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Dataset card Data Studio Files Files and versions Community

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"The Secret In the Soil" [SCENE_BREAK] ACT ONE (Opens: BOOTH, BRENNAN and SWEETS and in SWEET'S office in session.) SWEETS: Okay, Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth. Together. A little closer. Okay, yeah, that's perfect. Beautiful. Now keeping your back straight, I want you each to lean forward. BOOTH: No. SWEETS: Excuse me? BRENNAN: Come on, Booth. I'm sure this is just one of those meaningless exercises meant to illustrate the importance of supporting each other. BOOTH: We agreed to see another therapist, not be action figures for a 12-year-old. SWEETS: I'm 22, Agent Booth. I have a doctorate in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, where my dissertation on the effects of job stress was published. BOOTH: That's great. I'm sure your mother is really proud of you, Sweets. SWEETS: Dr. Sweets, or Lance, you know, if you're more comfortable with informality, but I'd prefer, out of respect for each other and the process of psychotherapy, that we at least try to, uh... BOOTH: Sign the forms so I can get out of this suit and I could have a Saturday night. BRENNAN: I don't care how young you are. I've never believed in psychotherapy. SWEETS Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan, this isn't a game. The FBI is considering severing your partnership. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Why? SWEETS: Why? Dude, you arrested her father. BRENNAN: He was just doing his job. SWEETS: Yeah, but come on, he, like, he arrested your father. He's going to have to be a witness against him. Circumstances such as these tend to stir up a lot of scary feelings. BOOTH: I don't have scary feelings. Maybe you need a little night-light at night to sleep. SWEETS: Agent Booth, you've been trying to intimidate me since the moment you stepped in here. And you've succeeded. BRENNAN: Don't...scare the boy, Booth. SWEETS: Now, I need you both to, uh, fill out these questionnaires and get 'em back to me. Don't share your anwsers It'll help me evaluate whether Dr. Brennan's services should be signed to a new agent. BOOH: That's not going to happen. SWEETS: Like it or not, Agent Booth, I'm the therapist in charge of this case, so I suggest that we work in cooperation rather than conflict. BRENNAN: I can cooperate. SWEE Good. Agent Booth? BOOTH: I'm still going to call you Sweets. SWEETS: Yep. (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN in the FBI SUV.) BRENNAN: It's some kind of personality test. BOOTH: I can't believe he gave us homework. You know, probably his. What kind of kid works on a Saturday night? BRENNAN: Oh, that's my fault. I told him I wasn't available during the week. BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, why'd you go and do that? You know, I had, I had seats right behind the dugout. (His phone rings.) Booth. BRENNAN: Don't look on my paper. BOOTH: Okay, yeah, got it. Well, there's only one thing more fun than therapy on a Saturday night and that's a dead body. (Cut to: crime scene, with the usual cop cars, and forensic workers.) BRENNAN: Look at all the cars. I thought the VA hospital was closed. BOOTH: Well, it is, Bones, but I mean, come on. It's the weekend, right? An abandoned building surrounded by acres of secluded land. Use your imagination. Teenagers, hormones. BRENNAN: You're saying they're here to fornicate. BOOTH: Yes. Nice image, very, uh, biblical. (They walk up to CAM.) CAM: These two were on their way to a romantic encounter under the stars and literally tripped over the remains. BOOTH: Oh, I'm guessing that killed the mood. CAM: I've got patchy tissue. But this level of decomp pushes things into your territory. I haven't touched it yet. BOOTH: Definitely not homeless...nice watch, good shoes, at least what's left of them. BRENNAN: Male, middle-aged. Level of decomp would suggest he's been out here a few weeks, but... BOOTH: I don't get it. Kids coming here every night and they're just noticing him now... CAM: Dumped at the top of the hill? BOOTH: And he rolled down. CAM: Would explain the amount of fresh mud and leaves on the body. BRENNAN: These bones are still greasy. Did you take an internal temperature? CAM: With this degree of decomp, why would it matter? BRENNAN: Maybe he hasn't been dead as long as he looks. The body is still radiating a lot of heat. CAM: Wow, you're not kidding. BOOTH: We used to use the local golf course. I remember taking Mary Ann Milano to the ninth hole... sand trap. She had long hair all the way... CAM: You are so going to regret telling this story. BOOTH: Okay, now what do you got? BRENNAN: 127 degrees? BOOTH: Wow, that's really not normal. CAM: No, that's way past really not normal. BOOTH: You're saying that before the body was dumped it was... CAM: Cooked. BOOTH: Cooked? BRENNAN: Cooked. ACT TWO (Medico-Legal Lab - Platform. ZACH, BRENNAN, and HODGINS.) HODGINS: Has it occurred to either of you that this might be another victim in the Widow's Son case? ZACH: Based on what? HODGINS: Because the victim was cooked like an entree. Same as that guy in Germany. BRENNAN: There's no evidence here to suggest cannibalism...no bite marks. HODGINS: No condiments. ZACH: We have a bullet hole in the sternum, Dr. Brennan. What guy in Germany? HODGINS: He ran a computer ad online, said he was looking for someone to eat. BRENNAN: There's an excessive amount of mud and debris from the dump site. It makes it difficult to get a clear view of the injury. HODGINS: Yeah, tell me about it. I have to separate and distinguish particulates and insects from the body's original location. ZACH: People actually replied to the ad? HODGINS: Oh, yeah. Guy ended up feasting on a computer engineer. ZACH: That's extremely disturbing. (CAM: enters.) HODGINS: Well, hello, my exotic princess. CAM: What a charmingly inappropriate greeting, Dr. Hodgins. ZACH: I think he's talking to a bug. CAM: Well, now I feel a bit... rejected. HODGINS: Looks like something from the Nitidulidae family. Where did you come from, you gorgeous creature? Do you have any friends? HODGINS: Boy, he melted like ice cream on a hot summer day. CAM: So when do I get my turn with him? BRENNAN: Oh, we should be finished within...20 minutes. CAM: Excellent. HODGINS: Wow. I'm finding a large concentration of bristletails and harvester ants dead by the victim's feet. That is odd. CAM: The guy was cooked, Hodgins. Odd is kind of a relative term. (Cut to: BRENNAN in her office, BOOTH walks in.) BOOTH: Hey. Angela called. She wanted me to...Hey, is that the test from Dr. Sweets? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Well, what'd you put for number seven? Because I put 12 to 15 times a day, and now I'm thinking I really misunderstood the question. BRENNAN: We're not supposed to discuss our answers. BOOTH: Come on, Bones, the teacher's not in the room, let me see. BRENNAN: Is this how you got through school, Booth? BOOTH: No. Well, maybe algebra, but... (ANGELA enters.) Hey, Booth, I got your I.D. Franklin Curtis, age 54. His wife Margie reported him missing yesterday. BOOTH: Whoa...Augusta county. He was rich. ANGELA: Yeah. Founder of the Natural Sun organic supermarket chain. BRENNAN: There's one near my apartment. Excellent selection of local produce. BOOTH: Totally overpriced. A carrot is a carrot. ANGELA: Hey, it's worth it. Organic, there's no pesticides. It's from sustainable farms. Every time that I buy something there, I feel so virtuous. BOOTH: Guy started off with a single roadside produce stand, which he grew into a nationwide supermarket chain. BRENNAN: An organic capitalist. BOOTH: Ambition like that is bound to create a few enemies. (HODGINS enters.) HODGINS: I tested fabric samples from the victim's pants They were covered with chloropicrin. BOOTH: Why the pinchy face, Bones? BRENNAN: Franklin Curtis built his whole career on organic produce and chloropicrin... HODGINS: Is a pesticide. (Cut to: HARDING home with MARGIE CURTIS, her daughter KAT, BOOTH and BRENNAN.) MARGIE: I was at a yoga retreat with my daughter. When Frank didn't answer the phone, I got worried. (KAT enters.) KAT: Here, Mom. Ignatia Amara. It's a homeopathic remedy for grief. MARGIE: When we came home, there was a cup of herbal tea on the counter as if he'd just...stepped out for a moment. BOOTH: I noticed the fields as we drove in. You still operate the farm? KAT: No matter how big the business got, Dad always wanted to remember how it all started. BRENNAN: Your farm, it's...certified organic, correct? No pesticides besides natural predators? MARGIE: Of course. BOOTH: Your husband, was he having any personal problems, recent arguments? MARGIE: No, everybody loved Frank. KAT: Mom. MARGIE: Your dad was a wonderful man. KAT: My dad was kind of obsessed. He'd pressure conventional farmers to go organic. MARGIE: "Pressure" makes it sound so...He was an extremely generous man. He offered to support them financially, while they made the transition. BRENNAN: What if a farmer didn't want to switch? KAT: Dad would turn things over to his lawyers. They'd find some legal loophole. Property taxes, zoning, who knows? Eventually Dad would just buy them out. BOOTH: And he'd force people off their land. I see. Any farmers he was trying to convert? (Cut to: outside, BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking up to ANDREW HARDING on part of his land.) BOOTH: Yeah, Mr. Harding? HARDING: Something I can help you with? BOOTH: Yeah, FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. This here is my partner Dr. Temperance Brennan. I'd like to ask you a few questions about Franklin Curtis. HARDING: You can tell that son of a bitch that the only crop that will ever grow in this land is tobacco. I don't give a crap how many suits he sends over here. BRENNAN: He, he didn't send us,Mr. Harding. Franklin Curtis is dead. HARDING: Well, I wish I could muster up some remorse. BOOTH: Wow, No love lost between the two of you, I see. HARDING: The man was trying to kick me off of my own land. My family has been on this farm for over 150 years. Tobacco built this country, yet these self-righteous eco-hippies have the nerve to look down their nose at us. BOOTH: Did you see Frank last Thursday? HARDING: N-Not that I can recall. BOOTH: Really? Because Virginia Pesticide Control Board reports that you registered an application of chloropicrin to your field last Thursday, the same day Frank disappeared. (Pulls out a sheet of paper.) HARDING: So? It's a fumigant insecticide. It's perfectly legal. BRENNAN: It was all over Frank's clothing. BOOTH: All... over. (Waves sheet as he says it.) HARDING: Okay, he did come over. He said he was giving me one last chance before he started playing dirty.I was spraying the fields. I may have accidentally aimed the chem hose at him. BOOTH: Accidentally. HARDING: Look, I swear I wasn't trying to hurt him. I just wanted him off my property. You understand? Who the hell was he to take my land from me? (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN in the FBI SUV.) BOOTH: I'm just saying the guy had a point. If pesticides are so bad for us, then how come people live longer now than they did before they used pesticides? BRENNAN: You're over-simplifying an enormously complex issue.. BOOTH: Meaning you don't have a good answer. BRENNAN: The arguments in favor of organic farming aren't just about food safety.They're about prevention of soil erosion, protection of water quality, carbon emissions from shipping, not to mention... BOOTH: Whatever, you know what, you're not going to see me paying four dollars for a tomato. BRENNAN: You know, a researcher at the University of Florida proved that alligators who swim in pesticide contaminated waters have smaller genitalia than their clean-water counterparts. BOOTH: No way. BRENNAN: Way. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, with CAM) CAM: See? Right there. There's some kind of pattern on what's left of the skin tissue. I'm hoping a more artistic eye than mine can make sense of it. ANGELA: Regular circular shapes, cross-hatching, I'd say button marks. Like buttons from the victim's shirt were pressed into his flesh while he decomposed. CAM: Yes, that's exactly what they are. ANGELA: Glad to help. CAM: Here's the thing, though. Our victim's clothing doesn't have any buttons. (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN in the FBI SUV.) BOOTH: Yeah, in this whole environmental footprint thing, right, I mean, why shouldn't I leave a footprint? I'm here, right? Hey, why should I have fewer rights than any other species? Hey, Bones, you know we're having a lively discussion here. BRENNAN: Tobacco has to be cured. BOOTH: Yeah, I know, and it kills you. We're on the same side with that one. BRENNAN: Curing at tobacco farms is done in curing barns, using indirect fired burners. BOOTH: Oh, so if Frank's body were in Harding's curing barn, that would explain how it got cooked. (BRENNAN's phone rings.) BRENNAN: Brennan. BOOTH: That should be enough to get a warrant to search the farm. BRENNAN: There's what? CAM:, in the lab: Skin slippage. Our victim was pressed up against another body and during whatever heating process the two went through, the second corpse's tissue basically melted onto our victim. BRENNAN: Thanks. BOOTH: What, we got big news from the nerd posse? BRENNAN: When we search the tobacco farm, we'll be looking for more than the murder site. We'll be looking for a second victim. ACT THREE (HARDING home, with LIZBETH, BOOTH, BRENNAN and various federnal and forensic personnel.) LIZABETH: I'm making lemonade. BOOTH: Lemonade! LIZBETH: It's awful hot today. HARDING: It's an intrusion, Elizabeth, not a garden party. BOOTH: Agent Booth, ma'am. LIZBETH. Elizabeth Harding. Pleasure to meet you. BOOTH: Listen, we won't be any longer than we have to. LIZBETH: Shame about Mr. Curtis. HARDING: Uh, we don't have to talk to them, Elizabeth. LIZBETH: Don't mind Mr. Grouchy. BOOTH: Did you know Mr. Curtis personally? LIZBETH: Oh, of course. Although, maybe not as personally HARDING: Elizabeth... LIZBETH:...as he might have liked. BOOTH: How's that? LIZBETH: Andy didn't tell you? BOOTH: No. LIZBETH: Oh, he get so jealous. No reason. Looks aren't everything. Mr. Curtis was a big flirt. Always making passes at me. HARDING: It didn't seem relevant. LIZBETH: And right under his poor wife's nose, too. Fool thought he could get me to convince Andy to sell the farm. HARDING: Elizabeth! LIZBETH: Oh, don't you start again. When I told Andy, I don't think I have ever seen him so mad. What a temper you have. BOOTH: Thank you, Mrs. Harding. You have been very helpful. LIZBETH: Tell Andy. He doesn't think I can do anything right. So how many lemonades? BOOTH: Oh, how many lemonades? (Turns to ask various FBI guys in the garden, working.) BOOTH: Make a pitcher. Great. (Medico-Legal lab, ZACK, HODGINS.) HODGINS: Put solar panels on my house. Compact fluorescents in every socket and still feel guilty when I use a paper napkin. ZACK: I've been looking at low-impact housing. I saw a free-standing house that was 118 square feet. This entry to the sternum might not be a bullet hole. HODGINS: Wait, wait, wait. 118 square feet? Dude, that's smaller than the janitor's closet. ZACK: There's room for a bed, kitchen on one wall and a small bathroom. I don't really see why I would need more. Isn't the goal to reduce our impact on the environment? HODGINS: Our lives aren't only about function. We are allowed to enjoy ourselves occasionally. ZACK: That's why I work. HODGINS: Yes, finally. Identified my mystery bug. Carpophilus nitidulidae. King of the lab! It's an agricultural pest, found on pineapple plants. (Cut to: HARDING farm, with BOOTH, various FBI agents strewn about.) WOMAN FBI AGENT: Agent Booth? There's nothing, the curing shed is clean. BOOTH: Yeah, but the body was cooked, and there should be another body, too. WOMAN FBI AGENT: Not here. (Enter LIZBETH.) LIZBETH: More lemonade? WOMAN FBI AGENT:Yes, please. BOOTH: (to WOMAN FBI AGENT) No, no, no, just go back inside and check. (to LIZBETH) I'll take half a glass. (Phone rings.) Booth. (BRENNAN and ANGELA in BRENNAN'S office, talking to BOOTH on speaker phone.) BRENNAN: He was around pineapple plants at the time of his death. BOOTH: Pineapples? ANGELA: Hodgins found insect activity that's only found on pineapple plants. BRENNAN: But the closest place they're grown commercially is Florida. BOOTH: You're saying that the body was moved from Florida? BRENNAN: I don't have an explanation, I'm just giving you the facts. ANGELA: I found this article about the environmental impact caused by transporting crops over long distances. It mentions this farmer in Virginia who was trying to grow tropical crops in a hot house. BOOTH: Like pineapples? ANGELA: Like pineapples. BOOTH: (to ANGELA and BRENNAN) Thanks.(to LIZBETH, with lemonade) Thanks. (Cut to LYNDON PAGE'S house, the kitchen, with BRENNAN and BOOTH.) PAGE: Boy, sorry to hear about Frank. He was a good man. A big supporter of what I'm trying to do here. BOOTH: All right, Mr. Page... PAGE: Please, call me Lyndon. You ever eat a pineapple for the same day it was picked Agent Booth? BOOTH: Actually, no, and... PAGE: Let me make you each a smoothie. BOOTH: That's okay. BRENNAN: I'd love one. BOOTH: Frank Curtis ever visit your hot house? PAGE: Once, back when I first built it. He had some advice on how to maximize sun exposure. BOOTH: What's he doing? BRENNAN: He's powering the blender. The wheel rim is attached to a generator. This is rather ingenious. PAGE: Stay fit and save energy. BOOTH: I'm sure it'll catch on; so, you and Frank, you ever have any problems? PAGE: No, never. Probably helped that I didn't have a wife for him to flirt with. BOOTH: Seems Frank had a habit of hitting on other people's wives. PAGE: All great men have their foibles. Go ahead and check out the hot house. I'll bring these out soon as they're done. (Cut to: hot house with BRENNAN and BOOTH.) BOOTH: Frank Curtis's wife stood to gain the most from her husband's death. If she found out he was cheating... BRENNAN: But you said her alibi is solid. BOOTH: That doesn't mean we can't, you know, double check. I bet Sweets was picked that on all through school. BRENNAN: And that's relevant now, why? BOOTH: You're kidding me, right? Scrawny kid like that sees me coming, a former jock, and he's thinking to himself, "Time for a little payback," you know? Make him fill out all those stupid forms. Threatens to take my partner away from me. BRENNAN: These tubs are too small to fit anything. We're not going to find the second victim here. BOOTH: Yeah, you know what, you're right. So what do you say we go check... Bones, was that you? BRENNAN: Was what me? BOOTH: That smell. BRENNAN: I don't know what you're talking about. BOOTH: Come on. Why don't girls just admit it? It's a natural bodily function. You're a scientist. BRENNAN: Booth, I don't...That had to be you. BOOTH:: It wasn't me! BRENNAN: "He who smelt it, dealt it." BOOTH: How do you even know that phrase? (PAGE enters.) PAGE: Phew, sorry about that smell. Guess I left the vents open. (Hands them their smoothies.) Community composting facility is about a mile away, but when the winds blow westerly, it smells like it's around the corner. BRENNAN: Do you take agricultural wastes to the composting facility? PAGE: Sure, almost every organic farmer in the county does. It's a great program. You give them your waste and in return, they give you certified organic compost at a fraction of the cost. (BRENNAN hands back the cups to PAGE.) BOOTH: Whoa, I wasn't done with that. BRENNAN: I have an idea. Thank you very much, Lyndon. Your smoothies are excellent. BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey, do you have any "to go" cups? PAGE: The road to the apocalypse is paved with disposable food containers, my friend. (Cut to Medico-Legal lab, with HODGINS, and BOOTH and BRENNAN on the phone in the FBI SUV.) HODGINS: Compost, of course. The identifying organisms would have started dying as soon as the body was removed from the heat. BRENNAN: But how high do the temperatures get? HODGINS: Inside a large compost heap, as high as 170 degrees. BOOTH: That's hot enough to cook a body. BRENNAN: And if Lyndon contributes his waste to the pile, that could explain why the pineapple beetle was there. HODGINS: Hey, you guys going to check out a large compost pile? BOOTH: (quietly) It's wrong how excited he sounds. Wrong. (Cut to: compost yard, with numerous trucks and equipment. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and GAVIN LEE.) LEE: We've got five people on staff full time. But there's 43 farmers with keys to the gates. You all right? BOOTH: Yeah...oh, just the smell. LEE: We've probably got a couple masks in the office, you two want me to go... BRENNAN: I'm fine. Agent Booth tends to be squeamish. BOOTH: Look, I'm fine, okay? So you were saying 43 farmers? LEE: They're welcome to dump their own waste, otherwise we schedule a pickup with our truck when it's-- TIM: Hey, Gavin. LEE: Oh, Tim Peck, Clay Ainsley, couple of our local farmers. This is Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan. They're here about Frank. (CHARLIE ROGAN enters.) CHARLIE: Truck stopped running again, Gavin. I think it needs a new fuel filter. LEE: I just replaced it two weeks ago. CLAY: Yeah, when I switched to bio-diesel, I went through at least four fuel filters. It's a conversion, loosens up the deposits. BOOTH: You work here? CHARLIE: Yes sir. Charlie Rogan. BOOTH: Did you know Frank Curtis? CHARLIE: Very well. I only just heard what happened to him. I dated his daughter all through high school. Gavin introduced us. If there's anything I can do...Mr. Curtis was a great man. CLAY: (scoffs) BOOTH: Oh, you disagree? CLAY: Frank Curtis was in it for the money, not the cause. TIM: Then why did he donate his entire estate to environmental groups? We're talking millions. Even our corp could see some. CLAY: You ever been to his house? 4,000 square feet, brand-new everything. Left his air conditioner on all the time. Yeah, fat lot that man cared about the environment. TIM: Don't mind him. The smell out here always puts him in a foul mood. BOOTH: Alright, look, I'm going to need names and addresses of every employee... (groans) And a list of participating farmers. BRENNAN: And the facility has to be closed until all of the compost is searched. BOOTH: We can get a warrant if you want. LEE: I do. (Cut to SWEETS' office with SWEETS, BOOTH and BRENNAN.) SWEETS: Two independent people often find themselves...Agent Booth, are you listening? (BOOTH has his knew up against the table flipping his phone for any possible messages.) BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: The judge will call when the warrant is issued, Booth, pay attention. BOOTH: What, I'm in the middle of an investigation. I get distracted. BRENNAN: So it's not my investigation, too? BOOTH: It's too early in the morning for this. SWEETS: No, no, no, this is good, let's talk about conflict. When you guys argue, how do you come to a resolution? BRENNAN: We don't argue. SWEETS: Come on, remember, zone of truth, right here. BOOTH: Fine. We might bicker a little bit, but that's not arguing. BRENNAN: Bicker? I don't bicker. BOOTH: No? What about the whole environmentalism thing? BRENNAN: That was a discussion. BOOTH: You pretty much told me my pen1s was going to shrink if I didn't eat organic food. BRENNAN: That's not bickering, that's being a good friend. BOOTH: My pen1s is just fine, thank you. SWEETS: Now we're getting somewhere. All right, I think we're in that truth zone. BOOTH: Stop with the whole truth zone thing, alright? Bones and I are trying to catch a guy who cooked a tree hugger. So just score the personality test so we can get back to crime fighting. SWEETS: Yeah, that's good, Agent Booth. Now let the anger lead you to the fear. You can't be whole, you can't do your job to its fullest, unless you get in touch with that fear you feel. Now Dr. Brennan and I are going to close our eyes. Follow the anger, all right? Feel it? Feel it softening. You feel that? (BOOTH and BRENNAN both snicker, as BOOTH gets his text.) SWEETS: Very mature, guys. BOOTH: Got to run, Sweets. Got the call. Let's boogie, Bones. And, um, look, next time, you really should tell me if there's going to be an essay on the test. (Cut to: Medico-Legal lab, with ZACK examining the victim's bones as CAM: walks in.) CAM: I just got off the phone with Hodgins. He's knee-deep in compost. ZACK: He must be happy. CAM: Happy as a pig in...what pigs like to be in. ZACK: A sty? CAM: You said you had things to show me? ZACK: From the injuries, it appears there was a struggle. You can see the bruising and fresh hairline fractures on the femurs and left ulna. CAM: Consistent with defensive wounds? ZACK: That would be my assessment. CAM: So, there was a fight before he was shot? ZACK: He wasn't shot. CAM: I thought you said it was a bullet hole. ZACK: I was mistaken. It occasionally happens. The hole is actually a congenital abnormality. A sternal foramen. CAM: So we're back to no known cause of death? ZACK: Not quite. I found multiple puncture wounds with hinge fracturing on the scapula and posterior aspects of several ribs. CAM: He was stabbed? By what? ZACK: I'm working on it. (Holds up two sharp objects.) CAM: Okay then. Enjoy. (Cut to: compost yard, with numerous trucks and equipment. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and HODGINS. Hodgins and BRENNAN are in the pile, searching for evidence.) BOOTH: Oh, God, I'm never going to get over that smell. HODGINS: This place is awesome. The thermophilic bacteria content is off of the charts. BOOTH: No security cameras. Too high-tech for the granola crowd. That means we have about 100 suspects. BRENNAN: Are you coming in? BOOTH: No... you know what? That's your thing. And I'll just, uh, mess things up if I come up there. HODGINS: I just heard a crunch. Definitely not plant life. I'd love to try this feeding fungi. (Bends down to investigate, brushes off some compost to reveal a skeleton. ) BRENNAN: That's adipocere. BOOTH: Is that good or bad? BRENNAN: Good for us. Bad for the victim. Female, probably in her early 20s. HODGINS: It would attribute to decomposition to the microbial activity of the compost pile... BRENNAN: She's been dead about the same time as Curtis. BOOTH: Even dead, Frank was lying with another woman? [SCENE_BREAK] ACT FOUR (Cut to Medico-Legal lab -Platform with ZACK, CAM:, and HODGINS.) ZACK: These three phalanges still have some tissue. CAM: And fingernails. I may be able to get some scrapings, maybe even a print. HODGINS: Calliphoridae didn't have a chance to oviposit. She must have been buried in the compost just hours after she died. CAM: Can you pinpoint how long it would take for her to reach this level of decomp? HODGINS: Well, given the carbon to nitrogen ratio of the compost I sampled, she's been in there since last Wednesday. ZACK: Meaning she died the day before Frank? CAM: Who catches two people cheating, but kills them a day apart? (ANGELA enters.) ANGELA: My sketch isn't matching any of the missing women on file. HODGINS: Well, maybe no one's missed her yet. ANGELA: Poor thing. Everybody should be missed. HODGINS: Oh, you are such an angel. (HODGINS leans in to kiss ANGELA.) CAM: I will get a bucket of cold water, I swear. ZACK: There's perimortem trauma to the skull. But it's not severe enough to cause death. I also found multiple broken ribs, and the sternum is severely fractured. ANGELA: Somebody tried to crush her? ZACK No, these injuries are consistent with inexpert use of cardiopulmonary resuscitation. CAM: Somebody tried to save her. (Cut to BOOTH in the Curtis home with MARGIE CURTIS.) MARGIE: The woman you found... who was she? BOOTH: Well, we were hoping you might know. MARGIE: I told you, I was out of town. I have no idea. BOOTH: But you were aware that your husband wasn't always faithful. MARGIE: Yes, I was. BOOTH: Yet you stayed with him. I get it. Big house, comfortable lifestyle. MARGIE: I stayed with Frank because I loved him. I accepted his faults. BOOTH: I'm sure you'll accept the life insurance money, too. MARGIE: I'm not even thinking about money, Agent Booth. How can you even? My husband hasn't even been dead for a week. BOOTH: I'm aware of that. Since you were so forgiving of your husband's infidelity, why didn't you mention that in our first conversation? MARGIE: Kat. I couldn't do that to our daughter. She idolized Frank. I can't ruin that, especially now. (KAT enters, with CHARLIE ROGAN.) KAT: Mom. BOOTH: Mrs. Curtis, I...I came over to tell you and Kat how sorry I am. Gavin said he'd try to stop over later. I didn't mean to interrupt. KAT: No, Charlie, it's okay, stay. Mom, I knew since high school. Charlie knew, all my classmates knew. MARGIE: Oh, God. CHARLIE: Come on, Kat. Not now. KAT: I pretended that I didn't. For you. (Cut to: BRENNAN'S office, where she is on her couch reading and BOOTH walks in.) BOOTH: Okay, so Margie said Frank kept an office in town. Turns out that office was an apartment. BRENNAN: Where he took his women. BOOTH: Yeah, okay, Bones, that's right. Come on, let's go to the apartment. BRENNAN: You know I used that device on in one of my novels, and my editor thought it was trite. BOOTH: Ha! Maybe it was Frank's take on being environmentally friendly, making a friendly environment. Get it? BRENNAN: Apparently not. (Cut to the apartment of FRANK CURTIS. BRENNAN and BOOTH walk in the door as BOOTH complains about the latex gloves. Alas! Booth wears gloves like a squint instead of poking at thins with his pen! Success!) BOOTH: You know, I really hate these gloves. No. No sign of forced entry. BRENNAN: These sunglass frames are made of bamboo. BOOTH: Oh, is that weird? BRENNAN: Well, most frames are made of metal or plastic, sometimes vinyl. BOOTH: Maybe they belong to the Eco Avenger. BRENNAN: Who? BOOTH: Frank. Toiletries in the bathroom, bra hanging over the shower rod. Definitely a woman living here. BRENNAN: Dried blood on the coffee table. BOOTH: Let's call forensics and have the place swept. BRENNAN: Send everything to the... BOOTH: To the Jeffersonian, yup. Got it. Including the whole... Yeah, the entire coffee table. Here...Here we go. Take-out receipt from, uh, two weeks ago. Hop Lee's Chinese Kitchen. Name on the credit card...Emma Billings. BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: I think we found our second victim. BOOTH: Emma Billings. (Cut to: Medico-Legal lab. BRENNAN and ZACK are discussing the bones of the second victim.) ZACK: She has an interior superior margin fracture to the C-5 vertebrae. BRENNAN: What about the posterior half of the vertebral body? Any linked sagittal fractures? ZACK: Yes. BRENNAN: So...if she fell and hit her head on the coffee table at this angle, that could account for the broken vertebrae. ZACK: It's a statistically rare possibility, but one that would have killed her instantly. (CAM: enters.) CAM: FBI sent over some info on our latest victim. She was a cashier at one of Franklin Curtis's Natural Sun Markets in New Jersey. BRENNAN: How'd she end up in Virginia? CAM: They think she was hiding. Earlier this year, she accused one of her coworkers of stalking her. Check him out. BRENNAN: Wouldn't want him following me. CAM: I know, right? Guy's name is Noel Liftan.He was fired. Emma filed a restraining order. Booth is trying to track him down. Any progress on time of death? BRENNAN: It appears to have been accidental CAM: That'll explain CPR ZACK: But Frank were stabbed multiple times. CAM: Right. Not so accidental. (BRENNAN'S phone rings.) BRENNAN: Hey, Booth. CAM: What about the murder weapon used on Frank? Find anything yet? ZACK: These puncture wounds...I still can't find any weapon this small and curved. CAM: They're close together. He didn't seem to move much. ZACK: Which is odd, because the wounds appear deep. BRENNAN: Okay, call me after. Booth found Emma's stalker. He's been staying at a motel right across the street from where Emma was killed. (Cut to FBI investigation room with BOOTH and NOEL LIFTIN.) NOEL: Don't look at me like that. You can't arrest me for renting a motel room. I didn't break any laws. I followed her, okay? But the motel room is over 150 feet from Emma's apartment building. I measured. BOOTH: Then I guess I got no reason to suspect you. I mean, you were just keeping an eye on her. NOEL: I was. BOOTH: Yeah. NOEL: Frank Curtis. BOOTH: Who? NOEL: Frank Curtis. BOOTH: Frank Curtis. NOEL: You should talk to him. Okay. He treated Emma like he owned her. It was so messed up. Wow, the reflections on this table, the patterns are beautiful. BOOTH: Noel. Focus. Frank Curtis. NOEL: Oh, sure. Frank comes in for one of his regional visits. You know, and has the manager hire Emma. The next time he comes in, he can see that Emma's falling for me. So he has me fired and then tells Emma to take out a restraining order. BOOTH: Oh and the the fact that you called her 20 times a dayand slept in her driveway, that had nothing to do with it? NOEL: I guess you've never been in love. BOOTH: Where were you last Wednesday and Thursday? NOEL: Mostly I just stay in my motel room, you know, keep an eye on Emma's building. Only times I ever leave is to go out and sell my products. BOOTH: Your products? NOEL: Hemp oil-based body products. I make them myself. BOOTH: There's a surprise. I guess you're telling me you don't have an alibi. (Cut to: Medico-Legal lab - Platform with HODGINS: I reviewed the forensic samples from the apartment. Traces of triglycerides, diglycerides, and free fatty acids on both the carpeting and the furniture. It looks like some vegetable oil. BRENNAN: Could it be hemp oil? Booth said the person stalking Emma Billings sells hemp-based body products. Yeah, that's one possibility. BRENNAN: Re-examine any clothing from Frank and Emma's bodies.See if you can find additional traces of the oil. HODGINS: Okay. (CAM enters.) CAM: Dr. Brennan, I need you to see some thing. (BRENNAN, CAM and ZACK walk to a screen to review evidence they've just found.) ZACK: Fracturing to Emma's sternum I concealed a malformation that became apparent once I finished reconstruction. A sternal feramin. BRENNAN: Emma Billings and Frank Curtis both shared a congenital abnormality. CAM: When Zach told me his findings, I decided to run DNA tests on the tissue samples from both victims. Multiple matching RFLPs. Our victims were related. If our murderer thought he killed Emma and her lover, he was very wrong. BRENNAN: He killed Emma and her father ACT FIVE (Cut to: Medico-Legal lab with ZACK, BRENNAN, and ANGELA.) ZACK: I've tested over 40 different knives, ice picks, leather awls. I couldn't find a murder weapon to match. BRENNAN: Well, with decomp and postmortem trauma from being rolled down the hill it's very difficult, Zach. ANGELA: Okay, this will help you visualize the pattern of the wounds. ZACK: Usually I can determine the weapon. This is a very frustrating murderer. ANGELA: I'm sure he'll apologize when we catch him. There are five puncture wounds to Frank's chest. ZACK:The result of repeated stabs by an unknown and very frustrating object. BRENNAN: Perhaps not. What if Frank Curtis had broader shoulders? Angela, move the scapuli apart slowly. A little more. ZACH: The wounds become equidistant. BRENNAN: You're probably looking for an instrument with multiple sharp pointed objects projecting from it. ZACK: A pitchfork. ANGELA: How'd you get pitchfork? ZACK: These three wounds mark the termination of a three-tine pitchfork's penetration. BRENNAN: Makes sense. ZACK: I'll go match the exact type and make. HODGINS: I've got results from the clothes. You were right. Same vegetable oil on both Frank and Emma's clothing. But I found a high concentration of methanol and sodium hydroxide mixed in. BRENNAN: So, the oil isn't from body products. HODGINS: No, it's from bio-diesel fuel. (Cut to: BRENNAN, BOOTH and ANGELA in the FBI SUV.) ANGELA: So your suspect is going to give me a description of your suspect? I'm not following. BOOTH: Yeah, the stoned hippie guy. He's all we have so far. I mean, he'll tell you what the guy looks like who went into Emma's place and then you draw. ANGELA: I've never really found stoned guys that dependable. Except for cookies. They always have good cookies. BRENNAN: You're grasping at straws, Booth. We should wait for more information. BOOTH: It has to be somebody in the composting facility. Uh, they have pitchforks to turn the heaps, don't they? BRENNAN: Pitchforks are used on every farm in the area. BOOTH: But not bio-diesel, okay? The owner, Gavin, said he just replaced a fuel pump on his truck when he switched to bio-diesel. BRENNAN: One of the other farmers also said that he just switched. And he has a key, he could've dumped the body the middle of the night BOOTH: I'm sorry, but whose side are you on? Uh, don't say the facts, because that just annoys me. BRENNAN: You want us to base our actions on your gut again? BOOTH Yes. You have your shiny machines, I have my gut. ANGELA: Is it always like this when you two are together? BRENNAN: Yes.; BOOTH: No. (Said simultaneously.) ANGELA: It's kind of hot. (Cut to: FBI investigation room with BRENNAN, BOOTH and ANGELA entering to NOEL, already in the room.) BOOTH: What the hell is he doing? BRENNAN: It's a Vedic chant. BOOTH: All right, Noel, let's go, on your feet. NOEL: A bass player taught it to me. I'm trying to calm myself, man. Emma's dead and I'm innocent. How many times do I have to tell you that? BOOTH All right, you know, Noel. Just want to ask you some more questions, that's all. NOEL: Who are the chicks? BOOTH: Hey, be respectful, be a gentleman. Let's go, up, up, up... Come on. There you go. That's it, okay. This here is Dr. Brennan. Angela Montenegro, she's an artist. NOEL: Cool. BOOTH: Yeah, groovy. BRENNAN: Did you see a truck parked outside Emma's apartment building last Wednesday? NOEL: How would I know? I mean, it's not like I kept a log of everyone going in and out of the building. BOOTH: Listen, Noel, you're the primary suspect in Emma's murder. So if you do not cooperate, you're looking at 20 solid years keeping tabs on your cell mate. NOEL: All right, fine. I remember a truck, it had a cool logo from some organic composting place. BRENNAN: We need to know who was driving the truck and if he went in to Emma's building. NOEL: What, you think I have bionic vision or something? BOOTH: No, but you got binoculars... they're in every starter stalker kit... so give Angela something to draw. NOEL: I like artists. ANGELA: I'll crush you like a bug, dude. Describe the guy. NOEL: Uh, he's a young dude, maybe 26, about my height, average, kind of buff, Caucasian, uh, brown hair, he was wearing sunglasses. Kind of looked like they were made out of wood or something. Far out, huh? Wood. Hey, do you guys have medical marijuana in DC? Because I get anxiety attacks. BOOTH Give Angela something to draw. NOEL: Um... he had a, uh, square jaw, um, straight nose, cute ears. (Cut to: compost yard, with numerous trucks and equipment. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and GAVIN LEE. BRENNAN is spraying to check for blood as BOOTH interrogates LEE.) LEE: Charlie Rogan got 'em from Frank Curtis. Why? What's going on? BOOTH: Why did Frank give Charlie a pair of sunglasses? LEE: No real reason-Frank wore 'em one day to pick up compost, Charlie admired 'em, so Frank gave 'em to him. He was like that. BOOTH: Can you think of any reason why Charlie would want Frank dead? LEE: Of course not--he's a good kid; he loved Frank. (BRENNAN walks up with a pitchfork in hand.) BRENNAN: This is the murder weapon. BOOTH: There you go. BRENNAN: Bag it. BOOTH: It seems like Charlie and Frank had a thing for the same girl. Charlie gets jealous, he gets into a fight with the girl, kills her, and then he goes after Frank's story. As old as time, my compost friend. (CHARLIE ROGAN walks up.) CHARLIE: Need something, Gavin? BOOTH: Yeah. Charles Rogan, you're under arrest for the murder of Frank Curtis and Emma Billings. (BOOTH begins to cuff Charlie.) CHARLIE: Oh, God, no. Th-This isn't what you think! Gavin, I didn't...I swear I didn't... LEE: Don't. Don't say a word, Charlie. CHARLIE: Gavin... (BRENNAN answers her phone, with CAM: on the other line.) BRENNAN: Cam, we've got the murder weapon used on Frank Curtis, plus evidence linking Charlie to the scene of Emma's murder. CAM: Yeah, well, I hate to throw ants in your picnic, but I recovered DNA from beneath Emma's fingernails...Charlie Rogan didn't attack Emma Billings. Her assailant was female. BOOTH: What is it? BRENNAN: Charlie didn't kill Emma. BOOTH: What? He was there. CAM: But there's more. I noticed some odd similarities, so I compared Emma's own DNA to that of her attacker. There was a 25% commonality. BRENNAN: Half sisters. It was Kat Curtis- she killed Emma. (Cut to: FBI interrogation room with BRENNAN, BOOTH and KAT CURTIS.) KAT: My father promised he'd stop fooling around. My mother was so humiliated. BRENNAN: So you went to Emma. KAT: I had the key. I was waiting for her. I scared her, I guess. BOOTH: And you fought. KAT: She fell. I never meant to hurt her. I just, I wanted my dad to end things. It just looked like she bumped her head. BRENNAN: But she was dead. (Cut to: FBI interrogation room with BRENNAN, BOOTH and CHARLIE ROGAN.) CHARLIE: Kat called. We were still friends. I knew she'd never hurt anyone. It was an accident. BOOTH: So you told Cat you'd get rid of Emma's body while her and her mother went out of town. BRENNAN: But you leave your sunglasses. CHARLIE: It's not like I'd done this before. BRENNAN: And Frank sees them the next time he goes to visit Emma. CHARLIE: He came at me, man, one night at work. Frank went nuts. Wanted to know why I was at his place, where Emma was. BOOTH: He had a pitchfork. CHARLIE: I was turning the compost when he was yelling at me. BOOTH: He knew what would happen to you and Kat if you found out. CHARLIE: He came at me. I didn't even know I'd done it. It was like someone else jabbed him with it. BRENNAN: But the body, Charlie, why'd you move Frank's body? (Cut to: FBI interrogation room with BRENNAN, BOOTH and KAT CURTIS.) KAT: For my mom, for the insurance. BOOTH: Of course, no payout without a body. (Cut to: FBI interrogation room with BRENNAN, BOOTH and CHARLIE ROGAN.) CHARLIE: So I tossed him where we knew he'd be found. (Cut to: FBI interrogation room with BRENNAN, BOOTH and KAT CURTIS.) KAT: Dad left everything to nonprofits. That insurance money was all my mom would have. BRENNAN: You did it for your mother? KAT: I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just...I wanted my mom to be happy. BRENNAN: Kat...your father wasn't having an affair with Emma. He'd had a relationship with her mother a long time ago. Emma Billings was his daughter. She was your half sister. KAT: What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no. Oh, my God, no! (Cut to: SWEETS' OFFICE with SWEETS, BRENNAN and BOOTH.) SWEETS: So, case finished? BRENNAN: Yes. SWEETS: Congratulations. BOOTH: Yeah. SWEETS: You don't seem too happy. BOOTH: Well, because sometimes, if you win, you end up with somebody else's pain and screwed-up life. You work for the FBI, you should know that. SWEETS: Must be a challenge for you to access those feelings. BRENNAN: Okay, stop. You don't know Booth. You don't know me, you have a limited view of us based on superficial data you've accumulated on a standardized questionnaire, and a subjective analysis from talking to us that is not at all scientific, so back off. SWEETS: Just trying to help. BRENNAN: By questioning his humanity? BOOTH: Okay, Bones, now you're going a little bit overboard. He's just a kid. Right? I mean, the worst thing that's probably ever happened to him was he lost at Mortal Kombat. SWEETS:Are you normally this protective of him, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: We are partners. Our lives depend on being protective of each other. SWEETS: And you feel the same way, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Sweets, I can only hope that one day you know what a real partnership is. SWEETS: You two are very close, that was evident in your superficial, standardized questionnaire and my unscientific observations. BOOTH Yeah? SWEETS: You complement each other. BOOTH: No, she never compliments me. Did you compliment me in the questionnaire? BRENNAN: "Complement," not "compliment." "Ple." He means that we complete each other, as a team. BOOTH: Yeah, right. SWEETS: Now, we've got a lot to work on over the next few months. BRENNAN: Meaning we get to stay together? SWEETS: Yes. BOOTH: I'm sensing a "but." SWEETS: However, BRENNAN: It's the same as "but." SWEETS: I have observed some underlying issues that need to be addressed. BOOTH: Issues? SWEETS: Yes. There's clearly a very deep emotional attachment between you two. BOOTH: We're just partners. SWEETS: And why do you think I would have thought otherwise? BOOTH: 'Cause you're 12. BRENNAN: Don't read into anything that Booth said. We're professionals. There's a line that doesn't even need to be there. BOOTH: Not at all, I mean, if there were no more murders, I would probably not even, you know, see her. BRENNAN: That's very true. BOOTH: Might have coffee. BRENNAN: Probably not. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: You wouldn't even have coffee with me? BRENNAN: Well, in your scenario, we wouldn't even know each other because there are no murders. BOOTH: Were. I said "no more murders." BRENNAN: Then fine. I mean, we could have a coffee. So that's clear, then? I mean, we'd have coffee and that's our relationship? Coffee. BOOTH: Yeah, let's move on. END.	Plan: A: a decomposed body; Q: What are Booth and Brennan called to investigate? A: an organic supermarket chain; Q: What was the founder of the body found on the grounds of an organic composting site the founder of? A: its unusually high temperature; Q: What was the body of the founder of an organic supermarket chain indicated to have been incinerated by? A: a double homicide; Q: What do Booth and Brennan discover when they find the flesh of another body? A: the first victim's daughter; Q: Who was the second victim? A: the FBI; Q: Who forces Booth and Brennan to undergo psychiatric counseling? A: Dr. Lance Sweets; Q: Who does the FBI force Booth and Brennan to see for psychiatric counseling? Summary: Booth and Brennan are called to investigate a decomposed body found on the grounds of an organic composting site. The body, belonging to the founder of an organic supermarket chain, was indicated by its unusually high temperature to have been incinerated. The team discovers a double homicide when flesh from another body is found, which turns out to have belonged to the first victim's daughter. Meanwhile, the FBI forces Booth and Brennan to undergo psychiatric counseling with Dr. Lance Sweets .
