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Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky? Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again? Dwight: [clears throat] Pam: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God! Phyllis: What-- Andy: Whoa, fire! Dwight: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people? Pam: The phones are dead. Dwight: Oh, how did that happen? Kevin: It's out in the hall. Dwight: No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct. Michael: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm. Dwight: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure? Michael: Stay [bleep] calm! Dwight: Wait, wait, wait. Michael: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down! Dwight: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. Michael: What does warm mean? Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God. Dwight: Not a viable option. Pam: Try a different door. Dwight: Okay, what's next? Michael: Don't run. Dwight: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle? Andy: It-- it's warm. Dwight: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once] Jim: Back door. Dwight: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching! Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse. Stanley: Leave it woman! Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go! Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can... Oscar: Ah! My hand! That's hot! Andy: Aah! This ones hot too! Michael: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself. Dwight: Okay, let's go. Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way! Dwight: Calm, please Andy: Get out of the way! Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim? Andy: Move it! Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth? Angela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh. Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people. Angela: Oscar. Dwight: What's next? Angela: Oscar! Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help! Angela: Pull me up! Oscar: You're too heavy! Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh! Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.] Pam: What do we do? Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping] Angela: What is that? What is that? Andy: The fire's shooting at us! Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?! Andy: Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram! Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling] Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine] Michael: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!! Stanley: I'm about to die! Dwight: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation. Jim: What?! Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack. Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth. Jim: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this! Michael: He's going to swallow is tongue. Jim: No. Michael. Michael. Michael: Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it. Jim: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael! Michael: Leave me al-- Andy: You're choking him! Michael: Saving him! [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea? Dwight: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Michael: Electricity. Dwight: Shampoo. David Wallace: You could have burned down the whole building. Dwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days. Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic? Dwight: Yes I shouted "fire!". I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded-- Michael: Hed. Hedded Dwight: When no one hedded-- Michael: Take hedded of. Dwight: N-no one would take hedded of my instructions. Michael: Heed. Heed. Dwight: So, you-- Michael: Take heed of. Dwight: And, well, I don't see my co-workers-- Michael: Take heed of. Dwight: Hee-heeding this right now. Lawyer: Wh--what? Michael: Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed. David Wallace: No, we are mad. Michael: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide. David Wallace: No, we're not. Michael: I am not a mind reader, David. David: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you. Michel: Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer. Dwight: No. Michael: And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like. Dwight: PETA. David Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious? Michael: Do you? David Wallace: Michael? Michael: You talking to me? David Wallace: Yeah. Michael: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry? Michael: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands. Dwight: Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay? Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. Michael: That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man. Dwight: What? You? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Come on. Michael: I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out. Dwight: That's preposterous. Michael: No, I will. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley. Stanley: Thank you, Michael. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people... [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no. Stanley: [flashback] No way. Uh-uh. Stanley: [flashback] Are you from another planet? Stanley: [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. Stanley: [flashback] Did I stutter? Stanley: [flashback] I'm done. Goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Andy. Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness. Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair. Michael: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I'm going to die. [SCENE_BREAK] CPR trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation. Michael: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing." Dwight: This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. Michael: Shut it. Shut it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever. CPR Trainer: It's been 20 seconds. Kevin: Call it. CPR Trainer: Would you like to try next? Dwight: Absolutely I would not. Michael: You know who I really think should go? Stanley. Stanley: Oh, I don't know. Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael. Michael: Come on. Phyllis: He needs to rest. Michael: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? Stanley: I would die. Michael: And you're okay with that? Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it. Michael: Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it! Angela: Michael! Michael: This is you we're talking about. Angela: Michael. Michael: Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right. CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? Michael: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. Rose: No, that's not part of it. Michael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? Kevin: I would want to live with no legs. Michael: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything. Rose: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute . Michael: okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? Jim: How's that gonna help you? Michael: I will divide and then count to it. Jim: Right. Rose: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song? Michael: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified. Rose: No, it's--Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Michael: Okay, I got it. Creed: [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you. Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah... Andy: Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do! Rose: Okay! Andy: Da, da, da, da, da, da, da Rose: Okay! Everyone: [muttering] Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Rose: Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him. Dwight: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? Rose: I have no idea. Dwight: Anyone else? Phyllis: We bury him? Dwight: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. Creed: He has no wallet, I checked. Michael: He is an organ donor. Dwight: He is. Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go. Angela: Oh my God! Dwight! Kelly: Dwight! Angela: What are you-- [people are yelling] What are you doing? Dwight: We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart. Stanley: I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. Michael: Hey, Stanley. Andy: Stanley. Michael: Are you okay? Angela: Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own] Stanley: Oh my God! Angela: Dwight! Dwight: Clarice? Stanley: Oh my God! [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic. David Wallace: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars. Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Dwight: Wow. Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people. Jim: And we don't know how. Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. Jim: Punishment fits the crime. [SCENE_BREAK] Jessica Alba: [movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana... Lily: Mmmhmm... Jessica Alba: This is Sam. Sam: Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday. Lily: Please-- Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner. Sam: Alright... Lily. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [after Pam checks her cell phone] What's going on? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: He's not saying what he needs to say. Andy: Hmm? Who? Sam? Pam: Yeah. Jim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then-- Andy: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? Dwight: I have. Michael: Let's hear it. Dwight: [clears throat] "I state my regret." Jim: You couldn't of memorized that? Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal. Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom. [SCENE_BREAK] Lily: [movie] I'm in here. Sam: I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go? Lily: I want you to stay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Gimme a break. Andy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite. [SCENE_BREAK] Sam: [movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah. Lily: Get that done already. Sam: I know but if I get it in deeper... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast. Andy: Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast? Pam: So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance? Andy: You guys, they're making out. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Um, did my dad say anything about my mom? Jim: Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal. Pam: [sighs] Jim: What? Pam: I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it. Jim: Mmm... Pam: You're good to talk to. Jim: [laughs] I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um... [nods] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance. Jim: Don't open your eyes. Pam: What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh... Michael: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out. Meredith: Chunky monkey. Michael: Too expensive. Stanley: Chocolate. Michael: Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones. Stanley: It's my bio-feedback machine.. Michael: Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game? Stanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down. Michael: You have stress? Stanley: Yes... Michael: During our relaxation exercise? Phyllis: Let me get you some water. Michael: No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go. Stanley: No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up] Michael: Let me getcha. Stanley: Would ya, would ya step back please Michael: Ok, alright. Stanley: Please. A little further. Michael: Ok. [beeping slows down] Stanley: That's better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again] Michael: Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley's monitor now] Let's give this a shot. Michael: Hellloo... [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer] Kevin: Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: What did you say to my dad? Jim: What? Pam: After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment. Jim: Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't get it. Do I stress you out? Dwight: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. Michael: Oh... Dwight: Speaking of which... [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight's formal apology] Michael: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short... Kelly: A vacation. Michael: What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other... Oscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you? Michael: Si senor. Oscar: That's offensive. Michael: It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [giggling] Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God... [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you. Phyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter. Dwight: That was the last signature I needed. Michael: Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok... lower the mic for the midget. Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. [grin] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be... Group: Michael Scott! [laughter] Michael: Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha! [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael. Michael: You're so lucky! Good one... [clapping] [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"... Michael: Well... Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget. Michael: Pow pow pow... [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [yelling at Michael in Spanish] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. Michael: I know where this is goin'. Jim: Do ya? Michael: No... Jim: Ok. Remember Spider face? Michael: No. Jim: OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface. Michael: Spite her - ok [laughter] Jim: Yeah... yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: How dare you all attack him like this. Michael: Oh, stop it Dwight. Dwight: Michael is your superior. Michael: No no no no no no! Dwight: Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him. Michael: Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way. Dwight: Ok, no, they don't understand who they have... Michael: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot. Dwight: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back. Michael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot. Dwight: Are you calling me an idiot? Michael: Idiot. Dwight: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right? Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter] Michael: Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right? Michael: We are, we are a family. Darryl: Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there. Michael: Oh very funny. Darryl: What's his name? Michael: Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy? Darryl: Roy left years ago. What's his name? Michael: I don't believe I have had the pleasure. Warehouse Michael: Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic... Darryl: What's his name? Michael: Jefferson. Darryl: Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. Michael: Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [in the lunch room, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles] Oscar: Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday. Kevin: I'm almost done. Oscar: That reeks, and I'm trying to eat. Dwight: Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring? Jim: Yep. You're being replaced. Pam: I think he meant personal day. Dwight: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam. Phyllis: I hope he's ok, I feel bad. Creed: Give it up, he's dead. Jim: He just sent a text... Creed: What's a text? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw... caw... caw caw... caw... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Phyllis there's a package for you. Phyllis: Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box] Dwight: [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Lily: [movie] Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he's going to cry] Sam: Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy's crying, "I'm All Out of Love" starts playing] Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button! Andy: [through tears] Sam! Sam! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So what did he say? Was it my fault? Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best. Jim: You ok? Pam: Yeah. [they hug] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael! It's really good to see you. Dwight: Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck? Jim: Are you alright? Oscar: Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement] Michael: I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. Pam: What? Michael: Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during s*x and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you're gay. Oscar: Wow. Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.
Plan: A: Dwight; Q: Who stages a fire drill? A: a fire drill; Q: What does Dwight stage that causes panic and Stanley has a heart attack? A: stress levels; Q: What is high in the office? A: Michael; Q: Who is the number one cause of stress at work? A: his employees; Q: Who does Michael try to get to relax? A: the jokes; Q: What does Michael feel hurt at? A: an unlicensed movie; Q: What movie do Andy, Pam and Jim watch? A: special guest stars; Q: What is Jack Black, Jessica Alba, and Cloris Leachman? A: Pam's parents; Q: Who is going through marital troubles? A: her dad; Q: Who hears how much Jim loves Pam? Summary: Dwight stages a fire drill which causes a panic and Stanley has a heart attack . With stress levels high, Michael tries a number of ways to get his employees to relax before discovering that he is the number one cause of stress at work. He stages on a no-holds-barred roast of himself, but feels hurt at the jokes. Andy, Pam and Jim watch an unlicensed movie with special guest stars Jack Black , Jessica Alba , and Cloris Leachman . Pam's parents are going through marital troubles and separate after her dad hears how much Jim loves Pam.
Opening scene - Cohen backyard - Ryan and Luke are walking to the pool house. this is set the morning after Marissa ran out of the pool house upset Ryan: (sighs) think, where else could she be Luke: (sighs) (shrugs) I don't know...man we've ben all over town twice...i'm sorry I jus don't know what to do at this point Ryan: we're not givin up we jus gotta figure this thing out (Luke looks at him) alright when she left she was upset so she probably went somewhere she was-she was she would feel safe right Luke: yeah well somewhere no ones even gonna think to look for her Ryan: including us apparently Luke: (sighs) well maybe she called, where's Cohen (they are now entering the pool house) Ryan: yeah maybe she called an he went after...her (we see Seth curled up on Ryan's bed sound asleep) Luke: maybe he's asleep, hey Cohen (kicks Seth) get up! (Seth jumps awake) Seth: it's my precious you can't have it (Ryan & Luke both look at him) hey what's wrong Luke: you were asleep that's what's wrong Seth: I was adjusting my back (Luke looks at him) Ryan: did Marissa call? Seth: no man I would'a heard the phone ringing even if I was sleeping (grabs for the phone) which I wasn't, I was adjusting my back (looks at the phone) there's a missed call though which is weird c (Ryan snatches the phone from him) ok Luke: meanwhile Ryan an I are drivin round all night like idiots Seth: really? well none'a this would'a happened in the first place if it wasn't for you Luke: shut up Cohen, it was an accident Seth: i'm sorry did you accidentally sleep with Marissa's mom, or did you accidentally tell Marissa about it Luke: i'm in no mood Cohen Seth: good keep it in your board shorts next time, y'know what I mean Ryan: (hangs up) that was her Seth: what'did she say (we see Julie coming towards the pool house in the background) Ryan: uh not much just that she's ok an not to try ta follow her Julie: where is she? Ryan: she's not here Julie: (walks in) why don't I believe you...Luke (Julie looks at Luke, Luke looks at Seth, Seth looks at Julie) Julie: what's goin on in here? Ryan: Marissa took off last night when we got back from L.A, she-she ran away Julie: why what'did you do to her Ryan: I didn't do anything you did Julie: what're you talking about? Luke: they know Julie: shut up Luke Luke: they saw us outside the motel...Marissa knows to (Seth nods) (awkward silence) Julie: will you boys excuse us please, Ryan an I need ta have a talk (Seth and Luke leave) Julie: whatever you think you know about me Ryan: I don't care about you, I jus wanna get her back home safe Julie: (worried) you really don't know where she is Ryan: we know she's ok, she left a message saying not to look for her Julie: so what am I suppose to do, last time she took off she almost died...i'm gonna call the police Ryan: yeah what're ya gonna tell em when they ask why she left Julie: I have to at least call her doctors Ryan: why so you can try'ta have her locked up again Julie: if that's what it takes yes, I will not have her hurting herself anymore Ryan: (moves closer to her) maybe you should'a thought'a that before you slept with her ex-boyfriend Julie: (glares at him) I would love to stay an chat with you Ryan but I have'ta find my daughter (leaves) Ryan: not if I find her first Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Cohen back yard - Ryan and Seth are coming out of the pool house Seth: so what's the GP RA? Ryan: I have no idea what you jus said Seth: Game Plan Ryan Atwood Ryan: you're jus using initials now Seth: yeah they save time Ryan: (frowns) well not if you have to translate Seth: GP Ryan: Game Plan? Seth: Good Point, so what're you gonna do ride around Newport on your bike lookin for Marissa's car while I go talk ta Summer Ryan: you have a better idea Seth: not yet but maybe after like a nice healthy (stops) (we see Ryan and Seth standing in the doorway of the kitchen, on the table is alot of different foods, pancakes, fruit waffles etc) Seth: massively over the top breakfast (Hailey walks into the shot) Hailey: hey guys Seth: hi Hailey: (points) we've got eggs, waffles, 3 different kinds of pancakes Ryan: wow Hailey what's the occasion Hailey: I was in pretty rough shape last night an I didn't get a chance to thankyou guys for convincing me to come home so hungry? Seth: ah yeah (Kirsten walks in) Kirsten: oh my uh what is going on in here (looks around) Seth: mom Hailey made 3 different kinds'a pancakes an waffles there deliciously redundant have a blueberry (throws it to her) there good (Kirsten catches it and laughs, then starts eating) Hailey: coffee? Kirsten: mm Hailey: here have a seat let me jus uh get this outta your way Kirsten: (with food in her mouth) Hailey the want ads already? Hailey: yeah it's mostly restaurant gigs, but uh it's not like I have any other marketable skills so Seth: hey I actually know of a hostess position available (Hailey looks at him) a little speakeasy I like ta call the Balboa light house Kirsten: (smiles) that's a good idea, except your gonna have'ta wait an ask Sandy when he's in a good mood (Sandy comes in with a box) Sandy: (panicking) we have'ta get all the bread outta the house (puts food in the box) Seth: (shakes his head) now's not a really good time Kirsten: Hailey made 3 different kinds of pancakes Sandy: well enjoy em now because we only have two hours to unleaven the entire kitchen Ryan: uh what'does that mean exactly Sandy: (in the cupboards) it means my mothers plane lands at noon an if she walks in here on the first day'a Passover an sees us eatin pancakes, she'll plotz Seth: I love when the nana comes an suddenly dads all Jewish again (Kirsten nods) id love to help but I have'ta go (leaves) Ryan: yeah me too (leaves) Hailey: yeah I should probably get dressed (leaves) Sandy: honey, do we have any brisket? Kirsten: Sandy the Ackerman's are looking after the food for the Seder we're bringing the wine Sandy: right except of course we're not going ta the Ackerman's this year Kirsten: since when Sandy: since I told my ma we we're kinda havin the Seder here tonight Kirsten: (shocked) you what! Sandy: which, if she asks is something we do every year I also told her you converted (Kirsten looks at him) (smiles) i'm kidding, about the conversion part Kirsten: eh Sandy Sandy: honey honey your not gonna have'ta lift a finger, ill shop she'll cook the kids'll help Hailey'll be here Jimmy'll be here an Ryan can invite Marissa, Seth can invite Summer Kirsten: what am I gonna do just s-sit back an let your mother take over the entire house Sandy: she's gonna do it anyway, at least this way we get a decent meal out of (walks to the pancakes) are you done with these Kirsten: (holds onto the plate) oh no Sandy, don't! CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Seth and Summer are sitting on her bed Seth: we don't know where she is but she called ta say she's ok Summer: I...know she called me too Seth: what? Summer why didn't you tell me Summer: because she told me not to Seth: Summer, if you know where she is- Summer: I don't I swear, she's gonna be fine she jus needs time Seth: well me an Ryan don't really have alotta time, my nana gets inta town in like an hour Summer: (cutesy face) wait your nana, that is so sweet I wanna meet the nana Seth: yeah you really don't though, believe me Summer: well I love old people they're sooo cute Seth: yeah well the nana, not so cute Summer: really she's ugly Seth: no she's jus scary (nods) Summer: hey I can be pretty scary too, I think I can take it Seth: yeah I don't think I can the nana's very judgmental an she's political an opinionated Summer: right...an i'm dumb an shallow an have no opinion whatsoever Seth: I didn't say that Summer: not out loud (hurt) you don't want me'ta meet the nana cause your ashamed'a me Seth: that's not true ok i'm not ashamed'a you Summer i'm protective, your gonna thank me for this I promise (kisses her on the forehead) I have ta go Summer: (frowns) where're you going Seth: um uh-hm I have'ta pick up some stuff for the Seder Summer: (frowns) the what now Seth: the Seder, for Passover (Summer is still frowning) yeah your not meetin the nana (leaves) Summer: (thinking) hmm CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy is changing the sheets on the bed and Kirsten comes in Kirsten: eh Sandy what're you doing, Rose just put those on Sandy: yeah I know but I thought maybe these sheets were a little too fancy Kirsten: well they are fancy there seven hundred thread-count Pratesi sheets Sandy: yeah see I don't want my mother knowin we're sleepin on these Kirsten: how would she know? Sandy: she might check! Kirsten: why would she care? Sandy: she's a social worker in the Bronx an has ben for forty years, whatever little bit of extra money she can scrape together she gives it to the ACLU or the Franklin Armory women's shelter, she's not out buyin fancy sheets Kirsten: well technically I bought the sheets Sandy: great you with your sheets an me have left the public defenders office so I can go to the private sector an make a ton'a money an open my own restaurant Kirsten: I think they call that success Sandy: no, not according to Sophie Cohen an frankly not even Sandy Cohen sometimes, you know why she's comin out here don't you its not for a visit its not for a holiday no, she's staging an intervention...to put me back on the path to righteousness or in my mothers case self righteousness Kirsten: I don't think that's true Sandy: no Kirsten: your mother jus wants ya to be happy Sandy: no, no she doesn't believe in happy, if you're happy you're not workin hard enough (leaves with the bedding in his arms) Kirsten: I know where Rosa keeps the sheets that don't feel so fancy (follows) (sound of the doorbell) CUT TO: Cohen front door - Hailey opens it and Jimmy is standing there Hailey: (smiles) hey Jimmy: hey, I was just on my way to the restaurant an I thought id stop by, see how you were doin after our big adventure last night, you ok Hailey: yeah, just embarrassed mostly Jimmy: embarrassed why, come on Hailey: you found me at a strip club Jimmy: hey there is-there is nothing wrong with a good strip club (Hailey raises her eyebrow at him) not that I would know or anything cause I...just (smiles) I wouldn't know Hailey: (smiles) no right of course not Jimmy: (smiles) so what're you-what're you gonna do you gonna gooo back ta LA, you gonna stay here? Hailey: umm, what'do you think I should do? Jimmy: well it's a-it's not my decision but I mean you know you've got family an a place to stay an people who care about you Hailey: yeah Jimmy: (nods) yeah Hailey: so if I were'ta stay...would that mean that... Kirsten: (in the background) (yells) Hailey! Hailey: (yells) be right there (Jimmy sighs) you wanna come in Jimmy: no I gotta-I gotta go back to work Hailey: (smiles) will I see you later Jimmy: well uh, you gonna be around Hailey: sure Jimmy: well then ill see you later Hailey: (smiles) alright then CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten and Hailey are unpacking groceries, Seth is sitting at the bench and Ryan comes in Ryan: hey, you guys want some help Kirsten: oh thanks Ryan Seth: no there fine man have a seat, any luck? Ryan: (sits) I looked everywhere, her house, the restaurant the beach Seth: yeah? we'll find her (Sandy walks in) Sandy: alright who's comin with me to the airport (no one answers) come on...Seth? (Seth puts his hand over his eye and points to Ryan with one finger) Ryan? come on (Ryan puts his head down) anybody...your not ready for the nana are ya, hell no ones ever ready for the nana, that woman is scary Sophie: (in the background) hellooooo (everyone is shocked) Sandy: it couldn't be Sophie: (still in the background) the front doors wide open a person could walk in here take everything an kill us all Seth: (stunned) it is (Ryan looks at him) it's the nana (Sophie is standing inside the front door with her luggage, Sandy runs in followed by everyone else) Sandy: ma what're you doin here I w-I was just comin ta get ya Sophie: well you would'a ben very late Sandy: i'm sor- Sophie: (smiles) i'm kidding the plane was early I took a taxi to suprise you are you suprised (laughs) you look suprised (Sandy hugs her) Sandy: i'm suprised Sophie: oh sweetheart, hello Kirsten look at you so beautiful with the hair an the nails those classic features (hugs her) (Kirsten is frowning) an there's my grandson who never writes, never calls cause he's too (hugs him) (Seth is frowning, then smiles) busy being chased by the California girls, how are you Setheleh Seth: uhhh how are you nana Sophie (looks at Ryan) an you must be Ryan i'm very happy to meet you (hugs him) welcome to the family oooh Ryan: thankyou, thankyou Sophie: (to Hailey) you I don't know Kirsten: uh Sophie you remember my sister, Hailey Sophie: oooh right the bad seed oooh (hugs her) I always liked you best don't tell the others (Hailey smiles) (looks around) look at this house (walks over to the door) and this yard ooh and that view of the ocean, i'm sorry but I just gotta say it Sandy: ah...here it comes Sophie: California (turns around to face them) not so terrible (they all stand there stunned) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan and Seth are in there together Ryan: (sighs) alright where else could she be Seth: ok I don't know exactly who that woman was in there Ryan but that was not the nana Ryan: I thought she was nice (sits on the bed) Seth: she was nice Ryan that's the problem ok the nana's not nice, I love her but she's nuts, kinda part of her charm Ryan: who haven't we thought of? Seth: well I hate to be the one to say it but what about Oliver Ryan: nn, I talked to Natalie at the hotel this morning he's still in the hospital Seth: she was even nice to my mom Ryan ok an the nana has never exactly cared for the Kirsten Ryan: really Seth: yeah are you kidding me she's the Green Arrow to my moms Hawkman (Ryan shakes his head) the Wolverine to her Cyclops dude, two people who have nothing in common suddenly gettin along (Ryan is thinking) it's not right...its jus not natural Ryan: I know where she is CUT TO: Theresa's house - Ryan is knocking on the front door, Theresa answers Theresa: it took you long enough Ryan: is she here? Theresa: yeah she's not gonna be very happy to see you though Ryan: how is she, is she ok? (Theresa nods) I can't believe she came here Theresa: I was as suprised as you are Ryan: (mad) you should've called me Theresa: I couldn't, she asked me not too Ryan: yeah well her moms freakin out she's about ta call the cops so I better jus get her an go Eddie: (walking up) what the hell is he doing here, did you call him Theresa: no Eddie: this is unbelievable, so he jus shows up on the day of (to Ryan) you stay the hell away from me ok (walks in the door passed Theresa) Ryan: day of? day'a what? Theresa: our engagement party (Ryan looks at her) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen/dining room - Seth and Sophie are sitting at the table together, Sandy and Kirsten are standing Sandy: everybody finished? Seth: thanks (Sandy takes the plates) Kirsten: Sophie is there something special that you'd like Hailey to pick up for you Sophie: no sweetheart i'm sure that whatever you kids do every year will be just perfect Sandy: oh ma, well we we're kinda hopin we could talk you inta the Sophie Cohen special the brisket, the macaroons Sophie: (waves him off) oh I don't do macaroons anymore Sandy: ah come on ma, its Ryan's first Seder Seth: how do you know that, don't assume that, they have Jews in Chino, why do think they want a P.F. Chang's Sophie: I like that he goes back to the old neighbourhood (excited) speaking of which Sandy guess who asked about you recently (Sandy looks at her) Shaun Sullivan Sandy: Sully Sophie: (to Seth) Shaun an your dad use'to run in a gang together did you know that Seth: yeah? (to Sandy) bloods or crips father Sandy: it was more of a youth group Sophie: after his father left us blessing in disguise I had ta work so much he was practically raised by the entire neighbourhood Sandy: yeah well somebody had'ta do it (awkward silence) Sophie: well when am I gonna see your new restaurant Sandy: (suprised) you want to? Sophie: what'did I just say (stands) ill jus go freshen up then uh then we can go huh (leaves the kitchen) Sandy: (whispers) who is that woman? Seth: not the nana Kirsten: come on guys...maybe she's changed, maybe she's mellowed, maybe she's genuinely happy ta be here (Sandy looks at her) yeah I know something's up Sandy: i'm gonna find out what it is Kirsten: Sandy don't, whatever that woman is I love her she's sweet, she's kind, she's helpful (door bell) (Sandy turns around to go answer it) Sophie: (in the background) ill get it (Sandy turns back with his hands out, as if to say 'what?') Kirsten: i'm begging you, leave it alone (Sophie answers the door and Summer is standing there holding a box) Sophie: hello may I help you dear Summer: (smiles) hi you must be the nana, i'm Summer Shalom Sophie: oh well hello are you a friend of Seth's? Summer: well as a matter of fact i'm his g- Seth: (walks up) Summer, hey what're you doing here (taps her on the arm) buddy Summer: oh well I was jus in the neighborhood and thought I could bring some macaroons by for the Seder- Sophie: oooh how sweet Summer you shouldn't have Seth: yeah you shouldn't have oook Sophie: so are you two uh Seth: well... Summer: yes we are Seth: (puts his hands on her shoulders) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Sophie: oh wonderful then you'll be here tonight yes, you can ask the four questions Summer: thankyou nana i'd love to Sophie: I was jus getting my Haggadah to get copies made Summer: oh no well I can do that for you, I love a good Haggadah (to Seth) you know it's the prayer book containing the Seder ritual (smiles) (Seth puts his hands on his head, clearly not happy) Sophie: wow somebody knows her stuff huh Seth Cohen your a very lucky man (squeezes his cheeks) (walks away) Summer: (smiling) awww (smile goes) (hits Seth) Seth: listen uh- ow wow Summer: she's not scary at all your the scary one Seth: no your the one who scary with the hitting an the cookies Summer: what are you like afraid i'm gonna embarrass you infront of the nana? well i'm not i'm gonna study this thing so hard i'm even gonna out Jew you (opens the Haggadah) Seth: you're readin it backwards Summer: hmm (leaves) Seth: (yells) thanks for the cookies (shuts the door) CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Ryan and Theresa walk out from the side gate Ryan: (sighs) wow...so when's the wedding Theresa: June...I wanted to call you an tell you Ryan: yeah...I uh thought you didn't want this Theresa: he really loves me Ryan Ryan: how do you feel about him? Theresa: you know what, you don't get ta show up here the day of my engagement party an ask me questions like this Ryan: hey it's not like I knew this was happening, you didn't even tell me Theresa: because I knew you'd be this way Ryan: what way? you ran away ta Newport to get away from him then you jus took off without even calling Theresa: yeah like when you left Chino! T's mom: (comes out of the house) Ryan you made it, you see Theresa I told you he'd come if we invited him Theresa: yeah mom, he didn't come for the party T's mom: no? Marissa: (comes out of the house holding flowers) he came for me Ryan: hey Marissa: (to Theresa) I thought you promised you weren't gonna call him Ryan: (walks over to her) she didn't Marissa: then why are you here Ryan: I came to make sure you were ok, to get you home safe Marissa: then you wasted your time, cause i'm not going anywhere (walks off) (Ryan watches her walk away) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Jimmy opens the front door and Hailey is standing there with the box of leaven food from the Cohen's Jimmy: hey what's-what's all this Hailey: (smiles) (walks in) pasta, cookies, cupcakes in all there leavened goodness and an invitation to Seder dinner tonight (puts the box on his table) all courtesy of the nana Cohen Jimmy: wow, today is my lucky day Hailey: (smiles) you have no idea (kisses him) Jimmy: (pulls away) mm look s- Hailey we-we we cant we-we we can't do this Hailey: but I thought when you showed up at the house this morning an when you came ta LA ta find me Jimmy: I was worried about you an I-I I wanted to make sure that you were ok Hailey: I can't believe this (walks towards the door) Jimmy: Hailey Kirsten is my best friend, Sandy's my partner I- this restaurant is all I have Hailey: so what're you doing, showin up at the house, showing up in LA, telling me how much you care about me...you don't care about me Jimmy: of course I care about you Hailey: right, jus not as much as Sandy an Kirsten an the restaurant (walks away) Jimmy: Hailey, wait Hailey: (stops at the door) for what? (Jimmy sighs) ill see ya Jimmy (leaves) CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Marissa is arranging flowers and Ryan goes over to her Ryan: Marissa come on, everybody's worried about you Marissa: who? Luke? my mom? Ryan: it's over now Marissa: yeah maybe for them but I still have'ta live with it...the only thing I don't have'ta do is live there Ryan: so what're you gonna do you can't hide out in Chino forever Marissa: maybe not, but I can for right now (Ryan looks at her) look Theresa said I can stay in Arturo's room an that she'd help me find a job until I can actually save enough money Ryan: to what? run away, Marissa your moms already threatening to call the cops, an your doctors- Marissa: so what am I spose'ta do, I can't go back there Ryan: (shakes his head) well i'm not goin back without you Marissa: then I guess your not going back (walks away) CUT TO: Cohen house - Sandy and Sophie walk through the front door after having seen the restaurant Sandy: (dissapointed) oh I-I-I I wish the floors had ben finished before-before you saw the place Sophie: the floors were fine (Kirsten walks in from kitchen) Kirsten: how was the restaurant tour? Sophie: it was nice Sandy: it was nice that's all I get it was nice Sophie: it was very nice, what what'do you want me ta say Sandy: ma what'do you wanna say really...mom th-this Jewish Mary Poppins act i'm not buyin it...what're you doin here really Sophie: you invited me Sandy: I've ben invitin ya every since Seth was thirteen Sophie: well i've ben working, you know what my case load is like Sandy: I do I know that's why I left the PD's office so I could spend more time at home Sophie: no that's not why you left Sandy Sandy: and because I have more time an more resources to help the people in the community that need it Sophie: you're not helping people your opening restaurants Kirsten: Sophie that's not true Sophie: who's talking to you? Sandy: please do not speak to her like that in this house Sophie: i'm sorry...but you know what...you won't have to put up with it much longer Sandy: ah there she is, she's comin back, the Sophie Cohen we all know an love Sophie: think its funny, you'll see how funny it is when i'm dead Sandy: ah your kiddin, your gonna out live us all, just outta spite Sophie: well...Dr Tally disagrees with you, he gives me 4-6 months tops...he says I have advanced lung cancer (Sandy looks at her stunned) (tears in her eyes) wanna know why I came, I came ta say goodbye (walks away) (Sandy stands there with tears in his eyes, Kirsten comforts him from behind by putting her hands on his shoulders, and touches her head to his) CUT TO: Theresa's front yard - Ryan walks out of the house and makes a phone call, before he can talk Eddie and a group of his mates appear Eddie: why are you still here? Ryan: alright look man Eddie: look what? I ask Theresa to marry me an she goes an finds you, we finally work everything out an on the day of our engagement party you show up! Ryan: i'm just here for Marissa alright Eddie: (yells) look Marissa doesn't want you here an I sure as hell don't want you here, you understand...look its my engagement party ok i'm goin to get a drink, when I come back don't be here! Ryan: (walks towards Eddie) i'm not leavin without her Guy: (stops Ryan) yes you are Ryan: look man you don't wanna do this Guy: (yells) no you don't wanna, he told you to go, now go (shoves Ryan) (Ryan lands on the path and cuts his arm. his phone rings, he rolls over so he's laying on his back and gets his phone out and answers it) Ryan: hello Julie: did you just call me? Ryan: yeah but Julie: where is she? Ryan: (sits up) i'm not tellin you that Julie: don't make me call the police Ryan, I would hate to have'ta tell em your holding her against her will Ryan: you wouldn't do that Julie: just get her home, now (hangs up) (Ryan hangs up and lays back down, he's fed up) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sophie is cooking and Sandy is sitting at the bench, Kirsten is sitting next to him Sandy: (pleading) ma please come on sit down, we have'ta talk about this Sophie: no we don't, what we have'ta do is put this brisket in the oven or we'll be eating at midnight Kirsten: (gets up) uh ill get that for you Sophie: yeah (puts it in) oo thankyou doll, Sandy said you were a lox in the kitchen Sandy: don't change the subject Sophie: there is no subject, i'm not talking i'm cooking Sandy: ya can't jus drop a bomb like that an then not talk about it wh-why even tell me then Sophie: I didn't want to, you kept hocking me, it slipped out Sandy: have ya told anybody else Sophie: no not your sister not your bother and don't you tell anyone either especially not Seth Sandy: why not he deserves ta know Sophie: cause it's my business...and I will tell him when i'm ready, now he's coming back here with Summer any minute so (makes a keep your mouth shut motion) Sandy: well what about the treatment what'did-what'did Dr Tally recommend, the surgery the-the chemo what Sophie: sure but what's the point, by the time I saw Tally it'd already spread so...that's that (Sandy looks at her, she looks at him, Kirsten looks at Sophie then at Sandy, worried) Sandy: so what're you gonna do Sophie: i'm gonna make dinner, i'm gonna enjoy what's left of my life an I hope you will do the same Sandy: I want you to see a Dr out here Sophie: well, that's not gonna happen Kirsten: we have an incredible oncologist, when my mother had...ovarian cancer Sophie: she had the treatment, the chemo with the hair loss an the nausea...did it work? Kirsten: (closes her eyes) no Sandy: but we had a chance ta spend more time with her Sophie: you wanna spend more time with me? Sandy: yeah Sophie: (yells) you left home when you were 16 an moved clear across the country (in background we see Seth and Summer entering the living room) Sandy: ma I had a scholarship an a chance ta make somethin of myself Sophie: (yells) an you married a woman whose father represents everything I have fought against my entire life Sandy: (yells & stands) I married her for love not because of her father's politics or his principles (Seth and Summer are closer to the kitchen, Seth pushes her away so they can't hear) Sophie: (yells louder) oh what politics what principles, oh god what am I doing here I hate this state! I hate the sunshine! I hate the ocean! I hate Schwarzenegger! (walks out) (Sandy looks at Kirsten, Kirsten looks at him, they both look upset) CUT TO: Theresa's house - Marissa is in Arturo's room and Ryan knocks. Marissa is in different clothes to before, and she's sitting on the bed Marissa: come in Ryan: hey (Marissa stands) you uh you look Marissa: (shrugs) its Theresa's (sees his cut) what happened to your arm Ryan: uh its-it's just a scratch (sighs) Eddie an his guys don't really want me around Marissa: (sighs) i'm so sorry this is all my fault Ryan: no, no its ok look we jus need ta get outta here Marissa: no we need ta get some alcohol an clean this arm up Ryan: no look its-its fine we can just we can jus deal with this later (Ryan's phone is ringing) Marissa: Ryan we're not going anywhere, so just get the phone ill talk ta Eddie (leaves) Ryan: no look I- he wont wanna (sighs) (answers the phone) hello (Seth and Summer are on Seth's bed) Seth: hey come home right now Ryan: (sits on the bed) why what's goin on Seth: I don't know but the nana's scary again an mom an dad keep askin when your comin home an-an frankly i'm at a loss man Summer: is Marissa ok? Seth: hey how's Marissa doin Ryan: she won't leave so now Eddie's threatening to kick my ass an Julie Coopers threatening to have me arrested for kidnapping Summer: (reading from the Haggadah) why is this night different from all other nights Seth: (looks at her) ok just come home man you said it yourself Marissa's fine, alright so there's nothin more you can do its her mom's problem now Ryan: Seth I can't just leave her here Seth: well you can't stay either, please ok we have the nana happening Summer: for on all other nights we eat either chamitz or matzah Seth: (correcting) chametz or matzo Ryan: look look ill try but Seth: no, no trying come home now ok, I have to go Summer's havin a Hebrew hernia Summer: Cohen! (Ryan hangs up and sighs) CUT TO: Julies door - Luke is standing there, Julie is shocked to see him Julie: (walks out and shuts the door) Luke...you cant be here Kaitlin's in the kitchen, you gotta go Luke: I know I know I just I wanted ta say i'm sorry Julie: it is not your fault ok, i'm the grown up here i'm the one who should've known better, an i'm the one who's lost her daughter Luke: your not...really gonna locker her up are ya? Julie: honestly I don't know what else to do, she's a kid Luke she's run away again, an if she doesn't come back on her own...what other choice do I have...I need her to be safe CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Sophie is sitting at the table smoking and Sandy comes out and sits with her Sandy: (sees the smoke) you gotta be kidding me! Sophie: ah...my darling the only nice thing about having cancer is that I can smoke all I want, try not to ruin it for me Sandy: (sits) ...I called Dr Tally Sophie: (not impressed) please tell me you did not do that! (we see Seth standing at one of the doors to the backyard, they don't see him there. he is trying to listen to their conversation) Sandy: he says you haven't ben returning his calls Sophie: well i've ben busy Sandy: an while he says there's no cure you can slow the cancer down if you take the chemo an radiation (Seth looks shocked, he's still listening) Sophie: yeah an slow me down too Sandy: might not be such a bad thing Sophie: Sandy, I have kids in the Bronx who are counting on me Sandy: you got kids o'your own who are counting on you...an grandkids Sophie: oh please, counting on me for what Sandy: to be there, that's all...that's all I ever wanted Sophie: oh your gonna start with me again Sandy: when I left home at 16 I-I was suprised you noticed Sophie: oh that's nice, that's what a mother always wants ta hear, especially when she's dying (Seth is still standing there, he sucks his bottom lip in and looks upset) Sophie: please continue (lights another smoke) Sandy: (shakes his head) you were never home, you were workin all the time you were takin care of other peoples kids or marchin for causes or circulating petitions or picketing city hall, look...it felt like you had no time for us Sophie: it was your father who ran away Sandy, not me Sandy: well...now who's runnin away...eh enjoy your cigarette ( (stands & leaves) (Sophie puts out the cigarette and stands up, she looks over and sees Seth standing there, he looks at her then walks away. Sophie sighs) CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - it is now decorated for the party. Theresa walks out the back door and sees Marissa and Eddie playing with little kids. Theresa smiles. Marissa is holding a little girl then she hands her to Eddie and goes over to Theresa Theresa: he's pretty great isn't he? Marissa: yeah he is (looks at Theresa) you both are (Theresa smiles) an I can't thankyou enough for putting me up last night...but Theresa: what? Marissa: are you sure its ok for me ta stay here, I mean now that Ryan's here to I know you guys have this whole history together Theresa: Marissa, Ryan's my oldest friend but (nods) that's it, really Marissa: but I thought that when you came ta Newport you Theresa: that was a mistake, I was afraid so I ran ta Ryan because he's safe, but it wasn't until I came home an was honest with Eddie about everything that I realised that I have nothing to be afraid of...either do you (they both see Ryan carrying bags of ice) as for Ryan like you said he didn't come here for me, he came here for you Marissa: (smiles) lets go, c'mon (they both walk off) (Eddie walks over to Ryan) Eddie: (shrugs) your still here Ryan: not by choice believe me Eddie: yeah well, that's too bad (hands him a drink) you know i've ben thinkin about it, your brother an Arturo both in jail...an you an I are the only ones from the old crew left Ryan: I thought you didn't want me here man Eddie: I thought you came here for Theresa ok it freaked me out but...I talked ta Marissa you know (sighs) Ryan: yeah well I don't think Marissa wants me here either Eddie: c'mon of all the places she coulda picked to go she chose Chino, dude she picked the one place she knew only you could find her CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is lying on his bed hugging a pillow to his chest and there is a knock at his door Sophie: Setheleh, you in there Seth: yeah I-I am i'm jus gonna be down in a second though ok Sophie: or I could save you the schlep (Seth sits up and Sophie opens the door) Sophie: can a person come in? Seth: yeah of course...come in Sophie: where's Summer Seth: she went to change for dinner...so you we're jus not gonna tell me? Sophie: not if I could help it Seth: why, did you think I couldn't handle it? Sophie: no doll I knew you could handle it (sighs) me on the other hand, I wanted to spend this time getting to know you (sits opposite him on a chair) not be the dying nana where every conversation could possibly be the last Seth: yeah but it could right Sophie: yeah sure that's always true though cancer or no cancer, we could all be dead tomorrow you never know Seth: that's really comforting thankyou Sophie: don't mention it (smiles) so tell me about Seth Cohen you like comic books, music, videos Seth: yeah it all seems pretty trivial right now though compared ta...oh I-I don't know uh cancer Sophie: oh see that's why I didn't wanna tell you Seth: you don't even wanna do the chemo though, you don't even, not even interested in any of it Sophie: wait (moves closer) listen...it's very complicated Seth: ...are you scared Sophie: what'da you think Seth: I don't know...dad always said you're not afraid of anything Sophie: your dad doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does (touches his cheek) Seth: (holds her hand & rubs it with his thumb) yeah well you're the one who doesn't wanna stick around so...who's fault is that CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Theresa and Eddie are standing together being video'd. we pan across to see Marissa standing by herself, Ryan goes over to her Ryan: hi Marissa: hey Ryan: (smiles) so what'do ya think'a Chino Marissa: actually I think I can get in more trouble where i'm from (they both laugh) Ryan: i'm sorry, about everything, the trip ta LA your mom but um we have'ta get back, the longer we stay here the worse it's gonna get Marissa: how could it get any worse? Ryan: she could put you away Marissa: yeah let her try Ryan: she tried it before, it almost worked Marissa: yeah well this time she's gonna have'ta find me first (Marissa walks away, Ryan follows her. they are now in Arturo's room. Ryan walks in and sees Marissa unzipping her dress, he shuts the door and sighs) Ryan: what're you doing? Marissa: getting out of here Ryan: to go where? Marissa: (takes the dress off) I don't know ok I don't know where i'm going I don't know what i'm doing I don't know anything except that I can't go back there (puts on the top from earlier) Ryan: yeah well you can't keep running away an I can't keep chasing after you Marissa: (turns around) who asked you to, I don't even know why your here Ryan: (yells) yeah well maybe you should think about it instead of always thinkin about yourself Marissa: get outta my way (walks towards him) Ryan: no i'm not goin anywhere (gently pushes her back) Marissa: Ryan move I mean it! Ryan: (stops her again) i'm not goin anywhere Marissa: get outta my way (she bashes against him repeatedly, upset) move, move (crying) get out of my way (Ryan holds her until finally she stops fighting it) I (crying) I cant go back there Ryan: (holding her with his head on her shoulder, eyes closed) ok, your ok (Marissa lifts her head still crying) ok, it's ok (Marissa buries her head in his shoulder, crying into him) (knock) T's mom: Ryan, ya in there (Marissa lifts her head from his shoulder still upset, she puts it back down on his shoulder) Ryan: yeah just a second (Marissa is still crying) T's mom: there's someone here to see you Ryan: ok (Marissa leans off him a bit calmer, and Ryan goes out the door to see who it is. he shuts the door and sees it's Luke) Luke: hey Seth told me you were in Chino Ryan: you cant be here man what're you doin here Luke: i'm here for Marissa Ryan: look you can't be here now ok Luke: (yells) Julie's not kidding she's gonna call the cops if I don't- Ryan: (worked up) what'do you think Marissa's goin back with you? other then her mom your the last person she wants'ta see Luke: yeah well, she's gonna Ryan: (angry) you need'ta get outta here (Eddie walks up to them) Luke: you need'ta get outta my way Eddie: ok ok ok look you guys this is my engagement party (Marissa comes to the door) jus calm down ok Marissa: Ryan get away from him! (Ryan steps aside) Luke: Marissa hey I just want- Marissa: (slaps Luke hard) (clenches her teeth angry) get out of here Luke Luke: please Marissa it's not what you think Marissa: oh is that what she told you to tell me, that it's all in my head, that i'm crazy Luke: it's not her fault really Marissa: (yells) just get out of here Luke: Marissa if you jus come wi- Marissa: just go! now! Luke: i'm sorry (Marissa glares at him and he leaves. Marissa looks at Ryan and Ryan smiles as if he's impressed, Marissa looks back at Luke) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen/dining room - Kirsten is in there getting ready for the Seder and Summer comes in Summer: oooh it smells sooo good in here, is it true we cant eat for another 6 hours Kirsten: oh the nana Seder won't take that long (turns around to face her) will it? Summer: have you seen her Haggadah (hands it to her) Kirsten: (opens it) oi Summer: you're reading it backwards Kirsten: (closes it & gives it back) don't tell anyone Summer: hey its ok being Jewish is Hard Kirsten: you Have no idea Summer: hmm (eats a carrot) so do you know what happened to make the nana scary again Kirsten: (turns around) actually (Sophie walks in) Sophie: what, what's going on in here? Summer: nothing, i'm gonna go study ill see you at dinner- Seder sorry (walks out) Sophie: (looks at Kirsten) you told her didn't you Kirsten: I would never do that Sophie: then what were you talking about Kirsten: ...how scary you are Sophie: I am scary Kirsten: i'd be scary to if...I was sick an suddenly I had to depend on my kids Sophie: well see the difference is i'm not gonna be dependant on my kids Kirsten: (matter of factly) no, you would rather die Sophie: oh that's good Kirsten with the honesty, I didn't know you had it in ya Kirsten: that's because you don't know me...you never wanted to (Sophie looks at her) an it pretty much cost you your son Sophie: my son made a choice Kirsten: maybe, but now you can make one, you can get the best treatment you can get to know your grandson, an you could have Sandy back in your life hmm (shrugs) if that's not important to you Sophie: oh guilt now huh that's very impressive, you sure you're not Jewish CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Ryan is sitting at a table by himself, Theresa comes and sits with him Ryan: how's she doin Theresa: she's great, Luke's the one I feel sorry for, he's gonna have a handprint on his face (laughs) for like a week Ryan: (smiles) yeah, sorry about that, showin up, ruining your party Theresa: hey does it look ruined to you...besides it's my engagement party, if youd'a missed it id'a kicked your ass (Ryan smiles) I should've invited you Ryan: so invite me to the wedding Theresa: yeah, you'll bring Marissa (Eddie and Marissa come and sit with them) Eddie: alright who wants cake? Ryan: uh actually I cant I gotta get back (to Marissa) uh dinner at the Cohen's, Seth's grandmas in town, can't miss it Theresa: (nods) yeah well uh you two are welcome to stay as long as you want um come on Eddie my mom needs help in the kitchen Eddie: (mouth full) i'm eating cake Theresa: (smiles) no, your not Eddie: oh, o-ok I got it (Theresa pulls him away) uh-hm see not even married yet she's already bossin me around Marissa: I don't wanna go back Ryan: I know but look you didn't do anything wrong, they did...they know that, why do you think your moms freakin out, she's afraid your gonna tell Marissa: why would I tell...I don't wanna see em ever again an I don't wanna go back Ryan: yeah, what about your dad? an Kaitlin, Summer, what about me? what am I spose'ta do without you (Marissa looks at him) I mean i'd get over you eventually but it'd take a while (smiles) (Marissa smiles at him) CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Sophie is getting ready for the Seder Sandy is in there helping Sophie: I couldn't find an actual Seder plate so i'm using this one Sandy: well that's because we don't have an actual Seder plate mom, infact this is the first actual Seder we've ever had we usually go to the Ackerman's but your here this year an-an Ryan Sophie: hmm you know i've ben finding homes for kids like Ryan for over forty years Sandy: yeah I know ma Sophie: yeah but I never once thought to bring one home with me (smiles) had to show up your own mother didn't you Sandy: (smiles) ooh he's a good kid, you should spend some time with him Sophie: (moves closer to him) I cant...i'm flying home early tomorrow Sandy: oh Sophie: well you don't want me to miss my first treatment do you? Sandy: oh ma (hugs her) thanks, hey you know you could have it out here if you want Sophie: no honey thanks but uh I like Dr Tally an your sisters there an your brother and...you know I hate California Sandy: so maybe I could come visit Sophie: oh please, your mothers gonna be having chemo, it's the least you can do (she touches his face and walks out) CUT TO: Julies house - Marissa and Ryan are walking to the front door Ryan: are you sure you wanna do this now? Marissa: I have to, my clothes are inside... (hopeful) maybe she won't be home (Julie opens the door and runs towards her) Julie: oh thank god your back Marissa: (backs away) i'm not, I jus came ta get my stuff an go Julie: the hell you are, you are not leaving this house young lady Marissa: or what? your gonna call the police or Dr Milano, you know what go ahead, infact why don't you call up dad while your at it an Caleb to cause you know id really love to tell them why I ran away Julie: ...get your stuff an leave Marissa: gladly (goes into the house) (Julie and Ryan look at each other) CUT TO: Cohen front door - Hailey answers it and Jimmy is standing there Hailey: (smiles) hey, your here Jimmy: yeah is that ok I wasn't-I wasn't sure Hailey: no of course, come on in Jimmy: (hands her flowers) here's a little uh holiday appropriate bouquet Hailey: thanks Jimmy: (sighs) so listen I-I was thinkin about what you uh what you said today as I ate most of those cupcakes an like that whole box of cookies you brought by and you were right, you were right...about everything Hailey: noo you were right, i'm sorry Jimmy: I was are you sure cause that's-that's that's rarely the case Hailey: no I mean...Kirsten an I are finally getting along and I have a second chance with my dad so why risk all of that Jimmy: because it would be fun an because i'm totally self destructive an because your incredible an I-I-I-I- can't help myself Hailey: (smiles) really (Jimmy nods) wow, are we really gonna do this? Jimmy: (whispers) I think we already are (Hailey laughs) but um I think the real question is how are we gonna tell...Kirsten...without sustaining bodily injuries Hailey: well...she doesn't have'ta know right away does she (they both smile at each other) CUT TO: The pool house - Summer is sitting on the bed practicing the Haggadah, Seth is lying on the bed reading a comic and listening to her Summer: for on all other nights we do not dip our food into salt water, but tonight we dip karpas into salt water an maror into charoses Seth: (sits up) did you just do that all by heart Summer: mm-hmm was it ok? Seth: it was perfect (kisses her) you know what you can use the book though, didn't I tell you that Summer: (hits him) no! Cohen! Seth: what? you're so good Summer: god Seth: you're my little chachem (Summer playfully hits him and he hits her back, they both laugh. Ryan and Marissa are in the doorway) Ryan: hey sorry we're late (Summer goes over to Marissa) Seth: hey Marissa: hey Summer: (hugs her) i'm so sorry Coop Marissa: its ok really we're fine Seth: hey did you see Luke Ryan: I don't think we'll be seein Luke for a while Seth: how'd you manage that? Ryan: I didn't, Marissa smacked the hell out of him (smiles) Summer: nice Coop! (Marissa smiles/laughs) Seth: well I guess she's ben hanging out with you too much Ryan: yeah (Sandy comes in) Sandy: hey you guys ready'ta eat Summer: yes! Marissa: yeah! Sandy: well that's too bad cause the Seders about to begin, c'mon (Marissa and Summer laugh and walk out, followed by Seth) Sandy: (puts his hand on Ryan's back) so how was everything at home? Ryan: you tell me, I was in Chino (they both smile) CUT TO: The dinner table - Sandy is at one end, Kirsten at the other. Marissa Ryan and Summer on one side. Hailey, Seth and Nana Cohen on the other. Sandy is reading from the Haggadah Sandy: tonight we celebrate the first night of Passover. a celebration of rebirth, of new beginnings an of freedom. freedom from the constraints that have bound us an freedom to join together to take responsibility for ourselves, for our family's, for our community and for the world Ryan: do we eat now? Seth: (laughs) Ryan we've got like 6 more hours, yeah strap in Sandy: lets all raise our glasses (they all pick up their glasses - fade out)
Plan: A: OPM; Q: What didn't work? A: vanishes; Q: What happens to Marissa when she finds out about Julie/Luke? A: a welcome guest; Q: What is Ryan not at Theresa's engagement party? A: California-loathing Nana Cohen; Q: Who is the strangely nice guest at Theresa's engagement party? A: Nana Cohen; Q: Who is the cranky, opinionated, California-hating character that arrives in Newport? Summary: OPM didn't work. Marissa knows about Julie/Luke and vanishes. Ryan finds her at Theresa's engagement party, where he's not a welcome guest. Meanwhile, cranky, opinionated, California-loathing Nana Cohen arrives in Newport and she's strangely... nice.
EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE The camera pans down from blue skies with puffy white clouds to a banner bearing the legend "LONDON 2012", with the World Olympics logo. We're looking upon an ordinary suburban street, with well kept houses. A council worker applies a blow torch to the road, evidently carrying out maintenance work. A woman wheels her baby along in her pushchair. POSTMAN: Morning, love. WOMAN: Morning! She goes on her way, passing a house with two boys Tom and his friend Dale Hixon, playing football on the front lawn and a man, Tom's Dad, cleaning a car. TOM (upon scoring a goal): Yes! WOMAN: Hiya! TOM'S DAD: All right? A poster on a lamppost asks for information about a missing girl, Jane McKillen. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM A girl of 12, Chloe, watches the proceedings from her bedroom window, her hand pressed against the glass. An old lady Maeve, pulls her trolley bag along behind her. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Switch to the old lady's point of view, a look of confusion passes over her face as a buzzing fills the air. She looks around. A woman, Trish, Chloe's mother, comes out of the house and watches her. TRISH: Maeve? Are you okay? MAEVE: No, love, I'm not. TRISH: Do you want me to call a doctor? MAEVE: A doctor can't help. She looks around the superficially ordinary street nervously. MAEVE (CONT'D): Can't... can't you feel it, Trish? TRISH: I can't feel anything. Chloe still watches. Switch to her point of view. MAEVE (seeing the boys playing football): Boys! Get indoors! (Hurries over to them). Get inside! Get them inside! TOM'S DAD: What's up with you? They ain't done nothing wrong... MAEVE: It's happening again! Trish glances uneasily up at her daughter's silhouette at the window. She goes back inside. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY closing the door behind her and leaning against it. Chloe is singing and her voice carries down the stairs. CHLOE (singing softly): Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Switch to Chloe's bedroom. CHLOE (CONT'D) (singing): Merry merry king of the bush is he... laugh, Kookaburra laugh, Kookaburra gay your life must be. She watches the boys playing football across the road. She turns back to her desk and pulls some paper and pencils towards her, and starts to draw. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Maeve is still trying to convince Tom's Dad to take the boys inside. MAEVE: They're not safe! TOM'S DAD: They're in the garden! MAEVE: That's what it likes. It likes it when they're playing. Get them in, I'm begging you. The boys glance at one another, sniggering. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe is singing whilst she draws. [b]CHLOE[/b] (singing): Merry merry king of the bush is he... laugh, Kookaburra laugh, Kookaburra gay your life must be. She is drawing one of the boys, Dale, outside. She has sketched the outline and is now colouring him in with unnatural speed. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE TOM'S DAD (moving Maeve along): I've got my beady eyes on them. MAEVE: But, I... He has her by the arm and his ushering her on her way. TOM'S DAD: Come on. The moment their backs are turned, there is whooshing sound as the blonde boy kicks the ball into the goal - Maeve and the Tom's Dad both turn, and the other little boy, Dale, has disappeared completely. MAEVE (turning): No! TOM'S DAD: T... Tom? He dashes over to the football goal, looking around in confusion. MAEVE (shouts): What are you? TOM'S DAD (baffled): Where's he gone? INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY Trish can hear the commotion from just inside the front door. She glances up the stairs, arms folded, it's as though she knows what's wrong. MAEVE (from outside): What do you want with our children?! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe hums to herself as she finishes her drawing. As soon as she has finished the last stroke, the drawing comes to life. Dale's mouth opens in a silent scream, he's terrified, trapped inside the drawing. OPENING CREDITS EXT. CAR PARK The TARDIS materialises right in-between two gates, one saying "DANGER - KEEP OUT" and the other saying "NO PARKING IN FRONT OF THESE GATES". The Doctor opens the door but the TARDIS has materialised the wrong was round. The gate is blocking the door completely. THE DOCTOR: Ah. He goes back inside. The TARDIS dematerialises, and materialises again, this time the right way round. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (stepping out): Ah! Rose follows him. They look around. Rose notices a Shayne Ward poster advertising his greatest hits album tacked onto a fence. ROSE: So, near future, yeah? THE DOCTOR: I had a passing fancy. Only it didn't pass, it stopped. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Rose and the Doctor walk down the road with the "LONDON 2012" banner. THE DOCTOR: 30th Olympia. ROSE (delighted, linking her arm through his): No way! Why didn't I think of this, that's great! Ah! The Doctor beams. THE DOCTOR: Only seems like yesterday a few naked Greek blokes were tossing a discus about... wrestling each other in the sand with crowds stood about, begging... no, wait a minute... that was Club Med. (Laughs at his own joke, nudging Rose). Just in time for the opening doo dah, ceremony... tonight, I thought you'd like that. Last one they had in London was dynamite. Wembley, 1948. I loved it so much, I went back and watched it all over again. Fella carrying the torch... lovely chap, what was his...? Rose has noticed the "MISSING" posters tacked onto the lamp post, and moves closer to investigate, but the Doctor carries on oblivious, still yapping to himself. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Mark...? John..? Mark...? Legs like pipe cleaners, but strong as a whippet. ROSE: Doctor... THE DOCTOR: And in those days, everybody had a tea party to go to. ROSE: Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Did you ever have one of those little cakes with the crunchy ball bearings on top... ROSE: You should really look. THE DOCTOR: Do you know those, those things? (Finally saunters over to her). Nobody else in this entire galaxy's ever even bothered to make edible ball bearings. Genius. (Reads the posters). What's taking them, do you think? (Scans the street). Snatching children from a thoroughly ordinary street like this. Why's it so cold...? Is something reducing the temperature...? ROSE: It says they all went missing this week. Why would a person do something like this? THE DOCTOR (considering her): What makes you think it's a person? Rose turns at the sound of a door opening, a woman dumps a recycling sack on the pavement outside her house and hurries back inside, casting furtive looks around her all the while. ROSE: Whatever it is, it's got the whole street scared to death. Doctor, what...? She turns, but the Doctor is already at the other end of the road. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE, TOM'S FRONT GARDEN The Doctor quickly finds the place where Tom disappeared by the mini football goal. He holds his hand out in front of him, as though feeling something invisible. He crouches, his hand hovering above what appears to be an ordinary area of grass. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE As Rose hurries along the road, a car judders to a halt as the engine gives up the ghost. She stops to watch. A council worker, Kel, props his broom up against his white van and approaches the car. KEL: There you go. Fifth today. Not natural, is it? DRIVER: I dunno what happened, I had it serviced less than a month ago. KEL: Nah, don't even try and explain it, mate. All the cars are doing it. And do you know what? It's bonkers. Bonkers. The driver gets out of the car. KEL (CONT'D): Come on then, pal. I'll help you shift it. Quicker you're on the way, happier you'll be. He pushes the car from behind, straining, whilst the driver pushes from the driver's side. DRIVER: There we go. ROSE: Do you want a hand? KEL: No, we're all right, love. ROSE (grinning): No you're not. I'm tougher than I look, honest. He positions herself behind the car and gestures for him to move over. He does and she helps him push it. The engine suddenly springs to life, causing Kel to promptly fall over. He stands, brushing himself down. ROSE: Does this happen a lot? DRIVER (driving off): Cheers, mate! KEL (disgruntled): Been doing it all week. ROSE: Since those children started going missing? KEL (not seeing the connection): Yeah, I s'pose so. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE, TOM'S FRONT GARDEN The Doctor giggles as he feels whatever sensation he's experiencing over the grass. THE DOCTOR: Tickles! Tom's Dad appears behind him, hands in his pockets. TOM'S DAD: What's your game? The Doctor spins around. THE DOCTOR (floundering): My... um... Snakes and Ladders? Quite good at... Squash. Reasonable. (Notices the look on Tom's Dad's face). I'm... being facetious, aren't I? There's no call for it. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Rose and Kel walk along together. KEL: Every car cuts out. The council are going nuts. I mean, they've given this street the works. Renamed it... I've been tarmacking every pot hole... (He gestures proudly). Look at that. Beauty, init? Yep! And all that is because that Olympic Torch comes right by the end of this close. Just down there. Everything's got to be perfect, ain't it? Only it ain't. They come across Maeve. MAEVE: It takes 'em when they're playing. ROSE: What takes them? Trish pops her head round her front door. MAEVE: Danny... Jane... Dale... snatched in the blink of an eye. The Doctor's voice, pleading, comes closer. He is backing away from Tom's Dad who looks like he's about to beat him up. THE DOCTOR: I'm... I'm a police officer! I've got a badge, and... and a police car... you don't have to get... I can... I can prove it! Just hold on. He fishes in his pocket for the psychic paper. TOM'S DAD (roughly): We've had plenty of coppers poking around here, and you don't look, or sound, like any of them. THE DOCTOR (pointing in Rose's face): See, look! I've got a colleague! Lewis. Rose gives Tom's Dad a policeman-like wink. TOM'S DAD: Well, she looks less like a copper than you do. THE DOCTOR: Training. New recruit. It was either that or hairdressing, so... (Brandishes the psychic paper at Tom's Dad). Voila! TRISH (who has joined them): What are you going to do? MAEVE: The police have knocked on every door, no clues, no leads, nothing. TOM'S DAD: Look, kids run off sometimes, all right? That's what they do... MAEVE: Dale Hixon in your garden, playing with your Tommy, and then...! (She mimics something disappearing). Right in front of me, like he was never there! There's no need to look any further than this street. It's right here amongst us. THE DOCTOR: Why don't we... NEIGHBOUR: Why don't we start with him? (She points at Kel). There's been all sorts like him in this street, day and night. KEL (indignantly): Fixing things up for the Olympics! TOM'S DAD: Yeah, and taking an awful long time about it. THE DOCTOR: I'm of the opinion that all we've gotta do is just... KEL (not listening): You don't... what you just said, that's slander! NEIGHBOUR: I don't care what it is! THE DOCTOR: I think we need to just... KEL: I want an apology off her! MAEVE: Stop picking on him. KEL: Yeah, stop picking on me! MAEVE: And stop pretending to be blind! It's evil! NEIGHBOUR (glaring at Kel): I don't believe in evil. KEL (angrily): Oh no, you just believe in tarmackers with sack loads of kidnapped kiddies in their van... NEIGHBOUR: Ay, ay, ay, that's not what she's saying. KEL: Would you stop ganging up on me?! NEIGHBOUR (shrilly): Feeling guilty, are we? THE DOCTOR (shouting over the babble): Fingers on lips! He puts his finger on his lips and glares around at them all as if daring them not to do the same. The council worker behind Kel has already obeyed, and after a moment of complete bewilderment, Kel and Tom's Dad put their fingers on their lips too. The Doctor looks pointedly at Rose, who follows suit. Now all of them have their fingers on their lips, and silence has fallen. THE DOCTOR: In the last six days, three of your children have been stolen. Snatched out of thin air, right? MAEVE (gesturing to ask permission to take her finger off her lips): Er... can I...? The Doctor motions for her to go ahead. MAEVE (CONT'D): Look around you... this was a safe street 'til it came. It's not a person. I'll say it if no one else will. (Chloe watches from her window). Maybe you're coppers, maybe you're not. I don't care who you are. Can you please help us? Rose has spotted Chloe. Trish notices Rose watching her and spins around to look up at the window. She hurries back inside. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSETOM'S FRONT GARDEN The camera pans down from the Union Flag Tom's Dad has hanging out of the upstairs window, to Tom's Dad himself, who parts his net curtains to see Rose standing outside his house and the Doctor sniffing around the front lawn like a sniffer-dog. Rose watches him for a few moments, before... ROSE: Want a hanky? THE DOCTOR: Can you smell it? Rose sniffs. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What does it remind you of? ROSE: Sort of... metal? THE DOCTOR (nodding): Mm-hm! ROSE (grinning): Oooh! The Doctor waves to Tom's Dad before they both leave. EXT. ALLEYWAY The Doctor and Rose walk down a narrow alleyway. THE DOCTOR: Danny Edwards cycled in one end but never came out the other. (He feels something again). Whoa, there it goes again! (Shows Rose the back of his hand). Look at the hairs on the back of my manly hairy hand. ROSE (inhaling): And there's that smell... it's like a um... a burnt fuse plug or something. THE DOCTOR: There's a residual energy in the spots where the kids vanished. Whatever it was, it used an awful lot of power to do this. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe watches a ginger cat on the front lawn through her window. It meows. Chloe pulls more paper towards her and begins to draw just as Trish enters. TRISH: You have to come down some time, Chloe. CHLOE (drawing the cat, unnaturally fast): I'm busy, mum. TRISH (looking at the pictures covering the walls): Look at it in here... you must've used up half a rainforest. Trish picks up the half finished drawing, Dale has been sketched on the same piece of paper. TRISH (CONT'D): That's Dale. Why did you draw him so sad? CHLOE: I didn't draw him like that. (Holds out her hand for the picture). Dale made himself sad. So I'm gonna draw him a friend. (Continues drawing the cat). That's what he needs. More friends. Trish watches her, brow furrowed. TRISH (trying to change the subject): Have you seen the TV? She taps a button on the laptop, bring up BBC News 24. Footage of Olympics is displayed. TRISH: Look, this'll cheer you up. The Torch is gonna be close. (Sits on the bed). They'll pass right by our street. And tonight they'll light the Olympic Flame in the stadium, and the whole world will be looking at our city. (Chloe doesn't even look up). I mean, doesn't that make you feel part of something? (No reply). Sweetheart? Chloe? CHLOE: I'm busy, mum. TRISH: Okay. (watches her for a few more seconds and then stands). You're tired, Chloe. I heard you calling out again, last night. CHLOE: It's fine. TRISH: Nightmares? CHLOE (irritated): I'm drawing! TRISH: Whatever they are... they're just dreams, you do know that? They can't hurt you. CHLOE: I'm busy. Unless you want me to draw you... (She looks darkly at Trish) ... mum. TRISH (giving up): If you wanna stay cooped up in here, fine. I'll leave you to it. She leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Chloe colours the cat in. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Rose is walking a few paces behind the Doctor, back in the close. ROSE: Aren't you a beautiful boy?! THE DOCTOR (beams): Thanks! I'm experimenting with back-combing. Then he notices Rose is talking to a cat. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (disappointed): Oh. ROSE (stroking it): I used to have one like you. The cat meows. The Doctor is watching uncomfortably, looking as though he has a nasty taste in his mouth. ROSE (CONT'D) (noticing): What? THE DOCTOR: No, I'm not really a cat person. Once you've been threatened by one in a nun's wimple, it kind of takes the joy out of it. The cat wanders over to a cardboard box. ROSE (following): Come here, puss! The Doctor has averted his eyes. The cat climbs inside the box. ROSE (CONT'D): What do you wanna go in there for? There is a whooshing sound, and the cat's meow echoes slightly as if fading into the distance. Rose peers inside the box, it is empty. ROSE (CONT'D) (urgently): Doctor! The Doctor hurries over to her. Rose hurriedly stands up as the smell hits her. THE DOCTOR (backing off): Whoa! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! He waves the smell away and picks up the empty cardboard box. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Iron residue. Blimey! That takes some doing! (Turns the box around, impressed). Just to snatch a living organism out of space / time. This baby is just like, (puts on rough accent) "I'm 'avin' some of that", I'm impressed. ROSE: So the cat's been transported? INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe is watching them through the window. THE DOCTOR: It can harness huge reserves of ionic power. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (pointing): We need to find the source of that power. (Looks around) Find the source and you will find... whatever has taken to stealing children and fluffy animals. See what you can see. (Whacks Rose on the shoulder, gestures his eyes). Keep 'em peeled, Lewis. Rose nods as the Doctor walks off. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe is alone in her bedroom, sitting at her desk and apparently talking to herself. CHLOE (complaining): I've given you friends and you still moan. Moan, moan, moan. You're lucky. You're all together. (Looks round at all the woe-begone children in the drawings on the wall). You don't know what it is to be alone. If you did, you'd be thanking me. She pulls more paper towards her, obviously irritated. She starts to draw, pressing the pencil into the paper just a little too hard, and the lead snaps. CHLOE (CONT'D) (frustrated): No! She scribbles randomly on the paper in her annoyance. INT. CUL-DE-SAC Rose is alone and walking down what appears to be a dead end. The neighbourhood is eerily quiet except from a dog barking. Something crashes from inside one of the garages, causing Rose to turn. The initial crash is followed by several smaller ones as she approaches the garage door. ROSE: Is that you, puss-cat? Are you trapped? There is the sound of something metal rolling along the floor from within. Rose puts her ear against the door, but jumps back almost immediately at the sound of another crash. She considers the door. ROSE (CONT'D) (under her breath): Not gonna open it, not gonna open it. Not gonna open it... And she opens it. Slowly, tentatively... she looks inside and is immediately ambushed by what resembles a very violent tangle of wires, making a strange buzzing sound. Rose falls backwards. The Doctor appears round the corner in the nick of time and starts running as soon as he sees she's in trouble. THE DOCTOR: Stay still! He points his sonic screwdriver at the giant scribble, and it convulses, collapsing into a small ball which falls into Rose's outstretched hands. The Doctor rushes to Rose and stands over her. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Okey dokey? He holds out his hands and pulls Rose to her feet. ROSE (slightly out of breath): Yeah, cheers. THE DOCTOR: No probs. They have a quick hug before returning their attention to the object in Rose's hand. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'll give you a fiver if you can tell me what the hell it is. (Pokes it with the sonic screwdriver). 'Cos I haven't got the foggiest. ROSE: Well, I can tell you you've just killed it. THE DOCTOR (taking it): It was never living. It's animated by energy. Same energy that's snatching people. (He throws it up and down, quite delighted). That is so dinky! The Go-Anywhere creature. Fits in your pocket... makes friends, impresses the boss... breaks the ice at parties... He pockets it. Rose laughs as they move off. INT. TARDIS The Doctor has put the object on the TARDIS console for analysing. THE DOCTOR: Oh, hi ho, here we go. Let's have a look. The Doctor and Rose are watching the computer screen, which is displaying Gallifreyan symbols. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (surprised): Get out of here... ROSE: What's it say? As if to confirm what he has just seen, the Doctor takes a pencil from his pocket and holds the object out in front of him. He uses the rubber (eraser) at the end of the pencil to rub out part of the object. THE DOCTOR: It is! (he blows it). It's graphite! Basically the same material as an HB pencil. ROSE: I was attacked by a... pencil scribble? THE DOCTOR: Scribble creature. (Sniffs it, then lets Rose sniff it). Brought into being with ionic energy. Whatever we're dealing with, it can create things as well as take them. But... why make a scribble creature?! ROSE: Maybe it was a mistake... I mean, you scribble over something when you wanna get rid of it. Like a um... like a drawing. Like a... a (look of realisation) child's drawing. (Doctor glances at her). You said it was in the street. THE DOCTOR: Probably... ROSE: The girl. THE DOCTOR: Of course! ... What girl? ROSE: Something about her gave me the creeps... even her own mum looked scared of her. THE DOCTOR (leaning in): Are you deducting? ROSE (conspiratorial look): I think I am. THE DOCTOR: Copper's hunch? ROSE: Permission to follow it up, sarge. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY We see the vague figures of the Doctor and Rose through the glass of Trish's front door as they ring the doorbell. Trish considers for a moment, suspicious, they rap on the letter box. Trish opens the door. They give her friendly smiles. THE DOCTOR: Hello! I'm the Doctor and this is Rose. Can we see your daughter? TRISH: No! You can't. THE DOCTOR: Okay! Bye. They walk away in silence, waiting, and sure enough. TRISH: Why? They turn in unison. TRISH (CONT'D): Why do you want to see Chloe? THE DOCTOR: Well, there's some interesting stuff going on in this street, and I just thought, well, we thought, that she might like to give us a hand. ROSE: Sorry to bother you. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, sorry. We'll let you get on with things. On your own. Bye again! They turn and walk away again, but Trish does not close the door. And after a few moments... TRISH: Wait! The Doctor and Rose turn again. The expression on Trish's face is helpless, vulnerable. TRISH (CONT'D): Can you help her? The Doctor smiles. THE DOCTOR: Yes, I can. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, SITTING ROOM Inside Trish's sitting room, footage of the Olympic Torch Bearer is on the TV. COMMENTATOR: The Torch Bearer is running up towards the mall, which I can tell you is... Rose sits herself down on the sofa while the Doctor flings his coat down next to her. TRISH: She stays in her room, most of the time. I try talking to her, but it's like trying to speak to a brick wall. She gives me nothing, just asks to be left alone. ROSE: What about Chloe's dad? TRISH: Chloe's dad died a year ago. ROSE: I'm sorry. TRISH: You wouldn't be if you'd known him. THE DOCTOR (brightly): Well! Let's go and say hi! TRISH (hesitant): I should check on her first... she might be asleep. THE DOCTOR: Why are you afraid of her, Trish? TRISH: I want you to know before you see her that's she's really a great kid. THE DOCTOR: I'm sure she is. TRISH: She's never been in trouble at school... you should see her report from last year. As and Bs. She smiles at Rose, proud. Rose smiles back. ROSE: Can I use your loo? Trish nods. The Doctor watches Rose closely as she leaves the room. TRISH (to the Doctor): She's in the choir... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, STAIRS Rose goes up the stairs, Trish's voice carrying. TRISH (CONT'D): She's singing in an old folks home. Any mum would be proud. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, SITTING ROOM TRISH (CONT'D): You know... I want you to know these things before you see her, Doctor. Because right now, she's not herself. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, LANDING Rose emerges onto the landing. A shadow blocks out the light from the crack beneath Chloe's bedroom door, and there is the sound of movement from within. Rose hurriedly hides herself in a nearby airing cupboard, closing the ventilated doors on herself. She watches Chloe leave her room through the gaps and hears her footsteps on the stairs. She cautiously comes out of the airing cupboard, closing the doors as quietly as she can behind her. She now has her eyes on Chloe's bedroom door. She pushes it open and looks inside, observing the hundreds of drawings covering the walls. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Rose creeps further in, looking around. The wardrobe doors rattle and Rose gasps and jumps, causing her to knock a pencil holder onto the floor. She quickly picks them up and replaces them. Her gaze is drawn to a drawing of boy, baring his teeth at her, the boy was merely frowning a few moments ago. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, KITCHEN The Doctor pops is head around the corner, looking through the dining room into the kitchen. THE DOCTOR: All right, there? Chloe is drinking some milk from the fridge. The Doctor walks into the kitchen, Trish behind him. He settles himself against a table as Chloe replaces the milk and closes the fridge door. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'm the Doctor. CHLOE (facing him): I'm Chloe Webber. THE DOCTOR: How're you doing, Chloe Webber? CHLOE: I'm busy. I'm making something. Aren't I, mum? TRISH: And like I said, she's not been sleeping. THE DOCTOR: But you've been drawing, though. I'm rubbish. Stick men are about my limit. Can do this, though... He does the 'live long and prosper' sign from Star Trek. Chloe's face is expressionless. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Can you do that? Trish nods at Chloe, encouraging her to answer. CHLOE: They don't stop moaning. TRISH: Chloe... CHLOE: I try to help them, but they don't stop moaning. THE DOCTOR (quietly, lowers his hand): Who don't? CHLOE: We can be together. TRISH (moving towards her): Sweetheart... CHLOE: Don't touch me, mum. Trish stops in her tracks, letting her hand fall back to her side. She and the Doctor glances at one another. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Rose jumps at the sound of the wardrobe doors rattling again. After a nervous glances around the room, she approaches the wardrobe slowly, steeling herself... then she opens them slowly, peering inside. A wind is rustling the clothes. She parts them to see the back of the wardrobe, and a red light floods the wardrobe and reflects off Rose's face. On the back of the wardrobe, there is a huge picture of a bearded man whose face is contorted with fury - the red light is coming from his glowing red eyes. This is Chloe's Dad. CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, KITCHEN CHLOE: I'm busy... Doctor. She leaves. THE DOCTOR (calling after her, disappointed): Oh, come on, Chloe! Don't be a spoil sport! (He follows her back into the hallway). What's the big project? I'm dying to know! What're you making up there? ROSE (terrified, from upstairs): Doctor! The Doctor lurches forwards and sprints up the stairs, Trish and Chloe following. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Rose is staring into the wardrobe as though transfixed when the Doctor runs into the room. CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming to hurt you... The Doctor slams the wardrobe doors shut without so much as a glance at the inside. ROSE: Look at it. THE DOCTOR: No, ta. He walks away to examine the drawings on the wall, putting his glasses on. TRISH: What the hell was that? ROSE: A drawing. The face of a man. TRISH: What face? She tries to open the doors but Rose rams herself up against them, stopping her. ROSE: Best not. TRISH (to Chloe): What've you been drawing? CHLOE: I'm drew him yesterday. TRISH: Who? CHLOE: Dad. TRISH (unpleasantly surprised and upset): Your dad? But he's long gone. Chloe, with all the lovely things in the world, why him? CHLOE: I dream about him, staring at me. TRISH: I thought we were putting him behind us. What's the matter with you? CHLOE: We need to stay together. TRISH: Yes, we do. CHLOE: No. Not you. Us. The Doctor glances around at this. CHLOE (CONT'D): We need to stay together. And then it'll be all right. Trish goes over to her, putting her hands on her daughter's cheeks. Chloe flinches. ROSE: Trish, the drawings, have you seen what Chloe's drawings can do? TRISH (suddenly cold): Who gave you permission to come into her room? Get out of my house. THE DOCTOR: Tell us about the drawings, Chloe. TRISH: I don't wanna here any more of this. ROSE: But that drawing of her dad... I heard a voice. He spoke. TRISH: He's dead. And these, they're kids pictures. Now get out! ROSE: Chloe has a power. And I don't know how, but she used it to take Danny Edwards. Dale Hicks, she's using it to snatch the kids. TRISH: Get out. ROSE (pleading): Have you seen those drawings move? TRISH (derisively): I haven't seen anything. THE DOCTOR: Yes you have. Out of the corner of your eye. TRISH (turning to him): No. THE DOCTOR: And you dismissed it, because what choice do you have when you see something you can't possibly explain? (He moves over to her). You dismiss it, right? And if anyone mentions it, you get angry, so it's never spoken of, ever ag... TRISH: She's a child... THE DOCTOR: And you're terrified of her. But there's no one to turn to, because who's gonna believe the things you see out of the corner of your eye? No one. Except me. TRISH: Who are you? THE DOCTOR: I'm help. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, KITCHEN Back in the kitchen, the Doctor swipes a jar of marmalade off the worktop, unscrews the lid, dips his fingers into it and starts sucking the jam off. Rose clears her throat. He pauses, and Rose shakes her head at him, mouthing 'no'. The Doctor, looking for all the world like a naughty schoolboy caught red-handed, glances at Trish who is just staring at him. He meekly replaces the lid and pushes the jar behind him. ROSE: Those pictures, they're alive. She's drawing people and they end up in her pictures. THE DOCTOR: Ionic energy. Chloe's harnessing it to steal those kids and place them in some kid of holding-pen made up of ionic power. ROSE: And what about the dad from hell in her wardrobe? TRISH: How many times do I have to tell you? He's dead. ROSE (disbelieving): Well, he's got a very loud voice for a dead bloke. THE DOCTOR (thinking): If living things can become drawings, then maybe drawings can become living things... He suddenly shivers violently, making Rose jump. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Chloe's real dad is dead, but not the one who visits her in her nightmares. That dad seems very real. That's the dad she's drawn and he's a heartbeat away from crashing into this world... TRISH: She always got the worst of it when he was alive. ROSE: Doctor, how can a twelve-year-old girl be doing any of this? THE DOCTOR (after a pause): Let's find out. He strides off. Rose follows. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM The Doctor, Rose and Trish enter Chloe's bedroom. She is sitting cross-legged on the bed. The Doctor stands before her, looking down at her. She says nothing, but does the "live long and prosper" sign. THE DOCTOR: Nice one. He kneels in front of her, holding her head in his hands, fingers on her temples. Her eyes roll in her head for a moment before closing. He closes his own eyes before suddenly Chloe falls backwards onto the bed. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): There we go... TRISH (moving towards them in her concern): I can't let him do this... ROSE (stopping her, comforting): Shh, it's okay. Trust him. The Doctor straightens up. THE DOCTOR (addressing Chloe): Now we can talk. When Chloe speaks, her voice comes out as a strange whisper, and it's obviously not her. CHLOE: I want Chloe. Wake her up. I want Chloe. THE DOCTOR: Who are you? CHLOE (with passion): I want Chloe Webber! TRISH (upset): What've you done to my little girl? ROSE: Doctor, what is it? The Doctor walks slowly around the bed, all the while looking down at Chloe. THE DOCTOR (to "Chloe"): I'm speaking to you. The entity that is using this human child. I request parlez in compliance with the Shadow Proclamation. CHLOE: I don't care about shadows or parlez. THE DOCTOR: So what do you care about? CHLOE: I want my friends. THE DOCTOR (kneeling by her): You're lonely, I know. Identify yourself. CHLOE: I am one of many. I travel with my brothers and sisters. We take an endless journey. A thousand of your lifetimes. But now I am alone. I hate it. It's not fair. And I hate it! Her eyes snap open. THE DOCTOR: Name yourself! CHLOE: Isolus. THE DOCTOR (as if this explains everything): You're Isolus. Of course. CHLOE: Our journey began in the Deep Realms when we were a family. She is drawing on a piece of paper next to her on the bed whilst speaking. TRISH (looking at the drawing): What's that? The drawings begins to take shape. THE DOCTOR: The Isolus Mother, drifting in Deep Space. (Stands). See, she jettisons millions of fledgling spores. Her children. The Isolus are empathic beings of intense emotions, but when they're cast off from their mother, their empathic link, their need for each other, is what sustains them. They need to be together. They cannot be alone. CHLOE: Our journey is long. THE DOCTOR: The Isolus children travel, each inside a pod. They ride the heat and energy of solar tides. It takes thousands and thousands of years for them to grow up. ROSE: Thousands of years just floating through space... poor things, don't they go mad with boredom? CHLOE: We play. ROSE: You... play? The Doctor sits down on the bed. THE DOCTOR: Mm. While they travel, they play games. They use their ionic power to literally create make-believe worlds in which to play. ROSE: In-flight entertainment. THE DOCTOR: Helps keep them happy. While they're happy, they can feed off each others love. Without it, they're lost. (He addresses Chloe / the Isolus again). Why did you come to Earth? CHLOE: We were too close. She rips the piece of paper she is drawing on off the pad and starts anew. THE DOCTOR (looking at the drawing): That's a solar flare from your sun. Would've made a tidal wave of solar energy that scattered the Isolus pods. CHLOE: Only I fell to Earth. My brothers and sisters are left up there. And I cannot reach them. So alone. THE DOCTOR: Your pod crashed... where is it? CHLOE: My pod was drawn to heat... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Flashback: Chloe drawing at her desk, sunlight pouring in through the window. CHLOE (CONT'D) (voice-over): And I was drawn to Chloe Webber. Chloe looks up as she sees the Isolus floating outside the bedroom window. She smiles, thinking it is pretty. CHLOE (CONT'D (voice-over): She was like me. Alone. She needed me. And I her. The Isolus enters Chloe through her mouth, making her gasp. End flashback. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM The Doctor strokes Chloe's head. THE DOCTOR: You empathised with her. You wanted to be with her because she was alone like you. CHLOE: I want my family. It's not fair. Rose and Trish watch this, obviously affected. THE DOCTOR: I understand. You wanna make a family. But you can't stay in this child. It's wrong. You can't steal any more friends for yourself. CHLOE: I am alone. There is another thump from the wardrobe. Trish gasps. CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming to hurt you. Chloe starts to shake and tremble in fear, although her face remains impassive. There is a pounding on the door of the wardrobe. CHLOE'S DAD (CONT'D): I'm coming. THE DOCTOR: Trish, how do you calm her? Chloe's body is jerking as though she is having a seizure. TRISH: What?! THE DOCTOR: When she has nightmares, what do you do? TRISH: I... I... THE DOCTOR (urgently): What do you do? TRISH: I sing to her. THE DOCTOR: Then start singing. He motions for Trish to come over. Trish takes his place next to Chloe. CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... I'm coming. TRISH (singing): Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, merry merry king of the bush is he... CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... Chloe... The banging and thumping on the door continues. The Doctor and Rose both look over at it, whilst Trish strokes Chloe's hair, trying to sooth her. CHLOE'S DAD (CONT'D): Chloe... Chloe... [b]TRISH[/b] (singing): Laugh, Kookaburra laugh, Kookaburra, gay your life must be. The banging and the voice eventually fades. TRISH (CONT'D) (singing): Laugh, Kookaburra laugh, Kookaburra, gay your life must be. Chloe is now asleep. TRISH (CONT'D) (in tears): He came to her because she was lonely... Chloe, I'm sorry... She buries her head in her little girl's shoulder, arms around her, sobbing. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, SITTING ROOM Trish strides into the sitting room and starts gathering up all the pencils that are lying around. TRISH: Chloe usually got the brunt of his temper. When he'd had a drink. The day he crashed the car, I thought we were free. Rose hands her a bunch of pencils. TRISH (CONT'D): I thought it was over. ROSE: Did you talk to her about it? TRISH: I didn't want to. Rose sits down. ROSE: But... maybe that's why Chloe feels so alone. 'Cos she has all these terrible dreams about her dad, but she can't talk to you about them. THE DOCTOR: Her an the Isolus... two lonely kids who need each other. ROSE: And it won't stop, will it, Doctor? It'll just keep pulling kids in. THE DOCTOR: It's desperate to be loved. It's used to a pretty big family. ROSE: How big? THE DOCTOR: Say around... four billion? This draws a stunned silence from Rose and Trish. Rose turns her attention to the television. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe watches the TV on the laptop in her bedroom, again, it is on BBC News 24, showing footage of the Olympics. COMMENTATOR: The queues started a week ago for those desperate enough to be inside, although lots of them expected a capacity crowd of eighty thousand... A small sound from the wardrobe causes Chloe to look around. She stands and moves off. COMMENTATOR (CONT'D): For this evening's opening ceremony. I have to say there's been... EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE The Doctor shrugs into his coat as he and Rose leave Trish's house. THE DOCTOR: We need that pod. ROSE: It crashed, won't it be destroyed? THE DOCTOR: Well, it's been sucking in all the heat it can... hopefully that should keep it in a fit state to launch. Chloe is watching them through her bedroom window. Rose spots her outline. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It must be close. It should have a weak energy signature that the TARDIS can trace. Once we find it, then we can stop the Isolus. Chloe moves away from the window. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, SITTING ROOM Trish is downstairs on the phone. TRISH: She's running a temperature. (Picks up a small bit of paper from the table). I can't go into that now, Kirsty. Yes, we've got a doctor. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY Unbeknownst to Trish, Chloe quietly opens the front door and sneaks out. TRISH (CONT'D): Yeah, he said he can help her. EXT. CAR PARK The Doctor and Rose approach the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: We can scan for the same trace we picked up from the scribble creature. Just need to widen the field a bit. He fishes in his pocket for the TARDIS key and opens the door. They go inside. Chloe watches from a distance, taking in the sight of the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS The Doctor fumbles with some device, putting it together. Rose is sat in the chair next to the console. ROSE: You knew the Isolus was lonely before it told you. How? The Doctor shoves Rose off the chair and sits down on it himself. THE DOCTOR: I know what it's like to travel a long way on your own. Give me the stina magnetic erm... (he nods towards it violently) thing in your left hand! Rose glances at him, chewing on gum absent-mindedly. ROSE: Sounds like you're on its side. Rose slots the 'thing in her left hand' into the device whilst the Doctor holds it still between his legs. THE DOCTOR: I sympathise, that's all. ROSE: The Isolus has caused a lot of pain for these people. THE DOCTOR: It's a child! (He blows on the device). That's why it went to Chloe, two lonely mixed up kids. He blows on it again, examining it. ROSE: Hmm... feels to me like a temper tantrum because it can't get its own way. THE DOCTOR: It's scared! Come on, you were a kid once. Binary dot. ROSE (handing him the binary dot): Yes! And I know what kids can be like. Right little... terrors. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Back in her bedroom, Chloe reaches under her bed and takes out a doll. She pulls the head off, revealing the pencils stashed inside it. She takes them out, with the air of someone in a hurry. INT. TARDIS THE DOCTOR (holding his hand out under Rose's mouth): Gum. Rose spits her gum out into his hand. ROSE: I've got cousins. Kids can't have it all their own way. That's part of being a family. The Doctor sticks the gum to the device, securing it. THE DOCTOR: What about trying to understand them? ROSE (turning away with a slight smile): Easy for you to say. You don't have kids. THE DOCTOR (off-handedly): I was a dad once. ROSE (turns, shocked and stunned): What did you say? The Doctor doesn't seem to notice the effect his words had on Rose. He doesn't reply. THE DOCTOR: I think we're there! (He stands, goes to the console). Fear. Loneliness. They're the big ones, Rose. Some of the most terrible acts ever committed have been inspired by them. We're not dealing with something that wants to conquer or destroy. Rose is still reeling from the bombshell he just dropped, but he's carrying on oblivious, pulling levers and pressing buttons on the console. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): There's a lot of things you need to get across this universe. (Indicates). Warp drive... wormhole refractors... Rose holds her hand out. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold. He notices Rose's outstretched hand and takes it, grinning. ROSE: No! Look, I'm pointing. She laughs. The Doctor looks at the computer screen where she was pointing, a flashing white light on a map of the neighbourhood indicates the whereabouts of the pod. THE DOCTOR (excited): It's the pod! It is in the street! Everything's coming up Doctor! He scoots off towards the doors. Rose follows after a moment, still slightly distracted. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM In her bedroom, Chloe is drawing a picture of the TARDIS. EXT. CAR PARK The Doctor and Rose emerge from the TARDIS. The Doctor shuts the door behind him. THE DOCTOR: Okay. It's about two inches across. Dull grey, like a gulls egg. Very light. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe is now drawing the Doctor. ROSE (voice-over): So these pods, they travel from sun to sun using heat, yeah? EXT. CAR PARK ROSE (CONT'D): So it's not all about love and stuff. Doesn't the pod just need heat? A crash from behind her causes her to turn, the device she and the Doctor just constructed is shattered on the floor, and the Doctor has vanished. Rose's eyes widen in shock. ROSE: Doctor? The TARDIS has gone too. ROSE (CONT'D): Doctor? INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY Rose knocks on the door of Trish's house frantically. Trish opens the door, Rose barges past her and up the stairs. TRISH (following): It's okay! I've taken all the pencils off her! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Rose bursts into Chloe's bedroom. She crosses the room to the desk, swiping away the paper Chloe is drawing on and observing the TARDIS and the Doctor sketched onto it. CHLOE (with the Isolus' voice): Leave me alone! I want to be with Chloe Webber! I love Chloe Webber! ROSE: Bring him back, now. CHLOE: No. Rose turns away for a second, head in hands, and then very suddenly spins round and grabs Chloe by the shoulders. ROSE (viciously): Don't you realise what you've done? He was the only one who could help you, now bring him back! CHLOE: Leave me alone! I love Chloe Webber! Rose's face softens. Trish watches. ROSE (gently): I know. (She stands). I know. She turns her attention to the paper she is holding. ROSE (CONT'D): Doctor, if you can hear me, I'm gonna get you out of there. I'll find the pod. (To Trish). Don't leave her alone, no matter what. She leaves the room. COMMENTATOR: ... the Torch Bearer getting even closer to the Olympic Stadium... before turning East along the embankment. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Kel smoothes down the road outside with the palm of his hand as Rose exits the house. ROSE (looking around): Heat. They travel on heat. KEL: Look at this finish. Smooth as a baby's bottom. Rose hurries over to him. KEL (CONT'D): Not a bump or a lump. ROSE (crouching to speak to him): Kel, was there anything in this street in the last few days giving off a lot of heat? KEL (not really listening): I mean, you can eat your dinner off this. Beautiful. So you tell me why the other one's got a lump in it when I gave it the same love and craftsmanship I did this one ROSE: Well, when you've worked it out, put it in a big book about tarmacking, but before you do that, think back six days. KEL: Six days... (He remembers). When I was laying this the first time round! ROSE: What? KEL: Well, that's when I filled in this pothole for the first time. ROSE (thinking hard): Six days ago... (She's working it out). Hot fresh tar... KEL: Blended to a secret council recipe. Without another word, Rose stands and runs to the van. KEL (CONT'D) (calling after her): Ah... ah! I don't keep it in the van! Rose wrenches open the doors. KEL (CONT'D) (striding towards her): Ay, that's a council van. Out. Rose ignores him and climbs inside, picking up an axe. She laughs with glee when she finds it, hopping out of the van again. KEL (CONT'D): Whoa, wait, wait, wait, you just removed a council axe from a council van. Put it back. No don't, wait, put the axe back in the van, that's my van, gimme the axe. Rose swings the axe behind her, ready to bring it down hard on the road. KEL (CONT'D): No! Wait! No! With a shout, Rose brings the axe crashing down the road, smashing through the tarmac. KEL (CONT'D) (yelling, bewildered): No! You... stop! Rose hacks at the road again. KEL (CONT'D) (outraged): You just took a council axe, from a council van, and now you're digging up a council road! I'm reporting you to the council! Rose scrabbles around the hole she just made, and finds the pod. ROSE: It went for the hottest thing in the street. Your tar! She laughs in delight. KEL: What is it?! ROSE: It's a spaceship! Not a council spaceship, I'm afraid. She examines it. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe bars her bedroom door with a chair. She grabs some pencils from beneath the duvet cover, sits at her desk, pulls paper towards her and begins to draw. Her laptop is still showing the Olympics with a running commentary. Chloe begins to draw tiny faces on the paper, representing the crowds inside the Olympic stadium. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY Rose bursts in through the front door. ROSE: I found it! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, SITTING ROOM Rose goes through to the sitting room, where Trish joins her. ROSE (CONT'D): I don't know what to do with it, but maybe the Isolus will just hop on board. (Realises Trish is alone). Hang on, I told you not to leave her! COMMENTATOR: My God. Er, what's going on here? They turn to the TV, the crowds inside the stadium have vanished, leaving it deserted. Kel appears at the living room door. KEL: I don't care if you've got Snow White and the Seven Dwarves buried under there, you don't go digging up... ROSE (pointing at the TV): Shut up and look! COMMENTATOR: The crowd has vanished! Er... um... they're gone. Everyone has gone. Thousands of people have just gone. Er... um... right in front of my eyes. Um... it's impossible! Bob, can we join you, um, in the box? (Silence - footage cuts to empty box). Bob? Not you too, Bob? ROSE: The stadium won't be enough. The Isolus has four billion brothers and sisters. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe watches the laptop in her room. COMMENTATOR: Over eighty-thousand spectators and thirteen thousand athletes... CHLOE: Not enough. COMMENTATOR: Er... they're gone! All of those people. Er... it's a terrible, terrible turn of events... She stands and rushes over to her shelves, grabs an atlas and some pencils. She opens the book at a diagram of the Planet Earth, blue and green pencils at the ready. CHLOE (whispers): We won't be alone, Chloe Webber. We'll have all of them. And then we'll never feel alone. Ever again. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, LANDING Rose charges up to Chloe's bedroom door holding the axe, Trish behind her. She tries the handle, but the chair is obstructing the door. TRISH: Chloe? ROSE (urgently): Chloe, it's Rose! Open the door! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM At the sound of their voices, Chloe rips her magazine cuttings off the wall, leaving a blank space. She starts to draw. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, LANDING ROSE: We found your ship! We can send you home! TRISH: Chloe?! ROSE: Open up! (To Trish): Right, stand back. Trish does so. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe has already drawn the outline of the planet. CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming to hurt you... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, LANDING Rose swings the axe and brings it crashing down on the door. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM The wardrobe doors begin to rattle as Chloe's Dad growls. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, LANDING Rose swings the axe again and again, splintering the wood. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe begins to draw faster, as if hurrying to finish it. CHLOE'S DAD (CONT'D): I'm coming to hurt you... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, LANDING Having made a large enough hole in the door to fit her arm through, Rose knocks the chair out of the way and opens the door. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM She and Trish rush in. ROSE: Chloe! CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming to hurt you... Chloe is now colouring the land in green. CHLOE'S DAD (CONT'D): I'm coming... ROSE: I've gotta stop her. She starts forward but the wardrobe doors rattle particularly violently and she steps back. CHLOE: If you stop Chloe Webber, I will let him out. We will let him out together. I cannot be alone. It's not fair. Rose holds the pod out to her. ROSE: Look, I've got your pod. CHLOE: The pod is dead. ROSE: It... it only needs heat. CHLOE: It needs more than heat. ROSE (desperate): What, then? KEL (who just joined them): I'm not being funny or nothing, but that picture just moved. Rose and Trish look where he is pointing. KEL (CONT'D) (pointing at the drawing of the Doctor and the TARDIS): And that one! Rose picks it up. There is now a simple sketch of the Olympic Torch next to the Doctor, and he is pointing to it. ROSE: She didn't draw that. He did. But it needs more than heat, Doctor. She looks at the picture, helpless. She turns her attention to the television, which is now showing the athlete running along the road with the Torch. COMMENTATOR: It's much more than a torch now, it's a beacon. It's a beacon of hope and fortitude and courage. And it's a beacon of love. ROSE (with realisation): Love. COMMENTATOR: So let's have a look from the helicopter; there we go, the torch running... ROSE: I know how to charge up the pod. She leaves. Chloe is still colouring in the Earth. COMMENTATOR: ... past Dame Kelly Holmes Close. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Rose jogs down the close, there are lots of people congregated at the end, cheering as the torch bearer passes by. Rose joins them, squeezing through to the front. A policeman stops her. POLICEMAN: Sorry, you'll have to watch from here. ROSE: No, I've gotta get closer... POLICEMAN: No way! ROSE: I can stop this from happening! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... TRISH: Chloe... CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming to hurt you. Trish addresses the shaking wardrobe, crying and out of her mind with anxiety, clutching at her head. TRISH: My baby! You're not going to hurt her again! CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE As the torch bearer passes by, the pod begins to chirp. ROSE: You felt it, didn't you? She backs out of the crowd and then brings her cupped hands close to her mouth, whispering to the pod. ROSE (CONT'D): Feel the love. She throws it into the air and it is drawn to the torch. The torch bearer staggers slightly as it falls into the flames, but dismisses it. Rose jumps up and down with joy. ROSE (CONT'D): Yes! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM Chloe has very nearly finished colouring in the Earth, when suddenly she stops, eyes wide. CHLOE / ISOLUS: I can go home. Goodbye, Chloe Webber. I love you. Chloe's eyes roll in her head as the tiny Isolus emerges from her mouth and zooms off through the window. As though she has just woken up, Chloe turns to Trish. CHLOE (CONT'D): Mum? TRISH: I'm here. CHLOE (dropping her pencil): Mummy! Chloe rushes into her mother's arms and hugs her. Trish hugs her back, overjoyed. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Still cheering and whooping with delight, Rose throws her arms around Kel. KEL: You did it! (Confused). What was it you did? Rose grabs him again and spins him around, giggling and bouncing up and down. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE All the missing children materialise out of thin air, in the exact same spots from which they disappeared. Dale runs to his mother, hugging her. DALE: Mummy! Rose smiles and watches Jane run to her mother. JANE'S MOTHER: Oh, Jane! Rose is happy to see them reunited, but is slightly distant. ROSE (to herself): Doctor... She watches the happy families sadly, and jumps with Maeve touches her arm. MAEVE: I don't know who you are, or what you did, but thank you, darling! She kisses Rose's cheek. Rose laughs. MAEVE (CONT'D): And thank that man for me too! She walks away. Rose scans the street with growing anxiety. ROSE (voice starting to shake): Where is he? He should be here. She watches the happy children playing on the street. ROSE (CONT'D): All the drawings have come to life. (Looks up at Chloe's bedroom window). That means all of them. A red light fills Chloe's room and we hear the sound of Chloe's Dad growling. ROSE (CONT'D): Oh, no. She runs towards the house. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY Chloe and Trish are walking down the stairs together when the front door suddenly slams shut of its own accord. Trish tries to open it, but it is stuck fast. The other doors from the hallway slam shut too, leaving them trapped. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Rose rushes to the front door and bangs on it. ROSE (urgently, through the glass): Trish, get out! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY TRISH: I can't! The door's stuck! ROSE: Is the Doctor in there? TRISH: I don't think so! CHLOE (scared): Mummy... Dust is shaken from the ceiling as the sound of heavy footsteps is heard overhead, accompanied by the red light. CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe, I'm coming to hurt you... CHLOE (plaintive): Please, dad. No more. CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... ROSE (speaking fast): Chloe, listen to me. It isn't real like the others. It's just energy left over by the Isolus, but you can get rid of it... TRISH (banging on the door): Help us! ROSE: Oh it's 'cos you're so scared that he's real! But you can get shot of him, Chloe! CHLOE (casting terrified looks over her shoulder): Mummy! ROSE: You can do it, Chloe! CHLOE: I can't! INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, CHLOE'S BEDROOM There is a shadow of a man on Chloe's bedroom wall. CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... I'm coming... INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY CHLOE: I can't... She sinks to the bottom of the door, hunched up and terrified, giving up. CHLOE (CONT'D): I can't. The shadow appears on the wall of the landing. CHLOE'S DAD: I'm coming... CHLOE: Mummy... CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... TRISH (putting her arms around her): I'm with you, Chloe. You're not alone. You'll never be alone again. ROSE (pounding on the door): Sing again! Chloe, sing CHLOE'S DAD: Chloe... Chloe begins to sing the Kookaburra song again, but it can barely be heard over Chloe's Dad's roars, his shadow coming closer. CHLOE'S DAD (CONT'D): Chloe... Chloe... Chloe... Chloe, I'm coming to hurt you. Trish joins her in the song. CHLOE'S DAD (CONT'D): Chloe! As their voices become stronger, his becomes weaker. His shadow retreats and the light fades. He roars with anger, but it sounds distant. CHLOE / TRISH (laughing with relief, singing): ... merry merry king of the bush is he... EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Rose, sighing with relief, slides down the door, sinking to the ground. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, HALLWAY CHLOE / TRISH: Laugh, Kookaburra laugh, Kookaburra, gay your life must be. They look at each other, smiling. EXT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE Outside, Kel approaches a desolate Rose. KEL: Maybe he's gone somewhere. ROSE (so sad): Who's gonna hold his hand now? Kel doesn't know what to say. INT. WEBBERS' HOUSE, SITTING ROOM Back in the sitting room, Trish and Chloe watch the TV, the crowds have returned to the stadium. COMMENTATOR: Just look at this! Utterly incredibly scenes at the Olympics stadium, eighty thousand athletes and spectators, they disappeared, they've come back! They look up as Rose and Kel enter to watch. COMMENTATOR (CONT'D): They've returned. They've reappeared. It's quite incredible. Bob, this will certainly... ROSE (completely lost): Eighty thousand people, so where's the Doctor...? (close to tears). I need him. COMMENTATOR: The torch bearer seems to be in a bit of trouble. We did see a flash of lightening earlier which seemed to strike him... erm, maybe he's injured... he's definitely in trouble. The torch bearer collapses. COMMENTATOR (CONT'D): Does this mean that the Olympic Dream is dead? A familiar brown-clad arm picks up the torch. ROSE (a smile spreading across her face): Doctor... The Doctor starts to run with the torch alongside the crowds. COMMENTATOR: There's a mystery man, he's picked up the flame... we've no idea who he is... erm... he's carrying the flame, yes! He's carrying the flame and no one wants to stop him. Kel, Trish and Chloe smile as Rose laughs in relief and joy. COMMENTATOR (CONT'D): It's more than a flame now, Bob. It's more than heat and light. It's hope. And it's courage. And it's love. EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM The Doctor runs up the red carpeted stairs with the torch, the spot light following him. The Doctor faces the crowds with a huge grin on his face, whooping. He lights the Olympic Flame. THE DOCTOR: Go on. Join your brothers and sisters. They'll be waiting. The crowd scream and cheer. The Isolus, unseen by anyone except the Doctor, rises up into the air and away into the night. INT. DAME KELLY HOLMES CLOSE The Doctor walks back down Dame Kelly Holmes Close, hands in his pocket. Rose creeps up behind him with a cheeky grin on her face. ROSE: Cake? The Doctor turns. She's holding out a cupcake decorated with edible ball bearings. He starts to laugh, as does she. THE DOCTOR (taking it): Top banana! He takes a bite out of it whilst Rose watches, grinning from ear to ear. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Mm. I can't stress this enough. Ball bearings you can eat, masterpiece! Rose watches him for a few more seconds and then throws her arms around him, holding him tight. ROSE: Ooh, I thought I'd lost you. THE DOCTOR: Nah! Not on a night like this! This is a night for lost things being found. Come on! They walk down the road together. ROSE: What now? THE DOCTOR: I wanna go to the games! What we came for! ROSE: Go on, give us a clue, which events do we do well in? THE DOCTOR (mouth still full of cake): Well, I will tell you this: Papua New Guinea surprises everyone in the shot put. ROSE: ... Really? You're joking, aren't you? (She giggles). Doctor, are you serious or are you joking? THE DOCTOR: Wait and see! Fireworks explode overhead as the Doctor and Rose walk down the street, hand in hand. ROSE: You know what; they keep on trying to split us up, but they never ever will. The Doctor looks at her, coming to a halt. THE DOCTOR: Never say never ever. ROSE (with confidence): Nah. We'll always be okay, you and me. (No reply). Don't you reckon, Doctor? The Doctor looks skywards, reflecting for a moment, as though he senses something. THE DOCTOR: Something in the air. Something coming. ROSE: What? The Doctor and Rose look up at the sky, which is lit up with fireworks. THE DOCTOR: A storm's approaching. Rose glances at him nervously and shivers.
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who finds that Chloe is possessed by an Isolus? A: a London neighbourhood; Q: Where do the Doctor and Rose arrive in prior to the start of the 2012 Olympic Games? A: Children; Q: What is disappearing in London? A: a 12-year-old girl; Q: Who is Chloe Webber? A: Chloe Webber; Q: Who is the source of the disappearing children? A: people; Q: What can Chloe Webber cause to disappear by drawing them? A: Earth; Q: Where did the Isolus crash? A: Chloe's loneliness; Q: What does the Isolus relate to? A: the Isolus' pod; Q: What must the Doctor and Rose find to get the Isolus to leave Chloe's body? A: power; Q: What does Rose give the Isolus' pod? A: the Olympic Torch; Q: What does Rose throw the Isolus' pod into? A: the missing children; Q: What reappear after the Isolus leaves Chloe's body? A: the demon-like drawing; Q: What is the drawing of Chloe's father that comes to life? A: Chloe's mother; Q: Who calms Chloe's fears? A: The Isolus; Q: What alien life form is possessed by Chloe? Summary: The Doctor and Rose arrive in a London neighbourhood just prior to the start of the 2012 Olympic Games . Children have been disappearing and the Doctor and Rose discover the source is a 12-year-old girl named Chloe Webber, who can cause people to disappear by drawing them. The Doctor finds that she is possessed by an Isolus , an alien life form that has crashed on Earth and can relate to Chloe's loneliness. For the Isolus to leave Chloe's body, they must find the Isolus' pod and give it power; Rose finds it under just-poured tar in the street and is able to power it by throwing it into the Olympic Torch as it comes by the street, giving the pod heat and emotional strength. As the missing children reappear, the demon-like drawing of Chloe's violent and dead father comes to life, but Chloe's mother calms Chloe's fears. The Isolus peacefully leaves Chloe's body.
[Act One] [Scene One - Café Nervosa. Niles and Frasier are sitting at a table as a waiter arrives] Waiter: Hey, how're you doing, doc? The usual? Frasier: Please. Niles: I'll have my usual, too. Waiter: And that would be...? Niles: Ah! I come here every day. You must remember... my usual is... a half-caf... cappuccino... with a light dusting of... Waiter: Nutmeg. Niles: Cinnamon! [the waiter leaves] God, that's infuriating! Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: I come in here every bit as often as you do. Frasier: Don't take it to heart, Niles. This person just happened to remember me best, the next person might just as easily... [A woman notices Frasier] Woman: Oh my God, you're Frasier Crane. Could I bother you for an autograph? Frasier: No, you can't. [then:] It's never a bother. [laughs] Woman: [as he's signing] I love your show. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Woman: I just think you're like the smartest guy on the face of the earth. Frasier: Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? There you go. Woman: Thanks. [The woman leaves] Frasier: [laughs] Where was I? Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego! [Martin and Daphne enter arguing] Martin: Shut up already! You've been yakking about this all morning. Daphne: Well, it's a stupid rule and it's always we foreigners that suffer for it. Frasier: Began driving on the wrong side of the road today, did we? Daphne: No! It's about my friend, Xena... oh, you don't want to hear about it. [Behind her, Martin signals to them not to ask] Niles: Xena, isn't she the Greek one? Daphne: Yeah, we've been planning a trip together. You see, her mother's taking a luxury cruise and her ship will be docked in Mazatlan for a week, she invited us down to join her. Only I can't go because my bloody passport's expired. Niles: Still, don't give up, one way or another we'll get you across that border. If I have to, I'll snuggle you under an old blanket! Daphne: Don't you mean smuggle? Niles: I'm using code language, you can't be too careful! [The waiter brings Frasier's coffee] Waiter: There you go, Doc. Anything for you, ma'am? Daphne: Oh, thanks, I've already ordered. Waiter: [notices Niles] Oh, I'm sorry, you had the... Niles: Absent-minded waiter, I'll get it myself! [goes to counter] Daphne: Oh, Roz called. She wanted me to remind you about your meeting with the station manager. [Martin sits] Frasier: Ah, yes, that, he probably wants to discuss my one-thousandth radio broadcast that's coming up next week. Martin: You've done a thousand shows? Frasier: Yes, and if I know the station manager, he'll want to mark the occasion with some sort of gaudy celebration. Press parties and God knows what! No, I don't really kind of go in for that sort of self-congratulatory hoopla! The work is the thing for me! Daphne: But still, a thousand shows! That's quite an achievement. Frasier: Yeah, I suppose, who'd have thought? Martin: Not me, that's for damn sure. Yeah, those first two weeks. Peeuw! Open a window! Frasier: All right, dad! ONE SHOW SHORT OF SCHEHERAZADE (SAY IT THREE TIMES FAST) [Scene Two - Radio Station. Bulldog is looking through some slots in the producer's booth as Roz enters] Bulldog: Hey, morning, Roz. Roz: Morning, Bulldog. [Roz notices a white teddy bear on the console] Roz: Oh, my gosh, look what Frasier got for me. It's so cute! [reads card] "Dear Roz, a huggy bear for the mom to be. Love, Bulldog"? Bulldog: I guess I should have known you'd think it was from Frasier. Roz: I'm so sorry, Bulldog. Bulldog: No, no, it's okay. I know I'm not the warmest guy in the world, but when it comes to kids I get kinda, well, you know... Roz: Oh! Bulldog, come here. Come here. [Roz hugs Bulldog. Obviously, Bulldog is enjoying it] Bulldog: Oh, you're going to make a good mother, Roz. Roz: Thank you, Bulldog, that's sweet. [Roz tries to move away but he is attached] Roz: Bulldog? [Bulldog moves closer to her breasts as Roz pushes him away] Roz: Oh, get off me! You just wanted to hug me because my breasts are getting bigger. Bulldog: No, I was just trying to get close enough to feel a little kick. [Roz then appropriately gives him a kick and he leaves the booth as Frasier enters] Roz: Get out! Pervert! Frasier: Morning, Roz. I got you one of those little muffins that you love. [hands it over] Roz: You're not getting a hug! Frasier: Oh, I see those mood swings are leveled off nicely. I'll just run upstairs and have that little meeting with Greg in his office. Roz: Oh, wait, it's been cancelled. He wanted to talk to you about your thousandth show but I ran into him and I handled it. Frasier: All right, let me have it! What kind of public circus am I in for? I suppose a garish outdoor rally like the one they gave for Bob and Nipsy over at KPLK! Roz: I told him just what you said. That how the work is its own reward, so you're off the hook. Frasier: They're not doing anything? Roz: Nope. Frasier: [obviously let down] Well, well done, Roz. That's a relief. Although, I'm not sure I'm being fair to you. You see, I did hear that after that rally, Bob and Nipsy's ratings went up thirty percent. Their producer got a handsome raise. Roz: [at a missed chance] Oh, yeah. Frasier: And you with the little one coming... Roz: Well, it's too late now. Frasier: Right. Can't be helped. Best to just leave it alone. [pauses] Still... for the benefit of the station, what's good for KACL's good for all of us, isn't it? Roz: Yeah, that's true. Frasier: You know, well, I suppose you could just give Greg a call and tell him I'd be willing, well for your sake and the station's, to submit to a small tasteful, low-key... public rally. [Frasier glances innocently at Roz] ONE OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST EXPERTS ON HAIR PULLING [Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is sat in his chair, as Daphne talks on the phone] Daphne: I just want to renew my passport! No, I'm a resident alien here from England - you know, the country that used to own you people! Martin: [aside sarcastic:] She'll go right to the head of the line now! Daphne: I can't wait two weeks! My friend Xena's flying down to meet her mum's ship, Sunday. [pause] Don't you put me on hold again! I'll hang up, I mean it! [pause and then she hangs up] I showed him! [Frasier enters] Frasier: [acting as though he can't stand the attention but obviously in love with it] Well, it's official. My thousandth show is now an event! Martin: What's going on? Frasier: Oh, well, nothing short of a media circus with you-know-who in the centre ring. They're planning a promotional blitzkrieg capped off by a public rally in my honour at the foot of the Space Needle! Martin: Wow! That's great! You're going to be thrilled. Frasier: Well, of course I'm flattered, I'm just a little bit embarrassed, dad. I'd have been content with a pat on the back and an ice cream cake. Oh, dad, they've asked if you might say a few words at the rally. You don't have to, if it makes you nervous. Martin: Oh, no problem! Yeah, I can't tell you how many retirement dinners I've spoken at. I can just dig out my old joke book; "One Thousand And One Side-Splitters, Rib-Ticklers and Thigh-Slappers". Frasier: I'm sure you're a veritable chiropractor at mirth but [phone rings] I think what they're looking for is something just a bit more personal. [Frasier answers the phone] Frasier: Hello. [pause] All right, Roz. Roz, slow down. [pause] Oh, good Lord, the mayor! Well, has "Frasier" fever swept all the way to city hall?! Well, all right, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow. [hangs up] Daphne: The mayor's going to be there? Frasier: Yes! And not just be there, he's going to present me with a key to the city, after which he's going to proclaim it "Frasier Crane Day" in Seattle! Martin: Way to go, kid! [The doorbell sounds] Frasier: Who can this be? The mechanic from the Vatican with my Pope- mobile?! [Frasier opens door to Niles. He has a broad smile and a magazine] Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier, dinner's on me. I got some very good news today. Daphne: What a coincidence! Your brother just got some good news too! Niles: Not so good as mine, I suspect. But first of all, I have to apologise for being so snippy this morning. I've been feeling a bit eclipsed lately, but all that vanished when I reached my office, and what was waiting on my desk, but a gift from the self-esteem ferry? [holds magazine up] Frasier: "The American Journal of Psychiatry"? Niles: Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm. I refer you to the letters page, third one down. Frasier: [reading] "Dear Sirs, Dr. Egmond Sandeling's recent article on Trichotilimania contains several errors. He would do well to read the groundbreaking work on the subject published by, among others, Dr. Alan Corville, Dr. Milo Lordestein... Niles: Skip to the end. Frasier: [read] ...Oh, Dr. Geraldine Fenley and Dr. Niles Crane! Niles: Not too shabby, eh? Frasier: And quite an accolade. Daphne: Yeah, I had no idea you were such a well-known expert on... on the thing that the letter mentioned. Martin: And the way they saved you for last so you really stand out. Niles: Nothing to kick away the clouds like a heavy sip from the goblet of fame! Which reminds me, I told Jean-Claude to start my victory Martini shaking at precisely eight o' clock. Frasier: Off we go, then! Niles: Oh, wait, you had some news yourself. Do tell. Frasier: Oh, well, let's just wait for that Martini, shall we? [Niles and Frasier exit as Frasier gives Martin and Daphne a look of sorrow for Niles] IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR [Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier is at the counter as Niles arrives] Niles: Happy Frasier Crane Day. Or is it Merry Frasier Crane Day, I can never remember. Frasier: Very amusing. Niles: [to waiter] I'll have a half-caf cappucino. [to Frasier] Sorry I'm late, I stopped half way to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carolers! I tried to join in on "The Twelve Days Of Frasier" but, er, forgot the words around day seven. How does it go again? Frasier: I believe it's "seven snobs a' sniping." Well, you just snipe away. I take your jealousy as the compliment that it is. Niles: Oh, now, if I indulge in a little affectionate joshing, doesn't mean I'm jealous. I'm nothing but happy for you. Frasier: Oh, thank you, Niles. You know, I'm just a touch skittish today. All this fuss over me. [to waiter] Say, is it possible to get these two to go? [waiter complies] Niles: To go? We're not due at the Space Needle for an hour. Frasier: Yes, well, I thought a walk might do us some good, get a little exercise, then maybe I can stroll away my jitters. Niles: Oh, all right, I could use the fresh air, I'm feeling a tad sluggish. [they take their coffees] Frasier: Oh, up late last night? Niles: Oh, I'm afraid so, as usual I left it till the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards! [Niles and Frasier exit the café] [End of Act One] [Act Two] [Scene One - On Location in Seattle. Frasier and Niles are walking down the street with their coffees] Frasier: What a lovely day! I'm so glad we decided to walk. I feel calmer already. Man: [passing by] Hey, Doc'! Way to go! Frasier: Oh, [waves] I'm listening. [Niles shakes his head annoyed] I just hope Dad doesn't get too nervous about his speech today. I've been giving him little tips all week. Niles: Oh, really? As Daphne tells it, you wrote the whole thing for him. Frasier: I did no such thing! I added a bon mot or two, tidied up the language, removed any questionable material. Niles: There's not a word of his left, is there? Frasier: Not a comma! [waves to others] I'm listening! Niles: Here's a tip for you. The ones with cameras are tourists. They have no idea who you are, much less why you're listening. Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't be so churlish. The man clearly waved to me first. Niles: He didn't wave at you! Frasier: Yes he did! Niles: He was probably waving... Frasier: I don't know why you're even objecting... Niles: He was waving for a cab to get away from the scary listening man! [Frasier and Niles carry on arguing as they walk down the street] [Scene Two - Location in Seattle. Farmer's Market. Niles and Frasier are now walking through the market with their coffee.] Frasier: Oh, I love this place. Here you can feel the pulse of the city. You know what I think when I see all these people here rustling about. Niles: Low turnout over at Frasier Crane Day? Frasier: No! I think that they're the reason I love this city. [Frasier waves to people] Niles: Stop waving! Frasier: Why, there's nothing wrong with being friendly. Niles: Well, there is a difference between being friendly and making a public spectacle of yourself. [Then they pass the famous fish store, where they throw the fish out to the customer. A fish nearly hits Niles, he jumps back with a yelp and drops his coffee all over Frasier's shoes] Niles: Frasier, did you see that man tried to assault me with a fish! Frasier: Good Lord, Niles, get a grip. God's sakes, you become hysterical over the littlest things. Oh, my God! My suede shoes, you've spilled Latte all over them, they're ruined. Niles: I'm sorry... and it was a half-caf cappuccino, why can no- one remember that! [Scene Three - Location in Seattle. Niles and Frasier are still walking the streets] Frasier: Well, I'll just have to replace them, I'll look foolish otherwise. Niles: Never in my life have I heard such caterwauling over a pair of shoes. Frasier: I'll have you know, I spent a bundle on these shoes. They're "Joan and Davids." Niles: You named them? Frasier: Shut up! [Scene Four - Location in Seattle. Niles and Frasier are exiting from a shoe shop named "Lloyd & Keenan" (A sneaky reference to the episode's authors)] Frasier: Well, these are quite handsome. Even though they are just a bit snug. Niles: We could always go back. I think there's a pair in there you didn't try on! Frasier: We weren't in there that long! [looks at watch] My God, the rally's about to start. Give me your phone, I'll call Roz. [Niles hands over the phone] Niles: There you go. Frasier: Thank you. [Frasier dials] [Scene Five - Space Needle. A huge crowd is gathered at the foot of the needle. Roz is backstage and she answers the phone] Roz: Hello? Frasier, do you know what time it is? Where the hell are you? We're on the air in two minutes! [Scene Six - Location in Seattle] Frasier: [in phone:] I'm sorry, I was involved in a small accident. I'm fine! Just start without me, we'll take a cab! [hangs up] Niles: We'll have better luck at the corner. Frasier: Right. [they start to go] Niles, wait. Too many fans that way, I'll be mobbed. We'll cut over one block through that alley! [They head off] [Scene Seven - Space Needle. Bulldog, Martin, Eddie and Daphne are sat on the front row as Roz approaches them] Roz: Frasier's running late so I've got to use you first, okay, Martin? Martin: Oh, oh, yeah, sure, okay. [Roz leaves] Jeez, I was hoping for a little more time! I haven't even looked at this stuff Frasier wrote for me. Roz: [on podium] Good afternoon, everyone and welcome also to our radio listeners. I'm Roz Doyle and I'd like to thank you all for helping us congratulate Dr. Frasier Crane. [They all applaud] Roz: We've got the full program for you today and.... [Meanwhile, Martin and Daphne chat] Daphne: Stop worrying. Dr. Crane's a very good writer. Martin: Well, look at this, I'm gonna die out there with this crap. Roz: [to all:] Unfortunately, our guest of honour has been detained but we do have the next best thing - his dad, Martin Crane. [Martin goes up onto the podeum] Martin: Good afternoon. [obvious reading:] Twenty-three years ago, my son, Frasier, came to me and asked if I would put him through medical school. I agreed to pay for it but remarked "I should have my head examined." Frasier replied, "Give me eight years and I'll do it for you!" [This joke fails to get a laugh as Bulldog and Daphne look on in sympathy] Martin: It was a hard eight years for Frasier but as someone once quipped, a good psychiatrist never shrinks from a challenge! [Everybody moans at this pun, including little Eddie] Martin: Oh, Jeez! [Scene Eight - Location in Seattle. A back alley. Frasier is stood dusting himself off] Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles, will you come outta there?! Niles: Our mugger specifically instructed us to wait for five minutes! Frasier: If he wanted us to time it exactly, he wouldn't have taken our watches! Niles: [comes out dusting himself] All right, all right, calm down. I see you're new to this whole mugging thing. Frasier: I just can't believe I'm missing my own rally. Come on! These shoes are killing me, they're like the work of a skilled Chinese foot binder! [Frasier and Niles are walking as they pass a man playing a saxophone, he is evidently blind and people are throwing money into his case] Frasier: Niles, give me your phone, I'll have Roz send us a car! Niles: My phone?! What do you think the mugger was reaching into my breast pocket for? Well, the consolation is that he jabbed himself on my emergency sewing kit. Frasier: [notices pay phone] Niles, a pay phone! Niles: It's not much use to us unless we can find a quarter. [They notice someone throwing money into the artist's case. They give a knowing glance] Frasier: Niles, look. Niles: You cannot be serious, you want to rob that poor old man? Frasier: Don't take it that serious! Niles: Frasier, he's blind. Frasier: I know! It's the first break we've had today. Niles, I'll distract him. [Frasier goes to him as Niles slowly lifts a quarter] Frasier: Good afternoon. [laughs] So, sounding lovely. Girl: Stop, thief! Frasier: Dear God, run! [Niles and Frasier run away followed by a mob of ten year-old girls] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene Nine - Space Needle. Bulldog is giving his speech] Bulldog: I'd like to thank Frasier Crane for his friendship. [Meanwhile, Daphne is talking to the mayor of Seattle] Daphne: Excuse me, Mayor Rice? Mayor: Yes. Daphne: I have a small bone to pick with you. I can't say I care for the way your city treats us poor aliens. Mayor: [confused] Er, you're an alien? Daphne: Yes, Daphne Moon. You see, my friend, Xena, and I, she's an alien too, we're trying to get down to Mazatlan to rendezvous with her mother's ship... Mayor: [thinking she's mad] Her mothership? Daphne: And from what I hear, it's quite spectacular. Mayor: [patronising] I'm sure it is. Why don't you go with these two gentlemen? I'm sure they could take care of you. Daphne: Well, thank you very much. [Two men escort her off the stage] Daphne: Hello. Man: Hi. Daphne: Do you two work for the mayor? Man: Yes. Daphne: Well, I suppose I should know that already - you see, I'm a bit psychic. [Scene Ten - Location in Seattle. Frasier and Niles are still walking. Frasier is complaining about his shoes killing him] Frasier: I can't go on any longer. My feet are killing me. Niles: [looks behind him] We lost... most of them dropped out after the first quarter. But that short one with the pigtails was a regular gazelle. Frasier: Yes. [looks at Space Needle] Look! It's even farther away than it was before. Niles: [notices monorail] The monorail! It goes to the Space Needle. Frasier: Let's go! [Scene Eleven - Seattle Monorail. Frasier and Niles sit down] Niles: Do you think anyone saw us sneaking on? Frasier: No, I think we're all right. Niles: I hate to say it but it was sort of exciting flaunting the law like that. It gives you some idea as to why outlaws have also been such romantic figures. Frasier: Yes, perhaps you might have cut a more dashing figure had you vaulted over the turnstile rather than crawling underneath it! Niles: I'm surprised the trains are even running on Frasier Crane Day! Frasier: Yes, well, with any luck we'll still catch the last twenty minutes of the rally. But how I'll explain my lateness, I have no idea. I certainly can't tell them about the fish, the little girls. I'll have to make something up I suppose, any suggestions? Niles: The train stopped. Frasier: That's not very original. Niles: No, Frasier, the train's stopped. [It seems the train has come to a halt outside the Space Needle] Frasier: Good Lord. [to conductor] Excuse me, what's happening? Conductor: There's an electrical problem ahead, we're going back to West Lake. Frasier: What? But those people are waiting for me, they're so close. Conductor: I guess it just isn't your day. Frasier: But it is my day! [Niles consoles him] Niles: Don't panic. Frasier: [gets louder] Don't panic? Yes, why should I have any reason to panic? My God, I'm only going to miss a celebration in my honour, I'm going to be a laughingstock forever. And why? Because you spilt coffee on my shoes! Niles: You're blaming me? Frasier: Well, if you had the gripping abilities every species above the tree sloth was born with... Niles: You think of those forty-five minutes you and your ego spent in that shoe store, trying on every pair of shoes - including the ones the manager was wearing! Frasier: Are you calling me vain? Niles: If the "Joan & David" fits... [They carry on arguing until they notice everyone is looking at them] Frasier: I don't even know why I'm yelling at you. I guess I'm just trying to blame you because I don't want to face the truth. I'm a big, fat phony. I wanted my day! I wanted hoopla and fuss, I practically planned the whole thing myself. Niles: You did? Frasier: Yes. It says a lot about me as a psychiatrist, doesn't it? I'm a small man! Niles: Oh, what does it say about me that I was happy seeing you miss your day? Frasier: You were? Niles: Of course. I've been jealous of you all week. I'm a tiny man. Frasier: Next to me you're a giant! Niles: I stare up at your ankles! Frasier: I'd need a stepladder just to... Niles: Oh, let's not do this. You shouldn't feel guilty, Frasier. Everyone deserves a fuss. You above all. You've helped a lot of people, they deserve a chance to thank you for it. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. [Frasier watches out of the window as we hear Roz] Roz: Dr. Crane is on his way, he should be here any minute. [The train begins to move back] Frasier: There it goes. Good bye, fuss. Good bye, day! [The train leaves the area] [Scene Twelve - Location in Seattle. West Lake Monorail Station. Niles and Frasier enter the streets] Niles: I hesitate to say this, but you still have time. Frasier: Stop it! Don't you dare get my hopes up! The ship has sailed, that fat lady has... [A taxi passes and they started shouting like hell to no success] Frasier: Oh, damn! I give up. Niles: Well, I don't. This is your day and if I can get you there for a curtain call, I will. I still have the blind man's quarter. Stay here, I'm going to call a cab. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. Good, run. [Niles runs inside as a limousine pulls up] Driver: Hey, did I hear you yelling for a cab? Frasier: Yes. Driver: I can take you if you want. Frasier: Are you serious? Niles! Niles, let's go! [Frasier decides the wait would be futile and gets into the taxi] [Scene Twelve - Taxi. Frasier sits on the backseat] Driver: What about your friend? Frasier: Oh, he'll be all right. He's got street smarts! Driver: Where are we going? Frasier: The Space Needle, please. Driver: No problem, I'll have you there in five minutes. Frasier: That's the first good news I've had all day. Driver: I've had a bit of a rough day myself. Frasier: Oh? Driver: Yeah, my ex-wife is getting remarried in Pennsylvania. Are you going to that rally over there? Frasier: Er, as a matter of fact, I am. Driver: I told her I'd come to the wedding, but now I've got cold feet. Better make up my mind soon, the plane leaves in a few hours. They don't give you any bargains on those last minute tickets, either. Frasier: Maybe this isn't the best time to tell you this, but I'll have to owe you for this ride. Driver: Don't worry about it. We probably never should have gotten married in the first place. We were dumb. Had a few good years, though. Frasier: Oh, that's something at least. Driver: At least the kids are going to be there tomorrow. Frasier: Kids? Driver: Son and a daughter. I don't see them much. They went with their mom after we divorced. Of course, I think I'm more excited about seeing them than they are about seeing me. Frasier: Why would you say that? Driver: Just a feeling. I didn't make much of my life back when Marie and I were together. I turned it around, though. I own this car. Frasier: Well, it's a nice one. Driver: The hardest part is, if I do go, I have to see my in-laws. They never were too crazy about me. This new guy Marie's marrying, he's supposed to be some kinda big success. I don't know what to say to any of them. Part of me thinks I'd just be best leaving the whole thing alone. Frasier: And part of you doesn't? Driver: I'd like to see my kids. Especially now they're getting a new dad. What a choice, eh? Frasier: Well, you know, sometimes difficult choices like these can be good things. They can teach us about who we are. [They pull up next to the Space Needle] Driver: I bet you hear enough about this. Besides, we're here. Frasier: Oh, don't worry about me, I've got plenty of time. Tell me more about your kids. Driver: I'm John, by the way. [extends his hand] Frasier: [takes it] I'm Frasier. [The camera pulls up from the car as we here "The Saints Go Marching In" and we see a banner on the Space Needle reading "Frasier"] [End of Act Two] [SCENE_BREAK] [We see a clip from the real "Frasier" day rally in Seattle on September 11th, 1997. It features Kelsey Grammer singing "Tossed Salads And Scrambled Eggs" in a unique style in an auditorium. He finishes, "Good night, Seattle, we love you!" (of course)]
Plan: A: Frasier's one thousandth radio broadcast; Q: What is soon to take place? A: Frasier; Q: Who decides not to go to the rally? A: his false modesty; Q: What does Frasier cannot sustain? A: a celebration; Q: What does Frasier want to mark his one thousandth radio broadcast? A: the occasion; Q: What does Frasier want a celebration to mark? A: Frasier Crane Day; Q: What is the name of the day that is proclaimed in Seattle to celebrate Frasier's broadcast? A: a large public rally; Q: What is organized for the broadcast? A: the broadcast; Q: What does Roz have to start without Frasier? A: the Space Needle; Q: Where is the rally for Frasier Crane Day? A: attendance; Q: What does the mayor of Seattle do at the rally? A: plenty; Q: How much time does Frasier and Niles leave in for the rally? A: his progress; Q: What does a series of disastrous events impede? A: a chauffeur; Q: Who escorted Frasier to the rally? A: John; Q: Who is the chauffeur that Frasier befriends? A: his familial situation; Q: What does John confide in Frasier about? Summary: Frasier's one thousandth radio broadcast is soon to take place. He initially claims that he does not want a large celebration, but cannot sustain his false modesty and seeks a celebration to mark the occasion. Frasier Crane Day is then proclaimed in Seattle , and a large public rally is organized for the broadcast, to take place at the Space Needle with the mayor in attendance. On the day, Frasier decides to take a leisurely stroll with Niles over to the rally. They leave in plenty of time but a series of disastrous events impedes his progress, and Roz is compelled to start the broadcast without him. Frasier finally manages to arrive at his rally thanks to a chauffeur who escorted him for free. In exchange, Frasier decides not to go to the rally and instead befriends the chauffeur, John, by listening to him confide about his familial situation for free.
(Sirens wail. Sydney, wearing a wig and sunglasses, drives an old Buick while about five othe cop cars chase behind her. She swerves and makes a turn. Cops are on her tail. She comes to a stop on a pier. The cops stop behind her, jump out of their cars and point their guns at her. She sits in the car and takes her sunglasses off. She looks at the water in front of her. A bird flies by. A boat is docked in the distance. She suddenly floors it, and the car lurches ahead, its tires screeching. The car goes through the railing at the pier and flies in the air until it hits the surface of the water with a mightly splash.) (In a room somewhere, Sydney sits in a chair, handcuffed to the armrest. A door opens and an agent walks in with a styrofoam cup. He sets it down in front of Sydney.) AGENT: It's vanilla. Milkshake. SYDNEY: Will you do me a favor? Will you remind them that I cooperated, that I didn't resist? I don't need these restraints. AGENT: I'll tell them. (He leaves. Sydney leans forward and sips from the milkshake's straw.) (In the CIA building, Vaughn follows Haladki and they stop near Weiss.) VAUGHN: DSR met with the FBI. I want to know what they told them. HALADKI: The DSR didn't tell me anything. VAUGHN: Which makes no sense. You're interagency liason. HALADKI: Interagency liason doesn't exactly put me smack dab in the inner circle! VAUGHN: All right. Look, you and I don't work well together historically. We've got this juvenile animosity thing going on. That's got to change. Let's just start over. (They shake hands.) HALADKI: Hi! How are you? (beat) I don't know what they're planning to do to Bristow! If I were you, I'd let it go. (Vaughn forcefully grabs his hand a bit and roughly lets it go. Haladki leaves.) WEISS: This buddy of mine at Princeton, she actually knows Haladki and says she used to see him all the time eating lunch at the Webster Rotunda. Apparently, the guy's got the table manners of a six month old. VAUGHN: I'm going to ask you a question. I need you to be honest. WEISS: Sure. VAUGHN: Do you believe this thing? This prophecy? (Weiss hesitates.) VAUGHN: You do, don't you? WEISS: No, no, it's ridiculous. VAUGHN: It's ridiculous, but that picture looks just like her. WEISS: Come on. Sydney Bristow's going to take down the world? VAUGHN: I know, but the DNA sequencing, the heart size. I mean, they both match with what Rambaldi wrote. Either this thing is completely insane... or it isn't. WEISS: Okay, what happened? The FBI's involved? VAUGHN: Yeah. There's an FBI tribunal flying in from DC. They're going to question her and decide what the next move is. (The three-person tribunal walks in the room. Sydney sits up.) KENDALL: Ms. Bristow, I'm special officer Kendall, FBI. Ms. Baker, Mr. Dunn. You're being held under national security directive 81A. Per the directive, we can legally file formal charges against you based on current evidence. We would appreciate your cooperation in answering a series of questions. If you choose legal counsel, then this meeting is canceled and we'll determine the charges based on current evidence. It's your decision. SYDNEY: I have nothing to hide. (Kendall nods slightly and opens a folder.) KENDALL: Please state your name and occupation. SYDNEY: Sydney Bristow. I'm an intelligence officer for the United States government. KENDALL: Under which agency? SYDNEY: CIA. KENDALL: How did you come to work with the CIA? SYDNEY: Don't you already have a file on me? KENDALL: We would like this in your words. SYDNEY: I came to work with the CIA through my involvement with SD-6. KENDALL: And how did you get involved with SD-6? SYDNEY: I was a student, a freshman at college. (Pilot: Sydney sits at a table outside and a man comes up to her, gives her a card.) SYDNEY: (voice over) One day, a man came to me. He said that he worked with US intelligence and that they wanted to interview me. (Present.) KENDALL: And you agreed? SYDNEY: No. No, not at first. (Pilot: Sydney sits in a library. She takes out the card and looks at it.) SYDNEY: (voice over) It was actually the last thing that I was interested in, working for the US government. Despite that, I found myself wondering if I could actually become a spy. (Present.) KENDALL: And you believed that you could? SYDNEY: Sort of. Which is crazy. I didn't even realize what being a spy meant. (Pilot: Sydney's at a phone booth, calling SD-6 for the first time.) SYDNEY: (voice over) The truth is, I didn't love any of the subjects I was studying. My father and I weren't speaking, my mother had died when I was six and the highlight of my social life was my dorm's salad bar. So, I called them. (Present.) KENDALL: SD-6. SYDNEY: They didn't use that name. These men led me to believe they were CIA. They were very convincing. They are very convincing. KENDALL: So, you met with an organization you believed was the CIA. SYDNEY: Yes. (Pilot: Sydney signs a bunch of sheets.) SYDNEY: (voice over) They had me sign about five hundred non-disclosure agreements and they offered me a job. (Present.) KENDALL: Just like that. SYDNEY: They had me take a job as an office assistant on the twentieth floor of a corporate bank downtown. (Sydney, with long hair, walks in the office and puts a piece of paper on a desk. She walks down a hall.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I just assumed that the bank was somehow affiliated with the CIA. (A man stops her in the hallway.) SYDNEY: (voice over) They told me I was ready for the transition. (Present.) KENDALL: Transition? SYDNEY: Eight months of training, tests, and propganda. (Pilot: Sydney fires a gun at a shooting range and kicks someone in a practice fight.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Before that, I had never fired a gun. I had never thrown a punch. (Present.) SYDNEY: It was during the training that I first heard the term SD-6. KENDALL: And at this time, you believed that SD-6 was affiliated with the CIA? SYDNEY: Yes, that's right. That it was a black ops division of the CIA. KENDALL: Meaning... SYDNEY: You mean what is black ops? A division that is funded by the CIA's black budget. Operations that are highly classified, even hidden from congressional oversight. They led me to believe that SD-6 was one of these divisions and that that was why they didn't operate through Langley. KENDALL: And you never questioned that logic? SYDNEY: As I said before, Mr. Kendall, they were very convincing. Now, I might not have been a genius at nineteen years old, but I was smart enough to know what qustions to ask. They had all the right answers. KENDALL: Says here you were a genius. And how did the transition end? (Sydney and another agent approach the elevator and she goes inside, looking around nervously.) SYDNEY: (voice over) They made reference to SD-6 headquarters. They told me they'd take me there. What I didn't realize is that gettting there would only require a ride in the elevator. The office of SD-6 is located on sublevel six of the Credit Dauphine building. (The doors open and Sydney winces as she sees the entire white room in front of her. She gets off the elevator with the agent and walks in. The room flashes red. She looks around. The doors open and she walks inside.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I walked through there surrounded by strangers who thought they were working for the good of the country. I felt wildly patriotic. (The agent who brought her up in the elevator is walking her to Sloane's office. Sydney bumps into Dixon, who smiles apologetically and keeps walking.) (Present.) SYDNEY: And then I met Arvin Sloane. (Continuing from the above flashbacks, Sydney enters his office and sees a clean-shaven Sloane. He smiles and greets her.) SLOANE: So you're Sydney Bristow. SYDNEY: Yes, sir. SLOANE: Nice to meet you. I'm Arvin Sloane. Welcome to SD-6. (Present.) SYDNEY: What happens if I need to go to the bathroom? KENDALL: I think we can arrange that. (Jack drives up and climbs out of his car. Vaughn's there.) VAUGHN: Anything? JACK: My FBI contacts don't have access to Sydney's case. It's been classified omega seventeen. What about Devlin? VAUGHN: They're not giving him clearance either. All we know is Sydney's being held locally, being questioned by the FBI but we've got to find out where she is. JACK: Where she is is irrelevant. It's how long she's in custody that concerns me. Sloane wants a meeting with Sydney Tuesday morning. VAUGHN: Well, maybe the FBI won't put as much credence in Rambaldi's prophecy as DSR. JACK: That's a miscalculation. In the current climate, the FBI's being wildly vigilant. If another government agency red-flags someone as a potential security thret, the FBI won't be so quick to let them go. VAUGHN: You're saying that Sydney could be held long enough to blow her cover with SD-6? JACK: Under directive 81A, they could conceivably hold her without trial or charges for the rest of her life. (Tribunal.) KENDALL: Describe your role within SD-6. SYDNEY: Desk work, at first. But I advanced quickly. Within the first year, I was being sent out on reconnaissance missions. KENDALL: The whole time believing that you were working for the CIA? SYDNEY: Mr. Kendall, with the exception of half a dozen high-level officers, the entire office believes they work for the CIA. KENDALL: And you remained in school during all of this? Why? Did SD-6 want you to? SYDNEY: No. No. Actually, they didn't wnat me to. It was something I wanted to do. Become a teacher. I didn't wnt to give that up. KENDALL: Who is Daniel Hecht? (Pause.) SYDNEY: Danny was my fiancé. KENDALL: Could you tell us what happened to him, please? DANNY: (voice over) Build me up, buttercup baby! Then you bring me down! And mess me around... (Pilot: Sydney laughs and Danny is on one knee, with a ring box open. He's singing loudly to her.) SYDNEY: (voice over) We had been together for two years when Danny proposed. I had never told anyone about my involvement with SD-6. (Present.) SYDNEY: But I knew that if I was going to marry Danny, he had to know the truth. So I told him that I was a spy. (Pilot: Sydney walks in the bathroom and finds Danny dead in the bathtub. She cries out.) SYDNEY: (voice over) While I was in Taepei on an operation, SD-6 had him killed. (Present.) KENDALL: So SD-6 murdered your fiancé. SYDNEY: Yes. They did. KENDALL: And that didn't seem extreme to you? SYDNEY: I don't understand your question. KENDALL: We're just trying to determine how a girl as brilliant as yourself could believe that an agency that could order the assassination of an innocent civilian could actually be affiliated with the US government. SYDNEY: You're suggesting that I knew what SD-6 really was all along. KENDALL: You claim to have learned the truth about SD-6 when? SYDNEY: Wait a minute! It wasn't a claim! It was the truth! (pause) After Danny, I refused to return to SD-6 which they saw as a betrayal. That's when they came after me. (Pilot: Sydney is in her truck when she sees two agents in a car down point the laser and shoot at her.) (Present.) SYDNEY: It was that night that I learned that my father, who I ws never close to, was also an officer with SD-6. (Pilot: Sydney kicks an agent, elbows him, kicks him. He has her arm twisted by and she flings the antennae off a car in his face. She kicks him in the head.) SYDNEY: Augh! (And hears a car approaching. She grabs for the agent's fallen gun and stands up. She points the gun at her dad.) JACK: Get in! SYDNEY: Daddy? (Present.) SYDNEY: And I learned who I was really working for. (Pilot: Jack and Sydney sit in his car.) JACK: About a decade ago, a pool of agents went free-lance. SYDNEY: The Alliance of Twelve. JACK: What do you know about them? SYDNEY: They're an enemy of the United States. They're mercenaries. They're dangerous. JACK: I'm one of them. SD-6 is not a black ops division of the C.I.A. SD-6 is a branch of the alliance. You work for the very enemy you thought you were fighting. SYDNEY: That's impossible... SYDNEY: (voice over) That was the first time I heard the truth about SD-6. (Present.) SYDNEY: The first time. (CIA. Vaughn dictates to his assistant.) VAUGHN: Make sure Susan gets Donaldson's briefing on homeland security. And you know what? Call Josh, tell him I'm going to have to cancel lunch. (Vaughn stops, and remembers something. He walks up to Weiss.) VAUGHN: Hey, what did you say before about Haladki? WEISS: I don't think he showers? VAUGHN: No, that thing about your friend. WEISS: She used to see him at lunch. VAUGHN: At the Webster Rotunda. That's what you said. WEISS: Yeah. VAUGHN: You're sure the Webster Rotunda at the Adams federal building? WEISS: Yeah, that's what I said. Why? VAUGHN: You're not allowed in the Rotunda unless you're a ranking FBI officer. WEISS: No way. (Bathroom. Vaughn bursts in as Haladki dries his hands.) HALADKI: Hey, you know what? Excuse me! VAUGHN: You were FBI before you joined the agency. You were with the bureau. HALADKI: My history with the FBI is right on my resumé. I'll give you a copy! VAUGHN: You know what FBI protocal is and you know where Sydney's being held and what they're planning on doing with her. HALADKI: You have lost your mind, you know that? VAUGHN: Oh, I've lost my mind? You're the one on a witch hunt! HALADKI: Look, we decoded forty-seven distinct and verifiable Rambaldi predictions. The guy hasn't been wrong once! VAUGHN: Where is she? HALADKI: What if he's not wrong about this one either? What if Sydney Bristow is a threat? What if Rambaldi got it right? (Tribunal.) KENDALL: What did they tell you was the objective of SD-6? SYDNEY: "The retrieval and study of intelligence, both military and industrial, throughout the world that is critical to the superiority and survival of the United States of America." It's the company line. KENDALL: What does "SD" stand for? SYDNEY: Section Disparu - the section that doesn't exist. Alain Christophe, one of the Alliance founders. The term was his. KENDALL: Explain to us about the Alliance of Twelve? SYDNEY: The Alliance is like a board of directors. (The Prophecy: Sloane walks into the Alliance meeting.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Some are from the private sector, but most are former intelligence officers. All wealthy. They started a company together, except this company - the Alliance - trades intelligence. (Present.) KENDALL: So you're saying they're after... SYDNEY: Weapons, military secrets, industrial intel, medical tech, computer advances, political agendas. I mean, anything the other guy wants. KENDALL: The other guy being... SYDNEY: Governments, corporations, wealthy citizens, families. It's all black market. It's organized crime. KENDALL: Could you give me an example? (When Sydney describes these events, news footage is shown.) SYDNEY: Do you remember the carbon proxy disaster in '92? An accidental methyl isocyanate leak at the manufacturer plant in Bangalore, India. Killed three thousand people. Another thousand disabled. In 1996, near Kyotoa, Japan. Bullet train accidentally switched tracks and derailed. A hundred and fifty people were killed. Last year in Germany a transport plane suffered mecahnical failures outside Munich. Twelve lives were lost. None of them were accidents. Some were acts of revenge, others were personal favors to those who helped fund the Alliance. Some where distractions so that local resources were occupied so that SD-4 or SD-7 could infiltrate a building somewhere and retrieve sensitive data. KENDALL: Go on. SYDNEY: After what they did to Danny, what they tried to do to me, I swore I'd destroy them. (Pilot: Sydney, with pink hair, walks in Sloane's office and puts down the Mueller device on his desk.) SYDNEY: (voice over) But first I had to win back their confidence, so I stole something that I knew Arvin Sloane wanted. A device based on the designs of Milo Rambaldi. SYDNEY: I'm back. (Pilot: Sydney walks across the CIA emblem on the floor of the building with the secretary.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Then I went to the people that I thought I'd been working for all along. That's where I met my handler, Michael Vaughn. (So It Begins: Vaughn shows Sydney the large map of SD-6 and how far their connections reach.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I thought the job would be over by Christmas. It was Vaughn who made it clear to me what I was really up against. So that's how I became a double agent. (Present.) KENDALL: And a few days later, your father came to see you. (Pilot: Jack goes to see Sydney at Danny's grave.) KENDALL: (voice over) And revealed to you that he was a double agent working for the CIA. That his job at SD-6 was cover, too. SYDNEY: (voice over) Yes. That's right. (Present.) KENDALL: Father and daughter, double agents. SYDNEY: Yes. KENDALL: Now, see, this is what doesn't make sense. Why would he recruit his daughter to that environment? SYDNEY: He wouldn't. He didn't. (Spirit: Sloane smiles and outstretches his arms to Sydney. She looks at him.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Arvin Sloane was a friend of my parents years before they were married. It was Sloane's idea to bring me in. (Present.) SYDNEY: He didn't tell my father until after I was active. KENDALL: And why did Sloane go after you. SYDNEY: I don't know. KENDALL: And you're sure that Sloane brought you into SD-6 and not your father? SYDNEY: Why do you ask? KENDALL: As far as you've seen, your father's allegiance has always been with the CIA? SYDNEY: Now, listen to me. I have been very patient with you. I've even put up with your implications that I'm not to be trusted! KENDALL: Ms. Bristow- SYDNEY: But I will not accept you insulting my father! That is unacceptable! KENDALL: It was just a question. SYDNEY: No! It was an accusation! Not to mention the fact that you are questioning my honor, my loyalty, based on a prophecy written in a book that you wouldn't even have if it weren't for me! KENDALL: I think we should take a break. SYDNEY: No! Wait! I want to finish this! I want to get out of here! I want to go home! No, SIT DOWN! Listen to me, I want to go HOME! KENDALL: We'll take five. SYDNEY: I just-wait a minute! (Vaughn's office. Weiss plays with a yo-yo beside the desk, doing various tricks. Vaughn is reading the prophecy, looking distressed.) WEISS Okay, here we go. Look at this. Rocking the cradle, yes. VAUGHN: "Unless prevented at vulgar cost this woman will render the greatest power unto utter desolation..." WEISS: Come on, you know what? You got to stop reading that. Seriously. You're making yourself crazy. VAUGHN: "Vulgar cost." What's vulgar cost? WEISS: Michael, I'm telling you. I don't know. VAUGHN: "This woman, without pretense, will have had her effect, never having seen the beauty of my sky behind Mt. Sebacio. Perhaps a single glance would have quelled her fire." WEISS: Shh, shh, shh. Yo-yo sleeping. VAUGHN: "Never having seen the beauty of my sky behind Mt. Sebacio." I think that's where Rambaldi was born... (starts looking) WEISS: I got an idea. Why don't we all go to Mt. Sebacio, huh? All right, here we go. Around the world. (He does the yo-yo trick. Vaughn stops and stares straight ahead.) WEISS: What? What just happened? (Vaughn gets up.) (Jack walks in their meeting place.) VAUGHN: Thanks for coming. JACK: I checked out SD-6 security section. They have nothing on Sydney. VAUGHN: Well, look at this. There. (He points at the type-written prophecy, one of the paragraphs.) VAUGHN: "This woman will have had her effect never having seen the beauty of Mt. Sebacio." Now, if the FBI is going to take this prophecy so literally, then every phrase must have equal veracity. JACK: That's right. VAUGHN: According to Rambaldi, the woman in question, the subject of this prophecy, will have never seen Mt. Sebacio. Meaning if Sydney were to go there and see it herself-- JACK: She couldn't possibly be the woman Rambaldi was talking about. VAUGHN: That makes sense, doesn't it? I thought that made sense. JACK: It's good. It's good. VAUGHN: I talked to Devlin about this. He put three calls into the FBI directive. He was stonewalled. JACK: The FBI is not in the most cooperative mood. We'll have to extract her. Get her to Italy ourselves. VAUGHN: I know Devlin would sanction transit. I mean, we could have a jet ready in an hour. JACK: Question is how to find her. VAUGHN: Steven Haladki, he's CIA. He works in the LA office. Former FBI. I know he still has ties. JACK: Haladki. I'll talk to him. VAUGHN: Oh, no, the problem is... he's not talking. JACK: He'll talk to me. (Tribunal.) KENDALL: When we left off, we were chatting about your father. What can you tell me about your mother? SYDNEY: For most of my life, I thought that she was a literature professor at UCLA. I thought that she was a loving mother and an adoring wife. Apparently, I couldn't have been more wrong. KENDALL: Could you elborate? SYDNEY: A few months ago, I noticed something unusual. (Time Will Tell: Sydney looks at the codes written in the books her father gave her mother.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I found cyrillic codes in old books that my father had purchased. I began to suspect him of having collaborated with the KGB. (Present.) KENDALL: But that wasn't the case, was it? SYDNEY: No. (The Confession: Meeting at the CIA.) JACK: Those cyrillic codes you found in those books - yes, they were orders from the KGB and yes, they were orders to kill. An agent recieved those orders and carried them out, but, Sydney, I was not that agent. Your mother was. (Present.) KENDALL: Your mother was a traitor. SYDNEY: Yes. KENDALL: A woman who appeared to be one thing but actually was another. Your mother. Tell me how she died? SYDNEY: I... I used to think my mother and father were driving together. I was wrong. My mother was actually alone. She was being pursued by an FBI counterintelligence officer. The roads were slippery. There was an accident. The cars went into a river. KENDALL: And after she died, your father raised you? Is that right? SYDNEY: No. He hired a nanny. Like I said, he and I didn't have much of a relationship until recently. KENDALL: So... like your father, you're a double agent. Tell us how that works? SYDNEY: It always begins with something that SD-6 wants. Information, technology, classified data. Typically, Sloane outlines the mission objective then Marshall reviews the tech. KENDALL: Marshall? SYDNEY: He's our tech guy. (Mea Culpa: Marshall holds up a phone.) MARSHALL: This? Looks just like a normal phone that you'd use to call someone so, "Hi, I'm going to be late for dinner, Dad. Don't wait up for me or anything." Biometric censor. Now what it does is-- (So It Begins: Marshall, wearing big rubber gloves, gives the demonstration.) MARSHALL: --Just barely touch it and you're knocked out completely. It's like freebasing Thorazine. Boom. You're out. (A Broken Heart: Marshall holds up a purse.) MARSHALL: Now, this looks just like a normal purse that you would wear out with going out with your lady friends. Put your feminine things in there, but... a parabolic microphone. (Spirit: Marshall puts on the big pink sunglasses.) MARSHALL: Now, not only do they take pictures silently and have a telephoto lens, but... they're super-swank. (Present.) SYDNEY: Once I have the mission laid out, I contact the CIA. I detail the SD-6 operation on a brown paper bag. I wait for the CIA to contact me. KENDALL: And after the CIA reviews the mission, what happens then? SYDNEY: I meet with Vaughn to get my countermission. KENDALL: And could you give us an example of a countermission? SYDNEY: SD-6 sends me to Moscow to get computer disks. The CIA wants copies. (So It Begins: Sydney, wearing the blue latex dress, stands in the club.) SYDNEY: I'm in the bar. I can see you. Are those the files? If they are, cough. (Dixon coughs) Get ready to make the switch. (She takes some playing cards, drink in hand, and walks over to the table. She falls, makes the switch and apologizes in Russian.) (Present.) SYDNEY: After I get back to Los Angeles, I have to complete a brush pass. (So It Begins: Sydney walks in the airport. Vaughn meets here, posing a janitor. She drops the disk in his cleaning tray.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I give the stolen disks to Vaughn so that the CIA can make copies. Then before I leave the airport, Vaughn has to pass the originals back to me so I can deliver them to Sloane. (So It Begins: Vaughn hurriedly walks to Sydney and drops the disks in her bag just as she gets in the car with Dixon.) SYDNEY: (voice over) All without my SD-6 partner ever knowing. (Present.) KENDALL: Your SD-6 partner. SYDNEY: Dixon. KENDALL: Dixon believes that SD-6 is affiliated with the CIA. He doesn't know that you're a double. SYDNEY: That's right. KENDALL: Does that ever, uh... cause problems? (Doppelganger: Sydney and Dixon sneak into the Badenweiler plant.) SYDNEY: (voice over) SD-6 sent us to retrieve a vaccine from a plant in Badenweiler and destroy the empty building. While I was in the laboratory, Dixon was setting the explosive charge. (Sydney grabs the inhalers and Dixon sets up the bomb.) SYDNEY: (voice over) What Dixon didn't know, what I couldn't tell him, was that the CIA also had a team in the building. (Sydney meets up with them.) SYDNEY: I've got a bomb to disengage. CIA MAN: Yeah, please. We'd appreciate it. (Sydney runs up the stairs and starts to disengage the bomb.) SYDNEY: (voice over) My CIA countermission included disarming Dixon's bomb. (Sydney runs out and meets up with Dixon in the bushes.) DIXON: Did you get the inhalers? SYDNEY: We're good. (Dixon hits the detonator. Nothing happens.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I knew Dixon's detonator wouldn't work. That was the plan. SYDNEY: Come on. We got to go. DIXON: I brought a second detonator in case there was a frequency jam. (He hits the button and the plant explodes.) DIXON: Let's go. (Present.) SYDNEY: Can we... can we take a break please? Just for a minute. (Haladki walks to his car and punches in the code on the door to unlock it. Jack comes up from behind, throws him face-first on the hood of his car, flips him over on his back and shoves a gun in his face.) JACK: I have no desire to blow your head off, or ruin your paint job, but I will do both unless you tell me where the hell Sydney Bristow is. HALADKI: Moorpark! Thrall federal building on Moorpark. I have the address in my pocket! JACK: They won't keep her there overnight. What's the plan? HALADKI: There's a safehouse a half mile away. JACK: When are they transferring her? HALADKI: At what time? 5:30! JACK: 5:30. HALADKI: That was the plan, I swear to God! JACK: Just so we're clear: you report this conversation, you'll never wear a hat again. HALADKI: I got it! No worries! I got it! (Jack walks away. Haladki gasps for air.) (Tribunal.) KENDALL: We need a list of people who are aware of your double agent status. SYDNEY: It's a short list. Besides the CIA, only my father knows. KENDALL: You've never told anyone else? SYDNEY: No. After what happened with Danny, I thought it might b a good idea to keep my mouth shut. (Spirit: Sydney and Will argue as she walks out the door for yet another mission, ending the group's Boggle game.) WILL: I'm going to actually call them and quit for you right now. SYDNEY: Look, to you, my job might seem pointless and stupid but it's not. It's far from pointless and if you knew what I delt with every day, you might even thank me for doing my job so well! WILL: (confused) What the hell are you talking about? SYDNEY: Nothing. I'm going to work. (Present.) KENDALL: So you have a hard time keeping secrets. SYDNEY: No, I don't have a hard time keeping a secret. What I don't enjoy is lying to my friends or being in a constant state of jetlag from flying to the far corners of the world for a man that I wish were dead. KENDALL: Sloane. SYDNEY: Yes. Sloane. KENDALL: How often does SD-6 send you on operations? (So It Begins: Sydney in a black wig runs down a hallway, dodging bullets. She dives in the elevator, climbs on top of it and then slides down the elevator shaft wire next to it. Parity: Sydney, wearing a red wavy wig and a red dress, swings down on a chain and kicks Ana in the stomach. A Broken Heart: Sydney, in a braided orange wig and green clothes, kicks the bodyguard. So It Begins: Sydney, dressed as a maid with a long blond wig, kicks one of the goons. Doppelganger: Sydney drives the ambulance; the car behind them blows up. Doppelganger: Sydney grabs the fire poker, hits the bodyguard's gun away. Reckoning: Sydney fights off one of the orderlies in the mental institution. Page 47: Sydney, on the boat, jumps up and swings down, kicking the large goon with the briefcase handcuffed to his hand, in the chest. Spirit: Sydney, in the blond curly wig, kicks Driscoll's bodyguard and he breaks the glass wall, falling through. So It Begins: As the maid, Sydney kicks one of the goons and jumps up to kick him again. A Broken Heart: Sydney flips off the wall and kicks the bodyguard. Time Will Tell: Sydney and Ana fight in the cave in Argentina. The Confession: Sydney walks into the club in the auburn wig and red dress. The Coup: In Vegas, Sydney walks in with the silver showgirl/waitress outfit. Spirit: By the pool, Sydney stands in the black bikini. Reckoning: In London, Sydney wears the long black wig and green dress. Page 47: Sydney flails around on the wire as she is being shot from the guards below. She cuts the wire, slides down, and crashes through the window in the building. Time Will Tell: With the clock safely in her bag, Sydney runs from Ana and the K-Directorate agents who just shot Donato. She runs to the building, slides on a clip on the railing, and jumps off the building. The Prophecy: Sydney jumps off a cliff and her parachute opens. She floats by the Cristo Redentor. Mea Culpa: Sydney parachutes down to the party, unzips her suit to reveal a dress and heals. She walks into the party.) (Present.) SYDNEY: I keep busy. KENDALL: What does SD-6 want? What is their priority? SYDNEY: At the moment, it's Rambaldi. KENDALL: What can you tell me about him? SYDNEY: Milo Rambaldi was Pope Alexander VI's chief architect. (An old man with a long white beard, Rambaldi, sits down and begins to write. Back to present.) SYDNEY: He was an artist, an inventor. His designs were so technologically advanced, at the time, they thought he was heretic. And he was executed. Now, five hundred years later, many believe he was a prophet. And SD-6, CIA, GRU, K-Directorate, the entire intelligence world, is on a Rambaldi scavenger hunt. KENDALL: Why? SYDNEY: They assume that Rambaldi had some sort of master plan. (Time Will Tell: Sydney and Dixon see the Rambaldi sign on the lid in Argentina.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Which was recently confirmed following my trip to Argentina. (They open the lid and Sydney goes down. She climbs down the ladder and walks down the cave with a flashlight. She sees the Rambaldi door and opens it. She takes out the journal.) SYDNEY: (voice over) in that book, Rambaldi refers to a single construction. The agencies don't know what it is yet, but they're all afraid the other guy's going to get it first. (Present.) KENDALL: I just have one more question. Do you believe Rambaldi was a prophet? SYDNEY: Do you? You're not going to let me go... are you? KENDALL: We're done for today. (Sydney is handcuffed behind her back and is led out of the building with two FBI agents. Once they make it outside, a silver van pulls up and screeches to a halt. Two masked men with guns run out of the van.) MAN1: Don't move! Get down, now! MAN2: You-- come with us! Let's go! GO, GO! (The agents are on their stomachs on the ground and watch as Sydney is taken by the two masked men into the van. The van drives off.) AGENT1: (on radio) We've got a silver van, license plate 4... (Inside the van, Sydney falls over when the van makes a short turn. Weiss and Vaughn pull off their masks.) VAUGHN: You're going to be okay. SYDNEY: What the hell are you doing? VAUGHN: Proving this prophecy is not about you. (From the front seat, the driver speaks up. It's Jack.) JACK: Sydney, we'll explain everything when we get there. SYDNEY: Dad?! JACK: Hey, honey. (The doors at a garage open and the van drives in. Everyone gets out.) VAUGHN: If the FBI takes this prophecy seriously, the key to your innocence will be the second paragraph. (Weiss takes their guns.) JACK: Rambaldi wrote that the woman in that picture will never have seen Mt. Sebacio. VAUGHN: That's where you're going. SYDNEY: Wait a minute-- JACK: At the very least, the FBI would have kept you in custody for months. VAUGHN: SD-6 would have investigated your disappearance, would have found out the truth. You would have been exposed. JACK: Your going to Mt. Sebacio should give them the proof they need. SYDNEY: The FBI might let me go! All this does is make them certain I'm guilty of something! JACK: Sydney-- SYDNEY: Escaping from federal custody and crossing the border into another country proves that I willingly acted in opposition to the American government! JACK: It was either do nothing and get killed by SD-6, or take a risk to protect your cover! SYDNEY: Well, now I'm a fugitive from justice! JACK: Not for long. Once you get to Italy, we'll alert all agencies of our actions and your location. They'll extract you and you'll no longer be a threat. SYDNEY: You don't know that! (Sirens in the background.) JACK: We will have protected a vital CIA asset. You. Your cover will have been maintained. The FBI's not going to want to make a big deal about this. They can't afford the bad press! WEISS: We got to go. (Vaughn has opened the trunk of his car.) VAUGHN: I'm going to take you to the jet. You're going to have to get in the trunk. SYDNEY: What if the FBI was right? What if Rambaldi was right? What if he was talking about me? JACK: Then everything is predetermined and nothing we do makes any difference if Rambaldi's right. There's nothing to lose. WEISS: Seriously, guys, cops everywhere. Come on. JACK: When you get to Italy, contact me. (They put a bag of clothes in the trunk. Sydney starts to climb in. Vaughn holds up a transmitter for Sydney to use.) VAUGHN: So we can talk. (She climbs in, he slams the trunk and peels out.) (Haladki's office. He's on the phone.) HALADKI: Alan, it's Steven. Listen, I need to tell you something that happened today. No, I'm not okay. Actually, I did a stupid thing and I'll take full responsibility for it. Jack Bristow came to see me earlier today. I told him about Sydney's transfer time. (pause) When? (Vaughn drives down the road. He puts his transmitter in so he can talk to Sydney, who is in the trunk, stripping out of her clothes and putting on the ones they gave her.) VAUGHN: Are you all right? SYDNEY: You didn't think about it. Not once. The possibility that Rambaldi could be right about me. VAUGHN: No. I didn't. SYDNEY: Why not? VAUGHN: Because I believe in you. Do you think I'd just throw anyone in my trunk? (She laughs and smiles.) (Haladki's office. On the phone.) HALADKI: I just checked with transportation. Four vehicles were taken out today. I have their makes and license plates. Ready? (Vaughn comes to a stop and gets out. He opens the trunk. Sydney's wearing the wig and clothes she was wearing at the first.) VAUGHN: All right. You're going to take that car over there to Dozer Field. There's a jet waiting to take you to Italy. Be careful. SYDNEY: You too. (She runs to the Buick. Vaughn gets in his car and leaves. Sydney gets in her car and leaves. She's driving down the road when she meets a cop who has his siren and lights on. She ducks, but the cop makes a U-turn in the middle of the street and starts following her.) SYDNEY: No, no, no, no, no... (More cops. They're all following her now. She presses on, looking in her rearview mirror. She swerves, they swerve with her. She makes another turn, but the cops are on her tail. Sirens wailing. She drives down the street, changing lanes, driving fast. She barely makes another turn. Horns blaze as other innocent cars are in the way.) (At Francie and Sydney's the car chase is on TV and Francie and Will are watching.) WILL: Every day, there's another one of these. FRANCIE: They're so stupid. WILL: I know. Why doesn't the guy just give up? FRANCIE: Totally. It's not like he can escape. WILL: Stupid. (Sydney turns in at the pier. Three cops behind her, more coming. She makes another turn, barely. Cops on her. She comes to the pier and stops. The cops stop. She looks at the water. The cops get out of their cars and point their guns at Sydney.) COP: Cut your engine off now! (Francie and Sydney's.) FRANCIE: Look at that guy! WILL: This is the part where he gets out of his car and surrenders, every time. (Sydney stares straight ahead.) COP: Turn off the engine and step away from the vehicle now! Keep your hands up! Keep your hands were we can see them! (She looks at all the cops behind her. And then floors it. Smoke from the tires billows out as she drives straight ahead. The cops scramble to get in their cars and start after her. She breaks through the railing.) (Francie and Sydney's, they're still watching.) WILL: Oh, my God. FRANCIE: Wow... (Splash. Sydney in the car blinks a few times, seemingly surprised that she just did that. The car teeters underwater and begins to sink. The cops stop and get out. Sydney watches the water level rise as she's being submerged. The cops run to the edge and watch as the car goes down. The car sinks and sinks. Sydney looks around underwater, looking at what she's become. The cops stare from up on the dock, waiting for a body to surface. Sydney gets out of her seat belt and rolls down the window. She swims out, remaining low and moves to the tire. She yanks at the hubcap, swatting at some seaweed. She tears it off and takes the nozzle on the tire to her mouth and begins to suck at the air. The cops radio for help up above. Sydney takes a breath of air from the tires, looking up. The cops wait for someone to surface. She takes another breath from the tires. A boat passes by. She takes another breath.) (Later that night, Jack's phone rings.) JACK: Yeah? SYDNEY: It's me. JACK: Sydney, where are you? SYDNEY: I need to see you now. (Harbor. In front of a payphone, Sydney waits and sits. Her dad drives up and gets out of his car.) JACK: What happened to you? The plane is ready to take you to Italy. You need to go now. SYDNEY: I know. But I needed to see you first. Dad, I just drove a car into the ocean. I knew the police were waiting for me. I used the air from the tires... I was breathing underwater for ten minutes before I started to swim. And as that car started to fill with water, I knew what my mother had done in the same situation. Dad, she could have planned that accident. JACK: Sydney... SYDNEY: It makes sense. She was deceitful. She was cruel, ruthless, and in Rambaldi's prophecy he used details like that DNA sequencing. Dad, I inherited that. I mean, it's either mom or me. I know it's not me. (She swallows some tears. Jack looks like he might cry.) SYDNEY: Mom's alive. I know it.
Plan: A: FBI; Q: Who detains Sydney? A: a way; Q: What must Vaughn and Jack find to clear Sydney's name? A: her cover; Q: What must be blown before Sydney's name is cleared? A: SD-6; Q: Who is aware of Sydney's cover-up? A: the situation; Q: What does SD-6 become aware of? A: the rescue op; Q: What is the name of the operation that Vaughn and Jack launch to free Sydney? A: her innocence; Q: What does Sydney want to prove? A: even her usually unflappable father; Q: Who does Sydney shock when she makes a chilling discovery? A: a chilling discovery; Q: What does Sydney make that shocks her father? A: the 500-year-old prophecy; Q: What mystery does Sydney uncover? A: Rambaldi's writings; Q: What does Sydney discover that may hold more truth about the prophecy? A: the fate; Q: What does Sydney discover about her family? Summary: While the FBI detains and questions Sydney about her past and possible ties to the mysterious Rambaldi doomsday prophecy, Vaughn and Jack must race to free her and find a way to clear her name before her cover is blown and SD-6 is made aware of the situation. Once the rescue op has been launched, in her quest to prove her innocence, Sydney shocks even her usually unflappable father when she makes a chilling discovery that may unravel the mystery of the 500-year-old prophecy -- she finds proof that Rambaldi's writings may hold more truth about an alleged weapon of mass destruction-and the fate of her own family.
Scene: The apartment. Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game. Sheldon: Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It's like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real. Leonard: We must not be playing it right. Penny: All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed. Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider. Penny: Yay. Sheldon: You're a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two'll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday. Leonard: Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don't think we can play on Sunday. Sheldon: Why not? Leonard: Because of the reasons that Penny will now tell you. Penny? Penny: Actually, I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport. Leonard: There you go, she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport, aAnd I can't play 'cause I'm going with her, right? Penny: Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He's got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers. Leonard: Wait. What are you talking about? Penny: My friend, Justin. Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That's why she can't play on Sunday. Leonard: Who is this Justin? Sheldon: Your turn, Leonard. Penny: I told you about him. Leonard: No, you didn't. Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard. Penny: Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he's coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks. Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real? Leonard: Hang on. Some guy is going to be sleeping on your couch? Penny: He's not some guy. He's my friend. Leonard: So by friend, do you mean friend friend, gay friend, or ex boyfriend who you're now platonic with but still might have a thing for you friend"? Penny: Well, he's definitely not gay. Leonard: Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend's couch. Yippee. Penny: Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out. Leonard: Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked. Sheldon: I'll just roll for you. Penny: Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me? Leonard: What was your first clue? Sheldon: Uh-oh! Industrial accident. Penny: You know what? Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. Leonard: I'm not talking to you like you're an idiot! I'm saying the whole idea is idiotic! Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina. Penny: How is that not talking to me like I'm an idiot? It's my friend, it's my couch, and it's my freakin' life! Sheldon: It's also your roll. Leonard: You know what? It is your life. If you want to have some stupid guitarist stay on your couch, then fine. Why don't you just rent some bunk beds and invite The Black Eyed Peas? Penny: Hey, if I want to invite the entire line up of Lollapalooza to sleep in my apartment, I will, and it's none of your business! Leonard: Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how childish you sound right now? Penny: Oh, now I'm a child? Well, at least I'm not an idiot anymore! Leonard: The two aren't mutually exclusive! Penny: Oh, you are such a... (Sheldon has placed ice in the blender and turned it on) What the hell is he doing? Leonard: He's drowning us out. He doesn't like fighting. Penny: Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me! Leonard: I heard of 'em. Didn't know they were a band. Sheldon, she's gone. You can turn off the blender. Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end? Leonard: No, we just had a little spat. Sheldon: Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny's forfeit, you have become the world's first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone? Credits sequence Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: I don't get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch. Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car. Leonard: I don't want to play a game, Sheldon. Sheldon: It's called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun? Leonard: An old boyfriend who's definitely not gay. That's what a guy likes to hear, definitely. Sheldon: All right, I'll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr. Leonard: And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy! Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her. Leonard: What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I'm cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn't matter if you're cool or not because I'm Penny and I'm pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you're doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I'm doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you! Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car! Leonard: What? Sheldon: I can't listen to the two of you fight anymore. Scene: Leaving the apartment. Sheldon: Come on, come on, we're late. Leonard: Calm down, we'll make the movie. Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we'll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination. Raj: Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull. Sheldon: Go, go, Power Rangers, go! Penny: Hey. Leonard: Hey. We're, uh, going to the movies. Sheldon: No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter. Leonard: Hang on. They're showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn't want to come, would you? Penny: Not really, no. Sheldon: All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone's civil, nobody's fighting. Have a nice evening. Leonard: Just give us a minute. Howard: Oh, take all the time you need. Leonard: So, are we going to talk about last night? Penny: Are you ready to apologize? Leonard: No. Penny: E-e-e-e-eh! Wrong answer, but thank you for playing. Leonard: Oh, come on. This is stupid. Penny: Oh, there it is again! You think I'm stupid! Leonard: No, there's a difference between being stupid and acting stupid. Penny: Oh, yeah? well, there's a difference between being a jerk and being an ass! Leonard: No, there isn't! They're synonyms! Raj: Well, that was rather unpleasant. Howard: Yeah, I don't think I need my preshow urination anymore. Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late for the movies. Scene: The comic book store. Howard: Hey! Look! Amazing Spider-Man 183. Sheldon: Got it. Howard: Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and then his girlfriend breaks up with him. Want me to get it for you? It'll help take your mind off things. Stuart: Hey, guys. What's going on? Leonard: Oh, we need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits. Stuart: Oh, well, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let's face it, that's just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comic books. Leonard: Thanks, Stuart. Let me ask you something. Do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch? Howard: No, I mean, she's obviously way out of line. Leonard: Thank you! Howard: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. So the only question is, how long until you fold? Leonard: I am not going to fold. Raj: Well, excuse me, I don't think Penny's out of line at all. You don't own her. It's like my girl, Beyonce says, if you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it." Howard: Come on. At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it, she should've backed off. Raj: You mean like when a guy's upset because his friend agreed to take a cooking class with him and then doesn't show up because he's doing a juice fast with his mother? Howard: I didn't know you were upset about that. Raj: Really! Did you miss all the subtle indicators, like me saying, Howard, I am upset. Howard: Okay, sorry. Raj: Maybe it means something different in this country. Back in India, it means you're upset with a guy named Howard! Howard: I said I'm sorry. Raj: Sorry doesn't make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice! Howard: Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say "Have you ever peed so much in your life?" Raj: Oh, my God, you are such a mama's boy. Howard: Hey, don't bring my mother into this! Raj: You brought your mother into this! Sheldon: Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin' I'd leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here! Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry! I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon. Howard: Boy, what got him so upset? Raj: Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Penny: Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here? Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It's lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you'd be familiar with the paradigm. Penny: Is Leonard coming? Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize. Penny: Well, that's not gonna happen. Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here. Penny: Which is? Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize. Penny: I'm busy. Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I'd like to order lunch. Penny: Fine. What do you want? Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich? Penny: Yes. Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half? Penny: No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich. Sheldon: You can't make a half-sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich. Penny: Okay, fine, it's soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want? Sheldon: Of course not. I'll have my usual. Penny: Great. Sheldon: Aren't you going to ask me if I want a beverage? Penny: Don't you usually get lemonade? Sheldon: Yes. Penny: Do you want lemonade? Sheldon: Yes. Penny: Anything else? Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard. Penny: I am not going to apologize. I've done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting. Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable. Penny: Well, I'm sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn't about you. Sheldon: I don't follow. Penny: Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go. Sheldon: All right, let's assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong. Penny: Leonard is wrong. Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you've committed that he's overlooked, don't you think that, just this once, you could return the favour? Penny: I'm coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I've committed? Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you? Penny: Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you're making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about? Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing. Penny: My singing? Sheldon: That's actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn't agree with it. Penny: Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn't he just said so? Sheldon: Because, according to him, you're oversensitive and have a temper. Penny: Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead! Sheldon: And she wonders why she's constantly undertipped. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Oh, good, you're home. I need you to do me a favour. Leonard: Sure. Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny. Leonard: What? Sheldon: Right now would be good. Penny (knocking): Leonard! Sheldon: Although, a few minutes ago would have been better. Penny: I hear you don't like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality. Leonard: What? Who would tell you something like that? Why would you tell her something like that? Penny: It doesn't matter why he told me. It's true, isn't it? Leonard: Okay, yeah, it's true, but I can live with that stuff. What I can't live with is you casually informing me that some guy's going to be staying in your apartment without even asking me first! Penny: That isn't even your problem, the problem is you don't trust me! Leonard: Oh, come on. Sheldon, have you ever once heard me say that I don't trust Penny? Sheldon? Where did he go? Penny: Oh, your yelling must have freaked him out again. Leonard: Where are you going? You just walk away in the middle of an argument?! Penny: No, I'm going to go find your damn roommate before he hurts himself trying to cross the street or something! Leonard: Why didn't you say so? Penny: Oh, now I need your permission for that, too?! Leonard: Well, I can't read your mind, Penny! Penny: Really? Why not? You're so smart, and I'm so dumb! Scene: Raj's apartment. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. Raj: Stop knocking! It's open! Please tell my parents that our dark matter research is at a critical juncture, and I can't come home for my cousin Sanjay's wedding. Mrs Koothrappali: Sheldon, ask our son what we're supposed to say to Mr. and Mrs. Choudhry, whose daughter, Lakshmi is flying in from London, for the sole purpose of meeting him. Raj: I didn't ask you to set me up with Lakshmi. Mrs Koothrappali: You should be thanking us! Dr Koothrappali: Yes, Lakshmi just got her stomach stapled. You have an opportunity to get in good with her before she loses weight, and her self-esteem goes up. Raj: I don't care! And why don't you think I can find a woman for myself? Mrs Koothrappali: Because you're 27, and the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy Howard. Raj: Oh, that is completely below the belt. Sheldon, tell my parents that Howard and I are just friends. Sheldon? Howard and I are just friends! Fine. I'll come home for Sanjay's wedding. Scene: Penny's car. Penny (out of the window): Sheldon! (whistles) Leonard: What are you doing? He's not a lost dog. Penny: Hey, why don't you just let me find him while you sit there hitting your imaginary brake? Leonard: The brake might be imaginary, but that stop sign you just ran wasn't. Penny: What stop sign? Leonard: Eyes on the road. Eyes on the road! Scene: Outside Howard's house. Sheldon rings the doorbell. Howard's Mother: Howard, answer the door! I'm busy! Howard: I'm busy too, you answer it. Howard's Mother: I can't! I'm on the toilet! Howard: For God's sake, I don't need to hear that! Can't you just say, I'm busy? Howard's Mother: I said I'm busy, but that wasn't good enough for you! Howard: You know what? I hope it's one of those home invasion deals, and they shoot me in the head. Howard's Mother: Well, if it's a home invader, don't tell them I'm on the toilet! Howard: There's no one there. You're hearing things, you crazy old lady! Scene: The comic book store. Leonard: Hey, Stuart, have you seen Sheldon? Stuart: Yeah, he's, uh, over in the graphic novel section. Built himself a little nest. Leonard: Thank you. Stuart: Uh, Penny? Penny: Yeah? Stuart: Is everything okay? Penny: What do you mean? Stuart: Uh, Sheldon told me you and Leonard were having a fight? Penny: Oh, yeah, kind of. It's, it's no big thing. Stuart: Oh, good, good. (She moves away) I love you. Leonard: I'm not leaving until you talk to me. Penny: All right, what's going on? Leonard: It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us. Sheldon: Don't flatter yourself. I'm just ignoring you. Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let's go home. Look, we're done fighting. Sheldon: I've heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf, and my dad's on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates. Penny: Okay, there's going to no more shouting and no skeet-shooting. Sheldon: Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep? Leonard: Yeah, where's he gonna sleep? Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?! Stuart: I'd let it go. Leonard: Why should I let it go? Why don't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep? (Sheldon turns on a loud toy robot) Oh, for God's sakes. So, you have childhood issues, we all have childhood issues, at some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot) Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let's just... Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're going to fight. But no matter what happens between us, we will always love you. Right, Leonard? Leonard: Always is a long time. Sure. Always. Penny: You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home? Sheldon: I want that one. Penny: Okay, you can have that one. Leonard: Oh, come on, he's just going to play with it twice, and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk. Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard. Sheldon: Can I get this comic book, too? Penny: Yes, you can. Stuart: We meet again. Scene: Penny's bed. Leonard: So what did Justin say when you told him he couldn't sleep on your couch? Penny: He's a musician. He'll sleep in his own vomit, if he has to. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is in his spot. Beside him, a long haired bearded person is asleep. There is a guitar propped up on the arm of the sofa. Sheldon: I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.
Plan: A: her guitarist friend; Q: Who did Penny announce was going to sleep on her couch? A: Leonard; Q: Who is upset that Penny didn't ask him first? A: his quarreling parents; Q: What is Sheldon upset by reminders of? A: Leonard and Penny fight; Q: What happens when Leonard and Penny are upset about Penny sleeping on Leonard's couch? A: his parents; Q: Who does Raj argue with? A: Howard; Q: Who argues with his mother? Summary: When Penny announces that her guitarist friend, who she dated twice, is going to sleep on her couch for the next few days, Leonard is upset that she didn't ask him first. Sheldon is upset by reminders of his quarreling parents as Leonard and Penny fight, Raj argues with his parents and Howard argues with his mother.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - NIGHT] (Open on a concert poster-covered pole or palm tree. A kid carrying a backpack with a pink-colored canister tucked in it runs to the pole. He stops at the base and pauses to cover his mouth and nose with his black sweater, completely obscuring his face except for his eyes. He pulls down his black cap lower on his forehead.) WHITE FLASH TO: (The young man pauses and peers around the pole. Two other young people dressed similarly appear with him. They all peer around the pole to make sure the coast is clear.) (They run quickly across the street. They each run to a poster-covered pole and start climbing the pole.) POV: BARREL OF THE GUN (Through the center of the gun barrel, we see one of the young people climbing the pole.) RESUME VIEW (Fireworks burst in the night sky.) (The young man climbing the pole nearly reaches the top. He climbs quickly.) POV: BARREL OF THE GUN (Through the center of the gun barrel, we see the young man continuing to climb up the pole.) (Quick CGI EFX: A gun fires and the bullet exits the barrel. The bullet speeds up straight toward the climber.) (The climber grunts upon impact.) SMASH CUT TO: [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - NIGHT] (The body is hanging from the top of the pole. A light shines on the dead body dangling mid-air.) (From the ground, Nick shines his flashlight up at the body. Grissom walks over to him. He stops and looks at Nick.) Grissom: Feel like getting high? Nick: Do I have to? (Grissom nods. He turns and walks past Nick, who takes out his radio.) Nick: (to radio) Hey, this is Stokes. I need a lift, Convention Center Drive. Dispatch: (from radio) Copy that -- (Grissom and Nick head over to Brass, who is standing on the road nearby a second body.) Brass: Looks like somebody had some late-night target practice. Three Boy Does. No IDs. Nobody saw anything. (Grissom looks down at the body nearest him. There are bullet shells on the road nearby.) Grissom: Nine-millimeter shells all over the place. Nick: That's a lot of racket. Somebody heard something. Brass: Well, the only ones who did thought it was the fireworks show at the Wynn. Good luck. (Brass turns and walks away. Grissom turns and walks over to the second body on the pavement. David is near the body with another forensics person. David peels open the victim's shirt to find a thin clock hanging from the front, a bullet-sized hole hanging securely around his neck.) (Grissom kneels down next to them. Nick looks over his shoulder.) Grissom: What do you think? Time of death: 3:17 A.M.? David Phillips: Shot through a Flavor Flav clock. Haven't seen one of these since high school. Nick: Old school's the new school. (Right in front of him, Grissom picks up a stapler from off the pavement.) (CAMERA ZOOMS in for an extreme close-up of the bloodstains at the tip of the stapler.) (Grissom looks up at the poster-covered pole. At the top are posters for BANK NEW ALBUM APRIL.) Nick: (to Grissom) So, what do you think? This has got to be a gang war, huh? Grissom: Well, if it's a gang war ... (he looks at the stapler) ... these kids were outgunned. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE FLASH IN: [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - DAY] (In the broad daylight, the body is still up on the pole, hanging upside down, dangling by his legs. In the background, we see two police cars parked in the center of the road to block traffic. Nick has put in pink rods in the bullet holes at the top of the pole.) (Nick is standing on the lift as he goes through the dead body's pockets.) Nick: (shouts) No personal effects! No keys, no ID! Nothing! (Down below, Warrick is standing near a body with his camera. He pauses and looks up at Nick.) Nick: Either these kids were traveling light, or they were robbed blind. Warrick: And who the hell would rob them up there? Andre the Giant? (Warrick steps away from the body and walks over to the next body Robbins is examining.) Warrick: Hey, Doc, is it just me, or did something crush his legs? Robbins: Well, first off ... (Robbins pulls the sweater away from the victim's face and shows that the BOY Doe is really a GIRL Doe.) Robbins: ... looks like he is a she, and something crushed her legs. (Warrick snaps photos of the body. He leans down and sees something just under the girl's leg. He snaps a photo of it and reaches down to pick it up. Robbins gets to his feet.) (Warrick holds up the round circular tubing.) Warrick: What do you think this is? Robbins: That's your job. Warrick: Yeah. (Warrick puts the item down and stands up.) Warrick: Well ... I did find casings in such a wide distribution ... and a lot of them were flattened, so it suggests to me that the killer was moving when he was shooting. (Quick flash of: Tires screech. A car moves by quickly as bullets swish by amidst gunfire.) (A body falls to the ground. The car continues. A person is leaning out the car window as the car passes.) (More gunfire is heard. The car runs over the girl's legs. The heavy metal tubing falls to the ground.) RESUME TO SCENE Robbins: Drive-by? Warrick: Yeah, with a hit-and-run chaser. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB - DAY] SCOPE VIEW: THE BULLET (Under the scope, the bullet turns around its side.) RESUME VIEW (Bobby Dawson is looking through the scope. He lifts his head as he thinks.) (Nick enters the lab.) Nick: What up, Country? Bobby Dawson: So, the bullet is practically smooth. I mean, no sharp-edged rifling marks. Nick: Which means it was probably fired from a polygonal barrel. Did you run cartridge casings yet? Bobby Dawson: Yeah, yeah, and got an IBIS hit off of a firing pin impression. Murder weapon is an H&K MP-5. Nick: That's a $2,500 firearm. That's not your typical street piece. Bobby Dawson: Yeah. It's registered to LVPD. Nick: Really? Bobby Dawson: Yeah. (Bobby turns to the computer, hits a key and a new screen with information appears: {Right side: Photo of Bullet} SPEER 9 mm LUGER ID: 37283-2 {Left side: INFO} LVPD FILE #: 05 11 17 6194-RC NEVADA REVISED STATE: NRS 406.065 Property Burglarized ITEM STOLEN: HGK MP-5 TIME/DATE OF INNCIDENT: NOVEMBER 11, 2005: 4:17 PM SUSPECT INFO: -- MISCELLANEOUS: LOCAL REF # 4738-43 NOTE: Weapon stolen from SWAT vehicle during a drug raid on Vegas Valley and Sandhill. Contact LVPD immediately with any new leads.) Bobby Dawson: Those babies are very popular with law enforcement, and that one is issued to SWAT ... and reported stolen during a drug raid on Vegas Valley and Sandhill ... six months ago. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (Hodges examines the rod Warrick found at the crime scene. He finds a number etched in it: 867252B--.) (He scrapes a paint sample off the edge of the rod and looks at it under the scope.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - LATER] (Warrick enters the lab.) Warrick: Hodges, you getting anywhere with that steel rod we found? (Hodges is looking at the monitor on the RED'S PRO-SERIES HYDRAULICS site, which reads: 2005-2006 HYDRAULIC SUSPENSION COMPONENTS ONLINE CATALOG COILS HYDRAULIC KITS DUMPS ALL PRICES ARE FOR RETAIL CUSTOMERS ONLY PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME <<<<CLICK ON CATEGORIES TO VIEW ITEMS FOR WHOLESALE AND DISTRIBUTION INFO CONTACT US AT 1-800-REDS-321 (He clicks to the rods listing.) Hodges: Your steel rod is part of a custom hydraulic cylinder. Size and shape is a match for a brand called "Red's." Warrick: Oh, this guy was driving a street hopper. Low-riders get little clearance ... (Quick flash to: [ROAD] The car runs over the dead body's feet. It hits the legs and the rod falls off onto the road. End of flash. Resume to present.) Warrick: I'm sure he was more busted up about his ride being damaged than the three kids he whacked. Hodges: Hmm. (Hodges walks around the table to pick up a file folder with the test results.) Hodges: Also found paint traces on the rod. Color is Chesapeake Blue Pearl. It's from a Dupont line called "Brilliantz." Mostly used on show vehicles. Red's auto parts are individually serialized. Shouldn't be too hard to find out where it was sold. Warrick: Cool. Hodges: A'ight, G, so ... (He holds up two fingers. Warrick turns and heads out.) Warrick: Don't make me shoot you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARAGE -- DAY] (Warrick and Nick walk and talk with the owner, Marcus. They walk past various cars in the garage. The place is busy.) Marcus: Crime Scene Investigation. Hell, I love a bloody scene ... DNA and all that. Look, you give me a serial number, I can definitely figure out who bought it. Nick: Yeah, yeah, here you go. (Nick hands Marcus the slip of paper with the number on it.) Marcus: A'ight. (He looks at the number.) Marcus: This is the old style cylinder. Give me a second. (Marcus sits behind the computer and types the number into the AUTOMOTIVE RESTORATION CUSTOMER DATABASE. The screen pops up.) ENTER SERIAL NUMBER: 62867252B Owner: JEREMIAH CALVIN ADDRESS: 59391 SANDHILL CITY STATE: LAS VEGAS, NV (He looks at the name, then hits DELETE.) Marcus: Yeah, man, this, uh ... serial's not showing up. Nick: You said "definitely." Marcus: Yeah, but these old serial numbers sometimes get erased from the system. I mean, it's happened, you know? Warrick: Sounds like the wrong name might've just popped up. Marcus: No name popped up. Warrick: What's the matter, man? You worried about having some hard times if you give your homey's name up? Nick: I'll get a warrant. You don't mind taking a break for a while, sitting on the curb while we get some cops up in here. Marcus: Look, man, I don't need that kind of a scene around here. Warrick: How 'bout we do this? How 'bout you let us muscle you off your computer, and we can get the information ourselves? That way, if you're ever asked, you can say there was nothing you could do. You can let us do our jobs, and we'll be out of your hair. (Marcus thinks about it.) Marcus: I can live with that. (Marcus gets up and walks away.) Nick: Good man. (Warrick types in the number and the screen for JEREMIAH CALVIN pops up on the monitor.) Warrick: Jeremiah Calvin, 59391 Sandhill. (Nick leans forward, his voice low so as not to be overheard.) Nick: That's the same part of town where the SWAT cop lost his gun. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS - SANDHILL (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. ROAD -- DAY] (Nick and Warrick wait in the SUV. They've been waiting a while.) Nick: How long ago did I call for backup? Warrick: About fifteen minutes. (Nick sighs and picks up the radio to make the call again.) Nick: (to radio) Dispatch, this is unit 3D7. We are 465 at 59391 Sandhill. ETA on that backup? Dispatcher: (over radio) Unit 3D7 copy, ETA approximately five minutes. (Nick and Warrick continue to sit outside the house they're watching.) Nick: (to radio) Copy that. We'll sit tight. (Just then, a car pulls up outside the house.) Warrick: Hello. There's our gangster ride right there. Nick: With a gangster in it. Warrick: Yep. (The car stops, but doesn't park. It jumps up and down, then takes off.) Warrick: Look at that. Nick: He saw us. Warrick: I think I'll go get him now, man, before I lose that boy. Nick: Go for it, go for it. (Warrick starts the engine and follows the blue car.) Nick: (to radio) Dispatch, this is unit 3D7. Suspect is on the move. It's a, uh, royal blue Chevy Impala northbound on Vegas Valley Drive. License 4-2-3- Nora-Queen-John. Northbound. Dispatch: (from radio) Copy that. I'll inform the backup. (Warrick continues to follow the car. Nick looks around for street signs.) Nick: Where are we now? Where are we now? (The car turns; Warrick turns.) Nick: (to radio) Dispatch, Westbound Hatteras. Westbound Hatteras. Suspect is now west on Crag Avenue. Dispatch: (indiscernible response) Nick: We're now southbound on Eastern. Dispatch: (indiscernible response) (The suspect's car turns the corner. Warrick turns and finds the car parked.) Nick: Dispatch, uh, this is unit 3D7. Suspect has pulled into an alley on the 7700 block on Eastern. Requesting backup. (The driver of the car leans to the right.) Warrick: He's reaching for something. (The driver gets out of the car, his hands in his pockets.) Warrick: Hey, what are you doing? Jeremiah Calvin: I told you little punk ... airport cops to stop riding me, man. Warrick: Son, get back in the car. (Jeremiah Calvin doesn't listen. He advances toward the car, his hands still in his pocket and voice rising.) Jeremiah Calvin: You get out the car! All this old crime scene stuff followin' me, man. (Nick gets out of the car.) Jeremiah Calvin: Y'all think you're all cops? Y'all ain't cops. (Nick takes out his gun and points it at Jeremiah Calvin.) Nick: That's right, we're not cops. We're mad scientists. (commands) Back away from the vehicle and let me see your hands right now. Warrick: Dispatch, we got a code three. Jeremiah Calvin: Hey, hold on, man, you calling for backup? Your backup or my backup? (The tension level rises a notch higher. Warrick takes his sunglasses off.) Warrick: Son, you trying to win the wet tee shirt contest? My partner here's a great shot. Jeremiah Calvin: Yeah, you're real cute with that gun, too. Nick: I'm not going to tell you again. Jeremiah Calvin: You know what, man? I've had so many damn guns pointed at my face, I feel right at home looking at yours. Nick: Let me see your hands. Jeremiah Calvin: How you know I won't shoot your man? Huh? How you know I ain't got something at my waist pointed at your man right now? Warrick: Listen -- (Jeremiah Calvin steps closer to Warrick's door.) Jeremiah Calvin: You know, hollow points'll go right through the door. (Warrick reaches out through the open car window and grabs Jeremiah's jacket, pulling him forward and knocking his head against the door.) (Nick rushes around the car to help subdue Jeremiah Calvin. Sirens blare in the distance and grow louder as the officer car arrives.) Jeremiah Calvin: I got nothing on - Warrick: You don't listen - (There's some commotion as two officer cars arrive to assist.) Nick: (to the officers) Whoa, whoa, hey, right here. Warrick: You have a hard time listening, huh? (The officers run out to help. They handcuff Jeremiah Calvin.) Nick: Check him for weapons, Mitch. (Officer Mitch checks Jeremiah Calvin for a weapon.) Officer Mitch: It's cool. He's clean. Warrick: He's clean? Jeremiah Calvin: I don't need no gun for you! (The officers grab Jeremiah Calvin and lead him to the car.) Officer Mitch: Stay down. Nick: (to Warrick) Be cool. Cool. Just be cool. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Jeremiah Calvin is ranting to Brass.) Jeremiah Calvin: I'm telling you, man, I'm ready to file a complaint right now. And that not-a-cop better be lucky I ain't suing his ass. [INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS] (Nick is watching the interview through the glass when Warrick walks in.) Jeremiah Calvin: (through speaker) Maybe I will. Look, man, I wasn't even doing nothing. Nick: (to Warrick) Hey. How'd things go with Ecklie? Warrick: (sighs) Not good. Jeremiah Calvin: I wasn't speeding ... Nick: Don't worry. I'll talk to him. Warrick: No, don't talk to him. (They share a look and a nod.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Brass talks with Jeremiah Calvin.) Brass: You want to tell me what your car was doing at the scene of a triple homicide two nights ago? Jeremiah Calvin: Wait, hold up, h-hold up, man. Let's get this straight. I don't own a car. You can check the papers. That's my grandpa's ride. Brass: So you borrowed it two nights ago? Jeremiah Calvin: No, I didn't. I was working, man. I deejay over at O.G. If you don't believe me, you could ask Jeni, and Rocker Jules, and GG, and Lina, and Blaze and you know, I had my first five-some that night. And there wasn't no homicides goin' down. You could believe that. Brass: I'm happy for you, man. So, what, are you pinning this rap on Grandpa? Jeremiah Calvin: Yo, man, my grandpa was a gangster back in the day. You'd be surprised. Brass: Yeah, I'm really not surprised by much anymore. We have a warrant to search your house ... and I bet I find a crime to go with every gun. Jeremiah Calvin: If I'd killed those kids ... you would never find a gun. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - FRONT WALK/FRONT PORCH -- DAY] (Detective Sam Vega, Catherine and a couple of uniforms head up the walk. Sam Vega knocks on the door.) Det. Sam Vega: Las Vegas Police. We have a warrant to search the premises. Man: (through door) Come on in. (Sam Vega looks at the officers and nods. He steps aside as the officer reaches over and opens the door.) [INT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Inside, Grandpa Calvin sits in the lounge chair watching television. He looks up and sees the officer with his gun out turn and head into the back rooms.) (Sam Vega walks in.) Grandpa Calvin: Costs money to fix a door. Thanks for knocking. [INT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - HALLWAY -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (In the hallway, the officer checks the bedrooms.) [INT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Catherine walks into the house.) Officer: (o.s.) Clear. Sam Vega: Got any guns in the house, sir? Grandpa Calvin: I don't allow that garbage in here. Catherine: Where's Jeremiah's room? Officer: (o.s.) Clear. Grandpa Calvin: End of the hall. (Catherine heads for the hallway.) [INT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - HALLWAY / BEDROOM -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (She walks to the bedroom at the end of the hall and sees the officer inside looking under the mattress.) Officer: Got nothing. (Catherine turns and looks at the second bedroom.) [INT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Detective Sam Vega talks with Grandpa Calvin.) Sam Vega: I'm going to need you to verify the whereabouts of your grandson Jeremiah two nights ago. Grandpa Calvin: How the hell would I know? Man, you're making me miss my program. It's not like I got that TIVO. Catherine: Mr. Calvin? Whose room is next to Jeremiah's? Grandpa Calvin: Morris'. Catherine: Did Morris ever drive the car? Grandpa Calvin: (exasperated) Go ask him. Catherine: Where is he? Grandpa Calvin: He wasn't in his room? He's been in there all day. [INT. CALVIN RESIDENCE - SMALL BEDROOM - DAY (MOMENTS LATER)] (Catherine knocks on the bedroom door as she steps inside.) Catherine: Morris? (Detective Sam Vega is behind her, his gun in his hand.) Catherine: Morris? (He checks under the bed as Catherine reaches for the closed closet door.) (She opens the door and Morris falls out onto the floor, shaking violently and sweating. He doesn't say anything ... or can't say anything.) (Catherine calls for assistance on her phone.) Catherine: (to phone) Control, this is CSI Willows. We need an ambulance. (She looks down and sees that his right calf is red and infected.) Catherine: Hey, Morris, somebody's coming. (She hangs up. Morris shakes on the floor.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] (Establish.) [INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY] (Doctor Leever reports to Catherine and Detective Sam Vega as they stand around Morris Calvin's bed.) Dr. Leever: He doesn't have a bad attitude, he has clostridium tetani. Catherine: Tetanus. Dr. Leever: I extracted this from the wound in his calf. (He takes out a container with the staple in it.) (Quick CGI flash to: The staple gun is pushed up against the leg and fired, ripping through the skin and flesh. CAMERA ZOOMS FOR ECU as the staple goes into flesh. Bacteria from the staple enters the bloodstream. CAMERA ZOOMS through the bloodstream and into the nervous system, up the spine, and all the way to the JAW, where it spasms and locks.) Dr. Leever: (V.O.) Bacteria on the staple got into the bloodstream, releasing toxins that enabled muscular contractions. That's why they call it lockjaw. (End of CGI flash. Resume to present.) Catherine: No wonder he wouldn't talk -- he couldn't. Sam Vega: How long before he can? Dr. Leever: Take couple of days for the antibiotics to flush it out of his system. (Dr. Leever leaves. Catherine looks at Morris still shaking on the bed. She turns to Sam Vega.) Catherine: Well, he doesn't have lock-wrist. You got a pen? (Vega gives Catherine his pen and notebook.) Catherine: We matched your blood to the staple gun; it puts you at Convention Center Drive and you go down for three murders. (She puts the pen in Morris' hand and the paper in front of him.) Catherine: You have anything to tell us, now's the time. (Morris writes: $.) (Puzzled, Catherine shows it to Vega.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT] (Sara is processing the car. She snaps photos of the tires and hubcaps. She snaps a photo of the steering wheel and another of the stick shift and dashboard.) (In the back seat, she finds a bullet casing. She opens the door and goes inside the car to pick up the casing.) (Quick flash to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] The gunmen, with their guns sticking out of the windows, fire out the moving car. The camera follows the bullet casing as it falls onto the back seat.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) [CU: BULLET] (Sara looks at the bullet casing. She puts the bullet into a bindle.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Sara examines the outside car door with an ALS. She finds some drops on the material roof.) (Quick flash to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] The gunmen, with their guns sticking out of the moving car window, fire at the person up on the pole. The person is hit and falls back, their shoe caught up on top. The car with the gunmen passes by.) WHITE FLASH TO: (Blood drops fall on the car's material roof.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Sara takes a swab sample of the blood and tests it. The swab turns red.) (Quick flash to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] The gunmen, with their guns sticking out of the moving car window, fire upward. Blood drops fall on the car's door.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Sara tests for GSR. The pad turns red.) (Sara dusts the dashboard for prints. She finds two sets.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT] (Sara walks into the room and finds Grissom, Catherine and Nick at the table going through the files.) Sara: Hey, so the car was definitely at the scene. Blood on the soft-top was a match to one of the vics. (Sara sits down.) Catherine: And Morris Calvin was there. DNA confirmed that it was his blood on the staple gun. (Quick flash to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] Tires screech as the car zooms past, guns firing, bodies falling to the ground. The car door opens and Morris Calvin gets out. He walks up to one of the bodies. The person reaches over with the staple gun and staples his leg. Morris Calvin fires at the person.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Nick: Yeah, but we don't have a murder weapon, so we can't confirm Morris was the shooter. Sara: There's a ton of unknown prints on the car. GSR in the backseat. Had to be other people involved. If we could id the vics, it might tell us who'd want them dead. Grissom: Standard procedure for a drive-by is shoot as much as you can as fast as you can, right? Then leave as fast as you can. So why did Morris get out of the car? Sara: Maybe the vics had something he wanted. Nick: The only thing the victims on the ground had on them were the clothes on their back. And the kid in the palm tree, empty satchel. Catherine: Vega ran the vics past the guys in the gang unit. Nobody recognized them. Nick: And tox panels on them all came back negative. There were no drugs in their system, no personal effects. I doubt they were even packing. Grissom: They were packing posters. Sara: Are you suggesting that they were killed for their posters? Grissom: Maybe for what was on them. Nick: All right, now wait a minute, Grissom, there were posters all over that street. Man, we have no way of knowing which posters they put up. Grissom: Well, you got the staple gun. Figure out what they stapled. SMASH CUT TO: INSERT: CGI EFX ECU: CAMERA ZOOMS through the stapler to the chisel inside and out of the stapler. RESUME VIEW (The staple pops out of the stapler gun and into the flask. Greg tilts the flask and the staple falls out onto a Petri dish.) CUT WIDE and we find ourselves in the ... [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Greg is standing in front of the scope. The table is covered with a variety of posters from the pole.) (Greg puts the staple under a scope.) [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - DAY] (Nick is on the lift removing the staples off the posters from the pole.) (On the ground, Warrick is removing staples from the posters as well. He puts the staples in a bindle.) [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Greg puts the staple from the bindle into a dish. He places the dish under the scope.) (He looks through the scope to compare the staple from the staple gun to the staples off the posters.) [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - DAY] (Nick lowers the lift and continues removing posters off the palm tree. He puts the posters in a bag.) [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Greg compares the two staples. No match.) [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - DAY] (Warrick climbs up a ladder and starts removing the posters.) [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Greg continues to work at the scope.) [EXT. CONVENTION CENTER DRIVE - DAY] (Warrick takes a piece of poster off the pole.) [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Greg puts another staple into the dish. He places the dish under the scope. The two staples match. Greg looks around and finds the poster. He picks it up and looks at it.) (Quick flash to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] Morris Calvin rips the poster off the pole. End of flash.) (Greg looks at the paper. The back reads: TROY'S COPIES.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. TROY'S COPIES -- DAY] (Troy Thompson is walking among his large copy machines. In the back of the room, we see Brass and Greg walk in with a uniformed officer.) (They walk up to Troy Thompson.) Brass: Hey, slick. Troy Thompson: I saw my PO yesterday, guys, so you can just go home. Brass: Parole officer didn't bring us here, cousin. A poster did. Troy Thompson: If you're trying to stick me with some kind of child porno thing or something sick like that, I'm not your guy. I do mainly concerts and conventions and have for the past twenty years. I'm cheap, fast, and open 24/7. Brass: Just like my ex-wife. (Greg hands him a portion of the poster. He looks at it.) Greg: You have any idea where this came from? Troy Thompson: You know, maybe. (He motions for them to follow him. He leads them to a wall with various poster samples stapled.) Troy Thompson: The wall of fame. This is where my customers can appreciate my work. Let's see here. (He holds up the photo of the poster piece and matches it to a poster: DOLLAR DUDES GONE NUTZ (The poster is of Dollar in a bikini.) Troy Thompson: Yeah, now this is a classic. Now I know about "Chicks Gone Nutz" because of their booby videos but "Dudes Gone Nutz" now ... (chuckles) that really busts my belt. (Greg walks up to the poster.) Greg: You know, wait a second ... I think I've seen that guy before. It's Dollar. He's a rapper. Troy Thompson: (still chuckling) No kidding. Those dudes are nuts. Brass: Yeah, well, everybody goes nuts. Any idea who ordered up the poster? Troy Thompson: Skinny little black kid, day before yesterday. Brass: One of these? (Brass takes out the morgue photos and shows them to Troy Thompson. He looks through them.) Troy Thompson: Oh ... man. That's too bad. Yeah, there he is. (Greg finds something on the poster.) Brass: How did he pay? Troy Thompson: Wad of cash. Greg: Interframe artifacts. It's a still frame from a video. Brass: I'm afraid we're going to deplete your wall of fame -- that posters coming with us. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Greg and Nick are walking through the hallway.) Greg: I did a search on Dollar. His real name is Jessie Cleveland. Vegas street kid made good, first CD went platinum. Brass is contacting his managers. Here he is. (Greg shows Nick the poster of Dollar in a bikini.) Nick: I'm guessing this is not his next album cover. Greg: I doubt it. (Greg turns and heads into the A/V Lab. Nick follows him.) Greg: So when I went online, I found the usual things ... websites, photos, and this ... (Greg plays the video on the monitor. It has Dollar on his hands and knees on a bed. He's in a string bikini - the same as on the poster.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: (from video) Playa, look, Dawg, you know what I'm saying, I got stacks of cash in the back, man, I got jewelry, I got black American Express cards. I got whatever you want, man, take it all, Dawg. Voice (man): (o.s.) Put your face in the bed, your ass in the air, and say what I want you to say. Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: (from video) I'm Dollar ... from "Dudes Gone Nutz" and I liked it ... (He exhales heavily.) I like to take it ... Greg: Video was mirrored on a dozen rap sites. It's all over the Net. Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: (from video) This ain't right, Dawg. Nick: So this is a rap thing? Greg: Biggie and Tupac? (The man off screen raises a gun and cocks it. We see the gun and the hand holding the gun on Dollar.) Man: (o.s.) Who's the bitch now? Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: You got it, Dawg. Nick: If these guys would shoot somebody over lyrics, they'd definitely kill over this. Greg: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. HARD ROCK TOWERS -- CORRIDOR] (Brass, Nick and a uniformed officer walk through the hallway with the concierge.) Concierge: Mr. Dollar left strict instructions not to be disturbed. Brass: Well, that's too bad 'cause we're conducing a murder investigation. (She points to a door. Brass knocks.) Brass: Las Vegas Police. Open up. (They wait a moment. There's nothing but silence. Brass turns and looks at the concierge.) Brass: Would you open the door, please? (She unlocks the door and lets them inside.) Brass: Thank you. [INT. HARD ROCK TOWERS -- SUITE] (The place is cluttered with boxes with Dollar posters. Nick finds a DOLLAR poster.) Nick: Hey, Jim, check it out. Geniuses hitting on 21. P-I-M-P. Brass: Yeah. Don't kid yourself. He's getting pimped in that video, too. Concierge: Excuse me, but if Mr. Dollar's not here, you're going to have to leave. Brass: But - but -- We haven't even checked under the bed yet. Nick: Yeah, and what's with all the boxes, clothes? Concierge: It's MAGIC. Brass: You know, for a concierge, you're not really very helpful. Concierge: It's a convention, sir. M.A.G.I.C.-- Men's Apparel Guild In California. It's the largest fashion show in the world. With every rapper, there's a clothing line. They all come to MAGIC to promote it. Biggest party in town. Nick: Hmm. Brass: So what kind of car did he drive? Concierge: Um, sir, his vehicle's still in valet. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL LOBBY] (Brass and Nick walk through the valet service and over to the Range Rover.) Brass: There it is right there. Nick: Yeah, is that it? Brass: Range Rover. It's the only one with 22-inch rims; it's got to be. (In the back of the range rover, Brass notices a trunk.) Brass: What's that? Open this up. (The two uniformed officers open the back of the truck and pull out the trunk. They open the trunk and find Dollar tucked inside. He's wearing a bikini and a gag.) (He groans and squints at them.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Where we at, man? Brass: You're outside your hotel, sir. Nick: Don't worry, we're gonna get you out of there and get you medical attention. Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Man, is you crazy? Look what I got on. I got all these people around here, the press. Man, let me know when we get to the hospital, man. (Dollar grabs the trunk cover and slams it shut over himself.) (Brass shrugs.) Brass: He's got a point. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - DOLLAR'S ROOM -- DAY] (Dollar is in bed as he talks with Brass and Nick.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: My prints? The hell you want my prints for? I'm the guy that was forced to wear the bikini, remember? I was in a trunk. I was in two trunks. Brass: Three teenagers were killed on Convention Center Drive. They were shot down putting up posters of you. Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Man, there's posters of me all over town. Got a record coming out. Brass: I know. I like the album cover. (Brass shows him the poster of Dollar in a bikini.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Where'd you get that? Brass: Like you said, they're all over town. Nick: We need your prints so that we may exclude you as a suspect. Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Yeah, right. Go ahead, take my prints. Brass: So what's the story with the video? Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Man, I left the Sean John party, swerving. Big bubble butt on one hand, bottle in the other. Went back to the room and I passed out before I could even get my lay on. When I woke up, I had a gun and a video camera shoved in my face. Y'all know where that ended up. Next thing I know, I'm in my luggage with a fat-ass lip. Brass: What'd the guy look like? Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: I don't know. He had on a mask. Brass: Anyone following you at the time? Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Man, I was so blunted and liquored up, I have no idea. Yo. Listen, man, y'all find out who did this for me, like, I'm telling you, like, I'll take care of you. I'll give you a whole new closet full of suits. Like, whatever you want. Like, you'll be popping tags for over a year. Like, you'll be the freshest cops on the street, I swear to God. Brass: So, why would somebody want to do this to you? Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Man, why wouldn't they? I've been dealing with beef like this my entire life, you dig? I bought my first bulletproof vest when I was fifteen years old, and I wore it to school. Them putting me in that bikini, man, that poster ain't nothing, man. I'm lucky to be alive. Nick: Okay, look, why "Dudes Gone Nutz"? Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: I don't know, man. I did some guest spots on the little "Chicks Gone Nutz" video. You know, the girls flash their thing things. Dudes just jealous, man. I dodge haters for a living. I got more enemies than some countries got people. Brass: Give us some names. Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: It'll be a long list. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Sara finds Grissom and they walk down the hallway.) Sara: Griss, we are not having any luck identifying the three teenagers from CC Drive. It's been two days, no one's come forward. Without an ID, it's like they never even existed. Grissom: We need to get their faces out in the public -- newspapers, billboards. (She hands the pictures to Grissom.) Sara: Well, maybe you could breathe a little bit more life into them. Grissom: Yeah. I'm pretty good at mouth-to-mouth. (Grissom walks away, leaving Sara puzzled by him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Grissom puts the autopsy HEADSHOT photos on the computer. The first autopsy photo is of the girl. The second autopsy photo is of a man.) (On a second computer, he flips through a selection of HEADSHOT photos of various different subjects, looking for the one that most resembles the victim. He finds one and puts it on the screen next to the autopsy photo. He cuts the smiling mouth out and layers it over the morgue photo. He cuts the open eyes out of the smiling photo and puts it over the morgue photo. He melds the two photos together so now the victim is open-eyed and smiling - giving him a new 'look'.) (Grissom pulls up a third morgue photo. He flips through a selection of HEADSHOT female photos and finds one that most resembles the victim. He changes her look as well, so now she's open-eyed and smiling.) (When he's finished, he pulls the three photos up on the monitor.) (Grissom nods, pleased.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - SQUAD ROOM -- DAY] (OPEN on the morgue photo with the different 'look'. Sofia Curtis interviews Margaret Kendric.) Margaret Kendric: (o.s.) Gentra just loved the hip-hop music. And it kept her out on the streets. She actually wanted to be a rapper herself. She did a couple of talent shows. Didn't do too well. So she joined a street team. Sofia Curtis: A street team? Margaret Kendric: Groups of kids who hit the streets to promote their favorite rapper. It kept Gentra around what she loved. Sofia Curtis: Do you know which rapper she worked for? Margaret Kendric: Hi-Def. That's what he calls himself. Sofia Curtis: The State of Nevada's willing to pay to send your daughter back to California for burial. Margaret Kendric: I couldn't afford to bury my husband. Sofia Curtis: In that case, she'll be cremated. I'll make sure you get the remains. Margaret Kendric: You send her ashes to Hi-Def. (Margaret Kendric gets up abruptly and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MAGIC SHOW AFTER PARTY - DAY] (The party is in swing. Girls are in bikinis and dancing to the live music.) (In the background, we see Sofia, Nick, Sara and a couple of uniformed officers making their way through the crowd. Sofia stops when she sees him.) Sofia Curtis: That's our guy. The one in the red hat. That's Hi-Def. (Nick notices a group of people wearing black shirts - the same black shirts he saw in the hotel room.) Nick: Looks like Dollar's crew is here, too. All the rappers come to MAGIC. Go ahead, I'll catch up. (Nick heads off in a different direction.) (Sofia and Sara make their way toward Hi-Def. They walk up toward him, but stop at the red velvet ropes.) Sara: Afternoon. (J-Lady steps forward.) J-Lady: You must be in the wrong spot. This isn't the security hut. Sofia Curtis: We need to talk to Hi-Def. J-Lady: Can't wait till after the show? Sofia Curtis: Either you get him or we will. (J-Lady turns and heads over to Hi-Def. She talks with him for a moment before he gets up and walks over to Sara and Sofia.) HI-DEF: What do you cops want from me? Sofia Curtis: You ever see these kids? (Sofia shows Hi-Def the autopsy photos.) HI-DEF: Never. J-Lady: I have. They're from our street team. They look kind of weird in those pictures, but Ray never smiles. Sara: They're dead. J-Lady: (surprised) What? Sofia Curtis: They've been gone three days. You didn't notice? HI-DEF: Don't look at me, ma'am. I never seen those kids before ever, sorry. (He steps aside.) J-Lady: Look, we've got kids coming and going all the time. It's hard to keep up. I mean, I know who they are; it's Ray, Marvin and Gentra. Sofia Curtis: Do you know their last names? J-Lady: No, I'm sorry. Sara: Well, do you know where they got this? (Sara shows J-Lady the DOLLAR poster.) J-Lady: Probably the same place I got this. (She takes out her cell phone and dials. She hands the phone to Sofia. Sofia and Sara watch the Dollar in a bikini video.) CUTS BETWEEN THE TWO INTERVIEWS: [EXT. MAGIC SHOW AFTER PARTY - OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL - DAY] (Meanwhile, Nick makes his way over to Dollar's crew.) Nick: Hey, guys. (Drops steps forward between Nick and Dollar's crew.) Drops: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nick: How you doing? Drops: Let me get one of those for you. Here you go. (Drops grabs a rolled-up poster and hands it out to Nick.) Nick: No, thanks, man, I'm all set. You know, personally, I think it's a bad idea to hit on blackjack. Drops: Well, you know, that's just how we do. We never bust. Nick: I know all about Dollar. What's your connection? Drops: Are you a cop? Nick: I work with the police department, yeah. Crime Lab. My name's Nick Stokes. Drops: Drops. And let's just say Dollar pays the bills. [EXT. MAGIC SHOW AFTER PARTY - DAY] (J-Lady explains where she got the video.) J-Lady: The video just showed up on my desk. First day of the show. It was in a plain manila envelope. Sara: So you put it on the Net. J-Lady: I never said that, but things happen. Sofia Curtis: Did Hi-Def and Dollar have a beef before this? J-LADY; Yeah, a couple of years ago, Dollar did song called "New Vegas." Talking about how Las Vegas is the new New York. Hi-Def is New York. He and Dollar been punking each other ever since. [EXT. MAGIC SHOW AFTER PARTY - OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL -- DAY] Nick: What's the deal with these street teams. What's going on? Drops: They do all the filthy, dirty, grimy promo for Dollar. Snipe posters, give away stickers, pass CDs around. Nothing really. Nick: You know, three kids were murdered the other night doing the exact same thing. Drops: What can I say, man? These kids run the streets, bro. Anybody at any given time can run up on them and try and lullaby their ass. Nick: Yeah, I don't know about that. They were putting up posters of your boy Dollar -- ones that made him look a lot stupider than just hitting on blackjack, you know what I mean? (Nick takes out the morgue photos and shows them to Drops.) Nick: Take a look at these kids. See if you recognize any of them. Drops: Nope. Nick: Show them. (Drops nods. He hands the photos to the crew, Ben and Dante. They look at the photos.) Drops: (to Nick) Nice suit. Glad to see you dressed for the occasion. Crew: No. (He hands the photos back to Drops. Drops gives them back to Nick.) Drops: Eh, sorry, Crime Lab, Nick Stokes. Nobody here's got a clue. Nick: Yeah, okay. Drops: Yeah, okay. Oh, well, what do you know? There goes one of my birds. Sorry, got to go. Peace. (He holds out his hand. Nick doesn't take it.) Nick: I'll see you soon, Dawg. Drops: Yeah, whatever. Look, you need any more posters, just scream at me. (Drops looks past Nick and heads off in that direction, bumping Nick on his shoulders as he walks past him.) Drops: Hey, Tweety! Tweety! (Dollar's crew leaves Nick and follows him.) (Nick looks down at the photos ... and the visible fingerprints on the photo paper.) (Nick smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Sara catches Nick in the hallway. They're both on the move.) Sara: Hey. Nick: Hey. Sara: Mandy matched two prints off the photo that you gave to Dollar's street team to the unknowns that I found in the low rider. Nick: Mm-hmm. Sara: One was on the passenger side door, the other one was on the steering wheel. (Nick sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL -- DAY] (Dollar is sitting on the bed getting his hair cut while he is on the phone. Around him, the room is filled with his various ENTOURAGE MEMBERS.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: (to Drops) Hey, yo, yo, yo, make sure you tell him about that crazy new suit line we got coming out. Drops: (o.s.) Mr. Yen says, "Moshi, moshi." (He turns around as Brass enters the room with a uniformed officer.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: Now what? Brass: I'm here for Drops. (He motions to the phone.) Hang up. Drops: (to phone) Konnichiwa. (He hangs up.) (Drops steps closer to Brass.) Drops: I'm expanding into Asia. Brass: No kidding? Where's your street team? Drops: They're grubbing -- they went down to the cafe hospital. You know, they're kind of Benigni over that Waldorf salad. (He looks over at the ENTOURAGE. They chuckle.) Brass: They're murder suspects. (Drops turns and looks at Dollar, who has been listening to the conversation.) Jessie "Dollar" Cleveland: (serious) Get them up here. (Drops sighs and shakes his head.) Drops: This is very disappointing. (Brass sighs, unimpressed.) (He turns around just as the DANTE and BEN return. They step out of the elevator and into the hallway. They turn and see Brass in front of them. They stop mid-conversation, pause and turn in the opposite direction intending to escape.) (They're instantly blocked by two uniformed officers.) Officer: Yo, gentlemen, on the wall. (The two kids turn and are forced to put their hands on the hallway wall as the officers frisk them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A -- DAY] (Sofia Curtis interviews Ben.) Ben: I didn't shoot nobody. Please, you got to believe me. I just wanted to drive that car. Morris was always bragging about it. Sofia Curtis: I'll believe you if you tell me what really happened. Ben: I was picking up an order for Drops. I saw that poster on the wall. I just told the other guys what I saw. Look, I know I shouldn't have done that, 'cause as soon as I did, Morris wanted to see the poster. Morris would do anything for Dollar. You know, Dollar's his life. He only has Dollar in his ipod. No one else. Sofia Curtis: So then you went to CC Drive. Ben: Yeah. We just waited for them to show up. Sofia Curtis: Who is "they"? Ben: Some other snippers. Hi-Def street team. Morris didn't care who they were, ... (Quick flashback to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] The three kids from Hi-Def's street team run and scatter across the street to put up the posters. Ben and Dante sit in the car with Morris Calvin.) Ben: (V.O.) ... as long as they was putting up them posters, they was dead to him. Dante: Morris, hurry up, man -- you just said you were gonna scare them. (Morris Calvin sits in the back seat of the car holding the gun. He watches the other kids.) Morris Calvin: Nah, man. That poster makes Dollar look like a ho. Dollar's nobody's ho. [SCENE_BREAK] (Morris fires on the kids.) (Scared, Ben takes off.) (Morris continues to fire. One of the kids falls on the road. Ben runs the car over the kid; the car rod falls off.) Ben: (V.O.) I ran them over. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Ben: After he got the first one ... he said he had to get the rest. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] ( Gunshots ) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Quick flashback to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] Morris continues to fire. The kid on the palm tree is hit and falls backward.) Ben: (V.O.) He shot the second one next, down off the palm tree. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Ben: The last one almost got away. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] The remaining kid runs like hell down the street.) Morris Calvin: (o.s.) Drive, man! Drive! (The car engine roars as Morris shoots the kid down.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sofia Curtis: What was Dante doing during all of this? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM B - DAY] (Brass listens to Dante.) Dante: I was just riding shotgun, watching Morris. Brass: You didn't do anything about it? Dante: He was out of his mind. Brass: Where did Morris get the gun? Dante: It was in the trunk. He said his brother swiped it off some dumb-ass cop. Brass: Where is it now? Dante: Broken apart and thrown away. Brass: Pro style. (Dante nods.) Brass: Looks like you and your buddy are gonna get broken apart and thrown away, too. Dante: I guess there's nothing else to say. Brass: Guess not. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (Nick empties the bag's contents on the table. Among the various contents, Nick finds a piece of wood.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - NIGHT5] (Nick is reviewing the video.) Dollar: (from video) This ain't right, Dawg. Gunman: (from video) (o.s.) Now who's the bitch? Huh? Who's the bitch now? (In the last bit of video, Nick freeze-frames and enhances the picture of the gunman's hand and gun.) (The gun has a wooden handle.) (Nick has a digital image of the wooden piece found in Morris' backpack and matches it to the wood on the gun's handle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Nick reports his findings to Grissom.) Nick: I figure Dante had that revolver when he was going up and down those poles. Grip gets thumped, chips off in the satchel. (Grissom compares the two photos.) Nick: Wood grain seems consistent, this means Dante made the video. Grissom: You said Dante works for Dollar. Nick: Mm-hmm. Grissom: He's a fan. Why would he humiliate someone he respects? Nick: (sighs) I don't know. I don't know, but on the video, Dante did say, "Who's the bitch now?" So ... you could say it got a little personal. Grissom: So ... get personal. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- NIGHT] (Crime scene photos are spread out on the table. Nick goes through all the photos. In front of him, he also has the three victims' file folders open. He also has the suspects' file folders open.) (He sees something in Dollar's folder. Information that reads: "DOLLAR" SUPPLEMENTAL INFORMATION: CLEVELAND PRODUCED VIDEOS IN THE THE "CHICKS GONE NUTS" VIDEO SERIES ) (Nick looks at the information on Morris' file.) Father: WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN Siblings: ONE Sister: TISHA JANNETT LAS KNOWN ADDRESS: 493 BRIAR WAY LAS VEGAS NV 89122 ) (Nick looks back at Dollar's file folder: CHICKS GONE NUTS (He looks back at Morris' file folder: Sister: TISHA JANNETT [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [CHICKS GONE NUTS VIDEO] (Dollar sits in bed while Tisha Jannett, dressed in a two-piece bikini, jumps on the bed.) Dollar: (from video) Yo, what's up, it's your boy Dollar, from "Chicks Gone Nuts". We're out here in Vegas, baby. We got whatever you want -- chicks, jewelry. We got the bottles. Come holler at us, you know. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - NIGHT] (Brass and Nick show Tisha Jannett, Dante's sister, the video. She's a pretty, young woman with deep, disfiguring scars on her face.) Brass: So you obviously know Dollar. You know, your brother has been arrested for felony kidnapping and assault and accessory to murder. Now if there's anything that you know that can help us understand his motivation, now's the time to tell us, okay? (She looks away for a moment.) Nick: Tisha ... what happened to your face? Tisha Jannett: About a year ago, during black spring break, Dollar caught me walking through the MGM. He was hosting this Chicks Gone Nuts video. Said he'd give me $500 to put on a bikini and jump on his hotel bed. I needed the money ... so I did it. I got my money and went home. Couple months later, Dante came busting into my room with the tape. He cussed me out ... forgot about that, too. Until my dad saw the tape. He called me a whore and a slut. He had his car keys in his hand. He cut up my face, my chest, my stomach. I haven't seen him since. Nick: And Dante blamed Dollar. Tisha Jannett: He couldn't find Daddy. He wouldn't blame me. Nick: So he joins Dollar's street team to get close to him, close enough to sneak into his hotel room and videotape him, the same way he videotaped you. Tisha Jannett: I know he didn't mean for anyone to die. He just did it for me. [SCENE_BREAK] VARIOUS SCENES -- MONTAGE [DOLLAR'S POSTER] (Camera pulls back and we find Dollar back in his hotel room and on the phone. Business continues as usual.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - NIGHT] (Brass is sitting on his desk and looking through a file folder. An officer walks in carrying a large, flat box wrapped in purple paper and topped with a yellow bow. She puts it on his desk and leaves.) (Brass opens the box and lifts the purple tissue paper. He looks away and drops the tissue paper. We don't see what's inside the box, but we can guess.) [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT] (Nick opens his box and finds a suit inside. He takes the suit out of the box and looks at it.) [EXT. POOLSIDE - DAY] (A courier carrying a canister of ashes walks up to Hi-Def and J-Lady. The courier gives the canister to Hi-Def. He takes the canister and looks at the label: IN LOVING MEMORY: GENTRA KENDRIC [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM - DAY] (Brass walks out of the office with the box. He puts it on the receptionist's desk. The box has a new label on it: SEND TO: SALVATION ARMY [CU: DOLLAR'S POSTER] [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] (The pole with the DOLLAR'S concert poster is covered with a new poster being stapled in its place: M.N.E. FAMILY PRESENTS HEAD STATE I.E. TO THE DAY AVAILABLE NOW www.madeit**entertainment.com SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
Plan: A: CSI; Q: What show investigates the murders of three street team members? A: the rap music world; Q: Where is the CSI team led into? A: the murders; Q: What do the CSI team investigate? A: Method Man; Q: What rapper is a guest star on CSI Summary: The CSI team is led into the rap music world as they investigate the murders of three street team members. Guest stars Method Man and Obie Trice.
"The Blonde in the Game" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Exterior - Wooded area, Daytime. Pan down from tall trees to DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN and SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH as they make their way through the woods, led by a POLICE OFFICER/PARK RANGER, until they reach a clearing sectioned off by police tape.) POLICE OFFICER/PARK RANGER: (voice coming in immediately, mid-conversation, as all three walk through the woods) Hikers aren't supposed to let their dogs off the leash back here. But I'm pretty sure the dog was running free when he found the - what he found. BRENNAN: What's the condition of the body? POLICE OFFICER/PARK RANGER: No idea. Can't get close enough to examine it. BOOTH: Why not? POLICE OFFICER/PARK RANGER: The dog's definitely not on his leash at this time. BOOTH: Ohhh. (In the clearing, Booth sees the dog growling ferociously, the skeletal remains of a forearm and hand clenched between his teeth - the dog is perched atop a small mound, surrounded by a wide circle of rangers, policemen, and the dog's owner, GIL LAPPIN, who is trying to calm the dog as the trio approaches) GIL LAPPIN: (to the dog) Put down the bone. (Gil continues coaxing the dog as Booth and Brennan reach the crime site and stand, watching the scene) BOOTH: How the hell are we gonna get to the body? GIL LAPPIN: (trying to approach the dog) Come on, Buddy, drop it. POLICE OFFICER/PARK RANGER: (watching the dog) You don't see that every day. (turns to Brennan and Booth) Sent for Animal Control. Take another hour though. GIL LAPPIN: Drop it now! (flustered, turning to Booth, Brennan and the Police Officer/Park Ranger) I - I'm so sorry. He - he's never done anything like this. BOOTH: (watching the dog) You ever have a dog, Bones? BRENNAN: I always wanted a pig. BOOTH: (amused scoff) A pig. BRENNAN: Very smart, and despite the popular misconception, very clean. BOOTH: (grinning) Yeah, I prefer my pig with a little mint, a little honey glaze- BRENNAN: (gives him a brief look) Not funny. (turns back to watch the dog) In some cultures, dogs can guard corpses, sometimes to the point of starvation, so ... shoot it. BOOTH: I'm - I'm not shooting him for just doing what comes naturally. As far as he's concerned, you know, finder's keepers. BRENNAN: That dog is compromising the integrity of my remains, so wing it - (Booth gives her a look) - him. BOOTH: There's another way, Bones. (steps forward, smirking a little) Dogs love me. (Booth lowers his stance a bit, cautiously approaching the dog, hands open and unthreatening) BOOTH: Nice doggy. Good pooch. (Buddy the dog puts the arm/hand bone down; Booth gives the dog an approving tone of voice) Ah! Niiiice doggy. Good pooch. (As Booth reaches out, the dog barks loudly and Booth yanks his hand back) BOOTH: Whoa! Hey, we're just gonna wait for Animal Control. (The dog picks up the bone again) BRENNAN: (picking up a pine cone) I'll do it. BOOTH: (scoffs) Oh, yeah. (Brennan whistles, using her fingers) BOOTH: Yeah, a pine cone's really gonna - (watches as Brennan heaves the pine cone away from the crime scene, for the animal to fetch) - work. (Buddy runs off after the pine cone, the arm bone still clenched between his teeth; his owner Gil chases after him) GIL: Buddy! Buddy! BRENNAN: Okay. (calls out) I need everybody to clear the area. (to Booth) Set up a perimeter. BOOTH: (casually, since everyone's already moving, following Brennan's instructions) Clear the area! Let's set up a perimeter. (Brennan brings a messenger bag over to the site) BRENNAN: (turns to speak to Booth privately) And tell Animal Control... BOOTH (leaning in) Yeah? BRENNAN: ... I'll need that bone back. BOOTH: Right. (looking grim) First thing I'll do when they get here. (Brennan and Booth squat down to check out the victim, as the point of view circles slowly around the skeletal remains) (Interior - Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Pan down from a close-up on one of the lab's computer monitors to the same remains from the woods, now laid out on a lab table for examination.) BRENNAN: Victim was female, late teens. DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN: (leaning in closely to examine the body) Blonde. Cause of death looks like blunt trauma to the back of the skull. ZACK ADDY: (leafing through a folder of photos from the crime scene) She was buried facedown. CAM: What's that, some satanic hoo-ha? DR. JACK HODGINS: (smiling, amused, as he walks up the steps to the platform and exam area) My uncle Preston wants to be buried standing up without a casket. (Brennan gives Hodgins a disapproving look; he quickly sobers and moves on to the facts of the investigation) Pupal casings and insect remains suggest she was buried out there seven to ten years ago. BRENNAN: Placement of wrists and ankles suggests she was bound. HODGINS: Residue on the medial malleolus might tell us what restraints were used. BRENNAN: Look at that. (points out a section of bone around the elbow area) ZACK: Yeah, wear to her right lateral epicondyle, and rotator cuff. Also, repetitive motion damage to the lower lumbar vertebrae. CAM: (testing him) What's that mean? ZACK: Golf? (Brennan nods at him with a small approving smile) (The sound of an I.D. badge being swiped at the foot of the stairs - ANGELA MONTENEGRO makes her way up to the platform while pulling back her hair. She's wearing a cute outfit, including a short skirt. Hodgins stares at her as Angela begins to button up her lab coat. He looks at her as if he's just seen her for the first time.) HODGINS: Hi, Angela. (recovers, smiling admiringly) You look great today. ANGELA: (smiles back, obviously appreciating the compliment) Thanks, Hodgie. (her tone remains light and flirtatious) This is my "boho, rocker, artist, mid-week, take-a-deep-breath-and-pout" look. (Hodgins and Angela grin, eyes focused only on each other) BRENNAN: (glances at them both curiously, her mouth slightly agape) "Hodgie"? (Cam also tilts her head and raises her eyebrows, obviously intrigued at the overly familiar term they've never before heard Angela use to address Hodgins) ANGELA: (smile dropping immediately, she glances at Hodgins before turning her attention to Brennan) Uh - (Brennan still looks mildly suspicious, following Angela's eyes to Hodgins who looks down) - I did a facial reconstruction, extrapolating skin tone from hair color. (She reaches for the computer keyboard, bringing up a facial image on one of the monitors) For the record, I hate the guy who killed this girl, and I hope to hell he burns in all eternity. (The sound of another I.D. badge being swiped at the foot of the stairs - Booth joins the group) BOOTH: That our victim? HODGINS: Yeah, I found flecks of black enamel paint in the wound. (With the computer and monitor, he zeros in on the specific bone, highlighting the hole from the injury with a red circle within a pixel box containing four blue marker points, for Booth to see) ZACK: Shape suggests a tire iron. BRENNAN: (murmuring) Tire iron. (The screen whites out and flashes briefly to three quick, dark images, including wrist bones and a blonde woman screaming, before flashing back to Brennan in the present moment) BRENNAN: (certain now, her intent eyes meeting Booth's) Tire iron. Hands and feet bound, buried ... facedown. (Cam looks to both Booth and Brennan, eyes wide, needing more information) BOOTH: (realizing and nodding) Epps. (Hodgins understands as well, brow furrowed, looking grave. The team takes a collective concerned breath at this sobering news, while Cam looks at each of them, confused.) CAM: Hello? New team member in the room. BRENNAN: Howard Epps, a serial killer on death row. BOOTH: Killed at least three. HODGINS: We found two of 'em last year. ANGELA: The judge stayed his execution to try him on the new charges. CAM: You saved his life. Ironic. BRENNAN: The timeframe fits. This girl would have been killed about ... six months before Epps went to prison. BOOTH: Run her through the database, get an I.D. CAM: Why don't you just ask him? BOOTH: Well, because last time Bones saw Epps, it - (as his eyes meet Brennan's, he smiles slightly) - got violent. CAM: You'll be there to protect her. BOOTH: She's not the one who needs protecting. (his eyes don't leave Brennan's face, as she looks down) Bones broke his wrist. (Flashback to the Season One scene during which Brennan furiously grabbed Howard Epps and slammed his wrist against the table) BRENNAN: (sickened) He touched me with his creepy serial killer hands. CAM: (pause) Better not take Doctor Brennan. (Cut to: Buzzing sound - an electronic prison gate is cleared to open. Close-up of a red sign with white lettering that reads: "NOTICE - DO NOT GIVE ANYTHING TO INMATES." An armed guard lets Booth into a prison visiting room where HOWARD EPPS sits at a table, waiting.) EPPS: (quietly cocky and confident) Agent Booth. What took you so long? (Booth stands in the dark shadows of the room near the door, his eyes narrowed, ready for the serial killer's every move, as Epps looks past Booth) And where's Doctor Brennan? ACT ONE (Exterior shot of the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C. - Daytime - Cut back to the prison visiting room: Epps sits, handcuffed to the table, while Booth stands, tossing a file folder onto the table.) BOOTH: (sets down a photo and points to the girl in the picture) Who's this? (Epps tries to stand in order to get a better look at the photo, but his handcuffs and body chains stop him halfway) Ohhh! That's right. You're chained. (Booth chuckles, then makes a mock-serious face as if he'd actually forgotten that fact) EPPS: (still bent over, his face close to Booth's) How about removing these shackles? BOOTH: The name, Howie. The name. (Epps glances at the photo, face void of any emotion, but instead of answering he slowly sits back down in his chair) EPPS: You know ... those hack doctors at the prison infirmary ... did a miserable job setting my wrist. (squeezes his wrist slowly as he talks) It aches all the time, and I don't have a full range of movement. (looks slightly amused, trying to get a rise out of Booth) And let me tell you, when you're stuck in a prison cell for 23 hours a day, there's really only one thing you can do to pass the time. And I need my wrist. BOOTH: (brief pause) Well, I'm sure Doctor Brennan would be ... happy to re-break it for you. (Booth picks up the file folder and taps it on the table with both hands) EPPS: What's that? BOOTH: (his tone level and enticing) What, these? These are crime scene photos, the ones you like. Tell you what. You, ah - you tell me the girl's name, I'll, uh, let you take a look. EPPS: Everything you need to win the game is right there in front of you. BOOTH: Game? (mock scoffs) You're bored, huh? (leans in a little) Are you playing us? EPPS: (leans in close, his face impassive) When Doctor Brennan figures it out, come and see me again. But bring your lady scientist. Otherwise ... I don't say a word. BOOTH: (levels his gaze at Epps) Next time you see either one of us, they'll be giving you a lethal injection. (Booth stands, the guard opens the door for him, and he leaves without looking back, as Epps watches him) (Fade to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Brennan and Zack are standing hunched over the skeletal remains, working. Booth sits near the head of the exam table.) ZACK: Classic game theory. Throwing down of the gauntlet. BOOTH: What? ZACK: Conflict of interest arises followed by a series of moves from which divergent strategies can be discerned. BOOTH: (turns to Brennan) What did he say? BRENNAN: (not looking up, as she examines the skeleton carefully) Epps is playing us. BOOTH: Yes. That's exactly what I said. ZACK: (not looking at Booth either, also examining the skeleton) Zero sum, obviously. After a few moves, we'll know Epps's order of preference. BOOTH: What did he say? BRENNAN: We'll find out what Epps wants. BOOTH: Look, I already know what he wants. (to Zack) I told you. He wants Bones sitting across the table from him. BRENNAN: Three rational players. Me, Booth, and Epps. (looks up at Zack) What about the nondeliberative agent? BOOTH: (to Zack) What did she say? ZACK: (inspecting the ribs) In a game, there tends to be one "N" rational players and a nonconscious, nondeliberative agent. (looks up at Booth) What did Epps talk about before he said all the information you needed was in front of you? BOOTH: Mom, Bones, blondes, his wrist being set badly after Bones broke it ... And, um, you know, he - he made the point that he ... really needed his wrist. (gives Zack a pointed look - Zack stares at him blankly, trying to figure out what he means) (Brennan turns her head to look at Booth, who gives a half-smile) ZACK: (realizing) Chronic masturbation. (Booth nods slightly, glancing at Brennan) The game may be all about self-gratification. BRENNAN: The phrase he used was "right in front of us." BOOTH: (standing up) Yes. ZACK: The ... blonde is right in front of us. BRENNAN: (nodding) And she has a wrist. Well, two, in fact. BOOTH: You know, if you had a pet pig, what would you name him? BRENNAN: (looking at him as if the answer is obvious) Jasper. BOOTH: Oh. ZACK: This wrist looks completely normal. BRENNAN: Here. The right hamate bone. (using a pair of tweezers, she holds up a small bone for Zack to consider) BOOTH: Hamate? ZACK: The whole coloration is off. It's slightly greasy compared to the surrounding bone. BRENNAN: (reaching across the skeleton to measure) It's about ... an eighth of an inch bigger than the same bone on the other side. ZACK: This hamate bone does not belong with these remains. BRENNAN: It belongs with a second body. There's another victim out there, somewhere. ZACK: (holding up the bone) Round one ... goes to Howard Epps. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Because he gets what he wants. Me in the room with him. (Booth looks concerned and displeased at the thought) (Cut to: Prison where Epps is held. A guard holds the door open as Booth and Brennan enter the viewing room from which they can see the visiting room, where Epps sits at a table with a young woman with long, mousy brown hair.) BRENNAN: Who's that? BOOTH: Oh, that is, uh, Caroline Epps. BRENNAN: Howard's sister? BOOTH: Uh, no. (The woman leans across the table and kisses Howard on the lips) Howard's wife. BRENNAN: Well, he didn't have a wife last year. BOOTH: Well, they got married about four months ago. (CAROLINE EPPS is escorted from the visiting room by another guard) Heads up, Bones. It's our turn to visit the psychotic murderous maniac- BRENNAN: (finishing for him) - b*st*rd. BOOTH: (cheerful voice) Hi, Mrs. Epps. I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth. (shakes Caroline's hand) This is Doctor Brennan. CAROLINE: Oh, Agent Booth. Howard's told me you both saved his life last year. BOOTH: It was our pleasure. BRENNAN: (looks at Booth in confusion) What? I was disappointed. CAROLINE: (to Brennan) Extending Howard's life has given him time to come to grips with what he's done - to ask God for forgiveness. BOOTH: Then we did the right thing by having his execution stayed. BRENNAN: (staring at Caroline Epps) Are you on some kind of medication? BOOTH: (rolls his eyes) Bones. CAROLINE: Doctor Brennan, I'm not one of those crazy women who falls in love with death row killers. BRENNAN: Obviously, that's exactly what you are. BOOTH: (butts in, handing Caroline a business card) Listen, if the prison ever gives you a hard time in coming to see your husband, just give me a call. I might be able to help. (he pats her arm in over-exuberant reassurance) CAROLINE: Thank you, Agent Booth. BRENNAN: Are you serious? She's crazy. BOOTH: Chop-chop. Let's go. (to Caroline) Thank you. Nice to see you. (he ushers Brennan past Caroline and toward Howard Epps's visiting room) CAROLINE: Nice to meet you both. (she exits) BRENNAN: Why were you nice to her? BOOTH: (whispers) Because we might need her. EPPS: (looks delighted as Booth and Brennan enter the room) Ah. Doctor Brennan. You came. BRENNAN: (sits, looking Epps in the eye) I got your message. We're analyzing the wrist bone right now. BOOTH: (sits, smirking) We just met your wife. (Epps's eyes don't leave Brennan's face, so Booth snaps his fingers to get Epps's attention) She seems very nice. EPPS: (scathing tone) Caroline's a hairdresser. (returns his laser focus back to Brennan) I'm glad you came. I hope you come back after you analyze the bone. Caroline's the best I could do in here. (he smiles) BOOTH: (squinting at Epps) Yeah, not your usual type, Howie. I mean, not young, not blonde. BRENNAN: Not dead. BOOTH: (never taking his eyes off of Epps) Bones, could you please shut up? BRENNAN: (looks at him, surprised) Excuse me? BOOTH: Is this why you duct-tape their mouths? Because that - (Booth nods at Epps) - I understand. EPPS: (leans forward in his chair, staring at Booth for several moments before responding) That's the lamest attempt at bonding I have ever seen. (Booth doesn't move or blink. Brennan looks down at the table.) EPPS: (closes his eyes for a moment, sniffing the air deeply) You smell that? BOOTH: What? My stinky effort to bond? EPPS: Antiseptic. My mother smelled like that. (leans back in his chair) Obsessed with germs. She washed her hands with ammonia. Mine, too. (pause) My one regret - I didn't make her my first victim. (looks to Brennan with a fixed gaze) Put her under a little stone cross years ago. BRENNAN: Okay. (nodding at Epps, understanding what he's telling her - he smiles) BOOTH: "Okay" what? BRENNAN: (touches Booth's back as she gets up to leave) Okay. BOOTH: (immediately) Okay. (Booth stands up quickly, never taking his eyes off Epps. Brennan knocks on the door to exit.) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Exam room with floor-to-ceiling drawers full of bones. Brennan is back at the exam table, looking over the skeleton for clues, as Booth stands at the head of the table) BOOTH: Don't be mad at me, Bones. My telling you to shut up was a ploy. BRENNAN: Now he thinks you're an idiot. BOOTH: Game theory, Bones, okay? (as if reciting) For two players to gain advantage over the one, they must be distinct from each other. BRENNAN: Where'd you get that? ZACK: (entering room) From me. I suggested that you be the smart one. BOOTH: Which, you know, left me making a ploy that, uh, was supposed to be lame. (smirks, pleased with his clever plan) BRENNAN: (looks up at him, shaking her head, dead serious) Don't enjoy this. BOOTH: What? (Booth and Zack share a pleased look as though they thought they had worked out a smart game strategy) BRENNAN: The only reason I am playing his game is to discover the identity of this young woman. (Booth is quiet, nodding to show he acknowledges her point) ZACK: (sobering) Well, we've made no progress on that. BRENNAN: Check the junior golf leagues. Given the amount of wear to her shoulder, elbow and spine, she must have started golfing at an early age. (Zack exits as Hodgins enters the room) HODGINS: I found minute traces of gypsum and selenium on the mystery wrist bone. Also, phenolphthalein, which is a kind of laxative. (pulls a small rolling metal table next to him and leans on it) BOOTH: Laxatives show up in bones? BRENNAN: No, not even after years of ingestion. HODGINS: The laxative is on the surface of the bone. I - I have no explanation. BRENNAN: We have scoured every inch of her, X-rayed her, run her through an M.R.I. - what clue are we missing? HODGINS: The laxative is the one thing that makes no sense. (looks to Booth) Last time, it was masturbation. Did he reference bowel movements? BRENNAN: (glances to Booth as well) He mentioned his mother was a germophobe, scrubbing his hands with ammonia - (realizing, looking to Hodgins for him to understand too) - Ammonia. HODGINS: Ammonia. Ohhh! (he stands up from leaning against the table, gesturing exuberantly, now seeing the clue) Why didn't you say so? (he walks out of the room) BOOTH: (still confused) Ammonia? (Cut to: Hodgins' gloved hand holding tweezers, reaching into a clear glass cylinder to place the hamate bone inside, as Zack comes around the table to set a small machine next to Hodgins.) HODGINS: Booth thinks we should get together and buy Brennan a pet. ZACK: What kind of a pet? (he hooks up a hose to the glass case as Hodgins places a lid on the top) HODGINS: A pig. And I don't think he means a guinea pig. A real pig. Like a Mulefoot, Saddleback, or pot belly. CAM: (entering the lab room) You want to expose a piece of crucial evidence to ammonia gas? (pause) No. HODGINS: Besides being a laxative, phenolphthalein is a sensitive pH indicator. (Cam's arms cross, resolute) ZACK: Colorless, unless it's exposed to ammonia. CAM: The second you expose this bone, it's useless. Epps wants you to destroy evidence. HODGINS: Why would he want us to destroy evidence he planted? CAM: Why would he plant evidence at all? ZACK: It might be a win-win scenario for him. If his endgame is to disorient Doctor Brennan, he can do that by - (Zack pauses to make his point) - ruining evidence that he himself planted. CAM: (holds up her hand) Fine. You can perform the experiment. (Hodgins looks triumphant as Cam reaches for the safety glasses and puts them on) So, glasses. (Zack and Hodgins reach for their own glasses as Cam turns the valve to release the ammonia gas, exposing the bone fragment to its vapors) (All three scientists bend down as the gas fills the case, illuminated by a hazy cobalt blue light. As the smoke clears, a small shape can be seen etched on the bone.) CAM: What is that? ZACK: Not sure. (Zack brings over a camera on a crane, in order to capture the image to their computer and zoom in on the marking. The design is of two distinct hammers crossed over each other in an "X" at the handles.) HODGINS: A Freemason symbol? (studying it intently) Hey, this explains the "buried facedown" thing. Oh, it's all starting to come together. (Cam waits, wide-eyed, and Zack squints at him) These crossed hammers prove that Epps is working for the top level of the Illuminati. ZACK: (interrupts, frowning) That's the cartographic symbol for a mine. HODGINS: (looks at the symbol again) Oh. (Hodgins looks slightly disappointed as Zack gives him a look) CAM: Epps is telling us that the second victim's in a mine? What kind of mine? HODGINS: One that contains gypsum and selenium. (Cut to: Booth's vehicle heading toward the metal gate entrance to a mining site.) BRENNAN: (to Booth) In prison, Epps mentioned a stone cross. That's what we should be looking for inside. (getting out of the vehicle) Okay, this is the only abandoned gypsum mine within Epps's known killing ground to also contain selenium. BOOTH: Six entrances, hundreds of shafts, and half of it's flooded. (lifts up the police tape so Brennan and he can duck under it) All right. You just follow my lead and watch yourself in there, okay? Thank you. (Booth and Brennan enter the mine shaft, shining their flashlights ahead - there are many agents walking about the area) BRENNAN: I don't think Epps would make it that hard for us. BOOTH: Yeah, well, Epps said he wished he'd buried his mother under a stone cross. I bet that is a hint. (calls out loudly) Okay, people, listen up! I'm calling in a "splunking" team- BRENNAN: Spelunking. (she crosses in front of him to reach a corner of the mine, her attention already on something specific) BOOTH: - Spelunking team with imaging capabilities to look for a stone cross. Until they get here, let's focus on the ventilation shafts - (to Brennan, who is trying to get Booth's attention) Hold on - (back to the investigative crew) to the west of the main shafts - (Brennan taps him on the shoulder again and gestures with her flashlight) What? Oh. (calls to the rest of the crew) Never mind. (they head toward a shaft behind Booth) Can we get some, ah, light down this shaft, please? (Brennan and Booth shine their flashlights, illuminating a stack of rocks that are piled meticulously in the shape of a thick cross) BRENNAN: It's the cross, Booth. BOOTH: That is, uh, definitely a cross. (Booth squats down near the rocks) BRENNAN: Will you help me move these? (she sets her pack down and adjusts her flashlight) BOOTH: Move what? BRENNAN: The rocks. (Booth sticks the end of his flashlight in his mouth, lighting his way, and Brennan starts from the other side, as they both pick up and shift rocks, one by one. Grunting, Booth moves one, uncovering a skull underneath.) BOOTH: (spits out his flashlight) Bones! Ohhh ... (grimaces at the sight and probably the smell) Ughhh. (sighs as he bends down to shine his light on the face of the skeleton, for Brennan to see) BRENNAN: (joins him, her head close to his) Well, it's definitely human, but- BOOTH: What? (makes a face again, as if he might retch from the disgusting smell) BRENNAN: Well, Cam can be more precise, but I don't think this is more than a week old. BOOTH: Epps has been in prison for seven years - (looks grim) - which means he has an accomplice killing people, on the outside. BRENNAN: God, I wonder how many more there are. (Pan down to a close-up of the new victim's shiny wet skull as the scene fades to black) END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Exam room. Pan left from a monitor - with a close-up of Cam's gloved hand pulling back a section of tissue - to Brennan and Cam standing over a lab table, inspecting the latest victim's body.) CAM: This is where the hamate bone was taken. BRENNAN: (dictating into a hand-held recorder) The victim is female, mid-teens. CAM: Extensive contusions around the ankles. (Close-up of bruising and marks from restraints on an ankle) BRENNAN: (studying various X-rays) Yes, and bone damage, too. Hip displacement ... elongation of the spine. (The screen whites out and flashes to a pan down from a length of chain to a panicked, screaming woman whose wrists are bound, her blonde hair hanging down, before flashing back to Brennan in the present moment) BRENNAN: He hung her upside down. CAM: I agree. And while she was still alive, too. (nasty close-up of the victim's partially decomposed face) Is that part of Epps's M.O.? (she looks up from her work to Brennan) BRENNAN: No. CAM: (soberly looks down at the body again) So his accomplice threw in some flair of his own. BRENNAN: (paces, thinking) Nine years ago, Epps kills someone and buries her. He goes to jail seven years ago. CAM: Last week, his accomplice kills another girl and swapped wrist bones with the girl Epps buried nine years ago. (Close-up of the swollen, discolored wrist and hand of the victim) BRENNAN: How do they communicate? CAM: Inmates are allowed phone calls, visitors, letters ... but those are all monitored. BRENNAN: He has a wife. CAM: Look at this. (she brings a light closer to the flesh, to emphasize the marking) It's a burn. Cigarette, probably. (Brennan shakes her head, troubled, as Cam reaches to a tray nearby and opens a small, clear petrie dish container) And, there's this. It was jammed in her shoe. (Cam lifts out a long golden chain with a locket or medallion of some sort hanging from it - the design on its face notes a carving of a woman, possibly a nun or a saint) BRENNAN: What? She wasn't wearing it? (Cam shakes her head) (Angela enters quietly, holding a file folder) ANGELA: The, uh, mine victim's dental work identifies her as Sarah Koskoff, Bethesda, Maryland. Disappeared three weeks ago. Sixteen years old. BRENNAN: (studies the file and the picture of Sarah attached at the top of the page) Sarah Koskoff. She fits Epps's victim profile perfectly. (Cut to: Booth's vehicle driving over a bridge near the Jefferson Memorial. The sound of a ringing office phone overlaps the scene.) (Cut to: Brennan's office, where she picks up her telephone receiver) BRENNAN: Brennan. BOOTH: (voice on the other end of the call) Yeah, Bones, it's me. (Cut to: Booth in his vehicle, driving while talking on his cell phone) BOOTH: Listen, I talked to Sarah Koskoff's parents. They said her dream was to own her own beauty shop. She worked for a hair salon in the city. (Cut to: Brennan, on her phone) BRENNAN: Don't tell me. (Cut back to Booth in his car) BOOTH: Yep. "M" Salon, Cleveland Park. Owned by Caroline Mapother. (Cut back to Brennan in her office, nodding as she sees the connection) BRENNAN: Now known as Caroline Epps. (Cut back to Booth in his car) BOOTH: You know, you remember when I was nice to her and you weren't? This is why. (Cut to: "M" Salon. A close-up of a framed photograph of Caroline and Howard Epps sits next to the cash register.) CAROLINE: Thank you. (gives a customer her change and continues working as the customer exits and Booth enters) BOOTH: (still standing near the door, a benign smile on his face) Hi. CAROLINE: (looks up from her desk, surprised to see him) Hi. (Booth flips the "Yes, We're Open" sign on the door to "Closed - Please Call Again") CAROLINE: Is - is Howard okay? BOOTH: Howard's fine, Mrs. Epps. You don't have to worry about anything. (still casual, leaning against one of the glass shelves nearby) I couldn't help but notice the "Help Wanted" sign in the window. Did you recently lose one of your employees? CAROLINE: (makes her way from behind the counter and continues her work, returning items to a stylist's station) It's, uh, hard to keep help that doesn't steal from you. BOOTH: (intentionally laid-back, handling a bottle of hair product and glancing at his fingernails for a moment before looking at Caroline) Sarah Koskoff steal from you? (Caroline stops what she's doing for a moment, looking up at herself in the mirror in front of her, then meeting Booth's eyes from the mirror's vantage point) CAROLINE: No. Why? (resumes her work) What did she do? (Booth's face is serious - no more games now) BOOTH: She died. (Caroline freezes, her brow furrowing - she turns slowly to gaze at Booth) BOOTH: You know, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you ... but when was the last time you saw her? CAROLINE: Uh, three weeks ago. She just ... stopped coming to work. She - she died? BOOTH: Did you ever, uh, talk to Howard about her? (he lowers himself onto one of the styling chairs, swiveling minutely as he watches Caroline, intently studying her reactions) CAROLINE: (confused) Uh, I don't know. Maybe. BOOTH: Howard ever see a picture of Sarah? CAROLINE: (visibly uncomfortable now) I - I don't like this. What's going on? BOOTH: She was found buried face down in an abandoned mine. Back of her head bashed in; wrists, ankles tied. Your husband's M.O. (As she turns back to face the mirror, Caroline's face reads as somewhat saddened, but it's difficult to tell yet if the sorrow is genuine) CAROLINE: Poor Sarah. (she spies a picture of herself and Howard, on the station table in front of her) But Howard - Howard has been in prison for the last seven years. (she turns back to Booth) How could he kill anyone? BOOTH: He has an accomplice. CAROLINE: You think it's me? BOOTH: You love your husband. CAROLINE: I love the good in Howard. I reject the evil. (smiles with genuine joy) We're going to have a child together. I've petitioned the court to let Howard donate. BOOTH: Yeah. (clears throat) I have a search warrant here for your home and your shop. CAROLINE: You don't need a search warrant. (Booth blinks, but says nothing) You can look anywhere you want, because you won't find anything. (Now it's Caroline who's making the benign face at Booth) (Cut to: Brennan's office. Brennan is sitting up, legs stretched out on her couch, listening to Booth talk as she looks pensively at the necklace found in Sarah Koskoff's shoe. Booth is perched near the couch arm at the end of the sofa, gazing at the floor, somber.) BOOTH: Sarah Koskoff was hung upside down before she was killed. That suggests the torture route. (pause) And I was hoping ... it was in the basement of a beauty salon. (Brennan looks up at him) But, uh, my agents, they didn't find anything. (finally meets her eyes and notices that Brennan is fiddling with something) What's that? BRENNAN: Religious medal. (hands it over to him) Sarah had it in her possession. BOOTH: St. Agnes. Patron saint of young women ... especially those who remain pure. BRENNAN: How do you know all that? BOOTH: I'm Catholic, Bones. (he hands the medal back to her) BRENNAN: (reads inscription on the medal) S.A.H.S. BOOTH: Yeah, St. Agnes High School. (considers this a moment) Except ... I think Sarah Koskoff went to public school. Oh, God. BRENNAN: (sits up and leans toward him) What? What does that mean? BOOTH: It means ... I have to go talk to a nun. (Cut to: Booth's office at the F.B.I. A nun with a narrow, well-lined face and a meticulous demeanor sits across from Booth at his desk.) SISTER KAREN DUNNE: We have no student at St. Agnes named Sarah Koskoff. BOOTH: Maybe she's a friend of one of your girls. DUNNE: As soon as you called me last night, we implemented a telephone tree asking precisely that question. No response. BOOTH: Do the names Howard Epps, Caroline Epps, Caroline Mapother mean anything to you? DUNNE: May I have the keyboard? BOOTH: (quickly accommodating) Yes, Sister. Yeah, of course. Here. (chuckles nervously) (Booth looks on, but the nun pauses - she clearly does not want him to watch what she types) DUNNE: (reproachful look) I need to enter a password. BOOTH: Oh, yeah. I'll be right over here. (swivels in his chair so he's not looking at the monitor or her typing) I'm Catholic. I - I go to mass every Sunday. (anxiously fiddling with his hands) Well, almost every Sunday. I'm very trustworthy. (On the monitor, an online database labeled St. Agnes High School pops up a black box that reads "No Match.") DUNNE: Nobody by any of those names. (Booth turns back in his chair to face her again) I feel that I have been very patient in regard to not asking what this is about. BOOTH: Oh, yeah. (reaches into his pocket for the jewelry) Murder victim. A young girl was, uh, found with this religious medal. (The nun takes the medal from Booth and examines it closely a few seconds before she recognizes its origin and sharply looks up at Booth in surprise and apprehension.) DUNNE: Helen Majors. BOOTH: Helen Majors. Who's that? DUNNE: This golden medal is given to the Holy Spirit Award winner every year. I presented this medal to Helen Majors myself. BOOTH: (respectfully) May we ... please ... see Helen Majors? Talk to her? DUNNE: Helen left school three days ago. No one has seen her since. (Booth looks concerned) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: A photograph in Brennan's hand - a scene from the Holy Spirit Award presentation between Sister Karen Dunne and Helen Majors, both women standing behind a podium, smiling. Brennan is riding passenger-side in Booth's vehicle as he drives.) BRENNAN: Three days ago, Helen had that medal. Yesterday, we found it with Sarah Koskoff's dead body. It's possible Helen is still alive. BOOTH: We have Caroline Epps under surveillance. (his cell phone rings; Booth reaches into his suit coat pocket) BRENNAN: (exasperated sigh) I hate this. BOOTH: (answering his phone) Booth. BRENNAN: I don't want to find that girl's remains in some mine, Booth. BOOTH: (glances at her as he listens to the caller speaking) Reiner Hatin? Address. 7408 Haskell Street, Cleveland Park. (hangs up his cell phone and reaches for the C.B. radio handset) Uh, 22705 to Control. I'm en route to a possible H.R.T. incident at 7408 Haskell Street. Requesting backup. MAN ON RADIO: Affirmative, 22705. 7408 Haskell. BRENNAN: (looks to Booth, uncertain what all that means) What? BOOTH: Epps's prison letters log show in the last year he wrote six letters to a man by the name of Reiner Hatin at that address. Caroline Epps might not be Epps's accomplice after all. (Brennan reaches up near the roof of Booth's vehicle, poking around) What are you doing? BRENNAN: Where's the siren on this thing? BOOTH: (slaps her hand away) Don't touch - (gives her a look that says "Do I mess with your stuff?" as he turns on the siren himself) (Cut to: Siren still wailing as their vehicle pulls into the neighborhood of 7408 Haskell Street. Booth and Brennan both get out of the vehicle.) BOOTH: Okay, Bones, I'm going in. You're gonna wait outside. BRENNAN: Booth- BOOTH: (thinks she's protesting) No, I don't want to hear it. All right? (pulls out his weapon and racks the slide, before positioning his hands on the weapon, preparing to use it if necessary) When backup arrives, tell 'em there's a federal agent inside. BRENNAN: (gesturing, but Booth is not paying attention to her) But, the- BOOTH: (looks around) Which one is it? (Brennan clears her throat and points behind them) BOOTH: Great. A vacant lot. BRENNAN: I tried to tell you. (They both stand there, frustrated and back to square one for the time being, as police cars pull up to the scene, lights flashing and sirens wailing.) END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE (Cut to: Prison where Epps resides. Booth and Brennan are back in the visiting room with him.) EPPS: Did you hear? I'm gonna be a father. The judge granted our petition for artificial insemination. (turns to Brennan, looking mildly smug) When I make my donation to the baby bank, I'm gonna be thinking about you. (Brennan looks repulsed) BOOTH: Who's Reiner Hatin? EPPS: Oh, Reiner. (starts speaking German, which Booth doesn't understand but Brennan seems to) BOOTH: The letters were addressed to a vacant lot. EPPS: I must've written the address down wrong. I'm slightly dyslexic, you know. BOOTH: (leans in, all casual) Hey, come here. (Epps leans in slightly, too) You know, I really enjoyed - (he reaches under the table and yanks on Epps's body chain, forcing Howard forward until his head hits the table) - playing your game. (The side of Howard's face is pressed against the tabletop, and Booth leans in close, starting out with a harsh whisper that elevates with his anger) Now, you know what? There is a girl out there, hanging upside down with duct tape over her mouth! BRENNAN: Booth, let him go. (puts her hand on Booth's shoulder, trying to reach him through his anger) Let him go! (Booth lets go and stands up in one violent swoop, turning to exit the room. Epps sits up slowly, at first hunched over, then nonchalantly straightening to full height in his chair. He seems more amused by Booth's fury, not upset at all. As Booth leaves, Brennan bends forward to face Epps, eye to eye.) BRENNAN: For all your ... faults, Mister Epps, you were never interested in letting your victims suffer. You didn't torture them. You're not that kind of man. (Epps blinks but says nothing, so Brennan presses further) She's an innocent child. EPPS: (his face a bit more menacing now) She's a young woman ... and there's no such thing as an innocent woman. Look within yourself. You know I'm right. (smiles indecipherably) You know, I'm just guessing here, you understand, but I think you'll find that Helen Majors has less than 24 hours to live. (Brennan sits back, considering this information) EPPS: (sing-songs, with a sliver of a smirk on his lips) Better get going. (As Brennan gets up from the table, she "accidentally" jerks the chain with her foot, slamming Epps headfirst to the table surface again.) BRENNAN: (looks back at him unapologetically, with contempt) Sorry. (As she leaves the room, Epps winces for a brief second before sitting up and laughing maniacally) (Fade to: Brennan's office - Angela is sitting, placing markers on a skull, as Brennan paces.) ANGELA: What are you asking me for? BRENNAN: You said you've dealt with manipulative men before. ANGELA: Sweetie, this is a psycho killer, not some loser who wants you to cosign a loan for his Jet Ski. BRENNAN: Epps is pushing me around, Ange. He's in control. I hate that. (plops down in a chair, facing Angela, who smiles knowingly) ANGELA: You know, Epps is acting kind of like a boyfriend. BRENNAN: (half-laughs, incredulous) What? ANGELA: Well, you obviously fascinate him. He can't have you, and he can't kill you. (Brennan is listening now) So ... he wants to make you hate yourself. BRENNAN: God, Ange. What kind of boyfriends have you had? ANGELA: (mild smile) Let's keep the focus on you and Epps, okay? BRENNAN: (smiles back, nodding) Okay. ANGELA: Epps knows that you'll never forgive yourself if you don't find Helen Majors before she's murdered. BRENNAN: Not only is Helen being tortured, but ... her family must be in agony. ANGELA: You see? This is what he's doing. (leans forward, speaking with a gentle tone) He's putting pictures in your mind. He's messing with your objectivity. BRENNAN: There's nothing I can do about that. (she looks down, miserable) ANGELA: You have to step back, okay? (Brennan looks up again, meeting Angela's eyes) Let the rest of us deal with the families. You find Helen. That'll keep Epps from ... getting a Jet Ski outta you. (Brennan smiles at Angela gratefully) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Brennan is studying evidence on a computer monitor, as Booth weaves his way to her work station.) BOOTH: Bones. Caroline Epps - not an accomplice. She was at work when Helen Majors was kidnapped. BRENNAN: (speaking German, quoting from the phrase Epps used) "Alter Freund mit ahnlichem Geschmack." BOOTH: Yeah, whatever. BRENNAN: It means "old friend with similar tastes" in German. BOOTH: (skeptical) Oh, no. Epps tellin' us the name of his accomplice? That's too easy. (he starts to walk away) BRENNAN: Well, if it's too easy, then why can't we find him? (she gets up and joins him) BOOTH: You know what? He talked about impregnating Caroline. BRENNAN: (frustrated groan) What is with Caroline Epps? I mean, why have a child with a monster like him? What is she gonna tell the child when it grows up? "Hi, your daddy's a monster." BOOTH: (pauses at the top of the stairs) Look look look. Time out. You gotta detach from this, all right? We let Epps get under our skin, it's exactly what he wants. BRENNAN: Zack was right. Epps is trying to break us. (they head down the stairs from the platform) Not only did we save his life, but he is still killing. HODGINS: (strides over quickly, joining Booth and Brennan as they walk) I found traces of ethylene oxide and high levels of an antibacterial agent on Sarah's ankles. Also, polymer residue found in Polygenex latex glove liners used by people who handle toxic substances. BRENNAN: Airport screeners, cops- BOOTH: Wait - prison guards? (stops walking and pulls out his cell phone from his pants pocket) (Brennan and Hodgins stop walking and turn back to look at Booth, as Zack walks up with a file of notes and a photograph) ZACK: Lauren Hathaway was a nationally ranked junior golfer in 1997. (Hodgins sits down at a computer as Brennan takes the photo from Zack and studies it) BOOTH: (talking on his phone) Yeah, it's Booth. I need to know if Howard Epps ever had a prison guard by the name of Reiner Hatin. ZACK: She disappeared on May ninth, after leaving the Southampton Country Club in Raleigh, North Carolina. BOOTH: (still on his phone) Check and see if any guard changed his name. (Booth's eyes meet Brennan's) BRENNAN: Reiner is German for "pure." Epps has a thing about that. BOOTH: (to his cell phone) Translate the name and see if that comes back in any form. Then get back to me. (hangs up his phone and reaches for the photograph) This the victim from the park? ZACK: (to Brennan) Her father is in your office. BRENNAN: (stunned) What? BOOTH: Why didn't you say that? ZACK: You were on the phone. BRENNAN: Booth. (clearly upset) I can't do this one. Maybe Angela can help. (She avoids his eyes, turning instead to look again at the picture of the girl) BOOTH: (softly) All right. I'll take care of it. (Cut to: Brennan's office. Angela sits on the couch with Lauren's father, GRANT HATHAWAY, as Booth sits in a chair across from him.) GRANT HATHAWAY: My wife died five years after Lauren disappeared. I think - because she just gave up hope. (long pause) Part of me is glad she's not here today for this. ANGELA: (as gently as possible) We're sorry for your loss, Mister Hathaway. (he nods) For both your losses. BOOTH: When Lauren disappeared, the police originally suspected her golf coach. HATHAWAY: Yes. He'd had an affair with one of his students the year before. Ironically, his alibi was that he was with another student. BOOTH: Does the name Reiner Hatin mean anything to you? HATHAWAY: (shakes his head) No. ANGELA: Do you recognize this man? (she holds up a photo of Howard Epps in his prison orange jumpsuit, which Hathaway takes and studies) HATHAWAY: No. (upset now) I'm not helping, am I? ANGELA: (calmly) That photograph is current. (Booth nods minutely, appreciating her approach) Here are some drawings that show what he might've looked like 10 years ago. HATHAWAY: Hmm. (Booth watches closely as Angela shows the man one sketch, then another - the third one triggers something) Yes. That one. He was a - a greenskeeper at the club. He helped us load the car one day. I remember because he told Lauren she looked just like his mother when she was young. (Angela glances at Booth) It was an odd thing to say. (distraught) I told the police about him when she disappeared. Why didn't they arrest him? (Lauren's father appears close to tears, as Angela and Booth exchange a look.) (Cut to: Booth and Cam walking down a hallway in the Medico Legal Lab.) BOOTH: (certain now, resolute) Caroline Epps. She knows something. She just won't talk to me. CAM: Why? BOOTH: I'm a man, last time I checked. CAM: (smirks a little) But she'll talk to a woman? BOOTH: That's my thinking. CAM: Fine. I'll do it. BOOTH: Oh, no. You can't sarcasm it out of her. (Cam rolls her eyes good-naturedly) You have to connect. CAM: You don't wanna send Brennan? BOOTH: No - Angela. CAM: (surprised and unconvinced) Angela's an artist, an expert in 3-D reconstruction. BOOTH: Well, unlike you and Bones, Angela is, uh- CAM: (tilts her head, waiting) What? BOOTH: (small grin) She's better with the living than she is the dead. CAM: Fine. I'll go tell her what she's just volunteered for. BOOTH: Thank you. (grins widely now) (Cam shakes her head, rolling her eyes at him as she walks away.) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Angela and Caroline Epps enter and sit at a table.) ANGELA: Thanks for coming. CAROLINE: (anxiously) I've told your people everything I know. I don't see the point of this. ANGELA: I know this is disturbing. (she pauses, searching for the right words) I find it very upsetting, and I'm ... not married to the man who did it. CAROLINE: I love Howard, Miss Montenegro. ANGELA: (nods) I believe you. CAROLINE: (her expression shifts to one of appreciation) No one's ever said that to me. ANGELA: I think you'd have to love him very much ... to be willing to overlook what he's done. CAROLINE: Done in the past. ANGELA: The thing is, we're not so sure that it was in the past. (she pulls out some sketches of Epps's victims) For Howard, it's obvious what he likes. Blonde girls. CAROLINE: Not me, you mean. ANGELA: Men can't hide what they like. For Howard, it's this. CAROLINE: Men can change what they look at. ANGELA: Does Howard ever just look at you - (smiles) - as though you just feel his eyes adoring you? (Caroline's face falls, pained) CAROLINE: He - he asks for magazines, DVDs. He's - he's very specific. ANGELA: He likes blonde girls. CAROLINE: (forced laugh) Always the blonde girls. (she looks up at Angela, her face hopeful) M-maybe if I - if I dyed my hair- ANGELA: (saddened by Caroline's desperation to please Epps) I'm sorry. (pauses, trying to change the subject delicately) I have to ask you something ... Have you ever delivered any messages for Howard? CAROLINE: Don't you miss them? ANGELA: I'm sorry? CAROLINE: (struggling to get the words out) I wrote the message "Don't you miss them?" on a - on a - on a piece of paper, and slipped it into a mailbox. ANGELA: Whose mailbox? CAROLINE: Um, a man named Henry Gerber who Howard knew from prison. Howard calls Henry "The Mad German." ANGELA: When did you deliver the message? CAROLINE: F - five days ago. ANGELA: Thank you. (moves to get up from the table) CAROLINE: (reaches out to Angela, stopping her) C - Can - can - will you sit with me ... just a moment longer? (her eyes are filled with tears) ANGELA: (pauses) I'm - I have to make a phone call. You understand? (Angela is uncomfortable, but compassionately places her hands over Caroline's) But after that, I'll sit with you ... as long as you like. (Caroline looks appreciative as Angela gets up and walks away) (Cut to: Booth busting through the door of a house, Brennan following right behind him - HENRY GERBER is sitting in front of the television, watching a pornographic film.) BOOTH: (gun drawn, pointed at Gerber) F.B.I. Hands in the air. (Gerber raises his hands gradually) That's it. (gestures to the left) Now move over there slowly. (Gerber makes a move to lower one of his hands) Ah! Keep your hands where I can see 'em. GERBER: I can't do both. BRENNAN: (notices something her partner hasn't) Booth. (Booth approaches Gerber guardedly, his gun pointed at the man. As Booth makes his way around the couch, Gerber watches him, hands still up in the air.) BOOTH: Easy. (When Booth comes around the couch in a half-circle, he sees the man is actually sitting in a wheelchair.) BOOTH: Aw, geez. Where's Henry Gerber? GERBER: (irritated) I'm Henry Gerber. (Brennan and Booth stand there, confused.) END OF ACT THREE ACT FOUR (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform. The entire team is gathered to discuss the case.) BRENNAN: (standing) There is no way a man in a wheelchair could have killed Sarah Koskoff or swapped hamate bones with Lauren Hathaway. BOOTH: (also standing, pouring over a case file) All right, Epps got us again, huh? Gerber's paralyzed from the waist down because Epps knifed him just before he was paroled. (slaps file down on a table and looks up at Brennan) HODGINS: (sitting) So, what? His message "Don't you miss them?" meant what, his legs? ZACK: (also sitting, but with an admiring look on his face) Epps is good. (Hodgins stares at him, incredulous) Not morally, of course. But it's a classic feint-and-parry misdirect, delivered via his wife. BOOTH: (serious and slightly irritated) He gets off on screwing with people's lives. (Zack turns solemn) BRENNAN: Where are we on Reiner Hatin? BOOTH: Nowhere. (he aimlessly moves about the platform, discouraged) ZACK: I had some thoughts. Perhaps the point isn't that German is a different language, but that it's actually a different language. (Hodgins stands up - he and Brennan intellectually consider Zack's double-speak while Booth turns, annoyed) BOOTH: (sarcastic) Great. Thanks, Zack, for being so helpful. BRENNAN: (to Zack) Go on. ZACK: More broadly speaking, I mean, like an anagram or an inner or secret language. (turns to his computer monitor) These are phrases I found in English. Perhaps in German... BRENNAN: No, the whole German thing was a ruse. If it's anywhere, it's here. HODGINS: "Rant Herein I." (shrugs) You know, like inner schizophrenic voices. ZACK: "Are Inner Hit" could mean - (shakes head) - I don't really do the poetry thing. BOOTH: (stepping forward to take a look) "Neither Rain." No. Neither ... "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dead of night." (he looks to Brennan for confirmation) BRENNAN: (nodding) The postal service motto. (Zack nods his agreement, too) HODGINS: Hey, the guy's all about sending messages. BOOTH: Mail to an empty lot. Messages dropped in mail slots. HODGINS: (making the connection) Postal workers wear Polygenex gloves. BRENNAN: Who received the letters Epps sent to that empty lot? (Cut to: Angela's desk, panning from her telephone at the forefront of her desk to where she sits, flanked by Booth and Brennan as they listen to a voice on the speaker phone.) MAN AT POST OFFICE: Letters with an invalid address and no return address go to the dead letter office. BRENNAN: Who has access? MAN: Uh, sorting staff and the mail carrier for that route. BOOTH: Stream us a route which includes 7408 Haskell Street, Cleveland Park, right? MAN: Yes. But there is no 7408 Haskell Street. ANGELA: (receiving the data on her computer) Got it. (Booth and Brennan lean in to take a closer look at the route marked on the map) BOOTH: Hey, that's Caroline Epps's beauty salon. (the salon's name is labeled on the map) BRENNAN: (sees another marker) That's St. Agnes High School. ANGELA: The killer picked his victims from a postal route. BOOTH: Tell us the name of the mail carrier. MAN: I can do better than that. All I ask is that when this goes to the press, nobody uses the word "disgruntled." (The post office employee forwards a picture of the mail carrier - it's a familiar face. The screen whites out, flashing to the beginning scene, where the dog owner says to Booth and Brennan, "I - I'm so sorry. He - he's never done anything like this." Flash back to the present moment.) BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah, I got him. ANGELA: What? BRENNAN: That's the guy who found the first body. BOOTH: He found it because he knew where it was buried. Let's go. (Angela gapes as the other two leave the room) (Cut to: Booth kicks in the door to Gil Lappin's home and enters, gun at the ready. Gil's dog Buddy is there, barking loudly, teeth bared.) BOOTH: (freezes where he stands) Whoa. BRENNAN: (stands next to Booth, not moving a muscle either) Oh, great. Him again. I'll need a pine cone. BOOTH: (steps forward, pointing his gun at the dog, shouting) Listen, dog, I will shoot you in the head if you don't cut it out right now! (the dog sits immediately, whining, so Booth lowers his gun, relieved) Oh. (Cut to: Booth opening the door to a room in Gil Lappin's house. When he sees the room is safe, he lowers his gun. He and Brennan are grim as they survey the collage of victims' photos all over the walls.) BRENNAN: (stunned) Oh. BOOTH: (disgusted) God. I hate the serial killer wall of death. BRENNAN: (pointing to a smiling face in a photo) This is Sarah Koskoff. BOOTH: (gesturing too) Helen Majors. BRENNAN: They were so young, so innocent. (picks up a photo) And Lauren Hathaway. (Cut to: Close-up on the photograph of the young golfer as the scene switches to Booth's vehicle, at night. Booth is driving, and Brennan is sitting, passenger-side.) BRENNAN: Southampton Country Club. That's where Epps and his accomplice met. Lappin maintained the golf carts. (she dials a number on the car's cell phone) BOOTH: (frustrated and tense) He's winning, Bones. All right? We're this close to saving Helen Majors's life. We're running out of time. HODGINS: (voice heard over the cell phone speaker) Yeah. BRENNAN: Hodgins, it's me. (Cut to: Hodgins at the Medico Legal Lab, where he sits at a desk, phone held up to his ear) BRENNAN: (voice heard from over Hodgins' phone) Is there anything you can tell us about where Sarah Koskoff was held - (Cut back to Brennan in the car, on the phone) BRENNAN: (continues) - before her body was dumped in the gypsum mine? (Cut back to Hodgins at the lab) HODGINS: The only substance I can't explain is ethylene oxide. (Cut back to Brennan and Booth in the car, listening intently) BRENNAN: Well, what about the ethylene oxide, plus ... the antibacterial agents? (Cut back to Hodgins at the lab, as he puts the call on speakerphone and sets down the receiver) HODGINS: (shaking his head, getting frustrated) It - it could be a lot of things. (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car, exchanging a tense look; cut back to Hodgins in the lab as he stands up) HODGINS: I'll set up a statistical model, give you four or five scenarios. (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car. Booth is out of patience.) BOOTH: There is NO time. A girl's life is at stake here. (Cut back to Hodgins in the lab, his head bowed, listening to Booth's angry voice on the speakerphone. Hodgins' work has never had so much on the line before - all his previous research has involved general locations, or victims who were already dead.) BOOTH: Just give me your best guess right now! (Cut quickly from Booth in the car, to Hodgins in the lab) HODGINS: (bracing himself against the edge of the desk, visibly upset, almost yelling now) I can't just guess! I have a process! (He drops his head, emotionally distraught and intense) (Cut to Booth in the car, waiting, and back to Hodgins, who lifts his head and admits his fear) HODGINS: What if I guess and the girl dies? (shakes his head emphatically) No. No way! (He stands up and puts his hands on his hips, freaked out, as Angela enters the area, approaching Hodgins carefully, alarmed to see him this way - Booth's voice can be heard over the speakerphone again) BOOTH: All right. Simmer down, Hodgins. We're all - we're all just trying to do our best in this situation right now. (Hodgins covers his mouth with one hand, listening, stressed out) ANGELA: Jack. (Hodgins looks up at her) (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car) BRENNAN: Hodgins, are you still there? (Cut back to the lab, where Hodgins returns his focus to the phone, distracted by Brennan's question) ANGELA: Hey. (Hodgins turns to her, tense and shaken) Pretend it's me asking, okay? (she is calm and smiling) Look, we're just exchanging theories here at work like always. (Hodgins blinks, visibly calming down) Two substances, right? Put them in the same place at the same time. (his breathing is more controlled now; he's settling down and listening to what she's saying) Either they mean something or they don't. (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car) BOOTH: Hodgins, you there, buddy? (Cut back to Hodgins in the lab, losing his concentration, tensing up again, his fingers pressing against his forehead) HODGINS: Yeah. (voice desperate) Just give me a second, please. (Cut to Booth in the car, irritated now) BOOTH: We don't have a second! (Cut back to Angela and Hodgins in the lab. The extra pressure from Booth is not helping things - Hodgins looks up at the ceiling, stressed out and upset, while Angela attempts to keep her cool.) ANGELA: (tightening her hands into fists, trying to be as diplomatic as possible) Booth, do you think you could just ... stop talking, please? (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car. Booth gives Brennan an edgy look, but gives in and stays quiet.) (Cut back to Angela in the lab, trying to get Hodgins to calm down and focus again. She looks to him, her face tranquil and expectant; he takes a breath.) HODGINS: Okay. All right. (searching the facts) Uh, antibacterial agents. And uh, he - he's a postal worker. ANGELA: Okay. HODGINS: (frustrated sigh) Uh- ANGELA: (encouraging) What else, Jack? (Hodgins looks at her, shaking his head, thinking) (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car. Booth leans forward a bit as he drives, waiting, anxious but silent.) (Cut back to Hodgins as he looks upon Angela's face while considering the scientific possibilities) HODGINS: Anthrax. (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car. Booth nods encouragement that Hodgins can't see.) BRENNAN: Anthrax? (Cut back to Hodgins in the lab, his eyes still fixed intently on Angela's. He breaks the gaze and turns to face the phone, to explain.) HODGINS: After the Anthrax attacks in 2001, the post office shut down several ... sorting centers. (Cut to Booth in the car, listening carefully, trying to see the angle) BOOTH: (nodding) Okay. All right. (Cut back to the lab - Hodgins is still staring at the telephone) ANGELA: Tell me. (Hodgins looks up at her again - it's all coming together) HODGINS: Uh, they used ethylene oxide and this antibacterial ... agent, to - (turns his attention back to the phone) - That's how they cleaned 'em. Not all of 'em reopened. (Cut to Brennan in the car, considering this information) BRENNAN: So, it's possible Sarah was kept at an abandoned sorting center. (she looks to Booth) (Cut to Hodgins in the lab, his eyes on Angela again) HODGINS: Yes. (he smiles at Angela, who smiles radiantly back at him as he turns to the telephone, nodding) Yes, it is. (he's breathing heavily) (Cut to Brennan and Booth in the car) BOOTH: I knew you'd come through for me, buddy. Good work. (Cut back to the lab, where Angela is smiling and nodding at Hodgins supportively) HODGINS: Whew. (he's relieved and smiling back at Angela, immensely grateful) (Cut to: Booth's vehicle moving down the street, at night.) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan entering an abandoned sorting center, Booth taking the lead, his gun ready. Brennan is behind him, carrying a flashlight.) BOOTH: (sighs) All right. (he reaches down to his ankle, pulls out a small pistol from a hidden holster, and hands it to Brennan begrudgingly) Here. BRENNAN: I didn't even have to ask. (They slowly make their way through the center, Booth attentively checking for potential hiding places and shadows) BOOTH: Yeah, well, just be careful, all right? Don't shoot me. Don't shoot Helen Majors. Otherwise - (he shuts up at the sound of chains rattling and exchanges a look with Brennan - the sound is coming from up ahead, potentially from an upper level reachable by a metal ladder or around a dark corner where there are a couple of entryways) (Booth advances slowly, cautiously, his eyes everywhere. Both Brennan and Booth reach the entryway and peer inside - they see Helen Majors, crying softly, hanging upside down by her ankles from a length of chain.) HELEN MAJORS: Please? (they make their way around in order to reach her as she calls to them again, sobbing) Please? (Booth and Brennan run to her, Booth holstering his gun as they come to the area where Helen is hanging) BOOTH: Helen? HELEN: (crying) Please - please help me. (Brennan switches on a nearby light as Booth reaches Helen) BOOTH: All right. Okay. (Helen is hyperventilating) Take it easy. I got you. (he holds her from underneath, supporting her back, shoulders and hips, easing her down slowly as Brennan helps to lower the chain) I got you, I got you, all right? (he gently lays her down on the ground) Where is he? HELEN: He just left. I don't know where he went. BOOTH: (intensely insistent) Bones, stay here with her. Stay right there. (he pulls out his gun again and exits the room) HELEN: (looking to Brennan) Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. (Brennan kneels down beside the girl and looks over to the space where Booth just exited) (Cut to a long shadowy hallway within the sorting center, as Booth makes his way, searching for the kidnapper. He advances slowly, shining his flashlight here and there, illuminating dark corners and spaces. He turns his head for one moment, and as he rounds the corner, turning his head to focus forward again, Gil Lappin jumps out at him from the shadows. He viciously strikes Booth in the arm with a crowbar, knocking him down, sending Booth's gun and flashlight clattering away. He swings at Booth a second time, his crowbar connecting with the cement floor as Booth rolls out of the way. Lappin aims once more, slamming his crowbar down, but Booth has rolled again, trying to get away from him. This time, Booth is out of room to roll. As Lappin raises the crowbar one final time, ready to strike Booth, a gunshot sounds. Groaning, Lappin twists partway, stunned as he sees his shooter - Brennan. She holds her gun and flashlight on him, her eyes wide and round, as blood oozes from Lappin's mouth. Gurgling, he drops the crowbar, which hits the cement with a loud clank that echoes throughout the building. Lappin collapses to the ground near Booth.) (Booth gasps, breathing hard as he tries to sit up. He looks over to Brennan, who is still advancing toward Booth and Lappin, gun and flashlight held out as if her arms were locked in that position.) BOOTH: Is he dead? (Brennan is wide-eyed as Booth sits up just far enough to feel the side of Lappin's neck) BOOTH: Yeah, he's dead. (he falls back over, groaning) (Only then does Brennan let go, dropping her arms to her sides, visibly relieved. Her mouth is still open, shocked at what she has just done. Lappin's eyes are still open but he does not move. He is truly dead and she has killed him.) BOOTH: (pulls himself to a sitting position, holding his injured arm delicately) God. BRENNAN: (dazed) I had to shoot him. BOOTH: (breathing heavily) Yeah. (his eyes meet hers) I'm glad you did. (Brennan still looks distraught, as the scene dissolves into hazy light.) (The image comes back into focus at the prison, where Epps sits in the visiting room.) EPPS: Well done. (Booth and Brennan stand before him - Booth's hand is in a soft cast, bandaged halfway up his arm) Really. BOOTH: Game's over, Howie. EPPS: (looking mildly pleased with himself) Yes. I won. BRENNAN: Only if you wanted your accomplice dead. (she sits down warily) EPPS: Lappin's dead? BOOTH: (remains standing) Shot resisting arrest. EPPS: (has an intense look on his face) Who shot him? BRENNAN: Hmm. (she does not immediately look Epps in the eye) EPPS: It was you, wasn't it? (Brennan lifts her chin in slight defiance but says nothing) You shot him? (Epps stares at her, his eyes staying on her face almost the entire time he talks) Did he take long to die? (she says nothing, clenching her jaw) Did he suffer? (Booth's eyes narrow) This is better than I hoped. (looks to Booth) I thought it would be you. (turns back to Brennan) How did it feel? Dirty, yes? But there's also a rush. (close-up on Brennan who remains quiet) Pleasure. (he leans forward a little) Part of you liked it. (Booth glances at Brennan out of the corners of his eyes, checking to see if she's okay) BRENNAN: This whole game was to have us kill someone? (Booth returns his focus to Epps, squinting at him, studying, silent) EPPS: Who's gonna tell Lappin's mom? She loves him very much, you know. (he stares at Brennan, face devoid of any human emotion, except maybe morbid curiosity) Without her son, she'll be completely alone in this sad world. (Brennan looks like she understands what that feels like) BOOTH: We're done with you. You're never gonna see us again. (looks to Brennan) Come on. (Brennan gives Epps one last hard look before she rises from her chair) EPPS: (eyes never leaving Brennan's) I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that, Agent Booth. (Booth stares Epps down as Brennan passes to exit the room. He then follows her out the door. Epps smiles.) (Fade to: Lounge area in the Jeffersonian, upper level of the Medico Legal Lab. Brennan sits alone on a couch, hunched over, glass in hand. Booth stands at the top of the stairs, jacket in hand.) BOOTH: Vodka? BRENNAN: (laughs) It's water. But it's - (she shakes the glass, ice rattling around inside) - on the rocks. BOOTH: You know, Bones, I'm not sure you grasp the basic theory on how to get drunk. Hey ... (he groans as he lays his coat over his injured arm, reaching for a chair with the other hand, pulling it over) ... what you need to do is order a shot of hard liquor ... (he sets the chair down) ... from a bartender named Shaky. (he grins as he sits and settles himself in the chair) And tell him to, uh, leave the bottle on the bar. (he gives her a knowing look) BRENNAN: I'm fine, Booth. (he nods slightly, indulging her) I'm sitting here thinking about it, and ... I'm fine. (Booth raises his eyebrows at her - she clears her throat) BOOTH: Okay. (smirks) So what I'm gettin' from you here, Bones, is that you're fine. (He knows better and the look on his face tells her so) BRENNAN: (looks away and picks up a photograph of Sarah Koskoff) He murdered Sarah. He was about to murder Helen. (Booth swallows but says nothing, waiting, letting her get it off her chest) You know, why should I feel upset about shooting him? You know, I mean, if I was going to be upset, which I'm not ... it would be because Epps thinks he beat us, so- BOOTH: He didn't. BRENNAN: I know. BOOTH: You're upset because you think he beat us. (Brennan looks up at him) You know what? (he nods as she looks away) He did. BRENNAN: (looks up at him again, surprised) Beat us? BOOTH: (still nodding) Yeah. BRENNAN: Well, you just said that he didn't. BOOTH: Well, I changed my mind. BRENNAN: What, in the last three seconds? BOOTH: You know, you're afraid that Epps turned you into him - into a killer. (she's listening, concerned, scared) You have to come to grips with the fact that you killed another human being. (Booth pauses, his turn to look down for a moment) Because when you kill someone, you know, there's a cost. (he meets her eyes again) It's a steep cost. (he pauses, voice subdued) I know. I've done it. BRENNAN: (looks weary) I did the right thing. BOOTH: I know. (Brennan looks up at him, tears in her eyes - Booth takes care to look her in the eye so she knows he means it) I was there. (he smiles at her gently, and she smiles gratefully in return) (She looks down at the photo of Sarah Koskoff again - a big wet tear hits the image) BRENNAN: Oh. Look what I did. (she sniffles) BOOTH: It doesn't matter. BRENNAN: (talking about more than just the teardrop on the photograph) It does. It matters. (Booth nods at her, watching, understanding) BOOTH: I got something for ya. (he reaches into his pocket) BRENNAN: A bottle of hard liquor? BOOTH: (smiles) The next best thing. (He holds out his hand, palm up - it is a small, plastic toy piglet, which Booth holds out to Brennan. He holds it close to her face, and leans in.) BOOTH: Hmm? (chuckles) Meet ... (he leans even closer to her) ... Jasper. (Brennan looks at the pig. Her face is softer now, relaxing. Her eyes meet Booth's and he grins at her. Brennan can't help herself - she laughs and reaches out, taking the pig. As she looks at the toy, amused, Booth smiles at her warmly.) BOOTH: You're gonna be okay. BRENNAN: (looking up at him) Yeah? BOOTH: (unwavering) Definitely. (Brennan looks down at the pig for a moment, thoughtful, and then back at Booth. They smile at each other, a new level of understanding, appreciation and closeness reached.) (Fade to White, then Black) --END OF SHOW-
Plan: A: the lab; Q: Where are the remains of a young girl brought back to? A: the team; Q: Who recognizes this is not just any murder? A: Howard Epps; Q: Who is the serial killer on death row? A: the first season; Q: When did the team first encounter Howard Epps? A: death row; Q: Where was Howard Epps on when he was first encountered? A: another body; Q: What did Howard Epps leave clues leading to? A: only a week old; Q: How old was the body of the young girl that was found? A: Epps' cryptic clues; Q: What do Brennan and her team scramble to decipher? A: his accomplice; Q: Who has been killing for Epps? A: pressure; Q: What is the team under when they realize another victim may be alive? Summary: Skeletal remains of a young girl are found, and when brought back to the lab, the team recognizes this is not just any murder but Howard Epps, who the team encountered in the first season, a convicted serial killer on death row. He left clues leading to another body, a fresh kill only a week old. Brennan and her team scramble to decipher Epps' cryptic clues as they try in a desperate effort to find his accomplice who has been killing for Epps. When they realize another victim may be alive, the team works under pressure to try to find the young girl.
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Master's lair. The camera pans through the chamber and over to the entrance, where Buffy is quietly making her way in, stake in hand. She stops and takes a look around. Slowly she makes her way down to the floor below. She raises the stake to be ready. The camera moves behind a pillar where the Master is hiding. Buffy continues into the lair. She spins around and raises the stake when she senses the Master behind her. He hisses loudly. Buffy freezes with fear and drops the stake. She slowly retreats as the Master advances on her. When she can't retreat any further she watches as the Master reaches out with his hand and clasps it around her neck. She looks up at him as he closes in for the bite. Buffy: NO! NO! Cut to her room. She's having a nightmare. Her mother is sitting on the edge of her bed trying to shake her awake. Buffy: No... Joyce: Yes. Buffy wakes suddenly with her eyes open wide. Joyce: It's time to get up for school. Buffy: Mom? Joyce: Are you alright? Buffy: No. Uh, yeah! Yeah! I'm, I'm fine! Oh... (sits up) School! Great. (gets out of bed) Joyce: You wanna go to school? (stands up) Buffy: Sure! Why not? Joyce: Okay. (opens the blinds) Good day to buy that lottery ticket. I spoke with your father. Buffy: He's coming, right? Joyce: You're on for this weekend. Buffy: Good. Cut to Sunnydale High. Willow: So, do you see your dad a lot? Buffy: Not a whole lot. Cut to the halls. Willow and Buffy walk as they talk. Buffy: He's still in L.A. He, like, comes down for weekends sometimes. Willow: When did they get divorced? Buffy: Well, it wasn't finalized till last year, but they were separated before that. Willow: Musta been harsh. They reach Buffy's locker. Buffy: Yeah, that's the word you're looking for. (works the combination) I-I mean, they were really good about it around me, anyway, but still... Willow: My parents don't even bicker. Sometimes they glare. Do you know why your folks split up? Buffy: (opens her locker) I didn't ask. They just stopped getting along. I'm sure I was a really big help, though, with all the slaying and everything. I was in so much trouble. I was a big mess. Willow: Well, I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with him leaving. Buffy: No. (closes her locker) Willow: And he still comes down on weekends. Buffy: Sometimes. Cut to class. Cordelia is checking her makeup in her mirror. Wendell comes over and stops to look at his paper in the light. Cordelia: Hello? Doofus! (Wendell looks at her) You're in my light. Xander: Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe, and the rest of us merely revolve around her? Cordelia: Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light? The bell rings. Wendell and Xander go to their seats. Willow and Buffy come in. Xander: (to the girls) Uh, Wendell was in Cordelia's light. Wendell: I'm so ashamed. Willow: Why is she so Evita-like? Buffy: I think it's the hair. Willow: (smiles) It weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex. Xander: Hey, guys, was there any homework? Willow: We're doing active listening today. Xander: Cool! What's active listening? Willow: That would be the homework. (they sit) Buffy: Chapter five? Active listening? (shows her book) Where you put on your big ears and really focus on the other person? Wendell: Ms. Tishler demonstrated it yesterday. Willow: With you! Buffy: She was wearing that tight sweater? Xander: Oh, the midnight blue angora! See, I was listening. Willow gives him a look. Ms. Tishler: Alright, take your seats. In a moment we will choose partners and practice what we read about in chapter five. Xander cups his ears with his hands while smiling and shaking his head around. Ms. Tishler: Good, Xander, that's the spirit! Willow and Buffy give each other amused looks. Ms. Tishler: Before we do, let's review. Isaacson's research led him to conclude that one of our most fundamental needs after food and shelter is to be heard. Buffy drops her pencil and bends down to pick it up. Ms. Tishler: Wendell, would you read the first two paragraphs on page seventy-eight... As Buffy sits back up she sees Billy, a young boy, standing at the door looking in at her. Ms. Tishler: ...where Isaacson describes the rapid improvement active listening brought to some special needs clients. Wendell opens his book. He screams and drops it on his desk when there are suddenly a bunch of tarantulas crawling out of it. Ms. Tishler and the students closest to him scream and quickly get out of their chairs and away from him. The tarantulas crawl all over Wendell. Wendell: Please! Get 'em off of me! Help! Help! Get 'em off of me! Help me! Oh, please help me! Please! Billy: Sorry about that. Wendell: Please help me! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Master's lair. Collin is sitting, listening to the Master. Master: Fear is a wonderful thing. It is *the* most powerful force in the human world. (crouches to face Collin) Not love, not hate... Fear! When you were a mortal boy, what did you fear? Collin: Monsters. Master: Ooo. (gets up) We are *defined* by the things we fear. (goes to the large cross) This symbol, these two planks of wood, it confounds me. Suffuses me with mortal dread. But fear is in the mind. (puts his hand on the cross and holds on while it burns) Like pain. It can be controlled. (lets go) If I can face my fear, it cannot master me. (looks up) Something is happening above. Something new, powerful, psychic force. Do you feel it? Collin: I feel change. Master: Change. Yes. For the worse. The camera pans up above the cross and through the ground to the school. Joyce arrives to drop Buffy off. Joyce: You're awfully quiet this morning. Buffy: I didn't sleep well. Joyce: I'll say. I came in to check on you twice. You were yelling in your sleep. Do you know what you were dreaming? Buffy: (shakes her head) Not really. Oh, no, my bag! I-I packed it for the weekend and I forgot it! Joyce: You and your dad can swing by the house and get your bag. It's not an international crisis. Buffy: Okay. Yeah, I just, uh, had meant to bring it. H-he's picking me up here, right? A-at 3:30? Joyce: Honey, a-are you worried your father isn't gonna show? Buffy: No! N-not really. Should I be? Joyce: Well, of course, not! I-I-I just, I-I know it's a hard situation. You just have to remember that your father adores you. No more than I do, by the way. Buffy: (smiles) Goodbye. Joyce: Have a great day. Buffy: Thanks. (gets out) Cut to the halls. Buffy comes around the corner and is met by Willow and Xander. Willow: Oh, Buffy, we've been looking for you. Xander: We have? Willow: Oh, about the spiders, did you talk to Giles about... Xander: Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday. Willow: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you? Xander: I'm sorry! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face... Buffy: Mm, it was pretty intense. Willow: Thank you. Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there. Buffy: Little blase' there, aren't you? Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party! Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me. They enter the library. Cut inside. Xander: You da man, Buff! Willow: Okay, but we're still caring about the spiders here. Let's not forget the spiders. Buffy: Well, Giles said he was gonna look it up. Giles? Willow: Maybe he's in the faculty room. Giles comes out of the stacks and looks around bewildered. Buffy: Hey, Giles! Wakey, wakey! Giles: I was, uh, in the stacks. I got lost. Xander: Did you find any theories on spiders coming out of books? He reaches around Willow's shoulder with his arm while wiggling his fingers. Xander: Big, hairy, crawly... Willow is startled. She twists around and hits Xander. Xander: (to Willow) It's funny if you're me. Giles: (mildly confused) I couldn't find anything, uh... particularly illuminating. Um, I think perhaps you'd best have a chat with Wendell himself. Buffy: Okay. If he can still talk. She gives Giles an odd look. They start out of the library. Giles looks back into the stacks, still confused. Cut outside. Wendell is sitting on a bench. The team approaches him. Buffy: Hey, Wendell. How are you? Wendell: (looks up) Huh? Buffy: You okay? Xander: Good talking to ya, man. He pats Wendell on the back and starts to leave, but Buffy pulls him back. Wendell: Do you guys want something? Buffy: We just thought you might wanna talk about what happened. Willow: You know, yesterday? With the spiders? Wendell: I don't know what to say about that. Xander: There's nothing *to* say. You saw two hundred insects, you Gonzoed, anybody would have. Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids. Xander: They're from the Middle East? Wendell: Spiders are arachnids. They have eight legs. Insects only have six. Why does everyone make that mistake? Buffy: Don't know. Has anything like this ever happened before? Wendell nods his head 'yes'. Buffy: When? Wendell: Lots of times. Willow: Ew! You must hate spiders more than I do. Wendell: (smiles and laughs) I don't hate spiders. I love 'em. They hate me. Cordelia walks by behind Wendell and turns to Buffy. Cordelia: I hope you studied for the history test. Buffy: What history test? Cordelia: The one we're having in fourth period right now. Buffy: There's a history test? Nobody told me there was a history test! I haven't... I... Okay, I will catch up with you guys later. (runs off) Willow: (sits) What do you mean, you love spiders? Xander: It is platonic, right? (chuckles) Wendell: I had the best collection in the tri-county area. Browns and tarantulas and black widows... Then my folks shipped me off to wilderness camp. All my brother had to do was maintain their habitats. Instead he left their heat lamp on for a week. When I came home they were all dead. That's when the nightmares started. Willow: The nightmares? Wendell: It's always the same. I'm sitting in the classroom, teacher asks me to read something, I open up my book and then there they are. They're comin' after me. God, can you blame them after what I did? Xander: And that's how it happens? Every time? Wendell: Yesterday in class I thought I'd just nodded off again. But then everyone else started screaming, too. Cut to the hall. Buffy is looking for her history class. Cordelia is waiting by the door, holding it open. Cordelia: You don't know where class is, do you? Buffy: Uh... Cordelia: Hardly a shocker. You've cut history just about every time we've had it. Buffy: Well, I was there the first day. I think. Cordelia: It's in here. Buffy: I haven't been to class, I haven't read any of the assignments, how am I gonna pass this test? Cordelia: Blind luck? Cut into the classroom. Buffy is sitting and looking around at the other students. The teacher walks by. She looks over at Cordelia, who apparently isn't having any problems with the test. Cordelia turns the page, looks back at Buffy and goes back to taking the test. The teacher comes by again and stops to glance at Buffy's work. He continues, apparently satisfied. Buffy flips through the short answer test. All the pages are still blank. She glances up at the clock. 11:20. She looks at the space for her name. Buffy: Well, at least I know my name. She starts to write, but her pencil breaks. She lets out an exasperated breath. She grabs her sharpener and sharpens her pencil. She looks back up at the clock, and it's now 12:10 already. She stares at it in disbelief. She looks around at everyone. The teacher is watching her intently and tapping his pencil. She looks back down at her test and the bell rings. All around her the students get up and begin turning their tests in as she just sits and watches. Billy appears at the door and looks in. Buffy sees him there with a sad look on his face. He walks off down the hall. The classroom is empty now, and Buffy is sitting at her desk alone. Cut to the hall. Billy is walking along and comes upon two girls talking as they come down the stairs. Laura: Well, they both got detention, which is completely unfair since Sean started it. Anyway, it means we can't do the movie. The other girl looks disappointed as they stop in front of the basement door. Laura: I'm gonna take a (makes a smoking gesture) break. Her friend leaves. She looks around to see if anyone's watching, opens the door and goes in. Billy: (to himself) You shouldn't go in there. (shakes his head) Cut inside the basement to a shot of the stairs. Laura comes in and closes the door behind her. The basement area is dark. She comes down the steps and looks around. Satisfied that no one's there she puts down her books and gets out her pack of smokes. Cut to a shot of her from behind a rack. She has her pack and pulls out a cigarette. The Ugly Man behind the rack watches her as she lights up. He comes into the weak light. His face is badly scarred. Ugly Man: Lucky nineteen! He attacks Laura. She screams. He begins to whale on her with his huge deformed club arm as she screams and tries to roll out of the way of his blows. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The hospital. Cut to a hall. Buffy and Giles look for Laura's room. Buffy: I think they said room 3016. Giles: Do you know the girl? Buffy: To say hi to. Laura's nice enough. Nobody saw who attacked her? Giles: Well, I was rather hoping that Laura did. Cut inside Laura's room. She has cuts and bruises all over. Buffy and Giles come in. She sees them and looks up at Buffy. Buffy: Hey, Laura. Laura: Hi. Giles: I hope we're not intruding, um... He holds out a small potted flower arrangement. Buffy takes it from him and sets it next to the bed. Laura: That's okay. I don't wanna be left alone. Giles: You understand we're anxious to make sure this, this doesn't happen again. Buffy: (sits) Can you tell us what happened? Laura: I was in the basement. I went down for a smoke. There was... someone there. Buffy: Someone you knew? Laura: I've never... seen anything like it. Buffy: (exchanges a look with Giles) It? Giles: Can you describe it? Laura is having trouble talking about it and can't answer. Buffy: Hey, that's okay. Don't worry about it. Giles: Yes, you, you, you just rest now. Buffy: You know, but... Nurse: (comes in) Hi, Laura. Buffy: ...i-if you remember anything? You can tell us. Even if it may seem weird. Nurse: She needs her rest now. Giles and Buffy start to go. Laura: 'Lucky nineteen.' Buffy and Giles stop and turn around. Giles: I'm sorry? Laura: It's what he said, right before... He said 'lucky nineteen'. That's weird, right? Giles: Yes. Yes, it is. Buffy: Feel better. (smiles) Giles: Take care. They leave the room. Cut to the hall. Giles sees her doctor there. Giles: Doctor, is she gonna be alright? Doctor: You family? Buffy: Friends. Doctor: She'll recover. She's got a couple of shattered bones, a little internal bleeding... she got off pretty easy. Buffy: Easy? Giles: Have you looked up the word lately? Doctor: Well, the first one's still in a coma. (stops at another room) Buffy: First what? Doctor: First victim. (looks into the room) They found him a week ago. Exact same M.O. as the girl, only he's in worse shape. If he doesn't wake up soon... Somebody's gotta stop this guy. Buffy: Somebody will. Cut to the school. Punk: Listen, I'm not afraid of him. Cut to the hall. Punk: Hey, if he wants to fight, then I'm takin' him down. I'm not backin' off on this. This is about honor. I'll break his neck! Cut to Willow and Xander coming down the hall to her locker. Willow: I'm just saying, Wendell had a dream and then that exact thing happened. Xander: Which is a fair wiggins, I admit, but do you think that ties in with Laura? Willow: I dunno. Maybe she dreamed about getting beat up. We should ask Buffy when she gets back from the hospital. The punk's mother suddenly appears in the hall. Xander sees the encounter and grins. Mother: Oh, there's my little baby! Punk: Mom, what are you doing here? Mom... Mother: (laughs and kisses) How's my little pookie? Punk: Mom, mom, please don't kiss me in front of the guys! It's embarrassing, mom! Please! Mother: (laughs) You cute little rascal, you! Punk: Mom... Thanks, but mom, please, my friends are right here... Willow closes her locker. They head to their next class. Xander: It could be a coincidence. Y'know, Wendell finds a spider's nest, and we all wig because he dreamt about spiders. So it may not be connected. They enter the classroom. The students see Xander come in and start to laugh. Xander: If there is a connection it doesn't sound like anything... What? Willow is confused, and looks behind her at Xander. His clothes are gone, and he's standing there in his underwear. Willow: Xander! What happened to your...?! Xander: I-I-I dunno! I was, uh, dressed a minute ago! It's a dream. It's gotta be a dream. (pinches himself) Ow! Wake up. (pinches himself again) Ow! Gotta wake up. He realizes he's not dreaming and runs from the room screaming. Willow chases after him. Cut to the library. Giles is going over a number of newspapers. Giles: This can't be happening. This can't be... Buffy comes into the library. Buffy: What's the word? Giles: Oh, uh, I've got back issues of the, uh, papers, um, to try to do some research. Buffy: Did you find anything? Giles: I don't know. Buffy: You don't know if you didn't find anything. Giles: I'm having a problem. Buffy: What is it? Giles: I-I can't read! Buffy: What do you mean? You can read, like, three languages. Giles: Five, actually, on a normal day. Th-the words here don't make any s-sense. I-it's gibberish! (steps away in frustration) Buffy: (looks at the paper) That's him. Giles: Who? Buffy: The kid I've been seeing around school. (reads) 'Twelve-year-old Billy Palmer was found beaten and unconscious after his kiddie league game Saturday. Doctors describe his condition as critical.' When was this published? (looks at the date) Last week. It says he's in a coma in intensive care. This is the boy from the hospital! Giles: The first victim? Uh... You, you've seen him around the school? Buffy: Yeah, first when the spiders got Wendell, and, and then when I didn't know a thing on the history test. I thought it was weird seeing this kid around, but I forgot about it. Giles: Uh, the boy's been in a coma for a week. How can this be possible? Buffy: What, am I knowledge girl now? Explanations are your terrain. Giles: Uh, well, um, there's astral projection, uh, the theory that while one sleeps one has another body, a-an astral body, which can travel through time and space. Buffy: Billy's in a coma. That's like sleep, right? Giles: In a manner of speaking, a-a-although one doesn't always awake from a coma. Buffy: Could I be seeing Billy's asteroid body? Giles: Astral body, and I-I don't know. As usual, one doesn't have an inordinate amount of information to work with. Buffy: Lucky nineteen. Her father, Hank Summers, enters the library. Hank: There you are! I've been looking everywhere. Why aren't you in class? Buffy: Dad, what are you doing here? Y-you're not supposed to pick me up till after school. Is something wrong? Hank: Well, I, I need to talk to you. Buffy: Something *is* wrong. Is it mom? Hank: No, no, it's not your mother, she's fine. (quieter) Could I speak with you for a moment? Privately? Buffy: Um, sure! Yeah. (looks at Giles) Uh, oh! I'm sorry. Dad, this is Mr. Giles, the librarian. Uh, this is my dad, Hank Summers. Giles: My pleasure. (shakes his hand) Hank: Likewise. Buffy: I'll be back. She and her father leave the library. Giles tries reading the papers again. Cut outside. Buffy and her dad walk as they talk. Hank: I came early because there's something I've needed to tell you. About your mother and me. Why we split up. Buffy: Well, you always told me it was because... Hank: Uh, I know we always said it was because we'd just grown too far apart. Buffy: Yeah, isn't that true? Hank: Well, c'mon, honey, let's, let's sit down. (they sit) (exhales) You're old enough now to know the truth. Buffy: Is there someone else? Hank: No. No, it was nothing like that. Buffy: Then what was it? Hank: It was you. Buffy: Me? Hank: Having you. Raising you. Seeing you everyday. I mean, do you have any idea what that's like? Buffy: What? Hank: Gosh, you don't even see what's right in front of your face, do you? Well, big surprise there, all you ever think about is yourself. You get in trouble. You embarrass us with all the crazy stunts you pull, and do I have to go on? Buffy: No. Please don't. Hank: You're sullen and... rude and... you're not nearly as bright as I thought you were going to be... Hey, Buffy, let's be honest. Could you stand to live in the same house with a daughter like that? Buffy: Why are you saying all these things? (a tear rolls down her cheek) Hank: Because they're true. I think that's the least we owe one another. She begins to sniff and cry. Hank: You know, I don't think it's very mature, getting blubbery when I'm just trying to be honest. Speaking of which, I don't really get anything out of these weekends with you. So, what do you say we just don't do them anymore? She stares at him in shock. He pats her on the leg. Hank: I sure thought you'd turn out differently. He gets up and leaves. Buffy can't do anything but watch him go for a moment, and then look down. He walks past the building, and Billy is there looking at Buffy. She looks up again and sees him. Billy turns and leaves. Buffy fights back the tears. Cut to the library. Willow and Xander come in. Xander is pulling on his gym shirt. Xander: Red alert! Where's Buffy? Giles: Uh, she, she just stepped out. Her, her father came by early. He, he needed to talk to her. W... where are your other clothes? Xander: Oh, don't I wish I had the answer to *that* question. Willow: Xander kinda found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything. Xander: Except my underwear. Willow: (laughs) Yeah! It was really... (looks at Xander) ...bad. It was a bad thing. Xander: 'Bad thing'? I was naked. 'Bad thing' doesn't cover it. Willow: Everyone staring? I would hate to have everyone paying attention to me like that. Xander: With nudity! It's a total nightmare. Willow: (realizes) Well, yeah Xander! I-it's your nightmare! Xander: Except the part with me waking up goin' 'it's all a dream'. It happened. Willow: Like it happened to Wendell. That thing with the spiders? Wendell had a recurring dream about that. Giles: I-I dreamt that I got lost in the stacks and I... I couldn't read... Of course! Xander: Uh, our dreams are coming true? Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our, our nightmares are coming true. Willow: So, why is this happening? Giles: Billy. Xander: Well, that explanation was shorter than usual. (to Willow) It's Billy! (to Giles) Who's Billy? Giles: He's a boy in the local hospital. He was beaten. He's in a coma. Somehow I think he's crossed over from the nightmare world he's trapped in. Xander: And he brought the nightmare world with him. Thanks a bunch, Billy. Willow: How could he do that? Giles: Things like that are easy when you live on a Hellmouth. Xander: Well, um, we have to stop it. Giles: And soon. Or else everyone in Sunnydale is gonna be facing their own worst nightmares. Cut to the halls. Cordelia opens her locker and looks at her mirror. Her hair has become totally frizzy, and she freaks out. She tries to force a comb through it to no avail. Cordelia: I don't understand! This can't be happening! I was just at the salon! She puts her hands on her head in terror. Cordelia: Oh, my God! She tries the hair on the other side of her head, but it's just as bad. Cut outside. Buffy is walking along sadly with her arms crossed. She notices Billy going down some stairs to the gym entrance. When the students have all come out he goes in. Buffy follows him in and finds him sitting on the stands. Buffy: Billy? He looks at her a moment. She comes closer. Buffy: Are you Billy Palmer? Billy: I'm Billy. Buffy: Why are you here? (sits down next to him) Did something bad happen to you after your game? Billy: Something bad? (pulls his hands through his hair) I, I don't remember. Buffy: Do you remember playing baseball? Billy: Uh huh. Yeah. I play second base. Buffy: Are you 'lucky nineteen'? Billy: (looks at her) That's what he calls me. Buffy: Who? Billy: The Ugly Man. He wants to kill me. A-and he hurt that girl. Buffy: Why does he want to kill you, Billy? Billy: He's... Buffy: Billy, it's okay! What? Just tell me. Billy: He's here! The Ugly Man clubs Buffy with his deformed arm and knocks her down. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The gym. The Ugly Man hits Buffy in the face, knocking her off of the stands and onto the floor. She quickly gets up as he tries another swing and misses. She ducks a third swing, kicks him in the jaw with a high side kick and follows up with a spinning out-to-in crescent kick to his face. He isn't fazed. He swings again with his club arm and hits her squarely in the back, knocking her into the stands. He swings again as she gets up and knocks her legs out from under her, making her fall backward and onto the floor again. She rolls out of the way as he swings again, gets up and quickly follows Billy, who's already gone out the door. She's limping. Cut to the library. Giles, Willow and Xander walk out to find Buffy. Giles: Buffy doesn't know this is happening. And given the sort of thing that she tends to dream about, it's imperative that we find her. They come through the doors into the hall. Xander: Probably faster if we split up to look for her. Giles: Good idea. He and Xander go off in opposite directions. Willow: Oh, uh, faster, but... not really safer. Cut to outside the gym doors. Buffy slides a hockey stick through the door handles to slow the Ugly Man down. He pounds on the door as she leans against it. She looks around, sees Billy and goes over to him. Buffy: Billy! Billy: I'm sorry, I can't help it. Buffy: Who is he? Billy: He's the Ugly Man. Buffy: He's too strong! I can't fight him! We have to find my friends. They can help us. Billy: We have to hide. Buffy: No! He'll find us! Billy: Yes, but we have to hide. That's how it happens. We hide, and then he comes. They go to find the others. Cut to the hall. Willow comes down the stairs and sees a commotion down the hall. Cordelia is being dragged by some nerds into the chess club. Cordelia: No! What are you doing! Hey, no! You don't understand! I don't wanna go! I'm not even on the chess team! I swear, I'm not! They drag her into the room. Willow smiles at the sight. She hears her name being called from the door to the basement. Voice: Willow! Cordelia: Nohoho! Willow turns toward the voice, goes to the basement door, opens it and looks inside. Voice: Willow! Cut into the basement looking up the stairs at Willow. Willow: Buffy? She starts down the stairs, leaving the door open. Willow: Hello? Buffy? She reaches the bottom of the steps and looks around. Willow: I'm not afraid. You'd think I'd be afraid, but I'm not. She continues into the room and looks around. A hand grabs her on the shoulder and pulls her away as she screams. Cut to the hall. Xander comes through a door and finds the hall has been vandalized, with swastikas spray-painted everywhere. A light hanging from the ceiling is flickering. He spies a chocolate bar on the floor. Xander: Alright! (picks up the bar and tears it open) Someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness. He takes a huge bite. He looks around some more and sees a Hershey bar. He walks over to it, picks it up and tears it open. Xander: This is my lucky day! He takes a huge bite out of the Hershey bar and looks around again. Cut outside. Buffy and Billy come out of a door. Buffy: (confused) Wha... I was sure this led to the library. Billy looks at a couple students playing on the other side of the fence. Buffy goes over to him. Buffy: They're just playing. What is it? What's bothering you? Billy: Baseball. When you lose, it's bad. Buffy: Did you lose your game last week? Billy: (nods) It was my fault. Buffy: Why was it your fault? Billy: I missed a ball and I should have caught it. Buffy: You missed one ball and the whole game was your fault? What, you were the only one playing? There wasn't eight other people on your team? Billy: He said it was my fault. Buffy: Who said? Billy, did he hurt you after the game? Billy: Can we go another way to find your friends? Buffy: Sure. Okay. We can go around the cafeteria. The Ugly Man comes in their direction and punches a student out. Buffy: Bad idea! (looks around) Uh, this way! C'mon! She pushes Billy ahead of her through some bushes. When they get through to the other side they are in the cemetery, and it's night. Buffy: What just happened? Billy: Is this where your friends are? Buffy: No, it's not. Cut to the basement. The show director is pulling Willow through a door to a dressing room. She is dressed in a green kimono for the part of Cio-Cio-San, the title character of Puccini's opera Madame Butterfly. Director: Man, I thought you weren't gonna show! Aldo is beside himself. He makes some adjustments to her kimono. Willow can hear the Emcee make his announcement on the stage. Emcee: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to present two of the world's greatest singers! The audience begins to applaud. The director guides Willow onto the auditorium stage behind the curtain. Director: I hope you're warmed up. It's an ugly crowd out there tonight. All the reviewers showed up. Emcee: All the way from Firenze, Italy, the one and only Aldo Gianfranco! And all the way from Sunnydale, California, the world's finest soprano, Willow Rosenberg! Willow sees Aldo on stage through the curtain, dressed in a tuxedo and holding out his hand to greet her. She backs away into the director. Willow: But I... I didn't learn the words! The director gives her a shove onto the stage, and she stumbles through the curtains and bumps into Aldo. He shoots her a look. She's terrified. The applause dies down. The spotlight is on Aldo, and he begins to sing the famous love duet from Act I. Aldo: Bimba dagli occhi pieni di malia, ora sei tutta mia. Translation: Child, from whose eyes the witchery is shining, now you are all my own. The spotlight moves to Willow when it's her turn. She is stiff with fear and remains silent as she looks between Aldo and the crowd. Realizing she's not going to sing, Aldo begins again, and the spotlight shifts back to him. Aldo: Sei tutta vestita di giglio. Mi piace la treccia tua bruna fra i candidi veli. Translation: You're dressed all in white like a lily. Your ebony tresses are shining on ivory shoulders. When he finishes his bar he gives her an annoyed look and stomps his foot. She's still frightened. Willow: (meekly) My turn? Aldo: (annoyed) Mm-hmm! She turns to the crowd and lets out a high-pitched squeak. Numerous murmurs come from the audience. Aldo is disgusted and turns away. Cut to the halls. There are sheets of plastic hanging from the ceiling. Xander pushes though a pair and stops. His hands are full of various chocolate bars. Xander: I love these bars! He spots another one on the floor. Xander: A Chocolate Hurricane! These are the best! I haven't had one of these since my... He hears incessant giggling coming toward him. Xander: ...sixth... (looks around) ...birthday. He sees a shadow come up behind another sheet of plastic, and a clown suddenly bursts through. Xander screams in terror as the clown holds up a knife. Xander falls as he tries to get away and somersaults backward into the next hall. He starts to crawl away fast. Cut to the cemetery. Buffy walks and looks around. Buffy: I don't see the Ugly Man. I also don't know where the sun and the rest of the world went. Billy: Look at this. She looks down where Billy is looking and sees a freshly dug grave with an open pine coffin inside. Billy: I guess we're gonna bury someone. I wonder who died. Master: Nobody died. Buffy and Billy look up at him in surprise. Master: What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead? She stares at him in disbelief. Buffy: You! Master: So! This is the Slayer! You're prettier than the last one. Buffy: This isn't real. Y-you can't be free! Master: You still don't understand, do you? I am free because you fear it. Because you fear it, the world is crumbling. Your nightmares are made flesh. You have little Billy to thank for that. She looks behind her, but Billy is gone. She turns back to the Master. Buffy: This is a dream. Master: A dream is a wish your heart makes. (grabs Buffy by the neck.) This is real life. (pulls her around so her back is to the open grave) Come on, Slayer! What are you afraid of? He growls and bares his teeth, but doesn't bite. He throws her into the coffin at the bottom of the grave, and the lid slams shut. Buffy: No! Help me! Master: How 'bout being buried alive? The Master laughs maniacally as he starts to shovel dirt into the grave. Buffy: Somebody help me! Please! No! No! Please! No! No! No! Somebody help me! Please! No! The first shovelful of dirt hits the coffin, and some falls in through the cracks of the poorly constructed coffin. Buffy: Please! No! Help me! No! The next shovelful of dirt covers the crack between the boards. Buffy: Help! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The halls. Willow comes through a door while being pelted with tomatoes. Xander runs up to her. Xander: Did you find Buffy? Willow: I had to sing! Very bad to sing! Xander: Willow, c'mon. Let's find the others. Willow: What happened to you? Xander: Remember my sixth birthday party? Willow: (laughs) Oh, yeah! When the clown chased you and you got so scared that you had... (stops smiling) Oh! The clown slices through a sheet of plastic. Willow screams and they start to run, right into Giles. Giles: No sign of Buffy? They grab hold of him and pull him with them. He sees the clown and starts to run, too. When they reach the end of the hall Xander stops, tired of the whole thing. He goes up to the clown, and as the clown raises his knife to attack, Xander punches him dead in the face and knocks him out. Xander: You are a lousy clown! Your balloon animals are pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe! They leave the clown lying there. Cut outside. They come running out of the building and stop. Xander: I feel good! I feel liberated! People are running past them. Giles: You seem to be the only one. Things are getting worse. In a few hours reality will fold completely into the realm of nightmares. Willow: Well, what do we do? Giles: The only thing I can think is to try and wake Billy. Xander: Uh, no, we can't leave without Buffy. Giles: Agreed, but who knows where she might have gone? Willow sees a dimensional rift to the graveyard across the street. Willow: Excuse me, when did they put a cemetery in across the street? Xander: And when did they make it night over there? They walk through the rift into the cemetery. Xander: Whose nightmare is this? Giles looks at a gravestone that reads: Buffy Summers 1981 - 1997. Giles: It's mine. They all gather around the grave. Giles kneels next to it. Giles: I've failed... in my duty to protect you. I should have been more c... cautious. Taken more time to train you. But you were so gifted. And the evil was so great. I'm sorry... He lays his hand on the fresh soil. As he starts to get up a hand reaches up through the dirt and grabs his. Willow screams. Giles tears himself away as Buffy comes up through the dirt out of the grave. She brushes herself off. Giles: Buffy? She looks up. She has turned into a vampire. Buffy: I thought I was dead! Willow: Buffy, your face! Buffy feels her face and realizes what's happened. Buffy: Oh, God! She keeps her hands up to hide her face. Xander takes a couple of steps toward her. Xander: Buffy... Buffy: (turns away) Don't look at me! Giles: You never told me you dreamt of becoming a vampire. Buffy: This isn't a dream. Giles: No. No, it's not. But there's a chance that we can make it go away. This all comes from Billy. Now, if, if we can only wake him up, I believe that the nightmares will stop and reality will shift back into place, but we must do it now! I need you to hold together long enough to help us. Can you do that? She looks up at Giles. Buffy: (nods) Yeah. I think I can. Giles: Thank you. They face the others. Buffy: Well, we better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry. (starts away) Xander: (following) That is a... joke, right? Willow: Are you sure everything will go back once he's awake? Giles: Oh, uh, positive. Willow: Well, how do we wake Billy up? What if we can't? Giles: Willow, do shut up. Cut to the hospital. Pandemonium reigns. They come running down the hall to Billy's room. The doctor is there looking into Billy's room. Giles: Doctor! Is the boy Billy still here? Doctor: My hands! The doctor's hands are severely crippled. He goes away. They run into Billy's room. Xander: What now? Giles: Um... (bends down to Billy) Billy! Billy? Billy: That won't work. His astral body is standing by the curtains. Giles looks up at him. Giles: Billy! Uh, Billy, you have to wake up. Billy: No. I told her. I have to hide. Giles: Why? From what? Buffy: From him! She's still in the hall and sees the Ugly Man coming toward her. Giles goes over to the window to look. Xander: Aw, man, what do we do? Buffy: I think I know. She takes off her jacket. Willow hears buzzing outside and peeks through the blinds to see giant black wasps flying over the town. Willow: Whatever it is, it better be soon! Cut to the hall. The Ugly Man is making his way toward Buffy. Buffy: Glad you showed up! You see, I'm having a really bad day. Ugly Man: Lucky nineteen! Buffy: Scary! I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. (takes two steps forward) And I'm one of them. The Ugly Man stops in his tracks and looks at her. She roars and runs to attack. She jumps on him, knocks him down and punches him twice in the face. She tries for a third punch, but he blocks her and gets his foot under her stomach. He pushes hard, and Buffy falls backwards. She gets up quickly and roundhouse kicks him in the gut, making him double over, but he pushes her into the window of Billy's room and then throws her into the opposite wall. He tries to punch her with his club arm, but she ducks, and his arm slams into a wall. She comes up behind him and side kicks him in the back. He slams into her, knocking her through the door into Billy's room and against his bed. She gets up to face him as he comes in after her. He swings again with his club arm, but she grabs it and roughly brings it down, breaking it over her knee. He wails in pain, and she body checks him into the wall, where he hits his head and slumps to the floor unconscious. Everyone just stares at him. Billy: I-is he dead? Buffy: Come here, Billy. Billy: I, I don't... Buffy: You have to do the rest. Billy slowly comes around the bed and over to the Ugly Man. Willow: What are they doing? Giles gestures for her to be quiet. Xander: I get it. Buffy takes Billy's hand. He looks up at her. Buffy: No more hiding. Billy looks down at the Ugly Man. Buffy lets go of his hand, and he reaches for the Ugly Man's neck. He peels back his face and a bright light streams out. In the next instant everything is back to normal. The Ugly Man is gone, Buffy is herself again, Xander and Willow are in their regular clothes and the hospital is functioning. Buffy smiles and feels her face. Willow breathes a sigh of relief. Billy wakes up. Xander: Hey, he's waking up! They all gather around. Billy: I had the strangest dream. And you were in it, and you... Who are you people? They all smile. Giles: Let's get a doctor. Billy's coach comes in as Giles and Xander are about to go get a doctor. Coach: Oh! Huh. Billy's got company. (takes off his cap) I-I-I'm his kiddie league coach. I come by here every day, just hoping against hope that he's gonna wake up soon. He's, uh, my lucky nineteen. Giles and Buffy exchange a look. Coach: So, um, how is he? Buffy steps aside to show him that Billy's awake. Buffy: He's awake. Coach: What? Buffy: You blamed him for losing the game. So you caught up with him afterwards, didn't you? Coach: (acting innocent) What are you talking about? Billy: (sits up) You said that it was my fault that we lost. The coach realizes he's been found out and tries to get away. Xander grabs him by the jacket and stops him. Billy: It wasn't my fault. There's eight other players on the team. You know that. (lies down) Buffy: (to Billy) Nice going! (smiles) Billy smiles back. Cut to the school. Willow, Buffy and Xander are walking. Buffy: I just can't believe a kiddie league coach would do something like that. Xander: Well, you obviously haven't played kiddie league. I'm surprised it wasn't one of the parents. Willow: I'm just glad he's behind bars where he belongs. Buffy: But that was kinda heroic, Xander, grabbing him and all. Xander: Well, I just did what anyone else would've. I mean, if you wanna label it heroic... Hank drives up, honks and gets out of the car and waves. Hank: Hi! Buffy: Have a killer weekend, guys! Xander bows his head to her. Buffy goes to her dad. Hank comes up the steps and hugs his daughter. Hank: Hi, sweetheart! Oh, it's so good to see you! (releases the hug) How was your day? Buffy: Fine. You know, usual. Willow: (to Xander) Personal question? Xander: Yeah, shoot! Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you? Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque! Willow: Still dug her, huh? Xander: I'm sick, I need help. Willow: Don't I know it.
Plan: A: their worst nightmares; Q: What do Sunnydale residents find coming true? A: Buffy; Q: Who learns that a little boy in a coma is the cause of Sunnydale residents nightmares? A: the gang; Q: Who must wake the boy up? A: his fears; Q: What must the boy confront to stop his nightmares? Summary: Sunnydale residents find their worst nightmares coming true and Buffy learns that a little boy in a coma is the cause. To solve the problem, the gang must wake him up and help him confront his fears.
Outside the school (Craig and Ashley are kissing.) Craig: Bye. (They kiss again.) Craig: I'll see you tomorrow right? Uh one more? Ashley: K my mom's gonna be here in a sec. Craig: You'll call me though right? Ashley: My dad's wedding is taking over my entire life. Dress fittings, dinners, the airport to pick up Chris' sister. Craig: I like airports. People saying hellos, goodbyes, I love you... Ashley: Did you just...? Craig: I only say it at airports! (Ashley's mom drives up.) Craig: Mrs. Kerwin! It's been a while! Mrs. Kerwin: Ashley do you want to get in the car? Ashley: I'll call. I will. Craig: Or uh I can call you! Mrs. Kerwin: Don't bother. In a hallway, Craig and Ashley are sitting on the floor Ashley: Mom, Craig and I are back together and that's it. Craig: She said don't bother. What does don't bother mean? Ashley: It means that I promise not to tell her every detail of our next horrible breakup. Craig: No next! Okay? Promise! (They hear Marco's accordion and Marco singing the band's song on a CD and walk over to them.) Craig: Is that what I think it is? Spinner: Yeah it's what we were supposed to record. Until you gave it all up for miss band breaker-upper. Craig: That's pretty... Spinner: Awful? Horrible? Seizure Inducing? Oh how about, how about lousy! Marco: Oh and it's also the last single that Downtown Sasquatch will ever put out. Spinner: Here. (Spinner dumps a duffel bag of CD's out of the floor.) Spinner: Throw them real hard at the ceiling, sometimes they stick. (Spinner walks away and Marco takes the CD out of the play and throws it at Craig.) Ashley: Craig and I are back together. That's it. I'm really happy. In the hallway JT: Got the scripts! Liberty: Wow. That's a lot of paper. And muffins?! Drama club goes all out. I don't want to do this anymore. Manny: Liberty, you wrote the play. You adapted Dracula! JT: And not from a movie either, from a book! It's great. Liberty: But it's not great. It's embarrassing, pedestrian, reputation killer. Manny: Okay this is so not you. You are irritating, stubborn... JT: Self confident to the point of social retardation. Liberty: Gee JT. Thanks. JT: But you're talented okay? Brilliant. So just have a muffin and chill. Your director says so! Liberty: JT just said I'm brilliant. In Mr. Simpson's class Craig's IM: R u working? Ashley's IM: No. Freaking re stupid wedding! (Craig goes over to Ashley and gives her some paper.) Ashley: When did you write these? Craig: Uh only one song's finished. The other three are only kinda. Mr. Simpson: Mr. Manning. Ms. Kerwin. Craig: Yeah the past couple nights I've stayed up. I dunno, inspiration, energy I guess. Mr. Simpson: I said Mr. Manning! Craig: I mean I could have showed you later, but this teeny part of me, uh this teeny part of me kind of wonders what you might think now. Mr. Simpson: Craig! Craig: What?! Mr. Simpson: The computer in the corner. It's lonely. Go introduce yourself. Craig: This is supposed to be independent study time right?! Me, independent and walking! You, studying my butt leaving! Mr. Simpson: Well they can study your butt at the office! Now! In the hallway Ashley: So you're calm now right, at least reasonably? Craig: Everyone's trying to separate us. Ashley: We were passing notes and talking. Craig: Whose side are you on? When are you seeing your mom? Ashley: Today after school. Craig: Convince her I'm not Satan's kin, okay? That you and I are, are changed and right and good or else the rehearsal party tonight's really gonna suck. Ashley: What if we work on my parents after the wedding? Craig: You don't want me there. Ashley: I, I do Craig... except... Craig! In the auditorium Manny: Promise that if the time comes you will kill me. Alex: I promise. Some blonde guy: Nina. Sun's almost set. Manny: Dracula's blood has not nearly poisoned mine, but it will. In killing me Dr. Van Helsing saves my life, but Jonathon, it is you who saves my soul. Ms. Kwan: Okay. We're all meeting Saturday morning. We'll finish the rest then. Mr. Raditch: Ms. Kwan, a word? Emma: That was good Liberty. No, it was great! Alex: Yeah a little gross too! JT: You see?! Mr. Raditch: Today I heard about severed heads and stakes through the heart. With recent events do you think presenting violence is a good idea? Liberty: 'This power of good you have won from your suffering'. Van Helsing says it at the end. JT: And ever since Rick died we've all been suffering sir. Liberty: I wrote the play to show the school there's hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. Mr. Raditch: Can't it be something cheery, something fun? Liberty: You'd prefer a musical about Dracula? Mr. Raditch: A musical about Degrassi! And all the wonderful things that happen here. JT: Yeah, but drama club meets tomorrow. Mr. Raditch: Well you better get writing, see what you can get done tonight! At the hospital, Jimmy is using a bar to lift himself up Craig: Soon you'll be needing that bar to beat the nurses away. Jimmy: Shouldn't you be at school? Craig: Ash is this close to dumping me. Jimmy: Then it's her turn right? Craig: Just help me! Tell me to stand outside her window with a stereo or- (Jimmy throws the bar in frustration.) Craig: Sorry man. I'm always talking about myself. I shouldn't. Jimmy: No you should. You should. Everyone else that comes in here either talks about the weather, or my prognosis, my legs. Craig: Still. Jimmy: Still it isn't rocket science okay? Talk to Ashley. Get her alone. Craig: Her house is full of wedding. Caitlin's painting so my place looks like a disaster flick. Jimmy: So what? You want me to see if they have any vacancies here? Craig: Vacancies... like at a hotel... At Joey's house Angie: More pizza! Joey: Oh Craig! Pizza's for dinner. Again. Craig: No thanks. But you know what I could use? Joey: I have no money. Craig: But you have a credit card! Caitlin: You paint every room in this house I'll sign over mine. Craig: Look I have the money to pay your upfront. I'd only be borrowing it for one night! Please! Joey: Craig you skipped class today. The school does call. Craig: I went to visit Jimmy on a study period and what does that have to do with me borrowing your card?! Joey: What do you need it so badly for? Are you renting something? Caitlin: Joey can you help me with this? Joey: Craig no. I'm not lending you my card. And skipping a study period is still skipping. Don't do it again. (Craig takes the credit card out of Joey's wallet and puts it in his pocket smiling.) Craig: Pizza! At the wedding tent Sally: Tall, dark and hopelessly lost? You must be Craig. I'm Sally. Ashley's aunt. My brother's gonna be marrying her dad. Come back later, I'll have the charts. Craig: Um. Have you seen Ashley? Sally: You know, Christopher told me all about you. Craig: Which version? Did I have horns in that one? Maybe a long, pointy tail? Sally: You're different now? Darn. Craig: Look. I hurt Ashley and the fact that she's even willing to look at me, I'm not screwing that up again. So you can flirt with me and people can say whatever but the fact is I love your niece. Ashley: Thought you only said that at airports? Craig: I'm not staying here long. I just came to give you this. It's a hotel room key. It's for later. If you need a place to go. Mrs. Kerwin: Ashley. I made it clear there's no room for extra guests. Especially uninvited ones. Ashley: Showing him out mom. [SCENE_BREAK] At the hotel Craig: Okay, no peeking! Stand right here. Now this was supposed to be for after the rehearsal party, but... (Opens the door and there are two beds and rose petals spelling out 'A + C' in a heart.) Craig: Okay open. Ashley: Craig this is kind of perfect. No more annoying friends, bullying teachers, tricking parents. Craig: Or horny aunts. Ashley: You got a room with two beds. Craig: There's two of us. Ashley: Well what if we only needed one bed? Craig: One bed? Ashley: Yeah well you know if you brought something. Craig: (goes to the drawer and pulls out a bunch of condoms) Never again will I be without. Ashley: Thank you so much for doing this. Craig: I love you. Ashley: And thank you so much for saying that. Perfect I love you too. Still in the hotel room, after they had s*x (which they didn't show) Craig: Salvador Kovac(?). Killer Rage 2. Oh how about Elimination Round 3? (Ashley starts crying while Craig is flipping through the channels.) Craig: I'm sorry! For whatever I did. I instantly apologize. Craig: Hey! Hey look there's uh, we got jujubes! Think they're British. Belgium chocolates? Maybe chips? Maybe not? Hey. Hey Ash. Ashley: I'm sorry. I'm happy really, just I don't know overwhelmed. Keep talking please. Craig: Okay, let's just uh, let's just take off. Get an apartment. Anywhere. Vancouver. Ashley: I hate to leave you. Craig: So don't leave me. Ashley: I have to go to my dad's. Craig: Why?! I have food here. Ashley: He's my dad. Craig: But I'm your Craig. Ashley: Yeah you are and you know what, you're just as important to me as he is. So get dressed. You're coming with me. At the Dot JT: There she is. Manny: So. How long have you guys been working together? Liberty: Dracula is dead, but Degrassi the musical is born. Manny: Say you're kidding. Please. Anytime? Liberty: We thought we need to set the thing around a character. Somebody who's been at the school since it opened. A teacher, a janitor... JT: A cafeteria worker named... JT and Liberty: Shelly! JT: And while she works she sings. Liberty: (singing) Oh these hallowed halls of stone. JT: (singing) Make me want to dial home. Liberty: (singing) Look way up into the sky. JT: (singing) Degrassi's name is writ real high. Manny: Say you're kidding. Please. Anytime! JT: She's right. This is stupid. I quit. Manny: Go after him. Brainstorm ideas in the hot tub. Something that doesn't involve me wearing a hairnet. Do it now please Liberty. At a gay bar Craig: First real bar we go to. Ashley: And it's a gay bar. Mrs. Kerwin: I need a moment with the maid of honor. Ashley: Um mom, whatever you have to say to me you can say to Craig too. Craig: No, it's okay. You two talk! Ashley: Dad is marrying a guy tomorrow and I'm dealing with that. Mrs. Kerwin: It's not the same thing Ashley. Ashley: He left you mom for a man and you forgave him. I mean you're throwing him a wedding! But Craig... Mrs. Kerwin: Craig broke my daughter's heart. Ashley: And I forgave him. Mrs. Kerwin: Ashley I feel like we just put you back together again. Ashley: Look mom. I'm really happy so you're just gonna have to be happy for me. (A slow song is playing and Craig & Ashley are dancing together.) Sally: Hi Mrs. Kerwin. Mrs. Kerwin: Hi Sally! Toby: Hi Sally. (He has the hots for her) Craig: This is amazing. Ashley: I know. Craig: I want to bottle this. Get drunk on it for the rest of my life. Ashley: I so, so love you. (The music changes to some electronic music.) Ashley: And I so, so wish that didn't just happen. Craig: I have to leave for a few minutes. Ashley: What? Why? Craig: A half hour! Just stay here! At Joey's house (Craig is rushing around in his closet, while singing and he grabs a suit and a little bag.) Caitlin: You going out to do a lounge gig? Craig: Suit's for the wedding. Ashley's at the party waiting so bye. Joey: Woah, Craig, is everything okay? Craig: Yeah we're back together. Ash and me. Me and Ash. What was I thinking before? Cheating on her with Manny. Why'd I do that? Caitlin: People make mistakes. Craig: Never ever, ever, ever, ever again. Oh I'll help you guys out later. Tonight I'm at Marco's! Back at the bar Ashley: Craig you're back! In a suit... Craig: Can I talk to you for a second? (He kisses her and pulls out a ring.) Ashley: It's a ring. Craig: Yeah um, it was my mothers. Ashley: So it's your mothers ring. (Craig gets down on one knee and holds out the ring.) Ashley: Why are you down on one knee. Craig: Will you marry me? Ashley: I'm sorry. I can't. Craig: No, I actually want you to marry me. Ashley: Craig I'm, I'm sorry no. Craig: Just, just. (Tries to put the ring on her finger and she pulls away) Ashley: Craig. Craig: Just I want you to marry me! (Craig stands up and leaves the room angry.) At Liberty's, in the hot tub Danny: How about putting Dracula IN Degrassi?! He turns the teachers into vampires, saving Raditch for last! Huh huh? Good idea huh?! Liberty: The elders are sleeping Danny. Danny: You guys aren't even listening and I'm getting pruned! JT: I'm experiencing major prunage as well and I'm way too tired for this. Liberty: What about tomorrow though?! We never cancelled and the whole drama club's gonna show up. JT: Yes but, we can't a musical without any songs. Liberty: Radishes, radishes, not so sweet. Red and round and gross to eat. JT: What is that?! Liberty: A song! Stick a tune on it! (Singing) Radishes, radishes not so sweet. Red and round, gross to eat. They have power, cruel little voices. JT: (singing) I run Degrassi! You have no choices! Liberty: No, it's perfect, we'll sing it tomorrow and we'll show Raditch what an idiot he's being. JT: We'll be rebels. Liberty: Rebels who sing! JT: There you go! (Shake hands) Back at the bar Sally: Tell aunty Sally. Did he let you down easy? Ashley: Um it's kind of the opposite of the conversation we had. Sally: So you're still together? Ashley: I don't know. Craig asked me to marry him. Sally: Okay, did you say yes? Ashley: I said more like no... Sally: But I thought that you loved him? Ashley: I do. I do love him... Where's my phone?! I need my phone! Sally: You're gonna tell him. (Craig is in the hotel room going psycho, completely trashing everything and the phone is ringing in the background.)
Plan: A: Ashley's dad's wedding; Q: What event forces Ashley to reconcile her relationship with Craig? A: her relationship; Q: What does Ashley reconcile with Craig by losing her virginity to him? A: the wrong way; Q: How is Ashley rubbed by Craig's behavior? A: normal behavior; Q: What does Ashley want Craig to exhibit? A: a play; Q: What do J.T. and Liberty put on to raise school spirits? Summary: Ashley's dad's wedding has arrived, and she reconciles her relationship with Craig by losing her virginity to him. Afterward, Ashley is rubbed the wrong way when Craig exhibits less than normal behavior. Meanwhile, J.T. and Liberty work together to put on a play in order to raise school spirits.
Pam: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get. Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there. Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim. Jim: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken. Pam: Nature. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away. Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [sitting down, rubbing his feet] I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Some of us like the walk more than others. Kevin: [off screen] Hurts like hell. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog] Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile. Michael: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. Pam: But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman? Pam: Her? Michael: Hmm... Pam: The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair? Michael: Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch. Pam: Or in a great chair. Michael: Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women? Pam: I definitely remember your dinner party. Michael: I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands. Pam: Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings] Creed: [on phone] Yo, is this his new chair? Pam: [on phone] No, he hasn't picked one yet. Creed: [on phone] Daat! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I left my cell phone in my car. Phyllis: Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. [Andy gets up and leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up? Kevin: If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself. Michael: I thought that you were engaged? Kevin: Nope. Stacy broke up with me. Michael: Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends? Kevin: Not anymore. Michael: Oh... Kevin: It's a bitter situation. Michael: Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm... Phyllis: Michael? Michael: What? Phyllis: I have a friend who's single. Michael: Oh. Phyllis: Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too. Michael: Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer? Phyllis: Umm, no, she's a professional softball player. Michael: Oooo. Catcher or in field? Phyllis: Umm I don't know Michael. Michael: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her? Phyllis: What are you asking? Michael: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question. Phyllis: No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat. Michael: Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes. Angela: I don't think that this is--- Michael: Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear "Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la." No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired. Dwight: [gets up from chair] Write legibly people. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot. Michael: Hmm.. Andy: It's like a ten minute walk. Kevin: No, thirty. Michael: Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad. Kevin: Yes. Andy: Yes. Michael: That would be bad. Andy: OK. Kevin: Nice. Andy: ...So help us out. Michael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't. Kevin: Michael, please he-- Michael: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves. Andy: We won't let you down. Michael: Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card. Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it. Pam: [to Jim] Who are you putting down? Jim: Oh, you don't know her. Pam: Who is it? Jim: Your mom. Pam: Yeah, whatever. [Jim holds up the card] [Pam laughs] Give it to me. Give it to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.] Wendy's phone operator: Wendy's. Michael: Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael. Wendy's phone operator: This isn't Wendy. Michael: Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please? Wendy's phone operator: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant. Michael: [under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please? Wendy's phone operator: You have to come to the restaurant to order food. Michael: Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready. Wendy's phone operator: It's ready now. Michael: Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah. Dwight: OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies. Michael: Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model... Dwight: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit. Michael: That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [on phone] That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young. Dwight: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died. Michael: Oh, God. Oh... Dwight: Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. [gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair] Here we go. Yeah. Jim: Michael, you didn't even know her. Michael: Try not to be so hurtful Jim. Dwight: Jim, how dare you. [Jim's face is in shock] Michael: Please, not at a time like this. [sighs] Pam: OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you. Michael: Oh really? What's her name? Burger King? Pam: No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael] Michael: I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: We need to assemble the five families. Michael: [while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families. Kevin: We have to. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him "Cool Guy Paul." W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now. Kevin: [to Andy] I'm calling the meeting anyway. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond] Margaret: Michael? Michael: [turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh. Margaret: Are you Michael Scott? Michael: Is who a Michael what? Margaret: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael. Michael: Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK... Coffee shop worker: Michael? Michael? [reads cup] Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What... Margaret: You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me? Michael: Just making conversation. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us? Margaret: I don't know. Michael: You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that. Margaret: She's beautiful. Michael: Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know. Jan [on phone]: Michael? Hello? Michael? [Michael hangs up phone] Margaret: I'm gonna head out. Michael: Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus. Margaret: That's incredibly rude. Michael: Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Bob Vance: Where's Scott? Andy: Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement. W.B. Jones: Let's just meet back in an hour. Andy: Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone. Kevin: [nervously stuttering] I... have... things... W.B. Jones: Alright, what do you want? Andy: Well first of all, I'd just like to say [pulls out note cards] what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen. W.B. Jones: You have about ten seconds--- Kevin: We want our parking spaces back! Paul Faust: Whose parking spaces? Kevin: W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and--- Bill Cress: Ohh... God... Paul: I don't have time for this you guys. [to W.B. Jones] Just give 'em back their spaces. W.B. Jones: OK. Paul: We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... [starts breaking up] It's just nice to win one. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me? Pam: She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along. Michael: Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office] Jim: [walks up to reception] Margaret? Pam: I know. Jim: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. [both laugh] Pam: Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move. Jim: Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud. Pam: Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too. Jim: OK, sure. Let's do it. [Pam laughs] Pam: No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged. Jim: Have I not proposed to you, yet? Pam: Hmm, I don't, know... Jim: Oh, well, that's coming. [smiles] Pam: Oh, right now? Jim: No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame. Pam: OK, so then, when? Jim: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works. Pam: Oh, right, yeah. Jim: Wait, I'm serious. It's happening. Pam: Ohh kay. Jim: And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp. Pam: I've been warned. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I am not kidding. [shows camera an engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs] Dwight: You know what you need? Closure. Michael: You're right. What do you mean though? Dwight: There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye. Michael: Hmm. Dwight: Come on. I'll drive. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: We did it. Andy: [at same time as Kevin] I did it. Kevin: We got our spaces back. Oscar: Wow. [Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin] Pam: Nice job. Jim: Nice. [fist bumps Kevin] Andy: Yeah, there it is. You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die? Dwight: I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger. Michael: God. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: She was so innocent. Dwight: She was stoned apparently. Michael: You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do? Dwight: You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive. Michael: Oh, you move on. Dwight: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Where do you want to go for dinner? Pam: I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what [Jim gets down on one knee], that one... Jim: Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe? Pam: [smiling] I hate you. [walks away] Jim: What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? [Pam laughs] Oh my God, you thought I wa--- oh. Pam: Oh, oh. Jim: No, no, no. Pam: How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael/Dwight: [singing] OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then [jumbling up the words] can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. [more jumbled words] 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues... Michael: Return. Dwight: Rhythm and blues... Michael: This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died.
Plan: A: a model; Q: What did Michael see in a catalog that made him realize he has not found his soul mate? A: a chair; Q: What was Michael searching for when he realized he had not found his soul mate? A: Michael; Q: Who goes on a blind date with Pam's landlady? A: a soul mate; Q: What did Michael want to find in life? A: Dwight embarks; Q: Who searches for the chair model? A: a search; Q: What does Dwight embark on to find the chair model? A: names; Q: What does Michael take from friends of office employees? A: dates; Q: What does Michael take names of office employees for? A: the building; Q: Where do Andy and Kevin meet with the bosses of the other companies? A: parking; Q: What issue do Andy and Kevin discuss with the bosses of the other companies in the building? A: Jim; Q: Who and Pam discuss the future of their relationship? Summary: After seeing a model in a catalog while searching for a chair, Michael realizes that he has not accomplished his dream of finding a soul mate in life. Dwight embarks on a search for the chair model, while Michael takes names of friends of office employees for dates. Michael goes on a blind date with Pam's landlady, which ends poorly. Meanwhile, Andy and Kevin meet with the bosses of the other companies in the building to discuss the issues of parking, while Jim and Pam discuss the future of their relationship.
THE INVISIBLE ENEMY BY BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Two Running time: 25:13 [SCENE_BREAK] Behind Leela, the Doctor approaches silently pointing a blaster at her back, his hand covered in wispy tendrils. NUCLEUS (OOV.): Destroy. The reject must be destroyed. Kill. Kill. DOCTOR (OOV.): I can't. I won't. NUCLEUS (OOV.): You must. DOCTOR: Leela. LEELA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Leela, I can't stop it. He fires but Leela ducks. DOCTOR: Got to fight it. Got to fight it. His shots go wild as he struggles against the nucleus' willpower. LEELA: Doctor, what's wrong? He collapses to the floor and drops the blaster. On his hand, the tendrils disappear. Leela runs to him. LEELA: Doctor, what was all that? DOCTOR: I'm fighting for my mind. Whatever it was that attacked Safran and the others is also affecting me. LEELA: Why not me? DOCTOR: Perhaps because. Oh! I can feel it gathering strength to attack again. LEELA: The evil one? DOCTOR: Some kind of organism that attacks the mind, the intelligence. It's trying to take me over, Leela. It's trying to change me. LEELA: No, Doctor, please. DOCTOR: I need help. I must withdraw into myself, save strength. He goes limp and silent. LEELA: Why not me? She runs off, blaster in hand. [SCENE_BREAK] Lowe approaches Safran who raises his blaster. LOWE: No, wait. Contact has been made. LOWE: We are one, Safran. SAFRAN: Then why pursue me? LOWE: For the purpose. The Doctor has not yet succumbed to the power of the Nucleus. You will prepare the tanks for incubation. They do not suspect me yet. I will stay with them to guard the Nucleus and to destroy the reject. Leela comes running down the corridor. Lowe reacts. LOWE: Give me those. Get down! He takes Safran's goggles and pushes him to the floor. LEELA: Did you get him? LOWE: Yes, but he almost got me. My eyes caught a flash from his blaster. LEELA: Come with me. The Doctor's ill, very ill. He told me to get help. LOWE: But there are no facilities here. LEELA: Well, where, then? [SCENE_BREAK] NUCLEUS (OOV.): You must protect the host. LOWE: The nearest place is the Centre for Alien Biomorphology. But that's in the asteroid belt. LEELA: We'll take the TARDIS. Doctor, we're taking you somewhere to get help, but we need the TARDIS. Now, where are we going? LOWE: The Bi-Al Foundation, asteroid K four zero six seven. LEELA: What are the coordinates? Doctor, what are the coordinates? DOCTOR: Vector one nine, quadrant three. Seven four three. LEELA: Seven four three. DOCTOR: Eight zero zero. They carry him off. [SCENE_BREAK] The base is on a tiny natural satellite honeycombed with cavelike openings, a shuttle pad and a large transmitter/receiver tower. There is a medical shuttle sitting on the pad. Inside, the Doctor is already on a gurney wrapped in gold foil, and the attendants wheel him through the corridor to a body lift marked "Level 2X". They open the horizontal door and place the gurney into the lift. In the lobby Leela is attempting to handle the paperwork with the ultra- efficient nurse in green plastic entering frantically into the computer. WOMAN: Patient's name? LEELA: Er, just the Doctor. WOMAN: Place of origin? LEELA: Gallifrey. WOMAN: Ireland? LEELA: Oh, I expect so. WOMAN: Thank you, that's all we need for now. LEELA: But where is he? WOMAN: Level X4, Isolation, being datalysed. LEELA: Being what? WOMAN: Datalysed. Treatment is already underway. Are you next of kin? LEELA: Oh, no. Er, yes. I don't know. I expect so. Lowe hurries in, his eyes still covered by his visor. LOWE: Where's the Doctor? LEELA: They've taken him away to level X4. LOWE: X4? WOMAN: Isolation. What's your trouble? LOWE: Blaster flash. Accident. WOMAN: Eye section straight through. They'll deal with you there. LOWE: (to Leela) I'll find you later. LEELA: Can I be with the Doctor? WOMAN: Not until Professor Marius has had a chance to examine him. LEELA: Marius? WOMAN: He's our specialist in extraterrestrial pathological endomorphisms. LEELA: Oh. WOMAN: Wait over there, please. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the lab, Marius rises from K9. MARIUS: Blithering idiots, the pair of you. This man is in a self-induced coma. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the fellow. Oh, look at him. MARIUS: He's probably one of those good-for-nothing spaceniks. Now, why have I been sent for? Tell me that. Why? Complete and utter waste of time. PARSONS: Excuse me, sir. MARIUS: What, what, what, what, what? PARSONS: K9 indicates that the, the patient is not a member of the human race! MARIUS: Nonsense. PARSONS: Well, see for yourself. Look, two hearts. Symbiotic, self-renewing cell structure. MARIUS: Is this right, K9? K9: (for it is he) Affirmative, master. MARIUS: Is he now. Point of origin? K9: Beyond the solar system. MARIUS: Thank you, K9. K9: Master. MARIUS: Nurse, let's get an encephalograph out on him, hmm? MARIUS: Well, well, what is it? K9: Unidentified viral type infection with noetic characteristics, at present seated in the mind-brain interface and therefore having no ascertainable mass or structure, master. MARIUS: Interesting. Most interesting. It isn't every night that we come up with a brand new infection, is it, Parsons? PARSONS: No, sir. DOCTOR: Hello. MARIUS: Good evening. DOCTOR: Find anything? MARIUS: Not yet, my boy, but we will, we will. He pushes the Doctor back down. MARIUS: Ah, Doctor, I see. DOCTOR: Yes. What have you found? MARIUS: Cataleptic trance? DOCTOR: Yes. MARIUS: Self-induced. DOCTOR: Yes. MARIUS: Ha. Why? DOCTOR: Self-preservation. Whatever it is I'm suffering from seems to thrive on intellectual activity. MARIUS: Oh, I see. You mean that the harder you think, the more of a grip it seems to take? DOCTOR: Yes. Non-thinking is the only way to shake it off, but I can't stay mindless for eternity, can I. MARIUS: Oh, no, I take your point, I take your point. Now my computer here, he's DOCTOR: Ah. Hello. K9: Hello. DOCTOR: How are you? MARIUS: Well, he seems to think that it's noetic in character, that means it's only detectable during consciousness. DOCTOR: I know what noetic means. MARIUS: I'm sorry. DOCTOR: Mind-brain interface. MARIUS: Well, if it exists. DOCTOR: But of course. How stupid. That's why it attacked the TARDIS computer first. It was showing the greatest amount of mental activity. I was just idling, so to speak. MARIUS: When was this? DOCTOR: When we were first attacked. We were on our way to Titan. I assumed it was just a static build-up. Then when I checked the computer, it jumped into my mind, and that explains why Leela was MARIUS: Hmm? DOCTOR: Why Leela was unaffected. Have you met Leela? MARIUS: No. DOCTOR: She's all instinct and intuition. MARIUS: Oh. DOCTOR: That's why the virus rejected her. Of course. I begin to see it all now. MARIUS: Well, it's possible, it's possible. Was anyone else exposed to it? DOCTOR: Yes. The entire crew on Titan. Well, one exception. The supervisor, man called Lowe. K9: Supervisor Lowe has been seen in the eye section. MARIUS: Are you sure? K9: Affirmative. MARIUS: Are you sure that he was the, oh. Oh dear, he's gone again. I want him kept under constant observation. See to it, K9. Full monitoring. K9: Affirmative, master. MARIUS: Now let's see if we can find this chap Lowe, just in case he's a carrier. Come along, Parsons. PARSONS: Coming, sir. They exit the room. In the eye sekshun. [SCENE_BREAK] OPHTHALMOLOGIST: How did this happen? LOWE: Accident, on Titan. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Accident? What sort of accident? He doesn't answer. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Well, let's have a look at you. LOWE: Certainly. Slowly Lowe lifts his visor, then turns to the ophthalmologist. He zaps him with his eyes. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Contact has been made. [SCENE_BREAK] Leela is standing in the corridor near the body lift. She is still carrying her blaster, and she prowls the corridor as if she is looking for something. Back in the lab, K9 is performing his work. Leela comes running in. LEELA: Doctor! K9: Negative, negative, negative. No entry. No entry. LEELA: Look, whatever you are, I K9: I am K9 and I am warning you. LEELA: Look, I came to see the Doctor. I arrived with him. K9: I too have offensive capability. You have been warned. Retreat. Retreat. Patient in total isolation. Contagion risk. Retreat. Retreat. MARIUS: Who are you? LEELA: I am Leela. MARIUS: Ah, yes, of course. The Doctor's aide. LEELA: I think so. MARIUS: K9, memorise. Friend. K9: Memorised. Friend. LEELA: Is that tin thing something to do with you? MARIUS: That tin thing is my best friend and constant companion. He's a computer. You see, on Earth, I always used to have a dog. But up here, the weight penalty, well, it's just not possible. So I had K9 made up. He's very useful. He's my own personal data bank. He knows everything that I do, don't you, K9? K9: Affirmative, and more, master. MARIUS: I'm afraid there's not much I can tell you about the Doctor, yet. You know, I should like to have you scanned and datalysed, just to see why you're immune. You see, if we can isolate that factor, we can inoculate against it. You get it? LEELA: Sorry? MARIUS: Yes, perhaps it is a matter of intelligence. MARIUS: Right. Well, what about this Lowe chap? PARSONS: He was in the eye section, sir, but now he's disappeared. And the consultant. [SCENE_BREAK] The ophthalmologist pushes Lowe down the corridor on a gurney. LOWE: Who are they? OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Doctors. Cruikshank and Hedges. LOWE: Get them here. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Cruikshank? Hedges? Interesting case here. Come and have a look. The two come down the corridor to see. HEDGES: What is it? LOWE: Now! Lowe and the ophthalmologist shoot them with their eye lightning. CRUIKSHANK: Contact has been made. HEDGES: Contact has been made. LOWE: A place has been found, most suitable for our purpose. Titan is being prepared as a hive. Meanwhile, our duty here is twofold. To guard the Nucleus, which is in the mind of one called Doctor, and to make contact with the best minds. When we leave for incubation on Titan, all rejects will be destroyed. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Do you understand? HEDGES: (or Cruikshank) We understand. CRUIKSHANK: (or Hedges) Contact must be made. LOWE: For the purpose. Together they all stroll off. [SCENE_BREAK] MARIUS: Virus contamination would seem to be instant and total. If there's anything unique in her metabolism, the scan will detect it. K9: Negative on immunity, master. MARIUS: There must be something! PARSONS: What if there isn't? MARIUS: But he's our only guinea pig. He's the only one with any resistance to it. I can't allow him to be taken over like those poor devils on Titan. No, if there's no immunity factor in Leela, I will just have to operate. Out in the corridor, Lowe and his party approach. MARIUS: No anaesthetics, but keep them handy. K9, monitor the brain. If he shows signs of emerging from the coma, warn me immediately. Otherwise the shock might kill him. K9: Affirmative, master. [SCENE_BREAK] Out in the corridor. NUCLEUS (OOV.): Lowe. Lowe, I am endangered. The host is threatened. LOWE: We must act before it is destroyed. [SCENE_BREAK] Out in space, another nearby shuttle is attacked by the webby nucleus thing. [SCENE_BREAK] In Marius' lab, the reception nurse appears on screen. WOMAN: Emergency, all stations. All stations, emergency. Shuttle approach on collision course, out of control. All medical personnel stand by. Emergency, emergency. MARIUS: Now? Why now? PARSONS: We'll have to go, sir. MARIUS: Yes, yes, I know we have to go. K9, stay in charge. You stay with him. No one is to come into contact. Have you got that? No one. LEELA: All right. K9: Affirmative. MARIUS: Come along, Parsons! PARSONS: Coming, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside, the incoming shuttle speeds toward the tiny Bi-Al satellite. It draws closer until its nosecone comes into contact with the satellite. The impact produces an enormous sprinkly explosion. [SCENE_BREAK] In the lab, Leela doesn't notice as the sudden jolt knocks the Doctor off the bed. He gets back into it unassisted. He rests for a moment, then jumps to attention. DOCTOR: What was that? LEELA: There's been a crash. A shuttle. They've gone to help. K9: On level below. This level now completely cut off. DOCTOR: What! [SCENE_BREAK] Marius, Parsons and others are clearing debris from the impact area without work gloves which probably makes their hands hurt, except that it's really polystyrene and not CMU. [SCENE_BREAK] Nearby, the ophthalmologist comes around the corner upon Lowe and the others. They raise their blasters until they realize who it is. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: That way is blocked. LOWE: We have to get to level X4. There must be other ways. HEDGES: The service shaft here. CRUIKSHANK: It will take longer. LOWE: Then hurry. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the lab the nurse appears again on screen. WOMAN: All available personnel to X3, to X3 accident zone. DOCTOR: I don't think that was an accident. LEELA: Why? DOCTOR: It must be something to do with whatever's in my head. (to K9) Can I have a word with you? (to Leela) Where are you going? LEELA: I think I'm needed elsewhere. DOCTOR: K9. Cloning techniques. Give me a rundown, state of the art so far. K9: Cloning. Cloning is replication, making a copy of an individual from a single cell of that individual. Clones. Clones retain characteristics of original organism. DOCTOR: Go on, go on. K9: Successful experiments first carried out in the year thirty nine twenty two. DOCTOR: Thirty nine twenty two. Oh good. [SCENE_BREAK] MARIUS: If these two unfortunates have contracted the virus, we must assume that they all have. But if we attempt treatment, the disease will spread like wildfire and wipe out the entire Foundation. Everybody back. Clear the area. Get everybody out of here. I want the whole section cryogenically cocooned until we find out more about the nature of this virus. Get out the helium pumps. MAN: Yes, sir. They exit. MARIUS: Parsons, come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Elsewhere, Lowe's party climb off the lift to find Leela waiting. They exchange blaster fire. LOWE: Destroy her! That's the reject! LEELA: Reject yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the lab . DOCTOR: Hurry, K9, hurry. K9: At present, cloning procedure is possible, but unreliable. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside, Marius' people arrive outside the lab. LEELA: It's Lowe. He's got the disease. Get inside quick. I'll cover you. [SCENE_BREAK] Back inside. K9: Replicants do not maintain their existence for long because of possible unsolved psychic stress problems. DOCTOR: How long? How long? K9: Longest recorded clone life, ten mi... Marius switches off K9. MARIUS: Ten minutes, fifty five seconds. DOCTOR: Professor Marius, could you clone me? MARIUS: Certainly. The Kilbracken technique is very simple. But it's a circus trick. It's of no medical value. DOCTOR: Could you clone me now? MARIUS: Now? DOCTOR: Yes. Because if you don't clone me now and the virus gets to me, it'll take the whole centre with it. Leela is pinned down. She throws her knife to distract them. Lowe signals to go around the corridor, and Leela surprises them by tumbling quickly past and straight into the lab. The door closes behind her. LEELA: Can't hold them off any more. Out of ammunition. MARIUS: K9? K9: Master. MARIUS: Ka lay lee! K9: Affirmative. LEELA: What does that mean? MARIUS: He knows. K9 approaches the infected crewmembers, takes a few shots of blaster fire, and fires his own nose at one of the specialists who falls to the floor. [SCENE_BREAK] LOWE: We'll never get through this way. Is there a visiphone? OPHTHALMOLOGIST: In my office. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hurry, Marius. Hurry. MARIUS: Now, you must realise, Doctor, this is not in any real sense a clone, but a short-lived carbon-based imprint. A sort of three dimensional photograph. DOCTOR: Leela. I shall need Leela. MARIUS: Leela? Why? Why Leela? LEELA: What does he mean, he needs me? MARIUS: Ah, it must be because you are immune. I think he wants you cloned as well. LEELA: But what will happen to me? The real me? MARIUS: Nothing. Nothing at all. LEELA: But you said it was just short-lived. MARIUS: Oh, yes. A permanent clonal copy is theoretically possible, but it would take years to achieve because of the experiental gap. Now, you see, in this way, we manage to transfer both heredity and experience, but the transfer is unstable. LEELA: What? MARIUS: Well, it means that your photocopy twin will deteriorate and expire after a maximum life of ten or eleven minutes. LEELA: Oh, well, in that case, if you do not mind, I will not stay to see. MARIUS: Just as you wish. LEELA: Oh, Professor? MARIUS: Yes? Now what? LEELA: If you need me, I shall be with K9. MARIUS: Yes, yes, yes, yes. He goes into the chamber, puts something on the floor. Parsons operates a switch and inside the chamber appear clones of the Doctor and Leela. The Doctor clone opens the chamber door and exits, and heads for the lab door. MARIUS: Doctor, where are you going? Where are you going? The Doctor stands and doesn't say a word. MARIUS: Where are you going? He stops by the door and rubs his head. DOCTOR: Just you trust me, Professor. Just trust me. [SCENE_BREAK] Leela sits out in the corridor next to K9. The Doctor walks by. LEELA: Doctor? Which one was that? K9: That was the Doctor two. LEELA: Can you explain? K9: Affirmative. The Kilbracken cloning technique replicates from the single cell as a short-lived carbon copy. Efficacy of individuation not completely guaranteed. LEELA: Can you explain simply? K9: Negative. [SCENE_BREAK] Lowe comes upon an uninfected medic. OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Medic. He turns and they zap him with lightning. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the lab the Doctor's face is now covered in scales, and his body is strapped to the bed. NUCLEUS (OOV.): Release this body. You cannot prevail. I am the One. It is my purpose. It is my destiny. Let me go, you fools. NURSE: Shall we sedate him? MARIUS: Not yet, not yet. PARSONS: But the danger of contagion, sir. MARIUS: No, Parsons, we would all have caught it by now. PARSONS: But if the Doctor's right, sir, and the virus has intelligence, there must be some reason for choosing him. MARIUS: Yes, yes. I think we could be dealing with some kind of leader. NUCLEUS (OOV.): My purpose. You must not delay my purpose. The place of the hive is ready. Release me! The Doctor comes out of the TARDIS. Back in the lab, Lowe appears on the screen. LOWE: Professor Marius, listen to me. You must release the Doctor. MARIUS: Never! LOWE: I warn you. We are in control of the entire centre. If you do not do as I say, I shall destroy your Foundation! [SCENE_BREAK] In the corridor the Doctor passes Leela again. LEELA: That was Doctor two. K9: Affirmative. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the lab. LOWE (on screen): You have two minutes in which to decide. Either give us the Doctor, or your Foundation will be wiped out. The Doctor comes in carrying a device. MARIUS: Ah, Doctor, what are you doing? We've just had an ultimatum. DOCTOR 2: Don't you worry, Professor. If this doesn't work, the whole place'll be destroyed anyway. MARIUS: What is it? DOCTOR 2: It's a Relative Dimensional Stabiliser. RDS. PARSONS: What does it do? DOCTOR 2: It's part of a TARDIS control system, the part that allows me to cross the dimensional barrier. It's quite simple, really. It means I can change shape, large or small, as I wish. Yes. Won't keep you a moment. He opens the booth door briefly and talks over Leela's protest. LEELA 2: Why have I been left DOCTOR 2: Now listen, Professor. You operate the RDS. We'll be reduced to micro-dimensions. You'll then scoop us both up and inject us into my master-print there. Any questions? MARIUS: Yes. Why are you taking Leela? DOCTOR 2: Because she's immune and because she's a huntress. MARIUS: Of course, of course. Well, get on with it. There's not much time. Is there anything that we can do meanwhile? DOCTOR 2: Yes. Just stay here and hope we come back with the antidote. And Professor? MARIUS: Yes? DOCTOR 2: When we emerge, we'll be coming out through the tear duct. MARIUS: Right. Good luck. DOCTOR 2: Thank you. LEELA: K9, do I really look like that? K9: Affirmative. Inside the booth the clones grow smaller until they are no longer seen. Marius switches off the device, then takes a syringe from Parsons. He enters the booth and uses the syringe to collect the clones. Preparing the injection, he aims for the neck. MARIUS: Well, here we go. LOWE (on screen): Your time is up. Surrender the Doctor! MARIUS: Pleasant journey, Doctor. He pushes the plunger.
Plan: A: his intelligence; Q: What is the voice in the Doctor's head trying to take over? Summary: The Doctor draws into himself, fighting the voice in his own head that's trying to take over his intelligence.
THE TIME MONSTER BY: ROBERT SLOMAN 5:45pm - 6:10pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS MASTER: Now, what are we going to do about you though? You're an embarrassment to me. As indeed is that antiquated piece of junk of the Doctor's. Now let me see... (He looks down at the console.) JO: (On scanner.) I don't really care anymore. Do what you like. But just get it over with. MASTER: Your word is my command. (He stabs a control on the console.) MASTER: Goodbye, Miss Grant! (The slowed down, tortured sound of materialisation fills the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: VORTEX (In vortex, the two TARDIS's spin round, one superimposed over the other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The MASTER bursts into laughter as the image of JO on his scanner starts to rock wildly out of control prior to the two ship's separating.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: VORTEX (The two ships are no longer joined together. They spin off in different directions into the infinity of vortex.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (JO slowly comes to on the floor of the TARDIS. The air is filled with whispering voices.) JO: (Weakly.) Doctor... DOCTOR: (OOV.) Jo...Jo, are you in there? (She sits up in surprise.) JO: Doctor? (She gets to her feet and looks round in space, trying to locate the source of the voice.) JO: Well, it is you! DOCTOR: (OOV.) Thank heavens you're alive. JO: Oh, I'm so happy! Where are you? DOCTOR: (OOV.) I'm nowhere, Jo. I'm in the time vortex. The TARDIS is relaying my thoughts to you. JO: What are all those other voices I can hear? DOCTOR: (OOV.) What other voices? Oh...oh, those are my subconscious thoughts. But I shouldn't listen to them too hard if I were you. I...I'm not all that proud of some of them. JO: But I still don't understand? But you must be somewhere. Tell me how I can get you back? DOCTOR: (OOV.) Well, you can't, Jo, but luckily the TARDIS can. That's why she's put us in touch. JO: But what do you...I mean, w...w...what does she want me to do? DOCTOR: (OOV.) Well, go to control panel number three. (She walks round the console to one panel.) JO: Okay. DOCTOR: (OOV.) Now, lift the little lid marked "Extreme Emergency". (She lifts a lid on a small unit.) JO: Right. DOCTOR: (OOV.) The one with the red handle inside? JO: Mmm hm. DOCTOR: (OOV.) Alright, Jo, pull it! (She does so. With a sound of materialisation, the DOCTOR appears sat cross-legged on the floor. JO is still looking up into the air and fails to see him.) DOCTOR: Hello, Jo. JO: Doctor! (She rushes to him and hugs him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. ATLANTIS. FORECOURT OF THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (In Atlantis, two trumpeters blow large curved ceremonial horns. The people and the councillors of the land stand in the forecourt of the temple which is adorned with Doric columns. The entrance to the temple itself is an ornamental entrance at the rear. To the side is the palace of the King. The people wear a mixture of robes and have their hear long. The green robed and armoured guards carry tridents.) FIRST ATLANTIAN COURTIER: Open the doors! SECOND ATLANTIAN COURTIER: Open the doors! (To stirring music, the doors to the palace are opened and DALIOS steps out. He stands on the steps of the temple and waits. Behind him, four black slaves carry out a litter chair. In it sits a voluptuous red-headed woman, many years younger than DALIOS. She is adorned with gold over her luxuriant white robe and stroking a black cat which sits on her knee. The woman is GALLEIA, Queen of Atlantis. They place the chair next to DALIOS who bows to the council, as do the people. He then sits on a stone throne. A handmaiden, LAKIS, stands behind the Queen. A courtier - CRITO - slams down a staff three times on the stone floor.) CRITO: Peace, my brothers. His holiness, the most venerable priest of Poseidon, king of the ten kings, will hear his council. (HIPPIAS steps forward, to a cold smile from the Queen.) HIPPIAS: My lord, your holiness, most venerable priest of... DALIOS: (Smiles.) Yes, yes, yes, I hear you, friend. HIPPIAS: Lord, may I speak plainly? DALIOS: (Good humoured.) It would grieve me to think you would ever speak otherwise. Speak as a friend should speak. HIPPIAS: You are popular, Dalios. The people love you. Will their love fill their bellies in the winter when the granaries are empty? (DALIOS sits up sharply, a look of anger on his face. The crowd murmurs.) DALIOS: Your words are plain indeed, Hippias. What would you have me do? Order the rain to fall? HIPPIAS: Aye, Dalios, I would! (Another young councillor grabs HIPPIAS' arm.) MISEUS: Hippias! DALIOS: Have a care! (HIPPIAS is carried away with himself. He raises his voice.) HIPPIAS: Indeed, I shall have a care! A care for the people of Atlantis. A care that foolish superstition, old wive's tales, the fear of old men should not prevent our caring for them as our rank demands! MISEUS: He speaks the truth, O, King. DALIOS: You know not what you ask. (HIPPIAS ascends the steps and turns and faces the crowd.) HIPPIAS: Must I be plainer still?! I know quite well! I ask for the blessings out forefathers once enjoyed! I ask for the divine power to be given back to the land, from which it was most cruelly stolen! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The MASTER is working out his position on a map of Atlantis.) KRASIS: But, Master, why are we not in Atlantis? MASTER: My dear Krasis, I must work out our landing coordinates as accurately as possible. You see, your people must realise immediately that I am the Master, that I come from the gods and that I am bringing Kronos back to them. KRASIS: Where then will you arrive? MASTER: Why...smack in the middle of the temple, of course. (He points at a place on the map.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. ATLANTIS. FORECOURT OF THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (The meeting is getting more out of hand. DALIOS stands and raises his arms for silence.) DALIOS: (Shouts.) Brothers, silence! (The order is not instantly obeyed.) DALIOS: (Shouts.) Peace, peace, I say. (The crowd falls silent.) DALIOS: I shall speak plainly too. You ask for the blessings of the golden years. Yet there came a time when Atlantis grew to hate them. What would you have, Hippias? If you were master of Kronos, lord of time - ten crops in one season? A surfeit of fishes? An ocean of wine? Then take the barren soil as well, the stinking piles of rotting meat, an idle drunken people - I tell you: Kronos was a curse! HIPPIAS: But Dalios, I... CRITO: (Shouts.) Be silent! The King speaks! DALIOS: I have seen a temple, twice the size of this, fall through a crack in the very bedrock of the earth. I have seen a city drowned, a land laid waste by fire, so listen to the fears of an old man. For I tell you, if Kronos came again, Atlantis would be doomed, destroyed, never to rise again! (The crowd starts to mutter once more. It is GALLEIA who first hears the noise of the materialisation of the MASTER'S TARDIS. She gets to her feet.) GALLEIA: No, listen - I hear strange music. (The crowd fall silent and listen as well.) GALLEIA: There it is again. (In an empty space to one side of the temple, the computer unit appears and solidifies. GALLEIA: Look! DALIOS: Guards! (The guards surround the MASTER'S TARDIS with their tridents. The door in the side slides open and the MASTER emerges to gasps. He calmly pushes a trident aside and steps forward.) DALIOS: Who are you? MASTER: I am the Master. I come as an emissary from the gods. (DALIOS is almost amused.) DALIOS: Indeed? Any god in particular? MASTER: Of course, why should you trust me? (He snaps his fingers and KRASIS steps out of the TARDIS, to gasps of shock from the assembled people.) ATLANTEAN: Krasis! DALIOS: (Shocked.) Krasis! MASTER: Now do you believe me? DALIOS: What do you want? MASTER: To speak of the ancient mysteries - the secrets of the mighty Kronos. (There are more gasps of shock. DALIOS looks sternly at the MASTER.) DALIOS: You are brave indeed, oh Master. An emissary from the gods? Brothers, should I listen to this man? (GALLEIA steps forward, her eyes lit up. It is clear that she is very taken with the MASTER.) GALLEIA: He has the very bearing of a god himself. MISEUS: He appeared from the heavens like Zeus. DALIOS: I have seen many such tricks. Krasis? (The old high priest steps forward.) KRASIS: Most venerable, I have seen him! (The people gasp again.) KRASIS: I have seen the mighty one! (Even DALIOS is shocked at this...) DALIOS: You have seen Kronos? (To the MASTER.) We must speak together privately. The council is at an end. Come, lady. (He starts to walk back into the palace, followed by KRASIS. The MASTER also follows, but he stops momentarily to bow at the Queen. A look of understanding passes between them.) CRITO: The council is at an end. The king departs. Sound trumpets! (The MASTER follows the others. GALLEIA mutters to herself...) GALLEIA: He had the bearing of the gods. (This does not go un-noticed by HIPPIAS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The time sensor is once more active.) DOCTOR: There we are, Jo - on our way to Atlantis. JO: But you can't just take the TARDIS wherever you want, can you? I mean, you haven't even managed to fix it yet? Or have you? DOCTOR: No, not entirely, but the time sensor will lead us to where the Master's TARDIS is. JO: But not inside it? DOCTOR: No, that's right. Not this time. But we'll soon find out. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. ATLANTIS. FORECOURT OF THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (HIPPIAS is trying to gain entry to the palace and is being stopped by KRASIS.) HIPPIAS: But, Krasis, I beseech you! Please give me the chance! (Before KRASIS can reply, he hears the materialisation of the DOCTOR'S TARDIS. They run across the forecourt to where the sound is coming from and, with MISEUS and some guards, watch the police box appear next to the computer unit. The DOCTOR and JO step out, straight into a set of pointed tridents. The DOCTOR spots KRASIS almost immediately.) DOCTOR: Well, well, well. Isn't it a small world? KRASIS: You are still alive? DOCTOR: Yes, so it would seem. KRASIS: But not for long! Guards! (They are about to thrust their tridents into the pair but...) HIPPIAS: No! I forbid it! Are you mad? Who are these strangers? KRASIS: They are the enemies of the Master, and therefore the enemies of our people and our land. DOCTOR: We've come here to warn you that... KRASIS: (Interrupts.) Silence! (To HIPPIAS.) You will regret this interference, lord. (To a GUARD.) Take them to the King! GUARD: Come, this way. (The GUARD and his compatriots lead the DOCTOR and JO into the palace.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. KING'S TERRACE (DALIOS sits on a chair on his columned terrace which overlooks the buildings of the city. The MASTER stands before him and two guards stand on the door.) DALIOS: But if the high priest saw fit to break a scared trust, you think that good reason for the king to follow? (Behind a nearby pillar, GALLEIA stands hidden, listening to every word.) MASTER: Your high priest saw the crystal in my hands. He saw Kronos himself, saw him dominated by me. Krasis knows that I am the Master of Kronos. DALIOS: Krasis is but a slave at heart. MASTER: Maybe, but he has come to learn that it is as well to obey me. DALIOS: You seek to make me fear you? MASTER: Oh, not at all. (Unbidden, he sits next to the King and stares into his eyes.) MASTER: But if you will but see, like Krasis, that I am indeed the Master of Kronos, then naturally you will obey me... (His voice hardens as he attempts to hypnotise the King...) MASTER: You will obey me...you will obey me! (DALIOS smiles and bursts into laughter.) DALIOS: A very elementary technique of fascination! (He gets up.) DALIOS: I'm too old a fish, too old in years and in the hidden ways to be caught in such a net. (He looks down at the MASTER in amused contempt.) DALIOS: You are no emissary from the gods. MASTER: But you saw...! DALIOS: (Cutting.) Tell me then, what of great Poseidon? What did he have for breakfast? Fish, I suppose? And what of Zeus and Hera? What is the latest gossip from Olympus? Do tell me! MASTER: I underestimated you, Dalios. DALIOS: (Angrily.) I'm no child to play with such painted dolls. Kronos is not god, no titan. I know that and so do you. MASTER: The king is old in wisdom. DALIOS: Now you try to flatter me. You'll pull a string and want to see me dance. You shall not have the crystal! (The MASTER stands.) MASTER: I shall go now. I have nothing more to say to you! (He heads for the door but the guards cross their tridents.) DALIOS: You have said nothing to me yet. When you find the true words to speak, I will listen. (The guards let the MASTER through and follow him out. Across the room, GALLEIA watches from her hiding place.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. ANTECHAMBER TO TERRACE (A furious MASTER walks into the antechamber from the King's terrace - and straight into the DOCTOR and JO, escorted by HIPPIAS and their guards. The DOCTOR grins.) DOCTOR: Good afternoon! Now where have I seen that face before? (The MASTER looks stupefied. His mouth moves but no words come out.) DOCTOR: Can't think of anything to say? JO: How about "Curses, foiled again!"? (The two grin as the MASTER storms off.) HIPPIAS: Come this way. (He leads them towards the terrace.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S CHAMBER (Having returned from the terrace, GALLEIA walks into her own richly decorated stone chambers. Her face looks thoughtful.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. KING'S TERRACE (The DOCTOR, JO and HIPPIAS stand before the King.) DALIOS: Strangers are uncommon in our land. Who are you? DOCTOR: Er, this is Jo, Jo Grant, your majesty. DALIOS: You are welcome, Jo Jo Grant. Surely as in ancient times, a goddess has descend from Olympus. JO: But I'm not a goddess! Honestly, I'm not. DALIOS: No, no, of course you're not, my child. Forgive the clumsy gallantry of an old man. I'm afraid I'm sadly out of practice. Hippies? HIPPIAS: Lord? DALIOS: Take the lady Jo Jo Grant to the Queen while I talk with this, er...? JO: Oh, this is the Doctor. DALIOS: This learned man. HIPPIAS: This way, lady. (HIPPIAS opens the door. JO steps forward but looks back at the DOCTOR with reluctance.) DOCTOR: You'll be alright. (JO and HIPPIAS go.) DALIOS: Forgive the roughness of your welcome. Hippias has all the delicacy of a red-necked fisherman. DOCTOR: Nevertheless, he did save our lives, your majesty. DALIOS: Indeed? He kept that to himself. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S CHAMBER (GALLEIA sits on a divan, holding a hand mirror whilst LAKIS rearranges her hair.) GALLEIA: But what did you think of him, Lakis? LAKIS: He has the bearing of a god, lady. GALLEIA: My very thoughts. In fact, my very words. (Coldly.) Are you teasing me, girl? Would you dare? LAKIS: No, lady, no. (GALLEIA considers.) GALLEIA: No, I hardly think you would. (She moves the mirror round in order that she can see the girl's face.) GALLEIA: Are you frightened? I shan't be angered by your reply...if it is an honest one. LAKIS: I like...the lord Hippias better. (GALLEIA gives a short laugh.) GALLEIA: A sweetmeat. A confection for a child's taste. I prefer this Master. He would not claw you upon the tongue as Hippias does. LAKIS: He is a very handsome man, lady. GALLEIA: Handsome? Aye, he looked well enough. But his face, Lakis - it was a face of power. A man with such a face would dare risk the world to win his own desire. Hippias is but a boy, a petulant boy. (At that moment, the door to the chamber opens and HIPPIAS enters. He has heard these final comments.) HIPPIAS: I am a foolish one, no doubt, to trust a queen. (GALLEIA stands in anger.) GALLEIA: Foolish, certainly, to think himself man enough to love a queen. (Behind her, she hears LAKIS turning and leaving the chamber.) GALLEIA: No, Lakis, come back. The lord Hippias is not staying. HIPPIAS: The lord Hippias would not be here at all, but he has been sent on an errand by the King. GALLEIA: Then give me your message and go. (He turns and calls into the hallway where JO waits with a guard.) HIPPIAS: Lady! (To GALLEIA.) I did my best. GALLEIA: (Contemptuously.) He made you look a fool. (A very nervous JO walks in.) HIPPIAS: Lady Galleia, may I present to you the lady Jo Jo Grant. The King bids you treat her as an honoured guest. (JO steps forward and holds out her hand in twentieth century custom.) JO: How do you... (She sees the cold look that the Queen gives her and steps back.) JO: Greetings. (GALLEIA bows her head in greeting.) GALLEIA: Greetings, lady. You come from a far land? JO: It couldn't be much further. HIPPIAS: She and her companion fell from the skies - as did the Master. GALLEIA: A day of wonders. JO: You can say that again! GALLEIA: Why should I say it again? Lakis? (LAKIS steps forward.) GALLEIA: Show the lady Jo Jo Grant... JO: Oh, it's just Jo, actually. GALLEIA: Your pardon. Show the lady Jo to a guest room. (She looks over JO'S short-skirted dress, boots and fun-fur coat.) GALLEIA: And give her attire more fitting to a lady of the court. LAKIS: Yes, lady. JO: Thank you. LAKIS: (To JO.) This way. (They start to walk out.) GALLEIA: And Lakis? Return quickly. I have an errand for you. LAKIS: Yes, lady. (They leave for the inner rooms.) HIPPIAS: And none for me to run? A flower perhaps? A token of undying love to some lordling of the court. But no, it would be dead before it were delivered. (GALLEIA steps forward, her lips pursed and her eyes cold...) GALLEIA: You are impertinent! Remember, I am Galleia, Queen of Atlantis, daughter of kings and wife of Dalios. So, have a care. (She strokes his cheek and steps away.) HIPPIAS: Your pardon. I took you for another. I knew Galleia once, you see? The woman, not the queen. A sweet and loving lady. I took you for her. Please do forgive me. (She has her back to him. She does not turn.) GALLEIA: You may go. HIPPIAS: I thank you, lady. (He steps out a closer the door. GALLEIA sits on the divan.) GALLEIA: Lakis? Lakis, come to me at once. (LAKIS enters and stands warily.) GALLEIA: Come closer. (She does so.) GALLEIA: Go to the lord Master, and when no one is near, say quietly to him only one word... LAKIS: What word, lady? GALLEIA: Kronos. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. KING'S TERRACE (EVENING) (Night is approaching and from the terrace, the city is almost in darkness. The DOCTOR and DALIOS' conversation continues as the King paces the terrace in a distracted manner.) DALIOS: Kronos, Kronos, Kronos... I am the last alive who has known, who has seen, who remembers with a terror of twisted guts. And these fools would have me bring him back. DOCTOR: Well, why didn't you destroy the crystal? DALIOS: We tried and merely split the f...smaller crystal from it. It cannot be destroyed. DOCTOR: Yes, of course. Just like the TARDIS. It has its being outside time and its appearance is here. DALIOS: You are a philosopher, friend. DOCTOR: Well, if wisdom is to seek the truth, I am, yes. (DALIOS sits next to the DOCTOR, growing fearful as he speaks.) DALIOS: Then help me, Doctor. Help me to find a way to stop these evil men. Help me to save Atlantis from destruction! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S CHAMBER (EVENING) (LAKIS shows the MASTER into GALLEIA'S chamber by the back entrance. The room is now lit by torches but the Queen is not there.) MASTER: Where is she? LAKIS: If you will please wait, lord. MASTER: The Master waits for no one. I shall return when the Queen is ready to speak with me. (He turns for the door but GALLEIA is there already, her cat in her arms.) GALLEIA: Please stay. Lord, great lord, be seated. (She gestures at the divan. The MASTER bows but does not sit.) GALLEIA: The wine, Lakis. (LAKIS brings forward two golden goblets and hands them out.) GALLEIA: You may go. Minister to the needs of our guest. (LAKIS goes into the inner rooms. The Queen and her guest sit on the divan with their wine. The MASTER looks into GALLEIA'S eyes, but attempts a more subtle form of hypnotism.) MASTER: Lady Queen, you are beautiful. (GALLEIA almost purrs...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S GUEST ROOM (EVENING) (JO comes out from behind a screen. She wears a long, multi-coloured Atlantian robe. Over her own hear, she wears a long golden wig in the braided style of the women of the court. She looks in a mirror as LAKIS looks on smiling.) JO: Wow! What a groovy dress! Do you reckon it'll get mum's approval? LAKIS: (Puzzled.) Mum? Oh, you mean Queen Galleia? JO: Yeah, guess so. LAKIS: (Laughs.) Mum! JO: Anyway, let's go and give her a preview. (She heads for the door.) LAKIS: No, I'm sorry. She does not wish to be disturbed. The lord Master is with her. JO: Is he now? LAKIS: They speak of the sacred mysteries. JO: Kronos and all that bit? LAKIS: (Shocked.) It is forbidden! JO: But that is what they're on about? LAKIS: Yes. JO: Right. (She starts to pull the door open.) LAKIS: No, you mustn't go in - you mustn't! JO: Look, I'll be quiet as a... Do they have mice in Atlantis? LAKIS: Yes. JO: Well, that's what I'll be as quiet as - an Atlantian mouse, okay? (She opens the door a crack and listens...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S CHAMBER (EVENING) (...as within.) GALLEIA: You're a man who knows what he wants, lord Master. MASTER: And takes it. GALLEIA: You want the crystal? MASTER: (Nods.) I am going to possess it. GALLEIA: Not without my consent. MASTER: Of course not. But, erm, I am confident that you will give it. GALLEIA: Why should I help you? MASTER: For the sake of Atlantis, lady. Would you not see her restored to her former glory? Rich, powerful, magnificent among the nations of the world? (Laughs quietly.) Who would not be ruler of such a country? GALLEIA: (Quietly insistent.) Nothing must happen to Dalios. MASTER: Why should it? He will rule for many years - the beloved sovereign of a beloved prosperous people. GALLEIA: But surely you would want to... MASTER: Well, purely because of lord Dalios' great age, it might be well if he were "relieved" of some of the more onerous duties of kingship. But the reins of power, Lady Queen, should be in stronger hands - hands such as yours. (He puts a gloved hand over her be-jewelled one. She completes the pact by putting her left hand on top.) GALLEIA: And yours? MASTER: It would be a pleasure to serve you. And then, when the end comes for Dalios, as...it must come for all men, then perhaps? GALLEIA: The crystal shall be yours. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S GUEST ROOM (EVENING) (JO and LAKIS look at each other.) MASTER: (OOV: Within chamber.) Tell me - where is it kept? [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S CHAMBER (EVENING) GALLEIA: Deep in the earth... MASTER: Mm hmm. GALLEIA: Beneath the temple. Dalios has the key. (Smiles.) Oh, and Krasis has the key. MASTER: Well then, Krasis will take me there. I'll speak with him immediately. GALLEIA: I wish it were as simple as that. No one can get near, save Dalios himself. It's certain death to try. MASTER: What is the danger? (GALLEIA looks fearful.) GALLEIA: The guardian. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. KING'S TERRACE (NIGHT) (Torches have also been lit on the terrace as night has now fallen.) DOCTOR: Yes, but who is the guardian? DALIOS: A beast - a man. You can take your choice. Once he was my friend, a fellow councillor, a great athlete. And just as I longed for the wisdom the years alone could bring, so he craved great strength. The strength of the bull and a long life in which to use it. DOCTOR: Well, it's a harmless enough ambition, I should have thought? DALIOS: So should I. But Kronos in his blind sport gave him his desire. But not only the strength - the head of a bull. And so he has remained for the past five hundred years or more. DOCTOR: (Realising.) It's the minotaur. DALIOS: (Puzzled.) Please? DOCTOR: It doesn't matter. Please go on. DALIOS: Well, there's little more to tell. No one else shall suffer as he has suffered. Till the last day of his life, for which he longs so ardently, he will guard the crystal. No one can approach it. To try is certain death. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S CHAMBER (NIGHT) (KRASIS has been summoned to the Queen's chamber. She relaxes on the divan while the MASTER and KRASIS stand before her.) MASTER: Would you like to volunteer, Krasis? KRASIS: (Shocked.) No, lord, no! GALLEIA: Very well then. We shall send one down who is mighty with the sword, and who longs with all his heart to seize the crystal. One whose death would be of little account. KRASIS: But who, Lady? GALLEIA: (Smiles.) Hippias, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S GUEST ROOM (NIGHT) (JO and LAKIS come back from the door. The handmaiden is distraught.) LAKIS: What can we do? What can we do? JO: We'll tell the Doctor. That's what we can do. Now, take me to the King. LAKIS: Oh, I dare not, Lady Jo. JO: Would you rather let your precious Hippias face that creature? (LAKIS summons her courage.) LAKIS: Oh well, come quickly then! (She takes her to a rear door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. QUEEN'S ANTECHAMBER (NIGHT) (LAKIS checks that the coast in clear.) LAKIS: This way. (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. ATLANTIS. FORECOURT OF THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (NIGHT) (They approach the steps to the palace from the temple. Two trident-armed sentries stand on duty. The tridents are crossed in their path when they attempt to approach the main doors.) GUARD: Halt! JO: Take me to the King. (The door to the palace opens and CRITO walks out.) CRITO: The King is not to be disturbed. JO: But I've got to see the Doctor! It's a matter of life and death! CRITO: Indeed it is - yours. JO: Will you hear what I've got to say? LAKIS: Come, my lady. (LAKIS pulls JO away and they whisper.) JO: (Whispers.) What's the matter? LAKIS: (Whispers.) Have a care. The Lord Crito is no friend to Hippias. JO: (Whispers.) ... (They suddenly hear movement across the forecourt. LAKIS pulls JO into the shadows and they watch as a door opens and KRASIS and HIPPIAS come out. HIPPIAS is armed with a sword. They move off.) JO: Right, they're going now. I'll follow them. You try to get in and tell the Doctor, and the King for that matter. Alright? Now take care. (JO follows the two men who cross towards the entrance to the temple. KRASIS beckons HIPPIAS onwards and JO watches as HIPPIAS draws his sword and walks in.) JO: (In a shocked whisper.) No! (She runs across the forecourt and into the temple.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (NIGHT) JO: No, Hippias! Don't go in there! (From the shadows, KRASIS jumps out and grabs her. For all his great age, he manages to pull her away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON. CATACOMBS (NIGHT) (The great wooden door is opened and JO is thrown to the floor. The door is pulled to behind her. She gets up and starts hammering on it.) JO: Open the door and let me out! (She turns. From the darkness of the columns comes the bellow of an animal. JO looks over in the direction of the sound and a look of sheer terror appears on her face...)
Plan: A: TARDISes; Q: What does the Doctor and Master use to reach Atlantis? A: the Doctor; Q: Who befriends King Dalios? A: the Master; Q: Who enlists the help of Queen Gallea to try to obtain the crystal of Kronos? A: the help; Q: What does the Master enlist from Queen Galleia? Summary: Both TARDISes reach Atlantis, where the Doctor befriends King Dalios while the Master enlists the help of Queen Galleia to try and obtain the crystal of Kronos.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Freya: Dahlia is the most powerful witch I've ever seen. She craves more power still... and that is why she will come here... to take the child's power for herself. Rebekah: You haven't gotten any sleep lately? Davina: I've been here studying all this stuff since Kol died. Klaus: The wolves need a new leader. I can help you become the leader your pack deserves. Josh: You want to call things off because it'd look weird for a werewolf VP to be dating me. Aiden: I'm just trying to keep you safe. Freya: Dahlia has the power to kill anyone who stands in her way. Elijah: (sympathetically) And you know how to stop her. Freya: Given the proper materials, yes. I've sent father to procure them. Klaus: (furious) You put the life of my child in the hands of Mikael? Elijah: Nothing will happen to that child, but we have to consider every weapon at our disposal, brother. Dahlia is coming. (Fussing) Hey, hey, hey. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] (Hayley and Jackson are walking down the streets of the French Quarter as Hayley pushes Hope in a stroller. The two talk to each other as they pass locals and tourists milling around the street, along with street musicians who are playing various instruments. Hope coos at Hayley, who giggles and tickles the little girl) Jackson: Well, Mrs. Marshall-Kenner, now that you've got a real local to show you around the quarter, where would you like to start? Hayley: Well, Mr. Kenner, I'd ask to see your old haunts, but we do have an impressionable, young lady with us. Come on. Look. Ha ha! (Hayley tickles Hope again, and she giggles. They come upon a violinist on the sidewalk who is playing an upbeat tune, and so they stop to listen) Hayley: (to Hope) Whoa! (The violinist continues playing the tune a little longer before smiling and dramatically ending the song. Hayley smiles back at the woman and drops some money into her violin case) Hayley: (to the violinist) Thanks! (As Hayley, Jackson, and Hope walk away, the violinist starts playing a much slower tune, the exact same tune that Dahlia used to sing to Freya. Hayley pauses, looking unnerved as she looks over at the violinist, who is staring at them, and Jackson looks at Hayley in concern) Hayley: (shivers) That song... What is it? (They look back at the violinist again, who is still staring at them creepily, and Hayley, alarmed, quickly turns back around and starts walking. As they head down the street, Hayley starts scanning their surroundings and sees a waiter writing a message onto the chalkboard outside of a restaurant that reads, "A promise made is a debt to be paid." Hayley becomes even more alarmed, but tries her best to play it cool in case someone else is watching. Suddenly, they're stopped by a man holding a large, long-stemmed red and black flower in his hand) Flower salesman: Flowers, miss. (He holds it out to Hope) A gift for the child. Jackson: (senses Hayley's alarm) No, we're alright. Thank you! Flower salesman: You sure? (Hayley looks at the man suspiciously as he holds up the flower) Black dahlias are in bloom. They're quite lovely. (Hayley, now fully afraid, starts to walk past him, but the man grabs her tightly by the arm as both of his eyes turn pure white. Out of nowhere, Klaus appears and shoves the man against a light post as he puts him in a choke-hold) Klaus: (growls) Show yourself, witch. (Suddenly, Jackson is overwhelmed by an unknown force as the flower salesman's eyes return to normal. After a moment, Jackson's eyes become pure white, indicating that he's being temporarily possessed by Dahlia) Hayley: (startled) Klaus! (Klaus turns to find Jackson standing straight in front of them) Jackson/Dahlia: I am here. I am everywhere, and I intend to take what is mine. (Klaus scowls at him, while Hayley looks terrified) Klaus: (shocked) It's her. (Jackson groans as Dahlia leaves his body, and he looks completely confused when he sees Hayley and Klaus staring at him in shock and fear) Jackson: (concerned) Hey, what just happened? Klaus: (sighs) Dahlia. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Hayley, Rebekah, Klaus, Freya, and Elijah are convening in the dining room to discuss what has just occurred) Klaus: (displeased) Isn't that the point of a fortress? It does a better job of protecting you when you stay within its walls? Hayley: (annoyed and embarrassed) OK! We get it. Now, let's just figure out what the hell we're gonna do. Klaus: (shouts) What I would like to do is take a strong leash... Elijah: (politely cuts him off) Children, please. Niklaus, your ire is justified. However, Hayley is quite right. (Hayley shrugs and gives Klaus a smug look) We need to find a new strategy. Freya, if you please... Freya: (sighs defeatedly) The spell you described, Dahlia calls it "kenning", using proxies to watch her enemies from afar. (Klaus looks at her, half-suspicious, half-curious, and Freya pauses, looking overwhelmed) But, I've never seen it done on quite this scale. Hayley: (sighs in frustration) Awesome. So, basically every hurricane-chugging, boob-flashing tourist on Bourbon Street is a potential spy. Freya: The good news is, I know a little about how her magic works. (She gestures at a tray she has set up that has a silver tea kettle and five tea cups full of brown liquid on saucers) This tonic will at least prevent her from using any of us. (Rebekah and Freya each reach for a cup) Rebekah: (looks at the others) Well, come on! This should work like a charm! (Elijah sits down at the table, and he and Hayley each grab a cup as well. However, Klaus remains standing where he is and doesn't move to join them) Rebekah: (raises her glass) Bottoms up! (The four of them drink their tonics, and Elijah holds out the fifth cup for Klaus, who simply stares at it) Elijah: (sighs in annoyance) Niklaus, is there something you wish to contribute? Klaus: (shrugs) I prefer biscuits with my tea. (Elijah rolls his eyes as he sets down Klaus' cup) Elijah: (mutters under his breath) Of course. Klaus: (ignores him) Besides, our minds are far too strong to be invaded by kenning spells. (Elijah rolls his eyes again and sips his tonic) So what we experienced was a test. Dahlia is watching to see how we respond to aggression. She's preparing for battle. My guess is sooner, rather than later. Hayley: Well, if she was watching us, she would know that we have our own army. Elijah: She also knows where we are, and, given the immense nature of her power, we simply have no idea what to expect from her. What we need is to create a new stronghold, something that Dahlia knows nothing about, a sanctuary from any witchcraft. Freya: That's a fine strategy. I offer another. We could use Jackson to trace her magic back to its source, find out exactly where she is. (Everyone looks to Hayley, who considers this for a moment. She looks over at Klaus, who merely smiles and raises his eyebrows at her, before she sighs) Hayley: (reluctantly) Fine. Do it. Klaus: (pleased) Good! Then it's settled. Off you pop to your respective tasks! Me? I've always been of the opinion that the best defense is a good offense. So I'm gonna find a way to murder that God-forsaken witch. (He smiles evilly) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] (A saddened Davina has arrived to where Kol/Kaleb Westphall was buried in the cemetery, where she leaves a bouquet of flowers at his tombstone before brushing the stone with her fingertips. Judging by the number of identical bouquets surrounding the tomb, Davina has been here often since his death. After a moment, Klaus appears behind her, and she senses his presence) Davina: (sighs in annoyance) What do you want, Klaus? Klaus: (smiles) Well, perhaps I'm merely concerned about you. You do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in graveyards for a teenager. It's a rather morbid habit. Davina: (sarcastically) Well, I am touched by your concern. Anything else? Klaus: Now that you mention it, there is one matter with which I can use your help... Mikael. It appears my sister Freya has dispatched him to gather some items I require, and, seeing as how you brought him back from the dead, I'm guessing you have the means to find him. Davina: (turns toward him, unamused) Sorry. I'd love to help, but I'm busy mourning another dead boyfriend. (She's about to leave, but Klaus holds out a hand to stop her, and his demeanor becomes serious) Klaus: Do you think you're the only one who grieves my brother? (Davina sighs, knowing that he's right) I understand you hope to bring Kol back. Resurrection spells can be very tricky. They tend to require a remnant from the dearly departed. I, myself, am the guardian of Kol's remains, the ashes of his true body. (Davina looks interested) Now, I might be inclined to entrust them to you, were myself feeling helpful. Davina: Fine. I'll find Mikael for you, and you'll give me Kol's ashes. Deal? (Klaus smiles at her) [SCENE_BREAK] [ AIDEN'S APARTMENT ] (Josh and Aiden are shirtless and laying in bed together, holding each other's hands) Aiden: We should probably get up now. Josh: Yeah. Yeah, definitely, 100%. Aiden: (turns toward him) So it's settled, then, huh? Josh: I'm basically already out the door... Aiden: (laughs) Oh, yeah? Josh: (smiles) Or we could stay in bed all day long... Aiden: Ooh. Josh: You know, with some Netflix, Chinese food, probably some other stuff. Aiden: Mm... (They both start to laugh when Aiden's phone begins to buzz, interrupting their conversation. When Aiden sees the caller ID, he sits up) Aiden: (groans) Oh, I should probably, uh, get this. It's Jackson. Josh: (slightly suspicious) Yeah. Yeah. No. I got it. Wolf business. (He gets out of bed) I'm gonna grab a shower. (Once Josh has shut himself in the bathroom, Aiden answers the phone. It's Klaus, who is still in the cemetery with Davina. While Aiden talks to Klaus, he starts to get dressed) Aiden: (whispers) Yeah? Klaus (on phone): (brightly) Aiden! It seems your big, bad Alpha has been compromised. Aiden: (shocked) What? What happened? Klaus: Relax! Jackson is fine. He's just offered proof of his general inadequacy. I can't trust him to guard Hope. So, while my hands are full, I need you to serve as my eyes and ears. Get to the compound. Report back anything I should know, especially where my daughter is concerned. Aiden: (anxiously) Yeah. Um, sure thing. I'm on my way. Klaus: Good lad. (Aiden hangs up on him, looking conflicted) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON MANSION ] (Hayley comes into hers and Jackson's bedroom with a cup of Freya's tonic for Jackson, who is sitting at the end of the bed, looking stressed and guilty. She walks toward him and sits next to him) Hayley: Hey, you OK? Jackson: (unhappy) That witch got in my head. I could have hurt you, hurt the baby. Hayley: (hands him the tea cup) Here. Drink this. Freya said it will keep her from getting in again. Jackson: (drinks the tonic) I could feel her, Hayley. Dahlia, she is nothing but darkness. I say we take Hope and the pack and we leave town. Tonight. Hayley: (confused) We can't just run from our home, Jack. Jackson: You and hope are my home, and running isn't a sign of weakness. It's what wolves do. I know every inch of that bayou. Out there, we're the predator. We can keep her safe. At the very least, it will buy us some time to figure out how to get rid of Dahlia for good. Hayley: What about Klaus? Elijah? Rebekah? They're Hope's family. Jackson: (rubs his face in frustration and stands up) You know who else is part of that family? Dahlia! (Hayley sighs, understanding his point. Jackson looks as though he feels bad for his outburst, and his tone becomes gentler) Look. I don't back away from a fight, ok, but this one started 1,000 years ago. It's not our war... and it certainly ain't your daughter's. (Hayley sighs and considers this idea for a moment) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] (Klaus walks down the street to meet Davina, who is waiting impatiently for him on a bench) Davina: So, what's the deal, anyway? Aiden at your beck and call now? Klaus: (sits down next to her) I'm simply mentoring a promising young wolf. Davina: Josh isn't gonna be too happy when he finds out about it. Klaus: (rolls his eyes) And I am shaking in my boots at the mere thought of his displeasure. You see, Davina, Josh and Aiden are in love, which means they both have something to lose, thus making them all too easily manipulated, should the need arise. (Davina looks at him for a moment and frowns. Klaus notices this and looks at her in confusion) Davina: (deadpans) It must really suck to have to be you all the time. Klaus: (shrugs, mildly offended) Well, it hasn't been a picnic, honestly. Davina: (sighs) You know, the thing is, you have that thing, too, don't you? (Klaus sighs and smiles at her mockingly) Someone you love more than anything, even yourself. (Klaus' smile falls at the mention of Hope) How does that feel, to be one of us? Someone with something to lose? (Before Klaus can respond, Davina spots a cab pulling up to the curb and gestures toward it) Davina: Klaus, there. (The back door of the cab opens, and Mikael steps out onto the street, where Klaus appears behind him. When Mikael senses his presence, he turns to face him) Mikael: Well, well, well, well, if it isn't the b*st*rd himself. Have you come looking for another beating, boy? Klaus: (unimpressed) As much as I'd love to kill you again, I wonder if our interests might be better served by joining forces. You know full well the threat we face... so, how about it, Father? Care to join your b*st*rd son on a witch-hunt? (Mikael smiles, clearly intrigued) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. JAMES INFIRMARY ] (Marcel, Elijah, and Josephine are standing in the middle of the St. James Infirmary club, which looks as though it's in the middle of renovation. Josephine smiles as she looks around) Josephine: Oh, this was quite the place back in my day, St. James infirmary... Vulgar, filthy, loud, some of the best nights of my life, but I assume you didn't go through all this trouble on my account. Marcel: As you know, for years, this place served as neutral grounds for both our communities. A place where all were welcome and safe. Elijah: And, in keeping with that tradition, we'd like to invite you to cast a spell. One that would prevent the use of magic within these walls. Josephine: (appalled) You'd ask me to create a place where my kind would be utterly helpless? Elijah: (smiles politely) My dear Josephine, powerful as you are, surely you must have sensed this grave new threat? Josephine: (nods) And I am not without empathy, but I have a responsibility to the witches. This is not our fight. Elijah: (displeased) Well, then, I do hope you understand that anyone willing to stand aside and allow my family to be threatened... I would be forced to consider an enemy. Josephine: (gives him a hard look) As I said, Elijah, I am not without empathy. (She looks around the building) Perhaps a traditional blessing to dispel unwanted spirits? A barrier against those who mean to do us harm? (Elijah smiles approvingly, and Josephine thinks about it for a moment before nodding) Yes, a blessing combined with a disruption spell should do the trick. (Elijah seems happy with this compromise) [SCENE_BREAK] [ RUE ST. LOUIS RESTAURANT ] (Klaus and Mikael are sitting across from each other at a small table in a restaurant, where Klaus is openly gripping the indestructible white oak stake in his hand on top of the table. A waitress comes to take their order and looks at the stake curiously) Waitress: You want some fries with that stake? (Klaus laughs in amusement, but Mikael remains stone-faced) I bought one of my own at Marie Laveau's voodoo shop. Klaus: I'll have a bourbon, please, sweetheart. (The waitress turns to Mikael for his order, and he just sighs in annoyance) Mikael: (growls) Nothing. Leave us. (The waitress gives Klaus a confused look and reluctantly leaves them to talk) Mikael: I despise this city. Klaus: Cut to the chase, shall we? Your precious Freya told me she sent you off to procure certain items that will expedite the death of your sister-in-law. May I assume you completed your task? Mikael: There are 3 elements total. Combined, they represent Dahlia's sole weakness. (Klaus seems intrigued) If you'd like to try and take them, by all means, have at it. Klaus: Your mind always drifts to violence, doesn't it, even when you're so clearly outmatched. What was it you tried teaching us? Ah, yes, (Klaus mocks Mikael) .. "The true Viking warrior hones his fear like a blade!" Mikael: (annoyed) Did you come here to critique my parenting skills or to whine about how little you were loved? You were weak before, but you are weaker still. Klaus: (holds up the stake) If you truly thought me weak, you would snatch this weapon from my hand, but you don't because you know better. (Mikael looks angry, but doesn't move, confirming Klaus' suspicions) I suggest we focus on our common enemy. Rather than bringing your materials to Freya, drawing her into a fight she may not survive, why not join me? If we win, both our daughters will be free. If we lose, (Klaus smiles) .. well, at least you'll die knowing the b*st*rd finally got his due. (Mikael sighs, but seems to be considering Klaus' offer) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Jackson is laying on the table, where Freya is drawing an infinity symbol on his bare chest using the burned end of a sage smudge-stick. Hayley and Rebekah watch worriedly as she works) Freya: By doing this, we should be able to trace Dahlia's signature all the way back to the source of her power, but I'll need to dig deep. (She looks up at Rebekah) Rebekah, if I may channel you... (Rebekah looks uneasy, but she nods in agreement. Hayley looks down at Jackson in concern) Hayley: Are you sure you're OK with this? Jackson: (laughs nervously) Piece of cake! (Hayley sighs and looks over at the girls. Rebekah takes Freya's hands in hers and holds them over Jackson's body as they both begin chanting the spell) Freya & Rebekah: Inveniere potencia reparon. Inveniere potencia reparon. (As the girls chant, Jackson's back arches painfully as he groans, clearly in agony. After a moment, Rebekah looks up at Freya and sees a vision of Dahlia standing behind her, holding her hand on Freya's shoulder. Startled, Rebekah immediately lets go, though Freya assumes she did so because of Jackson's pain, and she stares at her hands in fright) Freya: (gently) Rebekah... we need to continue. Rebekah: (shocked) I... (Hayley looks concerned as her eyes move from Freya to Rebekah in confusion) Hayley: What is it? Rebekah: (looks at Freya, appalled) Uh, you. You're the reason Dahlia is able to cast such powerful spells. (Freya looks alarmed and begins shaking her head in disagreement, but Rebekah continues on) She's channeling you! (Hayley looks at Freya, clearly feeling betrayed, but Freya appears as though this revelation is news to her) Hayley: This whole time, you've been helping her! Freya: (shakes her head, obviously upset) I had no idea! (She begins to pace anxiously) She must have found me. (She starts to walk toward Rebekah) She wants to turn you against me! Hayley: (shoves her backward) Get away from my husband! Rebekah: (breaks them apart) Stop! (She puts a comforting hand on Freya's shoulder) Freya, I want to trust you, I do, but... you said it yourself... you're bonded to Dahlia. I'm sorry, but it's better that you go. Please. (Freya looks hurt, but she doesn't fight them on it, she simply turns and leaves the compound) [SCENE_BREAK] [ RUE ST. LOUIS BAR & RESTAURANT ] (Klaus and Mikael continue to discuss the Dahlia situation over bourbon) Klaus: (smiles) Father and son, working together. (Mikael lifts the bourbon to sip it, but when he sniffs the liquor, he grimaces and puts the glass down without drinking it) I admit, I never thought I'd live to see the day, and that's something, coming from me. Mikael: (unamused) And what makes you think I need your help? Others may tremble at the mere mention of your name, but I know you for what you truly are... a little boy desperate for a daddy. Klaus: 1,000 years ago, perhaps, but I think we can both agree the intervening centuries have turned me into an altogether different beast. Your cruelty made sure of that, and I am vicious and hateful just like you. It's precisely those qualities that make us uniquely suited for murdering that witch. Mikael: (unconvinced) And why would I trust you? Klaus: Because my daughter's life depends on it! And you love yours, as I love mine. You see, we're fighting for the same thing, you and I, to save the lives of the only ones who do not see us for the monsters that we truly are. Mikael: (surprised by this answer) All right, Niklaus. Tell me what you propose. Klaus: (quietly) You have the means to make the weapon we need. All that remains is to go for the kill. (Before Mikael can respond, he sees their waitress, whose eyes have turned pure white, standing outside the window next to their table. She raises her hand toward them and uses magic to break the glass, forcing Mikael and Klaus to quickly dive out of the way to avoid the blast. Once the explosion is over, the waitress' eyes return to normal, and she walks away in confusion. Mikael and Klaus look at each other warily) Mikael: It would appear Dahlia shares that sentiment. (Mikael turns to leave, but Klaus grabs him by the arm and swings him around to face him) Klaus: One final hunt together, then? (Mikael rolls his eyes) Do try to keep up, old man. (Mikael turns around again to leave the restaurant, and Klaus smirks as he follows him out the door) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] (A shaken Freya is walking down the streets of the Quarter when suddenly, all of the locals and tourists milling around stop in their tracks and turn toward her, watching her make her way down the street. Freya becomes unnerved and slows down, and as she looks around, she spots a young woman whose eyes have turned white, indicating that Dahlia is watching her) Freya: (alarmed) No. (She turns around and starts to run away) No! (Before she can go anywhere, Dahlia appears in front of her, blocking her way) Dahlia: There you are, after all these centuries. Hello, my Freya. (Freya looks afraid beyond all measure) Freya: Dahlia... (After the break, Dahlia raises a hand as Freya watches her fearfully, afraid of what she's planning on doing to her. However, when she waves her hand, the rest of the townspeople simply return to what they were doing) Dahlia: Hmm, how convenient that I find you here, mere footsteps from that which is owed to me. (Freya continues to stand frozen in terror as Dahlia circles around her in a predatory manner) Let me guess. Did you make a promise to your wretched siblings... "Together we'll fight the wicked witch, side-by-side?" (She laughs in amusement) Ha ha! Tell me, darling, how did they respond to your overtures? Did they welcome you with open arms and weep tears of joy at your miraculous return? Hmm? Freya: (near tears) What are you going to do to me? Dahlia: You always were a selfish, ungrateful child. For centuries, I fed you, clothed you, and cared for you, granted you powers beyond anything you could have ever dreamed, and still, you yearn for more, always wishing for another life, never satisfied. (Dahlia thrusts her hand toward Freya and clenches it into a fist, magically causing Freya to grab her head in agony and double over) Freya: (whimpers) Aah! (She falls to her knees and cries out in pain) Dahlia: Soon enough, you will beg for me to bring you back into my home. (She laughs dramatically and raises her fist, putting Freya in a telekinetic choke-hold and forcing her to stand up with her magic) After all, once I am done with these poor souls, I will be the only family you have left. (She opens her hand, releasing Freya from her hold. Freya gasps for breath as Dahlia sneers at her) Dahlia: You should know better than to defy me, a lesson your father and brother will learn shortly. (Dahlia walks past her, and Freya turns and watches her leave, fearful for what is coming next) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Elijah has finally arrived home after helping Josephine and Marcel create the new safe house, and he is very unhappy to find that Freya has left) Elijah: What do you mean "Freya's gone?" Hayley: She was a risk. Elijah: (cuts her off) She's also the one person who intimately understands the enemy we now face! Rebekah: (interrupts them) Both of you, just stop it. Hayley: (talks over her) I was protecting Hope from someone who it's obvious none of us completely trust. Elijah: (frustrated) Correct, we've done nothing but doubt Freya. (He looks at Rebekah) Nevertheless, she kept her promise, and she saved your life. (Rebekah looks guilty) We certainly haven't demonstrated the same kindness towards her. Rebekah: (rolls her eyes, knowing Elijah is right) So, what the bloody hell do we do now? Elijah: There's a jazz club in Algiers by the name of the St. James infirmary. Marcel has acquired it, and Josephine is fortifying it as a sanctuary against magic. (Elijah turns to Hayley) Pack your things. Marcel will escort you and Hope there tonight at 9:00. (Hayley rolls her eyes, clearly not a fan of this plan. Elijah then points to Rebekah) You, wait with me. Rebekah: (confused) What for? Elijah: If Freya shall return, we will be here. Now, whether we trust her or not, we cannot win this fight without her. (Elijah leaves the room, and Rebekah looks over at Hayley, who is frowning unhappily) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] (Davina and Klaus are in a secluded alley, where Davina is setting up for a spell by pouring salt onto the cement in the shape of magical sigils)' Davina: (sighs) This is it, one last favor, and if you don't give me his ashes, I swear I will... Klaus: (interrupts her) Davina, whatever you may think of me, I am a man of my word. (Suddenly, Mikael appears in the alley and walks toward them. Davina looks confused when she sees him and stands to her feet as she stares at him warily) Mikael: Actually, he's a liar, a beast, and a degenerate, but in this exceptional instance, he may be of some use. Klaus: (sighs) Oh good, you're back. Mikael: Dahlia's minion remains within St. Anne's Church. Klaus: Clearly, it's a trap. Mikael: (exasperated) Of course it's a trap, and how good is it that we bring surprises of our own? (Mikael and Klaus smirk at each other, and Davina becomes even more confused) Davina: (incredulously) Wait. So you two are friends now? Klaus: Absolutely not! We merely aligned out of necessity for the purpose we both enjoy the most... glorious murder. (Davina rolls her eyes) In fact, you'll be helping. Davina: You said you needed a binding spell. Mikael: And here, my lovely little witch, is what you will bind! (He pulls two full leather pouches and a bottle of blood out of his pockets and hands them to her one at a time) Soil from Dahlia's homeland, that which links her to this mortal coil; Along with viking ash, that of her oppressors, the source of her immense hatred; And finally, blood of her adopted child, my beloved daughter Freya... The closest thing to love that miserable witch has ever known. (Davina sets all three items in one of the small circles she has made out of salt and examines them for a moment) Davina: All the sources of her power bound together create a weakness. So, what do you want me to do? Klaus: Simple: bind those ingredients to a weapon. Davina: (sarcastically raises her eyebrows at Klaus) Well, am I supposed to go to the toy store and get a slingshot? Mikael: (hands her one of his own knives) Use this. Klaus: (rolls his eyes) You just wouldn't be you if you didn't have a knife, would you? Mikael: Well, perhaps you can steal it later and dull it's blade with your "art". (Klaus chuckles good-naturedly and approaches Davina) Klaus: Do us this favor, help us end this evil witch's reign, and I will live up to my end of our bargain. I swear it on my daughter's life. Davina: (hesitates for a moment) I hope you know what you're doing. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (The werewolf guards are all milling around the courtyard of the compound when Freya finally returns to see her siblings. The guards all start to surround her threateningly and block her way, but after a moment, Rebekah appears) Freya: I need to see Elijah. Rebekah: (to the guards) Let her through! Werewolf guard: (under her breath) Is she serious? Rebekah: (to Freya) I'm actually glad you're here. (Elijah, having heard his sister's arrival, joins them in the courtyard) Elijah: Freya. Freya: (shaken) I saw her... Dahlia. She intends to make her move tonight. Klaus and our father will be her next victims. Elijah: (frowns anxiously) And you have returned to warn the very people who would cast you out? (Elijah gives Rebekah a sharp look, and she blushes in embarrassment) Freya: (in tears) I understand Klaus' mistrust, as I do yours, but I did not come this far to see my family die at the hands of the very evil that I've tried for so long to escape. I'm begging you, help me save them. Elijah: Tell me what you need. Freya: Dahlia will lure them into a trap. She prefers places of darkness. She'll be drawn to any site that's been steeped in death. Rebekah: (rolls her eyes sarcastically) Well, welcome to New Orleans. Freya: Oh, no. I'm talking about dark power created by massacre, sacred ground that's been stained in the blood of the innocent. [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CATHOLIC CHURCH ] (Mikael and Klaus both open the front doors to the church and slowly walk inside, taking note of their surroundings as they walk down the aisle) Klaus: (raises his voice) Well? What are you waiting for, you crone? (Mikael and Klaus continue to look around, and Mikael tightly grips the knife that Davina enchanted with Dahlia's weaknesses. Suddenly, Klaus and Mikael hear Dahlia's voice calling out to them as she appears at the sacristy) Dahlia: Now that you've arrived, not a thing! (She sees Mikael gripping his blade and curiously tilts her head slightly to the side before she holds up both of her hands to summon dozens of humans who she has magically coerced into invading the church) Dahlia: (smiles) Let us begin. (Mikael and Klaus look around at the large crowd of people surrounding them, and Mikael chuckles as he looks over at his step-son) Mikael: (to Klaus) We are well-met. So be it. Are you ready? Klaus: (smirks) I was born ready. (Klaus and Mikael suddenly vamp-out and begin to lunge for Dahlia's minions. As they fight, Mikael and Klaus are able to snap the necks of many of them, and toss others across the room. They seem to have the upper-hand at first, but after a moment Dahlia raises her hands and thrusts them toward the crowd, which not only allows her to use her magic through them. After Klaus and Mikael take out another several humans, one of the women raises her hand into a fist and gives Klaus a mystical migraine. Shortly afterward, another magically-enhanced human does the same to Mikael, temporarily incapacitating them both. Once the spell is released, Klaus and Mikael pant for breath on their knees, and Dahlia smiles patronizingly) Dahlia: Ah! Agh... I should have warned you! My acolytes are rather formidable. (Klaus and Mikael grunt in pain as they force themselves up on their feet to face her) I gifted them with a fraction of my own power... (The minion who gave Klaus the mystic migraine thrusts her hand forward again and telekinetically throws Mikael across the room, where he lands on top of a pew and breaks it into pieces. Klaus glares at Dahlia angrily) Dahlia: .. to help level the playing field. (Klaus furiously lunges for Dahlia, but the female minion telekinetically throws Klaus so high that he smashes through the railing of the balcony before falling forward and landing in the aisle below) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Jackson is in his and Hayley's bedroom, where he is sitting on the end of the bed and looking through the map of the Bayou he's drawn inside his leather-bound journal. After a moment, Aiden arrives and leans in the doorway as he knocks on the door) Jackson: Hey, come on in and shut the door. (Aiden does as he's told before joining Jackson inside the room) Jackson: You're my right hand, Aiden. You've always been loyal, brave. I want you to know, I don't take that for granted. That's why you're the only one I can trust with this. (Aiden looks both confused and worried at this admission) I need to get Hayley and hope the hell out of here tonight. Aiden: (incredulously) Right under Klaus' roof? He's gonna kill you. Jackson: (laughs bitterly) Klaus will kill me for leaving dishes in the sink. It's all the more reason to run. Aiden: I'm not joking! Klaus will find out. He has his ways; you know that. Jackson: I got a route mapped out through side streets and back roads. Between Dahlia's spying and Klaus' ways, we need to get out of here fast. I need you to get a car and meet us at the service entrance at 8:45. I mean exactly 8:45. Marcel's coming for us at 9:00. Aiden: (sighs) Yeah, of course. I'll be there. (Jackson pats him affectionately on the shoulder and walks past him toward the door. Before he leaves, he turns back to Aiden) Jackson: I don't know how long I'll be away. Wolves are gonna need a leader. You up for it? (Aiden nods anxiously, but doesn't say a word) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CATHOLIC CHURCH ] (Mikael, who is still laying awkwardly on the remnants of the smashed pew, has lost his knife, which is laying several feet away on the floor. He and Klaus, who landed several feet away, pull themselves up on their hands and knees and nod at each other encouragingly before they get to their feet and get back into the fight. They start snapping more necks of Dahlia's minions and feed on several more to give them additional strength, and despite Dahlia's magical enhancements, the two men eventually gain the upper-hand again. As they fight violently against the humans, Mikael and Klaus growl loudly as a sort of war cry) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Aiden is leaning against one of the support beams in the courtyard, visibly anxious, as he thinks about his current dilemma. Eventually, Josh arrives and joins him, looking apologetic) Aiden: Josh, hey! Josh: Hey, look. Before you say anything, I'm sorry I lied to you about my sketchy phone call with Klaus this morning. I'm a jerk. (Aiden looks confused for a moment before he realizes what Josh is talking about and sighs) Josh: (sarcastically) Wait, my bad! I accidentally did your side of the conversation. Let's start over! You go. Aiden: You heard the phone call. Josh: Uh, yeah. (Josh points to his ear) Vamp-hearing, dude. You can turn it on and off, but I'm nosy, particularly when my boyfriend is conducting secret business with the guy who, you know, murdered me on my spring break. Aiden: (guilty) I just didn't want you to get involved, OK? Josh: (frowns) Involved in what? (Aiden tries to play it cool and pats Josh affectionately on the shoulders) Aiden: It's nothing. I've got it all taken care of. (He smiles and turns to walk away, but Josh grabs him by the arm and turns him around to face him) Aiden: Whoa. Josh: Hey, wait a minute. What is going on? Aiden: (awkwardly) No, I just... Josh: Please. Aiden: (sighs, looking anxious) I don't know what to do. Jackson's got this big escape plan with Hayley and the baby tonight, and if I don't tell Klaus, then he'll... Josh: Cut your head off with a dull butter-knife? Aiden: (nods) But Jackson's been looking out for me since we were kids. I can't just stab him in the back. Josh: (worriedly) I don't know if you have a choice. Aiden: He's part of my pack! You don't know what that's like. Josh: You don't have to be a Crescent wolf to love your friends. (Aiden nods and gulps nervously) Look, it's fine, we're gonna... We're gonna figure this out, OK? (Aiden nods again and sighs. Josh grabs his hands and squeezes them comfortingly) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CATHOLIC CHURCH ] (Mikael and Klaus are still fighting violently against Dahlia's minions, and have killed or seriously injured the majority of them) Mikael: (growls) RAWR! Klaus: (roars) ARGH! (They finally finish off the last of the minions and look at each other triumphantly. They walk toward the altar, where Dahlia is dramatically slow-clapping for them) Dahlia: Quite the operatic performance... (She smiles at them) .. though that is the thing with these grand tragedies. (Mikael grabs his blade from his jacket and grips it tightly in his hand) In the end, all the heroes... (She thrusts out her hand and clenches it in a fist) .. die. (Klaus and Mikael both groan as all of their muscles tense up, as though they're trying to resist being pulled forward by her. Mikael is unable to continue gripping the knife, which falls onto the floor several feet in front of them, and they both fall to their knees as their faces start to turn gray and desiccate) Mikael: Uh! Nngh! Klaus: D'agh! Rrgh! Uh! [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Jackson, who is wearing a jacket and appears to be ready to leave, comes into his and Hayley's bedroom) Jackson: Hayley? (Hayley comes out from inside the nursery with Hope in her arms. They're both dressed for cold weather, with Hayley in a warm coat and scarf, and Hope bundled up in a knit hat and warm sweater. Hayley has a large bag packed full of their things over her shoulder, and Hope looks as though she's scared and whimpers, almost near tears) Hayley: Klaus and Elijah are the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world, and Dahlia's got them scared. If she takes them down, I don't want Hope to be around to see what happens next. (Jackson looks at her sympathetically as he walks over and gently caresses Hope's head to soothe her) Hayley: Do you really think that this is the best plan to protect her? Jackson: (nods) I really do. (Hayley stares at Jackson before the two of them leave the room with Hope in tow) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CATHOLIC CHURCH ] (Klaus and Mikael have been weakened by Dahlia's desiccation spell, and are desperately crawling toward her on the floor in the aisle) Dahlia: (impressed) You struggle with such passion. All in defense of the ones you love... (Klaus sees the enchanted knife ahead of him and tries his best to get close enough to reach it) Dahlia: .. an honorable quality... (She starts to walk slowly toward them) .. one I had not anticipated, given the reputation which precedes you. (Klaus finally reaches the knife and grabs it in his hand, as Mikael struggles to keep up with him) Dahlia: Still... a bit too little... too late. (Klaus stands up and is about to lunge for her when Dahlia waves her hand, causing Klaus to be thrown backwards, knocking him unconscious and causing him to drop the knife. Dahlia looks at Mikael and sneers) Dahlia: And you... (Mikael struggles to get onto his knees as Dahlia walks in front of him) .. husband of my sister, you I would like to make suffer. (She cups her hand and pushes it toward Mikael, which allows her to choke him with her telekinesis, causing Mikael to gasp for breath. He becomes even more desiccated until Freya suddenly arrives and yells at her aunt) Freya: Enough! (Dahlia is so surprised to see Freya that she releases Mikael so she can focus on her niece) Dahlia: My Freya... (Mikael picks up a broken piece of wood and wields it like a weapon as Dahlia walks toward Freya) .. you do realize that this so-called family of yours is simply using you for your power? Freya: (furious) No. You're the one that used me for a 1,000 years! (Dahlia sighs in frustration) No more! Dahlia: (enraged) So be it! (She puts Freya in a telekinetic choke-hold and lifts her high into the air as Freya desperately clutches her throat. Mikael furiously lunges for Dahlia) Mikael: (furious) No! (He tackles her and stabs her in the abdomen with the piece of wood, which distracts her enough to let go of Freya) Mikael: Uh! Stay away from my daughter! (While they're all occupied, Elijah sneaks into the church and bites his wrist so he can feed Klaus his blood and revive him. Dahlia telekinetically throws Mikael across the room and pulls out the stake he stabbed her with as Klaus feeds on Elijah, renewing his strength) Dahlia: (enraged) Don't you know I'm too powerful to kill? (She throws the stake aside and stands to face Mikael, who is leaning against one of the nearby pews for support. Elijah vamp-speeds toward Dahlia, but instantly gets thrown backward by her and lands in the aisle behind Klaus. Klaus picks up the enchanted blade and rises to his feet, and the two glare at each other before Klaus vamp-speeds toward her, jumping up in the air so he can dodge her telekinetic blast. However, before he makes contact with her, Dahlia completely vanishes, and Klaus crashes into the sacristy. As he picks himself up, he digs through the pile of broken wood and is completely alarmed when he cannot find the enchanted knife. He stands and looks backward at Elijah, both of whom look as though they're terrified by what just occurred. Mikael and Freya are still gasping on the floor, but Dahlia is nowhere to be seen) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Marcel, Josh and several other vampires have just arrived to the compound, and he immediately walks into Jackson and Hayley's room after knocking on the door frame) Marcel: You ready? (Marcel and Josh both look concerned when they find the room empty, and when Marcel walks into the nursery, he sees that Hope is no longer in her crib either. They all split up and search the house, which is completely empty of people aside from themselves, and Marcel finds the service entrance doors wide open. They all regroup after they've check out the entire compound) Marcel: Any sign of 'em? (Josh, looking concerned, shakes his head in the negatory) Something's wrong. Fan out. Find 'em now. (The vampires do as they're told, and everyone splits up again to search for them. Outside in a back alley, Hayley, Jackson, and Hope are waiting for Aiden to come pick them up. Hope is still making whining noises as Jackson anxiously rubs his hands together for warmth) Jackson: (sighs) He should be here by now. Something must have happened. (Elsewhere, Aiden is waiting in the driver's seat of a parked Jeep, and is anxiously rubbing at his face as he contemplates what he should do. He checks the clock on his phone, which reads 8:52 PM/20:52. After a moment, he becomes frustrated and angrily punches the steering wheel of the car) (In the alley, Hope has begun to cry, and Jackson is helping Hayley wrap a blanket around the two of them to warm her up. After a moment, Marcel vamp-speeds toward them and looks at them suspiciously) Marcel: Everything OK? (Jackson looks alarmed, but Hayley simply gives him a look and plays it cool) Hayley: Took you long enough. Are we going to Algiers or what? Marcel: Right now, that club is the safest place in town. (Hayley and Jackson walk past him to leave, but Marcel continues to stare at them suspiciously as they walk away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CATHOLIC CHURCH ] (Freya is tending to Mikael, while Klaus and Elijah pace around them in the aisle of the church. Suddenly, Dahlia reappears behind them, startling them all and causing them to turn to face her) Dahlia: We all have weaknesses. (She disappears again, and appears behind them) You came here united hoping to exploit mine, and in doing so, you lost the one thing that you could have used against me... (She holds up the knife Davina enchanted) .. the weapon you created, now rendered useless. (Dahlia drops the knife into the basin used for holy water, which causes the knife to burst into flames as it is destroyed. Freya is distraught and lunges toward her) Freya: No! (Klaus looks devastated, and Elijah looks terrified as Dahlia waves her hands and put out the flames) Dahlia: (sighs in boredom) Now that we've dispensed with that little trinket, perhaps we can focus on the issue at hand? After all, I seek only that which is owed to me, nothing more. Give me the child, and you all may live. Deny me, and, well... you've had a taste of my power. I can't imagine you hunger for more. (Once again, Dahlia vanishes, as though she's teleported away, leaving the rest of the Mikaelsons in various stages of fear and anger) [SCENE_BREAK] [ BYWATER TAVERN ] (Josh is sitting at the bar when Aiden arrives and joins him) Aiden: I told him it was traffic. Jacks was furious, but he bought it. (Josh smiles sympathetically) So, I guess I live another day. Josh: (hands him a beer) Yeah? So, how about tomorrow? Aiden: How could I be so stupid? The moment Klaus looked at me, I should have run in the opposite direction! Josh, I'm so sorry about all of this. Josh: Yeah. Me too... (He rolls his eyes sarcastically) .. I mean, mainly because if Klaus hurts you, I'm gonna have to seek vengeance - psycho-ninja-style - and I think we both know how that's gonna go. (Aiden rolls his eyes and chuckles bitterly before drinking his beer. Josh looks at him and smiles) Josh: Hey... (Aiden looks him in the eyes) This isn't your fault, no more than it was mine for getting my neck snapped in some crappy dive bar. This is what Klaus does. Aiden: (whispers) Yeah. Josh: (squeezes Aiden's arm) Aiden, I've kind of been on my own my whole life, and then suddenly, everything was different because of you. (Aiden smiles weakly at him) You are my pack... You and Marcel and Davina, and, yeah, I'd die for you because I don't think I can go back to how it was before. Aiden: (touched by Josh's words) Look, we're gonna figure this out... together. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Klaus is drinking a scotch at the bar room as Elijah, Rebekah, Mikael, and Freya walk in to join him) Rebekah: Well, that sounds like a bloody fiasco. Where's Dahlia now? Elijah: (defeatedly) She could be anywhere. There wasn't a trace of her left in the church. Freya: (bitterly) She's done with us for the night. No doubt, she wants us to take some time to wallow in our defeat. Klaus: (drinks his scotch) Defeat? I disagree. We saw her face. We took her measure. If that's the best she's got, quite frankly, I'm unimpressed. Mikael: Her aim was not to impress us. She wanted us to reveal our sole weapon, and, like fools, we did. Rebekah: (incredulously) Am I hearing things, or did Nik just exchange words with our father? Mikael: (smiles) Rebekah. I'd know that wicked tongue anywhere. What mischief have you gotten yourself into now? No doubt the b*st*rd's doing. Klaus: (growls) Enough. My patience, like this farce of a reunion, is at an end. Elijah: (scowls and walks toward Mikael) Agreed. There only is one question here: What exactly are we doing? Freya: (furious) This was not my plan! You rushed it and made but a single weapon! Of course she took it from you, and now we've lost what advantage we had and used up the very materials we needed to kill her. Klaus: It's a bit histrionic. Your materials are easily found. Let's take stock, shall we? (He points at her) There's an ample supply of your blood. Norwegian soil is hardly scarce. What else? Ah, yes... the ashes of Dahlia's viking oppressors. Mikael: (annoyed) Only priceless relics gotten with great difficulty at a museum, lost due to your worthless strategies. (Klaus angrily vamp-speeds over to Mikael, pinning him to the wall and shoving the tip of the indestructible white oak stake into his chest. Mikael doesn't move or fight back, he simply stares at Klaus as Freya lunges toward Klaus and is held back by Elijah) Freya: Uh! Uhno! Klaus: If I feel even the faintest touch of your magic, Freya, I will end him with a flick of my wrist! (Klaus addresses Mikael) You don't seem surprised. Mikael: (gasps as the stake brushes his heart) Betrayal is in your nature, boy. Klaus: No. I wasn't born like this. Her you fight for... Lovely Freya, the daughter you barely know... yet there was a time when you knew me as your son, a time before all the disappointments, the revelations of betrayal. (Klaus' voice shakes, and tears begin to fill his eyes) There were moments when all you had to do was be my father, and even then, you despised me, didn't you? (He begins to cry) I want to know why. Mikael: (softly, and without malice) I don't know. I just... did. (Klaus is overwhelmed by this admission, and he and Mikael stare each other in the eyes for a long moment. Elijah is still holding Freya back, but all three of them seem surprised by this uncharacteristic vulnerability from Mikael. Finally, Klaus forces himself to stop crying and glares at Mikael hatefully) Klaus: Are those your final words? Mikael: (hesitates for a moment and stares at Freya) Freya... I'm so sorry. I love you. (Klaus is so enraged by this tenderness toward Freya that he plunges the stake into Mikael's heart) Mikael: (in agony) Ahh! Freya: (screams and cries) No! (Elijah continues to hold Freya back, but neither he nor Rebekah seem happy to see Mikael killed. Klaus backs away, looking conflicted as he watches Mikael reach out for them before falling to his knees and keeling over. After his body has fully desiccated, it goes up in flames as Freya continues to sob uncontrollably) Freya: No! Ugh! (Klaus turns to Freya and feigns as though he's not upset) Klaus: Viking ash is indeed rare... but all you really need is a burning viking corpse. (Klaus leaves the room without another word, and Elijah has to struggle to hold Freya back and keep her from attacking him as he leaves. Freya is completely devastated, and Rebekah and Elijah both stare at Klaus unhappily as he leaves, stunned speechless as they take one last look at Mikael's burning corpse) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] (Josephine is walking down the street past the Mikaelson compound when she suddenly sees a violin player with her back turned toward her. She listens to the woman play for a long moment and smiles) Josephine: (touched) Your technique is exquisite. (The violinist turns around, revealing that she is, in fact, Dahlia) Dahlia: (smiles) Do you play? Josephine: (looks sadly at her swollen hands and laughs bitterly) Ha! No. Uh-uh, not in some time. Dahlia: (takes Josephine's hands in her own) Allow me to help you change that. (She bends over and blows on Josephine's hands, and after a moment, Josephine flexes her fingers and marvels at the fact that she's healed) Josephine: (cries in joy and examines her hands before looking at Dahlia) Uh... ha ha! Ha ha! Dahlia, I assume? Dahlia: (smiles and bows) Indeed. Now if you'll beg my pardon, Madam, I must use you to send a message to all those who would side against me. Josephine: (nods in defeated understanding) I suppose there's no promises an old witch could make to another? Dahlia: (smiles sympathetically) Sadly, my dear, there's nothing you can do for me that I cannot do for myself. (Josephine gulps nervously and nods again before gesturing toward Dahlia's violin) Josephine: May I, then... One last tune? (Dahlia smiles and hands Josephine the violin. She dramatically holds it up and begins to play an upbeat melody for a moment, relishing in the fact that she is playing for the first time in decades. However, after a moment, Dahlia shushes her, and she stops playing, looking as though she's in a daze. Dahlia takes the bow from her and uses it to slit Josephine's throat. Dahlia then walks away with the bow in hand, leaving Josephine to bleed to death in the street with the violin at her side) [b][ END ][b]
Plan: A: a way; Q: What does Klaus want to find to vanquish Dahlia? A: Klaus; Q: Who does Aiden find himself torn between his loyalty to Jackson and his secret alliance with? A: another deadly threat; Q: What does Mikael represent to Klaus? A: Dahlia's whereabouts; Q: Hayley and Rebekah work with Freya to track what? A: Josephine; Q: Who helps Elijah and Marcel prepare a safe house in Algiers? A: baby Hope; Q: What is Hayley protecting? A: a risky idea; Q: What does Jackson propose to Hayley? Summary: Desperate to find a way to vanquish Dahlia, Klaus soon finds himself face-to-face with another deadly threat - Mikael. Meanwhile, as Hayley and Rebekah work with Freya to track Dahlia's whereabouts, Elijah and Marcel prepare a safe house in Algiers with the help of Josephine. Elsewhere, determined to protect Hayley and baby Hope, Jackson approaches Hayley with a risky idea that leaves her conflicted. Finally, Aiden finds himself torn between his loyalty to Jackson and his secret alliance with Klaus.
"Four Square" 19th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 1ADA18 [SCENE_BREAK] (Episode begins with an up close shot of Isabel on a starry night.) Isabel: I'm finally ready to let someone in. And I want him to be you. Alex: I've been waiting to hear that, Isabel. And I want to be the only one for you, cause you're the only one for me. (Michael appears behind them as they kiss. Suddenly she is in the desert with all the symbols on the ground. Michael is beckoning to her, then Alex.) Alex: Isabel. Isabel. (At the warehouse.) Alex: Isabel, wake up. She's moving around. Isabel: Ok. Ok. (Isabel picks up a phone and dials.) (Outside the Harding Residence, Michael and Maria are sleeping in the Jetta.) Maria: Hello? Isabel: Maria, are you up? Maria: Yeah, we're awake. Isabel: She's leaving now Maria: We're on it. (In a hallway at school.) Liz: I knew you weren't really falling in love with her. Max: That's the truth, Liz. You've got to believe that. Liz: I do. And now we know it's really Nasedo. Max: And whoever Nasedo really is, it's using Tess' body to get to me. Liz: Right. To manipulate you. Max: I can't control myself when I'm with her. (A phone rings.) Liz: Yeah, we're in position. Ok. We got it. She's in the parking lot headed this way. (They follow Tess until she goes into the girls' restroom.) Liz: Ok, I'll take it from here. Max: Wait, I don't want you going in there alone. Liz: Max, she still thinks I'm just your girlfriend. She'll never suspect anything. Max: She's dangerous. Never forget that. (In the girls' bathroom.) Liz: Tess! I thought I saw you come in here. Tess: Look, Liz, I thought we got everything straightened out last night. Liz: We did? Tess: I mean about Max. We're going to try and be friends, right? All of us. Liz: Right, friends. Tess: Then tell me, why is everybody following me? (Opening Credits) (At a merry-go-round somewhere.) Maria: So she didn't hurt you, or threaten you? Liz: No. She acted totally innocent. I'm telling you, she has no idea that we found out about her. Max: We can't trust anything she says. Michael: Well, maybe we should trust her. This is the fourth alien we've been waiting for our whole lives. Isabel: I don't think that anyone, or anything that would pretend to be a teenage girl in order to seduce Max is on our side. Max: Isabel's right. It's a shape-shifter. Who knows what other powers it has that we don't have. The three of us, no matter what we may discover about ourselves...we were raised human. Nasedo's an alien. Nasedo's killed. And judging from the way I felt when I was with Tess, it definitely has some kind of power over us. Isabel: Yeah, I felt it too. Like I was drawn to her for some specific reason. Like I had to let her in. Liz: Isabel, you have to fight it. Max: You too, Michael. Michael: You just want to deny who we really are? Max: I want us to stay who we really are! Don't you? Alex: I'm the one least involved. The one she won't suspect. I'll get close to her. Isabel: No! Stay away from her, Alex. Besides, we don't even know if Nasedo is Tess anymore. Max: Could be anyone at anytime. Liz: We can only trust each other, now more than ever. Alex: We can't just sit around and wait for her to do something to one of us. Isabel: Max, Michael and I will find out all we can about her, ok? We won't give her the chance to surprise us. Please, Alex, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Maria: Wait, what are you guys going to do? Max: We're going to keep following her. Hope she reveals more to us before she finds out we're on to her. We still got the camera in her house, remember? (At Sheriff Valenti's office.) Mr. Harding: But who? Who would plant this in my house? Sheriff: You say you're new in town? Mr. Harding: That's right. Sheriff: House have any previous occupants? Mr. Harding: Brand spanking new, Sheriff. Sheriff: You mind if I ask what line of work you're in Mr. Harding? Mr. Harding: Government consultant, the boring stuff, facilities management, that kind of thing. No special clearances, no matters of national security, if that's what you're thinking. Sheriff: You ever have any contact with the FBI? Mr. Harding: What? Oh, Lord no, Sheriff. I'm just a guy who's trying to do his job and get along in a new town, that's all. Nobody's been in that house but me, my daughter and the movers...oh, and a couple of her friends from school. Sheriff: I have heard some stories about unscrupulous moving companies in town. Staking out your place for future robberies, that sort of thing. I'll tell you what, leave your information with my deputy outside. I promise I'll get to the bottom of this. Mr. Harding: Well, thank you, Sheriff. I feel safe in your hands. (At the Administration office at school.) Isabel: Hi. I'm on the Sunshine Committee this year, and we were wondering if we could just get... Administrator: The what? Isabel: The Sunshine Committee. You know, kinda like the Welcome Wagon for new students. Helps them get along and fit into a new place. Administrator: I've been here eight years. I've never heard of a Sunshine Committee. Isabel: I know. Isn't that terrible? A few of us though it was time to start one up. You can never have too much sunshine, don't you think? Anyway, there's a new student that just started here, Tess Harding, she's our first project. And I though maybe I could get some information about her from you. You know, her class schedule, something from her last school...anything personal that might make her feel more at home. Administrator: Well, I'll have to get permission from the Vice Principal. Isabel: Right. Ok. (Isabel goes behind the desk, and pulls up Tess' record while the Administrator is away.) (At the Crashdown.) Liz: So that's it. Science Lab third period, hallway between fourth and fifth, and P.E. Max: I think that's all. Liz: And there was no other contact? She didn't even look at you? Max: Nothing. Maria: She's playing hard to get. It's a classic move. She ignores you, thinking it's going to make you crazy and force you to go to her. Liz: Are you still drawn to her, Max? Max: No. Liz: Hm. Maria: Which only further necessitates the implementation of my plan. Max: Wait. What plan? Maria: Oh, Operation Never-Leave-Max-Alone-For-An-Instant. That way one of us is always around in case she works the voodoo on you again. Max: I don't need a babysitter. Maria: No, you're right. What you need is a bodyguard - at all times. Michael: I don't cook for myself, you know. Liz: You know, Max, Maria's right. We don't know what she'll do to you if she ever gets you alone. Max: I told you, you don't have to worry. Liz: I know. Max, I'm not saying any of this because I'm jealous. It's just that...she's an alien, Max. Max: So am I. Liz: Yeah but, what if she's... Max: The bad kind? One of the monsters people have been so afraid of since the crash? Liz: I can't help it. You know, no matter how much I get to know you, Tess, Nasedo, I...she scares me. Max: That's why we won't let her win. So go change, we'll go back to the garage and watch her on the monitor. Sheriff: Isn't that against the law, Mr. Evans? I wish you'd stop doing that...hiding things from me. 'Cause you see, I always know more than you think I do. Ed Harding found that inside his house. Now I know you put it there, and I know it's special issue FBI equipment, so the question is: how'd you get your hands on it in the first place? You know what it tells me? That Pierce and the alien hunting unit of the FBI are here in Roswell in full force, and they're paying special attention to you. How am I doing? I need you people to remember something...all of you. The more I know, the safer you'll be. Michael: Don't even think about it Maxwell. (At the Evan's residence.) Diane: Oh, look, (laughing). Wait, look at this one. Tess: Oh that is so cute. Diane: Oh, gosh. Oh, Izzy. Hi, honey. Your new friend, Tess, stopped by, and I just got to chatting, and the next thing I know, I'm telling all kinds of stories about you and Max when you were little. Isabel: What kind of stories? Diane: Oh, um...the road trip to Florida...and the time Max brought home that snake. Do you remember that? Who could forget? Oh, and that silly clown show that the two of you used to put on for us. Isabel: Mom, that's like our whole lives. Tess: You're so lucky to have such a wonderful family, Isabel. There's so many happy memories. Isabel: Yeah. Diane: Listen, I'm sorry I rambled. Really. I, uh, I don't know. I start looking at pictures and the memories flood over me and I can't stop talking. So, I got to get to the market. You two have a good time, ok? Isabel: Ok. Diane: And, um, Tess, welcome to Roswell. Tess: Thank you Mrs. Evans. Diane: Oh, please, call me Diane, won't you? And know that you're welcome here anytime. Bye sweetheart. Isabel: Bye. So I didn't really see you I school today. Tess: I know, I saw you at the Administration office but I didn't have time to... Isabel: God. Tess: I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you nervous. Isabel: You don't. You don't make me nervous. Tess: I just want to be completely honest with you, Isabel. I feel the closest to you. You know, like we share something special. And that's why I want you to know the truth. I just don't want you to hate me for it. Isabel: No, I...I couldn't Tess: I have feelings for Max, Isabel. Strong feelings. I know Max loves Liz. That's what everyone tells me. But don't you ever get signals from someone Isabel? Isabel: Signals? Tess: You know... moments when you connect with someone. And there's no mistaking what's going on. Like no matter who you may be with, or what you may think, that you and this other person are destined to be together. Isabel: No! No, never. Tess: Well, that's the way I feel about Max, and those are the signals that I've been getting from him. Are you sure you've never felt that way about anyone? Pay more attention, Isabel. There are signs all around you. (Isabel's bedroom.) Isabel: She really scared me, Max. It was like I lost a few seconds of time, and when it was over, I wasn't even sure if what I remembered had happened or not. Is that what she did to you? Max: Kind of. It was like she could make my mind go places I wasn't taking it. Isabel: How about your body? I mean, did you feel like something inside of you was changing...like waking up? Max: Something primal. Isabel: Instinctive. Max: Something not human. (Michael opens the window.) Max: What's wrong? Michael: I don't know. You tell me. Isabel: I called him. I didn't think any of us should stay alone tonight. (Isabel has a dream about her and Michael kissing in the desert where the symbols are on the ground. She and Michael both wake up gasping at the same time.) Max: Michael, what is it? Michael: Isabel. Max: Are you ok? What did you see? Isabel: It was only a dream. Michael: It was only a dream. (Downstairs at the Evans residence. They are looking at Max's drawing of the cave symbols.) Michael: That's the one. Isabel: Definitely. Max: And you're sure you both had the same dream: the rock formation, the map on the ground, everything? Michael: Yeah. Max: Think! Was there anything else, anything unusual? I mean...what were you guys doing out in the middle of the desert? Isabel/Michael: Nothing! Isabel: Nothing important. There was this one other thing...when Tess was here yesterday, when she told me to look for signs, she made that symbol out of sugar cubes. Max: So it means something. If we just knew how to read this! Isabel: Tell him, Michael. Max: Tell me what? Michael: I thought I figured it out once, but... Max: But what? Michael: I was wrong. Isabel: What if you weren't? Michael used the V constellation to navigate the symbols. Max: How did you know how to do that? Michael: I just knew. But it didn't work. Max: But what didn't work? Isabel: The night you were drunk, Michael and I went to the public library. That's where the symbol was supposed to lead. We though that if Nasedo left us a symbol at the cave, then we should send one back to him. Max: Why didn't you tell me about this, Michael? Michael: You mean why didn't I get your approval? Max: Do you realize what you did? That's why Nasedo is here. It's why he's pretending to be Tess. You led him right to us. Michael: Yeah, I thought that was the goal. Max: The goal is to stay in control. It always has been. Discovery on our terms...no one else's. I mean, this whole search you've been on, didn't you ever think it could lead to this? Michael: Lead to what? An answer to every question we ever had? Maybe Nasedo is here to make things better. Oh, I forgot, what could be better than your comfortable little life in Roswell, New Mexico. Why are you so scared to be alien? Max: Why are you so scared to be human? Isabel: That's enough, both of you. Do you ever stop to ask how I feel? God. No, you're too busy deciding who's right to notice that this is happening to me, too. Oh, God. Whatever Tess did when she was here yesterday, the sugar cubes, the...I think she made me have that dream. Max: Let's just try to be prepared. You never know when these dreams may come again. (At school in the Science lab.) Liz: There it is, Aries. Max: Michael's been doing this all his life, you know. Always thinking he knows better than us, but always just getting us into more trouble. Liz: Families can be hard. Max: I don't even know if that's what we are. I mean, that's what we've pretended to be for so long, but what if Nasedo tells us something different. Does Michael even think about these things? Liz: You are who you choose to be. Just like...just like you're with who you choose to be with. Max: I really want to believe that. Liz: Let's go look it up. Let's see...Aries, it's the first sign of the Zodiac, the key astronomical element in many ancient traditions involving, spring, the equinox, pagan ceremonies, and even Indian fertility rituals. But it's not quite the same V shape you described. Max: Try creating a constellation pattern for today's date. Liz: Oh. What was it like...um, you know, kissing her? Max: It was upsetting. It made me feel things about myself I didn't like. Like there was this whole side of me I never even knew about. Liz: The alien side. Max: Maybe. Liz: Oh, wow, it's Venus. When it's in the right place in the sky, it completes the V shape. It started moving into this formation after the last full moon. Max: About the time that Tess showed up. Liz: Oh my God, what is she doing with Kyle? Max: Whatever it is, it can't be good. [SCENE_BREAK] (In a hallway at school.) Michael: Hey. Maria: Hey right back at you. Michael: I've been thinking. Maria: Oh, great this usually involves me having to get my car towed. Michael: What? I'm talking about us. Maria: Us? Michael: Yeah, our relationship. Maria: Wait, I've never heard you use that word in a sentence before. Michael: Can we get serious here? Maria: Whoa, are you ok? Michael: I just...I didn't sleep much last night. Maria: Because you were thinking about our relationship? Michael: Yeah. (In the janitor's closet.) Alex: Whoa, hey what is the emergency? Isabel: Alex, I've been thinking. Alex: Oh, this can't be good. Isabel: You know how I said I wanted to take things slow? Alex: The word glacial comes to mind. Isabel: Maybe it's time to melt the ice. Alex: Whoa, wh... what? Isabel: I'm ready. For a relationship, and I want it to be with you...not with anyone else I know. Alex: Well...there's someone else? Isabel: No! No, absolutely not. Only you. Alex: Oh, well...you know... (In a hallway at school.) Michael: I think that we should only see each other. Maria: Wait. As opposed to all the other relationships we're having with people? Michael: What do you mean by that? Maria: No...I mean that we already are only seeing each other. Right? Michael: Yeah. Maria: Right. Michael: So? Maria: I mean, unless you've got someone on the side. Michael: No! Maria: Ok. Michael: No. So. Well, then if we're already doing it, let's make it official. Maria: Official. Like going steady, or something? Michael: Going steady. Maria: Ok. Michael: I just don't want anyone to ever come between us. Maria: Ok. You should have more of these tortured sleepless nights. Michael: Let's not talk about last night anymore. (In the janitor's closet.) Alex: This is like...whoa, this is monumental. You know. I mean we...we've got to go about this the right way. You know, romance. Um, how, uh, how about tonight? Isabel: How about right now? Alex: Ok. (They kiss. In the hallway, Maria and Michael are also kissing, and drawing a crowd.) Maria: Michael. Michael: Let's go in here. Maria: Ok. (They open the door to the janitor's closet where Alex and Isabel spring apart.) Isabel: Alex and I are together now. Michael: Maria and I are going steady. Isabel: Great. Michael: Great. Maria: Must be something in the water. (At the Evans residence.) Isabel: Thanks for bringing me home. I'm sorry you didn't get to finish eating your food. Alex: Oh, that's ok. I can have a Galaxy Melt at anytime. I know the cook, remember? Besides, that's what boyfriends are for. Isabel: I'm just so tired. Alex: Well, you said you didn't sleep well last night...maybe you're the one who's hungry. Isabel: Oh, I couldn't eat right now if you paid me. I just...I just need to lay down. You know, just take a little nap. Alex: You're beautiful, you know that? Sweet dreams. (Isabel has another dream of her and Michael kissing. She also sees an unborn child.) (At Michael's apartment. He's trying to map the location of the four squared symbol.) Michael: Where the hell are you? (Tess shows up outside his window, and draws the four squared symbol on the glass.) Michael: What does that mean? Where is it? Tess: You already know. You've been there before. (Michael has a vision of himself as a child running past a sign for Puhlman Ranch.) (At the Crashdown.) Maria: Come on, come on, come on. What else? Liz: Um... She has a 3.0 average from one school. 3.2 from...and...what, she has a 3.4! Maria: Ok, enough with the grade crap...any unusual evaluations? Like psyche stuff? Liz: My God, yeah, here it is: she's really a shape-shifting alien also known as Nasedo. Max: You won't find anything wrong in that file. Tess Harding is the perfect teenaged girl. Nasedo covers his tracks. (Kyle enters the Crashdown.) Liz: Oh, he came. Look, I've got to go talk to him about Tess. Max: He won't listen to you. Liz: You know, he might. He trusted me once. Maria: Did you listen to him when he warned you about Max? Liz: I can't let him just get sucked into this without trying. Uh, thanks for coming. Can we talk? Kyle: About what? Liz: Well, I saw you with that new girl, Tess. Kyle: Oh, man! What a knockout, huh? Can't beat a blonde. Oh, sorry. Liz: No, she is...she is really nice. What were you guys talking about? Kyle: Why are you so interested? Liz: Well, it's just that I've heard some things about her. Kyle: Oh yeah, what things? Liz: Just, you know... the way she treats guys. She like leads them on, and then she just drops them cold. Kyle: Yeah... I guess it takes one to know one. Liz: Well, just be careful with her. You know, if I were you, I would just stop seeing her altogether. Kyle: What, is this like a jealousy thing? Liz: No. Kyle: Ok, so it's just an everybody-deserves-to-be-happy-but-Kyle thing. Liz: No. No, Kyle. It's not. Please trust me, ok? I know it sounds strange, but I promise you it's for your own good. Kyle: So it would really bother you if I just spent a little more time with Tess? Say like we happen to have a study date later tonight, or something? Liz: Kyle, there's things about her that you don't even know. Kyle: Well, I like what I've seen so far. Liz: Just don't be alone with her, ok? She could be using you. Kyle: That's exactly what I had in mind, but just in case you're right, what about the library? Hmm? Think I'll be safe there? Liz: The public library? (At the public library.) Liz: Do you really think she's using Kyle as bait, I mean, just to get us to follow her here? Max: It's the only thing that makes sense. Look, if this is a trap, I want you to get Kyle and get out of here. Liz: But Max, that's why I'm here. If Tess tries any mind games, I'll be here to snap you out of it. Max: It's them. Liz: Why Kyle? Max: To make sure we'd notice. Liz: Why doesn't Nasedo come up to you all this time? Max: Why doesn't the Sheriff just come and pick us up? Or the FBI? No one's sure enough about us. Not even Nasedo. The risk of exposure's too great. Liz: Ok, you go left, I'll go right. Max: Wait, Liz. Liz: You're the one she's after, remember? Kyle: So...ancient languages... what does this have to do with our English assignment? Tess: Absolutely nothing. Kyle: I was hoping you'd say that. Tess: There's just this one book I need for my history class. Kyle: Well, what do you say we start speaking the most ancient language known to man? Tess: I think it's on the top shelf. Would you mind helping me up? I've almost got it. Kyle: So, what language is this? Tess: It's a lost language. Kyle: Then no one will mind if we don't find it. Tess: Time to go. Kyle: But we just got here. Liz: What is it, Max? Max: Something about us. She wanted me to see it. That's why she brought us here. (In Max's bedroom.) Michael: Puhlman Ranch. Max: What? Michael: The four squared symbol on the map, that's where it is. Max: I've never even heard of it. Michael: That's because the government took it over in 1947. Three guesses why. Max: Close to the crash site? Michael: It was the crash site, Maxwell. But it's not on any maps any more. It's like they erased any trace of it. But I can find it. The cave painting will lead us right to it. Max: And you just figured this out all by yourself Michael: Yeah. Max: Michael, if Nasedo is doing anything to you, you can't trust it. Michael: Hey, I remembered it, ok? I had a flash. You're not the only the only on who gets them. So, what happened at the library? Max: Nothing. Michael: What she just took Kyle there for no reason? Max: I said nothing happened. We'll talk to Isabel in the morning. You better spend the night here again. (Isabel is having another dream; this time she and Michael are happy parents. She wakes up.) Isabel: You've seen them too, haven't you? Michael: The dreams. Isabel: The rock formation...the symbol. Michael: The two of us. Isabel: The baby. I think it's all true, Michael. I think I'm pregnant with your child. How can this be? Michael: Something weird like this had to happen sooner than later. No matter what Max wants to think, we're not human, Isabel. Isabel: Oh my God, Michael, what are we going to do? (In Max's room. He is dreaming of Tess and the symbols.) Tess: It's time. You understand, don't you? Max: Tell me. Tell me what I'm feeling. Tess: I'll show you everything, and you'll remember. (They drive off into the desert.) Max: This is it. This is what Michael saw in his hallucination. Tess: We've all seen it. We've all been here before. Max: What do you mean, "we"? Tess: Hold me, Max. You'll remember. Max: I remember you're a killer... starting from 1959. Tess: What? Max: William Atherton. The one who wrote the alien book? It was about you, wasn't it? He was your friend, but he threatened to expose you, so you killed him, right? Tess: What are you talking about? Max: Then who was next? Everett Hubble's wife? An innocent woman died just because she got in your way. Tess: I've never killed anyone. Max: What about the other hand print pictures Valenti told us about? And how many other victims will there be after tonight? Alex? Maria? Liz!? Tess: Nobody has to get hurt, Max. Max: Sure, until you get what you want. Tess: It's not just what I want, it's what's meant to be. It's all in here, Max. Our destiny. Max: No! I am not like you. I live in this world. It's all I know! And I will not be a part of anything as evil as you. Tess: Is that what you think I am? Max: Show me who you really are. Don't hide behind this face. Tess: I'm not hiding, Max. Max: I said, show me! Shape-shift! Show me what you really look like...what I really look like. Tess: God, Max, that's not who I am. That's not who I am. Think Max. You've seen my face before. You know who I am. (Max has a vision of himself coming out of the pod. Isabel and Michael were already out. There was a fourth pod with a girl with blond curls. They left her there.) Tess: You know who I am now, don't you. You understand our destiny. Michael: Hey. What the hell did you do to him? To all of us? Max: Michael, stop it. She's not Nasedo. Isabel: Then who is she, Max? Max: She's one of us. (Scene fades out with an overhead shot of the 4 aliens in the four square formation)
Plan: A: Tess; Q: Who do the aliens and their friends not trust? A: Max; Q: Who is drawn to Tess? A: Liz; Q: Who watches Max and Tess? A: The gang; Q: Who uncovers the truth? Summary: The aliens and their friends don't trust Tess, but Max is strangely and uncontrollably drawn to her, as Liz watches. The gang uncovers the truth.
[Before the teaser there is a montage of scenes from previous episodes.] MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO [Lorelai enters and sits next to Sookie. The town meeting is about to start.] LORELAI: Hi! SOOKIE: Hey! Haven't started yet. LORELAI: Oh, good. Sorry I'm late. I found Paul Anka hiding underneath the kitchen sink, chewing on one of my favorite pairs of shoes. SOOKIE: Boy, that guy's career has really hit the skids. [She giggles and Lorelai rolls her eyes.] Okay, that is officially my last 'Paul Anka the person is living in your house' joke. [Lorelai nods. Taylor bangs the gavel to start the meeting.] TAYLOR: Hello, everybody. Thank you all for coming. We have a packed agenda tonight so why don't we get started? First off, a little update on the improvements to the post office building - [Kirk and Andrew burst in the side door and interrupt the meeting, they are dressed in re-enactors outfits.] ANDREW: What be this? KIRK: A gathering of some kind. ANDREW: Be it safe, or shall I raise my musket? KIRK: Patience, brother! Despite the disturbing sight of women in pantaloons - LORELAI: Oh, I hope this isn't an audience participation thing. TAYLOR: Excuse me, but we're in the middle of something here! Who are you? GYPSY: It's Kirk! KIRK: I am Phineas and this is my brother, Zebediah. We have come a long way. Through space and time. ANDREW: We hail from Stars Hollow. I, a silversmith and he, a simple cobbler. KIRK: With good rates. I will cobble you a... cobbled thing for a haypenny. SOOKIE: Does Kirk know what a cobbler is? LORELAI: I'm guessing no. TAYLOR: But I know all the denizens of Stars Hollow. I don't recognize you! GYPSY: It's Kirk and Andrew! TAYLOR [Speaking strongly]: Gypsy. GYPSY: It is! KIRK: And we do not recognize you. As residents of the year 1779, all looks foreign to us. LORELAI: Who's going to tell him those outfits are so 1778? TAYLOR: Why, you have sojourned from the very year of Stars Hollow's founding! I pray, good sirs, do you still find our town pleasing? KIRK: Yes, but much has changed. Samuel Munson's apothecary is gone, and with it, his leeches. ANDREW: And Old Clay's gambling hall, where we did frolic with wenches. KIRK: We are without leeches and wenches. ANDREW: And most disorienting, the street names. They're all so different! KIRK: We were looking for Blacksmith's Road and found Peach Street. ANDREW: And for Longman's Leap and found Second Avenue. TAYLOR: That must be very confusing. Pray, tell me, how may we ease your passage? KIRK: If the town were to return to it's old street names, we would more easily find our way. TAYLOR [theatrically]: The old street names, you say! Gentlemen, do take seats while I confer with my contemporaries. [They sit next too Gypsy, in the front row with.] GYPSY: Who are you fooling? KIRK: Shh! GYPSY: You're wearing tube socks. TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, our tourism revenue is off twenty-six percent from the previous fiscal year. In that same time, Woodbury and Cogsville's revenue has jumped. That's because they are highlighting their heritage, thus increasing their charm. The more charm a town has, the greater its tourism revenue. MISS PATTY: We've got charm. BABETTE: Yeah! You wouldn't believe the bikini waxes Lisa's doing at the beauty parlor! Any shape you can imagine. So clever. And charming. TAYLOR: But not historically charming. Which is why I'm proposing changing our street names back to what they were at Stars Hollow's founding. MISS PATTY: Isn't that going to cost a lot of money? BABETTE: Yeah, Taylor, you hate spending money. TAYLOR: This is an investment in our future. GYPSY: I'll have to buy new business cards. LORELAI: I think it would be kinda cool. MISS PATTY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah. I like old-timey stuff, and the Dragonfly's on Third Street, which is kind of boring. TAYLOR: Well, thank you, Lorelai, for your sound opinion. I think it's one of my better ideas. LORELAI: I agree. It's not like the time you guaranteed the tourists a mosquito-free summer and then released hundreds of bats all over town. MISS PATTY: Oh, that was a stinker. SOOKIE: Or how about when he was trying to attract families to visit the town by driving his van around other towns and beckoning kids with candy! [Giggling and laughing from the crowd.] GYPSY: That was dumb. BABETTE: Really dumb! TAYLOR: So... we're saying this is a good idea? LORELAI: That is what we're saying. TAYLOR: Let's put it to a vote, then, shall we? All those in favour raise hands. [Most of the people raise their hands.] TAYLOR: Excellent, then the motion is passed and we shall change our street names! [He bangs the gavel.] Now, our next order of business - BABETTE: Oh, wait! What about when he had us re-enact the Boston Tea Party in the lake! TAYLOR [warning]: Babette. GYPSY: What a disaster. MISS PATTY: We're still paying off the EPA fines! TAYLOR: Folks, please. LORELAI: What about the museum of rocks that looked like famous people? SOOKIE: Ooh, that's my favorite! [Jackson rolls his eyes and everyone laughs.] OPENING CREDITS LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai is reading the newspaper at the counter, when Lane brings her breakfast.] LANE: Here you go, scooped bagel, cream cheese, jam. LORELAI: Thank you! Did you save the scoopings? [Lane brings up an extra plate.] I love you. LANE: So, what's going on in the world? LORELAI: Nothing. LANE: Nothing. LORELAI: - good. There's nothing good. There's absolutely nothing even remotely positive going on anywhere in the world. How can that be? LANE: That's why I don't read the paper anymore. LORELAI: You will mine. I'm starting my own. The Good News Daily. Nothing but good news, every day. LANE: Sounds good. LORELAI: "No civil war in Canada." Big article. "Cars drive down road without incident." Front-page news. "Puppies, how cute are they?" In-depth expose and the subscription is free. How happy is that? LANE: I may end up in a better mood. LUKE [Going behind the counter]: So what are you hanging out here for? LORELAI: Oh, ouch, what happened to the love? LUKE: You know what I mean. You're usually at the inn by now. LORELAI: Well, new street names are being posted today. I'm waiting for Sookie and Michel, we're going to go see what name the Dragonfly got. Want to come with, see what name you got? LUKE: I'll wait to read about it in the Good News Daily. LORELAI: All right. It's another dumb Taylor thing, sorry. You may now lower your blood pressure. LUKE: That's not why I'm not going, I just don't have the time. I think changing the street names' a fine idea. LORELAI: You're kidding. LUKE: No, change 'em all. Name 'em after cartoon characters. I'll be on Scooby Doo Lane. It's all the same to me. LORELAI: Where's this coming from? LUKE: It's taken me a ridiculous amount of years, but when it comes to all things Taylor I've adopted a Zen attitude. LORELAI [surprised]: Zen. LUKE: Go with the flow, let the River Taylor take you where it may. Don't fight it, just let it happen. LORELAI: But what if he wants to paint the diner pink for Easter like he did last year. LUKE: Then let the building be pink. LORELAI: But what if he decides we should all dress up as our favorite tree again for Arbor Day? LUKE: Wrap me in bark, fill me with sap, tell me where to stand. LORELAI: Well, what if he wants to Photoshop a picture of you with your arm around him and slap it on a billboard that overlooks the whole town? LUKE: The river's end - LORELAI: You're sitting on his lap. LUKE: - will keep on flowing. LORELAI: Holding a baby rattle. LUKE: Let me keep my Zen. LORELAI: I'm gonna miss Nuclear Luke. [Michel and Sookie enter.] SOOKIE [lively]: Hey. LORELAI: Hi! SOOKIE: We just passed Esther Wilkins. She got Constabulary Road. Constabulary Road! How cool is that? LORELAI: Very! I'll be done here in a minute. MICHEL: Do you have coffee? LUKE: You mean, here, at my coffee shop? Uh, let me think. Yeah. MICHEL: Give it. LORELAI: You're going to need a little Zen for him too. MICHEL: This is very early for me to get up. SOOKIE: You'll survive, big guy! MICHEL: I'm not at my best if I don't get my model's twelve. SOOKIE: Well, you hide beautifully. MICHEL: It's the keels. Absinthe serum with ginkgo extract. Like you're washing your face in a bowl of diamonds. SOOKIE: A bowl of diamonds? Doesn't that just cut up your face? MICHEL: Huh. I need my coffee. [Lorelai looks in the paper again and is taken aback seeing a photo of Rory from the DAR part from last week.] ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM [Richard is also reading the same newspaper and looking at the same photo.] EMILY: Does your grapefruit taste strange to you? RICHARD: What? EMILY: The grapefruit. Is it unnaturally sweet? RICHARD: It tastes like grapefruit, Emily. EMILY: There's sugar on it. I can taste it. Consuela put sugar on it. RICHARD: If you say. EMILY: That girl puts sugar on everything! Like yesterday's salmon. Fish is not supposed to be caramelised. RICHARD: I didn't notice. EMILY: Don't defend her, Richard. RICHARD: I'm not defending her, Emily. EMILY [stands up]: It starts with the grapefruit, next it'll be the berries, the melons. Pretty soon everything in this house will be candied. [Walking to the intercom.] Rory, breakfast is ready! [Rory, stunted sits up in bed, still half asleep she walks over to the intercom.] EMILY: Rory, are you there? Rory! RORY [mumbling into the intercom]: Good morning, Grandma. EMILY: You're not still sleeping, are you? RORY [yawns]: No. EMILY: You're missing Katie Couric. RORY: I don't watch Katie Couric. EMILY: Oh. I thought you watch Katie Couric. I heard you mention her once. RORY: Grandma, did you find someone to fix the intercom yet? It's stuck at this one volume. Loud. EMILY: I've been looking and looking, but the company that made it went out of business in 1973. The Binsor Corp. Arthur Godfried was their spokesman. RORY: Who? EMILY: Oh, he was sort of a Katie Couric of his day. We'll get the intercom fixed, I promise. RORY: Good. EMILY: So I'll go ahead and pour you some coffee? RORY: I'll be right in. EMILY: I'm signing off! Ten-four! RORY [sleepily]: Ten-four. [Emily goes back to her seat, as she passes Richard she see the photo in the paper.] EMILY: Isn't that a pretty picture? RICHARD: The prettiest. EMILY: That outfit matched her face. You'll get extra copies for us, right? RICHARD: I'll have my secretary get them. EMILY [sitting]: So have you seen Logan around lately? RICHARD: I don't know if it was lately. EMILY: That makes me nervous. RICHARD: Well, he's busy too. EMILY: I hope that's it, and not something else. RICHARD: What else would it be? EMILY: Oh, that talk I had with Shira. I hoped our understanding was clear about those two. That we were going to let them be. Maybe I was just being naive. [Richard turns the page.] Richard, are you listening to me? RICHARD: Yes, Emily. And just because you haven't seen the boy doesn't mean anything. Our hours are different from theirs. [The doorbell rings and Emily looks around.] EMILY: Consuela! Consuela! [She throws her napkin down and gets up.] She's probably in the backyard harvesting sugar cane. [She walks to the front door.] RICHARD [under his breath]: Maybe Consuela and Logan have run off together. EMILY [OS]: Not funny! [She receives a package for Mr. Gilmore.] Thanks. RICHARD: Logan's probably out of town. Or busy with school. EMILY [OS]: All I know is I haven't seen him and Rory is lying in bed 'till eight-thirty every morning. [She walks back in.] That could be some sort of young woman's melancholy. Something from your office. [Giving an envelope to Richard.] Though why I had to fetch it I don't know. I'll remind Consuela it's part of her job. Assuming she hasn't left us to go work full-time for that giant sugar consortium that sent her here. What's that? RICHARD: Just an insurance claim from the Dragonfly. EMILY: A claim? What sort of claim? RICHARD: Oh, they had a small fire there last week. EMILY: They had a fire? RICHARD: Oh, don't get excited. EMILY: Is Lorelai okay? RICHARD: She's fine. EMILY: Did you talk to her? RICHARD: I talked to her. EMILY: You talked to her. RICHARD: Yes, Emily. She had a small fire. EMILY: Well, how did she sound? RICHARD: Just like she'd had a small fire. It was a very quick face-to-face, and then I left. EMILY: Face-to-face? You saw her face-to-face? RICHARD: Well, I had to go over there. EMILY: Why did you have to go over there? RICHARD: Because, Emily! She'd just had a small fire! EMILY: How did she look? RICHARD: Fine. EMILY: Was she thin, heavy, did she look tired? What was she wearing? And is she still in that netherworld of 'I don't know what my hair is supposed to be'? RICHARD: She looked just like Lorelai. [Giving up she goes back to her seat.] RICHARD: It was a very brief conversation! Unlike the one you and I are having. EMILY: You should have told me, Richard. [She takes a bite of her grapefruit and grimaces.] And this grapefruit is definitely sugared! STARS HOLLOW STREET [Lorelai, Sookie and Michel are walking.] LORELAI: I hope it's something like Calla Lily Lane. You know, like a flower, something pretty. SOOKIE: Or Charing Cross Road, or Abbey Road, something classic. MICHEL: Can we walk a little faster, please? SOOKIE: Michel's still pouting? MICHEL: I'm not pouting. LORELAI: Oh, so your botox has worn off? MICHEL: It has not, and I'm not pouting. LORELAI: Well, then, get with the spirit. This is a workout, and you're getting paid for this. MICHEL: So it takes the three of us to stare at a stupid piece of cardboard. Maybe later we can all gang up on that light bulb. [They stop at the town map of Stars Hollow.] LORELAI: Okay, let's see here. SOOKIE: Ooh, I'm so excited. It's like Spanish class where everyone gets a Spanish name. LORELAI: What were you? SOOKIE: Sookia. I don't think it's a real Spanish name, I think they just added an 'A' on the end. [They look at the map.] LORELAI: Okay, see, where are we? SOOKIE: There! Right there! MICHEL: That is the lake, Sookie. If we were there, we would all have drowned. We are at the bottom. LORELAI: No, no, no, I think we're off to the right. Or, off to the left. Wait, where's north? SOOKIE: Everything's rotated ninety degrees. This map's completely whack-a-doodle. I can't find - oh. MICHEL: Oh, no. LORELAI [gasps]: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no. DRAGONFLY INN [Sookie and Michel enter, in a bad mood, followed by Lorelai on her cell phone.] LORELAI: Yeah. No, I understand, Taylor's a very busy man, but it's just a quick question. Lorelai Gilmore. You know me, Joey. You cleaned out my rain gutters last year. Yes, I paid you! I most definitely paid you! SOOKIE: Got to be a mistake. Got to be a mistake! MICHEL: Sores and Boils Alley. SOOKIE: Stop saying that! MICHEL: We are on Sores and Boils Alley! SOOKIE: What kind of menu could you serve on Sores and Boils Alley, huh? Huh? MICHEL: Anything in a crust. SOOKIE: Eugh. LORELAI: Try in the storage room, Joey! Yes, I know it's creepy in there, but I really need to speak to him. SOOKIE: Why couldn't it be something that didn't ooze or run? Like a wart! Or a bunion! Bunions are okay. They're sort of onions mixed with buns, and that's sort of appetizing if you don't think too hard. MICHEL: You know what this means, don't you? LORELAI: It means nothing. SOOKIE: It means my next review will be in the New England Journal of Medicine! LORELAI: I want you to both chill out. I will fix this just as soon as I get Taylor on the phone. SOOKIE: Okay. Maybe if we come up with a catchy phrase. You know, something funny, so it seems like we're in on the joke, you know? Like, we're aware. Ironic and hip. [A deliveryman comes in the room and goes to Lorelai.] MICHEL: Like what? What catchy phrase using the words Sores and Boils will make us seem like we're in on the joke? DELIVERYMAN: Delivery. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I'll sign for it. [She signs for a package, the deliveryman leaves.] SOOKIE: Michel, don't get hostile with me! MICHEL: You are a silly woman. SOOKIE: I am not silly! You're silly! LORELAI [opening up the box]: Hey, I want you both to cut it out. Now, I am going to fix this. I mean, the whole idea behind this street name thing was to improve tourism. You know? Not destroy it. So - huh. [She pulls out an old cuckoo clock.] Sookie, did you order this? SOOKIE: Nope. LORELAI: Michel? MICHEL: Yeah, right. Like I'm going to buy an analog clock. Do I look two hundred and five? LORELAI: Well, apparently it's for me, but I didn't order a clock. [On the phone.] Uh, yes, I'm still here. No, okay, just tell him I called. [She hangs up the phone.] SOOKIE: You couldn't find Taylor? LORELAI: Don't worry, I will! MICHEL: I'm going to go add a few select fibs to my resume. LORELAI: Michel! [He leaves.] I will find him, Sookie, don't cry! SOOKIE [almost crying]: White sauce looks like pus! LORELAI: Go in the kitchen, Sookie. SOOKIE: Salsa Verde looks like infection! LORELAI: Kitchen, go! [On her way to the kitchen, Sookie whimpers. Lorelai checks out the new clock.] RORY'S POOL HOUSE [Logan knocks on the door of the pool house, Rory waves him in. He is carrying a very big shopping bag.] RORY: Wow, you made good time. LOGAN: Silly rabbit, speed limits are for kids. [They kiss.] RORY: Hey, you went shopping? LOGAN: Actually, I did. RORY: For me? LOGAN: For you. RORY: Wow, what's the occasion? LOGAN: Where is it written you need an occasion? RORY [pulls a large box out of the bag]: Wow, you did it. You brought me the head of Alfredo Garcia. LOGAN [laughing]: Open it, Ace. [She takes a large cloth bag out of the box.] RORY: Wow, cool, a bag! LOGAN: Look inside! [She pulls a pink leather purse out of the cloth bag.] RORY: Wow, cool! A bag! LOGAN: You like it? RORY: Hello, I'm a girl. It's a purse. LOGAN: Not just a purse, it's a Birkin bag. RORY: I went to school with a guy named Birkin. LOGAN: I don't think this is the same Birkin. RORY: Oh. Well, it's beautiful. I mean, it's snazzy and classy, and oh, smell it. It's got that great new car smell, except it's not a car. Oh, I love it Logan. I love it. Thank you so much. [She looks in the pockets.] LOGAN: You're welcome. Sorry, there's not another bag inside the bag inside the bag inside the box inside the bag. RORY: It's great. You know, I think my computer cords would fit in this perfectly. LOGAN: Uh, this is not a computer cord kind of purse, Ace. You know what, why don't you just call my sister, she'll fill you in. It's like a 'thing', you know? RORY [smiling]: Huh. It's a thing. A beautiful leather grown-up thing. LOGAN: So you ready to go? RORY: Uh, yeah. [She picks up her old purse, starts moving the contents it into the new bag, she gives up and puts the whole thing inside.] Let's go! [They leave together.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Paul Anka is on the bed and Lorelai sits next to him, she is waiting on the phone.] LORELAI: Come on, Taylor, answer! TAYLOR: Taylor's Ye Olde Soda Shoppe! How can I help ye? LORELAI: Taylor! It's Lorelai! I've been trying to reach you all day. TAYLOR: Lorelai! Oh, well, Joey mentioned that. He also mentioned something about not being paid for some rain gutters he cleaned? That's not cool. LORELAI: Look, Taylor, um, do you by any chance know what street name the Dragonfly got? TAYLOR: Of course! Sores and Boils Alley! LORELAI: So you knew about it. TAYLOR: Absolutely. LORELAI: Sores and Boils? TAYLOR: That's right. LORELAI: Sores and Boils? TAYLOR: Yes, indeed. I'd kill to have that name, quite frankly. You're a lucky woman. LORELAI: How? TAYLOR: Sores and Boils Alley is one of the most historical places in all Stars Hollow! In the eighteenth century, if you had a sore or a boil, you came to Stars Hollow to have it lanced - LORELAI: Yeah, but - TAYLOR: - to the very site of your establishment! Word is they also had a leper colony in your garage! I'm trying to verify that. If we do, you get a plaque. LORELAI: Okay, Taylor. Look. [The doorbell rings goes and answers it.] TAYLOR: Truth is, this town wouldn't be here without your street! Sores and boils may seem minor to us now, as we sit here with our Sea Breeze astringent and our Pond's cold cream, but time was they were the scourge with no cure. And where was that noble work done? Where were the sick cured and the suffering put at ease? I'll tell you where, on Sores and Boils Alley! In fact, I even have a valuable collection of antique lances. Yours for the asking. As a loaner, of course. The Dragonfly can display them in the lobby. Assuming you're bonded. [Lorelai opens the door to another deliveryman. He brings in a huge box and sets it down, she signs for it and he leaves.] LORELAI: Look, the historical thing, it's swell. The boils and sores and lepers and lances. Great stuff. If you're running a hospice in the eighteenth century. But I'm running an inn in the twenty-first! TAYLOR: And? LORELAI: People come here for a beautiful nice romantic time. And part of what I slightly overcharge them for is the ambiance. TAYLOR: Is there a point here? LORELAI: The point is that I don't want to have to go around advertising, 'Come to historic Stars Hollow! It's not as gross as it sounds!' TAYLOR: I must say, I'm very surprised at this negativity! You were so supportive at the meeting. What happened, a fight with Luke? LORELAI: Look, Taylor, I'm trying to be very Zen about this, but this name is just not going to work for me! TAYLOR: Well, I'm not really sure what to do about this. LORELAI: We could just keep our old street name. No harm, no foul, no Lorelai pulling her hair out. TAYLOR: No. The whole town's changing, that won't work at all. But I will think about your situation and try to come up with alternatives. LORELAI: Great. And I'll think about it too, and together I'm sure we'll figure something out. Huh? We can fix this! TAYLOR: All right. LORELAI: Great. Thank you, Taylor. [She hangs up the phone, pulling a very big antique birdcage out of the box. She looks at Paul Anka.] LORELAI: You order a birdcage? GILMORE HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Walking past the main house.] RORY: I've never had so many compliments about anything. LOGAN: It's not the bag, Ace, it's the arm it's on. RORY: And, I, like, swear that I'm not going to let ballpoint pens explode in the bottom of it. LOGAN: Crap, I left my cell back in the car. RORY: Are you expecting a call? LOGAN: From my dad. He's dragging me to a corporate retreat at his editor's. Three days of absolutely, Mitchum. Great idea, Mitchum. Can I pre-chew that food for you, Mitchum? RORY: You can suffer through three days. LOGAN: I'll meet you back at the pool house, okay? RORY: Don't get lost. [Logan watches Rory walking towards the pool house as Richard opens the side door of the main house.] RICHARD: Oh, Logan! I thought I heard a noise. LOGAN: Richard. Yes, I was just dropping Rory off. RICHARD: Oh! [He checks his watch.] Ten o'clock on the button, well done! LOGAN: Well, I didn't want to keep her out too late, sir. RICHARD: Well, you're a responsible young man, Logan. Say, how about a nightcap? I have a new single malt I'm dying to break in. LOGAN [shrugging]: Sounds great. [Richard closes the door behind him.] RICHARD [to Emily]: Look who I found! EMILY: Logan! You found Logan. How are you? LOGAN: How are you, Emily? RICHARD: Logan was just dropping Rory off. EMILY: Ten o'clock on the button! RICHARD: A gentleman, this one. EMILY: Logan, would you like some coffee? Perhaps some dessert? LOGAN: Thanks, Emily, but I've eaten. RICHARD: I thought the two of us would, uh, grab a little nightcap. EMILY: Well, I'll leave you men to your drinks. LOGAN: Good seeing you, Emily. [Emily leaves.] RICHARD [offering Logan a seat]: Please. [He sits and Richard starts making the drinks.] RICHARD: So, how are things, Logan? LOGAN: Fine. RICHARD: Good. Back at school, are you? LOGAN: For a few weeks now. RICHARD: Good, good. Good that you're back. Got any classes that you're interested in this year? LOGAN: Semester's shaping up okay. [Richard hands Logan his drink.] Thank you. RICHARD: Oh. Cheers. [Richard sits down as they each take a sip.] You working at the Yale paper again? LOGAN: Yes, sir. RICHARD: Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? LOGAN: Not if the tree has anything to say about it. RICHARD: Yes, well. It's good to see you. We don't get many sightings of you young people nowadays, the two of you, ensconced back there at the pool house. Rory's so busy. Her life's a total mystery to us. She could be in the CIA for all we know. LOGAN: Well, I don't think she's joined the CIA, sir, but I'll check her purse for secret documents. RICHARD [chuckles]: So, tell me, Logan, what is going on with Rory? Uh, yours and Rory's life? LOGAN: Uh, nothing special. RICHARD: No? Oh, well. Does she have any big plans? LOGAN: Plans? RICHARD: Yes, well, the way that girl keeps to herself, we wouldn't know if she was moving to Peru. Are you two planning on moving to Peru? LOGAN: No, we're not. RICHARD: Well, if not Peru, then what is on the horizon for Rory? And for you. Anything different going to happen? LOGAN: I don't, uh, well, we're thinking of going to the Vineyard in a few weeks, that's about it. RICHARD: A trip to the Vineyard? LOGAN: Yes, sir. RICHARD: Nothing else coming down the pike? LOGAN: No, sir. [Logan sees Rory through the window behind Richard.] RICHARD: Hm. Well, the Vineyard is always nice. Very brisk this time of year. RORY [entering]: Hey, Logan. What are you doing here? I thought you'd left. LOGAN: I ran into Richard on the way out. EMILY [coming back down the stairs]: Rory, is that you? RORY: Um, yeah, Grandma, it's me. EMILY: What are you doing here? RORY: Well, I was just looking for some sugar. For my morning coffee. EMILY: Oh, please, don't get me started on sugar. LOGAN: Richard and I were just catching up. RICHARD: Having a little 'digestif'. LOGAN: Yes, and, Richard, the scotch was great, but I should probably get going given the hour. RICHARD: Oh, of course. RORY: I'll walk you out. LOGAN: Richard, Emily. RICHARD: Good to see you, Logan. EMILY: Drive safe! [Rory and Logan both leave.] EMILY [smiles up at Richard]: So what were you two chatting about? RICHARD: Oh, this and that. EMILY: Did it seem like everything was fine between the two of them? RICHARD: Far as I could tell. We're missing Charlie Rose. [They head upstairs. Rory and Logan tiptoe past the window.] RORY'S POOLHOUSE [Rory and Logan enter.] RORY: What was that all about? LOGAN: What was that about? Your grandfather was asking me about my intentions. RORY: Your intentions? Toward what? LOGAN: Uh, toward you. Us. Marriage. RORY: What? Why? LOGAN: I don't know. Suddenly I was in there and he was asking me all kinds of questions about our plans and the future and the CIA and Peru. RORY: I don't understand! Why would he do this? LOGAN: I don't know. RORY: I'm only twenty. We're young. We just started going out. Why would we even be thinking about marriage? LOGAN: I don't know, Ace. These are all really good questions. Listen, maybe we should hang out at my place for a while so as not to give your grandparents a visual to latch onto. RORY: No. Look, I'll take care of this. I promise. Don't worry about it. LOGAN: Ace, it's okay. You don't have to do anything. RORY: No, this is not okay. This is not cool. I don't want them thinking this, I don't want you feeling like you can't come over here. I promise you, I will take care of this, okay? LOGAN: Okay. Oh! RORY: What? LOGAN: My cell phone's still in my car. RORY: Oh, sorry. LOGAN: Hey, if I'm not back in five minutes it means I'm in the main house picking out china patterns with Emily. [Logan leaves.] DRAGONFLY INN [Michel at the front desk. Lorelai walks up to him] LORELAI: Oh, I'm starved. MICHEL: You're always starved. LORELAI: Yes, but now I'm crash landed in the Andes, eat my team mates starved. I'll be back in an hour. [She sees a small pile of packages on the counter.] No. MICHEL: Mm-hm. Three more packages, all for you. LORELAI [opening the boxes]: Where is all this stupid stuff coming from? [She pulls out a china figurine.] MICHEL: Looks like classic home shopping channel merchandise to me. LORELAI: I haven't bought anything off the home shopping channel. MICHEL: That you remember. LORELAI: How could I not remember? MICHEL: You could be deluding yourself. Suppressing a shameful, costly, and yes, extremely tacky shopping addiction from your memory. LORELAI: I do not have a home shopping channel addiction. [She removes a matching figurine from the second box.] This does look familiar. Like I've seen it before. MICHEL: Mm-hm. And was Joan Rivers or Suzanne Somers holding it up? LORELAI: I'm not buying these things. MICHEL: Keep telling yourself that. By the way, Kirk is in the dining room wanting to speak to you. LORELAI: Must be about the street name. MICHEL: Can you contain your personal demons long enough to face him, or shall I send him away? LORELAI: Enough, Michel. MICHEL: It's never enough. That is the problem. [SCENE_BREAK] [Lorelai walks into the dining room, shakes hands with Kirk.] KIRK: Lorelai, hello. LORELAI: Hello, Kirk. KIRK: Have a seat. LORELAI: Okay. [They sit down.] KIRK: I'm pleased to inform you that the Stars Hollow board of tourism has graciously decided to offer you a proposal. LORELAI [relieved]: Great. I appreciate it. What do you have for me? KIRK: Well, you can choose any of three historically anchored street names that pre-dated Sores and Boils Alley. It's a generous proposal. LORELAI: Let's hear 'em. KIRK: The first one is Constabulary Road. LORELAI: Constabulary Road. KIRK: It's a very nice name. Classic. Very evocative of old-time Stars Hollow. LORELAI: Yes, it's very nice, but Kirk, that's the exact same name of Esther Wilkins' street. I mean, the exact name. It's taken. KIRK: I know. Apparently at one time there were several streets named Constabulary Road in Stars Hollow. LORELAI: Yeah, that would be incredibly confusing. KIRK: Oh, it would be a disaster. It was back then, too. Mail was mis-delivered, soldiers lost their way. It completely disoriented senior citizens. There was rioting, chaos, death. Everyone hated it. LORELAI: What's number two? KIRK: Number two. Chergogagog Manchogagog Cherbonagongamog. LORELAI: Chergona-what? KIRK: An old Nimblook Indian name. It means: you fish on your side of the lake, I'll fish on my side, no one fishes in the middle. Or maybe it means Buffalo. LORELAI: It's unpronouncable. Next? KIRK: From 1768, something flavorful. Crusty Bulge. LORELAI: Oh, come on! KIRK: Is that a no? LORELAI: Yes, that's a no! Kirk, these are not legitimate choices! KIRK: Taylor thinks they are. LORELAI: Well, Taylor is wrong. The Dragonfly is a business! We need a credible street name! So I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're keeping Third Street. KIRK: Taylor is not going to like that. LORELAI: Well, too bad. 'Cause that's what we're doing. Decision made. 'Cause it's not going to be Crusty Bulge! And it's not going to be an Indian name that no one can pronounce, and it's not going to be a name that fifty thousand other people had that caused mass chaos and death in 1492 and oh my God, I just realized where all that stuff is from! KIRK: What? What stuff? LORELAI [stands]: Never mind, just tell Taylor what I said. KIRK: So we're done here? LORELAI: Definitely. KIRK [loosening off his tie]: Thank God. Mom tied this way too tight. [Lorelai leaves.] RORY'S POOL HOUSE [Rory's pours herself some coffee. Hearing a knock at the door, she answers it. Emily enter with a very old man.] EMILY: Am I disturbing? RORY: No, come on in. EMILY: Rory, this is Edgar Pullings. He installed the intercom forty-six years ago. RORY: Nice to meet you. [Pause.] EMILY [shouting]: She said 'nice to meet you'! EDGAR: Oh. Nice to meet you, young lady. EMILY: He calls me that, too. [Loudly] It's right in there, Edgar! EDGAR: Okay, I'll have a look-see. EMILY [loudly]: You just holler when you're situated and I'll bring in your toolbox. And if you're feeling faint or need a glass of water, don't be shy! [Emily leads the old man to the bedroom and turns back to Rory.] I'm sorry for the short notice, but once I found him I thought I'd better get him over here before he - retires. RORY: No, it's great. Thank you. EMILY: Everything else around here up to snuff? Are the sheets being over-ironed? RORY: No. They're perfect. EMILY: Because that's not an urban legend. If sheets have a high thread count, they can be over-ironed. RORY [Nods]: Grandma, can I ask a favour? EMILY: Of course. RORY: I was just wondering if you would speak with Grandpa for me. EMILY: About what? [They both sit on the lounge.] RORY: Well, when he had the nightcap with Logan, he said some things that made Logan a little uncomfortable. EMILY: Oh, no, what kind of things? RORY: Just things about our future - Logan's and mine. I think Grandpa wanted to find out if we were getting married. EMILY [surprised]: What? RORY: And the thing is, we're young. And we haven't been going out for that long. It's way too soon for us to be thinking about getting serious. EMILY: Of course it is! Your grandfather should know better. Don't you worry, I'll clear this up with him. RORY: Thank you, Grandma. EMILY: My pleasure. So, now that that's taken care of, tell me. Just between us girls. How are things going between you two? RORY [blushing]: Well, they're great. Logan's very nice. He bought me this terrific gift, just completely out of the blue. EMILY: Is that so? RORY: Totally unexpected. It's called a Birkin bag? EMILY [floored]: A Birkin bag. Oh, my God. A Birkin bag? RORY: You've heard of it? EMILY: Of course! That's a very nice purse! RORY: Oh. Maybe I shouldn't use it? EMILY: Oh, no. A Birkin bag is meant to be used. And seen. RORY: I had no idea. EMILY [pleased]: Well, well, well. A Birkin bag! A Birkin bag. A Birkin bag for Rory. RORY: Grandma. EMILY: I'm just saying, I mean, Richard never bought me a Birkin bag. Oh, this is exciting! RORY: I guess it is! EMILY: A Birkin bag! I'm going to remember this day. [Day dreaming.] RORY: Um, it's been very quiet in there. EMILY: Huh? Oh, dear! [She gets up and hurries to the bedroom.] Edgar! Edgar! Edgar! LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai enters.] LORELAI: Oh, my God, I made it! Food. Me. Give. LUKE: Emergency B.L.T. LORELAI: Yeah! Emergency chilli fries and black and white shake. It's a three-alarm emergency. LUKE: Something came for you early this morning, good old Caesar signed for it. [He gestures to a giant urn next to the window to the Taylor's "Soda Shoppee".] LORELAI [gasps]: Oh my God! LUKE: Now, normally I have a blanket policy against the diner accepting humungous five-foot urns addressed to other people, but I was at the market and Caesar, he apparently didn't know about the policy. LORELAI: Oh, she is good. Covering all the bases. LUKE: Who? LORELAI: And sending it here. Brilliant! Picking away at the people closest to me. LUKE: Who? Who is this? LORELAI: Emily Gilmore! LUKE: You're kidding! LORELAI: For days she's been emptying her house, sending me everything she doesn't need anymore, trying to smoke me out of my foxhole. LUKE: Well, call her and tell her to knock it off! LORELAI: Oh, no! That's exactly what she wants! I poke my head out of the foxhole, it gets blown off! Then I have no head, Luke! LUKE: There's a giant urn in my diner. LORELAI: It started small, you know? A clock, a birdcage, some Victorian figurines, an old telescope. That was just the ground war. She was softening me up. Now comes the aerial campaign. The carpet bombing. And I bet she'll bomb me with actual carpets! LUKE: Call her. LORELAI: You mean surrender? Never! LUKE: If you don't call her, she's just going to keep sending you stuff. Sending me stuff. LORELAI: She'll run out of stuff. LUKE: She'll buy more stuff. LORELAI: She'll run out of money. LUKE: She's got endless money. LORELAI: Luke, my mom has a tenth-degree black belt in passive aggression. There is no counter to this move! Which means I am not going to counter. LUKE: But I can't have a giant urn sitting in my restaurant. LORELAI: Actually it's more of a vase. LUKE: I don't care what it is! The thing weighs three hundred pounds. Caesar said it took four guys to bring it in. LORELAI: You've got to admit, it does kind of spruce up the place. LUKE: It goes today. LORELAI: Okay, okay. I'll work on figuring out how to get it out of here. [She sighs.] You know, I think it's actually one of a matching pair. RICHARD'S STUDY [Emily knocking on the open door.] EMILY: You busy? RICHARD: Not too. EMILY: I wanted to let you know Rory had a little talk with me today I thought I'd share with you. RICHARD: Eh? What about? EMILY: About Logan. About something you said. It's been handled. RICHARD: Something I said? When? EMILY: Don't worry. He's fine, she's fine, they're fine. Very fine. Logan bought her the most beautiful and prestigious handbag in the world. RICHARD: A handbag? EMILY: A Birkin bag! I've shown you pictures before, remember? Around my birthday. So sophisticated. Now we know our worries about Shira messing with things were unfounded. They are doing very well. RICHARD: Yes, yes, that's fine, Emily, but what did I say that caused a problem? EMILY: Well, you scared the poor boy half to death during that nightcap of yours. RICHARD: How? EMILY: Your intentions speech? It was so out of the blue! RICHARD: My intentions speech? I'm not following. Intentions about what? EMILY: Really, Richard, you're always a half-step behind. RICHARD: That's because you tell me things in drips and drabs. What does she think I said? EMILY: That you basically asked when he was going to propose to her. RICHARD: I asked him nothing of the sort! We were just chatting. Shooting the breeze! EMILY: Well, Logan viewed it as an interrogation about his and Rory's future. RICHARD: The boy misunderstood! I wasn't talking about their future. I was talking - it was scotch talk. I would never dream of interrogating a man like that. I'll apologize to him the next time I see him! And to Rory. EMILY: Good. RICHARD: I mean, that's ridiculous. Those two are way too young to be thinking about marriage. They just met each other. EMILY: It's been over a year. RICHARD: It hasn't been a year! They're babies! EMILY: Babies! Richard, your granddaughter is about to turn twenty-one! If they did get engaged, the ceremony would be next year at the earliest, or the year after. That makes her twenty-three. RICHARD: And too young! EMILY: It's the same age I was when we got married. I wasn't too young. RICHARD: Well, we were different. EMILY: How? RICHARD: Because we're us, and Rory's Rory. She has things to do. EMILY: I don't know why you're so worked up about this. They aren't engaged. RICHARD: Good. EMILY: What was your talk with Logan about? RICHARD: I was just curious about what was going on with Rory. She can be extremely taciturn. EMILY: What are you so curious about? RICHARD: The girl spends all her time in that pool house. She's so secretive. Aren't you curious? EMILY: Richard, if you want to find out what's going on in a girl's life, you most certainly do not talk to her boyfriend. Follow me. RICHARD: Why? Where are you going? EMILY: Follow me! [He gets up and follows her to the pool house.] RICHARD: Emily! Is she home? EMILY: No, she's out! I wouldn't burst in here like this if she were home. RICHARD: We should not be here, this is prowling. EMILY: We're not prowling, Richard! You can't prowl in your own house. This is called showing concern. [Emily begins to look through drawers.] Now, tell me what we're looking for. RICHARD: I don't feel good about this. It's usually this point in the John Le Carré novels where things start to go horribly wrong. EMILY [methodically searching the room]: Oh, don't worry. I used to do this all the time with Lorelai and the things I found. Once I opened the bottom drawer to her dresser and it was chalk full of Tootsie Rolls. Hundreds and hundreds. Practically spilling out. What could a girl possibly want with a drawer full of Tootsie Rolls? RICHARD: Perhaps it was what was under the Tootsie Rolls, Emily. EMILY [stops suddenly]: Under the Tootsie Rolls! Oh, my God, I should have looked under the Tootsie Rolls! Oh, that's going to bother me. God knows what she had in there. [Richard peeks in the garbage can.] Let's split up. I'll hit the bedroom, you finish up in here. RICHARD: Well, what am I supposed to do? EMILY: Check the bookcase. They love hiding things behind books. [Richard shrugs and begins glancing around the books. EMILY [OS from the bedroom]: My! This room has really come together. But we definitely should have gone with the plantation shutters. Oh, my God! Richard! RICHARD: What? What's wrong? EMILY [emerges from the bedroom, reverently holding Rory's purse]: The Birkin bag. All hand-made, and look at those tiny stitches! Oh, does that Logan have taste? RICHARD: Okay, this is ridiculous! Let's get out of here! EMILY [sniffing the bag]: Oh, and that smell! RICHARD [opening the door]: Let's just go. EMILY: Can't you at least tell me what you were looking to find? RICHARD: I don't know! It wasn't my idea to break in! EMILY: Snooping without knowing what you were snooping for? Honestly, Richard. RICHARD: Let's just go, Emily. Now. And leave that purse! EMILY: I was going to leave the purse, Richard! [He leaves. She gazes at the purse.] Twenty-one year old girl has a Birkin bag and a grown woman doesn't. [She goes back into the bedroom, sniffing the purse and sighs longingly.] STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE [Kirk is selling town souvenirs from a miniature gazebo with a sign "Stars Hollow Visitors Centre", he is talking to a family.] KIRK: I highly recommend the miniature golf, where, coincidentally, I hold the single-round record. The property's got closed circuit, so you can forget about Mulligans. MAN: Thank you. [They leave.] KIRK: And don't forget the giant urn at Luke's. The kids will love it. [Lorelai walks up.] Lorelai! Look. I'm sitting in a little gazebo! LORELAI: I can see that, Kirk. KIRK: If you look real quick you might think it's the regular sized gazebo and that I'm a giant. LORELAI: That would be frightening. KIRK: Have you gotten your free map of historic Stars Hollow yet? Hot off the presses, everyone's enjoying them. [He gives her a town map.] LORELAI: Maps, huh? I didn't know there were maps. KIRK: And can I interest you in an historic poncho or Stars Hollow kazoo? LORELAI: Um, no, you really couldn't. Kirk, the Dragonfly is not on this! KIRK: Right. As billed, the map only represents historic Stars Hollow. LORELAI: But the Dragonfly is part of historic Stars Hollow! KIRK: Correction. Used to be. Before you rejected your historic street name. LORELAI [angry]: You took me off the map! KIRK: All cartographical decisions are strictly the province of the director of tourism. LORELAI: But you and I talked about the street names only this morning! How could the Dragonfly already be off the map? KIRK: You know the old saying, cross the Don in the morning, sleep with the fishes in the afternoon. Plus Taylor has one of those really fast laser printers. LORELAI: This is not fair! The Dragonfly is a business in Stars Hollow! This is not right. KIRK: I wish there was something I could do, but I'm just a messenger. Assistant to the messenger, actually. Taylor's been clear on that. [Lorelai throws up her hands in frustration.] Okay, okay, I shouldn't do this. I'm going to look the other way. [He turns.] Take a button. One only, please. [Lorelai drops the map back down on the counter and leaves.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai pulls up in the Jeep and walks to the house, there are boxes and other stuff on her front lawn. She hurry's inside to answers the phone.] LORELAI: Hello? EMILY I'm turning your bedroom into a gift-wrapping room and I have to get rid of your dollhouse. Do you want it? LORELAI: What? EMILY: Your dollhouse. It's quite cumbersome and I have absolutely no place to put it. LORELAI: Um, well, uh, have you checked the basement? Because I'm betting there's oodles of space down there right about now. EMILY: I'm doing some house cleaning, and I've only sent you things I was going to give you eventually anyway. Now, do you want the dollhouse or not? LORELAI: Of course I want it! EMILY: Fine. When will you come pick it up? LORELAI: Well, when I can. EMILY: I need you to give me a time, Lorelai. LORELAI: I don't know! As soon as possible, okay? I'm very busy. EMILY: Fine. But I can't store it forever. Call me the moment you work out your schedule. LORELAI: Oh, I will. The very moment. [She hangs up the phone.] LUKE'S DINER [Some kids are playing around the giant urn and one is inside it.] LUKE [shouting]: Hey, you! Get away from the urn. [He goes back to behind the counter, Lorelai enters and sits down at the counter.] LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hi. LORELAI: Kiss? LUKE: I'm too mad. LORELAI: Okay. Wait, why? 'Cause you're lips would be all fiery and it would hurt? LUKE [annoyed]: Did you know they changed my street name? LORELAI: Uh, hello, yes, where have you been? LUKE: I figured I don't have business cards, who cares? But every piece of mail I get I've got to write, change the address. Every piece of mail, because I live upstairs. LORELAI: I'm aware of that. LUKE: It's a huge hassle! LORELAI: I know! LUKE [holds up a letter]: And, I am in violation of ordinance twenty-two B. LORELAI: What is ordinance twenty-two B? LUKE: Kids playing on the urn requires a jungle gym license! As stated in ordinance twenty-two B, a fine has already been levied. LORELAI: Ah, Taylor? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: So, wait, are you mad at Taylor again? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Yay! LUKE: A jungle gym license. If I want kids playing on my urn, no one's going to tell me I need a license! [To the kids now sitting at a table] Hey, you. Go ahead! Play on the urn! [He waves the letter at Lorelai.] This stinks! LORELAI: Oh my God, I'm so glad you ditched this Zen thing, because tonight at the town meeting, I'm taking it to the people and the people are going to take it to Taylor. LUKE: Good! Take it to him! LORELAI: I've got a speech all planned, listing the years of Taylor wrongs. The abuses, the manipulations. And I'm going to get in there and make people understand that they don't have to blindly follow Taylor Doose anymore! LUKE: Good, do it. They'll follow you, they like you. LORELAI: They do like me. I'm going to use that. LUKE: I'd go too, but I'd just end up throwing a bench at him. LORELAI: There's no need. I'll handle him. LUKE: You want some coffee? LORELAI [tilts her head]: I'm beyond coffee. LUKE: Beyond coffee. This is big. LORELAI: I'm fuelled by my righteous indignation. I'll fill you in later. LUKE: I'll be here. LORELAI: Bye! [Luke kisses Lorelai on the cheek.] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Sookie and Michel are sitting and waiting. Lorelai enters, they both stand.] SOOKIE: Hey! MICHEL: How did it go? LORELAI: It went great! [She gets some coffee.] SOOKIE: So, come on, tell us, what happened? LORELAI: Well. Before the town meeting, I stopped by Luke's, right? And he was furious! Taylor slapped him with a jungle gym fine. Smoke was pouring out of his ears. And I told him, don't worry, I am on my way to take Taylor down. SOOKIE: Ooh, goody. LORELAI: So, I go to the town meeting, it's already started, right? And I come in the back door with the squeaky track, so everybody knows Lorelai's in the house. MICHEL: Mm! It's very exciting! LORELAI: Taylor's up there yammering about septic tanks, and Patty made her raisin cake, and, you know, everything's just going along, when suddenly Taylor says it's time to break. And I stand up, on the bench, totally Norma Rae, and I write 'Strike' on my town meeting flier, and I hold it up, all defiant! SOOKIE: Wow! LORELAI: Of course the Norma Rae reference was only in my head, and everyone was very confused. MICHEL: Yes, it happens a lot with you. LORELAI: So I marched up to the front of the room and I looked this town in the eye, and I said: "We, your Dragonfly Inn, are not on the map! We have been tossed off by Taylor jungle-gym-monitoring Doose, and it is not right, and he must be stopped!" And since no one had heard my conversation with Luke, I lost them again for a minute, but I got them back real quickly. MICHEL: You really need to work on that. SOOKIE: Let her talk! LORELAI: Anyhow, I told the town about how I had given them the best years of my life, and we've turned the Dragonfly into a class A, top notch destination inn, and that leaving us off the map was petty and mean-spirited, and just plain bad business! SOOKIE: Amen! Kiss the ground, the South will rise again! MICHEL: What happened then? LORELAI: Then I turned to Taylor, and I said: "Taylor Doose, if you don't put us back on the map, it will be Molly Ringwald giving her underwear to Anthony Michael Hall and he shows it to a roomful of boys who've all paid a dollar to see it." MICHEL: Oh, come on! LORELAI: No, that one he got! So he thought for a minute, then he stood up and he said to me: "Lorelai, donate a hundred dollars to the Stars Hollow historical society, and I will let you back on the map and you can keep Third Street." SOOKIE [eagerly]: One hundred dollars! MICHEL: That's nothing! What did you say? LORELAI: I said you've got a deal! SOOKIE: Oh, my God! [Michel cheerfully laughs.] LORELAI: And then, he said: "Good girl". And patted me on the head. SOOKIE: Oh no. MICHEL: Don't tell me - LORELAI: We are on Sores and Boils Alley. MICHEL: We cannot be on Sores and Boils Alley! LORELAI: Patted me on the head, Michel, like a dog. MICHEL: It's only a hundred dollars. SOOKIE: I'll pay the hundred dollars! LORELAI: You're not paying the hundred dollars! MICHEL: I'll pay seventy-five dollars! LORELAI: Nope. No one is paying anything. We are not being extorted. We are the Inn on Sores and Boils Alley. Historical. Proud. [Her cell phone rings.] MICHEL: Oozing. Festering. SOOKIE: Draining! LORELAI: Too many words for the brochure. [Answering the phone as she walks into the dining room.] Hello? EMILY: Why haven't you come to get the dollhouse yet? LORELAI: Because I've been working? EMILY: Well, Goodwill's picking it up at noon tomorrow so if you want it come and get it! LORELAI: Well, I can't come tomorrow! EMILY: Well, then, come tonight! We're up until eleven. LORELAI: No, mom, I'm thirty miles away and I'm busy! EMILY: Then it's being donated! LORELAI: You can hold onto it a little while longer! EMILY: Out of the question. It's taking up space and I can't have it here. LORELAI: Why does Goodwill have to come at noon? EMILY: Because that's the appointment I got! It's Goodwill, Lorelai, not Sotheby's! LORELAI: You know, I can't believe you. You know this dollhouse means a lot to me, and I know it means a lot to you! If you want to be this mean and vindictive, then fine. Give it to Goodwill. Give it away. Light it on fire. I don't care! [She hangs up the phone.] RORY'S POOL HOUSE [Logan knocks on the kitchen window as Rory is makes a sandwich.] RORY: Logan? LOGAN: I don't think they saw me. Can you get this open? RORY [opening the window]: Logan, it's okay. You can use the front door. LOGAN: No, this is cool. I've got a tree stump I can use as a boost out here. Or you can let down your hair. RORY: I talked to them. LOGAN: You did? RORY: Yeah. It's fine. Come around to the front. LOGAN: Okay. RORY: Okay. [Closes the window goes to the door to let Logan in.] You do know that I will be mocking you for a year for trying to climb in my kitchen window. LOGAN: I just can't face another sit-down. RORY: No, it was a misunderstanding. I talked to my grandmother and my grandfather. He was not trying to pressure you. He gets that we're young and just started dating, and he's not interested in our being serious. LOGAN: Really? RORY: Yeah. He's very sorry about the confusion. LOGAN: He is. RORY: He wants to apologize to you himself. LOGAN: And you're sure about this? RORY: I double-super swear on my Birkin bag. LOGAN: Okay, that's good. This cloak and dagger stuff is getting a little tricky if you don't own a dagger and you look funny in a cloak. RORY: I'm sure you look great in a cloak. So everything's cool? LOGAN: Everything's cool. RORY: Good. Logan - LOGAN: Yeah? RORY: I love you. LOGAN: Wow. [Pause.] The lady who sold that purse to me said this was going to happen. RORY [laughs]: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spring that on you, I just - I wanted to say it, so I said it. But I don't expect anything. Believe me. I was in the position once where someone said that to me, completely out of the blue, and I was completely thrown. So, don't worry. You don't have to respond immediately. I mean, in fact, you don't have to say anything at all. LOGAN: Look, I've told a lot of girls that I love them before and I didn't mean it. So, I'm not going to do that to you. [Rory frowns.] Boy, that didn't come out right. It was supposed to sound a lot more - RORY [smiling]: Hey, you don't have to say anything at all. [Logan kisses Rory.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting on the bed, Luke is helping sort through the gifts from Emily.] LUKE: One antique bellows. LORELAI: Salvation Army. LUKE: Worn leather, brass studs. Wow, this thing's a real beaut. LORELAI: Well, either buy it a ring or move on. Next? LUKE: Dough beater, early sixties. Wow, they don't make 'em like this anymore. LORELAI: Salvation Army. LUKE: Mint condition, industrial grade, five quart capacity? LORELAI: Salvation Army. [The doorbell rings and she gets up.] Oh, my pizza! LUKE: Oh, there's some sort of card in here. [Reading from the card] Emily and Richard, congratulations on your wedding. Love Aunt Celeste. LORELAI: Thank you, Aunt Celeste. Love, the Salvation Army. [Lorelai answers the door.] RICHARD: Hello, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hey, Dad. RICHARD: I thought you'd want this. [He moves aside to reveal her dollhouse sitting on the porch.] LORELAI [taken aback]: Thanks. I do. RICHARD: And - we need to talk about Rory. [Lorelai takes a deep breath.]
Plan: A: tourism; Q: What does Taylor want to boost by reviving Stars Hollow's original street names? A: Taylor; Q: Who suggests reviving Stars Hollow's original street names? A: Lorelai; Q: Who is surprised by the packages that start to arrive? A: a charming idea; Q: What does Lorelai think of the idea of reviving Stars Hollow's original street names? A: Mysterious packages; Q: What does Lorelai begin to receive after learning the new Dragonfly Inn address? A: Emily; Q: Who is sending Lorelai packages? A: a dollhouse; Q: What does Emily want Lorelai to pick up? A: the next day; Q: When does Emily say she will donate the dollhouse? A: Richard; Q: Who shows up to deliver the dollhouse? A: Logan; Q: Who gives Rory an expensive handbag? Summary: To boost tourism, Taylor suggests reviving Stars Hollow's original street names. Lorelai thinks that's a charming idea - until she learns what the new Dragonfly Inn address will be. Mysterious packages begin to arrive for Lorelai. Lorelai figures out that it's Emily sending her the items. Emily insists that Lorelai pick up a dollhouse or she will donate it the next day. Richard shows up to deliver the dollhouse and to talk about Rory. Logan gives Rory an expensive handbag.
Camelot castle People are running through the castle square, amongst burning rubble. Arthur and his knights run past with crossbows. Arthur: I know you're tired, but make one last effort for me! Every shot must count! [SCENE_BREAK] Castle: hospital Gwen: I don't think people can suffer a third night of this. Gaius: We must trust in Arthur. Gwen: I do. But even he has little chance. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle battlements Merlin follows Arthur on the battlements. The situation looks pretty compromised. Merlin: I'm sorry you're having to do this. Arthur: Why? You're not to blame. Merlin looks uncomfortable. The dragon flies over Camelot. The soldiers and Sir Leon look terrified. Arthur: Flame up! Knights light their arrows and take aim. Arthur: Stay strong! For tonight is not your night to die, I will make sure of that! Hold firm! Hold! Hold! Now! Knights shoot arrow, it's useless and the dragon flames the battlements. They all duck. - Opening Credits - [SCENE_BREAK] Castle Hospital The atmosphere is chaotic, people everywhere. Gwen: We've no clean water left. Gaius: I know, but it's too dangerous to go out there. Gwen heads for the door. Gaius: Gwen! Don't! [SCENE_BREAK] Castle courtyard Gwen takes a bucket to the well in the squre, stepping over the rubble while everyone else flees. Dragon flies overhead. She begins to draw from the well. Arthur enters the square. The dragon circles above. Arthur: Clear the square! Arthur notices Gwen drawing from the well. Arthur: Gwen?! Arthur looks up at the dragon as it starts to turn for an attack. Arthur: Guinevere! Gwen turns and sees the dragon. She runs, Arthur runs to help her. Dragon swoops and catches Arthur. They both fall. Arthur grabs Gwen's hand and they run for cover. Merlin runs into the square. He sees a spear on the ground and cast a spell to throw it at the Dragon. Merlin: Fleoge... gar! Dragon glances off. Kilgharrah: Do not imagine that your petty magic can harm me! Dragon flies off. Merlin: Why are you doing this?! You're killing innocent people! [SCENE_BREAK] Castle Hospital Gwen treats Arthur's shoulder in the hospital. Gwen: You shouldn't have risked your life. Arthur: I wasn't going to let anything happen to you. She reaches to put the towel down, but Arthur catches her hand and presses it against his chest. She smiles. Gaius notices and smiles at the pair. Merlin comes into the room. Gaius: Are you hurt? Merlin: There's nothing I can do. My magic is no good. It doesn't work. Gaius: Dragons aren't monsters. They're creatures of wonder and magic. You must realise that they're immune to your powers. [SCENE_BREAK] The next morning, there are fires still burning in several places of Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle Council Room There knights and advisors with Uther. Arthur: The dead number 49 men, 27 women, a further 18 women and children are unaccounted for. Most of last night's fires are now out. The castle walls, in particular, the western section are near to collapse, I could go on. Uther: Do we have any further idea on how the beast escaped? Leon: I regret to say, Sire, we don't. Uther: There must be some way to rid ourselves of this aberration. Gaius? Gaius: We need a dragonlord, Sire. Uther: You know very well that's not an option. Gaius: Sire, what if...there was, indeed, one last dragonlord left. Uther: That's not possible Gaius: But if there was. Uther: What are you saying? Gaius: It may just be rumour. Uther: Go on. Gaius: I'm not exactly sure, but I think his name is Balinor. Uther: Balinor? Arthur: Where does he live? Gaius: He was last seen in Cenred's kingdom in the border town of Engerd, but that was many years ago. Arthur: If this man still exists, then it is our duty to find him. Uther: Our treaty with Cenred no longer holds. We are at war. If they discovered you beyond our border, they would kill you. Arthur: I will go alone. Uther: No. Arthur: That way I will not be detected. Uther: No, Arthur. It is too dangerous. Arthur: More dangerous than staying here? I'll not stand by and watch my men die when I have the chance to save them. Uther: I have given you my orders. Arthur: Do not make this a test of wills, Father. Uther: I'm not talking to you as a father; I'm talking to you as a king! Arthur: I will ride immediately. Uther: My concern is for you. Arthur: Mine is for Camelot. I will send word when I've found him. Prepare the horses. Merlin bows to Uther and follows Arthur out. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's room Merlin is packing. Merlin: Who were the dragonlords? Gaius? Merlin pulls Gaius out of his contemplative pacing. Gaius: There were once men, who could talk to the dragons, tame them. Merlin: What happened to them? Gaius: Uther believed that the art of the dragonlord was too close to magic. So he had them all rounded up and slaughtered. Merlin: But one survived. How did you know? Gaius: I helped him escape. Merlin: Gaius. Gaius: Merlin, you've never heard the name Balinor? Merlin: No. Gaius: Your mother never mentioned him? Merlin: My mother? Gaius: She took him in. Merlin: She stood up against Uther? Gaius: Yes. Merlin: She was brave. Gaius: Yes. When Uther discovered where Balinor was, he sent knights to Ealdor to hunt him down. He was forced to flee. Merlin: Why didn't my mother tell me any of this? Gaius: Merlin, I promised her I would never speak of these things. Merlin: Of what? Gaius: I've always treated you as my son, but that is not what you are. The man you are going to look for is your father. Merlin looks deeply shocked. Merlin: My father?... Gaius: Yes. Merlin: He was a dragonlord? Why did no one ever tell me?! Gaius: I wanted to. Your mother feared it would be too dangerous. Merlin: I had a right to know! Gaius: She wanted to protect you. Merlin: No. I had a right to know. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle courtyard The yard is full of smoking rubble. Gaius approaches Merlin in the Square as Merlin prepares his horse. Gaius: You got everything you need? Merlin: *nods* I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Gaius: I know that. Arthur: Come on, Merlin. Merlin: You're ready? Arthur: No thanks to you. Arthur cringes from his wound. Merlin: You okay? Arthur: It's just a scratch. Gaius: Merlin, whatever happens, you must not let Arthur know who this man is. Uther would view the son of a dragonlord with the deepest suspicion. [SCENE_BREAK] Somewhere in the woods Merlin and Arthur ride through the woods and stop at the top of a hill overlooking a village. Arthur: This is it. One more step and we're in Cenred's kingdom. This Balinor better be worth it. [SCENE_BREAK] A village Arthur and Merlin arrive in the village at night in the pouring rain. They enter a tavern and everyone stops to stare at them. Arthur: Greetings! A man pulls a knife out of a table. They sit at a table and the innkeeper slops their drinks all over the table. Arthur: We're looking for a man named Balinor. I'm willing to pay... Slaps a bag of coins in front of the innkeeper. Arthur: ...handsomely. Innkeeper nods and leans in. Innkeeper: Never heard of him. Innkeeper takes the few coins Arthur already had on the end of the table. Merlin: D'you think one of these men is Balinor? Arthur: I hope not. Merlin: So do I. [SCENE_BREAK] Inn's room Arthur and Merlin getting ready for bed in their guest chamber. Arthur: What is wrong with you today? Merlin: What? Arthur: It pains me to admit it, but I do enjoy your surly retorts. In fact, it's probably your only redeemable feature. Merlin: Thanks. Arthur: There are loads of servants who can serve. So few are capable of making a complete prat of themselves. What is it? Merlin: Nothing. Arthur: It's something. Tell me. Alright, I know I'm a prince, so we can't be friends. But if I wasn't a prince... Merlin: What? Arthur: Well, then...I think we'd probably get on. Merlin: So? Arthur: So that means can you tell me? Merlin: That's true. But you see, if you weren't a prince, I'd tell you to mind your own damn business. Arthur: Merlin! Are you missing Gaius? Merlin: Something like that. Arthur: Well, what is it, then? Arthur throws a pillow at Merlin. Merlin: I'll tell you. I'm worried about everyone back in Camelot. I hope they're alright. Arthur: So do I. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot Leon heads the knights against the dragon back in Camelot. Leon: Hold! Hold! Hold! Now! They shoot at dragon. Dragon blows fire. Knights hunch down and overlap their shields against the flames. Uther watches from his chambers. Dragon flies away. [SCENE_BREAK] Inn's room Someone sneaks into Merlin and Arthur's room and reaches for Arthur's bag. Arthur grabs the man's hand and throws him onto Merlin's bed at knifepoint. Merlin wakes. Merlin: What's going on? Arthur: Do you know what the punishment is for theft? Asgerd: No, please. I've got children to feed. Arthur: Tell me where to find Balinor. Asgerd: Balinor? Arthur: What do you know of him? Asgerd: Nothing. I... Arthur: Do you value your life? Asgerd: It's been many years since I saw him! Arthur: You know where he lives? Asgerd: You must travel through the Forest of Marendra to the foot of Feorre Mountain. There you will find the cave where Balinor dwells. Arthur releases Asgerd. Asgerd: But don't get your hopes up. Merlin: Why? Asgerd: He will not welcome you. Balinor hates everyone and everything. A cave's the best place for him. [SCENE_BREAK] In the woods Merlin and Arthur are walking their horses through the woods, Arthur stumbling a bit. Merlin notices. Arthur: It's all right. Merlin: No, it's the wound. Let me have a look. A branch snaps as Merlin's looking at Arthur's wounded shoulder. Rustling. Merlin (whisper): Get down! Get down! Merlin pulls him down to hide behind a fallen tree. Cenred's men pass by. Merlin (whisper): Arthur? *shakes him* Arthur? Arthur has passed out. Arthur is slung over his horse as Merlin guides them to Balinor's cave. Merlin leaves Arthur for a bit as he enters Balinor's cave, near a torrent . The place is dark, Merlin discovers a camp. Merlin: Hello?! Balinor grabs him from behind. Balinor: What do you want here, boy? Balinor lets him go and Merlin stares at his father. Merlin: My friend, he's sick! He needs help! Balinor: Show me, boy. Merlin keeps staring. Balinor: What are you waiting for? Fetch him! Balinor treats Arthur's wound. Balinor: Ahlúttre þá séocnes. Þurh- hæle bræd. He needs rest. Merlin: Will he be all right? Balinor: By morning. Merlin: Thank you. Merlin and Balinor are eating dinner. Merlin: Looks good. How long have you lived here? Balinor: A few winters. Merlin: Must be hard. Balinor: Why are you here? Merlin: Just travelling. We're looking for someone. I was told; well...they said that he lived somewhere hereabouts. A man named Balinor. You never heard of him? He was a dragonlord. Balinor: He's passed on. Merlin: You knew him? Balinor: Who are you?! Merlin: I'm...Merlin. Balinor: And him? He points at Arthur. Merlin: He's my master. Balinor: His name! Merlin: His name is Lancelot. He's a knight. You know a nice one. Balinor: His name is Arthur Pendragon. He is Uther's son. Merlin: Yes. Balinor: This is Cenred's kingdom. He's asking for trouble. What do you want from me? Merlin: Are you Balinor? The Great Dragon is attacking Camelot. Balinor: His name is Kilgharrah. Merlin: Well, we can't stop him. Only you, a dragonlord, can. Balinor: He doesn't act blindly. He kills for a reason. Vengeance. This is of Uther's making. Merlin: But he's killing innocent people. Women and children. Balinor: Uther pursued me! He hunted me like an animal! Merlin: I know. Balinor: What do you know about anybody's life, boy?! Uther asked me to use my power to bring the last dragon to Camelot. He said he wanted to make peace with it, but he did not! He lied to me! He betrayed me! You want me to protect this man? Merlin: I want you to protect Camelot. Balinor: He killed every one of my kind! I alone escaped! Merlin: Where did you go? Balinor: There's a place called Ealdor. Merlin: Yes. Balinor: I had a life there. A woman. A good woman. Ealdor is beyond Uther's realm, but still he pursued me. Why would he not let me be? What was it that I had done that he wanted to destroy the life I built, abandon the woman I loved? He sent knights to kill me. I was forced to come here, to this! So, I understand how Kilgharrah feels. He's lost every one of his kind, every one of his kin. You want to know how that feels? Look around, boy. Let Uther die. Let Camelot fall. Merlin: You want everyone in Camelot to die? Balinor: Why should I care? Merlin: What if one of them was your son? Balinor: I don't have a son. Merlin: And if I told you... Arthur: Merlin. Merlin... [SCENE_BREAK] The next morning. Merlin watches his father by the mouth of the cave. Arthur comes out of the cave. Arthur: I feel great! What the hell did you give me? Merlin: It was all down to Balinor. Arthur: So we found him, then? Thank heaven for that. Merlin: That doesn't mean he's willing to help. Arthur: What? Merlin: You won't persuade him. Arthur: Does he know what's at stake? Merlin: *nods* Arthur: What kind of man is he? Merlin: I don't know. I thought he'd be something more. [SCENE_BREAK] People of Camelot carry buckets of water through the lower town to put out the fires. Gwen gazes across Camelot from the battlements. Gaius joins her. Gaius: You missing Morgana? She's stronger than people think. I believe that, wherever she is, she'll be alright. Gwen: And Arthur? Gaius: You care a lot for him, don't you? Gwen: Everyone does. Gaius: I think he cares the same way about you. It's alright, I won't tell anyone. Gwen: I know we can never be. Gaius: Oh...the world's a strange place, Guinevere. Never underestimate the power of love. I've seen it change many things. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur walks back to Merlin after talking to Balinor. Merlin: What did he say? Arthur: He'll change his mind. Merlin: He said that? Arthur: Just...give him a moment. Balinor: Farewell, then. Arthur: That's your decision? Balinor: I will not help Uther. Arthur: Then the people of Camelot are damned. Balinor: So be it. Arthur: Have you no conscience?! Balinor: You should ask that question of your father! Merlin: And you are no better than him! Arthur: Don't waste your time, Merlin! Merlin: Gaius spoke of the nobility of dragonlords! Clearly he was wrong! Balinor: Gaius? Merlin: Yes. Balinor: A good man. Merlin: Yeah. I was hoping you'd be like him. Arthur: Merlin! Merlin: I wanted to... Arthur: Merlin! Merlin: Well, there's no point. [SCENE_BREAK] In the woods Arthur and Merlin ride off then set up a camp. Arthur: I always thought that silence would be a blessing with you, but I find it just as irritating. You're a riddle, Merlin. Merlin: A riddle? Arthur: Yes. But I've got to quite like you. Merlin: Yeah? Arthur: Now I realise you're not as big a fool as you look. Arthur pushes Merlin with a branch. Merlin: Yeah, I feel the same. Now that I realise you're not as arrogant as you sound. Arthur: You still think I'm arrogant? Merlin: No. More...supercilious. Arthur: That's a big word, Merlin. You sure you know what it means? Merlin: Condescending. Arthur: Very good. Merlin: Patronising. Arthur: It doesn't quite mean that. Merlin: No, these are other things you are. Arthur: Hang on! Merlin: Over bearing. Branch cracks. Arthur hears a twig snap and picks up his sword. Arthur: Shh. Merlin: Very overbearing. Arthur: Merlin! Merlin: But you wanted me to talk. Merlin hears another twig snap. Merlin picks up a sword and follows Arthur. They hear trees move behind them and turn around. Balinor: Careful, boy. I thought you might need some help. This is dangerous country. Arthur: And will you return to Camelot with us? Balinor: You were right, Merlin. There are some in Camelot who risked their lives for me. I owe a debt that must be repaid. Arthur: If you succeed in killing the dragon, you will not go unrewarded. Balinor: I seek no reward. Arthur: Great! Let's eat. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin and Balinor collect firewood. Merlin: This wood's too wet. Balinor: Don't worry. I'm sure we'll find a way to make it light. Merlin: When you healed Arthur, I heard you mumble some words. Balinor: An ancient prayer. Merlin: I thought it might've been more than that. Balinor: The Old Religion can teach us many things. Merlin: The Old Religion. Is that something you were taught? Balinor: It's not something you can learn. Either it's a part of you, or it isn't. My father knew that, and his father before him. Merlin: Were they also dragonlords? Balinor: We'll need some kindling. Merlin: You mentioned...You spoke of Ealdor. You took refuge with a woman. Balinor: That was a long time ago. Merlin: I grew up there. Balinor: Ealdor? Merlin: Yes. I know the woman. Balinor: Hunith? She's still alive? Merlin: Yes. She's my mother. Balinor: Then she married. That's good. Merlin: She never married. I'm your son. Balinor: I don't know what it is to have a son. Merlin: Or I a father. Merlin hears something snap and sees Arthur walking close by. Merlin: You must not tell Arthur. Balinor hands Merlin some firewood and they smile at one another. Arthur's asleep as Merlin and Balinor sit by the campfire, Balinor whittling some wood. Merlin: Why did you never return? Balinor: I thought her life would be better without me. Merlin: Why? Balinor: Uther wanted me dead. If he'd found me, he'd have killed me, and your mother. I wanted her to be safe. Merlin: We could've come with you. Balinor: What kind of life would you have had here? Merlin: We'd have been...happy. When we've finished in Camelot, I will take you to Ealdor. Balinor: She won't recognise me. I see her in you. Merlin: Yeah? Balinor: You have her kindness. Merlin: How did you become a dragonlord? Balinor: You don't choose to become a dragonlord. It's not something you're taught. It's a sacred gift. For thousands of years it's been handed down from father to son. And that is what you must now become, Merlin. Merlin: I would like that. Balinor: And like all dragonlords, you won't know for sure that you have that power until you face your first dragon. You should get some sleep. We've a big day ahead of us. Goodnight, Son. Merlin: Sleep well, Father. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin wakes and sees mini-dragon that his father whittled for him. He smiles. Arthur grabs him from behind, covering his mouth. Arthur (whispering): Cenred's men. Arthur draws his sword. Cenred's men attack. Merlin tosses his father a sword and takes on his own opponent. Merlin gets disarmed. Balinor rushes to his aid. Balinor: No! Balinor is run through. Merlin catches his father. Merlin: Ahhhhhh! Merlin's eyes glow and he throws the guard who just stabbed his father. Merlin lowers his dad to the ground and holds him. Balinor: Ah, I see you have your father's talent. Merlin... Merlin: Please, no. Please. I can save you. Balinor: Listen to me. When you face the dragon, remember: be strong. A dragon's heart is on its right side, not its left. Merlin: I can't do it alone. Balinor: Listen to me! Oh, my son. I've seen enough in you to know that you will make me proud. Balinor dies. Merlin: No. Father. No. Arthur shows up, sees Balinor, and throws his sword down. Arthur: NO! Merlin wipes his eyes and stands up to face Arthur. Arthur: Camelot is doomed. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot Merlin and Arthur ride back to Camelot in the rain. Soldiers spot them and rush to tell the King. Arthur and Merlin enter the Council Room. Arthur: I'm sorry, Father. I failed you. The last dragonlord is dead. Gaius looks at Merlin who tries not to cry. Gaius lowers his head. Uther: There are many years where I might've wished for that news. Arthur: All is not lost, Father. We have to fight the monster ourselves. So let us ride out and fight on our own terms: on open ground, on horseback, where we can manoeuvre better. Uther: There is no point. Arthur: So what? We stand here, watch Camelot fall. Uther: You have my blessing. Arthur: I need a dozen knights! Those who do not wish to fight can do so without stain on their character. For those brave enough to volunteer should know, the chances of returning are slim. Sir Leon's the first to step forward. Other knights step forward and form a circle around Arthur. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's room Merlin sits on his bed and cries over the dragon figurine his father made for him. Gaius enters. Gaius: Merlin, what happened? Merlin: I couldn't save him. Gaius: Merlin. Merlin: He said the dragonlord's gift is passed from father to son. Gaius: That is true. Merlin: When I faced the Great Dragon, my magic was useless. Gaius: Your father wasn't dead. It's only then you can inherit his powers. Merlin: Do you think I'm strong enough to stand up to him? Gaius: Only time will tell. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's Chambers Merlin helps Arthur put on his armour. Arthur: Well, look on the bright side, Merlin. Chances are you're not going to have to clean this again. Merlin: You must be careful today. Do not force the battle. Arthur: Yes, Sire! Merlin: I'm serious. Arthur: I can hear that. Merlin: Let matters take their course. Arthur: Merlin, if I die, please... Merlin: What? Arthur: The dragonlord today...I saw you. One thing I tell all my young knights: no man is worth your tears. Merlin: Yeah. You're certainly not. Arthur picks up a sword and Merlin does too. Arthur: What are you doing? Merlin: I'm coming with you. Arthur: Merlin, the chances are I'm going to die. Merlin: Yeah. Yeah, you probably would if I wasn't there. Arthur: Right. Merlin: Do you know how many times I've had to save your royal backside? Arthur: Well at least you got your sense of humour back. Arthur swipes Merlin's sword out of the way and heads toward the door. Merlin follows. Arthur stops. Arthur: Are you really going to face this dragon with me? Merlin: I'm not going to sit here and watch. I know it's hard for you to understand how I feel, but...well, I care a hell of a lot about that armour, I'm not going to let you mess it up. They laugh. Arthur gives Merlin a friendly hit and they exit. Gaius watches from the battlements as the dragon slayer party rides out of Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle surroundings Night time. Dragon slayer party waits for Kilgharrah in a clearing. Dragon arrives. Arthur: Hold firm. Kilgharrah swoops down. Arthur: Hold! Hold! Hold! Now! Knights circle their horses in formation to surround Kilgharrah. Kilgharrah knocks Merlin, Arthur and some other knights off of their horses with his tail. Kilgharrah roasts some other knights. Merlin: No. Stop! Kilgharrah turns toward Merlin and Arthur. Arthur picks up a spear. Kilgharrah contemplates Arthur for a moment and then tries to flambé him. Arthur rolls out of the way and stabs Kilgharrah in the side. Kilgharrah roars and knocks Arthur out. Merlin gets up. Balinor (voiceover): You're the last dragonlord now. You alone carry the ancient gift. Deep within yourself, you must find the voice that you and Kilgharrah share, for your soul and his are brothers. When you speak to him as kin, he must obey your will. Merlin: Dracan! Nán dyd ǽlc áciere miss! Eftsíðas eom ála cræt! Géate' stǽr ábære gárrǽs! Géate cyre. Mé tácen átende diegollice. Car grise áþes. Kilgharrah settles back and bows to Merlin. Merlin picks up the spear. Kilgharrah: I am the last of my kind, Merlin. Whatever wrongs I have done, do not make me responsible for the death of my noble breed. Merlin thrusts the spear into the air and Kilgharrah winces. Merlin: Go! Leave! If you ever attack Camelot again, I will kill you! Kilgharrah bows. Merlin drops the spear. Merlin: I have shown you mercy! Now you must do the same to others! Kilgharrah: Young warlock, what you have shown is what you will be. I will not forget your clemency. I'm sure our paths will cross again. Kilgharrah flies off. Arthur wakes. Arthur: What happened? Merlin: You dealt him a mortal blow. Arthur: He's gone? Merlin: Yeah. You did it. Arthur: Ha! Ha! Ha! *insane laughter* Merlin: You did it. Arthur and Merlin head for the drawbridge. Uther sees them from his window, sighs in relief and leaves. Gwen and Gaius come to meet them. Gwen runs to Arthur and hugs him. Gwen (whisper): I thought I'd lost you. Gaius and Merlin hug. Gaius: My boy. Arthur and Gwen leave. Merlin: I felt him there with me, Gaius. Gaius: He'll always be with you. Merlin: I hope so. Gaius: Merlin, I know I can never compare with your father, but for what it's worth, you've still got me. Merlin: Well, I suppose I'll just have to make do. Gaius laughs. 'MERLIN WILL RETURN' - Closing Credits -
Plan: A: The Great Dragon; Q: Who is finally free? A: rage; Q: What emotion is the Great Dragon full of? A: The castle; Q: What is crumbling under the attack of the Great Dragon? A: Arthur's men; Q: Who cannot hold out much longer? A: Arthur; Q: Who is the leader of the Camelot men? A: Dragonlord; Q: What is the name of the man who can kill a dragon? A: Gaius; Q: Who admits one Dragonlord could still be alive and hiding? A: The last Dragonlord; Q: Who is the key to Merlin's past? A: Balinor; Q: Who is the last Dragonlord? A: the kingdom; Q: What is Arthur and Merlin trying to save? Summary: The Great Dragon is finally free. Full of rage, he attacks Camelot with pitiless intensity. The castle is crumbling and Arthur's men cannot hold out much longer but only a Dragonlord can kill a dragon and Utherwiped them all out years ago. Or did he? Gaius admits one such man could still be alive and in hiding. The last Dragonlord is the key to Merlin's own past as well as the future of Camelot, but will Arthur and Merlin find Balinor in time to save the kingdom?
TIME-FLIGHT BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part Three Running time: 24:29 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: So you escaped from Castrovalva. I should have guessed. MASTER: As gullible as ever, my dear Doctor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Magic, as in lantern. A scooby doobian performance. Sophisticated and terrifying, I do not dispute. MASTER: How you love the company of fools. ROGER SCOBIE: Hold on a moment. This crystal, there's no connection, no radio link. DOCTOR: The crystal is simply a point of focus. The communication is purely telepathic. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Then what's all this equipment for? DOCTOR: What indeed? These components are from your TARDIS! You're stranded here! The time contour you generated was a desperate lifeline to the future. It accidentally converged with Concorde. MASTER: You are right Doctor. I need your TARDIS to penetrate the sanctum. DOCTOR: For a new source of power, I think you're too late. It seems to have expended itself. MASTER: The recuperation will be swift. Your companions have entered the sanctum. They have disturbed the nueronic nucleus. But they will pay for the incursion with their lives. ANDREW BILTON: Nysser and Tegan dead? DOCTOR: Though as likely to have been protected as been destroyed. The power works against you as well as for you. MASTER: I shall soon have total control of the force. The TARDIS key Doctor. DOCTOR: No, relax, please, gentlemen, the Master will eliminate you without a second thought. MASTER: Very wise Doctor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Good heavens, that's never the TARDIS! MASTER: Unfortunately it is, so typical for the Doctor's predilection for the third rate. But it will serve my purpose. PROFESSOR HAYTER: What does the man want with an obsolete metropolitan... (The TARDIS dematerializes.) ROGER SCOBIE: Oh no! PROFESSOR HAYTER: Were hallucinating again. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Is that how you travel, Doctor? DOCTOR: Not exactly the first class end of the market, but serviceable vehicle Captain. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Some kind of miasma. DOCTOR: I do not wish to believe therefore I hallucinate, is that the philosophy of Darlington men Professor? PROFESSOR HAYTER: What I've just seen is not possible. DOCTOR: Well, try telling that to Tegan and Nyssa when the Master Materializes in the sanctum. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Have you any idea where the sanctum is? ANDREW BILTON: What about behind that wall, where the passengers were working. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Could be. ROGER SCOBIE: Well if it is how did the girls get in there? DOCTOR: Well the power source is unstable. Sometimes it works for the Master, sometimes against. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But why? DOCTOR: I don't know, but I intend to find out. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Right, let's go. DOCTOR: Uh nono, just the Professor and myself. ROGER SCOBIE: You'll need all the help you can get. DOCTOR: You've seen the hallucinogenic effects the power source can have, the closer you get the stronger it is. You wouldn't be able to resist. ANDREW BILTON: The Professor is the same as us. DOCTOR: The Professor has shown stronger resistance than most. By the way, if the Master turns up again don't be surprised. It may take him a little time to discover I left the coordinate override switched in. Ready? [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the sanctum Tegan and Nyssa lie unconscious on the floor. In the tunnels with the Doctor and Hayter.) DOCTOR: The Master was so desperate to penetrate the sanctum he resorted to brute force. PROFESSOR HAYTER: My fellow passengers? DOCTOR: Exactly. PROFESSOR HAYTER: I'll say one thing Doctor. For some of them it will be the first days honest work they've done in their lives. (They wander a bit more.) DOCTOR: Let's hope they still have enough strength left to break down the wall for us. (Now they enter the room wherein sits the sanctum shell. At least that room has some light.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: How long before the power returns? DOCTOR: I don't know. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Doctor, they've stopped hallucinating. DOCTOR: That's not necessarily a good thing. PROFESSOR HAYTER: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Are you any good at explanations? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Oh, yes I take your point. ANGELA CLIFFORD: It is Professor Hayter? PROFESSOR HAYTER: That's correct. ANGELA CLIFFORD: Thank goodness for a friendly face. I'm Angela Clifford. PROFESSOR HAYTER: This is the Doctor. He's here to help us. DOCTOR: Are your passengers unharmed? ANGELA CLIFFORD: Those I've seen are. Do you know where we are? DOCTOR: uh.. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Not exactly. ANGELA CLIFFORD: Do you know what happened to Captain Urquhart and the rest of the crew? PROFESSOR HAYTER: My dear young lady, it's no good asking me. The Doctor's the expert here. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to Kalid's chamber.) ROGER SCOBIE: In all my years as a flight engineer I have never seen anything... ANDREW BILTON: Listen! (The TARDIS rematerializes. The boys hide. The Master emerges from the) (TARDIS and walks over to his console.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I've got an idea. Roger you wait here for the Doctor. Andrew come with me. (They sneak over to the TARDIS and go inside. Their reaction is typical for humans.) ANDREW BILTON: It's not possible! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Quickly Andrew! ANDREW BILTON: You're never going to try and take-off! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Of course not, but somewhere here there must be a control for these doors. ANDREW BILTON: Oh I wouldn't have thought it was that. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: No. ANDREW BILTON: So we lock the Master out of the TARDIS? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well maybe not out of the TARDIS, but we should be able to keep him off this flight deck. Always assuming this is the flight deck. Well, here goes. ANDREW BILTON: I hope you know what you're doing. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I haven't the foggiest. (He operates a switch and the scanner screen opens showing the Master at his Kalidoscope) Ah, that's more like it. Now if we can hold up the Master long enough for the Doctor to get through to Nyssa and Tegan. ANDREW BILTON: Captain! (They see the Master heading back toward the TARDIS. Together they make a dash for the inner door. The Master comes in and places a component from the Kalidoscope inside the console chassis.) ANDREW BILTON: He's going to try to take-off again, we've got to get out of here! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We'll stay where we are. The TARDIS is our only link with the twentieth century. Where it goes we go. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in shellville.) ANGELA CLIFFORD: Now you heard what the Doctor said, we've got to get through this wall. Now you people stay here and the rest of you come with me. (She leads her group around the edge of the shell where they start attacking it with pryin' bars and such.) ANGELA CLIFFORD: Do you really think the rest of the crew are all right? DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sure of it. Either they've been pressed into other work or they're locked up safely out of harm's way. ANGELA CLIFFORD: It's incredible. We were doing this without realizing it! PROFESSOR HAYTER: Certainly. ANGELA CLIFFORD: What sort of power could do that to us? PROFESSOR HAYTER: We won't know that until we get to the other side of that wall. ANGELA CLIFFORD: But won't that be dangerous? What if the force returns? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Fight it. It's perfectly possible. ANGELA CLIFFORD: How? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Focus your mind on something your very sure of. Your family, fish and chips. Concentrate on that one thought, to keep the dream images out, all right. Now come on everybody, we haven't got much time. We're getting there Doctor. Doctor? (Hayter spots the Doctor standing staring at a Roman column and goes over to him.) DOCTOR: The Master's TARDIS. PROFESSOR HAYTER: A pillar? DOCTOR: Of course, that's where he's hidden the other passengers. PROFESSOR HAYTER: It's not big enough. DOCTOR: There's something else we need to explain later. PROFESSOR HAYTER: This revolutionizes the whole concept of relative dimension. Doctor, if only I were a younger man and had the time to make use of your knowledge. DOCTOR: Time, yes that's another thing. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the Doctor's TARDIS the Master is completing his installation of the extra component while Bilton and Stapley watch from inside. He closes the doors.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to outside the sanctum where the passengers are working.) DOCTOR: What's this? I want to see where this goes! PROFESSOR HAYTER: Doctor! DOCTOR: An induction loop. So that's how he generated the time contour. Don't you see what this means? PROFESSOR HAYTER: I certainly do not. DOCTOR: He's already harnessing the power in the loop! In the chamber! In the sanctum! PROFESSOR HAYTER: But Doctor, aren't we going into this TARDIS thing? DOCTOR: This wall is much more important, Tegan and Nyssa are behind it! [SCENE_BREAK] (In the Doctor's TARDIS the MASTER attempts a takeoff. The column lights up and moves, but then the movement stops and the light dies. The Master doesn't look too happy.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Engine trouble. ANDREW BILTON: That's a bit of luck. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I'm not so sure, if it's a fault in the TARDIS we could be marooned in this wilderness forever. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back by the sanctum shell they've succeeded in removing a panel. The) (Doctor is about to climb inside.) ANGELA CLIFFORD: Be careful now. DOCTOR: Now, you don't have to come in if you don't want to. PROFESSOR HAYTER: I'll learn nothing waiting for you here. DOCTOR: Good man, the rest of you ah ... stay here. (The Doctor and the Professor enter the giant Ronco juicer. The Doctor first bends to tend to Nyssa and Tegan who are regaining consciousness. Slowly they awaken.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: How are they? DOCTOR: They're just stunned. TEGAN: Doctor. DOCTOR: Are you all right? TEGAN: I think so. There was an explosion. Ooh my head aches. DOCTOR: You rest awhile. NYSSA: They willed us to come here. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Who are they? DOCTOR: Look in the sarcophagus, Professor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: It's alive. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber the TARDIS rematerializes sickly as Scobie watches. Once it solidifies again, Scobie dashes off to hide. Inside, the Master furiously slaps the door control and strides out.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Keep your eye on the screen Andrew. (Stapley crawls under the console and begins removing things.) ANDREW BILTON: What are you doing? (He pulls a few cards out of the console and hands them up.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: A trouble shared is a trouble doubled. I only hope the Doctor knows how to put all this back. ANDREW BILTON: Sabotage. [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the sanctum.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: (Laughs) PROFESSOR HAYTER: What is it? DOCTOR: An immeasurable intelligence at the center of a psychic vortex. All seeing, all knowing. PROFESSOR HAYTER: I've certainly never seen a living organism like this before. NYSSA: Why did it want me to destroy it? DOCTOR: It didn't. That's why it deflected your attack. TEGAN: That explosion? DOCTOR: A massive burst of psycho-kinetic energy. PROFESSOR HAYTER: That must be when the creature evaporated. DOCTOR: The power diverted to defend itself. PROFESSOR HAYTER: But why, work against itself? NYSSA: Two aspects of the same personality, the good and the bad. DOCTOR: Jekyll and Hyde. TEGAN: But why should half the creature want to attack us anyway? DOCTOR: Oh, not the creature itself, the power was being used by the Master. NYSSA: The Master's here? TEGAN: Well at least we've got half the force on our side. NYSSA: Perhaps more, the power that led us here was very strong. PROFESSOR HAYTER: How did you get in? TEGAN: Well the wall just opened. DOCTOR: Part of the benign intelligence must have triggered a hidden mechanism. TEGAN: Is that what happened to you? DOCTOR: We had to force our way in. TEGAN: Where? (He indicates the wall where they climbed in, but the wall has been sealed up again.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: The blocks have been put back. We're trapped! [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the TARDIS.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: That should put paid to any plans the Master has to take-off in this! ANDREW BILTON: I thought after the Concorde you could fly anything, but I can't make head nor tail of this. MASTER: I'm sorry the Doctor's not here to explain the controls. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well you seem to be having a little difficulty with TARDIS yourself. MASTER: It's no longer important to me. (He crawls underneath and grabs a few things.) I now have all that I require. The TARDIS, for what it's worth, is yours. Eheheheheheheh. Bon voyage, gentleman. (The Master exits and then the TARDIS dematerializes as Scobie watches. In the sanctum.) TEGAN: I don't understand it, the entire wall's solid. DOCTOR: The power must be returning. TEGAN: But if you physically broke through... DOCTOR: Well someone filled in the hole. TEGAN: The passengers, Why? DOCTOR: Whatever part of the intelligence that is now controlling them wants us walled up in here. TEGAN: We are trapped? DOCTOR: Until the Master turns up with the TARDIS. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Doctor, come look at this, it's some sort of figurine. There's another one, and another. Could they be some sort of votive offering? In which case, this chamber might have some religious significance. DOCTOR: The Xeraphin. PROFESSOR HAYTER: You've seen one of these before? DOCTOR: A legendary race long since extinct. NYSSA: Xeraphin? DOCTOR: They're supposed to have lived on the planet Xerophas before it was devastated by crossfire in the Vardon-Kosnax war. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Oh Doctor, please, on top of everything else not little green men from outer space. DOCTOR: There's nothing green about the Xeraphin I assure you. Highly developed creatures, beings of immense mental power. TEGAN: Doesn't it remind you of something? NYSSA: The work of a tissue compression eliminator. PROFESSOR HAYTER: What are you talking about? TEGAN: Well its a little toy of the Master's. DOCTOR: It's the weapon I warned you against. If the Master used it on you, you'd end up just like this. He must have come out of the casket. PROFESSOR HAYTER: But the thing in there is alive. And there's only one organism. DOCTOR: No wonder the animus is so strong! Apart from the Master's victims, the entire race of the Xeraphin is in this sarcophagus. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the TARDIS.) ANDREW BILTON: So much for sabotage. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I thought I tampered with enough bits and pieces to ground anything. ANDREW BILTON: Captain! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: That's the citadel. ANDREW BILTON: If that's the case, the TARDIS has turned into a helicopter. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber Roger Scobie wanders about, then ventures into the corridor.) ROGER SCOBIE: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the sanctum the Master walks purposefully toward his TARDIS. Inside the sanctum.) DOCTOR: The whole race physically amalgamated into one organism with one immense personality. That's why the Master came here, that's why he laid this loop around the chamber. He wants this at the center of his TARDIS. NYSSA: Why? DOCTOR: Must have exhausted his own dynamorphic generator. NYSSA: Of course, the nucleus is the perfect substitute. DOCTOR: And infinitely more powerful. NYSSA: The power is returning. Can't you feel it? DOCTOR: We must find a way out of here. (Nyssa steps up to the IKEA furniture and takes on a calm demeanor.) NYSSA: Don't be afraid, Doctor. DOCTOR: No. Nyssa you'll be absorbed! NYSSA: The Xeraphin is calling us. The Xeraphin is very close. DOCTOR: No, stop! Nyssa! Talk to me, explain it to me! NYSSA: The Xeraphin contains the wisdom of the universe. Without the knowledge you can't escape from the sanctum. DOCTOR: But the knowledge will consume you! NYSSA: The sacrifice is required for your survival Doctor and the future of the Xeraphin. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Stop, I shall talk to the Xeraphin. DOCTOR: No, Professor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: I'm a scientist, Doctor. The chance of inheriting the wisdom of all the universe is an opportunity I cannot ignore. DOCTOR: It will destroy you, you don't understand what you're doing! PROFESSOR HAYTER: Precisely Doctor. But soon, I shall know everything. NYSSA: The Xeraphin welcomes you Professor! DOCTOR: Professor Hayter, get back from there! (Tegan grabs Nyssa's outstretched hand and yanks her to safety. Hayter continues walking forward into the light. Something grips him and starts to really hurt a lot.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: (Screams a lot.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the corridors Scobie is wandering.) ANGELA CLIFFORD: Roger? ROGER SCOBIE: Angela! Are you all right? ANGELA CLIFFORD: I can't resist for much longer! ROGER SCOBIE: What are you talking about? ANGELA CLIFFORD: The dream world, Professor Hayter explained. ROGER SCOBIE: Are you still hallucinating? ANGELA CLIFFORD: I'm trying to fight it, I feel so tired. Help me Roger, I can't always control the illusions! ROGER SCOBIE: Angela don't give up now, you mustn't let go of your mind. ANGELA CLIFFORD: The Professor said to ... to think of something real. ROGER SCOBIE: Think of it then just don't let them take you over. ANGELA CLIFFORD: I don't see how you can resist so easily. ROGER SCOBIE: The Doctor destroyed the illusion as soon as we landed. ANGELA CLIFFORD: The Doctor. ROGER SCOBIE: Was the Doctor with you? ANGELA CLIFFORD: Yes! The Doctor! ROGER SCOBIE: Did he break through into the sanctum? ANGELA CLIFFORD: Yes! We broke through the wall! ROGER SCOBIE: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the TARDIS Stapley removes his coat.) ANDREW BILTON: We must be in a perpetual holding pattern. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I'm gonna have a go at flying this thing. ANDREW BILTON: Are you sure? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What other chance have we got? ANDREW BILTON: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the sanctum.) ANGELA CLIFFORD: Roger! ROGER SCOBIE: Where did you break through? ANGELA CLIFFORD: Somewhere along here. ROGER SCOBIE: Well this can't be it. ANGELA CLIFFORD: The power returned. They sealed up the wall again. ROGER SCOBIE: You mean the Doctor's behind this lot? ANGELA CLIFFORD: I tried to stop them! ROGER SCOBIE: We've got to get him out here. He's our only link with the real world! Come on! ANGELA CLIFFORD: Roger ... [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the sanctum.) DOCTOR: The molecular structure has completely broken up. NYSSA: He's become a plasmaton. DOCTOR: I think the Xeraphin is trying to materialize. (Over in the light, a brainiac creature appears.) ANITHON: I am Anithon, of the race of the Xeraphin. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the sanctum.) ROGER SCOBIE: It's no good, we'll have to find some tools. Angela... (Angela wanders off and encounters the Master.) MASTER: Go into my TARDIS. I am the Master, you will obey me. (She does as he says. Scobie watches just out of sight. Inside the sanctum.) ANITHON: I come in this shape, as ambassador of our people. DOCTOR: What are the Xeraphin doing on earth Anithon? ANITHON: Our homeland was laid waste, by barbarians. So we traveled to this deserted planet, to build a new home for our people. TEGAN: That explains the spaceship we saw. ANITHON: But the sickness followed us. DOCTOR: Radiation poisoning. ANITHON: Using our psychic power we melded into a unity. DOCTOR: You achieved the absorption of a whole race into a single bioplasmic body? ANITHON: Yes, Doctor. In that shape we planned to rest until the contamination had passed. Then we could regenerate. DOCTOR: What went wrong? ANITHON: At the moment of regeneration, the Time Lord came, seeking our power. DOCTOR: The Master. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside the sanctum, the Master attaches some sort of device to the sanctum wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back inside.) ANITHON: Those that were first reborn were destroyed. DOCTOR: We've seen their remains. ANITHON: We were forced to retreat to our resting place. DOCTOR: How did the Master gain so much control over your psychic power? ANITHON: Through the projection of his mind. He communicated with our baseness. DOCTOR: But surely there is more good than evil in the Xeraphin. And the good is controlling the power that helped Tegan and Nysser and is still resisting the Master. ANITHON: This magic affected the Time Lord's intervention. We are infinitely divided! (Something is happening to him.) Listen carefully ... together we can secure the safety of your friends, and yourself, and the regeneration of our race. DOCTOR: We have to deal with the Master first. ANITHON: Just listen, I will explain! Aaaaaah! (He splits into two.) ZARAK: I am Zarak, of the race of the Xeraphin. (The Master continues messing around with his old canister vacuum. Back inside.) ZARAK: My brother has misled you Doctor, we need no help. The Xeraphin has a new destiny. ANITHON: No Zarak, the ambition of the Time Lord will destroy our race. ZARAK: In order to be born, we all must die. The new order of the Xeraphin has begun. ANITHON: No, Zarak. ZARAK: We are in the new power. The force that binds and shapes us shall be feared and adored. Nations will prostrate themselves before us. We shall be divinity. DOCTOR: Zarak, that's just a dream. The Master will use the power for his own evil purposes. He'll never allow you to regenerate. ANITHON: Zarak, do you not yearn for shape and touch and feeling. My brother, our true destiny is the becoming of ourselves. All our power must be combined to work with the Doctor against the rebel Time Lord. NYSSA: I think we're winning. TEGAN: Winning what for heavens sake? DOCTOR: The argument of course, the debate between black and white Xeraphin. Whichever Xeraphin wins will control the combined power. NYSSA: For good or for evil. ZARAK: You've talked me out of my purpose, brother Anithon. But other councils will prevail. ANITHON: That is forbidden. ZARAK: In the new order nothing is forbidden. ANITHON: No! ZARAK: Come forth, Kalistoran! Come forth, Vaan! TEGAN: What's happening now? DOCTOR: Zarak is summoning the evil Xeraphin. ZARAK: Come to me Mordaal. ANITHON: Help me Doctor. DOCTOR: How can we help you? NYSSA: With our minds, we must will the dark Xeraphin not to appear. (The three step forward and point their hands at the IKEA furniture. Back outside the Master continues working with his stuff. He plugs) (vacuum hoses into the thingamathing.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back inside things are hotting up.) TEGAN: I can't keep this up much longer. DOCTOR: We must! (Zarak gets a groovy wavy halo around him which then disappears. The Doctor, Nyssa and Tegan are released from their hand-pointing task and fall backward away from the IKEA.) ANITHON: Zarak, embrace again the eternal truth of the Xeraphin. ZARAK: Too late my brother. The Master is ready for us. (They disappear.) DOCTOR: The Master's perfected the induction loop! (The furniture disappears leaving the sanctum empty.) TEGAN: What's happened to the Xeraphin? NYSSA: Transferred to the center of the Master's TARDIS. TEGAN: What does that mean? DOCTOR: It means the Master has finally defeated me.
Plan: A: The Master; Q: Who commandeers the Doctor's Tardis? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is left behind to figure out what the alien artifact is? A: the Doctors Tardis; Q: What does the Master commandeer? Summary: The Master commandeers the Doctors Tardis, leaving the Doctor behind to figure out what the alien artifact is.
Originally written by Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO SCENE: A THEATRE (THE GANG ARE IN THE AUDIENCE WAITING FOR A PLAY OF JOEY'S TO START) RACHEL: (READING THE PROGRAMME) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting! CHANDLER: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom... PHOEBE: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (GESTURING) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud! (THE LIGHTS DIM) ROSS: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen. (LIGHTS GO UP ON THE STAGE: JOEY (AS FREUD) TALKING TO A FEMALE PATIENT) JOEY: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (GOES INTO A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... (INTRO) SCENE 1: THE THEATRE (JUST AFTER THE PLAY; EVERYONE IS APPLAUDING) (AS SOON AS THE CAST HAS LEFT THE GANG ALL GROAN AND SIT DOWN HEAVILY) RACHEL: God. I feel violated. MONICA: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do? CHANDLER: (STARING AT A WOMAN ACROSS THE ROOM) Ross, ten o'clock. ROSS: Is it? Feels like two. CHANDLER: No, ten o'clock. ROSS: What? CHANDLER: (SIGHS AND GESTURES TO EXPLAIN) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock! ROSS: Oh. Hel-lo! CHANDLER: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men! MONICA: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone. CHANDLER: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' RACHEL: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it! CHANDLER: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here. ROSS: He could never get a woman like that in a million years. CHANDLER: Thank you, buddy. PHOEBE: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys. MONICA: You could do that! CHANDLER: Y'think? ALL: Yeah! CHANDLER: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue... ROSS: C'mon! C'mon! CHANDLER: Here goes. (HE WALKS OVER TO HER BUT JUST STANDS THERE) AURORA: ...Yes? CHANDLER: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh... (CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY)...hi. AURORA: Yes, you said that. CHANDLER: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (WALKS BACK TO THE OTHERS BUT SHE CALLS HIM BACK) AURORA: Chandler? (ENTER JOEY FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN. THE OTHERS ALL TALK AT ONCE) ALL: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard! JOEY: Whadja think? (PAUSE) ALL: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard! JOEY: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head. ALL: (ADMITTING) Saw your head. Saw your head. CHANDLER: (RUNNING BACK) She said yes!! She said yes!! (TO JOEY) Awful play, man. Whoah. (TO ALL) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (TO JOEY) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (FISHES A CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET) RACHEL: What is it? JOEY: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me! PHOEBE: Based on this play? ...Based on this play! SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK (ENTER CHANDLER; EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY THERE) CHANDLER: Hey, kids. ALL: Hey. PHOEBE: (READING MONICA'S PALM) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line. CHANDLER: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went. MONICA: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'? CHANDLER: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army... (FLASHBACK OF AURORA AND CHANDLER ON THEIR DATE IN CENTRAL PERK [denoted by italics]) AURORA: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories. CHANDLER: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it. CHANDLER: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less. AURORA: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon. CHANDLER: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is? AURORA: 'We' would be me and Rick. JOEY: Who's Rick? CHANDLER: Who's Rick? AURORA: My husband. ALL: Ooooohhh. CHANDLER: Oh, so you're divorced? AURORA: No. CHANDLER: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully? AURORA: No, I'm still married. CHANDLER: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket? AURORA: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan. CHANDLER: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan? AURORA: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend. ALL: What?! CHANDLER: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend? AURORA: I suppose mainly sexual. CHANDLER: ...Hm. MONICA: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out. CHANDLER: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story? MONICA: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this? CHANDLER: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the s*x; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy! PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy? ROSS: No, of course not! (THINKS) ...Yeah, yeah, it is. MONICA: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else? JOEY: I couldn't do it. MONICA: Good for you, Joey. JOEY: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is. ROSS: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking- (THEY ALL PRETEND TO FALL ASLEEP) ROSS: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know. MONICA: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us! ALL: Yeah! C'mon! ROSS: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey- (THEY ALL FALL ASLEEP AGAIN) SCENE 3: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (RACHEL IS THERE; ENTER ALL BUT JOEY) RACHEL: Tah-daaah! CHANDLER: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that. RACHEL: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for. ROSS: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask. RACHEL: Well, whaddya think? ALL: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific! MONICA: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman. ALL: Uh-oh... MONICA: How-how did that happen? RACHEL: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. MONICA: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (MOVES IT) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while. PHOEBE: (TO RACHEL) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman. CHANDLER: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out. MONICA: You guys, I am not that bad! PHOEBE: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (PSYCHO) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! MONICA: That is so unfair! ROSS: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy! MONICA: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook. ROSS: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. MONICA: Why not? ROSS: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice. MONICA: I could do that. RACHEL: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout. MONICA: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder. CHANDLER: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood... MONICA: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I? ROSS: Monica? You're Mom. (MONICA GASPS) PHOEBE: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! (ENTER JOEY ON THE PHONE) JOEY: Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (TO ALL) That was my agent. (TOSSES AND CATCHES PHONE) My agent has just gotten me a job- in the new Al Pacino movie! ALL: Oh my God! Whoah! MONICA: Well, what's the part? JOEY: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! 'I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!' PHOEBE: Seriously, what-what's the part? JOEY: 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!' ROSS: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part? JOEY: ...I'm his (MUMBLES) RACHEL: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what? JOEY: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. MONICA: (TRYING NOT TO LAUGH) Oh my God. JOEY: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! CHANDLER: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness. JOEY: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! ROSS: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? (AD BREAK) SCENE 4: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (MORNING) (MONICA IS GETTING THE DOOR) MONICA: Alright, alright, alright... (ENTER JOEY WITH MONICA'S PAPER- HE GIVES IT TO HER) JOEY: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer. MONICA: For what? JOEY: Whaddya think? Today's the big day! MONICA: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there. JOEY: Thank you! (GOES OFF TO THE BATHROOM) (ENTER CHANDLER WITH A PHONE) CHANDLER: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone. MONICA: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there! CHANDLER: C'mon, we're roommates! (HE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM, SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT) My eyes!! My eyes!! MONICA: I warned you... (ENTER RACHEL FROM HER ROOM) RACHEL: Who is being loud? CHANDLER: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast. MONICA: Oh, you got the whole night, huh? CHANDLER: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (HE STARTS TO RAID THE FRIDGE) RACHEL: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment? CHANDLER: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (HE HAS ARMLOADS OF STUFF) MONICA: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that. (SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND HE LEAVES) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 5: FILM SET (JOEY IS ENTERING FOR HIS SCENE) DIRECTOR: (TO PHONE)...Dammit, hire the girl! (PUTS DOWN PHONE) Okay, everybody ready? JOEY: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity. DIRECTOR: Lose the robe. JOEY: Me? DIRECTOR: That would work. JOEY: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (TAKES IT OFF) And the robe is lost. DIRECTOR: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (SHOWER STARTS).. and... action. (JOEY STARTS TO SHOWER WITH A GRIM, DETERMINED LOOK ON HIS FACE) DIRECTOR: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing? JOEY: Well, I'm- I'm showering. DIRECTOR: No, that was clenching. JOEY: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here. DIRECTOR: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that? JOEY: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask... SCENE 6: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S (AURORA AND CHANDLER ARE IN BED IN CHANDLER'S ROOM) CHANDLER: God, I love these fingers... AURORA: Thank you. CHANDLER: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are. AURORA: (MOVES CHANDLER'S ARM AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Oh my God, I'm late. (STARTS TO GET UP) CHANDLER: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (KISSES HER AND PULLS HER BACK DOWN) AURORA: Okay. CHANDLER: Don't go. AURORA: Okay. Oh no, I have to. CHANDLER: (TO HIMSELF) Too bad, she's leaving. AURORA: (GETS UP AND DRESSES) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me. CHANDLER: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick. AURORA: It's not Rick. CHANDLER: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you! AURORA: No, it's-it's Andrew. CHANDLER: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is? AURORA: He's... new. CHANDLER: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? AURORA: No, that's not exactly what I was.. CHANDLER: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us. AURORA: So what do you want? CHANDLER: You. AURORA: You have me! CHANDLER: Nono, just you. AURORA: Whaddyou mean? CHANDLER: Lose the other guys. AURORA: ...Like, ...all of them? CHANDLER: C'mon, we're great together, why not? AURORA: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too. CHANDLER: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!' AURORA: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to? CHANDLER: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish... AURORA: Which one? CHANDLER: ...The second guy. AURORA: (GETS UP TO LEAVE) Well, call me if you change your mind. (SHE KISSES HIM. HE HOLDS HER AND KISSES HER PASSIONATELY) CHANDLER: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips. (SHE LEAVES. CHANDLER SIGHS AND FALLS BACK ON HIS BED) SCENE 7: RACHEL AND MONICA'S (ROSS IS TRYING TO COMFORT CHANDLER. JOEY IS ABSENT) ROSS: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again? (ENTER JOEY) ALL: Hey! MONICA: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? JOEY: Nope. ROSS: No? What happened, big guy? CHANDLER: (TO ROSS) 'Big guy'? ROSS: It felt like a 'big guy' moment. JOEY: I got fired. ALL: Oh! JOEY: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and- RACHEL: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell. JOEY: My mom will. CHANDLER: Something so sweet and... disturbing about that. JOEY: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it! MONICA: Maybe this wasn't your shot. ROSS: Yeah, I mean- I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it- feel like your shot..? JOEY: Hard to tell, I was naked. PHOEBE: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'. JOEY: Yeah? That's so nice! (THEY HUG) (ROSS AND CHANDLER LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND HUG AS WELL) MONICA: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys. ALL: Night. RACHEL: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here? MONICA: (DETERMINED) Uh-huh! RACHEL: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner? MONICA: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (GOES TO HER ROOM) ROSS: She is a kook. (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: MONICA IN BED (SHE IS WIDE AWAKE) MONICA: (HUMS FOR A WHILE, THEN GIVES UP.) (VOICEOVER) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (BURIES HER HEAD IN HER PILLOW)
Plan: A: Sofia Milos; Q: Who played Aurora? A: another boyfriend; Q: What does Aurora have? A: a polyamorous relationship; Q: What type of relationship is Chandler initially fine with? A: yet another lover; Q: What is Chandler unable to handle being added to the mix? A: Joey; Q: Whose new talent agent gets him a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt double? A: a film role; Q: What does Joey get from Estelle Leonard? A: Rachel; Q: Who cleans the apartment? A: the apartment; Q: What does Rachel clean that triggers Monica's OCD? A: Monica's obsessive-compulsive tendencies; Q: What does Rachel trigger after moving furniture around? Summary: Chandler dates Aurora ( Sofia Milos ), a beautiful, exotic woman that he soon learns is married and has another boyfriend. Chandler is initially fine having a polyamorous relationship, but is unable to handle yet another lover being added to the mix. Joey's new talent agent, Estelle Leonard, gets him a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt double. However, he is fired because he "overacts" with it. Rachel cleans the apartment, but triggers Monica's obsessive-compulsive tendencies after moving some furniture around.
THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN by MERVYN HAISMAN and HENRY LINCOLN first broadcast - 7th October 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. CAVE (JAMIE runs back into the cave.) JAMIE: Keep back, Victoria! I can't stop it! (He knocks one of the wooden beams which shakes and causes the roof to shake.) VICTORIA: Jamie, the roof. (JAMIE grabs a stone and starts to knock the beam with the stone.) VICTORIA: What are you doing? JAMIE: We've got to stop that thing somehow! VICTORIA: You'll bury us alive! JAMIE: It's our only chance! Now get back! (The beam prop out of place to bring part of the roof down on the pursuing Yeti, burying it under rubble. Dusting themselves off, the two stand up after JAMIE shielded VICTORIA from the rubble. They both stare at the claw that poke out of the rubble.) JAMIE: You all right? VICTORIA: That horrible thing. What was it? JAMIE: I don't know. Did you see what it did to my sword though? Broke it like it was a piece of wood. No human's as strong as that. VICTORIA: What is this place? (She turns to the collection of spheres at the back of the cave.) VICTORIA: And what are those? JAMIE: Some sort of metal? They're all glowing. VICTORIA: Oh, let's get away from here, Jamie. (JAMIE picks up a sphere from the collection and puts it in his satchel that he has on him.) JAMIE: Aye, if we can. I don't think that tunnel's completely blocked. Come on. Oh, don't worry about that, it's quite dead. (They pass the rubble covering the Yeti and move towards the entrance of the cave. Behind them, the claw starts to move...) VICTORIA: (Staring at the claw.) Eah! JAMIE: What's the matter? VICTORIA: Look! (The Yeti starts to climb out of the rubble.) JAMIE: Come on! (They both run off with the Yeti once again in pursuit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. CELL (Alone in his cell, the DOCTOR practices "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on his recorder. He jumps up when THOMNI enters the cell.) THOMNI: Come. DOCTOR: Oh, and about time too. Come to release me, have you? THOMNI: No, sir. DOCTOR: Oh. Oh well, first things first. What's your name? THOMNI: Thomni. You must come with me. DOCTOR: Oh, I see, Thomni. After we've had a little chat. (He sits down on the straw.) THOMNI: Khrisong will be waiting! DOCTOR: No, no! Just wait. No one seems to want to listen to me and everyone is jumping to the wrong conclusions. Now you seem to be a reasonable sort of chap. What's going on here? THOMNI: We are besieged. The Yeti have turned upon us. At least that is what we thought until... DOCTOR: Until I turned up. I see. Every time I visit Detsen the monastery seems to be in some sort of trouble or another. THOMNI: You have been here before? DOCTOR: That attack in 1630, what was the outcome? THOMNI: You know something of our history? DOCTOR: Yes, a little. THOMNI: That was also a dark period. It was then our holy Ghana was taken from us. DOCTOR: Oh dear. Well never mind, I'm sure it will turn up again. THOMNI: Oh legend tells us so, but after so many... (THOMNI turns and starts to move back to the door lost in thought. The DOCTOR starts to follow him.) DOCTOR: This chap Travers! (THOMNI whirls around, stick raised - ready for an attack. The DOCTOR stops but carries on talking.) DOCTOR: This chap Travers, what of him? THOMNI: Sir, there is no time to talk, Khrisong will be angry. (The DOCTOR turns back to his bed.) DOCTOR: Ah yes, he may be angry, but he's not the Abbot, is he? THOMNI: No. DOCTOR: No. I don't think you'll find the Abbot will be angry when he sees what I have bought with me. THOMNI: What do you mean? Show me. (The DOCTOR moves down searching for the Ghanta in the straw.) DOCTOR: I want you to help me to get this to the Abbot. (He stands up when he hears someone else coming in. KHRISONG and two guards enter the cell.) KHRISONG: Why this delay? Seize him! Take him to the gate! (The guards grabs the DOCTOR and move him out of the cell. The DOCTOR turns to THOMNI.) DOCTOR: Abbot! The straw! KHRISONG: Follow me. (The DOCTOR is dragged along the corridor by the guards with KHRISONG in the lead. THOMNI thinks for a minute and then returns, searches the straw and finds, to his even greater amazement, the holy Tibetan bell that's been lost to Detsen since 1630 ! He puts it down on the straw and starts to pray before it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. MOUNTAINSIDE (VICTORIA and JAMIE stop running when VICTORIA starts to run in a different direction from where the TARDIS was. Behind them, the Yeti is bouncing up behind them.) JAMIE: Victoria, the TARDIS is that way! VICTORIA: I know, but we must warn the Doctor! JAMIE: How can we, when we don't know where he is? (VICTORIA notices the Yeti is almost on top of them.) VICTORIA: Jamie! JAMIE: Run! [SCENE_BREAK] 4. COURTYARD, MONASTERY (SAPAN and RINCHEN, now back from their prayers, intercept KHRISONG, arriving with the Doctor in the courtyard.) RINCHEN: Khrisong. Khrisong. KHRISONG: Do not interfere, Rinchen. RINCHEN: Did we not decide we would consult the Abbot, Songsten, before taking action? KHRISONG: We? You mean you had decided. The time for talk is past. RINCHEN: But, Khrisong, the Abbot... KHRISONG: The Abbot, must I always consult the Abbot before I take decisive action. (TRAVERS walks by, with a gun, obviously ready to leave the Monastery.) DOCTOR: Travers, don't you think this has gone far enough? (TRAVERS stops and turns to the DOCTOR with a look of triumph on his face.) TRAVERS: Well there's nothing I can do. DOCTOR: What do you hope to gain? TRAVERS: Time. DOCTOR: Time? TRAVERS: Look, you killed my companion, left me single handed, but don't worry, you won't get another chance of getting in my way. I shall find the Yeti, with or without help. DOCTOR: You can't possibly leave... (The DOCTOR starts to move forward but the guards put their sticks to bar his way.) TRAVERS: Can't I? You'll be quite safe here and I know where you are. I'm going. (He starts to sneer.) Now don't worry, the monks won't harm you. They're men of peace. DOCTOR: (Staring at the guard's sticks.) Men of peace? (Still sneering at the DOCTOR, TRAVERS moves towards the main doors and RINCHEN bows to TRAVERS.) RINCHEN: You are asking us... (TRAVERS, sneering and laughing at the DOCTOR, leaves the Courtyard.) RINCHEN: You are asking us to agree to murder. KHRISONG: No, our hands will be clean. SAPAN: After deliberately using him as bait? You cannot be so ruthless. KHRISONG: Sapan, I believe that this man is for some reason, trying to turn the Yeti into savage creatures. SAPAN: But what proof is there? KHRISONG: You have heard the word of Travers. He is an Englishman. The stranger is a killer. Let me tie him to the gate. If the Yeti come to rescue him we will know the truth. And my warriors will be waiting. (During this speech, all three monks move towards the door and KHRISONG opens the door and we hear the wind outside.) SAPAN: But if he is innocent? KHRISONG: My warriors will protect him. RINCHEN: Khrisong, there may be wisdom in what you say, all we ask is that you wait until the... KHRISONG: (Slams the door with temper.) No! I have done with waiting. Bring him to the gate! (The DOCTOR is dragged through the gate with KHRISONG behind them. SAPAN and RINCHEN look on disapproving.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. ANTEROOM, INNER SANCTUM (THOMNI has taken the Ghanta to the door of the Inner Sanctum. He looks about in awe, and when the door to the Sanctum starts to open, he lies down on the floor in prayer, holding the Ghanta in front of him. A middle-aged man wearing a parrot-style hat comes out of the door.) THOMNI: Master Abbot. Abbot Songsten. Forgive me, Abbot. SONGSTEN: Thomni. THOMNI: I'm sorry, but... SONGSTEN: You know well that only I may enter here. What is this? (He takes the Ghanta off Thomni, wondering what it is. When he realises what it is he becomes shocked.) SONGSTEN: Where did you get this? THOMNI: Is it not the... Ghanta that was lost? (A voice comes out of the air.) PADMASAMBHAVA: It is my son. (Both monks fall to their knees in prayer - SONGSTEN holding out the Ghanta while THOMNI hold his hands together.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Two hundred years or more it has been lost to us. How came you by it? SONGSTEN: It is the Master, Padmasambhava. Do not be afraid, answer him. THOMNI: (With difficulty.) The stranger brought it, Master. (The voice of PADMASAMBHAVA changes to some kind of strange hiss and sounds almost inhuman.) VOICE: (OOV.) THE DOCTOR. SO HE HAS RETURNED. (Then the voice changes back to PADMASAMBHAVA.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Bring the Ghanta to me my son. (THOMNI takes the Ghana from SONGSTEN. He stands up and opens the big doors to the Sanctum.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Both of you. (THOMNI looks a little sacred.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Do not be afraid, Thomni [SCENE_BREAK] 6. MAIN DOORS, MONASTERY (The DOCTOR has been tied up by his hands to some kind of pulley which is connected to the gate. KHRISONG checks the bonds are secure and then turns to several warrior monks.) KHRISONG: Rapalchan, watch from the window, there. Get up. You, the other window. (He turns, threatening, to the DOCTOR while the Warriors move off to their positions.) KHRISONG: Any attempt to rescue you will now be highly dangerous, for you. DOCTOR: Look, nobody is going to rescue me, least of all an abominable snowman. And hasn't it occurred to you, that innocent or guilty, whatever's been killing your monks may very well kill me! KHRISONG: If you are innocent, then let us hope that we will have the time to rescue you. (With that, he moves off to go into position. The DOCTOR stands there, wondering what to do, while a monk watches for anybody coming to rescue him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. MOUNTAINSIDE (JAMIE and VICTORIA look behind them to see that the Yeti isn't following them anymore.) JAMIE: I think we've shaken it off. VICTORIA: Have we? Good. JAMIE: Come on, it can't be much further. Listen! VICTORIA: Now what is it? JAMIE: Something's coming, come on! (They hide behind a rock. TRAVERS comes about the corner and aims his gun at the companions.) TRAVERS: Here, who the devil are you? What are you doing here? JAMIE: We're on our way to the monastery. TRAVERS: Are you indeed? You're a strange pair to find roaming around these mountains. You aren't anything to do with that newspaper fellow, I suppose? JAMIE: What do you mean? TRAVERS: Well he says he's a Doctor, but I know what he's really after... VICTORIA: Oh, have you seen him? TRAVERS: Yes, I've seen him. JAMIE: Is he all right? TRAVERS: Oh yes, he's quite all right. (He lowers the gun.) TRAVERS: So, you're going to the monastery, are you? Good. I think you'll find those lamas will have quite a welcome waiting for you. VICTORIA: The Doctor said there would be. TRAVERS: Did he now? (He turns to go back the way that JAMIE and VICTORIA have gone.) JAMIE: Oh, I wouldn't go that way if I was you. TRAVERS: Wouldn't you? VICTORIA: There's something up there. JAMIE: Aye, a great hairy beastie. TRAVERS: Where? JAMIE: In a cave. TRAVERS: The cave! Have you found their cave? JAMIE: Aye. (TRAVERS get eager and almost points his gun at the companions again...) TRAVERS: Will you show me where it is? VICTORIA: Oh no! JAMIE: No, I couldn't go back there, not with Victoria. (TRAVERS gets mean and really points the gun at the two.) TRAVERS: Now look here young fella, do stop playing games with me. I know that you and that Doctor fellow are after the Yeti. VICTORIA: Yeti? What's he talking about? (They both look at each other in puzzlement. TRAVERS catches this looks and the first seeds of doubt are planted into his mind.) TRAVERS: Are you trying to tell me you're not part of some press expedition? JAMIE: Expedition? VICTORIA: We're not part of anything, we're just visiting the monastery. TRAVERS: But the cave? JAMIE: Look if you're that keen to tangle with that beastie I'll show you where the cave is. TRAVERS: You will? JAMIE: After you've shown us how to get to the monastery. TRAVERS: All right, nothing to lose I suppose. All right, come with me. (Disappointed, TRAVERS turns back to the Monastery. VICTORIA and JAMIE follow him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INNER SANCTUM (Here, both THOMNI and SONGSTEN are both praying and looking towards a huge pair of closed doors. PADMASAMBHAVA's voice can be heard echoing through the room from the doors. Both of them seem to be in some kind of trance.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Tell me, my son, is the Doctor alone? THOMNI: Yes, Master. PADMASAMBHAVA: We are grateful for the return of the holy Ghanta. The Doctor is our friend, he must be treated with respect and kindness. Thomni, you will go to Khrisong. Tell him the Abbot orders the release of the Doctor. Go now. (THOMNI stands and turns about ready to leave the room, hands still clasp together in prayer.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Remember, these words were spoken by the Abbot, here. You will forget that you have entered this room or that you have spoken to me. (In a trance, THOMNI moves forward out of the door and slowly closes the door behind him. In the Anteroom, he starts to come out of his trance and starts to look about him with puzzlement and then moves off looking for KHRISONG. Meanwhile, back in the Inner Sanctum, the strange voice comes back...) VOICE: (OOV.) CAREFUL, SONGSTEN, WE MUST MAKE CERTAIN THE DOCTOR LEARNS NOTHING OF WHAT IS HAPPENING. HE IS A MAN OF GREAT KNOWLEDGE AND INTELLIGENCE, BUT HE MAY NOT SHOW SYMPATHY FOR THE POWERS THAT GUIDE US. HE MAY EVEN SEEK TO HINDER THE GREAT PLAN. (The Master's voice returns to normal...) PADMASAMBHAVA: It might be wise if he departs as soon as possible. (Still in a trance, and also with his hands clasped, SONGSTEN bows his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. MAIN GATE (The DOCTOR is still "hanging about", while the guard (RALPACHAN), looking through the barred windows, sees something.) RALPACHAN: (Calling to the other monk behind him.) Gearon! In the rocks! Did you see something? Something is coming! Khrisong, the Yeti! The Yeti! (The DOCTOR tenses in horror.) DOCTOR: Oh no! KHRISONG: (OOV.) Be ready to kill them! (TRAVERS, VICTORIA, and JAMIE arrive on the slope leading down to the Gate.) DOCTOR: Jamie! Victoria! Keep back! Keep back, they'll kill you! Keep away! Get away! (All three arrivals have spotted the DOCTOR and run up to him. But before they arrive KHRISONG and some of the warrior monks bar their way, sticks raised.) KHRISONG: You see, I was right. TRAVERS: Khrisong! Khrisong. It was all a mistake. (VICTORIA and JAMIE go through the blockage and look at the DOCTOR's bonds.) JAMIE: Doctor. TRAVERS: I've been talking to these youngsters. I'm sorry, this is not the man that attacked me. KHRISONG: Seize them. (Warrior Monks grab JAMIE and VICTORIA.) JAMIE: Hey, well what's going on? DOCTOR: I told you to keep away. (In anger directed at TRAVERS.) He's lead you into a trap! TRAVERS: No, Doctor... KHRISONG: Silence! Who are these people? TRAVERS: They're friends of his. KHRISONG: Then they shall act as hostages also. (THOMNI comes out of the main gate.) THOMNI: Khrisong. KHRISONG: Where have you been? THOMNI: With the Abbot. He has given... KHRISONG: The Abbot! I gave you no instructions to be with the Abbot. THOMNI: But Khrisong, we must release him! This stranger has brought back to us the holy Ghanta that was lost. (KHRISONG turns and stares, in shock, at the DOCTOR.) THOMNI: We must treat him with respect and kindness, these are the words of our Abbot. (KHRISONG turns and walks up to the DOCTOR.) KHRISONG: Is this true? DOCTOR: Of course. KHRISONG: Then why did you not tell me? DOCTOR: You'd already accused me of murder. You were hardly in the right frame of mind to listen to my story of how I came by the bell, now... now were you? (Nodding at his bonds.) Oh please, oh. (KHRISONG nods that the Warriors Monks let go of VICTORIA and JAMIE and untie the DOCTOR's hands.) DOCTOR: This wasn't the welcome I expected, you know? (KHRISONG turns and walks toward us with a look of shock and defeat on his face. The DOCTOR turns to TRAVERS with a look like a schoolteacher gives to a naughty pupil.) DOCTOR: As for you Travers! (TRAVERS hangs his head in shame.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INNER SANCTUM (The VOICE is back...) VOICE: IT IS WELL TO REMEMBER THAT NOTHING MUST DISTURB OUR PREPARATIONS. THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT NOW. SONGSTEN: How if the Doctor will not go? (The Abbot returns.) PADMASAMBHAVA: His life could be in great danger. He has been a good friend in the past, it would be ill if the life of such a one became in peril. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. COURTYARD (The DOCTOR, now wearing a scarf of honour from the Monks, examines the sphere which JAMIE retrieved from the cave.) DOCTOR: You say you found this in the cave? JAMIE: Aye. VICTORIA: There were lots of them. JAMIE: What do you think it is, Doctor? DOCTOR: I've no idea. Now this creature, what was it like? JAMIE: Oh it was huge and all covered with hair, like a sort of bear. VICTORIA: It attacked us. DOCTOR: It does sound like your abominable snowman, Travers. TRAVERS: Oh but they wouldn't attack anyone. DOCTOR: No, I always thought so. TRAVERS: They're shy allusive creatures. Why do you think it's taken me so long to track them down? (The DOCTOR looks at the sphere again.) DOCTOR: What made this? I wonder what it's for. Oh well. (With that, he puts the sphere down on in front of a statue of a Buddha. ) DOCTOR: I'd like to see one of these creatures. VICTORIA: It was horrible. JAMIE: Aye, it was buried under tons of rock, yet it still just got up and came after us. VICTORIA: Like a nightmare. TRAVERS: Now, fear makes us imagine all sorts of things. DOCTOR: Including creatures that don't seem to be flesh and blood. (A WARRIOR MONK's voice can be heard.) WARRIOR MONK: Khrisong! Khrisong! (KHRISONG arrives with more Warrior Monks.) DOCTOR: What is it? JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: What's the matter? JAMIE: What's he seen? WARRIOR MONK: Khrisong, come quickly! KHRISONG: What is it? JAMIE: He must have seen something. WARRIOR MONK: Look! (Outside, through the gate three Yetis can be seen.) TRAVERS: Well there they are, at last. JAMIE: Hey look. KHRISONG: We must take it in. TRAVERS: After all these years! KHRISONG: Ralpachan, stand watch at the walls! Platau, I want two men either side of this base! Thomni, come with me! TRAVERS: Look, they're magnificent, just as I thought they'd be. (While the Warriors run about obeying the orders and TRAVERS watches the Yeti through the door, the DOCTOR and JAMIE follow KHRISONG over to a different part of the courtyard.) DOCTOR: Do you really think they'll attack? KHRISONG: I don't know, they've never been this close before. TRAVERS: Of course they wouldn't attack anyone, they're timid. You'll see. DOCTOR: Yes but if they do, do you think you could capture one? I... I would like to examine one. JAMIE: Examine it! Aye, we'll rap it up for you. DOCTOR: Thank you, Jamie. KHRISONG: Thomni, come, we must see to the defences. (Turns to JAMIE.) Boy, help at the gates! (JAMIE, eager for battle, has an idea.) JAMIE: Hey, Doctor, if you really want to capture one of these beasties, I have an idea which I think may just work. (The DOCTOR's face falls on this.) DOCTOR: Oh, Victoria. JAMIE: Eh. DOCTOR: I think this is one of those instances were discretion is the better part of valour. Jamie has an idea. Come along. (The DOCTOR takes a puzzled VICTORIA by the hand and leads her off into one of the buildings.) JAMIE: No Doc... DOCTOR: Come along. (They disappear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. COUNCIL ROOM (In here, SONGSTEN, RINCHEN and a number of high placed Monks are discussing the problem.) SONGSTEN: Have no fear, now that the holy ghanta has been returned to us, all will be well. RINCHEN: But what if the Yeti do attack? SONGSTEN: Have faith, Rinchen, Khrisong and his warriors will protect us. RINCHEN: Khrisong is a rash man. He was so sure that this Doctor was a threat to us. (The DOCTOR and VICTORIA arrive at the doorway to this room and the DOCTOR overhears the last bit of what RINCHEN was saying.) DOCTOR: I can assure you I am not. (All the Monks turns to face the newcomers. SONGSTEN bows to the DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. MAIN GATE JAMIE: I hope this is going to work. You ready up there? Catch! (JAMIE throws up the tail end of a piece of rope up to a monk who catches it.) THOMNI: There is one coming! JAMIE: Aye, one's enough. THOMNI: The others don't seem to be moving. (We see one of the three Yeti start to move toward the Gate.) JAMIE: Look, keep it back, I'm not ready for it yet. THOMNI: Keep it back! (All the Warrior Monks, including THOMNI, raise their sticks in readiness for the Yeti. JAMIE puts the other end of the rope on the floor.) JAMIE: That's it. Stand by, here it comes. (The Yeti arrives.) JAMIE: Now! (All the monks start to hit the Yeti with their sticks. The Yeti starts to shove some of the Monks back but is pushed into the rope circle.) JAMIE: Right, haul the rope, quick! Quick with the net! Pull hard, up with it. (The ropes are pulled and the creature is bundled into the net. The monks continue to pummel the Yeti with their staves. The Yeti at first continue to fight back ferociously but is then, suddenly, strangely, quite still.) JAMIE: Wait, wait. THOMNI: It's dead. JAMIE: Aye. Hey, why aren't the others attacking? (The other two Yeti stare at the Monks and then turns and start to move away.) THOMNI: They're going. JAMIE: Good, lets get this one inside. (They start to move the Yeti inside, but close to where the struggle occurred, another silver sphere can be seen embedded in the soft ground, making strange alien bubbling noises. It starts to move slowly through the mud.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. COURTYARD (A little later, it is now night and a Monk, carrying a burning torch, moves forward through the courtyard. When he passed the Statue he bows to it with his hands clasped together. Then he notices the sphere, left there by the DOCTOR, picks it up and looks at it. Assuming that it is an offering, the Monk puts down the sphere back in the hands of the statue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. COUNCIL ROOM (The YETI has been put on the table and the DOCTOR, VICTORIA, JAMIE, TRAVERS, THOMNI, and KHRISONG all gather round as the DOCTOR has a look at the creature.) DOCTOR: Victoria, this creature certainly doesn't seem to be flesh and blood. TRAVERS: What? DOCTOR: It's not your abominable snowman either, Travers. Look. (He taps it and the creature gives off a strange metallic sound.) DOCTOR: Metal. TRAVERS: That's incredible. THOMNI: What is it? KHRISONG: A devils warrior. DOCTOR: No, I don't think so, it's more like a robot. TRAVERS: A robot? My dear chap don't let your imagination run away with you. DOCTOR: Now, why has it stopped? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. (The DOCTOR discovers a empty round "Pouch" in the middle of the "Creature".) VICTORIA: Nothing there. (The DOCTOR put his hands in the Pouch.) DOCTOR: No, but there has been! [SCENE_BREAK] 16. MAIN GATE (The sphere at the Gate starts to beep and move again...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. COURTYARD (...and inside, the sphere, on the statue, hearing the beeping of its brother starts to beep too and begins, purposefully, to roll off in the direction of the captured Yeti...)
Plan: A: Victoria; Q: Along with Jamie, who makes their way to the monastery? A: the monastery; Q: Where do Jamie and Victoria go when they are attacked by the Yeti? Summary: Jamie and Victoria make their way to the monastery shortly before it is attacked by the Yeti.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: All right, I'm ready for my next question. Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War? Sheldon: Uganda. Amy: Defend. Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs. Amy: Correct. My turn. Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag? Amy: Tuned bayonets. Sheldon: Defend. Amy: Isn't it obvious? Sheldon: You're right. My apologies. Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing? Sheldon: It's a game we invented. It's called Counterfactuals. Amy: We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other. Sheldon: It's fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us. Leonard: All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl. Sheldon: You're in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed? Leonard: Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don't know. Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We're playing a game here. Leonard: I can figure this out, let's see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I'll say cinnamon. Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish. Leonard: What? Amy: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that? Leonard: This is ridiculous. You're just making stuff up. Amy: Is he always like this when he loses? Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should've been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008. Leonard: You bumped the table and you know it. Amy: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide. Leonard: I'm going to my room. Amy: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don't tell us where you're hiding. Credits sequence. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Leonard: Did you guys see the paper in The American Physics Journal on supersolids? It's pretty interesting. This guy's working from a hypothesis where... Raj: Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert. Leonard: What? Raj: Don't ruin it for me, man. I printed out a PDF to read on the potty. Howard: On the potty? What are you, five? Raj: It's a potty. What do you call it? Howard: Toilet. Raj: That's a little vulgar for the dinner table, don't you think? Howard: Oh, and potty is okay? Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable. Howard: What do you do in the potty, wee-wee? Raj: If I don't have to boom-boom. Sheldon: Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler. Leonard: Sure. Howard: Nice to see you. Amy: Hello. Sheldon: Sorry we're late. Amy: I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies. Howard: Ah, ah. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: I believe she's experiencing her menses. Amy: Actually, I'm not. In order to avoid surprises, I wear them all the time. Leonard: Ah, ah. Howard: Okay. Toilet's sounding pretty good now, huh? Penny: Hey, look, it's Shamy. Amy: Shamy? Sheldon: A juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon and Amy, Shamy. Amy: Oh. I don't like that. Don't do that. Penny: All righty. What's new? Amy: Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don't like that. Penny: I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how's your life? Amy: Like everybody else's. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order? Sheldon: I should've warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here. Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently. Sheldon: It's how they lure you in. I believe it's called bait and switch. Penny: Okay, I'm just gonna walk away, 'cause I don't want to be here. Leonard: So, this is nice. First time we've all gotten together to eat. Amy: You're right, he's a festival of humdrum chitchat. Leonard: Okay, that's all I got. Howard, you're up. Howard: Um, tell us about your work, Amy. Amy: I doubt you'd understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master's degree. Howard: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy? Amy: I'm curious as to why we're not eating alone. Sheldon: They can't function without me. I'm the social glue that holds this little group together. You're welcome. Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend? Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl and she's my friend, but there's no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva. Leonard: Got it. Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It's an action we both regret to this day. Leonard: Uh-huh. Anyway, I'm not sure she's the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance. Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I've always been more of an empire man. Leonard: Yeah, not my point. Sheldon: I know what your point is. You're intimidated by Amy's intellect. To that I say, buck up. Leonard: Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious. Sheldon: So? Leonard: So we already have you for all that. Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy? Leonard: No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else. Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore. Leonard: Suffered in silence? Sheldon: Yes. And I'd thank you to do the same. Leonard: Really? Silence? Scene: Penny's apartment. Raj: Ah. Nothing makes beer taste better than cool clear Rocky Mountain spring water. Where are the Rocky Mountains, anyway? Howard: Philadelphia. Raj: Really? I thought they were out West someplace. Howard: Think about it, Raj. Where did the movie Rocky take place? Raj: Philadelphia. Okay, now I get it. Penny: So this is the plan? From now on, we're just gonna hide out in here to avoid the Shamy? Raj: I'm very comfortable here. Penny, dear, why don't you shoot another silver bullet my way? Penny: Get one yourself. Raj: Ooh, somebody's been taking bitchy pills. Penny: God, he's an ass when he drinks. Howard: Oh, he's an ass when he doesn't. You just don't hear it. Leonard: I think we need to start entertaining the possibility that the Shamy could go on for years. Raj: Well, if that's the case, Penny will have to get satellite TV and maybe once a week run a vacuum through this place. Penny: I thought you were going to talk to Sheldon. Leonard: I did. Penny: Well, what'd he say? Leonard: Well, he pointed out that he kinda, sorta had to put up with you. Penny: Kinda, sorta had to? Leonard: I didn't agree with him. Penny: Well, you defended me, right? Leonard: I tried, but (Penny starts rubbing her foot with a pumice stone) he made a fairly well-reasoned argument. Howard: You're not doing that right. Penny: What? Howard: Gimme. Penny: No. Howard: Trust me. Penny: No! Howard: I do this for my mom all the time. See? With the grain. Penny: Wow, that is better. Howard: And someday, when you have varicose veins, I'll show you how to massage them. Scene: The University Cafeteria. Raj: Oh, God, never again. Leonard: I assume by never again, you mean never again will you drink all of Penny's beer, then run down to the gas station for a couple of 40s, a box of Slim Jims and the latest issue of Bombay Badonkadonks. Raj: I was homesick. Howard: The highlight of the evening was when you showed us your Bollywood break dancing skills. (Does a stereotyped impersonation of Bollywood dancing.) Raj: That's very offensive. Howard: Yeah, we all thought so. Leonard: Oh, no. Howard: What? Leonard: John and Yoko. Howard: More like Yoko and Yoko. Sheldon: Greetings. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I'm doing. Amy: It's very impressive, for theoretical work. Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension? Amy: I'm sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what's the word I'm looking for? Hmm, cute. Leonard and Howard together: Oooh! Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac? Amy: I'm stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell. Sheldon: You take that back. Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it's better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours. Leonard: I'm sorry, I'm-I'm still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so... Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology. Amy: Yes, but if I'm successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm. Sheldon: That's the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s! Amy: We appear to have reached an impasse. Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately. Amy: Seconded. Sheldon: There being no objections... All: No, uh-uh. Sheldon: The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy: Good day, Sheldon Cooper. Howard: Women, huh? Can't live with them, can't successfully refute their hypotheses. Sheldon: Amen to that. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The laundry room. Penny: Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hello. Penny: I hear you broke up with Amy. Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend. Penny: Wow. That's like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing? Sheldon: Regarding what? Penny: Amy. Sheldon: I don't follow. Penny: Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough. Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I'm fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I'm continuing on with my life as before. Penny: Okay. Good. Sheldon: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a pussycat. Scene: The cafeteria. Leonard: I gotta tell you guys, I'm a little worried about Sheldon. Howard: We're all a little worried about Sheldon. Leonard: No, I mean since the Shamy hit a reef. Howard: Oh, I thought you were just making a generalization, you know, I'm worried about Sheldon someday setting off a low-yield nuclear device because the cafeteria ran out of lime Jell-O. Raj: What does hit a reef mean? Leonard: Uh, went splitsville. Raj: Pardon? Leonard: Turned to boom-boom. Raj: Ah. Leonard: I think Sheldon really misses Amy. Howard: You should lend him your copy of Bombay Badonkadonks. Leonard: He got a cat to keep him company. Raj: You're kidding. Leonard: He takes it everywhere, to bed, to the bathroom. Raj: He takes the kitty to the potty? Howard: I thought we discussed the P-word. Raj: Don't try to change me, dude. I am what I am. Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen. Howard: Hey. Aren't you going to introduce us to your little friend? Sheldon: My apologies. Raj, Howard, I'd like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer. Howard: Hello. Raj: Hi. Sheldon: Now, if you'll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk. Howard: Okay, I get it. We're worried about Sheldon. Leonard: Yeah. Scene: The apartment. Leonard arrives. Leonard: Hey. (Turns to see Sheldon now has five cats) Oh, no. Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely. Leonard: So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project? Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles. Leonard: Zazzles? Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he's so zazzy. Leonard: Okay, we need to talk. Sheldon: About what? Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You're clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats. Sheldon: Clowder. Leonard: What? Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring. Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine. Sheldon: It's the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one. Leonard: Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you're feeling with this breakup. Sheldon: It wasn't a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend. Leonard: Okay, I got it, I got it, she's not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell. Sheldon: You didn't break up, she dumped you. Leonard: She didn't dump me. It was mutual! Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you. Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her. Sheldon: You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan. All right, fellas, who's in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that's not fancy at all. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Thanks for coming. Mrs Cooper: Where is he? Leonard: He's in his bedroom. Mrs Cooper: Now, when you said on the phone he broke up with a girl, you meant an actual girl, not something you kids whipped up in a lab? Leonard: No, she's real. Mrs Cooper: Did they sin? Leonard: No, no, it's not like that. It's, uh, I don't know what it's like. But there is something I should prepare you for. Mrs Cooper: Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I've seen him at his best, I've seen him at his worst. There's nothing he can do that'll surprise me. Leonard: Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon's bedroom door) Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.) Leonard: Surprise. Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure. Mrs Cooper: My, my, that's a powerful smell. Sheldon: I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf... Mrs Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave 'em cute Jewish names. Sheldon: What are you doing here? Mrs Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady. Sheldon: Oh, that's preposterous. I'm not pining over anyone. Mrs Cooper: Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy. Sheldon: I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don't argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you'll find to be quite zazzy. Mrs Cooper: You should have called sooner. Scene: The kitchen. Mrs Cooper: Shelly! Dinner's ready! Sheldon: Coming! Mrs Cooper: No cats! Sheldon: Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here? Mrs Cooper: I called her. Amy: Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious. Sheldon: Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties. Leonard (pretending to sneeze): 25 cats! Mrs Cooper: Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk. Sheldon: All right, but you're not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen. Mrs Cooper: Then stop talking. Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. Mrs Cooper: Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other. Sheldon: That's a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I've ever met. Mrs Cooper: Oh, I'm sorry, Shelly, I can't see it. Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can't see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they're there. Amy: Excellent point. Sheldon: A physics point. Amy: Touche. Mrs Cooper: Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it's a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn't have to end it for you. Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences. Amy: I'll agree to that only if you'll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you. Sheldon: I'll go as high as 40. Amy: Sixty-five. Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you? Amy: I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating. Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats? Amy: I would. I love cats. They're the epitome of indifference. Sheldon: Ah, then you may find Zazzles a little cloying. Leonard: I saw what you did there. Mrs Cooper: He thinks he's such a smarty pants. He's no different from any man. You tell 'em not to do something, that's all they want to do. If I hadn't told my brother Stumpy not to clear out the wood chipper by hand, we'd still be calling him Edward. Now, don't you move. I'll bring over all the food. Leonard: No, no, no, I can do it. Mrs Cooper: Well, isn't that sweet? Scene: Outside. Sheldon is sitting at a table with a sign reading "Cats $20") Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here's your cat. And here's your $20. Amy: Next! Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here's your cat. And here's your $20. Amy: Next!
Plan: A: their combined personalities; Q: What is the rest of the group irritated by? A: physics; Q: What subject did Sheldon and Amy argue over? A: the apartment; Q: Where does Leonard become worried when Sheldon brings 25 cats into? A: Sheldon's mother; Q: Who manipulates Sheldon into reconciling with Amy? Summary: Sheldon and Amy are very compatible with each other, but the rest of the group is irritated by their combined personalities. They are relieved when Sheldon and Amy break up after an argument over the relative significance of physics compared to neuroscience, but Leonard becomes worried when Sheldon brings 25 cats into the apartment. He calls in Sheldon's mother, who manipulates Sheldon into reconciling with Amy.
ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier is taking a caller whilst Roz is seemingly on a distant planet with her head in a book. Frasier: Hello Steven, I'm listening. Steven: [v.o:] Well, you see Dr. Crane, my wife Tracy and I are having a baby and I know we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. But there seems to be a lot of different advice about whether it's okay to let your kid climb into bed with you in the morning. Frasier: Ah! Stop right there, Steven. It's okay. All relationships require that kind of close and undivided attention. Isn't that so, Roz? Roz: [nonchalantly responds only to name:] Uh-huh. Steven: But what if you and your wife enjoy, you know, making love in the morning? Frasier: Trust me, after the baby comes that won't be an issue anymore. [presses button:] This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL. We'll be back after these messages. Frasier presses another button and storms into Roz's booth. Frasier: Roz! How can you be reading now? Roz: Oh, I don't know, it's something I picked up in elementary school and it stuck. Frasier: Just what is it that's so captivating? Roz: [holds up book] "Slow Tango in South Seattle." Frasier: Oh God, not you too! Why is that every woman I see is carrying that book around? Roz: Because it's impossible to put down. Just read the first paragraph. I guarantee you'll be hooked. Frasier: [reads:] "There are tangos that come flowing from the wine seas, from the rust of a hundred sunken ships. This is one of those dances." Roz: Well? Frasier: There are books that make your stomach lurch and thrust your lunch ever upwards. This is one of those books! Frasier and Roz enter the other booth. Roz: You men are all alike, you have no soul. Frasier: Oh... Roz: Except for this one. [points to author's picture on back of book:] The future Mr. Roz Doyle: Thomas Jay Fallow. Frasier: Oh my God, it's him! Roz: What? Do you know him? Frasier: Yes. Yes, he used to drop into a neighborhood bar I frequented back in Boston. He's a bit pretentious, though; he stuck out like a sore thumb. Roz: You used to drink with Thomas Jay Fallow? Frasier: Well, actually I spent a lot of my time helping him get through his writer's block. In future I'll remember to use my powers for good and not for evil. Roz: Well, I don't care what you think about him, he's coming here to the station tomorrow to be on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat" and you're going to introduce us. Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't see him. I'll have to tell him how much I liked his book. You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face. Roz: Oh no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you. Frasier: Well, then perhaps you're right. Roz: See how easy it is? [SCENE_BREAK] HE WAS NOT YET A MAN, YET OH SO MUCH MORE THAN A BOY Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment Martin is on the floor doing his exercises with Daphne. However, Eddie keeps on getting between them. Daphne is helping Martin pull and push his legs. Daphne: Eight... nine... Stop it, Eddie! Martin: Oh, he just wants to play, huh boy? Daphne: Yeah, well, therapy is not a game! Stop it! Stop it, I said. [doorbell] If he keeps this up then there's no point in us going on with these exercises. As she gets up to answer the door, Martin slips Eddie a treat. Martin: Atta boy! Daphne opens the door to Niles. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Ah! Doing your exercises I see? Daphne: Yes, and if someone doesn't let us get on with them, he's gonna get a little spank on his fanny. Niles, thinking she's talking to him, stands frozen in shock for a long beat. Niles: [thinking she's talking about him:] Well... [confused] Don't let me.... unless you want to... Martin: What's up? Niles: Well, when I brought you a beer in your room the other day I couldn't help but notice you had pictures of Frasier and Frederick and an autographed one from someone named Ken Griffey Jr., but none of Maris and me. So I brought you this. Niles hands a picture in a frame to Martin. Of course, we do not get to see the image. Martin: Gee, thanks. What's Maris doing wearing jodhpurs? She hasn't taken up horseback riding, has she? Niles: No, no. She wanted to, but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie! Frasier storms in with a copy of "Slow Tango In South Seattle." Frasier: I can't believe this! I simply can't believe this! Martin: What are you bappin' about? Frasier: This, this book! It's written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life, something I shared with him in confidence one night; he's turned it into this trash! Daphne: [notices:] "Slow Tango"? Well, I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes, he is. But did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements. Martin: What's it about anyway? Frasier: That is not important. Daphne: It's about his first time. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Niles: [innocent:] Your first time doing what? Frasier: [sarcastic:] Changing a flat tire! Niles: [realises:] Oh! Martin: So this whole book is about the night you conceived Frederick. Frasier: Very funny, dad. I'll have you know that wasn't my first time. Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time! Niles: Just who was this charitable lass? Frasier: That is not important! Daphne: His piano teacher. Martin: His piano teacher? Frasier: Thank you again, Daphne! Daphne: It's not like it's a secret, it's all right there in black and white. About your awkward teenage lunging and how you used to call your chest hair your "Rug of Love." Martin and Niles burst into laughter. Frasier: Well, not all of it's true. He did take some literary license. Daphne: Oh, then you're not really able to "bring a woman to hidden realms of ecstasy with your panther-like prowess?" Frasier: [boasting:] Well, that part he got right! Martin: Boy, this really fries me. You know, that woman taking advantage of our kid. Not to mention I was putting out ten bucks a week for piano lessons so you could get your hedge trimmed! Niles: Wait a minute! We're not talking about Miss Warner? Martin: Don't tell me this was going on in your lessons too? Niles: No, you'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs I was actually studying music. Frasier: [angry:] Now look! This was not some tired older woman lusting after young flesh. Clarice and I cared for each other. She showed me a world I'd never known, and... wouldn't know again for six and a half years. Daphne: It's true. As Mr. Fallow put it, "she saw his sensitive, poetic side and you couldn't help noticing the way her ripe, heaving bosom would brush your cheek when she reached for the metronome." [Niles sighs deeply at Daphne] Frasier: I can't believe a man who drank so heavily remembered so much! He grabs his coat and storms toward the door. Niles: And yet he so conveniently forgot who told him the story. Frasier: Yes, well he's going to get a little reminder today! Frasier exits with the book to the station. After he leaves it's only a couple of seconds before Niles and Martin are fighting over Daphne's copy of the book. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Radio Station It's Amber Edwards's "Book Chat." Amber is interviewing Thomas Jay Fallow whilst Frasier and Roz peer in through the window. Thomas is reading from his book. Thomas: "I budded when you kissed me, I withered when you left me, I bloomed a few months while you loved me." Meanwhile, in the corridor: Roz: Will you calm down? Frasier: Not until I have exacted my pound of flesh. Roz: Could you at least wait until I get my book signed? Frasier: Here, let me sign it for you. Roz: Stop it! Frasier: Roz, Roz, you haven't told anyone about this, have you? They'll have a field day with me. Roz: Frasier, give me credit for a little discretion, would you? As the words leave her mouth Bulldog approaches her. Bulldog: Hey, Piano Boy! Way to pound those ivories! Frasier: Bulldog, Bulldog. Listen, it is imperative that this is not commonly known. Bulldog: Hey doc, it's no big deal. Bulldog whacks his head against the vending machine and gets some chocolate from it. Bulldog: Anything for you? I've still got some feeling on the other side of my head. [Frasier shakes his head] I had a similar experience when I was sixteen, with an older woman who introduced me to the mysteries of love. Of course, she was a hooker. [Roz looks shocked] Hey, it was a birthday present from my dad, okay? You wanna know the ironic thing, doc? All I wanted was a bike! Frasier looks at Roz. Roz: Oh come on Frasier, how did you expect me not to tell anybody? You can't keep something like that all bottled up! I only told one person. As the words leave her mouth Gil approaches. Gil: Hello Frasier, Roz. Frasier: Hi, Gil. Gil: I was just finishing my restaurant review for my show this afternoon when I came across a perfect sandwich named after you, at Rosenthal's Deli. "Frasier Crane's Double Decker." It consisted of aged pheasant, spring chicken and of course, plenty of tongue. Bulldog: [laughs, then reads from book:] "I wept as our bodies made the music of love." Gil: [reading:] "I'm your rhapsody, play me!" Bulldog: "Crescendo, my young maestro, crescendo!" Gil: My vessel yearns to dock in the magnificence of your harbor. Bulldog: [laughs, then:] Hey, that's not in the book! Bulldog and Gil exit down the corridor. Meanwhile, Amber carries on with her show. Amber: There's one thing I must ask you. What was your inspiration for this poignant love story? In the corridor: Frasier: Quiet, quiet, it's his last chance. In the booth: Thomas: Well, Amber, it was given to me... by God. In the corridor: Frasier: [angry:] By God?! Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God and he knows it! In the booth: Amber: Well, we'll be right back with the divinely-inspired Thomas Jay Fallow right after this station break. [presses button then gets up:] Will you excuse me, I want to call my husband and see if he can take a long lunch. As Amber leaves Frasier storms in to meet Thomas. Frasier: Thomas Jay Fallow! Thomas: Frasier! Frasier Crane, I can't believe it! Frasier: Well, I see my name hasn't entirely escaped your sieve-like memory. Thomas: My what? Frasier: Well, it didn't make it into your list of acknowledgements, you, you... egomaniacal thief! Thomas: You read my book. Frasier: I didn't have to read it! I lived it! Not that anybody would know that from reading your three pages of acknowledgements, in which you mention everyone from your kindergarten teacher to the man who designed the typeface. But no mention of me? No, I'm only the man who gave you the story which you have ruthlessly merchandised into this million-dollar treacle machine! [silence] I'm finished now. Thomas: I'm so sorry. I don't know how I could have been so thoughtless. Thomas begins crying and Frasier doesn't know what to do. Thomas: I owe you everything! Frasier hugs him as Roz enters. Roz: Oh my God, Frasier what have you done now? All the other girls enter including Amber. Amber: What happened? Roz: Frasier made him cry! Frasier exits quietly. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO THE TEARS IT TAKES A SUMMER WIND TO DRY... Scene One - Frasier's Apartment Niles and Martin are having a chat. Niles: Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond. Martin: I wouldn't concern myself. Niles: Do you think it's just innocent flirting? Martin: No, I just wouldn't concern myself. Frasier enters and they all ad-lib hellos. Niles: Frasier, congratulations. Maris was listening to "Book Chat" during her seaweed wrap and heard Thomas Jay Fallow acknowledge his enormous debt to you. Frasier: Yes, I had a little chat with him this afternoon. Niles: Did he seem properly contrite? Frasier: I made him cry. Martin: That's my boy! I guess you're feeling pretty good, eh? Frasier: Well, actually dad the entire incident has left me strangely unsatisfied. I don't know, I still feel sort of empty. It's been churning around in my mind all day. Martin: You kill me, you know. You've got exactly what you wanted and you're still not happy. Frasier, life is not hard, you make it hard. You don't just let things happen and enjoy it. You've got to analyze everything that you can. You know, you can learn a big lesson from this dog here. Eddie begins rolling on his stomach. Martin: You know what makes him happy? A sock! Come on, Eddie. Martin exits and Eddie follows. Niles: Ignore him. Obviously what's troubling you goes deeper than your usual malaise. Daphne enters with a copy of the book and shouts at Frasier. Daphne: Shame on you! Frasier: What for? Daphne: What for? You just ran out on her. [reads:] "Leaving her bed as empty as a swallows nest after fall's first frost." And you ask me what for? Frasier: I'd just been accepted to Harvard. What else was I gonna do? Daphne: Oh, so you just leave in the middle of the night without so much as a kiss on the forehead. [Daphne exits] Niles: You never said goodbye to Miss Warner? Frasier: Well, she was sleeping so peacefully. She had an early lesson! I left a rose on her pillow. Niles: A-ha! Frasier: "A-ha," what? Niles: "A-ha" this, I have a theory. Frasier: Well, why else would you say "a-ha"? Niles: No, no, no. Just listen. You thought you were angry at Thomas Fallow for failing to thank you for the contribution you made to his life. But perhaps the person you're really angry at is yourself. You never thanked Miss Warner for the contribution she made to your life. Frasier: I was only seventeen years old, I'm sure she understood. Niles: Perhaps she didn't. She was a vulnerable, lonely, middle-aged woman. It is possible that her feelings for you ran deeper than you realized? Feelings which you crushed when you disappeared without so much as a thank you or a goodbye. Frasier: Yes well, thank you and goodbye! Niles: Fine, I'll just leave you with this thought: your encounter with Thomas Jay Fallow was unsatisfactory because it failed to provide you with the closure you were seeking. For that you will have to make amends with Miss Warner - A-ha! Niles opens the door and exits. Then Eddie runs in and drops a white sock at Frasier's feet. Frasier: [shouts] Very funny, dad! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment - Night Frasier is sat in his wing back leather chair upstage. He is reading a copy of "Slow Tango In South Seattle." Frasier: [v.o:] "He had been a teenage Balboa, an explorer of the rising pinnacles and gently curving slopes of my body. Then in one explosive burst of discovery he had staked claim to the Pacific ocean that was my soul. But now he was leaving, going, vanishing like a solitary boat on a lonely horizon. Departing like a train, rolling ceaselessly through the night. Exiting swiftly like..." The voice-over stops and Frasier finishes the page. He turns over a page, another page and several pages. After many pages he reads: Frasier: [v.o:] "And so he was gone." And so he carries on reading: Frasier: [v.o:] "And now in the cool of the evening I play my piano. And his last words resonate through the notes: 'I'll come back to you, my cherished one.' But he never did and all that remains of him are the withered petals of the rose he left upon my pillow." Frasier sits back and remembers the times. Then Daphne storms in, smacks him with her copy of the book, and storms out again. [SCENE_BREAK] I FEEL OLDER SINCE HIS SHADOW LEFT MY DOOR Scene Three - Clarice Warner's Living Room Frasier walks up to the front door and sees an elderly pensioner, looking in her late seventies, playing "The Blue Danube" on the piano. Frasier looks in. Frasier: Clarice? Time, the sole thief of youth. Frasier knocks on the door. Miss Warner looks up from the piano and obviously doesn't recognise Frasier. She opens the door and he steps in. Warner: Hello. May I help you? Frasier: Miss Warner? Warner: Yes? Frasier: I'm Frasier Crane. Warner: I'm sorry, my memory's not what it used to be. But please come in. Would you like to sit down? Frasier: Yes, I would. They sit. Warner: So, we know each other? Frasier: Well... we were friends. More than friends, actually. You really don't remember? Warner: I'm trying! [laughs] Frasier: You must have some recollection. A fair-haired boy outside your door, at the piano... on the piano... Warner: No, I'm sorry. Frasier: Well, listen, before the memories come flooding back to you. I should tell you that we had a romance that didn't have the happiest of endings. Warner: [cheerful:] Oh! Frasier: That's why I'm here. You see, our last evening together we "walked through a summer storm and I kissed the raindrops on your nose and promised we'd always be together." And I broke that promise. You helped a shy adolescent take his first uncertain steps towards becoming a man and how did I repay that kindness? By running off and leaving you with nothing but your memories. Warner: And not many of those either! [laughs] Frasier: Well, can you ever forgive me? Warner: Oh, you're so sweet. Of course I can forgive you. Frasier: Thank you, thank you. Frasier, now tearful, begins to hug Miss Warner. Frasier: It's such a relief to get that off my chest. Clarice: [o.s:] Mother, mother, I'm going now. Warner: You run along, Clarice. Frasier: [realising:] Clarice? Clarice: [walks in:] Oh, excuse me. Clarice Warner is an extremely well-preserved (and sexy) woman in her late sixties who doesn't look a day over forty. She's also dressed very sprucely. Warner: Dear, this is Frasier Crane. Apparently we were quite an item once. [holds Frasier's hand] Clarice: Frasier Crane. Well, what are you doing here? Frasier: Obviously making an enormous mistake. [looks at Warner] Clarice: Mother, would you get us some iced tea, please? Warner: [to Frasier:] She's getting rid of me, but I'll be back! [exits] Clarice: My God, well I can't believe you're here. It's got to be twenty... Frasier: Twenty-five. Clarice: Twenty-five years? Ah, and look at you. Frasier: Look at you, you look incredible. Clarice: Well sure, compared to my mother! Frasier: That's not what I mean, you look stunning. Clarice: Thank you. Look at you. You've become a very handsome man. And successful, too. Frasier: Thank you. Clarice: You're here because of that book, aren't you? Frasier: Yes and I'd like to apologise right off. Er, I told that story to Mr. Fallow in confidence. It was never meant to be in print. Clarice: There's no need to apologise. That was a lovely time in my life. It was nice to re-live it. So, are you married? Frasier: Divorced. You? Clarice: I've never married. Frasier: I came here to apologise about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you, it was selfish and cowardly. Clarice: Oh Frasier, relax. I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons. Do you still keep it up? Frasier gives Clarice a look at these words of confusion and then realises her meaning. Frasier: Oh, the piano! Yes! Gee, I was a little nervous about coming here but now it feels like old times. Sit at middle C. [he sits at the piano] Clarice: Then the metronome. Clarice leans past him and Frasier stares at - how the book puts it - "her ripe, heaving bosom." Frasier nervously stands up. Frasier: Maybe I should get going. Clarice, at the risk of sounding a little forward - would you like to have a cup of coffee with me? Clarice: Thanks, but I'll have to say no. Frasier: If you're worried about the age difference, don't worry. That's no longer an issue. Then we hear a knock at the door. We see a young man at the door in his early twenties. Man:Hi honey, are you ready to go? Clarice: I'll be right out. Frasier: Are you and he... Clarice: Uh-huh. I weren't interested in forty-year-old men then and I guess I'm still not. Great to see you again, though. [kisses him] Bye, mom! Clarice exits with the man. Frasier shudders as he turns round to face the elderly Miss Warner who arrives with the iced tea. Warner: Good, now we're alone. [puts a drop of ice tea on her nose:] See what I did? I put a raindrop on my nose! Frasier shudders. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] The scene returns to Miss Warner's home. Frasier and the elderly Miss Warner are playing the piano together. However, Warner keeps shifting up closer to Frasier, forcing him to move further away. Eventually he moves so far that he falls off the piano seat pulling Miss Warner with him.
Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is shocked to learn that an old friend has turned a romantic episode from his past into a popular novel? A: the acknowledgments; Q: Where did John O'Hurley fail to credit Frasier in his novel? A: the writer's apology; Q: What does Frasier try to get closure from? A: Constance Towers; Q: Who was the woman who wrote the book about Frasier? Summary: Frasier is shocked and offended to learn that an old friend (John O'Hurley) has turned a romantic episode from Frasier's past into a popular novel but did not credit him in the acknowledgments. When the writer's apology fails to provide the closure he seeks, Frasier tracks down the woman concerned, his former piano teacher (Constance Towers).
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] Woman: (V.O.) This won't help, don't you see? After me, there'll be others. You'll have to go on killing, on and on until they catch you. I won't be the last; ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WONDERLAND THEATRE - NIGHT] Woman: (on screen) ... there'll be others after me. You can't help yourself because you're mad, mad, mad! (A cell phone rings.) Man: (on screen) No one will question you. They'll say it's just another suicide. (The cell phone rings.) Woman: (on screen) Hello? (A cell phone rings.) Woman: (on screen) Hello?! (The cell phone continues to ring and is irritating the other members of the audience.) Audience: (irritated) Shh! Man In Audience: (loud whisper) Turn it off! (The cell phone rings.) (The USHER walks into the theatre and starts looking for the person with the cell phone.) Woman: (on screen) Burgess! Burgess! (The phone on the screen hangs up.) Woman: (on screen) Burgess! (The cell phone in the audience continues to ring.) Woman: (screams) Burgess! (The USHER finds the MAN sitting in his seat with the cell phone clutched in his left hand and approaches him from one row behind.) (From on screen comes the sound of glass shattering.) Usher: (to the man) Excuse me, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to turn the phone off. (The USHER gets no response from the MAN.) Usher: Sir? I'll have to ... (The USHER taps the MAN on the shoulder and he slumps forward, blood oozing out from his mouth and into his popcorn.) (The cell phone continues to ring.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WONDERLAND THEATRE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the theatre.) Catherine: Whoo! Theaters are like nightclubs; they should always keep the lights off. (They walk toward the body still sitting in the theatre seat.) Grissom: This is the last art house left in Vegas. I saw Baraka here, on a double bill with Koyaanisqatsi. Catherine: Was there anyone else here? Grissom: Sure. Catherine: With you? Grissom: No. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk through the rows and reach the body. GRISSOM is standing one row behind the body and CATHERINE is in the same row as the body. GRISSOM puts his kit down and both lean over to look at the body.) (Inspired by the venue, BRASS stands on the other side of the body and starts reciting the victim information as if he were a private eye in a 1940's black and white movie; his voice as smooth as silk.) Brass: Thursday night is noir night. The poor sap was slumped over like a sack of potatoes, oozing blood like a broken bottle of ketchup. (BRASS puts his pretend cigarette to his lips and takes a puff. If he had a hat on, he'd tilt it. GRISSOM looks at BRASS. CATHERINE looks at BRASS.) (BRASS looks at them both, takes a deep breath and continues to recite information in his usual manner.) Brass: His name is Gus Sugarman. Runs a dental practice in Henderson. Cell phone went off three times during the movie. So, the usher finally came over to shut him up. Catherine: Yeah, somebody beat him to it. (GRISSOM looks down at the wound at the back of the victim's neck.) Grissom: Single puncture wound to the base of the skull. Catherine: And nobody saw anything? (Everyone straightens and looks around the theatre.) Grissom: They were watching the movie. Dark room. Loud music. Four exits. Everybody looking the other way. Catherine: Professional killer? Grissom: (shrugs) ... or a movie buff. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WONDERLAND THEATRE -- NIGHT] (ROBBINS is in the theatre with GRISSOM and CATHERINE. All are standing around the victim seated in the theatre chair. GRISSOM is looking at the wound at the back of the victim's neck and arguing with ROBBINS.) Robbins: It was "Build My Gallows High", with Robert Mitchum, 1947. Grissom: (shakes his head) It was "Out of the Past", with Robert Mitchum and Jane Greer. Robbins: ... and Kirk Douglas. Trust me, the book was "Build My Gallows High". Catherine: (interrupting) Mr. Siskel, Mr. Ebert, may I have a Cause of Death, please? (ROBBINS leans over and looks at the wound.) Robbins: Puncture wound is small. Not a knife. Seems like it penetrated all the way to the brain stem, and there's some bruising around the mouth. Grissom: Well, the killer could have stood over him, placed his hand over his mouth, stabbed him in the back of the head. (Quick flashback to: The killer puncturing something into the back of the victim's neck. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: Didn't Telly Savalas do that in "The Dirty Dozen"? Grissom: Anthony Quinn did it, too, in "Guns of Navaronne". Robbins: Right. Catherine: Well, what movie did you see this in? (CATHERINE shines the flashlight at the other side of the victim's neck. Both ROBBINS and GRISSOM lean in to look where they see the abrasions and bruising.) Robbins: Looks like somebody ripped something off his neck. Grissom: Small patterns; could have been a chain, maybe, huh? (Quick flashback to: The killer grabbing the chain and ripping it from the victim's neck. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE starts looking on the floor.) Catherine: Or necklace. Oh! (She drops her flashlight and it starts rolling toward the front of the theatre.) Catherine: Butterfingers. (CATHERINE leaves the body to go get her flashlight.) (GRISSOM snaps a photograph of the cellphone then takes it out of the victim's grip.) Robbins: What'd you got? Grissom: Well, whoever called him didn't leave their number. (GRISSOM checks the list of calls received from the cell phone.) (Meanwhile, CATHERINE is a few rows in front of the victim where her flashlight stopped rolling. She looks down and finds the murder weapon, a screwdriver, next to the flashlight on the floor. She picks it up and holds it up to examine.) Catherine: (calls out) Hey! I wasn't the only one who dropped something tonight. (BRASS appears at the top of the theatre near the doorway.) Brass: (calls out) I got a witness. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WONDERLAND THEATRE - LOBBY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS and GRISSOM interview the witness.) Movie Goer: I only noticed 'cause she got up during the best part of the movie, right before the gunfight. Grissom: Is the gunfight loud? Movie Goer: Yeah. I mean it's not THX surround-sound. This was 1950 and mono optical track. (He chuckles, then stops when they don't laugh with him. He explains.) I like how loud this theater keeps it. Grissom: Perfect moment to do it. Cover up any noise the victim might make. Brass: You get a look at her? Movie Goer: I drove forty minutes to see this flick; my eyes were on the screen, but, uh, she was tall, not old ... a redhead. Grissom: Did she come back in? Movie Goer: No. And, uh ... (He looks around at the crowd of people outside the theatre.) Movie Goer: I-I don't see her here. Grissom: Did anyone see her coming into the lobby? Brass: Well, manager had left for the night. The usher who found the body had left before we got here. He had been smoking blunts. He was afraid we were going to bust him for marijuana. I'll be tweaking him when I call him for my statement. Movie Goer: If you ask me, anybody who leaves their phone on in a movie deserves to get stabbed in the head. Brass: That's why nobody ask you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WAREHOUSE -- DAY] (NICK, WARRICK and SARA get out of their cars and make their way past the gathering police cars. They head toward the warehouse and meet up with DET. O'RILEY.) Nick: Detective. O'Riley: Guys ... Warrick: Who called it in? (They walk under the crime scene tape toward DET. O'RILEY. The four of them walk toward the warehouse.) O'Riley: Passing motorist heard gunshots. First officer did a drive up. Found the scene. Called in the world. I hope you brought extra supplies. Sara: Why's that? O'Riley: You're gonna be here awhile. (DET. O'RILEY opens the warehouse door. The CSIs look at the scene inside in amazement. In the middle of the empty warehouse is the body lying face down on the floor. The walls are riddled with bullet holes that are visible with the sunlight streaming in through them.) Nick: Looks like a war zone. [INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (They walk inside toward the body.) Warrick: We got an I.D. On the body? O'Riley: No cash, no I.D., just a driver's permit. Warrick: Driver's permit. (WARRICK leans forward and looks at the body.) Sara: What is he, 16? O'Riley: Fifteen-and-a-half. Timmy McCallum. Coroner's on his way. Warrick: (to O'RILEY) Tell them to watch their step. There's casings and blood everywhere. (WARRICK stands up and turns around to SARA and NICK.) Warrick: Divide and conquer. Inside or outside? Sara: Outside perimeter. (SARA heads outside.) Nick: I'm Dennis Rodman. (NICK turns and walks out. WARRICK turns back toward the body.) Warrick: I'll take everything below the knees. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (Camera close up of the screwdriver found in the theatre. GREG is holding the screwdriver and looking at it with JACQUI FRANCO and CATHERINE.) Greg: Question is not what we're going to find on the murder weapon; question is what isn't on it. (beat) The sticky substance? Catherine: Soda. Jacqui Franco: Yellow crumbs? Catherine: Popcorn. Greg: Carpet fibers. Catherine: It wasn't the cleanest theater in the world. I just want to match the blood to our victim. Jacqui Franco: And you want to know if there's a recoverable print. Catherine: Uh-huh. (GREG and JACQUI look at each other. CATHERINE smiles at the two lab techs in front of her.) Greg: You want to race? Jacqui Franco: What's the bet? Greg: (thoughtfully) Hmm ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (JACQUI carefully takes the substances stuck on the screwdriver off, cleaning it as much as she can. She opens the plastic fume container, then adds a couple of drops to the dish. she puts the dish on the heater and the screwdriver inside the container. She replaces the fume hood on the container and lets the fumes cover the screwdriver. She walks away.) (Camera close up as the prints appear on the screwdriver.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- DAY] (Camera opens on a NEVADA DRIVER'S LICENSE with the following information.) R360021 (GUS SUG)ARMAN -ALLE MATRIA (LAS VEG)AS, NV 89233 RESTR: NONE WEIGHT: 185 HAIR: BRN EYES: BRN EXPIRATION DATE: 9/02/05 ] Archie: Is that our guy? (ARCHIE looks at GRISSOM who sits next to him looking at the monitor. GRISSOM nods.) Archie: Phone company unblocked all his private numbers for us. Grissom: They can do that now? (ARCHIE looks at GRISSOM and smiles.) Archie: Yeah. (The monitor shows the list of calls.) On the left side of the screen are the outgoing calls. On the right, the incoming. What time did the movie start? (GRISSOM looks at the paper.) Grissom: Ten-forty. Archie: Last outgoing call your vic made was at 10:38. 555-0110. Twenty-six seconds. Grissom: That sounds like a no answer. (ARCHIE highlights the two calls from the list: .10 4/10 - 11:26 Las Vegas, NV 555-0110 4/10 - 11:27 Las Vegas, NV 555-0110 4/10 - 11:28 Las Vegas, NV 555-0110 ) Archie: Yeah, but 555-0110 was the number that called him three times in a row: 11:26, 11:27 and 11:28. Someone needed to talk to him pretty bad. Grissom: Yeah, well, he was already dead by then. Archie: Dr. Robbins was that accurate with the T.O.D.? Grissom: That's when the gunfire erupted. Archie: There was gunfire? Grissom: In the movie. I'll need an address for that number. (GRISSOM stands up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WAREHOUSE -- DAY] (NICK stands in the middle of the warehouse and looks at the bullet-riddled walls with the sunlight streaming through them.) (Cut to: NICK starts to mark every bullet hole with a marker rod.) (Dissolve to: NICK stands on a ladder and continues to mark the bullet holes with marker rods. He's about halfway done with the first wall.) (Dissolve to: NICK stands on the ladder and continues to mark bullet holes. He's about three-quarters done with the first wall.) (Dissolve to: NICK stands on the ladder and nearly finishes the first wall.) (Cut to: WARRICK picks up a beer bottle and pours its contents into a container. It's the first of many beer bottles. He caps the container and marks it. He puts the empty beer bottle into a package.) [EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (SARA takes pictures of the tire treadmarks on the road.) (Cut to: SARA walks the warehouse perimeter and finds prints on the ground. She takes pictures of those also.) (Cut to: SARA finds a wooden ladder to the roof of the warehouse leaning against the wall. She looks up where she sees the end of a long bamboo pole sticking out the side of the rooftop.) [INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK has evidence markers on the ground next to each of the bullet shell casings that he finds. He kneels down and puts marker #40 down. He looks around.) (WARRICK takes a step over some markers and puts marker #63 down on the ground. Behind him, the coroner's office carries the body.) (Dissolve to: WARRICK puts down evidence markers #68 & #69 down on the ground. Behind him, the coroner's office wheels out the victim's body on a gurney.) (Cut to: WARRICK puts down evidence markers #96 and #97 down on the ground. He looks around for more bullet casings.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (SARA walks into the warehouse carrying a very long bamboo pole. NICK is on the ladder and finishing up the final wall.) Sara: Hey, guys. What do you make of this piece of bamboo? I found it on the roof. Nick: Bag it. Sara: That's funny. Very funny. (WARRICK sees something in the middle of the warehouse floor. It looks like small pieces of glass. He walks in for a closer look.) (SARA look up and notices something in the ceiling.) Sara: Did you get the hole in the roof? (NICK also looks up at the ceiling.) Nick: You find anything else up there? Sara: No. Warrick: Got some shards of glass. Clear in color. (WARRICK holds up a piece of glass and puts it in a container.) Mixed with small pieces of black plastic. (WARRICK picks up a piece of black plastic and puts it in a Warrick: You almost finished with that? What's your count? Nick: Yeah. 109 rods. Warrick: 109 bullets? Nick: How in the world do trajectories occur 15 to 20 feet off the ground? Horizontally? Sara: What in the hell went on here? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HILDEN RESIDENCE -- DAY] (The front door opens.) Grissom: Audrey Hilden? Audrey Hilden: Yes. Catherine: We're with the Las Vegas crime lab. Do you know a Gus Sugarman? Audrey Hilden: Why don't you come inside. Please. (GRISSOM glances at the driveway behind them. He and CATHERINE enter the residence.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HILDEN RESIDENCE - DAY --CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview AUDREY HILDEN in her living room.) Audrey Hilden: He was my dentist. That's terrible. He'd asked me to go to the movies, and I said yes, but ... it was a late show, and I had to get up early for work. Catherine: Well, we know that Dr. Sugarman called you at home two minutes before the movie started, and that you didn't pick up. Audrey Hilden: I was screening. I figured he'd get my message. Grissom: And why did you call him three times in a row, 40 minutes later? Audrey Hilden: I felt bad standing him up. I called to apologize. I figured I'd get his voice mail, but when I didn't, I tried again. Catherine: And you were here alone? Audrey Hilden: Yes. Catherine: Can anyone verify that? Audrey Hilden: (shakes her head) Why? (The phone rings. AUDREY HILDEN doesn't move to answer it.) Catherine: Still screening? (AUDREY HILDEN looks at CATHERINE then moves toward her telephone where she turns the volume down just as the answering machine kicks on.) (GRISSOM walks around and examines the surroundings. He sees an April calendar for the Wonderland Theatre pinned to her bulletin board.) (AUDREY HILDEN moves to stand between GRISSOM and the theatre calendar he's interested in.) Grissom: Do you see a lot of movies at the art house theater? Audrey Hilden: Sure. I love old movies. Grissom: I see they recently had a Hitchcock retrospective. Audrey Hilden: I prefer French new wave. If you'll excuse me now, I have to go to work. Catherine: We'll be in touch. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE move to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (ROBBINS pulls the sheet on the body down to show WARRICK the victim's torso and the purple bruises on it. They both lean in to examine them.) Warrick: Geez, what was this kid, tortured? Robbins: Couple of fractured ribs. Deep purple contusions of the presternal chest wall. Each one around two inches in diameter. I stopped counting around nine. Warrick: What do you think could've done this? Baseball bat? Robbins: It's hard to tell. Whatever it was, it had a great deal of velocity. Warrick: Yeah. Robbins: Cause of Death: Single gunshot to the chest. No evidence of gunshot residue. Warrick: Shot from a distance. Robbins: Yeah. (WARRICK picks up a rod and inserts it into the bullet hole to see the angle.) Warrick: And at a downward angle ... it's, uh ... it's about 25 degrees. He was shot from above. (Quick flashback to: TIMMY McCALLUM is having a beer with his friend. Someone stands at the top of the warehouse and shoots. It hits TIMMY. End of flashback. Resume to present. Warrick: Rooftop angle is 45 degrees. This is 25 degrees? It's impossible. Robbins: If that's the case, he was shot by somebody 10 to 15 feet tall. Warrick: What else you got? Robbins: Scabbing abrasions on the elbows, the back and kneecaps. (ROBBINS lifts the sheet to expose the victim's right leg.) Robbins: Looks to be harmless "boys will be boys" stuff. Warrick: There's nothing harmless about death. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the lab.) Catherine: (smiling) Don't tell me -- Greg won the bet. (JACQUI FRANCO turns around to look at them. On her head, she's wearing GREG'S "swami" turban.) Jacqui Franco: The blood on the screwdriver definitely belongs to your victim. It was incredible how fast he got me back the results. I don't know how he does it. (disgusted) Now I got to wear this stupid thing all day. (Behind her, there's a knock on the glass. JACQUI turns to look. It's GREG. He smiles and waves at her.) Jacqui Franco: (disgruntled) Oh, look at him, hovering. Making sure I still have it on. (to GRISSOM) Do us all a favor and get him out in the field, will you, he's going stir crazy in here. Grissom: Jacqui, do you have anything for us? Jacqui Franco: A palm print. Catherine: (chuckles) Oh, great. Let's, uh, go back to Audrey's and see if we have a match. Jacqui Franco: Not quite. (JACQUI turns the laptop monitor toward them to show them close-up pictures of the prints on the screwdriver.) Jacqui Franco: Look at the ridges. Grissom: Too consistent. (The pictures of the prints on the screwdriver change.) Looks like fine grain. Jacqui Franco: Leather. Killer wore gloves. (GRISSOM looks at JACQUI.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (BRASS walks up to GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Brass: Okay ... here's what's happening -- three months ago, Audrey Hilden filed a sexual malpractice suit against our Dr. Sugarman. The suit claims that she was molested while she was under anesthesia. Catherine: And she was going on a date with this guy? Brass: Yeah. Sugarman counter-sued. He's represented by big-time attorneys, so she backed down. Grissom: Well, a screwdriver's cheaper than an attorney. Brass: (chuckles) Yeah. Well, uh, there's more. Remember the usher who likes to smoke the chronic? He claims he saw a redheaded woman make a phone call halfway through the movie, so I'm going to check it out. (BRASS turns to leave.) Brass: Want to tag along? (GRISSOM glances at CATHERINE. They both follow BRASS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA prints the bamboo rod round at the warehouse rooftop.) Warrick: (o.s.) This where the limbo party is? (SARA looks up toward the door and sees WARRICK standing outside just beyond the crime scene tape SARA stuck across the door.) Warrick: Can I come in? (WARRICK ducks under the tape and enters the room.) Sara: Yeah. Sorry, I don't let everyone in here. Warrick: Well, I've got your one-to-ones. The tire treads, there's nothing specific here. Sara: Bummer. Warrick: But the shoe prints that you took, they look interesting. It looks like five suspects walked in, and four ran out. (WARRICK shows her the photograph of the shoe prints taken from the ground outside the warehouse. They're marked and color-coded on the photograph.) Sara: Four guilty people out there somewhere. Warrick: No doubt. How's it coming with your big bamboo here? Sara: Well, I have black lung from all the powder, and not a single print, nothing, nada. Warrick: You test for GSR? The place was riddled with bullets-- it wouldn't hurt. Sara: (agrees) Wouldn't hurt. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (WARRICK and SARA test the bamboo for GSR.) Sara: Nothing. Warrick: Maybe this has nothing to do with the case. Maybe it was just a piece of debris left at the scene. Sara: (rejects that notion immediately) No, no. I-I'm not quitting. No. I am in too deep. (SARA picks up the bamboo and heads out the door. WARRICK ducks under the tape to stand in the hallway looking out at SARA'S retreating back.) [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] Warrick: Where you going? Sara: (calling out) Trace. Maybe Hodges can find something. (SARA nearly pokes a TECH in the gut with the bamboo. He dodges her.) Sara: (warning) Oh, coming through. Lab Tech: Whoa! Sara: Careful, people. Easy. (The LAB TECH heads for WARRICK.) Lab Tech: Hey, Brown. PD called. Mrs. McCallum's there. Warrick: The mother. Tell them I'm on my way. (The LAB TECH leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WONDERLAND THEATRE - LOBBY] (BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview the USHER.) Usher: I was getting myself a soda. You know, we're allowed to do that. A tall redhead came out of the theater, and then she made a phone call from over there. (He indicates the pay phone on the side of the lobby. They all turn to look at the phone.) (Quick flashback to: The Tall Redhead walks out of the theatre and heads for the phone. She picks up the receiver. The USHER turns and notices her as he takes a drink of his soda. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (They all turn back to the USHER.) Brass: From the pay phone? (BRASS looks at GRISSOM who doesn't say anything.) Brass: What? I ... what? I'm on it. I'm on it. (BRASS leaves.) Catherine: Did you happen to notice if she was wearing gloves? Usher: Yeah, she was, actually. I thought it was really weird, 'cause it's, like, seventy in here. Grissom: Did you notice anything else? Usher: No. She just threw something in the trash and headed out. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE head for the trash can near the pay phone. GRISSOM lifts the cover of the can and they both look inside. GRISSOM and CATHERINE turn to look at the USHER who knows that the can is empty.) Usher: (explains) The cleaning crew's in the theater now. They got a late start 'cause of you guys. (CATHERINE heads for the theater. GRISSOM replaces the cover back on the can and follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WONDERLAND THEATRE - MAIN THEATRE -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE enters the theatre. She walks up to the older cleaning woman.) Catherine: Excuse me. (The CLEANING WOMAN looks up.) Catherine: What happened to the garbage that was in the can in the lobby? Cleaning Woman: Well, it's already been bagged up, but it should be around here somewhere. (Inside one of the seating rows, the Younger Cleaning Woman cleans off one of the seats. She's wearing a pair of expensive-looking leather gloves. GRISSOM walks into the theatre and immediately notices her.) Grissom: Excuse me. Where'd you get those gloves? (The Younger Cleaning Woman looks at the Older Cleaning Woman.) Cleaning Woman: (answers) If it's garbage, it's hers. They let us keep whatever we find as long as it's been thrown out. (GRISSOM takes out some money.) Grissom: I'll tell you what -- I'll buy you a new pair of gloves. (He holds out three bills to her. The Younger Cleaning Woman looks at the Older Cleaning Woman. She nods her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG is working in his lab and singing softly to himself. He appears to be extremely bored. Behind him, we can see NICK heading toward GREG. He manages to hear the last part of GREG'S song.) Greg: 99 bottles of beer on the wall / 99 bottles of beer / you swab one down / run it through CODIS / 98 bottles of beer on the wall. Nick: Whatever happened to "take one down, pass it around"? That's the best part. Greg: You know us lab rats have to do something to get through the day. Nick: I know, I just dumped a sack of bullets on Bobby Dawson. So, why don't you sing me a tune I want to hear? Greg: Well ... how about. Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. He ain't heavy ... (NICK shakes his head slightly.) ... He's my brother ... Nick: DNA? From the beer bottles? Greg: Five different donors -- two of them are related. Donor number one, Tim McCallum, the victim; donor number two, his relative, most likely a brother. (GREG hands NICK the results.) Greg: No telling if he's heavy or not. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (WARRICK interviews MRS. McCALLUM and her son, KEVIN McCALLUM.) Warrick: I'm very sorry for your loss, Mrs. McCallum. (She nods. WARRICK turns to look at KEVIN.) Are you Timmy's brother? (KEVIN McCALLUM slowly raises his head to look at WARRICK. But before he can say anything, his mother answers.) Mrs. McCallum: (answers) Yeah. (KEVIN turns to look at his mom.) Mrs. McCallum: (to WARRICK) Kevin's the only son I have left. Warrick: We were able to identify Timmy by the driver's permit that we found at the scene. Had he been driving long? Mrs. McCallum: A few months. I know that law says you're supposed to have an adult present, but I work graveyard. Kevin usually drives with him. Warrick: What kind of car does Timmy drive? Mrs. McCallum: We have a mini-van. It's more safe. Warrick: (to MRS. McCALLUM) This is an ongoing investigation, so we are going to need to see that vehicle. (MRS. McCALLUM nods. To KEVIN) Do you ever drive the mini-van, Kevin? Kevin McCallum: Sometimes, yeah. Warrick: Did you drive Timmy to the warehouse the other night? Kevin McCallum: No. Mrs. McCallum: What warehouse? Warrick: We have reason to believe that Kevin was at the warehouse that night. We found his DNA on some beer bottles. Mrs. McCallum: (surprised) Beer? (she turns to her son) Kevin ... Kevin McCallum: Mom ... I bought beer for Timmy. I don't do it all the time. He begged me. He ... he said he was going out partying with some friends. (Quick flashback to: KEVIN passes the six pack to TIMMY through the car window. He grabs a bottle for himself.) Kevin McCallum: If mom catches you with these, you didn't get them from me. Timmy McCallum: Bro, there's one missing. Kevin McCallum: I got thirsty. (KEVIN takes a sip and passes the open bottle to TIMMY. TIMMY turns away and KEVIN drives off.) Kevin McCallum: Later, freak. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Kevin McCallum: I took a sip-- I gave him the rest of the 12-pack. Sorry, mom. Mrs. McCallum: Mr. Brown, I don't know what to say. I'm a single mother ... I work nights, and you can't keep your eyes on your kids all the time. At a certain age, you just have to trust them. Warrick: I understand. We are going to need to keep Kevin here to ask him some more questions about that night. Do you object? Mrs. McCallum: N-no. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE -- NIGHT] (HODGES looks up from the scope.) Hodges: Spiral gouges. Check it out. (He moves aside for SARA to see. SARA looks through the scope.) Sara: From tip to tip. What do you think caused these marks? Hodges: Give me more time -- I'm not a miracle worker. Sara: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude. Hodges: I wasn't being "rude", I was being "curt". "Rude" would be, "When I know, you'll know." (beat) Friends? (HODGES smiles sarcastically at SARA. SARA shakes her head.) Sara: (smiling tightly) No. (WARRICK walks into the lab.) Warrick: (easily) Hodges, how's it coming with that glass? (HODGES taps another scope indicating that WARRICK look and see. WARRICK looks at the scope.) Warrick: Looks like there's some kind of coating on it. Hodges: More specifically, crystallized calcium fluoride. (SARA looks at the scope.) Sara: You ran it through the I.R.? Hodges: Please. I.R. says "fluorspar". I say "high-end optics". Sara: Camera lens. Warrick: You think someone has this murder on tape? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE confer with BRASS.) Catherine: So, the gloves match the palm print on the murder weapon as well as the pay phone in the theater lobby. Unfortunately, there was no epithelials inside the gloves because the cleaning woman had ammonia on her hands. Brass: Ah, I see. Well, according to this, a phone call was made from the theater lobby to Audrey's home at 11:25. (GRISSOM holds up another phone listing.) Grissom: Well, Audrey called Dr. Sugarman's cell from her home at 11:26. Catherine: Well, obviously, she didn't make it home in one minute. Brass: We're looking for someone else. Grissom: The mysterious redhead in the theater? Brass: Maybe Audrey hired a pro who called up to say, uh, "It's done." Catherine: Well, if she couldn't afford a powerful attorney, how did she pay for a hit man? Grissom: Hit woman. Brass: Why don't we ask her? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HILDEN RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH -- NIGHT] (BRASS knocks on the front door.) (He pauses and listens.) Brass: You hear that? Phone's off the hook. (BRASS knocks on the door again. When there's no answer, he tries the door. It's locked. He starts looking around.) Brass: There must be another way in. (BRASS leaves the front porch.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HILDEN RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (With his weapon in hand, BRASS pushes the partially opened sliding door open and walks into the residence. CATHERINE and GRISSOM follow. The telephone is off the hook and is beeping.) (As they walk in, they notice the phone on the counter.) (They walk into the living room and find AUDREY HILDEN hanging suspended in the middle of the living room from a cord tied from around her neck to the second story banister.) Catherine: She used an extension cord and tied it to the railing and must have jumped off. (GRISSOM looks down and notices a chain on the floor. He cautiously picks it up to look at it. BRASS phones it in.) Brass: (to phone) (b.g.) Yeah, this is Brass. I got a DB. (pause) Yeah. (beat) Well ... (Quick flashback to: GUS SUGARMAN sits in the theatre, dead. The killer reaches out and rips the chain from his neck. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM holds up the chain and looks at it.) Catherine: Our only suspect apparently commits suicide. (beat) Convenient. Grissom: (agrees) Too convenient. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HILDEN RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM examines the marks on the victim's neck.) Grissom: (loudly) Catherine ... she's got a whole 'nother set of horizontal marks on her neck, below the cord. And postmortem bruising. I think she was strangled first and then hanged. (Quick flashback to: AUDREY HILDEN fights off her attacker who has a firm hold on her neck. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM continues to examine the body. This time paying close attention to the victim's feet and legs.) (CATHERINE is on the second floor looking around.) Catherine: No signs of a break-in ... or a struggle. She may have been killed by someone she knew. Grissom: She was dragged. She's got carpet fibers on her heels. (Quick flashback to: The killer drags AUDREY HILDEN across the floor. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Yeah, she was dragged over here, tied off and shoved over. (Quick flashback to: The killer lifts up AUDREY HILDEN and pushes her over the second floor balcony. AUDREY never hits the floor, her body jerks as it reaches the end of the short cord. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM holds up his flashlight and looks at something in particular across the room. CATHERINE joins GRISSOM and notices his intent on something.) Catherine: You got something? (GRISSOM indicates the now empty section of the bulletin board with a thumbtack that has a bit of pink paper stuck underneath. He stares at it.) Grissom: When we were here earlier, there was a movie schedule pinned up there that had a handwritten note on it. I'm not sure she wanted me to see it. Now it's gone. Catherine: Maybe she threw it away. (CATHERINE walks over to the trash can in the room and checks it. The playbill isn't there. (Cut to: GRISSOM pushes the bathroom door open and turns on the light. He checks the trash can and notices the water on the floor near the toilet bowl. He checks the toilet bowl and notices that it's clogged.) (GRISSOM takes the plunger and unclogs the bowl. He sticks his hand in the water and pulls out a crumpled pink paper. He checks it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT] (WARRICK checks the tire tracks taken from the warehouse to the tires of the McCALLUM'S mini-van. He puts the clear plastic tracks over the tire.) Warrick: Venus and Serena. Perfect match. (Cut to: WARRICK opens the door and checks the inside of the mini-van. He finds the torn beer carton that bears the price tag: "JENKO LIQUOR" 10.29.) (He checks the door and notices red pots. He checks it and it turns dark pink.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INVERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (DET. O'RILEY sits at the table with KEVIN McCALLUM.) Kevin McCallum: Timmy's 15, I'm 18. He's got his friends, I got my friends. We don't do the same things. We don't hang together. O'Riley: Evidence says you were there. You want to go down for suspicion of murder? (KEVIN McCALLUM sighs.) [OBSERVATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS] O'Riley: (over speaker) Or you want to stop digging your own grave? Nick: Just talked to Bobby Dawson. All the bullets came from the same gun: Nine-millimeter semi-automatic. How's this going? Warrick: I found a 12-pack container in the McCallum minivan. Sales slip said "Jenko Liquors." Nick: I'll check the surveillance, see if we can get some footage of this guy. (In the Interview Room, NICK watches as KEVIN McCALLUM shifts and brings his left hand up to show a blood stain on his shirt.) Nick: What is that on his elbow? SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (KEVIN McCALLUM looks up at NICK and WARRICK both standing next to the table watching him.) Kevin McCallum: It's just a scab. Got it skateboarding. Nick: Can we see it? (KEVIN sighs.) Warrick: Peel it back. (KEVIN takes off the bandage and shows the cut. It doesn't look like it came from skateboarding. It looks like he was grazed by a bullet.) Warrick: Skateboarding? Why don't you stand up and take off your shirt. Kevin McCallum: Don't you guys need a warrant for that? O'Riley: We get a warrant, and we're going to strip you down to nothing, then ask you to bend over-- choose. (Not liking the sound of that option, KEVIN exhales. He stands up and takes off his shirt to expose bruising on his body similar to those found on TIMMY.) Warrick: Geez, man, what happened to you? Turn around. (KEVIN turns around. The bruises are on his back as well.) Warrick: Those are the same markings your brother had. You want to tell us what went down here? Kevin McCallum: I can't talk about it. I'm sorry. Nick: Hey, listen, if-if you're the victim here, you can tell us. Okay? Warrick: Kevin, who did this to you, man? (KEVIN looks at him and doesn't say anything.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM work on the water-logged piece of paper.) Catherine: Well, there's an awful lot of water damage, but, um ... there's some kind of an impression. Grissom: Well, maybe this will bring it up. (GRISSOM puts the paper under the machine. The computer beeps and whirs. The schedule appears on the monitor. GRISSOM focuses on the writing right above Alfred Hitchcock's, "Strangers On A Train".) Grissom: It's written above "Strangers On A Train" Catherine: (echoes) "Strangers On A Train." Is that the one with the perfect murder? Grissom: Two strangers meet on a train, make a pact to get rid of each other's problems. They figure since neither has a motive for the killings, they won't be caught. Catherine: Life imitating art? Grissom: In the movie, Robert Walker kills Farley Granger's wife. Granger didn't think he was serious, so when he refuses to kill walker's father, walker goes after him. Catherine: So if Audrey is Farley Granger ... Grissom: Who's playing Robert Walker's part? (GRISSOM turns back to the monitor and works on clearing up the writing on the schedule.) Catherine: "Sphere E4-117." Well, that's got to be the Sphere Hotel. Grissom: It's not a hotel room, though. Catherine: Locker, safety deposit box ... Grissom: ... parking space, maybe. Catherine: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SHOW -- NIGHT] (BRASS, CATHERINE and GRISSOM question the show's manager. BRASS holds out a photograph of the victim.) Anthony Haines: Audrey who? Brass: Hilden. Anthony Haines: Naw. I never heard of her. What's this about? Catherine: E4-117. Your assigned parking space. It was written on a movie schedule we found in Ms. Hilden's home. Anthony Haines: Well, look, I meet a lot of women. She a dancer? She work for me before? (A showgirl walks past the group and into the dressing room.) Anthony Haines: (to MICHELLE) Hey, Michelle. Mmm! (He whacks MICHELLE on her butt as she passes by. This gets a reaction from CATHERINE.) Anthony Haines: I'll tell you guys something: This show is very hot, all the chicks want to be in it, and actually, they, uh, got to go through me. (GRISSOM sees something interesting to him inside the dressing room and walks in without a word to anyone.) Brass: Ever been to the Art House Movie Theater? Anthony Haines: No. Where's that? Catherine: Have you ever seen any Hitchcock movies? (from outside) "Strangers On a Train"? (GRISSOM sees the exact same WONDERLAND THEATRE schedule stuck on the mirror.) Brass: (from outside) Alfred Hitchcock? Grissom: Mr. Haines? (GRISSOM points to the station with the movie schedule.) Whose station is this one? (He sticks his head in through the doorway.) Anthony Haines: Oh, that's Kelly Goodson's. Royal pain in the ass. (He turns back to BRASS and CATHERINE. GRISSOM moves along and starts looking around the dressing room. In the background the show music starts.) (GRISSOM looks inside the open locker and finds a business card for "Langly & Langly" / Attorneys at Law.) (The dancers walk back into the dressing room. GRISSOM looks up and notices some creams and tubes on the top shelf of the locker.) Kelly Goodson: Can I help you? That's my locker. Grissom: It was open. Kelly Goodson: You always snoop through other people's things? (KELLY GOODSON turns to her dressing station and takes off her red wig. She puts it on the wig stand. GRISSOM watches her.) Grissom: I'm with the crime lab. I'm a professional snoop. Do you, uh ... ever wear that wig en you go out? (KELLY GOODSON turns back to her locker and takes out the tube and small container of cream. She sits back down in the chair in front of her station.) Kelly Goodson: I never get to go out. Two shows a night, three on weekends. Why? You have something in mind? Grissom: Do you like the movies? I, uh, noticed you have an art house theater schedule on your mirror. Kelly Goodson: Yeah, I've been there a few times. Grissom: Ever seen "Strangers On a Train"? (She pauses to think about it, then shakes her head. She looks up at GRISSOM.) Kelly Goodson: No. Is it any good? Grissom: Yeah, it's good. (He watches her put the cream on her hands and rub her hands together.) You use a lot of creams, huh? (She raises her leg straight up to the ceiling and starts putting cream on her leg.) Kelly Goodson: Sixteen shows a week in these shoes, your legs would be killing you, too. Grissom: Is that your own recipe? Kelly Goodson: What was it you said you do for a living? Grissom: I'm a scientist. Kelly Goodson: (looks at GRISSOM and hints) And, um, I'm up in five minutes, so ... you mind? Grissom: No. I don't mind. (GRISSOM doesn't move. KELLY GOODSON reaches behind her and unsnaps her top.) (Brassy music in background ends with a flourish.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA is behind the computer, typing. WARRICK rushes into the lab and takes the seat next to her.) Warrick: I'm sorry I'm late. What bullet are you on? Sara: 109, finally. Height, distance, angle. This has been a very laborious shift. Are you in the mood for a light show? Warrick: Yeah, hook it up. (SARA runs the computer program and for the brief moment, it shows the trajectory of all the bullets at random intervals.) Warrick: The trajectory is all pointing in one uniform area. Looks like some kind of a pole. Sara: Or a bamboo stick. (WARRICK gives a weary laugh.) Warrick: The whole case has been like this. It's like you can't wrap your head around it, you know? Sara: A bamboo cane with black swirls descending downward, no GSR, 109 rods, 109 bullets, all fired from the same gun. Warrick: Camera glass, blood droplets everywhere, DNA that says five people were there, one boy's dead, one boy's injured, and he ain't sayin' nothin' ... (sighs) Is this the end of the road? Sara: Forensically? (She turns to look at WARRICK) Sara: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (NICK runs into SARA in the hallway as she comes down the stairs.) Sara: Hey. Nick: Hey, Sara, I was just coming to get you. Surveillance footage from Jenko liquor. Archie just put together some black-and-white stills. Check it out. Kevin, the older brother, buying beer. (NICK hands SARA a photograph of KEVIN in the liquor store purchasing the beer at the counter. In the back aisle is a boy bending over, his back to the camera. The date and time stamp on the bottom of the picture reads: 04/02/03 Sara: Looks like he wasn't alone. Nick: No, you're right. He had four other friends with him, including Timmy. (NICK hands SARA a second photograph of TIMMY at the soda fountain filling up a cup. He has his eye on the counter, a big smile on his face as he tries not to get caught. Date and Time stamp on the bottom of the picture reads: 04/02/03 Nick: And here you go. (NICK shows SARA the third photo of two boys in the back of the store causing a commotion while the third boy holds a pack of beer. Both NICK and SARA chuckle at the photo.) Nick: It's a classic distraction technique. Did it many times. You go in with a group of buddies and you cause a little ruckus. Sara: Store owner gets flustered. He wants the kids out of his store. So, he sells them the beer, even though they're underage, and of course they drink it. Nick: Well, you know about the camera glass Warrick found, right? That means someone has this all on tape. I say we track down the other kids, see which one of them thinks he's Tarantino. (SARA and NICK both walk away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM empties the paper package onto his desk. Boxes of different creams drop out. CATHERINE walks into the office and takes a seat on the other side of the desk.) Catherine: So, get this -- Anthony Haines had a sexual harassment suit filed against him recently. Grissom: There's a lot of that going around. Catherine: Uh-huh, from one of the showgirls. Grissom: Kelly Goodson? Catherine: She claims that he threatened to fire her if she didn't perform certain sexual favors. Grissom: You know, she had a business card in her locker -- Langly & Langly, Attorneys-at-law. It'd be interesting to find out ... Catherine: ... if Audrey hired the same firm? She did. Grissom: So, they liked the same movies ... they had the same problem ... and they hired the same lawyer? (CATHERINE looks at the creams on GRISSOM'S desk and asks.) Catherine: Knees bothering you? (GRISSOM picks up the evidence bag with the extension cord in it.) Grissom: The extension cord used to strangle Audrey Hilden. (He puts it aside and picks up another evidence bag.) Grissom: The dentist's gold chain. (He puts that one aside and shows CATHERINE another evidence bag.) Grissom: The murderer's gloves. Catherine: Well, any physical evidence on those gloves would've been compromised by the ammonia. Grissom: Only on the inside; not necessarily the outside. You use two hands to put on gloves. Catherine: You're looking for transfer. (GRISSOM holds up a notebook and looks at CATHERINE with anticipation.) Grissom: Special recipe. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (Two mannequins hands are set up on the counter. The leather gloves are put on the hands. GREG swabs the gloves and tests it. He works efficiently and methodically.) (GREG takes a swab from the extension cord.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (O'RILEY questions J.J.) J.J.: We go to the warehouse all the time ... just go there to party, talk about chicks. Sometimes we smoke out. O'Riley: You take off your shirt, please? (J.J. stands up and lifts up his shirt. He turns around. There are bruises on his torso.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (EARL turns around to show the bruises on his back and front. He puts his shirt down and sits down.) Earl: I ride BMX bikes ... play soccer. Man, I wake up with bruises. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (O'RILEY interviews ZACHARY.) Zachary: We were just messing around. O'Riley: I'm not. A kid's dead. Back to the question. How'd you get the shiner? (ZACHARY shakes his head and explains.) Zachary: JJ found a gun in north town. We were messing with it, shooting the walls. So, one night, I brought my hi-eight camera in, and one of the stray bullets shot my lens out. (Quick flashback to: ZACHARY holds the camera and films whatever he's looking at. A bullet breaks the lens and sends ZACHARY to the floor. End of flashback. Resume to present.) O'Riley: Who was the shooter? (ZACHARY chuckles wryly.) O'Riley: You can tell us and save yourself, or you can let the tape tell us. It's your call. (ZACHARY lifts up his head and looks at O'RILEY.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ON VIDEO TAPE] (KEVIN McCALLUM is looking directly at the camera and yelling.) Kevin McCallum: What up? My name's Kevin. These are my boys-- JJ, Earl, Zach, and my little bro Timmy, and this is called ... All: Speedway Surfing! (Cut to: ) [INT. CSI - LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (NICK, WARRICK and SARA sit behind the computer watching the video.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (O'RILEY interviews KEVIN McCALLUM.) Kevin McCallum: Timmy was a big fan of all those reality shows. You know, the "don't try this at home" stuff. We-we all watched it on tv. So, one day, we're bored. We started making up stunts on our own, trying to outdo each other. Speedway surfing ... that was my idea. INTERCUT WITH: (Back in the lab, NICK, SARA and WARRICK watch the video.) [ON VIDEO] (A red car races on the monitor. Kids are shouting and whooping it up. On the car hood, J.J. stands as if he's surfing.) kid: Come on, hit it! KID: Yeah! Whoo! (The car engine speeds.) kid: Whoo! [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA looks at NICK. WARRICK watches the monitor and shakes his head.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERVIEW ROOM] Kevin McCallum: We all did it. Some ate it bad. JJ bruised his tailbone. (KEVIN snorts at the memory.) Kevin McCallum: We were just messing around. [ON VIDEO] (JJ stands on the hood of the car as it speeds.) JJ: Whoo! (The other boys are in the car yelling with excitement.) (JJ looses his balance and falls off of the speeding car hood and onto the road.) [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA, NICK and WARRICK continue to watch the video. They can't believe what they're seeing.) [INT POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERVIEW ROOM] Kevin McCallum: Then Zach got the fever. Next day, he came up with one. [ON VIDEO] (The kids sit in front of the video.) Zach: The human ... All: ... 150-yard marker! (They laugh as they get ready. ZACH holds a golf club and the other kids put on football helmets.) [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA turns to look back at WARRICK.) [ON VIDEO] (ZACH puts the tee down and sets up the shot. The other kids stand in front with their hands cupping their most private parts. They wait for the ball to hit them.) Zach: Ready, boys? KID: Okay boy. KID: Fore! (The first shot hits TIMMY McCALLUM in the chest. He groans at the impact and goes down. Everyone laughs.) [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK shakes his head.) [INT POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERVIEW ROOM] Kevin McCallum: Then it came time for Timmy's turn. He stayed up all night ... and by morning, he had it. [ON VIDEO] (At the warehouse, TIMMY McCALLUM is in front of the camer with the other boys behind him as he explains his dare.) Timmy McCallum: (from video) Hi. My name is Timmy McCallum, and this is my debut stunt, so I'm really psyched. It's called ... bamboo russian roulette! (Quick flashback to: The kids playing Bamboo Russian Roulette in the warehouse. ZACH holds the camera as he films. KEVIN is up on the warehouse rooftop and looks down through the hole in the ceiling.) Kevin McCallum: You ready? Everyone: Whoo! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) [INT POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERVIEW ROOM] Kevin McCallum: (sadly) We did it a bunch of times. You know, we all took turns going up on the roof. We almost stopped when I got shot in the arm ... but we were drunk, and so ... ... we decided to try it one more time. (Quick flashback to: Inside the warehouse, the kids jump and circle around the bamboo pole as the gun fires and falls down the pole. Camera is on TIMMY as he skips around the bamboo pole. Gunfire is heard through the warehouse.) Everyone: Yeah! (There's more gun fire and kids whooping and laughing.) Everyone: Whoo! (KEVIN lets the gun go from the roof top. The gun fires. Some kids hunker down to avoid the bullets. One bullet hits ZACH, breaking his camera. He falls down. TIMMY is still standing and circling the pole. One bullet hits him square in the chest.) (From the roof, KEVIN sees TIMMY get shot.) (In slow motion, TIMMY falls to the floor. Judging by the camera angle, the camera is also on the floor and it's still recording.) [INT. CSI -- LAB] (On the monitor, TIMMY is on the ground.) [INT POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERVIEW ROOM] Kevin McCallum: He kept trying to breathe. I didn't know what to do. I came down from the roof. I went over to his side. I kept saying... "Come on, breathe, bro. You can't die on me, man." O'Riley: Why didn't you call an ambulance? Kevin McCallum: I didn't want to get in trouble. O'Riley: So, you just left him for dead? Kevin McCallum: It was an accident. It's not like we had a death wish. O'Riley: You sure about that? (KEVIN puts his head down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DRESSING ROOM -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM both sit on chairs and interview KELLY GOODSON.) Catherine: (to GRISSOM) Langly & Langly. (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE and nods. KELLY GOODSON watches the exchange and shakes her head in confusion.) Kelly Goodson: Mm. I'm sorry? Catherine: Oh, it's the law firm that both you and Audrey hired to deal with your problems -- Gus Sugarman and Anthony Haines. Kelly Goodson: (nods) Tony Haines is a pig ... but who's Gus? Catherine: Well, we're guessing that that's where the two of you first met, at the lawyers'. Grissom: Or they could've met at the movie theater. Catherine: Right. Right. I mean, either way, you ladies had a lot in common. (Quick flashback to: KELLY GOODSON walks into the movie theatre and sits down a few rows behind AUDREY HILDEN. AUDREY turns around slightly and notices KELLY sitting behind her. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Boy, can't you see them watching "Strangers On a Train" together? Catherine: Oh, yeah. Grissom: I'm thinking that Audrey told her everything about her dentist, and she told Audrey everything about Haines. (Quick flashback to: The two ladies sit at a table and AUDREY HILDEN talks to KELLY GOODSON.) Catherine: (V.O.) You needed them both dead. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: So, right out of "Strangers On A Train", if you swapped murders, no one could tie you to the victims, and then you started talking specifics -- where the best place would be to kill Haines. Someplace dark, secluded-- the parking lot right here at the sphere. (Quick flashback to: KELLY GOODSON reaches over the table and writes the parking stall information on AUDREY HILDEN'S movie schedule: Sphere E4-117. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: After you stabbed Sugarman, you ripped the gold chain off of his neck as proof that you'd kept up your end of the bargain. (Quick flashback to: KELLY GOODSON in a red wig standing behind GUS SUGARMAN, one hand over his mouth and the other hand with the screwdriver. After she kills him, she rips off the chain from his neck. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: And then you walked out into the lobby and called Audrey on the pay phone, to say that the deed was done. Grissom: And then Audrey called Sugarman three times in a row to see if it was true. Catherine: She was the one who picked the movie ... and made the date. Grissom: But that's all she did, isn't it? 'Cause just like in the movie, she had no intention of killing Haines ... and that's when you started harassing her. (Quick flashback to: The phone rings and AUDREY HILDEN doesn't answer it. Flash to: KELLY GOODSON standing on the sidewalk on the other side of the street watching as AUDREY HILDEN parks her car. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: You'd killed for her. Now she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain. Grissom: You couldn't let her betray you. So, unfortunately, she had to die, too. (Quick flashback to: KELLY GOODSON with her hands around AUDREY HILDEN'S neck. They struggle, but KELLY'S stronger and more determined than AUDREY. KELLY drags AUDREY up the stairs. She manages to get AUDREY over the banister. She ties the cord around AUDREY'S neck then tosses her over the side. AUDREY'S body jerks as she dangles there. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: So, you made it look like she'd committed suicide, and then you planted Sugarman's gold chain, in hopes that we would think that she killed him, too. Catherine: The only thing that she had on you was that movie schedule. That had to go. (Quick flashback to: KELLY GOODSON rips the movie schedule off of the bulletin board and crumples it. She tosses it into the toilet and flushes. She leaves. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (KELLY looks at them and smiles. Kelly Goodson: Wow ... that is a really good story. You guys must be movie fans yourselves. Grissom: You're right. It's just a story ... (KELLY GOODSON looks at CATHERINE. CATHERINE doesn't say anything. GRISSOM continues.) Grissom: ... but the chemicals that we found on your gloves and on the extension cord that was used to kill Audrey, that's our proof. Menthol ... trolamine salicylate ... capsaicin ... (GRISSOM reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tubes of creams and shows it to KELLY GOODSON.) Grissom: ... eucalyptabalm ... isorcreme ... capsaicin ointment -- a unique concoction -- your unique concoction ... ... and this stuff is all over the evidence. Yeah ... it's a pretty good movie. Well, the character that you've been playing, the character that Robert Walker played in the movie ... dies at the end. (Camera holds on KELLY GOODSON.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MOVIE THEATRE -- NIGHT] (On screen, the man takes out a gun and fires, hitting the other man in the abdomen.) (On screen a woman rushes out of the room.) Man: (on screen) I said he'd be alone. (In the audience, GRISSOM sits and watches the movie. CATHERINE returns with her popcorn and drink and takes her seat next to GRISSOM.) Catherine: Hi. What'd I miss? Grissom: Murder, seduction, deceit-- the usual. Catherine: Mm. This one of your favorites? Grissom: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir. Catherine: Okay. Well, what do you like? Grissom: I like silent movies. (CATHERINE stops and turns to look at GRISSOM. With a small smile on his face, GRISSOM glances at CATHERINE, then turns to look at the screen.)
Plan: A: Catherine; Q: Who is Grissom's partner in the movie theater murder investigation? A: a man; Q: Who was murdered in a movie theater? A: a screwdriver; Q: What was the murder weapon? A: glove prints; Q: What is found on the murder weapon? A: the incriminating leather gloves; Q: What is recovered? A: a suspect; Q: What do the gloves lead the team to? A: Nick; Q: Who is the other detective investigating the death of a teenager? A: Sara; Q: Who is the girl who is investigating the death of a teenager? A: a bullet-riddled warehouse; Q: Where was the teenager found shot to death? A: more than 100 rounds; Q: How many rounds were fired at the teenager? A: every conceivable angle; Q: How many angles were the bullets fired from? Summary: Grissom and Catherine investigate a man murdered in a movie theater during the show. The murder weapon, a screwdriver, is found to possess glove prints. When the incriminating leather gloves are recovered the team discovers a unique combination of chemicals on them that lead them to a suspect. Meanwhile Warrick, Nick and Sara investigate the death of a teenager found shot to death in a bullet-riddled warehouse, where more than 100 rounds were fired from every conceivable angle, but was only hit once.
Paul: Coach Taylor's contract is up for discussion at the board meeting this Saturday. I love my job, I'm good at it, and I'd like to keep it. I love you. I just think we should break up. Matt: You're the only person who's never left me. I'm not gonna leave you. I'm gonna stay here for good. You're gonna go to college, and you're gonna go get a degree. Do you hear me? Yeah. They offered the job to Wade Aikmen. The board would like to offer you the position of head coach at East Dillon High. [On Radio] I'm Sammy Meade and folks let me tell you, the sky is dry... [Cut to Coach putting on his RED East Dillon Lions cap] Sammy Meade: ...the fields are brown, the drought is long and it has happened: this town has been divided. [EXT. Taylor house, morning.] ( Julie is giggling and holding Gracie Belle while Tami tries to comb the little girl's hair. Happy family scene. Eric exits the house carrying a baby blanket, hands it to Tami. ) Tami: Thanks, babe. (kisses him) Good luck. ( Eric kisses all his girls and heads to his car. ) Julie: I love you! [EXT. Matt Sarcen's house.] ( Matt gets into a station wagon that has a sign that reads "Panther Pizza" and he drives off. ) [EXT. Landry Clarke's house.] ( Landry goes to check his mailbox and there is a Dillon Panther's sign with his name on it in the front yard. He opens a letter notifying him that he's been transferred to East Dillon. He's confused and upset. ) [EXT. West Dillon Panthers Football Field] ( Gorgeous field, team hard at work, J.D.s dad, Joe, and new Coach Wade are driving around the field in a golf cart while Buddy tries to chase after them. They just drive faster. ) Buddy: Wade! Wade: Listen, Buddy, I know! [EXT. East Dillon Lions Football Field] ( Eric tries to get into the locker room. Graffiti on the outside walls, trashed field. Not good. The door is locked and he's frustrated and starts kicking it, trying to get it to open. ) Custodian: Hey! Que haciendo? Que haceindo, que tu? Eric: Sorry. Coach Taylor. Custodian: Que? Eric: Coach Taylor. Football team. Coach Taylor. I'm trying to... Custodian: What football team? Eric: I'm the new coach for the football team. Custodian: New football team? Eric: That's right. Custodian: Okay. Don't kick my door, por favor. ( Eric enters decrepit locker room and sits down in utter disbelief at the circumstances. He hears a noise and turns around, startled to see a Raccoon in a locker. ) Eric: (looking over at where the custodian is standing) You know there's a raccoon in here? [EXT. Neighborhood alley.] ( Young shirtless black male running down the alley with the police in pursuit and almost gets away when a police car cuts him off. ) Officers: Get down! Get down! On your stomach!! ( He begrudgingly does as ordered. ) [INT. East Dillon Locker Room] ( The potential team members are lining up to get weighed in by Coach and his assistant coach. ) Assistant Coach: Next! Come on, come on. Name? Calvin: Calvin. Eric: (to Calvin who is wearing a heavy gold necklace) Take the chain off. (Calvin ignores him) Hey, take the chain off. Calvin: (holding up the chain) You see this man? It's 18 Gs right here, dog. Eric: (Unimpressed) Take the chain off and you're going to call me Coach Taylor. ( Calvin takes the chain off. ) ( A boy approaches Landry in line to get weighed. ) Kenny: Hey, Landry, man. What's up? (Landry looks at him, uncertain who the guy is) Kenny. Olsen. From JV. Landry: Yeah... Assistant Coach: (to Calvin) What position do you want to play? Calvin: Quarterback. Kenny: (to Landry) What are position you going for? Landry: Oh, you know, uh... Kenny: I'm going for Quarterback. Assistant Coach: (to another player) What position do you want to play? 1st Player: Quarterback. 2nd Player: Quarterback. 3rd Player: Quarterback. 4th Player: I'm the quarterback. Eric: (to room) Alright, we've found our quarterback gentlemen. (applause) Step off. Next. [EXT. East Dillon Football field - Team practice] Granger: Let's go. Come on, let's run. Go! Come on. You don't run with your hands. All the way up. Granger: Put your foot in the hole and run on. All the way down. Granger: Let's go, ladies! Come on, let's go. Come on. Knees up, like this! Put your foot in the hole and you run on. All: One. Two. Three. (GROANS) (COUGHING) ( The team is exhausted after practice. ) Eric: Listen up! I called you all out here today to see what we've got. And after eighteen minutes, I think I've seen enough. (looks over exhausted team) I want you all to go home tonight and think long and hard on how much you want this, on whether you want this. If you don't, that's fine. There's no shame in that. I don't want you wasting my time and I don't want you wasting your time either. If you do want it, then be out here tomorrow morning at six a.m. and we'll get after it. But get your rest tonight, gentlemen. I promise you're gonna need that. [EXT. East Dillon Football Field] ( Eric is pushing a little, rickety cart around, chalking the field when a police car pulls up and we see the boy from the alley way earlier in the backseat. ) Detective: Hey, Coach. Ken Shaw, 12th precinct. Eric: Ken Shaw? Your brother used to play ball for me, didn't he? Ken: Sure did, Mike Shaw. Eric: That's right. Mike. Linebacker. Ken: That's right. Eric: How's he doing? Ken: He's doing pretty good. Speaks very highly of you. Eric: Yeah? Ken: Yeah. Eric: He ended up playing didn't he? Ken: He played for a couple of years but he, uh, got hurt so he had to step out. Eric: Tell him I said hello, would you? Ken: I will. Eric: (looks over at the boy) What you got here? Ken: Well, you've heard of cops and jocks, right? Eric: Yeah, second chance. Ken: Yeah, second chance program. Yeah, well, we just brought this kid in this morning. You know, he's a decent kid but he's got a record now. Next stop is juvie for him and that's a bad path. Eric: What kind of trouble you talking about? Ken: Minor stuff, nothing major. I'm talking about breaking and entering, fighting... Eric: Nothing major - he didn't kill anyone... Ken: No! Eric: Not animals... Ken: No, no. Like I said, these are mostly non-violent offenses. Eric: What do you mean 'mostly'? Ken: You can help him out. (Eric thinks about this a beat) You wanna meet him? Eric: Well, since you've brought him all this way... I guess I should. Ken: I hope so, yeah. ( An officer escorts the boy to where Eric and Ken are talking. ) Eric: How you doin' son? (extends hand) Coach Taylor. Vince: Vince. Eric: Vince? Vince you've ever played any football? Vince: Yeah, all the time. Eric: Yeah? Vince: Madden. Eric: How's that? Vince: Madden. Eric: Madden? Vince: (pronouncing it) Mad. Den. Eric: (clearly no idea what that means) Madden? Vince: Madden. Ken: Video game, coach. Madden. Eric: Oh. Ken: Video game. Eric: Oh, Madden football. You ever play any real football? Vince: Threw the ball around with my friends. Eric: You like to run? Ken: Oh, the boy can run, coach, the boy's is fast. Real fast. Eric: You like to hit? Vince: Hit what? Eric: People. Vince: Yeah, I like that. Eric: What would you say if I need you to be here tomorrow morning at six a.m. sharp. Six a.m. sharp means quarter to six. Vince: I'll be here. ( OPENING CREDITS. ) [INT. W. Dillon Panther's Coach's Conference Room] Joe: Buddy, you know those people. You can just get them to refile their papers can't you. Buddy: (shakes head and speaks softly) No... Wade: We can handle that... That's not such a big deal. Hell, we can fix that... (sees Tami entering and starts applauding) There we go, Tami Taylor. Tami: (annoyed) Not necessary. (Buddy's spirit is gone as if he can't believe what's going on) Thank you very much. Wade: (stands up) No, we need to acknowledge what a huge part you played in the redistricting. Because of it, our athletic program is already seeing the positive effects. Tami: Well, good, good. I hope y'all get everything you deserve this year. Wade: (not noticing her sarcastic tone) Thank you! Thank you for stepping up and doing the right thing. Tami: Good, good. Uh, alright, were we gonna talk about football? You all called me down here... Joe: Were your ears burning cuz we were just talking about you? Wade: Yup, yup, we were. Joe: Talking about Friday's festivities. Wade: Yes. We would love for you to do the coin toss this Friday. Tami: Uh, the coin toss? Isn't that Mayor Roddell's... doesn't she... Joe: Nah, we'll handle Lucy. I'll handle her. We want you, Tami. Tami: Oh. (force smile) Huh. Joe: We think that it's very important that all of us show that we are all in this together. ( Buddy is rubbing his head in an 'Oh my God, this cannot seriously be happening' way. ) Joe: So, it would be an honor and it would mean a lot to us and we're thinking that maybe you should call 'Heads.' (Tami looks around the room to see if Joe is serious or not when he starts laughing) We're just kidding you! You can call whatever you want! (Wade starts laughing, too) You can call whatever you want in the coin toss. Tami: Okay. Well, I'm honored. Thank you. Wade: Make sure you think about it. Tami: Okay, I'm thinking about it. [INT. College Classroom] ( Tim is lounging on his desk, trying to pay attention as the instructor lectures. On the chalkboard is written 'Homer.' ) Professor: Your thoughts are my thoughts. My daughter should be yours and you my sons... Every hero has a journey. Early literature is obsessed with that... A process to help him appreciate his life... his love, Penelope, the life he left... ( Suddenly Tim's interest is sparked and he is inspired. He starts gathering his things and walks out of class. Driving home in his truck, he throws his books out the window, looking more relaxed as the drive continues. ) [EXT. E. Dillon Football Field] ( Another shoddy looking practice. ) Assistant Coach: Come on now! Look alive, look alive! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's awful! Get'em in a huddle, right now. Eric: (directing his own team players) You gotta clip your hips, right. Push'em up. Assistant Coach: (with his players) Put your hands on your knees. Alright, this is called a huddle. You gotta understand what a huddle is. (taps a guy on the shoulder) This is your quarterback right here. He's gonna tell y'all what to do. Calvin: Just hand us the rock (slang for football), man, for real. It's boring as hell, man. Assistant Coach: You can have the ball when you can actually run a play. (players chuckle) Alright, knock it off. It's called a huddle. Calvin: (grabs the football) It's called a rock and it looks like I got it now. Assistant Coach: You think that's funny? Calvin: Nah, I'm just joking man. ( Calvin tosses the football at the Asst. Coach and hits him in the nose, causing it to start bleeding. The Asst. Coach starts screaming in pain. ) Calvin: Ah, man. My bad. Hey man, I was just kidding. Hey somebody, get somebody! I'm sorry, Coach. ( Eric runs over to see what's going on as the Asst. Coach holds his bloody nose and walks off the field. ) Assistant Coach: I'm done! Eric: What's wrong? Assistant Coach: (knocks the football out of Eric's hand) I'm done! Eric: Where you going? Coach! Where you going? ( The team looks on, shocked, as Coach looks pissed and confused. ) [INT. Dillon Tech Art Class] ( On a table are charcoal drawings of nude figures, etc. ) Teacher: So, is your focus in metal works or electronics? Matt: My focus is in art. Teacher: What kind of art are you interested in, Matt? Matt: (confused by the question) Uh, I don't know. The kind that I do, I guess. Teacher: Well, that's the thing, Matt. I don't know that I would quite call this art. Matt: Well, what would you call it? Teacher: I would call it drawing without a point of view. It's not that I don't like it but it's not saying anything. Matt: (defensively) Well, they thought it was saying something at the Art Institute of Chicago when they accepted me. And that's a much better art school than Dillon Tech. Teacher: Then why are you here at Dillon Tech? ( And there's the big question. ) [INT. Billy and Mindy Riggins' Home] ( Mindy, Billy and Tim are having dinner in the dining room. This is no longer the party pad of Billy and Tim. This house has a woman's touch - Mindy's. Mindy and Tim are seated at opposite ends of the table with Billy in the middle. ) Mindy: Hey kiddo, so do you have a plan or something? Tim: What do you mean? Mindy: For life. Tim: For life? Mindy: To do... Tim: Riggins Riggs. Mindy: That's your plan? Tim: (taking a drink of beer) Mm..mm. ( Billy isn't saying a word, just keeping his head down and focusing on his food. ) Mindy: Awesome. So, where you gonna stay? Tim: What do you mean? Mindy: Live? Tim: Billy, tater me. Mindy: Live - in Dillon. Tim: I'm gonna stay right here. Mindy: Here? Tim: Yeah. Mindy: Yeah, that's great. (looking all doe eyed at Billy) Hey baby, can I talk to you for a second? Over here. (she gets up from the table, big fake smile on her face) Alright. ( Billy complies but there is dread on his face. ) Tim: (on food) So good. Mindy: Yeah, it's real good. [INT. W. Dillon High School] ( Tami is walking down the halls. ) Tami: (to various people at gathering for school meeting) How are you? Good to see you. Thanks for coming. How's your dad? ( In the corner, Eric chats up his old assistant coaches. ) Eric: Gentlemen, how you doing? Assistant Coach: Same old, you? Eric: How you doing? Alright? Eric: (looks around first and whispers) I hear Wade's got himself a golf cart out there, is that the case? Mac: The man loves his ride. Assistant Coach: We move the ball 15 yards down field, he drives to the next huddle. Eric: (alluding to E. Dillon) Why don't you all come on over? Why dontcha all come over? ( The Asst. Coaches all exchange looks but no one's speaking up. ) Mac: That'd be nice but I don't think I could explain it to Susan, you know. Job security and all that stuff. Eric: Right. Mac: Not young enough to take the pay cut and all those chances, you know. Eric: (nice but sad) Alright. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Principal Taylor. ( Tami goes up to a podium. ) Tami: Hey everybody. Nice to see y'all. Thanks for coming out. I'm just thrilled to welcome everybody to another great year at Dillon High. And before I get going with the events tonight I really just want to say thank you... Parent 1: I have a question. Tami: Um, we're gonna have a Q&A at the end so... Parent 1: (ignores her) Why is my child being forced from this school? Tami: Nobody is being forced... Parent 2: That's exactly what happened! Tami: No, I'm sorry... Now nobody is being forced... Teen: I don't want to go to a different school! Parent 1: That's right! Tami: First of all, I'd like to just clarify, we are going to have a Q&A at the... Parent 3: My parents went to this school before you ever even heard of Dillon High. Parent 2: Yeah, exactly! Tami: We'll take up this issue in a moment but we can't all talk over each other. Parent 3: I'm not sending my child to that hell hole with that element...! Tami: Alright, first of all, let's not refer to East Dillon in this way. I do not tolerate... Parent 1: Would you say the two schools are equal? Tami: Yes, I would. Parent 1: Would you send your child to that school? Tami: I would. She was has been zoned for West Dillon and she is going to West Dillon. However, I do look at the two schools equally... Parent 3: We know what that means...! Parent 1: Why should my kid go if your child's not going? Parent 2: You should send her there! Tami: It's impossible to get anything accomplished this way, y'all. ( A lot of angry parents and yelling so cannot decipher anymore but I think that was the point. Tami is just standing there, forced to take the assault while Eric and Julie sit in the cafeteria taking it all in. Meanwhile, Joe is sitting there smugly laughing. ) [INT. SEARS Dept. Store - Repairs] ( Eric walks in with a dated piece of equipment - maybe a VCR or editing equipment. The Sears employee's nametag reads "STAN" ) Eric: Hey, how you doin' today? Stan: Whoa, haven't seen one of these in awhile. Eric: Yeah, something's wrong with it and gotta get it repaired if that's alright. Stan: I won't do it. Eric: (dumbfounded) What? Stan: Sir, it's garbage. It's garbage now and it was garbage back in 1992. It clearly wasn't purchased here. (Eric is shocked) If you think I'm gonna let the finest high school football coach in the state of Texas walk out that door with a box of garbage you do not know me. Eric: You got a manager around here I can talk to? Stan: Stan Traub and I'm a great admirer Coach Taylor. Eric: (shakes hands) Well, thank you Stan. Traub? How do I know that name? Stan: Nobeck County. Pop Warner Coach of the Year 2005. Second Place finisher 2006, 7 and 8. Eric: Nu-uh. Stan: I also faxed six or seven of my resumes to you at East Dillon. I left you a couple of messages on your voicemail. Eric: (takes a wary step back) Oh, yeah, that's it. Yeah. Stan: I know how you can handle South King next Friday. Eric: How's that? Stan: You run that spread but that QB's gonna freeze up on you if you blitz with... Eric: You got a repair guy around here, Stan? Stan: I can help Coach. Eric: I just need to get this... Stan: Coach Taylor. I got you covered. Now, I'm the real deal. I'm good. I'm cheap. I'm volunteer cheap. You will not regret this. ( Eric just stands there and stares at him, uncertain but not protesting either. ) [INT. Matt's car during his delivery route.] Julie: So, I think it'll be fun. Matt: But it's a panther party. Julie: It's not a panther party. Matt: Julie, Beth is a cheerleader, Friday is the first game, I think we can acquiesce to the fact that it's a panther party. Julie: Devon's going to be there and Landry's going to be there... It's like a kick-back. ( Matt shoots her a 'gimme a break' look. ) Julie: Fine. Let's stay in and we'll watch The Deadliest Catch marathon... Oh, look! We can get pizza after your shift and eat leftover pizza. Matt: Okay, fine, we'll go. (pulls into the driveway of the McCoy Mansion) I have to deliver a pizza right now. ( Matt walks up long steps and J.D. McCoy answers the door. ) J.D.: Hey, Matt. Matt: Hey. Here are your pizzas. J.D.: (waves to Julie who waves back) So, so do you like make your girlfriend deliver pizza with you all the time? Matt: No. Um, $18.75. J.D.: (pulling money out of his wallet) Kinda sucks you didn't go to Chicago like you were supposed to. Matt: Yeah... J.D.: I was totally going to go for Julie this year. ( Matt gives him a subtle 'f*ck you' look. ) J.D.: I'm just kidding. Hey, weren't these supposed to have those cinnamon sticks? Matt: Nope. (turns and walks away) Thanks for the tip. [EXT. E. Dillon Football Field] ( Practice. Stan's there but he's wearing his Sears shirt. ) Eric: Let's go! Hustle up! ( Run play that goes awry. ) Eric: Hey! What are you doing? What are you doing? Stan: What are you doing? Eric: What hole are you supposed to be going through? What was that 24-power? Vince: Four. Eric: The four hole? Then go through the four hole. Stan: The four hole! Eric: Come on, now. ( Run another play. ) Eric: What are you doing now? What a second! What are you doing? (walks up to Vince and quieter now) Vince, what are you doing? Vince: I'm moving closer! Eric: You're killing me here. Vince: What? Eric: You're moving closer and adjust your stance... Vince: (interrupting) I moved closer! Eric: Don't talk back to me! Those fellas in the little stripped uniforms, they're gonna throw those little flags and how many yards is that gonna be? Vince: Five yards. Eric: That's right. It's gonna be five yards. Here's what you're gonna want to do: this right over here. This is the four hole and you'll go through the four hole and once you get through there you're gonna keep going downhill don't you? Vince: Yes, sir. Eric: Come on! Let's go! ( Run another play only this time it goes according to plan and Vince scores a touchdown. ) Eric: Goddamn, I did not expect that. Stan: I cannot believe what I just witnessed. That's genius, Coach. This is exactly why I am here. I'm serious. I got goose-bumps. Eric: That's good. (walks to the players) Hey Vince, that was damn nice. Damn nice. (to others) What do we got next? [EXT. House, pool party.] ( Devon and Landry are sitting at a nearby table talking. ) Landry: You're going? Devon: So pretty rough over at East Dillon? Landry: It's rough, to say the least. I'm constantly, like ready. I got a piece on me at all times. ( She laughs. ) [Cut with Julie entering the party.] J.D.: Julie Taylor! Julie: Hey, J.D. J.D.: So where's pizza man? Julie: Um, he's gonna meet me later. J.D.: Oh. Devon: My mom said she'd die before she'd send me there. Landry: So, like, she would literally end her life? Devon: Hunger strike probably. J.D.: Hey, you know Luke? ( Luke appears. It's clear that J.D. is drunk and not a pleasant one. ) Luke: Hey. Julie: Yeah, hi. Luke: You gonna come watch me make history on Friday night? Julie: Um, actually I'm gonna go see the Lions play. J.D.: I have news for you. Your dad's coaching a team that's not gonna have one 'W' all season. ( Julie gives him a tight smile just like her momma. ) J.D.: But, I'm liking your chances, Julie Taylor. ( He runs his hand over her hair. ) Luke: Alright, hey, hey. (pulls J.D. back) He's been kicking a few back. J.D.: You know, your dad could still be coaching for Dillon. My dad gave your dad a shot. Julie: Yeah? J.D.: Mm...hmm. ( In the background we see Matt has arrived. ) Julie: Well, your dad's an ass. J.D.: Okay, so now I gotta throw you in the pool. ( J.D. picks up Julie and heads to the pool. ) Julie: Stop it. Luke: (lamely) Hey, J.D. Julie: STOP IT! Matt: What? Hey!! Julie: Stop it!! J.D.: Gonna throw you in the pool. ( Her screams get the attention of others and Landry stands up as Matt rushes to help Julie. ) Matt: (taking hold of Julie) What are you doing? What the hell's the matter with you? Get off her. Don't ever put your damn hands on my girlfriend, okay? J.D.: What's your problem, Saracen? ( Matt shoves him. ) Matt: Shut the hell up! Julie: Matt! ( Matt and J.D. fight while Julie shouts for them to stop. Landry and Luke break it up. ) Matt: What, Landry? Julie: Matt! Landry: What are you doing? J.D.: Coach should never have taken me out of the game, Saracen. He just felt sorry for you is all. You suck! Landry: (to J.D.) Just shut up. J.D.: Listen to me, Saracen. You suck! Matt: (maybe words too close to home turns to Julie as he walks away) I'm really glad this wasn't a panther party. J.D.: It's MY Dillon now! Julie: Matt... [INT. Riggins' Residence - nursery] ( Tim and Billy are painting the nursery. ) Tim: Okay Billy, I gotta be honest with you. This is kind of gross. I mean, whatever happened to just pink or blue? Boy or girl? Billy: Mindy doesn't want to know if it's a boy or girl so that's why we use neutral tones. Tim: Which is puke in this case? Billy: It's 'mustard', Jackass. Tim: Billy, if I threw up on this wall you wouldn't even know it cuz this colors puke. Billy: It's mustard. Tim: Agree to disagree. Billy: Seriously, do you have a problem with it? Tim: (grins) Whatever. Billy: Whatever? ( Billy shoves Tim. ) Tim: Billy, watch yourself. Billy: Shut your mouth. Tim: Watch yourself. Billy: Or what? What are you gonna do? Huh? ( Billy shoves Tim so hard he falls back. They fight. ) Tim: Billy, what the hell? Billy: You come into my house and act like this? Tim: Get off of me! (shoves Billy off) What the hell was that? I made joke. Billy: It's not a freaking joke! You're throwing away your whole life, man! I busted my ass for eight years to try and put you through college and you can't even make it through September! Tim: You and Lyla wanted me to go to college. I never said once that I wanted to go to college. Billy: What are you going to do? I don't know what you're thinking sometimes. You think you're gonna waltz back in here and everything's going to be okay? I got a wife, Tim. I'm about to be a dad. There's no room for you here. Tim: Guess you're right. You know what Billy? All I wanted to do was come home. ( Tim leaves. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. W. Dillon High Hallway] ( Tami is walking with someone from the school administration and a uniformed officer or security guard. ) Tami: I don't like that we have to do this. Admin: There are nine students here that have been notified about their transfer and are refusing to change schools. What choice do we have? ( Tami knocks on a classroom door. ) Tami: Ms. Cody? I'm sorry to interrupt y'all. Um, Devon honey, I'm gonna need you to come with me. Devon: Should I bring all my stuff? Tami: That'd be good. ( Classroom and Julie watch as Devon gets up to leave. ) Tami: Thank you ( Julie gets up and looks down hallway as they walk away. ) [EXT. Saracen home.] ( Landry and Matt are throwing the football through a spare tire. ) Landry: Pull the slot machine and elbow the midget in the face. You understand though, I'm always going to be a panther in my heart. Matt: Landry, who cares? Panthers are a bunch of idiots this year anyway. Landry: Yeah but they're a bunch of talented, fast idiots. And we're just a bunch of sucky idiots. Matt: Alright, so look: in the panther's, you're a scrub right? But on the Lions, you might actually get to play in some games. You might even start! Landry: So you're trying to encourage me by saying that the lions are bad enough that someone as bad as me might actually see some playing time? Matt: Yeah, basically. ( Grandma comes out of the house. ) Grandma: Matthew? Matt: Yes, grandma. Grandma: Matthew why aren't you throwing the ball? You know you got a game on Friday night and Coach Taylor's gonna expect you to be ready, son. Matt: Grandma, remember, I'm not on the team anymore. And coach isn't either. Grandma: (laughs) Yeah, that'll be the day. I adore you. Coach Taylor not a panther. (she turns to leave but stops, looking at Landry) Landry? Landry: Huh? Grandma: Stop throwing the ball, you look like a girl. Landry: Okay, I'm gonna throw one more. ( Landry throws a mock pose. ) Grandma: No! You look like a girl. You're just a funny looking creature there. Landry: It's good seeing you. (waits until she's gone before looking at Matt) She seems to be doing well. Matt: (ignoring) Do you think it's a bad sign that Julie ain't call me back yet? Landry: Probably not a good sign. You did kinda look like a jackass at the party the other night. Matt: But J.D. is a chump! He's pretentious, he's... Landry: Aren't you supposed to rise above that? Aren't you supposed to turn the other cheek? In your typical Matt Saracen kind of way. Matt: Yeah. Landry: Take the high road. Matt: Right. Take the high road. That's what Matt always does. Landry: Get behind me Satan... ( Matt throws the football into the tire. ) [INT. Bar] ( Tim is at the bar drinking when the hot, older woman bartender chats him up. ) Bartender: Dog? Tim: Brother. ( She pours him a shot. ) Bartender: Bottoms up. ( They each take a shot. ) Bartender: What's your name? ( Tim gives her a look like he knows exactly how this will play out. ) [EXT. E. Dillon Football Field] ( Team is huddled as Coach talks. ) Eric: Olan, you need to tighten up your splints. We're going to be running the ball, we're going to be playing defense. Stan: Defense! Eric: (doing his best to tolerate and ignore Stan) You need to figure out why it is you're out here... ( As Coach is talking, at the back of the gathering is Calvin and Landry. ) Calvin: This dude can talk, man. Feel like I'm listening to an informerical. ( Landry shoots him a 'shut up' look so Calvin redirects his attention to him. ) Calvin: (scrutinizing Landry) You're a funny looking dude, man. Kinda look like Opie, you know? Let's understand (he sprays Landry with his water bottle) Maybe if I shine you up... Landry: Do you really need like a toy or something to pay attention? Will you please just shut up and listen to him...? ( Calvin jumps on Landry and a fight ensues. The rest of the team is now focused on the fight shouting, "Fight! Fight!" The other coaches try to break it up and Coach just stands there, seething with anger. ) [INT. E. Dillon Locker Room] ( Team is waiting for coach and there is tension in the air as Calvin is shooting Landry dirty looks. Door slams and coach enters ) Eric: Cowards! Cowards! That's what you all look like. A bunch of cowards. You all look like a bunch of dumb asses out there. You don't fight on my field! Y'all want to fight? Go ahead and fight but not on my field and not in my colors. You got me? Is that understood? Team: Yes, sir. Eric: You don't fight in my house! Let me tell you something else, there's no talking back on the field. There's no wearing earrings. There's no jewelry. There's no damn necklaces out there! There's no talking to each other. There's you shutting up and there's me talking! (looks at Calvin and Landry) You two. You two are gonna make it right, right now! Make it right, right now. Landry: (stands up right away) I apologize. Okay? Calvin: (gives Landry a scrutinizing look) Screw you, Rudy. Eric: (gets up in Calvin's face) You get your stuff and get out of here! You get your stuff and get out of here right now! Get it right now and get the hell out of my house! Get the hell out of my house! Go! Go! Pack it up and get out! ( Calvin shots him a dirty look and walks off. ) Eric: (to team) If there's anyone else in here who doesn't want to be here, get out right now! ( A player leaves. ) Eric: Get the hell out of my house if you don't want to be here! (more players leave) Get out now! You don't want to be here, then leave! ( The other Asst. Coaches remain quietly watching. ) Eric: Anyone else? Player: No sir. Eric: Anybody else? Team: No sir. Eric: (walks up to Vince) We're good? Vince: I wanna play coach. I wanna play. [INT. Bedroom] ( We see two bodies tangled up in bed as we hear a girl's voice singing "The Star Spangled Banner." ) Girl: Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light. What so proudly we hail at the twilight's last gleaming..." ( At hearing the singing, Tim jumps out of bed (dressed in black boxer briefs and showing off a very chiseled body) before pulling on his clothes. He sneaks down the hall as the girl continues singing. ) Girl: Whose bright stripes and bright stars... ( He enters the kitchen and we find a girl singing into a tape recorder. She stops singing when she spots him looking very uncomfortable as he pulls on his shoes. ) Girl: Aren't you Tim Riggins? ( He does his best to ignore her while buttoning up his pants. ) Girl: Panthers Tim Riggins? I know you hear me talking to you. Tim: Yeah. Girl: I wonder if my mom knows she slept with you? Well, I mean, duh, she knows she slept with you but it was dark, maybe she didn't realize it was Tim Riggins. So, um, is she alive back there? Tim: She's alive. Girl: Is she going to be in any condition to drive anytime soon? Yeah, see, that's what I thought. Look, whatever you did to her, way to go #33, but I need a ride to school. [EXT. Neighborhood street.] ( The girl from earlier is sitting in behind the wheel of Tim's truck as he works on the engine. ) Tim: Okay, try it again. ( Girl tries but engine won't turn over. ) Tim: Okay. Girl: Your truck always break down? Tim: Sometimes. Girl: Why don't you get a new truck? (he rolls his eyes but she can't see him) So did you hear me singing this morning? Sounded pretty good, huh? ( He's still ignoring her. ) Girl: Kinda wants to make you want to stand up, put your hand over your heart... Tim: Yeah, like Faith Hill. Girl: For real? I love her! I could sing for you if you wanted to. Tim: Try it again. ( Truck still won't start. ) Tim: Okay. Girl: So what's it like being the guy who used to be Tim Riggins? Tim: I'm still Tim Riggins. Girl: Yeah, but, you know what I mean though. You're all center of the universe in Texas one year and then the next, boom, fall off a cliff. Tim: Yeah, you know, I haven't really thought about it. Girl: So what do you do with yourself now? Tim: How far is your school from here? Girl: Not far... why? Tim: You gonna need to walk. ( Girl rolls her eyes and grabs her stuff, exiting the truck. ) Girl: Well, guys don't usually do repeat performances with my mom so I guess I won't be seeing you again. Tim: Okay. Girl: Good luck, Tim Riggins. I hope you find what you're looking for. [INT. E. Dillon Athletic Office] ( Eric and Stan are in his office going through the roster. ) Eric: There's only eighteen here. Stan: Yeah, well, I guess a few more of them decided to take you up on your offer to have them leave. That was a risky move. That might not have paid off. Eric: I really wish you'd learn to filter your thoughts a little better. That'd be really helpful. Stan: Filter my thoughts. Eric: Malcolm left, too? Stan: Malcolm left, too. Yeah. Malcolm left too. Eric: Alright, here's what we're going to do. We're going to line up the power Iowa and perfect the five and the six... Stan: Perfect the five and the six. Eric: We're going to power the ball down the field and keep the ball away from South King... Stan: We're going to power the ball down the field and keep the ball... Eric: (slams hand on desk) You need to stop doing that. You need to stop repeating everything I say! Stan: Yeah. Eric: It's freaking me out. ( Door opens up and one of the Asst. Coaches from W. Dillon Panthers appears. ) Assistant Coach: You know we got no chance to win this game. Eric: What in the hell you doing here? Assistant Coach: I came to coach them up. Eric: Not with that hat on you're not. Assistant Coach: You got another one? ( Eric takes his off his own head and throws it at him. ) Eric: It's the last one I got. We're out of money. Assistant Coach: (putting on the other hat) S'right. [GAME NIGHT] ( Shots of a some businesses supporting Lions, some supporting Panthers. ) Sammy Meade (on radio): Folks, it is here. D-Day. Not one, but two football games in our little town. Will redistricting destroy Dillon football as we know it...? [INT. Taylor Kitchen] ( Eric is getting coffee as Tami exits another room. ) Tami: It smells funny in there... ( Tami enters the kitchen carrying her coffee mug. ) Eric: Hey. Tami: (indicating coffee) Can I have a little bit of that? Eric: (pouring her some coffee) You look nice. Tami: Thank you. Eric: We need some more cream. Tami: Okay, I'll try to get that this weekend. ( She turns around, showing him the back of her dress. ) Tami: Can you... Do you see that hook back there? Can you just get that hook for me right there? (Eric starts hooking her dress) Thank you. I can't believe I'm going to miss your game tonight. It's the first game of our entire relationship... ( They start talking over each other. ) Eric: This'll be a good one for you to miss. Tami: ...that I'm going to miss. I'm sad about it. Eric: Yes, sweetie but you get to flip the coin... Tami: Aren't you sad about it? Eric: ...and that's a very critical role you have. Tami: You a little stressed out about it? Eric: No. Tami: Don't be brave. Eric: Nah, nothing to be stressed out. (finishes with her dress) There you go, I gotcha. Tami: See, you know what I'm going to do? Eric: What's that? Tami: I'm gonna flip my coin and then I'm gonna sneak out... Eric: Mm...hmm... ( Eric moves in closer to her and they mumble between kisses. ) Tami: And I'm gonna come over to East Dillon Eric: Mm...hmm... Tami: I'm gonna watch y'all get your 'W's. Eric: Flip the coin. ( Eric and Tami get affectionate. ) Julie: Okay...(entering the room and watching the scene) gross, gross, gross... Eric: Hey, sweetie, how you doing? Tami: Hi honey. ( Julie goes to the refrigerator. ) Tami: Are you ready for school? Julie: I, uh, I think I am going to go to east Dillon this year. Tami: What? ( The parents are stunned. ) Julie: Well, uh, Devon goes there and Landry goes there and all my other friends have graduated though, I think that's a really good move for me. (They just stare at her) You keep saying that East Dillon is just as good as West Dillon. And I just think that it would be beneficial for our family if I went to East Dillon. ( Tami and Eric are at a loss for words - how can they argue this? ) Julie: Alright good. It's decided. ( Julie leaves. ) Eric: (whispers to Tami) Say something. Tami: (finally finding her voice starts trailing after Julie) No. No! [EXT. E. Dillon Football Field] ( Crew is setting up the signage. ) [INT. E. Dillon Locker Room] ( The team is nervous as they await their first game. Legs bouncing up and down, nervous expressions, etc. ) Player: (singing to himself) I'm going on my battlefield for my war. And I promise him that I - I will serve him 'til I die. I'm going on the battlefield for my war... Assistant Coach: Here we go. Take a knee. Eric: How we doing on time? We're good. Assistant Coach: We're good. Eric: Alright, everybody got what they need? Team: Yes, sir. Eric: Everybody squared away with the equipment? Team: Yes, sir. Eric: Alright, listen up now. A few of you've been here before. A few of you have not. One thing we've all got to do tonight is we've got to focus. The game plan. The fundamentals gentlemen. Moving the sticks. That's what we're going to be out there doing. And listen fellas, there's a joy to this game - is there not? Team: Yes, sir! Eric: There's a passion and a pleasure to this game. There's a reason why we're all out here. Other than the fact that the pride it gives us. And the respect that it demands, we love to play the game. So let's go out there and let's have fun tonight. Do you understand me? Team: Yes, sir. Eric: Because tomorrow, if you give 100% of yourself tonight people are gonna look at you differently. People are gonna think of you differently. And I promise you, you're gonna look and think differently about yourselves. Clear eyes, full hearts... Landry: Can't lose. Eric: Clear eyes, full hearts... Players: Can't lose. Eric: Let's hear it gentlemen. Clear eyes, full hearts... Team: Can't lose! Eric: Let's go play some football. Let's go! ( The team rushes out pumped to play. ) Eric: Let's go play some football! Let's go, let's go! [EXT. W. Dillon Panthers] ( Crowd is pumped up waving blue and yellow. The place is packed and energetic. ) Sammy Meade (on radio): Opening night here in Panther Stadium and I'll tell you this crowd is pumped up! [EXT. E. Dillon Lions] ( Quieter, a few in the crowd but mostly the stands are empty as the girl whose mom Tim slept with is singing the National Anthem. ) Girl: (singing) Oh, say does that star spangled banner wave... for the land of the free... Stan: Free!! ( Coach shoots him a look. ) Girl: (singing) and the home of the brave! [EXT. W. Dillon] Wade: (in a huddle with his team) We've got four quarters to play your hearts out boys! Do you understand that? Team: Yes! Wade: Go Panthers! Go deep! Wade: (to Tami as she heads to make the coin toss) We win the toss we want to go D. Tami: Go D. Wade: That means we're kicking off so we want to go D. Tami: Alright. ( Tami approaches the middle of the field with the ref and three members of both teams. J.D. is leading the Panthers, the football players have hands clutched as is tradition. ) Wade: (his voice in the background) Defense! We're kicking off! Tami: Let's go boys. Wade: (shouting the background) Tami! We like heads! Tami!! We like heads! ( She smiles and keeps walking. ) Tami: (to Ref) How you doing? Tami Taylor. Nice to meet you. Ref: (to players) Gentlemen, shake hands, introduce yourselves. ( Players do as told. ) Tami: (to visiting football players) Welcome. Nice to meet you. Welcome. Ref: Principal Taylor, as honorary captain, she's gonna call the toss. We have heads and we have tails, what are you gonna call? Tami: Tails. Ref: (tosses coin) The call is tails. (catches coin) Tails it is. ( J.D. is smugly thrilled. ) Ref: Your choice. Tami: Um, we will take the ball. Offense. Wade: (off in the distance) What'd she say? Tami: Have a great game. J.D.: (shocked) We wanted defense. Ref: Gentlemen, please step around, look right here. Wade: What she'd say? What she'd say? ( Joe McCoy is in the stands looking puzzled and stunned. ) J.D.: Offense! Wade: Offense? Tami: (smiling) You all have a great game now. ( She smiles as she walks off the field. ) Wade: Change of plans! Change of plans! Listen up!!! ( In the stands, Joe McCoy just has this look on his face knowing just why Tami did what she did. ) [EXT. E. Dillon Football Game] Announcer: And here we go folks. Oh, it's a long high beautiful kick and East Dillon football is back. Vince Howard to the goal line. Finds a lane to the outside. Eric: Run it! Run it! Stan: Come on! Announcer: Oh my. This kid can go. He is fast. Brutal hit. Vince Howard is down. Oh my, I can't believe this kid is getting up. Olsen: Twenty-four power. Eric: Hey, keep your focus. Keep your focus. Get them out there. Stan: Kick butt, gentlemen. Let's go, let's go! ( Team in huddle. ) Olsen: Twenty-four power on one. Twenty-four power on one. Ready? Team: Break! Announcer: This it is folks. Olsen bringing the Lions to the line. Olsen: Ready, set, down! Announcer: There's the snap. (he throws it between Olsen's legs and the football tumbles to the ground) Oh, my, I think that went right through his legs. Eric: What are you doing? Announcer: Fumble! First play from scrimmage and we are not off to a pretty start here in East Dillon. Eric: Come on now! Announcer: Olsen opens left. Quick toss to Howard, trying to go on the outside, he's got nowhere to go. Oh, my. Eric: Don't gimme that! Announcer: Vince Howard gets drilled to the backfield. He got dessimated on that play, folks. ( The team is struggling and arguing. ) Vince: You're too slow. Tank: I am blocking... Olsen: Shut up! Barracuda right twist! Player: What? Player: That's not the play. Olsen: Yeah, it is. Player: No, it's not. Landry: It's Oklahoma right twist. Olsen: Oklahoma right. Ready! Announcer: Olsen back to pass. Pressure coming. Olsen goes down hard. Eric: What is that? Stan: What is that? Eric: What is that?! Come on, open your eyes! Announcer: South King on the speed sweep. He's got the outside. Fantastic blocking. He could go folks! Oh, my, here we go! Touchdown South King. Eric: Someone get him off the field! Get him off the field! Announcer: Late in the second quarter. South King back to pass. Got a man. Reservations for six. Another South King touchdown. ( Lions in huddle. ) Olsen: Come on guys, get in here. Get in tight. Vince: Let's go guys. Olsen: It's twenty-eight bounce. Twenty-eight bounce. Tank: I can't even feel my arms. Player: So what, I'm... Olsen: Landry, twenty eight bounce. Landry: I heard you. I got it. Vince: Ready? Team: Break! Anouncer: Olsen back to pass. They need something here, folks. Across the middle, oh a kick back by South King. (A Lions pass is caught by South King and moans everywhere.) He's gotta lane to the outside. Howard's got an angle. Oh my, Vince Howard is cracked at the forty. Another South King touchdown. ( Game is just getting worse and worse. Eric sees his team getting killed out there and can't do a damn thing about it. ) ( HALF-TIME on the clock. ) Stadium Announcer: Coach Taylor is known for his remarkable half-time adjustments but I don't know if there is an adjustment to this. This is as bad as anything I have ever seen on a football field. [INT. E. Dillon Locker Room] ( The team is a mess. Injuries everywhere. ) Assistant Coach: Can you flex it for me? Outside? Vince: Mmm... Assistant Coach: Okay, relax. Vince: I can't stop. Assistant Coach: Easy, just relax. Vince: I can't stop my feet from twitching. ( Eric enters and all eyes fly to him. ) Assistant Coach: He didn't break it but he's got a hell of a high ankle sprain. Vince: (looking at Asst. Coach) Tell him, tell him I can still go. Assistant Coach: (reluctant) Alright, we'll tape it and see. Vince: I can still play... I can still play... Eric: I hear you. I hear you. Eric (to another player): What'd we got? Stan: He's gonna need stitches. Eric: (to large player) Tank, how are you doing? Tank: Solid. ( This gives Eric a small proud smile before he turns to Landry. ) Eric: Y'alright? (Landry nods when he notices some injury inside his mouth - a tooth maybe) What'd you got? Landry: Nothing just... Eric: (sticks his finger in Landry's mouth) This hurt? Landry: Aiyee! (Eric pulls his finger out) I think it's alright. ( Music: Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing by Sufjan Stevens ) [EXT. Football Field] ( Eric, looking visibly upset and conflicted walks under the bleachers and we see Tami has arrived. She watches as he approaches one of the refs. Coach is shaken by this but it needs to be done. ) Ref: Hey coach, we've still got a few more minutes. You've got a few more minutes. Eric: (quietly) We gotta call the game. Ref: You what? Eric: I said we gotta call the game. Ref: Coach, are you sure...? Eric: Yeah, I gotta call the damn game. Ref: Just like that? Eric: What do you want - a dissertation or something? Ref (sympathetically): Coach, I understand your upset... Eric: Fine, Harvey. We would like to forfeit the game. How does that sound? Is that what you want to hear? Ref: Okay, fine. (nods and walks onto the field to make announcement) Game is over. Dillon has forfeited. South King has won. ( Boos from the crowd - what little there is - and we see Tami arrived in time to watch Coach walking off the field. ) Man: Get him out of here! Get him out of here!