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Grissom walks through the hallway and meets up with Nick and Warrick.) Grissom: Fellas, another incident at Lolita's. Warrick: What now? Grissom: An erotic athlete claiming a 420-Z. The paramedics have her on a stretcher. (Grissom gives Warrick the assignment sheet. He turns and continues back through the hallway. We stay with Nick and Warrick a bit.) Nick: What the hell's an erotic athlete? Warrick: Well, I hope it's a tight end in a G-string. Nick: Nice. (Warrick and Nick leave. We follow Grissom, who continues through the hallway.) Grissom: Greg? Greg: (o.s.) Yeah. (Grissom walks up to Greg.) Grissom: (reads) 419 at Tagliferri's Restaurant on 8th Avenue. (Greg takes the assignment sheet from Grissom. In the back, Catherine turns the corner and heads their way.) Greg: (to Grissom) `All right. Thanks. I'm on it. (Catherine walks up to Grissom as Greg leaves.) Grissom: Cath? Catherine: Huh? Grissom: 415-B at the Ha-Ha-Ha. (She takes the assignment sheet from him and looks at it.) Catherine: What's the weapon? A Taser? Come on! Grissom: An angry clown got pissed at some heckler with clogged arteries, and it caused a heart attack. Catherine: So, Greg-O gets a hit at a mob restaurant, and I get a clown who can't take a joke? Grissom: Trust me, you don't want Greg's 419. (Catherine and Grissom walk over to Sara.) Sara: Hey. Catherine: Hey. (Catherine leaves. Grissom reads Sara's assignment.) Grissom: Hey. CDC needs someone out at the Omdi-Tech offices on Boulder Highway. I'm sure it's not hazardous, or they wouldn't let us collect it. (Sara takes her assignment sheet.) Sara: Okay. You coming with? (Grissom reads his own assignment.) Grissom: No, I'm spending the night in autopsy with the Lake Mead floater. (They walk past the lab doorway, Sara's voice fading as they pass.) Sara: Well, enjoy. That guy was putrid. Oh, by the way... [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -CONTINUOUS] (Hodges looks up from the paper in his hand. He sees Wendy in her lab across the hallway. He also sees Wendy step away from her lab.) (Hodges walks up to his lab doorway and looks around the halllway.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Hodges' phone beeps as he sends a message.) (Across the hallway in the A/V Lab, Archie's phone tone plays. He checks the message and turns to look at Hodges. Hodges nods.) (Another phone tone plays. Mandy looks at her message, then looks up at Hodges.) (In Henry's lab, his phone tone sounds - it's monkey laughter. He checks his message. It reads: 1. HODGES FWD: MEET ME IN GRISSOM'S OFFICE ASAP. TELL NO ONE. FROM: HODGES TO: HENRY (How mysterious.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS] (The camera pans across the table with the four miniature crime scenes in their respective see-through cases.) (Hodges, Mandy, Henry and Archie meet in Grissom's office.) Hodges: Four crime scene miniatures, four murder victims, and one diabolical killer with an obsessive streak who still remains at large. I don't know if any of you have noticed how distracted Grissom's been lately, but it's these. Keeping him up at night. (Hodges removes the padlock on the Izzy miniature crime scene.) Archie: You know the combination? Hodges: Of course. Grissom could use some fresh eyes on the case, and that's why I've asked you here. Obviously, this could be perceived as insulting to the CSIs who formerly worked the case, so secrecy is of the utmost importance. Double-down low. (Mandy uses her shoe as a phone.) Mandy: (in British accent) Oh, James, it's Moneypenny. M needs you back at HQ. Archie: Shoe phone was 'Get Smart,' though. Mandy: Oh, that's right. Henry: 99 was so hot. Archie: Mm. Hodges: Four people are dead, the killer is still out there, and you're mocking? Mandy: We're mocking you. Hodges: Ah. You in or out? Henry: I don't really know anything about these cases. Hodges: We'll review. Henry: I don't know. I have a lot of work to do. Hodges: And by work, you mean IM'ing your Icelandic pen pal who thinks that you look like Warrick Brown because that's the picture you posted. Henry: How ... ? Hodges: I just know. Archie, in? Archie: What the hell, but I got to leave early. I got a surfing trip in Santa Barbara this weekend. Hodges: Miss Mockery? Mandy: Well, we can't leave the lab, we can't talk to suspects. What exactly does Grissom wants us to do? Hodges: It's not always what you look at that matters; it's what you see. (Archie, Mandy and Henry step in closer.) Henry: That's Thoreau. Hodges: Oh, is it? Hmm. (Hodges opens the case with the Izzy crime scene in it.) Archie: Okay, professor. And your point would be? Hodges: The answers lie in these. (Hodges takes out the miniature out and puts it on the case cover.) Hodges: We're lab techs. We think differently than field guys. They deal with people, we deal with things. Maybe we can't find the killer, but I think we can find the thing that links all four murders. This is an opportunity. We have one shift to show Grissom what we're made of. Tonight, we could be heroes. Mandy: All right, all right. I'm in. (Hodges, Archie, Mandy and Henry lean forward and look at the miniature.) Hodges: It's time to think outside the box. SMASH TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [IZZY DELANCY'S MINIATURES] (Camera moves back through the first miniature of Izzy Delancy's kitchen - back through the counter full of miniature framed photos, bottles and mail. We continue to pull back through the kitchen table with a plate of breakfast and fork. We move down to the carpeting with a perfect blood pool under the miniature Izzy Delancy doll slumped on the table.) (A human eye appears through the miniature kitchen window as someone looks inside the box.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Hodges straightens.) Hodges: The first miniature was found at the crime scene seven months ago. (He turns as he carries a file folder. Archie, Mandy and Henry are also in the office.) Hodges: The victim is Izzy Delancy, washed-up rock star. Blunt force trauma to the back of the head. (Quick flash of: [Scene from 7X02: Built to Kill-2] Someone hits Izzy over the back of the head and he hits the table. End of flash.) (Hodges shows them the photo of the back of Izzy's head.) Hodges: Bonked with a rolling pin, found in the drawer at the scene. Henry: Stalker maybe? Hodges: Izzy didn't have any known stalkers, and there was no forced entry. Suspects include his first wife, his current wife, the nanny he was schtuping and his teenage son. Mandy: Motive thought to be sx? Hodges: And-or money. Izzy's music library was for sale. Mucho dinero to be gained. Mandy: So? Hodges: So ... nothing. Every suspect was exonerated. (He puts the file folder down and walks over to the miniature.) Hodges: All we were left with was this ... (Flash to: [Scene from 7X02: Built to Kill-2] Grissom and Sara examine the miniature crime scene.) Grissom: A perfect, half-inch scale model of the room. And assuming that the killer is the same person who made the miniature ... Sara: It would have taken weeks, maybe even months to create with this kind of detail. It certainly qualifies as premeditation. (Grissom takes a swab of the blood in the miniature. He tests it.) Grissom: It's real blood. The killer actually stuck around to match the blood pool at the scene. (End of flash.) (Archie starts to sit down in Grissom's chair when -- Hodges: Ah, ah, ah, ah! Archie: What? Hodges: What are you doing? Archie: Sitting. Hodges: No, no. You're tempting fate. You know how you should never try on someone else's engagement ring, hold the Oscar, use the excuse that your grandmother died when she didn't ... Mandy: (deadpans) I tried on Suzie Quinceworthy's diamond ring last year. It looked really good on her, and looked terrible on me. I don't think an emerald cut flatters my little ten-ies. (wistfully) Will I never marry? Henry: I'll marry you. Although, you know, my grandmother's still alive. She lives down in Boca. I don't know if you know this, but I am the shuffleboard champion of the Boca Surf and Sand. Mm. Ladykiller of the senior set. Mandy: Rock on. I can do an open marriage. Hodges: Why do you guys keep doing that? Mandy: (innocently) Do what? Archie: Hodges, relax, man. I don't want to run the lab. Hodges: We are guests in the man's office. If there was one person who was more respectful of space and boundaries, it's Grissom. (Mandy nods.) You could at least offer him the same courtesy. (Archie thinks about it and concedes.) (Henry stands up.) Henry: Wait. Is he okay with us being in here? Hodges: He said he'd be in Autopsy--won't be back for hours. (Henry glances at Mandy. Hodges continues.) Hodges: Anyway, they never solved Izzy Delancy's murder. Two months later, Penny Garden was found dead in her house. (TOP VIEW DOWN: The Penny Garden miniature.) Cue Sound: (PRE-LAP) THUNDER RUMBLES [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene from 7X07: Post Mortem] (A record plays, "Lollypop, Lollypop." Penny Garden opens a bottle of CHERRY HERRING liqueur. She coughs and pours herself a drink.) (She smokes her cigarette and drinks.) (Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles. She finishes her drink. She cuts a coupon and looks at it. She gets up.) [EXT. VIEW] (Through the covered windows, we see Penny Garden move awkwardly from one end of the room to the other where another shadow is. The two figures move together when - SMASH! Penny Garden crashes through the glass window.) FLASH TO: BACK TO SCENE. CU: Of the miniature Penny Garden slumped over the window frame. Mandy: Suspects included her ex-junkie nephew, who was living with her, and her drug-dealing neighbor, who was buying prescription meds from her. Obvious motives -- drugs and money. Henry: Did either of them have any connection to Izzy Delancy? Archie: No. CSIs didn't even realize this was a 'miniature' case until this was anonymously delivered to the scene the next day. Mandy: And why wasn't it left with the body like the other one? Hodges: Good question. Grissom and I really noodled over that one. FLASH TO: [Scene from 7x07: 'Post-Mortem'] (Grissom hands Hodges the scope.) Grissom: Look carefully at the back of the doll and at the pillow on the chair. There appears to be remnants of glue on both. Hodges: So the doll was originally glued to the back of the chair. Grissom: I think the killer expected the victim to die in this chair. INSERT: VISUALIZATION (The image of Penny Garden appears in the chair, drinking her liqueur.) (From above, Grissom visualizes what must've happened.) (As Penny Garden sits, the hooded intruder comes up from behind her.) Hodges: Well, if that's the case, then how did the killer expect to ... kill her? (Grissom continues visualizing Penny Garden sitting in the chair, drinking from her glass. The killer is behind her, waiting.) (Grissom reaches down and tries to pick up the miniature liqueur bottle from off the floor. It doesn't move. It's glued there.) Hodges: (V.O.) The killer knew that Penny was always stinko on Cherry Herring by coupon-clipping time, so ... VARIOUS FLASHES OF: The killer drips liquid nicotine to the liqueur. Penny pours herself a drink. Penny drinks. Henry: (V.O.) He laced her booze with liquid nicotine, which induced convulsions. (Penny gets up and staggers around the room.) (Penny bumps into the chair and staggers around.) Archie: (V.O.) And when she went all twitchy and through the window ... (Penny smashes into the window and slumps forward over the frame.) (Cut to: The killer moves the Penny doll from the chair to the window frame.) Mandy: (V.O.) The OCD killer had to match it with his mini, which is why it showed up late. END OF FLASHBACKS (Henry turns and sees Wendy appear in the door.) Henry: Red dog barks at midnight. (Everyone stops and turns to look at Wendy.) Wendy: What are you guys doing in here? (Hodges shakes his head.) Hodges: Nothing. Henry: Yeah. (Everyone innocently takes their file folder and heads for the door. They leave the office. Hodges stops in front of Wendy.) Wendy: All right, freakboy, your phone has been ringing off the hook, so I finally answered it, and Warrick and Nick said they have a ton of trace, and they really need you to clear the decks. Hodges: No problem. After you. Wendy: After you. (Hodges leaves the office.) (We hold on Wendy.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Robbins and Grissom are in front of a body on a table.) Robbins: Hmm. Irides Brown. No apparent puncture wounds, abrasions or lacerations. COD appears to be drowning. Grissom: We did pull him out of Lake Mead, you know. Robbins: Right. Based on decomp, I'd put TOD around 48 hours ago. (An assistant coroner pulls a headless body on a table into the room. David Phillips appears at the end of the table, pushing it through the door.) Grissom: Where's his head, David? David Phillips: They haven't found it yet. Grissom: (scoffs) Day shift. (Robbins laughs.) (Grissom watches as Robbins cuts into the torso. As he reaches the stomach area, the area under the skin moves. Grissom leans forward intently.) Grissom: Uh-oh. He's got gas. Phew. Robbins: Yeah, he's going to be a stinker. You want a mask? Grissom: No, I'm all right. (Robbins completes the cut. The skin continues to move.) Robbins: What the hell? (As they watch, a rat bursts out through the skin. It lands on the table with a PLOP!) Robbins: (screams) Rat! (Grissom grabs a metal pan and tries to cover the rat, misses and smashes the glass and samples on the table.) (The rat scampers to the floor and runs. Robbins tries to stab at it with his crutch. He misses. The rat runs across the floor.) Robbins: Get 'im! Get 'im! (Grissom runs after the rat. The rat escapes out the partially opened door.) Grissom: Oh. (Too late! Grissom stops. He turns and looks at Robbins.) Robbins: (sarcastic) Nice work. Grissom: At least I tried to get him. Where were you? Robbins: I hate rats. (Glass shatters and someone screams from the next room.) (As Grissom runs out, we -- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- NIGHT] (Warrick takes out the many, many print cards and puts them on the table in front of Mandy.) Mandy: Wow. Don't bother being discerning. Warrick: Hey, what can I say? Erotic athletes are kind of gratuitous with the hands. And lube on latex leaves excellent ridge detail. What's with the, uh, blast from the past? You got new evidence on the miniatures? (He points to the open file on Mandy's table. She casually closes the file.) Mandy: Um, just refiling some stuff. Uh, G-on-G action. It's not really a big question as to who did it, is it? Warrick: One ring, six women. Ursula Major claims Ursula Minor was responsible for the pile drive. Only you, my dear, will know for sure. Have fun. (He turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - NIGHT] (Hodge looks at the pink bikini in the evidence bag.) Hodges: Is that condensation? Nick: Oh, no, it's-it's lube ... I think. Yeah, these bikinis are from the erotic athletes at Lolita's bar. This woman, Lucy Pavorotti, broke her neck flipping around up there. Well, now she's suing everybody. Hodges: Okay. I'm on it. (Hodges turns away to get on it.) Nick: Nothing? Hodges: What? Nick: Nothing at all? I'm all ready for "Luscious Lucy likey Lolita's lubey." Or something. Hodges: Every man is not an end but a beginning. Today I rise above and step up. Have a nice day. Nick: Good point. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you about something you might be interested in. The Forensic Academy has their conference in June. (Hodges' cell phone buzzes. He checks his message: 1. HENRY WENDY'S HERE !!!!!!!! From: Henry To: Hodges (Hodges turns back to Nick and nods. Actually, he's really nodding at Henry and Archie with Wendy in the lab behind Nick. Henry looks expectantly at Hodges wanting him to do something to get them out of this situation.) Nick: -- and I'm going to be speaking on fieldwork. But the thing about it is, man, I'm just no good when it comes to IR trace technology. (Hodges nods. Henry looks trapped. Wendy and Archie are looking through a file folder.) Nick: (cont) But now you ... you are. Hodges: Oh. Nick: So ... what do you think? It's in Iowa. Which is ... as fun as you want to make it, but ... (Hodges is trapped in his office while he tries to see what's going on in Archie's lab.) [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - CONTINUOUS] (Wendy and Archie look through the file folders.) Wendy: So according to this, a month after Penny Garden's murder, Grissom investigated an electrocution at the Mannleigh chicken plant. FLASH TO: [Scenes from 7X10: Loco Motives] (The killer pulls the switch down. Raymundo Suarez is electrocuted in water.) Wendy: (V.O.) The victim was Raymundo Suarez, early 30s, a nighttime janitor. (Flash to: Grissom and Greg look around the crime scene.) Wendy: (V.O.) It looked like a possible industrial accident, or maybe even a workplace homicide. Right up until they found the perfect half-inch scale cast metal mini. (Grissom finds the miniature.) INSERT: VIEW OF THE MINIATURE END OF FLASHBACKS (Archie nods.) Archie: Suspects included the boss, Ike Mannleigh. (Quick flash of Bubbles and Raymundo are kissing among the chickens.) Archie: (V.O.) Raymundo was sleeping with his wife, Bubbles. (End of flashback.) Henry: I can't even do it with my cat watching. Wait. sx, drugs, rock and roll. Do you think it's a pattern? Wendy: No, 'cause according to this, sx may not have actually been the issue. Yeah, Ike Mannleigh was exonerated, and another co-worker, Ernie Dell, he looked good for all of the murders. Henry: Yeah, that's right, he was caught on tape in an animal rights PSA made by Izzy Delancy. Archie: Yes, he was. (Archie shows them the PSA on the monitor. He fast-forwards to some footage of Ernie Dell abusing the chickens.) Archie: Look at this. Wendy: Ew. Archie: Yeah, tell me about it. I had to scan this thing for hours. I haven't been able to eat chicken since. Anyway, Ernie Dell was really into model trains. You know, the way a serial killer's really into pets. (Quick flash of: A miniature man on a rooftop ready to jump off a building. The miniature train runs. On the ground below is a miniature body on the sidewalk in a pool of blood.) (Another part of the miniature train set shows a gang beating up a bloodied miniature person. The miniature train set circles around the entire room.) (There is a graveyard with a grim reaper holding a bloodied scythe.) (There is a blue car smashed into a pole. A bloodied miniature body hangs out of the hood. There's blood on the car and on the ground nearby.) (There are more violent scenes of miniature people killing other miniature people.) (Brass finds the miniature molds in the basement.) Archie: (V.O.) So when CSIs went to his house, they found these molds for all these creepy little things ... (Cut to: Grissom takes a pot from the miniature and matches it to a mold.) Archie: (V.O.) ... some of which matched pieces from the Izzy Delancy miniature. (Cut to: A side-by-side SCOPE VIEW of the two pots. They match.) BACK TO SCENE. (Archie shows more footage from 7X07: Post Mortem.) Archie: Ernie was caught on some neighborhood watch surveillance video delivering the mini to Penny Garden's house. Henry: This guy can't stay away from a camera. Archie: You don't know how right you are. He confessed on live video, e-mailed it directly to Grissom. (Archie plays the video for them.) Ernie Dell: (from video) My name is Ernest Edward Dell. I was born in 1946 in Ames, Iowa. (He fast-forwards the video.) Ernie Dell: (from video) ... spend any amount of time around people, you get your heart broke. OFF HENRY: Ernie Dell: (from video) Treachery. OFF ARCHIE: Ernie Dell: (from video) Hypocrisy. OFF WENDY: Ernie Dell: (from video) The promise of love. (They continue to watch the video.) Ernie Dell: (from video) A man could kill from sunup to sunset and still his work would never be done. (On the video, Ernie takes the gun, puts it under his chin and fires.) (Hodges appears in the doorway behind them.) Hodges: Wendy? Could I speak with you a moment? Wendy: Sure. (She hands the folder to Henry and leaves the lab.) [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (Hodges and Wendy step out into the hallway.) Hodges: This is exactly why I didn't invite you to join us. You take over everything. Wendy: Uh ... Hodges: Grissom asked me to gather some techs to review the 'miniature' cases. Like a think tank. Wendy: Yeah, I know, they told me. So, kudos to you. Hodges: I hand selected them with careful consideration to group dynamics. Wendy: Well, I can see that. I mean, it's you and your back-up singers. You're Davy Hodges and the Lemmings. You should take your act on the road. Henry: (o.s.) We can hear you. Wendy: Look, the only reason that you don't like me is because I actually stand up to you. Which, by the way, is exactly what you need. You know I would be good at all this 'miniature' stuff. Hodges: That's not the only reason. Wendy: Really? Okay, what is it? Hodges: You think you're too cool. Wendy: Oh, my God. What are we, 12? Hodges: I don't know, are we? Wendy: I don't know, are we? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT (Grissom follows David Phillips and Robbins through the hallway.) Grissom: It's just a rat, fellas. Why are you wearing the HazMat gear? (Phillips points to Robbins.) David Phillips: He made me do it. Robbins: It's a wild animal covered with potentially biohazardous material with claws. Rabies, scabies, AIDS, hepatitis. I'm thinking of this suit as a giant rubber glove. (Robbins and Grissom turn and head into the autopsy room.) [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - CONTINUOUS] (Grissom puts the intestines on the table.) Robbins: The vic's intestines? What are you doing? Grissom: Rats are neophobic -- they fear the new. We stand a better chance of catching him by giving him what he's used to. (Grissom cuts off a piece of the intestines and uses it as bait to bait the traps.) (They hear the rat scratching, squealing and thumping in the room.) Robbins: Pestilence, alive and well. (The lights power off and the back-up kicks in.) Grissom: (ominously) I think he's onto us, Doc. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene from 7X16: 'Monster in a Box'] (A view of the Las Vegas City lights can be seen out the window. A fire flickers in the fireplace. A black cat meows and runs across the floor.) Henry: (V.O.) Miniature number four was another home, a unit in a high-rise condo, complete with a working fireplace ... and a dead cat. (We pan around the condo - -- around the darkened room. There are miniature flowers in the miniature vases. Paper scrunching is heard and a light shines down on the room as the box is finally opened.) Henry: (V.O.) But the MO on this one was full of anomalies. (The camera swings around and lingers on a LAS VEGAS GLOBE newspaper on the desk with the headline, "Another Body Found!") Henry: (V.O.) It was sent to the Crime Lab shortly after Ernie Dell's suicide, but before the murder had actually been committed. (The paper crunching continues. Camera swings around the miniature desk and pulls back from the miniature chair. Light shines from above as Grissom lifts the lid to the room.) (He can't believe his eyes and stares at the latest diorama.) Henry: (V.O.) And the really weird part was the package was addressed directly to Grissom. BACK TO SCENE. (Wendy, Hodges and Henry are in the room reviewing the case files.) Wendy: But why, to taunt him? Like suddenly it's personal? (Henry shakes his head. Hodges steps forward with the open file.) Hodges: The intended victim was Barbara Tallman, a therapist. But we got there first. PD set up a sting which resulted in the death of an undercover officer, while a roomful of detectives watched. Henry: Oy. Hodges: Again, the killer knew the habits of the victim. This one always took an afternoon nap. (Quick flash to: Grissom looks through the miniature through the SCOPE.) Hodges: (V.O.) Based on her position on the couch, the CSIs thought that the intended cause of death might be suffocation or poisoning. (Cut to: Nick checks under the fireplace vent.) Hodges: (V.O.) But they found something else instead. (Cut to: Grissom is looking at a miniature timer set up under the miniature fireplace vent.) (Cut to: Nick finds the timer set up under the fireplace flue.) Henry: (V.O.) Yeah, here, it looks like the killer put some kind of gizmo on the flue. See, the timer went off, activated a motor, which sealed the flap and dropped powdered charcoal onto the fire, producing carbon monoxide. So the fumes had nowhere to go but out into the apartment and into the undercover officer. BACK TO SCENE. (Wendy shakes her head. Someone knocks on the glass. Henry, Wendy and Hodges turn and see Archie putting on his hat.) Archie: Later, Betties. Hodges: Quitter. Archie: Glory whore. (Archie leaves. Wendy smiles and looks at Hodges.) Wendy: Who were the suspects? Hodges: Somebody directly connected with Ernie ... somebody worth killing himself for. They interviewed his son Lionel. Looks like Lionel Dell knew Barbara Tallman. (Hodges reviews the transcript of the interview.) Mitch Douglas: (V.O.) Okay, so maybe I met her, so what? Sofia: (V.O.) So, she's dead. (Quick flashback to: [Scene from 7X16: Monster in a Box] Sofia interviews Mitch Douglas, aka Lionel Dell.) Sofia: That's four stiffs associated with you, Lionel. Five, if you count Ernie. Mitch Douglas: I don't. Sara: You know, you keep saying that you hated your dad, but I'm not buying it. You go through your life alone, you're good with your hands, you have weird hobbies, you make little things. And when that gets tricky ... you call your father. Mitch Douglas: Let me tell you about Ernie. What he cared about in his life was ... his wife, his trains, and his kids, in that order. Sara: Kids? You're an only child. (He chuckles.) Mitch Douglas: Again, if only. If you're looking for a love connection, then you should maybe go talk to one of the chosen ones. Sofia: What are you talking about? Mitch Douglas: Fosters. (Cut to: Home video footage of Ernie with kids.) Mitch Douglas: (V.O.) My parents had, like, dozens. They'd come and go, some before I was born. My mom loved kids. Dad loved Mom. I guess, as soon as I came around, the love ran out. BACK TO SCENE. (Wendy looks at the photo of Lionel Dell.) Wendy: I had a friend who tried to reconnect with some of her old foster siblings. And honestly, it's next to impossible. The system protects minors, they change their names, and some of them just fall right off the map. Hodges: Well, the only link we have is a disposable cell phone number. Henry: Calls made to all four victims? Hodges: Mm-hmm. And additional minutes purchased on the phone with Ernie Dell's credit card after his death. (Hodges shows the bill and the number flashes: 702-555-0192.) Wendy: Yeah, online billing. You can just keep spending and paying until the card expires. So what happened when they called the number? (Hodges doesn't answer.) Wendy: They did call the number, right? Hodges: I'm sure they did. (He flips through the file folder.) (Wendy grabs Hodges phone and dials.) Hodges: What are you doing? Wendy: Shh. (The line rings.) Computerized Voice: Leave a message after the tone. (beep) (Hodges grabs the phone and closes it.) Hodges: Nice one, Simms. Now they have my cell phone number. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT] (Henry, Wendy and Hodges are in the break room. The crime scene photos are a mess on the table.) Henry: Well, the victims don't have much in common, so I say we go metaphoric. Hypocrisy. Wendy: Yeah, I get it. There's Izzy the vegan eating bacon; Penny, the cigarette-smoking cancer patient; Raymundo, the church-going adulterer; and Barbara, the overmedicated shrink. (Hodges gets his brown lunch bag and sits down.) Hodges: This is the United States of America. Hypocrisy is the new national anthem. Forget it. Stretching. Grissom said they checked for commonalities between victims and got nowhere. I was reading an article in the JFS about literary forensics. They use a computer program to analyze documents to determine authorship. (Henry watches as Hodges puts three packages of chips on the table.) Hodges: For instance, when the book Primary Colors was first published anonymously, people knew it was one of Clinton's speech writers, so they compared word usage and phrasing with the writers on his staff and discovered who'd probably written it. I say we look at the work to find the author. Try to figure out who it is by what message they're trying to send. (They stare at him.) Hodges: What? Wendy: That was a very good idea. Hodges: Well, I have one occasionally. (They smile at each other. Henry glances between them.) Henry: Okay. Look, clearly the killer is into signatures, right? I mean, the miniatures themselves are signatures, and then within each miniature, they all have this doll thing. Hodges: That creepy little Sally. Wendy: Well, we're working under the assumption that the killer was a foster kid, right? With probably an abusive childhood. So a bloody baby doll? I mean, it's really not that much of a stretch to say that the doll represents the killer. Hodges: Grissom had something on that. (reads) "Freud's Theory of the Uncanny raises the point that as children, we want the doll to come to life, but as adults, we are terrified by the idea. Doll could represent the uncanny that is feared, the Sandman." Wendy: Right. Or exactly what I just said. Henry: So, we're looking for an obsessive, meticulous, dark-ass misanthrope who seeks recognition for his efforts. (Hodges meticulously places one carrot stick on each bag of potato chips. He straightens the packages.) (Wendy and Henry turn and look at Hodges.) (Hodges doesn't even look at them.) Hodges: When would I find the time? I'm always here. (Henry chuckles.) Henry: Can I have a chip? Hodges: No. Wendy: (smiling) Here. (Wendy gives Henry her bag of chips.) Henry: Thank you. Wendy: You're welcome. (Hodges bites into a carrot stick. Henry looks at Hodges.) Henry: All the miniatures have food. (Quick flashback to: Izzy is sitting at the table when the killer hits Izzy on the back of his head. He falls face forward onto the table - right in front of his breakfast plate.) Henry: (V.O.) Eggs ... (Cut to: Penny Garden's Cherry Herring Liqueur bottle as she pours herself a glass.) Henry: (V.O.) Booze ... (Cut to: Barbara Tallman pours herself a cup of tea before she takes a nap.) Henry: (V.O.) Tea and cookies ... (The cat jumps on the table and drinks from the milk container.) Henry: (V.O.) ... milk ... (Cut to: Bubbles Mannleigh and Raymundo Suarez are kissing passionately in the chicken factory.) Henry: (V.O.) And a chicken? (End of flashbacks.) Wendy: But is it considered food if it's still alive and clucking? Henry: You've never lived in Pennsylvania. Hodges: I think if the killer is trying to make some sort of anti-food statement, there are much better places in Vegas to do it. Henry: Like blowing up a buffet. Wendy: Yeah. Gluttons eating crab legs. That's exactly where I'd start. (Henry chuckles.) (Hodges cell phone buzzes. Everyone stops laughing and stares at the phone.) Henry: Did you guys see 'Scream'? (The phone continues to buzz. Hodges answers it.) Hodges: (in a low voice, to phone) Hello? (Everyone stops and waits with anticipation.) Hodges: (to phone) Oh, hi, Catherine. Have I seen Wendy? (Wendy gets up and reaches for the phone as Hodges continues talking.) Hodges: (to phone) Uh, no. She hasn't been at her desk all day long. Wendy: Give me ... (She grabs the phone from him.) Hodges: (to phone) Here, let me look for her. Oh, oh, wait, here she is. Wendy: (whispers) Loser. (louder, to phone) Hey, Catherine, what's up? (Wendy rushes out of the break room and through the hallway.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY] (Catherine is on the phone in the hallway.) Catherine: Hey, you said you were gonna rush DNA off that Taser that I checked in. [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - CONTINUOUS] (Wendy enters her lab to get the results on the computer.) Wendy: Yeah, I did. And the blood on the Taser tips did match your heart attack victim, but I also found a second male contributor, who's probably your suspect. (Catherine walks over to the interview room. Through the window we see Brass inside interviewing a clown.) Catherine: Run the unknown against the semen that I found on the clown wig from my Peeping Tom case last month. (The clown in the interview room gets up and runs to the door.) Wendy: Um, okay. Why? Catherine: Let's just say I got a real good hunch about this one. (Catherine hangs up just as the clown reaches the door and finds it locked.) BAMM! HONK! (Brass catches up with the suspect at the door and smashes his face against the glass, causing the yellow-haired, dress-wearing clown's red nose to honk - right in front of Catherine.) Brass: Who's the big clown now, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (Henry studies the Izzy Delancy miniature.) Henry: What about music? Izzy has gold records, Penny had a record player, Barbara had high-end stereo equipment. Hodges: Yeah, but what about the chicken plant? Henry: The squeals of dying chickens? Hodges: No go, amigo. Henry: What about flowers? The flower delivery guy might have access to the space. Hodges: Well, I see flowers in Penny's and Barbara's, but not Izzy's. Henry: Flour canister? Hodges: Stop that. Besides, I don't think the slaughterhouse would be into the lobby bouquet. Henry: What about mail? Hodges: A crazed postal worker. Wouldn't be the first time. Henry: There's mail on the counter, mail on the floors, mail on the desk ... no mail in the henhouse. Hodges: Maybe they have puns in common. Henry: Look, if this is really about the killer trying to reveal something, is there anything that's gotten more in-your-face with each successive miniature? Hodges: Well, the way he kills has certainly gotten more complicated. Blunt force trauma to poison to electrocution to a timed booby trap of carbon monoxide in the fireplace. Henry: What about newspaper? Starts out on the counter, then all over the floor, then with the doll, as the headline. That's bolder and bolder. Hodges: No, you see, again, there's no newspaper in the chicken plant, not even shredded in the cages. Henry: Okay, buzz kill. You come up with a theory. Hodges: Hey, it's not me, it's the chicken plant. That's the streak-breaker. Henry: Well, then, maybe we should start with that one and work our way out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - HALLWAY] (Grissom and Robbins are still searching for the rat. Grissom walks up to the electrical box.) Grissom: Can you smell that? Robbins: Yes. Grissom: You shouldn't be able to smell that through your suit. Robbins: Good to know. (Grissom opens the box and smoke comes out from the burned wiring. Grissom closes the door for a moment as he removes the screws holding the door in place.) Grissom: Did you know that rodents have skeletons with flexible joints? Robbins: No. Grissom: If they can get their head through something, the rest of their body can contort to fit. They can crawl into spaces as small as a quarter. (Grissom removes the door.) Robbins: (mutters) Lousy varmints. (They find the rat dead and burned in the box.) Robbins: bst*rd hit the main line. Grissom: That's not the only thing he's got in his mouth. (There's something stuck in the dead rat's mouth.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Grissom watches as Robbins performs an autopsy on the dead rat. Robbins cuts open the rat's stomach and takes out a piece of a capsule.) Grissom: What is it? Robbins: My guess would be black tar heroin. Grissom: Looks like the rat ate the mule. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - NIGHT] (Hodges uses the scope and looks at the Mannleigh chicken factory miniature crime scene. Henry's getting nervous.) Henry: Okay, look, we gave it a try. There's nothing in this thing but machinery. Let's just put it back. Hodges: Relax. (He continues using the scope and comes across a miniature white barrel with blood on it.) Hodges: What's this? (He knocks the miniature barrel off its spot on the floor. Oops! Henry's jaw drops.) (Wendy rushes into the room.) Wendy: You freaking broke it! That's destroying evidence. Hodges: I can fix it. (Greg appears in the doorway behind them.) Greg: Have any of you guys seen Grissom? (Hodges, Henry and Wendy immediately turn around and block Greg's view of the miniature crime scene on the table.) (Greg is in blue overalls with spaghetti on the front.) Hodges: Some garlic bread? Nice Chianti, maybe? Greg: Kiss my ass. I'd like to see you crawl around in a dumpster determining the difference between blood and marinara sauce with six mobster goons giving you the stink eye. Henry: Wouldn't know anything about that. We're holed up in a lab all day. Greg: What are you guys doing? (Greg doesn't wait for an answer.) You know, forget it. I don't even care. I need to go take a shower. Would one of you please call Janitorial and have them clean my Denali? Wendy: Sure. (Greg hands Henry a sample container.) Greg: Oh, and, uh, we think the killer might have threw up in the alley. Full panel. Enjoy. (Greg leaves. Henry steps away from his position in front of the miniature crime scene. He holds up the container to Hodges.) Henry: Got to go. Good luck. (He leaves.) (Wendy and Hodges examine the miniature white barrel with a magnifying glass.) Wendy: "NaOCl." Hodges: Bleach. Wendy: There was bleach at the Izzy Delancy scene. (Quick flash of: Grissom opens the garbage drawer and finds an empty container of bleach.) Hodges: (V.O.) And in the vase water at Barbara Tillman's condo. (Cut to: Grissom shines the lamp on the miniature flowers and they die.) Wendy: (V.O.) Why? Hodges: (V.O.) Put a few drop in the water, helps kill bacteria keeps the flowers blooming a long time. Put too much bleach, flowers die. (End of flash.) Wendy: What about Penny? Hodges: Okay. You stay here. I'm going to switch this out for the Penny Garden. (Wendy doesn't like it.) Wendy: No, you know what? No. (Hodges picks up the miniature.) Wendy: Look, this entire thing has turned into a three-ring circus, 'cause every time we get something, something else just comes along and proves us wrong. And, honestly, I think you've lost your damn mind. I mean, what makes you think if the CSIs can't solve this, that we can? Seriously. I'm a little tired of your delusions of grandeur. And I'm way behind in work, and I'm sick of sneaking around. So that's it. I'm out. (Wendy takes a step to leave the room, but Hodges is in her way. They both take a step to the side, then another step to the side. Finally, Wendy holds Hodges in place while she walks around him. She finally leaves the room.) (Hodges exhales.) (And he's left holding the miniature.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM / DNA LAB-- NIGHT] (Hodges is sitting alone at the break room table.) (In the DNA lab, Wendy watches him.) (Sara walks up to Wendy.) Sara: Hey. Wendy: Hey. Sara: Here you go. I checked under the keys. Crusty white stains, pale blue under ALS. Wendy: Semen, huh? What made you check under the keys? Sara: A butt print on the credenza. Wendy: Yeah, okay, that's gross. Sara: CDC contacted us, because the whole office has a herpes simplex 1 outbreak, and nobody could figure out why. I guess you never really know what's going on in your office. (Wendy stops Sara from leaving.) Wendy: Hey, Sara? Is it true that the 'miniature' cases have been keeping Grissom up at night? Sara: How would I know? Wendy: I just thought that maybe you guys all talk about this it, and ... Hodges told me that Grissom confided in him and ... You know what? Never mind. Just forget I even asked. Sara: Well, listen, I-I don't know what Hodges has been telling you, but ... do you really think that Grissom would confide in him? About anything? Wendy: No. Of course not. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (Hodges sits at the break room table with three bags of chips in front of him. Wendy storms into the room.) Wendy: You are a liar and an ass. I mean, if you want to go running around like Sir Galahad, just yanking swords willy-nilly, that is totally your business. But you put all of us at risk here. (Hodges gathers his three bags of chips and gets up to leave the room.) Hodges: I think we might be onto something with the bleach. Wendy: Hey! Stop! Archie and Henry gave up a full day's work thinking that they were doing something to help Grissom. And Grissom never even asked you to do this in the first place. Hodges: Technically, all I said to them was that Grissom needed our help, which is true. I only lied to you. Wendy: Aren't you worried about your own caseload? Hodges: I've trained them all to believe that the laser ablater and mass spec take twice as long as they actually do. Wendy: Oh, my God. I cannot believe you. I can't believe that, for half a second, I actually thought that I might ... Hodges: You what? Wendy: Nothing. What on God's green earth possessed you to do this? (He looks down at his chips.) Hodges: It's my lucky day. Wendy: What? (He looks at Wendy.) Hodges: It's my lucky day. (Quick flash to: [EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY] Hodges is walking outside when he looks down and finds a dollar bill on the sidewalk. He looks around, then picks the bill up. He puts it in his pocket and continues walking.) (He looks up and sees a beautiful blonde walking out of the building. He smiles at her - she smiles back at him. Hodges continues to the building.) (Cut to: Hodges puts the bill in the vending machine and gets a bag of LUCKY chips. He reaches down to get the chips and a SECOND bag of chips falls - then a THIRD bag of chips also falls.) (Hodges picks up the three bags of LUCKY chips out of the vending machine.) (Cut to: [INT. LAB] Hodges walks into the lab. He checks his mail and finds something flashing at him. He checks the BARTER BARRELL.COM site and finds that "THE ITEM YOU BID ON IS YOURS!". It's for a "Three's Company Board Game," Item Hodges: (happy) Yes! (The test he's running finishes. He goes to the printer and checks the results: MATCH FOUND 1 IN 600 BILLION. ) (Hodges smiles.) Sara: (o.s.) Well, enjoy. (Sara and Grissom walk past his lab door.) Sara: That guy was putrid. Oh, by the way, you left the miniatures unlocked. Grissom: Yeah, I've been looking at those a lot lately. (That gets Hodges' attention. They walk past. Hodges looks up and over at Wendy's lab. Wendy finishes and walks away.) Hodges: (o.s.) When you walked away-- (End of flashbacks.) Hodges: -- it was like the stars aligned. It was my lucky day. Wendy: Lucky? You're a scientist. Hodges: I was trying to help Grissom. Wendy: Oh, come on. If Gil Grissom were here, he'd slap your face. (Wendy walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - RECEPTION / HALLWAY - DAY] (Grissom shows Sofia the photo of the body he's working on.) Sofia: Yeah, I recognize him. His street name's Ralo Perez. He's a drug runner for the Jamaican mob. According to sources, he was skimming, swallowing a couple balloons for personal use. He dropped out of sight a couple of weeks ago. Grissom: He dropped into Lake Mead. Sofia: Well, that's one off my desk. Grissom: Well, I'll get the drugs to Tox, and we'll wrap this up. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PENNY GARDEN MINIATURE] (Hodges visualizes himself standing in the Penny Garden's miniature. He walks over to the table and picks up an open carton of Chinese food. He smells it, then puts it back on the table as he looks around.) (He picks up an empty flower pot and looks at it. He puts it back down and looks around at the coupon clippings on the floor, the items on the counter, the chair where Penny was supposed to die.) (He goes back to looking at the coupon clippings on the floor. He kneels down and finds a single coupon wadded into a ball. He picks it up and opens it.) (Hodges smiles.) (The room around him darkens as something blocks the light.) REVERSE MINIATURE HODGES' POV: Giant Grissom looms over him. Grissom: This better be good, Dave. [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Hodges is in Grissom's office looking through the Penny Garden miniature using an eyepiece attached to goggles. Hodges looks at Grissom.) Hodges: Bleach. Grissom: What? (Hodges removes the goggles.) Hodges: I found a common element in all four miniatures ... bleach. There's a bottle of it in the trash at Izzy's; there's a barrel of it at the chicken plant, there's, uh, bleach in the flower water at Barbara's condo, and now ... (Hodges gives Grissom the crumpled miniature bleach coupon and magnifying glass.) Hodges: -- a bleach coupon in Penny's. (Grissom looks at the coupon.) Hodges: This-this may sound crazy, but if the killer is a housekeeper or a janitor, they would certainly know the ins and outs of each location, uh, what goes in what drawer, what book on what bookshelf. Hours of operation, habits, schedules. I've thought a lot about the killer's pathology, and there doesn't seem to be any regular interval between murders, which makes me think that they're triggered by something. Maybe ... maybe the killer is triggered by bleach. (Grissom thinks about it.) Grissom: The bellows. Hodges: I'm sorry? Grissom: James Tilly Matthews. Early 19th century London. Matthews was in Bedlam Hospital awaiting trial. Doctors were trying to determine his sanity. Several interviewed him. Half thought he was sane, half insane. Turns out he was perfectly normal ... except when someone mentioned politics. At that point, he'd go into a rage about the little men who lived underground and used a bellows to push thoughts into his mind, as well as the minds of Parliament and the Queen. A specific object or word that triggers the urge to kill. That's a form of delusional psychosis. Rare, but does exist. Hodges: If the killer is one of Ernie Dell's foster kids, maybe bleach played a role in some sort of childhood abuse. He's getting back at the world for what they did to him. Grissom: Well, if having bleach in your home is the common element among victims ... then anyone can be next. Hodges: Did the victims use a common cleaning service? Grissom: Not that we know of. However, it's not unusual for people with these pathologies to become vocal toward the institutions that they feel propagate the trigger. Hodges: Maybe we could call bleach-manufacturing companies and see if they've received any hate mail. Grissom: Cross-reference correspondence with Vegas postmarks. Might be able to narrow down neighborhoods. (He stops.) Good job, Hodges. (Hodges blushes.) Grissom: Really. (Hodges sighs.) Grissom: Now ... do you mind? (Grissom motions for Hodges to get out of his seat.) Hodges: Absolutely ... (Hodges gets up and heads for the door. He stops.) Hodges: I ... I'm sorry if I crossed the line. It won't happen again. (Hodges smiles. He turns and leaves the office.) [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (Hodges smiles and punches the air with success. After all, it is his lucky day.) (Hodges gives a little hop for joy as he continues through the hallway. He turns the corner, vanishes from sight, and we --	Plan: A: Grissom; Q: Who sends the team out with new cases? A: the evening; Q: When does Grissom go to autopsy? A: Hodges; Q: Who takes over Grissom's office while he's gone? A: the miniature killer case; Q: What case does Hodges believe Grissom wants them to work on? A: a connection; Q: What does Hodges discover that helps Grissom? Summary: Grissom sends the team out with new cases and goes to spend the evening in autopsy. While he's gone, Hodges takes over his office and assembles a team leading them to believe that Grissom wants them to work on the miniature killer case. While most of his team eventually quits, Hodges does discover a connection that helps Grissom.