Plan: A: Coach Taylor; Q: Who assembles his new team at East Dillon? A: the new and unsettling atmosphere; Q: What does Tami have to adapt to at West Dillon? A: Matt; Q: Who deals with life after football? A: East Dillon Lions; Q: What team faces a tough time on the field in their first game of the season? Summary: Coach Taylor assembles his new team at East Dillon. Tami adapts to the new and unsettling atmosphere of West Dillon. Matt deals with life after football. East Dillon Lions face a tough time on the field in their first game of the season.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Hook: Hades told me to pick three names and chisel them onto the headstones. He said whoever I picked would remain in the Underworld. Hades: Get me Zelena's baby. I'll rip up the contract, and you can tell Belle she's pregnant without also having to tell her she owes her baby to me. Rumplestiltskin: My price is her. Gaston: The young lady is engaged to me. I am Sir Gaston. You, Beast, have taken my love. [SCENE_BREAK] [Past. Enchanted Forest] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle enters the stables where her father, Sir Maurice is waiting quietly). Belle: Father? Father, are you in here? Sir Maurice: (Turns to face her). I'm right here, Belle. Belle: We're supposed to go riding today. Why aren't you dressed for it? Gaston: Plans have changed. We have a visitor in the castle today. The eldest son of Lord LeGume. Belle: Father, no. I do not want to meet any more suitors, especially not that cretin. Gaston: So you know him? Belle: Well, I know of him. He's supposedly the vainest man in all the land. Fancies himself quite the hunter, both of animals and women. Sir Maurice: At least give him a chance. Don't judge someone until you know their whole story. Belle: Well, I know enough. (Turns to leave). Sir Maurice: Belle, wait. There's more at stake. On our northern borders, there have been skirmishes with the ogres. Good men have died. Belle: That's horrible. Sir Maurice: But Lord LeGume has a powerful army. If you were to marry his son... Belle: What, marry him? Are you mad? (Chuckling) What does Mother have to say about this? Sir Maurice: She agrees with me. I'm not arranging a wedding, Belle. I simply want you to meet him. Gaston: (Enters the barn). Am I too early? Sir Maurice: You're right on time. Come in. Meet my daughter. Belle, this is Gaston. Gaston: (Kisses her hand). It's lovely to meet you, Belle. Belle: Gaston, I-I've heard so much about you. Gaston: I'm sorry. This is terribly awkward, isn't it. Do you hate these setups as much as I do? Belle: Well, since you're asking, yes. Gaston: I've heard you're a charming and intelligent young woman. And you certainly live up to your name. Belle: But... Gaston: You've heard of me, and you're not interested in this, which is fine. I understand. If it is your wish, I shall turn around and head home. No hard feelings. Belle: Actually, uh... one walk couldn't hurt anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is working on something in his shop when Belle enters). Gold: Belle. Belle: I won't be separated from this child. I need your help. Gold: So, you accept who I am. Belle: I have accepted that no one will fight for a child like its father. You've proven that much. But no dark magic. Gold: You must have known what you were letting yourself in for. Belle: When we were in Camelot, Merlin said that perhaps one day someone would be able to wield the power of the Dark One Dagger for good. Show me that you can be that man. Show me, and... and we can save our child, and we can turn the darkness into light. Gold: Well, that's the thing with dark and light. Depends on your point of view. In the end, you do what you can to protect those you love. Belle: All right, well, I'd never resort to darkness because that's not what a hero does. Gold: In the heat of the moment, you do whatever it takes. Belle: You want a future with me? You have to do this my way. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld. Emma's Dream] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Emma's dream, Emma, Hook and Mary Margaret are standing in front of three grave stones, with Emma's, Mary Margaret's and Regina's names on). Emma: Hades thinks he can beat us. It's time to prove him wrong. When I burn these names from the graves, there'll be nothing keeping us here. We can all go back home. (Begins to burn their names of the graves with her magic. The wind suddenly picks up). Hook: (Looking around). Wait. Something's wrong. Emma: What is it? Hook: Any captain worth his salt knows when a storm's brewing. And trust me, we need to find shelter now. Go! Go! (The three run for shelter as a twister forms a few meters ahead. The three of them take shelter behind a grave, and the wind instantly dies down). Emma: Well, that was quick. Everyone okay? Mary Margaret: Yeah, but something's out there. Something was in that storm. (Draws her bow and arrow and steps out from behind the grave. After a few moments, she is tackled by some form of monster). Emma: Mom! [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook are on the roof of the library. Hook is standing watch whilst Emma sleeps. She suddenly wakes from her nightmare and is breathing heavily. Hook watches on). Hook: Bad dream? Emma: Yeah. (Stands and starts walking towards him). It was nothing. Sorry I fell asleep. (Stops in front of Hook). Hook: (Concerned). I'm glad you did. Emma: It's not the best way to keep watch. Hook: I've got it under control. Do you realize this is the first time you've slept since you rescued me? Emma: I will sleep for weeks as soon as we defeat Hades, I promise. (They both notice a light flashing below). That's the signal. They're ready. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the library, Regina has finished putting the code on the elevator that will help her and Emma get past. Emma hugs Mary Margaret.) Emma: Mom. Mary Margaret: Oh! Is everything okay? Emma: Yeah. It's just good to see you. Regina: When you're done hugging it out, Emma, I can use a little help here. Hook: So this is what you've been working on all night. This is our new plan to defeat Hades and go home... A bunch of squiggly lines? Regina: Hades put one hell of a protection spell on his elevator, and these "squiggly lines" are the only way to crack it open. Mary Margaret: Then hopefully that elevator will take us straight to him. David: Maybe with surprise on our side, we can get a shot at him. Hook: That's a lot of "maybe"s and "hopefully"s. Emma: It's all we have right now. Okay. Let's do this. (Emma and Regina attempt to open the elevator shaft. When it opens there is a solid wall. They've failed.) David: (Sighs) So much for surprising him. Mary Margaret: Oh, we'll think of something else. We always do. What if...? (Turns to face Hook, Mary Margaret, David and Henry). What if I could burn our names off the gravestones that Hades made for us, the ones holding us here? Regina: I looked for a spell like that. It doesn't exist. Emma: Actually, it does. It kind of came to me in a dream. David: In a dream? Emma: I know it sounds crazy, but I can remember every detail. It would be a long shot, but... Hook: Well, as for "maybe"s and "hopefully"s, I've learned never to question yours. I'm coming with you. David: Snow and I will take Henry back to the apartment, keep him safe. Mary Margaret: No, actually, I'm gonna go with Emma. Emma: No, no, that's not a good idea. Mary Margaret: I promised to take down Hades and get back to our son, remember? If this is how we do it, I'm in. David: Emma, I wouldn't argue with your mother. Trust me. Regina: Get going, and I'll... I'll meet you at the cemetery. First, I should talk to my sister. Apparently, she has some history with Hades. Emma: You think she'll talk to you? Regina: I don't know. But if he does have a weakness, she might be the only person who knows what it is. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades watches as Zelena walks past the fallen clock-tower. Once she's gone, he starts to walk forward but notices a fully bloomed flower. He picks it and then walks away). [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the dog shelter, Gaston has just finished feeding the dogs when Hades enters.) Hades: Now, this is just depressing. Look where Gaston the great hunter ended up, and all because of a woman. Not that I'm one to judge, believe me. I've had my own share of girl trouble lately. Gaston: Lord Hades. Why are you here? Hades: There are some visitors in town I think you might be interested in. The beauty you were once engaged to and the beast who stole her and then murdered you. Gaston: Rumplestiltskin. So the Dark One is finally dead. Hades: Mm, not quite yet, but how would you like to finally get your shot at revenge? Gaston: Why are you coming to me? What's in it for you? Hades: (Sighs) Things have changed in my little domain lately. You know what I've been finding growing all over town? Gaston: That's impossible. Hades: It should be because nothing grows here. Things only decay. Gaston: Well, I don't understand. What's changed? Hades: Hope. (Chuckles lightly) Thanks to these new arrivals, hope has taken root. And when souls have hope, they move on. And I cannot have that. Gaston: Of course not, Lord Hades. Hades: These interlopers must be punished, starting with the man who murdered you and dared to go back on a deal with me. Gaston: But how am I supposed to defeat the Dark One? Hades: Check out the arrows. I think you'll find them up to the task. This is your chance to be a great hunter once again. And this time your prey will be the greatest beast of them all. Rumplestiltskin. [SCENE_BREAK] [Past. Enchanted Forest] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Gaston are walking through the woods together). Gaston: I have to say I'm impressed how far you've hiked. I suppose your perseverance is matched only by your beauty. Belle: Really? (Chuckles) Does that line work on all your first dates? Gaston: Have we moved from a "meeting" to a date? Belle: You know what I meant. Gaston: (Chuckles) I bet you think I'm the same Gaston as all the stories you've heard about. Belle: I must say I have heard some unflattering tales. Gaston: Well, then I profoundly apologize. I have this friend LeFou, who loves to spread tall tales to embarrass me. Belle: Ah, so you're... you're not this great hunter of women that I've heard so much about? Gaston: I hunt only wild game, I assure you. My love life has been tragically empty. Actually, I've spent my whole life looking for a woman of real substance. (Hears a noise). Wait. Belle: What is it? Gaston: Wild creature. Very large. Very close. Stay here. (Leaves Belle and goes to find the creature). Belle: Gaston? Gaston? Gaston?! Gaston. (Finds him by a hole in the ground). Gaston: Well, I'm afraid this won't be much of a hunt. Whatever that was, it fell into this old hunting pit. Impossible. Belle: What is it? Gaston: War is closer than we thought. It's an ogre. Belle: Wha... no. There's never been an ogre anywhere near the castle before. Look at him. He... he's barely full grown. He's just a child. Maybe he wandered too far from home. Gaston: Or maybe they're using their young as scouts and an entire army's following behind. We have to haul him up and take him back to your father. Belle: What? No, we can't. We bring this creature back to the castle, the soldiers will torture him. We have to find another way. Gaston: This isn't our decision. The whole kingdom could be at risk. Belle: I know. And I realize you've only known me an hour, but if you trust me, I promise I can find out what this ogre's after without hurting him. Gaston: (Sighs) (Chuckles) Lead the way. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Gold are in the shop searching through books to look for answers which could help them keep their baby). Gold: (Shuts his book). Useless. Belle: Well, keep looking. (Sighs) These books are full of light magic. There must be something in here that can help. Gold: If we wanted to boil a pot of tea, yes. Belle: So every time you try something nefarious, it's a smashing success, but when I ask you to channel that power for good, you fail. Gold: I don't care what Merlin said. To be able to turn darkness to light is a fool's errand. To use darkness for light, that may be possible. Belle: I won't allow it. Gold: Then we'll fail. Belle: Wait, what? This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. (Begins to leave the shop). Gold: Belle. (Follows Belle as she leaves the shop). Belle, please, come back. Belle: I don't want to hear any more justifi... (An arrow flies past them both, cutting Belle off, and rebounds off the shop. Belle and Gold look over at Gaston in shock). Belle: Gaston?! What are you doing here? Gaston: He killed me. I'm gonna return the favor. Gold: It's gonna take much more than a pointy stick to kill me. Gaston: (Scoffs) We'll see about that. (Fires another arrow at Gold). Gold: (Catches the arrow and inspects it. The tip is glowing red). Interesting choice of weapon. So it was Hades who sent you? Gaston: He and I want the same thing... To make sure you stay down here. Belle: Stop! Stop! Gaston, we all have history together, but there must be some other way to resolve it. Gaston:I have been trapped down here for years, suffering and miserable because of him. So, no. I can't let the beast go free. (Fires another arrow at Gold). (Gold poofs him and Belle away in a cloud of purple smoke so the arrow misses them). [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Gold and Belle emerge at the docks). Belle: So, you killed Gaston, my fiancé, and never thought to tell me? Gold: It was an arranged marriage. I was doing you a favor. Belle: This... this was a mistake. Once again, I've let my optimism cloud my judgment. Gold: His threat is real, you know. I may be immortal, but Hades forged these arrows in the River of Souls, a river which flows right into this very sea, in fact. Now, immortal or not, one scratch, and I'm trapped in these waters forever. And I won't be able to help our child. Hades is clever. He sent Gaston because he knows you won't let me hurt him. Let's prove him wrong. Let me use just a little bit of dark magic... Just enough to take care of Gaston. Belle: No. That's no not how we're gonna defeat him. We're gonna do the opposite. We're going to help him. We're gonna see to it that he finally moves on from this infernal place. Gold: Belle, please, he's not worth it. Belle: It's not just about him. Hook said that when his brother moved on, that it affected Hades somehow. It weakened him. So by helping people move on, maybe that's how we defeat Hades. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook and Mary Margaret are back in the graveyard in front of the graves). Emma: The spell worked in my dream. Now I just need to make it happen. (As soon as she begins to try and burn the names of the graves, the wind begins howl again). Hook: Emma, wait. Any captain worth his salt knows when a storm's brewing. And trust me, we need to find shelter. Emma: (Looks worried). Why did you just say that? Hook: Oh, it's fine, love. It's just a storm. I've survived worse. Emma: No, I should not have brought you here. My dream... it wasn't just a dream. This is exactly how it happened. Hook: Can we talk about that a bit later? We need to take shelter now. (The three of them run to the same headstone they did in Emma's dream, and take shelter. Like Emma's dream, the storm stops as soon as they are by the grave). Hook: Well, look at that. The world's fastest storm. Maybe this is turning into a good dream. Emma: It wasn't the storm I was worried about. In the dream, the cyclone brought a monster. Mary Margaret: What kind of monster? (A creature roars in the distance, and Emma grabs Mary Margaret's hand). Emma: That kind. Mary Margaret: I'll take a look. Emma: No! Mom, you just have to trust me. I can't let you do this. Mary Margaret: Okay. Okay, Emma. It was your dream. You tell us. What do we do now? (The creature roars again). Emma: We run. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena is sitting alone in Granny's diner when Regina joins her). Regina: You want some company? (Sits down when Zelena nods). Zelena: How's my daughter? Regina: Safe. Hidden in the woods with Robin Hood. Hades will never find where they are. Zelena: He'll find her eventually. When he wants something, he never gives up. Regina: And you know this how? Zelena: (Clears throat) I don't want to talk about it. Regina: Zelena, for once in our lives, maybe we can just try acting like sisters. What happened between you and Hades? Zelena: He fell in love with me. Regina: Oh. Zelena: I know. It was totally ridiculous. The idea that anyone could love me... Regina: Do you love him? I can imagine how hard this is for you, but you know Hades. He's the one who's keeping us all down here. So I need to know what his weakness is. Zelena: (Chuckles) So this little visit wasn't just sisterly concern. It was about Hades. Regina: No, it was both. Zelena: Well, I'm sorry I don't have more to offer, but as far as I know, I'm his only weakness. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Mary Margaret and Hook enter Regina's crypt in an attempt to hide from the monster, which can still be heard roaring in the distance). Emma: Okay, I know it seems a little creepy, but we should be safe down here. Hook: Are you sure about that? What the hell is that thing, and why is it chasing us? Mary Margaret: I don't know, but if it comes close, I can get a shot at it. Emma: No, you cannot go back out there. Mary Margaret: Emma, what are you so afraid of? We've faced monsters before. Emma: My dream... it's happening. And there's something I didn't tell you. (Exhales heavily) You died. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Gold are inside the animal shelter, trying to figure out what Gaston's unfinished business is). Gold: Belle, you don't need to do this to find his unfinished business. I know what it is... killing me. Belle: What... no, no, I don't accept that. You can't judge someone without knowing their full story. Here. Gaston's locker. (Sighs) Um, can you, uh... can you magic this open for me? Gold: Well, I certainly can. Are you sure you want me to? Belle: Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be? Gold: Well, using my power to steal another man's property... Doesn't that qualify as dark magic? Belle: This isn't murder. We're opening a locker. Gold: Oh, so you get to be the judge of when the ends justify the means. I see. As I said, it's all about points of view. (Magically unlocks Gaston's locker). Belle: Thank you. (Opens the locker and finds a book titled "Her Handsome Hero). This. I'm his unfinished business. I'll, uh... I'll wait for him. You should go. Trust me, I-I can get through to him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Past. Enchanted Forest] [SCENE_BREAK] Here, I found it. Gaston: "An Alphabetized Inventory of Magical Antiquities." Sounds a bit dense. No, this is a wonderful book. It's a record of every magical item in the kingdom. And you think one of them will tell us what this ogre is after? I'm sure of it. That's why my mother keeps these records... For emergencies like this. Your mother must be quite a woman to have raised a daughter with this much... fire in her. Well, she was the one who taught me to love books. (Chuckles) Starting... with this one. "Her Handsome Hero." Interesting. I wouldn't have picked you for a fan of cheap romance. No! No! This is not like that. This book is about compassion and forgiveness... the things that truly make a hero. You, uh... you can have it if you like. If this is indeed your favorite book, I shall read every word... twice. Because I have a feeling... I've finally found a woman of substance. I... Wait. Look. Th-This is what we need. Mirror of Souls. It says if someone has evil in their soul, it will be revealed in the mirror's gaze. Their eyes will glow with demonic fire. So if we see no fire... Then the ogre means us no harm. This mirror's but an hour's ride away. I-I can go now. Good. You can get the mirror, and I'll watch over the ogre. But promise me, in case this creature's not innocent, you'll bring back your father and his knights. I promise. And I'll see you soon. (Both chuckle) [SCENE_BREAK] (Dog barking) Gaston? Is that you? Getting colder. (Dog barks) What do you want from me? You mean other than that baby in your belly? (Chuckles) Relax. I'm not gonna hurt either one of you. Actually (sighs) I'd like to help. How would you like to make a deal? (Scoffs) I married a man who makes deals. I know what that means. Not interested. What about what your father used to say... "Don't judge someone until you know their whole story"? How did you know that? (Scoffs) I know lots of things. Perk of the job. Like you're trying to help Gaston move on. And so what if I am? Oh, let's just say I like this little conflict between Gaston and Rumple and want it to go on. And what could you possibly offer me? Ohh, nothing... much. Just the thing you want most in the world. (Whispers) Your baby. Got your attention now, don't I? I'm listening. Smart girl because this is the easiest deal in the world. All you have to do is let Rumplestiltskin face Gaston. If one of them throws the other into the River of Souls, I'll take the mark off your baby. No. I swore I'd help Gaston move on, and I keep my word. Now, that is such a nice sentiment, but take it from me. Love makes you do crazy things. I bet, with your child on the line, you are capable of... (Chuckles lightly) anything. (Dogs barking) Let me know if you change your mind. [SCENE_BREAK] I think that monster's gone away. (Rumbling in distance) (Gasps, sighs) Sorry, love. Well, I'm glad your reflexes are better than your sense of style. Well, this has turned into quite a day. Why are you all in my vault? Short version... thing with fangs trying to kill us. And you're hiding instead of fighting? I saw the same monster in my dream. And in the end, it... .. it killed me, so... I thought it was a message or some sort of vision of the future. Well, you dreamt it. It's not like it'll happen. Maybe this dream isn't just about the monster. It's about you working out some issues. I don't have any issues. Much as it pains me, I have to agree with Regina, Emma. What's going on? (Sighs) Maybe I... feel like I failed everyone. Failed? You saved me. But we're still trapped in the Underworld. What the hell was I thinking bringing everyone down here? Bringing Henry down here? This was a terrible plan. I should have done this alone. Now I'm always frightened. I'm frightened that someone will die, and it'll be my fault. And I'll never forgive myself. Emma, you didn't force any of us down here. We all wanted to come with you. We knew it would be hard. These things always are, but some things are worth it. Love is worth it. Now, if you want to get home, let's do what works. Let's face this monster together. [SCENE_BREAK] (Door bells jingle) (Water bubbling) (Chuckles) I guess every beast has its weakness. Belle: (Sighs) So you would really kill him if you had the chance. Yeah, I wasn't sure if you had it in you. This is pointless, Belle. Where is Rumplestiltskin? Look, Gaston, please stop this. I can't! (Pounds table) (Panting) Seeing him dead is the only thing I care about anymore. Are you sure about that? You broke into my locker? Gaston, I want to help you move on. If you still have this book, it must mean something to you. Of course it does. Is it because I gave it to you? Am I your unfinished business? You think I have this book because I like it? (Chuckles) I've tried to throw this out a-a hundred times, a... a thousand. It always reappears. It's part of my punishment down here. I don't understand. This book reminds me why I died. Because you made me weak! What? Me? I should have gone after Rumplestiltskin with an army, but I tried to follow your example. I tried to do what is right, but that book is wrong. Being a hero is not about compassion and having forgiveness. It's about strength! Doing whatever it takes to defeat your enemies. But Rumple isn't even your real enemy. Hades is. Why do you defend Rumplestiltskin? He kidnapped you. He made you a servant. You should want him dead, too. Yeah, well, I don't. Why not? He's my husband. (Chuckles) Good, old Belle. You always did have a soft spot for a monster. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaston's keeping watch on the ogre, and this mirror will help us learn the truth of his intentions. See, Father? The eyes don't lie. I pray that you're right, Belle. Gaston? Gaston! Are you all right? (Groans) It feels like I still have all my limbs. What happened? The ogre had escaped when I arrived. He was waiting in ambush. Then you're quite lucky to be alive. I am so sorry. This is... this is all my fault. It's all right, Belle. Seeing your concern makes it worth it. Well, you two have had an interesting first day. Head back to the castle. I'll gather my soldiers. We'll hunt this ogre down before he can do any more harm. No, this ogre tried to kill me. I should return the favor. If you would allow, I'd like to lead the hunting party myself. You're a brave young man. If you feel up to it, the hunt is yours. Then I'm coming, too. There's still a chance to use this mirror. For what? We know this ogre's a monster. Well, perhaps he was just defending himself. Forgive her, Gaston. She gets this idealism from her mother. Father. We must know the truth before we hurt him. Go home, Belle. It's what's best. Belle, it'll be fine. I promise. [SCENE_BREAK] What kind of a deal? Look, I can't... It doesn't matter 'cause I said no. Take it from a man who trades in deals. It matters very much. What was the deal, Belle? Look, I tell you, you got to promise me something. You have to promise me you won't hurt Gaston no matter what you learn. Belle, you can trust me. All right. He said that if I let you and Gaston face each other and one of you ends up in the River of Souls, he'll then tear up the contract on our baby. And you turned him down. Of course I did. I failed once with Gaston, but I can fix this. Belle, what Merlin said about a man that can control dark for good... I really want to be that man for you. Truly. Just... not today. [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Hyah! (Horse whinnies) (Breathing heavily) (Horse whinnies) (Grunts) (Horse whinnies) Hold. What is it? What's wrong? The ogre tracks stopped. Draw your weapons. (Swords unsheath) There! (Groans) (Grunting) Don't let it escape! The thing about an ogre is you got to hit 'em right in the eye. No! What are you doing? Get away from that thing. I won't let you kill him without knowing the truth. It tried to kill me. And that's all I need to know. No! (Grunts) He's... he's hurt. What happened to him? Gaston. You... you did this, didn't you? You tortured this ogre while I was gone. That's... that's why he attacked you. I don't need an enchanted mirror to recognize a monster. I'm trying to protect this kingdom. Step aside. This creature isn't the monster. You are. And if you want to shot him, you'll have to shoot me first. You've made a fateful decision tonight. I just hope, for all our sake... it was the right one. [SCENE_BREAK] (Grunting) Revenge is such a tricky business. I find it rarely ends well, unless, of course, you're me. And now you get to spend eternity trapped in these waters. (Strained) You may destroy me, but you'll always be a beast. Well, I'm all right with that. You see, uh, this is the fun part. (Grunting) Rumple! Stop! Please. For all that we've shared, let me tell you one thing before you go through with this. (Grunting) All right, Belle, what is it? I just want to tell you I-I have always known who you really are. And that's why I love you. (Grunting) But I also know who I really am, and I can't let you hurt him. In fact, I command you not to. (Coughs) Belle, you're making a big mistake. Belle: Are you all right? I will be. What?! No! (Grunts) Aah! No. [SCENE_BREAK] (Horse grumbles) (Door opens) It's happened, Belle. What has? The eastern regions have been breached. Ogres are coming. It's war. And you blame me. Blame is not important now. What I did was the right thing. It was foolish and petulant! No, no, I did what I had to to live with myself. And now we're at war. Has it occurred to you that our mistreatment of their young could have caused this conflict, not my act of mercy? The reasons why no longer matter. What does is that we must do what it takes to save the kingdom. (Sighs) I'm sorry, Father. I'm... sorry that it's come to this. I'm sorry, too. Our army is no match for theirs. What will we do? Gaston's kingdom... Their army could give us a fighting chance. You think... they would assist? With the right bit of diplomacy, perhaps. You want me (Scoffs) He still wants your hand, Belle. It could end the war. You'd be our hero. Belle. Has your father told you the good news? Our kingdoms will unite, and we will defeat this threat. And you will one day be sovereign over a land far greater than has ever existed. We will rule side-by-side... if you will be my queen. I will. [SCENE_BREAK] What have I done? (Exhales sharply) I guess you were right. Darkness will always win. I'm so sorry, Belle. I never wanted this to happen to you, but you saved me. You saved our child. A-Actually, not so much. Sorry to break up this beautiful domestic scene, but your baby is still mine. No, we had a deal. Gaston went in the sea. I said I would break the contract if Gaston or Rumplestiltskin threw the other in the river. But since Belle did the deed... (Chuckling) what a-a fun surprise that was... no deal. No. I will get my baby free of you, you monster! Me? Well, you're the one who just doomed your ex-boyfriend to eternal torment. Don't listen to him, Belle. He wanted this to happen. Why? Why did you push me to this? Uh, I have my reasons. Now, this.. is a beautiful flower... (Sniffs, sighs) imbued with my favorite scent... hopelessness. [SCENE_BREAK] Um, I didn't order anything. [SCENE_BREAK] It's close! Keep your eyes peeled. There. Nice shot. Wait, everybody stay back! That thing could still be alive! Emma, stop! Don't kill it! (Arrows clatter) I think your dream was a vision. But it wasn't about saving me. It was about finding her. (Whoosh) Red. Red?
Plan: A: Belle; Q: Who does Hades make a deal with in the Underworld? A: a young ogre; Q: What does Belle and Gaston come upon in the forest? A: violence; Q: What does Gaston want to use to get information from the ogre? A: a more compassionate way; Q: What does Belle believe there is to getting information from the ogre? A: Hades; Q: Who enlists Gaston to seek revenge on Gold? A: his unfinished business; Q: What does Belle find out about Gold? A: her unborn child; Q: What does Hades want to determine the fate of? A: Emma; Q: Who uses her magic to take out the creature borne from the storm? A: a dream vision; Q: What does Emma have that comes true? A: Hook; Q: Who senses a storm brewing? A: Snow; Q: Who discovers that the werewolf is Ruby/Red Riding Hood? A: the graveyard spell; Q: What spell is Emma trying to reverse? A: the woods; Q: Where do Hook, Emma, Snow, and Regina go when a storm is brewing? Summary: In the past, Belle meets Gaston, and they come upon a young ogre in the forest. Gaston wants to use violence to get information from him, but Belle believes there's a more compassionate way. In the Underworld, Hades enlists Gaston to seek revenge on Gold, leading Belle to find out his unfinished business, only to have Hades make a deal with Belle that could determine the fate of her unborn child. Emma has a dream vision that comes true as she, Hook, and Snow attempt to reverse the graveyard spell. When Hook senses a storm brewing, he, Emma, Snow, and Regina go to the woods, where Emma uses her magic to take out the creature borne from the storm. The creature turns out to be a werewolf, who Snow discovers is Ruby/Red Riding Hood, having somehow ended up in the Underworld.
[ The cafeteria ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: You're wrong. Howard: No, I'm not. Raj: Yes, you are. Howard: No, I'm not. Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called gifs or jifs? Leonard: Well, the G stands for graphics. That's a hard G, so I'd say gif. Raj: The guy who invented it says it's jif. Howard: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy? Sheldon: Well, I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated. Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it. Sheldon: I guess news travels fast. It's true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn't included. Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, I'm sure it's not because they don't think you're an elite scientist. Howard: Yeah, I bet you anything it's just 'cause you're a pain in the ass. Sheldon: You're just saying that to make me feel better. Leonard: Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this. Sheldon: Agreed. Leonard: I was gonna say or, but why bother? [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ Original Air Date on April 9, 2015 [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mrs Wolowitz's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Bernadette: Hey, Raj. Raj: Hey, I got you a little gift. Bernadette: Oh, that's a lot of Girl Scout Cookies. Raj: You know me. I'm from India. I can't resist children begging. So, how's it going with the title to the house? Howard: Great, it's all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn't have to meet him, I didn't have to talk to him, I don't even know where he is. Raj: Wow, so you're not curious at all? Howard: Nope. Raj: Hmm. What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying, if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a killer Ringo. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Wil Wheaton: Thanks again for agreeing to do this. Penny: Oh, it's cool, I've never been on a podcast before. Leonard: Well, you picked a good one to start. Wil's had lots of great guests. Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden. Penny: Those are Star Trek people. Leonard: Yes. Penny: I only figured that out because I've never heard of any of them. Wil: I deserve that. I invited you on my show and I drove here. Penny: Sorry. Wil: Okay, so, this is basically gonna be just like a little talk show. Uh, we're gonna take some calls, we'll talk about what it was like on the set of Serial Ape-ist 2. It should be really fun. Leonard: This is exciting. Penny: Yeah, so, how many people listen? Wil: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live. Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff? Wil: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: Can you please pass the salt? Sheldon: Sure. It's not like I was invited to Richard Feynman's house and have anything better to do. Amy: Is this how the rest of the night's going to be? Sheldon: I don't know the future. Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it? Amy: No, Sheldon. Sheldon: Then buckle up, you're in for a cranky night. Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night. Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff. Amy: Well, it applies to you, too. Sheldon: I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you're concerned, I'm smiling. Although, I must admit, I'm smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mrs Wolowitz's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: So, Bernadette, have you thought about how you're going to redecorate this place? Bernadette: You know, I'm thinking ripping up the carpets, maybe lose the wallpaper, all new light fixtures. Raj: You know, if you knocked out this wall, it would give you an open floor plan, and then, it's a little scary, but could be fun, indoor fire pit. (doorbell rings) Howard: Hey, I grew up in this house, okay? No one's knocking anything down. Bernadette: Okay, okay. When he's at Comic-Con, I'm bringing in a wrecking ball. Howard: Can I help you? Guy at door: Hi. Are you Howard Wolowitz? Howard: Yes. Guy: Um, this is a little weird, but a lawyer was trying to contact my father, because his name was still on the title for this house. Howard: Wuh, uh, who's your father? Guy: Sam Wolowitz. Howard: S-Sam Wolowitz is my father. Guy: I know. Howard: Well, wait, so if we have the same father, are, are you saying you're my half-brother? Guy: I think so. Howard: Bernadette, weird things are happening out here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill. Wil: Uh, spoiler alert, after the monkey sees, it kills. Leonard: Psst. Wil: I've just been handed a note. I'm going to read it. "Wil, do you want more Diet Coke? Also, we have juice." Leonard: I-I didn't want to interrupt. Wil: Uh, that voice you just heard belongs to Leonard, Penny's fiancé. Uh, Leonard, why don't you grab some headphones and join us? Leonard: Really? Wil: Yeah. Leonard: (chuckles) Yeah, great. Wil: So, while Leonard gets set up, let's take a call. Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2. Woman Caller: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times. Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you. Wil: Thanks a lot, caller. You know that the movie actually has a little bit of a cult following. Penny: Really? Wil: Yeah. I was at a science-fiction convention, and I saw a woman dressed as your half-ape character. Leonard: Oh, if she was with an Indian guy dressed like a banana, that was just my friends, Howard and Raj. Wil: All right, it's time for a very special guest caller, a friend of mine, who you probably know as the director of such movies as Clerks, or from podcasts and books where he often reminds you that he's the guy who directed Clerks. Hello, Kevin Smith. Kevn: Hey, man, yo, is everything okay, Wil? 'Cause it's been, like, two minutes and you haven't even brought up Stand By Me. Penny: Hey, Kevin. It's really exciting to talk to you. Leonard: It really is. Kevin: Oh, you guys are very sweet. So, Penny, listen, I saw your movie. Penny: Oh, wow. I wish it was better. Wil: Oh, don't worry about it. Have you seen some of Kevin's films? Kevin: You're cruisin' for a beatin', Wheaton. Anyway, man, I dug the ape movie, Penny. And I thought you were, like, really great in it. Penny: Aw. Wil: You know, I'm in the movie, too. Kevin: Yeah, whatever. Penny. Penny, how come you're not in more stuff, man? I'd cast you in a minute. Penny: Seriously? Kevin: Oh, yeah, man. I'm actually in pre-production on a movie right now. Way different than anything I've ever done before. It's called Clerks 3. You should come over and read for a part. Penny: Oh, my, I would love that. Leonard: You have a new job. Penny: Well, maybe I can do both. Leonard: I don't think you can do both. Penny: I don't think I asked you. Kevin: Yeah, you tell him, Penny. Leonard: Stay out of it, Kevin Smith. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things? Amy: Probably not. It's an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities. Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I've since evolved, and now I think it's dumb. Amy: Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do. Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you're all by yourself. Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees. Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman's house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They're missing out on hilarious jokes like that. Amy: And at the same time, not. Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn't let me in. I hated that so much. Amy: You know, there's nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort. Sheldon: Isn't that a little juvenile? Amy: More juvenile than this? Sheldon: I'll get the blankets. You Google how to have childlike fun. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mrs Wolowitz's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: You know what, I'm being a bad host. Let me get some more coffee. Bernadette: Oh, let me do it, Howard. Howard: No, I got it. Bernadette: So, Josh, what do you do? Josh: I'm studying oceanography down in San Diego. Bernadette: Oh, how nice. I loved Finding Nemo. Raj: Enough chitchat. How do we know you are who you say you are? Josh: Why would I lie? Raj: Okay, you got me there. You here looking for money? Josh: No. Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver? Josh: No. Raj: You're in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo. Bernadette: Why don't you help with the coffee? Raj: Okay, but something smells fishy. And not just because you work around sea animals. That actually sounds interesting, and I'd like to learn more about it. Hey, you okay? Howard: Not really. This guy shows up out of the blue, and now I have a brother? My father has another family? Raj: I get it. What do you want to do? Howard: I don't know. I, I'd just like him to go away. I can't deal with this. Raj: All right, I've got your back. Howard: Thank you. Come on. And I'd like to point out, this wall just provided a lot of privacy. Josh: I can't believe my brother's an astronaut. That's amazing. What was it like? Raj: Listen, dude, it's time for you to hit the road. Howard: Hey, hey, the young man asked a good question. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Wil: So, for those of you just tuning in, we are listening to a really fun fight between my co-star... Leonard: No, no, no. We're not fighting, we're just having a conversation. Wil: All right. We're listening to a really fun conversation between my co-star from Serial Ape-ist 2 and her fiancé, who doesn't believe women should have dreams. Leonard: Give me back that juice. Penny: What is the harm if I audition? Leonard: Well, what if you get it? Penny: I don't know, I make a movie, become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life. Leonard: From a Kevin Smith movie? Kevin: Oh, I'm hanging up now. Wil: Don't you listen to him, buddy. You're awesome. You're one of the greatest directors of our time. Kevin: I don't have a part for you, Wheaton. Wil: And that was Kevin Smith. Penny: Thanks a lot. Leonard: I'm just trying to protect you. How many times did I see you get your heart broken trying to make it as an actress? Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens? Leonard: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money. Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make. Leonard: Wait, twice? Penny: Yeah. Leonard: Like, times two twice? Wil: For those of you at home, Leonard just found out his fiancée makes way more money than he does. Let's listen. Leonard: I went to school for half my life. I have a doctorate. I'm still paying off college loans. Penny: Well, how much do you owe? Maybe I can help you out. Leonard: Wil, can we just turn off the podcast for a little bit? Wil: For those of you at home, I am shaking my head no. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment. Including fort ] [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: How's it going, Sheldon? Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights. Amy: Can I come in? Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket. Amy: Amazing. Sheldon: I know. This isn't the printout. This is my real face. Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor. Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mrs Wolowitz's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: I'm surprised you could hear me with this Thin Mint in your ear. Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Josh: Yeah. Anyway, I should probably get going. Bernadette: Howie, have you noticed how often people say that when you start to do magic? Josh: Sorry, I have a long drive. Howard: Well, I hope I get to see you again. Josh: (chuckles) I hope so, too. I've always dreamed of having a brother to play catch with. Bernadette: Keep dreaming. Howard: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game. Josh: Wow. Bernadette: He did it with a robot. Josh: You had s*x with a robot? Howard: That's not what she meant. Raj: But technically, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: Hang on, if you're making all this money, where is it? Penny: In a safe place. Leonard: What does that mean, under your bed? Penny: No, it means a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds. I'm not overly conservative. I'm young, so my guy said I can afford to take some risks. Leonard: Wait a minute, you have "a guy"? Penny: Don't you have a guy? Leonard: Why would I have a guy? I don't have any money. Penny: Oh, sweetie, you should really get some money. Wil: For those of you listening at home, how great is this? Leonard: Wil, I'm begging you, just please turn that off. Wil: Sure. And we're back. Penny: Leonard, why are you making such a big deal out of this? So our roles have changed a bit over the last couple years. This is the way life is. And I'm sure in time they'll change again. Leonard: Great, you're not only more successful than me, now you're more mature. Penny: Okay, look, would it make you feel better if I did something dumb like sneak out of work one day to go audition for a Kevin Smith movie? Leonard: That would be great, thank you. Wil: I'm just gonna jump in here real quick. Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say that she played you like a violin? Leonard: Yes, it is, Wil. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mrs Wolowitz's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy? Howard: (chuckles) It was actually just a mechanical hand. Josh: 'Cause that's all you need, right? Howard: You are my brother. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The fort ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or "fort off", are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket. Amy: I'd say, Knox over Ticonderoga, 'cause it's got the gold. Sheldon: Mm-hmm. Amy: And McBlanket over Sumter 'cause it has a higher thread count. (phone rings) Oh. Ten o'clock. Date night's over. Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven't picked a winner. Amy: We both know this one's gonna win. Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn't have a secret physics lending library. Amy: Come on, I'll help you take this down. Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later? Amy: Well, as long as we're suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover. Sheldon: That's a big step. Amy: It's a big fort. Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover. Amy: PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers. Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers. Amy: You got yourself a sleepover. Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas? Amy: Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up? Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we'd be in the living room? Amy: Who says this is the only one I hid? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: Hello? What is this? Sheldon: We built a fort. Leonard: Are those my sheets? Amy: Yes, they are. Leonard: Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I'm gonna go to sleep. Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort? Leonard: Yeah, I'm good. Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in. Leonard: Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort? Sheldon: I want to say no, but it's too glorious. Get in here. Leonard: Thank you. Amy: Okay, have a seat on the floor. Sheldon: Not there. That's my spot.
Plan: A: Sheldon; Q: Who is depressed because he was left out of a group attending a symposium at the home of Richard Feyman? A: the home; Q: Where was Richard Feynman's symposium held? A: his podcast; Q: Where does Wil Wheaton have Penny on to talk about the movie they worked on together? A: an audition; Q: What does Kevin Smith offer Penny for Clerks III? A: Leonard; Q: Who is not thrilled with Penny's audition for Clerks III? A: her good pharmaceutical job; Q: What does Leonard not want Penny to risk in order to audition for Clerks III? A: twice the money; Q: How much more money does Penny make than Leonard? A: Howard; Q: Who owns his mother's house? A: his mother's house; Q: What does Howard own after his father signed it away with no contact? A: no contact; Q: What did Sam sign away Howard's mother's house with? A: future plans; Q: What is Howard discussing with Raj and Bernadette when he is shocked by a half-brother? A: a half-brother; Q: Who is Josh? Summary: Sheldon is depressed because he was left out of a group attending a symposium at the home of Richard Feynman. Wil Wheaton has Penny on his podcast to talk about the terrible movie they worked on together, "Serial Ape-ist 2". Kevin Smith calls to offer her an audition for Clerks III. Leonard, who is not thrilled with her risking her good pharmaceutical job, is stunned when he learns she makes twice the money than he does and is being more mature than him. Howard now owns his mother's house after his father Sam signed it away with no contact. While discussing future plans with Raj and Bernadette, Howard is shocked when he is visited by a half-brother, Josh.
Rebekah (voiceover): My brothers and I are the first vampires in history, the Originals. 300 years ago, we called New Orleans home. I was happy here. For a time. Now we've returned, only to find a miracle. Elijah: Niklaus, the girl is carrying your child. Rebekah (voiceover): And with it, a new responsibility. Elijah: I will always protect you. You have my word on that. Rebekah (voiceover): But our family has many enemies. Tyler: Klaus destroyed everything good in my life. So I'm gonna take away the thing he wants most. Rebekah (voiceover): These threats should have united us, instead Klaus has driven us apart. Rebekah: Why should I help you after what you did to Elijah? Klaus: You're my family. Marcel: Klaus will never stop trying to control you. What do you want? Rebekah (voiceover): My brother expects my loyalty as he has for a thousand years. But now perhaps it's time to make a different choice. Rebekah: I should never have come back here. This is the town where I fell in love - and where love failed us. I assume you know who I'm talking about? Father Kieran: You should know Marcel and I are not on the best of terms right now. Rebekah: But you are an active priest, are you not? Ready and able to hear my confession? Father Kieran: Usually the word "willing" falls somewhere in that sentence. Are you even Catholic? Rebekah: I've been on this Earth for a thousand years. I can't say for certain that I believe in anything like a God, but I need absolution. From someone. Anyone. So will you hear my confession or not? (Father Kieran nods.) Rebekah: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I am a liar, a betrayer. I have conspired against my own blood and I doubt even your God could save me. OPENING CREDITS 24 hours earlier. (Klaus bites a woman's wrist. Rebekah sits opposite to him, drinking something out of a cup. Between them there is a table full of food.) Klaus: Have you spoken to our good friend Marcel today? Rebekah: No, should I have? Klaus: He's been misteriously silent - avoiding me, some might say. I thought perhaps he may have whispered reasons into your ear. Along with all of those sweet nothings. Rebekah: If I see him I'll be sure to ask if he's still sore at you. Klaus: Let me give a voice to that look in your eyes. My saintly noble brother lies writhing in agony in the bayou, victim of my bastard-brother's-bite, when just one or two drops of his blood would ease his pain. Rebekah: On the contrary, Nik, I am simply enjoying my breaky waiting for Elijah's healthy return. Klaus: Oh, come on Rebekah, you've been giving me the devil's eye all morning. Out with it! Rebekah: Perhaps I'm concerned that if I voice my opinion about what you did to Elijah, I will end up on the wrong side of your toxic hybrid teeth. Klaus: Poppycock! I would never bite you. Elijah made some very offensive accusations about my intentions towards my child. He deserves a day or two of discomfort. Besides, you know my preferred method of punishment for your indiscretions is the dagger. (Rebekah smirks as she gets up from the chair.) Rebekah: There is something fundamentally wrong with you. (She leaves the room and Klaus is now sitting by the table alone, staring somewhere in front of him.) (Elijah is laying on a bed in the hut, Hayley stand beside the bed.) Hayley: Here, drink this. (Elijah drinks it, but immediatly starts to cough.) Elijah: Forgive me. Please. Hayley: It's okay. Remind me to annihilate your brother once you're healthy. Elijah: Yes, remind me to remind you to get in line. Hayley: It doesn't help that we decided to shack up in a swamp either. (Hayley goes outside. Elijah starts to cough. Hayley goes back inside.) Hayley: Are you okay? Elijah: I'm fine. Please just... return to your reading. Hayley: I went through the whole thing. It's just a regular Bible. With an entry in a family tree, that may or may not be me, but you know I've been a little busy worrying about you. Elijah: Hayley, please. This fever will make me unstable. And once the hallucinations begin I'll start to see things. You must leave me here. Hayley: I'm not leaving you like this. (Outside, the werewolf Eve is lurking around.) The French Quarter Marcel: All right, I'm here. Let's do this. I'll keep this simple. This kid is an old enemy of your favorite person Klaus. And he's got plenty to say about what that traitor, son of a bitch, has been up to behind my back. Now, for those of you faint of heart, there's the door. Because those who stick around, you're signing up for battle. (No one leaves the room. Marcel nods proudly.) Tyler: You all know Klaus wasn't always the hybrid. When he broke the curse that kept his werewolf side dormant, somewhere in all that, certain parts were now able to trump his vampire side. Like the ability to pass on the werewolf gene. That's where the werewolf girl he's been hiding from you all comes in. She rode through my town, pretended to be my friend and then end up hooking up with him. Now she's pregnant with his kid. Diego: What the hell is this? Marcel: Just listen. Tyler: When Klaus became the hybrid, he figured out a way to turn full-bread werewolves into creatures like him. (He rises his hand) You're looking at one of them. On the plus side, we had all the perks of being vampires. We're stronger, faster. And the toxins in our bites could still kill a vampire. But on the downside we were loyal to him. Like, supernaturally loyal. Diego: Right, and that's why you're here, spilling all his secrets? Marcel: That's the point, Diego. He figured out a way to break free of it. Tyler: And I helped the rest of them too. Then Klaus killed them for their betrayal. (Rebekah bolts into the room.) Rebekah: Because that is what Klaus does. Don't mind me, I'm fascinated by this story. Hello, Tyler. Tyler: Rebekah. Long time no see. Rebekah: What Tyler was about to tell you is that my brother can use his baby's blood to sire more hybrids. What you will all figure out is that vampires don't stand a chance. So, Tyler, I assume you were trying to rally this lot into making sure the baby isn't born. Tyler: Yeah. You don't like it? Go on and take your brother's side. But you know I'm right. Marcel: I believe you've mistaken the ladies intentions. Diego: Alright. What's going on? Rebekah: You were absolutely right, Tyler. My brother is a crap enough individual as it is. The last thing he needs is to sire a superior species. Go on, you can tell them. Marcel: She's not here to fight us, she's here to help us. Rebekah: That's right. But first... (Rebekah vampire speeds up to Tyler, snaps his neck and then sits down on the chair he was sitting before.) Rebekah: That is enough talk about harming that baby. Klaus is the one we're putting a stop to. (Klaus is talking, drinking from a glass of whiskey. Cami is writing his words down with a typewriter.) Klaus: They have all forsaken me. My siblings are as deceitful in disease just as my parents ever were. Accusing me of using my baby for my own gain, trusting others before their own blood. Cami: Would a laptop kill you? Klaus: That typewriter was good enough for Hemingway. Cami: I see the resemblance. Booze and random acts of violence. Klaus: Elijah and Rebekah have cut to the quick with their vicious lies about me. And all I've done is tried to win this battle of wills over Marcel's control of the quarter in order to reclaim our home. Type, please! Cami: What's the point? You just repeat the same thing over and over again. Rebekah's out to get you. Elijah's out to get you. Is there anyone who isn't plotting your downfall? I doubt you trust your own reflection. Klaus: You know if the daggers weren't missing I would put one in each of their hearts. Rid myself of the burden of my siblings for a couple of centuries. Cami: Look at you! Repeating the same destructive cycles over and over again. You are the architect of your own unhappiness. Klaus: I don't remember asking for your advice. Cami: Oh, really? So of all the people in New Orleans you choose someone with a masters in psychology to record your lifestory. You're over a thousand years old. Pretty damn sure you know how to type. The truth is: You compelled me to come here because you have no one else to talk to, and you want to be understood. Then you compel me to forget everything as soon as I leave your presence because you are too scared to trust. Klaus: I'm scared of nothing. (Klaus picks up a piece of paper with some signs on it.) Klaus: What is this? Cami: It's an ancient mystical plot I'm using to destroy you. (Klaus looks at her in distrust.) Relax, it's a tattoo design. Klaus: Draw on your own time. Cami: This is my time. You steal it from me! (Cami picks up her things and leaves Klaus.) (Marcel and Rebekah take the dead Tyler into the garden.) Marcel: Where do you want him? Rebekah: Just put him anywhere handy until Klaus is taken care of. Where are we gonna put Klaus? He needs to be away from all the others. We don't want him formenting descent. You know he has a knack with words, he could talk his way out of hell. Marcel: Yeah, he got a spot picked out for him in the back. Only person he's gonna be talking to in the next 52 years is himself. Rebekah: 52? Marcel: One for each year that he kept you daggered in the 1800s. Rebekah: You mean you let him keep me daggered? Marcel: And I'll spend every year Klaus is in here apologizing to you for it. Rebekah: Well, I'll settle for long enough to experience just a little bit of happiness. And ensure that my niece isn't turned to a hybrid breeding machine. It's gonna be tough to keep him in here. That little witch of yours would put the odds in our favour. Marcel: I can't risk it. She's got less and less control over her magic lately. I can't even get her out of the church attic, much less rely on her to go to battle against Klaus. Rebekah: Then we'll need your very best warriors. Klaus is strong and crafty, and betrayal makes him particulary nasty. Marcel: What we're doing is nothing Klaus hasn't done to both you and your brother for dozen times over. You're not getting second thoughts now, are you? Rebekah: These aren't second thoughts. They're feelings of regret. I should have buried him a hundred years ago. A hundred years we could've been together. (They kiss.) (Hayley is outside the hut by a lake, Elijah is groaning with pain. Hayley goes in and sits down on the bed and lays a hand on his forehead.) ELIJAH'S MEMORY (A woman, Celeste, is sitting in a bathtub, Elijah enters the room.) PRESENT TIME Elijah: Celeste? (Hayley looks irritated. Elijah suddenly realises it was just a memory.) Elijah: Hayley, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Hayley: Celeste. Whoever she was, she was smokin' hot. Elijah (concerned): Did I let you enter my thoughts? I'm not well. I should go. This is... Hayley: This is fine, Elijah. You're sick, I'm taking care of you. Elijah: We're being watched. (Hayley goes outside. Eve is standing near the hut. When she sees Hayley, she runs away.) Hayley: Hey. Hey! (Klaus enters the garage. Josh is looking at a car, suddenly realizing that Klaus is standing behind him.) Josh: God, man! I'll never get used to that. Why do I get the feeling you studied theater? Klaus: All the world's a stage, young Joshua. And it just so happens I have the role of a lifetime for you. (Josh is sitting in a car, driving, talking to Marcel and Rebekah.) Marcel: What do you got, Josh? Josh: What do I got? Klaus wants me to steal some dagger from you. It's a test, okay? He knows I'm working for you, I'm sure of it. Rebekah: That b*st*rd wants to dagger us again. He deserves everything he's gonna get. Marcel: Relax. If he knew, he would've ripped your spine out through your nose by know. Josh: Oh, great. Now I feel totally at ease! What am I supposed to do? Marcel: You tell him you searched high and low but you couldn't find the dagger. Josh: God, I'm so dead. Marcel: Then you tell him you saw I had it on me and if he wants it he'll have to come and get it. Which won't be easy as I'm paranoid and I've beefed up my possie. (Back in the garage, Josh is talking to Klaus.) Josh: Right, so, not doubting your mad vampire skills of destruction or anything, but Marcel's on red alert. Surrounded by, like, an army. You're totally boned. Unless... Klaus: Unless what? Josh: I overheard him arguing with Diego. Apparently he's clearing out the compound tonight for a date or something. That's where Marcel will be. Klaus: When I run New Orleans, there will be a permanent daylight ring in it for you, Joshua. For services rendered on to your true king. Josh: Cool. Klaus: But if you ever betray me, I will make sure you spend the rest of your eternal life in exquisite agony, wishing for a merciful death. (Klaus pats Josh on his shoulder and walks away.) Josh: Adiós, Klaus. (Father Kieran is sitting in the church, Klaus is sitting near behind him.) Kieran: What do you want? Klaus: It's Poitin. (He hands a hip flask to Father Kieran who takes it.) It'd raise the dead, kill them and raise 'em again. (Kieran drinks.) Klaus: I'd like to talk to you about your niece, Camille. I'm sure you suspect this already, by the gaps in her memory - I compel her. At first it was because she was a useful spy, but now for her own protection. Kieran: I assumed a vampire was messing with her mind. Though I never anticipated a confession. Klaus: She won't leave things be. Her mind churns with the permutations of what happened in this church when her twin went on his slaughter spree. Now, if she finds out what really happened, that the vampires and witch hexes were involved, she will dig and dig and dig until she digs too deep and gets herself killed. New Orleans will be the death of her. She needs to leave. And as ironic as it may seem, I believe it should be her choice. Kieran: Yes. It is ironic discussing free will with a mind-controlling vampire. Klaus: She's a clever girl. She gave me a piece of her mind earlier today. I would have kill others for less. I care about her survival. I smell war in the air. And with every war, there is the innocent victim who could have been spared if they had just walked away. Please, convince her to walk away from New Orleans. (Kieran nods slightly.) Klaus: Or I'll be forced to compel her to go. [SCENE_BREAK] ELIJAH'S MEMORY (The same scene as before: Celeste is sitting in a bathtub, Elijah enters the room. Celeste throws the sponge to Elijah who catches it. Celeste giggles.) Celeste: Assistance, please, good sir. Elijah: No, I'm much happier taking in such a wonderous view. It's perfection. Celeste: Your brother is again up to no good. He's challenging the gentry to duels as though they have any chance of a fair fight. Elijah: I do grow weary of sacrificing my joy to temper my brother's mischief. Surely, you can cast a spell to put him in his place. Celeste: It would take a hundred witches to put him in his place. Besides, he only ever listens to you. Elijah: Yes. He certainly needs a little discipline. Spanking of some kind is in order. I think I shall need some rehearsal. Come. (They kiss.) PRESENT DAY Elijah: (He shivers and groans in pain.) Hayley, please. This fever. My mind is flooded with these torturous memories. You have to leave. Hayley: What is your deal? You don't like people taking care of you? Elijah: There are consequences for those that care. I will not have you pay that price. Hayley: So you're having weird retro s*x dreams? Get over it, I'm staying. Elijah: What about our visitor? What does she want? Hayley: I'm guessing she's the one that left the mystery Bible on the doorstep last night. Would be nice if she'd stick around long enough to tell me why. Elijah. Hayley, you came here to gather an information about your family, not to play nursemaid to a vampire with a temperature. Please, find her. Learn what you can. Hayley: No, I'm staying. (Klaus enters Marcel's Yard.) Marcel: Klaus. Klaus: You've been avoiding my calls. Marcel: Little pissed off lately. (Marcel shows the dagger.) Marcel: Sorry, but I can't do that. Klaus: Apologies for my behavior can come later. You have something of mine. I want it back. (He streches out a hand with the dagger in it towards Klaus. Rebekah appears and takes the dagger.) Klaus: What is this? Rebekah: Apologies for your behavior? You don't apologize, Nik. You just act. I've had enough. We have had enough. Klaus: Look at you. Finally in possesion of the one thing that can take you down. How does it feel? Rebekah: Great. (Marcel whistles. Some vampires appear.) Klaus: So this is it? The evil b*st*rd Klaus has gone too far. Must be punished. And by his own sibling, nonetheless. How positively biblical. And you, Marcel, is this (he points at the vampires) your idea of a hit? I taught you better than this poultry excuse for a takedown. Do you think you can subdue me - with this!? Marcel: No. But I think I can with this. (Marcel whistles again. More vampires appear.) (Elijah is breathing loudly. Hayley sits on the bed with her hand on his forehead.) Elijah: Celeste. Forgive me. I'm sorry. ELIJAH'S MEMORY (Klaus and another man are standing back to back, revolvers in their hands.) Klaus: (Gives orders in French.) (They start to walk away from each other. Klaus counts down in French.) Klaus: Huit, sept, six, cinq, quatre, trois, deux. (They turn around and shoot. Klaus remains unharmed, while the man falls down with a headshot.) Klaus: Is that it? Is this the best New Orleans has to offer? (Another man drags the corpse to a pile of other dead persons. Elijah appears.) Elijah: Brother! Please, this is high folly. Is it not enough, you have slaughtered dozens in just these past several weeks? Word of a city littered with bodies will surely travel the oceans. Do you want to bring our father upon us? Klaus: Relax, brother. I've sent rumor that the bodies are result of the witches seeking blood sacrifice for their rituals. Elijah: You did what? Have you forgotten? Celeste is one of those that you recklessly point your finger at? Klaus: Who's Celeste? (Elijah gives Klaus a meaningful look.) Klaus: Oh, yes! The witch you've been knocking around with. Well, fear not. Harlots are like rats in the quarter. You trip over one every step you take. (Elijah takes a revolver and shoots at Klaus, who groans with pain.) Klaus: You care about her. Well, that is unfortunate. I hear they're rounding up the towns witches as we speak. PRESENT DAY (Elijah startles up scared. He screams loudly, Hayley seems worried.) Hayley: Elijah? (Elijah hallucinates. He doesn't realize he's harming Hayley.) Elijah: Niklaus! I'll kill you, you b*st*rd. Hayley (scared): Elijah? (Elijah jumps up and put his hand around Hayleys neck. Hayley starts fighting for air. Suddenly someone stabs Elijah in the back. It's the werewolf Eve.) Hayley (gaspingly): Hello to you too. (Klaus stands in the middle of Marcel's vampires.) Klaus: Let's end this charade, shall we? Vampires of New Orleans! Do recall that I am an Original. A hybrid. I cannot be killed. Eternity is an awfully long time. How long, do you think, Marcel will stay in power? What if one of you lot were to release me, knowing I will be eternally in your debt? Oh, I would pity those of you who dared to cross me. I can assure you, your ends would be spectacular. To borrow a trick from an old friend. (He streches out a hand with a coin in it.) Whoever picks up... this coin... gets to live. (He drops the coin.) Now which of you magnificent bastards wants to join me? Marcel: Anyone wants that coin, pledge allegiance to Klaus. Take it now. Go ahead. The choice is yours. (No one moves, except Klaus who is slightly astonished that no one picks up the coin. Marcel looks at him, proud of the loyalty his minions show.) Marcel: Take him. (Some vampires try to take down Klaus, but he kills them easily. Klaus streches out both hands. Some vampires try to chain him, but he is still stronger than all his attackers. They finally manage to take him down - but not for long. When he rises his head again, his golden hybrid eyes can be seen. He is growling deeply. Rebekah is paralysed by disbelief. Klaus rises again and continues killing vampires.) Klaus: Marcel! Come and finish this! (Marcel is up to run to Klaus, but Rebekah holds him back.) Rebekah: No! Take the coin! Marcel: What? Rebekah: He won't stop until everyone is dead. And he will kill you too. End this. Pick up the coin! Marcel: Enough! (Suddenly the room falls absolutely silent. Marcel takes the coin.) Klaus: Well, well, well. The great Marcel, self-proclaimed king of New Orleans, bowing before me. (Marcel throws away the coin in Klaus' direction.) Marcel: There. I hereby pledge my allegiance to you. You have the keys to my kingdom. It's yours. (Klaus smiles.) (Camille is cleaning the gravestone of her twin Sean.) Kieran: I was on my way home. Saw you dock in here. I knew exactly where you'd be. Cami: It's getting old. It's the second time this week. Kieran: Third. I cleaned it off the day before yesterday. Cami: It's pointless. I just do it again. Kieran: Folks need time to heal. Sean killed innocent people. No one's getting over that any time soon. Cami: I think... I think I'm loosing it like he did. I found this in my pocket. (She shows Kieran the paper with the signs on it.) The lines - it's a secret code Sean and I used to use when we were kids. I have no memory of drawing it. Something's not right, I just can't figure it out. Kieran: Come here. (Kieran hugs his niece.) Kieran: Maybe... you should leave town for a while. Give your head some space. I know your dean. You could put your thesis on hold. Cami: I can't. This means something. I just don't know what. (Cami is looking at Father Kieran with tears in her eyes.) Kieran: Not everything has meaning. Sometimes you just have to let go. You should leave New Orleans. This town isn't for everybody. Please. (Hayley and Eve are talking outside, near a bonfire.) Eve: I'm sure you got questions. Hayley: Only a thousands of them. Like who are you, why are you following me, where the hell is everyone and if the people in this book really are my family, what happend to them? Eve: I'm Eve. I'm following you because you brought an Original to a werewolf country which is pretty much the same reason why everybody else skedaddled. If you wanna know what happened to the people in that family tree, I summon it up nice and quick: Marcel happened. Hayley: What did he do? Eve: He killed most of them. Later, the descendants of the ones who dodged death, he strong-armed a witch into putting a curse on them. Hayley: What kind of curse? Eve: Swap nature around, inside out. Made it so their natural stay as wolves. They only turn back human on the full moon. We're hunted by the marks we carry. That crescent moon birthmark - that's why I got rid of mine. I didn't wanna get found up. (Elijah appears.) Elijah: Good evening. Think I might have something which belongs to you. (He shows the stake Eve used to dagger him.) Hayley: Elijah, I've got this. Are you okay? Elijah: The wound is healed, the fever is broken but for some strange reason I have this sharp and lingering sensation in my back. Hayley (to Eve): I have to get him home. But I'll be back, okay? I need to know more. Eve: Keep that mark covered up. (Eve leaves.) Elijah: What happened? Hayley: I just met part of my family. (The dead vampires are coverd with shrouds. Diego and some other vampires pour some alcohol on the corpses. Marcel is standing on the balcony. Klaus comes to join him.) Klaus: Looking at what you've wrought? Marcel: Look, if you're gonna kill me let's get this over with. Klaus: Why would I kill you? You picked up the coin. There are rules of engagement in battle, Marcel. Without them, you'd have anarchy. I would, however, like to talk about accommodations. Your living quarters, for example. I believe they used to be mine. Marcel: You own this, fine. It's yours. You can put me back on the street for all I care. But let's make one thing clear. - You will never have this: loyalty. You can't buy it, you can't own it, you can't force it. It comes only out of love and respect for the people who believe in you. You taught me many things, Niklaus Mikaelson, but this I learned myself. And it is something that you will never know. Enjoy your kingdom. (Klaus watches Diego dropping a lighter and the corpses are cathing fire.) (Elijah and Hayley are sitting in a car.) Hayley: So thanks for the ride. Elijah (smiling): Quite the awkward little adventure, wouldn't you say? I'm sorry I tried to hurt you, I would never want that. Hayley: Elijah, tell me what happened to Celeste. Elijah: That's not important. Hayley: It is important. Thousand years of memories and that's what breaks through your fever brain? I wanna know. Show me! (Elijah lays his hand on the back of Hayley's head.) ELIJAH'S MEMORY (Celeste is lying in the bathtub underwater, dead. Elijah lifts her up, lays his forehead on hers. He screams.) PRESENT DAY Elijah: It was a cruel and bloody time to be a witch. Courtesy of my wonderful brother. Hayley: She died because of Klaus? Elijah: She died because of me. Because I cared too deeply for her. I had allowed my brother to slip through my grasp. I loosened the reigns while Celeste consumed my every moment. I had abandoned him in the name of my own happiness. Celeste payed the price. Hayley: I don't get it. (She shakes her head.) Why are we here? Why are you trying to put together your family when it's so clear that one part of it is broken? Elijah: To me, the very definition of the word "broken" suggests that something can be fixed. I have a whole eternity to accomplish one single task: My brother's salvation. If I surrender this, then tell me what value would I be to my family, to myself, to ... to your child? (Hayley lays her hand upon Elijah's.) Elijah (shaking his head): Please, Hayley. You've seen what happens. (Elijah holds her hand. After a moment he leaves the car.) Rebekah: Elijah's home, there's only one dagger. Which one of us will you be punishing today? Klaus: I contemplated a game of eenie-meenie-miney-moe. You betrayed me. My own sister! Elijah: Niklaus, don't you dare! Klaus: Perhaps it should be you, brother! Stealing my child away with every fawning moment of tenderness you show to Hayley! Elijah: This has nothing to do with Hayley. Klaus (pointing with the dagger at Elijah): It has everything to do with her! She's adored you since she arrived. And now my child, my blood will grow up to call you father! Rebekah: Is that what it is? You are once again worried that you will be left behind. Has history taught you nothing? We don't abandon you, Nik, you drive us away! Klaus: Is that so? What have I done lately, other than cooperate? I bow down to you, brother, to make up for daggering you. For the greater good of our plan to reclaim our home. Looked the other way, sister. While you repeat the same cycle with Marcel, falling again for a man you shouldn't be with, while he controls the empire that we built! That he took! Now, I make no excuses for past sins. But in the one moment when you two could have chosen to stand by me - to believe in me - to believe my intentions for my own child were pure. You chose to stand against me, to side with my enemies. I wanted our home back. Now I have it. So I'm going to live there. And the two of you... you can stay here together... and rot. (He hands the dagger to Elijah, who takes it. Klaus leaves the house.) Klaus: You're coming with me, little wolf. Hayley: Why would I go anywhere with you? Klaus: Because, Hayley, that child you carry is the only thing on this earth that matters to me. Now you can fight me on this, but you will lose. (He opens the car door.) As will anyone else who tries to stop you getting in this car. (Hayley stands up and gets in the car.) Cami: I figured it out. The note. I was thinking about it. My lost time, my foggy brain. I thought I must be going crazy, like Sean. But then I thought: "What if somewhere in my subconscious, I was trying to send myself a message?" (She shows the paper to Father Kieran) I was. (The letters on the note say: KLAUS M PICAYUNE 1919) Cami: I found this in the Picayune newspaper archives from 1919. (She hands another sheet of paper to Kieran.) Cami: Look at this photo. (On the picture, Marcel, Klaus and a few other persons can be seen.) (Cami and Father Kieran exchange confused glances.) Cami: Those men, I know them. I know both of them.
Plan: A: Tyler Lockwood; Q: Who tells Marcel and his gang about Hayley? A: the baby; Q: What does Rebekah not want to be a hybrid producing machine? A: hybrids; Q: What is Klaus planning to turn werewolves into? A: Rebekah; Q: Who tells Marcel that she doesn't want Tyler to be a hybrid producing machine? A: a difficult decision; Q: What is Rebekah facing? A: guidance; Q: What does Rebekah seek from Father Kieran? A: Tyler's speech; Q: What does Rebekah interrupt to put Tyler in the garden? A: the garden; Q: Where does Rebekah put Tyler after she intervenes? A: Elijah; Q: Who struggles with the consequences of a recent fallout with Klaus? A: a mysterious figure; Q: Who draws Hayley away from Elijah? A: a frustrated Camille; Q: Who struggles to make sense of a cryptic message she's come across? A: an unsuspecting Marcel uncovers; Q: Who uncovers some upsetting information involving Klaus? Summary: Tyler Lockwood survives and tells Marcel and his gang about Hayley and how Klaus is planning to use the baby 's blood to turn werewolves into hybrids. Rebekah, facing a difficult decision, turns to Father Kieran for guidance. She intervenes Tyler's speech and Marcel to put Tyler in the garden. Rebekah tells that she doesn't want the baby to be a hybrid producing machine. Elijah struggles with the consequences of a recent fallout with Klaus. Hayley remains by his side but is soon drawn away by a mysterious figure who sheds some light on her past. Meanwhile, a frustrated Camille struggles to make sense of a cryptic message she's come across. Finally, when an unsuspecting Marcel uncovers some upsetting information involving Klaus, a confrontation ends in a surprising twist.
[Scene: At a gym. Two guys are boxing in a boxing ring. Gabriel walks in. One of the boxer's brutally punches the other and the referee stops the fight.] [Time lapse. Luther Stubbs is putting his stuff in a bag. Gabriel walks up to him.] Gabriel: Luther Stubbs. Stubbs: Yeah, who wants to know? Gabriel: I'm a fan. I saw your bout in St. Louis three years ago. Bloodiest fight I've ever seen. Hear the boxer didn't even make it to the hospital. Died in the ring. Stubbs: Yeah, well, you know. Everybody gotta go sometime. Gabriel: I wanna know what it felt like to take another life with your own hands. Stubbs: The guy didn't even cut me, man. Now move. Gabriel: Not till I get what I came for. Stubbs: And what might that be? Gabriel: Your killer instinct. (Gabriel gets his crystal sword out stabs him. A bright light shines out of Luther's body and into Gabriel's sword.) [Scene: Manor. Prue and Piper walk in the house through the front door.] Piper: And since it's time for Quake's yearly inventory, I have to count everything in the restaurant down to the last wissel stick. It's gonna take days. Prue: I guess that's why you get paid the medium sized bucks. Piper: And which bucks would those be exactly? (Prue notices a statue standing in the living room.) Prue: Okay, okay, what's wrong with this picture? Piper: Beside from me not getting paid enough. Prue: No. What is grams' statue still doing in the living room? Piper: We talked about it last night remember? Prue: Yes, I do remember, and I thought that we agreed that it was an issore and she was going back to storage. Piper: That is before I learned that storage down town is now 90 bucks a month and storage here is free. So, I called Phoebe and decided that she can stay here and last time I checked we were still living in a democracy. Prue: Okay, but Piper, she's ugly. Piper: Majority rules, sis. Unless, you can move her. (Prue tries to move her with her power. She can't.) Prue: Oohh... okay, okay, that didn't work. Piper: It's solid marble. It took eight of Phoebe's bouncer friends to move it. It's too heavy for you. Prue: You know, my powers are still growing and one day... Piper: You can move it into the basement. But until then suffer. Phoebe: (from other room) Eeyah! Prue: Phoebe. [Cut to the living room. Phoebe is kicking and punching a dummy.] Prue: Phoebe? Phoebe: Ooh, hi. I uh... I was just, uh... Piper: Opening up a can of whoop ass. Prue: Yeah, those are some serious moves. Where did you learn that? Phoebe: Okay, I'm busted, I confess. I got tired of being the one in the family with the passive power, so I started taking up self defense classes which I've been putting on my new credit card. Piper: And, uh, this thing? Phoebe: Oh, that's Slam-man. Got him off an infomercial. Prue: Great, another issore. Phoebe: It's a total and complete martial arts training system. And with their easy instalment payment plan... Piper: Which you also put on your new credit card. Phoebe: He's gonna pay for himself the first time I kick ass on some unsuspected gnarly beast. Come on, wanna see some moves? (Phoebe holds up her fists.) Piper: No. Phoebe: Come on. Come on. (Prue uses her powers and moves the dummy so it hits Phoebe.) You know that is so unfair. Prue: Hey, demons do not play fair. (Phoebe gets Prue in an arm lock.) Okay, okay, okay, okay. Phoebe: I didn't hear you say it. Prue: Pheebs, let go. (Phoebe has a premonition. Gabriel stabs Prue with his crystal sword.) Piper: Phoebe, what is it? Prue: What did you see? Phoebe: I saw you die. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the table drawing the sword she saw in her premonition. Piper walks in.] Piper: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. Piper: (Pours herself a cup of coffee.) I'm gonna need a lot more of this. Phoebe: You couldn't sleep either, huh? Piper: No, I was up all night. I couldn't get that image of Prue getting killed out of my head. Is that the sword? Phoebe: Yeah, I drew it from memory. Unfortunately, I can't find it in the Book of Shadows yet. I wish that thing had an index. Piper: I wish you had a closer look at the killer's face. Phoebe: Well, if somebody tries to impale my sister, they're gonna have to get through me. (Prue walks in.) Prue: Oh, good, coffee. (She pours some in a cup.) Phoebe: Uh, why are you dressed up? Prue: Because they don't have casual day at Bucklands. Piper: Wait, you promised you would stay home so we could figure this out. Prue: Yeah, and then Claire called and she has a client that wants to put a major collection on the block and if we get this account it will be a serious screw for Bucklands. Piper: Can't Claire get somebody else to do it? Prue: Piper, I have worked so hard to get Claire to trust me with something like this, why should someone else get all the glory? Phoebe: Take the master demon that wants you dead for a hundred, Bob. Piper: I can't believe you would risk your life to impress your boss. You can not leave this house. Prue: Okay, relax. Phoebe's had premonitions before and we've affected the outcome, right? Phoebe: That's true, but... Prue: And in your premonition it was man who killed me, well, I'm going to Bucklands to meet a female client and Claire will be with me every step of the way, besides now that you've warned me, I'll watch my back. I can handle this promise. Piper: The promise that we want from you is that you'll come straight home from Bucklands. Prue: Will it stop you from worrying? (They sign with their fingers to show a little bit.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue and Claire are walking down the hallway.] Claire: The client's in my office. Now remember what I told you on the phone. Prue: This woman's family has more money than God and if we land this account, it could put Bucklands in the black for years. (They stop outside Claire's office.) Claire: Exactly. You ready? Prue: Of course I am. (They walk inside. The client is waiting there.) Claire: Helena Statler. I would like you to meet Prue Halliwell. One of our best and brightest young specialists. Helena: Best and brightest? That's quite an introduction. Prue: Yes it is. Maybe I should get a raise? Claire: Let's have a seat shall we? Helena: Miss Halliwell, my brother and I hold an extensive collection of antiquities. If we were to retain your firm, you'd be cataloguing and praising and selling the finest pieces you'd seen in your career. Maybe your life. Prue: Just what kind of collection are we talking about exactly? Helena: The kind that occupies three buildings at Warehouse Flats. We have art and artefacts from every period and movement in history. From Egyptian mummies to Jasper Jonce. We would want a sample appraisal of course. Claire: Oh, Prue will be there today if you like? Prue: At the warehouse flats? Helena: Is that a problem? Prue: No. No, I'm sure that I can handle it. [Scene: Quake. Piper's talking to an employee.] Piper: Twelve potato ricers? What kind of restaurant needs twelve potato ricers? Just put them in the back with the box with the lemon ringers. (He leaves. Phoebe walks up to her.) Phoebe: I just called Bucklands and they said that Prue left the office for a meeting. Piper: What? She promised she would go straight home. Phoebe: Wait, it gets worse. I finally found the crystal sword in the Book of Shadows... Piper: Shh... Phoebe: It's the symbol of the Lord's of War. They're a clan of super natural warriors. They've been around since time began. Piper: What do they want? Phoebe: To start war. They started most of the major wars in history and once they're done in one place, they get reincarnated in some other part of the world and start all over again. Piper: So, is he flesh and blood? Phoebe: Yes, but the book says as long as they have their sword they're not only protected, they're immune to the weapons of man. Piper: So, we have this invulnerable guy running around with a sword who wants to start a war? Phoebe: Well, the Lord's of War may be invulnerable but they do have a code of honour and when one of them is disgraced, he has to steal his abilities back. Piper: So, what does this have to do with Prue? Phoebe: One of the things he has to steal back is the magic of a first born witch. They're supposed to be the strongest. (An employee comes up to Piper.) Employee: Uh, Piper, where...? Piper: Not now, not now. (He walks away.) Okay, I'll call the night shift manager, see if he can cover for me, you call Prue on her cell phone. We gotta find her. Quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Warehouse Flats. Prue arrives in her car. She walks inside a dark building.] Prue: Miss Statler? Miss Statler? (Helena walks out from a dark croner.) Helena: Hello, Miss Halliwell. (Prue's phone rings and she turns it off.) Oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't scare you. Prue: No, I don't really scare that easily. Helena: So, what do you think of our collection? Prue: I think you have exquisite taste. Helena: My brother and I have been collecting our entire lives. It's our binding passion. Prue: Is this a Roman vessel? Helena: Why don't you tell me? Prue: I've never seen one in such good condition. The handles represent Venus and the relief detail scenes of Roman bass and Kara Koa. It probably dates back to 210 B.C. It's very rare and priceless. Helena: Wow, Claire was right, you really are something. What can you tell me about this item? (Prue walks over to a table. A pillory is on it.) Prue: It's a pillory. The markings are constiant, so I say it dates back to the inquisition. (She puts her arms in the holes.) But it's missing a piece. Helena: The victims arms were held in place by a bolt of restraint. (Steel rods shot across the top of the arm holes and traps her arms inside.) Prue Halliwell, my brother Gabriel. (Gabriel walks in the room.) Gabriel: I'd shake your hand but it's clearly otherwise engaged. Prue: What are you doing? Helena: Killing a witch. Gabriel: Your ancestor's power animated from her hands. No doubt yours does too. Prue: My ancestor? Helena: A witch named Brianna. You're not the only one that's done research. (Prue frees her hands by using her power and throws Miss Statler against the wall. She grabs an axe and hits Gabriel in the chest. It doesn't harm him. Prue runs outside and drives off in her car.) How did she do that? Gabriel: She's not like her ancestor, she channels her power through her eyes, not her hands. I won't make that mistake again. Helena: She knows about us now. We have to move fast to attack her at home. Gabriel: No, home is where she has the power of three to protect her. We'll think of another way. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue and Piper are there.] Prue: I hit Gabriel in the chest with an axe and he didn't even wink. Piper: As long as he has his sword, he's immune to the weapons of man. Which we could've told you if you hadn't turned off your cell phone. Prue: Well, I got away and I'm fine. (Phoebe comes down the stairs with the Book of Shadows.) Phoebe: Okay, I found our ancestor Brianna. She was our great, great, great aunt. She could move things with her mind like Prue. Now, she disgraced Gabriel during the premium war, she used her power to take away his sword. I guess Gabriel is trying to earn his abilities back. Prue: Great. So, some guy couldn't keep it in his sheath and now I'm marked for death. Piper: Well, some men are very sensitive about their weapons. Phoebe: Lords of War and their weapons and their weapons are supposed to be inseparable like Thor and his hammer and I guess Brianna was able to send his sword hundreds of miles away. Prue: Alright, sword I can move, but hundreds of miles away? I'm not that powerful. Phoebe: I thought about that and I found this incantation. To multiply your strength, recite these words at length. (Phoebe shows Prue a page in the Book.) Prue: Alright, so all I have to do is say this incantation and I'll be stronger. Phoebe: Hopefully strong enough to separate Gabriel and his sword. Prue: Sounds like a plan to me. Piper: Uh, time out. Bad idea. Phoebe: Why, because it's mine? Piper: No, because there might be a power of three solution to this. Prue: Yeah, but the Book of Shadows doesn't say that. And besides it's me he's after not you and Phoebe. Piper: Okay, okay, maybe we should lay low for a few days, you know, use up our sick days. Prue: And wait for Gabriel to find us? And he might hurt one of you to get to me and I will not take that risk. (She stands up.) Piper: Okay, Prue, but wait, okay wait, at least let us vote on this. Prue: Alright. All in favour of me saying the incantation raise their hands. (Phoebe and Prue raise their hands.) Sorry sis, majority rules. (She goes upstairs.) Piper: But Prue... Prue: (to herself) "Take my powers blessed be, multiply their strength by three." (Piper gives Phoebe a look.) Phoebe: What? Piper: You know what. Phoebe: I'm sorry but I really don't have a problem with Prue saying the incantation. Piper: The problem is we're in this together and together we're supposed to solve our problems. Phoebe: And together we rely on the the Book of Shadows when we're in trouble. Think about it, Piper, what's the worst thing that could happen? (They hear thunder coming from the attic.) Piper: What did I tell you? (They run up the stairs.) [Cut to the attic. Prue is kneeling on the floor. There is a light swirling around her.] Piper: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh my God! (Prue multiplies. The three Prue's stand up.) Phoebe: Prue? All three Prue's: What? Phoebe: Okay. (she counts) 1, 2, 3. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe and Piper are standing in front of the bathroom door.] Phoebe: Hello? There are other people in this house that have styling needs too. Piper: Is there a Prue in there also? Phoebe: One of them, yes. Piper: I'm gonna have to wash my hair in the kitchen sink if I want to get to work on time. Do you know which is the real Prue yet? Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. It could be the upstairs bathroom hogging Prue, or the downstairs bathroom hogging Prue, or the sitting in the kitchen drinking all the coffee Prue. (Prue comes out of the bathroom.) Prue: Is there a problem? Piper: Aside from you going off and casting a spell that's kept all our bathrooms busy for the past three hours. Nothing. Prue: Don't blame me, I didn't cast the spell. Phoebe: Great, you're a clone. Prue: Well, no, I'm not exactly a clone, I mean I do have all of Prue's memories up until the time she cast the spell, so, in a lot of ways I am Prue. Piper: Then it is your fault. Prue: No, it's not, and neither is the lack of hot water. (Prue walks away.) Phoebe: Oh, you didn't. Geez. Piper: This is ridiculous. This is like, this is like the 'Parent Trap' with a B cup. Phoebe: I think I might've just found a way to take some of the Disney out of our life. [Cut to the foyer. All three Prue's are there.] Prue #1: You look great. Prue #2: No, you look great. Prue #3: Is my skirt tight enough? Prue #2: Yes. Prue #1: It's perfect. (Phoebe and Piper come down the stairs.) Phoebe: Okay, which one of you is the real Prue? (They all raise their hands.) Piper: Stop that. Prue #1: I'm the real Prue. Phoebe: Okay, then you get the black sweater. (Phoebe hands her a sweater.) Prue: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: I'm colour coding. It's the only way we're gonna be able to tell the three of you apart. Okay, clone A gets the pink sweater... (She hands it to her.) Pink Prue: Thank you. Phoebe: And B gets the blue one. Blue Prue: Thanks. Piper: Handy with the sweaters. Phoebe: Thanks. But it's only a temporary solution. Piper: And what about the spell? Pink Prue: Oh, the spell's temporary too. We're only here as long as we're needed. Blue Prue: We were called for a reason. Once the reason's gone the spell wears out and we disappear. Pink Prue: Once we vanquish Gabriel. Piper: And how are we planning on doing this? Pink Prue: Funny you should ask, see I was thinking... Blue Prue: Tthat we could find Gabriel by tracking down the ownership records for that Roman vessel. Pink Prue: And Bucklands antiquities data base. Real Prue: That's why I called my assistant... (Pink Prue clears her throat) our assistant and she's already on it. Blue Prue: Are we good or what? Piper: So, once you know where he lives are you sure you have the power to do the job? Real Prue: Observe. Ladies, shall we. (All three Prue's use their powers and lift up the marble statue.) Enough said. (The doorbell rings.) Pink Prue: I'll get that. (The phone rings.) Blue Prue: I'll get the phone. Real Prue: Wait, I should... [Cut to Pink Prue opening the door.] Pink Prue: Andy, hi. Andy: Hi, can I come in? Pink Prue: Now's not really a good time. Wow, that is a nice tie. Andy: Thanks. Pink Prue: So, um, what did I do now? Andy: I don't know, you tell me. Pink Prue: What ever it is, I have an alibi. Andy: Good thing this is a social call then. Pink Prue: Social call? Really? Now you're starting to look suspicious. Andy: Remember a few months ago we ordered tickets to the Bay Area Music Awards? They came in the mail. Thought you might want them. Pink Prue: That is so sweet. Andy: You can take anyone you want. Even an old boyfriend who's just a friend now but who loves good music. Pink Prue: I'll take that under consideration. Andy: He pondered that. (They smile.) I'll see ya. (He leaves and pink Prue closes the door.) Pink Prue: Why did we break up with him? Real Prue: He broke up with us first, remember? Pink Prue: Too bad. (Blue Prue slams down the phone.) Blue Prue: Houston, we have a problem. Phoebe: Raging clone hormones? Blue Prue: No. That was Claire calling. She said that if I, well, one of us, don't get to the office pronto, you'll be looking for a new job. Real Prue: Okay, okay, we can swing this. Piper: No, no, no, wait. You're not seriously thinking of leaving the house? Phoebe: You can't hide three you's at the office. Blue Prue: Two of us may not be able to separate Gabriel from his sword but we can certainly fight him off. Pink Prue: Which means two of us can go save Prue's job and whoever's left behind can go to the Quake with Piper. Piper: Oh, no, no, no, no. Forget it. Real Prue: Piper, you have an acting power, and besides Phoebe, your premonition, it didn't happen at Quake, right? Phoebe: I can't be sure. Real Prue: Still, worst case scenario, Piper freezes Gabriel and she runs. Piper: No, no, I don't like this idea. I don't like it at all. I think we should all stay together, all five of us. Phoebe: I think Piper's right. The book said it requires the strength of three to take on Gabriel. It's not safe to split up. Real Prue: Okay, all who don't like the plan? (Piper and Phoebe raise their hands.) All who do? Wow, once again majority rules. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. The real Prue and Pink Prue are walking down the hallway. Real Prue is holding a magazine in front of her face. Pink Prue pushes Real Prue behind a wall and Pink Prue walks up to her assistant.] Pink Prue: Hi, is Claire around? Assistant: She's been buzzing every fifteen minutes. You want me to get her? Pink Prue: Not yet. Did you dig up the information on the Roman vessel? Assistant: Hot off the laser jet. (She hands her a piece of paper.) Pink Prue: Gabriel Statler's address. Good, okay, now I need for you to get me photocopies of all my sales files for the quarter. Assistant: That could take hours. Pink Prue: You're right. You know what, I need you to get me copies of everyone's files. (She guides her out of the room.) Assistant: But that could take days. Pink Prue: Well, you better start now. Bye, bye. (Pink and Real Prue walk into their office.) Real Prue: Did you have to make her to photocopy all the files? Pink Prue: You wanted her to see us together? Real Prue: No, but you didn't even thank her, and you were so bossy. Pink Prue: That's why we're called bosses. Alright, well now that we have Gabriel Statler's address... Real Prue: No. You stay here, I will talk to Claire first. Pink Prue: Why do you get to talk to Claire? Real Prue: Because I still have to work here when all of this is over. Claire: (from outside) Prue, are you there? Both: Claire! (Pink Prue pushes real Prue behind the door.) Pink Prue: Claire, hi. Claire: I want an explanation for yesterday. Pink Prue: What do you mean? Claire: Helen Statler called to tell me that she was so offended by your behaviour that she's taking her collection to Kristy's. What happened? Pink Prue: Claire, um, I've already made arrangements to make a personal apology and put Bucklands back in the running. As a matter of fact, I convinced Miss Statler to meet me at her estate. See, here's the address. (She looks at the paper.) Claire: Okay, you really think you can get this account back? Pink Prue: I'd stake my job on it. Claire: Good, because you just did. Alright, I'll get my briefcase and we'll take my car. Pink Prue: No! Claire: No? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I'm not gonna leave you alone with that client again. (She leaves.) Real Prue: What was that? Pink Prue: Hail Mary pass. Real Prue: Okay, alright, let us think, um, I got it. I will take Claire to the wrong address, pretend we've been stood up or something. You call the other one of us at Quake. Pink Prue: I love it when I'm so decisive. Real Prue: Okay, look, you go get the other Prue and take her to the manor. Okay, and we'll finish this. (She dials the phone.) Hey, yeah, Pheebs, it's me. No, the real one. I'm just checking in. Pink Prue: We do that a lot don't we? Check in with our sisters, make sure they're okay. Don't you think if there were a problem, they would call us and let us know? Real Prue: Phoebe, I'll call you back. I have to go yell at myself. (She hangs up.) Claire: (from outside) Prue? (Real Prue pushes pink Prue behind the door.) Real Prue: Hi, hi. Ready to go? Claire: Wow, did you change your sweater? Real Prue: Yeah, black's more my colour. Come on. [Scene: Quake. The phone rings. Piper answers it.] Piper: Thank you for calling Quake. Pink Prue: Hi Piper, it's me. Piper: What colour? Pink Prue: The pink one. The real Prue just left with Claire, look, I need you to get the blue one to the manor. We're meeting Prue there before we go to Gabriel's estate. Piper: I've been thinking, have you guys thought about what happens after you separate Gabriel from his sword? Pink Prue: Well, the book said she took the sword away and that was it. Why? Piper: Well, what if he still comes after you? He's a warlord remember? Pink Prue: Once we get the sword we'll destroy him. He would be crazy to take us on. Piper, don't worry. We have a plan and we have powers. Piper: I just don't want to lose you... any of you. Pink Prue: You won't. I promise. Bye. (Piper hangs up and walks into the kitchen.) Piper: The pink... (Piper sees Blue Prue eating spaghetti with her fingers. Two cooks are watching her looking very turned on.) one just called and wants you to meet her. Prue, what are you doing? Blue Prue: Trying today's special. (to a chef) I think it needs a teeny bit more parmagian. (She licks her fingers.) Piper: I'm sure it's fine because today's special is glazed shortbread. Blue Prue: Forget the parmagian because if anybody knows food, it's my Piper. (to a chef) What's your speciality? Piper: Alright, come on you guys get to work, there you go, yeah I know, it's thrilling. Alright. Blue Prue: Yeah, I guess I shouldn't pet the help. Piper: What has gotten into you? Who has gotten into you? Because you're nothing like the real Prue. Blue Prue: Actually, I'm exactly like the real Prue, just the side that doesn't get to come out and play enough. I'm the flip side of the corporate, conservative clone. Piper: Alright, that's enough, get out of my kitchen before my cooks overheat. (She offers Piper some spaghetti) I don't want that. Yuh uh. [Scene: Bucklands car park. Pink Prue comes out of the elevator. Some sort of bomb roles down the stairs and blows up giving off a bright light which blinds pink Prue.] Gabriel: Blinded by the light. (Prue uses her power and moves Gabriel's sword so it cuts him.) You cut me, witch. (He stabs her.) [Cut to Claire's car. Real Prue holds her stomach in pain.] Prue: Aahh! Claire: Prue? [Cut back to pink Prue.] Pink Prue: Prue. (She dies.) Gabriel: Come on. Give it to me. (Helena comes up behind Gabriel.) Miss Statler: Where's her soul. Where's her magic? Gabriel: I've been trapped. She has none. Whoever this is it's not the real witch. [Cut back to the car.] Claire: Are you okay? Real Prue: No, I'm not. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Coroner's office. Andy is there with the coroner.] Coroner: Autopsy's were scheduled for first thing in the morning but the case officers said you might be able to I.D. the body now. Andy: Homicide victim, right? Coroner: Somebody ran it through as a bladed weapon so I'd call it a big yes. (The coroner gets a body out of the morgue.) No I.D. on the body but those are her personal things. (Andy looks in a plastic bag and sees the tickets to the Bay Area music awards. He looks at the body. It's Pink Prue.) Andy: Prue. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe is practicing her martial arts on the dummy. The doorbell rings. Phoebe answers it. Andy's there. He's been crying.] Phoebe: Hey, Andy. (Andy walks in.) Andy: Phoebe, I'm sorry. Phoebe: What did you do? Andy: This is serious, Phoebe. God, I've done this many times before but this is the worst. Prue's dead. They found her body dumped in the ravine near the precitio. Phoebe: Are you sure that it was Prue? Andy: I saw her body. Investigating officers found a couple of drops of blood on the path to the ravine, blood that probably belonged to the murderer. Phoebe: What was she wearing, Andy? Andy: Excuse me? Phoebe: What colour was she wearing, Andy? Andy: What colour? Phoebe did you just hear what I said? Phoebe: Okay, Andy, now I'm serious. Do you have any idea what colour sweater she was wearing when they found her? I know it sounds strange but it's important. Andy: I think the report said pink. Phoebe: Thank God. Andy: I just told you I saw your sister dead and you're relieved? Phoebe: Andy, it's uh, no secret that we fought at times. Andy: What the hell kind of answer is that, Phoebe? (Piper and blue Prue walk down the hallway.) Piper: (to blue Prue) If you have anymore ideas how to rearrange my business you can save it. Hi Andy. Blue Prue: Andy, nice tie. Andy: I was just at work... (Real Prue enters through the doorway and Piper freezes Andy.) Phoebe: Okay, I may not be an expert, but I think this is the time when somebody hides. Piper: Prue, what's the matter? Real Prue: What is he doing here? Phoebe: He saw you dead at the morgue, obviously a clone and he thought it would be better to break the news here. Real Prue: One of us is dead, I knew it, I felt it happen. Blue Prue: What do you mean? I didn't feel anything. Real Prue: I was in the car with Claire and when she died it felt like it was me. Piper: Uh, okay, but one crisis at a time. Prue you gotta go hide, go, get. (Andy unfreezes.) Andy: And I was in the morgue and you were on a slab. Piper: Andy, you know what they say, everybody has a twin out there somewhere. Andy: Not like this. There has to be a better explanation for what I saw. Phoebe: Okay, well, why do we have to come up with it? Andy: I know what I saw. Blue Prue: Okay, look, Andy, it means the world to me that you came but I'm here and believe me I didn't get killed today. As you can see I'm very much alive. And I'm fine, I promise. Andy: I can't argue with that. By the way, did you make up your mind about the concert? Blue Prue: What concert? Andy: The Bay Area Music Awards. Blue Prue: Oh, you mean the tickets that we ordered months ago. Did those tickets finally come in? Andy: Yeah, they came in the mail. Maybe I'll bring them over sometime. (He leaves. They go in the living room.) Blue Prue: Alright, we need to do something. Gabriel is going to find us and there aren't enough of us left defeat him. Piper: How do you know he's still after you? Real Prue: Because I'm still here. Blue Prue: And as long as I'm needed the spell is still alive. Phoebe: Do you think Gabriel knew he didn't get the real Prue? Blue Prue: I bet on it. We're gonna need more us's to fight him. Piper: More Prue's? Real Prue: Don't worry I'm never casting that spell again, I won't risk anymore me's. Blue Prue: What about our plan? Real Prue: We will still use our powers to sneak into Gabriel's estate. Except we won't be alone when we find him. Blue Prue: Prue, we're geniuses. Phoebe: What are you people thinking? Real Prue: Gabriel Statler is a flesh and blood person with a flesh and blood sister. The only thing that protects him, that makes him invulnerable is that sword. Blue Prue: And Gabriel has this weird binding passion for Helena. So, if we grab her we can use her as leverage. A sword for his sister. Phoebe: That's your plan? Blue Prue: Do you think he won't protect his own flesh and blood? Real Prue: Okay, look, we grab Helena and he either trades his sword for her life or we use her to buy more time until we figure out a way to separate him from his sword. Piper: Okay, so we'll go with you. Real Prue: No way. Today I felt my own death and when that sword went in I felt my life slipping away. I couldn't even imagine something like that happen to either of you. I'm more protective of you guys. [Scene: Statler's estate. Gabriel and Helena are there.] Gabriel: Anything from surveillance? Miss Statler: I saw at least two women identical to Prue Halliwell. One was leaving the restaurant in a blue sweater, the other was entering the manor in a black sweater. We're gonna have to chance it and tackle her at home. Just wait until the hours right before dawn. When they're certain to be asleep and vunerable. Gabriel: (moves a piece on a chess board) Check mate. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe and Piper enter Prue's room. The two Prue's are there.] Piper: Can we have a word with Prue? Both Prue's: Sure. Piper: The real Prue. Real Prue: Yeah, what's up? Piper: Um, in private please. If you don't mind. Phoebe: It's important. Sister stuff. Uh, no offence. Blue Prue: None taken. I'll wait out in the hall. (Blue Prue leaves the room.) Real Prue: I know what you guys are going to say and please don't talk me out of it. Phoebe: Okay, forgive us for not wanting you dead. Real Prue: No, I appreciate that. It's just that we'll be fine. Piper: You don't know that. The warehouse was a trap. How do you know his house isn't just as dangerous? Phoebe: The Statler's don't seem to be the white picket fence type. Real Prue: Well, it's our only option. Piper: No it isn't. Why go to him when you're stronger in your own home with us. Real Prue: And wait for Gabriel to find us? I don't think so. Phoebe: He's a strategist Prue. Every move he has made has been carefully planned, he's studied you. Piper: And if he's learned anything about you it's how protective you are. He knows you'll risk your self in order to save others. Especially your sisters. Phoebe: It's exactly what he wants. You only think you have the upper hand. Okay, just for a moment don't think of us as sister's that you need to protect. Piper: Think of us as sister's that can help you defend. Real Prue: You guys are right. You're right about Gabriel too. It's far too dangerous. Okay, I need to, we need to come up with another plan. So, you guys need to tell the other me. We might be having this conversation all over again. Piper: I'm not talking to that clone. Real Prue: You have to. Phoebe: Did anybody take notes? Piper: I'm not talking to that clone. (They go out to the hallway.) Phoebe: Prue? Piper: She's gone. Real Prue: Gabriel Statler's estate. Phoebe: It's exactly what you would have done isn't it? Real Prue: Yeah, she went to save all of us. Alright, we have to stop her before she does something. [Scene: Statler's estate. Blue Prue has tied Helena up.] Helena: Gabriel. Gabriel. Gabriel! (Gabriel enters the room.) Gabriel: My God, Helena. Helena: She tied me up. (Gabriel pulls out his sword.) Blue Prue: Ah, ah, ah. This in war terms is what I believe they called reversal of fortune. I'll make it easy for you. Your sword for your sister. Gabriel: Done. There's only one problem. You're not the real Prue Halliwell. Any woman smart enough to clone herself would not make the mistake of confronting me here. So tell me, how many of you are there? So, then you're the last clone. Let my sister go, and I'll promise to make it quick and painless for you and the real Prue. Blue Prue: Don't make me do this. Your sword for your sister, please. (Gabriel stabs Helena with his sword.) Gabriel: Who has the reversal of fortune now? [Cut to Piper's car.] Prue: Oohh. (Prue grabs her stomach.) Piper: Are you alright? Phoebe: What's going on? Prue: He's killing her. Oh, God I can feel the sword. I can't breathe. It's over, she's gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there.] Piper: Okay, now would be a good time for plan B. Phoebe: What about the evidence that Andy talked about? The trail of blood leaving the ravine where they found the first Prue. Piper: We can't assume it's Gabriel's. The book says he's invulnerable. Phoebe: To the weapons of man. That wouldn't include a crystal sword that sucks away your soul. Prue: Right, but I've already proven that you can't take his sword away from him. Phoebe: Why do we have to take it away? Why can't we move Gabriel and his sword even closer? Prue: Pheebs, you are so smart. (She hugs Phoebe and Phoebe has a premonition.) Phoebe: Speaking of getting closer, I think Gabriel's on his way here. [Scene: Coroner's office. Andy's there looking at Pink Prue's body.] Andy: And these fingerprints are cross referenced? Coroner: Okay, I fingerprinted Jane Doe myself and the reference prints you asked for Prudence Halliwell came out of her birth certificate from the archives which I took the liberty of verifying through her DNV records. Andy: And Prue Halliwell's prints are an identical match to Jane Doe's? Coroner: Down to the last whirl. Andy: That's statistically impossible. Not even identical twins have a natural variation. Coroner: Then I'd get on the horn to Ripley's Believe It Or Not because as far as forensic medicine can tell, this woman is Prue Halliwell. Andy: You leave Ripley's out of the loop a long with everyone else who was with me. [Scene: Manor. Prue is waiting for Gabriel. The lights turn off. Prue hears a noise and puts her sunglasses on. A bomb flies through the window and gives off a bright light. Gabriel jumps through the window.] Gabriel: Clever witch. (Prue runs into another room. Gabriel follows her and sees Phoebe's martial arts dummy. He throws his sword at it. Prue, Piper and Phoebe come out from behind the the couch. Piper freezes him.) Piper: Hey, check out G.I. Joe. (Phoebe kicks Gabriel and he flies against the wall.) It worked. (Prue gets the crystal sword out of the dummy.) Gabriel: My weapon. Prue: It's all yours. (She uses her powers and the sword flies into Gabriel. He explodes and disappears. The lights turn back on.) Piper: Peace at last. Prue: Well, too bad you didn't knock him back into the statue. (The doorbell rings) It's his army. Kidding, kidding. (Prue answers the door. Andy's standing there.) Andy, it's four in the morning. Andy: This isn't a social call, Prue. I need you to come with me. Prue: Where to? Andy: City morgue. I'll drive. [Scene: Coroner's office. Andy and Prue walk in.] Prue: Are you gonna tell me what this is all about because you haven't said a word since we got in the car? Andy: I'll show you what this is about. (He pulls out the slab. It's only got clothes on it.) Prue: I don't get it. Andy: I had a body on this slab. She was identical to you right down to your fingerprints. Prue: Andy, I don't know what you want me to say. Andy: You know, ever since you came back into my life it's been one weird coincidence after another. And you don't know what to say. Prue: Why don't you tell me what you want to hear. Andy, I'm sorry but there is nothing but clothes on that slab, so why don't you just take me home. [Scene: Quake. Piper and Phoebe are sitting at a table. Prue comes up and sits down. She's holding a gift basket. Phoebe is reading a newspaper.] Phoebe: "Curiously, the only item found by the slain body of Helena Statler was a blue sweater." Prue: That's a shame because I kinda liked that sweater. Phoebe: What's with the gift basket? Prue: Oh, it's a thank you for my assistant. Believe me, she earned it. Piper: Tumbler number 345, 46 and 47. And that ladies is the end of Quake's yearly inventory. Phoebe: And the end of crowded bathrooms, the end of no hot water and the end of three Prue's hogging all the good clothes. Prue: You know one day you might actually hear what you sound like when you say stuff like that. Phoebe: And I will find myself sassy and delightful. Prue: I won't count on it. Alright, to me, myself and I, and to you guys. I couldn't have done it without you, thank you. Phoebe: And to me for kicking some serious demon butt. Prue: And to clones who vanished without a trace. Piper: Poor Andy, do you think he'll ever figure it out? Prue: I don't know but uh, I wouldn't underestimate him. After what happened this morning we're gonna have to be extra careful. [Scene: Andy's office. He has a folder of Prue's confidential files. He's looking through newspaper clippings and finds one on witchcraft. He then picks up the Bay Area Music Awards tickets and her fingerprints chart. He puts it all back in his draw and sits back in his chair.]
Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who has a premonition about an evil warlock killing Prue? A: Prue; Q: Who decides to cast a spell to multiply her powers? A: multiple copies; Q: What does Prue make of herself? A: Andy; Q: Who gets some surprising news from the medical examiner? A: a self defense course; Q: What has Phoebe signed up for? Summary: After Phoebe has a premonition about an evil warlock killing Prue to obtain her powers, Prue decides to cast a spell to multiply her powers. However, it doesn't turn out like she expected and as a result, she makes multiple copies of herself. As Piper and Phoebe try to find the best way to warn Prue not fight the warlock on her own, Andy gets some rather surprising news from the medical examiner. Prue and Piper are surprised to find out Phoebe has signed up for a self defense course.
THE MIND OF EVIL BY: DON HOUGHTON 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE (Flames appear before the DOCTOR again as he lets out a small cry of terror. Then he hears the all too familiar cry of his most feared enemy - the Daleks...) DALEK: Exterminate! Annihilate! Destroy! Exterminate! Annihilate! Destroy! (...and a succession of monsters float past his eyes - a Silurian, a Zarbi, Slaar - the Ice Lord, a War Machine and a Cyberman. The DOCTOR'S cries grow louder and his eyes bulge in terror. The metal assault is too great and his heads suddenly drops forward.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY (The "experiment" in the process theatre has had an incredible effect on the prisoners. They moan and writhe on the floor in mental pain - even MAILER. The MASTER comes out of the side room. He to holds his fingers to his temples as he feels the effects of the machine. He struggles across the room to the doors of the process theatre where the door has been barred.) PRISONER: (Moaning.) Stooppp! (The MASTER takes the bar off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE (Inside the darkened room, the machine is still pulsing away. The MASTER enters and stumbles across the room, almost holding on to the walls themselves. He reaches the control bank and starts deactivate the device. After several attempts, the pulsing noise from the Keller machine dies down and the lights in the room brighten. As the mental waves decrease, the MASTER rushes across to the DOCTOR. With a look of intent concern on his face, he takes the amplification device from behind the DOCTOR'S ear and briefly looks him over. Then, looking round the room, he spots a stethoscope which he puts on and listens to the DOCTOR'S hearts - only the right one is beating. The MASTER is about to begin resuscitation when MAILER virtually crawls into the room.) MAILER: Is he dead? MASTER: No, not quite. Wait outside. (MAILER goes. The MASTER begins to beat on the DOCTOR'S chest.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (JO and DR. SUMMERS are still in their cell. JO is deep in thought, then...) JO: I know! We can... (They hear a noise outside the door. They step towards it but then SUMMERS pulls her away.) DR. SUMMERS: Get back! (The door opens and VOSPER enters - gun in hand. Another prisoner - CHARLIE - is with him.) VOSPER: (To SUMMERS.) All right you. You're being transferred. DR. SUMMERS: What about Miss Grant? VOSPER: Luxury suite - all to herself. DR. SUMMERS: (His voice rising.) Look, if Miss Grant stays, so do I... VOSPER: (To CHARLIE.) ... , take him. DR. SUMMERS: (Shouts.) ...I'm not leaving here without her! VOSPER: Take him out. (CHARLIE pulls SUMMERS outside. He shouts all the way.) DR. SUMMERS: Why don't you take us both back to the medical wing? At least we could do some good there! JO: (To VOSPER.) What's so special about me? VOSPER: We're saving you for the machine, ain't we? (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE (The MASTER slaps the DOCTOR'S face.) MASTER: Wake up! Wake up! (The DOCTOR is covered with sweat and is weak as he starts to come round.) MASTER: Welcome back. (The look of concern on his face disappears.) MASTER: Would it surprise you to know that one of your hearts stopped completely? You were within an inch of dying. DOCTOR: (Almost in a whisper.) You wanted...you wanted to know...how long I could hold out against that machine. (The MASTER nods.) DOCTOR: Well the answer is I can't. Nobody can. MASTER: Of course you can! If I can control it from that console then so can you - and you must while I'm not here. DOCTOR: (Weakly.) No...no... MASTER: Oh, come on, Doctor. We are both Time Lords. DOCTOR: Be that as it may...I know...I know the secret of that machine. Inside it...is a creature that...that feeds on the evil of the mind...and very soon it'll feed on yours. MASTER: Nonsense! Mailer! (MAILER enters, pistol in hand.) MASTER: Release him...and then put him in the cell with Miss Grant. (As MAILER starts to un-cuff the DOCTOR, the MASTER leans over him threateningly.) MASTER: Now listen, Doctor, if you don't do what I ask of you, Miss Grant will be next in line for the process. You just remember that. (To MAILER.) Right, take him out. (MAILER has to help the DOCTOR up and out of the chair.) MAILER: Come on Doc. On your feet! Up! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY (The DOCTOR can barely stand as, with his arm round MAILER'S shoulders, he is carried towards the main staircase, the MASTER following.) MAILER: Come on, up you come! (The DOCTOR is almost dragged up the stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (JO hears MAILER'S voice.) MAILER: (OOV: Outside the cell.) Come on Doc, your feet are dragging! Now come on - help me! (She rushes to the door.) JO: Doctor! Doctor, is that you?! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. STAIRCASE OUTSIDE CELL MAILER: Down! (MAILER virtually carries the DOCTOR down the stairs where VOSPER stands guard.) MAILER: Move! Move! Move! (They reach the bottom of the stairs. The DOCTOR seems to revive and grabs MAILER, throwing him to the floor. He goes for VOSPER but his energy seems to fail him. VOSPER grabs him.) VOSPER: No you don't! Back! (MAILER gets off the floor behind the DOCTOR and raises his pistol to club him. The MASTER appears at the top of the staircase.) MASTER: Mailer! I want the Doctor in one piece. Now put him in the cell as I told you. MAILER: (To VOSPER.) Come on, open this door! VOSPER: Yeah. (VOSPER does so.) MAILER: Now... JO: (OOV: Within the cell.) Doctor! (As MAILER pushes the DOCTOR into the cell, he ignores the MASTER'S previous instruction and clubs him on the back of the neck.) MASTER: (To MAILER.) I told you...! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (The DOCTOR falls to the ground. JO looks briefly over him then rushes to pour some water from a jug. Behind her, the MASTER enters the cell.) MASTER: Good evening, Miss Grant. What a great pleasure it is to see you again. (JO turns.) JO: The Master! What are you doing here? MASTER: Oh, the Doctor will tell you about it when he's recovered. JO: What have you been doing to him?! MASTER: Nothing - just a little persuasion. JO: No! MASTER: Do try and make him see sense, my dear - for your sake. Goodnight. (He leaves the cell and closes the door. JO runs back to the DOCTOR and starts to assist him.) MAILER: (OOV: Outside the cell.) If you've got any sense, just hand him over to me and the boys for an hour, we'll soften him up. MASTER: (OOV: Outside the cell.) Mailer, all that you will do will kill him - I don't want that. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. STAIRCASE OUTSIDE CELL MASTER: (To VOSPER.) I want an armed man outside this cell the whole time. VOSPER: Right, I'll do it myself. MASTER: Mailer, I want the whole 'B' wing cleared except for these two in here. MAILER: What the hell for? MASTER: Don't argue, Mailer - do it. Then meet me in the Governor's office when it's finished. MAILER: Yes...sir. (The MASTER leaves them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (JO listens to the DOCTOR'S chest and feels his forehead.) MASTER: (OOV: Outside the cell.) You hang on here, Len, yeah? VOSPER: (OOV: Outside the cell.) Yeah. MAILER: (OOV: Outside the cell.) I'll see you. (MAILER can be heard climbing the staircase. JO goes to the cell door and shouts.) JO: Hey! Hey you out there! Listen to me! We need help urgently. (VOSPER opens the hatch on the door...) VOSPER: Go to sleep darling. (...and closes it again.) JO: Look, open this door! Please, open this door! (The cell door opens and VOSPER comes in.) VOSPER: A proper little Miss Nightingale, in't you? JO: Look at him - he needs a Doctor. VOSPER: Pity... (The DOCTOR stirs slightly. JO runs back to him.) JO: Help me! Well at least help me get him up onto the bed. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE (The dial on the front of the Keller machine twitches in the "full" red section. The MASTER enters the room and looks warily at the machine. He straightens his shoulders and walks towards the machine. It starts to come to life, building up power...) MASTER: You can't harm me. I'm stronger than you are. (The MASTER continues to stare at the machine but he flinches as he feels an extra strong pulse of energy. He puts his fingers to his temples at attempts to fight back. The pulsing from the machine grows stronger.) MASTER: I brought you here...I gave you the minds you need to feed on! (The MASTER rocks on his feet.) MASTER: You are my servant! (The MASTER staggers to the other side of the machine.) MASTER: You are my servant! I...! (It continues its relentless assault. He runs to the control bank and, his face creased in pain, tries to switch off the machine. He fails as the pulses from the machine reach a new pitch of intensity. He stares at it - a look of fear on his face. Suddenly, the MASTER'S greatest fear appears in front of him - a huge towering image of the DOCTOR laughing with contempt and derision.) MASTER: No! No! (The DOCTOR'S laughter grows fiercer and louder. The MASTER staggers to a chair and literally tries to hide his face from the image. The apparition of the DOCTOR reaches out and seems to grasp the MASTER in one of his huge hands.) MASTER: You can't destroy me! I am too strong for you! I am too strong for you! (He runs for the door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY (...pulling the door to behind him and putting the bar back in place. The moans of the prisoners can be heard again. The MASTER gasps for breath.) MASTER: No more minds for you to feed on. Let's see how long starvation takes to...bring you to heel. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (DR. SUMMERS has been brought to the cell. The unconscious DOCTOR has been placed on the cell bed and - at VOSPER'S gunpoint - is being examined by SUMMERS. He moves a stethoscope over the DOCTOR'S chest.) DR. SUMMERS: It's extraordinary. Quite extraordinary. His physical make-up, it...it's just not human. JO: But what's the matter with him? DR. SUMMERS: He's been beaten up, of course - physically and mentally. (He shines a light in the DOCTOR'S eyes.) DR. SUMMERS: His whole...system's suffered a tremendous shock. He's in...some kind of a coma, but I... JO: Can't you do anything for him? DR. SUMMERS: I very much doubt it. You could try giving him... (He crosses to his medical bag and picks out a bottle of tablets which he hands to JO.) DR. SUMMERS: ...one of these, if he recovers consciousness. (He checks that VOSPER isn't listening.) DR. SUMMERS: Listen Jo, who organised this break? VOSPER: (Overhearing.) Right Doc, times up. What's the verdict? He done for? DR. SUMMERS: Not quite. Though it's no thanks to you. (VOSPER laughs and turns to the door.) VOSPER: Come on, Doc. Don't forget to send in your bill! Charlie? (He knocks on the door and the prisoner outside opens it.) DR. SUMMERS: (To JO.) Take care, hmm? JO: And you. (He leaves and VOSPER locks JO back in. The DOCTOR murmurs. JO runs back to him and tries to place a tablet in his mouth.) JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: Doctor, take one of these. DOCTOR: Mmm... JO: Come on... DOCTOR: Ahh. JO: Come on, just try... DOCTOR: Ahh... (The DOCTOR moves his head from side to side as JO tries to give him the tablet. He comes round briefly.) DOCTOR: That's wrong...wrong metabolism. It'd probably...probably kill me, Jo. I'm all right. I'm all right, Jo. Just...just let me rest...let me rest. (His eyes close and he falls back unconscious.) JO: Doctor! Please! (She starts to cry but the DOCTOR remains unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The MASTER sits back in the Governor's chair, sweating and mopping his brow. MAILER enters.) MAILER: All right, fixed that... (MAILER stops as he sees the MASTER'S condition.) MAILER: Here, you all right? (The MASTER quickly recovers his demeanour.) MASTER: Yes, yes, of course, of course. MAILER: You don't look any too good to me. MASTER: Mailer, I want a guard on that process room the whole time. No one's to go near that machine - no one. MAILER: I don't think any of my lot are likely to. MASTER: Yes, I know but morbid curiosity can be very strong. See to it, will you? (MAILER starts to leave.) MASTER: Mailer! (Warmly.) Mailer, you've done very well. I...I'm pleased with you. MAILER: Good. Then, er, perhaps you'd like to do something for me? MASTER: Why, certainly - anything. (MAILER sits in the visitors chair.) MAILER: Perhaps you'd like to tell me why the hell we don't get out of here before it gets light. MASTER: My dear Mailer, you are just not thinking. A great gang of armed convicts roaming round the countryside? (The MASTER reaches down under a table, picks up a small slide projector and places it on the desk.) MAILER: If we can get our civvies back, there's cars outside. MASTER: Yes, maybe. (He pulls down on a cord on the wall behind the desk and drags down a projector screen.) MASTER: But have you thought that as well as the police, you'd have the...army against you? (He turns the lights in the room down, then crosses to the window and draws the curtains.) MASTER: Dogs, troops, helicopters. Ha! By morning, you'd all be captured or killed. MAILER: Yeah, all right. So, er, you've got a better idea? MASTER: I think so, yes. How would you like a free pardon, unlimited money and a ticket to anywhere in the world? MAILER: How would I like it? Do me a favour! MASTER: Right, pay attention and I'll show you how to get it. (He switches on the slide projector. The image shown is that of a familiar shape.) MASTER: Now, that is Thunderbolt. It's a gas missile, nuclear powered and British, of course! MAILER: Of course... MASTER: Now, the most important thing is that it's illegal, because gas warfare's been outlawed for many years. Therefore the British government are going to dump that in the sea. Now, tomorrow morning, that missile, with a very small escort, will pass within a few miles of this prison. MAILER: (Sarcastically.) I see, and, er, you'd like me to hijack it? MASTER: Right first time! MAILER: Eh? MASTER: I'm going to aim that at the peace conference in London. MAILER: You've gotta be joking! MASTER: I am not joking. You look at this map. (He changes to slide and projects a map of the local area. He points with a pencil to the prison.) MASTER: Now, here's the prison...and this... (He points to spot on a road south of the prison.) MASTER: ...is where you will ambush the convoy. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (The next morning, the DOCTOR is still unconscious and JO has fallen asleep in a chair. A noise at the door awakens her and she goes over to the bed as VOSPER comes into the room, still with his pistol.) JO: Doctor? Doctor? VOSPER: Morning. (He looks down at the DOCTOR.) VOSPER: Oh, he's still with us then? JO: Sorry, you're disappointed. VOSPER: You watch your tongue. JO: How about some breakfast? VOSPER: What do you think this is - a holiday camp? JO: You weren't told to starve us to death. (Shouts.) What good do you think he's going to be to the Master is he doesn't have any food inside him! VOSPER: All right! All right! (He goes to the door and bangs his gun on it.) VOSPER: Charlie! CHARLIE: (OOV: Outside cell.) Yeah? (CHARLIE comes in.) VOSPER: Nip down the kitchens - get some grub for these two. CHARLIE: Right. (He leaves the cell.) VOSPER: (To JO.) Though by the look of him...I don't think he's gonna need it. (He smiles and walks out, pulling the door to. JO sits back forlornly in the chair. The DOCTOR'S eyes suddenly open and he sits up with remarkable speed.) DOCTOR: Well done, my dear! Now perhaps we can do something about getting out of here. (JO smiles in delight.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. STANGMOOR PRISON. COURTYARD (The MASTER addresses a small group of armed convicts who are gathered next to a Black Mariah van.) MASTER: Remember - if you're successful, this will be your passport to freedom - anywhere! (The prisoners exchange excited comments between themselves.) MASTER: All right, good luck to you. (The MASTER walks off.) MAILER: Everybody got the picture? All right then, let's go. Now come on, move! (They start to enter the van.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. CELL (The DOCTOR lies back on the bed. He and JO exchange last minute whispered instructions as their is a noise heard outside the cell. The DOCTOR closes his eyes and feigns unconsciousness. VOSPER enters, gun as ever in his hand. He is eating part of the prepared breakfast that CHARLIE carries.) VOSPER: Here's your grub then. I'll watch the door, Charlie. JO: I thought that was meant to be for us? (VOSPER leaves the room. CHARLIE makes a comment to JO as he takes the tray of food over to the table but JO holds her hands out for it.) JO: Thanks. (JO throws he hands upwards, knocking the tray into CHARLIE'S face. He covers his face with his hands and JO chops the back of his neck. He falls to the floor as the DOCTOR jumps up off the bed. JO hands him the empty tray and he stands behind the door. JO stands immediately in front of the door.) VOSPER: (OOV: Outside cell.) Charlie! What's the matter? (VOSPER comes into the room and shouts at JO.) VOSPER: What the devil's going on here? (The DOCTOR crashes the tray down on to VOSPER'S head. He cries out and falls to the floor, helped by a kick from JO. She then picks up his dropped gun and the two escapees rush out of the cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. STAIRCASE OUTSIDE CELL (The DOCTOR locks the cell after him.) JO: Really, Doctor, for someone who was on death's door! DOCTOR: Yes, I do have remarkable powers of recovery, don't I? Come on! (They rush up the stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (They manage to reach the safety of the Governor's office. It is still in darkness but empty. The DOCTOR cautiously looks round while JO goes and pulls back a curtain, looking out of the window.) JO: They seem to be setting up some kind of search party. (The DOCTOR joins her.) DOCTOR: Yes, they'll be expecting us to try and make a break for it. JO: Well, aren't we? DOCTOR: No - not while they're all chasing around. Let them cool off for a bit. We'll try again later. (He goes over to the desk and sits in the visitor's chair. JO stops and thinks.) JO: Telephone! There must be a telephone here somewhere. DOCTOR: There is... (He points to a closed wooden box on the Governor's desk. JO runs across to it.) DOCTOR: ...but it's locked. In any case, it'll be manned by convicts. (JO sees the slide projector and switches it on. The slide of the missile is displayed.) JO: What's that? DOCTOR: That, my dear Jo, is the Thunderbolt. Captain Yates is escorting it...I hope. JO: What's it got to do with the Master? DOCTOR: Everything. He's hoping to steal it! [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The Black Mariah has been parked in a side track off a country road. MAILER, armed, runs to the road and looks round. He sees something and shouts to his comrades.) MAILER: Get down! (All the armed convicts are posted at the side of the road behind bushes and fence posts, lying in wait. MAILER runs up to a group of them.) MAILER: Right now, don't forget - wait 'til they get level before you let them have it. PRISONER: Here they come! (Down the road, the convoy appears through the trees. It comprises of four motorcycle outriders, a UNIT jeep and then the Thunderbolt itself on the back of a low-loader. MAILER runs off into hiding. The convoy nears. There is a series of explosions and the motorcycles are thrown to the side of the road. At the same time, the convicts start firing on the other two vehicles. The jeep, driven by SERGEANT BENTON drives into a ditch and the SERGEANT falls out, wounded. As the low-loader continues onwards, the Black Mariah pulls out in front of it. MAILER reaches into the driver's cab and pulls the soldier inside out of the vehicle. All the time, the convicts are firing at the motorcyclists. CAPTAIN YATES runs to the roadside and into the cover of some bushes. He pulls out his radio and speaks into it.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Venus to Jupiter, Venus to Jupiter. Convoy under armed attack. Estimated position... (Across the road, a convict runs up, sees him and fires. YATES falls to the ground with a cry of pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. UNIT LONDON HQ. OUTER OFFICE (The BRIGADIER is on the radio watched by CORPORAL BELL.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Jupiter to Venus, Jupiter to Venus, give us your position. I say again, give us your position! Over. (But only static comes through the loudspeaker. The BRIGADIER grimly switches off the radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right! (He crosses to join BELL and another soldier at a wall map.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (YATES lies unconscious, his left hand bleeding. There is still the sound of gunfire. YATES comes round and, in some pain, picks up the radio which has a damaged aerial.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Venus to Jupiter, do you read me? Over. (YATES crawls along the ground to get a better view of the proceedings. He sees the prisoners moving the Black Mariah out of the way. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Venus to Jupiter, do you read me? Over. (Both the Mariah and the low-loader then drive off. YATES struggles to his feet and runs back to the attacked UNIT convoy. BENTON lies on the ground, his head bleeding but he is moving. YATES runs over to one of the motorcycles whose engine is still running. He picks it up and drives off. BENTON comes round briefly and looks round before he falls down again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. UNIT LONDON HQ. OUTER OFFICE (The BRIGADIER stands before the road map with CORPORAL BELL. He points at two places with his swagger stick.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The last time he checked in he was here. Now, given the average speed of the convoy and the time of the emergency call, the ambush should have taken place...about here. I want a chopper standing by to take me down there as soon as possible. CORPORAL BELL: I'll get on to it right away, sir. (She crosses to a phone.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And I'll need a mobile HQ and a full forensic team in the area. CORPORAL BELL: (Into phone.) Extension 3-4. (To the BRIGADIER.) Shall I ask for police and army co-operation, sir? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No - UNIT personnel only. This missile isn't supposed to exist. Keep trying to get through to Captain Yates. CORPORAL BELL: Right sir. (The BRIGADIER leaves the office. BELL speaks into the radio.) CORPORAL BELL: Jupiter to Venus, Jupiter to Venus, do you read me? Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. ROAD (YATES continues to follow the hi-jacked convoy on his motorcycle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. HANGER (The convoy itself proceeds into the grounds of a deserted aircraft hanger in a flat remote spot. The convicts get out of the Black Mariah and the low-loader.) MAILER: All right, let's get these doors open. Come on! (The convicts, together with some men wearing army uniforms, open the hanger doors and detach the missile and its launcher from the low-loader. Nearby YATES arrives on his motorcycle. The lack of suitable cover means that he has few hiding places for himself or his bike. He gets off the machine which he leaves next to a hut and takes the risk of getting as close to the hanger doors as he can. The only suitable spot he can find is to lie low on the ground behind tufts of tall grass. MAILER barks another command at some of the convicts.) MAILER: Come on! In! (Half of the group get into the Black Mariah and YATES watches as it drives off. Having seen that the missile is to be stored at the hanger he makes a run back for his bike but his luck has run out. The remaining convicts spot him and start shooting at the retreating motorcycle. One of the bullets finds its mark and YATES falls to the ground as the bike ploughs into a pile of crates. The convicts run up, kick the dazed soldier over and haul him to his feet before leading him away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The UNIT team have reached the site of the convoy hijack. As various forensic members pore over the remaining motorcycles, SERGEANT BENTON, sat by the roadside, is bandaged by a first-aid officer while the BRIGADIER questions him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Is that all you can tell me? SERGEANT BENTON: It happened so quickly, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Did you see what happened to Captain Yates? SERGEANT BENTON: I thought they'd got him? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Not unless they took the body with them. One of the bikes is missing. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, maybe he followed them, sir? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, maybe. (To the first-aid officer.) Right, thanks. SERGEANT BENTON: There's just one thing, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, just before I passed out, I could have sworn I saw a plain black van. The sort the police use - Black Mariah. (The BRIGADIER turns to a nearby solder...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Map! (...who runs up with the document.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Thank you. (He unfolds the map, looks over it and realises the connection...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Stangmoor prison... SERGEANT BENTON: What sir? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, where else would you get a Black Mariah? [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR and JO are still in the Governor's office. The DOCTOR taps a pencil, deep in thought. JO walks away from the window.) JO: Doctor, we can just go on sitting here. DOCTOR: Why not? Well, it's the safest place at the moment. They'll never think of looking for us here. (JO turns away with an exasperated sigh.) DOCTOR: Besides, I need more time to think. I've got to find out a way of dealing with that alien creature out there. JO: (Surprised.) What alien creature? DOCTOR: The one inside the Keller machine. JO: Do you really believe there's something alive in there? DOCTOR: I do. JO: Well, what is it? DOCTOR: It's a sort of mind parasite that feeds on evil. The deadliest threat to mankind since the beginning of time. (He snaps the pencil in concentration. JO goes back to the window.) JO: Doctor! DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: The Master! (The DOCTOR rushes over and joins her.) JO: He seems to be leaving. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. STANGMOOR PRISON. COURTYARD (The MASTER gets into his chauffeur driven limousine...) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR: Right! Now's our chance. (They head for the door.) JO: We'll slip out by the hospital and through the rear courtyard. DOCTOR: I didn't mean our chance to escape, Jo. (He takes his cloak off the hanger.) DOCTOR: I meant our chance to get into that process chamber and deal with that machine once and for all. (Jo nods and hands him VOSPER'S pistol.) DOCTOR: No, thank you. (He hands it back.) DOCTOR: You were trained to use those things. They only make me nervous. (He ushers her out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE (The Keller machine has come to life of its own accord once more. Its pulses build up, the very air seems to shimmer and then the machine fades away into thin air. The shimmering stops and the room is empty and silent...) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY (CHARLIE, rifle in hand, makes his way down the lower level of the main gallery, kicking open cell doors in his search for the DOCTOR and JO. He stops in his progress as the air at his feet shimmers - and the Keller machine materialises. It immediately starts its mental attack on CHARLIE. Holding his head he falls to the ground. He gets up on his knees, retrieves the rifle and starts firing at the machine. Suddenly, the air is filled with a bright flare and CHARLIE falls back with a terrified scream. Its victim dealt with, the Keller machine dematerialises in shimmer of air. The gallery falls silent with only the still body of CHARLIE as evidence of the incident. After a moment, the DOCTOR and JO descend a spiral staircase and run up to the body.) JO: His face! He looks terrified - just like the others! DOCTOR: Perhaps the creature's learned to move. Come on. (They run to the doors of the process theatre, take the bar off the door and enter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE JO: You were right - it's gone! DOCTOR: Yes. (MAILER and VOSPER walk into the room - guns pointed.) MAILER: All right, girl, drop it! You heard me - I said drop it. (Jo drops the pistol on the floor.) MAILER: Clever girl. (To the DOCTOR.) Now, as for you, we've had enough of you... DOCTOR: Yes, well, before you pull that trigger, I... (The DOCTOR hears the build up of a familiar noise...) MAILER: What's the matter with you? DOCTOR: (Horrified.) Look...look behind you. MAILER: I've heard that one before. DOCTOR: Look behind you! (Immediately outside the doors of the theatre, the air can be seen to shimmer and the Keller machine materialises. VOSPER turns and starts to fire at the machine. MAILER runs for cover behind one of the doors to the theatre whilst the DOCTOR pulls JO behind the control bank.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. MAIN GALLERY (VOSPER staggers out of the theatre, crying out in pain and firing at the machine. Again, there is a flare of light and the machine claims another victim.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. STANGMOOR PRISON. PROCESS THEATRE (The DOCTOR and JO remain in their hiding place. Through the doors of the theatre, the machine dematerialises. The DOCTOR whispers to JO. She nods and the two cautiously get up and slowly start to make for the door. Hardly have they gone a few steps when the DOCTOR holds her back - the machine is materialising on its stand next to the process chair. Holding his head in pain, MAILER runs out from his hiding place, fires a shot and runs out of the theatre. Left behind, the DOCTOR and JO feel the mental assault from the machine beginning on them...)
Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who is Jo held prisoner with? A: the Master; Q: Who convinces Mailer to help him steal the Thunderbolt? Summary: With the Doctor and Jo being held prisoner, the Master convinces Mailer to help him steal the Thunderbolt.
THE ANDROIDS OF TARA BY: DAVID FISHER Part Four Running time: 24:49 [SCENE_BREAK] ZADEK: Commander, take six men, mount up and follow the Count. DOCTOR: He'll be halfway to Castle Gracht by now. FARRAH: You know, you almost have to admire the man. ZADEK: Admire him? I should have killed him when he walked in here, flag of truce or no flag of truce. FARRAH: You've got to admit, sir, it takes courage to walk in here, to distract our attention while his men kidnap Miss Romana. I mean, it takes nerve. ZADEK: Nerve is one quality Grendel has never been short of. [SCENE_BREAK] REYNART: Romana! ROMANA: Are you all right? REYNART: I thought you'd escaped. GRENDEL: She had, but I knew Your Majesty couldn't live without her, so I brought her back for you. ROMANA: Why do you torment him? GRENDEL: Oh, now that's really most unfair, my dear. I'm really quite hurt. All I'm doing is to restore to His Majesty his bride-to-be. ROMANA: What? GRENDEL: You'll make a lovely couple. ROMANA: What's his idea? Is it a joke? REYNART: Oh, no. Grendel doesn't joke about political power. ROMANA: Then what's his plan? REYNART: To become legal, rightful King of Tara. You see, if you marry me you will automatically become Queen, but five minutes after the wedding you would almost certainly be a widow. ROMANA: He'd kill you? REYNART: He would. And the moment you're widowed, Count Grendel, that well-known champion of widows and orphans, would step in and marry you, thus becoming Consort of the rightful Queen of Tara. ROMANA: And then it would be my turn for an unfortunate accident. REYNART: Precisely. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: This is not wine, but vinegar. Fetch good wine, dog! GRENDEL: Ah, Archimandrite. Welcome. ARCHIMANDRITE: What is so urgent that I must leave my duties and hurry here like this? GRENDEL: I'm sorry, Archimandrite, but there is a ceremony you must perform. ARCHIMANDRITE: Here? What ceremony? GRENDEL: A marriage. ARCHIMANDRITE: Your own chaplain could have done that. GRENDEL: Not this marriage. ARCHIMANDRITE: Why? Who is to be married, and to whom? GRENDEL: The King to the Princess Strella. ARCHIMANDRITE: The King? Here? GRENDEL: He has placed himself under my protection, your Eminence. Sadly, I have to tell you he is sick. In fact, he's very near to death. ARCHIMANDRITE: Oh, dear, dear, dear. He did not look well at the coronation. Not himself at all. GRENDEL: No. No, I did note that, Archimandrite. ARCHIMANDRITE: But near to death, you say? GRENDEL: Indeed he is. It would be as well if you stayed here. I fear he will be in need of the funeral rites very soon after the wedding. ARCHIMANDRITE: Oh, how sad. GRENDEL: Mmm, yes. And after the funeral rites, there will be a second wedding for you to perform. ARCHIMANDRITE: A second wedding? May I ask whose that will be? GRENDEL: My own. I shall be marrying the poor King's widow. [SCENE_BREAK] FARRAH: But surely, sir, we have a supply problem if we place the batteries there. ZADEK: But if we do what you're suggesting, we expose our left flank. DOCTOR: How long do you think the siege will last, Zadek? ZADEK: Hard to say. The last siege of the Castle of Gracht went on for nearly two years. DOCTOR: Two years? Well, we haven't got two years before Grendel kills both the King and Romana. Anyway, looking at that plan, I'd say there's only one way into the castle. ZADEK: What's that? DOCTOR: If someone on the inside opens the main gate and a group of our men, under cover of darkness, take the guard by surprise. FARRAH: That's hardly ethical. ZADEK: Have you ever known Grendel abide by the rules of war? But who's going to open the gates? DOCTOR: Me. ZADEK: One man alone? DOCTOR: No, no. One man and his dog. Come on, K9. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Open. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Your Highness. STRELLA: Grendel. GRENDEL: I have come to offer you one last chance to change your mind. STRELLA: Never. GRENDEL: The Archimandrite is here, the King is here. It will be quite easy for you. STRELLA: Grendel, I've told you already. I will never marry you under any circumstances, and I will not marry the King under these circumstances. GRENDEL: Come, come, my dear. Don't you want to be Queen? STRELLA: I know, Grendel, that as long as I refuse to marry the King, his life is safe. GRENDEL: Huh. And that matters to you? STRELLA: More than my own life. For the last time, I will not go through any marriage under your roof. You can kill me if you like. GRENDEL: Very well, my dear, I may just do that before long. You have become dispensable, Princess. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Open. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: How is he? ROMANA: Very weak. GRENDEL: Oh, what a shame. I fear he's not long for this world. ROMANA: Nonsense. All he needs is some proper medical GRENDEL: I know exactly what he needs, my dear. Just as long as he's the strength left for a little ceremony. REYNART: Never. Do you hear me, Grendel? Never. GRENDEL: Oh, what a pity, because I'm sure you wouldn't want to be the cause of Princess Strella's death, would you? REYNART: What do you mean? GRENDEL: Or you, my dear. ROMANA: What are you saying? GRENDEL: The Princess, the real Princess, that is, is in the next dungeon. For the moment she's quite safe. REYNART: If you harm her, Grendel GRENDEL: What! What can you do? Be quiet and listen to me. I had everything arranged before this girl and her friend interfered. Madame Lamia was preparing a perfect android copy of the Princess for you to marry. You would have been married with full ceremony, and after your unfortunate death at her hands, she would have married me. Now Madame Lamia is dead and the android can never be completed. So, we need another bride. ROMANA: Well, if you think you can persuade me to marry anybody, you're wrong. GRENDEL: Oh, but I do. I'm sure you will. Because if you refuse, the Princess will die. Very slowly. Now what have you to say? Good. I thought you'd see reason. I shall return shortly. Be ready. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: All right, K9, let's go. ZADEK: The old watergate should be right under the far wall. DOCTOR: Good. ZADEK: I'm afraid the door must be a foot thick. The timbers were intended to withstand any battering ram. DOCTOR: Don't worry. ZADEK: But DOCTOR: Don't worry, we'll manage. You just make sure you're all ready to charge in the moment those gates are open. FARRAH: Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes? FARRAH: Take this. You may need it. DOCTOR: Too complicated for me. ZADEK: We'll be waiting, Doctor. DOCTOR: Good. ZADEK: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Is everything ready? TILL: Almost, master. GRENDEL: There must be no hitches in any of the ceremonies tonight. TILL: No, master. GRENDEL: Kurster, a word. KURSTER: My lord. GRENDEL: Make sure our guards are alert. You yourself watch everything. At the first sign of trouble, get down to the dungeons and deal with the Princess. You understand me? KURSTER: I do, my lord. GRENDEL: I shall deal with the King myself. KURSTER: I shall be nearby if you need help. GRENDEL: Ah, Archimandrite. Are you ready? ARCHIMANDRITE: I am. Where are the happy couple? They are in their quarters. I shall inform them we are ready and conduct them here myself. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Here we are, K9. Here we are. This must be it. K9: Affirmative, master. This is the position marked on the plan. DOCTOR: Shush. Quiet. Just start cutting. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Open. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Kurster. GRENDEL: Well, why so miserable? This should be the happiest day of your life. It will also be your last, so you might as well enjoy it. GRENDEL: Remember, no trouble or the Princess dies. That I promise. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hear that, K9? Wedding bells or a funeral knell? Do hurry up. A hamster with a blunt penknife would do it quicker. K9: You ordered me to make no noise, master. DOCTOR: Just get on with it. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Cheer up, it'll all be over soon. I'm sorry there's no bridal march, my dear. Guard! GRENDEL: After you. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: About time, too. DOCTOR: Good. DOCTOR: You all right? Now listen, there's bound to be lots of stairs in there. You stay here and keep an eye on the boat. I might have to bring the others out this way if anything goes wrong. K9: Affirmative, master. DOCTOR: And don't fall in the water. K9: I am familiar with boats, master. DOCTOR: You old sea dog, you. Now don't forget, stand guard and be careful. Be careful! K9: Master? DOCTOR: Shush! [SCENE_BREAK] ARCHIMANDRITE: Both kneel. GRENDEL: Remember the Princess. ARCHIMANDRITE: Do you, Reynart, King of Tara, take this woman, the Princess Strella, to be your lawful wedded wife? (silence) Your Majesty? REYNART: I do. ARCHIMANDRITE: And do you, Strella, Princess of the Royal House of Tara, take this man, Reynart, King of Tara, to be your lawful wedded husband? DOCTOR: No! ROMANA: Doctor! DOCTOR: No, she doesn't. Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late. If there's something I always enjoy, it's a good wedding, isn't that true, Romana? (to the Archimandrite) Now, listen. Have you got to the bit where you ask them if there's any just cause why they shouldn't be joined in GRENDEL: You seem to make a habit of interfering in my affairs, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I do really. GRENDEL: Well, you've done it for the last time. ARCHIMANDRITE: Stop! This is a solemn ceremony! ROMANA: Not any more, it isn't. ARCHIMANDRITE: Stop! GRENDEL: Leave him, leave him. he's mine. Defend yourself, sir. DOCTOR: I haven't brought my sword. GRENDEL: Well, I've no wish to kill a man without a weapon in his hand. Here. GRENDEL: Till! ROMANA: Doctor, he's the best swordsman on Tara. DOCTOR: Is he? ROMANA: Do you know what you're doing? Good luck. GRENDEL: I shall give you a fencing lesson before you die. GRENDEL: En garde! GRENDEL: You improve, Doctor. DOCTOR: Gate control. REYNART: Where is it? [SCENE_BREAK] FARRAH: He's done it! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] STRELLA: Who are you? ROMANA: Well, that's a very long story. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It's all over, Grendel. That's Zadek and his men. Listen! You might as well surrender now. GRENDEL: Surrender? You forget, Doctor, I'm a Gracht. We never surrender. GRENDEL: Next time I shall not be so lenient! DOCTOR: Grendel, you forgot your hat! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. Everyone all right? Thank you. REYNART: Doctor, I owe you my life. How can I repay you? DOCTOR: Oh, it was a pleasure to be of service. ZADEK: Such swordsmanship. I never thought I'd live to see the day when anyone would beat Count Grendel. DOCTOR: Really? Why, was he supposed to be good? FARRAH: He can jest after a fight like that. REYNART: Why not stay here? This castle and all its lands can be yours. Anything you care to name. DOCTOR: No, no, no, that's a very kind offer, Majesty, but I have a pressing engagement on the other side of the galaxy. Has anybody here seen Romana? REYNART: She followed Kurster out. DOCTOR: Kurster? What? REYNART: The Princess Strella! DOCTOR: Where? REYNART: In the dungeons! DOCTOR: What! DOCTOR: No! [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: But there are so many different types of stitch. It must take years to learn the art. STRELLA: It's really only a question of patience and a certain delicacy of touch. I'm sure you can manage it. Go on. That's right. Very good. DOCTOR: Don't move! I said, don't move. (to Romana) Ah, you must be Princess Strella. STRELLA: Er, no. I'm Princess Strella. DOCTOR: How do you do. I'm delighted to meet you. Romana. ROMANA: Right. DOCTOR: I'm so sorry to take your new friend away so soon, Miss, but we have some urgent business to attend to. ROMANA: The segment! DOCTOR: Right. REYNART: Strella! You're safe. REYNART: And you're real. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well? ROMANA: Doctor, it was in here somewhere. It's disappeared. DOCTOR: Use the tracer. ROMANA: Oh, right. DOCTOR: Ah! ROMANA: Very funny. DOCTOR: You were very careless. I found it when I came in here. Come on, let's go. ROMANA: Do you know, I'll be quite sorry to leave Tara. DOCTOR: What? Sorry to leave Tara? I didn't even catch one fish. Not one! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Doctor! Talking of forgetting things, where's K9? DOCTOR: Well, he. Where's K9? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: K9? K9! K9: Master. Master!
Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who escapes Grendel's trap? A: plans; Q: What is made to rescue the Prince and Strella? A: the kingship; Q: What does Count Grendel want to take over? Summary: After the Doctor escapes Grendel's trap, plans are made to rescue both the Prince and Strella. Count Grendel continues to finalize his plan to take over the kingship.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] LORELAI'S HOUSE [At the front door, Lorelai is receiving her mail from the mailman.] LORELAI: Thanks, Skip! Love that you're back in shorts. Missed those stems of yours, baby. [She closes the door and sorts through her mail.] Now, come on. [She picks up the phone and dials. Rory answers.] RORY: Hello? LORELAI: Yeah, we've got to talk mail. RORY: Not again. LORELAI: It's all for you. Every piece. How can that be? You only half live here. [Scene cuts between Rory's dorm and Lorelai's living room.] RORY: This mail envy of yours is not pretty. LORELAI: Catalogues, business solicitations, credit card offers, oh! And for me, some more stupid Greenpeace return address labels. RORY: Well, you are the environmental philanthropist in the family. LORELAI: Well, I feel very badly for the planet right now. RORY: Hey, you called my cell. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Well, I told you to call my land line. My cell phone bill is astronomical. LORELAI: But a conversation with me, priceless. [She continues sorting the mail, then holds up a postcard.] Oh, joy. RORY: What? LORELAI: Well, I did get a piece of mail. The temple of Apollo. RORY: Grandma still hitting you with the postcards, huh? LORELAI: As if nothing even remotely unpleasant happened between us. How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that? It's weird. She's the serial killer who goes to work and talks about a funny Seinfeld he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man-flesh sandwich. RORY: Ew. LORELAI: Let's see how her trip has been since the last card. [Pretends to read] Dear Lorelai, kicked a dog then punched a gypsy in the groin. Oh, that's nice. RORY: Mom - LORELAI [continuing her bit]: Complained about the foie gras to a waiter whose yearly pay is less than I spend monthly on silver polish, then kicked another dog. RORY: Come on. LORELAI: Tripped a nun, then burned down an orphanage. RORY: Sounds like a busy itinerary. LORELAI: And the sun sets on Apollo. [She rips the postcard in half.] RORY: At least you don't get the nothing said all about it reminders about Friday night dinner. LORELAI: She's putting her hooks in you, huh? RORY: Yeah, three cards in a row, reminding me in no uncertain terms that they'll see me soon. LORELAI: Well, she's smart enough not to do that to me. RORY: Well, I'm mad at her too, you know. Just for the record. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Anything else? LORELAI: Whoa. One minute of talk, and then I get the bum's rush? RORY: I'm right in the middle of studying. LORELAI: I gotta pop out of an envelope for you to have an interest in me? RORY: I'll be home Friday. We'll eat, we'll talk, we'll laugh. What a time we'll have. LORELAI: Skip's back in shorts. RORY: I am not wasting cell phone minutes on Skip's shorts! LORELAI: It's the Reno 911 short shorts. Ooh, disturbing. RORY: I'm hanging up now. LORELAI: Fine. So Friday? RORY: Friday. Bye. LORELAI: Bye-bye. OPENING CREDITS LUKE'S DINER [Luke bangs the coffee pot down on the coffeemaker. He picks up a plate of food, carries it to a table, bashing into a waiter on his way, and clatters it down in front of a customer. Lane walks over to Zach, who is sitting, reading a magazine, with his feet up on another chair.] LANE: Sit up. ZACH: Huh? LANE: Sit up and feet off the chair. ZACH: What's with being a Chilean dictator dude? LANE: Luke is on a tear, so this is for your own protection. ZACH: He's always on a tear. LANE: This is different! And you have to pay today. ZACH: For the ice-cold, undercooked fries? I don't think so. LANE: Zach, please! [She kicks his feet off the chair.] ZACH: Ow! LANE: I do this because I care for you. You know I care for you, right? ZACH: Yeah. Gosh. CUSTOMER: Excuse me, miss? LANE: Can I help you? CUSTOMER: Sorry to be a pest, but I asked for my omelette soft. This is way overdone. LANE: Shh. Not so loud. [Luke storms over and opens the door.] CUSTOMER: You should probably make me another - [He is cut off as Luke grabs him under the arms and throws him into the street. He proceeds to slam the door.] LUKE: How's everyone else's eggs, huh? REMAINING CUSTOMERS: Great. [Luke stares at Zach. Zach un-crumples some bills and places them on the table.] ZACH: That's all I've got, man. [Luke glares and heads back to the counter.] ZACH [to Lane]: His eyes. Red, like the fires of Mordor. LANE: Go, go. I'll see you later, and keep low! [Zach leaves.] How are you doing, Kirk? KIRK: Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it. LANE: That's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it. KIRK: But I'm loving it! And look. [He scrapes some toast crumbs onto his food.] I've been mixing blackened ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy tasting bacon. LANE: Glad you like it. LUKE: Order's up! LANE [picking up the plate]: Uh, Luke? LUKE: What? LANE: Um, I know you're really busy back there - Is that the door to the oven? LUKE: It fell off when I kicked it. Something wrong? LANE: Well, I needed a side of hash browns for table three, and I'm really, really sorry, but this is hash. I think. I mean, it's hash-like. LUKE: They'll eat it. LANE: They might, or they might go have breakfast at Weston's like the lady with the walker you threw out about an hour ago. LUKE: So, let 'em go to Weston's. [Shouting] Huh? All of you! If you can eat ceramic cow creamers and kitty cat salt and pepper shakers and stupid little flowers drawn in powdered sugar on your plate, then that's where you belong anyway! [Some customers get up and leave.] LANE [to Kirk]: Unidentified breakfast food, on the house? KIRK: Terriff. [He takes the plate from her.] DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DESK [Lorelai is on the phone. As she is talking, Sookie comes in.] LORELAI: No, I don't understand. Well, yes, of course I'll hold. I thought you'd never ask. SOOKIE: How's your reservation book looking? LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Are we booked up, half full, kinda light? LORELAI: For when? SOOKIE: Next two to three months. LORELAI: Um, we're fairly booked. I'd say eighty, ninety percent. SOOKIE: Eighty, ninety percent! Now, did they seem hungry? LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Oh, and where are they from? Any from Jersey? People from Jersey love my Chinese chicken salad. Any Texans? Oh, any from France? LORELAI [on the phone]: Yes, I'm still here. Yes, great. [On hold again] What's the panic, Sookie? SOOKIE: What's the panic? I'm giving birth! LORELAI: Right now? SOOKIE: No, not right now, but eventually. And when I do, I'll have to have all the menus made out, and a food order put in, and a backup plan, in case there's a bad tomato crop, or if Oprah decides to get mad at beef again. LORELAI: Hello, Blaine! Yes, you were about to explain to me the reason you once again raised our premium here. [Pause] Uh-huh. Those were all very small claims due to the snow, and - right. Well, who else would we come to, but our trusty insurance agent. Guy. Stud. Pick the appropriate term and insert here. Now. Eh - yes, well, of course. Holding's one of my great pleasures. SOOKIE: Problem? LORELAI: The charmers at our insurance agency get mad when you try to claim something. SOOKIE: The stable roof. LORELAI: Yes, and - and now I've been disconnected. Coincidence? I think not. SOOKIE [Pointing at the computer]: Have people made dinner reservations? LORELAI: Be my guest. SOOKIE: Okay. [The phone rings.] LORELAI: Dragonfly Inn, Lorelai speaking. EMILY: Lorelai, it's your mother, I - [She is cut off as Lorelai hangs up the phone.] SOOKIE: Hey, we've got vegetarians in April! What, were you hiding them? LORELAI: Yes, I'm evil that way. [The phone rings again.] LORELAI: Dragonfly Inn, Lorelai speaking. EMILY: Lorelai, you just hung up - [Lorelai hangs up again.] LORELAI: Hey, so who do you think will take over while you're gone? SOOKIE: I was thinking about Chantelle. LORELAI: The one who got her face caught in the mixer? SOOKIE: She's better now. She just got her new nostril last week. LORELAI: That's good. [The phone rings.] LORELAI: Dragonfly Inn. RICHARD: Ah, yes. Lorelai. It's your father. LORELAI: Oh, Dad! How was your trip? RICHARD: Fine, Lorelai. Thank you very much. LORELAI: And the flight back? RICHARD: Very smooth. LORELAI: Smooth is good. RICHARD: Actually, your mother wanted to talk to you for a moment. [He hands the phone to Emily.] EMILY: Hello, Lorelai, I - [Lorelai hangs up the phone.] LORELAI: Hey, do you have any of that really great braised lamb risotto thing leftover from last night? SOOKIE: I think so, why? LORELAI: Well, since I'm not going to Friday night dinner tonight or ever again, and I'm not in the mood for pizza, I thought I'd have a little fancy food with my movie. SOOKIE: You're going to a movie! LORELAI: I Netflixed all three 'A Star is Born's. SOOKIE: Janet, Judy and Babs. LORELAI: The holy trinity. I thought I'd hunker down with some fabulous food and watch all the men that got away. SOOKIE: What? No, you can't do that! LORELAI: Why not? SOOKIE: Because! Look, I'm worried about you. LORELAI: Why? SOOKIE: Just because you don't have someone in your life right now - LORELAI: Meaning Luke. SOOKIE: And your parents, and your Friday night dinners, and Rory's off at college - LORELAI: I do, however, have my original nostril. SOOKIE: You can't use that as an excuse to become couch potato girl. LORELAI: What are you talking about? SOOKIE: Sitting at home. Ordering take-out. Watching television night after night. LORELAI: That's what I've always done. I was couch potato girl even when I had a guy. And Friday night dinner. And, by the way, the entire time Rory was growing up. SOOKIE: Yes, but now it's pathetic. LORELAI: Well, just a little. SOOKIE: You are not sitting home tonight! We are going out! LORELAI: We are? SOOKIE: Girl's night out, just you and me. Oh, it'll be fun. Big excitement, big hair! We'll get all dolled up and paint the town! LORELAI: But - SOOKIE: I am coming to your house tonight, at seven o'clock sharp, and I am taking you out, and you better look hot! You hear me? LORELAI: Yes I do. SOOKIE [giggles]: Good. LORELAI: But remember, I don't put out unless I get dinner. SOOKIE [heading back to the kitchen]: I know. I saw your bumper sticker. [She leaves.] YALE CAMPUS [Rory is placing her order at a coffee cart.] RORY: Hi. I'd like a large caramel macchiato with an extra shot and whip cream, please. COFFEE BOY: Coming up. RORY: Wait, hold on. How much is that? COFFEE BOY: Four eighty-five. RORY: Okay, better drop the extra shot. What does that make it? COFFEE BOY: Four twenty. RORY: Better make it a small. What does that make it? COFFEE BOY: Three thirty. RORY: Better drop the whip cream. What does that make it? COFFEE BOY: Less calories. RORY: Just a plain old small coffee, please. [She turns around and drops her change all over the ground.] D'oh. [She crouches down. Logan stops to help her pick up the coins.] LOGAN: This would definitely qualify as a cute meet if we hadn't already met. RORY: Logan. Hey. This is nice and embarassing. LOGAN: Are we going after the rollers? A couple of them are headed into the bushes. RORY: No, I think I've supplied people with a sufficient amount of silly images of me for one day. LOGAN: Small coffee for me, and put the lady's on my tab too. RORY: No, Logan, you don't have to do that. LOGAN: Ace, I can't take a chance of you pulling out that purse again. Someone might get hurt. [He pays for the coffee.] RORY: Okay, well, thank you. LOGAN: So I stopped by the paper the other day to see you. RORY: Really? LOGAN: And then I tried to sneak out when I realized you weren't there. But our omnipresent editor cornered me. Does Doyle ever leave that place? RORY: Unfortunately yes, otherwise I would be denied the regular pleasure of seeing him in Property of Alcatraz pajama pants. LOGAN: Thanks for the image. Hey, come here. [He pulls her into a corner.] RORY: What are you doing? [They kiss.] RORY: So that's what you're doing. LOGAN: What'd you think I was doing? [They kiss again. Rory turns away.] RORY: People will see. LOGAN: I don't care if people see. RORY: A professor will see you, and he'll take advantage of the fact that you're distracted and pull you in, make you take a midterm. LOGAN: I'm done with them. RORY: With your midterms? LOGAN: I already took the ones I couldn't get out of. RORY: Then why are you here? You're going off skiing, aren't you? LOGAN: I just have to drop off a paper for my ethics class by eleven thirty and then I'm off. RORY: It's eleven twenty-five. LOGAN: So we're swimming in time. [He pulls her in to kiss her again. Rory breaks away.] LOGAN: What are you doing? RORY [reaching into his bookbag]: I want to see your paper. LOGAN: Your mind is a mysterious thing. RORY: Come on. I'm dying to know what your take on ethics is. For instance, are you for it or against it? LOGAN: No way. It's too dangerous. RORY: Dangerous? LOGAN: I actually worked on this thing. It goes from my hand to the professor's. RORY: Like I'm going to lose it. LOGAN: I saw you with your coins, plus let's remember Hemingway. RORY: What about him? LOGAN: Trusted that wife of his with the only copy he had of the novel he was working on. The silly woman lost it. RORY: Not so. I know the story. Hemingway left it on a plane. His wife had nothing to do with it. LOGAN: That's not the way I heard it. RORY: Well, you heard it wrong. LOGAN: How much you want to bet? RORY: All the money in my purse, plus a million dollars. LOGAN: Well, my spelling stinks. Take my word for it. [He kisses her again.] RORY: You'll call me from the cabin? LOGAN: Absolutely. RORY: Thanks for the coffee. LOGAN: Anytime. Better have that million bucks ready when I get back, and I don't accept coins. RORY: No promises. [They head off in different directions.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is in the kitchen, making coffee. We hear Rory come in the front door.] RORY [OS]: Hello! LORELAI: Kitchen! RORY [OS]: Ow! Rat b*st*rd! LORELAI: Are you okay? RORY [OS]: Give me a hand! [Lorelai starts clapping as Rory enters the kitchen pulling several large laundry bags.] RORY: Okay, Bob Hope's laughing in heaven, but I'm not. LORELAI: Bob Hope got into heaven? RORY: Please grab a bag. LORELAI: This cannot all be laundry. RORY: It's all laundry. The machine's fixed, right? LORELAI: Yes, humming like new. Which one's the rat b*st*rd? RORY [pointing]: That one. LORELAI [kicks the laundry bag]: Take that! And that! RORY: Okay, he's had enough! I want to get a load going before I go to Grandma's. LORELAI: Good idea. [Rory exits out the back door, then comes back in.] RORY: Hey, you're using it! LORELAI: Yes, I know. RORY: Well, but I had dibs. LORELAI: No, you didn't call dibs. RORY: I'm a college student coming home on Spring Break. That implies dibs on the washer and drier. LORELAI: There's no implied dibs in dibs. If you don't call it, you don't get it. [Rory goes back outside.] RORY [OS]: Well, this is just wrong! LORELAI: What? [Rory comes back in.] RORY: You're washing two socks! LORELAI: Well, they were dirty. RORY: That's wasteful. LORELAI: I really wanted to wear them tonight. RORY: They are your dancing Santa Claus socks. You're not going to wear those for another ten months. LORELAI: No, I can wear them eccentrically any time I want! RORY: Well, then you're going to have to put one of my loads I while I'm gone. LORELAI: And risk a hernia? RORY: I'll never finish otherwise! LORELAI: I'll do two loads. How's that? RORY: Thank you. All right, I've got to take off. LORELAI: Okay. Drive safe, and you've got gas, right? RORY: Yeah, I've got gas. LORELAI: Okay. Enough gas to get to Hartford? RORY: I think so. Why? LORELAI: Oh, well, because I've got a twenty - ah! A twenty! On the fridge, here! Look! Oh, here it is. I'm not going to use it. You should use it for gas. RORY: Is it that obvious I'm broke? LORELAI: Well, you mentioned the minutes on your cell phone, a hint of panic in your voice, and now the months of saved up laundry. RORY: Well, there are just no good jobs at Yale right now, and I'd take anything. Trust me. LORELAI: Well, I took the liberty of asking around town for you. Made you sound all pathetic and ragged. And there are a few temporary things you could take. You are very in demand in Stars Hollow. RORY: Like what? LORELAI: Well, the radio station needs someone to drive up the hill a couple of times a day and shoo the cows away from the transmitter. RORY: I'm not good with livestock. LORELAI: Well, the road crew needs a part-time 'Slow Down' sign holder-upper. You get to wear a helmet. RORY: I don't think so. LORELAI: I saved the best for last. Andrew needs help doing inventory at the bookstore. I think that's probably your best bet. RORY: That sounds great, actually. LORELAI: Cool, just give him a ring. RORY: Thanks. [She kisses Lorelai's cheek.] Now I just need to borrow some clothes to wear to Grandma's. LORELAI: You're in clothes. RORY: Well, she'll insist I take my jacket off and I'm down to my 'Give Bush a Wedgie' t-shirt. LORELAI [gasps]: Please wear that to Grandma's! RORY: I'm going to borrow some clothes. LORELAI: There's another twenty in it for you! RORY: Start one of my loads. LORELAI: Forty if you snap a picture of her seeing it! RORY: Finish your socks! [She heads upstairs.] ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - FOYER [The doorbell rings. Emily answers it.] EMILY: Rory, hello! Come in! RORY: Hi, Grandma. [Emily hugs Rory. Rory does not hug her back.] EMILY: Oh, we missed you. RORY: It's only been a few weeks, Grandma. EMILY: Give your coat to Eliza. [Rory takes off her coat.] That's an interesting outfit you have on. RORY: Laundry day. EMILY: Laundry day. Everything young people do sounds like fun to me. RORY: No, it's pretty dreary. EMILY: Well, come in. Come in. [She calls up the stairs as they enter the living room.] Richard, Rory's here. Hurry down, and don't forget to bring the you-know-what! [To Rory] Forget you heard that. RORY: Consider it forgotten. EMILY: Our trip was wonderful. We have so much to tell you. RORY: Good. [They sit down.] EMILY: We'll have to wait 'till next week to show you pictures. Richard bought this new digital camera that's supposed to be so simple a child can use it. So now we need to find a child who'll show us how. [She laughs. Rory barely smiles.] Are you feeling okay? RORY: I'm feeling fine. EMILY: So, did you go to Athens on that first big European trip of yours? RORY: Um, yeah. EMILY: I hope you saw the National Archaeological museum. I thought of you there the whole time. The room with the Mask of Agamemnon? RORY: Yep, we hit that. EMILY: Interesting, huh? RORY: Yep. [Richard makes his way down the stairs.] RICHARD: Rory! RORY [stands up]: Grandpa! Welcome home! [They hug.] RICHARD: Well, thank you! Look at this outfit! I like the colors. RORY: Thanks! It's borrowed. RICHARD: So, we have quite a bit to catch up on! RORY: I know, I want to hear all about it! RICHARD: Well, I'm sure your grandmother has caught you up somewhat. EMILY: I started to. RICHARD: And with the dozens of postcards she sent, you probably remember the trip better than I do. RORY: I still want to hear your account. EMILY: Have her open the gift, Richard. RICHARD: Oh, yes. Please. Open it! [Rory pulls out an antique book.] RORY: Oh, my God, it's amazing! RICHARD: Leaves of Grass in Greek. A hundred years old, some beautiful engravings. RORY: Now I have to learn Greek. EMILY: Feel the leather. RORY: Grandpa, thank you so much. RICHARD: Well, you can thank your grandmother. She helped pick it out. RORY [not looking up]: Thank you, Grandma. ELIZA: Dinner is served, Mrs. Gilmore. EMILY: Thank you Eliza. [To Rory] You can flip through that a little later. RORY: Okay. [She puts the book away and she and Richard head for the dining room.] So, Grandpa, is it true that every restaurant in the Placa has a view of the Acropolis? RICHARD: Well, they like to think so. But we found this charming little taverna - Dionysus. The view was spectacular, and the Ouzo certainly lived up to its name. LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Lorelai exits the front door and joins Sookie, waiting in her car.] LORELAI: Oh, I am so hot. I'm going to hit on myself tonight. SOOKIE: You look nice. LORELAI: So do you, your hair is so fancy. SOOKIE: And I'm ready to let it down! LORELAI: So, what town are we painting first? SOOKIE: Oh, well, it's your big night out, so anywhere you want! LORELAI: Okay. How about dancing? SOOKIE: Dancing! Yes! [sings and starts the car] I'm a brick - da-da-da-da house. Now, of course I can't really dance 'cause my ankles are completely swollen, and, uh, my stomach's a bit of a hindrance on the dance floor. But I can watch you dance. LORELAI: No, that's okay. Let's do something else! SOOKIE: But you want to go dancing! LORELAI: No, we'll do whatever. SOOKIE: Like what? LORELAI: We can go to a bar, hang out and talk. SOOKIE: Sounds perfect! Of course, I tend to get a little depressed when I'm in a room full of people drinking and I can't have a cocktail! You know, did I tell you I'm having a recurring dream lately, about a magic pina colada? With whip cream, and a ton of rum, and a talking little paper umbrella! LORELAI: If you're having dreams like that, you don't need a cocktail! How about a movie? SOOKIE: I have to get up to pee every five minutes. But, we can sit on an aisle near the back and you can fill me in on what I missed! LORELAI: Sookie - [she turns off the car] - Why don't we just stay home? SOOKIE: No! We're hitting the town! LORELAI: Not tonight. SOOKIE: We have to. I can't let you become this spinster on the couch. LORELAI: We can go inside and order in pizza. SOOKIE: You need to go out, and see things, and do things! LORELAI: I have 'A Star is Born'. All three versions. We can compare and contrast performances and dosages! SOOKIE: It is my responsibility as your best friend to make sure you go do exciting things even when you don't want to. LORELAI: Hanging out with you is exciting! SOOKIE: It is? LORELAI: And with pepperoni and some extra cheese - look out. SOOKIE: I am getting kind of hungry! LORELAI: Well, sure, all this partying will do that to you. SOOKIE: Can we watch the Streisand 'A Star is Born' first? I really love that scene where she chews on Kris Kristofferson's lip! LORELAI: Yeah! [Sookie giggles as they get out of the car and go back in the house.] ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM [Rory, Richard and Emily are having dinner.] EMILY: So, where are all of your Yale friends for Spring Break? RORY: Oh, here and there. EMILY: Did your friend Paris make interesting plans? RORY: Not really. EMILY: And how's the shortcake? RORY: It's fine, thanks. EMILY: I know this seems a bit basic, but Eliza found the first decent strawberries of the year. I'm so mad at California. RICHARD: Well, you'd think that rain would be good for crops. It's counterintuitive. EMILY: Anyway, these strawberries are wonderful. Could you pass them to me, Rory? [Rory passes the dish without looking up. Emily mouths to Richard "Do something!" and points at Rory. Richard looks troubled.] RICHARD: So, Rory. Is everything all right with you this evening? RORY: I'm fine, Grandpa. [He looks helplessly at Emily. She gestures as though to say "Go on!"] RICHARD: You'd tell us if anything was bothering you. RORY: Really, it's nothing. RICHARD: Seems as though there might be something on your mind. RORY: Not really. RICHARD: All right. RORY: So, Grandpa, you hardly told me anything about your trip? How was the Archaeological museum? EMILY: Oh, now, that's it. RICHARD: Emily - EMILY: What is wrong with you? RORY: Nothing. EMILY: I asked you about that museum earlier and all you did was mumble something about hitting it! RORY: I should have been more expansive. I'm sorry. EMILY: You've been pushing me away all evening! RICHARD: Emily, please. EMILY: You asked your grandfather question after question and make polite chit-chat about the duck with the maid, what's her name, tell her it's wonderful - RORY: Because she made it! And her name is Eliza! EMILY: I told her to make it! You're enjoying duck because I requested duck! RORY: Well, it was a great duck, Grandma! Kudos on the duck! EMILY: This isn't you, this attitude of yours. This is your mother. RORY: Don't bring up Mom. RICHARD: Look, both of you. Let's try to calm down. EMILY: Why are you acting this way? RORY: Your memory can't be that short, Grandma! EMILY: What does that mean? RORY: Do we really have to get into this? EMILY: You should walk out that door and come in again. Start all over. RICHARD: She doesn't need to do that, Emily. EMILY: We have a contract! RORY [Sarcastic]: A contract! EMILY: We pay for Yale. You come to dinner every Friday night and you act pleasantly and decently. RORY: You're right, Grandma. We do have a contract. But it's to come to dinner. Period. There's no agreement on how vivacious or bubbly I have to be. EMILY: You need to act like you! RORY: I am! EMILY: This isn't you! RORY [getting up]: Look, Grandma, you know what you did. RICHARD: Rory, please sit down. RORY: I mean, what did you expect? Ten Acropolis postcards and I forget the fact that you broke up Mom and Luke? Now, I respect our contract. And I will continue to come every Friday night and eat dinner with you. But I won't guarantee an attitude that will please you. Excuse me. EMILY: You are certainly not excused, we're not through. RORY: We have had dessert, I'll skip the port. Good night. RICHARD: Rory. RORY: Good night, Grandpa. I'll see you in a week. [She leaves. Emily and Richard look at one another, shocked.] WESTON'S BAKERY [Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at a table.] LORELAI: See, now, this is perfect. SOOKIE: It's not a nightclub, but it's a place she never goes. Different and exciting. LORELAI: And chocolaty. SOOKIE: Are you having fun? LORELAI: Oh, not missing the couch a bit. WAITER: Hi, Lorelai. Wow, twice in one day, huh? LORELAI [chuckles]: Hi, Frankie. Yeah, well, gotta have some pie, you know. [Sees Sookie looking at her.] Well, I haven't memorized the menu yet. SOOKIE: You come here? LORELAI: You know, just once a - day. SOOKIE: Unbelievable. LORELAI: Well, I have to go somewhere in the mornings. SOOKIE: I didn't want to take you somewhere you always go! LORELAI: I had a great time tonight, and I appreciate your concern. And I promise, I am not going to become a couch potato spinster woman. SOOKIE [gesturing at her belly]: Okay, the minute this comes out, you and I are going away for a weekend. Just the two of us. LORELAI: Absolutely, except for the fact that you'll have a newborn baby at home, that's a perfect plan. [Rory enters.] RORY: Hello, ladies! LORELAI: Hi, kid. How'd you know we'd be here? RORY: What do you mean? You're always here. Hey, Sookie. SOOKIE: Hey, egghead. Do you want some pie? RORY: Oh, I never say no to pie. LORELAI: So how was dinner? RORY: Loud. LORELAI: Meaning? RORY: There was yelling. LORELAI: Why, what happened? RORY: I just got so mad. She was acting like nothing was wrong. Like it was totally normal that you weren't there. And I couldn't take it. LORELAI: I understand. SOOKIE [leaning on her hand]: I understand too. LORELAI: Are you getting sleepy, there, Sookie? SOOKIE: No, I'm fine. Just a little past my bedtime is all. Keep talking. RORY: I left during shortcake. LORELAI: I'm sorry to hear that. RORY: Hey, Grandma did this. You didn't. LORELAI: I know. I just hate that you're fighting with them. RORY: Don't worry about it. [Looks at Sookie] She's sleeping. LORELAI: Yeah, well, we partied pretty hard tonight. RORY: Should we wake her up? LORELAI: Nah, we'll wait a minute. RORY: Mom. [She gestures to the empty table next to theirs.] Can you - LORELAI: What? [They move to the other table.] LORELAI: Something wrong? [Pause.] Is it about Grandma? [Pause.] Do I have to ask eighteen more of these? RORY: You know how, with Dean, things didn't exactly go the way I planned? LORELAI: You mean with you and him getting together? RORY: No, I mean, yes, that too. But I promised you that I would come to you and talk to you when I thought I was ready to - but I didn't, um, because it all happened so fast and I didn't get a chance and then everything got so messed up, and then after, it was weird. The situation was weird, and I didn't feel comfortable coming to talk to you about anything concerning us at all - LORELAI: You can always talk to me. Even when it's weird. RORY: I know. I want to. I want to go back to talking about everything. Just like before Dean. LORELAI: I second that motion. RORY: So I thought I would come talk to you now about Logan. LORELAI [surprised]: Oh. Okay. RORY: I want to tell you now, so you hear it from me, right when it's... starting. LORELAI: Right when it's starting? Oh. Got it. So, the two of you are starting something, huh? RORY [smiling]: Yes. We have definitely started something. LORELAI: Started! Oh, you have already started something. Wow. Okay, fast. RORY: I know, but he's so great. I mean, you've seen him. He's beautiful, and really smart. Smarter than me, I swear. And he's - great. LORELAI: Yes, he seems great. RORY: And we have a lot in common, which is good. LORELAI: Very good. RORY: The paper, and Yale of course, and he's extremely well-read. And I know Logan's rich, and I know you don't really - LORELAI: No, no. Rory, I don't care if he's rich. If you like him - RORY: I do. I really like him. LORELAI: And he's treating you well. RORY: He is. I'm having fun. A lot of fun. LORELAI: Okay, well. If he's that important to you, I should probably, you know, meet him again, under different circumstances. RORY: Right. LORELAI: Everything all buttoned and zipped. RORY: You will, I promise. LORELAI: Good, that's good. RORY: Anyhow, I just wanted you to know. LORELAI: Okay, so. Good talk. RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Absolutely. [She sighs.] Man, I feel like I should buy you a shot RORY: How about a rum ball? LORELAI: Two rum balls, coming up. [Rory smiles as Lorelai gets up.] STARS HOLLOW STREET [Lorelai is walking. Her cell phone rings.] LORELAI: Hello? RICHARD: Lorelai, it's your father. LORELAI: Well, hello there, my father. What can I do for you? [Scene cuts between Lorelai walking and Richard in his study.] RICHARD: Well, you can take a more serious tone, for starters. LORELAI [in a deep, British voice]: Oh. Hello, my father. RICHARD: Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, sorry. I thought the British thing made it pretty serious. RICHARD: I assume you heard what happened at dinner last night? LORELAI: Did it involve a fork? RICHARD: No, it did not. It involved your daughter being incredibly rude and insensitive to her grandmother. LORELAI: I heard there was a bit of a flare-up there, yes. RICHARD: It was more than a flare-up. I've never seen Rory behave like that. LORELAI: Well, she was upset, Dad. RICHARD: Well, that is no excuse! LORELAI: Well, I don't know what to tell you. RICHARD: You can tell me what you intend to do about it. LORELAI: Uh, nothing? RICHARD: You have to talk to her! LORELAI: No, I do not. RICHARD: Lorelai, you are her mother. It is up to you to set an example for your daughter. LORELAI: I did set an example for her, Dad. I didn't go to dinner. She went anyhow, damn kids, you can't teach them anything. RICHARD: She yelled at her grandmother, Lorelai! At the dinner table, right in front of me! LORELAI: Well, this is none of my business. RICHARD: Of course it's your business! It's your battle she's fighting. LORELAI: I do not have a battle. RICHARD: You need to talk to her and tell her that this behavior is not - LORELAI: Dad, listen to me. This is Rory's thing, okay? She was mad. She was upset. RICHARD: Well, what does Rory have to be upset about? LORELAI: Rory loves Luke, Dad. She does not want to see him hurt and humiliated like he was. She cares about me. RICHARD: Your mother did what she thought - LORELAI: Whoa, just stop right there. I'm not interested in why Mom did what she did. RICHARD: Well, I was just - LORELAI: Luke and I have broken up, Dad. Okay? We are no longer together. And it is a direct result of what Mom did. And I know that you could care less, and I know that Mom will be thrilled, but I am not thrilled. I am not thrilled. And Rory is not thrilled. We're both hurt and extremely upset. Now, I can stay away and not come to dinner and not see Mom, but Rory made a deal with you guys, and Rory never goes back on anything she says, so she went. She was there, and if she was rude or cold, then I'm sorry, but I personally feel she has every right to be, and you and Mom will just have to work that out with her yourselves. RICHARD: So then this is it? You'll never visit our home again? LORELAI: I don't know. RICHARD: You'll send Rory, but you'll avoid us at Thanksgiving? On Christmas? LORELAI: Probably. RICHARD: So we're just supposed to accept the fact that we'll never see you again? LORELAI: You can see me anytime you want, Dad. I have no beef with you. RICHARD [thoughtfully]: I see. Well. LORELAI: Uh, Dad? RICHARD: Yes? LORELAI: While you're all calm and quiet there, can I ask you a question? RICHARD: Go ahead. LORELAI: Well, the premium on my insurance policy at the inn is going up fifteen percent because of some small damage claims - RICHARD: I'm sorry, you're asking me a question about insurance? LORELAI: Yeah. RICHARD: Carry on. LORELAI: So these guys came by the Inn last week, and - [She sees a traffic cop writing a ticket for the boat in front of Luke's.] LORELAI: Oh. Dad, I gotta call you back in a sec, okay? Thanks. Bye. [She hangs up and hurries over to her.] Excuse me! Hello! Hi, hi. COP: Is this your boat? LORELAI: Ah, technically. It is. Yeah. And I'm sorry that it's parked out here like this, but, see, it's supposed to be auctioned off for charity for the National Boating for Peace and, uh, low blood sugar organization for tiny children, and so they delivered it early and not finished, and so it was dropped off here, so, to be picked up by the boat finishing guys. I'm supposed to move it. But there was this kitten. In a tree. He had a cold, and I had to bring him a Kleenex, and - COP: Just move it on street-cleaning days. LORELAI: Yes, ma'am. [The cop leaves. Lorelai sighs and looks at the boat, then walks away.] LUKE'S DINER - INTERIOR [Lane comes over to Kirk's table.] LANE: You want some ketchup, Kirk? KIRK: No, thanks. The distinct charred flavor of this meat is like a delicacy. I wouldn't dream of obscuring it with condiments. LANE: I think that's a pancake. KIRK: Fascinating. [Lane heads back to the counter.] LANE: Luke, my cheeseburger and fries up yet? LUKE: How would I know? What am I, a food psychic? What, do you want to know how the grapefruit crop's gonna be this year? Hold on, I'm getting a message from a kumquat from beyond the grave. LANE: Okay, I'll go see for myself. KIRK: Hey, Luke, can I get a napkin? [Luke tosses a towel, which lands on Kirk's head.] KIRK: A cloth napkin and a moist towlette, all in one! LANE: I've got a delivery, I'll be right back! [She heads toward the door. A man enters.] MAN: Sit anywhere? LANE [hushed]: Ah, listen. I will be back in fifteen minutes. Why don't you wait, and let me seat you then? MAN: What? LANE: Just trust me - MAN: Forget it! I'm hungry now. LANE: Okay. Anywhere's fine. [She leaves the diner. As she walks down the street, behind her we can see the man being tossed out, landing on his knees on the sidewalk.] [SCENE_BREAK] STARS HOLLOW BOOKS [Rory is sitting, surrounded by piles of books. Lane enters.] LANE: Soup's on! RORY: Oh, thank God. I am starving. I have been dreaming about Luke's cheeseburgers for a month. LANE: How's the inventory coming? RORY: Perfect. I have a great system going. [Pointing] This is my 'to be written down' pile, my 'already written down' pile, and this is my pile of books that I have seen and now have to buy. LANE: That's a big pile. RORY [Opening the bag of food]: Yep. LANE: Bigger than the other two piles. RORY: Yep. LANE: This job must be costing you a fortune. RORY: Yep. [She takes a bite of the burger and makes a face.] Oh, my God. What is that thing? LANE: Sorry. I should have warned you. RORY: This is disgusting! This is from Luke's? LANE: Yeah, he's been a little off his game lately. RORY: Off his game? It's like Tiger Woods made this thing. LANE: Luke's been in a mood. RORY: And he's taking it out on the cheeseburgers? LANE: It's been awful. Everything's either been burnt or dropped. He's absolutely miserable. He just mopes and growls and stomps around. He throws customers out the door. RORY: Geez. LANE: I'm assuming his mood might have something to do with a certain someone who's been spending a lot of her time at Weston's lately. RORY: Oh, poor, sad Luke. LANE: Poor, sad tips. RORY: Listen, I have to get something to eat. You want to run over to Al's with me? LANE: Can't. If Luke's left alone too long, he might burn the place down. RORY: Well, how about tonight? You want to do something? LANE: I would love to, but Zach is cooking me dinner. RORY: Really? Oh, it's so sweet. LANE: It is, isn't it? RORY: It's so nice that you have Zach. LANE: I know, it's like having a perfect haircut every single day. RORY: My God, that is beautiful. LANE: I'll call you later? RORY: Okay. Thanks for the concept of lunch. LANE: Anytime. [Lane leaves. Rory gets up and spots another book and adds it to her 'to buy' pile.] RORY: This job was a great idea. [She heads across the street.] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Lorelai enters the kitchen.] LORELAI: Hey, Sookie? Has my dad - SOOKIE [jumping out at her]: August fourteenth! LORELAI: Oh, geez! SOOKIE: What are you doing August fourteenth? LORELAI: Uh, recovering from the grand jete you just did there? SOOKIE: Last night I called Jackson's sister - Colleen, not the drunk one and I asked her to take the kids on the weekend of August fourteenth because by then there will be kids, and I will be free to girlfriend the weekend away. What do you think? LORELAI: Oh, shoot. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Well, If you had just gotten to me sooner. SOOKIE: Sooner than six months ahead of time? LORELAI: Well, August is my bathing month. SOOKIE [disappointed]: Oh, well, September will probably work, and [noticing the small smile on Lorelai's face] you're joking. LORELAI: August fourteenth would be perfect. SOOKIE [clapping]: Oh, yay! [Richard enters the kitchen with a business associate.] LORELAI: Hey, Dad, how's it look? RICHARD: Why don't you go and check that landing again, Phil? I'll be up in a moment. [He turns to Lorelai.] LORELAI: Well, is it bad, is it good, am I screwed? What do you think? RICHARD: Philip and I have thoroughly toured the property, and with the exception of one too many garden gnomes, we have found it to be in top shape. LORELAI [pleased]: Really? RICHARD: Yes. I've also reviewed your policy, and while I tip my hat to the criminal genius who convinced you to sign it, I find it appalling. LORELAI: I knew the name Sheisty McSheisterson should have tipped me off. RICHARD: You can do better. And I can help. LORELAI: Don't you tease me, Gilmore. RICHARD: Oh, no, I wouldn't dare. LORELAI: So what do we do? RICHARD: Well, Philip will go over the property again, he'll take some pictures, and tomorrow I will put a new policy together for you. LORELAI: Oh my God, you're my lifesaver. SOOKIE: Hey, can I make you guys some lunch? RICHARD: No, thank you, Sookie. LORELAI: Come on, Dad. Not even a sandwich? RICHARD: I'll tell you what. I'll have some coffee, if you're offering. LORELAI: We're offering. SOOKIE: I'll heat up some scones to go with it. RICHARD [calling after her]: Oh, no, I don't - uh, I don't want the - LORELAI: Forget it, Dad. You're getting scones. RICHARD: My God, this is a bossy place. [They go into the dining room.] RICHARD: You know, I have to say, Lorelai. You've done a wonderful job here. LORELAI [surprised]: Thank you, Dad. RICHARD: Well, the restoration. The rooms. The homey feel. And the stables - very smart. LORELAI: Yes. RICHARD: People love horses. LORELAI: They turned out to be quite a draw. RICHARD: Hmm. You know, small inns like this are very fashionable right now. The larger hotel chains are constantly searching to acquire charming places like this. They keep them just as they are, usually retain the management. I could, uh, do a little sniffing around for you if you like. LORELAI: Are you talking about selling my inn? RICHARD: Well, you would still run it. But you'd make a lot of money. LORELAI: I'm good, Dad. RICHARD: Well, you should really think about it. LORELAI: I don't think I'm going to be selling this place, but thank you for the suggestion. RICHARD: Yes, well, if you change your mind. LORELAI: Yes, I know where to find you. [A waiter brings the coffee and scones.] RICHARD: Oh, my, what is that heavenly smell? LORELAI: Scones. RICHARD: I have never smelled anything as heavenly as this. LORELAI: Wait till you taste them. LANE'S HOUSE [Lane and Zach are having a candlelit picnic on the floor.] ZACH: More bubbly, my dear? [He offers her some Pepsi.] LANE: Please. ZACH: I opened the bottle this afternoon, so it's just the way you like it. Nice and flat. LANE: You're very sweet. This whole thing was so sweet, Zach. Cooking me dinner? ZACH: It was fun. LANE: The sauce was amazing. ZACH: My own creation. Ragu with garlic salt, cayenne pepper and a dash of wasabi. LANE: It made my ears pop. ZACH: One of the benefits. LANE: Spaghetti was just right, too. ZACH: I threw some up against the wall to tell if it was done. Made a shape like Peter Gabriel's big bloated head. It's still there if you want to see it. LANE [getting up]: Yeah? Cool. ZACH: But not now, okay? [He pulls her down beside him.] Later. LANE: Oh, sure. ZACH [kissing up her arm]: You're the best, you know. The coolest, the cutest. LANE: Aw, thanks. Back at you. ZACH: I liked you the day I met you. I even remember what you were wearing. LANE: Oh, God. I probably looked like a pig. I need more clothes. ZACH: I want this to be right, you know? LANE: Yeah. Absolutely. ZACH: Music's good for you? LANE: Sure. [They kiss.] LANE: That was nice. ZACH: Yeah, it was. [They kiss again.] LANE: We should probably clear the plates, right? ZACH: What? LANE: Just to get them soaking. ZACH: No. Uh, later. After. LANE: Okay. After what? ZACH [leans in]: After. LANE: Right. [They kiss] After. [More kissing. Lane suddenly pushes away.] LANE: Oh, my God! ZACH: What? LANE: You want to have s*x. ZACH: Kind of. LANE: Oh, my God! [She gets up and crosses the room.] ZACH: You didn't know where this was heading? LANE: How could I have known, Zach? ZACH: I thought it was clear. LANE: How, how? ZACH: I cooked. I never cook. LANE: I don't know that you've never cooked. I've known you, what, two years? This could be a dormant hobby. ZACH: I lit candles. LANE: I thought you were trying to save on electricity. Very prudent. ZACH: I told you I wanted to have a special evening with you. LANE: That's a clue? ZACH [yelling]: I don't say crap like 'special evening', Lane! I play guitar! LANE: Okay! But - ZACH: I lined the path to the bedroom door with rose petals? You had to have seen that. LANE: I thought you tracked them in. You're always stepping in things, Zach. ZACH: I don't know what else I could have done. LANE: Yeah, well, neither do I. ZACH: What? LANE: You're right. You gave me, like, eighty-three clues, and I missed them all. I'm stupid. ZACH: You're not. I was just trying to be subtle and that's not my thing. I'm bad, I'm a bad man. LANE: You're not bad. You're good. I'm stupid. ZACH: I pushed you. I should be arrested. LANE: No, Zach. I should have known. We've been dating for what, four months? And we live together, and I'm twenty. You're a guy, and I'm a girl. Birds do it, bees do it. ZACH: So, what do you think? LANE: Oh, well, I have to wait until I get married. ZACH: What? LANE: I have to wait till I get married? ZACH: I didn't know that. LANE: Neither did I. ZACH: Whoa. LANE: Yeah, whoa. ZACH: I don't know if I'm okay with that. LANE: I'm not sure if I'm okay with that either. [They look away. Lane gets up.] ZACH: What are you doing? LANE: Cleaning up. ZACH: I'll do it. LANE: No, Zach. You're not getting any tonight, the least I can do is clean up. [Zach sits back down, confused.] ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Emily stomps into the kitchen, where she is making flower arrangements. Richard is calling after her.] RICHARD: Emily, I don't believe we've finished talking about this. [He enters.] I think once you take a step back and think about this you will see that there is nothing to be upset about. EMILY: I'm not upset, Richard. [She throws a flower into the vase.] RICHARD: You're not. EMILY: No, I'm not. RICHARD: Oh, that flower just had it coming, I assume. EMILY: You're loving this, aren't you? RICHARD: Loving what? EMILY: Rory won't even look at me, but it's 'Grandpa, how was Greece?' and 'Grandpa, I just love my gift'! RICHARD: Oh, now, Emily. EMILY: Lorelai won't take my calls, but runs to Daddy with her insurance problems. RICHARD: Well, her insurance company's been robbing her blind! EMILY: Please. RICHARD: Well, would you like to see her policy? The deductible alone - EMILY: You're the favorite and you're loving every single minute of it. RICHARD: This is not a popularity contest. EMILY: No, not a contest. You've already won. RICHARD: Emily, you are acting incredibly immature! EMILY: You couldn't wait to run over to that inn of hers for your secret clandestine meeting! RICHARD: Well, how clandestine could it be? I just told you about it. EMILY: I do not understand why you refuse to stand by me on this. RICHARD: Why haven't we gotten stools in here? EMILY: I did what I did for her own good! RICHARD: Of course you did! EMILY: I only want the best for her, and since she is incapable of judging what is right and what is wrong, I had to step in! I had to act! RICHARD: Yes, you did. You acted and it backfired. EMILY: Richard! RICHARD: Well, you did! It was a noble effort, but it failed. And now we have to deal with the reality in front of us. However misguided Lorelai's feelings are right now, the fact is, she is not willing to deal with you. She will, however, deal with me. And at least this way we still have contact with her. EMILY: Contact, please. RICHARD: And hopefully, with time, we will be able to convince her to come back and things will return to normal. However, if we simply cut her off, no contact whatsoever, then the odds of being able to get things back to the status quo are not very good at all. Don't you agree? [Emily looks petulant.] I thought so. All right, now don't worry. [He kisses her forehead.] I have everything under control. EMILY [as he is leaving]: Of course you do. Because you're the favorite. STARS HOLLOW BOOKSTORE [Rory is working. Lane is lying on the floor.] LANE: I can't believe it. I just cannot believe it! RORY: It's okay. LANE: How did this happen? I started listening to rock music when I was seven years old. I snuck makeup on at school. I managed to join a band without anyone knowing. I had a boyfriend who my mother thought was a Christian guitarist. And I ate spicy condiments like they were going out of style. RORY: Lane. LANE: I drank soda, ate hamburgers, wore jewelry, I danced. RORY: Not very well. LANE: Hey, any skill level's a sin. And then I moved out and I lived with two guys. I mean, nothing else stuck. Nothing. So why this? RORY: It's a mystery. LANE: Why couldn't the gluten-free thing stick? I could've lived with that. Or the not dancing thing. Oh, you should have seen Zach's face, it was like [SCENE_BREAK] RORY: Like he realized he wasn't going to have s*x with you until the wedding night. LANE: Yes! Exactly. God, this blows! RORY: A lot of people wait until they're married to have s*x. LANE: Yes. Jessica Simpson and Donna from 90210. RORY: And a couple of others. LANE: Oh, my God, what if I never get married? RORY: You'll get married. LANE: If I never get married then I'll never have s*x. RORY: You'll get married, you'll have s*x. LANE: That's easy for you to say. You've already had s*x with two different guys. All within a one year period. RORY: Okay, you're making me sound a little slutty. LANE: Well, why shouldn't you be slutty? You have absolutely no mother-taught morals standing in the way of you and your sluttiness. RORY: Oh. Well, when you put it that way. LANE: Is it great? RORY: Is what great? LANE: s*x! Is it great? RORY: Not in front of the books, Lane. LANE: What am I saying? It's great. And I will never experience it because by the time I'm ready to get married all the men will have been taken by women who didn't grow up in my household! [Lane puts on her coat.] RORY: Going out to find a husband? LANE: I have to get extra trash bags for the diner. RORY: All right. Call me later. [Lane exits the bookstore and starts walking down the street. She notices her mother up ahead, handing out flyers. She begins walking faster.] LANE: You're in my head! Are you happy? You are in my head! MRS. KIM: What? [Bewildered, she watches Lane hurry away.] STARS HOLLOW BOOKSTORE [Rory is reading a book about Ernest Hemingway. She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and dials. Scene cuts from Rory in the store to Logan, sitting in front of some trees.] LOGAN: Hello? RORY: We were both wrong. LOGAN: About? RORY: Hemingway's manuscripts were stolen in Hadley's suitcase at the Gare de Lyon. LOGAN: Huh. RORY: Yep. Just thought you should know. We're both dumb. LOGAN: Guess we found each other. RORY: Guess we did. So how's the outing in the woods going? LOGAN: It was going fine until Finn decided to go through one of his naked phases. RORY: Yikes. LOGAN: Yeah. Suddenly the cabin seemed very small. RORY: I bet. LOGAN: Plus it got boring, and there's too many people there I know, so I decided to cut my skiing trip short. RORY: Yeah? Where are you now? LOGAN: Yale. RORY: What? LOGAN: Yep. Seems like I got the whole place to myself, too. RORY: I bet. Everybody's gone for spring break. LOGAN: You know it's nice like this. Very quiet. Lots of privacy. It's too bad you're not here. RORY: And why is that? LOGAN: I just think you'd like it. RORY: Well, take me a picture. LOGAN: You know if, by chance, you decided to cut your spring break short, you could be here with me to see it yourself. RORY: Oh, really? LOGAN: Just a suggestion, Ace. RORY: Well, I'll think about it. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai picks a container of Chinese take-out from the coffee table.] RORY [pulling her laundry bags]: So you're sure you're okay with this? LORELAI: Oh, my God, for the fiftieth time, yes. RORY: But I know you had the whole week planned out. I saw the DVD's. LORELAI: Oh, hon. RORY: Woman Under the Influence? LORELAI: A.k.a. the story of me. RORY: Soap marathon. LORELAI: All can be done at a later time. RORY: Okay. How about next weekend? LORELAI: Mm, let me check my spinster catalogue. No, I'm going to be knitting toilet paper cozies till three. But after that I'm good. RORY: Great, and we can do the Friday night Weston's dessert thing again next week. LORELAI: Yeah, whatever you want. RORY: Okay. You're sure you're not mad? LORELAI: Oh, well, you'll never truly know until you read my memoir. RORY: Oh, well. LORELAI: Wait. [She gets up and opens a drawer.] So you'll always have clean underwear. [She hands her two rolls of quarters.] RORY: Mom - LORELAI: Take them. RORY: Ah. Clean underwear, priceless. LORELAI: And I'm going to cover the books you bought from Andrew. RORY: No. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: You're an enabler. LORELAI: I know. You're my only daughter. That I know of. RORY: Mom, thanks. LORELAI: You're welcome. So, he came back early, huh? RORY: Oh, yeah. Um, he said there just wasn't much to do up at the cabin, and it just got kind of cramped and gross with all those guys, so - LORELAI: So, he came back early, huh? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI [giggles a little]: Bye. RORY: Bye. [Rory leaves. Lorelai turns on her movie, looking a little sad.] LUKE'S DINER [Kirk is the only customer. Luke is behind the counter.] KIRK: Oh, my God, I love this stuff I think is meatloaf. [Luke turns around and glares at him.] KIRK: Sorry. [Emily enters the diner. She stand by the door.[ EMILY: Hello, Luke. [Luke stiffens, his back to Emily.] EMILY: When you get a moment, I'd like to have a word with you. LUKE: I'm busy right now. EMILY: That's fine. I'll just wait here until things die down. [She pulls up a stool at the counter. Luke ignores her and makes some coffee. She opens the menu.] You have a wide selection here. [Pause.] What is mud pie? KIRK: Oh, that's awesome. It's chocolate pie with Oreo cookie crust, and sometimes you can get Luke to put gummy worms in it, like worms in the mud, so, you can imagine. EMILY [disgusted]: Well, you've painted a wonderful picture. [To Luke] Your coffeemaker seems to be full now. LUKE [slamming the filter into the machine]: Coffee, Kirk? KIRK: Oh, no. I can't drink coffee. It makes my lungs hurt. [Luke pours him a cup.] Thanks. EMILY [to Kirk]: Would you mind excusing us? KIRK: Oh, um, okay. [He gets up and takes his plate outside.] EMILY: My daughter and I aren't speaking. She won't take my calls, she won't come to dinner. She apparently wants nothing to do with me. [Pause.] I'm sure you know that Lorelai and I have had many battles. Most of them have been because I feel that I know what's best for her. But Lorelai has her own ideas about what she thinks will make her happy. She wants you, Luke. She's made her choice, God help her, but there it is. It doesn't matter if I agree with it, I can't fight it. You've won. Go back to her. I promise I will stay out of it. [She gets up and heads toward the door. Kirk is pressed up against the glass.] You're going to have to clean that window. [She leaves. Luke stares at the door.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is watching a movie. Judy Garland is singing on the screen.] JUDY: The night is bitter, the stars have lost their glitter. The winds grow colder, suddenly you're older, and all because of the man that got away. [She hears someone knocking on the door. She opens the door and Luke walks in, wraps his arms around her and kisses her. Lorelai closes the door.] JUDY: No more his eager call, the writing's on the wall, the dreams you've dreamed have all gone astray. ____________________END______________________
Plan: A: Emily; Q: Who goes to the diner to talk to Luke? A: Rory; Q: Who surprises everyone with a rare outburst at her grandmother? A: Friday night dinner; Q: When does Rory attend without Lorelai? A: Sookie; Q: Who does Lorelai plan to go out with instead of her mother? A: 100-year-old; Q: How old is the Greek book that Richard and Emily give to Rory? A: her grandmother; Q: Who does Rory yell at for interfering in Lorelai's love life? A: Luke; Q: Who is miserable without Lorelai? A: his customers; Q: Who does Luke take his anger out on? A: his dark mood; Q: What causes Luke to burn food? A: one customer; Q: Who does Luke throw out of the diner? A: time; Q: When a meter maid is writing a ticket to Luke's boat, Lorelai comes in what to put some quarters in the meter? A: a horrific realization; Q: What does Lane have about her mother's influence? Summary: When Richard and Emily return from their second honeymoon, Rory attends Friday night dinner without Lorelai, who refuses to speak to her mother or see her, and plans a girls' night out with Sookie instead. Richard and Emily then give a 100-year-old Greek book to Rory and have yet another maid. Rory surprises everyone with a rare outburst at her grandmother for interfering in Lorelai's love life. Meanwhile, Luke, who's miserable without Lorelai, takes his anger out on his customers and his dark mood causes him to burn the food and when one customer wants his omelet redone, he throws him out of the diner. When a meter maid is writing a ticket to put on Luke's boat (that is parked in front of the diner) Lorelai comes in time to put some quarters in the meter. Emily goes to the diner to talk to Luke. Meanwhile, Lane has a horrific realization about her mother's influence.
"Meet the Dupes" 30th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 2ADA08 [SCENE_BREAK] (Episode begins in New York City. We see 4 people who look like the pod squad - except they're wearing punk clothing - come up the stairs from the subway. They pass by a fruit stand. The Max look-a-like causes the stand to fall. As the vendors gather the fruit, the Isabel look-a-like steals money from their cash register. The group of four continue walking down the street) Punk: Hey, what's up, girl? Lonnie: What's up, man? Punk: You look good! Rath: She knows it. Yo, gimme the rock, G. (The street punk tosses his basketball to the Michael look-a-like, who keeps it and continues walking down the street) Punk: Hey, yo! My man! My ball! Rath: They contacted us again last night. Same invite. We gotta tell 'em something. Zan: Tell 'em no. Lonnie: Yo, you sayin' we ain't going to the summit? Zan: That's what I'm saying. Rath: Yo, that's messed up, duke. This is the only time we've ever been contacted. Zan: Whatever. That's it. Ava: We tell 'em no, they won't ask again. Zan: Tell 'em hell no. Rath: What is up with you, man? I'm tired of you. I'll go by myself! Zan: They don't want the number 2. They want the royal four. Rath: Why don't we go and see what they gotta say? Why don't we go and get the answers? Zan: What if it's a setup? Rath: No, it's not a setup! They need us! Zan: I'm the man. Don't forget. Lonnie: Yo. Guys. It's been a mad long day. Let's just chill. Rath: Yeah. You the man. (Opening credits) Teacher: A black hole...that's what's left after a star dies. And that's exactly what happened last week, my friends. The spectacular, stellar, implosion of a red giant, unheard of in the history of astronomy...the first time a post-main sequence star burning in its prime suddenly and without warning violently exploded in a supernova of a hundred million degrees and disappeared, a process that typically takes many thousands of years. What could have accounted for this...remarkable loss? (Class ends. Liz catches up with Max in the hallway) Liz: Hey. Kinda weird about that star, huh? Kinda sad. It just doesn't seem that something burning so bright could just...burn out. Max: But it did. (Max walks off) (Back in New York, Rath, Lonnie, and Ava steal a Trans Am. Zan is no longer with them) Rath: Trans Am, baby. Yeah! Can't wait to get out of the city. Red line says 120, but I bet you she goes 130. Ava: We were family. The four of us. Lonnie: Things change. Rath: Yo, move outta the way! Ava: He was your brother, Lonnie. Lonnie: That's right. Zan's my brother. Rath's my lover. But who are you? Why are you still livin' and breathin' and ridin' in this car? Oh, that's right. You're here 'cause i love you. Ain't that sweet? (At the UFO Center, Brody is working on his computer. Max comes in) Max: Brody. Brody: Max. You're here! I've been dying to tell someone about this all day. Look, activity...on the East coast, somewhere near here. Max: New York? Brody: Uh-huh. See these blips? They appeared last week. Someone or something is trying to make contact. I'll run a few programs, try to see if any of the ratios match anything from the records, see if we can't find... (Brody's pager goes off) Brody: Time for dinner. Max: I'm not hungry. Brody: Well, just...whatever. Take a break. Go! Max: I just got here. Brody: Go, go, go, go, go! (At the Crashdown) Maria: And don't forget the pepperjack. Guy's nuts about his pepperjack. Michael: Yeah. All right. Maria: Oh, Max called. He said that he wants to have a meeting with everybody Saturday night. Michael: No. I can't make that. Maria: Really? Michael: Yeah. I got big plans. I can't change 'em. Maria: That is so sweet. Michael: Sweet? It's the dirt bike finals. Maria: Hello? I'm singing on Saturday at the new performance space next to the museum! Michael: Yeah. But I've heard you sing before. What's the big deal? (Maria delivers the sandwich to Brody at the UFO Center) Brody: Hi. Maria: Galaxy Sub. Hold the mayo. Brody: Thank you very much. Maria: Is there pepperjack in that sandwich? Brody: Uh...no. Doesn't appear to be. Maria: I just...I can't believe it! I cannot believe it! Brody: It's ok, really. Maria: No. No, it's not ok. You ordered pepperjack. You have the right to expect pepperjack. This is...this is unacceptable is what it is! Brody: It's just cheese. Maria: No, it's not just cheese. Brody: But it's a very small thing. Maria: Yes. It is a very small thing, and that's why a person who can't even get the cheese right does not deserve to live! Brody: Wow. You take your job very seriously. Maria: You know what? Here. Take your money back. It's on the house. Brody: Well, then at least let me give you a tip. Here. Maria: That's unnecessary. But thank you. (Maria leaves) Brody: So, uh, what do you think of our new President? (Switch to the Trans Am) Rath: What's your problem, Ava? You ain't said nothin' in 2 days. Ava: You said you were gonna make him change his mind about going to the summit. You... Rath: Well, we couldn't, so we went with an alternative. Ava: He was the leader, Rath! Rath: Zan coulda ruled a planet, but he didn't wanna deal. We are better off without him. Ava: And how do we know this...other Zan is gonna be any different? Lonnie: Max. Max Evans. That's his name. And we don't. We don't. But we'll be smarter about it this time. We'll find another way in. Rath: They don't wanna meet with just the three of us. They want the king. So all we gotta do is get him to the summit, and we'll marinate on the rest later. (Max is driving around in his jeep and spots Isabel jogging along the road) Max: We need to talk. Isabel: One more mile. Max: What are you running from? Isabel: I'm just getting in shape. Max: Since when? Your only exercise used to be the escalator at the mall. Isabel: Things change. Max: Fine. I'll see you later. Vilandra. Are you...Vilandra? Isabel, there's always been a special bond...ever since we came out of the pods. We have to be able to be honest with each other. Isabel: I'm sorry, Max. (Isabel goes back to jogging) (Switch back to the Trans Am, which has entered the Roswell city limits) Ava: So how come they weren't invited to the summit? Lonnie: Because we're the only ones that know there's another set of us out there. Besides, they're living out here in the middle of nowhere under a rock. (Rath speeds by a police car, which happens to be driven by Sheriff Valenti. He flashes his lights and pulls them over) Rath: Damn! 5-0. Lonnie: Be cool. Rath: Don't worry. He's already toast. (Sheriff Valenti parks behind them and walks up to the front window. Rath gets ready to blast him) Sheriff: License and registration. Michael? Ha ha ha ha ha! Lord have mercy! What's with the hair and the outfits? Lonnie: We were actually on our way to a party. It was kinda like a New York theme. Sheriff: You look like you're from another planet. For once. So where'd you get this car? Lonnie: We, uh, we borrowed it, Sheriff, um...Valenti. Sheriff: Hey, listen, you wanna slow it down a little bit. There's no need to attract any additional attention to yourselves, especially with what we've been through lately. Rath: Word! No, you ain't lyin', sir. Sheriff: Where's your brother? Lonnie: We were actually on our way to get him, but we were kinda nervous about goin' by the house, 'cause there was like a weird car parked out front. Sheriff: A weird car? Rath: You know...alien hunter. Lonnie: Yeah. Felt like we were being watched by someone, so, like maybe we could follow you back and you could check it out and make sure it was safe. Sheriff: All right. I'll tell you what. You follow me. If the coast is clear, I'll just wave ya on in. Lonnie: Cool. Thanks, Sheriff. You're the freakin' man! Sheriff: Ha ha ha ha. (Switch to the Crashdown, where Max is studying, probably thinking about the star that died) Liz: Um, do you want anything else from the kitchen? 'Cause it's gonna close. Max: No, thanks. Liz: I hate this. I hate that we can't even be around each other. Long before we kissed...we were friends. We talked. We laughed. I don't understand why we just can't go back to that. Max: We can't. I can't. I just...I need time. Liz: Ok. I understand that. I do. I...I can respect it. But, um...I don't want you to hate me. (Max leaves) (Switch to the NY aliens. Sheriff Valenti has led them to the Evans home) Rath: It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood. Lonnie: Can you imagine actually living here? Rath: No! I'd kill myself. Lonnie: Let's get in there and see what makes Mr. Max spin. Stay by the car and keep lookout. (Ava sits on the hood to keep watch. Rath and Lonnie climb in through Max's window) Lonnie: I told you. Total cornball. Rath: Check out this gear. Unbelievable. Where does he shop for stuff like this...freakin' Conway's? Lonnie: Yo. Out here, they think that's hip. Rath: Mm-hmm! Lonnie: Oh, my God! Check this out. He works in the UFO museum. Rath: No! Lonnie: Yeah. Rath: Hoo! Look at this. Lonnie: Ah. This must be his bitch. Where'd you find this? Rath: In his sock drawer. Lonnie: "To Max. I'll always love you. Liz." Rath: Liz. Lonnie: She ain't got nothin' goin' on. Rath: Yeah, well, I'd do her. Lonnie: Fine. Do her, but don't kill her. What we're doin' here is important. Don't screw it up. (Mr. Evans is looking for Max and knocks on the door. Rath dives to the floor and hides next to the bed) Philip: Max? Izzie? Lonnie: Hey...Dad. Philip: What happened to you? You look like some...rapper on TV. Like that, uh, Queen Latisha. Lonnie: Queen Latifah. Philip: Tell me that's not a tattoo. Lonnie: Chill, Dad. It's henna. It'll wash off. Ha ha ha. Ok. No, no...you know what? I'll tell you the truth. I ain't really Isabel. Philip: You're not? Lonnie: No. I'm...Juliet. See, school's doing this kinda rock 'n' roll version of Romeo and Juliet, and, well... Philip: And my daughter's playing Juliet? That's great, honey! Oh ha ha! The smell of the grease paint. The roar of the crowd. I took theater, too. I was Puck my senior year. Lonnie: Totally epic, Dad. Philip: Ha! You certainly got that jive down. No, but I'm glad that you've...taken an interest in something, honey. But, I wish your brother would. Lonnie: Max? Yeah, he seems so, uh... Philip: Tense. Now, I'm worried about him. Even the therapy's not helping him...though obviously it's helping you. Lonnie: Yeah, a shrink. But he is...helping me...to find myself. Philip: I was thinking...perhaps you and Max could have a joint session to work out whatever's come between you. Lonnie: I didn't think you'd noticed. Philip: The doors slamming, the silence at the dinner table? Oh...I've never seen you fight like this. Lonnie: Well, I'd really like to work it out. Philip: Promise me you'll consider it? The joint session? (Lonnie nods) Philip: Ha. Oh. (Mr. Evans leaves. Rath comes out from his hiding place) Lonnie: Yeah, ok. Ha. A shrink? How whack is that, yo? Rath: So...Max's a head case. We can use that. "Love, Liz". Mmmm. (Maria goes back to the UFO Center) Maria: What is this? Brody: A tip. Maria: $100 tip? Why? Brody: Honestly? It's Ben Franklin. I can't stand lookin' at the bloke. Now, you give me 5 Andrew Jacksons any day. Look. I mean, there's a head of hair. It's nice and thick. It's got kinda an Elvis thing going on. The sideburns... Maria: Clearly, you are a man with too much money. Look, I don't know what you're thinking, Mister, but Maria De Luca, right here...not for sale. I mean, sure...no. No! Not even for that much money. Brody: Then how 'bout lunch? Maria: Did you just ask me out on a date? Brody: No! No, absolutely not. Maria: Oh... Brody: But maybe the next time you bring me a sandwich, you could bring one for yourself and not charge me for it even though I have too much money, but pay for it yourself because that would make it officially not a date. And then stay and eat it with me. And keep me company while I'm dateless. What do you think? Maria: I, um...I think you're a little strange. Brody: Mm...sometimes, yeah. (Rath finds Liz at school) Rath: Whassup? You look tight. Liz: Excuse me? Did...oh, my God, Michael! What is with your hair? Rath: I wouldn't mind kickin' it to ya. Liz: Kickin' it. Yeah. Rath: Whaddaya say you give me a little somethin' somethin', huh? Liz: Oh, my God! Get away from me! What is going on with you? Rath: I just thought since Maxie wasn't around that we could, uh... Liz: Just stop, ok? Rath: Ai-ight. You got me. I just...I just wanted to see, you know, if you'd go for it, and you... Liz: No. It's not gonna happen...ever. Rath: Of course not. (Liz starts to leave. Rath grabs her and kisses her on the lips) Liz: Uhhh. Oh, my God! Eww! (Liz hurries off to class) Rath: Epic. (Saturday, at the UFO Center, Max is explaining what he's been pondering the past few days) Max: So I think that the signals Brody tracked could be connected to the dying star somehow, and... Michael: You called us all together here for this emergency meeting to talk about a star that croaked? Max: I think it could mean something. It's...been haunting me. Maria: I cancelled my performance, Max. Max: I think we should be ready for the next challenge. (Ava, Rath, and Lonnie listen in on the discussion from behind a grating) Rath: Yo. He's Zan, all right. Look at him. Lonnie: Zan with an even bigger stick up his ass. No wonder his bitch left him. Rath: What a bunch of scrubs. Lonnie: I don't know why they told all those humans about their secrets. It's like a freaking town meeting down there. (Alex interrupts) Alex: Hey, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late. (Alex breaks out in laughter upon seeing what appears to be Michael, Isabel, and Tess in punk clothes) Alex: I don't remember it saying anything about costumes on the invitation. Oh. But it's too late for Halloween, and it's too early for Mardi Gras, so what's goin' on? Are we like goin' on the Ricki Lake show or something? (Alex peers through the grating and notices the real Michael, Isabel, and Tess standing next to Max, Maria, and Liz in the area below. He realizes something is different with the people in front of him) Alex: Scratch that question. Uh, who needs a holiday to dress up, right? Anyway... (Alex hurries away and goes down to meet his friends below) Max: Alex. You're late. Alex: Uh...um...uh. (Alex points to the stairs. Rath, Lonnie, and Ava appear at the top of the stairs) [SCENE_BREAK] Rath: Hey, yo, up here! Maria: Now this is freaky. Max: Who are you? Lonnie: We're you. Isabel: I...I don't understand... Michael: They're shape-shifters. Lonnie: I know you must be buggin' out right now, 'cause I'd be buggin', too. Isabel: How could this be? Michael: 8. 8. There was 8 pods originally. Rath: You know about that. Michael: Yeah, I...we just found out recently, so...I just...didn't know you'd look like us. Max: All we know is that there were 8 originally. We never knew what happened to the other 4. Lonnie: They went to New York. Max: New York? Rath: The Big Apple. Center of the universe. Amazing pizza. Liz: Um...but there's only 3 of you. Lonnie: We had a fourth. We just lost him. Ava: He name was...Zan. Max: I'm Max. Isabel: How did you lose your Max? Rath: He died in a stupid accident. You know, all his powers, all his abilities, and, you know, he died in a street accident. For nothin'. Yo, I'm Rath. Lonnie: Lonnie. Isabel: Isabel. Ava: I'm Ava. Tess: Tess. Max: This is Michael, and these are our friends: Alex, Maria, and Liz. Liz: Uh, we met. Rath: Sorry about that. I was, uh...I was just trying to get the lay of the land. Something's cookin'...something that's gonna affect all of us. Could we talk in private? (Rath and Max go to another room to talk) Rath: You look so much like him. Max: Zan? Rath: Yeah. Anyways...we've been contacted. You know, it seems some of peeps from the hood, they wanna hook up with us and have a sit-down. Max: The...the hood? Rath: Our star system. Home. You...the ruling families of the 5 planets...they wanna have this summit meeting. I don't know, duke. I mean, I know it's important and it's got something to do with making the peace, but, you know, Zan was gonna go and represent our family and...that's why we need you. Max: Me? Rath: Yeah, with Zan dead, you're the only kin we got. Max: Why did they contact you and not us? Rath: We're the ones they found. They don't know that there's 2 sets. (Back in the main area of the UFO Center, Michael is asking Lonnie some questions) Michael: So why are there 2 sets? Lonnie: Well, they made one batch and didn't get it quite right, so...they made another. Michael: So you guys are, like, defective. Lonnie: Actually, you're the defectives. Too human. No offense. When they sent us down here, the war was still going on. We were possibly the only chance for survival, so they sent both sets, you know, for insurance. (Switch back to Max and Rath) Max: Were you close, you and Zan? Rath: Oh, yeah, we were closer than brothers, man. I mean...you know, all my life, I looked up to him and I wanted to be like him and...and then just one day, just...bam! (In the main part of the UFO Center, the others are getting to know each other) Isabel: So...Lonnie. Is that short for Vilandra? Lonnie: That's right. You know about Vilandra? Isabel: I've heard some things. Lonnie: What do you know? Isabel: What do you know? Lonnie: She betrayed her family...brought down the whole house of cards...got everyone killed. Sound familiar? It's been hard keeping it to myself all these years. You have no idea. Isabel: Yes, I do. Lonnie: You haven't told Max? But you seem so close. Isabel: I...I wanted to, but...but I didn't even want to believe it myself, and...the thought of telling him... Lonnie: It's ok. It's ok. It'll be our little secret. Alex: Ladies, uh...frosty beverage? Lonnie: No 3 ways tonight, opie. Maybe later. (Back in the other room, Max and Rath continue their private discussion) Max: I don't even know what the war's about. Rath: We know it's about us...the original royal four. Some kind of revolution happened, and they were all killed and sent to earth to be reborn. Ever since then, the hood's been a war zone. And now they want peace. I know you're not Zan, and I know it's kinda screwed to lay all this stuff on you, but this meant a lot to him. He's our peace. He's our chance to do something with this life. This is it. Max: I'm not Zan. Rath: Don't worry. I mean, I'll be right there with you. But without you...there is no summit and there is no peace. Millions of lives hang in the balance, Max. So you...you gotta step up. (Max discusses what's going on with Isabel, Michael, and Tess) Max: Well...here we are. Isabel: And there we are. Michael: I thought I'd seen everything. Max: They want me to go to New York to a...a summit meeting. Michael: What, just you? We weren't invited? Max: I already told them no. (Rath and Lonnie are discussing how things are turning out) Rath: Think it's gonna take some work. He's got that same brick head as Zan. Lonnie: We don't got a lotta time. Rath: Back off. I'm on it. Lonnie: Like you were on Zan? Do not screw this up, Rath. He goes to the summit, or we are stuck on this wretched planet for the rest of our lives. (In another room in the UFO Center, Liz and Maria are having a discussion) Maria: Ok. So duplicate Michael kissed you, and you decided not to tell me this very pertinent fact? Liz: No, I wanted to tell you, I just...I couldn't... Maria: But you thought, hey, it's just Michael slipping me the tongue. There's nothing unusual about that... Liz: Maria, it's not Michael. Maria: But you didn't know that then, Liz! Liz: Can't you get over it? I'm sorry. Look, can I just...can I just talk to you for one second? (Maria nods) Liz: Ok. This thing kind of happened with Kyle, but it didn't really happen, and I can't tell Max what I didn't do. But I can't tell you what I didn't do either, so don't ask me to explain it, ok? But...the point is, I just feel really stupid being here. Maria: Do you realize that what you just said made absolutely no sense? Alex: Hey, how long have I been asleep? (The sound of someone opening the front door is heard) Max: It's 7:30. Tess: In the morning? Max: I-it's just my boss. Hide. (Brody enters the UFO Center to find everywhere inside) Brody: What the hell is this? Max: Morning. Brody: Wha? Is there a party going on? Funny I wasn't invited, seeing how it's my building. And who are you? Michael: Uh, Brody, this is my, uh, twin brother Bob. Brody: I didn't know you had a brother. Rath: I live in New York. Brody: Well, that explains the hair. Now who can explain what you're all doing here? (Maria saves the day by asking Brody to breakfast) Maria: Hi. Brody: Hi! Maria: Um...you know how you asked about lunch? Brody: Uh-huh. Maria: Well, how do you feel about having a little breakfast? Brody: Stay as long as you like. (Brody and Maria leave) Rath: You want me to kill him for you? Michael: I'll get back to you on that. (At the Crashdown, Brody and Maria are having breakfast together) Brody: You believe in God? Maria: Isn't it a little early for that conversation? Brody: Yeah, you're right. Maria: Ok. Fine. Fine. Um...it's a definite maybe. You? Brody: I used to. Maybe I still do. There are just so many things that make me wonder. Maria: Like... Brody: Do you believe in aliens? Maria: Why not? I'm dating one. I'm kidding. Of course. Heh. Brody: You see, I'm not. I had an experience once... Maria: Oh, right. Your abduction! Brody: How do you know? Oh, did Max say something? Maria: Oh, no. No. I just...I kinda looked into your background. You know, good-looking...multi-millionaire...buys UFO Center. Kind of stirs my curiosity. So...I did an internet search and, I... Brody: And found out I'm a whacko. Maria: Ha ha ha. Brody: I've got a feeling it's about to happen again. Maria: Why? Brody: Well, just things...missing moments of time, bizarre dreams I can't remember in the morning. It all reminds me of the last time. So, if I...suddenly disappear for a couple of days, it's nothing personal. I've just been abducted. Maria: Ok. Brody: Ok? Just like that? No "I'm sure it won't happen again, Brody." "It's all in your head, Brody." Maria: No, no, it's just that if there's one thing that living in Roswell's taught me is that anything can happen. (The New York aliens are talking things over) Ava: He'll never change his mind. Lonnie: I don't care. He's coming to New York one way or another. Ava: What is that supposed to mean? Lonnie: You really wanna know? Ava: I don't want to be a part of this. Rath: That chick is turning into a real problem. Lonnie: Don't worry. Max is coming with us. I guarantee it. (Lonnie goes to visit Max at the Evans home) Max: What are you doing here? Lonnie: I had to see you. Max: It's dangerous. Lonnie: I had to get something out, something I never got to say to Zan, and now it's too late, and I was thinking about how maybe if I tell you, I can get it outta my head, you know? Max: What is it? Lonnie: I wanted to apologize. Max: For what? Lonnie: For betraying you. Max, have you ever been so crazy in love that you'd just do about anything? Well, back on our planet, Vilandra...me...Isabel...this person we used to be...we had it bad for a guy named Kivar. We sold you out, man. We're the ones with blood on our hands. We're the ones that got everybody killed. Vilandra was the, uh...the Benedict Arnold. Max: But you're not Vilandra. And neither is Isabel. Lonnie: Not technically, no. But she's like this...demon I carry around inside of me. We both do, Isabel and I. She told me so that night we met. Max: Isabel would never betray me. Lonnie: Course not. Just like I would have never shafted Zan. I'm glad she's come clean with you about this. You're lucky to have a sister you're so tight with, you know? I wish Zan and I had been that tight. (We see Isabel walking down an alley. Max has been waiting and confronts her) Max: You lied to me about Vilandra. Isabel: I don't know what you're... Max: Shut up! She betrayed me...and Michael and Tess and our mother...our whole planet? Isabel: Who told you this? Did she tell you this? Max: She cared enough to apologize to me. I had to hear it from a stranger! And yet, my own sister... Isabel: All right, Max. Fine. Fine. Now you know. I was sick of keeping it a secret, sick of worrying about disappointing you...the great king. Max: I trusted you. Isabel: I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything, and I'm not gonna stand here and be accused of something someone else did in another lifetime, something completely irrelevant! Max: If it's so irrelevant, then why didn't you tell me? Isabel: Because I have my own life, and I can't live it when I'm busy trying to prove myself to you all the time, trying to prove I won't betray you! It is exhausting living with that! Max: I never asked you to prove yourself. Isabel: Yes, you did. You treat everybody like they're your property. I don't belong to you, Max. I never did. Max: I feel like I don't even know you. Isabel: How could you? All you care about is yourself. And Liz Parker, of course. Maybe you're finally getting what you deserve...finally looking in the mirror and seeing what you really are, and you are no king! You are a self-centered, self-indulgent little boy! (Michael comes along and intervenes) Michael: Hey, what are you doing? Max: I'm going to New York. Michael: That is an amazingly bad idea, Max. Max: If you think it's bad, Michael, then I know it's the right thing to do. Michael: Fine. Fine! Go be with them! (Max leaves) Isabel: I don't know what happened. He just went crazy on me. Michael: Don't worry. It'll be ok. Isabel: I know. (We see now that Rath and Lonnie were impersonating Michael and Isabel to manipulate Max) Rath: Start spreadin' the news. Lonnie: We're leavin' today. Let's get the hell outta these clothes. Rath: Word. (Max visits Liz before taking off for New York) Liz: Hi. Max: You said...you wanted to be friends...and I thought about it. And...I realized that...that I can't be friends with you because...I'm still hanging on...to you. To what we had. So...I decided to make a clean break. Here. (Max hands Liz a pocket knife) Liz: Max, this is yours. I gave it to you last Christmas. Max: I'm giving it back. I'm...I'm going to New York with Rath and Lonnie and...and Tess...to the summit. Liz: Are you gonna come back? Max: I don't know. I can't think that far ahead. Liz: Wait, um, Max...um...when...when you're at the summit, the granilith, ok? It's powerful, and it could be really dangerous if the wrong people get their hands on it. Max: What are you talking about? How do you know anything about the granilith? Liz: Oh...I can't tell you. But I just...I know, and...please, Max. You have to trust me. Max: I guess that's the problem, Liz. (Max leaves. He and Tess meet up with Ava, Rath, and Lonnie. Ava has a flashback to when Zan died. We see Rath pushing Zan into the street in the path of an oncoming truck) Ava: Too tight. Looks like there's no room for me. Just as well. Rath: What you trippin' about? Ava: I ain't goin'. Rath: Don't be crazy. What are you gonna do, stay in the desert? Yo...just get in the car. Hey, I said get in, or I'll... Ava: Kill me? What, you gonna kill me? Max: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we doin' here? Rath: Wha? Ha ha. You think I was gonna kill her? You wanna stay? Then you can stay. It's not a problem. Let's, uh...let's go to New York. (Ava leaves. The episode ends with Max, Tess, Rath, and Lonnie getting into the car and starting the drive to New York)
Plan: A: Duplicate versions; Q: What is Michael, Isabel, and Tess? A: Isabel; Q: Who does Max discover was Vilandra in their past lives? A: their king Zan; Q: Who did Michael, Isabel, and Tess kill? A: Max; Q: Who discovers Isabel was Vilandra? A: an important interstellar summit; Q: What do the duplicate versions of Michael, Isabel, and Tess want Max to attend? A: New York City; Q: Where is the interstellar summit? A: their own agenda; Q: What do the duplicates of Michael, Isabel, and Tess have? A: friction; Q: What does Max's discovery that Isabel was Vilandra cause between him and Isabel? A: Ava; Q: Who stays behind in Roswell? Summary: Duplicate versions of Michael, Isabel, and Tess come to Roswell after killing their king Zan, to urge Max to attend an important interstellar summit in New York City, but they have their own agenda; Max also discovers Isabel was Vilandra in their past lives, causing friction between him and Isabel; Ava stays behind in Roswell. To be continued...
"THE INVASION" BY DERRICK SHERWIN FROM A STORY BY KIT PEDLER First broadcast - 7th December 1968 Running time - 23 minutes 20 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1. SEWERS JAMIE: (In horror.) They're coming at us from both directions! (Two Cybermen are at the far end of the tunnel, and a third one is approaching from the other side, rapidly. The third one seems to be screaming in a form of agony.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. STREET (A Land Rover carrying Captain TURNER, Sergeant WALTERS, and a private drives up and parks close to the manhole where Corporal BENTON is waiting for them.) BENTON: Down here sir. TURNER: (To WALTERS.) Sergeant, get the torch. (WALTERS runs back to the Rover.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. SEWERS ZOE: (Panicking.) What are we going to do? JAMIE: Back! Against the wall! (JAMIE presses everyone back against the wall as the Cyberman reaches them. It's suffering from something so horrible that it ignores them completely and runs straight past them. JAMIE, ZOE, and ISOBEL gape in astonishment.) JAMIE: It's out of control, sort of wild. (At the ladder to the pothole, Captain TURNER shines a torch up and down the tunnel as the last soldier climbs down the ladder into the sewer.) WALTERS: Come on lads, let's hurry it up. BENTON: What's that voice, sir? TURNER: I don't know. Come on, let's try this way. (He leads the way, to their right. TURNER has a pistol at the ready and the others all carry rifles. TURNER shouts out down the corridor.) TURNER: Isobel, where are you? Jamie? (Down the tunnel, JAMIE and the others hear him.) TURNER: (OOV.) This is Captain Turner! Where are you? ISOBEL: You see, somebody coming. I told you. JAMIE: No, wait! There's Cybermen between us remember. ISOBEL: What are we going to do? We just can't wait here for more to come along. TURNER: (OOV.) Are you down there? (ISOBEL looks like she is about to answer but then turns back to JAMIE and ZOE.) ISOBEL: At least, let him know we're here. JAMIE: Aye, and the Cybermen too. (Meanwhile, WALTERS looks about him nervously.) WALTERS: Reckon they copped it as well, sir? TURNER: Can't be sure, that's the trouble. WALTERS: Aye, these sewers are a right maze. They could be anywhere? TURNER: Yeah. We'd better get in touch with the Brigadier immediately. (They turn around to head back for the manhole when suddenly WALTERS sees something.) TURNER: What the... WALTERS: Sir, what... (Down the tunnel, stand two Cybermen, chest units glowing in the darkness.) TURNER: Move back, all of you... slowly. (One of the Cybermen calls to them in a very computerised voice.) CYBERMAN: Do not move! (TURNER talks to WALTERS quietly.) WALTERS: Sergeant, Grenades! CYBERMAN: Do not resist. You will obey instructions. TURNER: (Calls.) What do you want us to do? CYBERMAN: You will come with us. Obey. (WALTERS gives TURNER a grenade.) WALTERS: Ready sir. CYBERMAN: Obey or you will be destroyed. (WALTERS starts to throw his grenade when TURNER stops him as suddenly the crazed Cyberman appears behind this pair. The two advancing Cybermen stop and turn around in logical surprise, as the rogue Cyberman crashes into them, flailing its limbs around wildly. TURNER sees their chance.) TURNER: Now! Get down! (The soldiers throw their grenades into the pile of Cybermen, and two explosions throw them to the ground. One of the normal Cybermen staggers to its feet, stepping on its fallen comrades.) TURNER: And again, Sergeant, Grenade quick! WALTERS: Come on, Perkins, Come on. (PERKINS, the private, rises and panics.) PERKINS: It's too late, Sergeant. I'm getting out! (He stands, turns, and runs for it.) TURNER: Perkins! Come back, man! (The Cyberman looks at PERKINS, and a fierce glow shines from the top of its chest unit. The glow bathes Perkins in its lethal light, and he collapses to the floor, his body shining in an oscillating negative. JAMIE, ZOE and ISOBEL have heard the sounds of battle.) ISOBEL: Well, at least we could have warned them! (They hear three more explosions down the tunnel.) TURNER: (OOV.) Isobel, Jamie, Zoe! Are you down there!? JAMIE, ZOE & ISOBEL: Yes! Yes, we are! TURNER: (OOV.) Get to the ladder, as quickly as you can. JAMIE: Right. (All three run down the tunnel towards the manhole. Here, TURNER and the other soldiers have reached the ladder.) TURNER: Come on, hurry it up. Come on Sergeant, keep those men moving. Get the body quickly. (The three civilians arrive, and ISOBEL nearly rushes into TURNER's arms.) ISOBEL: Oh, thanks goodness... TURNER: (Angrily.) Shut up! Come on, get out of here and keep out of the way. I've already lost one man and I don't want to lose any more. Now up that ladder. Get moving! (Both ISOBEL and ZOE start to climb the ladder.) TURNER: Jamie, any more behind you in the tunnel. JAMIE: No. TURNER: Good. (To WALTERS.) Get the body up. (To JAMIE.) Jamie, keep a good look-out. I think one of those Cybermen is still alive. (JAMIE looks down the tunnel. TURNER is correct - one of the Cybermen is still moving.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. STREET (JAMIE is the last to make it up the ladder.) TURNER: Quickly! I'm with you! (Before he clears the manhole, a large metal hand grabs the calf of his leg and he cries out in pain, unable to move and being dragged back down into the manhole.) JAMIE: Ah! My leg! TURNER: All right! All right, Jamie! (TURNER helps keep JAMIE topside, but they can't break the tie between their strength and the Cyberman's.) TURNER: (Calls.) Sergeant! (WALTERS, who was helping BENTON carry PERKINS' body, runs to the Land Rover and picks up his previously discarded rifle. He then runs to the manhole and starts to hammer at the Cyberman's arms and chest with the gun's barrel. After six full hits, the Cyberman finally lets go of JAMIE's leg and starts to fall back down into the manhole.) TURNER: Benton, grenade! BENTON: Coming, sir! TURNER: Quick, man! Hurry! (BENTON runs over to them with a grenade and drops it down the manhole after the Cyberman. A flash, a loud explosion, and smoke pour out of the manhole, followed by silence.) WALTERS: I just don't believe it, sir. All them grenades and he still came out of it. TURNER: Yes. Come on, Let's get out of here. (WALTERS and BENTON help JAMIE walk to the Land Rover.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. LAB (The DOCTOR sits in WATKINS' lab and peers into a microscope. He looks up frustratedly as the BRIGADIER comes in.) BRIGADIER: Any success? DOCTOR: No, not yet. There's an alien logic in these circuits that I hasn't been able to work out yet. BRIGADIER: Hmm, so we're no further ahead. DOCTOR: No, not yet. (The DOCTOR looks down the microscope again.) BRIGADIER: Miss Watkins is developing her photographs. I'm taking a full report to Geneva and UNIT Central Command. DOCTOR: How long will that take? BRIGADIER: Depends. I leave in the morning. If I can get the report to the Council tomorrow, we should get some action between two or three days. DOCTOR: That might be too late! (ISOBEL, ZOE, and JAMIE enter the lab. ISOBEL goes over to the BRIGADIER carrying several photographic prints.) ISOBEL: There we are, some beauties. (She shows them off proudly to the BRIGADIER, who looks over them with disappointment and says "yes" in what he hope is a reassuring tone. The first of the two pictures is a close up of a CYBERMAN, but is very fuzzy and out of focus. The second is of a Cyberman standing under a Sewer light, and it can be shown that it is a man-form but not exactly what it is.) ISOBEL: What's the matter? BRIGADIER: Nothing. They're very good. But I don't want to hurt your professional pride, Miss Watkins, but they do look, er, a little like, ... fakes. ISOBEL: (Exclaims.) Fakes?! (ZOE looks over the somewhat fuzzy photographs and off-center Cybermen.) ZOE: Yes, I see what you mean. ISOBEL: (Irritated.) Oh, charming, I don't know why I bothered! (She storms out of the room.) JAMIE: (Looking at the photos.) Of course it's a Cyberman! Any fool can see that! BRIGADIER: You do, McCrimmon. JAMIE: (Puzzled.) Hey? BRIGADIER: You know them. JAMIE: Oh. BRIGADIER: But the people I'm trying to convince are a little more sceptical. (Suddenly the DOCTOR looks up from his microscope.) DOCTOR: Yes of course! BRIGADIER: What, what? DOCTOR: It could be, it just could be! (He looks through the microscope again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (PACKER stands before VAUGHN's desk.) PACKER: It was definitely the UNIT force. They attacked three Cybermen and destroyed two of them. (VAUGHN shrugs this off.) VAUGHN: How very clever of them. PACKER: They got out alive. Now if they report on what they saw... VAUGHN: Their report would be meaningless, Packer. In a few hours time, the invasion will be complete. There cannot possibly be any serious opposition. PACKER: Well, I hope you're right. VAUGHN: I am, Packer, I am. (He stands and looks out his office window, through the vertical blinds at the skyline of London outside.) VAUGHN: Just look at it out there. Soon we shall control all that. (He turns from his dream and back to PACKER.) VAUGHN: Has the Professor completed his work on the Cerebraton Mentor machine? PACKER: Yes. Gregory's bringing him now. (The door alarm goes off.) PACKER: That would be them. (PACKER opens the door and VAUGHN welcomes GREGORY and WATKINS into his office, and their accompanying guard.) VAUGHN: Ah, come in gentlemen. Well, Gregory, Success? GREGORY: (Worriedly.) I don't know yet, sir. We added narrow bandwidth transducers which should make transmission more directional. VAUGHN: Good, good. Show me. (VAUGHN takes the machine and looks over the additions, including a small black trumpet-like horn attached to the top of the open metal frame of a box.) WATKINS: This is madness! That machine is a deadly weapon now. VAUGHN: (Mock surprise.) Really? WATKINS: The modifications were quite unnecessary. It worked perfectly well as it was. VAUGHN: For your purposes, perhaps, Professor. I have a somewhat... different use for it. WATKINS: All right, all right. Do with it what you will. The machine's yours now. Will you let get out of this place? And let Isobel go free as you promise? (VAUGHN is still looking over the controls of the machine.) VAUGHN: (Casually.) My dear fellow, she is free. (WATKINS looks at him in shock.) WATKINS: Free?! Where? Where is she? VAUGHN: Probably sitting quite comfortably at home. Now then, how does one operate this? (GREGORY notices that VAUGHN has the machine pointed towards WATKINS, whilst fiddling with the controls. He reaches forward to steady the machine in VAUGHN's hands.) GREGORY: Careful, Mister Vaughn. Don't point it at anyone. VAUGHN: No? Dangerous is it? (His face changes from one of mock surprise to one of malice, as he asks WATKINS.) VAUGHN: Fear, Watkins. Do you know what fear is? (WATKINS realises what he's going to do.) WATKINS: No, don't! Don't do... Don't... (VAUGHN switches the machine on. It issues out a harsh metallic whine which crumples Watkins to the floor, writhing in panic and terror.) GREGORY: Mister Vaughn! You'll kill him! Stop! (GREGORY tries to wrestle the machine away from VAUGHN, but PACKER jumps forward and catches GREGORY in a vice-like grip. VAUGHN rounds on GREGORY.) VAUGHN: Perhaps we should try the effectiveness of the machine on you Gregory! At full power!! (PACKER throws GREGORY down on the floor next to the whimpering WATKINS.) GREGORY: (Worriedly.) Mister Vaughn. It's only a play... and we still need the Professor! VAUGHN: I'm aware of that. I suppose that I still need you, otherwise I... (He breaks off, and controls his temper somewhat.) VAUGHN: (To the guards.) Pick them up! (And the guards roughly pick the scientists up off the floor.) VAUGHN: Professor, you'll be taken back to the factory compound. I want these machines on the production lines immediately. Do you understand? (WATKINS can't stand on his own, but is held upright by a guard on his left and a guard on his right, neither being careful about how tightly they hold him.) WATKINS: Vaughn, obviously I can't choose but to work for you. (He swallows and goes on.) WATKINS: If I refuse, you'll torture me and kill me. (Sadly.) I know I can't stand up to torture, and I don't want to die. (Strongly.) You're an evil man Vaughn! You're a sadistic man. You're a megalomaniac. (VAUGHN looks at WATKINS strangely, as though he were really listening for once.) WATKINS: I pity you, but if I get half a chance... I'll kill you! (VAUGHN suddenly looks amused.) VAUGHN: Kill me? Would you? (He reaches out a hand to PACKER.) VAUGHN: Give me your gun, Packer. (PACKER obediently hands over his pistol to VAUGHN. WATKINS looks at VAUGHN as though it were inevitable. VAUGHN steps forward and nearly presses the barrel of the gun in WATKINS' weary face. He stops, turns the gun around in his hand, and laughs.) VAUGHN: Take it! (WATKINS looks at it for a moment as though it were a trick.) VAUGHN: There you are. Take it! (WATKINS changes his mind and in one motion grabs the gun and shrugs off the guards. The two guards, PACKER, and GREGORY all back away toward the wall as they watch WATKINS straighten his coat back onto his shoulders with a shrug as he grasps the gun firmly.) VAUGHN: Now you're free to shoot me, Professor. Shoot! (WATKINS just looks at VAUGHN in surprise, since VAUGHN has given him the gun and is now making no moves to escape him.) VAUGHN: SHOOT! (VAUGHN slaps WATKINS across the face sending him to the floor.) VAUGHN: Come on, the gun's loaded, or haven't you got the courage to pull the trigger? (WATKINS giggles hysterically and he leaps to his feet, holding out the gun and firing off one, two, and three shots rapidly in succession. WATKINS looks disappointed, his face freezing with a new kind of horror, fear, and hopelessness. He faints dead away. Three bullet holes stain VAUGHN's business shirt. But there is no blood, no pain, no holes and no death in Vaughn. VAUGHN looks down at WATKINS' unconscious form and laughs in wry amusement.) VAUGHN: (To the guards.) Take him away. Get work started on the machine immediately. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. LAB (The DOCTOR still continues to work, studying circuits in the microscope intently. Across the room, Captain TURNER also works at setting up a radio set. The room is otherwise silent but for the ticks of the clock, and then for the slide of the door as ISOBEL enters, carrying a tray full of cups of tea. ISOBEL crosses the room, and first offers the tea to the DOCTOR.) ISOBEL: Tea, Doctor. (He looks up, accepts the tea and thanks ISOBEL.) DOCTOR: Oh thank you. (ISOBEL's next intended recipient is JAMIE, who is sleeping very comfortably indeed in a chair against the opposite wall. She tries to wake him and give him his tea.) ISOBEL: Jamie... Jamie, tea. (He doesn't budge. She sets the cup on a tray next to him.) TURNER: (Into the radio microphone.) Captain Turner calling UNIT Control. Captain Turner calling UNIT Control. How do you read me, over? WALTERS: (OOV.) UNIT Control. Loud and clear, sir. TURNER: Relay all important messages and reports direct through to here, Sergeant, over. WALTERS: (OOV.) Wilco, over. TURNER: Good. Over and out. (ISOBEL hands Captain TURNER his cup of tea and then steps back as he sips it.) TURNER: Thanks. (He smiles at her appreciatively.) ISOBEL: I'm forgiven then? TURNER: What? ISOBEL: For being such a twit and going down those sewers. I'm sorry about the soldier. TURNER: Yes, well it's alright. You weren't to know what you were really letting themselves in for. ISOBEL: Why? I would have got us all killed. (She sits down.) ISOBEL: I just didn't realise. And yet those Cybermen things. I've just been listening to Zoe telling the Brigadier about them for his report, and they didn't sound so murderous as they look. TURNER: You know, we dropped five grenades right on top of them and one still came out of it. I'd hate to have to fight a whole army of them. DOCTOR: (Cries.) No, no, no, no, no! (He jumps off his chair and tosses a piece of paper to the ground petulantly. JAMIE stirs at the sound of the DOCTOR's voice.) JAMIE: Hmm... what's the matter, Doctor? Would someone mind telling me what's going on? TURNER: Never mind, Jamie. Just finish your tea and go back to sleep. (Sergeant WALTERS' voice crackles over the radio set.) WALTERS: UNIT Control to CO. UNIT Control to CO. Over. TURNER: (Into microphone.) Captain Turner here, Sergeant. Stand-by. (To ISOBEL.) Isobel, will you go and get the Brigadier for me? ISOBEL: Oh sure. (ISOBEL runs out of the room.) TURNER: (Into microphone.) Brigadier's on his way now, Sergeant. What's the flap? Over. WALTERS: (OOV.) Report from red sector one at 2030 hours... TURNER: (Into microphone.) Hold on a sec. (The BRIGADIER enters with ISOBEL.) TURNER: Right, the Brigadier's listening now. Go ahead, Sergeant. WALTERS: (OOV.) Benton on routine observation reports two guards and another man leaving with the Professor. He is on their tail now, sir. Over. TURNER: (Into microphone.) Hold on, Sergeant. (To BRIGADIER.) Look sir, we could intercept them and release the Professor. BRIGADIER: Well, officially we... ISOBEL: (Pleads.) Oh do, please do. DOCTOR: Brigadier, if you do rescue him, he might help us with our problem. (The BRIGADIER smiles.) BRIGADIER: All right, your shindig Jimmy. TURNER: (Into microphone.) Sergeant, tell Benton to stay with them. I'm on my way now. I'll contact en route, over. WALTERS: (OOV.) Wilco, over. BRIGADIER: Jimmy, don't take any chances. Vaughn's lot know we mean business, so they won't be playing games. TURNER: Aye, sir. I'll take the full assault platoon with me. BRIGADIER: Right. TURNER: (Into microphone.) Sergeant, alert the full assault platoon. I'll relay instructions on route. Have you got that, over? WALTERS: (OOV.) Yes, sir. Over TURNER: (Into microphone.) Good. Over and out. ISOBEL: (To TURNER.) Good luck. BRIGADIER: Good luck, Jimmy. (TURNER leaves and the BRIGADIER muses over the situation with a smile.) TURNER: I think Mister Vaughn is going to have quite a scrap on his hands. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (Some time later, GREGORY stands in VAUGHN's office, but things have changed. He seems a little more worried than usual, as he explains to VAUGHN what a long night it's been for him. This is obvious, since his glasses are missing and his face is stained with dirt.) GREGORY: (With alarm.) There were at least thirty of them, all UNIT men and all armed, Mister Vaughn. We didn't stand a chance. Out of nowhere... They came out of nowhere. (VAUGHN sneers at him from near the dark windows of the brightly-lit office.) VAUGHN: And they just took the Professor? (GREGORY swallows nervously.) GREGORY: What else could we do? There were at least... VAUGHN: ...Thirty of them? GREGORY: They shot the two guards, and they would have shot me if... VAUGHN: ...if you hadn't run away. (GREGORY realises that he is caught.) GREGORY: Well... Yes. (VAUGHN crosses from the window to approach the concerned GREGORY.) VAUGHN: You realise, of course, that without the Professor's assistance, it will not be possible to get the Cerebraton Machine on the production line. (GREGORY sees a ray of hope.) GREGORY: Oh, Mr Vaughn, I can. Given a little time, I'm sure I can! VAUGHN: (Icy calm.) But you have no time Gregory. No time at all... [SCENE_BREAK] 9. IE SEWER ENTRANCE (A few minutes later, GREGORY runs through the sewers. Behind him, PACKER turns to two Cybermen.) PACKER: Kill him! (The Cybermen follow GREGORY. One of them fires its chest unit weapon after him. GREGORY is caught in the glare, his back arches in pain, and he collapses to the floor, writhing in agony.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. LAB (Professor WATKINS sits in safety, exhausted, but glad to be free. He drinks from a glass of brandy or wine. The assembled group is the DOCTOR, the BRIGADIER, JAMIE, ZOE, ISOBEL, and Captain TURNER.) WATKINS: I'm sorry... I can't tell you. DOCTOR: (Gently.) You've no idea what these micro-monolithic circuits are for. WATKINS: No. (The DOCTOR looks really worried.) DOCTOR: Oh my word. WATKINS: I couldn't understand why Vaughn wanted the modifications to the machine. DOCTOR: You say that he is going to mass produce these machines? WATKINS: (Nodding.) Hmm. BRIGADIER: Why would he want a weapon like that if he has got the Cybermen to fight for him. DOCTOR: I've no idea. Unless... Professor! WATKINS: Hm? DOCTOR: You said that you develop this machine to produce excessively powerful emotional pulses. WATKINS: Yes, that's true. DOCTOR: (Excited.) Well, that's it! Vaughn going to use it as a weapon against the Cybermen. BRIGADIER: What, the Professor's machine? DOCTOR: Yes. Emotion is alien to the Cybermen's nervous system. It would destroy it. (And suddenly another thought occurs.) DOCTOR: The micromonolithic circuits. They're emotional circuits! No wonder they weren't logical. (He hurriedly runs to the microscope.) DOCTOR: Now why didn't I think of this before. Now let's see. (WATKINS slowly follows him to help.) JAMIE: Now what's he up to? ZOE: No idea. WATKINS: Doctor... BRIGADIER: Jimmy, I'd better get back to Control. I leave for Geneva at dawn. If the Doctor should come up with anything, let me know. TURNER: Right sir. (JAMIE sees several seats suddenly vacant, and he lies himself down again on one of them.) JAMIE: Oh, oh well, if anything exciting happens, wake me up, will you? I was in the middle of a lovely dream. ZOE: Honestly, Jamie. Cybermen underneath London, and all you can think about is your sleep. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. SEWERS (In the sewers, the Cybermen prepare their invasion. Many march to new positions, and some have now been supplied with larger caliber weapons, like short steel guns.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. LAB (ZOE shakes JAMIE to wake him up.) ZOE: Jamie! JAMIE: (Sleepily.) Ach, what is it? ZOE: The Doctor's discovered something important - come on! (JAMIE finally wakes up and crosses the lab to where the DOCTOR has everyone assembled around a large white board with some drawings on it, a visual aid for his speech. He notices JAMIE's arrival.) DOCTOR: Oh, how do you do Jamie. (He turns and points to the large circle on the right of the board.) DOCTOR: Now then, here is the Earth. (He then points to a smaller circle on the left of the board.) DOCTOR: And here is the Moon. (Next, he points out many small dots around the Earth circle.) DOCTOR: And these are the communication satellites circling the Earth. (And lastly, he points out a small dot on the left side of the Moon circle.) DOCTOR: And here is the Cybermen's spaceship, the invasion spaceship, the one that we saw. Right, now if I'm right, I think that this... (Waving his hand over the Cyberman spaceship.) ...would come to this side of the Moon and boost signals to the Earth. (WATKINS steps in.) WATKINS: The signals will activate these circuits. DOCTOR: Precisely. ZOE: You still haven't told us what that will do. DOCTOR: The micro-monolithic circuits are an artificial nervous system. Once activated they will produce the Cyber-hypnotic force that controls human beings. (TURNER's eyes widen in the realisation.) TURNER: There are hundreds and thousands of these circuits in IE equipment all over the world. WATKINS: Exactly. ISOBEL: So everybody would come under their control. ZOE: Yes, the Cybermen will take over everybody. TURNER: Well, is there anything that we can do? DOCTOR: Yes, there is a way to block the signals, isn't there, Zoe. ZOE: The depolarizer! Worn at the back of the neck will jam the Cyber-control waves. DOCTOR: Yes. (Turning to WATKINS.) Have you any neuristors here, Professor? WATKINS: A few, I think. DOCTOR: Zoe, show the Professor what to do. The invasion could come at any moment. (ZOE gets to work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (VAUGHN is gazing at the dark early morning London skyline from his office window. The alarm from his wall goes off. He opens the dark alcove once more, to reveal the CYBER-PLANNER.) CYBER-PLANNER: Is all in readiness? VAUGHN: Of course. CYBER-PLANNER: There is one hour to invasion time. Countdown will start from now. (A musical ticking sound begins, repeating every second, to VAUGHN's delight.) VAUGHN: Excellent. CYBER-PLANNER: We are moving into position now. Ready to transmit the Cyber-signal. (The CYBER-PLANNER continues to tick away the remaining hour.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. SPACE (In the darkness of space, the large Cyberman spaceship begins to move slowly around the moon, towards the Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. LAB (The DOCTOR speaks over the UNIT radio set to the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: Brigadier, they must all be fitted once. The invasion could come at any moment. BRIGADIER: (OOV.) I'll get all UNIT groups onto it as soon as possible, Doctor. DOCTOR: Good. Good. If you want any help, just call me up. BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Will do. Out. (The DOCTOR gets up and sees ZOE.) DOCTOR: Now then, now many have you made, Zoe? ZOE: Only three, I'm afraid. I couldn't find any more neuristors. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) What? There must be some more amongst all this gubbins. (He indicates the pile of scientific junk in the lab, casually ignoring the fact that he made the mess.) DOCTOR: Come on, let's have a look. We must protect everyone here at least. (He leads the all-out hunt for neuristors and everybody starts to pull the lab inside out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (The CYBER-PLANNER reports to VAUGHN.) CYBER-PLANNER: We are proceeding to our position now. Transmission will be ready in forty minutes. (PACKER enters the office.) VAUGHN: A few minutes Packer, a few minutes and then... I shall control the world. PACKER: (Uncertain.) You? You're sure? VAUGHN: Quite certain Packer. Quite certain. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. LONDON (The early morning sunlight shines over a slowly waking, but still quiet London. All is peaceful and silent, but for the morning birdsong.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. ISOBEL'S ROOM (ISOBEL looks out her window and smiles in peace and comfort. The smile deepens when Jimmy TURNER joins her.) TURNER: Penny for them? ISOBEL: It seems so peaceful. TURNER: Hmm. Do you think the Doctor could be wrong this time? I mean, about the invasion. ISOBEL: Well, he's been right up till now. TURNER: Yeah. True, but I don't know. Look... (He continues to look out the window.) ISOBEL: It's incredible isn't it? Look at all that peace out there, and to think... It's difficult to imagine. (Slowly, yet suddenly, a noise starts up, a loud and constant noise, like waves from an electronic ocean, washing ashore in London from all sides, or something electronic falling all the time, permeating all corners and circles, all streets and squares.) ISOBEL: What's that noise? [SCENE_BREAK] 19. LAB (The DOCTOR hears the noise inside the lab, and he is reacting to it, to his surprise. He feels around his neck.) DOCTOR: Zoe, my depolarizer. It must have fallen off! (Suddenly he collapses to the floor in a deep sleep like a coma. Zoe leaps down to his side...) ZOE: Oh Professor, get us a depolarizer quickly. (WATKINS rushes off to find one.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. LONDON (An upper-middle-class businessman walks along a sidewalk beside a chain-link fence somewhere, on his way to work. The electronic ocean storm sounds in his ears, and he collapses against the fence, grasping the links in fear and confusion. A glazed look forms in his eyes as he cannot help but listen to the noise. A middle aged woman wearing a stocking on her curled hair looks up into the sky and presses her hands into her cheeks and her ears to try to blot out the horrible sound. A man's head is pressed against his car's horn. Other men look skyward, listening to the sound. The man at the fence, the woman, the man in his car, the other two men, all listen to the electronic cacophony, along with the whole world.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. LAB ZOE: Quickly! (ZOE fixes a new depolarizer to the back of the DOCTOR's neck and tries to revive him.) ZOE: Doctor! Doctor! (ISOBEL rushes into the room.) ISOBEL: Oh, is he alright? ZOE: I don't know. ISOBEL: Oh, whatever is that noise?!? TURNER & JAMIE: (OOV.) Doctor! Doctor! JAMIE: Hey! (JAMIE and TURNER enter the lab. JAMIE rushing to the DOCTOR's side. ISOBEL asks Jimmy TURNER what he's looking so afraid about.) ISOBEL: What is it? What's happening? TURNER: It's the Cybermen. We've just seen hundreds coming out of the sewers. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. LONDON (Manhole covers all over London are thrown into the air like paper plates in the wind, and Cybermen emerge from beneath them. Nowhere is sacred from their march. A squadron slowly walks down the steps of Saint Paul's Cathedral, claiming it and the planet for their own...)
Plan: A: Captain Turner; Q: Who rescued Jamie and the others? A: a way; Q: What does the Doctor begin working on to protect everyone from the Cybermen's hypno-sound signal? Summary: Captain Turner manages to rescue Jamie and the others, while the Doctor begins working on a way to protect everyone from the Cybermen's hypno-sound signal.
Originally written by Betsy Bornes Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal] JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat? CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years. [Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.] CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put. JOEY: Yeah, so. CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush? JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain. CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere. JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap? CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning. JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.] CHANDLER: Hey. MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey. JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion? JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch. PHOEBE: Ahh. RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are. PHOEBE: Okey-doke. MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos. CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos? RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him. JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get? PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily. CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch? JOEY: So where you gettin' it? PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters] ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder? PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo. ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi. RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool? ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me? MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute. CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh? MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there. JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two? MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke. PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them. MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything. ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.' [Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.] ROSS: Alright, shall we? MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up. ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here. MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling. MONICA: Happy birthday dad. MR. GELLER: Oh thank you. ROSS: Hi ma. RICHARD: Happy birthday. MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride? ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us. [Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.] FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in? MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride. FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place] MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom. MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section. MONICA: Are we still on that? MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin. FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts] [Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.] JOEY: Can you believe this place? CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment. JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes. CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously. JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey. JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man. JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it? JOEY: Huh? JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one. JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this? JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen. CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK. [Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.] MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us. FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20. RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything. MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously. ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that. MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends? RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go? MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster. RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that. MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . . ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence. MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche. [Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.] PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily? RACHEL: Well I. . . PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh. TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me. PHOEBE: Here we go. RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh. PHOEBE: You're not going? RACHEL: Uh-huh. PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said? RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe. PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922? RACHEL: What's 1922? PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo? RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . . PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you? RACHEL: No. PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!! RACHEL: You? PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!! [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.] RICHARD: How ya doin'? MONICA: I'm a twinkie. RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero. MONICA: Oh, this is so hard. RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them. MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first. RICHARD: My parents are dead. MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean. RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright. MONICA: Alright. RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you. MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support. [Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.] MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one. MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city? MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon. MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo. MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her. MRS. GELLER: Really. MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy. MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model? MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds. MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop. MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.] JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment. CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it. JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love. CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while. JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it. CHANDLER: What? JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore. CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware. JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie. CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it. JOEY: Well that's how I feel. CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it. JOEY: Well then maybe I will. CHANDLER: Fine with me. JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons. [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.] MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen? MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake. ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK? MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad? ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show. ROSS: Eww. [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.] MONICA: Hey there. RICHARD: What? MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you. RICHARD: Humm, really? [Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter] MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he? RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of. MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call? RICHARD: That - that's an idea. MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone. MRS. GELLER: Oh? RICHARD: Oh? ROSS: Ohh. MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone? ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal? MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man? MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor. MRS. GELLER: A real doctor? MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard] MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I MONICA: Mom, it's OK. RICHARD: It is Judy. MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW! MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it. ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat] MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item. MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city. MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie. MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie? RICHARD: She's not a twinkie. MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . . MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship. MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man. RICHARD: Really? MONICA: Yes. MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday? MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier. MR. GELLER: When did I say that? MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom. [Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.] PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it. RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours. PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again. RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours. PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went. RACHEL: You didn't get it? PHOEBE: No. RACHEL: Why didn't you get it? PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea. PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles? RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . . CHANDLER: Yeah me too. JOEY: I know. Yeah. CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . . JOEY: No, we're alright. CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons] JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great. CHANDLER: Lick away my man. JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones. CHANDLER: What? JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment. CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place? JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about. CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight. JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever. CHANDLER: Well, there you go. JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry. CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there. JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table? CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it. JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half. CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it. JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass. CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.] MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them? RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running. [Rachel and Phoebe enter] RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see. RACHEL: Is Ross here? MONICA: No he went out to get pizza. RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo] MONICA: That's great. RICHARD: Very tasteful. PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine? MONICA: Yes. RACHEL: What? You didn't get one. PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder] RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle? PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo. RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it. PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven. RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns] ROSS: You got a tattoo? RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world. ROSS: Lemme see. [looks] RACHEL: Well? ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow. RACHEL: Really? ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff? RACHEL: I guess. ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel's room] [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.] JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it. CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores] JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine. CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves] [Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.] JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right? CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here. PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you. MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore. RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra? JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street. CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember. ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck. [Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.] CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table? JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice. CHANDLER: Thanks. JOEY: So, I guess this is it. CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so. [Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.] JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. CHANDLER: Yeah. [Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.] CLOSING CREDITS
Plan: A: a steady income; Q: What does Joey have that makes him want to move out? A: Joey; Q: Who moves out of the house? A: his own apartment; Q: What does Joey think he should have now that he has a steady income? A: Monica; Q: Who struggles to tell her parents that she is seeing Richard? A: Rachel; Q: Who gets a tattoo despite Ross's dislike of them? A: Phoebe; Q: Who chickens out at the last minute? A: a tiny blue dot; Q: What does Phoebe get for a tattoo? A: hers; Q: What tattoo does Rachel get despite Ross' claim he dislikes them? A: Ross; Q: Who claims he dislikes tattoos? Summary: Now that he has a steady income, Joey thinks he should have his own apartment and moves out. Monica struggles to tell her parents that she is seeing Richard. Rachel and Phoebe want to get tattoos. Phoebe chickens out at the last minute, resulting in nothing more than a tiny blue dot, while Rachel gets hers despite Ross' claim he dislikes them.
Scene 1: Hotel Carmilla/Bon Temps - Sookie, Eric, Jason, driver, man, woman Sookie walks in the corridor. She enters in Eric's room. He's crying. Sookie: Eric. Eric: Godric is gone. Sookie: I know. I'm so sorry. They kiss. He bites her. Suddenly Sookie wakes up; it was just a dream. Sookie is in a car. Jason: What are you dreaming about? Sookie: Bill. Jason: This kind of reminds me that bus ride back from All-State. Nothing looks exactly the way I left it. Know what I mean? Sookie: I've never been away before. Seems like something's different to me tough. Jason: Yeah. (Looking outside) What the hell? Look at this guy. Man outside to a woman: Let go! The two people fall on the car. Driver: They just ran in front of me. Jason, Sookie and the driver go to check on them. Sookie: Are you all right? They have black eyes. Jason: What the hell's wrong with your eyes? Man: Let's go. Jason: Wait, wait, where you going? Woman: We gotta find Sam! Man: It's almost time, man. They leave Credit Scene 2: Sookie's house - Eggs, Maryann, Carl Maryann and Eggs decorate a tree. Maryann: What do you think? Eggs: I think you've outdone yourself. Carl arrives with a dead bird. Maryann: Feathers. Perfection. I'm thinking more meat. Carl: Five more pounds of ground chuck? Maryann: Think about who this is for. Let's aim higher. Carl: Corn-fed Kobe it is. Maryann: You're finally getting it, Karl. I want the two of you to bring me the most expensive meat. Organs, kidneys, livers, anything you can find. Eggs (he has black eyes): You want us to go kill something so it's extra fresh? Maryann: No, don't worry. I have other people bringing us something living to sacrifice. Scene 3: Andy's hotel room - Sam, Andy, Arlene Sam is hiding in the room when someone comes in; it's Andy. Sam: Any sign of anybody outside? Andy: No. No bug-eyes here. Just a hangover. Sam: Thanks for going over there. Andy: Station was totally empty. Cells were all wide open. They think I'm a bad cop. You should see the square. Looks like New York City or something. People banging their heads on posts. Graffiti everywhere. People pissing all over the sidewalk. This whole town's going down the crapper. Sam: Yeah, trust me, I know. Sam changes his clothes. Sam: I got no idea how we're going to deal with a goddamn maenad. Andy: A mae-what? Sam: Wait, you don't remember any of what I told you last night, before you passed out and spent the whole f*cking day in bed, sleeping off your bender? Andy: You said... Maryann Forrester was to blame for all of this. The bug-eyes and the craziness. Sam: Yeah, and the people showing up dead with their hearts cut out. In the back seat of your car? Andy: She did that? Sam: Yeah. She killed Daphne too. Andy: f*ck me. We got another serial killer. Sam: Listen. She is a supernatural creature. She is immortal. She has powers. And she's not leaving till she gets what she wants, which I think is me. Andy: What's she want you for? Sam: I think to cut my heart out while a bunch of naked people watch, all for... Dionysus or Satan, or some God who has horns. Andy: People thought I was crazy because I thought I saw a pig. Sam: Well, you did see a pig. And you were right. That pig was a part of all this. That pig was... doing some of Maryann's dirty work for her. Andy: Well, if what you say is true, we need to kill that bitch. Sam: She don't die, remember? The phone rings. Sam: Hey Arlene. Arlene (on the phone): Sam, you gotta come to Merlotte's. Sam: Calm down. Tell me what's wrong. Arlene: There's a mob. They've got Terry and they are coming for me next. Sam: Arlene, I've already seen you all caught up in Maryann's weirdness. Arlene: Oh, Jesus, I know, but she's after us now, and she's crazy. I mean, she is Hannibal Lecter crazy! And I'm scared she's gonna get my kids! And nobody's even picking up the phone at the sheriff's office. Sam: All right. All right, I'll be right there. She hang up. Scene 4: Bill's house - Jason, Sookie, driver, Bill, Maxine, Hoyt, Jessica Jason (on the phone): This is Jason Stackhouse. Just want to let y'all know a couple of folks got hit by a car up on the square. But they... they ran off. Sookie: Ask them what the heck's going on all over town. Jason (on the phone): And if somebody could call me back and tell me if we've been attacked by terrorists or what. (To Sookie) f*cking answering machine at the sheriff's office. Sookie: Bill. There's something seriously wrong going on in Bon Temps. I can feel it. Maxine (going out of the bathroom): Well, if it ain't the vamper and his vamper lover. Jason: There's those f*cking eyes again. Hoyt: Mother, come back here. Jessica: Oh, thank God you're home. She's gone, like, totally batshit. Bill: What the devil...? Jessica: I had nothing to do with it, I swear! Hoyt: At first I thought maybe it was just a bad reaction to her new diet pills... Maxine: Get out of my way. Hoyt: ... but then we saw practically the whole town's got these eyes. Bill: How long has she been like this? Jessica: Since last night. Maxine: And I will be, for as long as it takes for him to get his offering. Jason: That sounds f*cking fucked-up. Hoyt: She's been on about Sam Merlotte and how they're gonna offer him to God. Maxine: Why don't you offer yourself up to me, Jason Stackhouse. You... dirty... little... monkey. Hoyt: Mama! Bill: Does she ever calm down? Hoyt: Playing Wii gets her to focus. But I wouldn't call it calm. Maxine now plays at the Wii. Maxine: I'm gonna crack open our f*cking skull, bitch! Bill: So she says God is coming? Hoyt: Yes sir, and that everybody's waiting at Merlotte's so they can catch Sam and they can take him over to Maryann's. Sookie: Maryann's? Where's that? Hoyt: Well, it's your house. Sookie: What? Maxine: They're gonna rip that boy open and serve him up like barbecue! Sookie: Hoyt, has anyone been attacked by something with claws? Hoyt: Well, I heard Arlene say that that poor woman you found in Andy's car had her back scratched up pretty bad. And then I also heard somebody say that Daphne had some kind of weird scar on her back. Sookie: The new waitress at Merlotte's? Jason: There's a new waitress at Merlotte's? Bill: We should talk to her. Hoyt: She's dead. She had her heart cut out just like the other one. Sookie: Fudge! Jason: I'm going to Merlotte's and find out what the hell is happening on my turf. Bill: Jason, if this is the same creature we think it might be, you do not want to go anywhere near it, trust me. Jason: Mr. Compton, I ain't about to sit back and let monsters destroy my town. Sookie: Jason, this would be one of those times to use your head. Jason: Oh, I am. I ain't never been so clear in my whole life. This here is the war I've been training for. Sookie: Jason! Bill: He can take care of himself. We've seen that. Sookie: Be careful, you hear? Drive straight up to Merlotte's, get inside as fast as you can, and do not go into the woods by yourself. Jason: I won't. Sookie: I mean it. Jason: I know. Come here. Jason leaves. Sookie: And where is Tara? Hoyt: She's been partying pretty hard over at Mary... it's just something that people say. "Party over at Maryann's." Sookie: I gotta get over there. Bill: After you. Sookie and Bill leave. Hoyt: Should I have gone with them? Jessica: And leave me alone here with her? No f*cking way. Scene 5: Merlotte's - Sam, Andy, Arlene, Terry, Jane, people Sam and Andy arrive at Merlotte's; it's empty. Sam: Arlene? You here? Andy: Empty. Like the sheriff's office. Sam: No, there's people here. I can smell them. Arlene? Arlene: Sam? Ph thank you, Sam, for coming so fast. I know how much punctuality means to you. Sam: Are you all right? Arlene: I am now. Because soon he'll be getting what's his. People come all around Sam and Andy. Sam: sh1t. Andy: Not this sh1t again. They all have black eyes. Arlene (to Terry): At least shoot the cheap liquor! Bottom shelf, bottom shelf! Terry: We call this move "stress inoculation." f*ck. Sam (to Andy): Come on. Back door. Arlene: They're getting away! Terry: Go get him! Sam: Follow me! A man: I'll get you, Sam Merlotte! Sam: Hard! Another man: Cut his feet off! Andy: Freaks! A woman: m*therf*cker! Sam (to Andy): In here! In here! Andy and Sam go in the big refrigerator. Sam: Damn it, this door don't lock from the inside! Andy: I can't hold it! Sam locks it with something. Sam: Here. Okay, that'll do it. Terry: Hold up a second. We have our EPW right where we want him. And there ain't no place for him to go. Jane: And what does that mean? Terry: It means we have secured the target. Mission accomplished! Bodenhouse. Go call Maryann and tell her she can come pick him up. Andy (to Sam): We are f*cked. Sam: We're still alive. Andy: For now. What are we gonna do? Are we gonna have to kill them all? Sam: Even if we could, these are our friends and neighbors. Andy: And cousins. Sam: Right. We can't kill them. Andy: We are f*cked. Sam: Yes, we are. Man on the phone: Hello. Jane (on the phone): Hi. Peanut? Man: You sound nice. Scene 6: Lafayette's house - Lafayette, Tara, Letti Mae Tara: It burns where I'm tied up. It burns like fire, Mama. Letti Mae: Tying her up's not making her better. Lafayette: I done told you, it's for her own good. Ours too. Letti Mae: Tara, Tara, baby. Tell your mama what you need. Tara has black eyes. Lafayette: Tara, you strong than whatever this is and you know it. Now, get the f*ck up out of there! Letti Mae: If only Miss Jeanette were still alive. Lafayette: She don't need no damn backwoods witch. She need Thorazine and a padded cell. Letti Mae: "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your iniquities." Lafayette: "Who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction. Hallelujah, God." Jesus and I agreed to see other people. But that don't mean we don't still don't talk from time to time. Lafayette: You've been good to my Tara. If I hadn't left such a hole in this girl, maybe whatever's in there wouldn't have crawled in. Lafayette: I kicked her out on her birthday. I was feeling all poor, pitiful me because of the sh1t I had brought on myself. If I wasn't acting like a stupid little bitch, I would have seen trouble coming after her a mile away and I would have handled that sh1t. Tara: He's coming. He's on his way. And he's gonna kill us all. Scene 7: Sookie's house - Sookie, Bill, Lafayette, Maryann Sookie and Bill arrive at Sookie's house. Bill: What in God's name...? Sookie: Whatever the hell it is, it reeks. They enter the house. Sookie: Tara? Tara? Hell cell phone rings. Sookie: Lafayette, where is Tara? Lafayette (on the phone): She with me. I need to know when you gonna be back on town. Sookie: I'm here in what used to be my living room. Lafayette: Sook, you gonna have to get up out that house now. Sookie: Is Tara okay? Lafayette: I ain't half as worried about her as I am about you up in that f*cking house. Get out. Run! Sookie: Be right there. She hangs up. Sookie (to Bill): Come on. Maryann: What are you doing in my house? Sookie: This is not your house. Maryann: It is now. Bill: I strongly suggest you remove yourself immediately. Maryann: My, you found yourself quite a specimen. Though I daresay there's nothing stopping him from one day leaving you cold. Sookie: You don't scare me. Bill: Sookie, go now. Bill bites Maryann. Maryann: yes. Ravage me! Ravage me! Sookie: Bill! Bill! What did you do to him? Maryann: What are you? Sookie: None of our business! Bill, let's get out of here. Maryann: That was fun! What are you? Sookie and Bill leave. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 8: Merlotte's - Sam, Andy, Jason, Terry, Arlene, people Andy: Aren't you glad I didn't take your advice and quit drinking? This could save our lives. Sam: And if I'd left this town when I wanted to, nobody'd be in this situation. Andy: Don't beat yourself up, Sam. You've been real good to this town. Even if you're a sometimes-nudist. Sam: What if Terry had shot that guy in the head instead of the shoulder? The people are gonna start dying soon. Andy: People are already dying. Nancy Levoir, Daphne... hell, I never even knew her last name. Sam: Landry. Daphne Landry. If that was even her real name. Andy: I heard y'all was close. I'm real sorry. Sam: Thanks. Andy: When I was growing up I had a nanny. Her name was Annie. Annie the nanny. She used to say to me that... in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man was king. I think she told me that because she thought I was... one of the blind. But you... you got the burden of being the one-eyed man. I envy that. Sam: I have no idea what you're talking about. Andy: I don't either. Jason arrives at Merlotte's. Jane: Sam? Do you know anybody named Peanut Burch? I wish I could remember. I know there's something I was supposed to do. In the diner: A woman (to a man): Harder! Harder! Asshole. Jason: Oh, mama. A man: That's good. Jason: All right! This party's over! Come on! What the hell is wrong with you people? Piece of sh1t! Let's go! A man: Hey, asshole! Jason: Hey, Terry. Arlen: Terry! Jason: Come here. Terry: Ambush! Jason: Okay, stay chill. Nobody needs to get hurt. A woman: Yeah! Nail her! Terry: Wait, stop! Don't hurt my special lady. Arlene: Do it! I need a haircut anyway, baby. Terry: No. Jason: Yeah, I'm gonna do it! Terry: Timeout. Time the f*ck out! All right, Stackhouse. Name your demands. Jason: Okay. Here's how it's gonna be. Y'all go and leave, every last one of you. Leave us alone and then you can have her. Terry: All right. The order is to retreat. Immediately. God damn it! When I give an order, you follow it. Now get on out of here. We will unfuck this situation at a later date. Move it! Fall out! Out! Out! Left, right, left! Come on, then! Double-time. Let's go! All right, Stackhouse. You gonna hand her over. Jason: Keep moving. Move! The faster you move, the quicker you get her. Everybody's out. Jason gives Arlene to Terry. Arlene: My hero. I love it when you get all military like that. Where's your guns? Jason closes the door. Scene 9: In Sookie's car - Sookie, Bill Sookie: Bill? Bill: I'm all right. Sookie: No, you are not all right. None of this is all right. I'm calling Eric. Bill: I will not turn to Eric. Sookie: I gotta get you to Dr. Ludwig! Bill: Sookie, what happened back there? What did you do to her? Sookie: I don't know. I swear. It was Maryann that attacked me in the woods. Even though I don't have a scar, I could feel her there on my back when she was touching me. Bill: I will kill her. Sookie: Good. How? Bill: Tara has been under Maryann's influence. Maybe she can be of some help to us. Give me your wrist si I can heal. Bill feeds from Sookie. Scene 10: Merlotte's - Jason, Sam, Andy, Terry, Mike Jason: Sam, it's Stackhouse. You can come on out. They're gone. Look, I got rid of all them saucer-eyed M*therf*ckers. Andy: Bullshit. Jason: I swear on my gran's grave. They open the refrigerator's door. Jason: Oh, Andy, hey. Andy: Let's see your eyes. Jason: My eyes? Oh. Now get out here. I locked all the doors. Sam: Hey, thanks, Jason. But... I don't think they're gonna let up till they get me. Andy: How the hell did you get them out? Jason: I threatened to shoot a bunch of nails into Arlene's brain. But guys, come here. If we gonna get out of here, we gonna need even a bigger divergence. Terry (who came in Merlotte's): There's Sam Merlotte! Get him! Jason: That ain't exactly what I was talking about, but you work with what you got. Go! Everyone is now back at Merlotte's around Sam, Andy and Jason. Terry: Sam Merlotte. There is no escaping, Sam Merlotte. The God Who Comes always gets what he comes for. And as for you, Jason Stackhouse. Not cool. Jason: There ain't no moral god gonna come nowhere near you people. Mike: And God ain't gonna be happy with you, Jason. I bet he'll eat you. I always wanted to know what human flesh tastes like. Sam: Guys. You guys, you gotta save yourselves. Andy: We'll get you out of here, Sam. Sam: Then what? She's not gonna let up. Ever. No, I'm ending this. Andy: No f*cking way! Sam: Maybe this'll all stop with me. Sam goes to the people and they take him. Andy: No! Scene 11: Lafayette's house - Tara, Lafayette, Letti Mae, Sookie, Bill, a girl Lafayette: Tara. Tara, would you snap the f*ck out of it! He slaps her. Letti Mae: Lafayette! Lafayette: This has got to be the worst motherfucking intervention in history. Someone knocks at the door. Lafayette: Oh, thank God. Sook. Lafayette opens the door; it's a girl. Girl: Hey. How's it going? Lafayette: Never been better in my whole goddamn life. Come back later. Girl: There's no such thing as later during finals week. Calc so blows. Lafayette: Excuse me. Excuse me. I ain't selling tonight, Cream Cheese. Okay? Girl: Come on, I'll pay extra. Lafayette: You ain't hearing me. Girl: Well, I ain't leaving till I get the V. Bill arrives and grabs the girl. Bill: Oh, you are leaving. She leaves running. Lafayette: Slow your row. It ain't even me. Talk to your boy, Eric. He the one got me pushing the sh1t. Sookie (arriving): Where is she? Lafayette: You can come on in. Sookie: Tara. What's happened to you? Tara: Get me the f*ck out, you c**t, or I will kill you. Lafayette: We are loosing her, Sook. Sookie: It's all... dark. Nithing. Letti Mae: You see into her head? Tara: Stop trying to rape my brain. Sookie: I can't see or hear anything. It's not her. It's... she's gone. Lafayette: Don't say that Sook. She in there. Just... just keep trying. Sookie: I know, but what am I supposed to do? Bill: You have to go further into her mind than you ever have before. Sookie puts her hands on Tara. Tara: You try and kill yourself? I don't blame you, with your fucked-up life. Sookie sees the orgies. Sookie: There's something I can't... I can't cross. An abyss. Bill: I will glamour her. Letti Mae: What? Bill: It may help. Sookie: I don't want to hurt her. Bill: If we leave her like this, who knows what harm may come to her. Or us. Bill: Tara. You can feel my influence, can't you, Tara? Don't fight it. Let me in, Tara. Let me in. Scene 11: Merlotte's - Arlene, Jason, Sam, Andy, Terry They are all outside Merlotte's. Sam is attached on the top of a car. Arlene: Thank you, Sam. Thank you for giving us all this gift so that he can come into the world. A voice: Silence! It is me, the God Who Comes. (We see Jason as a God) I have come, and now I am here. Mike: You're the God Who Comes? Andy (to Jason): Horns. You need horns. Jason: Well, go get them. (To everyone) Sam Merlotte, you are my offering! People, your work here is done. Go home. Jane: Really? Jason: Oh, yes. He is the best offering ever. You will all have... great weather and... good crops. Now leave. Terry: Bullshit. God has horns. Andy puts branches behind Jason's head. People see them as hornes. A man: Is that really god? Sam: Lord. Lord. Smite me. Jason (to Andy): What's he saying? I can't hear. Andy: I don't know. Sam: Smite me, Lord. Jason (to Sam): I don't even know what you saying, man. Sam: Smite me, m*therf*cker. Jason: I smite thee, Sam Merlotte! Die! Sam disappears. Andy: What the f*ck just happened? Jason (to Andy): I got no f*cking idea. Jason: There. Happy? Terry: Well? Yeah. Jason: Tell your leader I am very pleased with my offering. Jane: Thank you, God. Jason: You are welcome. You're all blessed. Now go. Terry: Squad. Report to Maryann for debriefing. Jane: Anybody who wants to de-brief me can do so right now. They all leave. There's only Jason and Andy left. Andy: What the hell happened to Sam? Andy: I don't know, man. I don't know. Sam appears. Sam: I'll explain later. Just help me put these f*cking flares out before they start a fire. Andy: That's the last drink I will ever take. Scene 12: Lafayette's house - Bill, Tara, Sookie, Lafayette, Letti Mae Bill: Tara, let Sookie in. Sookie: It's not working. Bill: Tara, you are safe here. You have to do exactly as I say. Tara: I am not your f*cking slave girl. Lafayette: If ever there was a time to listen to a white-man Tara, this would be it. Letti Mae: Jesus, please, Jesus. Bill: Let Sookie in. Sookie, now. Sookie sees the orgies and other scenes. Tara's eyes become normal again. Tara: Oh, my God. I'm crazy. I'm really crazy. Sookie: No. No, it wasn't you. It's not you. Tara: Mama! I'm sorr... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mama. Letti Mae: I knew it wasn't you, baby girl. I knew it wasn't you. (To Sookie) Thank you. Sookie: I need some air. Sookie and Bill go out. Tara: Eggs. I gotta go get Eggs. Lafayette: No. Sookie: I've known Tara my whole life, and every trace of her was gone. Replaced. And I thought vampires were the only ones who could hypnotize people. Bill: No offense, Sookie, but humans are shockingly susceptible to about every form of thought manipulation. Sookie: It's all coming from Maryann. All of it. They eat people's hearts. But she wants more. She wants their souls. And that chant. Bill: Chant? Sookie tells the chant. Bill: Bacchus. Sookie: Bill. I've seen that look on your face before and I don't like it. Bill: I read about some ancient creatures many years ago. But I always assumed it was just a myth. But I believe Maryann might be one. Sookie: What is she, and more importantly, how do we kill her? Bill: I do not know how to defeat her, but I know one vampire who might. Might. But if I'm gonna make it by daylight, I must leave now. Sookie: Let's go. Bill: I must do this alone. But I'll be back by morning. And Jason and Sam, Tara and Lafayette... you can do more good for them here. Sookie: You're right. I left everybody before and look what happened. Bill: Can you do... whatever it was that you did to Maryann...? You do that again? Sookie: I don't know. I don't even know what it was that I did. Bill: All right. You keep your friends safe, and by all means, you stay away from your home. Promise me. Sookie: Promise. Bill leaves. Scene 13: Bill's house - Maxine, Hoyt, Jessica Maxine: But I never get to go to the party! You know how many invitations I've passed up to stay home with my crybaby son? Hoyt: No, you always go, and you always drag me along with you. Maxine: Oh, you selfish little sh1t. Hoyt: You can spew as much venom as you want, mama. I'm not letting you get anywhere near Merlotte's. Maxine: You could come with me, maybe meet a nice girl instead of that devil slut. Jessica: I'm getting tired of this sh1t. Hoyt: Treat Jess with respect, or I'm gonna lock your ass up in that cubbyhole until Vampire Bill get home. Maxine: Oh, you're Dirty Harry now, huh? Because you're dipping your penguin dick in that vamper tramp? You are cut from the same cloth as your daddy. You are both half-men. Jessica: Miss Fortenberry... Hoyt (to Jessica): Just calm down. Maxine: A half-man and a dead whore. Who else would have either of you? Hoyt: Jess, don't. Jessica: Look, lady. You have no idea how little control I have over my actions. You also don't know that I haven't eaten in days. Hoyt: Seriously? Wait. Jessica: You give me one good reason why I shouldn't drain you dry. Maxine: I don't gotta give you nothing. Jessica bites Maxine. Hoyt: f*ck, no! Scene 14: The queen's place - Bill, security man, the queen Security man: Welcome, Mr. Compton. The queen is expecting you. Bill enters in the house. Bill: Your Majesty.
Plan: A: Eric; Q: Who does Sookie become intimate with in her dream? A: Godric; Q: What does Eric lose? A: drunk Eric's blood; Q: What did Sookie do to cause her dream? A: Bill; Q: Who tries to bite Maryann but finds her blood toxic? A: Jason; Q: Who pretends to be the God Who Comes? A: the town; Q: What is in chaos when Sookie, Bill and Jason return to Bon Temps? A: Bill's house; Q: Where do Sookie, Bill and Jason find Hoyt and Jessica tending to Maxine? A: Maryann's power; Q: What is Maxine under the effects of? A: Andy Bellefleur; Q: Who is Sam hiding out with? A: the townsfolk; Q: Who traps Arlene and Sam in the walk-in fridge? A: power tools; Q: What does Jason arrive at Merlotte's with? A: all the citizens; Q: Who did Jason convince to leave Merlotte's? A: a nail-gun; Q: What weapon does Jason threaten to use on Arlene? A: his deception; Q: What do the townsfolk recognize about Jason? A: a gas mask; Q: What does Jason wear to pretend to be the God Who Comes? A: a tree branch; Q: What does Andy hold up to give Jason the appearance of horns? A: the woods; Q: Where did Sookie learn that Maryann attacked her? A: her hand; Q: What part of Sookie's body does a burst of light shine from? A: light; Q: What does Sookie's hand shine from when she tries to push Maryann away? A: Maryanne; Q: Who is the vampire who attacked Sookie? A: the spell; Q: What does Sookie and Bill break over Tara? A: her desire; Q: What does Tara express to Sookie about going to rescue Eggs? A: her family; Q: Who prevents Tara from leaving Lafayette to rescue Eggs? A: Maenads; Q: What group of vampires worshipped Dionysus? A: Dionysus; Q: What god did Bill read about in the book? A: a bloody foot; Q: What does Bill find dangling from the throne of the vampire Queen of Louisiana? A: Jessica's anger; Q: What causes Jessica to feed on Maxine? Summary: Sookie consoles Eric for the loss of Godric, which leads to the two becoming intimate. This turns out to be a dream which is the result of her having drunk Eric's blood. Sookie, Bill and Jason return to Bon Temps to find the town in chaos. They return to Bill's house to find Hoyt and Jessica tending to Maxine, who is under the effects of Maryann's power. Sam is hiding out with Andy Bellefleur, but he is tricked into coming to Merlotte's via a desperate call from Arlene. Once there, the townsfolk trap both of them in the walk-in fridge. Jason arrives at Merlotte's armed with power tools. He convinces all the citizens to leave by threatening to take Arlene hostage and shoot a nail-gun into her head. Jason goes to help Sam, but the townsfolk quickly recognize his deception and return to try to recapture Sam. Jason, wearing a gas mask, pretends to be the God Who Comes, while Andy holds up a tree branch to give him the appearance that he has horns. He pretends to smite Sam (who turns into a fly - seemingly vanishing). This seems to satisfy everyone and they all leave Merlotte's. Sam re-appears, and Jason and Andy are stunned at what happened. Meanwhile, Bill and Sookie go to Sookie's house to find Maryann, who attacks Sookie. Sookie learns that Maryann is the creature who attacked her in the woods. Bill attempts to bite Maryann but finds her blood is toxic to him. Maryann seems intrigued with Sookie, who puts her hand up to push Maryann away, and finds that a burst of light shines from her hand, knocking Maryann backwards. Sookie and Bill flee while Maryann gleefully ponders what Sookie is. They go to Lafayette's and see Tara is still under Maryanne's spell. Together, Bill and Sookie use a combination of his glamor and her telepathy to break the spell over Tara. Tara expresses her desire to go rescue Eggs, but her family prevents her from leaving. Bill recalls reading about Maenads and their worshipping of the god Dionysus many years ago and understands that Maryann is one. He goes to seek the vampire Queen of Louisiana, the one person who might know how to destroy Maryann, but when he arrives he finds a bloody foot dangling from the throne. Meanwhile, Maxine continues to insult both Jessica and Hoyt until Jessica's anger gets the better of her and she begins to feed on Maxine.
[Mystic Falls High School] (Elena, Bonnie, Caroline and Matt arrive at school) Caroline: Elena, you're here. Hey, I got valedictorian. You can help me write my speech Elena: Pass Caroline: Oh, come on. We're graduating this year. This is it. We're gonna have to soak up every second before... Elena: Wait. Something is not right. I don't want to be here Damon: What is wrong with you? Don't you want to be with your friends, graduation parties, caps, gowns? You know the drill Elena: What is this? We're not really here, are we? We're in my head Damon: Relax. I just want to show you all the things you've been missing out on since you took the giant leap over the cuckoo's nest Elena: Last thing I remember... Damon: Let me guess. Prom... Beautiful dress, gorgeous hair, you trying to murder Bonnie. It's a good thing I was there to take care of you Elena: You starved me, you and Stefan Damon: Yeah. Well, we had to keep you weak so I could bring you here. See, the way I figure it is, if I can make you nostalgic, then you're already halfway to getting your humanity back Elena: It's not gonna work, Damon Damon: Well, there are other ways to provoke an emotional response [Salvatore's House] Stefan: You still have her locked in the safe? You've been in her head for an hour. What, still nothing? Damon: How you doing in there? Come on. Is the old you ready to come out and play? Elena: Go to hell Damon: Ok. Back you go. We can do this the nice way, or we can do it the other way, but either way, we're not stopping until you turn your humanity switch back on. So I'm gonna let you think about that, and I'm gonna come back for you in a couple hours or a couple years because all we have is time (Caroline enters. Stefan's with her) Caroline: Where is she? I want to see her Stefan: We're not letting anyone see her. That's the whole point. Isolation leads to misery, leads to emotion Caroline: She's been here for days. She hasn't improved at all? Stefan: Look. She doesn't want to, Caroline, not yet, all right? She's devastated. She lost her brother. She attacked her friends. She killed an innocent woman Caroline: You said that you knew to help her Stefan: I did say that. We are Caroline: How, by torturing her? Stefan: It's not torture. It's an intervention. The only chance we have with her is to provoke her, to trigger something... Fear, anger, self-pity, anything Caroline: Let me talk to her before any more interventioning. If she's weak, she can't hurt me. Please just let me try (Stefan leads Caroline to the cell) Stefan: Good luck (He leaves and Caroline enters) Caroline: I brought you something (She shows her a vial of blood) Caroline: It doesn't have any vervain in it, I swear. I just figured a little blood might help you think straight. For the record, I don't agree with what they're doing. I mean, I agree that you need to turn your humanity back on, but I don't think that making you suffer is the way to do it. That's not who you are Elena: What makes you such an expert on who I am? Caroline: Because we've been friends forever Elena: I tried to kill you, Caroline. I'm not exactly BFF material anymore. You should move on Caroline: I am not going to give up on you Elena: This annoying, clingy thing that you're doing, did it ever occur to you maybe that's why both your boyfriends skipped town? I mean, I know that Tyler said he was running for his life. Maybe he was running from you. And Klaus... I mean, let's just say it. Nobody likes a tease. Hey, I'm not judging. Might be nice to have a bad boy ruffle those perfect feathers Caroline: You're in pain. You're lashing out. I get it, but you can't stay this way forever. We're about to graduate and start new lives, and you deserve... Elena: Are you seriously talking about High-School graduation? Caroline, do you realize how pathetic you're gonna look in that cap and gown pretending to be human while your mom fake-smiles and just counts down the minutes until you leave town so that you can stop being a reminder that her daughter is a repulsive, blood sucking, control freak monster? It's really too bad Stefan stopped me before I put you out of your misery, but, hey, here's to second chances (She attacks Caroline) Caroline: Elena? (She breaks her neck. Stefan enters) Caroline: Do whatever you have to do. I'm gonna be upstairs [Mystic Grill] (Rebekah is at the bar. Matt rejoins her) Rebekah: I was wondering if you were gonna say hello or keep ignoring me Matt: I was working. I see you compelled the bartenders again Rebekah: My brothers and I have parted company. Elijah and Nik have run off to New Orleans chasing God knows what, and I am finally free Matt: Yeah. I heard about that Rebekah: Did you hear that I lost the cure to Silas? I was this close to the life that I always wanted, and then, poof, gone in a heartbeat Matt: I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted it Rebekah: Please. I know you were planning on stealing it for Elena. I never had a chance, did I? Matt: I meant what I said, but if you want to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead Rebekah: Why don't you stay and have a drink? Matt: I can't. I've got to go meet Caroline Rebekah: Are they still keeping Elena trapped in the Salvatore mansion? I happen to like her just the way she is. It's tragic that they're trying so desperately to fix something that isn't broken Matt: Elena was my friend long before she was your mean-girl sidekick. So if you're upset that you lost the cure and your brothers ditched you, why are you still in Mystic Falls? Some of us don't have the option of leaving. Some of us are broke and failing all of our classes and stuck here. So why don't you take your freedom and get the hell out of town? I would [Salvatore's House] (Caroline is outside, on the phone with Bonnie) Caroline: Bonnie, where have you been? I left you, like, 90 million messages Bonnie: Studying French. We still have final exams, remember? Caroline: Oh, don't remind me. Look. This whole thing with Elena, it's about to get brutal, and I know that she's not your favorite person right now, but I could really use you over here Bonnie: For what, moral support or so you can check up on me? Caroline: Moral support and maybe just a tiny check-in to make sure that Silas isn't playing any more pesky little mind games with you Bonnie: I'm fine, ok? Silas doesn't control me anymore. And I think I'll pass on the invite. Elena tried to kill me. I'm not quite ready to forgive and forget. I'm gonna call you later, ok? I got to go [A restaurant] (Bonnie is sitting at a table. Katherine rejoins her) Katherine: Lying, scheming, and a secret rendezvous with moi? Not very Bonnie Bennett-y, especially when Elena needs her favorite witch Bonnie: This has nothing to do with them. This is between you and me Katherine: All right. Well, luckily for you, I've got some spare time on my hands. You said you have an offer that I can't refuse. Well, by all means. What do you have in mind? [Salvatore's House] (Elena is tied to a chair. Stefan and Damon are looking at her) Damon: Good. You're awake. We thought you could use a little sunshine. Looking for this? Aw. You know the rules. Bad girls don't get nice jewelry Elena: You took my ring. I'm devastated. And bored. Can I go back to solitary now? Damon: No. I kind of like you in the hot seat. Whenever you're ready, brother Elena: Am I supposed to be scared? Stefan: You will be. And when you are, focus on that fear. It's the key to getting your humanity back Elena: You're not gonna burn me Damon: You don't think so? Elena: No. And even if you do manage to get my emotions back, I'll remember all this. And I'll hate both of you for it Damon: Tsk. Worth the risk (Stefan opens the curtain. Elena burns and screams. Stefan closes the curtain) Damon: That feels better, huh? How about a little gratitude or any human emotion whatsoever? And we can stop this. I didn't quite catch that Elena: I said, I'm gonna kill you Damon: Bingo. See? There's a little rage. I should have figured that'd be the first emotion that came out of you. I tend to pull that out of people Stefan: Elena, look at me. We don't want to do this, ok? You can stop this right now. It's your choice Elena: Kind of funny, actually, you being the one to pull back the curtain. I bet part of you enjoys it since, you know, I dumped you and all Damon: Wow. That was downright vindictive. See? I think now we're breaking through that tough candy shell and getting into the ooey-gooey rich center of your humanity. This is good. I think we should shine some light on the subject Elena: Let me guess... This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me Stefan: Look, I know what you're going through. After all you've done, you're afraid to face the guilt you'll feel if you turned your emotions back on. The only way we can help you is to make the alternative hurt even worse (He reopens the curtain. She screams) (Caroline is outside with Matt) Caroline: Oh, we have to keep talking. If we don't keep talking, then I won't be able to stop myself from listening in. And I can't stand to hear Elena in pain Matt: What do you want to talk about? Caroline: I don't know. Anything. I ordered you a cap and gown Matt: You did? Caroline: I just figured that you'd forget, so I ordered yours when I ordered mine. And I got one for Elena, too Matt: It's gonna work. We're gonna get Elena back (Caroline sees Rebekah inside) Caroline: What the hell is she doing here? (They enter. Rebekah has brought lunch) Rebekah: I don't mean to interfere. It's just I happen to know all they keep in this house is blood and booze. So I brought a peace offering. Burgers? Matt: Thanks Caroline: Yeah, we can't really entertain right now, but thanks for stopping by Rebekah: I think I might stay. Matt mentioned that he was failing classes and needed a study buddy Caroline: You're failing? Well, why didn't you ask me to help you study? Matt: Well, I didn't exactly ask her Caroline: Well, what classes are you failing? Matt: I'm not failing. I'm just really, really behind. History and Italian and math Caroline: Matt! Matt: This year's been a little distracting Rebekah: We could both help. "All hands on deck." That's the motto around here, right? Caroline: We don't have a motto. Look, if you need to study, we're gonna study. I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get my flash cards and my study guides and some energy bars. This is gonna be good (She leaves) Rebekah: You dated that? Matt: She likes projects (Caroline is outside. She feels something) Caroline: Who's there? (She turns herself. It's Klaus) Caroline: Oh my god Klaus: Hello, Caroline [A restaurant] Katherine: Let me get this straight. You want me to hand over Silas' tombstone? What makes you think I even have it? Bonnie: I know you took it from the island. You're a scavenger. You'd never leave it behind Katherine: So you're working for Silas now, huh? Running errands for the big, bad immortal Bonnie: I didn't switch sides. In two days, there'll be a full moon. Silas wants me to harness its power to drop the veil between our side and the other side. He wants to take the cure, and then he wants to die. I said I'd help him, and I've been hiding from him ever since, buying time Katherine: Time for what? Bonnie: You don't need to worry about it. You just need to bring me the tombstone Katherine: It's a hunk of rock. What do you even want with it? Bonnie: The less you know, the better. Silas is psychic. He can get into people's heads, read their minds, make them see things that aren't really there. I'm taking a big enough risk just talking to you Katherine: Ok. Then how do I know that you're not him? Bonnie: You don't. But I'm not Katherine: And what makes you so sure that I'm not him? Bonnie: Because he can't get into my head anymore. Because I am the only one who can see his true face Katherine: What's in it for me? Bonnie: Bring me the tombstone. Help me stop Silas from unleashing hell on earth. Believe me, I'll make it worth your while [Salvatore's House] (Elena is burning and screaming) Damon: You're gonna thank me for this. After you turn it back on, you'll realize life with no emotions blew Elena: You know what else blew? Being sired to you. Going every day believing that I was in love with you. I remember every horrible moment of it. And you... So scared that it wasn't real. Well, guess what. It wasn't. You were right. So go ahead. Keep trying to get the old me back. Who knows? Maybe Stefan and I will give it another go (She frees herself and rushes to the window. she burns and Damon stops the fire. She laughs) Elena: I am the girl that you love. You wouldn't do anything to actually hurt me. You just proved that. So what do I really have to be afraid of? (Stefan and Damon are outside) Stefan: So that went well Damon: Every other vampire turns it on, no problem. You kill. You feed. You do all the awful things that a vampire does. And then when you're done, you turn it back on. Why is she being so stubborn? Stefan: Because she has nothing to come back to. Her home's gone. Her family's gone. She alienated her friends. She destroyed her relationships Damon: No. She wants to come back. Scaring the hell out of her should have worked. She's smart. She knows we're not gonna hurt her Stefan: All right. So we get somebody else, somebody who really will hurt her Damon: Who? Katherine? Stefan: Think about it. She's the reason Jeremy's dead, right? So if anybody's gonna provoke an emotion, it's her Damon: So we call her and then what? Beg her to help us out of the kindness of her own heart? You kidding me? Stefan: Katherine was just abandoned by Elijah. She has nothing. She has no one. We invite her into our house to come torture Elena. There's no way she's gonna turn that down (Caroline and Klaus are in the woods surrounding the Salvatore's House) Caroline: Everyone said that you were gone for good Klaus: That's true. But I never meant to go without saying good-bye Caroline: You don't owe me an explanation. You're moving on. By all means, go Klaus: Well, that's just it, isn't it? I never had any intention of moving on. The truth is, I've tried to stop thinking about you. And I can't. Come to New Orleans. What are you afraid of? Caroline: You! I'm afraid of you! Klaus: Wouldn't it be more accurate to say you're afraid of yourself, your darkest desires? Elena was right, wasn't she? Deep down, you long to have your perfect feathers ruffled Caroline: How do you know what Elena said to me in that cell? (He pushes her against a tree) Klaus/Silas: Then again... There's so much to be afraid of, isn't there, like what I'll do to you if your friend Bonnie doesn't come out of hiding. Where is she? Caroline: Silas Klaus/Silas: Where is she?! She's not at home. She's not anywhere. Bonnie is playing games with me. And I don't like it. Tell her I'm looking for her. Tell her to come out of the shadows. Tell her that this... Is only the beginning (Matt and Rebekah are in the living room) Matt: What time will Caroline return from the train station? Rebekah: Well, that's handy. Sort of a cheat, though, isn't it? Matt: Not everyone's had a thousand years to learn everything about everything Rebekah: I'm not sure how good I am at learning Italian. I was fluent in the 12th century, but languages have a way of evolving Matt: So can you help or not? Rebekah: Of course I can. Don't be cranky. I was just teasing Matt: I'm sorry. I just don't want to get left behind when all my friends go to college and I'm the only repeat senior Rebekah: The only reason that you are failing is because you're preoccupied with training doomed hunters and dealing with Elena's drama. You need better friends, like me. I could compel you good grades, get a scholarship Matt: I don't want to do that Rebekah: Why not? Everyone needs an advantage in life. I could be yours. When you convinced me to save April Young's life at the prom, I realized that I could be a better person. And I'm grateful for that. So let me give you some advice. Take advantage of what I'm offering you. Make something of yourself. For the record, anyone who leaves you behind is a fool. I wouldn't (Katherine enters) Katherine: What a beautiful sentiment Damon: Seriously? You can't knock? Katherine: Sorry. I didn't realize we were standing on formalities Rebekah: What the hell are you doing here? Katherine: You didn't get the memo? I'm here to talk some sense into poor emotionless Elena Matt: Are you out of your mind? Damon: You got a better idea, prom King? Unless you want me to lock you up in there with her, I suggest you shut up and let the adults handle this Rebekah: Well, it looks like the lunatics have taken over the asylum. Where are you going? Matt: I'm calling Caroline. There's no way we're letting that psycho in there with Elena (Matt is calling Caroline. She regains consciousness in the woods. She gets up and she finds Matt) Matt: Caroline! Caroline: Matt! Matt: Where have you been? Caroline: We have to get out of here Matt: No, Caroline. Caroline, wait. It's ok Caroline: No, it's not ok. Silas is out there. And he made me think that he was Klaus... Matt: What are you talking about? What's Silas want with you? Caroline: He's trying to get to Bonnie. Do you know where Bonnie is? Matt: If I knew where she was, I wouldn't bother with you. Now, get me Bonnie, or I'm going to kill someone. Maybe I'll start with your mother (She runs and goes to the house but Silas, pretending to be Klaus, stops her) Klaus: No one in the house can help you. Find Bonnie or I'll kill the person you love the most (She runs to her car and calls her mom) Liz: I know. I promised I wouldn't work too late Caroline: Mom, I need you to get home and lock all the doors right now. Don't let anyone inside, not even me because I have a key, so I can let myself in. Do you understand? Liz: What's going on? Caroline: Just do it, OK? I'm on my way (Katherine gets Elena out of the safe) Katherine: Oh, honey, you look awful Elena: What the hell are you doing here? Katherine: Your boyfriends invited me. They want to know if you still have a heart. There it is. Your bodyguards won't let me kill you, but I can rip your throat out. So I don't have to listen to you whine. But first, satisfy my curiosity. What did you tell Elijah back in Willoughby? Elena: That's why you're here. He dumped you, didn't he? Now you're just looking for a scapegoat Katherine: Tell me what you said to turn him against me or I will feed you your own eyeballs Elena: I didn't have to say anything. Look at you. A self-obsessed egomaniac on the run for 5 centuries. What good would you be to anyone? You're the definition of damaged goods. No wonder Elijah left you Katherine: Yeah, I've done some pretty horrible things to survive. But unlike you, poor, delicate Elena, I don't turn it off. I deal with it. You wouldn't last a week as a vampire without everyone fawning over you. But I'd love to see you try (She leaves) (Katherine is in the library with Damon) Katherine: All that pain and torture of her took quite a thirst Damon: It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that Elena called you out on your recent boy trouble, could it? Sorry. I couldn't help but overhear Katherine: Did you ever think Elena would have been better off if she'd never met you? Damon: You're trying to get a rise out of me? Because my emotions are fine. I love Elena. I despise you Katherine: Mm, so romantic. So doomed to fail. You know, as soon as she goes back to her old self, she'll go straight to Stefan. That's the tragedy of you. You never get the girl (Stefan enters) Stefan: She's gone Damon: What? Stefan: Elena's not in her cell. I'm gonna check the grounds. Find out what she did Katherine: Oops. Did I forget to lock her in? Let's just say I've lost interest in Elena's recovery. I'd rather watch her tear through an orphanage. Imagine trying to come back from a spiral like that (Rebekah and Matt enter) Matt: Elena's gone? What happened? Damon: Donovan, you're coming with me Rebekah: Why should he? Damon: Because Elena's hungry and missing. For once, his life might actually have a purpose [SCENE_BREAK] [Caroline's House] (Caroline enters. She's leaving a voicemail to Bonnie) Caroline: Bonnie, why aren't you answering? Silas isn't going to just give up. You're the only one that can stop him. Call me (Liz is here) Liz: Caroline, what's going on? Caroline: Mom, don't come any closer. Stop Liz: What's wrong? Caroline: I don't know how to tell if it's really you. What if this is another trick? He can get in my head and he would have known that I called you Liz: Ok, Caroline. It's me. It's your mother. I don't know what's happening, but everything's going to be ok. All right? You just need to talk to me (Caroline calls her) Liz: Hi. How's it going? Caroline: Oh, good [The Woods] (Elena is walking a car arrives) Elena: Please help me (Matt gets out) Elena: Matt. Thank God you found me Matt: Elena, stop. I know you don't want to do this. I know you don't want to hurt me Elena: I'm a vampire, Matt. The thing about vampires is that we need to feed Matt: No, but you're more than that. You're my friend. You're my oldest friend. You're my friend. You're my oldest friend. You're the girl that I've loved longer that I can remember. Whatever wall you want to put up, I know that still means something to you Elena: Deep down... It probably does mean something... But I am really hungry [Caroline's House] (Caroline and Liz are in the living room) Caroline: Bonnie hasn't called back yet. I just don't understand why she hasn't called (She hears the door and goes see who it is. It's Bonnie) Bonnie: What's going on? Are you all right? Caroline: I've been calling you for hours Bonnie: Sorry. I came as soon as I got the message. Caroline, let me in. Let me help Caroline: How do I know it's you? Silas keeps getting in my head, attacking me. He says he wants to know where you are. He threatened my mother Liz: Caroline? Caroline: Mom, just stay there Bonnie: Caroline, that is not your mother Caroline: What's going on? Oh, my God (It's not Liz, it's Silas) Silas: Did you really think you could hide from me, Bonnie? Bonnie: I'm here now. What did you do to her mother? Silas: She's right where you left her (Caroline goes in the living room. Liz is lying on the ground, unconscious) Caroline: Mom? Mom! Ohh... Silas: I thought you and I were on the same side Bonnie: We are. The full moon isn't for two more days. I've been gathering my strength, preparing myself Silas: You're the only one who can do this spell. So I can't hurt you. But I can hurt the people you love. You do understand that, right? Bonnie: I understand. I will do your spell. I will drop the veil. And I will help you die. I promise Just don't hurt my friends Silas: Your promise is binding, Bonnie. If you break it, you have to answer to me Bonnie: I won't break it Silas: Then you should leave this house right now. And the next time I come looking for you, I expect you to be waiting (She leaves with him) [The Woods] (Matt is lying on the ground) Elena: Oh, come on. I barely drained an artery. Come on. Get up. I'm hungry. And my head's fuzzy. I can't think straight. I need more Matt: Elena, stop Elena: But you're so good (Stefan and Damon intervene) Stefan: Hey, hey. You're cut off Elena: Let go of me Damon: Stop it. Enough. You are acting like a little spoiled brat. You know that? You think that we can't punish you. Maybe not. But I can sure punish him Matt: Elena... Elena: Seriously? You think this is... Damon: Shut up. I'm done playing nice. Turn your emotions back on right now, Elena, or so help me, God, I will give you something to be sad about. I will kill him right here in front of you Stefan: Damon Damon: Don't "Damon" me. If she doesn't love anyone, fine. Prove it. And if I'm wrong, what difference does it make? One less bus boy Matt: Elena.... Elena: You're bluffing Damon: How about now? (He kills Matt. Elena is chocked and has tears in her eyes) Damon: You feel anything now? You angry I just turned your buddy into road kill? Or are you sad that the guy that everybody loves is just a bag of bones? Remember when he was a little kid, huh? Warm heart, big, goofy smile, his whole life ahead of him. I guess it was a good idea that he was wearing this (He shows him the Gilbert ring) Elena: Oh, God, Matt Damon: You feeling that weight lifting off your chest? That's joy. Because your friend isn't dead. That's emotion, Elena. That's humanity (She's still crying) Damon: You're gonna be ok Elena: No Damon: Look at me Elena: No. No. No. It's not ok Damon: Elena Elena: What I've done? Damon: Hey Elena: No, no. What did I do? I almost killed him. Matt. I almost... and then Bonnie and Caroline. I just... no, no. I mean, the woman, the waitress. I actually killed that waitress. No! I killed... That waitress Stefan: Hey. Elena. Hey. Hey. Look at me. Look at me. I know this stage, ok? The emotions are overwhelming you. You just have to focus on one thing, ok? Elena: No, I can't. I can't Stefan: You just find that one thing inside of you that makes you strong. It's in there. Just latch on to it. Channel everything you're feeling into that one emotion. Find the thing inside of you that makes you want to live. Elena, let it in. Let it in. That's good. That's it. That's it. Just breathe it in. Blow everything else out. That's good. That's good. You ok? Elena: No. I'm not okay but I'll get better [Caroline's House] Caroline: Come on. This will work (She takes a syringe and injects her blood in her mother's chest) Caroline: Mom? Open your eyes. Come on. Wake up. You have to wake up. You have to see me graduate. I swear I'll get... I swear I'll get you out of this town and find you a nice man. Mom! (Liz wakes up and Caroline embraces her) [Salvatore's House] (Matt wakes up. Rebekah is here) Rebekah: I've never actually seen that ring in action before. Does it hurt? Matt: You mean getting my neck snapped or coming back from the dead? Because they both hurt like hell. Did it work? Rebekah: Well, it looks like Elena's emotional floodgates have been burst wide open. So she'll be back to her dull, sympathetic self in no time. Here. That was a brave thing to do Matt: She saved me from drowning at the bottom of that river. I'm just doing what I can to pay her back Rebekah: There aren't enough apologies in the world for the part that I played in this. Running you off the bridge, Elena becoming a vampire to save you. If you don't want me to cheat you into college, fine. We'll do it the hard way. But, Matt... I will spend every day until graduation trying to find a way to pay you back [A restaurant] (Katherine rejoins Bonnie) Katherine: I'm perfectly aware that tombstone isn't just a hunk of rock Bonnie: No kidding Katherine: And it got me thinking, all big spells require a source of power, a recurring element like a full moon, a comet. But that tombstone is filled with the blood of your ancient relative Katsooyay or whatever Bonnie: Qetsiyah Katherine: She was powerful enough to create the other side. So maybe if you have her blood, you don't need a full moon to drop the veil. Maybe you can do it whenever you want. The thing I can't figure out is why do you want to drop the veil at all? Bonnie: I have my reasons Katherine: And again, I ask, what's in it for me? Bonnie: You'll get the one thing you want most in this world... Freedom, survival. Never having to run from anyone again. Once I've dropped the veil, I can speak to Qetsiyah. She created the spell that made Silas truly immortal, invulnerable to any weapon. You'd like that for yourself, wouldn't you? I can give it to you Katherine: Bonnie Bennett, we have a deal [Salvatore's House] (Elena is in the library with Stefan and Damon) Damon: Hey... There you go. How you feeling? Elena: The pain's still there. The grief... And shame. I get it now. Shutting it off, it's a cheat. I mean, you put up this wall and shut out everything that makes you who you are. Nothing affects you, nothing matters. But things do matter... Things happen that can't be undone and now I know there's something I need to do about that Stefan: Elena, what you need to do is rest; take it easy for a couple of days. Maybe even a couple of years. Here Elena: I... I'm done resting. I have to get ready. There's so much that I have to do Damon: Whoa. Hey. What are you talking about? Elena: Think about it. It's so obvious. Go back far enough, there's one person who brought us to this... Who ruined our lives... And look at you two. Everything that's happened to you, she did that. She brought Klaus to Mystic Falls; she turned Caroline into a vampire. She killed my brother. It all comes down to her... Katherine. Ok, Stefan said to focus on one thing, so I did. I focused on hate. And I hate her so much Damon: Well, I don't think that's what he meant Stefan: Elena, Katherine's not worth your time. Even if you spend 10 minutes of your life hating her, she wins Elena: Not if I kill her Ecrit par popo34000
Plan: A: Damon; Q: Who snaps Matt's neck in front of Elena? A: a brutal new approach; Q: How do Damon and Stefan try to provoke Elena into turning her humanity back on? A: Elena; Q: Who decides to kill Katherine? A: Caroline; Q: Who is frustrated when her attempt to intervene backfires and Elena attempts to kill her? A: the Salvatore brothers' bluff; Q: What does Elena figure out a way to call? A: the Salvatore brothers; Q: Who uses Matt to switch on Elena's humanity? A: real fear; Q: What does Katherine create for Elena? A: her hand; Q: What did Katherine use to grab Elena's heart? A: the door; Q: What did Katherine leave unlocked so Elena could escape? A: her life choices; Q: What does Matt give Rebekah advice on? A: a confusing and dangerous encounter; Q: What does Caroline have with Klaus? A: Bonnie; Q: Who does Silas want to help him open the veil to purgatory? A: Caroline's mother; Q: Who does Silas injure to take Caroline's place? A: her blood; Q: What does Caroline inject into her mother to bring her back to life? A: the island; Q: Where did Katherine take the tombstone that Silas needs to open the veil between our world and purgatory? A: the deal; Q: What does Katherine accept when Bonnie offers her Silas's immortality and invulnerability? A: the ring; Q: What is Matt wearing that protects him from being killed by supernatural beings? Summary: Damon and Stefan try a brutal new approach to provoke Elena into turning her humanity back on, and Caroline is frustrated when her attempt to intervene backfires and Elena attempts to kill her. When Elena figures out a way to call the Salvatore brothers' bluff, they call on Katherine to create real fear. Katherine has a go, pushing her hand into Elena and grabbing her heart. Then she deliberately leaves the door unlocked so that Elena can escape. Matt gives Rebekah some unsolicited advice on her life choices, and she tries to help him in return. Caroline has a confusing and dangerous encounter with Klaus, who turns out to be Silas looking for Bonnie. Silas is persistent, and mortally injures Caroline's mother to take her place. Bonnie reaffirms her promise to help Silas open the veil to purgatory, and Caroline has to inject some of her blood into her mother to bring her back to life. Katherine is suspicious when Bonnie makes her the offer of Silas's immortality and invulnerability in exchange for the tombstone that Katherine took from the island, which Bonnie needs to lift the veil between our world and purgatory. Katherine appears to accept the deal. Meanwhile, the Salvatore brothers use Matt to switch on Elena's humanity, with Damon snapping Matt's neck in front of Elena. He is, of course, wearing the ring that protects him from being killed by supernatural beings, and recovers in the presence of Rebekah. Elena decides that she is going to kill Katherine.
TV : If she can stand it, I can. play it. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Hey, pretty girl. Peyton : Hi, pretty boy. what you doing? Lucas : I'm just... going through the script, actually. It always takes me back, you know? Nathan and Haley, my Lucas : Mom's café ... Brooke, Keith. Peyton : Yeah. how's it going with Julian? Lucas : Oh, you know, good cop, bad cop. I'm, fighting the urge from tying him to a chair and beating him to death. Hey, what's the deal with this dove pendant? I've never seen you wear it. Peyton : Oh, my dad brought that back for me from one of his trips out to sea. Lucas : Mm. it's nice. all right, so, are you gonna be home late? Peyton : Maybe. I don't know. I'll tell you what ... I'll give you a call if it's looking like that, okay? Lucas : Okay. well, I'll be up writing. hey, and just be careful. it's kind of nasty out there. not ready you lose you yet, you knucklehead. Peyton : You're the knucklehead. All right, get back to work. mama needs the money. Bye, baby. Lucas : Bye. TV : the way it goes ... one in, one out. Sam? if it's December 1941 in Casablanca... AT KAREN'S CAFE Peoples : Hey, hi. Lucas : evening. How are you two tonight? Man : Hey, thanks for the drinks, Lucas. Mouth : Hey, this just in ... Jim's wife is a tramp. oh, I'm telling you, fellas, she's a real floozy, and everyone knows except for Jim. Lucas : You know, Mouth, discretion might serve us better tonight, don't you think? save the gossip for your column. Mouth : Hey, power of the press, Luke. anything goes. hey, speaking of which ... I'm working on something big. Lucas : Oh, I'm sure you are. Mouth : It's bigger than the column. Lucas : You look good. Mouth : It's gonna shake up this whole town. The pianist : Thanks, sugar. Lucas : And how is Brooke Davis tonight? Brooke : Problems with men, problems with money. You could help me with both. Lucas : Nice dress. Brooke : Do you like it? I made it myself. Now, how about my problems? Lucas : You know I never mix business with pleasure. Brooke : Just pleasure, then? Lucas : I have Karen's café now. She's all the lady I need. I'm sorry, Brooke. Now, if you'll excuse me ... Brooke : You'll be back. Lucas : Nice shot. You're gonna be a hard man to replace. Nathan : And how's the search for my replacement coming? Lucas : Well, it'd be a lot easier if I knew when I was losing you. Nathan : When I know, you'll know. you rented out my room upstairs yet? Lucas : Nope. it'll be waiting for you when you get back. Nathan : hey, shouldn't Haley be on by now? Lucas : Let's give her a minute. TV : ... that we will not only defend ourselves to the stttermo, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us. Hostilities exist... Dan : Yes, they do. Haley : What are you doing here? Oh, I'm just checking up on my singer. Haley : I'm not your anything. is that any way to speak to the man who gave you everything? set you up in his club? saved you from being in a traveling sideshow? and yet you leave the comet club for Karen's café. I want you back. oh, still feisty. i like that. Haley : Listen, mister, if you think I'm going back to that hellhole, you've got another thing coming. Dan : Hellhole, is it? Haley : Yes, hellhole. Dan : The classiest joint within 100 miles, and you know it. Haley : Classy? classy, my foot. Dan : Who do you think you are? Dorothy Dandridge? Haley : those good old boys never cared about my voice long as they could see my legs and my chest hiked up to my ears. I'll never go back, and that's final. Dan : You know what? I decide what's final! oh, so that's what it's like? Haley : You are ... ugh! one of these days, someone's gonna stand up to you, Dan Scott, and i, for one, can't wait. Dan : Sing me something sweet tonight, doll. I'll be watching. Break a leg. Man : Ladies and gentlemen, it is my greatest pleasure to bring to this stage for your entertainment ... only at Karen's café ... Miss Haley James. Haley : *I know a little place in Carolina* *it's open year-round but only after dark * *so bring your gal and bring your wine* *unwind from your day* *gee, don't you know* *that you're in for a show* *when you go down to Karen's café?* *I know a little place in Carolina* *it's open year-round* *but only after dark* *so bring your gal and bring your wine* *unwind from your day* *gee, don't you know that you're in for a show* *when you go down to Karen's café?* *I've been up, down, all around* *lookin' for a place to spend my nights* *I don't wanna give it away* *I, I don't want everybody crowdin' up my space* *but I believe in sharin' when you find...* Nathan : What a dame. Lucas : She gets 'em every time. Nathan : You ever think a girl like that and ... never mind. Lucas : A bartender like you? yeah, why not? Nathan : Well, 'cause I'm a nobody. Haley : *but only if it, shh, stays a secret* Nathan : She's definitely a somebody. Lucas : Never say never, Nate. Look, if you want something, go get it. It's that simple. Nathan : What do you want, Luke? Lucas : Nothing. got everything I want right here. Nathan : Yeah. Haley : Sing it again, boys. Boys : *hey, hey, hey* Nathan : Luke ... We have a problem. Lucas : I'll take care of it. Julian : Move it or lose it, folks. Haley : *all around, lookin' for a place to spend my nights* *i don't want to give it away* *I, I don't want everybody crowdin' up my space* *but I believe in sharing when you find a good thing* *it's only common sense* *nobody likes to do it alone* Dan : Well, well, miss Brooke Davis. You have the money you borrowed from me? Brooke : Not yet, but I have something in the works. Dan : Not yet? Well, that's a mighty expensive champagne I saw you drinking over there. Brooke : Well, a lady has to keep up appearances. Dan : Well, your appearance is gonna suffer, if you don't get me my money. Haley : *I've been up, down, all around* *lookin' for a place to spend my nights* *I don't want to give it away* *I, I don't want everybody crowdin' up my space* Lucas : Can I help you? Dan : Wow, Lucas Scott. what a pleasure. you know, I actually thought this was my club for a while, considering that's my singer up there. Lucas : Oh, I'm sorry to inform you, but your club's down the road. It's the one lacking customers. Dan : Funny. give me my girl back, I considered then you live Lucas : Haley's free to do whatever she wants, and she wants to stay here. Now, you, on the other hand, are free to go. Dan : You know, this club had such an elegance when your mom ran it. I remember being treated with such respect and sometimes I was treated to a few other things. it's too bad your mom ran off after that horrible accident with Keith. I mean, she was always so ... hospitable. Lucas : I think it's time for you to get out of my club ... or I will throw you out. Dan : Julian? Owen : Dan! that's enough for tonight. Dan : Thanks for a lovely evening. Lucas : Sorry, ladies and gentlemen a round on the house. Haley James. Haley : *gee, don't you know that you're in for a show* *when you go, go, go-o-o-o-o* *ohh* *gee, don't you know* *that you're in for a show* *when you go down* *to kare-e-e-e-n's café?* Haley : Oh, hey, good to see you. Man : Check out those gams. Haley : Hey, not tonight, all right? Man : Oh, let's have us a dance. Haley : Listen, get off. Man : Oh, come on, give me some sugar. Haley : Get off! Nathan : Sugary enough for you? you okay? Haley : Thank you, but maybe you should cut that guy off. Nathan : Maybe I should buy him another drink on the house. Haley : And why would you do that? Nathan : 'cause he gave the bartender an excuse to talk to the gorgeous singer. *... in between when you're lookin' at me* *I know* *I know* *I know* Haley : You know, in that case, maybe you should give him two. The second one's from me. OUTSIDE KAREN'S CAFE Dan : Julian, give us a moment. Your mother made me promise one thing before she died ... That I would always look after you. Peyton : I know. Dan : I saw you making eyes at Lucas tonight. Peyton : I was doing nothing of the sort. Dan : I know what I saw. Don't make a liar out of me. Go to bed. I believe you, Peyton. Julian : I know you only have eyes for me. Sweet dreams. Mouth : Oh, I think I had a few too many tonight. Lucas : Oh, you have a few too many every night, mouth ... Keeping me in business. Now, are you gonna be okay to get home? Mouth : Yeah, I'm fine. all right. I'm going places, Luke. Lucas : I know. Mouth : Which way am I going? Thanks, pal. I used to be great, Luke. I was the best reporter in Tree Hill city, but I'm working on something big. I'm telling you ... no more gossip columns for me. It's big, Luke. They'll see. They'll all see me again. Does anybody see me here? Lucas : Have a good night. Brooke : Last chance. Lucas : Good night, Brooke. Brooke : And, Brooke, those were nice days we had. Lucas : Sure they were. Sorry I had to break your heart. Skills : Are you sure you can still handle your whiskey, Luke? Lucas : Yeah, I'm fine. why? Skills : 'cause you just let Brooke Davis walk out of here without paying her tab. I've been working with you 10 years, and I've never seen you tear up a bar tab before. Lucas : She's just down on her luck. Mark my word, skills ... someday, Brooke Davis is gonna change the world. Brooke : Taxi! on second thought, I'll walk. Thanks. sir? Have a good night. Dan : Nice night for a walk. Brooke : I told you I don't have your money yet. Dan : Oh, that's a damn shame, 'cause, you see, I'm a businessman, so when I make an investment, I expect to see a return on that investment. I spent it on the start-up costs for my garment line. Brooke : It's just been a slow start. If you could just give me more time. Dan : You want more time. okay. I'm a fair-minded person. company needs a chance to get started, get some advertising, word of mouth, build up a clientele. Brooke : That's right. Dan : Okay, I understand. I'll give you until ... tomorrow night ... midnight. or else. Julian : You want me to rough her up? Dan : No. no, we'll give her another day. Meanwhile, go get me that nosy cop. My calluses could use a workout. AT KAREN'S CAFE Haley : So you're from here, aren't you ? Nathan : Tree hill city, born and raised. what brought you here? Haley : Well, I know it sounds a bit corny, but, the rain. i know nobody likes the rain, but i was traveling from theater to theater, performing. and while the money was great... well, Ii really missed having a place i could call home, so I moved here d fell for the rhythm of the rain. unfortunately, I also got stuck at Dan's place for a while. but then Lucas found me, brought me here, and it was a perfect fit. great club, rainy city. home. I think I'll stay a while, if Lucas will have me. Nathan : Well, I know Karen would approve. we all kind of miss her around here. after she lost Keith, she left the club to Lucas, and ... she would be proud to have a woman of your heart and talent working here at the café. Haley : Well, I sure can class up a joint, now, can't I? Nathan : Yes, you sure can. I was ... I was wondering if maybe you might want to step out with me sometime. Haley : Well, why don't you stop wondering and ask me sometime? Lucas : Nathan? Nathan : Excuse me. Lucas : Before you get in too deep. Haley : Everything all right? Nathan : How would you like to step out with me tonight? Lucas : Sorry, but we're closed. Peyton : I know. my car broke down. Lucas : right. so you can lure me outside, and Dan and five of his goons will work me over? no, thanks. Peyton : Dan's not with me. I promise. Lucas : let me grab my coat. OUTSIDE KAREN'S CAFE Lucas : well, I'll see what I can do. I'm not really the mechanic type. Wow, the advancements on these things are amazing, aren't they? how much she set you back? Peyton : Oh, hundreds. What do you drive? Lucas : I don't. I guess I'm not ready to give up on good, old-fashioned walking. Peyton : You know, no one ever stands up to Dan that way. Lucas : That right? Peyton : And to be perfectly honest, I think the confrontation made him respect you. that's how he judges people, you know? Are they weak or are they strong? it's just his way. Lucas : It's not my way. I'm a kind man, unless you give me a reason to be otherwise. I'm sorry. i ... my uncle Keith was the mechanic in the family. Peyton : It's okay. leave it. you wouldn't mind a good, old-fashioned walk home, would you? Lucas : Sure. I can do that. Where do you live? Peyton : That way. Lucas : Let's go. ON THE BRIDGE Peyton : I'm not sure how I feel about the war. I do mostly feel sorry for our boys having to leave home. I could fight, though. What? I could. or be a nurse. What do you think? would I be a good nurse? Lucas : Yeah, I guess. Peyton : Do you think I'm pretty? Lucas : I don't think I know you well enough yet to say something like that. Peyton : Well, you certainly don't talk very much, do you? Now, why would you want to walk me home if you didn't walk to talk? Lucas : I'm not really the gabbing type. Peyton : What does a girl have to do for some interesting conversation... short of throwing myself at you? Lucas : Okay. I have a question for you. why do you associate yourself with a guy like Dan? he's scum. everybody knows what types of things he's into over there at the comet club. People disappear around him. and yet ... You let him own you. Peyton : Never mind. Lucas : Oh, no, you said you wanted to talk. now, here i am, walking you home, against his wishes, I'm sure. I'd just like to know. Peyton : it's a long story. Lucas : I've got time. Peyton : my mother and Dan were in love. and when she died, he vowed he would always look after me. i'm not his girl. I have my own place. he just keeps me close to him and takes me out. Lucas : You're a trinket. Peyton : I'm cared for. Lucas : Is that what you call it? I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude. I just ... I don't like the guy is all. Peyton : It's not that. I need to get out. I have been locked up my entire life, and i need to breathe. i need freedom. I need love. AT KAREN'S CAFE *love...* Haley : When you asked me to step out with you tonight, I didn't imagine it would be at Karen's café. Nathan : Why not? We've got the best piano player in town and the best drinks. Haley : And the best bartender. Nathan : Haley, I have to tell you something. that letter that Luke gave me earlier ... my unit's been called up for active military duty, and I have to report tomorrow night ... which means that this is my last night here, but... I want you to know that I wouldn't want to spend it with anyone but you. Haley : Is that the truth? Because ... because I want to believe that it is. Nathan : Yes. This is perfect to me. *... I've fallen* *it's your fault, baby* *if I'm a fool* *you must be...* IN THE STREET Peyton : I want to fall in love. my whole life has been planned and safe. Dan won't let men court me. but for once, I want to make my own choices, even if that means my heart shatters into a million pieces and I have to find the strength to put it back together. so, that's why I came back tonight ... because I need something different, and you are the first thing I've laid eyes on that is. and I have said too much. I'm sorry. Lucas : You are. Peyton : What? Lucas : Earlier, you asked me if you were pretty. You are. But it's your heart that makes you more than that. it makes you beautiful. Peyton : Thank you. this is me. Luke, no one knows about Dan loving my mother... no one else in the world. just me, him, and now you. Lucas : I won't say a word. You know, there's a sign above the door in my bar. it reads, People always leave... but I say, 'stay a while, have a nightcap'. Now ... maybe you and I can do that sometime. Peyton : Leave? or have a nightcap? Lucas : Whatever you'd like. Would it be all right if ... Peyton : Just shut up and do it. Lucas : Good night, Peyton. IN THE PARK Haley : Well, this is a most romantic table ever reserved for me ... and the most interesting of entrées. penny for your thoughts. Nathan : I love you. I always have ... ever since the first time i saw you. I know this might sound crazy, but i just had to tell you, because... Haley : What? Nathan : I'm not afraid of dying. but i am afraid of dying without you knowing how i feel about you. Haley : You're not going to die, Nathan Scott. you're going to come home... to me. Nathan : I just think it's ... Haley : Why don't you let me do the thinking for the both of us? I've got a crazy idea. do you trust me? Nathan : Yes. AT DAN'S GARAGE Dan : You manage to find the money you owe me? Brooke : No, but I have something much more valuable than money. Julian : Hey, boss, officer Morello, will be here soon for his ... appointment. Hey, sugar. Dan : What could you possibly have that i would want? Brooke : Information ... about Peyton. Dan : What kind of information? Brooke : Forgive my debt, and I'll tell you. Dan : No, you tell me, and I'll consider it. Besides, you owe me money. you really don't have a choice. Brooke : what if i told you that your precious Peyton was sweet on Lucas Scott and that I saw them together last night? Dan : I drove Peyton home last night. Besides, we've discussed this. She knows better than to get involved with him. Brooke : Well, I saw it with my own eyes late last night. And I don't think she heard you, unless you told her it's okay to kiss him. Dan : You're lying. Get her out of here. Brooke : Such a shame about Peyton's mother ... considering how you loved her. You consider my debt paid in full. Dan : Hell hath no fury. Pretty ruthless. There may be hope for you yet, Brooke Davis. Brooke : Then we're square. Dan : Not yet. There's one more thing you're gonna do for me. OUTSIDE KAREN'S CAFE Julian : You need a lift? Skills : No, thanks. Julian : You know, you could be making a lot more money at the comet club. Skills : I'm doing just fine at Karen's. Julian : Okay. All right. You're loyal. I get it. No hard feelings? Then again, I wouldn't call a piano player with a broken hand just fine. Skills : No! AT KAREN'S CAFE Peyton : Hi. Lucas : Didn't expect to see you here. Peyton : I know. it might seem a little strange, but i would like for you to have this. when I was a little girl, my mother took me to a seaport. we met a sailor, and he took us out on the water. I felt free. and when he brought us back to the shore, i cried, because I didn't want to go home. and he told me that one day, I would be free to see the world, to do as i pleased. But until that day, to keep the dove as a reminder of that dream. the dove has always stood for peace and love. But for me, that dove has always stood for freedom. Lucas : I can't accept this. Peyton : It comforts me, Lucas and so do you. So I want you to have it. I should go. Lucas : Stay a while. Peyton : No. no, I think I'll hold out till that nightcap. wouldn't want a girl to look too needy. AT DAN'S GARAGE Dan : You had to be stubborn, huh? You couldn't just look the other way and take my handouts. Look at you ... Sitting there, all strong and proud, not even begging for your life. Wow, you really take the pleasure out of this. It kind of reminds me of Keith Scott. Oh, well. I'll get over it. Julian : Hiya ON THE BRIDGE Julian : Here, have another drink, boozy. Dan : You should have stuck to gossip columns instead where you don't belong. Gossip columns won't get you killed, kid. Julian : Boss? Peyton : Stop it! What is this?! Get off me. Dan : What are you doing here? Peyton : All this time ... I didn't want to believe That you were evil, that you were a liar, but I think I knew all along, so I followed you. Dan : And what about you? How's Lucas doing, whore? Mouth : He killed Lucas' uncle Keith. I said I was on the something, and I was right. He murdered him. Dan : Shut him up! Peyton : Is that true? Dan : Go wait in the car. Peyton : Is that true?! Dan : Go wait in the car! Go wait in the car. Mouth : No. No! No! IN THE HOTEL ROOM *I want a dress, nice and pale* *with hat on the top* Nathan : What are you thinking about? Haley : The house we're going to live in right here in tree hill city. Nathan : Anything else? Haley : Well, since the house is going to be so big, I suppose we'll need children. Nathan : A little girl, just like you. Haley : Mnh-mnh, a son. Nathan : We could name him James, like Haley James. Haley : Jamie. Nathan : Yeah. *I wanna get married* *wanna be Mrs. S-c-o-t-t* ON THE BRIDGE Dan : Well, well. The boozy reporter finally cracks the case. Well done. I'll tell you what ... I'm a charitable guy. You beg for your life, and just maybe I'll set you free. Mouth : No. I'm not crawling anymore ... not even for you. And pretty soon, no one else will, either. They'll find out that you killed Keith, Just like I did. And then they'll bring you down. Dan : Oh, I'd say if anyone's going down, it's you. Hey, Mouth, be a friend and get that for me, will you? That last drink's on me. Julian : Boss, Peyton's gone. AT KAREN'S CAFE Lucas : Hey, skills. Play something good for me? What happened to you? Skills : Julian, Dan. Peyton : They have mouth. they're gonna kill him. Lucas : What? Peyton : He found out that Dan killed Keith. Luke, I didn't know. I'm sorry. Skills : Luke, what are you doing? Peyton : Luke, we can be free. We can leave tonight. Skills : Luke, listen to her. He knows she's here. Peyton : You're gonna get hurt. Lucas : He hurt me when he took Keith away from me. He's hurt everybody, including you. Somebody needs to stop him. Peyton : Lucas. Lucas : Were you serious when you told me you'd leave with me tonight? Peyton : Yes. Lucas : Skills, you've been a good man and a great friend, so I want you to have this place. It's yours. Skills : I'm coming, too. Lucas : No. You'd just hold me up anyway. OUTSIDE KAREN'S CAFE Peyton : Luke! Julian : Get over here, Peyton. Peyton, now! Lucas : She's with me. Dan : Why does everything always have to be so messy? okay, okay. not even I'd shoot a man in the back, Lucas. actually, that's not true. I've shot several men in the back. Most of them deserved it, but I wouldn't recommend you do it, 'cause i have a surprise for you. Ms. Davis? Put it down. That's a good boy. isn't this fun? okay, Ms. Davis, finish your job and your debt is clear. Brooke : I'm sorry, Luke. Lucas : Brooke, we've all had hard times. you don't have to do this. Brooke : Yes, I do. I should have done this a long time ago. Dan : Yeah, I thought so. women. you want something done right ... Peyton : Luke. Lucas : Peyton? I got you, I got you. hey, come on. no, it's gonna be okay. hold on, hold on, hold on. You're gonna be okay. Hey, we're gonna leave, remember? Yeah. just you and me ... We're gonna leave. Come on. Peyton : I love you. AT THE AIRPORT *don't fight, don't fight, don't fight, don't fight* *don't do it again* Nathan : I'm coming back to you, Haley. I am. Haley : Is that a promise? Nathan : as long as you wait for me, it is. Haley : oh, I'll wait for you. I'll wait forever. *don't say, don't say, don't say, don't say* *you're leaving this town* Nathan : best day of my life. *you're all I have in this life* *don't...* *and hear me out* *don't fool* *just hold me now* *don't take, don't take, don't take* *don't take it so lightly* *when you say, you say, you say* *when you say you love me* *I miss, I miss, I miss, I miss* *the way we would laugh* *I wish, I wish, I wish...* Lucas : You're free now, Peyton. *... that we could go back* *when you say, you say, you say* *when you say you love me* Lucas : Peyton? Peyton : Hi. did I wake you up? Lucas : No. well, maybe. Peyton : I'm sorry. I'm still at Tric. I'm gonna be home soon, though, okay? Lucas : Oh, no worries, no worries. I just had the craziest dream. I'll tell you about it when you get home. okay? all right, I'll see you soon. and, Peyton... don't ever leave me, okay? Peyton : Okay. bye. Lucas : Whew. *don't take, don't take, don't take* *don't take it so lightly* *... when you say, you say, you say...*
Plan: A: the phone; Q: What is Lucas talking on when he falls asleep? A: Peyton; Q: Who collapses after making a call to Lucas after he wakes up from his dream? A: present time; Q: When is Lucas talking to Peyton? A: a film noir; Q: What type of dream does Lucas have? A: a club; Q: What does Lucas dream he owns in an alternate reality? A: Haley; Q: Who is on stage in the alternate reality? A: Nathan's a bartender; Q: What is Nathan's job in the alternate reality? A: war; Q: What is Nathan deployed to? A: Haley elope; Q: What happens to Nathan and Haley in the alternate reality? A: a piano player; Q: What is Skills' profession? A: money; Q: What is Brooke desperate for? A: Mouth; Q: Who discovers Dan's true intentions? A: the truth; Q: What is Mouth trying to uncover? A: a bridge; Q: Where is Mouth thrown off? A: Julian's deaths; Q: What happens to Peyton and Julian in the dream? A: The Ink Spots; Q: What band did the episode "The Club" come from? Summary: As Lucas is talking on the phone with Peyton in present time, Lucas falls asleep and has a film noir dream about a club he owns in an alternate reality. Haley's on stage and Dan practically owns her. Nathan's a bartender who's deployed to war not before him and Haley elope, Skills a piano player, Brooke's desperate for money and Peyton is sort of with Dan. Mouth discovers Dan's true intentions and whilst trying to uncover the truth, he is thrown off a bridge by Dan, And Lucas and Dan face off ending in Peyton and Julian's deaths. Then, Lucas wakes up, realizing it was all a dream. Peyton collapses after making a call to Lucas after he wakes up from his dream.[16][17] This episode is named after a song by The Ink Spots .
EXT. ISTANBUL - DAY A computer beeps as two workers in clean suits work with vials filled with a yellow substance. Two white mice are in the small room with them. They speak Turkish to one another. The clean room in which they are working is apparently in the lobby of a building. The doorbell to the building buzzes. A WOMAN in a burqa is standing at the door. GUARD: Can I help you? WOMAN: I'm here to see Ramal. GUARD: Ramal's busy, come back later. WOMAN: Please, his son is ill. I must speak with him. The guard buzzes the woman in. The woman enters and walks to the guard station. WOMAN: Thank you. Thank you. GUARD: I need you to stop here. I'll call for Ramal. The guard reaches for the phone. The woman pulls out a gun and shoots the guard three times. She lowers the headpiece, revealing her face. She has dark brown hair. She walks toward the clean room and attaches a device to the keypad to the door of the room. WOMAN: I'm patched in. Go for the hack. The door opens. The woman steps inside. WOMAN: Agaist the wall. Now. The workers in clean suits put their hands up and back away. The woman keeps a gun pointed at them and retrieves two vials. She picks up a third one. WORKER: Please, be careful. That vial... the seal is already broken. WOMAN: (backing away) That's okay. I only need two. She reaches the door of the clean room, tosses the unsealed vial toward the workers, and pulls on the hoses to their clean suits, disconnecting them. The vial shatters, exposing the men to the substance inside. Alarms sound. The woman leaves, pulling her headpiece back over her head. The workers shout and frantically try to get out of the room, pounding on the door. They soon collapse and die. One of the mice doesn't look so good either. EXT. VENICE, CA - DAY INT. SYDNEY'S HOUSE - DAY Sydney picks up the mail and sorts through it. She stops when she sees the Hockey Trends magazine. It is addressed to Michael Vaughn. She makes a phone call. ROGER: Thank you for calling. For the purposes of training, this call may be monitored. My name is Roger. How may I help you? SYDNEY: Hi... Roger. I'd like to cancel a subscription, please. ROGER: Certainly. Can I have the name on the account, please? SYDNEY. Michael Vaughn. V-A-U-G-H-N. ROGER: Got it. I see it right here. May I ask why you're canceling the subscription? SYDNEY: (pauses) Mr. Vaughn died. ROGER: I'm sorry. I'll take care of it right away. SYDNEY: (softly) Yeah. (hangs up) Sydney puts the phone down and takes a moment. SYDNEY: (sighs) Okay. Sydney picks up the magazine and puts it in the wastebasket. She begins to walk away, but then turns back and takes it out, gently putting the magazine into a desk drawer instead. INT. APO - DAY Marshall is briefing Sydney, Jack, and Thomas Grace on his latest find. MARSHALL: When your wife tells you it's a waste of time having a pen pal, she's wrong. 'Cause, um, two days ago, there was a theft in an R&D facility in Istanbul. The Turks have done a pretty good job of keeping it under wraps, but - my friend Ali forwarded me this. (pulls up video) Now take a look right there. You see that - those vials? That's a nerve agent called Substance 33. It was developed by the Russians during the Cold War. Remarkable stuff. You know, in an end-of-civilization... sort of way... SYDNEY: What makes you think they worked for Dean? MARHSALL: Well, they don't. As far as we can tell, they're independent. (to Grace) Gordon Dean, he's a - GRACE: Former CIA. Disappeared two years ago. Infiltrated this office. Compromised one of your men. I'm up to speed, thanks. MARSHALL: Sorry, um, new guy. I just assumed that maybe, uh... (clears throat) Anyway... (turns back to the video and points) This woman right here - that's who I think works for Dean. JACK: You think...? Based on what? Your pen pal? MARSHALL: Who, Ali? No. See, this woman had help - a hacker who remotely accessed the security system using the same computer as a hack on the NSA a few months back, which we know was ordered by Dean. So, two hours ago, I traced this computer to Prague within these 5 square miles. (points out the area on a map) But, you see, if I can go to Prague, I can narrow it down to like, 2 feet. And then we can grab this hacker and get him to tell us where the Substance 33 is. SYDNEY: But if we do that, we lose Dean. Once he realizes his hacker is missing, he'll disappear as well. MARSHALL: Right. JACK: Okay, I want you both accompany Marshall to Prague. Follow the signal, locate Dean's operation there - but don't do anything to reveal yourself or to engage his men. Once we've done that, we'll reassess our options. SYDNEY: (surprised) Shouldn't Dixon be going with me? JACK: I've tasked Dixon to another assignment. Marshall will brief you on your op-tech. Let me know when you're ready to leave. Jack leaves. Sydney is silent and nods. She exchanges looks with Grace, but decides to follow Jack to air her displeasure, leaving Marshall and Grace behind. SYDNEY: Dad, you're making a mistake. JACK: Sydney, I understand you'd be more comfortable taking Dixon with you, but that was inappropriate. SYDNEY: This is not the time to break in a new agent. JACK: Agent Grace has extensive field experience - SYDNEY: And I have a history with Dixon. What is so important, Dad, that he can't come with me on this mission? JACK: Your sister. SYDNEY: What about my sister? JACK: You know that Sloane has been searching for a cure for Nadia. He may have found one. (hands Sydney a piece of paper) SYDNEY: (reading page) "Conditional Release of Arvin Sloane"...? JACK: Sloane cultivated a lead who will only meet with him face-to-face in Russia. I was able to convince the attorney general to let him out of prison for 72 hours. I'm sending Dixon as a security detail. SYDNEY: When was I going to find out about this? JACK: (hesitates) I didn't want to raise your hopes until we knew what Sloane had. SYDNEY: Well, in that case, I prefer to go with Marshall by myself. JACK: Sydney - SYDNEY: It's not that complicated a mission. JACK: In fact, it's very complicated - recovering the nerve agent without tipping Dean... Sydney still looks stubborn. JACK: (pauses) What aren't you telling me? SYDNEY: I read his file. JACK: Agent Grace's? A hint of defiance flashes in Sydney's eyebrows. JACK: You had no authority to do that. SYDNEY: In the last three years, he has turned down half a dozen team assignment - instead, taking long-cover operations by himself. He's a loner. JACK: He's a superior agent, and he's agreed to be on this team - which is good enough for me. MARSHALL: Um, sorry, didn't mean to... it's just that you said to let you know when - GRACE: We're ready to go. MARSHALL: Yeah. Sydney is still unsure about working with Thomas Grace. ALIAS Intro INT. PRISON - DAY DIXON: Tell me about your contact, Alexander Dolzhenko. SLOANE: Dolzhenko was an undersecretary in the Politburo. I had been working with him for the past decade. DIXON: Trustworthy? SLOANE: Reliable. DIXON: Why is he insisting on meeting with you in person? SLOANE: For his protection. After the Sovogda incident, we believed that the Russians killed all the infected. But according to Dolzhenko, they've kept some of them alive, and they're pursuing treatment. Of course, the Russians deny that Sovogda ever occurred. So by passing the cure to me, Dolzhenko is risking his life. DIXON: Suppose Dozhenko has been found out by the authorities. This could be his way of cutting a deal. SLOANE: And you're suggesting that I might be walking into a trap? Hmm? No. No. About the Sovogda incident, the Russians have no idea that I'm responsible. DIXON: Then why has he agreed to meet with you at all? SLOANE: $300,000. DIXON: My job is to make sure in three day's time, you return to this cell. I intend to do exactly that. When we're in the field, you'll follow my instructions explicitly. No questions. It's my show. SLOANE: Great. EXT. PRAGUE - DAY Sydney, Marshall, and Grace are inside a Ranger Rover parked near a coffeehouse. Marshall is working on his computer to pinpoint the location of the hacker. GRACE: Sure you're reading that right? MARSHALL: Ehh... GRACE: Seems like an unlikely place to hide an operation. MARHSALL: It's definitely him. I mean, the signal I'm getting is weak, but clean. The hacker's right inside that building. SYDNEY: Wi-Fi hotspot? MARHSALL: Yeah. (continues working on computer) Must be using a laptop off-site. Know what? That's okay. I got an idea. Marshall opens up a case and fiddles with something. MARSHALL: Okay. Got it. Here's what we do. Pack of mints, right? (shakes tin case around) Microprocessor on the bottom of the case. It's a relay. Get it within 5 feet of the hacker's computer. It should allow me to clone the hard drive - might even tell us where the nerve agent is. Even better - offer him a mint. Inside each one is a tracking device. Don't worry. He won't die or something if he swallows it - just feel a little sick, a little nausea. If Gordon Dean has an operation here, chances are the hacker will lead us right to it. GRACE: Got it. Both Sydney and Grace reach for the mints, but realize they need to settle who is going to go in. SYDNEY: (speaking Czech) GRACE: What's that? SYDNEY: (smugly) That was Czech. GRACE: I'll fake it. It's all sort of Germanish, right? Grace concedes the pack of mints. GRACE: Go for it. Sydney takes the mints. Marshall seems to be glad that the issue was settled. Sydney walks into the coffeehouse. SYDNEY: (comms) Okay, who am I looking for? MARHSHALL: Far window, back to the wall. SYDNEY: Baseball cap on backwards. Got it. Sydney looks at the guy using the laptop and walks toward him. SYDNEY: (Czech accent) You are American? GUY: (confused) No. SYDNEY: I just assumed... your hat. The Red Sox. GUY: Oh. SYDNEY: I like them, too. (smiles) MARSHALL: (comms) Great, Syd. That's perfect. I'm starting the clone now. SYDNEY: Care for a mint? (opens case) MARSHALL: Nice. SYDNEY: They're very good. The guy takes a mint and pops it in his mouth. Sydney smiles at him. MARSHALL: Hold on a second. Wait a minute. GRACE: What is it? MARSHALL: Well, I'm not the only one accessing this computer. Syd... GUY: So you're pregnant? MARHSALL: (comms) Does your guy have two laptops networked together? SYDNEY: (aloud) No. GUY: No? SYDNEY: A joke. Of course I am. (laughs) MARSHALL: Syd, we have a problem. Someone beside me is piggy-backing off this computer. They're trying to steal the bandwidth - which means the hacker doesn't have a laptop at all, maybe a PDA or cell phone? A young, blonde woman walks past Sydney and turns off her phone. MARSHALL: Great, the signal just went dead. SYDNEY: I got her. Blonde hair, brown jacket. She just left. She's coming your way. GRACE: There she is. The blonde woman, Rachel Gibson, looks around her before getting into her silver Mini Cooper. GRACE: (to Marshall) You're going to want a seatbelt. Rachel drives down the road in the opposite direction that the Range Rover is facing. Grace decides to do a quick 180 to catch Rachel. MARSHALL: (buckling seatbelt) Wh- what are you doing? GRACE: Following her. Rachel turns right. MARSHALL: Watch out! The Ranger Rover nearly hits an oncoming motorcycle, which swerves out of the way. MARSHALL: (waves to motorcycle) Sorry! In order to catch up to Rachel, Grace takes a hard right, squealing the tires. Rachel notices the Range Rover is following her and takes a quick left into an alley. GRACE: She made us. Hold on. Grace takes a parallel alley. Rachel takes the Mini around a few more corners, but Grace manages to confront her in the oncoming direction. Unable to get past the Range Rover, Rachel swerves into the sidewalk and crashes. Grace steps out of the range rover and draws his gun. GRACE: (points gun at Rachel) Hi there. Rachel takes a couple of breaths before finally putting her hands up. INT. PRAGUE HOTEL ROOM - DAY Rachel is strapped to a chair. She struggles with the restraints. Sydney leaves Rachel in a room by herself and closes the door. SYDNEY: (to Marshall) Hey, did you get anything from her cell phone? MARSHALL: No. The simm card is completely shattered. She says the phone broke when we hit her car. SYDNEY: Well, more likely, it was a countermeasure. She smashed it when she realized you were chasing her. And if her people realize she's gone - if there's some protocol to check in that she misses, they'll disappear as well. GRACE: Maybe under the circumstance, you'd have done something different. Sydney glares at Grace. MARSHALL: O-kay. Um, uh, you talked to your father, right, Syd? I mean, what's he want us to do? SYDNEY: I'm going to talk to her again, see if I can get her to give up Substance 33 while there's still time. Can you rig a voice stress analyzer? MARSHALL: Yeah. Uh, sure. Just give me ten minutes. EXT. OMSK - NIGHT Sloane and Dixon are waiting next to their car for Dolzhenko. SLOANE: Dolzhenko is typically a few minutes late. DIXON: Half an hour is more than a few minutes - Sloane's cell phone rings. Sloane answers the call on his earpiece. DIXON: Here we go. (uses his earpiece to listen in on the call) SLOANE: Alexander. DOLZHENKO: You deviated from my instructions. I told you to come alone. SLOANE: He's backup. He's only here for my safety. DOZHENKO: Do you have the money? Dixon opens the back door of the car and takes out a briefcase with the money and opens it on the trunk of the car. SLOANE: It's all here, Alexander - $300,000. DOLZHENKO: Our last job, where we parted company - be there by 8, alone this time. Dixon shakes his head. SLOANE: I can't do that, Alexander. DOLZHENKO: Then the deal's off, and you lose your daughter's cure. SLOANE: Marcus... DIXON: (sighs) No. (closes the briefcase) SLOANE: If you're concerned that this is a trick, an escape, you have my daughter. She's all the insurance you need. DIXON: Could be a trap. Russian police could be waiting for you - SLOANE: It doesn't matter to me. I have to see this through. What if it were your daughter, Marcus? Dixon hands the briefcase to Sloane. DIXON: Call me when you're ready to be picked up. (turns off earpiece) Dixon starts the car and drives away. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PRAGUE HOTEL ROOM - DAY Rachel is wearing monitors on her fingers as Sydney questions her. SYDNEY: Three days ago, you hacked into a security system that facilitated the theft of a chemical weapon, Substance 33. (pointedly waits for an answer) RACHEL: I want to contact the American Embassy. I'm a U.S. citizen, I have rights. SYDNEY: You committed an act of terrorism. You forfeited your rights. RACHEL: Honestly, I - I have no idea what you're talking about. Thomas Grace interrupts with a knock on the door. GRACE: Hey. Rachel Gibson, traveling on a student visa issued two weeks ago. So what are you studying? RACHEL: (pauses) Architecture. The Gothic influence. GRACE: Well, that's fascinating. RACHEL: (matter-of-factly) It is. Rachel rubs her restraints against her wristwatch, making a clicking sound. Grace notices and lunges toward her. RACHEL: What are you - GRACE struggles with her as he tries to grab her watch. RACHEL: Get off of me! Let go of me! No! Don't - let go! GRACE: What is this? RACHEL: Whoever you people are, you're making a big mistake. MARSHALL: (to Grace) Can I see that? RACHEL: Pretty soon, there will be a ton of U.S. agents swarming this place looking for me. SYDNEY: U.S. agents...? RACHEL: (boldly) That's right. MARSHALL: It's an ELT - Emergency Location Transmitter. She was trying to send a distress signal. GRACE: Do we need to worry? MARSHALL: No, looks like it's still intact. The signal didn't go out. Rachel's face falls. SYDNEY: You're scared? You should be. No one's coming to rescue you. RACHEL: I'm an operative for the U.S. Government, so unless you want to start a war with the CIA, I would suggest - SYDNEY: Here's your next problem, Rachel, we're CIA. RACHEL: Well, then this must be some... big misunderstanding. If you're CIA, we're on the same side. SYDNEY: (to Grace) Call Langley. Verify her story. Grace nods. RACHEL: You can't. We're off-book. Black ops. Langley won't verify us. SYDNEY: That's convenient. RACHEL: Well, that's the truth! SYDNEY: I've had enough. MARSHALL: Syd - INT. APO - DAY Jack is on the phone with Marshall. MARSHALL: The stress analysis indicates she's telling the truth. JACK: That may be, but the more likely scenario is that she's practicing a form of self-hypnosis to convince herself that what she's saying is true. MARSHALL: Well, I triple-checked my readings and filtered them against every known method of duping. She believes what she's saying. Sydney nods and looks over at Grace. GRACE: What? SYDNEY: Marshall, you and my father said the same thing - that Rachel believes what she's saying. She believes she works for the CIA. MARSHALL: Yeah, I think so. That's right. SYDNEY: (sighs) I need to talk to her. Sydney goes into the other room to speak with Rachel. SYDNEY: I want to tell you a story. Just... stop me if I get something wrong. You were approached in college, someplace public, in the quad or walking to class. A man asked you if you wanted to serve your country. When he told you it was for the CIA, you just - you couldn't believe it. But you took the tests, and they were easy for you. It made you feel good about yourself. You probably started work at a false front, some phantom company that had you doing entry-level analysis. Maybe you wondered why you were never sent to Langley. Maybe you wondered why you weren't being trained with other recruits. Then you got promoted. You met the director of your division, Gordon Dean. He offered you a position on his team. Dean took you under his wing. He convinced you that - you were so important, you just had to be out there, helping him save the world. How am I doing? RACHEL: You read my file. SYDNEY: No, I didn't. Thirteen years, ago, the same thing happened to me. Only I had been lied to. What I was told was the CIA was, in reality, a criminal organization. I think you've been told the same lie. I know that you don't believe me, Rachel. You think this is another interrogation tactic. It's not. I think I can prove it. RACHEL: You can prove it - that I work for a criminal organization... SYDNEY: Your transmitter - where does the signal get received? RACHEL: CIA Headquarters. Langley. SYDNEY: You're sure of that...? RACHEL: I designed it myself. SYDNEY: I'd like you to build a trace program, one that piggybacks onto the signal your watch sends out. If I'm right, it won't go to Langley. Rachel works on the computer and finishes the program. RACHEL: Okay. It's ready. SYDNEY: Let's do it. MARSHALL: Okay. I'm going to send out a test signal. Whoever receives this will just assume you're checking the system, okay? Here we go, and... Marshall opens up the watch and presses a button. The watch glows a red color. MARSHALL: ... Testing. The computer tracking the signal showings the signal originating from Prague traveling over to Langley. MARSHALL: Yep. Went to Langley. (sighs) Sydney looks at Rachel, who looks relieved. Suddenly, the computer beeps. The distress signal is being re-routed elsewhere. MARSHALL: Wait a minute. No, it isn't. That ping was just a ghost signal. It was meant to throw us off. It's not going to Langely at all. Where'd it go? (follows tracing program) Prague. Vlasska Street. SYDNEY: (to Rachel) What's on Vlasska Street? RACHEL: (pauses) Our office. It's temporary so that Dean can oversee the transfer of Substance 33. SYDNEY: Wait. Gordon Dean is in Prague? RACHEL: Yeah. He's right around the corner. EXT. PRAGUE HOTEL BALCONY - DAY Rachel looks out over Prague as she considers the truth she just learned. JACK: (on phone) How's she doing? GRACE: About how you'd expect. She was told Substance 33 was developed by a terrorist cell and was being transferred to U.N. weapons inspectors. JACK: Most likely, it's being sold to the highest bidder. Does she know when the exchange is to be made? GRACE: Tonight, but she says she doesn't know where. She said it's all classified, and all classified intel is stored on Dean's own dedicated server. JACK: What else? How much does she know about his operation? GRACE: Dean calls it "The Shed." She was recruited two years ago. Computer specialist. She's willing to give us everything - mission history, suppliers, contacts... the works. JACK: Without more background, it's too risky to move on Dean. He could destroy his data before we have time to secure it. Marshall, can we access that server? MARSHALL: Well, according to Rachel, Dean uses an encryption key that changes daily. But if I could get inside, I could crack the key and maybe download the entire hard drive. JACK: Obviously, that's too dangerous. What about the girl? GRACE: (shakes head) She's not a field agent. And her whole world is coming apart right now. JACK: I don't see another option. We have to recover Substance 33 before it trades hands. Sydney goes out to the balcony to speak with Rachel. RACHEL: What is it? SYDNEY: We need some help. Inside, Marshall explains the plan to Rachel. MARSHALL: All you have to do is copy the encryption key and then bring it back to me, okay? Shouldn't take me more than a couple of minutes to crack the code. Then - go back inside, all right? You think maybe you can open a remote access port to Dean's server? RACHEL: Yeah, from my workstation. Dean's server has about a terabyte of data. I mean, that's going to take you, what, an hour at 20 gigs a minute? MARSHALL: Don't worry. I can hop RAM while the data's being transferred. I mean, unless they know where to look, it can't be detected. RACHEL: The encryption key is pretty massive. I mean, I don't think I have anything big enough to copy it to. MARSHALL: That's okay. Got a little present for you. Okay? Just a little something I picked up - looks like a normal credit card, right? But you look closely - actually holds 240 Gigs of memory. Yeah. And it's a working credit card. Just go shopping with it because it's already at its limit. My wife - crazy with the clothes, Mitchell... RACHEL: It's clever. MARSHALL: Yeah. I wanna tell you that I've been admiring you, too. Not, you know, in anything kind of creepy, weird, just - totally professionally. I mean, your hack on the NSA? Genius. Too bad it was being used for evil. Though, been there myself. RACHEL: (quietly) Thanks. MARSHALL: Hey, listen. You're gonna be okay. All right? I have been through stuff way scarier. I'm still here. EXT. RUSSIA - NIGHT Sloane emerges from a doorway as a silver Audi pulls up. The door opens. ALEXANDER DOLZHENKO steps out of the car. SLOANE: Alexander. DOLZHENKO: Old friend. The two men embrace. SLOANE: So I did ask you asked. It's just you and me. DOLZHENKO: I'm sorry for my precautions. I'm sure you understand. SLOANE: Of course. DOLZHENKO: I'm eager to get this over as well. SLOANE: (hands over the briefcase of money) You can count it. DOLZHENKO: No. Please. (smiles) We're friends. I trust you. Dolzhenko places the briefcase in the backseat of his car. SLOANE: So you have the cure. DOLZHENKO: As I told you, it's still experimental. But, uh, yes. So far the patients have made a full recovery. SLOANE: Good. DOLZHENKO: Come. It's right here. Dolzhenko unlocks the trunk of his car. Sloane lifts the trunk open to look inside. There doesn't seem to be anything useful in the truck. A gun cocks. Dolzhenko points a gun at Sloane. SLOANE: Alexander, please. DOLZHENKO: No. Begging will not help you. SLOANE: Whoever wants me dead... let me reason with them. I'll pay them. DOLZHENKO: "Whoever." But Arvin - it's me who wants you dead. SLOANE: Sasha, why are you doing this? I've never done anything to you. DOLZHENKO: Oh, yes. Yes, you have. I had a daughter in Sovogda myself. Because what you released, I didn't even have a chance to bury my own child. I lied to you. Besides your daughter, there are no other survivors. No experiments, no cure. Sloane is devastated. DOLZHENKO: Yeah! It's worse than dying, isn't it? Knowing there's nothing you can do to save your own child. Turn around. SLOANE: No. DOLZHENKO: (shaking) Turn around! SLOANE: No. If you're going to shoot me, I'm not going to make it easy for you. I know your pain, Sasha. Killing me won't heal it. You're not a killer. Don't become one now. Don't make this your daughter's legacy. Dolzhenko puts the gun down, with tears in eyes. Sloane closes his eyes, relieved. Dolzhenko gets in his car and drives away. EXT. PRAGUE - DAY Sydney is doing some last minute preparations to help Rachel with her mission in a van outside of The Shed's office. SYDNEY: I'll be able to hear anything you say, even if it's barely a whisper. If anything goes wrong, if you even sense that you are in jeopardy, we'll pull you out. We'll call off the mission. RACHEL: (nods) Okay. SYDNEY: Okay. That's the easy part. The hard part... you have to walk back into that office and look everyone in the eye - your co-workers, Gordon Dean. You can't let them see that you know the truth. When you've copied the encryption key, let me know. We'll brush pass in the lobby like we said. RACHEL: Okay. (pauses) How many of them know? How many of them are in on it? SYDNEY: It's impossible to say. In my case, it was half a dozen out of fifty agents. (pauses) Have you ever seen this man? (shows Rachel a picture of Michael Vaughn) RACHEL: Yeah. Dean said he was a CIA agent who turned, and he's... in custody outside Los Alamos. (realizes when she sees Sydney's reaction) ...That was a lie, too. SYDNEY: His name is Michael Vaughn. He was a U.S. agent. But he was good man. Rachel, look at me. The reason I'm telling you this is because right now, you are our best chance at seeing Gordon Dean pay for what he's done. He used you, Rachel. He used you to murder U.S. agents. (pauses) I believe in you. Rachel nods. She gets out of the van and goes to the office. As she steps out of the elevator and into the office, she takes in her surroundings, looking over each of her co-workers. She heads to her workstation when she is interrupted. PEYTON: Hey. RACHEL: Peyton. Hey. PEYTON, a woman with long, dark brown hair, walks up to Rachel, smiling. Peyton is the woman who stole the vials of Substance 33 in Istanbul earlier. PEYTON: I thought you weren't due in until tonight. RACHEL: Yeah, I have some reports to clean up. PEYTON: (senses something) You okay? RACHEL: Rough weekend. PEYTON: Well, if you wanna take a nap on the couch, I can hide you. RACHEL: Thanks. I'm good, though. I'm gonna get to work. PEYTON: Okay. Oh - don't let Dean see you, or he'll make you translate surveillance footage. RACHEL: Yeah, you're right. Rachel walks over to her workstation and logs into her computer. A co-worker passes behind her desk and greets her. CO-WORKER: Rachel. Rachel nods to the co-worker as he goes past. She pulls out the credit card from Marshall, plugs it into a USB port on her keyboard, and begins to copy the encryption key. Meanwhile, Sydney is working on the computer as she, Marshall, and Grace wait for Rachel to finish copying the encryption key. MARSHALL: (sighs) How long has it been? SYDNEY: Since the last time you asked, 30 seconds. Look, she's been in there 10 minutes. MARSHALL: I'm sure she's fine. Rachel is still copying the encryption key when Gordon Dean comes by her desk. She quickly slides one of the disks off a stack on her desk to cover up the credit card USB drive. DEAN: Rachel. RACHEL: Hey. DEAN: I don't know whether to thank you or curse you. Rachel doesn't look like she understands what Dean is talking about. DEAN: The book you recommended - Devil in the White City... I'm addicted. Truly! I was up all night reading. I never would have thought I'd be so, uh, fascinated by a serial killer. Somehow I find myself even... (chuckles) sympathetic. RACHEL: Yeah, I guess. DEAN: So, listen. Intel suggests that Iran is trying to buy a nuclear core from the French. But we'll be in Paris next week. I need a prep report by the end of the day. RACHEL: Okay. I'll get right on it. DEAN: Thank you. (leaves) Rachel takes the credit card USB drive out and gets into the elevator. RACHEL: (comms) I've got it. I'm on the way down. SYDNEY: Great. I'm coming to meet you. We'll brush pass just outside the door to your building. PEYTON: Hey, hold the elevator. (steps into the elevator) You going for coffee? RACHEL: Yeah. Last time I'm going to see the sun for a few hours. PEYTON: Perfect. I'm dying for a smoke. SYDNEY: (comms) Rachel, listen to me. We can still do this. We'll do the pass right under her nose. Just follow my instructions. I'll talk you through it. Inside the van, Grace puts on his jacket. SYDNEY: What are you doing? GRACE: I'm going with you. SYDNEY: No, you're not. GRACE: Yes, I am. If Gordon Dean can recognize you on sight, so can any of his agents. How do you say, "You're welcome" in Czech? Rachel and Peyton walk down the street. RACHEL: I thought you quit. PEYTON: I did... in the U.S. But here, everyone smokes. It's a social necessity. Grace positions himself behind Rachel and Peyton. Sydney, wearing sunglasses, plans her move across the street. SYDNEY: Rachel, have the credit card ready in your left hand. I'm ten seconds away. Palm the credit card down by your side. Don't look at me. Rachel and Peyton stop so that Peyton can light her cigarette. Grace goes up to Peyton and offers her a light for her cigarette. When Peyton is distracted, Sydney walks by Rachel and takes the credit card. Rachel continues staring in the direction where Sydney went, away from Peyton and Grace. PEYTON: (smiling, taking a good look at Grace) Thank you. GRACE: You're welcome. Grace leaves. Peyton turns back to Rachel, who still looks distracted. PEYTON: See? Social necessity. If I didn't smoke, that never would have happened. But I suppose he's not your type anyway, is he? RACHEL: ...No. Grace returns to the van. GRACE: Remind me to ask her what that means - "not her type." Sydney gives him a questioning look. GRACE: (to Marshall) How's it going? MARSHALL: Um, good. What kind of idiots don't double-encrypt their firewalls? I could do this stuff in my sleep. Okay... we're in. Let Rachel know. SYDNEY: (comms) Rachel, Marshall's decoded the key. You can open the access ports now. Rachel and Peyton are just getting back into the office. PEYTON: That's what I love about our friendship - no competition. RACHEL: Yeah. PEYTON: You sure you're okay? RACHEL: Of course. It's nothing a little caffeine won't fix. Peyton doesn't seem convinced, but lets it go. PEYTON: (smiles) Okay. (leaves) Rachel goes back to her workstation and opens the access ports. MARSHALL: Got it. She's in. SYDNEY: Rachel, good job. We're in. This shouldn't take too long. Gordon Dean walks into his office. Peyton is waiting for him inside. DEAN: Peyton. What is it? PEYTON: I think we may have a problem. DEAN: What kind of problem? PEYTON: Rachel Gibson. Gordon Dean checks Rachel's computer activity log. DEAN: I don't know. She hasn't done anything unusual from her terminal. Dean checks her computer's RAM usage. It's excessively high. DEAN: (laughs) She's brilliant. PEYTON: What? (leans forward to see his screen) DEAN: She's hopping RAM. She's trying to stay undetected. (checks his computer) She's copying everything on my server! In the van, Marshall goes through files that they have finished downloading. MARSHALL: One sec here. Substance 33. Shipping tonight. Budapest. Shipping container 1147. Great. I'll let Mr. Bristow know. Gordon Dean and Peyton discuss what needs to be done. DEAN: She's compromised everything. PEYTON: I can eliminate her. She trusts me. DEAN: No, it's too late for that. Execute Plan B. (hands Peyton a key card) PEYTON: Are you sure that's necessary? DEAN: Just do it quickly. I'll meet you in the parking garage. Peyton puts a key card into a machine and flips a row of switches, initiating a countdown. MARSHALL: (getting back into the van) Okay, I spoke to Director Bristow. He contacted the Hungarian authorities. Once again, these bad guys picked the wrong dude to mess with. (checks the download progress on his computer) Huh. What's that? GRACE: What? MARSHALL: There's some RF interference. Should be able to compensate for it. Just then, there's a whirring noise in the office and all the computers turn off. Two black cars screech out of the building's parking garage. GRACE: Contact Rachel. See how she's doing. SYDNEY: (comms) Rachel, it's me. Do you copy? Rachel? Rachel, if you can't talk, cough. MARSHALL: Oh, hell. The server's down. SYDNEY: Rachel, listen to me - MARSHALL: It's no use. They set off an EMP. They fried the electronics. Immediately, Grace gets out of the van and races to the building. Rachel and her co-workers are unsure of what to do. The countdown is at 55 seconds. RACHEL: (trying the comms) Are you there? Can anybody hear me? When there is no answer, Rachel decides to leave. 19 seconds are left on the countdown. She tries the elevator, but it's not working. Grace reaches the building, pulls the fire alarm on the first floor, and runs to the stairwell. 11 seconds. Hearing the alarms, Rachel goes toward the stairwell. 7 seconds. The bomb counts down and explodes, destroying the entire 10th floor and shaking the entire building. Upon hearing the explosion, Sydney rushes out of the van. MARSHALL: Syd. Syd, no. Grace, who was knocked down during the blast, continues up the stairs to the 10th floor and finds the destruction. He hears a groan and finds Rachel under some debris in the stairwell. When he sits her up, Rachel begins coughing. Sydney reaches the 10th floor and finds them. GRACE: She's okay. She's gonna be okay. Rachel weakly looks up at her rescuers.