The TARDIS materialises in Cardiff in front of the water tower in Roald Dahl Plass. The Doctor is at the console, Martha watching. DOCTOR: Cardiff. MARTHA: Cardiff? DOCTOR: Ah, but the thing about Cardiff is that it's built on a rift in time and space-just like California and the San Andreas Fault. The rift bleeds energy. Every now and then I need to open up the engines, soak up the energy and use it as fuel. MARTHA: So it's a pit stop. DOCTOR: Exactly. We see someone running through the Plass. MARTHA: Wait a minute. They had an earthquake in Cardiff a couple years ago. Was that you? DOCTOR: Bit of trouble with the Slitheen. The runner is revealed to be Captain Jack Harkness. [Spin-off Torchwood]. DOCTOR: Long time ago. Lifetimes. I was a different man back then. JACK (drawn out): Doctor! Nears the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Finito. All powered up. Jack appears on the TARDIS monitor. The Doctor sees him and a look of panic appears on his face. He starts the TARDIS. Jack leaps. Inside the TARDIS the console sparks and the Doctor and Martha are thrown to the floor. MARTHA (clings to console): What's that? DOCTOR: We're accelerating into the future. The year one billion. Five billion. Five trillion. 50 trillion. What? The year 100 trillion. That's impossible! MARTHA: Why? What happens then? DOCTOR: We're going to the end of the universe. Jack is clinging to the TARDIS as it travels through the vortex. JACK (drawn-out yelling): Doctor! A man with facial tattoos, piercings, ritual scarring and pointed teeth raises his head. Fires are burning behind him. He is the Chieftan of the Futurekind. CHIEFTAN: Hu-mans. Others with wild hair, pointed teeth and some tattooing look at him. CHIEFTAN: Humans are coming. They all sniff the air and snarl. OPENING CREDITS A lone man, Padra is out in a dark, barren wasteland. He stumbles and woman of the Futurekind jumps out at him, snarling. PADRA: I just... I just wanna go. Please, let me go. WOMAN: Human! SENTRY: Human! Padra runs. WOMAN: Human! SENTRY: Human! Back at the camp, the Chieftan is driving the others into a hunting frenzy. CHIEFTAN: Hunt! Hunt! Hunt! What looks to be a sonar machine has picked up the hunt. An older man, Professor Yana, turns to look at it. YANA: There's movement on the surface. Another human hunt. God help him. His assistant, a blue insectoid woman named Chantho turns to him. CHANTHO: Chan... should I alert the guards... tho? YANA: No, no, we can't spare them. Poor beggar's on his own. (Crosses the lab heading for a small sitting area and we see it is filled with machines of mixed technology). One more lost soul dreaming of Utopia. CHANTHO: Chan, you mustn't talk as if you've given up, tho. YANA: No, no, indeed. Here's to it. Utopia. (Drinks from a mug). Where it is hope the coffee is a little less sour. Will you join me? CHANTHO: Chan, I am happy drinking my own internal milk, tho. YANA: Yes, well, that's quite enough information, thank you. The voice of LT Atillo comes over the tannoy ATILLO: Professor, I don't mean to rush you, but how are we doing? YANA: Uh, yes... uh... uh, yes. Working. Yes. Almost there. ATILLO: How's it looking on the footprint? YANA: It's good. Yes. Fine. Excellent. Looks to Chantho and motions for her to continue. CHANTHO: Chan, there's no problem as such. We've accelerated the calculation matrix but it's going to take time to harmonize, tho. Chan, we're trying a new reversal process. We'll have a definite result in approximately two hours, tho. Yana walks off and put his had to his head as if suffering a headache. In a close-up, we hear drums. Faintly in the background, Chantho is calling but the sound of the drums drowns her out. CHANTHO: Chan, Professor, tho! YANA: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Working. CHANTHO: Chan, It's the surface scanner, Professor. It seems to be picking up a different signal, tho. YANA: Well, that's not a standard reading. The scanner is showing a green square. YANA: It would seem something new has arrived. The TARDIS arrives with a thud and the Doctor looks at Martha questioningly. THE DOCTOR: Well, we've landed. MARTHA: So what's out there? THE DOCTOR: I don't know. MARTHA: Say that again. That's rare. THE DOCTOR: Not even the Time Lords came this far. We should leave. We should go. We should really, really... go. (Looks at Martha and grins widely before heading for the door). Outside is a bleak landscape. As they step out, Martha sees Jack on the ground. MARTHA: Oh my God! (Taps the Doctor's arm before rushing over). Can't get a pulse. Hold on, you've got that medical kit thing. Runs into the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR (saunters over): Hello again. Oh, I'm sorry. MARTHA (rushes back): Here we go. Out of the way. (Shoves the Doctor). It's a bit odd, though. Not very 100 trillion, that coat's more like World War II. THE DOCTOR: I think he came with us. MARTHA: How d'you mean? From Earth? THE DOCTOR: Must've been clinging to the outside of the TARDIS all the way through the vortex. Well, that very him. MARTHA: What? Do you know him? THE DOCTOR: Friend of mine. Used to travel with me. Back in the old days. MARTHA: But he's, I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat. There's nothing. He's dead. Jack gasps as he comes back to life, grabbing Martha who screams. MARTHA: Oh well, so much for me. It's all right. Just breathe deep. I've got you now. JACK: Captain Jack Harkness. And who are you? MARTHA: Martha Jones. JACK: Nice to meet you, Martha Jones. THE DOCTOR: Oh, don't start! JACK: I was just saying hello. MARTHA: I don't mind. Martha helps Jack stand. Jack and the Doctor stare at each other coldly. JACK: Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Captain. JACK: Good to see you. THE DOCTOR: And you. Same as ever... although... have you had work done? JACK: You can talk! THE DOCTOR: Oh yes, the face. Regeneration. How did you know this was me? JACK: The police box kinda gives it away. I've been following you for a long time. You abandoned me. THE DOCTOR: Did I? Busy life. Move on. JACK: Just gotta ask. The Battle of Canary Wharf. I saw the list of the dead. It said Rose Tyler. THE DOCTOR: Oh no! Sorry! She's alive! JACK: You're kidding?! THE DOCTOR: Parallel world safe and sound. And Mickey! And her mother! JACK: Oh yes! Jackhugs the Doctor and they laugh. Martha is none too happy to hear Rose's name again and see what she meant to both men. MARTHA (softly): Good old Rose. Padra is still running from the Futurekind. Jack is walking alongside Martha, the Doctor in front of them. JACK: So there I was, stranded in the year 200,100, ankle-deep in Dalek dust, and he goes off without me. But I had this. (Taps the machine on his wrist). I used to be a Time Agent. It's called a vortex manipulator. He's not the only one who can time travel. THE DOCTOR: Oh, excuse me. That is not time travel. It's like I've got a sports car and you've got a space hopper. MARTHA (laughs): Boys and their toys. JACK: All right, so I bounced. I thought: 21st century, best place to find the Doctor, except that I got it a little wrong. I arrived in 1869 and this thing burnt out so it was useless. THE DOCTOR: Told you. JACK: I had to live through the entire 20th century waiting for a version of you that would coincide with me. MARTHA: That makes you more that 100 years old. JACK: And looking good, doncha think? So I went to the time rift, based myself thing 'cause I knew you'd come back to refuel. Until finally I get a signal on this detecting you and here we are. MARTHA: But the thing is, how come you left him behind, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: I was busy. MARTHA: Is that what happens, though? Seriously? Do you just get bored with us one day and disappear? JACK: Not if you're blonde. MARTHA (sarcastic): Oh, she was blonde? Oh, what a surprise? THE DOCTOR: You two! We're at the end of the universe. All right? We're at the edge of knowledge itself and you're busy... blogging! Come on. The Doctor walks to the edge of a canyon that looks like it once held a city of some sort. MARTHA: Is that a city? THE DOCTOR: A city or a hive. Or a nest. Or a conglomeration. Looks like it was grown. But look there. That's like pathways, roads... Must have been some sort of life. Long ago. MARTHA: What killed it? THE DOCTOR: Time. Just time. Everything's dying now. All the great civilizations have gone. This isn't just night. All the stars have burned up and faded away into nothing. JACK: It must have an atmospheric shell. We should be frozen to death. THE DOCTOR: Well, Martha and I, maybe. Not so sure about you, Jack. Looks knowingly at Jack. MARTHA: What about the people? Does no one survive? THE DOCTOR: I suppose we have to hope. Life will find a way. JACK: Well, he's not doin' too bad. Jack points to Padra who is running along one of the pathways barely ahead of the Futurekind. THE DOCTOR: Is it me, or does that look like a hunt? Come on! Padra runs as the Futurekind chase him. The Doctor, Martha and Jack run along a roadway. JACK (laughs): Oh, I've missed this! They reach Padra and Jack gets a hold of him. JACK: I've got you. PADRA: We've gotta run! They're coming! They're coming! Jack passes Padra to the Doctor then pulls out his revolver and aims it at the Futurekind. THE DOCTOR: Jack, don't you dare! Jack fires into the air and the Futurekind stop. MARTHA: What the hell are they? PADRA: There's more of them. We've got to keep going. THE DOCTOR: I've got a ship nearby. It's safe. It's not far, it's just over there. (Looks back the way they came to see more of the Futurekind). Or maybe not. PADRA: We're close to the silo. If we get to the silo, then we're safe. THE DOCTOR (to Jack and Martha): Silo? JACK: Silo. MARTHA: Silo for me. The four run to the silo followed by the Futurekind. They arrive at a gated area with watchtowers and guards. PADRA: It's the Futurekind! Open the gate! GUARD: Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth! PADRA: Show them your teeth. The Doctor, Martha, Jack and Padra grit their teeth in wide smiles. GUARD: Human! Let 'em in! Let 'em in! They open the gate and the four run inside. GUARD: Close! Close! Close! The guard fires his gun at the ground in front of the Futurekind. CHIEFTAN: Humans. Humani. Make feast. GUARD: Go back to where you came from. I said go back! Go back! Aims gun. JACK: Oh, don't tell him to put down his gun. THE DOCTOR: He's not my responsibility. JACK: And I am? (scoffs). That makes a change. CHIEFTAN: Kind watch you. Kind hungry. The chieftan signals the others and they back away. THE DOCTOR (to guard): Thanks for that. GUARD: Right. Let's get you inside. PADRA: My name is Padrafet Shafekane. Please tell me, can you take me to Utopia? GUARD: Oh yes, sir. Yes, I can. The guard leads them into a large tunnel carved into a mountain, the silo. Yana and Chantho are working in his lab when Atillo's voice comes over the tannoy. ATILLO: Professor! We've got four new humans inside. One of them is calling himself a doctor. YANA: Of medicine? ATILLO: He says of everything. YANA: A scientist! Oh my word! Just... just, Chantho... oh, I don't know! I'm coming! Leaves. The Doctor, Martha, Jack and Padra are standing with LT Atillo. THE DOCTOR: It's a box, a big blue box. I'm sorry, but I really need it back. It's stuck out there. PADRA: I'm sorry, but my family were heading for the silo. Did they get here? My mother is Kistane Shafekane. My brother is Beltone. ATILLO: The computers are down but you can check the paperwork. Creet! (A young boy of about 10 sticks his head around a corner). Passenger needs help. CREET: Right. What d'you need? Padra walks over to Creet and looks at his clipboard. ATILLO: A blue box, you said. THE DOCTOR: Big, tall, wooden. Says "Police". ATILLO: We're driving out for a last water collection. I'll see what I can do. THE DOCTOR: Thank you. CREET (to Padra): Come on. MARTHA: Sorry, but how old are you? CREET: Old enough to work. This way. They follow Creet through corridors lined with people camping. CREET (calling): Kistane Shafekane. Kistane Shafekane. Kistane and Beltone Shafekane? Looking for a Kistane and Beltone Shafekane. PADRA: The Shafekanes anyone? CREET: Anyone? Kistane and Beltone Shefkane? Anyone know the Shefkane family? Anyone called Shafekane? MARTHA: It's like a refugee camp. JACK: Stinking. (Passes a rather large man who stares). Ooh, sorry. No offence. THE DOCTOR: Don't you see that? The ripe old smell of humans. You survived. Oh, much better than a million years evolving into clouds of gas. And then another million as downloads, but you always revert tp the same basic shape. The fundamental humans. CREET: Kistane Shafekane. THE DOCTOR: End of the universe and here you are. Indomitable! That's the word! Indomitable! Ha! CREET: Is there a Kistane Shafekane? KISTANE (stands): That's me. Gasps when she sees Padra. PADRA: Mother? KISTANE: Oh my God. PADRA: Beltone? Runs to embrace his family. MARTHA: It's not all bad news. As Jack walks down the corridor, a good-looking man passes by. JACK: Captain Jack Harkness. (Shakes the man's hand). And who are you? The Doctor is examining a door, using his sonic screwdriver to try and open it. THE DOCTOR: Stop it. Give us a hand with this. (Jack reluctantly lets go of the man's hand before he and Martha join the Doctor). It's half deadlocked. See if you can overwrite the code. (Jack sets to work on the keypad while the Doctor continues to use his sonic screwdriver). Let's find out where we are. The door slides open and the THE DOCTOR almost falls into the silo. JACK (grabs the Doctor): Gotcha. THE DOCTOR: Thanks. JACK: How did you cope without me? MARTHA: Now that is what I call a rocket. THE DOCTOR: They're not refugees, they're passengers. MARTHA: He said they were going to Utopia. THE DOCTOR: The perfect place. 100 trillion years, it's still the same old dream. Do you recognize those engines? JACK: Nope. Whatever it is, it's not rocket science. But it's hot, though. THE DOCTOR: Boiling. (They step back and Jack closes the door). But if the universe is falling apart, what does Utopia mean? Yana runs up to them and looks between the Doctor and Jack. YANA (to Jack): The Doctor? THE DOCTOR: That's me. YANA (takes the Doctor's hand and leads him away): Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. THE DOCTOR (looks back to the others): It's good apparently. As the Doctor, Jack and Martha follow Yana, there is a close-up on a woman sitting along the wall revealing her to be one of the Futurekind. CHANTHO: Chan, welcome, tho. YANA (showing the Doctor): This is the gravitissimal accelerator. It's part of the... Fades. CHANTHO: Chan, welcome, tho. YANA: And over here is the footprint impellor system. If you know anything about endtime gravity... Fades. MARTHA: Hello. Who are you? CHANTHO: Chan, Chantho, tho. YANA: But we can't get it to harmonize! JACK: Captain Jack Harkness. THE DOCTOR: Stop it. JACK: Can't I say hello to anyone? CHANTHO: Chan, I do not protest, tho. JACK: Maybe later, Blue. (winks) So, what have we got here? Martha follows Jack, curious about a sound coming from his pack. THE DOCTOR: And all this feeds into the rocket? YANA: Yeah, except without a stable footprint we'll never achieve escape velocity. If only we could harmonize the five impact patterns and unify them, well, we might yet make it. What do you think, Doctor? Any ideas? THE DOCTOR: Well, um, basically... sort of... not a clue. YANA: Nothing? THE DOCTOR: I'm not from around these parts. I've never seen a system like it. Sorry. YANA (dejected): No, no. I'm sorry. It's my fault. There's been so little help. In the sitting area, Martha is examining Jack's bag and pulls out a bubbling container with a hand in it. MARTHA: Oh my God. (Sets the hand on a table and the others come over). You've got a hand. A hand in a jar. A hand in a jar in your bag. THE DOCTOR: That's, that's my hand! JACK: I said I had a Doctor detector. CHANTHO: Chan, is this a tradition amongst your people, tho? MARTHA: Not on my street. What d'you mean that's your hand? You've got both your hands, I can see them. THE DOCTOR: Long story. I lost my hand Christmas Day. In a swordfight. Clip of the swordfight against the Sycorax Leader from "[i]The Christmas Invasion".[/i] MARTHA: What? And you grew another hand? THE DOCTOR: Um yeah. Yeah I did. Yeah. Hello. Waves fingers. YANA: Might I ask what species are you? THE DOCTOR: Time Lord. Last of. Heard of them? Legend or anything? Not even a myth? Blimey, end of the universe is a bit humbling. CHANTHO: Chan, It is said that I am the last of my species too, tho. THE DOCTOR: Sorry, what was your name? YANA: My assistant and good friend, Chantho. A survivor of the Malmooth. This was their planet, Malcassairo, before we took refuge. THE DOCTOR: The city outside, that was yours? CHANTHO: Chan, the conglomeration died, tho. THE DOCTOR: Conglomeration! That's what I said! JACK: You're supposed to say sorry. THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Sorry. CHANTHO: Chan, most grateful, tho. MARTHA: You grew another hand? THE DOCTOR (waves fingers): Hello again. It's fine. Look. Really, it's me. Holds out his hand and wiggles his fingers before shaking Martha's hand. MARTHA (laughs nervously): All this time and you're still full of surprises. The Doctor clicks his tongue and winks. CHANTHO: Chan, you are most unusual, tho. THE DOCTOR: Well... JACK: So what about those things outside? The Beastie Boys. What are they? YANA: We call them the Futurekind. Which is a myth in itself, but, uh, it is feared they are what we will become. Unless we reach Utopia. THE DOCTOR: And Utopia is... YANA: Oh, every human knows of Utopia. Where have you been? THE DOCTOR: Bit of a hermit. YANA: A hermit with friends? THE DOCTOR: Hermits United. We meet up every ten years. Swap stories about caves. It's good fun... for a hermit. So, um, Utopia? Yana crooks his finger and leads them to a computer that shows a navigational chart with a blinking red dot. YANA: The call came from across the stars over and over again. Come to Utopia. Originated from that point. THE DOCTOR: Where is that? YANA: Oh, it's far beyond the Condensate Wilderness. Out towards the wildlands and the dark matter reefs. Calling us in. The last of the humans. Scattered across the night. THE DOCTOR: What do you think's out there? YANA: I don't know. A colony, a city, some sort of haven? The Science Foundation created the Utopia Project thousands of years ago to preserve mankind, to find a way of surviving beyond the collapse of reality itself. Now perhaps they found it. Perhaps not. But it's worth a look, don't you think? THE DOCTOR: Oh yes. (The Doctor's voice fades as the drums in Yana's head become louder). And the signal keeps modulating, so it's not automatic. There's a good sign. Someone's out there. And that's... ooh, that's a navigation matrix, isn't it? So you can fly without stars to guide you. (The Doctor notices something is wrong with Yana). Professor? Professor? YANA: I... Right, that's enough talk. There's work to do. Now if you could leave. Thank you. Walks away. THE DOCTOR: You all right? YANA: Yes. I'm fine! And busy! THE DOCTOR: Except that rocket's not going to fly, is it? This footprint mechanism thing, it's not working. YANA: We'll find a way! THE DOCTOR: You're stuck on this planet. And you haven't told them, have you? That lot out there, hey still think they're gonna fly. YANA: Well, it's better to let them live in hope. THE DOCTOR: Quite right, too. And I must say, Professor... (Removes his coat and Jack takes it as he passes). Um, what was it? YANA: Yana. THE DOCTOR: Professor Yana. This new science is well beyond me, but all the same, a boost reversal circuit, in any time frame, must be a circuit which reverses the boost. So, I wonder, what would happen if I did this? Picks up the circuit and uses the sonic screwdriver on it before switching it on giving them power. CHANTHO: Chan, it's working, tho! YANA: But how did you do that? THE DOCTOR: Oh, we've been chatting away. I forgot to tell you, I'm brilliant. [SCENE_BREAK] Shot of the rocket in the silo. ATILLO (voice over): All passengers prepare for immediate boarding. Families are getting their items together. ATILLO (voice over): I repeat, all passengers prepare for immediate boarding. In the lab, everyone is working away at different controls. ATILLO (voice over): Destination: Utopia. In the engine control room, Atillo hits some switches on the banks of machinery. Above, the gates open to allow the water tanker in. ATILLO (voice over): All troops fall back to the silo. I repeat, all troops fall back to the silo. Outside the gates, the Futurekind watch. GUARD: Inside! Everyone inside! C'mon! Move, move, move! Down in the engine room, Atillo looks into a second room containing five cylinders. Padra and his family are in a queue heading for the rocket. ATILLO (voice over): I repeat, all passengers prepare for immediate boarding. Martha and Chantho are heading in the opposite direction from the queues carrying circuit boards. MARTHA: Excuse me. Hey, what was your name? Creet. CREET: That's right, miss. MARTHA: Who are you with, Creet? You got family? CREET: No, miss. There's just me. MARTHA: Well, good luck. What do you think it's going to be like in Utopia? CREET: My mum used to say the skies are made of diamonds. MARTHA: Good for her. Go on, off you go. Get your seat. Creet continues on. After Martha and Chantho pass, the Futurekind infiltrator steps out and watches them leave. The Doctor and Yana are working on either side of a large clear circuit board in the centre of the lab. THE DOCTOR (sniffs the cord in his hands): Is this...? YANA: Yes, gluten extract. Binds the neutralino map together. THE DOCTOR: But that's food. You've built this system out of food and string and staples. Professor Yana, you're a genius. YANA: Says the man who made it work. THE DOCTOR: Ooh... it's easy coming in at the end but... you're stellar. This is... this is magnificent. I don't often say that 'cause... well, 'cause of me. YANA: Well, even my title is an affectation. There hasn't been such a thing as a university for over a thousand years. I've spent my life going from one refugee ship to another. THE DOCTOR: If you had been born in a different time, you'd be revered. (Yana chuckles). I mean it. Throughout the galaxies. YANA: Oh, those damned galaxies. They had to go and collapse. Some admiration would have been nice. Just a little. Just once. THE DOCTOR: Well you've got it now. But that footprint engine thing. You can't activate it from onboard. It's gotta be from here. You're staying behind. YANA: With Chantho. She won't leave without me. Simply refuses. THE DOCTOR: You would give your life so they could fly. YANA: Oh, I think I'm a little too old for Utopia. Time I had some sleep. ATILLO (over tannoy): Professor, tell the Doctor we've found his blue box. THE DOCTOR: Ah! JACK: Doctor. The Doctor and Yana join Jack by the monitor that shows the TARDIS safely inside the silo. THE DOCTOR (pats Yana on the shoulder): Professor, it's a wild stab in the dark, but I may just have found you a way out. Heads into the TARDIS. A close-up of Yana looking at the TARDIS, the drums beating in his head. The Doctor brings out a long power line from the TARDIS out into the lab. THE DOCTOR: Extra power. (Inserts it into outlet). Little bit of a cheat, but who's counting? Jack, you're in charge of the retro-feeds. Martha and Chantho return. MARTHA (on seeing the TARDIS): Oh, am I glad to see that thing. Chantho goes to Yana who is sitting down. CHANTHO: Chan, Professor, are you all right, tho? YANA: Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. (Stronger). I'm fine. Just get on with it. JACK: Connect those circuits into the spar, same as that last lot. But quicker. MARTHA: Yes, sir. The Doctor goes to Yana. THE DOCTOR: You don't have to keep working. We can handle it. YANA: It's just a headache. Just... Just noise inside my head, Doctor. Constant noise inside my head. THE DOCTOR: What sort of noise? YANA: It's the sound of drums. More and more as though it's getting closer. THE DOCTOR: When did it start? YANA: Oh, I've had it all my life. Every waking hour. Still, no rest for the wicked. Stands and goes back to work. Martha and Chantho are working on the circuits. MARTHA: How long have you been with the professor? CHANTHO: Chan, 17 years, tho. MARTHA: Blimey. A long time. CHANTHO: Chan, I adore him, tho. MARTHA: Oh right, and he... CHANTHO: Chan... I don't think he even notices, tho. MARTHA: Tell me about it. CHANTHO: Chan, but I am happy to serve, tho. MARTHA: Do you mind if I ask? Do you have to start every sentence with "chan"? CHANTHO: Chan, yes, tho. MARTHA: And end every sentence with... CHANTHO: Chan, tho, tho. MARTHA: What would you happen if you didn't? CHANTHO: Chan, that would be rude, tho. MARTHA: What, like swearing? CHANTHO: Chan, indeed, tho. MARTHA: Go on, just once. CHANTHO (nervously): Chan, I can't, tho. MARTHA: Oh, do it for me. CHANTHO: No. Giggles. Atillo is in the control room. ATILLO: Professor! (No connection). Systems are down. (Types Yana into the system). Professor, are you getting me? Yana comes into focus. YANA: I'm here! We're ready! Now all you need to do is connect the couplings. Then we can launch. (Loses connection with Atillo). God sakes! This equipment! Needs rebooting all the time! MARTHA: Anything I can do? I've finished that lot. YANA: Yes, if you could. (Gets up so Martha can have his seat). Just press the reboot key every time the picture goes out. MARTHA: Certainly, sir. Just don't ask me to do shorthand. ATILLO (onscreen): Are you still there? YANA: Ah, present and correct. Send your man inside. We'll keep the levels down from here. In the control room, Atillo slides open the door for one of his men in a hazmat suit, Jate. ATILLO: He's inside. And good luck to him. YANA (to Jack): Captain, keep the levels below the red. THE DOCTOR: Where is that room? YANA: It's underneath the rocket. Fix the couplings and the footprint can work. But the entire chamber is flooded with stet radiation. THE DOCTOR: Stet? Never heard of it. YANA: You wouldn't want to. But it's safe enough. We can hold the radiation back from here. They watch on the monitor as Jate works on the couplings. Atillo watches through the window in the door. An alarm begins to sound. YANA: It's rising... 0.2. Keep it level! JACK: Yes, sir! Jate moves on to the second coupling. The Futurekind woman finds the power room and switches off fuses causing more alarms to go off. CHANTHO: Chan, we're losing power, tho! The Futurekind woman finds a weight and throws it at the fuse box causing irreparable damage. THE DOCTOR: Radiation's rising! JACK: We've lost control! YANA: The chamber's going to flood. THE DOCTOR: Jack! Override the vents! Jate keeps working. ATILLO: Get out! Get out of there! Jate! The woman laughs at the flames. Two armed guards find her. GUARD 1: Oi! You! The woman turns. BOTH: Go! They fire their weapons. In the lab, Jack takes hold of two live cables. JACK: We can jump start the override! Holds both cables together. THE DOCTOR: Don't! It's going to flare! Jack screams as the power courses through him. The others watch helpless as he then falls to the floor. ATILLO: Jate, get out of there! Get out! Within the suit, Jate's body disintegrates and the suit falls to the floor. ATILLO (screams): No! MARTHA (rushes to Jack): I've got him. CHANTHO: Chan, don't touch the cables, tho. Pushes them aside. While everyone rushes to check on Jack, the Doctor watches, unperturbed. YANA: Oh, I'm so sorry. THE DOCTOR: The chamber's flooded with radiation, yes? Martha starts mouth-to-mouth on Jack. YANA: Without the couplings, the engines will never start. It was all for nothing! THE DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. (Walks forward). Martha, leave him. Pulls her up gently. MARTHA: You've gotta let me try. THE DOCTOR: Come on. Come on. Just listen to me. Now leave him alone. It strikes me, Professor, you've got a room a man can't enter without dying. Is that correct? YANA: Yes. THE DOCTOR: Well... (Jack gasps for breath as he comes back to life. The Doctor removes his glasses). I've got just the man. JACK: Was someone kissing me? Jack and the Doctor race through the silo to the control room. THE DOCTOR (to Atillo): Lieutenant, get onboard the rocket! I promise you're gonna fly. ATILLO: The chamber's flooded! THE DOCTOR: Trust me. We've found a way of tripping the system. Run! (Atillo leaves. Jack is removing his shirt). Wh... What are you taking your clothes off for? JACK: I'm going in. THE DOCTOR: Well by the looks of it, I'd say that stet radiation doesn't affect clothing, only flesh. JACK: I look good though. (Stops at door). How long have you known? THE DOCTOR: Ever since I ran away from you. Good luck. Jack enters the room and goes straight to the couplings. The Doctor watches from the window. MARTHA (at computer): We lost picture when that thing flared up. Doctor, are you there? THE DOCTOR: Receiving, yeah. He's inside. MARTHA: And still alive? THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes. YANA: But he should evaporate. What sort of a man is he? MARTHA: I've only just met him. The Doctor sort of travels through time and space and picks people up. God, I make us sound like stray dogs. Maybe we are. YANA: He travels in time? Looks away distractedly. MARTHA: Don't ask me to explain it. That's a TARDIS. The sports car of time travel, he says. Yana hears Martha's voice echoing in his head. MARTHA: That's a TARDIS. That's a TARDIS. That's a TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: When did you first realize? JACK: Earth 1892. Got in a fight in Ellis Island. A man shot me through the heart. Then I woke up. Thought it was kinda strange. But then it never stopped. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, World War I, World War II, poison, strangulation, a stray javelin... (The Doctor winces). In the end, I got the message, I'm the man who can never die. And all that time you knew. THE DOCTOR: That's why I left you behind. It's not easy even just... just looking at you Jack, 'cause you're wrong. JACK: Thanks. THE DOCTOR: You are, I can't help it. I'm a Time Lord. It's instinct. It's in my guts. You're a fixed point in time a space. You're a fact. That's never meant to happen. Even the TARDIS reacted against you, tried to shake you off. Flew all the way to the end of the universe just to get rid of you. JACK: So what you're saying is that you're, uh, (finishes third coupling) prejudiced? THE DOCTOR: I never thought of it like that. JACK: Yeah. In the lab, Martha and Chantho are listening, Yana standing behind them, staring at the TARDIS. JACK: Last thing I remember back when I was mortal... I was facing three Daleks. Death by extermination. And then I came back to life. What happened? THE DOCTOR: Rose. JACK: I thought you sent her back home. THE DOCTOR: She came back. Opened the heart of the TARDIS and absorbed the time vortex. JACK: What does that mean, exactly? THE DOCTOR: No one's ever mean to have that power. If a Time Lord did that, he'd become a god, a vengeful god. But she was human. Rose in "[i]Parting of the Ways" glowing with vortex energy.[/i] ROSE: I bring life. Jack gasps and opens his eyes as he comes back to the for the first time. THE DOCTOR: Everything she did was so human. She brought you back to life but she couldn't control it. She brought you back forever. That's something, I suppose. The final act of the Time War was life. Close-up of Yana, "Time War" echoing in his head. JACK: Do you think she could change me back? THE DOCTOR: I took the power out of her. She's gone, Jack. She's not just living on a parallel world, she's trapped there. The walls have closed. JACK: I'm sorry. THE DOCTOR: Yep. JACK: I went back to her estate, in the 90s, just once or twice. Watched her growing up. Never said hello, timelines and all that. THE DOCTOR: Do you wanna die? JACK (struggling with coupling): Oh, this one's a little stuck. THE DOCTOR: Jack? JACK: I thought I did. I dunno. But this lot, you see them out here surviving and that's fantastic. Moves onto last coupling. THE DOCTOR: You may be out there somewhere. JACK: I could go meet myself. THE DOCTOR: Well, the only man you're ever gonna be happy with. JACK: This new regeneration, it's kinda cheeky. THE DOCTOR: Hmm. Close-up on Yana, "regeneration" echoing in his head. MARTHA: I never understand half the things he says. (turns and sees Yana). What's wrong? CHANTHO: Chan, Professor, what is it, tho? YANA: Time travel. They say there was time travel back in the old days. I never believed. But what would I know? I'm just a stupid old man. Never could keep time. Always late, always lost. Even this thing never worked. Pulls out a fobwatch from his waistcoat pocket. Scene from "[i]Human Nature".[/i] THE DOCTOR: Martha, this watch is me. I'm going to become human. YANA: Time and time and time again. Always running out on me. MARTHA: Can I have a look at that? YANA: Oh, it's only an old relic. (Chuckles). Like me. MARTHA: Where did you get it? YANA: Hm? I was found with it. MARTHA: What do you mean? YANA: An orphan in the storm. I was a naked child found on the coast of the Silver Devastation. Abandoned with only this. MARTHA: Have you opened it? YANA: Why would I? It's broken. MARTHA: How do you know it's broken if you never opened it? YANA: It's stuck. It's old. It's not meant to be. I don't know. Martha takes the watch and turns it over. It bears the same engravings as the Doctor's. She steps back and breathes nervously. YANA: Does it matter? MARTHA: No. It's... nothing. It's... Listen, everything's fine up here. I'm gonna see if the Doctor needs me. Jack releases the last coupling. JACK: Yes! THE DOCTOR: Now get out of there! Come on! Martha runs through the corridors. Jack re-enters the control room as the Doctor calls Atillo. THE DOCTOR: Lieutenant, everyone on board? ATILLO: Ready and waiting. THE DOCTOR: Stand by! Two minutes to ignition. Hangs up. ATILLO (voice over): Ready to launch. Outer doors sealed. Countdown commences T minus 99... 98... Jack and the Doctor are at the controls. Martha runs in. THE DOCTOR: Ah, nearly there. The footprint is a gravity pulse. It stamps down, the rocket shoots up. Bit primitive. It's gonna take the both of us to keep it stable. Martha moves in front of him as he works. MARTHA: Doctor, it's the professor. He's got this watch. He's got a fobwatch. It's the same as yours. Same writing on it. Same... everything. THE DOCTOR: Don't be ridiculous. MARTHA: I asked him. He said he's had it all his life. JACK: So he's got the same watch. MARTHA: Yeah, but it's not a watch. It's this chameleon thing. THE DOCTOR (flustered): No, no, no. It's this... This thing, this device, it rewrites biology, changes a Time Lord into a human. MARTHA: And it's the same watch. THE DOCTOR: It can't be. An alarm blares and the Doctor tries to fix it. JACK: That means he could be a Time Lord. You might not be the last one. THE DOCTOR: Jack, keep it level! MARTHA: But that's brilliant, isn't it? THE DOCTOR: Yes, it is. Course it is. Depends which one. Brilliant, fantastic, yeah. But they died, the Time Lords. All of them, they died. JACK: Not if he was human. THE DOCTOR: What did he say, Martha? (Yells). What did he say? MARTHA (gasps): He looked at the watch like he could hardly see it. Like that perception filter thing. THE DOCTOR: What about now? Can he see it now? Yana is holding his watch, different voices echoing in his head. THE DOCTOR: The TARDIS. The time vortex. A low evil laugh. JACK: Regeneration. Regeneration. MALE VOICE 1: The drums, the drums, the drums. The never-ending drumbeat. Open me, you human fool. Open the light and summon me and receive my majesty. MALE VOICE 2: Destroy him! And you will give your power to me! CHANTHO: Chan, Yana, won't you please take some rest, tho? The countdown continues. ATILLO: 13, 12, 11, 10... JACK: If he escaped the Time War then it's the perfect place to hide. The end of the universe. MARTHA: Think of what the Face of Boe said. His dying words. He said... The Doctor launches the rocket. Up in his lab, Yana opens the watch and releases its contents. In the control room, the Doctor knows what's happened. He remembers the Face of Boe's words and makes the connection. The Face of Boe's last words from "[i]Gridlock".[/i] FACE OF BOE: You (Y typed into the computer), are (A), not (N), alone (A). "YANA" blinks on the computer screen. The Futurekind watch as the rocket lifts off and howl. CHANTHO: Chan, Professor Yana, tho? Yana turns from the TARDIS to face Chantho and he no longer seems the genial man he was before. THE DOCTOR (on phone to rocket): Lieutenant, have you achieved velocity? Have you done it? Lieutenant! Have you done it? ATILLO: Affirmative. We'll see you in Utopia. THE DOCTOR: Good luck. Hangs up phone and runs from the control room. Martha and Jack follow. Yana throws a lever that closes and locks a main door before the Doctor gets there. CHANTHO: Chan, but you've locked them in, tho. The Doctor gets out his sonic screwdriver while Jack tries the keypad. THE DOCTOR (yelling): Get it open! Get it open! YANA: Not to worry, my dear. As one door closes, another must open. (Throws another switch). The power goes down at the main gate and the Futurekind realise they can get in. CHANTHO: Chan, you must stop, tho! Yana ignores her as he works various controls around the lab. CHANTHO: Chan, but you've lowered the defences! The Futurekind will get in, tho! The Futurekind rush the gates. Jack gets the door open and they run through. CHANTHO: Chan, Professor, I'm so sorry but I must stop you. You're destroying all our work, tho. Yana turns and sees Chantho holding a gun on him. YANA: Oh... now I can say I was provoked. Holds out one of the live cables. Going down the halls, the Doctor, Jack and Martha run into the Futurekind forcing them to backtrack. YANA (still holding sparking cable): Did you never think, in all those years standing beside me, to ask about that watch? Never? Did you never think, not ever, that you could set me free? CHANTHO (whimpers): Chan, I'm sorry, tho. Chan, I'm so sorry. YANA: And you with your "chan" and your "tho" driving me insane. CHANTHO: Chan, Professor, please... YANA: That is not my name! The Professor... was an invention. So perfect a disguise that I forgot who I am. CHANTHO: Chan, who are you, tho? YANA (low whisper): I am the Master. Thrusts the cable forward. The Futurekind chase the Doctor, Martha and Jack through the corridors. Jack stops at an intersecting hallway. JACK: This way! The Master kneels and reaches out to take the canister containing the Doctor's hand. The Doctor, Martha and Jack arrive at the locked lab door. Jack works on the keypad. The Doctor looks through the window. THE DOCTOR: Professor! (Pounds on window). Professor, let me in! Let me in! Jack, get the door open! The Master walks to the computer displaying the navigational chart for Utopia. THE DOCTOR: Professor! Professor, where are you?! Professor! Professor, are you there?! Please, I need to explain! Whatever you do, don't open that watch! The Master removes the circuit board. THE MASTER (condescending): Utopia. MARTHA: They're coming! THE DOCTOR: Professor! The Master pulls the cables from the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: Open the door, please! I'm begging you, Professor! Please! Listen to me! Chantho, lying on the floor, reaches for her gun. THE DOCTOR: Open the door, please! The Master turns and Chantho fires. The Master groans and staggers back against the TARDIS. Jack hits the keypad with the butt of his revolver and the door opens. The Doctor rushes inside and stops, facing the Master. The Doctor moves forward but the Master backs into the TARDIS, locking it. The Doctor tries his key but the Master flicks a switch so a key won't work. He then heads up to the console. The Doctor pulls out the sonic screwdriver. Inside, the Master presses a button on the console to prevent that from working as well. THE MASTER: Deadlocked. THE DOCTOR (pounds on TARDIS): Let me in! Let me in! MARTHA (by CHANTHO): She's dead. JACK (at the door): I've broken the lock! Give me a hand! THE DOCTOR: I'm begging you! Everything's changed! It's only the two of us! We're the only ones left! Martha goes to help Jack at the door. THE DOCTOR: Just let me in! THE MASTER: Killed by an insect! A girl! How inappropriate. Still, if the Doctor can be young and strong, then so can I. The Master... reborn. The Master stands in front of the console, head and arms flung back, and the regeneration starts. Bright golden lights pours out from his neck and arms. He screams. Outside, the Doctor can see the light and hear the scream. The Futurekind arrive at the door and Martha and Jack try to hold them back as the door isn't fully closed. JACK: Doctor! You'd better think of something! Inside the TARDIS, a younger Master, looking to be in his early 30s, wakes next to the Doctor's hand. He stands slowly, amazed. MASTER: Ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! (Runs about the console). Ha, ha, ha! (Opens speaker). Doctor... ooh, new voice. (Low), Hello, (high), hello, (normal), hello. Anyway, why don't we stop and have a nice little chat while I tell you all my plans and you can work out a way to stop me? I don't think! MARTHA: Hold on! I know that voice! The Futurekind Chieftan reaches an arm through the door. THE DOCTOR: I'm asking you really properly! Just stop! Just think! MASTER: Use my name. THE DOCTOR: Master. I'm sorry. MASTER: Tough! Starts controls. The Doctor holds out his sonic screwdriver. JACK: I can't hold out much longer, Doctor! The console sparks. MASTER: Oh, no you don't! (Gets control column moving again). End of the universe. Have fun. Bye bye! MARTHA (yells): Doctor, stop him! Martha and Jack fight off the Futurekind while the Doctor can only watch as the TARDIS dematerialises. To be continued...	Plan: A: Cardiff; Q: Where does the TARDIS park to refuel itself? A: a time rift; Q: Where does the TARDIS get energy from? A: The Doctor; Q: Who powers up the engines of the rocket? A: The Doctor's former companion; Q: Who is Captain Jack Harkness? A: Jack; Q: Who fixes the rocket's couplings? A: the planet Malcassairo; Q: Where does the TARDIS travel to when Captain Jack Harkness jumps on the outside of it? A: the end; Q: Where is Malcassairo located in the universe? A: 100 trillion; Q: How many years in the future is Malcassairo? A: Futurekind; Q: Who surrounds the Doctor, Martha and Jack? A: Martha; Q: Who notices that Professor Yana has a fob watch? A: a rocket; Q: What are the last of humanity waiting to board to "Utopia"? A: the rocket's couplings; Q: What does Jack fix to make the rocket viable for launch? A: Professor Yana; Q: Who is the rocket's designer? A: a fob watch; Q: What does Professor Yana have that is similar to the one that turned the Doctor into a human? A: his biology; Q: What does the fob watch change back into the Doctor? A: the Master; Q: What is the name of the Time Lord who steals the Doctor's TARDIS? A: Chantho; Q: Who is Yana's assistant? A: the Master regenerates; Q: What happens to the Master after he and Chantho are mortally wounded? Summary: The TARDIS parks in Cardiff to refuel itself with energy from a time rift. The Doctor's former companion Captain Jack Harkness jumps onto the outside of the TARDIS, making it travel to the planet Malcassairo at the end of the universe, 100 trillion years in the future. Surrounded by a group called the Futurekind, the Doctor, Martha and Jack escape for the safety of Silo 16, where the last of humanity are waiting to board a rocket to "Utopia". The Doctor powers up the engines, and Jack fixes the rocket's couplings, making it viable for launch. Martha notices that Professor Yana, the rocket's designer, has a fob watch exactly like the one which turned the Doctor into a human. Yana notices the watch and opens it, changing his biology back into his true identity: a Time Lord called the Master . The Master and Yana's assistant Chantho mortally wound each other, and the Master regenerates. As the rocket takes off, the Master steals the Doctor's TARDIS, stranding the Doctor, Martha and Jack in the silo with the Futurekind.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Boggle. There is a Klingon dictionary on the table. Sheldon: Time. Alright Klingons, pencils down. Leonard: Okay, I have pokh. All: Have it. Got it. Leonard: Potl. All: Yup. Have it. Have it. Leonard: Pukhpa. All: Have it. Got it. Yup. Howard: I have Chorrr. Raj & Sheldon: Got it. Yup. Howard: Nekhmakh. Raj & Sheldon: Yeah. Yeah. Howard: And Kreplach. Raj: Hold on a second. Kreplach? Howard: Yeah. Raj: That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for meat-filled dumpling. Howard: Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word. Leonard: Really? Define it. Howard: Kreplach, A hearty Klingon... dumpling. Raj: Judge's ruling? Sheldon: Bilurrrbe. Penny (entering): Hey, guys, I need to use your TV. Sheldon: What's wrong with your TV? Penny: I don't know, it just died, I'm getting a bunch of static. Howard: Did you pay your cable bill? Penny: You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off America's Next Top Model. Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we're... Leonard: No, no, don't tell her. Sheldon: ...playing Klingon Boggle. Leonard: Aw! Howard: What do you mean, aw? Like she didn't know we were nerds? Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please. Penny: Fine. Sheldon: All right, Boggle warriors, kapla'! Howard: Look at those women. Leonard: They're gorgeous. Sheldon: Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that's a proper noun. Howard: Oh, look, the's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz. Sheldon: Is qochbe' spelled with a (gargling) or a (guttural grunt)? Howard: Why is that Mrs. Wolowitz crying? Penny: Oh. That's Anais, none of the other girls in the house like her. Howard: House? What house? Penny: They all live in a house together. Howard: A house, where? Penny: I don't know. Somewhere in L.A. Howard: Wait a minute, you're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels? Penny: Yeah, I guess. Howard: And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights? Leonard (to Penny who has got up to leave): Hey, wh-where are you going? Penny: To pay my cable bill. Sheldon: All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those? Credits Sequence. Scene: The living room. Howard and Raj are staring intently at the television. Leonard enters. Leonard: Did I miss anything? Did they kick Giselle off? Raj: Not yet, but her underwater photo shoot was an embarrassment. Howard: Sadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine. Lucky for her I like my fashion models pruny and bug-eyed. Leonard: Sheldon, the food's here. Raj: There's the house, freeze frame, freeze frame. Leonard: What are you doing? Raj: Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels. Leonard: Why? Howard: Isn't it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz. Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Individual relish packets? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Onion rings? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Extra breading? Leonard: I asked. Sheldon: What did they say? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Did you protest? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Vociferously? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long? Leonard: Just eat. Penny (entering): Hey, guys, what'd I miss? What'd I miss? Howard: Giselle's hanging by a thread. Penny: Oh, good, I hate her. Howard: Then you're not invited to our wedding. Leonard: Here you go. Penny: Thank you. Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again? All: Yes. Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting. Leonard: Put it on the agenda. Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda. Leonard: Oh, I'll make a motion, but you're not going to like it. Sheldon: Fine. Mock Parliamentary procedure. At least put it on mute. Penny: Oh, Giselle's not getting kicked off. It's totally going to be Summer. (She picks up one of Sheldon's onion rings. Raj lets out a high pitched squeak and points.) What? Leonard: Sheldon's onion ring. Just put it back! Penny: It's one onion ring. Howard: Just put it back before he comes! Leonard: No, no, no, no, I don't think that's where it was. Howard: Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence. Sheldon: Who touched my... All: Penny! Penny did it. Sheldon: Why would you do that? Penny: I don't know. I was hungry? What's the big deal? Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate. Penny: All right. Look, I didn't know, I'm sorry. Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike. Penny: What? Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you're out. It's a sports metaphor. Penny: A sports metaphor? Sheldon: Yes, baseball. Penny: All right, yeah, I'll play along. What was my first strike? Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour. Penny: I did? Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to "has cheezburger"? Penny: Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They're cute and they can't spell 'cause they're cats. Sheldon: I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two. Leonard: Don't worry. They only stay on your record for a year. Howard: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class. Penny: Come on, I touched one onion ring. Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings. Penny: Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they? Sheldon: Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else. Leonard: Congratulations. You're officially one of us. Howard: One of us, one of us. Penny: Well, what a thrill. Sheldon: You're sitting in my spot. Penny: Oh, jeez, you've got to be kidding me. Sheldon: Leonard, she's in my spot. Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here's the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him. Penny: I don't care. I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically. Sheldon: All right, that's it. Strike three. Penny: Ooh, strike three. Scene: The hallway, Penny exits the guys apartment. Penny: I'm banished? What the hell kind of crap is that? Leonard: Listen, don't worry. I'll talk to him. Penny: Yeah, you do that. Leonard: Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class? You can do it online! Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Howard: So based on our triangulation we've narrowed down the location of the top model house to three square miles in the Hollywood Hills. Raj: Or possibly Durham, North Carolina. Howard: When we find it, you want to go with us? Leonard: To do what? Raj: Party with the pretty girls, dude! Leonard: Are you insane? You're not going to party with them, you're not even going to get anywhere near that place. Howard: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon. Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon. Howard: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models. Raj: And a large number of people will believe it never happened. Penny (arriving): Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover's pizza, no meat. Coming right up. Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side. Penny: Oh, I didn't tell you? You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon: Why? Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don't like your attitude. Sheldon: You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy. Penny: Yeah, no, there's a new policy. No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon. Howard: I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena. Leonard: Penny, can I talk to you for a minute? Hi. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Look, here's the thing, um, I talked to Sheldon and he feels terrible and he agrees that he was unreasonable and out of line. Penny: Really? Well, that's great. Leonard: Yeah, so just apologize to him, okay? Penny: What? I'm not going to apologize to that nutcase. Leonard: Oh, come on, it's easy, he'll even tell you what to say. Penny: Leonard, don't you get it? If you guys keep going along with his insanity, you're just encouraging him. Leonard: We're not encouraging. It's more like knuckling under. Penny: Look, I like hanging out with you guys, but I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't do. Leonard: Well, actually, technically, you did do it. Penny: That's strike one, Leonard. Scene: The same, some minutes later. [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: There you go, quesadilla, salad, there's your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon's heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side. Sheldon: Thank you. Penny: Go ahead, eat it. I dare you Scene: The living room. Howard on his laptop. Howard: That's it. There's the house, I found America's top models! Raj: Are you sure? Howard: Look, on the roof, Anais and Giselle are sunbathing. European-style. Leonard: You can recognize people on Google Earth? Howard: Of course not, I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over. Leonard: NORAD? You're using military aircraft? Howard: It was already targeted to poke around a nuclear reactor in Siberia, I took it an hour out of its way, tops. Penny (entering, angry): Okay, where is he? Leonard: Sheldon? I just dropped him off at the comic book store. Why? Penny: Here. Try and go online. Leonard: Problem with the WiFi? Penny: No, just try. Sheldon (on screen): Greetings, hamburger toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our WiFi. If you want to remedy the situation you can contact the phone company, set up your own WiFi and pay for it, or you may apologize to me. Penny: Well? Leonard: I reiterate, knuckle under. Penny: No, no, no, no, no. It is on. I am gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt. Leonard: Oh, Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain. Penny: I don't care, I was in junior rodeo, I can hogtie and castrate him in 60 seconds. Howard: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online. Leonard: There, see? Problem solved. Howard: Voila! Sheldon (voice from Howards laptop): Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, everyone is awarded one additional strike. Leonard: Thanks a lot, Howard. Howard: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again. Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is backing out of the apartment. Penny is waiting outside. Sheldon: Oh! Hello. Penny: Time to do your laundry, huh? Sheldon: It's Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night. Penny: I know. Every Saturday at 8:15, easy to anticipate. Sheldon: What are you implying? Penny: I'm implying that you're a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass. Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon, holding his laundry, is looking at the machines in dismay. Penny: Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do? Sheldon: No problem, I'll just do my laundry another night. Penny: Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night. Sheldon: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken. Penny: Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie. Scene: The hallway, Penny comes storming up the stairs to the guys door. Penny (Knock, knock, knock): Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. Sheldon: Yes? Penny: Where are my clothes? Sheldon: Your clothes? Penny: Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone. Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says "Do not leave laundry unattended"? Penny: Sheldon, where are my clothes? Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar? Penny: How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire? Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha! Penny: Get them down. Sheldon: Apologize. Penny: Never. Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata. Penny: Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I've done some stupid things, you've done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives? Sheldon: I've done no stupid things. Penny: Look, you've got to meet me halfway here. Sheldon: I am meeting you halfway, I'm willing to concede that you've done some stupid things. Leonard: Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened? Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it's junior rodeo on. Leonard: Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do? Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night. Leonard (looking out of window): A-a-a-aw! Sheldon: Mwah-ha-ha. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard enters. Penny is taping together a number of long sticks. Penny: Telephone wires can't electrocute you, can they? Leonard: No. Look, this has to stop. Penny: Oh, no, no, no. It is just beginning. Leonard: All right, I really didn't want to do this, but... here. Penny: What's this? Leonard: Sheldon's Kryptonite. Penny: Oh, my God. Leonard: He can never know that I gave that to you. Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but, but this? Leonard: It'll shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives. Scene: The living room. Raj: Oh, pause it. That's it. Confirmed. We now have the address of the top model house. Howard: God bless you, Google Street View registered trademark. Leonard: Okay, for the record what you're doing is really creepy. Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy. Leonard (into phone, which has just rung): Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I'll get him. Sheldon, it's for you. Sheldon: Who is it? Leonard: Your mother. Sheldon: Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that's not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you're right, I don't really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me? Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes. Scene: Outside Penny's door. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny... (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here's your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished. Penny: Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that's, that's not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Sheldon: Thank you. Penny: Good night, Sheldon. Sheldon: Penny. Penny: Yes? Sheldon: Well played. Penny: Thank you. Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility. Penny: Understood. Scene: The top model house. The doorbell rings. One of the models answers. Howard and Raj are outside wearing blue jumpsuits. Model: Can I help you Howard: Yes, we here to fix the cable. Model: I think we have satellite. Howard: That's what I meant. Model: Oh. Okay, come on in. Howard: She's taller than all the women in my family combined. Raj: What do we do now? Howard: Follow Mrs. Wolowitz.	Plan: A: Penny's TV cable; Q: What is blocked after she fails to keep up with her monthly payments? A: Penny; Q: Who sabotages Sheldon's laundry night? A: Sheldon's despair; Q: What did Sheldon feel when Penny went to the guys' apartment to watch America's Next Top Model? A: Howard's and Raj's delight; Q: Who was pleased that Penny went to the guys' apartment to watch America's Next Top Model? A: Howard; Q: Who finds out that the models in America's Next Top Model are in Los Angeles? A: Raj; Q: Who helped Howard get into the house? A: Sheldon's onion rings; Q: What did Penny accidentally touch? A: his spot; Q: What did Penny sit on on Sheldon's couch? A: 'three strikes; Q: What does Sheldon call Penny for touching his onion rings and sitting on his couch? A: the Cheesecake Factory; Q: Where does Penny refuse to serve Sheldon after he banishes her from his apartment? A: Their dispute escalates; Q: What happens when Penny refuses to serve Sheldon at the Cheesecake Factory? A: Penny's Wi-fi access; Q: What does Sheldon block? A: an outdoor telephone wire; Q: Where did Sheldon hang Penny's clean underwear? A: Penny Sheldon's mother's phone number; Q: What did Leonard give Penny to complain to about Sheldon? A: Sheldon's kryptonite; Q: What is the name of Sheldon's mother's phone number? A: His mother; Q: Who forces Sheldon to apologize to Penny? Summary: When Penny's TV cable is blocked after she fails to keep up with her monthly payments, she goes to the guys' apartment to watch America's Next Top Model, to Sheldon's despair and Howard's and Raj's delight. However, she accidentally touches Sheldon's onion rings and sits on his spot on the couch, thus scoring 'three strikes' including an earlier 'offense', so he banishes her from his apartment. She later refuses to serve him at the Cheesecake Factory. Their dispute escalates, with Sheldon blocking Penny's Wi-fi access and Penny sabotaging Sheldon's laundry night. Eventually, after Sheldon hangs her clean underwear on an outdoor telephone wire, Leonard gives Penny Sheldon's mother's phone number, "Sheldon's kryptonite", so Penny can complain to her about Sheldon. His mother forces him to apologize to Penny and give back her laundry. Meanwhile, Howard finds out that the models in America's Next Top Model are in a house in Los Angeles. Determined to enter the house, he and Raj search for it using all available technologies, legal and otherwise, and actually find it. Howard and Raj finally get in by posing as cable guys.
5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM STEVEN: Okay, but we've got to get off here somehow! DOCTOR: It's imperative we leave at once! STEVEN: Why is that that? The Drahvins did say fourteen dawns. DOCTOR: Two dawns! Tomorrow is the last day this planet will ever see! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (VICKI is alone. She goes over to the observation window...) (...and looks out.) WILLIAM EMMS [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM STEVEN: We've gotta get back - get Vicki away from the Drahvins! (STEVEN crosses over to the DOCTOR.) STEVEN: The doors, Doctor! Can we see the scanner? (The DOCTOR operates the scanner. A CHUMBLEY is moving towards the TARDIS, carrying a black phial-shaped object about eighteen inches in length supported on two wires.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. EXT. PLANET (The CHUMBLEY gets near to the TARDIS.) STEVEN: (OOV.) What's that it's got? DOCTOR: (OOV.) I wish I knew. (The CHUMBLEY moves right in, bumping into the side of the police box, then drops the phial. The CHUMBLEY chatters, turns about, and moves off. As it does so, two wires can be seen in its grip, running back to the phial. The CHUMBLEY moves away to a safe distance, turns to face the TARDIS and halts, holding the ends of the wires a few inches apart.) STEVEN: (OOV.) Perhaps it's just going to stand guard there. DOCTOR: (OOV.) No. No! It's...it's...it's waiting for something. STEVEN: (OOV.) But what? DOCTOR: (OOV.) I can't quite see. Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM STEVEN: Doctor, I...I think it's holding a couple of wires. DOCTOR: Yeah... STEVEN: (Shouts.) Look! (There is a loud explosion. The TARDIS shakes and then is still again. STEVEN gets up and shakes his head to clear it.) STEVEN: (Breathlessly.) Doctor? Doctor, where are you? (The DOCTOR sits up from behind the console. STEVEN goes over and helps him to his feet. The DOCTOR and STEVEN take a few steps. Then there is another explosion. Both cry out. They both try again to catch their breaths.) STEVEN: (Breathlessly.) Doctor... (He helps him to his feet again.) DOCTOR: (Panting.) Oh, thank you, my boy. Oh! Oh! I think Guy Fawkes must have been resurrected! STEVEN: Oh, please, Doctor! DOCTOR: Oh... STEVEN: You all right? DOCTOR: Yes, well... Are you all right dear boy, hmm? STEVEN: (Breathlessly.) Yes, fine, thanks. DOCTOR: Oh... STEVEN: Do you think it's done any damage? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It'd take more than that to get in here. (They suddenly hear the sound of the CHUMBLEY - bumping and sliding and humming and whistling.) DOCTOR: Oh! STEVEN: It's all right, Doctor. I think it's just come to investigate. DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) Yes, well, it's going to be disappointed, isn't it? (STEVEN and the DOCTOR look at the scanner. The DOCTOR motions towards the screen on which the CHUMBLEY is seen to depart.) DOCTOR: Look! You see! There they go! (Gleefully.) Look, away into the distance. Empty-handed! (Laughs.) STEVEN: Yes, they've given up. DOCTOR: Yes! Yes, unless they...they come back with a piece more trouble, I wonder. Come on, we must go. (He opens the doors.) DOCTOR: So...so little time. STEVEN: Two dawns, hmm? DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Two dawns. Come on! Come on! (They leave the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (VICKI is still at the window looking outside. MAAGA is in the living quarters sat at a table with a plate of food.) MAAGA: Are you sure you won't eat? VICKI: (Surly.) No, thank you. (MAAGA starts to eat the food.) MAAGA: (With her mouth full.) It's very good. (VICKI comes over and looks in disgust at what MAAGA is eating.) VICKI: It looks like leaves to me. MAAGA: It is leaves. VICKI: Leaves? Is that what you eat? MAAGA: (With her mouth full.) Of course! VICKI: Eurgh! MAAGA: Everything that lives must eat. (VICKI walks back to the window.) VICKI: (Worried.) They've been gone ages. It must be at least two hours. MAAGA: They'll be back soon. VICKI: Not if a Chumbley gets them first. MAAGA: They won't allow themselves to be caught. They're much too worried about you. VICKI: That's why you've kept me here, isn't it? (MAAGA does not respond. VICKI goes over to her.) VICKI: Isn't it? MAAGA: You're safe here. VICKI: (With a sarcastic laugh.) Safe! MAAGA: Exactly. VICKI: Look! Can't I go and look for them? MAAGA: If they're not back soon, we will go and look for them. VICKI: Well, let me go now! MAAGA: No, I can't let you do that...because you might all escape in your spaceship. And we need your help. VICKI: Whether we want to give it or not. (MAAGA gives VICKI an unpleasant smile.) MAAGA: Oh, I'm sure that all of you want to help us. (She continues eating.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (STEVEN approaches the spaceship.) STEVEN: Well, we've made it Doctor. You know, this is a pretty strange kind of spaceship. (The DOCTOR walks up behind him.) DOCTOR: Are you talking to yourself, dear boy, hmm? STEVEN: I was just saying that it's a strange kind of spaceship. DOCTOR: Yes... STEVEN: Old-fashioned. DOCTOR: Yes, I don't think much of it. It's not very well advanced, is it? In fact, as you say, it's old-fashioned. (Laughs.) Yes! I don't think these Drahvins are very intelligent, do you? (The DOCTOR begins searching through his pockets.) STEVEN: Yeah, but it's the metal, I mean, Doctor, you know. Well, it's inferior! DOCTOR: Hmm. (The DOCTOR takes a screwdriver out of his pocket and starts to scratch the hull with it.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, it's tough, but, er, it's not impregnable. No, it's very common metal really. Yes, it's, er, nothing unusual, nothing unusual. Well, I suggest that we go in instead of standing around here admiring the scenery. Come along. (The DOCTOR heads for the entrance door.) STEVEN: (Surprised.) Well, what are you talking about Doctor?! It's you who stopped to fiddle around on ... DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) But, you brought up the subject! Now don't argue, please! (STEVEN groans in despair.) DOCTOR: Don't argue! (Stutters.) I've never heard such rubbish! Huh! (The DOCTOR goes to the door and raps sharply on it with his stick.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (Hearing the knocking on the door, MAAGA operates the control to open it while VICKI waits expectantly.) MAAGA: Your friends. Safe, you see? VICKI: No thanks to you, though, is it? (The DOCTOR and STEVEN enter. VICKI runs toward to them.) STEVEN: All right Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, yes! VICKI: (Relieved.) Oh, Doctor, you're all right! DOCTOR: Yes, my child, I'm all right. VICKI: You were away so long! (The DOCTOR and STEVEN speak at once. STEVEN wins out.) STEVEN: Yes. Well, we'd have been a lot quicker if it hadn't been for the Doc... (STEVEN sees the look that the DOCTOR is giving him.) STEVEN: We got held up by a Chumbley. DOCTOR: It tried to blow us up inside the TARDIS. (He then laughs.) MAAGA: (Sharply.) It didn't succeed? DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Well of course they didn't! My ship's not made of tin like this old trash! (The DOCTOR laughs.) DOCTOR: Good gracious me! Seems if I cough too loud, maybe the whole thing would fall to pieces! (Laughs.) MAAGA: It served its purpose. DOCTOR: Yes, whatever that might be, hmm. (Laughs.) (MAAGA operates a control and the door shuts.) DOCTOR: Is that necessary? MAAGA: We have to protect ourselves against the machines. DOCTOR: Hmm. MAAGA: (Urgently.) Did you find out about this planet? DOCTOR: Yes. MAAGA: Will it explode? DOCTOR: I'm afraid so. MAAGA: When? DOCTOR: Exactly when the Rills said it would - in fourteen dawns time. (STEVEN is about to speak but then decides against it.) MAAGA: (Softly.) Fourteen dawns. VICKI: Well, we should go, shouldn't we? We should... (VICKI stops speaking. The DOCTOR sits down at the table.) MAAGA: Doctor... DOCTOR: Mmm. MAAGA: Will you help us? DOCTOR: Er, to do what, exactly? MAAGA: To capture the Rill spaceship so that we can escape? (The DOCTOR starts laughing, but then speaks with annoyance.) DOCTOR: And how do I do that, hmm? What happens then, hmm? MAAGA: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, I mean, er, what happens to the Rills, hmm? MAAGA: Well, they remain on this planet! VICKI: (Horrified.) To be blown up? MAAGA: (Intensely.) They are murderers! STEVEN: Why couldn't you take them up with you? MAAGA: (Softly.) Because they're evil! You only have to see them to know. Evil! DOCTOR: We only have your word for that. In any case, I can't help you. MAAGA: (With desperation.) Why not? DOCTOR: (Loudly.) In the first place, madam, I never kill anything! Neither do my friends. (He walks away from her.) MAAGA: Well, either the Rills die or we do! DOCTOR: Or, as the young man suggests, why don't you both go off together, mm? MAAGA: Impossible! (The DOCTOR laughs to himself.) STEVEN: Come on, what's so impossible about it? Have you ever tried being friendly? DOCTOR: Yes, a very good question, dear boy. VICKI: It seems to me you want to be enemies. MAAGA: The situation was forced upon us. STEVEN: Or maybe they killed your soldier by mistake. MAAGA: (Angrily.) There's no mistake about it! STEVEN: Well, you seem pretty sure for someone who was half unconscious after the crash! MAAGA: You, too, doubt my word. VICKI: We'd be pretty stupid not to. DOCTOR: Yes, all these objections sum up mine. It's none of our business. It's impossible. I'm afraid we can't help you. And it does appear to me that, ah, none of you have tried to help yourselves. STEVEN: Too busy fighting... MAAGA: You will not change your mind? DOCTOR: No. MAAGA: This is your last chance. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Very likely! (MAAGA pulls a hand weapon from her belt and points it at the DOCTOR.) MAAGA: You may not realize it, but at first I point this at your hand and then I pull the trigger and... (From the first moment when MAAGA drew the gun, STEVEN has been judging his distance. Suddenly, he leaps and grabs the gun with both hands, forcing it upwards. They sway to and fro while VICKI and the DOCTOR watch in consternation. At one point their struggle knocks them against the table and sends it and the plate of "food" crashing away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (Outside, the three DRAHVINS return from patrol. They enter the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (As they observe what is happening, they raise their guns.) VICKI: Steven! (STEVEN sees the guns and gives up the struggle.) DOCTOR: A very good attempt, my boy. Never mind. MAAGA: You'll help us now? DOCTOR: Yes, er, I don't seem to have much chance. MAAGA: You have none whatsoever! The Rills are repairing their spaceship. They have fourteen dawns in which to complete it. (STEVEN and the DOCTOR glance at each other, a gesture which MAAGA notices. There is a brief silence.) MAAGA: It is fourteen, isn't it? DOCTOR: Oh, er, yes, quite. MAAGA: You sure? DOCTOR: Yes, quite sure! MAAGA: (Softly.) Suddenly, I don't believe you! DOCTOR: Oh, but, ah, why should I lie, hmm? MAAGA: I really don't know, but to trick us or something. (Harshly.) When is this planet due to explode? DOCTOR: (Emphatically.) Fourteen dawns time! MAAGA: Very well. We shall kill the girl! (MAAGA nods her head and two of the DRAHVINS seize VICKI. The third points her gun at her. The DOCTOR reluctantly concedes.) DOCTOR: Two dawns. (MAAGA is clearly stunned.) MAAGA: (Softly.) As soon as that? Well, you'll have to work quickly. The Rill spaceship is that way. (MAAGA points into the distance.) MAAGA: You will capture it for us! DOCTOR: It may not be ready yet. STEVEN: If it were, they'd have taken off by now. MAAGA: I'm sure that the Doctor can cope with that. DOCTOR: Oh, you have great faith in me, haven't you, mm? MAAGA: Yes, I have... (The DOCTOR laughs.) MAAGA: ...because I shall keep one of you here. I shall keep the girl! STEVEN: Oh no, you won't. You'll keep me! MAAGA: I said I shall keep... STEVEN: (Angrily.) Do you want our help or don't you? DOCTOR: (Angrily.) You will do as the young man suggests, hmm?! MAAGA: (With bad grace.) Very well, we'll keep him. DOCTOR: Come along Vicki - we have very little time. (VICKI follows the DOCTOR who stops at the airlock door.) DOCTOR: (To MAAGA.) Madam, do I begin by walking through this, hmm? (MAAGA presses the control and the door of the spaceship opens. The DOCTOR and VICKI look back at STEVEN and then leave.) STEVEN: Do you honestly believe that they can capture the Rills' spaceship all by themselves? MAAGA: Either they succeed... or we all die together. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (VICKI and the DOCTOR are outside the DRAHVIN spaceship. The DOCTOR gazes up at the sky, deep in thought.) VICKI: Doctor, come on. What are you standing there for? DOCTOR: Oh, (Stutters.) I was just ruminating about the night and day. I was wondering when it was going to get dark, then I just realized that there's three suns on this planet. Hmm, hmm. VICKI: What, you don't think they have night here at all? DOCTOR: Oh yes, they must, my dear, they must, otherwise this, ah, Maaga woman wouldn't be talking about dawns. Hmm, hmm. Probably lasts about two hours, mm. VICKI: Two hours? (He chuckles and then looks closely at the scratch on the spaceship hull that he made earlier.) DOCTOR: You remember when we were captured by those, er, Chumblies, hmm? VICKI: (Slightly laughing.) Yes, I do! DOCTOR: That ray gun - why did they use it on the ship? I mean, if the Rills are such enemies of the, er, Drahvins, why don't they just wipe them out, hmm? VICKI: Maybe their rays can't cut through metal or... DOCTOR: Oh, don't you believe that, my dear. Don't you believe that for one minute! Heh, heh! No! That... er, that ray gun could go through this like a piece of paper. VICKI: Oh, they don't even seem to have tried. DOCTOR: Mmm? No, it's all very odd, isn't it? (Laughs.) Yes, it's very odd. VICKI: Come on, Doctor, you said we haven't much time. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, of course, nearly one dawn. Yes, we must start that journey. Are you nervous? (VICKI shudders as she recalls the DRAHVIN'S description of the RILLS.) VICKI: Well, they sounded a bit nasty, didn't they? DOCTOR: Hmm, huh! (The DOCTOR and VICKI begin their journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (DRAHVINS ONE and TWO are eating at the table. STEVEN goes over to DRAHVIN TWO and touches her gun. Then he goes over to DRAHVIN ONE and takes her gun. To his surprise he realizes that both are non-functional. He then returns it.) STEVEN: Yes, well, it still won't work, but at least it looks prettier now. Can I have some food? (DRAHVIN ONE offers him two small tablets.) STEVEN: Is this all there is? DRAHVIN ONE: That is our food. STEVEN: Ugh. Does Maaga eat this? DRAHVIN ONE: No. She is our leader. STEVEN: Well, then I'll have some of what she eats. DRAHVIN ONE: You cannot. It is food for our leaders only. STEVEN: Well, that hardly seems fair, does it? DRAHVIN ONE: Fair? STEVEN: Yeah, I mean that, you know, she should have special food, and you have to eat this? DRAHVIN ONE: It is food. STEVEN: Does..., er, does Maaga have other special things? DRAHVIN ONE: She is our leader and has leader's things. STEVEN: What leader's things? DRAHVIN ONE: Her gun. STEVEN: Her gun? DRAHVIN ONE: Her food. A leader's gun can destroy anything. STEVEN: What, even the Chumblies? DRAHVIN ONE: Even the machines! STEVEN: Well, then, you know, surely it would be better if... er, if you all had these guns. Well then you wouldn't have to fear the machines. DRAHVIN ONE: There is only one gun. Maaga has that gun - as she is leader. STEVEN: You could take it with you when you went on patrol. DRAHVIN ONE: (Enlightened.) Yes. STEVEN: Doesn't it seem right that you should? DRAHVIN ONE: Only if Maaga says so! STEVEN: Yes, but I mean if you took it, and you...you went out and you destroyed the machine, Maaga would be pleased. (DRAHVIN ONE does not react. STEVEN speaks slower to make the DRAHVIN clone understand.) STEVEN: Maaga would be pleased if you destroyed the machine. DRAHVIN ONE: (Enlightened.) Yes! STEVEN: Well, then you should take it. DRAHVIN ONE: (Enlightened.) Yes... STEVEN: Well, I'll tell you what. You give me your gun, whilst you go and fetch Maaga's, and then we can both fight the machines together. DRAHVIN ONE: (Enlightened.) Yes... (Suddenly...) MAAGA: You're trying to be too clever! (MAAGA has entered the room unnoticed.) MAAGA: (To DRAHVIN ONE.) You have done badly. You will be punished. This is a prisoner. You must not talk to him! DRAHVIN ONE: He was talking! MAAGA: He was trying to trick you like the machine. DRAHVIN ONE: I... have done wrong. I did not understand. MAAGA: Go to your quarters. (DRAHVIN ONE leaves and DRAHVIN THREE enters to take her place. MAAGA turns coldly on STEVEN.) MAAGA: You must keep out of our way. STEVEN: I don't particularly want to be here at all. MAAGA: You don't have to be. STEVEN: Oh? MAAGA: You could easily escape from this planet. STEVEN: (Laughs.) Oh, could I? MAAGA: In your own ship. STEVEN: Oh, taking you with me, of course. MAAGA: Well, you wouldn't expect us to stay behind? STEVEN: No, I suppose not. MAAGA: All you have to do is to take us off this planet and you are free! STEVEN: Just like that? MAAGA: It's a fair offer. STEVEN: Oh yes. Yes. But, even assuming I believed you - that on the way you didn't decide that I was eating too much food - there is a snag. MAAGA: What's that? STEVEN: (Smiles.) I can't operate it. (MAAGA scoffs.) MAAGA: I couldn't if I tried. Only the Doctor could do that. It's his ship. Why don't you try making an offer to him? Or is it that you think he might be just a little bit too clever for you. I'm the gullible one, is that it? I'm not much help, am I? MAAGA: I could make you help us. STEVEN: No, you couldn't. I mean, even I can't do the impossible. (Softly sarcastic.) So sorry. MAAGA: (Angrily.) Get over there and stay there! (MAAGA points to a padded area in the corner of the room.) STEVEN: That's an order, is it? MAAGA: (Quietly.) Yes, it is. (With a last contemptuous stare at MAAGA, STEVEN moves off into the corner. First he sits, then lies down after taking another look at the DRAHVINS who are sitting at the table where MAAGA joins them. There is silence. Then DRAHVIN THREE nervously asks a question.) DRAHVIN THREE: Maaga! MAAGA: What is it? DRAHVIN THREE: Why do we not kill him now? MAAGA: (Softly.) I will let you kill him when I am good and ready. (STEVEN, of course, overhears this.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. PLANET (The DOCTOR and VICKI have reached a ridge from where, lying down, they observe several CHUMBLIES patrolling back and forth.) VICKI: Doctor, we'll never get past those sentries. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Fascinating things to watch, eh? (Laughs.) I wonder what the principal of the operation is? I suppose it's quite simple once you know, hmm? VICKI: Doctor! DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: How are we going to get past them? DOCTOR: Ah, yes, yes, that's quite a problem, my child, isn't it, hmm? VICKI: You're telling me it is! DOCTOR: Well, now don't lose patience, you see! Now look, in this case, first we must observe, note, collate, and then conclude. After that, perhaps we can act, hmm! VICKI: Yeah. Well, with the time we've got you'll have to do all that in about ten minutes flat! DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh! Quiet, quiet! (They duck out of sight as another CHUMBLEY glides close by. As it moves past, VICKI gets an idea. Another CHUMBLEY comes close. She picks up a rock and suddenly throws it down behind it. It does not react and continues on its course. She claps her hands clean but the DOCTOR is aghast...) DOCTOR: What the... what the... what do... what are you doing? VICKI: That's the answer, Doctor, I thought that if I... DOCTOR: My dear child! You'll get us killed! VICKI: Didn't you see? They only pick up sounds in front of them. If we keep immediately behind them, we... they won't know we're there. DOCTOR: Yes, yes yes, you may appear to be right, but it's dangerous, and it's... it's very risky! VICKI: That was no risk. DOCTOR: Hmm! (She counts on her fingers...) VICKI: I noted, observed, collated, concluded... and then I threw the rock! DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes, yes, quite so, yes, yes. You about finished? VICKI: Yes. DOCTOR: Now, this time I'll ta... I'll give you the benefit of the doubt! But, well now... now, I suppose we've got to make a run for it! (The DOCTOR struggles to get up.) DOCTOR: Ahh! VICKI: Are you sure you can manage? DOCTOR: Oh, I think I can drag my aged libs... limbs in some sort of resemblance of a run! Go on! (VICKI laughs as she and the DOCTOR run across the landscape, dodging any CHUMBLIES and are careful to remain behind the robots at all times.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The three clone DRAHVINS stand before MAAGA, each one rigidly holding her gun in front of her. MAAGA is before them. STEVEN is still pretending to be asleep in the background.) MAAGA: Power units! (The DRAHVINS clap their hands to the power units of their guns.) MAAGA: Off. (They click them off.) MAAGA: Guns. (Their right hands return to the guns.) MAAGA: Down. (The guns come down in unison on the table, the DRAHVINS still rigidly holding them.) MAAGA: Power units. (Their hands move to the power units.) MAAGA: Readings. (Each DRAHVIN looks at the small dial on their gun's power unit.) MAAGA: One? DRAHVIN ONE: Three-nine-seven! MAAGA: Two? DRAHVIN TWO: Three-nine-four! MAAGA: Three? DRAHVIN THREE: (Nervously.) Three-eight-six... MAAGA: (Icily.) Get it charged, Three. (DRAHVIN THREE gets up and goes to the wall...) MAAGA: All guns must be perfect. If any one is found defective... (THREE plugs her gun into a connection and presses a switch. There is a whine of power.) MAAGA: ...the owner will be severely punished! Because soon, now, we will use them. I, Maaga, will see to it. Soon, now, we will break into the Rills' spaceship. (The DRAHVINS look at each other and nod meaningfully.) MAAGA: And the Rills, they will all be wiped out! (STEVEN tilts his head slightly and looks at the DRAHVINS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. PLANET (The DOCTOR and VICKI move in and crouch down out of sight.) VICKI: (Breathlessly.) So far, so good! DOCTOR: Look... (He points.) DOCTOR: That looks like the home of the Rills. (VICKI looks in the direction the DOCTOR is pointing, towards a large building of triangle-shaped wall panels. This stands beside a vast black sphere. A small distance away from this is what appears to be a drill rig.) VICKI: That must be their space ship over there. DOCTOR: Yes, and what's... what's that other thing? VICKI: It looks like a...a drill rig. DOCTOR: Yes, it does, doesn't it? What could they be drilling for, hmm? VICKI: Oil? Gas? DOCTOR: Yeah. Well, there's only one way to find out. Go on! (They get up and more toward it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. THE RILL CENTRE (The two come near to the centre. Panels of frosted glass on a complicated series of triangular scaffolds hang down. Near a narrow entrance, affixed to the wall, is a piece of machinery of some kind. A CHUMBLEY emerges from a triangular entrance and comes to rest. Then it swings around and goes back in again. The DOCTOR and VICKI creep forward and the DOCTOR examines the construction.) VICKI: What on earth will we do if another one of those things comes out? DOCTOR: We'd be in trouble! Do you know, this is a nice piece of building! Hmm. VICKI: It looks very temporary to me. DOCTOR: It's most impressive! Yes! Heh, heh. Most impressive! (The DOCTOR moves on and notices the machinery.) DOCTOR: What's this, I wonder? Huh? (He examines it and draws a conclusion.) DOCTOR: You know, I think these Rills are far more advanced than I thought they were, hmm? (VICKI looks at the machinery.) VICKI: Yes, it looks like some kind of... air purifier. DOCTOR: Yes, or some kind of machinery for... converting air into something else. (Laughs.) Yes, it's most interesting. (VICKI is peering in to the passage. The DOCTOR moves to join her.) DOCTOR: Can you see anything? [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. PASSAGEWAY (The passageway looks empty.) VICKI: No. DOCTOR: I'll lead the way. (They walk inside. Off to one side is a narrow low curved passageway.) DOCTOR: (Laughs.) You know, this looks as though it's been built for the Chumblies. VICKI: A Chumbley-shaped corridor! (The DOCTOR laughs. VICKI grows serious...) VICKI: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? (VICKI looks at the larger passageway that they stand in.) VICKI: If this one is for the Rills...? DOCTOR: Hmm. Hmm! (The DOCTOR and VICKI look around.) DOCTOR: Can you smell anything? (VICKI sniffs and pauses.) VICKI: Very faint though, isn't it. DOCTOR: Hmm. What is it? VICKI: I don't know, but I... I feel as though I ought to. DOCTOR: Yes, so should I, mm. Come on! Hmm. (The DOCTOR and VICKI walk down the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. ANOTHER PASSAGEWAY (The DOCTOR and VICKI come into view. They are now deeper inside the Rill center. The DOCTOR pauses to examine the wall, running his hand over it.) DOCTOR: Well, I must say, it's a... astonishing shape and design. Hmm, hmm. Marvellous work! Marvellous! (VICKI continues on. She stops and turns back to the DOCTOR.) VICKI: That smell is getting stronger, you know. DOCTOR: It's what? Mmm? VICKI: Shh! (They both freeze. They hear an approaching CHUMBLEY. They hide as several more appear. One of them extends a sensor almost as though it detects the presence of the DOCTOR and VICKI. Finally, they all move off and the DOCTOR and VICKI come out of hiding.) VICKI: Oh, Doctor! I thought they'd heard us. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) What are they doing? Listening or smelling? (They both laugh.) DOCTOR: Come on. Come on. (The two continue...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (The DOCTOR and VICKI enter a large space and look about them. Here and there, neatly stacked are various constructional pieces; items of equipment and repair. There are several exits. One wall is black. It is the side of the RILLS' spaceship. The DOCTOR sees the black wall. The sound of machinery is heard humming in the background.) DOCTOR: A spaceship! (He walks over to it and examines it.) DOCTOR: (Impressed.) And you can't scratch the metal! Hmm, hmm. Isn't that astounding? Yes, it's far superior, far superior! Wonderful stuff for a spaceship. Hmm, hmm. VICKI: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? VICKI: I know what that smell is now. DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: Ammonia. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. THE RILL CENTRE (At the entrance to the Rill centre, a CHUMBLEY moves into the passageway. It meets another one of its kind and they bump and avoid each other before making the same way along the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (The DOCTOR and VICKI are still examining the chamber.) VICKI: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: What do you think this thing is here? DOCTOR: Well, I should say this is, ah, some sort of repair shop, hmm. (The DOCTOR points at one device.) DOCTOR: Yes, and that's a... what, a Chumbley attachment? VICKI: Yeah. (The DOCTOR and VICKI both chuckle.) DOCTOR: Yes, a revelation, a revelation! Hmm! Ah. (VICKI then notices a deactivated CHUMBLEY, its domes collapsed together, making it look smaller than the others.) VICKI: (Whispering.) Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: (Whispering.) Do you think it's a baby one? (The DOCTOR looks over the small CHUMBLEY. He taps it, it makes a dull sound, and then a small electronic sound, rising and lowering in pitch issues from it.) DOCTOR: Not awake just yet. (They both laugh.) DOCTOR: Well, hmm, hmm. Ah... (He chuckles again but the good mood is shattered as VICKI lets out an ear piercing scream. A pair of hideous round alien eyes are starting at them...)	Plan: A: Vicki; Q: Who nicknames the robot drones "Chumblies"? A: an arid planet; Q: Where do the Doctor, Vicki and Steven arrive on? A: The Rills; Q: Whose ship is almost ready to take off? A: friendly, compassionate explorers; Q: What are the Rills? A: dull-witted, cloned soldiers; Q: What are the Drahvins? A: the intelligent, warlike matriarch Maaga; Q: Who terrorizes the Drahvins? A: Both ships; Q: What is damaged on the planet? A: The Drahvins' craft; Q: What is irreparable? A: the oxygen atmosphere; Q: What are the Rills unable to breathe? A: efficient robot drones; Q: What do the Rills use to survive the oxygen atmosphere? A: numerous offers; Q: How many offers did the Rills make to take Maaga and her crew to safety? A: their aid; Q: What does Maaga refuse to accept from the Rills? A: disintegration; Q: What is the planet on the point of? A: the Rills' ship; Q: What does Maaga try to steal from the Rills? A: the Doctor; Q: Who allows the Rills to draw power from the TARDIS? A: their fate; Q: What does the Doctor leave the Drahvins to? Summary: Missing episode The Doctor, Vicki and Steven arrive on an arid planet where they meet the beautiful Drahvins and the hideous Rills. Each has crash-landed after a confrontation in space. The Rills are friendly, compassionate explorers. The Drahvins are dull-witted, cloned soldiers, terrorised by the intelligent, warlike matriarch Maaga. Both ships are damaged. The Drahvins' craft is irreparable, but the Rills' is almost ready to take off. Although unable to breathe the oxygen atmosphere, they employ efficient robot drones, which Vicki nicknames "Chumblies". Despite numerous offers by the Rills to take Maaga and her crew to safety, she refuses their aid. When the planet is discovered to be on the point of disintegration, Maaga tries to force the time travellers to help her steal the Rills' ship and kill the Rills. Instead, the Doctor allows the Rills to draw power from the TARDIS to refuel and escape, leaving the Drahvins to their fate.
[TRIQUETRA LOGO] HOLLY MARIE COMBS (NARRATOR): (v.o.) Previously on 'Charmed' ... [Scene from 8X16: Engaged and Confused] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT -- DAY] (Phoebe and Coop sit and talk.) COOP: Well, I'm Cupid. You can call me Coop. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scenes from 8X20: Gone With the Witches] [INT. MANOR - DINING ROOM -- DAY] (Phoebe confesses to Piper and Paige.) PHOEBE: I love Coop, okay? I'm in love with Coop. [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Coop and Phoebe kiss.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) I love him and I just can't help it. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scene from 8X10: Vaya Con Leos] [INT. UNDERWORLD - BURKE'S LAIR] (With a flash, Leo is entombed in a cryogenic chamber, frozen solid.) (The Angel of Destiny instructs Piper.) ANGEL OF DESTINY: If you prevail, he will be returned. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scenes from 8X20: Gone With the Witches] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Christy talks with Billie.) CHRISTY: Who do you think wrote in my diary and told you how to find me? (She turns and looks at Dumain.) CHRISTY: He prepared us for everything. DUMAIN: I was sent by the greater powers to show you your Destiny. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY] (Dumain talks with The Triad Spirit.) DUMAIN: We're almost there, my Lords. (Dumain bows his head. The Triad Spirit splits into three. [SCENE_BREAK] CANDOR: And so will begin the ultimate battle. DUMAIN: One which will destroy all the witches. Including Billie and Christy. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- NIGHT] (The Charmed Ones faces the angry magical community.) PAIGE: They're twisting everything. It's not what you think. [SCENE_BREAK] (Christy starts the fireball.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Phoebe runs to get the Book of Shadows.) PHOEBE: The Book. (Paige orbs them out just as the fireball passes through them, hitting the far wall - completely demolishing it.) [INT. UNDERWORLD CAVE -- NIGHT] (Mid-motion, the girls re-orb and hit the dirt ground hard.) GIRLS: Unhh! (They turn and look back only to find themselves in a dirty underworld cavern.) PHOEBE: What? How did we get here? (Piper gets up.) PIPER: We're the bad guys now. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF PREVIOUSLY ON. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. UNDERWORLD - CAVE 1] (The underworld cave is dark with miniature volcanoes that spew out light and smoke, echoes of demonic voices fill the air. In the back of the cave, Piper, Phoebe and Paige cautiously enter and make their way across the cavern.) (Paige is carrying the Book of Shadows.) PAIGE: Wait, you guys. Wait for me. This thing's heavy. PIPER: We got to keep moving. PHOEBE: I think we're going in circles 'cause this looks very familiar. PAIGE: It all looks the same to me, too. PIPER: Of course it does. It's the underworld. It all looks the same. How many looks can they come up with? PAIGE: No wonder they want to take over our world. This is ugly. PHOEBE: They've already taken over our world. That's why we're stuck down here. We got to do something. (Then they hear it, a blast of something hitting something hard. The girls gasp and duck, not knowing where the attack is coming from or where it's going.) PHOEBE: Come on. (Phoebe motions for them to follow her and they scoot for cover behind some rocks.) PIPER: I'm open to suggestions. PHOEBE: Uhm. Maybe we should talk to the leprechauns again. PAIGE: No. I've had it with the leprechauns. PIPER: I think they've made their allegiance pretty clear. PHOEBE: They wouldn't even give us a chance to explain. PIPER: I don't think it would have mattered. Billie and Christy have everybody thinking that we're the threat. (A fireball comes out from nowhere and smashes high above the rocks they're hiding behind. The girls duck from the falling debris. It's not safe there.) PHOEBE: We got to get out of here. (Paige nods. The girls stand up.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - NIGHT] (Dumain walks confidently into the black room. The door closes behind him. He puts a hand on his chest and bows his head.) (The Triad Spirit appears - three spirits, three voices in one.) TRIAD SPIRIT: Why haven't the Charmed Ones attacked yet? DUMAIN: They will. I assure you. (The Triad Spirit splits into three.) ASMODEUS: When? DUMAIN: When they're at their most desperate. When they realize they have no other choice. CANDOR: And Billie and Christy? DUMAIN: They've taken over the Halliwell Manor. And they've got the entire magical community behind them. Not to mention us. BALIEL: But are they prepared for the attack? DUMAIN: (confidently) They will be. (Dumain smiles.) FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS SAN FRANCISCO CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Billie is pacing the floor in front of the broken attic window. She kicks the glass with her foot, stops and looks out the broken window.) (Christy walks in.) CHRISTY: Where did everyone go? (Billie turns around to look at Christy.) BILLIE: Oh, I sent them home. I thought they'd be safer away from us. (Christy is holding Billie's notebook.) CHRISTY: But we might need their help. The sisters - BILLIE: -- are gonna come after us. I know. But it's not the magical community's fight. It's ours. 'It's our Destiny.' CHRISTY: Here we go again. BILLIE: Don't worry. I know it's the right thing and it's all for the greater good. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. CHRISTY: Look, Billie, I know this is hard for you. Okay? But it'll all be over soon. I promise. BILLIE: Don't be so sure. We came after them with our best shot, and they still got away. CHRISTY: Yeah, but barely. BILLIE: It just makes me think that maybe we don't have enough to go up against them. They aren't the most powerful witches of all time for nothing. CHRISTY: But we're no slouches either. Besides, we don't know what would've happened. They got away before our best shot hit them. (Billie doesn't say anything.) CHRISTY: You know, Dumain thinks we should use vanquishing potions next time. BILLIE: (horrified) Vanquishing potions? CHRISTY: You wrote down their most powerful ones. If we catch them off guard, they won't stand a chance against us. (Coop flashes into the attic. Billie and Christy take a cautious step back. He turns and sees them.) COOP: Billie. (Coop glances around as he takes a couple of steps toward them.) COOP: (easily) What are you guys doing here? BILLIE: Oh, it's a long story. COOP: Oh. What happened? CHRISTY: That's what we're still trying to figure out. So what brings you here? COOP: I'm looking for Phoebe. I can't find her anywhere. CHRISTY: When was the last time you saw her? COOP: Last night at her loft. Someone put her under a spell, and, uh - (Billie and Christy glance at each other. Coop is suddenly very wary of them. He shrugs and shakes his head. He stops talking before he gives too much away.) COOP: Oh, never mind. If you see her, just let her know I'm looking for her, huh? CHRISTY: Absolutely. And you do the same. We're looking for her, too. (Coop glances over and sees the broken glass on the floor. He looks at Billie, then flashes out. Billie immediately turns to Christy.) BILLIE: Wait. He said she was under a spell. CHRISTY: So? BILLIE: Phoebe said the same thing. That makes me wonder -- CHRISTY: (interrupts) She'll say anything to save herself. So will he. Come on. We have a potion to make. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. UNDERWORLD - CAVE 2] (Piper stands next to Phoebe. They're both looking at something on the ground in front of them.) PHOEBE: Okay, do it. (Piper blasts the small pile of rocks to start a warm fire for them.) (Paige holds out a hand in front of the fire to warm herself. Piper and Phoebe kneel down in front of the fire.) PIPER: Okay, we can't keep playing "Survivor: Underworld" much longer. What are we gonna do? PAIGE: (hopeful) How about we just orb home? PHOEBE: No, it's too risky. Billie and Christy will be waiting for us, and their new friends. (Phoebe holds her hands out in front of the fire to warm herself.) PAIGE: Okay, well, we got to do something fast because word is gonna get around that we're down here. PIPER: She's right. We can't fend off demons forever. We need a plan. PAIGE: Maybe just give up. (She chuckles wryly.) PIPER: What?! PAIGE: It's just that every time we go out and try to get a life -- meet people, do new things -- we seem to wind up back in these kind of lame positions. Giving up's not such a bad idea, is it? PHOEBE: No, I'm not giving up. Not now. And not after I finally found someone I could see having a future with. Look, if we want our lives and ... Leo back, we're gonna have to fight. PAIGE: Fight Billie and Christy. PHOEBE: Exactly. PIPER: Are you sure you can do it? I mean really do it. Can you kill them? PHOEBE: Yeah. They're no different than demons now. Not after all of this. (She indicates the underworld cave around them as well as everything else that's happened. The girls lapse into silence as they take that in.) (Suddenly, three demons shimmer into the cavern a distance behind Paige. One of them has an energy ball in his hand ready to go.) (Piper and Phoebe get to their feet.) PIPER: Look out. (The Demon throws the energy ball at Piper. She blasts it mid-air, then blasts the demon. He explodes.) (A second demon throws an energy ball. Paige quickly deflects it back at the third demon.) PAIGE: Energy ball. (The demon explodes.) (Phoebe pulls Piper and Paige away as they take off running with the second demon giving chase. A fourth demon, Zohar, shimmers in and follows more slowly - watching them.) PHOEBE: Go, go, go. WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. CITY STREET IN FRONT THE BAY MIRROR - ESTABLISHING -- DAY] (Open on a bus bench with an 'ASK PHOEBE' ad on the back. A yellow taxi cab passes by.) (Camera rises up and lingers on THE BAY MIRROR building.) [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - BULLPEN - DAY] (The bullpen is bustling. A demon, Nomed, enters the bullpen and casually stands in the center of the room, his arms crossed, looking around. He turns and sees Phoebe's office.) (He walks over to Phoebe's office.) [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - PHOEBE'S OFFICE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Nomed enters Phoebe's office and goes through her mail.) (Elise stands in the doorway.) ELISE ROTHMAN: Excuse me. Can I help you? NOMED: I'm sorry. I was just looking for Miss Halliwell. ELISE ROTHMAN: And you are? NOMED: I'm, uh, an admirer of hers. For quite some time now. ELISE ROTHMAN: Fine. Well, if you'd like an autographed picture, just leave your name and address -- NOMED: (interrupts) I don't want a picture. I'm actually here for personal reasons. ELISE ROTHMAN: And may I ask what it's regarding? NOMED: Well, like I said, it's ... it's personal. ELISE ROTHMAN: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. NOMED: Of course. Forgive me. (He walks past Elise and out of the office.) [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - BULLPEN - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (He stops and turns.) NOMED: It's just that she's not been back to her condo for a couple of weeks, nor to her sister's house, and I can't seem to find her anywhere. I'm just a little concerned, that's all. Aren't you? (Elise doesn't say anything. Nomed turns and leaves. Once he's gone, Elise breathes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREET - DAY] (Nomed and Zohar are walking down the street past the ASK PHOEBE bus bench. Zohar reports back to Nomed.) NOMED: Are you sure it was them? ZOHAR: They vanquished our best. And Kadl hasn't been heard from since he followed them. NOMED: I believe that if it's the Charmed Ones, he's dead, too, just like the rest. ZOHAR: Then why do we keep sending demons in after them? It's suicide. (They stop walking for a moment.) NOMED: No, no, no. It's necessary. I need to understand what they're doing down there. It's so - (searches, admires) -- uncharacteristic of them. (He smiles as he looks around.) NOMED: After all, they love it up here. (They continue walking.) NOMED: They have everything they want -- friends, family, a little romance. ZOHAR: So then what are they doing in the underworld? What are they running from? NOMED: My old mentors. ZOHAR: The Triad? NOMED: Who else? They're the only ones powerful enough to turn their world upside down. ZOHAR: But I thought the Triad had been vanquished. NOMED: Well, they have, but they always resurrect sooner or later. First in spirit form, then completely. (bitter about it) You see, it's why our generation can never take power. They won't let us 'cause they just keep coming back. ZOHAR: But it's our right. It's our time. NOMED: Perhaps. But they're too powerful. We can't yet eliminate them, at least not without help. (stops, pointed) Charmed help. ZOHAR: What are you talking about? NOMED: Phoebe hasn't been to work in days. But it's so much more than a job to her. She gets to help people with her column. She needs that. (knowing) She misses that. Just like Piper misses her children and Paige misses her new husband. And they'll do anything to get it all back. Believe me. Even if it means ... working with us. (Confident of his assessment, Nomed smiles at Zohar and continues on. Zohar follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VICTOR'S CONDO (STOCK) - DAY] (Establishing.) [INT. VICTOR'S CONDO - DAY] (Wyatt and Victor have their arms flat on the table and their chins resting on the backs of their hands as they contemplate the intense game of CANDYLAND that they're in the middle of playing.) (In the background, Baby Chris is in his playpen.) VICTOR BENNETT: Unless you draw a double red, you don't stand a chance, my man. (He nods.) Go ahead. Pick that card. (Wyatt picks a card. It's a SINGLE BLUE.) (Victor laughs in triumph. Wyatt puts the card down on the pack. Suddenly the card ORBS OUT. Victor watches it suspiciously. Another card ORBS IN and when the orb lights clear - we see it's a DOUBLE RED!) (Wyatt grins.) VICTOR BENNETT: Hey, that's cheating. WYATT: (defensive) It wasn't me. It's Chris. VICTOR BENNETT: (not buying it) No way. He doesn't have any powers yet. WYATT: (smiles) Yes, he does. (Victor looks back at Chris who laughs at him.) (Coop flashes in the room. Not recognizing him at all, Victor is on guard.) VICTOR BENNETT: Wyatt, shield. (Victor points to Chris in the playpen.) VICTOR BENNETT: Orb. (Coop watches as Wyatt orbs out. Victor gets to his feet. Wyatt then orbs back in next to the playpen. A large shield appears surrounding both he and Chris.) (Victor picks up a poker and brandishes it at Coop.) VICTOR BENNETT: All right. Who the hell are you and what do you want? (Coop holds up a hand.) COOP: You've got the wrong idea. I'm a friend. I'm a Cupid. VICTOR BENNETT: (scoffs) Yeah, right. Get out of here, or I'll sic my grandson on you. COOP: (to Victor) I'm telling you, I'm not the bad guy. (Coop turns and talks with Wyatt.) COOP: Hey, Wyatt. What's going on, buddy? You remember me? Huh? At Paige's wedding with Aunt Phoebe? Saw you sneak a little bit of cake before the ceremony with Henry. (Wyatt looks at Coop and remembers. The shield vanishes.) COOP: Oh, there we go. All right. See? (Victor slowly brings down the poker.) VICTOR BENNETT: Sorry. We're a little on edge around here. COOP: Yeah, I see that. Listen, I know a little something about what's going on here and that's actually why I came here. But I'm looking for Phoebe everywhere. I can't find her. I'm worried. VICTOR BENNETT: Phoebe, huh? COOP: Yeah. VICTOR BENNETT: She and her sisters are just fine. They sent me a message not too long ago. COOP: Really? Where are they? VICTOR BENNETT: Well, you don't get to know that. And frankly, I don't have any more time or patience for Cupids or fairies and others like you. Especially after the way you treated my girls. So buzz off. COOP: I completely understand where you're coming from. But I'm different. I swear. I'm in love with your daughter. VICTOR BENNETT: (groans) Oh, for the love of God. COOP: And I just want to help her. VICTOR BENNETT: If you really want to help her, stay away from her and let her live her life, if she survives this anyway. COOP: Victor, listen to me-- VICTOR BENNETT: Listen. I mean it. I've watched one daughter go to hell and back falling for some magical being, and I'm not about to go through that again. And I'm not about to let Phoebe go through that. She deserves better. She's been through too much. COOP: Nobody will ever love your daughter more than me. Ever. (Victor scoffs.) I promise you that. VICTOR BENNETT: What do you know about love? COOP: I'm a Cupid. VICTOR BENNETT: That doesn't mean squat unless you had your heart broken. Have you had your heart broken? COOP: No. VICTOR BENNETT: Then you don't know about love. Believe me. (Coop doesn't say anything.) VICTOR BENNETT: Listen. I, uh ... I'm sorry I'm so cranky, but I've got a lot on my mind. Just ... just do us a favor and let us be, okay? We've got enough to worry about here. COOP: Victor, I am in love with your daughter, and there's nothing that you can say that's going to change that. So please, when you hear from her, just call out my name, okay? It's Coop. I'll be waiting. (Coop flashes out.) (Victor turns and looks at his grandsons, then turns and considers the empty space where Coop was standing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (BAMM! Piper adds some ingredients to the potions pot and it reacts. White smoke rises from the pot. Phoebe walks in carrying more ingredients.) PHOEBE: (hushed voice) Hey, you guys, keep it down. They could still be in the house, you know. PIPER: Here's hoping. PHOEBE: Yeah, but we don't want to have to attack before we're ready. PAIGE: Well, I wish we hadn't taken the Book of Shadows to your condo. We could've used it. PIPER: I don't think we're going to need it. PAIGE: Still, I don't want to take any chances after what happened last time. PHOEBE: Okay, well, that should be enough. They are human after all. PIPER: I'm not so sure. (Phoebe sighs.) PHOEBE: All right, get the vials. (Phoebe picks up the empty vials and starts filling them.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [CU: CLOSED DOOR] (The door opens. Paige looks inside. Behind her in the hallway, we see Phoebe and Piper checking out the other rooms as well.) (Paige turns around and looks at them.) [INT. MANOR - SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The sisters gather in the hallway.) PIPER: Anything? PHOEBE: No. (They head for the stairway.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS/MAIN HALL - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Piper, Phoebe and Paige slowly descend the stairway, cautiously looking out for Billie or Christy.) (They reach the bottom and look around.) PAIGE: I guess they're not here. PHOEBE: Maybe they're at magic school. (Billie and Christy step out from the conservatory.) BILLIE: No, we're not. PAIGE: Waiting for us, I see. CHRISTY: We knew you'd have to come back here eventually. PIPER: Yes, well, seeing how it is our house. Oh, wow. I see we have potions. BILLIE: You taught me well. PIPER: (how ironic) Hmm. CHRISTY: So what are you waiting for? (Paige looks at them suspiciously.) PIPER: Nothing. (Piper and Phoebe get ready to throw their vials. Paige stops them.) PAIGE: Stop it. Stop. (Astral Christy turns and looks at Astral Billie.) ASTRAL CHRISTY: I told you this wouldn't make them attack first. (The Billie and Christy in the conservatory vanish. Paige, Phoebe and Piper walk over to the conservatory.) PHOEBE: What was that? PAIGE: Billie's projection power. (Billie and Christy run out from the dining room. They quickly throw their vials.) (Paige, Piper and Phoebe turn around, see them, and throw their vials also.) [CU: VIALS] (The vials collide mid-air and EXPLODE.) (The force of the vanquishing explosion is so great that it throws Piper, Phoebe and Paige backward toward the conservatory windows. It also throws Billie and Christy up and back toward the stair railing.) [EXT. MANOR - BACK YARD - DAY] (The Charmed Ones smash backward through the conservatory windows.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS - DAY] (Billie and Christy are thrown up high and smash backward against the far stairway wall.) [EXT. MANOR - BACK YARD - DAY] (Phoebe wakes up and looks at Piper who is still unconscious.) (Paige is all right.) PAIGE: (to Phoebe) You okay? (Phoebe checks on Piper.) PIPER: Piper, are you okay? (Piper doesn't get up.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS - DAY] (Billie and Christy groan and slowly get up.) [EXT. MANOR - BACK YARD - DAY] (Phoebe turns and keeps and eye on them.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS - DAY] (Christy turns and looks directly at Phoebe.) (Billie sees the blood on the back of Christy's shoulder. She grabs her.) BILLIE: Oh, my god. You're hurt. (Christy pulls away from Billie's touch. All she wants is to get the Charmed Ones.) CHRISTY: Where are the other vials? [EXT. MANOR - BACK YARD - DAY] (Phoebe doesn't like it.) PHOEBE: Let's get her out of here. (Phoebe and Paige each hold onto Piper's hands as Paige orbs them out.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS - DAY] (Christy sees them orb out.) CHRISTY: Damn it. BILLIE: All right. Come on. We've got to take care of this. CHRISTY: No. It doesn't matter. BILLIE: Well, it matters to me. Let's go. (Billie grabs Christy and drags her upstairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLDEN PARK BUILDING (STOCK) - DAY] (Establish.) [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (The girls orb into Phoebe's loft. Phoebe quickly looks at Paige.) PHOEBE: I'll go get her some water. (She and Paige both start to get up, but are then zapped by a wave of white light.) (They fall back to the floor, unconscious.) (Nomed steps out, his arm raised as he's just zapped them. Zohar is right behind him. They slowly walk up toward the unconscious girls.) ZOHAR: How did you know they'd come here? NOMED: Where else could they go? ZOHAR: It's tempting just to kill them now, isn't it? NOMED: Oh, it's never that easy. History proves that. Besides ... we need them as much as they need us. (Nomed looks at the girls on the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLDEN PARK BUILDING (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (ON Phoebe, Piper and Paige, all stirring. Phoebe wakes up first, opens her eyes, and doesn't like what she sees. She gets up and immediately starts shaking Piper and Paige to wake up.) PHOEBE: Piper, Paige, wake up. PAIGE: What? (Nomed stands up and buttons his jacket. Zohar lounges in the back.) NOMED: Well, it's about time. (The sisters get to their feet.) PAIGE: Oh, okay, Piper, blast. NOMED: Wait. If you vanquish me now, who'll help you stop the Triad? PHOEBE: We already stopped the Triad. NOMED: Yes, but they came back. Or didn't you know? (off their looks) They're Evil Incarnate. And since evil never really dies, neither do they, or at least not for long. Who else could invert morality to the point of making you out to be as bad as us? (scoffs) Billie and Christy? I don't think so. PAIGE: We always knew somebody else was behind them. PIPER: All right. What do you want? NOMED: We want to help you. PHOEBE: How? By knocking us out? ZOHAR: We could've killed you if we wanted to. NOMED: (wryly) Or at least we could've tried. But we didn't. The point is, if you want your lives back and you want to stop the Triad as much as we do, then you'll let us help. PIPER: Help with what? NOMED: I know the Triad. I used to serve under them. And more importantly, I know what they're thinking. Which means I might be able to find out what Billie and Christy's next move might be. ZOHAR: Which might help you defeat them next time. PAIGE: Why would a demon want our help killing another demon? NOMED: Personal reasons. Look, all you need to know is if you're going to do what must be done to save your future, you're gonna have to trust us. Well, what do you say? PHOEBE: I don't know. I don't like it. (Piper is silent and hesitant. She turns and sees something that rocks her to her core PIPER'S POV (An APPARITION of LEO appears. He's dressed the same as when we last saw him and his mouth is moving as if he's talking to her.) RESUME PIPER (Both Phoebe and Paige look at Piper when she doesn't respond. Paige turns and looks over at the empty doorway. She sees nothing.) (At Piper's prolonged silence, even Nomed turns and looks at the empty doorway.) PIPER'S POV (Still, Piper can see Leo - saying something to her.) (Then Leo vanishes.) (Piper turns and looks at Phoebe.) PIPER: Did you see that? PHOEBE: See what, sweetie? (Piper turns and looks at the empty doorway.) PIPER: Nothing. Um ... we'll take whatever help we can get. (Phoebe and Paige are surprised by Piper's response. Nomed nods to her. Then he and Zohar shimmer out.) PAIGE: How can you trust them? PIPER: We can't. But we're out of options. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - STUDY - DAY] (Nomed and Zohar shimmer into the Magic School Study.) ZOHAR: How do you know the Triad are even here? NOMED: I don't. But their witches are, so I doubt they're far away. (Nomed turns and looks at the desk.) ZOHAR: But if you're right and they find us here - NOMED: They'll banish us to the wasteland. (He turns and looks at Zohar. He nods. NOMED: Yes. Our sacrifice won't be in vain if we find a way to make sure they die, too. Understand? (Zohar doesn't look like he does, but he nods anyway.) NOMED: It's time for the Triad's reign to end, one way or the other. (Zohar smiles.) BILLIE: (o.s.) Christy, sit still. You're bleeding. (They hear voices. Nomed heads toward the voices.) CHRISTY: (o.s.) I don't care. Just put a bandage on it. (He looks out the doorway and sees Billie tending to Christy's wounds in the Great Hall. Christy is reading through a book.) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Billie and Christy talk as she tends to her wounds.) BILLIE: Too bad we're trying to kill Paige. Otherwise, she could've healed you. (Christy glances at the burn on her shoulder.) CHRISTY: Are you done yet? BILLIE: No. (apologetically) Um, this is gonna sting a little bit, so hold on, okay? (She puts the bandage on the wound, looking for some kind of response from Christy, but she sees none. Christy is consumed with reading the book.) BILLIE: (prompts) Does that hurt? CHRISTY: No. BILLIE: Well, I still think we should get this checked. CHRISTY: (scoffs) What are we gonna do, Billie? Are we gonna go to the ER and tell them what happened? We have work to do, Billie. We have to find a stronger potion. BILLIE: Well, there aren't any, okay? That was the strongest one they had. CHRISTY: Then we'll make a stronger one. BILLIE: Look, Christy, maybe this isn't a good idea anymore. CHRISTY: Billie. BILLIE: I'm serious. Look, it doesn't change how I feel about them or what they've done. But I don't want to lose you, too. You're all I have left. CHRISTY: Okay, Billie. Listen to me. You're not gonna lose me. Okay? And I'm not gonna lose you ... as long as we stick together. (The door opens and Dumain enters the room.) DUMAIN: What happened? CHRISTY: It's nothing. I'm fine. NOMED'S POV (From their position down the hallway, Nomed and Zohar continue to listen in.) BILLIE: (o.s.) No, she's not. The sisters attacked us, but they used the same potions as we did. RESUME BILLIE AND CHRISTY (Dumain kneels in front of Christy.) CHRISTY: But they got hurt just as badly as we did. We'll get 'em next time. DUMAIN: Apparently not without more power. You should go back to the manor. We don't want them using it as a power base. In the meantime, I'll see what I can do about getting you what you need. (Dumain stand sup and walks out of the Great Hall.) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Dumain walks past the study where Nomed is. Nomed watches Dumain.) NOMED: (to Zohar) Wait here. (Nomed leaves the study and follows Dumain.) [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Dumain reports to the Triad.) TRIAD: You told us they already had what they needed. CANDOR: That's the second time you've overestimated Billie and Christy. BALIEL: Or underestimated the Charmed Ones. DUMAIN: With all due respect, it was always an ambitious plan to begin with. ASMODEUS: But it was your ambitious plan, Dumain. We hold you responsible. DUMAIN: And I accept responsibility, My Lord, as well as all due credit for getting us this far. After all, fighting the witches to a draw is better than any demon has ever -- BALIEL: But that's not good enough. We need to take over before it's too late. CANDOR: The Charmed Ones are weary, depleted. They'll never be more vulnerable than they are right now. BALIEL: And if we don't destroy them while we can, their magical offspring will continue to grow in numbers and power. CANDOR: And then there'll be too many to stop. We need the Hollow. ASMODEUS: Agreed. DUMAIN: Wait. We can't use the Hollow. There's a reason why both good and evil banished it hundreds of years ago. It's-It's uncontrollable. ASMODEUS: Nevertheless, it is our only choice. DUMAIN: No, but it's too dangerous. It consumes power, sure, but it'll drive whoever's trying to control it insane. Look what it did to the Source. CANDOR: Billie and Christy will need charmed-like powers to summon it. ASMODEUS: (firmly) Fortunately, Dumain knows exactly where to obtain such powers. Don't you? [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (Piper and Paige sit at the back of the room, a small chest between them making a potion while Phoebe sits on the couch scrying. The crystal hits the map.) PHOEBE: Oh. (She looks at the spot on the map.) PHOEBE: Okay, they're back. At the manor. PIPER: Okay, we're almost ready. PHOEBE: I'm just worried that Billie's gonna be able to match whatever potion we come up with. PIPER: Well, it's three against two. It really should be enough. PAIGE: Yeah, well, not if the Triad is helping them, it's not. I mean, what we're making might not be strong enough. I just hope our demon friends come through for us. And isn't it strange saying "demon friends"? PHOEBE: We can't trust them. PIPER: I think we're gonna have to. PHOEBE: So how much of this has to do with what you think you saw? PIPER: I don't think I saw Leo. I know I did. PHOEBE: What do you think it means? PIPER: I don't know. But I can't imagine it's a good omen. (Nomed and Zohar shimmer in.) PIPER: Well, it's about time. NOMED: Cute. So you want the good news or the bad news? (Phoebe stands up.) PHOEBE: Just cut to the chase. NOMED: Very well. The Triad is, in fact, alive, at least in spirit form. But I don't think Billie and Christy know. PAIGE: Then how are they helping them? NOMED: Through a demon whom I don't know. But the big news is what they want Billie and Christy to get to kill you. The Hollow. PHOEBE: The Hollow? NOMED: Actually, you should take it as a compliment. They obviously want you dead at all costs. ZOHAR: And even potentially all of mankind's. PAIGE: Well, that's really great because even we can't stop the Hollow. (Piper starts flipping through the Book of Shadows.) PIPER: Which is why we need to get it before they do. PHOEBE: Wait. What? PAIGE: Piper, do you remember the last time somebody unleashed the Hollow? PIPER: Yes, I do. The Source used it to steal our powers, which I think is the point. PAIGE: But then he went nuts, and then it went into Cole and he went nuts and then he turned evil, and we had to vanquish him. Is that ringing any bells here? PIPER: Yes, which is precisely why we need to get it first. (Coop flashes in.) COOP: Oh, finally. Phoebe - (He stops and sees the demons in the room. He turns and sees Piper and Paige also in the room.) COOP: What's going on? (Phoebe points to the bedroom.) PHOEBE: In there. Come on. Just -- (She and Coop head for the bedroom to talk. She closes the door behind her.) [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] COOP: Are those demons? PHOEBE: Yes, they are. COOP: What the hell are they doing? PHOEBE: (bursts) That's what I'm trying to tell you. (Coop stops and looks at her.) COOP: Okay. PHOEBE: I'm sorry. We're a little on edge right now, you know. I think you should go. COOP: No. There's no way. I'm not leaving, especially with demons out there. PHOEEBE: I can't do this right now, okay? I don't have time for this. I don't have time for you, okay? I am completely overwhelmed. My sisters are sitting out there and they need me right now, and that's the most important thing in my life. Okay? So I can't. I'm sorry. (Coop looks at Phoebe, then vanishes out.) [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - LIVING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Paige and Piper wait. The door opens and Phoebe enters the room.) (The demons wait quietly.) PAIGE: You okay? (Phoebe sighs.) PHOEBE: Does it matter? So are we gonna do this or what? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VICTOR'S CONDO - DAY] (The CANDYLAND game board is out on the table, but Wyatt is busy coloring in his coloring book. Victor is out in the hallway with a towel in his hand.) VICTOR BENNETT: (to Wyatt) Hey, buddy, five more minutes till bath time, okay? (Victor heads into the room. Dumain shimmers in.) DUMAIN: Hi. (Wyatt orbs out from his seat at the table and orbs back in next to the playpen. He raises his shield, which protects him and Baby Chris.) DUMAIN: (softly) It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. Auntie Billie sent me. (Dumain kneels down in front of Wyatt's shield.) DUMAIN: Wyatt, Wyatt, grandpa won't understand. He's not magical. (scoffs) He'll ruin everything. Do you want to help save mommy? Huh? 'Cause you can, but you have to trust me. I'm not going to make you go anywhere. I promise. All you have to do is orb back home. Auntie Billie will tell you the rest. Do you think you can do that? Huh? For mommy. (Wyatt lowers his shield.) DUMAIN: Whoa. Well, that's a good boy. Now, hurry, son, before it's too late. Go on. (Wyatt orbs out. Dumain stands up. He looks at Chris and with a smile on his face, he shimmers out.) (Chris starts crying.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] (Chris' crying continues to echo.) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Billie is sitting on the couch and reading her notebook when Wyatt orbs in.) BILLIE: Wyatt, what are you doing here, honey? WYATT: I'm gonna help mommy. (Billie stands up and heads over to Wyatt. She stops when Dumain shimmers in.) DUMAIN: And the best way to do that is to help Aunt Billie and her sister get more powers. BILLIE: Dumain, what is this? DUMAIN: But the kind of power they need can only be summoned with great power itself. Charmed power. It's the only way to summon the Hollow ... BILLIE: That's crazy. We can't -- DUMAIN: You don't have a choice. It's the only way to guarantee success. (Christy walks into the attic.) DUMAIN: It's the only way to save the greater good, and it's the only way to save Wyatt and Chris from following in the wrong footsteps. (Billie doesn't like it. At all. She turns and looks at Christy who nods back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (The discussion continues.) PAIGE: I want to get them as much as anybody else, but at what cost? You know, if we take this in, how do we get rid of it? PIPER: Well, there's a spell right here. PAIGE: Okay, if we summon The Hollow and we get infected, who's gonna be around to say it? PHOEBE: She's got a point. PIPER: Well, we can take Billie and Christy out before we get infected, or we can do nothing, let them get the Hollow, and then all of this really won't matter because then we'll be dead. NOMED: You do realize, of course, that taking out Billie and Christy will only eliminate today's problems. What about tomorrow? PIPER: What are you talking about? NOMED: What am I talking about? I'm talking about the Triad. You're gonna have to go after them, too, if you really want this nightmare to be over. Otherwise, they're gonna keep finding new ways to attack you for another eight years. ZOHAR: But with the Hollow, you'll have the power to vanquish them once and for all. PAIGE: How do we know you're not gonna come after us next? NOMED: We might. But probably not anytime soon. We're not powerful enough to challenge the Charmed Ones. No demon who remains is, save for the Triad. You've decimated the old guard, and we -- well, we need time to rebuild. We might be ready when your next generation takes power. (Piper finds it funny.) PIPER: I'll be looking forward to it. NOMED: Oh, there'll be nothing to look forward to unless you take in the Hollow now. (Piper glances up and Leo appears to her again. She stops and stares. Phoebe notices Piper's silence and turns to see what she's looking at. Paige also turns. They both see nothing.) PHOEBE: Do you see him again? PIPER: Yes. (Leo nods at Piper. Then, he vanishes.) (Phoebe turns and looks at the demons.) PHOEBE: Let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VICTOR'S CONDO (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. VICTOR'S CONDO - NIGHT] (Victor carries Chris and he's on the phone, listening to it ring.) VICTOR BENNETT: Come on, Phoebe. Pick up. PHOEBE'S VOICE: (answering machine) Hey, it's Phoebe. Leave me your name and number -- VICTOR BENNET: (frustrated) Ah! (He hangs up and jiggles Chris in his arms.) VICTOR BENNET: Hey, hey, hey, don't you worry, big buddy. We are gonna find your brother. Yes, we are. (He starts dialing.) Don't you worry ... about a thing. (The phone starts ringing.) VICTOR BENNET: Yeah. PIPER'S VOICE: (answering machine) Hello. VICTOR BENNET: (to phone) Hey, Piper. PIPER'S VOICE: (answering machine) Sorry I can't get to the phone right now [SCENE_BREAK] VICTOR BENNET: Damn it! (He hangs up and comforts Chris who is startled by his outburst.) Oh, sorry, baby. Didn't mean to scare you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - NIGHT] (Dumain is talking with Wyatt as Billie and Christy watch. Billie really doesn't like it.) BILLIE: Christy, we can't do this. This isn't right. He's three. CHRISTY: We need him. We don't have a choice. BILLIE: What if he gets hurt? CHRISTY: That's a chance we'll have to take. BILLIE: What has happened to you? Are you even listening to yourself? CHRISTY: We didn't create this problem, Billie. They did. They're the ones who turn their backs on everything good. It's not our fault this is happening. (Billie looks over at Wyatt with Dumain.) CHRISTY: Listen to me, Billie. We've come this far. We can't go back now. If we don't do what we have to do, they're gonna kill us. (Billie walks over to Wyatt. Dumain stands up and steps away. She kneels down in front of Wyatt.) BILLIE: (to Wyatt) Hey. You only have to hold our hands, and we'll do the rest, okay? WYATT: Okay. BILLIE: I hope one day you'll understand. (Christy gives Billie the spell. Christy reads the spell out of the notebook. They each take ahold of one of Wyatt's hands.) BILLIE/ CHRISY: (both) Nos dico super inconcessus vox bonus quod malum ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (At the same time, Piper, Phoebe and Paige stand and read the spell. The Book of Shadows is open on the table in front of them surrounded by lit candles.) PIPER/ PHOEBE/ PAIGE: (all) ultirusque a profugus. Addo is hic, addo is iam. INSERT: TUNNEL (Camera view zooms deep through a tunnel, heading straight for the bright light.) (The cavern clears into a dark room. In the center is a box. Something is glowing inside the box.) PIPER/ PHOEBE/ PAIGE & BILLIE/ CHRISTY: (all) (v.o.) Nos dico super inconcessus vox bonus quod malum... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR -ATTIC - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Christy and Billie continue the spell.) PIPER/ PHOEBE/ PAIGE & BILLIE/ CHRISTY: (all) ultirusque a profugus. [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Piper, Phoebe and Paige continue the spell.) PIPER/ PHOEBE/ PAIGE & BILLIE/ CHRISTY: (all) Ultirusque a profugus. [CU: THE BOX] (The light inside the box grows stronger and brighter. It shakes with suppressed energy.) PIPER/ PHOEBE/ PAIGE & BILLIE/ CHRISTY: (all) (v.o.) Addo is hic, addo is iam. (Suddenly, the lid pops open. The light inside the box is incredibly bright. The hollow bursts out of the box.) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Like a swarm of bees, The Hollow zooms into the attic window and heads straight for Billie and Christy. It splits into two and infects them both.) (Billie breathes in the Hollow and her eyes turn black.) (Christy breathes in the Hollow and her eyes turn black.) [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Nomed and Zohar wait.) (The balcony doors open and the Hollow zooms into the living room, heading straight for the sisters. It splits into three and infects them all. They stagger from the impact.) (They breathe in the Hollow and their eyes turn black.) [INT. VICTOR'S CONDO - NIGHT] (Victor turns and looks at Chris who is in his playpen. He's getting desperate to find Wyatt.) VICTOR BENNETT: Hey, Chris. Listen, buddy. Hide-and-seek. You want to play hide-and-seek? (Chris smiles.) VICTOR BENNETT: Okay. Where's Wyatt? Can you find Wyatt? Can you use your powers to bring him home, please? [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - NIGHT] (Billie and Christy stand before Wyatt.) DUMAIN: Its thirst for power is insatiable. It craves it, absorbs it. Now take his. (Wyatt's shield appears around him.) DUMAIN: Hold out your hands. (They hold out their hands and suck Wyatt's shield into them - along with his other powers, feeding off of him.) DUMAIN: Now you have his powers. All of them. Including his power to orb. (Christy and Billie look at Dumain. They turn and look at Wyatt.) (Wyatt orbs out.) DUMAIN: But that's not possible. (With Wyatt gone, Billie and Christy turn and look at Dumain. Dumain takes a cautious step backward.) DUMAIN: Wha - (Fire shoots out of Christy's eyes at Dumain. He shimmers out just in time and the fire misses him, hitting the wall behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VICTOR'S CONDO - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Wyatt orbs into Chris' play pen. Victor laughs with relief.) VICTOR BENNETT: (relieved) Oh, attaboy, slugger. Attaboy! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Suddenly, things have gotten very dangerous in the loft. Nomed quickly dives for cover as Piper waves her hands and blasts them. Zohar ducks behind the wall as well. The blast hits the cabinet nearby.) NOMED: Just so you know, your sacrifice will lead to the end of the triad. ZOHAR: What sacrifice? (Nomed pushes Zohar through the doorway and quickly shimmers out.) (Zohar, caught by surprise, throws an energy ball at Paige. It harmlessly hits her - and they absorb the energy.) (Zohar straightens.) (The Charmed Ones raise their hands and energy balls fire out from their palms. It hits Zohar and he explodes.) PAIGE: Hmm. PHOEBE: First the Triad ... PIPER: ... then Billie and Christy. [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - BLACK ROOM - NIGHT] (Dumain talks with the Triad.) DUMAIN: You don't understand. It's an uncontrollable situation. There's no telling what they'll do now. ASMODEUS: They'll go after the Charmed Ones, destroy them. DUMAIN: Yes, of course, but then what? By infecting them, their only allegiance now is to power. BALIEL: Your point being? DUMAIN: They can't be stopped. Short of some cataclysmic event, the Hollow will never leave them, which means they'll keep craving more and more power until they have it all, including yours. CANDOR: I think we can handle them if they come. DUMAIN: But you can't. (He takes a step toward them. Behind him, the Charmed Ones stand in the doorway.) DUMAIN: Don't you see? Nobody can. PIPER: We can. (Dumain whirls around. He quickly shimmers out. Streams of electrical energy fire from their hands and hit the Triad directly. They scream.) ALL: Aah! (It keeps going on and on and on. They don't stop until the Triad explode.) (Without waiting, Paige orbs them out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY / MAIN HALL - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Paige, Piper and Phoebe orb into the conservatory, their backs to the sitting room.) (Billie and Christy descend the stairs.) BILLIE: We've been waiting for you. (Paige, Piper and Phoebe turn around. Billie and Christy stand in the main hall.) PAIGE: Well, your wait is over. PIPER: No potions, huh? CHRISTY: We don't need any potions. PHOEBE: Funny. Neither do we. PIPER: (to Christy) I knew we shouldn't have trusted you. CHRISTY: You should've followed your instincts. PIPER: Next time. BILLIE: There won't be a next time. (Piper shakes her head.) (After a beat, each side blasts the other side which streams of raw power and energy.) (The power meets in the middle of the sitting room, each canceling out the other - more and more power is blasted at the other. Wind blows, light flashes.) (The energy in the middle grows and grows - random streams of electricity bursts from the center. It hits the chandelier, exploding it.) (Still the sisters don't stop. More and more energy is blasted toward the other.) (A random stream of power bursts out from the growing center and hits the potted plant and another hits the table, exploding it into pieces. Another stream of power hits the hallway clock, smashing it to bits. The energy in the room continues to grow and grow as a random stream of power hits another plant.) (Finally, it's too much uncontrollable and uncontained power with nowhere to go. The energy explodes.) (Billie and Christy scream.) (Billie and Christy are thrown up and backward toward the hallway stairs.) (Piper, Phoebe and Paige are blasted with the force of the exploding energy and are thrown up and backward toward the ceiling.) (The Charmed Ones scream.) [INT. MANOR - SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (The explosion tears upward through the bedroom floor.) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (The attic floor shakes, then the explosion rips through the attic floor.) [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (The house explodes, energy from within bursts through the windows and doors, ripping the entire building apart.) HIGH ANGLE DOWN (The Halliwell Manor is completely destroyed, a large plume of power and energy rises out of the decimated building.) (Pieces of burning wood fall to the ground. Car alarms blare around the block. Dogs bark.) (The magical explosion vanishes and it turns dark again.) (Out from the explosion like a swarm of bees, the Hollow rises out, swirls around and zooms away.) INSERT: TUNNEL (The Hollow zooms through the tunnel, heading straight for the bright light at the end.) (The Hollow zooms straight back into the open box.) (The lid to the box slams shut and locks.) SMASH TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SKY -- NIGHT] (OPEN on the starry night sky. It's very quiet. Sound slowly filter in. Camera moves downward. Pieces of wood, paper and other falling debris rain on the yard. Echoes of car alarms blaring are heard in the distance.) (Small pockets of fire burn throughout what's remaining of the Halliwell Manor.) (The sounds filter thought, growing louder and louder as we see more and more of the damage to the manor.) (Camera moves down what used to be the main stairs. Dogs bark in the distance. Car alarms grow louder and louder.) (Camera continues to move around the broken remains and piles upon piles of rubble.) (Dissolve to: The burned hallway clock is black and broken into pieces.) (Camera continues on.) (Various Dissolves of: The debris and piles of wood and ash. Among the rubble is a framed photo of the sisters.) (Camera continues on.) (Dissolve to: In what used to be the conservatory, a lone cough filters out from the still smoking rubble pile.) (The broken pieces of furniture move as Piper pushes it away with her hand.) (She slowly sits up and looks around. She pushes the debris off her legs and painfully sits back. She appears to be all right. Car alarms blare and dogs bark.) (She pauses a moment before getting completely to her feet.) (She's stunned and searching for any signs of life.) (The house is gone - reduced to a pile of wood and rubble. She pushes pieces of wood out of her way as she looks for her sisters.) (And then she sees it - a hand with a tattoo on the wrist -- poking out from under a pile of debris.) (Piper kneels down.) PIPER: Phoebe? (She starts throwing the pieces of wood away trying to uncover her sister. She clears the wood off of Phoebe and tries to wake her up.) PIPER: Phoebe. Come on. PIPER: Wake up. Wake up. (There's no response. Piper starts to cry.) PIPER: Come on. (She sits back and pulls Phoebe onto her lap.) PIPER: It's okay. (She grabs Phoebe's chin, trying to wake her up.) PIPER: Look at me. Look at me. PIPER: Breathe, sweetie. Come on, kiddo. Wake up. (Piper tenderly brushes the hair away from Phoebe's face and cries.) PIPER: No. (She sits down on the ground and holds Phoebe to her chest, rocking back and forth.) PIPER: No. (A ball of light comes down from the heavens, swirling down to the center of the manor. It bursts open and swirls like a twister to reveal the Angel of Destiny.) (She looks at Piper.) (Piper stops and looks at her.) (The Angel of Destiny opens the palm of her hand and a ball of light bursts out, swirls around and manifests into -- Leo.) (Piper is speechless. Leo looks around at the damage, stunned by what he sees. He heads for Piper.) LEO: Piper. (Piper shakes her head as Leo approaches. Leo looks at Phoebe and shares her pain.) (Piper cries.) ANGEL OF DESTINY: (sadly) The battle is over, though not as I expected. (Leo leans forward and holds Piper.) (The Angel of Destiny leaves in a swirl of bright light that gathers into a single glowing ball, which rises up back to the night sky.) (Piper cries. She stops when she hears a sound.) (She hears someone moaning and the sounds of wood shifting.) PIPER: Paige? (to Leo) Hold her. Hold her. (Piper gives Phoebe to Leo. She gets up and heads over to the sound to search for Paige.) PIPER: Paige! (The sounds continue. Piper rushes over to the pile of rubble.) PIPER: Paige. (She lifts up the wood pieces and finds ... PIPER: Billie. (So much anger and hatred in one name. Leo turns around.) (Piper jumps on Billie and punches her in the face. She wraps her hands around Billie's neck and starts choking her.) LEO: (shouts) Piper! (Leo puts Phoebe down and runs to stop her.) LEO: What are you doing? Stop! (Piper continues to choke Billie.) LEO: What's the matter with you? You're gonna kill her. (Leo reaches Piper and pulls her off Billie.) PIPER: No. Let go of me. (Gasping for air, Billie gets up. Leo holds Piper back as she tries to blast Billie.) PIPER: Stop. You don't understand. Stop! (Piper gets free and turns to see Billie running away.) BILLIE: Christy! (Piper blasts her. The frame near her explodes. Billie stops, turns and looks at Piper.) (Piper raises her hands to blast her again, but Leo pulls her hands down and she blasts the broken doorframe. Billie runs out.) PIPER: (to Leo) Why did you do that? You let her get away. LEO: (urgently) We need to get out of here, okay? There's nothing left for us here, okay? You understand me. (Police sirens wail in the distance and grow louder.) LEO: We've got to go. (Leo takes Piper's hand.) LEO: Come on. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] TO BE CONTINUED. (The police sirens continue to wail.) [SCENE_BREAK] TITLE/OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] 8X21: KILL BILLIE: VOL. 2 TRANSCRIBED FROM WB Starring: ALYSSA MILANO as Phoebe Halliwell ROSE McGOWAN as Paige Matthews and HOLLY MARIE COMBS as Piper KALEY CUOCO as Billie Jenkins BRIAN KRAUSE as Leo Wyatt Created by CONSTANCE M. BURGE Guest Starring MARNETTE PATTERSON as Christy Jenkins ANTHONY CISTARO JAMES READ as Victor Bennett REBECCA BALDING as Elise Rothman LELAND CROOKE RIK YOUNG DONN SWABY DENISE DOWSE SOREN OLIVER STEVEN J. OLIVER and VICTOR WEBSTER as Coop (Cupid) Editor: DEREK BERLATSKY Production Designer: PAUL STAHELI Directory of Photography: JONATHAN WEST, ASC Consulting Producer: JONATHAN LEVIN Co-Producer: CAMERON LITVACK Producer: PETER CHOMSKY Producer: HOLLY MARIE COMBS Producer: ALYSSA MILANO Supervising Producer: JEANNINE RENSHAW Supervising Producer: ROB WRIGHT Co-Executive Producer: JAMES L. CONWAY Produced By: JON PARE [SCENE_BREAK] Executive Producer: BRAD KERN Executive Producer: AARON SPELLING Executive Producer: E. DUKE VINCENT Tonight's Charmed featured music by: * the colour, between earth & sky, promotional consideration furnished by rethink/emi Spelling Television Inc., A CBS Company Executive Story Editor: LIZ SEGAL Associate Producer: LARRY GOLDSTEIN Co Starring: KRISTOPHER SIMMONS as Wyatt #1 JASON SIMMONS as Wyatt #2 Music By: JAY GRUSKA Casting by: KIMBERLY LANSE FOSTER Original Casting by VICTORIA HUFF, C.S.A. Unit Production Manager: DEREK JOHANSEN First Assistant Director: DEREK JOHANSEN Second Assistant Director: VINCENT GONZALES Costume Designer: DANIELA GSCHWENDTNER Camera Operator: KRIS KROSSKOVE 1st Assistant Camera: HAL ARNOLD Chief Lighting Technician: DON LEHMAN Asst. Chief Lighting Technician: COOPER DONALDSON Set Designer: ROLAND HILL Set Decorator: ROBINSON ROYCE, S.D.S.A. Leadperson: MICHAEL ZUFELT Property Master: ROGER MONTESANO Assistant Property Master: SCOTT COCKERELL Script Supervisor: NANCY SOLOMAN Costume Supervisor: CHIC GENNARELLI Dept. Head Key Make-Up Artist: NANETTE NEW Key Make-up artist: ANI MALONEY Key Make-Up Artist: BRET MARDOCK Dept. Head Key Hairstylist: AUDREY FUTTERMAN-STERN Key Hairstylist: BRANDON WAGGONER Sound Mixer: BRETT GRANT-GRIERSON Transportation Coordinator: MARTIN COBLENZ Production Coordinator: RICK NAPOLI Production Accountant: BYRON MACDONALD Script Coordinator: SCOTT LIPSEY First Company Grip: STEVE GAUSCHE 2nd Company Grip: TOM HAM Construction Coordinator: STAR FIELDS Stunt Coordinator: NOON ORSATTI Special Effects Coordinator: RANDY CABRAL Special Effects Shop Coordinator: VINNIE BORGESE Visual Effects Supervisor: STEPHEN LEBED Casting Associate: KAREN P. MORRIS Assistant to Brad Kern: ANDREA CONWAY Assistant to Jon Pare: JENNIFER REES Assistant to the Writers: RICK MULRRAGUL Technical Advisor: JOHN RICHARD TODD Assistant Editor: BRIAN JONASON Music Editor: NINO CENTURION Supervising Sound Editor: JEFF CLARK Music Coordinator: CELEST RAY Re-Recording Mixers: JOSH SCHNEIDER / BRUCE MICHAELS Film and Electronic Laboratory (tm) by LASERPACIFIC MEDIA, a Kodak company Lenses and Panaflex(R) Camera by PANAVISION(R) Digital Sound Editing and Mixing by LASERPACIFIC MEDIA, a Kodak company Digital Visual Effects by ENCORE VIDEO Executive in Charge of Production: GAIL M. PATTERSON Executive in Charge of Post-Production: KENNETH MILLER This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries. Any unauthorized duplication, copying, distribution, exhibition or use may result in civil liability and or criminal prosecution. The places and characters depicted herein are entirely fictitious, and any similarity to any real places or people is purely coincidental. (c) 2006 by Spelling Television Inc., A CBS company. All rights reserved. Country of First Publication: United States of America Spelling Television Inc., is the author of this film / motion picture for the purpose of Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all National Laws giving effect thereto. TheWB.com Dated:07/02/2006	Plan: A: the two-episode Classic series finale; Q: What is Episode one of? A: the Manor; Q: Where do Billie and Christy end up in the first episode of the second season? A: Magic School; Q: Where are the demons in the first episode of the second season? A: the Charmed Ones; Q: Who is forced to hide in the Underworld? A: the Hollow; Q: What do the Jenkins and the Halliwells absorb? A: the deadly consequences; Q: What did the Jenkins and Halliwells not know about their actions? A: Halliwell history; Q: What was the biggest fight in what? Summary: In Episode one of the two-episode Classic series finale, Billie and Christy have managed to turn everything around: while the two of them are now at the Manor and demons are at Magic School, the Charmed Ones are forced to hide in the Underworld. The Jenkins and the Halliwells absorb the Hollow and attack each other in the Manor, not knowing the deadly consequences of their actions - Phoebe, Paige, and Christy are killed and the Manor is destroyed in a massive explosion caused by the biggest fight in Halliwell history.
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. HOTEL - ROOM 751 - DAY] (The door opens and Dan walks in with a video camera, recording. Mayor Mullins is on the bed with two hookers.) DAN: Well, well, well. Mayor Mullins. (The Mayor sits up, dazed.) DAN: (Shuts the camcorder's screen.) You drop your bid for re-election. You're gonna endorse me for Mayor. (He grins cockily.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE HOTEL - ELLIE'S ROOM - EVENING] (Peyton and Ellie are standing at the door.) PEYTON: Look, I... I don't wanna be curious about you but I can't help it - I am. ELLIE: Well, selfishly, I'm glad that's one battle you're losing. PEYTON: I'm just scared. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - BACK YARD - DAY] (Brooke is standing in front of Nathan, asking him to go to the costume party.) BROOKE: Haley's really hurting, Nathan. She hasn't written a song since you guys split up. (Nathan looks down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THIRD AND LONG - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Chris is sitting in front of Nathan.) CHRIS: So, what can Chris Keller do for you? NATHAN: He can help Haley with her music. (Chris raises his eyebrows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE - EVENING] (Rachel interrupts Lucas and Brooke's conversation.) RACHEL: (To Lucas.) You wanna dance? (She looks at Brooke.) RACHEL: Unless you're seeing someone. (Brooke raises her eyebrows at him. Daring him to say it.) LUCAS: (Turning to Rachel.) No,... not exclusively. (Camera cuts to Rachel and Lucas dancing. Peyton stand with Brooke in the sidelines, watching them with a grin. Brooke looks on, annoyed.) FADE TO BLACK: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - EVENING] (Dan stands in front of a dark background and smiles, his eyes gleaming.) DAN: (Into a mic.) IS EVERYBODY READY... (The crowd cheers crazily.) DAN: FOR MIDNIGHT MADNESS?! (A trumpet sounds, people continue to cheer and Dan stands in the middle of the gym, grinning and trying to feel important.) DAN: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! The countdown to the start of the season is on! Let me hear ya! (He holds up his hand and counts down from five, on his fingers.) DAN/CROWD: FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO... ONE. (The crowd continues to cheer.) DAN: LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! (He holds up the hand with the mic. Smoke fills the gym as the cheerleaders walk onto it. They start with some well practices moves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan stands at the head of the team. Lucas is right behind him and he doesn't look happy.) LUCAS: So are you gonna tell me what's going on with Haley? (Nathan looks back at him coldly.) LUCAS: You're breaking her heart, and you know that. NATHAN: (Turns all the way around.) Lucas, this is a pep rally - where's your pep? (Lucas glares at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - THE GYM - EVENING] (The cheers continue. Peyton's with the squad, cheering along but clearly distracted.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - EVENING] LUCAS: (Angrily) She's your wife! You treat her like this, manipulating her; pushing her back to Chris! NATHAN: Alright, you need to back up. (Steps forward.) Now(!) LUCAS: Really? Is that an order? (Flicks him on the shoulder.) Captain. NATHAN: Don't push me, bitch(!) LUCAS: Why? You gonna do something about it? You're a coward. (The whole team have stopped to watch the altercation.) LUCAS: You love Haley... but instead of dealing with it... you avoid her; treat her like dirt. (Smirks and looks away for a beat.) God, I used to wonder why you did it, and then I realised something (Pause) - you're just... like... Dan(!) (That does it. Nathan grabs the front of Lucas' shirt, swings back and punches him in the face. Lucas punches him back and the entire team decide to get involved. There's a scrum as they are all pushed forward in a confusing mass of limbs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - THE GYM - EVENING] (Dan is still at the mic.) DAN: Now, the team that's gonna deliver us our state title (Points) your Tree Hill Ravens! (Half the crowd stand, applauding.) (Nathan's back breaks through the paper covering the entrance to the gym, Lucas follows immediately. They are still fighting, throwing punch after punch and the crowd still loves it. It's difficult to decide what's happening.) (Dan, like the true father he is, stands by and watches them, indecently amused by the show. Whitey isn't as pleased by the display. He walks to Dan.) WHITEY: Damn your sperm, Danny. (Dan finds that amusing too as he continues to watch. The team seem to be enjoying the fight. Mouth is commentating.) MOUTH: Lucas Scott throws a roundhouse to Nathan Scott's jaw. It's just past twelve and all hell's broken loose! (Laughs) Now this is truly Midnight Madness! Whoo (Birds-eye view of the scuffle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GROUNDS - DAY] TWO DAYS EARLIER (The students are milling around as usual. Mouth walks down, handing out flyers.) MOUTH: Announcer tryouts for the season. (Gives a flyer to a passing student.) First official practice - midnight, Friday. (He gives it to a boy who looks at it.) BOY: Whatever(!) (Throws it aside.) (Mouth looks at him, scandalised, and stoops to pick it up. He staples it up on the notice board. The camera zooms in and then pans past it.) HALEY: (Walking up to Nathan.) Hey, I was hoping I'd catch you. NATHAN: Why's that? HALEY: Um,... I don't know, I think we should talk. NATHAN: About what? HALEY: (Stumped) About what happened the other night at the masquerade ball. NATHAN: I can't, Whitey wants to see me before class. But... it wasn't that big of a deal, anyway. HALEY: (Looking at him.) It was to me. NATHAN: It was a nice moment, Haley, but it's over now. (Haley gapes.) NATHAN: I gotta go. (Nathan walks away and Haley stops walking, watching him. She sighs, completely confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Brooke and Peyton sit behind a table.) BROOKE: You know what hit me today? These are our last cheerleader tryouts ever. PEYTON: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I'm really broken up about it. BROOKE: Come on, how can you not love tryout day? Just the smell of it(!) Like sports bras and desperation. PEYTON: (Slightly put off.) Hm, speaking of desperate; how's life in the 'non-exclusive' dating world? BROOKE: Lucas isn't playing fair. PEYTON: Maybe he's not playing at all. BROOKE: Exactly, I mean,... unless you count him dancing with that slut (Payton looks away and laughs.) at the masquerade ball, he's been totally monogamous. He knows the rules. Why can't he just follow them? PEYTON: Brooke, when're you gonna quit this crap and accept the fact that a really great guys wants to be with you? (Brooke shrugs.) PEYTON: Nothing good can come of this, OK? What're you gonna do; force Lucas to go out and see other people. (Brooke considers and loves the idea.) BROOKE: P. Sawyer, you are a genius. PEYTON: OK, that is not what I meant. GIRL: (o.s) Um,... (Peyton and Brooke look out at the girl who spoke. There are a long line of girls behind her.) GIRL: is this where we go for cheer tryouts? BROOKE: What tipped you off? (Cut to a long shot. There's a banner hanging above Brooke and Peyton's table which reads: TH Ravens Cheerleader tryouts today: Be one of the team.) (The girls start their tryouts.) GIRL: (Dully) Go Ravens(!) (Claps once.) GIRL2: (Waves a streamer above her head.) We got spirit(!) (Close-up of a guy's lightsaber. He's dressed in black. He does some moves that are definitely not cheers, with it. Brooke watches him uncertainly. Peyton doesn't know whether to laugh or scowl.) GIRL4: (Claps her hands and holds them out.) Yeah, go team! (Camera focuses on her hairy armpit.) Whooo! (Peyton and Brooke gape when they see it. Brooke is slightly too amused.) GIRL5: (Claps twice.) Lets... go... Ravens. (Holds both arms up. She's wearing some strange, white, face paint and makes a weird face.) (Brooke looks at her, confused.) GIRL2: What, what, what, what - A what-what-what-what-what-what-wh (Cut back to the guy with a lightsaber. He does some more moves with it.) GUY: Going, going, it's gone. (Close-up of a girl crying. She's lost for words.) (Cut back to the guy with his lightsaber. He drops it, picks it up again and resumes.) GIRL6: T.H.S. is number one, (Holds her arm up.) Yo, go! (Does some decent cheer moves.) (Brooke is slightly impressed.) GIRL6: T.H.S. is number one. (Brooke shrugs at Peyton, Peyton smiles.) GIRL6: (Holds arms out.) Big blue! (Tries to stick her leg up as far as it will go and sprains herself.) Ow! (She goes down.) (Peyton gapes and puts a hand to her mouth. Brooke leans forward to see.) GIRL6: Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine, but... does this mean I didn't get it? (Sticks her hand in her hair.) (Brooke is speechless.) PEYTON: (To Brooke.) What part of this are we gonna miss again? BROOKE: One spot on the team and there's no one to fill it? Those like... dance auditions are for crap, the musical. (Peyton laughs. Someone runs down the stairs and stops in front of them. Peyton and Brooke look up. It's Rachel with a minimum of clothing on. A redheaded Rachel.) RACHEL: (Holding a CD.) Sorry, am I too late? I got lost. This... new campus is totally confusing. (Smiles) (Brooke instantly recognises her and an eyebrow goes up.) RACHEL: I'm Rachel, by the way. BROOKE: Really? I thought it was Pamela. RACHEL: (Getting it.) Oh, right. The party. That guy wasn't your boyfriend, was he? (Peyton looks at Brooke with a big grin.) BROOKE: OK, you were late, now you're just wasting my time. (Coldly) Just hit your mark and I'll start the song. RACHEAL: (Holds up her CD.) I actually bought my own song. (She walks to the stereo, opens the lid and put her own CD in. Brooke looks at her, astonished. Rachel sets the jewel case aside and waits.) RACHEL: Whenever you're ready. (Makes a set face.) (Brooke presses play and the music starts. Rachel starts to dance to it, using the table for a moment. Brooke and Peyton look up in shock. She continues to audition. Her moves are more like the dance moves she used with Lucas than actual cheers but they are a lot better than the people who auditioned.) (Brooke makes a repulsed face at Peyton and Peyton laughs silently. Brooke puts a hand to her mouth, not knowing what to say. Peyton's impressed and the look she gives Brooke shows that.) (Rachel jumps, spreads her legs and falls to the floor. Peyton and Brooke look over the table to see what she did. She's at near splits on the floor. Brooke gapes and holds a hand up, mostly repulsed by the vulgarity.) (Rachel gets back up and smiles.) RACHEL: I'd like to thank you on behalf of myself and the group... and I hope we pass the audition. BROOKE: (Lost) I'm sorry, what?(!) PEYTON: John Lennon. (Brooke looks at her.) The 'Let It Be' album. (Brooke looks at her exasperatedly.) PEYTON: Girl knows her music. (Rachel smiles and nods.) BROOKE: Too bad she was late. (Rachel's smile falls.) BROOKE: Sorry, Betty, was it? We'll (Waves) be in touch. RACHEL: (Unperturbed) It's Rachel (Coldly) and I hope so. (Brooke doesn't say anything as Rachel turns and walks out, leaving her CD behind.) PEYTON: So, I guess we found our girl, right? BROOKE: (Pissed) oh, you just like her coz of that stupid BeeGees thing. PEYTON: No, I like her because she's good. (Brooke glares at Peyton, crosses her arms and continues to look ahead.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Close-up of a board. Whitey's writing on it in red pen. It has squiggly lines all over it but it's an unmistakable plan of the basketball court.) NATHAN: (o.s) You wanted to see me, Coach? (Whitey looks to the left.) WHITEY: Nathan, good timing. (Whitey caps the pen and steps back from the board.) WHITEY: (Points to the board.) Look at this; triangle offence. It all runs through you. (Nathan smiles and nods.) NATHAN: I'm ready, Coach. WHITEY: (Smiles and nods.) I know you are. (Pause) You know, it might not come as a surprise but, um,... (Lifts Nathan's basketball uniform.) I'm making it official. (Throws the jersey at him.) I'm making you captain of this years squad. (Nathan catches it and looks down at the top.) NATHAN: I don't know what to say. WHITEY: There's nothing to say. You've earned it. NATHAN: (Nods) Well, in that case, I promise to do whatever I can to get you that championship. WHITEY: (Laughs) Nathan, I appreciate that but if we get that far, that trophy belongs to the team, it's not mine. Team unity. (He pats Nathan on the arm.) WHITEY: That's the captain's responsibility. (Whitey walks away. Nathan lifts the jersey and looks at the 'C' stitched to the top right hand corner on the front of it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - DAY] (Lucas and Brooke are walking together.) BROOKE: So I've been thinking about our whole 'non-exclusive' thing and about how you haven't been holding up your end of the bargain. LUCAS: (Stops drinking from his bottle.) I didn't know it was a requirement. BROOKE: Lucas, in order for this to work, there has to be a balance. I kiss a guy, you kiss a girl. I kiss two guys... LUCAS: I kiss you twice. BROOKE: You kiss someone else. (Pause) Which is why I'm gonna pick a girl for you. (Camera pans across the grounds full of girls.) Say somebody like... (Camera stops at a group of three girls.) her. OK? Go ask her out. (Lucas looks at the girls uncertainly. Rachel moves into the shot.) LUCAS: Really? You want me to ask her out? BROOKE: Yeah. LUCAS: You're sure? BROOKE: I'm sure. (Points back without looking.) She's the one. (Brooke looks back and sees that she's pointing at Rachel. The three girls have vanished. Rachel talks to some girls. She looks and sees Brooke gaping at her.) LUCAS: OK. (Laughing) If you insist. (Rachel smiles and Brooke smirks back.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RECORD STORE - CD'S - DAY] (Haley is looking through CD's in the store and flips through the 'K's'. The first CD there is Chris Keller's. She pulls it out. The album is called 'Keller Instinct'. She looks at it, distracted for a moment.) (Chris suddenly appears at her side and snatches the CD from her. She gasps and looks at him.) CHRIS: (Holding the CD up.) Want that autographed? HALEY: God(!) CHRIS: I knew you'd be happy to see me. (She can't find the words and is practically shying away from him.) CHRIS: (Moves around her.) So,... how's married life? HALEY: (Looks down for a beat.) What're you doing here, Chris? CHRIS: Truthfully, I was thinking... you and me should work together again. HALEY: (Astonished) Huh, are you kidding me? CHRIS: Come on, you know Chris Keller do- (Haley gives him a look and he shuts up.) CHRIS: Sorry. Haley, you and I made great music together. (Pause) Remember? HALEY: Yeah! I remember exactly what happened. Do you? CHRIS: Yeah, so things weren't always easy but if you just set that other crap aside- HALEY: That other 'crap' was my marriage, Chris. CHRIS: Details, Haley. (She looks at him reproachfully.) Come on. Me and you. Just music. (Pause) Whaddaya say? (Haley watches him wearily.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE RIVERCOURT - DUSK] (Close-up of the basketball hoop. The ball falls through it. Pan down to Nathan who catches the ball.) NATHAN: (Looks at the ball and walks away from the hoop.) She said no? (Nathan looks left. Chris is on the benches, lounging across them.) CHRIS: Among other things. (Nathan sighs and continues walking.) CHRIS: The girl has a real potty-mouth when she wants to. NATHAN: So you just gave up? I mean, you didn't so easily last time. CHRIS: (Sits up.) Whoa, whoa, that's unfair. (Nathan scoffs and looks away.) CHRIS: And entirely correct. Listen, you know I don't like to get in the middle of other people's relationships. (Nathan just looks at him, not even bothering to grace that with an answer.) CHRIS: But, Haley wants you man, I don't get it, why is it so important to you that she and I work together? NATHAN: (Bounces the ball.) I have my reasons. (Throws the ball at the basket again.) (Chris laughs and gets up.) CHRIS: And you wanna share it with me? (Nathan sighs, catches the ball and turns back.) NATHAN: Haley's music was a big part of her life. Without it, she's just not Haley. CHRIS: So what, she gets her music back, you get her back. NATHAN: No, it's not about that. (Pause) This is about Haley. CHRIS: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's not gonna go for it. NATHAN: (Shrugs) We'll see about that. (Chris laughs.) CHRIS: Whatever you say. (Nathan eyes him.) CHRIS: So, we make a pretty good team; you and me. NATHAN: (Disbelievingly) Team? You and me? CHRIS: What? (Leans forward.) You don't think I got game? (Scoffs) Come on. (Steps back, asking for the ball.) Come on. (Nathan grins, amused, and throws the ball to him. Chris catches it and does some weak dribbles between his legs. He throw the ball at the hoop and it goes long, completely missing it.) CHRIS: Awww(!) (Holds his arms out.) How d'ya know I wasn't aiming there? (Continues walking.) CHRIS: See ya partner. (Chris grins and flounces away.) (Nathan looks at him before walking forward to retrieve his ball.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CAFÉ (EST) - DAY] KAREN: (v.o) He's running for Mayor?! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - COUNTER - EVENING] (Karen takes a dish out of the fridge and slams it shut.) KAREN: The conniving skunk(!) (Deb is in the back. Karen walks to her.) KAREN: Do you realise the amount of control the Mayor has? Police department, the zoning commission... not to mention veto power over city council. (Deb looks on, unhappy.) DEB: I was going to tell you, Karen. (Sighs) To be honest, when Dan first brought it up, I thought he was joking. (Karen looks up at Deb before continuing to chop carrots.) DEB: I mean, he's running unopposed. KAREN: Well, then we're gonna have to find somebody who can beat him. (Deb nods.) DEB: You know, I'd love to help but... (Shakes her head.) my hands are tied. I made a deal with the devil that I'd stand by his side through this election. (She frowns and looks at Karen unhappily.) KAREN: (Shakes her head astonished.) In exchange for what? DEB: A divorce. (Pause) Freedom for Nathan; for me... trust me, it was an offer too good to refuse. KAREN: Sure. DEB: You know,... I can still make things... difficult for him. (Deb grins. Karen looks at her. Deb's grin gets wider.