Plan: A: a hacker; Q: What is Marshall on the trail of? A: NSA; Q: What organization did Marshall believe was hacked? A: Vaughn's cover; Q: What did the hacker blow? A: Prague; Q: Where is the hacker that Sydney and Grace track to? A: Sydney; Q: Who is forced to partner with Thomas Grace? A: Thomas Grace; Q: Who is the new agent for APO? A: three; Q: How many people were involved in the capture of Rachel Gibson? A: CIA; Q: What organization was Rachel Gibson supposed to be working for? A: the criminal organization; Q: What is The Shed? A: a port; Q: What does Rachel open up to allow Marshall to hack into The Shed? A: their files; Q: What does Marshall want to download from The Shed? A: Dean's associate; Q: Who is Kelly Peyton? A: the entire office; Q: What does Kelly Peyton blow up when she finds Rachel Gibson? A: the only survivor; Q: What happens to Rachel after Kelly Peyton blows up the office? Summary: Marshall picks up the trail of a hacker that he believes was involved with a hack on the NSA that blew Vaughn's cover. Tracking the hacker to Prague, Sydney is forced to partner in the field with APO's new agent, Thomas Grace. With Marshall, the three find and capture Rachel Gibson, a supposed black ops agent of the CIA working in Prague under the supervision of Gordon Dean. Similar to Sydney's life at SD-6, Gibson was lied to and was working for the very enemy she thought she was fighting. Allying herself with Sydney, Rachel returns to The Shed, the criminal organization, so she can open up a port and allow Marshall to hack in and download their files. Rachel, however, is detected by Kelly Peyton, Dean's associate, who subsequently blows up the entire office leaving Rachel as the only survivor of the blast.
EXT. ISLAND, DAY We zoom in on an isolated island, a fortified stone building perched on the surface. INT. BUILDING, TUNNELS, DAY Three figures appear at the opposite end of the dark tunnel. MAN: Lights. The lights in the tunnel turn on and the humans - two men, one woman - wearing advanced hazmat suits walk down the tunnel. INT. BUILDING, ROOM, DAY A code is keyed into the door and it opens, allowing the three inside. MAN: Lights. You know the drill, people - acid visors down and locked. Buzzer. The second man, BUZZER, turns a crank that lifts the heavy lid from the large vat in the center of the room. The WOMAN holds a device over the contents and takes a reading. WOMAN: Reading of 9.7. MAN: Sounds a bit low for unrefined. How's the average? WOMAN: The acid potency stats have definitely dropped below the mean during the last quarter. As she speaks, BUZZER climbs on the lip of the vat to place a pin in a hole to prevent the lid from falling on them. BUZZER: Better than a computer, isn't she? WOMAN: Give over, Buzz. She playfully shoves BUZZER and he falls into the vat. WOMAN: Buzzer! Buzz. MAN: (sighs) Oh, great. Nice going, twinkle toes. WOMAN: I shouldn't have swung at him. Sorry, Buzz. My bad. BUZZER: No, you're all right. Jimmy. JIMMY: Well, no point carrying you back legless. Sorry, Buzzer, you're dead. BUZZER: Oh, this is a right pain in the ar- heart's gone now. The WOMAN smacks the side of the device as it warbles. JIMMY: Look, we'd best get off. Got to write this one up for the boss. Those suits cost a bomb. If I miss my boy's birthday, filling out forms, I'll kill you again. JIMMY and the WOMAN head back to the door as BUZZER'S raised hand dissolves. JIMMY: Lights. The lights go out and JIMMY and the WOMAN leave the room. INT. BUILDING, TUNNELS, DAY JIMMY and the WOMAN head back up the tunnel. WOMAN: I'm looking at these readings, Jimmy, and the potency stats are way too low. We may have to take that read again. This thing is still jamming up on me. At the other end of the tunnel, BUZZER is waiting. BUZZER: So I think we'd better talk about what just happened back there. I could get compensation. I've seen the Hello ads. "Had an accident in the workplace?" Yeah, I have, as it goes. I've melted. JIMMY: Let it go. BUZZER: Look, just remember, when you're doing your report, it wasn't my fault - she took a swing at me. WOMAN: I never touched you. You got two left feet, Buzzer. BUZZER: I haven't got two left feet. Already arms, neck, head, the chin. (whistles) This body cost money, love. JIMMY: Not as much as that acid suit. BUZZER: Oh, lighten up. It's not like anyone was hurt. INT. BUILDING, ROOM, DAY The other BUZZER melts away in the pool, mouth open in a silent scream. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvil "The Rebel Flesh" by Matthew Graham Producer Marcus Wilson Director Julian Simpson [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS Muse's "Supermassive Black Hole" plays over the speakers as AMY and RORY play darts. The DOCTOR is at the console. RORY throws and his dart comes in under the wire. AMY: 46. Rubbishy rubbishy rubbish. RORY: Hello, it's a double top. AMY: Wrong side of the wire, mister. RORY: You're - red. AMY: (laughs) No, I'm not. Stop trying to put me off. As AMY takes her turn, the DOCTOR watches. On the monitor is the pregnancy scan. He switches off the music. DOCTOR: Who wants fish 'n' chips? (RORY raises his hand) I'll drop you both off. Take your time. Don't rush. RORY: Uh, and you? DOCTOR: I have things to do, things involving... other things. AMY: Well, we'll stay with you. We'll do the other things. AMY and RORY join the DOCTOR at the console. DOCTOR: Nope. AMY: Whatever you're up to, I, personally, would like to be a part of it. (scoffs) What? A klaxon blares and the TARDIS begins to buck. RORY grabs the rail as AMY clings to the console. The DOCTOR tries to get them out of it. DOCTOR: Solar Tsunami. Came directly from your sun. A tidal wave of radiation. Big, big, big! SPACE The TARDIS is thrown about in the tsunami. INT. TARDIS RORY: Ohh, Doctor, my tummy's going funny. DOCTOR: Well, the gyros are dissipated. Target-tracking is out. With a grunt, the DOCTOR throws a lever that does nothing. SPACE The TARDIS hurtles back down to Earth. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: Assume the position. With a scream, AMY sits in one of the chairs, hands over her head. RORY kneels on the floor, covering his head. They stop suddenly. AMY and RORY look up, panting. The DOCTOR stands there. DOCTOR: Textbook landing. EXT. ISLAND The TARDIS materializes on the island and the DOCTOR steps out and looks up at the weathervane at the top of the spire. DOCTOR: Behold! A cockerel. Love a cockerel. And, underneath, a monastery, 13th-century. AMY: Oh, we've gone all medieval. RORY: I'm not sure about that. AMY: Really? Medieval expert, are you? RORY: No, it's just that I can hear Dusty Springfield. In the background can be heard "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". They walk towards a stairway and see a hole in the ground with an exposed pipe. DOCTOR: These fissures are new. The solar Tsunami sent out a huge wave of gamma particles. This was caused by a magnetic quake that occurred just before the wave hit. AMY: Well, the monastery's standing. The DOCTOR takes a snow globe from his pocket and shakes it. DOCTOR: Yeah, for now. (studies globe and puts it away) RORY: Doctor, look. On the pipe are the words "DANGER Corrosive". DOCTOR: Ah, it's a supply pipe. (scans pipe) Ceramic inner lining. Something corrosive. They're pumping something nasty off this island, to the mainland. RORY: My mum's a massive fan of Dusty Springfield. DOCTOR: Who isn't? Right, let's go. Satisfy our rabid curiosity. The DOCTOR climbs the wooden stairs followed by AMY and RORY. EXT. MONASTARY COURTYARD, DAY Some of the buildings are in ruins but a large portion are inhabitable. AMY: So, where are these Dusty Springfield-loving monks, then? DOCTOR: (scans area with sonic) I think we're here. This is it. RORY: Doctor, what are you talking about? We've never been here before. The DOCTOR climbs another set of steps. AMY: We came here by accident. DOCTOR: "Accident"? Yes, I know. Accident. RORY touches one of the pipes running alongside the stairs and pulls his hand away. RORY: Ah! Ow! DOCTOR: Acid. They're pumping acid off this island. That's old stuff. Fresh acid? You wouldn't have a finger. The DOCTOR continues as AMY looks at RORY'S hand. An alarm blares. COMPUTER: Intruder alert. Intruder alert. The DOCTOR comes back. DOCTOR: There are people coming. Well, almost. AMY: Almost coming? DOCTOR: Almost people. The DOCTOR heads off and AMY follows. RORY: I think we should probably go. AMY: Come on! RORY: I'm telling you, when something runs towards you, it's never for a nice reason. AMY comes back and grabs him by the arm, dragging him along. INT. MONASTARY, HARNESS ROOM, DAY In the window alcoves are human-shaped harnesses, three of which are occupied by people in orange jumpsuits. The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY rush in. AMY: What are all these harnesses for? RORY: Uh, the almost people? AMY: What are they, prisoners? Or are they meditating, or what? DOCTOR: Well, at the moment, they fall into the "or what" category. COMPUTER: Halt and remain calm. DOCTOR: Well, we've halted. How are we all doing on the "calm" front? At that moment, JIMMY, BUZZER and the WOMAN enter the room. BUZZER and JIMMY have lances pointed at them. JIMMY: Don't...Move! BUZZER: Stay back, Jen. We don't know who they are. JENNIFER: So let's ask them. Who the hell are you? DOCTOR: Well, I'm the Doctor and this is Amy and Rory and it's all very nice, isn't it? AMY realizes that the people talking with them are duplicates of those in the harnesses. AMY: Hold up. You're all - what are you all, like, identical twins? Another MAN and WOMAN still in acid suits enter from behind them. WOMAN: This is an Alpha-grade industrial facility. Unless you work for the military or for Morpeth Jetson, you are in big trouble. DOCTOR: Actually, you're in big trouble. (shows psychic paper) WOMAN: Meteorological department, since when? DOCTOR: Since you were hit by a solar wave. WOMAN: Which we survived. DOCTOR: Just, by the look of it. And there's a bigger one on the way. WOMAN: Which we'll also survive. Dicken, scan for bugs. DICKEN holds up scanner. DICKEN: Backs against the wall. Now. The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY back up to the wall. DOCTOR: You're not a monastery. You're a factory. 22nd-century, army-owned factory. AMY: You're army? WOMAN: No, love, we're contractors and you're trespassers. DICKEN: (finishes scanning) It's okay, boss. WOMAN: All right, weatherman, your I.D. checks out. If there's another solar storm, what are you going to do about it, hand out sunblock? DOCTOR: (fake laugh) Ha ha ha ha. I need to see your critical systems. WOMAN: Which one? DOCTOR: You know which one. INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY Near one end of the room is a vat on a raised platform. In front of it on the floor is an open tub the size of a person. We hear liquid bubbling in the vat. The DOCTOR walks around to the opposite side of the vat and looks at the white liquid inside. DOCTOR: And there you are. WOMAN: Meet the government's worst-kept secret - the flesh. It's fully programmable matter. In fact, it's even learning to replicate itself at the cellular level. AMY: Right. Brilliant. Lost. WOMAN: Okay. Once a reading's been taken, we can manipulate its molecular structure into anything, replicate a living organism, down to the hairs on its chinny-chin-chin. Even clothes, and everything's identical - eyes, voice. DOCTOR: Mind, soul. WOMAN: Don't be fooled, Doctor. It acts like life, but it still needs to be controlled by us from those harnesses you saw. RORY: Wait, whoa-oa-oa, hold it. So... You're flesh now? WOMAN: I'm lying in a harness back in that chamber. We all are, except Jennifer, here. Don't be scared. This thing? Just like operating a forklift truck. DOCTOR: You said it could grow. Only living things grow. WOMAN: Moss grows. It's no more than that. This acid is so dangerous, we were losing a worker every week. So now, we mine the acid, using these doppelgangers, or "gangers." If these bodies get burnt or fall in the acid... GANGER BUZZER: Then who the hell cares? Right, Jen? JENNIFER: Well, the nerve endings automatically cut off, like airbags being discharged, except we wake up and get a new ganger. GANGER JIMMY: It's weird. But you get used to it. WOMAN: Jennifer, I want you in your ganger. Get back to the harness. The DOCTOR uses the sonic to scan the Flesh. GANGER BUZZER: Hang on. What's he up to? What are you up to, pal? The DOCTOR seems to struggle in order to move his arm. DOCTOR: Stop it. Ahh! (pulls arm back) Strange. It was like, for a moment there, it was scanning me. The DOCTOR puts the sonic back in his pocket and then reaches his hand out to touch the top of the liquid with his palm. WOMAN: Doctor. DOCTOR: Ahh. The DOCTOR'S hand shakes and he can't pull away. WOMAN: Get back, Doctor. Leave it alone! DOCTOR: Ahh! Ah! Ah! Gah! (pulls hand away) I understand. AMY: Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR: Incredible. You have no idea. No idea. I mean, I felt it in my mind. I reached out to it and it, to me. WOMAN: Don't fiddle with the money, Doctor. DOCTOR: How can you be so blinkered? It's alive, so alive. You're piling your lives, your personalities, directly into it. Lightning crashes as the DOCTOR takes out the snow globe again. The ground shakes. DOCTOR: It's the solar storm. The first waves come in pairs - pre-shock and full shock - it's close. WOMAN: Buzz, have we got anything from the mainland yet? GANGER BUZZER: No, the comms are still too jammed with radiation. WOMAN: Okay, then we'll keep pumping acid until the mainland says stop. Now, why don't you stand back and let us impress you. INT. MONASTARY, HARNESS ROOM, DAY JENNIFER runs her ID card through the scanner. COMPUTER: I.D. confirmed. Jennifer Lucas. JENNIFER: The meter is running. (scans palm) INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY Flesh starts pouring into the tub. INT. MONASTARY, HARNESS ROOM, DAY JENNIFER is in the harness doing a final check. JENNIFER: Cardio and spiritry... Online. Motor functions... Online. Plumbing in. JENNIFER lies back and is soon unconscious. INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY They watch the tub and soon a face begins to form. The mouth first and then the eyes. The Flesh then forms itself into JENNIFER except the face isn't fully defined. She sits up with a gasp, now fully formed. DOCTOR: Well, I can see why you keep it in a church. The miracle of life. GANGER BUZZER: No need to get poncey. It's just gunge. WOMAN: Guys, we need to get to work. GANGER JIMMY: Okay, everybody. Let's crack on. (helps GANGER JENNIFER get out) DOCTOR: Did I mention the solar storm? You need to get out of here. GANGER JIMMY: Well, where do you want us to go? We're on a tiny island. DOCTOR: Well, I can get you all off it. WOMAN: Don't be ridiculous. We've got a job to do. DOCTOR: It's coming. An alarm blares. GANGER JENNIFER: That's the alarm. DOCTOR: How do you get power? WOMAN: We're solar and we use a solar router. The weather vane. DOCTOR: Big problem. GANGER JIMMY: Boss, maybe if the storm comes back, we should get underground. The factory's seen better days. The acid pipes might not withstand another hit. WOMAN: We have 200 tons of acid to pump out. We fall behind, we stay another rotation. Anyone want that? DOCTOR: Please. (grabs the WOMAN by the arm and pulls her aside) You are making a massive mistake here. You're right at the crossroads of it. Don't turn the wrong way. If you don't - if you don't - prepare for this storm, you are all in terrible danger, understand? WOMAN: My factory, my rules. (walks away) DOCTOR: I need to check the progress of the storm. (snaps fingers) Monitoring station. GANGER JENNIFER hesitates. DOCTOR: (snaps fingers) Monitoring station! GANGER JENNIFER: Three lefts, a right, and a left. Third door on your left. DOCTOR: Thank you. The DOCTOR leaves followed by AMY and RORY. EXT. ISLAND, DAY We see the storm getting closer, light streaking across the sky. INT. MONASTARY, MONITORING STATION, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY enter the room as the building shakes from the storm. In the center is a circular bank of instruments. DOCTOR: The wave's disturbing the earth's magnetic field. There is going to be the mother and father of all power surges. You see this weather vane, the cock-a-doodle-doo? It's a solar router, feeding the whole factory with solar power. When that wave hits, kaboom. I've got to get to that cockerel before all hell breaks loose. (stops in the doorway and chuckles) I never thought I'd have to say that again. Ah. Amy, breathe. (leaves) AMY: Yeah! I mean, thanks, I'll try. AMY and RORY leave. EXT. MONASTARY BATTLEMENT, DAY The DOCTOR runs across to the tower upon which the solar router rests. INT. MONASTARY, HARNESS ROOM, DAY The Gangers watch as the electricity crackles around the room and the Originals rest in the harnesses. INT. BUILDING, TUNNELS, DAY One of the pipes cracks and begins spilling acid. EXT. ISLAND The pipe located by the TARDIS is also cracked and leaks acid into the ground. The TARDIS begins to sink. EXT. MONASTARY TOWER, DAY The DOCTOR climbs the ladder outside the tower and stops beside the power box, pulling it open with a grunt. INT. MONASTARY, HARNESS ROOM, DAY The Gangers continue to watch. EXT. MONASTARY TOWER, DAY Lightning strikes the tower and the DOCTOR falls to the battlement. INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY Electricity strikes the vat of Flesh and the power goes out. EXT. MONASTARY BATTLEMENT, DAY The DOCTOR comes to with a gasp and sits up. The top of the vane is gone. INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY AMY and RORY wake on the floor. RORY: Oh. For want of a better word - oww! EXT. MONASTARY COURTYARD, DAY The DOCTOR runs down the stairs and sees CLEAVES standing there, bewildered. DOCTOR: Cleaves, you're not in your harness! CLEAVES: I'm sorry, Doctor. You were right. DOCTOR: You've lost all power to the factory. CLEAVES: Doctor, I abandoned my team. DOCTOR: Then let's go get them. The DOCTOR takes CLEAVES by the hand and they go inside. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, DAY The DOCTOR walks with CLEAVES. DOCTOR: How long would you say we were unconscious for, Cleaves? CLEAVES: Not long. A minute, two minutes. DOCTOR: I'd hazard we've been out a teensy bit longer. CLEAVES: Well, how long? DOCTOR: An hour - I've seen whole worlds turned inside-out in an hour. A lot can go wrong in an hour. (continues on) CLEAVES sighs and follows. INT. MONASTARY, HARNESS ROOM, DAY AMY and RORY enter the room as the humans get out of the harnesses. BUZZER: I feel like I've been toasted. JIMMY: What the hell happened? AMY: The Tsunami happened. You're hurt. JIMMY: Well, it feels like the national grid's running through my bones, but, apart from that... BUZZER: I hope the meter's not bust. I still want to get paid. JENNIFER: Why-y-y? RORY sees JENNIFER by herself and goes over to comfort her. RORY: Jennifer! Jennifer? Hi. JENNIFER: It hurt so much. RORY: (hugs her) Hey, hey, it's okay, it's over. JENNIFER: I couldn't get out of my harness. RORY: Shh-shh-shh. JENNIFER: I thought I was going to die. RORY: Welcome to my world. (looks at AMY over JENNIFER'S head) The DOCTOR and CLEAVES enter the room. AMY: Doctor, look, these are all real people. So where are their gangers? CLEAVES: Don't worry, when the link shuts down, the gangers return to pure flesh. Now, the storm's left us with acid leaks all over, so we need to contact the mainland. They can have a rescue shuttle out here in no time. Dusty Springfield can be heard once again. JIMMY: That's my record. Who's playing my record? DOCTOR: Your gangers. They've gone walkabout. CLEAVES: No, it's impossible. They're not active - cars don't fly themselves, cranes don't lift themselves, and gangers don't - They turn to the sound of the music. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, DAY A record was playing on the turntable as they entered the room through the thick plastic strips. BUZZER: No way. CLEAVES: I don't - I don't believe this. JIMMY: They could've escaped through the service door in the back. BUZZER: This is just like the Isle of Sheppey. The DOCTOR sits at the table and looks at a house of cards. DOCTOR: It would seem the storm has animated your gangers. CLEAVES: They've ransacked everything. DOCTOR: Not ransacked, searched. CLEAVES: Through our stuff? DOCTOR: Their stuff. JIMMY: Searching for what? DOCTOR: Confirmation. They need to know their memories are real. BUZZER: Oh, so they've got flaming memories now. DOCTOR: They feel compelled to connect to their lives, yeah. CLEAVES: Their stolen lives. DOCTOR: No, bequeathed. You gave them this. You poured in your personalities, emotions, traits, memories, secrets - everything. You gave them your lives. Human lives are amazing. Are you surprised they walked off with them? BUZZER: I'll say it again - Isle of Sheppey. Ganger got an electric shock, toddled off, killed his operator, right there in his harness. I've seen the photos. This bloke's ear was - JIMMY: Even if this has actually happened, they can't remain stable without us plumbed into them - can they, boss? CLEAVES: I guess we'll find out. JENNIFER gasps and RORY is at her side. RORY: Are you okay? Do you need some water? JENNIFER: I feel funny. I need the washroom. (leaves) RORY: I'll come with you. (follows) DICKEN: (sneezes) Sorry. The DOCTOR leans forward and studies the cards. BUZZER: That's me. It's good to have a hobby. So, what, my ganger did that, all on its own? DOCTOR: Who taught you to do this? BUZZER: Me granddad. DOCTOR: Well, your ganger's granddad taught him to do it, too. You both have the same childhood memories, just as clear, just as real. BUZZER: No. (knocks down the cards) DOCTOR: They're scared, disorientated, struggling to come to terms with an entire life in their heads. INT. MONASTARY, WASHROOM, DAY RORY stands in the doorway while JENNIFER is at the sinks, looking in the mirror. RORY: The Doctor's always saying "don't wander off." First rule with him, actually, "don't wander off". JENNIFER: I just need a minute. RORY: Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah. Take all the time you need. I've got your back. You're fine. RORY turns his back to the room. As JENNIFER looks in the mirror, her face flashes to that of a Ganger. She gasps and coughs up what looks like Flesh. RORY: Uh, Jennifer? With a shuddering gasp, JENNIFER runs into one of the stalls and locks the door. RORY turns around. RORY: What's up, Jennifer? We'd, uh, better get going. (sets the light on the counter) Everything okay in there, Jen? RORY looks to the mirror and turns back to be punched in the jaw by a large fist. The arm attached to the fist extends back to the stall. On the floor, RORY watches the arm withdraw back to the stall. JENNIFER'S head comes out and her neck is long and snake-like. GANGER JENNIFER: (growls) Just let us live. RORY gets up off the floor, grabs the light and runs from the room. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, DAY The DOCTOR is at the microwave while the others are gathered around the table. JIMMY: We need to protect ourselves. DOCTOR: (puts a container of food into the microwave) Are you a violent man, Jimmy? JIMMY: No. DOCTOR: Then why would the other Jimmy be? CLEAVES: Don't tell me you can eat at a time like this, Doctor. DOCTOR: You told me that we were out cold for a few minutes, Cleaves, when, in fact, it was an hour. CLEAVES: Sorry, I just assumed - DOCTOR: Well, it's not your fault. Like I said, they're disorientated. Amy, when you got to the alcoves, who was in harness? The timer on the microwave goes off and the DOCTOR takes out the plate using a towel as he converses. AMY: Um, Jimmy and Dicken were helping Buzzer out. DOCTOR: Jennifer? AMY: She was standing on her own when we got to her. The DOCTOR hands the plate to CLEAVES and she holds it in her bare hand. DOCTOR: It's hot. CLEAVES hisses and drops the plate which shatters on the floor. CLEAVES: Ah. DOCTOR: The transmatter's still a little rubbery. (examines CLEAVES' hand) The nerve endings are not quite fused properly. GANGER CLEAVES: (pulls hand away) What the hell are you talking about? DOCTOR: It's okay. GANGER CLEAVES: Why didn't I feel that? DOCTOR: You will. You'll stabilize. GANGER CLEAVES: No, stop it. You're playing stupid games. Stop it! (turns her back on the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: (approaches GANGER CLEAVES) You don't have to hide. Please, trust me. I'm the Doctor. GANGER CLEAVES turns on the DOCTOR with a hiss, her face in its half-formed state. BUZZER grabs a knife from the table and heads towards her. JIMMY holds him back. BUZZER: Where's the real Cleaves, you thing?! What have you done with her?! DOCTOR: That's it, good. You remember. This is early flesh, the early stages of the technology. So much... (reaches out a hand to touch her and she shudders) to learn. AMY: Doctor, what's happened to her? DOCTOR: She can't stabilize - she's shifting between half-formed and full-formed. For now, at least. GANGER CLEAVES: We are living! GANGER CLEAVES lunges at the DOCTOR with a growl then runs from the room screaming. DOCTOR: Let her go. AMY: Doctor, Rory. DOCTOR: "Rory"? AMY: (turns around with arms up) Rory! DOCTOR: Oh, Rory. Rory! Always with the Rory! EXT. ISLAND, DAY RORY cautiously moves through the ruins. EXT. MONASTARY, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY and JIMMY exit one of the buildings to find their way blocked by acid on the ground. JIMMY: The explosion must've ruptured the acid feeds. We're going to need the acid suits. DOCTOR: No, no, no, we haven't got time. Back, back, back. They go in the opposite direction. EXT. ISLAND, DAY RORY is blocked by acid. He heads back the way he came. GANGER JENNIFER: Rory! RORY ducks behind some crates. GANGER JENNIFER walks by. GANGER JENNIFER: Rory?! Rory?! (she turns showing her half-formed face) INT. MONASTARY, WASHROOM, DAY JIMMY, the DOCTOR and AMY run into the washroom and the DOCTOR sees the hole in the stall door. AMY: Rory! DOCTOR: Of course. Jennifer's a ganger, too. AMY: Doctor, you said they wouldn't be violent. DOCTOR: But I did say they were scared, and angry. JIMMY: And early technology, is what you said. You seem to know something about the flesh. AMY: Do you? Doctor? JIMMY: You're no weatherman. Why are you really here? DOCTOR: I have to talk to them. I can fix this. (runs from the room) AMY follows. JIMMY: (following) Wait! What's going on? Where's the real Jennifer?! INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, DAY JENNIFER makes her way down some stairs, leaning against the wall, breath shuddering. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, DAY JIMMY, the DOCTOR and AMY reach the top of a set of stairs and as they head down the tunnel, steam bursts from a pipe. There is also acid on the ground. DOCTOR: It is too dangerous out here with acid leaks! AMY: We have to find Rory. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm going back to the TARDIS. Wait for me in the dining hall. I want us to keep together, okay? No more wandering off. AMY: And what about Rory? DOCTOR: Well, it would be safer to look for Rory and Jennifer with the TARDIS. JIMMY spots a box on the wall. JIMMY: Here we go. (opens the box and pulls out a large container) Distress flares. (closes the box and is startled by the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: Exit? JIMMY: Keep going straight, can't miss it. But you're never going to get your vehicle in here. DOCTOR: I'm a great parker. (leaves) AMY: (makes a face) Ew. JIMMY: We really need those acid suits. I've sent Buzzer and Dicken to get them. AMY: Fine and dandy. I'm just going to find my husband, so...cheers. JIMMY: But, Amy, I wouldn't - AMY: Nor would I. What can you do, eh? (heads down the tunnel) JIMMY: At least wait for an acid suit! INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, DAY In another section of tunnels, DICKEN and BUZZER creep along, watching out for acid and the Gangers. INT. MONASTARY, EXERCISE ROOM, DAY GANGER JENNIFER is sitting on a bench, her back to the door. RORY finds her and slowly enters the room. GANGER JENNIFER: When I was a little girl, I got lost on the moors. Wandered off from the picnic. I can still feel how sore my toes got inside my red Wellie boots. (she is holding a photo of JENNIFER as a child) And I imagined another little girl, just like me, in red Wellies, and she was Jennifer, too. Except she was a strong Jennifer, a tough Jennifer. She'd lead me home. (removes the photo and looks at her reflection in the glass before finding a recent picture of JENNIFER) My name is Jennifer Lucas. I'm not a factory part. I had toast for my breakfast, I wrote a letter to my mum, and then you arrived. (looks at RORY) I noticed your eyes, right off. RORY: Did you? GANGER JENNIFER: Nice eyes. Kind. RORY: (bends over) Where's the real Jennifer? GANGER JENNIFER: (stands) I am Jennifer Lucas. I remember everything that happened in her entire life. Every birthday, every childhood illness. I feel everything she's ever felt, and more. (cries) I'm not a monster! I am me! (sobs and beats her chest) Me! Me! Me! (changes to fully formed) RORY puts his hands on her shoulders. RORY: Hey. GANGER JENNIFER: Why did they do this to us? Help me, Rory. Help me. GANGER JENNIFER starts to cry. Not knowing what else to do, RORY hugs her. INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR enters the room and makes his way to the vat of Flesh. He takes out the sonic and uses it on the Flesh. The liquid in the vat begins to bubble. He then runs from the room. In the vat, a mouth appears at the surface. MOUTH: Trust me. EXT. ISLAND The DOCTOR stops and looks down. DOCTOR: Oh. What are you doing down there? The TARDIS has nearly completely sunk into the acid-saturated ground. DOCTOR: Really! The DOCTOR begins to reach into his pocket but stops when he realizes he is standing in a puddle of acid and the substance has been eating away at his boots. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, NIGHT DICKEN and BUZZER continue their search for the acid suits. EXT. ISLAND, NIGHT The DOCTOR leaves his boots and heads back up the stairs into the courtyard. INT. MONASTARY, LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT DICKEN and BUZZER enter the room. BUZZER: Clear. DICKEN opens the closet holding the suits to find it empty. BUZZER: Those damn gangers got to the acid suits. DICKEN: But there's acid leaking everywhere. Did you see the boss' eyes, back there in the hallway? BUZZER: I've never seen a ganger look at me like that. DICKEN: I don't know what they are now, but... They ain't us. (sneezes) INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM. NIGHT Propped by the vat are the acid suits. As the door opens, the Ganger duplicates of Buzzer, Jimmy, and Dicken stand and look up as GANGER CLEAVES enters. GANGER CLEAVES: We have the advantage now. We have the acid suits. We can move freely, strike at will. EXT. MONASTARY COURTYARD, NIGHT RORY walks with GANGER JENNIFER. RORY: Are you sure you're feeling better? No more super-elastic punches? GANGER JENNIFER: I'm...different now, stronger. RORY: The Doctor won't hurt you. He wants to help, Jennifer, okay? GANGER JENNIFER: You used my name. You used my name! Thank you! (kisses him on the cheek) Amy's a lucky girl. RORY: Yeah...she is. (sighs) Let's go. They walk past a stairway and don't notice CLEAVES. She waits for them to go by before running out. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, NIGHT AMY approaches a large wooden door at the end of the tunnel. AMY: Rory. Rory. AMY slowly opens the door and, as she peers inside, she sees the EYEPATCH LADY looking in on her before the panel slides closed. AMY gasps and slams the door closed. RORY: Amy! AMY whirls around with a gasp and then sighs when she sees who it is. AMY: You're okay. What happened? AMY walks towards RORY but stops when GANGER JENNIFER steps out from behind him. RORY: She needs protecting. DICKEN and BUZZER find them. DICKEN: Jen? AMY: No, it's a ganger. Rory, listen - RORY: No, you listen - nobody touches her! INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM. NIGHT The DOCTOR enters, looking around. He sees the acid suits. He continues looking at the floor and sees the legs of the Gangers. He looks up. DOCTOR: Hello. How are we all getting on? GANGER CLEAVES: Why don't you tell us? DOCTOR: Well, we have two choices. The first is to tear each other apart - not my favorite - the second is to knuckle down and work together. Try to work out how best we can help you. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, NIGHT The DOCTOR is walking with the Gangers who are in their full-form. DOCTOR: Now, I know it's hard for you to hold your fully human form, that's why you keep shifting between the flesh stages, but do try - it'll make the others less scared of you. The real CLEAVES watches as they walk past. GANGER CLEAVES stops. CLEAVES ducks back as her Ganger turns its head 180°. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, NIGHT GANGER JENNIFER is sitting on one side of the table, RORY stands beside her. Across from her are BUZZER, JIMMY and DICKEN. AMY stands across from RORY. BUZZER: Where's Jen? What have you done with her? GANGER JENNIFER: I haven't seen her. I swear. But, look, I'm her. I'm just like her. I'm real. JIMMY: You're a copy. You're just pretending to be like her. AMY: (whispers) Rory, um, we don't really know anything about them yet - RORY: Well - AMY: and - RORY: I know that she's afraid and she needs our help. AMY: Rory - GANGER JENNIFER: Jimmy, Buzzer, come on, you guys. We've worked together for two years. BUZZER: I work with Jennifer Lucas, not you. AMY: Okay, let's not do anything at all The DOCTOR enters the room. DOCTOR and AMY: Until the Doctor gets here. Hello. The four other Gangers enter behind him. JIMMY: This is - GANGER JIMMY: You're telling me. GANGER CLEAVES: All right, Doctor, you've brought us together - now what? DOCTOR: Before we do anything, I have one very important question - has anybody got a pair of shoes I could borrow? Size 10. Although I should warn you - I have very wide feet. INT. MONASTARY, LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES is angrily pulling items from her locker. CLEAVES: That's it, Doctor, befriend them, team up with them, why don't you? Make a football team. How about that? You're going to have us all together, singing campfire songs. Now that she has what she was looking for, CLEAVES slams the door. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR is sitting on the edge of the table and he's now wearing brown boots. Amy stands behind him. To one side are the Originals and on the other, the Gangers. GANGER JENNIFER stands next to RORY. DOCTOR: The flesh was never merely moss. These are not copies. The storm has hardwired them. They are becoming people. JIMMY: With souls? DICKEN: Rubbish. Ah-choo! GANGER DICKEN: Bless you. (GANGER CLEAVES looks at him) What? DOCTOR: We were all jelly, once. Little jelly eggs, sitting in goop. AMY: Yeah, thanks. Too much information. DOCTOR: We are not talking about an accident that needs to be mopped up. We are talking about sacred life. Do you understand? Good. Now, the TARDIS is trapped in an acid pool. Once I can reach her, I can get you all off this island, humans and gangers, eh, how does that sound? JIMMY: Can we get home for Adam's birthday? GANGER JIMMY: What about me? He's my son, too. JIMMY: You? You really think that? GANGER JIMMY: I feel it. JIMMY: Oh, so you were there when he was born, were you? GANGER JIMMY: Yeah. I drank about 8 pints of tea and they told me I had a wee boy and I just burst out laughing. (laughs) No idea why. I miss home. As much as you. DOCTOR: Look, I'm not going to lie to you. It's a right odd mess, this. But, as you might say up north, "oh, well, I'll just go to t' foot of the stairs." Ha ha ha. Eh, bye-bye, gone. Or not. Good. Right. The first step is we get everyone together, then get everyone safe, then get everyone out of here. AMY: But we're still missing Jennifer and Cleaves. JIMMY: I'll go and look for them. (heads for the door) GANGER JIMMY: I'll give you a hand, if you like. (joins him) Cover more ground. JIMMY: Yeah. Okay. Thanks. With everyone watching both Jimmys, they don't see CLEAVES enter behind them. CLEAVES: This circus has gone on long enough! There is a crackle of electricity from the device in her hand. GANGER CLEAVES: Oh, great. You see, that is just so typically me. CLEAVES: Doctor, tell it to shut up. DOCTOR: Please, no. No! No! CLEAVES: Circuit probe. Fires about, oh, 40,000 volts. It would kill any one of us, so I guess she'll work on gangers, just the same. DOCTOR: It's interesting you refer to them as "it," but you call a glorified cattle prod a "she." CLEAVES: When the real people are safely off this island, then I'll happily talk philosophy over a pint with you, Doctor. AMY: What are you going to do to them? CLEAVES: Sorry, they're monsters, mistakes. They have to be destroyed. DOCTOR: Give me the probe, Cleaves. GANGER CLEAVES: We always have to take charge, don't we, Miranda? Even when we don't really know what the hell is going on. GANGER BUZZER charges at CLEAVES and she fires at him three times. He falls to the ground. The DOCTOR runs over to him and kneels. DOCTOR: Stop! Oh! Ah! He's dead! CLEAVES: We call it "decommissioned." CLEAVES moves the probe around in the air and JENNIFER gasps and ducks when it is aimed in her direction. DOCTOR: You stopped his heart. He had a heart! Aorta, valves - a real, human heart! And you stopped it. RORY: Jen? GANGER JENNIFER: What happened to Buzz will happen to us all, if we trust you! DOCTOR: (stands) Wait, wait. Just wait. RORY: No! RORY rushes at CLEAVES and knocks her to the ground. He takes the probe away from her. The Gangers take advantage of the situation and run from the room. CLEAVES: You idiot! DOCTOR: Wait! RORY gets up as does CLEAVES. DOCTOR: Look at what you've done, Cleaves. CLEAVES: If it's war, then it's war. You don't get it, Doctor. How can you? It's us and them now. (turns to JIMMY, DICKEN and BUZZER) Us... And them. DICKEN: Us and them. JIMMY: (sighs) Us and them. The DOCTOR sighs, unhappy at the turn things have taken. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM. NIGHT The Gangers are now back to their half-form faces. GANGER JIMMY passes out the acid suits. Up the steps by the door, GANGER JENNIFER speaks to them like she's on a pulpit. GANGER JENNIFER: You tried, we all tried, and look what they did. Us and them now. GANGER JIMMY: Us and them. GANGER DICKEN: Us and them. GANGER CLEAVES: Jennifer. GANGER JENNIFER: Buzzer warned you it was a trick, and now, he's dead. If we want to live, then it's time to go to war. I'll take care of the spare one running around out there. (leaves) INT. MONASTARY, FLESH ROOM, DAY JENNIFER limps into the room. Facing her, a hand leans into one of the pillars. VOICE: Trust me. JENNIFER sees and runs from the room, terrified. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, NIGHT AMY and RORY are kneeling on the floor having a whispered discussion as they cover up GANGER BUZZER. BUZZER, JIMMY and CLEAVES are also having their own conversation. RORY: (whispers) Don't be like that. She's real. JIMMY: (whispers) You killed him. DOCTOR: The most fortified and defendable room in the monastery? Cleaves! The most fortified and defendable room in the monastery? CLEAVES: (turns to the DOCTOR) The chapel. DOCTOR: Thank you. CLEAVES: Only one way in, stone walls, 2 feet thick. DOCTOR: You've crossed one hell of a line, Cleaves. You've killed one of them. They're coming back. In a big way. EXT. MONASTARY, NIGHT Three of the remaining Gangers clad in acid suits march through the ruins toward their enemies. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, NIGHT The Original JENNIFER walks cautiously through the tunnels. DOCTOR: Jennifer! JENNIFER: Rory? JENNIFER limps along, panting. She neglects to look up where GANGER JENNIFER is pressed against the ceiling. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, NIGHT In another section of the tunnels, the others rush towards the chapel. JIMMY: What about the flares? DOCTOR: We'll worry about the flares when we're locked inside. The three humans rush through leaving the DOCTOR, AMY and RORY. DOCTOR: Rory Pond. RORY hears JENNIFER scream and hesitates. AMY: Rory? Come on. RORY: Jen's out there. She's out there and she's on her own. (heads down the tunnel) DOCTOR: Well, if she's got any sense, then she's hiding. Rory! RORY: I can't leave her out there! DOCTOR: Rory! RORY: I know you understand that. AMY: Get in here. Get in here! The Gangers arrive through the other end of the hallway. RORY dashes off through a side corridor. CLEAVES: There they are! DOCTOR: Amy. The DOCTOR grabs AMY by the arm and pulls her through the doorway. AMY: Rory! The DOCTOR slams the door. INT. MONASTARY, CHAPEL, NIGHT The DOCTOR grips AMY by the arms as the other block the door with what they can find. DOCTOR: Amy, Amy, they are not after him, they're after us. From one of the dark corners comes a voice. VOICE: Why? Why? DOCTOR: Show yourself. Show yourself! VOICE: Ah! INT. MONASTARY, TUNNELS, NIGHT RORY runs through the tunnels. RORY: Jennifer! INT. MONASTARY, CHAPEL, NIGHT They are building a blockade against the door. The DOCTOR cautiously approaches the corner. AMY: Doctor! CLEAVES: Pass me the barrel. DICKEN: We need something heavy. Anything you can find. AMY watches the DOCTOR. JIMMY: (laughs) This is insane. We're fighting ourselves. DOCTOR: Yes, it's insane and it's about to get even more insanerer. Is that a word? Show yourself! Right now! AMY: Doctor! We are trapped in here and Rory is out there, with them. Hello! We can't get to the TARDIS and we can't even leave the island. The DOCTOR speaks but his lips don't move. He seems just as stunned as the others. DOCTOR: Correct, Pond. It's frightening, unexpected, frankly, a total, utter, splattering mess on the carpet, but I'm certain, 100% certain, that we can work this out. (from the shadows emerges a GANGER DOCTOR with a half-formed face) Trust me. I'm the Doctor.
Plan: A: a "solar tsunami; Q: What is the TARDIS caught in? A: a 22nd century monastery; Q: Where does the TARDIS crash land? A: a factory; Q: What has the monastery been turned into? A: the deadly acid; Q: What is the factory in the 22nd century used to pump off an island? A: Gangers; Q: What are the doppelgängers created by Miranda Cleaves called? A: the Flesh; Q: What is the self-replicating fluid used to create Gangers called? A: dangerous duties; Q: What can Gangers safely operate through? A: official orders; Q: What does Miranda Cleaves need to heed the Doctor's warning about the solar storm? A: the solar connector; Q: What does the Doctor attempt to disconnect? A: an electrical strike; Q: What knocks everyone unconscious? A: the crew's Gangers; Q: Who becomes sentient after the electrical strike? A: the humans; Q: Who are the Gangers planning on killing? A: the monastery; Q: Where do the humans go to find safety? A: whose estranged Ganger; Q: Who is hunting Jennifer? A: the chapel; Q: Where do Amy and the Doctor discover a Flesh version of the Doctor? Summary: Caught in a "solar tsunami", the TARDIS crash-lands on a 22nd century monastery which been turned into a factory for pumping the deadly acid off an island. The crew of the factory, headed by Miranda Cleaves, creates doppelgängers (called " Gangers ") of themselves using a self-replicating fluid known as the Flesh, which they can safely operate through dangerous duties and are disposable. Cleaves refuses to heed the Doctor's warning about the solar storm until she receives official orders. The Doctor attempts to disconnect the solar connector, but an electrical strike knocks everyone unconscious and have caused the crew's Gangers to become sentient, and the Gangers are planning on killing the humans. As the Doctor herds the humans to a safe place in the monastery, Rory leaves to find Jennifer, whose estranged Ganger is hunting her. In the chapel, Amy and the Doctor discover a Flesh version of the Doctor.
Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: It's an outrage. Leonard: I know. Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it. Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon. Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get. Leonard: Oh, my God, they're just making you use your vacation days. Sheldon: But I don't want a vacation. Leonard: Okay, listen, I don't mean to diminish what you're going through, but I'm a little distracted right now. Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn't say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days? Leonard: It doesn't. Sheldon: Thank you. Leonard: I'm gonna go talk to Penny. Sheldon: I'm going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hey. Penny: Look, I'm sorry I didn't text you back. I just needed some time to think. Leonard: Okay. Penny: Yeah. Come in. Leonard: Look, if you want to break up, just say it. Penny: Leonard... Leonard: No, no, no, no. I take it back. Don't say it. Just, just hate me, but stay with me. It worked for my parents. Penny: Listen, I don't want to break up with you. Leonard: Oh. Oh, okay. Good, good. So, it's cool if I cry a little? Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn't. Leonard: Yeah. Penny: Look, you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. I was just frustrated because my career is going nowhere. Leonard: Look, I get it, and I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do. Penny: Great, because I've been thinking, if I really want this acting thing to work, I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that, I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Wow. That, that's a big step. Penny: I know. Leonard: So, well, before making any rash... Penny: I already quit. Leonard: And I support you. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you. Leonard: No. You're on vacation. Sheldon: Please. What if there's a big breakthrough in science today and I'm not there to see it? Leonard: Do you really think there's gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it? Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you. Leonard: Bye. Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you. Leonard: No. Sheldon: Please. Leonard: No. Sheldon: Too bad. I'm coming with you. Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, stay. Sheldon: But. Leonard: I said stay. I'm going to work. Do not follow me. Scene: The comic book store. Bernadette: Hey Stuart. Stuart: Hey. Bernadette: Sorry. Did I startle you? Stuart: Yes, but at this point, pretty much any customer does. What can I do for you? Bernadette: Well, I need a little help. I accidentally destroyed one of Howard's comic books this morning, and was hoping I could replace it. Stuart: Wow. What happened? Bernadette: Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron. Stuart: Well, don't let The Riddler know that. It's a comic book joke. Or maybe it's not. Bernadette: Do you have this one? Stuart: Uh, well, it's, it's pretty rare. Can you give me a few days to track it down? Bernadette: Ooh, I was kind of hoping to get it before Howie comes home from work. Stuart: Oh. What's the hurry? Bernadette: Well, he's always saying I should be more careful with my curling iron, and it seems like a dangerous precedent to let him think he can be right. Stuart: Well, I'll do what I can, but I can't make any promises. Bernadette: You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company. If you can make this happen today, I can hook you up with anxiety medication, antidepressants. Stuart: Really? Do you have any of these? Scene: Amy's laboratory. Amy: Hello, Mr. Rat Brain. Not so bitey without the rest of the rat to back us up now, are we? Howard: Anybody home? Amy: Hey, what brings you guys here? Raj: Well, we were just on our way to lunch and wanted to see if you'd like to join. Amy: Why? Because Sheldon's not here this week, and you don't think I have any other options? I'm just kidding. I'll get my purse. Bert: Hi, Amy. I, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had any company. Amy: That's okay. Uh, Bert, this is Howard and Rajesh. Guys, this is Bert. Howard: Hi. Raj: Hey. Good to see you. Bert: Anyway, I wanted to show you this tourmalinated quartzthat we got in the lab. Amy: This is so pretty. Bert works for the geology department. Bert: Yeah. You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common? Howard: You're both into rock? Bert: Yeah. Well, see ya. Amy: Oh, you forgot your quartz. Bert: Oh, it's okay. I want you to have it. Bye. Amy: He's nice. Howard: Yeah, he's nice because he likes you. Amy: What?! No, he doesn't. Raj: He brought you a pretty rock. Amy: So? He does that every day. Oh. Howard: You know, if you'd rather skip lunch and hang out with your boyfriend Bert, it's totally okay. Amy: He's not my boyfriend. Raj: Are you sure? He's tall, pale and awkward. That sounds like your type. Amy: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me? Raj: Yeah, grow up, Howard. God. Amy: What do I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. Howard: Maybe the problem is he thinks you're available. Does he know you're dating Sheldon? Amy: I guess it hasn't come up. Howard: There you go. Raj: And does Sheldon know you're dating Sheldon? Amy: I'm sorry. Who are you dating? Raj: Yeah, knock it off, Howard. Scene: The stairwell. Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hello. Penny: You okay? Sheldon: I'm on vacation. What do you think? Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell? Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay. Penny: Oh. Well, good boy. Sheldon: Where are you going? Penny: Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class. Sheldon: Well, have fun. Penny: Okay. You want to come with me? Sheldon: Really? Penny: Come on, boy. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Get in the car. Come on. Scene: The comic book store. Stuart (on phone): All right, thanks a lot. They have one at Capital Comics. Bernadette: Oh, that's great. Stuart: No, it's not. I hate that place. Guy who owns it is a jerk. He's always making me feel bad about myself. Bernadette: Oh, that's terrible. What's the address? Stuart: You know, why don't I just take you there? That way, I can make sure he doesn't rip you off. Bernadette: Oh, thanks, but I don'twant you to close up. I mean, won't you lose business? Sorry. That was mean. Scene: The cafeteria. Amy: Penny really quit The Cheesecake Factory? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: So, what is she doing today? Leonard: I don't know. She already thinks I don't support this, so if I call, it might look like I'm checking up on her. Raj: Well, do you support this? Leonard: Of course I do. She's a great actress. I'm proud she's taking this risk. Amy: That's nice. Leonard: You bought that? Great. I got to call her before I forget how I said it. Hey. Penny: Hi. What's up? Leonard: Oh, how's it going? You taking Hollywood by storm? Penny: Actually, I'm at The Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: You got your job back. That is great news. I didn't want to say anything, but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane. Penny: Yeah. I'm just returning my uniform. Leonard: And I support you. Scene: Penny's car. Voice: Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment. Sheldon: Okay. I'm inside the CERN super collider. Voice: Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out. Sheldon: Wow. Didn't see that coming. Voice: In. Sheldon: Let me guess. Voice: And out. Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where's my lemonade? Penny: I didn't get it. Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time. Penny: Do you think quitting my job was a mistake? Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade? Penny: No. I'm serious. Sheldon: Why do you ask? Penny: Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not? Sheldon: No, I don't think you are. Penny: Really? Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn't take some other job in case it didn't work out. Which wasn't easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year. Penny: Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can't Leonard understand it? Sheldon: Because he's not like us, Penny. We're dreamers. Penny: Yeah, I need to start cracking the window when I leave you in the car. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Amy's laboratory. Bert: Hey. Amy: Hello, Bert. Bert: So, anyway, there's this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica. Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I, I have a boyfriend. Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show. Amy: Weren't you? Bert: Yeah. Amy: That's very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend. Bert: That's what you all say. You just don't want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality. Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you. Bert: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me. Amy: Don't say that. Bert: It's okay. I know I'm a monster. Amy: No, Bert, come on. I'd love to go to the mineral show with you. Bert: Sweet. It's a date. Amy: No, it's not. Bert: Too late. Scene: Capital Comics. Bernadette: Wow. Stuart: Yeah. Haven't seen this many people in my store since that Korean church bus crashed through my front window. Jesse: Hey, Stuart. Stuart: Jesse. Jesse: Haven't seen you in forever. Look how grey you've gotten. Stuart: My hair's exactly the same colour as always. Jesse: No, I was talking about your skin. Stuart: Look, uh, my friend here needs a comic book. Jesse: Ooh, and she went into your store by mistake. Good thing there was no one there to see you. What do you need? Oh, yeah, yeah. I got this. Right over here. Stuart: Even you, Sweatpants? Sweatpants: Free popcorn. Jesse: Can I offer you a coffee? Espresso? Latte? Bernadette: No, thanks. Jesse: How about you, Stu? Mocha? Scone? Directions to the nearest soup kitchen? Bernadette: Hey. Jesse: I'm just kidding. He knows where the soup kitchen is. Stuart: It's on Merton Avenue. Bernadette: I don't think I like the way you're treating my friend. Jesse: Sorry. You want the book or not? Bernadette: Not from you. Let's go, Stuart. Stuart: You know something, Jesse? You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important. Jesse: What's that? Stuart: Friendship. Which I would trade in a heartbeat for all of this. Scene: Amy's laboratory. Howard: The mineral and rock show? That would be awful even without Bert. Amy: So what am I supposed to do now? Raj: Prepare your uterus for his gigantic offspring? Amy: This isn't funny. I'm gonna have to tell him the truth, that even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I wouldn't be interested in him. Howard: Oh, I've heard those words so many times. From Linda Nosenchuck, Tammy Rosenworcel. Raj: Padma Kapur, Neha Chowdury. Howard: Marci Grossman, Lisa Mazzarino. Raj: Megan Pincus. Howard: Tammy Cho. Raj: Oh, who was that girl from our Starbucks? Howard: Arlene Russel. Raj: Yes. Arlene. She wrote no way on both our cappuccinos. Howard: Poor Bert. That guy's got a rough afternoon ahead of him. Amy: Well, how would you want a girl to tell you she wasn't interested? Raj: I guess, uh, I'd like her to sit me down, look me in the eye and say, I was wrong. I love you. And then maybe she could touch me in a special way. Howard: That's how you reject a guy. Amy: Okay, I don't have time for this. I'm just gonna go find him and be brutally honest. Howard: No, don't. Raj: He'll be so upset. He'll probably climb up the Empire State Building and start swatting at planes. Howard: You want us to talk to him? Amy: Really? You would do that? Raj: Sure. We've both been in his shoes. We'll let him down with compassion and respect. Amy: Thank you. Howard: Let's go. Raj: So we tell him she's a lesbian, right? Howard: Of course we tell him she's a lesbian. Scene: The apartment. Penny and Sheldon are doing yoga. Penny: And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let's try Warrior 2. And hold. Sheldon: I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals. Penny: Yeah, well, I don't think we're gonna get to do that today. Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze. Leonard: Oh, hey. Penny: And now we go to Reverse Warrior. Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga? Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda. Penny: I'm helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me. Leonard: Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you. Penny: Sheldon, take a break. Sheldon: Namaste. Penny: Okay, if you support me, what was with that phone call? Leonard: Fine. I'm not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn't you ask me before you did it? Penny: Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job? Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we're actually in. Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do. Sheldon: I'm willing to if you guys are. Leonard: Can we please have some privacy? Sheldon: Y, No. I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it's high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Penny? Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing? Leonard: For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever. Sheldon: Good. Now we're getting somewhere. Penny: Look, I know you think I'm being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot. Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22. Leonard: I swear, I am on your side. Penny: You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it. Sheldon: He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it? Leonard: Listen, I could never do what you're doing, okay? I would be terrified. Penny: Well, it's scary for me, too. Sheldon: I'm fine with it. Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you. Penny: Okay. Thank you. Sheldon: Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let's all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you'll need a straw. Scene: Capital Comics. Jesse: You're back. Bernadette: Yes, I am, there's a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart's store is just fine, and he's a much nicer person than you are, and if you still have that comic, I'd like to buy it right now. Jesse: No problem. Oh, you want a latte while you wait? Bernadette: No, I don't want a latte. I want a cappuccino and a blueberry scone. Jesse: I only have chocolate chip. Bernadette: Well, that sounds even better. Scene: Bert's car. Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me. Raj: We're sorry Amy didn't want to go. Howard: Really, really sorry. Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-o-ow!
Plan: A: her drunk proposal; Q: What event caused Penny to quit the Cheesecake Factory? A: the right thing; Q: What does Penny say Leonard did to stop her? A: the Cheesecake Factory; Q: What did Penny quit to focus on her acting career? A: her quitting; Q: What does Leonard not like about Penny's decision to leave the Cheesecake Factory? A: Meanwhile Sheldon; Q: Who tagging along with Penny? A: vacation time; Q: What is Sheldon forced to take? A: his life; Q: What did Sheldon dedicate to becoming a physicist? A: a risk; Q: What does Leonard say he could not take like Penny? A: Geologist Bert; Q: Who brings Amy rocks to hit on her? A: pretty rocks; Q: What does Bert bring Amy to hit on her? A: each day; Q: How often does Bert bring Amy rocks to hit on her? A: a "mineral and rock show; Q: What is Amy guilt-tripped into attending with Bert? A: Stuart; Q: Who does Bernadette go to for help when she accidentally damages one of Howard's comic books? A: a rival store; Q: Where does Stuart take Bernadette to get help with a comic book? A: Jesse; Q: Who is the owner of the comic store that Bernadette visits? A: the comic; Q: What does Bernadette buy from Jesse after she scolds him? A: Jesse's store; Q: Where does Bernadette go to berate Jesse? Summary: The day after her drunk proposal, Penny admits to Leonard that he did the right thing stopping her, and that she has quit the Cheesecake Factory to concentrate on her acting career. Despite saying he supports her, Leonard is not thrilled with her quitting. Meanwhile Sheldon, forced into taking vacation time, ends up tagging along with Penny. He says he supports her decision, comparing it to his devoting his life to becoming a physicist. Leonard eventually says that though he could not take a risk like hers, he is proud of Penny for doing so. Geologist Bert brings Amy pretty rocks each day to hit on her. She is oblivious until Howard and Raj point it out. Despite telling Bert she has a boyfriend, Amy is guilt-tripped into attending a "mineral and rock show" with him. Howard and Raj talk to Bert to get Amy out of it, and they attend the show with Bert instead. Bernadette accidentally damages one of Howard's comic books, and heads to Stuart for help. As he does not have the issue, he reluctantly takes her to a rival store. The owner, Jesse, insults Stuart, so Bernadette scolds Jesse and leaves without the comic. She later returns to Jesse's store alone and continues to berate him, nevertheless purchasing the comic.
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode transcribed by Joan the English Chick. •I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser Riley talking to Xander. RILEY: Buffy's like nobody else in the world. But she doesn't love me. GILES: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Riley in fatigues. RILEY: What have you done to me? Riley strapped into a chair in the Initiative, reaching for a piece of glass on the nearby table. ADAM VOICEOVER: Professor Walsh. She implanted the behavior modifier. RILEY VOICEOVER: The chip in my head. ADAM VOICEOVER: Actually, the chip is here... Riley stabbing himself in the chest with the piece of glass. Adam pointing to Riley's chest. ADAM VOICEOVER: ... tied directly into your central nervous system through the thoracic nerve. Riley yanking the chip out of his chest. Riley pointing a gun at something. RILEY VOICEOVER: What's happening to me? Riley in Willy's bar, sweeping a bunch of glasses off the bar. Willow pulling back a curtain and jumping when she finds Riley behind it. BUFFY VOICEOVER: Engleman said Walsh was feeding you drugs. Buffy leaning over a sweaty Riley who's lying on Xander's couch. RILEY: Something's crawling inside me. INITIATIVE DOC: I don't want to think about the damage our guys could do under the stress of withdrawal. Buffy walking into Dawn's room. Buffy and Dawn looking at each other. JOYCE VOICEOVER: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister? Buffy and Dawn looking annoyed. BUFFY/DAWN: (unison) Mom! Dawn writing in her diary. DAWN VOICEOVER: Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a Slayer. Fade in on a graveyard, night. Camera pans across the crypts and finds Buffy crouched on top of one. She stands up, stake in hand. Looks around, leaps to the ground. Cut to Buffy running through the graveyard, pausing, looking around. A pair of arms bursts out of a fresh grave but Buffy stakes the vampire before it can finish coming out of the ground. Buffy straightens up, turns as another vamp emerges from another grave. She ducks his swing, throws a few punches, kicks him in the chest. He does a back-roll and comes up to his feet. Riley appears out of nowhere and throws the vamp aside. BUFFY: Riley? RILEY: (smiling) Buffy, what are you doing here? BUFFY: My job? RILEY: Well, I just thought you were in the north sector. BUFFY: Watch out! The vamp attacks Riley from behind. He kicks the vamp's legs out from under him and throws him aside. The vamp hits a crypt and slides down. BUFFY: Never mind. Riley punches the vampire, then stakes him. Shot of another vamp emerging from the ground. Buffy spots him and starts forward with a yell, raising her stake. Another person appears from the left side of the screen and tackles the new vamp, carrying him to the ground. Buffy looks bemused. BUFFY: Why do I even bother to show up? The two fighters get up and we see that the newcomer is Spike. He blocks a couple of punches from the other vamp, then grabs his arm. BUFFY: Spike, what are you doing here? SPIKE: Same thing as you and your Cub Scout here, I'll wager. He lands a few punches and the vamp goes down. Spike turns toward Buffy with a big grin. SPIKE: A spot of violence before bedtime. The other vamp punches him in the face and he goes down. He gets to his knees, wiping blood from his nose. The other vamp growls. Buffy rushes forward. Shot of Spike standing up, still wiping his nose with his hand. The other vamp attacks from the left. Buffy appears from the right, shoves Spike out of the way, and stakes the vamp. Spike exhales loudly, and Buffy gives him a dirty look. SPIKE: What? I softened him up. He wipes more blood from his nose, sniffs it, then licks it from his fingers. BUFFY: Better keep out of my way, Spike. I'm not gonna take this much longer. (Riley walks over to join them.) SPIKE: And I should do what in my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets? BUFFY: Would it keep you out of my way? RILEY: She's right. You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling. Buffy turns to Riley in exasperation as if she's going to say something, but she doesn't. SPIKE: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy's entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow. Riley looks annoyed. BUFFY: Spike ... I just saw you taste your own nose blood, you know what? (Spike grins at her) I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home. She stalks off. Riley gives Spike a dirty look, then follows. Spike looks injured. SPIKE: (yelling after them) It's blood! It's what I do! Cut to Buffy walking along, looking tired and annoyed. Riley catches up with her. RILEY: Hey, hope I didn't get in the way. He puts his arm around her. She gives a fake smile. BUFFY: Of course not. I-I was just ... startled. And, you know I don't ... love the idea of you patrolling alone. RILEY: Not much for bench-warming. BUFFY: No, you made the squad. You ... threw that vampire like he was a ... teeny-weeny little vampire. RILEY: (grinning) Hey, wanna go again? Come on, I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires. Buffy looks around. BUFFY: Nah. (pauses) Unless you wanna go back and kill Spike for the fun of it? Riley raises his eyebrows in a sort of shrug. They both turn and continue on their way. Cut back to Spike staring after them. SPIKE: I will know your blood, Slayer. (pause) I will make your neck my chalice ... and drink deep. He wipes blood from his nose again, turns, and tries to stride away purposefully, but he falls into an open grave. Long shot of the graveyard looking empty, with the open grave in the foreground. SPIKE: (voice coming from the grave) Ow! Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Mercedes McNab, Bailey Chase, Charlie Weber, Time Winters, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner, directed by David Grossman. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on a UC Sunnydale building filled with students walking around, talking, studying, etc. WILLOW: You can't possibly be arguing that Marat didn't betray the French Revolutionaries. We see Willow and Buffy walking through the halls. WILLOW: This was the guy who declared the rights of man, and then the next thing you know he's ... killing Girondin like it's going out of style. BUFFY: Will, you're totally missing my point. Now, I agree that Marat wasn't a real martyr, but the death in the tub ... the neck wound, all that blood, just a little more fang-y than knife-y. I mean, Charlotte Corday wasn't a real martyr either, but... WILLOW: Buffy! Willow stops walking and grabs Buffy's hand. BUFFY: What? WILLOW: (smiling hugely) Listen to us! We-we're arguing! We're having a debate about a college lecture! I have dreamt of this day since ... forever! (proudly) You are turning into quite the student. (Buffy smiles) Should I be watching my occipital lobe? BUFFY: Your what? WILLOW: Occipital. (pointing to her head) The lobe in the back of your brain. You know, like, "should I be watching my back?" But, you know, the ... back of your brain. (sighs) BUFFY: Apparently not. Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family. WILLOW: I don't know. You've been studying ... really a lot. BUFFY: I'm trying. But they're really piling on the reading, and Giles fills any free time I have with extra training ... I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work. WILLOW: Isn't it crazy like that? BUFFY: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies. You know, inspirational music ... a montage, me sharpening my pencils, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage I have glasses. (Willow nods) But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe. WILLOW: (sympathetic) Aw. Poor Buffy's brain. (Pats Buffy on the head) BUFFY: Actually, I'm heading to training now. Do you wanna come with? WILLOW: I'm in. (They start walking again) Maybe we can argue some more about the French Revolution. Hey! Wasn't that Robespierre the coolest? BUFFY: Robespierre? You're kidding me, right? WILLOW: I'm just gettin' it goin'. Cut to a shot of a circle saw cutting some wood. We hear Giles' voice indistinctly over the saw noise. The camera pulls back and we see it's Xander wielding the saw, wearing safety goggles, standing in the middle of the magic shop. Giles is behind the counter wearing a dust-mask, painting something. GILES: (muffled by the noise) It seems the plans worked perfectly. Xander stops the saw and unclamps the piece of wood from the vise. XANDER: Yes, blueprints, not a bad idea. That, and getting straight "measure twice, cut once." You know, for the longest time I had it backwards. Mess-y! Xander begins fitting the piece of wood into a bookcase(?) that he's working on. GILES: (pulling mask down from his mouth, so it hangs around his neck) Well, I must say, I'm very impressed. XANDER: Yeah, carpentry is pretty cool. Knock on the door. Giles goes to answer it. As he walks across the shop and the camera follows him, we see Tara standing by a small round table, wearing a long skirt, holding a deck of tarot cards. Then we see Anya moving stuff around on the shelves. ANYA: Oh! Who put the monkey heads near the Styx water? Do we *want* to pick exploded monkey out of our hair? (Picks up a jar and a monkey head, and walks across the room.) Giles opens the door. Willow and Buffy stand there, smiling. BUFFY: Trick or treat! GILES: Hello, you two, come on in. WILLOW: Thank you, kind proprietor. They enter. TARA: Hey, you. WILLOW: Hey! (looking around) Oh, wow, this place looks great. Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop. (picks up a jar from a table) Ooh. Are these real newt eyes? (Looks at Giles) GILES: No, too ... rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes, it's the ... cataracts which give them their newt-like appearance. (moving past her) They're really equally effective, though, it's ... just a matter of overcoming snobberies. We see Buffy putting her purse down, and Xander looking at a blueprint, holding a pencil. XANDER: I'm telling you Giles. You gotta set up a blind taste test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good. WILLOW: I don't know. If you ask me, the newt name still means something. (puts down jar and walks off) GILES: (to Buffy) You ready to train? BUFFY: You betcha. GILES: Shall we then? BUFFY: We shall then. They walk off toward the back. We see Willow sitting at the round table, with Tara standing beside her. A lot of tarot cards on the table. TARA: I just ... keep thinking how cool it would be, if we got a real psychic to sit up here and read fortunes and stuff. WILLOW: You should do it. TARA: Not me. But, but I'd love to, to watch and learn. From someone who's really good, you know? WILLOW: You're really good. (holds out her hands) I'll prove it. Here, do me. Tara nods and sits, putting down the cards, taking one of Willow's hands. Willow watches her study it. TARA: Hmm. WILLOW: What do you see? TARA: Willow hand. They both smile. Cut to Giles opening the door to the back as Buffy and Xander watch. Giles holds the door for Buffy. Shot of Buffy entering, looking around. Someone tackles her from the side, pulling her out of the shot so we see Giles and Xander behind, looking surprised. Buffy falls to the floor on top of Riley, who has his arms around her waist. BUFFY: Unh! Ow, Riley... They get up. RILEY: Just keeping you on your toes. BUFFY: Or off them, as it were. What's gotten into- She stops as she looks around the room and sees it for the first time. BUFFY: Oh my god. Look at this place! Long shot of the room. We see a punching bag hanging from the ceiling, a vault horse atop a set of mays, a stationary bike, and a scarecrow/dummy. In the background there's something that looks like a mini-fridge(?). Against the far wall there's a set of weights. Symbols are painted on the floor and walls. BUFFY: (gasps) Thank you. (looks up at Giles) Thank you ... so much. GILES: (removing his glasses and then the mask that's still around his neck) It's just a start, you need a proper space to train, so- BUFFY: I love it. (Giles gives a small smile) RILEY: (grinning) So come on, let's test this puppy out. Think you can take me? (throws a few fake punches at Buffy. She mostly ignores him, walking farther into the room.) What's the matter, afraid of a little competition? BUFFY: It must have been so much work. XANDER: I'm the dummy man. (coming forward) I mean, I ... made the dummy. (gestures at it) The thing that you hit that doesn't hit back. (shrugs, looking embarrassed) That, I made. BUFFY: It's great. (to Giles) I-it's all great. GILES: (putting his glasses back on) Well, you've earned it. Truly. BUFFY: Thank you guys so much. You're like my ... fairy godmother and Santa Claus and Q all wrapped up into one. Riley looks confused. BUFFY: Q from Bond, not Star Trek. Xander nods. BUFFY: I'm gonna go change. Cut to the graveyard, night. The camera pans jerkily across gravestones and bushes. We hear the sound of someone panting. The camera moves up the stairs leading into a crypt. Cut to Spike sitting in his crypt, watching TV. SPIKE: Oh Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you? Suddenly there's a banging on the door. Spike jumps up and turns off the TV. More banging and Harmony comes in, looking disheveled and nervous. She shuts the door behind her and presses her back against the wall. SPIKE: Well, well, well. Looky here. HARMONY: (anxiously) Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now ... with a stake! (Spike pretends to look shocked) She won't give up until she's killed me to death! SPIKE: (skeptical) Buffy's looking for you. HARMONY: Of course! (walks forward) That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis! SPIKE: Is that right. I must have missed the memo. HARMONY: There was a mem-? (sighs) Spike, oh my god! This is like a real emergency! Uhh! (Spike grins) I need a hideout so bad. You're my only hope. We're just gonna have to rise above ... our petty differences... (looks anxiously at Spike) Listen, Spike ... I'm desperate. SPIKE: (still grinning, looking her up and down) Desperate, are you? Harmony smiles a cajoling smile. HARMONY: Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything! SPIKE: Anything, will you? HARMONY: Yeah! I said I'll do anything. Spike raises his eyebrows. HARMONY: Ohhhh. You mean will I have s*x with you? (shrugs casually, like "duh") Well, yeah. Spike grins to himself as Harmony sits in his chair and takes out a cigarette. She begins flicking a lighter, trying to light it. She flicks it quite a few times before she finally figures it out and gets the cigarette lit. SPIKE: Taking up smoking, are you? Harmony leans back in the chair. HARMONY: I *am* a villain, Spike, hellooooo. (Takes a drag and starts to cough) SPIKE: I guess you are at that. What with the slayer on your tail and all. Harmony watches him warily. SPIKE: She's not the type to give up, either. She'll hunt you down, day and night, till you're too tired and too hungry to run any more. And then? (leans down to grab a handful of dust) Then... (dusting off his hands) that is you. Harmony looks upset. SPIKE: I guess you're gonna have to kill her. HARMONY: (whining) I tried! It was all hard and stuff! (sits up) You do it. SPIKE: (looking down at her) I'd love to. But, I can't. Remember? I've got this cute little government chip in my head. HARMONY: (sighs) Oh, right. Guess it'll have to be me after all. (looks up at Spike again) Can you help with the thinking? SPIKE: (nods) Yeah. I suppose I could do that. Harmony smiles and sits back again, putting the cigarette to her lips. Cut to Buffy and Riley lying in bed, side-by-side. Riley is tapping his hands agitatedly on his chest. Buffy gives a contented sigh. RILEY: Yeah. BUFFY: Mm, that was relaxing. She turns onto her side as if to sleep. Riley continues patting himself, looks over at her. RILEY: You, uh ... wanna relax some more? (Turns onto his side and snuggles up against her) BUFFY: Again? Right away again? Riley is kissing her bare shoulder. RILEY: Maybe you're too tired. BUFFY: Hey. (reaches behind her to caress his cheek) I have the endurance of ten men. RILEY: Let's make it women, okay? (Buffy laughs) Just for the imagery. BUFFY: Whatever. You know, it takes a lot to wear me out. (turns toward him) RILEY: Oh, I love a challenge. BUFFY: Mm. Buffy turns back onto her back and Riley moves on top of her. They kiss passionately. DAWN VOICEOVER: Well, wouldn't you? Cut to Dawn in Joyce's kitchen, pouring from a box of Sugar Bombs cereal. There are a number of bowls on the table in front of her. DAWN: Every kid tries to make the substitute cry. It's like a rite of passage. We see Joyce in the background, cooking over the stove. JOYCE: I certainly would not. Being a substitute is an *extremely* difficult job. Besides... (looks at the bowls) Honestly, Dawn, how many bowls of cereal are you planning on eating? DAWN: Oh, these aren't for eating. I'm just trying to get the extra out of the way so I could... (sticks her hand in cereal box, pulls out a toy) get this. (She smiles cheerfully at Joyce and sits down.) Anyway, (pointing to Joyce) I want eggs. JOYCE: You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You *are* growing up. All righty, half an omelette coming up. (Scooping the eggs onto two plates) DAWN: Oh, um, with ketchup if you please? JOYCE: Mm-hmm. Joyce turns away from the stove, holding the two plates. Suddenly she stops and blinks as if dizzy. Dawn looks up from unwrapping the prize. JOYCE: (confused) Oh, what is the... (looks at Dawn) Who are you? Dawn looks confused. Suddenly Joyce collapses to the floor, the plates shattering. Dawn jumps up in alarm. Shot of Joyce lying unconscious on the floor, surrounded by pieces of plates and food. Dawn backs away, panting fearfully, and grabs the telephone. She dials 911. Cut to a hospital emergency room. Double doors burst open and Buffy pushes in past some people, followed by Riley. Long shot down the hospital hall. We see Dawn sitting on a chair, fiddling with a stethoscope that's hung around her neck. Buffy rushes up to her. BUFFY: Hey. How's Mom? Are you okay? (Hugs Dawn) DAWN: I'm okay. MAN: And your mom's doing just fine. A young man in a white coat approaches. Buffy lets go of Dawn and stands up. DAWN: (still sitting) This is Ben. He gave me his stethoscope. BEN: *Lent* you his stethoscope. Buffy, right? (holds out hand) I'm Ben, I'm an intern here. I've had the pleasure of hanging out with the renowned Dr. Dawn here while your mom's being tested. (Buffy shakes his hand) RILEY: So what's goin' on? What happened? BEN: Well, she's doing okay now ... the doctors don't really know what caused the collapse... We see Dawn putting the stethoscope earpieces in her ears and tapping the end with her fingers. The voices fade out; we can still hear them, but they're muffled as they would sound to Dawn with the stethoscope in her ears. BEN: (muffled)... it could've just been a dizzy spell, low blood sugar, that sort of thing. BUFFY: But it's nothing bad. I, I mean it's not ... serious, right? BEN: (muffled) Very unlikely. So your mom doesn't have a ... history of fainting? We see Dawn putting the stethoscope to Ben's chest. We hear a normal heartbeat. BUFFY: (muffled) No. I mean, not that I know of. She's usually really healthy. BEN: (muffled) Well, I think they'll be running tests for a few more hours... We see Dawn putting the stethoscope to Buffy's chest. We hear a normal heartbeat. BEN: (muffled) ...then they'll probably want her to come back for some follow-up tests in a couple weeks, but it really doesn't look like anything too serious. BUFFY: Oh, thank god. I was freaking out. We see Dawn getting up and walking around them. BEN: (muffled) I think you'll be able to take her home before too long. RILEY: (muffled) Well, that is definitely good news. We see Dawn putting the stethoscope to Riley's chest. We hear a heartbeat that is much too fast and irregular. Dawn's eyes widen and she looks up at Riley's face. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on a hospital exam room. Riley sits on the exam table buttoning up his shirt. DOCTOR: I know I'm repeating myself here, but I don't know what else to say to convince you. We see Buffy watching as a female doctor talks to Riley. The doctor is writing on her clipboard. DOCTOR: I have never in all my years of medicine let a patient with tachycardia this severe leave a hospital. RILEY: You said you couldn't keep me. DOCTOR: Legally, no, I can't force you to do a thing. (Riley nods and resumes buttoning his shirt) But with that pulse, believe me, I'd get on my knees and beg you if I thought I could change your mind. RILEY: You can't. I'm going home. DOCTOR: And your friend here can't convince you to- Riley holds up a hand to stop her. RILEY: I'm going. Buffy looks very concerned. DOCTOR: All right then, but you're leaving against my recommendation. The doctor leaves. Riley looks at Buffy, then stands up. BUFFY: What's going on? What are you doing? What if you have a heart attack? RILEY: (puts hands on her shoulders) Listen to me. Calm down. BUFFY: *Me* calm down? I'm not the one with a pulse of a hundred and fifty. RILEY: My heart's different than yours, Buffy. It works differently now, but it's okay. BUFFY: But you're still a human, Riley. You could still have a heart attack. RILEY: I'm a human who was used as a lab rat for months. They look up as the door opens. Joyce and Dawn enter. JOYCE: Hi. BUFFY: Hey. How are you? (hurries over to hug Joyce) JOYCE: Oh ... embarrassed, mostly. I'm sorry to put you through this. But, no more tests, so you can take this pincushion home. RILEY: Yes. (comes forward) Let's, uh, get outta here. He holds the door for Joyce and Dawn. Buffy gives him a concerned look, then exits also. Riley follows. Cut to Joyce's living room. Joyce is lying on the sofa, sipping from a mug, with Buffy and Dawn sitting by her. Willow stands beside the sofa. WILLOW: What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it. JOYCE: Oh, no thanks, Willow. DAWN: I like chicken fingers with mustard when I'm sick. JOYCE: (puts mug on coffee table) I know you do, sweetie. I can make us some later. BUFFY: Oh, uh-uh. You are sitting right here on this couch today. JOYCE: I feel silly lying here like a lump! WILLOW: You could make a game out of it. A-a very quiet game, about being a lump. JOYCE: I feel fine. Honestly, I'm more concerned about Riley than I am about me. BUFFY: You shouldn't even be thinking about that. He's not worried, so I don't think we should be. Cut to Buffy's room. Buffy is pacing. Willow lies on the bed while Dawn sits on the floor, leaning against the bed. BUFFY: I don't get what he's thinking. (steps over Dawn as she paces around the bed) Why isn't he worried? WILLOW: Maybe he thinks his body can handle it. He *is* in really good shape. BUFFY: Nobody's body can handle a heart attack. (steps over Dawn to pace the other way again) WILLOW: I know. I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm trying too hard to make it okay. BUFFY: (sighs) I just keep coming back to the Initiative. Dawn watches her pace back and forth. WILLOW: It does have that icky government feel to it. DAWN: Did you know that one time the CIA tried to kill Fidel Castro with poisonous aspirin? BUFFY: Dawn, please. Dawn looks annoyed. Buffy sits on a chair. BUFFY: I know I have to do something, I just don't know what. DAWN: Another time the CIA- BUFFY: Dawn! DAWN: It's important. Buffy looks annoyed but nods. DAWN: (quickly) Tried to make Castro go crazy by putting itching powder in his beard. (Buffy raises her eyebrows accusingly) It's about the government! WILLOW: Call the Initiative. If they know what's wrong with him, they have to help. BUFFY: Yeah, but call them how? First of all, they don't exist any more, and secondly, they never *claimed* to exist in the first place. Willow looks defeated. BUFFY: (getting up) It's so unfair. I mean, i-it's like Big Brother can spy on you all the time, and-and the second I have something to say, no one will listen! DAWN: (muttering) Sounds more like Big Sister. WILLOW: There has to be a way. BUFFY: Like what? Take a tour of the White House and pretend to get lost, and look for some door with a sign on it that says "Secret Government Monster Hunters"? DAWN: If they're really spying on you all the time, you just say something so you know they'll hear you. (Buffy looks thoughtful) Like sometimes, I write fake things in my diary in case... (trails off) BUFFY: I gotta go. Uh, see you guys later. She grabs her bag and leaves. Dawn looks over at Willow. DAWN: What'd I say? Cut to Buffy entering Riley's room. We see a punching bag in the foreground. It's dark. BUFFY: Riley? No one's there. Buffy walks in, closing the door behind her. She picks up the phone and puts it to her ear. We hear a dial tone, alternating with clicking noises. BUFFY: (into phone) Riley's in trouble. He needs help. She hangs up. Fast music starts. Cut to Riley playing basketball with a bunch of other guys. They're all yelling. The camera moves very fast, as do the men, giving it all a dizzy frantic feeling. Riley is clearly playing very well. The other men shake their heads as the game ends. GUY: No way, man. RILEY: I'm out. He throws the ball to one of them. He's very sweaty. He turns and walks off. Riley walks past a bench where a guy is sitting. He glances at the guy, then away. RILEY: Graham. (Keeps walking) GRAHAM: Riley. (We see Graham sitting on the bench, talking over his shoulder) Can we talk? Riley bends over a water fountain and drinks. Graham gets up, gestures to two men standing nearby in button-down shirts. GRAHAM: Agent Goodman, Agent Brown. Riley walks toward Graham. RILEY: So talk. GRAHAM: What's goin' on, man? (Riley shrugs) You gotta get this taken care of immediately. We gotta get you into an operating room. RILEY: Very convincing. Makes me completely wanna put myself under government control. Graham stares Riley down with the two other agents behind him. Riley puts out his hands, in fists, with the wrists together, as if inviting handcuffs. RILEY: Please take me where they can make me unconscious and naked. GRAHAM: Hey, you think I'd pull something on you? RILEY: You're still in. I'm out. I don't know what orders you're following. GRAHAM: Oh, come on. You know Walsh pumped all those chemicals and crap into us. You got more than anyone. She messed us up bad. RILEY: (scornful) And now the government's knocking themselves out to kiss it and make it better. GRAHAM: Riley, I'm tellin' you, you need help. I'm not saying it to trick you. RILEY: (shakes head) Maybe you even believe it. GRAHAM: I know it. You don't want this. RILEY: You're sure you got the fix for it? GRAHAM: Yeah. We got a guy, a doctor. He's gonna take care of you, and we're going to him now. (Riley nods) I'm not givin' you a choice. RILEY: I guess you're not. Suddenly he punches Graham in the face. The other two agents grab both Riley's arms but he throws one of them off, knees the other one in the stomach and punches him. He blocks a kick from the first one, punches him, clotheslines him, throws the other one to the ground and runs off. Cut to interior of UC Sunnydale building. We see Buffy talking to Graham amid a crowd of students. Graham's face is bruised. BUFFY: So you messed up and now he's gone and when are you even gonna tell me what's wrong with him? GRAHAM: I'm not permitted to say. BUFFY: Say. GRAHAM: (sighs) Hyperadrenal overload and a bunch of stuff that sounds even worse than that, and all it means is he's way stronger than he oughta be and feeling no pain. His heart can't take it. We've been at him for weeks about it. Buffy sighs. GRAHAM: There's a specialist waiting at Sunnydale General, fourth floor neurology. Get Riley there. If you don't- BUFFY: I'll get him there. GRAHAM: (nods) I'll tell the doc. Buffy turns to walk off. Graham watches her go. GRAHAM: Buffy. She turns back. BUFFY: If you tell me to hurry ... I'll kick your ass. She walks off as Graham watches. Cut to shot of Sunnydale, evening. Fade to Riley walking through woods, approaching the entrance to a cave and entering it. Cut to interior of the magic shop. We see Willow and Tara sitting at the round table with Giles standing in the background. WILLOW: Poor Riley. GILES: Could he have simply gone back to his apartment? Giles walks toward them and we see Buffy standing beside the table. Xander and Anya are sitting across from Willow and Tara. BUFFY: No, he's not at his apartment, he's not at the gym, he's not at the library ... he's gone somewhere where he doesn't wanna be found. ANYA: So basically he's gone AWOL. BUFFY: Basically exactly. WILLOW: Poor Buffy. XANDER: Maybe he just needs some time alone. Like, I had this friend once, who really liked this girl, and ... he got all worried that maybe she didn't like him back... (Buffy and Giles look confused) and maybe that made him act like a total jerk. Maybe Riley reminds me of that friend. Anya smiles. WILLOW: What are you talking about? XANDER: Then again, maybe not. Maybe he just wants attention. BUFFY: Well, here's a hot tip, if you want attention? *Be* there so people can give it to you. ANYA: (softly) I care about you, Xander. XANDER: (smiles confusedly) Thanks. ANYA: (smiles) Don't be insecure. XANDER: (shrugs, shakes his head) Thanks ... I won't. ANYA: And, I also have this "friend" (making air-quotes) and, uh, I have it on really good authority that she really likes that guy, your "friend" (air-quotes) ... and, by the by, my friend- BUFFY: You guys, enough! (Anya and Xander look embarrassed) Okay, Riley is in real danger here. (sighs) Anya, Xander, why don't you guys check the docks. Anya and Xander nod. XANDER: Aye aye. They get up and leave. WILLOW: Tara and I can scope out the burned-out school. Riley hid there once. Maybe he ... feels it's homey or something. BUFFY: (thoughtful) Homey. You know what else he might find homey in a ... dank, unpleasant evil sort of way? (Giles sits in Xander's vacated seat) The Initiative caves. I don't know them too well. GILES: (sipping tea) We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his ... melanin-deprived hand. BUFFY: (sighs) I *so* don't want to deal with Spike right now. That guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I wanna shove something wooden through his heart" kinda way. WILLOW: He does seem extra twitchy lately. Maybe the whole not killing is gettin' to him. BUFFY: Plus hanging out all day in that moldy crypt, you just *know* he's doing something nasty. Cut to Spike sitting with Harmony in the crypt. SPIKE: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox? HARMONY: (smiling) No. Four left. SPIKE: So it's smaller than a breadbox. HARMONY: (giggling) No! Only three! SPIKE: (quietly annoyed) Harmony ... is it a sodding breadbox? HARMONY: (clapping and laughing) Yes! Oh my god! Someone's blondie bear is a twenty-question genius! Banging on the door. Harmony stops laughing and looks scared. HARMONY: She's found me! She jumps up and runs over to a coffin, climbs into it. Spike follows and slides the lid onto the coffin, then sits on top of it trying to look casual. Buffy busts the door open and strides in. BUFFY: I've got a proposition for you. SPIKE: (jumping off the coffin) Funny, I've got a proposition for you, what about knocking? (Buffy ignores him, pulling out a wad of cash and unfolding it) Seems only fair since we vamps can't enter your flat without an invite, you could at least - Say, look at those pretty pieces of paper. BUFFY: Riley's sick with some Initiative thing and he's missing. I think he might be in the caves. You find him, bring him to the fourth floor of the hospital, their doctors get to him in time... (holds up the money) you get the cash. SPIKE: Oh, dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die? Buffy slaps him across the face. BUFFY: He is not the only person that can die. SPIKE: Hey. I'm just saying, if it's really that important to you, I think I'll get half now. Buffy looks at the money in her hand. She rips the bills in half, slams one half against Spike's chest, and strides out. Spike watches her go, then looks down at the half-bills in his hand. Harmony pushes the coffin lid aside and peeks out. HARMONY: So? What'd she say about me? Cut to hospital corridor. The double-doors open and Graham walks through, walks down the hallway, past a security guard who nods at him. Graham goes through another set of double-doors and enters a lab. The doctor (Dr. Overheiser) is there. OVERHEISER: Any word? GRAHAM: They'll be here any minute. Overheiser looks at a folder in his hand. GRAHAM: That's soon enough, right? I mean, if we bring him in now? OVERHEISER: I'll be honest. I'm not sure it's soon enough if you brought him in yesterday. Knock on the door. Graham turns. GRAHAM: Finally. He opens the door to see the security guard apparently standing there. Then the guard falls forward, his head hitting Graham's. Graham falls back and the guard falls on top of him as we see Harmony walking in behind the dead guard. Overheiser looks up in alarm. Spike follows Harmony in, carrying a crossbow. He tosses it to Harmony, who catches it and points it at the doctor, letting the tip of the arrow touch his cheek. SPIKE: You got yourself a new patient, doc. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on Buffy walking in the woods, holding a flashlight. It's dark. She finds the cave entrance that Riley used earlier, and walks in. Exterior shot of a college building. Cut to interior of a room with several tiers of chairs. The door opens and Spike enters, followed by Overheiser and then Harmony with the crossbow. OVERHEISER: Look, you don't understand. This is a complicated neurological procedure and I've never performed it before. They walk down the steps, past rows of seats, into a surgical theatre. SPIKE: Little performance anxiety, eh doc? (Takes off his jacket, sits on the operating table) Butterflies in the old belly? Harm, do us a favor. Shoot the nasty butterflies for the good doctor. (Overheiser looks from Harmony to Spike and moves toward the operating table) There you go. It's not so complicated. Just do whatever those Initiative lab monkeys did, only backwards. Harmony sits on a nearby counter. OVERHEISER: This is a medical school, not a proper operating facility, these instruments... (gesturing at the tray of instruments) SPIKE: (sighs) They look pointy enough. They'll do. He lies back on the table with his hands behind his head. OVERHEISER: You're not listening. That chip is deeply imbedded in your cerebral cortex. Removing it could leave you a vegetable. SPIKE: That's not gonna happen, mate. See, I have faith in your survival instinct. He looks significantly over at Harmony. Overheiser looks too. Harmony smiles and lifts the crossbow. SPIKE: (smiling) Yeah. You'll have me up and killing before the night's over. (Note: although it sounds like "killing," and the closed-captions say "killing," his lips clearly say "fighting.") Overheiser looks apprehensive. Spike continues to grin. SPIKE: Come on, doc! (nudges the doctor with his foot) You'll do me right. Nothing bad'll happen to you. Suddenly an arrow flies across the room, narrowly missing the doctor, and lodging in the wall opposite. Spike and Overheiser look at it, startled, then look over at Harmony. HARMONY: Oops. (grinning apologetically) String was slippy. Cut to exterior shot of the burned-out old Sunnydale High School building. WILLOW VOICEOVER: (calling) Riley! Cut to inside. Willow and Tara walking through the rubble. TARA: This place kinda creeps me out. WILLOW: You shoulda been here when it was a school. (calls) Riley! They walk on, very slowly, looking nervous. WILLOW: Oof. Darkness. TARA: Piles of it. We shoulda brought a flashlight. WILLOW: Ooh! I know! (reaches into her bag) Better to light a candle than curse the damn darkness. (Smiles. Pulls a small bottle out of her bag) A little spell. (Shows it to Tara) Fiat lux! (Latin, translation: "let there be light") Willow throws the bottle at the ground. There's a big burst of flame and then the entire area is lit with a soft diffuse light. TARA: Wow. WILLOW: There, that's better. Tara stares at her in amazement. WILLOW: (calling) Riley! Come on out! She begins to walk again. Tara follows, still staring. TARA: How'd you do that? With the light? WILLOW: Oh, you know. You taught me. TARA: I taught you teeny Tinkerbell light. WILLOW: Okay, so I ... tinkered with the Tinkerbell. It was easy. And besides, isn't this better than ... using a flashlight like some kind of doofus? Cut to Buffy with a flashlight, walking through the caves, calling. BUFFY: Riley? Riley, answer me. (mutters softly) Please. She walks on. Pan across the rocks, with vines growing on them. We hear a repetitive knocking noise. BUFFY: Riley? She rounds a corner and finds Riley punching the rock wall. There's a large cavity in the wall where he's clearly been punching for some time. He's shiny with sweat and looks tired. RILEY: (not looking at Buffy) You know, this doesn't even hurt. BUFFY: Your hand is bleeding. RILEY: (looks at her) Don't feel a thing. He moves to punch the wall again but Buffy stops him. BUFFY: This stops now. I'm taking you to the doctor. RILEY: The one from the government, you mean? Like the ones who did this to me in the first place? (Puts up a hand in a "no thanks" gesture and backs away) BUFFY: (moving toward him) He's the only one that understands what's wrong with you. He's the only one that can help. RILEY: What's wrong with me? I'm more powerful than I've ever been, Buffy. Most people would kill to feel this way. BUFFY: Yeah, and this feeling is *going* to kill you. Riley, your body was not built for this kind of strength- RILEY: I can handle it. This is my deal, Buffy, just ... back off. He walks past her. She turns to watch him. BUFFY: What is this? He stops walking, turns back to her. BUFFY: What's happening to you? RILEY: I go back ... let the government get whimsical with my innards again ... They could do anything that- Best-case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal, just... (sighs) Just another guy. BUFFY: And that's not enough for you? RILEY: It's not enough for *you*. BUFFY: Why would you say that? RILEY: Come on. Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian. BUFFY: So that's what this is about? You're going to die, all over some macho pissing contest. RILEY: (shakes his head) It's not about him. It's about us. (Buffy shakes her head, not understanding) You're getting stronger every day, more powerful. I can't touch you. Every day, you're just ... a little further out of my reach. BUFFY: You wanna touch me? (walks toward him) I'm right here. I'm not the one running away. RILEY: Not yet. BUFFY: So you have this all figured out? I'm bailing because you're not in the super club. RILEY: (shrugs) It's human nature. BUFFY: (angrily) Don't Psych 101 me. (Riley looks away) Not now. Not after everything that ... Nobody has ever known me the way you do. Nobody. (Riley doesn't look at her) I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to ... God, you're just sitting back there thinking that none of this means anything to me. RILEY: (still not looking at her) I never said that. BUFFY: (teary-eyed) Because it obviously doesn't mean anything to you. Do you really think so little of me- RILEY: Buffy. BUFFY: No! No. Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike. (quietly) Riley, I need you. (He looks at her, looks apprehensive) I need you with me ... and I need you healthy. But if you wanna throw it all away because you don't trust me, then ... (firmly) then I'm still gonna make you go to that doctor. Riley looks at her, looks away. He sighs. RILEY: Take me to him. Buffy nods. BUFFY: We have to hurry. She strides past him, but he grabs her arm and turns her to face him. RILEY: Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy. BUFFY: I don't know why. She puts her hand over his heart. BUFFY: The doctor said we didn't have much time. They walk off. Cut to Spike on the operating table. A sheet lies vertically over the top of his head, and his eyes are closed. As the camera pulls back we see the doctor wearing rubber gloves, working on Spike's head. Harmony comes into view, walking behind Overheiser. HARMONY: I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real s*x organ is his brain. She leans next to the doctor and looks at where his hands are. HARMONY: Yecch! No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so ... pink and wriggly-looking. (grins suddenly; to the doctor) Can I touch it? Spike's eyes pop open. SPIKE/OVERHEISER: (unison) No! HARMONY: (looking over at Spike's face) Oh my god, you're awake? OVERHEISER: Local anesthetic. HARMONY: Wow, Spikey, how does it feel? SPIKE: Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint. Harmony looks back at Spike's brain. HARMONY: (to doctor) You know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means he can't even pick flowers. SPIKE: What? Yes I can! OVERHEISER: (softly) Please be quiet. Everyone is quiet for a moment. Then Harmony points at Spike's brain again. HARMONY: Is it supposed to do that? OVERHEISER: Please. For god's sake, please, be quiet. HARMONY: Listen, buster. I don't see a crossbow in *your* hands, okay? SPIKE: Harmony, if your incessant prattling bolloxes up this operation, I'm gonna personally yank out your pink and wriggly tongue. Overheiser looks at Harmony. HARMONY: What are you looking at? Cut to the hospital room. Riley and Buffy come through the double-doors and find the security guard and Graham on the floor. BUFFY: Uh-oh. Buffy bends over the guard while Riley goes to Graham. RILEY: Graham. Graham. (Helps him sit up. Riley holds up two fingers) How many fingers I got? GRAHAM: Seventeen. Riley and Buffy exchange a concerned look. GRAHAM: Hostile 17 and a blonde girl. BUFFY: (sighs) Spike and Harmony, together again. Riley helps Graham stand up. They look around. GILES: Where's Dr. Overheiser? BUFFY: Uh, Spike must have taken him. What would Spike want with - (The clue hits) The chip. He's gonna force the doctor to remove the chip from his brain. Riley bends over and puts his hands on his knees, panting. He's pale and sweaty. BUFFY: Riley? RILEY: (straightens up, breathlessly) I'm okay. Okay. GRAHAM: (to Buffy) We're running out of time. We don't find the medic soon, he's not gonna make it. BUFFY: (thinking fast) Okay, okay, brain surgery. He, he's gonna need a medical facility, he-he's gonna need, uh, uh, equipment... GRAHAM: This is a big hospital. BUFFY: No, uh-uh, he wouldn't do it here. It's too risky. We'll split up. Graham, get on the horn, or the ... pipe, or whatever you guys get on, I-I want you to check animal hospitals, doctors' offices... Graham walks to the door. Riley stops him. RILEY: Hey, about before... GRAHAM: We're good. Apologize later, if you're not dead. He leaves. Riley looks nervously at Buffy. She walks toward him. BUFFY: (firmly) You are *not* going to die. RILEY: Bet you say that to all the boys. BUFFY: No. There is one peroxided pest whose number is up. (They start to walk off) When I get my hands on Spike, I'm gonna rip his head off, I'm gonna... Cut to closeup of Spike's face. He's still on the operating table. SPIKE: ...bathe in the slayer's blood. Gonna dive in it. (with relish) Swim in it. Shot of Overheiser and Harmony behind the sheet, staring at Spike's brain. Harmony is smoking another cigarette. SPIKE: I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke. Harmony blows out smoke, which drifts toward Spike's face. She begins to jump up and down. HARMONY: I see it, Spikey! I see the chip! It's nestled in there like ... a pretty little Easter egg with your brain all around it like that green plastic grassy stuff ... only this is more a beige, like- OVERHEISER: Would you please put out that cigarette? It's really not allowed. HARMONY: Oh yeah? Says who? The doctor turns to look pointedly at the NO SMOKING sign on the wall. HARMONY: Oh god, sorry! Didn't see the sign! She turns away to put out the cigarette. The doctor turns and drops something into a dish. It makes a metallic clinking noise. OVERHEISER: The chip's out. (Harmony squeals excitedly) Didn't think I could do it, I just ... it's out. SPIKE: Yeah? HARMONY: (jumping up and down, clapping) Yay! Yay for Spikey! SPIKE: Right then. (determinedly) Stitch me up, doc. Got places to go. And slayers to kill. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on Harmony holding the crossbow. Pan across to Spike, sitting up while the doctor puts a few last stitches in his head. SPIKE: Listen to me. My stomach's growling, I'm so starved. (The doc looks nervous, begins to apply a bandage) I'm afraid I'm gonna have to have me a little snack. Overheiser looks very nervous. Spike turns his head to speak over his shoulder. SPIKE: Oh, don't worry. I won't fill up on the bread. I'll still have plenty of room for the main course. The door opens and Buffy walks in, followed by Riley. SPIKE: (fiercely) Slayer! He jumps off the table. Harmony moves to stand beside him, holding the crossbow. Buffy and Riley stand side-by-side. Faceoff. The doctor tries to sidle around toward the door. Spike morphs into vampire face. SPIKE: Suit up, Harm. Harmony morphs into vampire face. Buffy turns to stop the doc as he tries to leave. BUFFY: Stay here. (She pushes him so he falls to the floor) We're gonna need you. SPIKE: Buffy. I swear I was just thinking of you. I wanted to tell you the great news. My head's all clear now. No more bug-zapper in my noggin. BUFFY: That means I get to kill you. SPIKE: You get to try. The standoff continues. Suddenly the crossbow goes off and the arrow flies, landing in Riley's leg. Buffy looks over at him. Riley doesn't seem to react. HARMONY: Oops. Riley storms toward her. She moves toward him. He brushes the crossbow out of her hands. Buffy punches Spike in the face. Riley throws Harmony down on the operating table, picks her up and throws her against a wall full of equipment. Buffy punches Spike in the face a few more times; he stumbles back against the operating table. Riley punches Harmony, throws her across the room, leans against a counter panting. He turns as Harmony shoves a wheeled chair toward him. He trips over it and goes down. Harmony kicks him in the face. Spike jumps up onto the operating table and grins down at Buffy. In the background we can still see and hear Riley and Harmony exchanging blows. SPIKE: At long last. He leaps on top of Buffy, carrying her to the ground and landing on top of her. He pins her hands down and bends to bite her neck. Buffy struggles. Spike gives a yell of pain and jerks backward. Buffy punches him, then shoves him off her so he lands next to the doctor. Spike looks angrily at Overheiser, who looks scared. Riley punches Harmony in the face; she kicks him away. He starts toward her again but stops, grabbing his chest and groaning in pain. BUFFY: Riley! Riley stumbles against a metal table and falls down with it on top of him. Harmony looks at her fist, then runs off. Buffy crawls over to Riley and puts her hands on his chest. BUFFY: Riley. Spike gets up and opens the container where the doctor supposedly put his chip. He takes out a penny from inside it. SPIKE: (looking at doctor) A penny? OVERHEISER: (getting up) I told you I couldn't do it. BUFFY: Oh god. Doctor! Doctor, we need you *now*! The doctor rushes to lift the table off of Riley as Spike and Harmony move to the door. Spike grabs his jacket and pauses to look back, then turns and leaves. Buffy and the doctor lift Riley up to a sitting position. Cut to exterior graveyard, night. Spike and Harmony run between the trees and gravestones. SPIKE: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face, that ... bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude. HARMONY: Well, aren't we kinda unholy, by the- SPIKE: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike round the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture. He stops running, picks up a headstone and throws it against another. Harmony cringes as the dust showers her. HARMONY: Spike! SPIKE: You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! He grabs her upper arms. She looks very scared. Spike stares at her, slowly calms down. SPIKE: (quietly) This ... has got to end. Cut to Riley lying on the operating table, with the doctor putting a bandage on his chest. Buffy walks in. OVERHEISER: All patched up. Overheiser exits and Riley sits up. We see that in addition to being shirtless, he's also only wearing half a pair of jeans -- the other pant-leg was cut away to help get the arrow out of his leg. Another bandage is wrapped around his thigh. He picks up his shirt and begins to put it on. Buffy puts one hand on Riley's good leg and lightly touches the bandage on his chest with her other hand. BUFFY: How's it goin' in there? RILEY: Good. Back to normal. Buffy leans her head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat. BUFFY: Yep. He strokes her hair. She leans back and takes his bruised hand in hers, pulling his hand to her heart. BUFFY: And see ... I'm still touchable. RILEY: (nods) Give me a week or so to heal, and ... I'll take full advantage of that fact. Buffy smiles, still holding his hand BUFFY: Are you gonna be okay? 'Cause I should really go check on my mom. Riley looks up at her. RILEY: Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. I'll be fine. BUFFY: I'll talk to you later. He nods. She leans up and kisses him softly, then turns away. Shot of Riley's hands as Buffy pulls her out of his grasp and leaves. Shot of Riley watching her go, looking pensive. Cut to Riley and Graham walking down the hall in a dorm or frat building. Riley has a noticeable limp. Graham's face is still bruised. GRAHAM: It's a good thing Buffy found you when she did, 'cause you were about to detonate big-time. Always said she's pretty impressive. RILEY: You know, she really is. GRAHAM: But you know you don't belong here, right? (Keeps walking and talking although Riley has stopped walking and is staring at his back) This town? I mean, you're nothin' here. RILEY: Hey. (Graham stops walking, turns to look at him) What are you saying? GRAHAM: Come on, man. You know it's true. There's nothing for you here. RILEY: There's her. GRAHAM: Okay, right, there's her. And? You used to have a mission, and now you're what? The mission's boyfriend? Mission's true love? Riley looks at the floor, then walks on, past Graham. GRAHAM: You belong with us. Riley doesn't reply, keeps walking. Graham watches him go. Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike is sleeping in his chair. Banging noises. Spike opens his eyes and gets up as the door flies open and Buffy walks in. SPIKE: Should have known it's you. Been nearly six hours. BUFFY: Well, it would've been less if I wasn't busy cleaning up your mess. SPIKE: *My* mess? I just *borrowed* the doc. The mess is yours, Slayer. Yours and the boy's. BUFFY: I'm done. She takes a stake from her back pocket and walks toward Spike. He looks surprised. BUFFY: Spike, you're a killer. And I shoulda done this *years* ago. Spike looks her in the eye. SPIKE: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it. BUFFY: What? SPIKE: End ... my ... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me ... out of a world ... that has you in it! (Yanks off his shirt and throws it aside) Just kill me! Buffy stares at him, then raises her stake and lunges. Spike winces, but she stops at the last minute. They stare into each other's eyes. Suddenly Spike grabs Buffy by the upper arms and kisses her passionately. She returns the kiss. It goes on for a moment and then Buffy pulls back with a little noise of dismay, bringing her hand to her mouth. She stares at Spike and he stares back, both panting. The stake is gone from her hand. Slowly Buffy drops her hand from her mouth and walks back to Spike, putting both her hands to the back of his head and pulling him down toward her. They kiss again, very passionate. Spike brings his hands up to clutch her back, kissing her cheek and the side of her neck. BUFFY: (panting) Spike ... I want you. SPIKE: (muffled against her neck) Buffy, I love you. He pulls back. Closeup of Buffy staring at him. SPIKE: (OS) God, I love you so much. Cut to Spike sitting up in bed with a gasp. Shot of Harmony sleeping in the bed next to him. Shot of Spike sitting up in the bed, looking horrified, while Harmony continues to sleep. SPIKE: Oh, god, no. Closeup of Spike's face. SPIKE: Please, no. Blackout. The sound of Spike panting continues as the producer credit appears. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.
Plan: A: Riley; Q: Who is risking his health to fight with Buffy? A: his heart; Q: What is Riley's super soldier enhancement destroying? A: Spike; Q: Who kidnaps the doctor to remove Riley's chip? Summary: Riley is risking his health to be able to fight with Buffy. His super soldier enhancement is destroying his heart. Buffy enlists Spike to take Riley to the doctor, but instead Spike kidnaps the doctor to remove his chip.
Skyline: Christmas lights on the Space Needle. ACT ONE Scene One - Café Nervosa Frasier and Roz are seated at a table. Martin comes in with Eddie. Martin: Hi, guys. Frasier: Oh hey, Dad. A waiter brings a cup for Roz and a plate of complimentary cookies. Waiter: Cappuccino to go. Holiday cookies, anyone? Frasier: Oh yes, I believe I will, thank you. Frasier and Roz each take one. Martin reaches for the plate, then pulls back. Martin: Oh, not for me. Roz: Watching your weight? Martin: Yeah, and it's killing me. But the other night, Ronee made a comment about my "bowl full of jelly." Roz: Well, everyone puts on a few this time of year. Frasier: Everyone doesn't sit around reading the newspaper, actually slurping from a bowl full of jelly. Roz: Well, you look great to me, Martin. Martin: Thanks. Roz: Merry Christmas. Roz picks up her coffee and a shopping bag and leaves. Martin: Oh, Eddie and I must have walked about three miles. I'm sweating like a pig. As he moves to take Roz's chair, Frasier hooks it with his foot and pulls it in. Martin: What the hell are you doing? Frasier: I am saving that seat for someone who may not wish to have it bedewed with pig sweat. Natalie, a young woman of dark and exotic beauty, enters. Natalie: [sultry French accent] Frasier? Frasier: Oh, Natalie! Natalie: Hello. Frasier: [shaking her hand] Hi. Frasier: This is my father, Martin Crane. Uh, Natalie Blanc of the Seattle Tourism Board. She wants me to do a promo for her. [to her] He was just leaving. Natalie: Oh, that little dog is adorable. Frasier: Yes, and he's smart as a chimp too! Off you go! He shoots Martin a meaningful look. Martin takes the hint and goes to the counter. Frasier: [motions her to the seat] Please. It's so lovely to finally meet you. Natalie: Thank you, thank you. Frasier: Have a seat. [she does] So, tell me about this promo. Natalie: Well, it's pretty simple. It begins with you at home on the couch. [hands him a script] And you say... Frasier: [reading] "Anybody feel like taking a walk? Then come to Seattle." Natalie: And then we see you walking at the Space Needle, the beach, the fish market - but we do all of that with special effects. It should only take a couple of hours tomorrow. So, are you in? Frasier: [overcome by her accent] I'm "een!" [they laugh] You know, it's funny, when you called me at the last minute, there was a small, madly insecure part of me that wondered if I was your second choice. Natalie: No, you weren't the second. Frasier pauses, struck by the double meaning there. As Martin turns back with his coffee, Eddie jumps into Frasier's arms. Natalie: Nice meeting you. Martin: You too. Natalie: Oh, that dog is so precious. Frasier: Yes, there are times when I could just squeeze him to death! Natalie: You know, maybe he should be in the spot with you. Martin: Eddie in a commercial? Natalie: Mm-hmm. Frasier: It's called a spot, Dad. Natalie: You look so perfect together. He could just sit next to you on the couch. Frasier: Well, I suppose there's no harm in a little window dressing. Natalie: The director will love it. I'll call him right now. She takes out her cell phone. Martin: Oh, I don't believe it. [pets Eddie] Eddie's first TV spot. Frasier: Oh, knock it off. You didn't even know that term until ten seconds ago. As Natalie talks into her cell phone, Frasier sulkily makes a show of petting Eddie. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Apartment The apartment is garishly decorated for Christmas, as it is every year. Martin is adding some finishing touches, when Frasier comes in, with Eddie on a leash. Martin: Hey Fras, how'd the big shoot go? Frasier: Well, it went splendidly, Dad. I thought you were going with Niles to the airport to pick up Freddie. Martin: Yeah, I decided to stay home, do some decorating. Frasier: Ah yes, that magical time of year when the Great Wall of China and my apartment are the only two man-made structures visible from space. The doorbell rings. Frasier goes to answer it. Frasier: I must say I'm really excited about seeing Freddie this trip. Martin: Yeah, what you got planned? Frasier: Oh gosh, everything from whale-watching to a trip to the garlic festival. He opens the door to Niles and Daphne, who both have fake smiles pasted on to cover their shock. They come in and sink onto the couch. Frasier: Niles, Daphne...! Where's Frederick? Niles: Actually, he insisted on taking his own elevator. Frasier: [laughs] Oh, priceless! You know, just when you worried that he's on the brink of terrible teendom, there he is, still just a little boy who wants to play in the elevator. The elevator opens behind Frasier's back, and there is Frederick: he is dressed head-to-toe in black leather and denim, his hair is dyed black, and his face is paler than Lilith's, except for his eyes and lips, which are alsoblackened. Steel jewelry hangs from his neck and belt. Freddie: Hey, Dad. Frasier: There he is... He turns, and yelps out loud. Freddie: Nice greeting, Dad. Frasier: Freddie, why are you dressed like this? Daphne: [still smiling] He's a Goth now. Freddie: You all don't have to treat me like I'm some kind of freak. Martin: No, we're not, Freddie. It's great to see you. He comes over and hugs him awkwardly. Martin: [aside to Frasier] Maybe you could move up that trip to the garlic festival. Frasier: Listen, Freddie, I don't understand. Um, the Goths were plunderers. Apart from your tendency to be overaggressive with your rooks at chess camp, I don't see the connection. Freddie: It's just what I'm into now, okay? Me, my friend Andi, a bunch of us. But if you don't get it, you don't get it. He trudges to the hallway. They all make conciliatory noises. Frasier: I didn't mean anything by it, I simply thought... [Freddie exits] Oh, dear God! Well, thank you Lilith, for mentioning this little development! Daphne: Oh, it's just a phase. All teenagers go through a rebellious period. It always passes. You should have seen me at that age - dating the older boys, hitch-hiking, drinking, shop- lifting. Do you know I can carry a frozen turkey between my knees? Niles, for whom this is more than he ever wanted to know, rises stiffly and walks to the bar. Niles: That'll come in handy if we ever misplace our serving platter at Thanksgiving. Chuckling at her memories, Daphne points to Frasier. Daphne: Hey, and didn't you once tell me you went streaking? Frasier: Well, I had shin splints at the time, so it was really more of a brisk nude walk. Daphne: What did you do, Niles? How did you rebel? Niles: Oh, the usual ways. He hands Frasier a sherry. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. Daphne: Like what? Niles: Oh, like what? Well, uh... Martin: Never happened, Niles. Your mother and I kept waiting for it. Niles: [stung] I find it hard to believe that I never... Martin: Nope, nope. You were one of those good kids. One time I found a bag of something that looked suspicious in your dresser, but it turned out to be just something to make your sweaters smell nice. Niles: Well, one time... Martin: Face it, Niles - you just didn't have it in you to be bad. [N.B. Martin is perhaps doing Niles an injustice here. Earlier mention was made of him mooning President Nixon at a campaign rally, in [2.18], "The Club."] Freddie comes back out. Everyone gasps and jerks reflexively. Frasier: Freddie, hi. Listen, I was thinking maybe we could take in a movie tonight. Freddie: Can't, Dad. I made plans with my friend Andi. Frasier: Your friend Andi from school is here? Freddie: Yeah, visiting relatives. We're seeing a movie. Frasier: But you just got here. The doorbell rings. Freddie: We've got all week, okay? Be cool. He opens the door to Andi - a girl decked out exactly the same as he is - but for her long hair, it's difficult to see any difference in gender. Freddie: Hey. Andi: Hey. Freddie: Well, see ya. They leave. Everyone struggles for words. Niles: Well, at least he's not dating outside the faith. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Café Nervosa Frasier is seated alone at the table in the rear. A husband with his pregnant wife comes over. Husband: Excuse me, are you using this chair? Frasier: [charmed] Well, doesn't that have a familiar ring to it? [stands to offer the chair] The weary holiday traveler and his pregnant wife seeking kindness from a stranger... Natalie has just entered and noticed him. Natalie: Frasier? Frasier: ...I'm afraid I am, yes. So... He shoos the couple away, and invites Natalie to sit. Natalie: I'm so glad I ran into you. [to waiter] Um, cappuccino to go, please. They sit. Natalie: The ad agency loves the spot. Frasier: Oh! Natalie: Apparently they got quite creative with it. I'll messenger you a copy. Frasier: Oh, that's wonderful news. Listen, I realize you're dashing off, but do you think we could celebrate tonight over a drink? Natalie: Sure. How about, uh... 7:00 at Garagiste? Frasier: Could you say that again? Natalie: Garagiste. You don't know it? Frasier: Oh yes, I do. I just love hearing you say it. They laugh. The waiter brings Natalie's coffee. Natalie: Oh, thank you. Frasier: Let me get that for you. [pays] Natalie: Thank you. I'll see you then. Frasier: Yes, take care. As she leaves, she passes Niles. Natalie: Hello. Niles: Hello. She exits. Niles sits with Frasier, obviously impressed. Niles: Well, that was a yummy little stocking stuffer. Frasier: Yes. She's the one I told you about. The girl with the accent. Niles: Oh, yes. Frasier: God, she could read me the phone book, and I would melt like an overripe Camembert. Imagine what she would do with that - [imitating her] Camembert. Niles: R-R-R-Roquefort. Frasier: Reblochon. Niles: Blu. Frasier: We're terrible! They share a boys' naughty chuckle. Frasier: [more sober] Well, at least it will be nice to have something to do this evening - for a change. Niles: Is Frederick still spending all his time with his little ghoul-friend? Frasier: Yes, they're going to a concert this evening. And, of course, I don't begrudge him a social life, it's just that I feel so rejected. Niles: [looking around] Mm. Frasier: You know, when one has something they'd clearly rather do than spend time with you, it just feels like... He notices Niles looking around nervously and checking his watch. Frasier: What the hell are you doing? Niles: I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone. Frasier: Who? Niles: Well, it really bothered me when said that I never rebelled. I mean, I've been obsessing about it. What kind of self- respecting psychiatrist - not to mention father-to-be - completely misses one of life's prime rites of passage? So... I've decided to rebel tonight. [grins] Right under Dad's nose. Frasier: How? Niles: You ready? Frasier: Yes. Niles: You sure? Frasier: Positive. Niles: Move your coffee, it might... Frasier: Niles! Niles: [proudly] I'm getting high on reefer. Frasier stares at him, while Niles puts a "shh!" finger to his lips. Frasier: What? Niles: I've waited for this all my life, Frasier - one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course I'll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy. Frasier: And exactly which of your connections in the Seattle demimonde is going to get you this reefer? Roz enters and drops a small parcel on the table in front of Niles. Roz: Okay, Niles, you're hooked up. Niles: Well, oh... I'll just take a look. [does so] Ah, yes, thick and gooey. Ganja in its purest form. Roz: It's a pot brownie, you idiot. My neighbor makes them. Frasier: Oh. Niles re-wraps the brownie and is about to put it in his pocket, but then hears his car alarm go off. Niles: Damn it, my car alarm again! I'll be right back. He runs out. Roz: Wait! But Niles...! Well, I can't wait, I got a date. Frasier: Well, you're not leaving that thing with me. Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier, just give it to Niles. Frasier: No, no, no, I refuse. She tries to hand it to him, he pushes her away. Frasier: Just stop that, stop that. It is illegal. I will have nothing to do with it, for God's sakes. What do you take me for, some kind of common drug mule? Roz: [as he's leaving] "Mule" is one word for it. On his way out, Frasier passes Martin entering. Frasier: Oh, hey Dad. Martin: How are you doing? Frasier: I'll see you back at home. [exits] Martin: All right. Roz: Hey, Martin. Martin: Hi, how you doing, Roz? Roz: Good. How are the holidays treating you? The waiter comes by with his plate of cookies again. Waiter: Cookie? Martin: Oh... no, just trying to stay away from things that are bad for me. Roz spots her date - a man in a Santa suit whose pulls his beard down to below his chin, revealing an "in the mood for love" grin. Roz: [grins back] Well, that's where you and I are different. [hands Martin the brownie] Can you give this to Niles? He'll be right back. Martin: Yeah, sure. [Roz leaves] Uh, coffee to go, please. Martin sits at a table to wait. Curious, he unwraps the packet and sees the brownie. Wincing, he pushes it away. A moment passes, as he wrestles with his sweet tooth. Then he gives in and breaks off a small piece and eats it. Martin: Mmm... mmm... He breaks off another piece and eats it, then just shoves the whole thing in his mouth and licks the wrapper clean, enjoying every bit of it. He looks out the window and sees Niles coming back, and hastily goes to the counter. Martin: [mouth full] Could I have a brownie, please? Waiter: Okay. Getting the brownie, he quickly re-wraps it. Niles comes back in and looks around for Roz, then sees Martin, who is getting his coffee. Niles: Hey, Dad. Martin: Oh hey, Niles. Um, uh, Roz wanted me to give you this. Niles: [takes the brownie] Thank you. Hey, uh, you're going to be home tonight? Martin: Yeah, I'm walking home right now. Niles: Oh, good. I'll see you there. Have a nice trip. Martin: You, too. Niles: [taking the double meaning] Oh, I will! Niles chortles in anticipation - then turns and sees two uniformed Police officers in the café, staring at him curiously. He starts hyperventilating and lurches out of the café, keeping his head bowed. They stare after him, perplexed. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Apartment Later that evening, Frasier is seated on the couch, reading. Freddie and Andi come in. Freddie is carrying a parcel. Freddie: Hi, Dad. Frasier: Hey, Freddie. Oh, Andi. How was the mall? Freddie: Boring. Andi: Except when that fat kid threw up in Santa's beard. That was goth. Frasier has given up trying to understand this jargon. Freddie: [hands him the package] Oh, the doorman had this for you. Frasier: Oh gosh, this must be my tourism promo! I'll tell you what - why don't we have a look at it? Freddie: I just came to get a jacket. We're going to the concert. Frasier: Oh, come on, Freddie. You can spare a couple of minutes to check out your old man's debut as a spokesman. Freddie and Andi reluctantly sit on the couch. Frasier: [looking for the remote] All right, where is that...? [finds it] Here we go. Sitting on Martin's chair, he turns on the TV and pops in the tape. On the screen, they see nothing but a close-up of Eddie sitting on a couch - his lips are moving with the aid of computer effects. Eddie: [in Frasier's voice] Anybody want to go for a walk? Then why not come to Seattle? Frasier: Oh, dear God! As Eddie continues speaking, a set of postcards scroll by his head to show what he is talking about. Eddie: Where else can you see... an ocean wave, a fish fly, a mountain peak, and the world's largest needle? Come to Seattle. Let's go for a walk. The spot ends. Frasier is outraged, Freddie and Andi are, for once, entertained. Freddie: That is so goth. Frasier: It is not goth! It's outrageous! It's like some hideous Frankenstein hybrid of me and that no-talent dog! Freddie: [gets up] Let's go. By the way, I'm staying at Andi's tonight. Frasier: What? Freddie: At her uncle's. We have plans all day tomorrow. Frasier: I'm sorry, Frederick, you're not staying anywhere until I hear from her uncle first. Freddie: [mortified] Oh my God! Frasier: I'm sorry, but that is the rule. Freddie: Dad! [then, to Andi] I'll meet you downstairs. She exits. Freddie: Do you know how much you're embarrassing me? What's your problem?! Frasier: My problem is that you've hardly spent one minute here since you arrived! Now you tell me you have plans all day tomorrow. Freddie: You're really making me want to spend time with you now. Frasier: [settling] I'd like to know when you're going to be home. Frasier: Tomorrow, okay? I'll have her uncle call you. [goes to the door] I never should have come here in the first place. Frasier: Freddie... Freddie leaves, passing Niles in the hallway. Niles comes in, grinning. Niles: Hey, Frasier. What's up? Frasier: Just another joyous holiday moment with my son to be pasted into my scrapbook. Niles: Ah. [then, eager] Aren't you going to ask me what's up? Frasier: Didn't intend to, no. Niles: I'd like you to. Frasier: All right. What's up? Niles: [gleefully] I am. I'm as high as the Himalayas! If I were a city in Germany, I'd be High-delburg! Is Dad home yet? Frasier: No. Niles: I'll use this opportunity to up my dosage. He takes out the remainder of the "pot brownie," and eats another small piece. Frasier: Oh, Niles! You realize that this is illegal? Did you actually drive yourself here? Niles: I'm a little too toasted for that, Frasier. No, the minute I knew I was getting baked tonight, I called a cab. And I printed my name and address on a card in my pocket in case I'm still too crispy to speak to the cab driver taking me home. Frasier: I judge by all this rich terminology that you've done some research? Niles: Yes, I know all the symptoms I can expect to experience. I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage. It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations. [opens the shopping bag he's carrying] I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive Zinfandel! Frasier: And this is all to prove a point to Dad? Niles: To Dad, and for myself. Don't I have the right, just once, to sip the sweet nectar of rebellion? They turn as they hear Martin fitting his key into the door - or trying to, he keeps fumbling and dropping them, while bursting into peals of hysterical laughter. Frasier: You know, I've got to go put a jacket on for my date. Why don't you go see if you can help Dad at the door? Frasier exits. Niles opens the door to Martin, who stumbles in grinning like an idiot. He is carrying a jumbo bag of barbecue potato chips, and a tub of chocolate pudding. Martin: Hi, Niles! Niles: Funny you should say that! Martin: Yeah, it is! They laugh hilariously, and Martin tosses his keys toward the counter, where they fall short and drop to the floor. Then Martin apparently becomes serious. Martin: Hey, hey, Niles, let me ask you something. Do you ever feel like you'd just like to go straight? Niles: What? Martin: Well, you know, I was walking home, and I kept thinking about all the turns we have to make - right turn, left turn. How much easier it'd be if we just could go straight over the trees, over a building. That's what a giant would do. They should let everybody be a giant for a day. Niles, thinking it's all just a vision of his own "trip," bursts into giggles, making Martin laugh again. Niles: If you had any idea how strange you seem to me right now. Martin: Why is everybody saying that to me? He carries the bag to the kitchen, Niles follows him in. Martin: By the way, you are welcome. Niles: Oh... for what? Reset to: the kitchen as they come in. Martin: For turning you on to the best thing you will ever eat: barbecue pudding chips! Of course, Niles doesn't believe even a stoned person would go for those, but Martin opens the bag and dips a chip in the pudding. Niles: No, thanks. Martin: Oh, they looked at me funny in the store, too, but you taste that and tell me that's not better than a woman. He holds out the chip, Niles recoils. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Living Room Frasier trots out with his jacket, then sees Eddie sitting in his path. Frasier: Do you mind? Eddie doesn't move. Frasier: Oh, I see. Now you're such a big star that the whole world has to revolve around you. Fine. He steps over Eddie and goes into the powder room. Frasier: [through the door] I'll tell you what. You just gloat all you like. This is not over between us! CUT TO: the kitchen Martin is still eating chips, while Niles is chopping some vegetables for his dinner. Martin: Why am I putting these chips in this pudding? Niles: Well, I was going to say. Martin: I should be dumping the pudding in with the chips! [does so] You know, I've been having these great ideas all day. I wrote some of them down. [takes a writing pad out of his breast pocket] There. What do you think this means? [reads] "Dog army." Oh, that cold medicine I took this morning is making me feel funny. I think I'm going to go sit down for a while. [exits] Niles: Whatever. Reset to: the living room. Martin brings the chips out, and sits down into his chair with a grateful sigh. He turns on the TV. On the screen: Eddie: [in Frasier's voice] Anybody want to go for a walk? Martin leans forward, goggle-eyed. Eddie: Then why not come to Seattle? Martin: Sweet mother! Eddie: Where else can you see... an ocean wave, a fish fly, a mountain peak, and the world's largest needle? Come to Seattle. Let's go for a walk. Martin: Eddie? Frasier: [o.s., from the powder room] I know what you're doing! Martin turns and sees Eddie sitting on the floor, staring - and apparently speaking - at him. Frasier: You're sitting there thinking you're the king! Well, you're not! Martin: [towards the kitchen, in panic] Niles?! Frasier comes out of the powder room as Niles comes out with the carving knife in one hand and the vegetables in the other. Frasier: All right, I'm off to my date. Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles! That knife is as sharp as a machete. You should not be chopping with it in your condition. [exits] Do that for him, will you, Dad? He leaves, as Martin hesitantly rises, still staring at Eddie. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Frasier's Kitchen A little later, the two Crane men are hunched over their dinners - Niles, with his jacket off and lazily lulled over the range, is cooking his vegetables. Martin is eating vanilla ice cream directly from the carton. Niles: I've come dangerously close to over-braising my chard. [proud] It's almost as if something dulled my motor skills. Martin: You sure you don't want a little of this on the side? I can scoop around the Lucky Charms. Niles: No, thanks. He goes out into the living room and takes his seat at the dining table. Niles: You know me, Dad. I'm not much of a rebel. [he carelessly flings his napkin onto the floor] Too much of a goody-two- shoes. He gleefully pours himself wine, still in the throes of his psychosomatic intoxication. Frasier trudges in the door, looking worn-out and depressed. Niles: [picks his napkin up] Hi, Frasier. Martin: [o.s., from the kitchen] But you've got to open your mind up. That's where all the great inventions come from. Like, it used to be people would eat too much, their pants would get tight! Big problem! Then one day, somebody said, "Wait a minute! Why not put elastic in them?" Martin comes out carrying the ice cream carton - his pants and shoes are gone, he's only wearing boxers and socks below the waist. Martin: Hi, Fras. Frasier: Dad, where are your pants? Martin: In the fridge. [off Frasier's look] I had a reason. [shows his pad of paper] "Fridge pants." Frasier: Dad, when you were at the café today, you didn't eat a brownie that Roz brought for Niles, did you? Martin: Yeah - but I replaced it. Frasier: For God's sake! That was a pot brownie! You're stoned off your ass! Niles: Well, someone must feel pretty out of it, being the only one here who isn't completely burnt. Frasier: Oh, knock it off, you imbecile, you're as sober as I am! Niles snaps out of it. Martin: I knew I was feeling woozy. I thought it was that cold medicine I took this morning. Frasier: [takes the ice cream and holds Martin's arm] It's all right, Dad. Niles: Oh my God, I am so sorry. Dad, are you all right? Martin: Yeah, I'll be fine. But I better go lie down before it really hits me. He slowly walks down the hallway. Martin: Come on, boy. Frasier: I'll be in there in a minute to check on you. Martin: Oh, suit yourself, Eddie! Martin exits. Frasier: Didn't it occur to you that he was behaving strangely? Niles: I thought it was me! I thought it was the Mary Jane talking. Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, will you drop the drug lingo? Niles: [his face in his hands] Frasier, I feel terrible. Frasier pours a sherry. Frasier: Yes well, at least you had a better night than I did. Halfway through our date, Natalie got a phone call - an emergency at home. [chuckles bitterly] I decided to take a little walk. Twenty minutes later I saw her in a different bar with another man. Niles: There was no emergency? Frasier: Not unless he had an infected earlobe which required an immediate tongue-flicking. It's been a hell of a Christmas. Niles: I'm so sorry, Frasier. Frasier: Truth be told, I'm most disappointed about how things turned out with Frederick. I've just felt us drifting apart lately, and I was hoping that we could bond again on this trip. Niles: Well, you may have given him a wonderful gift just by letting him rebel against you. Frasier considers that. Niles: Something which I am obviously completely incapable of achieving. I'm going home. Frasier: You're a good man, Niles. In a way, isn't that rebelling against rebellion? Niles: [smiles] Nice try. Frasier: All right, look at it this way - you did get our cop father stoned tonight. Pause. Niles: [with a cocky grin] I did, didn't I? Frasier: Yeah. Niles exits with a swagger. Frasier smiles to himself, then sees the place setting Niles laid out for himself. Frasier: Hmm... [checks the label on the wine] Oh, madness! Frederick comes in, also looking worn-out and depressed. Frasier: Frederick. Freddie: Hey. Frasier: What are you doing home? I thought you were spending the night at Andi's. Freddie: I changed my mind. Good night. Frasier: Did something happen at the concert? Freddie: No. Frasier: Are you sure? I can't help noticing your mascara's run a little. Freddie pauses, then unloads. Freddie: Andi ran into a "friend" from her old school. Frasier: Ah... another boy? Freddie: She hardly talked to me the whole night. Frasier: I'm sorry, son. These things happen, and... well, they always stink. Freddie: Did it ever happen to you, Dad? Frasier: It may have. Tell you what - you know, I've got a box of that cereal you used to like. What do you say I pour us a bowl and I'll tell you a story or two. He goes to the kitchen, picking up the ice cream. Freddie follows him. Freddie: It's happened to you more than once? Frasier: [chuckles, then] I'll pour you a big bowl. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is seated on the couch and rises to answer the door. He looks through the peephole and is irritated to see a pizza delivery man. He opens the door to reveal that the man has a large stack of pizzas. He begins to explain that he made no such order, when Martin rushes out in his underwear, claims the stack, and runs back to his room, leaving Frasier to pay the bill.
Plan: A: Christmas; Q: What holiday is it in the episode "Frasier"? A: Frasier; Q: Who is depressed because Natalie left him mid-date? A: the Seattle Tourist Board; Q: What is the name of the commercial that Frasier is asked to act in? A: Café Nervosa; Q: Where does Frasier meet Natalie? A: Martin; Q: Who is Niles' brother? A: Eddie; Q: Who is the star of the Seattle Tourist Board commercial? A: the video; Q: What does Natalie want Eddie to be in? A: Frederick; Q: Who is the son of Frasier? A: new goth girlfriend Andi; Q: Who does Frederick have? A: all his time; Q: How much time does Frederick want to spend with Andi? A: Niles; Q: Who believes that his father is high? A: Frederick's goth choice; Q: What does Niles think is a phase? A: a teenage rebellion; Q: What does Niles think Frederick's goth choice is typical of? A: season 1; Q: When was Niles arrested for mooning Nixon? A: president Nixon; Q: Who was Niles arrested for mooning in season one? A: reefer; Q: What does Niles decide to get high on? A: Roz; Q: Who gives Niles a pot brownie? A: Niles' car alarm; Q: What goes off when Niles gets high? A: junk food; Q: What is Martin trying to cut down on? A: cannabis; Q: What is in the brownies that Niles eats? A: a normal one; Q: What brownie does Martin buy to make sure Niles doesn't know he ate the pot brownie? A: his normal brownie; Q: What does Niles eat after eating the pot brownie? A: his eyes; Q: What part of Frasier could not believe when he saw the commercial? A: the crazy way; Q: What does Niles think his father is doing when he is high? A: a sober Frasier; Q: Who points out that their father is high? A: the date; Q: What does Natalie leave Frasier midway through? A: another man; Q: What did Natalie leave him to meet? Summary: It is Christmas . Frasier has been asked to act in a commercial for the Seattle Tourist Board, and is more than a little interested in Natalie who is arranging it. He meets her in Café Nervosa, but she also meets Martin and Eddie, and seeing how cute Eddie is, decides that he should be in the video as well - much to Frasier's chagrin . He hopes the arrival of his son Frederick will cheer him up, but when he sees he is now a goth , complete with new goth girlfriend Andi, and wants to spend all his time with her, Frasier is left a little shocked and somewhat downhearted. Niles sees Frederick's goth choice as a phase and typical of a teenage rebellion , prompting a discussion of what everyone did to rebel as a teenager, with Martin pointing out that Niles had never rebelled (even though in season 1 it is stated he was arrested for mooning president Nixon). This leads Niles to take some drastic action: he is "going to get high on reefer !". Frasier questions where he is going to get hold of some - answered when Roz delivers Niles a " pot brownie ". Niles' car alarm goes off at that point, and neither Frasier or Roz can stay so Roz gives the brownies to Martin who is just arriving in the Café. He tries to stop himself eating them, as he is trying to cut down on junk food , but can't help himself. Of course, he does not know they are laced with cannabis, but having eaten it, buys a normal one to make sure Niles doesn't know he has eaten the one destined for him. Niles, therefore, is none the wiser and eats his normal brownie still under the impression he will get high, while Frasier cannot believe his eyes when he finally sees the advert for the Seattle Tourist board - they have made Eddie the star with Frasier narrating what Eddie is saying. Undaunted, he leaves to go out on a date with Natalie after Niles arrives "high" on his pot brownie. Martin arrives soon after, and Niles believes that the crazy way his father begins acting is just the pot kicking in. It takes a sober Frasier to point out that it's their father that is high, claiming to Martin "You're stoned off your ass!", which leaves Niles somewhat deflated until his brother points out that he did get their cop father high. Meanwhile, Frasier is a bit depressed as his date (Natalie) left him midway through the date to meet another man. Freddie also experiences the same thing and the similarity in incidents help father and son to bond again.
Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider. Transcribed by guineapig. [Pre-intro scene: Mon+Rach's place. Enter Ross] Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. [A monkey (guess who?) jumps on to his shoulder.] All: Oooh! Monica: W-wait. What is that? Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? Monica: No, no, I don't. Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel? Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass! Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment? Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so... Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- [Realises] ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'. [Intro] [Scene 1: Central Perk. Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there] Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman. Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman. [Enter Joey] All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy. Monica: So, how'd it go? Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job. Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year. Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political. Monica: So what are you gonna be? Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know? Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? [They all protest and hit her with cushions] Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's? Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud! Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. Phoebe: Yeah, you wish! Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner. All: Yeah, okay. Alright. Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm. All: Woooo! Yeah! Rachel: Phoebe, you're on. Phoebe: Oh, oh, good. Rachel: [Into microphone] Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh! Phoebe: [Takes mike] Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [Shakes bell as an introduction] [Sung:] I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? [shakes bell] La lalala la la la la lalala la la... [Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.] Phoebe: [Sung] ...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy... [Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion] Phoebe: [Sung] ...I feel a little sneezy And now I- [abruptly stops] Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! [They stop talking and look up] Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group? Max: No. No, that's- that's okay. Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear! Chandler: [Quietly, to the others] That guy's going home with a note! David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my- Phoebe: Could you speak up please? David: [Stands up and speaks more loudly] Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought Max: Daryl Hannah. David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a Max: Hard quality. David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. [Sits down] Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. [Goes over to their table] Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note! [Scene 2: Mon+Rach's apartment. Again, no Joey. The gang are decorating for Christmas] Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. [Marcel wanders off] Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much? Ross: Just a smidge. Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical. Monica: I think it's romantic. Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman? Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions... Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact. Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just? Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice. Monica: What?! Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact! Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped. Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history! Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped! [Enter Joey. His shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.] Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late. [He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume] Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey! Joey: Nice shoes, huh? [He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle] Chandler: Aah, y'killing me! [Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools] Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again! Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right? Monica: Do you always have to bring him here? Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces... Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you. Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me. Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie. [Scene 3: Max and David's lab. David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.] David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions. Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then. David: Yuh. Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever? David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be [Writes YES on the board] yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you. Phoebe: Sure. David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella. Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body. David: Rrrreally. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me. David: ...Now? Now? Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now. David: Okay, okay, okay. [Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer] Y'know what, this was just really expensive. [Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope] And I'll take- this was a gift. [Moves it] Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying. David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. [Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe] You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop? Phoebe: I can hop. [She hops onto the table] [They kiss, finally] [Scene 4: Central Perk] Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you? Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby. Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby? Monica: Yeah. Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby? Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob. Rachel: [Brings Joey a mug of coffee] Okay, here we go... Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk! Rachel: [Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee] There. Now there is. Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates. Joey: Uh, four. Ross: Four. Rachel: Five. Ross: Five. [Buries his head in his hands] Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight. Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do? Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops? Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who. Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now. Monica: What's the matter? Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands... Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night. Ross: Really. Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing. Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing? Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that. Ross: No. Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon... [Max runs in] Max: Phoebe. Hi. Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody? Max: No. Have you seen David? Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around. Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk. Phoebe: Minsk? Max: Minsk. It's in Russia. Phoebe: I know where Minsk is. Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid. Phoebe: So when, when do you leave? Max: January first. [Commercial] [Scene 5: Max and David's lab. They are working. Phoebe knocks on the door] Phoebe: Hello? David: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. David: Hi! [Kisses her] What-what're you doing here? Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so [Puts on a fake cheery voice] congratulations! This is so exciting! Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going. Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? [Fake disappointed voice] Oh, why? Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' [Storms out] David: Thank you, Max. Thank you. Phoebe: So-so you're really not going? David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide. Phoebe: Oh don't do that. David: Please. Phoebe: Oh no no. David: No, but I'm asking- Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that- David: No, but I can't- Phoebe: It's your thing, and- David: -make the decision- Phoebe: Okay, um, stay. David: Stay. Phoebe: Stay. [He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table] Phoebe: Getting so good at that! [She hops on] David: It was Max's stuff. [They kiss] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 6: Mon+Rach's- the party] Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! [Laughs her Janice laugh] Chandler: You remember Janice. Monica: Vividly. [Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it] Monica: Hi. Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy. Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! [She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl]...You brought your kids. Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right? [Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder] Ross: Par-tay! Monica: That thing is not coming in here. Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home? Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table. Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened... Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me. Ross: Thank you. [She walks off] C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? [Marcel runs off] Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later. [The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look] Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo? Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight. Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated? Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? [To Monica] Are people eating my dip? [Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom] Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf. Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty. Sandy: Yeah. [They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them] Joey: Hey, kids... Ross: [Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler] Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in. Janice: [Startles them] There you are! Haaah, you got away from me! Chandler: [Imitating] But you found me! Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. [Hands him a camera and he starts snapping] Smile! You're on Janice Camera! Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now. [Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole] Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby! [Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed] Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am! Joey: [Approaching] Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died? [Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back] [Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears] Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again. Janice: [Ross is still taking their photo] Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter. Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we- Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no. Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood... Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. [She runs off] [Ross is still taking photos] Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. [Snatches the camera] [David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up] Phoebe: Hi, Max! Max: Yoko. [To David] I've decided to go to Minsk without you. David: Wow. Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.[Walks off] Phoebe: Are you alright? David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. [Phoebe leads David into a bedroom] Phoebe: You're going to Minsk. David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk. Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me. David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you. Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say [Hits him] 'no! No! I can't understand that!'. David: Uh, ow. Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. [He does so] And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me. David: I'll never forget you. Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. [They kiss] I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy. Dick Clark (TV): Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square... [Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids] Joey: There y'go, kids. Chandler: [To a woman who he has clearly just met] And then the peacock bit me. [Laughs] Please kiss me at midnight. [She leaves] Joey: You seen Sandy? Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you. Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing. The gang [in the kitchen]: What? Rachel: The bll is drrbing! Dick Clark (TV): In twenty seconds it'll be midnight... Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us. Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out. Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that. Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby! [Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses] Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. [Makes kiss noise] Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. Rachel: I can't kiss anyone. Monica: So I'm kissing everyone? Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother. Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me. Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me! Joey: Alrightalrightalright. [Kisses him. Ross takes a photo] There. [Credits] [Credits scene: Still the party. Time lapse] Ross: [Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel] I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back. Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.
Plan: A: The gang; Q: Who makes a pact not to bring dates to their New Year's Eve party? A: Phoebe; Q: Who confronts the scientist guys at Central Perk? A: David; Q: Who does Phoebe date? A: ( Hank Azaria; Q: Who is David? A: Their relationship; Q: What does Phoebe and David have a good time with until they are offered a grant in Minsk? A: career-making research; Q: What does David decide to do instead of staying with Phoebe? A: Monica; Q: Who invites 'Fun' Bobby to the party? A: Sandy's children; Q: Who does Joey feel uncomfortable around? A: David's friend; Q: Who does Joey end up in the bedroom with? A: Rachel; Q: Who's plan to bring Paolo to the party is derailed when he misses his flight? A: Italy; Q: Where did Paolo miss his flight from? A: the airport; Q: Where did Rachel arrive from after a fight with a woman? A: a swollen lip; Q: What does Rachel have after a fight with a woman? A: a fight; Q: What did Rachel get into with a woman over a cab? A: Chandler; Q: Who breaks up with Janice? A: Marcel; Q: What is the name of Ross's new pet monkey? A: the pact; Q: What does everyone end up fulfilling? A: midnight; Q: When does Chandler whine he has no-one to kiss? Summary: The gang makes a pact not to bring dates to their New Year's Eve party, but everyone soon breaks it except Ross. While performing at Central Perk, Phoebe confronts some noisy scientist guys then dates one, David ( Hank Azaria ), whom she brings to the party. Their relationship goes well until David and his research partner are offered a grant in Minsk, and he must choose to stay with Phoebe or go for career-making research. Monica invites 'Fun' Bobby, who arrives unhappy because his grandfather just died. Joey is uncomfortable around his date Sandy's children, who she brought to the party, though she ends up in the bedroom with David's friend. Rachel's plan to bring Paolo is derailed after he misses his flight from Italy. She arrives home from the airport disheveled and sporting a swollen lip after a fight with a woman over a cab. Chandler snaps, and invites Janice, but breaks up with her again after she mistakenly thinks he wants to get back together. Ross arrives with his new pet, a monkey named Marcel, who ignores Ross. In the end, everyone ends up without a date and fulfilling the pact. When Chandler whines he has no-one to kiss at midnight; Joey does the honors.
THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN by MERVYN HAISMAN and HENRY LINCOLN first broadcast - 6th November 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. CAVE (In the cave, the Intelligence has grown to cover the tunnel floor, and is expanding faster and faster...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. COURTYARD, MONASTERY (TRAVERS has just told the DOCTOR about what he has seen earlier on.) DOCTOR: It was Songsten who took this pyramid into the cave? TRAVERS: That's right. JAMIE: And the Yeti never harmed him? TRAVERS: No. DOCTOR: Songsten. He's the link I've been looking for. THOMNI: But Khrisong is with Songsten now. DOCTOR: Then he is in danger! (The four of them rush off to help.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. ANTEROOM, INNER SANCTUM (Outside the doors to the Inner Sanctum, KHRISONG catches up with SONGSTEN...) KHRISONG: Songsten, danger! You are in great danger! Come away from this place! SONGSTEN: What madness is this? (The VOICE of the Great Intelligence, which dominates PADMASAMBHAVA'S own voice, intervenes.) VOICE: (OOV.) KHRISONG, WHENCE CAME YOU BY SUCH FOOLISH THOUGHTS? KHRISONG: Don't try and frighten me! Who are you? I demand to know what is happening! SONGSTEN: (Annoyed.) Demand? You are in the presence of the Master. KHRISONG: Yes, a master who controls the Yeti. What is hidden in there? SONGSTEN: Forgive him Master. PADMASAMBHAVA: Of course, but our brother must not be allowed to depart in the knowledge that I am other than what I am. (The VOICE returns.) VOICE: (OOV.) Songsten! (SONGSTEN goes back into a trance.) KHRISONG: Why do you put him in a trance? (The doors to the Inner Sanctum opens...) VOICE: (OOV.) You understand, Songsten? SONGSTEN: I understand, Master. (He bids KHRISONG to enter.) PADMASAMBHAVA: You may enter, Khrisong. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INNER SANCTUM (KHRISONG starts to enter, a little awed, but then SONGSTEN stops him...) SONGSTEN: One moment! You may not take weapons into the presence of the Master. (KHRISONG pauses to think about it...) VOICE: (OOV.) ARE YOU AFRAID? (KHRISONG hands over his sword to the Abbot when requested. As soon as his back is turned, SONGSTEN runs him through.) KHRISONG: Waahh! (KHRISONG falls to the ground in great pain.) PADMASAMBHAVA: You have done well, Songsten. You will now... (PADMASAMBHAVA's real personality starts to re-emerge when he realised what he has done.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Why are you making me do this? Why? Release me... I beg of you... I am... (The Intelligence takes control again.) VOICE: (OOV.) SONGSTEN, YOU WILL NOW GO FORTH WITH THE MONKS. YOU WILL NEVER RETURN. (During this, the door to the Inner Sanctum close again.) SONGSTEN: Yes, Master. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. ANTEROOM, INNER SANCTUM (The DOCTOR and his companions rush down the corridor...) JAMIE: Khrisong, where are you? (The four of them arrive to see KHRISONG'S stricken body and the Abbot with a blood-stained sword in his hands.) DOCTOR: Khrisong! THOMNI: What has happened? JAMIE: Khrisong! TRAVERS: We're too late. (SONGSTEN comes out of his trance and discovers the five looking over the body.) SONGSTEN: What have you done to Khrisong? TRAVERS: What have we done? Well that's a bit cool, I must say. THOMNI: You have killed him! SONGSTEN: I...? VOICE: (OOV.) SONGSTEN, KILL THEM! (Immediately SONGSTEN falls back into his trance and charges the group with the sword.) DOCTOR: Jamie, grab hold of him! His hands! (They manage to overpower the Abbot and force the sword out of his hand.) DOCTOR: Quick, get him out of here! KHRISONG: Doctor! (JAMIE, THOMNI and TRAVERS drag the Abbot away while the DOCTOR kneels to be by KHRISONG who is in his death throes.) DOCTOR: It's all right, lie still, I'll get help. KHRISONG: Too late, my time has come. Closer. My brothers... they are not... to blame Songsten... He was... in a trance. DOCTOR: I understand now just try... KHRISONG: Go! Leave.. leave me.. (And so the warrior monk dies and, in sadness, the DOCTOR leave the Anteroom. When they have gone, the room is filled by the hideous laughter of the Intelligence.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. GREAT HALL (THOMNI and the others enter the Hall to tell the others the news.) THOMNI: My brothers! My brothers, Khrisong is dead. SAPAN: Dead? RALPACHAN: By whose hand? THOMNI: By the hand of our Abbot, Songsten. SAPAN: This cannot be. TRAVERS: Aye, it's true enough. SAPAN: No. What reason would he have to do such a vile thing? JAMIE: Obviously he thought Khrisong knew too much. SAPAN: Songsten, is this true? (SONGSTEN screams into life and must quickly be overpowered again.) SONGSTEN: Aaah! JAMIE: Keep back! RALPACHAN: Do not interfere, stranger! JAMIE: No, leave him alone, there's been enough killing... VICTORIA: Oh, Jamie, no! THOMNI: Wait! Wait, my brothers, this is no time for rashness. DOCTOR: He is quite right! He is quite right! You listen to him. RALPACHAN: Well? SONGSTEN: Kill them... kill them... kill them... THOMNI: Look, is this our Abbot who loves peace. Surely you can see he was made to kill Khrisong. He is a helpless puppet! TRAVERS: But I saw him on the mountain, he was leading the Yeti! DOCTOR: Yes, but by command, unknowingly. Thomni is right, Songsten is merely a puppet. SAPAN: Who has done this to him? (RALPACHAN points a finger at the outsiders.) RALPACHAN: Is it you? THOMNI: No! I tell you I saw Songsten change. He was put in a trance, by the Master. (This causes shock among the monks.) SAPAN: Have a care what you say. (The DOCTOR has had enough of the argument.) DOCTOR: Now listen to me, all of you. Your Abbot is not responsible! But neither is Padmasambhava, he too is controlled. Now do as you'd planned. Leave the monastery, there is great evil here. TRAVERS: No Doctor, you're wrong. The evil is on the mountains. It's that hideous thing in the caves. (SAPAN makes a decision.) SAPAN: Wherever it may be, what can we do to overcome such a force? My brothers, let us obey the Doctor. THOMNI: What of you, Doctor? DOCTOR: I will stay here, Thomni. JAMIE: Oh, me too. VICTORIA: Why? DOCTOR: I have to. This things that's here, this evil, it will spread. It has to be stopped and I think I can do it. Thomni, will you help me? It will be dangerous. THOMNI: You can rid us of this evil? DOCTOR: Yes, I think I can. And if we succeed the monks will be able to return. THOMNI: Then of course I will help. (VICTORIA doesn't like the situation.) VICTORIA: Doctor, you're not going to send me away with the monks, are you? DOCTOR: Yes, Victoria, I think it best. VICTORIA: Well, I won't go. DOCTOR: No, I didn't think you would. (JAMIE notices a change in SONGSTEN.) JAMIE: Hey Doctor! Songsten, he's unconscious. RALPACHAN: Sapan, tend our Abbot. DOCTOR: No! Wait. There are things I have to find out and only Songsten can tell me. JAMIE: What makes you so sure he's going to do that? DOCTOR: Sit him down here, Jamie. Over there. (They start to move SONGSTEN to the chair. Meanwhile TRAVERS motions RALPACHAN over to him...) TRAVERS: The Doctor's got it wrong. I've seen that thing in the cave. That's what we've got to destroy. RALPACHAN: The Doctor thinks the evil is in here... TRAVERS: I know, I've seen it, he hasn't. He said himself that Padmasambhava was being controlled. And it's that thing that's doing it. I'm going to get at it. Are you coming with me? RALPACHAN: Very well! TRAVERS: Good man, come on. RALPACHAN: What do you plan to do? TRAVERS: I don't quite know yet. Get to that cave... the pyramid's the answer... I just have to take a shot at it with this. Come on. (They leave the room with some warrior monks while the DOCTOR hypnotises SONGSTEN in order to elicit more information about the intelligence and its purpose...) DOCTOR: And the Yeti? SONGSTEN: They were designed to serve the Intelligence. DOCTOR: I see. Now this intelligence, ah, it is confined to the cave? SONGSTEN: No. DOCTOR: No? SONGSTEN: It has broken its promise. Now it demands the whole mountain. DOCTOR: I see. Now, Songsten, I want you to help me. SONGSTEN: I want to help you. DOCTOR: Now these Yeti, they are controlled? SONGSTEN: Yes, by Padmasambhava. DOCTOR: Yes, but the control units, they were made somehow, somewhere? SONGSTEN: The Master laboured for nearly two hundred years. With the help of the Intelligence he built the creatures and the other wonderful machines. DOCTOR: These small Yeti models, their movements must be mirrored by the real robots? SONGSTEN: True. DOCTOR: But there must be a controller. A machine that gives out the orders. Now, where is that control? SONGSTEN: The sanctum. DOCTOR: But I have seen the sanctum? SONGSTEN: Throne. Behind the throne there lies a hidden room. DOCTOR: How do I get into it? Songsten, how do I get into it? (But the Abbot says nothing more.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. MOUNTAINSIDE (TRAVERS, still convinced that the DOCTOR wrong, heads up the mountain towards the cave with RALPACHAN. On their way up they pass several Yeti going down, towards the monastery.) TRAVERS: A close one. Heading towards the monastery. RALPACHAN: Should we not return? TRAVERS: No, now we've come this far. Let's push on. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. GREAT HALL (The DOCTOR places the Abbot in the charge of SAPAN.) DOCTOR: Take care of him, Sapan. SAPAN: I will. He has suffered much. SONGSTEN: Is it time to leave? (SAPAN and the Abbot leave the room.) DOCTOR: Now as soon as the monks have left, we must get into that control room. JAMIE: How do we get past Padma-thingme? DOCTOR: I'll deal with him. But remember, as soon as we're in the sanctum, whatever happens, Thomni and you must smash the controls! VICTORIA: What do you mean, whatever happens'? DOCTOR: Padmasambhava will use super-normal powers if necessary. For a start he will try to hypnotise you again. VICTORIA: Well how can I stop him? DOCTOR: Thomni, you better teach her the 'Jewel of the Lotus Prayer'. It'll give her something to concentrate on. THOMNI: Yes, Doctor. (JAMIE notices that TRAVIS is gone.) DOCTOR: Jamie, where is Travers? JAMIE: Travers? DOCTOR: Well he's not here. JAMIE: Perhaps he's deserted us. DOCTOR: No, I don't somehow think he's done that, but I'd like to know what he's up to. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. MOUNTAINSIDE TRAVERS: Well we're going the right way, there's some sort of path along here. RALPACHAN: Look! What is it? TRAVERS: It's that hideous light from the cave. It's spreading all over the mountain. RALPACHAN: It's blinding me. How can we reach the pyramid? TRAVERS: We can't it's too late for that now I'm afraid. RALPACHAN: But it will engulf the monastery. (Shooting the pyramid is no longer possible. Defeated, they are forced to turn back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. GREAT HALL (The monks prepare to leave.) SAPAN: Doctor, why will you not accept the aid of our warrior brothers? DOCTOR: Because they are needed to guard you and the lamas, Sapan. THOMNI: Besides brave hearts will not suffice for this battle. SAPAN: Protect them Thomni. We shall pray for you. DOCTOR: Thank you. Don't worry, everything will be all right. When it's all over you can come back. I hope. (SAPAN bows and the monks leave the DOCTOR little group - JAMIE, VICTORIA, and THOMNI. The DOCTOR turns to them to give them a pep-talk.) DOCTOR: Now don't forget, I will go into the sanctum first and deal with Padmasambhava. And, as soon as it's safe, make for the curtain behind the throne. That's where the control room is! THOMNI: When we have destroyed the machine what will happen? DOCTOR: I haven't the faintest idea. JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: Don't worry, Jamie, it's going to be all right. JAMIE: Hey, we might all be blown to smithereens! VICTORIA: What am I supposed to do? DOCTOR: Well nothing I hope, but one of us just might need help. Are we ready? Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. MAIN GATE (TRAVERS and RALPACHAN approach the monastery. All the monks have left and three Yeti are standing guard outside the gates. They are activated but immobile - waiting.) RALPACHAN: What shall we do? TRAVERS: Looks as though we're well and truly cooked. RALPACHAN: Look! There, below us, torches. The monks must have left. TRAVERS: Yes, but has the Doctor? RALPACHAN: How can we tell, we are trapped. TRAVERS: I don't know. RALPACHAN: We cannot enter the monastery. TRAVERS: Looks as though... we'll just have to sit tight. RALPACHAN: Can we not try and join my brothers? TRAVERS: No! The Doctor may still be in there. I'm sure he is. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. ANTEROOM, INNER SANCTUM (The DOCTOR and his party arrive at the Ante-chamber. The Intelligence voice hisses through the air.) VOICE: (OOV.) WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY DID YOU NOT HEED MY WARNING? YOU ARE STUBBORN, DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Who are you? (The VOICE tries to return to PADMASAMBHAVA's normal voice but can't - the result is a mixture of PADMASAMBHAVA's voice and the Intelligence hissing voice.) VOICE: (OOV.) YOU KNOW WELL IT IS I THE MASTER, PADMASAMBHAVA, WHO SPEAKS. DOCTOR: Oh no it isn't. I know Padmasambhava, he's my friend. Where have you come from? Why are you using his body in this fashion? VOICE: (OOV.) SUCH AS A BRAIN AS YOURS IS TOO SMALL TO GRASP MY PURPOSE. DOCTOR: Too small? VOICE: (OOV.) I am much power. DOCTOR: Much power? Just a... (A torch lifts from the wall and swipes towards the DOCTOR who ducks. VICTORIA gives a little cry in fright.) DOCTOR: Simple levitation, a childish trick. Now stop playing games and open these doors. Or are you afraid to meet me face to face? (The taunt seems to work and the doors to the Inner Sanctum creak open.) VOICE: (OOV.) YOU ARE RASH. (The DOCTOR turns to the others one final time...) DOCTOR: Now anything can happen now, just trust me and above all don't panic. (As previously planned he goes in first on his own, bringing himself under mental attack from the Great Intelligence. The DOCTOR cries out in pain...) DOCTOR: (OOV.) Aah Oh! (And JAMIE nearly runs in after him.) VICTORIA: No! No! The Doctor said to wait! DOCTOR: Now! JAMIE: Come on, Thomni! [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INNER SANCTUM (Entering the Inner Sanctum they find themselves held immobile by the Great Intelligence. Sensing victory, it gives out a ghastly laugh, but then the DOCTOR steps up his efforts and JAMIE and THOMNI break free from its grip.) DOCTOR: Quickly! Into the control room, smash the controls! JAMIE: To work, Thomni! (They run to the control room behind the throne and start smashing up all the alien artifacts within. VICTORIA, still stuck, sees the hand of PADMASAMBHAVA move over to the models by his side and bring in the Yeti to help him.) VICTORIA: Doctor, he's bringing the Yeti in! (The DOCTOR's face is covered in sweat from the mental battle...) DOCTOR: Victoria, Victoria, I can't hold him! The models... knock over the models! No, Victoria, don't let him! Jewel of the Lotus'! Om mane padme hum... Om mane padme hum... VICTORIA: (Chanting.) Om mane padme hum... Om mane padme hum... (But she was completely unable to move...) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. MAIN GATE (Outside the monastery gates, the three Yeti come to life and start moving in, rapidly, towards the Inner Sanctum. TRAVERS and the warrior monk follow them in.) TRAVERS: At last! Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INNER SANCTUM (VICTORIA is still chanting away but still unable to move, the DOCTOR is still trying to hold the Intelligence in check and JAMIE and THOMNI is still destroying the alien equipment.) VICTORIA: Om mane padme hum. Oh it's no good, I can't move. DOCTOR: You've got to! VICTORIA: I... I can't! DOCTOR: (Turns to see Yeti starting to come into the room.) Jamie! Jamie! Jamie! Yeti's coming! (JAMIE hears this in the control room.) JAMIE: Yeti? THOMNI: But we have destroyed the machines. JAMIE: Well there must be something else that controls them. (He recalls a large sphere in there which looks like one of the Yeti control units.) JAMIE: The control unit, of course the sphere! (JAMIE and THOMNI find it and when it's smashed the control units in the Yeti explode, just in the nick of time as one's about to come down on the Doctor with its claw.) VOICE: (Undeterred.) ONE STROKE OF FORTUNE WILL NOT SAVE YOU. (TRAVERS, who arrived with the Yeti, fires a shot into the body of PADMASAMBHAVA.) VOICE: STUPID MAN, DID YOU NOT FEEL ENOUGH OF MY POWER WHEN YOU MET ME IN THE CAVE? TRAVERS: (Puzzled.) The cave? DOCTOR: The cave! (Finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together.) Jamie, there was a pyramid in the cave! JAMIE: There's one here too. DOCTOR: Destroy it! PADMASAMBHAVA & VOICE: Noooo! (As JAMIE and THOMNI smash the pyramid in the control room, PADMASAMBHAVA's body convulses and drops back limp onto the throne, and the pyramid in the cave bursts in a huge explosion which takes out most of the mountain. The Great Intelligence is defeated - it's links with the Earth severed. PADMASAMBHAVA regains control of his body for the last time...) VICTORIA: Look at him. (PADMASAMBHAVA forces his body to look onto the DOCTOR with his last ounce of strength.) PADMASAMBHAVA: At last peace... Doctor... (His eyes close and the old man passes away...) DOCTOR: (Softly.) Goodbye old friend. JAMIE: You all right, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, Jamie, it worked. The Intelligence is destroyed. TRAVERS: Yes, well it a... was most decidedly tricky for a minute or two. DOCTOR: Yes, Thomni, you can signal the monks, they can return. TRAVERS: Doctor, are you trying to tell me that that old man was responsible for all this? The Yeti? The cave? DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. He was just a tool in the hands of a monstrous brain. It wasn't his fault. VICTORIA: It's horrible, let's get away from here. JAMIE: Aye, come on. (We hear THOMNI slowly sounding the Detsen gong to call the Monks back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. MAIN GATE (A little later - The DOCTOR and his two companions are dressed ready to leave. THOMNI tries to get them to stay for a little while longer...) THOMNI: Please Doctor, our Abbot will be most grieved that he did not thank you personally. Will you not wait? DOCTOR: Ah no, Thomni, we're anxious to get back to the TARD... (JAMIE coughs obviously trying to tell the DOCTOR not to confuse the young Monk further. The DOCTOR takes the hint.) DOCTOR: We're anxious to get back. THOMNI: Goodbye, Doctor. (TRAVERS appears also dressed in travelling clothes.) TRAVERS: I'll see them safely up the mountain. DOCTOR: Goodbye, Thomni. JAMIE: Goodbye. VICTORIA: Bye, Thomni. (They leave with the gong still sounding, advising the monks they can return.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. MOUNTAINSIDE (Halfway up they see the remains of one of the Yeti.) JAMIE: Aye, well those things won't bother us anymore, Doctor. VICTORIA: Those horrible things. DOCTOR: Ah, they were clever machines. Almost a pity to have had them destroyed. Well at least you'll have something to take home from your expedition, Mr Travers. TRAVERS: I suppose so. But nobody would believe me, they'd think I'd had it made. No, I'm afraid the expedition's over now. (Then VICTORIA spots a timid furry creature up the mountain, a real Yeti.) VICTORIA: Oh Doctor, look! JAMIE: Oh no! DOCTOR: It can't be! TRAVERS: A Yeti! A real Yeti! At last! 'scuse the haste. Goodbye and all that. Mustn't lose this one. (TRAVERS, excited, sets off to pursue it. The DOCTOR and his companions laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. TARDIS, MOUNTAINSIDE (The three time-travellers talk as they walk towards the TARDIS.) JAMIE: Do you think he'll ever find his abominable snowman, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well that we shall never know, Jamie. (He notices that the young Scot is shivering.) DOCTOR: What's the matter with you, are you cold or something? JAMIE: Oh it's all right for you in your home-made Yeti kit. (He refers to the DOCTOR's large furry coat.) DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose there is a little bit of a nip in the air. JAMIE: A nip! A nip, just look at my knees, they're bright blue. (The DOCTOR looks at the legs.) DOCTOR: A horrible sight. JAMIE: Could you not land us somewhere warmer next time? DOCTOR: Jamie, you never know, do you? (...and as they enter the TARDIS he starts a little tune on his recorder...)
Plan: A: the Great Intelligence; Q: What is on the verge of becoming corporeal? A: the Doctor; Q: Who challenges Padmasambhva to a mental battle? Summary: With the Great Intelligence on the verge of becoming corporeal, the Doctor challenges Padmasambhva to a mental battle in order to defeat it.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] HALEY : Look at that, you wrote your thank-you note to grandpa Dan, huh? JAMIE : Do you think he'll like it? HALEY : Oh, I think he's gonna love it! DOCTOR : We'll put Angie under a general anesthesia. We'll stop her heart, and then I'll do the repairs. LINDSEY : It's not me that has to make a decision about Lucas. It's you. Go home and read his book. PLAYER 1 : So we're all just gonna shoot 3s, coach? LUCAS : Yeah, for the most part. PLAYER 2 : Who's gonna get us the ball? QUENTIN : Me. DAN : I need to fix it. I need to fix all of it... You, us. I need that peace before I die. Let me help you with what little time I have left. Don't deny a dying man his last wish. NATHAN : I can never forgive you... Not now, not ever. TREE HILL GYM During a basketball game, Lucas got angry at the referee REFEREE : Out of bout warrior ball. LUCAS : What?! You're kidding me. On the street, that's assault. You're not even gonna call that a foul in here? (Lucas throws the basketball his was holding) THE HOSPITAL Brooke is sitting in the waiting room, crying. Dr Copeland, Angie's heart surgeon, comes toward Brooke in scrubs COPELAND : Brooke. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan enters his mom's room and finds her flashing her webcam NATHAN : Hey, mom? Oh! OUTSIDE CLOTHES OVER BROS Dan is walking, reading his newspaper when a water balloon falls in front of him IN THE STREET We see Jamie walking alone EIGHTEEN HOURS EARLIER BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Peyton is sleeping. The phone rings and the answering machine start running WOMEN (on the phone) : Hi, I'm calling from dr. Copeland's office for Brooke Davis. (Peyton starts waking up) WOMEN (on the phone) : Brooke, it's urgent that you call us... (Peyton picks up) PEYTON : Hello? Uh-Huh. Yeah, no, sure, just...Brooke! It's Angie's surgery! THE HOSPITAL Brooke and Peyton arrive at the hospital with Angie PEYTON : Okay, tell me again why Angie's surgery is so last-Minute. BROOKE : 'Cause it's all done on a volunteer basis. Surgeons donate their services, so it depends on when they have an opening and the right medical and everything. I just didn't think it was gonna be today. PEYTON : Well, what can I do? BROOKE : You're doing it. Thank you. But would you mind calling Lucas for me? He's just gotten so attached to Angie, and I think he's gonna want to know. PEYTON : Yeah. Sure. I'll be back. BROOKE : Okay. (Peyton leaves and Brooke goes see the clerk) BROOKE : Hey, come on. THE APARTMENT Lucas enters Skills' room, who is in front of his computer LUCAS : Hey, coach. SKILLS : Hey. Uh, thanks for the coffee. What's up, man? LUCAS : Uh, you know, I was thinking maybe we could go over tonight's game plan one more time. SKILLS : Look, it's gonna work, bro. And if it don't, they'll just fire the head coach and hire me, right? Win-Win. (Both laugh) SKILLS : So, what else is bothering you? LUCAS : Nothing. Why? SKILLS : 'Cause you got that "something else is bothering me" look. Come on, keep it real. Talk to your boy. LUCAS : Nothing just... I haven't heard from Lindsey in a while, you know, maybe a week, and I... I mean, it's one thing for her to give me the key back, but... I mean, she's still editing my book. I think she's ducking me. SKILLS : Nah, she's ain't ducking you, bro. She's probably just busy. LUCAS : Yeah. I just wish she'd call, you know? SKILLS : It'll be okay, but until then, you know what heals a broken heart more than anything? LUCAS : Hmm? SKILLS : Bacon. Smell that? Thank god for Millicent. Come on, man. (They both leave the room) NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie is in his bed, Nathan comes in NATHAN : Knock, knock. JAMIE : Who's there? NATHAN : A dad who's gonna leave without you don't if drag y bone out of bed. JAMIE : No, it's okay. I'm ready. (Jamie stand up, all dress already) NATHAN : I can see that. JAMIE : Hey daddy, knock, knock. NATHAN : Who's there? JAMIE : Ya. NATHAN : Ya, who? JAMIE : Yahoo! There's a ravens game tonight NATHAN : That's right, so we gotta get going, come on JAMIE : Okay, I just got to get my cape. (Jamie grabs his cape and they leave) THE HOSPITAL Brooke is holding Angie. Dr Copeland arrives COPELAND : Brooke. BROOKE : Hi. Big day huh COPELAND : How you holding up? BROOKE : Nervous. Please tell me you're not... You're not nervous. COPELAND : She's gonna do great, okay? So are you. (A nurse joins them) NURSE : Dr. Copeland, we're all set COPELAND : Okay, this is gonna take a little while, but as soon as I'm done, I will come out and let you know, okay? BROOKE : Okay. COPELAND : Nurse lee is gonna take Angie now. BROOKE : Okay. BROOKE (to Angie) : Hey. Hey, sweet girl. The nice nurse is gonna take you for your surgery now, okay? But nothing is gonna happen to you. (Brooke starts crying) BROOKE (to Angie) : I promise, okay? They're just gonna take you and make you better. You're gonna be better, ok? (Brooke gives Angie to the nurse and all three starts leaving) BROOKE : Dr. Copeland. What's your name? Your first name? COPELAND : Just try to relax, Brooke, okay? She's in good hands. BROOKE : Okay. THE RIVERWALK Nathan is hauling Jamie who's on his scooter JAMIE : How you doing, dad? NATHAN : Hanging in there. JAMIE : Good 'cause it feel like we kind of slowed down. NATHAN : Nah, we're good. (Nathan stops in front of a hill) JAMIE : Maybe we should turn around and go back. NATHAN : Why? You don't think I can make it up this hill? JAMIE : I'm not supposed to lie, right? NATHAN : Watch your old man work. (Nathan starts running again) JAMIE : Come on dad! You can do it! Mush! THE RIVERCOURT Jamie and Nathan arrive there JAMIE : We made it halfway up... Well, almost halfway. NATHAN : I don't know, James. I've got a long way to go if I'm ever gonna play basketball again. I keep trying to do the things I used to do and my body's just telling me I can't. JAMIE : I think you can. NATHAN : Thanks, buddy. JAMIE : You want to borrow my cape? NATHAN : Yeah, you know what I think I might need it. (Jamie gives his cape to Nathan who put it on) NATHAN : All right, thank you. You know what else I'm gonna need? That scooter! (Nathan grabs it) JAMIE : Hey! You get back here. THE HOSPITAL Brooke and Peyton are in the waiting room. Brooke is nervous BROOKE : How long's it been? PEYTON : About an hour. BROOKE : You said that last time I asked PEYTON : I know, honey. You asked like 30 seconds ago. BROOKE : Sorry. PEYTON : It's okay. Hey, I know you're nervous. She's gonna be fine. BROOKE : Yeah. You should get going PEYTON : Mnh-Mnh. I'm good. BROOKE : Peyton, I know you have a big day today. PEYTON : Okay. Well, then, tomorrow will just be a bigger day. BROOKE : I don't even know his first name. Dr. Copeland. I hope it's something nice... Not like a last name for a first name... You know, like "Monroe"... or "Madison." PEYTON : Lucas. BROOKE (laughing) : Yeah, really. PEYTON : No, I mean Lucas is here. BROOKE : Oh. LUCAS : Brooke I... I'm so sorry. I left my cellphone at home. How's she doing? BROOKE : I don't know. They... They said it was gonna take a while and that they'd let me know as soon as she was out of surgery LUCAS : Okay, well, then, uh... I'll just wait here with you if that's okay. BROOKE : Yeah, thanks. I'd like that... Considering Peyton has to go. PEYTON : Brooke, I... BROOKE : P. Sawyer, I love you, but I know your day's insane, and... I will feel better if at least one of us getting something done besides waiting, so... Please? For me PEYTON : All right, you call me first thing. BROOKE : I will. (They hug) BROOKE : Thank you. LUCAS : Bye, Peyton. PEYTON : Bye, Luke. (Peyton leaves, Lucas and Brooke sit together) While Peyton is in the hallway, she walks by another room where Dan is with his doctor, but she doesn't see him DOCTOR : Over the next couple of months, you're gonna start to feel sluggish. It's important not to push it. There is some good news, though. DAN : What? I've got seven months to live instead of six? DOCTOR : 'cause your physical size and blood type you're number two on the donor recipient list for a compatible heart. Wear this pager with you 24 hours a day. If a heart becomes available, we'll have about six hours to place it. DAN : Number two, huh? What's it gonna cost for me to get to number one? DOCTOR : Well, I'm pretty certain reverend Carter isn't willing barter with his life. He's in pretty bad shape. Good man, too. DAN : Good man? What's that supposed to mean... "Good man"? DOCTOR : We're not allowed to discriminate when it comes to saving lives, Dan. If the heart fits, my job is to place it into whoever needs it. DAN : Oh, I see. It doesn't matter if they're miracle workers or murderers. RED BEDROOM STUDIO Haley is putting a picture of Nathan and Jamie on the piano. Peyton arrives. PEYTON : Hey, sorry. HALEY : It's okay. How's Brooke? PEYTON : Um, scared to death but trying to be brave. HALEY : I feel like I should go by and see her. PEYTON : No, no, no, I already told you, you are under strict orders not to go anywhere until you have recorded at least one song. HALEY : All right, fine. Even in a crisis she is bossy (We hear a voice from a microphone) MIA : Maybe I just don't like Peyton. (Mia is in the booth) MIA : Oh, damn. Was that talkback on again? (Haley and Peyton laugh, happy to see her) NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Jamie come home. Nathan is exhausted. They both finish a bottle of juice in the kitchen NATHAN : You want to take care of that for me, baller? (Nathan gives his bottle to Jamie) JAMIE : Grandma... Uh, I mean, nanny Deb will do it. NATHAN : Dude, nanny Deb is not your maid. JAMIE : Actually, she kind of is. NATHAN : Well, you can still pick up after yourself Recycling... Now, you little knucklehead. (Nathan leaves; Jamie goes to the trash and sees his drawing inside) RED BEDROOM STUDIO Mia comes out of the booth to hug Haley MIA : This is so great, you guys. Look at you go, Peyton. PEYTON : Me? Look at you . You've sold nearly 100,000 copies, dude. MIA : Well, hey, man, that's you and Haley and that creepy label guy from LA. That you have some sort of weird sexual tension with. PEYTON : Ew. No, I don't. MIA : You kind of do. HALEY : What about you, rock star? You got any flings we can scold you about while secretly wanting to hear more? MIA : No, you know how it is, Haley. It's a different city every night and press in the morning. I can't even imagine having a date, let alone an actual relationship. (Haley seems sad and nostalgic) PEYTON : Uh, well, you have plenty of time for boys. You are, what, like 18 years old? Oh, speaking of... Do you want to do a psa for rock the vote? MIA : Hell, yes. That's so cool. PEYTON : All right, cool. We'll set it up. Come here (Peyton gives Mia a hug) PEYTON : It's really good to see you, buddy MIA : You, too. PEYTON : You coming, Haley? HALEY : Yeah, I'll... I'll be right there. PEYTON : Okay. (Peyton and Mia leave. Haley sighs and looks at the picture of Nathan and Jamie) NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Deb is in a bedroom, in front of a computer, laughing. DEB : Oh, you naughty man. (She takes of her shirt and flashes the webcam. Nathan enters. It's the same scene as the beginning of the episode) NATHAN : Hey, mom. Oh! Damn it, mom! (Nathan leaves the room) DEB : Doesn't anyone knock around here? Deb and Nathan are in the kitchen NATHAN : Geez. Geez, mom, what if Jamie had walked in? DEB : I thought the door was locked. Besides, you said you were going for a run. NATHAN : Well, Jamie got tired. DEB : Hmm NATHAN : Okay, fine, I got tired, but that's not the point, mom. What were you doing? DEB : I met someone online. NATHAN : Ugh. Who? DEB : I don't know exactly. We've never seen each other. Well, he's seen parts of me, but... NATHAN : Stop, okay? Mom, you're chatting with some stranger on the internet. DEB : He's very romantic. He's sensual. We're arranging to meet soon. NATHAN : Come on, mom. This is just weird. DEB : What is so weird about it? NATHAN : You don't think it's weird that you're hiding in my spare bedroom flashing some webcam? DEB : I wasn't hiding. Besides, all those times you locked yourself in the bathroom when you were 12? NATHAN : Okay, stop. DEB : I knew what you were doing. NATHAN : Mom. DEB : You were in there all the time. (After a blank) DEB : Where is Jamie, anyway? NATHAN : I don't know. I guess I lost track of him when you blinded me. Ugh. Jamie! (Nathan starts looking for him) IN THE STREET Jamie is walking alone, holding his letter to Dan, as in the beginning of the episode. Haley passes by him in her car HALEY : Jamie. James Lucas Scott, what are you doing out on the street alone? (Jamie doesn't answer, just shows her the letter) HALEY : Come on, get in (Jamie goes in the car) THE HOSPITAL Brooke and Lucas are still in the waiting room BROOKE (emotional) : I never told her I love her. I just... I never said it. LUCAS : Look, I'm sure when Angie's in your arms, she knows it. Most of time, love doesn't really need words, you know? BROOKE : Yeah. LUCAS : So, um, what's going on with you and Owen? BROOKE : Nothing, apparently. What's going on with you and Lindsey? LUCAS : Nothing, apparently. I don't know. We... haven't spoken for over a week. She hasn't returned my calls. BROOKE : That sucks, Luke. I'm sorry. You should get out of here. You've got that game tonight. LUCAS : I'm okay for a little while longer. BROOKE : Okay. LUCAS : I'll go get us some coffees. (Lucas starts to leave) BROOKE : She'll be in touch. Lindsey. I wouldn't read too much into it. LUCAS : Yeah. I'm okay for a little while longer. OUTSIDE, IN A PLAYGROUND Haley is with Jamie, lying down HALEY : I'm sorry that I didn't mail your card to your grandfather. I was just trying to protect you, buddy. God. You might be mad at me for that, or you might not understand it but... Dan is a bad person. I'm sorry, buddy. JAMIE : I just wanted him to know that he still had a friend, everyone should have a friend. (They look at the sky) JAMIE : That big cloud looks like a sheep dog. HALEY : I kinda think it looks like cotton candy. JAMIE : You shouldn't lie to me mama. HALEY : I know, buddy. I'm sorry. You're right. I promise I will try to explain things better from now on? Okay. JAMIE : Ok HALEY : Oh I love you, son. JAMIE : I know. I love you, too. THE HOSPITAL Lucas hasn't come back yet. Brooke is crying. Dr Copeland comes to see her, in scrubs. It's the same scene at the beginning of the episode COPELAND : Brooke... (After a blank) COPELAND : ...the operation went very smoothly. Angie BROOKE : Is she gonna be okay? COPELAND : She's in recovery now. We are assisting her breathing, but she's stable, and all indications are she's gonna be just fine. BROOKE : Thank you. (Brooke is still crying, Lucas comes back) LUCAS (scared) : Brooke? BROOKE : She's gonna be okay. (Lucas comes to take Brooke in his arms. Dr Copeland starts to leave) BROOKE : Dr. Copeland... Thank you for fixing her. COPELAND : You're welcome. You too. PEYTON'S OFFICE Mia is recording a commercial MIA (to the camera) : This year was a year of firsts for me... First tour bus, first single on the radio, and the first time that I got to vote, and that pretty much rocked. People tell that my voice is a gift. Well, so is yours so use it, let it be heard, and rock the vote. CAMERAMAN : You were perfect. And, by the way, great album. MIA : Thanks PEYTON : Thanks, guys (The cameraman and his assistant leave) PEYTON : So, speaking of tour buses, stay with me now... The starburst thursday night concert series. MIA : The starburst thursday night concert series, which is what? (Peyton gives her a starburst) PEYTON : Which is a summer tour at six flags. It's cool. They've got a lot of really good bands and I figured... MIA : I love starburst, and I love roller coasters. PEYTON : Exactly. It is very you. MIA : Sounds awesome. What color you want? PEYTON : Orange. (Mia gives her an orange candy) MIA : I'm going red (Peyton's cellphone rings) PEYTON (on the phone) : Hey Millicent... What? Yeah, no, I'll be right there. CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton arrives at the store. Then we see her on the roof, where Haley is, near the edge, with a water balloon in her hand PEYTON : Haley, don't do it! You've got too much to live for! Dude, Millicent calls says you're depressed-looking, you're headed to the roof. I get all freaked out. What's going on, foxy? HALEY : I found my 5-Year-Old son walking alone on the street today. You know why? 'Cause I lied to him. (After a blank) HALEY : I'm worried I'm wasting your time with this record, Peyton. PEYTON : No, Haley, the record's gonna be great. HALEY : Well, I hope so, but what about after that? Mia said that her life is so nomadic that she can't even imagine having a family, a let alone a serious relationship. I have a husband and a son who need me, and a classroom full of students. PEYTON : Okay, Haley, it's not wrong for you to want what you want, and you're not Mia. HALEY : But I used to be. Do you remember how hard that was on my relationship? PEYTON : All right, so this time it won't be. This time you'll do it differently. And this time I'll help you. (After a blank) PEYTON : I like your water balloon. (They both chuckle) HALEY : Yeah, Lucas and I used to come up here and throw some off the roof on a bad day. PEYTON : What? On who? HALEY : Little kids, mean people, you know. You'd be surprised at how good it makes you feel. PEYTON : Well, speaking of mean people... (They both look down to the street and see Dan grabbing a news paper) HALEY : We were just kids then, right PEYTON : Yes, you're too mature to be doing that stuff now... But I'm not. (Peyton grabs the water balloon and throws it. We see the same seen as the beginning of the episode) (Peyton and Haley hide) HALEY : Dude, the guy's gonna have a heart transplant. He's gonna drop dead. PEYTON : You didn't tell me that! But you were right it really really was fun. (They both laugh) HALEY : Oh my god. MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth enters the recording studio and comes toward his boss. MOUTH : You wanted to see me, sir? HIS BOSS : I hear the ravens might be playing Quentin Fields tonight, broken wrist and all. MOUTH : I think so. Should be a big game. HIS BOSS : So grab a camera and go get me a story. MOUTH : Really? I mean, thank you, sir. (Mouth starts leaving) HIS BOSS : Uh, Marvin... We've decided give you a shot here. Don't let us down. MOUTH : I won't. You can count on me. TREE HILL GYM The Ravens game starts OPPONENT COACH : Hey, Scott. You really gonna play a kid with one hand against the best backcourt in the conference? (He doesn't answer) LUCAS (yelling) : All right, Q let's go. Push it OPPONENT COACH : Let's go, let's go! LUCAS (yelling) : Full-Court press! (We see Mouth recording) LUCAS (yelling) : Pick them up on defense! OPPONENT COACH : Come on, now. They can't defend us full-Court. Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go! (Haley arrives at the game, sees Dan on the other side, who noticed and backed off) LUCAS (yelling) : Yes! "D" up! Full-Court! Go, go, go OPPONENT COACH : You can't keep this up for long. (The other team score, Lucas sits) OPPONENT COACH : There .right there right there. I told you. I told you. LUCAS : Subs. (All the other Ravens player are getting ready) OPPONENT COACH : What is this, hockey? LUCAS : No, it's your worst nightmare. MOUTH (to himself, taking notes) : Check the records for 3-Point field goals attempted and made in a half. (The Ravens play well and score a lot) NATHAN : 10 seconds. 10 seconds. OPPONENT COACH : Defense! Defense! Come on, defense! (The Ravens score on the buzz. It's half game. They all start leaving the field) NATHAN : "Q," how you doing? QUENTIN : Man, who came up with this crazy plan anyway? (Jamie is acting like "I don't know") QUENTIN (to Jamie) : 'Cause I like it. In the locker room, Jamie is distributing towels JAMIE : Good game, gentlemen. SKILLS : Let's go, fellas. 'cause we're half way there baby. JAMIE : Yeah, team, keep it up. NATHAN : Yeah, what he said. "Q," great half. Strong play. SKILLS : Let's go, baby. We can win this. NATHAN : You guys one more half. COACH OFFICE During half game, Lucas is alone at his desk. The phone rings LUCAS (on the phone) : Lindsey. Hi No, I mean, I'm at halftime of a game, but... I'm just so glad you called. I was beginning to worry... Yeah, we're... We're up by 7. Oh, I miss you so much. (Lucas is changing his face, looking worried or angry) LUCAS (on the phone): Oh. TREE HILL GYM The second half has started LUCAS (yelling, angry) : Come on, defense, move your feet!.. Damn it "Q", cut off the baseline (Skills seems surprised by Lucas coaching) LUCAS (yelling, angry) : "Q", you got to get there! (Quentin seems really exhausted) QUENTIN : Coach, I can barely breathe right now. LUCAS : Yeah, well, pick it up, or I'll find someone that wants to play! SKILLS : Luke... LUCAS : Unbelievable. Time-Out! (All the players come around Lucas) LUCAS (angry) : All right, look. I know you're tired, okay? But nothing in this life comes easy, you hear me? Nothing. So suck it up. Now, we got 3 minutes left, and we're up by 9 points. Finish it! You hear me? We are not gonna lose this game. QUENTIN : "Ravens" on three. LUCAS : No. "Bear creek sucks." 1, 2, 3... ALL TEAM : Bear creek sucks! (On the other side, the other team) OPPONENT COACH : You hear that? They're taunting you. And they're right. Their point guard only has one hand. PLAYER : Yeah, but it's a good hand, coach. OPPONENT COACH : All right, then, here's what we're gonna do. Whenever he gets the ball, you foul him. He'll either miss his free throws... or we'll break his other hand. All right, let's go "four-nine" on three. 1, 2, 3... ALL TEAM : Four-Nine! (The game starts again and one of the Bear push Quentin) LUCAS : Ref, that's flagrant REFEREE : No, sir. It's one and one. SKILLS : Hey, they're playing hack-A-Shaq. They gonna send "Q" to the line and make him shoot left-handed free throws. LUCAS (to the opponent coach) : Real nice. LUCAS : Come on, "Q." (Quentin makes his first free throw) NATHAN : Nice shooting, "Q." SKILLS : Let's go, baby. One more. (Quentin makes the second one) OPPONENT COACH : Ronnie, come here. Take out that wrist, Ronnie. RONNIE : I got it. (Ronnie hits Quentin in his wrist) REFEREE : Out of bounds. Warrior ball. LUCAS : What?! You're kidding me. On the street, that's assault. You're not even gonna call that a foul in here? (It's the same scene as the beginning of the episode) REFEREE : Technical foul. LUCAS : Oh, you're gonna "t" me. You blow the call, and you're gonna "t" me up?! REFEREE : You're gonna get tossed, son. RONNIE : You need to throw his dumb ass out. (Lucas grabs Ronnie and starts a fight) LUCAS : How do you like it, punk? NATHAN : Jamie, you stay here with Mouth. REFEREE : You're ejected, coach (Nathan grabs Lucas and they leave the field) Lucas and Nathan enters the locker room. Lucas is really angry NATHAN : Luke, what the hell happened? LUCAS : That kid intentionally tried to hurt "Q," and you saw it. NATHAN : I know, but, Luke, you grabbed him, man. LUCAS : I should have knocked him out! God! (Lucas sits, trying to calm down) NATHAN : This is really bad, Luke. (After a blank) LUCAS : She's seeing someone else. Lindsey. She called at halftime... I can't believe it. She's supposed to come back to me. NATHAN : Luke, I know you don't want hear this, but... What if she doesn't? What if she's not going to? You can't wait around forever. Maybe it's... Maybe it's time to move on. (Lucas stands up) LUCAS : She's supposed to come back. (He leaves the room. Mouth enters, holding his camera off and looks at Nathan) THE HOSPITAL Brooke is at Angie's side. Lucas walks in BROOKE : Hi. Did you win? LUCAS : I don't know. BROOKE : What? LUCAS : How's Angie? BROOKE : She's stronger than I am. She's breathing on her own. They said she's doing great. LUCAS : That's good. That's really good, Brooke. BROOKE : Listen, I appreciate that you came by, but... They said I'm the only one who's allowed to be in here after hours. LUCAS : That's okay. I, um... Lindsey called. BROOKE : See? That's great, Luke. You thought she was avoiding you. LUCAS : Yeah. Well... I'll see you. (Lucas starts leaving) BROOKE : Hey, what do you mean you don't know if you won or not tonight? LUCAS : I meant I don't know if the team won. But I lost. I know that for sure. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is with Mia MIA : So, am I allowed to ask what's going on with you and Lucas or is that kind of saying "voldemort" PEYTON : There's really not much to say, you know? It's not the easiest thing in the world for him to talk about. MIA : Well, you know what works? Get him drunk. PEYTON : Oh, says the 18-Year-Old. MIA : I'm just saying. You know how it is... Guys always tell the truth when they're wasted. PEYTON : Says the 18-Year-Old. INSIDE CLUB TRIC Lucas is at the bar, getting drunk. His phone rings. He looks at it but doesn't answer. INSIDE TREE HILL HIGH Haley is with Jamie in the hallway JAMIE : How come uncle Lucas was so mad, mama? The ravens won the game. HALEY : I don't know, jim-Bob. Uncle Lucas won't call me back. JAMIE : Hey, look, there's grandpa. (Dan arrives in the hallway. After a blank) HALEY : I have an idea. (Haley takes Jamie's card in her bag) HALEY : Why don't you go give your card to your grandpa? (Jamie takes it and runs toward Dan) JAMIE : Grandpa Dan... (Jamie gives him the card and hugs him) DAN : You're my best friend. Thank you. (Jamie goes back to Haley) HALEY : Go see your pop, okay? (Jamie leaves) DAN : Thank you, Haley. HALEY : That wasn't for you. That was for him. MOUTH'S OFFICE In the recording studio, Mouth's boss is talking with an employee EMPLOYEE : It's a big story, bill. We could lead with this. (Mouth arrives) HIS BOSS : Yeah. Marvin. Tell me you got some great footage of Lucas Scott grabbing that kid. MOUTH : I, uh... I didn't get it. I'm sorry. HIS BOSS : I'm sorry, too. EMPLOYEE : I told you he wasn't ready. RED BEDROOM STUDIO Mia is playing PEYTON : Hey. Are you sure you don't want me to stay? MIA : I want to surprise you. Besides, this way, in the morning, It'll be like the cover-Song elves were here. PEYTON : Okay, but just call if you need anything, okay? MIA : Yeah. PEYTON : Mia? You had day today with, you know, the starburst tour and rock the vote. And I really want you to know that I'm so proud of you. (Peyton starts leaving) MIA : Peyton... Thank you. PEYTON : For what? MIA : For my life. I love it. PEYTON : Mia, your songs were always great. You were always great. I just pointed people towards the greatness. Sing good, rock star. (Peyton leaves) INSIDE CLUB TRIC Lucas is sleeping on the counter. We see Peyton coming out of her office. She comes to see Lucas PEYTON : Luke! Hey. (He barely wakes up) PEYTON : Luke. Come on. (She grabs him and takes him home) PEYTON : Come on. Come on. RED BEDROOM STUDIO Haley arrives at the studio. She sits at the piano. Mia arrives too MIA : Hey, what are you doing here so late? HALEY : Hey. I'm not exactly sure, actually. I'm really happy for you, Mia... All your success. It's just... I think maybe I'm also a little jealous. MIA : Really? HALEY : Yeah. MIA : That's so weird. I'm jealous of you. Yeah. It's like I look at you and think, "If, four years from now, I have this great guy and a beautiful son and I'm about to make what's gonna be an amazing record, I'm gonna consider myself really damn lucky." HALEY : Thank you. Now I know why I came here. INSIDE CLUB TRIC Deb arrives at the club DEB (to herself) : Okay, look for the rose. (We see someone who's holding a red rose. Deb comes to see him. DEB : Nobookert? (The guy turns around. It(s Skills) SKILLS : Debutanteball? DEB : Antwon. Oh, no. SKILLS : Oh, yeah. DEB : You said you were older. SKILLS : Hey, you said you was younger. DEB : Well, I...I showed you... things. SKILLS : Yes, you did. Mm-Mm-Mmm. DEB : Okay, this is really awkward. I mean, obviously, nothing can happen here, I mean, because it can't. SKILLS : You right. Nothing can happen. DEB : Nothing. SKILLS : Absolutely nothing. THE APARTMENT In Skills' bedroom. Skills and Deb are making out DEB : Oh, what's one night between two consenting adults, right? (Skills unbuttons her shirt) DEB : Oh. SKILLS : Maybe one night and the next morning. DEB : Oh, my! Oh! TREE HILL GYM After the game, Nathan, Quentin and Jamie are about to leave QUENTIN : It's gonna be bad for coach, isn't it? NATHAN : Yeah. It's already bad. MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth is watching the tape he made, with Lucas' fight. He takes the tape and destroys it NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley is coming home JAMIE : Hi, mama. Everything okay? HALEY : Hey, buddy. (She takes Jamie in her arms) HALEY : Everything is perfect baby. You look so handsome. NATHAN : Hey, you. HALEY : Hi, baby. NATHAN : Ah. THE HOSPITAL Brooke is still at Angie's side. Dr Copeland comes to check on her COPELAND : Hey. BROOKE : Hi. COPELAND : You should get some sleep. BROOKE : Nah, I want to be here when she opens her eyes. COPELAND : It's a pretty great feeling, isn't it? It's why I became a surgeon. BROOKE : Why is that? COPELAND : To give people their lives back. She'll recover and you'll send her back to her parents, but... The day she gets accepted to college, she'll have you to thank. The day she gets married, becomes something great, has children of her own, she'll think, "Brooke Davis got me here. She gave me this." BROOKE : And Dr. Copeland, too. COPELAND : It's Ethan, by the way... My first name. BROOKE : Thank you, Ethan. COPELAND : You're welcome, Brooke. (Dr Copeland leaves) In another room, Dan is at reverend Carter bedside DAN : That's right. You are in bad shape. (A nurse enters) NURSE : Excuse it's after hours. Are you a relative of reverend carter? DAN : Not a relative, no. But he's number one on my list. LUCAS' HOUSE Lucas is in bed, sleeping, undressed. Peyton put a blanket over him and sits beside him PEYTON : Oh, Luke. I'm so sorry. I didn't want this for you. (She kisses him on the forehead and starts leaving) LUCAS : Peyton... I hate you. PEYTON : What? LUCAS : I wish you never came back. You ruined my life. (Peyton starts crying and leaves)
Plan: A: Lucas; Q: Who makes a heartbreaking confession to Peyton? A: Lindsey; Q: Who gives Lucas some devastating news? A: Brooke's foster baby undergoes heart surgery; Q: What happens to Brooke's foster baby? A: a decision; Q: What does Haley make about recording a new album? A: a turn-around; Q: What do Skills and Nathan attempt to do to the Ravens' season? A: a drunken, heart-wrenching confession; Q: What does Lucas make to Peyton? A: Peyton.[35; Q: Who does Lucas confess to? A: Ben Godwin; Q: Who wrote the song that inspired the episode? Summary: Lucas receives some devastating news from Lindsey. Brooke's foster baby undergoes heart surgery. Haley makes a decision about recording a new album. Skills and Nathan attempt a turn-around of the Ravens' season. Lucas makes a drunken, heart-wrenching confession to Peyton.[35] This episode is named after a song by Ben Godwin.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING (MUSIC OVER ACTION/WILLIE SNUGGLES WITH THE WOMAN) WILLIE: Baby, you're freezing. (SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR B.G.) WILLIE: Hey! Hey! Whoa! Whoa! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/WILLIE RUNS TO THE DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY TONY: I didn't think that you would notice.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) KATE: Oh, stealing food is okay if nobody notices. TONY: It's not stealing, it's sharing! KATE: It was my lunch! I didn't want to share my lunch with you. TONY: You see? You just said it was sharing! DUCKY: Excuse me. Show a little respect. This is a place of peace and dignity. TONY: That was before Kate got here. KATE: We need a mediator, Ducky, or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations. TONY: Which would be tattling. KATE: No, going to Employee Relations is not tattling. TONY: It's the adult version of "I'm telling mommy." KATE: You're so juvenile. TONY: Am not. KATE: Are so. TONY: Am not. KATE: Ducky, we need an unofficial mediator. DUCKY: Did you try Gibbs? KATE: Ooh. DUCKY: Oh yes, I see your point. KATE: We thought of McGee. TONY: But we have no respect for him. KATE: And then we thought of you. DUCKY: I see... third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby. TONY: Well, we just came from there. KATE: She turned us down. DUCKY: Oh. TONY: Come on, Ducky! She's driving me crazy! DUCKY: I am busy, but uh... JIMMY: Abby needs these blood samples stat. DUCKY: Yes, as I say I am busy. But I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like... marriage counseling. TONY: Oh, well let's not use those words. KATE: Ducky, it is only a working relationship. TONY: So you'll do it? DUCKY: Of course. I would relish the experience. Yes I studied psychology at the University of Edinburgh under Professor O'Donnell. KATE: Okay, so let's start. I left my desk for just a minute, and when I came back, Tony was eating half of my tuna fish sandwich. TONY: Okay, see? See? I'm hungry! We're buddies! It shouldn't be a big deal. It's not a big deal. But little miss tight and twisty pants blows everything out of proportion and it becomes a major deal. KATE: All you left me was the crust! TONY: Well, who is right here? KATE: Come on, Ducky, please! Tell him! DUCKY: We need to look a little deeper. I mean, there is clearly a latent sibling rivalry being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure. And I think we all know who that is. KATE: What does this have to do with my tuna fish sandwich? TONY: There's no father-figure, Ducky. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Hey! Why don't you answer your phone? Norfolk Homicide found a body, a female Petty Officer. Come on, let's go! TONY: I'll gas the truck. KATE: I've got the gear. TONY: I prepacked the gear already. DUCKY: Yes, there are clearly issues here. Yes, we need to meet twice a week at least! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY MAUCERI: (V.O.) Petty Officer Second Class Amanda King, according to her I.D. (ON CAMERA) Twenty six years of age in the Navy four years. That's as far as I got when we called you. We've got enough things to do around here. Give me a break. I'm trying to quit. (SFX: SUCKING SOUND) GIBBS: Is this the suspect? MAUCERI: Willie Taylor. Tends bar at Sugar Street. We're processing him now. GIBBS: Okay, Duck. DUCKY: Ooh... GIBBS: Stabbed to death? DUCKY: Oh, I think that's a safe assumption. Well, I found something around her nares. Show him, Jimmy. GIBBS: Do I have nares, Jimmy? JIMMY: All mammals have nares, Sir. Openings in your nose. GIBBS: Give that to Abby. Have her I.D. it. JIMMY: Yes, Sir. I didn't mean to imply that you didn't know what nares were... GIBBS: (OVERLAP) I knew that. DUCKY: Yeah, well, the windows are open, the body is naked. Which would allow the heat to dissipate faster. If I were forced to proclaim a-- GIBBS: I'm forcing. DUCKY: Ah... oh three thirty. Oh five hundred. MAUCERI: We had an anonymous nine one one call of a woman screaming in this apartment at five thirty. DUCKY: Or zero five thirty. GIBBS: McGee, see if you can trace the source of the nine one one call. MCGEE: On it. JIMMY: Her lividity has changed. She may have been moved. MAUCERI: The suspect said he flipped her. TONY: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this, but you probably should. Some night. There's got to be three condoms in there. GIBBS: Bag 'em. Get them to Abby. KATE: Spoke to Manda King's C.O. TONY: Bag 'em, Probie. KATE: Said she was a good sailor, straight-laced, a real hard worker. And she was being promoted to the Captain's Yeoman. GIBBS: Personal yeoman to a Navy captain doesn't track with snorting drugs. KATE: No, she told her shipmates that she had business in Norfolk. GIBBS: Didn't say what? KATE: No. GIBBS: Your place or mine? MAUCERI: Mine. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY WILLIE: Look, on my mother's life, that's not ... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY WILLIE: ...the girl that I took home last night. GIBBS: You went to bed with one woman and you woke up with another? WILLIE: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY TONY: I hate it when that happens. Never is pretty. Sorry. Oh, come on. You're not going to tell Ducky about that, are you? KATE: Yes, I am. I'm keeping a journal. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: I suppose that knife wasn't your knife? WILLIE: No, it wasn't. I actually carry a Swiss Army knife. GIBBS: How many drinks did you have? WILLIE: Oh like two or three. MAUCERI: Your blood alcohol level was point one two percent, Willie. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY WILLIE: All right, look. You got me. I had a few more. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY WILLIE: You know how it is when you're tending bar. MAUCERI: No, tell me. WILLIE: You act friendly, and people buy you drinks. GIBBS: Which are watered down to make more money? WILLIE: No, we don't do that at Sugar Street, all right? MAUCERI: You pick her up at the club? WILLIE: No. No, I met her in the parking lot. She said she lost her keys. GIBBS: You ever see her before? WILLIE: Nope. I just thought... "Damn. You... you're a lucky b*st*rd." You know what I mean? GIBBS: Did you get her name, lucky b*st*rd? WILLIE: Manda... I think. MAUCERI: Ah, funny. GIBBS: The dead sailor we found in your bed was named Manda. WILLIE: She's not the girl that I slept with. GIBBS: What was Manda's last name? WILLIE: She didn't say. GIBBS: Phone number? WILLIE: I didn't get it. Look, it all went down kind of fast, all right? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY WILLIE: I gave her a kiss, whoopdy whoop, then it's back to my place to make some noise. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Anybody see you two who can verify your story? WILLIE: No. MAUCERI: You and Manda get in a fight? WILLIE: No. Look, we had a good time, all right? MAUCERI: Oh yeah. I'd say you had a real good time. We found traces of meth in your blood. GIBBS: Did you give her meth, too? WILLIE: No. We didn't do any drugs together. (SHOUTS) I am telling the truth. That is not the girl I slept with. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Abs, I need the condoms tested. ABBY: Not the words you want to hear first thing in the morning. It's already running. GIBBS: Not just the inside. I want to make sure the outside DNA is tested and matches that of Petty Officer Manda King. TONY: The suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another. ABBY: That happens to girls, too. At night some guy seems all dark and gnarly. And you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank. MCGEE: I used to work at a bank. ABBY: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me. MCGEE: Boss, the anonymous phone call came from a payphone outside Willie's apartment. GIBBS: No fingerprints? ABBY: No. And that's weird. He sleeps with her, he stabs her, and there's no prints on the knife. GIBBS: Blood matches the victim? ABBY: Yeah. The tox screen is still running, but it's a safe bet that it's methamphetamines. GIBBS: Powder in her nose was meth? ABBY: Yup. KATE: Why would a straight-laced Petty Officer OD on meth? TONY: Maybe she's not so straight-laced? We all have our funky side. Except Kate. Ooh! And you, Boss. I'm sure you have no funky side. GIBBS: Time to find out who the real Manda King was. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY BEN KING: I never thought Manda would go before me. SAMANTHA: Dad's got end-stage bone cancer. GIBBS: Did your sister know a Willie Taylor? SAMANTHA: Not that I know. But then she's been at sea for eight months. GIBBS: He's not a sailor. BEN KING: Is that who stabbed my little girl? GIBBS: No, he's a suspect, Sir. BEN KING: You'll burn him, won't you, Agent Gibbs?! GIBBS: If he did it, you have my word. KATE: Mister King, can you tell us a bit about your daughter, Sir? BEN KING: Manda was tough as nails. Worked hard. Cared for me. Helped me to raise her. She would do anything for you. SAMANTHA: Did you know Manda was promoted to Captain's Yeoman? GIBBS: Yeah, she was a fine sailor. Which makes what I'm about to tell you difficult to hear. BEN KING: My daughter's dead. What's worse than that?! GIBBS: We found drug residue in her nose. SAMANTHA: That's a lie! Manda never did drugs in her life! KATE: I'm sorry, but that is what we found. BEN KING: I don't believe. Won't believe it! SAMANTHA: You have to come in here and tell this to my father!? GIBBS: Your sister was murdered. We have to know who she really was. BEN KING: (BREATHLESSLY) She...was my good girl. That's who...who she was. Daddy's girl... good girl. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Hey, DNA tests done already? ABBY: No, it's running, but I got an answer without it. The fluid on the outside of the condoms has a different blood antigen than Petty Officer Amanda King's. There's no way Petty Officer King had s*x with Willie Taylor. GIBBS: Willie was set up. (CUT TO BLACK) MUSIC IN: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: The knife missed her vital organs, so the wound in and of itself was not fatal. GIBBS: She didn't bleed to death. DUCKY: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood so there was no exsanguination. GIBBS: Ducky. DUCKY: I'm sorry. It's such a lovely word, exsanguination. I can't help saying it. Moving on, since there was no bleeding from the wound. GIBBS: She was dead when she was stabbed. DUCKY: Precisely. Abby confirmed the...the drug in her nose and blood was methamphetamine, an incredibly large lethal dose of methamphetamine. GIBBS: Someone tried to make an accidental overdose look like murder. DUCKY: Oh I wouldn't call it an accidental overdose. No in cases like this where such a frighteningly high amount of the drug is found, I would say it was a suicide. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: Boss, Willie Taylor's here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Do you know why Norfolk P.D. delivered you here? WILLIE: Yeah. I'm a ping-pong ball. They serve me to you and you smack me right back. GIBBS: No...no, you are telling the truth. Petty Officer King OD'd. After she was dead someone stabbed her....put her in your bed, made it look like murder. Who would do that to you? WILLIE: Wait a second. So you know that I'm completely innocent? Man, don't I get like an apology or nothin'? GIBBS: You get to slide on using methamphetamines. WILLIE: I don't know. GIBBS: That's not good enough. (DOOR OPENS) WILLIE: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait! (LONG BEAT) Look, female sailors are like poison. If anything happens to them, drugs, s*x, anything - it doesn't matter - you guys put our club off limits. All right? No sailors, you ain't got no Sugar Street. GIBBS: Who'd benefit from that? WILLIE: Uh... yeah, well Ian Hitch. He owns Teaz and we're his only real competition. If that sailor OD'd in his club, he would need to get the stink off fast. GIBBS: And shut Sugar Street down in the process. WILLIE: That's the kind of stunt that limey b*st*rd would pull, too. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) Ian Hitch. AKA Bulldog. American mother, English father. Dual citizenship. (ON CAMERA) According to Scotland Yard, he was charged with murder twice in Manchester, skated both times. KATE: I'm afraid to ask, why Bulldog? MCGEE: I don't know. TONY: Bulldog bites you on the ass and never lets go. MCGEE: Oh, he owns Teaz in Norfolk. Yeah, when I was stationed there, I heard about it. Apparently there are some very hot dancers there. TONY: You heard? MCGEE: Yeah, well I never went there. Honest. TONY: Duck, hey it seems to me that ... why are you looking at me like that for? KATE: Oh, I'm just waiting for you to say, "Boss, let me take the lead on this one." TONY: What I was going to say, Kate, was that if Hitch used a girl to seduce Willie Taylor, it was probably one of his dancers. We get Willie to identify Ms. Go-Go and flip her to get to Hitch. KATE: What are you doing? TONY: I'm just chronicling this little conversation for our next session with Ducky. GIBBS: Are you done? TONY: Almost. GIBBS: Done or fired are the choices. TONY: Done. KATE: Shall we take Willie to the club to identify the girl? GIBBS: No. I don't want him anywhere near Hitch. MCGEE: Boss, I will find out who dances at the club and pull their DMV photos. GIBBS: Not going to work, McGee. TONY: The girls at the clubs work for tips, Probie. No W-two forms. And names like Tiffany Glitter and Stormy Weathers, they don't appear on drivers' licenses. Boss, I really think I should take...... the lead on this one. (GIBBS AND KATE CHUCKLE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND TONY LOOK AROUND THE ROOM) (BEGIN INTERCUTS/ MTAC ROOM/NIGHTCLUB) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: All right, it's looking good. (SCENE CUT) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND KATE MOVE AROUND) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: Let's see, Tony! Well, what do you know? DiNozzo is finally looking where he is supposed to be looking. (SCENE CUT) TONY: I heard that. How's that? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Well, it's art, but we kind of need a shot of her face. I can make a fortune on the internet with this. Okay, got it. GIBBS: Next. TONY: (V.O.) Right, boss. (SCENE CUT) TONY: Just being thorough. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O.) That's it. (SCENE CUT) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND TONY WALK THROUGH THE CLUB) (CAMERA CLICKS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: I'm watching you, DiNozzo. (SCENE CUT) (MUSIC OVER DANCING SCENES) KATE: How's that look? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Uh... closer. (SCENE CUT) KATE: Is this better? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: One second... KATE: (V.O.) Did you get it yet? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Wow, Kate. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) How'd you get her to do that? (DANCING CONTINUING) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: DiNozzo, go back to the last booth! Yeah, right there. (SCENE CUT) TONY: Is that Hitch? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: That's him. D.J.: (V.O.) What's up... (SCENE CUT) D.J.: ... Party people! Tonight's going to be hot, but this crowd is even hotter because only the best get into Teaz. I'm D.J. Night Trap and I'm going to get off the mic right now because I know you came here to see.... Jade! (SFX: APPLAUSE) KATE: That's Samantha King. SAMANTHA: (SINGS) Sophisticated lady...but nasty when I wanna be. I see you starin' from across the room. And you can't keep your eyes off me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM GIBBS: Hey Tony, stop jumping up and down. We can't see! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT SAMANTHA: (SINGS) ...Like a puppet on a string. Have you in cuffs like cops and robbers, baby, 'cuz touchin' me's a felony - put your hands up 'Cuz I'm cold blooded...boy who does it belong to? Cold Blooded...got you thinkin', "Who's that lady?" But it ain't that complicated...'Thanks, that was fun. Now get out.(SAMANTHA DANCES AS THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE ROOM) (SFX: APPLAUSE) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT KATE: You're taking your sister's death pretty hard, Jade. SAMANTHA: What are you doing here? KATE: The question is, what are you doing here? TONY: What are you afraid of? SAMANTHA: Who are you? TONY: Same as Kate, well, not exactly. KATE: Answer my question. SAMANTHA: It's Saturday night. I sing here okay? KATE: Oh, you sing the day after your sister's murder? SAMANTHA: I gotta go. TONY: Not unless we get some answers. BOUNCER: (INTO RADIO) Willie, we'd better get out here. KATE: You know how we found you? We were here looking for your sister's murderer. SAMANTHA: You said you had her murderer. TONY: He didn't do it. BLUE MCGINTY: What's going on, Jade? TONY: We're just talking. BLUE MCGINTY: Well not no more you aren't. TONY: Yeah, I think we are. My partner, Lulu, she wants to sign Jade to a record contract. BLUE MCGINTY: Bulldog ain't gonna like that. TONY: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mommy. Where did Bulldog get his name? BLUE MCGINTY: When he gets his teeth into a girl's ass, he never lets go. TONY: I knew it. I knew it. Lulu, I was right about Bulldog. SAMANTHA: You're gonna get me killed! KATE: Just like your sister was? Look, we think Hitch had her killed. Why? SAMANTHA: No, he wouldn't do that. I mean, he knew she wanted me to leave this life, but he wouldn't kill her. KATE: Wouldn't he? (TO TONY) Let's go, Bruce! She's not interested. TONY: No harm, no foul. Guess not. (TONY AND KATE CLIMB INTO THE CAR) TONY: Gosh, those guys were big. Big, big, big, big. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY WILLIE: She's cute. Yeah, she's hot. I don't know about you but I sleep with a lot of women, so... TONY: I wouldn't know anything about that, Willie. I'm a Mormon. WILLIE: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I think it could be this one right here. You know, I was really drunk, so... GIBBS: Sit down. You're going to have to do better. WILLIE: Look man, I'm doing the best I can, all right? All right. All right... yeah, I think it's her. TONY: Summer Diamond. Very hot. GIBBS: You think this is her?! TONY: Look, there's always something about every woman that you remember. Something small and subtle. Something you're going to remember twenty years later; a piece of jewelry, a laugh, something. A smell... KATE: Uh! I feel like I died and woke up in a Calvin Klein ad. WILLIE: I thought you were a Mormon? TONY: Concentrate, Willie. WILLIE: Ah... ah, yeah. She had a tat. How could I forget? TONY: What did it look like? WILLIE: It was of a bulldog. It was ... it was right there on her ass. TONY: Sweet slick Willie, look at that. The devil is in the details. I remember this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little (SQUEAKS)... KATE: Tony, do you want to tell Ducky that story? GIBBS: Ducky's already heard it. We all have. TONY: It's a good story! GIBBS: Then you tell it to Kate while you're bringing in Summer Diamond. WILLIE: Wait, don't I get to hear it? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Do you recognize this man? SUMMER: Nope. GIBBS: He works at Sugar Street. Ever been there? SUMMER: I work six nights a week at Teaz. Last place I'm going to go on my night off is another club. GIBBS: You recognize this? Agent Todd took that photo. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: It is of your rear end. TONY: You always get the best jobs. GIBBS: (V.O.) Willie described it perfectly. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY SUMMER: I dance practically naked. Hundreds of guys have seen my ass. GIBBS: So you didn't sleep with him two nights ago? SUMMER: No. GIBBS: Willie says he's never been to your club. You know what? I believe him. SUMMER: Every dancer in the club has that tat. It means we're in Bulldog's crew. GIBBS: I'd have thought he'd use a bite mark. (KNOCK ON DOOR) GIBBS: Enter! We have a court order for a DNA sample, Ms. Diamond. (DOOR OPENS) ABBY: Open your mouth. It doesn't hurt. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY GIBBS: Compare it to the DNA found on the condoms in Willie Taylor's apartment. DUCKY: Jethro! Jethro! I need you. I need you like now! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I'm sorry, Jethro. Because of the chemical burns from the methamphetamines and the bleeding, I ...I missed this. There. There! Do you see it? GIBBS: Almost a perfect circle. DUCKY: I know I said that the cause of a massive overdose was usually suicide, but then I got to thinking. GIBBS: Always a good thing. DUCKY: I mean, that mark was made by the end of a hard round cube... like the end of a funnel. GIBBS: You don't commit suicide by pouring meth through a funnel into your nose. DUCKY: No. It was a horrible, painful death. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DINER - DAY SAMANTHA: Do you know what'll happen if he finds out I'm talking to you? KATE: Don't you want to know how your sister died, Samantha? SAMANTHA: She was stabbed? KATE: Yes, she was. That wasn't what killed her. Your sister was restrained and methamphetamine was forced down her nose and her throat until her heart failed. SAMANTHA: Oh, god. KATE: Willie Taylor believes that he's been framed for her murder by your boss, Ian Hitch. SAMANTHA: Bulldog wouldn't. He... KATE: Why not? Sugar Street gets declared off limits and Club Teaz gets a huge surge of new clientele. But that isn't why it happened, is it, Samantha? SAMANTHA: My mom died when I was three, Agent Todd. Manda practically raised me. When she found out I was working for Hitch, she lost it. KATE: How'd you get hooked up with a guy like that? SAMANTHA: He said he had connections with record companies, that he'd make me a star. I believed him. KATE: But your sister didn't. SAMANTHA: She was always the smart one in the family. KATE: Well why don't you just walk away? SAMANTHA: I signed a contract with him. Manda was trying to get me out of it. KATE: And he had her killed. Look, we've got to get you someplace safe. SAMANTHA: You don't get it, do you? Hitch owns me! I sing when he wants, dance when he wants. I sleep with him when he wants. No one walks away from him. Ever. KATE: He murdered your sister, Samantha! SAMANTHA: And you'll never prove it. They never do. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) SAMANTHA: It's him! KATE: Don't answer it. SAMANTHA: I have to. HITCH: (V.O./FILTERED) What are you doing, love? SAMANTHA: (INTO PHONE) Some shopping, baby. HITCH: (V.O./FILTERED) Really? It looks like having a spot of tea to me. SAMANTHA: If he finds out you're a cop, I am dead. (DOOR OPENS) HITCH: Lulu, I presume. Didn't get my message last night? Jade here already has a manager. SAMANTHA: That's what I told her, Ian. HITCH: Did I ask you to speak, love?! So tell me, what label do you scout for? KATE: Well that's none of your business. HITCH: Oh, it is if you're after my property. KATE: Is she available? HITCH: Only to me. Say "Goodbye Lulu", love. SAMANTHA: Goodbye, Lulu. HITCH: You and your friend Bruce might want to leave town tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: You should have had backup yesterday, Kate. KATE: Well, I didn't expect Hitch to show up, Gibbs. It won't happen again. GIBBS: I know. McGee, how'd he track her? MCGEE: Well, Samantha's cell phone number is registered to Ian Hitch. So he's probably using the imbedded GPS to keep tabs on her location. GIBBS: Paranoid. TONY: Kind of reminds me of someone. What I meant was most managers are afraid of losing their stars. With a voice like that, Samantha could be the next Brandy. GIBBS: What's a Brandy? MCGEE: Uh... she's a singer and an actress, Boss. TONY: She's very, very hot. KATE: Look, the point is Hitch isn't going to let her go. He'd kill her first. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. We're on our way. (TO KATE) Norfolk homicide found the body of a young woman. She had my card in her bra. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. ALLEY - DAY MAUCERI: We just I.D.ed her. Keisha Scott. Looks like a hit-and-run, Gibbs. GIBBS: Her club name is Summer Diamond. She was in our interrogation room yesterday. KATE: Willie Taylor I.D.ed her as the girl he had s*x with, not Petty Officer King. MAUCERI: She cop to it? GIBBS: If she did, she'd be in NCIS custody instead of dead. MAUCERI: No chance this was an accident. GIBBS: Nope. KATE: Ian Hitch is involved. MAUCERI: Bulldog? That explains a lot. No witnesses, nobody in the neighborhood heard anything last night. He's got this part of town in his pocket. GIBBS: Yeah, how about you? MAUCERI: I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Gibbs. GIBBS: Either way I'm taking him down. MAUCERI: You might find who did this, but connecting him to Bulldog? Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen. GIBBS: Well, no. Not if you keep letting him skate, Mauceri. MAUCERI: Hey, I've been down this road before, Gibbs. I bring him in for questioning, his lawyer will have him out before lunch. GIBBS: I've got a better idea. MAUCERI: Yeah? GIBBS: Yeah. You turn jurisdiction over on this to me this time. MAUCERI: You got it. How soon can you get the rest of your team here? GIBBS: Oh... pretty soon. (WHISTLES) (SFX: VAN BRAKES TO A STOP) (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: No way this was hit-and-run, boss. She's practically naked. It was thirty-five degrees this morning. DUCKY: Do you see that, Mister Palmer? Someone was holding her arms tightly before her death, enough to cause these bruises. GIBBS: She was shoved in front of a vehicle, Duck? DUCKY: It's possible. We'll know more when I get the poor girl back home. KATE: We've got some broken glass over here. Looking at the thickness, may be a headlight. GIBBS: Bag it. McGee! MCGEE: Yeah, Boss? GIBBS: Locals think it was a hit and run. What about you? MCGEE: Me? Um.... Me? Uh... TONY: Answer the man, Probie! MCGEE: I don't think so. GIBBS: Why? MCGEE: Well, there are no skid marks before or after the body. Whoever hit her didn't even slow down. GIBBS: Kate, take DiNozzo and pick up Samantha. Make sure her cell phone is off. Don't tell her about Summer. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: I want to know where this dirtbag was the night Petty Officer King was murdered, and where he was last night when Summer decided to go for a walk half-naked. MCGEE: You got it, Boss.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) SAMANTHA: It's supposed to be my day off. How do you know Hitch won't find out I'm not at the hospital with my father? KATE: He won't. TONY: When our computer geek's done with your phone, it'll show you were there all day. Probie, rig the GPS chip. Location: Norfolk Hospital, room two seventeen thirty. SAMANTHA: You can really do that? MCGEE: Sure. SAMANTHA: I've already told your people I'm not talking about this, Agent Gibbs. So can we please make this quick? GIBBS: You're not here to talk. You're here to see. SAMANTHA: What? GIBBS: A friend. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: UNZIP) SAMANTHA: Oh, god, Summer. Summer, this is not happening. How did this--? GIBBS: How do you think? SAMANTHA: She has a two year old. Even Bulldog-- TONY: Bulldog's tying up some loose ends, Samantha. KATE: All you have to do is cooperate with us and we'll take him out of your life for good. SAMANTHA: I can't. Don't you understand? GIBBS: Your sister is in the freezer. Maybe you'd like to say goodbye. SAMANTHA: Summer talked to you! That's why she's lying on that slab! It's not happening to me! GIBBS: You're right. It's happening because of you! SAMANTHA: Okay, either charge me with something or I'm out of her. Now! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: You're making a big mistake, Samantha. KATE: Once you walk out those doors, we can't protect you. MCGEE: Boss, Hitch's got a very good alibi for last night. He was in New York promoting his club. The photos here are from the gossip page of The Eastsider this morning. I checked with the airlines. He didn't get back until eleven hundred today. SAMANTHA: He always wins. I tried to tell my sister that. She didn't listen. I hope you do before I end up dead, too. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) Cause of death? DUCKY: (V.O.) Well, she received several fatal injuries consistent with vehicular homicide, and if I had to pick one... internal bleeding. (ON CAMERA) Although her neck was broken on impact, damaging her spinal cord and a carotid artery. I'm afraid even if you'd survived, my dear, you would never have danced again. GIBBS: Drugs? DUCKY: Well, the tox screen showed a mixture of methamphetamine and alcohol in her blood. Not enough to kill her like our Petty Officer. GIBBS: What about the bruising? DUCKY: Well, these bruises here on her arms were made by somebody holding her tightly. I wish I could tell you more. GIBBS: Yeah, Duck. So do I. DUCKY: Jethro, there is a procedure Abby could use to lift the fingerprints off these bruises. GIBBS: Off of dead skin? DUCKY: Yeah. Only we'd need your approval. GIBBS: Why? DUCKY: Well, it's prohibitively expensive and rarely works. GIBBS: So is getting married. Do it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (V.O.) Are you done yet? MCGEE: I'm going as fast as I can. Do you mind? TONY: No. MCGEE: Now I'm done. TONY: Okay, put her on the plasma, Probie. Oh, did you really make these yourself, Kate? KATE: I did. TONY: Because they're delicious. I didn't know you could cook. KATE: Well, technically it's baking. And there's a lot about me you don't know, Tony. MCGEE: Hey Kate, could I try one? KATE: Of course, McGee! I made enough for all.... Tony, there were a dozen in here. TONY: They're really delicious. GIBBS: Okay, what do you have for me? MCGEE: A way to keep tabs on Samantha King's location, boss. Uh... I think that one was for... When I... when I rigged the GPS chip in her phone, I also downloaded the code. So now we can follow her anywhere she goes. TONY: She's twenty miles outside of Norfolk on Route Sixty-four. GIBBS: Good work, McGee. That's a good job. MCGEE: Thank you, Boss. But actually it was Tony's idea. GIBBS: I'm impressed, DiNozzo. TONY: Just trying to help out, Boss. (BEAT) That's so not right. GIBBS: McGee, Abby's need help. Tony, Kate, you're with me. KATE: Where are we going? GIBBS: Norfolk. We're going to pay Ian Hitch a visit. KATE: What about blowing our covers as talent scouts? GIBBS: Samantha is leaving with us. TONY: She changed her mind, Boss? GIBBS: It does not matter. I'm not letting her end up like her sister downstairs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY JIMMY: So how is this supposed to work exactly? ABBY: Good question. I've never actually done it on a body before. We'll figure it out together, Jimmy. JIMMY: Oh, please. Call me Jimmy. ABBY: I just did. JIMMY: Oh, sorry! I guess I didn't hear you. ABBY: So this stuff is basically Super Glue. It bonds instantly with almost anything. And then when it's heated, the vapors are attracted to proteins and fats left behind from a human fingerprint. And when they dry, you can just peal them off like a sticker. JIMMY: That's... oh... oh... I'm sorry! I'll get it!(JIMMY KNOCKS THE GLUE TO THE GROUND) ABBY: I got it. JIMMY: Oh! Sorry, oh... oh... I'm sorry. It's my fault. My fault. ABBY: Um... okay. You know, I think that this would be better if I just did this by myself. JIMMY: I was only trying to observe. ABBY: Okay. You can let go of my arms now. JIMMY: Right. Oh um... I'm trying. ABBY: Well try harder, Jimmy! JIMMY: I can't um... uh... I'm stuck. Ah... (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) MCGEE: Palmer, what the hell are you doing?! ABBY: McGee, acetone and Band-Aids, fast! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING KATE: I'm tracking her GPS signal, Gibbs. Samantha's back at the club. GIBBS: DiNozzo.(SFX: SNORING B.G.) KATE: I'll wake him up. GIBBS: No. No. I've got a better idea. Hold on. (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) KATE: (CHUCKLES) Bad dream, Tony? TONY: I thought I...I thought... GIBBS: Call Abby, see if she got any prints off the body. TONY: Sure, Boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now. MCGEE: He is? Cool. ABBY: This is the last print. It's a partial from the right bruise. Any luck with the print from the left arm, He-Man? MCGEE: Still running them through AFIS. Look, I'll apologize to him later. Just - ooh, we've got a match. It's one of Hitch's bouncers, Richard "Blue" McGinty. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED TONY: (INTO PHONE) All right, I got it. Thanks, Abby. (TO GIBBS) They got a print off Summer's body. It's the bouncer from outside the club the other night. (SFX: TIRES SCREECH) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY MCGINTY: Jade, Bulldog wants to see you. Are you okay, sweetheart? SAMANTHA: I don't know how much more of this I can take, Blue. MCGINTY: When you're a star this will all seem like a bad dream. SAMANTHA: I'm having second thoughts about the dream. MCGINTY: It's kind of late for that, isn't it, Samantha? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BUILDING - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (CAR DOORS CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HITCH'S OFFICE - DAY SAMANTHA: You wanted to see me? HITCH: Close the door, Jade. It seems that Lulu isn't a talent scout after all. She's a Navy cop. SAMANTHA: I didn't know, Ian. I swear. HITCH: What did you tell them? That I killed your sister? SAMANTHA: I didn't tell them anything. HITCH: Now why don't I believe you, Jade? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BUILDING - DAY KATE: She's inside. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HITCH'S OFFICE - DAY SAMANTHA: If you shoot me, they'll know it was you, Ian. HITCH: Tell me the game you're playing and I'll try to have that in mind then. SAMANTHA: I'm not playing any games! HITCH: That's not what Summer said. Did you know she's dead? Oh, of course you do. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BUILDING - DAY (SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ SCREAMING WOMEN RUN FROM THE BUILDING) (KATE/TONY AND GIBBS MOVE TOWARD THE OFFICE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HITCH'S OFFICE - DAY (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Put the weapon down! MCGINTY: He was going to kill her. I didn't have a choice. GIBBS: Drop it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (SFX: BEEP TONES) GIBBS: Do you have everything ready for shipment to Norfolk? MCGEE: Working on it. ABBY: It might be a problem, though, Gibbs. GIBBS: What kind of problem? ABBY: I got back Summer Diamond's DNA, and it does not match the DNA we took off the condoms at that first crime scene. GIBBS: She didn't set Willie Taylor up? MCGEE: Nope. ABBY: The weird thing is I did get a near match from the Armed Forces DNA Registry. GIBBS: He was set up by a sailor? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY SAMANTHA: I'm going to make you proud, Daddy, just like you were of Manda. Everybody's going to know my name. BEN KING: I was always proud of you, Sammy. My baby... the pop star. Wish I... wish we could be around to see. Manda always loved your singing. GIBBS: We need to talk. Outside. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY SAMANTHA: He only has a few hours left, Agent Gibbs. Is this about Blue? GIBBS: It's about you. Summer Diamond didn't set your sister up. Were you going to split the money with Blue? KATE: Or record a demo with it? TONY: We know, Samantha. Your big sister told us. KATE: Or more appropriately, her DNA. There's a seventy percent match of the DNA found on the condoms in Willie Taylor's apartment. TONY: Only a sibling could be that close. KATE: We also had access to your phone, Samantha. TONY: Guess where the GPS chip puts you on the nights your sister and Summer Diamond died? GIBBS: Setting up Ian Hitch was a nice touch. TONY: It gets you out of that crappy record contract you signed, and you get all your dad's money. SAMANTHA: She's dead and still screwing with my life. GIBBS: You want to say goodbye to your father? If I were you, I'd keep lying to him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY BEN KING: I always believed in you, even when your sister didn't. You're gonna make it. You are going to be famous. I can feel it. (SFX: SOLID BEEP TONE) SAMANTHA: That's right, Daddy. I'm going to be a real star. (MUSIC OUT)
Plan: A: A dance club bartender wakes; Q: Who claims that the woman he came home with was not the woman he came home with? A: bed; Q: Where did the bartender wake up with the dead woman? A: a dead female petty officer; Q: What was lying next to the dance club bartender when he woke up? A: the time; Q: When was the bartender drunk? A: DNA tests; Q: What proved that the bartender was telling the truth? A: the team; Q: Who must figure out whether the bartender was telling the truth or not? Summary: A dance club bartender wakes up in bed with a dead female petty officer lying next to him and claims this was not the woman he came home with, despite the fact that he was drunk at the time. DNA tests reveal that he was telling the truth, but the team must still work to figure out whether this means that he did not kill the dead woman. The victim's sister and a local corrupt businessman might know more than what they are telling.
[Before we have the usual previously on collection of scenes.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM [Lorelai dressed and sitting on the new bed, not the furniture Luke had in storage. She is putting her boots. She is tilting her head to listening for something or someone.] LORELAI: Hey. RORY [OS from the bathroom]: What? LORELAI: Make an occasional noise so I know you didn't pull an Elvis. RORY [OS]: Just putting the finishing touches on the face. LORELAI [snorts]: You're an infant. Hit yourself with a giant powder puff and get out here. RORY [OS]: I love this bathroom. LORELAI: Uh, too much! I need the sink. RORY [OS]: You need my sink? What about the other sink? LORELAI [gets up and walks to the bathroom door]: Oh! I forgot I had two sinks! RORY: Well, you do. LORELAI: Look at this. Two sinks. I'm so decadent. I could brush my teeth over this one and spit into that one. RORY: This is now my official favourite room in the whole world. Besides the Reading Room at the British Museum. But add a dome ceiling and ten million books and you've got yourself a horse race. LORELAI: Paul Anka loves this room too. RORY [laughs]: You ever hear that tape of him chewing out his band after a show? 'When I move, I slice like a hammer! The guys get shirts!' LORELAI: That's the human Paul Anka. RORY: I don't believe the canine version exists. LORELAI: He is just laying low until he figures out you're not going to break his heart or eat his pig's ears or something. RORY: Well, the chicken's got to show his face so I can prove myself. LORELAI: So, what all do you have going on today? Oh, she's already got a list going. RORY [reading]: Follow up calls to Yale to make sure I'm all set up for spring semester, four hours of community service - I'm going to try to stretch it to five because I am tantalizingly close to being done - my engine light was on, but I already took care of that - LORELAI: This morning? RORY [noding]: Got to Gypsy's shop before it opened. There was only one other annoying early bird ahead of me, but I bribed Gypsy with a pack of Rolo's and she took me first. LORELAI: She is such a Rolo whore. RORY: I've got tons of e-mails to return, and, oh, I've got to get the Eagle-Gazette a bunch of stuff I've written. LORELAI: Okay. Don't forget to sleep, daughter of mine. RORY: Eh. And, uh, I've got to unpack and organize everything and that's it, for now. LORELAI: Okay, but you will have to leave the bathroom to do all that. RORY: Mm, reluctantly. See you downstairs.[She goes out the room.] LORELAI [calling after her as she goes down stairs]: Okay. Hey, you have time to eat and hang out with me, don't you? Is that on your microscopic little list there? RORY [OS]: I've timed out the rest of the morning for you. LORELAI: Good girl! RORY [OS, shocked]: Oh! Oh, my God! LORELAI: What? RORY [OS]: Come down here! LORELAI: I'm coming! LIVING ROOM [Lorelai comes down to meet Rory on the stairs, she is stunned to see Paul Anka sitting on the coffee table.] LORELAI: What? RORY: He has emerged. I'm assuming that's Paul Anka. LORELAI: Well, it ain't Louis Prima. RORY: Shoo! Shoo! LORELAI: What are you doing? RORY: He shouldn't be on the table. LORELAI: That's his favorite spot. What are you going to do next, tell him he can't drink out of my water glass? RORY: Sorry. How should I approach him? LORELAI: Follow me. RORY: 'Kay.[They slowly go down the stairs.] LORELAI: Okay, stop. Now go in the kitchen and put sugar on your toes. RORY: What? LORELAI: And quickly! Because first impressions are crucial and you're blowing it big time. RORY: Sugar on my toes? LORELAI: Yes, he loves sugar, so the first time you come close to him, if you've got sugar on your toes that he can lick and enjoy, you're in. RORY: He's going to lick it? LORELAI: Go, quick! RORY: Okay. [Running to the kitchen, stops at the sink and takes off her shoes.] LORELAI [OS]: Wet your toes first so it sticks! RORY: What? LORELAI [OS]: Dry sugar on a dry toe isn't going to work! RORY: Oh, jeez. [Turns on the tap and moistens a paper towel to wet her foot, then tips sugar on it, spilling some on the floor.] I'm making a mess. LORELAI [OS]: Don't worry about the mess! RORY: We're going to have ants! LORELAI [OS]: Hurry! RORY: I'm coming! [Quickly walking back to the living room. Lorelai is now sitting on the coffee table next to Paul Anka.] RORY: Okay, my toes are all sugared. LORELAI: Okay, good! Now do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around. RORY [wary]: What? LORELAI: All you have to do is pet him and you're in! RORY: You're evil. LORELAI: Yes, I am. [Paul Anka hops of the coffee table and licks Rory's toes.] RORY [petting him]: Hey, there, boy! Oh, that tickles! LORELAI: Well, he's glad you're here! Wait a minute, you're here! RORY: I know! LORELAI: Wait right there. [Lorelai goes into the hall closet.] RORY: Is this another trick? LORELAI: No, I'm just getting something. [The "Bop-it" toy makes a noise.] RORY: You're pulling out the Bop-it? You're already that bored of me? LORELAI [returns with a hat box]: No. I just accidentally hit the Bop-it while I was getting this. RORY: You bought me a hat? LORELAI: No, it's a hat box, filled with these. [Opening it she and gets out some bits of paper.] These are notes, written on whatever I had on hand at the time. Any time I had a topic I wanted to share with you or a random thought during that crappy time apart of ours, I jotted it down and threw it in the hat box so I wouldn't forget. RORY: Really? LORELAI: I missed you, kid. RORY: Missed you too. [Smiling at each other.] So, hit me with 'em! LORELAI: While we walk to Luke's. Come on. Some of these are pretty cryptic. [Reading]: Um, Lenny Kravitz - where did Lenny Kravitz - RORY and LORELAI [together]: Get all his money? LORELAI: Yes! One hit and he's buying a Fifth Avenue mansion. RORY: Maybe he went through Nicole Kidman's wallet when she wasn't looking. LORELAI: That's got to be it. [Reading another bit of paper] Computer MP down - oh. I want to download music. There's so much out there. Can you help me figure that out? MP3 players? RORY: I can do that. Next? LORELAI: Eh, Kirk skeet shooting. RORY: That's a bad combination. LORELAI: Yeah, it's the first time the town church has taken gunfire since the eighteenth century. RORY: I missed so much so quickly! [They leave.] OPENING CREDITS TOWN SQUARE [Lorelai and Rory are walking through town, across a street, heading to Luke's, reading more the notes.] LORELAI: Okay. Babette - cats. RORY: Death? LORELAI: No. RORY: Adopted another one? LORELAI: No. RORY: What? LORELAI: Recorded their meows, did some editing and cut a record of them singing Ring of Fire. RORY: Well, that goes straight to the top of my charts. LORELAI: Oh, I started reading Beowulf, that new translation you recommended. RORY: The Seamus Heaney? Good for you. LORELAI: Yeah. And stopped reading Beowulf, jotted on the same slip three minutes later. RORY: Well, you gave it the old college try. LORELAI: Oh, this is a new one! Kirk's got a new hobby. He's doing - RORY [together]: Doing Tai Chi? LORELAI: How'd you know that? RORY: Because he's doing it right there. [Rory points to Kirk, doing Tai Chi on the lawn.] LORELAI: Is it possible for him to do something without looking a little silly? RORY: He wouldn't be Kirk then. LORELAI [reading]: Bendleshnitz? [She shrugs.] RORY: That's not English. LORELAI: I know. I'll add it to the ones that I can't make out. And - [reading another] - brazzlefrat. RORY: Another unreadable one. LORELAI: They're stacking up! [As they reach Luke's, Lorelai takes Rory's hand.] Okay. Now wait out here. RORY: Why? LORELAI: It's a thing. A moment thing. Just wait here. RORY: Okay. [Lorelai enters.] LUKE: Hey! LORELAI: You ready? LUKE: For what? LORELAI: For this! The moment you've all been waiting for! [She vibrates her tongue.] Brrrr! LUKE: What's that? LORELAI: It's a drum roll. LUKE: It sounded more like a helicopter. LORELAI: Well, it's a drum roll, go with it, okay? [Luke murmurs his agreement.] Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Gilmore! [She opens the door.] RORY [entering]: Hi Luke! LUKE: Hey, Rory, you're back! [They hug, awkwardly.] RORY: I'm back! LUKE: Good! You look good. You look healthy, happy. Huh, here with your mom, both of you here. Yeah, it's great, you know! Yay! [Awkward pause.] I don't think I've ever said 'yay' before. Sounded weird. LORELAI: A little. LUKE: Come, sit, sit. [They sit down.] RORY: What was that sound you were making? LORELAI: A drum roll! RORY: It sounded like a helicopter or something. LUKE: That's what I said. LORELAI: Has no one heard a drum roll before? LUKE: Hey, I saved you the best table in case you showed up. RORY: In case? It was mandatory. LUKE: What can I get you? Ah, never mind. I'm going to bring you everything you like. I know what you like. RORY: Sounds good. LORELAI: Oh, hey! You were with me when I wrote this. [Holding up a notes.] Uh, what does it say? LUKE [takes the note]: Oh, this is from that stupid Mexican restaurant we went to. LORELAI: Right. I wrote something on the other side. LUKE: Man, this place stunk! LORELAI: I know, but read the back, there. I've got to know what it says. LUKE: Look what we paid! Unbelievable. LORELAI: Downright usurious! Now look at the other side, there. The brazzelfrat? LUKE: They did charge me for that second beer! I never got it. LORELAI: Scandalous. But the other side. LUKE: Six bucks for guacamole. LORELAI [takes the paper back]: Oh, just bring me what she's having. LUKE: Coming right up. [He turns to leave.] RORY: So, Luke, wait! You haven't told me anything about yourself. What's new with you? LUKE: With me? Uh, nothing. We're engaged, your mom and me. RORY: I know that, but anything else? LUKE: No. No, why? RORY: Just wondering. LUKE: What have you heard? RORY: Nothing. That's why I'm asking. LUKE: Well, there's your answer. Nothing. Nothing's new. [Nods.] I'm going to go put in your order, okay? RORY: Sure. [He leaves.] LORELAI: We'll be waiting hungrily! RORY: Did I inadvertently step into something there? LORELAI: No idea. [Lane comes to the table.] LANE: Mother and daughter, together again, and all is right with the world. Hi, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi, Lane. LANE [to Rory]: So. Next Wednesday night, I need you. Tell me you're not busy. RORY: I'm not sure, why? LANE: We're doing a showcase. Me and the band. Not a gig, a showcase. And a label's going to be there. [Lorelai eagerly gasps.] I'm shaking! I shouldn't shake, I'm a drummer! It'll mess up the beat. But, my God, we're playing for a label. RORY: Wow! Lane, I'm absolutely there. This is big! LANE: Very big. Unless it's a 'Waiting for Guffman' thing and the label guys don't show up. Did I just jinx it? RORY: I don't know. Let's do that un-jinxing thing we used to do, just in case. LANE: Good. [They link pinkie fingers.] RORY and LANE [solemnly, together]: Jinx back, double pinkie, round the side, double pinkie, jinx back. [Clapping their hands twice together.] LORELAI: Hey, I want to do that! RORY: It's a serious thing, Mom! You don't just do it. LORELAI: Sorry. RORY: Well, Lane, you guys are so prepared for this. That tape you gave me of your new stuff was awesome! LORELAI: Hey, what if I jinx it! Do I get to do the un-jinxing thing then? LANE: If we jinx-back a second time within the hour, it cancels out the first jinx-back. LORELAI: Sorry. LANE: So, what were your favorites on the tape? RORY: Well, 'Melissa' was catchy, and 'Colleen Francine'. But that other one - 'Rebecca in the morning'? That was my favorite. LANE: Mine too! RORY: Zach's into songs with girl's names, huh? LANE: He thinks that's our best shot at radio play. Worked for the Police, the Knack, Franz Ferdinand. RORY: Good thinking. LANE: Hey. Do you want to be our DA Pennebaker? We're borrowing a video camera, and we need someone sober to do the photography. RORY: I could set my crack pipe aside for the night and do that. LANE: Thanks! [Taking out her notepad.] You plus one, right? RORY: Plus one? LANE: You plus Logan? RORY: No. Just me. [Lorelai looks concerned.] LANE: Oh, okay. How about you, Lorelai? LORELAI: Working that night, sweetie, but break a leg. Does that get me a hand thingy? RORY: No. LORELAI: Rats. LANE: See you guys. [She leaves.] LORELAI: So, just you, huh? RORY: Just me. LORELAI: Okay! RORY: As long as you're prying - LORELAI: I wasn't. RORY: Briefly, succinctly, Logan and I are not talking right now. LORELAI: Ah. RORY: We had a fight. A big one, in public. LORELAI: Oops. RORY: I think we just needed a little break, a least I did. It's more like a hiatus. LORELAI: Well, sometimes a break is good. RORY: Sometimes. [Luke brings them their food.] LUKE: Food. First wave only. Second wave, five minutes. RORY: Let's dig in. LORELAI [eagerly]: I hope it's not cold. Oops, I think I jinxed it! [She holds up her hand and Rory plays along.] RORY and LORELAI [together]: Jinx back, double pinkie, round the side, double pinkie, jinx back. LORELAI: Woo! DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [The kitchen is busy with staff and Sookie cooking.] SOOKIE: Okay, where's the onions for my sauce? Who's my onion man? CARL: Right here, Sookie. SOOKIE: Okay, right here, Carl. I need them right there. Okay? Get the shallots in it. It's time. It's time! [She tastes a sauce.] Okay. Needs more garlic. Come on. Godfather it up for me. [To the woman chopping herbs] Good! Good, good, good. Good, good. Okay. If you can travel back in time and make me not make the veal and ham pate, I'd appreciate it. Talk me out of these things in the future, guys. LORELAI [comes up behind her]: Hello! SOOKIE: Hello! LORELAI: Could you step away from the pan, please? SOOKIE: Honey, do you see a joystick? This is not a game. Okay? It's a heche sauce and it's for keeps! LORELAI: Put it down! SOOKIE [turns to Lorelai]: Okay! What? LORELAI [calling]: Okay! [Rory comes in, Sookie shrieks in excitement throwing her hands in the air. They hit Carl in the face, knocking him over, a bowl of food is knocked to the floor.] SOOKIE [hugs Rory]: Oh, my God! RORY: Hi Sookie! SOOKIE: You're here! You're with us! Oh, look, I missed you! RORY: I missed you! SOOKIE [gasps, to Lorelai]: This means you can set a wedding date. No impediments! LORELAI: Yeah. I already told Luke. SOOKIE [breathless]: Hyperventilating! [She gives a thumbs-up signal to Rory and Lorelai how look worried.] Hyperventilating! I was just working on my list of what to make for Thanksgiving and I was wishing you were going to be here and now you are! [Still gasping] Oh my God! What if what I'm wishing for is actually coming true? LORELAI: Quick! Wish for a Sephora to be built within walking distance. RORY: Do you need a paper bag? SOOKIE: I'm good, I'm good. Just happy. [She sighs. Michel enters.] MICHEL [smiles cheerfully]: Rory! RORY [amazed]: Oh, hi! Wow, Michel. MICHEL [back to serious voice]: Hi. LORELAI: Boy, that was weird. MICHEL: She just surprised me, that's all. [To Rory] It's kind of okay that you are here. RORY: It's kind of okay with me too. SOOKIE [shouting suddenly]: Lunch! RORY: What? SOOKIE [points at Rory forcefully]: Lunch! I'm making you lunch! RORY: But we just - LORELAI: Don't fight it. SOOKIE: It just came to me. Kebabs. Okay, drop everything, boys! We're making kebabs for Rory, and pot stickers! Okay, throw everything out. This is a celebration! Woo! LORELAI: Let's get to higher ground. [Rory and Lorelai turn to leave the kitchen.] LANE'S HOUSE [Band meeting.] ZACH: Okay, we're opening with Melissa, closing with Dear Maureen. Those are great bookends, it's the middle part that's screwing us up. GIL: Aw, man, I wish we had one more ballad. ZACH: I'm half finished with one, but it's not going to be ready in time. [Singing] I saw her, in the mist she came walking by, Stella. Now a blur, made a list of what I like about her, Stella. BRIAN: Cool! GIL: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it. ZACH: Well, that's what I was going for. Still hunting for that middle eight, you know? LANE: So, um, it's called Stella? ZACH: Yeah, I guess. Didn't you like it? LANE: No, it's good. It's just - it's another girl's name. ZACH: So? GIL: If he were singing about dudes, I'd be out the door before you could say 'See ya'! ZACH: Look, Lane, you know how I write. I think about people that I've known and I draw inspiration from that. LANE: I know, it's just, no big deal or anything, but have you ever thought to write one about, I don't know, a girl named Lane? ZACH: Well, Lane just isn't that great of a name for a song. LANE: But you've already got one called Lorraine. Lorraine is pretty much Lane with an extra syllable thrown in. ZACH: True, but nothing rhymes with Lane. LANE: I'm sorry, but a million things rhyme with Lane. ZACH: Yeah, rain. Pain. All cliché stuff. You're not a writer. BRIAN: I think you could come up with non-cliché stuff to rhyme with Lane. ZACH: Wait, maybe I could write one about your Korean name. What was that again? LANE: Hyung-hyung? Zach [cringes]: O for two. Look, it's not your fault. You didn't pick your name, your mom did. LANE: Right. I didn't pick it. ZACH: Okay, so. Where were we? Oh. Lorraine. Where should Lorraine go? GIL: Try it after Rebecca. BRIAN: It's not as good a transition as going from Rebecca to Linda Marie. ZACH: True is true. GIL: Man. I wish Stella was ready. [Lane looks unhappily at Zach.] DRAGONFLY INN - DINING ROOM [Rory and Lorelai are sitting at a table piled with food, Lorelai is reading more notes.] RORY: Three days. LORELAI: Three days he had the hiccups. RORY: Poor Paul Anka. LORELAI: And by sneaking up on him to scare them out of him, he jumped so high, his head split my lip. See the red? My blood. RORY: Yuck. LORELAI: Oh. Um, here's a non-fun one. Just to mix it up a little. RORY: What? LORELAI: Your dad called. RORY: Wow. It's been, like a year, hasn't it? When did he call? LORELAI: The very worst possible time. RORY [rolls eyes]: He's got a knack for that. LORELAI: I didn't talk to him. He left a message, some of which Luke overheard and it freaked him out. RORY: That's understandable. LORELAI: And we argued, see? Arguing's not just for the younger demographic. RORY: Nice to know. LORELAI: But then we made up and we had a good talk and then I listened to the rest of Christopher's message and he wants to see me. RORY: Why? LORELAI: He didn't say. He sounded very chipper. He said he had something very important to discuss with me, and that it wasn't a trick, and that it was an absolute one hundred percent positive thing for me and for you. RORY: For both of us. LORELAI: Mm-hm. RORY: Meaning there's a ninety-nine and ninety-nine one hundredths percent chance that it won't be. LORELAI: I guess so. So what should I do? RORY: You could ignore him. LORELAI: That's dangerous, too. RORY: It's a slippery slope with Dad. LORELAI: What could it be about? I mean, he wouldn't dare be in cahoots with Emily and Richard on something, would he? RORY: He's not that dumb. LORELAI: Yeah, but he's vulnerable. They prey on the weak. RORY: But he said it's something positive. It couldn't involve them. LORELAI: Maybe he's getting back together with his wife. RORY: Well, that's not technically good news for us, it's just news. LORELAI: Maybe it's about Gigi. Maybe he's discovered she's a prodigy. Maybe he's calling to invite us to her premiere at Carnegie Hall. RORY: Playing what instrument? LORELAI: The flugle horn. RORY: She's three. We would have read about it in the paper by now. 'Freakishly talented three-year-old flugle horn prodigy discovered'. LORELAI: It would be very positive news. RORY: Hm. Well, I'm out. LORELAI: Me too. ' RORY: I guess there's only one way to find out. LORELAI: Guess so. [groaning] Brazzlefrat. RORY: Bendleschnitz. LUKE'S DINER [Liz buttering a baking pan standing behind the counter.] LIZ: Thank you so much, big brother. What a godsend you are. LUKE: Yeah. God sent me to help you and now he must pay. LIZ [to a customer]: You know, I've never made dinner for twelve people before. Actually I've never made dinner before. See, I'm making rolls for my thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, and I just don't have the oven space. Or the oven. LUKE: Just hurry, Liz. LIZ [to the same customer]: See, I've got a convection oven and a microwave, and that's going to take care of everything else. See, I'm a student of Martha. You know Martha Stewart? She's a genius. LUKE: Don't bother the customers, Liz. LIZ: You know, they're all Renaissance Faire people coming to this thing, Luke. You know some of them. LUKE: Goody. LIZ: Larry with the 'Kill 'em all' tattoo on his face, and Freddy, the guy who doesn't have thumbs. LUKE: Don't tell me, he's hitch hiking in. LIZ [laughing]: You're funny. Really, Luke, I'm calling you Yakov from now on! LUKE: Just try not to be too intrusive, please, Liz? LIZ: Yes, sir! [She hits the package on the counter over and over again.] Hey, that's fun! LUKE: Okay. This is not what I call not being intrusive. LIZ: Okay, I know this. Two 'not's is a double negative which makes it a positive, and - you know what, this is where I always lose my train of thought. LUKE: You're intruding. [Liz peels back the paper on the tube and it open up. Laughing, she looks at the dough inside.] LIZ: Is this one roll? It's crazy! LUKE: You separate 'em. LIZ: Oh, boy. My carpal tunnel. That's going to make doing this impossible. [To the customer] Hey, do you mind giving me a hand? [Luke takes the package from Liz.] No, you don't have to do that! LUKE: Yes, I do. LIZ: If you insist. [Luke begins to separate the dough and places it on the tray.] I'll, uh, grab me a cup of coffee. SOPHIE'S MUSIC SHOP [The band is looking around the shop.] LANE: So, Sophie, you've done, like, big show gigs before playing the piano. Any advice? SOPHIE: Don't wear a clown suit. LANE: Thanks. Zach [touching a guitar]: Still got my eye on this beauty. SOPHIE: Just don't put your hand on it. ZACH: Maybe I'll splurge and get it. You take MasterCard? SOPHIE: Why, you got one? ZACH: Just waiting to hear back on the application. SOPHIE: Keep moving. Zach [sees a wireless headset microphones]: Oh! Cool! We should all get these. LANE: Wireless mikes? BRIAN: Isn't that too Gwen Stefani? ZACH: Not if we wear 'em. It'll be totally Peter Gabriel. [Brian plays a tune on a piano.] ZACH: Hey, dude. That doesn't sound too bad. What is it? BRIAN: Oh, just a song I've been working on. I don't know if it's any good or not. ZACH: Chords are good. Any lyrics? BRIAN: Some. It's called Lane. [Lane looks up.] ZACH: It's called Lane? LANE [pleased]: Who, me, Lane? BRIAN: Yeah. We were talking about songs and Lane yesterday and I just got inspired. Zach [not pleased]: Inspired, huh? LANE [happy]: That's nice! Thanks, Brian! SOPHIE: Doesn't make me want to be violently ill. LANE: High praise. BRIAN: Yeah! Thanks, Sophie! LANE [to Zach]: We can learn it next week. Zach [getting bothered]: Look, we came to get picks. Let's get picks, okay? [Zach walks away. Lane and Sophie look at each other.] MYSTERY COFFEE SHOP [Christopher is at a table, waiting. As Lorelai enters he stands up.] CHRIS: Lorelai. Over here. I snagged the best table in the house. LORELAI: You slip the guy a buck? CHRIS: I had to get my fifty cents change. Hey. LORELAI: Hey, Chris. [They hug.] CHRIS [looking at Lorelai]: I don't know how you do it, I mean, you always look - LORELAI: Yeah, well, I get the girls from the Wash & Brush Up company from the Wizard of Oz working for me now. CHRIS [chuckles]: Good deal. [They sit down.] So, uh, how's our Rory? LORELAI: Oh, she's good. She's, um, you know. Great. Very busy. CHRIS: As per usual. LORELAI: She took a little time off Yale. CHRIS [pauses]: And the Apocalypse is this week? Next week? LORELAI: She's back there and she's thriving. She'll be running the world one day. CHRIS [worried]: You sure? LORELAI: She's doing great. Trust me. CHRIS: I do. LORELAI: So? CHRIS: So. LORELAI: What's going on? CHRIS: Wouldn't you like to know? LORELAI: Christopher. CHRIS: This is the funniest thing I've got to do in years. Years! All right? Let me, let me savour it. LORELAI: Come on! Tell me. What? CHRIS: My grandfather died. LORELAI [puzzled]: Um, that's fun how? CHRIS: Well, that's not the fun part. The old man was ninety eight, long life, great life. His last words were an inappropriate pass at the nurse tending to him. Pretty good one, too. I made a mental note of it. LORELAI: So your grandfather died. CHRIS: Well, the old guy was actually pretty cool, and for some reason he always liked me. And he was the Hayden with the purse strings. Long story short, I'm rich. LORELAI: You're rich! CHRIS: Ridiculously. I mean, I'm not Bill Gates by a long shot, but I've got money! Can you stand it? LORELAI [bemused]: Good, Chris. That's good. CHRIS: And I want to share it. I've set Gigi up with funds for private nursery school and prep school and college and grad school and post-grad school and Ph.D. school and a wedding and a divorce if she wants it, and another wedding or she can buy a bunch of cats and a lifetime supply of Twizzlers and popcorn if that's her choice. But she's all set, and now I want to take care of you. You and Rory. LORELAI [shakes her head]: Oh. Oh, Chris, I don't know what to say. CHRIS: What do you want? A car? How about a Bentley? They're pretty sweet. Or a new house? Or a tract of land to build a new house? I can do that. I can buy you a tract. LORELAI: Christopher - CHRIS: Or is there someone you hate that you'd like to say 'I can buy and sell you' to? Because you can have the funds to make that happen. You can crush people with money. You want some people-crushing money? LORELAI: Oh, Chris, slow down, here. CHRIS: Come on, everybody needs something! LORELAI: Including you. Don't forget yourself. CHRIS: Ah, I bought a new bike, I bought a giant audio system. I'm done. What else do I want? Nothing. LORELAI: Buy yourself a tract of land. CHRIS: Come on. Let me give you something. A castle in Ireland? A Civil War cannon. A brewery. Yeah! Buy a brewery! That would be cool! You could brew your own beer! LORELAI: You know, I had a brewery for a while, but I couldn't stand the smell of hops. CHRIS: Pay off something. Your house. Outstanding bills. Your bookie. Something. Pay off Yale. Pay off your back taxes. LORELAI: I don't owe any back taxes. CHRIS: Oh, right, that's me. LORELAI: Look, Chris, you're very nice to offer, and I love that you're so excited about it. It's great to see you like this. But I'm fine. CHRIS: You're too un-materialistic. You know, I've always thought that. LORELAI: If it makes you feel any better, I'll talk to Rory. See if she wants a brewery or a Bentley. CHRIS: Or a castle! Don't forget the castle. LORELAI [smiles]: I'll mention the castle. CHRIS: And it doesn't have to be in Ireland. It can be in Germany, Czech Republic, Scotland, Narnia. LORELAI: I'll leave nothing out. CHRIS: Okay. So, you hungry? LORELAI: A little. CHRIS: Eh, let's eat. [He chuckles.] I'm paying for lunch! SHOWCASE GIG [The band is setting up the equipment, ready for a sound check. Zach is not there yet.] BRIAN: This is the first club I ever went to. I was underage and snuck in and saw Granddaddy in one of their first concerts. LANE: Cool. GIL: I remember once throwing up in that corner, and some dude slipped in and had to go to the hospital, and I stole the chick he was with and shacked up with her for like a week and a half. LANE: Another fun memory. GARY [off stage]: How about it, guys? You about ready to do this? LANE: Just a few more minutes, Gary. BRIAN: Where's Zach? LANE: I don't know. He's coming separately. GIL: Here he is. [Zach comes on stage.] Where you been, man? ZACH: What? Are we punching time cards now? BRIAN: You almost missed sound check! ZACH: Well, almost means I didn't miss it. Just set up your amp, okay? BRIAN: Whatever. ZACH: But not there. I'm not liking the setup here. GIL: This is how we always set up. ZACH: That's why it looks stale. Do you want it to look stale? LANE: No, we don't want that! ZACH: We're going to need room for the new guy, too. BRIAN: New guy? LANE: What new guy? ZACH: Hey, Joel! Come over here, buddy. [Joel enters.] This is Joel. He's going to sit in on tambourine. JOEL: How you doing? LANE: Good, Joel. Um, we added a new guy? GIL: On tambourine? ZACH: He's going to fill out our sound. GIL: But the only reason to have a tambourine is if it's being played by a hot chick. No offense, Joel, but you're not a hot chick. ZACH: Yo! Gary! [Holding up the wireless mike.] See this? Remember it. It's mine. I don't want it sucked into the club's gear when I'm not looking. GARY: What, the Gwen Stefani mike? ZACH: It's not a Gwen Stefani mike. And don't take it. LANE: You bought that mike? ZACH: It means I can crowd surf. The audience loves that. JOEL: They do. They love crowd surfing. Dig. ZACH: Figure I'll stage side right after our guitar solo. LANE: Hey, can I talk to you for a second? [Pulling him to one side.] What is wrong with you? ZACH: Nothing. Why? LANE: You added a band member without telling us? ZACH: Well, it's my band, right? LANE: Uh, no, actually, we're supposed to be a democracy. ZACH: Is this coming from Brian? LANE: No, it's coming from me! I'm just - concerned. ZACH: Well don't be. And don't be a huge mega bummer before our big show. That's not cool. LANE: Okay, I'm sorry. [Joel waves the tambourine around, everyone stares at him and Gil turns away.] [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Rory is at the table in the kitchen using her laptop, her cell phone rings.] RORY: Hello? PARIS [in the newspaper room at Yale Daily]: Hey, it's me. RORY: Who's me? PARIS: Oh my God. You don't recognize your best friend's voice. RORY: Sorry, Paris. There's noise here. PARIS: So, I'm returning your call. RORY: Thanks! I just wanted to tell you something. [Rolling her tongue.] Brrrr! I'm coming back to Yale! PARIS: What was that sound? RORY: That was a drum roll. PARIS: You really had to drum roll that? Of course you're coming back. What are you going to do without a college degree? Drive a forklift? RORY: Well, I was calling to ask you if you could keep your eyes and ears open for a place for me to live. PARIS: Mid-year like this, it's going to be tough. RORY: I'm not picky. Plus I want to come back to the Yale Daily News. That's a given. Where are you right now, by the way? PARIS: I'm here. At the Daily News. RORY: By yourself? PARIS: No, everyone's here. I just like a super-quiet atmosphere. No extraneous talking, and I've even had the computer keyboards deadened. RORY: So they're getting no break for Thanksgiving? PARIS: I put up a fold-out paper turkey and I laid out some Oscar Meyer. [Lorelai enters the kitchen.] RORY: Nice. Well, keep an eye out for a place for me, okay? PARIS: Will do. See you. RORY: Thanks. Bye. [To Lorelai] So? No sign of crying or hair being pulled out. The thing with Dad went okay? LORELAI: It was fine. He was telling the truth. There was nothing too horrible. Except for the frings. RORY: The what? LORELAI: Oh, the combo basket of fries and onion rings. Good in theory, but - RORY: So what did he want to talk to you about? LORELAI: Well, his grandfather died. RORY [understanding]: Oh. LORELAI: Apparently it was one of those un-sad deaths. Like Buddy Hackett. RORY: No-one was sad about Buddy Hackett? LORELAI: No one I saw on the news. Anyway, he left Chris money. A lot of money. And now he's offering to shower us with it. You want a Bentley? RORY: I don't think so. LORELAI: How about a castle? RORY: What would I do with a castle? LORELAI: I'm simply relaying the offer. RORY: Dad should keep the money for himself. LORELAI: Are you sure there's nothing you want? A brewery, a Faberge egg, or let's see, what else did he mention? Um, paying for Yale through a Ph.D., uh, vacations, a cannon from the Civil War - functioning, by the way, so it's not just show. It seemed like the sky was the limit, although he didn't mention the Hoover Dam, so maybe there is a cap of some sort. RORY: Actually, I think maybe there is something I'd want. LORELAI: Really? Okay, what? RORY: I would maybe let him pay for Yale. LORELAI: Seriously? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Wow. RORY: Unless it's too much. LORELAI: I think it was the cheapest of all the things he mentioned. RORY: It's just that there would be residual benefits. It would get me out from under Grandma and Grandpa's thumb, which sounds really good to me right now. LORELAI: Well. I can't say I don't relate. RORY: I don't want them to be holding anything over my head. I don't want to owe them anything. There's too much pressure. Too much expected. There are too many strings with these people. LORELAI [holds up her hands to stop her]: Okay. I'm getting very uncomfortable with the Freaky Friday moment we've got going on here, 'cause it means I have to go to Yale, you have to run the inn, and oh, God, I don't even like thinking about what it would mean for Luke. RORY: It's feeling better by the second, this idea. LORELAI: You do understand, you'd basically be cutting Mom and Dad off. RORY: You don't know what it was like to be living there. LORELAI [insulted]: Hello, oppressed one, class of eighty-five! RORY: But you got out. LORELAI: No, no. You were only there for three months. You're not in my league. We can't swap war stories yet. RORY: They had their Reverend come over to talk me out of having s*x. They never did that to you. LORELAI: Five times they did that to me! The last time they triple-teamed me with a priest, a rabbi and a Mormon missionary. I made so many jokes that night, I should have had a microphone and a brick wall behind me. And I never got a forty thousand dollar s*x house. RORY [frowns]: A what? LORELAI: You don't want to know. RORY: Look. I know it's a slippery slope. Dad is Dad. LORELAI: Yes, he is. RORY: But I'm pretty sure I want to do this. LORELAI: Well, if you're sure, you're sure. We'll call him. RORY: We'll call him. LORELAI: He's going to be happy! RORY: Not as happy as me. LORELAI: Good. [Lorelai get up and pats her head.] SHOWCASE GIG [Rory is at a table, people are gathering for the show. Lane comes up to Rory's table.] LANE: Hey. Hey! RORY [standing up]: Wow! You look almost intimidatingly cool. LANE: Thanks. RORY: Everyone ready? LANE: Pretty much, although sound check was a little weird. RORY: Well, you know what they say. Weird sound check, good gig. LANE [nodding]: Who says that? RORY: Well, just me. But I'm hoping it'll catch on. LANE: See those two guys? Those are the label guys. RORY: Oh. I'll be careful not to hurt them when I start violently slam-dancing. You're going to be great. LANE: Thanks. I should get back there. We have this pre-show thing we always do. RORY: Good luck! [She sits down and Lane goes backstage.] BACKSTAGE [The band is doing it final tuning for the show which is about to start. Zach is checking his wireless microphone.] ZACH: Test. Test. Test. [angry.] Monitor check! Monitor check! Test! Test! Test! Test! Where'd they get these monitors, the Kremlin? Test! Test! GIL: It's your wireless mic, dude. It's not working. ZACH: Well, did somebody touch it? Because it was working before. LANE [entering]: One minute, guys. ZACH: Who says one minute? We go on when we go on! No-one tells Axl Rose when he goes on, he goes on when he feels like it. BRIAN: You're comparing yourself to Axl Rose? ZACH: Don't get in my face, Brian. BRIAN: I'm not. ZACH: Go write some more songs if you've got a problem. ANNOUNCER [OS]: All right! Welcome to the New Deck! Zach [balling up a piece of paper and it throwing away]: Listen, we're throwing out the set list. LANE: What? ZACH: Keep up. I'm going to be calling out tunes like Jack White. BRIAN: But we rehearsed in this order. We've got transitions. ZACH: Yeah! REO Speedwagon had transitions, too! You want to be REO Speedwagon? We should have brought the smoke machine! ANNOUNCER: We've got a special showcase for you tonight. Give it up for Connecticut's own Hep Alien! LANE: Wait, wait, we didn't do our lucky pre-show thing! [The stage curtain opens up.] GIL: Lane, count it down! BRIAN: What are we playing? LANE: Yeah, what are we playing? ZACH: Check, one, two, check, check! GIL: Dude, what are we playing? ZACH: I need to be hotter in the monitor, Gary! Wake up, dude! BRIAN: Come on, let's start! JOEL: Hey, I know that guy. ZACH: We'll start when I'm ready. This is my stage. GIL: Come on, let's do Rebecca. Zach [into the mic]: Just hang on, it's worth waiting around to see the band that's going to get the biggest record deal in history. [The audience begins calling out 'Play!' and booing.] GIL: This is pathetic. MAN IM AUDIENCE: You guys suck! WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Freebird! [Brian takes a step toward Zach.] ZACH: Hey! Knock it off. BRIAN: Knock what off? ZACH: You know what you're doing! Get back to your mike. [He kicks toward Brian.] Get back! LANE [disgusted]: Zach! GIL: Don't kick him. ZACH: Get off my stage if you've got a problem! Nobody's going to tell me what to do on my stage with my band! GIL [to Joel]: Dude, you need to find another place to stand. I'm not going to tell you again. BRIAN: If he moves, he's going to block Lane. ZACH: Oh, yeah, you don't want Lane blocked, do you? MAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on! ZACH: This is a song called Stella. LANE: We haven't learned that song! BRIAN: Let's go back to the set list! Zach [takes off his guitar]: No, we're not going to do that. I'm here to destroy the system so stay out of my way! [He kicks toward Brian again.] GIL: Hey! ZACH: And you don't need to - [A fight breaks out, Gil jumps on Zach. Brian and Lane try to break up the fight. The crown starts throwing things and booing. Rory is still filming them and jumps back. The crowd cheers as the curtain closes.] OUTSIDE THE CLUB - BACK DOOR [Zach is sitting on the step outside the club, pouting when Lane comes outside, she looks mad.] ZACH: Dude broke my wireless mike. LANE: Zach. What is wrong with you? ZACH: Nothing. LANE: Nothing! This was a disaster. The guys from the label were there! They showed up! It was our shot! We worked so hard to get to this point, and we blew our big shot! [Almost crying] What the hell is wrong with you? [Zach shrugs.] You let me down tonight. You let down Gil, you let down Brian - ZACH: I don't want to hear about Brian! LANE [pleading]: Zach! ZACH: This is what it is, okay? Maybe this is why people in bands shouldn't date. LANE [shocked]: Yeah. [She starts crying and nods.] I guess so. [Lane goes back inside leaving Zach who hangs his head.] MYSTERY COFFEE SHOP [Lorelai and Rory enter as Chris gets up.] CHRIS: Hey, guys! LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving! RORY: Hey, Dad! [Chris kisses Rory on the cheek as they hug.] CHRIS: God, I've missed you! Have you grown? She's grown! LORELAI: Only in my estimation. CHRIS: I, I cannot tell you how jazzed I am to see you on Thanksgiving! You know, we've never seen each other on Thanksgiving. LORELAI: Oh, God, is that true? RORY: I think so. CHRIS: I know so. So, uh, what's this about? LORELAI: I filled Rory in. I mentioned the brewery, and the castle. CHRIS: The Oompa Loompas? LORELAI: Those too. And, um - well, you want to take it? RORY: Dad, I - I thought about it, and Mom and I talked about it, and I think it would be really great if you could pay for Yale. CHRIS [happy]: Absolutely, absolutely! Nothing would make me happier. RORY: Good. Thank you. CHRIS: I am there, I am so there. LORELAI: That's great. CHRIS: Let me pay for Chilton too. LORELAI: Well, that's already taken care of. RORY: You know, Yale's kind of expensive. CHRIS: But I'm loaded - didn't you tell her? I'm loaded! LORELAI: I told her. CHRIS: So, how do I do this? Do I give you the cash, or do I pay Yale? Do they take checks or does it have to be a money order? What is a money order anyway? I mean, how is it different from a check? Isn't a check a piece of paper forwarding money? What's the difference? LORELAI: Whoa, Chris, slow down. CHRIS: This makes me so happy, I can't tell you, Rory. RORY: It means a lot to me, Dad. This was excellent timing, believe me. CHRIS: Well, it means more to me. [Rory's cell phone rings, she looks at the Caller ID.] RORY: This is the paper in Stamford. Excuse me. CHRIS: Hey, try to steal a pie on the way out. RORY: Okay. [She goes outside to answer the call.] CHRIS: Thanks for making this happen, Lor. LORELAI: Hey, it wasn't me. It's what she wanted. CHRIS: Well, thanks for giving her the choice. LORELAI: My pleasure. CHRIS: So can I ask you something? LORELAI: Sure. CHRIS: It involves the E word and the R word. LORELAI: Please, let's not discuss evolution or recycling. They're just too hot-button. CHRIS: Weren't Emily and Richard paying for Yale? LORELAI: Yes, they were. CHRIS: Something going on there? LORELAI: Everything's fine. CHRIS: Why'd she take time off? What happened there? LORELAI: It's - it's a long story. Listen, Chris, just so we're clear - CHRIS: We're clear. I'm providing. That's it. I'm just doing what I should have done years ago. LORELAI: Good. CHRIS: And it will remain good. Honest. LORELAI [satisfied]: Okay. CHRIS [reluctantly]: So how long have you been engaged? LORELAI [sighs]: Who told you? CHRIS [laughing]: Your finger. LORELAI: Oh. [She looks down at the ring.] Blabbermouth. CHRIS: It's a good thing. I want you happy, I always have. LORELAI: I know, thank you. CHRIS: But, this isn't going to be a weird thing with you and him, is it? My paying for Yale. LORELAI: No, it's not going to be. CHRIS: Well, cool. You're getting a Rolls for a wedding present, you know. LORELAI: Cool, I should register for a driver to go with it. CHRIS: Well, yeah, they're too big to drive by yourself. LORELAI: No, God, you've got to have somebody drive you. LUKE'S DINER [Luke show some customers out.] LUKE: Bye, now. Have a nice - [Hearing a crash in the kitchen.] - Thanksgiving. Huh? [He goes to the kitchen see what happened. Liz comes out with a tray of burnt food.] LIZ: My rolls exploded! LUKE: What do you mean, they exploded? LIZ: They turned black and they exploded! LUKE: Well, clean them up. I'm not going to - LIZ: My turkey! [She puts the tray down to run upstairs.] LUKE: Liz? [Luke follows after her.] LUKE'S APARTMENT [Liz enters the apartment with Luke right behind.] LIZ: Oh, boy, oh, boy! LUKE [looking at the mess]: It's like Motley Crue's been here. LIZ [looks in to the oven]: Good, that red button thingy hasn't popped up yet. LUKE: Look, you're way over-cooking your stuffing, here. [He turns down the burner.] LIZ: Hey, how do you turn on your oven light? Never mind, I'll check my Martha. LUKE: How to turn on my oven light is not going to be in your Martha Stewart book. LIZ [sits down and opens her cook book]: Hey, that red pop-up thingy. Are turkeys born with that or is that something they put in? LUKE: I don't know, why don't you ask Martha? LIZ: Oh, she knows. She knows everything. LUKE [looks into a pot]: Hey, you're going to have to get some canned cranberry sauce. Your homemade - well, it's not red. It should be red. LIZ: I know, I don't know how that happened. LUKE: Well, everything seems kind of under control here. LIZ: Thanks, Luke. I'm so sorry, TJ thought the microwave was working but I guess not. LUKE [nodding]: It's okay. [He stares at the floor for a minute, then takes a deep breath and looks at Liz.] Liz - LIZ: Look at Martha's hands! They're so white! LUKE [seriously]: Liz, you got a minute? LIZ: Yeah, big brother, I got a minute. [She closes the book as he sits down at the table.] LUKE [sighs as he presses his hands to his mouth]: Um, this is hard, I - I feel like this giant weight's been sitting on me, I just - I just need someone to talk to. LIZ [frowns, then shrugs]: Well, then talk. LUKE: I've got a kid. LIZ [shocked, but happy]: A kid? You've got a kid? LUKE: A girl. A little girl. She's twelve. I am her father. LIZ: Oh, boy, oh boy! LUKE: She came to the diner out of the blue and she was testing to see who her father was. Not for money or anything, it was for this science fair she was in. She's smart. LIZ [cheerfully]: Oh, boy, oh, boy! LUKE: So I went down to the fair and there she was. You know, and there I was. My picture, the DNA test. [laughing nervously.] She's mine. LIZ: Twelve, huh? LUKE: Twelve. LIZ: That's Anna Nardini, isn't it? LUKE [stunned]: How'd you know? LIZ: Luke, you're not Warren Beatty. I mean, you could have been, girls like you, but you're a serial monogamist. That's why you're you. I remember Anna, I liked her! LUKE: I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused. LIZ: Well, what did Lorelai say? [Luke looks down.] You haven't told her. LUKE: We're engaged, we're on track here, her and me. And Rory's back, so that's settled now. We're in a good place! You know, this could wreck it. LIZ: It won't wreck it. Not unless you let it. LUKE: She's been out there twelve years, this little girl! LIZ: What does Anna want from you? LUKE: That's the thing. Nothing. She hasn't contacted me. I mean, why hasn't she? She could have called me. What? Does she think I'd be a deadbeat? LIZ: Oh! No one would think that. LUKE: April doesn't want anything either. That's her name. April. You know, it's all just very scientific with her. I couldn't even get her to go for ice cream with me. LIZ: Whoa. [thinking] Did you offer cake? LUKE [puzzled]: No. LIZ: Maybe she wanted cake. Or pie. You offer pie? LUKE: No. LIZ: Maybe she wanted pie. Or fudge. LUKE: It's not about what I offered her, Liz. She didn't have any interest. You know, that's the thing. Why should I feel burdened? I mean, they're not reaching out. Neither one of them. So why should I? LIZ [shaks her head]: I don't know - LUKE: I mean, the girl's got her life. She seems very adjusted, a little weird, but thriving. Anna's got her life, I've got my life, you know. I shouldn't worry about this. I mean, why should I? There's no reason to. LIZ: I guess not. LUKE: Good. Good. [He sighs and is relieved.] I'm not going to worry. I'm going to let it go. [smiles.] Yeah, this has been good. Thanks for listening, Liz. I feel better. [Liz nods.] Well, you should get back to your food, there. This is settled. LIZ: Okay. LUKE: All right. There's your Martha. [He pushes the cook book to her.] LIZ: Thanks. [Luke gets up and leaves, pats Liz on the head as he goes by. Liz watches Luke leave the room.] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Sookie is happy as she gets a third turkey out of the oven and puts in on the counter with other two.] LORELAI [entering]: Everyone's here, everyone's hungry! SOOKIE: Perfect timing, 'cause Tree, Chuck and Bob here are ready to be consumed. LORELAI: Please, don't name the food we eat. SOOKIE: Sorry. LORELAI: So are you ready to carve? [She picks up a fork and pokes 'Chuck'.] SOOKIE: We're ready to carve. I could use some help, though. Maybe send Luke in. [She slaps Lorelai's on the hand.] LORELAI: He loves to carve. SOOKIE: There's enough food, right? Did I make enough food? LORELAI: There's plenty, even considering the extra guests. SOOKIE: Good. Go tell them it'll be five minutes. LORELAI: Will do. DINING ROOM [Luke and Rory are at the table next to one another. Stu from the Renaissance Faire is next to Luke and is playing a stabling game with a knife and his fingers, There is a cheer at the table when he finishes] LIZ: Huzzah! You're so good at that, Stu! Really. Too bad you didn't put all that effort into something you can make money at. STU: Thanks, Liz. [To Luke] So, when are you coming back out on the Renaissance Faire circuit with us, Luke? LUKE: I think sometime after I'm drugged and lobotomized. [Everyone laughs.] STU: You're the funniest, smartest guy I know, Luke. LIZ: I'm calling him Yakov from now on. LUKE [to Rory]: Please don't judge me by this. RORY: I won't. Yakov. LORELAI [entering]: We're just minutes away from eating, everybody! LIZ: Oh, I can't wait to see this meal! My dinner didn't turn out like Martha's picture. Who knew a turkey could melt like that? I didn't. LORELAI [to Rory and Luke]: Hey, guys, when'd you sneak in? LUKE: Oh, just a couple minutes ago. LORELAI: How'd you like to carve for us? LUKE: I'll carve if you want. LORELAI: Bless you. Um, let me talk to you over here for a second first. LUKE: Oh, okay. [They go in to the next room.] LORELAI: So. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: Um. That Christopher call from before, the famous one? LUKE: The infamous one. LORELAI: Oh, you remember that? LUKE: I remember it. LORELAI: Well, I never filled you in on the content. He said he wanted to talk and he said it was important, so I met up with him. LUKE: Oh, yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. He's come into a lot of money, family money. And he offered Rory and me lots of things we didn't want or need, but Rory took him up on his offer to pay for Yale. It was her idea and I support it. That's it. So he's going to be financing her tuition this year and next year and, um, we got together today at a diner to finalize it, and that's it. LUKE [shrugs]: I think that's great. LORELAI: Really? LUKE: Yes. I think that's absolutely great. LORELAI: You heard the part about how I got together with Christopher? LUKE: Absolutely. You had to, to talk about this. He's her dad. He's her dad. If he's got something, he should be sharing it, good for him. He's been gone most of the time, so he owes you. I'm glad he's doing it. He's doing what a dad is supposed to do. He's taking care of his kid. Good. Good. LORELAI: Yeah, good. So you're good with this. LUKE: I am. LORELAI: And so we're good. LUKE: We're great. LORELAI: Thank you for understanding. [They kiss.] LUKE: I'm going to go carve. LORELAI: Okay. DINING ROOM [Liz walks by the table and see Rory.] LIZ: Oh, Rory, have you met Freddy? He has no thumbs. RORY: No, I haven't. Hi, Freddy. [She goes to shake his.] FREDDY: Hi! [As he extends his hand Rory's phone rings. She looks at his hand with no thumb.] RORY: Excuse me. [She goes into the library and answers her phone.] Hello? HONOR: Rory, hi! It's Honor Huntzberger. RORY: Oh, hi, Honor. How are you doing? [The scene cuts between Rory and Honor who is outdoors and pacing back and forth, smoking and with a drink in her hand.] HONOR: I've been exiled. My parent's house is eleven thousand square feet and smoking is banned from every nook and cranny of it. Only because Mom stopped smoking again. So, here I am, freezing my ass off. RORY: Bummer. HONOR: So, I thought I'd call and tell you what a drag it is, this thing with you and Logan. RORY: Oh, yeah? HONOR: When Logan said you two broke up, I almost threw a lamp at him. RORY [shocked]: Oh. HONOR [unaware]: Moron. He's his own worst enemy. RORY: He told you that we broke up? HONOR: Well, I was wondering where you were for Thanksgiving, and at first young Seacrest hemmed and hawed, which wasn't sufficient, so he finally told me. Idiot. Him, not you. RORY: Right. HONOR: I'm so sorry. But you and I can still go shopping, you know. Bergdorf's is calling. RORY: Yeah. Sure. HONOR: Good. Well, I have to get back inside before I turn into an ice cube. Are you at least having a nice Thanksgiving? RORY: Yeah. It's really nice. HONOR: I'll be in touch. RORY: Sure. Thanks, Honor. HONOR: Bye. RORY: Bye. [She hangs up the cell phone.] KITCHEN [Sookie's is watching Luke closely as he tries to carve one of the turkeys.] SOOKIE: Okay, that's too thin, too thin! LUKE: I'm just getting started, give me some room. SOOKIE: Okay, that's too thick, too thick, too thick! LUKE: Hang on, Sookie. [Taping the knife on the turkey.] SOOKIE: You're crooked. Crooked. LUKE [handing Sookie the knife]: Okay. SOOKIE: Good idea. [Sookie starts to happily carve the turkey. Luke start to go back to the dining room, but then goes into the pantry. He picks up a phone and dials information.] OPERATOR: Information, listing please? LUKE: Yeah, uh, Nardini? OPERATOR: City? LUKE: Woodbridge. OPERATOR: Please hold. LUKE: Thanks. MACHINE'S VOICE: Press one to be connected to area code - [Luke presses one and the phone start to ring, an answering machine picks up.] APRIL'S VOICE [on the machine]: Hello. You've reached the Nardini residence. We're not home, or else we're too distracted to answer right now, so - [Luke hangs up in a rush, he sighs and looks at the phone for a minute. He leaves and goes back to the dining table and sits down between Liz and Lorelai.] LORELAI: She kick you out? LUKE: What? Who? LORELAI: Sookie. LUKE: Oh, yeah. LORELAI: Predictable. LUKE: Yeah, predictable. [Rory comes from her phone call, not too happy either.] LORELAI: Hey! You okay? RORY [quietly]: Kind of. LORELAI: You sure? RORY [half-smiles at her]: I'm just hungry. SOOKIE [entering]: Dinner is served! [The food starts to come out. Both Rory and Luke looking sad, sit quietly as everyone starts to chatter and eat. Paul Anka's song "Eye of the Tiger" starts to play at the screen fades to black.]
Plan: A: emotional turmoil; Q: What has been going on on Planet Gilmore for months? A: Planet Gilmore.; Q: Where is Thanksgiving celebrated? A: Lorelai; Q: Who does Luke not know how to tell about his daughter? A: Lane's band; Q: What band plays a showcase? Summary: Thanksgiving arrives and, after months of emotional turmoil, all is well on Planet Gilmore. Except for one teeny issue, Luke doesn't know how to tell Lorelai about his daughter. Lane's band plays a showcase.
IMAGE OF THE FENDAHL BY: CHRIS BOUCHER Part Two Running time: 24:44 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, legs. Come on, you can do it. Pull yourself together. Come on now, lift. DOCTOR: Left, right, left. That's it, legs, run! Run! Run! Run! Run! [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: That shot will be your last. MOSS: I didn't know it were you. LEELA: Well you know now. MOSS: You was trespassing. TYLER: So were you, Ted Moss. Now put the gun down, miss. TYLER: I said, put the gun down, miss. LEELA: Kill me, and your friend dies too. MOSS: She's a nutter, she is, Jack. She means it. TYLER: He ain't no friend of mine, so that's a chance I'm prepared to take. The gun, miss. LEELA: You TYLER: Right. Now, perhaps you would explain what you're doing in my gran's cottage. MOSS: She was TYLER: Both of you. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: Thea, what on Earth are you doing? Fendelman will go barmy, barmier if he found you messing. Thea? COLBY: Thea! What's wrong, Thea? COLBY: Thea! COLBY: Thea, wake up! THEA: Adam, what are you doing? COLBY: Come on, come on, let's get out of here. THEA: What are you doing here? COLBY: That scream, it came from the kitchen. THEA: What scream? COLBY: Never mind. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: It's Mitchell. That expression, it's the same as the other one. THEA: There's a blister on the back of the neck. Could be a birth mark, I suppose. COLBY: How can you be so dispassionate? The man's dead, Thea. THEA: Adam. Adam. COLBY: Thea? DOCTOR: Don't touch her. I said don't touch her! DOCTOR: How many deaths have there been? COLBY: Deaths? DOCTOR: Like this. COLBY: Two. Now, look DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, you look. COLBY: What was it? DOCTOR: They look like embryo Fendahleen to me. DOCTOR: Come and sit down. You'll be all right. COLBY: Embryo what? DOCTOR: Embryo Fendahleen. A creature from my own mythology. Supposed to have perished when the fifth planet broke up. At least, so they said. COLBY: A creature from mythology? Do you know what you're talking about? DOCTOR: Well, you saw it. If it survived twelve million years, it's energy reserves must be enormous. COLBY: Twelve million? Why did you say twelve million? DOCTOR: What? Well, about twelve million. That's when the fifth planet broke up. There are four thousand million people here on your planet, and if I'm right, within a year there'll be just one left alive. Just one. COLBY: What are you, exactly? Some sort of wandering Armageddon peddler, hmm? DOCTOR: Who's in charge round here? FENDELMAN: I am. DOCTOR: Ah, Doctor Fendelman, I presume. Is that really your name, Fendelman? Now listen, Fendelman, I want you to do two things. Dismantle the scanner and run some tests on Miss Thea. Start with an x-ray of her skull. Now FENDELMAN: I will give the orders around here. Take him away. Lock him up somewhere. DOCTOR: Is this the way you treat all your houseguests? FENDELMAN: Only the uninvited ones whom I suspect of murder. DOCTOR: But she needs help! FENDELMAN: Take him away! STAEL: It is just the same as before. FENDELMAN: This is a terrible thing. Terrible. COLBY: This time I will call the police. Come along, Thea. FENDELMAN: As you wish, Adam. But how will you explain to them that you did not call them before? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Tell Fendelman there isn't time for all this! [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: That do seem a bit far-fetched. MOSS: Ain't a word of truth in it, that's why. TYLER: You wouldn't recognise the truth if you fell over it. MOSS: Hey LEELA: Why should I lie to you? TYLER: Fear. LEELA: Does it seem to you that I am afraid? MOSS: Well, you ought to be. I said you ought to be. MOSS: Oh, God. LEELA: I must go now. TYLER: Hang on a minute. Er, please. (to Moss) You, on your way. MOSS: I want to see Mother Tyler. TYLER: Well Mrs Tyler don't want to see you. MOSS: Now where is she? TYLER: I don't know. MOSS: She's got something for me and I paid good money for it. TYLER: You'll get your money. Now get out. Out! MOSS: (to Leela) I'll see you later. LEELA: Get some practice first. TYLER: Nasty piece of work. Him and some others from the village, they er. Well, I'm not sure exactly, but the thing is that I think my Gran's involved in whatever it is. Now, she's a good old girl but, well, she was brought up in the old ways, you see. LEELA: The old ways? TYLER: Yeah, the old superstitions and that. See, he called her Mother Tyler. Now that ain't 'cos he likes her. That's, that's the old religion. Look, there's something nasty going on. Do you know what it is? Have you been sent with this Doctor bloke to sort it out? LEELA: Well, the Doctor came to stop the sonic time scan. TYLER: Oh. What's one of them? LEELA: He said it would cause a, a direct continuum ex, implosion. TYLER: Damn, girl, you don't half tell some whoppers, don't you. LEELA: Whoppers? TYLER: Aye. Don't matter. LEELA: Listen. I'm sure the Doctor can help you. Oh, he's very difficult sometimes, but he has great knowledge and gentleness. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: I should have gone to the police right away. THEA: Then why didn't you? COLBY: Thea, I've always been ambitious. That's a weakness in anyone. THEA: Yes, particularly scientists. COLBY: When Fendelman offered me unlimited funds, I jumped at the chance. I owe him a great deal. And when he asked for the body to be moved, it seemed so unimportant. THEA: But now that Mitchell's dead. COLBY: Yes. THEA: Well, then, phone the police. COLBY: The line's disconnected. THEA: Disconnected? COLBY: Yes, as in cut off. THEA: Adam, can't you be serious just for a minute? COLBY: I am serious. The place is surrounded by guards, we're beset by a wandering lunatic and we have a pair of corpses on our hands. And on top of all that, the telephone seems to be very dead. Thea, we're trapped. THEA: It was planned. COLBY: By Fendelman. THEA: No. No, not by Fendelman. He's just part of it, doing what was planned for him. Don't you see? For him. That would fit. That would explain it. COLBY: Explain what? THEA: Adam, you haven't asked me whose plan it is. Why don't you ask me? Go on, ask me who planned it. COLBY: Stop it. Stop it! THEA: I did. Do you understand? I did. COLBY: Now be reasonable, Thea. How could you have? You're as sane as anyone here. Except. Come on. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: You must think my head zips up the back. FENDELMAN: (fondling his revolver) Be reasonable, Colby. Why should I disconnect the telephone? COLBY: For the same reason you've got the place surrounded by thugs. FENDELMAN: And what reason is that? COLBY: Because you're mad, Fendelman. You're mad. FENDELMAN: In that case, you are hardly behaving in a manner conducive to your own safety. I should be humoured, surely. Sit down, Colby. This skull that you found is, I believe, extraterrestrial in origin. COLBY: An alien space traveller? Hence the guards. Next of kin come for the remains? You're expecting an attack by little green men from, er, Venus? FENDELMAN: Don't talk like a fool, Colby! You're not a fool! COLBY: No, I'm not. That skull is human. It's a skull like yours and mine. Modern man. Homo sapiens! FENDELMAN: Exactly. It is also twelve million years old. Millions of years older than the earliest of man's known ancestors. COLBY: You think we're all aliens? [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: Let's go, then. Find this Doctor of yours. Perhaps he can sort it out and make some sense of it all. If he's half as clever as you say LEELA: Shush. TYLER: Yeah, if he's half as clever as you say he is, he ought to be able to sort it out. [SCENE_BREAK] STAEL (OOV.): You should not have come here. MOSS (OOV.): Well, I had to warn you. STAEL (OOV.): There are security guards now. [SCENE_BREAK] MOSS: City boys. I know how to get past them. STAEL: It was a stupid risk. Fendelman is already suspicious and uneasy. Why do you think he sent for the guards? MOSS: I had to warn you about the Doctor. STAEL: What doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] MOSS (OOV.): Well, there's this bloke calls himself a doctor. Tall, curly hair. He's got a girl working with him. And I told him where to find this place. Well, I didn't realise. I tried to stop him after. They know all about us. [SCENE_BREAK] MOSS: 'Tis true. They're investigators. They come to investigate. STAEL: I will deal with them. Now go, quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] STAEL: Are all our friends prepared? MOSS: They're waiting for the word. STAEL: When the time comes, we must be twelve. MOSS: We know you lead the coven now, but we know the old ways. Thirteen be the number. STAEL: A place must be left for the one who kills. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: Circumstantial. It's all circumstantial. FENDELMAN: It is the only logical explanation, Adam. Man did not evolve on Earth, of this I am sure. There is something else that I have not told you. With the scanner, I have traced what I now believe to be the moment of death of this alien traveller. At that moment, there is an enormous surge of power the like of which I have not seen before. It was this that first attracted my attention. It is an inpouring of energy. A concentration of power as though to store. Now I ask myself, where would this power be stored? And why? These questions I could not answer until I had x-rayed the skull. COLBY: You x-rayed the skull? When? FENDELMAN: Stael and I have been doing experiments in secret for some time. COLBY: Thank you. FENDELMAN: No, no, no, you are right. But from the beginning I had the feeling that this was so important that it must be kept secret. And now we have these murders and this mysterious intruder. COLBY: He said something about x-rays. THEA: Will you excuse me? COLBY: Oh, I'm sorry, Thea. Are you still feeling ill? THEA: No, it's all right. I'm just a little tired. I think I'll go and lie down. FENDELMAN: You are looking very pale, my dear. Perhaps you have been working too hard. I will ask Stael to look in on you later. FENDELMAN: There is no doubt that this intruder has been spying on us. COLBY: Yes. Well, after the x-rays, what did you find? FENDELMAN: I will show you. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: Gran, can you hear me? LEELA: Drink this, old woman. It will warm you. TYLER: What happened, Gran? LEELA: Do not ask her that. It's because she does not want to remember that she is like this. You are safe now. You are safe. Nothing can hurt you. I will let nothing hurt you. MARTHA: I, I seen it. In my mind. Dark. Great dark. It called me. In my mind it called me. Hungry. It were hungry for my soul. TYLER: What's it mean? MARTHA: Everything. There'll be nothing left. LEELA: The Doctor will know. MARTHA: No life left. Help me! Help us! LEELA: I must find the Doctor. Stay with her! MARTHA: It were hungry for my soul. [SCENE_BREAK] FENDELMAN: There. Do you see it? COLBY: It looks like a pentagram. It's the way the fragments have been assembled. FENDELMAN: No. It is part of the bone structure itself. I believe it to be a form of neural relay, and this is where the energy is stored. It is interesting, is it not, that for as long as man can remember, the pentagram has been a symbol for mystical energy and power. COLBY: All right, let's assume that's the how. You're still left with why. FENDELMAN: A beacon. COLBY: What? FENDELMAN: Suppose the energy is still within this neural circuit and can only be released by the intelligent application of applied advanced technology. COLBY: You mean the release of that energy would act as a signal that there was intelligent life on this planet? FENDELMAN: And at last, mankind would meet its COLBY: Next of kin? FENDELMAN: Destiny, Adam. Its destiny. [SCENE_BREAK] THEA: Hello? Are you there? Please, I need help. [SCENE_BREAK] STAEL: Thea. THEA: Max! You frightened me. Do you have to creep about like that? STAEL: I apologise. What are you doing here, Thea? THEA: I was, I was looking for the stranger. Do you know where he is? STAEL: It is not important. THEA: Well it is to me. I must find him. I think he can help me. STAEL: Why should you need help, Thea? Anyway, the stranger has escaped. He can do nothing. It is too late. Too late for all the meddling fools. THEA: What are you talking about, Max? Get out of my way. STAEL: There's no need to be afraid of me, Thea. THEA: Please, Max! STAEL: It is fitting that you should be the key to my power. THEA: Max, don't be such a fool. STAEL: The chosen one. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ah. Parastatic magnetometer. How very quaint. DOCTOR: Hmm. Twelfth century. DOCTOR: Oh. Oh. Would you like a jelly baby? No, I don't suppose you would. Alas, poor skull.
Plan: A: the ancient skull; Q: What do the archaeologists explore every time? A: one; Q: How many of the archaeologists are particularly affected by the ancient skull? Summary: Every time the archaeologists explore the ancient skull, something deadly hunts and haunts the wood while one of the researchers is particularly affected.
Kelly: Here you go. Michael: Nice dress, Ryan. Kelly: It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Michael: [laughing] OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: You look so handsome. Pam: Really you do. I love the material. Kelly: I know. Michael: How come you didn't get me one? Kelly: I... [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people. Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired. Meredith: Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 's*x and the City' at my place? Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends. Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know. Dwight: Maybe you've got mono. Pam: Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with. Kelly: Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right? Dwight: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight? Roy: I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going? Kevin: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going? Angela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Michael: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Michael: Wha? Really? You should! It's fun. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on. Kelly: Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um... Michael: Kelly? Kelly: Sparkles... Michael: Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday. Kelly: Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think. Angela: How many gods do you have? Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that. Angela: [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story? Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down. Dwight: Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil... Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: Nice basket. Jim: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... ' Dwight: I see dead people. Michael: Okay. Spoiler... alert. Dwight: He was dead the whole time. Michael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from? [SCENE_BREAK] Tony: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms. Karen: Oh. Did you shake it? Tony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Jim: 'Scuse me? Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane. Jim: Wow. Andy: From 'Cheers'. Jim: Yup. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And another thing about the Indian people... they love s*x positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before? Creed: I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'. Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it. Kevin: This is the best meeting we've ever had. Michael: Thank you, Kevin. Angela: I find this incredibly offensive. Michael: Well, I find it beautiful. Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it. Michael: No... Toby: Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these. Michael: No, You're not going to collect them. Toby: Yes. Michael: No. This is delightful, charming culture. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just s*x. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner. Karen: Thanks. Josh: And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time. Karen: Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: You guys ready to party? Jim: What's that? Andy: I said are you ready TO PARTY! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes? Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Kevin: Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you. [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party! Michael: [points at woman] What does that look like to you? Carol: An Indian woman in a sari. Michael: No one's even going to notice. Kevin: Nice outfit. Michael: Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions... Angela: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat? Server: It's all vegetarian. Angela: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, yuck. [spits out food] Carol: What? Too spicy? Michael: No. These s'mores are disgusting. Carol: They're not s'mores. They're samosas. Michael: Do you think they have any s'mores? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been? [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh? Girls: [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi] Ryan: What? Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys. Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff. Kelly: Don't even listen to them. They're so... Ryan: No, you don't... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Very official. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut! [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at! Kelly's Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome. Kelly: Uh... excuse me. I want to get a... Kelly's Mom: He's a perfect match. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready? Jim: Yep. Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim: Oh, Holy Mother of God. Andy: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um... Jim: Good. Karen: Ooh. [SCENE_BREAK] Overhead: [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night? Kelly's Father: Yes. Michael: Wow. Kelly's Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader? Michael: Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet! Kelly's Mom: She is very fair. Michael: She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: Are you okay? Michael: I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband. Crowd: Awww! Carol: Oh, Michael. Michael: What do you say? Carol: Can we talk about this in private? Michael: I didn't hear you. [laughs] Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private? Michael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic... Carol: This is the ninth date, Michael. Michael: Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much. Carol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right? Michael: Yes. Carol: Okay. Michael: Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra. Carol: Okay, good night, Michael. Michael: All right. Good night. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive. Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money... Ryan: Yes. Kelly's Mom: ...to start a family and home. Ryan: Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox. Kelly's Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Young Man: Is it? He's really outgoing, huh? Pam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's hot in there. How's the naan? Angela: Dry. You look like you were having fun. Pam: I am. You should come dance with us. Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting? Pam: No one. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children... Karen: Andy, no acappella. Andy: [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain. Andy and Jim: [sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line Andy: Wait, wait. Andy and Jim: [sing] the less I seek my source... Karen: Oh, come on, guys. Please. Andy and Jim: [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to.. Karen: It's not good. Andy and Jim: [sing] fi-i-i-ine! Andy: TUNA! Are you kidding me!! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow. Pam: Here. [hands drink] Michael: That's so spicy. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Oh. You waiting for a call? Pam: Uh... no. Michael: Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements. Pam: Well, you were never really engaged. Michael: I was in that marriage arena, though. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Yeah. Uuuuh... well. Pam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. Michael: We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her] Pam: What are you doing? Michael: What are you doing? Pam: I'm rejecting your... Michael: I'm... what? I didn't Pam: ...kiss. Michael: [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home? Pam: If you sit in the back. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: Goodnight, guys. Jim: Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike. Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh. Karen: Hey dummy, get in the car! Jim: I'm a drunk driver. Karen: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car. Jim: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli. Karen: Yeah, you can't. Jim: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right. Karen: Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay? Jim: So good. Karen: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'. Pam: You say one more word; I'm stopping the car. Michael: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali! Crowd: [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling]
Plan: A: Kelly; Q: Who invites the entire staff to a celebration of Diwali? A: Light; Q: What is Diwali the Hindu Festival of? A: Kelly's parents; Q: Who does Michael talk to about Hindu marriage customs? A: Carole; Q: Who does Michael propose to at the festival? A: Stamford; Q: Where do Jim, Andy, and Karen stay late to do sales figures? A: Karen; Q: Who drives Jim home after he gets drunk? A: the time; Q: What do Andy and Jim do shots to pass? Summary: Kelly invites the entire staff to a celebration of Diwali , the Hindu Festival of Light. At the festival, Michael is inspired by his conversation with Kelly's parents over Hindu marriage customs, and makes an impromptu proposal to his girlfriend Carole. Carole says no, and leaves without Michael. In Stamford, Jim, Andy, and Karen stay late to do sales figures. Andy and Jim do shots to pass the time, which leads Karen to have to drive a drunk Jim home.
SCENE: Minneapolis. 1989. Movie Theater showing "The Sword in the Stone" animated Disney movie. [SCENE_BREAK] [A young Emma is escorted with her foster siblings into the theater.] Woman: Okay, come on. Everybody stick together. [Indistinct conversations] Arthur: Archimedes, look. Merlin, look, I'm a squire! Archimedes: Oh, uh, very nice, boy. Yes, indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots. A stooge for that big lug Kay. It's what all the squires wear. And I thought you were going to amount to something. I thought you had a few brains. [Emma steals a candy bar from someone's pocket.] Attendant: Don't. Young Emma: What? Attendant: Don't. Young Emma: I'm sorry. Attendant: I wasn't talking about the candy bar, Emma. Young Emma: How do you know my name? Attendant: I know many things. And I'm here to tell you, don't do it. Young Emma: I don't understand. Attendant: When you do something that you're not supposed to do, even if you do it for the right reasons, bad things will happen, Emma. Bad things. [The theater screen shows an animated young Arthur pulling Excalibur out of the stone.] Attendant: One day, you will have the opportunity to remove Excalibur from its stone, but you must not. Leave the sword alone. Girl: Shh! [Emma turns back and the Attendant is gone.] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] [Arthur, Lancelot, and Percival race on horses through the forest to the shore.] King Arthur: Is this the place, Lancelot? Lancelot: Have faith, Arthur. Merlin's prophecy was quite clear. This is it. King Arthur: The prophecy isn't what I'm worried about. Someone beat us here. [They draw swords and approach the sword in the stone.] Kay: You're too late. King Arthur: Sir Kay, do not give into dark temptations. That sword is not yours to take. Kay: Why not? Because of some prophecy from some old wizard? So I should accept you as my king? No thank you. I just need to take what I want, and then I shall be the greatest king in all the realms. [Kay moves to take the sword from the stone. It does not budge, and he explodes into a dust cloud.] Lancelot: Your turn. King Arthur: I suppose it is. [Arthur removes the sword from the stone easily. However, the curvy tip of the sword has already been broken off.] Lancelot: Where's the rest of it? King Arthur: This is all there is. Percival: How can you take the throne with half the sword? What will you tell the people? King Arthur: Nothing. All they need know is they have a king. In the meantime, we have a new quest to begin. We must make Excalibur whole! [Camera pans down Excalibur, revealing that the sword tip is decorated with the same metal filigree as the dark one dagger.] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Main Street. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: How could she be so stupid? David: Regina! Regina: Well, there had to be another way. Mary Margaret: There wasn't. That thing was going to kill you. She saved your life. Regina: Don't you think I know that? Henry: And now she's the... Dark One. Regina: Now she's a problem for all of us. Mary Margaret: She is still good. Regina: I hope so. It's not like she rode off on a unicorn. She got sucked up by a vortex of evil! Robin Hood: Where is she? Where's she gone? Hook: It doesn't bloody well matter. [Hook approaches the dagger, and Robin Hood grabs his arm.] Robin Hood: Mate, don't. Hook: Get out of my way. Hook: If I can't find her, I can damn well bring her to me. Dark One, with this dagger I command thee: Return! [Emma fails to appear. Hook looks at Henry.] Hook: Dark One, appear! Regina: Put that thing down before you hurt yourself, Guyliner. I thought you knew the dagger's rules? Hook: With it, I can summon the Dark One from any corner of the world. Regina: Well, there's your answer. She's not in this world. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. A black blob forms from a ring in the ground, and the ooze falls away to reveal Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Where am I? [whistling] Emma: Who's there? [Emma turns to see Rumplestiltskin behind her.] Emma: You're supposed to be in Storybrooke. You were in a coma. Rumplestiltskin: Yes, I am. Or rather, he is. Emma: What are you? Rumplestiltskin: I'm many things. I'm the voice in your head, the Dark One's powers inside you, inside all the Dark Ones. Rumplestiltskin is but one of many. Perhaps I can be another. How about Gorgon the Invincible? [Rumplestiltskin turns into a fire-breathing giant boar.] Rumplestiltskin: Yes, probably easier this way. Now, are you ready to begin? Emma: Begin what? Rumplestiltskin: Well, learning to be the Dark One, of course. Think of me as your guide, but only until you've learned to embrace your powers. Emma: I will never embrace the darkness. Rumplestiltskin: Ah, they all say that. Everyone who steps from this well enjoys the taste too much. The only way to stop is to be stopped. This is the fate of all Dark Ones. [Emma turns from Rumplestiltskin] Rumplestiltskin: You can't just walk away from it. Emma: I'm in the Enchanted Forest now, which means Merlin can't be far from here, and the Apprentice told me he can destroy the darkness, so I'm going to find him. Rumplestiltskin: Merlin?! Oh, you're much better off with me. Emma: No! I'll never be like all of you! I'll never hurt the people I love, the people who love me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Apprentice. That monstrosity took Emma. Where did they go? Apprentice: She is now where all darkness is born. In your realm. Hook: Then take us there. Apprentice: I am too weak now, but this will help. [He conjures a green wand with a knobby brown nut on the end.] Apprentice: It is a gift from the sorcerer, from Merlin, on the day I became his apprentice. In it is all the light magic. Mary Margaret: It can take us to our daughter? Apprentice: Not on its own. In order to cross realms, it must be wielded as it was forged, with both sides of the coin. Light and the dark. [Apprentice closes his eyes and drops the wand.] Regina: I guess that's my cue. [Regina waves the wand overhead, but nothing happens.] Hook: Enough! You're going to embarrass yourself and waste our time. Regina: Watch it! I know what I'm doing. Hook: Well that's not enough. You heard the man, it needs darkness. You've gone soft. Regina: You wanna see soft? Why don't I use that hook to show you your intestines? Hook: Oh, you've got the fire love, but not the blackness, not anymore. How's this for irony? You've done too much good. No, we need someone wicked. Regina: No. No. No. Not my sister. That witch is more than wicked, she's deranged. Hook: For Emma, it's worth the risk. She sacrificed herself for you, Your Majesty, because she believed that an evil queen could be good. Don't you think you owe it to her to repay the favor? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] [Emma comes upon a peddler with a cart.] Emma: Hey! Excuse me! I need help! I need directions to Camelot. Do you know the way? Peddler: Of course! I will only cost you... two pieces of silver. Emma: I, uh, don't have any silver. Peddler: Three pieces now. Emma: I'm in a hurry. Peddler: Four. Emma: Just tell me! [The peddler begins to choke and is lifted off the ground.] Peddler: What are you doing? Emma: I'm not doing anything. Rumplestiltskin: Well, of course you are. [Emma looks at Rumplestiltskin's hand, which is gripping the air.] Emma: Stop. Rumplestiltskin: It's not me doing this, Dearie. Tis you. [Emma looks down to see her own hand gripping the air. She releases the peddler, who runs away.] Rumplestiltskin: So, did you enjoy it? Your first taste of darkness? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] [Belle stokes Mr. Gold's forehead, who is unconscious.] Blue Fairy: Belle. You should go and help them with Emma. You're resourceful. They could use you, even if they don't know it yet. Belle: If he goes, I want to be here with him. [The Blue Fairy uses her wand to conjure a rose under a glass jar.] Blue Fairy: This rose is now linked to your Beast, Belle. As long as it still has petals, he lives. Now go. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Zelena's cell. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Regina dear, I'm trying to meditate. It's good for the baby. Please go, you're ruining my Chi. Hook: We need your help. [Zelena laughs.] Zelena: Wow. You must be really desperate. [Zelena approaches Robin.] Zelena: Unless of course, someone was just looking for an excuse to come see me? Regina: Careful. Zelena: What is it then? Robin Hood: Something's happened to Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Leave me alone, I don't need you. Rumplestiltskin: That maple tree ahead, we've passed it three times already. You're going around in circles, Dearie. Now I can help you, if you let me. Emma: I'm not using dark magic. Rumplestiltskin: I didn't say it was going to use magic. If you want to find Merlin, just ask, and find him you shall. Emma: Fine. How do I find Merlin? Rumplestiltskin: I'm glad you asked. There's a magical force that can lead you to where ever you need to be. Now if you'll allow me, I can show you where to find it. Emma: I'm listening. Rumplestiltskin: Excellent. Imagine a mirrored lake. A tall tree with low-hanging branches that loom over it. Above it, a beautiful blue sky. Now picture it in your mind's eye. Picture it clearly. Emma: All right. I'm picturing it. [Emma finds herself beside a creek.] Emma: What the? I said don't use magic! Rumplestiltskin: I didn't, Dearie. You did. Congratulations on your first magical transportation. Emma: You tricked me. Rumplestiltskin: Of course I did! I'm a Dark One! Emma: Go away. Rumplestiltskin: Ugggh. I don't think you want that. Look. [Rumplestiltskin points to a blue floating creature.] Rumplestiltskin: The will-o-wisp. Now if you want to find Merlin, better catch it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Zelena's cell. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Well, that is quite a mess. Robin Hood: Help us. We can rid the world of this darkness once and for all. Don't you want that for our child? Zelena: My child. And mine alone. I'm doing all the work. You were just an unwilling pawn in its creation. Robin Hood: Quite unwilling. Zelena: If it makes you feel any better, I didn't enjoy it. [She turns to Regina.] Zelena: You know, I'm not sure what you see in him. Regina: Zelena, you can still deliver a baby without your tongue. Hook: Enough of the family squabbling. Are you going to help us find Emma or not? Zelena: Of course. Regina: What? Zelena: Well, pregnancy's changed me, Dear. I'm going to do whatever I can to free Emma of the darkness. Just let me see that wand. [Regina looks suspicious.] Zelena: Don't worry, this little love brace that you put on me neutralizes my magic. I am powerless. [Regina hands her the wand.] Zelena: Oh yes, so simple. You simply need an object that guides the portal to its destination. Something that belonged to Emma. Something meaningful to her. Regina: Fine. That we can do. Zelena: No, you can't. Your magic isn't powerful enough. Hook: Can you make it work? Zelena: I believe so. There's just a tiny something standing in my way. [Zelena holds up her arm with the magic-neutralizing brace on it.] Regina: Never. [Regina and Robin walk out. Hook stays behind.] Zelena: Well, she really holds a grudge, doesn't she. You know, you should talk to her, because I may be your only way to find Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] [Emma chases the will-o-wisp, but a hooded woman grabs it and stuffs it in her bag.] Emma: Hey! Hey, I need that! Stop! [The hooded woman is grabbed by dark magic and flung backwards on the ground.] Merida: Back off, lassie. My aim is true. Don't test me. Emma: I wasn't trying to hurt you. Merida: So that was just a wee magical love tap? Oh, I've met my share of witches, and I know 'em when I see 'em. Witch. Emma: No, I'm not a witch. I was just cursed with dark magic. Merida: And the difference is? Emma: I want to be rid of it. The will-o-wisp is the only way. Merida: You want to be rid of it? Emma: Desperately. Merida: Aye. I know what that's like. It's a terrible fate to be cursed. Just be glad you're not a bear. [Emma looks confused.] Merida: Oh, nevermind. Look, I wish I could help ya, but I need the wisp too, for my kingdom, for my family. So... I'm afraid you're gonna ha' to fight me for it. [Merida drops her bow and raises both fists.] Emma: What? Merida: I'm willing to fight fair if you are. No magic. Rumplestiltskin: I like her spunk. Break her neck. Emma: I'm not going to fight you. Merida: You're not? Rumplestiltskin: Well, why not? Emma: Magic or no, fighting is giving into the darkness, and I don't do it. Go on, take it, and get on your way. It's yours. Merida: Don't be trying to sucker punch me. Emma: I'm not going to. Just go. [Merida lowers her fists.] Merida: Thank you. I'm Merida. Emma: Emma. Merida: You're in dire straights, aren't ya Emma? Emma: You could say that. Merida: Well, it wouldn't be fair to leave ya. I can help. Emma: I don't think so. Merida: Well, maybe I can. You don't know much about the wisp, eh? They're born in a magical place. The Hill of Stones. They answer your question when you bring them back home. It's about a day's trek from here. We can go together, and I can get my help from the wisp, and then maybe I can give it to you and you can get yours. [Emma smiles, and Merida tromps off.] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Henry. You can fix this. You're the Author now. Use that pen, and write the darkness out of Emma. Bring her back. Henry: I broke it. Hook: You what? Henry: It's too much power. That's how the last Author got in trouble. He stopped recording history and started using magic to change it. My mom wouldn't want me to. She'd want me to be good. Hook: Ah, honor. She wouldn't want you to break any rules, then? [Hook gives Henry a sly look.] Hook: What if there was a way, a dangerous way, to help your mother? Something your other mother wouldn't like? Henry: I don't need her permission. I'm not a kid anymore. Hook: Good, because our best bet is the person Regina hates the most. Henry: Zelena. Hook: That's right. We're going to break out the Wicked Witch. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: You ever hear the phrase, "Slow and steady wins the race?" Merida: I don't have time for slow. Emma: What exactly is your hurry? Why do you need the wisp? Merida: My brothers. They were kidnapped by the united clans of my country. Just three wee innocent boys. Savages. Because of me. My father is--was--the king. When he passed, the clans no longer approved of me being queen. In my land, people, well, men, don't think a woman can lead. Emma: Oh, not just in your land. Merida: But I'm going to show them. I need the wisp to take me to my brothers, and when it does, I will save them, no matter what the cost. If it's war the clans want, it's war they'll get. [Merida turns to look at Emma and trips over a rock.] Merida: Ah! Emma: You won't do your brothers any good passed out from exhaustion. When's the last time you slept? Merida: What month is it? [Emma looks at her.] Merida: Fine. We can make camp. But just until first light. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Forest at night. [SCENE_BREAK] [Emma stares out into the darkness. She turns over on her other side.] Rumplestiltskin: Can't sleep? [Emma gasps] Rumplestiltskin: Don't worry. Dark Ones don't need sleep. That's why I spun straw, to pass the time. You need a hobby. Something to take your mind off all the terrible things you're going to do. Do you like knitting? Emma: In case you haven't noticed, I'm doing good here. I'm helping Merida, and then when she's done with the wisp, it will be my turn. Rumplestiltskin: The wisp isn't a toy you can share. She can't just give it to you. The person who whispers to it becomes its owner. Forever. Emma: So if I let her use it, I can never use it? Rumplestiltskin: Not while her heart beats. Emma: You want me to take it for myself? Rumplestiltskin: I want to you start behaving like a Dark One. Emma: You knew this would happen. That's why you lead me to her. You wanted me to betray Merida. [Camera pans to Merida, who is awake and listening.] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Hospital basement where Zelena's cell is. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Well done, lad. How'd you know the code? Henry: My mom's good with magic. Not so much with passwords. She uses my birthday for everything. You'd think she'd change it after a bank statement or two? Hook: So what's the plan now? How do we get to her? The old Wookie prisoner gag? Henry: Nah. I never use the same trick twice. I've got another idea. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Hospital basement where Zelena's cell is. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: Hey Miss Gertrude, is my mom here? [Henry stumbles and spills his drink all over her.] Henry: Oh! Severe Nurse: Henry! Henry: Oh! Um... Severe Nurse: You! With the mop! A little help. Henry: I'm-- I'm-- I'm so sorry. [Hook sneaks through the door, winks at the person with the mop, and grabs the key with his hook.] Henry: It was an accident. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Zelena's cell. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: What do you want? Hook: I want your help with the wand. Zelena: Ah! So this is a rogue mission? I like it. [Zelena gestures to her arm with the magic-neutralizing band on it.] Zelena: Go on then, take it off. Hook: Well, I'm going to need some assurances first, that you're not going to do anything... unexpected. Zelena: On my unborn child's life. Hook: Afraid I'm going to need some real assurance. Zelena: What's that? Hook: This is a potion your sister gave me a long time ago. Zelena: To do what? Hook: To rip out a heart. [Hook pours the potion over his hook.] Zelena: Why would she give you that? Hook: Because she wanted me to take your mother's heart. You can't be surprised your family's troubled. Now then, this is probably going to sting. [Hook attempts to take her heart and is blown back by a magical force.] Hook: Ah! [Zelena laughs.] Zelena: My family may be troubled dearie, but we all know that a heart is a precious thing, and I cast a protection spell on mine eons ago. So you're going to have to do better than that. [Zelena moves over to examine Hook, who is trying to get off the floor.] Zelena: Oh, it appears you were right. It did sting. Now then, do you want to see something really painful? [Zelena takes his knife and cuts off her own hand to remove the bracelet. She magics it back into place once it's off.] Zelena: There. Much better. You should have listened to my sister. [Zelena disappears in a cloud of green smoke.] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Mayor's office. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: You let her out? Hook: Technically, I let her escape. Regina: Moron. Hook: Watch it, Your Majesty. At least I'm doing something to save Emma. Regina: What's that supposed to mean? Hook: Well, maybe you like being with Henry alone. [Belle rolls her eyes.] Hook: Maybe you like not having Emma around? Regina: Maybe you having a hook? Maybe you'd like another? Mary Margaret: Enough! Zelena's out, that is what matters, but not as much as Emma. Emma kept us united, and that is exactly how we are going to remain. Come hell or high water, we are going to put our nonsense aside, and find my daughter. Ok? Ok. Where would Zelena go first? Regina: I know exactly where. Or more accurately, who she's after. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Mary Margaret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Robin! Robin Hood: Shh! I finally got him to sleep. Regina: I'm sorry. I was just worried. Robin Hood: Why? What's wrong? Regina: Zelena. She got out. Come on. We have to get Roland and go. The others are waiting. [Robin gives Regina a look.] Regina: What? Robin Hood: No, I just... I like when you're concerned about me. [He kisses her, then recoils.] Robin Hood: Zelena? [Zelena drops the Regina disguise.] Zelena: Well done. You really do love her, don't you? Funny that you couldn't tell when I was glamored as Marian though. Robin Hood: What do you want? Zelena: Why you, Dear. See, you're the key to everything for me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Main Street. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Hello, sis. I see you've fixed the clock. It would be a shame to break it again. Although, it might be fun to see Robin fly like one of his arrows. Regina: You lay another finger on him... Zelena: Oh, I'm not here to hurt Robin. I'm here to trade him for the apprentice's wand. Regina: What the hell do you want with this? Zelena: I am tired of losing to you! You continue to get everything! But now... now I have someone to love me and only me. See, this is my future, and I am not letting anyone take it from me or turn it against me. So I am going as far away from you and Robin as possible... Over the rainbow, where you can't follow. Regina: Back to Oz? Zelena: I may have been feared and despised there, but at least I was free. At least I was in control. So if you want your forest-smelling boyfriend to live through the day, you will give me that wand. Hook: Don't even think about it. Mary Margaret: You can't, Regina. Please. [Robin chokes under Zelena's magic] Regina: I have to. [Laughs] [Gasps] Zelena: Lovely. Now, all it needs is a little direction. A trinket from home. Now see me do what you weren't powerful enough to do yourself. [Whoosh] [Thunder rumbling] Zelena: Ohh! Ohh! [Breathing heavily] No! Hook: What the hell happened? Regina: What happened is I'm not stupid. I knew you could open that portal, but I also knew it would weaken you. See, there's one thing our family does well, sis, and that's exploit pain. Now we're gonna take your portal, but we're not taking it to Oz. We're taking it to Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] [Birds chirping] Emma: No! No! No, no, no. Rumplestiltskin: Oh, yes. Emma: Where is she? Rumplestiltskin: Doing what you should be doing... Taking care of herself first. If she gets to the Hill of Stones and whispers into that wisp, it's all over for you, deary... unless you kill her. Emma: I'm not killing anyone. Rumplestiltskin: Ah, you don't really mean that. Emma: What does the Hill of Stones look like? Rumplestiltskin: You're not thinking of magicing there, are you? Emma: Tell me. Rumplestiltskin: I thought you didn't want to use dark-one magic. Emma: What does it look like? Rumplestiltskin: Well, if you insist... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Hill of Stones. [SCENE_BREAK] Merida: Please... please take me to my brothers and save them. Emma: No! Do you have any idea what you've done? Merida: Aye. That I do. Stop. I don't know what kind of witch you are or what strange voices are in your wee head, but I heard everything. Rumplestiltskin: What's she saying? Accent's a bit much, no? Emma: You don't know what you heard. I can explain. Merida: I don't need your lies. I need this wisp and I need my brothers, so turn around and go. Rumplestiltskin: She's daring you. Merida: Now get out of here. Rumplestiltskin: Kill her. Merida: Don't test me, witch! Rumplestiltskin: What are you waiting for, dark one? You know what you have to do. Now go ahead... And rip her heart out. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] [Wind howling] Granny: Floyd, shut down the fryers, secure the condiments! Robin Hood: Don't move. Granny: I'm not sure my insurance covers this place going airborne. Regina: We'll be fine. Hook: Well, Your Majesty, it's coming. How do you suggest we get this cyclone to take us to Emma and not to Oz? Regina: By using this. Mary Margaret: Emma's baby blanket. Regina: I, uh, couldn't very well carry her yellow bug. Ready? [Whoosh] Grumpy: Twister! Mary Margaret: Leroy! Mary Margaret: It's okay. We summoned it. Grumpy: You did? Mary Margaret: It's taking us to Emma. Regina: Out, dwarves. Adults only. Grumpy: No! Happy: No? Grumpy: We're staying. Happy: We are? Grumpy: We've been on the sidelines too long, sister, missed too many adventures. Now it's embarrassing. How do you think it feels when everyone asks you how the adventure was, and you got to say that no one asked you to go along, that you weren't needed? We're not turning our back on you again, not even in the face of certain death. Mary Margaret: Thank you. Happy: Certain? [Rumbling] Granny: Hold on tight, everyone! Henry: You did it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: Now's the time. You want the wisp? There's only one way. Now do it. Emma: I'm not going to kill her. Merida: You got that right. [Merida fires an arrow at Emma, who catches it before it strikes her heart.] Rumplestiltskin: Go on. Use your anger. Use your power. [Exhales sharply] Emma: I can talk to her. Merida: You're a crazy woman. I don't want to talk. Rumplestiltskin: You need to find Merlin, Dark One. You need that wisp. Emma: Please, don't. Rumplestiltskin: Kill her. What are you waiting for? Kill her. Emma: Stop! [Merida gasps as Emma pulls her over with a magical force and rips out her heart.] Rumplestiltskin: Excellent. Now... crush it. [Gasps] Hook: Swan. Don't. Emma: What? How? Hook: It doesn't matter how. Has anything ever stopped me before? Emma: You don't know what's happening. This is the only way to find Merlin. He's the only one who can stop the darkness. Rumplestiltskin: Quite right. Crush it. Emma: The only way to protect all of you. Regina: But to stop the darkness, you're going to let it consume you. Emma: You don't know that. Mary Margaret: We're not going to take the chance. Hook: No, wait. You can't do that. This has to be her choice. [Heart beating] Rumplestiltskin: Don't listen to them. They don't understand what's at stake. Emma: You don't understand what's at stake. If I don't find Merlin, the darkness will destroy all of you. Hook: Emma, please. No. Emma: The dark one destroys everyone near it. Look at Gold. I can't do that to my family. And to you. [Heart beating] Rumplestiltskin: She has to die. Emma: She has to die. Hook: Listen to your words. It's not you speaking, Emma. We can find another way together. Look at us... heroes and villains together for you, because of you. And if we can overcome it... if we can overcome our demons... [Merida whimpers] Hook: Then so can you. [Beating continues] [Merida gasps as Emma shoves the heart back into her chest and then hugs Hook.] [Breathing heavily] Emma: You okay? Merida: Oh, for someone who just now had their heart outside their chest, grand. Emma: Thank you for... well, sort of understanding. Merida: No, thank you. Emma: For what? I nearly killed you. Merida: Well-aware. Thank you for showing me the darkness in you. Reminding me I've got darkness in me, too. I was on my way to kill the people who took my brothers, but maybe... maybe I'll show them mercy... Mercy that can heal my divided land. But someone's gonna get a right good punch to the gut for putting me through this. Then mercy. [Wisp whooshing] Emma: Mom, dad, this is too dangerous. You shouldn't have come. David: We had to. Mary Margaret: You're our daughter. Hook: Well, you don't look like a crocodile. Emma: I guess I lucked out. Mary Margaret: Here. We think you should have this. [Mary Margaret offers Emma the Dark One dagger.] David: Take it. You'll be able to control yourself. [Rumplestiltskin appears over David's shoulder.] Emma: No. Hook: Emma, think about it. If it falls into the wrong hands, what it could do... what you could do... Emma: The fight to control my darkness has just begun. It's too much power. Someone needs to watch me. [Emma offers the dagger to Regina.] Regina: Are you serious? Emma: I saved you. Now save me. And if you can't save me, do what no one else will willingly do. You're the only one who will get past their feelings and do what is necessary... Destroy me. Henry: It won't come to that. Emma: I know, kid. So, are you guys gonna tell me how y'all got here? Hook: Well, it might be easier to show you. Emma: You brought Granny's... Granny: Backup generator's working, but the fryers are shot. Emma: And Granny. Grumpy: Terrible news! No onion rings! Emma: And Leroy. Mary Margaret: There's no shortage of people who want to help you. Belle: Emma! [Horse whinnies] Grumpy: What now? [Horse whinnies] Emma: Stand back. [Horse whinnies] Emma: Who are you, and what do you want? King Arthur: I'm King Arthur of Camelot. We've come to find you. Hook: Find us? Percival: My Lord, they think their arrival is a surprise. Mary Margaret: You were expecting us. King Arthur: It was Merlin. He prophesied your coming here a long time ago, just as he prophesied many things. Emma: Merlin. Where is he? We were told that he's been missing. King Arthur: For years, yes. But not for much longer because according to his prophecy, you're destined to reunite him with us. Now, then, if you'll all follow me... Emma: Where? King Arthur: Why, Camelot, of course. [Fanfare plays as the whole crew walks across the bridge to Camelot castle.] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Six weeks later. [SCENE_BREAK] Sleepy: Well, Sheriff, I love how quiet the town is. Sneezy: Oh, that's 'cause I know how to sheriff. [Chuckles] [Thunder crashes, tires screech] [All groaning] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Sneezy: What are you guys doing here? Mary Margaret: What happened? David: We're back. Hook: Bloody hell. Regina: This doesn't make any sense. We were just walking into Camelot. Grumpy: What the hell are we wearing? Sneezy, what happened? How long were we gone? Sneezy: Six weeks. Regina: What? David: Our memories... they're gone. Mary Margaret: Again? Hook: Where's Emma? [Whoosh] Emma: Relax. I'm right here. Henry: Mom? What happened to you? Emma: Isn't it obvious? You went to Camelot to get the darkness out of me. [Gasps] Emma: And you failed. [Sneezes] Emma: What the hell are you supposed to be? Sneezy: Ah... [Emma turns Sneezy into stone.] Emma: There's no savior in this town anymore. Regina: Emma, stop. That's enough. Emma: Or what? Regina: Or I'll do exactly what you asked me to. [Regina reaches for the Dark One dagger at her side and finds it missing.] Emma: Looking for this? [Thunder rumbles] Emma: Nobody's gonna touch this dagger but me. Now, for what you all did to me... You're about to be punished. Hook: Emma. Why are you doing this? Emma: Because... I am the Dark One.
Plan: A: a way; Q: What do the Storybrooke residents seek to bring Emma back? A: Zelena; Q: Who is the only person who can help bring Emma back? A: mind; Q: What does Zelena have other plans in what? A: Zelena's magic; Q: What does Regina use to activate the Apprentice's wand? A: a portal; Q: What does Regina create that brings everyone to the Enchanted Forest? A: the Enchanted Forest; Q: Where does the portal that Regina uses to bring Emma back to Storybrooke lead to? A: a bewildered Emma; Q: Who is trying to track down Merlin? A: Merida; Q: Who does Emma befriend while trying to track down Merlin? A: a dark apparition; Q: How does Rumplestiltskin appear to Emma? A: Rumplestiltskin; Q: Who wants Emma to embrace the Darkness? A: Camelot; Q: Where did the residents meet King Arthur? A: six weeks later; Q: How long after the events of the Enchanted Forest do the residents of Storybrooke return to Storybrooke? A: no memories; Q: What do the residents of Storybrooke have when they return to Storybrooke after their quest? A: completely different attires; Q: What did the residents of Storybrooke wear when they returned to Storybrooke? A: a fully-fledged Dark One; Q: What is Emma now? A: her loved ones; Q: Who does Emma vow vengeance on? Summary: The event of Emma being taken by the Darkness has the Storybrooke residents seeking a way to bring her back, and the only way to make it happen is to turn to an unlikely person: Zelena. However, the wicked witch has other plans in mind, only to be thwarted by Regina, who uses Zelena's magic to activate the Apprentice's wand, which creates a portal that brings everyone to the Enchanted Forest. They find a bewildered Emma, who is trying to track down Merlin, and along the way befriends Merida, while being guided by a dark apparition of Rumplestiltskin, who wants Emma to embrace the Darkness. After they meet up with King Arthur in their quest in Camelot, the residents return to Storybrooke six weeks later, with no memories of what happened in Camelot, while wearing completely different attires. And Emma is now a fully-fledged Dark One, who vows vengeance on her loved ones.
Outside Degrassi (The boys' soccer team and cheerleaders are returning from a victorious game.) Paige: I can't believe we beat them 6-2. Spinner: Did you see Sully bend that last kick before... (Sully walks by.) Sully: (Calling to someone off-screen) Hey Spence, wait up Manny: (Nervously) Hey Sully, Sully um... you did great today, congratulations... Sully: Thanks. (Walks away) Paige: Someone has a crush. Manny: So, you think he'd be interested? Spinner: With you? Um... Paige: Spin doesn't want to be brutal, so um, I will. (Sigh) Sully... not really your type. But I can think of 10 guys you'd be adorable with. Manny: I don't want to be adorable. Bunnies and puppies are adorable. Paige: Hon, if you don't want to be cute, don't be. Just change your image, simple as that. Opening Credits The next day, outside Degrassi Emma: This club will be my mission for the year. I'm calling it S.I.T.E. "Students Improving The Environment" Manny: (Not paying attention) Cool. Emma: We'll have letter writing campaigns, and endangered species week... Manny: Wanna hear my mission? I wanna be hot. Not cute. Not adorable. (Takes off her jacket to show Emma her new, more revealing outfit) Hot. Emma: Wow. Manny: There's no way I'm getting dumped this year... (Removes her hair scrunchee) ...For being too young. (JT is skateboarding and can't take his eyes off Manny. He inadvertently skates into the street and wipes out.) Outside Joey's house (Joey is getting Angela into the car.) Angela: Where's my juice? Joey: Oh, shoot, I always forget something, I'll be right back (Turns around to see Craig and Marco, Craig is holding a juice box triumphantly) Craig: I never forget the Angie fuel! Joey: Atta boy! Here you go. (Give the juice to Angela) So, ready to celebrate tonight? (Craig looks confused.) Joey: Your grounding for skipping class. Finito. Marco: Yes! Man, our band so needs their lead singer back. Joey: Band? You guys have a band? Craig: Well yeah, I mean we don't even have a name yet, but um... Joey: This is so cool! Did I ever tell you guys I was in a band? Craig: Like a million times. Joey: Hey, uh guys, what about rehearsals? Do you need a space? I've got a space. You can use my space. Marco: Your garage? Joey: Anytime you want, alright? Joey: Rock on, dudes! (He drives away singing) Everybody wants something, they'll never give up. Ms. Hatzilakos's classroom (Ms. Hatzilakos is showing a movie about frogs. Manny is drawing in her notebook, JT is watching her. Manny notices, and JT looks away quickly, but Manny notices.) JT: Sorry. I was just, uh, looking at your... Many: At my what? JT: (Motioning to the notebook) Can I see that? (Manny shows him her drawings.) JT: You know, I do do doodle interpretation. Manny: Doodle interpretation. Liberty: Shhhh! JT: Your doodles say a lot about you. Manny: Really. What do my doodles say? JT: Well, this flower one here... (He reaches across to point it out.) Ms. Hatzilakos: JT, quiet please. At Joey's house (Joey has set up the dining room for a romantic night.) Sydney: Look at this place. Candles, music, you in an apron. (Joey laughs) Joey: What can I say? I enjoy creating an atmosphere. (Sydney and Joey kiss, but are interrupted by Craig's band practicing in the garage.) Sydney: Is that roadwork? It's late. Joey: That's Craig's band. Um, could we pop in for just a minute? Sydney: (Reluctant) Sure In the garage (Craig, Spinner, Marco, and Jimmy are playing as Ashley and Angela watch. Joey and Sydney enter.) Craig: Stop, stop. (They stop playing.) Joey: Hey guys, how's it going? Craig: It's going good, it's really good. Joey: Still finding your sound? Spinner: Well on the road, Mr. Jeremiah. (He hits the crash symbol, and it topples over) Joey: All right! But three guitars, aren't you kind of limiting yourselves? Let me show you what I'm talking about, I've got um.. (Takes his keyboard out of the drawer) It'll do piano, it'll do sax, bells, whatever you want, this thing'll do everything. (He plugs it in) Craig: What, you think Ash should join the band? Joey: Um, no I was gonna just... jam with you guys? Show you what you're missing? Craig: What? Uh... Joey: This is a wicked little number, I'm gonna dedicate it to my baby Angie, and my sweetie, Sydney. Jimmy: Joey, what's the key? Joey: Um, H? I don't know. Go, just go. 1,2,3. (He begins playing "Everybody Wants Something." The others try to keep up, but can't. The result sounds terrible) That's it. (Sings) Everybody wants something, they'll never give up. Everybody wants something, they'll take your money. And never give up. Give me more! Come on! (Starts jumping around) Yeah! At the mall (Emma and Manny are shopping for clothes.) Emma: Doodle interpretation? Manny: I know, he was totally flirting. It was weird, but at the same time, kind of nice. Emma: Oh my god, you like him! Manny: No! I mean, he's cute, totally cuter than last year, and I'm glad he's interested because it means my new look is working. Emma: But... Manny: He's still just JT Emma: Oh. Manny: My look still feels too tame, or acute, it's not... (She sees a thong and grabs it) This. This is what I need Emma: A thong. Many: What? It's perfect. What do you think? Emma: I think they shouldn't sell this at the mall. The next day, at Degrassi (Manny is walking down the hall with her pants hiked down to show off her thong.) JT: I mean, this whole thing is just weird y'know. I've known Manny since I was about four. Toby: Last year was hot older women, this year it's hot younger women. So what? JT: You're right. So what? So I like her, big deal. I mean it's not like she's become a totally different person... (He sees Manny's thong and is unable to look away. He's not looking where he's going and walks straight into a doorpost) Mr. Armstrong's class (Liberty, sitting directly behind Manny is staring at her thong condescendingly.) Liberty: Psst, Manny. Are you aware I can see your underpants? Manny: Are you aware that I don't care? Liberty: Maybe some people don't want to have to see your underpants all day. Manny: If some people don't like it, maybe they shouldn't look. Liberty: Do you have so little confidence you have to show your entire body? Manny: I didn't ask for your opinion, Liberty. What I wear is none of your business. Liberty: Fine. But it's against code of conduct. And if someone were to point that out to Mr. Radich, I'm sure he'd think it was his business. Outside Degrassi (Manny and Emma are passing out fliers for Emma's club.) Manny: Are you sure this isn't too much? Emma: You look great. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. And apparently JT agrees. (JT and Toby are sitting nearby.) Toby: Just go talk to her (JT shakes his head.) Emma: So what are you going to do when he asks you out? Liberty: (Coming over) When who asks Manny out? Emma: JT. Isn't it so cute? Liberty: Oh. I didn't know you liked JT. Manny: I might (Liberty looks disappointed.) Toby: Go. JT: Ok. (He walks towards Manny.) Emma: Better hurry up and decide. JT: Manny... Emma: We've got to go to a meeting. So, bye. (She runs away with Liberty in tow) Manny: Hi. JT: I guess, let me guess, I just interrupted a big talk about... endangered platypuses. Manny: Um, something a bit more serious. JT: Well um, what's more serious than a mammal that can lay eggs? Manny: I don't know, you tell me. (Sully approaches.) Sully: Hey um, Manny, right? (He looks at the fliers) This thing, are you going to be there? Manny: (nervously) Yeah... Yeah, well my best friend is organizing it. Sully: Great, well um, maybe I'll show up. JT: Manny? (Manny is entranced by Sully) Manny? Manny: Oh, uh, sorry. What were we talking about? JT: Platypuses. What's more serious? Manny? (Manny has gone back into her trance-like state.) Hello? At Emma's club (Emma and Ashley are giving their presentation on protecting the rainforest. No one is paying attention, they're all more interested in Manny.) Emma: What I'm saying is, if your parents want to buy a tropical hardwood toilet seat, don't let them. Ever year, millions of hectares of tropical rainforests are destroyed. And rainforests are important for so many reasons... Sully: Manny. What's that short for? Manny: Manny? Um, Manuela. Sully: Manuela. Nice. Emma: ...If your parents still insist on buying tropical hardwood, tell them that by buying the toilet seat, they're destroying the rainforest, Our planet's lungs. At CQJH Joey: Caitlin! Caitlin: Joey. What are you doing here? Joey: Actually I was wondering if I could borrow the video camera you had at Spike's baby shower. Caitlin: Oh, yeah, sure. What is it, for Angela? Joey: Actually, it's for Craig's band. Caitlin: Band? Joey: Yeah Caitlin: (Laughs) Oh, you must be having some serious flashbacks Joey: Oh, am I ever. We were jamming in the garage last night, it was like totally like the Zits again. All over. Caitlin: Uhh, jamming? Joey: Yeah Caitlin: Joey, you're not a teenager. Joey: I know, I just thought the boys could use some direction. If I knew that you thought the Zits were a joke... Caitlin: I did not! Joey: But if we had some guidance back then, maybe things would have been different. Caitlin: And maybe if you'd written more than one song (Hands him the video camera) There you go. Camera. Just, uh... never mind. Joey: What? Caitlin: Just remember that they're teenagers. That's all I'm going to say. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Joey's Garage (The boys are playing while Joey films them.) Joey: Ok, ok guys, stop, stop, stop. Craig, I'm only getting your profile, man. Craig: Joey, this is just a rehearsal, I really think we should hold off with the camera and... Joey: We talked about this guys, this camera is your audience, alright, an stage presence is just as important as your sound. And speaking of sound, I know you guys want to play your own music, and I think that's a great goal, ok, but maybe you should start with some covers first. Like, uh, maybe some George Michael. Crag, I know you know the words to Faith. Craig: Joey! Joey: What? (The phone rings, Joey sets down the camera and Joey goes to answer it.) Joey: Just think about it, I mean, you guys have to learn to walk before you can run, ok? (Picks up the phone) Hello? Oh, I can't hear you, hold on. Yeah (He exits) Jimmy: Man, Joey's brutal. Spinner: Gotta learn to walk, before you can run. Marco: I'm sorry, ok? It's funny. In a sad in pathetic sort of way. Spinner: Dude, you really need to talk to him. George Michael? Jimmy: Yeah. Faith? Craig: Hey, shut up. What am I supposed to tell him? He's so deluded he thinks he's in the band. He's embarrassing himself, and he doesn't even know it. (Close up of the video camera. Unbeknownst to them, it's been rolling the entire time.) At Degrassi (Emma is taking down her environmental club poster, Sean runs up.) Sean: Hey. Emma: Look who's here to help. Sean: I'm sorry, I really wanted to go. Emma: But you were abducted by aliens. Sean: Close, I had to help Mr. Ehl in the shop. How was it? Emma: Well, you're practically the only guy in school who wasn't there. Sean: Should I be jealous? Emma: They weren't there for me. Sean: No? Emma: Or the environment. They only wanted... (Manny walks by.) Manny: Hey Em. Hey, Sean. Sean: I'm... just gonna take down the rest of the posters in that hallway. Emma: Thanks (Sean exits.) Manny: That was an amazing turnout, huh? Emma: Yeah, if any of them come back. Manny: Don't worry, I'll make them. Emma: So, what's happening with JT? Manny: What do you like better, Manny or Manuela? Sully likes Manuela, he says it's exotic. Manuela Santos. Oh yeah, did you say something? Emma: Yeah, but it was nothing. (Mr. Radich enters.) Mr. Radich: Manny, I've been meaning to talk to you about your attire. It contravenes the code of conduct. Manny: But everybody wears crop tops. Mr. Radich: It's not about the crop top. I expect you to show up tomorrow in an outfit that does not reveal your undergarments. Manny: But lowriders are in. And I... Mr. Radich: And I've had complaints. So no more visible underwear. Joey's house (Joey is watching the video of Craig and his band. Craig enters.) Joey: Hey, did you turn everything off in the garage? Craig: Uh-huh. What are you watching? Joey: Footage that I shot. I want to show you what I'm talking about with that stage presence thing (He fast forwards a little) Oh, I went too far. (On video.) Spinner: Gotta learn to walk, before you can run. Marco: I'm sorry, ok? It's funny. In a sad in pathetic sort of way. Spinner: Dude, you really need to talk to him. George Michael? Jimmy: Yeah. Faith? Craig: Hey, shut up. What am I supposed to tell him? He's so deluded he thinks he's in the band. He's embarrassing himself, and he doesn't even know it. (Joey and Craig look on, shocked.) Craig: I think I'll... (He exits) At Degrassi, the next day Emma: Manny, I know you were really upset that Radich busted you. (Manny takes off her jacket. Her outfit is not that much different from yesterday's.) Manny: Actually, it turned out not to be such a bad thing. Emma: Do you want to get suspended? Manny: What? I'm not breaking any rules. Emma: Manny, Mr. Radich said... Manny: He said no visible underwear. And do you see any underwear? Emma: No, but... Manny: That's right. (whispers) Because I'm not wearing any. (She walks away, drawing stares from everyone passing by.) Ms. Hatzilakos's classroom Ms. Hatzilakos's: So frogs, they're amphibians. They live both on land and in water, and they find food in both realms. Insects, small fish, and even other frogs. So, who wants to feed our web-footed friends a little snack? Manny? Manny: Sure. (She walks up to the front, everyone is staring at her ass. She accidentally drops something on the floor, everyone looks closer as she bends down.) JT: Uh, Stop! (He hurries to the front of the class) Why does Manny get to feed these frogs when I don't? Ms. Hatzilakos: Because you didn't volunteer. JT: Well, I volunteer then. Ms. Hatzilakos: Ok, so feed them and then sit down. JT: Ok. In the halls immediately after class JT: Uh, hey Manny. Manny: Hey JT. JT: Look, I was just wondering if maybe you were free tomorrow? If maybe we could go see a movie? Sully: See this JT? (Holds up his hand) Buh-bye. Manny: Actually, JT, I'm busy tomorrow. I'm sorry. Emma: Manny, um, I need to talk to you. (Takes her aside) Manny: Now? Emma: How could you do that to JT? Manny: What? I didn't do anything. Emma: No, you just broke his heart. Manny: Emma, come on. Emma: You're getting this huge ego. Manny: I am not. Just because I'm dressed nice... Emma: You're dressing like an idiot. But what I really care about is how you're acting. Manny: I'm always there for you Emma. When you fight with Sean, when you find out your mom's pregnant, for your stupid environmental club. Emma: It's not stupid. Manny: The one time it's not about you, you do this to me. Emma: I'm just concerned... Manny: Because it sounds more like you're jealous! Emma: You know what? Just forget this. Bye. Manny: This is who I am now, Em. If you can't accept that, then don't talk to me. Outside Joey's house (Craig has just come home.) Joey: Hey. Thought you were never coming home. Craig: Uhh, I had rehearsal in Marco's basement, and... Joey, I'm really sorry. Joey: I should have known better. Craig: No, you were trying to help. Joey: I was... (Sighs) Craig, when I was in high school, my band the Zits meant everything to me. And they were good times, some of the best. Anything felt possible. And then I wake up one day, I'm in my 30's, and I have a daughter and a teenage stepson, and I'm thinking to myself "Whoa. When did this happen?" I guess I was just trying to feel that way again. So Marco's basement, huh? Craig: Yeah. Joey: You know, there's better acoustics in the garage. Craig: What about the keyboard? Joey: It's back in the box. Craig: (silently) Thank you! At the Dot (Manny watched as Emma an JT pass by outside, Sully comes over with two coffees.) Sully: Manuela? Something wrong? Manny: No. Everything's just great. (Emma and JT see her through the window as they pass by, but don't stop.)
Plan: A: Manny; Q: Who changes her image to "hot"? A: her image; Q: What does Manny change to be perceived as "hot"? A: all the boys' attention; Q: What does Manny's new image catch? A: problems; Q: What does Manny's new image create between her, Emma, and J.T.? A: Craig's new band; Q: Joey becomes too involved with what? Summary: Sick of being perceived as "cute" and "adorable," Manny changes her image to "hot," which catches all the boys' attention but also creates problems between her, Emma, and J.T. Meanwhile, Joey becomes too involved with Craig's new band, which does not sit well with everyone.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Buffy sitting on the steps of Hemery High in "Becoming." WATCHER: You are the chosen one. Brief montage of several of the monsters Buffy has fought. WATCHER: You alone can stop them. BUFFY: Who? WATCHER: The vampires. Buffy timidly staking a vampire, looking shocked when it dusts. WATCHER: You see your power. BUFFY: Why can't you people just leave me alone? GILES: Into each generation a Slayer is born. WILLOW: You're the Slayer, and we're like the Slayerettes. XANDER: The three of us have been together from the beginning. We've always gone on patrols, and, uh, done demon research with her and everything. BUFFY: We're talking about two very powerful witches (shot of Willow and Tara doing a spell) and a thousand-year-old ex-demon (shot of Anya) XANDER: Anya, you wanna marry me? Willow and Tara slow-dancing at the Bronze. Buffy and Angel sitting on Angel's bed in "Becoming" BUFFY: Angel. ANGEL: I love you. Buffy and Angel kissing. BUFFY: So don't go. Angel walking away at the end of "Graduation Day" Spike driving his car over the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign. SPIKE: Home sweet home. DOCTOR: That chip was deeply imbedded in your cerebral cortex. Spike trying to bite Willow, yelling in pain. SPIKE: I can't bite anything. I can't even hit people. GILES: What are you saying? SPIKE: Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies any more. Spike talking to Buffy in "The Gift" SPIKE: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man. Spike reading a book to Dawn. SPIKE: They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life, so they sent the key to her in the form of a sister. GREGOR: You were created to open the gates that separate dimensions. Various shots of Dawn. GREGOR: The little girl. The key. Dawn crying out as Doc cuts her in "The Gift" GREGOR: Destroy it, and the will of the beast will be broken. Spike attacking Doc. Doc stabbing Spike, throwing him off the tower. DAWN: No! Spike hitting the ground. DAWN: I have to jump. BUFFY: It'll kill you. DAWN: Look at what's happening! Lightning destroying downtown Sunnydale. Buffy doing her determined expression. DAWN: Buffy, no. BUFFY: Dawnie, I have to. Buffy swan-diving into the vortex. The Scoobies gathering around Buffy's dead body. BUFFY VOICEOVER: You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Be brave. Live. Long shot of Buffy's gravestone. BUFFY VOICEOVER: For me. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Continuation from Bargaining Part 1... Open on the same scene. Buffy slowly gets to her feet, turns and stares at the headstone with her name on it. She frowns in confusion, then her eyes widen in shock as she gets it. Cut to downtown. A car sits there burning, half burnt away. Buffy walks up, stares. Pan to a wider shot and we see her walking down a street that's littered with debris. Buffy wears a black dress with dark hose and black heeled shoes. Her hair is shaggy and mostly covers her face. Cut to a shot from Buffy's point of view. Everything is blurry and indistinct. She continues walking, squinting and frowning at the burning cars. She stops walking to stare at a car. A demon on his motorcycle goes roaring past, throws something as he goes by. Buffy watches him go, backs away. Cut to interior of the magic shop. The door opens and Tara and Anya run in. They go down the steps into the main room. TARA: Willow, Xander! Tara goes to look in the back room, comes back. Anya looks around the store. TARA: They're not here. ANYA: Thank god. (Tara looks confused) No, I mean, my store hasn't been looted. Loud banging noise from outside. They both turn to look. TARA: Yet. They go to the window, peek out. Shot of a bunch of demons looting a store across the street. ANYA: (softly) Xander. TARA: They're all right. ANYA: Then where are they? Why aren't they here? TARA: I don't know. Anya turns away from the window, walks into the store. Tara follows. ANYA: (getting agitated) They could be hurt. Xander could be lying somewhere broken and bleeding, calling out my name. TARA: Anya. ANYA: Like that, oh god! (walks on) What if, what if they're really hurt, what if they're dead? TARA: (firmly) They're not. ANYA: How do you know? TARA: Because he's with Willow. And if something ... happened, I'd know. (softly) And so would you. ANYA: (calmer) You think? TARA: I'm sure of it. (hugs her) They're fine. Shot of Tara over Anya's shoulder as they hug. She strokes Anya's hair. TARA: (trying to convince herself) They're both fine. Tara pulls back to look at Anya. TARA: Maybe they got lost, in the woods. ANYA: The woods? Are we going back to the woods? I hate the woods. All those woodsy trees. TARA: (excited) No, it's okay. Lost is good. Willow and I always know how to find each other! She runs to the round table, shoves all the stuff off of it and climbs up on it, sits cross-legged and puts her hands on her knees. (See episode "Fear Itself") ANYA: With yoga? TARA: Ssh! (eyes closed) Aradia, hear my words. Cut to the forest. Xander and Willow are walking along. Willow is panting, leans on Xander for support. XANDER: Okay, this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. Now, I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star. WILLOW: (looks up) Xander. (they stop) That's not the North Star. It's an airplane. Willow makes a pained face, staggers over to a tree and leans against it. XANDER: Nah, that's not an airplane, it's definitely ... (looks harder) ...a blimp! (embarrassed) But I can see how one ... could make that airplane mistake. WILLOW: (panting) I, I can't walk any more. I need to rest. XANDER: It can't be much further. WILLOW: You said that an hour ago. I just ... that spell took a lot out of me. XANDER: As for example, snakes? How come you didn't tell us how much- WILLOW: No. Not now. XANDER: What were we into back there, Will? WILLOW: It doesn't matter anyway. XANDER: Do not get all avoidy on me. WILLOW: I'm not avoidy, I just ... we have bigger problems. Demons? XANDER: Demons! Ah. There's something you don't see every day. (sarcastic chuckle) Unless you're us. WILLOW: (annoyed) Yeah, and now we're lost, so can we - (sees something ahead) What's that? XANDER: See? Avoidy. WILLOW: (points) Over there, that-that light. XANDER: (looks) That one moving towards us? We see a blue light in the distance. XANDER: Incredibly fast? WILLOW: (calls) Hello? XANDER: "Hello"? We're being hunted, and you're hello-ing a strange fast-moving light in the dark? It could be anything. The light comes closer but is still hard to see through the trees. XANDER: It's a motorcycle headlight. WILLOW: (smiling) No, too small. XANDER: Stay behind me. (picks up a stick from the ground, moves forward) WILLOW: Xander, I don't- XANDER: Stay down. I'll take care of this. The light flies right up to Xander and circles his head. It's a small blue ball of light. WILLOW: Xander, it's- XANDER: A bug! A big fiery bug! (trying to shoo it away) WILLOW: Xander- XANDER: Get off! Do fireflies bite? No, they probably burn, don't they? They - yaa! WILLOW: (smiling) Xander, it's not a bug. (as it flies around her face) It's Tara. Willow pushes away from the tree and follows the light as it moves off. WILLOW: Come on. She moves past Xander and on through the trees. Xander follows. XANDER: And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell? Cut to Buffy walking down residential streets. A siren wails in the background. Buffy goes to a car that's parked on a driveway, leans against it. The car's lights come on and its security system begins to wail and honk. Buffy presses her hands over her ears in pain. The house lights come on. The front door opens and a man comes out. HOMEOWNER: What are you doing? Buffy peers at him through her fingers. Her vision is still very blurry. The man is holding a shotgun. HOMEOWNER: Get away from there! Buffy squints at him. HOMEOWNER: Do you hear me? (walks onto the porch) I said get off my property! Buffy continues frowning and squinting. HOMEOWNER: Leave us alone. (yells) Get outta here! He fires into the air. Buffy turns and runs off. Cut to Dawn and Spike running around the side of the Summers house, crouching down behind a bush against the wall. Spike looks out at the street. Dawn tries to move forward to look too, but he shoves her behind him. SPIKE: Get back. We see some demons riding their bikes up onto the porch of a house across the street. Spike gets up a little so he can see better. The demons break some windows and go into the house. We can see people inside. Spike continues watching as we hear a woman screaming. A small smile flicks across Spike's face. Dawn peers over his shoulder. DAWN: I-it looks like they're just ... wrecking stuff. No thought other than just destruct-o-rama. The demons throw some chairs out through the windows. Spike grins. Dawn notices it. DAWN: What? SPIKE: Uh, oh, nothing, just, uh ... (nods toward the action) looked like fun. (Dawn gives him a look) I'm just sayin'. Yeah, it's just ... (looks around) with this kind of frolicking going on all around town, we're not gonna get very far without... Spike spies something, moves away from the wall. Dawn watches. There's a kid-sized football helmet and a baseball bat lying on the ground. Spike picks up the helmet, tosses it to Dawn. She catches it, looks confused. Spike points at her, walks away. Cut to a demon on motorcycle coming around a corner at a high rate of speed. The tires screech. In the foreground we can see Spike's hand twitching as the demon rides toward him. Long shot of Spike standing in the middle of the street. The demon keeps coming. Spike doesn't move. At the last second, Spike leaps up into the air, kicking the demon off the bike. The demon lands hard. Spike runs over to the crashed bike, picks it up and gets on it. SPIKE: Let's fly, pigeon! Cut to Dawn beside the house. She puts the helmet on and runs off. The demons come running out of the house just in time to see Spike and Dawn go roaring away on the motorcycle. Cut to the magic shop. Frantic knocking on the door. Anya and Tara go to it. ANYA: (calls) Already been looted, sorry! Uh, try the appliance store down the block, they've got great toasters. XANDER: (OS) Anya! ANYA: Xander? Anya opens the door. Willow and Xander come in. Willow hugs Tara. Xander closes and locks the door. ANYA: I knew you weren't dead. (hugs him) XANDER: Wow, then why was I so worried? TARA: (leading Willow to a chair) Are you- WILLOW: Uh, not yet. But, but I will be. Willow eases into the chair with a pained expression. Tara stands behind her stroking her hair. WILLOW: Where's Dawn and Spike? TARA: We've been calling the house, but- XANDER: Maybe they're on their way here. I mean, this place is NORAD, and we are at DefCon One. The women all look at him in confusion. XANDER: Okay, I so need male friends. WILLOW: We have to go out and look for them. (tries to get up but Tara pushes her back down) XANDER: There's this guy at work I kind of hit it off with. Tito. I mean, he seems like a good... Once again they all give him a look. XANDER: (embarrassed) You were talking about Dawn and Spike, of course. ANYA: Um, question. (to Willow) You want us to go back out there? WILLOW: Well, yeah. Uh, unless somebody's got a better idea. ANYA: Well, um, it's just ... we're minus a Buffybot. And, uh, Spike is missing in action somewhere with Dawn, and Giles flew away, and, uh, well you, you're looking a little magicked-out. XANDER: Ahn honey, we're nearing your point, right? ANYA: It's just, how are we supposed to fight these guys? (Everyone looks at her) I mean, we can take a vampire or two, sure, but there's a whole cavalcade of demons out there ... (uncertainly) I mean, I think this, you know ... it, it takes, um ... I mean, I ... we need... XANDER: Buffy. ANYA: (softly) Buffy. WILLOW: (harshly) Buffy... They nod expectantly. WILLOW: ...is not coming back. (sadly) We failed. Anya looks dismayed. The others look sad. WILLOW: So ... we're it, gang. (gets painfully to her feet) Xander, grab the weapons. We're gonna look for Dawn and Spike. Sound of glass breaking. They all turn to look. TARA: If we're gonna go, we should go now, they're just getting more and more worked up by the moment. XANDER: Well, they can't keep it up forever. I mean, maybe they'll party themselves out, you know, tire of this place and move on. Cut to Razor addressing his minions. RAZOR: Say hello to your new home, boys. The demons cheer. Several of them have bottles of beer. One of them takes a mouthful of beer and blows it at his torch, creating a huge flame. We see that they're gathered in an open space (parking lot?) with a few barrels full of fire. A burning pile of trash in the background. RAZOR: This here is a momentous occasion, the beginning of a new era. We see Buffy walking slowly toward them, looking around. RAZOR: Now, no question, the open backroads and highways have been good to us. But we've got ourselves a juicy little burg here, just ripe for the picking. And I ain't in no hurry to leave it, you? The demons all yell "no" as Buffy walks closer. We see them from her point of view, about a hundred feet away and still blurry. RAZOR: So I figure, what better way to kick off our ... semi-settling-down, than with a little christening? The demons cheer. We see a couple of demons attaching chains to their motorcycles. They grin at each other as the cheering continues. Buffy walks closer. RAZOR: A symbolic act commemorating the new order around here ... and ridding ourselves of any not-so-pleasant reminders of the old. Razor is holding a gun. He holds it up and theatrically puts a bullet in. RAZOR: All in one quick, really, *really* violent fell swoop. Buffy comes right up behind a couple of the demons. She still looks very muddled. They don't notice her. RAZOR: (holds up the gun) Gentlemen, start your engines. The demons start up their bikes. We get a very quick look at the bikes with chains attached, and the BuffyBot among them. The demons sit still on their bikes, engines rumbling. We see the bot standing there with chains attached to both her arms. The real Buffy catches sight of the bot, and her eyes widen in shock. The bot sees Buffy and also looks surprised. RAZOR: Bye-bye, slayer! Buffy takes a step closer. We see the bot's mouth say "Buffy" but we can't hear her over the engines. Razor fires into the air. The bikes begin to move. BUFFY: (screams) No! The demons nearest Buffy hear her scream and turn around. The four motorcycles all move off in four different directions. Each bike is attached to one of the bot's limbs. Her arms and legs are ripped from her body and her torso goes flying. Razor grins. Buffy looks around anxiously. The demons near her move aside so that all the demons can see her. RAZOR: (looking at Buffy) Another one for the fire, boys. Buffy looks alarmed. RAZOR: Tear it up. Buffy backs away, turns and begins to run. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on Buffy running down the street. A demon on a motorcycle comes from behind and cuts in front of her, cutting her off. She turns to see another one coming at her, swinging a chain over his head. Buffy runs toward that demon as the first one follows. She ducks, and the chain hits the first demon, knocking him off his bike. DEMON: Sorry. Sorry. Buffy gets up and runs off. Cut to Xander and Anya walking down the street. Xander has an axe over his shoulder. Pan forward to reveal Tara and Willow walking ahead of them. Willow carries a crossbow. TARA: It wasn't your fault. We, we don't know if the spell would have worked, even if the demons hadn't- WILLOW: It would have worked. TARA: Well ... maybe... WILLOW: What? TARA: Maybe it wasn't supposed to. I mean, those demons showing up at the exact wrong time? Maybe we really were in over our heads. Invoking forces that we have no right to. Maybe the fates sent down all that destruction on us to stop us. I mean... WILLOW: You mean, maybe it was my fault. TARA: No. No. They put their arms around each other, continue walking. Cut to Buffy leaping over a pile of stuff and flinging herself over a fence. A motorcycle screeches to a stop behind her. The demon growls angrily. Cut back to the Scoobies still walking. ANYA: (softly to Xander) I'm not saying we announce it this second. XANDER: (whispers) Anya! ANYA: Well, I think it would please them to know we're engaged. And I think Willow in particular could use a real morale-booster right now. XANDER: Can we talk about this later? ANYA: Well, but it's just all the excuses for not telling everyone we're engaged are gone now. I mean, aside from hell bikers, there's nothing standing in our way. This is it. No more surprises. Suddenly they all stop walking as something drops to the ground in front of them. XANDER: Watch it! It's Buffy. She crouches there staring at them through her hair. She rises to her feet. ANYA: It ... it's the Buffy Bot. XANDER: Ah, peachy. No doubt to lead the wild bunch right to us again. Hey Will, next time this thing's damaged, couldn't ya program it to find the nearest Radio Shack, or... Xander breaks off when he sees the look on Willow's face. Zoom in slowly on Willow, staring at Buffy in wonder. WILLOW: Buffy? Buffy stares fearfully, then turns and runs away. WILLOW: Buffy! XANDER: Buffy! The gang runs after her. WILLOW: Buffy! Cut to the Scoobies coming around a corner into another alley. ANYA: Where is she? Willow stops. We see Buffy crouched in a corner between a wall and some random junk. WILLOW: Buffy? (moves toward her) Buffy, are you... Buffy sits huddled in on herself with her hair obscuring her face. The Scoobies walk toward her. WILLOW: It's Willow. Can you hear me? Buffy looks up, back, and all around, very nervously. ANYA: (whispers) What's wrong with her? WILLOW: Nothing! She - she's ... she's in shock. TARA: Her hands are bleeding. Her fingers. Close-up of Buffy's hands, which are covered with blood. ANYA: (OS) Oh, she's filthy. Xander shakes his head in dismay. XANDER: Oh no. WILLOW: (OS) What? XANDER: No. How could we ... so stupid! WILLOW: Xander! XANDER: Our spell. Our resurrection spell worked like a magic charm. We brought you back to life, Buffy. (looks at Willow) Right where we left her. Willow and Tara look shocked. WILLOW: Oh god. XANDER: In her coffin. Willow turns in anguish to Tara, who hugs her. TARA: She had to ... dig out of her own grave. Buffy continues crouching there fearfully. Shot of the group from Buffy's POV, still blurry. Xander bends over to look in her face. XANDER: (muffled) Buffy. Shot of Buffy from their POV. XANDER: (loudly) Buffy, it's Xander. Back to Buffy's POV. XANDER: (muffled) We're sorry. We didn't know. Buffy turns her head away, letting her hair cover her face again. XANDER: Buffy. TARA: You aren't reaching her, she's too traumatized. Anya touches Xander on the back, and he moves aside so Anya can take his place. ANYA: Hey, Buffy. Uh, here's some good news that might perk you right up. Uh, Xander and I have an announcement. XANDER: Anya! Xander grabs her arm, pulls her away. ANYA: What? Just trying to help. Xander bends over in front of Buffy again. XANDER: Buffy ... it's gonna be all right. We brought you back. You're home now. Buffy slowly raises her head, looks at him. Shot of Xander from Buffy's POV. XANDER: (muffled) Yeah, that's it. You're home. RAZOR: Yeah, welcome home, Slayer. The Scoobies turn to see several demons behind them. RAZOR: Alive and kickin' after all! The Scoobies look alarmed. So does Buffy. RAZOR: Well, alive, anyway. Shot of the demons from Buffy's POV. RAZOR: (muffled) Not looking too good, though, is she? XANDER: (muffled) I don't see you winning too many beauty contests. Cut to front view of Xander with the axe over his shoulder. XANDER: ...unless the Miss "My Face Fell Off" pageant gets going. RAZOR: Big axe you got there. XANDER: The better to cut you down to size, grandma. The other Scoobies look nervous. Razor grins, takes a step forward. TARA: Incindere. A gout of flame spurts up from the ground between Razor and Xander. Razor steps back. RAZOR: Ah. So you got a witch in the mix. TARA: More than one. XANDER: I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself. (Razor looks amused) Or ... male... (over his shoulder to Willow) Is it a warlock? Willow nods. Xander turns back to Razor. XANDER: Warlock. ANYA: Plus, we have a Slayer here, uh, who might actually be looking to eat some brains, so, I think a little quiet moseying, no hard feelings, and I'm sure your demon horde won't think any the less of you. RAZOR: (shakes head) Now, my boys, see, that's tricky. They came looking for a massacre... We see Buffy looking a bit more aware, starting to rise. RAZOR: (Buffy's POV, muffled) ...and I think you got exactly enough magic between you for a kiddie birthday party. Willow steps forward. WILLOW: Then you'd be wrong. RAZOR: Whoa. Well, I better back off, or you might, what? Pull a rabbit out of a hat? ANYA: (horrified) Don't, don't do that! (to Tara) Why would she do that? (Tara shakes her head) WILLOW: We don't want trouble ... you don't want trouble. RAZOR: Of course we want trouble, we're demons. We're really all about trouble. WILLOW: Not this kind. RAZOR: Oh. I get your point. He backhands Willow, who flies backward and lands on top of some boxes. Xander charges but Razor shoves him aside and he falls to the ground. Anya and Tara each go to their respective partners. RAZOR: Now let me tell you something, children. We're not gonna fight you. We're just gonna hold you down and enjoy ourselves for a few hours. Shot of Tara gently turning over an unconscious Willow. In the background, Buffy rises to her feet, looking at Willow. RAZOR: (OS) You might even live through it. (Buffy walks forward) Except that certain of my boys got some... Shot of Razor grinning evilly. RAZOR: ...anatomical incompatibilities that, uh, tend to tear up little girls. (grins) So, who wants to go first? Buffy comes over to stand directly in front of him. RAZOR: I was really hoping it'd be you. He hits her in the face. Her head whips to the side but she doesn't otherwise move. Razor looks a little uncertain. Slowly, she turns her head back to face him again. There's blood on her lip. Her face hardens into her famous "I'm gonna kick your ass" expression. Razor throws another punch but Buffy stops it, grabbing his fist and holding it immobile. With her other hand she punches him in the face twice, then she kicks him. He falls to the ground unconscious. The other demons look on nervously. Willow sits up, stares. Pan across Razor's inert body to Buffy standing over it looking confused. Xander and Anya stare. ANYA: Does this mean we win? The other demons yell and attack Buffy. She kicks one of them back. Xander and Anya get up. Buffy blocks another demon's weapon and kicks him in the stomach. Another demon attacks Xander who blocks with his axe, then punches the demon. Buffy blocks a punch and punches the demon in the face, then punches another one. Willow loads her crossbow and fires, hitting a demon in the middle of the chest. A demon attacks Buffy with a knife and she grabs his arm in both hands, pauses to kick another demon away behind her, swings the one with the knife around and throws him into another demon, shoves another one away, ducks and punches, ducks and punches again. Then Buffy is surrounded by demons hitting her with various weapons, and she huddles down on the ground under their blows. Suddenly she springs back up again, throwing them off her. She kicks one in the groin and he takes two more down with him. Another demon thrusts a baseball bat at Buffy and she grabs it, uses one end to hit a demon behind her, then uses the other end to hit the first demon. Cut to Main Street. It's deserted but littered with debris, some of which is on fire. A motorcycle comes roaring down the street. Cut closer and we see that it's Spike and Dawn. Dawn sees something up ahead. DAWN: There. What's that? Spike looks, turns toward it. They pass a flaming barrel, then drive into the open space where the demons were partying. It's deserted now too. Spike brings the bike to a stop next to the pile of flaming rubble. They both dismount, staring at something on the ground. Dawn takes the helmet off and tosses it aside as they move forward. Shot of Buffybot's torso lying on the ground, wires dangling everywhere from her arm and leg sockets. SPIKE: It's just a machine, Dawn. DAWN: I know. Dawn kneels beside the bot. Spike turns, walks away a bit. Dawn reaches out to close the bot's eyes, but suddenly the head turns and looks at her. Dawn gasps. BUFFYBOT: Dawn. You're my sister Dawn. Dawn doesn't know what to say. She gives a tentative smile. BUFFYBOT: (looks around in confusion) Where did I go? DAWN: What? BUFFYBOT: Where did I go? I was here. Here. But then I ran away. DAWN: (confused) I-I don't... BUFFYBOT: No. Not me. The other Buffy. Dawn's eyes widen in shock. BUFFYBOT: Yes. The other Buffy. DAWN: Buffy? BUFFYBOT: I don't ... I don't ... know where she ran off to. Maybe- She freezes in mid-word, staring blankly. Dawn backs away, gets up, still shocked. She stares at the lifeless bot, turns and runs away. Cut to Spike picking up a piece of twisted metal from the scrap pile. It's one of the bot's legs. SPIKE: Tsk. Look what those filthy buggers done to you. (loudly, to Dawn) Willow's slap-and-paste job's not gonna do the trick this time. Robot's done. He looks up, notices Dawn is gone. SPIKE: Hey. (looks all around, alarmed) Little bit? (yells) Dawn! Cut to Dawn running down the street. SPIKE: (OS) Dawn! Cut to Tara being held against the wall by a demon who has her by the throat. Willow hits him in the head with her crossbow and he falls back. Another demon has Xander down on a pile of wood but he manages to get his feet up and kick the demon away. Xander leaps to his feet and slams his axe down into the demon. Buffy turns from fighting one demon with the baseball bat and another one flings a length of chain, which wraps around the bat. The demon uses it to pull the bat out of Buffy's hand. Then he attacks her with a knife. She blocks, grabs the knife-wielding arm, and uses it to stab another demon as he charges. Then Buffy kicks out behind her, kicking away another demon, and as for the one she's holding, she twists his head around, breaking his neck. Buffy stops, looking around. All the demons are defeated. The Scoobies approach from their various places. TARA: Well, they wanted a massacre. They stand in a row staring at Buffy. XANDER: She's Buffy. She's herself again. (She looks at him) You're back, Buffy, you really are. Xander moves as if to hug her, but she takes a quick step back, looking fearful. XANDER: Whoa. (gently) Whoa. Buffy looks around in anguish. She lifts her bloody hand to her mouth, wipes the blood from her lip, looks at her hand. She looks about to cry. She walks forward. The others watch uncertainly. Buffy goes past Xander and breaks into a run, taking off around the corner. WILLOW: Buffy! The Scoobies watch her go. ANYA: Where's she going? TARA: Should we follow her? WILLOW: I don't know. XANDER: She just ... needs some time is all. Shot of Razor lying on the ground, apparently dead. Suddenly his eyes open. XANDER: (OS) The important thing is that she's back. She'll be fine. Shot of Razor's hand. The metal claws shoot out of his fingers. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on Razor getting to his feet with a snarl. We see that he's standing behind Xander. ANYA: Xander, look out! Anya shoves Xander to the ground as Razor attacks. The blow misses as Xander hits the ground butt-first. The others watch fearfully as Razor advances on Xander, who scrambles backward on his butt. RAZOR: Now what kind of Slayer is it runs out on her buddies just when they need her the most? Xander grabs a trash-can lid and holds it up as a shield as Razor attacks again. The metal claws slice right through the shield. Xander looks scared. Cut to Buffy walking quickly down an alley. Suddenly she stops, turns as a demon swings a piece of metal at her. She ducks and hits him, kicks him in the groin, grabs him and throws him against a wall where another piece of metal impales him. He falls dead. Buffy stares at him, then looks up. Above the roof of the nearest building we see the tower that Glory's minions built. Buffy runs off. Cut back to Razor about to strike Xander again. Suddenly he's struck from behind. He turns and all three women attack him -- Willow and Anya with sticks, Tara with a piece of chain. He covers his head with his hands as they beat on him. Then Razor does the same move that Buffy did earlier, straightening up and flinging them off of him. They all fall back. Willow holds up her hand. WILLOW: Obfuscate. A gray ball appears in her hand and she throws it at Razor. It covers his face with some kind of goo, so he can't see. He roars and pulls at it with his hands. Cut to Dawn running around a corner, hearing Razor yell in the background. She sees the impaled demon and comes to a stop, staring in disgust. She edges around him, looks up and sees the tower. She starts forward with determination. Cut to Buffy at the foot of the tower, looking up. Shot from her POV of the tower with the narrow walkway extending out. Cut back to Razor still trying to pry the stuff off his face as the others resume hitting him. Xander sits up. Razor finally pulls the stuff off, grabs Anya by the shoulders and shoves her away. She lands on the ground. Xander gets up and rushes Razor, gets elbowed in the face and falls back. Tara rushes Razor and he grabs her by the throat. WILLOW: Fragilis. Another ball of light appears in Willow's hand and shoots over to Tara. Razor swipes his claws across Tara's chest but the metal claws break off and fall away without harming her. Razor stares at his fingers, thrusts Tara away. She falls among some trash. Razor grabs Willow by the throat and lifts her up. RAZOR: So, witch, got a little power after all. Well, let's see what tricks you can manage while I choke the life outta- Suddenly he gasps and lets Willow go. She falls to the ground. Razor falls face-first beside her, with the axe buried in his back. Willow looks up to see Tara standing there. Tara bends over and helps Willow up. WILLOW: Tara! TARA: Nobody messes with my girl. Xander and Anya come over. XANDER: Tara, nice axing. TARA: My first. They all look at the dead demon. WILLOW: Buffy. They all turn and walk off. Cut to: Shot of the tower from afar. Cut to the top. Buffy stands at the end of the platform looking down. We hear creaking noises. Shot of the view from the platform. The ground below is just an open space. Buffy frowns slightly. Flashback of Dawn's blood dripping, opening the hole in midair, lightning flashing. Flashback of Buffy running down the platform, swan-diving into the thing. Cut back to now. Buffy stands staring, presses her eyes shut tightly. Flashback of Buffy standing on the tower with Dawn, turning away from Dawn to look at holes opening in the sky. Buffy turning back to Dawn. Cut back to now. Buffy still has her eyes closed. DAWN: (flashback) Buffy, no. BUFFY: (now) Dawnie, I have to. DAWN: (now) Buffy? Buffy frowns, opens her eyes, turns. Dawn is standing at the other end of the platform, in the little arch at the top of the tower. DAWN: Buffy... Buffy looks apprehensively at her. DAWN: Buffy ... (amazed) how... Buffy frowns at her in confusion. DAWN: Is it you? I mean really? Dawn smiles tentatively, starts to take a step forward. DAWN: What are you do- The tower creaks and shudders under Dawn's feet. She grabs the pole beside her for support, looks down fearfully. Shot from below as the whole tower shakes. Cut back to above. Buffy turns back to the end of the platform. DAWN: (shrieks) No! Buffy looks down at the ground below. DAWN: Don't! Buffy turns back to Dawn. DAWN: Don't jump, Buffy, don't move! Just walk to me. Please! Buffy looks uncertain, turns away again. DAWN: Please? Buffy continues staring down. The tower continues to creak. DAWN: I'm your sister. Dawn. We were up here ... together, and then ... you went away. And you don't wanna do that again. I don't know how you're back, but you are, and please, just stay still. The tower shakes again, making Dawn shriek and fight for balance. DAWN: Or-or move. But-but towards me. Because the tower was built by crazy people and I don't think it's holding up very well. Beat. Buffy continues staring down. DANW: Talk to me. Say something! The tower creaks. BUFFY: (quietly) Is ... this hell? DAWN: (confused) What? Buffy turns to face Dawn with an anguished frown. BUFFY: Is this hell? DAWN: No! Buffy, no! (taking a tiny step closer) You're here ... with me. (another tiny step) Whatever happened to you, whatever you've been through, it's ... it's over now. You're- The tower shakes again. Dawn shrieks DAWN: We have to get off this tower! Buffy turns to look down again. BUFFY: (quietly) It was so ... clear ... on this spot. I remember ... how ... shiny ... and clear everything was. (shakes her head) But ... now ... now... DAWN: Buffy ... please ... listen to me. Buffy closes her eyes, doesn't turn around. DAWN: You told me I had to be strong ... and I've tried. (tearful) But it's been so hard without you. Buffy still has eyes closed, frowning. DAWN: I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better, I will! (still tearful) If you're with me. Stay with me ... please. I need you to live. Live! For- The tower shakes again, hard. Dawn screams and crouches down. Piece of the tower fall off. DAWN: Buffy! Buffy whirls around. BUFFY: (softly) Dawn. DAWN: Buffy! BUFFY: (louder) Dawn! Buffy runs across the platform to Dawn, pulls her up and into the body of the tower. They run around one bend, pause and look around. Shot of a pulley with a rope going through it. Buffy holds onto Dawn, leaps off the tower and grabs the rope. They hang there for a moment, then the rope begins to move and they plummet downward. Dawn screams. Shot of the pulley with the rope zooming through it, sending up smoke. Shot of a bolt working its way loose. They fall for a while and then something catches and they stop. They both look toward the ground, still a long ways off. The bolt holding the pulley secure breaks off, and they fall the rest of the way, Dawn screaming the whole time. They land on some cardboard on the ground. They both lie on their backs gasping. Buffy looks up and sees the entire platform break off the tower and fall toward them. Buffy grabs Dawn, they both get up and run off an instant before the platform falls on the cardboard. Long shot of the entire tower crumbling and falling to the ground. It makes a huge sustained noise. Buffy and Dawn go around a corner and collapse on the ground, panting. Dawn winces in pain, looks up at Buffy's face. The noise dies away. DAWN: (tentatively) Buffy? Buffy looks at her apprehensively. Dawn smiles in disbelief. DAWN: Buffy. You ... you ... (touches Buffy's cheek) ...you're really here. Dawn hugs Buffy. DAWN: (crying) You're alive, and you're home. You're home. Shot of Buffy's face over Dawn's shoulder. She doesn't look very happy. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon. THE END
Plan: A: Sunnydale; Q: What town is invaded by a gang of biker demons? A: the Slayer; Q: Who is a robot? A: havoc; Q: What do the biker demons wreak on Sunnydale? A: the Scoobies attempt; Q: What do the Scoobies do to flee from the demons? A: the real Buffy; Q: Who returns to Sunnydale after being resurrected? A: an emotional confrontation; Q: What does Buffy do with her younger sister? Summary: Sunnydale is invaded by a gang of biker demons who, having learned that the Slayer is a robot, wreak havoc on the town. Meanwhile, the Scoobies attempt to flee from the demons while the real Buffy, having been resurrected from the dead, returns to the place of her death for an emotional confrontation with her younger sister.
(Open: Outside FBI Headquarters. Booth & Brennan are coming up the escalator. Brennan is carrying the manuscript to Sweets book.) BOOTH: You know, we're gonna have to break this to Sweets very gently. BRENNAN: Why? He should be grateful. BOOTH: He'll grateful later. BRENNAN: What do you mean? BOOTH: Well, you know how people are grateful when you yell "fire" but before they're grateful, they panic and run into walls. BRENNAN: You think Sweets is going to panic and run into a wall? (Booth looks at her) Metaphorically. Okay. I got it. BOOTH: He's not gonna like it. BRENNAN: Well, if there was a mistake in one of my books, I'd want to know. BOOTH: What you call "a mistake", Sweets calls "interpretation". BRENNAN: Interpretation? No. It's an actual factual error. BOOTH: Okay, what exactly do you think, you think we're telling him about? BRENNAN: Page 31. And I quote "Subjects worked together for the first time in solving the murder of pregnant Congressional intern, Cleo Eller. BOOTH: Oooh. Right, yeah. That's right. We worked that other case before that. BRENNAN: What did you think we were going to talk to him about? BOOTH: The whole, uh, love thing? BRENNAN: Love thing? Oh, his conclusion we're in love? I don't care about that. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweet's Office. Booth and Brennan just arrived and told Sweets that there was a mistake in his book) SWEETS: What mistake? BOOTH: Hint, it's not what you think. SWEETS: You disagree with my conclusion that the two of you are in love and the sublimating energies of that connection are responsible for the energy, vigor and rigor that you bring to your homicide investigations. BOOTH: I just told you, it's not what you think..and you immediately say what you think. BRENNAN: That's your interpretation. We recognize your right to interpret. SWEETS: You do? BRENNAN: That's your right as a psychologist to get everything wrong. I have circled some typos - other than that and the fact that the Cleo Eller murder was not our first case, you're ready to publish. SWEETS: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. My interpretation of your working relationship is based on the unfolding, interpersonal dynamics of that first case. BOOTH: It wasn't our first case. SWEETS: It wasn't your first case. BRENNAN: It's not. SWEETS: Then, please. Tell me all about that real first case to see if my conclusions are still valid. (They look at each other. Booth nods at Brennan and they sit down) BRENNAN: A girl was murdered and her remains were thrown in a landfill. BOOTH: Her name was Gemma Arrington. The case was going nowhere, I was at an early morning Gambler's Anonymous meeting.. (Cut to: August '04. Booth is at a Pool Hall shooting pool. He has money riding on the game) POOL SHARK: Snap the 9. BOOTH: Rack 'em. BRENNAN: (V.O) Booth had a gambling problem before he met me. BOOTH: (V.O) Well, since I mostly won, it really wasn't a problem. BRENNAN: (V.O) But it took your focus away from more important things. Like work. BOOTH: (V.O) You know, I was getting it under control. POOL SHARK: (he hands him a $20) Nice shot, Tex. BOOTH: Thanks. (Booth's phone rings) BOOTH: Booth. Right. Okay. I'm on my way. (Cut to: Park - Day. A woman is sitting on the bench. Booth joins her.) MOM: Thank you for seeing me. BOOTH: (V.O) The victims mother, Jocelyn, came to see me to tell me that the NY Corner's office was releasing her daughters remains for burial. She was all upset. SWEETS: (V.O) Upset, why? (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. ) BRENNAN: The police had given up hope of finding her daughters killer. BOOTH: You see, the case was a split jurisdiction. The girl was last seen in D.C. but her body was found in New York in a landfill. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Elevator. Booth is reading the paper - when he lowers it, we see Cam - who was the New York Corner at the time. She joins him on the elevator) BOOTH: (V.O) The New York Coroner was in town, and uh, I decided to meet with her. BOOTH: Camille. CAM: Seeley. (the elevator doors close.) I can get you Gemma's file but you know the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. BOOTH: Okay. Maybe I missed something. CAM: How's about you get another point of view. BOOTH: Partner up. No. You know I don't do that. CAM: There's a Forensic Anthropologist, at the Jeffersonian; I read that she solved how a stone aged hunter was murdered. BOOTH: How does that help? CAM: If she can solve a 4,000 year old homicide, maybe she can help on Gemma Arrington. I could release the remains to her. BOOTH: Ya know what, Cam? Uh, I'll catch up with you later, alright. Forensics don't solve crimes; cops do. CAM: Same activity. Same results. Speaking of which, you look like you've been up all night. BOOTH: I'm fine. CAM: Meaning, you won? (She heads back to the elevator. Booth goes after and stops the doors from closing) BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey, hey. BRENNAN: (V.O) That's when he said... BOOTH: What's that scientist's name? BRENNAN: (V.O) And Cam answered: Temperance Brennan. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. ) BRENNAN: Which is me. (Cut to: August '04. American University. Brennan is lecturing a class.) BRENNAN: Most methods of removing flesh have disadvantages.. BRENNAN: (V.O) I was lecturing on de-fleshing techniques at American University. BRENNAN:..methods which preserve the bone, perfectly, require patience. (Booth opens the door at the lecture hall) BOOTH: (V.O) Bones was not what I expected. BRENNAN: ..works quickly but the bone itself, is cooked; transforming the marrow. The first step is to use conventional surgical instruments being very careful that the scalpel, forceps never come in contact with the bone. Any questions? BOOTH: (raising his hand) Yeah, I have a question. It seems to me if you, uh, remove the flesh aren't you, uh, destroying the evidence. BRENNAN: On the contrary. I am revealing evidence. (the bell rings) Thank you. See you next week. (The students leave but Booth heads toward where Brennan is standing.) BOOTH: Ah, just, uh, one more thing. I mean, isn't all the good evidence in the flesh. You know, like, the poison and stab wounds and the bullets. BRENNAN: All of the important indicators are written in the bone if you look carefully. BOOTH: So that's your thing. BRENNAN: Yes. I am the best in the world. BOOTH: Oh. Okay. You're serious. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: (laughing) He thought I was being humorous. BOOTH: It turns out to be true. BRENNAN: But you didn't know that yet. (Cut to: August '04. American University.) BRENNAN: Are you a student here? BOOTH: Special Agent Seeley Booth from the FBI. BRENNAN: I'm Doctor Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian Institution. BOOTH: Do you believe in fate? BRENNAN: Absolutely not. Ludicrous. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: I still don't. BOOTH: And I still do. [OPENING CREDITS] (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. ) BRENNAN: Booth decided not to provide me with the murder victims identity. (Cut to: August '04. Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan and Zack are examing the remains.) BOOTH: (V.O) I wanted to see if she could find out what I already knew. ZACK: A modicum of connective tissue indicates that, depending upon burial conditions, the remains are less than 200 years old. BRENNAN: Zack, we have to shift the paradigm; this is a recent murder. ZACK: What does this FBI agent want? BRENNAN: Identification of the remains. Apparently, the FBI has had no luck with dental records or missing persons. ZACK: The pelvis tells us, female who has never given birth. The rupture of the third molar indicates adolescent. (Hodgins enters the platform) Fingernails have lacquer on them. Fractures to the Pars interarticularis of the C2, indicate a blow to the forehead which may have cause unconsciousness but not death. HODGINS: What are you doing? ZACK: We are identifying a murder victim. HODGINS: From this century? (Brennan nods.) I'm taking the clothing! BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins, I have asked you before not to be so unpleasant. HODGINS: (sarcastically) Please? I'm taking the clothing. ZACK: Why? You are a Botanist. HODGINS: Yeah and a Mineralogist and an Entomologist which gives me the same number of Doctorates as the two of you put together because you don't have any! I could find fibers or-or spores or other particulates. ZACK: Cause of death: The sharp symmetrical traumas to both the right and left temporal bones. (to Hodgins) You can take the clothing and leave, now. HODGINS: Yeah? You can take the femur and shove- BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins. (he goes to leave) Dr. Hodgins. (she motions towards the bowl he left on the table) (Hodgins snaps the rubber band on his wrist, picks up the bowl and leaves with the bag of clothes.) ZACK: Naomi from Paleontology, suggests that Hodgins is like that because he needs to get laid. (Brennan looks confused) That means "engage in coitus". (Cut to: Park - Day. Angela is doing a caricature of a man when Brennan finds her.) BRENNAN: This is not a good likeness. ANGELA: Brennan. Hi! No, this is, uh, this is accurate, actually. This is very accurate. BRENNAN: I disagree. In reality, his nose looks like a yam. ANGELA: Could you go over there and just wait for me. Over there. (Cut to: Park - Day. Angela and Brennan are sitting on a park bench. Angela is eating an fudge pop.) ANGELA: So, you want me to do a-a caricature. BRENNAN: Yes. But an accurate one. It's for my work. (She takes a skull out of her bag and hold it up to Angela) ANGELA: Oh, my god. That looks real. BRENNAN: But it is real. Do you think you could provide me with a face? ANGELA: That-that's real? BRENNAN: It's a murder victim. (Angela throws the fudge pop in the garbage) ANGELA: Murder? Brennan, I thought that your job was-was mummies and cavemen? How- how did he die? BRENNAN: She. It's a teenager. Someone or something crushed her skull. ANGELA: Poor thing. Could you, maybe, just put that away now? BRENNAN: Well, the FBI wants to know who she is. ANGELA: But why me? I mean, we've only known each other a month. BRENNAN: Well, I interacted with you at your art exhibit because I was very impressed with your command of underlying structure. You will be paid. ANGELA: I'm in. I'm saving to go back to Paris. BRENNAN: How much do you have saved up so far? ANGELA: Whatever you're gonna pay me for that skull facial murder barf making monstrosity. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Hallway. Booth is carrying a box) CAM: Transcripts, interviews, phone logs, time lines.. BOOTH: I dropped the body over at the Jeffersonian this morning. CAM: What did you tell them about it? BOOTH: Nothing. CAM: Ah, the gambler in you checking out the players BOOTH: Thanks, Cam. I appreciate it. CAM: Oh, don't thank me, Seeley. Nobody wants this case anymore. (She heads towards the elevators to leave while Booth goes to his desk, in the bullpen. As she enters the elevator, she literally runs into Brennan.) CAM & BRENNAN: Oh! CAM: Oh, I'm sorry. BRENNAN: Traditionally, people disembark the elevator before reloading. CAM: I'm gonna take that as an acceptance of my apology. BRENNAN: But it wasn't an acceptance. It was an observation of social mores. CAM: Wait - hey, you're Dr. Brennan, right? We met at a conference on decapitation. (Brennan could care less, she heads over to find Booth) CAM: Never mind. (Brennan finds Booth's desk and places her bag on it) BRENNAN: Your victim was 16 years old, bi-racial. She died between 3 and 4 years ago and her body was left in a landfill for approximately one year. She was born in Southern Alabama but moved north when she was 8 years old. She was injured in a pre-1998 automobile, no air bags, when she was 13. BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: I'm not done. Judging by her ribcage and diaphragm attachment, she was either a swimmer, a singer or an asthmatic or any combination thereof. This preliminary sketch (she shows him the sketch that Angela did) gives you a general idea of what she looks like (She holds up the skull next to the sketch). I'm sorry, but we've been unable to find out her name. (Booth is shocked at how much information she found out) BOOTH: Just for future reference, those human remains are forensic evidence; you should be wearing gloves. BRENNAN: (placing the skull on his desk) I will adjust my behavior accordingly. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth puts a tape in the VCR.) BRENNAN: What is this? BOOTH: Just watch. (They watch the video of a young girl singing and playing the piano.) BRENNAN: She bears a remarkable resemblance to the sketch I gave you. BOOTH: Gemma Arrington. She's been dead for 4 years; her body was found in a landfill 3 years ago. (They head back to Booth's desk) BRENNAN: She's the murder victim? BOOTH: Yeah. I'm sorry. BRENNAN: Sorry for the victim? BOOTH: No. Sorry for holding back her identity. BRENNAN: Well, even though my time and expertise are extremely valuable, I accept your decision to test my abilities. Obviously, I passed with a lot of color. BOOTH: Pardon? BRENNAN: It means I did very well. BOOTH: Oh, right. You, um, flying colors. You passed with flying colors. BRENNAN: Yes, I know but passing your test suggests you have something more important in mind? BOOTH: I want to catch the b*st*rd who killed her. BRENNAN: Well, how do you know he's a b*st*rd. How do you even know it was a man? BOOTH: Look, uh, okay. (he holds up a picture) I guess you know who that is, right? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Judge Myles Hasty. He's a Federal Judge. BRENNAN: Well, I don't follow current events past the Industrial Revolution. BOOTH: He killed Gemma. BRENNAN: Well, why haven't you arrested him? BOOTH: Well, I don't have enough proof. BRENNAN: Then how do you know it's him? BOOTH: I just know and I'd like to ask you to help me catch him. BRENNAN: I won't do that. BOOTH: (laughs) Why? BRENNAN: Well, I will help you find out that truth and if the truth is that he killed her, I will help you catch him but first the truth, then the catching. BOOTH: okay, look. All I need is the kind of crap that persuades a jury. BRENNAN: It seems to me that someone like you could benefit hugely from an association with someone like me. BOOTH: Oh..(he starts laughing until he realizes she's serious.) Oh. You're being serious. You're serious. I was just kidding. You know, having some fun. BRENNAN: It is fun. (She smiles back at him) (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) SWEETS: This all happened a year before the Cleo Eller case? BOOTH: Almost to the day. BRENNAN: Well, thirteen months, less a week. SWEETS: And you didn't argue, even though he withheld information and tested you. BRENNAN: Well, my abilities were outside of his experience. SWEETS: He called evidence "crap" and she basically called you stupid. BRENNAN: We were feeling each other up, like, uh, a Honeymoon period. BOOTH: Out. We were feeling each other out. BRENNAN: Would you like to hear the rest of the story? (He leans back in the chair thinking that this is going to turn out badly) (Cut to: August '04 - Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Zack is cleaning the flesh off the bones by boiling the skeleton.) BRENNAN: (V.O) Well, I only knew Hodgins, slightly, as a very unpleasant authority on ancient spores and insects but he was the one that figured out the remains were in a landfill for a year before being discovered and that wasn't all.. HODGINS: (to Zack) I found a sliver on the dead girls clothing. ZACK: The term is "nebula's". HODGINS: Wood. I found a splinter of wood. Maple to be exact. (to Brennan) So your murder victim? Most likely stuck with something made out of maple. ZACK: Still an observation so vague as to approach meaninglessness. HODGINS: Is he trying to piss me off? BRENNAN: You are always angry. I've been told you have an anger management problem. HODGINS: I'm...in a program. Supposed to snap this (he snaps the rubber band) everytime I get angry. ZACK: I'd be happy to do that for you. (Hodgins glares at Zack) BRENNAN: The victims boyfriend was in town the day she disappeared; trying out for a minor league baseball team. HODGINS: Yeah, so? BRENNAN: What are baseball bats made of? HODGINS: Maple? (he realizes what Brennan is getting at) Maple! (he snaps the rubber band) I should have thought of that. You know, I'm not so sure that a baseball bat attack would leave behind splinters, though. ZACK: Then why posit it as a weapon? HODGINS: Doubts! I have doubts, you see. I am doubtful. (Hodgins snaps his rubber band) BRENNAN: Perhaps the two of you can design an experiment. HODGINS: What? Whoa. No. Wait. Work together? (Zack shakes his head) BRENNAN: Yes. (Brennan leaves. Zack and Hodgins are not happy about this turn of events.) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Bullpen.) BOOTH: I brought in Gemma's baseball playing boyfriend for questioning for murder but I know he didn't do it. BRENNAN: Well, how do you know? BOOTH: why? Because the killer's Judge Hasty. BRENNAN: Well, feeling isn't knowing. When you know something, you can argue fact not merely make unsupportable claims in a passionate tone. BOOTH: You said that in a passionate tone without facts. You see, what it comes down to, it's all about what you feel. BRENNAN: Wh-why are you interrogating the boyfriend if you're already convinced? BOOTH: Ah, because I want to convince you. BRENNAN: That's very kind. Can I come in and watch you broil the suspect? BOOTH: Yeah, Well you know, I could broil 'em but I think you mean 'grill'. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth and Brennan are talking to Tucker Henry, Gemma's boyfriend.) TUCKER HENRY: I feel apart after I heard Gemma got killed. Couldn't concentrate on anything, then, couldn't hold it together. BOOTH: Some people might say the result of a guilty conscience. TUCKER: I was in D.C. to try out for a minor league baseball team. My dad was with me. Three of my uncles and four cousins. I wasn't away from anybody long enough to kill Gemma and transport her body to New York City. BRENNAN: (to Booth) He has alibis? BOOTH: Tell Dr. Brennan how you did at your try-outs. TUCKER: I did great. Wh-what does that have to do with anything? BOOTH: Well, your try-outs were after Gemma was killed. TUCKER: Yeah, but I didn't know that yet. I- I thought everything was great. I didn't fall apart until after I found out Gemma was murdered. I still dream about being there when that happened; about protecting her. BOOTH: Psychologically consistent. BRENNAN: Well, I'm not well acquainted with psychology but anthropologically speaking, men are programmed to consider themselves the protectors of their mates. (to Tucker) It was unnecessary to put you through this again. TUCKER: I don't mind coming in and answering these questions; cause it means that you guys are still looking and I want that. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Hodgins grabs a bat. Zack is dressed in a thick material covered suit - experiment time! Hodgins walks up to Zack and right before he's about to wack him..) ZACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you the deliverer of the blow while I am the recipient? HODGINS: Because you grunted when you picked up the bat. Brace yourself. (He swings the bat and wacks Zack with it, hard. The rest of the Jeffersonian workers, who are watching, wince. Brennan arrives.) BRENNAN: Excuse me. Go back to work, please. (to Hodgins) Conclusions thus far? HODGINS: Nothing. The bat did not leave behind any slivers even though the suit Zack is wearing is much more abrasive than the cotton the victim was wearing. BRENNAN: A blow like that would have left behind unmistakeable bone damage. Have you tried striking Zack in the soft tissue around the liver? ZACK: What?! HODGINS: Yeah, anatomy's really not my thing. (Brennan grabs the bat from Hodgins and slams Zack with it - knocking him to the ground.) ZACK: Ow! HODGINS: Whoa, ho, ho! That one had some effort! BRENNAN: That would most certainly have cause hemorrhaging in the liver followed by death. (Hodgins bring over a magnifier to examine the suit for splinters) HODGINS: Nothing. When a bat is so honed in close grain, it cannot be broken on the soft tissues of a human being. We could try striking his head. ZACK: What! (Brennan and Hodgins go to leave the platform) BRENNAN: Unnecessary. HODGINS: So I guess the baseball bat was not the murder weapon. ZACK: Dr. Brennan. I found something interesting in the victims x-rays. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room.) BRENNAN: The bones of the inner ear are missing. ZACK: Indicating that they may have been extracted during the assault. BRENNAN: Did you set up the UV light source? ZACK: Yes. (He goes to reach for it, but he's still wearing the suit, so it's hard to maneuver.) BRENNAN: I'll - I'll do it, Zack. ZACK: Thank you, Dr. Brennan. It's hard to move in this suit. BRENNAN: (scanning the bones with the UV light) These bruising's occurred before death. Possibilities? ZACK: Recurring patterns, so either struck repeatedly with the same narrow weapon or perhaps crushed beneath some kind of grid. BRENNAN: Could you please measure the exact distances between the bruises. ZACK: Of course, Dr. Brennan. (He goes to reach for a tool but falls. Brennan has already left the room) (Cut to: Opera House. Brennan is there to find what caused the bruising on Gemma's bones.) BOOTH: So at 6:30pm, Gemma and her choir sang here for a group of hoity toites. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. BOOTH: Shakers and maccas; You know, influential types - including Judge Hasty. There was a reception here at 9pm. Gemma was seen at the end of the reception, then poof. A year later, her remains were found in a New York City landfill. So, what are we looking for? BRENNAN: The source of a pattern of bone bruising that happened very shortly before she died. Regular strikes, approximately 33cm apart, spanning the remains from the forehead down to the femur. I was thinking something made of maple. Uh, heavy book case, scaffolding, a ladder. BOOTH: I gotta tell ya..I really am enjoying working with ya, Bones. BRENNAN: Bones is not my name. BOOTH: It's just a nickname. BRENNAN: Oh, yes. I see. I could call you....shoes! BOOTH: Shoes? Why shoes? BRENNAN: Yes, because they are so very shiny. BOOTH: The shoes, they're part of my uniform. (They enter a theater type room) BOOTH: The FBI, they just have a way of doing thing. BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, para-militaristic organizations tend to constrain individuality. BOOTH: That's for sure. BRENNAN: But any group, no matter how restrictive, the free thinkers, the mavericks, rebels with leadership quality, find ways to declare their distinctiveness. BOOTH: I'm a free thinking real rebel. (The head to another area) BRENNAN: Are you seeing anyone? BOOTH: Wow. Right to the point there, huh, Bones? Uh, casually but she doesn't like my hours. You? BRENNAN: Well, uh, a physicist has been asking me out so I was thinking of saying yes. BOOTH: Well, I'd ask you out if I could. BRENNAN: Why can't you? BOOTH: Well, FBI rules, again. No fraternizing with other agents or consultants. BRENNAN: That's too bad. BOOTH: Glad you think so. (The enter another room with a staircase) BOOTH: The stairs. Look, they're made out of maple? BRENNAN: The sliver on the victims clothing could have come from violent contact with stairs. BOOTH: What about the bone bruising? BRENNAN: The hypotenuse of the triangle formed by the riser and tred, looks to be approximately 33cm. BOOTH: Gemma was probably trying to escape. Come down here. The judge probably dragged her to the exit over here. (they open the door, there's a parking lot) There is it! BRENNAN: The killer could have driven back here and taken her away without being seen. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Caroline's Office. Angela is holding up a flip book, showing how the murder could have happened) CAROLINE: You think that Gemma Arrington was chased by Judge Hasty. BOOTH: He played football in college. CAROLINE: Then he swung her into a wall or something? ANGELA: Well...No, no, no. The next part, here, shows.. CAROLINE: (interrupting) Who's this, now? ANGELA: Oh, I'm Angela. Montenegro. I'm an artist. Who are you? BOOTH: That's Miss Julian. She's a Federal Prosecutor - she's on our side. BRENNAN: (peaking out from behind Angela, to Boot) Tell her that Angela possesses extremely keen spacial awareness. CAROLINE: And who's this now? BOOTH: That's a squint. BRENNAN: (standing, she extends her hand to Caroline.) I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Uh, don't bother. You know. You never remember squints. CAROLINE: That's correct and you know why? BOOTH: Why? CAROLINE: Because they get all whishy-washy and flip-floppy on the witness stand. So it's better I don't remember the last time they let me down when I need 'em again. BOOTH: Here. Here continue with the flip book there. ANGELA: Okay. Okay. (she holds up the flip book again) So the judge tackles Gemma... BOOTH: You remember, you know, football in college. ANGELA: And grabs her ankle. BOOTH: Wham! Right there. Bam, all of a sudden, you know, he's got an unconscious girl on his hands and you know what, he thinks she's dead. BRENNAN: Loads her into his car at the bottom of the stairs and drives her to a landfill in New York. CAROLINE: Why was he chasing her? BRENNAN: Who cares why? CAROLINE: Oh, let's see? A judge. A jury. The press and oh, yeah. Me! BOOTH: Caroline. All I need is a warrant to arrest Judge Hasty. CAROLINE: Well, maybe if this little stick figure thing was a big computer - lots of bells and whistles - but right now, it just looks like a sadistic children's book. What's the penchant death grip thing that actually killed the girl? BRENNAN: We don't know yet. CAROLINE: (pointing to the book) This won't get me a warrant. I'm a lowly Federal Prosecutor. Hasty is a big-shot Federal Judge. BRENNAN: A hoity toit. (Booth wince) CAROLINE: Oh...I see what's going on. You've always wanted this office. Tired of sitting out there in the bullpen. Well, I'm not committin' career suicide because you're cute and want a window. BOOTH: We should go. ANGELA: Okay. (whispering, to Brennan) Hey, listen. He is very cute. BRENNAN: Well, I do respond to the breadth of his shoulders and strong jaw line. (Booth closes the door to the office and catches up with Brennan and Angela.) BOOTH: Guys, guys, guys. Okay. Caroline says we can't arrest the judge, but she doesn't say that we can't ask him a few questions. (Cut to: Opera House. Booth and Brennan are there with Judge Hasty.) BOOTH: Thanks so much for coming down, Judge Hasty. JUDGE HASTY: As you pointed out, if I refused, headline news would be "Federal Judge to Cooperate in On-going Homicide Investigation". BRENNAN: What we think is that you chased Gemma Arrington and she fell down those stairs. BOOTH: Okay, Bones. Way to jump right in there. (to Judge Hasty) She was trying to escape you. JUDGE HASTY: Why? I'm a very nice man. BOOTH: Did you use that line on her, too? JUDGE HASTY: The only words I ever spoke to the girl were "You have a lovely voice." and I said it in front of about 100 people. BOOTH: What did you not do in front of 100 people? BRENNAN: Booth is suggesting sexual impropriety. JUDGE HASTY: I chased her through the Opera House. That's very melodramatic. And then, what? I pushed her down the stairs? BOOTH: No. She was trying to get away from you and you tripped her and she fell down those staris. JUDGE HASTY: And she died. BRENNAN: No, those injuries didn't kill her. JUDGE HASTY: (to Brennan) You're making this all up (to Booth) and she's making you look like an idiot. BRENNAN: No. In fact, I am very intelligent. JUDGE HASTY: Yeah? You could have fooled me. You're ridiculous. (He grabs Brennan's arm and she turns around and punches him in the nose..and then punches him in the nose again - he falls to the floor.) BRENNAN: (to Booth) Is this very bad? BOOTH: I have been wanting to do that for years. You are so hot. That's great. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Booth is with Caroline.) CAROLINE: That woman punched a Federal Judge. In the nose! Twice! BOOTH: Well, it was self-defense. He was panicking. Alright. We got it right. CAROLINE: Fire her! And cut all ties. If we're lucky, Hasty sues her and not us. BOOTH: I can't do that. CAROLINE: She should never have been in the field. Now I'm sympathetic. I have let a pretty face lead me down the paths of unrighteousness - yours for example... BOOTH: Well, it's not like that.. CAROLINE: Of course it is! Watching you two together is like being at prom but it's not high school now, Booth. It's grown-up time. The beautiful scientist - is fired. She just doesn't know it yet. That oversight is what you must rectify. My advice? Get her drunk first. BOOTH: Me? Ugh. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Brennan and Zack are examining the skull.) ZACK: I'm trying to estimate the force needed to cause this damage to the victims skull. I'm working up a chart of equivalents. Alligator bites have been measured at 2,000 lbs of force, hyena's at 1,000, sharks at 330. Whatever did this damage was somewhere between a human and a chimpanzee, meaning approximately 250 lbs of force. BRENNAN: I just had a terrible thought. We removed the flesh by boiling. What if there were particulates on the bone which Hodgins could identify. (Zacks looks at her, skeptically.) We'll, we're not used to dealing with such fresh kills; we must adapt. (Angela appears in the doorway.) ANGELA: Could I help? (she enters the room) Wow! This place is huge. BRENNAN: Angela, this is my assistant, Zack Addy. Zack, this is my friend, Angela Montenegro. ANGELA: Hey! It's Jimmy Neutron. Huh. Boy scientist. ZACK: I don't know what that means. BRENNAN: Neither do I. ANGELA: Okay. Uh, it occured to me, when I did the facial reconstruction, that the girls head was slammed. BRENNAN: Well, a door would have crushed the entire side of her head, Ange. ANGELA: Yeah, but what if it were some kind of protuberance. Like a bolt or something. ZACK: A sliding door? ANGELA: I don't know. I'm an artist. I belong in Paris. BRENNAN: What about a car trunk? With a catch or latch? How much force would a slamming car trunk generate. (Zack stops and pauses) ANGELA: Is he doing that in his head? ZACK: 260 force lbs. - give or take. BRENNAN: That could fit. (she checks her phone) I have to go meet Booth. (Brennan leaves) ANGELA: I have a little math problem you can't solve. Can God create a bigger rock than he can roll? Think about it. (Cut to: Pool Hall. Booth and Brennan are at the bar doing shots of Tequila.) BOOTH: Drink up. Er, alright. (They do a shot) BRENNAN: Okay. (she clears her though) So all we have to do is compare the wounds in the victims skull with the Judge's cars. BOOTH: No, Bones. Just stop talking about the case, just for one moment, alright? BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: Check this out. Huh? (He lifts his tie and there's a sexy, cartoonish woman on the back. They laugh.) BOOTH: Okay. I am declaring my individuality; I am going rogue. BRENNAN: You have gone rogue. BOOTH: Okay here (he pours her another shot) You can handle your liquor very well. BRENNAN: Well, this stuff is nothing compared to the Bhang I had to drink as a grad student in India. It's made of fermented cannabis. BOOTH: Here's to Bhang. BOOTH & BRENNAN: To Bhang. (They clink glasses. They laugh.) BOOTH: You're fired. BRENNAN: What? Why? Because I drank Bhang? That was in pursuit of scholarly research. (Booth chuckles) Why am I fired? BOOTH: You're fired because you assaulted a Federal Judge. BRENNAN: No, you thought that was hot. BOOTH: I did. I did. It was very hot. Okay. (they do another shot) Cheers. BRENNAN: Hey. (Brennan leans towards Booth) BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: If we don't work together anymore, we can have s*x. BOOTH: I'll call a cab. (Cut to: Outside the Pool Hall. Brennan throws her jacket on and Booth follows her out) BOOTH: Hold on, hold on, listen. Hold that cab! Listen. I got something to confess. BRENNAN: What? Is it the fact that you're a direct descendant of John Wilkes Booth? I already know that. BOOTH: Wait...wait a second. How do you know that? BRENNAN: From your bone structure. BOOTH: Just keep that, um, under your hat. Okay? For now. Alright? BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: What I wanted to to confess was - see, I have a gambling problem but I'm dealing with it. BRENNAN: Why did you feel you had to tell me that? BOOTH: I don't know. I just feel like, um, this is going somewhere... BRENNAN: Why did you feel this is going somewhere? (She gets closer to him) BOOTH: I just - I feel like I'm gonna kiss you.. (She closes the space between them and they start to kiss. A few seconds into it - the frame freezes and we...) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office) SWEETS: You kissed. BOOTH: Yes. BRENNAN: There was tongue contact. (Sweets slumps down into his chair.) SWEETS: My book is crap. BRENNAN: Well, that's why we wanted to come here today. BOOTH: Yeah, we just wanted to warn you, Sweets, so you wouldn't be barking up the wrong tree. SWEETS: How long did this affair last? (Booth and Brennan look at each other) BRENNAN: Should we tell him? SWEETS: Yes! Yes, you should. (Cut to: Outside the Pool Hall. It picks up from where we left off - Booth & Brennan are kissing. The taxi honks and Brennan breaks the kiss and runs to the cab. Booth stays in the doorway.) BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: We are not spending the night together. BOOTH: Of course we are. Why? BRENNAN: Tequila. (Brennan gets into the taxi and it starts to pull away but Booth chases after it.) BOOTH: Hey, ho, ho. Hold the cab. Hold the cab. Hey! (He knocks on the window, Brennan rolls it down) BOOTH: So, you're afraid when I look at you in the morning, I'll have regrets? BRENNAN: That would never happen. (She chuckles, as the cab drives away as Booth stands in the middle of the street. She waves to him out of the back window) BRENNAN: (V.O) I went home and went to bed. (Booth looks up at the Pool Hall sign, as if he wants to go, but decides not to and starts walking in the opposite direction) BOOTH: (V.O) SO did I. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office) (Sweets can't believe what he's hearing and slumps back in the chair again) (Cut to: August 'o4. Medico Legal Lab. Brennan is just getting to work but it's obvious she's hung over - she's wearing sunglasses indoors and looks like hell.) ANGELA: Hey! Oh, hey. We have to tell you something. HODGINS: Zack told me how bad you felt about boiling all the particulates out of the skull... BRENNAN: I need some coffee. ZACK: This is coffee. (He hands her a mug) BRENNAN: Oh, thank you. HODGINS: Despite the boiling, I was able to get microscopic samples from the bones (to Angela) hey, have I mentioned how excited I am to be working with you? ANGELA: Yes, yeah. You've, you mentioned it. ZACK: Dr. Hodgins found microscopic fragments of steel and traces of lubricating oil. ANGELA: Zack and I compared manufacturers specs for the Judges trunk to the victims gaping head wound. ZACK: One of them matched. BRENNAN: We got fired. HODGINS: A '56 Bel Air. BRENNAN: What? ANGELA: What? HODGINS: What? (Brennan takes her sun glasses off) ANGELA: We got fired? Wha- is this because you slept with Booth? BRENNAN: What? I didn't sleep with Booth. Why -why did you say that? HODGINS: Tequlia vapors. ZAcK: What is happening? BRENNAN: I got us fired because I punched a judge in the schnoz. ANGELA: Now, I'm never going to make it to Paris. BRENNAN: Angela, I can offer you steady employment reconstructing ancient remains and tombs and digs. ANGELA: Really? HODGINS: You know, I've always wanted to go to Paris with an artist. BRENNAN: Zack, take all of the evidence to Booth at the FBI and we all can go back to our normal jobs. (She puts her glasses back on and heads for her office) HODGINS: You ever feel like you saw something great that almost happened, then it didn't? (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Bullpen. Booth is laying his head on his desk, staring at a glass of water. He's a bit hungover as well. Zack comes in and plops down a case, containing all the evidence) ZACK: Are you Special Agent Booth? BOOTH: What are you? (He notices the logo on the case) Oh, the Jeffersonian. Alright, you must be one of the squints. ZACK: I'm not familiar with that term. BOOTH: Squint. You know, you guys, you squint when you look at things - just like that. ZACK: This is proof that Federal Judge Myles Hasty murdered Gemma Arrington. BOOTH: Proof? What proof? ZACK: It was immensely stupid of you to fire us. BOOTH: (he gets up from his desk) I'm sorry, but did you just call me stupid? ZACK: I can only conclude that you are immensely stupid. (He pushes a manila envelope towards Booth and leaves, crossing paths with Cam.) CAM: You fired the Jeffersonian Institution? BOOTH: (looking at the file) Uh, I don't know what any of this stuff means. (He hands the folder to Cam) Yeah, Caroline made me. Dr. Bones punched the judge right in the nose. CAM: They got the judge. BOOTH: They got the judge? This is good news. CAM: What'd I tell ya. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Caroline's Office.) CAROLINE: The girls head was smashed in by the locking mechanism of a '56 Bel Air. CAM: Here's the evidence. CAROLINE: Oh, more stick man cartoons? BOOTH: Yes, but you know, you can jazz it up with computers before trial. CAM: LOok at the evidence. CAROLINE: If you're wrong about this my career is over so don't tell me to "look at the evidence" because you know I'm gonna look at the evidence (to Booth) and you, reassure me. BOOTH: Yes. Yes. Cam and I, we did, look at the evidence and we both feel that there's enough here to get a warrant to search the judges vehicle. CAROLINE: He'd better of done this because irritatin' a Federal Judge? Very unwise. CAM: Uh, small trace of blood - any DNA would be enough to make an arrest. (Caroline looks over the file) CAROLINE: (to Booth) You fire the Jeffersonian already? BOOTH: Yeah, of course. CAROLINE: Hire it back. BOOTH: Okay. CAROLINE: And push come to shove, you be ready to testify that judge walked into a door or somethin'. BOOTH: Yeah. (Cam smiles and Caroline goes back to reading the file.) CAROLINE: I'll have your warrant in an hour. (she pauses) So why are you still here? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. She measuring the occipital region on a skull when shows up at her doorway.) BOOTH: You're back, baby. Haha! You're re-hired. BRENNAN: But I've moved on. BOOTH: What is that, uh, a monkey? BRENNAN: No, this is Ardipithecus Ramidus Kadabba. The earliest known.. BOOTH: Okay, abracadabra can wait (Brennan is annoyed) we have a warrant for the judges car so let's go. What's the matter? Get your coat. Chop- chop! (Cut to: Parking Garage. FBI techs are surrounding the Judges car, looking for evidence that he killed Gemma) BOOTH: Is something wrong? BRENNAN: I find I'm annoyed with you. BOOTH: Why? Because I fired you and hired you back? It's the Federal Government. BRENNAN: No, because you got me drunk to fire me and then have s*x with me. BOOTH: Whoa, no. I got myself drunk so I could fire you and you decided not to have s*x with me, which I accepted gracefully. So, you regretting that decision? BRENNAN: No, I'm not. It was a very good decision and I stand by it. BOOTH: What's going on, Bones? BRENNAN: Do not call me Bones. FBI TECH: This cars been cleaned, sanded and repainted. The rug is new. BOOTH: So, nothing. FBI TECH: Nothing. JUDGE Hasty: Can I have my car back? LAWYER: I See no reason why not. You've done nothing but cooperate at every stage of this investigation. BRENNAN: What? That's it? BOOTH: Well, we don't have anything. BRENNAN: Well, my people should look at it. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Because we're smarter than you. FBI TECH: Beg your pardon? BRENNAN: Oh, please. Do you really think the best and brightest go into law enforcement? No, the best and brightest go to the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Oh, really? Because you know the one I met couldn't pick his nose without instruction. BRENNAN: The locking mechanism should be removed. BOOTH: Okay, excuse me. You know what? You really need to learn how to speak to human beings. BRENNAN: I speak six languages - two of which you've never even heard of. BOOTH: You know what? You're a cold fish. BRENNAN: You're a superstitious moron. BOOTH: Get a soul. BRENNAN: Get a brain. FBI TECH: Agent Booth? BOOTH & BRENNAN: (in unison) What? BOOTH: (to Brennan) I'm Agent Booth. (to the FBI Tech) What? (The FBI Tech holds up a piece of something in his palm. Brennan looks at it.) BOOTH: What is that? FBI TECH: I have no idea. BRENNAN: It's a stapes. In humans, it's a bone from the inner ear. BOOTH: Gemma Arringtons? BRENNAN: I have no way of knowing that without doing some tests - anyone who took high school science should know that. BOOTH: Well, anyone with a high school education would figure, hey, who else is it gonna be. BRENNAN: (to the FBI Tech) Send this to the Jeffersonian, we'll check it for DNA. (She storms off, Booth shakes his fists - he's frustrated) BOOTH: Alright, you know what? That's fine. (He pulls out his hand cuffs) That's it. Judge Hasty, you're under arrest, pal. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: Are you okay? BOOTH: (holding out a cup) Here. Have a glass of water. SWEETS: It's like - it's like you two missed your moment, then you punished each other for it and you know who ends up paying the price? Me. I do. Okay, what happened next. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is interrogating the Judge (who is with his lawyer). Caroline and Brennan are also there.) BOOTH: (V.O.) Well the minute I had the judge in the interrogation room, he started to mess up. BOOTH: (he holds up an evidence bag) Stapes. BRENNAN: (V.O) It was Gemma Arrington's stapes, of course. BOOTH: (V.O) So we had proof she had been killed in the trunk of his car. BOOTH: (holding up a license plate) '56 Chevy, nice car. That's your locking.. BOOTH (V.O) We also had testimony from the Valet who actually saw him pull in the back alley. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BOOTH: Lie upon lie. BRENNAN: Fact upon fact. BOOTH: But..but I didn't know, why. BRENNAN: Booth is obsessed why people do things. BOOTH: Yeah, what did Gemma see. Why did Hasty chase her though the back of the theatre? SWEETS: You figured it out, right? BOOTH: Not me. (He looks towards Brennan) BRENNAN: Me. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room.) BRENNAN: (V.O) I noticed the way he touched his nose, very gingerly. (Brennan leans over and whispers something to Caroline. Then Caroline gets up and whispers in Booth's ear.) LAWYER: Well, considering you have no motive, I'm sure you can see there's no sense in detaining my client. BOOTH: I know what happened. When a Prosecutor tells the jury, they're gonna believe it too. BRENNAN: (V.O) It had to be something that would have ruined his career. BOOTH: (V.O) But also destroyed his judgment. BOOTH: You had your septum replaced. What was it? Cocaine? Crystal Meth? Gemma saw you snortin' something. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: He thought he killed her on the stairs, so he went to get his car. BOOTH: She regained consciousness as he loaded her into the trunk. BRENNAN: He panicked and slammed the lid, which killed her. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room.) JUDGE HASTY: I just wanted to stop her. Reason with her. Maybe offer her a bribe, but she ran. LAWYER: That's enough, Myles. BOOTH: (V.O) And it was. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: Judge Hasty will be eligible for parole in 10 years. BOOTH: That's the story of our first case, Sweets. Sorry about your book. SWEETS: No. It's not. It's not. What happened between you two? BRENNAN: We started to argue. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Conference Room.) BOOTH: (V.O) In front of the victims mother. BRENNAN: (V.O) Well, I was worried that we still didn't have enough evidence to convict. (Booth stands up and grabs a hold of Brennan's arm, dragging her out of the conference room) BOOTH: (V.O) I told her this was definitely not the place to bring this up. (They get into the bullpen area) BRENNAN: Let go of me. BOOTH: I will if you would jus- (Brennan slaps him across the face) BRENNAN: Oh! What the hell?! BRENNAN: You are a bully. You - you grab my arm, just like the judge. You use your gun and your badge to intimidate people. BOOTH: Really? You use your brain to make people around you feel stupid. BRENNAN: Well, you are a stupid man. I hate you. BOOTH: Oh, you hate me. What, are you 10 years old? I'm not your dad! BRENNAN: I will never work with you again. (Brennan grabs her jacket and storms off) BOOTH: Who asked you?! (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) SWEETS: You struck him? BOOTH: I shouldn't have grabbed her. BRENNAN: We're sorry about your book. SWEETS: Okay. This is..you. You are totally messed up. I always said that you could never kiss, because if you did, then the dam would break and now it turns out that you kissed. Did the dam break? BRENNAN: Wha-what does that mean? BOOTH: Well, He-he still thinks that we slept together. BRENNAN: We're - we're not in love with each other. It took us a year, after we kissed, to be in the same room together, right? BOOTH: Oh, uh, absolutely. Right. No more kissing or anything. SWEETS: If you're not in love, then how come you haven't been in any serious relationships since you first met, huh? BRENNAN: I don't really do that. BOOTH: You know, a job. Son. SWEETS: One of you has to have the courage to break this stalemate. You. (he points to Booth) It's gotta be you because you're the gambler. For once, make that work for you. BOOTH: (to Brennan) Something to eat? BRENNAN: I could eat. (They both get up to leave. Booth places the manuscript on the table) BOOTH: (to Sweets) Sorry about that book. (Sweets picks up one of the manuscripts and throws it behind him) (Cut to: Outside FBI Headquarters - Night. On the wall, there is the following quote: "Nothing happens unless first a dream.." - Carl Sandburg. Booth and Brennan are walking down the stairs.) BRENNAN: In his book, Sweets wrote that being abandoned by my parents made me convinced that all meaningful relationships are doomed. BOOTH: And he wrote that I got "White Knight Syndrome" cause of my physically abusive, alcoholic father. BRENNAN: Hate psychology. (Booth stops walking.) BOOTH: I'm the gambler. I believe in giving this a chance. (He moves closer to her) Look, I wanna give this a shot. BRENNAN: You mean us? (he nods) No. The FBI won't let us work together as a couple- BOOTH: Don't do that. That is no reason why we can't... (He cuts himself off and kisses her. She kisses him back and then places her hands on his chest and pushes him away.) BRENNAN: No. No. BOOTH: Why? Why? BRENNAN: You-you thought you were protecting me, but you're the one who needs protecting. BOOTH: Protecting from what? BRENNAN: From me! I - (she starts to break down) I don't have your kind of open heart. BOOTH: Just give it a chance..that's all I'm asking.. BRENNAN: No, you said it yourself; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. BOOTH: Well, then let's go for a different outcome here, alright? Let's just - hear me out, alright? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30 or 40 or 50 years, alright, it's always the guy who says "I knew." I knew. Right from the beginning. BRENNAN: Your evidence is anecdotal. BOOTH: I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know. BRENNAN: I- I am not a gambler; I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how. I don't know how. (and with that, she breaks Booth's - and her own - heart) Please don't look so sad. BOOTH: Alright. Okay. (he sighs, and leans back against the wall) You're right. You're right. BRENNAN: Can we still work together? BOOTH: (after a slight pause) Yeah. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: But I gotta move on. I gotta find someone who's - who's gonna to love me in 30 years or 40 or 50. BRENNAN: (softly) I know. (Brennan wipes her eye and starts to walk away. Booth joins her. They bump shoulders and then she links her arm through his, puts his head on her shoulder and they walk off, together. Though they're not together, they'll still hold because they're the center.) END.
Plan: A: The milestone 100th episode; Q: What episode of BONES took viewers back six years? A: six years; Q: How far back in time does the 100th episode of BONES take viewers? A: first; Q: What case did Brennan and Booth work on together? A: his book; Q: What did Sweets finish on their partnership? A: the record; Q: What do Brennan and Booth set straight in the 100th episode of BONES? A: A young and rebellious FBI Agent Booth; Q: Who sought the help of anthropologists and a street artist to find evidence that would prove his high-profile suspect guilty? A: anthropological scientists; Q: What type of scientists did Booth seek help from? A: unfamiliar territory; Q: What was Brennan's team in when they first worked together? A: Dr. Brennan; Q: Who is the anthropologist who helped Booth with his first case? A: Zack; Q: Who is Brennan's grad student? A: Hodgins; Q: Who was the street artist that helped Booth? A: new leads; Q: What did Brennan and her team uncover that impressed Booth? A: a well-connected district judge; Q: What did Booth think the team would find out about the suspect? A: a foundation; Q: What did the first case cement for a successful future partnership? A: the convoluted romantic beginnings; Q: What does the 100th episode of BONES reveal about Brennan and Booth? A: years later; Q: How long after the first case do Brennan and Booth's feelings for each other still linger? Summary: The milestone 100th episode of BONES takes viewers back in time six years as Brennan and Booth recount the first case they worked on together. With Sweets finishing his book on their partnership, Brennan and Booth take this opportunity to set the record straight. A young and rebellious FBI Agent Booth seeks the help of an team of anthropological scientists and a street artist to find the evidence that will prove his high-profile suspect guilty. Although in unfamiliar territory, Dr. Brennan, her grad student Zack and Hodgins get right to work, impressing Booth with their knack for uncovering new leads and substantiating his theory about a well-connected district judge. While the case cements a foundation for a successful future partnership, it also reveals the convoluted romantic beginnings of the formidable duo - whose feelings for each other almost destroyed the team but still linger years later - .
ACT ONE TO GO BODLY WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is searching the living room for a book. He checks on the shelf, and on the table and in the bookcase. He calls out for help. Frasier: Dad? No answer. Frasier: Daphne? Anybody home? He soon realizes that nobody else is home. He lifts the seat of the piano stool to see if his book is inside, then sits down and begins to play a Mozart tune on the piano. Knowing no-one else will hear, he plays the opening chords of a Jerry Lee Lewis classic, then the next ones, until suddenly: Frasier: You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain! Too much love drives a man insane! Oh, what a thrill, just what a thrill! Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! Enjoying this rare moment to himself, he plays and signs with joyous abandon, finishing with a ripple along the keys and a spin around on his stool. However, when Niles and Martin walk in on him, he goes back to sedately playing the Mozart tune, as if he was playing it all along. Martin and Niles sit down. Martin: [to Niles:] I still think you're making too big a deal out of this! Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment. Martin: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss which made her glad she was a woman! Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae, she'd snap like a twig. Frasier: Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again? Niles: Sunday was her fortieth birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her. Frasier: What, no gifts? No party? No nothing? Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly. Martin: Oh, why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume? Niles: She gets hives. Martin: How about candy? Niles: Hypoglycemic. Martin: Just get her a dozen roses. Niles: Allergic. Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk, tell her it was a mistake. We've all noticed she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty. [Martin and Frasier laugh] Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend. [gets up and heads for the door] It'll be a costume ball - with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! [brightly] May I presume you're both coming down with colds? Martin and Frasier give violent coughs. Niles: And so it goes. [exits] Frasier: Listen dad, you didn't happen to find a book lying around here? The station manager loaned it to me and I promised I'd return it today. Martin: What's it called? Frasier: The Life And Times Of Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree. It's a stunningly witty history of the English theatre. Martin: [sarcastic:] Oh OK, you caught me, I got it hidden under my pillow! Frasier: Dad, you could at least try to be a little bit helpful, I promised him I'd return it today. Martin: Well, ask Daphne when she comes in. She was looking for something too put her to sleep last night, that book sounds like it could put her into a coma. Martin exits and Frasier is left alone. After mulling it over in his head he decides to go into Daphne's room and retrieve it. CUT TO: Daphne's Room This room was once Frasier's study, but now shows unmistakable signs of a woman's touch. He enters cautiously, being careful not to knock anything over. He picks up the book and is just about to leave when something catches his eye. He sees that Daphne has kept a lot of photos on her cabinet. He picks one up to look at it more closely: it is Daphne with Prince Charles. He has a look at some trinkets before moving to the other side of the room. He picks up an alarm clock in the shape of a "Teletubby" and shakes it a little. Spotting a bottle of pills he picks them up and moves over to the light so he can read the label. At that moment Daphne walks in, and Frasier hastily puts them out of view into his pocket. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Frasier: Daphne. Daphne: What are you doing in my room? Frasier: Look, I thought you were out... not that I make a habit of coming in here when you're out! Well, I thought I came in to get my book which I have, see. [laughs nervously] Well, I'll just be going - me and my book. See Frasier go. [exits] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Apartment. That evening, Niles is on the phone to Maris at Frasier's apartment. Frasier and Martin are sitting at the dinner table. Niles: [into phone:] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane I want to speak to her and don't take no for an answer! As he waits, he winks at Frasier and Martin. Niles: [firm] Well then Nadia, you tell her that Dr. Crane says... [ducks behind the stereo cabinet and lowers his voice] Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please... Frasier and Martin trade a look. Niles puts the phone down. Martin: Maris hung up on you, huh? Niles: No, now she's got Nadia doing her dirty work. Nadia is Maris's hatchet maid. Martin: What happened to that Louis the French guy birthday party? Niles: Disaster there too! Maris reminded me that an entire branch of her family tree were slaughtered by the Huguenots. Frasier: Well, let's just forget about Maris for the time being, shall we? Sit down and have a nice meal in a convivial atmosphere. Daphne walks in with a lump of cold meat on a board. She slams it down in front of Frasier and walks out again. Niles: What is she mad about? Martin: Beats me! Daphne: [entering with onions and carrots:] Here's your favorite, Mr. Crane, cream onions. [hands them to Martin] And, Dr. Crane, I've made my special glazed carrots just for you. Niles: Thank you. [takes them from her] Daphne: [to Frasier:] You. Carve! [she stabs a knife into the meat] Martin: Well, we don't know what she's mad at, but we sure as hell know who! Daphne: If anyone needs me, I'll be eating in my room. [to Frasier:] You know where that is! [exits] Martin: What did you do? Frasier: This morning, I went into her bedroom. Niles: [shocked:] Frasier, how could you?! No matter how irresistible the urge to venture down that hallway... to press your face against that door... [trailing off:] to actually feel the grain of the wood against your cheek... It must be fought! It must be fought- Frasier: Oh, Niles! I simply went in there to retrieve my book. Martin: You're not supposed to go in there! Frasier: [defensive] Oh, what's the big deal? Martin: Do you ever see her leave her door open? She doesn't like people going in there. Frasier: She goes into my room all the time, and it doesn't bother me! Martin: Women are different. Frasier: Dad, that is sexism talking. Martin: No, that's thirty-five years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags. You never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse." The husband could say, "honey, I'm being robbed, the guy's holding a gun to my head and I don't have any money," the wife'd say, "bring me my purse." Niles: Dad, as usual, your simple homespun wisdom has pricked the balloon of Frasier's pomposity. Martin: [to Frasier:] Now you were wrong, so go on in there and apologize. Go on! Frasier: Alright! I'll go into Daphne's room and I will apologize to her. He gets up, Niles gets up and follows him. Frasier: Alone, Niles! CUT TO: Daphne's Room. Daphne is eating her dinner at her desk. There is a knock at the door. Daphne: [nicely:] Yes. Frasier: Daphne, it's Dr. Crane. Daphne: [angry:] Yes! Frasier: Could you open the door, please? CUT TO: Hallway. Frasier stands outside the door. Daphne opens the door a crack and stares straight at him, even worse than Eddie. Frasier: I, I behaved very insensitively this morning. And I did need the book but it was wrong of me to go in without your permission. She just stares. Frasier: And I'm sorry. She stares without saying a single word. Frasier: It'll never happen again. She stares. Frasier: Ever. She stares. Frasier: I'm being very nice. She stares. Frasier: Well, good night Daphne. [begins to leave] Daphne: [coming out:] Oh, wait, I'm being much too hard on you! I'm just a little sensitive about my privacy. Frasier: Oh, there's no need to explain. I promise you, it will never be an issue again! Daphne: Well, thank you for being so understanding. I suppose my problem goes back to growing up in a household of boys. My brothers were all snoops. They never gave me a moment's peace. Oh, it was a filthy little rite of passage for the Moon boys: when I reached a certain age, they'd sneak into the bathroom and peek at me in the shower. Frasier: Oh, dear God! All eight of them? Daphne: Well, except for my brother Billy, the ballroom dancer. He never peeked at me. Though he did peek at my brother Nigel. Thinking about it, she exits to her room. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INDIANA CRANE AND THE DISPOSAL OF DOOM Scene Three - Kitchen. Later that evening, Frasier is making coffee as Martin enters. Frasier: Coffee, dad? Martin: Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert! Frasier pours beans into the coffee grinder. Niles comes in with some dishes. Martin switches on the disposal unit. There's a hum indicating it's jammed. Martin: Oh geez, the disposal's jammed! [to Niles:] Yeah, stick your hand down there, see what's stuck, will ya? Niles: Dad, it's me, Niles. Martin: I can't get my hand in there. Niles: Oh alright, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off? Martin: Positive. [reaches toward the switch to demonstrate] Niles: Ah-ah-ah! Move away from the switch! Martin: Oh, geez... He moves to the other side of the kitchen. Niles puts his hand down into the unit. Niles: Oh-ho, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell... Frasier switches on the coffee grinder, creating a high-pitched buzzing noise. Niles: YAAAH! Niles's hand shoots out of the garbage disposal with such force (or little force knowing Niles) that he falls back onto the counter, knocking over Frasier's silver coffee service. Realizing where the sound came from, he gets to his feet as if nothing has happened (after checking his hand). [N.B. In an earlier draft, Niles holds up his hand while shielding his eyes and yelping for someone to count his fingers.] Martin: Give me a call when the coffee's ready. Frasier: Yes. Martin exits. Frasier: Sorry, Niles. [going to pick up the service] Thank God. Niles: That's enough excitement for one evening, I'm going home to Maris. Frasier: I thought she wasn't speaking to you. Niles: She's not, but she grows weary of being frosty to the help. RESET TO: Living Room Niles: Oh, by the way I'm out of cash, I need something to tip your garage attendant. Frasier: [searches pockets and finds the pill bottle] Oh, great! Niles: What? Frasier: These pills! Niles: I was thinking money but you know him better than I do. Frasier: No, [hands Niles a dollar bill] Daphne's prescription. When I was in her room earlier, I must have inadvertently... [thinks] knocked them into my pocket. Niles: That's an interesting phenomenon. I can't walk through a drug store without aspirin and decongestant leaping into my trousers! Frasier: OK, I was snooping around a little bit. [he reads the label] Oh, dear God! "Take one before bedtime." Oh no, she's sure to miss these tonight. Daphne: [entering with exercise mat] Oh, you heading off, Dr. Crane? Niles: Yes, I am. Daphne: Say hello to your wife. Niles: I'll certainly try. Daphne: Mr. Crane, time for your exercises! [leaves to Martin's room] Frasier: Oh great, this is my chance. I'll just sneak back there and put these back in her room. He heads to the hallway, Niles again follows him. Frasier: Alone, Niles! Frasier goes to enter her bedroom. As he does so, Daphne and Martin argue off stage. Frasier carries on. Martin: [o.s.] The Sonics game's on! I'll do my exercises tomorrow. Daphne: [o.s.] Fine! If you need me I'll be in my room. Frasier has just put the pills down, now he can't escape. He looks for some place to hide, he looks out of the window but it's too far down. He realizes he can't get under the bed so he hides in the wardrobe closet. Daphne re-enters, calling over her shoulder. Daphne: You're doing a double set tomorrow! Martin: [o.s.] Yeah, yeah... Daphne enters her room and closes the door. Daphne: Grumpy old sod... Daphne goes into her bathroom to wash her hands. Frasier walks out of the wardrobe and heads for the door, but Daphne walks back in, making Frasier rush back into the wardrobe. Through the slats in the closet door he can see into the room. Daphne then begins humming "The Blue Danube" as she does her routine. She swallows one of her pills with a glass of water, then begins to undress. Frasier, mortified, turns away as she takes her underwear off and slings them into the cupboard. She reaches her hand in, searching for something, so Frasier hurries up the process by passing over her dressing gown. She puts this on whilst Frasier closes the wardrobe door. Daphne goes to shut the wardrobe door and sees it already is. She just thinks she already closed it. Then she heads for the bathroom, so Frasier again tries to head to the door. However, Daphne comes out again so he ducks behind the bed. She moves over to that side of the bed, so he runs over to the other side, where she doesn't notice him. After putting her eye drops in and untying her hair she heads to the wardrobe to take out some towels. Frasier hurries off into the bathroom out of sight. With the towels, Daphne waddles into the bathroom, still humming. Frasier is hiding behind the door, as Daphne disrobes herself and gets into the shower. Eddie comes running in and begins drinking from the toilet. Daphne sees him. Daphne: [to Eddie:] What are you doing? It's disgusting, you filthy thing. Frasier is horrified, thinking she's seen him. Daphne: Get out of here right now, get out! Frasier: Daphne, I'm so sorry! Daphne SCREAMS loudly, causing Frasier to run out, also screaming. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Café Nervosa The following day, Frasier is sat at a table. Niles prances in, a little bit full of himself because of some events the night before in the Maris Mansion. Niles: Good morning, Frasier! Niles snags a passing waitress. Niles: Cara mia, uno mezzo latte decaffinato, and a bran muffin. No, no... [kisses her hand] due bran muffins. [to Frasier] Maris and I burned up a lot of energy last night - [gleefully] a LOT of energy! - and I have to replenish my body. [laughs] Frasier: I assume you and Maris achieved détente. Niles: Twice! Frasier: What magic words did you use to melt your little glacier? Niles: I got home, I sat her down, I stared deeply into her eyes... and I said, "Maris, here are the keys to your new Mercedes." Frasier: You bought her a Mercedes? Niles: [happily] Yes - oh, the things that tiny woman can do when she's properly motivated. Frasier: If you're through marinating in your own testosterone, I have a problem. Remember last night I went back into Daphne's room? Well, she caught me again. Niles: You're joking! Frasier: I was just so embarrassed I had to leave this morning before she woke up. I left a little note, trying to explain my actions. Considering the circumstances, I don't think there's any way she can forgive me! Niles: Oh, come now. It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something. Frasier looks at his feet, Niles can't believe it. Niles: You did! Frasier: But I took no pleasure in it at all! The entire thing was just absolutely mortifying! Niles: Frasier, I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything. Every sight, every sound - Frasier, unburden yourself before you explode! [he says about to explode himself] Frasier: No, Niles, no! Niles takes out a pen and grabs a napkin. Niles: Alright then, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong! Frasier pushes away the napkin as Roz arrives and sits with both of them. Roz: Hey, guys! Frasier: Hi, Roz. Niles: Hello. Frasier: Good to see you. As Roz sits between them, she senses something from Niles. Roz: So Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you? [Niles reacts] I can always tell. [looks at Frasier] Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody. [to waitress] Can I have a non- fat cap, please? Niles: Roz, this was a private conversation, I'm helping my brother with a matter of some delicacy. Roz: Don't worry, Shower Boy told me all about it. Frasier: I just don't see that there's any way I can make it up to Daphne. Niles: Well, nothing says I'm sorry like a in-dash CD player and a passenger side airbag! Frasier: [to Roz:] Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes. Roz: Woof! Frasier: [to Niles:] And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out! Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward? Frasier: Yes! Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey! Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes. Frasier: Oh Roz, don't encourage him, I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts! Niles: Oh really, and during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?! Niles and Frasier argue over this as Roz laughs, until it FADES OUT. PEACE AT ANY COST Scene Five - Apartment - Night. In Frasier's living room, Martin needs some advice as Frasier comes in the front door. Martin: Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm glad to see you. I need some advice. I've got this son who's a total numbnut. Frasier: Hello, dad. Love your icebreaker! Martin: You'd better get her to stay, Frasier. She knows my moods, she's knows how to handle me, and I like her. Frasier: She's talking about quitting? Martin: Yes, so get in there and apologize! Frasier: Oh dad, I can't go in there! Martin: No, of course you can't, because I asked you to go in there. When I said, "don't go in there" what did you do? You went in there. Now I say go in there and you won't! That's what I like about Eddie, he always does what I tell him to. Come on, Eddie. As Martin exits, Eddie tries to follow him, but Frasier holds him by the tail. Frasier: [laughing] He's defying you too, dad! Daphne has entered without Frasier noticing. When he does, she makes a beeline for the door. Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, please, please wait, we've gotta talk. I feel absolutely terrible. Daphne: [sympathetic] Oh, now, Dr. Crane, your note explained everything, you've got nothing to feel bad about. Frasier: That puts my mind at ease. Daphne: [sarcastic] A servant like me doesn't deserve privacy anyway! Matter of fact, why don't we just get it all out in the open? Daphne throws her bag's contents onto the table. Daphne: Here's my bank book, some personal letters, oh and my driver's license. As you can see, I'm four pounds heavier now, but it's in a spot that doesn't really show... TO MOST PEOPLE! Frasier: Oh look, Daphne, I realize how hard it is to live in someone else's home. Daphne: Yes, it is! But I put up with it, because I happen to love this job. All I ever asked for was one room, a little corner I could call my own. I never minded if I was up to my eyeballs in your precious earth tones and your African knick-knacks, but now I have to put up with you in there, too. And that's one leering love god too many! Frasier: Oh Daphne, you're absolutely right, you do deserve a place of your own. Listen if you agree to stay, [desperate:] I'll I'll have your room redecorated. Just make it your own. Paint, wallpaper, upholstery, anything you'd like. Just so you feel comfortable. Daphne: How about an electrified fence and a German police dog? Frasier: Daphne, I promise, as long as we live under the same roof together, I will never ever set foot in your room again. Daphne: [pauses] Alright. Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: I'll give it another try. The doorbell sounds, Daphne answers it to Niles. Niles: Hello, all. Frasier: Ah, Niles! Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. [to Frasier] Goodbye, Dr. Crane. Niles: Oh, where are you off to? Daphne: I have some shopping to do. Your brother just offered to pay to have my room re-decorated. Niles: [slyly:] Oh, really? Daphne: I'm thinking of doing the whole thing in pinks and yellows. She exits. Frasier: Dear God, she's really determined to keep me out of there. Niles: So, you're putting things right with Daphne by opening up your checkbook? Frasier: Oh, I know what you're thinking, and believe me, it's just a gesture. He pours sherries for himself and Niles. Niles: Oh, I see. I give Maris a car, it's a bribe. When you re-decorate Daphne's room, it's a gesture. Frasier: Niles, our two situations are entirely different. You bought Maris off because you are afraid of her. Niles: Oh I see, and you're not the slightest bit intimidated by Daphne? Frasier: No. Niles: Then you wouldn't be at all alarmed if I were to, say, do this. [runs to the hallway] Frasier: But... Niles! Niles, where are you going? CUT TO: Hallway Niles runs up to the corridor outside Daphne's room and opens the door. He puts his foot over the door line. Niles: Oh look, my foot's in Daphne's room. Frasier: Just get out of there. Niles: [pulls his foot back] What's the matter? Are you afraid you'll get... [jumps across the threshold] in trouble? Frasier: Niles... Niles: [jumps back out] Now we're safe. Frasier: Oh, stop it! Niles: [in] Trouble. [out] Safe. [in] Trouble. [out] Safe. Frasier: Niles, you're acting like a child! Niles: [more rapidly] Trouble, safe, trouble, safe, trouble, safe! Frasier is getting extremely hot under the collar because of this. He tries to stop him, until Niles knocks over Daphne's jewelry tree, spilling her necklaces and earrings all over the carpet. Frasier: Oh my God, no! You see what you've done now! She's bound to find out! Niles: Well, [snooping around] so you'll just write her a bigger, fatter check. Frasier: No, Niles, she'll quit! Niles: WHAT?! Why didn't you say something- Turning around in shock, Niles spills his sherry on the bed, causing them both to panic further. Niles grabs a towel from the bottom of a pile of Daphne's laundry, scattering it everywhere, and looking for more things to cover the stain. He ends up in Daphne's underwear and nightie drawer, and starts flinging her under-clothes onto the bed. Martin comes in to see what the upset is, and Eddie follows him. Martin: What the hell are you two doing in here?! Frasier: It's all Niles's fault! Niles: It is not! Frasier: Never mind, just help us clean up this mess! Martin falls onto the bed trying to mop up the sherry, and Niles, who is still throwing underwear, throws it on Martin. Daphne appears in the doorway and freezes as she takes in the scene along with the camera: - Frasier on the floor, pawing through her jewelry - Martin on her bed underneath her lingerie - Niles shielding himself from her stare with one of her nighties - Eddie sitting up with one of her bras in his teeth [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Car Dealership Lot It isn't long before Daphne and Frasier are at a car salesroom. Daphne is sitting inside a large blue Mustang convertible, wearing a head scarf similar to Louise's from "Thelma and Louise." Eddie is sitting in the passenger seat. Daphne: [as the hood retracts, happily] Oooooh! Frasier: Daphne, did you happen to see that sporty little sub-compact over there? I bet you could park that anywhere. Daphne rises in her seat and peers over the windscreen. Daphne: Is that a Mercedes dealership across the street? Frasier pushes her back down. END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:30) [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne enters her room, now a little bit paranoid. She checks to see if anyone's lurking in the bathroom, then checks under the bed, and she also makes sure no-one's in the wardrobe. Just as she's about to shower she spots something under the towels on her bed; it's Eddie. She shouts at him and he runs out at once.
Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who retrieves a book from Daphne's room while she's out? A: Daphne; Q: Who is upset that Frasier took a book from her room? A: her privacy; Q: What does Daphne want him to respect? Summary: Frasier retrieves a book from Daphne's room while she's out, and she is displeased when she finds out. Although he agrees to respect her privacy, he finds himself there again, while trying to return some medication which he took previously.
INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM A siren wails. In the smoky room, men and women in RAF uniforms are manning the phones and radio headsets as they keep track of an ongoing battle. MALE OFFICER: Can't we shut that ruddy thing up? WOMAN #1:(into headset) If wishes were kisses... Hostile 36, confirm. MALE OFFICER: Able Victor Charlie down. A second woman enters with a clipboard. WOMAN #2: 26 and 41 detailed to intercept. WOMAN #1: 41? (removes headset) That's... that's Reg's squadron. CHURCHILL enters the room and everyone stands to attention. WOMAN #2: Sir. CHURCHILL: How many? MALE OFFICER: Looks like a dozen Heinkel at least, sir. With Messerschmidts flanking. CHURCHILL: Out of range? WOMAN #1: Normally, sir, yes. CHURCHILL: (puffs on cigar) Well, then. Time to roll out the secret weapon! The first woman nods, and with a long stick, pushes the figure of a Dalek across the map. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "Victory of the Daleks" by Mark Gatiss Producer Peter Bennett Director Andrew Gunn [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, STORAGE ROOM The TARDIS materializes. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, CHURCHILL'S OFFICE CHURCHILL is working at his desk when a buzzer sounds. He smiles. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, STORAGE ROOM The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS and has soldiers pointing guns at him. The soldiers part for CHURCHILL. DOCTOR: Amy... (holds out arm in introduction) Winston Churchill. CHURCHILL: Doctor? Is it you? AMY steps out and stares at CHURCHILL in amazement. DOCTOR: Oh, Winston, my old friend! (goes to shake hands but CHURCHILL motions with his hand that he wants something) Ah, every time! AMY: What's he after? DOCTOR: TARDIS key, of course. CHURCHILL: Think of what I could achieve with your remarkable machine, Doctor! The lives that could be saved! DOCTOR: Ah, doesn't work like that. (closes TARDIS door) CHURCHILL: Must I take it by force? DOCTOR: I'd like to see you try. CHURCHILL: At ease. (soldiers lower their rifles) DOCTOR: You rang? INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR, AMY and CHURCHILL stride through the corridor as an air raid happens above. The DOCTOR has CHURCHILL'S cane. CHURCHILL: So you've changed your face, again. DOCTOR: Yeah, well, had a bit of work done. AMY: Got it, got it, got it! Cabinet War Rooms, right? DOCTOR: Yup. Top secret heart of the War Office, right under London. CHURCHILL: You're late, by the way. WOMAN #1: (hands CHURCHILL a clipboard and pen) Requisitions, sir. CHURCHILL: Excellent. DOCTOR: Late? CHURCHILL: I rang you a month ago. (signs papers) DOCTOR: Really? Sorry. Sorry, it's a Type 40 TARDIS. I'm just running her in. CHURCHILL: (hands clipboard back) Something the matter, Breen? You look a little down in the dumps. BREEN: (hugs clipboard) No, sir. Fine, sir. CHURCHILL: Action this day, Breen! Action this day! BREEN: Yes, sir. (nods, forces a smile and casts a glance AMY'S way before leaving) OFFICER: Excuse me, sir, got another formation coming in, Prime Minister. Stukas, by the look of them. CHURCHILL: We shall go up top then, Group Captain! We'll give 'em what for! Coming, Doctor? DOCTOR: Why? CHURCHILL: (snatches back cane) I have something to show you. The DOCTOR mouths "Oooh" to AMY and she giggles. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, LIFT CHURCHILL starts the lift and puffs on his cigar. The DOCTOR waves the smoke away. AMY stands to the back. CHURCHILL: We stand at a crossroads, Doctor. Quite alone, with our backs to the wall. Invasion is expected daily. So I will grasp with both hands anything that will give us an advantage over the Nazi menace. DOCTOR: Such as? The lift stops and CHURCHILL opens the gate. CHURCHILL: Follow me. EXT. NEW PUBLIC OFFICES, ROOFTOP, DAY Amidst the sandbags on the roof, a man in a white coat is watching the sky with binoculars. The DOCTOR and AMY follow CHURCHILL. AMY: Wow! CHURCHILL: Doctor, this is Professor Edwin Bracewell, head of our Ironsides Project. The DOCTOR holds up his hand with a "V for Victory". BRACEWELL: How d'you do? (waves at them then looks through binoculars again) A formation of German planes are approaching. The DOCTOR and AMY walk towards the edge and look out over London and its barrage balloons as the bombs drop. AMY: Oh, Doctor... Doctor, it's... DOCTOR: History. CHURCHILL: Ready, Bracewell? BRACEWELL: Aye-aye, sir. (gives "thumbs up") On my order! Fire! From within a sandbagged area on the room, laser beams are fired at the German planes and they're destroyed. AMY: What was that? DOCTOR: That wasn't human, that was never human technology. That sounded like... Show me! Show me what that was! (climbs ladder to stand by BRACEWELL) BRACEWELL: Advance! CHURCHILL: Our new secret weapon! A Dalek trundles out. It is painted in Army khaki, a utility belt around it, a small Union Flag under the eyestalk and the lights on the top of the dome are covered. The DOCTOR watches, horrified. CHURCHILL: What do you think? Quite something, eh? DOCTOR: (Dalek POV) What are you doing here? DALEK: I am your soldier. DOCTOR: What? DALEK: I am your soldier. DOCTOR: Stop this. (Dalek POV) Stop now! You know who I am, you always know. DALEK: Your identity is unknown. BRACEWELL: Perhaps I can clarify things here, this is one of my Ironsides. DOCTOR: Your what? BRACEWELL: (to Dalek) You will help the Allied cause in any way that you can? DALEK: Yes. BRACEWELL: Until the Germans have been utterly smashed? DALEK: Yes. BRACEWELL: And what is your ultimate aim? DALEK: To win the war! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, CHURCHILL'S OFFICE The DOCTOR looks at the diagrams and blueprints that clearly show a Dalek. DOCTOR: They're Daleks! They're called Daleks! CHURCHILL: They are Bracewell's Ironsides, Doctor! Look! Blueprints, statistics, field-tests, photographs. He invented them! DOCTOR: Invented them? Oh, no, no, no! CHURCHILL: Yes! He approached one of our brass hats a few months ago. Fella's a genius. AMY: A Scottish genius, too. Maybe you should listen to... DOCTOR: Shh! He didn't invent them! They're alien. CHURCHILL: Alien? A Dalek glides by the open doorway and the DOCTOR senses its presence, looking over his shoulder. The Dalek views the action in the room before continuing on. DOCTOR: And totally hostile! CHURCHILL: Precisely. They will win me the war! (turns over a blueprint to show a propaganda poster with a large Dalek) INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, CORRIDOR DOCTOR: Why won't you listen? Why call me in if you won't listen to me?! CHURCHILL: When I rang you a month ago, I must admit, I had my doubts. The Ironsides seemed too good to be true. DOCTOR: Yes! Right! So destroy them! Exterminate them! CHURCHILL: But imagine what I could do with a hundred! A thousand! DOCTOR: I am imagining. (A courier Dalek passes them) Amy, tell him. AMY: Tell him what? DOCTOR: About the Daleks! AMY: What would I know about the Daleks? DOCTOR: Everything. They invaded your world, remember? Planets in the sky, you don't forget that! Amy... Tell me you remember the Daleks. AMY: Nope, sorry. DOCTOR: That's not possible. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM Women are manning the radios and moving the figures on the map as required. BREEN: And 6... 2357, over! 2357, over! A Dalek glides past the DOCTOR and AMY as they enter. DOCTOR: So they're up to something, but what is it? What are they after? AMY: Well, let's just ask, shall we? (walks over to the Dalek) DOCTOR: Amy... Amelia! AMY taps on the Dalek's casing and it swivels to focus its eyestalk on her DALEK: Can I be of assistance? AMY: Oh. Yes. Yes! See, my friend reckons you're dangerous. (Dalek POV) That you're an alien. Is it true? DALEK: I am your soldier. The DOCTOR watches thoughtfully. AMY: Yeah. Got that bit. Love a squaddie. What else, though? DALEK: Please excuse me. I have duties to perform. The DOCTOR goes over to CHURCHILL and takes the cigar from the Prime Minister's mouth. DOCTOR: Winston, Winston, please. CHURCHILL: We are waging total war, Doctor! Day after day, the Luftwaffe pound this great city like an iron fist. DOCTOR: Wait till the Daleks get started. CHURCHILL: Men, women and children slaughtered. Families torn apart. Wren's churches in flames. DOCTOR: Yeah? Try the Earth in flames! CHURCHILL: I weep for my country, I weep for my empire. It is breaking my heart. (moves around the table) DOCTOR: (follows CHURCHILL) But you're resisting, Winston! The whole world knows you're resisting! You're a beacon of hope. CHURCHILL: (signs more papers) But for how long? Millions of innocent lives will be saved if I use these Ironsides now! DALEK: Can I be of assistance? DOCTOR: (to Dalek) Shut it! (to CHURCHILL) Listen to me. Just listen! The Daleks have no conscience, no mercy, no pity. They are my oldest and deadliest enemy. You cannot trust them! CHURCHILL: If Hitler invaded hell, I would give a favourable reference to the Devil! These machines are our salvation! (siren sounds) Oh, the all-clear. We are safe. For now. (leaves) The DOCTOR stares at the Dalek before it, too, turns away and leaves. AMY: Doctor, it's the all-clear. Are you OK? DOCTOR: (twisting an officer's cap in his hands) What does hate look like, Amy? AMY: Hate? DOCTOR: It looks like a Dalek. And I'm going to prove it. (tosses cap before putting it on a desk as he walks out) INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, BRACEWELL'S LAB BRACEWELL is working at his desk and a few technicians are working nearby. A Dalek glides up to him. DALEK: Would you care for some tea? BRACEWELL: That would be very nice. Thank you. The DOCTOR and AMY stride in and the DOCTOR begins checking everything out. DOCTOR: All right, Prof! The PM's been filling me in. Amazing things, these Ironsides of yours. Amazing. You must be very proud of them. BRACEWELL: Just doing my bit. AMY: (picks up spanner) Not bad for a Paisley boy. The DOCTOR sits on a chair and begins to read a file. BRACEWELL: Yes, I thought I detected a familiar cadence, my dear. DOCTOR: How did you do it? Come up with the idea? BRACEWELL: How does the muse of invention come to anyone? DOCTOR: (tosses file onto desk behind him) But you get a lot of these clever notions, do you? BRACEWELL: Well, ideas just seem to teem from my head! Wonderful things! Like... let me show you. (shows them files) Some musings on the potential of hypersonic flight. Gravity bubbles that could sustain life outside of the terrestrial atmosphere! Came to me in the bath! DOCTOR: And are these your ideas or theirs? BRACEWELL: No, no, no, no. These robots are entirely under my control, Doctor. They are...(a Dalek brings his tea) Thank you...the perfect servant, and the perfect warrior. DOCTOR: I don't know what you're up to, Professor, but whatever they've promised, you cannot trust them! Call them what you like, the Daleks are death! CHURCHILL: (enters followed by another Dalek) Yes, Doctor. Death to our enemies! Death to the forces of darkness, and death to the Third Reich! DOCTOR: Yes, Winston, and death to everyone else too! DALEK: Would you care for some tea? DOCTOR: (upsets tray and cup causing them to fall to the floor) Stop this! What are you doing here? What do you want? DALEK: We seek only to help you. DOCTOR: To do what? DALEK: To win the war. DOCTOR: Really? Which war? DALEK: I do not understand. DOCTOR: This war, against the Nazis? Or your war? The war against the rest of the Universe? The war against all life-forms that are not Dalek? DALEK: I do not understand. (Dalek pov) I am your soldier. DOCTOR: (Dalek POV) Oh, yeah? OK. (normal POV)(the DOCTOR turns around and picks up a giant spanner) OK, soldier, defend yourself! (bangs spanner against Dalek) BRACEWELL: Doctor, what the devil...?! DALEK: You do not require tea? The DOCTOR keeps striking the Dalek. BRACEWELL: Stop it! Prime Minister, please! CHURCHILL: Doctor, please, these machines are precious. DOCTOR: Come on! Fight back! You want to, don't you? You know you do! BRACEWELL: I must protest! DOCTOR: What are you waiting for? You hate me. You want to kill me. Well, go on! Kill me. Kill me! (strikes again) AMY: Doctor, be careful! (pushes him back) DALEK: Please desist from striking me. I am your soldier. DOCTOR: You are my enemy! (punctuates sentence with hits) And I am yours! You are everything I despise! The worst thing in all creation. I've defeated you time and time again, I've defeated you. I sent you back into the void! I saved the whole of reality from you! I am the Doctor! And you are the Daleks! (kicks the Dalek and it rolls backwards) DALEK: Correct. (Dalek POV) Review testimony. DOCTOR: (on playback) 'I am the Doctor. And you are the Daleks!' (real) Testimony? What are you talking about, testimony? DALEK #2: Transmitting testimony now. DOCTOR: Transmit what, where? SPACE A Dalek spaceship is hiding on the far side of the moon. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP A Dalek has its "plunger" arm attached to what seems to be a receiver. DALEK #3: Receiving testimony now. A small Dalek-shaped device is suspended by two metal bars in a cubicle. The DOCTOR'S voice echoes through the room as the testimony repeats. Lights on the device begin to flash and it beeps. DALEK #3: Progenitor activated. Testimony accepted! Testimony accepted! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, BRACEWELL'S LAB DALEK #2: Testimony accepted! DOCTOR: Get back! All of you! CHURCHILL: Marines! Marines! Get in here! Two Marines enter and one of the Daleks kills them. BRACEWELL: Stop it! Stop it, please! What are you doing? (Dalek POV) You are my Ironsides! DALEK #1: We are the Daleks! BRACEWELL: But I created you! DALEK #1: No. (shoots off BRACEWELL'S hand revealing a stump of wires and circuits) We created you! DALEKS:(in unison) Victory! Victory! Victory! (teleport to ship) AMY: What just happened, Doctor? DOCTOR: I wanted to know what they wanted, what their plan was. I was their plan! (runs out of the room) AMY: Hey! INT. DALEK SPACESHIP The Progenitor device is flashing faster. The two Daleks from the Cabinet War Rooms joins the third. DALEK #3: Commencing Phase Two. The Progenitor is activated! It begins! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, STORAGE ROOM The DOCTOR enters the room and a rush and goes down the stairs towards the TARDIS DOCTOR: "Testimony accepted!" That's what they said! My testimony. AMY: (follows) Don't beat yourself up. You were right. (the DOCTOR unlocks the TARDIS) What do we do? Is this what we do now? Chase after them? DOCTOR: This is what I do. It's dangerous, so wait here. CHURCHILL comes to stand behind AMY. AMY: What, so you mean I've got to stay safe down here in the middle of the London Blitz? DOCTOR: Safe as it gets around me. (waves and steps into the TARDIS) AMY and CHURCHILL watch as the TARDIS dematerializes. AMY: What does he expect us to do now? CHURCHILL: KBO, of course. AMY: What? CHURCHILL: Keep buggering on! INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR works the controls before checking the monitor. The Dalek ship appears. DOCTOR: Bingo! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, STORAGE ROOM BREEN enters with a communiqué. BREEN: Prime Minister. CHURCHILL: Yes? BREEN: (hands him the paper) Signal from RDF, sir. Unidentified object. Hanging in the sky, Captain Childers says. We can't get a proper fix, though. It's too far up. CHURCHILL: What do you think, Miss Pond? The Doctor's in trouble and now we know where he is. AMY: Yeah. Cos he'll be on that ship, won't he? Right in the middle of everything. CHURCHILL: Exactly! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NEW PUBLIC OFFICES, ROOFTOP, NIGHT An Air Raid Warden is watching from the rooftop as more bombs fall. Someone violates the blackout. WARDEN: Oi! Put that light out! The light is switched off. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP The three Daleks watch as the Progenitor device continues to run its programmed course. DALEK #1: The final phase commences, channel all reserve power to Progenitor. The TARDIS materializes and the three Daleks swivel their top sections to see the DOCTOR emerge rubbing his hands. DOCTOR: How about that cuppa now, then? DALEK #1: It is the Doctor! Exterminate! DOCTOR: Wait, wait, wait, I wouldn't if I were you! (pulls out a small round object and holds it out in front of him) TARDIS self-destruct. And you know what that means. My ship goes, you all go with it. DALEK #2: You would not use such a device. DOCTOR: Try me. (DALEK #1 moves forward) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. No scans! No nothing! One move and I'll destroy us all, you got that? TARDIS bang-bang, Daleks boom! (DALEK #1 moves back) Good boy. (looks at the Daleks' instrument panels) This ship's pretty beaten up - running on empty, I'd say, like you. When we last met, you were at the end of your rope. Finished. DALEK #2: One ship survived. DOCTOR: And you fell back through time, yes? Crippled? Dying? DALEK #2: We picked up a trace. One of the Progenitor devices. DOCTOR: Progenitor? What's that when it's at home? DALEK #2: It is our past. And our future. DOCTOR: Ohhh, that's deep. That is deep for a Dalek. What does it mean, though? DALEK #3: It contains pure Dalek DNA, thousands were created, all were lost, save one. DOCTOR: OK, but there's still one thing I don't get, though - if you've got the Progenitor, why build Bracewell? DALEK #2: It was... necessary. DOCTOR: But why? I get it. Oh, I get it! I get it. Oh, ho, this is rich! The Progenitor wouldn't recognise you, would it? It saw you as impure, the DNA is unrecognisable as Dalek. DALEK #2: A solution was devised. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. Me. My testimony. So you set a trap, you knew that the Progenitor would recognise me. The Daleks' greatest enemy! It would accept my word. My recognition of you. (DALEK #2 turns to the instrument panel behind it) No, no, no. What are you doing? (holds out object again) DALEK #3: Withdraw now, Doctor, or the city dies in flames. DOCTOR: Who are you kidding? This ship is a wreck, you don't have the power to destroy London. DALEK #2: Watch as the humans destroy themselves. SPACE The Dalek ship lowers a dish which then collects and sends a stream of energy towards London EXT. NEW PUBLIC OFFICES, ROOFTOP, NIGHT The WARDEN watches, stunned, as lights come on all over the city. WARDEN: What the...? No! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM One of the officers tries to turn off the lights OFFICER: The generators won't switch off! The lights are on all across London, Prime Minister! AMY: Has to be them. Has to be the Daleks. CHURCHILL: The Germans can see every inch of the city. We're sitting ducks. Get those lights out before the Germans get here! (OFFICER goes to check generators) WOMAN #2: (into radio) Confirm, Squadron 244 and 56 mobilised. BREEN: (into radio) Emergency, emergency, 109? 109, confirm? CHURCHILL: Thousands will die if we don't get those lights out now. BREEN: German bombers sighted over the Channel, sir. ETA 10 minutes, sir. CHURCHILL: Here they come. Get a message to Mr Attlee. War Cabinet meeting at 0300--if we're all still here. AMY: We can't just sit here! We've got to take the fight to the Daleks! CHURCHILL: How? None of our weapons are a match for theirs. AMY: Oh, look, we must have something. Oh! Staring us in the face! A gift! From the Daleks! INT. DALEK SPACESHIP DOCTOR: Turn those lights off now. Turn London off or I swear I will use the TARDIS self-destruct! DALEK #2: Stalemate, Doctor. Leave us, and return to Earth. DOCTOR: Oh, that's it? That's your great victory? You leave? DALEK #2: Extinction is not an option. We shall return to our own time and begin again. DOCTOR: No, no, no! I won't let you get away this time! I won't! There is a mechanical "whoosh" and then a soft thrumming. DALEK #3: We have succeeded - DNA reconstruction is complete. The Daleks glide back from the cubicle which is enveloped in red energy. The doors slide open amidst sparks. DALEK #2: Observe, Doctor, a new Dalek paradigm! The DOCTOR watches as new, larger Daleks emerge from the smoke and steam, each a different color: white, blue, yellow, orange and red DALEK #2: The Progenitor has fulfilled our new destiny. Behold, the restoration of the Daleks! The resurrection of the master race! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, BRACEWELL'S LAB BRACEWELL is holding a revolver in his remaining hand and is about to place it to his head when AMY and CHURCHILL enter. CHURCHILL: Bracewell! Put the gun down! BRACEWELL: My life is a lie, and I choose to end it. AMY: In your own time, Paisley boy, (AMY stands next to him) because right now we need your help. BRACEWELL: But those creatures...my Ironsides...they made me? I... I can remember things, so many things. The last war-- The squalor and the mud and the awful, awful misery of it all. What am I? What am I? CHURCHILL: What you are, sir, is either on our side, or theirs. Now, I don't give a damn if you're a machine, Bracewell... Are you a man? AMY: Listen to me. I understand. Really, I do. (gently takes gun from BRACEWELL'S hand) Look, there is a spaceship up there lighting up London like a Christmas tree. Thousands of people will die tonight if we don't stop it, and you're the only one who can help take it down. BRACEWELL: I am? AMY: You're alien technology. You're as clever as the Daleks are, so start thinking! What about rockets? You got rockets? Cos you said gravity whatsits, hypersonic flight, some kind of missile. CHURCHILL: This isn't a fireworks party, Miss Pond! We need proper tactical... A missile... or...? AMY: Or what? CHURCHILL: We could send something up there, you say? BRACEWELL: With a gravity bubble, yes. (shows CHURCHILL the plans) Theoretically it's possible we could actually send something into space. CHURCHILL: Bracewell... It's time to think big! SPACE The beam from the Dalek ship is still firing on London. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP DALEK #1: All hail the new Daleks! All hail the new Daleks! WHITE DALEK: Yes, you are inferior! DALEK #1: Yes. WHITE DALEK: Then prepare. DALEKS 1-3: We are ready! WHITE DALEK: Cleanse the unclean! Total obliteration! Disintegrate! The BLUE DALEK fires upon DALEKS #1 and #3 and the RED DALEK shoots DALEK #2. DOCTOR: Blimey, what do you do to the ones who mess up? WHITE DALEK: You are the Doctor! You must be exterminated! DOCTOR: (pulls out "TARDIS self-destruct) (Dalek POV) Don't mess with me, sweetheart! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM BREEN and others are on their radio headphones, maneuvering representations of flying squadrons. Dust falls from the ceiling at the city above them is bombed. TANNOY: 'Advancing bombers approaching in strike formation. Incendiary bombs have hit the East End of London. ' BRACEWELL, his arm in a sling, enters with a device on a wheeled office chair. He also has a homemade headset on. CHURCHILL: At last! Are they ready? BRACEWELL: I hope so. But in the meantime... (places device on desk. It has a screen with control knobs) This will pick up Dalek transmissions. (slaps the side) The DOCTOR and the WHITE DALEK appear on the small black and white screen. WHITE DALEK: (over receiver) 'We are the paradigm of a new Dalek race. ' AMY: It's him! It's the Doctor! WHITE DALEK: (on screen) Scientist, Strategist INT. DALEK SPACESHIP WHITE DALEK: Drone, Eternal, and the Supreme. DOCTOR: Which would be you, I'm guessing? Well, you know, nice paint job. I'd be feeling pretty swish if I looked like you. Pretty "Supre-eme INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM AMY: He's got company. New company. We've got to hurry up! A phone rings and BRACEWELL answers. BRACEWELL: Yes? Right. Right, thanks! (hangs up phone) Ready when you are, Prime Minister. CHURCHILL: Splendid! BRACEWELL: (ship appears on the screen) Spaceship's exact co-ordinates located! CHURCHILL: Go to it, Group Captain! Go to it! GROUP CAPTAIN: Broadsword to Danny Boy! Broadsword to Danny Boy! Scramble! Scramble! Scramble! INT. DALEK SPACESHIP DOCTOR: Question is, what do we do now? Either you turn off your clever machine or I'll blow you and your new paradigm into eternity. (the BLUE DALEK is scanning the DOCTOR) WHITE DALEK: And yourself. DOCTOR: Occupational hazard. BLUE DALEK: Scan reveals nothing! TARDIS self-destruct device non-existent! DOCTOR: All right, (bites cookie) it's a Jammy Dodger, but I was promised tea! A siren sounds. The BLUE DALEK goes to the scanner. BLUE DALEK: Alert! Unidentified projectile approaching! (the DOCTOR looks at a second scanner) Correction. Multiple projectiles! WHITE DALEK: What have the humans done? DOCTOR: I don't know. WHITE DALEK: Explain! Explain! Explain! PILOT: (over radio) Danny Boy to the Doctor! Danny Boy to the Doctor! Are you receiving me? Over. DOCTOR: (stands and looks up) Oh, Winston! You beauty! SPACE The RAF has sent up fighter planes to attack the Dalek ship PILOT: Danny Boy to the Doctor! Come in. Over. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP DOCTOR: Loud and clear, Danny Boy! Big dish, side of the ship, blow it up! Over! WHITE DALEK: Exterminate the Doctor! The DOCTOR escapes to the TARDIS as the Daleks fire. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM CHURCHILL: You heard him, Group Captain! Target that dish! Send in all we've got! AMY watches the action on the screen of BRACEWELL'S receiver. SPACE, ALONGSIDE "DANNY BOY" GROUP CAPTAIN: (over radio) 4-4 to Danny Boy, target the dish and stop that signal. PILOT: Over. Understood, sir. Over. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM PILOT: (over radio) 'You can count on us! Over. ' WOMAN: Oh, good luck, lads! SPACE PILOT: OK, chaps, let's put London back under cover of darkness. Tally ho! The squadron begins firing on the Dalek ship and the dish. PILOT: Cover my back, going in close! (the Dalek ship fires back) Pull out, pull out. One of the RAF planes is shot down. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM Everyone possible is gathered around the screen listening in. PILOT: (over radio) We've lost Jubilee, sir! Over. BREEN looks on in worry. GROUP CAPTAIN: Beam still active, sir. CHURCHILL: Then send them in again! SPACE The planes regroup and attack again. PILOT: 'Flintlock's down sir, and the dish seems to be protected. Over. ' INT. DALEK SPACESHIP BLUE DALEK: Shields intact, pulse still active. SPACE PILOT: Danny Boy to the Doctor... only me left now. INT. TARDIS PILOT: (over radio) Anything you can do, sir? Over. The DOCTOR picks up a small microphone and speaks into it. DOCTOR: The Doctor to Danny Boy... The Doctor to Danny Boy. SPACE DOCTOR: (over radio) I can disrupt the Dalek shields, but not for long. Over. PILOT: Good show, Doctor, go to it. Over. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR starts the TARDIS INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM PILOT: (over radio) 'Going in, wish me luck. Over. ' SPACE "Danny Boy" makes another approach. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR frantically works the controls. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP YELLOW DALEK: Shields de-activated! SPACE "Danny Boy" destroys the beam. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP RED DALEK: Energy pulse destroyed! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM GROUP CAPTAIN: Direct hit, sir! Everyone cheers. EXT. NEW PUBLIC OFFICES, ROOFTOP, NIGHT The WARDEN watches as the lights go out and sighs in relief. WARDEN: Thank the Lord! (raises fist to sky) Do your worst, Adolf! SPACE PILOT: Danny Boy to the Doctor...going in for another attack. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: The Doctor to Danny Boy. The Doctor to Danny Boy. Destroy this ship! Over. SPACE PILOT: What about you, Doctor? INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: I'll be OK. The White Dalek appears on the monitor. WHITE DALEK: Doctor! Call off your attack! DOCTOR: Ah-ha, what? And let you scuttle off back to the future? No fear. This is the end for you. The final end! WHITE DALEK: Call off the attack, or we will destroy the Earth. DOCTOR: I'm not stupid, mate! You've just played your last card! WHITE DALEK: Bracewell is a bomb. DOCTOR: You're bluffing. Deception's second nature to you. There isn't a sincere bone in your body. There isn't a bone in your body! WHITE DALEK: His power is derived from an Oblivion Continuum! Call off your attack, or we will detonate the android. DOCTOR: No! This is my best chance ever! The last of the Daleks! I can rid the Universe of you, once and for all! WHITE DALEK: Then do it. But we will shatter the planet below! The Earth will die screaming! DOCTOR: And if I let you go, you'll be stronger than ever. A new race of Daleks. WHITE DALEK: Then choose, Doctor! Destroy the Daleks or save the Earth. Begin countdown of Oblivion Continuum! Choose, Doctor! Choose! Choose! DOCTOR: (picks up microphone) The Doctor to Danny Boy. The Doctor to Danny Boy. Withdraw. SPACE PILOT: Say again, sir. Over. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: Withdraw! Return to Earth. Over and out. SPACE PILOT: But sir...! DOCTOR: (over radio) There's no time, you have to return to Earth now! Over! INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR sets the coordinates for Earth. SPACE "Danny Boy" flies back to Earth. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, STORAGE ROOM The TARDIS materializes and the DOCTOR exits and runs out of the room. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP WHITE DALEK: The Doctor has failed. His compassion is his greatest weakness. Daleks have no such weakness. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM The DOCTOR runs in and punches BRACEWELL, knocking him to the ground. The DOCTOR shakes his hand in pain. AMY: (appalled) Doctor! DOCTOR: Ow! Sorry, Professor. You're a bomb! An inconceivably massive Dalek bomb. BRACEWELL: What? DOCTOR: There's an Oblivion Continuum inside you - a captured wormhole that provides perpetual power. Detonate that, and the Earth will bleed through into another dimension! (kneels beside him, pulls out sonic and opens BRACEWELL'S shirt) Now keep down! (uses sonic to reveal mechanics underneath skin) INT. DALEK SPACESHIP WHITE DALEK: Detonation sequence activated. Time corridor establishing... BLUE DALEK: Time jump in thirty rels! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM There is a circular pad divided into sections glowing blue on BRACEWELL'S chest. One section turns yellow. AMY: Well? DOCTOR: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno! (shakes screwdriver) Never seen one up close before! AMY: So, what, they've wired him up to detonate? DOCTOR: Not wired him up! He is a bomb. Walking, talking, (makes exploding sound effect) exploding! The moment that flashes red. AMY: There's... a blue wire or something you have to cut, isn't there? There's always a blue wire. (DOCTOR stands) Or a red one. DOCTOR: You're not helping! CHURCHILL: It's incredible. He talked to us about his memories. The Great War... DOCTOR: (tosses screwdriver hand to hand) Someone else's stolen thoughts, implanted in a positronic brain. Tell me about it. Bracewell! Tell me about your life! (kneels back down) BRACEWELL: Doctor, I really don't think this is the time! DOCTOR: Tell me and prove you're human. Tell me everything. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP Five sections of the "clock" are showing red. WHITE DALEK: Countdown proceeding. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM One section of BRACEWELL'S chest is red and the second yellow. BRACEWELL: My family ran the Post Office. It's a little place just near the abbey. Just by the ash trees. There used to be eight trees but...but there was a storm. DOCTOR: (tries to hurry him) And your parents? Come on! Tell me! BRACEWELL: Good people. Kind people. They... They died. Scarlet fever. DOCTOR: What was that like? How did it feel? BRACEWELL: Please... DOCTOR: How did it make you feel, Edwin? Tell me! Tell me now! BRACEWELL: It hurt. It hurts, Doctor, so badly. Like a wound. (the second section turns red and the third, yellow) It was worse than a wound. Like I'd been emptied out. There was nothing. DOCTOR: Good. Remember it now, Edwin! The ash trees by the Post Office and your mum and dad and losing them and men in the trenches you saw die... Remember it! Feel it, because you're human. (the third section turns red) You're not like them. You are not like the Daleks! BRACEWELL: It hurts! Doctor, it hurts so much! DOCTOR: Good! Good! Good! Brilliant! Embrace it. (the fourth section turns red) That means you're alive! They cannot explode that bomb, you're a human being! You are flesh and blood! They cannot explode that bomb! Believe it! You are Professor Edwin Bracewell! And you, my friend, are a human being! (the fifth section turns red) It's not working, I can't stop it! AMY: (kneels beside BRACEWELL) Hey... Paisley. Ever fancied someone you know you shouldn't? BRACEWELL: W... What? AMY: Hurts, doesn't it? (the last section remains yellow) But kind of a good hurt. BRACEWELL: I really shouldn't talk about her. AMY: Oh. There's a her. (the last section reverts to blue) DOCTOR: What was her name? BRACEWELL: Dorabella. DOCTOR: Dorabella? It's a lovely name, it's a beautiful name. AMY: What was she like, Edwin? BRACEWELL: (dreamy) Oh... Such a smile. And her eyes... Her eyes were so blue...Almost violet. Like the last touch of sunset on the edge of the world... Dorabella...(all sections revert to blue, disarming the bomb) INT. DALEK SPACESHIP The countdown reverts to zero as all sections go white and shuts down. BLUE DALEK: Oblivion Continuum... inactive. WHITE DALEK: Impossible! BLUE DALEK: Time jump imminent! Prepare! INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM DOCTOR: Welcome to the human race. (smiles at AMY) (to CHURCHILL) You're brilliant, (to BRACEWELL) you're brilliant... (to AMY) And you... (kisses her on the head and stands) Now, gotta stop them! Stop the Daleks! (runs out of the room) BRACEWELL: Wait! Doctor! Wait... Wait. (the DOCTOR stops as BRACEWELL sits up) It's too late. SPACE The Dalek ship flies by the Moon. INT. DALEK SPACESHIP WHITE DALEK: You will never defeat us, Doctor, we will return. BLUE DALEK: We will return! SPACE The Dalek ship uses some sort of warp drive and escapes. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM BRACEWELL: Gone. They've gone. DOCTOR: No, no, no! They can't! They can't have got away from me again! BRACEWELL: No, I can feel it, my mind is clear. The Daleks have gone. The DOCTOR leans against a pole, all energy suddenly drained. AMY: Doctor. It's OK! You did it. You stopped the bomb. Doctor? DOCTOR: I had a choice. And they knew I'd choose the Earth. The Daleks have won. They beat me. They've won. AMY: But you saved the Earth. Not too shabby, is it...? The DOCTOR looks at CHURCHILL and all the people in the room who all look back at him in support. AMY: Is it? DOCTOR: No. (smiles slowly) It's not too shabby. CHURCHILL: It's a brilliant achievement, my dear friend. Here, have a cigar! DOCTOR: No... (waves it off, still hurt from his loss) EXT. NEW PUBLIC OFFICES, ROOFTOP, DAY The WARDEN and a group of Marines raise the Union Flag. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, MAP ROOM AMY: So, what now, then? CHURCHILL: I still have a war to run, Miss Pond. WOMAN: (hands CHURCHILL communiqué) Prime Minister. CHURCHILL: Oh, thank you.(reads document) They hit the Palace and St Paul's again. Fire crews only just saved it. BREEN enters crying. AMY: Is she OK? CHURCHILL: What? AMY: She looks very upset. CHURCHILL: Oh, Miss Breen? Her young man didn't make it, I'm afraid. Just got word. Shot down over the Channel. AMY: Where's the Doctor? DOCTOR: (enters) Tying up loose ends. I've taken out all the alien tech Bracewell put in. CHURCHILL: Won't you reconsider, Doctor? Those Spitfires would win me the war in 24 hours! DOCTOR: Exactly. (sips tea) CHURCHILL: But why not? Why can't we put an end to all this misery? DOCTOR: Oh, it doesn't work like that, Winston. It's gonna be tough. There are terrible days to come. The darkest days. But you can do it. You know you can. CHURCHILL: Stay with us, and help us win through! The world needs you. DOCTOR: The world doesn't need me. CHURCHILL: No? DOCTOR: The world's got Winston Spencer Churchill. (makes the Victory sign) CHURCHILL: It's been a pleasure, as always. DOCTOR: Too right. The two men hug. CHURCHILL: Goodbye, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, shall we say adieu? CHURCHILL: (ends hug) Indeed. Goodbye, Miss Pond. AMY: It's.. it's been amazing. Meeting you. CHURCHILL: I'm sure it has! AMY kisses CHURCHILL on the cheek. CHURCHILL heads for the door. AMY: Oi, Churchill! (holds out her hand) TARDIS key. The one you just took from the Doctor. The Doctor nearly chokes on his tea and pats his pocket. CHURCHILL: Oh, she's good, Doctor. As sharp as a pin! (hands her key) Almost as sharp as me! (lights cigar) KBO! After CHURCHILL leaves, the DOCTOR holds out his hand and AMY gives the key back INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, BRACEWELL'S LAB BRACEWELL standing stoically in his office, waiting for the inevitable. He now has a leather glove over the stump. The DOCTOR and AMY enter BRACEWELL: I've been expecting you, Doctor. I knew this moment had to come. DOCTOR: Moment? BRACEWELL: It's time to de-activate me. DOCTOR: Is it...? (AMY looks at him) Oh... yeah. BRACEWELL: You have no choice. I'm Dalek technology. Can't allow me to go pottering around down here where I have no business. DOCTOR: No, you're dead right, Professor. 100% right. And by the time I get back here in... what, ten minutes? AMY: More like 15. DOCTOR: Fifteen minutes, yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do. You are going to be so de-activated. It's going be like you've never even been... activated. AMY: Yeah. BRACEWELL: 15 minutes? DOCTOR: More like 20, if I'm honest. Once Pond and I see to the urgent thing... AMY: Yes! DOCTOR: ...we've got to see to. The... the... See? BRACEWELL: Very well, Doctor. I shall wait here and prepare myself. AMY: (aside to DOCTOR) That Dalek tech's a little bit slow on the uptake. (normal voice) That thing we've got to do. Gonna take half an hour, realistically, isn't it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Easily! So no running off, that's what I'm saying. Don't go trying to find that little Post Office with the ash trees or that girl... What was her name? BRACEWELL: Dorabella. DOCTOR: Dorabella. On no account go looking for her. Mind you, you can get a lot done in half an hour. BRACEWELL smiles and laughs as he realizes what the DOCTOR is doing. BRACEWELL: Thank you, thank you, Doctor! DOCTOR: Come along, Pond! The DOCTOR and AMY leave and BRACEWELL begins to pack a suitcase. INT. CABINET WAR ROOMS, STORAGE ROOM The DOCTOR and AMY head for the TARDIS AMY: So, you have enemies then? DOCTOR: Everyone's got enemies. AMY: Yeah, but mine's the woman outside Budgens with the mental Jack Russell. You've got, like, you know, arch-enemies. They both lean against the TARDIS DOCTOR: Suppose so. AMY: And here's me thinking we'd just be running through time, being daft and fixing stuff. But no, it's dangerous. DOCTOR: Yup. Very. Is that a problem? AMY: I'm still here, aren't I? You're worried about the Daleks. DOCTOR: I'm always worried about the Daleks. AMY: It'll take time, though, won't it? There's still not many of them. They'll need a while to build themselves up. DOCTOR: It's not that. There's something else. Something we've forgotten. Or rather you have. AMY: Me? DOCTOR: You didn't know them, Amy. You'd never seen them before. And you should have done. You should. The DOCTOR enters the TARDIS leaving a confused AMY to follow. After the TARDIS dematerializes, we see a small crack in the wall, the exact same shape as the crack in AMY'S room when she was a child. There is a light spilling out from it.
Plan: A: Ian McNeice; Q: Who played Winston Churchill? A: an invention; Q: What is Ironsides? A: Professor Bracewell; Q: Who created Ironsides? A: Bracewell; Q: Who is the android created by the Daleks? A: Bill Paterson; Q: Who played Professor Bracewell? A: the ruse; Q: What does the Doctor see through? A: the Doctor's testimony; Q: What do the Daleks use to activate the Progenitor Chamber? A: pure Dalek DNA; Q: What does the Progenitor Chamber contain? A: their race; Q: What do the Daleks restore with five new Daleks? A: a device; Q: What do the Daleks plan to detonate around Bracewell? A: Earth; Q: What do the Daleks want to destroy? A: the device; Q: What does Bracewell deactivate when the Doctor and Amy convince him that he is human? Summary: The Doctor and Amy respond to a call from Winston Churchill ( Ian McNeice ) and visit him during the London Blitz , where he has employed Ironsides: an invention apparently created by Professor Bracewell ( Bill Paterson ). The Doctor sees through the ruse and recognises the Ironsides as his arch-enemies, the Daleks . They use the Doctor's testimony that he is the Doctor to activate the Progenitor Chamber (which contains pure Dalek DNA) to restore their race with five new Daleks in larger, redesigned casings. The Daleks reveal their plan to detonate a device built around Bracewell (revealed as an android created by the Daleks) and destroy the Earth. As the device begins to activate, the Doctor and Amy convince Bracewell that he is human and the device deactivates.
Scene: The University cafeteria Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies. (Others all groan) What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead. Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror? Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed. Raj: Yeah, okay, so, zombies. Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like, in 28 Days, if those zombies didn't eat, they starved. Howard: You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state Raj: Hey, don't bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter. Leonard: Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o'clock. Howard: Why's the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria? Sheldon: Perhaps he's emulating Shakespeare's Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he'd have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I've sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble. Raj: Or maybe he heard it's Tator Tot Tuesday. That's why I'm here. Dr. Seibert: Hey, there's my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today? Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder? Seibert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia. Sheldon: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia. Seibert: Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who's up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls. Raj: Sounds great! Howard: I'm in! Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van. What's the occasion? Seibert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university. Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van. Seibert: I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research. Sheldon: I don't care, it's demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform. Seibert: All right, let me put it this way. You're gonna put on a suit, you're gonna come to this party, and you're gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I'll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire. Raj: Oh, you don't want that. Seibert: So, Saturday night! It's gonna be off the hook. Sheldon: Ugh! Seibert: Get over it. Raj: Oh, boy! Tator tots and a party invitation? What a great day! Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Penny: There you go. Leonard: Are you sure this is right? Penny: Yeah, just tuck that part in your pants; you'll be fine. Howard: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tuckus. Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey. Howard: Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does. Leonard: Oh. We should get going. Howard: What about Sheldon? Sheldon: Sheldon is not going. Leonard: Really? What do we tell Siebert? Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God. Penny: Sheldon, it's Saturday night, you'll be doing laundry. Sheldon: Don't tell him that, tell him the mask thing. Scene: The party. Howard: Hey, put your tie back in your pants. Leonard: Thanks. Raj: Nice place. Reminds me of my parents' house back in New Delhi. Howard: You're kidding. Raj: No. We are very wealthy. But the only difference is, we have more servants. Leonard: More than this? Raj: More than we can use. You see, in India, we don't make the mistake of letting our poor people have dreams. Seibert: Ah. There's my band of brainiacs. Where's Dr. Cooper? Leonard: He's tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God. Seibert: The board of directors insists he has a beautiful mind. I think he's just bananas. Come on, let me introduce you to one of the university's leading donors. Raj: I think we were misled about the cute girls. Seibert: Mrs. Latham, I'd like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz. Mrs Latham: Well, what happened to you, Wolowitz, couldn't stick with it long enough to get your PhD? Howard: I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste-disposal system for NASA. Mrs Latham: Got it, you're a space plumber. Howard: I'm gonna go hit the bar. Mrs Latham: Tell me about these two. Raj: Do him first. Seibert: Dr. Hofstadter is representing our experimental physics program tonight. I think you'll really enjoy hearing about his fascinating work. Mrs Latham: Right. Fascinate me. Leonard: Uh.. b.. d.. uh.. uh.. Mrs Latham: They're cute when they're about to wet themselves, aren't they? I'll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on? Leonard: Coffee maker? Mrs Latham: All right, Dr. Kooth... uh, whatever it is, you're up. Raj: It's Koothrappali. I have to tinkle. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites. Amy (on webcam): Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you've made a foolish mistake. Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I'm not above minimizing your window. Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race. Sheldon: That's it. Prepare to be minimized. Amy: I'm not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab? I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology. Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante? Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter. Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page. Amy: And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh. Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding. Amy: Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the geology department. Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people! Amy: Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts. Sheldon: No! Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies. Sheldon: Oh, the humanities! Scene: The party. Leonard: On the bright side, I don't think President Siebert will be making us go to any more fund-raisers. Howard: It was so much easier at my bar mitzvah. The old people just came up to you, pinched your cheek and handed you a savings bond. Raj: Oh, don't be such gloomy Gusses. Look at the size of these shrimp! At what point do we start calling them lobsters? Leonard: Face it, Raj, we crashed and burned tonight. Mrs Latham: Oh, you didn't do that badly. Leonard: Mrs. Latham, the first machine I turn on in the morning is the helium-neon laser, 'cause it needs to warm up. Mrs Latham: I no longer care, dear. But don't worry, I really enjoyed meeting you this evening. Leonard: You're kidding. That was good for you? 'Cause I was sweating through my T-shirt. Mrs Latham: Excellent! There's nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease. Leonard: Why? Mrs Latham: Oh, I don't know, it's one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp? See? Fun. Sheldon (behind them): No, no, no, I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon (on phone): I must confess I don't understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there's simply no talking to me, why did you call? I'm sorry, someone's on the other line. Why don't you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we'll try again later. Cooper-Hofstadter residence. Go for Cooper. Good morning, Mrs. Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband's ill-gotten gains. So, how much money are you going to give me? I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now? Leonard: Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don't, I, I really don't know why. Tonight? Sure, that'd be great. Okay, I'll, I'll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research. Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box? Leonard: Well, wherever we're going, she's sending a car to pick me up. Sheldon: Okay, I see what's happening. Leonard: What? Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she's using you to get to me. Crafty old gal. Leonard: Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I've been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics. Sheldon: No, that can't be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we're best friends. And I got your back, Jack. Secne: Mrs Latham's car. Leonard: That was a great meal. Mrs Latham: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Leonard: The only time I eat this well is when my mom's in town and she takes me out to dinner. Mrs Latham: Is that so? Leonard: You kind of remind me of her. She enjoys making people uncomfortable, too. Mrs Latham: Well, you remind me of a boy I dated in college. Leonard: No kidding. Mrs Latham: Sweet boy. Very smart. If only he'd had money. Leonard: Yeah, um, so, hey, speaking of money, how are you feeling about helping the physics department get a cryogenic centrifugal pump and molecular sieve? Mrs Latham: Well, I must say, you make a very persuasive case for it. Leonard: Oh, good, good. Mrs Latham: And I'm seriously considering taking it to the next level. Leonard: Terrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don't remind me of my mom. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: I'm sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is? Penny: Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching. Sheldon: You know, it's a shame, all that work she's doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive. Howard: Hey. How was dinner? Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol? Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It'll take two weeks. Penny: Leonard, are you okay? Leonard: Um, I'm not sure. Howard: What's going on? Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump. Sheldon: Oh, wow! Howard: Yes! Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat. Sheldon: Why? Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you. Leonard: She hit on me. Howard: Wait-wait-wait. Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have s*x with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars? Leonard: I think so. Howard: You lucky duck. Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you? Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night. Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear? Leonard: What? Sheldon: Penny, you're an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this. Leonard: Well, n-no, hold on a second, I'm not going to sleep with her. Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump. Leonard: Well, forget it! It's not gonna happen. Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science! Leonard: I repeat, not gonna happen. Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain? Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due. Scene: The apartment, the following night. Sheldon (on phone): Okay, fine. I'll tell him. Leonard, Mrs. Latham's car is here for you. Leonard: I won't be too late. I'm just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night. Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you. Leonard: What's this? Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There's, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M. Leonard: I am not going to have s*x with her. Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar! Leonard: Are you insane? I'm not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment. Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not? Leonard: Good night, Sheldon. Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something! Penny: He still won't shag the old lady, huh? Sheldon: No. But thank you for asking. Scene: Mrs Latham's car. Leonard: Hey. Hi. Mrs Latham: Hello, Leonard. I hope you're hungry. Leonard: I'm very hungry. For food, right? Mrs Latham: Oh, I made you uncomfortable last night. I'm so sorry. Leonard: No, that's okay. Mrs Latham: No, it most certainly is not. Leonard, I'm making the donation to your department regardless of what happens between us. Leonard: Really? Mrs Latham: Well, of course. There's no quid pro quo here. You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research, and you deserve the money. Leonard: Oh. Then what was last night about? Mrs Latham: I took a shot, sue me. Leonard: Oh. Mrs Latham: You're a very handsome man, Leonard. Leonard: Thank you. Mrs Latham: It was foolish of me to think someone your age might ever be interested in someone like me. Leonard: Oh, don't say that. You're a very attractive woman. Mrs Latham: Oh, please. Leonard: No, it's true. Mrs Latham: Well, aren't you sweet. Just for the record, you'd remember a night with me for the rest of your life. Leonard: I'm sure I would. But why, why, exactly? Mrs Latham: You're a very smart man. How do you think I landed such a rich husband? Leonard: I hadn't really given it much thought. Mrs Latham: Well, think about it. Leonard: Do you mean? Mrs Latham: Yep. I'm that good. Leonard: Oh, what the hell. Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is returning home looking dishevelled. Penny: Good morning, slut. Leonard: What? Penny: Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it. Sheldon: What's going on? Leonard: Oh, nothing's going on. Excuse me. Sheldon: Are you just getting home? Leonard: Yeah. Sheldon: That's a good sign, right? Penny: Oh, yeah. Sheldon: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker! Leonard: No, I didn't do it for the money. Sheldon: She stiffed you? Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to her. Sheldon: What? Penny: Again, read the book we gave you. Leonard: No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first. Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard. Leonard: Uh, I'm gonna go lie down. Sheldon: That's a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn't learn anything from his relationship with you. Penny: Hey! Sheldon: Another compliment! Learn to recognize them. Scene: The cafeteria. Seibert: Ah, there he is! The man of the hour! He took one for the team! Leonard: I didn't do it for the money! Seibert: Keep telling yourself that, it makes it easier. Trust me, I know. Raj: Cool, buddy! That's awesome! Howard: How was she?
Plan: A: Caltech; Q: Where is the fundraising event that President Siebert invites the men to? A: Leonard; Q: Who refuses to have sex with Mrs. Latham? A: Sheldon; Q: Who feels that such events are beneath him? A: his participation; Q: What does Amy tell Sheldon that he needs to attend the fundraiser? A: programs; Q: What does Amy tell Sheldon that the money raised might go to other than physics? A: the considerably older Mrs. Latham; Q: Who does Leonard make a good impression on? A: The next day; Q: When does Mrs. Latham pick Leonard up in her limousine? A: the money; Q: What does Mrs. Latham donate to Leonard after he has sex with her? A: a standing ovation; Q: What does Leonard receive at work after he has sex with Mrs. Latham? Summary: President Siebert invites the men to a fundraising event at Caltech. While Leonard, Howard and Raj are willing to attend, Sheldon feels that such events are beneath him. He changes his mind when Amy points out that, without his participation, any monies raised might go to programs other than physics. When he finally arrives, Siebert quickly regrets inviting him. Meanwhile, Leonard makes a good impression on the considerably older Mrs. Latham. The next day, she picks him up in her limousine, and makes it clear that she will only donate the money if Leonard has sex with her. He refuses, but everyone else urges him to go through with it. After he does so and she donates the money, Leonard receives a standing ovation at work.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Mike : Nate, Mike Wilson. Listen. I heard you were looking for the opportunity to play ball again. Jamie : This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. You have to do this daddy. Nathan : This can't be good for my back Skills : Man that can't be good for nobody's back. Lucas : You're coming back home. Mouth : I guess I never really left. Jamie : Can you help me make a cape? Quentin really likes mine and I thought maybe we could make one for him too. Haley : Tell me where you live because I'm pretty sure it's not in shop class. Sam : I live in a foster home. Haley : Would d you be interested in fostering a child? Brooke : Well I guess it would depend on the situation. Sam : I've never had my own room before. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Luke! You should read this. It's really cool. Lucas : Huh? My book? Peyton : No. it's an article about moving in together. It says we need to have our own space in order to ease the transition. Lucas : Way ahead of you. Peyton : What is that? Lucas : Oh it's your cage silly. I figured you need your own space. And look it's even got a little bed of hay. I know how you like hay. Peyton : Luke cut it out. Lucas : Come on. Get up. up. Man, Brooke looks hot here. Maybe you two could share the cage huh? AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : What? Funny I don't remember ordering bad Italian. Owen : Sorry to bother you so late but uh, caught you buying drinks at the bar tonight. I know the license is yours but she claims to belong to you too. You have a 15 year old daughter? How long has it been? Brooke : Not long enough. Thanks. Owen : You are welcome. Brooke : Sam? Sam : Can you just yell at me in the morning? I'm really tired. Brooke : I'll bet you are. Because being Brooke Davis is exhausting! I miss Angie. AT MOUTH'S HOUSE Millicent : Marvin? Mouth : Millie, what are you doing in Omaha? Millicent : What?! Oh my god! what are you doing here? Mouth : I had this horrible dream where I lived far away from you and every time I spoke I'd say this awful catchphrase. Only it wasn't a dream. So I quit my job. again. Millicent : For me? Mouth : For us. Without you Omaha just felt cold and lonely. Millicent : Do you feel better now? Mouth : Now I'm just cold. Millicent : Get in here. AT THE GYMNASIUM Jamie : Whoa daddy can fly. Haley : Yes he can. Oh I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you playing again. Nathan : Thanks baby. You know it'd really make me happy to see you play again. You haven't been in the studio in a while. Haley : Yeah well too much has happened lately To think about music. Nathan : Well the deal was we both go after our dreams remember? Jamie : Yeah mama. I like when you sing. Haley : Oh you do huh? I hope you don't think I'm not cool, when I'm saying I reading for school Jamie : Oh never mind. Nathan : I'll see you. Haley : okay bye. Nathan : See you buddy. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Hey. how'd you sleep? Lucas : Not very well. Someone hit me with a magazine. Peyton : I'm sorry. I was reading an article in B. Davis magazine and I had a bad dream. It's about moving in together. Lucas : What's so scary about that? Peyton : Well "once you move in expect to find out You don't know each other as well as you think." Lucas : That's ridiculous. Everybody says we're like twins. Peyton : Okay you're right. And to make up for the magazine attack I'm making your favorite breakfast. Lucas : Oh really? French toast? Peyton : Pancakes. Lucas : Huh ! AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Pancakes! Sam I made breakfast! Sam! Come on! Unbelievable. AT JAMIE SCHOOL Jamie : Ugh! cut it out! Chuck : "cut it out!" Jamie : Let go! you'll rip it! Chuck : So? then you'll have two stupid capes. Jamie : It's not stupid! I wear it for my friend Quentin! Chuck : Then Quentin must be stupid. Child : Fight fight fight fight! AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : "Just because he moved in Don't expect his stuff to move out." Apparently guys don't like changing anything when a woman moves in. Lucas : That's not true. Peyton : Oh really? That's funny. 'cause yesterday when I was cleaning I knocked over a picture of you and Lindsey. Lucas : I ... uh ... I ... I thought I got all those. I'm sorry. Peyton : I know I'm being silly. I just feel like a guest in your house. And I haven't unpacked any of my boxes 'cause I don't know where to put anything. Lucas : Well does the all knowing magazine have a fix or does it just point out problems? Peyton : Let's see. It says we should work it out by communicating openly, compromising and focusing on each other. Lucas : Doesn't just say ... that we should have s*x? Fine. How about this? Okay ... Neither one of us leaves Until you're completely moved in. Okay? I mean unless that is that my sugar mama needs to work. Peyton : Oh no your sugar mama's her own boss. And she just gave me some time off. Lucas : Okay. Then it's official. We are ... on house arrest. AT HALEY'S CLASS ROOM Haley : Haiku is a Japanese poem which consists of three lines of five seven and five syllables respectively. A good example of this would be ... My friend Brooke Davis, Blowing through my class like wind, Sam in trouble no? OUT OF SCHOOL Jamie : I hate school. Dan : School was never my strong suit either. It's a good thing we're both handsome. What's wrong? Jamie : I got in a fight with Chuck Scholnik 'cause he teased me about my cape. Dan : I know the Scholnik family. You should tease him about his alcoholic mother. I just want him to leave me alone. Dan : Yeah I know the feeling. I was teased when I was in prison. Jamie : About what? Dan : The point is that as a Scott man. People are always gonna be jealous of you. It's a burden we have to live with. Scott men are inherently better than most people. Jamie : Daddy too? Dan : Especially your daddy. AT MOUTH'S HOUSE Millicent : I thought we were past dressing up to impress each other. Does this mean I need to toss the footie pajamas? Mouth : Well if the alternative is you sleeping naked yes. I'm going to the station to beg for my old job. I hope they take me back. Millicent : They'd be stupid not to. You're a big TV star now. With your own catchphrase and everything. Mouth : I'm sorry I ever spent a minute away from you. Millicent : You just said a mouthful. AT HALEY'S CLASS ROOM Brooke : Very funny. I'm sorry I disrupted your class. Haley : It's okay. I turned you into a haiku. Brooke : Gesundheit. Haley I take it things aren't going very well between you and Sam. Brooke : She stole my I.D. last night and snuck out. When you asked me to take her, I thought I'd be getting little orphan Annie. Instead of singing and dancing. I have stealing and disappearing. Haley Do you want me to talk to her? Brooke : No. no I'll handle it. Haley Okay. Brooke : How do I handle it? Haley You got to talk to her tonight and lay down some ground rules. She needs structure. She's actually a really bright kid. Brooke : Fine. For you I will try. I just ... I need her to try too you know? Even if it's just a little. Haley I think that's totally fair. Brooke : Good. I'll let you know how it goes. Haley Thank you Brooke. Brooke : Yeah thank me if I don't kill her by tomorrow. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : So where do you want to start? Peyton : Well that's easy. I never feel at home until I unpack my music. But you know what? Maybe we don't have to. I mean we probably have doubles of everything right? Lucas : Actually I don't like the Cure. Peyton : How can you not like the cure? Lucas : Well their music's depressing and whiny. Peyton : Yeah and if it could squint it would be you. You do realize that the lyrics I spent all day painting at the river court were cure lyrics right? Lucas : Oh yeah I know and I love the lyrics. I hate the music. Peyton : I don't even know who you are right now. Lucas : Come on peyton. Look I'm just trying to be honest. I mean there's got to be things that I like that you don't right? Peyton : Yeah. Yeah okay. Now that you mention it. Your tattoo. Lucas : What about it? Peyton : Well first off it does not mean what you think it does 'cause I looked it up. Second Brooke has a very similar tattoo. Near her lady business. Now if you will excuse me I'm gonna go take my cure albums where they'll be appreciated. Lucas : Like the trash? Peyton : You see? We are totally different just like the article says. Lucas : Thanks a lot Brooke Lucas : "Friday I'm in love" isn't too bad. Peyton : It's nice in here. How come we haven't moved into the master bedroom? Lucas : You mean mom's room? Peyton : No I mean the master bedroom. I mean she gave you the house right? Lucas : Yeah. It'd just be ... Too weird sleeping in here as an adult. Peyton : Who said anything about sleeping? Lucas : No. definitely out of the question. Peyton : Luke we are adults. Shouldn't we be in the adult room? Lucas : Who's asking? You or B. Davis magazine? Hmm? Peyton : Whichever will get you to do it. Lucas : I would tell the magazine that my room's bigger. And I like it better. And I would tell Peyton that ... that I would do anything for her even something as creepy as sleeping in my mom's room. Peyton : Then I guess I'm asking. Lucas : Then I guess I'm moving. OUTSIDE Girl : When the stars goes blues. I love your music. Haley : Thank you Girl : Your album is one of my favorites. Haley : Oh Thanks. Girl : I even have a slot reserved in my CD case for your next record. There is gonna be a next record right? Haley : I hope so. Girl : I hope so too. Your voice is incredible. Haley : You're not so bad yourself. You don't have a CD I can buy do you? Girl : No no. I ... I just do this for fun. But it must be amazing to sing for a living. Haley : It used to be. So much has been going on lately music doesn't seem to matter much. Girl : That's too bad because it matters to a lot of other people. Haley : Well it looks like your music matters a lot too. You don't want to keep your fans waiting. Girl : Neither do you. AT MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth : Hi Chris. I wanted to talk to you about how we left things. Chris : Just hear me out. I know that Omaha's a bigger market, but this is your home. Mouth : I agree which is why ... Chris : What'll it take? We need you. Mouth : Well I could use an office better snacks in the lunch room and I had an intern in Omaha. Chris : Done, done and done. Thing is we need you to start a.s.a.p. Like uh...tomorrow? What do you think? Mouth : I think Omaha's gonna miss me. Chris : Terrific. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Hey buddy. Your mom and I would like to talk to you for a second. Think you could pause that game? Jamie : Not if I'm in trouble. Nathan : You're not in trouble. We just heard you got in a fight at school today. Jamie : A kid grabbed my cape. He wouldn't let go of it. He said it was stupid. Nathan : Sounds like that kid is stupid. I mean a man should know never to grab another man's cape. Haley : Nathan. Your cape kiddo is not stupid okay? When I was younger I had a poncho, that everybody else said was really ugly but I really liked it so I kept wearing it. And that's what you should do. If you like your cape you should just wear it whenever you want and ignore what everybody else says. Jamie : Well what if he keeps picking on me? Nathan : Oh well I can teach you how to deal with bullies. Haley : And what your father means by that is if somebody's picking on you. You should just walk away. Right honey? Nathan : Yes. Yes she's right. Jamie : But I want to be tough like daddy. Nathan : Why? If you can learn to walk away. You'll be tougher than I ever was. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : It's not funny. Peyton : I'm sorry. I'm only laughing because of how angry you got. I mean I've ever heard anybody yell at it before. Oh honey it is not a big deal. Doesn't it happen to every guy at some point? Lucas : And it wouldn't have happened at all if we weren't in my mom's bed! This is your fault. Peyton : Well you have never complained before. Lucas : I'm talking about your obsession with this stupid magazine. Peyton : Oh my god the magazine has been dead on. It has predicted pretty much everything. I just wish it would have warned me about this. Lucas : Okay all right. Okay. Peyton : What are you doing? Lucas : Well it seems I've made a huge mistake. I'm calling Lindsey. Peyton : Fine. If you think that'll help. AT TRIC Brooke : Hey. Have I been in tonight? Owen : Was that a trick question? Brooke : Sam? Have you seen her? Owen : Not since last night. Why did she run out on you again? Brooke : No. She's actually waiting in the car. I just needed an excuse to see you. Owen : Sorry I asked. Brooke : You know you're a jerk. I told you I wanted to be a mom and you ran away so fast you left an Owen shaped hole in my front door, and I never heard from you again. Not so much as a phone call, and if you hadn't caught little Brooke Davis Junior with my I.D. I still wouldn't have. Owen : You're right. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry. Brooke : Whatever. You're still a jerk. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : What's going on? Lucas : "When moving in be ready for him to unpack this little secret. He wants his own space." If it's in the magazine it must be true. So you stay on your side of the line and you get my mom's bed. And I'll get the TV and the kitchen huh? Peyton : What is this "the Brady bunch"? Lucas : Just so you know if you cross this line You'll be admitting that this article is stupid. And that I'm right. About everything. Peyton : Fine. Looks like I get the bathroom. Lucas : Fine. I'm hungry. I think I'll go make myself some uh ... French toast. Peyton : Oh it is so on. AT JAMIE'S SCHOOL Haley : Sweetie is that the boy that was picking on you? Jamie : No. I thought my shoe was untied. Bye mama. Haley : Bye sweetie. Excuse me could I talk to you for a second? I'm Haley Scott. I'm Jamie's mom. Jamie came home from school upset the other day. I guess your son was teasing him. Mrs. Scholnik : Well you know how boys are. Haley : Don't you think we should do something about it? Mrs. Scholnik : No I think it's best if we let the boys work it out for themselves. So much better than tattling don't you think? Haley : Uh he's not tattling. He's 5 years old and he just wants to be left alone. Mrs. Scholnik : Jamie? Is he the one with the cape? 5 is a little old for a cape don't you think? Maybe you should do him a favor take it away from him and then he won't get teased anymore. About the cape anyway. Haley : What is that supposed to mean? Mrs. Scholnik : He's probably just a late bloomer. I'm sure he'll make friends ... someday. Haley : Listen honey. If your little brat doesn't stop picking on my son not only will I give Jamie permission to kick his ass but I'll be kicking your ass right alongside of him. Got that bitch? Mrs. Scholnik : I'd like to see you try little girl. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : What happened to walking away? Haley : I know but you didn't see her. She was such a bitch. Nathan : Sounds like you made that pretty clear. Haley : Jamie's been through so much lately the last thing he needs is some bully picking on him. Nathan : He'll be fine. He's a tough kid. But you know what? I'll take care of it. In the meantime just try not to kill anybody okay slugger? Haley : What are you gonna do? Nathan : I'm gonna call his mom a bitch and then push her. Oh that's right. You already did that didn't you? Look I don't know what I'm gonna do okay? But I'll take care of it. I'll think of something. Haley : I'm sorry. Nathan : Oh are you kidding me? My girl is a badass. That's hot. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Damn he's good ... Look what I found on my side. Lucas : Oh no no no no no. Peyton : You cross you lose. "Fergie I love you very much "and miss you every time we're apart. I need to see you ... soon." Lucas : Don't you dare. Junk : What's up? Fergie : Lucas loves him some Fergalicious. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Nathan : Hi Brooke. It's nice to see you too. Brooke : I'm sorry. I was just hoping you might be Sam. But apparently all she knows how to do is leave. Nathan : Is it that bad? Brooke : I think she likes me about as much as I like my mother. Nathan : Well we both know there's some parents You're better off without but you're not one of them. She'll realize that. Brooke : Unfortunately she hasn't stuck around long enough to figure that out. Thank you for coming to check on me. Nathan : Well actually I need a favor. It's last minute. It's a lot of work and I need it in two hours. Brooke : As tempting as that sounds I'm still orphan deep in the last favor I did for the Scott family. Nathan : It's for Jamie. Brooke : What do you need? AT MOUTH'S OFFICE Man : It's my new hero! Mouth : Hey ! Man : I've been here three years. I've never gotten a raise. You tell them to shove their job you get a better position a new office and a hot intern. Mouth : Well I don't know if ... Hot intern? Gigi? Gigi : Mouth! Man : Wait you guys know each other? Gigi : We were high school lovers. Man : Nice! AT JAMIE'S SCHOOL Chuck : It's a bird! It's a plane! It's suuperbaby! Aw are you sad? Are you gonna go fly home to your mommy? Jamie : No. I'm gonna walk away. Nathan : So who doesn't think that capes are cool? Well if I didn't have a cape I couldn't do this. Oh by the way, that box right there is full of capes if anybody wants one. AT THE COFFEE BAR Brooke : You didn't come home last night. Sam : It's not my home. Besides you said I could come and go as I please. So I left. Brooke : That is not what I meant. I was worried about you. Sam ... I can't help you if you're not willing to be helped. Apparently you'd rather eat here than in my kitchen and you want to sleep in a car instead of my guest room. I don't know what to do for you. I just don't think this is gonna work. Sam : It's okay. I'm used to people giving up on me. Happens all the time. See that waitress over there? That's my mom. One day I'm gonna tell her who I am and what a big mistake she made. Like I said I'm used to people giving up on me. Thanks anyway. Brooke : Sam ... AT MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth : So my girlfriend and I moved to Omaha but then my girlfriend moved back. So I decided to move back to be with her. Gigi : You're so much more muscular than you were in high school. Mouth : Yeah my girlfriend is really into being healthy so I am too. For my ... my girlfriend. What have you been up to? Gigi : Going to college. I'm taking journalism classes. Having lots of s*x. Oh and my mom had her appendix out last week. Mouth : That's ... wow. Gigi : It's so good to see you again. It's weird though because I was thinking about you just the other day. Mouth Oh yeah? what about? Gigi : Well I was walking to class and all of a sudden I thought. "I should have had s*x with mouth." Isn't that weird? Mouth : Yeah that is weird. Did I mention that I have a girlfriend? Gigi : Cool. I do too. Sometimes. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Haley : So Nathan told me about the capes. You are officially the world's greatest godmother and you've totally made Jamie's year. Thank you so much Brooke. Brooke : At least I made one kid happy today. Haley : What happened? Brooke : I was gonna talk to Sam last night like you said. And she never showed. And I just told her I can't help her anymore. I'm sorry Haley. Haley : No no. I should not have forced her on you. I just thought... If anyone could handle her you could Because you were a lot like her and you got past it. I thought she could too if somebody gave her a chance. Brooke : Well I guess I'm not strong enough. Haley : Brooke you ... you're the strongest person I know. You just gave up a multimillion dollar corporation and you seem fine about it. I wish I had your strength. Brooke : My strength? Haley you gave up your singing career to be with Nathan Who was at least as screwed up as me or Sam when you got a hold of him. And now he's the best guy I know. Look it was scary. I was scared to death to give up the company. But it wasn't fun anymore. And now I get to do what I fell in love with design clothes on my terms. Haley : Yeah. that sounds familiar. I met a girl who sings on the street every day for fun. It's amazing. She seems so happy. Music used to be like that for me and it's just not anymore. You know? Brooke : Well then you need to make it fun again. Find what you loved about it and start there. You're too strong not to. Haley : I will think about it. Brooke : Okay. Haley : You're definitely done with Sam? Brooke : I'll think about it. Haley : Good. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Oh that's just not fair. Peyton : What are you talking about? Oh you know what? It's dark in my room so I was just gonna crash early. All by myself. Lucas : Well it's nice and bright in my room. Thought I'd do a little reading before bed. Peyton : Maybe you should reread your book and think about the comet and how close it is but you can't touch it 'cause you're stubborn. Lucas : Maybe I will. I love my book. Peyton : Good. Good. I love sleeping naked. Lucas : Damn she's good. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : And then daddy jumped feet and dunked the ball. I was the most popular kid in school. I even got six girls' digits like uncle skills taught me. Haley : Really? Uncle skills? Well I'll be having a conversation with uncle Skills. Nathan : Get used to being popular. You're a Scott boy. Jamie : Mama why don't you wear your poncho anymore? Haley : I think one day I just outgrew it. Good night buddy. Good night. Nathan : I haven't told you how proud of you I am for walking away today. Jamie : I didn't want to But you said it would make me tough. Nathan : It does. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Those kids teased you about your cape and you wore it anyway. They wanted to fight you and you just walked away. See there's leaders and there's followers and you are a leader. Jamie : I wouldn't have fought him but he said Quentin was stupid and Quentin was not stupid. Quentin was my friend. Nathan : That's right. He was your friend and he would be proud of you too. Good night buddy. OUTSIDE Brooke : Trust me Backseats are not meant for sleeping. Sam : What are you doing here? Brooke : I thought I'd crash at your place tonight. I know what it feels like to have parents who give up on you. I had one who ignored me and one who resented me. And sometimes I feel like I'd be better off if I never had parents at all. Sam : No you wouldn't. Brooke : Sam I don't want to make the same mistakes our parents made. I want you to move in with me on an official foster home basis if you want to. Sam : What's the catch? Brooke : There's no catch. There are rules. Breakfast is at 7a.m. sharp. And no more stealing my stuff or anyone else's but mostly mine. Deal? Sam : Deal. That is the last thing. I promise. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : What you did for Jamie was amazing. Nathan : I didn't do that for Jamie. I did that for chuck's mom. I was afraid you were gonna kill her. Haley : Well you saved the day for everyone like a big old superhero. You don't need a sidekick do you? Nathan : A sidekick? No. oh! No I think tomorrow I'll go back to being mild-mannered slamball player Nathan Scott. Haley : I wouldn't call you mild-mannered. Nathan : What about you? What are you doing tomorrow? Haley : I think I'm in the mood to do some singing. Nathan : It's about time. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : I tell you to stay and you disappear. I tell you to get lost and you're at my doorstep. Apparently you have everything backwards so come on in. Owen : Wait, wait ... wait. hey can ... Can we talk? Brooke : Sure. How have you been? there we talked. Now if you don't mind it's late And I have a young girl sleeping inside. Owen : I just want a chance to explain myself. Brooke : Fine. Explain. Owen : Look I got freaked out when you mentioned the baby. I had a horrible childhood. Then I get addicted to heroin really early on. Now I avoid anything more responsible than making drinks. The thought of me being a father is just too much. Brooke : I never asked you to be the father. Owen : I know, but if you ever did ... I know I wouldn't be any good at it. So I disappeared. And you have every right to be mad at me. And I'm sorry. Brooke : Have you ever considered that going through all those awful experiences is exactly what would make you a good father someday? I've seen you be responsible with Rachel and caring with Jamie. You even brought Sam home and she's a total stranger to you. Owen : Well truth be told I just brought her home 'cause I wanted to see you. Brooke : Okay, well, if she's at the bar tonight then bring her home and you will see me again. Owen : Then I hope she's in the drinking mood. But if not then, I hope the real Brooke Davis will stop by. I promise you. I won't go anywhere this time. Brooke : I'll think about it ... Jerk. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : You know I read somewhere that you should never go to bed angry. Now it wasn't B. Davis magazine So I'm not sure if it's very valid. Peyton : I'm not angry. In fact I've actually had fun these last few days playing around. Especially since I've been winning. Lucas : Before you get too excited may I remind you that your moving boxes were on my side of the line. Peyton : What'd you do? Lucas : Well I just unpacked some of your stuff. I found a really great picture to replace the one of Lindsey. Peyton : Oh Luke that is sweet. Of course you went through my art again without asking permission. Lucas : My side my art babe. Peyton : I think I'm starting to like your side better. Lucas : I was about to say the same thing. Peyton : Let's be on the same side again. Lucas : I really have to go to the bathroom. Peyton : Oh my god I'm starving. AT MOUTH'S HOUSE Millicent : Mm somebody smells good. hot date? Mouth : No? why? it's just work. Millicent : Touchy touchy. I'm just saying you smell good. I'd say you look good too but I don't want to get hit. Mouth : Well go ahead. risk it. Millicent : So how was your first day back? Was everyone happy to see you? Mouth : Some of them. Millicent : Well I'm thrilled to have you back. So do you have your new tree hill catchphrase yet? Mouth : I don't think I'm gonna need one Millicent : Oh sure you will. How about "mouthing off from the hill"? Mouth : No. Millicent : "if a tree falls your mouth will make a sound"? Mouth : Please stop. Millicent : Or what about Mouth : How's this? "I'm Marvin McFadden and I am so glad I'm back here with you." Millicent : I love it. AT JAMIE'S SCHOOL Jamie : Bye grandpa! Dan : See you buddy. Ms. Scholnik : Bye honey. Dan : Ms. Scholnik ... Dan Scott. Jamie's grandfather. That's a cute kid. Well kid anyway. You know I hear he and Jamie got in a little scuffle the other day. I sure hope they work out. Ms. Scholnik : You know what? I think they already have. Dan : You know I'd love to join you for your morning drink but I'm late for a meeting with my parole officer. Murder. OUTSIDE Girl : Hey! Tell me you're on your way to the studio to make your new record. Haley : Uh actually I was thinking about doing singing for fun today. What do you think? you up for a duet? Girl : Are you kidding? I would be honored. Haley : Great. What do you want to play? Girl : Uh how about this one? ** I'm the girl with the best intentions ** something I should probably mention ** I like to get just what I paid for ** So i pay and I get and I pay and want some more, more, more ** And I want something that I want ** Something I tell myself I need ** Something that I want ** I need everything I see *** I'm a girl who's got a notion ** AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Sam! Breakfast! ** I'm not gonna show you my magic potion ** I could shop till I drop right to the floor ** And I get right up and I want some more, more, more ** And I want something that I want ** Sam : You said breakfast at 7. It 7 ... ** Something I tell myself I need** ** Something that I want ** Brooke : It's a start. ** I need everything I see (everything I see) ** AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Breakfast! Lucas : Well your stuff is unpacked. The tape is gone. And the house is officially both of ours. Peyton : Perfect timing. I made waffles. Lucas : I love waffles. Peyton : I do too. Plus I got the recipe from B. Davis magazine. So you know it'll be good. Lucas : You better enjoy them because um ... I canceled your subscription. Peyton : What?! Lucas : Holy cow. I forgot there was a world outside the house. Fergie : Hey Luke. I got your text. Peyton : Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! ** And I want something that I want ** Something I tell myself I need ** Something that I want ** AT JAMIE'S SCHOOL Chuck : Hey Jamie! Did your dad bring you to school? He's the coolest! Jamie : Yeah Scott's rule. Yeah. Chuck : Do you want to play kickball? You can be on my team. Jamie : Whoa chuck slow your roll. Maybe another time. Chuck : Why aren't you wearing your cape? Jamie : Well some people lead and some people follow.
Plan: A: Peyton; Q: Who does Lucas discover more about? A: Jamie; Q: Who has been fighting with a kid at school? A: Sam; Q: Who does Brooke continue to look after? A: Owen; Q: Who returns to Brooke but she rejects him? A: Nathan; Q: Who shows the other kids how cool a cape is by slam dunking? A: a cape; Q: What does Nathan wear to school to stop Jamie from being bullied? A: Junior Wells; Q: Whose song is "Cape" named after? Summary: Lucas and Peyton discover more about each other. Jamie has been fighting with a kid at school. Brooke continues to look after Sam who begins stealing and sneaking away from Brooke. Owen returns to Brooke but she rejects him. To stop Jamie from being bullied Nathan comes to his school wearing a cape and shows the other kids how cool it is to have a cape by slam dunking. This episode is named after the song by Junior Wells .
Scene 1: Hotel Carmilla - Eric, woman, Lorena, Sookie, Bill Eric is drinking blood from a woman. Woman: That's it, baby. Eric: "Baby"? I'm over a thousand years old. Woman: Are you not having a good time? Eric: There's just not much trill left in feeding on the willing. Woman: Then should I try pretending not to want it? Eric: Only if you are very, very good at it. Woman: Get off me. You sick... bloodsucking b*st*rd. Eric: Off you go. Tell your manager you were magnificent. I'll back up your story if he calls. She leaves. Eric: I was beginning to think you weren't going to accept my invitation, Lorena. Lorena: For a vampire, you're a terrible liar. Credit Sookie and Bill are in their hotel room. Someone knocks at the door. Sookie: Tell them to go away. Bill: It could be anyone. He goes to open the door. Bill: Who is there? Voice: Isabel, from the summit. He opens the door. Bill: And who is this? Isabel: His name is Hugo. He is mine. Bill brings some Tru Blood. Isabel: I could see how worried you were about Sookie infiltrating the Fellowship, and I thought Hugo could help. Bill: And why would you want to help us? Isabel: Because Godric is my sheriff, not yours. It would be criminal of me to let you take this risk without my at least offering. Bill: And why would you want to help us? Hugo: I would do anything for Isabel. Hugo's thoughts: Forever, and not just my forever, your forever. And forever and forever... Sookie: It's true, he would. He loves her. You. He loves you. Very much. Isabel: And I him. Consider my offer. If nothing else, with Hugo there, Sookie will be less likely to arouse suspicion. People of the church, they have a way of not trusting woman when she's absent a man. Sookie: Bill, I have to say, as a woman who's been absent a man most of her life, that could not be more true. In the lobby, Eric and Lorena are having a conversation. Eric: I considered booking you in the room adjoining theirs, but I thought that might be a bit... over the top. Lorena: Why I am here, Mr. Northman? Eric: We want the same thing, you and I. Okay, Bill has something that I want, and he's in the way. Lorena: His human? Eric: No, she's something more than human. Lorena: What is she? Eric: That I do not know, but whatever she is... he loves her. Lorena: What makes you think I want him back? That I'd even take him? Eric: Because you didn't come all this way just to see me. Lorena: I haven't seen Bill Compton in over 70 years. Surely you can't think I have any pull over him whatsoever. Eric: I haven't seen my maker for much longer than that, and yet I am still loyal to him. Fiercely loyal. Lorena: Shame I didn't turn you. Then again, you're not really my type. Flash Back: Chicago, 1026 Bill is playing piano and singing. Lorena is near him. She goes to speak to a couple. Lorena: Enjoying the entertainment? Man: Yes, very much. Woman: Yes. He's wonderful. Just wonderful. Lorena: He is. Quite wonderful. I love your necklace, it's extraordinary. Woman: Thank you. I love it too. It was a gift from Sydney. Sydney: Yeah, it cost me a pretty penny, but... got me out of a whopper of a fight. Right, doll? Where;d you say you two were all... from again, Miss...? Lorena: Olivier. Faviana Olivier. And we are from Europe. France. Sydney: I'm hoping to hop over the pond some time soon, take this one woth me. Woman: I've always wanted to see Europe. Lorena: You would like it. And it would certainly like you. You seem European already. Most Americans these days are so... puritanical. Sydney: F*** prohibition. Woman: Sydney! He's so crass. Lorena: But he's right. F*** prohibition. If you'd like, after your other guests leave, Guillaume and I could stay and we could all f*** prohibition somewhat further. Sydney: Absolutely. Woman: Ok. Bill (Guillaume) finishes to sing and goes to Lorena. Bill: Bonsoir. Sydney: Bonsoir. Bill: I am Guillaume. Enchanté. End Flashback. Scene 2: Merlotte's - Daphne, Sam They are on the pool table. Sam: Hey, what happened here? (her back) baby, if you don't want to tell me... Daphne: It's all right...when I take my clothes off, it's all anybody ever sees. The answer is I don't know what happened. Sam: You mean, you don't remember? Daphne: I remember. Heck, I'll never forget it. I just never got a look at who, or what, it was that jumped me. Sam: Jesus. Where were you? Daphne: In the woods. Running. And then whatever it was, it was on me. It slashed me. And then I was sick, real sick, for weeks. The doctors couldn't figure it out. What it was. They told me I was lucky to be alive and I should count my blessings. And I still do, every single day of my life. Sam: You're the most amazing person I've ever met. Daphne: You're just saying that because I'm the first honest s*x you've ever had. Sam: No, that's not true. Daphne: Have you told anybody else what you are? Sam: Yeah, my friend Sookie. She knows. Daphne: And have you slept with her? Sam: No. Daphne: Well, I rest my case. Seriously, though, Sam. You shouldn't be ashamed of what you are. Sam: I'm not ashamed. I just don't go around advertising it. Daphne: Well, neither do I, but the people that I know, the people that i love, i don't keep it a secret from them. How come you do? Sam: I guess because it's dangerous out there. It's, like, why take the risk? Daphne: Because not taking the risk is riskier. Sam: That's just wordplay. Daphne: No. No, it's not. The way I look at it, if you're gonna take the danger out of getting to know someone, you might as well not bother with 'em at all. You got to share this life with people. It's what we were put on this big ol' round ball to do. And people, they need to know you. You're just too damned special for 'em not to. Sam: Where the f*** did you come from? Scene 3: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann, man on the phone, Karl Tara (on the phone): I'm looking for a pump for an A.O. Smith water heater. Man on the phone: Can you hold on? Tara (on the phone): Yeah, I'll hold. Eggs: sh1t. Tara: Want me to take a look and you can hold the line? Eggs: That was some spiteful sh1t, what you said right there. I got this. I am the man of the house. No offense, Karl. Karl: None taken. (To Maryann) How's your coffee? Maryann: Colder than that ridiculous excuse for a shower. Tara: I don't know what to tell you. I wish I had a fancier crib for you to squat in, but I don't. Maryann: Tara. You may not know this about me, but without a hot shower in the morning, I have no tolerance for sarcasm. Tara: Sorry. Man on the phone: You still there? Tara on the phone: Yeah. Yeah, I'm here. Man: Yeah, we got one. Tara on the phone: You do? Great. We'll be there as soon as we can. Tara: hardware shop in Ferriday's got the part we need. Maryann: Ferriday is over two hours away. Tara: It's an old water heater, Maryann, and I called everyone I could within 150 mile radius, and this guy is the only one who's got a recalculating pump that'll fit it. So do you want somebody to go get it or not? Maryann: Drive like the wind. Tara: Maybe Eggs ought to come...? Maryann: No, I want him here working on the water heater. See if he can jury-rigsometh take some semblance of a shower before you get back. Tara: Maryann, I think you're overestimating your plumber. Besides, if I have to drive a car and look at a map at the same time, I'll crash your Jag. I know I will. Maryann (to Eggs): You can go. Go, go! Scene 4: Fellowship of the Sun - Jason, Luke, Steve, Sarah Jason and Luke are walking. Luke: Where you been, we're 10 minutes late. Jason: Didn't they say what they wanted us for? Luke: All they said was to grab you and get our butts down to the sanctuary lawn. Why, you think it's something bad? Jason: It can't be good. Sarah: Good morning. Steve: Think you can handle it? Jason: Yeah. It's just a... well, it's a platform with a cross on top of it. Seems pretty straightforward. Steve: Good. Good, good. Jason: Look, I'm sorry, but the rest of the group... they're back at camp, training, right? Shouldn't we be with them? I mean, we ain't being punished for something, are we? Steve: Jason Stackhouse, of all things. Now, what would we be punishing you for? Jason: Nothing. Nothing at all. Sarah: Well, then, how about you stop sulking and try to be a little thankful for the job you've been given? I shouldn't have to remind you, but Jesus was a carpenter. Steve: Oh, my golly. I didn't even think about the parallels. Should we tell them? Sarah: I'm not sure that's such a good... Steve: They're the best of the best, they deserve to know. Now, can you boys keep a secret? Jason: I hope so, yeah. Luke: I'll take it to the grave. Steve: This platform we're having you build? It's for a ceremony. Have either of you ever heard the expression, "Meet the Sun"? Steve: Are you for real? Sarah: Steve! Steve: Sara, I'm talking. Luke, you want to do the honors? Luke: Well, if it's what I read about on the internet, meeting the sun is when you take a vampire and you chain him on the cross before dawn. And when the sun comes up, the congregation gets to watch from the bleachers as the vampire ignites and is sent to his fiery grave once and for all. Jason: Jesus Christ. Steve: Well, yes, him, but the sun too. Good work, boys. Scene 5: Hotel Carmilla - Sookie, Hugo They are iin the lobby. Hugo: You should probably wear this. Sookie: Oh, Hugo. Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes. Hugo: And also... just so that they believe we're a couple about to get married, it'd probably be best if you let me do most of the talking. Sookie: I'll just shut up and look pretty. Hugo: That's not what I meant. Sookie: Yes, it was. It's okay. It'll be easier for me to listen in on others if I don't have to worry about carrying on a conversation. Hugo: Good, good. But if they do ask you any questions, are you sure you're going to be able to say the kinds of things about vampires that they're going to want to hear? Sookie: Hugo, I don't just hear the things hateful people say. I hear the things that are so hateful that hateful people don't even want to say them out loud. Don't you worry about me. I got plenty of materials to work with. I'll be fine. Hugo: Good. Sookie: It's funny, I don't even know you really, but you're the only other person I've met who's dated a vampire... Hugo: What do you want to know? Sookie: Everything. Like, do you and Isabel ever fight? Hugo: We fight like crazy. But I've been with women I didn't fight with before, and with every one of them, I found that the reason that we never fought was because I didn't care enough to bother. Sookie: Oh, Hugo, that is messed up. Hugo: Well, maybe. But it's also true. Sookie: It's funny, but whenever Bill and me fight, even as I'm screaming and I'm so mad I don't think I'm ever going to stop, somehow, in the middle of all that, I know we're both fighting for our relationship. For each other. We're fighting to stay together. Hugo: Do you... never mind. Sookie: What? Hugo: Lately... the thing Isabel and I have been fighting about the most is whenever I bring up the subject of her turning me, she just shuts down. She won't even discuss it. Sookie: Is that a thing that actually people do? Because it's never even occurred to me. Hugo: How could it not? Right now it's all well and good, but in 50 years when they're still what they are, but we're in our '70s and '80s and we're hunched over and frail and using walkers? Come on. How could they still love us? Sookie: We should go. Hugo: Listen, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you that... Sookie: It's okay. Really. Besides, now if I die today, who cares? At least I'll never have to feel old and unloved, and unwanted. Scene 6: In the car - Tara, Eggs Tara: Bitches, don't you know that sarcasm and cold water do not mix? Eggs: All right, so next thing you want to do is hop on the 165 South. Tara: Excellent. You're a hell of a navigator. Eggs? Eggs: There's going to be a diner that's built out of an old red barn coming from around the next bend. Tara: You been here before? Eggs: No. Never. Why the f*** did I know that? Tara: All right, you're freaking me out. You better not be f****** with me. Eggs: Turn right here. Tara: Eggs, tell me what's going on. Eggs: Tara, I don't know. Please, just turn right here. Come on. Tara: S***. Tara stops the car and Eggs goes out. Tara follows him. Tara: Where you going, Eggs? Scene 7: Merlotte's - Arlene, Terry, Lafayette, Andy, Maxine, Maxine's friend, Hoyt, Sam, Daphne, Arlene: You still up for doing something after work tonight? Terry: Yeah, sure. Arlene: Good, because I just got off the phone, and I got a surprise lined up for you. Terry: I don't like surprises, Arlene. Arlene: Well, that's too bad, because I just happen to be an extremely mysterious woman. Daphne: Can I get y'all anything else? Maxine Fortenberry: How about the iced tea I ordered over five minutes ago? Daphne: Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry. I'll be right back with that. Maxine: And some Worcester? Daphne goes. Any chance I'll get it? Her friend: Zero. She's about the worst I've ever seen. Maxine: Maybe it's for the best. Lately if you're too good a waitress around here, someone's gonna come along and kill you. Her friend: You are so bad, Maxine. Andy: Hey, there, Sam. Lafayette here? Sam: In the kitchen. Andy: I've been noticing some strange things about you lately. Lafayette: Like? Andy: Like the fact that you just up and vanished for over two weeks, and like the fact that now that you are back, you seem to have lost some of your pizzazz. Lafayette: My pizzazz? Andy: That's right. Now, in case you didn't hear, Lafayette, a woman's dead. Woman just so happened to have ripped of your cousin and you antie. So for the record, where were you all that time? Lafayette: I was on a cruise. Andy: A cruise, huh? What kind of cruise? Lafayette: A gay one. Andy, why don't you tell me what you're accusing me... Terry comes in the kitchen. Andy: You weren't on a gay cruise, if you were, you would have come back with more pizzazz, not less. So how about you and I go down to the station, I lock you up. Leave you in a cell to rot until you confess, or you can just tell me now. (Lafayette sees Eric at Andy's place) I already know what you were doing. You were hiding out. Lying in wait. You killed that woman and cut her heart out. Now, tell me I'm not right. Terry: Leave him alone, cuz. Andy (his face): Terry, you need to shut up. (To Lafayette) And you need to get up. Think I will take you down to the station. I said get the f*** up! Terry: What the hell, Andy? Back when we were kods playing cops and robbers in Me-maw and Pa-po's backyard, you always used to make you arrests with dignity. This ain't the kind of cop you set out to be. And by the way, everybody know that you ain't even a cop anymore. Get the hell out of here. Andy: But he's a suspect. Terry: No, he ain't. And even if he was, does he look like he's about to run, to you? Andy: All right, you're right. I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds. Andy leaves. Terry: Okay. Okay, buddy. Come here. Come here. Come here. Close your eyes. Close 'em. Close 'em. That's good. Now, I want you to imagine a golden glowing ball radiating warmth and safety. That's good. Hoyt arrives at Merlotte's. Hoyt: Activation required. Maxine: Hoyt, you remember Bonita Lou Morris. Hoyt: Nice to see you again, Miss Morris. I paid that bill last week. I want to know why my phone is telling me "activation required". Maxine: Because I canceled it. Hoyt: Goddang it Mama. Now Jessica's gonna think I'm like those guys that never text back. Maxine: Good. Girls who call boys at all hours of the night like that are looking for one thing: money. Hoyt: We don't have any money. Maxine: That's not true. We're very comfortable. I told you I would let you date a girl like that over my dead body, and I meant it. This is only the first step. Hoyt: Reactivate it or the next step's gonna be all mine. And one last thing about my girlfriend that I think both of y'all need to know. The reason that Jessica calls me all late like she does is that she's a vampire. He leaves. Sam: I can't work. Daphne: And why is that? Sam: Because, when I look at that pool table, I keep seeing you on it, and then I can't think about anything else. What do you say we get outta here? Daphne: And go where? Sam: Well, we'll sneak out the back and shift and run and play. Do it out under the sun. Daphne: I would love to, but if I left work right now, my boss would kill me. Sam: Don't you go and slap me with a harassment suit for this, nut if you don't go out back right now and take off all your clothes, I will fire you. Daphne: Well, we wouldn't want that. Sam: No, we wouldn't. Daphne: I'll meet you out back in two. Sam: Make it one. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 8: FotS - Luke, Jason, Sarah, Steve, Sookie, Hugos Luke is singing. Luke: Help me out, Stackhouse. What should go there? Jason: God, son of a... Luke: You all right? Jason: Yeah, I'm fine. Just... stupid. Luke: No, you're just preoccupied. So come on now, out with it. And I hope I don't have to remind you you're wearing your ring of honesty. Jason: Yeah, I don't know, man. I just... remember what you said the other day about... me only being sent up on... on account of Sarah wanting my... my Johnson? Luke: Man, that's just me being jealous. Even as it was coming out of my mouth, I knew God was frowning on me. Because not only do you deserve everything coming your way, but Sarah, if she ain't the holiest person I know, then I don't know who is. Jason: Luke, the day that we met, you said... you said that you'd been abstinent for the last three years. Luke: That's right. Jason: How come? Luke: Because s*x outside of marriage is a sin. Jason: You really believe that? Luke: It ain't what I believe. It's what God believes, but some sins are bigger than others. Jason: Like what? Luke: Well, let's say you're gonna do it out of wedlock, gotta make sure the girl you do it ain't married either. Jason: Right, because adultery's bad. Luke: One of the worst. Right up there with incest and bestiality. Jason: What the f... Luke: But all of 'em put together ain't half as bad as if you fo it to a vampire. Or to a dude. Or a vampire dude, and that's like crème de la crème of sins. Ain't no repentance for that. Straight to hell, baby. Jason: But everything else you can repent from. Luke: Sure. God's a... he's an open-minded guy. To a point. Jason: Jason Stackhouse, abstinent. Luke: Sounds good, don't it? Jason: Not really. Went to the sun to fry. Luke: What? Jason: The big ol'scray vampire went to the sun to fry. Luke: That is awesome, Stackhouse. Jason: Be here all day. Sookie and Hugo are in the car, arriving at the FotS. Sarah's waiting for them. Sookie: Why do I recognize her? Hugo: Because she's on TV all the time. That's Sarah Newlin. She's the reverend's wife. Sookie: Oh, right. You know, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding. They go down from the car. Sarah: Hi, there. I just happened to be looking out the window as you were driving up, and I thought I'd come on out and greet you myself. I'm Sarah Newlin. And you all are? Sookie: Hi. Holly Simpson. I cannot believe I'm meeting you in person. You are cute as a button. Sarah: Thank you, Holly. And you're like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Sookie: Quit. Sarah: And you are? Hugo: I'm... Sookie: Silly me. This is Rufus Dobson, my fiancé, I love saying that word. In fact, sometimes I love it so much, I don't even want to get married, just so I can keep on calling him it. But we're going to. Get married, that is. Which is why we're looking for a church. Sarah: Well, excellence. And I'm pleased to meet you, Rufus. Hugo: It's an honor. Sarah: The honor's mine. Now, how about you all follow me in and we'll see if Steve is available. I'm sure he'd love to meet you both. Sookie: For real? Reverend Newlin himself? Oh, that would be just super. Sarah: Well, come on. Hugo (low voice): I thought I would do the talking. Sookie: When I get nervous, sometimes I talk too much. In Steve's office. Sookie: Well, funny thing is, Rufus and I actually met in church, but we both left, like, a month later when we realized that our pastor was... a little iffy. Steve: He was a homosexual. Sookie: We don't know. He might have been, but what became all too clear was that... he was... a sympathizer. Steve: See, that really ticks me off. I mean, how can you claim to be a God-loving person and then love something that God detests? Sookie: It's upsetting. Hugo: It is. It is upsetting, but that's why my fiancée and I are here. We want to make this our new home. Sarah: We are thrilled that you've chosen us. Steve voice off: Wonder how that platform's coming. I can't wait to bring that vampire from the basement and watch the sun do him the justice that 2000 years of living couldn't. Sookie: it'll be amazing to finally b amongst like-minded people. I don't care what anyone says about vampires being able to control themselves. I know better. I know that every single one of them is a vicious, bloodthirsty killer. Scene 9: Hotel Carmilla - Lorena, Bill Lorena is on her bed. Flash Back Lorena, Bill, Sydney and his woman are at Sydney's home. Bill: You have a lovely home. Sydney: Thank you. Bill: You're we-we-we-welcome. We'll enjoy living in it. Lorena: Put him in the armchair. Face it toward the bed so he can watch. Sydney: What? Watch what? Bill: Say "au revoir." Say it! Au revoir. Woman: Why are you doing this? Bill: Because we can. Bill feeds from the woman. Lorena kills Sydney. Bill: Wait. Lorena: What is it? Bill takes the necklace of the woman and gives it to Lorena. Bill: I want you to have this. Lorena: You are so thoughtful and generous. I love you, William Compton. They make love while the woman is dying. End flash back. Lorena has the necklace around her neck. Scene 10: In the woods - Tara, Eggs Tara: We've been walking for over 45 minutes, and you still haven't told me where we're going. Eggs: I did. I said I don't know. Tara: "I don't know" ain't a place, Eggs. It's a state of mind I don't like being in. Eggs: What the f***? Tara: Eggs. Eggs: I've been here before. Tara: I thought you said... Eggs: I know what I said... so I guess I haven't, but I have. I don't... oh Tara. Now, something happened here. Something horrible happened. Tara: That's pretty f****** obvious. Eggs: You think this is funny? Tara: No, but it don't make any sense, and when sh1t don't make sense, it means there's a logical explanation you just haven't thought of yet. Maybe it's from when you were a kid. Maybe somebody brought you here. Eggs: I... Tara, I grew up in foster homes in Memphis, and when you grow up like that, people ain't trying to take you on f****** vacations. Now, I know one thing. I've been here before. I just don't even... There's blood on a rock. Tara: S***. Is that blood? Eggs: We must have walked a mile and a half, maybe two miles, and I had no idea where we were going... but then we end up right here looking at this? Tara, this ain't no f****** coincidence. He's crying. Tara: Come on, let's get you home. Take it slow. Scene 11: FotS - Steve, Sarah, Sookie, Hugo, Gabe Steve (on the phone): See you soon. He hangs up. Careful now. Hugo: Careful? About what? Steve: Sometimes when we open these doors, so much love comes flowing out that it'll knock you down if you're not ready for it. Sookie: We'll be sure to brace ourselves. Steve and Sarah open the doors of the church. Sookie: Oh, my gosh. Sarah: I know. I just love it in here. The way it glows like it does. Particularly in the late afternoon. Steve: It's inspiring, isn't it? Sookie: It really is. Hugo: Yessirree. This is where we're getting married. I can't wait to see you walk down this aisle. Sookie: Me either. Steve: Have either of you ever been to a lock-in? Sookie: A lock-in? Steve voice off: Course she hasn't. She's no Christian. Steve: Oh, yeah, it's loads of fun. Everybody brings their sleeping bags... Sarah voice off: Come on Steve. Don't bring the girl into this. She's probably so scared, she doesn't want to do this. Those vampires made her do it. Steve voice off: They say she can hear me. I wonder if that fang-lover freak can hear me right now. She sure don't look normal. Sookie: That lock-in does sound like fun. Rufus, we gotta go home and get our sleeping bags now. Hugo: But honey, the tour's not even over yet. Sookie: I know, honey, but I think we really ought to go so we can come back for the lockdown. Steve: There's plenty of time to get ready. The lock-in is not until tomorrow night. Gabe: You wanted to see me? Steve: Oh good. Holly, Rufus, I'd like you to meet an aide of mine. This is Gabe. Hugo: Pleased to meet you. Sookie: Hi. Gabe voice off: Nice, very nice. She's got the perfect amount of titties showing. Steve: Gabe here is gonna be joining us for the rest of the tour. Scene 12: On the road/in the woods - Andy, Daphne, Sam Andy is driving and drinking. He sees a dog and a pig pass on the road. Andy: I know that pig. He stops the car and goes down. He runs after them. Andy: Pig! Hey, pig! Wait up, pig! He falls down; the animals are gone. Andy: Stupid f****** pig. Daphne: How amazingly exhilarating was that? Sam: My heart's still pounding. Daphne: I know. Mine too. Sam: Hey, why'd you become a pig? Because I was expecting to see you become a doe again. Daphne: Pig is my go-to shift. Sam: It almost seemed like Andy recognized you. You know? The way he was yelling at you, like, "Pig!" "Pig!" Daphne: Isn't "pig" exactly what you would call a pig that you didn't know? Sam: Yeah, but still, it's... it's weird. Daphne: Hush. Scene 13: Merlotte's - Lafayette, Pam Lafayette is working when Pam arrives in the kitchen. Pam: Remember me? Lafayette: Oh, s***. Pam: You do. How's life? Lafayette: Not so good. Is you real? Pam: This is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch. Lafayette: What is you doing here? I ain't said nothing to nobody. Pam: And I knew you wouldn't. Lafayette: Why didn't the f*** y'all just glamour me, huh? Pam: Poor thing. We would have, but then you wouldn't remember that you owed us. Lafayette: Owe you? Pam: Eric sent me with a request. You're back in business. Lafayette: Oh, no, I ain't. I'm out of that sh1t. Pam: So sorry, but you're very much back in this sh1t. Lafayette: You locked me up and tortured me for damn near three motherf****** weeks because you caught me selling V. and now...? Pam: Now what? Lafayette: What the f*** is vampires doing selling V anyway? Pam: We're not, you are. Get to work. Scene 14: FotS - Steve, Sarah, Sookie, Hugo, Gabe Steve: Now I'd like to take you all to see a very special part if the church. Sookie: There's more? Steve: Yes. My father's tomb. It's on the lower level. Sarah: Honey, are you sure? Steve: Absolutely, darling. Sarah: Steve, I just don't see why we need to take 'em down there. Steve: You can feel the presence of his spirit. Sookie: It's okay, we don't need to see it. Steve: Oh, I insist. Our church was built on, much like St. Peter's tomb in the Catholic Church, only without being polluted by evil. Did you know that there was actually a vampire pope back in the Middle Ages? Steve opens the door. Sookie: Rufus. Steve: What's the matter? Rufus: It's no big deal. She just has a tiny little case of claustrophobia. We both do, actually. Steve: Well, at least take a quick little look-see, in that way you can say you saw the whole church and you make informed discussions. Sarah: Steve. Steve: It's all right, Sarah. This is something they need to see. Sookie: But we've already decided that we're getting married here, so how about we go back to our apartment, we'll look at a calendar and we'll call you on the phone to set the date. Steve: No.Gabe. Steve and Gabe take them and bring them down. Sookie: Get off me! Scene 15: Hotel Carmilla - Bill, Lorena Bill hears Sookie screaming. He's on his bed; he wakes up. Lorena: Is something happening to your human? Bill: Lorena! Scene 16: FotS: Sookie, Steve, Sarah Sookie: Let go of me! Steve: Come on! A little help here, Gabe! Pretty sure the banger's on V, the f****** c**t! Sarah: Steve! Sookie: Help! Scene 17: Hotel Carmilla - Bill, Lorena Lorena holds Bill and is on him. Lorena: I made you. Your blood knows mine. You will never physically overpower me. Scene 18: FotS - Sookie, Steve, Gabe, Sarah Gabe: I got her! Sarah: I'm sorry. Steve: Stop fighting me! Scene 19: Sookie's home - Eggs, Tara Eggs and Tara arrive home. There are bottles of beer, plates and glasses on the floor. Tara: What the hell? Eggs: Just when I thought today couldn't get any f****** freakier. Tara: People are pigs. Eggs: You got that right. There are clothes too on the floor. Tara: Here. Take this joint. They go out of the house, from the other side, following the clothes. Eggs: Shouldn't have smoked that joint, because this is really freaking my sh1t out. Tara: I feel like that kid in E.T. except instead of following Reese's Pieces, we following clothes. Eggs: I ain't never seen E.T. but Reese's Pieces sound real good. Tara: Don't they though? They hear voices and go there. They see people making love in the garden and Maryann in the middle. They all have black eyes. Scene 20: Hotel Carmilla - Jessica, Hoyt Jessica wakes up. She begins to empty the bottle of Tru Blood when someone knocks on the door. Jessica: Who is it? Hoyt: It's... it's Hoyt. Jessica: Hoyt! Hoyt: Come on, open up. I know you must be mad at me. I'm so sorry. My mama canceled my cell service and I had no way to get in touch. I got here as fast as I could. She opens the door. Hoyt: I'm so sorry, Jessica. Jessica: I can't believe it. You came all this way? Hoyt: You're not mad at me? Jessica: No. I'm so happy, I could cry, but I don't want to because it's really gross when I do. Hoyt: And I'm sorry about the flowers too. I got 'em in Bon Temps before I left and it was just really hot in my car. Jessica: They're beautiful. They kiss. Scene 21: FoTs - Jason, Sarah Jason comes in the church. Jason: Hello. Steve? Sarah? Anyone? Sarah: I'm up here. Up here on the balcony. Steve: I just wanted to tell you that uh, Luke and me, we're done with the... the platform. Sarah: Great. Thank you. Jason: Are you crying? He goes up on the balcony. Sarah: I'm sorry. You're not supposed to see me like this. Jason: That's okay. Really. What's the matter? Sarah: It's Steve. He's not the man I thought he was. Jason: Sarah. Your husband is a great man. And I feel bad about what we did last night too, but we can't try to make it easier on ourselves by... by blaming the victim. Sarah: Jason, you and Luke and all the others, you're not being trained to defend us. He wants to use you to start a war. Does that sound like a great man to you? Jason: What? Sarah: Well, he's not one. And I thought he was, but lately I've been seeing a side of him I never did before. He's vicious and he's cruel and he uses the C-word. And he lies to me, Jason. Our marriage has always been a partnership, but now he's shutting me out. Jason: Come on, now. Here. Don't... don't cry. Now, all gone. (She tries to kiss him) I should go. Sarah: When I was a little girl, I realized that I had a calling. And I was put here on this Earth to be that great woman behind her great man. And when Steve came into my life, I thought he was that man. But now I see it clear as day. I'm supposed to be with you. Jason: Hey, hey. We can't. it's wrong. You're married. Sarah: Not in my heart. Not anymore. And how can this be wrong if it's what God's commanding me to do. Jason: Think God really wants this? Sarah: Yes. Jason: You talk to him? Sarah: Every single day of my life. And he wants this, Jason. Oh, God, I promise. They kiss and make love. Scene 22: Outside Sookie's house - Daphne, Sam Sam and Daphne are walking in the woods. Sam: Where are you taking me? Daphne: Don't be such a nervous Nellie. It's a surprise. What? You don't like drums? Sam: It's just that in my experience, no good can come from drum music. Follow it and all it ever leads you to is hippies and cults. Daphne: Not this time. People come and hold Sam. Sam: Daphne. Daphne: Sorry, Sam. They bring him somewhere. Sam: What the hell's going on? They arrive at Maryann's orgy. Sam: What the f*** is this? Daphne: It's the end of the road. Daphne takes the Taurus' head and put it on Maryann. Sam screams.
Plan: A: Godric's minion; Q: Who is Isabel? A: her human boyfriend; Q: Who is Hugo? A: Eric; Q: Who summons Lorena to the hotel? A: Lorena; Q: Who overpowers Bill? A: Sam; Q: Who is dragged to the orgy by two people? A: Daphne; Q: Who helps Maryann into a bull's head mask? A: Eggs; Q: Who leads Tara to a remote spot in the woods? A: the environment; Q: What does Eggs sense something familiar about? A: Tara; Q: Who witnesses Maryann in her blurry supernatural state? A: Hoyt; Q: Who tells his mother that Jessica is a vampire? A: his girlfriend; Q: Who does Hoyt tell his mother is a vampire? A: his disappearance; Q: What does Andy want Lafayette to tell him about? A: horrible flashbacks; Q: What does Lafayette have when Andy threatens to lock him up? A: a ball; Q: What does Lafayette collapse into after being threatened with being locked up? A: the Fellowship Church; Q: Where are Luke and Jason summoned to build a crucifix platform? A: the cross; Q: What is a vampire tied to in the ceremony called "meet the sun"? A: just before dawn; Q: When is a vampire tied to a cross and left to burn in the sun? A: abstinence; Q: What does Jason decide to practice while talking with Luke? A: the church; Q: Where does Sarah take Sookie and Hugo? A: Sarah; Q: Who introduces Sookie and Hugo to Steve? A: the Newlins; Q: Who has a vampire locked in the basement? A: the drill instructor; Q: Who is Gabe? A: Steve's thoughts; Q: What does Sookie read after meeting Gabe? A: their mission; Q: What did someone tell the Fellowship about Sookie and Hugo? A: Pam; Q: Who orders Lafayette to start dealing V again? A: V; Q: What does Pam order Lafayette to start dealing again? A: a shape-shifting run; Q: What do Sam and Daphne go on together? A: a pig; Q: What does Daphne change into when she goes on a run with Sam? A: grave danger; Q: What does Bill sense Sookie is in? A: all the way; Q: How far did Hoyt drive to Dallas to visit Jessica? A: Sookie's house; Q: Where do Tara and Eggs go to find out what is going on with the townspeople? A: the townspeople; Q: Who is taking part in an orgy organized by Maryann? A: an orgy; Q: What is the ritual that Maryann is preparing for? A: God's will; Q: What does Sarah convince Jason that they were meant to be together? A: the balcony; Q: Where do Sarah and Jason have sex? A: the drum music; Q: What is Sam hesitant about when Daphne tries to lead him to the orgy? A: Two people; Q: How many people grab Sam and drag him to the orgy? A: trance-induced sex; Q: What is Tara and Eggs doing at the orgy? A: a bull's head mask and Carl approaches; Q: What does Daphne help Maryann into? A: Carl; Q: Who is the man with the sacrificial knife? Summary: Godric's minion, Isabel, drops in on Bill and Sookie with her human boyfriend, Hugo. He and Sookie prepare to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun. Eric, meanwhile, has summoned Lorena to the hotel in order to drive Bill and Sookie apart. While there, Lorena ruminates on her and Bill's violent past together. Sam and Daphne continue to grow closer, both physically and emotionally. During one of Maryann's errands, Eggs senses something familiar about the environment, and leads Tara to a remote spot in the woods. The two suspect that something bad happened there. Hoyt tells his mother that his girlfriend is a vampire. Andy interrogates Lafayette about his disappearance and threatens to lock him up. Lafayette then has horrible flashbacks of being locked up and collapses into a ball. He is comforted by Andy's cousin Terry. Luke and Jason are summoned to the Fellowship Church to build a crucifix platform for a ceremony called "meet the sun," in which a vampire will be tied to the cross just before dawn and left to burn in the sun. While talking with Luke, Jason somewhat hesitantly decides to practice abstinence. Sookie and Hugo are greeted at the church by Sarah, who introduces them to Steve. It doesn't take Sookie long to find out that the Newlins have a vampire locked in the basement. After meeting Gabe, the drill instructor, Sookie reads Steve's thoughts and finds out that someone has tipped off the Fellowship about their mission. Both Sookie and Hugo are captured and dragged into the basement while a teary-eyed Sarah watches helplessly. Pam visits Lafayette and orders him to start dealing V again. Sam and Daphne go on a shape-shifting run together, with Daphne shifting into a pig. They are chased by Andy, who thinks he recognizes the pig from one of Maryann's parties. Lorena drops in on Bill who tries to resist her, sensing Sookie is in grave danger, but Lorena, also knowing that Sookie is in danger, overpowers him. Hoyt drives all the way to Dallas to visit Jessica. Tara and Eggs return to Sookie's house, where following a trail of clothes they find some of the townspeople taking part in an orgy organized by Maryann. Tara witnesses Maryann in her blurry supernatural state. At the church, Sarah turns to Jason for help, saying that they were meant to be together. Jason tries to resist, but she convinces him that it's God's will and they end up having sex on the balcony. Daphne tries to lead Sam towards the orgy , but he is hesitant about the drum music. Two people jump out of the woods and grab Sam, dragging him to the orgy, where he sees the ritual (which now includes Tara and Eggs, also in trance-induced sex) taking place. Daphne helps Maryann into a bull's head mask and Carl approaches with a sacrificial knife.
MUSIC IN: INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SCENES OF THE NIGHT CLUB) NILES: Whooee!! This place is on fire! (IN SPANISH) Muy caliente. SHREWE: Nice accent. NILES: Works for her. SHREWE: With the Sangria she's downed, Swahili would work for her. NILES: Where'd Wilkes go? SHREWE: Ah...I don't know. He just kind of wandered off. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/WILKES WALKS THROUGH THE NIGHTCLUB) PATRON: (IN SPANISH) Hey, watch where you're going. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/WILKES STANDS IN THE FREEZER SHIVERING) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - DAY "HIGH SEAS"(SFX: GAME ON TV B.G.) (SFX: GIBBS WORKS ON THE BOAT B.G.) (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (ON TAPE) Gibbs. Talk. BURLEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs, Stan Burley. Put down whatever the hell you're doing with that stupid boat and pick up! I'm working a case on the Enterprise. I sure could use some help on this one. Really could use your help, boss. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay, you got my interest. What's going on, Stan? BURLEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Two days ago an Arresting Gear... (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) BURLEY: (V.O.) ... Operator went wacko on Liberty in Roda. (SCENE CUT) BURLEY: (INTO PHONE) His crewmates found him naked in a restaurant freezer. His body temperature was one oh six. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What kind of drugs? (SCENE CUT) BURLEY: (INTO PHONE) Well, I'm thinking amphetamines. Still waiting for the tox report. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, to trigger the seizure you're describing, chances are he's a chronic drug user. BURLEY: (V.O./FILTERED) You'd think. (SCENE CUT) BURLEY: (INTO PHONE) Only his last random piss test was negative. That was less than three weeks ago. I'm in a squeeze, Gibbs. (V.O./FILTERED) I don't have enough (INTO PHONE) time to work on this one by myself. (JET LANDS B.G.) (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) KATE: (V.O.) How long did Burley work here? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: Five years. TONY: Five years with Gibbs? Amazing the guy didn't end up in a straight jacket. GIBBS: What was that? TONY: Oh, nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills. ABBY: I really miss Burley. He was cool, you know. DUCKY: Listen, when you see Agent Burley, would one of you mind giving him this? KATE: No problem. DUCKY: Cricket ball. Well, he was not only an amazing agent; he was also an incredible athlete. And cricket was one of the few games he wasn't an expert in. TONY: Ah, shame. DUCKY: Yeah, I think he'll get a kick out of it. ABBY: Of course he will. He gets a kick out of everything. I love that guy! GIBBS: Okay. The COD's waiting for us. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. FLIGHT DECK TONY: Just accept the fact that you're going to get lost. KATE: Why do you assume I'm going to? TONY: Because everyone does. A carrier is a big and confusing place first time on board. KATE: Duly noted. GIBBS: The numbers are stenciled on the bulkheads. First one tells you the deck level. They're called bull's-eyes. KATE: Deck level. GIBBS: The second one the frame number. Third tells you the compartment's position in relation to the ship's centerline. The last letter tells you what the space is used for. TONY: Crossing from port to starboard or starboard to port isn't as simple as going straight across. GIBBS: Sometimes you've got to go up one deck and down another. TONY: Or down one deck and up another. GIBBS: Sometimes two. TONY: It's frustrating. GIBBS: Not to mention confusing. But you'll get the hang of it. TONY: After you get lost a few times. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. CARRIER - DAY AIR BOSS: (V.O.) Arresting gear control, this is Pri-fly. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PRI-FLY - DAY AIR BOSS: We've got a COD in the groove. GEAR TALKER: (V.O./FILTERED) Gear set for a COD. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COD CREW CHIEF: (V.O.) Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds till trap. GIBBS: You okay? Good. Just so you know, this isn't like landing in a seven forty seven. KATE: I sort of assumed. GIBBS: Dropping from a hundred and twenty knots to zero in one second can take it out of you. Just try to... (SFX: COD LANDS) GIBBS: ....breathe normally. KATE: (BREATHES OUT) Whew [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) Tox report come back yet, Stan? BURLEY: Just like we thought. Traces of meth in the bloodstream. GIBBS: His urine was negative just twenty seven days ago? BURLEY: According to the Urinalysis Coordinator, clean as a whistle. TONY: Where's this Petty Officer Wilkes now? BURLEY: Still in sick bay. You the one at my desk now? TONY: That's right. Gibb's must have told you about me. BURLEY: Actually no. Abby mentioned it in passing. Just assigned? TONY: Two years. BURLEY: Really? Huh. (VOICE OVER P.A. B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGE WAY - DAY GIBBS: You said he was an Arresting Gear Operator? BURLEY: Yes, boss. GIBBS: The same crewmen with him in Rota work the flight deck here? BURLEY: All of them are on Chief Petty Officer Reyes' crew. GIBBS: Anyone else suspected of using, Stan? BURLEY: Not so far. GIBBS: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BURLEY'S OFFICE - DAY KATE: What buddies were with him that night? BURLEY: Petty Officers Niles and Shrewe. They berth on deck five. designator five, fifty-six, two, L. KATE: I'll be fine. Oh, and this is for you from Ducky.(KATE WALKS O.S.) TONY: If Wilkes was tweaking, Reyes would have noticed. BURLEY: I didn't get much out of Reyes in my interview. You're welcome to try. GIBBS: You're looking good, Stan. BURLEY: I appreciate you coming, boss. GIBBS: (TO TONY) You waiting on something? TONY: Oh no. I'm gone. (TONY WALKS O.S.) GIBBS: I'd like to see Wilkes in action. Can you get me deck tapes of him during flight ops? BURLEY: Only about a hundred hours. GIBBS: Is that all? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY SEAMAN: Excuse me, Ma'am.(VOICE OVER P.A. B.G.) SEAMAN ONE: Uh...can I help you, Ma'am? KATE: This isn't the deck five berthing compartment, is it? SEAMAN ONE: This is the men's head on deck six, Ma'am. KATE: Uh, sorry. How do I get to deck five? SEAMAN ONE: You go aft, past bulkhead one twenty six, down the starboard ladder, through the hatch. KATE: Thanks. SEAMAN ONE: Ma'am? Ma'am? Aft. (SFX: SEAMAN URINATES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SICK BAY - DAY WILKES: That's impossible. I don't use drugs. GIBBS: Your blood test says otherwise. WILKES: Then it must be a false positive. GIBBS: Before you joined up, you were an emergency medical tech. You tell me how often that usually happens. Maybe it's just a whim. Or maybe you like hanging out in walk-in freezers in your birthday suit. WILKES: I don't know what happened, Sir. I was feeling light headed and hot. Really hot. GIBBS: Well your body temperature was a hundred and six. That's high enough to kill most men, unless their cardiovascular system was being boosted by some sort of synthetic stimulant. WILKES: Somebody must have slipped something into my drink. GIBBS: Any idea who that someone might have been? WILKES: No, Sir. GIBBS: Any idea who provided the meth? WILKES: No, Sir! GIBBS: You know what, I'm trying to help you out here, Petty Officer. If you try to float this story at your court martial hearing, they will laugh your ass all the way to Leavenworth. Where did you get it? Shrewe? WILKES: No! GIBBS: From Niles? WILKES: I don't do drugs! And no one else on my crew does either! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BERTHING COMPARTMENT - DAY KATE: Deck five berthing? CREWMAN: Yes, ma'am. KATE: Thank god. CREWMAN: Ma'am, it's S.O.P women are supposed to announce themselves in designated male quarters of the ship. KATE: NCIS Special Agent Kate Todd. I'm announced. Can you tell me where I can find Petty Officers Niles and Shrewe? CREWMAN: I haven't seen Shrew lately, but Niles just went up to work out in the hangar bay. KATE: Hangar bay? CREWMAN: Deck one, frame number one fifty, the compartment next to usage Q. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR BAY - DAY (SFX: WEIGHTS CLANG B.G.) NILES: I'll be honest with you, Ma'am. I did my fair share of partying when I was in high school, experimented with pot and all that. KATE: You still experimenting? NILES: Absolutely not, Ma'am. Wildest I get now is a pitcher of sangria and a couple of beers. I'd never even consider something like meth. KATE: What about Petty Officer Wilkes? NILES: Solid as they come, Ma'am. Fourth generation Navy. His grandfather was a gunner's mate on the Arizona. Wilkes would never disgrace the uniform. KATE: Well, I've got news for you, Petty Officer Niles. He did. NILES: I can't explain it, Ma'am. KATE: Can't or won't? NILES: Code of silence stuff doesn't fly too well on the Flight Deck, Ma'am. There's no room for screw ups. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRIDGE - DAY ARBRING: We're being temporarily rerouted to assist in a search and rescue. A private yacht has gone missing. We are closest to the area so the Coast Guard has requested our help. It's a shame really. So close to home and these men now have to turn around and go back. GIBBS: That's why you're resuming flight ops. ARBRING: If there's a drug problem, I need it stopped. I need to know who it is and why testing procedures haven't picked it up. GIBBS: We'll do the best we can, Skipper. ARBRING: I'm sure you will. Lives depend on it. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY CHIEF REYES: (SHOUTS) That wire's looking tired, gentlemen! Strip wire! Move! Move! Double time! let's go! Today, gentlemen! Hurry up! Thirty seconds and the next landing's on top of you! We're not sunbathing, Hancock! Let's go! Let's go! Not up to speed. Two seconds slower than the last time. All right. Stand by. We've got an E-two landing in five minutes. (TO TONY) I heard NCIS was bringing in the cavalry.(DIALOGUE OVER ACTION/MEN RACE TO THE DECK TO PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF) TONY: Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You're pushing your guys pretty hard, Chief, considering it's just a search and rescue run. CHIEF REYES: I always push my men hard, Sir. They've got to be ready. Tomorrow it might not be search and rescue. We might be back in the soup in Iraq. TONY: Still, don't you ever lay off, give your men a break? CHIEF REYES: My philosophy is if you got to do a job, you got to do it right one hundred and ten percent. That's why my men are the best, Sir. TONY: How did Petty Officer Wilkes handle being pushed? CHIEF REYES: He does okay. TONY: Ever show any signs of stress? CHIEF REYES: Fourteen hours a day on a flight deck during combat Ops, everyone shows signs of stress, Sir. TONY: You ever notice anything unusual in his behavior? Anxiety attacks? Irritability? Mood swings? CHIEF REYES: Not that I ever saw, Sir. If there's nothing else, I've got to prepare for the next aircraft, Sir. AIR BOSS: (V.O.) Ready Decky Two. Call the ball. PILOT: (V.O.) Roger. One ball two point five. SHREWE: (SHOUTS) The ball! Did he call the ball!? Did the flier call the meatball? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PRI-FLY AIR BOSS: (INTO MIC) Get that green shirt off my deck! We've got an aircraft on final approach! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK HANDLER: Shrewe, get off the deck!! SHREWE: (SHOUTS) Wave him off, Sir! Wave him off! Cable snap!!! (COD ABORTS THE LANDING) (SHREWE COLLAPSES ON THE DECK/CRYING /SHIVERING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SICK BAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) CORPSMAN: You don't know for certain, but I don't think he's in any real danger now. I've got him pretty heavily sedated. GIBBS: What does it look like? CORPSMAN: I really won't know until the tox report comes through. GIBBS: I appreciate that, Doc, but I don't have time to wait for a tox report. In your considerable experience, what's your best guess? CORPSMAN: It looks like the same situation we have with Petty Officer Wilkes. KATE: Methamphetamines? CORPSMAN: Most likely. GIBBS: Chronic, long term use? CORPSMAN: With his symptoms, it would have to be. TONY: Yet his last random piss test was negative, just like Petty Officer Wilkes. CORPSMAN: Well, it doesn't make much sense. GIBBS: No, it doesn't. When can I talk with him? CORPSMAN: Well, that's hard for me to say, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Well, let me make it easier for you, Doc. Fifteen hundred. Consciousness will make the interview go much smoother. GIBBS: (V.O.) Toss Shrewe's rack. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR BAY - DAY TONY: Got it. GIBBS: Go over everything, and I mean everything. Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there's such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that, too. Find out where the Urinalysis Coordinator likes to let it all hang out. KATE: Okay. GIBBS: I want to find out about this testing procedure. How it all works. See if there's any way that anyone can beat it. You and me, we're gonna have a flight deck film festival. See if you can arrange some place we can watch those tapes. BURLEY: I have one of the ready rooms on hold, boss. GIBBS: Always anticipating, Stan. Some things never change. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BERTHING AREA - DAY TONY: Can I help you, Petty Officer? NILES: Lot of messy racks around here lately. TONY: Gonna be a lot more 'till we find what we're looking for. NILES: No disrespect, Sir, but like I told your partner, none of the guys on my crew.... TONY: (OVERLAP)...on my crew use drugs. I've heard the party line so many times it's like a bad song I can't get out of my head. NILES: You don't understand, Sir! TONY: I do understand! Two of your guys are in sick bay with enough meth in their bloodstreams to kill a herd of Navy goats. For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. READY ROOM - DAY BURLEY: (V.O.) Got ants in his pants? GIBBS: (V.O.) Question is, who's putting them there? BURLEY: Rota was our last liberty port after we left the Gulf. GIBBS: This tape was done before they hit Rota. BURLEY: Well, maybe he stocked up at Naples or Nice. GIBBS: Is that the best you can do, Stan, after working under me five years? BURLEY: Well, at least I don't taint evidence when I bag and tag. GIBBS: I tripped. One time. BURLEY: As I remember, it was because your eyes were glued to some little... GIBBS: Do you mind if we get back to tape now? BURLEY: Sure, boss. GIBBS: We have a job to do, remember? BURLEY: I do, boss. GIBBS: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY KATE: Petty Officer. GOMEZ: Ma'am? KATE: You just came out of the Urinalysis Coordinator's office. GOMEZ: I hope not, ma'am. I just got a hair cut in there. KATE: Go ahead. Tell me how many bulkheads, hatches and passageways I have to traverse to get there. GOMEZ: It's right next door. KATE: Of course it is. Thank you, Petty Officer. GOMEZ: No problem, Ma'am. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NORSKI'S OFFICE - DAY NORSKI: We don't do the actual testing on board. What we do is we collect the samples and record the data and ship them off to a land-based lab. KATE: Obviously with such a large crew, you test them in batches. NORSKI: The computer generates a random list - about twenty five or thirty a day. KATE: Do you....watch? NORSKI: Of course we watch. Someone from security accompanies them to the head and observes casually by mirror. KATE: And if someone wanted to beat it? NORSKI: Ma'am? KATE: (BEAT) The system. NORSKI: Oh. They try. Detox drinks, herbal tea, vinegar. Some try slipping bleach crystals in. Or even passing off a shipmate's clean sample as their own. KATE: How do they do that if they're being watched? NORSKI: You fill it up with someone else's urine, slip the balloon in your underwear and tape the tube to the underside of you... KATE: Ah, I get the picture. Obviously it didn't work. NORSKI: Well, balloons aren't the sturdiest of containers. If you want to examine it... KATE: That won't be necessary. How about the other methods that you mentioned? NORSKI: Most of them don't fly. But every once in a while one does slip through. No system's perfect. KATE: How about twice within six weeks? NORSKI: Unlikely, but like I said, anything's possible. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY TONY: Lost?(DOOR CLOSES) KATE: No. TONY: How's it going? KATE: What do you mean? TONY: You know what I mean. Finding your way around the ship and all. KATE: It's going fine. TONY: Good, I'm glad. Really glad. KATE: I admit, it was a little confusing at first. I had a few... you know... TONY: False starts. KATE: Complete disasters. But I think I've got a pretty good handle on it now. TONY: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SICKBAY - DAY GIBBS: This is the second time I have had to come down here to talk to a member of your crew. SHREWE: I don't know what to tell you, Sir. GIBBS: Why don't you tell me how two members of the same crew who work the same team flip out on meth within a few days of each other? SHREWE: Meth? GIBBS: Yeah. It's a fine white powder cooked up in trailer parks. Makes people do funny things, like freak out on a flight deck with a plane on final approach. SHREWE: Sir, there's gotta be a mistake. I've never done drugs. GIBBS: Never? SHREWE: Not once in my life, Sir. It's against my morals. I feel the same way about alcohol and tobacco. GIBBS: Is that so? SHREWE: Yes, Sir. I even reported a guy for smoking some pot on my last cruise. GIBBS: Well, it makes a nice story to cover your own ass in case they catch you with the real deal. SHREWE: I'm telling the truth, Sir. (SFX: MACHINE SOLID BEEP TONE) MILANO: Code blue! We've got a code blue! DOCTOR: Crash cart! CORPSMAN: Coming in! DOCTOR: Start the charge. CORPSMAN: Lead lines in. DOCTOR: Charge to two hundred joules. CORPSMAN: Clear. DOCTOR: All clear! (SFX: ELECTRICAL SHOCK) MILANO: No response. DOCTOR: Three hundred joules! CORPSMAN: Charging. DOCTOR: All clear! (SFX: ELECTRICAL SHOCK) MILANO: Three sixty?(SFX: SOLID BEEP TONE B.G.) DOCTOR: Won't help. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY VOICE OVER P.A.: (V.O.) ...Gentlemen. Keep your eyes peeled. Don't miss a thing. GIBBS: Wilkes was killed, probably because he was going to give up the supplier. TONY: Makes sense. KATE: Yeah, well what makes no sense is that these boys are involved at all. Now Wilkes was a proud Navy legacy, and Shrewe was a Boy Scout. GIBBS: That's what they want you to think. Drugs addicts learn the art of the con fast. KATE: Well, I had the lab that tested the urine samples send them to Abby for retesting. GIBBS: Good. TONY: Where's Burley? GIBBS: Watching more flight deck footage. TONY: Still? GIBBS: Yeah, he's been at it almost eighteen hours now. He's always been this way. I'll see how he's doing. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) KATE: It's not the same thing you know. TONY: What? KATE: Well, you and Gibbs, Burley and Gibbs. TONY: What are you talking about? KATE: It was a different dynamic, you know, a different time. You can't compare the relationships. TONY: Who's comparing? KATE: All I'm saying is that things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface... kind of. TONY: I have no idea what you said. KATE: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Petty Officer Robert Wilkes. You are a bit of a puzzle, aren't you, my lad? A secured room, no sign of trauma. JACKSON: No bruising or ligature marks. DUCKY: Let's rule out strangulation; if that's okay by you. JACKSON: Color's good. No cyanosis. DUCKY: You weren't suffocated by a pillow. Poisoned, perhaps? Well, we'll soon see. You'll tell Ducky everything eventually. They all do, you know. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. READY ROOM -- DAY GIBBS: I brought you a bagel. BURLEY: You remembered! Bacon, sausage, eggs, onions, cream cheese and jalapenos. GIBBS: You want to fill me in here? BURLEY: This is interesting. (BURLEY AND GIBBS WATCH THE MONITOR) GIBBS: What is Chief Petty Officer Reyes handing them? BURLEY: It's hard to tell from this distance. GIBBS: Can you get closer? BURLEY: We'll have to enhance the tape. GIBBS: Uplink the footage to Abby. First find DiNozzo and Kate. Have then check out the Air Boss's take on Reyes. You have a glob on your shirt there, Stan. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK CHIEF REYES: (SHOUTS) Twenty five more burpies! Get on it! Let's go! Let's go!(MEN EXERCISE B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PRI-FLY AIR BOSS: Chief Reyes is one of the most committed men I've ever worked with.(SFX: CHIEF REYES CONTINUES B.G.) KATE: He runs his crew hard. AIR BOSS: And they appreciate him for it. TONY: Aside from the two incidents, have you noticed anything out of the ordinary the past few weeks? AIR BOSS: Not unless you consider a fifty percent above average performance out of the ordinary. KATE: That's quite a record. AIR BOSS: With two new guys, he's falling behind a little but that's expected. He'll get them up to speed. He always does. (CAMERA ANGLE CLOSE ON CHIEF REYES) CHIEF REYES: Come on! Let's go! Work it! Work it!(CHIEF REYES CONTINUES B.G.) KATE: Why get them up to speed at all? It's only a rescue mission after which they're going home. AIR BOSS: Because that's Chief Reyes, Ma'am. CHIEF REYES: (SHOUTS/V.O.) Work it out! Work it out! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK CHIEF REYES: What's your problem, Hatcher? Getting winded? Girlfriend teach you anything about stamina?! You're playing catch-up! Lose this race, you'll be tooth brushing urinals. Think this wasn't a race, huh? You just thought it was an exercise! Well, well. We finally found something you're good at, Hatcher. Lying down! What are you looking at, Stewart? Did I say stop? Give me twenty five more! Let's go! Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Well here is Petty Officer Wilkes with an I.V. drip going into his arm. (ON MONITOR) Please, Gerald, this is not dinner theater. Suppose someone (ON CAMERA) disconnected his I.V. tube at both ends and blew (V.O.) all the liquid out of the tube, leaving (ON MONITOR) nothing but air. Suppose they emptied the (ON CAMERA) saline bag half way... that should be about it. The I.V. tube is attached. This blue balloon taped to Gerald's arm represents his vein. (V.O.) And the valve is inserted (ON MONITOR) into the bag. Air (ON CAMERA) is blown into the tube using this one way valve. The air is trapped. When I open the flow rate valve, and squeeze, air is pushed down the tube and into the vein and death occurs....oh, within sixty seconds. (SFX: WATER POURS INTO THE BOWL) (GERALD SIMULATES DEATH) (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) I do apologize. TONY: So that's what killed Wilkes? (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: I'm pretty certain. (SCENE CUT) KATE: Any way the air could have gotten into the line accidentally? DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Normal air is less than one percent carbon dioxide. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: The gas bubble in Wilkes' heart was six percent c-oh-two. GERALD: That's not air, that was breath. It was deliberate. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: So Duck, this would have had to have been done by someone with medical knowledge? GERALD: (ON MONITOR) Most certainly. DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) You're supposed to be dead. KATE: I'll see what I can find. GIBBS: I'll have Burley meet me in sickbay.(KATE AND GIBBS WALK O.S.) TONY: Burley's probably got his hands full uplinking the tapes. If you want, I'd be happy to...! (DOOR CLOSES) (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SICK BAY - DAY MILANO: I had no reason to kill Petty Officer Wilkes, Sir. GIBBS: Not unless you were supplying him methamphetamines and you were afraid he would talk. MILANO: I wasn't. GIBBS: Your prints were all over that saline bag. MILANO: Sir, I was the attending corpsman. My prints are supposed to be on that bag. Petty Officer Wilkes was alive when I went to change that bag out. When I came back he was dead. That's the truth, Sir. Give me a polygraph, anything! But that is the truth. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SICKBAY WAITING AREA - DAY (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: Where have you been? BURLEY: Waiting for a print match. GIBBS: You were supposed to meet me here, Stan. BURLEY: I thought this was more important. GIBBS: Why don't you let me be the judge of what's more important? BURLEY: Yes, boss. GIBBS: I mean, that is why you called me, right? BURLEY: Gee, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now. GIBBS: What's that? BURLEY: The tightness in my chest, the upset stomach. All the pleasantries that come with working for you. GIBBS: Your breathing's not labored. You're fine. What have you got? BURLEY: There were a second set of prints on the saline bag. GIBBS: Wilkes. BURLEY: You knew he used to be an EMT. GIBBS: You think he killed himself? BURLEY: One of the doctors bent a few rules, let Wilkes take a call from his father. His very proud... retired Chief Petty Officer father. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. READY ROOM ABBY: (ON MONITOR) So Wilkes' urine was clean. No nasty metabolites, no additives. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: There's just one tiny problem. Look at this. (V.O.) It's the exact (ON CAMERA) same urine as Petty Officer Shrewe.(SFX: BEEP TONES) (SCENE CUT) KATE: Someone's replacing their samples. TONY: The Urinalysis Coordinator? KATE: Maybe. Or maybe one of the twenty five Masters at Arms he uses to monitor. (SCENE CUT) TONY: We need to look at the records of all the people on pee patrol. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) So is anybody happy about this? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Is anybody freaked out? It would be nice to have somebody here. (SCENE CUT) KATE: Sorry, Abby. It's just that we've both really got to go. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) What do you want me to do with all this pee? (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY TONY: No, it's three seventy six nine A. We're at five forty five seven E. We need to go up two levels, over to port and then three bulkheads aft. KATE: No, which is why we need to up one level so we can traverse port before heading out. TONY: The ladder two bulkheads down takes us up and across. Is this going to turn into one of those guy/girl things where you insist we stop and ask for directions? KATE: Oh, no. Because unlike you, I know where I'm going. TONY: Then be my guest. I'll be in Admin! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND TONY WALK IN THE CORRIDORS) (VOICE OVER P.A. B.G.) (DOOR OPENS) CLERK: Can I help you? KATE: Special Agent Kate Todd, NCIS. I need to see some record books, please. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PASSAGEWAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY WATCHES THE MEN IN THE LAUNDRY FACILITY) SEAMAN: (V.O.) Excuse me, Sir. ABBY: (V.O.) I was able to bring it way up. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Take a look at this.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) BURLEY: Much better. GIBBS: Right there! Abby, can you get us in closer? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Patience, Gibbs. You can't rush art. (V.O.) Smart money says (ON CAMERA) that that is not a Tic Tac. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY (SFX: JET LANDS B.G.) CHIEF REYES: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! GIBBS: Chief Reyes? CHIEF REYES: Yes. GIBBS: We haven't been introduced. Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. You already know Special Agent Burley. CHIEF REYES: What can I do for you, Sir? GIBBS: You can give me one of those capsules you gave Petty Officer Wilkes during Flight Ops. CHIEF REYES: Sir? BURLEY: We have it all on a flight deck tape, Chief. CHIEF REYES: You can see a capsule from that camera up there? GIBBS: We had it digitally enhanced. I can see the hairs standing up on the back of your neck. CHIEF REYES: What do you think those are, Sir? BURLEY: Meth, Chief. CHIEF REYES: Meth? That's ninety eight percent caffeine. Available over the counter at any pharmacy in Norfolk. Coffee's not allowed on the deck so I give it to my men to keep them going. I would never do anything to jeopardize these men, Sir. I love these men....and I would die for these men. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BURLEY'S OFFICE BURLEY: Standard test pouches. Just like I used in Baltimore. GIBBS: Yeah, DiNozzo was a Baltimore cop before coming to us. BURLEY: Is that right? How long? TONY: Almost two years. BURLEY: And before that? TONY: Philly P.D. KATE: Eighteen months, right? TONY: There were extenuating circumstances. KATE: And what was before Philly, I forgot. Pittsburgh? TONY: Peoria. KATE: Right. TONY: And it doesn't matter how long. All that matters now is that I'm here at NCIS. KATE: Oh, and you've been here for um... refresh my memory... TONY: Two years. What did you do before NCIS, Burley? BURLEY: Ah, just pushing papers around in Washington. TONY: Well, I'm sure it wasn't so bad. GIBBS: How bad can being a Senator's Aide be? BURLEY: It wasn't me. GIBBS: DiNozzo, the kit. TONY: Yeah. The way it works? Simple. Place a small sample of the suspected substance inside the pouch. Seal it. Break the ampoule inside the pouch which releases the test chemicals. If the clear liquid turns a color, we have drugs. (BEAT) Not meth. GIBBS: Well, that pouch might be clear, but my gut's still in living color. All right, get a search authorization. Sweep Chief Petty Officer Reyes' rack. Wait until he's occupied with Flight Ops in the morning. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY (SFX: JET LANDS B.G.) CHIEF REYES: (SHOUTS) Now! Now! Now! Now! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! AIR BOSS: (V.O./FILTERED) Bridge. Air Boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRIDGE - DAY ARBRING: (INTO RADIO) Go Boss. AIR BOSS: (OVER P.A.) Skipper, Mauler Two has located the yacht. There are survivors in the water. One hundred and fifty three miles out on two six zero. ARBRING: (INTO RADIO) Launch the rescue bird. AIR BOSS: (V.O./FILTERED) Aye aye, Sir. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. REYES' QUARTERS BURLEY: There's nothing here. KATE: Nothing that's obvious anyway. TONY: I say it's time we turn off the lights and play in the dark. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: Anywhere Chief Petty Officer Reyes touches can leave residue. KATE: I might have something here. BURLEY: Could be toothpaste. TONY: Could be meth. Bag it. KATE: Hold it. Tony? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BURLEY'S OFFICE (TONY TESTS THE SUBSTANCE) TONY: No, it looks the same as the Alert capsule we tested. KATE: You think we're barking up the wrong tree? GIBBS: Actually, I was thinking just the opposite. Why have the contents of an Alert capsule loose on your locker shelf? BURLEY: Unless you emptied it so you can fill it up with something else. KATE: Then why didn't we find traces of speed? TONY: Because you can be sure Reyes is taking extra precautions with a substance that can put him away. KATE: Okay. Then how do we link Reyes to the meth? GIBBS: By going to the one guy from the original crew who still might be holding some. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR BAY - DAY (NILES WORKS OUT ON THE BAG B.G.) GIBBS: Whoa, a little jumpy today, Petty Officer. NILES: Nah, you know, I just get a little nervous when it gets close to duty time. GIBBS: Reyes works you hard on that flight deck. NILES: Yes, Sir. You've got to keep on top of it. GIBBS: Sounds exhausting to me. NILES: Nothing I can't handle, Sir. GIBBS: Especially when you have yourself a little pick me up. NILES: Sir, I don't know how many times we gotta go over this, but I... GIBBS: (OVERLAP) This is the last time, I promise. My crew is tossing your rack as we speak. NILES: They're not going to find anything. GIBBS: Maybe that's because you have it on you. NILES: You want to search me? Go ahead. But I'm telling you the only pick me up I use is a cup of coffee before I go on duty and a couple of these when I'm on deck! GIBBS: Mind if I hang onto these? NILES: No, Sir! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BURLEY'S OFFICE BURLEY: Meth disguised as caffeine capsules. GIBBS: I'm assuming you didn't find anything in Petty Officer Niles' rack. TONY: Clean as a whistle. KATE: They've been telling the truth all along. They were getting hooked and they didn't even know they were using. BURLEY: How in the hell could a Chief feed his own guys speed? KATE: Are we going to bring him in now? GIBBS: Not yet. All we have is a Petty Officer in possession who claims his highly regarded superior gave it to him without his knowledge. BURLEY: Won't fly well with JAG. GIBBS: We want to get him with the evidence in hand. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PRI-FLY - DAY (SFX: JET LANDS B.G.) AIR BOSS: I'm a little worried about your crew, Chief. They're not where they should be. CHIEF REYES: I'm pushing them, Sir, but I've got two new guys. AIR BOSS: Then push them harder. Your boys have to be sharp. CHIEF REYES: They will be, Sir. AIR BOSS: I hope so, Chief. This will be our last Ops before we head back home. I'd sure hate to go out on a low note, not after what we've all accomplished. CHIEF REYES: I won't let you down, Sir. AIR BOSS: I know you won't. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BRIDGE - DAY XO: The Air Boss, Sir. AIR BOSS: (V.O./FILTERED) I didn't like it, Skipper, but I did it. ARBRING: (INTO PHONE) I appreciate it, Commander. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PASSAGE WAY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CHIEF REYES OPENS DOOR) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BRIDGE - DAY AIR BOSS: (V.O./FILTERED) Rescue One is on location and has commenced rescue operations. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HELICOPTER - DAY VOICE: Bring them on up! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRIDGE - DAY HELO PILOT: (V.O.) We have two survivors on board. Returning home. ARBRING: Well done, Rescue One. (TO XO) Alert sickbay to stand by for casualties. Recall the search aircraft. CREWMAN: Yes, sir. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CHIEF REYES CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR) (BURLEY/TONY AND KATE WALK INTO THE ROOM) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NORSKI'S OFFICE TONY: As you have probably already guessed, we're not here to make a deposit. (DOOR CLOSES) KATE: More like a withdrawal, actually. NORSKI: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at. BURLEY: Oh, I think you do, Lieutenant. Your service record indicates you and Chief Reyes have served on three different ships together. KATE: On each one, the Chief's crew had the distinction of maintaining the highest performance rating. TONY: Thanks, of course, to his capsules and your help in covering up the urine tests. BURLEY: It's over, Lieutenant. Before you pee in your pants, why don't you show us where he keeps his stash. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/HELO LANDS AND UNLOADS PASSENGERS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BRIDGE - DAY ARBRING: Have all search aircraft been recovered. XO: Last two aircraft are down, Sir. ARBRING: Take us home. XO: Aye aye, Sir. Set your course two seven zero. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR BAY - DAY (DOOR OPENS) CHIEF REYES: Why the hell aren't you on the flight deck, Niles? NILES: I don't know, Chief. I ain't felling so hot right now. CHIEF REYES: What do you mean you don't know? We've got aircraft coming in! NILES: I'm beat, man. I don't know what's wrong with me. CHIEF REYES: You've got to get it together, Petty Officer. You've got to suck it up! NILES: I don't think I can, Chief. CHIEF REYES: Come here. This should help you out. NILES: Just one, Chief? CHIEF REYES: Now get the hell on the deck. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/NILES LOOKS AT CHIEF REYES) CHIEF REYES: That's okay, son. You followed orders. That's what a good sailor does. Go on, now. GIBBS: Thanks. CHIEF REYES: These men spent ten months in the Gulf, combat conditions. Twelve hours a day, one hundred and ten degrees on the deck. GIBBS: With you in their face, pumping them up with meth. CHIEF REYES: I gave my men something to help them do their jobs better, and it worked. GIBBS: Explain that to Wilkes's family. CHIEF REYES: I'm sorry about what happened, but I'm not going to make excuses. We got our planes on the deck and out of harms way faster than any other crew. Wilkes was a casualty of war, Agent Gibbs. A hero. GIBBS: Yes, he was, Chief. He was also a victim of a leader who betrayed his trust. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY BURLEY: I have to say it was like déja vu working with you again, boss. GIBBS: Good déja vu or bad? BURLEY: Good. GIBBS AND BURLEY: (IN UNISON) And bad. BURLEY: You know, boss, in all seriousness, you know how much it means to me that... GIBBS: Ah hell, Stan, you're gonna get all huggy on me? BURLEY: I guess I'm not. GIBBS: I didn't think so. 'Bye. BURLEY: 'Bye. KATE: See you, Stan. Thanks. (GIBBS AND KATE WALK O.S.) TONY: You know, in the two years I've worked for Gibbs, he's never shaken my hand once. Never. BURLEY: I was in the office two years before he even looked me in the eye. TONY: Really? BURLEY: And three weeks before he called me by name. Four 'till he got it right. By then I'd actually gotten used to Steve. He must really like you. TONY: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COD - DAY GIBBS: The CAT launch is like the wire landing, only in reverse. We go from zero to a hundred and forty knots in a second and a half. TONY: It's kind of like s*x without all that work. KATE: Everything is like s*x to you, Tony. GIBBS: Cross your arms, chin to your chest. Lean forward as far as you can. KATE: And breathe normally. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/COD LAUNCHES) GIBBS: (V.O.) How are you doing, Kate? Kate? DiNozzo, how's she doing? TONY: (V.O.) She's smiling. (ENDING CREDITS UP) (MUSIC OUT) (MUSIC UP OVER ENDING TITLE AND CREDITS AND OUT)
Plan: A: NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley; Q: Who is on board the USS Enterprise? A: a case; Q: What is Stan Burley investigating on the USS Enterprise? A: assistance; Q: What does Stan Burley call for when a sailor suffers a meth overdose? A: a sailor; Q: Who was admitted to sickbay after a meth overdose? A: a meth overdose; Q: What did a sailor suffer while on leave? A: the sailor; Q: Who claims he's never taken meth? A: Tony; Q: Along with Kate, who accompanied Gibbs to investigate the sailor's death? A: The team; Q: Who discovers that the crew is unusually efficient? A: several senior crew members; Q: Who is behaving strangely on the USS Enterprise? Summary: One of Gibbs's former team members, NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley, who is on board the USS Enterprise investigating a case, calls for assistance when a sailor suffers a meth overdose while on leave, despite the sailor in question claiming that he's never taken the drug. Gibbs, Tony, and Kate fly out to investigate. Not long after their arrival, another sailor is admitted to sickbay under the same circumstances and later dies. The team also discovers that the crew is unusually efficient and several senior crew members are behaving strangely.
Ted (2030): When the marriage approched, some weird stuff started happening. Lily: Why does my stomach hurt? Marshall: I'm sorry, baby. I ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today. Lily: Oh, baby, you know we're lactose-intolerant. Tes: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you suggesting that when one of you feels something, the other feels it, too? Oh, God, you guys are so codependent. Lily: No, we're not. Ted: Oh, really? What about the other day? Flashback. Lily and Marshall are in the kitchen. Lily: Oh, I need to get some eggs. Marshall: Oh, I'll come with you. Marshall accompanies Lily up to the refrigerator. End of flashback. Marshall: Just because we like spending time together doesn't mean we're codependent. Barney: Really? Then whatever happened to your plan of spending the last two weeks before your wedding sleeping apart? Marshall: Okay, we decided not to do that because of... Lily: Logistics. Wedding logistics. Marshall: Frickin' logistics, man. They mess everything up. Ted: You didn't do it because you couldn't do it. Marshall: Sure we could. Robin: Then why don't you? You can stay with me. Lily: It would make our wedding night more special. Marshall: Okay, let's do it. Lily: Done. Marshall: I'm gonna go grab a beer. Lily: I'll come with you. No. I'll stay. At the apartment, Lily's on the phone. Robin and Ted come in... Lily: Okay, I know. You know? I got to go. Good-bye. My mom's driving me cra.... God, you guys are covered in sauce. We'll get to that. Me first. My mom is driving me crazy about the wedding music. The woman takes one cruise to Jamaica, and suddenly, it's "not a party without steel drums." Doesn't everybody know you're not supposed to stress out a bride right before her wedding?! Okay, sauce, go. Ted: Long story. I'll tell you later. Barney: Yeah. It's a dirty story, isn't it? You guys went out to dinner, did it in the kitchen and got caught. Scherbatsky reeks of someone who likes to get caught. Robin: Okay, now I have to wash up for two reasons. Marshall: Oh, you didn't. That's right. Barney: So you and Lily really think you can spend two weeks apart? Marshall: You know what, Barney? Lily and I are a lot less chees than you make us out to be. Lily: Marshmallow, don't forget to pack my night-night tape. Barney: Night-night tape? Did you make a tape of you saying "night-night" to her? Marshall: No. Lily: He doesn't say it. He sings it. Barney: Oh, that is so sweet. Why don't you kiss? I love it when two chicks make out. Lily: Damn it. Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry. Barney: What's on there? Lily: Ooh, lots of stuff. Kitchen Aide Artisan Series tilt-head stand mixer... Barney: Retail price $319.99. What else? Lily: Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum. Barney: Ah, $549.99. A little greedy, don't you think? Marshall: Did you memorize our registry? Barney: No, I'm training. Marshall: Training? For what? Barney: I'm glad you asked. Ted, Robin, get in here! You guys know how it's hard to be friends with me 'cause I'm so awesome? Ted: Yes, it's hard to be friends with you. Go on. Barney: Well, this isn't going to make it any easier. I am going to be on... The Price Is Right. Marshall: No way! Ted: What?! Barney: Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields is going to call out my name, and I will come on down. Marshall: Whoa, that is so awesome. Robin: Barney, I didn't know you were such a fan of The Price is Right. Barney: Are you kidding? T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably entertaining hour of television, it's a microcosm of our entire economic system-- a capitalist utopia, where consumers are rewarded for their persistence, market acumen and intrepid spirit. I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right, and I see the face of America. And it is divine. Plus, you know, hot chicks on sports cars. Ted (2030): Then Lily headed out to Robin's for her first night away from Marshall. Lily: I'm ready! Lily comes into the livingroom with her wedding dress while Robin singins.) Robin: Ta-da-da-da-da... Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful. Lily: I know! I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! (she raises her arms and the dress falls.) I'm too skinny for my dress! At Ted's apartment... Ted(2030): Meanwhile, I was testing out my best man toast on Marshall. Ted: Here goes. Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man. Strong opening, right? Marshall: That's fantastic. Ted: When Marshall graduates this spring, he'll be a lawyer. But did you know that Marshall has a criminal record? That's right, on a road trip up to Cape Cod, Marshall was pulled over for driving by himself in a car pool lane. Flashback. Marshall's in the car and the siren oft he police rings... Marshall: Oh, crap. Lily gets up... Lily: Oh, crap. End of flashback. Marshall: Are you crazy? You cannot tell that story at my wedding. My entire family's gonna be there. My little cousins, my mom, my grandma, my grandpa the minister. Ted: That grandpa died three years ago. Marshall: His favorite grandson is getting married, Ted. I think he can take a day off from haunting the barn to make an appearance. Barney comes into the apartment yelling, then he leaves again and yells diferently. Barney: So which one, "A" or "B"? Marshall: What was that? Barney: I have to decide how to run to contestant's row when they say, "Barney Stinson, come on down!" Ted: Oh, I didn't realize that's what it was. Can you do them again? Barney: Yeah, of course. Barney leaves again, behind him Ted closes the door. Barney: Hey! Very funny. Just for that, when I win all the prizes, the only thing you guys are getting is Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax. At Robin's apartment, Lily's on the phone... Lily: It's $300 just to take the bust in? Oh, please, you have to have some sympathy for me. I'm getting married next Saturday, and I'm too skinny for my dress. I lost all this weight without even trying. Hello? Robin: What happened? Lily: She called me a bitch and hung up. Oh, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just have to pay the $300. Robin: Pay the $300? Lily, are you crazy? This isn't a problem. It's a license to eat. Look, what have you always wanted to eat but didn't because it was too ridicuusly decadent? Lily: Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate soufflée with a raspberry brandy sauce topped with caramelized bananas and hazelnut gelato. Robin: I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos. Lily: Done! At the apartment... Ted: Okay, think you're gonna be happy with my new toast. There's nothing sexual. It's, uh, it's just the story of an important moment in your relationship. Marshall: I'm all ears. Hello, everyone, Ted: I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man. Marshall: Nice. Ted: Right? That's great. Back when we were all freshman and Marshall and Lily were just a few short weeks into their relationship... It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted. We were starving. So I'd gone out to get us some snacks, and when I got back... Flasback. In their college room, Lily and Marshall are sitting on the floor, when Ted comes in with the snacks, Lily doesn't see him. Marshall: I love you. Lily: I love you, too. I know it's soon to say it, but I'm so glad you did. Marshall: Yeah. Ted leaves the room. End of flashback. Ted and Marshall are at the bar. Marshall: So here's what you want to talk about in front of my entire family: drinking, having a girl in my room, eating junk food. Ted: Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would be mad at you for eating junk food? Marshall: Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's not important. Also, so Lily's never heard that story before. How's she going to react when she finds out the first time I said "I love you" to her, I was actually saying it to you and a bag of Funyuns Ted: But who cares? You did love her. And you still do. And you're totally over Funyuns, so it's not weird. They join Robin and Lily at a table. Marshall: Hey, Lil. Lily: Hey. Ted: Hey? That's it? Marshall: What are you talking about? Ted: Well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. I figured there'd be a lot of giggling, crying, jumping up and down, and then whatever Lily would do Ted (2030): Now, one thing I remember about the bar menu at McClaren's is that there were no fewer than 11 different deep-fried appetizers. That night, Aunt Lily ordered them all. Barney comes in with the wheel of a bike. Barney: Check it out. Okay, imagine... imagine, if you will, that this is the $1 space on The Price Is Right wheel. Ready? (he turnst he wheel) Marshall: Oh, wow, that was pretty close. Barney: Close? Close?! It's called The Price Is Right, not The Price Is Close! Oh, man, this is bad. If I don't win the spin-off, and I can't get into the Showcase Showdown, everything's ruined! It's all ruined! Ted: What is ruined? Why, why is this such a big deal? Barney: Okay, guys... sit down, I've got to tell you something. The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right is because I've decided that it's time for me to meet my real father. Ted: Your father? Barney: That's right. My father... is Bob Barker. Ted: Your dad... is Bob Barker? Barney: That's right Lily: The host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker? Barney: That's Pops. Robin: Barney? Bareney: Yes, Robin? Robin: Why in the world do you think Bob Barker is your father? Barney: Uh, because my mother told me he was, that's why. Flashback. Barney's a kid and he's wathing the Price is Right. Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine? Barney's mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. (she shows him Bob Barker on TV) Barney(in front oft he tv):Look, Dad, I got straight A's! Bareny (dressed as Bob Barker): Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going as for Halloween? Barney (throwing a ball at the TV): Want to play some catch, Pop? End of flashback. Barney: So now I'm gonna go to L.A., be on the show, win the Showcase Showdown, make him proud of me, and then tell him who I am. Ted: You're gonna tell Bob Barker that you're his son on national television? Barney: Why is this so hard for you people to believe? Robin: Drop the popper! Lily has to gain five pounds in a week and a half, and it is my job to help her get there. Lily: This is the best wedding diet ever. [SCENE_BREAK] At Robin's... Lily: I lost a pound. Robin: That is impossible. You ate McDonald's every meal for three days. Lily: I knew that Super Size Me guy was full of it. Robin: Well, it must be the wedding stress. We just got to up the intake. Lily Aldrin, drop and give me 20 bites of fudge! Okay? Don't nibble at it. Attack it! Come on, Lily. You can do better than that! Lily: I can't. Robin: Well, eat faster, before your body figures out it's full. Lily: I'm trying. Robin: Oh, are you gonna cry? You gonna cry? Skinny little baby's gonna cry? Well, eat, damn it, eat! Lily: Okay! At the apartment... Ted: Hey, so I think I figured out how to do your toast in a completely appropriate way. Marshall: Finally. Ted: Yeah. Good evening. I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man. Marshall: Still strong, right? Ted: Great, yeah. I'd like to share with you all a story about the momentous evening last fall Flashback. At the bar... Marshall and Lily kissing. Ted: when Marshall and Lily got back together. Afterward, we stayed up till 10:00 at night, doing shots of chocolate milk. Ted (last year): Man, I'm well nourished right now! Barney: Calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones. Robin: Thanks, Marshall, for teaching us you don't need alcohol to have fun. Marshall: Oh, don't thank me. Thank my parents for teaching me good values. Ted: Now, I wasn't supposed to hear this next part, but Marshall leaned over to Lily and whispered. Marshall: You know what I'd like to do to you right now? I'd like to hold your hand. I'd like to hold your hand so hard that you're not able to shake hands for a week. Lily: Are you just going to talk about holding my hand or are you going to hold it? At the bathroom in the bar... Ted: Then a little later, Robin caught them... Oh, um......holding hands. End flashback. It was a lovely and responsible night. To Marshall and Lily. Marshall: That's the worst toast I've ever heard, dude. It's totally boring. Ted: Exactly. It's impossible to write a good toast with you censoring me, man. I give up. I'm just going to read that thing about Jesus and the footprints. Lily: I give up, too. I don't care if my dress doesn't fit. I can't eat anymore. I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode. Marshall: I know. 2 weeks later... Ted: And so, Lily and I were both about to give up, but as you can all see, Lily does look beautiful in that dress, and here I am giving a toast. You know, all this time, I'd been wracking my brain trying to pick out the perfect moment to capture Lily and Marshall as a couple. But then I realized the perfect moment wasn't some needle lost in the haystack of their ten years together. The perfect Lily and Marshall moment happened two nights ago. Flashback. At the apartment, Ted comes into the livingroom and Marshall comes homes. Ted: Marshall, what are you doing? Marshall: Going to the bathroom. Ted: In the hall? Marshall: Sleepwalking? Ted: You're wide awake. Marshall: Robbing us? Ted: Dude. Ted (giving the toast): Turns out, all week long he'd been sneaking out to a hotel on 72nd, to meet Lily. Marshall and Lily are liying down on the bed of the hotel room. Lily: God, I missed you. Marshall: I can't sleep without you. Hey, baby? Would you be the big spoon for a while? Lily: Sure, baby. Marshall: How's the weight gaining going? Lily: Ugh, terribly. I'm too stressed out without you around. Marshall: Well, I'm here now. Ted(giving the toast): And so Lily and Marshall failed in their experiment with apartness, but they succeeded in getting Lily into her dress. You know, there really are a million things I could tell you about Lily and Marshall, but really, the only thing you need to know is that ten years into their relationship, they still couldn't spend a single night apart. May they never have to again. To Lily and Marshall. All: To Lily and Marshall. Ted (2030): Now, kids, the story of Lily and Marshall's wedding is a good one. No matter how perfectly you plan your... You know, wait a second, guys. I'll get to that. First, I've got to tell you what happened with Barney. They're all at the apartment watching The Price Is Right... Bob: Rich, what is the name of our next participant? Rich: Bob, it's Barney Stinson! Come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price Is Right. Barney: Nooo. Oh, my God! Bob: Working his way out. High-five here, high-five there. A big old hug here. At the apartment, all: Oh, my God! At the apartment, Barney: Yeah, I know, the camera loves me. Bob: Welcome to contestant's row, Barney. Nice suit. Barney: Thanks, Da... Bob. Bob: Here is the next item up for bid! Rich: Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches feature an 18k gold bezel and crown and stainless steel bands. Bob: And Barney, what do you bid on that? Barney: Um... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since you round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob. Bob: $1,350 for Barney. At the apartment, Lily: So, was it $1,350? At the apartment, Barney: I don't know. Was it? At the apartment, Lily Oh, my God! At the apartment, Barney: Happy wedding. Bob: Barney, you won that camcorder in just one second! That is impressive. I mean impressive. Barney: Thank you, Bob. Bob: Now, to win the computer, you're going to have to bid again, and again I will say higher or lower. And let's show the audience the price of the computer, and audience, please, do not try to help us. And the clock will start with your first bid. Barney: $1 billion. Bob: Lower. Barney: So, I brought some photos that I thought you might like to see. This is me on my first birthday. Bob: Yes, Barney. This is... At the apartment, Ted: What are you doing? At the apartment, Barney: Uh, spending some quality time with my dad. Bob: That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving. You have only about 16 seconds. Keep bidding. Barney: No, no, I want you to see this. This is great. Bob: Keep bidding. Barney. This is me at my graduation. I know, the hair. Bob: That, no, that's nice. That's nice. You have only five, four, three, two, one... Barney: $999. Bob: Nine... Barney, you got it exactly right! At the apartment, Barney: Happy wedding again! At the apartement, Lily: Oh, my... Barney: I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel is the only weak part of my game. Bob: I'm sure you'll do just fine, son. Barney: Did you just... I'm ready, Bob. Bob: Do it! Do it! Here we go! He's looking for the dollar. It's going around, and around... At the apartment, Ted: Oh, no, you spun it too hard. At the apartment, Robin: No, he didn't spin it hard enough. Bob: Here it comes, Barney. You got it! You won... But Barney... Barney, you're not through. You've won $1,000. You've won a place in the showcase. You are doing splendidly so far. Barney: Thank you, would you, would you say you're proud of me? Bob: Sure. At the apartment, Ted: That was kind of a weird moment. Bob: Very well, Barney, you have seen the first showcase. Do you want to bid on it or do you want to pass it to Millie? Barney: Please, no car and an above-ground spa? Pass. Bob: Millie, he has passed this showcase to you. What do you bid on it? Millie: $17,640. Bob: $17,640. Barney: Overbid! Bob: Now, let's see Showcase #2. Barney, your showcase begins with a mystery. Barney: Oh, I love this. At the apartment, Robin: I can't believe how excited I am right now Bob: Barney, you have seen your showcase. What do you bid on it? Barney: Please, please. Please. Let me. 1-8-4-2-1. At the apartment, Marshall: I don't even know what we're going to do with a dune buggy, but I want it! Bob: And the actual retail price of your showcase is... Barney: $14,628. Bob: $14,628. Millie, you are over. Too bad. Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase. And the actual retail price of Barney's showcase is... $18,421 exactly right! You win both showcases, Barney. Bob Barker, reminding you, help control the pet... Barney: Before, before we wrap up the show, there's just something I want to say to you.... Congratulations on 35 wonderful years hosting The Price Is Right. Bob: Well, thank you, Barney. Thank you... Barney: Have your pets spayed or neutered. Ted: Why didn't you tell him? Barney: Well, it's just... If you lived your whole life thinking one thing, it would be pretty devastating to find out that wasn't true. I just don't think Bob could have handled it. Ted: Bob. Yeah. Probably a good choice. Barney: Anyway, on the bright side. Happy wedding again! Ted (2030): And that's the story of how Uncle Barney gave Lily and Marshall a dune buggy for their wedding. Marshall's recording the good night tape for Lily. Marshall: Um, I thought since we're going to be apart for two whole weeks, I would sing you your night-night song. Night-night, Lily Night-night, Lily It's time to go to bed, oh, my silly, little Lily Time to rest your little head Sha-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la Come on, Ted. Ted: No, it's weird. Marshall: You promised. Ted: Sha-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la
Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who is chosen as a contestant on The Price Is Right? A: The Price Is Right giving; Q: What show does Barney get to be a contestant on? A: one; Q: How many of Barney's life wishes did he get to fulfill? A: Bob Barker; Q: Who does Barney believe is his father? Summary: Barney is chosen as a contestant on The Price Is Right giving him the opportunity to fulfill one of his life wishes: to meet Bob Barker , who he delusionally believes to be his father.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Niles and Daphne are sitting at a table together.] Niles: Mmm, that lemon sunrise smells refreshing. Daphne: Ugh. Tastes like a cup of cold sink. Oh, it's hell to be pregnant. Niles: I know. Daphne: No you don't. Niles: No I don't. And that's why I got you this present. [He hands her an envelope and she opens it.] Daphne: Belle de Jour Day Spa? Niles: Yes, it's for this afternoon. I think you need a little pampering. Daphne: Oh, Niles. I'm so lucky to have a husband who's so tolerant of my... Niles: Mood swings? Daphne: [crossly] I would have come up with it, I'm not stupid! [Frasier comes in the front.] Frasier: Hello, all. Niles: Hey Daphne: Hello. Frasier: What a glorious morning it is, isn't it? [to the counterman] May I get my usual, please? [He sits down at the table.] Niles: Well, well. Nice to see you're approaching your first day of private practice with such an upbeat attitude. Frasier: Yes, I'm like an eager school boy on his first day of fractions. So, how was the Van Laningdams' party last night? Weren't you lucky to snare an invitation? Niles: Yes! Daphne: No! Niles: No. Daphne: [rising] Well, I'd better get over to your father's. Niles: Call me later. Daphne: I will. Thanks again for my day of beauty. [She hugs him, then looks contrite.] Daphne: I'm sorry I snapped at you. Niles: Did you snap at me? I didn't even notice. Daphne: That's because you don't listen! [She leaves and Niles sits back down.] Frasier: Ah, the mood swings. Takes me back. [The waiter brings his coffee.] Frasier: Thank you. Niles: Well, anyway, in honor of your first day, I want to take you out to lunch. There's a wonderful Indian restaurant right across the street from our building. Frasier: Actually, can we order in from them? You see, I'm booked except between the hours of 11:45 and 12:30. Niles: All right. My, that's certainly an ambitious first day. Frasier: Yes, well, I really want to pack in all I can. That's why I took the day off from my radio show. Niles: Well, happy sailing through the choppy waters of the dysfunctional and the disturbed. [They raise their coffee cups in salute. Daphne rushes back in.] Daphne: Optional eyebrow wax? What is that supposed to mean?! [She rushes out again.] Frasier: Same to you, Skipper. Scene 2 - Frasier's Office [Fade in. Frasier is sitting in his chair. A woman comes in, knocking on the open door.] Peggy: Dr. Crane? I'm Peggy. I hope I'm not late. [N.B. Valerie Mahaffey worked with David Hyde Pierce on the short-lived NBC series, "The Powers that Be."] [Frasier gets up to greet her.] Frasier: Not at all, won't you come in? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, please, be seated. [She sits on the couch and Frasier retakes his seat.] Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you. Peggy: You know I'm just the temp? Frasier: Oh, well, I see my first patient is here, if you could just see her in. Thank you. Peggy: [rising] Righty-o. [She goes to the door and motions to the woman in the waiting area.] Peggy: Go right in. [The patient comes in and Peggy goes out to her desk.] Jane: Hello Dr. Crane, I'm Jane Walsh. Frasier: Hello, Jane. Please, be seated, won't you? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [They sit.] Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just for one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you. Jane: Have we met? Frasier: Ah. I am in the media. So my face is recognizable. But don't let that inhibit you. [He grabs a note pad.] Frasier: Please, what's on your mind? Jane: Okay, um... Well sometimes I feel this, this kind of sadness hanging over me. Frasier: I see. And is this sadness triggered by anything... Jane: Wait. Did you used to date a woman named Stephanie Walsh? Frasier: Yes, a few years ago. Jane: She's my sister. Yeah, I met you at a party once. Frasier: Oh. Well, then I'm glad that we cleared that up. Now, this sadness of yours, is it a general... [He breaks off as Jane chuckles.] Jane: I'm sorry. I was just remembering something. Uh, yeah, I'm sad all the time. Frasier: Yes, well, you are now at a place where you can feel free to express your... [He looks a bit perturbed as she snorts.] Jane: I'm sorry. I was just thinking about something my sister told me about you. Frasier: Well, perhaps we should discuss it. Jane: Okay. Um, you were in bed with my sister and, uh, right in the middle of things I guess you called her "Milady"? Frasier: I see. Jane: I'm sorry. Frasier: No, no, please. It's important that you feel free to express yourself to me. Please, go on. Jane: All right. It became this, like, running joke between me and my sister. She called me "Milady" and I called her "Milady" and my mother started doing it and now my aunt has a cat named "Milady". [Frasier forces himself to laugh along with her.] Frasier: This isn't going to work, is it? Jane: No, I don't think so. Frasier: Okay. [They get up.] Jane: I am so sorry, again. Frasier: Oh, please, not at all. It's just fine. [He walks her to the door.] Frasier: And best of luck conquering that constant sadness. [Cut to - the waiting room as she laughs and hurries off. Frasier notices a man (Alex) sitting in one of the chairs.] Peggy: If you're done, Dr. C, your next patient is here. Frasier: Already? Alex: Yeah, that's me. [He hurries in. Cut to - the office as he sits on the couch.] Alex: I find it's best to be no later than a half hour early. Saves a lot of anxiety. Frasier: [sitting down] First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you. Alex: No, this won't work. [He gets up and rushes to the door.] Alex: Thanks. Bye. [Cut to - the waiting room. As he leaves, he bumps into Niles. Cut to - the office. Niles steps in, Peggy is behind him.] Peggy: Sir. Sir! Frasier: That's all right Peggy. Niles: Goodness. Done with your ten o'clock already? Frasier: That was my eleven. [Niles checks his watch, then answers his cell phone when it rings.] Niles: Hello? Calm down! Calm down! What is it? I was planning on lunching with Frasier. No, if it's that urgent, I... I'll see you then. Frasier: [rising] Oh, dear. What's got Daphne all worked up now? Niles: It wasn't Daphne. It was Maris. Frasier: Maris?! Niles: I haven't spoken to her for months. She says she needs to see me. Frasier: About what? Niles: I don't know. She was hysterical. I haven't heard her this panicked since her strength gave out halfway through a revolving door. I have to cancel lunch. Frasier: Can't you see her after lunch? [Niles goes to the door.] Niles: I have patients. Frasier: Before, then. [Cut to - the waiting room as Niles comes out.] Niles: I'm sorry, this just won't work out. [Peggy stands up and calls after him.] Peggy: Well you could at least give him a chance. It's his first day! [Frasier glares at her. Fade out.] I'M LISTING Scene 3 - Frasier's Office [Fade in. Martin comes in with a plant.] Martin: Excuse me, I'm crazy and I need to see the doctor. Frasier: Hello, Dad. [Martin sets the plant down.] Martin: I brought you this for your office. Frasier: Thank you. Why don't you have a seat? [Martin sits on the couch as Frasier bends to the sides to look at his chair.] Martin: What you doin' there? Frasier: Well, I'm just trying to figure out this chair from Stockholm Design. The instruction booklet alone would account for the high suicide rate. [Niles comes in.] Niles: Hey. Martin: Oh, hey Niles. Niles: Hi. Frasier: Listen, how did things go with Maris? Martin: Maris? Niles: She invited me to lunch at Le Toque. [He sits down beside Martin.] Niles: She's gotten involved with some Argentine polo player. Turns out he's a cad and a gold digger, with a violent temper to boot. Martin: That's probably what she put in her ad. [Niles gives him a dark look.] Frasier: So, Niles, what did you tell her? Niles: I told her to leave him. And if he causes trouble, get a restraining order. She's very upset by the whole thing. Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her snail. I'm supposed to be seeing Daphne, she's going to love this. Martin: Well, you're not going to tell her, are you? Niles: Well, I think I have to. Don't I? Martin: You don't tell your pregnant wife you had lunch with your ex. Frasier: Yes, I agree with Dad. Normally, I'm a proponent of telling the truth, but as a man who's dealt with a pregnant spouse, I say lie, lie until your pants are on fire. Niles: I see your point, of course, but this isn't just a little fib to cover up some after-work shoe shopping. This is a big lie. I'm, I'm just not comfortable with it. [Peggy steps in.] Peggy: Dr. Crane? I'm back from lunch. Your next patient is here. Frasier: Thank you, Peggy. Well, I'd love to stay here and chat, but duty calls. [They all get up and Martin and Niles head for the door. As they reach it, Peggy whispers to them.] Peggy: If you want to wait, he's usually very quick. Frasier: Thank you, Peggy. [Martin and Niles leave. The woman in the waiting room comes to the door.] Carol: Hello, Dr. Crane. I'm Carol Dryden. Frasier: Hi, Carol. Please come in. Won't you sit down? [She sits on the couch, Frasier closes the door and goes back to his chair.] Frasier: Welcome. Whether our journey lasts for several years or just for a day, I want you to know how excited I am to take this first step with you. So, what's on your mind? [He grabs his pad as she starts talking.] Carol: Uh, I guess I have trouble asserting myself? Frasier: Uh huh. How so? Carol: Well, like last week I was supposed to have dinner with some friends and... [She breaks off as Frasier's chair slips down on its support piston. He gives a little laugh, gets up and resets it.] Frasier: There we are. Please, why don't you go ahead? Carol: Anyway, I really didn't feel up to dinner, but I'm the kind of person that hates to disappoint people, and I was the designated driver as usual... [As she speaks, Frasier's chair again slips down, this time with a ratcheting noise.] Frasier: I'll tell you what, I'm just going to get another chair. And why don't you keep talking, if you like I can still hear you. [He pushes the chair back and goes to the door.] Carol: So, we go to dinner and my two friends on either side of me are talking over me like I'm not even there. [Frasier has propped the door open and grabbed one of the chairs from the waiting room. However, it's too large to fit through the door, so he shoves at it as Peggy watches.] Carol: And then, when dinner arrived, my meal didn't come and no one even noticed. [Frasier stops pushing and climbs over the chair.] Carol: I guess, after a while, that kind of thing gets to you? It's like people aren't paying attention to me? [Frasier finally sits down in the chair, still stuck in the doorway.] Frasier: I can see how that would be very frustrating for you. Carol: And I'm a good person, but sometimes I just feel like the whole world is shutting me out. [Frasier tries to push the chair back out of the door. He puts his foot up on the frame and shoves the chair over backwards and the door closes on Carol. Fade out.] Scene 4 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Niles is at a table with his cell phone. Daphne walks in and he puts it down.] Niles: Oh, there you are. I was just calling to see if you were on your way. [He rises to hold her chair.] Daphne: I used to move faster before I was carrying your child around in me. [She sits without kissing him.] Niles: Why don't I get you a soothing cup of herb tea and then I'll tell you what an interesting lunch I had today. [He goes to the counter. His cell phone rings and Daphne answers it.] Daphne: Hello? Yes, he just stepped away. Who's calling? What do you want, Maris? [Niles hears this and gets a look of panic on his face.] Daphne: It most certainly is my business. He's my husband now, you leave him alone. [She slaps the phone shut as Niles comes back with her tea.] Daphne: That was Maris! She has some nerve calling after all she put us through. How stupid does she think you are that you'd have anything more to do with her? Niles: Right. Daphne: Cheer me up. Tell me about your interesting lunch. Who was it with? [Niles nervously sits down.] Niles: Frasier. Daphne: You have lunch with him all the time. Wait a minute, I spoke to him earlier, he told me he was eating in. Niles: And that's the interesting part. Because just then Dad showed up and that clogged ear of his was acting up, so I took him to the doctor. Daphne: That's not interesting. And your father told me he was going to the dog track. Niles: And that's where it gets interesting, because, after the doctor we had lunch at the dog track. Let me just go check on your tea. [Martin comes in as Niles goes back to the counter.] Martin: Hey, Daph. Daphne: Hello, Martin. How are your ears? Martin: Huh? Daphne: [louder] How are your ears?! Niles: Dad, Dad, there you go. [He sets her tea down.] I was just telling Daphne that I had lunch with you at the dog track. Martin: Right. Niles: After the ear doctor. Martin: Right. And how about that flat tire on the freeway? Niles helped me change it. Daphne: All right, now I know you're lying. It all makes sense, now. First you get me out of the house with that spa, then this ridiculous story... You're throwing me a surprise baby shower tonight, aren't you? Martin: That's it! Yeah. But promise you'll look surprised when you come in through the door. [Daphne gets up and hugs Niles.] Daphne: Oh, Niles, you are the sweetest man alive! Niles: Well, I should run. The party's tonight and I have one or two finishing touches to attend to. [Daphne sits down as he turns away.] Niles: Come along, Dad. Martin: Huh? Niles: Come along. Martin: Oh, uh, gee, well you know, my ear's really startin' to... Niles: Get in the car! [Martin follows him out. Fade out.] Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 1 - Niles' Apartment [Fade in. There is a gathering of people, including Roz and Kenny. Niles comes down the stairs with some brightly wrapped gifts.] Roz: Hey, Niles. Not a bad party for two hours' notice. Niles: It's a disaster! [He puts the gifts on the side table.] Niles: None of Daphne's friends could make it. I told the caterer I wanted a maternity motif, he thought I said "fraternity" and now we have three kegs of beer and a six foot hoagie. [Kenny comes over.] Kenny: Great spread, Niles. [Niles looks confused.] Kenny: Kenny Daley, Frasier's boss. Roz invited me. Sorry I didn't bring a present. Niles: Actually, you did. A baby blanket. You'll find it in the pile on the table. Kenny: Great. Oh, by the way, your wife's a peach. Niles: My wife isn't here yet. Kenny: Oh, no. Whose stomach did I just rub? [Over at another table, Martin and Frasier are eating. Roz comes over.] Roz: Wow, Frasier, you're really stuffing your pie-hole. Frasier: Look, I've had a very tough day. I'm entitled to a little comfort food before my evening appointment. [His stomach growls loudly.] Roz: That was pretty. Martin: Let me give you a tip, son. Tough nights on the force, I used to eat like that. Trouble was, I'd be sittin' in the squad car all night, pants diggin' in, stomach makin' unholy noises. There's only one thing that helps: loosen your belt and pop the top button. Frasier: Thank you, Dad, for schooling me in the ancient ways. [There is a sound of the door being unlocked, Daphne's mom jumps up from the couch.] Gertrude: Oh, here she comes. [Everyone gets ready as Daphne comes in.] Everyone: Surprise! Daphne: My God, what a surprise. I've never been so surprised! Oh, thank you, Niles. [They hug.] Daphne: All these people who mean so much to us. Mom and Frasier and [gesturing to Kenny] you... And our doorman. [She closes the door and speaks aside to Niles.] Daphne: Doesn't he work with Frasier, that man at the big sandwich? Niles: Well, once word got out, who was I to say "No"? Daphne: I don't see many of my friends yet. Will Holly be coming? Margaret or Tina? Niles: Well, I had to make the cut off somewhere. Excuse me darling. [He rushes to the kitchen, grabbing and dragging Martin along. Cut to - the kitchen as they burst in. Niles begins gasping in a panic attack. Martin hands him a pastry sack to breath into.] Martin: Calm down, Niles. Niles: I can't! I'm telling her another lie every time I open my mouth! Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called "marriage"! [Niles continues hyperventilating into the bag. Cut to - the living room as Frasier opens the door to reveal a young man.] Esteban: Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes. Esteban: I'm Esteban de Rojo. I'm the lover of your ex-wife Maris. Frasier: You've made a mistake. Esteban: No, you have. [He punches Frasier in the eye, sending him staggering as everyone gasps.] Daphne: What did you do that for? Esteban: This ex-husband had lunch with my Maris today. He gave her fool's advice and she was a fool to follow it! [He turns and storms out.] Roz: Are you all right? [Roz hurries to Frasier, then rushes past to follow Esteban. Niles and Martin come in from the kitchen, Daphne goes over to her husband.] Daphne: Niles, did you have lunch with Maris today? Niles: Yes, I was just about to tell... Daphne: So you weren't planning my shower at all? This whole party was just a sham? Niles: I'm so sorry. Daphne: Not as sorry as I am. [She turns away and grabs her purse.] Niles: Daphne, Daphne, wait. There's... Daphne: I don't want to hear it. I've never been so humiliated in my life. [She stalks across the room.] Doorman: Allow me. [He opens the door and she stomps out. He closes it behind her while Frasier tries to look around through his rapidly blackening eye. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Office [Fade in. Frasier is sitting, nursing his eye. Peggy comes in.] Peggy: Dr. Crane, your appointment is here. Is your eye okay? It's kind of twitching. Frasier: Well, just a little unfortunate accident. Please, send her in. [Peggy ushers a young woman in and closes the door on her way out. Frasier rises to shake her hand.] Shannon: Hi. Frasier: Hello. Shannon: I'm Shannon Palmer. Frasier: Hello, Shannon. Please, won't you be seated. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [She sits on the couch and Frasier retakes his seat.] Frasier: Uh, first of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or only just a day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you. [Frasier's eye has twitched on the word "excited", looking like a sly wink.] Shannon: Okay. Um, geez, this is a little hard to talk about... [Frasier grabs his pad and pen.] Frasier: Well, just relax. You know, many of my patients find it easier to open up if they're lying down. [He twitches/winks again.] Shannon: Um, okay. [She lays down on the couch.] Shannon: Well, I guess I have problems with men. No matter what they say, all they really seem to want is s*x. [Frasier's stomach growls, Shannon looks nervously at him.] Shannon: It's hard, because I want to be loved for who I am, of course, but if who I am is an attractive woman... [Frasier's stomach growls again.] Shannon: What was that? Frasier: It must be the air conditioning or something. [twitch/wink] Please continue. [She looks dubious but goes on. Frasier turns in his chair to adjust his belt.] Shannon: It's at the point now, I meet a perfectly nice man and I don't trust him. [The phone rings.] Frasier: The machine will get it. [There is a click as the answering machine kicks in and a woman's voice comes from the speaker.] Stephanie: This is Stephanie Walsh. Remember, "Milady"? Sorry about my sister. You're not the first guy to do something weird in bed... [Frasier jumps up and grabs the phone, ripping it loose and dropping it to the floor. As he pulls back, his pants fall down and Shannon gasps.] Frasier: I'm so sorry. [He notices his pants.] Frasier: Oh, good lord! [He bends a bit, then stumbles and falls on top of Shannon who lets out a small scream.] Shannon: What the hell?! [She pulls away and gets up. Frasier clumsily gets to his feet and pulls up his pants.] Frasier: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Shannon: What is wrong with you?! Frasier: It's not my fault! It's just a trick I learned from my dad! [Shannon, disgusted, pulls the door open and makes her escape. Peggy comes in as Frasier finishes with his pants.] Peggy: You certainly know how to keep 'em movin'! Anyways, if you could sign my time card, I'll be going. Although, if you haven't hired anyone permanent, yet... Frasier: Well, Peggy, I'm afraid I won't really be needing anyone permanent. [He takes her card and sits down to sign it.] Frasier: I'm starting to think this return to private practice was a big mistake. Peggy: Everyone's first day is a little rough. Well, except mine, I didn't even have to do any billing. [She laughs as he rises and hands her card back.] Peggy: Nice meeting you. Frasier: Nice meeting you, too. [They shake hands. She winks back at his twitching eye, then leaves, a flattered smile on her face. Frasier collapses onto his couch. A man knocks on the door and steps in.] Brad: Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes. Brad: Uh, I was your three o'clock that cancelled. I got cold feet. I was hoping maybe you could squeeze me in. Frasier: [rising] Oh, well uh, I was just about to put this day out of its misery, but please come in. [He closes the door behind him and shakes Frasier's hand.] Brad: Thanks. I'm Brad Kincaid. That's not my real name. Frasier: I'll just get it off your insurance form. Why don't you have a seat, Brad. [They sit.] Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether this journey...well, forget it. Uh, what's troubling you? Brad: Well, I just went through a messy divorce, and my kid's in another city. I came here to begin a new career, but it's not happening for me and I'm thinking maybe I made a big mistake. Frasier: You know, Brad, sometimes things take a little longer to turn in our favor than we think they should. Brad: How long? Frasier: That depends. Tell me more, I'm listening. Brad: Okay. Well, I've been here about six months now, and... [Frasier settles in as he continues to talk. Fade out.] DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA Scene 3 - Niles' Apartment [Fade in. Niles is straightening up and listening to the radio. Daphne comes in.] Niles: Daphne, I am so sorry. [She hugs him.] Daphne: It's all right. Well, not completely, but I'm not as mad as I was. I just don't understand why you couldn't tell me you were having lunch with Maris. [They sit on the couch.] Niles: I was going to, but you were just so upset when she called. I didn't know how you'd react. Daphne: I suppose I have been a little bit difficult lately, haven't I? [Niles sits frozen for a moment.] Niles: There's just no good answer to that. Daphne: I'm too tired to talk about this right now. All I want is a nice cup of tea and a warm bed. [They get up and head to the kitchen.] Niles: Coming up. One last word: I tell you Maris will never come between us again. [As they go into the kitchen, the music on the radio ends and the announcer comes on.] Announcer: ...by Dvorak under the baton of Sir Adrian Adler. And now the headlines. Police have just arrested Seattle socialite Maris Crane for the murder of her lover, Argentine polo star Esteban de Rojo. De Rojo was killed this evening at Mrs. Crane's... [SCENE_BREAK] TO BE CONTINUED
Plan: A: a return; Q: What does Frasier make to practicing private psychiatry? A: his first day; Q: What day of Frasier's new job turns into a series of disasters? A: a pregnant and hormonal Daphne; Q: What is Niles trying to cope with? A: an unexpected phone call; Q: What does Niles receive from Maris? A: a hysterical Maris; Q: Who calls Niles unexpectedly? A: Maris; Q: Whose boyfriend is killed by a polo player? A: lunch; Q: What does Niles agree to meet Maris for? A: a new boyfriend; Q: What is Maris having problems with? A: an Argentine polo player; Q: What is Maris's new boyfriend? A: a violent temper; Q: What is the problem with Maris's new boyfriend? A: questions; Q: What does Daphne ask about the meeting? A: a surprise baby shower; Q: What does Niles pretend to be organizing for Daphne? A: the deception; Q: What becomes more difficult to sustain as the episode progresses? A: the polo player; Q: Who punches Frasier in the face? A: his apology; Q: What does Daphne accept from Niles after he lied to her? A: the radio; Q: What changes to a news broadcast as Niles and Daphne leave the apartment? A: a news broadcast; Q: What does the radio change to when Niles apologizes to Daphne? Summary: Frasier makes a return to practicing private psychiatry , and although he is most excited, his first day turns into a sequence of disasters. Niles, who is doing his best to cope with a pregnant and hormonal Daphne, receives an unexpected phone call from a hysterical Maris. He agrees to meet her for lunch, and learns that she has problems with a new boyfriend, an Argentine polo player who has a violent temper. Niles advises Maris to leave him, and is worried how Daphne will react to hearing about the meeting. Both Frasier and Martin advise him to keep it to himself, so when Daphne starts asking questions about lunch, Niles pretends to be organizing a surprise baby shower for her. However, the deception becomes progressively more difficult to sustain. Things come out when the polo player comes to the apartment, mistakes Frasier for Niles, and punches him in the face. Daphne learns that Niles met with Maris and is understandably furious that he lied. Later, Niles apologizes to Daphne and she accepts his apology. As they leave, the radio changes to a news broadcast and reveals that Maris killed her boyfriend.
[It's parent-teacher conference night. Ben and Michael are meeting with one of Hunter's teachers.] Ms. C: Hunter's shown remarkable progress. Ben: That's good to hear. Ms. C: Yes, he's extremely bright. Michael: (looking at Ben) That runs in the family. Ms. C: However, he's not the most disciplined student. And he has a tendency to be a bit of a - Ben: Smartass? [Ms. Crowe smiles indulgently.] Ben: That runs in the family, too. Ms. C: But you're to be commended for doing an excellent job. [She hands them a print-out that must be Hunter's report card/grades.] Ben: Oh! Thank you, Ms. Crowe. Michael: Thank you. [As they walk out] Michael: [to Ben] That's the first time a teacher has ever given me an excellent! [In the hallway, Ben and Michael are approached by a couple who introduce themselves as Callie's parents, Steve Leeson and Amber Morgan-Leeson.] Amber: Excuse us. Are you Hunter's parents? Ben: Yes, we are. Steve: We're Callie's folks. Ben: Uh, Callie...? Steve: Our kids seeing sometimes. Ben: Yes, of course. Callie. Steve: Steve Leeson Amber: Amber Morgan-Leeson. Ben: Ben Bruckner. Michael: Michael Novotny-Bruckner. Amber: Hunter always speaks of you both with such admiration. Michael: He does? Steve: Well, you know how kids are. They'll never tell you to your face. Amber: Callie's like a schoolgirl every time she mentions his name. Steve: She is a schoolgirl. [They all laugh.] Amber: You should be very proud. He's a very nice young man. Ben: I think he'd prefer "cool dude." Steve: Listen, we would love to get together with you guys. Michael: That'd be great! Amber: I'll be in touch. We'll plan an evening. Ben: Terrific. Michael: Nice to meet you. Amber: Nice to meet you to. Ben: Bye-bye. [Brian, lying on the examining table in one of those horrible paper gowns. The doctor is examining his balls.] Doc: How does that feel? Brian: It'd be a lot better with poppers. Doc: Try to describe the sensation. Brian: It feels as if someone is rotating my artificial ball. [Doctor peels off the plastic gloves.] Doc: Please, get up and go on the scale. You've put on some weight. Brian: I realize to you that's a good thing. To me, it's a disaster. Doc: You can get dressed now. Brian: So, what's the verdict? Doc: You still experiencing fatigue? Brian: Not as much. Doc: How's your s*x drive? Brian: With both hands on the wheel. Doc: Of course, we can't be certain, even within a month or a year that the cancer won't reoccur, but the sonogram and the blood test show no signs of spreading. Brian: How long before I can resume a normal life, doing recreational drugs and consuming vast amounts of alcohol? Going to the gym? Doc: I don't have any problem with some light stretching and mild cardio. Brian: Doc, I'm a fag. I don't go to the gym to be healthy, I go there to look good. Light stretching and mild cardio aren't gonna cut it. Doc: Brian, you've had cancer. Your body's been through a series of radiation treatments. I suggest you take it easy, give yourself time to recover. After all, you're not 21 anymore. [The Gay and Lesbian Center.] Mel: It's a f*cking catastrophe. What the hell happened to Jeffrey Pendergrass? Women: He felt he didn't have the support of certain influential members of the community and that without their backing, he couldn't successfully meet the goal. Ben: So he took off with practically every cent we managed to raise! Mel: b*st*rd! Women: We agreed to pay all his expenses. Ben: Including hotel suite, champagne... kickoff party at Babylon? Women: Which we barely managed to cover, according to him. Ben: I guess Brian had his number all along. Mel: OK, so what do we do now? Women: There's only one thing we can do. Cancel the Liberty Ride and refund everyone's money. Mel: How can you refund it if you haven't got it? Ben: How much are we in the hole? Women: Almost $25,000. Mel: Congratulations, everyone, on being the first charity ride to pedal backwards. Ben: Look, Liberty House is depending on us. Without this ride, they'll be forced to close their doors. Mel: We have no choice but to go ahead with it. Ben: And hope that we find more pledges and sponsors. [Ted and Em strolling down snowy "Liberty Avenue."] Emmett: It's awfully sweet of you, Teddy, to take me to lunch. Ted: I figured you could use some cheering up. Emmett: Have to admit, it hasn't been easy. Still, how many times in life do you get to live out a fantasy? To have a secret affair with a famous football star? To have him ride your back end three times a week with his rock-hard ten inch battering ram until your screams of ecstasy fill an entire stadium? [Ted looks slightly ill.] Emmett: To lie there spent, exhausted, insensate - and that's only half-time! Ted: Not often. So, what're you in the mood for? Emmett: I could do with a Chinese chicken salad. And without any more talk of Drew Boyd. [They come up to a huge DB billboard.] Ted: In that case, you may want to avoid major thoroughfares. [A bus rolls by, with a Drew Boyd poster on the side.] Ted: All forms of public transportation, better shops and department stores. I'd also stay away from publications such as newspapers and magazines for, oh, a year or so. And don't look up. [Naturally, they both look up. There's another ginormous DB billboard.] Emmett: (moans/groans) Gouge my eyes out now! [While you're at it, an old lady passing by presses a coin into his outstretched palm] Oldy: Poor thing! [Emmett pockets the coin.] [It's a kids' birthday party, probably one of Dusty's kids.] Woman: You look absolutely radiant, Mel. Dusty: This must be the happiest time of your life! Mel: Must be! [Lindsay comes in] Lindsay: Hi everyone! (She kisses Mel on the cheek) Sorry I'm late. Mel: Last minute Auerbach's sale? Dusty: You want some fruit punch? I've also got ginger ale and vanilla soy drink. Lindsay: I wish they'd lower the drinking age to five. I could sure use a scotch. Woman#2: Congratulation on the show about the gallery. Woman: Hey, it's been all over the papers. Dusty: It must've been a real thrill working with a famous artist like Sam Auerbach. Mel: You can't imagine how attentive she was. Attending to his every need! [She and Lindz exchange frozen looks. Later, they have a moment alone in the kitchen.] Lindsay: Was that remark really necessary? Mel: What remark? Lindsay: You know what remark. About my attending to his every need. Mel: It's true, isn't it? In fact, I'm surprised you even bothered to come. Lindsay: Why wouldn't I? Mel: Not a man in sight. Just us dykes! Lindsay: Look, I told you how sorry I am, that it was a mistake! Mel: Actually, you said it was a good thing! Lindsay: I never said it was a good thing. Mel: That it gave you a chance to contrast and compare and come to the conclusion that given the choices, you still prefer me! Lindsay: That part is true. Mel: Well, it isn't true for me. I know which team I play on. It's not a choice or a preference. It's who I am! It's who I've always been. A rug muncher, a muff-diver, a cunt-lapper, a bull, a lezzie, a dyke! Lindsay: What do you think I am? Mel: Don't ask me to make up your mind for you. You have to do that all by yourself. Lindsay: I'm a lesbian. Mel: Not if you're having s*x with a man, honey! [Lindsay looks down in shame.] Mel: And I'm pregnant yet! I don't know which betrayal to never forgive you for first. [Just then Dusty walks in.] Dusty: Bad timing? Lindsay: No. We were just having a discussion. Dusty: You don't have to explain it to me. I've had three. There's nothing like a good pregnancy to turn you into a raving bitch! [Michael, Ben, Brian, Justin and Ted are walking down Liberty Avenue. Everybody's carrying a gym bag except for poor doddering Brian.] Michael: They said Pendergrass leaves the town high and dry? Ben: Yeah, sort of it. Ted: The short of it was cash. Michael: I wonder what happened? Brian: What do you looking me for? Ben: It doesn't matter. We're still gonna train, we're still gonna ride. Michael: You coming to the gym with us? Justin: Brian's doctor cautioned him to take it easy. Ted: Meaning what? Get laid three times a week instead of four? Justin: More like seven instead of nine. Ben: Some recuperation. Michael: Too bad you can't go with us. Ted: Even if he was in peak condition, I doubt Brian would be donating his backside for charity. Ben: It's not just a charity. We all know someone or have heard of someone who spent his last days at Liberty House. Someday it might be one of us. Michael: Not as long as I'm around. Ben: Well, the point is, we all deserve to die with dignity and a friend by our side. I'm sure even Brian would agree with that. [They all turn into the gym, leaving Brian standing there on the sidewalk.] [Deb's peering out her front window from behind the curtains.] Emmett: What's up? Debbie: This big, black SUV's been circling the block. It keeps stopping in front of the house. Christ, now it's parking! Emmett: Sooo? Debbie: Well, I don't like it! Don't like it at all! You don't suppose Vic had a secret life, do ya? Like maybe he worked for the CIA or the Mafia or some foreign government and now that he's gone, they decided to rub us out. Emmett: (clearly thinks she's nuts but pretends to give it serious thought) No. Debbie: Well, I have to go to work and I'm afraid to go out there. Emmett: You use the back way. I'll distract 'em. Debbie: (whispering) Good idea! I'm telling Carl about this, just in case. [Emmett smiles, puts on his shades and heads out to confront the menace. He becomes slightly unnerved when the black menace begins tailing him. He stops walking and the SUV stops, too. He doesn't turn around, just starts walking again. The SUV starts up again, very slowly. Emmett turns around and walks up to the dread vehicle. He raps on the driver's window (it's black; you can't see inside).] Emmett: If you're planning to accost me, you should know they don't call us screaming faggots for nothing. And if you're hoping to score, you're going about it all wrong. [Slowly the window rolls down. It's Drew.] Drew: Get in. Emmett: I don't accept rides from strangers. (He starts walking). Particularly those who don't show up. Or at least call! Drew: Get in! [Emmett gets in.] Emmett: Nice oil tanker. So what brings you to Queersville? Drew: My game's been sh1t. Emmett: Talk to your coach. Drew: I can't sleep. Emmett: Take a Xanax. Drew: I'm drinking too much. Emmett: Buy more beer nuts! Drew: I miss you. Emmett: You do? [Drew nods.] Drew: Can we go to the motel? Emmett: Yeah. Ah - no! No, I can't go back there. Drew: I thought you loved when I f*ck you. Emmett: I do love when you f*ck me. This isn't the Atkins diet. Man can't live on meat alone. At least this man can't. Drew: Alright, we'll go out. Emmett: You mean it? [Drew leans in for a kiss.] Emmett: What if somebody sees us? Drew: They can't. (He raps on the window). Remember? [Hunter and Callie are kissing, too.] Callie: The first thing I've noticed about you was your nose and your eyes. Hunter: Yeah? Callie: Yeah. What was the first thing you've noticed about me? Hunter: You noticed. Callie: Liar... [They making up. Hunter touched Callie's breast.] Hunter: These. Callie: You have a really cute ass. Do you have a condom? A condom? Hunter: I know what this is. Callie: If you don't have appropriate for your member. Hunter: You really want to? Callie: Well, don't you? Hunter: Sure. It's just that - before we do, there's something you should know. I'm positive. Callie: Positive? You mean - Hunter: I have HIV. Callie: sh1t! Are you alright? Hunter: I'm not sick or anything. It's just - there. Inside me. Callie: How did you get it? Was it a transfusion? Or from doing drugs? (He hesitates). It's OK. You don't have to tell me. Does anyone else at school know? Hunter: No. Callie: I promise I won't tell anyone. I'm sorry. Hunter: Yeah. I guess I better go. Callie: Wait. My parents won't be home for a couple of hours. Hunter: But I thought - Callie: We have these (picks up condom). Don't we? As long as we use one, then it's safe, right? [Ted meets Emmett in the diner. Emmett see's a Drew Boyd ad.] Ted: Don't you agree to avoid any stores AND publication. Emmett: I know... Ted: Be strong then. Siting here, piening away with icecream is the only solution you need to shift your focus. Emmett: You're right. [He takes another magazine and open it. And - of course another Drew Boys ad.] Ted: God, you must be go to a meeting tonight. Emmett: Well, I can't. Drew's take me out. A big date. Ted: But I thoughed you were broke up. Emmett: He missed me. Isn't this amazing? This man who only days ago were deep in a leather suit has decided to go out, because of... because of me. [Ted smiles but looks sad.] Emmett: I got a manicure and who knows? After the meeting at Mo, we might just end up in Babylon. [Mel's sitting at the a booth reading law books. Deb comes over to be nosy.] Debbie: You plannin' on havin' that baby here? You've been sitting there since breakfast. Here's lunch! Mel: I didn't order this. Debbie: I know! I'm just practicing being a loving, attentive grandmother. Mel: Thanks, Deb. Debbie: Now I'm gonna practice being a nosy, meddlesome grandma. Is something wrong, honey? Mel: No, it's nothing. Debbie: Not with a punim like that. Mel: How do you know that word? Debbie: You live long enough, everybody's Jewish! (She grabs Mel's hand). Nothing's wrong with that baby? Mel: The baby's OK. I'm OK. Nothing to do with that. [Deb gives her an inquiring look.] Mel: It's Lindsay and me. We're in trouble, Deb. Real trouble - Debbie: Stop right there. I don't wanna know. 'Cause whatever it is, doesn't matter. What matters is, you're about to have a baby. And that's all that counts. So it's up to you to make things work. So you just chew on that chicken salad while I grab you a piece of Key lime. [The director explaining to Remsen in his droning voice.] Director: Like I said, Mr.Remsen, something, we're modest facility and its residents are those for whom medications like Endovir have proven ineffective. Or something is too late. Remsen: You're doing a hell of a job here. I'm sure it's not easy. Director: The hardest part is not being able to do more. We've already had to send a couple of our sickest clients to the County Hospital, simply because we no longer have the staff or capability of tending to their needs. Remsen: It's a shame. Director: It's money. State funding has been reduced. Private donations have all but dried up due to the misconception that no one dies of AIDS anymore. Remsen: Well, I hope you manage to find the necessary funds. Director: It may be too late for that. Like our clients, we're running out of time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to work. There are only two of us. [Out on the street, Remsen turns to Brian.] Remsen: I suppose you're going to hit me up now. And after what I've just seen, it's gonna be very hard to say no. Brian: It's a worthy cause. Remsen: They're all worthy causes. Brian: All I'm asking is for you to sponsor one rider on the Liberty Ride. Remsen: That's it? Brian: That's it. Remsen: Well, I suppose we can handle that. How much do you want? Brian: $100,000. Remsen: ! Brian: It's no more than you spend for an ad in a magazine, and think of the good will you'll be generating. It's more than any campaign that I can come up with. As for the rider you'll be sponsoring, he's an amazing athlete and a renowned humanitarian. [Hunter and Mikey at the comic store. He's wearing white gloves.] Hunter: What the f*ck are you doin'? Brain surgery? Michael: Far more delicated. This is a very rare comic from the 50s. Because the assets from your fingers touch the paper. [He put the comic into a cover.] Michael: There, the operation was a success. Michael Novotny, Dr. of Comicolligy trains again. Hunter: Freak. [His phone rings.] Michael: Can you get that? And tell, whoever it is that the doctor is in. Hunter: [pick up the phone] Hello? Uh, sure, hold on. [to Michael] It's Mr.Leeson. Callie's dad! Michael: [to the phone] Steve? Hi. It was nice meeting you and Amber the other night. And I really looking forward to meeting together. Tonight? I'm check it with Ben, but I'm sure it'll be okay. Where would you like to meet? That'll be fine. How about 8 o'clock? See you then. [he hangs up. Hunter look at him questionally.] Hunter: What was that about? Michael: We're better go home and dust. You're in be are coming over. [And now for something completely different: Brian and Justin in the throes of mind-blowing orgasms.] Brian: Of all the times we've f*cked, and by now I'd say that we were well into the quadruple digits, that has to rank in the top five. Justin: That'll be $1,000, please. Brian: That's quite an increase from the two bits you were charging when we met. Justin: To experience perfection is a privilege regardless of price. Besides, I need you to sponsor me for the Liberty Ride. Brian: I'm sorry, Sunshine. I'm already sponsoring someone else. Me! Justin: What? Brian: I'm doing the ride. Justin: You can't do the ride. You've barely recovered. The doctor told you to take it easy. And at your age - Brian: At my age, I can make up my own mind. Justin: You hate bicycling, you despise camping out, you detest any and all forms of charity, you loathe the Gay and Lesbian Center and everyone associated with it, so give me one, just one, good reason why. Brian: I want to. Justin: Well, you can't. You haven't trained. You're not in shape. There's no way you'd make it out of Toronto, much less the 322 miles back to Pittsburgh. Brian: Your prophecies of doom only incite me more. Justin: I'm just being realistic. Brian: Well, we dreamers have no time for that. When's the next spin class? Justin: Tomorrow. Brian: With a little practice, I'll fly like the wind! [Mel and Lindsay are at dinner.] Mel: This salmon is delicious. Lindsay: Thanks. I tried to cook it the way you like it, almost rare. Would you like some more? Mel: No, thanks. [She gets up to take her plate into the kitchen.] Lindsay: Here, let me! Mel: No, no, no! You cooked. I'll clean up. [Lindsay follows her into the kitchen.] Mel: The premium for the variable annuity arrived. We both have to write checks. The termite inspector's coming tomorrow. Lindsay: It never stops, does it? Mel: What? Lindsay: The house. Keeping things in order. If it isn't one thing, it's another. Mel: We don't want the foundation to rot. Lindsay: No, we don't. Mel: We have to take care of it. After all, it's our home. [Lindsay follows Mel into the dining room.] Mel: Zanna called. She offered us tickets to the Eugenie Kissen recital. She wanted to know if we're still planning on going with her and Tess. I said of course. Lindsay: Mel! (Embraces her, kisses her on the cheek) Mel: (Angrily pushes her away) Stop it! Stop it! Lindsay: What? I just wanted to give you a hug and a kiss! Mel: I don't want you giving me a hug or a kiss! Lindsay: But I thought - I mean, that everything was going to be okay. Mel: How can everything be okay? I'm just trying to maintain some sense of order, to hold things together! Lindsay: I see. I actually thought you decided to forgive me. Mel: You must expect miracles. Or amnesia. Well, I'm sorry I can't give you what you want, but that's par for the course, isn't it? Lindsay: What's that supposed to mean? Mel: There's nothing I can do that'll ever make you feel completely happy. You'll always feel unsatisfied and I'll always feel like I'm not enough. Lindsay: That's not true. Mel: Bullshit! Of course it is! Otherwise none of this would've happened! Lindsay: Mel - are you okay? (Mel clutches her belly) Mel: Something feels wrong. Lindsay: Oh, God! [SCENE_BREAK] [Babylon. Brian and Justin are sort of dancing, Ben and Michael are sort of dancing. Ted is standing around like he's looking for somebody. Emmett makes his grand entrance with Drew in tow. The crowd parts like the Red Sea. Everybody stares in awe. Emmett introduces Drew to the boys.] Emmett: Close your mouth, boys! The drool's getting on the floor. Someone could slip! It's my baby's first time at Babylon, so let's show him a good time! C'mon, honey, let's go exercise our thighs in a different way tonight! [They dance, Emmett takes off Drew's shirt. Michael, Ben, Ted, Justin, even Brian, watch in undisguised envy. When Emmett and Drew kiss in the middle of the dance floor. Cut to Emmett and Drew having a sedate dinner in a deserted restaurant.] Drew: Another beer? Emmett: (waking from his fantasy) Huh? Drew: You want another beer? Emmett: No, thanks, I haven't finished this one. [He looks around the restaurant - it's completely empty.] Emmett: Do you happen to notice anything peculiar? Drew: Like what? Emmett: Like - this is one of Pittsburgh's most famous restaurants, but we're the only ones here! Drew: Must be a slow night. You gonna finish that? Emmett: Ah - no! You know, when you said we were gonna go out, this isn't exactly what I imagined. Drew: What'd you imagine? Emmett: For one thing - people! Did you buy this place out so we wouldn't be seen together? Drew: I don't like the attention, that's all. It's hard to have a meal or even a conversation with fans coming up every two minutes, asking for an autograph. Trust me. It's better this way. [Emmett is unconvinced.] Drew: It's good you saved room for dessert. They've got a killer chocolate cake. Must be a foot high. You'll need an extra-long workout after that! [Michael trots out a vase of flowers.] Hunter: Just don't swear, or fart, or make stupid jokes, okay? And don't do any Bette Davis impressions. Michael: When have I evah done a Bette Davis impression? Ben: We promise we won't embarrass you, pal. [There's a knock on the door.] Hunter: It's them! [Ben opens the door. Right away, we can see that the vibes are not good.] Ben: Steve, Amber, come in. Michael: Can I take your coats? Steve: No, thanks. We're not staying. Amber: If we hadn't gone through her journal, we never would have known. Steve: Considering what kids are up to these days, you do whatever you have to. Amber: You have no idea how upset we were - Steve: ARE! Amber: That your son may have exposed our daughter to AIDS. Ben: Hunter doesn't have AIDS. He's HIV-positive. Sam: What difference does it make? Ben: A very big difference. I oughta know. I happen to be HIV-positive, too. Michael: We're very aware of safe s*x and we've instructed Hunter to be, as well. Hunter: I wore a condom. Amber: I'm glad that you can be so matter-of-fact about it. Steve: But you still should have told us! Ben: If Michael and I had known in advance that Hunter and Callie were going to have s*x, which for the record we didn't, we would have discussed it. However, the important thing is, they both acted responsibly. Steve: What the hell do they know? They're sixteen! Hunter: More than you! Steve: We don't want him seeing Callie again. Hunter: No f*ckin' way. Ben: Calm down. Steve: That's final. Hunter: f*ck this sh1t! Ben: Hunter, that's enough! Michael: Excuse yourself. Go on. [Hunter slams into his room. He's pissed.] Amber: We're sorry about Hunter. But we have to protect Callie. Steve: How'd he get it, anyway? Ben: That's a private matter. Amber: He had s*x with our daughter. I think we have a right to know. [Hunter bursts out of his room.] Hunter: Whyn't you tell 'em? Go on! Tell 'em everything! Or would you like me to? [Mel and Lindsay are in a small private room at the hospital. Mel's lying down in bed, Lindsay's sitting next to her. One thing hasn't changed: the frozen silence between them. The doctor comes in.] Doc: How you feeling? Mel: Fine. How's the baby? Doc: Baby's fine, too. For now. Mel: Thank God. What the hell happened? Doc: You went into early labor. Probably brought on by stress. What did I tell you about taking it easy? Mel: I know, I know. Doc: Obviously you don't, or you wouldn't be here. Well, this time you're gonna listen. If you deliver too prematurely, there could be serious complications. Mel: Are you trying to scare me? Doc: Damn right I am! We managed to stop the labor with drugs. But for the remainder of the pregnancy, you're not to leave your bed, except for a trip to the bathroom. No extended walking, no lifting, no physical exertion of any kind. Do I make myself clear? [Mel nods.] Doc: (to Lindsay) Keep her in bed, don't let her out. Lindsay: I'll strap her to it if I have to. Doc: You might. (To Mel) You're very lucky to have such a devoted partner. You're gonna be spending a lot of time together. [Spin class. Michael, Ben, Ted, Justin.] Instructor: OK, everybody ready, let's go! Brian: Don't leave without me! Ted: What the hell's he doing? Justin: Today the Liberty Ride, tomorrow the Tour de France. [Brian starts out cocky, calling out to Justin.] Brian: You should have told me it was Babylon on wheels! [He's barely able to catch his breath and he's also sweating profusely. He breaks up.] [Emmett in Deb's kitchen.] Emmett: How many friends have you daughter in the collection? 3.500? Well, that's a lot of pigs. Well if you wants a cake in a shape of pig, she'll get a cake in a shape of pig. Oh, can you excuse me? I got a call comes in. Hello? Sierra: "Emmett?" Emmett: Yeah? Sierra: "It's Sierra. We'll have to talk." Emmett: We... we... we do? Sierra: Right away. Today. [Cut to a restaurant. Emmett and Sierra siting at one tabe.] Sierra: Emmett, I don't think I've ever been so upset. Emmett: I can imagine. Sierra: I felt the best way to deal with the situation was for us to sit down together and discuss it. Emmett: That seems to be perfectly reasonable. Sierra: I was in the shower this morning when Drew got the call. Emmett: What call? Sierra: From our wedding planner. She was rushed to the hospital. Her appendix burst. She's gonna be out of commission for months. Emmett: Oh! Oh, that's a shame! Sierra: It's worse than a shame, it's an absolute disaster! Drew and I can't postpone our wedding. So I've decided I want you to do it. Emmett: ! Sierra: I realize I've caught you offguard, that you don't know what to say, but please, Emmett, say yes! You have no idea how important this is to me. Emmett: What about Drew? Something tells me he wouldn't want me to - Sierra: I know sometimes he can be a bit gruff. But oh, Emmett, if you only knew him like I do! Of course he's gorgeous and strong and athletic, but he's also kind and loving and honest. He's - well, my hero. And we need a wedding that's worthy of a hero. [Emmett smiles weakly.] Sierra: You know, my mother used to tell me that the way to have a perfect marriage is to start off with a perfect wedding. And I just know you'll give us that perfect start. [Next day at school, Hunter tries to talk to Callie. She seems a little cool, to say the least.] Hunter: Hey! Hey! I'll looking for you in the cafeteria. Where were you? Callie: I had to study. Hunter: You missed a great lunch. You missed me. Did your parents tell you about the talk? [She nods.] Hunter: It was twisted. So what'd they say? Callie? Callie: They said you told them that you were a prostitute. That you had s*x with men and that's how you got it. Is that true? [He nods.] Callie: Why didn't you tell me? Hunter: How do you tell your girlfriend that you used to f*ck guys for a living? You'd never talk to me again. You're barely talking to me now. Callie: Then you're gay? Hunter: I thought I was. Callie: All I can think about is you and all those men. Them doing things to you. You doing things to them. Hunter: I don't do it anymore. I swear. Callie: I've got to get back to class. [She leaves him alone at the hall.] [Diner. Brian sits on the bar. Ted and Justin are siting beside him.] Ted: We just heard that Remsen Pharmaceuticals is sponsoring the ride to the tune of 100 g's. Brian: Will wonders never cease. Justin: We didn't say anything. Ted: Having been trained never to divulge information under penalty of death, but it has the fingerprints of one Brian Kinney all over it. Justin: Now you can forget about the ride. Ted: Take care of yourself. You need your rest. Go take a nap. Brian: You wanna cut my meat up for me too? [Ted and Justin exchange looks - like whoa, isn't he touchy!] Justin: Gotta go. Ted: Gotta train. [Debbie has seen this conversation.] Debbie: Freshen your hemlock? Brian: What makes you think I want to kill myself? Debbie: The look on your face, for one thing. Brian: Maybe I should have. Debbie: Well, there is an alternative to going out in a blaze of glory. And that's giving 'em all the big "f*ck you." [She sits down next to Brian at the counter.] Debbie: I always say it was cause of me that Vic survived those last four years. That I bathed him, I fed him - Brian: Wiped his ass. Debbie: Right. But the truth is? Vic fought like a sonofabitch. Every time a new infection hit or some new med would make him feel worse that was supposed to be curing him, he would dig down into some unfathomable part of himself and say, "I'm not giving up yet, so f*ck off!" (She gives him the check.) You can pay my tip. [Michael helps Lindsay set up a bed downstairs for Melanie.] Lindsay: Thanks for helping me, Michael. Mel: Yes, thank you, Michael. Michael: Hey, this is my kid, too. With anything's happen to them... Mel: Nothing is goin' to happen! I'm fine. Lindsay: There are a lot of women who have to do this at the end of their pregnancy. Michael: Yet another reason why I'm glad I'm a guy. Lindsay: Still, there are many pleasures. Mel: Along with the pain. Lindsay: There. Alright. (To Mel). Get in. [Mel slowly climbs into the bed, impatiently shrugging off Michael's attempt to help.] Michael: Stay in. If you need anything else, call me. Or better yet, I'll call you. In about an hour. [Michael leaves.] Mel: Oy. He's never gonna leave me alone, is he? Lindsay: Probably not. Mel: And then there's Debbie. [She gets out of bed.] Lindsay: Where you going? Mel: To get a bottle of water. Lindsay: I'll get it. The doctor said you're not to move. Christ! Don't you listen to anybody? Mel: It's just in the kitchen. Lindsay: You can go to the bathroom, that's it. Until the baby's born, I'm your arms and legs. Mel: So, I guess we're stuck. Lindsay: You in bed. Us with each other. Mel: Funny, isn't it? Lindsay: Achingly. I'll get you your water. [Drew watches cartoons while he waits for Emmett to show up for their rendezvous at the No-Tell Motel.] Drew: Hey sport. What's happen to you? Emmett: Sorry I'm late, I was with Sierra. I'm afraid you're going to have to deal with a very distraught fiancee when you get home. Drew: You didn't tell her. Emmett: No, no, of course not. I leave that up to you. I just told her I couldn't plan your wedding. Drew: Oh. Yeah. Emmett: So - when are you gonna tell her? Drew: About what? Emmett: About you. About me. She loves you, you know. More than loves you. Worships you. Adores you. Believes in you. You know how hurt, how devastated she'd be if she ever found out? Drew: Why would she ever find out? Why should anybody? Emmett: Because it's the truth? Drew: Truth?! I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. See, I'm an industry. Drew Boyd, Inc. A lotta people make millions of dollars off of me. Do you have any idea what would happen if this were to get out? I'd lose my friends, my teammates, my fans, my endorsements. But most of all, I'd lose the thing that I love most in this world - playing football. Besides, I love Sierra. I want a wife and kids just like everybody else. Emmett: What about us? Drew: Nothing has to change. Nobody needs to know. It's none of their goddamn business. Emmett: You know, everything you said made perfectly good sense. And I'm sure most people would agree with you. Why tell anyone? Why lose everything, when it can be your little secret? But you see, it was different for me. Everyone could tell who I was from the start which, believe me, didn't make my life any easier. I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit on, from day one. Which in a way, was worth it. Because I've never had to live a lie. And I'm not about to start now. Not for you. Not for anyone. [He kisses Drew on the cheek and leaves.] [The Bruckner-Novotny household is in crisis mode. Poor Hunter is practically in tears over being kicked to the curb by Callie.] Hunter: What girl's gonna want me when she finds out what I've got and how I got it? Michael: You'll find someone. You'll see. Ben: Just like Michael and I found each other. Hunter: It's different with a guy and a girl. I mean, someday she'll want to have kids. And I can never do that. Ben: That's not true. They're working on it. Hunter: I never should have told her. That way no one ever would have known. Ben: You did the right thing, the honorable thing, telling the truth. Hunter: No one's ever gonna love me! Ben: That's not true. We love you. Whether you're positive or not. Whether you're gay or not. Michael: And others will, too. [He cries.] [Justin is getting ready for bed; Brian's getting ready to go out.] Justin: Where you going? Babylon? Brian: Hopefully, I'll have the strength for one little spin around the floor. Justin: Don't make noise when you come in. I have to get up early to make spin class. Brian: You youngsters. I don't know where you get your strength. [He pats Justin on the head and leaves... ...to practice spinning all by himself in the room full of exercise bikes.]
Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who decides to participate in the Liberty Ride? A: Drew; Q: Who asks Emmett back? A: Hunter; Q: Who reveals to Callie that he's HIV positive? A: Melanie; Q: Who does Lindsay discuss the future with? Summary: Brian decides to participate in the Liberty Ride. Drew asks Emmett back. Hunter reveals to Callie that he's HIV positive. Melanie and Lindsay discuss the future.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY -- MGM (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS -- RITTLE RESIDENCE - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (LAS VEGAS) RITTLE RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (Inside the residence, the RITTLES are hosting a party. There are lots of food, caviar, good music and conversation. Cut to a camera close up of a champagne bottle opening with a loud 'pop'.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RITTLE RESIDENCE -- OUTSIDE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (The camera shows the backyard outside. The camera slowly rises up to show a little blonde-haired girl looking out of the second floor window.) (Camera cuts to show the little girl's POV as she sees a man and a woman run playfully across the lawn below. They're laughing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESIDENCE - DOWNSTAIRS] (A blonde-haired woman is sitting on a man's lap. A dark-haired woman runs up to him. She's laughing and throws herself into the man's arms. So, now he's got one arm wrapped around a different woman.) Dark-haired Woman: We should have these parties more than once a month. Chief Rittle: I would, but Mina tends to get jealous. Dark-haired Woman: I love you, Chief, but if anybody should be jealous, it's you. (They all laugh. The man "Chief" looks up and sees a dark male figure standing in the shadows. The man walks away.) Chief Rittle: Who's that guy? (The Dark-Haired woman wants the "Chief"s attention. She gently turns his head toward her.) Dark-haired Woman: Hey, Chief ... didn't know you were into guys. (MINA RITTLE looks up to look for the man. The man is gone.) Mina Rittle: What guy? (There's no sign on him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT (LAS VEGAS) RESIDENCE UPSTAIRS - SASHA RITTLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT] (The door opens and the little blonde-haired girl peers through the door. She sees a man and two women go into the bedroom across the hall. Before closing the door, the man looks around to see if anyone sees them.) (The little girl closes the door, retreating back into her room. She runs onto her bed and gets in under the covers. She glances over at that bedside clock. It reads 12:20 a.m. She settles in to go to sleep.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT (LAS VEGAS) RESIDENCE - UPSTAIRS - SASHA RITTLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT] (Camera close up on the alarm clock that now reads: 3:45 a.m.) (Through the silence, two gunshots abruptly wake up the blonde-haired girl. She sits up in bed and looks at the door.) Sasha Rittle: Daddy? (She gets out of bed and takes a cautious step toward the door.) (The door opens. The light from the hallway filters in on SASHA RITTLE'S scared face as the camera focuses in on her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RITTLE RESIDENCE - DAY] (Multiple police cars are parked in the driveway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (LAS VEGAS) RESIDENCE] (BRASS walks into the foyer followed by GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Brass: So two nights ago he has a party. High-end guest list, very private. That was the last anyone saw of him. Housekeeper arrives 20 minutes ago. This is what she found. (BRASS leads GRISSOM and CATHERINE to the dining room where they find CHIEF RITTLE on the dining room table, naked with an apple stuffed in his mouth. CATHERINE looks at BRASS. BRASS nods.) Catherine: Ex-chief of detectives. Left to make the big bucks. Consultant with security at every major casino in town and couldn't even protect himself. Grissom: There's only one interpretation for this: "Kill the pig." Catherine: And what about the rest of his family? Brass: No sign of the wife. Catherine: What about the daughter? Brass: Housekeeper assumed that she spent the weekend with the grandmother. (CATHERINE'S eyes widen at BRASS' choice of words.) Catherine: Assumed? (She immediately leaves the room and heads for the little girl's room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (LAS VEGAS) SASHA RITTLE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE rushes in to the upstairs bedroom. She walks into the closet and looks inside. She goes to the bed and moves the covers aside.) (GRISSOM enters the room, followed closely by BRASS. CATHERINE turns around and sighs.) Catherine: She's gone. HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (LAS VEGAS) RITTLE RESIDENCE - DAY] (GRISSOM fills the rest of the team in as they walk up the driveway to the main house.) Grissom: His wife and daughter are missing. His silver Cadillac DTS is also missing. We're looking for any signs of forced entry in the house, any signs of ransack that's not associated with the party. Sara: Okay. (SARA leaves. BRASS meets GRISSOM, WARRICK and NICK at the door.) Brass: We need serious damage control. When the media gets a hold of it it's going to be bad for morale all around. Watch your step. Warrick: I'll take the downstairs. Nick: Yeah, I'll be above you. (They walk out of frame.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RITTLE RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (ROBBINS does a cursory exam for GRISSOM. CATHERINE is examining the rest of the room.) Robbins: Looks execution-style. At least one shot to the back of the head. A lot of bruising around these handcuffs. Grissom: So he probably fought back. (Next to the dining room chair on the floor, CATHERINE finds something.) Catherine: Found a shell casing. (She picks it up and examines it.) Catherine: Looks like one of ours. Grissom: Nine millimeter standard issue. Catherine: So where do you suppose the Chief keeps his gun safe? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE #08 [INT. - RITTLE RESIDENCE - DAY] (Camera close up on a safecracking technician using a drill on the door of a safe. BRASS puts on his gloves while he and CATHERINE watch from a distance.) (The Technician puts the drill down and pushes a scope through the hole.) (Quick CGI scope view of the lock mechanism of the safe inside the safe door. The gears turns. End of CGI POV.) (The Technician turns the dial. BRASS and CATHERINE watch.) (As he turns the dial, the inside mechanism releases the lock.) Scott: We're in. (He puts his equipment down and opens the safe. He moves aside.) Catherine: Thank you, Scott. Scott: No problem. (The Technician leaves. CATHERINE looks inside the safe.) Brass: What do you got? (CATHERINE hands a gun to BRASS. He checks it.) Brass: Thirty-eight (.38). (CATHERINE hands a second gun to BRASS.) Catherine: Nice. Brass: Pearl handle Twenty-five (.25). (He checks it.) Brass: Clear? Catherine: Still looking for that Nine (.9). (CATHERINE takes out a box and opens it. The gun is gone.) Catherine: So you think the Chief might've kept his signature piece someplace else? Brass: (reading) "For Twenty-Five years of distinguished service." An honor like that. Keep it in the case. Catherine: (nods) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RITTLE RESIDENCE - FRONT DRIVE - DAY] (CATHERINE is walking down the driveway with GRISSOM. They're headed toward the gate.) Catherine: So I'm thinking that the wife might be in on this. Grissom: Why didn't she plan better? Pack the kid's clothes. Catherine: What? Grissom: The nanny told me that she only took one shirt -- one the kid wouldn't even wear. (They reach the gate where DET. LOCKWOOD is questioning the gate security guard.) Det. Lockwood: Security guard. No party list but he did see each car that left the night of the party and morning. Security Guard: Chief Rittle left around 5:00 A.M. (checking the log) 5:14 to be exact. (Quick flashback to the guard at the gate. In slow motion, the car drives pas the guard. He sees a man driving the car and MRS. RITTLE with SASHA sitting in the back seat. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: You saw Chief Rittle leave? Security Guard: Yeah, he was with his wife and kid. And he had his baseball cap and sunglasses on like he always does. Catherine: So, you saw a baseball cap and sunglasses. (A cell phone rings. GRISSOM turns away to answer it.) Catherine: Did you actually see the chief's face Grissom: (to phone) Grissom. Security Guard: Well ... actually, I didn't. (GRISSOM hangs up the phone and tells CATHERINE.) Grissom: Brass found the Chief's Cadillac. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk under the police tape and into the parking garage.) Grissom: Who found it? Brass: In-house security. Blue jacket. First time he saw the car was Saturday. Chalked the tires twice. Saw the bulletin on the Chief and called us. Catherine: Any bodies, Joe? Officer Joe: I already checked inside the car. Brass: We were waiting on you to check the trunk. (JOE pops the trunk. They find a dead body inside.) Brass: Whoa. (BRASS' cell phone rings.) Brass: Excuse me. Catherine: Who is this? (CATHERINE and GRISSOM lean in for a better look. GRISSOM takes off the baseball cap and looks inside. The name reads: "Chief Rittle".) Grissom: "Chief Rittle"? Catherine: What is his connection to the chief? Grissom: I don't know. But if he has gunpowder residue on him, could be our shooter. Brass: (to phone) Okay. (BRASS hangs up the cell phone.) Brass: Florida highway patrol called. Several motorists saw a girl matching Sasha's exact physical description walking along an access road. Grissom: In Florida? Brass: Miami-Dade county. Chief was shot Friday night. It's a two-day drive if you don't stop. It's national news with national attention. I'm not surprised we're getting call-ins. Grissom: Well, if it is our little girl, she's got evidence on her from two Vegas homicides. (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE.) Grissom: One of us should be down there to process. (CATHERINE nods. She still doesn't get it. She looks up and suddenly realizes what GRISSOM'S saying.) Grissom: Take Warrick. I don't think he's ever been to Florida. (Off CATHERINE'S surprised look as her jaw drops.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY - HARBOR (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY - SKYLINE (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) ACCESS ROAD -- DAY] (The PATROL CAPTAIN stands next to car #21291 and barks out instructions to the other officers assisting the search. Officers hand out information sheets. The access road is crawling with officers who will be used to look for the little girl.) Patrol Captain: She's seven years old! She's wearing a pink shirt! She was last seen by a motorist there! She can be two kilometers in either direction. Think of this area as a quadrant. Divide up. You, north. Officer 2: Got it! Patrol Captain: You, south. Officer 3: We got it! (Standing off to the side amidst the scurry of Officers and FBI agents, HORATIO CAINE watches ... and thinks.) Officers: All right, this way. Officers: Let's go. (A large mac truck passes by. He looks around the empty roadway.) Officers: Clear out! Officers: Watch your back! (The road clears as officers go off to look for the little girl. HORATIO CAINE thinks about it for a moment, then starts to walk down the center of the road ... alone. He's startled by the sound of a pig squealing. He looks up and sees a pig crossing the road.) (He stops some distance away and watches the pig cross the road.) (HORATIO CAINE continues to walk. He looks on the ground and sees something on the dirt road. It's a pink plastic hair clip. He crouches down and picks it up. HORATIO pulls off his glasses to get a better look at it. It's a pink butterfly.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) ACCESS ROAD -- TREE GROVE - DAY] (HORATIO CAINE is walking along the roadway, following a path that he suspects they took. It's noticeable that he's walking alone, everyone else is searching elsewhere for the little girl.) (HORATIO comes across a well-trodden path between the trees. He stops. Deep inside is a little blonde-haired girl in a pink shirt. She's sitting alone on the ground under a tree.) (HORATIO crouches down and pulls off his sunglasses.) Horatio Caine: Sasha?! (Immediately, the little girl turns her head. HORATIO stands and walks in closer.) Horatio Caine: (quietly) Sasha. My name is Horatio Caine. I'm the head of the crime unit. Sasha Rittle: Horatio? (HORATIO settles himself down next to the little girl.) HORTIO CAINE: Yeah. (he smiles) That's a funny name, isn't it? My mother named me after a famous writer named Horatio Alger. Ever hear of him? (She sees his badge.) Sasha Rittle: Is your badge real? Horatio Caine: Yeah. Yeah, that's real. Sasha Rittle: My daddy's a policeman. (HORATIO nods.) Horatio Caine: I know that. (he corrects himself) I "knew" that. Sasha Rittle: They're looking for me, you know. Horatio Caine: Me, too. Me, too. What do you say we sit here and get found together? (SASHA RITTLE nods her head. She smiles slightly.) (He looks out in the distance and sighs.) Horatio Caine: (quietly) What a day. (They both sit on the fallen tree stump on the ground, both looking out into the distance.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) ACCESS ROAD -- NIGHT] (A helicopter whirrs overhead. An officer fills HORATIO CAINE in on the investigation.) Officer: Burgundy sedan. Caucasian female. Age 32. Traveling with a caucasian male indeterminate age. Horatio Caine: I got a female in distress. I want the APB to extend the whole state. Officer: Panhandle to the Keys. Yes, sir. Horatio Caine: Good. (The officer leaves. HORATIO turns and sees the helicopter land. CATHERINE exits the helicopter. WARRICK follows. HORATIO meets them.) Horatio Caine: Horatio Caine. Catherine: Catherine Willows. (They shake hands.) Horatio Caine: Caine. Warrick: Brown. (They shake hands.) Horatio Caine: Child services has sent a doctor out. Catherine: All right, let's just be clear. This is a Las Vegas case. This is our victim and we do the processing. Horatio Caine: Okay, I didn't say he processed her. I just said he was here. Catherine: I appreciate the respect. Horatio Caine: You sure about that? Warrick: Does she know about her father? Horatio Caine: Not yet. Warrick: Well, I'd like to get started processing. Can you show me who you found? Horatio Caine: Okay, I found her right in here. (HORATIO points to some area on the left of them.) Horatio Caine: And ... this is the young lady right over here. (HORATIO CAINE turns around to indicate SASHA RITTLE sitting on the back of a truck taking a sip of something and returning it to the female officer with her. CATHERINE walks up to SASHA.) Catherine: Hi, Sasha. I'm Catherine Willows. And ... I need to ask you a few questions. Okay? (SASHA nods. CATHERINE puts her kit on the truck back next to SASHA. She opens it.) Catherine: My kit. Did the man touch you? (CATHERINE starts to take samples off of SASHA'S clothing.) Sasha Rittle: He hit my mommy. Catherine: Did he hit you? Did he hurt you in any way? Sasha Rittle: He acted like I wasn't there. Catherine: Well, you know what always happens to bad people? They leave behind a part of themselves and that's how you can help us find your mommy. Now, I need to look underneath your fingernails. (CATHERINE glances down at SASHA'S hand. She has it clenched in a fist and pulls it out of CATHERINE'S hold. She's hiding something.) Catherine: You want to show me what's in your hand? (SASHA looks up at HORATIO CAINE.) Horatio Caine: It's okay. (SASHA opens her fist revealing a shell casing.) Catherine: Where did you get that? (Quick flashback to earlier with SASHA outside the car and her mother leaning out the door.) Mina Rittle: Go! Run, Sasha, run! (Cut to SASH running. The kidnapper firing a gun and a casing hitting the ground. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sasha Rittle: I ran out after they drove off. I picked that up. Horatio Caine: I bet it felt cold when you picked it up. Sasha Rittle: No. No ... hot. Horatio Caine: Hmm. Sasha Rittle: You're tricking me. Horatio Caine: You're too smart for that. (SASHA smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAME PLACE -- SHORT TIME LATER -- NIGHT] (Camera close up of a latex-gloved hand holding the casing. The camera pulls back and we see that it's not CATHERINE holding the bullet, but another blonde-haired woman.) Calleigh Duquesne: You can spot a Glock cartridge from a block away: rectangular, firing pin impression, breach face shear. This casing's no Glock. It's isn't your chief's weapon. Warrick: Well, whoever this guy is, he's a lousy shot. Calleigh Duquesne: Five casings, no hits. Oh, by the way, I'm Calleigh Duquesne. Don't ask me how to spell it. Southern. Catherine: Catherine Willows. Southern ... Nevada. (Without looking up, HORATIO CAINE quietly laughs.) Calleigh Duquesne: You got a theory on how the mother and daughter ended up all the way in Miami from Las Vegas? Catherine: We don't really work theories. Do we, Warrick? Warrick: No, just evidence. Calleigh Duquesne: We're much more fanciful down here. Aren't we, Horatio? Horatio Caine: I think that's a fair description. Calleigh Duquesne: My guess is that this belongs to a Taurus 9, made in Brazil. It's a cheap beretta knockoff and you may not see many of them in Vegas but we get them down here all the time. Which makes me think this guy wasn't fleeing Las Vegas. Horatio Caine: He was coming home to Miami. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (ROBBINS is running through the initial findings report with GRISSOM.) Robbins: Well, it's no longer "trunk man." Identified him from his dental records. Jason Doyle. Dead for three days; no GSR. Grissom: So, I guess he didn't shoot Rittle. Robbins: We only recovered one slug from his cranium. (ROBBINS turns and picks up a bullet from the side table. He holds it up.) Robbins: And I got this fragment from his lower back. Grissom: His lower back? I thought he was shot twice in the head. Robbins: Vascular embolization. Bullet got into his arterial system. Grissom: That's rare. Robbins: Well, it took a full-body x-ray for me to find the thing. Bullet entered here ... (Camera close up of ROBBINS pointing to the bullet hole just under the deceased's right ear.) (Quick CGI POV to the sound of a gun shot and a view of the bullet traveling.) Robbins: (V.O.) ... fragmenting at the neck and losing velocity upon penetration (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: ... of the carotid artery. Tube down the aorta, continually losing momentum. (Quick CGI POV of the bullet continuing it's path inside the deceased's body. The bullet travels and breaks through bone and continues to travel.) Robbins: As it exited the aorta, it struck the vertebral column and then was swept down to the base of the aorta ... (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: ... where I recovered it here at the lumbar region. (GRISSOM puffs.) Grissom: Pinball. Robbins: Looks like nines, like we found in the Chief. Grissom: I'll call Catherine. Thanks. Robbins: Yeah. (GRISSOM leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (NICK is dusting a champagne bottle. SARA is working on something else on the same table.) Sara: Hey, Nick ... ? Nick: Mm-hmm? Sara: You ever been to a swingers' party? Nick: Well, if it's the same thing as a frat party yeah, lots of them. You know, you get enough booze going things can get pretty wild. Sara: Frat party, huh? I wouldn't know anything about that. (For a moment, the two continue to work in silence.) Sara: How wild? Nick: Multiple-partner wild. And it'd be no big deal to have two, maybe three girls at once, just ... (The computer beeps. A work card appears on the left of the computer screen and a finger print card appears on the right.) [The info card on the left reads: TIFFANY LANGER 78586 Ambers Avenue Las Vegas, NV 89108 ID#: 8006389904? DOB: 12/08/69 s*x: F Ht: 5'5" Hair: Brown Wt: 110 lbs Eyes: Brown Occupation: Showgirl Employer: Orpheus Hotel ] Nick: Hit on the rock glass. "Work card. Orpheus hotel. Tiffany Langer." Sara: Who's she? Nick: Showgirl. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - WAITING AREA] (TIFFANY LANGER is being questioned by NICK and GRISSOM. They're sitting in the chairs in the waiting area.) Tiffany Langer: Yes, I went to the party. No, I didn't go alone. And no, I'm not telling you my date's name or anyone else who was there. These people are important. Grissom: Well, a very important police officer was murdered there. Tiffany Langer: I don't care. It took me a long time to get into the circle and I plan on staying there. Nick: Was there anybody there you didn't know? Grissom: Anybody who wasn't in "the circle"? Tiffany Langer: Well, my date. Nick: Do you know where he is? Tiffany Langer: I haven't seen him since that night. He sent me home with a Judge and his wife. Nick: So ... your date stayed at the party after you left? Tiffany Langer: As far as I know. Nick: Where does he live? Tiffany Langer: I don't know. I've known him for five days. Grissom: Well, that's 120 hours. There must be something you know about him that you could share with us. Tiffany Langer: Right-handed, a libra, circumcised, rich ... back-east rich. Which kind of surprised me because he wore really cheap cologne. Grissom: Cheap? How? Tiffany Langer: Smelled funny ... sweet. Grissom: Are you sure it was cologne? Tiffany Langer: Or deodorant. Mouthwash maybe. All I know is it smelled sickly sweet. To be honest I thought he could have used a little help in that department. Grissom: Would you happen to have an article of clothing of his by any chance? Tiffany Langer: The only thing he gave me was a good time. Grissom: Hey, guess what? This isn't about you. This is about a missing seven-year-old girl. Nick: Why don't you give us his name. Tiffany Langer: Adam Van Der Welk. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) ACCESS ROAD -- DAY] (CATHERINE is on the phone with BRASS. She's on the roadway next to the vehicle.) Catherine: Uh, no, the chief's little girl is with child services. We're still at the drop-off place. (pause) Yeah, right. Will do, Brass. Warrick: I got a pill. (CALLEIGH DUQUESNE picks up her case and heads to WARRICK.) Warrick: Looks like sedative. (WARRICK puts down an evidence marker #11 near the pill and CATHERINE takes a picture of it.) Catherine: Okay. (WARRICK picks it up.) Warrick: Diazapam. Benzos.. Calleigh Duquesne: That could explain why the mother didn't escape with her daughter. She was incapacitated. (CALLEIGH looks over at HORATIO CAINE who is standing off to the side looking away from everyone.) (Quick flashback to beaten mother opening the car door for her daughter in the car. Cut to the package of pills falling to the dirt road. Cut to SASHA RITTLE outside the car.) Mina Rittle: Go! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (HORATIO turns around.) Horatio Caine: How'd the little girl get away? Catherine: We got some tire treads on the shoulder. Made an easy stop. Horatio Caine: And why did he pick such a secluded area? Warrick: Seems like a great place to ice someone. Horatio Caine: Or take a leak. Maybe that's why he stopped the car here... to take a leak. (Quick flashback to mother and daughter in the car. the mother turns her head to check on the man whose back is to them outside the car. White flash to the mother opening the car door. White flash to SASHA RITTLE standing outside the door.) Mina Rittle: Run! Run, Sash, run! (SASHA RITTLE runs away from the car. Cut to muzzle of gun firing. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (HORATIO looks straight down the pathway.) Horatio Caine: Let me ask you another question: When you're home alone do you lock the bathroom door? Catherine: I don't even know you. Horatio Caine: Sure you do. We all do. It's human nature to avoid being vulnerable, isn't it? So, if that's the case then he would look for a tree to shield himself, wouldn't he? (They start to walk down the pathway looking for signs.) Horatio Caine: So Then the question becomes, how far along this path before he loses sight of them? Catherine: Not very far. Horatio Caine: Look at this. Bang. Footprints ... and this is urine. (Quick flashback to MINA RITTLE in the car looking back. White flash to the man standing off to the side with his back to the car taking a leak. White flash to End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: If you're lucky, urethral cells with slough off with urine. Horatio Caine: But if we get his DNA, there's a chance we'll get him. (CATHERINE starts taking pictures. A cell phone rings. HORATIO answers it.) Horatio Caine: (to phone) Yeah. Caine. What do you mean FBI? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) CITY COASTLINE (STOCK) -- DAY] [EXT. POOL] (A woman swimming lifts herself out of the pool.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) HOTEL - DAY] (CATHERINE is on her phone speaking with GRISSOM.) Catherine: The guy has B.O.? Grissom: (on phone) Body odor, bad breath ... INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - LAB] Grissom: I don't know. There's something about Adam Van Der Welk that makes him smell. Catherine: All this because some showgirl said he smelled sweet? Grissom: (from phone) "Sickly sweet." Grissom: Smells can be like fingerprints, my dear. Hey, what's going on there? (from phone) I thought you were meeting the Feds? Catherine: Uh, yeah, we are. They picked the place. The Shore Club. Later. (CATHERINE hangs up.) Catherine: What's taking so long? Horatio Caine: That is a good question. (TIM SPEEDLE walks into the waiting area. He checks out the woman in a sarong as he walks by.) Tim Speedle: Hey, I just ran into a Fed in the lobby. He told me that apparently the Vegas case fits the profile of a serial the FBI's been tracking. (to WARRICK) Hey, you're from Vegas? (TIM SPEEDLE holds out his hand to WARRICK. They shake.) Tim Speedle: Speedle. Warrick: Brown. Calleigh Duquesne: Where was the Fed? Tim Speedle: He's right there in the lobby. He's got his little headphone on and his little tie. Horatio Caine: And you talked to him? Tim Speedle: Yeah. Horatio Caine: Do they have an ID yet? Tim Speedle: No ID yet, but their perp targets wealthy couples at their playgrounds ... Pebble Beach, Aspen, The Hamptons. Evidently the husbands get murdered first and the wives later. After they've enjoyed 48 hours of fun and games. (CATHERINE'S eyes widen at the specific time-frame.) Catherine: 48? Tim Speedle: (to CATHERINE) Vegas? (he holds out his hand) Speedle. Catherine: Willows. (They shake. SPEEDLE smiles slightly.) Horatio Caine: That's it? Tim Speedle: There's also a link to Miami. Horatio Caine: (flatly) Of course there is. (HORATIO walks out of the room. SPEEDLE spreads his arms wide.) Tim Speedle: Or, you know, he could just be some geriatric dude that just digs the weather. Catherine: I don't understand. Why didn't the Feds put this out on NCIC? Calleigh Duquesne: Because they're Feds. (CALLEIGH stands up.) Calleigh Duquesne: Excuse me. (CALLEIGH walks out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) HOTEL - LOBBY -- DAY] (Two Feds walk through the lobby. One is just getting off of the cell phone. Behind them, HORATIO walks in and gets his attention.) Horatio Caine: Dennis ... Dennis ... tick-tock, Dennis. While you're waiting to get your ducks in a row the guy with the "Miami link" just slipped through my hands. FBI Agent Dennis Sackheim: Horatio, I didn't have federal approval ... Horatio Caine: I need answers for this little girl. Her father's just been killed, maybe her mother, too. And that's your fault. You understand that. FBI Agent Dennis Sackheim: It sounds like you're making this personal. Horatio Caine: Dennis, you don't give me this link, I will make this very personal. (FBI AGENT DENNIS SACKHEIM takes off his glasses.) FBI Agent Dennis Sackheim: All of his victims stayed here in the last year. Horatio Caine: Here? This hotel? FBI Agent Dennis Sackheim: Rittle and his wife, too. Last winter. Horatio Caine: Mm, I wish I would have known that. Maybe they'd still be alive. Yeah? (CALLEIGH DUQUESNE approaches and begins to say something to HORATIO CAINE in Spanish.) Horatio Caine: (to CALLEIGH) si ... vamos. (CALLEIGH leaves.) Horatio Caine: (to DENNIS) I had a bad feeling about this. FBI Agent Dennis Sackheim: What'd she just say to you? Horatio Caine: She just said that you need to learn the language. (HORATIO puts on his glasses and runs to catch up with CALLEIGH.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) CANAL ROADSIDE -- DAY] (Several officers' cars gather. WARRICK approaches ERIC DELKO who is wearing a dive suit.) Warrick: I don't see this burgundy car. Where are you looking? (ERIC DELKO removes his head gear and points to the ground near the water's edge.) Eric Delko: Check the disturbance along the bank and follow it in. Warrick: How did you find the disturbance? Drive up and down the canals all day? Eric Delko: No, the thing about Miami is the entire city's watched from above. Coast guard choppers. Someone going to cover me? Horatio Caine: I got you. (CATHERINE stands next to WARRICK.) Catherine: Cover you for what? Eric Delko: Alligators. Tim Speedle: Only way to out run a 'gator is to swim faster than the guy next to you. Isn't that right, Delko? Eric Delko: Used to have a partner. (WARRICK smiles.) Horatio Caine: Guys ... please? (DELKO goes into the water. HORATIO puts the rifle up in alert. Several moments go by. DELKO breaks through the surface. He holds a thumb's up sign for a few moments, then sadly turns the thumb down.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Close up of the tow rope being rolled.) [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) CANAL ROADSIDE - EARLY EVENING] (The car is being towed out of the canal. They successfully get the car out on to the roadside.) (HORATIO opens the car door. Along with the water, a dead woman tumbles out of the car. Her mouth is taped, she's naked and wrapped in plastic wrap. CATHERINE peers in to the window.) Horatio Caine: That her? Catherine: Yeah, that's Mina Rittle. (CALLEIGH holds the camera up and starts taking pictures.) (HORATIO walks off to the side and pulls off his glasses.) Horatio Caine: Our guy's still in the wind, folks. Still in the wind. HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (ALEXX WOODS starts the autopsy examination. CATHERINE is there in the room with HORATIO CAINE.) Alexx Woods: What's her name? Catherine: Mina Rittle. Alexx Woods: Who wrapped you, Mina? The plastic wasn't for transport. Covering her intimates -- most likely sexual. Two gunshot wounds, left temple. One shot was a through-and-through. Trace ASAP along with the plastic. My preliminary probe shows water in the lungs which indicates she was still alive when she was put in the canal. (ALEXX WOODS looks at the deceased's face and notices something.) Alexx Woods: Looks like the eyes are glued shut. Gold crusty substance underneath. What is that, Mina? (HORATIO takes a sample of the substance.) Horatio Caine: The substance is water-soluble. Catherine: But somehow it got preserved in the water. My guess is the plastic was wrapped around her eyes at some point. Alexx Woods: Wait a minute. (ALEXX WOODS notices that there is the same sticky substance oozing out of the deceased's ears.) (Quick CGI POV from outside the ear to inside the ear canal where se can see the yellowish-colored substance deep inside. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Alexx Woods: There's a lot more of it. What do you want to bet this is in every orifice? (ALEXX moves around to the bottom of the table. She checks between the woman's legs and definitely finds what she's looking for. She waves the swab around and looks at HORATIO and CATHERINE.) Alexx Woods: You guys got a sick one. (CATHERINE looks at HORATIO. Camera holds on HORATIO.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) CANAL ROADSIDE -- DAY] (TIM SPEEDLE is walking the docks. He's looking down at the water below. He paces the docks. ERIC DELKO breaks through the water surface. He peels off his mask and holds on to a plastic bag.) Eric Delko: Aha! Tim Speedle: Delko, you've been down there for 45 minutes. Do you know the level of bacteria in the water? You can get all kinds of infections. What do you got? Eric Delko: Water pistol. (ERIC hands the bag over to SPEEDLE.) Eric Delko: One water-logged beretta knock-off. Tim Speedle: Suspect's personal gun? Eric Delko: That's it. Tim Speedle: Congratulations. Eric Delko: I'll put it over the wires that he's not carrying that Taurus anymore. Tim Speedle: Do that, and take a shower. Eric Delko: Nice shoes. (SPEEDLE makes his way off the docks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (LAS VEGAS) CSI - INTERROGATION ROOM] (TIFFANY LANGER is sitting at the table with a composite artist.) Composite Artist: Ma'am, you have to concentrate on the face. In parts, not just the whole. Tiffany Langer: Ask me what he wore. Ask me if he was good in bed. Just don't ask me how close together his eyes were. Nick: You said he kind of looked like Ricky Martin, right? Tiffany Langer: Yeah, with a touch of Jude Law. Composite Artist: Try to not just picture him. Try to think of an event. Tiffany Langer: Okay ... three-way kiss. His lower lip was kind of pouty ... (The artist turns to his pad and continues to draw.) Tiffany Langer: and he had this Michael Douglas thing working, you know --- a cleft in his chin. (The artist outlines a cleft chin and shows it to TIFFANY LANGER.) Composite Artist: Kind of like that? Tiffany Langer: Yeah. You're right. That is easier. (Short time cut to a completed pencil drawing of a man on the pad.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) INTERROGATION ROOM] (SASHA RITTLE works with a composite artist who is also drawing a picture of the (The camera pulls back.) (Through the window, CATHERINE observes the proceedings.) (Cut back to the little girl and the artist inside the room.) (Cut back to CATHERINE as she watches just outside the glass door.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Close up of fax machine as it spews out the composite drawing from Las Vegas. CATHERINE picks it up and looks at it.) [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) CSI OFFICES] Catherine: (on phone) Adam Van Der Welk. Little girl saw a monster. Showgirl saw a husband. So this guy could be anybody. Nick: Yeah, that's the problem with eyewitnesses. All the more reason to rely on evidence. Tell Warrick hey. Let me know if anything breaks. Catherine: You, too. (CATHERINE hangs up as she walks down the hallway. HORATIO walks through the hallway toward CATHERINE. He passes WARRICK with a hello.) Horatio Caine: Hey. Warrick: Hey. Horatio Caine: So, how's your colleague Grissom doing on the aroma angle? Catherine: I'm sure he's making progress but Grissom rarely says anything until he's good and ready. Horatio Caine: Smart man. I just wanted to show you something. The sticky substance we got off the wife is, in fact, honey. Catherine: You say that like it means something. Horatio Caine: Well, honey on its own is just honey, but when you add plastic wrap, it's ... a different situation. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) NIGHT CLUB -- NIGHT] (A woman in plastic wrap walks the counter-top. There's a crowd around the counter and pulsating techno-pop music playing in the background. The crowd cheers and chants.) (The woman in plastic wrap catwalks to the end of the counter where she sits down and lays back on her elbows. Two men hold up containers of honey as they dance to the beat of the music.) Crowd: Five... four... three ... ...two... one... (When the crowd reaches one, the two men pour the honey on the woman on the counter. Up her legs and on her abdomen.) (Another waitress carries out a tray with cut fruit on it. The crowd picks the fruit off the tray. The men stop pouring the honey, and the crowd dips their pieces of fruit in the honey on the woman.) Catherine: Yum. This is where he got the idea. Horatio Caine: Yep. [CLOSED-CAPTIONING: HORATIO CAINE: This is Hives.] (HORATIO pulls out a swab from his coat pocket.) Horatio Caine: Wish me luck. (He leaves CATHERINE'S side and makes his way to the woman on the counter.) Horatio Caine: Excuse me. Excuse me. (HORATIO reaches the woman. He looks down at her and proceeds to take a swab sample of the honey on her.) Horatio Caine: Hi Showgirl: Some guys like to lick it off. Horatio Caine: Really? I'm partial to the swab myself. (CATHERINE appears next to HORATIO.) Catherine: Ready, honey? Horatio Caine: Coming, dear. (The SHOWGIRL smiles deliciously as they leave. Patrons of the club continue to dip their pieces of fruit into the honey on the woman.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (LAS VEGAS) CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Camera close-up of DR. ROBBINS as he reads. The camera cuts back and we see that both he and GRISSOM are pouring over text books on the desk in GRISSOM'S office.) Robbins: Tuberculosis victims emit breath that smells like wet leaves. (Behind them, BRASS appears in the doorway and pauses.) Grissom: Maple, elm, ash, what? Robbins: I'm not sure. (BRASS takes a step into the office.) Brass: Miami is pulling cars out of canals -- chasing leads, debriefing the kid -- and you guys are flipping through textbooks? Grissom: This is how I work. (BRASS picks up the books on the table and reads the bindings.) Brass: Tuberculosis ... Cyanide poisoning ... Endocrinology. (GRISSOM taps the side of his nose.) Grissom: I'm following my nosino. Brass: You're closer to this Van Der Welk guy than you're letting on aren't you? (GRISSOM slowly looks up at BRASS. Oh yeah, BRASS is catching on ... Satisfied, he nods his head to each man.) Brass: (to GRISSOM) Doctor ... (to ROBBINS) Doctor. (BRASS leaves the room.) Robbins: How about Darier disease? Grissom: Doesn't that give you a rash that smells like human excrement we're looking for something a little sweeter. Robbins: There's diabetic ketoacidosis. Body has excess glucose which converts to ketone ... Gets expelled through the pores. Has a fruity smell. It would help if we had a piece of the assailant's clothing. (GRISSOM'S eyes widen as he realizes something.) Robbins: What? Grissom: I think I overlooked some evidence. (GRISSOM stands and heads out the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) CSI -- LAB] (Close of up the slide under a microscope and a sample of honey being placed on the slide.) Tim Speedle: I'm going to isolate it using high-performance liquid chromatography. Once we identify the pollen we'll know if it's floral honey. (Camera cut to the scope view of the focus on yellow honey.) (SPEEDLE steps aside for HORATIO CAINE to look. HORATIO peers through the scope.) Tim Speedle: So, H, when's the last time you were in Hives? Horatio Caine: I was there opening night. Tim Speedle: I didn't see you there. Horatio Caine: I was, uh ... VIP. (TIM SPEEDLE smiles and nods - he should have known.) Horatio Caine: What is this? Tim Speedle: It's tupelo honey. It's the purest of all honeys. Stays in liquid form for life. Doesn't crystallize or harden. Horatio Caine: Where'd you get that? Tim Speedle: CDC hipped me to it after that africanized bee problem. Horatio Caine: Okay, let's swap this out. I want you to take a look at this. (HORATIO changes slides.) Horatio Caine: We got this off the chief's wife. (SPEEDLE focuses the scope. Scope view shows us the yellow honey. SPEEDLE straightens and looks at HORATIO.) Tim Speedle: It's a match. (HORATIO nods his head.) Horatio Caine: It's a match. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HIVE -- DAY] (HORATIO & WARRICK are rifling through the receipts. WARRICK looks at the honey.) Warrick: $500 for five dollars worth of honey? I don't think it's worth it. Nightclub Manager: Those are mostly for decoration but once in a while some bigwig comes takes one of them out of here. Horatio Caine: Wouldn't it have been easier to put these in order? This is going to take forever. Calleigh Duquesne: (o.s.) Maybe not. I've got a receipt from just two nights ago. Horatio Caine: Let me see that. (CALLEIGH hands the receipt to HORATIO.) [SCENE_BREAK] (CATHERINE is interviewing the Security Guard.) Catherine: Do you recognize this guy? Security: Yeah, looks just like every other Joe that comes in here. Catherine: Look, you work the door. Anybody come in here in the last 48 hours that bought some of that very expensive tupelo this is Miami. Security: Every night's a weekend. (HORATIO joins them.) Horatio Caine: My people tell me that a customer came in here two nights ago to buy some. Security: Wasn't a customer. It was a limo driver. Catherine: A limo driver? Security: Yeah, Gordon. Gave me a c-note just to double park. Horatio Caine: Did this Gordon tell you who he had in back of his car? Security: No. Just that it was some rich guy -- some high roller. Catherine: Let me guess-- from Vegas. Security: Yeah. (Suddenly, the pieces are slowly coming together.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) HIGHWAY (STOCK) - DAY] (Top view of limo traveling along roadway and a police car with its siren on behind it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) -- DAY] (HORATIO and CATHERINE exit the car. They meet up with SPEEDLE.) Horatio Caine: How'd you find him? Tim Speedle: Figured, limo driver -- airport. I spotted Gordon here on Alton -- back way to Miami International. Lit him up, pulled him over here. Horatio Caine: Nice work. You got a last name, Gordon? Gordon Daimler: Daimler. Look, officer, the Corwins are coming in on their own private jet. They're two of my best customers. I really should be there. Horatio Caine: Well, the Corwins are going to have to wait. Catherine: We understand that another one of your customers bought some very expensive honey from a club. Gordon Daimler: Yeah, well, I've had stranger requests. Catherine: This customer of yours have a name? Gordon Daimler: Never got it. He paid cash. Never saw a credit card. Catherine: Well, did you notice anything unusual about him? Did he smell? Did he ... have an odor? Gordon Daimler: Uh, his breath maybe. He'd been drinking a lot. Horatio Caine: Remember what he was drinking? Was it sweet like irish whiskey? Gordon Daimler: Whatever I have stocked. Catherine: Well, we'd like to take a look. Gordon Daimler: Sure. Go ahead. (HORATIO checks out the front seat of the car; CATHERINE works on the back seat.) (CATHERINE climbs in the back seat. She checks the first bottle and smells it.) Catherine: Vodka. (She smells the second bottle.) Catherine: Gin. (HORATIO starts the engine and turns on the air conditioner. He puts the window between the front and the back seats down. CATHERINE leans forward.) Horatio Caine: Hmm. Smell that? Catherine: Sickly sweet. That's exactly how Grissom described it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (LAS VEGAS) CSI - WAITING ROOM] (GRISSOM opens the evidence package and takes out the baseball cap found on the dead body in the back of Chief Riddle's car. He holds it out to TIFFANY LANGER.) Tiffany Langer: You want me to do what? Grissom: Smell this. (GRISSOM holds out the baseball cap. She gives him a look and takes off her sunglasses. She smells it.) Tiffany Langer: That's it. That's Adam's smell. Grissom: In the five days that you two were together, did you happen to notice what he was drinking? Tiffany Langer: Champagne. Grissom: Did he ever drink anything sweeter like whiskey or cognac? Tiffany Langer: No, Are you kidding me? With him it was all dom, all the time. (TIFFANY LANGER puts her sunglasses back on. GRISSOM smiles as he puts the hat away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) - DAY] (CATHERINE is speaking on her cell phone. HORATIO CAINE is standing nearby listening in to CATHERINE'S side of the conversation.) Catherine: You found a medical condition. Grissom: Diabetic ketoacidosis - INTERCUT WITH [INT. (LAS VEGAS) CSI - DAY] Grissom: it's an insulin deficiency. His body's been expelling excess glucose. Makes him smell fruity. Catherine: Which I guess could easily be mistaken for whiskey breath. Hey, can you test for diabetic ketoacidosis off urine? Grissom: Well, blood's the best but if you had a urine sample, maybe. Horatio Caine: Ask him what medication you would take for that. Catherine: What would a doctor prescribe? Grissom: Novalin insulin. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY - SUNSET (STOCK)] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) CSI - LAB] (HORATIO CAINE makes his way down the steps and into the lab. CATHERINE is behind him.) Horatio Caine: Lucky for us we found blood in his urine. Catherine: Absence of c-peptide in the blood. Means the insulin in our guy's system isn't natural -- it's synthetic. Horatio Caine: And prescribed. Right over here. It's our database. (They reach the bottom area where HORATIO CAINE points to a work station on their left. He pulls up a chair.) Horatio Caine: Okay, what we're looking for is a patient who's purchased synthetic insulin in the last 48 hours. (At the computer screen, HORATIO CAINE does an Advanced Search on Prescriptions on the KeyWord: "Novalin Insulin" During the last: "48 hours - Current".) Horatio Caine: Here we go. (The results are immediate.) Computer Screen 1: [Your basic search for Synthetic insulin matches: Prescription #: / Patient #: / Pr R# 63K1 / McCrary694 R# 916414 / Marie81 R# 783J38 / Bush571 / Order Amt: R# U1456JZ6 / Woodbury49 / Order Amt: R# IZ921 / Ziegler671 R# 15V445 / Reichenbach926 R# 54DT58 / Carlisle392 R# 8DJ223 / McBride654 R# 97H92 / Webber942 R# 69666 / Hutchinson306 R# N6479 / Willman126 R# 16W45S1 / Daimler408 R# 1Y0 / Andreou328 R# 514761 / Bruning 536 ] Computer Screen 2: [RESULTS RESULTS - PATIENT INFORMATION NAME: GORDON DAIMLER RX: INSULIN RX#44092-1084 ADDRESS: 2421 RIVIERA DRIVE COCONUT GROVE, FL 33154 ] Catherine: Gordon Daimler. That's the limo driver. (HORATIO CAINE nods.) Horatio Caine: That's him. And the reason that old Gordon probably didn't smell when we picked him up is because he'd just taken his insulin, hadn't he? Catherine: But the scent was still in the limo's AC system. Well, now we have this guy's address. Horatio Caine: Yes, take a look at this address. A limousine driver with a house on the water in Coconut Grove? I don't think so. Catherine: Who's the owner of record? Horatio Caine: Let's check it. (HORATIO CAINE runs a second search.) Computer Screen 3: [RESULTS PROPERTY IS OWNED BY: NAME: Dylan and Sissy Corwin ADDRESS: 2421 Riviera Drive Coconut Grove, FL 33154 PROPERTY #: 09472-59573-29175 ] Catherine: Sissy and Dylan Corwin. That's the couple he was picking up at the airport when we pulled him over. Horatio Caine: That's right. Catherine: So then maybe that's how he finds his victims -- driving a limo. Horatio Caine: And when they're away at some posh resort he moves into their house, doesn't he? Catherine: Hops over to Las Vegas. Visits the couple he met in Miami. Kills the husband... Horatio Caine: mm-hmm. Catherine: ...Brings the wife back here-- kills her. Horatio Caine: And when the Corwins come home ... not good. (Off CATHERINE'S look.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) COCONUT GROVE - DRIVEWAY - DAY] (A car pulls up and parks behind a black limo parked in the driveway. HORATIO CAINE exits the car, WARRICK behind him. Both of them have their guns drawn.) (Cautiously, they approach the house.) Catherine: (o.s.) No one's answering inside. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. (MIAMI-DADE) COCONUT GROVE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Through the open doorway, HORATIO CAINE yells into the house.) Horatio Caine: Miami-Dade police! (There's no response.) (HORATIO CAINE, followed by WARRICK and CALLEIGH DUQUESNE who also has her gun drawn, enter the home. HORATIO checks out the right while WARRICK and CALLEIGH head off to the left.) (Cut to WARRICK and CALLEIGH walking through the hallway toward the stairs.) (Cut to HORATIO rounding the corner. CATHERINE'S walking behind him. HORATIO looks up to the stairs leading to the second floor. He cautiously makes his way up the stairs. He stops at the first landing, gun pointed upward.) Horatio Caine: Slowly. (CATHERINE walks up the stairs and passes HORATIO as he covers her.) Horatio Caine: Slowly. (By this time, HORATIO has his gun down and before he follows CATHERINE the rest of the way up the stairs, he looks around and takes special notices of the framed photographs hanging on the stairway wall. The photo closest to him at his eye level is a photo of a plane.) [STAIRWELL LEADING TO THE GARAGE] (Cut to WARRICK rounds the corner at the top of the stairway leading down. WARRICK takes off his glasses and notices the blood immediately.) Warrick: I got a blood trail here. Leading to the garage. (He starts to descend the stairs. CALLEIGH follows close behind, covering his back.) [MASTER BEDROOM] (CATHERINE enters the master bedroom. She puts her kit down and puts on a pair of latex gloves. HORATIO enters the bedroom.) (CATHERINE looks around. The bed is in disarray. She lifts up the covers looking for evidence. She finds a scrap of plastic wrap. She picks it up and looks at it.) (Quick flashback to SISSY CORWIN on the bed, struggling with her captor. Cut to the assailant hitting her. Cut to SISSY CORWIN unconscious on the bed and the assailant unrolling a section of plastic wrap. End of flashback. Resume to present.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CORWIN RESIDENCE - GARAGE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK reaches the garage. He takes a few more steps, following the blood trail. CALLEIGH enters the garage.) Warrick: He dragged the body to here ... (WARRICK looks down at the large blood stain on the garage floor.) Warrick: ... put her in that car. Calleigh Duquesne: Nine mill. (WARRICK turns around and notices CALLEIGH crouched down and staring at a slug in a wall. He joins her.) Calleigh Duquesne: One shot's a through-and-through. Scalp hair. He fired this one first. (Camera shows a slug in a wall. The wall around the slug is clear.) Calleigh Duquesne: I don't know. To terrorize her. (WARRICK looks at the second slug, the wall around which is dry with scalp and blood.) Warrick: This strike here. That one's all business. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CORWIN RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (HORATIO walks around. He turns his head and looks into the bathroom and notices something on the shower tile. He holsters his weapon and opens the door for a closer look. The substance is shiny, sticky-looking and clear.) (Quick flashback to a gun being held against SISSY CORWIN'S HEAD. She's cowering on the floor of the shower with her back against the wall. White flash to honey being smeared on SISSY CORWIN'S cheek. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE walks up behind HORATIO. She looks at the shower and without saying a word, HORATIO nods his head. They're both thinking of the same scenario.) (CATHERINE holds up the piece of plastic wrap she found on the bed.) Catherine: He wrapped her in plastic by the bed, raped her. Horatio Caine: Then dragged her in here and cornered her like an animal. Catherine: If Gordon's true to form, he's going to kill the Corwins. (TIM SPEEDLE appears in the doorway and interrupts them.) Tim Speedle: You guys should take a look at this. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CORWIN RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (TIM SPEEDLE is walking somewhere, leading both HORATIO and CATHERINE out to the backyard.) Tim Speedle: Well, people don't really buy these houses for the view. It's a place to put a million-dollar boat. Horatio Caine: But what's your point? (They reach the docks and CATHERINE notices it first.) Catherine: The boat's missing and that's where he's killing them right now. Horatio Caine: (urgently) Speed, get on that thing right now. Put the birds in the air and call the coast guard. Right now. Do it. Tim Speedle: (on radio) Air and sea, this is Tim Speedle. I need you to be on the lookout for a yacht, T-45. R.O. Dylan and Sissy Corwin. Horatio Caine: Commandeered by one Gordon Daimler. Gordon Daimler. (SPEEDLE moves off to the back where he continues to call out on the radio.) Tim Speedle: (b.g.) Air and sea ... Horatio Caine: (quietly) ... Gordon Daimler. (Camera close up of HORATIO CAINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY SKYLINE (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT] (HORATIO CAINE exits the vehicle and approaches the rest of the team trying to assess the situation from their vantage point behind the police vehicle. Out at the dock, the CORWIN'S boat is docked. No one has approached the boat yet. Behind the second car is FBI Agent DENNIS SACKHEIM and SHARPSHOOTER DETWEILER already set up with his finger behind the trigger.) Dennis Sackheim: Coast guard found her adrift! (CATHERINE also joins the group.) Dennis Sackheim: No radio contact! We hailed her. No response. Tim Speedle: Infrared's up. Blue means dead, red means alive. (Camera close up of the Infrared's monitor which shows at least one red figure in the cabin. The other figure is ... ) Calleigh Duquesne: Pink. Body heat's fading. Person's dying. Catherine: Identify the other players. Horatio Caine: Speed? Warrick: (pointing to the screen) Red. Is that our suspect? Horatio Caine: I'm not sure. Dennis Sackheim: I am. (CATHERINE turns around to SACKHEIM.) Catherine: How? We haven't identified all the players. Dennis Sackheim: He's going back to finish off the job. Detweiler. (DETWEILER is manning the gun trained on the red figure inside the cabin.) Sharpshooter Detweiler: Getting a bead on him, sir. Dennis Sackheim: The M.O. On this guy says husband's already dead. He's going back to finish off the wife. You're good to go. Calleigh Duquesne: Body language does not look like an attack. (HORATIO looks over at the boat, "Cor-winds".) (Quick flashback to HORATIO taking off his glasses and looking at the framed photographs hanging on the wall on the stairway. He glances at one photograph of the boat, "Cor-winds", and the next photograph of the CORWINS standing in front of a private jet. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Horatio Caine: (to SPEEDLE) Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't the Corwins have a jet? (SPEEDLE nods.) Horatio Caine: (louder) The Corwins have a jet, right?! Gordon left them here to die. [CLOSED-CAPTIONING: HORATIO CAINE: That's where Daimler is. It's the Corwins in there.] Horatio Caine: Abort this, Sackheim! Abort this! Dennis Sackheim: Interstate case, not your call! (to DETWEILER) Proceed! Horatio Caine: Stand down! Dennis Sackheim: (to DETWEILER) Take him out! (HORATIO walks over to stand next to DETWEILER. He leans in close and proceeds to convince DETWEILER to stand down.) Horatio Caine: Detweiler, I know you want to impress your boss but there's an innocent man on that boat. Now, if you take this shot I'm going to be in your grille for the rest of your natural life. I want you to think about what that might be like. (Camera close up of DETWEILER considering the options. HORATIO stands up and takes a step back.) Horatio Caine: Think about that. (DETWEILER continues to consider the options. He looks at the darkness inside the boat cabin behind his scope and finally looks down. He moves his finger away from the trigger.) Horatio Caine: (to DETWEILER) Thank you. (to SPEEDLE) Speed, the Corwins have a jet find the jet. Call the FAA and ground the jet by authority of ... (HORATIO doesn't look at DENNIS SACKHEIM, but sticks it to him anyway.) Horatio Caine: ... Miami-Dade County. (CATHERINE is already unholstering her gun. Tim Speedle: (b.g.) Got it Catherine: Give us thirty seconds. (HORATIO, followed by CATHERINE head toward the boat.) Horatio Caine: Then send backup! (HORATIO CAINE bursts in through the boat and into the cabin as fast as he can get inside. He opens the door and finds ... ) Horatio Caine: Mr. Corwin! (DYLAN CORWIN is performing CPR on his wife. They're both bloodied, remnants of tape restraints are still on her wrists. DYLAN CORWIN looks up at HORATIO CAINE.) Dylan Corwin: I tried to save her. It's too late. (CATHERINE pushes past HORATIO to get into the cabin. DYLAN CORINW hangs his head down and sobs.) Dylan Corwin: (to his wife) I'm sorry. Horatio Caine: (to radio) Get me fire rescue. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CORWIN'S JET -- NIGHT] (The pilot looks back at his lone passenger, GORDON DAIMLER.) Pilot: Few more minutes, sir, we'll be on our way to Monaco. Sorry for the delay, sir. Technical difficulties. We'll be off shortly. (GORDON DAIMLER raises his fluted champagne glass in silent salute to the pilot. He smiles and looks out the window. He takes a sip of champagne just as we hear the sounds of a car driving up and of a door slamming.) (GORDON DAIMLER looks up.) (HORATIO CAINE boards the plane, gun drawn and aimed at GORDON DAIMLER. CATHERINE also boards the plane.) Horatio Caine: Good evening. Mr. Van Der Welk. (CATHERINE walks past HORATIO CAINE and up to GORDON DAIMER where she quickly and efficiently pats him down.) Catherine: Gordon, did you drive your limo here? (GORDON DAIMLER holds his arms outstretched. She finishes.) Catherine: He's clean. (GORDON DAIMLER shakes his head and explains calmly.) Gordon Daimler: The Corwins ... are my friends. They lent me this plane. Catherine: Like the lent you their boat? (GORDON DAIMLER smiles smugly.) Gordon Daimler: Speak to the pilot. Dylan Corwin called him personally. Directed him to fly me to Monaco. Horatio Caine: I'd rather call "Dylan" at the hospital to confirm. (The smile fades on GORDON DAIMLER'S face.) Catherine: The husband didn't die. He left us a witness and enough evidence to convict you in two states. Gordon Daimler: (smugly) Rich men don't go to jail. Horatio Caine: You're not rich, Gordon. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AIRSTRIP - NEAR THE CORWIN'S JET -- NIGHT] (Handcuffed, GORDON DAIMLER is escorted off of the plane, "Cor-wings". He's handed to the officer and exits camera frame. CATHERINE exits the plane followed by HORATIO. They walk out some distance away from the plane.) Horatio Caine: I'm going to, uh ... I'm going to book this guy. You want to go with? Catherine: Nah, you got it. I'll have my D.A. call your D.A. (HORATIO chuckles.) Horatio Caine: Sounds good. Sounds good. (They stop walking.) Horatio Caine: Uh ... thank you for your help on this. Catherine: Thanks for yours, actually. Horatio Caine: Right. (CATHERINE smiles.) Horatio Caine: You take care of yourself. Catherine: (smiles) I always do. (CATHERINE extends her hand. HORATIO grasps it. They shake hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIAMI-DADE CITY SKYLINE (STOCK) - EARLY MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (MIAMI-DADE) THE BEACH - EARLY MORNING] (HORATIO CAINE looks out toward the ocean.) (Camera cut to two officers standing watch over SASHA RITTLE as she plays in the sand. The two officers leave as HORATIO CAINE sits down next to the little girl.) Horatio Caine: Hey. Sasha Rittle: My mommy and daddy are dead, aren't they? Horatio Caine: Well, your aunt is flying in to talk to you. Sasha Rittle: That's a yes. Horatio Caine: I lost someone once. Sasha Rittle: Who? Horatio Caine: Well ... Sasha Rittle: Did you feel sick? Horatio Caine: Still do. Still do. (SASHA turns back to the sand. HORATIO CAINE still has something to say to her.) Horatio Caine: Sasha .... people are going to say a lot of things about your mom and dad and some of them are going to be true, but what I want you to remember is that they fought like heroes for you. Will you remember that for me? (SASHA nods her head.) Horatio Caine: Good. Good for you. (The two lone figures continue to sit side-by-side on the beach. HORATIO turns back to look out into the ocean.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (CATHERINE knocks on the door to get GRISSOM'S attention. She walks in to his office. GRISSOM turns around. He's wearing a dark suit and fiddling with his tie.) Catherine: Hello. Grissom: Hey. (CATHERINE stands in the doorway.) Grissom: Nice tan. (GRISSOM sits down in his chair.) Catherine: Nice suit. (CATHERINE walks into the office and stops in front of GRISSOM'S desk.) Grissom: Yeah, well, I knew you were coming back today, so I dressed up. Catherine: (snorts) Yeah. Right. Grissom: Really. (CATHERINE doesn't respond, although she does continue to look at GRISSOM.) Grissom: What? Catherine: Nothing. It's just ... unusual to see you dressed like that. Grissom: I had to go to the Chief's funeral. Catherine: Missed me that much, huh? (CATHERINE turns around and heads out the doorway, but not before she looks over her shoulder to cast GRISSOM a final look and smile.) (GRISSOM smiles as he watches her walk away. He shakes his head and turns back to his book ... still smiling.)