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DUSK] (Dan is standing in front of a board with many different pictures of him running for Mayor.) DAN: The billboards look great. The TV ads... air next week. (He's talking to three people sitting on the sofa.) DAN: (Pause) And thanks to a well-timed donation... the high school's generously agreed... to officially retire my jersey this Friday night at 'Midnight Madness'. (Grins) Which brings me to my platform. (He backs up until he's standing in front of a whiteboard.) DAN: (Points at the board.) 'Family First'. (Cut to the floor of the entrance. Legs appear in black stockings. The camera pans up.) DAN: (o.s) A return to traditional values. (The camera continues to pan up until Deb is shown in her lingerie.) DAN: (o.s) Safer streets, better schools. (Deb is holding a glass in one hand and leans on the doorframe, peering into the room.) DAN: (o.s) Neighbourhood watch programmes. (One of the men looks at the doorway, sees Deb and his eyes widen. She grins at the three of them; all pretences of being drunk are in place.) DAN: (o.s) A new and improved mass transit system. Parents as role models... (He sees that the people he's talking to are looking elsewhere and he turns to look for himself. He sees his wife.) DEB: (Drunkenly) I'm so sorry, Dan. I-I didn't know we had company. Umm, (Turns to the side.) can you see my ass through this? (She laughs and looks down.) (A man looks to the side to see if he can.) DAN: (Forcefully patient.) Deb, honey, it's a little early to be drinking, don't you think? DEB: Oh, come on, (To the people.) it's noon somewhere, right? (The woman gapes at Deb.) DEB: (Drunkenly) Cheers. (Deb turns around and walks back out. Dan blinks and turns back around, trying to salvage to situation.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - DAY] (Rachel is there, sitting behind Bevin. Some of the other cheerleaders stand around her.) RACHEL: OK, we're done. (Holds a mirror in front of Bevin's face.) Do you see how the tendrils frame her face? (A girls beside Rachel nods.) BEVIN: Oh my god, I look so hot. (Touches her hair and gapes.) Thanks, Rach. (Looks back at her.) God, you rock. (Rachel smiles and hugs her.) RACHEL: No, Bev, you rock. (They laugh. Rachel looks up and sees Lucas. She gets up and walks to him.) RACHEL: Hey, boyfriend. LUCAS: (Stops and turns.) Hey. RACHEL: We still on for tonight? LUCAS: (Uncomfortably) Yeah, about that. (Pause) Here's the thing... when I asked you out, it was just to make Brooke jealous. (Rachel sighs and looks away.) RACHEL: I see. So, um, basically... you just took advantage of the new girl. Dude, that's just wrong. LUCAS: I'm sorry. RACHEL: Lucky for you, I'm into wrong. (Gives him a folded piece of paper.) My address. (He looks down and takes it slowly.) RACHEL: Pick me up at eight. (She turns and starts to walk away but sees Brooke off to the side. She rethinks, walks back to Lucas and pulls his head down by the neck. She kisses him on the neck.) RACHEL: (Grinning) Yummy. (She really leaves this time. Lucas frowns and looks at Brooke. Brooke breaks eye contact and walks to her cheerleaders.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - BENCHES - DAY] (The whole Ravens team are on the bleachers. Nathan stands in front of them.) NATHAN: Tomorrow's 'Midnight Madness'... so practice doesn't officially start till then. That doesn't mean we can't get a head start. TIM: (Puts a hand to his head in salute.) Aye aye, Captain! (Lucas frowns and shakes his head.) NATHAN: (Pause) So, today, we're gonna run full court... for thirty. (Tim puts his hand up.) TIM: Uh,... Captain Scott? NATHAN: It's just Nathan, Tim. TIM: Captain Nathan, has it occurred to you to appoint a vice Captain in the event that you're... assassinated or smash up another race car? NATHAN: (Amused) No. (Pause) Alright, I've already split up the teams; you guys know who you are. Everybody else just rotate in, alright? LUCAS: Yeah, about that, I noticed you've got both centers. How bout we take... Aero? NATHAN: That's a great idea, Lucas. Maybe when you're Captain, we can try that. (Tim laughs.) NATHAN: In fact, why don't you just go ahead and sit this one out, alright? (Lucas frowns at him again.) LUCAS: You're kidding. NATHAN: No. I'm Captain, and if you can't handle that, you can leave. (Lucas just looks at him, daring Nathan to try and remove him.) NATHAN: Feday, you're in. Let's go. (The entire team gets up, leaving Lucas alone on the bleachers on the Rivercourt that he used to play on before the team invaded. Lucas looks down and shakes his head. As the team disperse onto the Rivercourt, Lucas stands and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Mouth sits on the stage - where Brooke and Peyton where when holding tryouts. He looks at his watch. There's nobody there to tryout for the announcer place for the Ravens. He sighs and writes something down on the clipboard. A girl walks in, uncertainly.) GIRL: Did I miss the tryouts? MOUTH: Um,... everyone missed the tryouts. (Nods) (She walks forward, smiling.) MOUTH: Why, are you interested? GIRL: Uh-huh. MOUTH: OK, what's your name? GIRL: Gigi. MOUTH: OK, Gigi, do you have any prior experience announcing basketball? (She sighs and shakes her head.) MOUTH: I see, so you're... just a big fan of the game. (She smiles and nods.) MOUTH: (His smile falls.) Gigi, you do realise this is a job where you talk? (Gigi stays silent but nods.) MOUTH: About basketball. (Gigi nods again.) (Mouth smiles dispiritedly.) MOUTH: I'll be in touch. (Gigi smiles and leaves. Mouth looks back down at his clipboard and sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVER WALK - COFFEE STAND - DAY] (Peyton is at the mobile coffee stand, buying a coffee.) PEYTON: (Giving the money.) There you go. (Taking her drink.) Thank you. (Peyton turns and walks forward.) ELLIE: (o.s) You too, huh? (Peyton looks up and sees Ellie walking to her with the same drink.) ELLIE: Don't freak, I'm pretty sure tastes in coffee drinks isn't hereditary. (Peyton laughs slightly.) ELLIE: I was hoping I'd run into you. (Pause) I mean, considering you've been lurking outside of my motel room. PEYTON: Uh,... yeah, I'm really sorry about that. Um- ELLIE: It's OK. I would have come out and offered you a soda- (Peyton laughs.) ELLIE: But the last thing I wanna do is complicate your life. PEYTON: (Stiffly) Well, I probably better go- ELLIE: You know, there's this lunchtime concert; this guy doing 'scar' covers of Neil Diamond songs. PEYTON: Ooo, that sounds... awful(!) (Ellie laughs.) ELLIE: Yeah, I thought so too. So you wanna check it out? (Peyton thinks.) PEYTON: Yeah. (Nods) (Ellie nods and they walk off-screen together.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MOTEL - ELLIE'S ROOM - DAY] (Peyton and Ellie walks into the room, laughing.) PEYTON: OK, so wait, you're saying that you were actually conceived at Woodstock? ELLIE: Well, that's what my parents say, but their math's a little off. They were pretty big hippies, though. (Peyton smiles at her.) ELLIE: Got a picture of the somewhere. (Turns away and looks for it.) (Peyton drops her bag onto the chair and leans on the table. She looks to the side and sees an article. Close-up of it before the camera pans across the title. It's called 'Hello, Goodbye'. Beneath the title is 'By Ellie Harp, illustration by author'. Peyton picks it up and looks at it. The subheading says: 'Seventeen years ago, I made a decision that nearly killed me'. Peyton frowns as she reads it.) ELLIE: (Returning) Bear in mind, this was taken a while ago but- (She stops when she sees what Peyton's holding.) ELLIE: (Sighs) oh, god(!) PEYTON: What the hell is this? ELLIE: It's an article I wrote. PEYTON: (Angrily) For what, Lying Bitch Monthly?! ELLIE: PEYTON! PEYTON: You said you wanted to get to know me! You said that there wasn't any article! ELLIE: There wasn't... at the time. PEYTON: You also said that you don't draw, but really,... Ellie, (Points at the picture.) this looks a hell of a lot like me! (Slams the article back onto the table.) ELLIE: Of you would just listen I can explain. PEYTON: (Smiles tightly and grabs her bag.) You know what, don't bother. In fact, I've got a headline for you article; it's called 'Go to Hell'! (She slams the door behind her.) (Ellie sighs.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERICAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Haley has the Math book open at trigonometry and is doing her work. The front door opens, admitting Brooke.) BROOKE: I just had a great idea! HALEY: Does it involve trigonometry? BROOKE: I don't know what that is so I doubt it. (Sits on the couch.) You are gonna be a cheerleader(!) (Sits back and waits for Haley to be overjoyed.) (Haley pauses for a minute before dropping her hand and looking at Brooke exasperatedly.) HALEY: What?! BROOKE: (Delighted) I know, it's sudden, right? But, I was thinking, you did such a great job filling in at last years tournament that why not do the same thing this year, only permanently. HALEY: (Annoyed) Thanks, but I'll pass. BROOKE: (Frowning) Come on. You're my roommate. You're supposed to have my back. That Rachel girl, she's stealing my life. She's dating Lucas, which... OK, I accidentally orchestrated, but my entire squad has a girl-crush on her! (Haley looks at her steadily.) BROOKE: Basically, if you do not cheer, I'm screwed(!) HALEY: Brooke, I have a lot going on in my life right now. Nathan's being all hot and cold and now with Chris back in town- (She stops as something clicks.) HALEY: (Realising) Oh my god. BROOKE: What? HALEY: Oh, that's totally it. (Sits up.) That's exactly why Nathan's acting so weird - he knows Chris is back in town and he thinks I had something to do with it. BROOKE: (Gasps mockingly.) Oh. Yeah, great, we've solved your riddle. Can we please get back to mine!? Gimme an 'H'! HALEY: I can't! BROOKE: You can, and besides, I thought your goal was to be with Nathan. You'd be with him all the time; pep rallies, and away games- HALEY: I know, I-I get it. I just... I think that if I join the cheerleading squad, Nathan would see it as some, like, pathetic attempt to get close to him. BROOKE: That's funny. It seems to me like worrying about what Nathan thinks is pathetic is actually pretty pathetic. Forget about Nathan. Why don't you do what you want for once? HALEY: (Smiling) OK, I will - no thanks! BROOKE: (Scowling) Let me rephrase that; why don't you just do what I want for once? (Haley laughs.) BROOKE: Come on(!) (Haley throws her arms up and still shakes her head.) BROOKE: Fine(!) (Schemes) Oh, did I mention that Nathan's very often shirtless at practice? (Haley looks at her in growing annoyance.) BROOKE: You know, hot, sweaty and... bulging in all the right places. (Smiles) (Haley remains expressionless.) BROOKE: All the girls notice. (Shrugs) OK, see ya. (Gets off the couch.) (Haley whacks her on the arse with her pillow.) BROOKE: Ah! (Gapes and leaves the apartment.) (Healy sits there, thinking. She shakes her head and sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAWYER RESIDENCE (EST) - DAY] (The camera pans slowly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton sketches the word 'LIE' onto a piece of paper with a black pen. There's a ring at the door. Peyton looks up, knowing who it is.) (She walks to the front door and opens it. Ellie is standing there.) PEYTON: You don't give up, do you? ELLIE: (Talking quickly) Peyton, I had to explain. I couldn't leave things like that. (Peyton waits.) ELLIE: (Holds out the article.) Maybe if you'd just read the article. (Peyton looks at it.) PEYTON: Fine. Come in, I've got something for you. (Ellie walks into the house, shutting the door behind her.) (They walk into Peyton's bedroom.) ELLIE: I'm a writer, Peyton. It's a big part of my life... but I never meant to hurt you and the fact that you even think that- (Peyton picks up her sketch.) PEYTON: You wanna know what I think? (Ellie stops talking.) PEYTON: I think you're just a lying junkie who probably doesn't even have cancer. (Ellie is visibly hurt. She can't respond so instead, she looks at what Peyton's holding. Peyton waits for a beat before walking forward and giving it to her. She's spelled out 'ELLIE'. The 'LIE' in 'Ellie' is highlighted.) ELLIE: (Looking at her.) Oh, I see. So this relationship... that we have if-if you can call it that... you can use it for your podcasts and your drawings but I can't write about it. (Peyton frowns at her. She knows that Ellie's right.) PEYTON: (Harshly) Just get out, Ellie(!) (Pause) Out of my house, out of my town... and out of my life. ELLIE: (Waits to absorb the words before nodding.) OK. (Pause) I will. (Peyton nods.) ELLIE: But know this, Peyton; (She puts a folder on Peyton's bed.) Your trust... (Shakes her head.) was always more important to me than any article. You may not believe that... (She rips the article in two.) but it's the truth. (She turns around and dumps the article into the bin before walking out.) (Peyton turns around and looks out of the window as the front door closes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - BATHROOM - DAY] (Deb is standing in front of the sink, brushing her teeth. Dan walks in with a Polaroid camera and takes a picture of her. Deb looks at him.) DEB: (Mouth full of toothpaste.) Damn it, Dan! (Spits out in the sink.) What're you doing? DAN: (Walks forward.) Oh, in the spirit of your little fashion show earlier, I decided to take up photography. (Deb shakes her head.) DAN: I call this exhibit - 'Deb's Toothbrush'. (She sighs and looks at him.) DAN: Let's see... here's me (Flips the picture over.) arm rolling the tyres. (It's a picture of him cleaning the wheel rim with her toothbrush.) (He throws it aside.) DAN: (Holds up another one.) Scrubbing the toilet. (He's scrubbing the inside of the toilet.) (Deb holds a towel to her mouth.) (Dan holds up another one.) DAN: The neighbour's dog. (The toothbrush is in the dog's mouth. Deb coughs into the towel. He looks at the last one and smiles fondly.) DAN: Oh, and my favourite,... here's your toothbrush up the dog's- (Deb coughs violently and turns to the sink, retching. Dan sniffs the picture.) DAN: Ooo. (Deb continues to cough into the sink while Dan smiles and walks out of the bathroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - SHOPPING AREA - DAY] (Lucas is walking with Rachel.) RACHEL: So,... basically, the plan is to parade me around in front of Brooke, rubbing her nose in the fact that you're out with an extremely hot girl who isn't her? LUCAS: Yeah, pretty much. RACHEL: Cool. Just show me where she works. (Lucas points into the window of 'Suburban Filth'. Brooke is inside, a big grin in place as she finishes dressing a mannequin. She sees them and her smile drops.) RACHEL: Oh, (Smiles and takes his arm.) perfect timing. (Brooke glowers at her.) LUCAS: (Looking around.) Uh, you think its working? (Brooke stomps away.) RACHEL: Oh yeah,... but we can do better. (She grabs his hand and pulls him towards the shop.) LUCAS: Whoa, I... think this is a bad idea(!) (They enter the shop.) BROOKE: (Stiffly) Welcome to Suburban Filth, can I help you? (Lucas is extremely uncomfortable.) RACHEL: Yes, we're looking for some lingerie; something lacy, (Grins at Lucas.) open cup,... possibly edible. (Brooke smirks and scoffs at Lucas.) LUCAS: OK, joke's over, Rachel, lets go. BROOKE: You know, I think you're in the wrong store - you're looking for Slut Barn, downstairs. (Smirks at Rachel.) (Rachel looks right and walks over to a stand.) RACHEL: These'll do. (Brooke looks at Lucas who has nothing to say.) RACHEL: Oh, and I need a pair for my sister. She's kinda chubby... you know, your size. (Brooke moves forward but Lucas sticks his shoulder in the way... holding her back.) BROOKE: Either you take her out that door or I'm gonna put her through the window. LUCAS: OK, look, I'm sorry. I messed up (Brooke glares at him.) but you're the one who told me to see other- BROOKE: (Viciously) Now,... Lucas! (Rachel smirks at Brooke. Lucas turns to her.) LUCAS: Let's go, Rachel. RACHEL: Yeah, OK. Service here sucks donkeys, anyway. (She grabs Lucas and pulls him out of the shop. Brooke watches them. Lucas looks back whilst being dragged off. Brooke shakes her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Haley is sitting on the couch, playing her guitar. There's a knock at the door. Haley looks back before standing up to answer it. She takes the guitar and continues to play for a beat. She sets it against the wall and opens the door. Nathan's there.) HALEY: (Smiling) Hey! I'm-I wasn't expecting you. (Steps back.) Come on in. NATHAN: (Walks in and shuts the door.) I can't stay. I just, uh, there's something I wanna talk to you about. HALEY: Chris. NATHAN: How'd you know? HALEY: Please, all this weirdness between us, I just figured... Nathan, I-I didn't know he was coming back into town. You have to believe me. I would never work with him again. NATHAN: Actually, I think you should. HALEY: (Astonished) You what? NATHAN: (Shrugs) He's good for your music, Haley... and that's what you should be focussing on right now. HALEY: Nathan, (Pause) working with Chris nearly killed our marriage! Do you remember how jealous you were? NATHAN: Yeah, and that's just it. (Pause) I told you I needed to be able to trust you again. (Smiles) (Haley understands his test.) NATHAN: This is your chance. HALEY: So, this is like a test?(!) NATHAN: You can call it what you want... but if you work with Chris and you end up having feelings for him again (Shrugs) I guess I'll have my answer. (Haley put her hands to her head in frustration.) HALEY: That's ridiculous! Nathan, that's not fair! NATHAN: Maybe not... but like I said... it's your chance. (He leaves and Haley sighs, bewildered and not at all happy.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton walks up to the large oval mirror and looks into it. She's wearing her cheerleading uniform - something she hasn't worn in a long time; something Anna did that Ellie didn't. The camera pans left and focuses out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke sits in front of a mirror, a blue and white 'R' painted on her upper right cheek and she's also in uniform. She's combing her hair. Haley enters and Brooke sees her through the mirror. Haley stops and looks at the uniform laid out for her on the bed. All she has to do is wear it and cheer. It's a mystery how Haley'll know the moves in time.) (Brooke smiles and walks to the exit, slapping Haley on the arse on her way out. Haley looks at it, torn.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM - EVENING] (Rachel turns left and right in the mirror, seeing how she looks in the uniform. She waits a beat before taking her bloomers off. She grins at her reflection.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - EVENING] (Dan has his campaign buttons spread out on a table, harassing people as they come along and forcing the buttons on them.) DAN: (Shakes a guy's hand.) Vote Dan Scott for Mayor. (Hands a button over.) Appreciate your vote. DAN: (To a couple.) Vote for Dan Scott. Dan Scott for Mayor. (The couple nod and walk away. He sees Nathan.) DAN: Hey, Nathan? (Nathan stops and looks back.) DAN: Big night, huh? NATHAN: Yeah. (Looks at the buttons and campaign.) I see you've managed to make it about yourself. (Dan walks forward.) DAN: Come on, son. Don't be jealous. It's unbecoming to a captain. (Pause) And frankly... it makes you look like a tool. (He holds up a button to Nathan's shirt. It says 'I give a Dan' on it. Nathan takes it and walks away. Dan smirks.) KAREN: Nathan? (Nathan stops and looks at her.) KAREN: You OK? (He's holding the button.) NATHAN: Yeah. My dad just ruins my life. Pretty soon he'll be Mayor and he can ruin everybody else's too. (Gives her the button.) (Karen looks at it and scoffs. Nathan walks away. She shakes her head and looks at Dan, still handing out buttons like they're candy.) DAN: Here you go, Dan Scott for Mayor. (Karen contemplates before walking away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM - EVENING] (Brooke is pacing and ranting to Peyton.) BROOKE: We go on in ten minutes. Where is everybody?! PEYTON: (Leaning against a locker.) Brooke, chill. They're gonna be here. (The squad come in, giggling and holding cups of coffee.) BROOKE: Where the hell have you been? You almost missed the routine(!) RACHEL: (Grinning) Sorry, Brooke. I treated the team to a little pre-show beverage. (Holds a cup out.) Bought you one. BROOKE: (Snarkily) No, thanks. BEVIN: Brooke, relax. It's OK. BROOKE: No, it is not OK. (Bevin sits down.) BROOKE: First of all, this is my squad! SECOND,... (She looks down and sees that Bevin isn't wearing her bloomers.) Bevin, where are your cheer bloomers? BEVIN: (Self-consciously) I'm trying something new. (Crosses her legs.) BROOKE: OK, this squad is outta control and it is (Points at Rachel.) your fault! (Haley sidles in, unsure.) RACHEL: What're you gonna do, fire me? (Brooke scoffs.) HALEY: (Holds a hand up.) Hi. (Brooke turns, sees her roommate and looks as if Christmas has come early. Haley smiles tightly.) PEYTON: Nice outfit. (Haley can feel the hate emanating from Peyton.) BROOKE: Well then, (Turns back to Rachel.) that's it. Get out! (Peyton loses her smile.) RACHEL: (Laughs) You can't be serious. BROOKE: Oh, it's real. Check your pompoms at the door. (Rachel pauses before playing it up.) RACHEL: Well, I don't know what to say. But... if... that's what everyone wants- BEVIN: No! OTHER GIRLS: No. CHEERLEADER: Brooke, Rachel's the best cheerleader we've got. (Brooke looks at her, outraged.) BROOKE: Wh- BEVIN: If we want a shot at states, we need her. (Rachel looks at Brooke cockily.) BROOKE: Look, I make the rules and I say (Turns around.) Haley's in! And, besides, the routine won't even work with an extra person. (They all look at each other. Haley looks like she very much wants to leave.) RACHEL: Sure it will. (Turns to the girls.) Won't it, girls? GIRLS: Yeah. RACHEL: (Dictating) I'll be up front and... Haley, is it? (Walks to her.) Just... watch me for the changes. (She grins and looks at the team.) RACHEL: Come on, girls. Let's go stretch. (Brooke is beyond shocked at seeing her squad following someone they barely know. Peyton and Haley are the only ones left in the room, besides Brooke.) BROOKE: OK, what the hell just happened!? (Haley smiles sympathetically. Peyton doesn't reply.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] (Mouth is sitting at the commentators table.) MOUTH: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Mouth McFadden, coming to you from the Tree Hill gym where in minutes, perhaps the most promising team in Ravens history will take the floor. (Pause) With me tonight is my new colour announcer; Gigi Silveri. (Gigi is eating candy.) MOUTH: Gigi, how would you describe the excitement here? (She holds out a candy and grins. Mouth looks at it, looks at her and then looks out at the gym when the cheers start.) MOUTH: OK, then. And Coach Whitey Durham is stepping into the center court. (There's clapping and Whitey stops in front of a covered easel.) WHITEY: (Into a mic.) Welcome to 'MIDNIGHT MADNESS'! (The crowd cheers. Whitey laughs.) WHITEY: Alright! I want to bring out the cheerleaders in a minute. But first, we've got some, uh, business we've got to tend to. (Pause) Twenty years ago, we had a player, one of the most talented I've ever coached. (Pause) Dan Scott scored a lot of points for this team... (Camera pans to him.) got a lot of rebounds. After that, he sold a lot of automobiles... and I'm sure, in the upcoming election, he's gonna get a lot of votes - just not mine. (Whitey glares at Dan's smirk.) (The crowd laughs and Karen grins appreciatively.) WHITEY: Dan, come up here. (Dan stands and the cheers start up. He holds his hand up, acting as if he's the king. He takes a mic and walks to the middle, shaking his head at Whitey. Whitey frowns his meanest.) WHITEY: Now, I thought, some years ago, we'd retired this jersey, but... (Looks at Dan.) what the hell. (Looks at the easel.) Unveil the damn thing. (Whitey shakes his head and walks off. The jersey's unveiled with 'Scott' across the top and the number '33' beneath it.) (The crowd continues the incessant cheer.) DAN: Whitey Durham, everybody. (Pause) Class act. (Whitey holds his arm up and they cheer for him just as loudly. Dan looks down at his jersey.) DAN: It's an honour to be here tonight. Looking around this gym sure brings back a lot of memories. (Whitey rolls his eyes, unable to believe anybody's buying this.) DAN: I played my heart out for those teams. And I plan to put forth that same effort... as your Mayor. (Karen looks down.) WHITEY: (To himself.) Lord, lord, where's Lee Harvey Oswald when we need him? DAN: (o.s) And since I'm running unopposed- (Karen stands up.) DAN: (o.s) -a vote for Dan Scott is not only the smart choice, (Karen whispers in Whitey's ear.) DAN: -IT'S THE ONLY CHOICE! (Grins some more.) (Some of the crowd cheer.) DAN: Thank you. (Karen finishes what she's saying and Whitey's face spreads with a triumphant grin. He walks back.) WHITEY: Thank you, Danny. That was a fine speech. However, you made one small error. (Squares up to him.) I've just been told you'll be running opposed after all. (Grins) Ladies and gentlemen, the candidate that I'm endorsing... Ms. Karen Roe. (Holds his arm out.) (The light shines on her and she smiles. The crowd cheers loudly and it seems they don't mind who they cheer for as long as they have something to cheer at.) (Karen waves, Dan's stunned and Whitey's loving it. He walks back to Karen. Dan manages to recover enough to clap.) (Someone's thrown their pompom at Karen. She holds it as Whitey hugs her. Dan nods at her, accepting the challenge.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] (Dan stands in the middle with the mic.) DAN: IS EVERYBODY READY?! (Crowd cheers.) FOR 'MIDNIGHT MADNESS'! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! THE COUNTDOWN TO THE START OF THE SEASON IS ON! LET ME HERE YA! (Holds up his hand and counts down on his fingers.) DAN/CROWD: FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO... ONE! DAN: LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! (The music starts up and the cheerleaders walk onto the gym, through the smoke. They begin their well rehearsed cheer.) MOUTH: Brooke Davis and the squad are already in mint season form. (Gigi grins, having nothing to add.) MOUTH: And the newest cheerleaders: Haley James-Scott and Rachel Getina. (They cheer.) RACHEL: Showtime(!) (Rachel jumps in front of Brooke and blocks her way, cheering in front of the captain. Brooke refrains from punching her as she glares, but continues the moves.) (Rachel turns and Brooke steps forward.) BROOKE: Don't push me, bitch! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKER ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan and Lucas are squaring off.) NATHAN: Don't push me, bitch(!) LUCAS: Why, you gonna do something about it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] RACHEL: (Nastily) I'm just getting started. (Rachel turns and does a back flip, moving her legs. Brooke glares daggers at her as she does it again. Rachel does a jumping cartwheel.) BROOKE: Cool it! This isn't the pole dancing you do on weekends! (Rachel glares and does another back flip.) MOUTH: Well, the new girl sure has a lot of... (Searches) spirit. (Gigi grins and nods... still silent.) (Rachel kicks her leg up and Brooke shoves it back down. She spins, and does the splits in front of Brooke as the music ends. She puts her hand up and grins at the crowd. Brooke smiles stiffly and outlines the 'Ravens' on her top for the crowd.) (Rachel stands up and faces Brooke.) BROOKE: What is your problem! (Shoves her.) RACHEL: (Shoves her back.) Say, you're the one with the problem! You dance like a cripple. Nice splits though; you must have a lot of practice spreading your legs. BROOKE: I also have a lot of practice making fists! You wanna see? RACHEL: Brooke, you don't scare me. I mean, it's not like I'm a cookie or a donut. (Brooke scoffs.) DAN: Now, the team that's gonna deliver us our state title- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKER ROOM - EVENING] LUCAS: You're just... like... Dan! (Nathan grabs the front of his shirt and punches Lucas in the face.) DAN: (v.o) The second best team in- (Lucas swings back and punches Nathan. The team decide to get involved, making a scrum for the entrance.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] DAN: Your Tree Hill Ravens. (The crowd stand and cheer as Nathan breaks through the paper barrier, still fighting with Lucas. The rest of the team follow, also wanting a part in the fight. Lucas punches Nathan; the team jump both of them. They move around on the floor of the gym.) (Dan watches them, amused. The cheerleaders watch the basketball players, confused.) PEYTON: What happened? BROOKE: Who knows? (Looks at Rachel.) Maybe someone was being a full on diva skank! RACHEL: You'd know. (Brooke slaps her. Rachel's head snaps back and she grins.) RACHEL: (Looking back) You just bought yourself a nose job. (Punches Brooke.) (Peyton rushes Rachel and knocks her down. Dan is finding this highly amusing. Peyton is wrestling with Rachel. Bevin and a few other girls are trying to get to Rachel's aid.) BEVIN: Leave her alone! (It's a mad rush as the girls try to strangle each other and the guys try to choke each other. It's a mess and it seems that people are trying to get in wherever they can.) (Peyton continues to choke Rachel.) MOUTH: Lucas Scott throws a roundhouse to Nathan Scott's jaw! (The camera pans to the girls fighting.) MOUTH: And, over on the other side, Brooke Davis is choking the new girl! There's a hair pull, oh, an eye gouge. (Peyton kicks the mascot between the legs.) MOUTH: (Extremely excited.) Oh, and there's a painful shot to the groin! Now this is truly 'Midnight Madness'! (Pause) Gigi, I don't suppose you have anything to add. GIGI: Actually, this-this kinda turns me on! (Mouth looks at her, stony faced, and covers the mic... slightly too late. The camera pans across the cheerleaders and basketball players who are still going at it full throttle.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Nathan and Lucas are sitting in chairs opposite Whitey's desk. He's pacing around his office.) WHITEY: NEVER- (Both Nathan and Lucas jerk in surprise.) WHITEY: -IN MY 47 YEARS OF COACHING, HAVE I BEEN SO EMBARRASSED BY MY PLAYERS! (They both look down.) WHITEY: (Leans on the desk and looks at Nathan closely.) What in the hell did I tell you about team unity? NATHAN: (Pause) I'm sorry, Coach. WHITEY: I oughta come over there and rip that captain's patch off that jersey. (Nathan and Lucas look down again.) WHITEY: But I'm not gonna do it. (He looks to the side and opens a drawer. He throws something at Lucas and shuts the drawer. Lucas looks up at him before looking down at what Whitey threw. It's a captain's badge.) LUCAS: (Looks up.) I don't get it. WHITEY: I'm making you co-captains. (Nathan looks at Lucas before looking away with a sigh.) WHITEY: God knows neither one of you deserve it... but this is our last season... and you two are either gonna make this work or TEAR IT DOWN! (Pause) EITHER WAY, YOU'RE GONNA DO IT TOGETHER! (They look down again, simultaneously. Close-up of the captain's badge as Lucas holds it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LUCAS'S CAR - EVENING] (Lucas is still looking at the badge. Rachel moves forward from the backseat, much like Brooke did two seasons ago.) RACHEL: So, what's the 'C' stand for? (Moves her hand down his front.) Coz if it's chastity, I'm definitely in the wrong car. (Lucas doesn't move.) RACHEL: It's a crazy night, huh? I thought you might be up for a little more fun. (Lucas struggles.) LUCAS: Rachel, I told you before. RACHEL: I get it, Lucas. You're using me... and I'm OK with that. (Pause) As long as you let me use you back a little. (She leans in to him but stops at the knock on the window. Brooke kneels down and raises her eyebrows. Rachel rolls the window down.) BROOKE: Please, naked in the backseat is so last year it's, like, two years ago. (She stands and walks away. Lucas quickly opens the door and walks out.) LUCAS: Brooke! (Brooke stops and turns around.) LUCAS: This isn't what it looks like. (Brooke puts her hands on her hips.) LUCAS: Anyway, I don't get why you're so upset. BROOKE: You're kidding, right? LUCAS: You're the one who wanted to be non-exclusive. I'm just doing what you wanted. BROOKE: (Hurt) What I wanted? (Pause) I wanted you to fight for me! (Lucas looks away, equally hurt.) BROOKE: I wanted you to say there is no one else that you could ever be with and that you would rather be alone than without me. (Pause) I wanted the Lucas Scott from the beach that night; telling the world that he's the one for me. LUCAS: (Painfully) How was I supposed to know that? BROOKE: (Shakes her head, desolate.) ...You just are. (Lucas' eyes are strangely bright. Brooke looks at the car and glares.) BROOKE: And one more thing... (She walks back to the car. She stands in front of Rachel who looks back at her, clothes back on. Brooke punches her in the face, hard.) BROOKE: (Looking into the open window with a smirk.) Don't ever hit me again(!) (Rachel holds her face as Brooke walks past Lucas. He watches her sadly.) (Lucas looks down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton sits on her bed. She looks down at the bin and sees the torn article. She looks at it for a beat before pulling it out of the trash. She reads it.) ELLIE: (v.o) It's tough to get to know Peyton. Like me, she tends to keep the world at arms length... but in those fleeting moments she has let me in... I've seen in her, such indomitable courage... and heart - a young woman anyone would be proud to call her daughter. (The camera pans left.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - KAREN'S CAR - EVENING] (There is a flyer stuck under Karen's window wiper.) KAREN: 'Dan's the Man'? (Pulls it off.) (She scoffs at it and screws it up. Dan walks up to her.) DAN: So you're running against me. (Pause) Who'da thought; eighteen years after I pick Deb over you. KAREN: What's your point, Dan? DAN: The point is, you came in second place then. What makes you think it'd be any different now? (Dan smirks. Karen glares slightly and walks to the door of her car. Dan walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE MOTEL - ELLIE'S ROOM - EVENING] (Peyton walks up to the door that is already open. She knocks but there's no answer. She pushes the door open. The room is bare. Ellie left, just like she said she would.) (Peyton sees something on the bedside table and walks to it. It's Ellie's bracelet. There's a tag that says 'Survivor' on it and the numbers '1, 2 and 3'. It's a cancer survival bracelet. She picks it up and looks at it closely. Ellie wasn't lying about the cancer. Peyton looks at the doorway with tears in her eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton is back at the computer, podcasting again.) PEYTON: (o.s) Hi, guys. (Pause) As you know, I recently met my birth mother... and I really didn't like her. (Camera pans down to the taped together article and the bracelet which Peyton picks up.) PEYTON: As a matter of fact, I drove her away... and now she's gone. (Smiles sadly.) But... the part that really sucks- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL - THE HOSPITAL - EVENING] (Ellie is lying on a gurney, waiting to be scanned. She's terrified and sad.) PEYTON: (v.o) You know that thing about judging a book by its cover? It's true. (The machine starts to move and Ellie disappears into it.) PEYTON: (v.o) Sometimes you gotta read the whole thing and, even then, you still might not know the whole story. (There is an iPod with speakers and a computer set up in the hospital so that Ellie can listen to music. The lights on the machine blink and flash.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. APARTMENT (EST) - DAY] (Haley walks up the steps with her guitar case. She knocks on the door. Chris opens it and Haley smiles tightly. Chris smiles back.) HALEY: (Annoyed) Get your guitar... and wipe that stupid smile off your face. (Chris laughs and Haley walks into the apartment. Nathan stands on the street below - how he knew when to be there is a mystery - and he watches them. The door shuts. Nathan puts his earphones back on and jogs away.)	Plan: A: Tree Hill; Q: In what town is it Midnight Madness? A: explosive results; Q: What happens when the Ravens begin basketball practice? A: Nathan; Q: Who is the new hoops captain? A: Haley; Q: What does Nathan and Lucas fight over? A: Brooke; Q: Who fills a vacancy on the cheerleading squad? A: her decision; Q: What does Brooke regret when Rachel sets her sights on Lucas? A: Dan; Q: Who's bid for mayor takes a surprising turn when an unlikely opponent steps forward? Summary: It's Midnight Madness in Tree Hill as the Ravens officially begin basketball practice -- with explosive results. New hoops captain Nathan clashes with Lucas over Haley. Brooke fills a vacancy on the cheerleading squad, only to regret her decision when the new girl, Rachel, sets her sights on Lucas. Meanwhile, Dan's bid for mayor takes a surprising turn when an unlikely opponent steps forward.