Plan: A: date; Q: What is the highest profile case Grissom and his crew have handled to what? A: slain execution-style; Q: How is the former chief of detectives killed? A: a wild party; Q: What event preceded the murder of the former chief of detectives? A: the residence; Q: Where are the chief's trophy wife and daughter missing from? A: 7-year-old; Q: How old is the daughter of the former chief of detectives? A: the girl; Q: Who do several motorists report seeing along an access road near Miami? A: Warrick; Q: Who is the other detective in the case? A: CSI; Q: What is Horatio Caine's job? A: the investigation; Q: What does Horatio Caine help with? Summary: Grissom and his crew handle their highest profile case to date when the city's former chief of detectives is slain execution-style in his house following a wild party. Missing from the residence are the chief's trophy wife and their 7-year-old daughter. When several motorists report seeing the girl along an access road near Miami, Catherine and Warrick fly there and meet that city's top CSI, Horatio Caine, who aids them in the investigation.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser Buffy fighting vampires in "Helpless." GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Quinton Travers talking to Giles in "Helpless." TRAVERS: When the Slayer turns 18, it's a time-honored rite of passage. GILES: It's an archaic exercise in cruelty. Quinton, Giles, and Buffy in the Sunnydale High library. GILES: We're finished. TRAVERS: Not quite. She passed, you didn't. I've recommended to the Council you be relieved of your duties as Watcher immediately. You're fired. Giles, Wesley, and Buffy in Angel's mansion in "Graduation." WESLEY: The Council's orders are to concentrate- BUFFY: I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Wesley, go back to your Council and tell them, until the next Slayer comes along, I'm not working for them any more. Buffy, Giles, and Joyce sitting around the table in "Triangle." BUFFY: What about the key, were they all over it? GILES: Well, they're interested. BUFFY: But they didn't guess about Dawn, right? I mean, they don't know that it's her. Dawn listening in on the stairs. BUFFY VOICEOVER: Here, I'll get that. Cut to inside. BUFFY: Sorry. Mom's still not a hundred percent, and I guess I haven't really been taking up the slack. We see the living room. Tara, Anya, and Willow sit on the sofa. Xander sits in a chair. Buffy and Giles are standing. Buffy moves around trying to pick up stuff that's lying around. WILLOW: No, the place looks fine, Buffy. TARA: Yeah, it's just us. Buffy picks up a sweater (Riley's) and looks sadly at it. XANDER: That must have belonged to, uh... (We see that Xander's right wrist is in a cast after having been broken in "Triangle.") Um, aren't we supposed to have a meeting? GILES: Uh, yes, yes, we, we're here for a reason. (Buffy sits) I've had some rather, uh ... well, I've had some news. It seems that the Council of Watchers has ... found some information that may help us out. BUFFY: About Glory? GILES: Presumably. We'll find that out when they ... arrive. Could be very important. BUFFY: Arrive? They're coming here? Now? W-why do they have to come here? XANDER: Yeah, don't they have phones? (fake British accent) "Allo, Buffy, here's some stuff we know, pip pip." BUFFY: Yeah! Phones. See, I'd like them on phones. TARA: Well, what's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, Watchers, that's just like other Gileses, right? BUFFY: Yeah, they're scary and horrible! GILES: Um, they, well, they can appear a bit ... well, uh, hard-nosed, but, uh, well, essentially, their agenda is the same as ours, they want to save the world and kill demons. ANYA: Kill the current demons, right? *Current* demons. BUFFY: Giles, I don't want them to come here. I don't trust them. Make them not come here. GILES: They're probably already on their way. Our old friend Quinton Travers is ... heading up the delegation. BUFFY: They put me through that test, and it almost killed me. And then, when I was Faith, they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right now. ANYA: I don't like the sound of this. They don't sound very ex-demon-compatible. TARA: Are you sure they're English? I-I thought English people were, um, gentler, then, uh, (trailing off) normal... WILLOW: Maybe it won't be so bad this time. I mean, Buffy, they did think you were Faith last time. Now that they know you're just you, maybe they won't care enough to kill you. BUFFY: It's not just that. They're gonna screw everything up. I-it's a delicate time right now. I-I have to take care of Dawn, and- XANDER: But that's not new, you've always taken care of her. BUFFY: Right. Right, I, I know that, it's just, you know, there's, there's Glory, and... We see Dawn on the stairs, listening in, wearing pajamas. BUFFY: (OS) ...and I don't need the Council looking over my shoulder when I don't even know what we're dealing with. GILES: (OS) Well, that's precisely why we need to talk to them. Joyce comes down the stairs and sees Dawn. JOYCE: Dawn, honey, what are you doing up at this hour? Go back to bed. Cut back to living room. Buffy hears Joyce and looks alarmed. DAWN: (OS) I was just getting a snack. BUFFY: (yelling over her shoulder) Dawn, are you listening? Cut to stairs. DAWN: (calling to Buffy) I can get a snack if I want to. Dawn turns and goes back upstairs. Cut back to living room. BUFFY: (alarmed, to Giles) She was listening. WILLOW: Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with "ooh, there's a delegation a-coming"? BUFFY: No, I, I guess not. You know, it's just ... sometimes we ... say stuff, and, and ... it's all good. Giles, you were saying ... something? GILES: Um, just that ... if the Council knows something about Glory, her agenda or her origins, then ... (sighs) then maybe it will help us get a, a, a grip on what we're dealing with. Right now I think we're, we're a bit lost. Cut to: Glory sitting on the floor of her apartment, panting and sweaty, looking pale and in pain. The door bursts open and Dreg enters with another demon who looks like him (Jinx). They are dragging a man in postal carrier uniform. DREG: Mistress, at last we've found one. They throw him to the floor next to Glory. MAILMAN: Look, don't hurt me. I beg of you, if you just let me go, I swear I won't tell anyone. Dreg pulls him upright. DREG: (to Jinx) Help her! Jinx goes to Glory and drags her toward the mailman. JINX: We're here for you, great one. Glory gets up on her knees and the demons put her hands on the mailman's head. MAILMAN: What- DREG: Drink! MAILMAN: Oh, what is this? What the, what the hell are you things doing to me? Glory puts her fingers on the sides of his head, and then pushes them into his head. Instead of blood, yellow light streams out as Glory pushes her hands deeper into his brain. Both Glory and the mailman scream. After a moment the light stops and they both fall to the floor. DREG: Very good, delicious. Glory lies on the floor panting and smiling. She no longer looks pale or sweaty. Jinx moves toward her but she stops him. GLORY: No, I'm good. It's okay. She looks at the mailman in disgust, smacks the side of his head. He sits up, then stands. MAILMAN: I know you're all always looking at me. I can tell. Always tell. I can see. I, my hat, where's my hat? (wanders off) GLORY: (groans, laughs) Try not cutting things so close next time, understood? DREG: Yes, we live to serve. JINX: As always. GLORY: Cool. (to Dreg) Take this mess out with the rest of the trash. (Dreg moves away) And you ... (Jinx takes her hand, helps her up) have something to tell me? JINX: Indeed, Glorificus. GLORY: (smiling) Well, I'm waiting. (picks up a hand-mirror and rubs lipstick off her teeth) JINX: We have found that the signs of the alignment are moving faster than expected. GLORY: (primping in mirror) Meaning? JINX: If you are to use the key, you must act quickly. GLORY: Fine. (puts mirror down) I have been cooling my heels in this crappy little town long enough. (lies down on bed) Sunnydale's got too many demons and not enough retail outlets. (Picks up a pair of shoes) JINX: All you need is the key. GLORY: (lying on her back) Yes, and I bet Mousy the Vampire Slayer has an idea where it is. JINX: If I may remind your eminence ... you don't have much time. GLORY: (scoffs) Baby, if that girl's the only thing between me and my key? I don't need much time. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Clare Kramer, Charlie Weber, Cynthia LaMontagne, Oliver Muirhead, Kris Iyer, Kevin Weisman, Troy T. Blendell, Amber Benson as Tara, Harris Yulin as Quinton Travers, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Douglas Petrie and Jane Espenson, directed by Nick Marck. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on magic shop. Giles is talking to a female customer. He is holding two books. GILES: Well, if you're serious about these matters, all right, but ... you need to be very careful. Measure precisely, and, and, please don't step ahead. TRAVERS: (OS) No, he's quite right. We see Quinton Travers standing there with six other Watchers standing behind him: four men, two women. Quinton takes one of the books from Giles and looks at it. TRAVERS: You wouldn't want to do anything dangerous. Turn the wrong person into a badger. (Smiles, hands the book back) GILES: Quinton. I didn't realize you were here. (Gives book to customer; she walks off) TRAVERS: Well, evidently. GILES: Been a while. I see you've, uh, brought some of our ... colleagues with you. Would you care to introduce us? TRAVERS: Well, first I thought we might catch up. The other Watchers begin to spread out through the store. GILES: Well, certainly, certainly. Uh, well, um, this is the shop, obviously. (Begins walking toward the counter. Travers follows) Uh, i-it's been a very interesting transition into the world of retail. But I think it's gone rather well. I'll give you the grand tour if you like. TRAVERS: No, that's all right, I think I can see what you've been up to. Anya comes up to them behind the counter. GILES: Yes, well, I, I, uh, do limit my time here, obviously. Watcher #1 (Nigel) comes up behind Anya, looking at the racks of magic stuff behind the counter. Anya looks at him suspiciously. GILES: Buffy and I have been training a great deal these days. Uh, there's a, a back room... (points toward the back) TRAVERS: (sits on a chair beside the counter) Oh yes. I thought perhaps you were keeping that space for the really dangerous items that should be kept out of the public's hands. (Giles frowns) Or maybe you don't worry about that. GILES: I'm very careful. NIGEL: (comes over holding a vial) Most of this stuff couldn't harm anyone. Incense, dime store trinkets ... but there are some things. (Hands vial to Travers) GILES: I'm sorry, who are you? Watcher #2 (female) is looking at the stuff on another shelf. WATCHER2: There are some very potent elements here ... focusing crystals, runic artifacts, an amulet of Cauldis... Also this statue. (Picks up a statue about 2 feet tall) Its removal from Burma is a criminal offense... (Giles looks surprised. Watcher 2 carries the statue over to Travers) ...and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs. (She gives the statue to Travers and walks off) GILES: In that case, I severely underpriced it. TRAVERS: (nods to Nigel) Uh, Giles, sorry, but this is just for the duration of our stay. I think you can see why. Nigel takes the book from Giles. GILES: What, what, wha-what is just for the duration? Nigel stands in the middle of store and speaks loudly. NIGEL: Magic Box shoppers! We're going to have to ask you to leave. The store is, uh, closing early today. Watcher #3 (Philip) takes an item away from a customer. PHILIP: Terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Customers begin to leave. Anya looks alarmed. ANYA: Hey! Giles, what are they doing? Customers! Please bring your money back. Watchers escort customers out. Giles glares at Travers. GILES: You knew you were gonna do this before you even saw the place. TRAVERS: I'm sorry. It's just for the duration of the Council's review. ANYA: Council? You're the Council? (smiles) Welcome to our store. We're closed now. I'll be in the back. (Begins walking toward the back) GILES: What review, Quinton? Let's just stop a moment and talk about this. TRAVERS: (to Anya) Miss, excuse me, you, uh, you work here? Anya stops walking, turns back looking apprehensive. ANYA: Yes I do. Ever since I moved here from southeastern Indiana, where I was raised by both a mother and a father. GILES: Anya, just go. You don't have to talk to him. (Anya looks relieved, leaves) She works for me. Now tell me about this review. No one said anything to me about this. TRAVERS: Let's sit down and talk about it over here. All the Watchers move toward the round table at the far end of the store. Watcher #4 (female) pours some tea. The others stand around. GILES: You all stand around and look somber. (They do. Giles rolls his eyes) Good job. TRAVERS: You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us. GILES: You used to pay me. If you recall, firing me was not my idea. TRAVERS: Touche. (sits at table) But you were on the inside once. You know what sort of resources we command. Another Watcher puts a suitcase on the table, opens it, takes out some papers and puts them in front of Travers. Watcher #4 gives Travers a cup of tea. TRAVERS: We've discovered information about this creature, your Glory. Some of it is clearly vital, the rest merely extremely disturbing. And it won't be handed over until we're convinced that you and your Slayer are prepared for it. Thus the review. GILES: (leans over to put hands on table, speaks softly) I'm not having you put her through another one of your insane tests. TRAVERS: It's not a test. It's a check of her methods. We need to know that this information is safe. GILES: You can trust her. (straightens up) Buffy's come very far recently. She's acquired a remarkable focus. Cut to: UC Sunnydale classroom. Buffy is sitting among the students, yawning while the professor lectures. PROFESSOR: Now, Rasputin was associated with a certain obscure religious sect. (Buffy taps her pencil on her desk. The girl next to her glares. Buffy sees her and stops tapping the pencil but continues fidgeting) They held the tenet that in order to be forgiven, one first had to sin. Rasputin embraced this doctrine and proceeded to sin impressively and repeatedly. The notion that he was in fact evil gained strength years later (Buffy fiddles with her pencil, drops it, shrugs and doesn't pick it up) when the conspirators who set out to kill him found it nearly impossible to do so. BUFFY: (to herself) Nearly impossible? PROFESSOR: I'm sorry, there's a question? The students look at Buffy. PROFESSOR: (sighing) Miss Summers, of course. Buffy makes a pained face, stands up as the professor gives her a disapproving look. BUFFY: I, uh, about, you know, killing him ... you know, they, they poisoned him and, and they beat him and they shot him, and he didn't die. PROFESSOR: Until they rolled his body in a carpet and drowned him in a canal. BUFFY: But there are reported sightings of him as late as the 1930s, aren't there? PROFESSOR: I can assure you there is near consensus in the academic community regarding the death of Rasputin. BUFFY: There was also near consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to in the 1400s, and they're like, "discovering this America-shaped continent." (Professor looks annoyed) I just ... I'm only saying, you know, it might be interesting, if we ... came at it from, you know, a different perspective, that's all. PROFESSOR: Well, I'm sorry if you find these facts so boring, Miss Summers. Maybe you'd prefer I step aside, so that you can teach your own course. Speculation 101 perhaps? (The other students laugh) Intro to Flights of Fancy? (The students laugh more) BUFFY: I only meant- PROFESSOR: What was it you were going on about last week? Mysterious sleeping patterns of the Prussian generals? (Buffy looks annoyed) Now, some of us are here to learn. Believe it or not, we're interested in finding out what actually happened. It's called studying history. You can sit down now. Unless you have something else to add, professor? Buffy scowls, sits. BUFFY VOICEOVER: Miss Summers! Cut to graveyard, night. Buffy is fighting a vampire. She kicks him backward. BUFFY: Some of us are here to learn, professor! She kicks, punches twice. The vamp swings, she ducks. She grabs him and spins him around, throws him against a headstone. BUFFY: Maybe you'd like to teach your own class! VAMP: Who are you talking to? Buffy approaches and the vamp punches her in the face. She spins around from the blow, gets her bearings and turns to attack again. Spike comes flying over the headstone and grabs the vamp from behind, knocking him to the ground. As he gets up, Spike kicks him, then stakes him. Spike grins at Buffy, who stalks forward. BUFFY: Spike ... why did you do that? SPIKE: Not for money, if that's what you're thinking. Your heartfelt gratitude's plenty. (stops grinning) I expect I'll be getting that any moment. BUFFY: Gratitude. For getting in my way? SPIKE: Ge-getting in your way? I saved you. BUFFY: I was regrouping. SPIKE: You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help. BUFFY: I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike. She turns and starts to walk off. SPIKE: Oh, I get it. (follows) You just don't like who did the rescuin', that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-face. Oh wait, he's run off. BUFFY: You know what? I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason. SPIKE: Don't need or can't keep? (She stops walking to glare at him) You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they? BUFFY: (deeply annoyed) You're disgusting. SPIKE: Oh, rough talk. (They resume walking) Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe ... your beauty's fading. (They stop again) The stress of slaying, aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm. Spike grins and makes a gesture with his hand as if trying to hold up sagging breasts. BUFFY: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't. SPIKE: Or maybe you just don't hold their interest. He walks off, leaving Buffy looking stung. Cut to: interior hospital. Ben comes around a corner, wearing scrubs but putting on his jacket. Jinx comes out of a doorway and grabs him. JINX: Begging permission to speak with you, sir. He pulls Ben into an empty room. BEN: Don't touch me, you're crusty. What do you want? JINX: Oh, not me, the magnificent Glory. She wants. She wants more information on the Slayer, she ... knows you know her. BEN: The Slayer? I don't know any Slayer. Get away from me, you shouldn't be here. JINX: Oh, I believe you do, sir. She's short, symmetrical, hair on top? Buffy something. BEN: Buffy Summers is the Slayer? JINX: That's the one! Very clever of you, sir. BEN: The Slayer. How does Glory know this? JINX: I do not know, I was not there. But the beauteous Glory said for you to tell us please, where her dwelling is ... who her friends are... BEN: Why? So Glory can find her, do something to her? Why would I do that? JINX: I don't know, sir, she just said to tell you to do it. For her. That was her message. BEN: Well, I've got a message for Glory too. Cut to: interior magic shop. Giles is walking out of the back room, along with the other Watchers. GILES: We've been developing sort of a, a hybrid fighting style ... let me outline her progress for you and I-I think you'll see that your review isn't strictly needed. Buffy enters, sees the Watchers and tries to back out. BUFFY: (muttering) Bad day. Bad, baaad... TRAVERS: Miss Summers ... (Buffy stops backing away) good to see you again. Buffy enters reluctantly, closes the door behind her. BUFFY: Mr. Travers. TRAVERS: Giles has just been telling us of your training regimen. Perhaps you'll favor us with a demonstration while we're here. BUFFY: Right now? TRAVERS: No need to rush you. GILES: (ruefully) They're ... staying a little longer than I'd anticipated. TRAVERS: We've already laid out our project for Mr. Giles. Nigel? The Watchers and Buffy move toward one side of the room while Giles stays leaning against the counter. NIGEL: It's an exhaustive examination of your procedures and abilities. We'll observe your training, talk to your friends... BUFFY: Talk to my friends? TRAVERS: Yes, we understand you're still taking civilians out on patrols. BUFFY: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. TRAVERS: Buffy ... I can sense your resistance, and I don't blame you. But I think your Watcher hasn't reminded you lately of the resolute status of the players in our little game. The Council fights evil. The Slayer is the instrument by which we fight. The Council remains, the Slayers change. It's been that way from the beginning, GILES: (scornfully) Well, that's a very comforting, bloodless way of looking at it, isn't it? TRAVERS: Giles, let me talk to Buffy, because I think she's understanding me. (to Buffy) Glory is stronger than you. She's a more powerful instrument, if you will. We can help you. We have information that will help. Pass the review and we give it to you without reservation. Fail the review, either through incompetence, or by resisting our recommendations... GILES: (angrily, moves toward them) Resisting your recommendations? She fails if we don't do whatever you say! How much under your thumb do you think we are? TRAVERS: How much do you want our help? GILES: (pokes his finger angrily at Travers; the other Watchers restrain him) She's not your bloody instrument and you have no right to do any of this! BUFFY: Giles! Giles shakes off the other Watchers and moves away, frustrated. TRAVERS: I understand you think this is unfair. But there are factors which should motivate you to go along with the review. Now, I don't want to do this, but obviously we could shut this place down permanently. BUFFY: You can't do that. You don't have that kind of power. TRAVERS: Of course we do, and a great deal more. In fact, if you insist on fighting us, we'll arrange to have Mr. Giles deported within the day. Never set foot in this country again. Now perhaps you're used to idle threats and sloppy discipline, Miss Summers, but you're dealing with grownups now. (pause) Am I making myself clear? Buffy looks angrily from Travers to Giles (who doesn't look at her) and then back. She glares at Travers. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Glory's apartment. Jinx enters, holding his head down to hide his face. GLORY: Jinx... hey, what's the deal with your face? Jinx lifts his head to reveal his face bruised and bloody. We see Glory standing in front of a vanity with a towel wrapped around her. JINX: It's a message from Ben. He ... isn't going to help. GLORY: (pouring oil into her hand) Isn't go... (bemused) isn't going to help? JINX: No. GLORY: All he has to do is turn over that tiny squirming Slayer girl! (rubbing oil on her arms) I have business to do with her. If she knows where I can start looking for my key... aah! She grabs her head in frustration. Jinx watches. Glory calms down and begins walking toward him. GLORY: Why won't he help? He knows her. He could go to her ... he could talk to her ... (irritated) he could seduce her and bang the key out of her! JINX: He is quite attractive. GLORY: Well, of course he's attractive! (pouty) But he drives me insane. Know what I mean? JINX: He drives you insane? GLORY: Yeah! That's it exactly! (puts her head on Jinx's chest) Oh. Sweet lumpy minion. You're the only one that understands. (thoughtfully) Probably cause I haven't sucked your brain out yet. (Jinx cringes) He makes me so mad... if I could just ... get my hands on him... She curves her fingers into claws and gestures as if she's about to grab Jinx's head. He cringes in fear. GLORY: (drops her hands) You know? (Walks away. Jinx sighs in relief) I'll just find her myself. Cut to magic shop. Buffy and Giles are alone. Buffy sits at the round table; Giles paces. GILES: It's a power play, that's what it is. It's about who has the power. BUFFY: I'm guessing they do? Big power outage in Buffy county? GILES: I should have set you loose on them, that's what I should have done. BUFFY: Giles, that Travers guy is like sixty. I can't hit him. (looks up) Can I? GILES: I suppose not. Well, I could. I think I will. BUFFY: Can they really do the stuff they threatened? Kick you out the country? GILES: In a heartbeat. (Takes off his glasses, takes out a handkerchief and begins cleaning his glasses) See, the rough stuff, they're all right out there, a bit ham-handed, but they get it done, but, uh ... this stuff, the, uh, bureaucracy, the pulling of political strings, they're the best in the world. They can kill you with the stroke of a pen. Poncy sods. There's a crunching noise as Giles's glasses break in his hands from too vigorous a cleaning. One of the lenses has popped out of the frame. Giles looks down at them. BUFFY: (softly) Am I gonna be able to get through this review? GILES: Well, I... (comes over and sits next to her) I suppose they'll make it as difficult as they want to. The physical stuff could be a bit of a challenge. (Puts on his glasses, immediately takes them off again) BUFFY: That's not what I'm worried about. It's the other stuff. Examining decisions I've made. I mean, twice now I've been within slaying distance of Glory, and twice she's kicked my ass without even tensing a muscle. And I haven't been able to figure out ... what she is, or anything about her except that she wants the key, which I have, and I can't even figure out if it's okay for me to tell anyone that. GILES: Buffy, no one could have done any better than you. BUFFY: But no one else is gonna be asked the questions that I can't answer. (getting agitated) They're gonna expect me to ... to be like a Slayer and, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything, and they're gonna go away, and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory, and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn. GILES: Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong, it's the way they're behaving. Holding what they know hostage with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card, no less. (sighs) It's humiliating. BUFFY: Also smart. They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you. GILES: (softly) Thank you. BUFFY: (sighs) I guess I should be getting ready. What do you think it'll be like, I mean, how do you think they'll start? Cut to: Anya sitting next to Xander in Xander's apartment. ANYA: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now. We see Philip sitting across the table from them, and Watcher #4 standing in the background. PHILIP: (taking notes) So, you spell it A-N-Y-A, yes? ANYA: Yes. PHILIP: Fine, now we can get to the questions. Cut to: Willow and Tara's room. Willow and Tara sit on the bed side-by-side. Nigel stands before them with a notebook. WILLOW: Questions, great. TARA: Well, we can answer questions. NIGEL: Good. I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me. TARA: O-o-our relationship? WILLOW: We're friends. TARA: Good friends. WILLOW: Girlfriends, actually. TARA: Yes, we're girlfriends. WILLOW: We're in love. We're ... lovers. (puts hand on Tara's knee) We're lesbian, gay-type lovers. NIGEL: I meant your relationship with the Slayer. Both girls look embarrassed. Willow removes her hand from Tara's knee. TARA: Um, just good friends. Cut back to Xander/Anya interrogation. XANDER: *Best* friends. Willow and me and Buffy. The three of us have been together from the beginning. We've always gone on patrols, and uh, done demon research with her and everything. PHILIP: Have you mastered any fighting disciplines over the years? XANDER: No. PHILIP: So, you have no special skills, or powers, or knowledge that you bring to the mix. Neither of you. ANYA: Just enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons. XANDER: I don't have any powers, but I do help. PHILIP: How? Be specific. XANDER: Last year, uh, Willow, Giles and me combined our essences with Buffy, which isn't as weird as it sounds. (laughs nervously) We merged, and I was the heart part of a super-Buffy. Again, let me stress the not-as-weird thing. ANYA: I'm told it was all very professional. NIGEL VOICEOVER: Are you saying that the Slayer needs that level of help from you often? Cut back to Willow/Tara interrogation. WILLOW: No, no, she doesn't need help. TARA: She'd be fine without us. Sometimes she goes off and does stuff without even telling us. WILLOW: Not that she's like a, a weird loner or anything. TARA: I'm not sure we're saying this right. WILLOW: See, here's the thing. We, we can help because we do magicks. I'm working on this ball of sunshine thing. See, I have this theory. TARA: It's very cool. WILLOW: A-and if it works, easier slaying for Buffy. Not that it's hard for her now! NIGEL: Interesting. What level are you at? TARA: Level? NIGEL: Magical proficiency level? WILLOW: Oh! Uh, high, a high level. Very high. One of those ... top levels. TARA: Five! Nigel writes this down as Willow and Tara give each other anxious looks. Willow mouths, "five?" and Tara shrugs. NIGEL: And you're registered as practicing witches under the names as you gave them to me? TARA: R-registered? WILLOW: Oh yes! Yes, of course we're- TARA: ...r-r-registered. (nodding) Cut back to Xander/Anya interrogation. PHILIP: Do either of you know anything about the key? ANYA: Nope, but it sounds demony to me. I don't hold with that demon nonsense. (picks up a basket of muffins and holds it toward Philip) Muffin? I cooked them myself. PHILIP: (gestures to indicate "no thanks") So, Buffy sometimes protects you from the dangerous elements of her work. XANDER: Yes. She's saved my life lots of times. The vampires in this town hate her. Cut to: Spike's crypt. Spike staring at someone. WATCHER #2: (OS) But we understand that you *help* the Slayer. We see that Spike is being interrogated by Watcher #2 while the other two nameless male Watchers stand between her and Spike. One of the men holds a cross, the other a crossbow. SPIKE: I pitch in when she pays me. WATCHER2: She pays you? She gives you money? SPIKE: Money, a little nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever. WATCHER2: Blood? SPIKE: Well, if they're gonna die anyway. (considers) Come to think of it, though, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping. WATCHER2: You've noticed a decline in her work? SPIKE: Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments, she'll be cryin' on my shoulder, mark my words. WATCHER2: (frowns) Is that what you want? I'd think you'd want to kill her. You've killed Slayers before. SPIKE: (intrigued) Heard of me, have you? He walks a little closer. The two male Watchers shift nervously and hold up their weapons. WATCHER2: (embarrassed smile) I ... wrote my thesis on you. SPIKE: (grins) Well, well. Isn't that neat. (stops smiling) Tell me, pet, now we're such good friends, how's the Slayer doing? Is she okay? High marks in all categories? TRAVERS VOICEOVER: Agility, clarity, stamina and strength- Cut to the workout room in the back of the magic shop. Nigel is tying a blindfold around Buffy's head. Giles and the other Watchers are standing around. TRAVERS: ...these are the qualities that the Slayer must possess to do her job. BUFFY: What came after agility? GILES: If you want her to attack the dummy- TRAVERS: No, no. Philip will attack the dummy. (We see Philip standing next to the dummy, wearing a karate robe) The Slayer's job is to protect it. Do you understand? BUFFY: Protect the dummy. TRAVERS: As if it were precious. Now, getting the best of Philip will require agility. Listening to my instructions at the same time, that will demonstrate clarity. And stamina and strength will win the long fight. Good luck. BUFFY: Instructions? TRAVERS: Yeah, I'll be telling you what to do, how to counter Philip's attack. We assume you're familiar with the Japanese names for aikido and jiu-jitsu moves. BUFFY: Japanese? WATCHER2: (clicking a stopwatch) And, go! BUFFY: Whoa, hold on a second. We uh, you know in America, we usually just work our way up to "go." Philip bows toward Buffy. He's holding a short axe. TRAVERS: (speaks Japanese) BUFFY: Huh? GILES: He wants you to bow. Take a bow. BUFFY: Oh. (bows) Philip circles around her. Buffy follows his movements. He thrusts at the dummy and Buffy blocks. Then she kicks at him and misses. She spins around and blocks his overhead punch. TRAVERS: (Japanese) Philip punches Buffy in the face. GILES: Punch him. BUFFY: Thanks, Giles. GILES: Sorry. TRAVERS: (Japanese) GILES: Uh...back kick, elbow- Buffy back-kicks and Philip moves out of the way. She thrusts with her elbow and he avoids it. GILES: ...elbow...strike. TRAVERS: How have you been training her? GILES: I've trained her to win. Buffy looks annoyed. BUFFY: You know what? I'm gonna have to do it my way, guys. Philip swings the weapon and she ducks. He lifts it for an overhead blow and Buffy grabs the handle, kicks him in the stomach, forces him back against the training horse and elbows him in the face. He tumbles backward over the horse, losing his grip on the weapon. The momentum pulls it out of Buffy's hands and it flies backward to land in the dummy's chest, knocking the dummy backward into Nigel. He falls to the floor with the dummy on top of him. Buffy turns around, pulling the blindfold off. Watcher #2 kneels by Nigel and clicks the stopwatch. BUFFY: Uh-oh. The others help Philip up. PHILIP: I think she just broke my rib. TRAVERS: Yes, well. BUFFY: I didn't mean to. Um, you know, I, I can do better. I think I might be getting this, like, inner ear thing, and so maybe, maybe if I got a note, I, I could try again. TRAVERS: No, that's all right, I don't think we need to see any more physical tests for a while. We can move on to the real review. Look into your strategies, plans ... figure out what's going on in that head. BUFFY: (unhappily) Good. Head stuff. TRAVERS: We start at seven tonight. Give you time to, uh ... (looks from Buffy to Giles) well, however you prepare. The Watchers leave. Buffy and Giles look glum. Cut to: Buffy entering the Summers home. BUFFY: (puts down her bag, calling) Mom? She walks toward the living room. As she rounds the corner, she comes face-to-face with Glory. GLORY: Long day, sweetie? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on Buffy looking apprehensively at Glory as Glory checks out the living room. GLORY: So ... this is where the Slayer eats, sleeps, and (runs her finger through the dust on a side table) ...combs her hair? Oh... (picks up a photo) so cute. (Holds it up for Buffy to see, then puts it down) I can't even stand it. Personally? I need more space, but uh, this is good for you, it's, it's so quaint, and... As Glory is speaking with her back to Buffy, Buffy moves across the room to the fireplace and picks up a poker. When she straightens up, Glory is right behind her. GLORY: Buffy... (takes the poker) If I wanted to fight, you could tell by the being dead already. (goes to sit in an armchair, giggles) So play nice, little girl. BUFFY: What do you want? GLORY: The key. Why else do you think I'd come here? See, (points poker at Buffy) I think you knew where it is. And that's a good thing. BUFFY: I'm glad you think so. GLORY: Well, it's the only thing keeping you alive right now. Because you may be tiny queen in vampire world... Dawn enters behind Glory. Buffy looks at Dawn in alarm, tries not to let Glory see her looking. GLORY: ...but to me, you're a bug. You should get down on your knees and worship me! Dawn walks closer. Buffy widens her eyes to signal Dawn to go away. GLORY: But oh, no, you still think it's neat having Slayer strength. (Dawn mouths "What?" at Buffy) Ooh, big deal! Stronger than humans! (Dawn begins to back away) Who isn't? I could crush the life from you as easy as you'd break a nail. But I need the key. Dawn has reached the stairs. She begins to turn away. GLORY: Kid! Dawn stops. Buffy looks alarmed. GLORY: Come here a sec. BUFFY: Leave her out of this. GLORY: Not asking twice. Dawn approaches, still behind Glory and out of her line of sight. BUFFY: This is between you and me. GLORY: No. This is between me and my key. You just happen to be the thing in the way. Glory lifts her hand over her head and snaps her fingers. Dawn walks into her view, folds her arms over her chest sullenly. GLORY: And you are just the darlin'-est thing I ever did see in my life. What's your name, honey? DAWN: Dawn. GLORY: Dawn? Did you know your sister took my key, Dawnie? And she won't give it back! I bet you know where she put it, don't you? BUFFY: She doesn't know anything. DAWN: (looks at Buffy, annoyed) I know some stuff. GLORY: I bet she takes your stuff all the time without asking, doesn't she? Where's my key, Dawn? BUFFY: Go upstairs, Dawn. DAWN: (angrily, to Buffy) You're always talking about stuff I'm not supposed to hear. (Glory looks interested) I'm gonna figure it out, you know. Dawn leaves. GLORY: (grins) Ooh, I like her. She's sassy. (pauses, gets serious) And I'll kill her. I'll kill your mom, I'll kill your friends ... and I'll make you watch when I do. (sighs) Just give me the key. You either have it or you know where to find it. (stands up) Obviously, this is a one-time-only deal. Next time we meet, something you love dies bloody. You know you can't take me. You know you can't stop me. She drops the poker on the floor and leaves. Buffy watches her go with a grim expression. Joyce enters. JOYCE: Buffy, who was that? BUFFY: Pack a bag. Cut to Spike asleep in his crypt. A ray of sunshine falls on his face as the door opens. He screams and jumps up to find Buffy standing beside his "bed." SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there I was worried. He starts to rub his eyes sleepily, pauses and looks over at the other end of the crypt. Shot of Dawn and Joyce standing by the door. SPIKE: (surprised) So, what's with the family outing? BUFFY: (quietly, walking up close to him) I need your help. SPIKE: Great. I need your cash. BUFFY: I'm serious. (even more quietly) You have to look after them. SPIKE: Well, that's a boatload of manly responsibility to come flying out of nowhere. What's the matter, Slayer? You're not feeling a hundred percent? BUFFY: (frowns) No. SPIKE: (frowns) They didn't put a chip in your head, did they? BUFFY: No! SPIKE: Be funny if they did. BUFFY: (annoyed) Spike, I need an answer. Now. In or out? (quietly) You're the only one strong enough to protect them. SPIKE: (looks at her for a moment) All right then. (calls to Joyce and Dawn) Ladies... (walks toward them; Buffy follows) Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge. DAWN: Do you mean like, real blood? SPIKE: What do you think? DAWN: Mostly I think "ew." BUFFY: (to Joyce) Keep Dawn here as long as you can. I'll be back soon. JOYCE: Okay. BUFFY: (walks over to Spike) I don't think I need to remind you, but- SPIKE: Yeah, yeah, "anything happens to 'em I'll stake you good and proper." Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale. Buffy leaves. Spike, Dawn, and Joyce stand around looking uncomfortable. JOYCE: I, I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place. SPIKE: Just don't break anything. (goes to turn on the TV) And don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on. JOYCE: (comes forward) Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead? SPIKE: Oh! (gestures to his armchair. He and Joyce each sit on one arm) No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake. JOYCE: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that. Dawn makes an exasperated face, walks off. Cut to magic shop, night. The Watchers are walking around, looking at books, moving stuff around. Giles sits in a chair by the table. Anya, Xander, Willow, and Tara sit on the balcony above, looking down. Their feet dangle in the air and they lean against the railing watching the Watchers. XANDER: Look at them. Big tough Council members pickin' on the books. WILLOW: Fascists. TARA: Why doesn't Mr. Giles put them all out of here? XANDER: Because if they deport him, they're not just destroying his career, they're ... condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers, and mash. Cut to below. Travers walks over to where Giles is sitting. TRAVERS: Well, your Slayer's twenty minutes late and counting, Rupert. GILES: Buffy will be here, I assure you. TRAVERS: (chuckles) Yes, but when? Cut to: Buffy walking through a dark alley. She looks at her watch. BUFFY: Crap. She walks faster. Suddenly someone appears from behind a trash can and grabs her around the waist, pulling her down to the ground. They both get up. It's a person in medieval armor with chain-mail covering his face. He backhands Buffy, she spins around and flies into a pile of garbage. As she straightens up, two more knights appear. The first one has a sword, the other two have metal staves. They circle around Buffy, twirling their weapons. BUFFY: Uh ... guys? A-any way we could ... not do this? Overhead shot of the three knights circling her. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on the same scene. The knight with the sword swings. Buffy ducks. She spins and punches him, ducks a staff thrust, kicks the other staff, ducks again, kicks the first staff-holder in the stomach. Ducks another swing, kicks the second staff guy twice. Ducks a swing from sword guy, blocks a punch, punches him in the face while holding his sword arm. Kicks him back, grabs the staff of another and pushes him away. Deflects the other staff holder. Then she does two back-flips that carry her over the two staves, grabs one staff and thrusts it into that knight's stomach, deflects a sword thrust with it, kicks the sword guy in the stomach. Jabs the staff into disarmed knight's stomach again, ducks a thrust from the other staff, kicks that knight so he goes spinning away. Buffy and the disarmed knight grapple for his staff, finally she hits him in the face with it. He goes down. She drops her staff and blocks an overhand sword thrust, punches the sword holder and he goes down. Buffy kicks the other staff holder away, picks up the staff again and faces off with the sword holder. Buffy knocks the sword out of the knight's hand and pushes him to the ground, jumping on top of him and holding the staff to his throat. BUFFY: Okay. Let's see what you are. She removes the chain-mail mask to reveal an ordinary-looking human man with a symbol on his forehead. BUFFY: Or who you are. KNIGHT: One soldier in a vast army. BUFFY: What army? KNIGHT: The Knights of Byzantium, an ancient order. And now your enemy. BUFFY: (pushes the staff harder into his throat) You work for Glory? KNIGHT: You think we align ourselves with the beast? You must be mad. BUFFY: You're the ones tried killing me. KNIGHT: No, we were fools, three alone. But if it takes a hundred men, we send a hundred men, and if it takes a thousand, we send a thousand. BUFFY: A thousand? KNIGHT: So long as you protect the key, the brotherhood will never stop until we destroy it and you. You are the Slayer, and we know what we must do. Now, be done with it. Kill us, and let legions follow. Buffy shoves the staff into his throat again, then tosses it aside, gets up and picks up the sword. The knight gets to his feet, and she puts the sword to his throat. He turns his head away waiting for the kill stroke. BUFFY: Go. The knight looks surprised, edges around her and leaves. Buffy stares at the sword. Cut to: Buffy entering the magic shop, still holding the sword. Pan across all the Watchers standing there, the four Slayerettes still sitting on the upper level, and Travers sitting at the table with a pile of papers spread out in front of him. Giles sits on the stairs leading up to the balcony. TRAVERS: You're late. BUFFY: Yeah. GILES: (sees the sword, gets up) Was, was there an attack? BUFFY: Yeah. TRAVERS: We can begin the review at last. We'll, uh, skip the more obvious questions... Buffy puts the sword down on his papers. BUFFY: There isn't gonna be a review. TRAVERS: Sorry? BUFFY: No review. No interrogation. No questions you *know* I can't answer. No hoops, no jumps - (Nigel starts to speak) and no interruptions. Nigel shuts up. Buffy looks around, begins to pace. BUFFY: See ... I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. (looks Travers in the eye) Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Buffy moves back to the table, removing her coat. BUFFY: Glory ... came to my home today. GILES: (alarmed) Buffy, are you- BUFFY: (puts her coat on a chair) Just to talk. (resumes pacing) She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. (stops, looks at Travers again) Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? (pauses) Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. Buffy looks around, hands on her hips. She walks the floor, looking from one Watcher to the next as she talks. BUFFY: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning. NIGEL: This is beyond insolence- Buffy grabs the sword from the table and throws it across the room in a single movement. It flies point-first into the wall directly in front of Nigel's nose. He jumps back looking shocked. BUFFY: (clears throat) I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions. XANDER: (whispers) That was excellent! Willow and Tara grin. BUFFY: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." (Pauses, addresses Travers again) So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. (resumes pacing) You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary... GILES: (coughing) Retroactive. BUFFY: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends... WATCHER2: I, uh, I ... don't want a sword thrown at me, but, but, civilians, I - we're talking about children. BUFFY: (looks up at her friends on the balcony) We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon. ANYA: Willow's a demon?! PHILIP: The boy? No power there. BUFFY: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit. WILLOW: (whispers to Xander) That's Riley-speak. XANDER: (whispers back, with a big grin) I've clocked field time. BUFFY: Now. (addresses the Watchers) You all may be very good at your jobs. The only way we're gonna find out is if you work with me. You can all take your time thinking about that. (turns back to Travers) But I want an answer right now from Quinton, 'cause I think he's understanding me. TRAVERS: (clears throat) Uh, your terms are acceptable. Giles smiles hugely. The Slayerettes burst into cheers and applause, but quickly stop, looking embarrassed. Buffy looks up at them, looks at Giles. She doesn't smile, but looks satisfied. She sits across from Travers. BUFFY: See? No biggie. TRAVERS: (nods) Uh, Rupert. GILES: Quinton? TRAVERS: When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single malt scotch behind the, uh, incense holders. GILES: Well, it's, it's not, you know, during working hours. TRAVERS: I think I could use a glass. GILES: Well, I suppose we could- (starts to move away) BUFFY: (gets up) Just a minute. (Giles stops) Glory. I wanna know. TRAVERS: Well, there's a lot to go through. BUFFY: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting. TRAVERS: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon. BUFFY: What is she? TRAVERS: She's a god. BUFFY: (long pause, eyes widen) Oh. Blackout. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.
Plan: A: The Watcher's Council; Q: Who withholds information about Glory from Buffy? A: Glory; Q: Who is a god? A: a series; Q: How many tests does the Watcher's Council make Buffy go through? A: the Knights of Byzantium target Buffy; Q: What does Glory do to Buffy? A: power; Q: What does Buffy realize she has over the Knights of Byzantium? A: Quentin; Q: Who does Buffy order to give her the scoop on Glory? A: a demon; Q: What is Glory not? Summary: The Watcher's Council withholds information about Glory from Buffy and make her go through a series of tests. Glory and the Knights of Byzantium target Buffy, and she realizes it's because she has power over them. She orders Quentin to give her the scoop on Glory, and it turns out she's not a demon - she's a god.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching. Somebody's having date night. Amy: It's actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon's looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings. Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I'm just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon. Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table? Sheldon: If you do that, I'll scream. Amy: Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you. Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one. Amy: I've been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn't that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool. Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he's terrible at it, I always win. Amy: So, you're okay with this? Sheldon: Well, why wouldn't I be? Amy: Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there's the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats. Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university? Amy: Sheldon, don't defecate where you eat means don't have a romantic relationship in the workplace. Sheldon: Really? Amy: Yes. Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That's why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm. Amy: I'm relieved that you don't have a problem with us working together. Sheldon: Not as relieved as I'm about to be. It's a brave new world, little lady. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Howard: Are you crazy? You don't want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam. Sheldon: Why not? Hairy Fairy. Raj: I think it could be romantic. You know, my parents met at his place of work. Leonard: Your father's a gynaecologist. Raj: I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops. Howard: Would you please tell him this isn't a good idea? Leonard: No, no, I think it'll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby. Sheldon: That's a Raging Ogre. Leonard: Yeah, I know. Howard: I'm just saying, I'd never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you're supposed to hang out with them after work, too? Raj: Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together. Howard: Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear. Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won't be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we'll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota. Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that. Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on Amy's face when she hears my top-notch idea? Leonard: Please, oh, please, just let me be there. Scene: Penny's apartment. Bernadette: So, Amy, what are you gonna be working on at Caltech? Amy: I'm leading a study to see if deficiency of the monoamine oxidase enzyme leads to paralyzing fear in monkeys. Bernadette: If they're anything like humans, the answer's yes. Amy: Wait, you've, you've done this experiment on humans? Bernadette: You mean like death row inmates with nothing to lose? No, that would be unethical. Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim. That's right, my phone is just as smart as you guys. Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. Bernadette: He's never gonna stop doing that, is he? Amy: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday. Sheldon: Hi. Um, I've reconsidered. Uh, you can't work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Amy: Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque. Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good. Penny: Sheldon, I don't understand. I thought you said you were fine with it. Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other. Bernadette: He said what? Sheldon: Now, don't be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. Bernadette: Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband. Sheldon: Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here? Amy: No, we're not good here. I am working on this project. Penny: Yeah, and you can't tell her what she can and cannot do. Sheldon: Last week, you told Leonard he couldn't wear his Wookie jacket out in public. Penny: That's different. I'm not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear. Amy: Sheldon, you don't have to worry about me bothering you. I'll be in a different building. And we don't even have to have lunch together. Sheldon: Really? Amy: Yes. Before all things, I'm a scientist. I'm just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys. Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won't be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself? Amy: More and more sure. Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission. Amy: I didn't ask for your permission. Sheldon: Too late. No backsies. Howard: No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there'd be too much of me for you, not the other way around. Sheldon: Howard, if you're going to lie to your wife, don't start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That's a dead giveaway. Bernadette: Well? Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it's true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we'd get sick of each other. Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you. Howard: For the love of God, why? Bernadette: What exactly do you think you'd get sick of? Raj: His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one. Howard: It's nothing in particular. I... Bernadette: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy? What? Howard: My arm is feeling numb. Leonard: Nailed it. Bernadette: That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, doofus. Howard: My point is, I'm sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long. Bernadette: Like looking me in the eye and lying to me? Howard: Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you? Bernadette: Find somewhere else to sleep tonight. Howard: Bernie... Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good. Scene: The cafeteria. Leonard: So, boys, how was the pyjama party? You guys jump on the bed and sing into hair brushes? Raj: It wasn't a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride. Howard: Please, stop talking. Raj: As you wish. Howard: I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would've happened if I hadn't tried to help you. Sheldon: Uh, it also wouldn't have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn. Amy: Gentlemen. Raj: Amy. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: That was kind of icy. You two okay? Sheldon: Oh, we're fine. As Howard advised, she's merely respecting our professional boundaries. Leonard: Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj's hair. Sheldon: Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don't worry, little moth. The flame will come to you. Raj: Oh, uh, on the off chance that Bernadette doesn't call back and apologize, how do you feel about Mexican food for dinner tonight? Howard: I don't know. Sounds kind of heavy. Raj: That's 'cause you always fill up on chips. Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm. Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson? Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper? Sheldon: Oh, please, I'm your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That's right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool. Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon: It's a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here's a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh? Scene: Amy's lab. Amy: Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let's kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we're talking. Sheldon: Dr. Fowler? Amy: What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: Well, I'm done with work, so... ugh! Amy: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better? Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing? Amy: Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli. Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I'm done with work and Leonard's not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I'll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night. Amy: I can't leave now, Sheldon. I'm very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor. Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour. Amy: You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup. Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you? Amy: You know what? I don't have time for this. Find another way home. Sheldon: I'm starting to get the sense that you're angry with me. Amy: Really? What tipped you off? Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language... Amy: Get out. Sheldon: Well, now, that. Amy: Image number six, woman giving birth. Sheldon: Bleugh! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Leonard: It's nine o'clock, where you been? Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop. Penny: Oh, no. Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka? Leonard: I did not. Sheldon: Well, I do now. They're a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you're hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk. Penny: Why'd you get that? You hate lamb. Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem. Leonard: I thought Amy was gonna drive you home. Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she's acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law's witch doctor practice. Penny: Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy? Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her? Penny: Yeah. Sheldon: But you didn't even hear the details. Leonard: Sheldon, I've known you a long time, and I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy's right. You're wrong. Sheldon: But you don't even know... Leonard: Doesn't matter. Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence... Leonard: Doesn't matter. Sheldon: You're not listening to my side of it. Penny: Okay, fine, Sheldon. What is your side? Sheldon: Well... Penny: Nope, got to go with Amy on this one. Scene: Raj's apartment. Howard: Ooh, shrimp was spicy. Raj: You want a TUMS? Howard: You got the tropical fruit kind? Raj: No, if I buy those, I just go through them like candy. Howard: Tell me about it. One time, I swear I pooped out a stick of chalk. (Knock on door) I'll get it. Raj: Thanks. Bernadette: Hi. Howard: Oh, hi. Bernadette: I may have overreacted. Howard: Yeah, well, I didn't handle it so great, either. Bernadette: It's just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me. Howard: That's not true. Bernadette: It's not? You spend all day together at work, and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week, you two got a couples massage. So, when you said you wouldn't want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings. Howard: Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I get that. I'm so sorry. Starting tomorrow, I am turning over a new leaf. Time with you is my number one priority. Bernadette: Why tomorrow? Howard: Well, we're real close to finishing off the new Batman game. Raj: It is awesome. Uh, you should probably go after her. Howard: Should I go after you? Bernadette (off): No! Howard: Thanks for getting me in trouble. Scene: Amy's apartment. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late? Sheldon: I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk? Amy: No. Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away. Amy: What do you want? Sheldon: Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo. Amy: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo. Sheldon: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour. Amy: What's your point? Sheldon: My point is, we're a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all. Amy: I like you, too. Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that's the kind of thing that makes people think you're weird. Poor kid. She just doesn't see it. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar. Bernadette: I'm not apologizing to Howard. He can come beg me on his knees. Amy: Sheldon, too. If I see him at work, I'm just going to ignore him. Penny: All right, don't worry. I talked to Leonard. He is gonna sit the guys down and set them straight. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Laser's warmed up. Howard: Pull. All: Yeah!
Plan: A: Caltech; Q: Where is Amy going to be working on an experiment? A: Howard; Q: Who says he would not want to work with Bernadette? A: Bernadette; Q: Who confronts Howard after Sheldon mentions his comments? A: night; Q: What time of day does Howard say he would not want to be with Bernadette? A: his approval; Q: What did Sheldon withdraw when Amy told him about Howard's comments? A: the job; Q: What does Amy decide to take despite Howard's comments? A: even madder; Q: How does Amy feel about Sheldon after he embarrasses her at lunch? A: her colleagues; Q: Who does Amy feel Sheldon embarrasses her in front of? A: Penny; Q: Who assures Amy and Bernadette that Leonard will talk to them and set them straight? A: her apartment; Q: Where does Sheldon apologize to Amy? A: Raj; Q: Who does Howard go to stay with after Bernadette confronts him about his comments? A: Raj's place; Q: Where does Howard go after Bernadette confronts him? A: their video game; Q: What does Howard promise to finish with Raj before spending more time with Bernadette? A: the Cheesecake Factory; Q: Where do Amy and Bernadette go to vent about their significant others? A: their significant others; Q: Who are Amy and Bernadette upset with? A: the guys; Q: Who plays skeet shooting with lasers and balloons in the apartment? A: the apartment; Q: Where do Leonard and Penny play skeet shooting with lasers and balloons? Summary: Amy tells Sheldon she will be working on an experiment at Caltech and asks Sheldon how he feels about it - no problem for Sheldon until Howard explains he would not want to work with Bernadette and be with her day and night. Sheldon withdraws his approval, but Amy says she will still take the job. The next day, Amy is even madder at Sheldon when he embarrasses her at lunch in front of her colleagues. At home, Penny and Leonard explain to him that Amy is right, so he goes to her apartment and apologizes, but re-offends her by saying she can be difficult to put up with. Sheldon mentions Howard's comments to Bernadette, who then confronts Howard and gets mad after he tries to deny his statements, forcing Howard to stay at Raj's place. Bernadette later comes over to apologize. Howard promises to spend more time with her, but only after he and Raj finish their video game, once again enraging Bernadette. At the Cheesecake Factory, both Amy and Bernadette are upset with their significant others. Penny assures them that Leonard will talk to them and set them straight; instead, the guys play skeet shooting with lasers and balloons in the apartment.
RECAP OF SERIES 6 LONDON 5:02 PM, 22nd APRIL, 2011 EXT. LONDON, DAY This is a very different London; a steampunk London. The buildings are the same, but instead of the Underground, there are elevated steam rails. Cars get about attached to hot air balloons with propellers. MAN ON RADIO: And it's another beautiful day in London. There are reports of sunspot activity and solar flares causing interference across all radio signals so apologies for that. EXT. LONDON, HYDE PARK, DAY Children are laughing and playing as adults read the paper. One girl is given a sandwich by her mother. Above them, pterodactyls fly, shrieking. GIRL: Guys, look! (points at pterodactyls) The pterodactyls swoop down towards the people who run for cover. They pass a sign that reads "Pterodactyls are Vermin. Do Not Feed." EXT. LONDON STREET, DAY A Roman chariot waits for the light to turn green. A newspaper vendor is selling the Londinum Cotide. The headline reads "War of the Roses Enters Second Year". A TV in a shop window is playing a morning show interview with CHARLES DICKENS. MALE INTERVIEWER: So do you think you can top last year's Christmas Special? FEMALE INTERVIEWER: And can you tell us anything about it? DICKENS: Well, all I can say now is that it involves ghosts, and the past, the present and future, all at the same time... FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Oh, we love a ghost story. They all fake laugh. On a different channel, MERIDETH VIERA is announcing news headlines. VIERA: Crowds lined the Mall today as Holy Roman Emperor, Winston Churchill, returned to the Buckingham Senate on his personal mammoth... INT. SENATE, CHURCHILL'S OFFICE, DAY CHURCHILL is at his desk being examined by his doctor, the Silurian MALOKEH. MALOKEH: Not too many late nights in Gaul, I hope. CHURCHILL: Just the one. I had an argument with Cleopatra. Dreadful woman. Excellent dancer. Two male slaves(?)in traditional Roman garb and fanning CHURCHILL with large feathers. MALOKEH: I can tell from your blood pressure. CHURCHILL: (looks at clock) What time do you have, doctor? MALOKEH: (checks pocket watch) Two minutes past five, Caesar. CHURCHILL: It's always two minutes past five. Day or night, it's always two minutes past five in the afternoon. Why is that? MALOKEH: Because that is the time, Caesar. CHURCHILL: And the date. Always the 22nd of April. Does it not bother you? MALOKEH: The date and the time have always been the same, Caesar. Why should it start bothering me now? CHURCHILL: I want to see the Soothsayer. Where is he? MALOKEH: In the tower. Where you threw him the last time. CHURCHILL: Get him! INT. SENATE, CORRIDOR, DAY Two Roman soldiers escort the soothsayer who was in chains. The soothsayer is also dressed in a tunic and sandals. INT. SENATE, CHURCHILL'S OFFICE, DAY The soldiers force the soothsayer to his knees in front of CHURCHILL'S desk. CHURCHILL: Leave us! The soldiers leave. The soothsayer keeps his head down. CHURCHILL: Tick tock goes the clock, as the old song says. But they don't, do they? The clocks never tick. Something has happened to time. That's what you say. What you never STOP saying. All of history is happening at once. But what does that mean? What happened? Explain to me in terms that I can understand. What happened to time? The soothsayer looks up and we see it is the DOCTOR. His hair is longer and he has a beard. DOCTOR: A woman. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvill "The Wedding of River Song" By Steven Moffat Producer Marcus Wilson Director Jeremy Webb [SCENE_BREAK] EARLIER... INT. SHIP We see a shadowy, out-of-focus figure approaching through a viewer that keeps cutting out with static. He is wearing the Stetson. DOCTOR: (V.O.) Imagine you were dying. Imagine you were afraid and a long way from home and in terrible pain. The figure comes closer and looks up. It is the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, you looked up... and saw the face of the devil himself. Hello, Dalek. The DALEK is on its side, small fires burning around it. DALEK: Emergency, emergency, weapon system disabled, emergency! Emergency! Emergency! The DOCTOR uses the sonic to remove the casing lid. DOCTOR: Hush now, I need some information from your data core. Everything the Daleks know about the Silence! The sonic opens the data core. EXT. THE DOCKS OF CALISTO B, NIGHT A hooded figure walks the dark alleyways. The DOCTOR watches from behind a building. INT. BAR The DOCTOR enters the bar and walks straight up to the bartender, a red-skinned alien behind a grate. DOCTOR: Gideon Vandaleur. Get him. Now. BARTENDER: Who says he's here? The DOCTOR puts the Dalek eyestalk down on the counter. The BARTENDER scurries off. The DOCTOR waits at a table, flipping through a copy of "Knitting for Girls". The hooded figure he had been watching sits down and lowers his hood. The man is wearing an eye patch. DOCTOR: Father Gideon Vandaleur. Former envoy of the Silence. My condolences. VANDALEUR: Your what? DOCTOR: Gideon Vandaleur has been dead for six months. The DOCTOR uses the sonic on VANDALEUR who winces. The DOCTOR then aims the sonic at VANDALEUR'S eye. Inside is a soldier. DOCTOR: Can I speak to the Captain, please? The soldier runs off. INT. TESELECTA, BRIDGE We see CARTER, the captain from the DOCTOR'S last meeting with the Teselecta. There are sparks flying from the DOCTOR'S use of the sonic on them. DOCTOR: (on monitor) Hello again! The Teselecta, time-travelling shape-changing robot, powered by miniaturised people. Never get bored of that! Long time since Berlin. CARTER: Doctor! What have you done to our systems? DOCTOR: (on monitor) They'll be fine, if you behave. Now this unit can disguise itself as anyone in the universe so if you're posing as Vandaleur, you're investigating the Silence... Tell me about them. CARTER: Tell you what? DOCTOR: (on monitor) One thing. Just one. Their weakest link. INT. LIVE CHESS ARENA The DOCTOR is sitting opposite a Viking with an eye patch. Between them is a table bearing a chess set. One of the pieces is charged with electricity. A crowd cheers them on from above. The Viking hesitates moving the charged piece. DOCTOR: The crowd are getting restless! They know the Queen is your only legal move. Except you've already moved it 12 times, which means there are now over four million volts running through it. The Viking looks up at the crowd who yell for him to make a move. DOCTOR: That's why they call it live chess. Even with the gauntlet you'll never make it to bishop four alive. VIKING: I am a dead man. Unless you concede the game. DOCTOR: But I'm winning. VIKING: Name your price. DOCTOR: Information. VIKING: I work for the Silence. They would kill me. DOCTOR: They're going to kill me too, very soon. I was just going to lie down and take it, but you know what? Before I go, I'd like to know why I have to die. VIKING: Dorium Maldovar is the only one who can help you. DOCTOR: Dorium's dead. The Monks beheaded him at Demons Run. VIKING: I know. Concede the game, Doctor... and I'll take you to him. The Doctor concedes and the crowd groans. INT. SEVENTH TRANSCEPT The VIKING leads the way through and underground tunnel, torch in his hand. The DOCTOR walks a step behind. There are skulls on every available surface. VIKING: The Seventh Transept. Where the Headless Monks keep the leftovers. Watch your step, there are traps everywhere. There is the sound of something scurrying across the floor. DOCTOR: Eww! I hate rats. VIKING: There are no rats in the transept. DOCTOR: Oh, good. VIKING: The skulls eat them. The skulls on the shelves turn to watch their progress. VIKING: The headless monks behead you alive, remember? The tunnel opens into a room. There are pedestals in the center with wood boxes resting on top. DOCTOR: Why are some of them in boxes? VIKING: Because some people are rich and some people are left to rot. Dorium Maldovar was always very rich. As the VIKING puts the torch into a sconce, the DOCTOR uses the sonic to scan a beautifully decorated box. After he hears the latch unlock, the DOCTOR slides the door open and peers at DORIUM'S head. DORIUM coughs. DOCTOR: Thank you for bringing me, Gantok. GANTOK: My pleasure. (aims a gun at the DOCTOR) It saves me the trouble of burying you. Nobody beats me at chess! The DOCTOR sees that GANTOK is about to step on a trap but the Viking steps on it before he can speak. GANTOK falls through the trapdoor in the floor with a scream. DOCTOR: (rushes over) Gantok! The DOCTOR looks down into the pit and sees GANTOK surrounded by skulls as they attack and he is subsumed. The skulls then turn and look up at the DOCTOR. Shocked, he pulls back and uses the sonic to close the trap. The door slamming shut wakes DORIUM. DORIUM: Hello? Is someone there? (the DOCTOR walks over) Ah, Doctor! Thank God it's you. The Monks, they turned on me. DOCTOR: Well...I'm afraid they rather did a bit. DORIUM: Give it to me straight, Doctor! How bad are my injuries? DOCTOR: Well... DORIUM: (laughs) Oh, your face! INT. SENATE, CHURCHILL'S OFFICE, DAY CHURCHILL: This is absurd! Other worlds, carnivorous skulls, talking heads. I don't know why I'm listening to you. The DOCTOR is now sitting at a table. DOCTOR: Because in another reality, you and I are friends. And you sense that. Just as you sense there is something wrong with time. CHURCHILL: You mentioned a woman... DOCTOR: Yes. I'm getting to her. CHURCHILL: What's she like? Attractive, I assume. DOCTOR: Hell. In high heels. CHURCHILL: Tell me more. INT. SEVENTH TRANSCEPT DORIUM: Oh, it's not so bad really, as long as they get your box the right way up. I got a media-chip fitted in my head years ago, and the wi-fi down here is excellent. So I keep myself entertained. DOCTOR: I need to know about the Silence. DORIUM: Oh. A religious order of great power and discretion. The sentinels of history, as they like to call themselves. DOCTOR: And they want me dead. DORIUM: No, not really. They just don't want you to remain alive. DOCTOR: That's OK. I was worried for a minute there. DORIUM: You're a man with a long and dangerous past. But your future is infinitely more terrifying. The Silence believe it must be averted. DOCTOR: You know you could've told me all this, the last time we met. DORIUM: It was a busy day and I got beheaded. DOCTOR: What's so dangerous about my future? DORIUM: On the fields of Trenzalore, at the fall of the Eleventh, when no living creature could speak falsely, or fail to answer, a question will be asked. A question that must never, ever be answered. The DOCTOR pulls out a small notebook and reads it. DOCTOR: Silence will fall when the question is asked... DORIUM: Silence MUST fall would be a better translation. The Silence are determined the question will never be answered. That the Doctor will NEVER reach Trenzalore. DOCTOR: I don't understand? What's it got to do with me? DORIUM: The first question. The oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight. Would you like to know what it is? DOCTOR: Yes! DORIUM: Are you sure? (the skulls turn) Very, very sure? DOCTOR: (swallows) Of course. DORIUM: Then I shall tell you. But on your own head be it. (laughs) INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR enters, carrying DORIUM'S box. DORIUM: (muffled) It's not my fault! Put me back. The DOCTOR puts the box down on the seat by the console before going to work the controls. DORIUM: (muffled) Ow! I've fallen on my nose. On the monitor, the DOCTOR pulls up the date and time of his death. DORIUM: (muffled) Have you got wi-fi here? I'm bored already and my nose is hurting! We all have to die, Doctor... But you more than most. You do see that, don't you? You know what the question is now, you do see that you have to die! INT. SENATE, SENATE ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR and CHURCHILL enter the large room. CHURCHILL: But what was the question? Why did it mean your death? DOCTOR: Suppose there was a man who knew a secret. A terrible, dangerous secret that must never be told. How would you erase that secret from the world? Destroy it forever, before it can be spoken? CHURCHILL: If I had to, I'd destroy the man. DOCTOR: And silence would fall. All the times I've heard those words, I never realised...it was my silence. My death. The Doctor will fall. (looks around) Why are we here? CHURCHILL: This?! This is the Senate Room. DOCTOR: But why did we leave your office? CHURCHILL: Well, we wanted a stroll, didn't we? (looks at revolver in his hand) DOCTOR: I think I've been running. Why do you have your revolver? CHURCHILL: Well... You're dangerous company, Soothsayer. The DOCTOR looks at his left arm and sees a black line. DOCTOR: Yes. I think I am. CHURCHILL: Resume your story. INT. TARDIS DORIUM: (muffled) Doctor, please open my hatch, I've got an awful headache... The DOCTOR makes an angry, frustrated motion towards the box, almost like he wants to pick it up and throw it across the room. DORIUM: (muffled) Which to be honest means more than it used to. The DOCTOR opens the box to reveal DORIUM upside-down. DORIUM: It's like some terrible weight pressing down on my...(opens eyes) Oh, I see! DOCTOR: Why Lake Silencio? Why Utah? DORIUM: It's a still point in time. Makes it easier to create a fixed point. And your death is a fixed point, Doctor. DOCTOR: Been running all my life. Why should I stop? DORIUM: You can't run away from this. Because now you know what's at stake. Why your life ends. DOCTOR: Not today. (dials the console phone) DORIUM: What's the point in delaying? How long have you delayed already? DOCTOR: Been knocking about. Bit of a farewell tour. Things to do, people to see, there's always more. I could invent a new colour, save the Dodo, join the Beatles! (into phone) Hello, it's me. Get him! Tell him, we're going out and it's all on me, except for the money and driving. (to DORIUM) I've got a time machine, Dorium... it's all still going on. For me, it never stops. Liz the First is waiting in a glade to elope with me. I could help Rose Tyler with her homework, I could go on all of Jack's stag parties in one night. DORIUM: Time catches up with us all! DOCTOR: Well, it has never laid a glove on me! (into phone) Hello? INT. NURSING HOME, DAY A NURSE is on the phone. NURSE: Doctor, I'm so sorry, we didn't know how to contact you. I'm afraid Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart passed away a few months ago. INT. TARDIS NURSE: (over phone) Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I... NURSE: (over phone) It was very peaceful. He talked a lot about you, if that's any comfort. Always made us pour an extra brandy in case you came round one of these days. DORIUM: Doctor? What's wrong? DOCTOR: Nothing. Nothing. It's just... The DOCTOR hangs up phone and sighs deeply. He then reaches into one of the pockets in his coat and pulls out the blue envelopes. DOCTOR: It's time. It's time. INT. BAR The DOCTOR puts the envelopes on the table in front of the Teselecta, still in the shape of VANDELEUR. VANDALEUR: Surely you could deliver the INT. TESELECTA, BRIDGE CARTER: messages yourself. INT. BAR DOCTOR: It would involve crossing my own time stream... best not. INT. TESELECTA, BRIDGE CARTER: According to our files, this is the end for you. INT. BAR VANDALEUR: Your final journey. INT. TESELECTA, BRIDGE CARTER: We'll deliver your messages. You can depend on us. DOCTOR: (on monitor) Thank you. INT. BAR The DOCTOR heads for the door and VANDELEUR stands. VANDALEUR: Doctor, whatever you think of the Teselecta, we are champions of law and order, just as you have always been. INT. TESELECTA, BRIDGE CARTER: Is there nothing else we can do? INT. BAR The DOCTOR lowers his head and walks out the door. INT. WILLIAMS HOUSE AMY opens the door for the postman who gives her a blue envelope. CHURCHILL: (V.O.) Why would you do this? INT. SENATE, SENATE ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR looks at CHURCHILL. INT. WILLIAMS HOUSE AMY opens the envelope. CHURCHILL: (V.O.) Of all the things you've told me, this I find hardest to believe. INT. STORMCAGE RIVER opens her envelope. CHURCHILL: (V.O.) Why would you invite your friends to see your death? INT. SENATE, SENATE ROOM, DAY DOCTOR: I had to die. I didn't have to die alone. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK TO "The Impossible Astronaut" EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY, UTAH, DAY AMY and RORY turn around and we see the DOCTOR lying on the hood of a red 1960s station wagon. AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: Ha-ha! It's the Ponds! (gets off the car and hugs them) DOCTOR: (V.O.) Amy and Rory. The last Centurion and the girl who waited. However dark it got, I'd turn around, and there they'd be. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SENATE, SENATE ROOM, DAY DOCTOR: If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me. CHURCHILL: And did you tell them this was going to happen? DOCTOR: It would help if you didn't keep asking questions. (looks at his arm and sees two more tally marks)(whispers) We don't have much time. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK TO "The Impossible Astronaut" EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY, UTAH, DAY A gun fires and the Stetson is blown off the DOCTOR'S head. The three of them turn around and see a figure silhouetted against the sun. The figure moves slightly and we see it is RIVER. CHURCHILL: (V.O.) And this woman you spoke of. Did you invite her? RIVER: (blows on the muzzle) Hello, sweetie. DOCTOR: (V.O.) Yes, she was there. EXT. SHORE OF LAKE SILENCIO, UTAH, DAY The DOCTOR is stretched out on a large picnic blanket. AMY, RORY and RIVER are sitting around the edges. DOCTOR: (V.O.) River Song came twice. DOCTOR: (pours wine into RIVER'S glass) Napoleon gave me this bottle. Well, I say gave...Threw. (toasts) Salut! ALL: Salut! RORY: So when are we going to 1969? DOCTOR: (V.O.) Everything was in place. I only had to do one more thing. I only had to die. The DOCTOR stands and holds up a hand in a wave. RORY and RIVER stand. RIVER: Oh, my God! AMY stands and looks with the others as an astronaut stands in the lake DOCTOR: You all need to stay back. Whatever happens now, you do not interfere. Clear? (walks to astronaut) RORY: That's an astronaut. That's an Apollo astronaut in the lake. Look. The DOCTOR stands in front of the astronaut on the beach. The astronaut opens its visor and we see it's RIVER. DOCTOR: Well, then. Here we are at last. RIVER: I can't stop it. The suit's in control. DOCTOR: You're not supposed to. This has to happen. RIVER: Run! DOCTOR: I did run. Running brought me here. RIVER: I tried to fight it, but I can't, it's too strong. DOCTOR: I know. It's OK. This is where I die. This is a fixed point, this must happen, this always happens. Don't worry... You won't even remember this. Look over there. (looks in the direction of the others) RIVER: (looks over and sobs) That's me. How can I be there? DOCTOR: That's you from the future. Serving time for a murder you probably can't remember. My murder. RIVER: Why would you do that? Make me watch? DOCTOR: So that you know this is inevitable. And you are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven. RIVER: (the arm of the suit rises) Please, my love. Please, please just run! DOCTOR: I can't. RIVER: Time can be rewritten. DOCTOR: Don't you dare. Goodbye, River. RIVER shakes her head and sobs. The DOCTOR closes his eyes, accepting his fate. There are five sonic gunshots and the DOCTOR jerks with each one. Realizing he's still alive, the DOCTOR cracks open one eye. RIVER: Hello, Sweetie. DOCTOR: What have you done?! RIVER: Well... I think I just drained my weapon systems. DOCTOR: But this is fixed. This is a fixed point in time. RIVER: Fixed points can be rewritten. DOCTOR: No, they can't, of course they can't, who told you?! There is a flash of light as time changes. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SENATE, SENATE ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR is on the opposite end of the room from CHURCHILL. CHURCHILL: Well? What happened? DOCTOR: Nothing. CHURCHILL: Nothing? (walks to the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: Nothing happened. And then it kept happening. Or, if you prefer, everything happened, at once, and it won't ever stop. Time is dying. It's going to be 5:02 in the afternoon for all eternity. A needle stuck on a record. CHURCHILL: A record? Good Lord, man, have you never heard of downloads? DOCTOR: Said Winston Churchill. CHURCHILL: (sniffs) Gunsmoke. That's gunsmoke! (lifts gun) I appear to have fired this. DOCTOR: (is holding a pike) We seem to be defending ourselves. CHURCHILL: I don't understand. DOCTOR: The creatures that lead the Silence. Remarkable beings...they're memory-proof. CHURCHILL: But what does that mean? They start to back out of the room. DOCTOR: You can't remember them. The moment you look away, you forget they were ever there. (looks at arm and sees another mark) Don't panic. In small numbers, they're not too difficult. As the DOCTOR changes his grip on the pike, he sees that his right arm is covered in tally marks. The DOCTOR and CHURCHILL look up slowly and see the SILENTS hanging from the ceiling like bats. A cylindrical device is thrown into the room and rolls across the floor, beeping. DOCTOR: Go! The DOCTOR makes a run for it, knocking CHURCHILL to the floor. The bomb goes off-it's a flash-bang. The DOCTOR is knocked to the floor by the concussion of the blast. Armed soldiers burst into the room. SOLDIER: Go! Go! Keep the Silents in sight at all times, keep your eye drives active. The soldiers keep their guns aimed at the ceiling and a woman wearing a black suit saunters into the room. CHURCHILL: Who the devil are you?! Identify yourselves! The DOCTOR squints through the smoke at the woman as she moves closer. AMY: Pond. Amelia Pond. The DOCTOR laughs and CHURCHILL aims his gun at her. DOCTOR: No! (pushes the gun down) She's on our side, it's OK. AMY walks closer and the DOCTOR sees she is wearing an eye patch. DOCTOR: No! No, Amy, Amy. Why are you wearing that? AMY fires her gun and the DOCTOR falls back onto the floor. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ORIENT EXPRESS, AMY'S OFFICE The DOCTOR comes to and sees a ceiling fan lazily spinning. He's resting on a couch. MAN ON RADIO: The Government has again apologised for extensive radio interference caused by solar flare and sun spot activity. The DOCTOR'S eyes move from the ceiling and focus on AMY as she leans in the doorway. DOCTOR: Amy? AMY: Those stun guns aren't fun, I'm sorry. I wanted to avoid a long conversation. You need to get up though, we'll be in Cairo shortly. DOCTOR: Amy Pond! Amelia Pond from Leadworth, please, listen to me. (pulls himself into a sitting position) I know it seems impossible, but you know me. In another version of reality you and I were best friends. We, we travelled together, we had adventures... (tries to stand but needs the wall for support) Amelia Pond! You grew up with a time rift in the wall of your bedroom. You can see what others can't, you can remember things that never happened. As he's been talking, we see drawings hanging on the walls from AMY'S adventures. The DOCTOR doesn't notice. He picks up a small crafted TARDIS without realizing. DOCTOR: And if you try, if you really, really try, you'll be able to... AMY looks at the TARDIS in his hand and the DOCTOR finally sees it. DOCTOR: Oh. Oh! (sees the drawings) Oh... AMY: You look rubbish. DOCTOR: You look wonderful. (tosses the TARDIS at her) AMY: So do you. (puts down TARDIS) But don't worry. We'll soon fix that. (holds up tweed jacket with shirt and bowtie) DOCTOR: Oh! AMY laughs as she gives him the clothes. DOCTOR: Geronimo! The DOCTOR has now changed into his familiar outfit and has shaved. AMY is sitting at her desk. DOCTOR: OK, you can turn round now. How do I look? AMY: Cool. DOCTOR: Really?! AMY: No. DOCTOR: Cool office though. Why do you have an office?! Are you a special agent boss lady? Not sure about the eye patch. AMY: It's not an eye patch. Time's gone wrong. Some of us noticed. There's a whole team of us working on it... You'll see. DOCTOR: And you've got an office on a train, that is so cool. Can I have an office? Never had an office before! Or a train. Or a train slash office. AMY: (runs over and hugs him) God, I've missed you! DOCTOR: OK, hugging and missing now. (breaks hug) Where's the Roman? AMY: You mean Rory! DOCTOR: Mmm. AMY: My husband Rory, yeah? (holds up a sketch) That's him, isn't it? I've no idea, I can't find him. I love him very much, don't I? DOCTOR: (looks at the sketch) Apparently. AMY: I have to keep doing this. I have to keep writing and drawing things. It's just so hard to keep remembering... (leans against the desk) DOCTOR: It's not your fault, time's gone wrong. Do you remember why? AMY: The lakeside. DOCTOR: Lake Silencio, Utah. I died. AMY: But then you didn't. I remember it twice, different ways. DOCTOR: Two different versions of the same event, both happening in the same moment. Time split wide open. Now look at it. (points out window) All of history happening at once. AMY: Does it matter? I mean can't we just stay like this? DOCTOR: Time isn't just frozen. It's disintegrating. It will spread and spread and all of reality will simply fall apart. There is a knock on the door and a soldier leans in, also wearing an eye patch. It is RORY. The DOCTOR grins at seeing him. RORY: Ma'am, we're about to arrive. Eye drives need to be activated as soon as we disembark. AMY: Good point. Thank you, Captain Williams. DOCTOR: Hello. RORY: Hello, sir. Pleased to meet you. AMY: Captain Williams, best of the best, couldn't live without him. As RORY turns and walks away, the DOCTOR holds up AMY'S sketch and laughs. DOCTOR: No. (makes a face at the likeness) AMY: What is wrong? DOCTOR: (puts down sketch) Amy... You'll find your Rory, you always do. But you have to really look. AMY: I am looking. DOCTOR: Oh, my Amelia Pond. (takes her head in his hands) You don't always look hard enough. AMY: Why are you older? If time isn't really passing, then how can you be ageing? DOCTOR: Time's still passing for me. (walks away) Every explosion has an epicentre. I'm it... I'm what's wrong. AMY: What's wrong with you? DOCTOR: (closes his eyes and shakes his head before turning around) I'm still alive. EXT. GREAT PYRAMID, EVENING The train rides a trestle that takes it directly into the pyramid. Painted on the side is a large American flag with "Area 52" underneath it. On top is a spire. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, EVENING RORY leads the way down the narrow stairs. The DOCTOR is holding his eye patch with distaste. AMY follows behind. RORY: You have to put it on, sir. DOCTOR: An eye patch. What for? AMY: It's not an eye patch. RORY: It's an eye drive, sir. It communicates directly with the memory centres of the brain, acts as external storage. AMY: Only thing that works on them. Because no living mind can remember these things. The soldiers that were waiting at the base of the stairs fall in behind them. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, CONTAINMENT ROOM, EVENING Inside the room are containment chambers in which the Silents are suspended in fluid. RORY: The Silents. We've captured over 100 of them now, all held in this Pyramid. The DOCTOR walks up to one of the chambers. DOCTOR: Yeah. I've encountered them before. Always wondered what they looked like. The SILENT in the chamber tilts its head at the DOCTOR. AMY: Put your eye drive on and, you'll retain the information. But only as long as you're wearing it. DOCTOR: (looks at AMY) The Silents have human servants. They all wear these. AMY: They'd have to. RORY: This way. As they walk through the room, the Silents watch the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR puts on the patch. RORY: They seem to be noticing you. DOCTOR: Yeah. They would. AMY: So why aren't the human race killing them on sight any more? DOCTOR: That was a whole other reality. What are the tanks for? RORY: They can draw electricity from anything, it's how they attack. The fluid insulates them. And I don't like how the way they're looking at you. DOCTOR: Me neither. RORY: (to AMY) Ma'am, I'm sure it's nothing, but I should check it out. They haven't been this active in a while. (to soldiers) You two, upstairs, check all the tank seals. Then the floors above, get everyone checking. SOLDIERS: Sir! (leave) RORY: You go ahead, Ma'am. AMY: Thank you, Captain Williams. Doctor, this way. RORY goes to check the tanks as AMY and the DOCTOR continue on. DOCTOR: Captain Williams, nice fella. What's his first name? AMY: Captain. Just through here. DOCTOR: Just give us a moment, just need to... check something... Ma'am. (gives her a light salute) As the DOCTOR turns back, AMY speaks into a comms unit in her lapel. AMY: We're in. He's on his way. The DOCTOR walks up to RORY who is checking the seals on the tanks. DOCTOR: The loyal soldier, waiting to be noticed, always the pattern, why is that? RORY: Sorry, sir? DOCTOR: Your boss, you should just ask her out, she likes you. She said so. RORY: Really, sir. What did she say? DOCTOR: Ah, she just sort of generally indicated. RORY: What exactly what did she say? DOCTOR: She said that you were a Mr Hottie... ness. And that she would like to go out with you for... texting and scones. RORY: You really haven't done this before, have you? DOCTOR: No, I haven't. RORY: (pause) See you in a moment, sir. DOCTOR: Yes. (pats him on the shoulder) Yes. (rejoins AMY) AMY: Come on, Doctor. Time for you to meet some old friends. RORY: (speaker) Attention, all personnel. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, KING'S CHAMBER, EVENING The DOCTOR and AMY walk into a large open chamber that is acting as the nerve center for the project. RORY: (over speaker) Attention, all personnel. Please check all assigned containment units. A female doctor, KENT, is speaking to the woman in charge. KENT: You were right. Just his presence in the building caused the loop to extend by nearly four chronons. A digital clock now reads 5:02:57. The seconds keep changing. DOCTOR: Hi, honey. I'm home. The woman turns around and we see it is RIVER. RIVER: And what sort of time do you call this? RIVER walks away to reveal KOVARIAN bound to a chair. KOVARIAN: The death of time. The end of time. The end of us all. Oh, why couldn't you just die? DOCTOR: Did me best, dear. I showed up. (walks around the chamber) You just can't get the psychopaths these days. Love what you've done with the pyramids. How did you swing all this? RIVER: Hallucinogenic lipstick. Works wonders on President Kennedy. And Cleopatra was a real pushover. DOCTOR: I always thought so. RIVER: She mentioned you. DOCTOR: What did she say? RIVER: Put down that gun. DOCTOR: Did you? RIVER: Eventually. KOVARIAN: They're flirting! Do I have to watch this? RIVER: It was such a basic mistake, wasn't it, Madame Kovarian? Take a child, raise her into a perfect psychopath, introduce her to the Doctor. Who else was I going to fall in love with? DOCTOR: It's not funny, River. Reality is fatally compromised. Tell me you understand that. RIVER: Dinner? DOCTOR: I don't have the time. Nobody has the time, because as long I'm alive, time is dying. Because of you, River. RIVER: Because I refused to kill the man I love. DOCTOR: Oh, you love me, do you? Oh, that's sweet of you! (starts walking towards RIVER) Isn't that sweet? AMY: Get him! DOCTOR: C'mere you! Soldiers pull the DOCTOR away from RIVER. RIVER: I'm not a fool, sweetie. I know what happens if we touch. With a quick smile at the soldiers, the DOCTOR lunges at RIVER and grabs her wrist. RIVER: Get off me, get him off me! AMY: Doctor, no, let go! Please Doctor let go!! The clock moves to 5:03. KENT: It's moving. Time's moving! RIVER: Get him off me! AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: I'm sorry, River, it's the only way! For a brief moment, they are back at Lake Silencio. The soldiers pull the DOCTOR away. RIVER rubs her wrist. RIVER: Cuff him. DOCTOR: Oh, why do you always have handcuffs? The soldiers handcuff the DOCTOR'S hands behind his back. DOCTOR: It's the only way. We're the opposite poles of the disruption. If we touch, we short out the differential, time can begin. RIVER: And I'll be by a lakeside, killing you. DOCTOR: And time won't fall apart. Reality will continue. There isn't another way. RIVER: I didn't say there was, sweetie. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, CONTAINMENT ROOM, EVENING One of the Silents waits for the soldiers to pass by before pressing its hand to the glass. It cracks at its fingertips. RORY comes by to check the seals and sees water dripping from the ceiling. What he doesn't see is water coming down the stairs. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, KING'S CHAMBER, EVENING RIVER: There are so many theories about you and I, you know. DOCTOR: Idle gossip. RIVER: Archaeology. DOCTOR: Same thing. RIVER: (walks up to him) Am I the woman who marries you, or the woman who murders you? DOCTOR: Oh! I don't want to marry you. RIVER: I don't want to murder you. AMY feels something drip on her head. DOCTOR: This is no fun at all. RIVER: It isn't, is it? AMY: (looking up) Doctor... What's that? They look up at the ceiling and see a line of water dripping down. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, CONTAINMENT ROOM, EVENING As RORY watches, another Silent presses its hand against the glass and it cracks. Yet another creeps down the stairs behind him. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, KING'S CHAMBER, EVENING DOCTOR: The pyramid above us. How many Silents do you have trapped inside it? KOVARIAN: None. They're not trapped, they never have been. They've been waiting for this, Doctor... For you. RORY bursts into the room. RORY: They're out! All of them. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, CONTAINMENT ROOM, EVENING The soldiers try to hold back the Silents but the aliens begin electrocuting them. Gunfire has no effect. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, KING'S CHAMBER, EVENING A thick plank of wood is placed horizontally across the doors. SOLDIER: No-one gets in here! RORY: Ma'am, my men out there, should be able to lock this down we have them outnumbered. KOVARIAN: And you're wearing eye drives based on mine, I think. Oops! DOCTOR: What do you mean? KENT screams as her eyes drive becomes electrified. She falls to the floor. DOCTOR: Help her! Help her! As AMY runs over to KENT, RORY helps a soldier whose eye drive has malfunctioned. AMY: She's dead. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, CONTAINMENT ROOM, EVENING Between the Silents and the electrified eye drives, the soldiers are falling quickly. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, KING'S CHAMBER, EVENING The DOCTOR groans as his eye drive goes live. DOCTOR: Eye pads off, now, remove them! AMY pulls the DOCTOR'S patch off just before hers goes haywire. KOVARIAN: The Silence would never allow an advantage, without taking one themselves. The effects will vary from person to person... either death or debilitating agony. But they will take you all, one by one. RIVER goes to AMY to help take her patch off. KOVARIAN: (patch buzzes) What are you doing? No, it's me... Don't be stupid, you need me. Stop it, stop that! DOCTOR: (to RIVER) We could stop this right now, you and I. KOVARIAN: Get it off me! DOCTOR: Amy, tell her! AMY: We've been working on something. Just let us show you. DOCTOR: That's my point. There's nothing you can do. My time is up. AMY: We're doing this for you! DOCTOR: Then people are dying for me. I won't thank you for that, Amelia Pond. KOVARIAN: (straining) Get it... RIVER: Just let us show you! AMY: Please. The DOCTOR shakes his head. AMY: (turns to RORY) Captain Williams, how long do we have? RORY: A couple of minutes. The aliens ram the door. RIVER: That's enough. We're going to the Receptor Room right at the top of the pyramid. I hope you're ready for a climb. RIVER leads the DOCTOR out of the room. AMY goes to follow. RORY: I'll wait down here, ma'am, buy you as much time as I can. AMY: You have to take your eye drive off. RORY: Can't do that, Ma'am. Might forget what's coming. AMY: But it could activate any second. RORY aims his gun at the door. RORY: It has activated, Ma'am. AMY sees RORY fist clenched and shaking at his side. RORY: But I'm no use to you if I can't remember. (uses second hand to steady the first) You have to go NOW, Ma'am. AMY: Yes. Yes, thank you, Captain Williams. (leaves) As RORY fights off the effects of the eye drive, AMY pauses and looks back at him before continuing out. The door bursts open, the bar of wood shattering. RORY gives in to the pain as the SILENTS enter the room. On his knees, RORY shouts in pain. SILENT: Rory Williams the man who dies and dies again. (the electricity builds) Die one last time and know she will never come back for you. AMY returns with a machine gun and opens fire on the SILENTS, killing them. RORY groans. AMY: (helps RORY up) Come on, you... up you get! You all right? (pulls off his patch) AMY and RORY start to leave. KOVARIAN calls to AMY, her eye patch halfway off. KOVARIAN: Amy... help me. AMY: (walks over) You took my baby from me. And hurt her. And now she's all grown up and she's fine, but I'll never see my baby again. KOVARIAN: But you'll still save me though. Because HE would, and you'd never do anything to disappoint your precious Doctor. RORY: Ma'am, we have to go... now! AMY: The Doctor is very precious to me, you're right. But do you know what else he is, Madame Kovarian? Not here. (puts KOVARIAN'S eye patch back) River Song didn't get it all from you... sweetie. AMY loops her arm through that of a puzzled RORY and leads him from the room as KOVARIAN screams. AMY: So, you and me, we should get a drink some time. RORY: OK. AMY: And married. RORY: Fine. INT. GREAT PYRAMID, CORRIDORS, EVENING The Silents continue to battle the soldiers. EXT. GREAT PYRAMID, BEACON, EVENING RIVER and the DOCTOR arrive at the top of the pyramid. DOCTOR: What's this? Oh, it's a timey-wimey distress beacon. Who built this? RIVER: I'm the child of the TARDIS, I understand the physics. DOCTOR: Yes, but that's all you've got - a distress beacon! RIVER: I've been sending out a message, a distress call. Outside the bubble of our time, the universe is still turning, and I've sent a message everywhere, to the future and the past, the beginning and the end of everything. "The Doctor is dying, please, please help". DOCTOR: River, River, this is ridiculous. That would mean nothing to anyone, it's insane. Worse, it's stupid! You embarrass me. AMY and RORY arrive. AMY: We barricaded the door, we've got a few minutes...just tell him. Just tell him, River. RIVER: Those reports of the sun spots and the solar flares. They're wrong, there aren't any. It's not the sun, it's you, the sky is full of a million, million voices, saying yes, of course we'll help. You've touched so many lives, saved so many people. Did you think, when your time came, you'd really have to do more than just ask? You've decided that the universe is better off without you, but the universe doesn't agree. DOCTOR: River, no-one can help me. A fixed point has been altered, time is disintegrating. RIVER: I can't let you die. DOCTOR: But I have to die. RIVER: Shut up! I can't let you die without knowing you are loved by so many, and so much. And by no-one more than me. DOCTOR: River, you and I, we know what this means. We are ground zero of an explosion that will engulf all reality. Billions on billions will suffer and die. RIVER: I'll suffer if I have to kill you. DOCTOR: More than every living thing in the universe?! RIVER: Yes. DOCTOR: River, River, why do you had have to be this. Melody Pond... (looks at AMY and RORY) your daughter. I hope you're both proud. (turns his back on them) RORY: I'm not sure I completely understand... AMY: We got married, and had a kid, that's her. RORY: OK. DOCTOR: Amy, uncuff me, now. With a look at RIVER, AMY goes over and uncuffs the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR takes a deep breath and turns around, rubbing his hands. DOCTOR: OK. I need a strip of cloth, about a foot long. Anything will do. Never mind. (unties bowtie) River, take one end of this, wrap it around your hand, and hold it out to me. RIVER: What am I doing? They both wrap an end of the tie around their hands. DOCTOR: As you're told. Now, we're in the middle of a combat zone, so we'll have to do the quick version. Captain Williams, say "I consent and gladly give". RORY: To what? DOCTOR: Just say it. Please. RORY: I consent and gladly give. DOCTOR: Need you to say it too, mother of the bride. AMY: I consent and gladly give. DOCTOR: Now, River, I'm about to whisper something in your ear, and you have to remember it very, very carefully and tell no-one what I said. The DOCTOR whispers in RIVER'S ear and she reacts as if she's just be told something wonderful, the secret of the ages. DOCTOR: I just told you my name. Now there you go, River Song. Melody Pond. You're the woman who married me. And wife, I have a request. This world is dying, and it's my fault, and I can't bear it another day. Please, help me. There isn't another way. RIVER: Then you may kiss the bride. DOCTOR: I'll make it a good one. RIVER: You better. They kiss and time begins to move once more. EXT. SHORE OF LAKE SILENCIO, UTAH, DAY RIVER cries as she shoots the DOCTOR. AMY, runs towards him but RORY and FURTURE RIVER stop her. AMY cries over the DOCTOR'S body. The DOCTOR'S body burns on the funeral boat. DOCTOR: (V.O.) And you are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven. EXT. LONDON, DAY The steam trains, the hot air balloons and the pterodactyls disappear. EXT. SPACE As we view the Earth, we hear another verse of the rhyme. GIRL: Tick tock goes the clock He gave all he could give her Tick tock goes the clock, Now prison waits for River. EXT. WILLIAMS BACK GARDEN, NIGHT AMY is sitting at a table, a blanket wrapped about her shoulders. On the table is a bottle of wine and two glasses. There is a flash of light and crackle of electricity but AMY doesn't even blink. AMY: Heard there was a freak meteor shower two miles away... So I got us a bottle. RIVER: Thank you, dear. (picks up the bottle and pours a glass) AMY: So where are we? RIVER: I just climbed out of the Byzantium. You were there. So young, (sits) didn't have a clue who I was... You're funny like that. Where are you? AMY: The Doctor's dead. (sips wine) RIVER: How are you doing? AMY: How do you think? RIVER: Well, I don't know unless you tell me. AMY: I killed someone. Madame Kovarian, in cold blood. RIVER: In an aborted time-line, in a world that never was... AMY: Yeah, well, I can remember it, so it happened, so I did it. What does that make me now? I need to talk to the Doctor, but I can't now, can I? RIVER: (sets down glass) If you could talk to him, would it make a difference? AMY: But he's dead, so I can't. RIVER: Oh, mother...of course he isn't. (puts hand on AMY'S leg) AMY: Not for you, I suppose, you're seeing the younger versions of him, running around, having adventures. RIVER: Yeah, I am...but that's not what I mean. AMY: Then what do you mean? RIVER: OK. I'm going to tell you what I probably shouldn't. The Doctor's last secret. Don't you want to know what he whispered in my ear? AMY: He whispered his name. RIVER: Not his name, no. AMY: Yes, it was. He said it was. RIVER: Rule One? AMY: The Doctor lies. RIVER: So do I... all the time, I have to, spoilers. Pretending I don't know you're my mother. Pretending I didn't recognize the space suit in Florida. AMY: What did he whisper in your ear? RIVER: Oh, that man, he's always one step ahead of everyone. Always a plan. AMY: River, what did he tell you? River! RIVER laughs. INT. WILLIAMS HOUSE, NIGHT RORY comes home and removes his messenger bag. He looks outside as he hears AMY squeal and sees AMY and RIVER hugging. He goes outside. EXT. WILLIAMS BACK GARDEN, NIGHT RORY: Hey? AMY: (hugs RORY) He's not dead, he's not dead! RORY: Are you sure, River? Are you really, properly sure? RIVER: Of course I'm sure. I'm his wife! AMY: Yes! And I'm his... mother-in-law. RIVER: Father dear, I think Mummy might need another drink. RORY: Yes. Yes. INT. SEVENTH TRANSCEPT A hooded figure is carrying DORIUM'S box solemnly back to its pedestal. DORIUM: (muffled) Who's carrying me? I demand to know...I'm a head, I have rights! I want my doors open this time. The figure places the box gently back in its spot. DORIUM: (muffled) I demand that my doors are open. The figure slides the box open and walks away. DORIUM: Is it you?! It is, isn't it? The figure stops and slowly turns around. DORIUM: It IS you, I can sense it. But how did you do it? How could you possibly have escaped?! [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. TESELECTA, BRIDGE CARTER: Is there nothing else we can do? INT. BAR The DOCTOR lowers his head and walks out the door but darts back in. DOCTOR: Actually, thinking about it... EXT. GREAT PYRAMID, BEACON, EVENING The DOCTOR whispers in RIVER'S ear. DOCTOR: Look into my eye. RIVER looks into the DOCTOR'S eye only to see the DOCTOR and the TARDIS. The DOCTOR inside shushes her. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEVENTH TRANSCEPT The DOCTOR drops the hooded cloak to the floor. DORIUM is stunned. DOCTOR: The Teselecta. A Doctor in a Doctor-Suit. (walks back to DORIUM) Time said I had to be on that beach so I dressed for the occasion barely got singed in that boat. DORIUM: So you're going to do this, let them all think you're dead? DOCTOR: It's the only way. Then they can all forget me. I got too big, Dorium, too noisy...time to step back into the shadows. DORIUM: And Dr Song? In prison all her days? DOCTOR: Her days, yes. Her nights... Well, that's between her and me, eh? DORIUM: So many secrets, Doctor. I'll help you keep them, of course... DOCTOR: Well, you're not exactly going anywhere, are you? DORIUM: But you're a fool nonetheless. It's all still waiting for you... the fields of Trenzalore, the fall of the Eleventh. And the question! DOCTOR: (mock salute) Goodbye, Dorium. (turns away and walks down tunnel) DORIUM: The first question! The question that must never be answered, hidden in plain sight. The question you've been running from all your life. Doctor who? Doctor who? Doc... tor... WHO?!
Plan: A: his death; Q: What does the Doctor know he cannot avoid? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is warned by Dorium that the question the Silence were trying to prevent will be asked? A: Lake Silencio; Q: Where does the Doctor invite Amy, Rory, River, and Canton to? A: River; Q: Who is the Doctor taken to by? A: Teselecta; Q: Who is impersonating the Doctor? A: the astronaut suit; Q: What was River wearing when she refused to kill the Doctor? A: Earth; Q: What planet is thrown into a timeline where all of history is running at once? A: the original universe; Q: What does Amy remember? A: the correct time; Q: What does River know will resume if the Doctor and River touch? A: Amy realises; Q: Who kills Madame Kovarian? A: Madame Kovarian; Q: Who does Amy kill for taking her child? A: the universe; Q: What does the Doctor believe will collapse if he stays in the aborted timeline? A: the aborted timeline; Q: What timeline does River suggest the Doctor stay in? Summary: Understanding his death cannot be avoided, the Doctor gives invitations to Lake Silencio for Amy, Rory, River, and Canton to a Teselecta. However, the River in the astronaut suit refuses to kill him, causing the Earth to be thrown into a timeline where all of history is running at once. He is found by Amy who is able to remember the original universe due to the crack in her wall. The Doctor is taken to River, who is aware that if the two of them touch the correct time will resume. Amy realises who Rory is and kills Madame Kovarian for taking their child. The Doctor, believing the universe will collapse if they stay in the aborted timeline as River suggests, whispers something in River's ear and then marries her. They kiss, allowing the universe to return. Later, Amy and Rory are visited by River, who reveals that the Doctor had revealed to her that the Teselecta was impersonating him while he was safely inside it. Elsewhere, the Doctor is warned by Dorium that the question the Silence were attempting to prevent will be asked: "Doctor Who?"
LOS ANGELES. APO. JACK: (To Rachel) Langley can't know what Sydney's doing. We should continue to act on the assumption that Prophet Five has moles inside the C.I.A. Contact Michael Linz in Berlin. He'll send the body back. RACHEL: I'll get right on it. JACK: Come with me. Anna's dead. Sydney seized the opportunity to infiltrate Prophet5. DIXON: Sydney's presenting herself as Anna? Do you think that's wise? JACK: It was Sydney's call. I wasn't consulted. What's your status? (to Marshall) MARSHALL: We'll be up and running in a minute. JACK: Sydney embedded a tracker into the chip that Anna was tasked to retrieve. We'll be able to follow her from here. We suspect Prophet5 had intended for Anna to do some task only Sydney could perform. Learning what that is may be an opportunity to determine their endgame. DIXON: That's if they believe Sydney is Anna... JACK: I know. MARSHALL: Patching Vaughn through. JACK: Vaughn, can you hear me? VAUGHN: (Inside the bunker) you're clear. DIXON: Where is he? JACK: Hamburg. He and Sydney uncovered a storeroom of information...material that Vaughn and Renée Rienne's fathers gathered during their investigation of Prophet5 .You'll join Vaughn. Transmit the documentation back here for analysis. DIXON: Vaughn, it's Dixon. It's good to hear your voice. VAUGHN: You, too. I'll see you soon. Marshall, how we doing? MARSHALL: I'm triangulating the coordinates. Just give me a sec. You know, I cried at your funeral. VAUGHN: Sorry about that. MARSHALL: No, no, thank you. I need a good cry now and again. Okay, tracker's hot. Got her. There she is. She's on...Tiergarten strasse. HAMBOURG. Inside a car. PEYTON (phone) : I have the chip in hand. Of course. We're en route now. (to Sydney) Our superiors were quite pleased with your performance. You seem surprised. SYDNEY: Not at all. PEYTON: Your reputation's well deserved. (She takes her glass to cheers with Anna) To the great Anna Espinosa. SYDNEY: "Great" seems a little strong, doesn't it? PEYTON: Don't tell me you're getting modest. SYDNEY: It's this body. I have this uncontrollable urge now to act like a girl scout all the time. PEYTON: Well, let's get you back to Zurich before you start trying to sell me cookies. SYDNEY: I'm sure our superiors are eager to get their hands on that. PEYTON: This? This is an inconvenience. (Peyton throws the chip it in the wine glass). Nothing more. LOS ANGELES. APO. The computers screens freeze. JACK: What just happened? MARSHALL: I'm not sure. I think the tracker crashed. VAUGHN (phone): Crashed? What does that mean, crashed? MARSHALL: We've lost Sydney. VAUGHN (phone): Marshall, find her! MARSHALL: I can't. I think it must've frizzed out. VAUGHN: Patch into a traffic cam. Do something! Just find her! MARSHALL: Don't worry, I'm on it. (Marshall searches on the traffic video. Vaughn gets quickly in his car) Okay, I got her. They're headed south on A7. VAUGHN: The airport. Marshall, I'm on Doverkamp, headed east. I need directions. MARSHALL: Wait, give me a sec. Left at the next intersection. You're closing in. VAUGHN: Marshall, I'm gonna need a green light in a hurry. (He arrives near a crossroad with a red traffic light). MARSHALL Easier said than done. It's all in German. Anschlag? JACK: Grün. Green. Vaughn arrives at the crossroad and nearly creates an accident. At the airport Vaughn arrives just behind Sydney and Peyton who pass the metal detector. It surreptitiously slips a cell phone into the hand of Sydney and leaves. ZURICH, headquarter of prophet5. MAN: (he holds the page47) Shall we? You finished the translation of page 47. SLOANE: "The circle will be complete," "when the chosen one finds the rose in San Cielo." MAN: Congratulations, Mr. Sloane. Thanks to your work, we're closer than we've ever been to comprehending Rambaldi's greatest mystery. You understand the meaning of the deciphered message? SLOANE: Enough to proceed. However, I do have one concern. Rambaldi's prophecies have always taken into account the smallest variables. This is a man who predicted events hundreds of years before we were born. The rose in question is indeed unique...as unique as Sydney herself. What is unclear, however, is whether Anna Espinosa, posing as Sydney, is able to complete the task. MAN: Well, then I guess you've got your work cut out for you. Peyton makes Sydney enter inside Sloane's room. PEYTON: After you. SYDNEY: Sloane's here. PEYTON: Of course. You didn't think we'd dispose of him this soon, did you? SLOANE: I hear your mission was a success. I suppose I should offer you congratulations? SYDNEY: Thank you. SLOANE: Did you encounter any complications? Just one. But I've dealt with her once and for all. We should celebrate, Arvin. Sydney Bristow is dead. Alias Theme. SLOANE: Remarkable likeness, isn't it? SYDNEY: So this is why you needed her. Or should I say me? SLOANE: In his prophecies, Rambaldi referred to Sydney as "the chosen one." He foretold that she would bring forth his final works. SYDNEY: And you really believe that... that a man who lived 500 years ago had intentions for Sydney Bristow? SLOANE: Excuse me. I may be mistaken, but I always believed you to be a follower of Rambaldi's works. SYDNEY: Only when it suits my checkbook. I'm not someone who'd guide my life by some perverted sense of faith. But as long as I have to look like this, I might as well make some use of it. What does Rambaldi want me to do? SLOANE: Retrieve an artifact from San Cielo... A monastery outside Rome. SYDNEY: Monastery? That sounds fun. Do I get to wear a habit? SLOANE: I think I've told you all you need to know for now. We leave within the hour. SYDNEY: Does this mean you're sending me to my room? PEYTON: There's a change of clothes for you upstairs. Second door on the left. LOS ANGELES. APO, Marshall is with Tom and Rachel. THOMAS: Sadly, he did, yeah. Can you imagine what happened when they got home? MARSHALL (To Thomas): Could I steal you for a sec? The new encryption module for the comms... Think my math is wrong. THOMAS (To Rachel): Go ahead. I can handle this. MARSHALL: She'll be back in a second. RACHEL: Didn't Langley just convert all of our comms to... MARSAHLL: This isn't about the comms. RACHEL: Marshall, what's going on? MARSHALL: Last week, when Sloane infiltrated the network, I built a bot to monitor the servers, you know, flag any abnormal activity? This morning a message came through this office without any I.D. Tags. Intended for Allen Korman. RACHEL: Korman? You mean the guy that... MARSAHLL: Yeah, him. I mean, why would Tom be contacting a guy who killed his wife? So, I did some digging. Travel itinerary. Korman's flying into L.A. Tonight. RACHEL: This doesn't make any sense. Look, I talked to Tom myself. He said he came to Korman to confront him, but when he saw Korman with his family, he changed his mind. MARSHALL: Rachel, Korman doesn't have any family. I checked. Tom's been lying to you. I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you first, but...I have to tell Mr. Bristow. RACHEL: No, you don't. MARSHALL: Yes Rachel, we have to. RACHEL: Look, you said it yourself...The contact is anonymous...Tom is not a bad guy! MARSHALL: How do you know that? RACHEL: Because I know. Look, just let me check into it first. Give me 24 hours. I promise, if we don't have an answer by then, we'll go to Jack together. MARSHALL: All right. 24 hours. Prophet5 headquarter. Sydney scans her bedroom with the cell phone and finds a microphone in a lamp. She puts a radio near it and calls her father. SYDNEY: Hey, it's me. I don't have much time. JACK: Where are you? SYDNEY: Zurich. An estate, highly secure. Sloane is here. JACK: What is he telling you? SYDNEY: That page 47 references San Cielo... A monastery outside Rome. We're going there. Where are you? JACK: Right now, in your kitchen, playing with Isabelle. SYDNEY: You are? How is she? JACK: Happy. SYDNEY: Dad, did she just... JACK: Giggle? Yeah. Apparently, I'm funny. SYDNEY: She hasn't done that before. That was a first. JACK: Of which there will be many. SYDNEY: I know. JACK: I'll notify Vaughn and Dixon about Rome. If you learn anything more... SYDNEY: (Someone knocks on the door). I have to go. Tell Isabelle I love her. PEYTON: Are you ready? SYDNEY: Yes. HAMBOURG. Vaughn scans all the documents of his father. Dixon joins him. DIXON: Hey. VAUGHN: Hey. DIXON: You're shorter than I remember. This is all regarding Prophet5? VAUGHN: This entire bunker contains evidence of... mysterious deaths, assassinations, car bombings, all of them involving people who were investigating Prophet Five. They basically killed anyone who got too close. DIXON: But they didn't get you. VAUGHN: No. They might have, if not for Jack. When I was in the hospital, he convinced me that Prophet Five wouldn't rest until they killed me, and that I was in no condition to fight back. DIXON: How'd he manage it? VAUGHN: Sodium morphate. It slowed down my body functions to a point that mimicked death. Apparently, I spent four hours in a drawer at the morgue waiting for Jack's contact reach me to administer the antidote. Then a couple days of travelling before I made it to Nepal. You know, it's funny, it's the first time I ever felt Jack accepted me. DIXON: Or else, he manufactured a very elaborate scheme to postpone your wedding to his daughter. I have something for you. (He hands him a photo of his daughter). Fortunately, she looks more like her mother. VAUGHN: Yeah, she does. Dixon, thank you. (Phone rings) Yeah, Jack. Of course. We'll contact you when we arrive. (To Dixon) Jack's sending a team to box all this up. Sydney's en route with Sloane. We're gonna provide backup. DIXON: Where are they headed? VAUGHN: Rome. DIXON: Well... On a plane. SLOANE: Anna, well.... I made our arrangements. Your contact will be meeting you on the ground. He'll provide you with access to San Cielo. SYDNEY: No more than I need to know. SLOANE: Well, I am sure you have questions. So do I. Tell me...How did it happen? SYDNEY: How did I kill Sydney? SLOANE: Yes. SYDNEY: Why do you care? SLOANE: Sydney was a remarkable agent. I imagine it wasn't easy. SYDNEY: Sydney wasn't a martyr or a legend. She was just a person... who deserved nothing more than to be shot in the back... and so she was. The Chosen One. She died just as easy as anyone SLOANE: I see. Well, thank you. We'll be landing shortly. Sloane gets up and walks near Peyton. SLOANE: I know what you have planned for Anna after this mission is over. PEYTON: You have reservations? SLOANE: Oh, no. I want to be the one who kills her. ROME. Sydney discreetly chats with Vaughn at a newspaper stand. VAUGHN: You smell nice. So we looked into the monastery San Cielo. You're sure about that name? SYDNEY: Yeah, why? VAUGHN: Marshall couldn't find any record of it. SYDNEY: I'm meeting someone inside the O.T.B. He's supposed to brief me on the rest. VAUGHN: I saw a picture of Isabelle. I don't know how we do this anymore. SYDNEY: We do it the way we've always done it. It's the only way to keep her safe. We end this. VAUGHN: Okay. Dixon and I will have your back. If anything happens, we're gonna pull you out. So who's this contact? SYDNEY: Sloane said I'd know him when I saw him. VAUGHN: Syd, be careful. Sydney enters a betting parlour where she sees Sark. SARK: I wouldn't do that if I were you. If you want my advice, take Tokyo Rose in the third. It's a sure bet. SYDNEY: Julian, last time I saw you, it was at Venice... where, as I recall, you betrayed me to the C.I.A. They took me into custody. SARK: And yet, Anna, here you are. Looking better than ever. SYDNEY: (She slaps him) that's, for a year spent in a federal holding facility. (She knocks his head on the bar) That's all for now. I will let you know if I'm gonna hit him again. SARK: Now what was that one for? SYDNEY: I'll get back to you. SARK: Right. So what are you drinking? LOS ANGELES. Tom meets Korman on a car park. TOM: Did you find him? KORMAN: The Cardinal? I wouldn't be here if I didn't. (He hands him a paper). Rachel, in her car, sees Tom and Korman talk. As soon as Korman leaves, she stops Tom. RACHEL: I'm gonna give you to "three" to start talking. TOM: Not here. Somebody might be watching. Not far under a bridge. TOM: I didn't lie to you. Korman killed my wife. But the order came from somebody else. The closest I've gotten is a name...The Cardinal. RACHEL: Well, you two seem to be pretty chummy. TOM: He works freelance. We did a job once...deep cover op. He doesn't even know my real name. Look, I've gotta find out why, Rachel. She was a school teacher. She wasn't a part of this life. If somebody wanted to hurt me, why didn't they just come after me? RACHEL: And Korman knows? TOM: He does now. He found The Cardinal. RACHEL: What does he want? Money? TOM: His car...it was seized when he turned himself in to witsec (Witness Security Program). RACHEL: You could've told me, tom. I would've kept it to myself. TOM: No, I couldn't have. I've spent 4 years, and this is as close as I've got to an answer. I couldn't trust anybody. RACHEL: If I hack into the federal database, I should be able to find the car. TOM: I couldn't ask you to do that. RACHEL: You didn't. ROME. Vaughn sits with Dixon on a bench. VAUGHN: It's Sark. DIXON: The contact? VAUGHN: Yep. DIXON: Better the enemy you know...She can handle Sark. In the betting parlor. SYDNEY: (swallows an alcohol) another? SARK: Perhaps you shouldn't. We're on the clock. SYDNEY: We are. Here I thought we were just catching up on old times. Well, in that case, maybe it's time you fill me in on the plan. SARK: What has Sloane told you? SYDNEY: Just that our target is San Cielo. SARK: Well, that's not entirely true. The rose that you're supposed to acquire, if you're to believe page 47, is being held in a facility known by Rambaldi as San Cielo. The rest of the world now refers to it as La Fossa maximum security prison. SYDNEY: We're breaking into a prison? SARK: According to Sloane, Milo Rambaldi, in the days leading up to his execution, was held there. He believes he hid the rose in the northwest isolation wing. The text specifies that only the Chosen One can obtain the item in question. I guess you'll have to do. (He makes a call in Italian) Operator. I need the police. Yes. There's just been an explosion. I don't know. It's the off-track betting place on Vittore Street. Please hurry. SYDNEY: An explosion? SARK: I suggest you take cover. Sark hides so does Sydney. Sark then triggers an explosion and pretends to rob the cashier. All the customers are afraid. The police arrive. SARK: (Gun in the hand) Nobody moves... and nobody gets hurt. No need for heroes. We just want the money. But take your time. We are in no rush. SYDNEY: Wait, this is your plan for getting us into La Fossa? SARK: Yes. Grazzie. (To the bookmaker) Follow my lead, will you? [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the police determine the place. Dixon and Vaughn observe the scene, impotent. SARK: (He highs his hands with a gun and the money.) It's all over. We surrender. (Sydney puts her gun down) My partner and I have seen the error of our ways. In the prison, Sydney is transferred to her cell. On the way she passes by an old man. LOS ANGELES. APO JACK: Have you been able to access the prison's internal network? MARSHALL: Not yet. Vaughn and Dixon are moving through the sewers now. Right here prison internet connection runs out through a junction box. It should be vulnerable. Jack and Marshall are at the APO. Vaughn and Dixon go underground to rewire La Fossa's internal surveillance network. VAUGHN: Merlin, you there? MARSHALL: Yeah, Vaughn, go ahead. VAUGHN: We're about 7 meters in. Still no sign of the junction box. MARSHALL: You're almost directly under the switch room. You should be close. DIXON: Got it. It's a standard IPX node. MARSHALL: Good. You should be able to splice the line and access the surveillance feeds. DIXON: Doing that now. JACK: Do it quickly. I don't like the idea Sydney being in a maximum security prison with Sark as her backup. ROME. Sark is placed inside a cell with another man. He starts to search something in his mouth. PRISONNER: You will be very popular here. Being my friend will make your time more pleasurable. SARK: Lucky for you, I won't be here for long. Otherwise, I'd pull out your tongue and choke you with it. (He swallows something and falls on the floor). PRISONNER: Help. Help. The beautiful man is dying. LOS ANGELES. Tom and Rachel enter secretly a federal car park. RACHEL: You realize we just broke about a half dozen federal laws. TOM: Unless they moved it, Korman's car should be right down this aisle. (Guards pass behind them) Look, just stay low, check for V.I.N. Numbers. You ready? Let's go. RACHEL: This is it. TOM: This shouldn't take long. RACHEL: Can I help? TOM: Yeah, just keep an eye out for the guard. RACHEL: Is there any particular reason you're connecting the carburettor to the intake tube? TOM: This is the carburettor? RACHEL: Yeah. TOM: Maybe, uh, I should keep an eye out for the guard. ROME. DIXON: All right. You should be tied in now. VAUGHN: Yeah, we're hot. You getting a picture? JACK: Copy. It's coming through. See if you can isolate the women's block. MARSHALL: Wait a minute. Was that...was that the women's showers? No, that's men. Definitely men. VAUGHN (watches on the video): There she is. MARSHALL: Wait a minute. She's in isolation. You think that's part of a plan? JACK: We have to hope so. Sark is taken along on a stretcher. NURSE: (Italian) He needs a sedative. (American) Hold him down. This is gonna hurt. Whereas the nurse was going to make him a puncture, Sark strikes the nurse and gets rid of two guards. He logs on the nearest computer and pirates the system. The video of the APO is scrambled and they lose visual. JACK: Marshall, what happened? Did we lose the signal? MARSHALL: I don't know. Everything just went wacky. We've been kicked out. Looks like somebody else is trying to hack into the system. JACK: Sark. VAUGHN: Is there any way to regain our tap? We have to keep track of her. MARSHALL: You could look for the alarm lines and then try to crosswind them and get a Von Eck signal. VAUGHN: Know what he's talking about? DIXON: 50%. Sark opens the cell door of Sydney. She runs through corridors but she is blocked at the next door. SYDNEY: This is it. Two guards arrive inside the corridor and in a few seconds Sydney will be caught. Unfortunately Sark gets caught by a guard. SYDNEY: Sark, where are you? After a short fight Sark manages to open the door, and Sydney enters without being seen. Sark as for him is caught by other guards. Sydney goes down from the staircases and arrives in a length and large wet corridor. It is a kind of old cell. She discovers inscriptions on the walls. An old man emerges behind her. OLD MAN: I've been waiting for you for a very long time. SYDNEY: I think you have me confused with someone else. OLD MAN: I can't imagine confusing you with anyone else. As difficult as this must be for you to understand... I know you. SYDNEY: We've never met. OLD MAN: No. We haven't. We don't have much time. Come with me. I'm not going anywhere with you unless you tell me who you are. "The circle will be complete when the chosen one finds the rose." I am the rose. (He shows his tattoo on his wrist which is a rose) Now...if you will come with me... Sloane meets the prison director. DIRECTOR: And, Mr. Harvey, how can I help you? SLOANE: You have two suspects in custody who are wanted fugitives from my country, and we would like to have them extradited with your permission, of course. DIRECTOR: Then I'm afraid we have a problem. SLOANE: Why is that, sir? DIRECTOR: These two have committed crimes on Italian land, and I cannot possibly release them before their first judicial hearing. SLOANE: But you could release them if you got the permission of the general prosecutor, Adriana Micelli. DIRECTOR: Well, yes, of course. But signora Micelli... SLOANE: Mrs. Micelli is expecting your call. The director calls the general prosecutor. Peyton intercepts the call. PEYTON: Pronto. DIRECTOR: Signora Micelli, Buongiorno. LOS ANGELES. In the federal car park RACHEL: Well...looks like we may be almost there. TOM: I was supposed to meet her. RACHEL: Who? TOM: My wife...night she died. It was our half year anniversary. I was gonna pick her up at work...take her out to dinner. But contact called. I never made it. I was working five investigations, and maybe I screwed up, got my stories confused. Or maybe somebody from my past...revenge. I don't know. RACHEL: You'll find out so enough. TOM: Thanks for doing this. RACHEL: Honestly... this is the closest thing I've had to a night out since I joined the C.I.A. You want to hop in and give me some gas? Tom starts the car and escapes with Rachel as the guards just arrived. ROME. In the prison, the man escorts Sydney inside his cell. In this dark room, there is a table and candles. She sees her face on the wall (same as page 47). SYDNEY: Who did this? OLD MAN: You don't need me to tell you. He told me you'd be coming. All I had to do was waiting. (He gives Sydney an amulet which was hidden inside the wall) This is yours for the time being. SYDNEY: What is it? OLD MAN: His greatest gift... and also his greatest curse. SYDNEY: Meaning? OLD MAN: What you hold in your hand is simply a defiance of the natural order... The end of nature itself. SYDNEY: Some very bad people want what's in this amulet. I can't stop them if you don't tell me what it is. OLD MAN: You don't understand. You can't stop them. SYDNEY: You don't know me very well. OLD MAN: You're more charming than I could have imagined. I used to believe as you do, that there were decisions to be made. But in the end, it's just fate. It's out of our hands. And now it's just a matter of time. SYDNEY: A matter of time until what? OLD MAN: Until the stars fall from the sky, until the end of light. You have gotten what you came for. The guards will be making rounds soon. You need to go. SYDNEY: Will you be all right? OLD MAN: I'm not a part of the battle to come. Go. Vaughn sees Sydney on the video. VAUGHN: Dixon, I got her. DIXON: I'll call you back. Looks like she's heading back to the women's block. VAUGHN: She must have got what she came for. Maybe she's headed for extraction. A guard escorts Sark to Peyton. GUARD: Good luck with this one. He's all yours. PEYTON: Thank you. (She gets rid of his bonds and takes him along). SARK: Where's Anna? PEYTON: Anna won't be joining us. Sydney runs back to her cell. Sloane was waiting for her. SLOANE: Were you successful? Tell me, Anna... Did you retrieve the rose? SYDNEY: There was nothing there. SLOANE: I don't believe you. (He electrocutes her and Vaughn observes the scene on the screen. Sloane recovers the amulet). Sydney deserved better than an anonymous bullet. You didn't even have the courage to face her. At least I look you in the eye. (He starts to strangle her). VAUGHN: Marshall, talk to me! MARSHALL: There's a grate to the iso ward about 30 yards ahead of you. DIXON: He'll never make it in time. We need to distract Sloane! JACK: Marshall, the surveillance feed they're tapped into, can we use it to get into security controls? DIXON: Marshall, hurry! MARSHALL: Got it. An alarm rings and Syd pushes Sloane who was distracted away. SYDNEY: I don't die that easy. A guard arrives in the cell. GUARD: Sir, we've had a breach. You better get out of here. (Sloane leaves) Stay in your cell. Stay back! (Syd beats the first guard. Vaughn arrives to rescue her and kills the second guard who was about to hit Sydney) VAUGHN: You okay? SYDNEY: Yeah, let's get out of here. (They leave the cell) LOS ANGELES. On a car park, Tom meets Korman, who retrieves diamonds from his car. KORMAN: Thank you. TOM: Why was the hit ordered on my wife? KORMAN: If I tell you, you'll never let me walk away from here. TOM: You have my word. KORMAN: I don't believe you. (He points his weapon on Tom). TOM: Go ahead. Shoot me. First, tell me why she had to die? KORMAN: Truth is, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. TOM: I don't understand. KORMAN: My information said you were picking her up at her job. I was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. You were supposed to be with her. It was a mistake. He died because I thought she was you. I'm going to disappear now. If you come after me, I'll know. And I'll do what I set out to do four years ago. (As Korman drives away, Tom presses a button on his watch and Korman's car explodes). LOS ANGELES. In Sydney's apartment, she and Vaughn watch Isabelle sleep. They kiss above the baby. VAUGHN: This is pretty amazing. SYDNEY: Have you ever seen anything so perfect? VAUGHN: No. You did good. SYDNEY: Thanks. VAUGHN: You're gonna be just like your mom, aren't you? SYDNEY: Oh, I hope not. I hope she's a doctor or a teacher or just anything that does not involve wearing a wig. VAUGHN: I don't know. I think she'd look pretty cute in a little pink wig. Maybe not. You okay? SYDNEY: Yeah, it just...I'm still a little sore, I guess. We came so close, Vaughn. VAUGHN: Syd... SYDNEY: Sloane and Prophet5... They're still out there. VAUGHN: Hey, I thought we agreed tonight it's just us, okay? (Isabelle gets sleep) Oh, my God. All right, the snoring... it kills me. Phone rings. SYDNEY: Hello? SLOANE: It was you, Sydney. Of course. How could I have ever thought otherwise? I saw it in you the first time we met. You're a survivor... just like me. And now thanks to you, I have everything I need...
Plan: A: Sloane; Q: Who is the man who thinks Sydney is Anna? A: Rome; Q: Where does Sloane tell Peyton he wants to kill Sydney? A: a sports betting bar; Q: Where does Sark meet Sydney? A: Sark; Q: Who fakes a seizure to get Sydney out of prison? A: the police; Q: Who did Sark call to get Sydney and Sark arrested? A: the bar; Q: Where does Sark act out a dramatic robbery in order to get Sydney and Sark arrested? A: the prison; Q: Where is the final Rambaldi clue located? A: his final days; Q: Where did Rambaldi spend what time in prison? A: his cell; Q: Where does Sark fake a seizure to get out of? A: the prison doors; Q: What does Sark unlock for Sydney? A: the prison basement; Q: Where does Sydney meet an old man? A: an old man; Q: Who gives Sydney the final Rambaldi clue? A: the battle; Q: What does the old man say he is not part of? A: a stun gun; Q: What does Sloane use to surprise Sydney? A: the necklace; Q: What does Sloane take from Sydney? A: time and Sloane flees; Q: What happens when Vaughn shows up to save Sydney? A: Los Angeles; Q: Where is Vaughn and Sydney when they get the phone call from Sloane? A: Isabelle; Q: Who is Vaughn and Sydney talking about when the phone rings? A: all the artifacts; Q: What does Sloane say he has? A: his endgame; Q: What does Sloane say he can now go through with? Summary: Sydney meets with Sloane, who thinks she is Anna, in order to find out what he knows about where the last Rambaldi clue is located. She tells him that she killed Sydney by shooting her in the back and that there was nothing special about how she died. On the way to Rome, Sloane talks to Peyton, telling her that he wants to kill Anna (Sydney) once she has finished helping him recover the final clue. In a sports betting bar in Rome, Sark, who also thinks she is Anna, meets with Sydney. After calling the police himself, Sark acts out a dramatic robbery in the bar in order to get both of them arrested; this is how they will get into the prison where the final Rambaldi clue is located. It is where Rambaldi himself spent his final days. In separate cells inside the prison, Sark fakes a seizure so he will be taken out of his cell and able to unlock the prison doors for Sydney. When Sydney gets to the prison basement she meets an old man, who gives her a necklace complete with a red pendant, the final Rambaldi clue. The old man does not say who he is, but says that he is not part of the battle which is about to take place. Sydney goes back up to her cell intent on taking the clue for herself, but Sloane appears and surprising her with a stun gun takes the necklace. He then tries to kill her - as he still thinks she is Anna - by choking her, but Vaughn shows up just in time and Sloane flees. Back in Los Angeles, Vaughn and Sydney are looking over Isabelle and talking about her when the phone rings. Sydney answers; Sloane is on the other end. He says he knew it was she who killed Anna and not the other way around. He then says he has all the artifacts and can now go through with his endgame.
Act One. Scene One: The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier is at his console. Frasier: [into mike] It's 4:25 and this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, who's our next caller? Roz: We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors. Frasier: Hello Hank. I'm listening. Hank: Am I on? Frasier: Yes, you are on the air. Hank: Hello, am I on? Frasier: Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone. Hank: Hello? Frasier: Listen, Hank please, you won't be able to hear yourself, we're on a seven-second delay. Hank: Hello, can you hear me? Frasier: Oh, for crying out loud. [hangs up on Hank] Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios. [Roz immediately starts making very large "NO" gestures] No, I mean just those of you who are calling in! Roz, who's our next caller? Roz: We have Marco on line two. He's having problems with his relationship. Frasier: Hello Marco. I'm listening. Marco: Well, I uh, I started seeing this woman two years ago. I think it was two years. Um, it was around Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. The leaves were off the trees and the... Frasier: Close enough. What is your problem, Marco? Marco: Well, it's not really my problem, it's more like her problem. Lately she keeps pressing me for a commitment. Frasier: What's holding you back? Marco: I don't know, I just... I guess I just want to keep my options open. You know, in case somebody better comes along. Frasier: "Somebody better comes along." Somebody better comes along?! Marco, Marco, Marco, do you hear yourself? Marco: No, I turned my radio off after you blasted that other guy. Frasier: Well listen, I suggest you give your motives a thorough examination, and if you can't commit, it's best for both of you to break it off. Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco? Roz: Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco. Frasier: Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship. Roz: Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco. Frasier: What do you think, Seattle? Are there any non-Marcos out there? Or is Roz here destined to live a life of hopeless, loveless spinsterhood? Back after this. He goes off the air. Roz: Gee, I just love it when you include me in your show. [SCENE_BREAK] 'TWAS TWO MONTHS BEFORE CHRISTMAS... Scene Two: Frasier's apartment. The fireplace is decorated with all the Christmas trappings. In front of it is a tree to which Martin is hanging a final bauble. Martin: This is really weird. It's not even Halloween yet. Do we really have to do this now? Daphne: [setting up a camera] If we're going to have a picture for the Christmas card, we've got to make it look like Christmas. Martin: I don't know why we just can't do what my wife and I did - put Frasier and Niles in matching sweaters and sit them on the hood of the old Packard. Daphne: Well, this year we're going to be a little more artistic, right? Martin: Where the hell is Frasier anyway? I could use some help here. Daphne: He's still napping. My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be ninety-three. Martin: Really? Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa, and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say "He might as well be a dead man." Then of course, one day, we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks she'd keep insisting, "He's napping, he's napping". Martin: Okay. I'm going to turn it on. [plugs in fairy lights] Daphne: Oh, it's lovely. She starts singing, Martin joins in. Both: "Deck the halls with boughs of holly; Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! 'Tis the season to be jolly; Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" etc. The carol continues as Frasier comes in, still groggy from his nap. He looks around, at a loss. Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me. [they stop singing] Exactly how long have I been asleep? Martin: Oh good, you're up. Now we can get this picture taken. Frasier: What picture? Daphne: The picture for the Christmas card. We told you about it last week, remember? Frasier: Oh, oh right. Daphne: [handing out woolen hats] Now the theme this year is "Santa's Workshop." Everybody put on your little elf hats. Frasier: I am not putting this on my head. For God's sake, I mean, I'm a respected professional. Martin: [wearing his] But if you don't, it'll look stupid. Frasier: Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one. Martin: Just put the hat on, Frasier. Frasier: You can't tell me what to do. Martin: I am telling you, look, put the hat on. Frasier: No, look, the days are past when you can just sit me on top of some stupid old Packard and make me wear matching sweaters with my little brother. Daphne: Boys, boys please. Don't fight. Are you forgetting what day it is? Frasier: It's October 21st! Martin: Can we just get the picture taken, please? Daphne sets the camera timer and gets into the group huddle. Daphne: Alright, I've got it all set. Fifteen seconds, gents. [realises] Oh, wait. There's something missing. Where's Eddie? Martin: Oh, he's in the bathroom, getting a drink. EDDIE! To the sound of sleigh bells, Eddie appears. To Frasier's ire, he has reindeer antlers tied to his head. The camera flashes. Frasier: Well, I can always pray there's a postal strike. [SCENE_BREAK] M&M;'s AND SYMPATHY Scene Three: Radio Studio Frasier is finishing his show. Frasier: [on air] Well, that's just about it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying go on out there and make it a great evening, Seattle. He goes off the air. Roz enters with one of his studio portraits and a pen.] Roz: Hey, before you go, there's a fan in the hall who'd like your autograph. Frasier: Oh, God. Save me from my adoring fans. He signs the photo then looks out of the window to see a beautiful woman (Catherine) waving at him. Frasier: Ooh... ooh, but not from the adorable ones. He exits into the corridor. Frasier: Hello. Ah, my producer told me you wanted an autograph. Ah, how should I make this out? Catherine: You disgust me! You parasitic fraud! Frasier: Well, that's certainly different from the usual "Best Regards." [moves to escape] Catherine: Wait a minute, don't walk away from me. For once you're going to face the consequences of what happens after you hang up on your callers. Frasier: What consequences? What are you talking about? Catherine: I'm Marco's girlfriend. Excuse me - ex-girlfriend, thanks to you. Frasier: Marco? You mean the Marco who-didn't-want-to-commit Marco? He goes into the booth and she follows him. Catherine: Ah, you damn radio shrinks! You couldn't just tell him to stick with it. That kind of advice doesn't get big ratings. No, "break up with her, get on with your life and ruin hers." Now that's entertainment. Frasier: Now just hold on one minute. Did you actually listen to the show? Catherine: ...No. But Marco told me what you said. Frasier: Oh he did, did he? Did he also mention that he said that he was only staying with you to "keep his options open?" Because that's what he told me. To be exact, he said he was only staying with you "until somebody better came along." Catherine: He said that? Frasier: He said that to most of Seattle. Apparently you're the only one who missed it. Catherine: So, it wasn't that he didn't want to commit. He just didn't want to commit to me. [starts to cry] Frasier: Well I'm... I'm terribly sorry I had to tell you. But, um, at least now you know the truth. Oh, no-no-no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here. With his usual tact, he places a folder over the mike to protect it from her tears. Catherine: Ooh, boy, I can really pick 'em, can't I? Frasier: Oh no, don't go there. Look, this is not your fault. You are a terrifically attractive young woman - I mean, maybe a bit overemotional... Catherine: [buries her head in Frasier's shoulder] OOHH! Frasier: [hugging her] Oh, yes. There, there. Shh... listen, can I... can I get you something? Catherine: No. Frasier: A drink of water? Catherine: No. Frasier: [lost, looks around and sees the candy machine] M&M;'s? Catherine: [they break] Plain or peanut? Frasier: Whichever you like. Catherine: Peanut. He goes to the vending machine in the corridor. She follows. Catherine: I should have seen this coming. I mean, the guy practically had a coronary when I brought a toothbrush over to keep at his apartment. Frasier: [handing over packet] Here. Catherine: Thank you. You want one? Frasier: Ah, no thanks. Ah, why don't you have a seat here. [indicates chair] Catherine: Thank you. [sits crossed-legged] Frasier: But listen, if... if he was that resistant, why did you stay with him? Catherine: I had a lot invested in him. Frasier: Yes, but that's no reason to settle for someone who isn't madly in love with you. Catherine: Well, right now I'm not sure there are any men out there who are actually capable of falling madly in love. Frasier: Of course there are. You know, at the most basic level men and women are the same. We both need to be loved, and to love someone, we both want to feel that we matter to someone and that someone matters to us. And making a commitment to another human being is the ultimate expression of our humanity. Catherine: Wow. Your wife is really lucky. Frasier: I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over... well, maybe I will have one of those M&M;'s. [takes packet, helps himself] Catherine: Oh, boy. Why are relationships always so hard? Hey, [indicating Frasier's choice of M&M;] you like the yellow ones too, huh? Frasier: Yeah. You know, people try to tell you they're the same but... Catherine: I know. Frasier: But they're not. Catherine: No. Frasier: Well, you know, relationships don't always have to be so hard. I remember back in med school, I heard of a documented case where a man and a woman met, got along, and actually lived happily ever after. Catherine: Yeah, I don't mind the happily ever after part. It's the dating part. If I have to tell one more stranger the fascinating story of my life over more Italian cuisine I'm gonna choke on a breadstick! Frasier: [laughs, then sits crossed-legged as well, mimicking her] I know. You know, I just keep thinking that maybe we can just resume this over appetizers. Catherine: Oh, no, no. Half the time I'm ready to exchange goodbyes over appetizers. Frasier: Well, at least you don't get stuck with the bill. Catherine: God, you haven't dated much lately, have you? Frasier: No. I usually end up in restaurants alone. Catherine: Oh, I can't do that. I even have to turn on the TV at home so at least it feels that there's someone else in the room. Frasier: Is that what you'll be doing tonight? Catherine: [eats an M&M; from Frasier's hand] Well, unless I just keep eating M&M;'s, which is a distinct possibility. Frasier finishes the packet in one go. [SCENE_BREAK] KISS ME, KATE Scene Four: Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Catherine are sitting at a table. She is reading his palm. Frasier: "Soft and supple, yet strong, right down to the beautiful almond- shaped nails." You really see all of that in my hand? Catherine: Mmm. I'm late. I gotta go to work. Frasier: Oh, wait, wait. We haven't decided what we're gonna do tonight. Ah, Antonio's? Le Cigar Volante? Catherine: We've gone out for the last three nights, why don't we just stay in, huh? Frasier: That's a great idea. I'll tell you what. I'll uh, send dad and Daphne off to the movies. I'll cook for you. Be at my place at eight. Catherine: Oh, I won't be able to make it 'til eight-thirty, I gotta change, okay? Frasier: Oh, no-no-no-no. Don't ever change - I like you just the way you are. [everybody in the Cafe groans; to group:] Oh, come on, come on, I'm a little out of practice. Catherine: I'll see you later, okay? [They kiss... a long kiss. Long enough for Niles to see them through the window.] Catherine: Bye. She exits, Niles enters. He joins Frasier Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?! Frasier: Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz. Niles: [to waitress] Coffee. Frasier: Her name is Catherine. Niles: So? How long have you known her? Frasier: Three days. Niles: Have you two, uh...? Frasier: No. As if it's any of your business. Niles: But you're, uh..? Frasier: Well, yes. Soon. Niles: [nods, then, unsure:] We are talking about...? Frasier: Of course we are. Niles: [still unsure:] ...s*x, right? Frasier: Yes! Niles: [his coffee arrives] Ooh, so-so-so... how did you two meet? Frasier: Well, I mean, it was one of those funny things, she came down to the radio station to chew me out. Niles: [picks up sugar packet and starts shaking it] You're kidding. Frasier: No. A few days earlier her boyfriend had called into the show, and I advised him to break up with her. The sugar goes everywhere as Niles gives an involuntary jerk. Niles: Frasier, Frasier, where are your ethics? You can't date someone who's involved with one of your patients. Frasier: Marco is not a patient, he's a caller. There's a huge difference. Besides, I talked to him days before I met Catherine. Niles: Mmm, rationalization - the last refuge of the unsound argument. Frasier: Oh, rationalization, is that what you're going pull now? They argue for a few moments. Frasier: Oh Niles, I am not rationalizing! There is nothing wrong here. Niles: As long as your conscience is clear. I'm not sure mine would be. Frasier: Well frankly, I don't care about your conscience. I don't need your approval, I don't need you to like it. Frankly, I don't need you for anything. [gets ready to leave] By the way, Niles, my car's in the shop, I need you to give me a ride home tonight. Niles: No problem. End Of Act One. Act Two. HE'S BAACK Scene One: The radio station, Roz's booth. Frasier enters from corridor. Roz: Twenty seconds. And I've got news for you: Marco's on line two. Frasier: [feigning ignorance] Marco? Roz: Oh, you know. The guy you got out of the way so you could keep his girlfriend for yourself? [Frasier goes into the recording booth] Ten seconds. Frasier: I'm not talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. There's no way I'm talking to him. Roz: Three, two... Frasier: [on air] Hi, we're back. Roz, whom do we have on the line? Roz: We have Marco on line two. Frasier: Who's this on line three? Roz: Ooh, Todd. [disconnects line] Oh darn, we lost Todd. [Frasier is not amused] But lucky for you we still have Marco on line two. Frasier: Thank you, Roz. [to caller] Hello, Marco. Marco: Hi, Dr. Crane. I spoke to you the other day and I took your advice. I broke up with my girlfriend. Frasier: Well, what can I say but, ah... Bravo, Marco! Roz, who's our next caller? [SCENE_BREAK] We cut to Niles, driving in his car. We can hear Marco through his radio. Marco: [on radio:] Wait, wait-wait-wait. You haven't heard my problem. I think she's already dating someone else. It really makes me nuts. Cut to studio: Frasier: What makes you think she's seeing someone else? Marco: Well, the other night I couldn't get her on the phone. So I drove by her house, and I saw her parked outside talking to some guy in a black BMW. Frasier: Did you, ah... get a good look at the guy? Marco: No. It was too dark. I think I made a big mistake, Doc. Do you think I should ask her to take me back? Frasier: No! What I mean is, ah... no. Marco, you don't want your ex- girlfriend back, you just don't want anybody else to have her. Isn't that true? Marco: Well, I... Frasier: No, it's called jealousy, Marco. Now you've got to stop spying on your ex-girlfriend and get on with your life. Borrow a page from my book - ah, move to a new city, a new state. Find out why everybody's talking about Pittsburgh! In his car, Niles is shocked. In the studio, Frasier hangs up on Marco. Frasier: We'll be right back after these messages. He goes to commercial, looks over and sees Roz glaring at him. Frasier: What?! [SCENE_BREAK] HOW AM I DRIVING? Scene Two: Niles's car. He has just picked up Frasier. Frasier: Thanks for coming to get me, Niles. Niles: No problem, Frasier. Just a few miles out of my way. At rush hour. But I didn't mind, really. Gave me a chance to listen to your show. [looks pointedly at Frasier] Frasier: I see. Niles: I just have one question for you: can you honestly tell me that the advice you gave Marco was based on his best interests and not on your own? Frasier: Well, that's an interesting question, Niles. And I'll tell you something. I don't care. I'm in love, and I don't care. Catherine is mine now. I'm in, and Marco's out. Niles: You're insane. Frasier: Perhaps. But you just ran a stop sign. [Niles slams on the brakes] Now we're in the middle of the intersection. [car horns blare, Niles drives on] I'll tell you, Niles, I, ah... I haven't Felt this way in ages. There's an excitement about this. I, I feel tingly. Niles: What's your stomach have to say about this? Frasier: My stomach? Niles: I definitely know what I'm talking about. Ever since you were a child, if you even approached a breach of ethics you'd get queasy. Actually, you'd get physically sick. Frasier: Well, at least when it came to ethics I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds. Niles: Remember the time we lifted that dollar bill from mom's change purse? We left quite a gruesome trail back to the tree house that day. Frasier: Ah, but you see, Niles, you've proved my point. I'm not the least bit queasy, I'm fine. My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system, they're all shouting the same thing - It's okay! [looks around] Niles? Niles, this is a new car? Niles: Yes, actually it is. Patient of mine got me a huge break on a lease. [puts his finger to his nose] Frasier, do you have a handkerchief? [SCENE_BREAK] THE OBLIGATORY s*x SCENE Scene Three: Frasier's Apartment. He and Catherine have just finished their meal and are clearing up. Catherine: Mmm. That was the most delicious salmon Marseilles I've ever tasted. Frasier: Well, maybe you should try my "salmon-chanted evening." Catherine: Oh, no. Tell me you didn't say that. Frasier: No, it was just the Laffite talking. "Laffite don't fail me now." Catherine: C'mon, stop, stop. Catherine gets up and follows him into the kitchen, where he is washing their plates in the sink. Catherine: So, have you ever made love in the kitchen? Frasier: [he drops and smashes a plate in the sink] Well, the ah, dishes are done. They kiss, ending up on the floor. From behind the cooktop we hear... Catherine: Mmm, ah, ah... Frasier: Mmm, oh, ah... [then:] Aaugh! [he stands up] Catherine: What was that? Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm suddenly feeling a little queasy. Maybe I'm just not a kitchen person. He goes into the living room. Catherine follows. Catherine: Well ah, maybe you're just a little too warm, huh? [starts to unbutton his shirt] Yeah? Frasier: Well, yeah. Catherine: Oh, God... Frasier: Yeah, that's it. You know, you look awfully warm too. Catherine: Oh, I am. Frasier: [unbuttons her blouse] Oh, my God. Catherine: Yes, oh... They embrace again, falling onto Martin's chair. It starts to vibrate. Frasier whacks it and it ceases. Frasier: I'm sorry. Would you... would you mind if we, if we moved to the sofa? I'm not going to be out-performed by a Barcalounger. Catherine: No. [they move, Frasier carrying Catherine] Frasier: Oh, this is good. Catherine: Yes, it is. Frasier: This is better Catherine: Oh... They get down to it again, until inevitably... Frasier: Eee-ugh! Catherine: What?! Was I kneeling on you? Frasier: Really, maybe I need some fresh air. [moves to balcony] Are you okay? Catherine: Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. Frasier: Oh damn, it wasn't the fish! Catherine: You know there's a bug going round. Frasier: It's not a bug. Catherine: Well what is it, then? Frasier: It's us. Every time we touch and kiss I get queasy. Catherine: What are you telling me? That the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach? Frasier: Yes, but don't take it personally! Catherine: [sarcastic] Well, why would I? Frasier: It's, it's not you. Ah, it's, it's me. Every time I come close to breaching my ethics, I-I end up getting sick. Catherine: What are you talking about? Frasier: Marco called into the show today and... he said he was thinking of getting back with you and I told him not to. Catherine: So? Frasier: Well, I just have a feeling that... maybe I told him that not because it was good for him, but because it was good for me. Catherine: Oh, Frasier, who cares? [kisses him] Frasier: Well, I do. I care. You know? Look, any psychiatrist worth his salt would care. That's why we don't get involved with our patients. Or their girlfriends. Catherine: Are you, are you saying you want to break up with me? Frasier: No, I don't want to. I have to. If I don't, I'll throw up all over your shoes. Catherine: I can't believe this is happening. God, how can this be so easy for you? Frasier: Easy?! This is killing me! You think I don't want to pick you up right now, carry you over to that Eames classic and show you why it's the best-engineered chair in the world?! Catherine: Well, why don't you then? Frasier: I told you, I can't. Catherine: Oh! And nothing I can say will change your mind? Frasier: I'm sorry. Catherine: Well thank you, Dr. Crane! First you screw things up with Marco, and now you're dumping me? God! And to think I was going to have s*x with you. [twisting the knife] And it was going to be hot. Oh, like you've never had before. I'm talking raw, steamy, sweat-dripping-down-your-back, neighbors- pounding-on-the-wall, ILLEGAL-IN-FORTY-EIGHT-STATES-KIND-OF-SEX! But, hey! You're okay, you won't be alone tonight. No, you've got your ETHICS! She picks up her coat and goes to the door. Catherine: Oh, by the way... the fish was dry. [exits] Frasier: Oh, that was a cheap shot! He goes and sits on his Eames. Eddie joins him. Frasier: How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions you face are "who's going to walk me?" "Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years. End Of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] A series of snapshots from the Christmas card shoot.
Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who gives advice to Marco to break off his relationship with Catherine? A: a caller; Q: Who is Marco? A: Catherine; Q: Who is Marco's girlfriend? A: Amanda Donohoe; Q: Who plays Catherine? A: Niles; Q: Who questions Frasier's ethics when he ends up going on a date with Catherine? Summary: Frasier gives advice to a caller, Marco, to break off his relationship with his girlfriend, Catherine (Amanda Donohoe), because of his inability to commit. Niles questions Frasier's ethics when he ends up going on a date with Catherine.
Narrator: America's top ghost hunters relive their most extreme assignments. (Woman screaming) This house is beyond haunted. Narrator: Hardened veterans of the paranormal, these are the cases that truly tested them. There was an evil presence in that house. Oh, (bleep). What the hell? I got goose bumps. It's here. Narrator: In Arizona, investigators run into multiple entities in a museum, with dangerous results. I felt electric energy just pulsating through my body. I was paralyzed. Narrator: In Illinois, one ghost hunter gets the fright of her life in a haunted cemetery. It was one of the strongest experiences I've had. Narrator: And, in Texas, an investigator is called in to save a family from the demonic spirit of a murderer. Whatever's in there is bad. Narrator: On the westernmost outskirts of phoenix lies the quiet town of buckeye, Arizona. It's home to a small museum devoted to local history. But when the doors close at night, staff report that more than just history is being brought to life. Objects mysteriously move out of their cases. Disembodied foot steps echo through the hallways. And shadowy figures loom out of the darkness. (Screams) Narrator: Concerned for its employees, the museum enlists the help of paranormal investigators. There's so many people saying the same thing over and over and over again. There had to be something to it. Narrator: Husband-wife team, jay and Marie Yates, are the co-founders of C.O.P.S., the Crossing Over Paranormal Society. I've been investigating since the late 1990s. I've been on countless investigations. My husband and team members call me "ghost bait." Things happen to me. It could be a scratch. It can be a bruise, fainting, happened to me on cases. Narrator: They're among Arizona's most respected ghost hunters. I did 10 years in law enforcement. And I'm gonna prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is life after death. That's why I'm here. Narrator: Jay and Marie arranged for their seven-strong crew to spend the night in the museum to see if they can experience the activity for themselves. Jay: It was the first time we had ever investigated a museum. It was something that the team was looking forward to, I was looking forward to. Narrator: First, they rig the museum with equipment. Jay: The plan is to essentially go in, to set up our DVR units, to set up our cameras. We also put some trigger objects like blocks and, you know, wooden balls inside of a sand pit to see if anything would move those things. Narrator: They also set up a chalk board, hoping to communicate with any entities present. Marie: I decided to write, "come play with the C.O.P.S. Crew." I grabbed the chalk, started writing it. Narrator: Almost as soon as their gear is in place, team member Michael Papp sees something out of the ordinary. And this is a sceptical guy. This is a guy that has a scientific background. But he's legitimately saying he's seeing a female standing right next to me. He described a woman with slender physique standing right next to me. Narrator: As they search for the shadow, they notice a message on the chalkboard. Jay: I'm just saying. Narrator: The number 7 is significant. There are seven team members on the investigation. At first, Marie thinks it's a prank. I did ask each one of our investigators, and no one actually did it. It just kind of suddenly hit me, like, "did that really happen?" On the video, it actually shows that there was nothing on there, then all of a sudden there's a 7. I didn't write 7. I know that you didn't write... So that was the one time I will say, "okay, what's going on?" Narrator: To find out who or what wrote on the chalkboard, Marie and investigator Jamie set up a flashlight experiment. The purpose of the flashlight test is just a sign to see if we can get any kind of response. Okay. There's two flashlights right here. They will not harm you. We'll ask, like, "are you a male?" Um, and it might light up something. Jamie and I probably sat doing the flashlight test 20 minutes. We had some really good response. Narrator: Having established contact, they try to find out more about the entity. Marie: We notice there's a lot of military stuff. So we asked, "are you part of the military?" And it flashed. Narrator: And that's not all. Marie: We felt things moving. Sort of like, you know, when something behind you is just moving around. And you're just like, "okay, what is that?" You know, but we didn't catch anything on video or anything. Narrator: Nevertheless, the team are excited to head deeper into the museum. To have that much activity in such a short amount of time was pretty significant. Narrator: Their next focus is an exhibit from the town's old theater. Marie: There are some seats and some other equipment that was actually a part of that theater. It was a very important building to a lot of people in buckeye. Jay: We were using a RIMPA device. And, essentially, it sounds an alarm if there's any high level of electronic magnetic field that passes over the top of this device. We think ghosts are primarily made of energy, and that's why we used these devices. Boom. It sounded off. Marie: Can you stop now if that is really... Narrator: Suddenly, the activity intensifies. I started to see what appeared to be, like, shadows of people walking towards me. And it was one after another. Narrator: In Arizona, investigators jay and Marie Yates have made contact with spirits in a museum. I started to see shadows of people walking towards me. And it was one after another, 15 to 20 shadowy figures just, like, crossed right through me. And I felt that cold electric energy just pulsating through my body. I turned around, and, like, something was getting to him. It happened so quickly, I was paralyzed where I couldn't move. Like, I was stuck there. There was no way out of it. I was scared. I was like, "what's wrong? what's wrong?" Jay! oh, my god. Jay, are you okay? Michael! It felt like I was going through it for probably 15 to 20 minutes when, in reality, it was maybe a 30-second experience. Narrator: Eventually the shadow figures vanish, leaving jay stunned. The feeling of being drained, physically drained, exhausted... Come on. ...To the point to where your body hurts, you're aching. Come on. He just wanted to get out of that area. We need to get him out of here. Narrator: Marie and the team help move jay to safety. But the spirits are not done with them yet. While they check jay over for injuries... Marie feels irresistibly drawn to another exhibit. I actually was walking in there, and I started feeling like I was under water. (Gasping) And she starts getting heaviness in her chest. (Gasping) And I couldn't breathe. It was just almost like water was in my lungs. I was scared, and I was like, "oh, my goodness, am I gonna stop breathing?" (Coughs) Narrator: Recovering from his own attack, jay notices Marie is missing. Where's Marie? Marie! Marie! Jay followed me and was like, "what's wrong? what's wrong?" Jay: And she's whispering to me, "jay, like, I'm having trouble breathing. I feel like I'm under water or something." I can't breathe. Marie! So I take her out of the environment immediately. As soon as I left that room, it was like nothing happened. My whole breath. I was... (Inhales, exhales) Just like when you lift your head out of the water in a swimming pool, that's exactly how I felt as soon as I exited. I couldn't breathe. I just... Let's go! move it! Narrator: Shocked by their attacks and fearing what might happen next, Marie and jay decide to call an end to the investigation. It was time for us to back off a little bit, you know, in respect to the spirits and, you know, go and review our evidence. Narrator: Later, when jay and Marie looked deeper into the history of the museum, they discover something that may explain Marie's attacks. Marie: A lot of people don't even know this, but back in the early 1900s, there was a pool in buckeye. It's completely filled in now. We found out that there was a kid that actually drowned in the pool that was maybe 25 feet away from where she was standing. Marie: When I found out about the young girl that actually drowned, I came to realize that I actually might have been sensing what she actually was feeling in that swimming pool. Narrator: Jay and Marie present the museum with their findings. We showed what we had captured and everything that had happened, and they were very interested in our findings. Some of the employees are happy that they're not the only ones. They thought they were going crazy. (Screams) Jay: My conclusion with the buckeye museum is I really think that there's a lot of residual hauntings that are attached to these items. I believe that though they meant a lot to these people in life, they mean a lot to them in death. Narrator: But there's also a warning for the museum's owners. The place is haunted. They have ghosts. The experience with these shadows just coming right through me, seeing my wife, like, have trouble breathing, me having to pull her out of that environment, there definitely was some dangers associated to that investigation. Marie! Narrator: Coming up... An investigator is called in by family being terrorized by an angry and violent ghost. But first, while investigating a haunted graveyard, one ghost hunter encounters the full power of the paranormal. It is the most haunted place I've ever been. Narrator: In a forgotten patch of Chicago's south-western suburbs lies the old bachelor's grove cemetery. Its last funeral was held over 50 years ago. But the souls buried here have a worrying reputation for not resting in peace. Bachelor's grove cemetery is known as one of the most haunted cemeteries in the world. It is, without a doubt, the most haunted place I've ever been. Narrator: It's not just the graveyard. The bordering forest is said to be a place of darkness and terror. The woods surrounding the cemetery have a very malicious quality about them. Numerous murders that have occurred there, numerous suicides, bodies found in the woods, a lot of very dark history. Dave: It does have a history of being visited by satanic worshippers, people who are sacrificing animals. It was also known as a place where the mobsters, during the 1920s, would dump bodies. Narrator: Over the years, multiple witnesses have reported mysterious and terrifying activity in the cemetery. Many people see this old man standing by the front entrance to the cemetery holding a lantern. As they neared him, he just vanished right before their eyes. The cemetery is also very famous for one particular phantom known as the Madonna of bachelor's grove. This is a classic woman in white seen walking through the cemetery. Some say that she is seen holding a baby. Some say that she is looking for a baby that has died or that she's lost. Bachelor's grove is a very special place. There's something very different going on there. Narrator: Chicago-based paranormal researcher Ursula Bielski is fascinated by bachelor's grove cemetery. She's been an investigator for over 20 years, but the spirit world has shaped her entire life. My very first memory is of a paranormal experience. I was 3 years old. I was woken up in my crib by the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. It was confusing, terrifying. That's why I went on to be what I am today. There's so much happening that science does not explain. And so it's our job to work on those things because they're not. Narrator: Hoping to experience and document the paranormal activity herself, Ursula heads to the cemetery with a colleague, Daniel. Ursula: When we got to the entrance to the cemetery, there was just this feeling -- This electrical feeling in the air. Narrator: Taking this as a sign that spirits are near, Ursula sets up their equipment. Ursula: We wanted to do an experiment using a piece of equipment from the 19th century. Many spiritualists, in their séances, would use a spirit trumpet, which is a long aluminum cone. Mediums would use them to amplify voices of the spirits. So we wondered, would that amplify the EVPS that we were trying to collect. Narrator: EVPS, or electronic voice phenomena, are voices captured on recording devices believed to belong to paranormal entities. Ursula: I was recording with a laptop at these various grave sites. Narrator: They don't have to wait long before the spirits make contact. I probably recorded 30 people saying "hi," "Hey," "hello," In all different accents, in all different voices. Narrator: But at one grave, Ursula records an EVP that sends shivers down her spine. Narrator: In Illinois, investigator Ursula Bielski is hunting for entities that haunt an old cemetery. But at one particular grave, no hunting is necessary. Ursula: We were recording at the Fulton stone, which marks the graves of numerous members of one of the most prominent and influential families in the area. There's a portion of the recording where you hear Daniel and myself chatting. And all of a sudden, you hear this very gruff male voice say, "Daniel, I'm talking to you now. Daniel." It was one of the strongest EVPS, strongest experiences I've ever had. Narrator: Despite being shaken that the entity knows Daniel's name, Ursula tries to communicate further. But she gets no response. Ursula: The frustrating thing about bachelor's grove is there's so little feedback. You won't get people telling you their names or how they died. Narrator: Frustrated, Daniel heads home, while Ursula has arranged a tour of the haunted woods that surround the cemetery. Yeah, yeah, I'm coming to you. Narrator: She heads to meet her guide, Jason. He was a steward at Bachelor's Grove cemetery, walk the trails there blindfolded, you know, at night in a snow storm. He knew every inch of the entire area. Narrator: Ursula tells Jason to show her the site where witnesses have reported the most paranormal activity. We came to a clearing. There was this eruption of lights that went on for many minutes, like paparazzi cameras. It was like all these flash bulbs were going off one after another after another, hundreds of them. It was a very threatening feeling in the woods that surround the cemetery. Narrator: Feeling unsafe, Ursula calls an end to her investigation. I was a mom of two young girls at that time, so I wanted to get home. [SCENE_BREAK] We kept walking and walking. After a while, I realized that we were lost. The entire forest area is less than half a square mile. Normally, it should take less than 25 minutes to walk across it. We walked in circles for hours. Do you know where you're going? There was no way for him to be lost, and yet he was. It was such a feeling of terror. He was overwhelmed. Narrator: Ursula begins to suspect that their plight is no accident. Something wants to keep them in the woods. Both of our phones lost their GPS signals. Our batteries, we could see, were dying by the minute. We could not find our way out. Most chilling of all, we kept seeing the lights of houses and cars going by. And we would go, "oh, thank god." And then we would get to where they were, and it was like we were swallowed up in a vacuum. No sound, no lights. We were just in the middle of the woods again by ourselves. And this happened over and over and over again. There was something out there that was messing with us, terrorizing us. Narrator: With the hours ticking by, Ursula's husband, David, becomes concerned. She was supposed to come home, and I can recall telephoning her on my cellphone, you know, "where you at?" 'Cause I had the kids and she was supposed to be home so i started getting worried. Aah! (Groans) I have never been so afraid in my life, being in the middle of this place you cannot find your way out of because there's something that is not going to let you. Narrator: In a haunted cemetery in Illinois, paranormal forces have trapped investigator Ursula Bielski in the woods. There was something out there messing with us, terrorizing us. All right. Narrator: After what feels like an eternity, the malevolent force finally releases them. We were lost for almost 4 1/2 hours, walking around in circles and circles. (Panting) And when we finally found the half-out we were in a completely different place than we thought we were. It was impossible that we could've been lost in such a small area for such a long time. When I saw my car, I can't ever remember being so relieved in my life. Dave: When I finally got a hold of her, she was very, very upset. (Sobbing) I don't know. She couldn't believe that they got lost and couldn't find their way out, and, you know, she was scared. We were in there for, like, hours. There's really nothing quite like the feeling of being lost in the woods, first of all. And then we finally got out. On top of that, the feeling that there's something actually trying to hurt you, trying to intimidate you. (Sobs) I have never been as scared as that night when we were lost in bachelor's grove. (Engine starts) Narrator: The experience has traumatized Ursula so much that she refuses to go into the woods around bachelor's grove cemetery to this day. It's a unique place, and it totally deserves its reputation. Narrator: But she is still studying it from afar, trying to unlock the secret of its dark paranormal forces. There's some sort of energy field or some sort of force or some flaw or mark on the land itself that goes back. The native Americans tell us that there are just cursed tracts of land all around our country. And investigators find often that these cursed tracts of land line up with some of our most haunted locations. I really strongly believe that there was something about this land. It's extremely powerful. Narrator: When a family is terrorized by a violent spirit, they are shocked to learn that their attacker has a murderous past. The small southern Texas town of san Benito appears to be a regular place. It's home to Angie Copeland and her two sons. But their life is anything but ordinary. Ever since they moved in, their home has been haunted by the ghost of a young boy. Rather than be afraid, the family has learned to live with the spirit. Angie's sons even play with him. Over time, the spirit almost becomes one of the family. But the harmony between the living and the dead will not last long. In 2012, a new spirit appears, and it's definitely not friendly. Get out of my house! get out of my house! Get out of my house! (screams) Narrator: In Texas, a family has befriended the spirit of a small boy who haunts their home. But things take a sinister and frightening turn when a new entity appears. Get out of my house! get out of my house! (Screams) Its arrival coincides with a spate of terrifying and painful events. Ow! ow! Aah! aah! Angie's sons are attacked in their beds at night, leaving them covered in painful scratches. Terrified, angle reaches out to a paranormal investigator for help. George: She told me, "I fear for the life of my kids." The scratches, they couldn't have done it themselves. Any time that you have scratches on your body without anybody doing, that's paranormal. Narrator: George Acosta is a former minister who now devotes his life to helping those plagued by dark and demonic forces. I've been investigating the paranormal for 15 years. When I do an investigation, I go based on a spiritual view. Evil exists like goodness exists. We need to have faith in god, and that faith becomes courage, and then the courage will overcome the fear. George agrees to take on Angie's case and attempt to remove the negative entity. The child spirit is okay. He hasn't done anything wrong. But the male spirit, that's the one I'm concerned. Narrator: When George and fellow investigator, Rick Castañeda arrive at the house, he's struck by a wave of negative energy. We pulled up. George had started feeling very bad. He said his leg started hurting him. He felt nausea. George: And I started having a real bad headache. You okay, boss? And I told rick, "whatever's in there is bad. I can feel it. I can sense it." I have never seen George like that, to that extent. Narrator: Despite a deep sense of foreboding, George and rick head inside. But angle has some troubling news. She, too, has been attacked by the male spirit. She's limping. And I asked her "what happened to you? Then she told us she had gotten pushed. She fell and had hurt her ankle. That entity had done that to her. George: She was terrified. You could see it in her eyes. So that's when I prayed for her. Give us this day our daily bread. I put holy water on her feet. I got oil and put a cross on her. Narrator: George and rick start the investigation by looking for signs of the male spirit. But to their surprise, everything seems calm and quiet. Went all the way around the house, we couldn't find nothing. But when I get to the utility room... (Growling) ...That's where I heard the growl. 'Cause I've heard growls before, and it would always lead up to something not too good. The growl was like a type of an animal, like, (growls) (Growling) Like, "you're not wanted here." It's showing it's aggressiveness towards George. I said, "George, gonna have problems." He said, "yeah, I know, rick. I know." Narrator: Pushing aside his fear, George enters the utility room. He turned to me, he says, "you smell that? It smells like sulfur." And that's how I felt that there was evilness in that place. Not your regular spirit but evilness. A demon was in there. Narrator: George warns angle that the male entity is likely demonic. He tells her to leave the house immediately and promises to return tomorrow to perform a cleansing ritual. I felt that I had given her hope that there is a solution to her problem and that I could help her. Narrator: But this entity isn't going to make it easy. The next morning, George wakes up to make a painful discovery. My two ankles were swollen like Angie's, not just one but both of them. (George groans) That's not good. I know that this situation in my legs is not normal. Rick: George calls me. He says, "rick, my leg is killing me." And I said, "George, you need to go to the doctor." He says, "no, I know what it is." Narrator: Suspecting it to be the work of the demon in Angie's house, George asks a medium friend for help. And she said, "when you went to pray for angle, whatever she had in her foot, you got it now." Narrator: She also has some shocking news about the entities plaguing angle. It's the father. She tells me there's a boy entity, which is the son, and there's the male entity, which is the father. Narrator: In Texas, paranormal investigator George Acosta has been attacked by the very entity he's been asked to remove. My two ankles were swollen. That's not good. Narrator: Now George's medium friend has some shocking news about the spirit's past. It's the father. She tells me there's a boy entity, which is the son, and there's the male entity, which is the father. Narrator: But this was no happy family. George: The father abused the little boy, his son, to the point that he strangled him. The father, he's the one that's mad and is causing chaos in that home. He's evil. Now the family is paying the price, scratching the kids, trying to abuse them, scaring the mom. I'm dealing with a ghost that's evil, a ghost that's a murderer. Narrator: Despite the pain in his ankles, George returns to Angie's house with rick, ready to begin one of the toughest cleanses he has ever faced. I got my whole gear, but this time, I bring a metal pot with some spices called the three kings to give it more power. And I start fumigating the whole place. I start performing my cleansing in each room. I recite the lord's prayer, use the holy water, use the olive oil, and bless the room, purify it and seal it. He did his anointment and cleansing a couple times. He wanted to make sure nothing would ever hurt these people again. Narrator: George and rick cleanse the house room by room. They leave the utility room to last. It was very quiet till we got to that back room. When we tried to get in there, door wouldn't open. I'm putting a lot of holy water there. The growl was definitely from the man that took his son's life away. Rick: He was trying to show that he was the one in charge. Scare tactics. He didn't realize George wasn't gonna stand for that. George: And I told him, "open the door." It just opened. We went in, and George did what he had to do. George: I told the spirit, "go into the light or get the hell out of here. You don't belong here." Rick: The cleansing, it is a battle of wills. Narrator: The demonic entity is so powerful, it is able to resist George's cleanse. So, and I'm starting to wonder now, "what did I get myself into?" Narrator: George redoubles his efforts. George: I said, "spirit, I command you to go into the light or you leave this place in the name of Jesus. The family doesn't want you. Nobody wants you in here." I command you in the name of Jesus -- leave this home! It had a choice. Either go into the light or get out of dodge. Narrator: Eventually, George begins to get the upper hand. And no more noises. All the banging stopped. And there's peace. There is harmony. And rick says, "I don't sense nothing here no more, George. It's gone." We noticed a change in the atmosphere in the house. You know, it was no longer stale. Narrator: The cleanse appears to have worked, but George is unwilling to take any risks with such a powerful entity. I gather the family, pray for everybody. The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Angie just looked at us and thanked us. And she was very happy, very happy. Angie was very content that her children were safe. Rick: It makes me feel good knowing that we can help somebody. And for those that don't believe, you got to experience it. Narrator: Finally at peace and free of his tormentor, George believes the little boy's spirit has gone to a better place. The little boy probably went to heaven to find freedom, to find his family. Narrator: Unfortunately for George, not everything goes back to normal. (George groans) His epic battle with the demon has a lasting and painful effect. This case has been haunting me for five years. I'm still sick from my legs. Whatever angle had, it attached to me. I have to go to somebody stronger than me that can get rid of this curse. Get out of my house! get out of my house!
Plan: A: an investigator; Q: Who is trapped by spirits in a haunted Chicago cemetery? A: a haunted Chicago cemetery; Q: Where did an investigator decide to explore? A: A ghost hunter; Q: Who is asked to remove a spirit that's attacking a young boy? A: Arizona; Q: Where are investigators attacked in a museum plagued by paranormal activity? Summary: When an investigator decides to explore a haunted Chicago cemetery, she is trapped by spirits. A ghost hunter is asked to remove a spirit that's attacking a young boy. In Arizona, investigators are attacked in a museum plagued with paranormal activity.
Lucas: (V.O.) Previously on "One Tree Hill..." Durham: Look, I've got an opening in my lineup. Varsity. What do you say? Lucas: What do you want? Nathan: What do you want, man? I mean, other than my girlfriend and my spot in the lineup? Nathan: He's got our last name, dad. Dan: I can't change the fact this kid exists. Karen: You have no right to think of him-not today, or any other day of his life! How dare you? Haley: You're a really good guy and I'm glad we're friends. Nathan: You and me, one on one. Peyton: So, what if he wins? What does he get? Nathan: He gets you. Lucas: This is for my mom. Mouth: Luke for the win! Peyton: I want to draw something that means something to someone, but I can't. It's too important to me. Nathan: I can describe Lucas in one word. @#%$. Nathan: He wasn't swinging at me, dad. He was swinging at you. Lucas: I felt like he had a piece of me. I never felt like that on the playground. Karen: Well, I say he's taken enough from us. Durham: You're gonna be okay. Lucas: Yeah, I am. [Cheers and applause] TEASER -INT. School Gym - Night [Cheers and applause] Durham: Time out! Announcer: (O.S.) Under twenty-five seconds to go, the Ravens trail by two. Durham: We're running black for Nathan. If they double you, fight through them and take your shot when we have five seconds left. Let's go. Tim: Ravens on three. One, two, three, Ravens! Announcer: So, a quick time out and the Ravens take to the court, their undefeated record at stake, 18 seconds left on the clock. They need a basket to tie, or a 3-pointer for the win. Jagielski to the inbound finds Guy Smith out top. We're under 10 seconds now. Smith dumps it down to Nathan Scott, and he's double teamed, but he forces up a 7-footer. It kicks off the heel of the rim. Jake Jagielski, though with an offensive rebound, with under 5 seconds on the clock, Jagielski out to Lucas Scott, he is behind the 3-point line. The Ravens are going to win or lose it right here. [Buzzer Sounds] [Swish of basket] [Cheering and applauding] Announcer: Unbelievable! Lucas Scott with the 3-pointer at the buzzer, and the Tree Hill Ravens are still undefeated! And I tell you what, if you're going to play the Ravens this season, you better take note, there is a new Scott in town! [SCENE_BREAK] -INT. School gym - Night Lucas has changed and is walking over to his mom and Keith. Man: Nice game, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks. (high five Keith) Keith: You rock. Lucas: Thanks, Uncle Keith. (hug Karen) Keith: For a kid that was about to quit, that was something to see. Lucas: But I picked up fouls too early, and I was slow getting back into it. Karen: You were great. Lucas: Thanks guys. See you soon, mom. (walks away) Karen: Not too late. Keith: You did good, Luke. (to Karen) You did pretty good, too. Karen: I can breathe now. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Gym - Night Shari: Karen, hi! Keith, hi. I guess congratulations are in order. Karen: Thank you, Shari. Shari: Uh, I don't want to keep you, I just want to let you know that as the mother of a varsity player, you're eligible to join boosters. So, I mean, not that you need to, it's not required or anything. And I know you're really busy with that little café of yours. Karen: Right. When do you meet? Shari: Uh, well, it varies, really. Usually Wednesdays. Karen: At? Shari: Uh, Six-ish. So, it's really good to see you, honey. Go Ravens! [Laughs] (walks away) Keith: [Hisses] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School gym - Night Dan is sitting on the bleachers when Nathan walks up. Dan: I thought this was your team. Dan gets up and leaves Nathan standing there, upset. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Lucas's car - Night Lucas steps into the car and puts his bag down. Brooke pops up from the back seat, in a leopard bra. Brooke: Hey, you. Lucas: Oh, I think you got the wrong car. Brooke: Nah. Don't mind me. I just have to get out of this uniform. So, uh, anyway, I'm Brooke. But you probably knew that. Can I tell you that that last shot was awesome? How'd it feel? Good, huh? You know it did. Brooke slips her bra onto Lucas shoulder. He looks very uncomfortable. Suddenly, Brooke jumps down, gasping. Brooke: Oh, my gosh! Durham knocks on the window and Lucas slips the bra off of his shoulder as he opens the window. Durham: That game wasn't horrible. Lucas: Thanks, coach. Durham: Well, don't turn pro yet. You drag your scrawny butt to the weight room twice a day starting now. Lucas: You got it. Durham: Oh, uh... By the way, there's a half naked girl in the back seat of your car. I just thought you'd like to know. Durham tips his hat and walks off. Brooke comes back up. Brooke: Grouchy. Lucas: [Laughs] Brooke: So, anyway... You're in it now, aren't you? When that last shot when through, did you feel it change? Lucas: Feel what change? Brooke: Everything. I mean, how many moments in life can you point to and say, "That's when it all changed?" You just had one. But don't worry, baby. (leaning on his shoulder, whispering) The popularity thing's not so bad. END OF TEASER (Opening credits roll) ACT I INT. Peyton's Bedroom - Night Peyton and Nathan are sitting on her bed. Peyton is trying to get him to kiss her, but he looks upset. Nathan: Unbelievable. The guy scores 12 measly points and they act like he's Iverson. You know how many games I've scored more than that in? All but two. One of them, I had mono. Peyton: Well, you don't have mono now, do you? (kissing his ear) Care to prove it? Nathan: My dad's gonna hammer me. Something's changed. Peyton: (backing off) With your dad? Nathan: No, with your room. Something's different. Peyton: It's my walls. I took my sketches down. Nathan: What sketches? INT. Karen's Café - Night Haley is sitting on a stool by the counter, looking at her watch. She gets up and switches the Open sign to a Close sign and walks back to the counter. Lucas walks in and Haley turns around, wondering the results of the game. Lucas's solemn expression quickly changes to a smile. Lucas: 12 points, 8 assists. And I made the game winning shot. Haley: Good! Haley jumps on Lucas and they hug for a moment. Haley: [laughs] That is great, right? Lucas: Yeah, it's all right. Haley: Ugh, I can't believe I had to work! Tell me about it. Lucas: Actually, the beginning wasn't so great, I ran into you-know-who. Haley: Dan? Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it? Lucas: Actually, I wasn't thinking about checking out the burning boat. Haley: Ooh. Lucas: You want to come? Haley: Well, I suppose I could be seen with you. Let me just call home and tell them not to wait up. Haley walks over to the counter's phone, followed by Lucas who leans on the counter. Haley: Hey, mom, it's Haley. Haley James, your daughter. Haley makes a sign of drinking with her thumb and pinkie finger. Haley: Listen, I'm gonna go out after work, and I'll be home. Okay? All right, bye. (hangs up) Lucas: Was your mom drinking? Haley: No! I got the machine. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Karen's car - Night [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's car - Night Karen: "You don't have to join the boosters." And did you get that dig about my "little café"? Keith: What do you care? It's not like your going to join the boosters, anyway. Karen: That's not the point. And that thing about cheerleading? It's like they're still in high school. I mean, really, let it go. Keith: Well, that's good advice. Maybe you should take it. Karen: What's that supposed to mean? Keith: Well, if I'm not mistaken, you still own your cheerleading sweater. All I'm saying is memory lane is a two-way street. Karen: Yeah? So is "You don't know what the hell you're talking about" boulevard. This is not about high school for me, Keith. Trust me. Keith: Whatever you say. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Peyton's Bedroom - Night Music is blaring as Peyton works on another sketch. The phone rings, and the answering machine automatically picks up after two rings. Peyton: Hey, it's Peyton. You know what to do. Peyton presses the play button. Man: Hey, this message is for Peyton. It's Jeff Nelson calling from THUD magazine. Your friend dropped off your sketches and, he was right, they're terrific. Give me a call when you get a chance. We'd love to talk to you about, you know, maybe doing a comic strip for the magazine. Nice work, Peyton. Nice work. Peyton presses the delete button. Electronic voice: Message deleted. EXT. Burning Boat - Night Announcer: (O.S.) Come one, come all, to the Tree Hill annual Burning Boat festival. Burn your bad karma, bad luck, or bad choices and start anew. We'll be collecting items all week. Nothing is too big, too small, too tragic, or too trivial... Haley and Lucas are walking. Boy: Nice game, Lucas. Lucas: Hey, thanks. Haley: You are just blowing up. Lucas: Well, yeah, man. I'm a big star now. You better hope I keep you around. Haley: You know, I'm gonna try not to lose sleep over that, thanks. So, last night, I'm watching Scandinavian week on the history channel, and I- Lucas: Why? Haley: Because... blonde Viking guys are hot. [laugh] Anyway, this whole Burning Boat thing is a total rip-off of a Viking funeral. Did you know that? Brandon: (walks up) You know, you're the bomb. Lucas: Thanks. Brandon: (hands Haley a paper) Check it out. Haley: [laugh] B+! Brandon, all right! You did it! Brandon: Yeah, I just threw all my bad grades into the pot. I'm not going back there. Haley: I know you're not. Brandon: I've had I don't know how many tutors, and this girl's a miracle worker. Haley: (hands back the paper) No, this is all you, man. Congratulations! Brandon: Thanks, Haley. See you. Haley: Yes! I knew he could do it! Yes! Lucas: Nice work, Hales. Haley: Thank you. So, what bad mojo are you burning this year? Lucas pulls out his Scott name tag that used to be on the back of his jersey and throws it into the boat. Lucas: I'm not wearing that on my jersey. So, we're going to watch this together, right? Haley: Maybe. I have to, uh, check my schedule. You know, the word around town is that I'm, um... [clears throat] the bomb. Oh! (walks away) Lucas: [laughs] Wow. (follows) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Hallway - Day Lucas is looking for something in his locker, and Haley is standing beside him when a girl walks by. Girl: Great game, Lucas. Haley: All right, I'm going to the tutoring center so I can feel superior. Lucas laughs as Haley begins to walk away, but then stops and turns around. Haley: Oh, listen-they're playing "Attack of the 50-foot Woman" at the Crescent tomorrow. Do you want to go? Lucas: Yeah. Count me in. Haley: All right. Lucas: I'll call you later. Haley: Bye! Nathan: (watching them from down the hall) Hey, who's that girl he's always hanging out with? Tim: Who knows? Why? You feel like slumming? [Both laugh] Peyton slams Lucas locker shut. Peyton: Who do you think you are? Lucas: Someone you're pissed at. Peyton: You submitted my sketches to THUD magazine. Lucas: And they liked them, didn't they? Peyton: If I wanted your help, I would ask for it. Brooke: (walks up) Hey, girl. Hey, you didn't happen to find my, um- Lucas hands Brooke her leopard bra. Brooke: -Thank you, gorgeous. (walks away) Peyton shakes her head at Lucas and follows Brooke. Lucas: You're welcome! EXT. Outside the School - Day Peyton catches up with Brooke and they continue walking. Peyton: What you got there? Brooke: What? Peyton: You know what. The Brooke Davis leopard bra-dude, that thing's like a welcome mat. Anyway, I heard you were naked in his car. Brooke: No. I was partially naked. At one point I had mittens on 'cause it was cold. Oh, did you see my- Peyton: Okay, focus. You're a slut in mittens, you're in his car. Then what happens? Brooke: Well, then nothing. He was really sweet. He drove me home, said "Good night," waited 'till I got inside. Peyton: Maybe he's gay. Brooke: No, I think he's just nice. Anyway, it's gonna be so great when he sleeps with me! Peyton: [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Shower Room - Day Lucas is showering when someone grabs his towel, but we don't see the face. Luke turns off the water, turns around and finds no towel. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Locker Room - Day Lucas goes to his locker, finds it open and all of his stuff gone. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Hallway - Day Lucas walks out of the locker room with two basketballs covering him. Coach Durham walks past, looking at some papers attached to a clip board. Whitey: I was just getting used to low-waist jeans. Lets go, ball boy. Lucas shakes his head with an expression on his face that says, "Why me?" [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Automobile Repair Shop - Day Keith and Lucas a fixing the bottom of a car. Keith: How's things been since the game? Lucas: [Sighs] Different. People I've never talked to say "Hello" to me like they've always known me and the teachers smile more. Cheerleaders strip in your car. Keith: Sounds like the good life. Lucas: Yeah, it sounds like it, but not really. Keith: No? Lucas: No, the team's hazing me a little bit. Keith: Well, believe it or not, I wouldn't take it too personally. See, we, uh, we did that when I played. Unless it gets completely out of hand, just roll with it. Show 'em what you're made of. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Gym - Day Lucas throws a shot and gets it. Someone passes the ball back to him. Whitey: Nathan! Nathan walks over to Coach Durham. Whitey: I'm tinkering with the offense. You'll be playing more small forward. Nathan: Forget it. I'm the shooting guard. Whitey: That's funny. I thought I was the coach. As a matter of fact, you can call me that, and I'll call you "small forward". Nathan Scott, small forward. Has a nice ring to it. Nathan is upset as he looks over to Lucas who gets another shot in. [Whistle blows] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Family Room - Night Dan is sitting on the couch when Nathan walks in and stops at the door. Dan: I hear Whitey gave your spot to Lucas. Do you even care that it's slipping away? [Sighs] All the work we've put into it, all the plans that we've made. Nathan: (walking towards him) All the plans you've made, dad. All the work I've done. Dan: Fine, quit the team. Hell, quit school for that matter. I'll tell you what; I'll give you a job working at the dealership. You can spend the rest of your life haggling over free floor mats with morons with bad credit. How does that sound? Because that's where you're headed, and that's if I give you the job! [Sighs] I just want more for you, Nathan. More than a 9-5 and the feeling you could've had a better life. And, I want you to be happy. I do. But, you need to tell me if you still want to do this. Do you? Nathan nods and Dan walks toward him. Dan: Okay. But, happiness doesn't come cheap. Hell, if it did, we'd all be smiling. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT II INT. Nathan's Kitchen - Day Dan: Whitey's using you to get back at me, and I apologize, Nathan, because it's not your fault. Nathan: What do you want me to do, dad? It's Whitey's team. Dan: No, it's not. Whitey didn't understand when I was playing for him. He doesn't get it now. This is your team. Not his. What position do you want to play? Nathan: I think I'm stronger at shooting guard. Dan: I agree. So, if this new kid's taken your position, he's no longer your teammate, is he? He's your opponent. And how do we defeat an opponent? Identify his weaknesses and attack them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Locker Room - Day Nathan is talking to the whole team, excluding Lucas. Nathan: Look, you guys are the ones I feel sorry for. Me? I'm going to get my minutes. But you guys have been busting your tails since the junior leagues. Now you finally get your shot and Whitey gives the starting spot to this guy? It's not right. If you ask me, he shouldn't even be on the team. Tim: So then, what are we going to do? Nathan: We're gonna make him earn it. At least make him suffer like we did. Lucas walks in, heads over to his locker and finds it unlocked. He opens it up and his clothes are dripping wet. The guys laugh at him and exit the locker room. Nathan: It's only going to get worse, man. Jake stays behind and opens up his locker. Jake: So, the hazing begins... right on schedule. [sniffs] Can you smell the desperation? Jake hands Lucas a dry uniform. Jake: We all went through it. Hang in there. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Gym - Day Tim: So, what happens if we haze this guy and he doesn't go away? Nathan: With what I've got planned, he will. Tim: But, what if he doesn't? Nathan: If he doesn't, I've got a backup plan. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Tutoring Center - Day Haley is looking through some files when Nathan walks in. Nathan: Hey. Haley: Can I help you? Nathan: I hope so. You're my tutor. Haley: Right. I don't think so. Nathan: You're Haley James, right? Haley looks over his blue sheet of paper and hands it back to him. Haley: I'm sorry. I'm best friends with Lucas. Nathan: Well, then I'm sorry, too. Haley: Forget it. I'll find you someone else. Nathan: Whoa, whoa, look, look. There is nobody else. All right? I'd be fine with it if there was. Haley: If there were. Nathan: See? You're helping me already. Haley: Look, I can't help you and on top of that, I won't help you. Okay? Haley walks out of the room. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. THUD Magazine - Day [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THUD Magazine Office - Day Jeff Nelson is sitting behind his desk skimming through Peyton's sketches, while she anxiously awaits his response. Jeff: Interesting. Where have you studied? Peyton: Mostly in my bedroom. Jeff: Huh. Peyton: Is that a bad thing? Jeff: No, just surprising for someone with your talent. Well, your stuff is great. I do have a few concerns, though. You're younger than I expected, and we have firm deadlines to make a press run. Peyton: Give me a deadline. I'll meet it. Jeff: All right, then how about a test strip? Uh, use your high school characters, but, give them a twist. Peyton: A twist? Jeff: The way you portray high school, the girls are so tragic. Don't get me wrong, I like it. But, the magazine wants wish fulfillment. You know, pretty, popular, like a... Peyton: A cheerleader? Jeff: Perfect. Cheerleaders are always happy. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Classroom - Day Teacher: Identity-this was a common theme in the work of E.E. Cumings. While it's true he was most known as a... The teacher's voice drifts off into the background, indistinct. Brooke is playing with a cootie-catcher. Brooke: Lucas, what's your favorite color? Lucas: Black. Brooke: B-l-a-c-k. Teacher: When Cummings died in 1962, he was enormously popular, especially with young readers. Brooke: What's your favorite number? Lucas holds up three fingers and Brooke counts three on the catcher. Brooke: Okay, what's your favorite sexual position? Lucas gives her a confused and uncomfortable look. Brooke: I'll use mine. Brooke counts the letters on the catcher and opens it up. Brooke: So, you like me. Teacher: (takes catcher) Mostly because he dealt with s*x... and war. Okay, folks, listen up-I want everyone to bring in something by Cummings-poem, essay, whatever-to the next class. Okay, thank you for your work. Nathan gets his paper back with a big, circled F. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Tutoring Center Haley is putting away her books. She grabs her side-bag and heads to the door, but Nathan walks in. Nathan: [Sighs] Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna be fine. Haley: Good. Nathan: (holds up paper) I mean, F is for fine, right? Nathan walks out the door, and Haley stands there with a disappointed look on her face. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Massage Clinic - Day Brooke is getting a wax while Peyton is beside her on a chair, reading a magazine. Brooke: You know she'll never go for it. Peyton: So, how's your Lucas quest going? Brooke: Fine. Ow! Hand. Peyton: Let me ask you something. Why are you being so persistent with this one? You normally would have moved on by now. Brooke: Why? Are you jealous? Peyton: No. Brooke: Do you like him? Peyton: No. See, there's this guy named Nathan, who's also called my boyfriend. Brooke: Yeah-ow! Ooh. Well, maybe I want a boyfriend, too-someone reliable for once, steady... Without all the drama, anger, and pettiness you and Nathan have. [Laugh] Peyton pulls off a wax strip. Brooke: Ow! Both: [Laughing] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Café - Day Keith: Isn't Haley working today? Karen: She's making a delivery. Keith: Doesn't that girl ever go home? Karen: [laughs] Haley comes from a big family. When Lucas met her, I think they were eight or nine. But she saw it was just me and Lucas, and she said "Yeah, I come from a big family. I think you guys need me more." Did he tell you about his troubles with the team? Keith: Yeah. I, uh, I told him not to take it so personally. Karen: Speaking of taking things personally, I was thinking about my brush with Shari and the boosters. I think I may have overreacted. Keith: I think I know how you can find out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Booster Meeting - Evening Shari is talking to the booster members when Karen walks in. Shari: Okay, the last item on the agenda is fundraising. So, we will have our booth at Burning Boat and-Karen, hi. Karen: You start at six, right? Shari: No, sweetie, we start at five sharp. You must have misunderstood me. Karen: Sure. Shari: Everybody, this is Karen, Lucas Scott's mother. Woman: Oh, so-so you're Dan's ex? Karen: Actually, we were never married. Woman: Oh. Karen: [Clears throat] I just thought I'd come down here and introduce myself to all of you and say "Hello." Woman#2: Is Lucas on the team for good? Karen: What do you mean? Woman#2: Well, I mean, it just seems strange that a new boy on the squad becomes a starter ahead of boys who have been Ravens for years. Shari: Um, now then, as I was saying, um, I think that Burning Boat- Karen: It's 'cause he's good. Coach Durham thinks he deserves to, and maybe you want to tell your sons that so next time they steal his wallet, or ruin his clothes, or whatever else they have planned for him. Woman#2: Excuse me? Karen: He's a kid who's doing his best. Shari: Whoa, whoa. You walk in here-late, I might add-and start making accusations about our boys? Our boys are the good ones. Karen: Exactly what does that mean? Shari: You know exactly what I mean. Karen: You know, Shari, I came down here wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt, but clearly you're still the same petty little @#%$ you were in high school. (walks out) Shari: Well, um... [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Basketball Court/Playground - Evening Lucas pulls up in his car, gets out and sees that the court is trashed. Garbage is littered everywhere and the next is ruined along with the words "You Suck!" written on it. Lucas is pissed off. ACT III EXT. Basketball Court/Playground - Day Lucas is up on a ladder trying to scrub the words off of the backboard when Peyton drives up and gets out of her car. Peyton: Hey. I heard about this. I hoped it wasn't true. Lucas: What do you want, Peyton? Peyton: I just want to tell you I'm not doing the comic strip. Lucas: That's a mistake. Peyton: Yeah, well maybe some people aren't ready to expose themselves to the world like you and your basketball. Lucas: Maybe you are ready, but you're just scared. (climb down ladder) Well, did you at least meet with them? Peyton: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the editor loved my stuff. He just wanted me to change it into something totally different. It's really not that big of a deal. Guess I just... I just want to say thanks. Lucas: Wow. Did Peyton Sawyer just say "thank you"? Peyton: Look, if Nathan did this, I'm sorry. Lucas: Why do you stay with him, anyway? Peyton: 'Cause sometimes it's good. Sometimes there's no one else. (walk to car) Lucas: Hey, Peyton, that editor is wrong. Peyton smiles and walks over to her car. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Café - Day Close-up of the phone as it rings. Haley picks it up and we pull back to see the whole view. Haley: Karen's Café. Nathan: (O.S.) I'm calling for Haley James. Haley: Yeah, this is her. Nathan: (O.S.) Hey, it's Nathan Scott. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Bedroom - Day Nathan: Um, I really need your help. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Café - Day Haley: Sorry, this isn't her. (hangs up) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Bedroom - Day Nathan looks at the phone for a second and then hangs up. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Café - Day Karen: What was that? Haley: Uh, wrong number. Karen: You just said this was her. What, did you forget your own name? Haley: [Laughs] Karen: What's up? Haley: This guy wants me to tutor him, and I said "No" 'cause he's kind of a bad guy. Karen: You know him? Haley: Not really. I just know of him. Karen: Dangerous? Haley: No. What? You've got that look. Karen: What look? Haley: The look that my mom always gets when she wants to throw her two cents in. What? Karen: Well, Haley, I think you have pretty good instincts so I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but just to play devil's advocate, if this boy came for tutoring, maybe he's trying to change. Haley: [Sigh] Karen: Might be something in there worth saving. Close-up of the table as Karen puts two penny's onto the table. Cut back to Haley. She's thinking about what she should do as Karen walks into the back room. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Automobile Shop - Day Lucas is sitting in the car as Keith fixes it with the top up. Keith: Well, Luke, I owe you an apology. Lucas: For what? Keith: I told you not to take things personally, but they're making it personal. All right, let's give her a try. Lucas turns the key and the engine sputters along with a knock on the door. Keith: Sorry, we're closed. Jake walks into the room and over to the car. Lucas steps out of the car. Jake: Hi, I'm Jake. Keith: Oh, hi, Jake. I'm Keith. Jake: How are you doing? Keith: I got some paperwork to do. See you. (walks away) Jake: I heard about the court. Lucas: You heard about it, or you were there? Jake: Hey, I don't buy into that mob rule nonsense, all right. I play defense. I live my life. That's it. Lucas: Yeah, and what about the rest of the team? Jake: Look, Luke, the guys on the team-they're in a tough spot. Because of the suspension, most of these guys are younger, and they're not going to stand up to Nathan. It's not right, but that's the way it is. Lucas: Yeah, well, the way it is doesn't work for me, and it doesn't work for my friends. Jake: Yeah, I know. But that's... That's kind of why I came here. This thing could get really messy if someone doesn't take the high road. And, I know this is not my place to ask, but I was just hoping that you could rise above it. Lucas: I don't think I can do that. Jake: Okay. Just know that if you do, the team's gonna come around. Their gonna see that you're a good guy and a hell of a player. Lucas: And if I can't? Jake: Then I got your back. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. The Docks - Night Haley and Lucas are walking side-by-side. Haley: They trashed the court? Lucas: Yep. Haley: What else? Lucas: [Sighs] Broke into my locker, soaked my stuff. I don't know, Hales, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Haley: Do you think they're gonna, like, let up anytime soon? Lucas: [Laughs] No chance. And you want to know why? Haley: Why? Lucas: Because Nathan controls the team. And there's no way in hell he's gonna back off. What are you thinking? They stop and face each other. Haley: This weird thing happened at the tutoring center. It's not important, nevermind. Lucas: Are you sure? Haley: Yeah. Mm-Hmm. Are we still going to go to the movie tomorrow night? Lucas: Yeah. Sounds like fun. Haley: Okay, cool. Luke, how far do you think he's really gonna go. Nathan? Lucas: [Sighs] I don't know. As far as he wants to go until somebody stops him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Hallway - Day Peyton grabs a sketch of hers that somebody left sticking out of her locker. It's the 'They Are Not You' poster. Peyton looks around to see if the person is still there, but no such luck. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Classroom - Day Haley is working on her studies when she looks back at Nathan and again at her desk, thinking hard. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Café - Day Karen is serving a customer when she sees two booster mothers walk by outside the café. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Basketball Court/Playground - Evening Lucas is sweeping up the garbage. He takes a piece of cardboard and carries all the garbage over to a garbage can. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Gym Nathan overlooks Lucas with jealousy as he gets yet another shot in the net, and Durham congratulates him. [Indistinct Talking] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Outside Movie Theater - Night Haley paces, checking her watch. She paces out of the screen, and we see Lucas walking up the street to the theater. A van pulls up behind him. Two teammates run up behind Lucas as he turns toward the van. They grab him, force him into the van and drive off. Tim: Hey, Luke. Lets go, lets go! Get him in! Get him in! ACT IV EXT. Stream - Night Nathan drives up the van and two guys force Lucas out of the car, pulling a bag off his head in the meantime. Lucas struggles to get free but the push him into the stream. Nathan walks up as Lucas stands up, very angry, and frees his hands. Nathan: Well, well. The gang's all here. I told you it was gonna get worse. Now, see, normally this is when you become part of the team. We'd have a keg, tell some war stories... but you had to know that wasn't going to happen, right? Look... these guys made a choice to back me. But we're going to be nice, and we're going to let you walk away. Just quit the team, man. Otherwise, it's going to get ugly. Let's get out of here. Tim: (mock) Bye, Luke. The guys all go back into the van and drive off, leaving a very angry Lucas standing there. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Lucas' House - Night Karen is sitting down in her robe when Lucas walks in. Karen: Hey, where you been? Lucas: Nowhere. Karen: What happened to you? Lucas: I had a little run-in with the team. Karen: Luke, I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I wish there was a way that I could help, but I don't think there is. Lucas: There's not. Karen: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I called some woman a @#%$ the other day. Lucas: [Laughs] Karen: I'm proud of you. You know that? Sometimes I wonder where you get all your strength. Lucas: I get that from you. Karen: Oh, I don't know about that. I haven't been on my best behavior lately. Lucas: Well, they don't make it easy, do they? Karen: No, they don't. That doesn't mean we have to sink to their level. Lucas: Take the high road, huh? Yeah, sounds familiar. But, mom, I tried that. And I want to make you proud, I do. But there comes a certain point when you have to fight back. And I'm at that point. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. School Gym The team is in the middle of a practice game. [Indistinct talking] Lucas: Ball! Ball! Ball! Over here! Ball! Tim won't pass Lucas the ball, so he runs up and takes it from him and makes the shot. Tim slams him, so Lucas slams him back. Tim: What the hell was that? [Whistle Blows] Jake keeps them apart as Coach Durham approaches. Durham: Here! Second team! Tim: But he stole the ball from his own team! Durham: But nothing! That guy has hit seven in a row and you won't pass him to ball! (to Lucas) And you! This is a team game. If you guys don't get your heads out of your asses, I might be forced to suspend my second team this season. Go home! (walks away) Jake: (to Lucas) So much for the high road, huh? Lucas: [Laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. School Steps - Day Haley is finishing her homework and when Lucas walks up she puts it down and stands up. Lucas: Hey! Haley: Hey. Lucas: I tried to call you about last night- Haley: No, it's okay. You're mom told me what happened. Are you all right? I was really worried about you. Lucas: Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Haley: Luke, I just want things to get better for you. Lucas: Trust me, so do I. Haley: They're not going to, are they? Lucas: Well, not without a fight. Haley is about to cry, when Lucas hugs her. Lucas: Hey, hey, hey. I'll find a way to get past this. Don't worry about it. They hug for a moment, and then Haley pulls away and grabs her books. Haley: You know what? Um, I need to do something. I will see you tomorrow for Burning Boat, okay? Lucas: Okay. Haley: Okay. Haley begins walking down the steps but turns around. Haley: Uh, sorry. I'm sorry too. Lucas: For what? Haley: I'll see you tomorrow. Haley walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Outside Nathan's House - Night Haley walks up to the start of the pathway, sighs, and walks up to the door to knock. Nathan answers. Nathan: Hey. Haley: Hey. I looked over your English exam, and if you really want to learn, I can help you. Nathan: That's great. All right. Haley: I just... I have two conditions. One, Lucas does not find out, okay? Ever. Nathan: All right, fine. Haley: And number two, you leave him alone. Nathan: Well, I don't really have much of a choice, do I? Haley: Okay, um-Meet me tomorrow, 7AM at the Market Street dock. Nathan: Well, what about the tutoring center? Haley: No way. The dock. Take it or leave it. Nathan: Okay. 7:00 then. Haley: Okay. (walk away) Nathan smiles and closes the door. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Market Street Dock - Morning Haley already has her books out and is studying when Nathan walks up. Nathan: Breakfast of champions. Want some? Haley: You're late. Nathan: [Sighs] Nathan takes off his backpack, sits down and opens up a cracker jack box, taking out a small package. Nathan: Ugh, please let this be a cheat sheet. Nathan takes a tacky bracelet out of the package. Nathan: It's for you. Haley: Stop it. Nathan: Come on. Haley: [Sigh] Nathan puts the bracelet on her. Nathan: Don't say I never gave you anything. Haley: (showing the book) Do you see this book? Because this book is me. I am math. Nathan: What's that supposed to mean? Haley: It's supposed to mean that you can work your whole "I'm Nathan Scott, Mr. Big shot, scoring my touchdowns" on somebody else, because I don't- Nathan: I don't even play football. Haley: Whatever. Look, the point is at the end of the day, all your bluster and BS don't mean anything to math because math don't care, and neither do I. Nathan: Well, does English care? 'Cause I really suck at that, too. Haley: Please don't waste my time. I am already taking a huge chance on you because my instincts are screaming that you're full of sh- Nathan: [Laughs] Haley: Let's just get started, okay? (hands him the book) Page 81. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THUD Magazine - Day Peyton slides an overhead print of her comic strip onto the table and Jeff Nelson looks up at her. Jeff: Hey. Peyton: This is who I am. This is how I am. And 95% of the time there isn't a moral, or a victory, or a silver lining. Take it or leave it. Jeff: And if we leave it. Peyton: If you leave it then you'll miss that other 5%. Your mistake. (walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Burning Boat Festival Stage - Night Whitey Durham is addressing the crowd. Whitey: Good evening. Usually the master of ceremonies at this deal is Red Legner. But, uh, well... Red died, so what are you gonna do? Now, every year we have a Burning Boat, and every year people find things to toss into it. I guess if everything was perfect, we wouldn't be human. [Continues indistinct] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Behind Burning Boat - Night Lucas and Karen walk up to the boat. Karen: Well, time to let the past go. Karen throws her old cheerleading sweater into the boat. [Laughter] is heard as Shari and two other booster members walk up. Karen: Shari! Shari: Karen. Karen: I, uh, just wanted to introduce you to my son, Lucas. Lucas, this is Shari, Tim's mother. Shari: Stepmother. They shake hands. Lucas: Nice to meet you. (to Karen) I'm gonna take off, okay? Karen: Okay. You be careful. Lucas: I will. (walks away) Karen: [Clears throat] Look, I'm sorry about what I said before. Because-let's face it-it's been a long time. We really don't know each other anymore. But I want to give you the benefit of the doubt so that next time we meet, at least I'll be dealing with the person you've become. And I hope you'll do the same. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Burning Boat Stage - Night Whitey: I guess, uh, it's not every day that we get a shot at starting over and putting our feet on the right path. That said, I guess we better get to the rat killing. [Crowd cheers and applauds] as a torch lights up the boat. We see a close-up of Karen's sweater burning. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Burning Boat Crowd - Night Lucas: Say "good bye" to cheerleading, mom. Brooke walks up next to Lucas. Brooke: So, you my date tonight, Luke? Lucas: You know, Brooke, you don't have to act like this. Brooke: I know that. But you're the first guy to ever say it. You do your thing and, um, try to resist. It's actually kind of cute. (walks away) Lucas grabs his backpack and walks up the steps, facing Nathan. He throws a green spray paint bottle at him. Lucas: You left that at the court. Nathan: I don't know what you're talking about. Lucas: Then call it a gift. Besides, you're gonna need it to paint over your scoring title in the gym, 'cause I'm taking it. Tim: Yeah, in your dreams. Lucas: I don't care what you do to me. Whatever you got, you better bring it, 'cause I'm not going anywhere. Lucas hands Nathan the bag and rope that was used against him at the stream. Lucas: Burn these for me, would you? (walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Picnic Table Lucas: (V.O.) E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else..." Haley is sitting alone on a picnic table looking over the river at the Burning Boat when Lucas walks up and sits next to her. Lucas: Hey. Haley: Hey. Lucas: (V.O.) "...means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight..." Lucas: Nice bracelet. Haley: [Uncomfortable Laugh] Lucas: (V.O.) "...and never stop fighting." [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Peyton's Bedroom - Night Close-up of the phone. The phone rings. We pan over the phone, the answering machine and some sketches. Jeff: (V.O.) Hey, it's Jeff Nelson. I just wanted to let you know, we're running your strip in the next issue. [Beep] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Picnic Table - Night Lucas: Where were you this morning? Haley: Uh, just tutoring. Lucas: Oh, yeah? Anyone I know? Haley: (hesitates) No. (smiles) The two look over at the Burning Boat. We back up to behind them, and just see their backs as they watch the boat together.
Plan: A: Lucas's growing popularity; Q: What is Nathan annoyed by? A: Haley James - Lucas's best friend; Q: Who does Nathan find his weak spot in? A: the team; Q: Who did Nathan convince to haze Lucas? A: tutoring help; Q: What does Nathan seek from Haley? A: his worst rival; Q: What does Lucas's best friend help? A: Brooke; Q: Who develops feelings for Lucas? A: the past; Q: Where does Karen have to face some not-so-friendly acquaintances from? A: Peyton; Q: Who is furious with Lucas when she discovers that he secretly submitted her drawings to a local newspaper? A: The New Amsterdams; Q: What band did the episode "Haley James" come from? Summary: Annoyed by Lucas's growing popularity, Nathan searches for his weak spot and finds it in Haley James - Lucas's best friend. After convincing the team to aggressively haze Lucas, Nathan seeks tutoring help from Haley and tries to befriend her, after all, nothing could hurt Lucas more than seeing his best friend help his worst rival. Meanwhile, Brooke develops feelings for Lucas. Karen must face some not-so-friendly acquaintances from the past. And Peyton becomes furious with Lucas when she discovers that he secretly submitted her drawings to a local newspaper. This episode is named after a song by The New Amsterdams .
THE SAVAGES 5:35pm - 6:00pm [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 1 - THE PASSAGEWAY (Dodo stands motionless with fear as Wylda, with outstretched hands and vacant eyes, staggers towards her. But as Wylda reaches Dodo, he appears totally unaware of her. Continuing in a zombie-like state, Wylda stumbles past Dodo, and moves on towards the end of the corridor. Dodo continues to remain still, as if any movement on her part may cause Wylda to notice her.) (Dodo watches in puzzlement as Wylda approaches the end of the corridor - an apparent dead end. But just as Wylda reaches the far wall, he passes through a beam of light. This causes the door at the end of the corridor to glide open. Further beyond the door is the outside world. Wylda struggles towards the now open door. But the effort required is too great for his weakened body. As Dodo watches, Wylda collapses on to the floor. Wylda makes a feeble effort to rise, but it is to no avail. Groaning in pain, Wylda falls back to the floor.) (Dodo eventually decides that Wylda, in his current depleted state, can cause her no possible harm. Dodo walks towards Wylda, and crouches down next to him. For the first time, Wylda becomes aware of Dodo's presence. His mouth opens, but no words come out. With all her strength, Dodo half-lifts Wylda from the floor, and drags him through the exit. As soon as they are outdoors, Wylda collapses free of Dodo's grip, and falls back to the ground. Chal and Tor, almost as if they frequently wait in this area, appear from out of the shrubs to assist Wylda to his feet. Seething with rage, Tor takes a step towards Dodo... but is halted when Wylda catches his arm. Wylda gives a very slight shake of the head.) (At that moment, the door starts to glide closed. Dodo suddenly becomes aware that she will be trapped outside the city if she does not move quickly. She rushes back into the corridor, leaving the two savages with Wylda.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 2 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (Senta is directing the latest transfer of energy. Nanina is wheeled into the laboratory on the operating trolley.) NANINA: (Crying.) Please no... don't, please don't... no... no. SENTA: Make the connections. (One of the assistants operates a control. A panel slides down over Nanina, leaving her totally trapped inside a glass cubicle. Nanina continues to cry and plead, even as the cubicle fills with gas...) SENTA: Vapourisation. 1st ASSISTANT: (Checking a control.) Vapourisation... off. 2nd ASSISTANT: Vapourisation on. 3rd ASSISTANT: (Confirming the order.) Vapourisation on. (Senta anxiously watches the monitoring equipment.) SENTA: (To the 1st Assistant.) Prepare for transfer. 1st ASSISTANT: Standing by. (The assistants count off the energy readings as the transference rate increases.) ASSISTANTS: Twenty-three point zero eight... twenty-four zero nine... twenty-five one point zero four... twenty-six one point zero six... twenty-seven... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 3 - THE CITY STREETS STEVEN: Dodo! Dodo, where are you? (Steven is rushing through the city streets in an attempt to find Dodo. Avon and Flower follow behind.) STEVEN: What could have happened to her? AVON: I cannot think. Perhaps she's playing a joke. STEVEN: What do you mean? FLOWER: She may be hiding - just a game. STEVEN: Not even Dodo would be as stupid as that. Something must have happened to her... (Calling out again.) Dodo! Dodo! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 4 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (The transference continues...) ASSISTANTS: ...three point five zero... thirty-one three point five zero. (The bubbling in the vats increases in intensity...) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 5 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER (The Doctor and Jano continue their discussion.) JANO: So you see Doctor, with this new stimulus, intellectual workers find themselves able to accomplish more. Artists are able to create works of brilliance and beauty. Everything... (At that moment, Steven's voice can be heard, calling for the Doctor. He rushes into the Council Chamber.) STEVEN: Doctor! Doctor! DOCTOR: My dear Steven, you must not come bursting into the room like this. Well? STEVEN: Well, its Dodo. She's gone. DOCTOR: Gone? What do you mean, gone? STEVEN: She's completely vanished. (Jano turns to Avon and Flower, who have just entered the room.) JANO: What are we to understand by this Avon? AVON: It's true. FLOWER: Dodo was with us, and she vanished into thin air. DOCTOR: (Unconcerned.) Well, I really don't know what all this fuss is about. I'm sure the child won't come to any harm while's she here. JANO: No. She cannot leave the city. DOCTOR: If I know that young lady, she's well enough to look after herself. (He beckons to Steven to leave the room.) DOCTOR: Now, come along, please let's finish the conversation. STEVEN: (Believing the Doctor is dismissing the subject too lightly.) Doctor! DOCTOR: Tch, tch, tch. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 6 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (As the vats in the laboratory bubble with activity, Dodo cautiously creeps into the control room. The sounds of the machinery have attracted her attention.) SENTA: (From the laboratory.) Subject is very weak. Prepare to switch. I'll give the signal. (The 2nd Assistant, who is still in the control room, obeys Senta's instruction. At that moment, Dodo notices Nanina trapped inside the cubicle. She moves closer for a better view. The 2nd Assistant looks up momentarily from his work, and spots Dodo creeping through the room. Without saying anything to his comrades, the 2nd Assistant moves quietly behind Dodo.) SENTA: (From the laboratory.) Slowly, slowly. Vitality reading? 1st ASSISTANT: (From the laboratory.) Twenty-six. SENTA: (From the laboratory.) Careful now. (As Dodo moves closer to the cubicle, she is suddenly startled when the 2nd Assistant grabs her, and holds his hand over her mouth. The sounds of the struggle attract the attention of the 3rd Assistant.) 2nd ASSISTANT: In the control room with her. Quick! (She breaks free momentarily from the 2nd Assistant.) DODO: What do you think you're doing. Leave me alone! 3rd ASSISTANT: Who is she? 2nd ASSISTANT: She must be from outside. I'll check the list. 3rd ASSISTANT: Why is she wearing such strange clothes? (She tries again to free herself from the Assistant's grip.) DODO: You keep your hands to yourself! (While the 3rd Assistant maintains a firm hold on Dodo, the 2nd Assistant scans a nearby list.) 2nd ASSISTANT: We have no record of her. The only female in here is the one who is in there now. 3rd ASSISTANT: She must be from outside. Is she for transference? 2nd ASSISTANT: She must be. What else? We had better make preparations. (The 2nd Assistant indicates one of the empty trolleys standing nearby. Dodo gets a bad feeling when she sees the straps on the trolley...) DODO: No... no... NO! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 7 - THE CITY STREETS (The search for Dodo continues through the city streets. Edal has joined up with Steven, Avon, and Flower.) AVON: We came along here, you see. Then we stopped and looked out of this window. FLOWER: The window? EDAL: It's too small. She couldn't get out of that. You should have watched her. You'll be held responsible. FLOWER: We thought she was following... we didn't know she could vanish. (Captain Edal looks down the corridor with the small window at the end.) EDAL: She passed here? AVON: Yes, but she couldn't go through it. EDAL: Why not? (Captain Edal presses a control lever, causing a door in the corridor to glide open. Steven is immediately intrigued.) STEVEN: What is this? FLOWER: Oh, it's nothing - we never use it. Pay no attention. EDAL: The guards use it. FLOWER: Oh, we never go there... none of the young people do. Dodo would never go down there. STEVEN: You don't know her. She'd go anywhere. EDAL: If she's gone down there, then I wouldn't give much for her chances. STEVEN: What do you mean...? (Edal turns to Avon and Flower, with a stern expression on his face.) EDAL: And I wouldn't give much for yours either. FLOWER: (Upset.) But she wouldn't go that way! It's not allowed. STEVEN: (Sarcastically.) Well, if it isn't allowed, Dodo would be the first in the queue. I'm going to take a look. (Steven makes a move towards the newly created entrance.) EDAL: (Sharply.) Stay where you are! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 8 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (In the laboratory, Senta is examining the monitoring equipment when the 2nd Assistant appears from the control room.) 2nd ASSISTANT: Something very strange has happened, Senta. We have one of the outsiders, but she does not submit. She is fighting. SENTA: What! 2nd ASSISTANT: In the control room. SENTA: Take over. (With the 2nd Assistant, Senta rushes back towards the control room. Dodo has broken free of the 3rd Assistant, and is trying to maintain the furthest distance possible from him. She manoeuvres her way between tables and trolleys.) DODO: I don't know what you do in here - but whatever it is, I don't like it! (The 3rd Assistant makes a sudden lunge, but Dodo scrambles over a table.) DODO: No you don't! (Dodo notices a small scalpel-like instrument on a nearby table. She snatches it from the table, and holds it threateningly towards the complex machinery.) DODO: I don't know who on Earth you think I am, but you'd better keep back. This equipment must cost a packet. (At that moment, Senta and the 2nd Assistant enter the control room.) DODO: (Screaming.) Keep back, or I'll smash the lot! SENTA: (To his assistants.) Don't move! She could kill everyone. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 9 - THE CITY STREETS (Before Steven can move into the darkened corridor, Captain Edal grabs hold of his arm, and drags him back.) EDAL: You're not allowed in there. STEVEN: It's the only place she can be. EDAL: I will go and see. (Edal steps through the opening into the darkened corridor, leaving an impatient Steven with Avon and Flower.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 10 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (The vats in the laboratory continue to bubble wildly. The 1st Assistant, who has remained in the laboratory, notices the unusually high reaction rate of the vats. He rushes towards the control room, shouting in alarm.) 1st ASSISTANT: Senta! Senta! SENTA: (To Dodo.) Who are you? DODO: I'm with the Doctor. We are guests here. If this is how you treat your guests... SENTA: You are one of the people from beyond time? 2nd ASSISTANT: How is it possible? DODO: Yes I am! SENTA: But why are you here? (The 1st Assistant rushes into the control room, shouting at Senta.) 1st ASSISTANT: Senta! It's almost too late. (Momentarily forgetting Dodo, Senta rushes back into the laboratory, closely followed by the 1st Assistant. Once in the laboratory, he runs over to Nanina's trolley, and takes in the situation at a glance. He then commences a frenetic adjustment of controls. Eventually, the bubbling in the vats subsides. While this has been occurring, Dodo has entered the laboratory, and is staring around in amazement.) SENTA: Break the connection! (At that moment, Edal appears, and notices Dodo.) EDAL: What are you doing here? DODO: I just came through that door up there. (Pointing to the entrance.) SENTA: I shall report the whole matter. Who is in charge of the party? EDAL: What has she seen? SENTA: It's hard to say. EDAL: The Elders have already been told. SENTA: Well, get her out of here! EDAL: I already have my orders. (To Dodo.) Come along. This way. (Dodo reluctantly follows Edal from the room, but she gives the glass cubicle one last glance.) DODO: All these instruments, that big glass thing, and those huge bottles. What do they do here? EDAL: Come along. Your friends are waiting for you. (Edal conducts Dodo from the laboratory and down the corridor.) SENTA: (Indicating the cubicle.) Get her out. (The assistants hurriedly open the glass panel, and wheel the trolley from the laboratory.) 1st ASSISTANT: Is it too late? (Senta examines the controls on the trolley where Nanina lies.) SENTA: Not quite. We've been lucky. Make a record of this for her files. It must be some considerable time before we extract any more life energy from this particular subject. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 11 - THE CITY STREETS (Led by Captain Edal, Dodo is brought back into the city streets, and reunited with Steven, Avon and Flower.) STEVEN: Where the dickens did you get to? DODO: Oh, don't you start now! STEVEN: Why? What happened? DODO: You have no idea. I was attacked by some sort of mad doctor. FLOWER: Oh Dodo! What a ridiculous story. DODO: What goes on down there anyway? Is it a sort of hospital? AVON: (Hurriedly.) Yes, yes... that's right. It's a hospital. FLOWER: Perhaps they thought you were a patient. DODO: I wouldn't like to be a patient in their hands. EDAL: You must have a reason for saying that. I'd like to know what it is. What did you see? DODO: It wasn't anything I saw exactly... just a feeling about the place. It was all so sterile and inhuman. STEVEN: (Sighing.) She imagines things. FLOWER: I can see that! I know just the place to cheer you up, Dodo. EDAL: (To Steven and Dodo.) You will have to report to the Elders. I will take you there. (Edal turns to Avon and Flower.) EDAL: You two will undoubtedly be called to answer for your negligence. DODO: Oh, I hope I haven't landed you in any trouble. FLOWER: Oh no, we'll be all right. AVON: Of course we will be! Perhaps we'll see you both later. STEVEN: Yes. I hope so. EDAL: (To Avon and Flower.) Stay here. A guard will collect you. AVON: Must Flower be taken before the Elders? It was my fault. I should have kept a better watch on Dodo. EDAL: You should be thinking of your own defence. (Edal walks off with Steven and Dodo, leaving a worried Avon and Flower behind.) FLOWER: Oh, Avon, what will happen to us. Will they take us... (Indicating the corridor.) AVON: Do not worry Flower - that is only for the savages. FLOWER: Are you sure? AVON: Are you sure you will be all right? FLOWER: But the guard's coming for us. AVON: Do not be afraid. After all, this is a free state, isn't it, and we are all equals here. FLOWER: But... AVON: They cannot harm us. (Further down the corridor, Edal is leading Steven and Dodo to the Council Chamber.) STEVEN: (To Dodo.) You all right? DODO: I am now. STEVEN: I told you not to go off by yourself. DODO: Don't worry. It won't happen again. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 12 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (The assistants unstrap Nanina from the operating trolley. As was the case with Wylda, Nanina is in a semi-conscious, dazed state.) SENTA: (To Nanina.) You are to go. You understand? You are to go. (Nanina shakes her head, trying to clear her mind. With a frightened glance at Senta, she attempts to move off, but collapses onto the floor.) SENTA: (To an assistant.) Help her to release exit number four. (The assistants help Nanina to her feet, and lead the way.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 13 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER (The Doctor, Jano and the Elders are still discussing scientific advances in the Council Chamber.) DOCTOR: A very interesting discussion gentlemen. Yes, I must... (Edal enters the room, followed by Dodo and Steven.) DOCTOR: (Peering sternly at Dodo.) Oh, so there you are, my dear. You know you had that young man in quite a state. DODO: Doctor, I must speak to you. I want to tell you what happened... DOCTOR: Not for the moment, my dear. STEVEN: I think you ought to listen. DOCTOR: Do you my boy? Well, I'm afraid I can't just now. I've had a very interesting discussion with these gentlemen. (Turning to Jano.) You know, I have some documents that I think that you might be interested to see. Records of my investigations into time travel. You might find them rather surprising. JANO: You intend to return to the TARDIS, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, just for the moment. But I won't be long. STEVEN: I'll come with you. DOCTOR: Oh splendid, my boy. Thank you. I need someone to help me carry a few things. JANO: I'll send one of my guards with you. DOCTOR: No, no, thank you, but that won't be necessary. Thank you, indeed. (To Dodo.) Well, come along, my dear. We don't want to lose you again, do we? (The three time travellers quickly leave the Council Chamber. Jano, with a suspicious expression on his face, watches them go.) JANO: (To Edal.) How serious is it? EDAL: What she saw meant nothing to the girl. JANO: But does she suspect anything? EDAL: It's hard to say... what about the Doctor? JANO: He is a very sophisticated man, Captain. It is impossible to know what he thinks. EDAL: It might be wise to keep an eye on him. JANO: It might be very wise. Follow them! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 14 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (The Doctor is striding through the scrubland, followed by Steven and Dodo.) DOCTOR: Ah, now. Wait a minute... Let me see. Where are we? DODO: Doctor, why wouldn't you let me tell you what happened? DOCTOR: Because I didn't want those gentlemen to overhear what you were saying, child. STEVEN: Who? Jano and the Elders? DOCTOR: Precisely. STEVEN: What, don't you trust them? DOCTOR: Not altogether. STEVEN: What have you discovered? DOCTOR: Nothing really. But I sense that things aren't altogether right here. Now I think we go this way. Come along! STEVEN: Hey, wait a minute! DOCTOR: What? STEVEN: What's that? (Steven points at an indistinct figure lying in one of the shrubs.) DODO: One of the savages! DOCTOR: Really? But he's not moving. Yes, yes. Let's take a look. (The three time travellers cautiously move closer to the figure. As the time travellers move closer, the savage becomes aware of their presence. He tries to get off the ground, but his body is in a badly depleted state. He falls back to the ground.) DODO: Why, that's him. The man in the corridor. The one I helped. But there were two others. (Dodo rushes forward and kneels next to the savage on the ground. It is Wylda. Steven and the Doctor crouch down next to Dodo, and examine the prostrate figure.) DOCTOR: Was he in this condition when you met him before? DODO: Yes. DOCTOR: Did he come out of that lab... laboratory? DODO: Yes, I think so. What's the matter with him Doctor? Do you know? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I think I do. It's just as I feared. DODO: Feared? DOCTOR: Yes. Their wonderful civilisation is based on this. They have discovered a way of extracting life's force from human beings, and absorbing it into themselves. Leaving the victim as you see, almost dead. DODO: What can we do to help him? (The Doctor removes the TARDIS key from his pockets, and hands it to Steven.) DOCTOR: Here's the key to the TARDIS, my boy. Now I want you to go to the emergency cabinet, and you will see a container with capsules marked D403. Bring it back here as soon as you can. I think we might be able to do something for him. STEVEN: Right. DOCTOR: Meanwhile, take that, I don't want it anymore. (The Doctor unstraps the RV instrument from his shoulder, and hands it to Steven. As Steven and Dodo rush off through the scrubland, the Doctor makes a closer examination of Wylda. Wylda moans.) DOCTOR: Now you just rest there, there's a good fellow. We'll have you as right as rain in five minutes. Now I just want you to breathe in and out gently... one... two... one... EDAL: Do you require assistance, Doctor? (The Doctor is started by the sudden appearance of Edal.) DOCTOR: What do you know of this? EDAL: He's one of the savages. I shouldn't let him worry you. He's probably shamming. He should be back on the reserve. Come on you lazy animal. Get up. Move! Get back to your sector. (He kicks Wylda.) DOCTOR: What are you doing, fellow? Leave the man alone. He'll probably die. EDAL: I don't think there's much chance of that, Doctor. Come on you. Move! (Wylda tries to crawl to his feet, as Edal kicks him a second time.) DOCTOR: I insist that you leave him alone! EDAL: I don't think you understand, Doctor. DOCTOR: I think I understand only too well. EDAL: You do? And you still waste time on this creature? DOCTOR: This human being! EDAL: Why the concern Doctor? They're only savages. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) They are men - human beings, like you and me. Although it appears at the moment that you're behaving in a rather sub-human fashion. EDAL: They have not developed like we have - they are savages! (Edal prepares to give Wylda another kick.) DOCTOR: I forbid you to touch him! EDAL: You are obstructing me, Doctor. DOCTOR: I am looking after this wretched fellow. EDAL: You will come with me. DOCTOR: I have already told you, I'm busy. I am going to take care of this poor man. EDAL: I have warned you! You will do as I order you! DOCTOR: Hmmm? EDAL: Or you'll know the alternative. You will come with me back to the city. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 15 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (Steven and Dodo) (Dodo and Steven rush back from the TARDIS. Steven is carrying a small metal container. As they approach the area where they left the Doctor, they stare around in surprise.) DODO: Where were they? STEVEN: (Spotting a landmark.) Over there. (Wylda is still lying on the ground, but the Doctor has disappeared.) DODO: Where's the Doctor? STEVEN: (Calling.) Doctor! Doctor! DODO: (Indicating Wylda.) Now what do we do? STEVEN: Give him the capsules. DODO: What about the Doctor? STEVEN: Oh, you know what he's like! He'll be back. He's just roamed off somewhere... (Dodo kneels down next to Wylda, and retrieves a handful of capsules from the metal container. Wylda appears hesitant to take them.) DODO: (Smiling encouragement.) Here, take this. (Wylda eventually opens his mouth slightly, allowing Dodo to place a capsule in his mouth. The pain in his face begins to reduce almost immediately.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 16 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (Savages) (A short distance from Steven and Dodo, a group of savages, led by Chal, are moving through the scrubland.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 17 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (Steven and Dodo) DODO: Shall I give him another one? STEVEN: Yes - the first one seems to have done him good. (Dodo feeds a second capsule into Wylda's mouth. Once again, Wylda's body strengthens ever so slightly. Dodo stands up, and immediately catches sight of the advancing savages. She grips Steven's arm in fear.) DODO: Steven, the savages! And they've got spears! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 18 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (Savages) (The savages have momentarily halted in the scrubland. Chal and Tor discuss their offensive options.) TOR: I'll aim for the man - you kill the girl. CHAL: No. We must not kill them. TOR: They have no light guns, they cannot harm us. It will be revenge! CHAL: Revenge is no good! And what would the guards do to our people? TOR: But we must save Wylda. CHAL: Not by killing. TOR: If we wait too long, he will die! CHAL: (Bitterly.) He will not die. They will not let him die. They take their strength from the living. We must wait and be patient. It might be a trap. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 19 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (Steven and Dodo) (Dodo and Steven stare around the silent landscape with concern.) DODO: We must get away. STEVEN: To the city? DODO: No, I don't want to go back there. STEVEN: All right. Where to then? DODO: Well, couldn't we get to the TARDIS? STEVEN: Might be too late. Besides, we can't go, they might have got the Doctor. (The sounds of movement appear. The noises gradually become louder...) DODO: They're coming nearer. STEVEN: All right. Don't let them see you're afraid. DODO: I'll try... (Dodo turns sharply, as a group of savages spring from the shrubs nearby. Tor holds his spear threateningly.) TOR: Kill them. (Tor prepares to lunge at Dodo with the spear, when Wylda cries out in agony.) WYLDA: Wait, do not kill. (Wylda's outburst takes everyone by surprise. The savages look down at Wylda, momentarily forgetting Steven and Dodo.) CHAL: Wylda speaks. WYLDA: Do not kill them - they're friends. (The savages look hesitantly at Steven and Dodo. Chal notices the metal container on the ground, and turns to Steven.) CHAL: Friends... what did you give him? STEVEN: We gave him medicine. CHAL: Why? STEVEN: Because he's sick. CHAL: We left him to recover. He is not sick. STEVEN: But look at him! CHAL: You think he is sick? STEVEN: Yes! CHAL: You are from the city? DODO: No we're not. CHAL: You must come from the city. STEVEN: No, we come from another place. TOR: We have seen you. You were in the city. STEVEN: We were taken there! CHAL: You have friends in the city? (Tor steps threateningly towards Steven and Dodo, but once again, Wylda saves Dodo.) WYLDA: She helped me... and the old man spoke against it. STEVEN: The Doctor? Where is he? WYLDA: They have taken him. STEVEN: Taken him! DODO: Where to? WYLDA: To the city. DODO: They've taken him prisoner! Steven, what are we going to do? STEVEN: Who took him? WYLDA: The guard... STEVEN: One of the guards? Why would they want to do a thing like that? WYLDA: The old man was angry. He tried to protect me from their captain. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 20 - THE CITY COUNCIL CHAMBER (The Doctor has been brought back into the Council Chamber by Captain Edal. Jano is perplexed by the Doctor's strange behaviour.) JANO: We do not understand you, Doctor. You who have accepted our honours gladly. How can you condemn this great artistic and scientific civilisation because of a few wretched barbarians? DOCTOR: So your rewards are only to the people that agree with you, eh? JANO: No of course not. But if you are going to oppose us... DOCTOR: Oppose you? Indeed I'm going to oppose you, just in the same way that I opposed the Daleks or any other menace to common humanity. JANO: I am sorry you take this attitude, Doctor. It is most unscientific. You are standing in the way of human progress. DOCTOR: (Scathingly.) Human progress, Sir! How dare you call your treatment of these people progress? JANO: They are hardly people, Doctor. They are not like us. DOCTOR: I fail to see the difference. JANO: Do you not realise that all progress is based on exploitation? DOCTOR: Exploitation indeed! This, Sir, is protracted murder! JANO: We have achieved a very great deal merely by the sacrifice of a few savages. DOCTOR: The sacrifice of even one soul is far too great! You must put an end to this inhuman practice. JANO: (Shaking his head sadly.) You leave me no choice. Take him away, Captain. And tell Senta that we have an emergency. I shall be sending him the special instructions. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 21 - OUTSIDE THE CITY (Steven and Dodo) (Steven and Dodo attempt to think of a plan to rescue the Doctor.) STEVEN: We must do something to help. CHAL: There is nothing we can do. STEVEN: The people in the city are just men. You can fight them. CHAL: They are too strong. DODO: We are not going to let them do anything to the Doctor. CHAL: They have the light guns. TOR: They will use the Doctor like the rest of us. DODO: What do you mean? CHAL: They will take him to the room where the great vats are. STEVEN: What will happen to him there? CHAL: He will become like us. STEVEN: We'll see about that. CHAL: They'll do the same to you if you... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 22 - SENTA'S LABORATORY (The Doctor is brought into the control room by Edal.) EDAL: Senta, this is the Doctor. The traveller from beyond time. DOCTOR: So this is the place where you carry out your foul experiments, hmm? SENTA: This is my laboratory. I'm honoured to meet you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thank you. What's this? SENTA: (To Edal.) Why have you brought the Doctor down here today? I have no time for visitors. We have a very full schedule, as you're well aware, Captain Edal. EDAL: You will suspend all other work and prepare for an emergency transference. SENTA: But that's out of the question. EDAL: The order comes directly from Jano. SENTA: (To the Doctor.) You are interested in our work? DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes, interested, yes. Although, I disapprove of your activities. SENTA: I shall be honoured to show you my laboratory... when I have the time. (Turning back to Edal.) Well, where is the savage for transference? DOCTOR: No, gentlemen. No, gentlemen. I don't wish to bear witness. EDAL: It's quite all right, Doctor. You will not be asked to witness this experiment. DOCTOR: I should hope not, my boy. EDAL: Instead, you will have the pleasure of participating in it. (There is a moment of stunned silence.) DOCTOR: What did you say? SENTA: (Just as surprised as the Doctor.) Do you realise what you are saying? We cannot transfer such a high form of life. It's never been done. JANO: (Entering the room.) This time it will be done. It will be an interesting experiment for you. SENTA: But, he's a fellow scientist. He's one... JANO: (Sharply.) You have your orders. See that they are carried out. DOCTOR: I think you have forgotten one thing, gentlemen. JANO: I don't think so Doctor... DOCTOR: (Furiously.) My feelings in this matter. I will not submit to your nauseating experiments! I am going out that door, so don't try to stop me! EDAL: (Blocking the Doctor's exit.) Go back Doctor. DOCTOR: Let me pass. (Edal fires. The Doctor is immediately trapped in the power of the light gun.) SENTA: You two, strap him to the trolley! (The assistants immediately grab hold of the Doctor, and lead him to an operating trolley.) JANO: Report to me as soon as the transference is completed. (Jano leaves, as Senta bustles around the control room to prepare for the transference. The lab assistants strap the Doctor on to one of the operating trolleys. Senta adjusts some controls on the trolley.) SENTA: Take the readings. Open a special file in the computers. We've never done a transference like this before. We'll use channel double A, double one. 1st ASSISTANT: We are ready Senta. SENTA: Very well. Stand by. All correct. Make the connection. (As Senta operates further controls, the assistants wheel the Doctor into the glass cubicle.) SENTA: High input vats? 1st ASSISTANT: (Confirming the order.) High input vats. In contact. SENTA: Vapourisation. 2nd ASSISTANT: (Relaying instruction to 1st Assistant.) Vapourisation on. 1st ASSISTANT: (In the laboratory.) Vapourisation on. (The cubicle begins to fill with the dense gas.) SENTA: Prepare for transfer. 1st ASSISTANT: Standing by. SENTA: Now remember. We've never done anything like this before. Watch everything very carefully. Let me know there's anything unusual. 1st ASSISTANT: I will Senta. SENTA: Transfer... ON! (The machinery begins to hum, and the vats begin to bubble - but only very slightly.) SENTA: Call me the readings? 1st ASSISTANT: (From the laboratory.) Point zero one, point zero two, point zero three, point zero six. SENTA: Keep it steady. 1st ASSISTANT: Point zero eight. It's impossible. He'll never stand it! SENTA: It should be working by now. 1st ASSISTANT: Point one zero. SENTA: Come on, come on! It must work! 1st ASSISTANT: Point three zero. 2nd ASSISTANT: Vitality dropping fast. SENTA: It's no use. We must stop the experiment. 1st ASSISTANT: No, Senta. Look, it's working! (The vats begin to bubble noisily.) SENTA: Energy reaction? 2nd ASSISTANT: Seventeen... constant... SENTA: It is working. 2nd ASSISTANT: Seventeen... rising... SENTA: Take it up a couple of points. (The assistants obey - the control room is filled with the sounds of the assistants relaying readings back to Senta.) SENTA: It's amazing. He must have tremendous strength! Vapourisation is perfect. Everything is working. It's going to be a classic transference! This is our greatest success. 1st ASSISTANT: One point five zero... 2nd ASSISTANT: (Reading the vitality reading.) Twenty-six. 1st ASSISTANT: Two point zero. (The readings continue, as the vats continue to bubble noisily. Senta looks down into the glass cubicle - the Doctor is motionless...)
Plan: A: a far-distant and seemingly idyllic world; Q: Where has the TARDIS arrived? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is helpless to prevent the Elders from exploitation? A: Steven; Q: Who agrees to remain behind on the planet to become leader of the newly united Elders and Savages? A: a terrible secret; Q: What does the world the TARDIS has arrived on hide? A: the apparently civilised Elders; Q: Who is draining the life-force of the Savages? A: their advanced society; Q: What do the Elders maintain by draining and transferring the life-force of the defenceless Savages? A: his own people; Q: Who does Jano turn against? A: the Savages; Q: Who does Jano enlist to destroy the Elders' transference laboratory? Summary: Missing episode The TARDIS has arrived on a far-distant and seemingly idyllic world. Yet the Doctor, Steven and Dodo learn it hides a terrible secret: the apparently civilised Elders maintain their advanced society by draining and transferring to themselves the life-force of the defenceless Savages. Outraged at this exploitation, the Doctor is seemingly helpless to prevent it when some of his own life-force is tapped by the Elders' leader, Jano. In the process, however, Jano also acquires some of the Doctor's attitudes and conscience. Turning against his own people, he enlists the Savages to destroy the Elders' transference laboratory - a task with which the time travellers gladly assist. Steven agrees to remain behind on the planet to become leader of the newly united Elders and Savages.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.] Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you. (Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God! Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap. Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy! Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha! Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta? Monica: Uh-huh, that one! Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.) Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm... (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross. Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie? Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out! Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud! Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London! Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily? Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her. Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit! Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family. Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.] Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey! Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux! Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned. Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on-y'know what, what you up to Joe? Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host! Monica: Oh that's great! Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do! Phoebe: Ugh, PBS! Monica: What's wrong with PBS? Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them? Joey: Why don't you like PBS, Pheebs? Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back. Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs. Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys! Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies. Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish. Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish! Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?! Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right? Phoebe: Yeah. So? Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry. Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless. Joey: Well, may I ask for one example? Phoebe: Yeah, it's... Y'know there's-no you may not! (They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.) Joey: That's because all people are selfish. Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?! Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right? Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius. (Ross's phone rings and he answers it.) Ross: (on phone) Hello. Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross? Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi! Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye! Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me! Emily: Really? About what? Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you. Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do. Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking. All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.) Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant? Joey: That he doesn't exist. Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.] Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend? Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him. Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man? Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Rachel: I don't care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best s*x she ever had! (Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.) Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that? Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny? Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog! Ross: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey! Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship. Chandler: Yes! Monica: That's great! Ross: In London! Monica: What?! Ross: She wants me to move to London. Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that. Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do? Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben. Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife. Ross: It could happen. [Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage director.] Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya! Stage Director: This will be your phone. Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls. Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges. Joey: But I'm the host! Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones. Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray. Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.] Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass! Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right! Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question? Monica: Sure! Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard? Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he? Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend. Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.] Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben. Emily: I understand that would be difficult. Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that? Emily: I don't know, it's just... Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out. Emily: All right. Ross: All right, did you just say all right? Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot. Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love! (She laughs.) Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still. Ross: Yes, tell me. Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends. Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry. Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her. Ross: Again, very sorry. Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her! Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you. Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work. Ross: Oh that is so great! That's... Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.] Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes. Chandler: Yes! Phoebe: Ooh-ohh! Monica: Great! Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again. Phoebe: Why? Monica: What?! You can't-what did you tell her? Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you! Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends. Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife. Phoebe: Yeah. Chandler: That's true! Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life. Chandler: That's true! Monica: No, you cannot. Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.) (The phone rings.) Monica: (answering it) Hello. Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon! Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV? Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure. Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV. Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.) Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is! Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.] Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs... (Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.) Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel! Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day. Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars. Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27. Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves. Monica: Yeah, so? Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had. Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass. Chandler: Why? Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.) Chandler: What's your point? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.] Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon. Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me. Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody? Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not. Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya. Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.) Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people! (Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.) Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me? PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man. Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day! PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh? Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.) Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Circ 'du Sole, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to... (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.] Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a...) Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy! Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy. Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken! Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have s*x tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me. [Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.] Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon. Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey. Joey: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200. Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya? Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed. Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money? Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster. Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks. Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on. Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers...(He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani! Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel-Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.] Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best. Monica: Keep talking. Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH...MY...GOD. Monica: Really? Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to s*x! Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh my... When is Joey gonna be home? Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on. Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom. Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves. Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.) (He carries her over to the door and opens it.) Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done. Monica: Okay. (He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.) Monica: Ow! Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it? Monica: I know! (He carries her into the hall.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.] Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late! Ross: For what? Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes. Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily. Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay! Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff. Rachel: Like what? Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants. Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help. Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help. Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to... Hi! Ross: Thanks. Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy! Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.] Monica: Never done that before. Chandler: Nope.
Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who starts behaving arrogantly after learning Monica thinks he is the best sex she has ever had? A: Phoebe; Q: Who believes there is no such thing as a selfless good deed? A: a selfless good deed; Q: What does Phoebe try to find? A: Ross; Q: Who contacts Emily to try and work things out? A: Emily; Q: Who does Ross finally contact to try and work things out? A: New York; Q: Where does Emily agree to go to if Ross agrees to never see Rachel? A: Joey; Q: Who lands a job on a PBS telethon? Summary: Chandler starts behaving rather arrogantly after learning Monica thinks he is the best sex she has ever had. Phoebe does her best to find a selfless good deed. Ross finally contacts Emily to try and work things out. She agrees to come to New York, but only if Ross agrees never to see Rachel. Joey lands a job on a PBS telethon, much to Phoebe's disapproval, who believes there is not such thing as a selfless good deed.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Garrett jacob hobbs Didn't kill cassie boyle. I know. Dad? It's for you. I believe the as yet unidentified caller Was our copycat killer. I wanna go home. You do this a lot? Go places and think about killing? Too often. Abigail! (screaming) I didn't kill that girl... This is not self-defence, abigail. You butchered him. You're the one who called the house. If I keep your secret... Then I'll keep yours. Will: Sometimes... at night I leave the lights on in my little house, and... walk across the flat fields and... when I look back from a distance, the house is like a boat on the sea. It's really the only time I feel safe. Hannibal: You stood in the breathing silence of Gareth Jacob Hobbs' home, the very spaces he moved through. Tell me Will... did they speak to you? Will: With noise and clarity. Hannibal: You could sense his madness, like a bloodhound... Will: I tried so hard to know Gareth Jacob Hobbs. To see him. Will: Gareth Jacob Hobbs, FBI! (gunshot) Will: Past the slides and viles, beyond the lines of the police report, between the pixels of all those printed faces of sad dead girls. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Hobbs: See. [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: How did you feel seeing Marissa Shore, impaled in his antler room? Will: Guilty. Hannibal: Because you couldn't save her. Will: Because I felt like I killed her... I got so close to him. Sometimes... I felt like we were doing the same things at different times of day... like I was eating... or showering or sleeping at the same time he was. Hannibal: Even after he was dead? Will: Even after he was dead. Hannibal: Like... you were becoming him. Will: I know who I am. I'm not Gareth Jacob Hobbs, Dr. Lecter. (sound of heart beating) (heart beating) (inhaling) Will: Table has been set. Family dinner. I wasn't invited. I take my seat at the head of the table. My seat. My place setting next to Mrs. Turner. I am the guest of honor. Nobody has taken a bite of their dinner. If you don't eat your growing foods, you won't get any dessert. No one leaves the table. All afraid to move, even the little ones behave themselves. I brought my own family to this home invasion. Controlling the Turners with threats of violence threats that turn to action. (gunshots) (woman crying) The Turner family is executed simultaneously. With the exception of Mrs Turner who dies last. This is my design. I shoot Mrs. Turner. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: What do you see Will? Will: Family values. Jack: Whose family values? (he plays a few notes) Jack: Alright, Karen and Roger Turner, childhood sweethearts. Owned a successful real estate business. Pillars of the community, three children. Will: Minus one. Jack: Uh, a son... Jesse, disappeared last year. Last confirmed sighting had him boarding an RV... at a rest stop on Route 47. Possible runaway, probable abduction. Will: Or both. Jack: When misery rains, it pours. Will: False faces in family portraits. Layers and layers of lies, betrayed by... a sad glint in the child's eyes. Jimmy: Norman Rockwell with a bullet. Jack: Alright, any signs of forced entry? Beverly: No broken windows or torn screens. All sealed up tight. Jack: -Yeah, they probably rang the front door. Beverly: I got bullet holes on the upper sections of the wall, and again over here. Jack: Okay. Pull the slugs for ballistics. Beverly: They aren't frangible, shouldn't be a problem. Brian: Elevated termination points match for the scene with these bodies. Angular cranial impact, coupled with... acute exit wounds, conical spray. Shooter went low to high, probably crouching. Will: When was Jesse abducted? Jack: Uh, a little over a year ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Abigail: I can hide what happened to me. All I need is a scarf to pass. Alana: Hiding what happened to you defeats the purpose of being here. Sharing will help normalize. Abigail: I'm not normal... not anymore. Alana: What happened to you was abnormal Abigail: Some of these women aren't even sharing. They speak in "little girl voices", telling everyone what was done to them without saying a word about it. Alana: Certain traumas can arrest vocal development. And victims can sometimes broadcast victimhood involuntarily. Abigail: Not me. Alana: That's not necessarily true. Your victimhood has a high profile. Abigail: Celebrity victim. Someone here asked me if I kept my stained clothes. How did that make you feel? Alana: Like I wanted to go home. Abigail: But I don't have a home anymore, do I? Alana: You will. You will, I'll help you find it. Abigail, I'd like you to give the support group another chance. Abigail: Support groups are sucking the life out of me. Alana: Well, isolation can suck just as much. You have to find someone to relate to in this experience. (classical music playing) (knock on door) Alana: Hi. Hannibal: Do you have an appointment? Alana: Do you have a beer? Hannibal: Interesting day with Abigail? Alana: Yeah, with grief work. Trauma, intervention. It's all on course. I think she might be wrestling with a low grade depression. Hannibal: She? Alana: Nothing wrong with a little self medication... right, Doctor? Professional neutrality be damned. It's so hard to watch a bright young girl go so adrift. Hannibal: Perhaps it's time Abigail is released from clinical treatment. Alana: Released where? Back into the wild? Hannibal: Spending each day immersed in tragedy may be doing more harm than good. She should be out in the world. Finding her footing, giving her the confidence to move forward. Alana: Abigail is in no condition to tackle her real world issues. Where's she gonna live? Hannibal: I'm not suggesting abandonment. Alana: Hannibal, this is a girl who was very attached to her parents. You stepping in as a surrogate, would only be a crutch. I think Abigail needs to figure things out for herself in a safe... clinical environment. And that will give her the confidence to move forward. Hannibal: I defer to the passion of my esteemed colleague. Passion's good. Gets blood pumping. [SCENE_BREAK] Brian: I'm glad we didn't have guns in my house. Would have shot my sisters just to get them out of the bathroom. Beverly: I liked having a big family. Jimmy: My parents gave me a gift, a twin. Who wouldn't want two of me? Brian: Let me guess... only child. Will: Why do you say that? Brian: Because family friction is usually a catalyst for personality development. Beverly: I was the oldest so... all the friction rolled downhill. Jack: Yes, all the intention and responsibility is heaved on firstborn children. Prepares them for... success in the future. Beverly: My baby sister got away with murder. She had them all fooled. Jimmy: I thought middles were the problem. Brian: Middle's the sweet spot. Will: Always trying to figure out where they fit in? They can be great... politicians. Or lousy ones. Jack: All the victims have defensive wounds except for Mrs. Turner. Will: There's forgiveness. Jack: What kind of victim forgives their killer at the moment of death? Will: A mother. [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: Tell me about your mother. Will: Some lazy psychiatry, Doctor Lecter. Low hanging fruit. Hannibal: I suspect that fruit is on a high branch. Very difficult to reach. Will: So is my mother. Never knew her. Hannibal: An interesting place to start. Will: Tell me about your mother. Let's start there. Hannibal: Both my parents died when I was very young. The proverbial orphan until I was adopted by my Uncle Robertos when I was 16. Will: You have orphan in common with Abigail Hobbs. Hannibal: I think you'll discover that you and I have a great deal in common with Abigail. She's already demonstrated an aptitude for the psychological. Will: There's something so foreign about family... like an ill-fitting suit. I never connected to the concept. Hannibal: You created a family for yourself. Will: I've only connected a family of strays, and thank you for feeding them while I was away. Hannibal: I was referring to Abigail. Tell me about the Turner family, were they affluent, well to do? They lived like they had money. Hannibal: Did your family have money, Will? Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boatyards of... Biloxi and Greenville, to lakeboats on Eerie. Hannibal: Always the new boy at school, always the stranger. Will: Always. Hannibal: What grudge was Mrs. Turner's killer harboring against her? Will: Motherhood. Hannibal: Not motherhood. A perversion of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: A modified Boudin Noir from Ali Bab's Gastronomie Pratique. You promised to deliver your wife to my dinner table. Jack: Well we'll have to polish up our act, we can't have you diagnosing our marital problems all in one fell swoop. What am I about to put in my mouth? Hannibal: Rabbit. Jack: He should have hopped faster. Hannibal: Yes, he should have. (screaming) But, fortunately for us, he did not. Jack: -Mmm mmm. Our friend Will seems haunted today. Hannibal: We don't know what nightmares lie coiled beneath Will's pillow. Jack: Children killing other children is... not that unfamiliar a notion to Will. Hannibal: He still suspects Abigail Hobbs in her father's crimes. Jack: Perhaps the nightmare under Will's pillow... is that he was wrong about her. Hannibal: Children transport us to our childhoods. Will may feel the tug of life before the FBI, before you. Simpler times in boatyards with dad. That life is an anchor streamed behind him in heavy weather. He needs an anchor, Jack. [SCENE_BREAK] Beverly: One pair of size 6 sneakers from the Turner house. The tread on left indicates uneven leg length. Brian: Is that unusual? Hmm, not in a 12 year old. Growth plates all out of whack. Got one foot that's bigger, one leg that's longer, puberty in full effect. Beverly: How did Jesse Turner turn out? No one has seen him in over a year. Brian: I extrapolated the present height and weight from abduction stats. Even with the usual growth spurts between eleven and twelve, he'd be four and a half feet, eighty pounds tops. Jimmy: God's gift to trace analysts. Greasy fingerprints all over these things. No matches but they're gorgeous. Beverly: Isolated seven pairs of shoe prints. Filtered out the Turners' including Jesse's, so we're down to three unsubs, sneakers are sizes seven three and a half, and a boy's eleven. Brian: The lost boy's. Jimmy: I think I found one of them. [SCENE_BREAK] Will: Most of the time in sexual assaults, the bite mark has a livid spot at the center, a "suck bruise". In some cases it does not. For some killers biting may be a fighting pattern, as much as a sexual behavior. Jack: Ok, class dismissed. Everyone out! What did I just say?! Let's go! Will: You're making it difficult to provide an education, Jack. Jack: We found a match to a set of prints we pulled from the Turner home. They belong to a thirteen year old boy from Reston, Virginia. His name is Connor Frist. Will: Another kid? Jack: Another missing kid. Vanished ten months ago, case was never solved. Will: How many kids in the Frist family? Jack: Three, just like the Turner family. We're ready to go when you are, and you're ready to go now. So, let's go. Will: You're expecting a crime scene. Jack: Yes, I am. (festive music) ♪ there is no christmas ♪ ♪ like a home christmas ♪ ♪ with your dad and mom and sis and brother there ♪ ♪ with their hearts humming ♪ (coughing) ♪ at your homecoming ♪ (coughing) ♪ and that merry yuletide spirit in the air ♪ Jack: Mr. Frist and the children killed first, saving Mrs. Frist for last. Same as the Turners. Will: Not exactly the same. Something went wrong. Beverly: Not a single present under the tree for Mrs. Frist. Will: He took her presents, he took her motherhood. Brian: Shooting her once wasn't enough. The first bullet, travels beneath her scalp... to its final resting place, base of her neck. Jack: And it still didn't kill her. Beverly: Hydrostatic shock of shell hitting skull would have caused brain damage. Will: Her body went into convulsions. Brian: He shot her again. Put her out of her misery, different gun. Jimmy: So, someone else shot Connor's mom. Jack: So who is our additional corpse in the fireplace? Will: I'd say Connor Frist. He'd been prepped to shoot his mother, not watch her suffer. Jack: Connor couldn't put his panic back in the bottle. So he got shot too. Will: Whoever shot him... disowned him. [SCENE_BREAK] C.J.: Don't be sad about Connor. Kidnapper: I guess I couldn't make him understand. The family you're born into isn't really family. Cause they're just people you didn't choose. You have to make family, that's what we're doing, we're making our family. Christopher: What happened to your family? C.J.: We're her family. Christopher: I meant... your other family. Kidnapper: The family you think is family, is just a stepping stone to real family. Are you feeling ok, sweetie pie? C.J.: He's fine. Kidnapper: C.J.. You should be excited to go home. Even if it is to say goodbye, 'cause we're your family now, Christopher. You can only have one family. [SCENE_BREAK] Beverly: Ever heard of Willard Wigan? He's this artist that does micro sculptures. Like, putting the Obamas in the eye of a needle. He's so focused that he can work between beats of his heart. I guess archers do the same thing, right? Will: Hmm? Beverly: What are you looking at? Will: Both these kids are small, underweight for their age. Beverly: You think there's a connection? Will: I'm thinking possible ADHD diagnosis for both boys. Ritalin, Focalin, any medication containing Methylphenidate can affect appetite and slow long-term growth in kids. Beverly: Another thing about Willard Wigan... he had a lonely childhood. He used his tiny sculptures as an escape. Will: Who's Willard Wigan? Beverly: Price got a hit on the ballistics matching program he's been running on the two family murders. The bullet that put Mrs Frist out of her misery matches three used in a murder in Bangor, Maine a year ago. Mother of a thirteen year old boy shot to death with her own gun. Will: Thirteen year old milk carton material. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: C.J. Lincoln disappeared six months before his mother's murder. He hasn't been seen since. Will: He has none of the characteristics of a sadist or a sociopath. Jack: Right, no shoplifting, no malicious destruction of property. No assault, no battery. He was kind to animals, for God's sake. Will: Firearm says we are looking at Peter Pan to our lost boys. Jack: But it takes a sophisticated level of manipulation to convince young boys to kill their families in cold blood. Will: Kindness to animals doesn't suggest that particular kind of sophistication. Jack: Well, he's older, he's been out in the world. Maybe he picked up a few things. [SCENE_BREAK] Kidnapper: There you go. Thank you so much. Oh honey... Oh jeez! Are you feeling okat, honey? You have a fever? You don't feel warm. Assistant: Here you go, ma'am. Kidnapper: Oh thank you. He hasn't done this before. I'll pay for the napkins. Assistant: Don't worry about it. Kidnapper: Oh honey, oh gee, whiz... I'm so embarrassed. But you shouldn't feel embarrassed, this happens with little bladders, right? Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: Good evening, Will. Please come in. Has Christmas come early? Or late? Will: Was for Abigail. Hannibal: Was? Will: I thought better of it, I wasn't thinking straight, I was upset when I bought it. Maybe still am. Hannibal: What is it? Will: A magnifying glass. Fly tying gear. Hannibal: Teaching her how to fish. Her father taught her how to hunt. Will: That's why I thought better of it. Hannibal: Pretty paternal, Will. Will: Aren't you? Hannibal: Yes. Our good friend Doctor Bloom has advised against taking too personal an interest in Abigail's welfare. Tell me why are you so angry? Will: I'm angry about those boys, I'm angry because I know when I find them, I can't help them. I can't, I can't give them back what they just gave away. Hannibal: Family. Will: Yeah. We call them "The lost boys". Hannibal: Abigail's lost too. And perhaps it's our responsibility... yours and mine to help her find her way. [SCENE_BREAK] Abigail: I don't think I'm allowed to leave, after I climb the fence. Hannibal: I've made arrangements. You could say I'm... one of your guardians. Abigail: Where are we going? Hannibal: Home. My home. I thought you might enjoy if I cooked for you. I'll have you back before bedtime. Abigail: Can't I spend the night? I don't like sleeping here, I have bad dreams. Hannibal: You have to sleep in your own bed. Abigail: This isn't my bed. Hannibal: Tell me about your bad dreams. Abigail: I had one where... Marissa was sending me picture texts. Like crime scene photos of Nicholas Boyle. Gutted. Hannibal: How you left him. Abigail: Even though she's dead, I'm afraid that Marissa's gonna tell everyone I killed him and they'll think I'm just like my dad. Sorry. Can't really talk about this, in group. Hannibal: You don't have that luxury, Abigail. Abigail: I just have to get used to lying. Hannibal: You only have to lie about one thing. And when you're with me you don't have to lie about anything. Abigail: In the dream I wonder how I could live with myself. Knowing what I did. Hannibal: And when you're awake? Abigail: When I'm awake, I know I can live with myself. And I'll just get used to what I did. Does that make me a sociopath? Hannibal: No. It makes you a survivor. [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: It's important to know when it's time to turn the page. Have you thought about applying for schools? Abigail: My dad killed girls at all the schools I applied to. Hannibal: Perhaps that can wait then. Abigail: I wanna work for the FBI. Hannibal: I would certainly feel safer if you were in the FBI... protecting my interests. Abigail: They wouldn't let me though, would they? Because of what my dad did. Hannibal: Only if they believe that's in your nature too. Abigail: Nature versus nurture. Hannibal: You're not your father's daughter, not anymore. What if it weren't so painful anymore, to think of him? Abigail: My dad? Hannibal: Yes. Have you ever tried Psilocybin? Abigail: Mushrooms? That's what's in the tea? Hannibal: Yes. There are those psychiatrists who believe that altered states could be used to access traumatic memories. Abigail: I have all the access to traumatic memories I need. Unlimited access. Hannibal: Which is why we need to supplement them with positive associations. No more bad dreams, Abigail. Abigail: You want me to do drugs? Hannibal: I want you to do this drug. With my supervision it's quite safe. Do you trust me? [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: Bangor, Maine. Stamford, Connecticut, and recently Reston, Virginia. Jimmy: This places each of the murders approximately five hundred miles from the one before it. Jack: Right. Brian: You're trying to establish a geographical pattern, when the murders were weeks apart. Will: Other patterns too. Our shooters are minors middle children from traditional affluent families. Jack: We know they're moving South, so that means we wanna cover the border of North Carolina and Georgia. We need to get files on every missing boy within two hundred miles of North Carolina. Will: There's a pattern, less to do with geography than psychology. Jack: What kind of kid does this? Will: And what kind of kid follows a kid who does this? Jack: There's no indication that these kids came from abusive families. Will: No, no, no. Capture bonding. A passive psychological response to a new master has been an essential survival tool for a million years. Bond with your captor, you survive. You don't... you're breakfast. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Hobbs: Just like we talked about. [SCENE_BREAK] Abigail: Doctor Bloom said this was OK. Hannibal: Not at all, we often have a difference of opinion. Abigail: More secrets for us. Hannibal: Well. You and I will have many secrets. Infusing Psilosybin into the bloodstream before psychotherapy... can illicit a positive, even spiritual experience for patients. Psychological trauma is an affliction of the powerless. I want to give you your power back. Abigail: I don't feel so good. Hannibal: That feeling will pass. Allow it to wash over you, through you. Let me be your guide. Abigail: You're making breakfast for dinner? Hannibal: High life eggs. A chef in Spain called Muro claimed he invented it in the 19th century. Taste, is not only biochemical... it's also psychological. Abigail: Sausage and eggs was the last meal I was having with my parents. Hannibal: I know. It's also the first meal you're having with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Beverly: Without the interference of a leader, these kids would never consider violent action. Will: Our missing kid is a boy. A paradox in the midst of a normal family: he's an outsider who doesn't look like one. He'd have a vocation. Something inventive or mechanical. Beverly: Here's one. Family moved from Biloxi to Charleston to Fayetteville in the last three years. He won a junior high award for his work on pretty sophisticated computer circuitry. Alana: Why do you think these kids are susceptible to C.J Lincoln? Will: 'Cause our boy may have a brother, but their ages or their interests keep them apart, so he's a brother without a brother. Alana: Brothers looking for a mother. They're killing the mothers last. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: Yeah. Will: It's not just C.J Lincoln. There's an adult with some... formative sway. It's a woman, a mother figure I think. And she's looking to form a family. Jack: A family can have a contagion effect on some people. Influences them to adopt... similar behaviors and attitudes. Will: Whoever this woman is, she wants these children..to burst with love for her. But... she has to erase their family to do that. Jack: So she abducts them. Convinces them no one can love them as much as she does, and then makes damn sure of it. Will: A security camera in... a convenient store in Alexandria, Virginia caught footage of one Chris O'Halloran this morning, he was with an unidentified woman. Jack: Where's this kid's parents? Will: Fayetteville, North Carolina. [SCENE_BREAK] Mrs. O'Halloran: Christopher? Christopher: Hi, mom. Mrs. O'Halloran: Oh, my God! Chris. [SCENE_BREAK] Mrs. O'Halloran: No, no, no! FBI: Down! Down on the ground right now! [SCENE_BREAK] Will: Chris, wait. Don't shoot. It's OK. You're home now, put the gun down, Christopher. Kidnapper: Shoot him, Christopher. Will: Christopher. Please. [SCENE_BREAK] Christopher: Can I go home now? Jack: Well, I don't think you're gonna go home for a long time. You came here to kill your family, that's all anybody knows. It may be all that anyone ever believes. Christopher: I wasn't gonna do it. Jack: Well, you're gonna have to talk to a lot of people about it. And those people are gonna try and help you understand what you were really trying to do. Christopher: She told me... that they weren't my family... that we had to make our own family. Do you have a family? Jack: I don't have any children, no. Christopher: Then you don't know what it's like. Can I talk to my mom? My real mom. Jack: In a little while. But first I need you to talk to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Alana: As someone who makes such a big deal about common courtesy, I'm a little taken aback. Slash a lot taken aback, that you would take my patient... my patient! Out of the hospital without my permission. And I'm not a professional scold... but don't put me in this position ever again. Hannibal: I'm sorry. Alana: Rude! Hannibal shockingly rude! Hannibal: You have every right to be upset with me. I overstepped my bounds. Alana: Where is she? Hannibal: She's in the dining room. And, Alana... you were right. Alana: Often am. You have to be more specific. Hannibal: She wasn't ready to leave the hospital, she... experienced a bit of anxiety so I gave her a sedative. Alana: Sedative? What did you give her? Hannibal: I only gave her half a Valium, but she may be a little hazy. [SCENE_BREAK] Abigail: Hi, Doctor Bloom. Alana: Hello, Abigail. You were expecting me? Hannibal: Please. Abigail: You hungry? Hannibal made breakfast for dinner. Alana: I could eat. Hannibal: What is it? Abigail. What do you see? Abigail: I see family. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: Hello. Think it's too late for us to have kids? It is for me.
Plan: A: Two families; Q: How many families are found murdered? A: both mothers; Q: Who was killed last in the two families? A: the missing persons list; Q: What list had the sons of the two families been on for a year? A: approximately a year; Q: How long have the sons of the two families been missing? A: their old families; Q: What are the "lost boys" killing to bond more closely to their new family? A: Dr. Lecter; Q: Who does Graham continue his sessions with? A: Lecter; Q: Who takes Abigail Hobbs into his care? A: their families; Q: What did the boys give away? A: Abigail Hobbs; Q: Who does Lecter admit to having paternal feelings toward? A: Dr. Bloom's wishes; Q: Whose wishes did Lecter go against when he took Abigail out of the hospital? A: Bloom; Q: Who helps Graham realize that the boys are under the influence of a powerful but unnamed mother figure? A: psilocybin mushrooms; Q: What is the tea made from that Lecter gives to Abigail Hobbs? A: her traumatic dreams; Q: What does Lecter give Abigail to help with? A: Molly Shannon; Q: Who is the mother figure that the boys are under the influence of? A: North Carolina; Q: Where did the boys go after being tracked by a convenience store security camera? Summary: Two families are found murdered, with both mothers killed last. The only link between the families is that they both have sons who have been on the missing persons list for approximately a year. Graham concludes these "lost boys" are killing their old families to bond more closely to their new family. Graham continues his sessions with Dr. Lecter and confides that even if he finds the boys, he will never be able to give them back what they gave away: their families. He also admits to having paternal feelings toward Abigail Hobbs, which make him uncomfortable. Lecter's own interest in Abigail leads him to check her out of the hospital, against Dr. Bloom's wishes, and take her into his care. He gives her some tea made from psilocybin mushrooms to help with her traumatic dreams. Bloom helps Graham realize that the boys are under the influence of a powerful but unnamed mother figure ( Molly Shannon ) and uses footage from a convenience store security camera to track them to North Carolina in time to stop another young boy from murdering his family.
2.04 - The Road Trip to Harvard OPEN INSIDE LORELAI'S JEEP LORELAI: Ah. No music. I can't believe we forgot to bring tunes. RORY: Do you realize that neither of us has the vaguest idea where we are? LORELAI: What is a road tip without tunes? RORY: The sun is directly behind us. LORELAI: Never been in this car for any extended period of time without playing AC/DC. RORY: I have no idea which way it's going. LORELAI: I need my "Highway to Hell." RORY: It's right out the windshield there. LORELAI: There's nothing on the radio but Top 40 and Christian Rock. Christian Rock, there's an oxymoron for you. I need my tunes. RORY: Stop complaining about the tunes! LORELAI: Stop complaining about our whereabouts. RORY: Well, my complaint is legitimate, yours is infantile. LORELAI: Okay, you're right. [turns on radio] Ooh, ooh, yee-haw, yes. Country music, must be my lucky day. RORY: [turns off radio] We have to figure out where we're going. LORELAI: No we don't. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: The point of this is to be spontaneous. To drive and land someplace we've never been and never expected to be. RORY: Sounds risky. LORELAI: Sounds exciting. RORY: Serendipity has never been kind to us. LORELAI: Ah, yes, but I talked to serendipity on the phone last night. She feels bad about how she's treated us in the past. We had a nice chat. It's all gonna be different now. RORY: What did that sign say? It said "Don't" or "Death" on it. LORELAI: Relax. RORY: We're doomed! LORELAI: Wrong. We're being guided by fate. RORY: I think we're lost. LORELAI: We can't be lost. We don't know where we're going. RORY: You're going to stop before we drive into the Atlantic Ocean. LORELAI: I'll try. RORY: At least we'll know where we are. LORELAI: Unless it's the Pacific. [turns on radio] RADIO: "Coming up, a three song super set from Hootie and the Blowfish." LORELAI: Aghhh! RORY: Whaaaat! [Opening Credits] CUT TO FOOD STAND [Lorelai and Rory are at a roadside food stand.] LORELAI: You know what, I love road food. RORY: I love it too. LORELAI: I mean, what can be better then what they serve at a Haden's Nut House? RORY: Unless you don't like nuts. LORELAI: As if those people exist. You know, if I was in a rock band touring and stuff, I'd make the bus driver stop at every Haden's Nut House we pass. RORY: Wow, your Behind the Music is gonna be really wild. CUT TO INSIDE JEEP RORY: Okay, so if we continue on the way we've been going who are you calling? LORELAI: [dialing her cell phone] Uh, Sookie. RORY: Now? LORELAI: Uh, well, I didn't get a chance to call her before we left so she doesn't know about the RORY: Oh. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: You okay? LORELAI: Oh, I guess. It's just, um Hi Sookie, it's me. SOOKIE: [at the Inn] Hi Sweetie, you on your way in? LORELAI: Um, no, not yet. Actually, I'm um, I'm gonna be out of town for a couple of days. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Yeah, Rory and I decided to hit the road. SOOKIE: But how can you be hitting the road? You're supposed to be getting LORELAI: The engagement is off, Sookie. SOOKIE: What? What happened? LORELAI: Well, it's a long story. I don't really wanna go into all the whats and whys and gory details right now, but you should know we all still love Max, and to figure out exactly what happened, you'd have to dig up Freud himself and have him work on me full time. SOOKIE: Aww, honey, I'm so sorry. LORELAI: Thanks. So I hope you didn't get too far on that cake. SOOKIE: [looking at almost-completed 5-tier cake] No, no, no. That's one thing you can be thankful about. You caught me in plenty of time. LORELAI: Good. I know the kind of work you were gonna put into it, and I just would've killed myself if you'd gone to all that craziness for nothing. SOOKIE: Yeah, well, I've been so busy lately, I actually forgot about it. LORELAI: Listen, do me a favor. Mention canceling the wedding to Miss Patty, will you? That way, by the time we get back SOOKIE: The whole town will know within the hour. LORELAI: Then hopefully they will all have chatted it out of their systems before we get home. SOOKIE: Consider it done. So where you going? LORELAI: We have no idea. SOOKIE: Ah, my favorite kind of trip. LORELAI: Well, thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Just call the cell if you need anything. SOOKIE: Okie dokie. Buh bye. LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] SOOKIE: You were a good cake Clyde. I never should've named you. CUT TO INSIDE JEEP LORELAI: That had better not be a map. RORY: I'm sorry, but I'm openly defying your no map policy. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Mom, it's gonna be dark in a couple of hours and I don't want to sleep in the car. LORELAI: Ugh, my sense of adventure did not translate to my offspring. RORY: Now, to the best of my map reading abilities, we're headed towards Portsmouth, New Hampshire. LORELAI: Portsmouth. Huh. RORY: What? LORELAI: I actually have a friend in Portsmouth. Donald, uhh, something-or-other Stein. RORY: A close personal friend, huh? LORELAI: Donald moved there a couple of years ago and opened a B&B. RORY: Ughhh. LORELAI: No, it's actually supposed to be pretty cool. RORY: A cool B&B? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: That's like saying an understated Nicholas Cage movie. LORELAI: Listen, I myself am not usually a fan of the B&B, but Donald's place is different. RORY: Captain Corelli's Mandolin. LORELAI: I'm serious. RORY: 'Bella bambina at 2 o'clock.' LORELAI: Every room is decorated in a different weird style for a different century. RORY: That is kinda cool. LORELAI: Okay, let's go. RORY: Let's call. LORELAI: Let's go. RORY: Let's call. LORELAI: Sense of adventure. RORY: Let's go. CUT TO B&B [Lorelai and Rory walk into the B&B carrying their bags. A woman is sitting behind the front desk.] LADONN: Hello there. LORELAI: Hi. LADONN: Would you like to ring the bell? LORELAI: What? LADONN: Would you like to ring the bell, you or your daughter? LORELAI: I don't understand. LADONN: I'm not usually sitting here when guests arrive, so people ring the bell and they love to ring the bell, and you didn't get to ring the bell. LORELAI: Uh. . . [rings bell] LADONN: Well done. LORELAI: Uh, do you have a room available? LADONN: Yes, we most certainly do, you lucky pretty things you. LORELAI: See they have a room. RORY: Good. LORELAI: Um, does Donald happen to be here? LADONN: Oh no no, I bought this place from Donald last year. It's my place now. I'm LaDonn. LORELAI: Hi. Oh, yes, I noticed it was a little different. Actually, very different. LADONN: Oh, did you see it before? LORELAI: Pictures. LADONN: Well, it was wacky, just like Donald. It was fun, you know, but just a little too woo-woo. It was just too eclectic. I don't care for eclectic. I don't think B&B-ers do either. LORELAI: No, you wouldn't want anything out of the normal. LADONN: Okay, room number 3 is all yours. Welcome to the Cheshire Cat. LORELAI: Nice name. I'm gonna consult with my daughter for just one second. [walks away from the desk] We must leave this place immediately. RORY: And sleep where? LORELAI: Uh, a hollow tree, a riverbank, I don't care. RORY: Mom, I'm tired and I'm starving. LORELAI: Okay, she's named the place after an Alice in Wonderland character. This is my worst nightmare. RORY: And dying of exposure in a Jeep is mine. LORELAI: Okay, okay. [They walk back to LaDonn at the desk.] LORELAI: So, just point the way to room three. LADONN: I'll take you there myself. Let me just grab your bags. RORY: Oh, we can do that. LADONN: No no no no no, you are my guests. I won't hear of it. There you go. LORELAI: Oh. LADONN: Do you wanna ring the bell? You haven't rung the bell. RORY: Maybe some other time. LADONN: Follow me. [walks to staircase] Watch out for Sammy. LORELAI: Wowsie wowza. RORY: That's either Sammy or the cat that ate Sammy. [They walk up the steps past the cat.] CUT TO INSIDE ROOM 3 [LaDonn walks through the door carrying the bags, followed by Lorelai and Rory.] LORELAI: Aghhh! LADONN: What is it, dear? LORELAI: Uhh, there's just a lot RORY: A lot of flowers. LORELAI: Yeah, like a ton of flowers. RORY: A plethora of flowers. LORELAI: A load of flowers. LADONN: Thank you! I get so many compliments on this room. LORELAI: Yeah, are they moving? LADONN: It looks like it, doesn't it? There's foil in the paper and it gives it that illusion. Isn't it terrific? LORELAI: Unbelievable. LADONN: B&B-ers love a peaceful setting so that they can unwind from their hectic lives. What business are you in, dear? LORELAI: Oh, me? Uh, publishing. LADONN: How interesting. LORELAI: Mm. LADONN: Now if you need anything, you just ring down or come down 'cause I love company. And, oh, I don't want to forget to give you our activity list. Never a dull moment around here. LORELAI: Thanks LaDonn. RORY: Yes, thank you. [LaDonn leaves] LORELAI: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.' RORY: Oh, look. This is a book that past guests have written in. LORELAI: Mmm. RORY: 'This room made my soul soar.' LORELAI: Ugh. RORY: Ech. LORELAI: All right, enough grossness. Let's go eat. RORY: Oh food. I'm starving. CUT TO STAIRCASE [Lorelai and Rory start to walk down the steps, but stop when they see a bunch of people downstairs.] RORY: What? LORELAI: Dentists. Boston dentists. Cocktail hour at the Cheshire Cat. RORY: So? LORELAI: So our exit is blocked. RORY: Let's just rush pass them. LORELAI: Too risky. RORY: They're not assassins. LORELAI: Rory, if they catch us they'll clamp onto us like leeches, and you know what that means. RORY: What? LORELAI: Chitchat. Stomach-churning, mind-numbing, soul-deadening chitchat. RORY: Mom, I'm starving. I'm going down there, you can stay here. LORELAI: You're that hungry, huh? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Hungry enough to answer a hundred probing but only slightly differentiated from each other questions about Chilton, life in a small town, and your hunky hunky boyfriend? [Rory walks back up the steps. Lorelai follows.] CUT TO ROOM 3 [Lorelai sits on the bed looking through her purse while Rory is in the bathroom.] LORELAI: Ohh, ahhh, I struck gold! [pulling something out of her purse] RORY: What is it? LORELAI: Certs. RORY: Let me catch my breath. LORELAI: I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I bought Certs. RORY: Which would make those really old. LORELAI: Fuzzy. [Lorelai puts it back in her purse. They both sit at the head of the bed. They hear music coming from downstairs.] RORY: Perfect. LORELAI: A nice capper to the day. RORY: In the course of three hours, they've participated in every inane B&B group activity known to man. LORELAI: Let's just hope they finish with a mass suicide. RORY: We get cranky when we're hungry. LORELAI: Well, plus we're above everyone else on the planet. RORY: Clearly. LORELAI: Hm. RORY: So what do you want to do? LORELAI: I don't know. We could go to sleep. RORY: Mm, it's 8:23. LORELAI: Good Lord. RORY: I'm not really sleepy. LORELAI: Me neither. We could sing. RORY: Sing? LORELAI: Yeah, we could sing "Anarchy in the UK" at the top of our lungs. RORY: Oh, that would be good. Or, uh, we could talk. LORELAI: Oh, okay. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: What about? RORY: Oh, I don't know. Umm, Max? LORELAI: Uhh, no. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because I don't want to. RORY: You said we could talk. LORELAI: Yes, well I thought you meant about makeup or something. RORY: When have we ever talked about makeup? LORELAI: Never, that's why I thought now would be a good time. RORY: I just need to know if LORELAI: Goodnight Rory. RORY: But LORELAI: Goodnight. [turns off light] RORY: [turns on light] Are you sure that you're not just running scared? LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Because I think that you really love him but you're just freaked out LORELAI: Enough! [turns out light] RORY: and you don't know what to do! [turns on light] Because you did this before. With Max, in fact. LORELAI: Rory, I don't want to talk about this. I thought that by saying 'enough' and turning off the light, you would get the message. Apparently not. The skywriter will be here in a minute. RORY: I'm asking you a question. LORELAI: I am a grown woman. RORY: Says the woman with the "Hello, Kitty" waffle iron. LORELAI: I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter. RORY: I thought I was your best friend! LORELAI: When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation. RORY: Well I do. LORELAI: Well tough. RORY: Everything was planned! Everyone was excited, including you, and then all of a sudden, you're out! LORELAI: Well, I changed my mind. RORY: This is our life that you just tossed off! LORELAI: Hey, I didn't just toss off anything! RORY: We had plans! We made space in the closet! LORELAI: Oh Rory, just because we moved a couple of boxes is not reason enough for me to get married! RORY: Max was counting on this! I was counting on this! LORELAI: Rory, stop it! We are not gonna have this fight in a flowery bedroom with dentists singing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" in the background. It's too David Lynch! RORY: I think you love him! LORELAI: Rory, go to sleep! RORY: I think you love him, and you got scared and you ran, but you're really going to regret it. And soon! LORELAI: Rory! RORY: Fine! [turns out light] Goodnight! [They both lay in the bed staring at the ceiling.] LORELAI: I'm sure. I wish I did love him. You have no idea how much. [Rory gives Lorelai a kiss on the cheek.] CUT TO ROOM 3 [The next morning, Lorelai sits on a trunk at the edge of the bed as Rory walks out of the bathroom.] RORY: What's with the face? LORELAI: Hmm, they're taller. RORY: Not this again. LORELAI: There's more of them. RORY: Mom, the flowers on the wallpaper are not growing or reproducing. LORELAI: Hm. RORY: Wait a minute. You weren't writing in this thing, were you? LORELAI: Maybe some random thoughts. RORY: [reading guestbook] 'Satanic forces are at work here.' Mom. LORELAI: What? RORY: What? What? We cannot write that in here. [changes it] Here. 'Sat and forever am at work here.' LORELAI: That doesn't make any sense. RORY: And it doesn't invoke the Dark Prince so I think it's preferable. LORELAI: Whatever. RORY: Hey? LORELAI: What? RORY: Last night? LORELAI: Oh, we're good. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: You know what isn't good? RORY: What? LORELAI: I ate the fuzzy Certs. RORY: Gross! LORELAI: They tasted like keys. RORY: Okay, enough. I have got to eat. Do you think the coast is clear downstairs? LORELAI: Let's check the schedule. Early morning nature walk, 7:30. Regional history talk, 8:15, bluppity blah bah bah bah. We're in luck. Breakfast just ended and the arts and crafts workshop doesn't begin for another thirteen minutes. RORY: We've got a window! LORELAI: It must be when they all shower. RORY: Grab your bag! LORELAI: Go go go! CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS [Lorelai and Rory walk down the steps thinking there's nobody around, but are suddenly stopped by LaDonn and some guests who are standing at a window.] LADONN: Hello strangers! RORY: Uh! LORELAI: Uhh, geez. LADONN: We've all been so worried about you two. LORELAI: What are you people doing? LADONN: We're watching hummingbirds. WOMAN: They're still out there if you wanna scooch in. MAN: They're the darndest things. Flap their wings a hundred times a second. It's an engineering marvel. LORELAI: That was not on the freaking list. LADONN: We don't put things like this on the freaking list, because the delights of nature aren't on any kind of time schedule. LORELAI: No, Lordy. WOMAN: So push in some chairs. We're gonna make some fresh scones. LADONN: Yeah, they're for tea this afternoon. I just brought out the first test batch. Have a taste. RORY: A taste would not be bad. LORELAI: Uh, maybe just a quick taste. [Lorelai and Rory both sit down and take a scone. The man and woman join them at the table.] WOMAN: So, LaDonn says you're in publishing. LORELAI: Huh? WOMAN: Publishing, you're in publishing? LORELAI: Oh yes, I am. MAN: Books, huh? You should find a field with less paperwork. LORELAI: Good one. [reaches for another scone] RORY: Mmm! Hey! LORELAI: You have two, I still have one! WOMAN: So, uh, publishing? LORELAI: Mm hmm. Yes, I do publish. Um, it's kind of a dry line of work, not much to talk about. LADONN: Oh, nonsense. It's fascinating. WOMAN: So what kind of books do you publish? LORELAI: Umm, mainly youth-oriented ones. WOMAN: Children's books? LORELAI: Sure. WOMAN: Oh, any that we've heard of? LORELAI: Probably not. WOMAN: No, wait, please. Give me some titles. I'll write them down and then when I get home, I'll look them up. Dave, do you have your space pen? MAN: Do you have to ask? WOMAN: Oh, he loves his space pen. MAN: They write under water. RORY: Cool. WOMAN: So, what are the titles? LORELAI: Well, there's um, 'Goodnight, Spoon' and um, 'The Horse that Wanted to Bark'. WOMAN: Oh, I think I've read that to my grandson. The horse learns to bark, and then he. . . oh, what happens at the end? LORELAI: He dies. RORY: But he learned to bark though, so it's actually an upper. WOMAN: So, where are your offices? LORELAI: They're in the umm in the building with the uhh, over on the road would you guys excuse me for just a second? I have to make a very important call concerning publishing. LADONN: Oh, well that's just fine. It'll give us a chance to get to know your lovely daughter here. WOMAN: She's so quiet. But we'll change all that. RORY: Mom, you promised not to do any business while on vacation. LORELAI: Honey, publishing waits for no man. Gotta keep the presses pressing. [walks away] WOMAN: So, tell us about your school. CUT TO STAIRCASE [Lorelai sits on the steps next to the cat and talks on her phone.] LORELAI: Hey Sookie, it's me. SOOKIE: [sitting at Luke's counter] Hey sweetie, how's the trip going? LORELAI: It's fine. Where are you? SOOKIE: Luke's. Got a nice little show going on here. [Kirk is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Luke is giving him his check. Sookie holds up the phone so Lorelai can hear them argue.] LUKE: You're been sitting there for two hours. KIRK: I just want a little more coffee. LUKE: You've had eight refills. KIRK: You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want. LUKE: I bet you know what I'm gonna say next. KIRK: That we're not in France? LUKE: Give or take a profanity. KIRK: Fine, I'll go. Can I have my check? LORELAI: So, um, how's the spreading of the news going? SOOKIE: Well, it worked just like you wanted, with one notable exception. LORELAI: Ooh, what? SOOKIE: He's just such a loner lately, the news hasn't gotten to him. LUKE: Is there anyway to speed this up Kirk? KIRK: Sorry. I'm trying to figure out the tip and I've always been terrible with math. What's six percent of four forty three? LORELAI: Could you just tell him now Sook, so I can cross this off my list? SOOKIE: Well, I ugh, he's coming over, hang on. Hey Luke? LUKE: Yeah? SOOKIE: Have you heard the latest news, kinda sad, Lorelai and Max? LUKE: What about them? SOOKIE: The wedding's off. LUKE: What? What happened? SOOKIE: You know, I don't really know. It was all kinda sudden. This is actually her now. LUKE: Oh, well, uh, tell her I'm sorry. That's tough. SOOKIE: He says he's sorry. LORELAI: Thanks. Talk to you later. Bye. SOOKIE: Buh bye. [hangs up] [Luke walks over to Kirk's table and serves him more coffee.] KIRK: What's this? LUKE: Refill number nine KIRK: I thought you said I had to go. LUKE: You can hang a bit. KIRK: Really? LUKE: Welcome to France. Coffee's on the house too. KIRK: Thanks. Or should I say gracias. LUKE: In fact, everyone's coffee's on the house today. I like your hat. MAN: Oh, thank you. CUT TO B&B [Rory is still sitting at the table with LaDonn and the older couple.] WOMAN: We have a son just a bit older than you. MAN: He's not good enough for her. WOMAN: Oh, Dave. He's a freshman at Brown. MAN: He majors in MTV. WOMAN: Oh you're horrible! MAN: Honey, we don't even know if she's on the market. RORY: Oh, I'm not on the market. I'm definitely off the market. LADONN: She has a boyfriend. WOMAN: How cute! LADONN: Tell us all about him. [Lorelai returns to the table] RORY: Mom! I saved you a scone, you love me right? LORELAI: Uh, sorry everybody. I'm gonna have to drag her away now. RORY: Aww shucks. It was so nice talking to you. [leaves] WOMAN: Lovely talking to you dear. Oh, so cute. CUT TO ANOTHER DOWNSTAIRS ROOM RORY: I now have abandonment issues. LORELAI: I had to make a call. RORY: You left me hanging. LORELAI: I owe you one. RORY: Big time. LORELAI: All right. Well, you're out now, what do you wanna do? RORY: Kill you. LORELAI: And? RORY: I don't know. What do you wanna do? LORELAI: Bounce tennis balls off of Sammy? RORY: Seriously? LORELAI: I'm not sure. Why don't you pull out the map you're hiding? RORY: I'm not hiding a map. [Lorelai stares at her] RORY: Well, I didn't want to drive around aimlessly again today. [pulls out map] LORELAI: I got it, I got it. So what's near? RORY: Um, Concord. LORELAI: What is that, like look at grapes? RORY: Manchester. LORELAI: Uh, been there, done that. RORY: You've never been there. LORELAI: Well I feel like I have. RORY: Salem. LORELAI: Ooh, witches and stonings! There's something there. RORY: Boston, Newton, Needham LORELAI: Oh, go go go go back. RORY: What? Boston, Newton? LORELAI: I know where we're going. RORY: Where are we going? LORELAI: You will love it. RORY: [starts folding map] Well, if you tell me where we're going I can chart a course and I can [Lorelai walks over and crumbles up the map] RORY: You're folding it wrong! LORELAI: Is it smaller? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Then it's not wrong. Let's go. I will get you a new one when we get there. RORY: Where are we going? CUT TO HARVARD UNIVERSITY [Lorelai and Rory stand in front of the entrance gate for Harvard.] RORY: I don't believe it. LORELAI: Believe it, 'cause there it is. RORY: Harvard University. LORELAI: It's really real. RORY: It looks just like the pictures. LORELAI: Beautiful. RORY: What are we doing here? LORELAI: We are beholding your future. RORY: It's big. LORELAI: You have a big future. RORY: I can't believe it. I'm actually standing outside of Harvard. LORELAI: Come on. RORY: Wait. Come on where? LORELAI: Inside. RORY: We can't go inside. LORELAI: Why, is there a force field or something around the place? RORY: This is Harvard. LORELAI: I know. RORY: This is Harvard. LORELAI: I know. RORY: You can't just go inside. You need a guide. LORELAI: I'll be your guide. RORY: What do you know about Harvard? LORELAI: I know this. Look, there's Harvard. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Hey, don't you want to see it? Huh? The place where you'll be living and studying and developing very naïve but pretentious world views that will come crashing down the minute you graduate? RORY: Yeah, I do. LORELAI: So? Come on, you know you want to. All the other kids are doing it. RORY: Harvard. [They walk through the gate.] CUT TO HARVARD COURTYARD [Lorelai and Rory are walking as Lorelai reads through a guidebook.] LORELAI: Wow! Harvard is over 300 years old. RORY: Founded in 1636. LORELAI: That means that almost everyone who ever went to Harvard is dead now. Are you sure you still want to go here? RORY: Yes, I'm sure. LORELAI: They developed the pacemaker here. Also, discovered how electromagnetism and radioactivity are two manifestations of the same force and postulated existence of a charmed quark. I was wondering who did that. RORY: The smarties at Harvard. LORELAI: Holy smokes. They get an average of 18,000 applicants every year and only 2,000 get in. Those are not good odds. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: No no no, you're different. Past graduates. Henry James isn't that a beer? RORY: And a novelist. Go on. LORELAI: John Adams. That's a beer! RORY: Our second president. He's very in right now. LORELAI: W.E.B. Du Bois, Yo-Yo Ma. Oh cool! Fred Gwynn. RORY: Who? LORELAI: Herman Munster. Now I'm impressed. RORY: Do you want something? LORELAI: Yeah, a nice cold Henry James. RORY: Or some coffee? LORELAI: Or some coffee. RORY: I'm ordering coffee at Harvard. [Rory goes to order from a vendor. Lorelai starts reading a bulletin board.] LORELAI: Hey, there's people looking for roommates. Tons of them. 'Wanted, girl to share a two bedroom apartment located on trial bridge, quiet street, quiet building, so quiet roomie a must.' Join a convent and cloister yourself you loser. RORY: [walks back] Mom, it's gonna be two years before I go to Harvard. These people will have roommates or have graduated by them. LORELAI: Who says these are for you? RORY: Who are they for? LORELAI: Me. If you're gonna live in a dorm, I need a room nearby so I can come visit. RORY: How often are you gonna visit? LORELAI: I don't know, every other day. Too much? What's too much? [Rory walks back to the vendor. A male student walks up to the bulletin board.] STUDENT: Man, there are a lot of postings here. LORELAI: Oh yeah, there sure are. STUDENT: You looking for a place to live? LORELAI: Uhh, maybe. STUDENT: Well there's a lot of choices. Something for everybody. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Unless you're one of those existentialists who can't really figure out what they want. STUDENT: Good point, good point. Hey, I think we have a class together. Contract Law, Professor Chefferson? LORELAI: Oh yeah, Chef's class. STUDENT: Right. I've been meaning to say hi to you. LORELAI: Really? STUDENT: Yeah. LORELAI: Oh, hi. STUDENT: Hi. LORELAI: Hi. STUDENT: So do you like the class? LORELAI: Um, it's not too bad. STUDENT: He's kinda got a monotone voice. If I don't caf up he puts me right to sleep. LORELAI: Oh, I'm about to caf up right now just for the hell of it. STUDENT: Okay. So I'll see you in class. And maybe at that Phi Cap party tonight? LORELAI: Ginchy! STUDENT: Cool. Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [Student leaves. Rory walks back with coffee.] LORELAI: I think I'm gonna like college! Ooh, did you hear? I used existentialist in a sentence! RORY: I heard! LORELAI: I've always wanted to do that. RORY: It was very impressive. LORELAI: Ah! [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO COURTYARD [Lorelai and Rory walking along. Rory suddenly stops to stare at a building.] RORY: Oh my. LORELAI: What's this? RORY: It's the library. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: The biggest library I've ever seen. LORELAI: Uh oh. Brace yourself. RORY: What? LORELAI: This is just one of the libraries. RORY: One of the libraries? LORELAI: This building is one component of a thirteen million volume collection housed in more than ninety different libraries. It's the oldest library in the United States and the largest academic library in the world. Breathe, breathe. RORY: I'm a failure. LORELAI: What? RORY: I am stupid. LORELAI: Oh stop. RORY: I am uniformed and ignorant and. . .I can't even think of a second synonym for uninformed. I suck. LORELAI: Honey. RORY: Thirteen million volumes? I've read like, what, three hundred books in my entire life and I'm already sixteen? Do you know how long it would take me to read thirteen million books? LORELAI: But honey, you don't have to read every one of them. "Tuesday's with Morrie?" Skip that. "Who Moved My Cheese?" Just stuff you already know. RORY: Okay, but every kid coming to Harvard is inevitably reading books, and different books, and I want to be able to converse intelligently with each of them and I can't do that unless I read books, at least a few from every genre and sub-genre. LORELAI: Okay, come on. I'm getting you out of here. RORY: I sleep too much. LORELAI: No you don't. RORY: I've been frittering away my whole life. LORELAI: You don't fritter. RORY: Did I mention I suck? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Well I do. LORELAI: No. CUT TO RESIDENCE HALL [Lorelai and Rory are walking past a dormitory.] LORELAI: This is a dorm? Not bad, huh? RORY: Pretty, actually. LORELAI: Come on, let's see what it looks like on the inside. RORY: It says "Residents Only" in plain English. CUT TO INSIDE DORM RORY: We're gonna get in trouble. LORELAI: You're such a worrywart. Ooh, get in character. RORY: What? [Two female students are walking down the hall.] LORELAI: Hey there! GIRL 1: Hi. LORELAI: I'm Angie, this is Trish. GIRL 2: Hi. LORELAI: How's it going? GIRL 1: Not bad. LORELAI: Oh, cool. We're just kinda hanging out between classes. We got Chef next. So, we'll probably see you at the Phi Alpha Beta thing tomorrow, right? GIRL 1: Maybe. LORELAI: Yeah, I know, we're not sure either. They can be so totally lame. Gag me. GIRL 1: Yeah. See ya. [Students leave] RORY: You do realize that all of your college kid jargon comes from 'Happy Days' and the 'Valley Girls' song? [They stop in front of a room with the door open.] LORELAI: Unh! Lookie lookie here. RORY: What? LORELAI: Ooh, I wanna see a room. Hello! RORY: They have pictures of their rooms on their website. LORELAI: So I prefer reality, thank you. Hello! Coast is clear. [walks into the room] RORY: The coast is not clear. LORELAI: Susie! RORY: We're now officially breaking and entering. LORELAI: Susie! RORY: Why are you saying that? LORELAI: 'Cause it's our cover in case we get caught. Plus there's a thirty percent chance that the girl living in this room is named Susie. Wow, tiny. RORY: It is tiny. LORELAI: Your Oxford English Dictionary's gonna need a room of it's own. RORY: It'll fit somewhere. LORELAI: One window, brick wall. You're gonna need a better view. RORY: Well, this isn't my room to begin with. LORELAI: At least there's two beds. Somewhere for me to sleep. RORY: That would be my roommate's bed. LORELAI: Oh, you don't want a roommate. RORY: I don't think I have a choice. LORELAI: They just force someone on you? RORY: It's all part of the socializing experience. LORELAI: What if it's a lemon? RORY: Then I'm stuck with a lemon. LORELAI: Hari Krishna banging a tambourine all night? RORY: Then I have to get earplugs. LORELAI: Serial murderer? RORY: Then I sleep with a gat strapped to my ankle. LORELAI: Someone who likes Linkin Park? RORY: Then I have to drop out. LORELAI: Mm hmm. Ah, look! I had these same pants back in high school. RORY: Can we just go now please? LORELAI: I'm in again. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Okay. Just come over here and let me take a picture with you sitting at the desk. RORY: What? LORELAI: Yeah, really get into it. Pretend like you're studying. RORY: Uhh, okay. LORELAI: What is that you're writing in the air? RORY: Can we just take the picture? LORELAI: Okay, okay. [They exit room as a girl is starting to enter.] LORELAI: Oh, hey Susie. [They hurry out down the hallway] CUT TO INSIDE BUIDLING [Lorelai and Rory are walking down a hallway of one of the academic buildings.] RORY: God, these classrooms are huge. LORELAI: Better to fit those big Harvard brains. [They stand in the doorway of one of the lecture halls and listen.] PROFESSOR: . . . had given birth. Reckon on everything, expect everything. What sort of thought is this? STUDENT: Depressing? PROFESSOR: On the surface, maybe. But go underneath. What is he postulating beyond fatalism? LORELAI: Are we allowed to be hearing this? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: They wouldn't charge you a hundred bucks or something just for listening to part of a class? RORY: I don't think Harvard would nickel and dime people like that. LORELAI: Hey, I'm gonna find a ladies room. You know, sneak a smoke, see if anybody slipped an aspirin in my coke. RORY: Okay, Rizzo. I'd like to listen a little bit more. LORELAI: I'll be back. RORY: I'll be here. PROFESSOR: The stoics believe the greatest happiness resulted from leading a virtuous life [Rory drops her coffee cup, everyone turns around to see what the noise was.] PROFESSOR: In or out? RORY: Excuse me? PROFESSOR: If you're going to take the class, you have to take a seat. RORY: Oh, uhh, okay. Sorry. [sits down] PROFESSOR: Okay, where were we? CUT TO HALLWAY [Lorelai walks out of the ladies room. She stops to stare at the wall of class valedictorians. A few seconds later, she hears Rory's voice from inside the classroom.] RORY: That's an interesting point, Professor, but I'm not sure I agree with it. CUT TO CLASSROOM RORY: That's because stoicism was not about giving up things, of money and luxuries and stuff. PROFESSOR: That's right. By the time he was in his early forties, Seneca had earned enough money to acquire villas, farms, he ate well, he loved expensive furniture, but he didn't consider that a non-philosophical way to live. [Lorelai watches from the doorway.] RORY: It's all kind of relative though. STUDENT: Oh, here we go. RORY: What? STUDENT: We can't get through a class without debating relativism. RORY: I just meant that luxury to some is not necessarily luxury to others. PROFESSOR: A better subject for another time. RORY: Oh sorry. PROFESSOR: No, no, your point is well taken, but it's different than the matter at hand. What we're talking about is Seneca's choosing the better more comfortable of two options while remaining a stoic. RORY: [to student] Thanks. This was fun. [walks out] CUT TO HALLWAY [Lorelai and Rory walk out of the classroom.] RORY: Did you see me? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: I was in college. LORELAI: It was amazing! RORY: Did I look like I belonged? LORELAI: Completely. You're a natural RORY: I can't even believe how it happened. I just sort of got swept up and then the teacher asked a question, and before I knew it LORELAI: You were blowing them away. RORY: Well, I don't know if I was blowing them away but suddenly I was talking and I couldn't stop. LORELAI: I know that feeling. RORY: College is gonna be amazing. I can't wait. I love college. I love Harvard. I love fatalism. CUT TO B&B [LaDonn carries their bags down the stairs while Lorelai and Rory follow.] LORELAI: Oh, please LaDonn, we can carry the bags. LADONN: Nonsense. RORY: But they're so heavy. LADONN: I'll just get them down the stairs for you. Whew. Let me catch my breath here. LORELAI: Oh, wow! Sammy's AWOL, huh? LADONN: Hmm? LORELAI: Oh, Sammy. It's like the first time that she hasn't been there on the stairs. LADONN: What, my Sammy? LORELAI: Yes. LADONN: Oh, she's rarely ever on the stairs. LORELAI: Oh no, she's always right there. LADONN: On the stairs? LORELAI: Yes. LADONN: No, she has her favorite places, but not on the stairs. LORELAI: There has not been one moment over our entire stay when she has not been right there. LADONN: On the stairs? LORELAI: Yes. LADONN: Oh, she's hardly ever on the stairs. RORY: Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown. [They walk to the front desk.] LADONN: Everything's on your card. I hope you enjoyed your stay. Did you enjoy your stay? RORY: Very much. LADONN: Aw, very much? LORELAI: I sat and forever am at work here. LADONN: What? RORY: It was great. LADONN: Well, there you go. Drive safely, and tell all your friends about the Cheshire Cat. LORELAI: Oh, you bet we will. LADONN: As soon as you leave, I'm gonna do my favorite part of the job. LORELAI: Oh, what's that? LADONN: I'm gonna read what you wrote in our guestbook. LORELAI: Give us a five minute headstart? LADONN: Beg pardon? RORY: Thank you. [They pick up their bags and walk out the front door.] CUT TO INSIDE JEEP [Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai and Rory are driving to their house.] RORY: You know what I love most about Harvard? LORELAI: No, what? RORY: They don't sell giant foam fingers. LORELAI: No, they've got class out the wazoo. Home. RORY: Feel like we've been gone a long time. LORELAI: You know what's weird? Every time I leave town, even for just a little while, I always expect everything to look different. RORY: And it never does. LORELAI: It never does. [They drive by townies offering sympathetic looks, including Miss Patty dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief, and Kirk with his arms wide open.] KIRK: Need a hug? LORELAI: Patty's good. [They pull in their driveway.] LORELAI: So, what about dinner? RORY: It should probably be something healthy since we've been eating junk the whole trip. LORELAI: We had lettuce on our burgers last night. RORY: You picked it off. LORELAI: But it left its essence. RORY: There was lettuce essence on our burgers? LORELAI: Definitely. RORY: And that satisfied our vegetable requirement? LORELAI: For the week. RORY: We can't argue with cold hard facts. [Lorelai notices the chuppah in the front yard and stares at it.] RORY: What? Oh, I forgot about that. LORELAI: Me too. Well, everything's the same. [Lorelai walks over to the chuppah and starts to cry as she stares at it.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai is showing slides of the road trip as Emily and Rory sit on the couch.] LORELAI: This is Sever Hall, one of the oldest buildings in Harvard. EMILY: Focus the picture Lorelai. LORELAI: It is focused. RORY: That's how it came out. EMILY: It's hurting my eyes. LORELAI: Come on Mom, they're supposed to be a little arty. RORY: Plus she doesn't know how to use her camera. LORELAI: I've only had it six years. EMILY: It's like I have glaucoma. What's that? LORELAI: That is a Harvard squirrel. EMILY: Good grief. RORY: Sitting on a Harvard rock. LORELAI: Doesn't he look smart? EMILY: He looks dirty. Next. LORELAI: That's Rory's dorm, and part of my finger. RORY: It's not my dorm yet. We just saw a dorm and figured it might be mine. EMILY: Why in the world do you insist on taking slides? LORELAI: I like slides. EMILY: But prints are so much easier, and faster to get through. LORELAI: That's what I hate about prints. You give people this big pile of pictures that you're so proud of and they end up just flipping through them super fast without really seeing them or giving you a chance to narrate them like you can with slides. RORY: I stopped her from adding music. EMILY: I'm eternally grateful. LORELAI: I like the bigness of slides too. Makes you feel like you're really there. EMILY: Yes, this one makes me feel just like I'm in your finger. LORELAI: Oh. You're just jealous that we didn't invite you to come along. RORY: Next time. EMILY: Next time you go to Harvard, you're going to do it properly, with a scheduled visit and a guide. RORY: I told her about the guide. EMILY: And why would you go out of town now so soon before your wedding? Didn't your fiancé mind? LORELAI: Oh, well EMILY: I mean, you act as if this coming weekend is just going to be business as usual and not the most important day of your life. RORY: Mom. EMILY: What? LORELAI: Well, it's about this weekend Mom. EMILY: Yes? LORELAI: I should've told you before. EMILY: Oh my God, you didn't! LORELAI: What? EMILY: You did! LORELAI: I did what? EMILY: You eloped! LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: I knew it! I knew you'd do anything to keep me out of this wedding. LORELAI: Mom, that's not EMILY: Well that is just cruel, Lorelai. A mother waits and plans for this day, even your mother. LORELAI: Yes, but EMILY: I bought a new dress, I got my hair done. LORELAI: It looks nice. EMILY: And tonight you just waltz in here, torture me for hours with these ridiculous slides, only to let me know at the last possible minute LORELAI: Mom, Max and I are not together anymore. The wedding is off. EMILY: The wedding's off? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: Are you sure? LORELAI: Yes, I'm sure. EMILY: Oh. LORELAI: Mom? EMILY: Who called it off? LORELAI: I did. You're thinking you're not surprised. EMILY: No I wasn't. LORELAI: You're thinking, 'Yes, I won that five bucks from Dad.' EMILY: Who would like dessert? LORELAI: What Mom? What are you thinking? Just tell me. EMILY: I was thinking I guess I have to return your gift. LORELAI: My gift? EMILY: That's right. LORELAI: You'll have to return my gift. That's that's what you were thinking? EMILY: That's right. LORELAI: That's it? EMILY: That's it. LORELAI: Oh. So you got me a gift already? EMILY: You were getting married. Gifts are expected. It's the proper thing to do. So how's ice cream sound? RORY: Ice cream sounds great. LORELAI: So what'd you get me Mom? [Emily walks out of the room. Lorelai follows her.] EMILY: I'm not gonna tell you that. LORELAI: Why not? It's for me. EMILY: But you're not getting it now. LORELAI: Iced tea spoons, right? EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Because nobody really needs iced tea spoons ever. I mean, you probably would use 'em if you remembered to use 'em but nobody remembers to use 'em because they're always in a different drawer than the everyday silverware. Out of sight, out of mind. So people just grab a regular old everyday spoon to stir with, and you know what, they work fine. EMILY: It wasn't iced tea spoons. LORELAI: Oh, uhhh oh, oh! Corn on the cob holder thingies! Sterling silver corn on the cob holder thingies? EMILY: Nope. LORELAI: Hah! EMILY: What? LORELAI: The tiny forks. EMILY: What tiny forks? LORELAI: The tiny forks with the tiny prongs and the tiny handles that I can only assume are used to eat the tiny food. EMILY: They're for lobster tails. LORELAI: So you did get the tiny forks! EMILY: You know what, I'm not returning the gift. I'm going to put it away in a closet and you won't know what it is until you do get married someday. LORELAI: Tell me now! EMILY: Sorry. LORELAI: Come on! Mom, I may never get married. I may be a free spirit my whole life or fall in love with a separated catholic guy like Katherine Hepburn did and then, and then not get to go to his funeral when he dies. EMILY: Well then you'll never get to know what I got you, will you? LORELAI: I've gotta know! EMILY: No. LORELAI: This is torture! EMILY: Tough. LORELAI: Okay, fine, forget it. I'm going to the bathroom. EMILY: I'm going to the kitchen. LORELAI: Hm. EMILY: Hm. [They both walk away. Cut to Rory, still sitting on the couch, listening to them.] LORELAI: HAH! EMILY: Oh God, you scared me! LORELAI: Come on, tell me! EMILY: Lorelai, get away. LORELAI: Tell me now. EMILY: I'm serious, get away from me. LORELAI: Please tell me. EMILY: This is not funny. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Later that night, Lorelai and Rory get out of their Jeep across the street from Luke's.] LORELAI: Hey, am I too far from the curb? RORY: Oh, you're within five feet. LORELAI: Close enough for jazz. RORY: What? LORELAI: Huh? RORY: Pick it up? LORELAI: You got it. LANE: Rory! [runs towards her] RORY: Oh my God, Lane! [runs towards her] LANE: I'm back! RORY: I see! LANE: Oh, did you ever think this day would come? RORY: I had hopes, dreams. LANE: I escaped from Korea, I'm home. Hi Lorelai. LORELAI: Welcome home, sweetie. LANE: It's so amazing to be back. When I got off the plane, I kissed the tarmac. LORELAI: Just like the Pope. LANE: It was hot and I burned my lips. RORY: Maybe that's why the Pope always looks so grumpy. LANE: I'm back! RORY: I know! LANE: Did you get my letters? RORY: Yeah, the first one was a little intense. LANE: Which one was that? RORY: The one that said Korea equals death with a bunch of exclamation points and your very sad face cut up plastered all over it. LANE: Okay, so that was a tad dramatic. RORY: Was it awful? LANE: You know what, it wasn't. LORELAI: Really? LANE: Some of it was great. RORY: No way. LANE: Yeah, some of the food's not so bad, and then my cousins were actually pretty interesting, and the best part, Korea is bootleg heaven. I totally scored in Seoul. Elvis Costello at the Marquee in 1978. A barely coherent Nico doing Dora songs in 1974, and even more barely coherent, Iggy Pop doing David Bowie songs naked in 1981. RORY: How did you get them past customs? LANE: Well, I strapped them to my body like in Midnight Express. RORY: Cool. LORELAI: I'll be in Luke's. [walks towards Luke's Diner] RORY: Okay. So it was just an open-ended plane ticket? LANE: Just to save money. I guess I kind of overreacted. RORY: Kind of? You did everything but tie a string with you at one end and the Statue of Liberty at the other. CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks through the door.] LUKE: Hey! LORELAI: Lewis and Clark have returned. LUKE: Oh yeah, which one are you? LORELAI: I don't know. Which one had to paddle the canoe? LUKE: Coffee? LORELAI: You have to ask? LUKE: So, uh, sorry about what happened you know, the wedding thing LORELAI: It's okay. I'm fine. I want everyone to know that. LUKE: Uh, I've been feeling like a jerk. LORELAI: Why? LUKE: Well, the way I had to come down on Max. I don't know, I was being a I don't know, what's that word you use, pickleschnitz? LORELAI: Schnickelfritz? LUKE: Yeah, that's it. LORELAI: Luke, it's okay, you already apologized for all that. LUKE: Well, I've been feeling kind of guilty. LORELAI: Don't. You are great, Luke. Just making me that chuppah alone LUKE: Oh, the chuppah! I left that stupid chuppah on your lawn! LORELAI: Hey, it's okay. LUKE: What an idiot! LORELAI: Really, it's okay. LUKE: Just this enormous reminder, just sitting on your lawn, mocking you. LORELAI: I didn't even see it mock, I promise. LUKE: I'll take it down in the morning. No, I'll take it down now. Hey, we're closing early. Chew it or lose it! LORELAI: Hey, Luke, it's okay, really. I, uh, I think I'm gonna keep it. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Yeah. It's beautiful, and you made it for me, and it doesn't have to be a wedding chuppah. It can just be a beautiful archway in our yard. I'll grow stuff on it. LUKE: Well, okay. Um, I'll help you move it around the yard, wherever you want it to be. LORELAI: Well, that'd be good. LUKE: So where'd you guys go? LORELAI: Well, we drove around a little, we hit a B&B, and we took a tour of Harvard. LUKE: Harvard. . . interesting. LORELAI: It was amazing. Seeing Rory there, in a dorm room, in a classroom. She fit. LUKE: Yeah, I can see her fitting there. LORELAI: She was right at home. LUKE: So, how you taking that? LORELAI: Taking what? LUKE: Seeing her fit? LORELAI: I loved it and I hated it. LUKE: That seems about right. LORELAI: Man, these past few days. . .just so many thoughts about my life then, my life now, what I missed. Thoughts about what I'll never have, and what I want to have. LUKE: Yeah, that's a lot of thoughts. LORELAI: You're not kidding. So can I ask you a question? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Have you ever set up a line of credit at a bank? LUKE: No. LORELAI: But you don't pay for everything with cash on hand, do you? LUKE: What's all this about? LORELAI: I think it's time to make a move. LUKE: Meaning? LORELAI: I'm diving in. Sookie and I are finally gonna open that inn. LUKE: Yeah, I know. LORELAI: No, I mean now. We've been talking about it and dreaming about it and it's time to finally get going on it. LUKE: Well, if the time is right. LORELAI: It is. Think I can hack being a business owner? LUKE: I think you can hack anything. LORELAI: Really? LUKE: Yeah. I mean, you know all the creative stuff to the job, and you can manage and uh, I've seen you try to add numbers, so I'd get an accountant first thing. LORELAI: Okay, yes. LUKE: So how far along are you? LORELAI: This far. LUKE: Well, listen, um, you know, I'm no financial genius, but you know, we can sit down sometime, and you can pick my brain on the few things I do know about. LORELAI: Really? LUKE: Sure, I've been around some. LORELAI: Can I ask you stupid questions? LUKE: There's no such thing. LORELAI: How does ink come out of pens? LUKE: All right, there is such a thing. But, um, you're going to avoid that when we sit down, right? LORELAI: Right. Thank you. LUKE: Yeah. And let me know when you need help with the thing that's not a chuppah anymore. LORELAI: I will. [leaves] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Lane are still outside talking] LANE: So fill me in. What have you been up to? I've gotta know everything. RORY: I've been to Harvard. LANE: No way. Oh my God! How? When? [Lorelai walks over] RORY: Well, we just got back. Mom, is it okay if I go to Lane's for a bit? LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I'll meet you back at the house. RORY: Okay. [Lorelai watches as they walk away.] LANE: Harvard, that is so cool! I mean, what did you see? RORY: Oh, Harvard Yard, classrooms, where I might live next year. LANE: How was it? RORY: It needs a spruce. [Lorelai takes out her cell phone and dials, then walks towards the Jeep.] LORELAI: Sookie, hey it's me, we're back. Good, it was good, but first things first. I wanna start moving on the inn thing. . .I mean, take serious steps. We're ready, don't you think? We're ready. . . Oh good! Well, meet me early at work tomorrow. Yeah. . . .I know, I'm excited too. [drives away]
Plan: A: the broken engagement; Q: What news did Lorelai and Rory escape to escape everyone's reaction to? A: Lorelai; Q: Who breaks down when she sees the chuppah that Luke made for her? A: Rory; Q: Who did Lorelai go on a road trip with to escape the news of the engagement? A: hell; Q: What is the bed and breakfast from? A: college life; Q: What does Rory get a taste of at Harvard? A: bootlegs; Q: What does Lane bring home from Seoul? A: tears; Q: What does Lorelai break into when she sees the chuppah that Luke made for her? A: the wedding; Q: What is off? A: an inn; Q: What does Lorelai want to open? Summary: To escape everyone's reaction to the news of the broken engagement, Lorelai and Rory hit the road, and stumble upon the bed and breakfast from hell before eventually arriving at Harvard, where Rory gets a taste of college life and Lorelai muses over what might have been; Lane comes home loaded with bootlegs from Seoul; Lorelai breaks into tears when she sees the chuppah that Luke made for her; Luke commiserates with Lorelai even though he's secretly overjoyed to hear that the wedding's off; Lorelai decides to get serious about making her dream of opening an inn a reality.
[Scene: Dawson's room. Dawson is going through a pile of tapes, and Pacey comes in carrying a piece of equipment.] Pacey: The commodore 64, the lawn dart, the rock-n-sockem robots, super sugar crisp, the laserdisc, and now, back from the halls of obsolescence, the betamax machine. Dawson: Hey, man, you are a lifesaver. I got less than 48 hours to become an expert documentarian, and all mom's newsreels are on beta. Pacey: What? Dawson Leery eschewing the ephemeral world of make believe for the gritty realities of real life? Has the world spun off course? Was the Dalai Lama spotted at Black Angus? Dawson: More like my mother's been dangling a big fat carrot. Human interest story she was working on at the network fell out at the last minute. Pacey: And? Dawson: And she says that if I can edit some raw footage by Friday morning, there's a chance she could whip it into shape and be on the air that night. Pacey: Hey, it's the chance of a lifetime. That'll make a guy change his vision. Dawson: Well, it's a temporary change. As soon as I get my foot in that proverbial door, I'll be right back in the magical land of make-believe. Pacey: I don't know, Dawson. I mean, you got an amazing opportunity here to change your whole genre. Real-life stories are always more compelling than anything you could dream up. Dawson: Real life is interesting, but it will never be as dramatic as a well-conceived narrative. Pacey: Look at everything that's been happening in your life lately. Are you honestly telling me that you could conceive of something more thrilling, more sexy, and more far-fetched? Huh? All right, fine. Who's your guinea pig? Dawson: It's Jack McPhee. Pacey: Again? Dawson: Gay kid joins losing high school team, overcomes adversity, battles antiquated stereotypes, an ends up becoming the star. Pacey: Now, if you're gonna mess with that story, you'd just be gilding the lily, Dawson. Dawson: It's a great story, but you can't just turn the camera on and let it run. Pacey: Why not? That's exactly what's happening here. It seems pretty interesting to me. Dawson: My mom must've taped over her work. [He turns on one of the tapes. His parents are there and 2 younger kids.] Mrs. Potter: [On Tape] Honey, this is Dawson. Can you say hi? Young Joey: [On Tape]Hi. He's my friend. Pacey: Is that who I think it is? Mitch: [On Tape] This is Joey, Dawson, can you say hi? Young Dawson: [On Tape] Hi, Joey. Pacey: Once a heartbreaker, always a heartbreaker, huh, Dawson? [Opening Credits] [Scene: Gram's Kitchen. Grams is at the table when Jen enters wearing Her Cheerleader's outfit, with some ripped up fishnet stocking.] Jen: Mornin'. Grams: Why do you insist on degrading your team colors like that? Jen: Well, Grams, the fishnets only come in black, and the matching leather whip, it's on back order. Grams: Jennifer. Jen: Come on, Grams, the entire notion of cheerleading is just a sexist attempt to try and objectify the female body. I'm making a statement. Grams: You're making a mockery. Jen: The mockery has been made. I'm simply pointing it out. Although, I got to tell ya, I don't know how many more pep rallies and spirit cookies I can actually stomach. Grams: Your school has an important game coming up. Right now they need your leadership and verve. Back when I was on the pep squad, we relished the opportunity to show off our team spirit by wearing our uniforms to school. Jen: Grams, I hate to break it to you, but you were showing off a bit more than just team spirit. Grams: Jennifer. [Scene: School Hallway. Joey is walking down the hallway. A Stand Up starts to follow her, and when she turns back to it, it stops. She begins walking again, and it follows her some more, and she stops and turns again, and Pacey comes up behind a stand up.] Pacey: Like, oh, my god, go team. Joey: Ha ha. For a minute I thought you'd been possessed by these school spirit creatures from planet overzealous. Pacey: Not quite yet, but I am thinking about making a run for it before the pods hatch. What do you say, Scully? Joey: Cut class with you? Sounds delectable. I'll pass. Pacey: What if I told you that there was a mission to my madness? Joey: Are you serious? Pacey: But of course. Ze misseur in the stylish shirt request the presence of the madame for a very pressing appointment, ya? Joey: What is it? Pacey: Well, that would be the surprise part. Joey: Just tell me, Pacey. Pacey: Lets think about that...Nope. Joey: Well, fine. You won't tell me, then I'm not going anywhere. Pacey: Oh, little Jo, you're so cute. But friend to friend, honestly, you should check into some more of those feigning disinterest classes. Joey: Oh, thanks. But trust me, Pacey. I couldn't care less. Pacey: Well, ok. Whether or not you're actually interested, you have about 10 seconds to make up your mind after I round that corner. Starting now. One... 2... 3... [He goes around the corner. Joey, just watches him go, and then follows after him.] Pacey: 6 seconds?! 6? I mean, come on. Have you no pride? I thought you'd last at least to 8. Joey: I loathe you. [Scene: On the Football field. Jack and Dawson are there. Dawson is interviewing Jack on camers.] Dawson: People have been shocked at how well you've taken to the game. Did you love football as a child? Jack: Heh. I've only been playing football for a few weeks. I think the only subject I know less about is being gay, actually. I--I don't know. Some things are just instinct maybe. [Mitch comes up to them.] Mitch: Well, one thing jack has learned is the importance of starting practice on time. Go stretch out to run your 40s. Yes, sir. And taking a tenth off yesterday doesn't mean you can coast. Jack: Ok. Gotta go. Dawson: Uh, no problem. Ahem. We can take care of the coach Leery interview. What do you say, dad? Mitch: Uh, not now, Dawson. Dawson: But, dad, it's due tomorrow. Mitch: Dawson, you can get an extension. Me, I've got a game on Saturday, and I need these guys completely focused on football, ok? [He walks back to coach the team.] Mitch: Pick it up! [Scene: inside a huddle of football players. Henry is there showing everyone a mouth piece.] Henry: He wore it in the BC/Miami game. Spit it out right after throwing the Hail Mary, when the whistle blew, my brother, he ran onto the field and grabbed it. Football player: Well, the dude's got some big molars. Henry: They're crowns, actually. Check out the number 2 bicuspids. Remind you of anyone? [pulls his mouth open. Jen walks up to them.] Jen: Hey, what's everybody looking at? Jack: Oh, uh, well, apparently we're looking at Doug Flutie's old mouthpiece. Jen: A mouthpiece? That was actually in his mouth? Well, that's disgusting. Jack: Henry says it's his good luck charm. Jen: Henry needs his head examined. [She leaves them, and Henry goes up to talk to Jack.] Henry: What am I gonna do, Jack? I gotta do something. Jen Lindley, her voice is the sweetest music. Her very name is fire in my loins. Jack: Uh, just a thought, Henry, but next time you might want to just start by saying hello. [Scene: The Cheerleader group. Jen comes up to join them.] Cheerleader: Hey, we missed you this morning at the spirit table. Where were you? We were worried about you. Jen: Look, you guys, I stayed really late at that pep rally yesterday, um, I have limits. Cheerleader: Is this a low-iron day? Yeah, try not to let anyone else see you, 'cause it might hurt the auction. Jen: Auction? Cheerleader: The silent auction. Yeah, you should be really proud. It's like the most successful one we've ever had. Like, half the senior guys have already put in their bids Jen: What are you auctioning off? Cheerleader: Well, the winner gets to ride in on the minuteman mule at the end of the game. Jen: Uh-huh.. Cheerleader: And receive a kiss from the head cheerleader. Jen: Oh, no, they don't. Cheerleader: Now, Jenny— Jen. Jen: Ok? It's Jen. You know, this whole thing just started as a bad joke, an excuse to get out some excess energy, but do you see what it's turned into? I have pranced around in front of this entire school at pep rallies without even knowing what the hell pep is. I have listened to clack and prattle about car washes, dance-a-thons, and dog-sitting until I think I'm gonna puke up my homemade spirit cookies. Cheerleader: Jenny— Jen: And despite this itch I am getting on my ass from this polyester molest-me skirt, I've done it all with a smile on my face. But you know what ladies, the smile is gone. I'm sorry, but there is no way I'm going to be sold off like some harem girl to the highest bidder. Everyone has a limit, and I've reached mine. I quit. [Scene: School Hallway. Andie turns the corner and runs into a man carrying a bunch of papers, which he drops, and she tries to help him pick them up.] Andie: Ohh! Oh, uh, uh... E.T.S.? Man: Stop. Drop that folder. Back away from the material. Andie: Yes, sir. Man: Keep your hands in plain sight. Andie: Are you with the educational testing service? Man: That's confidential. Andie: I just hope nobody at Capeside high has done anything wrong, broken any rules, compromised the integrity of the exam. Man: Passing along that information would constitute a breach of security. Andie: Of course. Man: Do you know where Principal Green is? Andie: No, sir. But before you go, let me express my regret and recalcitrance at this incident. Man: Recalcitrance? Andie: Um, I mean, repentance. Repentance, as in contrition, compunction, you know, contriteness. Man: Good day, ma'am. Watch yourself. Andie: [Sigh] [Scene: On a deserted road. Pacey and Joey are walking down it talking.] Joey: This isn't a surprise, Pacey. It's a death march on a deserted road. Pacey: We're almost there. Joey: Why didn't we just drive? Pacey: Because, Potter, on occasion, my father actually likes to use his car. Joey: So I risk my future, to cut class, so I can stand in line at the post office and then traipse 5 miles through the wilderness carrying some stupid package. Pacey: [Moans] you know, did you ever stop to think about how much hormonally-charged energy you waste on these quick quips and the biting banter? Your life would be considerably more productive if you would just take some more, uh... Oh! What is that? Some more...Action. If you took more action. Joey: Oh, like voluntary manslaughter? Pacey: Well, how about like sticking out your thumb, huh? Joey: Oh, yeah? What else? Maybe hike up my skirt, pout my lips, strike some sexy pose for a horn dog trucker? Stick out your own thumb, you sexist toad. Pacey: I am not a sexist. I am a pragmatist, ok? Ever seen the sure thing? That film elegantly portrays one of life's simple truths. That a female, standing on the side of the road, even one with a perpetual scowl such as yourself, has a better chance of flagging down a car than a guy. Joey: Since I'm the only one here with an opposable thumb, I guess it's up to me to use it. [A car comes down the road.] Pacey: And here's your chance. [She puts her thumb out, and Pacey jumps into the bushes. The car stops and she looks in to see Principal Green.] Joey: Hi. Principal Green: Today's your lucky day, Miss Potter. Need a ride back to school? Joey: Thanks. [rustling bushes as Pacey climbs out.] Pacey: Ohh! Oh! Principal Green, hoo! Thank god you are here. In preparing for our botany assignment, it appears that Josephine and I-- we wandered significantly farther away from the school than we had anticipated. Frankly, I was beginning to worry that we weren't going to make it home by nightfall Principal Green: [laughing] That's a good one, Pacey. Pacey: Heh heh. Well, you know, let it never be said that I'm lacking in the creativity department. Principal Green: Let's hope you're not lacking in the calamine lotion department either. Now, put down the poison oak and get your butts in my car. Pacey: Heh, ah, after you, Josephine. [Scene: In the locker room. He has been setting up the camera, and is getting ready to interview his father.] Dawson: All right, dad Dad. Mitch: Huh? Dawson: Look, I know you're busy. I just need 10 minutes of your time. I'll be out of your hair. Mitch: Can't it just wait till after the game? I promise I'll have plenty of time for ya after Saturday. Dawson: Dad, I got to fed-ex this thing out. Mitch: Fed-ex? Dawson: Yeah, to mom at the station. Mitch: Station? What are you talkin' about? Dawson: The story I'm doing on jack. Mitch: Your mother wants to do a story on jack? Dawson: I want to do a story on jack. I am doing a story on jack. Mitch: This is gonna go on television? When? Dawson: Hopefully tomorrow. Dad, we talked about this. Mitch: I thought this was one of your school projects. Dawson: It is a project. Dad, remember last night in your kitchen the blond-haired kid who was moving his lips? That was actually me telling you this. Mitch: Dawson, this is the last thing that I need right now. Dawson: Oh, why is that? Mitch: Because football is a head game, and I can't risk my best player or any player for that matter, losing focus. I've worked too damn hard. Dawson: Forgive me if my entire future conflicts with your precious football team. Mitch: Aw, don't be so theatrical. I'm the one with the football-loving principal breathing down my neck. I am trying to build a living here. Dawson: What do you think I'm doing, dabbling in a hobby? That's the kind of opportunity I've waited for my entire life. Mitch: All 16 years of it? Dawson: Oh, so, the importance of a person's dreams is measured by their age? Mitch: There will be plenty of other opportunities, believe me. Dawson: Are you telling me not to do this? Mitch: I don't have to. Because I know you'll make the right choice. [Scene: at the Marina. Joey is working. Dawson comes up to her.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. You must be lost. Bimbo cove is up the creek, right past brainless bay. Dawson: You can save your ammunition, Joey. Eve and I aren't on speaking terms. Joey: You mean, you guys actually talked? Dawson: Among other things, yes. I need some advice. Joey: What else are dumped ex-girlfriends for? Dawson: It's about my father. Joey: Your father? What about him? Dawson: Well, he told me not to do the story on Jack and the football team. Joey: He did? Dawson: Well, not in so many words. He thinks it might jeopardize his career. His chances against Woodward. Joey: No offense, Dawson, but doesn't a nationally televised broadcast, kind of over shadow a high school football rivalry? Dawson: You'd have thought. I don't know. I mean, look at it from his point of view, you know? The last couple of years his cup hasn't exactly runneth over. He had to give up his dream restaurant idea, his wife stepped out on him with the Capeside equivalent of Ted Knight, and he's not exactly shining as a substitute teacher. Joey: So if you go ahead with the story, he could lose more than the game. He could lose self-respect. Dawson: Yeah. What do you think? Joey: Well, I think that the swords that are the father and son have finally crossed in conflict. I mean, face it, Dawson, this is the stuff of Greek dramas. Dawson: Yeah, but is this tragedy or comedy? Joey: Sometimes we fight our fathers, and they respect us, and sometimes... We fight them and... We lose them forever. You have to decide how you want to live your life. You know? What you can tolerate and... And what you're willing to lose. Dawson: Oh, god, this is so important to me, but if I do it, it's gonna kill him. Joey: Well... I hate to break it to ya, Dawson, but according to Freud, that's exactly what sons are supposed to do. [He pulls out a tape from his bag and hands it to Joey.] Dawson: I dubbed this for ya. Joey: What's this? Dawson: Something I found. Made me smile. I guess, now, you could call it a thank you. [He gives her the tape then leaves.] Joey: [Sigh] [Scene: Jen's bedroom. She is asleep, and there are a bunch of cheerleaders and Grams in the room looking at her.] Cheerleaders: It must be dried saliva. No, it's a zipper mark from the pillow. [Jen wakes up to see them.] Grams: Yes, that bright sensation in your eyes is, indeed, sunlight. Rise and shine, dear girl. These lovely young ladies have an urgent matter to discuss with you. Jen: I told you that I was through with cheerleading. And unless one of you is hiding a very large cup of black coffee under her pompoms, I suggest you leave. Cheerleader: Oh, no, we respect your decision to resign from the squad, Madison has accepted the leadership challenge but please, you must reconsider the kiss. Grams: Someone has bid $500. Cheerleader: But they've specifically stipulated that the kiss must come from you. Jen: I don't care if they bid the kingdom of Brunei, I'm not for sale. Cheerleader: What are we gonna tell the children of the CCHPC? Jen: The what? Grams: The Capeside County Home for Parentless Children. Jen: Orphans? That-- that's what the auction is for? Ohh... [Scene: School hallway. Andie is looking at some pamphlets on a table when Principal Green comes up to her.] Principal Green: Uh, Miss McPhee. Been looking for you. Andie: Principal Green. Principal Green: Yes, listen, uh, a critical problem has been brought to my attention, and I need to talk to you about it. Andie: [Nervous] What sort of problem, sir? Principal Green: It's a disciplinary matter. Andie: [Nervously] Disciplinary? Principal Green: Yes. Now, I'm unable to discuss it with you at length now, but if you come to my office Monday, we'll sit down and go over all of our options in detail. Andie: [Nervously] Options...Yes, sir. Principal Green: Monday morning. Be there. [Scene: Inside Principal Green's Office. He enters the office and Pacey and Joey are sitting there waiting for him.] Principal Green: So, since Mr. Witter's attempt at lying to me was so creative, I've come up with a little creative response in kind. Pacey: Well, coming from a just-minded soul such as yourself, I'm sure your punishment will be nothing but fair, sir. Joey: Oh, thank you, Eddie Haskell. Pacey: Where is your school spirit, Josephine? Joey: I think I left it cowering in the bushes. Pacey: Now that is a gross misconception. I hurled myself upon the flames of responsibility. Joey: I hope a deer tick crawled in your ear and laid eggs. Principal Green: Enough! Honestly. I am not sure how to get through to the two of you, but since you obviously have an affinity for one another, here's what I have in mind. [He grabs a box from the corner and brings it over to them. Pulls the mule head costume out.] Joey: No way. Pacey: Oh, that's not gonna happen. Principal Green: Oh, I'm glad to see we're all in agreement here. [Scene: School Stairway. Jack and another football player are talking, and Andie is sitting one of the bottom stairs while students are walking around her.] Football Player: I can't believe he caught the thing. It was way over his head. [Jack sees Andie and stops to talk to her.] Jack: Hey! Andie: Hey. Jack: What's wrong? Andie: Nothing's wrong. Why should anything be wrong? Jack: Because you're sitting in a stairwell of a public high school. Unless you're smoking or making out, it's cause for concern. [He gets her up and starts to walk down the hall.] Jack: Come on, I'm going to meet Dawson. We're gonna check out the footage from my interview. Andie: You went through with it? Jack: Yeah. It was cool. It went great. Andie: Well, it may seem that way today, but anything could happen tomorrow to rock your safe little world. Jack: What?! Andie: Jack, maybe you overlooked something. Maybe--maybe you didn't see every angle. Maybe you had a terrible moment of weakness. Maybe without even realizing it, you totally, irreversibly screwed up. Jack: Andie, it's not that big a deal. Why be so paranoid? Andie: Jack, you could live your entire life on the straight and narrow driving towards something you believe in, then what? One tiny little mistake, one little error in judgment, and the next thing you know, your car's on the side of the road, flipped over, wheels still spinning, and the radio on. Jack: What the hell are you talking about? Andie: I'm talking about being publicly shamed, exposed for what you really are. I'm talking about a life being ruined, cut short, nipped in the bud, I'm talking about breaking dad's heart. Jack: Dad? Andie: Think about how he's gonna feel, Jack, his disappointment, his humiliation. We are his pride and joy, Jack. Think about how hard he's worked for us over the years, how much he sacrificed. And now this, out in the open for everyone to see. Jack: Just calm down, all right? I mean, it's not like I'm still in the closet. Dad already knows I'm gay. Andie: I know-- yeah, I know. I know. I just want you to be careful, Jack. Every action has a consequence. Be sure you think this thing through. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Dawson's living room. Dawson and his father are watching his story on the news. The opposing coaches interview with Dawson.] Jack voice: No one really seems to care what I may or may not do off the field. Dawson's Voice: So you have no problem playing against someone who's openly gay? Coach: If a kid wants to come out wearing lipstick and rouge, we're gonna infringe on him the way we infringe on anybody else. No difference. [The show is over.] Dawson: Well... Mitch: I just lost the first game of my coaching career. Dawson: If you say so. Mitch: Dawson, that just went out to 3 million people. Not to mention you interviewed the opposing coach. Dawson: So? Mitch: So? So 2 days ago, nobody knew how good jack was or who he is. Now the whole world knows. You might as well have gone out and painted a bull's-eye on his back. Dawson: You never explained that to me, dad. Mitch: I didn't think I had to. It's pretty damn obvious! Dawson: Not to me it isn't! Instead of celebrating my first professional success in the world, we're sitting here worrying about a football game. Mitch: Don't make me out to be the bad guy here, Dawson. Yes, I'm angry, just like you knew I would be. Dawson: We're talking about a team that hasn't put a notch on the win column in 3 years. Mitch: Now what are we saying, that I'm wasting my time? Dawson: No, but I want you to have some perspective. Mitch: I can't even discuss this with you right now. You have no idea what you're talkin' about! Dawson: Thanks to you, I don't. Ever since you took this job, you haven't spoken to me. Mitch. I talk to you. Dawson: Not the way you talk to the guys on your team. Mitch: Well, you know what? They respect me. Dawson: I respect you, dad. It's just they're more the kind of son you wish you'd had. Mitch: That is not true. Dawson, I hum the theme from Close Encounters in my sleep! I reach out to you! And when we can't find common ground, I give you your space. Dawson: And when I take it, you get pissed off at me. Mitch: No. I'm just trying to break you out of your self-centered, self-righteous fantasy world long enough to look out for other people. Dawson: Since when is it my responsibility to look out for you? Mitch: What are you saying? Dawson: I'm saying I parent you, dad. I walk in on you having s*x. I give you advice. I'm the kid around here! Sometimes I might even act like it! [Scene: Football Game. The game is already going on. Capeside if on offense and They continually show passes to Jack. Who is immediately hit and tackled by several of the opposing team.] [crowd, chanting] defense! Whoo whoo! Defense! Opp. Coach: Come on, let's hit him! Hit him! Hit him! [Jack is on the bottom of a pile of the opposing players.] Player: Go back to tetherball, you limp-wristed homo! [Jack gets up with the help of his team mate.] Henry: This is getting ugly. Mitch: [On the sideline] Crackback, damn it! Crackback, crackback! Right guard blocks down. Litvack takes out the end! They're keying on Jack. He's getting killed out there. And our running game's DOA. Walk it off, McPhee! [Claps] good man! Walk it off! Walk it off. Jack: [To himself] I am walkin' it of, you walk it off. Mitch: You all right? Huddle up! Let's go! [On the stands. Dawson and Jen are watching the game.] Dawson: So tell me the truth. Is this all my fault? Jen: In a word... Yes. Look on the bright side, Dawson. At least when this is all over, win or lose, you won't be on the 50-yard line puckering your lips for some spoiled brat with furry teeth and halitosis. [Cut to the sideline. Pacey and Joey are there with the box containing the Mascot costume.] Pacey: Just think of it as method acting. Joey: Think of it as out of the question. Pacey: I'll flip you for it. Joey: Not a chance! Pacey: Die die bo? Joey: Forget it. Pacey: Fine. I'll just cut to the chase for you--please, Joey! Please, please, please! Don't make me go out there. Joey: Look, I'm supposed to be at work right now making much-needed money, but instead, because of you, I'm standing on a football field fighting over the rear end of a mule. Pacey: Fine. Fine. I was just giving you fair warning. Joey: What? Pacey: I tend to get a little carsick in backseats. [She just looks at him, and then puts the head on him.] [Scene: Close up of Andie's Face. She is trying to explain something.] Andie: Principal green? I made a mistake. Well...A terrible error in judgment, really. I know that there's no excuse for what I've done, so I won't waste your time, but there is an explanation, one that I can only pray you'll find in your heart to understand. See, there this guy... And when I met him, it was like... Like a shade going up in a dark room and light suddenly pouring in. He understood me in a way that no one ever did or could. And then, just as suddenly, the room got dark again. In my mind, I mean. See... Over the summer... I was treated at a psychiatric hospital. I didn't have to stay long, because I got better. But when I came back, I had lost the guy. He was...My soul mate. It was like having...an organ, my heart, literally ripped from my body. And all I could feel was cold and empty, my future slipping away. And I had lost the love... So I was determined not to lose my life, and that's why... I stole the test, and that's why I cheated. Because I wanted to try to keep it from all getting away from me, and...I know that I only made things worse. So... Now all I can ask for is your compassion. [The camera pulls away, and she is standing in front of a mirror in her bathroom.] [Scene: In the stands. The first half has just finished. Dawson and Jen are in the stands.] Dawson: Let's go. Jen: Where are we going? Dawson: To even the score. [Scene: Inside the Locker room. Mitch is giving the team a pep talk.] Mitch: Come on, guys. You can't let 'em get to ya! They are psyching you out! Taking us out of our game plan. The truth is, we're not moving the ball. We're not firing out on defense! Suck in that gut and go harder. A long time ago... There was a Chinese warrior-philosopher. Dawson: General Sun-Tzu. [Dawson has entered the locker room, he's carrying a bucket, and Mitch looks up.] Dawson: Brilliant military strategist who lived about 2,000 years ago. My dad has been telling me about him ever since I was a kid. Mitch: What's with the bucket? Dawson: We're gonna turn our weakness into a strength, just like the general said. We're gonna start by obscuring everyone's number so the other team can't find Jack. Mitch: That might work for a couple of plays. Dawson: That's why it's only phase one. Mitch: So what's phase 2? Dawson: Jen. [Dawson opens the door and Jen and the rest of the Cheerleaders come in.] [Scene: On the football field. The Second Half is just about to begin. The score is 21 to 0 for the Visitors. Capeside is on the Offense.] Opp. Coach: All right, let's get up there, get up there and hit somebody now! Hit somebody! Mitch: Here we go. Cross your fingers. [Back to the huddle. Henry is calling the plays.] Henry: [To Jack] Ready? Jack: [nods] Henry: Break! [They line up, and the other team lines up in defense, but are confused as the Capeside team members all look up at them, and they are all wearing tons of makeup.] Henry: 42, blue turk right. Double slot. [To the other team] Try and find the homo now! Set! Hike! [Scene: On the Football game. It ‘s almost the end of the game, and Capeside is on Offense again.] Announcer: What an incredible comeback! 21-24! With 7 seconds left, the Minutemen have one last chance. Henry: Can you get a step on him, Jack? One more time. What do you think? Jack: I think my mascara's running. [Chuckling] Jack: Just throw me the ball. I'll catch it. Henry: Consider it done. All right, cradle out. Drill-9 shiver. Broadside option, flow-and-go. On 2. Ready? Break! [The pass is off, and Jack is running down the field.] Opp. Coach: Hit him! Hit him! [The ball comes over his sholder and he makes the catch.] Announcer: McPhee has it! He has it! Touchdown! It's a touchdown! Capeside wins! Capeside wins! [On the sideline. Mitch is starting to celebrate, and Principal Green comes over.] Principal Green: Outstanding! Outstanding! Mitch! Mitch: Yes, sir. Principal Green: That was one of the most irreverent and imaginative game plans I've ever seen. Congratulations, coach! Mitch: Thank you. That's grea— [The team dumps the water cooler over him.] Mitch: Aah! [Cut to the stands. Dawson and Jen are there watching them.] Jen: One good deed down, one to go. Jennifer Lindley, once again a victim of her own big heart. Dawson: Don't push it, buddy. [On the sideline. Principal Green is there and Andie come up trying to catch his attention.] Andie: [Groans] Uhh... Principal green, I need to talk to you! Principal Green: Not right now, Andie. Andie: No, sir, it's important. It cannot wait. We need to clear this up. Principal Green: Ok, what is it? Andie: Well, I made mistake. Well, a terrible error in judgment really. Principal Green: What kind of mistake? Andie: Well, I know there's no excuse for what I've done— Principal Green: What are you talking about, Andie? Andie: Didn't you want to talk to me? Principal Green: That was Monday. I was gonna discuss it with you on Monday. But if you must know now, I'm forming a new student disciplinary committee, and I want you to be in charge of it. Andie: Oh! Well... I could do that. I mean, I would be honored to do that! Principal Green: Ok. Now, what was this mistake you were talking about? Andie: I shouldn't have interrupted you. It's a mistake to be so...Impatient. But I'm working on it, sir. Principal Green: [Chuckles] Ok. I'll talk to you later Andie: [To herself] I'm working on it. [Cut to the center of the field. Everyone is circling around for the special moment.] [Cheering] Principal Green: All right! Ok! Ok! And now, ladies ad gentlemen, the moment that you've all been waiting for-- the winner of the silent auction who is entitled to one ride on the Minuteman mule and one heart-stopping kiss from our head cheerleader. Jen: Ex-head cheerleader. Principal Green: And here he is! [The crowd separates and the mule comes in and collapses along the way, and Henry was riding it. He gets up and walks up to Jen.] Jen: Henry? How the hell did you get $500? Henry: M-mouthpiece? Jen: Mouth-- wait a minute. You sold your-- your good luck Doug Flutie memorial mouthpiece just to kiss me? I don't know whether to gag or be incredibly touched. [Chanting] kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss... Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss... Henry: You--you don't have to. [Chanting] Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss... Henry: If you don't want to. [Chanting]Kiss, kiss kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.. Jen: Come here, freshman. [She gives him a big kiss.] [Cheering] Jen: Ok, ok, everybody go home! Show's over, folks! Go home! Principal Green: No, no, no. Not quite yet. We have a little unfinished business yet here. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting to you your choice for Capeside's 1999 Homecoming Queen, Miss Jennifer Lindley! [Cheering] Jen: This isn't happening. [On the sideline. Andie and Jack are there.] Andie: See? I told you everything would work out fine. Jack: You did? Andie: Yeah! Everything usually works out for the best as long as you keep a positive attitude. Jack: Positive attitude. Ok. Is this before or after I disgraced the family's good name and forever humiliated our father, huh? Andie: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure he's over it. He's probably out sailing or golfing or wherever he is. I wouldn't give it another thought. Jack: Andie, you're making my head spin. Andie: Look, Jack, I am just glad it's over. I can't tell you how relieved I am. Hey, so who won the game anyway? [Cut to the fallen mule. The top of the costume comes off and there are 2 strange students in it.] Girl: Somebody was so sweaty, I couldn't even breathe! Guy: Well, somebody wouldn't let me take my shirt off. Girl: Well, somebody forgot to open the air vent! Guy: Well, somebody forgot to mention there were air vents in the first place! Girl: I told you we never should have listened to those two slackers. [Scene: In the Boat Yards. Joey and Pacey are driving through a lot of boats and Pacey brings Joey up to one in particular.] Joey: This is it? This is the surprise? Pacey: Isn't she beautiful? Joey: Yeah, in a Titanic post iceberg sort of way. Where did you get this? Pacey: This friend of my brother's. He works down in the marina. He rescued her after the last hurricane. The guy who owned her didn't want her anymore, so I convinced him to sell her to me for, like, 200 bucks. When I finish with this boat, it is going to be sheer perfection. Joey: Look at that. Pacey, do you know how much money and time it'll take you to even get this boat to float? Pacey: Yeah. Not a minute more or less than as long as it takes me. You watch, Potter. Couple of months, I'll be sailing this baby around the world. Joey: Well, I hate to break it to you, Captain Stubing, but you can't sail around the world in a 20-foot boat. Pacey: Sure, I can! Joey: Where are you gonna put the supplies? Pacey: Hey, the U.S.S. Minnow was no bigger than this, and they found room for all of Mr. Howell's money, all of the professor's tools, all of Ginger's clothes— And where do you think you're going? Joey: Permission to come aboard? Pacey: Permission granted. Joey: Thank you. Ah. Pacey: And now, the purpose for our little foray into truancy... [He opens the package they got earlier.] Pacey: What do you say? Joey: True love"? Pacey: Yeah. It's my girl's name. Joey: It's kinda high on the schmaltz factor, huh? Pacey: Acutely. But sweet. Remember, I told you I needed your help with something. Joey: With what? [He hands her a sander.] Pacey: Start sandin'. Joey: You are so overboard. [Scene: The football field sideline bench. It's night and Dawson is sitting on it and Mitch walks up and sits down next to him.] Mitch: The night you were born, I bawled like a baby. Dawson: Did you really? I didn't know that. Mitch: I think I cried for 24 hours straight. Holding you so... Small in my arms. I never knew I could love anything so much... So fast...So utterly. Part of me was terrified. Raising a son is more a matter of faith than most people know. Dawson: So's being one. Mitch: You're right. I think I realized something today. Dawson: What? Mitch: That my job as a father... Isn't to give you the whole picture, because the truth is, I can't see it myself. My job is to try and help...Every now and then with a piece of the puzzle. Dawson: You have helped me, dad. Mitch: I hope so. But your...Future, your expectations, they belong to you. Don't let anybody stand in the way. Not even me. Dawson: You always push me to be my own person, think for myself. I just did what you taught me. Mitch: So what do you say we go home, and pop in a little Close Encounters or something, huh? Dawson: Actually... I was thinking... [He grabs the football from the bag.] Dawson: How about a game of catch? Mitch: Gimme that. Why don't we leave the football here on the field where it belongs? [He throws the ball out into the empty field. The camera follow the ball flight, and it morphs into a home movie of Dawson and Mitch playing ball when Dawson was a little kid.] [Scene: Joey's house. Later that evening. She is watching the video that Dawson made for her. It is a compilation of them as kids, and she watches as they play on the swings, and Hide and seek.] Young Joey: 7, 8, 9, 10. [Young Dawson taps young Joey on the shoulder and she chases him around and finishes with them walking off together, and then saying good bye to each other.] [The camera pulls back to her and she is deeply touched by the video.]
Plan: A: Mitch; Q: Who is concerned that Dawson's news report could hurt Jack's chances of winning the football game? A: Dawson; Q: Who does Mitch clash with when Gail gives him an opportunity to produce a news report? A: local television; Q: Where is the news report that Dawson is producing for? A: Jack; Q: Who is the subject of the news report? A: Capeside's first gay football star; Q: What is Jack's story about? A: the timing; Q: What aspect of the news report does Mitch worry about? A: the upcoming game; Q: What is Mitch worried about losing because of Dawson's news report? A: a strange punishment; Q: What is handed to Joey and Pacey for skipping classes together? A: a personal project; Q: What does Pacey reveal to Joey that makes her stop blaming him for getting her in trouble? A: a small boat; Q: What does Pacey have that he is restoring? A: Principal Green; Q: Who asks Andie to speak to him? A: head cheerleader; Q: What position does Jen decide to quit? A: a fight; Q: What do the other girls not want to let Jen go without? A: homecoming queen; Q: What is Jen voted? Summary: Mitch and Dawson clash when Gail gives Dawson an opportunity to produce a news report for local television. The subject of the report is Jack, Capeside's first gay football star, and Mitch is concerned that the timing of the piece could jeopardise his chances to win the upcoming game. Joey and Pacey are handed a strange punishment for skipping classes together, but when Pacey later reveals a personal project to Joey (that he has acquired a small boat that he is restoring), she stops blaming him for getting her in trouble. Meanwhile, Andie begins to panic when Principal Green asks to speak to her, and Jen decides to quit her position as head cheerleader, but the other girls will not let her go without a fight, especially when she is voted homecoming queen.
[music] Bubbles: How long have you guys been in here? Can you get the f*ck out of my shed, please? I got a letter from Ray. [reading] Dear Bubbles. Hope you are well. I'm really sorry I f*cked everything up. I'm doing okay. This US jail is really luxury. Good food, nice cell, lots of liquor and the guards are stupider as f*ck. [laughter] Don't mean to scare you buddy, but this is on the cover of the Bangor Daily News. Bubbles: Oh my f*ck! [reading] Janitor witness in Swayzie Express robbery. Janitor saw "greasy looking" Canadians in parking lot on drugs. Swayzie offers $50,000 reward for return of prize model train. Swayzie! [music] Randy: Ah! Sugarcocks! Lucy: Hey Randy. How's the cooking going? Randy: It's going okay. It's hard to flip with this hand. Friggin cast. Lucy: Yeah, but they're so cute. Randy: Yeah, they are eh? I'm going to add them to the menu, I'm going to call them Baby Dirty Burgers. Lucy: Cute. Hey listen, Randy. I've got something [loud bird cry] Randy: Did you hear that? Lucy: Did I hear what? Randy: The chickadees, Luce. It sounds like they're saying cheeeeeseburger. [loud bird cry] Lucy: Okay, that's cool. Listen babe, I want to talk to you about something. Here, I got this for you. Randy: Thanks Luce. Lucy: Anyway, you know. Things with you and Phil Collins are going so awesome and the whole Dirty Burger thing and we are having a baby soon right. So I was thinking that [bird cry] Randy: There it goes again. Lucy: You know what, f*ck it. Forget it. This is a really bad idea. Randy: What Lucy? Lucy? Lucy: This doesn't matter. Randy: Lucy, I'm sorry. Lucy: Randy, will you marry me? I mean, I know that seems kind of sudden and everything but we're having a baby together and I love you Randy. I don't care about your gut, I don't care about all the cheeseburgers, I don't care about all the dope. I love all of you. [bird cry] [sound of answering machine beep] Randy: [recorded message] Mr. Lahey, it's Randy. Guess who asked me to marry her? Lucy. I said yes Mr. Lahey. [beep] Randy: Pants are really tight Lucy. Lucy: Okay, well you know what? Let me just, let's just try this on. Put your up. There you go. Um, they might be a little tight, but maybe we can get some Lycra, I don't know. We'll see. Randy: It's nice fabric. Lucy: It is really nice fabric but you know, I don't even know if they're going to take it out, you know, it's just. Bubbles: [clearing his throat] Lucy: Hey Bubbles. Randy: Hey Bubbles. Bubbles: Randy. J Roc: What's cracking Bubbles? Bubbles: Nothing. Nothing Lucy I think. Could you set me up with some new clothes. Something really different? Lucy: Sure. Sure, um. J Roc: Bubbles, you aight? You seem baked or some sh1t, dawg. Bubbles: No, I'm not baked. Tyrone: It's alright man, we're all stoned. Bubbles: Look, I'm not stoned. I just need a whole new get up. Something different. Lucy: Yeah, okay. Okay, you know what. No idea, you're up for anything? Bubbles: Just, where people will go, who's that guy? Never saw him before. J Roc: Bubbles, I got it B. You should roll in a suit. You know what I'm saying. Could be tight. That's me and T roll now, you know how I mean. Even un-skinny bop's rocking a gudexo. Luce set this ma-fucker up with a suit. Solid tight. Randy what's that? [slap] Lucy: Um, we don't have any suits right now Bubbles, but you know what we do have? We've got a bunch of new shirts. What about this? Bubbles: Next. Ricky: I'm going to be honest. It is taking me a long f*cking time to accept that Randy is going to be the father of mine and Lucy's baby. But it's one of those things you can't change so I guess I gotta accept it. Be happy for Lucy. I mean, I am happy for Lucy. Right now, I just gotta concentrate on my f*cking job and finally sell this f*cking dope. I gotta make sure nothing get's f*cked up because this is the chance of a lifetime. So please for once, I can't let this get f*cked up. Ricky: Nice, you got all the wheels on. Alright, pay attention. These go on here like this, okay. So that's just f*cking dumb. I mean, you gotta cut this off, jam it in, tape it shut and then tape these to the box cars. And don't use too much tape. It's my good f*cking tape okay? Jacob: That is nice tape. Julian: Here you go buddy. Jacob: Oh, thanks man. Ricky: Jam those things full Jacob. We don't have many. What the f*ck?! Julian: It's Bubbles. Ricky: What the f*ck's going on with his head? Julian: I don't know. Wait here man. Bubbles: [whispering] Boys, it's me. Julian: We know man. Bubbs, what's going on? Bubbles: From now on, my name is Scorpion. Can we go talk in private somewhere? Julian: Let's go. Ricky: You okay? Bubbles: I don't know. Ricky: Holy f*ck. That is definitely you. Bubbles: I know Ricky, but I mean, I'm looking pretty different now, aren't I? Julian: That wig's freaking me out. Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit. Ricky: Don't worry about this train sh1t. Patrick Swayzie is not after you man. We're in Canada. We're safe. And if anything does go down, just blame it on Jacob and the alien Trevors. So, disguise's working, sit down and relax. Bubbles: I'm relaxed boys. No problem. [humming] Julian: Are you okay? Bubbles: Who? Julian: You. Bubbles: I'm fine. Julian: Well Bubbs, you can talk to us if there's something wrong, you know. Bubbles: There's nothing wrong Julian. [phone ringing] Julian: Right on. That must be Sebastian. Hello? Hey, Sebastian, what's up man? Right on, just, just one second. Bubbs, where you going? Bubbles: I've got to split. Julian: We've got a conference call. Bubbles: I know. That's what I'm saying. Julian: Well get back here. Sorry about that man. Just a sec. Gotta switch to the speakerphone. Okay, can you hear me? It's Julian. Sebastian Bach: [on speakerphone] What the f*ck's going on? Ricky: You got Ricky and Bubbles here too. How's it going? Sebastian: I'm getting nervous about this bullshit man. There's a f*cking forest fire spreading just south of the train track. I'm thinking about shutting this down. Bubbles: Oh excellent news Julian. A forest fire! Julian: Okay, that's not going to be a problem okay. We're professionals. We're leaving with the dope today. Everything's all set up. I'll give you a call as soon as we're on the road, alright. Sebastian: Alright. f*ck! I've gotta go. My wife's coming. Later boys. Julian: See ya man. f*ck, we got a lot of work to do Rick. Bubbles: [sighs] [humming] Ricky: Bubbles, where you going now? Bubbles: I gotta go Ricky. I just need to have a drink, be by myself, and think about things. Maybe down at the swamp or something. I just need a little break from all the crazy stuff that's all. I mean, this train thing can be very dangerous. A lot of things can go wrong. Could get burned up in a forest fire. An operation this size, you don't know who's after you. Could be the FBI, ATF, f*cking Patrick Swayzie. Who knows. Lahey's off the f*cking rails so. You know, I just need a little break, that's all. Randy: What do you want, Mr. Lahey? Mr. Lahey: Randy. Randy: What are you doing? Mr. Lahey: I just gotta talk to you for a second Randy. Randy: No. Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Randy, come with me. Randy, listen buddy. Listen Randy, this is very important bud. You gotta come. I got a lot to talk to you about. Randy: My arm, Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Sorry about your arm Randy. Come on. Come on buddy. It's a red letter day. Randy: Mr. Lahey, what the hell are you doing? Mr. Lahey: Listen, it's just a matter of time before this all goes to sh1t Randy man. I think it might just be better to end her, bud. Randy: You can't end it Mr. Lahey. Who'd look after the park. Look, let's just get out of the car Mr. Lahey. Have a couple drinks, talk about this. Worst mistake I ever made was getting together with Lucy. Mr. Lahey: I'll drink to that bud. Randy: Mr. Lahey, the car! Mr. Lahey: Ah sh1t! f*cked her, bud. Let's go down and see what liquor we can salvage. Wanna get drunk tonight Rand? Randy: Yeah Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Where do we go from here, Banny- Ran? You're engaged. Randy: It's pretty frigging complicated. Mr. Lahey: We can work through this Rand. [smashing sound] Mr. Lahey: Through just about anything bud. Just think of the history we have together. Don't marry her, Rand. Randy: I said yes. I mean, what am I going to do? Mr. Lahey: I don't know Randy. But I know I can't handle this. Go and talk to her. Randy: What am I going to say, Mr. Lahey? Mr. Lahey: I don't know Randy. Use your imagination. Then you come back and we'll have a little barbeque and we'll have some liquor and mustard and we have a lot of good times Randy, what'dya say? Randy: Burgers? [SCENE_BREAK] Lucy: Hey Randy. Hi. Randy: Hey Lucy. Look, we really gotta figure out this engagement stuff. Lucy: Yes. Have you been drinking? Randy: No, couple drinks. [smash] Lucy: He's wasted out of his mind. Randy: No he's not. Lucy: Did you get drunk with him? Randy: No, couple of drinks. Lucy: Randy, stay the f*ck away from Jim Lahey. Okay, you and he are done and I don't want anyone, especially him, f*cking this sh1t up. I love you Rand. See you later. Randy: Where you going, Luce? Lucy: Oh, J Roc is picking me up. He and T are taking me to work at the airport. Julian: Hey, I think I just saw him sneaking behind the trailer. Ricky: What the f*ck is he doing? Julian: f*ck knows man. I told ya. He's f*cking losing it. Bubbles! Come here. What's up buddy? What are you doing? Bubbles: Nothing. Ricky: What's up buddy? Julian: Bubbs, slow down. What are you doing man? Bubbles: What? I'm just out for a walk boys. Ricky: I saw that sh1t in the paper. It's no big deal man. You couldn't even tell it was you. Julian: Listen, we'll return the Swayzie Express as soon as we're finished using it, okay? Bubbles: Yeah, that's fine Julian. Why don't you guys get the dope loaded up. I'm just kinda getting myself together here. Julian: You okay man? Bubbles: Yup. Ricky: He's f*cked. Randy: Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Hi Randy. How'd it go with Lucy? Randy: Mr. Lahey, I still have strong feelings for you Mr. Lahey. I don't know why. But I do. Look, I tried to break up with Lucy, she wouldn't let me. I'm scared of her Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Randy, we're going to have to do something about Lucy. Randy: What Mr. Lahey? Mr. Lahey: I don't know Randy. Maybe these things have a way of working themselves out. I'm going to let the liquor do the thinking. Have a drink. Mr. Lahey: All units, all units. Hold your positions. Suspects are in possession of stolen luggage and are loading as we speak. As soon as they're complete, we'll move in and take them over. Have your pepper spray ready. Watch your backgrounds. Let's move. [sirens] Tyrone: Okay man, you got me. J Roc: Hey, you know what I'm saying. Sarah: Get your hands off me. You can't just grab me. J Roc: Hey, we don't even know them crazy bitches dawg. They just jumped in the car down at Burger King, dawg. Lucy: f*ck you. Lahey, how dare you? Try to get Randy killed, drunk and then try to get us arrested. You're not ruining my f*cking wedding day. No f*cking way. Mr. Lahey: Jesus, Lucy. Lucy, don't make me use this pepper spray on you. Lucy: You cannot f*cking spray me because I'm pregnant. So f*ck you! J Roc: In hindsight, it's kind of suspicious that they had all that luggage, you know what I'm saying, but we didn't think to ask them. You try to help some ma-fuckers out. Look what happened. [yelling] [sound of pepper spray] Sarah: Get your hands off me. Mr. Lahey: Lucy, you're under arrest. Lucy: f*cking dick! J Roc: We surrendering in peace dawg. And I would like to file charges too against them two ladies, you know what I'm saying. For car jumping inery. Mr. Lahey: Oh sh1t. Randy: I got here as fast as I could Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Randy, good to see you. Randy: Is Lucy going to be okay? Mr. Lahey: Yeah, she'll be fine. Sort of big sh1t storm take down by the cops Rand. I tried to stop it but, maybe this is fate telling you what to do. You want to go visit Lucy in jail or maybe you want to come with me to the liquor store? Randy: I want to go with you to the liquor store. Mr. Lahey: Good decision. Randy: Holy frig Mr. Lahey. That looks just like Bubbles. Mr. Lahey: That is Bubbles. He's wanted in the United States for stealing a model train from Bangor, Maine. Fifty thousand dollar reward. Randy: That's a lot of money, Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Fifty thousand dollars Rand. Maybe our luck's changing? I sense a sh1t derailment coming. Randy: sh1t derailment. That's a good one, Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Randy. Ricky: Hey Bubbles. Bubbles: [gasp] Ricky: What the f*ck happened to you? You fall down? Bubbles: No. Yes. I was being chased by dogs. Ricky, I need some space here. Ricky: Anyway Bubbles, look. We could really use you on this one man. We could really f*cking use your help. Julian: This is almost over. We can't finish this without you. You're the engineer Bubbs. You. Without an engineer, we can't do this. Come on. Who's the engineer buddy? Bubbles: I'm the engineer Julian. Julian: So what do you say? Bubbles: Yeah, let's do it. You know, we gotta race that forest fire though and let's get rid of this thing. It's making me a bit crazy or something. Let's do it. Julian: Alright, we gotta load up the dope tonight. We gotta get the f*ck out of the park. Ricky: Alright, no problem. Ricky: What the f*ck? Who the f*ck put locks [sound of gun cocking] Mr. Lahey: Hands up gentlemen. Don't move. Ricky: Lahey, what the f*ck are you doing? Oh my god, you're drinking again, are ya? Mr. Lahey: Maybe I am Rick. Maybe I'm not. Who knows. Who's your little sh1t friend in the f*cking wig? Nice disguise Bubbs. You might be able to fool the FBI, but you can't fool the FB- Me. Bubbles: [using high pitched voice] Huh, I'm not Bubbles. I just moved here from the desert. My name's The Scorpion. I need some, hold on, Jesus Murphy. Julian: Jim, what's going on here? What about our peace treaty? Mr. Lahey: Liquor's more powerful than a peace treaty Julian. You know that. You know that Julian. Ricky: So we can't have our dope back cause you're drinking again? Mr. Lahey: Oh Rickles. This isn't about the dope. This is about the Swayzie Express. Ricky: How the f*ck did he find out about that? Mr. Lahey: Listen, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't Ricky: What the f*ck are you trying to say? I can't understand you. Randy: Concentrate Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: I don't care why you stole it Ricky. I don't want to hear about it. I just want the train. With the fifty thousand dollar reward money, me and Bo-Bandy are flying off the Mexico. Randy: Yeah, we're going to Mr. Lahey: Randy! Ricky: Flying off to Fuck-Off-Ico. What about Lucy Randy? Randy: You didn't hear? She's in jail Ricky. Ricky: She is in what?! Mr. Lahey: That's right, Rick. You're little Lucy-Goosey's in jail. Guess what boys. This trailer is now mine. I don't get that train by ten o'clock liquor store opening tomorrow morning and I'm going to burn this f*cking sh1t box to the ground and I'm going to call the FBI on your little buddy Bubbles. And I'm still going to collect the fifty thousand dollars reward money. So, either way you look at it gentlemen, I win! Julian: The liquor's going to let you down Jim. Mr. Lahey: The liquor's going to let me down Julian? Ricky: Haven't you got learned any lessons about you drinking and dealing with us. It's going to come down to one big god-damned f*cking horror show Lahey. And it is on now. Bubbles: His little glasses. My friend Conky, he was a little ventriloquist puppet I had when I was a little guy. My grandfather left it to me apparently. He was a vaudeville ventriloquist and you know, the other kids would start teasing me and calling me names and what not, I would have Conky to defend me. He'd jump right in and tell the other kids to f*ck off and, you know, piss off, things like that. It was great for me, cause then it wasn't me doing it, it was Conky. I didn't have to deal with it. Conky: You just remember, I call the shots here Bubbles. You got it? Bubbles: Yes Conky. Conky: Good. Bubbles: But maybe last time I had him, he got a little carried away. You know, he was really giving it to Ricky and Julian and eventually Julian had enough and he pulled out his gun and he blew Conky's head off. Conky: f*cking Dirty Dancing! [gun shot] Bubbles: Yeah, that was the end of him. And then he went back in the swamp and he's been there ever since. Until now.
Plan: A: Randy; Q: Who tries to break off his engagement to Lucy? A: the liquor; Q: What helps Randy and Mr. Lahey get back together? A: a sketch; Q: What is the news media circulating of the suspect wanted for stealing the Swayzie Express? A: the Swayzie Express; Q: What is the FBI looking for the suspect of stealing? A: Bubbles; Q: Who is the suspect wanted for stealing the Swayzie Express? Summary: Randy and Mr. Lahey get back together with the help of the liquor. Randy tries to break off his engagement to Lucy. Meanwhile, the news media is circulating a sketch of the suspect wanted (apparently by the FBI) for stealing the Swayzie Express, and it looks a lot like Bubbles.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there wearing unusual outfits. They close the door behind them.] Piper: It's okay, you're gonna be okay. Phoebe: Okay? That demon wiped out that whole family of innocents. How will I ever be okay? Piper: You learn. Paige: If that demon is anywhere in that book, I'm gonna nail his sorry ass. (They walk over and sit on the couch.) Phoebe: Oh, those poor children. They were so scared. I could feel their pain. Piper: Okay, maybe you could feel there pain a little less, Phoebe. Paige: Remember, she's an empath now. Piper: I know what her powers are. Okay, I think a little sister bonding is in order for all of us here. I'll get the tea. Paige: No. Did you see that demon? Did you see those teeth flying out like razor blades? Phoebe: We need to kill that demon. For the children. All six of those children. Piper: Fine, we'll hit the book now, tea later. (Piper walks over to the book and when she touches it, it glows and closes up. She tries to touch it again and it jumps off its stand onto the floor. She walks over to it and dives for it. It moves away.) Told you it wouldn't work. Phoebe: Well, it's her fault. Who's ever heard of a demon with razor flying teeth before? Paige: My fault? I'm not the one who made the innocents into the Von Trapp family. Phoebe: Did not. Paige: Did too. Piper: Knock it off. (Piper shape shifts into a blonde woman.) Mabel: It's my fault for going along with you two. We can look like the Charmed Ones but lets face it, our acting sucks. If we want the Book of Shadows we need to become them. It's time to try my identity theft spell. (Phoebe and Paige shape shift into two other blonde women.) Mitzy: No way. They'll come after us, it's a suicide mission. Margo: And it's dangerous too. Mabel: So what? You want to be chisellers your whole life? It's time to think big and thinking big means making the whole world believe that we are them. Mitzy: I don't want to be them, I want to be bad. Margo: Me too, bad's better. Mabel: Then stick with me, 'cause once we get the book we'll steal their powers and then form our own power of three. And you know what that means? Margo: No. Mitzy: We'll be the untouchable sisters. Piper's Voice: Phoebe, Paige, are you up there? Mitzy: Perfume, girls! (They pulls out spray bottles of perfume and spray it over themselves. They disappear. Piper walks in and picks up the Book of Shadows. She places the book back on its stand and looks around.) Opening Credits [Scene: P3. Day. Piper's there talking on the phone. Jack the bartender is standing near by.] Piper: What time did he go to sleep? Okay, can you call me as soon as he starts to stir? Okay, thanks. (She hangs up.) Uh, Jack, the band is coming in an hour to set up and do a sound check. Can you take care of them for me? I want to be home when my baby wakes up. (Phoebe walks in.) Jack: I'm on it. Phoebe: Hey, you ready for lunch? Piper: I was thinking I could make you something fabulous at home instead. Phoebe: Piper, every new mummy needs a little grown up time. That's why we got the nanny, right? Piper: Right? Phoebe: So let's go-o-o-o-o-o. Piper: Was that a moan? Phoebe: (whispers) Piper. Piper: (whispers) What? Phoebe: (whispers) That new bartender guy is checking you out. (Piper turns around and he smiles. She smiles back.) Piper: (whispers) Are you telling me that you're feeling what he's feeling for me? Phoebe: Yes, I still can't control my new pow-owwwwww. (Piper hits her with a napkin.) (to bartender) Alright, take your shoes for a walk, buddy. (Jack walks away.) Piper: That's creepy. Phoebe: I know, it's horrible. You should have seen it the last time Jason was in town, I couldn't keep my hands off of him. I don't know what I'm gonna do this weekend. Piper: Jason is flying in from Hong Kong again? (Phoebe nods.) Wow, I'd say that guy is falling for you. Phoebe: You think so? I think so. I hope so. But all I can feel is this strong sexual desire for me. Piper: And that's a bad thing. Phoebe: Well, yeah, that's a bad thing if that's all he's feeling. And if it is all he's feeling, I want to know now, you know? So I don't get hurt. Piper: Well, why don't you take him to a restaurant where you can't get buck wild and ask Jason how he feels. Phoebe: Mm, the direct approach. Very sneaky of you. (They head towards the door.) Piper: Mm-hm, and if that doesn't work, ask him about the weather in Hong Kong. (Chris orbs in.) Piper, Phoebe: No! Phoebe: We're not demon hunting, we're going to lunch. Chris: Hey, I am not unreasonable. We can hunt demons after lunch. By the way, anyone seen Leo? Piper: No, I have not. Phoebe: I haven't seen him either. Chris: Well, if you do, let me know. There's a rumour floating around up there that he has a lead on whoever sent him to Valhalla. Piper: Well, I'm sure that's very important stuff but I have another question. Did either one of you leave the book on the floor last night? Chris: On the floor? Phoebe: No, I didn't. Piper: Chris? Chris: I vaguely remember a story that started like that in the future. Someone's after the book. Piper: Demons are always after the book. What's new? Chris: No, I think this time they get it. You should take this threat seriously. And tell Paige. Where is Paige? Phoebe: She's at her new temp job. Chris: She's still on that kick? Piper: It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic. Chris: Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job? [Scene: North Shore Citrus packing plant. Paige and several others are packing oranges into boxes.] Woman: Straighten your back. Do you want to get out of bed in the morning? Paige: Back straight, check. Woman: No, no, Mira, don't reach, let them come to you. Paige: Okay. (She drops an orange.) Woman: Ai, forget it, keep the line moving. Paige: Okay. How long have you been working here anyway? Woman: Eight years and two herniated discs. Didn't know what you were getting into on this one, did you? Paige: No, I can't say that I did. But it's fun, you know, I get to work with my hands and it's kind of like nature and best of all there's no magic. (The woman gives her a look.) Markers, magic markers, I'm crazy, crazy allergic. (Paige sees two gremlins whiz past.) Oh, no. (The gremlins push on two crates of boxed oranges.) Watch out! (Paige pushes the woman out of the way just before the crates of oranges fall right on top of her. The gremlins laugh. The boss runs in.) Boss: Is everybody okay over here? (Paige and the woman stand up.) Woman: She saved my life. Paige: It was nothing. Boss: Alright, everybody take twenty until we can perform a safety check here. Woman: That is the third accident this month. I think this place is maldito, cursed. Paige: I think I'm maldito. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: House across the road from the Manor. Mabel and Margo are there. Mabel is looking through the window at the Manor. Margo is looking in a mirror.] Mabel: I can't tell if anyone's home from here. Margo: If I get Piper's powers, first thing I'm gonna do is freeze these unwanted facial lines. Mabel: I'm the oldest, I get Piper's powers. You'll get Paige's. Margo: Well, in that case maybe I'll orb away this blemish. (Mitzy walks in carrying bags of snacks.) Mitzy: Stake out take out, anyone? (She puts the food on the table.) Margo: Ooh. (Mabel and Margo go over to the table.) Mabel: All I asked for was a scrying bowl. Margo: Just because we killed the owners here, doesn't mean we should let their food go to waste. (Mabel pours a black liquid into a glass bowl.) Mabel: "Give me sight through the blackest bile, show me the faces I revile." (Piper and Wyatt show up in the liquid.) Piper's the only one home right now. We need all three sisters together for my spell to work. Mitzy: Eww, she's with the baby. I can't wait to orb that thing into a volcano. Margo: Um, as the baby in the family, I'm afraid I'll be doing the orbing. We get our powers by sorority. Mitzy: That's seniority, Margo. And that's not fair, I wanted Paige's power. Margo: Don't talk to me about fair. I always got less growing up. And usually two years out of style. Mabel: There is nothing wrong with Phoebe's powers, Mitzy. You'll be able to levitate. Mitzy: Yeah, six feet in the air. Margo will be orbing around the world. Margo: I'll send postcards. Mabel: Don't forget you'll also have the power of premonition and empathy. Mitzy: Like I care what happens to people or how they feel. Margo: Well, maybe you should care, Mitzy, instead of this me, me, me attitude all the time. Mitzy: Oh, you know what? You're about to get your teeth knocked in if you don't back off. Mabel: Enough! What is wrong with you two? We have worked way too hard to let it all fall apart now. (The doorbell rings. Mabel answers it.) Salesman: Hello, are you the lady of the house? Mabel: Go away. (She slams the door.) This is the biggest con of our lives. If we don't get this right, we're gonna be two-bit magic hustlers forever. Is that what you want? (The doorbell rings again. Mabel answers it.) Salesman: But you haven't seen the amazing new Kelby 3000. (He holds up a vacuum cleaner.) Mabel: Just get inside. (The man happily walks inside. Mabel closes the door and walks back over to her sisters.) The secret of the Charmed Ones lays in their sisterhood, the Power of Three. Well, guess what. We've got our own sisterhood, our own Power of Three right here. If we can just stick together, we can have it all. Salesman: You'll never have it all until you own the Kelby 3000. (A dagger appears in Mabel's hand.) I'm telling you this baby is gonna change your life... (She stabs the salesman and he falls to the floor.) Mabel: So who's with me? Mitzy: I'm sorry, sweetie. Margo: Oh, me too. (They hug.) I'll orb you anywhere you want to go. Mabel: That's more like it. Now, let's sit back, relax, until the other two get home. [Cut to the manor. Dining room. Piper is trying to feed Wyatt.] Piper: Alright, look, mummy try it. Mmm. (She tastes it.) So horrible! Wow, is that horrible. (Leo orbs in.) Leo, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here. (Leo kneels down beside Wyatt.) Leo: I was looking for Chris, I heard he was asking about me. (Leo tickles Wyatt and he giggles.) Piper: He was, he thinks you found the person that sent you to Valhalla. Leo: He does? Piper: Mm-hm. But he's not here but even if he was, I mean, why can't you use your Elder powers to sense... (Leo pulls a face at Wyatt.) Like you sensed me here with... (Leo and Wyatt laugh.) Leo: Sorry. Piper: For missing your son? It's okay. Leo: As an Elder, I watch over him every minute but it's not the same, you know. When he's sleeping, sometimes I orb into the nursery just to hold him. (They hear the front door open and close.) Paige: Piper, are you home? (Leo stands up.) Leo: I should go. (Leo orbs out. Wyatt screams.) Piper: Oh, sweetie. (Paige walks in.) Paige: There are gremlins at the fruit packing plant and I am the only one who can prevent serious workplace injury. This is not what I planned. Piper: You lost me at fruit packing plant. Paige: It's my new temp job. I keep trying to find a life away from magic and all I get is magic, magic, magic everywhere. (Wyatt screams.) Oh, don't worry, little dude, I'm not gonna let the gremlins get you. Piper: It's okay, I think he just misses his dad. Paige: Ohh. I'm gonna go upstairs and check on the Book of Shadows and see what it says about the capture and control of gremlins. Piper: Did you leave that book on the floor last night? Paige: No, why? Piper: Uh, I don't know, it's probably nothing. Uh, just be on the lookout. Chris said somebody may be after it. Paige: Duh, people are after it every week. (Paige goes upstairs.) Piper: (to Wyatt) You're okay, you're okay. (The Elf nanny walks in pushing a stroller.) Elf Nanny: Fussy babies need fresh air. Piper: Oh, that's a good idea, I'll go get my sweater. Elf Nanny: Nonsense. Let me take the boy for a walk. Piper: Alright. (Piper puts Wyatt in the stroller.) Just don't forget a hat for those ears. Elf Nanny: I always keep the baby warm. Piper: I meant yours. (The Elf nanny covers her ears with her hair.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe and Elise are walking down the corridor.] Elise: You are on a real hot streak, kiddo. Your advice column has never been more, more revealing. (They walk into the main office.) Phoebe: Yeah, well, I just think that I'm really in touch with what other people are feeling right now. Elise: Whatever it is, keep it up. (Elise walks away. Phoebe turns around and sees Jason in her office.) Phoebe: Hi. (She walks into her office.) You're back. Jason: God, I missed you, Phoebe. (He kisses her hand. She gets a vibe.) Phoebe: Oh, no. No, no, not again. Jason: What's wrong? Phoebe: Nothing is wrong. H-How is the weather in Hong Kong? Jason: Weather? Phoebe: Yeah, I hear it gets very balmy there. Balmy? Jason: I suppose. You really wanna talk about the weather? Phoebe: No, I don't actually, I just don't want to be alone with you. Jason: Huh? Phoebe: I mean, I do want to be alone with you, just not alone with you here. You know, I just wanna be alone with you in a public area. Jason: You're, you're still a little shaken up over my last visit. You know, your behaviour wasn't all that bad. Phoebe: Humiliating and embarrassing it was. Yeah. Look, I just would appreciate if we could take things slower, you know? Maybe go out for dinner and talk. Jason: I'll pick you up at seven. Phoebe: Yay, okay. Can't wait to talk. [Scene: House across the road from the Manor. The blonde sisters are looking out the window. They see Phoebe pull up outside the manor.] Mitzy: You know what this means. It's spell time. (They walk away from the window.) Mabel: We've got one shot, so pay attention. After we read this spell, the world will see us as the Halliwell sisters. Mitzy: You mean I'm going brunette? Mabel: No, you'll look like you do now but the world will know you as Phoebe. Margo: Let's go, let's go. I'm dying to orb some place far away and exotic like Fort Lauderdale. Mabel: Not so fast. The spell only gives us their identities. They keep their powers until we can get to the Book of Shadows, which we should be able to do once we lure them out of the house. Okay, everyone ready? Mitzy: Mm-hm. Girls: "Blinking faces blank and ho-hum, we are they and they are no one, grant to us the Power of Three, and turn them into nobody." Mitzy: Did it work? Mabel: One way to find out. Let's call our Whitelighter. Chris. (Chris orbs in.) Chris: Why did you change clothes, Piper? You can't hunt demons in heals. Go switch your shoes and we'll get started. Margo: Hey, (she puts her arm around him) slow down there, angel. It's all good in the Charmed universe. What's your hurry? Chris: Paige, did you just call me angel? Mitzy: She did, and I can clearly see why. Chris: Okay. What are you doing over here? Mitzy: Oh, well, we were just, um... Mabel: Solving a murder. Evil has been here, probably spying on us. (She pulls the dagger out of the salesman and hands it to Chris.) Chris: This could be connected to whoever's after the Book of Shadows. Mabel: Could be. See that symbol carved into the handle? We think that represents the astral plane. Chris: I don't know. The astral plane's a realm of spirit and energy. It's not like they manufacture athames there. Mitzy: All the more reason you should orb over and investigate. Leo: You want me to orb to the astral plane? Mitzy: Immediately. And don't come back until you find out where that knife came from. Margo: Can I have a kiss goodbye? Chris: No. (Chris orbs out.) Margo: Oh, well, a girl's gotta try. Mabel: You know what this means. Mitzy: We are Charmed and dangerous. (They do a little dance.) Oh, yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Mitzy walks in and goes over to Elise.] Mitzy: Excuse me, Elise? Elise: Phoebe, I thought you left. Mitzy: I did, now I'm back. That's not against the rules, is it? Elise: Whatcha got there? Mitzy: Oh, it's a new article for tomorrow's paper. I didn't like what I wrote before. (She hands Elise a sheet of paper.) Elise: Is this crayon? Mitzy: Eyeliner, actually. I didn't have a pen. Elise: Well, it's a little late for a new copy but I'll see what I can do. Mitzy: Awesome. I mean, thank you. (Jason walks in.) Jason: Phoebe. (Mitzy turns around.) I thought you were getting ready for dinner. Mitzy: Wow. You are hot. Jason: Are you okay? Mitzy: Never better. Did you say we were hooking up tonight? Jason: I'll swing by at seven. Mitzy: Great, I'll be ready for you, sugar. (He kisses her on the cheek and walks past her.) Ooh. (She grabs him and kisses him passionately. Elise's jaw drops.) [Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Piper's on the phone and Phoebe and Paige are making a potion.] Piper: I did not fire your band. I need them to play tonight. Today at rehearsal? No, that's impossible, I have been home all afternoon. Okay, listen, I'll be right there. (She hangs up.) Uh, I gotta go to P3 so tell the nanny to give Wyatt dinner if I'm not back in time. Paige: Okay. Bye. (Piper heads for the door and passes a wedding photo of Leo and Mabel.) Okay, this vanquishing potion is more like vanquishing goo. Can you check the last ingredient in the book for me? Phoebe: Sure. (Phoebe reaches for the book and it glows and closes itself.) Whoa, that was different. Paige: Try it again. (Phoebe reaches for it again and it slides off onto the floor.) Phoebe: It's like it's not recognising us. Paige: Okay, that's weird, I was just holding it in my hands ten minutes ago. Phoebe: Wait, Chris said something might happen to the book, remember? And we just kind of blew him off. Chris? Hello, are you there? (Their cell phones ring.) Is that you? Who is that? Paige: Both of us. Phoebe: Oh. (They answer their phones.) Paige: Hello? Phoebe: Hey, Elise. Paige: There's a union rally at the fruit packing plant? Phoebe: No, I did not advocate multiple s*x partners. Paige: No, I'm not leading the rally, I'm at home. Phoebe: I didn't say that alcohol cures depression. Paige: Of course I believe in equal pay for workers. Phoebe: This is Phoebe. Phoebe, Paige: Hello? (They hang up.) Phoebe: Emergency at work? Paige: Yeah. Phoebe: Unfortunate coincidence? Paige: Not likely. Phoebe: I don't know about you but I wanna keep my job. Paige: Yeah, me too. I'll leave a note for the nanny, she's out walking Wyatt, and I'll try to put the book away. Phoebe: Okay, um, I'm gonna change in case I don't make it back in time for my date with Jason. Alright, meet back here as soon as possible. (Phoebe rushes off. Paige bends down and tries to pick up the book. It glows and slides under the couch.) [Scene: P3. The band is packing up their stuff. Piper rushes in.] Piper: Hey, Ray, did the band leave yet? Ray: I'm sorry, ma'am, we're not open yet. Piper: Hahaha, very funny. Ray: You'll have to come back tonight. Piper: Look, Ray, I'm missing dinner time with my kid because the band cancelled, okay. I'm not in the mood for jokes. Ray: They didn't cancel, the owner fired them. Too bad too, they were good. You one of their groupies? Piper: Wh? No, I'm your boss and I'm gonna fire you if you don't move it. Ray: Look, lady, there's a bar open up the road if you really need a drink, okay? (Mabel and Jack walk out of the back room, straightening their clothes.) Jack: I have to admit, Piper, when you said that there'd be fringe benefits, you weren't kidding. Mabel: Oh, I'm all about job satisfaction. Jack: Yeah? What about after hours? Piper: Yeah? So do I! And you're gonna be one sorry dude if you don't move. (Mabel sees Piper and hides behind Jack.) Mabel: Oh, uh, you know what? There is some work I have to deal with but I'll try to wrap it up early. Why don't you come by the house after your shift. Piper: Like you could! (She freezes Ray and walks past him. Mabel goes in the back room. Piper unfreezes Ray and walks over to Jack.) Why is Ray acting like he doesn't know me? Would you please tell him who I am? Jack: Sure. Who are you? [Scene: Fruit packing plant. The rally is taking place. Margo is there holding a "Union" sign. Paige orbs in near by.] Crowd: Equal pay! Shorter days! Equal pay! Shorter days! Equal pay! Shorter days! Paige: What a circus. (The boss steps in.) Boss: Everybody quiet down! I talked to my supervisor and he's replacing all of you if you don't get your asses back on that line. Margo: Oh, you mean the line of unsafe working conditions? Crowd: Yeah! Margo: No medical benefits? Crowd: Yeah! Margo: And third world wages? Crowd: Yeah! Margo: I don't think so. Crowd: Equal pay! Shorter days! Equal pay! Shorter days! (A security guard stands in front of Paige.) Security Guard: May I help you, miss? Paige: Oh, it's okay, I work here. Who's that girl on the conveyer belt? Security Guard: I'd like to see some ID please. Paige: Oh. (She shows him her ID. He looks at it and sees Margo's picture on it.) Security Guard: Who'd you steal this from? Paige: What are you talking about? Security Guard: Come on. Let's go. (He grabs Paige.) [Scene: Manor. Foyer. The door opens and Mabel, Mitzy and Margo walk in.] Mabel: Split up, fan out, find the book. We don't have much... Chris: I'm on to you three. (They turn around to see Chris sitting on the couch.) Margo: (whispers) What do we do? (A dagger appears in Mabel's hand behind her back.) Chris: You thought you could fool me but you can't. (He stands up.) This athame isn't from the astral plane. You sent me on a wild goose chase so you wouldn't have to hunt demons, didn't you, Piper? Mitzy: Busted. Margo: Guilty. Mabel: You figured us out, Chris. (The dagger disappears. Mitzy moves closer to Chris.) Mitzy: We are so sorry. Chris: Yeah, you should be. Look, there's an evil out there after Wyatt, (Mitzy rubs her face on Chris's chest) and we need to find him before he... Phoebe, what are you doing? Mitzy: Finding comfort in my Whitelighter. Margo: You're all over him. Mitzy: You're just jealous 'cause I got to him first. Chris: Look, Phoebe, I know Piper hooked up with her last Whitelighter but I'm really, really not interested, okay? Can we get back to hunting demons, please? Mabel: Actually, Chris, we can't. We didn't ditch you to play hookie. We needed time to investigate the death across the street. Chris: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? I would have given you time off for legitimate Charmed duties. Mitzy: Well, we're asking now. We believe that athame belongs to witches. Margo: Really smart, pretty witches. Mabel: We just don't know who they are. Chris: So why don't I check around this realm for them? Mabel: It's like you read my mind. Chris: See, I can be reasonable and helpful. All you gotta do is be honest with me. (Chris orbs out. The girls sigh with relief.) Mabel: Okay, now we really are running out of time. We need that book. You two search down here, I'm gonna take upstairs. Oh, and from now on, keep your hands off the Whitelighter. That's an order. [Cut to P3. Ray throws Piper out the door.] [Cut to the fruit packing plant. The security guard throws Paige out the gates.] [Cut to The Bay Mirror. Security throws Phoebe out the doors. She looks up and sees Mitzy's face on her Ask Phoebe poster.] [Scene: Manor. Living room. The blonde sisters have found the book. Margo is furiously flipping through it.] Mitzy: Hurry, hurry, before they get home. (She stops at a page.) Mabel: This is it, this is what we want. (Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.) Piper: Alright, who do you think you are? Mitzy: Oh, you haven't heard? We're the Charmed Ones. Margo: Nice dress. Phoebe: Thanks. Paige: Nice book. Mabel, Mitzy, Margo: "Powers of the witches rise..." Piper: Hey, hey. (Piper tries to freeze them. Bright magical lights rise out of Piper, Phoebe and Paige.) Mabel, Mitzy, Margo: "Course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here." (The bright magical lights sink into the blonde sisters.) Mabel: Let's see, what was that freaky little hand thing you did? Like this. (Mabel flicks his hand and a vase blows up. Piper is pushed backwards. She looks at her bleeding leg.) Piper: Ooh, I'm down. (Phoebe jumps up and kicks Mabel, sending her across the room. Phoebe turns around Mitzy and she has levitated in the air. She kicks Phoebe and sends her flying over the couch. Margo grabs the lamp.) Paige. (Paige orbs out just before Margo whacks her with it. She orbs back in.) Paige: I can still orb. Margo: Hey, that was supposed to be my power! (Paige quickly orbs out Piper and Phoebe.) Freeze them! Mabel: I don't know how. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Mabel, Mitzy and Margo are there. Mabel is looking through the Book of Shadows and Mitzy is scrying.] Mabel: You guys have got to see this. There's spells, potions, charms for everything. Once we get rid of the Halliwells, this book is gonna change our lives. Mitzy: You guys, my arm's getting sore here. How about a little relief? It never takes this long to scry for a witch. Mabel: That's because they're not witches anymore. We've got their powers. Margo: Uh, excuse me, you got their powers. I got a big fat nothing. As usual. (Mitzy gets a vibe.) Mitzy: Margo, please, ease off the resentment pedal there, you're dragging me down. Mabel: Oh, this is great. Vanquishing tips on all of our competition. Margo: Paige orbed. How could she still do that? Mabel: We cast a spell to call a witch's power. Paige's orbing must come from her Whitelighter side. Margo: Well, then let's call for her Whitelighter's power. Because I wanna orb! Mitzy: Yo, Margo, get over it already. Your negativity is giving me a migraine. Margo: You think it's bad now? Just keep flaunting that empath power at me. I'll start hitting on you for real. Mabel: Hey, we're in here. Mitzy: We made the Book of Shadows? (Mitzy and Margo go over to see.) What, no picture? Margo: Just a paragraph. A really, really tiny paragraph. Mabel: The Stillman Sisters. Mabel, Mitzy, Margo. Common witches known for their small time hustles and cons. Not worth vanquishing. If they become a nuisance, try a simple spell to bind their magic. Margo: Oh. Well, at least we got an entry. Mitzy: Yeah, but look at what they think of us. Common witches not worth vanquishing. Mabel: Is that right. Well, check what these common witches just did. We're standing in the home of the Charmed Ones, we've got their powers, we got their book, and we got blonde multi-tonal hair. Who's the nuisance now? Margo: We are! Mitzy: Oh, yeah! (They laugh.) Mabel: So let's use all these powers to find the Halliwells. We can not rest until their dead. (The doorbell rings.) Mitzy: Phoebe's boyfriend. She had dinner plans with him tonight. Mabel: Go. Margo and I will work on the spells. Mitzy: Wait, what? Why does she get to go on a date? Mabel: We have to keep up pretences. If Leo or Chris find that we're impostors, they're gonna send the entire magical community after those girls and then we'll never find them. Go. (Mitzy gets a vibe.) Mitzy: (to Margo) I felt that, Miss Blackheart. (Mitzy leaves the room.) Mabel: Let's get to work. [Scene: Motel. Phoebe and Paige help Piper inside a room.] Phoebe: Okay, okay. (Phoebe places a bag of stuff on a dressing table. Piper and Paige sit on the bed.) Let's see what we got here. Let's see. (Phoebe pulls up Piper's pant leg.) You right? Piper: Yeah. Phoebe: You sure? Piper: Yeah. Phoebe: Ohh! It's bad! It's really, really bad! Piper: Okay, just do what you can, we have to get back to the manor fast for Wyatt. (Phoebe gets some bandages out of the bag.) Phoebe: They're not gonna hurt Wyatt, they won't risk exposure, not while we're still alive. Paige: How are we gonna stay alive? How are we gonna fight without our powers? Phoebe: At least you can still orb. Piper: I wish you could orb to Leo. I'd give anything for one of his unwanted visits right... ow! Phoebe: Piper, we really should get you to the doctor. Piper: No. Phoebe: Why? Piper: The same reason we paid cash for this room. Because without picture IDs we've got no credit cards, we got nothing. It's like we don't exist. Paige: Everyone in the world thinks we're these trashy blondes. I do have to hand it to them though, they've taken identity theft to a whole new level. Piper: What about Chris? What if we get him in the same room with the blonde ones so we can prove to him they're fakes. Paige: How? He can't hear our call. Going into the manor right now would be suicide. Phoebe: Wait a minute. I have an idea. Maybe we can find some magical creatures to help us. Like fairies or muses. What do you think? Piper: We won't be able to see them, we're not witches anymore. Paige: You're not, you can't see them. But I'm still half Whitelighter and I actually happen to know where a couple of handy dandy gremlins like to hang out. Piper: You mean, the fruit packer killing variety? Phoebe: No-no-no-no. This could actually work. Gremlins are fast, right? They can move between realms, they could actually help us find Chris. Piper: What if they say no? Paige: Well, if they say no then I'll just have to threaten their little butts with my vanquishing gel. Phoebe: Okay, Paige, you orb to the plant and find those gremlins. Chris has got to be back to the manor by midnight. Piper, you stay here where you're safe. Piper: Where are you going? Phoebe: I am going to hand out a personal invitation. (Phoebe leaves the room.) [Scene: Restaurant. Mitzy and Jason are sitting at a table. Phoebe sneaks in and hides behind a plant. Mitzy pulls a necklace out of a jewellery box. She gasps.] Mitzy: Hey, now! Who'd you knock off for this? Jason: Ah, it's nothing. There's, uh, there's so much I want for us, Phoebe... Mitzy: How many carats are these? (An elderly man turns to Phoebe.) Elderly Man: Miss, miss, could we have a wine menu here, please? Phoebe: Sure. (Phoebe takes a menu off another man and hands it to the elderly man.) Man: Hey! Mitzy: Wow, you just earned yourself a bit fat thank you. (She drops a napkin on the floor.) Oops, better get that. (She gets down under the table. Phoebe's eyes widen.) Jason: Uh, Phoebe, what are you doing under the... whoa! Elderly Man: My wife was wondering if you have any champagne. Phoebe: How dare she. Elderly Woman: Well, I only drink it on special occasions. This is our forty-second wedding anniversary. Phoebe: You slut. Jason: Uh, can I talk to you, Phoebe, up here where I can see your face? (Mitzy pops up from underneath the table.) Mitzy: Huh? (She sits back down. Phoebe sneaks over and sits down at the next table.) Jason: Today you said you wanted to talk and now you're groping me under the table. What's going on? Mitzy: Well, if you didn't interrupt me, you would've figured it out. Jason: Look, Phoebe, maybe you got the wrong guy here because this isn't what I'm about. Phoebe: Really? (Phoebe gets up.) Do you really mean that? Jason: Who are you? Mitzy: She's nobody, baby, let me take care of this. (She stands up.) Listen, sweetie... (Phoebe punches Mitzy right in the nose and Mitzy receives a premonition. In the premonition, Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb into the manor. The premonition ends.) Jason: Lady, what the hell's going on here? Phoebe: I'm so sorry, I thought she was someone else. I'm sorry. Sorry. (Phoebe rushes off.) [Scene: Fruit packing plant. Paige is there looking for the gremlins. She is holding the green vanquishing gel.] Paige: Hey, little blue fellas! Come on out! I won't hurt you. (She walks into another room where a gremlin is jogging on the conveyer belt.) Hey, will you slow down for a second? I have an offer I would like to discuss with you. (The other gremlin swings on a chain towards Paige. She orbs out and the gremlin swings straight into the other gremlin, knocking him off the conveyer belt. Paige orbs back in.) What's it gonna be? (She holds up the green gel.) [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Mabel and Jack the Bartender stumble in kissing furiously, unaware of Leo sitting in the corner with Wyatt. They fall back onto the bed.] Leo: Piper. (They stop.) What are you doing? Mabel: Isn't it obvious? Leo: Yeah. But in front of our son? Mabel: Well, the lights are off. Jack: I think I'd better go, Piper. I'll see you tomorrow at work. (They get up.) Mabel: Well, no, wait. (Jack leaves.) Oh, man. Look what you did. Aren't we like divorced or something? What are you doing here? Leo: I told you, sometimes I visit Wyatt in the nursery to hold him. It's the only chance I get to spend any time with him. Mabel: You know what, you're right. I'm a terrible mother. I don't deserve a son, you should take him. Leo: Careful, I just might. Mabel: Great, it's settled, he's yours. Leo: Piper, what's the matter with you? You're not acting like yourself. Mabel: I'm sorry, Leo, I think I'm just post-partem. I've just been so tired and overworked. It would really help out if you could take Wyatt off my hands for a while. Please? (Leo orbs out. Mitzy stands at the doorway.) Mitzy: Don't worry about the bartender. We've got bigger fish to fry. [Cut to the conservatory. The clock strikes 12:00. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.] Paige: Okay, if the gremlins found Chris, he should be here by now. Piper: Well, he better hurry. (They try to leave the room and the doors close on them.) Phoebe: Oh, this is not good. (They try to go out through the other doors and the close as well.) Piper: Okay. (Another door closes. Mabel, Mitzy and Margo walk in.) Mabel: You Charmed Ones think you're so clever. Mitzy: Surprised to see us? I got my first premonition tonight. Phoebe: I know you did, you genius. I planted it to lead you here. Mitzy: Oh. Margo: Well, from where I'm standing that seemed like a stupid thing to do, and I know a lot about stupid things. Piper: Yeah, see, she's got us there. (Chris orbs in.) Chris: You wouldn't happen to know any gremlins, would you? Paige: Uh, it's about time. Phoebe: Chris, thank god. Look at them, look at them, they're impostors. They stole... Chris: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Who are you? Mabel: They're witches. They're the ones that killed that guy across the street. Piper: No, Chris, she's lying. Remember this morning when you said something was gonna happen to the book? Well, this is it. It's happening now. Mitzy: Ugh, enough of this. Piper, blast them. Chris: How do you know what I said to Piper? Paige: Because she is Piper. And I'm Paige and this is Phoebe. And they cast an identity spell to make the entire world think they're us. Margo: That's ridiculous. Everyone knows the Charmed Ones are blonde. Mabel: If you're Piper, then show me your powers, blast me. Piper: I can't, you stole them. Mabel: Okay, so we stole your identities and your powers. Wow, we must be good. Definitely worth more than a paragraph. Margo: Oh, yeah. Mabel: It's time to take care of you witches and your delusions. Paige: Wait! Wait. I can prove that we're telling the truth. I can still orb, I'm half Whitelighter. Chris: Okay, go for it. (Paige tries to orb but nothing happens. She tries again.) Margo: (whispers) What do you think of my anti-orb spell? Chris: Go ahead, Piper, blast away. (Mabel tries to blow them up but misses and gets the window.) Phoebe: She missed, Chris, when have you ever known Piper to miss? Mabel: Even I'm entitled to a bad day. Margo: Come on, try again. (Mabel blows up a pot plant.) Paige: Uh, Chris, a little help here. Piper: Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry. Mitzy: We've got them now. Piper: Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up? Phoebe: Piper, death bad, life good. Paige: Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job. (The blonde sisters gasp.) Mabel: How dare you! (Mabel blows up the doors.) Piper: Run! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige run in.] Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god, we need weapons. Paige: Uh, demon leftovers. (They run over to a large chest and pull out a crossbow.) Phoebe: Piper, Piper, for you. (They hand it to Piper. They pull out an axe.) Okay. (Paige pulls out a spiked ball.) Ready? Paige: Yes. (Piper crouches behind a couch and Phoebe and Paige stand on each side of the door. The blonde sisters walk in.) Now! (Piper pulls the trigger on the bow and an arrow heads straight for Mabel. She puts her hands up in fear and she freezes Piper, Phoebe and Paige. She plucks the arrow out of the air.) Mabel: Oh, so that's how it works. Margo: Uh, could we like, not stand here right now? (They move out of Phoebe and Paige's line of fire.) Mitzy: Now what? Mabel: Now we kill them. (Chris orbs in.) Chris: You did it. Nice work, babe. (He walk over to Mitzy and kisses her passionately.) Margo: This is not fair! First, I get ripped off in the power department, then you bag the bartender, and the boyfriend lays diamonds on you. That Whitelighter belongs to me. Mitzy: Ow, my head. You know, you really need to learn to control your emotions. I can't help it if Chris chose me. Margo: Did you sleep with him? Mitzy: No. Chris: Yes. Mabel: You did what? I gave you a direct order, that Whitelighter was off limits. Mitzy: You know what? I am sick and tired of your orders. We both are. Margo: Stay out of my feelings. Mabel: Oh, are those your feelings? Margo: The hell yes those are my feelings. You boss us around like we're idiots. (Mitzy gets a vibe.) Mitzy: What? She thinks we are idiots. Mabel: I didn't say that. Chris: Yeah, but I bet she felt it. My little empath feels everything. Mitzy: He's right. You despise us. (Chris looks over at the book and the triquetra on the front glows.) In fact, until I became an empath I never realised how much you truly hate us. Chris: You know what? Come on, baby, lets go, who needs them? (Chris grabs Mitzy's arm.) Mabel: Oh, you're not going anywhere. We've got to stick together or our plan falls apart. Margo: See? There you go, bossing again. Mitzy: Mm-hm. Margo: Just let the little chippy run off if that's what she wants. Mitzy: Don't call me a chippy. (She pushes Margo.) Margo: Don't push me! (She pushes Mitzy back.) Mabel: Just shut up! (Mabel pushes them both and the triquetra on the book splits apart. Piper, Phoebe and Paige unfreeze.) Chris: You should be able to handle these women now. (Piper punches Mabel and Paige punches Margo. Phoebe walks over to Mitzy.) Mitzy: Not the nose, please. Phoebe: I think you have something that's mine. Mitzy: Sure. (She takes off the necklace.) It's yours. Anything you want. Phoebe: Thank you. (Phoebe punches Mitzy in the nose.) Paige: (to Chris) I take it this was all your doing. Chris: Hey, you're the one who got me here. Piper: How did you know they weren't us? Chris: In all my life I have never seen you take the bait the way that witch took it from you. Phoebe: In all your life? You've only been our Whitelighter for two months. Chris: Let's just reverse the magic. (Chris opens the book and hands it to them.) Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here." (White magical lights rise out of the blonde sisters and sink into Piper, Phoebe and Paige.) [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Leo and Wyatt are there. Leo is playing with Wyatt. Piper is standing at the doorway.] Piper: So we binded their powers and handed them over to Morris. There was enough evidence across the street to book 'em for murder and if that doesn't stick, they're wanted in eight other states. Looks like you two had a good time. Leo: Yeah, he loved all the clouds up there. Piper: I bet. Leo: Well, he just finished a bottle, he's probably ready for a nap. I should get going. Piper: Leo, wait, um, don't go too far away from Wyatt, okay? I mean, feel free to sneak in and hold him any time I'm not around. Leo: Thanks. (Chris walks in.) Chris: Leo, can I talk to you for a second? Leo: (to Wyatt) See ya, buddy. (Leo and Chris go out into the foyer.) Chris: There's a rumour floating around up there that you've got a lead on whoever scattered your auras. Leo: Yeah, I know, I floated it. Chris: You did? Why? Leo: To draw out the guilty party. Chris: Did it work? Leo: You tell me. So far you're the only one to come forward with any questions. Chris: It's an interesting experiment. When you find out who did it, let me know. Leo: Oh, I already know who did it, Chris, and when I get enough proof to expose him, he'll be the first one to know. [Scene: Car Wreckers. Paige is there talking to the gremlins.] Paige: I don't know why I keep running into magic but thanks to you two I have my identity back and the fruit packers are unionised. So for now I'm just gonna go with it. However, you two can't hurt people anymore and that's why I brought you here so you can tinker away to your heart's content. Well, how about it, little blue dudes. (The gremlins zip off into the pile of cars.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Jason's Office. Jason is sitting as his desk. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Hi. Jason: Hi. Phoebe: Can we talk? Jason: About? Phoebe: Us. Jason: I thought we tried that earlier. Phoebe: I was kind of hoping we could forget about that. Jason: Okay. Phoebe: You're still mad. Jason: No, no, actually, I'm confused. I swear, every time I see you, I never know which Phoebe I'm gonna get. You either wanna talk, or you want... Phoebe: Yeah. I know. But I don't know how to act around you either. You know, you fly in for a few days and we're supposed to squeeze everything that we're feeling for each other in those few days and it's just, it's just really hard. Jason: I know. Phoebe: And that's why I wanted to go to dinner, you know? Just so we could talk. Figure out how we feel about each other. Jason: How's your nose? Phoebe: My nose? Oh, yeah, my nose. It's pretty good. I'm a fast healer. Well, I should probably let you get back to work, huh? (She heads for the door.) Jason: What are you doing right now? Phoebe: Trying to make a classy exit. Jason: You want to go to a classy lunch? We'll just, we'll talk. Phoebe: I'd love to. (Jason grabs his coat and heads for the door.) Jason. Jason: Yeah. Phoebe: Thanks for my diamonds.
Plan: A: three; Q: How many evil sisters steal the Charmed Ones' identities and powers? A: Piper; Q: Who realizes that Wyatt needs time with Leo? A: Chris; Q: Who must Piper, Phoebe, and Paige convince that they are the real Charmed Ones? A: their lives; Q: What do the Charmed Ones need to get back? A: his quest; Q: What is Leo doing to find out who put him on the Island of Valhalla? Summary: When three evil sisters magically steal the Charmed Ones' identities and powers, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige must convince Chris that they are the real Charmed Ones in order to get their lives back. Meanwhile, Piper realizes that Wyatt needs time with Leo, who continues on his quest to find out who put him on the Island of Valhalla.
The Time Warrior By Robert Holmes Broadcast December 5th 1974 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (Sarah dashes at Linx trying to deflect his aim.) SARAH: No! (The Doctor falls and Linx brushes Sarah off.) LINX: The female, too. It seems I am doubly fortunate. (One of the scientists collapses with exhaustion.) LINX: Get up! Get back to work! DOCTOR: Linx, can't you see that your prisoners are physically exhausted? They've had no sleep and nothing to eat for days. LINX: They can still work. DOCTOR: Not for much longer. LINX: I owe these primitives nothing. (Rubeish hunts around stealthily for a weapon.) LINX: My only concern is to rejoin our glorious struggle for freedom. DOCTOR: That's such an old tune. Don't you know there's no such thing as the super race? LINX: Your Time Lord philosophy is egalitarian twaddle. It is a weakness. DOCTOR: Every species has its own weakness, Linx. For instance, you can only be stunned by a blow on the probic vent, that small hole at the back of your neck. LINX: In our case, Doctor, it is a strength, because it means we must always face our enemies. LINX: Now, to return to the question of your demise. I think it would be better if you witnessed first the destruction of your female companion. (Rubeish strikes Linx, who screams, falls, hisses and gurgles.) DOCTOR: Well done, Rubeish. SARAH: Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. The blast was too brief. But I wouldn't have been in a few moments. Thank you very much, Sarah. SARAH: Oh, pleasure. (Sarah helps the Doctor to his feet.) SARAH: Hadn't I better be getting on with the rest of your plan? DOCTOR: Yes, all right, but be careful. SARAH: You too, Doctor. (Sarah exits.) DOCTOR: Right, well, if we can secure our friend here, we can get on with the job of restoring his wretched victims. RUBEISH: Will this help? (Rubish passes the Doctor some cable.) DOCTOR: Rubeish, you're invaluable, my dear chap. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL (We see Irongron lift a rifle from crate full.) IRONGRON: Bloodaxe. BLOODAXE: Captain. IRONGRON: Fetch me Linx. Fetch me that scabby faced stoat from his burrow. BLOODAXE: At once, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (The Doctor binds up Linx with the cable.) DOCTOR: Well, that should hold him for a while, even on this planet. RUBEISH: Why this planet? DOCTOR: Well, in his own environment he weighs several tons. Fortunately his muscles have been designed for load bearing rather than leverage. RUBEISH: Fascinating. I'd always assumed that creatures from a high density planet would have developed a pressure balanced physiology. For example, if you take certain types of seaweed BLOODAXE (OOV): Linx! Linx! (The Doctor runs to get Linx's helmet and puts it on. Bloodaxe is at the door.) BLOODAXE: Linx? DOCTOR: Who speaks? BLOODAXE: Captain Irongron commands your presence. DOCTOR: Tell him I'm busy. BLOODAXE: Well, come soon or we come and fetch you. (Bloodaxe exits and the Doctor takes off Linx's helmet.) RUBEISH: Who is Irongron? Is he a nice chap? DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't recommend him for the Royal Society. All right, Rubeish old chap, now you know how to bring these people round? RUBEISH: Yes. A simple repetitive optical DOCTOR: Yes, quite so. I'll leave you to get on with it. RUBEISH: Well, what do you propose to do? DOCTOR: I was going to preset this osmic projector and send these people back to their own time, but now I have to find a way of stalling Irongron. (The Doctor stopis in his tracks as he sees the robot knight.) DOCTOR: The robot! Yes, of course. That ought to give him something to think about. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. KITCHEN (Sarah cautiously enters, finds a small bag and starts filling it with food.) MEG: Thief! SARAH: You common scullion, stand aside. How dare you obstruct me? I shall have you flogged. MEG: Oh, so, a lady, are you? A lady dressed as a serving wench? SARAH: I'm hungry. Please let me go. I've tasted neither bread nor meat for nearly a month. (Meg grabs Sarah's hand and studies it.) MEG: No, nor done no work for longer by the look of you. All right, my girl, I'll give you bread and cheese, but you'll have to earn it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL (The robot appears through the open doorway.) IRONGRON: Who are you? DOCTOR (in the robot knight's suit): I am a gift to Captain Irongron from the one who made me, my master, Commander Linx. IRONGRON: It is indeed the robot, Bloodaxe, though somewhat different in shape. And I remember, Linx promised to make me a second iron man, one that would obey my voice. But why has Linx sent you? Why has he not he himself obeyed my summons? DOCTOR: My master toils in his workshop to make you more fighting robots. He sent me as proof of his goodwill. IRONGRON: What? DOCTOR: Now I must return. IRONGRON: Hold. I would see something of the mettle of this gift. Can you fight, iron man? DOCTOR: That is my purpose. IRONGRON: Then fight me. DOCTOR: I was programmed to fight for you, not against you. IRONGRON: Cease thy gabble and fight. DOCTOR: You will damage my circuits. IRONGRON: Fight, iron man, or you'll return to Linx in as many pieces as did your brother. (Irongron strikes and they launch into a sword fight, where the Doctor gets the better of him.) IRONGRON: Hold. BLOODAXE: It's truly a marvel, Captain. Never have I seen a finer swordsman. IRONGRON: Ah, tis great sport this, Bloodaxe. Draw your sword and join me. We'll try this creature's strength to the upmost. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. KITCHEN (Meg smacks a worker on the back of the neck.) MEG: Get on! (The sword fight can be heard.) SARAH: What's that? MEG: Oh, fighting again in the great hall, I'll warrant. Men were ever like children, fond of noise and brawling. Get about your work, girl. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL IRONGRON: Hold. Hold, I say! We must slow this iron man's speed a little. Stick me some crossbow bolts in the creature. We'll see if it fights as well with a crossbow bolt or two in its gizzard. And if that fails, we'll lop off its head and try again then. DOCTOR: Isn't that a bit unsporting, old man? I mean, sitting ducks and all that. IRONGRON: This iron man talks like some Norman ninny. Lift up your visor. DOCTOR: I cannot reveal my face, Irongron. IRONGRON: Why? DOCTOR: Because if I did, it might give you a seizure. (Irongron raises the visor.) IRONGRON: The wizard! DOCTOR: Well, I did warn you, didn't I? (The Doctor runs out the door.) IRONGRON: Seize him! (The Doctor is brought back by two men. Irongron removes the Doctor's helmet and raises his sword to strike.) IRONGRON: No. The sword is too quick and clean a death for you. Well, since you are a wizard, then by wizardry shall you die. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. KITCHEN MEG: Not so much of that oatmeal, girl. It's only pikemen we're feeding, not horses. Hey, watch that pot. MEG: If you burn Irongron's stew, he'll have your liver cut out. SARAH: Is all this for Irongron? MEG: Him and his chamber guard. SARAH: How many's that? MEG: Half a dozen. You're full of questions, girl. SARAH: Don't the guards on the gate get stew? MEG: What, meat for those common creatures? I should say not. They'll have oatmeal the same as the rest of us, and lusty enough they are on that. So you watch yourself if ever you take out that skillet. SARAH: I'm not afraid of men. They don't own the world. Why should women always have to cook and carry for them? MEG: What else should we do? SARAH: Stand up for ourselves. Tell the men you're tired of working for them like slaves. MEG: We are slaves. SARAH: Then you should set yourselves free. MEG: Oh? And how should we do that? SARAH: Don't you want to be free? MEG: Women will never be free while there are men in the world, girl. We have our place. SARAH: What subservient poppycock. You're still living in the Middle Ages. MEG: Eh? SARAH: Nothing. MEG: You're young and foolish, girl. And I warn you, keep those thoughts to yourself or you'll not live long enough to grow wiser. I must tell them their food will soon be ready. (Meg goes out the door. Sarah pours somthing into the stewpot. She then goes over to where the oatmeal is being prepared.) SARAH: Look at that great spider! (The girl screams and jumps back. Sarah tips the bottle into the pot.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (Rubeish is singing to himself as he flashes a light at one of the scientists.) RUBEISH: Oh see me dance the polka, oh see me dah dah dee. (hums the rest.) (The scientist stirs.) RUBEISH: Ah, that's it. Come on, stand up, my dear chap. Come on. Come on. That's it. (Rubeish addresses five of the scientists.) RUBEISH: Now listen, all of you. You've been kidnapped, but you're about to be rescued. I hope. There's a machine here that'll send you home again. Unfortunately, I don't know how to work it, and the chap who does has vanished. But I expect he'll pop up again. He usually does. But the important thing is, until then, you must carry on working as if you were still hypnotised. MORRISON: Can I ask RUBEISH: Oh, Morrison, don't start asking a lot of awkward questions. I assure you I don't know the answers any more than you do. IRONGRON (OOV): Linx! RUBEISH: Back to work, everyone. Someone's coming. (They scurry and Irongron comes through the door.) IRONGRON: Linx, you dog! Where are you hiding? (Irongron notices the Doctor's jacket on a table, then finds Linx on the floor.) IRONGRON: Oh, there you are, you dragon eyed toad. Who puts these bonds on you? (Irongron draws his dagger and cuts Linx's bonds.) LINX: The Doctor. I was struck from behind. Where is he? IRONGRON: The Doctor is dying. LINX: What method have you chosen to destroy him? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL (Irongron flings the jacket at the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Thank you, sir, for your charm and old world courtesy. May I ask the purpose of this tomfoolery? If you're going to have me shot, why don't you get on with it? IRONGRON: I would not have your death be in vain, good sorcerer. I intend that it shall be of some use to me. DOCTOR: Nothing that I do will be of use to you, Irongron. IRONGRON: Oh, nay, Doctor, but you're wrong. These knaves of mine lack practice with their star weapons. A living target will give them a chance to better their aim before tomorrow's battle. You, shoot! (The man cocks his rifle and fires, missing the Doctor.) IRONGRON: These knaves of mine aim so ill, Doctor, that you are mayhap safer to stand still. You, shoot. (The Doctor ducks this one.) IRONGRON: The aim improves, Doctor. Be patient. We shall hit the target all in good time. DOCTOR: I'm in no great hurry, I assure you. IRONGRON: Oh, beshrew me, but I grow fond of this fellow. Shoot when you please, lads, and a bag of gold to the one that brings him down. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. KITCHEN SARAH: That noise! I can hear shooting. MEG: More tomfoolery. SARAH: What is it? What's happening? MEG: They've captured Sir Edward's sorcerer, this fellow the Doctor, and now they're slaying him in the great hall with these devil's weapons of theirs. (Sarah runs up the stairs.) MEG: For the life of me I can't see what's wrong with a good old-fashioned broad sword. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL IRONGRON: By the stars, this fellow hops around like a flea on a griddle. LINX: Give me a weapon. I will destroy him. IRONGRON: What? Would you spoil good sport, old toad? (Sarah unties the candelabra let's it go.) SARAH: Doctor! (The Doctor seizes the swinging candelabra and runs out.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. CORRIDOR (The Doctor battens the doors and Sarah appears.) DOCTOR: Well done, Sarah. Just like a daring young man on the flying trapeze. Come on. IRONGRON (OOV): Get them! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. COURTYARD DOCTOR: Sarah, wait. Come on. (They dash for the entrance, then slow down and stroll through. The Doctor whistles and beckons the two guards.) DOCTOR: Hai! (The Doctor strikes both guards simultaneously.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SIR EDWARD'S HALL (The Doctor and Sarah are sitting at the table.) DOCTOR: Do you know, I think that was one of the most active days I've had in years. Well, it's not as if I was a lad anymore, once you're over two hundred. EDWARD: So then, Doctor, your plans have miscarried, I fear. What will you do now? DOCTOR: Oh, wait a bit. Give the potion time to work and then go back. SARAH: But Doctor, you can't! DOCTOR: Sarah, I must. Rubeish and all those scientists are there. Now, Linx's spaceship is just about ready for takeoff, and when that happens, there'll be a tremendous explosion and all that will be left of that castle will be a pile of stones. EDWARD: But Doctor, how can the castle go? DOCTOR: Just believe me, sir. When Linx goes, it goes. ELEANOR: Irongron's castle is to be destroyed by sorcery? Then all is well. DOCTOR: There are innocent people in that castle, my lady, and I don't like the idea of anybody going up in smoke. Not even Irongron. SARAH: If you're going back, then I'm coming with you. HAL: I too will come with you, if my master permits. DOCTOR: Well, thank you. Thank you both. I can do with all the help I can get. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (Linx grabs a device from a scientist. Lights come on in the spaceship.) LINX: Thank you, my friends. Your work is finished. You may rest now for a time until the power build up is complete. (Linx goes out the door.) RUBEISH: Doctor, I think you'd better get a move on. I've a feeling time's beginning to run out. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FOREST. IN FRONT OF THE TARDIS (The Doctor exits the TARDIS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. MAIN ENTRANCE The guards slide to the ground as they fall asleep. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FOREST (The Doctor joins Hal and Sarah, who are observing behind some scrub.) DOCTOR: Good evening. SARAH: It's working, Doctor. Look. HAL: Aye, the villains sleep like innocent babes. DOCTOR: Good. Well, we'll wait a bit to be on the safe side, and then we'll go in. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP RUBEISH: At last, Doctor, there you are. Something most interesting happening here. DOCTOR: Yes, so I see. Where's Linx? RUBEISH: I don't know. He started his spaceship going then cleared off. DOCTOR: Where's the osmic projector? It was over there on the table. RUBEISH: He put everything back inside the ship. DOCTOR: Well, I'll just have to take it out again, won't I. Hal, scout around the castle. See if Irongron and his men are sleeping. If they are, disarm them and come back here. SARAH: What are you going to do, Doctor? DOCTOR: Get the osmic projector. Fortunately it's an independent unit. SARAH: Well, can't you switch this thing off? DOCTOR: Well, I can try. SARAH: Suppose you don't succeed? DOCTOR: Then we've got between five and ten minutes to get out of here before we're all blown to kingdom come. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. CORRIDOR (Hal relieves a guard of his sword.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP SARAH: Couldn't you shut it down? DOCTOR: No, the drive system is sealed. Linx must have taken the activator key. I managed to get a hold of this, though. I was lucky to get it out with the drive running. (The Doctor adjusts the device.) DOCTOR: I think that should do it. DOCTOR: I've got to send them back one at a time. Get the first one to stand over there, will you, Rubeish? RUBEISH: Come on, Morrison. DOCTOR: All right, Rubeish, come over here. I may want you to take over. Now then, all you have to do is this, this and this. Get it. RUBEISH: Yes. DOCTOR: Right, here goes. (The scientist dematerialises.) DOCTOR: Right, that ought to surprise them back at the Research Centre. Next gentleman, please. RUBEISH: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL IRONGRON: For the last time, Linx, let there be no more talk of leaving. LINX: And I tell you for the last time, I am leaving now. Our alliance is at an end. IRONGRON: It ends when I say it ends and not before. LINX: You would be well advised to march from this castle now and capture another. Soon you will have need of it. BLOODAXE: He threatens us, Captain. IRONGRON: He does not understand our ways. Tomorrow, Linx, we smite the enemy, hip and thigh. But tonight, we feast. LINX: By your dawn I shall be seven hundred million miles from here. Can I be concerned with the fate of primitives? (Linx marches out and the men laugh.) BLOODAXE: What did he mean, Captain? IRONGRON: He is a toad. Who know what a toad thinks? BLOODAXE: Aye, Captain, 'tis truly said. IRONGRON: This stew has made me heavy. (The men start falling asleep.) IRONGRON: Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP DOCTOR: That's Linx. Send the rest of them back. I'll try and keep him busy. (Links fires at the Doctor, who shields himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL (Hal is removing all the mens' swords. Irongron wakes and grabs him.) IRONGRON: Trickery! Sorcery! (Irongron knocks Hal to the ground.) IRONGRON: What sorcery! Treachery! That toad Linx bewitched us all! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (The Doctor and Linx are still fighing.) SARAH: Now you, professor. RUBEISH: I really don't think I ought to go and leave you. SARAH: Off you go now. Now then. This, this and this. RUBEISH: Well, goodbye and good luck. It really has been a most fascinating experience. I hope you and the Doctor will be all right. See you back at the Research Centre. (Rubeish dematerialises. Linx throws the Doctor head over heels.) SARAH: Doctor! (Irongron comes through the door.) IRONGRON: So, destroy my castle by sorcery, would you, toad face? Well, Irongron's magic is too strong for you! (Irongron goes to strike Linx and Linx uses his ray gun on him.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL (Hal regains consciousness and tries to wake Bloodaxe.) HAL: Now listen, dog. In minutes now this castle will be destroyed by the sorcery. If you'd save your miserable skins, then get you gone! (Hal runs out the door.) BLOODAXE: Flee, dogs! Flee for your life! Come on, waken, you dogs! And flee, flee for your lives, you dogs! Waken! Waken up! Now flee! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (Linx is in his spaceship. Sarah shakes the Doctor.) SARAH: Doctor, do get up. We've got to get you out! (Hal appears and deftly fires an arrow into Linx's probic vent.) DOCTOR: Something's gone wrong. He must have hit the take off button too soon. Come on, we've got about a minute to get out of here. Quick, run! (Equipment starts to spark.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FOREST (The Doctor, Sarah and Hal are running, when the castle explodes and knocks them to the ground. When the dust clears, they get up and walk over to the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Well, you can tell Sir Edward that his problems are over, Hal. Irongron, his castle, his magic weapons and his sorcerer, they're all destroyed. HAL: Will you not tell him yourself, Doctor? He will reward you well. We owe you much. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. I'm afraid we must be off. Goodbye, Hal. HAL: Goodbye, Doctor. SARAH: Goodbye. HAL: Goodbye. You are truly a great magician, Doctor. DOCTOR: To tell you the truth, Hal, I'm not a magician at all. SARAH: I'm not so sure about that.
Plan: A: the scientists; Q: Who does the Doctor try to return to their own time? A: Linx; Q: Who tries to use his spaceship to destroy the entire castle? Summary: The Doctor attempts to return the scientists to their own time, before Linx tries to use his spaceship and destroys the entire castle.
Ted (2030): Kids at this moment in history, had been found look-alikes. Lookalikes strange but funky, four of us. Robin There was a lesbian. Marshall... the mustachioed Lily the stripper... and Mexican wrestler myself. Yes, mine was the coolest. And therefore, it was all anxious to find the lookalike fifth, that of Barney. It was more important to some than others. (Lily and Marshall are at McLaren's.) Lily: We agree, it's insane to have a child before he saw the five doubles, right? Marshall: Sure, it goes without saying. Lily: So when we finally see a dead ringer for Barney, this is the message of the universe to tell us to do. And at that time, we'll try. Deal? Marshall: Deal. Ted (2030): And one day, a few weeks later... (Lily and Marshall are in the street.) Marshall: You were serious with this story of the fifth lookalike?A baby is big enough to let the universe decide. Lily: I know, it's crazy. It's easier to let the universe decide. Why? Marshall: Decided! Lily: Wait 2 seconds! It could easily be Barney who tries to f*ck chicks. Marshall: I've moved up. (He calls Barney.) Barney: Barney here. Marshall: Marshall. So, you're in the office? You're not, I do not know, driving a taxi, with a wig? Barney: Yes, I'm in the office. This is the sound of my stapler.This is the sound of my trouilloteuse. And that, the sound of me, ranking the company's directive on sexual harassment. What's new? I gotta run, great leader. Marshall: Barney's office. It was the fifth double. Lily: Marshall Eriksen... put a baby in my belly. (Credits) (Marshall and Lily find themselves at the bar.) Marshall: I hasten to add. This is one of the moments you dream about. "Friends, Lily and I have unprotected relations. "I have chills. Lily: We're going to say anything. Marshall: What? Why? Lily: If you tell them, they are invited in at the most private and intimate of our lives. (Barney opened the bedroom door of Marshall and Lily.) Barney: You kiss? Go on, I'm not even there. But just like that, have a baby: big mistake. Now, show me. Ted: Uncle Ted is here! How you will handle the story of Santa Claus? You should be honest. Damn, I will disguise myself. Robin, on TV: It just happened... is that Marshall Eriksen will say to his wife while trying to impregnate her. Helicopter 12 is live at the scene, with "Baby Alert: 2010." Marshall: Okay. I tell anyone. (Robin and Ted joined them.) Lily: We saw the fifth lookalike! Robin: Incredible! Ted: That's great! Robin: Bizarre. A Barney Brown. Lily: I know. Say what you want about him, but Barney is better blonde. Robin: True. The blonde does not go to any guy. Ted: I'm not sure. Lily: What? Ted: This was where I was swimming teacher at Cascade Country Club of Grief, I washed the mop with lemon juice, playing with natural highlights. Let's just say that there were some old pretending to drown. Unfortunately, one has really drowned. In short, blonde suits me. Marshall, thinking: Okay you two. We are in a delicate situation but very promising. Lily, thinking: If we play well the next minute, Ted goes to bleach their hair. Robin, thinking: This is wicked, can not... I just imagine. How do we do? Ted, thinking: What we all think? Nachos? (Marshall thinking Ted Mosby meets one thing above all else.) Ted, thinking: I know. I really had for lunch. Marshall, thinking: Several people told him not to do something.Follow me. Ted: I do not care, I can eat. Yes, we would like nachos. Marshall: I love you buddy, but it is impossible that the blond you go well. Robin: It would not look good. Lily: Yeah, seriously, Ted, you not discolor hair. Ted: I fade hair! Marshall: It is not at all what we expected! Ted (2030): The children, Robin and Don became such a duo, both outside and inside the screen, that Channel 12 asked them to lead others of their flagship programs. (Robin and Don are puppets.) Don: So that's why Monty and I have vowed never to take drugs.Because the drug is bad. Not true, Monty? Robin: Of course... the chemical stuff, yes. But, what grows in nature, they can try, like, a couple of times. Don: We do not try to Shadow Zone, Monty. Robin: I think that we should not lie to kids, Moo-Moo! Don: So... what do you mean? Robin: I've tried drugs. Ted (2030): Fun Fact: This episode had the highest ratings. (Don kisses Robin.) Robin: What was that for? Don: Before you, I had given up everything. Relationships, my career, my pants. You have given me want to try again. I love you for that. Robin: I see... (Marshall is in the street when a dead ringer for Barney got into his taxi.) Marshall: Sorry. You do not know me. But I wanted to thank you.In fact, you are someone very important in my life. Barney lookalike: Important? You mean, legendary? Marshall, it's me! Ted (2030): Oddly, this was not the biggest surprise of the day. Robin, on the phone: This is rather sudden. Of course, you will have an answer tomorrow. Okay. Thank you. (She hangs up and then remember) Ted, something big has just arrived and you're the most sensitive people I know. That I may see you. (At the hairdresser...) You know what, it can wait. Ted: No, go ahead. I'm listening. Robin: The executive producer of WNKW saw our show the other morning and I loved it. They offer me the position of presenter, starting next week. Ted: That's great! Robin: Yes, but here's the thing... WNKW is... Ted: Helen, dryer stops! Robin: Is Chicago. (Marshall is with Barney taxi driving.) Marshall: You're the fifth double. How can you be you? I called you, Barney. And we talked about! Barney: Yes, I understand. My colleagues are oddly on the fact that I work. I know, I know. (Flashback) Barney: To make them believe that I break my ass, when in truth I break some ass, I made a special message. What's new? I gotta run, Grand Chief. (End flashback) Marshall: It was a recording? You called me Big Chief, my nickname special job. Barney: Come, Grand Chief. Marshall: Come on. Stops. (Back to the hair salon...) Robin: Why it happens now? While all was well with Don. This is the never ending battle of my life: career vs. love. Ted: "Endless Battle"? Your career has crashed love for years.It's like the Globetrotters vs. the Generals. Crochet career in half, the love is greenhorns who deserve it the Italian league. Robin: I'm lost. What do I do? Ted: You really need to talk to Don. Robin: I'm too upset to talk with him. I have to avoid the time I decide what I want. Ted: It sounds logical. Sorry to not be able to help you more than that. In truth, I can not be objective about the fact you're gone. Robin: You did a manicure? Ted: No, I did not... Woman: It makes a. Marshall: Why are you brown taxi driver? Barney: Oh, that. You know how I dream of making love to a woman from each country? Marshall: Sure. You're doing well in the Baltics. Barney: I thought the fastest way to circumnavigate the world in 180 days. Take a taxi and wait before the United Nations. (Flashback) (A woman gets into a cab Barney.) Barney: It was the perfect plan. There's a detail I had not expected. (End flashback) Barney: The girls not want to enter a taxi driver. I worked hard on it. Marshall: I think so. I must confess to Lily that the fifth lookalike is false. Barney: What's the problem? Marshall: Lily decided that once you have seen all the doubles, we try to have children. Barney: Children!? No! Rule: no children under 45! You never read my blog!? He has improved a lot. Marshall: I'm ready to be a father, you know? But Lily needs a sign of the universe. It could take years. Barney: Sorry, pal. It'll be $ 37.50. Ted (2030): That night, Marshall returned to the news to Lily. [SCENE_BREAK] (Marshall enters the room where Lily is already there.) Lily: The universe has spoken. Marshall Eriksen, make a baby. (Ted with a blonde color Barney and Robin join the bar.) Barney: They told me, so I've prepared a few. I organize a "marriage". Tell me, Billy Idol, it's going to do? More on Billy Idol.If someone wants the real Slim Shady, it's there. This one was good. Robin, why do not you help me? Ted: First, I get lots of compliments. Then tell her. Robin: It gets no compliments. Ted: The other thing. Robin: It may be that I moved to Chicago next week. Marshall: Just to know, but it would do the same if we had not seen the Barney look-alike, eh? Lily: But we have seen, which means that the universe in its infinite wisdom, tell me of planting, and apply yourself. Marshall: I can not. I can in good conscience you plant. Lily: I know what's bothering you. Marshall: Really? Lily: The taxi driver looked like enough to Barney. Marshall: Well, there you got wrong. Barney: Time out! This is a group decision! You can not go to Chicago before we are all agreed. Ted: I think Robin... Barney: Stay out of it, Brigitte Nielsen and Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV! We need Marshall and Lily. Lily: It was smaller than Barney! Marshall: It was the same size! Lily: And you know what? I think he was Asian. Yeah, this guy was a little Asian with a graying goatee and belly. Marshall: You forgot what looks like Barney? Barney: You kiss? Marshall: Why are you in our room? (Robin's turn to...) Why are you in our room? (Followed by Ted) Why Ellen DeGeneres is in our room? Ted: It works! Barney: Wait a second. Candles... flowers... I guess that Marshall has "forgotten" to tell you. The fifth lookalike... it was me. Lily: What? Wait, you were aware? You lied to me? Marshall: By omission, because this idea of "let the world decide" is crazy. Lily: Baby, you... Marshall: We must control our... Barney: Friends! We forget what is really important here. Ted is blond. Ted: Friends, I'm doing well. Robin has something important to say. Robin: It failed him. Ted: The other thing. Robin: He had a manicure. Ted: The other thing. Robin: I had a job offer in Chicago. Barney: That's why we're all here. For Robin to deter... Robin: Actually, I already made my decision. Friends, I must accept. (Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are in the bar.) Ted: I can not believe that Robin is going to lose. Lily, thinking: Perhaps it's the depression talking, but Ted's hair beginning to be well? Marshall, thinking: Thank God, I thought I was the only one! Barney, thinking: Looks like a real movie star! Ted: And besides, it was a big mistake. I will re-stain the hair. Lily: Finally. Marshall: I told you so. Barney: Not so great that. (Robin joins them.) Robin: So I was on the phone with Chicago. (Flashback) (Robin is on the phone.) Robin: Yes, I made my decision. I appreciate the offer, but I can not accept it. Thank you. (End flashback) Robin: I'm staying. (Marshall and Lily go around.) Marshall: Tell me... Did you see the real Barney driving the taxi, and you thought it was a little Asian pot-bellied. Lily: I know. It's weird, huh? Marshall: It's not weird. That means you're not ready. Sorry for wanting to rush things. Our baby can expect the real dead ringer for Barney. (On the other side of the road, a dead ringer for Barney juggles.) (Don returned to his apartment.) Robin: Hello Moo-Moo! Monty did you do an extra-fine pizza just as you love them! Are you okay? Don: You'll never believe it. I was offered the position of presenter WNKW in Chicago. Robin: You said what? Don: I agreed. It's been years I expect this opportunity. Marshall: Barney? Sosie: I'm single mountebank of Estonia. Who is this Barney? Marshall: It's just a guy we know who has a blog and really bad. Sosia: It seems that he is improving. Finally, what is it, "blog"? Marshall: This is something that was cool 8 years ago. Sosia: Always cool. It looks pretty cool. Lily: What's your name? Sosia: Kristof. Lily: how Kristof? Sosia: Kristof... Sosie. Marshall: Really? Your last name is "Sosie"? Lookalike: It's my name, man. Don: Wait. Trying to understand. Robin: I'm going. Don: Wait. Put yourself in my place. You can imagine what it is to be offered a dream job? Robin: I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. Lily: Barney, why are you doing this? Marshall: Wait a second. Is it possible that Barney Stinson secretly hope they have children? Sosia: Who is Barney? Calm down the U.S.! Lily: Let me talk about him. He keeps saying that nobody should have children before 45 years. Sosie: I'd be interested to read what he has to say in his blog. Lily: But I think I know what happens. Yesterday, Barney felt obliged to say goodbye to someone he really likes. And it made him think... A baby joining our group might not be the worst thing. Sosia: Babies... this can be cute. Lily: And one day he will be the best uncle in the world. Because it Barney, he is part of our family. (Lily and Marshall and Barney start getting ready to put things...) Woman: Excuse me. I heard you come from Estonia. So do I. Barney: Excuse me a moment. Estonia Baltic countries would complete! Woman: And I'm like you clown. (She takes the sword from the hands of Barney and puts it in his mouth. It appears the Barney and faints.) (Robin arrives in tears at Ted's apartment.) Robin: Say yes to that. Ted: Yes. Robin: I can re-move? (Ted takes her in his arms. They sit on the couch) Is I'm the biggest idiot in the world? Ted: Think of all of us, five years ago, when we met you.Marshall and Lily were friends as little. Today they are married and think about the children. And Barney? He would never get involved with anyone. And last year, he fell in love. And me? I was chasing a girl, convinced she was right. Today it is one of my best friends. And you? 5 years ago, you would never put love before your career, but now you did it. Robin: Seems like I become more and more stupid. Ted: Just more courageous. We all looked for the 5 lookalikes.But eventually, over time, we all become our own doubles.These completely different people who look exactly like us. The "Robin, there was 5 years"? This girl was pretty cool. Robin lookalike? She's great. (They are close) We drank a lot. Robin: I do not care. (They are about to kiss when Robin laughs.) Ted: What? I forgot, I'm blond. I have blonde hair. Ted (2030): And here's how my hair bleached prevented us from doing anything that would have regretted. Children, the world is fun. 4 months later... Lily meets a dead ringer for Barney merchant.Lily enters MacLaren's where she met Barney, Ted, Marshall and Robin. Lily: Yes! You're there! This is fantastic! Barney: Calm down. Your husband is here. Trying to hide it, at least. Lily: The friends, follow me! (They leave) Look! The fifth double. Barney: This guy looks like me... Marshall: Guys... Play the game Ted (2030): Children, you can ask the universe all the signs of the world... Marshall: It's amazing. Lily: Is not it? Robin: It looks like Barney. Ted: Amazing. Barney: It's like looking in a mirror. Ted (2030): But ultimately, we see only what we want to see, when you're ready to see it. Marshall: Does that mean...? Lily: Marshall Eriksen... put a baby in my belly. (They kiss.)
Plan: A: Marshall; Q: Who and Lily make a secret pact to start trying to have a baby if they ever see Barney's doppelganger? A: Robin; Q: Who finally gets an offer for her dream job? Summary: Marshall and Lily make a secret pact to start trying to have a baby if they ever finally see Barney's doppelganger. Meanwhile, Robin finally gets an offer for her dream job.
HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDORS - MORNING A student walks with a gelled beverage. All pupils's away on its passage from fear to receive it in the face. Mercedes : My weave! Rachel, fear, deep breath but it does not take him in, his face. On the contrary, Finn who receives it. Finn, at first surprised and then angry and threw himself on his pupil. Finn : (Screaming) What the hell, Karofsky? Karofsky : Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade... when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lee's and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball... and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? It's open season. Finn pushes while Quinn, furious, addresses him. Quinn : Screw you, Karofsky! You and your Neanderthal puck-heads are nothing! Finn throwing him against the lockers. Finn : You're gonna pay for this, dude! Karofsky pushing it. Karofsky : No, I'm not. You two don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order. (laughing) Karofsky goes under the eyes off of Quinn and Finn. HIGH SCHOOL - HALL OF REST - MIDI Ringtone - Will lunching quietly when Emma and Ken approaches his table and sit. Will : Hey, guys. Ken : We need to talk. Will : Okay. Ken : As you know, even though she refuses to wear the ring and won't tell anyone... including her mother... about the engagement, Emma and I are, in fact, getting married. Emma : Yes. Ken convinced me we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified. Ken : What can I say? I'm a traditionalist. We're going to Hawaii and getting married on the beach. Will : And you want me to come? Emma : No, no, no, no. I picked Hawaii, because it's far away from everybody we know. Will : Oh!.... Emma : Uh, the thing is... is that after a very brief, private ceremony... Ken has decided he would like to have a first dance. Ken : The problem is, we can't decide on the song. Emma : Yes. I would like to have "I Could've Danced All Night." Will : Oh, from « My Fair Lady. » Great choice. Such a romantic song. Emma, happy, smiles in front of Ken annoyed. Emma : Yes. Ken : Yeah, if you're making a mixed tape for the boring parade. I want the "Thong Song." Will and Emma are disappointed. Ken : ....I need something I can shake my moneymaker to. Will : Um... Emma : Uh, I was remembering, um, that you did those, uh... mash-up things with the Glee kids, right? Will : Uh-huh. Emma : So I thought maybe you could find a way to use both of our songs. Will : Um!... Emma : Um, and I... well, we... both need... want... need dance lessons. Ken : Yeah, l...l... I mean, I might need a bit of polishing... but it's the Emster here you really have to work with. Had a monster case of athlete's foot a couple years back. Had to get all my toenails removed. So if she steps on my feet during the dance, I might pass out. Will, who was preparing to eat her cookie, based on disgust. Emma : We would, uh, be very happy to pay you for your time, Will. Ken : Hein? Will : No. No, I want to give you these lessons as a wedding gift. Ken, happy smiles. Will : Sound good? Hmm! Emma : Great. All three were smiling to each other. HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON Quinn wiping Finn's hair under the envious eyes of Rachel in the distance. Quinn : This is a disaster. Our reputation as McKinley High's "it" couple is in serious jeopardy... if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn. For his part, Kurt is for Mercedes. Kurt : The Slushee war has commenced. Mercedes : And if Finn and Quinn got nailed, none of us are safe. Will, joyful, enters the classroom. Will : Okay, guys. We're a little behind for sectionals... thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour. But you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? All members will sit down but not responding. Will : And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great. Like... chocolate and bacon. Finn : Or Glee Club and football. Will : Exactly. But you've proven that it isa great combination. So... (Smiling and distributing sheet music)here is... my personal favorite song. here is... my personal favorite song. And your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it. Kurt : « Bust a move ».. Santana : Yeah, this song is old school. Will : All right. Um, Artie. Artie : Yeah? Will : Try to follow along on the bass. Artie : Yes. Yes. Artie moving to the instruments. Will : Finn, take us through it. Finn : Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye. Will : Okay. Uh, Puck. How about it? Puck : I don't really groove on Young MC. Rachel : I am shocked at the lack of leading-man ambition in this room right now. Will : It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done. (off his shirt.) Bust it! Will and the Cast - Song : Bust a Move Will performing the song in its own way under the eyes of students playful. GENERIC HIGH SCHOOL - OFFICE OF EMMA - MORNING Ringtone - Emma, sitting face Quinn and Finn discussing their problem. Emma : So, how can I, uh... how can I help you kids? Is it, uh, too many friends on MySpace, or... Quinn : I can't believe we're saying this... but we need some advice on how to be cool. Finn : Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas... about what cool people do from watching them over the years. Not that you were never cool yourself. Emma : (Embarrassed) Yeah... Eh... Well... Um... But, um, you're two of... the most popular kids in school. Quinn : (Furious) We were... until we joined Glee Club. That's why he got a Slushee facial. I'm sure of it. Emma: Okay. I see. Um, don't really have any... pamphlets on how to be popular. Uh, okay, right. Well, let's talk about this. Why is it so important for you to be cool? Huh? Don't you like being in Glee? It's fun. Quinn : Status is like currency. When your bank account is full... you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're like toxic assets. (Suddenly, Will, in the distance, and welcomes Emma dance for fun.) When my mom applied to college... she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity. And she got into Arizona State. Emma : Sunglasses are so sexy. (FixingWill.) Quinn and Finn are surprised. Emma : ...Sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses are, um, really, really cool. I'm always seeing celebrities wear them... in magazines, even at night. Doesn't need to be day. Very popular. Gives you a sense of mystery. You know... rappers. Finn : (Smiling) Totally. You can't see their eyes, so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs, and you'd have no idea. Quinn is outraged. Quinn : Oh!... Quinn gave him a nudge. Emma : It... Em... (Presenting a button on her blouse, uncomfortable) No. Um, no. Kids, look. The most important thing is that you be yourselves. Okay? And if people don't like you for that, then I'm sorry, but who needs 'em. Quinn and Finn are disappointed. SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - NIGHT Ringtone - Will move the tables to allow room for a dance rehearsal. While Emma, meanwhile, came dressed as bride. Emma : Hi. Will is stunned face at the entrance. Will : Hi. Hmm. Emma smiling while Will approaching it. Emma : This is my Cousin Betty's. We were obsessed with Princess Di's dress when we were little girls... so, um, when she got married she insisted on having... this, uh... this long train. Will : Is there a reason you... have it on now? Emma : Yes, yes. Will : Okay. Emma : Yeah. They both laughed. Emma : Um, she didn't wear it to her dance rehearsals... and the night of the wedding her husband kept stepping on the train. It was really bad. Their fight was epic. Will : Oh! ... (Relieved) Emma : The priest cried. They were divorced three months later. Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it. Will : No, no, no, no, no! It's all good. It's all good. We'll, uh... We'll see how you move in it. Right? Emma : Okay. Will give away for trolling and prepare the song. Will : Okay. Um, so first, uh, let's do Ken's selection... and then, uh, we'll work in your song for the big finish. Emma : Okay. Will : All right? Hey, Emma... I'm really excited about this. Emma : Fantastic. It's... so, so exciting. Will starting the song. Will - Song : Thong Song Will dancing before Emma. Both very happy to dance, suddenly, Will slips and falls on the train causing Emma. Emma : Oh!.. Will : Good God!(Laughing) Emma : Are you okay? Will : I'm okay. Are you? Both binding. Suddenly, they feel embarrassed. Emma : It's the darn "Thong Song." Will : ...I don't think it's the song. I think you need a new dress. In the distance, observes Ken furious. While Will help Emma to recover. Will : Come on. I'll pick you up. Right. Upsy-daisy. Emma : Oh, I'm stuck. HIGH SCHOOL - FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON Players practicing. Then all uniting against the captain. Finn : All right. Let's try, uh, reverse chair on two. Azimio : Let's not. Finn : Hey, Azimio, I'm the quarterback. I call the plays. Azimio : Some of the guys was talkin' , and we're starting to question your leadership ability. Slushificateur : Yeah, like maybe you're having trouble making good choices... as in, for instance, choosing to join homo explosion. Finn : Do I need to remind you that Glee Club helped us win our first game of the season? Azimio : What have you done for me lately? Slushificateur : Yeah, we're taking a bunch of heat, because you like kissing dudes all of a sudden. You're not being a team player, man. Azimio : Can't believe you was man enough to knock up Quinn Fabray. You sure a real man didn't sneak in there and do it for you? Finn : That's it! Finn jumping Azimio neck while the coach's whistle. Players : Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! Ken : (Screaming) Okay, break it up! Ken intervenes as players always exclaim. Ken : Get up! Man, get off me! Players : Oh!... Ken : Hey, calm down, everybody! On the sidelines and take a knee! (Screaming) Now! All players stand in line. Ken : What if you had broken Finn's arm, huh? We'd be worse off and more pathetic than we already are. Where's Puckerman? Finn : Uh, he said he had to miss practice today. He's working on something for Glee Club. Azimio : Is he workin' on his coming-out-of-the-closet speech or somethin' ? Finn flanked him a slap in the eyes of Ken excited. Azimio : Hey, man! Don't push me, man! Ken : (Screaming) Okay, enough! Football is war. And no one single man can win that war, not even if they strap nukes on him. I want you to start acting like a team again! When we won that one game, it wasn't because we were dancing. It's because we were of singular purpose. I want you to start hanging more, spend more time together. Which is why, starting next week... I'm adding extra practice on Thursdays at 3:30. Finn : But, Coach, that's when Glee rehearses. Ken : (Yelling and approaching Finn) You know what? I have had it up to here with Schuester and Glee. Here's the story, Quarterback. (Bending) And you tell Puckerman this when you see him. That practice is mandatory. No exceptions. So you're going to have to choose what's more important to you... football or Glee Club. Finn is completely stunned. RACHEL'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON - BEDROOM Rachel - Song : What a girl want Rachel repeating before the glass accompanied by Puck. Thought Puck : « I know this looks weird. But wait until you see what happens next.» Puck : My ears are starting to hurt. Can we take a break? Rachel turned and fixed and approaches him. Rachel : Okay. Puck : You wanna make out? Rachel : Sure. Thought Puck : « I know. It's whack. » Puck and Rachel kissing passionately on the bed. Thought Puck : « But I also remember what my history teacher told us last semester: Only Nixon can go to China. I have no idea what she meant, » [Flash Back] PUCK HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING Puck and his family settled in front of the TV. Thought Puck : « but it reminded me of when my family ordered Chinese food... and sat down together for our traditional... Simchas Torah screening of Schindler's List. That's really when all of this started. It wasn't the most normal tradition...but we did it for my mom. She said it made her feel connected to her Jewish roots.» Suddenly, on TV, there is a loud noise and the little sister of Puck goes screaming. Thought Puck : « As she was giving me my sweet-and-sour pork... she said something that really hit home.» Miss Puckerman : You're no better than them, Noah. Why can't you date a Jewish girl? BEDROOM OF PUCK - NIGHT Puck sleeping and dreaming. Thought Puck : «That night, I had the strangest dream. I knew it was a dream, because there's no way Rachel could've climbed up the wall... outside my window with no shoes on. » Puck sat down and saw Rachel in her dream, dressed in a nightgown, advancing toward him with a look enticing. Suddenly, he wakes up. Thought Puck : « When I woke up, I knew it was more than a dream. It was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.» HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - MORNING Ringtone - Puck walking with a gelled beverage. Suddenly he stops in front of Rachel, frightened. He did not spill, she is surprised. Puck : I picked it up for you when I was buying dip. It's grape. I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face... you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off. Rachel, stunned, takes the glass. Puck : Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to work together on some mash-up ideas. [Back to reality] Puck and Rachel still full cuddles in her room. Thought Puck : « Things happened pretty fast from that point. Getting her to make out with me was easier than I thought. Guess she's kind of desperate.» Rachel, as they kiss, imagine it's Finn. Finn/Puck : You okay, baby? Rachel gets up quickly. Rachel : I can't do this. Puck : Why? We're a couple of good-lookin' Jews. It's natural. Rachel : I...I can't give myself to someone who isn't... brave enough to sing a solo. If you don't have the guts to do that, then how are you gonna be bold enough to deal... with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high-maintenance girl like me? Puck : Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns? (Pointing to his muscles) Rachel : Noah, I'm sorry, but... Your arms are lovely, but... I just don't see us working out. Puck is stunned. HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON Will enters the room while students are distracted and happy. Will : So... any ideas for the mash-up? All students calm down and remain silent. Cast : Hum! Hum!.... Will : Anybody? Cast : No. Will : Oh, come on, guys! It's like you're daring me to start dancing. Cast : Oh! No. Puck : I've been working on something. Will : Oh, yeah? Puck : It's my personal tribute to a musical Jewish icon.(Fixing Rachel) Will : Uh, fantastic. Let's hear it. Will settling in the stands with other members. Puck - Song : Sweet Caroline Puck, with his guitar, singing a solo in front of others and to Rachel, who is surprised and happy. In the end, all members applaud. Cast : Puckerman! ...Yeah! HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - MORNING Ringtone - Finn and Quinn strolling with sunglasses, happy. Finn : Huh! You know, I really think this is working. I think we look super cool. Quinn : I'm proud of you, Finn. I'm proud of us. Finn : ..Yeah. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular. It just means you want people to like you. I think that's healthy. Quinn : I totally agree. Finn : Being popular just means you can have it all. Several football players bar the road with a glass of jelly drink. Finn is not worried. Finn : Oh, hey, guys. Azimio : You thirsty? Finn : Sure. Thanks. All players swing their glasses in their face. Finn is furious. Finn : (Screaming) You can't do this! Azimio : Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday... and quit that little Glee Club for good! Bros before hi-hos, dude. Don't forget that. All players go leaving Quinn and Finn shocked. JOURNAL OF PLATEAU TELE - EVENING Sue on television for her show. Sue (TV) : «I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage." Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So "woof" on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue sees it. Oh, Rod. » Rod (TV) : «Boffo, Sue. And we'll be right back after this. » The newspaper takes a break. Rod gets up and joins Sue. Sue : You still smell like scotch, Rod. Rod : You know, Sue, there's a lot of pressure being a local celebrity. Most women find me intimidating. The teeth, the hair... It's a lot to take in, and I know it. I need a gal with a little backbone. And I think you just might be that gal. Sue is surprised and flattered. Sue : Don't you have a wife, Rod? Rod looks sad. Rod : She drowned. So now I've got the condo all to myself. Maybe we could go out sometime, have a little fondue. Sue : (Surpised) Sure. Okay. Bread, cheese... Oh, fantastic. Rod : I'll call you. Rod smiling, goes in front of Sue bewildered and happy. HIGH SCHOOL - REPEAT ROOM - AFTERNOON Will helping Sue showing her walking in a fast pace. After the song, both giggling like kids. Will : Sue... Whoo! Will typing in Sue's hand. Will : ...That was amazing. Oh! You know, I have to admit...(Will bringing water to Sue.) At first when you suggestif that I teach you a few steps... I was hesitant. You know, 'cause how horrible you were to me and the Glee kids... when Figgins made you co director. Sue : Well, live and let learn, my friend. Will : That is ultimately what I got to. It's nice not being at each other's throats. Sue : You know, you're right. I...Oh, gosh. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm in love. Will : Really? Sue : After one date, Sue Sylvester is in love. [Flash Back] SUE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING Sue and Rod playing swallow the battle by launching looks languid. Rod : E9 Sue : You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard. Rod : You know, Sue, I like to swing. Sue : I could be good with that. [Back to reality] Sue smiling face that Will is himself surprised. Sue : Rod has invited me to the Second Annual Allen County Sickle-cell Anemia Dance-a-thon. (They both sat down.) And with your tutelage, Will... we can take home that blue ribbon like two prize heifers in love. They both laughed. Will : I was wondering why you asked for dance lessons. Sue : Oh, well, Erma just raved about you. Will : Sue, I'm... I'm actually touched. I mean, you seem so happy and... nice. And you've been so cool with Quinn Fabray and her, you know, situation. Sue : Mmm, yeah, well, she's just a confused kid... and the least I can offer her is my compassion. But, you, mister... Will : Aw... Sue : ...The Sue Sylvester who has been obsessed... with sabotaging your every move is now just a distant memory. Will : (putting his arm on the shoulder.) That's great, Sue. Sue : Now all I feel for you is sympathy. Whether it be for your sham of a marriage... or the fact that Coach Tanaka's finally laying down the law (Rising) with regard to Glee Club. Will : Wait. What? Sue : Yeah. Tanaka-san's making the kids choose. Come on. Let's be honest. What kid's gonna choose Glee Club over football? It'd be ridiculous. Sue goes away leaving Will collapsed. HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKER THE BOYS - AFTERNOON Will popup in front of Ken, furious. Will : Hey, Ken, you wanna tell me what the hell's goin' on? You know I had a standing Glee rehearsal on Thursday. We sat down and worked out a Schedule when some of your guys joined the club. Ken : Circumstances have changed. I have a serious morale issue with my team. It's my responsibility to fix it. Sorry if me doing my job interferes with your club. Will : Ken, we've known each other for years. Your commitment to football is about as long as your pants. You know, let's get into what this is really about. You're upset that I don't like your song for your wedding mash-up. And you're right. It's not my place to have an opinion. Ken, sorry, getting closer to him. Ken : Why don't you just cut the crap, Will? You're not that naive. This is not about a song. It's about my fiancée. You and I, the whole world, know that I'm just a consolation prize to you. How do you think that makes me feel? Will : Emma's totally into you. Ken : Emma is settling for me. And I love her so much, I don't care. But it doesn't mean I appreciate you comin' in with your Gene Kelly charm... and gettin' high off of her fawning over you. Will : (Uncomfortable) I...I have never intentionally encouraged Emma..... Both silent about the situation. Will : ....(Sighing) But I haven't discouraged her either. You don't have to worry about it anymore though. So, are we cool? And I'll have my guys on Thursday again? 3:30? Ken : So you keep your rehearsal. I'll keep my practice. We'll let the kids decide who's first choice... and who's a consolation prize. Ken goes away leaving Will disoriented. HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - MORNING Puck and Rachel together, talking. Rachel : ..making Tommy Tune the first to win Tony gold in four categories. Puck bored to death. Puck : Totally interesting. You know, you never told me what you thought of my mash-up solo. Rachel : You're still missing the elusive high "B." That's a brass ring for a baritenor. I had to work on it for weeks with Finn before he got it. You're a great performer, Noah. I just wanna say how proud I am to have you on my arm in front of the whole high school. Both were smiling to each other. Suddenly, a student threw a drink on gelled Puck. Puck : Oh!... Rachel is devastated for him. Puck : ..Super! HIGH SCHOOL - TOILET - MORNING Rachel's face cleanser Puck. Puck : You're pretty good at this. Rachel : I've had a lot of practice. You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn. Your head is shaved. Puck : I'm really sorry I ever did this to you. Rachel sitting on the knees. Rachel : It's okay. Puck : No, it isn't. No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes... or the way the Slushee drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Rachel... I'm sorry, but today when the clock chimes 3:30... Rachel : You're choosing football over Glee, which means we probably can't be together anymore. Puck : Yes. Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew. Rachel kiss on the forehead and went away. WEDDING SHOP - AFTERNOON Will fate waiting for Emma with her new dress. Will : Are you ready yet? We've only got an hour for lunch, Emma. Emma : It's not like trying on a pair of jeans, Will. Will : Well, it doesn't have to be perfect. We just have to see if you can dance in it. Emma showing him the results, ile st completely dazzled by her beauty. Emma : Fits okay? Will : Yeah. Fits great. Emma : Terrific. Emma ranging admire in the mirror followed by Will. Will : Yeah, terrific. Uh, so, should we see if you can dance in it? Emma approves. Will : Okay. Will prepare the music. Will : This is the instrumental version of your wedding song. You can sing along if you want to. It'll help your footwork. Emma - Song : I could have danced all night Will inviting Emma to dance. Both dancing in perfect harmony on this song. Will : Yeah, you can dance in it. Will rising sharply. Will : So, I gotta get goin' . Um... Emma : Hum! Will : Got the big showdown today at 3:30. and, uh... I wanna make sure I'm there to support the kids, no matter what happens.(Clearing his throat.) Emma : Wait, what showdown? I thought... I thought you and Sue had that last week. Will : Eh... Between me and your fiancé. Uh, Ken's told all the football players in Glee... that they have to choose between the club and the team. And unless all the guys choose Glee... it looks like we won't have enough members for sectionals. Emma : Then Glee is over. Will : I know. Well, wish me luck. Will goes. [SCENE_BREAK] HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON All students gathered in front of the clock waiting for football players. Will joins them. Will : Hey, guys. Suddenly, 15:30 ringing and nobody does. Everyone is disappointed. Will : ....I guess they're not coming. I'm really sorry, guys. Mercedes : I can't believe this. I thought they were our friends. How can they just abandon us? Suddenly, Matt and Mike enter the room, students are pleased with Santana and Brittany who rush into their arms. Cast : Oh!... Santana : Hi. I'm glad you made it. Mike : Hi. Will : You scared me. Suddenly, Puck's turn as the happy eyes of Rachel, who rushed toward him. Rachel : Good to see you, huh? Are you... sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a Slushee in your face every day. Puck : (Smiling ) Bing it. Will : Where's Finn? Rachel rushes into his arms. HIGH SCHOOL - FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON Finn, meanwhile, joined the football team who salutes. Players : Hey, fella....You made the right decision. Finn : Hey, man...What's up, dude? Players : Okay, let's huddle up. Ken, upset, whistles the team because he did one day. HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDORS - MORNING Finn walking around with gelled water crossing students Glee Club, he cons passes by, he stops before Kurt and Rachel. Kurt : Do it. Finn : I really don't want to, honestly. I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face. Kurt : But you've been getting so much pressure from the gorillas on the football team. The other members of the Glee join. Kurt : ...I guess they didn't appreciate me resigning from the team and choosing Glee. Finn : Probably would have went over better if you didn't announce it in the showers. Mercedes : You are not gonna Slushee on my man Kurt. Finn turns to her. Rachel : Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. Finn fixing saddened. Rachel : ...He doesn't care about us losers anymore. Finn : No, that's not true. It's just that if I don't do it... the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me. Kurt : Well, we can't have that, can we? Kurt getting the cup from the hands of Finn. Finn : What are you doin' ? Kurt : It's called taking one for the team. Kurt threw the cup at the figure, Rachel recedes. Kurt : Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not... any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you. Finn, shocked, goes. Kurt : (Furious) Someone get me to a day-spa stat! Rachel and the others in leading the girls' bathroom to wash. BOARD OF TELEVISION - EVENING Sue, happy, costume, from joining Rod. Suddenly, she discovers middle of making love with Andrea on the set. Andrea : Ooh, hey, hey, hey. Both, embarrassed, separate. Rod : Oh. Sue. Sue : Rod...Andrea. Rod : Uh, you aren't scheduled to tape another "Sue's Corner" until... tomorrow night. Sue : I came by special to show you my zoot suit. I had it made for our dance competition. Rod : But, uh, only the men wear those. Sue : Further embarrassed. Andrea : You're taking her? Rod : Not now, Andrea. Andrea : He took me last year. We came in third. Rod : You didn't think that... we were... exclusive, did you? Sue : It's the only way I do it, Rod. Rod : I can't be caged in, Sue. That's why I got my tiger tattoo. Heck, even my wife understood that. Sue leaves, upset and unhappy. Rod : Are we still on for Saturday night? Sue : No. Sue away furious. HIGH SCHOOL - FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON Players practicing on the field. Players : Hut! While Puck is watching from the stands. Suddenly, Rachel joined him. Rachel : You miss it? Puck : Hell, no. Set, hut! Rachel sat down next to him. Rachel : I hope you didn't choose Glee over football because of me. Puck : Why? Rachel : Because I don't think this relationship is gonna work out. Puck : Zzz ...(Sighing) It's cool. I was gonna break up with you anyway. Rachel : No, you weren't. Puck : Yes, I was. You won't even let me touch your boobs. It's Finn, right? Rachel Finn laying off. Puck : ....He's never gonna leave Quinn. Not with that baby in her belly. Rachel : You like her, don't you? I can see you staring at her when I'm staring at Finn. Is that why you joined Glee? To be closer to her? Puck : Like I said, they're never breaking up. God, what's the matter with me? I'm a stud, and I can't even hold on to a chick like you? No offense. Why don't girls like me? Rachel : (Annoyed) Because you're kind of a jerk. No offense. I just think you want it too much... which is something I can relate to.... (Fixing Finn) I want everything too much. Our relationship was built on a fantasy. Like every other one in my life. I think I just agreed to us being together because I thought it would make Finn jealous. (stroked him the shoulder) I just hope we can still be friends. Puck : We weren't friends before. Puck, enraged, leaves. While on the other hand, is interrupted by Will Finn. Will : Hey, Finn, wanna have a catch? Finn : Sure. Will : Go long. Both playing and talking. Finn : I'm not comin' back. Will : These are the moments, Finn. They're the crossroads. They're the ones you look back at when you get old and think "what if?" Finn : I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life... unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or somethin' . Will : No. You're right. Life's a series of choices. Big combination of moments... little ones that add up to big ones... that create who you are. You're lettin' other people make those choices for you, Finn. You're letting them decide who you're gonna be.... (approaching him) People you're not even gonna know in three years. People whose names you're gonna forget... when you run into them in the hardware store. Finn : You don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under. Will : Yes, I do. Because of all the students I've ever had, you remind me the most of me. Come back to Glee, Finn. It's where you belong. Will giving it the ball and giving him a pat. Then he goes away leaving Finn perplexed. HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS FOR BOYS - AFTERNOON Ken sat ness through these whistles when Finn arises. Finn : Hey, Coach. Can I talk to you about somethin' ? Ken : You got an itch down there or somethin' ? Finn : What? No. Uh... I'm the quarterback, right? The leader. Ken : Sure. Finn : Well, all this stuff about having to choose between Glee and football... is making it hard for me to lead. Leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't. Right? Like they can imagine a future where things are better. Like Thomas Jefferson or that kid from the Terminator movies.(Sitting down face to Ken) I see a future where it's cool to be in Glee Club. Where you can play football and sing and dance and no one gets down on you for it. Where the more different you are the better. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is... I don't wanna have to choose between them anymore. It's not cool. Ken getting up and going to the table. Ken : Hey, about that Thursday practice. It's, uh, canceled indefinitely. I got... stuff I gotta do that time. Laundry, things like that. Finn : (Rising and smiling) Oh. Sweet. Ken : Finn. Finn turning. Ken : Tell Puckerman and the other guys too, will you? Finn : Sure. Thanks, Coach. Finn went away. HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDORS - MORNING Will drinking the lavatory when Sue was furious, the docks. Sue : Schuester! Will : Yeah. Sue : I'll need to see that set list for sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5:00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night I will steal a way into your home... and punch you in the face. Sue goes away leaving Will in surprise. Will : Hey, Sue. Sue return. Sue : What? Will : Didn't work out with Rod? Sue : No, it did not. Will is disappointed. For his part, Sue crosses Quinn and stops. Sue : Q. take off those sunglasses. I wanna look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business. Quinn removing them. Sue : .. You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace. Sue goes left Quinn devastated and in tears. HIGH SCHOOL - OFFICE OF EMMA - MORNING Will striking and entering his office. Will : Hey. Emma : Hey. Will approaching his office. Will : I wanted to talk to you about your wedding mash-up. I've been workin' really hard on it and... I just can't get those two songs to go together. Emma : Yeah. That's because they don't. We both know that. Will : Zzz..(Sighing) Emma : They're both good songs though. Will : Great ones. Will away went. Emma : Will, um, I just wanted to say, uh... Thank you... for the dance lessons. Will goes leaving Emma disoriented. HIGH SCHOOL - ROOM REPEAT - AFTERNOON Finn providing water gelled with each member of the Glee Club. Finn : So, what do you think about my welcome back gift to the club, huh, guys? Will : Thanks for the Slushees, Finn. Rachel : They're delicious. Kurt : And loaded with empty calories. You know why they call them Slushees? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them. Finn : I'd like to propose a toast. To Mr. Schue. You were right about Glee Club and football bein' a killer combination. All toast. Artie : Mr. Schue, I am sorry to report... that we've all been remiss about completing our assignment this week. Mercedes : Yeah, none of us could find a good groove for "Bust a Move." All laughing. Artie : And I personally feel like a failure. Will : Well, that's okay, guys. Because I feel like the lesson landed. And that's what's important. And we are glad to have you back, Finn. Will saluting while Quinn is head of a funeral. Will : You okay, Quinn? Quinn : Do I look okay? I'm devastated. Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a Slushee facial. Will : That's okay if that happens, Quinn, because there are 11 of your friends right here... who are gonna be more than happy to help clean you off. Cast : Yeah. Whoo! Mercedes : That's right, girl. Suddenly, Will has a headache. Will : Mmm, brain freeze. I can't imagine gettin' hit in the kisser with one of these. All the cast looks mischievously. Artie : You've never been hit by a Slushee before, Mr. Schue? Will : Um...All right, guys. Cast : Um! Will : We're a team. Cast : Um! Will : Bring it on. Gimme your best shot. Rachel : Um! Um ! Will the victim is ready. Rachel : One, two, three. All the cast sends their glasses in Fig. It is covered with water gelled. Will : Oh. All right. From the top. Cast : Yeah...Yeah!... All the cast, happy, salute as he smiled at them .. Write by Elena172
Plan: A: Will; Q: Who attempts to create a mash-up wedding song for Emma and Ken? A: Ken; Q: Who is jealous of Emma's feelings for Will? A: ultimately relents; Q: What happens to Ken when he tries to force the football-playing New Directions members to quit the glee club? A: Quinn; Q: What other student is not popular? A: Rachel and Puck date; Q: What two characters briefly date? A: local news anchor Rod Remington; Q: Who does Sue have a brief romance with? Summary: Will attempts to create a mash-up wedding song for Emma and Ken. Ken becomes increasingly jealous of Emma's feelings for Will and tries to force the football-playing New Directions members to quit the glee club, but ultimately relents. Finn and Quinn find that they are no longer considered popular by the rest of the student body. Rachel and Puck date briefly, but break up as they have feelings for Finn and Quinn respectively. Sue has a brief romance with local news anchor Rod Remington and temporarily makes amends with Will, until she discovers that Rod is cheating on her.
"The Man in the SUV" [SCENE_BREAK] [Open with an elaborate sign stating Arab-American Friendship League...Established in 1971. As the camera moves to doors behind this sign, a man comes out of the building wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. This gentleman, who has blisters all over his face, and is looking quite upset, gets into his Jeep , revs the engine a few times, then takes off squealing his tires. A cell phone rings and when he checks the display, it reads Sahar. He yells into the phone agitated ending the call abruptly while he continues to drive recklessly. As the phone starts to ring again, he slows to a stop outside a café and all of a sudden, the Jeep blows up. Cut to same place later in the day] Booth: Bones! Bones! Over here. Brennan: Where have you been? You said you would meet us on the corner. Booth: There is a lot going on here in case you haven't noticed. [To security guard] These girls they're with me Dr. Temperance Brennan and Angela Montenegro from the Jeffersonian. Security Guard: I need ID. Booth: Okay, check the RI5 list, homeland security. She's the forensic anthropologist. Security Guard: They're clear. Booth: Thanks. C'mon. Angela: God, What's that smell? Brennan: Burnt flesh. Are there a lot of injuries? Booth: Four known dead. Fifteen injured. Angela: [Looking ill at the bodies laid under tarps] Oh my God. Brennan: Details, whatever you have. Booth: Not much. Witnesses said they saw a Middle Eastern man mid thirties pull up to the café and the car just blew. The vehicle is registered to a Hamid Masruk, head of the American-Arab friendship league. Brennan: {Stepping up to the burnt out Jeep] If you know who it is, why do you need me? Agent Gibson: Because we're hoping we're wrong. Masruk is a White House consultant for Arab relations. Had lunch with the President just last week. Booth: Remember Agent Gibson, Homeland Security. [Pointing to Brennan] Dr. Temperance Brennan. [Pointing to Angela] Angela Montenegro. If Masruk was involved in a terrorist attack it means we have a huge national security problem. Agent Gibson: Not to mention a very humiliated president. The press is already running with this. Brennan: If you think I'm going to alter my findings... Gibson: Look, not at all but maybe it's not Masruk. We need to be sure. Booth says you're the best. Brennan: [To Booth] I need surgical gloves and masks for the retrieval team. Sterile medical bags and vegetable oil. Booth: Vegetable oil? Brennan: The oil will loosen the seared body parts stuck to the metal. It's no different then steak on a grill that sticks. Booth: It's okay, I trust you. Zach: [Joining the group with Brennan's requested items] Should I photograph the scene? Brennan: Focus on a 30 meter radius from the blast. Brennan: [To Booth] Okay to pick up? Booth: [To Brennan] You know, it's okay to be upset. Brennan: I wish this is the worst thing I'd seen. Angela: [Handing the red retrieval bag to Booth] You know...uh... I don't think I can...Sorry. Brennan: [To Booth] Well, if you can't either... Booth: No, I'm cool. Brennan: Zach, I need two more evidence bags. [Cut to Medico Legal Lab at the Jeffersonian] Brennan: Facial epidermis and the fingertips are completely decimated. We're not going to be able to ID anything from the flesh. It's basically carbon. Zach: We are missing the lower left leg and the lumbar spine. Brennan: Here's the C2 and the right ischium. Zach: Smokey here had access to the President. Why would he attack a café? Brennan: Smokey? Zach: It's how I deal with the stress. Hodgins: Targeting everyday places causes panic. People stay home. The economy is crippled. It's Terrorism 101, man. Brennan: Take samples from the clothes. See whatever you can find. Traces of cologne, laundry detergent, anything that we can link to Masruk's home. Hodgins: I will grab any particulates that I can identify the type of bomb. Zach: Isn't that the FBI's job? Hodgins: What you trust the FBI? You realize those guys are going to suppress whatever they need to cover their asses. Zach: I found a portion of the clavicle. Hodgins: Are you even listening? Zach: No. Hodgins: They have a separate division you know that way their hands are always clean. In 1970... Brennan: [To Hodgins] Jack! We're trying to work. [Booth comes walking up the stairs to the center platform behind Hodgins. Hodgins doesn't notice he is coming.] Hodgins: Someone seems really defensive about the FBI lately. You realize Booth is just another Government stooge. Brennan: This has nothing to do with Booth. Booth: You know I don't enjoy having squints on my team anymore then you like me on yours but you know we're supposed to be working together. Okay? Hodgins: [Turning to face Booth] Sure. So what do we do, group hug? Booth: Agent Gibson here will be over seeing things for Homeland Security. Gibson: I'll try not to be in the way. Brennan: No, uhhh ...we don't need to be overseen. Booth: That's really not your call Bones. Okay how soon can we get the DNA match? Brennan: That'll take days. I can get a match much sooner then that I have all we need. Gibson: You're going to be able to ID him from that? Zach: Asking stuff like that is in the way. Brennan: [Walking away leaving Booth to follow] Remove any flesh and particulates you can and then macerate him. [To Gibson] If that's alright with you? Hodgins: [To Gibson who is leaning on the exam table] Don't touch the table. Don't touch the table. [Cut to Booth and Brennan walking to her office] Brennan: This is my lab. I'm a scientist. A doctor. Booth: Yeah, so I've heard. Brennan: Look, would you be able to do your job if someone is looking over your shoulder all the time. Booth: You do, okay I've developed a tolerance. Brennan: I'm sorry but I don't understand the advantage of compromise. Booth: It's a terrorist attack Brennan. It's bigger then you and It's bigger then me. Brennan: The job is the same. Booth: No, it's not! We're dealing with someone here who devalues an entire culture. Terrorizing people by using God to justify mass murder. Brennan: You're making it personal. That doesn't help. Booth: It is personal Brennan. All of us die a little bit on one like this. [Cut to the lab] Zach: All the trace evidence has been stripped. Hodgins scavenged as much as he could. Brennan: Okay, let's get started. Booth: [Referring to the jars of bugs Zach dumps on the bodies] What the hell are those? Zach: Dermestes Maculatus. Brennan: Flesh eating beetles. That's how we clean the flesh off of burn victims. Gibson: [Phone rings] Gibson. Yes sir. Yes sir. [To Brennan] The President wants to know how long the ID is going to take. [Referring to the beetles] Why don't you ask them? [Intro Rolls] [Cut to Interrogation Room with the victim's wife and brother] Mrs. Masruk: You've made a mistake. It can't be my husband. Mr. Masruk: My brother was no terrorist. He hated those people. You can read his speeches. Talk to anyone. Booth: We're not making any accusations. Mr. Masruk: It's all over the news. It's all anyone is talking about. Booth: We cannot control the press, Mr. Masruk. Mrs. Masruk: How about your men? They've searched our house. They've talked to our friends. Booth: Until we can identify the body we have to conduct a thorough investigation. Mrs. Masruk: So identify the body. The longer you wait... Do you know what it is like for us? Brennan: His body was fragmented by the blast. We're still retrieving pieces. [Booth touches her arm] I understand how difficult this is not knowing. I'll work as quickly as I can to get you what you need. That's why I asked for his history. Where he grew up? Any injuries from his youth? Medical records? Mrs. Masruk: [Handing Brennan an envelope] Of course. I brought you what you asked for. Booth: Thank you. Mrs. Masruk: [Crying] We lived just like you. We came to this country because we love it. We are Americans. It can't be Hamid. It can't. My husband was not a terrorist. [Cut to Lab] Zach: It could be a perchlorate. Would that be used in a bomb? Hodgins: Yeah but this is a crystalline structure, aluminum based. {Gibson leans over top of the computer trying to seen what they are doing. Hodgins is annoyed and tries to pull the computer screen so he can't see it] Brennan: Okay, I'm back. How are we doing? Zach: I have his detergent brand, cologne, shampoo. He died a well-groomed man. Brennan: Thanks. Gibson: Dr. Brennan? Brennan: [Ignoring Gibson and walking away] Are the bones done yet? Zach: Yeah, I will check the beetles. Gibson: [Annoyed] Dr. Brennan, whatever you have there.... Brennan: [Walking to her office] It's a piece of paper that's all, with some writing on it. [Cut to Brennan' office] Angela: [From the doorway] Hard at work? [Noticing all the pictures from the file] There's a shocker. Brennan: I just saw his wife. She gave me his medical records...photographs. Apparently he was ill. They were testing for Lupus which would explain the face. It must have been painful. Angela: Look I ... I know that you needed help out there. At the crime scene and I wanted to but... Brennan: [Sitting on the couch] It's okay. You see it. I don't anymore. I don't know what's worse. Angela: [Joining Brennan] You holding up okay? Brennan: His wife doesn't believe it was him. I've got to give her an ID. Angela: Whatever I can do. Brennan: Yeah, I know. Angela: And about this weekend... Brennan: Angela I don't know. Angela: Oh come on. Brennan: I don't know. Angela: Brennan I know this great club, they play Trip Hop and Trance. Brennan: I don't know what that means. Angela: It doesn't matter. We'll grab Booth. Brennan: No. Angela: I think he likes you. God if I were you, I'd buy a ticket on that ride. Brennan: [Pointing to plastic boxes of bones] Look, I'm going to be very busy this weekend even after the ID, I have these. Angela: Remains from WWI. Brennan: That's what the institution pays me for. I've got hundreds of these waiting. Angela: And they can't wait one more weekend? Brennan: They've got relatives. They've waited long enough. Angela: You know it's not that scary Brennan. You have a few drinks. You move to the music. You might even smile. Zach: [Interrupting] The bones are clean. Brennan: [To Angela] I've gotta run. You hang around. I may need you. [Cut to Lab] Brennan: [Talking into Voice recorder] Comparing remains to details provided of Hamid Masruk, age 37, of Afghani origin. Texture of pubic synthesis indicates age of bone consistent with Masruk, as is height. Zach: [Brennan points voice recorder in his direction] Complexity of the cranial vault sutures matches the statistical probability of your age and decent. Brennan: Good. Angela: Too bad we can't tell why he did it. Isn't what we all really want to know? Brennan: Uneven growth patterns in the vertebrae indicate malnourishment as a child. Zach: Consistent with the diet where Masruk was from. Probably evidence on the calvarium? Brennan: Why don't you reconstruct the skull and check it out? Zach: [Smiling] My first cranial reconstruction. Brennan: Evidence of multiple fractures to the bottoms of the feet consistent with methods of torture used in Afghanistan and consistent with Masruk's history. I'm convinced we have a statistical match. [Turns off recorder] Gibson: So Masruk is the bomber. Brennan: Yes. Gibson: What about the skull? You're having the kid reconstruct it... Brennan: [Grabbing the file} This is an educational institute. He wants to learn. Is that okay with you? For forensic ID, we have all we need. Now I would like to get this data to Booth as soon as I can. Gibson: [Referring to the file] I'll take it. Brennan: No, I don't think so. I work with Booth. That's my deal. Gibson: Dr. Brennan, I have jurisdiction... Brennan: Then why don't I destroy my notes and let you guarantee the identity of the remains. Angela: [To Gibson] It's best to just ride it out, like an earthquake. [Cut to Booths apartment] Booth: [Answers door with shirt unbuttoned] Bones? Brennan: Yeah Booth: Did we have an appointment? Brennan: [Handing over the file] No, uh...it's him. Masruk is the bomber. Booth: I guess the wife didn't know the husband very well. Tessa: [Entering the room wearing one of Booth's shirts and not much else] Hey. Brennan: Hi, sorry. Booth: Tessa, this is Brennan. Tessa Jankow, Dr. Temperance Brennan. Tessa: Oh, hi. I've heard a lot about you. Brennan: Really? Booth: Tessa's an attorney. Tessa: Mmmm, corporate, keeping the fat cats fat. Brennan: I was just studying a cranial fissure on a corporate attorney last week. Of course he was dead so... Tessa: Interesting. Brennan: Thanks. Booth: [To Brennan] Well the Bureau...I was just heading to the Bureau. Santana called and said something about a bombing and I thought you were at the lab. Maybe, uh, you should come. Brennan: Sure. Booth: [To Tessa, kissing her goodbye] See you later. [Cut to Booth's office] Booth: Okay, what is so funny? Brennan: [Chuckling] I just never figured you'd be in a relationship. Booth: Why, do you think something's wrong with me? Brennan: Not wrong. You just have alpha male attributes usually associated with a solitary existence. Booth: What! Me? You're solitary. Brennan: No, no I'm private. It's different and we weren't talking about me. Booth: Well I was. Brennan: Well I wasn't. Look, I'm happy for you. Relationships have anthropological meaning. No society can survive if sexual bonds aren't formed betw... Booth: What the hell are you talking about? Santana: [Coming out of his office] Booth. Booth: Yeah? Santana: You got that ID? Booth: Yeah it was Masruk. Santana: Oh, that's too bad. Brennan: He killed four people and injured another fifteen. Santana: [Handing a file to Booth] The report came back from ballistics. Now the explosives were placed under the car with the trigger connected to the odometer. Masruk was murdered. Brennan: [Looking at the file as well] So Masruk wasn't a terrorist. Booth: Somebody tried to make him look like one. Any leads on who did it? Santana: That's why we're paying you Booth. [Cut to Interrogation Room] Booth: We're very very sorry Mrs. Masruk. Mrs. Masruk: I told you Hamid was the victim, but you wouldn't listen. You couldn't imagine an Arab who's a peace loving man. Booth: That's not true. Mrs. Masruk: No? We must investigate everything Mrs. Masruk. We must turn your house upside down because we believe your husband was a good man. Is that the truth? Brennan: No! They searched your house because Muslim extremist have declared war on the United States. Preliminary findings made your husband a suspect which we are required... Booth: It's not Bureau policy to target or profile any ethnic group. It wasn't our intention. I can understand why you may feel offended. Brennan: I can't. Booth: Bones! Brennan: What? She's been a part of a criminal investigation that's all. Her rights haven't been violated. It's unfortunate that her husbands' ethnicity is a factor but to say that it isn't would be disingenuous. Booth: I'm going to have to apologize for Dr. Brennan. Mrs. Masruk: It's fine, Mr. Booth. Honesty is always a welcome relief. So when can I bury him? When can I give him peace? Brennan: There are certain body parts that I'm still examining. Others are still seared to the surface of the wreckage... Booth: [To Brennan quietly] I'm sure Mrs. Masruk doesn't really need to know the details. Brennan: If I can retrieve more remains of her husband, Muslim law requires that I do. [To Mrs. Masruk] I spent some time in Iraq identifying bodies. I'll give you whatever I can so that he can be purified for burial. Mrs. Masruk: Thank you. [To Booth] Is that all? Booth: One last thing. A few calls were made to uh, his cell phone from your house minutes before the blast. Mrs. Masruk: [Looking at a family photo] Yes, we argued. It was a family matter. My final words to him were words of anger. Booth: I'm very sorry. It must be very painful. Brennan: You looked very happy in that picture. Mrs. Masruk: [Picking up her belongings to leave] Yes. Booth: Thank you. If there's anything else that you know that you can think of, just give us a call. [To Brennan after the wife leaves the room] I think she's having an affair. Personally. [Cut to Wong Foos} Booth: [Taking a seat at the bar] She was having an affair! Brennan: [Sitting beside him] I'm sorry but that's an offensive assumption! Booth: Well all the signs are there. Brennan: You can't make wild accusations about somebody's personal life based on a feeling. Booth: It's more then a feeling. Okay, that photograph is evidence just as solid as the markers you squints pick up looking at your little bones. Brennan: The evidence that I find isn't empirical. What you consider evidence is merely conjecture. Booth: She dyed her hair. She lost weight. You know she shoved a little Botox in her forehead. She's still feeling guilty over the last fight she had with her husband. Brennan: [Frustrated] Uhhh! You are an insufferable...arrogant....man! Booth: Oh! So only a woman could know a woman. I thought woman wanted us to understand them. Angela: [Who has come to sit beside the two] Not really. A magician never wants to reveal her tricks... Booth: [To Angela] We're having a private conversation. Angela: I'm not here. Brennan: [To Booth] So you think you know woman just because you live with some sexy lawyer? Unbelievable. Booth: [Scoffs] Angela: [To Booth] You live with a sexy lawyer? Booth: [To Angela] She has her own place okay. Brennan: [To Angela] He thinks just because Masruk's wife started working out and had a little make over, that she was having an affair. Angela: Hmm, and how long were they married? Booth: Eleven years. Angela: [To Brennan indicating Booth] I'm with him. Brennan: There is no concrete proof! Angela: Boobs perkier? Booth: Mmmm Hmm. Brennan: I don't believe this if you're so sure then why didn't you confront her. Angela: Because if she or her boyfriend were involved, she would warn him. Booth: Very good. Angela: I'm a constant surprise. Brennan: [Leaving the bar] Alright. Great. I will be in the lab getting us some real data. Booth: [sighs.] Angela: So, how many nights a week does "sexy" sleep over? Booth: Ha, ha, ha. [Cut to Lab] Brennan: [To Zach] How's it coming? Zach: The Ethnoid and Sphenoid fragments won't piece together. Brennan: Zach, I would like to return the remains to the widow before her demise. Zach: I'm doing my best, Dr. Brennan. The integrity of the bone seems to be compromised. I don't know if it's the metal fragments from the blast... Hodgins: I examined the chemicals used in the explosives. The perchlorates I found can have a degenerative effect. Brennan: Not this quickly. Excuse me. [Looking through the microscope] Unusually soft bone tissue. You know, this has nothing to do with the blast. I owe you an apology Zach. Do you have his medicals? Stiff joints, facial disfigurement. There's a disorganized Trabecula pattern here that his doctors wouldn't have been able to see. Could have been a degenerative disease. Hodgins: I don't get it. How does his medical condition figure into the murder? Brennan: Now it's a murder. Before it was terrorism because we didn't have all the facts. You don't overlook anything when you're looking for the truth. [To Hodgins] Check for Lupus and Pagets. Do you have enough tissue? Hodgins: Yeah, I can manage it. Brennan: If those come back negative, he might have been exposed to a toxin which would mean his brother was too. He's exhibiting similar symptoms. I'll get the brother's medicals. Hodgins: [Sighing] I graduated top of my class, Rhode Scholar, youngest member inducted into the Academy of Physical Sciences but she still makes me feel like a cretin. Zach: She apologized to me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to the victim's, brother's, Farid Masruk, apartment] Farid: Yes, I am a Christian. Booth: And Hamid is Muslim and Sahar? Farid: I converted. Hamid could never accept it. Religious differences caused too many problems. Brennan: Seems to be a consistent fact throughout history. Farid: Please. [Gestures for them to sit] I tried to make peace with my brother but it was difficult. There was more then religion between us. Booth: Sahar mentioned that there was some...uh... family problems? Farid: Yes. Booth: I can understand how, uh, delicate it can be. Farid: Did she tell you anymore then that? Booth: No, but I mean, if you have any other information that could help us in the investigation? Farid: It's not my place. Booth: We're just trying to find out who killed your brother. Farid: Sahar was seeing another man but I can't believe she'd hurt my brother. Brennan: Do you know who this other man is or is it just a feeling you have? Farid: I've met him. Ali Ladjavardi. He worked with Hamid at the friendship league. I wanted Hamid to confront Ladjavardi. Brennan: Did both you and Hamid have contact with Ladjavardi? Farid: Yes, once. Hamid, my brother brought me to meet him. Sharing a meal is a gesture of peace. I was trying to save there marriage but Sahar and Ladjavardi were not going to stop their affair so I told Hamid to repudiate her. Booth: Sorry? Brennan: In Muslim law it's a method of divorce. It's called Talak. Farid: I still respected his traditions. Brennan: You and your brother seem to share a medical condition. Farid: Yes. Why is that important? Booth: We don't mean to embarrass you, but Dr. Brennan is just trying to figure out the condition. That's routine. Part of the investigation. Brennan: Have you seen a doctor? Farid: Yes. He believes it's a genetic disorder we shared. He was going to call Hamid's physician to discuss it. Brennan: Would you mind if we saw your medical records? Farid: Of course not. If I could be helped, I welcome it. [Cut to Lab] Angela: Apparently, they live together a few days a week, but he was very clear that she has her own place. Zach: Should you be intruding into their lives like this? Angela: Oh yeah. Absolutely. Hodgins: We're negative for Lupus and Paget's. When you're done, I will do a scraping for environmental contaminates. Zach: {Handing a petrie dish of particulate to Hodgins] I found these. Shiny flakes that caught onto the torn patches of bone. Angela: Bottom line, I still think Brennan has a shot with Booth. Hodgins: But she says she's not interested. Angela: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Zach: Maybe she protested just enough. Angela: Puh lease. She's been sleeping alone for months. She has enough pent up sexual energy to power a small mid-western city. Hodgins: This looks like gypsum. That wouldn't cause any organic damage. It's probably used to insulate the explosives, bet the FBI doesn't know that yet. Angela: I'm gonna go check out this girlfriend. [Cut to Interrogation room] Ladjavardi: I'm not proud of the affair. I admired Hamid but Sahar and I were in love and I can't change that. Booth: You worked with Hamid. You had access to his car. Ladjavardi: That's ridiculous. Booth: You also had contact with his brother Farid who said you were less then friendly with Hamid. Ladjavardi: Have you ever been in the middle of a messy relationship Agent Booth, or are you a perfect man? Booth: You know I prefer to ask the questions Mr. Ladjavardi. Ladjavardi: And I have the right for an attorney. Have you called the number I gave you? Booth: Of course. You know I would never deny anyone his rights. Santana: [Entering the room] Mr. Ladjavardi, I'm Special Agent in Charge, Santana. We're sorry for the inconvenience, you're free to go. Ladjavardi: Thank you. Santana: [To Booth] You're finished. Booth: What the hell was that all about? He was a prime suspect. Santana: He's a mole for Homeland Security. They planted him in the Arab-American Friendship League. Booth: He admitted the affair. Santana: Maybe but Homeland Security says he's clean. They do not want his cover blown. Booth: But sir... Santana: [Angry] Do I look like I'm discussing this? [Santana leaves and Booth punches the wall.] [Cut to Brennan and Booth in his SUV] Booth: [Honking the horn] C'mon. Brennan: You want me to drive? Booth: No. Why? Brennan: You're angry. Booth: [Laughing] I'm not angry. Brennan: Yeah, you're furious. You're going to kill somebody. Booth: I'm not angry. Believe me, you do not want to see me angry. That's the last thing you want to see. Brennan: Okay. Booth: This is me accepting reality. Brennan: Okay, my mistake. Booth: My superiors, they make the decisions, Bones. Alright. They don't think them through that's really not my problem. Brennan: If I were you, I'd be mad. Homeland Security is preventing you from doing a proper investigation of a murder case. Booth: I'm a grownup. I'll deal. You know that thing where you ask for the strength to change the things that you can and the wisdom to know the difference? Brennan: Not really. Booth: Well it's a good thing. Brennan: Who do you ask? Booth: For what? Brennan: For the strength and the wisdom? Booth: God. Brennan: And that works? Booth: Can we talk about something else? Brennan: Sure. Tessa? Booth: Tessa!? No. Why do you want to talk about Tessa? Brennan: What? Why? Why not? I'm sorry. We won't talk about Tessa. Booth: I prefer if we would just stay on point and talk about things that you like to talk about like dead people. Dead bodies? Brennan: Sure, sure. You've killed a lot of people, right? When you were a sniper? Booth: Maybe we shouldn't talk at all. Brennan: Right cause you're angry. Booth: Not angry. I'm not. Brennan: We'll find out who killed him, Booth. We've got Hamid's body. You can always count on the dead. [Cut to Lab] Brennan: When Booth sends over the brothers medicals, I want them matched to Hamid's. Hodgins: [Handing a sheet of paper to Brennan] I'm starting on a tox screen. Brennan: Farid said his doctor suspected a genetic condition. Maybe we are overlooking something. Brennan: [Noticing an electronic device on the table] What is that? Zach: We used the trace elements we recovered to try and build the bomb. It might give you another link. Brennan: Isn't the FBI working on that? Hodgins: Yes, this is just for fun. Brennan: To see who's better? Hodgins: Maybe, a little. Yeah. Brennan: Good luck. Zach: [Presents Brennan with the skull] Ta-da. Brennan: Nice job. No wonder you had such trouble with reconstruction look at the spread of the Trabecular pattern in the bone. Zach: Microscopic fissures, like cracks. Hodgins: I knew that. Zach: I don't think so. Brennan: [To both guys] Can we focus? The spread is too rapid for any organic bones disease or genetic condition. It's definitely a toxin. Is there any surviving marrow to test? Zach: Uh, I'll try and find some. Brennan: Let's do it. [Cut to a Cafeteria. Tessa is sitting at a table snacking on a muffin and reading a book on the FBI when Angela enters. Looking around, Angela holds up a paper in her hand that has a picture of Tessa on it and some personal information. She smiles when she sees Tessa sitting at one of the tables and walks over near her dropping her purse, spilling the contents on purpose. Tessa looks down from her book and goes to help Angela where both strike up a conversation. Cut to Lab] Hodgins: the marrow's degraded. I can give you basics but that's it. Zach: According to these tests the liver function was impaired. Brennan: His body was trying to get rid of whatever was poisoning him. Angela: [Joining the group] There is trouble in paradise. Brennan: I beg your pardon? Angela: Tessa does not feel secure in that relationship. I think she's threatened by you. Brennan: You talked to her. Angela: She didn't say much but even though she has a phenomenal figure she was chowing down on a fat-free muffin and she was reading a book about unsolved FBI cases. Ughhh, she's obviously feeling insecure. Hodgins: [To Brennan] She's spying for you? Brennan: [Embarrassed] No! No! Zach: [To Brennan} Even if you have nothing in common it's difficult to sublimate intense sexual attraction and we hear it's been awhile. Brennan: Okay, Stop! Angela: He is there for the taking, honey. Booth: [Joining the group] Okay, I couldn't get his medical records. What? Brennan: [Embarrassed beyond belief] Oh nothing. Booth: Trying to track down the doctor? Brennan: Don't need him. It's definitely a toxin but we can't determine what kind. Zach: Too bad the liver is cooked, that could tell us everything. Booth: You know, I need subtitles walking in here. Brennan: The liver is like a filter. It would contain evidence of any toxins in the system, but we don't have the liver or any of the flesh left. Hodgins: But we do have the beetles. Hodgins: They ate Hamid's flesh and whatever organs remained and we all know you are what we eat. Booth: So you can ID the poison from the beetles. Zach: You can't kill them. They have names. Brennan: [Taking a handful from the jar] We have to, Zach. Some. Hodgins: In Thailand, they are sautéed in peanut oil. Mmm. Booth: Oh. [Pats Zach on the shoulder] [Cut to later in the day, in the lab] Brennan: We're going to have to run a simulation. I need you to input this skull and give me a face. Angela: You've got it. Brennan: And no more talk about Booth. You shouldn't have gotten involved. Angela: That's what friends are for. Brennan: Please, Angela. Booth: [Walking up behind Zach and noticing the bomb] Hey, Wha...Where'd you get this? Zach: I'm building it. Theoretical construct of the bomb based on the particulates we gathered. Booth: This isn't your job. The Bureau's doing this. Hodgins: Got it! They were poisoned by dioxin, a very pure form. It would stay in the system for years cause cancer, diabetes, heart attack, and the facial system bone degeneration we saw. Brennan: Give me the saturation levels. Angela can use it in simulation to give us approximate date of ingestion. Booth: How much would it take to poison them? Brennan: [Walking away] Just a little slipped into their food. Like at that lunch they had with Sahar's lover. Angela: [To Booth] Impressed? [Cut to Angela's Office] Brennan: Dioxin levels were 5600 parts per trillion. Speed of bone degeneration is an 88% increase over base line osteoporosis. Date of death was... Angela: I remember that one, thanks. Brennan: Run the scenario. Booth: I'll never get used to this. Angela: Yeah? Chicks with toys? Booth: [Seeing a picture of Hamid] Poor b*st*rd. Brennan: Match it to his INS photograph. See how accurate you are. Brennan: [Seeing a perfect match] Good work, Angela. Probable date of exposure, about four months ago, I'd say first week in June. Booth: Let's go pay a visit to Mr. Ladjavardi. [Cut to Booth and Brennan leaving the SUV and approaching Ladjavardi as he walks down the sidewalk] Brennan: I thought you were told to stay away from him? Booth: Yeah and as an FBI agent I cannot disobey my superior but you're not an FBI agent. Brennan: [To Ladjavardi] Hey! Hi! How ya doing? Ladjavardi: What the hell are you doing here? You had orders. Brennan: No. Not me. I just have a couple of quick questions for you. Ladjavardi: Look, I'm not involved in this. Sahar won't even talk to me anymore. Brennan: Yeah, I wonder why? Ladjavardi: [Pulling out a cell phone] I'm calling Santana. Brennan: Yeah, I don't think so. Ladjavardi: [To Brennan] I'm warning you. Booth: [To Ladjavardi] I wouldn't threaten her if I were you. Brennan: Look, I just want to know where you were in June, first week, to see if you poisoned Hamid and Farid. Booth: [To Brennan] Subtle. Ladjavardi: I'm leaving, that's it. [Ladjavardi moves to push her out of the way, but Brennan swings her arm around and grabs his. Pulling his arm around, she flips over on the sidewalk where he lands flat on his back. She walks over and puts her foot on his throat.] Booth: [To Ladjavardi] Told ya. She doesn't like to be touched. Ladjavardi: I didn't poison anybody. Brennan: Then tell me where you were in June. Ladjavardi: In Utah for training with Homeland Security. I didn't get to DC until August 12th. Check with the department. Brennan: Alright, thanks. [Cut to the lab] Hodgins: The insulation they used is gypsum based with plaster and lead mixed with asbestos. Zach: Pyrobar, It's a fire proof tile developed in 1903 by the United States gypsum company. It was only used for a few years. Hodgins: So probably came from the building where the bomb was constructed in. Zach: We find the building and we find the bomber. [Cut to Booth and Brennan in his SUV.] Booth: How about this? Sahar wants out of the marriage. Hamid refuses so Sahar poisons him so that she can run off with uh A. Brennan: Doesn't make sense. Booth: When someone dies the first suspect is the spouse. Brennan: Well what about Hamid's brother? Did she poison him too? Booth: Why not? You know he's pushing his nose into the marriage. I mean suddenly Sahar is facing, you know, a devote Muslim and a fundamentalist Christian and you know and nobody allows divorce and she's pushed to murder. Brennan: That's eschewed logic. Booth: Ah, C'mon Bones. Just work with me here. Alright. It's what we in the law enforcement call positing a scenario. Don't use the word eschewed. Brennan: What if you and Tessa were going to break up and you didn't want to? Booth: Interesting Bones. Brennan: Well I'm positing a scenario. Tessa wants to break up and you don't want to so she poisons you. Booth: No, no, no. Brennan: And then just to make sure she blows you up with a bomb. Booth: Why would Tessa do that? Brennan: Exactly. Thank you. Booth: See cause Tessa and I, that's a bad example. Brennan: Well you're a couple in love, right? Booth: Why do you keep bringing up Tessa? I mean why? What's the big deal? Is it so odd for you that I have someone in my life? Brennan: We were talking about couples. It's a natural segue. Booth: Alright, you know, you have to quit using the word segue and eschew. They sound French. Brennan: Keep changing the subject. I get it. You're sensitive about you and Tessa. Booth: Why aren't we talking about you and your boyfriend? Brennan: I don't have a boyfriend. Booth: You just said that as though it's a good thing and you know what? It's a very, very sad comment on your personal life. Brennan: Look, you're angry again. [Phone rings] Brennan. Zach: The bomb insulation was made from Pyrobar which was used by an architect named William Allard. He was known for developing the Woodley Park neighborhood around 1910. Brennan: Hang on a second Zach. [To Booth] The bomb was made in Woodley Park. Booth: That's were Farid lives. Hold on. [Making a quick U-turn in the road.] No wonder we couldn't get his medicals. He already knew what was poisoning him. Alright, just stay in contact with your boys and tell them we're going to need them. Alright, Listen Brennan, we're heading into a very unknown situation. I think it's best if you just stay in the car. [She glares at him] Okay, then. You know, if you have to come in with me you just stay behind me. [Same glare] Fine, just be careful, Alright. [Cut to Farid's apartment] Booth: [To Brennan] Okay, Anybody asks that door was open. Stay right here! [Yells] FBI Farid. Show yourself. [To Brennan] Okay, Clear! Brennan: [On the phone] Okay, give me Hodgins. Hodgins: Yeah? Brennan: Farid was making something here. Okay I got uh, melted plastic, bottles of chlorine... Hodgins: Dioxin. That's how you would make it. Booth: Bones! Brennan: [To Booth] Yes. Booth: [Referring to a hole in the wall of a closet] Insulation. Farid definitely made the bomb. He killed his brother. Brennan: [To Hodgins] Alright, Stay with me Hodgins. Hodgins: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Booth: Hamid must have been killed because he found his brother making dioxin, alright, and that's probably how they got contaminated. C'mon, A mechanics guide for Hamid's SUV. Page on the odometer, dog-eared. Brennan: He wasn't a Christian. [she looks in a book.] Deceit in the service of Allah is holy. Booth: The Koran? Brennan: No, Imam's twisted interpretation of the Koran so that mass murderers don't have to feel guilt. Booth: [Finding more bomb supplies] He's made another bomb. It's out there, Right now. Brennan: I'm convinced. [To Hodgins] What's the dispersal rate for a bomb packed with say... two liters of dioxin? Hodgins: Ahhh, homemade device similar to the car bomb that could be ...three to five hundred meters if the victims weren't killed they'd develop cancer, blindness, lesions, diabetes.. Booth: [Looking through a date book] Ah, no. Today's day is marked. [To Brennan] Call Homeland Security they'll secure the apartment. [Cut to Booth and Brennan in his SUV Both on cell phones] Booth: [On the phone] There is a convenience store across the street from Farid's apartment. The owner saw him get onto a bus and head downtown. Brennan: [To Angela] We're not sure what bus. Booth is checking with the FBI now if you find anything... Angela: I know. It's just these bus schedules are totally confusing. Booth: [On the phone] Yeah we saw his date book he had 5:30 circled, so just check anything that has anything to do with 5:30 that begins, ends, whatever. Yeah. I'm not going anywhere. Brennan: [To Booth] Angela is checking too. I still don't understand why Farid would kill his brother? Booth: Because both of them were developing symptoms and then people would start asking questions then Farid would have been exposed. He had a mission to accomplish. Brennan: How the hell does he think he's bringing about a better world by blowing people up? Booth: Fanaticism and logic don't go hand in hand. Brennan: [To Angela] It's almost 5:30. C'mon Angela anything between Woodley Park and downtown? Angela: Okay, okay, uh...three movies start a six. There's a lecture at Fuller Hall on Birds. I can't imagine that will be crowded and a peace conference at the Hamilton Cultural Center. There will be speeches by Arab Moderates and a Congressman. That looks like the one. Brennan: [To Booth] Peace Conference. Hamilton Cultural Center. Booth: That's... Brennan: That's it. Booth: That's gotta be it. [On the phone] Okay Gibson, just get your boys over to the Hamilton Cultural Center and just keep them back when you get there. You understand me? If you spook this guy he will blow himself up before we can take him out. Fine, bye. Brennan: Thanks Angela. Booth: [To Brennan] You know, you don't have to come. Brennan: You have got to be kidding me. [Cut to Hamilton Cultural Center] Booth: [To Brennan] We'll start down here and make our way upstairs. Announcement: Welcome to the Hamilton Center Peace Conference. We would ask that all delegates check in at the orientation located at the east entry before convening for the keynote speaker address... Brennan: There are too many ways in. Where are the reinforcements? Aren't there always reinforcements? Booth: Sure, they're downstairs tying up the horses. Brennan: Sarcasm doesn't help. Booth: Okay, they are mobilizing swat teams and additional agents but it takes time and if Farid has the bomb and spots them, it could be bad. Brennan: If you see him will you shoot? Booth: Well, he might not have the bomb. Brennan: You don't believe that? Booth: I'm not taking out a target Brennan unless I'm sure. Brennan: Is that how you make it easier? Calling him a target? Booth: You know you really picked an odd time to have this conversation. Brennan: [Pointing to Farid] Booth! Booth: Farid. Brennan: There! That's Farid. Booth: I'm not sure. Brennan: Look his walk is labored from the dioxin poisoning and the parietal bones in his skull match his picture. Booth: It's dexterous. What if you're wrong? Brennan: This is what I do Booth. Do you really want to wait? He's carrying something heavy in his camera bag, see the extra weight is causing his shoulder to... Booth: No, I can't! Brennan: He has all the markers, Booth. Booth: I need a face. I need a face. Brennan: [Shouts out] Farid! [Farid turns around and looks up at them.] Booth: [To Farid] On the ground! [Farid reaches into his bag and grabs a switch placing his thumb on top of it.] Brennan: He's going for the bomb. [Booth takes aim and shoots Farid in the head. Gibson move in to check and ends up taking the switch out of Farid's hand, opening the bag to reveal the bomb Gibson takes off his sunglasses to look up at Booth, nodding his head that he got the right guy.] [Cut to Wong Foo's] Booth: You know I told them to tell the press is was an undercover operation. Brennan: But it would be a rose garden ceremony. That's an honor, Right? I thought you FBI guys loved your medals? Booth: There's no pleasure in taking someone's life. Nothing to celebrate. Brennan: [Smiling and touching his arm] You saved so many people, Booth. Don't forget that. Booth: You want to get another drink? Brennan: Shouldn't you be getting home? Tessa will be worried about you. Booth: Yeah. I guess I should. Thanks for your help Bones. Brennan: Sure. [Alternately cut from scenes of Brennan working in her office and Booth having dinner with Tessa. Booth looks slightly uncomfortable at the table while Tessa is talking a mile a minute. Brennan is in the lab after hours and manages to identify another WWI veteran] End.
Plan: A: Car bomb; Q: What explodes in front of a busy café? A: the cafés patrons; Q: Who was injured in the explosion? A: the car; Q: What was registered to a prominent Middle Eastern man with U.S. government ties? A: Agent Booth; Q: Who calls Dr. Brennan into the case? A: Booth; Q: Who is seeing a woman? A: Dr. Brennan; Q: Who does Agent Booth call to help identify the driver of the car bomb? A: clues; Q: What do Brennan and Booth uncover that lead them in an unexpected direction? A: a terrorist; Q: Who are Brennan and Booth on the trail of? A: Angela; Q: Who is Brennan's team member who is trying to convince Booth to date her? A: Booth's personal life; Q: What does Angela look into to convince Brennan that she has a chance for romance with Booth? Summary: Car bomb explodes in front of a busy café, killing the driver and a number of the cafés patrons, and injuring others. Since the car was registered to a prominent Middle Eastern man with U.S. government ties, Agent Booth calls Dr. Brennan into the case to help with the identification of the driver. Once the driver's identity is revealed, Brennan and Booth uncover clues that lead them in an unexpected direction - on the trail of a terrorist before another murder is committed. Meanwhile, Brennan and her team discover that Booth is seeing a woman, which inspires Angela to look further into Booth's personal life in hopes of convincing Brennan that she has a chance for romance with Booth.
Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The cemetery at night. The camera is focused on a heart-shaped locket that Xander is dangling in the extreme foreground so that everything in the distance is out of focus and unrecognizable. Xander: So, what do you think? The camera shifts its focus onto Buffy sitting on a gravestone. Buffy: It's nice. Cut to a full-view shot of them. They are waiting near a fresh grave. Xander approaches Buffy, still dangling the locket. Xander: But do you think Cordelia will like it? Buffy: I don't know. She pulls it toward herself with her hand to take a closer look. Buffy: Does she know what one of these is? He yanks it out of her hand and puts it and his hands into his jacket pockets. Xander: (chuckles) Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia? Buffy: I'm sorry. But never. (Xander nods, smiles and looks down) I just think you could find somebody more... better. Xander: Uh, parallel universe, maybe. (looks up) Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speakin'. You know, just, uh, enjoying comfortable silence. (grins and laughs, then loses the grin and exhales) Man, that was dull. Buffy: (smiles) I'm glad that you guys are getting along. (facetiously) Almost really. (reassuringly) And don't stress over the gift. Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders. Buffy: She'll love it. Xander: I wish dating was like slaying: (steps away) you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss. He turns to face her again just as a vampire rises from the fresh grave. Xander reacts quickly and jerks back as the newly risen demon comes for him, but he trips and falls backward onto his butt. Buffy hops off of the gravestone and grabs the vampire from behind as he is about to grab Xander and throws him high and away. He hits the ground hard. His momentum carries him into a reverse somersault, and he rolls to his feet. He starts to come at Buffy. She leaps at him, does a double kick to his chest with both feet in rapid succession and lands upright as the vampire staggers back into the corner column of a small mausoleum. Buffy comes at him, but he blocks her first two punches and ducks a third swing. Her fourth and fifth punches, however, land on his face, but he isn't fazed. He pushes her aside into the wall of the mausoleum, and after regaining his balance comes at her again. She slides down the wall and kicks out with her leg, making him trip and spin down to the ground. As he gets up she leaps at him with a high kick and knocks him back down again. She reaches into her jacket for a stake, and when the vampire stands back up again and tries to make a grab for her she deftly plunges it into his chest. He immediately bursts into a cloud of ashes. Buffy yanks the stake back and watches with satisfaction as the ash rains to the ground. Then she heads over to Xander and gives him a hand back up to his feet. Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating. They start out of the cemetery. Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School the next morning. Cordelia walks up the steps from the street. She sees her friends sitting on a wall and heads over to them. When they see her coming they all stand up and make their way toward the main entrance, ignoring her. Cordelia: Wait up. Hey, wait up! (jogs to catch up) Excuse me! Where's the fire sale? They all stop and turn around to face her. Harmony: Oh, sorry. Didn't see you. Cordelia: Well, why didn't you call me back last night? We need to talk about our outfits for the dance. I'm gonna wear red and black, (points at Kate) so you need to switch. Kate: Red and black? Is that what Xander likes? Cordelia: (confused) Xander? What does he have to do with this? Harmony: Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek. Cordelia: Xander's just... Harmony: (interrupts) When are you two gonna start wearing cute little matching outfits? 'Cause I'm planning to vomit. (to the others) Let's go. They all turn away and head into the building, leaving Cordelia behind. Cut to American Literature class. The bell rings. Ms. Beakman: Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving me a paper is looking at a failing grade. The camera closes in on Xander sitting at the back of his row two seats behind Willow. Buffy is to Willow's right, and they both get ready to go. Xander: (holding his paper) Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus. He stands up with his paper in his hands. The two girls do the same. Willow steps down the aisle and stops next to Amy. Willow: Hey, Amy. Amy: Hey. (pulls on her backpack) Are you guys going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. Willow turns to look at Buffy with a huge smile on her face. Buffy: Go ahead. You know you wanna say it. Willow faces Amy again, grinning broadly. Willow: My boyfriend's in the band! Amy: (smiles and laughs) Cool. Willow looks back at Buffy. Buffy: I think you've now told everybody. Willow: Only in this hemisphere. (pulls on her pack) Amy: (to Buffy) What about you? Buffy: (waves her off) Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate. Amy: Bad breakup, huh? Buffy: Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'. They all walk up to the teacher's desk, and Buffy hands in her paper. Mrs. Beakman: Thank you. Buffy heads out of the room as Willow holds up her paper as well. Xander is just making his way down the aisle behind Amy. Mrs. Beakman: (to Willow) Thank you. Willow follows Buffy out. Amy stands in front of Mrs. Beakman and stares her down. There is a long silence as Amy concentrates on staring into the teacher's eyes. Xander, standing behind Amy, slowly loses his smile as he sees what's going on. A moment later Mrs. Beakman smiles at Amy and gestures as though she's accepting a paper from her. Mrs. Beakman: Thank you, Amy. Amy smiles and starts out of the classroom. Xander comes up to the desk staring open-mouthed after Amy and hands his paper in also. Cut to the stairs. Buffy and Willow come walking down. Amy hops down past them with a big smile on her face and heads into the lounge. Willow: I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine's Day. The two of them head down the hall. Xander reaches the bottom of the stairs behind them and follows as he watches Amy go off in the other direction. Buffy: I'll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have a pig-out and vid fest. It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless. Xander: (catches up) Did you guys see that? (points at Amy) Buffy: See what? Xander: In class. I think Amy just worked some magic on Ms. Beakman. Buffy: You mean like witchcraft? Willow: You know, her mom's a witch. Buffy: And an amateur psycho. Amy's the last person that should be messing with that stuff. Xander: Maybe I should go talk to her. Giles sees them coming his way and calls out. Giles: Buffy! (approaches them) Buffy... Might I have a word? Buffy: Have a sentence, even. Giles: (gets the joke) Oh. Good. Well, uh... He happens to glance off into Jenny's classroom as she's talking to a student by the door. Jenny: (to the student) Back it up before you leave. She steps into the hall and stops. She and Giles exchange looks with each other. Buffy notices the exchange and looks down sadly. Jenny shrugs and smiles thinly at Giles. Jenny: Rupert. Giles: Ms. Calendar. (looks down) She glances down briefly and back up, then steps toward him. Jenny: I'm glad we ran into each other, actually. I was hoping that we could, uh... (gestures toward her room) Do you have a minute? (fidgets with her hands) Giles: Um... (making excuses) Actually, not, not just now. Um, (ahem) I, uh, have a matter to discuss with, with Buffy. Buffy: (calmly) Right. Let's go. She gives Jenny a quick glance and squeezes between her and Giles, heading for the library. Xander and Willow watch in silence. Giles looks up at Jenny for a moment, then slowly turns to follow Buffy. Jenny drops her arms in despair, looks at Xander and Willow, and then starts down the hall the other way. Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table hugging her knee while Giles comes toward her slowly with his hands in his pockets. Buffy: Are you okay? Giles: (looks at her) Me? I-I-I'll be fine. (scratches his nose, then pockets his hand again) Um, I was more concerned about you, actually. Uh, since Angel, um... uh... turned... (sits on the table and folds his hands) I've, um, been reading up on, on his earlier activities. Y'know, uh, feeding patterns a-and the like. Buffy: And? Giles: Around Valentine's Day, he, he, he's rather prone to, uh... well, um, brutal displays of, uh... He would think of it as affection, I suppose. Buffy: Like what? Giles: No, no, uh, (gets up) no need to go into details. (steps away) Buffy: That bad? Giles: (faces her) Suffice it to say I, I think it would be best if you stayed off the streets for a few nights. I-I-I'll, um... (sits across from her) I'll patrol and keep an eye on things. (Buffy stares off into space) Better safe than sorry. Buffy: (looks over at him) It's a little late for both. Dissolve to Spike's warehouse. Drusilla opens a jewelry case, and inside is a gold necklace with rubies set into an integrated pendant. The camera pans up from it over to Spike in his wheelchair. Spike: Fancy it, pet? Drusilla: Ahhh. It's beautiful. Mm. Spike: Nothing but the best for my gir... Angelus walks up to the table and sets down a human heart, fresh and bloody. He smiles over at Spike, then down at Drusilla. Angelus: Happy Valentine's Day, Dru. Drusilla: Oh... (holds her hands over it) Angel! Angelus raises his eyebrows at Spike. Drusilla: It's still warm. Spike closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath, then looks back up at Angelus. Angelus: I knew you'd like it. (inhales the aroma) I found it in a quaint little shopgirl. He sees the necklace, picks it up and holds it out to have a look at it. Angelus: Cute. (reaches around Drusilla's neck with it) Here. She pulls her hair back and away so he can close the clasp behind her neck. Spike wheels toward them, upset with Angelus' forwardness. Spike: I'll get it. Angelus: (looks up at Spike) Done. I know Dru gives you pity access, but you have to admit it's so much easier when I do things for her. (smiles) Spike: (controlling his anger) You would do well to worry less about Dru (Angelus rolls his eyes) and more about that Slayer you've been tramping around with. Angelus: (paces behind the table) Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards. (sits on the table) Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression. Angelus: Lacks... poetry. Spike: It doesn't have to. (inhales and thinks) What rhymes with lungs? Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. (looks back at Angelus) Angel always knows... (looks at the heart) what speaks to a girl's heart. The camera pans down from her to the heart. Cut to the Bronze for the Valentine's Day dance. Oz and Devon's band Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are playing "Pain". Xander is at a table with Willow, turning a jewelry box around in his hands. The camera pans up to Willow watching the band play and bobbing her head to the beat. It pulls back to show Xander staring off in another direction, oblivious to the music. The camera focuses on the band as Devon sings. Lyrics: Feeling I've been lost for years Oz smiles over at Willow and then looks down at his guitar. Lyrics: You can never understand me / Unless you've seen those tears / But you never get to sleep Willow looks up at Oz and smiles. Oz smiles back as he plays. Lyrics: When I'm away / I don't mind / The deeper... Willow: (to Xander, smiling) Oz has his cool hair today. Lyrics: ...that you lay Willow: (excited) I think I'm a groupie! (looks back at the band) Lyrics: Out of time Cut to Cordelia coming out of the restrooms. Lyrics: Pain, I can't sleep She looks around and sees her friends. Cordelia: (smiles) Oh, hey! They all give her looks of disgust. Lyrics: Pain, I can't sleep Harmony: Let's get outta here. Cordelia just stands there and watches them go. Lyrics: Running... Cut to Buffy's house. She and her mother are lounging back on the couch watching TV. The coffee table in front of them is full of plates of cookies, cheese puffs and other snacks. Buffy has a bowl of popcorn in her lap. They hear a knock at the door and look over in that direction. Buffy looks back at her mom, exhales and hands her the popcorn. Buffy: Here. Joyce starts to munch on it. Buffy gets up to answer the door. Cut to outside. The camera pans over to the door as Buffy opens it and looks out. She is puzzled when there's no one there. She looks further out and in both directions. She shrugs with her eyes, goes back inside and closes the door. When she steps back into the living room her mother is gone. She looks back behind her, through the foyer and into the dining room beyond. Joyce is nowhere to be seen. Buffy: (concerned) Mom? She walks through the dining room and into the kitchen. Buffy: Mom? She walks around the island, looking around all the while, then quickly out the window when she hears a noise, but sees nothing and continues toward the kitchen door. She looks back into the dining room. When she reaches the kitchen door she is startled by her mother coming back in from outside and gasps. Joyce: Buffy, it's me. Buffy: Yeah. You just startled me a little. Joyce: I was just checking the back door. (closes the door) Somebody, um, left these for you. She sets a long black box with a black bow on the island for Buffy to see. She looks up at her mother and raises her eyebrows for an instant before lifting the lid off the box. Joyce looks down, curious to see what's in it. Buffy stares down at it and sees a dozen red roses along with a card bearing a single word: Soon. Her mother looks up at her with a little smile, but it fades when she sees how Buffy is just staring down at the card without saying a word or reacting in any way. Cut to the Bronze. The band continues playing. Lyrics: Pain, I can't sleep / Pain, I can't sleep Xander looks around and spots Cordelia sitting alone at a table. Lyrics: Pain, I can't sleep He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to her. She notices him coming, looks at him and stands up to meet him. The song is over now. Xander: Hey. Cordelia: (looks him up and down) Your clothes... You look so good. Xander: (looks down at himself) Oh. I let Buffy dress me. (gets a confused look from Cordelia) Well, not physically. Cordelia: (upset) Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you? Xander: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here. Cordelia: Xander... Xander: (stops her with a gesture) Let me finish. I've been thinking a lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. (Cordelia looks puzzled) A-and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. (Cordelia looks down, then back up) And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something. So... He pulls out the jewelry box and hands it to her. She takes it and looks up at him. Cordelia: Xander... (opens the box) Thank you. (holds up the necklace and pendant) It's beautiful. (exhales and looks at him) I wanna break up. Xander: (looks at her in disbelief) Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for. Cordelia: (shaking her head) I know. I'm sorry. It's just... Who are we kidding? (Xander looks down at the necklace) Even if parts of us do see specialness, we don't fit. Xander: (looks up suddenly) Yeah! Okay... (very upset) Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony? Cordelia: (apologetically) I know. I didn't mean to do it this way. I... Xander: (interrupts) Well, you did. Cordelia gives him a sorry look. Xander stares back for a moment, then turns and goes away. Cordelia looks down at the pendant. Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander comes moping around the corner. A boy passes him in the halls. Jack: Dude. (pats Xander's shoulder) Way to get dumped. He continues down the hall, and Xander does the same. He looks up and sees Buffy coming the other way. Xander: Ooo, Buffy, my bud, (takes her hand and stops her) you will not believe... Buffy: (looks at him) Can't talk right now. Angel. Xander: (lets go of her hand) Do you need help? Buffy: It's alright. She quickly resumes her rapid trek to the library. Xander watches her go, then continues down the hall. A group of girls passes around him, staring and giggling at him. He exhales and watches them go. A few steps further along he hears Harmony address him, and looks over at her. Harmony: Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you. She and the other girls around her laugh to his face. Xander just keeps moping along. A moment later he notices Amy heading toward the stairs in front of him. He looks back for an instant and then rushes over to her, takes her by the arm and pulls her aside. Amy: What are you doing? Xander: Amy. Good to see you. (takes a quick look around) You're a witch. Amy: (glances around) No, I'm not. That, that was my mom, remember? (smiles) Xander: Yeah, I'm thinking it runs in the family. I saw you working that mojo on Ms. Beakman. (gestures behind himself) Maybe I should go tell somebody about... Amy: That's not even... (angrily) That is so mean! Xander: (glares back) Blackmail is such an ugly word. Amy: I didn't say blackmail. Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up. Amy: (folds her arms) What do you want? Xander: (chuckles) What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for *once*, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. You and me, Amy... (looks back at Cordelia sitting with Harmony now) we're gonna cast a little spell. Amy looks past him at Cordelia as well, then turns her eyes up at him. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ An empty classroom. Xander closes the door behind himself as he follows Amy in. Amy: A love spell? Xander: Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi. Amy: Well, that kind of thing is the hardest! I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity? Xander: (waves his hand and shakes his head) Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes. Amy: Well, then I don't get it. If you don't wanna be with her forever, then what's the point? Xander: The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break up with *her* and subject her to the same hell she's been puttin' *me* through. Amy: (turns and steps away) Oh, I don't know, Xander. (turns back) Intent has to be pure with love spells. Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you gonna play, or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework? Amy: (considers) I'll need something of hers. (steps closer) A personal object. Xander: Alright. (smiles and leaves the room) Cut to the library. Giles is at the table studying a book. Buffy comes striding in and up to the table. She slaps the card that came with the roses into the book in front of him. Giles startles a bit and looks up. Buffy: 'Soon' what, Giles? You never held out on me until the big, bad thing in the dark became my ex-honey. Giles: (looks at the card) Where did this come from? Buffy: He said it with flowers. Look, this isn't the time to start becoming Mr. Protective Guy. I can't just hang around, and I can't prepare when I don't know what's coming. Giles: (sits up in his chair) N-no, of-of course, you're right. (gestures to another chair) Uh, s-s-sit, sit down. (stands up) Cut to the hall. Xander sees Cordelia coming and waits for her. She spots him, pivots around and hurries the other way. Xander does a fast walk to catch up and passes her, then spins around to stop her in her tracks. Xander: Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not gonna make a big scene. I just want the necklace back. Cordelia: (in disbelief) What? I thought it was a gift. Xander: No. Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I can melt it down and sell it for fillings or something. Cordelia: You're pathetic! Xander: Come on, I'm not gonna add to the Cordelia Chase castoff collection. Cordelia: (glares at him) It's in my locker. Xander: (points to her locker with his eyes) I can wait. She gives him another look, then goes over to her locker. Xander steps to the side of the hall and leans against the lockers about ten feet from her. He watches the people passing by as she works her combination. She opens the locker and sets down a book. She glances over at him to see if he's looking. Satisfied that he's not paying close attention she leans in behind the door, exhales, reaches under the collar of her blouse and pulls the necklace and pendant out. Xander just keeps looking around the hall. She undoes the clasp, takes it off and lets out a deep breath. She closes her locker, steps over to him and hands him the necklace. Cordelia: Here. It's a good thing we broke up. Now I don't have to pretend I like it. Xander just gives her a look and leaves. Cut to the school that night. Cut to the science lab. Xander is holding a candle and sitting bare-chested and cross-legged on the floor inside a large red symbol for woman painted on the floor. Three red vertical stripes are painted on his chest. Amy is at a lab table where she's waving the locket over her witch's brew, which is boiling in a beaker over a Bunsen burner. Amy: Diana... goddess of love and the hunt... I pray to thee. Let my cries bind the heart of Xander's beloved. (lowers the necklace into the brew) May she neither rest nor sleep (the brew sparks) until she submits to his will only. The flame of the burner becomes huge as the power of the spell emanates from the beaker and swirls above it and between her hands. Amy: Diana, bring about this love and bless it. The swirls of energy begin to return to the beaker and disappear. Amy: (to Xander) Blow out the candle now! The spell's power has dissipated. Xander blows out the candle and the screen goes black. Cut to the school the next morning. Cut to the hall outside the lounge. Xander sees Cordelia and her friends sitting at a table and goes over to them with confidence. He rests one hand on the table and leans over it next to Cordelia, looking around at all the girls and giving them a smile. Cordelia looks up at him. Cordelia: What? Xander: (confidently) Morning, ladies. (to Cordelia) Some kind of weather we've been having, huh? Cordelia: What do you want? You can't be sniffing around for more jewelry to melt, because all you ever gave me was that Smallmart-looking thing. (looks back down at her notebook) Xander: (chuckles and leans in to Cordelia) Is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different. Cordelia: (pushes him away) What are you doing? Are you going, like, stalker-boy on me now? Xander: (confused) Sorry. My mistake. Cordelia: Yeah, I should say so. He walks away. She looks at the other girls at the table. Cordelia: What is his deal? Cut to the library. Giles is sitting on the table looking through a book. Buffy is sitting in a chair across from him. Giles: Look, here's another. Here. Um, 'Valentine's Day.' Yes, uh... 'Angel nails a puppy to the...' Buffy: (interrupts) Skip it. Giles: Uh, but it... Buffy: I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it. Giles: (closes the book) Right you are. I'll get another batch. He gets off of the table and heads into his office. Xander walks in and up to the table. Xander: I have a plan: we use me as bait. Buffy: You mean make Angel come after you? Xander: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than *my* life. Buffy: Yeah. (gets up) I heard about you and Cordy. That's her loss. (leans on the table) Xander: Yeah. Not really the popular theory. Buffy: (looks up at him) You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us. Xander: (does a double take) Really? Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other. Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting. (grins) She stands up, stares into his eyes and takes a step closer to him. Buffy: (smiles) Play your cards right... Xander: (stops her with his hand) Okay, uh... You do know that I'm Xander, right? Buffy: (looks down) I don't know, I just... (looks up) heard that you and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. (plays with his shirt) It's funny... (leans into him) how you can see someone every day but not really see them. You know? Xander: (smiles and chuckles nervously) Yeah, it's funny. And it's just gettin' funnier. She puts her finger to his lips to quiet him and slowly leans toward him for a kiss. Behind them Amy walks into the library. Amy: Xander, can I talk to you for a minute? Buffy pulls back slightly. Xander looks at Amy, back at Buffy, then at Amy again. Xander: Yeah, okay. Cut to the hall outside the library. Amy comes out with Xander right behind her. He makes sure the door is closed, looks in through the window at Buffy for a second, and then gives his attention to Amy. Amy: Xander. Xander: Yeah. Amy: I don't think the spell worked out right. Xander: Oh, yeah, it bombed. No biggie. (grins) Amy: Well, we can always try again. He looks back through the window and sees Buffy looking out at him. Amy: I am still pretty new at this. Xander: Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. (Amy smiles at him) I think we've all grown. I gotta go. (moves to go back in) Amy: (stops him with her hand) Oh, we don't have to cast any spells. He sees Buffy staring out at him with her finger between her lips. Amy: We can just... hang out. Xander: Sure. (looks at Amy) What? Amy: (smiles) Well, I liked spending time with you. You're so sweet. You know, it's funny how you can... you can see a person every day and... He starts to realize what's going on. Xander: Not really see them. He looks in at Buffy again. She's still staring out at him, playing with her hair between her lips. Amy: Exactly. So, anyway, I thought it might... Another girl approaches them in the hall. Cordette: Hi, Xander. Xander: What? Cordette: You're in Mr. Baird's history class, right? Xander: Yeah. Cordette: I thought maybe we could study together tonight. Amy: (interrupts) Do you mind? We were talking. The two girls glare at each other. Xander begins to worry. Xander: Uh, I really gotta go. Right now. He heads down the hall away from them. They both just watch him go. Cut to Xander's room at home. He barges in and slams the door behind him. He calms down a bit, takes the few steps over to his bed and sits on it. Behind him Willow sits up from under the covers wearing one of his shirts and touches him on the back. Xander jumps up in surprise and stares at her in shock. Willow: Sorry. I wanted to surprise you. Xander: (grins nervously) Good job! High marks. Willow: Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before. Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas. Willow: Xand, I've been thinking. Xander: Will, I, I think I know what you've been thinking. But this is all my fault. I cast a spell, and it sort of backfired. Willow: (rubs the sheets) How long have we been friends? Xander: (very nervous) A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now. Willow: (moves to the edge of the bed) Well, friendships change all the time. People grow apart. They grow closer. (smiles up at him) Xander: Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, (points behind himself) I can even back up a few paces and still be happy. (steps back) See? (smiles, still nervous) She gets up from the bed and approaches him. His shirt is the only thing she's wearing. Willow: I want you, Xander... (smiles) to be my first! Xander: (extremely nervous) Baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball. He starts to back up when she reaches him. She puts her hands up against his chest. Willow: Shhh. He backs into the door. She rubs her hands up and down his chest. Willow: We both know it's right. (leans into him for a kiss) Xander: (backs his head away) It's not that I don't find you sexy. Willow: (leans away to look at him) Is it Oz? (shakes her head) Don't worry about him. He's sweet, but... he's not you. (rubs his chest more) Xander: Yes, he is. And you should go to him. 'Cause he's me. (grins) She leans up to the side of his face and starts to suck on his earlobe. Xander is sweating bullets now, having no idea how to handle this. Xander: I-I don't wanna use force. She lets go of his ear and leans back to face him again with a wide smile on her face. Willow: Mm. Force is okay! She tries for his ear again, but he takes her by the arms and pushes her away. She stares at him in confusion. Xander: Th-that's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. (opens the door behind him) And hide. (rushes out) Cut to the hall at school. Cordelia comes in at the far end and walks up to her friends standing there in a huddle. They all cross their arms and face her when she arrives. Cordelia: Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple together? Harmony: You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you. They all walk past her in disgust. She turns around, and they face her when she speaks. Cordelia: Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with him! Harmony: Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her friends said. They all give her a huff and leave. Cordelia: What does it take to make you people happy? Cut to a pair of doors in the halls. The camera is at a low angle for a shot of Xander's shoes as he pushes open the doors and walks into the hall in slow motion to the tune of "Got the Love" by The Average White Band. Lyrics: Hey, yeah / Got the love, got the love Cut to Xander staring at all the girls looking at him with love in their eyes, some giggling, some giving him sexy looks, some just watching him walk. Lyrics: Mm, yeah / Got the love, got the love He looks over at the other side of the hall, and it's more of the same. Lyrics: Got the love, got the love / Sugar baby / Got the love, got the love Xander keeps walking up the hall. The guys are clearly not happy that he has the attention of all the girls. Lyrics: Oh, now, babe, you've been gone such a long time Behind him the girls start to gather and follow. Lyrics: Been thinkin' 'bout what it is we got Several girls cross in front of him and check him out. Lyrics: Not all the time in the world / Whoo! / But got a lot Xander looks around in disbelief. Lyrics: Now, there's much more than a ghost of a chance More girls stare at him walking by, and he gets looks and shakes of heads from the guys. Lyrics: We can make it right this time A group of four girls starts to tail him down the hall. Lyrics: 'Cause you've got to stay mine Cut to the library. Xander comes in, closes the door behind him and checks to see if any of the girls are following him in. Lyrics: Yeah, I got the love / Got the love, got the love Satisfied he has no stalkers, he heads into the library to find Giles as the music fades out. Lyrics: We got to make it work / Got the love, got the love Giles: (comes down the stairs) Xander. (looks at him) What is it? (sets his books down) Xander: It, it's me... throwing myself at your mercy. Giles: What? Why? (takes off his glasses to clean them) Xander: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I... made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired, and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper, but... Jenny comes into the library behind them and strides up to Giles. Jenny: Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. (rubs his shirt) Look, Rupert, I know that you're angry at me, and I don't blame you, but I am not just gonna go away. (keeps rubbing Xander's arm) I mean, I care far too much about you to... (looks at Xander's arm) Have you been working out? Xander gives Giles a 'see what I mean?' look. Giles grabs Jenny by the arms and pulls her away and behind him. Jenny: Oh! She stares at Xander with a look of desire in her eyes. Giles looks at her, at Xander, back at her, and finally back at Xander. Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this! Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this. Jenny keeps staring at him while she plays with her necklace. Giles: Has, uh... Has Amy tried to reverse the spell? Xander: I get around Amy and all she wants to do is talk honeymoon plans. Jenny: (steps toward Xander) Rupert, maybe I need to talk to Xander alone. Giles: (pushes her back) Do you have any idea how serious this is? People under a-a love spell, Xander, are-are deadly. They lose all capacity for reason. He looks at Jenny who has begun rubbing her hands over her face and neck, then down her body. Giles: (to Xander) And if what you say is true and the entire female population is affected, I... (sternly) Don't leave the library. (Jenny keeps staring) I'll find Amy and see if we can put a stop to this thing. He starts to leave the library. Jenny rubs her fingers together, alone at last with Xander, and sashays up to him. He steps back away from her. Giles walks back up to them, takes Jenny by the hand and pulls her out of the library behind him. Jenny moans and reaches her arm out to Xander as Giles drags her off. Jenny: No! Xander realizes he's finally alone without any girls around, and quickly moves to push the mobile card catalog in front of the doors in an attempt to keep it that way. As he heads back toward the table Buffy pulls the door out and open and steps in wearing only a short black raincoat that reaches barely down to mid-thigh and black high heels. When Xander hears the door swing shut and smack the card catalog behind him he spins around and stares at Buffy in shock. She is standing there with one hand on the catalog and the other propped up on top of the theft detector and smiles at him as she raises her right ankle and rubs it against her left calf. Buffy: Alone at last. Xander: (stares open-mouthed) Buff, give me a heart attack! Buffy: Oh, (starts a sexy walk toward him) I'm gonna give you more than that. (grabs her raincoat belt to untie it) Xander: (backs away, gesturing with his hands) Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat. Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present? (undoes a button) Xander: (keeps backing toward the stairs nervously) It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. (trips and falls backward onto the stairs) Not like this. This isn't real to you. (Buffy steps up and puts her leg over him) You're only here because of a spell. (gets a confused stare from her) I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me... (shakes his head) But you don't. So I can't. Buffy: (starts to get upset) So you're saying this is all a game? Xander: A game? I... No! Buffy: (angry) You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy? Xander: Buffy, please calm down. Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself! Amy: (appears behind them) Get away from him. (Buffy turns to her) He's mine. Buffy: (steps toward Amy) Oh, I don't think so. (looks back at him) Xander, tell her. Xander: What? I, uh... Amy: He doesn't have to say. (Buffy looks back at her) I know what his heart wants. Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants. She swings and punches Amy in the face. She falls to the floor. Buffy confronts Xander. Buffy: What is this, you're two-timing me? Xander doesn't know what to say. Amy gets up. Her nose is bloody and her eyes have become pitch-black. She begins to weave a spell with her hands. Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will. Xander: Uh-oh. The spell's energy swirls around her. Amy: Before thee let the unclean thing crawl! She thrusts her arms out at Buffy, and the power of the spell leaps from her hands and envelops the Slayer. The energy soon dissipates. Xander: Buffy! (stares in utter disbelief) Oh, my God! [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Xander looks down at Buffy's empty raincoat lying on the floor, then back up at Amy. Giles comes back into the library with Jenny. Giles: What, what just happened? Xander: (indicates the raincoat) Buffy. Jenny smiles broadly when she sees Xander and tries to go to him, but Giles holds her back. Giles: Where is she? They both look down at the raincoat. Cut to a shot of a sleeve. Buffy has been turned into a rat, and she comes crawling out. Giles: Oh, my God! Amy: (steps over to Xander) Why is she here? (gestures at Jenny) Xander: Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat. Buffy starts to scamper across the floor. Giles follows her with his gaze. Amy: (to Xander) Buffy can take care of herself. (takes his arm) Why don't we go someplace private? Jenny puts her hands on her hips and gives Amy a haughty look. Giles looks around for where Buffy went. Xander: (jerks his arm away) Can you... I'm not going anywhere until you change her back. Jenny: (steps over to Amy) You heard him. So why don't you undo your little magic trick and get lost? Amy: Who made you Queen of the World? Well, you're old enough to be. Jenny: Well, what can I say? (grabs Xander by the shirt) I guess Xander's just too much man (pulls him closer) for the pimple squad. Amy puts her arm between them and pushes Xander away from Jenny. She waves her hands before her and begins to cast another spell. Her eyes turn pitch-black, and energy begins to swirl around her as she speaks. Amy: Goddess Hecate, to you I pray, with this... Xander: (puts his hand over Amy's mouth) Would you quit with the Hecate?! (pulls her back and away) Cut to the halls. Cordelia is at her locker and closes it. She starts down the hall, but runs into Harmony and friends waiting to confront her. Cordelia: Okay, what now? You don't like my locker combination? Harmony: (hands on her hips) It's just not right. You never loved him. You just used him. You make me sick. Cordelia: (sarcastically) Okay, Harmony, if you need to borrow my Midol, just ask. Harmony slaps Cordelia across the face. She holds her hand to her face and looks at Harmony in surprise. She turns to go the other way, but Cordette blocks her way and pushes her up against the lockers. Then she and another girl pull her away from the wall and shove her down to the floor. Cut to the library. Giles has had enough and talks sternly to Amy and Jenny. Giles: You two, sit. (Amy goes to the table) And be quiet. (Jenny joins her) We have to catch the Buffy rat. (takes off his coat) Xander: (spots Buffy) Ooo, there! Buffy squeezes behind a bookcase as he rushes to try to catch her. Amy and Jenny sit down at the table across from one another, each staring at the other. Xander is too late to get Buffy, but he sees her crawl along the space behind the case toward the other end. He quickly crawls along the front of the case to head her off. Giles watches at the end that Xander just left. Xander peeks around the other end of the bookcase to wait for Buffy to come out. Xander: Good Buffy. Just... He sees someone come up next to him and looks up. There he sees Oz standing over him, and the next thing he knows Oz has punched him in the face. He stumbles backward into the shelves. Giles is startled and looks up as well. Oz shakes out his hand. Buffy makes her escape from behind the bookcase and goes out of the library doors into the hall. Oz: (still shaking his hand) That kinda hurt. Xander: (rubbing his cheek) Kinda?! What was that for? Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about *you*. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you. (offers his hand to help Xander up) Xander: (takes Oz's hand and gets up) I didn't touch her. I swear. Giles: (upset) Xander! Where's Buffy? (starts looking again) Xander: (to Oz) Amy turned her into a rat. Oz: (looks around) Oh. Giles and Xander get on their knees and look around while making squeaking noises. Oz crouches down to look as well. Giles: I don't see her. If anything happens to her, I'll... (looks at Xander in disgust) Oh, just go home. (stands up) Lock yourself away. You're only going to cause more problems here. Now, Amy, Jenny and I will, uh... try and break the spell. (the women stand up) Oz, if, if you could aid us in, in finding, um... Buffy. Oz: Sure. Absolutely. Xander starts to say something, but Giles cuts him off before he can even get out a word, doing his best to control his anger. Giles: Just go. Get out of my sight. Xander doesn't take it very well and stares at Giles for a moment with his mouth agape, but then goes with his head hung low. Oz crouches back down to look for Buffy. Oz: Buffy... Cut to the hall. Xander comes out of the library, still looking down, when he hears Cordelia cry out and looks down the hall toward her voice. Cordelia: What are you doing?! You guys are crazy! He sees a group of girls apparently involved in a catfight. Harmony: You thought you could do better, is that it? Cordelia: No, I... Cordette: We'll knock that snotty attitude right out of you! The crowd of girls opens a bit, and Xander sees that it is indeed Cordelia that they are attacking. He starts running toward them, and when they see him coming several of them break off and come at him, screaming and shouting. In their lust they try to grab him as the others push Cordelia to the floor. He fights his way through them and over to Cordelia, where one girl has begun pulling at her hair. Cordelia: Ow! Stop! When he reaches her, he pushes the hair-pulling girl aside, picks up Cordelia from the floor into his arms and shakes the girls off as he runs from the hall. They all chase after him. Cut to the library. Jenny paces while Giles sits at the table and goes through some books. Amy, seated opposite him, wipes the blood from her nose. Giles: You must have botched the ritual so that Cordelia's necklace actually protected her from the spell. Th-th-that one should be easily reversible. W-w-where did you learn animal transformation? Amy: (looks up at Giles) Why did you send Xander away? (Giles puts his hands to his eyes in despair) He needs me. Jenny: (chortles) That's a laugh. Amy: (to Jenny) He loves me. We look into each other's souls. Jenny: No one can love two people at once. What *we* have is real. Giles: Instead of making me ill, why doesn't one of you try to help me? Amy: (looks back into her pocket mirror) You have no idea what I'm going through. Giles: (gets up) (to Amy, sternly) I know it's not love. It's obsession. Selfish, banal obsession. (Jenny starts out of the library) Now, Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all about him, you'd help me save him, rather than wittering on about your feelings. Amy looks away from him. Jenny goes out the door. Giles pokes his fingers into the book in front of Amy. Giles: Now, let's get on with some work. (turns to Jenny) Now, Jenny... (sees she's gone) Great! Cut to an exit from the halls to outside. Xander and Cordelia come running out. Xander: I think we... (sees a crowd of girls waiting for them) lost 'em. Willow is at the front of the crowd holding a large fire ax. Willow: I should've known I'd find you with her. Xander: Will... Come on, you don't wanna hurt me. Willow: Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch. She raises the ax and advances toward him. The others start toward him as well. Harmony and her friends come running out of the hall now, too, and confront the crowd. The girls all scream and yell as they fight. Harmony grabs Willow's ax and wrestles her for it. Harmony: Get away from him! He's mine! As the girls all fight Xander and Cordelia make their escape. When the girls realize they've gone they start to give chase. Cut to the school basement door standing ajar. Buffy scampers in and hops down each step. She makes her way over to the boiler room. Oz has managed to track her and comes down the steps behind her with a flashlight. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he scans around, looking for where she went. Buffy goes into the boiler room, and Oz soon follows. A cat sees Buffy and meows meanly at her. Buffy squeaks and runs off. The cat chases after her. Cut to Buffy's street. Xander and Cordelia come running down it and slow to a walk. Xander: Okay, now I really think we've lost them. Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made *you* Elvis? Xander: (sees the house) Buffy's house. Let's get inside. I'll explain later. They run up to the door and Xander knocks fast and loud, looking back to see if the crowd of girls has found them yet. Cordelia joins in the knocking. Cordelia: (frantic) Come on! Joyce: (opens the door) Xander, Cordelia, what... They push their way in past her. Cordelia: Yeah, hi. She slams the door shut behind her, and she and Xander look out the small windows in the door to make sure there's still no one following them. Cut inside the kitchen. Xander walks in with Joyce and Cordelia close behind. Joyce: What happened? Why are you all scratched up? Where's Buffy? Xander: She's, um... around. Joyce: (gestures to a stool) Well, sit down and tell me about it. (Xander sits) (to Cordelia) Why don't you run upstairs and grab some bandages out of the bathroom? Cordelia goes down the hall toward the stairs. Joyce looks at Xander again. Joyce: Let me, uh, get you something to drink. You in the mood for cold or hot? Xander: I, uh... (shrugs with his hands) Joyce: (walks around behind him) I think it's (starts rubbing his shoulders) more of a *hot* night, don't you? (leans in and giggles) Xander: (drops his head to the table) Whatever. Joyce: (massages his shoulders) Ooo, you are so tense. (kisses his neck) Mm. Cordelia: (comes back) What are you doing? Make me yak! Joyce: (defensive) Cordelia, go back upstairs. This is between us. Cordelia: Gross! I think not. She grabs Joyce by the arm and pushes her back toward the door and opens it. Joyce: What are you doing? Hey! Get your hands off me! Cordelia pushes her out of the door, slams it shut and locks it. Cordelia: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former! (to Xander) Why has everyone gone insane? Xander: Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive? Cordelia: The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft. Xander: That is such a... (concedes) Well, yeah, okay, good point. Joyce breaks one of the kitchen door windowpanes. Cordelia: Oh, my God! Joyce reaches in and feels around for the lock. Joyce: Xander, honey, let Joycie in. Hon, let Joycie in! Xander gets up, takes hold of Cordelia and leads her out of the kitchen at a run. Xander: Upstairs! Buffy's room! Joyce: (finds and works the lock) Sweetheart... Cut to Buffy's room. They run in, and Cordelia slams the door shut. Xander goes to the window and checks outside. Xander: Good. The mob still hasn't found us. We should be safer up here. Just as he looks back from the window Angelus grabs him from outside. Angelus: Works in theory. He pulls Xander out onto the roof. Cordelia: (terrified) Xander! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The boiler room at school. The cat has apparently gone or been chased away. Buffy crawls around, trying to find the source of a scent. The camera pans behind some crates over to a trap baited with cheese. Cut to the roof outside of Buffy's window. Angelus grabs Xander by the shirt. Angelus: Where's Buffy?! Cordelia comes up to the window and looks out at them. Xander: Cordy, get outta here! Angelus throws him off of the roof to the lawn below. He leaps down after him and stands over him. Angelus: Perfect. (grabs Xander and pulls him up) I wanted to do something special for Buffy, actually to Buffy, but this is *so* much better! Xander knees him in the crotch, but Angelus isn't fazed. He flips Xander over backward onto the grass again. He bends down, grabs Xander's hair and lifts his head up. Angelus: If it's any consolation, I feel very close to you right now. A hand grabs Angelus by the shoulder, pulls him up and throws him aside into a tree. He hits it hard and slides down to the ground. Xander jumps to a conclusion and looks up at his savior. Xander: Buffy, how... Drusilla: Don't fret, kitten. (helps him up) Mummy's here. Angelus: I don't know what you're up to, Dru, but it *doesn't* amuse! She growls at Angelus and he growls back. Drusilla: If you harm one hair on this boy's head... (strokes his hair) Angelus: You've gotta be kidding. Him? Drusilla: Just because I finally found a *real* man... (turns Xander to face her) Angelus: I guess I really *did* drive you crazy. (backs away) Drusilla: (runs her fingers over Xander's lips) Your face is a poem. (moans) I can read it. Xander: (terrified) Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance? Drusilla: Shhh. (kisses him) How do you feel about eternal life? Xander: (trembles with fear) We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe? She grabs his hair and jerks his head to the side, exposing his neck. She moves in to bite him, but gets distracted by the screams of the mob of women running at them. Willow leads them with her ax. Jenny and the rest are right behind. Some of the others have weapons as well. Girl: There he is! Get them! Jenny: He's mine! Get off! Drusilla lets go of Xander. Willow shoves her aside. Jenny jumps onto Xander and knocks him to the ground. All the girls are screaming. Several of them including Harmony begin to paw at him. Willow stands over him with her ax. Cordelia comes out of the house and rushes toward the mob. Xander gets pinned down, and Willow raises her ax to strike. Willow: All you had to do was love me! Cordelia: No! She grabs the ax and shoves Willow over and onto the ground, then tries to free Xander. Cordelia: Get out of the way! Move it! Get off him! She pushes the one that has him pinned down off of him, grabs his hand and pulls him up. Cordelia: Back off! She pushes him ahead of her, and they start to run back to the house. They just manage to slam the door in the faces of their pursuers. Cut to outside the door to the kitchen. Drusilla hits it with both hands, and it goes crashing to the floor. Two girls rush in beside her. Girl: I love you! When Drusilla tries to follow an unseen force prevents from entering the house. Angelus watches from behind her. Angelus: Ahh! Sorry, Dru. (she turns to face him) I guess you're not invited. Cut to Xander and Cordy inside the front door. Joyce comes up behind them holding a large knife. Joyce: It's never gonna work for us, Xander. We have to end it. The other two girls come up behind her. Cordelia yells out in fright as Xander pulls her away from the door. Cut inside the basement. Xander and Cordelia rush in. He pulls the door closed behind him and hooks it shut. Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues scanning with his flashlight. Oz: Here, Buffy. Cut to the trap. The camera pans up from it over to a pile of rags. Buffy climbs over the pile and heads for the trap. Cut to the science lab. Giles and Amy have a beaker of brew going over a Bunsen burner. Giles checks everything and is satisfied. Giles: Right. (to Amy) Go on. You first. Cut to the basement at Buffy's house. The door is being yanked at violently. Xander has hammered a couple of boards across the doorframe and looks back at Cordelia. Xander: Gimme a nail! She hands him a nail and he goes back to hammering. Cordelia: If we die in here I'm gonna kick your ass! I mean it! Xander: (looks back at her) None of this would've happened if you hadn't broken up with me. But no, you're so desperate to be popular! (hammers) Cordelia: Me? I'm not the one who embraced the black arts just to get the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked! Xander: (looks at her) Would've worked fine, except your hide's so thick, not even magic can penetrate it! (hammers) She is surprised by that, and reaches out to him. He turns to face her again. Cordelia: You mean the spell was for me? They look at each other for a moment, then a knife blade stabs through the door. Cordelia screams, and they both run down the steps. Once at the bottom they hear glass breaking and see a hand reach in through the basement window. Girl reaching in: Oh, please let me touch you! Cut to the boiler room. Buffy crawls onto the trap. Cut to the science lab. Amy begins her chant. Amy: Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw. Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues looking for Buffy. Cut to the lab. Amy: Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart. Giles sprinkles a powder into the beaker and it sparks. Cut to the boiler room. A bright light begins to flash from behind the crate where Buffy is. Oz holds up his flashlight and squints against the light. In a few seconds it's over. Oz: Buffy? She raises her head and looks around from behind the crate. Cut to the basement at the Summers house. Cordelia screams as she and Xander run into the area where the washer and dryer are. Willow finally gets the door open. Cordelia: Oh, my God! Xander spots a large pipe wrench and grabs it to use as a weapon. Xander: Stay behind me. Willow ducks under the boards Xander nailed across the doorframe and starts down the stairs. Joyce is right behind her with her knife. A crowd of girls follows them. Cordelia and Xander retreat into the corner by the water heater. Cut to the lab at school. Giles takes a pinch of an herb from a jar. Giles: Um... Diana, goddess of love, be gone. He puts the herb into the brew and it sparks. Giles: Hear no more thy siren's song. Cut to Buffy's basement. Willow leads the way in. When they find Xander and Cordelia they all charge them, screaming and shouting. They knock Xander and Cordelia to the floor. The two of them have to fight off the girls' grabbing hands. Cordelia: Get off! Willow has dropped her ax and paws at them like the others. Xander struggles to keep from being torn apart. Cut to the lab. Giles waves Cordelia's pendant over the brew and drops it in. Suddenly a cloud of energy appears above them, and they have to hold on to the lab table to keep from being knocked down. The energy draws in from the windows and spirals down into the beaker. As quickly as it was there it's gone. Cut to the basement. The gang of girls stops struggling. Cordelia pushes one of them away. Cordelia: Get off me! They all stand up and look around at each other. Girl: What's going on? Where am I? What's going on? Cut to the boiler room. Buffy stands up and Oz raises his flashlight and shines it on her. She looks down at herself. He immediately raises the light away from her and turns it off. She hugs her arms around herself to cover up. Buffy: (smiles) Hi, Oz! Oz: Hi. Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here. Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside. Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing? Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere. (leaves) Buffy: (looks around) Really not an issue. Cut to Joyce's basement. Everyone is still confused. Joyce looks around at all the people in her basement. Joyce: What... What did we... Cordelia: (thinking quick) Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever. She and Xander smile at everyone lamely. Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander and Buffy come walking around the corner and continue toward the library. Buffy: Scavenger hunt. Xander: Your mom seemed to buy it. Buffy: So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I should probably start worrying. Xander: Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular. Buffy: It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right? Xander: Mostly, but, uh... Willow won't even talk to me. Buffy: Any particular reason she should? Xander: How much groveling are we talking here? Buffy: Oh, a month, at least. (they stop and face each other) Xander, come on, I mean... this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us... Xander: You remember, huh? Buffy: Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't. Xander: Need cheese? Buffy: Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said. Xander: C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch and go there... Buffy: You came through. There might just be hope for you yet. Xander: Well, tell that to Cordelia. Buffy: You're on your own there. She goes off down the hall leaving Xander alone. Cut to the colonnade. Cordelia, Harmony and friends come walking around under the balcony and head toward the foot of the stairs. Harmony: Cody Weinberg called me at home last night. Cordelia: Cody Weinberg? The one with the 350sl? Harmony: The very one. Said he's thinking of asking me to the pledge dance on Thursday. Cordelia: That's so huge! Harmony: Yeah, there's just two other girls he's gonna ask first, and if they refuse, then I'll... Xander bumps into Harmony as they round the corner to the stairs. Harmony: Watch it! Xander: Sorry. Harmony: God! (looks him up and down) Y'know, I'm glad your mom stopped working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. (to Cordelia) Oh, that reminds me. (Xander starts away) Did you see Jennifer's backpack? It is *so* a crying... Cordelia: (interrupts) Harmony, shut up. (Xander looks back) Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep. Harmony: I'm not a sheep. Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm *way* cooler than you are 'cause I'm *not* a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? (Xander smiles) I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. Xander's smiles fades at that. Cordelia leaves the group and goes over to him. He smiles again. When she reaches him she takes his arm and they start walking together along the colonnade. Cordelia: (breathing hard with anxiety) Oh, God! Oh, God! Xander: (pats her hand) You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin'. Cordelia: Oh, God, what have I done? They're never gonna speak to me again! Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot. Cordelia: You promise? Xander: (takes her hand in his) You can pretty much count on it. They both smile as they continue walking.
Plan: A: Valentine's Day; Q: What holiday has everyone on edge? A: Cordelia; Q: Who dumps Xander to appease her friends? A: Crushed, Xander coerces; Q: How does Xander get Amy to cast a love spell? A: Sunnydale; Q: What town is Xander's love spell cast in? A: Cordy; Q: Who is the only woman who is not attracted to Xander? A: A smitten Dru; Q: Who saves Xander from Angelus? A: the screaming mob; Q: Who will save Xander from? Summary: Valentine's Day has everyone on edge. With secret reluctance, Cordelia dumps Xander to appease her friends. Crushed, Xander coerces Amy to cast a love spell, but it goes awry and every woman in Sunnydale, except Cordy, becomes pathologically attracted to him. A smitten Dru saves Xander from Angelus, but who will save him from the screaming mob?
ACT ONE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment FADE IN. Frasier comes stomping in from his room, Martin yelling at him from behind. Martin: Don't walk away from me when I'm yellin' at you! Frasier: I'll walk away from you if I want to! It's my house! Martin: Yes, don't I know it! You have no respect for my stuff! Frasier: Yes, well if you had labeled the cassette "Rodeo Bloopers", I wouldn't have taped over it, I would have thrown it away! Frasier storms out the front door. Martin sits in his chair and starts to read a paper. Frasier comes back in, contrite. Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry. Martin: Forget it, Fras. Frasier: You know, it's just that I've been so tense lately, being out of work. Martin: I know, I know. It's not easy, us both being home so much. Frasier: Yeah, well I suppose that during this little in-between-jobs period, we should just try to be extra careful not to get on each other's nerves. Martin: All right, I'll do that. Frasier: Good. [He notices something on the table by the door.] Dad, what's this? Martin: Oh, a call came in for you. Frasier: Rebecca Wendell! Oh my God! Martin: Isn't she that model you've been after? Frasier: Not just a model, Dad, a lingerie model! I met her at the symphony. Wow, this is amazing! When did this come in? Martin: About an hour ago. Frasier: I was here an hour ago. Martin: Yeah, you were in the tub. Frasier: [going to the phone] That didn't stop you yesterday when you came in to ask me if a peach smelled funny! For God's sake, Dad... Martin: I'd like to know how this is my fault! I put it right there in the special message bowl that we're all supposed to use. Frasier: Ah, it's her machine. Well, thanks a lot, Dad! I've been looking forward to this for months! Martin: Well, now you know how I feel about the rodeo tape. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, the two things have no comparison whatsoever...! [charmingly into the phone] Hello, Rebecca, it's Frasier. Sorry I missed you. Please try again. Uh, bye. [He hangs up.] Well, I hope you're happy! Now I have to sit here all afternoon waiting for the phone to ring! Martin: As opposed to what you normally do? Frasier: Oh, that's rich coming from you! A man who's spent the last five years welded to his aptly named Lay-Z-Boy! Martin: [getting up] Well, I'm not so lazy that I can't get the hell out of here! Frasier: I haven't finished talking to you, yet! Martin: Well, I've finished listening! Frasier: As usual, running away from the problem! Martin: Not the problem, the yammering! You want to tape over somethin'? Try your mouth! He slams the door on his way out. Frasier stands there, furious. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa FADE IN. Martin is sitting at a table by the counter, Roz comes in. Roz: Hey, Martin. Martin: Oh, hi, Roz. Roz: Decaf latte to go, please. So, is Frasier here? Martin: I hope not. Roz: Uh-oh. She sits at the table. Martin: Oh, he's just been such a pill lately. Roz: Well, you know, it's tough for people when they're out of work. They just get a little tense and irritable. [The waitress brings Roz a coffee cup.] To go! I said to go! [To Martin] So why don't you two take a little break from each other? Have you ever thought about, I don't know, staying with Niles for a while? Martin: Out of the frying pan into the fire, huh? Roz: Well, think about it. Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time. Martin: That's true. And Maris is out of the picture now. Roz: You know, I just thought of something: for a while there, your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. [Martin laughs] Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving! Martin: Yeah. Niles comes in. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Hello. Roz: Niles. Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I? Roz: [taking Martin's hand] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. [Martin smiles and pats her hand.] Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. Martin is shocked, but Roz and Niles just make faces at each other. Niles: [to waitress] Latte, please. Roz: So Martin, why don't you tell Niles your new idea? Martin: Well, actually, it was Roz's idea, but I think she might have something, you know? You know, Frasier and I have been kinda buttin' heads lately... Niles: Well, Frasier has been very difficult. I don't know how you live with him. Martin: Well, that was Roz's idea. She suggested that I move in with you for a while. Niles: [dumbstruck] Did she? Martin: Yeah. You know, we talked about it when I first got shot, but of course Maris was the problem. So I guess the big question now is: do you still want me? Niles: [a fake smile pasted on] Oh, don't be silly. I want you just as much now as I wanted you then. Martin: Well, I guess this is gonna work out. Thanks, Roz. Roz: Don't mention it. The look on Niles's face is thanks enough. She grabs her coffee, gets up and leaves. Niles: Now, Dad, you're sure it won't bother you to live so far from the park and McGinty's? Martin: Oh, no, no, not at all. There's a bus stop right in front of your place. Eddie and I don't mind takin' the bus. Niles: [realizing] Eddie? Eddie. You know, I just remembered, Dad, my building doesn't allow dogs. Martin: Oh, well that's it, then. 'Cause I'm not leavin' Eddie. Niles: Oh, of all the horrendous luck. Martin: Oh, well, thanks anyway. I guess I'll just look for a little place. Can't be too small, though, 'cause I gotta have a bedroom for Daphne. He starts thinking. Niles is pouring cream in his coffee and freezes in thought himself. We can see it takes careful concentration for him not to spill any. Niles: You know, Dad. About that no dog rule: I could talk to Clarice, the head of our co-op board. Martin: Oh, really? You think they'd make an exception? Niles: Well, let's just say she's bent quite a few rules in her day, and if she doesn't want her husband to find out, she'll bend this one. Martin: Oh, that's great! Niles: Yes, well, then it's settled. Daphne can move in straight away. [Martin looks expectant.] YOU and Daphne. Martin: Great! They both smile. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment Frasier is getting some sherry. Niles and Martin come in the front door. Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. Niles: Frasier, where's Daphne? Frasier: I think at the market. Hello, Dad. Martin: Ah, Frasier, about this afternoon... Frasier: Look, let's just drop it, all right? All's well that end's well, and this afternoon ended very well indeed. Martin: Oh, your underwear model called? Frasier: Mm-hmm. Just after you left, actually. We spoke for about an hour, and we're having dinner on Saturday night. Martin: [hanging up his coat] Well, that's great! I hope everything works out. Frasier: Actually, Dad, on that score, uh, you could make yourself scarce that night. Martin: Well, actually, I'm movin' in with Niles for a couple of months. Frasier: Well, have some confidence in me, Dad, it won't take me that long. They laugh. Martin: Nah, no, no, no. I mean it. Niles and I have been talking about it. Niles: Yes. And I think it's a fine idea. Frasier: Well, you know, I know I've been out of sorts lately, Dad, but I hope I haven't made you feel unwelcome... Martin: No, no. It's nothin' like that. Listen, I've been livin' under your roof for five years now, you've earned a little time to yourself. He heads for the kitchen. Frasier: Still, maybe you should sleep on it for tonight... Niles: Frasier, Frasier, please. You've had a chance to get closer to Dad these past few years and I wouldn't mind having that same chance myself. Frankly, I'm a bit jealous. Frasier: Well, I am sorry, Niles. I guess I haven't been seeing this from your angle. Daphne comes in the front with a bag of groceries. Daphne: Hello, all. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Frasier: And quite a little angle it is, too. Martin comes back from the kitchen. Martin: Oh, Daph, let me ask you somethin'. How would you feel about movin' in with Niles? Daphne: Are you serious? Niles: Yes. Daphne: Just me? Niles: Yes. [recovering] No, no. And Dad. Martin: Just 'til Frasier goes back to work. It's been a little crowded around here. Daphne: Well, I won't argue with that. You know, Dr. Crane has quite a few stairs, are you sure you can manage them? Martin: [sitting] Oh, sure. Nobody knows better than you how my well my hip's gettin'. Niles: [taking the bag from her] Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get you packed. Daphne: Wait a minute. [Niles stops and turns.] I was hired as Mr. Crane's physical therapist. If he can make it up and down that staircase of yours, he really doesn't need full time care anymore. This is hard for me to say, but maybe it's time I moved on. Niles drops the bag, Frasier picks it up. All three men are stunned. Daphne: We all knew this day would come sooner or later. Martin: What about my exercises? Daphne: You'll do fine on your own. Believe me, it's not like I want to move on, I'm very fond of you all. I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better. [Martin nods in understanding, Frasier and Niles share a look.] My work here is done. I have to go where I'm needed. All the others start talking. "We need you." "Dad needs you." "You're needed." Daphne: It's not like I'm leaving right this minute. I'll help you get settled in while I look for a new job. Niles: But Daphne... Daphne: Oh, please, don't make a big fuss about this. You'll just make me cry. This is no time for tears. Niles sinks onto one of the dining chairs. Martin: Well, I guess you know what's best. It's sure gonna be lonely, though, just the two of us. Daphne: It won't just be the two of you, you'll have Eddie. As she exits, Eddie jumps on Niles's lap. He breaks down crying. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene One - Niles's Apartment FADE IN. Martin is reading on the couch. Niles comes in from the kitchen and notices that Eddie is on the dining table, walking around and around the centerpiece. Niles: Dad? Martin: [not looking] Eddie, whatever you're on, get off. Eddie jumps off the table. Niles returns to the kitchen. Reset to: the kitchen. Daphne is on the phone. Daphne: I've been on hold with my employment agency forever. [into phone] Yes, I'm here. Nothing at all, not even part-time therapy? Well, I'll stay in touch. Bye-bye. Niles: So, no job yet, eh? Daphne: No, unfortunately. Still, tragedies happen every day. I mustn't give up hope. Niles: I wish you'd consider staying here with us. I don't know how Dad's going to manage without you. Daphne: He doesn't need me anymore. Niles: Nonsense. I know he puts on a brave front, the plain truth is, the man is practically an invalid. Martin hurries in chasing after Eddie. Martin: All right, come back here! Daphne: [laughing] What's he got now? Martin: Oh, my sneaker. You give me that back or I'm not taking you for your speed walk! He chases Eddie back to the living room. The doorbell rings. Reest to: the living room. Martin opens the door for Frasier. Martin: Oh, hi Frasier. Frasier: Hi, Dad. Hi, Niles. Forgive me, I know how annoying it can be to drop by without calling first. Niles: Oh, don't worry, I used to do it all the time. Frasier: That's how I know. Hello, Eddie. Got a little surprise for you, something you left at the house. There you are. He gives Eddie a squeak toy. Eddie grabs it and begins causing it to squeak loudly and rapidly. Niles, trying to trim a plant, jerks violently. The doorbell rings again and Frasier opens both sides of the double doors. Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, you'll get used to it. Oh, and Dad, I've got a little surprise for you as well. Just a minute. All right, boys, bring it on in here. Movers bring in Martin's chair, to Niles's horror. Martin: Oh, great, here it is! Now the place is starting to look like home. Frasier: Yes, and finally so is mine! Martin: Well, I'm just gonna go finish unpacking. He starts upstairs. Niles: Well, you just follow him up with that. Martin: Oh, no, no, leave it right there. That way I won't get my pizza cheese all over your fancy chairs. He goes upstairs. Niles: Doesn't the cheese go in your mouth? Frasier: Well, that's certainly the goal, Niles, but you can't hit that bulls eye every time. Niles: OK, this isn't working out, you have to take him back now. Frasier: Niles, he's only been here for eight hours. Niles: I don't care. I only signed on for this because Daphne came in the bargain and now she's leaving and Frasier, you have to help me, I'm desperate! Martin: [calling from upstairs] Niles, which wall should I hang my swordfish on? Niles: [horrified] None of them! I just had that room frescoed! He rushes up the stairs. Frasier goes into the kitchen. Reset to: Kitchen. Daphne is again on the phone. Frasier: Daph... Daphne: Thanks, Ronny, you're a life saver. Bye-bye. [She hangs up.] Frasier: Well, good news on the job front? Daphne: Yes, a friend of mine just got me an interview. It's an elderly woman suffering from brittle bone disease, poor thing. Frasier: Well, normally I'd say "Break a leg", but... Daphne: Oh, I'm gonna miss you. All of you. [They hug.] But like I told your brother, there's simply no reason for me to stay as long as your father's so strong and healthy. There is a loud crash from the living room and Martin howls in agony. Frasier: Oh, dear God. He and Daphne rush to the living room. Reset to: the living room. Martin is lying at the bottom of the stairs. Frasier and Daphne rush to help him. Frasier: Oh, my God! Dad! Daphne: Oh, are you all right? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: What happened? Niles: I don't know. Daphne and Frasier help Martin up and he sits on the arm of his chair. Martin: We just got tangled up there. Niles: Dad, I am so sorry! Martin: Don't worry about it, it was an accident. Daphne: Well, you do seem to be in one piece. Still, it was an awfully big fall. Dr. Crane, would you help me get some ice? Niles: Good thinking, Daphne. I know I could use a drink. She gives him a look as they head into the kitchen. Martin: Boy, that was so weird. Niles just kicked my cane right out from under me. Frasier looks up at this. Martin: Yeah, I know he wants to keep Daphne around here, but I didn't think he'd go that far. [laughs] Frasier: Well, no, not deliberately, but maybe he was acting on an unconscious level. Martin: What are you talking about? I was just making a joke. Frasier: Oh. Well, then just-just skip it, Dad. Martin: No, no, wait a minute. You think Niles was actually trying to hurt me? Frasier: No, no. It's just that... well, sometimes, when the motivation is strong enough, the unconscious can cause a person to act in ways that the conscious would find unthinkable. Martin: So you're saying that this wasn't an accident. Frasier: ...Ah, it's a crazy theory. I'm sorry I even brought it up. You know what? I, uh, I think I'll be off now. Off to my bachelor pad, I have a date with a lingerie model. Ha, ha, ha... "bachelor pad, lingerie model" - the sweetest words in the English language. Martin: I'm sorry I won't be there. Frasier: Wait. We have a tie! He leaves as Niles and Daphne return from the kitchen. Niles: Frasier. [He closes the door after him.] Daphne: All right, Mr. Crane, I need you to take a seat so I can ice your hip. Martin: Oh, I'm fine. Why is everyone making such a fuss? She helps him sit in his chair. Daphne: Wait, don't sit down! Martin: [jumping up] What?! She reaches down and picks up the clippers Niles had left on the seat. Daphne: You nearly impaled yourself. Niles: Oh, thank you Daphne. I don't know what it is about these things, they keep ending up in the oddest places. He takes the clippers and heads for the kitchen. She helps Martin sit again, putting the ice pack on his hip. He has a VERY nervous look on his face. [SCENE_BREAK] HOME ALONE Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment Frasier comes in the front. He looks around his apartment, sans Martin's chair, and smiles, clutching the bottle of wine he's holding to his chest. He walks to the dining table, running his hand along HIS chair (the Wassily) on the way, and sets the wine down. He presses the button on his answering machine. Rebecca: [v.o. from the machine] Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca. Your voice sounds so sexy on your machine. Anyway, I loved talking to you this afternoon and I was thinking: instead of going to a noisy restaurant, maybe we can just stay in tonight. Open some wine, curl up in front of a fire. Just a warning though, I'm coming straight from a shoot, so I'll be wearing my work clothes. [She giggles.] I can't believe I just said that. Throughout this, Frasier has been grinning and smiling at each new bit. When it is done, he pours himself a sherry, then takes it and the answering machine to the small table by his chair. He sits, picks up his sherry and hits the button again. Rebecca: Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca. Your voice sounds so sexy on your machine. Anyway, I loved talking to you... Frasier smiles and sips his sherry. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Niles's Apartment Niles is in the spare bathroom, washing his hands. Martin comes in. Martin: Boy, the floors around here are so slippery! Niles: Yes, I, I just had them polished. Martin: Well, I wish you would have told me, Eddie just slid into a wall and chipped a tooth. Niles: Well, Dad, I can assure you there will be no slipping in here. [Gesturing to the bath.] Look: a brand new safety rail installed just for you. And, as requested, traction decals! Martin: [leaning over the tub] Oh, I don't need to worry about falling in... [The rail collapses under the pressure of his hand.] Niles: Oh, Dad, are you OK? Martin: Wow, yeah. It's a good thing I wasn't in the shower, I could have cracked my head open. Niles: Guess I'm not much of a handyman, am I? Martin: [looking nervous] You put this thing up yourself? Niles: Yes, my contractor was out of town. Don't worry, you can use my bathroom to shower. Just let me know when you do. The plumbing's a bit temperamental and if I were to run the dishwasher, you might be horribly scalded. He lets out a little laugh and exits. Martin: [following] You know? I took an extra long shower yesterday, you know? That oughta hold me. CUT TO: the living room. Niles is coming down from the landing with Martin behind him. Niles turns back. Niles: You sure you don't need a hand? Martin: Just keep movin'. As they reach the bottom, Daphne comes in the front. Daphne: Guess what? I got the job! I can't believe it! I start in the morning. Niles: You what? She starts up the stairs, Niles following. Daphne: I'll tell you all about it later. I've got to call my employment agency right away. She hurries upstairs. Niles turns back to Martin, a look of mixed nervousness, desperation and cunning on his face. Niles: I can't let her leave. I just can't. Martin: [nervous] Well, there's nothin' we can do about it. Niles: [coming down the stairs, his look becoming more cunning] I still have a day. I just have to be more resourceful. Martin: [fear on his face] Like how? [stumbles back against a pillar] Niles: It's my problem, not yours. I just have to think. Fresh air, maybe that'll calm me down. When he reaches the landing, he looks out the window. Niles: Oh, look at the sunset! Dad, come join me on the balcony. He exits off the landing. Martin races for the front door. Martin: Eddie! Get outta here! Quick! Come on, come on, come on! He and Eddie rush out. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. Fade in. Frasier has set the apartment up for his date and is just pouring the wine. The doorbell rings and he goes to it, using a remote to start romantic music on the stereo. He makes some suave moves as he gets into "date mode." Opening the door, he finds Martin. Frasier: Dad! Good lord, what are you doing here? [He uses the remote to shut off the stereo.] Martin: We gotta talk. Frasier: Now? It's not a good time. Martin: But it's getting spooky over at Niles's. Frasier: Well, yes, yes, I know it's a little unsettling the way he changes into that Chinese dressing gown after dinner, but you'll get used to it. Martin: No, no, no. I think his unconscious is trying to hurt me. Frasier: Oh, Dad, that's preposterous. Martin: No it isn't. Frasier: Can't we talk about this in the morning? Believe me, there is no way your own flesh and blood would try to hurt you. He closes the door, hitting Martin in the face. He opens it back up to check on him. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Martin: Well at least let me get Eddie's pillow out of my room, will you? Frasier: All right, all right, just hurry it up, will ya? Martin goes back to his room as Frasier closes the door. The doorbell rings and Frasier again starts the music and gets into "date mode." He opens the door to reveal Daphne. Frasier: Daphne! [He shuts the music off.] What is going on? Daphne: I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time. Frasier: Well, actually, I'm waiting for a date! Daphne: I'll just run in and out, I need to pick up my... [she starts crying]...exercise mat. Frasier: Oh, good lord. Is everything all right? Daphne: I'm sorry. I think I'm just a bit nervous about my new job. Frasier: Yes. Daphne: I'll be all right. Frasier: Yes. Daphne: I just wish, I just wish I didn't miss being here so much. [She starts crying again.] Frasier: Oh, Daphne, oh, I'm sorry. Listen, you're going to be just fine. You know, transitions are always difficult. [The doorbell rings and he shoves her towards her room.] The trick is just not to rush them. Again he starts the music and goes into his routine. Opening the door, he finds Niles. Frasier: Niles! [He shuts the music off.] What the hell are you doing here?! Niles: I'm going out of my mind. I am this close to living under the same roof as Daphne. If I could just... Frasier: All right, Niles, before you go on, let me just say one thing. Niles: What is it? Frasier: Get out! He starts to shove Niles out. Niles: Wait, wait! I need to talk about this. Frasier: Get out! Niles! Martin: [coming from his room] Is that Niles? Niles: Dad! Dad, why did you run off? I've been looking for you everywhere. Martin: No, Niles, just stay away from me. Niles: What? Martin: Now, Niles, I'm not mad at you, just your unconscious. It wants Daphne to stay around so bad that it's been tryin' to hurt me. Niles: What? Martin: Well, Frasier can explain it better. Niles: Exactly who is hurting whom and what does any of this have to do with... [seeing her as she comes in] Daphne. Daphne: Oh, look. We're all together again, just like... [crying again] old times. Niles: [rushing to hold her] Oh, dear. Frasier: Oh, God. Well, we certainly do have a lot to talk about. I tell you what: let's all meet at Niles's for breakfast tomorrow. He pushes Niles and Daphne towards the door. Martin: I'm not gettin' in the elevator with him. Frasier: All right Dad, Daphne, go in shifts then. You first. Daphne: All right. Daphne and Martin go out. Frasier: So long. Eddie, you too, shake a leg mister. Let's go, outta here, move it, move it, move it. [Eddie scurries out and Frasier closes the door behind him.] Niles: You actually convinced Dad I was trying to harm him? Frasier: Oh, Niles, I did no such thing. I simply advanced a theory, I had no idea he would take it to heart. Niles: Oh, balderdash! Frasier: Please, Niles, surely it's occurred to you that your desire for Daphne's forcing you to behave in very strange ways. Or do you shove Dad down the stairs every day? Niles: That was an accident! Frasier: Oh, Niles, any psychiatrist worth his salt knows that there are no accidents. No one would do something like that, however unconsciously, unless they stood to gain from it. There is a thump from outside and Martin is heard bellowing in pain. Frasier: Oh, dear! He and Niles hurry out. Reset to: the hallway following them. Martin is on his back on the floor, Daphne hovering over him. Frasier: Oh, my God! Niles: Oh, thank God! [realizing] ...we're here to help! Martin: What did you kick my cane for? Daphne: It was an accident! I was playing with Eddie! Martin: My hip's killing me! Frasier: Dad, don't worry about it. Niles has that nice comfy bed you can recuperate in. Martin: I can't go up and down those stairs now! Niles: I think the best thing would be for him to stay with you again for the time being. Daphne: He'll need full time attention, I'll cancel my job right away. Frasier: All right, just hold it! Nobody's canceling anything! For God's sake, the man just fell down a flight of stairs today, he could hardly have been hurt worse stumbling in a carpeted hallway! The elevator opens with Rebecca inside. Frasier reaches down and tries to pull Martin to his feet. Frasier: Get up, ya big crybaby! No pain, no gain. Martin: Oh, no, but it hurts! Frasier: Oh, Dad, boo-hoo! I want you out of here! I don't care if you have to crawl like a bog turtle! He finally notices Rebecca. Frasier: Oh, Rebecca. [He grabs the remote and turns on the stereo.] I didn't see you standing there. Why don't you just step on over my father, help yourself to some wine? Rebecca: What kind of a heartless b*st*rd are you?! [pushes the button] Frasier: Oh, no, Rebecca, you don't understand. It's not the way it looks. He's very resilient! He's been shot before! But she's gone. Daphne: Dr. Crane, we really should get him inside. Frasier: [a crushed look on his face] Yes. Just give me... a moment. He goes into his apartment, wandering around, absorbing the last moments of his "bachelor pad." He gets a glass of wine, sits in his chair and takes a sip, a look of total sorrow on his face. Frasier: All right, bring him in. Niles and Daphne bring Martin in. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is at the door, directing the movers bringing his chair back in. We pan across to see Daphne, lounging on the couch and talking on the telephone. The pan continues to find Eddie on the dining table, walking around and around the centerpiece. We end up on Frasier, leaning in the kitchen doorway, depressed and drinking wine straight from the bottle.
Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is out of work and single? A: numerous arguments; Q: What has Frasier been having with his father? A: Martin; Q: Who is afraid that Niles is trying to harm him? A: a spell; Q: How long does Martin consider moving in with Niles? A: a new position; Q: What does Daphne look for when she realizes that Martin no longer needs a live-in physical therapist? A: his father's cane; Q: What does Niles kick away while moving Martin into his apartment? Summary: Frasier is out of work and single, and has been having numerous arguments with his father. Martin considers moving in with Niles for a spell. Daphne considers that Martin no longer needs a live-in physical therapist , and looks for a new position. While moving Martin into his apartment, Niles kicks away his father's cane and he falls over. Martin becomes increasingly afraid that Niles is unconsciously trying to harm him to prevent Daphne from leaving.
(A satellite hovers over Earth.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Some people think there's a conspiracy. That the government eavesdrops on everyone. It's no conspiracy. (Rooms full of hard drives, network wires. Satellites are lined up in a field. A computer database flicks through a facial recognition system picture archive.) SYDNEY: (vo) Right now, satellites and ground stations are listening in. (Someone speaks on the phone and we zoom through the mouthpiece.) SYDNEY: (vo) Faxes, e-mail communication, phone calls, are all routed to high-speed voice and optical recognition computers. They can analyze words spoken and written in any common language on Earth. (Cut to Sydney and Will in their kitchen. Will pours them something from a blender in two glasses. Looks like they just got back from jogging.) SYDNEY: The system's called Echelon. WILL: Yeah, I heard about Echelon. I just don't understand how it's legal. So, what, it's just like a computer that listens to and reads everything? SYDNEY: Yeah, looking for key words. The system scans two million conversations an hour. WILL: Yeah, while shamelessly violating the Constitution. SYDNEY: The National Security Agency argues it's one of its most important weapons against terrorists. And that they don't abuse the system. WILL: Somehow that's... unreassuring. SYDNEY: Well, there's this man named Gerard Cuvee who figured out how to hack into Echelon. He was able to pick up secure military communications. (Flashback to a building exploding on the top level.) SYDNEY: (vo) Because of that, he was able to locate and destroy a US military lab in Dresden. (Back to the kitchen.) SYDNEY: In London, we shut down Cuvee's access to Echelon and, thank God, kept it away from SD-6. WILL: So you get Echelon, you become Big Brother. SYDNEY: The best thing about this mission, this guy that I work with -- this sweetheart, Marshall -- was pulled out of SD-6 and taken into protective custody. The CIA's gonna give him a life. A real life. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know he's safe. (The torture room where Marshall is being kept. Men pry open his mouth with a dentistry tool. He gasps.) SUIT AND GLASSES: You took something that doesn't belong to you. My employer would like it back. (He squeezes something out of a tube into Marshall's wide open mouth.) MARSHALL: Oh, please, help, oh-- (Marshall gags and coughs. Suit and Glasses address his men in a foreign language and they take off the brace.) MARSHALL: No, please, no, no-- (They put duct tape over his mouth. Suit and Glasses looks at the tube he just used to pour in Marshall's mouth.) SUIT AND GLASSES: Epoxy... is a binary compound. You have just ingested the resin. Alone, it's not toxic. But a combination with a hardener... (He squeezes the hardener into a glass with the epoxy.) SUIT AND GLASSES: ...the epoxy cures, passing from a liquid state to a gel state... (The liquid froths and becomes a gel in the glass.) SUIT AND GLASSES: ...to a solid state. (He picks up the now rock hard glass and taps it against the tray.) SUIT AND GLASSES: This transformation will puncture your vital organs, block your windpipe, causing you to suffocate. (They rip off the tape on Marshall's mouth.) SUIT AND GLASSES: So... let's start over. The Echelon operating system -- where is it? (At Francie's restaurant, Sydney sits across from Francie at a booth and takes a sip of coffee. Francie looks up.) FRANCIE: What? SYDNEY: I have a crush on a guy from work. FRANCIE: Really? Who is he? SYDNEY: Someone in my department. We've worked together for about a year now. FRANCIE: You're kidding me. What's his name? SYDNEY: Michael. And he's... I don't know how to describe him. He's smart... and he's funny. He's so cute. FRANCIE: Hot cute, not goofy cute. SYDNEY: Hot cute. FRANCIE: So why haven't I met this guy? SYDNEY: He has a girlfriend. FRANCIE: Of course he does. SYDNEY: Which is ultimately irrelevant anyway. The-the bank has a policy against coworkers dating. FRANCIE: You know you could quit. SYDNEY: Francie-- FRANCIE: Look, I don't know what kind of hold this bank has on you-- SYDNEY: They don't have a hold on me, I just can't quit my job! FRANCIE: It's not that they treat you poorly, which they do, but the thing is, I haven't heard you talk like this in forever. No one in the free world works as hard as you. SYDNEY: I know it seems that way-- FRANCIE: Maybe you and Michael are destined. Maybe he can quit. SYDNEY: I got to go. (At the task force operations center, Sydney, Vaughn, Kendall and Jack stand around.) SYDNEY: What's wrong? VAUGHN: Marshall was abducted. SYDNEY: What? KENDALL: Our plan was to intercept him on his way home from LAX-- SYDNEY: I know what our plan was. JACK: The extraction team was about to move in when they saw this. (They watch footage on a monitor of the abduction.) VAUGHN: We ran the plates on one of the SUVs. It was rented by Charles Williamson, we put his photo ID through a facial recognition database. It matched a known associate of Gerard Cuvee. SYDNEY: What steps are being taken? JACK: CIA's got one team radiating out from the abduction point and another one in London retracing his steps. SYDNEY: Our steps. The mission in London was my op, Marshall was my responsibility. VAUGHN: Before being captured, Marshall e-mailed Cuvee's copy of the Echelon access program to SD-6. SYDNEY: We took away Cuvee's access to Echelon and gave it to SD-6? JACK: Yes, but when SD-6 downloaded the program, they discovered a problem. (Meeting in Sloane's office with Sloane and Jack.) SLOANE: Marshall's e-mail was broken up into packets of data and routed to SD-6 via internet service providers around the world. However, there was a malfunction and several data packets were not transmitted. Without them, we cannot access Echelon. JACK: Can we fill in the missing pieces? SLOANE: I'm told it'll take six months and even then there's no guarantee. JACK: Do we know where the error occurred? SLOANE: A government-operated facility in Ho Chi Minh City. I'm sending in Sydney and Dixon to retrieve them. JACK: Who's leading the team to recover Marshall? SLOANE: We've changed his access codes. There is nothing that Marshall can tell Cuvee that could possibly hurt us. JACK: He will be tortured. Most likely, killed. SLOANE: Oh yes, I'm sure he will be. I've already contacted SD-4. There'll be a replacement in op tech by morning. JACK: (vo) That was the extent of his concern. (Back to the op center.) JACK: It was as if someone had overcooked his steak. SYDNEY: Well, you know what Cuvee's going to do. He's going to try and get Marshall to reverse-engineer the software and get it back on-line. JACK: Yes, but you need two things to get on Echelon. The software and an access point. Software is like a map, it leads you to the doorway of the system. The access point is the door, most likely a satellite. If we can find the door Cuvee went through and lock it, he won't get on, not even with Marshall's help. KENDALL: The problem is diagnostics has run a comprehensive system analysis and they can't find the breach. VAUGHN: Your mother thinks Cuvee may have used a Russian network to make contact -- their version of Echelon called Swarm. SYDNEY: She told you that? JACK: I spoke to her. She thinks she can find the back door but she has... terms. (Flashback to Jack meeting with Irina at her cell.) IRINA: If you want to know where Cuvee breached the system, it'll take time but I could do it if I were given access to Echelon, no restrictions. JACK: Kendall will never give that to you. IRINA: Then I would simply ask you to inform Mr. Kendall that the technicians he'll assign to do the job will discover it is like quicksand. (Back to the op center.) KENDALL: Your father was correct. I declined the offer. Second to only Arvin Sloane, Irina Derevko is the last person I want having access to the US government's secure network. SYDNEY: She'd be watched. I mean, if she tried anything unusual, we could just shut the system down-- KENDALL: No. Access to computers and telecommunications equipment is specifically prohibited by your mother's immunity agreement. SYDNEY: I think we might be wasting time. KENDALL: Agent Bristow, we hire qualified technicians around here. What do you say we give them a shot? VAUGHN: Your countermission is simple: in Vietnam you'll download the data packets SD-6 is looking for and switch it with this. It's corrupted data. We'll have what SD-6 needs and they'll never be able to access Echelon. And Syd, we'll find Marshall. (Torture room.) SUIT AND GLASSES: I will ask you one more time... where is the Echelon software you took from us? MARSHALL: I swear on my mother's grave, I don't know. (A tear falls down his cheek.) MARSHALL: And though technically Mom's still alive, she has picked out her gravesite, so-- SUIT AND GLASSES: Refusal to cooperate has a price. MARSHALL: No, no, no, no, no. (They pry open his mouth. Suit and Glasses takes the tube of hardener and places it near Marshall's wide open mouth.) SUIT AND GLASSES: We can find your mother. MARSHALL: Okay. (whimpers) Okay, okay, okay. (They take the device off.) MARSHALL: I sent the Echelon software to SD-6. There's nothing I can do about that, I swear. But-but I saw the code. All of it. And I have a photographic memory so I can recreate it. I can rewrite it. Just don't hurt my mother, please. You leave my mother alone. SUIT AND GLASSES: We're off to a very good start. (At SD-6, Jack walks to his office and sees a guard standing outside. Kane is at his desk, typing on his computer.) JACK: What are you doing? KANE: Downgrading your network privileges. Pending the outcome of my investigation, your security clearance has been revoked. JACK: Get out of my office! KANE: When Emily was killed, you claim you were in Taipei. JACK: It is a fact, not a claim. KANE: When the blackmailers stole a hundred million dollars of the Alliance's money in exchange for pictures of that murder, you were-- JACK: On assignment in Istanbul. KANE: Doing back channel, unsupervised work that you conveniently arranged for yourself. JACK: I am a senior officer with discretion to arrange and carry out assignments as I see fit. I will not be subject to a witch hunt! KANE: You have no protections here, no civil rights, no civil liberties or reasonable doubt. See that I'm not disturbed again. GUARD: Yes, ma'am. (Jack storms out.) (At the ops center, Jack walks in and approaches Vaughn and three other agents standing around.) JACK: Get everyone you can from op tech now. Notify assets in Istanbul, Taipei and Azerbaijan we'll need immediate assistance in forging hard evidence of my being in each of those locations on specific days and times. (to Vaughn) We have a situation. Ariana Kane, head of Alliance counterintelligence, she's investigating me in connection with the murder of Emily Sloane. VAUGHN: She's, what, checking your aliases, places you've been through the agency? You're covered for that. JACK: Yes, passport stamps, plane tickes, enough to withstand a cursory inquiry. This is anything but cursory. I did not kill Emily Sloane but I do have secrets and the last thing I can afford, the last thing Sydney can affod, is someone discovering that my loyalty does not lie with SD-6. (Ops center. Jack speaks to Vaughn while another female agent brings Jack a steering wheel and a shifter to place his fingerprints on.) FAGENT: Got the prints for Istanbul... (Jack holds the steering wheel like he's driving, touches the shifter like he's shifting.) FAGENT: This goes with the car you rented in Taipei. JACK: We back dated phony charges through my credit card to these locations? VAUGHN: Restaurants, rental car agencies, hotels... FAGENT: Room charges. They'll be on file with the respective concierges by morning. JACK: Good. (They leave; Craig approaches Vaughn.) CRAIG: Bad time? VAUGHN: Yeah. CRAIG: What else is new? Uh, you left word with analysis when Tippin's psych profile came back you wanted to be informed? VAUGHN: Yeah. CRAIG: Anything I should know? VAUGHN: Just run protocol and bring him in. CRAIG: You got it. VAUGHN: Thanks. (Vaughn joins Jack and another agent who sits in front of a computer.) JACK: What about surveillance? COMPUTER AGENT: I thought about roto-scaping you out of some other surveillance feed, but if they slow down the frame rate, they'll know it was altered. That's why we went with the green screen. This is the original sureillance feed from the Istanbul intercontinental. (On one monitor, people walk through a lobby.) COMPUTER AGENT: And this is the footage that we filmed earlier. (On another monitor, Jack is dressed in casual clothes and walks past a green screen.) COMPUTER AGENT: Do some pixel-masking and we get... (He types a few buttons and the green screen Jack is now super-imposed into the first surveillance feed, walking through the lobby with everyone else.) COMPUTER AGENT: Look, I even gave you a shadow. VAUGHN: We've got your fingerprints on rental car keys, seat belt buckles, hair samples stitched into pillow cases... JACK: Good. I want to review everything. VAUGHN: Jack, I think you're good-- JACK: Thinking isn't sufficient. I want to know. VAUGHN: (nods) You're right. JACK: I want to see the plane tickets. (At Ho Chi Minh City, Sydney walks in wearing a business suit and goes to the guard sitting in the lobby.) SYDNEY: Nina Bales from Tech Sky Industries. I'm here to see Mr. Nguyen. (Dixon sits in a van nearby on comm.) DIXON: Accessing the system now. Should be in mid-presentation. (Sydney is now leading a lecture in an auditorium.) SYDNEY: Thank you for giving Tech Sky the opportunity to talk with you about our micro-satellite technology. (She speaks in Vietnamese and asks for the lights to be dimmed. They are.) (Flashback to SD-6 with Dixon and Sydney.) DIXON: At your direction, the projector will emit a high intensity pulse strobe light that flashes at the same frequency as human brain waves, effectively rendering the targets unconscious. SYDNEY: I can get the data packets and return and they won't even know I've been gone? DIXON: For three minutes they'll experience it like a daydream. Any longer and they'll regain consciousness and you'll be found out. Now, make sure you get these glasses on first. They're time synchronized to the pulses, so you'll be unaffected. (Back to the lecture.) SYDNEY: A small constellation of satellites in low-earth orbit is cheaper to launch and maintain than a traditional satellite network. And if one micro sat fails, the entire system need not be replaced. What you're looking at is a typical Tech Sky package. SYDNEY: ...is cheaper to launch and maintain than a traditional satellite network. And if one micro sat fails, the entire system need not be replaced. What you're looking at is a typical Tech Sky package. DIXON: Okay, Syd, do your thing. I'm almost in. (She puts on the sunglasses and it flashes.) DIXON: Okay, Syd, I'm in. (The men are passed out in the audience.) SYDNEY: Lan Nguyen, is that right? DIXON: Right. His ID will give you access to any room in the ministry. (She runs to the aisles and leans over. She finds Nguyen's badge and yanks it off his chest.) DIXON: The data packets are in the hard drive which are located in the server room. Two levels down, room 206. You've got three minutes. (Sydney runs down the stairs and gets to the level. She puts the ID card in and enters. She runs to the wall of hard drives and starts checking.) DIXON: Syd, you've got two minutes to find the right hard drive. SYDNEY: I'm not getting a positive signal. Data packets aren't on drive one or two. And drive three is missing. DIXON: Is there a serial number on the third bay? SYDNEY: 657-33P-YY2. (Dixon types on his computer.) DIXON: That hard drive is in for repairs. SYDNEY: Where? DIXON: Level one, room 147. SYDNEY: I'm on my way. DIXON: No, the repair room is just off the lobby. I'll go. Meet me at the extraction point. SYDNEY: Dixon, no! (He rips off his earpiece and gets ready.) SYDNEY: I'll make it! (At the lobby, Dixon walks in and speaks to the guard at the front desk.) DIXON: Robert Milton, I'm here for the Tech Sky presentation. GUARD: One moment, please. DIXON: Yeah, I'm so late already, my boss is gonna kill me! (Dixon is taken down the hall by the guard. When they come to the right spot, Dixon grabs him and throws him inside room 147. Dixon elbows him in the face and punches him. The guard falls. Dixon moves to the table of hard drives and starts looking for the right one. Sydney enters.) SYDNEY: I told you I could make it! DIXON: Start over there, work towards me. (Sydney starts checking, as does Dixon. Dixon gets to it first.) DIXON: Got it. Okay, let's get out of here. (He walks out. Disappointed and conflicted, Sydney doesn't move. No opportunity for the switch.) DIXON: Sydney! The guards will be here any minute! (She leaves, reluctantly.) (Back in LA, Sloane speaks to Dixon and Sydney at SD-6.) SLOANE: This is a great victory. You both should be very proud. DIXON: Thank you, sir, but our thoughts are with Marshall. Has there been any word? SLOANE: No, I'm afraid not. But our efforts continue, as do our prayers. (Self-storage meeting with Vaughn and Sydney.) SYDNEY: So now SD-6 has everything it needs to access Echelon. VAUGHN: Any idea on how long before it's up and running? SYDNEY: Midnight tomorrow at the latest. You should've seen the look on Sloane's face when we got back. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy about a mission. He said he was praying for Marshall. VAUGHN: Listen, about Marshall -- one of our teams traced Cuvee's unit that abducted Marshall to a safe house outside London. (Flashback: the guards, fully armed, walk into the safe house.) VAUGHN: (vo) By the time they got there, it was abandoned. It was wired with four pounds of C-4. (One of the guards hits a wire that was there for intruders. A key slips out of a bomb.) (Back to the self-storage.) VAUGHN: Never had a chance. And it gets worse. In light of the tragedy, the director has ordered a hlt in the search. So for the moment, Marshall's on his own. (Speaking of Marshall, he's sitting at a computer. Suit and Glasses sits in his wheelchair nearby and one of his men has a gun pointed to the back of Marshall's head.) MARSHALL: You think maybe he could point that somewhere else? All right. Nevermind. It's not.. it's, um... (At Francie's restaurant, Will has bottles of ketchup stacked up on top of each other, dripping the last remnants of the bottles into new ones. Francie sits across from him.) FRANCIE: You know, Syd's sleeping off another business trip. WILL: Yeah. Dublin, I think. FRANCIE: Glasgow. WILL: (re: ketchup) Two more, I set a world record. FRANCIE: Will, I'm serious. Last week it was Buenos Aires, before it was Tokyo. I mean, it never ends. WILL: Francie, you know how much that used to bug me, right? I mean, I complained about it constantly. But her job, you know, what she does, it's important to her. FRANCIE: I don't care, I'm still worried about her. Ever since Danny died, all she does is work. Oh, but now there's this new guy. (Will looks up.) FRANCIE: You should have heard her talk about him. She sounded so happy. WILL: She... told you about a guy? FRANCIE: Yeah. Somebody from work. Michael something. You know him? WILL: No. FRANCIE: No, of course not, 'cause the jerks at the bank where she slaves won't let them date because it's against the rules. WILL: So they're not dating? FRANCIE: No. No, he's actually dating somebody else. She's just pining. Oh, you know what, the mailman left this for you. (She shows him a little card.) FRANCIE: Guess there's a package for you at the post office. (Will walks in the back storage area of a post office and finds Vaughn.) VAUGHN: Hey, Will. I got your psych report back. You did well. WILL: I'm not a sociopath. VAUGHN: Well, I didn't say that. WILL: Do I have a job? VAUGHN: Yes. WILL: A paying job? VAUGHN: Yes. As an analyst. You'll be asked to review classified documents and file reports. Think of it as writing articles only now your source material is classified. In fact, your cover is a journalist. WILL: What does that mean? Am I an agent? (Vaughn laughs.) WILL: What? VAUGHN: Agents are field-trained. You're an analyst. You're desk-trained. You sit at a desk. WILL: That's cool. VAUGHN: The agency operates a monthly travel magazine called "Trade Roads." There's a small LA office. Go there when we page you. The material we'll need analyzed will be there when you arrive but don't remove them from the building. When you're done filling out the paperwork just give it to Bill, he'll make sure it's processed. WILL: I get health insurance? VAUGHN: Welcome to the CIA. WILL: Thank you. (They shake hands.) WILL: Listen... obviously, you're a good guy and I can't tell you how much I appreciate this job and what I'm going to say is inappropriate. Sydney cares about you, and what you guys have, or don't have, means a great deal to her. I want to make sure you respect that. (At the SD-6 offices, Sloane looks over the shoulder of an agent who is at a computer. The Echelon software is 58% recompiled. The satellite hovers over Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At the ops center, Kendall addresses a group of agents which include Sydney, Vaughn and Jack.) KENDALL: I just got off the phone with the director again and he asked me again if I knew we were in the intelligence business. SD-6 is by our best estimates, less than twelve hours away from accessing Echelon which will give them all the intelligence capabilities of the CIA. Our efforts to prevent Gerard Cuvee from reaccessing Echelon ended in tragedy. Four agents killed. As far as we know, your SD-6 tech ops officer Marshall Flinkman could already have Cuvee up and running again. (Cut to Marshall typing at the computer.) (Continued, the ops center.) KENDALL: As for Derevko's intel on Swarm, info sec has been unsuccessful in their search for a back door access point. (All of a sudden, monitors go black and computers go down. Kendall, Jack, Sydney and Vaughn walk to the tech agent whose name is Rick. He is at a computer.) KENDALL: What the hell just happened? RICK: I had to shut down the system, Swarm detected I was mapping its network and spit out a virus. (Sydney looks at the screen. The virus is called quicksand.) SYDNEY: My mother knew this would happen. That's the word she used: quicksand. KENDALL: She might have set up the virus! SYDNEY: Damn it! Why keep her here if you're not going to use her? KENDALL: (to Jack) You have said Derevko turned herself in as part of a plan, something we can't see. If you were right, then giving her access to Echelon could only help that. JACK: In this instance I think she would be an asset. (Sydney visits Irina at the cell.) SYDNEY: They found it. Quicksand. IRINA: I told your father my terms. Full access to the network, no restrictions. SYDNEY: Dad fought for you on this. Don't make him regret it. (Irina smiles.) (Upstairs, Irina is led into the ops center with various US Marshals escorting her. Other agents stop walking and stare at her. She calmly looks at them all and walks to a computer where Kendall, Jack and Sydney wait. Rick gets out of his seat and gives Irina his chair. She puts her hands out and Kendall motions for one of the US Marshals to do it. He unlocks the handcuffs. Irina sits at the computer.) IRINA: I'll need to send an access code. KENDALL: How will we know you're not signaling your operation? IRINA: You won't. (Kendall looks at Jack.) KENDALL: Do it. (She starts typing.) (Kane watches the surveillance footage of Jack walking.) AGENT: Looks clean. KANE: Slow it down, two hundred per cent. (He does so.) AGENT: It's still good. If this was faked, it's the best job I've ever seen. KANE: Is this the last of the surveillance feeds? AGENT: Karachi, Istanbul, Taipei... yeah, that's it. (Another agent walks in and hands Kane a piece of paper.) AGENT2: I think you should see this. (In Sloane's office, he monitors the recompiling on his desktop. It's at 62%. He talks on the phone.) SLOANE: Yes, yes, we should have full access to Echelon in a matter of hours. (Kane enters.) KANE: Forensic report. SLOANE: Okay, Alain. Yes, I'll let you know as soon as we're fully operational. Yes, absolutely. Merci, au revoir. (He hangs up.) KANE: Brain matter was found in the barrel of one of Jack Bristow's service pistols. According to the munition log, he checked out a Glock 19 compact for one day, reported a single accidental discharge and no casualties. SLOANE: I thought you were here to invesigate the events surrounding my wife's death. KANE: The day Bristow checked out this weapon, killed someone with it, and covered it up, was the day your wife was murdered. SLOANE: Do you have enough cells to do a DNA profile? KANE: Already being done. SLOANE: Well, if it matches with Emily, I want you to let me know immediately. KANE: Of course. (Marshall types at the computer while the two henchmen keep watch with their guns pointed at him.) MARSHALL: Hey, you guys like cherry Pez? You know, cherry Pez? The little candy, comes in the little superhero thing? Yeah, I collect the dispensers. I thought I had the largest collection in the world. I actually wrote the Guiness Book of World Records about it. Well, they sid that there was a girl in Australia, nine years old, with a collection larger than me. Which kind of sucked 'cause you know, she's so much younger than me and uh... I'm so much older than her so... I'm kind of hungry, you guys got some snacks? Or your probably... (They yell at him in foreign language and hit him on the back.) MARSHALL: I agree. (Dixon walks into the server room at SD-6.) DIXON: Something's wrong with my computer, I can't get online. Can you check it out? SERVER AGENT: Someone has launched a denial of server attack on us. We're getting pinged over and over. It's slowing down the network. DIXON: That's odd. They didn't spoof the origin IP. How can someone be smart enough to hack in here and forget to cover their tracks? (Marshall types at the computer as Suit and Glasses comes in on his wheelchair. He yells at the henchmen who grab Marshall and yank him from his seat.) MARSHALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What-what's going on? What? SUIT AND GLASSES: We have a firewall. You broke through it. I want to know why! MARSHALL: I was just trying to download an mp3 off of Audiogalaxy. Look, am mp3. You know, a music file? This, I am seventy-five per cent done with, I just thought the rest of it would go a lot faster with some tunes. I'm just going to show you the mp3. (He types and Sammy Hagar starts playing.) MARSHALL: You like Sammy Hagar? (They stare at him.) MARSHALL: I'll, uh, go bck to the program. (Gun pointed at his head, he types.) (Dixon walks in the offices at SD-6 and goes to Sydney's desk.) DIXON: Come with me. (In Sloane's office, Dixon and Sydney.) SLOANE: Marshall's in Mexico City? DIXON: He signaled us through the computer. We traced him through the IP address he used. SLOANE: Huh, uh, okay, I'll notify the extraction team at once. SYDNEY: We'd like your permission to conduct the operation ourselves. SLOANE: Yes, of course. (They leave. 78% recompiled.) (At the ops center, Irina types on her own computer. Vaughn keeps watch. Kendall leans down to her.) KENDALL: Are you making any progress here? IRINA: Like Echelon, Swarm has access points. If I can locate the directory we will know if there are any accessable points. VAUGHN: That way we could keep SD-6 and Cuvee off the system. IRINA: I'd like a coffee please. (Kendall looks at Vaughn.) VAUGHN: Cream or sugar? (Irina turns and gives him a look.) VAUGHN: Black. IRINA: Thank you. (Jack hangs up his cell phone in the ops center and turns to Vaughn.) JACK: Kane called a meeting. VAUGHN: Does she know anything? JACK: Unclear. But I'm told she has two units from security section prepared to take me in. I have to be ready for anything. (Jack and Ariana are at a restaurant, sitting at a table outdoors. Jack looks at the menu.) KANE: I have to admit, I'm impressed. I've rarely found a record as well-documented as yours. You couldn't have been more thorough if you tried. JACK: If I may ask, what is it you're looking for? KANE: There are only two pieces of evidence I haven't been able to corroborate. Help me with them, and we're finished. (Not far away, Vaughn and Craig sit in a surveillance van.) CRAIG: Damn. She's got the place wired. VAUGHN: Jack, we make six agents from security section. KANE: Every time you make a phone call on your STU, the SIM card on your cell phone communicates with the local cell tower. Those communications are recorded on the card's memory chip. It's kind of like a mini travelogue. JACK: Yes, I'm fully aware... (His voice fades out as Vaughn and Craig scramble in the van.) VAUGHN: We'll need the cell tower signal codes for Istanbul, Karachi, and Taipei. Jack, listen to me. What pocket is your phone in? If it's the left jacket pocket, hold up one finger. In the right pocket, hold up two. (Jack pretends to look at the menu and rests his chin in his hand, putting one finger against his cheek.) WAITER: You two ready to order? (The waiter reaches in and slips Jack's phone out of his pocket.) JACK: Not yet. Thanks. (The waiter leaves. Kane watches suspiciously.) JACK: You have my phone records. KANE: Which we both know could easily be forged. So, I'd like your phone. (She puts out her hand for it.) JACK: You said there were two things. KANE: Who is Steven Haladki? JACK: He was a CIA agent loyal to Irina Derevko. KANE: Whom you murdered. (Vaughn's stunned.) KANE: We found brain matter in the gun you fired on the day Emily was murdered. I admit, I thought DNA tests would prove that you killed her but instead they proved you killed Haladki. JACK: We had reliable intel that Derevko was accessing information through the CIA. Her source turned out to be Haladki. He was crucial to her operation and had to be removed. (In the van, Vaughn is still stunned but it's all business for Craig.) CRAIG: I got the tower codes, we can't wait for Bristow's phone. Give me yours. Vaughn! Give me your phone. (Vaughn does so.) CRAIG: The card's been reprogrammed, I'll stamp Jack's serial number on your SIM card. YOu'll have to switch them out. Here you go. (Craig puts the stamp and hastily gives it to Vaughn.) KANE: If Haladki worked with Derevko, why hide is death from Sloane? (Behind their table, Vaughn walks past the waiter and drops the newly stamped phone to him.) JACK; The death of a CIA agent draws unwanted attention and focus. When it happens, the safest recourse is to say nothing... ever. (The waiter drops the new phone into Jack's pocket and pours water for them. He leaves.) JACK: Are we through? KANE: As soon as I get your SIM card. JACK: Yes. Of course. (He casually gets the phone and hands over the card.) KANE: I'll be in touch. (She waves as Jack gets up and walks away. As he's walking he looks down at his hand and sees the ink from the still wet stamp on his finger. He knows he's caught and starts to walk faster. Back at the table, Kane looks at the SIM card and notices the smudge Jack made. She wipes at the ink and sees that it's wet.) KANE: Move in on the package! (Several agents start running out of nearby buildings. The look for Jack but he is gone. The surveillance van, with Craig driving, rumbles past. In the back, Jack and Vaughn sit across from each other. Vaughn stares at Jack with pity and disgust. Jack looks back at him.) (In Mexico City, there's a rooftop party and Dixon's the DJ, wearing dreadlocks and "cool" clothes. Sydney walks through the crowd in a JLo-inspired outfit with a jet black wig and moves through the dancing bodies. She looks up at Dixon.) DIXON: Are you ready to partaaaay?!? (His monitors are right beside the DJ equipment.) DIXON: Syd, I'm ready to receive. SYDNEY: (smirking) Are we ready to party? DIXON: I speak nine languages. Techno is not one of them. (He bops along to the music. At the edge of the roof, Sydney takes off her bag and opens it.) SYDNEY: I'll need cover... now. (Dixon increases the volume of the music as Sydney shoots the trigger across the way. A pronged line lands on the roof of the building next to them.) SYDNEY: Dixon, wish me luck. (She zip-lines her way across to the next building and climbs up. She moves to the transmitter door and flicks at it.) SYDNEY: I've piggybacked into the surveillance feed. Are you getting the signal? (Dixon watches the monitor next to his DJ stuff.) DIXON: One second. (types) Okay, Syd, I'm in. (He looks for Marshall by switching cameras on the monitor.) DIXON: He's in the storage room on the forty-seventh floor. Take the eastern stairwell. Room should be the second door on your left. (Sydney apparently doesn't make the 47 connection -- the room with the red virus ball was held in room 47, Rambaldi's page 47...) SYDNEY: Guards? DIXON: I make two. I'll lock the elevators, secure all access doors. That should keep everyone else away but Syd, be careful. (The tech agent walks in Sloane's office.) AGENT: Program's done. We'll be uplinked to Echelon in two minutes. SLOANE: Excellent. (Marshall looks at the two guards.) MARSHALL: Whew. Tell your, uh, boss or whatever that I'm finished. The program's written. (The satellite's in the sky.) (At the ops center, Kendall leans over Irina, who types.) KENDALL: You said you would find ones that overlap. IRINA: I said I would find out if they overlapped. KENDALL: And if they don't? IRINA: Then I can't help you. (Marshall watches as Suit and Glasses types on the computer. The Echelon software window pops up. He smiles. But then a game of Pong starts instead. Marshall wrote a program for Pong, not Echelon. Marshall starts laughing crazily. He stands up.) MARSHALL: You know where you can go, you FREAK? Any idea?! SUIT AND GLASSES: Kill him. MARSHALL: Straight to hell, my friend! STRAIGHT TO HELL! (Sydney sneaks in, just in time to see Marshall being lowered to his knees, his hands behind his head. They point their guns at him.) SUIT AND GLASSES: And kill his mother. (Sydney runs in and roundhouse kicks one of the guards. She kicks the other one, twice. Grabs the first guy's gun and twists his arm around. It cracks. She takes him by the neck and throws him to the ground. Marshall picks up the fallen gun. Sydney kicks the last guard as Suit and Glasses stares in horror. She looks at him for a moment. And then roundhouse kicks him, sending him backwards, falling off his wheelchair and to the ground.) SYDNEY: Hi. MARSHALL: Wow. (He throws her the gun.) SYDNEY: Let's go. MARSHALL: Yeah. DIXON: Syd, we've got a problem. I've been locked out. Their security system is operational. Get out of there now. (Sydney runs to the door with Marshall and opens it up. The guards are coming their way, shooting at them.) SYDNEY: Come on, come on. (They hide behind another wall, Sydney shoots back at the door.) SYDNEY: Dixon, we're trapped! DIXON: I'll get over to you now. SYDNEY: There's no time! (She shoots back at the door again. Marshall runs over and grabs the chair he was sitting in.) MARSHALL: Argh! (He throws the office chair out the window.) MARSHALL: Come on! (Sydney runs over to the now open window.) SYDNEY: Marshall, we're on the forty-seventh floor! MARSHALL: Remember when we flew to London? I compessed a high glide tactical parachute in the lining of my jacket? Well, as luck would have it, this one's got it to. Along with a hyper-extending tandem sling. Come here. (He pulls Sydney to him and locks the sling around her waist.) MARSHALL: I got it. (He looks at Sydney.) MARSHALL: Hi. My name is Marshall J. Flinkman and I'm here to rescue you! (Sydney can't help it and nods. Together they jump out the window. Marshall's parachute goes off and they land safely.) (Kendall looks at Irina.) KENDALL: If this was some kind of manipulation... (She types.) IRINA: The overlapping access points. As promised. (She stands up. Rick sits down and starts typing.) RICK: Confirming a match with Echelon right now. IRINA: Close the access points and SD-6 will be shut out. (She walks back to her cell with the marshals.) RICK: We have confirmation. It's a match. (In Sloane's office, he talks to Alain Christophe yet again on the phone.) SLOANE: As promised, Alain, we have Ecehlon at our disposal. Oui. (The tech agent walks in.) AGENT: I'm afraid something's happened. (Self-storage facility meeting.) SYDNEY: So Marshall saved our lives. How did I return the favor? By bringing him back to SD-6. VAUGHN: We had to, Syd. Bringing Marshall into the CIA didn't make sense anymore, not after Sloane got the Echelon program. SYDNEY: I know. It's just... Marshall has no idea who he's really working for. (At SD-6, Marshall is patted on the back by coworkers. He hugs Dixon. Sydney walks by and watches. He talks to Dixon for a moment before nodding at Sloane, who shakes his hand and then gives him a warm hug.) (Self-storage, continued.) SYDNEY: It won't always be like this, right? VAUGHN: It will end. SYDNEY: I should go. (After a disappointing day at work, Sloane comes home to his mansion. He walks into a darkened room, his coat still on.) JACK: Do not turn on the lights. SLOANE: You shouldn't hve run from her, Jack. JACK: Kane needs someone to blame since she can't find who really murdered Emily. She's decided to blame me. (He takes a step forward.) JACK: I did not murder your wife. But if I don't find the person who did, Kane will frame me for it. I have some leads, I need you to pursue them for me. (He hands a file over.) JACK: Can I trust you to do that? SLOANE: Of course. This will stay between us. (Jack leaves. Sloane turns on a lamp and picks up the phone once he's gone.) KANE: Hello? SLOANE: Agent Kane, Arvin Sloane. Jack Bristow just left my house.
Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Who confides in Francie about her feelings for a fellow co-worker? A: Marshall; Q: Whose life is in danger after completing his first mission with Sydney? A: Ariana Kane; Q: Who suspects Jack of being the prime suspect in the disappearance of Sloane's wife? A: Vaughn; Q: Who learns the truth about Jack's involvement in the murder of Haladki? A: Haladki; Q: Who was the CIA agent that Jack was suspected of killing? A: special guest star Faye Dunaway; Q: Who portrayed Ariana Kane? Summary: After completing his first mission with Sydney, Marshall's life is placed in mortal danger. Meanwhile, Ariana Kane suspects Jack as being the prime suspect in the disappearance of Sloane's wife. Vaughn learns the truth about Jack's involvement in the murder of CIA agent Haladki and Sydney confides in Francie about her feelings for a fellow co-worker. Ariana Kane is portrayed by special guest star Faye Dunaway
In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name...Merlin. Inside the castle. Merlin wanders running. He enters inside the royal room. Merlin : Hello !? He enters inside Guinevere's room. Merlin : Hello !? He enters in the council chambers. Merlin : Hello !? Castle corridor. Merlin runs. Throne room hall. Merlin runs and joins Arthur. Arthur : Well ? Merlin : I've searched everywhere. Arthur : Merlin, it's not just me you're keeping waiting. Merlin (Chocking) : How's it my fault !? Arthur (whispering) : The Queen can't just disappear. Merlin : Well, where is she ? Arthur : That's was I sent you to find out ! Merlin : Do you know how big this castle is ? Arthur : Funnily enough, I do Merlin : Then perhaps, you should have a look Arthur : Merlin, look, is there anything you're actually capable of doing ? Merlin : Putting up with you A woman clears throat. Arthur : Oh, well ... Arthur and Merlin look back. Arthur : Guinevere... Guinevere : I'm sorry I'm late. Arthur : Late ? (turn back to Merlin) Not at all. Plenty of time. Arthur and Guinevere come into the Throne room. Sefa and Merlin follow them. Throne room. Arthur : Noble knights of Camelot, countrymen, friends. I welcome you to this meeting of the Round Table. For three long years we have been blessed with peace and prosperity. But now, it's seems a shadow has been cast across our lands. Vision of a snowing place and Gwaine is walking. Arthur : Sir Gwaine set off for Ismere some six weeks ago. With him went threescore of our finest men. There has been no word from them since. Gwaine and his men look at the snowing horizon. He look back to face grumbling wolfs. Gwaine (screaming) : Run ! Gwaine runs, pursued by the wolf. The wolf finally hurts him. End of the vision. Throne room. Arthur : At my request, Sir Elyan led a search party to the wastelands of the north. He found no trace of Gwaine or his men. It is as if they have vanished from the face of the Earth. Vision of a snowing place. A wolf howls near Gwaine inconscious. Morgana comes. ***Opening Credits*** Snowing place. Morgana drives a sleigh pulled by wolves, transporting Gwaine. Ismere castle's courtyard. Gwaine is taken by Morgana's men. Ismere castle. Throne room. Ruadan : The last of the Camelot patrol. Morgana : How long before Arthur sends more ? Ruadan : Calm yourself. There's nothing to worry about. Morgane : You're wrong. We're running out of time. Ruadan : Prophecies do not lie. Arthur's bane is real. Once it is known to us, his end is nigh. Morgane : So you keep saying. Yet you cannot tell me what it is. Ruadan : The Diamair will tell us. The Diamair is the key to all knowledge. Morgane : And where is this key ? Ruadan : It is here beneath your feet. Morgane : For three month we've been searching and what have we found ? Nothing. Ruadan : It is but a moment compared to the eternity of knowledge. The key will bring. Morgane : If I find that you've lied to me... Ruadan : Patience is the stepping stone to wisdom, Morgana. Morgane : You think I don't know that after all that I've been through ? For two long years I saw nothing but darkness. Patience and I are old friends. The door opens. Two knights come, supporting Gwaine. They threw him to the floor. Gwaine : Lady Morgana, we really have to stop meeting like this. A knight hurts him. Morgane : You're not looking so pretty now, are you, Sir knight ? Gwaine : I would appear not. Morgane : Arthur should know not to send his men so far north. Gwaine : Well, get on with it, then. Kill me. Morgane : I will. But first you're going to have to help me find something. Vision of a cave and men digging. Camelot. Private council chambers. Knights, the King, the Queen and Gaius around the table. Elyan : We know Gwaine and his men crossed the pass here, at Isulfor but beyond that, there was no trace. The trail went cold. Arthur (to Elyan): What of this story that the fortress of Ismere has been occupied once more ? Elyan : I heard many rumours, sire. All of them had one name in common. Morgana. Arthur : Then we have no time to lose. Gaius : What if the rumours are true Sire ? You may be walking into a trap. Arthur : The knights of Camelot do not abandon their own. Gaius : Morgana knows that. She'll be waiting for you. Arthur : These men have fought for me, bled for me. Guinevere : May I make a suggestion ? What if you were to take a different route ? Approach Ismere from the west. Arthur : Through Annis's lands ? Gaius : It would certainly take Morgana by surprise. Arthur : Would Annis grant safe passage to so many armed men ? Leon : I believe she would, Sire. Arthur : Dispatch a rider immediately. We'll follow at dawn. Remember, if we're to succeed, no one must know of our intentions. Merlin get out of the room and hit Sefa. He drop her fruit plate. Merlin : Sorry. He helps Sefa to pick up the fruits. Sefa : It's fine, really. I'm the one who should apologise. Merlin : What for ? Sefa : I keep getting you into trouble. Merlin : Ah. I'm used to it. Arthur : Merlin ! Merlin (to Sefa) : You should hear him when he's really angry. Arthur : MERLIN ! Merlin : Like now. If you need help with anything, let me know. Sefa smile, Merlin proffers a fruit bowing. Sefa : Thank you. Entrance of the castle. Arthur, Merlin and the knights leave the castle. Inside the forest. Merlin (to Arthur): Do you think Gwaine and Percival are still be alive ? Arthur : I have to find out. They're knights of the Round Table. It's a bond we share. Merlin : I understand. Arthur : If it was you who'd disappeared, Merlin, I wouldn't bother. Inside the cave. Percival and Gwaine are digging. Gwaine (to Percival) : Do you find the others ? Percival : Every last one. Gwaine : Do they know what we're searching for ? Percival : Some kind of key. Gwaine : The key to what ? Percival : I don't know. But the men say Morgana is obsessed. She won't rest until she finds it. Gwaine : Let's hope we won't succeed. Setting of a plain. Arthur and his knights ridding. Arthur : The gorge marks the start of Annis's lands. Elyan : It's prime ambush territory. Arthur : Take some men and follow the ridge line. Arthur and his knights go on. Elyan comes. Elyan : There's something you need to see. They arrive in a village. There are death people everywhere. They search in the rubble. Voice : Emrys ! Merlin stops. Voice : Emrys ! Merlin goes to a cave. Voice : Emrys ! Merlin arrives near a sleeping old man. He treats him when he wakes up. Merlin : What happened to you ? Who did this to your village ? Old man : That it happened at all is all that matters. I have been haunted by this moment for many years. Since long before you set foot on this Earth, Emrys, I have waited for its arrival with sorrow in my heart. For even as Camelot flowers, so the seeds of her destruction are being sown. The prophets speak of Arthur's bane. You would do well to fear it, for it stalks him like a ghost in the night. Unless you act quickly, Emrys, even you cannot alter the never-ending circle of his fate. Merlin has a vision. A battle. Swords clash. Arthur is inside the battle. He fights with a young man. And the young man kills Arthur. Arthur : Is he alive ? What is it ? Merlin gets out of his vision, frightened. He says nothing. Arthur : Come on, Merlin. You've seen a dead body before. As soon as we give these people a proper burial, we're moving out. Camp. The knights are sleeping. Merlin wakes up. Merlin : O drakon , e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anakes ! Merlin (to the dragon) : I need to know about a Druid symbol. A black spiral. Within it, a thin yellow coil. Kilgharah: It is the mark of a Vates. A Druid seer. Where did you encounter him ? Merlin : On my journey here? He warned me of Arthur's bane. Kilgharah: His bane ? Merlin : And then he show me a battle. A terrible battle. Arthur was fighting for his life. I saw him wounded. I saw him fall. Kilgharah: The Vateses' power of prophecy is unrivalled. Even by a high priestess. Merlin : So, this battle will come to pass ? Kilgharah: I do not know, young warlock, but one thing is certain. This was no chance meeting. Merlin : You think I should heed his warning ? Kilgharrah: There was a time when the words of a Vates were considered a gift. Merlin : Then why do they feel like a burden ? Kilgharrah: A wise man is not cowed by knowledge, Merlin. Instead, he uses it to guide him. Merlin : How ? Kilgharrah: That is something only you can decide. But remember, the Vates singled you out for reason. Now more than ever it is you and you alone that can keep Arthur safe. Tomorrow morning. Inside the forest. Arthur and his knights ridding. Annis kingdom. Throne room. Arthur and his knight come in. Arthur : Queen Annis. Queen Annis : Arthur Pendragon. Arthur : I'm most grateful that you have allowed us safe passage through your kingdom. Queen Annis : We are allies, Arthur. And these are troubled times. Camelot. Royal room. Sefa serves meal to Guinevere. Guinevere : I can't eat this I'm sorry. Sefa : I'll get you something else, my lady. Guinevere : No. If you could just sit with me. Sefa sits. Guinevere : Are you hungry ? Guinevere hands her the plate. Guinevere : Eat. Please. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Not knowing if he'll return. Sefa : You love him. I understand. Guinevere : Do you have someone you worry about ? Sefa nods. Guinevere : But no someone you talk about. Sefa : No, my lady. There's no greater warrior than the king. He will return. Guinevere : I know. You're right. Thank you. Queen Annis's castle. Diner room. Queen Annis : What you saw at Asgorath is no surprise. Some months ago, Saxons began raiding our villages. They're rounding up all the men they can find and taking them to Ismere. Arthur : To raise an army ? Queen Annis : People say Morgana is tearing the citadel apart. Arthur : Why ? Queen Annis : She must be searching for something. I dare not think what. Arthur : Then my men may still be alive ? Queen Annis : Yes, there is every chance. I think it's time for some entertainment. I would love to see your fool perform. Given all his failings, he must have some skills. Arthur (looking at Merlin) : You'd think so, wouldn't you ? You heard the queen. Jump to it. Merlin : I'm not a fool. Arthur : That's debatable. Merlin : And I don't have any skills. Arthur : I know that. But we can refuse the queen when she's granted us safe passage, can we? Leon take the carafe of Merlin's hands, Arthur applauses smiling. Merlin incants a spell and he starts juggling, under the very eyes of Arthur. King Arthur's room. Merlin look at the fire thinking. Arthur : Where did you learn to juggle like that ? Honestly, I didn't even know you could catch. Merlin : Yes, well, I have many talents you failed to notice them that's all. Arthur : Come on, out with it. What's wrong ? Merlin : I'm not sure we should go to Ismere. Arthur : Did you not hear Annis ? My men are alive. Merlin : You don't know that. Arthur : Stick to juggling Merlin. Leave the important things to me. Merlin : But... Arthur : Here. Arthur throws his boots to Merlin. Merlin doesn't catch them. Arthur : See ? Explain that. Merlin : I wish I could. Camelot at night. Sefa gets out in the night, Guinevere looks through the window. Inside the forest. Sefa arrives in a temple. A man incants a spell : Crugon walo wide, cwoman woldagas, swylt eall fornom secgrofra wera wurdon hyra wigsteal westen stapolas, brosnade burgsteall. Hergas to hrusan. Forpon pas hofu dreorgiad, ond paes teaforgeapa tigelum sceaded. Crungon walo wide, cwoman woldagas, ond paes tigelum sceaded hrostbeages hrof. He wakes up and threatens Sefa. Sefa : It's me ! it's Sefa ! I didn't mean to frighten you. Ruadan : Fear is here. (He puts a finger on his temple) No one can make you feel fear. Do you understand ? Sefa nods. Ruadan : You have something to tell me ? Sefa : Yes. Arthur has set out of Ismere. Ruadan : As I expected. Sefa : But he's approaching from the west. Through Annis's land. Ruadan : You're sure ? Sefa : Certain. Ruadan : When did he leave ? Sefa : Yesterday at dawn. Shall I come with you ? Ruadan : Your disappearance will create suspicion. Sefa : What would you like me to do ? Ruadan : You have served your purpose for now. I hope they haven't ill-treated you. Sefa : They've been good to me, Father. Ruadan : They are Pendragons. They are good for one thing only : death. He leaves. Tomorrow morning. Arthur and his men leave Annis's castle. Queen Annis : Morgana has been devoured by hate. Be careful. Arthur : I will. Queen Annis : Good allies are hard to find. I'd hate to lose one. Camelot. Royal room. Guinevere : Aren't you forgetting something ? My papers for the council ? Sefa : Of course. Guinevere : Are you alright ? Sefa : Yes. Guinevere : You don't seems yourself today. Sefa : I'm sorry. Guinevere : Last night...I saw you leave the city. Sefa : I... Guinevere : Sefa, I may be the queen, but you don't have to hide your secrets from me. Sefa : My lady ? Guinevere : Whoever he is, he's lucky to have you. Sefa : Thank you, my lady. There are so many things to remember. Guinevere : I know that better than anyone. You're doing well. Honestly. Sefa : Thank you my lady. Snowing place. Ruadan is ridding. Ismère. Throne room. Ruadan comes in. Morgane : What is it ? What's wrong ? Ruadan : Arthur is riding for Ismere as we speak Morgane : Impossible. I've had sentries posted at the border for weeks. Ruadan : He's approaching from the west. From Annis's lands. Morgane : Why would he do that ? Ruadan : He means to surprise you. He will be on us in less than a day. Morgane : Prepare for battle. We ride tonight. Inside the forest in the night. Merlin is thinking. Arthur joins him. Arthur : Merlin. Merlin : How can they laugh and joke ? Hmm ? Don't they know what we will face in Ismere ? Arthur : Yeah of course. But a warrior learns to enjoy each day as it comes. Merlin : Because he knows it might be his last. Arthur : Why are you so upset ? Merlin : Morgana is powerful. She's dangerous. Arthur : I know. Merlin : And you don't care ? [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur : Only about my men. They're more than friends, they're more than brothers. No matter what lies ahead of me, I won't abandon them, as I know they would not abandon me. Merlin : I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do. Arthur : Come on and have some food. Ismere castle. Courtyard. Morgana leaves with her men. Tomorrow morning. Inside the forest. Arthur and his men hear a sound. Merlin : We're surrounded. Leon : We can't stay here. Arthur : Run ! Arthur and his men are attacked by Morgana's army. Arthur is wounded. Merlin evacuates him in the forest. Merlin : Astige thu wyrm ! A snake frightens the horses. Arthur regains consciousness. Arthur : What happened ? Merlin : You don't remember ? Arthur : Where are the others ? Leon ? Elyan ? Merlin : There was nothing I could do. I had to get you to safety. Arthur : What actually happened ? Merlin : The usual. I saved your neck. Arthur : You saved me ? Merlin : Yes. And I can juggle. I keep telling I have many talents. Arthur : So it would seem. Merlin : Come on. Inside the cave. Gwaine and Percival sleep on the floor. Gwaine see a light. Gwaine : Percival. Percival. Percival : What ? Gwaine : There's something out there. Did you see that ? What was that ? Inside the forest. Merlin : Could we have a break ? Arthur : As long as it's quick. I want to reach Ismere before dark. Merlin : Ismere ? We are heading back to Camelot ! Arthur : Navigation is not your strong point, is it ? Camelot is south. The sun rises where ? Merlin : In the east. Arthur : And what have we been walking towards all day ? Merlin : To our deaths. The two of us against Morgana, are you mad ? Arthur : I told you, I'm going to rescue my men. Merlin : No. Arthur : If you're afraid...then go. Merlin : I'm worried about you. Arthur : Right, I've tried sending you home, but if you're not going to do as I ask, the least you can do is shut up. Come on. Merlin : You know, if Morgana doesn't kill you, I will. Arthur : Threatening a king is treason, Merlin. Merlin : What about threatening an ass ? Arthur : I heard that. Camelot. Arthur's men come alone. Council chambers. Leon : We were ambushed. Morgana and a band of Saxons attacked us as we crossed the border into Ismere. Guinevere : And what of Arthur ? Elyan : I tried to protect him. Guinevere : What are you saying ? Elyan : We lost him in the battle. We don't know what happened to him or Merlin. Gaius : How could Morgana have known ? How could have known that Arthur was approached from that direction ? Guinevere : Someone betrayed us. Inside the forest in the night. Arthur and Merlin are sleeping. Merlin : Arthur ? Arthur : Hmm ? Merlin : I need to tell you something. The man...The old man in the village. Arthur : Just think about something else. Merlin : No, I need you to listen to me. Before he died, he tried to warn me. He told me that you were in danger and that the danger was close. Arthur : He was dying, Merlin. Who knows what he was saying ? Merlin : I think that he was a Druid seer. Arthur : You expect me to listen to a sorcerer ? Merlin : Why would he tell me that ? He had no knowledge that I even knew you. We have to turn back. Arthur : I can't. Even if what he said were true, it makes no difference. Merlin : Arthur, without you, Camelot is nothing. All that we've worked so hard to create...Everything will be gone. Arthur : Look, no matter what adversity we face, we stand for what is right. To betray our beliefs, Merlin, that is what would destroy everything we've strived for. I swear I'm going to rescue my men. Or die trying. Merlin : Then I swear, I will protect you or die at your side. Inside the cave. Gwaine see a light again. Gwaine : It's back. Percival : Where are you going ? Gwaine : Cover for me. Gwaine walks to the light. He heards a hiss. Guards arrest him and hit him. Tomorrow morning. Inside the forest. Arthur and Merlin wake up with the Morgana's horses sound. They hide them. Morgane : Don't just stand there. Find them ! I don't care how long it takes ! Arthur : If only we had a horse. Merlin : Or a pig. Arthur : You can't ride a pig ! Merlin : No, but we could roast it with carrots, parsnips and apples. Arthur : Merlin ! Merlin : Right, we won't waste those apples. We'll put them in a pie. Arthur : Stop it ! Merlin : I have to eat something. Merlin see two rabbits motionless on the road. Merlin : Rabbits ? He steps forward to take the rabbits. Arthur : Merlin ! Arthur steps forward on Merlin. They are caught in a net. Merlin : I got them ! Camelot. Council chambers. Sefa comes surrounded by two guards. Sefa : What have I done ? Guinevere : The night before Arthur set out for Ismere, there was a meeting of the king's privy council. Did you hear what was said ? Sefa : No my lady. Guinevere : Yet you were right outside the door. Sefa : I was bringing your supper. Guinevere : Later that night, where did you go ? Sefa : Nowhere. Guinevere : Don't make this hard on yourself. All I want is the truth. We both know you left the city through the southern gate. Look at me. Do you deny it ? Sefa : No, my lady. Guinevere : Who did you see ? You can tell me. Sefa : You wouldn't understand. Guinevere : Who did you see ?! Sefa : My father. I saw my father. Guinevere : And you told him what you'd heard ? Sefa : He only wants what's rightfully his. Were he a physician or a warrior, his skills would be revered. But sorcery... He deserves respect like any man. Guinevere : Respect is to be earned. I cannot be bought with blood. Your treachery cost the lives of many good men. Sefa : I didn't mean to... Guinevere : You have admitted your guilt. You leave me no choice, Sefa. By the laws of Camelot I find you guilty of treason. Sefa : No ! Guinevere : I sentence you to death. Take her to the cells. The night. Arthur and Merlin are in the net. Arthur : If I could reach my sword, we'd be able to cut the rope. Merlin : Oh ! Don't put your knee there. Arthur : Where ? Merlin : There ! The sword falls on the floor. Arthur: Merlin ! Merlin: That was your fault ! That was your fault ! Arthur : Great. Just great. Merlin : Where did the other rabbits go ? The cave. Gwaine is unconsciousness. A creature steps forward on Gwaine. The creature : Ic the thurhhaele thinu licsar ! Ic the thurhhaele thinu licsar Tomorrow morning. Arthur and Merlin are sleeping when the net falls on the floor. Long hair man : I'm sorry. Did we wake you ? Arthur stands up and wants to take his sword. Long hair man : Not so fast. He takes Arthur's sword. Long hair man: The king of Camelot. You will fetch a handsome price. Alive... or dead. Any last requests ? Arthur : Let my servant go. He doesn't deserve to die like this. Merlin : If you're going to kill him, you'll have to kill me first. Arthur : Merlin, step aside. Merlin : You know I never do as I'm told. Brown hair man : Stop ! Merlin looks back. The men steps forward. Merlin recognizes the men of his vision. Brown hair man : Shouldn't we leave it to the Lady Morgana to decide their fate ? The man with long hair leaves the place. The black hair man helps Arthur to stand up. Brown hair man : You don't remember me, do you ? You saved my life once, many years ago. Merlin : Mordred. Arthur and Mordred look back on Merlin. And Mordred look at Arthur. Mordred : Hello Arthur.
Plan: A: three years; Q: How long has Camelot been in her Golden Age? A: the seeds; Q: What is being sown for Camelot's destruction? A: news; Q: What is the cause of the round table's conclusion that Morgana is behind the loss of Sir Gwaine? A: a battalion; Q: How many of Camelot's finest were lost in a patrol in the northern lands of Ismere? A: Arthur; Q: Who sets off on a perilous journey with Merlin and a handful of knights to rescue the men? A: the way; Q: On what part of Arthur's journey is Merlin shown a vision of Arthur's death? A: a frightening vision; Q: What is Merlin shown of Arthur's death? A: Queen Guinevere; Q: Who must seek out a traitor who has put everyone's lives at stake? Summary: Camelot is three years into her Golden Age, but already the seeds of her destruction are being sown. After news that Sir Gwaine and a battalion of Camelot's finest were lost in a patrol in the northern lands of Ismere, Camelot's round table comes to the conclusion that Morgana is behind this. Arthur sets off on a perilous journey with Merlin and a handful of knights to rescue the men. On the way, Merlin is shown a frightening vision of Arthur's death. Meanwhile, behind the walls of Camelot, Queen Guinevere must seek out a traitor who has put everyone's lives at stake.
THE ROMANS DENNIS SPOONER 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. ROME. CELLS IAN: The arena? DELOS: Well, it sounds as if we're going to be trained as gladiators? IAN: Yes, but to fight what? (They hear a roaring sound from outside the barred window.) IAN: Listen! (IAN rushes to the window. The WOMAN SLAVE who BARBARA helped earlier watches them from the cage next to theirs. Outside the window, IAN sees several cages containing pacing, ravenous Lions. IAN looks at DELOS and walks away from the window with a grim look on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR (NERO walks down one of the many corridors of the place, strumming his lyre. TIGILINUS accompanies him, noting down the "composition" as they go. Another slave follows. NERO looks at what has been written, takes the quill pen out of TIGILINUS'S hand, scribbles out what he has written and finally thrusts the lyre over TIGILINUS'S head and storms off. The two slaves hurry after NERO.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. ANOTHER PALACE CORRIDOR (Elsewhere, VICKI walks along another corridor. At a junction, she meets the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Oh, good morning, my dear. Did you sleep well? VICKI: Yes, thanks. Did you? DOCTOR: Oh, so, so. I must confess, I've been giving a great deal of thought to that business of yesterday and, er ... (TAVIUS appears round a pillar and hisses at the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Oh, there's our hissing friend again! (He leaves VICKI alone and follows TAVIUS round a corner.) DOCTOR: Well? Well? TAVIUS: I haven't got long. So listen carefully. I've managed to get rid of that body and I don't... (Someone passes nearby. TAVIUS pauses until they have passed on.) TAVIUS: ...I don't think anyone suspects. But if you delay your action, it will be safer. DOCTOR: Which part of my action would you like me to put into effect first? Hmm? TAVIUS: Why, I leave that to you. DOCTOR: You, er, know my plans, er, of course? TAVIUS: Of, course, of course, yes! But I don't know the exact details. I must go. I'll try and see you later. DOCTOR: Hmm. (TAVIUS goes. The DOCTOR hisses at him as he goes! He rejoins VICKI.) DOCTOR: There's some sort of conspiracy going on, my child, and I've decided for my own sake I must get to the bottom of it. The more I...the sooner I do it, the better. VICKI: All right. See you later. (She starts to walk off.) DOCTOR: Yes, hmm, what? Where are you going? VICKI: Oh, nowhere special. Just exploring. DOCTOR: Very well, but don't leave the palace. It's big enough to get lost in anyway. And remember, we're only here as observers. We must not interfere with the course of progress. Or try to accelerate...man's achievement's or progress. VICKI: (With some reluctance.) Oh, I'll do what you say, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm. VICKI: But it does seem a bit of a waste. Bye! (She walks off.) DOCTOR: Bye, yes. Well, I suppose the quickest way is to the top! Hmm. I must have a word with Nero. (He leaves in the other direction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. PALACE. POPPAEA'S BEDCHAMBER (The Empress POPPAEA sits at her table as TIGILINUS follows a thoughtful NERO round the room, attempting in vain to place a laurel wreath on his head.) NERO: We must give him some sort of incentive. POPPAEA: Darling, you are the Emperor. I should think your command would be good enough. NERO: It should be, shouldn't it. POPPAEA: (Holding up two broaches.) Dearest, which one do you think I should wear? NERO: (Without any thought.) Oh, that one. (He resumes his pacing.) POPPAEA: Oh, really? I would have preferred the other but if you insist. NERO: It's quite a problem, Poppaea. POPPAEA: Yes, both broaches are very attractive. NERO: No, I was referring to my problem. Naturally, I feel...I appreciate the feelings of my fellow artistes. (He reclines on the bed.) NERO: When Maximus Pettulion plays for the court of Rome, he must have the centre of the stage. He will receive the same rapt and hushed attention that I do when I put on a recital. (TIGILINUS nears with the wreath. Without noticing him, NERO gets back up and resumes pacing.) NERO: Well, nearly the same rapt attention as when I play! POPPAEA: Why not hold a banquet this evening? Maximus can provide the entertainment. NERO: Wonderful idea - a banquet in his honour! But I'd already thought of it as a matter of fact! POPPAEA: You'd better inform him of the arrangements. (There is a knock outside the curtained door. NERO turns to answer and sees that TIGILINUS has climbed on the bed in one last effort to get above NERO and place the wreath.) NERO: Come in...Tigilinus, get off my bed! (NERO snatches the wreath off him and places it on his head. TAVIUS enters.) NERO: Yes, Tavius? TAVIUS: Caesar Nero, we have an audience with the Empress. NERO: We? (TAVIUS parts the curtain and BARBARA enters. NERO'S delighted eyes light up and he walks over to examine her with a roguish smile at TAVIUS. POPPAEA notices this and walks over.) POPPAEA: Dearest! You were on your way to see Maximus! NERO: (Jumping at the sound of her voice.) Oh! Yeah! Oh! Get out of the way, Tavius! (NERO stumbles through the curtain I an effort to get out.) POPPAEA: Yes, what is it, Tavius? TAVIUS: I have a new attendant for your staff, Madam. (POPPAEA waves him away. He bows and leaves. POPPAEA in her turn examines BARBARA.) POPPAEA: My husband, Caesar Nero, seemed quite taken with you. BARBARA: Oh? Did he Madam? POPPAEA: (With menace.) I like being Empress - and I intend to remain so. BARBARA: Yes, Madam. Of course. POPPAEA: Good. As long as you "understand" the position. Now for your first task you can clear away my things. BARBARA: Yes, Madam. POPPAEA: I shall be in the outer room if you require me. (POPPAEA leaves by another curtained doorway. BARBARA starts to do as she is instructed, then she sees a tray with a goblet. She picks it up and walks over to the doorway through which POPPAEA has just left.) BARBARA: I'll just clear these things away, Madam. (With a smile, BARBARA starts to leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR (She hears a playful shout...) NERO: Yoohoo! (BARBARA looks round herself in puzzlement. NERO is watching her from around a nearby pillar. As BARBARA passes he steps out behind her making her gasp.) NERO: I've been waiting for you! I'm coming after you! (BARBARA starts to run down the corridor - her paramour in hot pursuit. TIGILINUS appears and grabs NERO'S toga for attention.) NERO: Tiginlus! Go away! Leave me alone! (He carries on his pursuit.) NERO: (Playfully.) You shan't get away from me! (BARBARA hurriedly places her tray on a nearby stand and runs off. NERO close behind, runs into VICKI. Assuming a more regal poise, he walks backwards...into the stand knocking himself and the stand over! VICKI stifles her laugh and backs hurriedly out of the way. NERO collects himself together and runs off. VICKI, still laughing with her hand over mouth, has backed into a doorway...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. PALACE. WORKSHOP (...which is the workshop of...) LOCUSTA: What do you want, child? (VICKI turns round in shock and sees a stern, dark haired, imperious woman.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. PALACE. CORRIDOR (BARBARA cautiously steps into the corridor and immediately runs off as NERO catches sight of her and gives chase. The DOCTOR, without seeing BARBARA steps into NERO'S path.) DOCTOR: Oh, Nero, I'd like a word with you! (NERO is totally out of breath, he attempts to speak, breathes deeper, then...) NERO: Which way did she go? DOCTOR: I beg your pardon? NERO: Anyway, I...I..I wanted to have a word with you, Maximus. (He looks down the corridor.) But it can wait, Maximus! It can wait! (He runs off to search for BARBARA again. The DOCTOR watches his progress, then walks off. NERO continues to search. He takes one passage, which BARBARA also finds herself taking. She screams when she sees that she has been spotted and turns hurriedly back. NERO follows, laughing with delight. The DOCTOR appears from around a corner...again, without seeing BARBARA.) DOCTOR: (Laughing.) Extraordinary fellow! What an extraordinary fellow! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. PALACE. WORKSHOP (LOCUSTA grinds "ingredients" in a bowl whilst VICKI looks over her workshop.) LOCUSTA: So you've arrived with the great Maximus Pettulion, have you? The court just cannot wait to hear him play, my dear. VICKI: (To herself.) They may have to. (To LOCUSTA.) What are you doing now, Locusta? LOCUSTA: Preparing a very special poison, my child. I can guarantee its effect on the victim. VICKI: And whose that? The victim, I mean? LOCUSTA: I've no idea, Vicki, nobody's ordered it yet. But, they will, they will. VICKI: I must say, you've got a very...unusual sort of a job. LOCUSTA: (With pride.) It has its responsibilities - official poisoner to the court of Caesar Nero. Yes - very responsible. VICKI: It must be dangerous too. LOCUSTA: Great Jupiter! No, I never drink any of my potions! VICKI: No! But, I mean, if you poison somebody, don't they take their revenge? LOCUSTA: Always. That's why I'm kept so busy! VICKI: But, I mean you... LOCUSTA: Oh, I see - you mean revenge against me? Oh no, no! I mean, it's nothing to do with me personally, is it? VICKI: Oh, I suppose not, if you say so. (Somewhat amazed.) But, the citizens of Rome, don't they object? LOCUSTA: To me? No! It's an accepted thing, isn't it? Almost a tradition, in fact - that the family of Caesar want to murder each other. After all, everybody would like to be Caesar of Rome, wouldn't they? (She pours a potion into a small vase-like glass. Before VICKI'S wide-eyes gaze, it starts to fizz and bubble.) LOCUSTA: I wonder who'll have the honour of being given this? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. PALACE. CORRIDOR (BARBARA looks carefully around her, gives a sigh of relief and walks off. NERO is a small distance away, watching from around a corner. He sees the direction she has taken.) NERO: (To himself with delight.) Cornered at last! (He treads carefully up the corridor. The faithful TIGILINUS follows, holding his Emperors cloak. NERO senses this and turns round in a temper.) NERO: Tigilinus, if you don't leave me alone, you will be sent to feed the lions! Now go away! (TIGILINUS, wide-eyed with fear, runs off. NERO, alone at last, follows BARBARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. PALACE. POPPAEA'S BEDCHAMBER (BARBARA has returned to her duties, tidying POPPAEA'S room. NERO pokes his head through the curtain. He enters and, unseen, creeps up on BARBARA. He grabs her by the arms. She jumps with a cry.) NERO: Got you! Now young woman, surely you wouldn't refuse me - Claudius Nero - a teeny weeny kiss? BARBARA: (Backing off round the room.) Er, shouldn't you think about what your wife would say? NERO: Poppaea? Oh she wouldn't hear of such a thing. I... (BARBARA takes a chance and runs off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. PALACE. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR walks down a corridor. He sees a set of doors, opens them and enters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. PALACE. POPPAEA'S BEDCHAMBER (NERO, laughing, is chasing BARBARA round and round the Empress's bed. BARBARA giving out cries of desperation, tries to escape. NERO makes a grab - at the curtains behind which stands the DOCTOR. However, BARBARA has rushed through to the other room and, again, they fail to see each other.) NERO: Maximus! Go away! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. PALACE. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR closes the door behind him. BARBARA'S cries and NERO'S laughs can be heard beyond the door. POPPAEA walks up behind the DOCTOR. He turns and sees her...) DOCTOR: Oh, I'm so sorry Madam. I...I wanted a word with Nero. But, er, I'll come back later. He seems to be rather busy. (The DOCTOR hurriedly walks off. POPPAEA listens momentarily at the door and then enters her room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. PALACE. POPPAEA'S BEDCHAMBER (NERO is still in pursuit. As BARBARA runs round the bed, NERO jumps on it and grabs her as she passes. POPPAEA enters the room and sees this.) NERO: Got you! Oh! Ha ha! (NERO sees his wife watching and roughly thrusts BARBARA off the bed. He tries to appear nonchalant.) NERO: Poppaea, darling. Ha ha! Hello! POPPAEA: Enjoying yourself, dearest? NERO: Hmm? (NERO turns over and "notices" BARBARA on the floor.) NERO: Oh, I'm so sorry. I...I didn't know we...you were there. Did you want something? BARBARA: (Vehemently.) No! (NERO waves his hand and mouths "Go away!" to her. She needs no further invitation and rushes off under a furious POPPAEA'S gaze. NERO lies back on the bed.) NERO: I've got the most terrible headache, darling. I simply had to lie down. POPPAEA: Oh? NERO: Extraordinary thing. That strange young woman has been chasing me round all morning! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. ROME. CELLS (Accompanied by two soldiers, SEVCHERIA passes food to the WOMAN SLAVE, re-locks the cell, and then walks away. IAN and DELOS already have been given their food. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. ROME. GLADIATORIAL SCHOOL (SEVCHERIA walks out of the cell area to where two men practice their sword fight. They pause when they see him but he signals for them to continue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. ROME. CELLS (IAN puts his food down and goes to the cell bar.) DELOS: Don't you want this? IAN: No, no thank you. DELOS: You sure, Ian? (In the next cell, the WOMAN SLAVE, hears IAN'S name for the first time.) WOMAN SLAVE: Ian? Is your name "Ian"? IAN: (Without interest.) Yes, it is. WOMAN SLAVE: You were planning to meet a woman here? (IAN reacts.) Her name were "Barbara". IAN: (Rushing to the bars.) Barbara! Well, where is she now? WOMAN SLAVE: Oh, I'm sorry. I dunno. IAN: But you just said her name. You must know where she is. WOMAN SLAVE: She were here with me but they took her away - to the auction. They never come back. I suppose she were sold. (IAN walks off into a corner. DELOS watches his friends' shock.) IAN: (To himself.) Sold! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. PALACE BATHS (The DOCTOR and NERO relax in the baths. Both doze, with NERO snoring. A slave walks in with a jug of warm water - but it is too warm. The nearly boiling water steams off his feet as he rises, screaming. His cries awaken the DOCTOR.) NERO: Idiot! Fool! I'll teach you to boil me alive! Guards! Guards! You maniac! Guards! (Two guards enter and grab the slave. NERO takes a sword from one of them.) NERO: Come here! Oh! Wait 'til I get hold of you! I'll teach you! (The DOCTOR, feigning indignation, stands between NERO and the pinioned slave.) NERO: Get out of my way, Maximus! Did you see what he did? DOCTOR: Of course I did, yes, of course I did. (He turns to the guards.) Take him away and banish him. (The guards lead the slave away.) NERO: And don't let him ever appear again here - ever! Ever! DOCTOR: (Turning to the sobbing NERO.) I congratulate you, Nero, the way you handled that stupid fellow! Why, dear, it was most impressive! NERO: (Sitting back down.) Oh, I'm glad you noticed! DOCTOR: Oh, yes. It was enormous control! NERO: You understand, of course, I only took the sword to frighten him? DOCTOR: Yes, I noticed that of course - immediately! Yes. (Laughs.) NERO: I was going to do something, you know. DOCTOR: You did that that perhaps we could have a little talk in here. Hmm? (Getting up and passing the DOCTOR the sword.) NERO: Oh, of course I did, yes, indeed, yes. Er... DOCTOR: Hmm? NERO: Did I say what about? DOCTOR: Not a word but I did want to ask you something now. (The DOCTOR turns, the sword accidentally getting too near to NERO for comfort.) NERO: Eh? (He moves the sword away.) DOCTOR: Er... NERO: Oh, wh...wh...what? DOCTOR: Er, yes, on my arrival, I was rather under the impression that there was some sort of intrigue going on here. Hmm? NERO: Well, nobody said anything to me! Nobody said a word and I am always informed of intrigues. Who was it? DOCTOR: Oh it's just a feeling, just a feeling, you know. After all, I mean, a musician with your skill, well surely you've experienced troubled vibrations? NERO: (Quietly puzzled.) Troubled vibrations? DOCTOR: Hmm? NERO: (Trying to sound convincing.) Oh, well, of course! Yes! DOCTOR: Yes, I'd rather thought you'd had it! Hmm? NERO: Oh I have had it! (The DOCTOR holds the sword a bit too near for comfort again. NERO pushes it away once more.) NERO: Yes! No, I...I thought maybe it was just because I was, er, feeling hungry, you know. DOCTOR: Ah... [SCENE_BREAK] NERO: Ah, that was it! (The pointing sword is again moved.) There is a banquet tonight and you are invited. DOCTOR: Oh, how charming of you! Thank you. I'm delighted, delighted! NERO: It'll be a splendid audience for your first concert! (He walks away chuckling...) DOCTOR: (To himself.) Yes, yes, I rather thought it might be! [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. PALACE. WORKSHOP (VICKI is hidden underneath the workbench as LOCUSTA talks to a visitor...) POPPAEA: You understand what you must do, Locusta? LOCUSTA: Yes Madam - get the attendant to serve these drinks to Caesar Nero - when he's with your new slave. POPPAEA: Correct. And she is to have the special one. Come with me, I'll point her out to you. That'll put paid to any ambitions she has to be Empress. (POPPAEA puts down the ornate goblet she has been holding and walks through the curtained door that LOCUSTA has held open for her. VICKI gets up but LOCUSTA waves her back into hiding. After they have gone, VICKI gets back up and contemplates the goblets with a thoughtful look on her face...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. PALACE BANQUETING HALL (BARBARA is one of several slaves putting ornate dishes of food on the table. POPPAEA stands to one side of the room and points her out to LOCUSTA. She in turn walks over to TIGILINUS and, whispering to him, points BARBARA out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR (NERO and the DOCTOR, dressed after their bath, walk along one of the corridors.) NERO: The preparations for the banquet are under way, Maximus. You will have to play as you have never played before. (POPPAEA appears.) DOCTOR: Too true! Too true so I ... NERO: Ah, Poppaea, my darling. POPPAEA: Dearest, I do wish you could find time to look in the banqueting hall. NERO: Oh? POPPAEA: I...I think the arrangements are suitable but you have much more artistic appreciation for that sort of thing. NERO: Of course I have! I'll see to it at once. (To the DOCTOR.) Excuse me. (He walks off to the banqueting hall.) DOCTOR: Pardon me, Madam. I must go about my business. (The DOCTOR leaves a smiling POPPAEA behind. He soon encounters VICKI.) VICKI: Hello Doctor. Solved your problem? DOCTOR: Hmm? No I haven't child, no. I raised the question with our illustrious Caesar but I'm afraid that was a mistake. (Laughs.) VICKI: That's rare for you isn't it?! DOCTOR: Never mind about that. Have you explored the, er, court? Hmm? VICKI: Yes, its marvellous! DOCTOR: Hmm. VICKI: Oh, and guess what? DOCTOR: What? Haven't any idea. VICKI: There's going to be a feast tonight. DOCTOR: Oh, so I heard, my dear! Yes, so I heard - and there's going to be rather an unusual entertainer! (Laughs.) VICKI: Who? DOCTOR: Me! (He laughs again as VICKI looks shocked.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. PALACE BANQUETING HALL (BARBARA is placing more dishes. With a look of worry, she sees NERO approaching...) NERO: Oh there you are. Now, close you eyes and Nero will give you a big surprise! BARBARA: (Unsure what he means by this.) Pardon? NERO: Close your eyes! Caesar orders it! (BARBARA, looking wary, does so. He puts a gold bracelet over her left arm.) NERO: There! (Despite herself, BARBARA cannot help smiling at the beauty of this gift.) NERO: Well, aren't you going to thank me for the present? (He closes his eyes and purses his lips. BARBARA is saved by the appearance of TIGILINUS appears in front of them with a tray on which rest the two goblets from LOCUSTA'S workshop. NERO opens his eyes.) NERO: Go away! (BARBARA decides to take advantage of this interruption and picks up the goblets, passing one to NERO.) BARBARA: Er, I would like to drink to your health, Caesar Nero. NERO: Oh, would you? Oh well, very well. (He waves TIGILINUS back. NERO takes his goblet. BARBARA, needing courage, drinks back her goblet with one swig...) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR DOCTOR: So, you've had a busy day, Vicki? Hmm? VICKI: Yes, it was. Oh, something else I forgot to tell you. I think I've poisoned Nero! DOCTOR: Really? (Shocked.) What?! VICKI: Well I...I didn't actually do it. But his wife was going to murder some poor slave or other and I didn't see why that should happen, so I thought... (The DOCTOR clamps her mouth shut.) DOCTOR: For heavens sake, child! Keep quiet! What did you do? VICKI: Well, I..I swapped the drinks round. DOCTOR: And I told you not to interfere with history! Come along, quickly, quickly child! (They run off...) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. PALACE BANQUETING HALL (BARBARA is, of course, unaffected by her drink. NERO has yet to taste his.) NERO: You must wait upon me personally at the banquet tonight, my dear. I... (BARBARA looks over his shoulder. He turns round to see a furious POPPAEA turn and walk away. BARBARA uses this diversion to escape.) BARBARA: You must excuse me. (She rushes out of the room by one entrance. The DOCTOR and VICKI immediately enter by another.). DOCTOR: Caesar Nero! Don't drink! NERO: Why not? DOCTOR: I have every reason to believe that drink is poisoned! (NERO looks astounded. The DOCTOR laughs in relief.) DOCTOR: Yes, thank heavens I got you in time. NERO: My dear Maximus...you've probably saved my life! If only I could lay my hands on whoever was responsible. (VICKI looks away.) DOCTOR: Quite so! Quite so! And now, if you'll excuse us, er, I have to practice, a great deal of practice before tonight's recital. (He quickly takes VICKI away. NERO sniffs the drink, then smiles...) NERO: Tigilinus? (He crooks a finger to summon the slave. TIGILINUS comes over and is passed the goblet. He pauses in puzzlement. NERO waves him to drink. He does so and, with a fleeting look of suprise, falls dead to the ground. NERO is similarly surprised.) NERO: He was right! (He shrugs his shoulders and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. ROME. CELLS (IAN is pacing his cell.) DELOS: I wish you'd sit down. IAN: There must be something we can do, Delos. DELOS: We can. Wait! IAN: When we get out of here, I'm going to comb all the slave markets, question everybody. Someone must remember her. DELOS: Ian, you've got to worry about yourself. Otherwise, it's the arena and then... (He gives the thumbs down sign...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. PALACE. CHAMBER (BARBARA traces her finger over a map of Rome that she has found, following the road out of the city. She gives a sigh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. PALACE. WORKSHOP (POPPAEA smashes one of LOCUSTA'S bowls to pieces, then approaches the cowering poisoner.) POPPAEA: You stupid fool! There's no answer to failure! LOCUSTA: But I would have sworn... POPPAEA: I feel tired of your feeble excuses. Guards! Guards! (Two guards enter. POPPAEA throws the woman at them.) POPPAEA: Take her! (LOCUSTA screams as they hold her. POPPAEA: You can save your screams for the arena, now take her away. Get her out! (LOCUSTA, still screaming is dragged away. POPPAEA, her rage unappeased, throws another bowl across the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. PALACE BANQUETING HALL (The banquet is in full swing. A large number of guests eat with gusto, NERO himself gorging on grapes and an enormous goblet of wine. The DOCTOR and VICKI sit at one end of the table. The DOCTOR prods VICKI.) DOCTOR: If he goes on eating, there won't be enough! (They look over at NERO who waves back at them with his grapes! TAVIUS pours the DOCTOR some wine.) TAVIUS: More wine, Maximus? (TAVIUS lowers his voice.) TAVIUS: Everything's set for tomorrow. Be ready. (He walks off.) DOCTOR: Of course, of course. But I must ask you if... (But TAVIUS has gone.) VICKI: What does he mean, Doct...Maximus? DOCTOR: I've no idea what he's talking about, child. VICKI: (Smiling.) Well then, how are you going to get out of the concert this evening? DOCTOR: Oh, I'm not! VICKI: You can't play the lyre, Doctor! DOCTOR: Can't I, child? (Laughs.) Can't I?! VICKI: You can't possibly do. (As VICKI continues to talk to the DOCTOR, at the centre of the table, NERO is looking anxiously around. POPPAEA notices this.) POPPAEA: She isn't here, dearest. NERO: Mmm? Who? POPPAEA: The new girl. I'm keeping her very busy. NERO: Ah...new girl? Oh, her! Oh, my dear, she was miles from my thoughts. I was looking to see if everybody had finished. (He stands.) Silence! There will now be a further feast...of music. I give you...the great Corinthian lyre player...Maximus Pettulion! (The diners applaud. The DOCTOR stands, takes up his lyre and crosses to the centre of the room.) DOCTOR: Thank you! You are all so kind. With, er, Caesar's permission? (NERO majestically waves his assent.) DOCTOR: I would like to play my new composition in honour of this occasion. (This brings further applause. The DOCTOR walks over to NERO.) DOCTOR: The music is so soft, so delicate that only those with keen perceptive hearing, will be able to distinguish this melodious charm of music. (The Emperor takes this in with rapt attention and his face signifies that he fully understands what the DOCTOR means. The crowd applaud as the DOCTOR bows, steps back and places his foot on a stool put down by a slave. He plucks at the strings...but no sound comes out! He waves to NERO who waves back. He carries on with his "composition". His audience, not wishing to feel left out, whisper to each other in delight. TAVIUS, POPPAEA, all join in the deception. But it is NERO who takes the main part in the farce, by moving his fingers in time to the music. Then he starts to notice the delight that the crowd are taking in the performance and a dark frown appears on his face. He leans across to POPPAEA and hisses at her to get ther attention.) NERO: He's all right but he's not all that good! (TAVIUS sneezes. The DOCTOR stops momentarily which causes some of the audience to applaud. The DOCTOR continues to "play" then finishes with a flourish of his hand. The diners burst into ecstatic applause accompanied by cheers and cries of "Bravo". NERO, furious, storms out. The DOCTOR re-takes his place at the table.) VICKI: Doctor, it was wonderful! Wonderful! DOCTOR: It's the old fairy story child - "The Emperor's new clothes"! Yes, I gave it as an idea to Hans Anderson! (They laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. PALACE CORRIDOR (NERO, accompanied by two soldiers, is still in a dark rage as the sound of laughter from the banqueting chamber reaches him.) NERO: How dare he! How dare he make a fool of me! He must know that I am the greatest talent in the world. No one gets applause like that except me! I'll teach him a lesson. (He pauses, smile and laughs to himself.) It's a wonderful idea. Hardly surprising - I have a creative mind! I'll put it into operation at once. Guards! (He enters the bedchamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. POPPAEA'S BEDCHAMBER (BARBARA is within. He takes off his cloak ad puts on another.) NERO: Tell my wife, tell Poppaea that I have gone to the gladiatorial school. No, better than that! You come with me! BARBARA: But I...I.. NERO: No! No arguments! I won't have any arguments! Tell me, have you ever seen a fight? BARBARA: Er, no I haven't. NERO: Then I will arrange one while we're there. I feel like seeing someone hurt myself tonight. Come! Quickly! (He drags her away, followed by the soldiers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. ROME. CELLS (SEVCHERIA passes IAN a helmet.) IAN: What's this for? SEVCHERIA: Caesar Nero wants you to put on a fight for him. IAN: Fight? Against what? SEVCHERIA: Each other. (IAN and DELOS look at one another.) IAN: And if we refuse? SEVCHERIA: He'll have you killed. This way at least, one of you has a chance. (He locks the cell door.) A good winner sometimes earns his freedom. (He walks away. With reluctance, IAN and DELOS help each other into their armour.) DELOS: I'm going to fight you, Ian. IAN: Are you, Delos? DELOS: You're my friend. Remember that. But as he says, at least this way, one of us has a chance. IAN: By killing the other. DELOS: I promise you one thing. If I win, I'll make it quick for you. (They shake hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. GLADIATORIAL SCHOOL (NERO sits down on a raised platform overlooking the schools small arena. BARBARA sits next to him.) NERO: The real reason for this visit, Sevcheria, is for you to arrange an appearance for Maximus Pettulion in the arena. SEVCHERIA: The lyre player? NERO: Yes, he's at the court. I wish to arrange for him to appear in the circus for the people of Rome. SEVCHERIA: Oh, they'll appreciate that, Caesar Nero. NERO: Yes, they'll appreciate it even more, when you set the lions on him in the middle of his wretched performance. (BARBARA starts...) SEVCHERIA: The lions? NERO: That's what I said - the lions! He humiliated me - that's what he did. He humiliated me! SEVCHERIA: Maximus Pettulion? NERO: They all applauded as though it was me. (IAN and DELOS enter.) BARBARA: Ian! (IAN hears her voice. They look at each other in shock. SEVCHERIA carries over two swords to them.) SEVCHERIA: Here. (They take possession of the swords and then slowly walk to their places.) NERO: Well, commence the fight! (DELOS attacks IAN but he manages to parry all the blows. IAN hits out several times with his net but DELOS manages to block this with his shield. NERO laughs in delight. After several more sword blows. IAN manages to pull the sword out of DELOS' hand with his net. IAN does not take advantage of DELOS' loss.) NERO: Why didn't he kill him? The fool! Why didn't he kill him? (DELOS picks up his sword again and further blows with sword and net are made. IAN makes a lunge at DELOS but stumbles and falls to his knees. DELOS holds his sword over IAN'S neck. NERO holds his thumb down.) NERO: Cut off his head! (DELOS raises his sword in the air. BARBARA rises and cries out in horror...)
Plan: A: Rome; Q: Where did the Doctor and his companions land in A.D. 64? A: a rare holiday; Q: What do the travellers take when they land in Rome? A: adventure; Q: What do the Doctor and Vicki pursue? A: slave traders; Q: Who kidnaps Ian and Barbara? A: Maximus Pettulian; Q: What character does the Doctor imitate that gets him taken to the court of Emperor Nero? Summary: Landing in Rome, A.D. 64 the travellers take a rare holiday. While Ian and Barbara are happy to relax, the Doctor and Vicki set off to pursue adventure. However, adventure soon finds Ian and Barbara too as they are kidnapped by slave traders, and the Doctor's imitation of Maximus Pettulian sees him taken to the court of Emperor Nero where he inadvertently plays a part in deciding the course of history...
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.] Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh... Oh wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore. Uh, I'm eating their food. What are you doing? Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago. Joey: Whoa, I didn't know we could date your sister! (Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.) Monica: Joey we know you steal our food. (Joey offers them some potato chips.) Chandler: I'm good. Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon? Rachel: Yeah. And y'know who should've shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over. Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing? Rachel: Oh don't even ask! Chandler: Yuck! Joey: I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years. Chandler: That was like 5 years ago. Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left! Chandler: Joey... Joey: You wanna make it 6?! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It's the next day.] Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are! Ross: Hey! Rachel: (to Gunther) I'll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night? Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun. Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off? Ross: I guess so. Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes! Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils. Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened. Ross: Something could've happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe. Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?" Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn't in to me, why-why would she ask me out again? Rachel: She asked-asked you out again? Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean. Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can't! I can't! I can't! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can't. It's just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can't do it! I can't do it. Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It's okay. (Rachel stops.) It's okay. Hey, it's too weird for you, I won't see her again. Rachel: Thank you. I...yeah. Ross: I mean after tomorrow night. Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can't! I can't do it! (Starts to freak out.) It's just gonna freak me out!!! Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll-I'll tell her tonight I can't see her anymore. Rachel: Ross thanks. Ross: You want me to call her right now? Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that's-that's crazy-I mean that's crazy. So what's-what's going on with you? What is going on with you? Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester! Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.] Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part. Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too. (We see the TV and it's the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.) Phoebe: Oh y'know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that. Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon! Joey: (crying) You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died? Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer! Monica: Chandler there's nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don't have to be so macho all the time. Chandler: I'm not macho. Monica: Yeah you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y'know? I'm not a crying kind of guy. Joey: Come on man there's gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy? Chandler: I'd be sad sure, but I wouldn't cry. Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me." Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I'm rich! Monica: Oh, I've got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good! (Chandler starts paging through the album.) Phoebe: All right, what's going on there? (Points to a picture.) Chandler: Oh, that's Parent's Day, first grade. That's me with the janitor Martin. Monica: Where were your parents? Chandler: Oh they didn't want to come! Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Monica: Poor thing! Phoebe: So that story doesn't make you cry? Chandler: No! Look, I don't cry! It's not a big deal! Okay?! Joey: No! It's not okay! It's not okay at all!! You're dead inside!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.] The Fan: Excuse me. Phoebe: Yeah? The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay? Phoebe: Yeah. The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I'm your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.) Phoebe: Oh you're my biggest fan? I've always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph) The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you're really talented. Phoebe: You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He's a fan. (To the fan as she's leaving) Bye! (Exits) Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya? The Fan: I have no idea what you're talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph! Joey: Oh, you're Phoebe's fan! The Fan: Oh yeah! I've seen all her movies. Joey: Movies? The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the p0rn star. Joey: (laughs) I don't think so. The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in s*x Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren't gonna believe this! (Exits.) Joey: Hey Gunther, don't let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe's a p0rn star! Gunther: Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget. [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.] Jill: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Jill: You'll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn't even tell me why! Rachel: Ohhh well. Y'know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources. Jill: Y'know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I'm not gonna date some random guy from your work. Rachel: It's not random, it's Bob. Jill: It's probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn't like the way I dress-No that can't be it. It's really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I'm so stupid! I'm just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl! Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to. Jill: You asked him too?! Rachel: Hm-mmm. Jill: Why?! Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history... Jill: I don't understand, do you want to go out with Ross? Rachel: No. Jill: You don't want him, but you don't want me to have him? Rachel: (changing the subject) Y'know Bob in Human Resources... Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense! Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don't date Ross! There's a million other guys out there, you just... Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do. Rachel: I'm not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do! Jill: Why are you so jealous of me? Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can't have! Jill: Can't have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can't have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.) Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob! Jill: Who?! Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.] Rachel: ...I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?! Monica: You're jealous of Princess Caroline? Rachel: Do I have my own castle? (Joey and Ross enter.) Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe's not here is she? Rachel: No. Monica: (noticing the bag Joey's carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie? Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like. Chandler: You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you? (Joey and Ross exchange looks.) Joey: Sort of... Monica: Guys, what's going on? Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe's a p0rn star! All: What?!! (They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.) Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer. Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: That's Phoebe! Where did you get that? Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker. Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn't know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.) Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just-I can't, I can't believe this. Y'know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who's always been somewhat of a question mark. Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y'know she had such a terrible childhood. Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don't do p0rn. Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside. Joey: All right well, I'd better take that back. Monica: Wh-what, why? Joey: We can't watch that! I mean that's Phoebe! Monica: Yeah you're right, we can't-we shouldn't watch this. Rachel: Absolutely not. Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn't let him grab it) Y'know maybe a little bit! Rachel: Probably just the first half. Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe's our friend! Well, I'm not gonna watch it! Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe! Joey: Yeah. (Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.) (The movie starts, it's a vampire's lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up. Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I'd find you here, Nasforatool. The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places? Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around. (At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.) Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle? Chandler: Her ankle is what you're watching? Rachel: Well it's hard to tell... (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she's having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving. Chandler: She's just doing her job! Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards! Rachel: Oh, it's a tattoo! That's weird, Phoebe doesn't... Wait that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe that is Ursula! (Upon hearing this, Joey can't turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.) Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it! Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What's up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey sweetie! Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.) Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul? Chandler: There's no back to this couch! Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff. Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y'know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was y'know, all dead inside. Monica: Oh that's so sweet! Look Chandler I don't care if you can't cry, I love you. Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest. Monica: Stop it! Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we're up at the altar and I'm like this. (Makes a bored face.) Monica: I won't care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.) Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don't cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won't matter to me. Chandler: Okay, well I won't uh, worry about this anymore then. Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you're writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear, I know you'll be crying a river inside. Chandler: Aww, I love you so... Monica: What is wrong with you?!!! Chandler: What?! Monica: What?! You can't shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond! Chandler: So you didn't mean any of that?! Monica: No you robot!! [Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he's running to answer it while doing up his pants.] Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to... (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that's just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they've really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they're watching.) Uhh what's-what's-what's the matter? Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we're not supposed to see each other anymore and I'm okay with that, it's just that I don't know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it. Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.) Jill: (entering) I don't want to talk about it. Ross: Okay, umm... Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up? Ross: What? Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides. Ross: Wow! Really?! Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand. Ross: Well, I'd love to! Here, you wait right here and I'll go get the projector and my notes! Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you're such a good friend! Ross: Ohh! (He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he's gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering.] Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her anywhere. Monica: No, I haven't. Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I'll just call him to see if he's actually seen her. (She goes to look out the window at Ross's apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.) [Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new p0rn career.] Ursula: Who is it? Phoebe: It's Phoebe! Phoebe! (Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.) Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you're making p0rn movies. Ursula: No I'm not. (Someone calls out from her apartment.) Man's Voice: We're still rolling! Phoebe: You're making one right now! Another Man's Voice: Let's go Phoebe! Phoebe: And-and you're using my name! Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something? Same Man's Voice: Phoebe, come on! Phoebe: Look, I'm talking right now! You're-you mean her. Ursula: Y'know, twin stuff is always a real big seller. Phoebe: What?! Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars. Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You're disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.] Ross: Slides are almost ready. Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol! Ross: Uh okay, well there's-there's wine in the kitchen. Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.) Ross: (answering it) Hello? Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?! Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she's really upset we're just talking. Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me! Ross: So that's the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I'm a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show! Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me! Ross: Y'know what? I think I can take care of myself, I'll talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you're just using me. Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for. Joey: Oh no, not you too! Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay's checks; there were a lot of them. Joey: Nice! Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won't have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address. Joey: That's great, but isn't it gonna bother that people still think you're a p0rn star? Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it. Joey: You do? Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he's seen her before.) (To him) You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From p0rn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See? Joey: Yeah. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.] Chandler: Hey. Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill. Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened? Ross: Umm, she kissed me. Rachel: What?! You kissed! Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy. Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!! Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay? Rachel: Well, it doesn't sound like it! I mean, it's pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don't kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing! Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn't stop it. I guess I-I just wasn't thinking... Rachel: Yeah that's right you weren't thinking! Y'know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.) Ross: Oh wait-hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing. Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth long enough to tell me that. Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us! Rachel: What?! Ross: No, I mean, look I don't know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don't want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector. Rachel: Wow. I, I don't even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.) Ross: You're welcome. (Gently kicks her back.) (Chandler starts crying.) Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying? Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don't see why those two can't work things out! Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.] Jill: All right, I'm leaving! Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel! Rachel: Yeah, I got that. Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you? Ross: You take care Jill. Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.) Rachel: Bye-bye-e! Monica: Bye. Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can't believe Jill's gone. (They all look at him.) I can't help it, I opened a gate.
Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who claims that there is little that makes him cry? A: the friends; Q: Who tries to break Chandler down? A: Larry Joe Campbell; Q: Who tells Joey that Phoebe is a porn star? A: Phoebe; Q: Who discovers that Ursula is making pornographic movies under her name? A: her autograph; Q: What does Larry Joe Campbell want from Phoebe? A: her own address; Q: Where did Phoebe have Ursula's paychecks sent to? A: Ross; Q: Who does Jill begin dating? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Jill want to hurt? Summary: Chandler claims there is little that makes him cry, resulting in the friends trying everything to break him down. Larry Joe Campbell appears as Phoebe's fan asking for her autograph and then tells Joey she is a porn star. Phoebe discovers that Ursula is making pornographic movies under Phoebe's name. Phoebe gets her back by having Ursula's paychecks sent to her own address. Ross and Jill begin dating, although it soon becomes clear that Jill's motive is only to spite Rachel.
[INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Brooke is sitting on her desk, hair tied up in a bun, legs crossed and holding a blue flag that reads; 'TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL' with their 'R' and mascot raven.) (The camera zooms in and a series of snapshot sounds are heard. The picture turns black and white. Three are taken of Brooke on her desk and four are taken of her behind her desk, holding her pen and looking much like a female president.) (The shot returns to colour and the camera zooms out of a close-up of her holding a Latin book - upside-down. She's holding more books in the other hand and posing.) (She looks at the Latin book for a beat before smiling for Felix and his camera.) FELIX: (Scoffs and lowers the camera.) I think the Latin book's upside-down. BROOKE: Like I could read it if it was right-side-up. (Lowers the book and moves away.) (Felix grins and looks at the pictures on the screen of the digital camera.) BROOKE: How long's it gonna take you to get these fliers done? (Brooke pulls her hair tie out and ruffles her hair loose.) FELIX: Just gotta download the pics to my computer. You got a slogan in mind? BROOKE: Yeah, 'Brooke Davis for President'. (Smiles) Short enough for even the stoners to remember. (Felix smiles and turns around.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - DAY] (Dan walks around with some papers. Lucas enters the building and walks straight to Dan.) LUCAS: You gonna leave Keith and Jules alone? DAN: (Looking at a car.) I'm thinking about it. LUCAS: Look, he's happy for once. (Pause) He's getting married. Don't screw that up. (Dan looks up, genuinely shocked.) DAN: They're getting married? (Lucas didn't know that Dan hadn't been told. Dan smirks again.) DAN: I'll tell you what - I'll leave them alone... if you give me a chance to prove that I can be a good father. LUCAS: (Smiling) Well, how you gonna do that, huh? Get a lobotomy? DAN: No. (Walks up to him.) You move in with me. (Lucas looks at him and scoffs disbelievingly. They hold gazes for a while.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Clothes are strewn all over the place. Nathan walks into the kitchen in only a lilac towel.) NATHAN: (Sighs) Haley, we seriously have to hide the matches from your pyro sister. (Taylor exits the bathroom, not completely dressed as she dons a top. Nathan blows out candles.) TAYLOR: (Taunts) Be grateful it's just candles. When we were kids, I set fire to our bunk beds. NATHAN: Look... where is Haley and, does she know that you're wearing her shirt? TAYLOR: (Gets things out of the fridge.) At school (For, like, the third time this season.) and no, I needed a beach cover-up. (Puts things into her bag and lifts the bag.) Hey, I borrowed some cash, for beer, I hope you don't mind. (She walks off-screen. Nathan watches her exit the house and sighs.) (The laptop pings.) NATHAN: (Looks at it.) And, she left the computer on. (He walks to the laptop and sits in front of it with a massive sigh.) NATHAN: (To no one.) Love having you, Taylor. (Waves) Come visit anytime. (He looks at the message: 'HellInKeller: Got your message. Don't think I can leave you alone.'. Nathan frowns at it and clicks on Haley's 'sent items' folder. He sorts the messages by name order and sees many messages to Chris. The titles are: MISS YOU! THINKING OF YOU! Don't waste your talent Got a great gig... you should be here! I had a dream about you I WANT TO KISS YOU! The worst bus ride ever I'm glad you are thinking about me You are too talented... be with me Come sing with me! Your audience awaits! The camera zooms in on the titles.) (Nathan is shocked by what he sees and exhales hard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Students roam around the grounds before school begins. Camera pans to follow Mouth as he runs across to Lucas.) MOUTH: Hey, Luke(!) I'm taking a poll for the next issue of the paper. (Flips open a pad. Brooke appears behind them.) What is your biggest concern for the upcoming student government election? (Brooke runs up to them cheerfully but they haven't spotted her yet.) LUCAS: Having to answer polls. BROOKE: (Links arms with both boys.) Well, well, well. If it isn't my favourite two voters in the same place. You two can be the first to know I'm running for president. (Lucas looks at her.) Do I have your support? LUCAS: Well, do I have any choice? BROOKE: Ah, let me think about that - no(!) (To Mouth.) And if you're still doing you newspaper dig, Mighty Mouth, I'll give you an exclusive on my campaign. MOUTH: (Somewhat reluctantly.) Um... yeah, we should set that up. BROOKE: Good. (She smiles.) (Nathan walks up to them - also in school for the first time in a while.) NATHAN: You guys seen Haley? LUCAS: (Squints as he looks around.) Uh... I think she's tutoring. (There's a blurry shot of Jake as he's seen in the background over Lucas' shoulder.) LUCAS: You OK? (Nathan looks behind himself.) NATHAN: (Turns back.) I gotta go. (Walks off.) LUCAS: Alright. (Mouth looks back as Brooke and Lucas continue to watch Nathan.) MOUTH: No way(!) Is that... Jake? (Lucas and Brooke turn in the direction Mouth is looking. Jake and Peyton walk to them.) LUCAS: (To Jake.) Hey! (Brooke is obviously pleased to see him. She smiles widely and holds her arms out. Mouth grins.) LUCAS: When'd you get back? JAKE: Couple days ago. BROOKE: (Walks to him.) How's Jenny?(!) JAKE: Hey. BROOKE: Hi(!) (Hugs him.) JAKE: She's great. She's getting bigger every day. (Lucas and Jake shake hands in a manly way.) LUCAS: You're getting scrawny, man. You better hit that weight room before camp. JAKE: Yeah. (Smiles and nods.) MOUTH: Will you still be here then? JAKE: (Nods) Yeah, yeah. I'm back for good now. I mean, I got some messes to clean up. (Brooke gives Peyton a look.) I gotta get a lawyer; see if I can... keep Nikki away, but... I'm done running. (Smiles) LUCAS: (Seriously) Good. (Pause) We need you here. JAKE: (Looks ay Peyton.) Thanks. BROOKE: (Takes Jake's arm and walks forward with him.) Oh, Jake, I'm so glad you came back. You can still vote here, right? (Jake looks at her and they walk off-screen.) (Lucas stands next to Peyton.) LUCAS: You good? PEYTON: (Smiling) Yes. Thank you, for calling him. (Hugs him.) You're a good friend, Luke. (She walks away but her parting words obviously pleased Lucas.) (Lucas walks forward slowly, by himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS - DAY] (Haley takes off her coat and puts in into the locker. Peyton walks up to her.) HALEY: (Smiling) Hey(!) I heard you were out of town. Fill me in on all the dirt. PEYTON: I... think you're the only one who has any. (Haley makes a face.) PEYTON: Um... I have to ask you something. HALEY: Yeah. PEYTON: ...Did you kiss Chris? HALEY: (Smile drops and she exhales. She pauses before saying guiltily.) How did you know about that? PEYTON: (Sighs and looks away for a second.) That is seriously not important. HALEY: It was, like, a goodbye kiss. PEYTON: (Voice deliberately low.) With tongue(!)? Haley, what's going on with you? You know how ugly everything got with me and Brooke and Lucas and... there were no wedding rings in that scenario. HALEY: (Looks around before shutting the locked.) Look, he just... (Whispers) he just kissed me. And... I let him and it was a really stupid thing to do. But... It's-it didn't mean anything, you know? (Pause) PEYTON: A kiss always means something. (Peyton frowns at Haley. The school bell rings. Peyton walks away, leaving Haley to stew in her guilt. Haley sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Camera is focussed on the window as Jake walks along on the other side. He knocks on the doorframe. Whitey's at his desk - we've all missed him - in his dark office with only a lamp as a source of illumination. Whitey looks up and answers with his usual cutting remark.) WHITEY: (Drops his pen.) Well, I never though I'd see you darken my door again, Jagielski. (He takes his glasses off and ends with a smile.) JAKE: (Hands in pockets.) Yeah, I wasn't so sure myself, coach. WHITEY: Where the hell've you been, son? (Jake smiles and takes that as an incentive to walk into the office.) JAKE: Just looking for a safe place in a non-safe world. WHITEY: You find it? JAKE: I don't think it exists. (Smiles) So I figured I'd just have to create it myself. WHITEY: (Asses him.) How's your game? JAKE: Well, haven't had much cause to use it. (Nods) (Whitey gets off his chair and stands level with him.) WHITEY: How bout your grades? JAKE: (Looks down and sighs.) Well, I've been working a lot of hours; just to keep me and Jenny afloat so I sorta stopped going to school. WHITEY: (Scowling to high heaven.) That's a damn fools plan. (Walks around his desk to Jake.) Jenny deserves a whole lot better than a high school drop-out for a father. JAKE: (Nods) I know, I know. That's why I'm here. I was-I was hoping that you could speak to Principle Turner on my behalf coz... well he wasn't really happy last time I talked to him. WHITEY: (Pause) You gonna disappear again? JAKE: (Shakes his head.) I don't plan on it, coach. (Whitey smiles - ever so slightly - and puts his hand on Jake's shoulder.) WHITEY: (Steers him to his door.) We got a faculty meeting tonight. I'll corner Turner and see what I can do. JAKE: I appreciate that. (They stop at the doorway.) WHITEY: Oh, and about that safe place you're building; don't do it alone. There's a lot of people here ready to help. (Whitey pats him on the back - hard - and sends him on his way.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - BENCHES - DAY] (Nathan walks to the benches with a lot of papers in his hand. Haley is sitting there working. He sits on the seat next to hers.) NATHAN: Talk to your folks lately? HALEY: Uh, yeah actually, my mom sent me an email. Said dad is dragging em all over Wisconsin looking for, like, the Gouda museum or something. NATHAN: What about Chris? (Hands the papers over.) HALEY: Did you go through my emails? (Takes the papers.) NATHAN: What is this, Haley? HALEY: Nothing. I sent him one email to say good luck on your music. (Flips through the papers.) NATHAN: It looks like more than one email to me. (He waits for an explanation.) HALEY: (Annoyed) Taylor, must have sent these on my account because- (Nathan looks away, smirking bitterly.) yeah, look at the dates; They all start after she got here. (About a particular email.) And this one was sent when I was at the café. NATHAN: So you didn't kiss Chris? HALEY: (Lying pretty well.) Taylor is just stirring up trouble like always. NATHAN: (Nods) OK. I'm gonna tell her to leave then. That cool with you? (Pause) HALEY: Yeah. She should go. NATHAN: (Nods) Alright. (He stands and leaves.) (Haley looks away guiltily. She's just placed all the blame on her sister.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - STUDENT COUNCIL CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY] (Whitey walks in.) WHITEY: Good afternoon folks. (Closes the door.) Welcome to the first student government information session. I'm gonna pass out these sign-up sheets for the various offices. (Shot of Brooke as she tries to look interested but is obviously out of her league. She's nervous.) WHITEY: And once you've filled these out we'll talk about scheduling. (Hands them to a student.) ERICA MARSH: Hi. (Holds out her hand.) Erica Marsh. (Brooke shakes her hand.) I never pegged Brooke Davis for student government. BROOKE: Well, I am captain of the cheerleading squad... and a former homecoming queen. (Smiles) Can't be that different, right? ERICA MARSH: Actually, government is a lot more than just a popularity contest. Everybody, in this room, has at least a 3.8 GPA and a tonne of outside interest. (Brooke smirks to herself.) Take me; I'm president of the National Auto Society; head of the French club and co-chair of Tree Hill Big Sisters. BROOKE: (Sarcastically) Wow(!) You do all of that and yet you still have time to talk to us little people? ERICA MARSH: Maybe I can help you, Brooke. Have you thought about running for secretary? Nobody serious ever wants that job. BROOKE: (Cattily) Actually, I'm running for president. ERICA MARSH: President? You realise I've been president since seventh grade. BROOKE: Really?(!) What's was your name again? ERICA MARSH: Erica Marsh. BROOKE: No, doesn't ring a bell. ERICA MARSH: Don't worry, it will. BROOKE: (Holds out the form.) Will be in one, Vivica. ERICA MARSH: (Takes the clipboard and pen.) Erica. BROOKE: (Takes her pen back.) Whatever. (Brooke smirks at her. Erica turns back around and Brooke's smirk turns into a glare. She flips through her pad savagely.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Lucas enters the café.) LUCAS: (To Karen.) Oh, hey. KAREN: (Relieved) Oh, hey. You're a lifesaver. (They walk around behind the counter.) KAREN: Deb's out of town and I'm backed up on deliveries. LUCAS: (He's holding a piece of paper.) OK, uh... no problem, I'll pack up the car. But first... (Holds out the paper to her and sighs.) the test results came. (Karen unfolds and looks at it.) LUCAS: I don't have HCM. (Karen gasps in relief.) Keith's OK too. KAREN: (Hugs him delightedly.) Thank god(!) (Closes her eyes.) Oh, I don't think I could take it if anything were wrong with you. LUCAS: (Smiling) I know. KAREN: Well, we should celebrate; anything you want. LUCAS: (Nonchalantly) I wanna... move in with Dan. KAREN: (Handing the paper back, thinking he's joking.) Right, (Turns away to work.) and I wanna drive metal spike into my eyes. (Karen puts things away and turns back to him.) LUCAS: (Walks forward.) Look, I-I know it sounds crazy. OK, but college is gonna start in a few years- KAREN: You're serious? LUCAS: (Pauses for a while as he looks at his mother sadly.) Yeah(!) (Pause) I wanna move in with Dan. KAREN: (Exhales) Over my dead body(!) What's this really about, Lucas? What's going on? LUCAS: Nothing(!) (With a shake in his voice.) And I know this comes as a surprise to you,... and I'm sorry mom, but... it's what I want. OK? (He walks past her and Karen watches him, confused and saddened.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Keith walks up to the entrance of the dealership. Dan walks up.) DAN: (Pissed) You're late! (Keith opens the door and enters.) DAN: Where the hell were you?(!) KEITH: (Nonplussed) I... stopped by to check on Jules. DAN: You should have called. Your office, right now(!) (Keith follows him, kinda worried. Dan enters Keith's office, a smile on his face.) CO-WORKERS: (Holding glasses up.) Surprise! (Keith's office is decorated in celebratory style. They are candles up, plates and sterling silver food platters. The workers are holding up glasses of Champaign.) (Keith is dumbfounded.) KEITH: (Shocked) What? DAN: (Laughs and puts an arm around Keith's shoulder.) Congratulations, big brother. I hope Jules makes you as happy as Deb has made me. (Takes a glass and clinks it with Keith's.) KEITH: (Still stunned.) But, how did you know?(!) DAN: (Evasively) Good news travels fast in this town. (Holds up his glass.) A toast; to Keith and to Jules. (Everyone holds their glasses up.) Two people lucky enough to find each other. (Looks at Keith.) And I hope your lives together... are filled with many more surprises. KEITH: Oh no, this is just about the number of people we're inviting to the wedding, so... DAN: What're you talking about? KEITH: Oh, you know, we're just gonna... do something small. DAN: Out of the question(!) You deserve a big blow-out. No expense spared. It's my gift. I wanna give you a day you'll remember for the rest of your life. (Keith smiles and everybody watching (us) starts to worry.) DAN: Besides, it's not for you. (Looks up and sees a very pissed off Karen striding up to the entrance and pushing the door open.) It's for Jules. Every woman deserves to be a queen for the day. (Dan walks out of the office so that he can greet Karen.) KAREN: What the hell are you doing with Lucas?! DAN: So he told you? KAREN: Only that he's moving in with you, not the real reason why! DAN: He wants to get to know his father. KAREN: That's crap and we both know it(!) You're manipulating him somehow! DAN: No, I'm letting him make a choice. He's a big boy, Karen. (He begins to turn away.) He may need something more than just his mommy(!) (Walks back to the office.) KAREN: (Following him.) DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME, WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR FIN- (She quietens down as she sees the celebration.) -ished(!) (Karen looks at Keith in bewilderment.) KAREN: What's going on? DAN: It's just a little party to celebrate Keith's engagement. (Dan smiles at Karen, knowing perfectly well what he's doing. Karen looks at Keith, hurt.) (Dan walks forward with a glass flute. Keith looks away.) DAN: (Holds it out to her.) Champaign? (Karen looks down at the glass but doesn't move to take it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SIDE WALK - DAY] (Peyton's walking down the pavement by herself. Haley runs behind her, trying to catch up. People are milling all around.) HALEY: Hey(!) PEYTON: (Stops and looks back.) Hey. (Haley catches up.) HALEY: So,... Nathan found out that I kissed Chris. PEYTON: You told him? HALEY: No, my idiot sister has been emailing Chris under my screen name because, apparently, the drama in her own life isn't enough, and Nathan found the emails. PEYTON: How'd he take it? HALEY: (Sighs) I just told him Taylor made it all up. PEYTON: So... you lied to him, again? (They stop and look at each other.) HALEY: (Running a hand through her hair.) Yeah, and I feel awful about it, but what's the point of telling Nathan? Chris is out of my life, OK? Nathan would feel worse if he knew the truth. PEYTON: (Raises her eyebrows.) What is the truth? HALEY: That Chris... and I are connected through music. (Pause) He understands that part of me in a way that Nathan doesn't. (They start walking again.) PEYTON: (Links arms with Haley.) OK, Haley, if... if Chris were in town... would you be into him? Coz I mean you-you-you kissed him(!) HALEY: I know I kissed him and it was a mistake. PEYTON: So this whole connection is strictly music? HALEY: That's all it is. I love Nathan. (They continue walking.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - DAY] (The bell is heard and the door opens. Camera pans as Keith steps into the café. Karen looks at him for a beat before continuing with her cleaning. She walks to him as he steps up to the counter.) KAREN: So I guess, uh, (Looks at the money in her hand.) congratulations are in order. KEITH: I-I-I'm sorry about this morning. That's not how I wanted you to find out. KAREN: Why didn't you just tell me? KEITH: (Sitting at the counter.) You know, for as long as I can remember, Karen, (He looks at her.) I wanted to be with you. (Smiles) And then I proposed- KAREN: Keith(!) KEITH: No, really, it's... it's OK. (Pause) When you turned me down, I, uh,... I thought I'd never have any love in my life. (Pause) But now I've found the love of my life. (They smile.) KAREN: (Looks down.) Jules is a lucky woman. KEITH: I guess I didn't tell you because (Pause) I needed to say this first; I'm glad I loved you all those years. (Smiles as Karen's face is overcome with a curious expression.) You know, even if it didn't work out. My heart knew what it wanted. (Smiles) So I was ready when Jules came along. (Karen nods.) KAREN: Did you guys set a date yet? KEITH: (Inhales) No, it'll be soon though. Um... Lucas has already agreed to be my best man. KAREN: Really? (The tension from the whole situation is apparent.) I didn't know. (Coughs) We haven't talked about anything but Dan since Lucas asked to move in with him. KEITH: Hang on, what?(!) KAREN: Yeah, there's something going on that he's not telling me. (Keith nods, more to himself, and looks down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke is putting up posters of herself - looking like the president - at regular intervals along the same wall. There's no space for anything else and she even puts them over fliers.) (Haley and Peyton come walking down the corridor, smiling.) HALEY: (To Brooke.) Hey. BROOKE: (Turns her head.) Hey(!) Like my new campaign posters? (Points to them.) (Shot of a poster with the heading 'BROOKE DAVIS FOR PRESIDENT'. The pictures is of her holding the Latin book upside-down. The camera pans to one of her behind her desk with a pen and a smile.) PEYTON: I have never seen you looking so- BROOKE: Presidential? PEYTON: Funereal. BROOKE: (Puts her arm around Peyton's waist and all three of them walk down the corridor.) Funny word coming from you; miss happy, goofy grin queen. What's going on with you and Jake anyway? (Haley and Brooke try to tickle her good-humouredly. Peyton gets embarrassed.) PEYTON: (Trying to get away.) I don't know, stop! (They laugh.) We're playing it by the ear. BROOKE: Is that all you're playing? (Peyton's eyes widen at Brooke's tactlessness. Haley smiles.) BROOKE: OK, fine, don't tell us. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and expect juicy details later. (Brooke turns away from them and her smile disappears. She looks at her posters; they have all got a red banner stuck across them. One says 'Want a President with a 2.3 GPA?' another one says 'Brooke Davis Skipped 4TH Period 30 Times Last Year!') BROOKE: Who did that? (Sound is heard overhead from the TV.) ERICA MARSH: In our great democracy, anyone can run for president. (A video segment she taped is playing on the school TV.) But you deserve a leader you can trust. I have evidence that Brooke Davis- (A scene with Brooke stuffing ballots into the box - for homecoming queen - is shown for the whole school to witness.) ERICA MARSH: -stuffed the ballot box to win homecoming queen. (Brooke bends down and picks up more ballots, putting them into the box.) BROOKE: (Outraged) I knocked it over by accident! I was just putting the ballots back in! (Cut back to the TV.) ERICA MARSH: And that might not be all she stuffs. (A scene of Brooke walking down the corridor plays. The camera zooms on the region of her 'chest'.) BROOKE: (Pissed) Oh, please, I haven't stuffed since puberty(!) I can't believe that little @#%$ went negative(!) PEYTON: (Pokerfaced) I can't believe she beat you to it. (Brooke spares her a tiny glance before looking back at the TV.) ERICA MARSH: This election, choose honesty; vote for me - Erica Marsh. (Erica smiles, Brooke glares, Peyton stares.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - DAY] (Lucas walks around the café, helping out. Karen is at the counter with Andy. She watches Lucas. Andy sits at the counter, eating.) ANDY: Little frosty in here, today, no? KAREN: You here to eat or give a weather report? ANDY: (Confused) ...OK, what's going on? I-I-I thought Lucas took the HCM test and was fine. KAREN: Yeah, but now he wants to move in with Dan,... and I haven't been able to get him to budge so I'm gonna get Keith to try. ANDY: Keith. KAREN: Who's getting married to Jules(!) (Andy looks at her for a beat before sitting up straight.) ANDY: Wow, that's great. KAREN: Is it? (Lowers her voice.) I mean, how well does he know this girl? What if he's just blinded by a pretty face and a hot body? ANDY: Well, (Shrugs) some would say the same about you. (Grins) (Karen rolls her eyes and Andy laughs.) (The door opens again and Brooke and Felix enter.) FELIX: You can't let Erica get away with smearing you like that. You leave this stuff unanswered, it becomes the truth. (They find a place to sit. Lucas comes up to them - in a tight black top J - and hands out menus.) BROOKE: (To Lucas.) So what do you think I should do about Erica's ads? LUCAS: Uh... are they true? BROOKE: (Awkwardly) Some of them. LUCAS: Well don't deny it. (Smiles) Politicians always get caught when they lie. FELIX: That's brilliant, genius(!) Stick to slinging hash. (Brooke gapes at Felix. Lucas laughs and holds up a hand to Felix.) LUCAS: Look, people like you, Brooke. (Shrugs) Just be who you are. (Brooke smiles, Felix looks on evilly and Lucas walks away. The door is heard opening again.) PEYTON: (Enters with Jake, holding a flier and completely beside herself.) OK, it's official, Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp are playing at TRIC tomorrow! (Jake walks up beside her, smiling.) BROOKE: (Ecstatic) NO WAY! PEYTON: YES! BROOKE: That's awesome! (Thinking.) That will be perfect for my campaign launch party! PEYTON: (Answering before thinking.) YEAH! (Pauses as she processes what Brooke just said. Tilts her head.) Wait, what? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Shot of the living room - strewn with clothes. Taylor is standing over them. Nathan enters and Taylor turns her head to him.) TAYLOR: (Smiling) Hey, can you... zip me up, brother? NATHAN: (Closes the door, walks to her, arms crossed and sighs.) You're busted, Taylor. TAYLOR: (Nonplussed) I'll take that for a no. (Makes to zip herself up and turns to him fully.) NATHAN: Where the hell have you been? TAYLOR: I met some people at the beach and we partied all night. (Smiling) What's your problem? NATHAN: I know you pretended to be Haley and emailed Chris. And what kind of a sister does something that twisted? TAYLOR: The kind who's hoping the baby of the family doesn't screw up like she did. NATHAN: Oh, right. Is that why you made up all that stuff about a kiss? TAYLOR: (Puzzled) You think I made it up? NATHAN: I talked to Haley. There was no kiss. (Taylor breaks eye contact, understanding.) Make whatever phone calls you need to find a place to crash. You're outta here(!) (Nathan walks off-screen and Taylor watches him. She can't believe her sister did that to her. She sighs.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Taylor opens the door and enters the apartment. She walks up to Haley who's at the counter with a mug and in a robe.) HALEY: I was beginning to think you'd skipped town and left all your stuff. (Drinks from the mug.) (Taylor sits opposite Haley and puts a box down. Haley stands to get herself some coffee.) TAYLOR: What do you care if I haven't been around? You're kicking me out, right? HALEY: Drop the attitude, Tay. (Pours herself a mug.) you brought this on yourself. You've pulled a lot of crap over the years but emailing Chris as me... I just, I can't believe you'd be such a conniving little @#%$(!) TAYLOR: (Annoyed) Hey(!) You're the @#%$ who's kissing a guy that isn't your husband. You need a scapegoat, fine, let Nathan think that this is all on me, but you and I both know the kiss happened. (She shuts up as Nathan enters the kitchen.) (Haley gets up and kisses him.) TAYLOR: Hey! Have a Bear Claw, brother. (Moves the box near him.) We're celebrating. I'm leaving tonight. (Taylor glares subtly at her sister. Somebody knocks on the door and Taylor gets up to answer it. Nathan reaches into the box.) (Taylor opens the door to Dan, holding a box of Nathan's things. Dan - with his weird haircut - looks Taylor up and down interestedly - gross.) DAN: (Smirking as he makes a sound of approval.) Upgrade. I'm Dan. (Taylor licks some syrup off her finger.) TAYLOR: And I'm out of your league. (Nathan walks forward. Taylor turns away.) DAN: Wanna bet? (Nathan walks to the door.) NATHAN: What're you doing here? (Dan throws the box at him.) DAN: That's the last of your stuff. Need to make some room; Lucas is moving in. HALEY: (Unable to keep quiet.) Lucas is moving in with you? (Nathan just stares, wide-eyed.) DAN: Yeah, guess I'm not the devil after all. Enjoy your breakfast. (Nathan just stands there, wondering, as Dan leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Brooke is sticking up posters of herself again, only this time; they are telling the truth and also quite amusing. One poster has a picture of her on a couch, laughing, with an empty cup in hand. The caption reads; 'BROOKE DAVIS FOR PRESIDENT, ERICA MARSH NEVER PARTIES THIS HARD!'. She sticks another one up saying; 'YES BROOKE DAVIS HAS A 2.3 GPA, AT LEAST SHE NEVER CHEATS!' 'Cheats' is underlined three times. The picture is of her holding up an assignment with 'D+' in red on the top.) (Erica walks up to her.) ERICA MARSH: Are you implying that I cheat for my 4.0? (Smiles cattily.) BROOKE: (Fake smile.) Absolutely not(!) Just like you weren't implying that I have a double digit IQ(!) (Erica smiles - Pleasantville style - and walks away. Brooke laughs and does the same.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Nathan is walking down the corridor, alone. Lucas is talking to somebody but says bye when he spots his brother.) LUCAS: Hey, Nate(!) (Runs forward and catches up with him.) What's going on, man? NATHAN: ...Is it true you're moving in with Dan? LUCAS: (Sighs) Yeah. NATHAN: Great(!) What happened to 'He can't make me a substitute Nathan'? LUCAS: It's just... it's more complicated than that. NATHAN: Whatever, man. (Nathan walks off.) (Lucas watches him sadly.) BROOKE: (o.s) Lucas(!) (Brooke appears around the corner.) Hey, I have to write a killer platform speech if I'm gonna win this election... but I have no idea where to start. LUCAS: Well why don't you try asking Felix? (Makes to walk away but Brooke stops him.) BROOKE: Because Whitey told us to read speeches by world leaders - and then he mentioned this Charles Dicko guy who I... thought was that exchange student that's always... smelling his fingers in class... (Lucas laughs and looks away.) so obviously this is your area of expertise and not mine. (Looks at him pleadingly.) Can you help me? (Lucas looks at her and smiles.) LUCAS: How bout tonight, right before TRIC? (Brooke smiles at him.) BROOKE: You're the best, Lucas. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAVIS RESIDENCE (STOCK) - EVENING] (Brooke's voice is heard.) BROOKE: (v.o) Maybe I should do a contest- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESDIENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke is sitting, reading a book while Lucas lies on his side on her bed.) BROOKE: -you know, 'vote for me and win a date' or offer a makeover. (Flips a page.) LUCAS: (Sits up and scoffs.) You don't need a gimmick, Brooke. (Brooke looks and listens to him.) Alright, just,... tell me why you wanna be president. BROOKE: I am who I am... no excuses. But I'd like other people to know that there's a lot more to me than just some party-girl. (Lucas smiles and holds up a hand, silently asked for her to wait. He reaches down and picks up an 'OXFORD' book. He opens it and holds it out to her.) LUCAS: This is from a speech, by John F. Kennedy. (She takes the book and reads it.) I think it could work for you. (Lucas watches her as she reads.) BROOKE: This is all about courage. (She looks up, amusedly.) Nobody is gonna believe this, coming from me. (Lucas smiles and nods.) LUCAS: (Sincerely) ...I would. (They look at each other. Brooke 'seeing' him for a moment... then the door opens and Felix enters. Lucas and Brooke continue to look at each other. The tension builds.) FELIX: (To Brooke.) Hey. (He's carrying a box.) BROOKE: (Surprised) Hey(!) FELIX: (Indicating the box.) Brought you some... campaign buttons. (Lucas looks away.) BROOKE: (Takes the box.) Oh(!) Wow thanks, Felix, these are great(!) (Picks one and looks at it.) FELIX: Um... (Gives Lucas a glare.) you wanted me to pick you up before TRIC. BROOKE: (Shocked) Is it that late already? (To Lucas.) I totally lost track of time. LUCAS: Ah, (Brushing it off.) we're done anyway. (Lucas stands and walks for the door. He stops before he gets to it and turns his head slightly.) LUCAS: Everything you need to say... (It really looks like he's talking to Felix who is only refraining from thumping him because Brooke's there.) is already in your heart. (Brooke looks at him for a beat before smiling. Felix can feel the tension and closes his eyes. Sound of the door closing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Taylor is dumping her clothes into her suitcase.) HALEY: (Walks into the room.) Alright, we're gonna go out to TRIC. Are you gonna be here when we get back? TAYLOR: No. My ride's coming tonight. (Haley feels guilty again, like it seems to be the norm for her nowadays.) HALEY: Well where're you gonna go? TAYLOR: I... met some guy starting a surf shop down in the Keys. I'll crash there for a while. HALEY: And then what? TAYLOR: I don't know, Haley(!) I don't think that far ahead. HALEY: Well maybe you should. TAYLOR: Like having a plan has worked so well for you. (Taylor continues to pack.) HALEY: Well, listen, uh... (Takes money out of her clutch.) it's not much but... here. (Holds out the notes to her.) It's all I've got. (Taylor stares at her sister and the money.) HALEY: I want you to have it. (Shot of Haley and Taylor's hands as Taylor takes the money.) TAYLOR: (Sadly) Thanks... but this won't make you feel any less guilty about Chris. (Haley looks down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - MAIN FLOOR - EVENING] (Loud music and strobe lights move around the club. The place is packed. The camera moves around as Jake appears, walking to Peyton.) JAKE: Hey. PEYTON: (Furiously flipping through the music and talking to herself.) Are you kidding me?! DJ Bobo? Where are The Executioners or-or The Chemical Brothers or anything(!) (Jake smiles at her.) JAKE: (Takes the CD off her.) Peyton(!) DJ has got this under control, OK? (Puts the CD back, still smiling at her.) The night's gonna be great. (Takes hold of her arm.) Come on. HALEY: (Come on-screen.) Hey(!) (She's looking at Jake.) JAKE: Oh, hey! (Haley laughs and hugs him - as everyone seems to love doing this episode.) HALEY: Welcome back(!) PEYTON: Where's Nathan? HALEY: Uh... Karen needed help with some boxes. JAKE: Oh, well, I'll go help them out. I've been wanting to say hi to Karen, so... (Points behind.) I'll see ya. HALEY: See you(!) (Jake leaves and Haley walks to Peyton.) Hi. PEYTON: Hi. HALEY: So... OK, this is gonna sound really weird and groupie but... I'm a huge Michelle Branch fan- PEYTON: (Not surprised.) Oh. HALEY: -I was wondering if you could introduce me. PEYTON: (Puts her arm around Haley's shoulders.) Yes, I will introduce you. (They laugh and walk off screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp are in the backroom, rehearsing before the go live.) THE WRECKERS: # And I would like to think so, But do you know that when you go # (Peyton knocks and enters with Haley.) PEYTON: Hey, guys, I'm sorry. MICHELLE BRANCH AND JESSICA HARP: Oh, hey. PEYTON: Um... I just wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine. Michelle Branch, Jessica Harp (Points to Haley.) this is Haley. (Haley smiles and shakes their hands.) HALEY: Hi. MICHELLE BRANCH: Hey. JESSICA HARP: Hey. Haley James? HALEY: Haley James-Scott actually. (Peyton is confused by the reception Haley just got.) MICHELLE BRANCH: Oh, you know what, we've heard a lot about you. HALEY: (Confused) Uh... I-I don't think that's possible. (Looks at Peyton.) MICHELLE BRANCH: No, (Jessica Harp nods.) our opening act gave you rave reviews. (Looks at the doorway.) Didn't you? (Chris walks into the room, bag slung over his shoulder and acting like he owns the place.) CHRIS: I said she was OK. (Haley watches him. She looks like her life is passing before her eyes. Peyton obviously neglected to tell her that he was coming. Chris stops at the mirror, his back to them all. He turns his head and looks at them once. Haley's smile is strained.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Peyton stands there, Haley beside her as she talks to Chris.) PEYTON: So... you're the opening act? CHRIS: Not for long. I'll be headlining soon. MICHELLE BRANCH: So, Haley, um... Chris played us your duet and it sounds really great. (Jessica Harp nods.) You should join him on stage tonight. HALEY: Oh, uh, thanks... but, (Looks down.) I don't think, um... (Chris looks at her.) (Inhales) I'm just-I gotta head out, but it was really nice to meet you guys. (Haley nods and exits.) JESSICA HARP: (Nods) Nice to meet you too. (They smile and walk off-screen, leaving Peyton and Chris in the room. Peyton heads to Chris, annoyed.) PEYTON: What the hell do you think you're doing? CHRIS: Giving you the biggest break of your life. You're welcome by the way. PEYTON: (Quietly) No, no, no, no, no, (Points at him.) you did not do me any favours, OK? I busted my @#%$ to get The Wreckers here. CHRIS: Yeah, but I sealed the deal. PEYTON: Why? So you could see Haley? (Chris nods to himself.) I know that you kissed her. CHRIS: Listen, it takes two, OK? (The camera focuses on their reflection as they turn to it.) She didn't exactly push me away. PEYTON: (Unsurely) You're wasting your time, you know? She's over you. CHRIS: (To her reflection.) Then you got nothing to worry about(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Peyton stands on stage as she talks into the mic. She is also now wearing one of Brooke's buttons.) PEYTON: Hey, you guys(!) Thanks a lot for coming out tonight to check out The Wreckers. We have a lot of great music coming your way... and, we also have... Chris Keller. (There is some clapping in the crowd but also a lot of booing. They probably remember him from the last time he dumped on them. Peyton walks off-stage and Chris walks on, with his guitar.) (Nathan looks down at Haley.) NATHAN: What's he doing here? HALEY: (Defensively) I... I didn't know he was coming, I swear. (She turns back.) CHRIS: (o.s) You guys still aren't ready for this. But I'm in a forgiving mood. (Just to stick it to Nathan.) This one's for you Haley. (Haley looks down and Nathan looks murderous.) CHRIS: # I started up my hollow, A piece of wood to follow, A day that doesn't come to the lucky. And I realise there's tomorrow, But I would rather wallow in the rain, Than moods that seem so potlucky. # (Lucas walks to Mouth.) LUCAS: You told Brooke about the windshield? MOUTH: (Shakes his head.) I'm working up to it. (Shot of Brooke giving out buttons.) BROOKE: Vote for me. CHRIS: # Well I'm cruisin' El Paseo. In my off-white coupe back '65, Oh, I'm cruisin' down my own street, And my hoopty says to me, "You better hang on to your benchseat, I'm gonna take you for a ride", And I'll let you know, When it comes, when it comes, I'll let you know, But don't stay up for me, Don't wait up for me if I'm not home, yeah, So wait for fate to find me, A ball of string unwind me # (Haley looks away. Chris continues to sing in the background.) HALEY: (To Nathan.) Maybe we should go. NATHAN: No. No, I'm gonna waste that guy. (Taylor steps up net to Haley.) HALEY: (To her sister.) I thought that you weren't coming. TAYLOR: (Shrugs) My ride's running late. (About Chris.) Who's the stud? NATHAN: (Stiffly, seeing if he can get a reaction out of Taylor.) Chris(!) (Taylor gapes, laughs and turns back to watch.) TAYLOR: Well this evening just got interesting. (They stand and watch him.) CHRIS: # Well, I'll be gone tomorrow, Yes, I'm on the road tomorrow, So, next time that I see you in school, (Nathan turns around and leaves. Haley watches him and then turns back around worriedly. Taylor turns to see.) It won't be for too long, And I'll let you know, When it comes, when it comes, I'll let you know, But don't stay up for me, Don't wait up for me if I'm not home- # FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Chris finishes playing his song as he strums his guitar.) CHRIS: (Into the mic.) Thanks a lot guys, you've been... acceptable. (The crowd cheers. He nods.) CHRIS: The Wreckers up next. (He looks at Haley and smiles. Taylor smiles, loving the tension. Haley isn't impressed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Chris enters the backroom, looking down. He looks up and sees Nathan standing there. A dangerous looking Nathan.) CHRIS: (Smiling) Looking for an autograph? NATHAN: No, actually, I was looking to kick your @#%$. (Pause as Chris looks around.) But then I realised; (Shrugs) why bother? There's nothing here for you. Haley sees what you really are; pathetic poser. Just wanted to let you know. (Nathan moves to the exit.) CHRIS: You're wrong(!) You're just trying to silence that voice inside your head. Yeah, you know the one. (Nathan stops and turns to him.) That's growing louder every day. It's saying 'we're drifting apart', 'I'm losing her'. NATHAN: Actually, it's saying 'shut this guys up, once and for all'(!) (Approaches Chris again.) CHRIS: OK, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she does love you. NATHAN: She does. CHRIS: What if that's not enough? (Chris heads to the exit, leaving Nathan standing there, thinking. Nathan turns, head shaking, and exits.) PEYTON: (v.o) OK you guys, the wait is over.- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Peyton leans on a stool as she talks into the mic.) PEYTON: Please join me in welcoming, to TRIC, recording artists; Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp - The Wreckers! (Peyton gets off stage and the crowd goes wild. The Wreckers get on stage.) MICHELLE BRANCH: Hey, thanks you guys. It's so great to be here in Tree Hill. (Somebody hands her a piece of paper. She reads it.) and (puzzled) vote for Brooke. (Brooke stands there, next to Felix.) BROOKE: (Yelling) Wooow. (Felix and Lucas laugh, clapping along with the rest of the people.) (The Wreckers start to play.) (Camera pans to Lucas, behind the bar, smiling interestedly. Pan to Jake, sitting on a stool, also watching and wearing a button that says 'BEING GOOD IS OVER RATED!'. Peyton walks up to him, smiling. He holds an arm out to help her onto the stool next to him.) (Brooke and Felix watch, happily.) THE WRECKERS: # Do you want to run away together. I would say it was your best night ever, Too bad I fell for it. And I walked alone Waiting for you to come along Take my tortured heart by the hand And write me off (Haley nods along to the music.) Do you know I cry Do you know I die Do you know I cry And it's not the good kind (Nathan watches Haley sing along to the song - from afar - with a heavy heart.) Though you force me to become strong (Lucas looks to the side, at Brooke. She looks back.) Though you force me to become strong When I just can't be that way And you think you know And I would like to think so (Karen watches The Wreckers as Keith steps up to her.) KEITH: Hey. (Smiles) But do you know that when you go KAREN: I have a confession to make. I fall apart KAREN: I'm jealous of Jules. (Smiles) Do you know I cry KAREN: (Keith looks away for a beat.) Ever since I've had Lucas - before that, even - you've... been the one person that I could count on. Do you know I die Do you know I cry KAREN: It's gonna be hard to lose that. KEITH: Karen, we'll still be in each others lives. That would never change. And it's not the good kind No it's not the good kind KAREN: I know. It's just... taking some getting used to. I'm sick of living behind these lying eyes I'm tired of this fight (Karen smiles and Keith hugs her. There is some underlying tension there too and Andy senses it as he watches them hug.) Even I don't recognize [INT. TRIC - BACKROOM - EVENING] (Haley shuts the door to the backroom softly. The Wreckers can still be heard but it's very low. Chris is putting his coat on.) Do you know I cry DO you know I die Do you know I die Do you know I cry DO you know I die Do you know I die HALEY: Hey. (Walks forward.) And it's not the good kind HALEY: Um... you played a really great set. CHRIS: Yeah, I know. HALEY: (Smiles and shakes her head.) Alright, well,... good luck. CHRIS: (Turns to her.) You wanna know about it, don't you? The tour; the music. (Haley turns back to him.) It's all happening for me now. (Walks up to her.) It could still happen for you, Haley. HALEY: It will, someday. CHRIS: Well, someday is here. (Pause) I talked to Michelle, she wants you on the tour. HALEY: (Shocked) What?(!) CHRIS: People love the duet. It's real. You know, Jessica started off as Michelle's back-up singer. Look at them now. The difference between wannabees and successes is grabbing opportunity. (Haley looks down, sad.) CHRIS: Our tour bus leaves in a couple of hours and you know you should be on it. (Haley looks at him.) CHRIS: You brave enough? (Haley frowns, eyes bright, but she can't answer.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Nathan and Haley enter the apartment.) NATHAN: You know, now that Taylor's leaving, maybe we'll have enough hot water for our own showers. (Haley smiles and closes the door. She eyes him a couple of times before climbing onto the counter with a sigh.) (She hugs him sadly.) NATHAN: Haley, what's wrong? (She lets him go.) HALEY: Um... Michelle Branch likes my voice. She thinks I could be a singer. A real one. (Nathan smiles.) HALEY: ...Chris said that she wants me on tour. (Nathan's smiles drops.) I'm so far ahead with classes and I'd be back in time for finals. NATHAN: (Nods but not in approval.) So says the great Chris. HALEY: No, this isn't about him, Nathan. This is about... opportunity. I have, my entire life, been the reliable one and the dependable one and I've always done... precisely what's expected of me. NATHAN: Till we got married. HALEY: Exactly. And then I finally did something for me... something that I wanted... and the world didn't end. (Smiles, sadly.) And I have that chance again. (Nathan raises his eyebrows.) NATHAN: If you leave me. HALEY: This is not the end for us. This is my shot to find out if I am good enough to have a life in music. Or if nights at TRIC are all I get. NATHAN: And this has nothing to do with Chris? HALEY: (Quietly) No. Absolutely not. NATHAN: (Snorts softly.) Then why haven't you asked me to come with you? (Haley can't answer it because that's the question, why didn't she ask him?) NATHAN: (Brokenly) Did you kiss him? HALEY: (Pauses for a very long time.) Yes. (Nathan is beyond hurt.) HALEY: (Wraps her hands around his neck.) I'm sorry. You have to believe me. That's not what this is about. Nathan- NATHAN: Haley, listen; if you wanna go, you should go. (Pause) If you do... (He steps back.) we're done. (Haley gasps. Nathan turns and leaves the apartment. She's torn by what to do.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is packing his clothes up. He looks at his top before putting it into the bag. Karen appears in the doorway. She walks in.) KAREN: Unpack! LUCAS: ...I can't. KAREN: I said unpack! LUCAS: (Waits for a long time before looking at his mother. He inhales and resumes packing.) ...No. (He closes the flap over his backpack and slings in over his shoulder. He begins to walk to his door.) KAREN: (Rushing forward and grabbing his arm.) Lucas, Lucas(!) (Pulls him to a stop.) If you just tell me what Dan has said or done, we can fight him together. LUCAS: No. (Pause) Mom, we can't. (He looks at her sadly before walking to the exit. Karen tries to say something but she can't. He looks back once before closing the door. Karen looks around, desperately lost.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton is asleep in bed. The room is dark and Jenny's cot can be seen at the far end of the room. Jake finishes checking on her before standing straight. He starts undoing the buttons of his shirt and takes it off - revealing a very white wifebeater - he's looking at Peyton. He smiles fondly.) (Peyton opens her eyes and smiles at him. Jake smiles back. They don't say anything and we have the distinct impression that Peyton's looking him up and down. There is also a lot of sexual tension, which is going around this episode.) (Jake laughs, softly, and Jenny starts crying. They both look at her cot.) JAKE: Go back to sleep. I've got her. (Peyton smiles and nods slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke sits in front of her mirror, rehearsing her platform speech. She has flashcards and is whispering the words. There's a knock at her door and she looks up. Mouth enters.) BROOKE: Hey, Mouth, you are just in time. I am so buzzed from the reaction to my campaign that I am gonna practice my speech. MOUTH: (No trace of a smile.) I'm the one who threw the brick through your car window. (Brooke stares.) I was drunk and... I was angry. BROOKE: (Politely confused, bordering on annoyed.) Angry about what? MOUTH: Being a little brother to you. (Shrugs) And everyone else. (Brooke's buzz has left her. She looks down, dejectedly.) BROOKE: ...I'm not sure we can be friends anymore, Mouth. (Close-up of Mouth's heart-rending expression.) MOUTH: Me neither. (Pause) (Shrugs) It's too hard. (He waits for a second before leaving. Brooke wants to say something but she refrains. She's clearly sad.) BROOKE: (To herself.) I thought I knew you. But I guess it's easier... to see what we want, (Looks at the flashcard before looking back at the mirror.) than to look for the truth. (Pause) You think you know me but you don't; and that means you don't know what I can do. (Camera pans and then fades.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - EVENING] (Nathan is walking down the deserted streets, sad and alone.) BROOKE: (v.o) You see me as someone who's popular... and has all the answers; that's not true. (Nathan walks onto the pavement.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - NATHAN AND HALEY'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Haley is on their bed, hugging a pillow and crying. Taylor enters the bedroom, hands in her back pockets. She sits on the bed behind Haley.) TAYLOR: (Rubs Haley's shoulder.) I know what it's like to search for something more, Haley. (Smiles) That's why I'm always running. (Runs her hand through Haley's hair.) But then, I've never had a Nathan to come home to. (Haley stares ahead.) BROOKE: (v.o) I may not always know what I'm doing... [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVER WALK - EVENING] (Nathan continues to walk.) BROOKE: (v.o) ...but I'll try make things better. (Nathan comes to a halt at the benches that look like the ones he and Haley sat at such a long time ago.) FLASHBACK TO: [EXT. MARKET STREET DOCK - BENCHES - DAY] (Nathan opens the gift and pulls out a bracelet. He looks up at Haley.) NATHAN: It's for you. Come on. (Haley tries to protest but he takes her hand and slips it around her wrist anyway.) NATHAN: (Smiling) Don't say I never gave you anything. END OF FLASHBACK: [EXT. STREETS - EVENING] (Nathan comes to his senses and turns, running back home.) BROOKE: (v.o) And when I make a mistake... [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ANDY'S HOUSE - DOORSTEP - EVENING] (Andy opens his door to Karen.) BROOKE: (v.o) ...because face it, we all do... (Karen looks at him, wretchedly.) KAREN: He left. (About to cry.) And I don't know what to do. (Andy moves forward and hugs her.) BROOKE: (v.o) ...I promise I'll ask for your help. (Karen can't believe it. She cries into his shoulder. Andy feels awful for her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Nathan opens the door and rushes in. He stops, looking around. He sees a shadow move in their bedroom and makes for the door.) NATHAN: (Expectantly) Haley? (Taylor exits the bedroom, she looks at Nathan sympathetically.) TAYLOR: I'm sorry Nathan... she's gone. (Nathan looks away. He looks at the lamp. The camera pans to the lamp and moves down to the table. The bracelet he gave her at the Market Street Dock is next to the base of the lamp. He picks it up and looks at it, lost and alone.) BROOKE: (v.o) I can't do this alone... (Nathan's head drops. Taylor stops at the front door, bag in hand. She turns to looks at him one last time before opening the door and leaving.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton and Jake are asleep in bed. Jenny is between them and Peyton has a protective hand of her.) BROOKE: (v.o) ...But if you'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. (Jake - in his sleep - moves across and puts his arm around Peyton's waist and Peyton does the same. Jenny's still in-between them and in fear of being crushed - I'm sure.) (The camera zooms in on them slowly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEW BRUNSWICK COUNTY TRANSIT AUTHORITY - EVENING] (Chris descends the stairs and walks to the bus. He puts his bags into the luggage hold. Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp walk onto the bus.) BROOKE: (v.o) I promise, if you believe in me, I'll find the courage to reach for your every dream. (Haley walks forward, laden down with two bags. She stops in front of Chris. He turns to her. She sighs and gives him her bags. Chris smiles at her. Haley puts her hands in her pockets and continues forward and onto the bus as Chris puts her luggage with his.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' NEW BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas unpacks and takes out a pack of leaflets, the topmost one says; 'LIVING WITH HCM'. There are two medicine bottles next to the pack and he takes out one more. Dan enters the room, about to knock but drops his hand instead.) DAN: You got everything you need? LUCAS: (Looks at him.) Yeah. (Lucas drops the bottle of pills on the bed.) LUCAS: Listen, uh... thank you for paying for my medication. (Smiles tightly.) I don't want my mom to know, so... I need you to keep funding the bill. DAN: Sure... it'll stay our secret. (Walks forward.) But tell me something. (Lucas looks at him.) How did you convince her that you didn't have HCM? (Pause) LUCAS: ...I used Keith's... negative results letter. DAN: (Impressed) Really? (Pause) I wouldn't have pegged you as being so... duplicitous. LUCAS: (With what can only be described as an evil look.) Well I guess I'm your son after all. (Dan smirks, turns and leaves the room.) BROOKE: (v.o) John F. Kennedy said the courage of life is a magnificent mixture triumph... and tragedy. (Lucas continues to look at his belongings dejectedly.) BROOKE: (v.o) A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Camera pans across the wedding board that Brooke and Peyton made for Nathan and Haley at their after-wedding-party. It has snapshots of everyone on it.) BROOKE: (v.o) ...in spite of obstacles and dangers... (Nathan stands and looks at the board.) BROOKE: (o.v) ...and pressures... (Nathan looks at the pictures of himself and Haley as children. He's breaking down.) BROOKE: (v.o) ...and that is the basis of all morality. (He sighs and turns his head to look at the keyboard that he bought for her.) (In slow motion, Nathan walks to the keyboard, lifts it and throws it at the board. It hits the board then the dresser where is smashes all the things on it and then breaks before hitting the floor. The board breaks completely in half - between himself and Haley - and falls forward, off the wall.) (Nathan sits on a chair and the slow motion ends. The broken keyboard is at his feet. He looks around at his now empty life and puts a hand to his mouth before burying his head in his hands.) (The camera pans out slowly through the window and we watch as Nathan shows the first signs of a breakdown and the return of the old.)
Plan: A: "The Wreckers; Q: What is the name of the band that Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp are known as? A: TRIC; Q: Where did The Wreckers perform? A: Haley; Q: Who realizes her dream is to pursue a music career? A: Lucas; Q: Who decides to move in with Dan? A: Brooke; Q: Who runs for student council president? A: Peyton and Jake's friendship; Q: What grows stronger? A: The Ataris; Q: What band did the episode "Haley's HCM results" reference? Summary: When Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp (known together as "The Wreckers") perform at TRIC, Haley realizes her dream is to pursue her music career. Meanwhile, Lucas decides to move in with Dan, straining his relationships with both Karen and Nathan. Brooke runs for student council president, but quickly realizes she is taking on more than she bargained for. Peyton and Jake's friendship grows stronger. Lucas gets his HCM results and they aren't what they seem. This episode is named after a song by The Ataris .
1.14 - That Damn Donna Reed (Dean walks into Lorelai's house carrying a pizza.) DEAN: Hello? LORELAI: Do you come bearing pizza? DEAN: I'm not an idiot. LORELAI: Then get in here. RORY: Hey. DEAN: Hey. LORELAI: Sit -- you're missing it. DEAN: What are we watching? LORELAI: The incomparable "Donna Reed Show." RORY: What's in there? DEAN: A salad. RORY: Salad? DEAN: Yeah, it's a quaint dish sometimes used to precede large quantities of pizza. (Lorelai and Rory give him strange looks.) DEAN: It's for me. RORY: Clearly. DEAN: So, who's Donna Reed. RORY: What? LORELAI: You don't know who Donna Reed is? The quintissential 50s mom with the perfect 50s family? RORY: Never without a smile and high heels? Hair, that if you hit it with a hammer, would crack? DEAN: So it's a show? RORY: It's a lifestyle. LORELAI: It's a religion. RORY: My favorite episode -- LORELAI: Mm, mm...tell me, tell me. RORY: -- is when their son, Jeff, comes home from school and nothing happens. LORELAI: Oh that's a good one. One of my favorites is when Mary, the daughter, gets a part-time job and nothing happens. RORY: Another classic. DEAN: So what's this one about? LORELAI: This one is actually quite filled with intrigue. The husband, Alex, comes home late for dinner and he didn't call. RORY: Might as well kick the dog too. LORELAI: Oh, oh, look, she's making doughnuts. DONNA REED: ...behind in the sugar department. JEFF: I guess I was thinking of something else, Mom. LORELAI: "Not that my sugary attitude wouldn't make anyone an instant diabetic." RORY: Mother-daughter window washing. We should try that. LORELAI: Yeah, right after mother-daughter shock treatments. "You know, Daughter, there's nothing more satisfying thatn washing windows -- oh no!" RORY: "What? Did I miss a spot?" LORELAI: "No, I just had an impure thought about your father, Alex. Funny -- I don't know why I had it. It isn't the second Saturday of the month." RORY: (in a deeper voice) "Hey, I heard you had an impure thought." LORELAI: "I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles." DEAN: You're not even listening to the dialogue. RORY: Ours is better. DEAN: I don't know -- it all seems kind of nice to me. RORY: What does? DEAN: Well, you know, families hanging together. I mean, a wife cooking dinner for her husband. And look -- she seems really happy. LORELAI: She's medicated. RORY: And acting from a script. LORELAI: Written by a man. RORY: Well said, Sister Suffragette. DEAN: What if she likes making doughnuts and dinner for her family and keeping things nice for them and -- (Rory and Lorelai stare at him.) DEAN: OK, I feel very unpopular right now. DONNA REED: You, know, dear, the first ten years we were married, I was upset when you came home late for dinner. ALEX: And you're not anymore? DONNA REED: Nope. You are no longer late for dinner. You're just extremely early for breakfast. DEAN: Hey, I'm not saying a word. (Cut to Lorelai and Rory entering Luke's.) RORY: Can brains hurt? LORELAI: Yes, it's hypochondria hour. RORY: No, I'm serious. Last night when I was reading my biology chapters I distinctly heard a ping in the vicinity of my brain. LORELAI: Your brain pinged? RORY: Yeah. It just went like "dink." LORELAI: Well then, honey, your brain dinked. It didn't ping. RORY: Well I don't think a dinking brain is any less worrisome than a pinging brain. LORELAI: Well, you got me there. RORY: So should I go to a tumor doctor? LORELAI: No, you don't have a tumor. You're reading too much. You're probably just losing your eyesight. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. (Luke comes to take their order.) LORELAI: Hi, can you take a little constructive criticism? LUKE: No. LORELAI: OK. This place could use a makeover. LUKE: Hmm. LORELAI: Yeah. It just needs a sprucing up. Like a coat of paint. LUKE: I don't spruce. LORELAI: What do you mean you don't spruce? TAYLOR: What he means is he won't spruce, that's what he means. LUKE: Taylor, do not start. TAYLOR: Me and the rest of the town beautification committee have been hounding him for years to freshen up the place -- maybe a couple of nice zinnia pots out front, some yellow awnings, a peppy little cardboard pig announcing the specials -- but he's a mule. He won't talk, he won't reason, he won't spruce. You might as well forget it, Lorelai. I'm forgetting it too. LUKE: Finally a Taylor Doose position I can get behind. TAYLOR: Faded paint is a bad reflection on the whole town. LUKE: Whatever happened to giving up? TAYLOR: When standards slip, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. You got trouble, my friends. LORELAI: Right here in River City! TAYLOR: This is not funny, Lorelai. LUKE: Does anyone want anything? LORELAI: Uh, yes, I do. I want to know why you won't paint this place. LUKE: Painting's a pain. I'd have to close the place for a day -- which I can't afford -- or paint it in the middle of the night -- which I don't want to do because I hate painting. LORELAI: OK, how about this? I'll help you. I love to paint. LUKE: You do? LORELAI: Yes, I do. LUKE: You love it? LORELAI: I want to marry it. LUKE: You have strange passions. RORY: She likes washing dishes too. She's mult-faceted abnormal. LORELAI: Ah, come on. We'll drink a couple beers, we'll sing painting songs. LUKE: Painting songs. LORELAI: Yeah, painting songs. Like, uh, you know, the song that goes, um...(singing) "Grab your brush and grab your rollers/All you kids and all you...bowlers/We're going paintin' today!" Say yes or there's another verse. LUKE: Well I guess maybe...if I had help. TAYLOR: Really? Oh my God! That's wonderful! Hurrah! LUKE: Taylor, it's not for you. It's for me. TAYLOR: I can't wait to tell the rest of the committee. They're not going to believe this. LUKE: I hate that he's pleased. LORELAI: Ah, you'll drop a gum wrapper on the street in front of his store later. LUKE: Yeah, good idea. (Cut to the Gilmores' weekly Friday night dinner.) LORELAI Mmm. Kick-ass wine. EMILY: How poetic. LORELAI: It's got a nice smell: earthy, vibrant. I can taste the Italians' feet. RICHARD: It's a Bordeaux. It's French. LORELAI: Ah. What's an Italian foot doing in a French wine? RORY: So when do you guys leave for Martha's Vineyard? RICHARD: Ah, we're not going to Martha's Vineyard this year. RORY: Really? Why not? RICHARD: Our usual rental wasn't available when we inquired -- late. EMILY: We should have just bought a place years ago like I wanted. RICHARD: It wouldn't have been prudent. EMILY: Now we have no place to go next week. RORY: Well you could always go somewhere else, couldn't you? RICHARD: We always go to the Vineyard at this time of year. LORELAI: Well, you know, you could break the chain, Dad. Go to Paris. RORY: Yes, Paris! LORELAI: Impressionism, poodles. RORY: Creme broule. LORELAI: Oh, that's great! RICHARD: Impossible! LORELAI: Porquoi? (to Rory) French. EMILY: We only go to Europe in the fall. LORELAI: You know, Mom, I heard a rumor Europe's still there in the spring. RORY: I heard that too. EMILY: We know that it's there in the spring but we never go in the spring because we always go in the fall. LORELAI: It's getting a little too Lewis Carroll for me. RICHARD: Well what is so interesting about Europe in the spring? LORELAI: Spring vegetables. EMILY: You want us to go to Europe to eat a vegetable? LORELAI: No, Mom. I don't know. There's all kinds of stuff. There's festivals and, you know, Europe. EMILY: In the fall. RICHARD: It costs a fortune to travel first class in Europe. We only do it every two years. EMILY: In the fall. RICHARD: It's just not in the budget this year. LORELAI: You don't have to fly first class. (Emily and Richard look stunned.) LORELAI: 'Cause there's always coach. (Ricahrd looks horrified.) LORELAI: Or business class is slightly less. There's deals on the internet. (no answer) Hmm. Pass the potatoes. RORY: You got it. (Cut to Lorelai's kitchen. She's mending Rory's Chilton sweater while Rory is wearing it. Rory is using index cards to study. Occasionally she reaches across the table for another card.) RORY: Catherine the Great - 1729 to '96. Empress of Russia - 1762 to '96. LORELAI: OK, hold still please. RORY: Originally named Sophie Friedricke Augustine von Anhalt-Zerbst. LORELAI: But everybody called her "Kitten." RORY: Married to Grand Duke Peter of Holstein in 1754. LORELAI: OK, Rory, seriously. RORY: The marriage was an unhappy one. LORELAI: Well there were way too many names. (Rory reaches for another card.) LORELAI: Ow! Lady with notecards just look at lady with needle and just try to focus for one second so that I can sew the button on your sweater and not on my thumb. RORY: I'm sorry. (Knock on the door.) RORY: I'll get it! (Rory rushes to the door.) LORELAI: Oh, you're four years old. (Rory lets Babette in.) BABETTE: Oh, hiya, baby doll. RORY: Hi, Babette. LORELAI: Hey! Do you want some coffee? BABETTE: Oh, no thanks. I just came over to ask a great big favor. LORELAI: Ask away. BABETTE: Well, see, Morey just got a call to play a gig at the Village Vanguard tonight so we got to go to New York. LORELAI: Oh wow! Cream? BABETTE: And sugar. Thanks. Anyway, yesterday Morey and I finally broke down and we got ourselves a new little baby, you know? LORELAI: Oh, honey, you got a kitten! Good for you. RORY: What's its name? BABETTE: Apricot. He's just the cutest thing. But he's so teeny. There's no way he can go with us and I would hate for him to stay all alone in the house so I was thinking maybe Rory could come over and house-sit for the evening. RORY: I'd love to. BABETTE: Oh great! We've got a kitchen full of food and Morey just got cable so you can watch those four girls talking dirty if you want to. RORY: Sounds good. BABETTE: You're an angel. Both of you -- angels. You have a key, right? LORELAI: We got it covered. BABETTE: Oh great. All right. I'll leave ya the number where we're staying. Have a good time. We'll be back tomorrow morning. I love you crazy girls. LORELAI: Bye! BABETTE: Bye! (Babette leaves.) LORELAI: Wow. I can't believe how fast you jumped at the chance to spend a night away from me. RORY: You're crazy. I'm doing her a favor. LORELAI: Mm-hm, mm-hm. Sure you are. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: No, no, that's OK. Don't you worry about me. I'll be just fine. RORY: I'd like to debate you on that last subject but I'm late for the bus. LORELAI: You know, this is only like the second night we've ever spent apart. Doesn't that make you sad? RORY: Yeah, but I'll get over it. LORELAI: Uh-huh. Well, Paul and Linda McCartney only spent eleven nights apart their entire relationship. Did you know that? RORY: I did not know that. LORELAI: Well they were truly devoted to each other. Just the being apart was too painful to even talk about. RORY: I understand. LORELAI: I don't think that Linda would have even considered cat-sitting without Paul. RORY: You know, Mom, when I go off to college, I'm gonna be gone every night. What will you do then? LORELAI: Well, I will go with you. I will sleep on the floor in your dorm, next to your bed. RORY: Well at least you've got a plan. LORELAI: Yes. Um, perhaps you'd like to take a picture of me with you tonight, you know, just in case you get lonely, you can talk to it. RORY: Bye. (Cut to a man leaning against a streelight while singing. Dean is waiting for Rory's bus.) DEAN: Carry your bird, Miss? RORY: Hi! I didn't expect to see you here. DEAN: Just wanted to say hello. (He kisses her.) RORY: Hello. DEAN: Hello. (They kiss again.) RORY: Hello. DEAN: So...who's your friend? RORY: Homework. DEAN: Really? RORY: We will be cohabitating for the next month so I can examine its every move. Jealous? DEAN: I'll get over it. RORY: So -- hey -- I'm house-sitting tonight for Babette and I was thinking maybe if the right offer came along I might be up to some company. DEAN: Well I'm offering. RORY: I'm accepting. DEAN: Good. RORY: You want to get some coffee? DEAN: I can't. I have to get to work. RORY: I thought you go to work at five. DEAN: No, four on Thursdays. For some reason Thursday is always really busy. Lots of oppressed housewives shopping for their husbands' dinners. RORY: Wow. DEAN: What? RORY: That was a little pointed. DEAN: What are you talking about? RORY: That crack about the housewives shopping for their husbands' dinners. DEAN: Come on -- it was a joke. RORY: Yeah, well, it was a pretty weird joke to hear coming out of your mouth. DEAN: You are so sensitive about the whole Donna Reed thing. RORY: I'm not sensitive about it. I just find it ridiculous. DEAN: Why? RORY: What do you mean why? DEAN: Well, so she cooked a lot. RORY: A lot? She made homemade doughnuts, chocolate cake, a lamp chop-mashed potato dinner, and enough stew to feed Cambodia all in one episode. DEAN: So what? RORY: You really like that concept, don't you? DEAN: No, I -- well, yeah, sort of. RORY: Oh my God. DEAN: I mean, it's a little over the top but the general idea of a wife cooking dinner for her husband and family, that's nice. Why is that not nice? RORY: It's not just that. It's the having to have the dinner on the table as soon as the husband gets home and having to look perfect to do housework and the whole concept that her one point in life is to serve somebody else. DEAN: Fine, yes, but maybe there are two points of view here. RORY: I don't think so. DEAN: Well you just feel that way becasue your mother feels that way. RORY: Oh -- what -- so I have no opinions of my own? DEAN: I didn't mean that. RORY: Well if I have no opinions of my own then I guess I'd be just the kind of girl you like. DEAN: Rory, my mom used to make dinner for my dad every day before she started working. And now she even does it on the weekends. So what does that say about her? RORY: It says that she has a choice and Donna Reed didn't. DEAN: You do realize that Donna Reed wasn't real, don't you? RORY: Yes, I know she wasn't real, but she represented millions of women that were real and did have to dress like that and act like that. DEAN: Please tell me how we got into an argument about The Donna Reed Show. RORY: I don't know. (Dean sighs.) DEAN: OK, look, I got to go to work. (Dean starts to walk away.) RORY: Dean. DEAN: What? RORY: Bird? DEAN: Oh. (Dean gives Rory back her chick.) (Cut to Lorelai sitting at the kitchen table cutting out pictures from magazines. Rory enters the house.) RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Hey, good. I was just about to leave. RORY: Where are you going? LORELAI: To Luke's. We're picking out paint colors tonight so it's going to be hours of "yes," "no," "yes," "no," "yes," "no," until my world-famous perseverence wears him down and he winds up in a ball on the floor crying like a girl. Wanna come watch? RORY: I'm house-sitting tonight, remember? LORELAI: Yeah, but you have to eat. Come have a quick burger. RORY: No thanks. (Rory sets the bird cage down in front of Lorelai.) LORELAI: Oh! What is that? RORY: It's for school. LORELAI: Oh, he's so cute! What's his name? RORY: Case Study Number Twelve. LORELAI: Is it hyphenated? Honey, he's adorable. He should have a name. RORY: I'm not bonding with my midterm, thank you. LORELAI: Alright, I'll name him. (to chick) Hi! Your name is Stanley. Hi, Stanley. RORY: It's a girl. LORELAI: Oh. (to chick) Sorry about the Stanley thing. Your name is Stella. (to Rory) Stella's nice and Stella was married to Stanley. RORY: Call it whatever you want. LORELAI: You're grumpy. What happened? RORY: Nothing, just a long day. LORELAI: You know what the remedy for a long day is? A ringside seat while Luke envisions strangling me with his baseball cap. RORY: I'm gonna leave the chick here for the night so the kitten doesn't get any fancy ideas. LORELAI: OK. RORY: She's already been fed and if she gets too loud just put her in my room. I'll call you later. LORELAI: OK. Hey...are you OK? RORY: Yeah. Just a bad afternoon. I'll fix it. LORELAI: OK. Call me if you need a wrench or something. RORY: I will. (Rory leaves.) LORELAI: (to chick) Stella. (Cut to Luke's.) LORELAI: Now, this is another way to go. Sort of a French bistro kind of look. LUKE: This isn't a French bistro LORELAI: Really? Huh. It's amazing the things you learn when you bother to listen. LUKE: Which you usually don't. LORELAI: Yes, but then I don't have a lot of useless information intruding in my brain. LUKE: Thank God. LORELAI: Now, if you wanted to do more warm, golden Tuscan countryside -- LUKE: Then I'd go to Italy. (to customer) Here, I'll wrap this up. LORELAI: We could also go with a pastely English country garden theme. Oh, maybe we could add a little stenciling on the ceiling. LUKE: No stencling! LORELAI: Excuse me -- do you even know what stenciling is? LUKE: Does Martha Stewart do it? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: (firmly) No stenciling. (Taylor and Kirk come in.) TAYLOR: Ask him. KIRK: I will. TAYLOR: Well, go on. KIRK: Don't push. Hello, Luke. LUKE: What do you want, Kirk? KIRK: Taylor here tells me that you're thinking of painting this place. LORELAI: That's right, he is. TAYLOR: Ha! KIRK: Excuse me, I'd like to hear it from him. Luke, is--is it true? LUKE: Yes, Kirk, it is true. KIRK: Really? LUKE: Yes. KIRK: And that's your final decision? LUKE: I'm afraid it is. KIRK: Because it's not too late to -- TAYLOR: You heard him! He's painting this place. Pay up. (Kirk hands Taylor some money and heads for the door.) TAYLOR: Thank you. LUKE: Sorry, man. KIRK: It's a little too late for that, don't you think? (Taylor follows Kirk out, stopping to look at Lorelai's paint samples.) TAYLOR: Ooh, I like this. (Taylor leaves. Luke rolls his eyes.) LORELAI: OK, I get it. (Cut to Babette's. Rory is putting Apricot's food into a dish. Apricot meows.) RORY: Hold on. There you go. Meow if you need anything else. (Rory leaves Apricot with her food and and tries to study but can't concentrate. She goes the the phone and dials.) RORY: Hi, is Dean in? This is Rory. (pause) Oh. Well, will you tell him I called? (pause) OK, thanks. (Cut to Luke's) LORELAI: You ready to talk paint? LUKE: No. LORELAI: Good. I've got all the choices set up and while any one of them would work, I think this combo is currently my favorite. LUKE: Huh. LORELAI: See? Imagine. This will be for the walls and this will be for the trim -- the, like, edging around the doors and the windows. LUKE: I know what the trim is. LORELAI: OK. The colors are actually quite similar to what you have here now, but they're just a little richer, a little warmer. What do you think? LUKE: Well. LORELAI: Wait, wait, wait. (Lorelai goes to dim the lights.) LORELAI: A little ambiance. LUKE: This is a diner. We don't do ambiance. LORELAI: All right. One argument at a time. So what do you think? LUKE: Honestly? LORELAI: Yep. LUKE: I have no idea. You like it? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: OK. LORELAI: Good. (Andrew bursts in with a camera and starts taking pictures.) LUKE: What are you doing? ANDREW: Oh -- um, the town council wanted to do a before and after poster. LUKE: Out! ANDREW: Bye. (Luke flips the sign to "Closed" and locks the door.) LUKE: That's it. We're closed for the night. LORELAI: You know, listen -- since you have to take everything off the walls to decide what stuff you're going to keep and what stuff you're to get rid of. LUKE: Everything stays. LORELAI: OK, there's a plastic dancing pork chop that says -- LUKE: Everything stays. LORELAI: "I lost my head over a good chop. You should too." LUKE: Everything stays. LORELAI: Ok. Everything stays. LUKE: You know, this place hasn't been painted since my dad was alive. LORELAI: No, I didn't know that. LUKE: He painted it before he opened it and once more when the roof caved in one winter. I think that's probably it. LORELAI: The paint lasted a long time. He got his money's worth. LUKE: Yep. He really loved this place, you know. This store was his life. Mine too, I guess. I spent every minute I wasn't in school here. I spent a lot of minutes I was supposed to be in school in here too. LORELAI: How come you opened a diner? Why didn't you keep it a hardware store? LUKE: I don't know. I didn't love the hardware business the way my dad did, and, you know, I knew how to cook, so I just thought a diner would be more...fun. LORELAI: (laughing) That's a hard word for you to say. LUKE: (laughs) Yeah. I just always wanted to work here. Just where Dad did. LORELAI: God that's nice. To be so -- I don't know -- connected to your dad. That's -- I would have loved that. LUKE: Well you've got that with Rory. LORELAI: Yeah...I guess so. LUKE: You know, I still think there's a spot on the wall somewhere where my dad took an order one day when he ran out of paper. LORELAI: Really? Where? LUKE: I don't know. Behind the counter maybe. (Lorelai goes behind the counter.) LUKE: Next to the door. On the right side. (Lorelai sits on the floor. Luke joins her.) LORELAI: Oh. Huh. Here it is: "Three hammers, Phillips-head screwdrivers --" LUKE: "and three boxes of nails in assorted sizes." LORELAI: Oh. LUKE: I've seen it from time to time. (They laugh.) LUKE: Yeah, well, I guess it is time for a little spruce. LORELAI: Yeah, it is. But let's not spruce this particular spot. LUKE: That sounds good. LORELAI: OK. (They look at each other then hear voices outside. Luke starts to get up.) LUKE: Oh, jeez -- LORELAI: No, no, don't get up. LUKE: But if I don't get up -- LORELAI: They'll go away. They'll go away, trust me. Shh. (Taylor rattles the doorknow and knocks on the window.) TAYLOR: What are they doing? They should be in there. Just imagine it all in pastels. The whole thing. (When they can't see anything, the crowd leaves.) LUKE: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome: (whispers) I should go. LUKE: OK. LORELAI: Ah, so. It's going to be great. LUKE: Oh, I'm sure it is. LORELAI: See ya. LUKE: See ya. (Lorelai leaves.) (Cut to Lane's room.) RORY: Lane? LANE: Yo. RORY: Hey how's it going? LANE: Very well. I have discovered that in addition to my lameness in geometry I also will not become a biologist, French translator, or Civil War buff. RORY: Well I guess that just leaves bass player for the Foo Fighters. LANE: I also wouldn't rule out keyboardist in the Siouxsie and the Banshees reunion tour. RORY: I like that you keep an open mind. LANE: So what's up? RORY: I need to borrow a CD. LANE: Which one? RORY: The weird one. LANE: I need more information. RORY: I don't know which one it is but I'd know it if I saw it. LANE: OK, well let's have a look. (Lane pulls up various floorboards to reveal hidden CDs.) LANE: We have classic rock, progressive rock, pretty boy rock -- RORY: Excuse me? LANE: Bon Jovi, Duran Duran, The Wallflowers, Bush. RORY: Got it. Next? LANE: Punk, New Wave, German metal bands. Broadway soundtracks. RORY: Interesting filing systerm. LANE: Anything yet? RORY: Nope, sorry. LANE: OK, well over there we have jazz, jazz vocals, classical, country, rockabilly, Sinatra -- The Capitol Years. Oh wait! The miscellaneous section. RORY: Hey, that sounds right. William Shatner. Is this the one where he sings Tambourine Man? LANE: And Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. RORY: Remind me to get this for my mom for her birthday. Oh wait. Hey, that's it. Can I? LANE: Take it. RORY: Thanks. LANE: So what are you doing? RORY: Um, I'm not completely sure yet. LANE: OK. Well I want details. (Cut to Lorelai getting home. She looks in the chick's cage -- it's empty.) LORELAI: (yelling) Stella! (Lorelai starts looking all over the house for Stella.) LORELAI: Oh, no. No, no. OK. Stella, do something. Show yourself. Molt or chirp or something. Oh this is so not funny. Not funny, not funny. Oh this is so unbelivable. All day long, just chirps like a maniac at the top of her lungs. Now, nothing. Silence. Marcel Marceau chicken. OK, that's OK. I can fix this. We can fix this. (Lorelai goes to the phone.) LORELAI: I'm going to make this better. I'm going to fix -- LORELAI: Hello? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Luke? Stella got out and I don't know -- do I put seed on the floor? Do I make cheeping sounds? Or do I pull a Lucy Ricardo and walk like a chicken so she thinks I'm her mother? LUKE: Who the hell is this? LORELAI: What do you mean who is this? It's Lorelai. Who else would call you looking for her baby chick? LUKE: You're right. I'm the idiot. Go on. LORELAI: Could you come over here, please, and help me? LUKE: Uh, yeah, OK. I'll be right over. LORELAI: OK, hurry! (Luke knocks.) LORELAI: Thank God. Get in here. LUKE: This place is a disaster. What's going on? LORELAI: OK, the last sighting was here, by the InStyle magazine. But then she burrowed through the Glamour and jumped over the Cosmo and knocked over a brand new bottle of nail polish so all I can tell you is if there was any doubt that this chick was a girl, well, there isn't anymore. (Stella cheeps.) LORELAI: OK, there she is! LUKE: Jeez -- what was that? LORELAI: Stella! Stella! LUKE: You really do have a chick loose in here. LORELAI: Yeah, I told you I had a chick loose in here. There she goes by the kitchen! (They run after Stella.) LORELAI: Don't step on her! LUKE: She cut right in front of me. LORELAI: OK, well she's being graded so let's not squash her. LUKE: Well then tell her to watch where she's going. (Cut to Babette's house. The phone rings.) RORY: Hello? DEAN: Um, I wasn't sure if you still wanted me to come over. RORY: Oh, I do. I do, I absolutely do. DEAN: Are you sure? RORY: Yeah, I'm totally and completely -- You're teasing me. DEAN: Yeah, a little. But I did appreciate the enthusiasm. RORY: So how long until you get here? DEAN: Actually, not long at all. RORY: Why where are you? DEAN: Right outside. (Rory goes to the door and opens it. She's wearing a Donna Reed dress.) DEAN: Uh, what the -- RORY: Honey, you're home. RORY: Well, say something. DEAN: Trick or treat? RORY: What? You don't like it? DEAN: No, I do. It's -- uh -- it's got a large circumference. RORY: Thank you. Now come on in. It's cold outside. (They go inside.) DEAN: Oh my God. RORY: Here, let me take your coat. DEAN: Uh, thank you. RORY: You're welcome. DEAN: Interesting music. RORY: I'm glad you like it. DEAN: So what's that? RORY: Oh, just some appetizers before dinner. DEAN: Before dinner? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: Are we going out? RORY: No. DEAN: Ordering pizza? RORY: Nope. DEAN: So...? RORY: I made you dinner. DEAN: Excuse me? RORY: Steak, green beans, mashed potatoes -- DEAN: Wait, you made me dinner? RORY: That's right. DEAN: You made me dinner. RORY: And dessert. DEAN: OK, what is going on here? RORY: I'm sorry, I thought it was obvious. It's Donna Reed night. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Lorelai's.) LORELAI: I swear, she went over there. LUKE: We looked over there. LORELAI: Well, she went under that chair and she didn't come out. LUKE: We moved the chair, we searched the floor, nothing. LORELAI: Well then she went under the chair and through a hole in the floor. LUKE: There is no hole in the floor. LORELAI: Well maybe there was a hole in the floor and she crawled through it and fixed it. LUKE: So she's s super intelligent chick with great physical and deductive skills? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: Oh, this is not a chick I want to find. LORELAI: Hey, Luke, what did you mean earlier? LUKE: What are you talking about? LORELAI: When you got here. You made some comment about me not really having a chick in the house. LUKE: Hmm. LORELAI: I mean, if I didn't have a chick here, why did you think I was calling? LUKE: No, I thought you were calling about the chick. LORELAI: It didn't seem like it. LUKE: Well maybe it didn't seem like it but it was. LORELAI: Was what? LUKE: Was what I thought -- can we just keep looking? LORELAI: OK. I just still think that -- LUKE: There she is. LORELAI: Where? LUKE: There! (Crash) LORELAI: Careful. (Cut to Babette's. Rory and Dean are eating dinner.) RORY: Well? DEAN: What can I say? RORY: You can say it's perfect. DEAN: It's perfect. RORY: Thank you. How is it really? DEAN: It's perfect. RORY: Yeah? DEAN: It's amazing. I mean, I've never had anyone make dinner for me before. Except my mom, and, believe me, it's not the same. RORY: I'm extremely glad to hear that. (Dean reaches for another helping.) RORY: Wait, wait, you want to save room for dessert, right? DEAN: Oh, that's right. So...what's for dessert? RORY: Lime Fantasy Supreme. DEAN: Which is? (Rory goes to the refrigerator.) RORY: Green Jell-o and Cool Whip! DEAN: You are insane. RORY: Oh, no, I forgot to make the rolls. DEAN: What? RORY: I was going to make rolls. DEAN: Well that's OK. RORY: I can't belive I forgot them. (Rory starts to open the rolls.) DEAN: What are you doing? RORY: I'll make 'em now. DEAN: Hold on, it's -- come on, we really don't need rolls. RORY: Donna Reed would have never forgotten the rolls. They're gonna make me turn in my pearls. (They kiss.) DEAN: I promise I'll kick anyone's butt who comes near those pearls. (They kiss again.) DEAN: Rory? RORY: Yes? DEAN: As amazing as this whole thing was, I mean, the music, the outfit, the dinner, I hope you know that I don't expect you to be Donna Reed. And I don't want you to be Donna Reed. That's not what I meant. This just totally got blown out of proportion. I'm actually pretty happy with you. RORY: I know and I appreciate that, but aside from this actually being fun, I did a little research on Donna Reed. DEAN: You did research on Donna Reed. RORY: Look. See, she did do the whole milk and cookies wholesome big skirt thing, but aside from that, she was an uncredited producer and director on her television show, which made her one of the first women television executives. Which is actually pretty impressive. DEAN: Well I'm glad this turned out to be such a positive experience for you. RORY: It has been. And even though I'll probably never get the feeling back in my left little toe, I'd do it again. DEAN: Yeah? RORY: Someday. But for now I'd better get these dishes cleaned up. DEAN: Oh, well, I'll help. RORY: Sorry, you're a man. You can't help for another fifteen years. DEAN: OK, well, then, as the man I will do what the man is supposed to do. RORY: Go bowling? DEAN: Take out the trash. (Cut to Lorelai's.) LORELAI: She's never going anywhere ever again. I'm thinking of slipping some super glue on the bottom of the cage. That would be bad, right? I mean, I know staples are bad but what's the verdict on super glue? LUKE: Ask Stella. (Luke is taking out the trash, including a broken lamp.) LORELAI: Oh, you don't have to do that. LUKE: This stuff is sharp. I want to get it out of the way. LORELAI: Well, thanks for helping. LUKE: No problem. I'm going to throw this stuff outside. (Luke goes outside just as Dean is stepping out Babette's door. On their way to the trash cans, they meet between the two house.) DEAN: Hey. LUKE: Hey. DEAN: What are you doing here? LUKE: What are you doing here? DEAN: You first. LUKE: I'm looking for a chick. DEAN: Yeah, me too. LUKE: You are not. DEAN: Well, neither are you. LORELAI: Hey, Luke, is there -- Dean. DEAN: Uh, Lorelai, hi. LORELAI: Fancy meeting you here. LUKE: Yeah. DEAN: Well, uh -- RORY: Hey, the Jell-o is doing this weird melting thing and I -- oh, Mom, Luke. LUKE: Rory. RORY: Hi. LORELAI: Uh, what the hell are you two doing? DEAN: Nothing. She, uh -- well we ate dinner. You know, steak and beans -- RORY: Canned. LORELAI: Canned. RORY: Not fresh. DEAN: No. LORELAI: No. DEAN: And potatoes. RORY: From a box. DEAN: But they were still good. RORY: Thank you. DEAN: You're welcome. RORY: So what were you guys doing? LORELAI: Oh. Uh -- In the house... LUKE: And then the lamp sorta -- I'm gonna get going. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: I'm sorry about this. LORELAI: Forget it. LUKE: OK. Bye. DEAN: Yeah, I probably better go too. Thanks for dinner. RORY: You're welcome. (Luke and Dean leave.) RORY: What? LORELAI: Well, OK, you're 16. You have a whole house to yourself for the evening. I expect that you're going to have your boyfriend over. But what is with the apron? RORY: It's a long story. LORELAI: Did it involve a sharp blow to the head? RORY: I gotta go check on Apricot. LORELAI: Oh my God! I just saw the pearls. RORY: I'm going in now. LORELAI: You know what? I'm going inside too. 'Cause I have to write down all the ways I'm gonna torture you about that outfit. RORY: Good night! (Rory goes inside.) LORELAI: Could I just get a picture though? 'Cause visual aids would really help. Oh, oh! Oh the shoes! I am dying. Oh. (Rory rushes back outside.) RORY: Mom! I can't find Apricot! LORELAI: What? No! RORY: She was on the couch when I came out, and now, nowhere. LORELAI: That's it! We are not animal people! Period. (Cut to the kitchen at the inn. Lorelai walks in.) MICHEL: It was a tiny little favor. SOOKIE: We have had this discussion before, Michel. MICHEL: You are being unreasonable. SOOKIE: I have my standards. MICHEL: But this is a simple request. SOOKIE: You are asking me to compromise my artistic and my culinary values. LORELAI: Michel wanted an egg white omelette. SOOKIE: Yes. LORELAI: Crazy man. MICHEL: Why? Why am I crazy man? I didn't have time for breakfast this morning, so very nicely I asked her to make me an egg white omelette cooked very dry with some tomatoes, mushroom, maybe a little chives, and she gives me this. LORELAI: What is this? SOOKIE: A three egg omelette with goat cheese cooked in a sherry olive oil. MICHEL: I don't eat dairy or meat. You know this. SOOKIE: I am a chef, Michel. It is my job to make food that tastes good. LORELAI: (eating the omelette) And you do sister! MICHEL: But I can't eat like that and look like her. (gestures to Lorelai) LORELAI: You don't know what you're missing. MICHEL: That will kill you. LORELAI: You gotta go someday. MICHEL: But someday all of this will catch up with you. You will become the balloon lady, and with any luck I will be here to enjoy it. (Michel stomps out.) LORELAI: But you make a good egg white omelette. SOOKIE: I know. LORELAI: Ah. Who wants to hear about my night? SOOKIE: Oh, me! LORELAI: Well, it started with Rory's baby chick getting loose in the house and ended with Rory and I up at one in the morning looking for Morey and Babette's new kitten, who we found asleep in the piano. SOOKIE: Wow, that's very Wild Kingdom of you. LORELAI: Yeah. I'm like the Marlin Perkins of Stars Hollow. SOOKIE: You want some coffe? LORELAI: Please. SOOKIE: So how's Rory's chick? LORELAI: Uh, better than my lemon lamp. SOOKIE: What's the matter with your lemon lamp? LORELAI: Luke killed it. SOOKI: On purpose? LORELAI: Well I can't prove it, but I will. SOOKIE: What was Luke doing there? LORELAI: Well I called him when I got home and Stella wasn't there. SOOKIE: Stella is the chick? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: I like that name. LORELAI: 'Streetcar Named Desire'. SOOKIE: Vivian Leigh or Jessica Tandy? LORELAI: Hello -- Tandy. SOOKIE: Of course. Continue. LORELAI: So I evaluated the situation in my usual calm, collected manner -- SOOKIE: Hmm. LORELAI: And then I called Luke to help me track her down. SOOKIE: That's when he broke the lamp? LORELAI: Yeah, he's not very graceful. You know, he said the weirdest thing. SOOKIE: 'May I break your lamp?' LORELAI: Well he got there and I was looking for Stella and he said, 'Oh, you really do have a baby chick loose in the house,' like I made that up, or -- I don't know. SOOKIE: Well. LORELAI: Well what? SOOKIE: Well you call someone and you say, 'Can you come over and help me look for my loose chick?' It's a little... LORELAI: A little what? SOOKIE: It sounds a little like the code for, 'I'm not wearing any underwear.' LORELAI: That's not the code for 'I'm not wearing any underwear.' SOOKIE: OK. LORELAI: Sookie, you're not serious? SOOKIE: Look, the first time Jackson and I...you know. LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: Yeah. I called him up and I told him I had a bat in my attic. LORELAI: Well, honey, you do have a bat in your attic. SOOKIE: So, he came over and went in the attic and he knew there was no bat and I knew there was no bat, but we pretended to look for it, and then when we couldn't find "the bat" we went downstairs and we had a bottle of wine.. LORELAI: So you're saying Luke thought I made up a crazy story about a chick being loose in the house just to get him in bed? SOOKIE: Not just to get him in bed, but maybe he thought you wanted to see him and you didn't know how to say it. LORELAI: That's nuts. SOOKIE A woman asking a man to come over late at night to her house. Come on. LORELAI: Yeah. But this is Luke we're talking about. SOOKIE: Uh-huh. Why did you call him? LORELAI: Because I needed help. SOOKIE: Yeah. Why didn't you call me? LORELAI: Because I assumed you would be with Jackson. SOOKIE: Uh-huh. LORELAI: Well I did. SOOKIE: Why didn't you call Rory? LORELAI: Because she would have been furious to find out that Stella was missing. SOOKEI: Why didn't you call Patty? She raises chickens. LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: Or Andrew? He lives right around the corner, doesn't he? LORELAI: What is your point? SOOKIE: My point is that you called Luke. Out of all the people in town that you could have called that would have come over and dropped what they were doing, you called Luke. LORELAI: Because I had just been with him. We were picking out paint samples. He was on my mind. It was purely a timing thing. SOOKIE: Picking out samples. LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: For Luke's place. LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: So you could paint together. LORELAI: Once again, yes! SOOKIE: Mm-hmm. Which I believe was your idea. LORELAI: OK, so now the fact that I suggested painting Luke's diner also means that I wanted to get him in bed. All of a sudden I'm trying to get any poor, unsuspecting person in bed with me. I'm like -- I'm Michael Douglas! SOOKIE: Lorelai. This -- LORELAI: Just -- thanks for the omelette. SOOKIE: No, honey, I'm sorry. I don't want you to be mad. Don't be mad at me. LORELAI: I'm not mad, I'm not mad. I'm tired. SOOKIE: OK. You know, Luke is a really nice man. LORELAI: Bye, Sookie. (Cut to Emily and Richard's. Emily answers the door.) EMILY: Rory, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hey, we thought maybe the doorbell wasn't working. EMILY: Come in. LORELAI: We were ringing it and ringing it and nobody -- I guess we'll just come in. (Emily has gone back to the main room, where she and Richard are talking to a man on the speaker phone.) EMILY: And that would be the same as what we were paying for our old place? JOHN (on the phone): Exactly the same. RICHARD: Except for the grounds fees. JOHN: Well the grounds fees are higher. EMILY: But the grounds are larger, Richard. RICHARD: I'm just trying to get all the information, Emily. EMILY: All the information is that this is our last chance to go to Martha's Vineyard for the season. That's all the information. JOHN: Emily, Richard. RICHARD: I realize the position we are in, but this is a business transaction. EMILY: Oh for heaven's sake. JOHN: Richard, Emily RICHARD: As a business transaction, one in which money goes out and we receive certain goods and services -- EMILY: And he's patronizing me, how lovely. JOHN: Emily, Richard. RICHARD: I must treat this conversation with the same care and devotion to detail I would any conversation that would be considered a business transaction. Kindly allow me to do so. JOHN: Richard! Emily! Please! EMILY: Goodness, you startled me. JOHN: I'm sorry, I just wanted to say that I'm sure we could negotiate the grounds fee. RICHARD: Well, that will be fine. JOHN: Good. I'll get into this right now and I'll get back to you. EMILY: Thank you, John. RICHARD: Yes, we'll talk to you later. JOHN: Bye. EMILY: Careful, Richard. That canary you ate is going to spoil your dinner. LORELAI: What's going on? RICHARD: Oh, your mother and I have just secured a place on Martha's Vineyard. RORY: Really, that's great! LORELAI: I thought you lost your old place. EMILY: We did. But this afternoon we found out that Arthur Roundtree had died. RICHARD: He'd been drinking. EMILY: So we got on the phone and snatched that place up. RICHARD: Oh, it's a fine piece of property. EMILY: Much better than our usual place. LORELAI: The both of you are going directly to hell, I hope you know that. RICHARD: Well, at least we'll be well rested. LORELAI: Touche. EMILY: I am so thrilled about this. RICHARD: I'm glad. EMILY: The two of you must come up for the weekend. It is so lovely. Rory would just love it. RORY: Can we go for a weekend? LORELAI: We'll see how much Valium Auntie Sookie can lend Mommy, OK? EMILY: The only drawback of course, is that we had to rent the place furnished, and Arthur had dreadful taste. Remember the library, Richard? RICHARD: Pink and green! Horrible. Just horrible. LORELAI: Well he's dead now so he got his. EMILY: Lorelai, you're being morbid. LORELAI: I'm being morbid? RORY: New subject please! LORELAI: Joan and Melissa Rivers here think I'm being morbid. EMILY: Rory, what's new in your life? RORY: Nothing. Just school, homework. LORELAI: Aprons. RORY: Do not go there. EMILY: What does she mean, aprons? LORELAI: Nothing. I was just teasing her. EMILY: About aprons? LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: I don't understand LORELAI: It's not important. EMILY: Then humor me. LORELAI: Nothing. Rory just dressed up in a cute apron the other day and so I was teasing her about it. RICHARD: Why did you get dressed up in an apron? LORELAI: (pause) Well. We've decided to give up on that pesky Harvard dream and focus on something more realistic. Mom, Dad, Rory's decided to become a maid, just like I was. Is that funny? Did she think that was funny? RICHARD: What would have posessed you to say such a thing? EMILY: And in front of Rory? LORELAI: I was kidding. EMILY: God. My heart stopped. LORELAI: Why don't you tell them about your bird? That seems like a safe subject. RICHARD: Your bird? RORY: Yeah, it's for school. Each of us have to follow a chick through its entire growth process. Everything has to be logged. Eating habits, sleeping habits. LORELAI: Houdini habits. RORY: She got out. LORELAI: She ran far. RORY: But she lived. LORELAI: She's a better bird for it. RORY: Thank God Luke found her. EMILY: Luke found her? LORELAI: What? EMILY: Rory said that Luke found her. LORELAI: Paying me back for the apron thing? RORY: Sorry. EMILY: Did the bird get loose at Luke's diner? LORELAI: No. EMILY: No? LORELAI: The bird got loose at home. EMILY: Your home? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: Ah. RORY: So, Grandpa, when's your next trip? RICHARD: Ah, Madrid, the twelfth. RORY: Wow. RICHARD: I think there's a nice addition of cervantes in it for you. RORY: Gracias. EMILY: What was Luke doing at your house? LORELAI: Oh, look, there's no ice. I'll get some. EMILY: I asked you a question. LORELAI: He was helping me find the bird, Mom. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: Yes, really. EMILY: And how did he know that the bird was missing? What, was he strolling by your house and he heard your plaintive cries for help? LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: Or the helpless cheep of a chick in trouble? LORELAI: I called him, Mom. OK? I called him and asked him to come over and help me look for the bird. OK? EMILY: It seems like this man is always around when you're in trouble. LORELAI: He's a good friend. EMILY: Oh, please. LORELAI: Do we have to discuss this? EMILY Lorelai, I'm getting a little tired of being lied to. LORELAI: Apparently we do. EMILY: This man was at Rory's birthday party, he came to the hospital with you, he's the male lead in every story you tell, you go to the diner every single day. I've seen the way he looks at you, the way you look at him. I'm not a fool. LORELAI: Mom, please. EMILY: Why do you treat me like I don't have a clue in the world as to what is going on in your life? Now I'm asking you, as a favor, if you have any respect for me at all as your mother, just tell me. Do you have feelings for this man? LORELAI: I don't know. Maybe I do. I haven't given it much thought. Maybe I do. EMILY: Thank you. I'm glad you were finally honest with me. Now we can discuss what on earth you could possibly be thinking. Don't forget the ice. (Cut to a man playing a guitar and singing as he walks across the street.) LUKE: So, you're sure we need this many cans? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, you need enough for two coats and touchups and little spots. No, I'm not sure. LUKE: Well we got the paint and the brushes and the tarps and all the other stuff the paint guy said we'd need, so I guess we're ready. LORELAI: Yes we are. LUKE: The only thing left to do is figure out when. LORELAI: How about Friday? LUKE: Friday? LORELAI: Yeah, I mean, you don't want the stuff sitting around. I don't know if paint goes bad, but judging by the smell of it when it's fresh, rotten paint would be really gross. LUKE: Don't you have dinner with your folks on Friday? LORELAI: Well, yeah, but I can get out early for a special occasion. LUKE: Friday it is. LORELAI: Good. (Lorelai leaves Luke and walks down the street. Rory catches her.) RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Oh, hey, you! RORY: Jeez -- you think you got enough paint? LORELAI: I know, I tried to tell him. So, dinner, thoughts? RORY: Let's have some. LORELAI: How about Chinese? RORY: Sounds good. LORELAI: OK. I need to stop at the market and get some fruit. RORY: Why? LORELAI: I think I'm getting scurvy. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah. Well that or a cold, but either way, I need some fruit. (As they get to the market, they hear a motorcycle and turn around to look.) TAYLOR: Damn motorcycles, they're a scourge. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Yeah. TAYLOR: They're loud, they're dangerous. We should ban them from town. LORELAI: Maybe we should set up barricades and ban all unwelcome strangers from crossing the border. TAYLOR: Well! Well, no we couldn't do that, that would be illegal. LORELAI: Darn laws. TAYLOR: Oh, got to get away from that noise. Taylor goes inside the market.) LORELAI: Kill me and bury me with that bike. RORY: What is it? A Harley? LORELAI: That is a 2000 Indian, 80 horsepower, 5 speed close ratio Andrews transmission and I want to get one. RORY: No. LORELAI: Why not? RORY: You'd die. LORELAI: Oh, that. (The bike stops at the market.) CHRISTOHPER: Hey. LORELAI: Hi. CHRISTOPHER: Nice shirt. Take it off. (He takes off his helmet.) LORELAI: Christopher. RORY: Dad! (Rory runs to hug him.) CHRISTOPHER: Hey! RORY: This is great! What are you doing here? CHRISTOPHER: I'm here to see you. And your mom, who's not saying anything about as loud as a person can. LORELAI: Hello. CHRISTOPHER: A word. Maybe there's a phrase in my future. OK, why is that man staring at me? RORY: That's Taylor Doose. He owns the market. He knows all and sees all. LORELAI: So, what's with the just showing up, Mr. Spontaneity Guy? CHRISTOPHER: Well, my folks are back in Connecticut so I'm here to see them, and on the way I thought I'd stop by and surprise the Gilmore girls. Are you surprised? LORELAI: Oh, the teeniest feather could knock me in the gutter. CHRISTOPHER: So where would somebody find someplace to stay around here? RORY: Stay, really? You're staying? CHRISTOPHER: Thinking about it. RORY: Stay with us! LORELAI: Um, sweetie... CHRISTOPHER: I don't think your mom -- LORELAI: No, it's not that, I'm still surprised. RORY: Mom, please. LORELAI: Why don't you stay with us for a couple of days? CHRISTOPHER: Thanks, Lor. You won't even know I'm there. (to Rory) Hey, hop on. LORELAI: Hop off. CHRISTOPHER: Hop on. LORELAI: Hop off. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai... LORELAI: (sighs) Hop on. (Rory gets on the back of Christopher's motorcycle and they ride down the street.) LORELAI: Christopher.
Plan: A: " The Donna Reed Show; Q: What show does Dean and Lorelai watch? A: Gilmore Girls -- Dean; Q: Who expresses a longing for the type of family represented by the show? A: Lorelai; Q: Who helps Luke paint the diner? A: Rory; Q: Who dresses up like Donna and fixes a 1950s style dinner for Dean? A: Babette's new kitten; Q: What does Rory pet sit for Dean? A: Rory's midterm project; Q: What is the baby chick that gets loose in the house the subject of? A: the house; Q: Where does Lorelai call Luke to help her search? A: her feelings; Q: What does Lorelai have to confront about Luke? A: Christopher; Q: Who agrees to stay at Lorelai and Rory's during his visit? A: town; Q: Where does Christopher roar into on his motorcycle? Summary: An evening of " The Donna Reed Show " reruns infects Dean and both Gilmore Girls -- Dean expresses a longing for the type of family represented by the show, Lorelai helps Luke spruce up the diner with a fresh paint job and new curtains, and Rory dresses up like Donna and fixes a 1950s style dinner for Dean while petsitting Babette's new kitten; when the baby chick that's the subject of Rory's midterm project gets loose in the house, Lorelai frantically calls Luke to help her search the house; both Sookie and Emily force Lorelai to confront her feelings for Luke; Christopher roars into town on his motorcycle, and agrees to stay at Lorelai's and Rory's during his visit.
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper and Leo are there snuggling on the couch, in their pyjamas. Leo sits up.] Leo: I think I'm gonna go up to bed. Piper: Oh, well, do you want some company? Leo: Well, I'm really tired. I think I just need to get some sleep. (He leans in to give Piper a kiss but instead, kisses her stomach.) Good night, little one. (Leo gets up and goes upstairs.) Man: I would be glad to keep you company. (Piper turns to see a handsome man standing in the living room. She stands up.) Piper: What are you doing here? (The man walks over to her.) Man: I'm, uh, sweeping you off your feet. Piper: No, I can't. Man: All I see is you. (There's a flash of light and Piper is now dressed in a beautiful gown. She's also not pregnant.) Piper: No, Ryder, please, this isn't right. I'm married. Ryder: Not in your dreams you're not. (He starts kissing her neck.) [Cut to Piper's Bedroom. Piper and Leo are asleep in bed. A transparent, glowing elderly man "The Sandman" leans over them and sprinkles gold dust on Leo.] [Flash to the stairway. Leo is walking down the stairs carrying a newborn baby.] Leo: I could just hold you forever. (Suddenly, the baby vanishes from his arms. He panics.) Where's my baby? (He runs down the stairs and searches the house.) Where are you? [Flash to Piper's room. Piper and Leo are asleep in bed. The Sandman walks through the wall.] [Cut to Paige's room. Paige is in bed asleep. The Sandman appears through the wall and sprinkles gold dust onto Paige. Her nose twitches.] [Flash to P3. A baby shower is taking place. Women are standing around a cradle holding gifts. Paige walks in carrying a toy clown. All the women drop their gifts and leave P3.] Paige: But wait, you haven't even seen the baby yet. (The creepy toy clown starts to talk.) Clown: What'd you expect? They don't care about the kid. Nobody does. (The clown laughs.) [Flash to Paige's bedroom. Paige is asleep in bed. The Sandman walks through the wall.] [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe is asleep in bed. The Sandman walks in through the wall. He sprinkles gold dust onto Phoebe.] [Flash to the basement. Phoebe walks down the stairs. She looks around, frightened. Suddenly, a person wearing a hockey mask and holding a chainsaw walks out of the shadows. He starts up the chainsaw and Phoebe screams.] [Flash to a campground. Phoebe appears there. The Sandman and a Tracer Demon is there.] Sandman: No, please don't! (The Tracer Demon zaps The Sandman and he turns into gold dust.) [Flash to Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe gasps and wakes up with a jolt. She notices The Sandman beside her, holding her hand. She pulls it away.] Sandman: Help me. This is not a dream. (The Sandman disappears.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. The room is covered in balloons and streamers. Paige is standing on top of a ladder reaching up to stick the end of a streamer onto the ceiling. It slips from her hands and falls to the floor. Paige sighs and turns to Leo who is fiddling around with a cabinet door.] Paige: Leo, a hand here? Leo: My hands are full. Paige: The shower is in two days. Your kid's not gonna be opening cabinets for another year. Leo: Tell that to Aunt Phoebe. She gave me a book. One thousand unexpected dangers for babies. Easy opening cabinets, number thirty-two. Paige: Alright, you leave me no choice. Streamer. (The end of the streamer orbs into her hand.) Leo: Magic for personal gain. Paige: It's not for me, it's for my niece. (She gets off the ladder.) Besides, I seem to be the only aunt who cares about this shower. Leo: Phoebe cares, she's just preoccupied. Paige: Oh, really? I'd say she skipped straight from preoccupied to paranoid. Leo: You're exaggerating. Paige: Am I? Yesterday a balloon exploded and she stormed down here with a vanquishing potion. (She picks up her clown doll.) She almost blew up old Slappy here. Leo: I think it's the recurring nightmares she's having. It's just making her a little jumpy. Paige: Really? God, you'd think with the Cole-free future she'd be dreaming nothing but happy, happy. Leo: You'd think. Paige: Yeah, if I let my recurring dreams affect my waking life, I'd never get out of bed. Much less throw a fabulous shower like this. Leo: Why not? Paige: I don't know, I've been having this recurring dream lately and I'm at P3, and as soon as I get up to the baby, everybody just disappears. Leo: Sounds like you and me have baby on the brain. All I can think of lately is just holding her. (Piper walks in.) Piper: Where is the man of my dreams? (Leo laughs and kisses her on the cheek. He touches her bulging stomach.) Leo: Speaking of my little one. (Paige blows up another balloon.) Piper: Well, alright, Beth Orton is playing at the club, I guess I'll get back to work. (Piper turns to leave.) Paige: Hey! You notice anything? Piper: Ooh, I have noticed that subtlety is not your forte. Paige: You don't like it? Piper: Well, I liked it, you know, fifteen streamers and twenty balloons ago. Paige: Nothing is too good for my future niece. Piper: Clearly. Ooh. (She puts her hand on her stomach.) I am so gonna be a soccer mum. This kid has one mean kick. Leo: I wanna feel a kick. (Leo goes over and touches her stomach.) Piper: Well, honey, unless you're a bladder or a kidney, you're not gonna feel it because she's kicking the inside. Leo: I never get to feel her kick. Piper: Count your blessings. Leo: I'm being summoned. Paige: Is it the Elders? Leo: No, it's not the Elders. It's Phoebe. (He orbs out.) [Cut to the attic. Phoebe is there flipping through the Book of Shadows. Leo orbs in.] Leo: What is it? (Phoebe jumps and screams.) Phoebe: Leo, do not sneak up on me like that. Leo: I wasn't sneaking and you called me. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, right. Okay, what do you know about Tracer Demons? Leo: Uh, lower level, mercenaries, able to track magical beings through different dimensions. Why? Phoebe: Because one was in my dream last night, that's why. Leo: The guy behind the mask? Phoebe: No, this one wasn't the chainsaw guy, he's still a mystery to me. It was something weirder, different. I was running away from him in the basement, right, that same guy, and then all of a sudden I was in the woods where I used to camp. Leo: You were in the past? Phoebe: No, it was the present. There was this weird creature standing there holding some kind of satchel, and then the demon killed him. Leo: Sounds like your recurring dream is getting more complicated. Phoebe: Yeah, except I think it was a premonition. Leo: A premonition during a dream? Phoebe: Yeah, why not? It's happened before. Leo: Phoebe, you've probably flipped past this drawing a hundred times and you said the camp was from your childhood, so chances are... Phoebe: Leo, I know what a premonition feels like, okay. Besides, when I woke up, the creature was standing in my bedroom begging me to help him. Leo: You sure that you weren't still dreaming? Phoebe: He said I wasn't. Then when I found the Tracer Demon in the book, I was sure I wasn't either. Leo: What would you like me to do? Phoebe: Go to the Elders. Find out if it really was a premonition because if it was, I have an innocent to save. (Leo orbs out.) [Scene: A wasteland. Dead trees are around the place. A small satchel is hanging from one of the trees. The Tracer Demon walks over to another demon.] Demon: Precious night gone by. And you come back empty handed. Tracer Demon: Yeah, but don't worry, I'll get him. Demon: Oh, it's not me that has to worry, it's you. You're the only demon that's failed me. Everyone else has found their mark. Tracer Demon: I'll get him tonight, I promise. I mean, he's easy to find, he watches over the same people, right? Demon: I'll need proof. Tracer Demon: Yeah, sure, I'll get it, yeah. Although, just out of curiosity... (He looks at the satchel hanging from the tree.) What is it you do with that stuff? Dream? (They both laugh and the demon hits the Tracer Demon, sending him flying.) Demon: Demons don't dream. But with each one of these I collect, it means more humans won't either. And without dreams, humans can't work through their issues while they sleep. Which means those issues spill out into their waking life, turning them angry, evil. Tracer Demon: I still don't understand what you get out of it. Not like it's any of business, of course, but... Demon: I get respect from the leaders of the Underworld and hopefully rewarded because of it. But if you fail me, I fail them. Understand? Tracer Demon: Perfectly. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise walks into the main room.] Elise: Okay, people, let's begin. Bill, nice job on that hostage stand-off piece yesterday. Bill: Thanks. Elise: Here's another one for you today. State Bank in North Beach, shots fired, go. Bill: Wow, that's the third time this week. (He walks away.) Elise: Some of you guys are gonna have to double up. (She walks over to a woman.) Uh, angry man, ploughs into farmer's market in his car. (She hands her a piece of paper. She moves over to a man.) Angry woman, attacks school principal with a knife. (She hands him a piece of paper and moves onto another man.) And in sports, angry coach knocks out umpire with a baseball bat. Phoebe: What the hell is going on out there? Elise: The city's going to pot, that's what's going on. Bad news for the city, good news for circulation. Phoebe: It's strange. Even my readers seem angrier. They keep asking for advice on how to deal with their tempers. Man: Hey, what are you doing? Woman: That's metro! That makes it my story! Man: It's mine! She gave it to me! (They pull on the piece of paper.) Elise: Hey! Hey! Stop it right now! Phoebe's Assistant: Sorry, to interrupt but I got Paige on the phone. You want me to take a message? Phoebe: No, no, I want to talk to her. (The man and woman continue to fight. Phoebe walks into her office and picks up the phone.) Hey. Paige: Hey, I can't decide on a place setting. It's either, "Baby in the Clouds", which is a little baby floating on a cloud or "Cozy Bug" a baby bumble bee on a pink flower. Phoebe: Oh, no, Piper's allergic to bees, remember? [Cut to Paige in her car, in a parking lot.] Paige: You're right, thank you so much. Phoebe: Wait, is that the only reason you're calling? (A car pulls up behind Paige and the driver honks the horn.) Paige: Yeah, why? Phoebe: Well, have you been watching the news lately? It just seems that everyone's at each other's throats. I mean, even here. Have you noticed anything weird? (The driver in the car behind Paige honks the horn again.) Driver: Back it up, lady! Paige: You know, now that you mention it, I have seen my share of a certain finger while driving over here. Phoebe: See, I think something's up. Something evil, maybe. Paige: Phoebe, seriously, I think you might need to get some help. You think danger is lurking around every corner. (The driver beeps the horn again.) Driver: Come on, lady! Paige: Lady, it's my spot. Besides, everybody is odd in San Francisco, that's why we fit in so well. Phoebe: Look, I know I've been jumpy lately and I'm really trying to deal with it. But just because I've been a bit neurotic, maybe, that doesn't mean I'm not right. (Suddenly, the driver appears at Paige's window.) Driver: Hey! Move it or lose it, lady! I want this space! (The lady walks away.) Paige: Maybe you are right. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper is sitting on the couch, tissue in hand, watching a soap on TV.] Sienna: (on TV) I never stopped loving you, Ryder. You know that, don't you? Ryder: (on TV) I just never thought I'd see you again, Sienna. Not after the yacht explosion. (On TV, Ryder and Sienna kiss. Phoebe and Paige walk in.) Phoebe: And he's standing over me, telling me I'm not dreaming. Paige: Well, I think you're crazy. What, now you think this is connected to your dream? Phoebe: The premonition in my dream. It would be a really big coincidence if it wasn't don't you think? (Paige walks in front of the TV.) Piper: Shh! I've been waiting for this for weeks, people. (Phoebe turns off the TV. Piper gasps.) No, don't do that. They're just getting to the good part. Phoebe: Well, rent the video, we have work that we have to do. (Phoebe sits down beside Piper.) Piper: It is not a video, it is a soap. Phoebe: Leo! Paige: Phoebe thinks that a demon is causing some anger epidemic. Piper: Give me that remote! Give it. (Piper tries to get it off Phoebe.) Phoebe: See! See, point positive here. (Leo orbs in.) Hey, anything? Leo: Based on what the Elders said, I think that your dream premonition is very real, which means so is the Tracer Demon. Piper: What Tracer Demon? Phoebe: And what about the creature? Do they know about the creature? Piper: What creature? Leo: Well, they think that it's a vir de somnio and if that's the case, you definitely need to save him. Paige: A vir de what? Leo: Vir de somnio. It's the original Latin term for a Sandman. Phoebe: Wait a minute, like, "Sandman bring me a dream"? Leo: One and the same. Only there isn't just one Sandman, there are many of them like angels. They visit good beings during their sleep, sprinkle them with dream dust so they can dream. Paige: I can't believe they exist, not that I should be surprised. Piper: Uh, yeah, but they don't know what we dream about, do they? I mean, that's all confidential clearly, isn't it? Leo: I don't know. But I do know they exist on a different plane, which means the only way to find one... Phoebe: Would be for a Tracer Demon to bring him into our plane. Leo: And kill him. Phoebe: Great. Piper: I don't get it. I mean, why would a demon be interested in killing people's dream? I mean, they're just harmless erotic fun. Paige: Did you say erotic? (Leo looks at Piper.) Piper: Exotic. I said exotic. Paige: Huh, I don't get exotic dreams, I just get disturbing ones. Phoebe: Mine are just scary. But that's how you work through stuff, right? In your dreams? Paige: So? Phoebe: So I think that's why everyone's been crazy. They're not dealing with their subconscious issues while they're dreaming. Piper: I think I got some issues to work out. Leo: So you said your premonition took place somewhere where you used to camp? Phoebe: Yeah, North State Campgrounds. Paige: Alright, lets go. (Paige heads for the door.) Piper: And save our dreams. (Piper struggles to get up.) Phoebe: Oh, Piper, maybe you should sit this one out. Piper: Why? Don't you need me to vanquish the demon? Phoebe: No, I'll make a potion. It's just you're not moving as swiftly as you used to and we might have to run. Piper: But... (Phoebe and Leo leave.) Fine, do it yourself. (She quickly grabs the remote and turns on the TV. Ryder and Sienna are in cuddling in bed.) Ryder: It's been so long. I never forgot what it feels like to be in your arms. Piper: Oh, I missed it! [Scene: North State Campgrounds. Night time. In a tent. A camper is asleep. The Sandman appears beside the camper and sprinkles gold dust on him. The Sandman walks out of the tent. The Tracer Demon is there waiting.] Tracer Demon: Did you really think I wouldn't come back for you? (The Tracer Demon waves his hand and brings the Sandman to this plane. He is no longer transparent.) Sandman: Actually, I was counting on it. (Paige orbs in with Phoebe.) Tracer Demon: Witches. (Phoebe races over to the Sandman. Paige throws a potion at the Tracer Demon. He throws an electric bolt at the potion, destroying it. The force pushes Paige backwards onto the ground. The Tracer Demon throws another electric bolt at Phoebe and the Sandman and Phoebe pushes the Sandman out of the way. He throws another which lands at their feet. As they land on the ground, a lot of dream dust escapes from his satchel and lands on Phoebe. Suddenly, the masked chainsaw man materialises near by. Phoebe sits up.) Paige: Who the hell is that? (The chainsaw man raises his chainsaw. Paige runs over and orbs out with Phoebe and The Sandman.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Paige and The Sandman are there. Phoebe is pacing up and down the room. Paige and The Sandman are sitting on the couch. Paige pokes The Sandman in the arm and he looks at her.] Paige: I'm sorry, I'm just so surprised that you're real. (Piper and Leo walk in carrying four cups of coffee.) Piper: Okay, this should keep our brains going on zero sleep. Do Sandmen even sleep? Sandman: Only when our charges are all awake. Piper: Oh, so basically never. Phoebe: Okay, can we focus here, because we have a demon to vanquish and a nightmare to deal with. Paige: And a baby shower to get to. What? I'm just saying. Leo: Any idea how Phoebe's nightmare came alive? Sandman: I don't know. It's never happened before. But then, no one's ever been hit with that much dream dust before either. Paige: So you think since she OD'd on the stuff he just popped out of her head? Sandman: Out of her unconscious. But now that he's out, he's obviously very real. Phoebe: Okay, does that mean he's gonna keep trying to kill me? Sandman: If that's what he tries to do in your dreams, yes. Phoebe: Great, that's just great. I need to think about this. (Phoebe leaves the room.) Piper: So we need to hurry up and find a way to put him back before any of our other dreams spring to life, shall we? Leo: Dreams like what? Piper: Never mind. (The Sandman givers Piper a look.) Paige: First though, I think we need to stop the Tracer Demon before this whole city turns into one huge nightmare, don't you think? Sandman: Yes, but there's more than one Tracer you have to worry about. There are others out there killing us. Leo: Which means there must be an upper-level demon behind them, orchestrating the attacks. Piper: Okay, so we write a summoning spell and we get the Tracer here and we freeze him, and we'll force him to talk, we'll vanquish him and his boss, and then The Sandman can go back to keeping dreams where they belong. Paige: Very impressive. And very fast. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Um, what are we supposed to do about my chainsaw killer? Piper: Oh, don't worry about him, we'll blow him up before he lays a blade on you. (The doorbell rings.) Who is that? Paige: Oh, that must be Becca and Wendy with the hors d'oeuvres trays. You're not against parsley are you? Leo: Get rid of them. Paige: No, I will not get rid of them. If I get rid of them I'll have to stop the shower and I'm not doing that. Piper: Alright, alright, easy, easy. Uh, we'll go take care of them, you guys go start the summoning spell. Go, go. (Phoebe, Leo and The Sandman head for the kitchen.) Paige: Oh, thank you, mother. Piper: Huh. Come on. [Scene: A wasteland. The demon pushes the Tracer Demon against a tree. He's angry.] Demon: Witches? You lost them to witches? Tracer Demon: If you'll just let me speak... Demon: Do they know about me? Tracer Demon: No, I swear. I can get to the Sandman before they ever do. Demon: I'm listening. Tracer Demon: One of the witches... She got hit with too much dream dust. Demon: So? (They hear a chainsaw and the demon spins around. They see the chainsaw man standing near by. The demon gets ready to attack the chainsaw man but the Tracer Demons stops him.) Tracer Demon: No! Wait. Sorry, I assure you he's no threat to us. Only to the witch who dreamed him up. (to the chainsaw man) You got his attention, you can turn that off now. (The chainsaw man turns off the chainsaw.) That right there is her worst nightmare, literally. And since she's scared to death of him, I'm thinking... (He walks over to the tree with hanging satchels.) If I could borrow a few of these satchels here, I might be able to make the other witches' dreams come to life too. Demon: And how is this supposed to help you fulfil your obligation to me? Tracer Demon: It'll distract them long enough for me to kill my mark and collect my bounty. I'd better take a couple extra just in case. (He takes four satchels and tucks them in his coat pockets. He turns to leave.) Demon: Excuse me. This better work, otherwise I'm gonna be your worst nightmare. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper puts a tray of food down on a chair along with other trays of food.] Piper: Paige, that's enough, I want them gone. Paige: Just relax, Piper. (Becca walks in carrying another tray of food.) Becca: The trunk is officially empty. Piper: Great, so we're done? Becca: No, way, there's the whole back seat. Piper: Oh, you're kidding, right? Becca: Hey, Paige is the one who sent us around to five different stores. (Wendy walks in carrying four large blue plastic bags.) Piper: Oh my god! Wendy: Okay, don't look in these bags, Piper. You're not supposed to see the door prizes. (Wendy puts the bags down and notices Slappy sitting on top of a cabinet.) Hey, Becca, I thought we nixed the clown idea. Piper: Oh, no, relax, that's just one of Paige's old toys. Slappy. Wendy: Oh, good, 'cause clowns are creepy. Becca: Especially that one. Piper: Don't let Paige here you say that. (Becca puts Slappy face down on the cabinet.) Becca: That's better. Piper: Okay, well, thanks, guys, you know, thanks for everything. You should really go. And we'll call you if we need any more stuff. Wendy: Go? Paige wanted us to do all this before the baby shower. Piper: Yeah, I know, but I'm the one that's pregnant and I think we've reached our limit. In fact, we've gone over it, way over it. Becca: That's all those crazy hormones talking. Maybe you should lie down and let us take over. Piper: No, no, I'm fine, really, I'm fine. The only thing crazy around here is the shower-mania, especially when we should be focusing on the de... details, details, like what are we gonna wear and stuff. Becca: Frankly, Piper, I'm surprised at your attitude. This is all for you. Piper: Oh, I know, and I'm thrilled, but right now I just need a little peace and quiet. You know, pregnant woman's prerogative and all. (She shows them out the door.) Wendy: If you say so. Piper: I do. Yeah, okay, thanks. (She closes the door and sighs.) [Cut to the attic. Phoebe, Leo and The Sandman are there. Phoebe scrunches up a piece of paper and throws it onto the pile of other scrunched up paper.] Phoebe: It's just a stupid summoning spell, I don't know why I can't come up with it. Leo: You need to relax, it'll come to you. Phoebe: You know, maybe it's because I'm not so sure this is a good idea. I mean, what if I bring the Tracer Demon here and it just makes matters worse? What then? He's surprised us before. Sandman: That was just luck. He didn't know your dream would come to life. Phoebe: Well, it did and unfortunately that's all I can think about. Leo: Maybe if you can stop and figure out what it means, you won't be afraid of it anymore. Phoebe: Leo, don't you think if I could do that I would've done it by now? I-I vanquish demons everyday, real ones, so some guy from my dreams should be a piece of cake, even with power tools. So why do I run from him? Do you know why? Sandman: No. I may be made of dreams, but I don't shape them. Perhaps if you can figure out who was behind the mask. Characters in dreams always symbolise something specific in one's life, a special person, a certain feeling or pain. Unmask that, de-mystify it, and the character goes away. Phoebe: I don't even know where to begin with that. My life is so great now, my marriage from hell is behind me. I don't know why I would start having nightmares now. Sandman: Only you can answer that, my dear. In your dreams. [Cut to the kitchen. Piper and Paige are carrying the trays of food in.] Piper: Not to sound unappreciative but this is kind of overkill. Paige: No, this is perfect. Nothing is too good for my future niece. Piper: Yeah, okay, but Paige, it's supposed to be a shower, not a coronation. Paige: Hey, it is not everyday that a half-whitelighter, half-witch is born into this world. We need to celebrate her. Piper: Okay, but her is not even gonna be here. (She touches her stomach.) Except for the occasional kidney shot. Which makes me wonder if maybe this is a little bit more about you than her. (Leo walks in.) Leo: Where are your friends? Piper: Gone but not forgotten. Leo: Are they coming back? Paige: Not till the shower. Why? Leo: Well, Phoebe's almost done with the summoning spell so we need to get ready. (The Tracer Demons appears in the kitchen.) Tracer Demon: You mean for me? (He throws two satchels full of dream dust onto Piper and Paige. They fall to the floor, asleep. He zaps Leo with an electric bolt and he crashes through the basement door. The Tracer Demon empties another satchel of dream dust onto Leo and disappears. Piper wakes up and stands up. She's wearing the evening dress from her dream. She's no longer pregnant.) Piper: Oh, no. Oh. (Ryder materialises in the room wearing a tuxedo.) Ryder: My love. Piper: No, how did you get here? (Ryder moves closer to Piper.) Go away. Shh! (He puts his arms around Piper and tries to push him away.) No, shoo, go! (He kisses her neck and she gasps. Paige wakes up and stands up, rubbing her face.) Paige: Who are you talking to? (Suddenly, Slappy the Clown materialises, life-size.) Slappy: What's the matter? Don't you recognise me, honey? It's Slappy. (He laughs, evilly. Piper looks down.) Piper: Where's my baby? Leo: Over here. (Leo struggles to get up. He walks into the kitchen with a very pregnant stomach.) Slappy: Yuck. Paige: Oh my god. Piper: Oh my god. Leo: (sees Ryder) Oh my god! (They hear a chainsaw and Phoebe scream.) Slappy: Ooh, that didn't sound good. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe, The Sandman and the Chainsaw Man is there. Phoebe is holding a coat rack out in front of her.] Phoebe: Paige! Piper! (The chainsaw man cuts the coat rack in half.) Sandman: It's no use, you can't fight your own dream. Phoebe: Wanna bet? (She stabs the chainsaw man in the chest with the coat rack. He drops his chainsaw and falls to the floor. Phoebe looks at her chest and it's bleeding in the same spot as the chainsaw man. She drops the coat rack and falls to the floor. The Tracer demon appears in the room.) Tracer Demon: Would Freud have a field day with this or what? Piper: (from the hallway) Phoebe, are you alright? Tracer Demon: Sweet dreams. (He zaps the Sandman with an electric bolt and he turns to a pile of gold dust. A satchel falls to the floor. The Tracer Demon picks up the satchel and disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and the Chainsaw Man is still on the floor. Piper and Leo race in.] Piper: Phoebe? (Piper kneels beside Phoebe and Leo awkwardly does the same. He starts to heal Phoebe.) What's taking so long? Leo: I don't know. Piper: He has the same wound? (Paige runs in.) Paige: What happened? Paige: We're not sure. Did you cage Chuckles? Paige: Slappy. And yeah, your guy too. Leo: About that guy... Piper: A little less bitching, a little more healing, please. (Leo heals Phoebe completely... and without knowing, heals the chainsaw man as well. They help Phoebe sit up.) Leo: Easy, easy, are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah. (She sees Leo's stomach.) Holy cow, are you okay? Piper: We all got hit by the dream dust, Pheebs. Paige: Hey, where's the Sandman? (They look at the pile of gold dust.) Oh, no. (The chainsaw man sits up and grabs his chainsaw. He stands up and tries to start it. Everyone quickly gets up.) Leo: How'd he get healed? Phoebe: Same way I did, I guess. Piper: Well, let's see if he can heal this. (She goes to blow him up but Phoebe stops her.) Phoebe: No, you can't kill him. You kill him, you kill me. (Paige grabs a box of crystals.) Paige: Run. He'll follow you, we'll meet you in the conservatory. Phoebe: Do what? Piper: She's right. Trust her. Come on. (Paige, Piper and Leo orb out. The chainsaw man gets his chainsaw started and chases Phoebe. Phoebe runs out of the attic.) [Cut to the stairs. Phoebe runs down the stairs with the chainsaw man following. She runs into the conservatory and he follows. Paige, Piper and Leo quickly place three crystals on the floor, trapping him in a crystal cage. Behind him are the clown and Ryder in their crystal cages.] Slappy: Who's the clown? Phoebe: Who's the fox? Leo: Good question. Piper: Don't ask. Ryder: I'm Piper's dream lover. (Piper gasps.) Piper: No, listen, listen, we've never slept together. I mean, in the dream world place. Paige: Maybe you guys should take this in the other room. Piper: Good idea. (Piper, Phoebe and Leo go into the living room.) Slappy: Psst. Paige. Pretty lame, don't you think? All the decorations. The party-goers will still disappear. (He laughs. Paige goes into the living room.) I got her number. [Cut to the living room. Paige walks in.] Phoebe: This is all crazy. Paige: What are we gonna do? Phoebe: Well, I made a promise to the Sandman and I'm gonna keep it. Piper: Okay, so we stick to the original plan. We get the Tracer back here. Leo: Yeah, that's real smart, Piper. Anything happens to your dream guy out there and your dead. Piper: I realise that. And ease up, will you? You're upsetting the baby. Phoebe: He's right though. Paige: Which means the Tracer Demon's gonna come back. Piper: So we gotta figure out what to do quickly. Any ideas? Phoebe: What if we cast a sleeping spell and deal with them in our dreams. Paige: Come again? Phoebe: Well, the Sandman said if we de-mystify them and we learn to understand them, then they'll just go away. Leo: Yeah, doesn't take a shrink to figure out Piper's dream. You wanna screw somebody else. Piper: Well, at least he makes me feel sexy and not like some walking incubator. Although, I guess that's what you've been dreaming about. Paige: Hey, guys, maybe not the time. Phoebe: No, this is good. The more we know, the better chance we have. Paige: Well, I don't know what in hell the clown means. Phoebe: Well, it's gotta mean something. Paige: Look, all I know is in my dream, I try to give the clown to the baby then everybody at the shower just walks away and I'm just left feeling... empty. Phoebe: Okay, well, you have to find out what that is. Follow through with it. Give the baby the clown and see what happens. (to Piper) And you, you need to follow through too, missy. You've created this dream guy to satisfy you, so maybe you should let him. Leo: What?! Phoebe: I'm sorry. Paige: Relax, dude. Women dream all the time. Phoebe: Yeah. Piper: Well, miss Phoebe, who's the killer behind the mask? Phoebe: Isn't it obvious? It's gotta be Cole. Piper: Why Cole? You're over him. Phoebe: Well, in my waking state, yes. But apparently not in my subconscious. Leo: What about me? Piper: Honey, we've got our own dreams to deal with and the Tracer, we'll deal with your Mr. Mum issues later. Phoebe: We need you to protect us when we go under in case the Tracer demon attacks. Will go guys work on the sleeping spell? Paige: All over it. Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe gets up.) Piper: Where are you going? Phoebe: To get some dream dust. That's what the Sandman was made of. (She leaves the room. Piper looks at Leo and smiles. She rubs his bulging stomach.) Paige: Come on, sis, let's go. [Scene: Wasteland. The demon and the Tracer are there. The Tracer is smoking a cigar.] Demon: What are you doing here? You got your bounty, didn't you? Tracer Demon: Yes, I did but I've been thinking about your plan to impress the Underground leaders. I think there's a better way to do that. Demon: Really. Tracer Demon: We killing Sandman is fine but wouldn't say, killing the Charmed Ones be more impressive? Demon: If it can be done. It would be done by now. Tracer Demon: I know, that's why I didn't show up to take out their Sandman until at least on of them was down. It started me thinking, with their dreams out and about, maybe they're more vulnerable now than they've ever been. Maybe it's time to go for it, really impress the leaders. Demon: Alright, what do you need from me? (The Tracer demon zaps the demon with an electric bolt and vanquishes him.) Tracer Demon: I need you outta my way. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Leo is there. He sits down on the couch and yawns. He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.] [Flash to Piper's room. Leo walks in the nursery.] Leo: Please, let me hold you. I just wanna hold you, baby. (He walks over to the crib and picks up the baby.) There. I've got you. [Flash to the living room. Paige wakes Leo up.] Paige: Leo, wake up. Snap out of it. (Leo gets up. Phoebe walks in carrying a bowl of dream dust.) Phoebe: Okay, just don't use too much. We don't want any problems coming to life. Paige: Are you sure it's okay to go to sleep with the Tracer Demon still out there? (Phoebe opens the door to the conservatory.) Ryder: Piper, I need you. I want you. Slappy: Come on, Paige, let's party! (He does a dance. Phoebe closes the door.) Paige: Let's get this over with. Leo: Okay, everybody, know what they need to do? Paige: Yep, I need to find out why I feel so empty. (The girls sit next to each other on the couch.) Piper: And I need to give in to my desire and... Leo: That's enough. Phoebe? Phoebe: I need to find the courage to kick my killer's ass. Ready? Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Let we who waken from our sleep, return at once to slumber deep." (They fall asleep and lay back on the couch. Leo sprinkles dream dust on Paige. He hesitates for a moment, then sprinkles some on Piper, and then sprinkles some on Phoebe.) [Flash to Phoebe's dream. Basement. Phoebe looks around.] Phoebe: I know you're down here. You always are. (The chainsaw man appears out of the shadows.) I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid. (She runs.) [Flash to Paige's dream. P3. Women are standing around a basinet. Paige walks in and everyone leaves.] Paige: But wait, you haven't even seen the baby yet. Slappy: But you should. That's why you're here, isn't it? Go ahead, take a peek. (Paige slowly moves towards the basinet. She looks inside and sees a baby wrapped in a blanket with "Paige Matthews" embroidered on it. She picks up the baby.) [Flash to living room. Paige wakes up.] Leo: Paige, are you okay? (Paige gets up and opens the door to the conservatory. Slappy vanishes.) Paige: The baby in the cradle was me. Nobody was allowed to celebrate my birth because it had to be kept a secret. I guess that's why I was trying to make up for it with your baby. Leo: It'll be different for her. But first we need to get her mummy back. (Paige nods.) [Flash to Piper's dream. Living room. Ryder moves closer to Piper.] Piper: Ryder, please, this isn't right, I'm married. Ryder: Not in your dreams you're not. (He kisses her neck and Piper breathes heavily. She pulls away.) Don't be afraid. You know you want to. (Piper and Ryder kiss passionately. They pull apart and Ryder is now Leo. Piper smiles.) [Flash to the living room. End of Piper's dream. Piper smiles in her sleep. Paige and Leo look in the conservatory and Ryder vanishes.] Leo: What happened? Where'd he go? Piper: Nowhere. (Piper walks over to Leo.) He was right here all along. (Piper kisses Leo.) I was dreaming about you, about us. The way we used to be. And I don't want that to change just because we're married and... (she looks at Leo's stomach) having a baby. Leo: It won't. (They kiss.) Paige: Uh, guys? Piper: Mm? Paige: Phoebe's not looking so hot. [Flash to Phoebe's dream. Basement. The chainsaw man is chasing Phoebe. He hits a shelf of stuff with his chainsaw. Phoebe runs up the stairs.] Phoebe: Come on, Phoebe, you can do this. It's now or never. (The chainsaw man climbs the stairs and Phoebe kicks him back down. He falls the the ground and multiplies. The other two are holding a butcher's knife and an axe. They stand up. Phoebe screams.) [Flash to the living room. Phoebe breathes heavily.] Piper: Phoebe? Honey, what's happening? (They look in the conservatory and the chainsaw man multiplies. They kick the crystals out of the way and the crystal cage disappears. The three of them move closer to Piper, Paige and Leo.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper pushes a table up against the door.] Paige: Don't let 'em in! (Leo and Piper lock the other doors.) Piper: This is not gonna hold long. Paige: Phoebe, will you deal with your issues already! Leo: Yelling at her is not gonna help! (The axe man chops through one of the doors. Piper screams.) Piper: Alright, that's enough. (She goes to blow them up but Leo stops her.) Leo: Piper, don't. You kill them, you kill Phoebe. Paige: What the hell are we gonna do? (The chainsaw man and the axe continue to chop their way through the doors.) [Flash to Phoebe's dream. Kitchen. Phoebe is there. The chainsaw man cuts his way through the door. Phoebe screams. The three of them move towards Phoebe.] Phoebe: What am I supposed to do to make them go away? Unmask them and he goes away. That's it. (She kicks the axe man and then removes the mask, revealing herself.) Phoebe: Oh my god. [Flash to the living room. The chainsaw man, axe man and butcher's knife man move in closer. Piper, Paige and Leo back away.] Piper: Phoebe, hurry up. (The men vanish.) Leo: Where'd they go? (Phoebe wakes up. Paige sits down beside her.) Paige: You did it, you kicked his ass. Phoebe: No, actually, I didn't, I just unmasked him. Or me, rather. Piper: You? Uh, the killer was you? Phoebe: Yeah. How narcissistic is that? Paige: That's weird. I thought my clown was strange. Phoebe: What happened in here? Leo: Uh, nothing much, we've just been protecting you from apparently you. Piper: Wait a minute, I don't get it. I thought Cole was involved in your nightmare. Phoebe: Yeah, so did I, until I stopped running scared and realised that I was just running from myself. Paige: I don't follow. Phoebe: Kind of an old issue for me. Self sabotage. I just kept beating myself up with the whole Cole thing, not thinking that I deserve to move on. Piper: Oh, you deserve it. Paige: Well, the good news is, is that it's over for all of us. Phoebe: Mm-hm. (Leo groans.) Leo: Ooh. Piper: Maybe not all of us. Leo: She kicked. I felt the baby kick. (Leo's stomach deflates and Piper's inflates.) Now why did that happen? Phoebe: Well, you said you wanted to be closer to the baby. Piper: So you were, now you're not. Leo: Yeah, well, right now I wanna be closer to my wife. (Piper and Leo kiss.) Phoebe: Eww. (The Tracer demon appears.) Tracer Demon: Prepare to die, witches. (Piper and Leo pull apart and turn to the Tracer. The Tracer demon looks around.) Where are you dreams? Piper: Boy, are you ever late. (Piper blows him up.) Paige: Why'd you do that? We needed to find out who he was working for. Piper: Oh, there's more where he came from. Besides, we're saving dreams. I don't want a lot of cranky women at my baby shower. Unless, you know, having one is gonna bring up some issues for you. Paige: No, no, I'm fine. You know, I would even be so big as to consider moving it to P3. Piper: Well, I can't, I've got Beth Orton booked for tonight. Paige: What better way to celebrate? Just hope we can stay awake long enough to enjoy it. [Scene: P3. Beth Orton is performing on stage. People are dancing and having a good time in front of the stage. At the back of the room, there are opened presents and a half-eaten cake. Piper, Phoebe and Paige sleep soundly, Slappy under Paige's arm.]
Plan: A: A demon; Q: Who attacks the Charmed Ones with dream dust he stole from a Sandman? A: life; Q: What do the Charmed Ones' nightmares come to? A: Phoebe; Q: Who learns that her attacker is herself? A: Piper; Q: Who blows the demon up? A: a secret and sexy lover; Q: What does Piper dream she has? A: Paige; Q: Who dreams about her childhood clown doll and loneliness? A: Leo; Q: Who is Piper's lover? A: their worries; Q: What must the sisters defeat in their dreams? A: her secret birth; Q: Why is Paige afraid of being alone? A: The demon; Q: Who is surprised to see that the Charmed Ones are not backing him up? Summary: A demon attacks the Charmed Ones with dream dust he stole from a Sandman, causing their nightmares to come to life. Phoebe dreams about someone trying to kill her, Piper dreams she has a secret and sexy lover, Paige dreams about her childhood clown doll and loneliness, and Leo dreams about something happening to the baby. The sisters must defeat their worries in their dreams, before they are destroyed. Ultimately, Phoebe learns that her mysterious attacker is herself, Paige is afraid of being alone due to her secret birth, and Piper's lover is actually Leo. Leo ends up feeling closer to the baby when he feels it kick. The demon shows up expecting to have their nightmares backing him up and is shocked to see that they are not and Piper blows him up.
Ted (2030): Children, it is believed all know how long it takes to recover from a breakup. At the apartment of Lily and Marshall, Lily and Ted in the kitchen. Lily: Half the time the relationship. Marshall: One week per month spent together. At the apartment, Ted is sitting on the couch with Robin. Robin: Just 10,000 glasses. No matter how long it takes. It is now McClaren's with Barney. Barney: You can not measure something like that in a while. It is step by step. From his bed at the front door. Bam! You're outside. Next! Ted (2030): But you're beginning to recover when you meet the person who puts you in the game. This is the story of how I met this person. (Ted takes the elevator with a woman. She goes out and Ted is in the elevator) Children, if you go swimming, you immerse them directly. (Another, he finds himself again in the elevator with the woman) First, you dip your toe in the water. Ted: Hi. Woman: Hi. She goes back to the elevator. And the next day, they are again in the elevator together. Ted (2030): You take the temperature, to get an impression. Ted: For me it's Ted. Wife Vicky. Then she goes out. Another day, between Ted and then take the elevator to spring. Vicky arrives and does the same. The elevator reaches the ground floor and ride the elevator together. Ted (2030): And you come back gently into the water. Ted: I was left on the altar, there is one month. Ted (2030): Or, you know, the bomb. Ted: It was a complete disaster and since then I have not even managed to look at another woman. Except the old lady in the subway that makes break dancing. I look at it that way. I just watched. Finally, it is an old lady who made the break dance.And it is good. I will give him a dollar, the next time. Let's pretend I said it: These travel lift were asleep the moment of my week, and I would like to see you Friday night. In a lift. At the restaurant, nice. What do you think? Vicky: Yes. GENERIC Ted (2030): Children, I saw a bunch of crazy stuff on entering the apartment all these years. Flashback On November 26, 2004, Ted returned to the apartment. There are two acrobats and Lily with its range of hand painting. Lily: Sorry guys. I'll just make a fruit cup. July 16, 2007, Barney was handcuffed and locked in a box filled with water. Marshall: It's been 12 minutes! December 15, 2006, Robin holds a gun in his hands and also two men, including one on TV under his arm. Robin: Put it! Man 1: You first! Man 2: Why you referred me, Ike? Ike: Do not say my name! Robin: Ask your weapons! May 8, 2009, a goat is in the living room. End flashback Ted (2030): But one of the craziest things I saw happened when I was a roommate with your Aunt Robin. Ted returned to the apartment and found a naked man sitting on the couch. Ted: You're who? Man Mitch. Ted: What are you doing, Mitch? Mitch: You must be the roommate. I'm with Robin. She came out to take a call. I think its handheld gaming here. Ted: Robin did not use the super secret signal. We put the old menu on the handle. This restaurant had to close. Mr. Popol...No need to explain why it's funny. I'm off. When leaving, take the pillow with you. This is a waste now. Ted left the apartment. Robin is still out on the phone. Robin: I think I am more than qualified for the job. My weaknesses? I would say too caring, overworked, and I spend my career first. Oops! The latter is true. What? Ted finds Barney, Marshall and Lil McClaren's in there. Ted: Apparently, our sweet, innocent, little Robin led a lover. A young skinny named Mitch. Lily: His thing arranged? A real disaster. She sent me text messages all night. She just let go to use the bathroom. Ted: Excuse me one minute. He gets up and goes back to the apartment. Mitch: Man, you annoy me. I am in action here. Ted: What action? Mitch: This is my technique. It's called, "The guy with hair." Ted: "The guy naked?" Flashback Robin returned to the apartment with Mitch. Mitch: That's the trick. You're the first date, you've had a few drinks, you go out an excuse to go to the girl. Robin: The bathroom is. (His phone rings) You know what, I will respond. Mitch: Then when she leaves, you undress and wait for you.When she returns, she laughs. She is so fascinated by your insurance, and your bravado she sleep with you. End flashback Ted: No chance it works! Mitch: Two out of three. Ted: Two out of three? Mitch: Two out of three. You just choose your moment. "The guy naked" mostly run as a last resort, the last resort to first appointment when you know that there will be no second. Ted: How do you know? Mitch: Look at me. Ted: I'd rather not. Mitch: Robin is not in my division. I'm not smart, funny and handsome. As you can see, there is nothing impressive nowhere there. My only chance with a girl like Robin, is the surprise. And let's be honest, a little pity. This is shock and "Ohhh." Ted: It does not work really. Mitch: Two out of three. Guaranteed. Back at the bar... Marshall: No December '. Ted: Two out of three. He assured me. Barney: Seriously. No chance it works on Robin. It will come, take a look at this idiot and send tampers. Lily: She'll beat him up, yes. Marshall: It's going to take his gun and shoot him. They laugh and run off the bar. They arrive at the door where the menu is hung on the doorknob. Marshall: My God! Ted: It worked. Marshall: The business returns for Mr. Popol. At the bar... Barney: "The naked guy" works! It will revolutionize the blows of an evening! It's like the forward pass in American football.Dunk the basketball. This stuff barber where they hold the wick and cut above. It changes everything! Lily: Barney, this guy has slept with Robin, you say that being in love. How it makes you excited? Barney: "The naked guy" is more important than me and Robin. All these years, I broke my ass, with my secret identity, my laps and my gadgets. I mean, I'm Batman. But this guy is Superman. He tears his clothes and go. Lily: What kind of gadgets you talking about? Ted: So, it's going to be, a roommate? I come home, and guys with whom you will go out sitting on the couch, naked. Robin: I can not tell you. Ted: I can not believe that "The guy with hair 'market has on you. Robin: How do you say? I entered and he was naked. It was funny. I laughed, he laughed. And then it happened. I know not. Marshall: I say ***** s! Robin: Sorry? Marshall: Sorry Robin, but cate with this type suggests that all that separates you from s*x, it's the clothes. Robin: I have not slept with Mitch because he was naked. Marshall: So, why did you lie? Robin: Because... It... It... because I like Mitch. Much. There was a... connection specificity. Specificity and feelings. Marshall: Because he was naked. Sorry, but I disagree. There is only one reason to sleep with someone, and it is "love".Marshall is a big girl because he believes in love and read "And it was true" because the secretaries were forced to join the Oprah book club. But you know I'm right. Lily: Marshall, I love you, but there are plenty of reasons to lie. Marshall: Cite me one. Lily: I will quote 50. Marshall: You could not. Lily: Number one: last Thursday. Flashback Marshall and Lily are in bed. Lily does not sleep. Lily: Marshall, you wanna do? Marshall: I'm here. End flashback Marshall: You have defiled the marital bed because you could not sleep? Lily: It was you who said, "This shadow on the ceiling, it looks an awful clown toothless. Good night, Lily. " Marshall: Okay! It makes one. But I dare you to... Lily: I'll give you 50. There's s*x reconciliation... breaking s*x, and s*x "a friend told you about a new position." Barney: You're welcome. There is also "revenge", "bounce back", "parachuting". When you're traveling, but instead of going to the hotel, you'll live in a bar to find a girl to get a foothold. Robin: Oh, that, "the kiss for a roof." Marshall: ***** S! Robin: I do not. My roommate in college did. Marshall: No, Robin, it's just a bad cough. I'm not really a bad cough. We all know that the "roommate in college," it's you, ***** s! Nobody has a Strepsil? Lily: Oh, I have one. s*x "bugger all on TV." Ted: The s*x "hotel room". Barney: "Curiosity," style, "Me have always wondered how to do this is with a great girl." Big guy not a girl, just great. Like...if a normal girl was 2.10 m, 2.25 m high, and... wearing a mini denim skirt. I wonder how it is. 42 reasons later... Robin: s*x, "He says he loves you, but do not want to say the same." Lily: 43. Ted: "The co-pilot who jumps on the grenade to a friend." Lily: 44. Barney: "Condoms will expire." Lily: 45. It gets a little tough. Barney: 46! Lily: Still 4. "You make a crisp fall on his knees and the when you picked up, he thinks it is an approach, and it happens." Marshall: Thanks for ruining the memory of the anniversary of our six months. Lily: You gave me some chips. Marshall: You can stop with this stupid list? You make me sad. Lily: No, I have fun. But this thing of a "partner", it sucks sometimes. I always talk about you. I can not play "I never," because everyone knows all the quirks that I let you do. Marshall: The only oddity that I did was to open my heart and my soul when I had put me to hair when the room was empty. Robin: I have not slept with Mitch because he was naked!Mitch and I have something special. My fingers are crossed.That may be correct. Marshall: The good? Mitch? The guy naked? Barney: You mean the naked genius. All this time I wore a suit when I should have removed it. That's it. I "The guy naked," tonight. And you too. Ted: What? Barney: With the girl from the elevator. You're with her tonight?"Dude naked"! Ted: This is the first girl I had the courage to invite, from Stella. Barney: "Dude naked"! Ted: This is the eighth place I try tonight! I cut my hair 3 times! I am out! Robin: You're makeup? Ted: It's not the makeup! It is a sun cream with a subtle shade of... It is for men. It's good, I want my eyes stand out. Barney: "Dude naked"! Ted: No, Barney, I like Vicky. It could be serious. I want to do anything stupid to jeopardize that. Barney: I really like... this girl, but... I had not seen from behind. I really like... this girl. And I am willing to compromise our future for a night of glory. "Dude naked"! Barney gets up and goes to see the woman at the counter. Ted (2030): That night we all had something to prove. Robin wanted to defend his honor. Robin (on phone): Mitch, baby, that's me. Robin. Want to grab something to eat tonight? Because you're my boyfriend! [SCENE_BREAK] Lily is sitting on the couch, when Marshall returns. Ted (2030): Lily needed to prove she could finish his list. Lily: I'm stuck. I find it the last 2. Marshall: Reason 48: "To reinforce good behavior, such as shaving or dental hygiene." Now you conditioned me? Great!That's why I have an erection when I go floss. Ted is the restaurant with Vicky. Ted (2030): I had to prove that as scary as it may be out, Stella and I had forgotten I was ready to return. (Barney from the bar with a woman) And Barney had to prove that he too could be "The guy naked." In women... Barney: Thanks for letting me see your aquarium. You save my life. Woman: Sure, no problem. Barney: I just go to the bathroom and I'm off. Ted, I do. I "The guy naked"! Ted: Me too! Ted is in the living room of Vicky, naked. Barney: You... Ted: I do. I "The guy naked"! Barney: It's great! Why did you change your mind? Ted: The evening started well, but... not as good as I hoped. Flashback At the restaurant... Vicky: Oh, my God! Ted, you're so funny! And I can tell you that you have beautiful eyes. Ted: What, this old stuff? The server reverses a pitcher on Vicky. Vicky: Well done, hothead. Server: I'm sorry. Vicky: Stop! Go and tell the director he owes us an entry. One of those with shrimp! Nothing. You were saying? And then his cane missed the last step and fell, while, I swear, at least 2 minutes. God, I love old. End flashback Ted: When I realized that there was no future in this relationship, I decided to do. Barney: Great! OK, the important question: What will your pose "naked guy"? Ted: It's a good question. I have not really thought. Barney: I thought "Superman." Ted: And the "Captain Morgan"? Barney: And "Oops, I did not have you seen?" Ted: The Thinker? Barney: And the Heisman? Ted: Mr. Clean? Barney: The "Burt Reynolds". Robin is the restaurant with Mitch. Robin: It's a pleasure to see you again. I really enjoyed it last night. So how does it feel to hold a Pizza Hut? Who had the idea to put a pineapple in the... Mitch: OK, enough. I know what it is. I have already given. This is the hot date "I'm not a ***** s". Robin: What? It's crazy. Usually, you see clearly in my game, but there you are mistaken. Mitch: C'mon, Robin. One of us has had a good time, and you know it's me. Robin Mitchell... Thing is... not true! Mitch: Really? How was the s*x? Robin: I have not hated. Mitch: Did you see my technique. That's it. I have nothing to offer you. I am ruined, I sweat when I eat, and I'm in fantasy football leagues 5. I talking about it. Believe me, you want to be. Robin: What? Of course I do! I did not sleep with you just because you were naked. Mitch: But if. And now you pretend that it was more to feel better. Say what you want, at least "The naked guy" is honest. Ted and Barney are always on the phone, naked in the living room of Vicky and the other in the bathroom of another woman. Ted: What do you think of the good old "Baby Cadum"? Barney: The Olympic gymnast successful landing. Ted: I gotta go. Barney: "Dude naked"! They hang up. Ted: It's nice home! Vicky: Thank you, from you, it's a real compliment. I love you to be an architect, it's fascinating. I could listen to you talk about design structures all night. Ted (2030): This is where I saw, lying on the table, a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda. The same issue I had in college. And the bookmark was my favorite poem. Maybe I was wrong about this girl. It was perhaps a future. Ted: Damn! He dressed quickly. Vicky returns to the show. Vicky: And that's it. Ted: Pablo Neruda. Vicky: Yeah, this book is a sh1t. An idiot with whom I left it out there. This is in Mexico. (She returns to the kitchen) You know who writes good poems? Jewel. She has rotten teeth and she lives in a car. It has stuff to tell. When she returns, Ted is naked. Barney is naked in the hallway, in the woman he met at the bar. And Lily is naked in the apartment. Ted joined Marshall and Lily to McClaren's. Ted: "The naked guy" works! I just sleep with a horrible person. I'm back! Marshall: Congratulations, buddy. Ted: You're not the only one who provided e "Dude-haired." Flashback Marshall discovers Lily naked in the living room. Marshall: You just want to do to change the subject. Lily: Hey, it's 49! It worked? Marshall: As if I had just flossing. Lily: I love you. Marshall: It's been 50. End flashback Ted: Pretty! What made you ask? Lily: It's "I have breasts." Marshall: right on target. Mitch and Robin arrive. Ted: My God! Guys, guys! That's him! This is "The guy naked"! Robin: Ted, his name is Mitch. And... this is my boyfriend. So... Marshall: Okay, I'll treat you more ***** s. Robin: Okay you can go. It's over. Mitch: Thank you. Ted: Wait, Mitch, I have to thank you. We all tried "The guy naked," tonight. Marshall: We should see what is Barney. He calls Barney but the young woman who wins. Woman: Hello? Marshall: Hi, Barney's there? Woman: No. Flashback When the woman discovers Barney naked, she starts shouting. Woman: My God. What is your problem? Vire! Barney: I take my costume. It is expensive. Just tie... Woman: Get out, now! Releases, you ugly whack! Barney: Call me. End flashback Woman: And if I see him, I called the cops. She throws the phone in the toilet. Mitch: Two out of three. Ted: I want you to know tonight, as crazy as it was, took me out of my shell. Mitch: That's the beauty of the "naked guy." It gives you just what you need. Nothing more, nothing less. If you'll excuse me, I have to replace the shoulder of one of my quaterbacks imaginary football. He dislocated his shoulder! Ted: A toast... Mitch. The sum of its parts makes him a man.But when it serves its parts, it becomes much more. It does not fit the definition of a hero, but he is the one I needed. The hero who helped me get over the disaster of the failure of my marriage and I was almost back in the saddle. He lives in the shadows. Is this a dream? The truth? A fiction? Damnation?Salvation? It is all that and also, no nothing. Because it is..."The guy with hair." Barney is naked in the street. Woman: My God! He arrives at a costume store for sale. Barney: thank you God. He goes his way, naked.
Plan: A: Ted; Q: Who walks into his apartment to find Robin's date naked on his couch? A: Robin's date; Q: Who is sitting naked on Ted's couch? A: a technique; Q: What does Ted learn about that could revolutionize dating? Summary: Ted walks into his apartment to find Robin's date sitting naked on his couch. He learns about a technique that could revolutionize dating for the whole group, and everyone thinks about whether or not they should try it out that night.
-[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Emma, Mary Margaret, Mulan, and Aurora are walking back to the haven.) Aurora: I don't know if I can do this. I'm not a very good liar. MMB: Oh, it's not really a lie, Aurora. Lancelot did die an honourable death, and Cora did escape. All true. Just leave the particulars to us. There's no reason to cause unnecessary panic amongst your people. Aurora: I'm not so sure it's unnecessary- (Mulan notices that the guard tower is empty.) Mulan: Wait. The tower - we always have sentries guarding the entrance. Stay close. (The four of them enter the area below the guard tower, where they find piles of corpses strewn across the field.) Emma: Oh my God... Mulan: This can't be... Our land... We were protected here - hidden. How did the ogres find us? (Mary Margaret notices that the bodies have bloody chests.) MMB: Ogres didn't do this. Mulan: What? MMB: Cora did. Their hearts... They were ripped out. This is her magic, twisted and evil. We have to stop her. Mulan: Too late. She killed them. She killed them all. MMB: Well, we have to stop her before she hurts anyone else! Emma: Hey! Hey! Look! (Emma rushes towards a stack of bodies and debris, under which she sees someone waving their hand.) Aurora: There's someone under there. (Aurora helps Emma free the person, who turns out to be Hook.) Aurora: He's alive. Hook: Please. MMB: It's okay. Hook: Please, help me. MMB: It's okay. You're safe now. We won't hurt you. Hook: Thank you. Thank you... -[Real World]- (Outside of Granny's Diner, Dr. Whale approaches David.) Dr. Whale: You - we need to talk. (David punches him in the face.) Dr. Whale: Ow! What the hell was that for? David: Sleeping with my wife. Dr. Whale: Kathryn? David: Snow. Dr. Whale: Look, I didn't know, alright? I was cursed. David: Yeah, I got it. What do you want? Dr. Whale: So... Is it true? People are saying that you're trying to find a way to build a portal back to your land, because that's where you think Emma and Mary Margaret are - that they're alive. David: Well, the whispers can stop. I have no secrets from this town. That's exactly what I'm doing. Dr. Whale: But the land, it's... It's gone. Destroyed by the curse. David: Apparently not. Dr. Whale: Well, you having any luck? David: Not yet. We're working on it. Dr. Whale: Does that mean that all the lands still exist? David: Possibly. Dr. Whale: So, the Queen lied to us. Again. Are you sure? David: Remember who we're talking about. [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie answers the door to his office to find Regina standing there.) Archie: Regina. Are you here to see me? Regina: I've been trying to keep my promise to Henry, but it's been difficult... Archie: To not use magic. Regina: It's been two days. Archie: That's an excellent start. Come on in. (Regina enters the office and sits on the couch across from Archie.) Regina: It's just that, magic is the way I've always gotten everything. Archie: It sounds like it's also the way you've lost everything. Regina, this is your chance to start over - to earn Henry. (Dr. Whale barges into the room.) Archie: Dr. Whale, this is highly inappropriate. Dr. Whale: Send me back. Regina: Excuse me? Dr. Whale: To my land. Send me back to my brother. Regina: Why don't you check the 'missing' board like everyone else? Dr. Whale: Your curse only brought the living. Regina: Well then, I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid I can't send anyone anywhere. Dr. Whale: Can't or won't? Archie: Dr. Whale, I have to insist, please. Go! (Dr. Whale exits and Archie shuts the door behind him.) Archie: Sorry. What you said isn't entirely true, is it? Regina: I'm sorry? Archie: About the curse only taking the living. The grave of your father's here, right? Regina: I don't care about Whale or his brother. I brought who I wanted. Archie: Anyone else? If you want help, you have to try and trust me. Stopping magic is a lot harder than starting. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen and Rumpelstiltskin are having a magic lesson in the forest. They are practicing on a black unicorn.) Rumpelstiltskin: Now, show me what you've learned. Immobilize it. (She magically freezes the unicorn.) Evil Queen: There. I did it. Rumpelstiltskin: Excellent work, my apprentice. Now there's just one last tiny, tiny, teeny little detail. Take its heart. Evil Queen: Like what my mother did to- Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, your true love. Indeed. Then, you already know how it's done. (The Evil Queen slowly inches her hand towards the unicorn's chest.) Rumpelstiltskin: Gentle. If you do it right, no harm will befall it. Unless, of course, you will it. (She withdraws her hand.) Evil Queen: I can't. It's innocent. Rumpelstiltskin: Nothing is innocent. (Rumpelstiltskin magically removes the unicorn's heart, which removes the immobilization spell.) Rumpelstiltskin: Now, it belongs to me. You see, when you take a heart, it becomes enchanted. Stronger than a normal heart. You're not hurting the beast - you're controlling it. Now, show me you know what to do with that power. (He tosses the heart to the Evil Queen.) Rumpelstiltskin: Kill it. Evil Queen: What? Rumpelstiltskin: You've seen it done, now do it yourself. Show me, you can take the next step in your training. Crush it. (She slowly begins to squeeze the heart, but stops when she sees the unicorn wither on the ground in pain.) Rumpelstiltskin: Dearie, dearie, dearie. And I had such high hopes. Evil Queen: And I didn't sign up to kill unicorns. Rumpelstiltskin: Magic is power. Until you can take power, you're not learning anything. Do you want me to teach you or not? Evil Queen: Yes. Rumpelstiltskin: Then there's one simple question for you to ponder. Evil Queen: I'll tell you anything. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't need the answer - you do. What's holding you back? -[Real World]- (Regina and Archie are still sitting in the office together. Regina flashes back to when she put the enchantment spell on Daniel's body in the Fairy Tale World.) Regina: His name was Daniel. I preserved his body with an enchantment spell. He's dead, but frozen. And I've kept him in my family mausoleum. Archie: Because you couldn't let go of him. If you can't let go of the past, Regina, it's doomed to haunt you. Regina: You know what? I think this has been quite enough. (Regina gets up and heads for the door. Archie tries to stop her.) Archie: Regina, wait. I... I can help you. Regina: I doubt it. (She leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (That evening, Regina is driving home during a thunderstorm. As she's driving, a car cuts her off and she stops abruptly. When she looks up, she sees Daniel staring at her from across the street.) Regina: Daniel? (Regina briefly looks away, but when she looks back, Daniel is gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David and Henry arrive at the stables in David's truck. David gets out.) David: Alright! (Henry also gets out of the truck. David notices him yawning as they enter the stables.) David: Come on. What's with the yawn? This isn't school. It should be fun. Henry: I couldn't sleep. David: Hey. I know. I miss 'em, too. Now, just think how happy Emma and Snow will be when they come home to find that you've become a proper knight. Say hello to your steed. (They come to a row of stalls housing the horses.) Henry: Is he mine? David: This one's yours. Henry: Really? So... How do I get on him? David: Oh, you're not riding today. Henry: I'm not? David: No. There's much to learn before you hop in the saddle. Henry: Like what? David: Well, every morning, you'll have to muck out his stall. Then, you'll brush him and feed him. After school, you'll do it again. Every day, twice a day. Henry: That's not riding, that's babysitting. David: Ah. Horsesitting. It builds an essential bond. The trust between knight and steed. Henry: Okay. But, when will I ride him? David: When the horse tells you. I'm going to go check in on the dwarves - see how the mining's coming. I'll pick you up later. Henry: So... Anything you want to tell me? [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina enters her father's mausoleum at the graveyard. Underground, she enters a room with a glass coffin similar to Snow White's. However, the coffin is empty and Daniel's body is gone.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin is spinning straw at the wheel, while the Evil Queen prepares potions.) Evil Queen: Are you ready to begin? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I've been ready. The question is, are you? Evil Queen: Yes, I am. Rumpelstiltskin: Tell me why you're really here. Evil Queen: For power- Rumpelstiltskin: Stop wasting my time! What is it you want? Come on. You've done all your soul searching. Now tell me. Evil Queen: Can you teach me how to use magic to bring back the dead? Rumpelstiltskin: That's what this is about? The stable boy? Evil Queen: I want true happiness. Rumpelstiltskin: Then find it elsewhere, dearie. Magic can do much, but not that. Dead is dead. Evil Queen: Then I am lost. Rumpelstiltskin: And I've had my time wasted. I'm sorry but, uh, transcending death is beyond even my reach. (Jefferson enters.) Jefferson: I thought nothing was beyond your reach? ...Busy. Should I... Rumpelstiltskin: No, no. Nothing important going on here. Evil Queen: Rumpelstiltskin... Rumpelstiltskin: Ignore her. Jefferson: I got what you wanted. (Jefferson hands Rumpelstiltskin a crystal ball.) Rumpelstiltskin: What about the slippers? Jefferson: Oh. Couldn't find 'em. Heard talk they've already been moved to another land. Rumpelstiltskin: That's what I needed to get to that other land. Jefferson: Well, come with me in my hat. I'm sure we can work something out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no. Your hat only transports between magical realms. I need to get to a land without magic. Jefferson: Why would anyone want that? Rumpelstiltskin: My business. Jefferson: You want the ball or not? (He takes the crystal ball.) Rumpelstiltskin: Mm... Yes. Help yourself to as much gold as you deem appropriate. Oh, and you. You can let yourself out. Our work is done. Evil Queen: Wait, so that's it? You're not going to teach me anymore? Rumpelstiltskin: So long as you harbour foolish notions of bringing back the dead, so long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future. Teaching you is a waste of time. Jefferson: Pardon me...for eavesdropping, but I think you need to look elsewhere for assistance. Evil Queen: What do you know about it? Jefferson: I hear things. Jefferson's the name, and I'm a man who travels and sees much. And I know the man who can do what you want - bring back the dead. He's, um, you might say, a wizard. I can bring him to you. Evil Queen: At what price? Jefferson: Always a price, indeed. So, here's mine. Like I said, I'm a man of travels, and I've made many enemies along the way and I'd like a royal passport so I can have free reign to traverse your kingdom. Evil Queen: How would I do that? Jefferson: Well, you're the Queen, aren't you? Evil Queen: That's right, I am. And this wizard... Can he really bring someone back from the dead? Jefferson: Well, if he can't, no one can. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Mulan and Emma are watching Hook from a distance.) Emma: Have you seen him before? Mulan: Yes, I've seen him around. He's a blacksmith. Came to our camp a couple months ago. Said he lost his hand in an ogre attack. Why would Cora leave a survivor? Emma: It's messy. Doesn't make sense. Mulan: You think he's lying? Emma: I think Cora's tricked us before. I don't want that to happen again. Here you go. (Emma hands him a cup. Mary Margaret and Aurora also join them.) Hook: I can't thank you enough for your kindness. Fortune, it seems, has seen fit to show me favour. Emma: An island full of corpses. You're the only one to escape. How exactly did that happen? Hook: She attacked at night - slaughtered everyone in one fell swoop. When she started ripping out people's hearts, I hid under the bodies of those who had already been killed. Pretended to be dead myself. Mercifully, the ruse worked. Emma: So much for fortune favouring the brave. Hook: It was all I could do to survive. Emma: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I'm pretty good at knowing when someone is lying to me. Hook: I'm telling you the truth. Mulan: We should leave here in case Cora decides to come back. MMB: We should start searching for a new portal back to Storybrooke. I only got about five minutes with my husband, not to mention my grandson. Hook: You have a grandson? MMB: Long story. Hook: Well, I know this land well. I can guide you. (Emma draws a dagger and holds it to Hook's throat.) Emma: You're not going to guide us anywhere, until you tell us who you really are. -[Real World]- (Regina enters the psych ward in the basement of the hospital. She realizes that it is completely deserted.) Regina: Dr. Whale? Where are you? -[Fairy Tale World]- (At the Evil Queen's castle, Jefferson and the Evil Queen walk through the halls.) Evil Queen: Where is he, this wizard? You promised to bring him to me. Jefferson: Indeed. And off we shall go to see him. But I warn you - be cautious. Evil Queen: Why? Is he dangerous? Jefferson: Not to us. But, bear in mind, he's never been to a world like this before. He's unfamiliar with our ways - with our magic. Evil Queen: All I care about are his ways and if they will do what I require. Jefferson: Well, there's only one way to find out. May I present to you... Your salvation. (Jefferson leads her outside, where a man is waiting.) Evil Queen: You're the wizard? Frankenstein: I prefer doctor. But you're welcome to call me whatever makes you comfortable. Evil Queen: Very well...Doctor. You understand why you've been brought here? Frankenstein: Of course. Now... Show me the patient. [SCENE_BREAK] (The Evil Queen and Jefferson bring Frankenstein to the room where Daniel's body is magically preserved.) Frankenstein: It's remarkable. It's as if his last breath was drawn just moments ago. Evil Queen: A preservation spell. Can you bring him back? Frankenstein: Perhaps. Let's take a look. (He makes an incision along Daniel's hand and squeezes out a bit of blood. He rubs the sample between his fingers.) Frankenstein: It's wonderful. His condition is ideal. Apart from being dead, that is. Evil Queen: Just how many times have you done this, doctor? Frankenstein: You didn't tell her? Evil Queen: Tell... Tell me? Tell me what? Frankenstein: The procedure is experimental. Success is yet to occur. But if certain conditions are met, I'm optimistic. Evil Queen: Optimistic? Jefferson: Just hear him out. Evil Queen: What kind of charlatan are you? Frankenstein: I am no such thing. I was told the last crucial piece of the puzzle exists in this land. Evil Queen: What else do you need? Frankenstein: A heart. It's a fragile organ, and I need a strong one. I've searched the far reaches of my realm for one with the fortitude to stand the shock of my procedure. None have survived. But they say in your land, there are hearts transformed by magic. Hearts made so powerful, they glow. Evil Queen: That's why you've come here? Frankenstein: I need this for my work. So, tell me - how do you change these hearts? How do you enchant them? Jefferson: Those who practice the dark arts do it by ripping the organ out of the living while it still beats. Frankenstein: Mmhmm. And you can do this? Evil Queen: No. Frankenstein: You assured me that this Queen was some powerful sorceress. Evil Queen: I will not use magic for evil. Jefferson: Well, if you want your fiance back, then you're going to have to find someone who will. Frankenstein: Have I wasted my time here? Evil Queen: No. I know exactly who can help us. I know where to get a heart. -[Real World]- (Regina is still investigating the abandoned psych ward.) Regina: Dr. Whale? (She comes to an autopsy room that appears to have been trashed. The lights are flickering on and off, and there's a trolley with a bloody sheet over it. She lifts the sheet and discovers a severed arm. After Regina recovers from the shock, she pushes the trolley aside to find Dr. Whale sprawled on the ground and missing his arm.) Regina: Whale? Whale? I know you took Daniel's body and you took one of my hearts. Why? Why?! Did you bring him back? Dr. Whale: I did it. Regina: He's alive? Dr. Whale: Yes. I brought him back but... He's not Daniel. Regina: What? Dr. Whale: He's... He's a monster. -[Fairy Tale World]- (At the castle, the Evil Queen, Jefferson, and Frankenstein are standing in front of a large fireplace.) Evil Queen: This... Was my mother's. Frankenstein: How sweet. But I'm not interested in heirlooms. Evil Queen: Oh, I believe you will be. Listen. Frankenstein: To a fireplace? Evil Queen: Just listen. (Gradually, the faint sound of beating hearts can be heard.) Jefferson: Where is that coming from? Evil Queen: Her vault. (The Evil Queen magically transforms the fireplace into an entrance, and the three of them enter the vault. Inside, she leads them to a room, where the walls are lined with boxes containing hearts.) Evil Queen: Take your pick. Frankenstein: These are all hearts? Evil Queen: My mother was a collector. Jefferson: Whose hearts are these? Evil Queen: I have no idea. She took so many, caused so much pain. It was impossible to keep track. She was a monster. (Frankenstein pulls out one of the boxes from the wall. He opens the lid and peers down at the heart.) Frankenstein: Finally. After all this time. It's perfect. -[Real World]- (Regina is standing outside of Dr. Whale's room at the hospital. David arrives.) David: What's going on? I just got a call that Dr. Whale was attacked. Regina: You'll have to ask his doctors. David: No. I am asking you. Regina: I came here to speak with him and discovered he was hurt. It's the truth! David: What else? What did you come here to speak with him about? Regina: Someone from my past. I believe he's come back. Daniel - his name is Daniel. David: The man you were supposed to marry. Snow told me what happened and... How it was her fault that he died. Regina: Yes, he did. David: Well, then how could he be back? Regina: Whale. He believed he could bring him back from the grave and... I don't know how... But he has. David: You don't know how? Guess. Regina: He practices something more powerful than magic. Or, so I was told. All he needed was a heart, and he took one of mine. David: You have hearts here? Regina: In my vault. From our land. David: Whose heart did he take? Regina: I have no idea. I took so many, it was impossible to keep track. I need to go. I have to help him. David: No. Where is he? Look what he did - he's dangerous. Regina: Not to me. He won't hurt anyone else, David, I promise. David: You know I can't take that chance. You have two choices Regina - tell me where he is, or jail. Regina: I think it's like when you awoke from your coma. He's following his final thoughts to where he last met me - the stables. David: No. Henry. Henry's at the stables. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the stables, Henry is brushing his horse in one of the stalls.) Henry: Gramps says that you'll tell me when I'm ready to ride you. So... Anytime. Like, soon? (Suddenly, the horses become spooked. Henry's horse pushes Henry to the ground and runs off. Daniel then enters the stall.) -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Mulan ties Hook to a tree in the woods, while Emma, Mary Margaret, and Aurora stand by.) Hook: I already told you. I'm just a blacksmith. Emma: Sure you are. (Emma whistles.) Emma: You don't want to talk to us? Maybe, you'll talk to the ogres while they rip you limb from limb. (The ogres can be heard approaching.) Emma: Come on. (The three of them go to leave, but Hook calls out to them.) Hook: You... You can't just leave me here like this! Aurora: What if he's telling the truth? Emma: He's not. Hook: Good for you! You bested me. I can count the amount of people who've done that on one hand. Emma: That supposed to be funny? Who are you? Hook: Killian Jones, but most people have taken to call me by my more colourful moniker - Hook. MMB: Hook... Hook: Check my satchel. Emma: As in, Captain Hook? Hook: Ah, so you've heard of me. Emma: You better hurry up. They're getting closer. So, unless you want to be dinner, you better start talking. Hook: Cora wanted me to gain your trust, so I could learn everything there is to know about your Storybrooke. She didn't want any surprises when she finally got over there. Emma: She can't get there. We destroyed the wardrobe. Hook: Ah, but the enchantment remains. Cora gathered the ashes. She's going to use them to open up a portal. Now, if you'll kindly cut me loose. Mulan: No. We should leave him here to die. To pay for all the lives that he took. Hook: That was Cora, not me. Emma: Let's go. (Once again, the three turn to go, but Hook stops them.) Hook: Wait. Wait! You need me alive. Emma: Why? Hook: Because we both want the same thing - to get back to your land. Emma: You would say anything to save yourself. Why are we supposed to believe you now? Hook: I arranged for transport with Cora. But, seeing how resourceful you are, I'll offer you the same deal. I'll help you, if you promise to take me along. Emma: How are you going to help us get home? Hook: The ashes will open a portal, but, to find your land, she needs more. There's an enchanted compass. Cora seeks it. I'll help you obtain it before she does. Emma: So, Cora won't make it to Storybrooke, and we'll be one step closer to getting home. MMB: Sounds too good to be true. Hook: There's only one way to find out. Emma: You tell me one thing, and whatever you say, I better believe it - why does Captain Hook want to go to Storybrooke? Hook: To exact revenge on the man who took my hand... Rumpelstiltskin. -[Real World]- (Henry and Daniel are still at the stables.) Henry: You... You got to stop. You're... You're scaring the horses. A-Are... Are you hurt? Can I help you? (Henry extends his hand towards Daniel, which causes him to have a flashback to when Cora ripped out his heart.) Henry: Let me help you. (Daniel grabs Henry by the neck and lifts him off the ground. Regina and David arrive.) Regina: Daniel! Let him go! (Daniel drops Henry to the ground, and David quickly pulls him out of the stall.) David: Are you okay? Henry: Yeah. David: Go. Go! (Henry exits. Regina is still staring at Daniel.) Regina: It's true. You're really here. (Daniel lunges for Regina, but David pushes her out of the way. David then shuts the door of the stall and locks it. Daniel furiously beats on the door.) David: It won't hold for long. Can you cast a spell to subdue him? Regina: No, I won't use magic on him. (David draws his gun.) Regina: What do you think you're doing?! David: He's a monster, Regina! If you won't put him down, I will! Regina: David, please! Just let me talk to him. (Regina tries to physically restrain David.) David: It's too big of a risk. There's no telling what he'll do. Regina: You have to at least give me a chance! David: Out of the way, Regina! Now! (He pushes Regina aside, but she is relentless and, again, tries to physically stop David.) Regina: No! I won't let you hurt him! He'll listen to me! Please! Let me talk to my fiance. -[Fairy Tale World]- (During a thunderstorm, Frankenstein has set up a tent in the middle of a field in order to do his experiment. Daniel's body lies inside. Jefferson and the Evil Queen wait outside, until Frankenstein comes to fetch the heart.) Frankenstein: The heart, Your Majesty. (She hands him the box containing the heart.) Frankenstein: Thank you. Now please - wait here. The procedure is one I must perform alone. (Frankenstein goes back into the tent to begin the procedure. The Evil Queen and Jefferson watch the shadows through the tent.) Evil Queen: What's he doing back there? Magic? Jefferson: He says he wields power greater than magic. Evil Queen: Really? Why won't he let us see? Jefferson: In his land, there's much we don't understand. Or can't. If he can't achieve what you seek, Rumpelstiltskin was right. It can't be done. (Lightning crashes, and Frankenstein appears to plunge the heart into Daniel's body. He exits the tent.) Evil Queen: Well? Frankenstein: I'm sorry. I failed. The heart wasn't strong enough. It couldn't withstand the procedure. -[Real World]- (Regina unlocks the door to the stall. Inside, Daniel has seemingly calmed down. He slowly approaches Regina and brings his hand up to cup her face, but, instead, he grabs her by the neck. He slams her against the wall just outside the stall.) Regina: Daniel... Stop. It's me. I love you... (Something inside Daniel changes, and he lets go of her neck.) Daniel: Regina... Regina: Daniel... (They hug.) Regina: I can't believe it's really you. (Suddenly, Daniel grimaces in pain.) Regina: Daniel? Daniel: Stop. Just stop the pain. Regina: How? Daniel: Let me go. Regina: No. No, I won't lose you again. Without you, I'm lost. (Daniel, again, grimaces in pain.) Regina: Daniel. Daniel, come back to me. Daniel: Can't... Regina: But I love you. Daniel: Then love again. (Something inside Daniel changes again, and he turns back to his 'monster' state. He starts to go for Regina, but she stops him with magic. Hesitating, she then magically turns him to dust.) Regina: Goodbye, Daniel. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Emma and company are traveling through the forest with Hook in tow.) Hook: Up ahead. We'll find the compass just over the ridge. MMB: Do you get the feeling he's leading us exactly where Cora wants us? That this whole thing's a trap? Emma: It's definitely a trap. As long as we know they're trying to play us, we can- MMB: Stay one step ahead of them. Emma: Exactly. (They come to the edge of the forest, where they see a beanstalk in the distance.) Emma: Let me guess - the compass is up there? Hook: Oh, yeah. Emma: So, how do we get to it? Hook: It's not the climb you need to worry about. It's the giant at the top. -[Real World]- (Still upset, Regina parks her car outside of Archie's office.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen comes across Rumpelstiltskin and his new apprentice practicing in the forest.) Evil Queen: Who's this? Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, your replacement, of course. I needed someone more dedicated. Evil Queen: Dedicated? (The Evil Queen magically rips out the new apprentice's heart and crushes it to dust in her hand.) Rumpelstiltskin: Now... Where were we? -[Real World]- (Regina knocks on the door to Archie's office. He answers.) Archie: You're back. Regina: I used magic. Archie: Why don't you come in and tell me what happened? -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jefferson is leading Frankenstein through the woods, until they reach their destination.) Frankenstein: Enough. I need to be taken home. Now, I have work to do, and I believe our deal is done. Jefferson: The deal isn't done until he says it's done. (Rumpelstiltskin arrives.) Rumpelstiltskin: Now, now. Patience, please. Our transaction is, uh, nearly complete. Frankenstein: And are you satisfied with the results? Rumpelstiltskin: She did seem rather... Heartbroken. Frankenstein: She is. She bought my failure. Jefferson: You should've seen her tears. Rumpelstiltskin: I've seen the aftermath. Impressive. Frankenstein: Now... My property. Jefferson: Yeah, here it is. (Jefferson hands him a box containing a heart.) Frankenstein: You'll excuse me if I check. (Frankenstein opens the lid to find the heart beating inside.) Frankenstein: It's been a pleasure doing business with you. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, the pleasure was mine. Thanks to your efforts, I've made my monster. Now, I do hope you'll be able to make yours. Frankenstein: I'm not making a monster. Rumpelstiltskin: Sure you're not. Good luck. Frankenstein: If these hearts are as strong as you say, I won't need luck. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just magic. Frankenstein: No. What I'm going to accomplish goes far beyond magic. Rumpelstiltskin: And yet, you need a magical heart to do it. Frankenstein: So small minded. I need my powers to transcend the limitations of your magic. Rumpelstiltskin: This must be quite a land you hail from if you think your abilities are more powerful. Frankenstein: They are. Rumpelstiltskin: Care to wager? I suspect, someday, you'll see it my way. Frankenstein: I doubt it. Now, may we go? Rumpelstiltskin: Careful, dearie. Just remember - whatever it is you traffic in, it comes with a price. (Jefferson throws his hat on the ground, forming a purple vortex.) Frankenstein: We'll see. (Jefferson and Frankenstein jump into the portal.) -[Real World]- (Dr. Whale enters Mr. Gold's Pawn Shop with a cooler containing his severed arm.) Mr. Gold: When they say I charge an arm and a leg, that's meant as a figure of speech. Dr. Whale: Put it back. Mr. Gold: You want me to reattach your arm? Dr. Whale: Can you do it? Mr. Gold: Of course. But first, tell me why. Dr. Whale: Because I want to use it again. Mr. Gold: Obviously. I meant, why bring that stable boy back from the dead? Why now? Dr. Whale: I thought... I thought that if I helped her, she would return me to my world. I want to see my brother - to try to bring him back again. Mr. Gold: Again? Dr. Whale: The first time ended badly. I need to return and try it once more. Mr. Gold: Well, it seems that's rather beyond her abilities. My condolences. Dr. Whale: Now, my arm. You said you can do it. Mr. Gold: Oh, yes. But there's a difference between can, and will. Dr. Whale: Name your price. Mr. Gold: Say it. Dr. Whale: Say what? Mr. Gold: You know what. You came here, not the hospital. So say it. Dr. Whale: I need magic. Mr. Gold: That's all I needed to hear. (Mr. Gold waves his hand, and Dr. Whale's arm magically reattaches.) Mr. Gold: Always a pleasure doing business with you, uh, Victor. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Frankenstein has returned to his realm with the heart. He enters his castle as a thunderstorm rages outside. Inside, he finds his assistant waiting for him in the lab. A body covered by a blanket sits in the middle.) Igor: Doctor. You've returned. Did you find what you were looking for? Frankenstein: Yes. (He takes the heart out of the box and holds it up.) Frankenstein: Look at it. It's remarkable, isn't it? Igor: The final piece to the puzzle. Frankenstein: I believe so. Let's begin. (Frankenstein starts the experiment. He harnesses the electricity from the lighting and channels it towards the body on the table. Slowly, the body begins to raise its hand.) Frankenstein: It's alive. Igor: You did it. Victor, you did it. (Frankenstein clasps the extended hand.) Frankenstein: Yes. I believe I have. Welcome back, brother. Igor: It's magic, Dr. Frankenstein. Frankenstein: No, not magic. Science. -[End]-
Plan: A: Dr. Hopper; Q: Who does Regina go to to see if he can help her not use magic anymore? A: the night; Q: When does Regina see her old fiance, Daniel, while driving home? A: Dr. Whale; Q: Who was attacked by Daniel? A: a monster; Q: What does Dr. Whale say Daniel is? A: David; Q: Who decides that Henry should learn how to ride a horse? A: soon fears; Q: What does David think about Henry's life when he finds out that Daniel has gone to the stables? A: his body; Q: What does Regina destroy when she removes the preservation spell? A: the refugee camp; Q: Where do Emma, Snow, Aurora, and Mulan find Captain Hook? A: Captain Hook; Q: Who is the only man left alive in the refugee camp? A: Cora's plan; Q: What does Captain Hook tell Emma, Snow, Aurora, and Mulan? A: Victor Frankenstein; Q: Who did Jefferson broker a deal between Rumplestiltskin and? Summary: Regina goes to Dr. Hopper to see if he can help her to not use magic anymore, so that she can get Henry back. Later on in the night she sees her old fiance, Daniel, while driving home. She goes to see Dr. Whale only to find him having been attacked, who then says that he brought Daniel back from the dead, but he is a monster. David decides that Henry should learn how to ride a horse, but soon fears for Henry's life when he and Regina find out that Daniel has gone to the stables. After Regina talks to David, Daniel tells her that she needs to let him go, and Regina removes the preservation spell, destroying his body. After returning to the refugee camp, Emma, Snow, Aurora, and Mulan find only one man is left alive, and he turns out to be Captain Hook. After he tells them Cora's plan, they set out to find another way home. In the past, Jefferson brokers a deal between Rumplestiltskin and Victor Frankenstein.
ENLIGHTENMENT BY: BARBARA CLEGG Part Four First Air Date: March 9, 1983 Running time: 24:34 [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Have you heard of time standing still? TEGAN: Yes, it's an expression. It means. Why have you brought me here? WRACK: I wanted you to meet someone, but they seem to have gone. TEGAN: I'd like to rejoin the party, too, please. WRACK: As you wish. I too would like to speak to the Doctor. The image of him in your mind is quite intriguing. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Can't see him anywhere. WRACK: No, but there's Marriner, longing for your company. TEGAN: Yes. WRACK: Don't let me keep you. MARRINER: I've been looking for you everywhere. TEGAN: Really? MARRINER: I was worried. Where did Wrack take you? TEGAN: The wheelhouse. MARRINER: You're unharmed? TEGAN: Of course. MARRINER: I was concerned for you. TEGAN: Thank you. It was unnecessary. MARRINER: I missed you. I was concerned. I am empty without you. TEGAN: Go away. Please? MARRINER: You are life itself. Without you I am nothing. Don't you understand? TEGAN: What? MARRINER: I am empty. You give me being. I look into your mind and see life, energy, excitement. I want them. I want you. Your thoughts should be my thoughts. Your feelings, my feelings. TEGAN: Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me you're in love? MARRINER: Love? What is love? I want existence. [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: I found them coming out of the grid room. TURLOUGH: He's a spy. I saw him wandering around and followed him in. MANSELL: Then what were you doing in the grid room? TURLOUGH: I followed him in. MANSELL: Why didn't you summon help? TURLOUGH: From where? When you found me, I was trying to apprehend him myself. WRACK: Spying, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, I'd hardly call it spying. We were welcomed as guests, given the freedom of the ship. WRACK: And you think freedom extends to a door marked 'Danger'? What shall we do with your friend the spy? TURLOUGH: Get rid of him. WRACK: Ah. How? TURLOUGH: I mean, send him back. Send them all back to Striker. WRACK: And what about you? [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: Check to see if the repair to the sail is complete. HELMSMAN: Aye, aye, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: All right, all right, don't push. Where's Turlough? MANSELL: You will board the launch now. TEGAN: What about Turlough? DOCTOR: He's staying. TEGAN: You can't let them do that. MANSELL: The launch. Now. TEGAN: You can't let them keep him. DOCTOR: You don't understand. It was his idea. He wanted to stay. Come on. TEGAN: Why? DOCTOR: Wrack mustn't win the race. He's stayed to prevent her. TEGAN: You believe that? DOCTOR: Well, I think he wants to prove himself. At least, I hope so. MANSELL: Move! [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: As soon as Mister Marriner's party's aboard, prepare to get underway. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Your friends have gone. TURLOUGH: Good riddance. WRACK: Drink? My thanks for detecting the spy, and for choosing to stay with me. But I wonder why? TURLOUGH: I told you, I like to be on the winning side. WRACK: You do? And you want a share of the winnings? TURLOUGH: Yes. WRACK: Even though you're not sure what they are? TURLOUGH: I'm sure the prize is a rich one. WRACK: Oh, it is. Enlightenment. TURLOUGH: In what way? WRACK: In every way. When I have it, I shall no longer depend on Ephemeral minds. Everything conceived in time, from the beginning to the end, will be clear to me. I shall create and destroy as I wish. I'll never be bored again. TURLOUGH: Destroy? WRACK: Enlightenment brings whatever one desires. I desire to be amused. I have a new toy to show you. Come. See how I entertain my guests. TURLOUGH: What are they doing? WRACK: It's the plank. An ingenious Ephemeral idea for disposing of those who stand in one's way. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: I'm going to change. I've had about enough of this outfit. MARRINER: I too must change and go back to the wheelhouse. We're nearly into the final leg. DOCTOR: Er, I'm going to the wheelhouse. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: I'll be with you in a minute. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: They just disappear. WRACK: They're out of the race. They're like me. We do not exist in time, therefore there is no moment of time that can see us cease to be. We are Eternals. They'll survive, merely transfer. You Ephemerals are different. You die so easily. Shall we see? One of the crew, perhaps. TURLOUGH: No. WRACK: Shall we join them on deck? TURLOUGH: Why? WRACK: They're waiting for you. TURLOUGH: No. You don't understand. WRACK: I understand perfectly. The Doctor's not the only spy. TURLOUGH: I wasn't spying. WRACK: You forget I can see into an Ephemeral mind, even a murky one such as yours. TURLOUGH: But I'm on your side! I just wanted a share, just some of the prize. WRACK: You wanted it all. Your mind is divided, confused, hard to read sometimes, but one thing is clear in it always. Greed. Take him away. He bores me. TURLOUGH: No, listen! The power outside the Ion chamber. I heard the power that speaks to you. I heard it and I know the voice. He speaks to me as well. I serve him, as I wish to serve you. [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: The Enlighteners, there they are. Gentlemen, we are nearly there. STRIKER: More sail, Mister Mate. Cram on everything she's got. MARRINER: More sail, bo'sun. Cram on everything we've got. TEGAN: What's happening? MARRINER: Empty that sail locker. DOCTOR: The race is nearly over. [SCENE_BREAK] SAILORS: Heave! Heave! Heave! [SCENE_BREAK] MARRINER: We're pulling away. STRIKER: We'll show her a clean pair of heels. DOCTOR: Not yet. MARRINER: Look, Captain. DOCTOR: They've hoisted their moonrakers. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: A surprise for Captain Striker. MANSELL: We're gaining on them. WRACK: Good. I want us lying level. You shall serve me too. Come with me. We will go to our Guardian and together we will listen to his voice. [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: Wrack, she's still moving up on us. MARRINER: Those moonrakers are giving her the edge. TEGAN: What are moonrakers? DOCTOR: Pirate sails for speed. With those, they're faster than we are. STRIKER: Hold her steady. TEGAN: They can overtake us? DOCTOR: Yes. MARRINER: Wrack's ship is level, but we're holding her. DOCTOR: They can pass us any time they want. TEGAN: Then why aren't they? DOCTOR: Why indeed? MARRINER: Still holding level. DOCTOR: No! You've got it the wrong way round. She's holding level with us! She's moved in for the kill. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Now, open that door. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I tell you, that's how she was positioned when the Greek ship exploded. She was lying level. And when Davy's ship was destroyed, practically alongside, don't you remember? STRIKER: More sail, Mister Mate. MARRINER: That's everything we've got. DOCTOR: We can't pull away from her. She's got us where she wants us. STRIKER: More sail! MARRINER: More sail, bo'sun! DOCTOR: We must find the focus. TEGAN: What? DOCTOR: She must have done it. She must have got it aboard somehow. Did she give you anything when we were on board her ship? Anything at all? Think! TEGAN: No. DOCTOR: It has to be here somewhere. It has to be. TEGAN: What? DOCTOR: The point of focus. Without it, the power she channels is useless. MARRINER: What power? DOCTOR: The power of darkness. TEGAN: What would the focus look like? DOCTOR: Well, it could be anything. Probably a crystal of some sort. So big, perhaps. Could be part of a jewel, a clasp, the hilt of a sword. TEGAN: Part of a jewel. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Speak to me. Come to me. BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): I am here. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Which way? MARRINER: Along there. TEGAN: It was there, like a ruby, right in the centre of the tiara. MARRINER: So that's why Wrack took you to the wheelhouse. DOCTOR: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Focus. Focus. Your mind is a channel through which power will flow. Focus your mind. BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Focus. Focus. Focus. BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What is it? What's happening to it? DOCTOR: I can't destroy it. I'm a fool. Its power's multiplying. I have to get rid of it. Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Where's he going? MARRINER: The deck. BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Focus. Focus. Focus. [SCENE_BREAK] BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Focus. Focus. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Striker's ship still exists! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Just in time. MARRINER: Fascinating. For an Ephemeral to outwit an Eternal. I would have thought it an impossibility. DOCTOR: Impossibility? Not at all. MARRINER: We have control over matter. Had you merely imagined it in space, I could have converted the image into reality without so much effort. TEGAN: Then why didn't you? DOCTOR: Because he didn't think of it. They're far more dependant on us than we are on them. Without us, they're empty nothings. TEGAN: What is it? MARRINER: The wind, it's dying. [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: Captain. WRACK: I know. Striker's ship's still whole. MANSELL: But he's becalmed. The winds have dropped. WRACK: Ah, then I must be content with victory. TURLOUGH: How can you, if there's no wind? WRACK: My sails can catch the slightest whisper of a breeze. The race is ours, and the prize. [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: Bo'sun. Bo'sun! STRIKER: Mister Marriner, victory's in sight and we idle here, sails hanging limp. Get the men aloft! MARRINER: There's no point. There is no wind, Captain. STRIKER: Wrack is pulling away from us. She's going to win! MARRINER: Then we are beaten. DOCTOR: Not quite. Don't forget Turlough's over there. TEGAN: Him? DOCTOR: If I'm to stop Wrack winning, I need my TARDIS. STRIKER: Very well. TEGAN: Where is it? STRIKER: Hidden in the Doctor's mind. MARRINER: Doctor, concentrate. TEGAN: Will the TARDIS still function? The console blew up. DOCTOR: Oh, probably did it the world of good. Come on, no time to waste. MARRINER: Miss Tegan stays with me. DOCTOR: No. MARRINER: She stays or you both stay. STRIKER: Wrack is completely outstripping us! DOCTOR: I'll be back. I hope. STRIKER: She has almost won. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: No, wait! The power you're tapping. You think it's under your control? It isn't. It will control you. You don't understand what it is. WRACK: You have no time left. Throw him into the void. DOCTOR: No, Turlough. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's the Doctor doing? TEGAN: What was that? STRIKER: Man overboard. TEGAN: Not the Doctor, it couldn't be. MARRINER: The ship is still moving. STRIKER: And she hasn't even slackened speed. MARRINER: The Doctor has failed. STRIKER: And Wrack has won. MARRINER: The race is over. TEGAN: Is the Doctor dead? STRIKER: I don't know. MARRINER: The sparkle has gone from your mind. There are only grey shadows there. I see grief. What is grief? STRIKER: Come. We must cross to Wrack's ship. TEGAN: Why? STRIKER: She has won. We must pay homage. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE GUARDIAN: Let the victor receive his prize. You will never destroy the light. BLACK GUARDIAN: Others shall do it for me. WHITE GUARDIAN: Destroy the light and you destroy yourself. Dark cannot exist without knowledge of light. BLACK GUARDIAN: Nor light without dark. Your powers are waning. WHITE GUARDIAN: Others will recharge them for me. BLACK GUARDIAN: These creatures have no knowledge of good or evil. Enlightenment will give them power. They will invade time itself. Chaos will come again, and the universe will dissolve. Where is the Captain of this ship? Where is the Captain to receive the prize? DOCTOR: I'm afraid the Captain can't be with us. She met with a rather unfortunate accident. Both the Captain and the First Mate fell overboard. I brought the ship into harbour with some assistance. BLACK GUARDIAN: You lie! DOCTOR: I leave the lies and deception to you. BLACK GUARDIAN: Take care, Doctor. You have not defeated me. You have merely won a minor skirmish. The war still goes on. WHITE GUARDIAN: It seems Enlightenment is yours, Doctor. DOCTOR: I'm not ready for it. I don't think anyone is, especially Eternals. TEGAN: Doctor, I thought you DOCTOR: Yes. Not now, Tegan. WHITE GUARDIAN: You're right, Doctor. Let the Eternals return to the place from which they came. MARRINER: No. I want to stay. WHITE GUARDIAN: Back to your echoing void, back to the vastness of eternity. MARRINER: Tegan, help me. TEGAN: I can't. MARRINER: I need you. TEGAN: Doctor? DOCTOR: There's nothing we can do. WHITE GUARDIAN: You were right, Doctor, in judging no one is fit to claim all Enlightenment. I can, however, allocate a share to you, Turlough. TURLOUGH: Me? WHITE GUARDIAN: You assisted in bringing the ship to harbour. TURLOUGH: It's diamond. The size. It could buy a galaxy. I can have that? WHITE GUARDIAN: Yes. BLACK GUARDIAN: I would point out that under our agreement, it is mine. Unless, of course, you wish to surrender something else in its place. The Doctor is in your debt for his life. Give me the Doctor, and you can have this, the TARDIS, whatever you wish. WHITE GUARDIAN: Consider, Turlough. Which will you give him? The Doctor, or this? The choice is yours. TURLOUGH: Here, take it! WHITE GUARDIAN: Light destroys the dark. I think you will find your contract terminated. TURLOUGH: I never wanted the agreement in the first place. DOCTOR: I believe you. TEGAN: You're mad. TURLOUGH: What I've said is true. TEGAN: You believe him because he gave up Enlightenment for your sake. DOCTOR: You're missing the point. Enlightenment was not the diamond. Enlightenment was the choice. WHITE GUARDIAN: Be vigilant, Doctor. Once, you denied him the Key to Time. Now, you have thwarted him again. He will be waiting for the third encounter, and his power does not diminish. TURLOUGH: But the Black Guardian is destroyed. WHITE GUARDIAN: While I exist, he exists also, until we are no longer needed. TEGAN: Let's get away from here. DOCTOR: Anywhere in particular? TURLOUGH: Yes. My planet. My home. DOCTOR: Why not?
Plan: A: Captain Wrack; Q: Who sets Tegan up to destroy Striker and his ship? A: Tegan; Q: Who convinces Captain Wrack to send the Doctor back to Striker's ship? A: her plot; Q: What does the Doctor work to foil on Striker's ship? A: the Black Guardian; Q: What does the Doctor defeat on Striker's ship? Summary: Captain Wrack sets Tegan up to destroy Striker and his ship without her knowing it. Tegan convinces Captain Wrack to send the Doctor back to Striker's ship where the Doctor works to foil her plot and defeat the Black Guardian.
Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Sunnydale Zoo. A sign points to the reptiles, elephants and the Hyena House. The camera pans down from the sign to Buffy walking along the path by herself. Kyle and his gang see her coming. Kyle: Oh, look. It's Buffy and all her friends. Buffy: That's a witty. Tor: Do you ever wonder why nobody cool wants to hang out with you? Buffy: Just thankful. Rhonda: Were you this popular at your old school? Before you got kicked out? The group laughs, and they continue on their way, leaving Buffy standing there alone. Tor: (to Buffy as they leave) Careful! She might beat you up! Cut to the elephants. Buffy is reading the plaque when Xander and Willow come running up. Xander: Hey! Buffy! Willow: You missed it! Buffy: Missed what? Xander: We just saw the zebras mating! (nods to Willow) Thank you, very exciting... Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes! Buffy: And I missed it. Yet somehow I'll find the courage to live on. (begins walking) Willow: (follows) Where were you? Buffy: Uh, I was looking at the fishes. Willow: Was it cool? Buffy: It was fishes. Xander: I'm feelin' that you're not in the field trip spirit here. Buffy: Well, it would... It's nothing, I... We do the same zoo trip at my old school every year. Same old, same old. Xander: Buffy, this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals. This is about not being in class! Buffy: (brightens) You know, you're right! Suddenly the animals look shiny and new. Xander: Gotta have perspective. Cut to the monkeys. Lance is sketching them into his notebook. Kyle and his cronies approach him. Kyle: Lance! How's it goin'? Lance: Hey, Kyle. Kyle: So, is this like a, uh, family reunion? Lance: No. Kyle: I think it's a family reunion. It's so... touching. Doesn't anybody have a camera? (makes a sudden photo-taking gesture) Whapish! Rhonda: (behind Lance) Hey, does your mom still pick out your lice, or are you old enough to do that yourself now? Lance: Quit it, huh? (Tor takes his notebook) Hey! Guys, c'mon! It's got my notes in there! Mr. Flutie: (sees the commotion) What's going on here? I've had it up to here with you four! What're you doing? Kyle: Nothing. Mr. Flutie: Did I ask you to speak? Okay, I guess I did, but I want the truth. Lance? Lance: They weren't doing anything. Really! (lets out a nervous laugh) We were just playin' around. Mr. Flutie: Alright. (starts away, but turns back) I'll be watching you. (leaves) Kyle: (points at Lance) You! Came through big time. Rhonda: Way to go, Lance! Tor: Flutie's been looking for a reason to come down on us. Lance: It's okay. Kyle: Come on, we're gonna check out the Hyena House. Lance: But I think it's off-limits. Kyle: And therein, my friend, lies the fun. Lance laughs, and they all go off toward the Hyena House. Cut to the Hyena House. It's closed, but they duck underneath the tape. Buffy, Willow and Xander see them go in. Willow: What are Kyle and his buds doing with Lance? Xander: Oh, playing with him as a cat plays with a mouse. Buffy: What is it with those guys? Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally. Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids. Buffy: Yeah, well, I'd better extract Lance before... Xander: (interrupts) I'll handle it. This job doesn't require actual slaying. (goes in) Buffy: You don't think we should follow? Willow: Kyle and those guys are jerks, but they're all talk. Mostly. Buffy: Why don't we... Willow: Yeah, why don't we? They duck under the tape and start in, but are caught in the act by a zookeeper. Zookeeper: Oh, hold it, hold it, are you blind, or are you just illiterate? Because hyenas are very quick to prey on the weak. Buffy: Oh, w-we were just gonna take... Zookeeper: You're not going in there. Anyone that does is in a world of trouble. Willow: No, no one's going in there. (she and Buffy come back out) Buffy: Why is it off-limits? Zookeeper: It's a quarantine. These hyenas just came in from Africa, so keep out. Even if they call your name. Buffy: What are you talking about? Zookeeper: The Masai tribesmen told me that hyenas are capable of understanding human speech. They follow humans around by day, learning their names. At night, when the campfire dies, they call out to a person. Once they separate him, the pack (snaps his fingers) devours them. Cut inside the Hyena House. Kyle and the others tear through more tape blocking the way in and look around. Kyle: Cool! He and the girls walk up to the enclosure and look in. Lance stays back with Tor behind him. Lance: I don't see any hyenas. One of the hyenas growls and shows itself between some rocks. Lance: Okay! Now we've seen it. He tries to leave, but Tor stops him. Rhonda: Looks cute. Kyle: I think it looks hungry. (moves toward Lance) He and Tor grab Lance. Lance: No! Tor: C'mon, Spot! Lance: C'mon, stop it! Tor: Supper time! They drag him up the steps and lift him up to the bars. Lance: Guys! Stop! It's not funny! They press him into the bars and down on his neck. Lance: Ow! Stop it! It's not funny! Xander comes in, pulls their arms off of him and helps him away. Xander: (to Kyle) Why don't you pick on somebody your own species? Kyle: What, are *you* gonna get in my face? The hyenas growl. Xander, Kyle and the others look at them. The hyena's eyes flash green, and then two of the kid's eyes do. The hyena's eyes flash green again, and two more kid's eyes do. Cut to a shot from above of the sacred circle painted on the floor. Cut to Lance. He makes an anxious move to get away, but trips on a chair and falls. His notebook skids across the floor to the far wall. Kyle and the others turn and laugh when they see him. Lance gets up, retrieves his notebook and rushes out. Xander turns around now, too, and his eyes flash green. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. Cut inside. Willow and Buffy are coming from the bar. Buffy has a drink and a croissant. They make their way over to an empty table. Willow: I thought Xander would be here by now. Buffy: Hmm, that'd make him on time. We couldn't have that! Willow: Did he seem upset at all on the bus back from the zoo? Buffy: About what? Willow: I dunno. He was quiet. Buffy: I didn't notice anything. (they sit) But then again I'm not as hyperaware of him as, oh, say, for example, you. Willow: Hyperaware? Buffy: Well, I'm not constantly monitoring his health, his moods, his blood pressure... Willow: 130 over 80! Buffy: (amused) You got it bad, girl! Willow: He makes my head go tingly. You know what I mean? Buffy: I dimly recall. Willow: But it hasn't happened to you lately? Buffy: Not of late. Willow: Not even for a dangerous and mysterious older man whose leather jacket you're wearing right now? Buffy: (in mock annoyance) Goes with the shoes! Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does. Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking... (gets a look from Willow) ...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey, but... it's just he's never around, and when he is all he wants to do is talk about vampires, and... I, I just can't have a relationship... Willow: (sees Xander) There he is! Buffy: Angel? Willow: Xander! He walks into the club and checks out a girl on the way. She stares after him. He comes up to their table. Xander: Girls! Buffy: Boy! Xander: Sorry I'm late, I... just forgot that we were gonna be here. (sees Buffy's croissant) Hungry! (tears a piece off and eats it) Willow: Xander, you still want me to help you with geometry tomorrow? (Xander takes a swig of Buffy's drink) We can work after class... Xander: (give Willow a thumbs-up) Yeah. (to Buffy) What is this crap? Buffy: Well, it *was* my buttery croissant. Xander: Man, I need some food! Birds live on this! Buffy and Willow look at each other and then at Xander. He looks back and forth at them. Xander: What? Buffy: What's up with you? Willow: Is something wrong? Did I do something? Xander: (to Willow) What could you possibly do? That's crazy talk. I'm just... restless. Willow: Well, we could go to the ice cream place... Xander: (points to the table) I like it here. He looks up and scans the area a bit, and then leans toward Buffy and sniffs her hair. Buffy: Okay, now what? Xander: You took a bath. Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do, I'm actually known for it. Xander: That's okay. Willow and Buffy exchange another look. Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to... Xander sees Kyle and the others come in. Buffy sees them, too. "Reluctant Man", by Sprung Monkey, starts to play. Lyrics: Oh, Reluctant Man Buffy: Oh, great. It's the winged monkeys. Kyle and company come over to them. Lyrics: Who's afraid to touch the world / Why are you hiding? / What is the base of all your fears? Xander stares back at them. Lyrics: Do you find yourself in a cold cruel world Kyle stops at their table, and he and Xander stare each other down. Lyrics: Dark and desperate, scared and lonely? They go around to another table that's occupied. Lyrics: Selfish Man / Who never gave to no one else / What are you holding? / Is it worth the price you pay? Kyle: (to the boy at the table) Y'know, I don't understand why you're sitting at our table. Lyrics: 'Cause your eyes they see just what you want to see Rhonda: Yeah, shouldn't you be hovering over the football stadium with 'Goodyear' written on you? Lyrics: And I hope they're not staring blindly at me They all laugh. Xander was watching and laughs also as he turns back to Buffy. He stops laughing when he sees she doesn't think it's funny. Xander: Kid's fat. Cut to the school. Cut to the library. Giles is wearing protective gear while Buffy trains on him. She does a roundhouse kick followed by a high punch and a swinging middle punch to Giles' gloved hands. She continues, doing a full spin and finishing with a backhand punch. She does a full spinning jumping high wheel kick followed by a right middle punch, a high roundhouse kick and a front snap kick. Then she jumps high and does a twin straddle kick. She lands back on her feet and moves in to attack again, when Giles suddenly jumps back. Giles: Right! (Buffy stops short) That's enough training for one day. Buffy: Well, that last roundhouse was kinda sloppy. Are you sure you don't wanna do it again? Giles: (out of breath) No! No, no, that's fine. You just... run along to class. (Buffy goes) (to himself) While I wait for the feeling to return to my arms. Cut to the halls. Herbert the mascot has gotten loose. The students in the hall are startled and try to get away. Mr. Flutie chases the pig. Mr. Flutie: Look out! It's gotten loose! The camera dodges the students' legs from Herbert's point of view. Buffy comes around the corner, reacts quickly to catch him and picks him up. Mr. Flutie: Lordy, Herbert! Gave Mr. Flutie quite a scare, didn't he? Students, I'd like you all to met Herbert, our new mascot for the Sunnydale High Razorbacks! The students all clap. Buffy: He's so cute! Mr. Flutie: He's not cute. No! He's a fierce Razorback! (more clapping) Buffy: He doesn't look mean, Mr. Flutie. Mr. Flutie: He's mean, he's ready for action! See? (indicates Herbert's helmet with foam tusks) Here are the tusks... (gestures at a piece of serrated green foam tied to Herbert's back) the scary Razorback! Buffy: You're right. He's a fine mascot and will engender school spirit. Mr. Flutie: Uh, he better. Costs a fortune to feed him. (to Herbert) Alright, let's get you back into your cage. Herbert squeals when Buffy wants to hand him to Mr. Flutie. Mr. Flutie: (points behind himself) This way. Cut outside to Willow helping Xander with his geometry. Xander: I'm not getting this. Willow: It's simple, really. See, 'The bisector of a vertex is the line that divides the angle at that vertex into two equal parts.' Xander: It's like a big blur, all these numbers and angles. Willow: It's the same stuff from last week. You had it down then. Xander: Why do I need to learn this? Willow: 'Cause otherwise you'll flunk math? Xander: Explain the part where that's bad. (rubs the bridge of his nose) Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this. (Xander rubs his right temple) Do you have a headache? (reaches up to him) Xander: (shakes her off) Yeah, and I think I know what's causing it. (throws his geometry book into the trash) Ah! That's better, it goes right to the source of the pain. Willow: Xander... Xander: Look, forget it, okay? I don't get it. I won't ever. (gets up) I don't care. He throws his math notebook into Willow's lap and leaves in a huff. Willow: (watches Xander go) We can finish this another time. Cut to the halls. Buffy follows Mr. Flutie to the faculty room with Herbert in her arms. They stop outside. Mr. Flutie: See, the problem is you kids today have no school spirit. Hold on, let me get his outfit off. (removes it) Today it's all gangs and drugs and those movies on Showtime with the nudity. (Buffy gives him a look) I don't have cable, I only heard. When I was your age we cared about the school's reputation and the football team's record, all that stuff! Of course, when I was your age I was surrounded by old guys telling me how much better things were when they were *my* age. (goes into the faculty room) Buffy: (to Herbert) Yeah! Xander comes into the hall from outside. Herbert squeals and reacts to his presence as he walks by. Buffy looks confused as she watches Xander pass, and tries to keep Herbert from jumping out of her arms. Cut outside. Lightning strikes. Cut to the gym. Coach Harrold: Alright, it's raining, all regular gym classes have been postponed, so you know what that means: (holds up a large rubber ball) dodgeball! Now, for those of you that may have forgotten, the rules are as follows: you dodge. He tosses the ball to Buffy. He blows his whistle, and the two groups move back from center court. He whistles again and the ball throwing commences. Xander nails his first victim. Buffy and the pack members easily dodge the balls. The coach enjoys the game from the sidelines. Xander nails another victim. The coach continues to watch. Buffy throws a ball and hits her mark. Xander throws again and nails Willow hard on the back. She gives him a hurt and confused look as she walks off of the court. Xander catches a ball as he watches Willow go, but soon continues the game. Willow sits down, crosses her arms and keeps looking at him. A few seconds later just the pack and Lance are left on one side, Buffy on the other. The pack looks at her, then focuses on Lance. He falls to the floor and cowers as they each throw their ball at him hard. Buffy runs over and helps Lance up. She stares at Xander. He stares back. She watches as he and the others leave. Coach Harrold: God, this game is brutal. I love it! Cut to the halls. Willow is waiting for Xander, and goes up to him when he comes from the other hall with the pack. Willow: Xander... What's wrong with you? He looks at the others briefly and pulls Willow aside. Xander: I guess you've noticed that I've been different around you lately. Willow: Yes. Xander: I think, um... I think it's because my feelings for you have been changing. Buffy comes around the corner to her locker and sees them. She works the combination. Xander: And, well, we've been friends for such a long time that I feel like I need to tell you something. Willow looks at him expectantly. Xander: I've, um... I've decided to drop geometry. So I won't be needing your math help anymore. Which means I won't have to look at your pasty face again. He and the others laugh. Willow is crushed. She turns and leaves. Buffy watches her quickly walk by. She slams her locker and approaches Xander with her arms crossed. He stops laughing. Buffy: You gonna say something to me? Xander just looks at her and starts laughing again more loudly. He goes back to the pack, and they leave. Buffy goes after Willow. Cut outside. The pack walks along. Xander stops and sniffs the air. Xander: Dogs! Kyle: Where? Xander leads them to a group of three boys sitting at a table. Boy#1: You're out of your mind, that's no way to play guitar. Boy#2: What are you talking about? Boy#1: I mean, that's just hunt and peck! Boy#2: It's not! Boy#1: (the pack arrives) Hey, Xander, you've heard Wretched Refuse play, what do you think of the guy who plays lead? Tor reaches for Boy#1's hotdog. Heidi takes Boy#2's hotdog. Boy#1: Hey. Hey, what are you guys... Rhonda: Shut up. Kyle: You're sharing. Xander: Friends like to share. (to Tor and Heidi) Good? Tor: It's too well-done. He throws the rest of the hotdog back on Boy#1's lunch, Heidi back on Boy#2's. Boy#1: Hey! That is not cool. Xander sniffs the air again and looks in the scent's direction. He leads them off. Kyle climbs onto the table and stomps the boys' lunches. Boy#1: Hey! Cut to the faculty room. They all come in. Xander inhales deeply through his nose. The other two boys go to close the blinds. They all approach the cage. Xander bends down to look at Herbert. Xander: Let's do lunch. The pig becomes nervous and squeals. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside at school. Xander and the pack come walking up some stairs in slow motion. Several students stare at them as they walk by. "Job's Eyes", by Far, plays as the background music. Lyrics: I'm sure this rain won't last / I'm sure its time is up / Though it's pouring down Lance walks by and just stops in front of them. They look at him and Xander sniffs him, but they keep walking right by him. Lyrics: I'm sure this rain won't last / And it falls on Job's eyes / This water of doubt / And I'm wading in lies / It's wearing me out / But if you want it, alright / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll... Xander notices Buffy and Willow sitting and talking on the balcony above. His hearing has become sensitive and he overhears. Willow: I've known him my whole life, Buffy. Cut to the girls. Willow: (tears in her eyes) Well, we haven't always been close, but he's never... (exhales) Buffy: I think something's wrong with him. Willow: Or maybe there's something wrong with me. Buffy: What are you talking about? Willow: C'mon. He's not picking on you. He's just sniffing you a lot. I don't know, maybe three isn't company anymore. Buffy: You think this has something to do with me? Willow: Of course. Buffy: No. That still doesn't explain why he's hanging out with the dode patrol. (hops off the railing) Something's going on. Something weird. (starts to go) Willow: What're you gonna do? Buffy: Talk to the expert on weird. Cut to the library. Giles is going about his work. Buffy follows him as they talk. Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate? Buffy: Uh-huh. Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor? Buffy: Yes. Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles. Buffy: It's bad, isn't it. Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you'll have to kill him. Buffy: Giles, I'm serious. Giles: So am I. Except for the part about killing him. Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons. He will, however, get over it. Buffy: (exasperated) I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. (grabs some books) Get your books! Look stuff up! Giles: (takes the books) Look under what? Buffy: I don't know. (exhales) That's your department. Giles: The evidence that you've presented me with is sketchy at best. Buffy: He scared the pig. (Giles gives her a look) Well, he did... Giles: Buffy, boys can be cruel. They tease, they, they, they prey on the weak. I-i-it's natural teen behavior pattern. Buffy: What did you just say? Giles: Um, they tease. Buffy: They prey on the weak. I've heard that somewhere bef... (it clicks in her mind) Xander has been acting totally wiggy ever since we went to the zoo. Him and Kyle and all those guys, they went into the hyena cage. Oh, God, that laugh... Giles: You're saying that, uh, Xander's becoming a hyena. Buffy: I don't know. Or been possessed by one? Not just Xander, all of them. Giles: Well, I-I-I've cer-certainly never heard of, uh... Willow: (comes into the library) Herbert! They found him. Buffy: The pig? Willow: Dead. And also eaten. Principal Flutie's freaking out. Buffy: (to Giles) Testosterone, huh? Giles heads towards his office. Willow: What're you gonna do? Giles: Get my books. Look stuff up. Cut outside. Mr. Flutie is walking angrily. He sees Kyle and the others. Xander isn't with them. Mr. Flutie approaches them. Mr. Flutie: (angry) You four! Kyle: What? Mr. Flutie: Oh, don't think I don't know. Three kids saw you outside Herbert's room. You're busted! Yeah! You're goin' down. Rhonda: How is Herbert? Heidi: Crunchy! They all laugh. Mr. Flutie is incensed. Mr. Flutie: That's it! My office, right now. (they laugh more) Now! They stop laughing. Kyle gets off of the table and indicates for the others to follow. Mr. Flutie: You're gonna have so much detention, your grandchildren'll be staying after school. Cut to the library. Willow is at the table researching. Buffy is on the stairs behind her with a book. Buffy: Wow! Apparently Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats. Willow: Hyenas aren't well liked. Buffy: They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom. (comes over to Willow) Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or some ducks? Buffy: That's assuming 'possession' is the right word. Giles: (comes over from the cage) Oh, I'll say it is. The Masai of the Serengeti have spoken of animal possession for, for generations. I... I should have remembered that. Buffy: So how does it work? Giles: Well, apparently there's a, a sect of animal worshipers known as Primals. They believe that humanity, uh, consciousness, uh, the soul, is a, is a perversion, a dilution of spirit. Uh, to them the animal state is holy. They are able, through trans-possession, to, to, um, draw the spirit of certain animals into themselves. Buffy: And then they started acting like hyenas. Giles: Well, only the most predatory of animals are, are of interest to the Primals, so, uh, yes, yes, that would fit, yes. Buffy: So, what happens to the person once the spirit's in them? Giles: If it goes unchecked... He hands Buffy a book open to a certain page. She takes one look, slams the book shut and quickly gets up to go. Buffy: I gotta find Xander. Willow picks up the book and opens it to the bookmark. There's a drawing of people with limbs bitten off, heads missing and other massive injuries. Cut to the faculty room. Herbert's cage has been mangled. Buffy comes in and looks around. She inspects the cage. Buffy: (exhales) They are strong. She steps on something that crunches and crouches down to the floor. She finds parts of Herbert, some vertebrae and other bones. She picks up a rib. Xander comes up to stand behind her. Buffy gets back up and turns around, only to be startled by him. Buffy: Xander. She tries to evade him, but he's quick to match her movement. Buffy: (exhales) This is ridiculous. We need to talk. She fakes him out and jumps on him, knocking him down with her on top holding down his arms. Xander: (smiles) Been waitin' for you to jump my bones. Cut to Mr. Flutie's office. He stands in front of his desk and lectures Kyle and his friends. Mr. Flutie: I have seen some sick things in my life! Believe me! But this is beyond the pale! What is it with you people? The pack starts to whine and stalk him. Mr. Flutie: Is it drugs? How could you? A poor defenseless pig? (notices their behavior) What are you doing? Cut to the faculty room. Xander growls and rolls Buffy over onto her back so he's on top now and has her arms pinned down. Buffy: Get off of me. Xander: Is that what you really want? (Buffy struggles a bit) We both know what you really want. You want danger, don't cha? You like your men dangerous. Buffy: You're in trouble, Xander. You are infected with some hyena thing, it's like a demonic possession! Xander: Dangerous and mean, right? Like Angel. Your mystery guy. Well, guess who just got mean. Cut to Mr. Flutie's office. He goes around behind his desk to get away from the pack. They slowly approach. Mr. Flutie: Now, stop that! You're only gonna make things worse for yourselves. I tell you how this is gonna work: I am gonna call your parents, and they are gonna take you all home. He reaches for his phone, but Tor gets his hands on it first and tries to stare him down. Mr. Flutie looks at him a moment and then gestures to be given the phone. Tor gives it to him. Mr. Flutie: Thank you. He starts to pull the phone toward himself to dial, but Rhonda tears it away from him and throws it off of the desk. Rhonda: I'm sorry... Mr. Flutie: That is it! He tries to get past them, but Kyle growls at him and he falls back into his chair. Cut to Buffy and Xander. He is still on top of her. Xander: Do you know how long... I've waited... until you'd stop pretending that we aren't attracted... Buffy throws him off of her and quickly gets up to face him. He gets up, too, and begins to approach her as she backs away. Xander: Until Willow... stops kidding herself... that I could settle with anyone but you? Buffy: Look, Xander, I don't wanna hurt you... He grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her against the vending machine. Xander: Now do you wanna hurt me? Buffy struggles, but the possessed Xander is too strong. Xander: Come on, Slayer. I like it when you're scared. She struggles a bit more. Xander: The more I scare you, (sniffs her) the better you smell. He moves in and kisses her roughly on the neck. Cut to Mr. Flutie's office. The pack continues to taunt and sniff him. Mr. Flutie: You're about this close to expulsion, people! (gets up) I'm willing to talk to the school counselor, and we can discuss options... He tries to go again, but Heidi stops him. Tor climbs onto his desk and growls at him. Mr. Flutie: Get down from there this instant! Rhonda gets in his face and scratches his cheek with her nails. He falls back into his chair with his hand covering his face. He takes his hand away and sees the blood. Mr. Flutie: Are you insane?! Tor jumps on him from the desk, and the rest of the pack descends on him and begins feeding. The camera closes in on a picture of Mr. Flutie on his desk. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Willow is watching footage of feeding hyenas on the PC. She looks up when she hears the door open and stops the playback. She sees Buffy dragging Xander into the library and goes over to them. Buffy: Hurry up. We gotta get him locked up somehow before he comes to. Willow: Oh, my God, Xander! What happened? Buffy: I hit him. Willow: With what? Buffy: A desk. Willow opens the cage door, and Buffy drags him in. Buffy: He tried his hand at felony sexual assault. Willow: Oh, Buffy, the hyena in him didn't... Buffy: No. (they arrange him on the floor of the cage) No, but it's safe to say that in his animal state his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD and a bottle of Chianti. (locks the cage) There, that oughtta hold him. Where's Giles? Willow: He got called to some teacher's meeting. What are we gonna do? I mean... how do we get Xander back? Giles comes into the library. Buffy: Right now I'm a little more worried about what the rest of the pack are up to. Giles: The rest of the pack were spotted outside Herbert the mascot's cage. They were sent to the principal's office. Willow: Good! That'll show 'em. (Giles is silent) Did it show 'em? Giles exhales but remains silent, searching for what to say. Buffy: They didn't hurt him, did they? Giles: They, uh... ate him. Willow has to sit down. She and Buffy can't believe what they just heard. Buffy: They ate Principal Flutie? Willow: Ate him up? Giles: The, uh, official theory is that wild dogs got into his office somehow. There was no one at the scene. Willow: But Xander didn't. (to Buffy) He, he was with you. Giles: (sees Xander in the cage) Oh! Uh, well, that's a small mercy. Buffy: Giles, how do we stop this? How do you trans-possess someone? Giles: I-I'm afraid I still don't have all the pieces. Um, the accounts of the Primals and their methods are a bit thin on the ground. There is some talk of a-a-a predatory act, but the exact ritual is, is, um... (picks up a book) The Malleus Maleficarum deals in particulars of demonic possession, which... may apply... (looks through a few pages) Yes, one, one should be able to transfer the spirits to another human. Buffy: Oh, that's great. Any volunteers? Giles: Oh. Good point. Buffy: What we need to do is put the hyena back in the hyena. Giles: B-but until we know more, uh... Buffy: Betcha that zookeeper could tell us. Maybe he didn't quarantine those hyenas because they were sick. Giles: We should talk to him. Buffy: Okay. (starts to go but stops) Oh, wait, somebody's gotta watch Xander. Willow: (gets up) I will. Buffy: Will, are you sure? If he wakes up... Willow: (holds her hand out for the keys) I'll be alright. Go. After a moment's hesitation Buffy gives Willow the keys to the cage and grabs her coat. Buffy: (to Giles) C'mon. Willow watches them leave, then looks over at Xander in the cage. She slips the keys into her pocket. Cut outside at night. A young woman with her baby in a backpack walks through some bushes and sees the pack lying on the ground, sleeping after their meal. The pack wakes and sees the woman. She becomes panicy and slowly backs up, almost stepping on Tor. She turns suddenly when she hears him growl. He drools heavily. The members of the pack slowly crawl toward her. The woman finally turns and runs, and the pack lies back down to rest some more. Cut to the library. Xander wakes up. Xander: Willow. She is watching the hyena video again. She stops it and turns to look at him. Willow: How are you feeling? Xander: Like somebody hit me with a desk. (looks around) What am I doin' here? Willow: (gets up and goes toward the cage) You're... resting? Xander: You guys got me locked up now. (stands up) Willow: 'Cause you're sick. Buffy said... Xander: Oh, yeah. Buffy and her all-purpose solution: punch 'em out 'n' knock 'em down. I'd love to see what she'd do to somebody who was *really* sick. Willow: That's not fair. Buffy saved both of our lives. Xander: Before she came here our lives didn't need that much saving, did they? Weren't things a lot simpler when it was just you and me? Willow: (moves closer) Maybe... Xander: When we were alone together... Willow, I know there's something wrong with me. I think it's gettin' worse. But I can't just stand around waitin' for Buffy to decide it's time to punch me out again. (exhales) Look, I want you to help me. I want you. Willow: I am helping you. Xander: (exhales) You're doing what you're told. Willow: Buffy's trying to help you, too. You know that. Or Xander does. Xander: Yeah... Buffy's so selfless. Always thinking of us. Well, if I'm so dangerous, how come she left you alone with me? Willow: I told her to. Xander: Why? Willow: 'Cause I know you better than she does... and I wanted to be here to see if... you were still you. Xander: You know I am. Look at me. (long pause) Looook. Willow: (moves even closer) (whispers) Xander... He makes a grab for her through the slot in the cage, but she backs off in time. Willow: Now I know. Xander: (bangs on the cage) LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! Cut to the zookeeper's office. Zookeeper: The students have been possessed by the hyenas? Giles: Yes. Zookeeper: Are you sure? Buffy: We're really, really sure. Giles: Y-you don't seem enormously surprised by this. Zookeeper: The zoo imported those hyenas from Africa. There was something strange about them from day one. I did some homework... That particular breed is very rare. Totally vicious. Historically they were worshipped by these guys... Giles: Primals. Zookeeper: Yeah! Creepy guys! Now, they had rituals for taking the hyena spirits, but I-I don't see how that coulda happened to your kids. Giles: Uh, we don't know exactly how the ritual works. We know that it involves a, um, um... predatory act and some kind of symbol. Zookeeper: Predatory act? Of course. That makes sense. Where did you read that? Giles: Do you have Sherman Jeffries' work on, on cults and on... Buffy: Boys? Giles: Sorry. Zookeeper: Look. Giles: (raises his hand slightly) Sorry. Zookeeper: Look. I think we may have enough information so that together we could pull off a reverse trans-possession. Buffy: What do we do? Zookeeper: We've gotta get those possessed students over to the hyena cage right away! I'll meet you there. We can begin the rituals. Buffy: W-well, we can guarantee one of them, but there are four more, and we have no idea where they are. Zookeeper: No, I wouldn't worry about that. After hyenas feed and rest they will track the missing member of their pack until they find him. They should come right to you. Buffy: (worried) Willow! Cut to the library. Willow is watching the hyena video again. Xander paces in the cage. Xander: Willow... Willow: I'm not listening. Cut to the small arched windows high up on the wall. Kyle appears at one, Heidi at the other. Kyle: Wiiillooow... ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Kyle is looking in through the window. Kyle: Wiiillooow... Willow: (turns to the cage) Xander, shut up! Kyle: Wiiillooow... She looks up at the window where the sound is coming from, sees Kyle and startles. Kyle and Heidi kick in the windows. Willow gets up and runs from the library. The pack comes in as Xander kicks and pounds at the cage. Kyle manages to bend over the corner of the door. The others start banging at the cage, too. Cut to the hall. Willow stops at the intersection. Cut to the library. The pack pulls down the door, freeing Xander. They whine and sniff each other. Cut to the hall. Willow runs to a door and tries it, but finds it locked. Cut to the library. Xander looks toward the library doors and begins tracking Willow. The others follow. Cut to the hall. Willow runs to another door on the other side of the hall and finds it open. She goes in and closes the door behind her. The pack reaches the hall intersection and sniffs around for Willow's scent. Cut inside the classroom. Willow hides under the teacher's desk. Cut to the hall. The pack splits up and begins searching for Willow. Xander and Heidi come down the hall. He keeps sniffing. He looks at the door that Willow went through and goes into the classroom with Heidi. Willow stays quiet under the desk. Xander looks around and sees nothing. He motions with his head for them to leave. When Willow hears the door close she comes out from under the desk. She looks toward the door, sees Xander and screams as she jumps back against the window blinds. Xander growls and leaps over the desk at her. She runs around the desk to get away and tips over a student desk to block Xander's way. He comes after her and trips over the desk. Willow runs out of the door, but is met by Heidi. Buffy comes up behind Heidi and hits her on the back with a fire extinguisher, knocking her down and out. Willow comes out of the room and goes over to Giles. Xander has gotten up and rushes Buffy. She kicks him and he falls in the hall outside the classroom also. Buffy discards the extinguisher. The other three pack members appear at the end of the hall. Giles: Run! They come running. Giles and Willow run back into the classroom, and Buffy follows, closing and locking the door behind her. The pack pounds on the door but can't get in and soon leaves. Buffy: I think they're going. Willow: They could be faking it. Buffy: No, they're hungry. They'll be looking for somebody weak. I'm really sorry, Will. I didn't know they were gonna come after Xander. Willow: It's okay. Giles: We must lead them back to the zoo if we're going to stop this. Buffy: And before their next meal. Guess that's my job. Giles: Well, individually they're almost as strong as you. As a group they're... Buffy: They're tough, but I think they're getting stupider. You guys go to the zoo and I will bring them to you. (leaves) Cut to a house where a family is coming out. Mr. Anderson: I didn't say she looks better than you, I said she looks better. Mrs. Anderson: I heard what I heard. (to her son) Joey, chew! You have to chew or you'll choke! They get into their Jeep. Mr. Anderson: I don't see why we have to have this conversation every time we see them. Mrs. Anderson: I didn't start it. (puts on her seatbelt) Mr. Anderson: (looks at the ignition) Damn. Where are the keys? Mrs. Anderson: Huh? They hear Joey's name being called from outside and begin to look around. Kyle looks down from the Jeep's roof into Joey's window. The mother screams. Two others climb onto the hood and slap the windshield. Xander is at the window opposite Kyle. They all pound on the car. Mr. Anderson: What going on?! Hey! Get off! Get off of there! Xander breaks the window with his elbow. Joey: Get away! Xander growls and reaches in for Joey. His mother reaches back to try to protect him. Mrs. Anderson: Joey! Joey! Joey! Buffy comes running up, grabs Rhonda and throws her off of the hood to the ground. She climbs to the roof and does an in-to-out axe kick, knocking Kyle off. She looks down at Xander's feet sticking out of the window. Mrs. Anderson: Joey! Buffy: Didn't your mom teach you? (Xander hears her) Don't play with your food. Xander crawls out and looks up at her. The pack gathers around him and looks up at her. She straightens up and puts her hands on her hips. Buffy: C'mon. You know what you want. She turns, jumps off of the car and starts running down the street. The pack gives chase. Cut to the Hyena House. Giles and Willow arrive at a run. Willow: The pathway to the Hyena House. Where's the zookeeper? Giles: Uh, he must be inside. I-I'll go in and prepare things. You just warn, uh, us when you hear Buffy and the others approaching. He runs in. Willow turns around to watch and wait. Cut to Buffy running through a stand of trees. The pack is close behind. Cut to inside the Hyena House. Giles ducks under the tape and comes into the main area. Giles: Doctor? Uh... zookeeper? He hears a door close and is startled by the zookeeper. He is all made up. Giles: Oh! Oh, of course, the, uh, Masai ceremonial garb. Yes... Very good. Are you, uh, otherwise prepared for the trans-possession? Zookeeper: (nods) Almost. Giles: (notices the markings on the floor) Oh, right! The, uh, sacred circle. Yes, you'd need that to, um... This would be here when... when the children first came. Why would you... (figures it out, exhales) How terribly frustrating for you, that a bunch of school children could accomplish what you could not. Zookeeper: It bothered me. But the power will be mine. Giles tries to get away, but the zookeeper hits him in the gut with his stick and again on the back, knocking him out. He tosses the stick aside and drags Giles away. Cut to Buffy, still running through the trees. Cut to outside the Hyena House. Willow hears them coming and runs in. Cut inside. Willow: They're almost here! Giles! Giles! (sees the zookeeper) Where are the hyenas for the trans-possession? Zookeeper: They're right here in the feeding area. Willow runs to see the hyenas, but he stops her. Zookeeper: Stay back! They haven't been fed. Willow: Where's Giles? Zookeeper: He's... laying in wait. Willow: They're almost here. Shouldn't you bring the hyenas out? Zookeeper: When the time is right. I'm gonna need your help. (begins binding her wrists) Cut outside. Buffy comes running in. Buffy: They're right behind me! Cut inside. Willow: That's Buffy! Get ready! The zookeeper takes Willow and positions her in front of him. Zookeeper: Here. Willow: What is this? Zookeeper: A predatory act, remember? (holds a knife to her throat) Willow: Uh, right. You'll pretend to slash my throat and, and put the evil in the hyenas? Zookeeper: Something like that. Willow realizes the zookeeper has other intentions. Buffy comes running in, but stops short when she sees Willow being held by the zookeeper. Willow: Buffy, it's a trap! Xander grabs Buffy from behind and they fall to the floor. The others come in and get on top of her, too. Zookeeper: YU BA YA SA NA! The pack looks up at him and their eyes all flash green. Then the zookeeper's eye flash green. He turns to Willow and growls. He drops the knife, grabs her head and moves in to bite her. Xander: Willow! He gets up and charges the zookeeper, knocking him down and away from Willow. The pack gets off of Buffy. The zookeeper gets up and punches Xander. Buffy gets up and punches the zookeeper. Kyle and his gang see the fight and begin to crawl away on their butts. The zookeeper charges Buffy but she knocks him back down. He charges her again and she tosses him over onto his back. He gets up and tries again. Buffy gets under him and throws him up and into the hyena pit. He tries to climb out but is dragged back down by the hyenas. Kyle and company get up and scramble away. Buffy runs to the pit to see if she can save the zookeeper, but she's too late. She looks away as Xander comes over to untie Willow. Giles comes out of the back room. Giles: Uh, did I miss anything? Cut to the school the next day. The shot from the balcony shows Buffy, Willow and Xander walking across the quad. Willow: I heard the vice-principal's taking over 'til they can find a replacement. Buffy: It shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one. Xander: Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right? They start to climb the stairs. Buffy: Oh, right. Willow: You only ate the pig. Xander: I ate a pig? Was it cooked and called bacon or... The girls shake their heads. Xander: (covering his face) Oh, my God! I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuk! Buffy: Well, it wasn't really you. Xander: Well, I remember I was goin' on the field trip, and then goin' down to the Hyena House, and next thing some guy's holding Willow and he's got a knife. Willow: You saved my life. Xander: Hey! Nobody messes with my Willow. (gives her a hug) Buffy looks on and smiles. Willow smiles, too. Buffy: This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes. Xander: I didn't do anything else, did I, around you guys or anything embarrassing? The girls smile, and Buffy considers what to tell him. Buffy: (shakes her head) Nah! Willow: Not at all. Buffy: (to Willow) C'mon. We're gonna be late. (takes her hand and they go) Willow: (to Xander) See you at lunch. Xander: Cool! Oh, hey, goin' vegetarian! Huh? He gives them two thumbs-up. Willow turns and smiles at him. So does Buffy. Xander starts to head the other way when he is met by Giles. Giles: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards. Xander: Did you tell them that? Giles: (leans to Xander's ear) Your secret dies with me. Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me. Giles pats him on the shoulder as he shakes his head and starts walking along the balcony. He leans on the railing and watches Xander go. Xander can't believe what has happened to him.
Plan: A: the zoo; Q: Where did Xander and his friends sneak into the hyena habitat? A: Xander; Q: Who was infected by the evil demon spirit? A: four; Q: How many other students sneak into the hyena habitat? A: the spell; Q: What did Buffy, Giles, and Willow reverse? Summary: At the zoo, Xander and four other students sneak into the off-limits hyena habitat and become infected by an evil demon spirit. Xander and his pack grow more and more feral until Buffy, Giles, and Willow reverse the spell.
Outside, after school (Rick is walking along and Spinner and Jimmy pull up in Spinner's car beside him.) Spinner: Yo Richard! Hey buddy. Hey man I said hi. It's rude not to say hi back! (Rick doesn't say anything, Spinner stops the car and him and Jimmy get out.) Spinner: Seriously what's that?! I mean... Rick: Hi Spinner. Spinner: Hi. Rick: New haircut? Spinner: Yes it is. Jimmy: New chapeau? (Jimmy takes Rick's hat.) Jimmy: Oh this is nice. Spinner: Hey this is nice. So soft. Where'd you get it? I know where you can find it. (Spinner tosses it in the dumpster.) Jimmy: Ohhh man! Spinner: You know what, I'll help you! Oh there! Jimmy: That it? (Spinner and Jimmy push Rick into the dumpster.) Jimmy: Well I hope you find it along with maybe a little snack or something. Spinner: Yeah. See you tomorrow freak. In the parking lot of the school (Rick goes over to Spinner's car and spray paints a huge black X on the window and side of the driver's door.) In the hall (Rick and Jimmy bang into each other.) Jimmy: You might want to watch where you're going loser. Rick: You watch where you're going Neanderthal! Jimmy: What'd you just say?! (Mr. Simpson walks up behind them.) Jimmy: Morning sir! I've got a hall pass. I'm good? Mr. Simpson: Quick. World's 3 longest rivers in order. Jimmy: Uh ok. The Nile, Amazon and the Yangtze? Mr. Simpson: Most NBA championships? Jimmy: Boston Celtics, why? Mr. Simpson: Well we've got geography and sports covered! Rick meet your new teammate! Rick: What?! Mr. Simpson: Heather Sinclair just came down with mono. Her loss is Jimmy's gain! Welcome to whack your brain. At Joey's house Helen: The day after tomorrow is the open house. You'll have to clean! Joey: Okay what else? Helen: Dust, maybe vacuum, sweep the floors... Joey: I mean what else, else! I have to sell my home Helen. You've got to give me more to do than just spit and shine! Helen: We will sell it Joseph, with our asking price this house will be snapped up! Joey: Excuse me. Craig, why aren't you dressed? Craig: Clammy palms, scratchy throat. Joey: Yeah well if I don't see a fever, you're out the door in 10! (Craig puts Joey's hand on his forehead.) Joey: Okay. No TV, no phone, just rest... Helen I'm sorry but this meeting, it's gone on longer than expected! Helen: We still have business to finish! Joey: Well I have a business to get to or I'm finished. So please, just sell my house. At school Emma: Hey guys! I made flashcards! You want me to quiz them by category or should I shuffle? Rick: I'm quitting. Emma: Rick! The finals are tomorrow. Rick: We have a new teammate. Jimmy Brooks. AKA my daily tormenter. Toby: I told you man, just go to Simpson. Just ask him for a re-think on his decision. Rick: If Jimmy's booted, he'll know it's me. Emma: Jimmy and them, they don't like you 'cause they don't know you. Rick: So? Emma: So you came back to Degrassi to show you changed right? So work with Jimmy on the team. Show him you're not the guy he thinks you are. Rick: Think they want to know who I am? (Points to some nasty notes left on his locker) They want to torture me. Emma: (rips down the pieces of paper) Rick we need you on the team, so you need to do something. In Mr. Raditch's office Rick: Mr. Raditch sir. I require a kind of favor. Um it's concerning a member of the Whack Your Brain team. Mr. Raditch: Do I look like I have time for a chat Richard? Your point? Rick: He's harassing me sir. Mr. Raditch: Harassing how? Rick: Well he doesn't like me and he has no problems expressing it. Mr. Raditch: So are you asking me to order this student to like you? Do you really think that will resolve matters? Richard I've told you time and time again. It takes two to tango. Rick: Sir- Mr. Raditch: You don't like him and he doesn't like you. So I suggest you try harder to get along! Come back if anything serious happens. That is all. In the school parking lot (Spinner and Sean are looking at the paint on Spinner's car.) Spinner: This car is cursed alright! Totally cursed! (Jay and Alex drive up and Jay's car has the same X painted on it.) Sean: You too? (Jay parks the car and him and Alex get out.) Jay: Somebody picked the wrong guys to mess with. Alex: Someone named Rick Murray. Sean: You guys are gonna want to get this off your clear coat before it ruins it. Spinner: Screw that. It's evidence. I'm telling Raditch. Sean: 'I'm telling Raditch!' You don't think he's gonna want to know why Rick tagged you? Jay: Sean's right. Let's keep Raditch out of this. Spinner: Buddy's going down. He's toast. In the hall, Toby is at the water fountain Spinner: Hey! Reject where's your friend?! Toby: As if I'm gonna tell you! Jay: Hey! Weiner! He asked you a question! (Jay smacks Toby's head so it bangs against the water fountain.) Spinner: Thought you were smarter than this. In a room practicing for the trivia game Mr. Simpson: Ah! Our high tech genius has arrived... and he's bleeding. Toby: Skateboard accident. I'm fine. Mr. Simpson: I'll get you some ice. Jimmy: So give it up Isaacs. Who did it? Rick: Wish you hit him Jimmy, instead of missing all the fun? Jimmy: Look Rick, why don't you just back off? Rick: I've been suffering for weeks. A big joke to you and all your friends. I should just stop it. Toby doesn't deserve this. Nobody does. At Joey's house Joey: Craig I said no TV! Sydney: Hi Joey. Joey: Syd... Sydney: Craig called me at work. Here's your tea. Craig: How do you feel about younger men? Joey: Uh, you look good. Sydney: I've been good. Your house Joey. You should have called me. It's who I am. It's what I do! Joey: That's why you're-? Sid you sell department stores, office tours, banks... Sydney: Craig told me Joey. I didn't know the business was doing so badly. Joey: How badly did he make it out to get you here, especially after the... Sydney: After the whole viciously dumping me for Caitlin thing? Come on Joey. We're not 18. (Nobody says anything.) Sydney: This was a mistake. Craig: Joey! She's not desperate for the job. Let her help! Sydney: It's good to see you. Bye. In a room at school practicing for Whack Your Brain Mr. Simpson: Which poem ends with a line 'and miles to go before I sleep'? Rick: Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening. Robert Frost. Mr. Simpson: Correct. Which element represented by Te has also been known to cause garlic breath? Rick: Tellurium! Mr. Simpson: Bingo. And one last question from the world of sports! Which team has suffered the most consecutive super bowl losses? Jimmy: Buffalo Bills. Mr. Simpson: Four time losers. No wins! Rick: Utility perfected. In the halls Rick: Amazing trivia skills Jim. Jimmy: Thanks. You're good too. Spinner: Yo Jimmy. Hey dog meat you got something on your shirt! (Spinner flicks Rick's nose as he looks down.) Jimmy: That's just weak. Grow up. Alex: Ooh Ricky found a friend. Jimmy: Give it a rest. It's boring. (As they walk away Rick turns around and makes an X with his arms.) Jay: Bad move freak. At Rick's house (Rick's mom is tailoring the suit he's wearing.) Mrs. Murray: All set! A year from now you'll be the same size as your father. Rick: I don't want a sales job. I never want any job! Mrs. Murray: He doesn't like being sent out of town Ricky. (The doorbell rings and Toby comes in.) Mrs. Murray: Oh hey Toby! Are you as excited as Ricky? The lights! The cameras! The thrill of performance! Ricky tells me that you and your new friends... Rick: Jimmy and Emma! Mrs. Murray: That you all have become practically inseparable at school. Toby: Uh Jimmy? Mrs. Murray: And to think I wanted Rick to transfer to another school. Rick: You worry too much mother. Pretty soon Toby and I will be running that place. Toby: Uh... yeah we're the coolest. [SCENE_BREAK] At Joey's house Joey: Craig come on! Get up! Craig: I'm as sick as yesterday. Scratch that. Sicker. Joey: I gotta get this place ready for the open house so the dealerships gonna have to stay closed for the day. Craig: So you're here all day? Joey: I might step out briefly and when I get back I don't want to find Tessa Campinelli sitting on my front door step okay?! You shouldn't have called Sydney! How pathetic did you make me sound? Did you tell her we were burning furniture for heat, sleeping on sewer grates, eating out of- (Craig starts putting on his jacket.) Joey: What are you doing? Craig: I'm going to school. That's how badly I don't want to be around you lately. Joey: Excuse me?! Craig: Look. Sorry if I'm the only one that actually cares about this place. Joey you'd sell it for beads, Sydney won't. Outside school Rick: Hey! My thoughts are on sale today. Two for a penny. You can pay me later. Emma: Okay. Rick: Um thank you for talking to me, you know about Jimmy. When you speak, I listen. You're my guide. Emma: Well I'm glad things worked out. I knew you'd make friends. In the school Rick: Hi Jimmy. Jimmy: Hey Rick. Rick: So nervous? Jimmy: Uh no, not really...yes, yes I am a little bit. Jimmy: Well don't worry. Together we'll lead the team to new heights of victory. Paige: Raditch, line one. Wants his suit back. *hands Rick her cell phone* Rick: Take a message. In the auditorium Announcer: Good morning folks and welcome to the world's favorite quiz show. We are back to attack your cranium and... Audience: WHACK YOUR BRAIN! Announcer: We got a good game for you today. Northern High is getting ready to go up against Degrassi CS. Both these teams are ready, let's not waste any more time. Hands on buzzers. Here we go. In what Canadian city was the telephone invented? Rick: That'd be Brantford Ontario. Announcer: You're on the board! Culture. Name the spicy, Spanish vegetable soup, usually served chilled! Toby: Uh Gazpacho! Announcer: Good job. Science. What scientific instrument cuts very thin slices for examination by a microscope? Mick (opposing team): A microtone! Announcer: You're on the board! Geography. What is the geographical term for land between areas of permanent snow and the tree line in arctic regions? Mick (opposing team): Tundra? Announcer: Good job. Sports. In tennis what term describes the ball touching the net and falling into the opponents court? Jimmy: Let. Announcer: Good job! Degrassi has 30 points! Announcer: Geography. Rick: Great circle route! Emma: Franz Ferdinand! Mick (opposing team): Namibia! Rick: The Plesticy! Announcer: Good job. Northern 180 points! Degrassi right there with170 points! Just a reminder, in case of a tie each team will select one player to compete in the final lightening round. Hands on buzzers please. Your last category sports. Name the first golfer to win the British and US opens in the same year. Anyone? Rick: Bobby Jones? Announcer: Tie game! A short break. When we come back the final lightening round! Don't go anywhere! Jimmy: You're gonna take that right? Rick: Yeah! (Rick holds on to Emma's hand and she pulls it away.) In the boy's washroom Jimmy: So let me ask you a question. How did you become an encyclopedia? Rick: I read a lot. A lot of time to myself. I thought sports was your territory... Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, I had a little brain cramp. And anyways golf is not a sport. Spinner: Hey man! That was so sweet. I mean you're a know it all trivia machine. Jimmy: This competition is money in the bank with my boy right here. Jay: Nice. Are you doing the lightening round buddy? Rick: Affirmative. Jimmy: Probably better him than me right? (Jimmy leaves and Rick looks hesitant at Spinner and Jay) Jay: We're cool man. (Rick smiles at them as he leaves.) Spinner: Better him than me?! Yeaahhh. Alright. You're sure Alex can set this up? Jay: Dude the best part about dating the student council VP...nobody asks questions. At Joey's house Sydney: I'm sorry I'm late. Joey: No problem you're here. I uh, I really appreciate that. Sydney: Say something else to make me stay. Joey: Um, I need help. Badly. Craig was right, you were right. I should have come to you weeks ago. Sydney: I could sit here all day and come up with ways to hate you, but your family's in trouble. Being here isn't easy for me either Joey. Joey: I know. Look the way we finished, I'm not proud of that. Sydney: My assistant will be here within the hour and put a sign up on your lawn. I'll pop by after work say 5:30? Joey: So we're going with the open house? Sydney: Think about creating an atmosphere. Start with some music playing. Joey: Music? Sydney: But not that demo tape that you used to play me from your band...your band- Joey: Zit Remedy! Sydney: No zits. No remedies. But a pie! Something baking in the oven. That would be nice! Joey: Okay. Back at the quiz show Announcer: The deepest place on Earth. Mick (opposing team): The Mariana Trench! Announcer: Time! Northern with 40 points! Good job! Degrassi, who's up? Rick: (whispers to Emma) This is all for you. Announcer: There's the score you have to beat. 30 seconds on the clock. Time begins now. The Confederation Bridge links Prince Edward Island with what Canadian province. Rick: New Brunswick! Announcer: A minimum of how many games does it take to win a set in tennis? Rick: Seven? Announcer: What was the original home video game console introduced in 1972? Rick: Magnavox Odyssey! Announcer: Sauron reigned over what territory? Rick: Mordor. Announcer: Who spent 27 years in prison before being elected president of South Africa? Rick: Nelson Mandela. Announcer: In what Robert Bolt play does Sir Thomas Moore face a moral dilemma. Rick: A Man For All Seasons! Announcer: Time! That's it! 50 points! Degrassi wins! Degrassi wins! (Everyone is cheering, then yellow paint and feathers fall and cover Rick and everyone is laughing.) Out in the hall Emma: Rick! Rick, what happened... it only makes the people that did it look totally juvenile. Rick: They ruined it Emma. Their life ruiners. Everyone laughing. Emma: But nobody's ever gonna forget who won! Who is the smartest guy in the whole school, in the whole city! (Rick grabs Emma and starts kissing her.) Emma: Rick! What are you doing?! Let go! Rick: I thought you loved me! Emma: I felt sorry for you. I pitied you. (Gives him the trophy before walking away) Get a clue! At Joey's house, the doorbell rings and Joey answers it Caitlin: Around the world in just over 180 days! Joey: Caitlin! (They kiss awwww.) Caitlin: (In between kisses) I'm on an emergency hiatus from the aids piece. Turmoil in Haiti. So I took the first flight home! Why is Sydney's name on your lawn?! At Rick's house Rick: Mother? Father? (Rick goes over to a cabinet and slowly opens a case with a gun in it.) Scenes for next week Voiceover: Degrassi faces the unthinkable. Rick: I didn't want it to come to this. Toby: The guy's a psycho ok! He's a total psycho. He's not my friend! Rick: This is the one time I actually want to be at school. Voiceover: A day that will change their lives forever. Sean: He's got a gun okay? Let's go! (Sean says that to Toby and Emma) Rick: Don't turn away from me. Voiceover: A day someone will not live through. Sean: Put the gun down okay? Rick: You made me do this. (Holds up the gun and we hear a shot)
Plan: A: Rick; Q: Who is finally standing up for himself? A: respect; Q: What does Rick gain from people? A: Jimmy; Q: Who is forced to be on the quiz team with Rick? A: a lesson; Q: What do Spinner, Jay, and Alex plan to teach Rick? A: realtor; Q: What is Sydney's job? A: Sydney; Q: Who does Joey enlist to help him sell his house? Summary: Rick is finally standing up for himself and gains respect from people including Jimmy, who is forced to be on the quiz team with him. Unbeknownst to him, Spinner, Jay, and Alex plan to teach him a lesson. Meanwhile, Joey has to sell his house and enlists his ex-girlfriend and realtor, Sydney, to help.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars� Duncan reunites with his mother on the tarmac and Keith talks to Celeste (from 121 "A Trip to the Dentist"). KEITH: Stop by the office and we'll finish up. CELESTE: Finish up? KEITH: I'm referring to the reward. CELESTE: Veronica and I had an arrangement. Duncan and Veronica at the front door of the Kanes home in the same episode. DUNCAN: I'm a murderer and a rapist now. Cut to Duncan waking up in bed with Veronica from the flashback in the same episode. DUNCAN: I slept with you. Cut back to Duncan and Veronica at the front door of the Kanes home in the same episode. VERONICA: Well what about that is so wrong? DUNCAN: 'Cause you're my sister. Cut to Keith in Las Vegas with Cheyenne from the same episode. KEITH: I know you were with Abel Koontz at the time he supposedly murdered Lilly Kane. Cut to Keith and Alicia cuddling on the Mars couch (from 118 "Weapons of Class Destruction"). WALLACE: [Offscreen] You think they're serious. Cut to Wallace and Veronica in Veronica's bedroom from the same episode. VERONICA: It won't last long. My mom's in rehab. Cut to Lianne sitting with Keith at the Mars apartment (from 121 "A Trip to the Dentist"). VERONICA: When she gets cleaned up, she's coming home. Cut to Weevil confronting Logan from the same episode. WEEVIL: If you think you're going to lay a hand on her the way you did Lilly... LOGAN: Don't you even say her name. Cut to Veronica and Logan in the pool house from the same episode. VERONICA: You learned that from Lilly. LOGAN: No, Lilly learned that from me. Cut to later in the pool house when Veronica finds the videotaping equipment from the same episode. End previously. Open with a shot across the cubicles of a newspaper office. The camera pans down to Lloyd, cynical newspaperman who leans back in his chair, his hands behind his head. LLOYD: Now, let me make sure I'm hearing this correctly. Abel Koontz couldn't have killed Lilly Kane because at the time of the murder, he was in the company of Miss, um� The camera reverses to show Keith and Cheyenne standing in from of him. CHEYENNE: Cheyenne. LLOYD: Cheyenne. KEITH: Deborah Collins, yes. LLOYD: [Sighs] Keith, even if I did believe your story which, at the moment I don't, there's no way top brass would risk a story like this. If is turned out to not be true, we'd become a national joke. CHEYENNE: Well, we tried. Cheyenne turns as if to go but Keith puts a hand on her arm and stops her. KEITH: It is true. I'm serving up the story of your lifetime, Lloyd. LLOYD: Look, Keith, I can't risk my career because of testimony, all due respect, of a hooker. KEITH: Well, there's more, a lot more. Keith gets a file from his case and hands it to Lloyd. KEITH: You read it. If you think there's merit, talk to Miss Collins here. Lloyd takes the file, still sceptical. KEITH: Thanks. Lloyd looks resigned. Keith gives Cheyenne a comforting touch then leaves. Cheyenne, fed up, looks back down at Lloyd who sighs heavily. Cut to Keith coming up to the door of his apartment. He has some mail and looks at one particular envelope. It is from Unified Genetics and marked: Results Confidential. He stares at it for a moment and is about to open it when he hears the sound of laughter coming from the apartment. He puts the unopened envelope into his pocket and enters the apartment. Veronica and Lianne are chopping the accoutrements for tacos. They both have a spoon in their mouth and are giggling. VERONICA: Hi Dad. This is so stupid. LIANNE: No, I'm telling you. No tears. Keith, the radio, like old times. [To Veronica, re the spoons] It works, see. Keith turns on the radio. Connie Francis sings "Where the Boys Are". SONG: Where the boys are Someone waits for me A smilin' face, a warm embrace Two arms to hold me tenderly Where the boys are, my true love will be He's- Lianne responds to the music choice by calling out to Keith. LIANNE: Keith, tacos. Veronica stares at her mother. LIANNE: What? VERONICA: It's just funny to me how you always have to have your music match your meal. LIANNE: It is called setting a mood. VERONICA: Of course. LIANNE: Connie Francis is spaghetti bolognaise with a crusty bread and a nice Chianti. [Off a look from Keith] Uh, sans the Chianti. VERONICA: Okay, say we were having hot dogs and Tater Tots? LIANNE: Late seventies southern rock, Skynyrd, maybe Creedence. VERONICA: Pork chops. LIANNE: Country, old school. KEITH: Unless it's fried, then it's Elvis, the early years. Lianne raises a bottle of water to Keith in agreement, then drinks from it. Keith goes back to the radio and changes the music to "La Bamba". SONG: Por ti sere Por ti sere Bamba bamba Bamba bamba KEITH: There you go, how's that? LIANNE: Perfect. Cut to Keith, sitting in his office at Mars Investigations. He stares at the envelope from Unified Genetics and then opens it. He is nervous but opens out the sheet therein and reads. The door to Mars Investigations closes behind his visitor. CLIFF: [Offscreen] Tell me this is a joke. Cliff saunters in from the outer office. CLIFF: You want to sue the Kane family. Keith stuffs the results back in the envelope as Cliff takes a seat. KEITH: Yes. CLIFF: Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane? KEITH: They'll settle. CLIFF: Oh, they will. Well, that's good to hear. Seems like you have this pretty well sewn up. Anything you need me to have notarised? Cut to a newspaper which carries the front page headline: Eyewitness Steps Forward: Escort claims she was with Koontz at time of Kane murder. The camera moves up to show that Dick is reading the story on the inside pages, with Beaver looking over his shoulder. They are outside Neptune High. BEAVER: [Concerned] There's phone records, man. An-an-and how do you-how do you explain the shoes, huh? DICK: It doesn't mean jack. You need to chill out, Beav, right now. To the grave, man, that's what we said. Beaver is not convinced. Cut to inside the school as Wallace, reading from the newspaper, and Veronica walk down the hallway. WALLACE: [Reading] Since his removal from office, Keith Mars, the ousted sheriff, has tirelessly and single-handedly continued his own investigation, despite being shunned by the community at large. VERONICA: You'd think it might be gross to read a love letter to your dad, but I kind of enjoy it. WALLACE: All I know is if I were him right now, I'd be I-told-you-soing all over Neptune. Veronica looks up at the sound of students greeting each other and sees Logan. She forcibly veers Wallace and herself off course, into the girls' bathroom. WALLACE: My blonde-pulling-me-into-the-girl's-room fantasy? Ruined! Veronica looks at Wallace. VERONICA and WALLACE: [Simultaneously] Do me a favour? Wallace grins. VERONICA: Go outside and tell me when Logan's gone. WALLACE: Okay. How much longer do you think you can avoid him? Wallace exits as Veronica leans back against the door. Cut to Alicia with Keith at Mars Investigations. Both are upset although Keith, unlike Alicia, is managing to hold back tears. KEITH: I mean, believe me, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. If there's a chance to keep my family together, I have to take it. I just don't know what else to say. ALICIA: You're really doing this? Is it really what you want? Keith doesn't respond but looks despondent. Alicia strokes his arm, lets out a sob and turns to run from the office. As she is exiting, Veronica enters and Alicia pauses a moment to look at her and then goes on. Veronica looks at her father. VERONICA: Everything okay? KEITH: Oh, it's fine. I just had to tell Alicia that my situation is changed. VERONICA: Sorry. I know how much you care about her. KEITH: Yeah. VERONICA: She's got to understand, though, right? I mean with Mom coming back? KEITH: Yeah. They hug. Cut to the Kanes. Jake and Celeste are working on a seating plan at the kitchen counter. Celeste is seated at the counter on one side whilst Jake is standing on the other, mixing a drink. JAKE: Don't seat the entertainment people next to the corporate people. Right? Let's keep it civil. CELESTE: Jake, honey, when did we become Republicans? JAKE: We haven't, we're, uh, we're going with the flow. Besides the, uh, governor's, uh, very popular and, uh, honestly, it's going to be good for business. And his social policy- CELESTE: No. Just�spare me. Duncan enters with a newspaper in his hand and stands next to Jake. DUNCAN: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield. I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing. I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. Let's open the floor for discussion on that one, what do you say? CELESTE: It's hogwash, Duncan. It's an invention of Keith Mars. The woman was a prostitute, for god's sake. DUNCAN: [Angry] Stop! Quit lying to me. JAKE: Duncan, please. DUNCAN: Dad, I can't take it anymore. All the lies. Does anyone ever tell me the truth? Ever? You treat me like I'm six years old, you always have. JAKE: You wanna know, Duncan? You want to know everything? CELESTE: Jake, no! DUNCAN: Yeah, I wanna know. JAKE: You did it, son. You had a fit. You killed your sister. Duncan can't believe it. Flashback to the scene of Lilly's murder. Celeste calls from the house. CELESTE: Duncan. Duncan, come inside. Duncan is down by the pool, in his football gear, cradling Lilly. Jake joins Celeste and they look at each other in confusion. JAKE: Duncan! Jake and Celeste race towards their children. JAKE: Duncan! Duncan turns his head. His face is covered in Lilly's blood. Celeste screams. Lilly is dead. Both crouch down next to Duncan and Lilly. JAKE: Lilly? Jake stares at his son. Cut to present as Duncan stares at his father. The doorbell rings and Celeste exits to answer. Jake puts his hands on Duncan's shoulders. JAKE: Look, it was an accident, Duncan. We know it was. You didn't know what you were doing. You loved your sister. We've done this for you, son, so you could have a future. Jake pulls the distraught Duncan into a hug. Duncan cries. Celeste calls out from the doorway. CELESTE: Keith Mars is suing us. We've been served. Jake looks over at her a little disturbed by her lack of appreciation of his current priorities and returns to try to comfort Duncan. Cut to Neptune High. Veronica is working in the darkened journalism classroom. Beaver enters. BEAVER: Hello? VERONICA: Beaver? BEAVER: It's, uh, it's Cassidy. My real name's Cassidy. VERONICA: What can I do for you Cassidy? BEAVER: Well, there's something that you should know, it's for your own good. VERONICA: Spill. BEAVER: Well, the weekend that Lilly was killed, me, Dick and Logan, we were down in Mexico, surfing. VERONICA: I know this. BEAVER: Yeah, well Logan, he, uh, he got-he got all worked up, you know, talking about how he that Lilly was seeing somebody new. VERONICA: Yeah. BEAVER: So he got up early that morning, the day that Lilly was murdered, he drove back to Neptune to see her. Veronica is horrified. Cut to Keith's office. VERONICA: [Flatly] Beaver said that Logan had bought Lilly a shot glass that he found in a tourist shop down there. KEITH: Does that seem odd to you? VERONICA: Not that odd. Lilly collected shot glasses. Beaver said it said "I got baked in Ensenada" and she would have loved it. KEITH: [Concerned] Are you all right, honey? VERONICA: Yeah, just�Logan. Keith has a light bulb moment. KEITH: Baked in Ensenada! Veronica! Cut to them in the main office, papers strewn everywhere. "Bad Boyfriend" by Garbage starts up. SONG: C�mon baby be my bad boyfriend So ripe so sweet come suck it and see But watch out daddy I sting like a bee I know some tricks i swear will give you the bends C�mon baby be my bad boyfriend I�ve got something special for my bad boyfriend Keith is reading one of the files. VERONICA: What are you looking for? KEITH: This. It's an inventory of everything in Lilly's bedroom, everything in Lilly's car. Shot glass. Baked in Ensenada. It's here, it was in her car. You know what this means? VERONICA: Means Logan found Lilly. Cut to Neptune High. Logan is at his new, upper locker as Veronica comes into view further up the hallway. They stare at each other for a moment then her returns his attention to putting his books in his locker. SONG: I�ve got something special for my bad boyfriend Veronica plasters a smile on her face and walks up to him. VERONICA: Hey. Logan looks up, then looks around. LOGAN: Oh. I exist? Thought I felt different today. VERONICA: I've been avoiding you. LOGAN: Really? I hadn't noticed. VERONICA: I'm sorry. I freaked out. That night in the guest house, we were like crossing over into something and I-I don't know, all of a sudden I just felt really weird and guilty and I started thinking about Duncan and about Lilly and�it wasn't the easiest night to begin with. LOGAN: [Softly] I know. VERONICA: I just couldn't deal. LOGAN: Well, you could've told me. No, I mean even if you just said I can't deal but you bolt and you dodge me for a couple days� VERONICA: It's what I do. When things get out of control, I need to be alone. LOGAN: [Looking away from her] Listen, you know, I am freaked out, too, you know, this whole Abel Koontz thing. Veronica drops the fa�ade and stares hard at him. LOGAN: Knowing what we do about Duncan. I don't want to believe it could have been him but it's-it's like the only thing that makes sense, right? VERONICA: I don't know. LOGAN: I have this feeling that things are gonna get really bad. VERONICA: Yeah? LOGAN: [Looking at her again] Don't run out on me again, okay, I mean, if you need to do whatever, you just let me know. VERONICA: I need to do whatever. Logan sighs, disappointed and returns to his book. VERONICA: Just for a couple of days and then I'll be back to normal or as close to normal as I can get. Logan stares at her for a moment. LOGAN: Okay. He leans forward, kissing on the forehead, shutting his eyes. LOGAN: You know where to find me. Veronica is uncomfortable and Logan walks away. Veronica uses her cell phone. VERONICA: It's me. I just ran into Logan. I know, I know. I couldn't help it. He's trying to pin it on Duncan. Any news on Tijuana? Cut to Keith. KEITH: The Border Patrol got back to me. Logan's car crossed the border at 8:57am on the day Lilly was murdered. Beaver was telling the truth. Cut back to Veronica who is standing outside an empty classroom. VERONICA: He had plenty of time to get back to Neptune and kill her. Cut back to Keith. VERONICA: [Offscreen] Okay, I'll see you later. KEITH: Hey, are you okay? Cut back to Veronica. VERONICA: No, I'm fine. KEITH: [Offscreen] Love you. VERONICA: Love you to. Veronica finishes the call. There are footsteps behind her. The classroom wasn't empty after all and Weevil appears from around the corner of the door. VERONICA: That's not what it sounded like. WEEVIL: It sounded a lot like Logan killed Lilly. These rich boys think they can get away with anything, don't they. Weevil wanders off. Cut to a conference room. Cliff and Keith are on one side of the table and Celeste and Barry Randall, last seen in 119 "Hot Dogs" are on the other side. CLIFF: Miss Mars may have agreed to help find your son but it was Mr Mars, a licensed private investigator who located him and ensured his safe return. CELESTE: I'd be happy to give Mr Mars a cheque right now. KEITH: And the condition? CELESTE: Veronica relinquishes any future claim to the Kane estate. BARRY: Contracts are prepared; all we need is your daughter's signature. Barry hands a file to Keith, which Cliff intercepts. CLIFF: Future claims? So what, she slips and falls outside Kane Enterprises; tough toenails? KEITH: Yeah, I guess now is a good time to protect your assets with the Abel Koontz witness coming forward. CELESTE: I'm sure you'll encourage your daughter to do the right thing. KEITH: Oh, believe me, I'm willing to make this deal. Cliff, recognising that there is subtext, has no blooming idea what it is and stares from one to the other of them. KEITH: But I'll let Veronica make the decision�once I figure out how to explain it to her. CELESTE: Keith, we both know your daughter knows exactly why she's being asked to sign this. And we both know it's better for everyone if she does. Cliff remains flummoxed. Cut to Keith, sitting on the couch in the darkened outer office of Mars Investigations. He is reading the contract. Veronica enters. VERONICA: You're not trying to burn a hole through a stack of paper using only the power of your stare again? KEITH: Hey, sweetheart. Have a seat a minute; I have to talk to you. Veronica sits next to Keith and turns her body to face him. KEITH: I met with Celeste Kane today. VERONICA: She's paying you double and sponsoring our club membership? KEITH: Well, she actually agreed to pay up but only if you sign this contract that says that you'll never sue them again. She wants you to waive any claim on the Kane fortune. Veronica looks at the contract and with no hesitation, picks up a pen and signs the document. Keith watches her. She notices. VERONICA: What? Was I supposed to sign in blood? KEITH: [Barely containing his emotions] Do you know what you just signed away? VERONICA: There's nothing that I want from them. KEITH: Nothing. You didn't sign away a thing. Keith pulls the paternity test result from under the contract. KEITH: Veronica, I am without a doubt your father. Veronica gives a great sob and after a second with her hands to her face she reaches out for her father. They hug fiercely, Keith with tears watering his eyes. Veronica laughs and sobs at the same time. VERONICA: Oh! Yeah, you are! KEITH: You think that charm of yours is learned behaviour? That's genetics, baby! Veronica grins through the tears and kisses Keith. She looks at him fondly then gasps and slaps a hand on his brow. VERONICA: I say we put a dent in that fi'ty grand and celebrate. KEITH: Actually, honey, this new information we have on Logan, his alibi is completely blown. I think we can finally go to the authorities. Veronica maintains her smile but is clearly affected by this. She nods VERONICA: Um-hm. Keith strokes her hair. Offscreen a doorbell rings. Cut to outside the Echolls' home where two cars from the Sheriff's Department are parked. Cut to inside as Aaron answers the door to Sheriff Lamb and two deputies. LAMB: Afternoon, sir. AARON: Sheriff. Can I help you with something? LAMB: You can show me to your son's room. [Holding up a warrant] We're gonna need to search it. AARON: What do you want with my son? LAMB: Some new information has come up regarding the Lilly Kane murder case. We're gonna follow up. Routine. Lamb presses past Aaron into the house, his deputies following. AARON: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just barge in here! LAMB: Now, come on now. What? You've been in like, what, thirty cop movies? [To the female deputy] Hey, make sure you check the air conditioning vents. DEPUTY: Got you, boss. LAMB: [To Aaron] Our snitch says these crafty little buggers today; they hide things in the vents. AARON: Wait a minute, wait a minute. W-where's my son? Cut to Neptune High as Logan exits the school, heading across the car park. Weevil is waiting for him and starts to follow him, dropping a steel pipe from his sleeve into his hand. He is about to strike when Deputy Sacks and another deputy appear from behind the school bus. SACKS: Logan Echolls? Weevil pulls back. LOGAN: Yeah. What's going on? SACKS: We'd like you to come with us down to the station, please. We have a few questions we'd like to ask you. Weevil walks off as Logan is taken away. Cut to an interrogation room at the Sheriff's Department. Lamb and Logan are seated on opposite sides of a small table, alone. LAMB: [Tapping the table for emphasis] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why? LOGAN: How many episodes of "NYPD Blue" did you have to watch to get the finger tapping down? LAMB: I asked you a question. LOGAN: And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. Logan snaps his fingers. LAMB: Do I look like I am playing around with you? LOGAN: So how 'bout that phone call, huh? LAMB: [Whispers] Whoops. LOGAN: What, you didn't read the manual? Okay, I get a phone call, it's the law. LAMB: Your daddy's already sending a lawyer. Logan, grinning, holds up his cell. LAMB: [Indulgently] Go ahead. Logan gets up with a laugh and moves to the corner of the room to use the phone. He punches a button. LOGAN: Hey, it's me. Cut to Veronica at home, getting a drink out of the fridge. LOGAN: [Offscreen] Hey, I'm in kind of a jam. Yeah, I'm here at the lovely sheriff's department, being grilled� Cut back to Logan. LOGAN: �without representation I might add. Hey, do you think, uh, you could track down my father, maybe work some of that Veronica magic that gets people out of these things? Cut back to Veronica who pauses. VERONICA: [Slowly] Sure. I'll do whatever I can. Cut back to Logan. LOGAN: Thanks. Well, I'd love to chat, but I have a guest. Logan glances at Lamb who looks amused. LOGAN: Talk to you later. Cut back to Veronica who is frozen. VERONICA: Okay, bye. Veronica stares vacantly as she lets the phone drop from her ear. Cut back to the interrogation room where Lamb is laughing. LAMB: You called Veronica Mars. LOGAN: Yeah. What's it to you? LAMB: Ah, it's funny, that's all, I just�I mean, she's the one who came to me with information about you. Logan is gutted and his heart breaks. Cut to later, Lamb's office as he enjoys his lunch. Deputy Sacks knocks and pokes his head round the door. SACKS: Keith Mars, line two. Lamb punches a button on his desk phone and leans back in his chair, still chewing. LAMB: Keith. What can I do for you? Cut to Keith at the apartment. KEITH: The Echolls kid. What'd you find out? Cut back to Lamb. LAMB: Among other things, I'm pretty sure� Cut back to Keith. LAMB: [Offscreen] �he's dating your daughter. Keith is thunderstruck by this. Cut back to Lamb. LAMB: That, uh, girl of yours� Cut back to a concerned Keith. LAMB: [Offscreen] �she's pretty hard-boiled, huh? KEITH: Logan. Where is he now? Cut back to Lamb. LAMB: We let him go on account we didn't have much to hold him on. He lawyered up. Cut back to Keith. LAMB: [Offscreen] You know the deal. Keith disconnects and drops the phone on the kitchen counter. Lianne is wiping the surface behind him. KEITH: Lianne, where's Veronica? LIANNE: She took Backup out. Keith ponders for a moment, then rises from the counter stool. Cut to Veronica and Backup on the beach. She walks past a group of people, one of whom has a surfboard. She pauses to get something from her bag as the group behind her breaks up and moves away, exposing Logan, hidden behind the surfboard. LOGAN: So, I guess we broke up, huh? Veronica looks behind her fearfully. She walks forward quickly. He follows. VERONICA: What do you want me to say, Logan? LOGAN: "Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless BITCH I am." Something like that! Logan has moved in front of her, stopping her progress. VERONICA: So you're saying you want me dead? LOGAN: [Matter-of-factly] Yes. He steps closer to her, clearly upset and on the verge of tears. VERONICA: One word from me and Backup goes for your throat. Logan glances down at Backup, then back at Veronica, and smiles, losing his angry tone which is replaced by with a sad, resigned one. He looks down at Backup again. LOGAN: Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? On "tear out my throat", he directs himself to Veronica, significantly. He bends down and strokes Backup's head, baring himself to the dog. LOGAN: Who's a man killer, huh? Who's a man killer? Backup is friendly and licks his face. Logan chuckles then looks out over the beach, still kneeling. He sniffs back the tears. LOGAN: You know, I, [he lets out a deep sigh] I knew Lilly was seeing someone. It was driving me crazy. When I left for Neptune, I didn't know if I was gonna scream at her for treating me like dirt or beg her to take me back. He looks up and Veronica. He sniffs again then rises to his feet. LOGAN: And I saw her at the carwash. VERONICA: [Suspiciously] I didn't see you there. LOGAN: Well, I just parked across the street and watched her. And this feeling came over me, you know, I don�t�I don�t know how to describe it but I just knew it was over. So I sat in my car and I wrote this note to her, explaining it. VERONICA: Did you give it to her? LOGAN: Yeah, I left it in the car. VERONICA: With the shot glass. LOGAN: Yeah, with the shot glass. You know, if you read that letter, you'd know I'd never hurt her. There is the sound of a car horn and both look over at the source. It's Keith who gets out of the car and starts running across the sand towards them. KEITH: Hey! Get away from her! You get away from her, now! Veronica is relieved. Logan looks down for a moment then gives one of his twisted smiles of inevitably. LOGAN: I keep thinkin' that things can't get worse, you know? [He backs away from her] You know what? [To Keith] She's all yours. Keith reaches Veronica and puts his arm around her. Logan walks away. KEITH: You two are dating? VERONICA: Not anymore. Keith takes Backup's lead and steers Veronica back towards his car. Cut to Veronica in her room, in front of her laptop, staring into space, deeply saddened. From the laptop, "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. SONG: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully, We got Em in the place who likes it in your face, we got G like MC who likes it on an� Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady, and as for me..ah you'll see, Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, slam, slam, slam, slam Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around. On the screen, Veronica and Lilly are jumping around, singing along. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dad says that though his deputies found the shot glass Logan left for Lilly, the break up letter Logan says he wrote was never discovered. If Lilly wanted to keep it a secret, I have an idea where she would have kept it. LILLY: [Offscreen] Veronica, you have to check this out. Flashback to Lilly's room as Lilly and Veronica lounge on the bed. "Wannabe" is still playing in the background. LILLY: That guy I met in Italy last summer? VERONICA: Yeah? LILLY: He sent me some pictures. Lilly has moved off the bed and grabbed a chair which she set under the air condition vent. VERONICA: Doing some rewiring? LILLY: Celeste is a bit on the nosey side. VERONICA: Yuck. Lilly retrieves something and heads back to the bed. LILLY: Tell me about it. I'm getting even, though. I left phone numbers on matchbooks for Tyrone and Leroy and Chico around the room. Give the woman a little drama in her life. VERONICA: Wait...who's Tyrone and Leroy and Chico? LILLY: Beats me, but they seem to really upset Mom. Veronica looks over Lilly's shoulder at the photographs in her hands. VERONICA: Lilly, those are naked photos. LILLY: They certainly are. They giggle. Cut back to Veronica staring blankly at the laptop. VERONICA VOICEOVER: If Lilly kept Logan's letter, that's where she would have hidden it. Now, what does one wear to meet the governor? Cut to later in Veronica's bedroom. She has clothes strewn around and is dressed in the outfit of a waitress. She is just finished donning a really bad black curly wig and puts on spectacles. Satisfied she heads for the kitchen, checking her phone as she goes. She reaches into the fridge and absently grabs her mother's water bottle and takes a swig. She chokes and spits out the vodka. Cut to her on the phone. VERONICA: Hi, the number to the Hazelwood Facility in Soquel? Cut to the Kanes reception. Waiting staff are wandering around with trays of canapes, serving the guests. Celeste is doing hostess duties, charming a male guest. CELESTE: Wouldn't plan it without you, of course. [To a hovering waitress] Dear, just take it over there. We'll talk to you later. As Celeste moves off, Veronica, her face hidden from Celeste by the tray she carries, makes her way through. GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER: [Offscreen] The crab puffs are fantastic. Veronica continues to thread her way through. WAITER: Smoked salmon, and the same� She reaches the door to Lilly's bedroom, just off from the reception. She dumps the tray on a small table but it is not far back enough on the table and falls to the ground with a loud clatter. She goes back to pick up the tray. Cut to her entering Lilly's darkened bedroom. She sees the vent and heads for Lilly's desk, turning on a small lamp. She pulls a screwdriver from her pocket and the desk chair, moving it under the vent. She notices that one of the screws is partially undone. The door of Lilly's closet behind her moves but she does not notice. She continues the job, removes the screw and starts on the second screw when Duncan bursts into the room. DUNCAN: Who the hell are you? What are you doing in here? Duncan tackles her off the chair as she whips off the wig. VERONICA: Duncan, Duncan, it's me. DUNCAN: Veronica! What are you doing? VERONICA: I'm looking for something. DUNCAN: Well, shouldn't you be looking in my room, I mean, that's where all the clues would be, right? Yeah, yeah, [grabs her by the arms] come on. You didn't put on a whole costume an-and sneak into my house, just to leave empty handed. VERONICA: Duncan, stop. Veronica is struggling to free herself. DUNCAN: No, come on let's see what you can find out. Really, I want you to. Find out everything. Uh, maybe I left a confession on my Etch-A-Sketch. Duncan lets her go. VERONICA: Duncan, Duncan, calm down, okay. I don't think you killed Lilly, Duncan. I think Logan did. DUNCAN: No, no way. VERONICA: He wasn't in Mexico the day she was killed. Dick and Beaver lied for him. [From the closet, everything can be heard.] He came back early because he found out Lilly was seeing someone, Weevil, I think and he admitted that much, but he said he wrote her a letter on the day she died that would prove his innocence. I remembered Lilly used to hide things in her air vents. Duncan, shocked by what he is hearing, gazes up at the vent. DUNCAN: Let's see what's in there. Veronica returns to the vent and completes removal of the grate. She reaches in. DUNCAN: Well? She holds out three tapes. VERONICA: There's just these. She hands them to Duncan who studies them as Veronica replaces the grate. DUNCAN: I've got a camera we can play 'em on. They leave Lilly's room and a shadow moves in the closet. Cut to Duncan's room. He adjusts the television, then stands back with Veronica and presses the remote. The tape starts. It's the same room in the pool house that Veronica found the videotaping equipment in 1.21 "A Trip to the Dentist". DUNCAN: Where's this? VERONICA: Logan's. The pool house. Lilly appears on screen. VERONICA: That's her pep squad outfit. This�this is the day she died. LILLY: Come here, lover. Time to earn your keep. Lilly lounges back on the bed, looking up. Like Veronica, she spots the camera in the fan and the one in the statue at the head of the bed. DUNCAN: What? The tape cuts out. VERONICA: See the other tape. Duncan goes to the camera and swops tapes. DUNCAN: This one's dated October 1st. He returns to Veronica's side and point the remote. This time. Lilly is lying on top of someone in the bed. Duncan is uncomfortable but forces himself to watch. After a few different camera angles, the someone's face appears on screen. VERONICA: Oh my god. DUNCAN: Mr Echolls? Duncan freezes the tape on Aaron as he knowingly poses for the camera. Veronica and Logan are both shocked. Veronica flashes back to the carwash. LILLY: I've got a secret. A good one. Veronica races back to the present and starts to hyperventilate, stepping back to sit on the bed, her mouth agape. DUNCAN: Veronica? Duncan sits next to her. VERONICA: I know what happened. I know what happened. Flashback to Lilly at the pool house on October 3rd, lying on the bed, looking at the fan. She spots the camera and investigates, finding the videotaping equipment. LILLY: [Whispers] Oh, you dirty dog. Lilly takes the tape in the machine and the ones left lying on top and exits. Aaron makes his entrance through the Echolls family curtains. AARON: [Sing-song] Lilly. He sees she's gone and sees the bookcase open, exposing the cameras. He checks and discovers the tapes gone. Cut to Lilly driving home, running a red light and amused by the whole thing. Cut to her in her room, stashing the tapes in the vent. She then grabs a magazine and a bottle of screenblock and exits her room. Cut to Aaron, coming around the corner of the house to the pool area where Lilly has set her things down of a small table. AARON: I want those tapes back! LILLY: Mr. Echolls, hi! Sorry, Logan's not here. AARON: I am not playing with you. LILLY: Oh, really. Well, you're usually very interested in playing with me. AARON: Lilly, give me the tapes, now. LILLY: Like, what, you don't see yourself enough on film? AARON: I want those tapes, you stupid little bitch. Aaron is now furious and grabs her arm. Lilly breaks free. LILLY: Oh, I'm the stupid one? Well, now you can just watch the tapes on "Access Hollywood" along with the rest of America. Lilly dismisses him and turns her attention to readying herself for sunbathing. Aaron picks up a large, heavy ashtray from the table and swings hard just as Lilly looks up at him. He connects and Lilly, dead, goes flying. Aaron walks over to her, sees what he's done and looks around in a panic. He wipes the ashtray with his dark t-shirt and throws it in the pool. He runs off. Lilly lies there until Duncan comes home. He sees her and races to her. DUNCAN: Lilly! Lilly! Oh my god. Oh my god. No, no, no, Lilly, He reaches her and cradles her body, burying his face into her hair, smearing himself with her blood. DUNCAN: Lilly. Lilly, Lilly, come on. Come on. Lilly, wake up! Lilly, wake up. Wake up. My god, wake up. Lilly, wake up. Celeste and Jake come out of the house at which point Duncan is in shock and rocking with Lilly in his arms. They run to them. Celeste screams. JAKE: Duncan! Duncan, what have you done? What you done? Lilly! Honey, baby. What have you done? What have you done? Jake grabs the front of Duncan's shirt. CELESTE: No! JAKE: What did you do? CELESTE: No! JAKE: Honey, honey� [SCENE_BREAK] Cut back to Duncan and Veronica. DUNCAN: Could he really do it? VERONICA: He's psychotic. I watched him beat a guy into a bloody mess and then ask Logan how his school day was. He beats Logan, you know? Duncan nods. DUNCAN: He's here. Now. He came to meet the governor. Veronica grabs the tapes. VERONICA: I have to get these tapes to my dad. Will you help me? You keep Aaron in your sight at all times until I call you. DUNCAN: Yeah, of course. Veronica reaches the door. Duncan stands and calls after her and she pauses. DUNCAN: Hey! Be careful, okay. Veronica walks a short way back into the room. VERONICA: My dad had a paternity test. [Smiling] I'm not your sister. Duncan does a double take. Veronica gazes at him a moment longer then hurries away. Cut to her heading for her car, speaking on her cell phone. KEITH: [Offscreen] Hi, sweetheart. VERONICA: Dad, it's Aaron Echolls. He did it. Cut to Keith at the apartment. VERONICA: [Offscreen] I have video of Lilly in his bed on the day she died, they were having an affair. KEITH: Where are you? Cut back to Veronica. VERONICA: I'm just leaving the Kanes. Cut back to Keith. KEITH: No, you stay put. I'll be right there. VERONICA: [Offscreen] No Dad, he's here. Cut back to Veronica. VERONICA: He's talking to the governor. Duncan's gonna keep an eye on him, I'll be home in� Cut back to Keith, very concerned. VERONICA: [Offscreen] �ten minutes. KEITH: All right, you come straight home, you don't stop for anything. VERONICA: Okay. Cut back to Veronica as she disconnects the call. She punches in another number, never slowing her pace. Cut to the night skyline with the Coronado Bridge in the foreground. Garbage returns with "Bad Boyfriend". SONG: I�ve got a fever Come check it and see There�s something burning and rolling in me We may not last but we�ll have fun till it ends C�mon baby be my bad boyfriend I wanna hear you call out my name I wanna see you burn up in flames Keep you on ice so I can show all my friends Ah, c�mon baby be my bad boyfriend Logan is teetering on one foot on the edge of the bridge rail. He has his flask sprinkles some of the contents onto the water below, watching with fascination. He ignores the ringing of his cell phone from his car, abandoned behind him on the bridge. His answer machine starts. LOGAN: You've reached Logan and here's today's inspirational message: Adversity is the diamond dust with which Heaven polishes its jewels. Veronica disconnects in frustration. Cut back to Logan. He takes a swig from the flask as motorcycles approach and pull up around his car. He looks over with amused interest as Weevil takes off his helmet. LOGAN: [Laughing and drunk] Seriously, what do you-what do you think you can do to me, huh? WEEVIL: [Not amused] I'll think of something. Logan turns, still balanced on the edge, and takes up a �Matrix� pose, beckoning Weevil to bring it on. Cut to Veronica, driving in her car. Her cell rings. VERONICA: Hey. Cut to Duncan, in a panic. DUNCAN: I can't find him. Cut back to Veronica. VERONICA: Did you ask around? Cut back to Duncan. DUNCAN: I've been asking everyone but no one knows where he is. Cut back to Veronica. VERONICA: Thanks, well�call me if you find him. Cut back to Duncan. DUNCAN: Let me know when you get home, okay? VERONICA: Okay. Cut back to Veronica. VERONICA: Bye. Veronica disconnects and tosses the phone onto the passenger seat. She continues driving down the dark road. She looks in the rear view mirror and as she passes through moonlight, Aaron's face appears in it. She screams and fights to keep control of the wheel. Aaron leans forward from the back seat. AARON: Keep driving. Veronica is terrified, each breath a strangled sob. She goes to grab her bag on the passenger seat but Aaron snatches it away from her. AARON: Nuh, uh, uh, uh. Driving. Aaron rifles through the bag and finds the tapes. AARON: Oh. I've been looking for these. He sits back in his seat. Veronica tugs on her seat belt to lock it, then swerves and crashes into a tree. Both are unconscious. Veronica's phone is ringing. Her eyelids flicker. Cut to Keith who gets Veronica's answer message. VERONICA: [Offscreen] It's Veronica. Leave me a message. Keith worriedly puts down the phone and checks his watch. LIANNE: Is everything okay, Keith? KEITH: Yeah, it's fine. I'll be back soon. He grabs his jacket and leaves. Cut to Veronica regaining consciousness. She jerks her head up from the steering wheel and sees Aaron, throw into the front seat, his head resting on the dashboard. Sobbing, she gingerly reaches into his pockets and retrieves the tapes. Her phone is on the floor under him and she carefully reaches down, underneath his body, to grab it. Aaron coughs and she jumps, pulling her hand back. She gets out of the car and looks around, She sees the lights of a house nearby. She runs towards it. She reaches the front door and knocks frantically. VERONICA: Hello! Hello! Is anyone home? Help me, please! Hello? She turns to run to the side of the house, glancing back at the crashed LeBaron. The passenger door is now wide open and Aaron is gone. With renewed fear, she runs round the side, dropping one of the tapes in an old washing machine and another in a barrel. She gets to the back of the house. VERONICA: Hello? [Crying] Is anyone here? She looks around for something to throw at an upstairs window but settles for the third tape. It lands on the roof of the veranda. She backs up to see it, nearly falling off the decking over a steep drop. She grabs the banister and sees a light come on upstairs. She runs to the sliding glass door of the house, banging on it frantically.. VERONICA: Hello? Let me in! Let me in! Please, open the door. Please, let me in. The curtain is pulled back and a man appears at the door. VERONICA: Please, please let me in! There is a thump and the man seems to disappear, the curtain falling back. The door slides back, the curtains opens and it's Aaron, fist aimed directly at her. All is blackness as Veronica comes to again, sobbing. Aaron's voice crackles out. AARON: [Offscreen] Veronica? You're an odd duck. Hey, how many teenage girls keep walkie-talkies in their car? Aaron's left her with a walkie talkie which when activated, casts a red light. Veronica is entombed in a some kind of container, with little room to move. She tests out her prison. There's no way out. VERONICA: What have you done to me? AARON: [Offscreen] Veronica, dear. Where are my tapes? Cut to Aaron. He is sitting on top of Veronica's prison, a discarded refrigerator. AARON: I'll let you out as soon as I have my tapes back. Cut back to Veronica, still testing the container. VERONICA: No, thanks. Honestly, I feel safer in here. Cut back to Aaron who jumps off the fridge. The back porch is a veritable junkyard. AARON: Well you know, you shouldn't. Aaron finds a can of petrol. Cut to Keith, driving on the dark road, peering left and right. Cut back to Aaron as he pours the petrol all over the fridge and makes a trail along the porch. AARON: You wanna know something about Joan of Arc, Veronica? Huh? God didn't really talk to her. Uh-uh. It's true, I saw it on TV. You know, it was one of those historical forensics programmes. And they decided she had a brain tumour. Burned alive. What a waste. She thought her death meant something. But all it meant was she was crazy. [Whispers evilly] Think about that. Veronica. Where are the tapes? [Screams] Where are the tapes? Cut to Keith getting out of his car. He has found the LeBaron. He looks around. Cut back to Aaron. AARON: [Whispering again] Veronica, where are the tapes, Veronica. [Screams] Where are the tapes? [Screams and kicks the fridge] Where are the tapes? You know, Lilly never told me where the tapes were hidden either. I-I kinda think there's a cautionary tale in that, Veronica. Something like I'm not going to let a seventeen year-old piece of ass [Screams] ruin my life! Veronica sobs. Aaron paces then hears her on the walkie talkie. VERONICA: [Offscreen] They're on the roof, I put 'em on the roof. Please let me out of here. Aaron climbs up to the roof. He finds the tape Veronica threw up there and then hears Keith calling out. KEITH: Veronica! Veronica! Keith appears under Aaron on the porch, gun drawn. VERONICA: [Offscreen] Dad? Keith hears her from the walkie talkie and looks up. Keith sees Aaron on the roof, but it's too late. Aaron leaps from the roof onto Keith, and they tumble into some lawn chairs. Getting up, Keith immediately grabs Aaron in a headlock, but Aaron struggles, propelling them both into a barbecue grill. Inside the refrigerator, Veronica listens to the sounds of the men fighting. Aaron smashes a bulb on Keith's head and breaks free, and now he has the upper hand. He throws any object he can find at Keith, who tries to dodge but ends up taking quite a few hits, including several by a large toy pony. This is just as brutal as Aaron's attack on Trina's abusive boyfriend in 119 "Hot Dogs", but without the ironic musical accompaniment. As Keith is kicked to the ground, Veronica can only listen. But now it's Keith's turn to use an unconventional weapon: a crutch. He whacks Aaron with it before pressing it against his chest and using it to push him into some shelves. Throwing the crutch away, Keith finally uses his hands, and Aaron follows suit. The men grab at each other's faces for a few moments before Aaron punches Keith in the stomach, throws him into the shelves, and then tosses him onto the ground. Veronica gasps, not knowing who's losing the fight now. It looks to be all over for Keith as Aaron raises a piece of wood to deliver the final blow, but Keith quickly grabs a metal rod from the ground and hits him in the part of his anatomy his action figure doesn't have. Aaron falls, as any man would, and Keith punches him in the face to finish him off. Well, one more time won't hurt. Hey, let's go for three. But it's Aaron who has the last laugh. Calmly taking a lighter out of his pocket, he flicks a flame into life and tosses the lighter away. The gasoline lights immediately and Veronica is now trapped inside not just a refrigerator, but a flaming refrigerator ringed with flames on the porch. Keith rises to his elbows AARON: [Laughs] She's in the fridge, Keith. You might want to check up on her. Veronica bangs on the inside of the fridge, crying and choking. Keith races to the fridge but is beaten back by the flame. Aaron scurries away. KEITH: Hang on, honey. Keith holds up his arms to protect himself but his arms and legs are already on fire when he gets to the refrigerator and lifts it to release Veronica. She rolls out, choking and coughing. Keith stumbles back and falls into the flames. Veronica pulls him up and past the ring of fire onto an unaffected part of the porch. He is ablaze and falls again. She looks round frantically and finds a tarpaulin which she uses to beat out the flames. She cries and holds him. VERONICA: I love you. I love you so much. I knew you'd come, I knew you'd save me. Dad. Keith is in bad shape and can only try to breathe. Cut to Aaron, who has made it back down to the road. He finds Veronica's bag still in the LeBaron and grabs keys out of it. He runs to Keith car and gets in the driver's seat. He puts the keys in the ignition but pauses� BACKUP: Grrrr.... Backup is in the back seat, his head coming forward between the bucket seats in the front. He goes for Aaron's right arm. Aaron struggles and finally wrenches himself free, jumping out of the car and slamming the door behind him. The window isn't open wide enough for Backup to pursue, so he barks at Aaron, staggering disoriented in the road. Aaron hears something, looks up and�bang, he's knocked over by a large van bearing the company name Thomas and decorated by a lilly in full bloom. He flies over the side of the truck and is left lying in the road, badly hurt. The driver screeches to a halt and gets out of the van, heading towards him. DRIVER: I'm sorry, man, I didn't see you, you were in the middle of the street. Oh my god, you're Aaron Echolls. AARON: [In a stuttering whisper] Help me. The driver bends down to him. VERONICA: [Offscreen] Don't touch him. The driver looks over his shoulder and sees Veronica, pointing Keith's gun at Aaron. VERONICA: Do you have a cell phone? DRIVER: [Offscreen and awed] Yeah. VERONICA: Call 911. We need an ambulance, the police and the fire department. Cut to an overhead of the scene, later. Ambulances and police vehicles are present. RADIO: Rescue one. Engine five one respond. What's your ETA? Keith is being wheeled past fire engines on a gurney. Veronica is at his head. VERONICA: You mean the world to me, do you understand that? Are you listening to me? KEITH: Hey, who's your daddy, huh? VERONICA: [Half sob, half laugh] I hate it when you say that. Keith groans and smiles. Near one of the ambulances, the man from the house is being treated for the head wound Aaron caused. Aaron himself is still on the ground but he is on a stretcher and hooked up with neck brace and oxygen. A deputy stands over him. DEPUTY: Aaron Echolls, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. As Aaron is read his rights, Jake and Duncan pull up in a Range Rover. Lamb and another deputy watch as he heads towards Aaron. DEPUTY: [To Aaron] If you can't afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights? Duncan makes to run forward with his father but Jake puts out his hand, making it clear that Duncan should stay where he is. Jake races to get to Aaron. JAKE: You killed my daughter. You killed my daughter� A couple of deputies rush to intervene. DEPUTY: Sir! JAKE: �and you're gonna pay for it. I'll watch you frying. I'll destroy your family and everyone you ever loved. You killed my daughter! The deputies have to work hard to force the increasingly agitated Jake back. LAMB: Jake Kane. JAKE: You killed my daughter! I'll watch you fry, Aaron. LAMB: You are under arrest for obstruction of justice. You have the right to remain silent. Jake is taken back, struggling, towards his own car. Veronica watches. JAKE: My daughter, my daughter. My daughter, my daughter. Duncan and Veronica share a long look across the chaos. Cut to the hospital as Veronica sits by Keith's bed. INTERCOM: Harriet Monk, physiotherapy. Dr Harriet Monk, physiotherapy. Veronica is looking pretty beaten up, the bruise of Aaron's punch to her face starting to darken. A doctor enters the room DOCTOR: He'll be fine. VERONICA: When? DOCTOR: Eventually, just be patient. And you need to get some rest. VERONICA: I won't let him wake up and find himself alone. DOCTOR: Is there anyone that we can call? Veronica thinks for a moment then nearly smiles. Cut to her entering the apartment. Lianne, looking at what appears to be an account book in Keith's room, runs into the lounge. LIANNE: Honey? What happened? Are you okay? Where's your father? Lianne goes to touch Veronica's bruise but Veronica pushes her arm away. VERONICA: He's in the hospital. LIANNE: What? VERONICA: He's gonna be okay. LIANNE: What, Veronica, what happened? VERONICA: [Voice wavering but strong] It's over now and I'll tell you the rest in the morning. But first I need you to pack. LIANNE: What? What do you mean? VERONICA: You can't be here when dad comes home. LIANNE: Veronica. VERONICA: [Upset] I know, Mom. I know you're not through drinking, I know you didn't even finish rehab. You checked yourself out and that was my college money. I bet on you, and I lost. I've been doing that my whole life. And I'm through. Veronica walks past Lianne, who spins her round to face her. LIANNE: Veronica...it's not easy. VERONICA: [Equally upset] I know it's not. Veronica removes her mother's arm from her own and turns to go to her bedroom. Cut to Keith waking up at the hospital. A hand is resting gently on his shoulder. KEITH: Hey you. Alicia is in the chair next to his bed and smiles. She leans over close to him. ALICIA: Veronica didn't want you to be alone. Cut to Veronica who lays down on her bed, exhausted. Cut to Lianne, in her coat. She unzips one of the pockets of Keith's briefcase and takes out the cheque for $50,000. She takes and, with her suitcase, leaves the apartment. Veronica sleeps and Cotton Mather's "Lily Dreams On" plays. SONG: Lily I hope you picture me in your dreams Put down your King James Bible, You don't need no kings Close you eyes, baby I'll dry mine Echoes through the phone Far from this, Lily dreams on Think back to fields of Catherine, you used to play I swore I heard you laughing And almost say Veronica dreams. She and Lilly drift on lilos in a pool filled with floating lilies. All is serene and blue green and cream and both wear pink bikinis. VERONICA: Isn't it better, like this? LILLY: So much better. VERONICA: This is how it's supposed to be. LILLY: Totally. VERONICA: This is how it's gonna be. From now on. Right? Lilly? LILLY: [Sighs deeply] You know how things are gonna be now, don't you? You have to know. VERONICA: [Hopeful] Just like this. Just like this. LILLY: Don't forget about me, Veronica. Veronica is alone in the pool. A tear runs down her face. VERONICA: I could never. There's a knock at the door. Veronica wakes and looks at the clock. It shows 3:07. It is not clear whether it is am or pm. She opens the door slowly and smiles fondly. VERONICA: I was hoping it would be you. Fade and end.
Plan: A: Cassidy; Q: Who is Dick's brother? A: Logan's whereabouts; Q: What does Cassidy admit to Veronica? A: Lilly's murder; Q: What event did Cassidy admit Logan was involved in? A: Veronica; Q: Who finds out that her mother left the alcohol rehab program? A: Keith; Q: Who tells Veronica that Logan is her father? A: the DNA test results; Q: What does Keith receive that proves he is Veronica's father? A: the alcohol rehabilitation program; Q: Where did Veronica's mother leave? A: Veronica's settlement check; Q: What did Lianne steal on her way out of town? A: the college funds; Q: What did Veronica spend on Lianne's rehab? Summary: Dick's brother Cassidy admits Logan's whereabouts the day of Lilly's murder to Veronica, and her investigation concludes. Keith receives the DNA test results and tells Veronica that he is definitely her father. Veronica discovers that her mother left the alcohol rehabilitation program and asks her to leave town. Lianne does so, but steals Veronica's settlement check - which would have replaced the college funds she spent on Lianne's rehab - on her way out.
"The Man in the Cell" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Exterior - Day - Jail, smoke streaming out several windows, firefighters and fire trucks outside, sirens wailing. Cut to interior, prisoners yelling, Booth Brennan and Warden walking down corridor towards camera.) BOOTH: Hey, where'd the fire start? WARDEN: Not sure yet. It spread through the ducting though. Brennan yawns. BOOTH: Maybe you'd like something a little bit more exciting, huh? Like Attica. BRENNAN: My neighbors are renovating their apartment and one of the workmen left his radio on. Hip hop is not conducive to sleep. PRISONER: Get me out of here. BRENNAN: Whoa. Are you allowed to put that many men in one cell? BOOTH: Just cut the warden a little slack, okay, Bones? There was a riot. WARDEN: The cell doors open automatically in a fire. The guards had to subdue the inmates so the firefighters could do their jobs. (Prisoner grabs Brennan and pulls her towards the cell. Booth grabs Brennan and pulls her away, between him and the Warden.) BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You stay close, okay? A lot of these animals haven't seen a real woman since Reagan was president. BRENNAN: Okay. WARDEN: (pointing) Body's in here. BOOTH: Okay, you're sure this is Howard Epps? WARDEN: This was his cell. BRENNAN: Why not keep him on death row? WARDEN: We don't have one. He was transferred to Bayview so he'd be closer to the courthouse for his trial. BRENNAN: (Looking at burnt remains) Victim is male, approximately 30 years of age. He matches Epps general size and build. Contortion indicates a . . . (smiling) painful death. BOOTH: Well, after killing four teenage girls that we know about it's just what the doctor ordered. BRENNAN: It seems as if someone threw accelerant on him, lit him on fire. BOOTH: Hey, look. Any idea who'd want him dead? WARDEN: All the inmates hated him. Once the fire started, it was . . . It was chaos. Could've been anyone. BRENNAN: (examining the arm of the charred remains) ... Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: This is the wrist I broke. BOOTH: So? BRENNAN: So this break is fresh. BOOTH: So? Bones, they break in a fire, right? BRENNAN: Yes, but . . . there's no sign of a prior break. This man's wrist was slammed against a hard edge within the last few hours. BOOTH: Whoa, what are you saying? BRENNAN: (Exhales) This is not Howard Epps. WARDEN: That's impossible. BOOTH: Okay, look. All your prisoners, are they accounted for? WARDEN: They are if this is Epps. BOOTH: What about the guards? WARDEN: They've all reported in. BRENNAN: Whoa. BOOTH: What now, whoa? BRENNAN: The dye from the tattoo survived the fire. (Tatoo on the remains reads "D.C.F.D.") D.C. Fire Department. He was a firefighter. BOOTH: So you're saying that the fireman comes in to save Epps, but Epps kills him, takes his uniform, sets him on fire. BRENNAN: And walks right out the front door. (Throwing surgical gloves onto the floor as she stands.) WARDEN: Son of a bitch. BOOTH: Lock this place down now. WARDEN: (Yelling to guards as he turns and walks away) I want this whole block locked down! No on in or out! BOOTH: It's Booth. I need you to close off a 30 mile radius of the Bayview Federal Penitentiary. Howard Epps escaped. (Buzzer sounds. Men Shouting. Cell door closes) ACT I (Interior - Day - Platform at the Jeffersonian. Camera pans from behind Zack, Angela and Hodgins to in front to reveal them standing over the charred remains and examining the "SCIENCE" section of a newspaper with the headline "The Clues Are in the Bones: How Forensic Anthropology is Helping the FBI Solve Crimes.") ZACK: You look short, don't you think? ANGELA: Is that important? HODGINS: You were supposed to say no. ZACK: But you are short. HODGINS: And the article describes you as robotic. ZACK: Yeah, and "wildly intelligent." ANGELA: Did you really call me "the heart of the operation? (Reaching out to hold the newspaper.) HODGINS: Yeah. It was before you called me short. ANGELA: Hey, Zack called you short. I think you're just the right height. HODGINS: Yeah? ANGELA: Short men have better leverage? ZACK: I'm feeling uncomfortable. CAM: (from out of frame) Any answers? (Everyone turns around to look at Cam. Cam sees the newspaper in Angela's hand.) Hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame people, (Cam takes the newspaper from Angela )'cause we have a psycho on the loose, so it's back to work. (Looking at the newspaper.) I photograph well. (Folds the newspaper in half and hands it back to Angela.) Okay. So what have we got? HODGINS: The accelerant was distilled alcohol. ZACK: Fractures are consistent with Dr. Brennan's theory. The victim's wrist was broken to match Epps's injury. A blow to the head rendered him unconscious. He was then set on fire. ANGELA: If there was ever anyone who should be in Gitmo . . . CAM: I agree. But, he's not. He's out and that means more victims unless we stop him first, which we will do. Or, there'll be another article written about us that won't be so kind. Where's Dr. Brennan? (Backing out of the room) ANGELA: She and Booth are talking to Epps's wife. CAM: Turning and walking away. I.D. the remains. (Interior - Day - Booth's Office. Cut to picture of a woman in a white dress with Epps. The woman sets the picture down on Booth's desk. She's sitting down in front of the desk and Booth is perched on the left side. Brennan sits in a chair to the left.) CAROLINE EPPS: I'm no longer involved in Howard's life. BOOTH: It's hard to believe, being his wife and all. CAROLINE EPPS: Ex-wife. The judge signed my divorce papers last month. BOOTH: Why didn't it work out, exactly? Was it a lack of quality time or all the women he bludgeoned to death? CAROLINE EPPS: I thought I could help Howard, but he used me. I haven't had any contact with him in over six months. BOOTH: I'd like to place you in protective custody until we find him. CAROLINE EPPS: That won't be necessary. BRENNAN: Mrs. Epps, the women in Howard's life don't tend to live very long. CAROLINE EPPS: I appreciate your concern Dr. Brennan, but I've changed job, apartments. BOOTH: WE found you. Hey, Howard could too. CAROLINE EPPS: I have a new life and a new boyfriend. Raymond's a good man. If he found out . . . BRENNAN: We all have secrets in our past, Mrs. Epps. Admittedly, not as bizarre as yours, but you shouldn't risk your life just because your embarrassed to tell your boyfriend the truth. CAROLINE EPPS: Howard's interest is in young blonde girls. I'm not even his type. Gets up and walks to the door. BOOTH: If he contacts you . . . CAROLINE EPPS: (Turns back to look at Booth) I'll call. (Exits.) BRENNAN: What-- You can't let her go! She's not safe! BOOTH: Well, I can't force her to take protection, alright? I'll have the local police drive her house every couple of hours and make sure she's safe. And you know what? You're not safe either. BRENNAN: But I'm not unhinged. I can take care of myself. BOOTH: You and Epps-- Okay, it's personal. You're everything that he hates. BRENNAN: And what is that exactly? BOOTH: Well, you know, you're a smart, strong, confident woman. (Brennan smiles.) And, uh, figured him out. You made him feel powerless so he's gonna want to, uh, prove that, uh, you're weak and inferior. So, you are not to gout on your own, ever. (Interior - Day - Autopsy Room Jeffersonian. Cam is walking to door when Booth walks in.) BOOTH: Hi. CAM: Hey, did the wife you anything? BOOTH: Oh, chills. Look, I need you to double security here at the lab. CAM: You think Epps is gonna come after Brennan? BOOTH: I can't rule anything out when it comes to Epps. CAM: I'll take care of it. BOOTH: Look, I-I don't want you to be alone either. CAM: Are you inviting me over? BOOTH: I'm just thinking that everyone should just stay here at the lab. CAM: Leave it to a serial killer to spoil the mood. BOOTH: Whatever security you think is enough, you double it, Camille. (Walking toward her and leaning in. She gazes into his eyes. Booth smiles. She kisses him.) CAM: I'm glad you're on my side, Seeley. ( Booth smiles again, leans in, resting his forehead on Cam's. She smiles as he turns and leaves. Booth looks back at Cam when he gets to the door.) (Interior - Day - Brennan's office. Angela holds up a picture of a man in uniform, handing it to Brennan. Brennan is standing in front of a board with a map with lines drawn on it linked to pictures of remains and pictures of victims.) ANGELA: The burn victim is Donald Kent, a decorated firefighter. BRENNAN: Epps would appreciate the irony. ANGELA: You know Kent was still alive when he was set on fire? How many victims does that make? BRENNAN: Seven that we know of. ANGELA: And they aren't just young blonde women anymore. (Brennan sis in her chair.) BRENNAN: No, they aren't. (Brennan looks over her shoulder at the board behind her.) ANGELA: He's such a monster. He's killed from behind bars and new victims keep turning up and now he's out. BRENNAN: We will find him, Ange. We're ready this time. ANGELA: I'm not. Look, I have some sick days coming. And I was thinking that since Epps makes me sick, that-- BRENNAN: We need you, Ange. Hodgins certainly does. ANGELA: That was low. BRENNAN: I know. Did it work? (Angela smiles.) ANGELA: How do you deal with the fear? BRENNAN: (Reaching down to grab her purse, getting up and setting the purse on the desk.) I . . . have this. (Reaching into her purse. She pulls out a very large, very shiny gun. She flips it open and closed, smiling.) ANGELA: Oh, my God. That-- (standing) That thing is huge. Whoa, wow. That's like, movie huge. BOOTH: (Walking in the door.) Where the hell did you get that? BRENNAN: The mall. BOOTH: The mall? BRENNAN: Yeah, it's pretty big, right? Bigger than the one you have. BOOTH: Excuse me. It's not the size that matters. It's how you use it. BRENNAN: Well, I think size is pretty important. BOOTH: The point is that you shouldn't have a gun in the first place! ANGELA: If you do have one, bigger is always better. BOOTH: You're not helping! ANGELA: Right, yeah. This does seem like a private conversation. Angela leaves. BOOTH: Yeah, private. Okay. You know, people see you with that, the next thing you know everyone in this place is gonna start packing. BRENNAN: This is America. Get used to it. A phone rings. Brennan sits, answering it. Brennan. EPPS: (Standing outside in daylight.) I'd forgotten how nice it was to breathe fresh air. BRENNAN: (Mouthing "Epps" to Booth who points to his phone and steps out of the office to make call.) We will find you, Howard. EPPS: We'll see. I can't tell you how nice it is to be out of that stupid orange jumpsuit. I mean, I have an I.Q. of 180, for God's sake, and they had me dressed like a pumpkin. BRENNAN: You burned a man alive. EPPS: Means to an end. Everything is a means to an end, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: I thought it was just women you were after. EPPS: I felt the need to grow as a human being. BRENNAN: What is it you want? (Booth snaps at Brennan and signals for her to keep the call going.) You must want something or you wouldn't be calling. EPPS: Yes. I want you to know that everything that happens from here on in is your fault. BRENNAN: (Brennan looks surprised.) Wh-what's going to happen, Howard? EPPS: I can't answer all your questions. Use your head, Dr. Brennan. Use your head. (Epps drops the receiver and walks away. Brennan hangs up the phone. Booth walks back into the office looking at his notepad.) BOOTH: Okay, we got it. He's in a pay phone on Water Street and 23rd. (Exterior - Day - Phone booth, receiver dangling where Epps was standing in the previous scene. Rapid beeping of phone of the hook, and siren wailing as Booth's SUV and cop car both pull up in front of the pay phone. Booth and Brennan exit the SUV and head toward the phone.) BOOTH: Bus stop. Three different lines, they run through here. (To cop.) Want you to check every bus stop. See any witnesses, you bring them to me. BRENNAN: (Examining the phone) Booth, Epps left us something. (Takes a surgical glove out of her purse and uses it to pick up a glass jar with something white inside.) BOOTH: What is that? (Brennan shakes her head no.) (Interior - Day - Zack's office at the Jeffersonian. Zack and Brennan are looking at a computer screen. Hodgins walks from the back of the room to the desk in front.) BRENNAN: It's bone. ZACK: Shaved down by a rough sandpaper. Hodgins found mica grit. HODGINS: Tell you this: If Epps comes near Angela, I'll kill him. ZACK: What about the rest of us? (Zack moves the specimen to the microscope next to Hodgins, Brennan follows.) BRENNAN: Everyone will be fine. Cam increased security. HODGINS: (Adding solution to a specimen.) And you have the big gun. (Laughing.) Hey, tough to keep that one a secret. Beautiful woman with a weapon? Very Guns & Ammo summer issue. (Replacing the implement and looking at Brennan. She glares at him.) I'm gonna concentrate on my work now. ZACK: Hey, osteon count places the victim's age as mid-30's. I'll run amelogenin and a nuclear DNA test to get s*x and race. HODGINS: (Looking at screen next to him) I got the chemical breakdown. (Hodgins stands, Brennan and Zack move to look at the screen.) Powders in the bone are organic. It's a mixture of cardamom, tamarind and kokum. ZACK: Spices? HODGINS: Yeah. The bone wasn't cooked. Why would he add spices to it? BRENNAN: Epps likes puzzles. The spices are a message. A woman screams. HODGINS: (Everyone runs out of the room.) ANGELA! (Interior - Day - Angela's office at the Jeffersonian. Angela is standing in front of her desk, staring aghast at a cardboard box on top, hand over her heart.) ANGELA: Oh, my God. (Hodgins, Brennan, Zack and Cam run in.) HODGINS: What happened? (Angela points at the box. Brennan looks in, Cam and Zack standing around the desk.) BRENNAN: A heart. CAM: Definitely human. Adult. DNA can give us s*x. ZACK: He's killed two people today! CAM: That's if this heart's from the same victim as the bone dust. (Brennan puts on a surgical glove and reaches into the box.) What? What is it? (Brennan unfolds a piece of blood-soaked paper. ) BRENNAN: It's the DC Sentinel article about the lab. Every lines is blacked out except one. "Dr. Hodgins called Angela 'the heart of the operation.'" HODGINS: Son of a bitch. You don't have to stay inhere, Angela. ANGELA: How did this even get in here?! I thought that there was security! CAM: So did I. I-I'll take care of it. (Angela and Hodgins exit.) BRENNAN: He's coming after me through my friends. CAM: What? BRENNAN: He told me whatever happened would be my fault. CAM: (Cam nods.) Then we'll make sure nothing else happens. (Interior - Day - Autopsy room at the Jeffersonian. Close-up of the heart in the box melds into an image of the heart on the screen over the autopsy table. Cam is standing on the left of the table, Brennan on the right.) CAM: There are cut marks on both sides of the inferior vena cava and connecting arteries. The heart was cut out using shears or scissors. (Booth walks in.) BOOTH: Package was delivered by a bike messenger. He said a man matching Howard Epp's description approached him on L Street. Paid cash. BRENNAN: He's just playing with us. BOOTH: Not for long. (Hodgins walks in.) BRENNAN: How's Angela? HODGINS: Angry. She insisted on helping me, which worked out well. She realized that the present Epps gave us was a recipe. BOOTH: Wait, the heart? HODGINS: No, the ingredients in the vial. After he ground up the bone, Epps mixed it with spices: the cardamom, tamarind and kokum - which are all used in making curries. BRENNAN: Indian food. BOOTH: Epp's wife. The last address we had for her was in Little India over a curry restaurant. (Pushing Brennan out of the room.) Come on! (Interior - Day - Mrs. Epps's apartment building. Booth and Brennan walk towards her open door. Booth puts out his arm to keep Brennan behind him, opening the door with his other hand. Brennan pulls out her big guns, checks the barrel, and clicks it closed.) BOOTH: You know, I could have the Bureau pull your license. BRENNAN: Yeah, and I could assign Zack as your forensic anthropologist. (The both enter guns at the ready walking cautiously through the apartment..) BOOTH: Place hasn't been rented since she moved. BRENNAN: You know, it's just not logical. Playing games with us? It's just gonna lead us right to him. (Brennan flips the light switch on and off but nothing happens. Booth turns to the ktchen and looks at the refrigerator which can be heard running.) Wait. If the lights are off, then why is the refrigerator working? (Booth moves toward the refrigerator.) BOOTH: Wai- just stand back. (Brennan, still holding her gun up, looks into the other room. Booth examines the refrigerator.) Well, it's not booby-trapped. (He opens the door. Mrs. Epps severed head, blood is sitting on the top shelf.) Act II (Interior - Day - Autopsy room at the Jeffersonian. Dr. Brennan holding the head and Cam looking on. Booth standing at the other end of the room.) BRENNAN: The neck was severed just above the shoulders. The jagged marks on the bone indicate that Epps used some kind of saw to decapitate her. CAM: No sign of blunt force trauma to the skull - Epps usual M.O. No clear cause of death. BRENNAN: Without the rest of her body we can't know for sure how she died. CAM: I'm seeing some kind of white powder in her hair. Hodgins can tell us what it is. Why just leave her head? BOOTH: To get us all involved. I mean, the less we have to work with, the- the more we're all drawn in. BRENNAN: Epps told me to use my head. BOOTH: Everything he says is a clue. Could it be inside the head? CAM: It's too early to tell. BOOTH: What do you mean, too early? Okay? All we do is just cut open the damn head and find out what's inside. BRENNAN: But there are protocols, Booth! BOOTH: Yeah, and I'm sure Epps is really concerned about the protocols. CAM: This is my autopsy. We're gonna do it by the book. That means surface exam followed by x-rays after which I will open the skull. BOOTH: Sorry. I'm just a little anxious to get the little gerbil back in his cage. That's all. CAM: (Looking from the neck to the screen above the exam table which shows an enlarged view of the neck.) Okay. That's terrifically disturbing. BOOTH: What? CAM: Massive blood aspiration to the soft tissue of the neck. (Brennan exhales loudly.) BOOTH: Meaning? CAM: Caroline Epps was alive when Howard cut her head off. BRENNAN: Now he's torturing his victims. BOOTH: So let's torture him. BRENNAN: How? BOOTH: Bring his mother in. CAM: I thought Epps hated his mother. BOOTH: His FBI profiler believes he was emotionally attached to her. His prison logs show that he wrote to her almost every day. CAM: Well that's sick. BOOTH: But helpful. I mean, if he feels responsible for his mother being in jail we can knock him off his game. (Interior - Day - Interrogation Room. A large woman in a colorful print dress with glasses on a cord sits at the table. Booth and Brennan enter.) BOOTH: (Whispering.) What's that smell? BRENNAN: It's mold. It grows in the fat creases of morbidly obese people. MRS. EPPS: What is this about? Did you bring me here to make fun of me? BRENNAN: I merely stated a fact, Mrs. Epps. You need to lose weight. Obesity also causes diabetes, heart damage, liver failure. Not to mention the wear it puts on your joints. MRS. EPPS: I have a glandular condition. A little compassion and understanding, that's what I really need. To Booth. Why am I here? BOOTH: We, uh - we found some drugs at your place. (Pulls a pill box, plastic with slots for each day of the week, from a plastic evidence bag.) MRS. EPPS: Those are my pills. My doctor gave them to me. I need my medicine. BOOTH: Well, you know, they're not, uh, properly labeled. This could take us a few days to sort this out with your doctor. BRENNAN: We're looking for Howard, Mrs. Epps. MRS. EPPS: Howard's in jail. I haven't seen him or talked to him in years. BOOTH: Howard, uh, escaped yesterday. MRS. EPPS: Oh, dear Lord. I tried to raise a good son. Tried to keep him pure like the good book says. I-I don't know what happened. He was such a sweet child. BOOTH: Howard- He wrote to you all the time. MRS. EPPS: He wants me to understand, wants me to forgive him. Says he's still my little boy. (Inhales loudly.) But I don't answer. BRENNAN: You're son murdered his wife yesterday, beheaded her. MRS. EPPS: (Shaking her head now) And you want to blame me? BRENNAN: You made your son bathe in ammonia. MRS. EPPS: The women he would go out with, they were loose. Not the right kind for a God-fearing son! Wanted him to wash their scent off. BOOTH: Is there anything else that you can tell us that might help us find your son before he kills again? MRS. EPPS: It's not my fault what he did. BOOTH: Yeah. Okay. Um, that's all for now. We'll have an agent escort you back to your cell. Um, of course you have the right to an attorney. (Booth and Brennan stand up to leave.) MRS. EPPS: I should've been harder on him, beat him more regular. I'm a nice person. Too nice. That was my problem. Too nice. (Exterior - Day - Booth's SUV. Booth driving and Brennan in the passenger seat.) BRENNAN: Marian Epps is clearly a bad mother. BOOTH: (Chuckles.) You think? BRENNAN: But a lot of people have bad mothers and they don't up to be serial killers which is why I don't put much stock in psychology. BOOTH: Listen, Bones, I don't care how you explain it, alright? The guy, he's an animal. He's got no conscience. BRENNAN: I don't know how one draws moral distinctions between killers. BOOTH: Listen, Bones, alright, there are crimes of passion, alright, crimes committed out of desperation, which are usually followed by remorse or acknowledgment of human failing. The key word here is "human." BRENNAN: The reasons for killing someone are unimportant. It- The life that's taken is all that matters. BOOTH: Listen, you can't blame yourself here. BRENNAN: It's me he's after. Angela and everyone else, they shouldn't be involved. BOOTH: Alright. Look. It's not your fault, alright? It's all Epps, which is why I'm gonna take this little b*st*rd down. BRENNAN: Booth. (Looking in rear view mirror at a car behind them.) Booth, we're being followed. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. That's right. (Chuckles.) Two agents, all the time, at a very discreet distance. See, I don't care how big your gun is. Alright? (Clears Throat. Cell phone rings.) BOOTH: What's this? Booth. CAM: Something was inserted in Caroline's ear. Epps made an incision in Caroline's left ear canal, inserted a token for a kid's ride from a place called Hillside Park. BOOTH: Oh, God. My son plays there every day after school. Booth hit's the siren and does a u-turn. (Exterior - Day - Hillside Park. A man is handing a girl a token in front of a merry-go-round.) MAN: Here you go. (Booth and Brennan run around the path toward the merry-go round.) BOOTH: Parker comes here every day at 4 with his nanny. (Sees the nanny, grabs her elbow.) Rose! Rose, where's Parker? ROSE: On the merry-go-round. He was just there! (Booth jumps onto the merry-go-round, Brennan runs around the other side.) BOOTH: Parker! Parker! BRENNAN: Parker! BOOTH: (Running between the rows of horses.) Parker! Parker! BRENNAN: Parker! Parker! ROSE: Parker! BRENNAN: Parker? ROSE: Parker! BOOTH: (Freaking out.) Parker. Parker! BRENNAN: (Looking away, sees Parker at the ice-cream vendor.) Booth. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Over there. BOOTH: Parker. Parker! Parker! PARKER: (Running towards Booth, carrying an ice cream cone.) Daddy! BOOTH: Hey. (Picks him up, hugging him tightly, hand behind his head.) Oh, God. Alright. PARKER: Look. A man bought me ice cream. BOOTH: Alright. Alright. (Throws down the ice cream.) PARKER: That was my favorite. BOOTH: I'll buy you another one, okay? Just listen to me. What did this man look like? PARKER: A man. He said he was your friend. BOOTH: What did he say to you? Did he say anything else to you, Parker? PARKER: To use my napkin. BRENNAN: (Picking up napkin.) Booth. (Takes napkin from Brennan, reading it aloud,) "My name is Parker. Ask me how I can solve this case." To Parker. Alright. What else did he tell you? PARKER: Nothing. He was just nice. BOOTH: Okay. Just listen to me, Parker. Alright? This man is trying to hurt Daddy's friends, okay? So I need you to think. What else did he say to you? PARKER: I didn't do anything wrong. He said he was your friend. BOOTH: You never talk to strangers, okay?! You never! (Parker beings to cry. Booth hugs him.) I'm sorry, buddy. It's okay. Alright? I'm sorry. ROSE: What's going on, Mr. Booth? BOOTH: There's just an investigation going on, okay, Rose? (Pulls Parker away and looks at him.) I'm gonna have these agents take you and Parker home and keep you safe. Alright? (Pulls Parker into another hug.) I'm sorry. It's okay. (Interior - Day - Autopsy room at the Jeffersonian. Pan up from Mrs. Epps head in a jar to Cam examining the head with an implement and the examination viewable in a screen behind Cam's left shoulder. Zack walks in.) CAM: No. ZACK: I didn't say anything. CAM: You've been in her every 10 minutes since they left. I will let you know when I'm finished. ZACK: I could take the head and x-ray it. Then you could finish what you're . . . CAM: No. We have these protocols for a reason. A telephone rings. Saroyan. BOOTH: (Calling from his SUV, Brennan in the passenger seat.) Have you opened the head yet? CAM: I just finished telling Zack . . . BOOTH: Listen, Epps just went after my kid, Cam. CAM: Parker. BOOTH: You know there's something there. He told us. It's something we need. He wants us to find it. CAM: You're upset. BOOTH: Of course I'm upset! Listen, I know there are protocols, but he could've killed my son. (Booth hangs up.) CAM: (Cam hangs up the phone. To Zack.) Get me the number two saw. (Cut to bone saw whirring, Cam with safety goggles on preparing to saw the head.) I found some bruising to the back of her head. I'm gonna cut below it so I don't disturb the area. ZACK: I hate this part. CAM: Me too. (Begins to saw half way between the eyebrows and hairline. Suddenly, a white powder sprays out of the head. Cam begins coughing and wheezing.) ZACK: Dr. Saroyan. CAM: Protocol. ZACK: Biological containment. (Alarms blaring. Jack and Angela put masks on and run from their offices. Cam collapses on the floor, eyes rolled back in her head and frothing at the mouth.) Uh-unknown hazardous material. We need an emergency medical team at the autopsy lab ASAP. ANGELA: What happened? HODGINS: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know! ANGELA: Oh, my God. Cam. ZACK: Dr. Saroyan, they're on their way. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT III (Interior - Day - Hospital Room. Cam is lying on the bed, eyes closed, a nurse attending to her. Brennan, Booth and a Doctor stand outside looking in.) DOCTOR: Here heart rate is erratic. There's clotting in the kidneys. BOOTH: How bad is that? DOCTOR: Bad enough. But what worries us more is the lung damage. The toxin has caused edema. BOOTH: What does that mean? I don't know what that means. BRENNAN: Fluid buildup. Essentially, she's drowning. I'm sorry. DOCTOR: If she has family nearby, you'll want to send for them. BOOTH: Yeah. Cam's got a lot of family. (Booth walks away.) BRENNAN: How much time does she have? DOCTOR: Send for her family. (Doctor exits. Brennan moves over next to Booth. Hodgins walks in.) HODGINS: Zack saw everything. BRENNAN: How close was he? HODGINS: A few feet. BRENNAN: And he's fine. So it's probably not a toxic gas. HODGINS: Zack says it was some kind of powder. Which means there could be traces on her clothing. BOOTH: Just work fast, okay, Hodgins? Just work fast. (Hodgins exits.) BRENNAN: Considering the relationship between you and Cam, I'd like to say the right thing, Booth . . . I don't know what it is. Usually I'd-I'd ask you or Angela. BOOTH: You just said it. Thanks. (Interior - Day - Hodgins desk at the Jeffersonian. Glare from the light behind booth bridges to the overhead lamp above the desk. Hodgins is sitting at the desk, Zack has his back to him.) HODGINS: Can't find any traces of powder on Cam's clothing. ZACK: Did you search elect statically? HODGINS: Yes. You're sure it was a powder. ZACK: Yes. HODGINS: It had to be a gas. ZACK: If it were a gas, I'd be in the hospital with Cam. (Hodgins hands are in gloves in a plastic box. He's running an implement over the clothing.) HODGINS: No particles on her clothing. Zack, it had to be a gas. ZACK: It wasn't. Are we having an argument? HODGINS: Of course. ZACK: Why? HODGINS: Because Cam's dying, and I should be with Angela. And because there are no particles. ZACK: On the clothing? HODGINS: That's right. ZACK: What about the glass parts still left in the head? (Hodgins whips around to look at Zack.) HODGINS: I'm not angry at you anymore. (Hodgins pats Zack on the shoulder as he runs by.) (Interior - Day - Hospital room. Cam is lying in bed, eyes closed. Booth is sitting to the left of her bed, head down. Cam's eyes open.) BOOTH: Hey! (Cam wheezing.) Welcome back. CAM: Why can't I breathe? BOOTH: Your saw, it um, it hit some kind of poison, but, uh, you're gonna be alright. CAM: Zack? BOOTH: He's fine. Okay? Everyone- everyone's good. (Cam nods.) I'm- I'm . . . I'm so sorry, you know, that I put so much pressure on you to hurry. I didn't, uh- CAM: (Wheezing) Not your fault. Epps did this to me. BOOTH: (Sniffles) Hey. Your family's coming. CAM: Oh, God. (Coughing.) And I thought poison . . . was my biggest problem. (Booth chuckles and sniffles. Cam chuckles.) (Interior - Day - Brennan's office. Brennan at her desk and Angela in the doorway.) ANGELA: You look exhausted. BRENNAN: (Exhales.) What have you got? (Angela leans in and types on Brennan's computer.) ANGELA: Okay. This is an x-ray of Caroline's head. These are shards of glass, very fragile. BRENNAN: What was it? ANGELA: I think it was a glass capsule filled with a poisonous powder. Epps inserted it after she was dead. Probably up the nose. BRENNAN: And when the saw blade hit it, it exploded. ANGELA: Hodgins has some of the shards now. He'll figure out what the poison is. BRENNAN: If I were Epps, I would've made it something that changes composition after prolonged exposure to air. ANGELA: Let's hope he's not as smart as you. I'm gonna go sit with Cam for awhile. (Angela exits. Brennan turns to face the wall with the case info. A telephone rings.) BRENNAN: Brennan. EPPS: So who'd I get? BRENNAN: (mouths "Epps," pointing to the phone to signal to the agent outside her office. The agent exits.) If you're talking about the bulb in Caroline's head, we removed it. How'd you get it in there without breaking it? EPPS: I saw the emergency vehicles. I know I got someone. They might not be dead yet, but they will be soon. BRENNAN: Sorry. You missed this time. EPPS: If you don't admit to who it was, then I can't give you the hint to save their life. Okay, then. It was nice talking to you. BRENNAN: Wait! Wait! EPPS: Yes, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Dr. Saroyan. EPPS: She tried to remove the bulb with forceps. But it was too fragile. It snapped. BRENNAN: Yes, that's exactly what happened. Now will you tell me the poison? EPPS: The body knows what the head can't say. BRENNAN: Caroline's body or your mother's body? EPPS: My mother? BRENNAN: Yes. We have her in custody. Didn't you know? EPPS: On what charges? BRENNAN: What poison, Howard? EPPS: (pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair) You had no right. My mother's not part of this. BRENNAN: You tell me about the poison and I will tell you about your mother. EPPS: (placing the phone to his forehead and then away from him. Talking into it sideways.) You don't run the game. I run the game. You're gonna be sorry. (Hangs up. Agent re-enters.) AGENT: Cell phone downtown. There's a team on its way. BRENNAN: He's already gone. (Interior - Day - Cam is in her bed, intubated, eyes closed. Booth is sitting in a chair to the left of the bed looking anxious. Brennan walks in with an agent behind her.) BOOTH: (Seeing Brennan and standing.) Hey, Hodgins find the poison? BRENNAN: Not yet. (Walking toward the bed.) How's Cam? BOOTH: It's worse. She can't breathe on her own. They- Uh- Bones, I really need you to find out what she inhaled. BRENNAN: Epps called and left me a clue. BOOTH: What is it? BRENNAN: He said, "the body knows what the head can't say." BOOTH: Caroline's body. BRENNAN: I think so, yes. You were right. He was pretty upset when he found out that we had his mother. BOOTH: (Chuckling) You told him? That's good. Make the b*st*rd sweat. BRENNAN: He said we'd be sorry. (Turning to leave.) I'll call you as soon as we have something to g on. BOOTH: Bones, I'm coming with you, alright? Hold on, alright? This is gonna take all of us. (Booth kisses Cam on the forehead and brushes the hair back from her face.) Okay, I'll drive. (Interior - Day - Zack's office. Jack has his hands in the plastic box collecting samples from Caroline's head. Zack is looking at the display screen behind Hodgins.) HODGINS: If I put too small a sample into the photoelectric aerosol sensor then I'll both lose the sample and not get an accurate response. ZACK: I estimate that there's about 1/10,000th of a gram on this shard. HODGINS: (Exhales) We're not getting enough. Not to mention the particles themselves are extremely small, about 1.6 micrometers in diameter. (Booth enters.) BOOTH: Hey. What's the poison? HODGINS: I don't know yet. BOOTH: Well, what-what do you know? HODGINS: It's none of the common poisons: arsenic, cyanide, mercuric chloride. BOOTH: Let's start by telling the hospital what it isn't then, okay? What was in Caroline Epps's hair? HODGINS: The white powder? It was just common plaster dust. ZACK: There was also a very small amount of sodium hydrosulfide in her ear. BOOTH: Great. Put those two things together, what do we have? HODGINS: Drywalling and . . . ZACK: (stammering) Uh, leather goods. BOOTH: Great! I'll look through the evidence and see if I can find those two things. Turning to leave. HODGINS: Booth. (Booth turns back to Hodgins.) BOOTH: What? HODGINS: I'm sorry man. Without more material, it's just . . . BOOTH: You're both doing a great job. Now it's up to me to find Caroline Epps's body. (Turning to leave and getting to the door.) ZACK: Booth? BOOTH: (Turning back around irritably.) What? ZACK: We've endowed Epps with intelligence he does not have. His clues are unsophisticated word games. BOOTH: Yeah? ZACK: Uh, "my name is Parker. Ask me how I can solve this case." BOOTH: I already asked Parker. He doesn't know anything. ZACK: It doesn't have to be your son. It can be something else named Parker. Something to do with leather goods or drywall. Do a Boolean search. (Booth shakes his head angrily, moving toward Zack.) Okay, right. You don't know what that is. Boolean is . . . (Booth moves toward Zack threateningly, Zack backs into a seat.) I won't explain. I'll just do it. BOOTH: I am walking out of here. You try and stop me again, I will shoot both of you. (Booth exits.) ZACK: (Pulls a map up on the screen and whimpers.) Mmmm... Ummm... (Turns to face Hodgins.) HODGINS: What? ZACK: I really need him to come back. HODGINS: (yelling) BOOTH! (to Zack.) Whatever you got better be worth dying for. (Booth enters menacingly, placing a hand near his gun.) ZACK: Uh, there's a Parker & Parker Leather Goods owned by the Parker brothers on Parker Street in the town of Parker just outside of Arlington. That's a lot of Parkers. BOOTH: Yeah, okay. Let's go. (Pulling Zack up out of the chair by the tie and guiding him out of the office.) Grab your boos and let's get going. Come on. (Exterior - Night - Parker & Parker Leather Goods.) (Interior - Night - Parker & Parker Leather Goods. The swat team opens the door. Booth is behind them.) MAN: Alright. Let's fan out. Moving into the next room. Clear! MAN #2: Go, Sean. (Brennan and Zack appear behind Booth.) MAN #3: Check that door. Check that door. (Caroline's headless corpse is on a table in the center of the room.) MAN #4: We're clear. BOOTH: Okay. Uh- (putting his arm out to prevent Brennan from approaching the body.) Come on. Knowing Epps, how do we even know that's Caroline's body there. BRENNAN: If it isn't, it'll still be a clue. BOOTH: Okay, let me do this, alright? (Moving to examine the table.) Alright. No, uh- (Into a receiver on his jacket.) Jam all the frequencies. (To Brennan ) If he's got a remote detonator, it ain't gonna work now. No sign of trip wires. BRENNAN: There it is. On her stomach, the poison, just like Epps said. ZACK: (Moving toward the table) I'll just . . . BOOTH: No, Zack, no! (A switch clicks and something beeps.) Don't hesitate! Put your palm on the stomach and press down. (A switch clicks.) BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: That was a pressure trigger. (Zack hands the bag to Brennan.) Body's booby trapped. Everybody out! MAN: Roger that! Let's go! (The swat team exits.) Go! Go! Go! Go! ZACK: What do I do? BOOTH: Don't be scared. ZACK: I'm not scared. I just need to know what to do. BOOTH: (Pushing Brennan out of the room.) Out. Out. BRENNA: I want to help! BOOTH: Out! Now. (Booth tilts a wooden dining table in the corner over onto it's side. Booth exhales loudly.) Zack, uh . . . This, uh . . . (Coming up behind Zack and placing his hand on Zack's.) This is gonna hurt? ZACK: You or me? BOOTH: Mostly you. Okay. On three, I want you to jump back as high as you can. ZACK: I'm not a good jumper. BOOTH: Be a good counter. ZACK: I-I am a good counter. BOOTH: Right. ZACK: On three. BOOTH: Okay. BOOTH & ZACK: One, two, three! (They jump backwards. From the exterior we see fire erupt from the front windows of the store, blowing out the glass.) ACT VI (Interior - Night - Dr. Brennan's Office at the Jeffersonian. A television report of Channel 2 WPKV News (J.C. Natt Reporter) is playing. A female reporter is standing in front of a firetruck and the debris strewn front of Parker & Parker Leather Goods.) FEMALE REPORTER: The explosion occurred as FBI agents searched the shop for escaped serial killer Howard Epps. At least one person was killed in the blast. Dr. Zack Addy, a forensic anthropologist who was working with the FBI, died at the scene. Special Agent Seeley Booth remains in critical condition. (Booth is sitting on the couch watching the TV. He has Bruises on his face.) BOOTH: Chuckles. Okay, that's creepy. Zack dead and me in critical condition, right? (Zack is sitting next to him. He has cuts on his face and he is holding his right arm. Brennan is sitting on the arm of the couch next to Zack.) ZACK: But why? It's not true. (Brennan turns of the TV with the remote.) BRENNAN: (To Zack.) You gonna be alright? ZACK: (Shakes his head yes.) My doctor said most of my injuries didn't come from the explosion but from being slammed into the floor. (To Booth.) Apparently, you're extremely strong. BRENNAN: (To Booth.) Did you have to be so rough on him? BOOTH: It was a bomb. I was being, you know, heroic. ZACK: (To Brennan.) I was heroic too. BRENNAN: Yes, you were. BOOTH: Somebody saved somebody. That's all I'm saying. ZACK: Well, I got the poison. BRENNAN: Which is good because Caroline's body was blown to pieces. BOOTH: That was good thinking, you know, you keeping your wits. But I mean, what I did was, uh . . . (Looking at Brennan and Zack's incredulous looks.) I guess if you have to explain to yourself why you're a hero, I guess you're not really a hero. (Interior - Night - Zack's office at the Jeffersonian. Hodgins is alone, looking at computer.) HODGINS: What the hell are you? You're not a bacterial protein or a non-opioid analgesic. You're not a neurotoxin or a heavy metal. (Angela enters.) You act like chloromethane, but Zack said that there was no sweet smell when the powder was released. ANGELA: Are you talking to the evidence? HODGINS: Just . . . working through this as systematically as possible. ANGELA: You know, when this whole thing is over, I am moving to a doorman building, I'm getting an unlisted number and I am hiring a full-time bodyguard named Knuckles. HODGINS: Don't get paranoid. ANGELA: That's funny coming from a conspiracy theorist. Computer beeping HODGINS: Of course! Methyl bromide. Exiting I'll call the hospital. (Interior - Night - Dr. Brennan's office at the Jeffersonian. Booth is standing, Zack and Brennan are on the couch. Hodgins enters.) HODGINS: Methyl bromide mixed with plaster dust. That's what made it so hard to isolate. BOOTH: What's the treatment? HODGINS: Racemic epinephrine. I called the hospital, they're starting an I.V. BRENNAN: Shouldn't you be there for that? HODGINS: Hey, priorities in life, man. One, be there when someone you love comes back from the brink of death. Two, catch the serial killer. Everything after that is basically unimportant. BOOTH: I'm gonna go see Cam at the hospital. (To Brennan) and you are gonna go home and get some sleep? ZACK: Why can't I go home? BOOTH: Didn't you just hear what they said on the news? You're dead. BRENNAN: What about Epps? BOOTH: I got an entire surveillance team outside your home, watching you. Why does everybody question me, right? I'm the hero. (Interior - Night - Cam's hospital room. Booth at the end of the bed. A doctor to the right, examining Cam.) BOOTH: Why is it taking so long? DOCTOR: It's not. She's responding. (Doctor exits.) BOOTH: Camille? CAM: Seeley. BOOTH: (Chuckles) Don't call me Seeley. CAM: Don't call me Camille. BOOTH: How you feeling, babe? CAM: Like I got poisoned by a disembodied head full of plaster dust. BOOTH: Plaster dust. (To himself ) Plaster dust. (Exterior - Night - Brennan's apartment building.) (Interior - Night - Brennan's apartment. An agent is opening the door, Brennan and another agent are behind him.) AGENT #1: Everything is secure. Agent Holtz will stay in the hallway and they'll be another agent in the lobby. BRENNAN: Thank you. (Agent hands Brennan her keys) Good night. AGENT #1: Good night. (Agent Exits.) Brennan closes the door. (Interior - Night - Brennan's bathroom. Shower running, mirror fogged up, music playing. A piece of drywall is pushed in and Epps crawls through and pushes open the closet door, holding a crow bar. He rounds the corner looking toward the bathroom. At the front door, Booth is looking in, gun in hand, and Agent #1 and Agent Holtz are behind him.) BOOTH: (Whispering) Check the apartment next door. (Epps approaches the bathroom. Brennan rounds the corner, dry and dressed, gun in hand. The hammer clicks into place. Booth's gun clicks as he walks toward Epps.) Dead end. BRENNAN: (To Booth) You won't let me shoot him, will you? BOOTH: You knew he was gonna be here, didn't you? BRENNAN: It's the only scenario that made sense. BOOTH: Oh. What, you heading for the balcony, Howie? Hope you can fly, cause that's about a fifty foot drop, (to Brennan) right? BRENNAN: Yeah. EPPS: How did you know? BRENNAN: Plaster dust in the poison. BOOTH: Renovations to the apartment next door. BRENNAN: You're not all that smart, turns out. EPPS: One minute. All I want is one minute alone with you. BRENNAN: Fine with me. BOOTH: Don't provoke the lunatic, alright? (To Epps) You got nowhere to go. EPPS: I'm not going back to jail. BOOTH: You see, that's really not your decision, Howie. Get your hands up. Drop the crowbar. (Epps throws the crowbar at the lamp, breaking it and casting the room into darkess. He dashes out the window.) BOOTH: In the line of fire, Bones. (Epps jumps off the balcony and Booth grabs him by the arm.) You're not getting away, Howard. (Brennan appears and leans over to look.) EPPS: (Panting) Look who the killer is now, Agent Booth. BOOTH: A little help here, Bones? I got nothing but dead weight here. Help me. BRENNAN: (Trying to reach but not being able to.) Sorry. Can't reach. BOOTH: Grab the railing. EPPS: You're gonna drop me anyway. Just get it over with. BOOTH: You son of a bitch. EPPS: Are you saying you don't want me dead? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm not you. EPPS: Oh, really? You're not thinking of the world with me still in it? Going after Dr. Brennan, your son- BOOTH: I'm not you. (Booth and Brennan grunting, straining to reach.. Epps, scared, whimpers, gasps, and Booth looses his grip. Epps falls to the pavement. Sirens wail, police radio chatter sounds.) (Interior - Night - Brennan's Apartment. Booth, Brennan and Agent #1 are sitting at the dining room table.) AGENT #1: Unit on the ground saw what happened. So did the sniper across the street. You tried to save him. BOOTH: Yep. BRENNAN: No one could've helped him. BOOTH: (Nodding) Yeah. AGENT #1: You can take off now, Booth. Department might want to assign you a shrink- on the job death like that. (Exits.) BRENNAN: You didn't have your full strength. Your wrist was hurt from pulling Zack away from the explosion. BOOTH: My wrist wasn't hurt, Bones. BRENNAN: (scoffs) I wish you'd let me shoot him. BOOTH: No, you don't. (Getting up and walking out.) (Exterior - Day - Hillside Park. Booth is bending over Parker in front of the merry-go-round.) BOOTH: Come on, Parker. I'll put you up there. PARKER: No, Daddy. I don't wanna get on. Booth picks Parker up and puts him on the merry-go-round. BOOTH: Up. Up. There you go. Alright? (Strapping him in to the ride. Brennan enters, watching silently. Booth kisses Parker on top of his head.) Knuckles. (Booth and Parker bang knuckles. Booth walks away as the ride starts. Sees Brennan.) Hi. How'd you know I was here? BRENNAN: Saturday morning. How's Parker? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm afraid I freaked him out the other day. He's really scared of this place. Now I gotta put that right. (Sitting down on a bench.) BRENNAN: That's you all over- putting thingss right. (Sits down next to Booth. Exhales.) Cam gets released from the hospital today? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: You know, what happened to Cam happened because . . . we had a personal relationship. BRENNAN: Had? BOOTH: Yeah. People who work in . . . high-risk situations they can't be involved romantically because it leads to things like what happened. BRENNAN: High-risk situations. BOOTH: Every single day it's with us. There's this line, and we can't cross it. You know what I'm saying? BRENNAN: Yes. I understand. (she takes a deep breath. Parker waves from the merry-go-round. Looking at Parker.) He seems okay now. BOOTH: Yeah, you know, it's important to make things right. I just don't know how. I don't know how. (Fade Out - End)
Plan: A: Brennan; Q: Who must get FBI protection? A: serial killer Howard Epps; Q: Whose cell are Booth and Brennan ordered to? A: an inmate; Q: Whose remains were Booth and Brennan ordered to identify? A: their surprise; Q: What was Booth and Brennan's reaction to finding out the remains of the inmate weren't Epps? A: a revenge path; Q: What is Epps on? A: Booth's young son; Q: Who is Parker? A: her life; Q: What is in danger when Cam inhales a toxin while performing an autopsy? Summary: Booth and Brennan are ordered to the cell of serial killer Howard Epps to identify the remains of an inmate. To their surprise, the charred remains don't belong to Epps. It's soon learned Epps has escaped and is on a revenge path, which involves Booth's young son, Parker. Due to the danger of the case, Brennan must get FBI protection. Cam inhales a toxin while performing an autopsy, which puts her life in danger.
FRANCE 1557: Mary, Queen of Scots, has been hidden away at a convent for her safety since age 9. Engaged since childhood to the future king of France, she awaits her return to the french court AT A CONVENT: (Mary and her fellow countrymen are seen playing an early version of football. Until they all gather around a table to eat together. Everyone is sitting, passing food around and chatting amongst themselves. For some reason, Mary focuses her attention on a nun sitting on the opposite end of the table. Suddenly, blood and a frothy substance start to drip from her mouth and ears, until she falls face-first into her plate, causing a young girl to scream and everyone else to panic. One of the nuns grabs Mary by the arm and leads her away from the table) NUN: You must leave immediately. This was an assassination attempt. You were nearly poisoned. MARY: By who? NUN: Someone with ties to the Protestant throne of England, no doubt. They'll be found and dealt with. (Meanwhile, a group is heading toward the convent on horseback) MARY: Poor Sister Helen; I didn't know. NUN: That she was your taster? Every meal you've eaten has been tasted for poison since you left your mother's breast, Mary, you are the Queen of Scotland. (After gathering her things and preparing to leave, Mary is greeted one final time by the women who have been protecting her) GIRL (whispering): Look at her. She is beautiful. (As she makes her way through the crowd, they part for her) MARY (to the nun): I don't know if I'm ready. NUN (trying to sooth her nerves): To leave here, or marry the future King of France? MARY: Both. I hoped I would get to go back to Scotland one last time. NUN: Your friends from Scotland will be there. Girls you've known your whole life. You're safer in French Court. You're nearly a woman, and Francis is nearly a man. It's time. (Queen Mary and the sister hug one final time, while horse can be heard approaching them in the background) NUN: You will wed young Francis, someday soon, for your faith, for your people, for Scotland. He will love you. MARY: I'm not sure that matters. NUN: It does to you. (A little girl begins tugging on Mary's overcoat. She is holdng a rosary in her hands) GIRL: Mary MARY: Rose. ROSE: Be careful. There are ghosts there. MARY: At the castle? ROSE: They say the halls are filled with them. Tortured souls; a girl, whose face is a ruin. She hides it. MARY (trying to reassure the girl): I was at French Court before, you know, when I was your age. I didn't see any ghosts. ROSE: But what if they saw you? (Mary seems a bit spooked by the sentiment, but before she can say anything else, she is interrupted by one of the men on horseback) GUARD: Your Grace. (She takes the rosary and goes to enter the waiting carriage. She takes one last look around and gets in the carriage to ride away) ROYAL HOUSE OF FRANCE: (A dashing young man is seen running down the stairwell, tinkering with his outfit. As he lands downstairs, he is met by his illegitimate half brother; Sebastian, or 'Bash' for short) FRANCIS: Sebastian. BASH: Francis, they were looking for you everywhere. Tough to find you. FRANCIS: I was riding. BASH: Really? Who? (Francis chuckles at the insinuation and continues fumbling with his outfit. He turns around to let Bash help him get situated) FRANCIS: So, Bash, how's the mood? BASH: Father's or the mood in general? Tense to both -- Planning for your sister's wedding. FRANCIS: Is your mother in there? BASH: No, only royals and their attendants allowed, BUT, your mother is in fine form, God save you. I'm off now that you're here. (Bash slaps Francis on the arm and rushes off) FRANCIS (mumbling to himself): Lucky b*st*rd. (Despite his attempts, Bash hears him anyway) ELSEWHERE IN THE CASTLE: (Women have gathered around by the dozens, watching as King Henry tries on a suit and models it for them) QUEEN CATHERINE: Mary should be protected. Hidden. KING HENRY: So you've claimed. (A young girl is also trying on a beautiful wedding gown) KING HENRY: You also claimed she needed to be kept at convent for her education, when we both know she simply irritated you. QUEEN CATHERINE: Mary's arrival now upstages our daughter's wedding. KING HENRY: It's the perfect occasion to showcase the alliance with Scotland. Half the continent's royalty will be feeding at our trough. (Francis walks by as the two continue to bicker, catching the attention of a pretty brunette) QUEEN CATHERINE: There are those that say too many alliances make a king look weak. KING HENRY: Then why did we sell our daughter to Spain? FRANCIS (putting an end to their bckering): I'm told I was needed. Or should I just come back on my wedding day? You've chosen my wife; have you set the date, too? KING HENRY: Here's the date: when I say so. Or when England turns its sword in our direction. She's on her way. FRANCIS: Mary Stuart, you mean. I heard. KING HENRY: You don't sound very enthusiastic. You were playmates once. FRANCIS: She had skinny legs, a missing front tooth and strong opinions. KING HENRY: I'm sure the adult tooth has come in. The opinions you can ignore. (Henry looks over at Catherine, asking for reassurance) KING HENRY: Isn't that right, Catherine? QUEEN CATHERINE: Her ladies-in-waiting are on their way as well. QUEEN CATHERINE: Three titled, the other ridiculously rich. (Catherine looks over to Henry) QUEEN CATHERINE: Just your type. KING HENRY: At least your bride has a country and an army, should you need it. (Henry takes one more look at the two of them and leaves them be) QUEEN CATHERINE (to Francis): I may not have been born with a crown, but this country relies on my money. (Catherine scoffs at Henry's aggressiveness) Let him talk like a king. Your wedding won't happen until I say so. (Francis smiles at her warmly) QUEEN CATHERINE (pressing her hand against his face): I'm on your side. Always. FRANCIS: I know. ELSEWHERE: (In a dirty, musky chamber, Nostradamus and Catherine have gathered around a plethora of different herbs. He presents her with something in a metal tin) QUEEN CATHERINE (taking a whiff of it): That's disgusting. NOSTRADAMUS: Where she puts it, he won't smell it. Unless he's a very good husband. (Nostradamus breaks out in a wide grin) QUEEN CATHERINE: Imagine that. NOSTRADAMUS: You do want Elisabeth to bear sons. QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh, as soon as possible. Or what is a wife's value? But what about my son Francis? What do your visions say about his future? Tell me, Nostradamus, what have you seen? NOSTRADAMUS: I..I..I've had fleeting images, but as yet, their meaning is unclear. Perhaps if you were more specific about your concerns. QUEEN CATHERINE: Well, will he love her? Will she love him? How do I control a daughter-in-law who's a queen in her own right? NOSTRADAMUS: Is that what bothers you? Her power? Mm. Or the fact that she's young and pretty? QUEEN CATHERINE (teasing him): I've just had a vision. I see you, beheaded, at my command. Said with gratitude for the secrets we share. NOSTRADAMUS: Be patient. Answers will come. (MEANWHILE: Outside and inside the castle, people have gathered around, awaiting Mary's arrivial. Horses can be heard, trumpets are playing) LADY: There she comes. (The royal family all walk outside to greet her, including Francis, who urges Bash to come with him. Henry is joined by his mistress, Diane. Outside, two carriages pull up; one with Mary and another with her ladies-in-waiting) AYLEE (stepping out of the carriage): There's Mary. (The carriage carrying Mary finally pulls up and comes to a stop. A gentleman offers her a hand getting out, she takes it and her ladies rush over to her. First, they bow to her and then they all hug) GIRLS (said amongst laughter): Mary! We missed you so much! MARY: Oh, Kenna, Greer, Lola, I'm so happy to see you. (She smiles at each of them) MARY: Aylee, we're all together again. (After greeting the girls, Mary looks over to see the royal family looking on) GREER' (trying to fix' Mary's hair): Oh, Mary, your hair. Didn't the nuns teach you anything? (They all giggle) MARY (looking over to see all of the trunks that are being unloaded): Oh, Greer, those can't all be clothes. GREER: There's jewelry and silver, too. I'm making up in volume for what I lack in station, I suppose. AYLEE: Here they come! (A trumpet blows one last time; the royal family heads down the by-stander filled walkway) ANNOUNCER: Your Highness: King Henry II ONE OF THE GIRLS: The king! MARY: That's King Henry, but is that Catherine? KENNA: No. They're still waiting on her. That's Diane de Portiers, the king's mistress. GREER: So the rumors are true? LOLA: Unlike her, you'll have no trouble finding husbands here. KENNA: We'll certainly enjoy the hunt. KENNA (to Lola): What about you? Oh, don't tell me. It's about that boy from Aberdeen. LOLA: Colin said he'd wait for me. GREER: Till when? We might never be back on Scottish soil, not if it all works out and Mary reigns here. AYLEE: What do you mean, "if?" GREER: Make no mistake, we're here now to get our young queen in the game. Alliances can shift. Before they do, Mary needs to win the prince's heart. (Bash begins walking toward Mary and the girls. Kenna rushes over to Mary) KENNA: Is that Francis? He's gorgeous. MARY: No, that's not Francis. I know it isn't. KENNA: Then that must be Sebastian, the king's b*st*rd; Diane's son. I hear the king favors him. (Fanfare plays, as the Queen approaches them, bystanders bow to their knees) GUARD: Her Majesty: Queen Catherine! (Francis then walks to meet Mary) MARY (smiling at Francis): I don't believe it. FRANCIS (bowing to Mary): Your Grace. MARY: No, call me Mary, please. FRANCIS: Francis. MARY (nervously): The castle seems bigger. Is that possible? And you, too, of course. (Mary's ladies snicker at her from behind) FRANCIS: Is that such a surprise? MARY: No. Especially since your legs were always longer than mine. You know, I hated that when we were young. I was always chasing after you, but, now, uh, now it suits you. (Francis makes a slight gesture toward Mary and they walk away together) QUEEN CATHERINE (to Nostradamus): What is it? You've had a vision. NOSTRADAMUS: It's clear now. I saw your son's future -- his union with Mary. QUEEN CATHERINE: Well, say it. NOSTRADAMUS: She will cost Francis his life. (Catherine slinks back quietly, unsure of what to say) INSIDE THE CASTLE: WOMAN (to Mary's ladies): You have returned to the court at your own queen's bidding. As noble ladies, you must counsel her, prepare her, account for her. For the Princess Elisabeth's wedding, as with any event, you must acquaint yourselves, and Mary, with all visiting royalty and dignitaries. Who amongst you is fluent in Italian? AYLEE (apprehensively): I suppose I am. WOMAN: You will sit next to the Pope's cousin. He has no teeth and speaks very quickly. (The girls erupt in laughter, while the woman rolls her eyes at their childishness) LATER, UPSTAIRS: (Later on that day, the girls sit around in front of a mirror, applying makeup and trying on dresses) KENNA: Are these dresses from Paris? AYLEE: Yes, every one. LOLA: Oh If Colin could see me, he'd marry me in a second. I look of age now; we all do. AYLEE: You know what I'd like to do? Explore. We haven't been here since we were children. Surely the castle's changed. Who's with me? KENNA: I am! MARY: Go. I'll find you later. There's something I want to see. (Mary climbs up a creaking staircase that goes all the way to the top of the castle. She recalls memories she shared with Francis when they were small children) YOUNG MARY (whispering): Francis is a girl's name. (laughter echos throughout the hallowed hallways. When she finally makes it to the top of the stairs, she sees various children's toys, but a distant creak catches her attention. She follows the noise to a room where Francis is working) FRANCIS (slightly startled): Mary. MARY: Francis. Um, I didn't know you.. FRANCIS (interrupting her): What are you doing here? MARY: I was exploring. These were my old rooms. Don't you remember? FRANCIS: Not anymore. No one comes up here. MARY: Except you. What is that? (looking at the array of different things that sit on a nearby table in the room) Is all of this yours? FRANCIS: I-I make knives, and swords. At least, I'm trying to learn. MARY: To be a bladesmith? Is that a requirement for future kings now? FRANCIS: When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous, yes. MARY: No, no, I think it's fantastic. FRANCIS: But did you make all these? Why? I can't help thinking that every man, even a king, should have some kind of skill. MARY: Well, you're going to be a great ruler someday. Isn't that enough? FRANCIS: I hope I will be, but I meant a real skill. One that I didn't inherit, wasn't given to me and, and can't be taken away. My brother-- my half-brother, Bash-- he has so many. He wants to learn something, he does, he wants to go somewhere, he goes. With my father's blessing. They don't worry about him dying so much that they don't let him live. MARY: Because he'll never be King. I can milk a goat and cut peat for the fire. The nuns, you know. FRANCIS (half laughing): Impressive. I suppose if there was ever an uprising that sent my line into hiding, I could always get by as a blacksmith. MARY: But I'd save you. And we could go to Scotland and rule there. FRANCIS (unsure of what to say): That's, a (clears throat), that's a very kind offer. I hope I never have to take you up on it. (Francis heads back down to his chambers. When he enters the room, the brunette from earlier is waiting for him there) FRANCIS: Natalia. Did anyone see you come in here? NATALIA: No. They never do. They never will. Nothing's changed here. (Natalia inches her way across the room, toward Francis. When she's within touching distance, she pulls her top down on her shoulders) NATALIA: Nothing has to. OUTSIDE THE CASTLE: (Outside the castle, Mary sits by the water's edge with her dog, inspecting various pebbles that she holds in her hand. Suddenly, her dog begins growling and barking at a figure that stands near the entrance to the woods) MARY (unnerved by the loud snarling): Stirling, no! Stirling! (trying to calm him) Come on, boy! Mary. BACK INSIDE THE CASTLE: (Mary knocks on Francis' door inside the castle) FRANCIS: Mary. What is it? (Mary holds up some of the pebbles she found near the water) MARY: Um, I brought you something, to decorate your swords with. FRANCIS: Now's not a good time. Next time, you should be announced. My page is there for a reason. MARY: I don't understand. FRANCIS: You shouldn't be here. MARY: Why do you sound so... Are you alone? Are you with someone? FRANCIS: If you are ever going to be the Queen of France, you need to understand something; Kings do not answer to their wives. (Francis slams the door in Mary's face and she leaves his chambers. Inside the room, Francis stands with his back against his door, realizing that he was rude) BACK OUTSIDE: (After Francis was rude to her, Mary goes back to the lake and throws the pebbles back into the water, while her dog continues to bark at an unseen figure in the woods. Suddenly, he darts off into the woods) MARY (taking off after him): Stirling; No, come back! Stirling! (the barking continues) Stirling? Stirling, come back! (A group of men on horseback arrive back at the castle; led by the King's b*st*rd; Sebastian) BASH (to the men): Go on. MARY (continuing to chase after him): Stirling, come back! BASH: Mary? MARY: Stirling! (Bash jumps off from his horse and runs to meet Mary) MARY (frantically): Stirling, come back! BASH: Mary! MARY (reaching the region in which the woods begin): Stirling! Stirling! Stirling! BASH (stopping he from entering the woods): No, no, wait. (Mary continues trying to enter anyway, but Bash just becomes more forcable) BASH (getting her full attention): Mary. Young girls - royals, queens - do not leave the castle alone. MARY: But - my-my dog BASH: Let him go. Do not go into those woods. Do you hear me?! MARY: Why not? What's in those woods? Besides my dog, who I might've caught if you hadn't stopped me. BASH: He'll find his way back. There's food and warmth. Who wouldn't want to be at the castle? Except, perhaps, you. Rather be at the convent, would you? Eating porridge and trudging through mud? MARY (defensively): I quite like the way mud feels underfoot. BASH: Maybe you'll be sent back to the nuns - For misbehaving. MARY: You're cheeky. BASH: And you're upset about more than your dog taking a little jaunt into the wild. What is it? MARY: You should ask your brother. BASH: Ask him what? MARY: Why he's such a moody, arrogant ass. BASH: We're half-brothers, by the way. Nothing in common but our father, really. MARY: Oh. BASH: But I'll mention your discontent to Francis. MARY: Don't bother. BASH: And I'll find your dog. [SCENE_BREAK] INSIDE THE CASTLE: (Lola, one of Mary's ladies, is lying in a bathtub humming; with another lady attending to her hair. Someone enters and takes the lady's place, putting his hands on Lola's shoulders) COLIN: Warm enough? LOLA (shockngly): Colin! (laughs) I don't believe it! What are you doing here? You can't - (Colin starts kissing her the moment she starts protestng) COLIN: I've been thinking of you from the moment you got on that boat. I borrowed money and left the next day. LOLA: I want you to stay, but we'll be found out. We need permission. (The pair then go and speak with Queen Catherine) QUEEN CATHERINE (laughing): Oh What a grand, romantic gesture. And you say your queen, Mary, knows your young man? LOLA: Uh, she hasn't met Colin, but she knows his people. QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh! Your father is a cousin of Mary's father, James? COLIN: My father served him until the day King James died. His Grace was generous, he granted my father large holdings, but we're no relation. QUEEN CATHERINE: You come from former servants? My, what a rise your people have made. I do love a success story. Stay and tell me all about it. (Both Colin and Lola break out in a wide grin) QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh, Lola, you should go find Mary, keep her on task so we can all enjoy the wedding. (Lola gets up and bows to the queen, before leaving. The rest of the women in the room also leave, leaving Colin very confused and worried) IN MARY'S CHAMBERS: (Mary and Aylee go to enter the room, but just before the door opens, a shadowy figure makes its way from one corner of the room to the other) AYLEE: So Bash just happened upon you. You don't believe that. He has a terrible reputation with women, he knows no bounds. MARY: Maybe it runs in the family. AYLEE: Did something happen with Francis? MARY: No, no, nothing. (Aylee seems unconvinced) MARY: Really, it's fine, and we need to get ready for the wedding. AYLEE: So go on. I'll tell the servants you're ready to be bathed and dressed. MARY: Thank you. (As Aylee leaves, Mary begings taking off her earrings, before she notices the stones she threw back in the water are now lying on a mirror on her dresser MARY: Hello? Is anyone here? (A creaking is coming from across the room. It appears to originate behind a wardrobe closet in the corner of the room. Mary walks to it and puts her hand against the thin layer of frabic, a figure behind the cloth puts her hand up as well; with their hands meeting) FEMALE VOICE (with a raspy tone): Taste of love and sorrow, but don't drink the wine. Don't. MARY: Who are you? (Just like that, the woman is gone. She disappears into an interconnecting network of tunnels behind a trap door) AT THE WEDDING: (Outside the castle, fireworks are bursting in the sky. Inside, festive music playing, while people are standing around and watching the newly-married couple enjoy the wedding festivities. Meanwhile, Lola spots Colin nervously carrying two c'halices of wine.) MARY (to a group of gentlemen): We're very happy to be back at court. (Colin approaches Mary with one of the c'halices) COLIN: Your Grace. Beautiful evening, is it not? (Lola continues to watch Colin as he speaks with Mary, until Greer interrupts her) GREER: Why aren't you with Colin? (Both girls watch as Colin takes Mary's hand and kisses it gently) GREER: What's he doing with Mary? LOLA: She's his queen. He's just paying his respects. (Colin presents Mary with one of the c'halices and proposes a toast) COLIN: Let's raise a glass: To the happy couple. OLDER MAN: Hear, hear. (All of the people gathered around take a sip of the wine, but Mary, who recalls the warning given by the mysterious stranger. Instead of drinking, she gently lays the c'halice back down as Colin nervously walks off) FEMALE VOICE (raspy): Don't drink the wine. MARY (seeing Lola and Greer starting attentively): Oh, Lola, no. MARY (trying to pacify her friend): Aylee, I want to go dance. AYLEE: You can't dance alone. MARY: I won't be alone. (Mary and Aylee both walk toward Greer and Lola. Kenna joins them) MARY: Lola, come dance with me. Take off you shoes. Come on. Dance with me. (The girls liven up to the idea and begin removing their shoes) MARY: Take off you shoes. (The girls hold hands and dance wildly, while the King - and his mistress - looks on. The girls laugh wildly, but the Queen looks unamused) QUEEN CATHERINE (sarcastically): We're overrun by Scots. (The rest of the onlookers clap and laugh along. Some of them even join them in dancing. Meanwhile: Bash and Mary's eyes meet. Francis notices this and looks annoyed, until feathers begin to fall from the ceiling, reminding Mary of a time when she and Francis jumped on a bed when they were children, with feathers scattering about the room. Then, their eyes meet until the room starts to clear out) LOLA: Look Elisabeth and Philip are leaving. KENNA: It's time for the consummation; the ritual; the ceremony; the mystery. Aren't you curious? (Kenna grabs Mary's hand and pulls her away. The rest of the girls follow them into a cramped, dark room shrouded in secrey by a curtain) AYLEE: You mean, they actually watch them, you know.. GREER: It's a tradition for royals. AYLEE: Well, we are not allowed. KENNA (to Mary): Don't you want to know what you're in for someday? With your Francis? (Kenna pulls back a curtain, revealing the newlyweds, a bed and a group of people in a candle-lit room.) BISHOP: Pax vobis. In nomini patri et fili et spiritus sancti. Amen. (A lady is attending to the nervous bride; helping remove her clothing. She looks like she's about to pass out when her husband comes in) HUSBAND (he grabs her face and sheilds her eyes from the rest of the onlookers, whispering): We're the only ones that matter here. (They begin to kiss softly and inch their way to a bed, where they continue kissing and moaning. The girls watch as the consumation unfolds) AYLEE (gasping quietly): Let's go. (The girls apprehensively leave the room. After they are back in the main hallway, where anyone could see them, they split up) MARY: Go, before anyone sees us. (Kenna heads to a quiet, dark portion of the castle, with several men watching intently as she strolls by. When she's alone, she lifts up her dress to pleasure herself, but before she can finish, someone comes from behind, pressing their hand against her private parts. She turns around to see that it's the king) KENNA: Your grace KING HENRY: May I? (The king puts his hand under her dress and they begin kissing) BACK IN THE BALLROOM: (Mary goes looking for Francis and she finds him downstairs in the main ballroom with two other men. He sees her and goes to talk with her, while his lover looks on) FRANCIS: Excuse me. FRANCIS (approaching Mary): I've been wanting to talk to you. MARY (interrupting Francis and talking over him): There's something I need to say to you. FRANCIS: When you came to my room, I-I shouldn't have said what I did. There were other ways of handling this. MARY (offended): Handling what? Me? You do realize that we're going to be married someday, don't you? FRANCIS: Believe me, I know. MARY: I know you had a life before I got here. FRANCIS: It's not about that. MARY: Don't you think that we owe it to each other, to our families, to our countries, to give it a chance? FRANCIS: It's not that simple. MARY: Not that simple?! What's not simple?! (Mary raises her voice) We've been engaged since we were six -- It's all arranged. How awful must you find me -- FRANCIS: It's not you. You, You're beautiful, and clever and unpredictable, but it doesn't matter. What matters is what's right for my country. France is not as strong as you might think, or care; which maybe you don't, but I do. I'm going to be king someday, responsible for my people. And right now, an alliance with Scotland could destroy France. MARY: You don't want to marry me. You don't want this at all. FRANCIS: Things could change. MARY: Well, it isn't your decision, it's your father's. FRANCIS: You don't see him pushing a wedding either, do you? All engagements really do is hold alliances. He's betting we might need Scotland, I'm betting we'll find more support elsewhere. I know it's not what you want to hear... MARY: But you won't love me. You won't let yourself. FRANCIS: Love is irrelevant to people like us. We, who are so privileged in so many ways, with that. All I'm asking you to do is wait, see how things go. MARY: See how things go for France. I guess it is simple after all. But you aren't not the only one with a country to think of. (Mary storms off and retreats to her chambers for sleep. She is awoken by Colin, who is undressing himself. When Mary wakes, she screams, but Colin puts his hand over her mouth to stifle her screams) COLIN: Your grace, please, your grace! (Mary manages to push Colin off of her, right before the guards storm in and apprehend him) COLIN (screaming): Please, Your Grace, forgive me! THE NEXT MORNING: (Mary's ladies are gathered around with Lola, speaking of the previous events of the evening) AYLEE: How could this happen? Where were the guards? Why didn't they stop him? GREER: I hope Mary did if they didn't. They'll question her virtue. If she's not a virgin, then she'll never be the queen of France, and our chances at court will be over. LOLA: You don't know what happened, any of you. LOLA: I've spoken to him. He's being held. I bribed a guard. Colin's a good man; a boy still. MARY: What did he say? What possible defense could he have given you? LOLA: He said he was forced. He wouldn't say by whom. He couldn't, he was so afraid. But he said there are people, powerful people, behind this, and he had no choice. KENNA: What people? LOLA: Here, in the castle. He wouldn't risk saying more. AYLEE: Do you believe him, Mary? MARY: He looked so surprised that I would fight back. That I would even wake. KENNA: That you'd wake? He attacked you. MARY (remembering the mysterious figure that warned her): The wine. I was told not to drink the wine. I was warned. LOLA: Warned by whom? MARY: It doesn't matter now. I believe you. I believe Colin. LOLA: Please help him. IN THE THRONE ROOM: MARY (to the King and Queen): I thank you for your protection last night, but I need to speak with Colin. QUEEN CATHERINE: Speak , to your assailant? Why? MARY: Because he is the love of my dear friend. And if there was any misunderstanding, if I sent the wrong message in my joy at the wedding... QUEEN CATHERINE: Take care, child. If anyone knew you were even asking this... KING HENRY (interrupting the Queen): Catherine, she needs to know. QUEEN CATHERINE: Gossip poisons too. It can poison a young queen's reputation, her heirs' right to the throne; an entire kingdom. KING HENRY: You may have behaved foolishly, but you are not responsible for your countryman's actions. MARY: Colin McPhail is my subject. I am his queen, and I demand to speak with him. (It is revealed that Colin is being locked up and tortured) KING HENRY: Witnesses have come forward. The boy played a role in an English plot to destroy your engagement and Scotland's alliance with France. MARY: An English plot, you're sure? QUEEN CATHERINE: You must know if he'd been successful in his assault, you'd be unfit to marry our son; to marry any royal. My dear, this was not an act of passion. It was treason. KING HENRY: But it's all settled now. (In the prison chambers, Colin is beheaded) KING HENRY: Colin's been executed. MARY: What? KING HENRY: He was beheaded this morning. BACK IN MARY'S CHAMBERS: MARY (to her ladies): There was nothing I could do. I was too late. LOLA (with tears streaming down her face): He wasn't a traitor. He wasn't a rapist. MARY: They said he was involved in an English plot. I don't know who to believe or to trust. I, I am so sorry, Lola. LOLA: You're the reason he's dead. Anyone who's close to you lives in constant danger. We're disposable, all of us. MARY: No, you're not. I need you. You're my friends. LOLA: Kenna's my friend. Greer and Aylee are my friends. You are my queen, and we're your subjects. We're here in service to you, whatever that means, whatever it costs us. MARY: I will protect you. LOLA: You can't even protect yourself. MARY: I'll do better. I promise. (Lola sits back down and starts crying heavily. All of the girls comfort her, while Mary just exits the room for some time to herself. Before she can break down, she sees that Bash has her dog on a leash) MARY: Stirling! You found him. (She bends down and hugs her dog tightly) MARY: Oh, Stirling. What did I do? (to Bash) I'm sorry. It's just been so hard. BASH: I know. MARY: So much harder than I thought it would be. BASH: You're not alone here. MARY: I have my friends. BASH: I am not talking about your friends. (Bash sees his mother staring at him from afar) BASH (his tone changing): I meant I want you to be well, Your Grace. MARY: Thank you, Sebastian. Truly. (Mary goes to leave, as Dianne comes to talk to her son) BASH: Mother. DIANNE: Where did you find the dog? BASH: In the woods. It was drawn to the blood. DIANNE: How close did you get? Take care, my brave son, or you will bleed for a girl who will never be yours. (Outside, Mary is alone, overlooking the castle when Francis confronts her) FRANCIS (sighs): You defended a boy they found in your bed? What was he doing there? You can tell me. I think I know already. MARY: You think I was with him to get back at you? FRANCIS: I think you're impulsive and prideful. MARY: He's dead. Leave it be, I beg of you. FRANCIS: You can't behave like this. Not at court. Can't you see what's at stake here? MARY: Because we're engaged? But you have no intention of marrying me. What if I told them that? Then this would be over. FRANCIS: You wouldn't do that because it's not true; I-I might marry you. MARY: Someday, maybe, if. FRANCIS: You said that you had a country to think about. Were you thinking about Scotland during any of this? MARY: I was thinking about myself, my friends, my safety; FRANCIS: You could have ruined your reputation so that I couldn't marry you, even if things go the way we want them to. MARY: "The way we want them to?" And how would "we" want things to go? If you weren't the future king of France, and I was just a girl, not the queen of anything, would you want this? (Francis and Mary's faces inch closer together, before they are almost kissing, until Francis pulls away) FRANCIS: I can't do this. I won't. (Queen Catherine had been watching the scene unfold from her window. She goes to confront Nostradamus over the failed plot) QUEEN CATHERINE: You said the potion would make her sleep like the dead. One glass of wine, and she'd wake with her virtue destroyed, this engagement over. NOSTRADAMUS: There was nothing wrong with my potion. It was the delivery of it that failed. QUEEN CATHERINE: That stupid Scottish boy. NOSTRADAMUS: A stupid, dead boy. All to protect his family -- from you. QUEEN CATHERINE: I had no choice. The boy would've implicated me, and you. Have your visions altered? NOSTRADAMUS: No. Mary will bring your son's death. You cannot relent. You must continue to sacrifice. OUTSIDE: (Mary stands overlooking the water at the black of night. She hears leaves crunch behind her, but doesn't look back) MARY: I don't know who you are or why you hide, but your warning saved me. Danger surrounds me here, and I am in your debt. (Thunder and lightning strike the ground, revealing the woman who saved Mary) MARY: Are you in danger, too? (She turns around to face her savior, but no one is there)
Plan: A: fifteen-year-old; Q: How old was Queen Mary Stuart in 1557? A: Scot; Q: What nationality was Ashley Charles? A: Scotland; Q: Where was Queen Mary Stuart from? A: a convent; Q: Where was Queen Mary Stuart living in France? A: her marriage; Q: What is not assured in the film? A: heir; Q: What was Prince Francis's position in the French throne? A: French court; Q: Where is Queen Mary brought after a failed attempt to poison her? A: childhood companions; Q: What were Greer, Kenna, Lola and Aylee? A: Lola; Q: Who is Colin betrothed to? A: the wisdom; Q: What did Francis doubt about a Scottish alliance? A: Prince Francis's younger half-brother Bash; Q: Who does Queen Mary catch the eye of? A: illegitimate son; Q: What is Bash's relationship to his father? A: Duchess Diane de Poitiers; Q: Who was the mistress of King Henry? A: Nostradamus ( Rossif Sutherland; Q: Who was Queen Catherine's adviser? A: a vision; Q: What did Nostradamus have that caused her to arrange for Queen Mary to be raped? A: Francis's impending marriage; Q: What did Nostradamus believe would cost Francis his life? A: an unknown figure; Q: Who warned Queen Mary to not drink the drugged wine? A: order; Q: What did the King and Queen give to execute Colin? Summary: In 1557, fifteen-year-old Queen Mary Stuart of Scotland has been living in a convent in France since the age of nine in anticipation of her marriage to Prince Francis, heir to the throne of France. After a failed attempt to poison her, Mary is brought to French court for safety, where she is reunited with her Scottish handmaidens and childhood companions Greer, Kenna, Lola and Aylee. Queen Mary discovers that her marriage isn't assured, due to ever-changing politics and Francis's doubts over the wisdom of a Scottish alliance. Queen Mary also catches the eye of Prince Francis's younger half-brother Bash, illegitimate son of King Henry with his mistress, Duchess Diane de Poitiers . When Queen Catherine's adviser, Nostradamus ( Rossif Sutherland ), has a vision that Francis's impending marriage will cost him his life, she arranges for Queen Mary to be drugged and raped by Colin (Ashley Charles), a Scot betrothed to Lola. Queen Mary is warned ahead of time by an unknown figure to not drink the drugged wine, and so manages to stop Colin. Before she can question him, Colin is executed by order of the King and Queen.
Scene: The apartment. Penny: Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes. Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure. Leonard (singing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. Penny: You really didn't like it, Sheldon? Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was. Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun. Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account. Leonard (continuing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Penny: I just love decorating the Christmas tree. It makes me feel like a little girl again. Leonard: We didn't have a tree when I was growing up. Penny: Really? Why not? Leonard: Mmm, in my family, holidays weren't so much celebrated as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society. Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents? Leonard: Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other. Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree? Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures. Penny: So I take it you don't want to help us trim the tree. Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this. Penny: What is it? Sheldon: You're kidding, right? It's a bust of Sir Isaac Newton. Penny: Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy. Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it's much more Christmassy than anything you've put on the tree. Leonard: Here we go. Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake. Leonard: Merry Newton-mas, everyone. Sheldon: I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why. Penny: No, it's fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane. Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree. Leonard: No, he doesn't. Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton's claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top. Leonard: Yeah, you got me. I'm a Leibniz man. Sheldon: Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she'll talk some sense into you. Penny: What? Your... your mother's coming? When? Leonard: Tomorrow. Penny: When were you going to tell me? Leonard: Um, tomorrow? Penny: Why were you keeping this a secret? Leonard: Well, I just, I thought... Sheldon: If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won't approve of you as his mate. Penny: Why wouldn't she approve of me? I'm adorable. Leonard: You are, it's just... Sheldon: If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it's doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu. Penny: Hey, it's a big menu. There's two pages just for desserts. Leonard: I know. And those specials, they change every day. Penny: Okay, you know what? It's lame when I say it, it's just ridiculous when you pile on. Leonard: Okay, sorry. Penny: So what did she say when you told her we were going out? Leonard: Um... Penny: You didn't tell her we were going out, did you? Leonard: Um... Penny: Why not? Leonard: Um... Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert on meditation, but if you're trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om. Scene: Leonard's car. Beverley: It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up. Sheldon: No trouble at all. Leonard: I drove, Mother. I'm driving now. Beverley: Yes, dear. Mommy's proud. I've been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory. Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain's water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate. Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper? Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery. Beverley: Oh, did I thank you for the flowers? Sheldon: You did. Beverley: I don't really like flowers. Sheldon: Neither do I, but it's the social convention. Beverley: It is, isn't it? Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. You had surgery? Beverley: Yes, and Sheldon sent me flowers. Leonard: No, I heard that. Beverley: Then what was all that wait, wait, wait about? Leonard: I just don't understand why he knows more about your life than I do. Beverley: Well, I would assume it's because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues. Sheldon: It's what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling. Beverley: Yes, but we are on the subject, so I'm obliged to ask, Leonard, how are you? Leonard: Fine, Mom. How are you? Beverley: Mmm, menopausal. Leonard: Now I'm less fine. Beverley: Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged? Leonard: No. Sheldon, why didn't you tell me? Sheldon: My bad. I did send a gift from both of us. Beverley: She's a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist. Leonard: You must be very happy. Beverley: Why? I'm not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting? Sheldon: Well, I'm not sure about interesting, but... Leonard: Not the time, Sheldon. Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz? Beverley: It's all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to m*st*rb*t*. Sheldon: Isn't she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you. Scene: The apartment. Beverley: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings toward one another? Howard: What? No. Beverley: Why not? Howard: Because we don't have latent homosexual feelings toward one another. Beverley: I see. Howard: No, really. I have a girlfriend now. Beverley: And where is she this evening? Howard: She had to go out of town. Her grandmother died. Beverley: I see. Her grandmother died. Howard: Honest to God. Leonard, tell her I have a girlfriend. Leonard: I don't know what you're talking about. Howard: What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? Tell her I have a girlfriend! Leonard: All right. He "has" a "girlfriend." Howard: Her name is Bernadette, she's working as a waitress, but she's going to school to be a microbiologist. Beverley: Howard, keep in mind that the more passionately you stick to this construct, the more you're hurting your partner. Howard (to Raj who has whispered to him): Do you really think your lips in my ear is helping? Penny (arriving): Hi. Sorry I'm late. Leonard: Oh, glad you're here, uh, sit down, I'll get you a plate. Mom, you remember Penny. Beverley: Oh, yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger growing breasts? Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm going to say no. Howard: If it helps, we're all good with your breasts. Beverley: Classic overcompensation. Oh, speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me, I'm divorcing yours. Leonard: What? Beverley: Yes. He was cheating on me. Leonard: No! Beverley: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress? Oh, no offense, dear. Penny: No, it sounded like a compliment. Leonard: When did this happen? Beverley: Mmm, well, let's see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father? Sheldon: September 22nd. Beverley: Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died. Leonard: Mitzy's dead? Sheldon: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have? Leonard: I don't believe this. Why am I the last to know? Beverley: Excuse me, Leonard, I am the one who's getting a divorce, Mitzy is the one who is dead. Why are you the one making a fuss? Leonard: You're right. I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, I'm way out of line! Beverley: So, Penny, what's new in your life? Penny: Nothing. Not a damn thing. Scene: Penny's car. Beverley: Thank you for driving me back to my hotel. Penny: Oh, it's not a problem. Beverley: I was going to ask Leonard to do it, but he seemed a bit emotionally unstable and you don't want someone like that operating heavy machinery. Penny: No, you do not. Beverley: Your check engine light is on. Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So, uh, you must be devastated about your divorce. Beverley: Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed to be in a vehicle that's not subjected to regular maintenance. Penny: Come on, I mean, you're not upset that your marriage is over? Beverley: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch. Penny: Sure, sure. Beverley: Thankfully, my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven't had intercourse with him in eight years. Penny: Eight years? Beverley: Oh, that's nothing. I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982. Penny: Yikes. What's so funny? Beverley: That's exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes. Penny: You know what? I could use a drink. Do you want to stop for a drink? Beverley: Oh, I don't drink. Penny: I do, I'll teach you. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Leonard: What is it? Sheldon: I made tea. Leonard: I don't want tea. Sheldon: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea. Leonard: Then why are you telling me? Sheldon: It's a conversation starter. Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter. Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate. Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five. Leonard: I want that too. Why are you here? Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that's not going to work at all, I'll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you're experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit. Leonard: Thank you, that's very comforting. Sheldon: That's not the comforting part. Leonard: It's not? Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you're feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world. Leonard: You're right, I do feel better. Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family. Leonard: You're my surrogate family? Sheldon: If it's any consolation, I'm not happy about it either. Good night. Scene: A bar. Penny: Okay, now this time try drinking it all at once. Beverley: Yikes. Penny: I've been responsible for my own buzz since 2003. Another round for me and my homegirl. Beverley: I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities. Penny: As long as you don't feel it running down your pants, you're fine. Beverley: Oh, that is fascinating. I'm noticing an immediate lowering of my inhibitions. For example, I'm seriously considering asking that busboy to ravish me in the alleyway while I eat cheesecake. What do you think? Penny: Well, we are known for our cheesecake. Hit us again. Beverley: Yes. If a little is good, more must be better. Penny: Hey, Bev, guess what? Beverley: What? Penny: I'm sleeping with your son. Beverley: Really? Which one? Penny: The one from whom I live across the hall from. Beverley: Well, that's convenient. How did his pen1s turn out? Penny: Oh, Beverly, I can't talk to my boyfriend's mother about his pen1s. Beverley: Oh, fair enough. What can you tell me, if anything, about that busboy's pen1s? Penny: Actually, I've only had the cheesecake. One more time. You know, Leonard did not want to tell you we were dating. Beverley: Really? Well, that means he's either embarrassed about the relationship or he doesn't care enough about his mother to tell her he's in one. Either way, one of us should be insulted. Penny: Well, let's go find out who. Beverley: You go get a taxi. I'm gonna slip my business card into that busboy's back pocket, cupping his firm, right buttock as I do so. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Leonard? Beverley: Sonny boy! Penny: Get out here! Your mommy wants to talk to you! Leonard: What the hell is going on? Penny: You're in trouble. Beverley: Why didn't you tell me you were tapping my homegirl? Did I say that right? Penny: Yeah, not bad, not bad. Leonard: Are you guys drunk? Beverley: Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco? Now, how could you not tell me you were in a relationship with this lovely, charming young woman? Penny: Oh, thank you. Beverley: You're welcome. Is it because she's uneducated, trapped in a menial service position? Penny: What the hell happened to lovely and charming? Leonard: How come you didn't tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce? How come you didn't tell me you had surgery? How come you didn't tell me my dog died? Beverley: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship. Leonard: I do. Beverley (gives him an uncomfortable hug): There. It's late. Now, go to bed. I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart. Penny: That's the Del Taco. Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door? Beverley: Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I'd rather have the busboy. Scene: Leonard's car. Beverley: Thank you for taking me to the airport. Sheldon: You're very welcome. Leonard: Once again, I'm driving. I'm right here. Beverley: Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you'll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night. Sheldon: I don't blame you. You were intoxicated. Beverley: Thank you. Sheldon: I blame Penny. Penny: I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny. Leonard: Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour? Beverley: I think it's best that you not know. Sheldon: Agreed. Penny: Agreed. Leonard: What the hell, agreed. Beverley: And I want you to take very good care of this young woman. Penny: Oh, thank you, Beverly. Beverley: You're welcome. She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects, don't make her responsible for her own orgasms as well. Leonard: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don't communicate with me enough? Beverley: Yes, dear. Leonard: I'm over it. Penny (finishing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la.
Plan: A: Leonard's horror; Q: What is Leonard's reaction to his mother visiting? A: Sheldon's delight; Q: What is the reaction of Sheldon to Leonard's mother visiting? A: Penny; Q: Who is upset that Leonard has not told her about his mother's visit? A: their relationship; Q: What does Leonard's mother not know about Leonard and Penny? A: his parents' lives; Q: What does Leonard learn that Sheldon knows more about than he does? Summary: At Christmas, Leonard's mother visits, much to Leonard's horror and Sheldon's delight. Penny is upset to learn that Leonard has not told her about his mother's visit, nor his mother about their relationship, while Leonard learns that Sheldon appears to know more about his parents' lives than he does.
ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier enters his booth at KACL where Roz is pottering about. Frasier: Morning, Roz. Roz: Hey Frasier, your brother called. He said he'll be over at about seven o' clock tonight. Frasier: Oh, thanks. So, you seem awfully calm today. Roz: Well, why shouldn't I be? Frasier: Well, during ratings week you're usually rather anxious. Roz: [anxious] Oh my God! That starts today?! Frasier: Oh, I never should have mentioned it. Roz: Ten seconds. [starts quickly searching through her bag] Frasier: Oh Roz, you do this every year, you convince yourself we'll have a disastrous week with no good callers, but our listeners always come through in the end, don't they? Roz: [quickly] You're on! Frasier: All right. [into microphone] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism which is credited to the great thinker Spinoza... Meanwhile, in Roz's booth, she is up to her elbows in madness. Roz: Oh God! [takes first call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? Mary: [v.o.] Hi, I'm kind of... indecisive. Roz: Well, I'm not! [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? Roger: [v.o.] I'm thinking of changing careers, I feel kinda trapped. Roz: Well, it's not a very exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold, please. [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? Bill: [v.o.] It's sort of embarrassing. Roz: Amen! Bill: I was a bed-wetter as a child and I think the problem's coming back. Roz: Great. Hold, please. [goes back to Roger] Hey, Career Change, I've got a bed-wetter holding. When you say "trapped," is it possible you feel you are a woman trapped inside a man's body? Roger: I don't think so. Roz: I don't think I can get you on today, then. Roger: Gee, I really wanted to talk to him... I guess that could be part of it. Roz: Good answer. Hold, please. [to Bill] Hey Bed-Wetter, I've got a transsexual in crisis, you gotta beat that. Have you ever wet a bed with anyone else in it? A hooker, a stripper, or maybe your best friend's wife? Bill: No. Roz: Do you want to talk to the doc or not? Bill: OK. Er, I guess the third one. Roz: Hold, please. [to Roger] Hey Transsexual. Roger: Is that me? Roz: Yeah. Have you ever run for political office, or considered running for political office? Roger: What, you mean like congressman or something? Roz: [takes that as an answer] Perfect! Meanwhile, Frasier is finishing his speech. Frasier: ...don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism or I'll go the whole three hours! Well, I think it's time we went to the phones. Roz, whom do we have? Roz: On line one we have a bed-wetting adulterer, unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two, who's a transsexual running for Congress. Frasier looks at Roz as if to say "I told you everything would be fine." Frasier: Go on then Roger, I'm listening. [SCENE_BREAK] IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED, IT'S A BROWN ERMINE Scene Two - Apartment Daphne, wearing a brown ermine jacket, and Martin enter Frasier's apartment. Daphne gossips as Martin goes to hang up her coat and Frasier enters with a tea tray. Daphne: Would you just explain to me why you chickened out like that? Martin: Well, she's younger than I am! She probably dates doctors and lawyers, she wouldn't be interested in me. Frasier: Who wouldn't be interested? Martin: Oh, geez. Daphne: A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else from the building on a date. Frasier: Ah, that would be Mrs. Crowley. Martin: Oh, geez! Daphne: And bailed out again! Frasier: Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department lately. We're all a bit gun-shy. Daphne: Ah yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky; you're all full of excuses. [phone rings] You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house. Martin and Frasier look at each other in confusion. Daphne answers the phone. Daphne: Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you! Yes he's here, hold on. She passes the phone to Martin, who glares at Frasier and Daphne, making them stop staring at him. She brings some tea to Frasier. Martin: Hi. Really? No, I'm not busy, dinner sounds like fun. Daphne: [to Frasier] A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner. Frasier: [sarcastic] Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking? Martin: [still on phone] Oh yeah, yeah, sure I'd love to. Thanks. And thanks for asking me. Bye. [puts phone down] She's invited me to her place tomorrow night. I guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off. Daphne: Yes, you should really write a book; "How To Get A Date In Two Easy Years." The doorbell sounds and Frasier answers the door to his brother. Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. Niles: Frasier. Hey Dad, hey Daphne. Martin: What you got there? Niles: [holds up his papers] Oh, just some patient files. Frasier's helping me with my couples' group tomorrow night. Daphne: You'r father's starting his own couples' group tomorrow night. Niles: Ha! [realizes] Oh, Mrs. Crowley? Martin: Oh, geez! [goes to his room] Frasier: It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us. Niles: Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you. Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not the expressway, then at least the on-ramp. And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known... Frasier: Oh that's very flattering, Niles... Niles: Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor. And he is nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I-I don't know exactly what to call it. Frasier: The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind. Niles: Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too. He immediately pinpointed my primary failing. Frasier: Which is? Niles: Well... I'm too predictable. Frasier: I don't know whether I'd count that as a failing, exactly. Niles: Well, I do, and more importantly, so does Maris. But I'm going to do something about it. In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams. Frasier: In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop! Niles: I'm sorry, you'll have to look over the files yourself. You see, every Friday evening Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens. Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat. Well tonight, she's going to find me, waiting in her bed, as randy as a...nother stoat. Frasier: Gee Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea... Niles: Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you, so please don't take offense when I point out that, with your track record in relationships, you're about the last person who should be giving advice. Frasier: Fair enough! Niles: Oh and do look over the files! Those couples really need our help. Niles leaves and we are left with Frasier who begins filing through the notes. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Mansion Meanwhile, in the bedroom of Maris's mansion an adventure is about to unravel. The shower in the adjoining room can be heard as Niles rushes in and takes back the bed sheets. He puts a rose on Maris's pillow and dims the lights. Niles exits as the shower is turned off. The showerer comes into the room in pajamas. It isn't Maris, but Dr. Schenkman. He slaps some aftershave on before looking at his stomach in the mirror. He tries to hold it and fails. Schenkman then sees the rose on the pillow and thinks Maris has dropped it off. He blows a kiss to the opposite door. Then he fetches a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket which he nestles by the bed before exiting again. Niles enters the room again, now dressed in his pajamas. He notices the bottle of champagne. Niles: [saucily] Hello, Maris! Niles exits the room again, with a naughty chuckle. Schenkman re-enters with two glasses. He kisses the air and fills the first glass, then fills the second and toasts the other door with it. He then exits to the shower room. Niles enters again. He puts a CD into a small stereo on the bedside table. Smoochy classical music sounds and Niles begins swaying. Yet he remembers something else and exits. Schenkman enters again and notices the music. He loosens his dressing gown and does a few dance shuffles. Then he sprays perfume all over the bed, including underneath the covers. He sprays some on himself before going back to the bathroom. Niles enters with some rose petals which he excitedly throws over the bed. Then he hears someone coming out of the bathroom. He jumps into bed and turns the light out. Schenkman enters the room and notices "she" is in bed. He turns out the bathroom light, pitching the room into total blackness. Schenkman climbs into bed. The two lovers reach for their ideal mate... Both: Maris? [noticing] AHHH! Niles switches the lights on. They sit up and scream at each other. END OF ACT ONE (Time: 8:17) ACT TWO Scene One The scene resumes in Maris's bedroom. Niles: Dr. Schenkman! Schenkman: Niles! Niles: Dr. Schenkman, what the hell's going on?! Schenkman: Well, it's not what it looks like... what am I saying? Niles: For God's sake! He angrily gets out of the bed, Schenkman does also. Schenkman: Bear with me, I'm sorry. I'm, I'm feeling a little stressed. Niles: [shouting] You're feeling stressed?! Schenkman: Put yourself in my place. Niles: I very nearly did! I'm stunned! How... how long has this been going on? Schenkman: Two weeks. Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready. Niles: That's despicable! It's unethical, it's... [notices his clothes] are those my pajamas? Schenkman: Could be. They bind a little in the crotch. Listen, whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt. Niles: Don't bet on it! Schenkman: Ah good, that's good, vent that rage. You have every right to. Niles: You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to be angry?! Schenkman: Furious. Niles: Ah-ah. Schenkman: Livid. Niles: Ah! Schenkman: Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way. Niles: Oh! Schenkman: [holds up champagne glass] I don't suppose you'd care- Niles: No! Do you realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient? Schenkman: Yes, and I deserve to. But it was a risk worth taking, because of love. [lies on the couch, while Niles buries his face in his hand] Ah... oh! I love her, Niles. I've never known a woman so warm... so nurturing... so unselfish... Niles looks confused at this description. Niles: Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity? Schenkman: Thanks to our sessions, Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside. Niles: Damn you, I trusted you! Because you were supposed to be helping us! And I liked you too, you b*st*rd! You betrayed my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife! Schenkman: Wow, there's a lot of new issues here, aren't there? Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week? Niles sees red and starts to throttle Schenkman. As Schenkman yells for mercy, we FADE OUT. Scene Two The scene changes to Niles's private practice. In the waiting room Frasier greets a rather late Niles. Frasier: You are twenty minutes late. Niles: Sorry. Frasier: [unsatisfied] "Sorry?" This is your group, I've been making small talk with these people for the last twenty minutes. Do you know what small talk is like with people who have a problem communicating? It's tiny talk! Niles: Frasier, I just have a lot on my mind right now which I don't care to discuss, so let's just begin and you know what, maybe you should take the lead, OK? Frasier: Very well. Niles & Frasier enter the office where several couples are sitting around. Niles: Evening, all. Sorry I'm late, my fault. Frasier: If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge. I feel that I do know a great deal about this group. I've spent a good deal of time poring over your case histories. So, let's begin. Mrs. Budinger, I see that you're here alone. Janice: Yes. Frasier: Is there some reason why Dan couldn't join you? Janice: No, he's just stubborn sometimes. He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists. Niles lets out a crazed, sarcastic laugh. Niles: Yeah, well... maybe he's got good reason not to! Frasier: Excuse me? Janice: Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here. Sometimes we role-play, and I think he's just saying what my husband might say. Frasier: Sounds promising, why don't we proceed, Janice? How would you respond to what your husband has just said? Janice: Well, OK... you know, Dan, I don't think it's psychiatrists that you mistrust, I think that it's me. Why are you so suspicious lately? Niles: Oh, I think you know very well. Janice: What, a couple of harmless flirtations at parties? Everyone does that. Niles: Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel? Frasier: [to a confused couple] He's empathizing with the husband, we call this "empathizing." Janice: Well, what about you? Are you going to tell me you've never even looked at anyone else? Niles: [standing up] Don't you dare bring her into this! She is clean and pure and decent! Frasier: Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license. Niles: At least I've always been faithful to you! Janice: [stands up] I've always been faithful to you! Niles: I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world, but now, now... [cries] I don't see how I possibly can! Frasier: Did I mention that my brother's one of the greatest empathizers in the business? Niles: Now I just want to DIE! He collapses into his chair, sobbing. Frasier: You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our fifteen minute break, why don't we? [the patients start to leave the room] We've had quite a catharsis here - now traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers. He ushers them out, but Janice hangs back. Janice: Dan and I have never cheated on another! You've got to believe me! Frasier: Well, I do, I do, Janice, and please remember, no-one is here to judge anyone else's behavior. [closes door and shouts at Niles] What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?! Niles: Maris is having an affair with Schenkman! Frasier: [stunned] Schenkman! Why, that contemptible b*st*rd. Niles: He was waiting at the house for her when I got there. Frasier: I'm so sorry, Niles. Is there anything I can do? Niles: I don't see how. They're in love, they plan to get married! Frasier: He told you that? Niles: Mmm-hmm. And she confirmed it when she walked in - once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy. Frasier: I'm just shocked. Things seemed to be going so well with the two of you. Niles: That's what I thought. [thinks] You know, maybe Maris's feelings for Dr. Schenkman aren't real! Maybe this is simply a case of transference. Frasier: Well, patients often do believe they've fallen in love with their analysts, it's very common, it's happened to everyone. Niles: I know, it's happened to me! Frasier: Oh, get out of town! Niles: Several times. Well, I bet that's exactly what's going on here! Frasier: [to himself] I've never had a patient fall in love with me. Niles: Schenkman's an authority figure, Maris is easily influenced... Frasier: Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge. Niles: I'd be a fool to let her go if it's as simple as that! Frasier: Now, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping at straws. Niles: No, no, you're wrong. I owe it to my marriage to give this just one more shot. Frasier: How?! What more could you possibly do? Niles: I just need to talk to her alone. Try to make her realize what a mistake she's making. Frasier: Niles, just bear one thing in mind... Frasier follows Niles out of his office and shouts in earshot of the listening patients. Frasier: Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it! Niles leaves; Frasier turns back to the patients, who are all staring at him, aghast. Frasier: Well, then... shall we resume? [SCENE_BREAK] THE GOING RATE FOR CLOSURE IS $1411.80 Scene Three Later, Frasier is on the phone to Daphne in his apartment. Frasier: No, don't worry, Daphne, that's all right, you have fun. I'll be fine. See you tomorrow, everything will be fine, OK. Oh, Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet! [laughs] Maybe I'll see him in the morning too. [she prolongs him] Alright... yes, it is a very romantic story. OK, Daphne... Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple. Anyway... Right, right, Daphne, yes I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't they? Frasier goes to the front door, opens it and sounds the bell. Frasier: Oh well, there's the door. OK. [puts phone down] It seems that Frasier simply saved a very tired Niles from ringing it, who wearily enters. Frasier: Niles? I thought you were talking with Maris. Niles: It's over. Let her marry Schenkman, they deserve each other. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened? Niles: Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates, through windows, through key holes, and through transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet door. Frasier: Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites. Niles: Well, I decided no more. I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris. I hope you have a happy life but I don't have to take anymore of your crap ever again!" And I turned on my heel and walked away. Frasier: That's a courageous decision. How do you feel? Niles: Not bad, surprisingly. I'm glad I went over, I needed the closure. Now that it's over I feel a little sad of course, but also strangely liberated. Frasier: I'm very proud of you. Frasier hugs his brother. They spend a few moments in silence before Martin enters fresh from his date. Frasier: Oh Dad, you're back. How did things go with Mrs. Crowley? Martin: Oh great, fabulous. Right up until the time she introduced me to my date. Frasier: I thought she was your date. Martin: So did I. Turns out my date was her mother. Eighty-six years young. I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me. Frasier: Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this; "how was mom?" Martin: Well, she was very nice. Sleepy. [Frasier and Niles laugh] But she smiled a lot, showed me pictures of her great- grandchildren. She couldn't remember any of their names, but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine either. [laughs] Frasier: Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar. Martin: Well, I could use a big something. Frasier: It hasn't been a good day all around. Niles: Yeah, dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good. Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. Niles: She-She's in love with someone else. Martin: Oh, Niles. You all right? Niles: Well, I will be. Frasier brings a bottle of Scotch and three glasses, which he fills. Frasier: [hands drinks around] Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once. They share a chuckle, raise their glasses in a silent toast, and drink. Martin takes the bottle. Martin: Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Frasier: [as his glass is refilled] Thank you, dad. Martin: [fills Niles's, then his own] Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight... Frasier and Niles share a laugh. Martin: I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. They lift their glasses again, mumbling toasts, and drink. Niles takes the bottle. Niles: I'll challenge you! Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover. Niles pours Martin's drink, but Martin nearly drops his glass when he hears this. Martin: Geez, I didn't need to hear that! Niles: No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris. Frasier: It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off? Niles: The heat from her side of the bed! The three share a good laugh. Martin pats Niles on the shoulder. Frasier: Well, I think we have a three-way tie. [lifts his glass] Here's to the Crane boys - love's big losers. They clink glasses and drink. Niles: You know, I said I needed closure. But I won't have until I do one more thing. [takes off ring and heads to the balcony] Frasier: Oh, now be careful, Niles. You know, from this height that could hurt somebody. Niles: [looks out] All clear! Niles throws his ring over the balcony and they all rush to see it drop. Niles: Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time! He turns to go back inside- Martin: Uh Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? And runs back out and peers over the balcony. Martin: Whoa! [then] Oh well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out. The Crane men look over the balcony at Seattle. Frasier: Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again. Martin: Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date. Niles: Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves. Frasier: [shouting] Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting! Martin: We're desperate! Frasier: We're ludicrous! Niles: We're pathetic! They all chuckle to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene FADES OUT. END OF ACT TWO. (Time: 20:38) [SCENE_BREAK] Martin goes to the door and looks through the spy hole. The door opens; it's Mrs. Crowley's mother. She gives him a cake tin, kisses him on the cheek, and leaves. Martin licks his lips as he opens the tin. But she has forgotten to put a cake in it.
Plan: A: Niles; Q: Who is shocked to discover that Maris is having an affair with Dr. Schenkman? A: the advice; Q: What did Niles take from Dr. Schenkman? A: a romantic evening; Q: What was Niles planning to surprise Maris with? A: love; Q: What does Dr. Schenkman claim to be in? A: a warmer, kinder, more selfless soul; Q: What does Schenkman say he has never met? A: tears; Q: What does Niles's shock and pain of finding out Maris is having an affair with Dr. Schenkman cause him to do? A: a couples therapy session; Q: What is Niles in the middle of when he is reduced to tears? A: the next day; Q: When did Niles cry in the middle of couples therapy? A: Frasier; Q: Who is helping Niles run couples therapy? A: transference; Q: What does Niles wonder if it could be a case of? A: one more attempt; Q: How many attempts does Niles make to talk to Maris? A: the house; Q: Where does Niles decide to make the separation final? Summary: Niles's couples counseling with Maris is going well, and on the advice of their therapist, Dr. Schenkman, he is planning to surprise her that evening with a romantic evening. But he is horrified to discover that Maris is having an affair with Dr. Schenkman. Schenkman claims to be in love, and to have never met a warmer, kinder, more selfless soul. The shock and pain of this event reduce Niles to tears in the middle of a couples therapy session the next day, which Frasier is helping him to run. After some thought, Niles wonders if it could be a case of transference and decides to have one more attempt at talking to Maris. However, while approaching the house, he decides to make the separation final.