[Old Lockwood Cellar] (Elena and Alaric are in the hidden tunnels of the old Lockwood Cellar. She has a flashlight in her hand) Elena: So the Lockwood's really have no idea that these tunnels are underneath their property? Alaric: Yeah. Careful where you shine that thing. Bats hate the light Elena: Wait. What? Alaric: Elena (She turns herself and Damon is behind her) Damon: Boo! Elena: God, Damon (She hits him) Damon: Scaredy-cat Alaric: Just ignore him. That's what I do Elena: So you really can't get in? Damon: No. Seems even the ancient Lockwood's were anti-vampire Elena: What do you mean ancient? Damon: See for yourself. This is as far as I get to go) (He stops. Elena and Alaric keep walking and stops in front of the wall. She looks at it with her flashlight) Elena: What is all this? Alaric: Well, as far as I can tell, it's a story. In simple archaeological terms, it's a really, really old story (He shows her various drawings) Alaric: That right there is a moon cycle. A man. A wolf. A werewolf Damon: Yeah. It's the Lockwood diaries, Pictionary style Elena: I don't understand. I thought the Lockwood's came here with the original founders in the 1860s Alaric: Ah, maybe the Lockwood's did, but according to this wall, these werewolves have been here a lot longer than that Elena: How long? Damon: Long. Gets better. Show her, Ric (Alaric shows her other drawing) Alaric: Names, and they're not native. They're written in runic, a Viking script Elena: Viking? Alaric: This name here, when translated, it reads... Niklaus Elena: Klaus Alaric: And Elijah... And Rebekah Flashback (Rebekah is writing something on the wall with a knife Klaus is here) Klaus: Rebekah let me have at it Rebekah: Quiet, Niklaus. I have to have my concentration if I'm not to slice off a finger Klaus: Father will not like you handling the blade Rebekah: If I want to wield a blade, I shall wield a blade. Father need not know Klaus: He will find out. He always does Rebekah: That is because you always tell him Klaus: I cannot help it. He frightens me Rebekah: He frightens us all. That is why we stick together as one, always and forever. Right, traitor? Klaus: Right (She gives him the knife) Rebekah: Here. You finish. I'm to help mother with the meal Klaus: Yes. Go tend to dinner. Leave the blades to the men, little sister (She gives the knife on the blade's side, cutting his hand) Klaus: Ahh. Bekka Rebekah: It's just a little blood. Be a man about it (She lives. He looks at his wound) Nowadays [Old Lockwood Cellar] Elena: These are the names of the original family? Alaric: Carved into a cave that's... That's been here since way before the founding of Mystic Falls or even the entire new world, for that matter Elena: Ok, this has gotta be one of Klaus' fakes Damon: That's what I said Alaric: That could be true, except the last name up here made us think otherwise Elena: What's the name? Alaric: Mikael Elena: Mikael? Mikael, as in the vampire hunter who knows how to kill Klaus? Damon: Yep. And I now like to call him papa original [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Alaric is taking pictures of all the drawings of the wall) [Alaric's apartment] (Alaric is looking at the pictures and talking while Damon and Elena are fighting. She has a stake in her hand) Alaric: These images tell a story to learn the story, I have to decipher these images (Damon catches Elena and takes the stake) Damon: Sloppy Elena: Shut up. I'm new at this (Elena fights Damon while he talks) Damon: The ghost of Christmas past, Mason Lockwood, said that the cave would lead us to a weapon that could kill Klaus Elena: Yeah, but doesn't Mikael have a weapon? (She keeps fighting but Damon's too strong) Damon: Yes, which probably means the wall will lead us to Mikael, who we've already found and lost (He takes the stake from her hands again and catches her) Damon: Bang. You're dead (He pretends to bite her neck. Alaric is still looking at the pictures) Alaric: These images, at the very least, might tell us what that weapon is (Elena rejoins him) Elena: Then all we have to do is find out what they mean Damon: Well, fine. Fine. If I'm being irritatingly optimistic like you two. How do you suppose we do that? Elena: Well, if the story's about the original family living here, then we go straight to the source [Mystic Falls' High School] (Rebekah is stretching with the cheerleading squad and then she makes some gymnastics moves. When she's done she's face to face with Elena.) Rebekah: You. Goody Elena: I was hoping we could talk Rebekah: About what? Stefan? Don't worry. I'm off him until he starts treating me better. In fact, you should probably take a page out of my book, if I'm being honest Elena: Actually, I'd rather talk about this (She shows her the drawing of her name. Rebekah is surprised) Elena: I'm curious why you and Klaus have spent a thousand years running from your father Rebekah: I should get back to the girls. Homecoming's right around the corner Elena: Well, then maybe I'll ask Mikael when we wake him Rebekah: You're bluffing. You don't know where he is. No one does Elena: So then who's rotting in that old cemetery in Charlotte? Rebekah: If you wake Mikael, we are all doomed Elena: So then tell me Rebekah: Why do you want to know? Elena: Why don't you want me to wake him? Rebekah: I need to get back to the girls (She turns around to go back to the girls but seems thoughtful) Flashback (Rebekah is with her brother Henrik) Rebekah: Come on, Henrik. Our brothers are fighting again (They run to rejoin Klaus and Elijah, who are fighting with swords) Elijah: Oh, look. Sister's arrived to watch my fast-approaching victory Klaus: On the contrary, Elijah (They keep fighting and he breaks Elijah's belt. Everyone laughs. Michael and Esther are watching) Esther: Relax, Mikael. Niklaus means well Mikael: That is precisely my problem (He rejoins Klaus and Elijah and takes Elijah's sword) Mikael: So... Why don't you teach me that trick, young warrior? Klaus: Father, we were just having fun Mikael: We fight for our survival. And you find time for fun?! I want to have fun! Teach me. Come on! Klaus: Father, it was nothing (They fight. Mikael removes Klaus' sword with his and then pushes him on the ground and raises the sword above him. Everyone is watching) Mikael: You are foolish and impulsive, my boy. What? No more laughter? Esther: You've made your point, Mikael (He puts he sword next to Klaus' face) Mikael: Some days, it's a miracle you're still alive... Boy (He gets up and leaves) Nowadays [Alaric's Apartment] (Alaric is watching at the pictures. He puts post- it on each picture to know what each symbol means. Elena arrives; she's on the phone with Damon) Elena: She's going to tell me. She's scared of him, Damon. I saw her face. I just have to engage in a little mean-girl power struggle first Damon: Make sure she doesn't power struggle you into a wheelchair Elena: I've got this, Damon. If we can figure out a way to kill Klaus, Stefan will be free of his compulsion. So how does he look? Damon: Mmm. Pasty and pouty Elena: He'll have to get over it. Call me later (She hangs up and looks at Alaric) Elena: Rebekah will come around Alaric: You sure about that? I mean, a thousand-year-old vampire, I'm sure, has learned the art of patience (She's receives a text from Rebekah asking her to come over for a chat) Elena: She's a thousand-year-old vampire who's joined the cheerleading squad. There's a whole different set of rules in play here, Ric. I've got this (She show's him her phone) [City Jail] (Damon enters Stefan's cell, who's still tied to the chair) Stefan: You know, if you two are gonna keep me locked in here for the next decade, I think we can skip the routine visits Damon: You know I'm not a big champion of this whole Lexi recovery plan. But Elena thinks this place is gonna... Weaken you out, break you down, and make you feel again Stefan: We should all listen to Elena, right? I mean, her plans always work out so well, don't they? Why are you here? Damon: What are you talking about? It's family day at vampire rehab. Just paying a visit to my baby brother Stefan: Go away Damon: Nah. Nah, I thought we could hang out. Little brother bonding. How you been, Stef? Huh? Stefan: You know, Klaus may want to keep Elena alive, but that doesn't mean she's safe with Rebekah Damon: Liar, liar, pants on fire, brother. Klaus compelled you to protect Elena, and if you thought for even a second that she was in danger, you'd be working a lot harder Stefan: You got me Damon: Yep Stefan: You got me. You're good. Congratulations. You can go now Damon: You really have given up Stefan: Actually, this is my happy face (Damon breaks his chains) Stefan: What are you doing? Damon: Screw this Lexi plan. I think we could both use a drink [Salvatore's House] (Elena enters. There's music. Rebekah seems happy and has a glass of champagne in her hand) Rebekah: Hey, what's up? Elena: You invited me over to talk Rebekah: All right, girls. Have at it (6 girls arrive, wearing formal dresses) Rebekah: Okay, now twirl, please (They turn around) Elena: You've compelled your own private runway show? Rebekah: I need a homecoming dress. So what do you think? Pick one Elena: Heh. I'm not here to help you shop. I'm here to talk about why you don't want me to wake up Mikael (Rebekah rushes over one of the girls, her fangs out) Rebekah: I said pick one, Elena Elena: The red one! Rebekah: There. That wasn't so hard, was it? (She compels the girls) Rebekah: Go away. Remember nothing (They leave. Rebekah looks at Elena, takes her glass of champagne and gets closer to her) Rebekah: You do not threaten me. You will learn what I allow you to learn. Is that clear? (Elena nods) [Alaric's apartment] (Bonnie knocks on the door and enters) Bonnie: Hey there Alaric: Bonnie. Come on in Bonnie: Got your message Alaric: Yeah, great. Uh... I'm sorry the place is such a mess. I'm obsessed Bonnie: Brought you the necklace that wouldn't die (She gives him the necklace) Alaric: That's great. Are you ok? Bonnie: Been better Alaric: Listen, Jeremy is an idiot, and I know this with certainty because I was once a Jeremy. Trust me. We learn eventually (He shows her a picture) Alaric: So I've been staring at this image all day, wondering why it looked so familiar... (He puts the necklace next the picture) Alaric: And I was right. Bonnie: It's the same design. Alaric: So your grandmother said this necklace belonged to the witch that put the hybrid curse on Klaus, right? This symbol is repeated all across the wall, and I've been trying to figure out what it meant. Now I know (He writes something on a post-it and puts it on the picture. He shows it to Bonnie. He's written witch on the post-it) [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah and Elena enters Stefan's bedroom) Rebekah: How fun is this? Elena: We shouldn't be here Rebekah: Of course we should. Come on. Like you've never wanted to snoop (She Goes through his underwear and takes a boxer) Rebekah: Boxer briefs. Now, that's a change from the twenties Elena: Are you gonna root through his stuff all night, or are you gonna start to tell me your story? Rebekah: You really are no fun. What do you want to know? Elena: Well, Elijah said that your father was a landowner in Europe. How did you guys end up here? Rebekah: My parents had just started a family when a plague struck their homeland. They lost a child to it. They wanted to escape and protect their future family from the same fate Elena: So how did you end up here? This part of the world hadn't even been discovered yet Rebekah: Not by anyone in your history books. But my mother knew the witch Ayana, who heard from the spirits of a mystical land where everyone was healthy... Blessed by the gifts of speed and strength. That led my family here, where we lived amongst those people Elena: The werewolves? Rebekah: To us, they were just our neighbors. My family lived in peace with them for over 20 years, during which time my family had more children, including me Elena: You make it sound so normal Rebekah: It was. Once a month, our family retreated to the caves beneath our village. The wolves would howl through the night, and by morning, we'd return home Flashback (Rebekah looks at necklaces hanging on the window. She touches one, the one Elena has now. A woman watches her and Rebekah's hand burns at the contact with the necklace) Rebekah: Ayana, you burned me Ayana: That is not yours to touch (They hear someone screaming. It's Klaus) Klaus: Mother! Rebekah: Is that Niklaus? Something is wrong (She sees Klaus arriving with Henrik in his arms. She goes outside to rejoin them) Rebekah: Henrik! Klaus: Mother! Rebekah: One full moon, Klaus and my youngest brother Henrik snuck out to watch the men turn into beasts. That was forbidden. Henrik paid the price (Elijah and Esther rushes over them) Esther: Henrik, no. No. What happened? Klaus: The wolves. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry (He cries) Esther: We must save him (She looks at Ayana) Esther: Please, there must be a way Ayana: The spirits will not give us a way, Esther. Your boy is gone Esther: No, no! (They're all crying. Rebekah is touching Klaus' hair) Nowadays [Salvatore's House] Rebekah: And that was the beginning of the end of peace with our neighbors. And one of the last moments my family had together as humans (Elena's phone rings) Rebekah: You better get that. That'll be Damon checking up on you (Elena answers. There's a lot of noise on the phone) Elena: Hello? Damon, where are you? Damon: No idea, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdressed. Still standing? Elena: Yes. I'm fine, but I can't talk right now (She hears Stefan talking to Damon) Elena: Was that Stefan? Damon: Yeah. I kind of went off-book, but don't worry. I know what I'm doing Elena: Damon, how could you let him out? Damon: I've got this, Elena (He hangs up) [A bar] (Stefan and Damon sit at the bar) Damon: What are we drinking? Stefan: Hopefully something a little bit warmer, a little blonder (He calls the waitress. Damon smiles) Callie: Hi Damon: Hello, Callie. I would love a shot of your best whiskey, and my brother here would love a shot of you (He compels her and takes her arm) Stefan: What's the catch, Damon? Damon: No catch, brother. Drink up. It's on me (Stefan vamps out and bites her arm. Damon looks at the waitress) Damon: Hi Callie (They're now sitting on a table, playing with coins. Callie is on Damon's legs) Stefan: Drink up, brother (Damon looks at Callie) Damon: Will you get us another bottle of this, hmm? (She leaves) Damon: You been on this bunny diet for the better part of 50 years, so how is it that Saint Stefan, of all people, gets good at a drinking game? Stefan: Well, the bunny diet gave me a lot of time to practice. Wallow in despair. Drown in guilt. Regret my existence. It's precision born out of tragic boredom (He puts the coin on the glass) Stefan: Drink up, brother Damon: All that effort wasted trying to tell you how boring you were, and now you finally agree with me? Stefan: Damon, you are worse than Elena. Getting me drunk. Brotherly bonding. What, you think I'll break down, and you can pull me back from the edge? Is that it? Damon: I happen to like the edge, Stefan. Your problem is your inability to resist falling over it. You're all or nothing, man. You can't just be. Although... Who am I to judge? (Callie comes back on Damon's legs and he puts a coin on the glass) Damon: Drink up, brother (He reaches Callie's arm out to Stefan) [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah is on Stefan's bed, reading one of Stefan's journals) Elena: Did you get your fill of snooping yet? Can we get on with the story? (Rebekah gets up and finds a picture of Elena and Stefan) Rebekah: Honestly, I don't get you two as a couple Elena: Why would you? You don't know anything about who he really is Rebekah: I know exactly who he is. He's a vampire. We're a predatory species. We don't have time to care about humans and their silly little lives Elena: Is that why you did that runway show earlier? Because you don't care about the homecoming dance? (Rebekah doesn't answer) Elena: You know what? I'm just gonna go (She gets up) Rebekah: You haven't even heard half the story Elena: And you're not going to tell it. You're just bored and looking for someone to push around. Find someone else to play with. Maybe you can compel yourself a friend Rebekah: The necklace wasn't Stefan's to give. It belonged to the original witch Elena: The one who put the hybrid curse on Klaus? Rebekah: Not just the hybrid curse. She's the one who turned us into vampires Flashback (Mikael and Esther are talking with Ayana) Mikael: Please, Ayana, I implore you. You must call upon the spirits before the next full moon Ayana: I will not. It is a crime against nature Esther: Ayana, we have already lost too much. We cannot lose any more. The spirits can help us find a way to protect our children (Rebekah is outside, listening) [SCENE_BREAK] Nowadays [Salvatore's House] Rebekah: I'm thirsty. Do you want a drink? (They go down the stairs) Elena: So vampirism was a form of protection? Rebekah: What else would it be? Elena: A curse Rebekah: My parents only saw a way of keeping their children alive Elena: Yeah, but why stay? If they were so afraid of the werewolves, why not leave? Rebekah: Pride. My father didn't want to run anymore. He wanted to fight and be superior to the wolves. Where they could bite, we had to bite harder. Where they had speed, we had to be faster. Agility, strength, senses. Flashback (Mikael is talking with Esther and Ayana) Mikael: Everything could be heightened. Our family could live forever Ayana: At what cost? This magic you speak of breed's consequence. This is the makings of a plague, Esther. The spirits will turn on you Esther: Please, Ayana Ayana: I will have no part in it (She leaves. Mikael looks at Esther) Mikael: If she will not protect our family... Then it is in your hands alone, my love Nowadays [Salvatore's House] Elena: In her hands? How could she do anything? Rebekah: Because my mother was also a witch Elena: What? Rebekah: The witch of the original family, the original witch (Elena is surprised. They enter the library) Rebekah: Where do they keep their best vintage? Elena: But if your mother was a witch, then... Rebekah: Am I? No. A witch is nature's servant. A vampire is an abomination of nature. You can either be one or the other, never both. My mother did this for us. She did not turn (She finds a bottle of wine) Elena: How did you turn? Rebekah: She called upon the sun for life and the ancient white oak tree, one of nature's eternal objects, for immortality. That night, my father offered us wine laced with blood. And then he drove his sword through our hearts Elena: He killed you Rebekah: And he wasn't delicate about it either (She opens the bottle) Flashback (Rebekah wakes up, ha has a big blood stain on her shirt. Klaus wakes up too) Klaus: Rebekah (She looks at the blood stain) Rebekah: Blood. What happened? (He gets closer to her) Klaus: It'll be all right. We will be all right (Mikael enters with a girl) Klaus: What are you doing? Mikael: We must finish what we started. You have to drink if you want to live (He gets the girl closer to them and cut her arm with a knife) Rebekah: We had to drink more blood to complete the ritual Mikael: Drink! (Klaus fights but Mikael pushes him and looks at Rebekah) Mikael: Drink! (He takes her head and makes her drink. Klaus looks at her) Rebekah: It was euphoric. The feeling of power was indescribable. But the witch Ayana was right about the consequences. The spirits turned on us, and nature fought back. For every strength, there would be a weakness (Rebekah pass in a sunlight but her skin burns) Rebekah: The sun became our enemy. It kept us indoors for weeks (Rebekah is walking on the daylight, looking at her ring) Rebekah: And then my mother found a solution (Two girls look at her and run, afraid) Rebekah: There were other problems (She sees a man and a woman, afraid, they enter their house) Rebekah: Neighbors who had opened to their homes to us could now keep us out (She is next to a tree and touches flowers but her skin burns) Rebekah: Flowers at the base of the white oak burned and prevented compulsion. And the spell decreed that the tree that gave us life could also take it away. So we burned it to the ground (Mikael, Klaus and Elijah watch the tree burn. Rebekah looks at it from a distance and then turns her head, looking at two men) Rebekah: But the darkest consequence was something my parents never anticipated... The hunger (She follows them) Rebekah: Blood had made us reborn, and it was blood that we craved above all else. We could not control it (She vamps out, rushes over one of the men, bites him and drinks his blood) Nowadays [Salvatore's House] Rebekah: And with that... The predatory species was born [A bar] (Damon is dancing on the bar with two women. Stefan is drinking from Callie, the waitress. A woman gets closer and watches them but Damon arrives and compels her) Damon: Nothing to see here. Just run along. Okay? (She leaves. He catches Stefan and removes him from Callie) Damon: Hey, hey, hey. Ease up. Ease up. She's giving us her employee discount (He puts a scarf around her neck and compels her) Damon: Now just run along (She leaves. They go at the bar) Stefan: All right, time to fess up. What's the point of the jailbreak? Damon: I thought you could use a hug, Stefan Stefan: Come on, Damon. You know Elena's gonna hate you for letting me out, and we both know that you care about what she thinks Damon: Maybe I wanted to remind you what freedom was like before Klaus took it from you Stefan: As long as Klaus is alive, I do what he says Damon: That's my point, Stefan. You've given up. Now, you can sit around and be his little bitch, or you can get mad enough, and you can do something about it Stefan: Damon, he can't be killed (Mikael arrives) Mikael: Maybe I can help with that. The Salvatore boys, I presume Stefan: Mikael [Salvatore's House] Elena: Why did Mikael start hunting Klaus? Rebekah: When Nik made his first human kill, it triggered his werewolf gene. With that, he became my father's greatest shame Elena: Yeah. Elijah told me this part of the story. Your mother had had an affair with one of the werewolf villagers. Klaus wasn't his son Rebekah: She tried to make it right. She put the hybrid curse on Nik to suppress his werewolf side, and then she turned her back on him, but Mikael's greatest weakness as a human was his pride. As a vampire, that was magnified. He went on a rampage and killed half the village. Then he came home and killed her Elena: Mikael killed your mother? Rebekah: He said she broke his heart so he would break hers. He tore it from her chest as Nik watched. Afterwards, my father took off in a rage, and the rest of my family scattered Flashback (Klaus is digging with a shovel. Rebekah is with him) Rebekah: Nik stayed so he could help me bury her. He knew I had to say good-bye to my mother Rebekah: I know you think she hated you, Niklaus, but she did not. She was just afraid. I'm sorry she turned her back on you. I will never do that (Elijah rejoins them) Elijah: Nor will I Rebekah: We stick together as one. Always and forever (They take each other hands. Rebekah cries) Nowadays [Salvatore's House] Elena: Always and forever. Even though he locked you in a coffin for 90 years Rebekah: We're vampires. Our emotions are heightened. I'm stubborn, Elijah moral, and Nik... Nik has no tolerance for those who disappoint him. Over a thousand years as a family, we've all made that mistake at least once. I've made it several times Elena: But you still love him? Rebekah: He's my brother, and I am immortal. Should I spend an eternity alone instead? You've heard the story. It's time to go. I said leave, Elena. I don't know what you're up to, but I am no longer playing along Elena: I'm just looking for one good reason why we shouldn't wake Mikael Rebekah: And I've given you a thousand. But you will anyway. I know you want him to help you kill my brother. I'm not stupid Elena: It's no secret that I want Klaus dead. He has a hold over Stefan's life and over mine Rebekah: Do what you need. Wake Mikael at your own peril. But make no mistake. If you come after my brother, I will rip you apart. And I get my temper from my father. Now leave (Elena leaves) [A bar] Mikael: Has Klaus entered the country? Stefan: I can't tell you Mikael: Has he spoken to you since he left? Stefan: I can't tell you Mikael: All right. Can you tell me the last time you spoke to Niklaus? Stefan: I am compelled to do what he says, and he says to keep my damn mouth shut Damon: I really hope this game of 20 questions isn't your secret weapon Mikael: You see, Damon, I've been a vampire Hunter longer than you've been alive. It's why I found you here. It's why I'm gonna find Niklaus. Well, Klaus has been running for about a thousand years, so if you think you're gonna get a workaround he... (Mikael puts his fist in Damon's chest) Mikael: Careful, Stefan. One move, and his heart's gone. Now... Where is Klaus? Come on. What's the trick question, Stefan? One twist and he's dead. Unless you don't care, of course Damon: His emotions have been shut off. He can't care Mikael: Really? His link to Klaus is so strong that... He would let his own brother die? No ideas? Hmm? Think, Stefan (Stefan doesn't answer. Mikael looks at Damon) Mikael: I guess you're right. He's a dead end. And so are you, Damon Stefan: Wait. I can bring him back. I can lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls (Mikael removes his fist from Stefan's chest and takes a tissue) Mikael: And there is our loophole. Just had to rile him up a bit. Get Klaus back to Mystic Falls, and I will gladly drive a stake through his heart. Fail... I'll drive it through yours (He leaves. Damon looks at Stefan) [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Alaric shows Elena what he and Bonnie have put together. Bonnie's here too) Alaric: Yeah. Filled in what we could. Got vampire, werewolf, slaughter, mayhem, et cetera, et cetera (At the same time he puts a post it with the word on each matching symbol. Elena looks at one of the symbols) Elena: That's the white oak tree that was used in the spell to create the vampires. Which means that was when they burned down the tree, destroying the only way that they could be killed Alaric: Okay, so tree equals weapon, sort of, but we already knew that. What we're not sure about is this. We've got the witch symbol and what looks like a bleeding heart. Upside-down figures usually signify death of some kind Elena: Mikael killed the witch by ripping out her heart. But why is that one connected to the witch's death? Bonnie: I don't know. We haven't gotten that far Elena: Oh, my God. Rebekah doesn't know the real story [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah is pouring herself a glass of scotch. Elena comes back) Rebekah: I thought I told you to leave twice Elena: How do you know that Mikael killed your mother? Rebekah: Nik was there. He told me Elena: He lied to you Rebekah: And how do you know that? Elena: The cave where you carved your family's names is covered in symbols, the story of your family... (She puts the pictures of the symbols on the table) Elena: How your parents arrived, how they made peace, the spell that turned them into vampires, and this. This is the symbol for hybrid. It's the combination of the werewolf and the vampire symbol. And this is the one for your mother (She shows the picture with the necklace symbol) Rebekah: Her necklace Elena: And this is the story of her death (She shows her another picture) Elena: The hybrid killed the original witch. Not Mikael, Klaus Rebekah: No. No, he wouldn't Elena: She put the curse on him, made it so that he would be the only one of his kind, and then she rejected him. With the werewolf gene comes aggression and violence. When he turned, all of that was heightened. He killed her, Rebekah, and then he made up this entire lie about your father so that he wouldn't lose you Rebekah: These mean nothing. They're just stupid drawings. Done by stupid people who had no idea who my family was! (She takes the pictures and puts them in the fireplace) Elena: Then why are you so upset? Rebekah: Why are you doing this to me? I've done nothing to you Elena: Klaus killed your mother. He has a hold on you, on me, on everyone. He has for a thousand years. We have to make it stop Rebekah: Shut up! Just shut up! (She grabs her neck and pushes her against the wall) Rebekah: Don't talk anymore! Nothing! (She finally releases her and cries while she goes on her knees on the ground. Elena looks at her) [The street] (Damon and Stefan go to the car) Damon: Well, I give you 10 points for flair Stefan: At least now we know where Klaus and Elijah learned their tricks from Damon: Don't think you had to wait till the last second to have your breakthrough, though Stefan: Didn't have a breakthrough, Damon (Damon imitates him) Damon: "Ooh. Ooh, my brother's about to die, and I just had to save his life for the billionth time." Careful, Stefan. Your humanity's showing Stefan: Actually, you know what? You're right, Damon. You're right. You reminded me what my freedom felt like. Ah. And when we kill Klaus, I'll be free, free to leave. See, I didn't do this for you, Damon. I did it for myself Damon: Sure, Stefan. Whatever you say Stefan: Why are you doing this, huh? What do you want from me? Why is everybody trying to save me? Damon: Because I have to, Stefan. Because you're in this mess with Klaus because you saved my life, because I owe you. And I can't just leave you in a cell to rot Stefan: Aww. Better be careful, brother. Your humanity's showing (Damon punches him. Stefan rushes over him but Damon's faster and throws him on the ground. The, he kicks him. Stefan laughs) [Salvatore's House] (Rebekah is still crying but she's alone. Elena's not here anymore) [Gilbert's House] (Elena goes out of her bathroom and goes on her bedroom. Damon is waiting for her on her bed) Elena: Damon, seriously? Damon: We got Mikael Elena: What? How? Damon: No idea. I guess Katherine came through. The plan's in motion. See? Told you I had it. Go ahead. Kick, yell, scream. I'm sure you've been planning your rant all day Elena: I'm not gonna yell at you Damon: Why not? I went behind your back, freed Stefan. And you know what? It backfired. He's an even bigger dick than ever. It's just now he's a dick that's on our side Elena: I'm not mad. I'm tired. I just... I want to go to bed (She pulls on the duvet to make Damon moves from the bed but he doesn't move) Damon: No, I think Mikael's weapon is a stake, because he mentioned something about it Elena: Well, then they must have carved it from the white oak tree before they burned it down Damon: So I was right. After all that, the wall led us to Mikael (She finally lies on her bed besides Damon. But she goes under the duvet while Damon is above) Elena: It led us to more than just that. I think I got Rebekah on our side, too Damon: Really? What'd you learn from her? Elena: I learned that she's just a girl, that she lost her mom too young, and she loves blindly and recklessly, even if it consumes her (She then goes on her side so she can look at Damon) Elena: You know, when all is said and done, there's nothing more important than the bond of family Damon: You should tell that to my brother Elena: I'm not mad at you for letting him out, Damon (She switches off the light) Elena: I think that you're gonna be the one to save him from himself. It won't be because he loves me. It'll be because he loves you. Can I tell you the rest tomorrow? Damon: Sure (She closes the eyes. He stays next to her and looks at her while she falls asleep)	Plan: A: Alaric; Q: Who deciphers the meaning behind his recent discovery? A: his recent discovery; Q: What is Alaric trying to decipher the meaning behind? A: the cave wall; Q: Where did Alaric find the writings that revealed Mikael was the father of Elijah, Rebekah and their other siblings? A: Papa Original; Q: What is Mikael's nickname? A: Damon; Q: Who tries to make a breakthrough with Stefan? A: Rebekah; Q: Who tells Elena that Mikael killed their mother? A: a mean-girl power struggle; Q: What is Elena and Rebekah's relationship like? A: vampires; Q: What did the Original witch help the family become? A: neighbors; Q: What was the relationship between the Klaus family and the werewolves? A: one night; Q: How long did it take for Klaus and Henrik to become werewolves? A: the men; Q: Who did Klaus and Henrik sneak out to see change into wolves? A: the loss; Q: What made Mikael obsessed with making the family invulnerable? A: the Original witch; Q: What was the name of Mikael's wife? A: nature; Q: What found a way to ensure that the vampires had weaknesses? A: rage; Q: What emotion did Klaus have when he killed his mother? A: faith; Q: What does Rebekah lose in her brother after the revelation of Klaus's mother's death? A: his imprisonment; Q: What does Damon try to release Stefan from? A: Katherine; Q: Who freed Mikael? Summary: With help from Elena and Bonnie, Alaric tries to decipher the meaning behind his recent discovery. From the writings on the cave wall, he deciphers that Mikael is 'Papa Original', as Damon puts it, the father of Elijah, Rebekah and their other siblings. Elena and Rebekah engage in a mean-girl power struggle, until Rebekah reveals some of her family's ancient secrets and the violent past she shares with Klaus and Elijah. She reveals how the family became vampires. They were once neighbors to a village of werewolves and one night, Klaus and their brother, Henrik, snuck out to see the men change into wolves when it went wrong, and Henrik was killed. The family was distraught and the loss made Mikael obsessed with making the family invulnerable. His wife, a witch, the Original witch, aided them in becoming vampires but nature found ways of ensuring that they had weaknesses. Rebekah also tells Elena that it was Mikael who killed their mother when he found out about her infidelity to him but it is later on deciphered from the writings on the cave wall that it was actually the hybrid, Klaus, who killed his mother, in a fit of temper and rage. This new revelation causes Rebekah to lose faith in her brother. Damon tries a reckless new approach to make a breakthrough with Stefan by releasing him from his imprisonment and they're both surprised by an unlikely ally, Mikael, who has been freed by Katherine.
MUSIC IN: INT. CAR - MOVING (SFX: CAR HORN HONKS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR DRIVES RAPIDLY) PUCHENKO: (IN RUSSIAN) Arkady, you're not going to believe what just happened! Someone from the past - the go-between, Vale. He saw me, Arkady! He saw me! (SFX: POLICE SIRENS B.G.) PUCHENKO: (IN RUSSIAN) Police. I'll call you. (PUCHENKO BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: CAR DOORS CLOSE) GIOTTI: Driver's license and registration, please, Sir. PUCHENKO: Sorry, officer. My wife, uh...pregnant. Uh... she's always calling me when I'm driving. GIOTTI: And registration, Sir. (SHOUTS) Gun!!! PUCHENKO: No! GIOTTI: (SHOUTS) Sir, put your hands up on the dashboard! PUCHENKO: But my wife -- GIOTTI: (SHOUTS) Hands on the dash board! I want to see your hands! All right, nice and slow. I want your hands through the window, opening the door from the outside and step out of the car. Now! Charlie? JORDAN: I got it... ..... now! Hands behind your back. GIOTTI: You just fired this gun, Sir. (SFX: CAR HORN HONKING B.G.) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) (SFX: CAR CRASHES INTO THE POLICE CAR) (SFX: STEADY HORN HONKING) GIOTTI: Damn! (GIOTTI WALKS TO THE PASSENGER) GIOTTI: Are you okay, Sir? Sir? (DOOR OPENS) (SFX: COINS SPILL ONTO THE ROAD) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) ZIVA: Men are such bad liars. MCGEE: But if a good liar was telling you a lie, you would not know it was a lie. ZIVA: Ha! I would. MCGEE: How would you know? TONY: Know what? MCGEE: When an expert liar is telling Ziva a lie. TONY: And this started how? MCGEE: Well, I told her that I went to the gym this morning. TONY: No great skill in guessing you were fibbing there, Probie. You may have lost some weight, and personally I am very proud of you. But gym is definitely not your middle name. MCGEE: Okay, well, Ziva thinks that all men are liars. TONY: Really? So if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell? ZIVA: (LAUGHS) Particularly you. TONY: You think? MCGEE: I wouldn't go there, Tony. TONY: Oh, watch and weep. True or false? I had eggs for breakfast this morning. ZIVA: True. TONY: Lucky guess. Last night I had a date with a very beautiful woman. ZIVA: False. TONY: (TO MCGEE) She's good. (TO ZIVA) My first car was a shiny new red Corvette. ZIVA: False. Strike three. I win. TONY: How did... how did you do that? ZIVA: When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to the left. A telltale sign when people lie. TONY: And the date? ZIVA: Tony, if you'd gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day. TONY: I would? GIBBS: (V.O./INTO PHONE) Location? MCGEE: Oh, yeah. TONY: Okay, but do you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning? GIBBS: Gear up. We have a message from a dead guy. TONY: Ready to roll, Boss. GIBBS: Dinozzo? TONY: Yeah, Boss? GIBBS: You've got egg on your shirt. ZIVA: Not just your shirt. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CITY STREET - DAY (SFX: POLICE RADIOS B.G.) DUCKY: It's amazing what the human body can endure. This poor fellow probably lasted longer than he should. GIBBS: How much longer? DUCKY: Several minutes. Not much when you stack it against a lifetime of minutes, but minutes nonetheless. He could have driven a couple of miles. GIOTTI: More like a couple of city blocks. Traffic sucks this time of day. According to his military ID, he's Chief Petty Officer Jack T. Vale. You know him? GIBBS: No. GIOTTI: Well, he knows you guys. TONY: Jackpot. There's got to be fifty or sixty bucks there. DUCKY: Yeah, there's more in his trouser pocket. TONY: What do you think? Illegal slots? MCGEE: Maybe he was on his way to a video arcade. ZIVA: Maybe he was doing laundry. TONY: That's a lot of laundry. ZIVA: Maybe he was a once a month kind of man. TONY: I do it once a week. (BEAT) Laundry. GIBBS: Who's the fare? GIOTTI: Oh, that's Robert John Stevens. But the guy's got an accent as thick as polish sausage, so I ain't buying it. Found a loaded thirty-eight on the seat. Recently fired. GIBBS: Got an exit wound? DUCKY: No, there doesn't appear to be an exit wound. So, I dig out the bullet, you match it to the weapon and hey, presto! Justice prevails. TONY: Open and shut case, Boss. GIBBS: No such thing, Dinozzo. Only water-tight. DUCKY: (V.O.) Give me a call when you're finished. TONY: (V.O.) You got it, Ducky. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: It doesn't look like a fake I.D. ZIVA: Fake. TONY: What are you talking about? You barely got a look at it. ZIVA: I can spot a fake a mile away. TONY: Huh. I had the best fake ID in college. Never got turned away from a bar. ZIVA: Never? TONY: Never. (BEAT) Once. ZIVA: Once? TONY: Or twice. ZIVA: A month? TONY: A week. But listen, we went out every night, and it was a college town. And they're very tough there. Eagle-eyed bouncers. Really, you had to act the part, too, you know? You had to be mature, worldly, kind of grown up. ZIVA: So it wasn't really the ID, it was you. TONY: Are you kidding me? No! No, I was... I was the master of fake. MCGEE: Last call dialed was nine-one-one. Cops will have it on tape. Maybe this one will be easy. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Fake name. Fake plates. Real weapon. Real guy dead. When he first saw you, he called nine-one-one. When you realized he was trailing you, you shot him. Even the very, very good ones slip up eventually. And you, Mister Stevens, you're not very good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: Women want men to lie to them. ZIVA: Not true. TONY: Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you? Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on. See? You want us to lie to you, so we do. Especially if your butt is as big as 'Bama. (BEAT) Not that ... not that your butt is big. And not that I've even looked. ZIVA: Oh, liar! TONY: Okay, (CHUCKLES) I have looked. But, you know, I never.... ZIVA: Never what?! TONY: Oh, no. I'm catching on to you. And you're not going to get me to say something and then do your little Mossad true-or-false trick. I'm too smart for that. ZIVA: (CHUCLES) Of course, you are. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) GIBBS: Ziva. ZIVA: Gibbs. GIBBS: How many languages do you speak? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: (IN FRENCH) What is your name? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: French. ZIVA: (IN GERMAN) All we want to know is your name. TONY: And German. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: (IN ITALIAN) Tell me your name. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: Italian, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: (IN ARABIC) Why won't you tell us your name? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: Greek. GIBBS: Arabic. TONY: Nice, Boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: (IN RUSSIAN) Tell me your name. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM GIBBS: Ah, got him. He's Russian. TONY: Looked down and to the left. Sure sign of a liar. GIBBS: That's very good, Dinozzo. TONY: Thanks, Boss. GIBBS: Did Ziva tell you that? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs. ABBY: Negative. It's still processing. What we do have is seventy-three dollars and sixty-five cents. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do, you know. I mean, I don't, but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year? GIBBS: Enlighten me. ABBY: Three and a half billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like thirty-five million dollars in pennies. That's a lot of pennies in any language. GIBBS: Including Russian. ABBY: No, Russians don't have pennies. They have kopecks. What does it have to do with Russia? GIBBS: Run his prints through immigration and let's find out. ABBY: Oh, because he's a foreigner and every visitor is printed when they enter the U.S. Clever, Gibbs. Okay, I reviewed the nine one one call. Ready? JACK VALE: (V.O./FILTERED) My name is Jack Vale. This is really important, okay? I've identified a terrorist - a known terrorist. I'm following him downtown right now. Get someone over here. Call NC-- ABBY: NCIS. I'm guessing an over-taxed relay tower in the downtown area caused the line to drop off before he finished. But Gibbs, this guy works in the supply department. And what would he know about terrorists? GIBBS: That's a good question. ABBY: I also isolated the background noise. (SFX: ELECTRONIC /MECHANICAL NOISE) ABBY: It's kind of a Pac-Man-retro-meets-Vegas sort of thing. Not really something you'd hear in a car. GIBBS: He was on foot when he made that call.(SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ABBY: And we have a winner. Nikolai Aleksandrovich Puchenko. Russian. Uh-oh. And there's a Homeland Security alert. You're not the only one interested in Mister Nikolai Puchenko. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: (IN RUSSIAN) Like I said, Nikolai Puchenko, everyone slips up eventually. PUCHENKO: I want lawyer. GIBBS: Get a good one. Tell him the charge is going to be murder. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I'm afraid it's not that simple. Normally, matching the bullet to the weapon shouldn't present us with any great difficulty. But this is far from normal. GIBBS: How far? DUCKY: I haven't seen anything like it in twenty-five years of slicing and dicing. Well, the bullet entered below the rib cage, traveling from left to right. It nicked the pancreas, missed the liver, deflected off the fifth rib, and gouged its way through soft tissue and perforated the stomach. No exit wound. And so that's where it appears to have um... GIBBS: To have um... what, Doctor Mallard? DUCKY: Vanished. It's not in the bullet furrow and it's not showing up on any of the X-rays. I mean, I don't know where it's gone. I'm afraid we don't have a bullet. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) The nine-one-one call was routed through this tower here. TONY: Anyone ever heard of Operation Sunburst? MCGEE: Which locates Vale somewhere in this area when he made the call. Anywhere outside of the circle, it meant that the call was routed through a different cell tower. TONY: Back in ninety one! Come on! Anyone! Operation Sunburst! MCGEE: About three city blocks. GIBBS: Yes, Abby said the signal dropped out. It probably puts him at the outside edge of the reception area of that tower. MCGEE: That's pretty clever, Boss. How did you figure that out? GIBBS: Too much time around you. TONY: Boss! Operation Sunburst. Do you know it? It was a sting. One of our ops. Chief Vale was part of it. He was just a P.O. Three back then. Detailed from the supply department to NIS for five weeks. GIBBS: Get that file from archives. TONY: I can't! I mean, it's not possible, Boss. I've got the index reference, but when I called the archivist, he said the file was missing. GIBBS: Check the log. Who booked it out last? TONY: CIA. So I guess that's... not a who, it's more of an it. GIBBS: Who was the NIS case agent? TONY: What time is it in Mexico right now? GIBBS: Cantina time. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CANTINA - DAY (TV/ MUSIC B.G.) (PHONE RINGS) FERNANDEZ: (INTO PHONE IN SPANISH) Si? Si? (IN ENGLISH) Washington, Senor. FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Only one person in Washington, D.C., knows where to find me this time of day. How are you doing, Probie?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, I'm surviving. You? FRANKS: (V.O./FILTERED) Sun's hot. Ocean's warm. Beer's cold. Got no complaints. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) You change your mind? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Every day. But then something stops me. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) What's stopping you this time? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Operation Sunburst. FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) That was a long time ago. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You remember a Petty Officer named Vale? (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Bright guy, right place, right time. Went undercover for us. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, well he was shot dead this morning. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) And you think this has something to do with Sunburst? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, you tell me. We've got a suspect. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) A Russian. FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Arkady Kobach? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Nikolai Puchenko. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Arkady Kobach is the man you need to worry about. Puchenko and he served together. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (V.O./FILTERED) When the Soviet Union started falling apart, they got into the arms trade. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Wanted to buy some of our Stingers to sell to Chechen terrorists. They tried to bribe Vale in the supply department. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) So you sent him undercover? FRANKS: (V.O./FILTERED) Someone tipped them off. They high-tailed it back to Eastern Europe. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) A month later the CIA stuck its nose in and our file conveniently went missing. What happened to Vale? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Oh, he bumped into Puchenko on the street. Recognized him. Tried to follow him. Puchenko shot him. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) I hope you've got an ironclad case. This piece of scum is way overdue. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Working on it, Boss. Good luck with the fishing down there. Thanks for the tip. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Good luck.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: We got a case yet, Dinozzo? TONY: Like you said, working on it, Boss. ZIVA: We've narrowed down the area where he was shot. And we do have a suspect in possession of the gun. MCGEE: Which means Murder One. TONY: With a bullet. GIBBS: If we can find one. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ABBY: Hi, Ducky! (SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) ABBY: A penny for your thoughts. Or three and a half billion pennies. (GIGGLES) That was a... was an in-joke. So I have a pristine bullet sample fired from our suspect's thirty-eight. All I need is the bullet you pulled from him. I'll make a match and we'll send the bad guys wherever the bad guys go when we catch them. Where do the bad guys go when we catch them? DUCKY: The bullet disappeared, Abby. ABBY: I thought there was no exit wound. DUCKY: There is no exit wound. ABBY: Well, maybe it fell out, like in his clothes or something. DUCKY: I already checked. ABBY: Or in the evidence bag. DUCKY: Checked. ABBY: Or a body bag. DUCKY: Ditto. ABBY: Well, bullets don't just disappear, Ducky. Unless it's an ice bullet! I saw this really cool movie one time where this guy carved a bullet out of ice-- DUCKY: It's not an ice bullet. ABBY: Do you really think you lost a bullet? DUCKY: I didn't lose it. At least I don't think I did. ABBY: Oh, Ducky. I'd be sick to my stomach if I lost the evidence or screwed something up with a DNA sample, or fingerprint. DUCKY: Of course! That's got to be it! Nothing else makes any sense. Abby, you are a genius! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT FRANKS: Probie? GIBBS: Yeah. FRANKS: What's this? Number three? GIBBS: Four. FRANKS: I would have thought you'd have been done practicing by now. GIBBS: There's always something to learn, Mike. FRANKS: Hard lessons. GIBBS: Yeah, some harder than others. FRANKS: Got any extra-fine? GIBBS: You didn't waste any time getting here. FRANKS: You were expecting me? GIBBS: Well, I would have been disappointed if you didn't come. FRANKS: Yeah well, let's just say I don't like loose ends, Probie. GIBBS: It would take more than lose ends to get you off that beach in Baja. FRANKS: These scumbags have been selling weapons to tyrants and terrorists ever since they gave us the slip. Guns, and bombs, and RPGs used to kill American soldiers and Marines in every hellhole from Mogadishu to Baghdad. It's time it ended. GIBBS: You know who tipped them? FRANKS: Rumor was they'd agreed to supply some new high-tech Soviet missile to CIA. Guess they figured they wouldn't get their missile if their arms dealers were in prison, which is exactly where I was going to send them. You've got a chance here, Probie. Don't screw it up. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM FRANKS: (V.O.) Same to you, Nikolai. Who's that with him? TONY: Marty Allen. His lawyer. FRANKS: Hope he's not a good lawyer. GIBBS: Enjoy your tour? FRANKS: Yeah. The place is like a video arcade. You've got more technology in one room than we had in every office across the whole damn country. You know, if I needed to interrogate someone when I worked at Camp Pendleton, I'd take them into the broom closet with a telephone directory. GIBBS: Yeah, no broom closet, no telephone directory, no smoking. FRANKS: Another three reasons why I left just in.... time. SHEPARD: Special Agent Gibbs, may I have a moment? FRANKS: Hoo-rah, Gunny. ZIVA: You know that guy? FRANKS: Yeah. Like a rat knows a snake. GIBBS: Director Shepard. SHEPARD: Special Agent Gibbs, this is Roy Carver, Homeland Security. CARVER: Agent Gibbs. SHEPARD: Mister Carver is here in relation to a suspect we're holding. CARVER: Nikolai Puchenko. SHEPARD: I'd like you to transfer him into Mister Carver's custody. GIBBS: Why? CARVER: He's working for us. He's providing valuable intel on the arms trade among terrorist groups in Eastern Europe. GIBBS: Was he working for you when he killed the sailor yesterday? CARVER: I read the preliminary autopsy report on that, Agent Gibbs. Seems there's a lack of evidence linking Puchenko to the crime. GIBBS: He was carrying an illegal firearm. CARVER: Not connected to the shooting. GIBBS: Yet. CARVER: Well, find evidence that proves he was involved in any serious criminal activity, and I promise, I'll hand him right back to you. SHEPARD: Do we have anything yet, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: We will. SHEPARD: Until we do, I'm releasing him to Homeland Security. GIBBS: (LONG BEAT) Ziva, get Puchenko. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hello, this is Special Agent Dinozzo. David is coming down to pick up Puchenko. (DISSOLVE TO PASSAGE OF TIME) FRANKS: If he walks out of here, you won't see him again. Any evidence you have won't be worth spit. TONY: We haven't got enough evidence to even clear our throat. We can't charge him with anything. SHEPARD: Mister Carver, would you sign these custody transfer forms? FRANKS: Director, may I draw your attention to an NIS case codenamed Sunburst, which dealt with serious allegations of arms smuggling by this man, Nikolai Puchenko. SHEPARD: I'm aware of the case, Mister Franks. CARVER: As I recall, the file was lost, Mike. FRANKS: I made a copy, Roy. CARVER: Jack Vale was the key witness. He's dead. You don't have anyone to testify. FRANKS: I was the case agent. I'll testify. GIBBS: Serious enough charges for you, Director Shepard? SHEPARD: Take him back into custody. I'm sorry, Mister Carver. NCIS is not through with this man. CARVER: Homeland Security looks forward to reviewing the files. ALLEN: This is an outrage! I strongly protest your department's treatment of my client! PUCHENKO: (IN RUSSIAN) You are a dead man!(PUCHENKO CONTINUES SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN) TONY: Hey hey hey.(ZIVA AND TONY REMOVE HIM FROM THE SQUAD ROOM) ZIVA: Come on. SHEPARD: What did he just say? GIBBS: He said, "You're a dead man, Mike." (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) We're taking Puchenko's threat to kill Frank seriously. So right now, this is who we have to worry about. (ON CAMERA) McGee?(DIALOGUE OVER PHOTOS) MCGEE: Arkady Mikhailovich Kobach. Late forties. Served with Puchenko in the Spetsnaz. That's the Soviet Special Forces. First Afghanistan, then Chechnya. In nineteen ninety, Arkady executed three clerks in the payroll office because they could not pay his men. He then shot the Colonel who came to arrest him. Been dealing arms ever since. GIBBS: I want a twenty-four hour protection detail. Dinozzo, you're team leader. TONY: You're in safe hands, Mike. FRANKS: I've seen your hands, Dinozzo. They don't impress me. I don't need babysitting, Gunny. I can look after myself. GIBBS: After spending four months in that crap hole you call home in Baja, I find that highly debatable. TONY: Safe house, Boss? GIBBS: Yep. Mine. Make yourself at home, Tony. TONY: Won't touch a thing, Boss. McGee! MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) We'll be right down. (TO GIBBS) Boss, Ducky found the bullet. DUCKY: (V.O.) It's fascinating where bullets can end up. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I once found a twenty-two caliber slug in a woman's knee, and she'd been shot in the chest. You see, the bullet entered her heart, was pumped down through the aorta, into the iliac, and on down into the femoral artery. Extraordinary. TONY: So the missing bullet's in his knee? DUCKY: No no. Good heavens no. That's much too easy. And anyway, it would have shown up on the X-rays. ZIVA: So where is it? DUCKY: I have no idea. None at all. GIBBS: You said you found it. DUCKY: Well, I have. I just don't know where. I can, however, tell you how. It was Abby who gave me the idea when she said that she would be sick to her stomach if she ever lost evidence. Sick. That's the key word. So I had Abby run some tests of material I took from his esophagus. And we found traces of protein pepsin along with all sorts of other things such as sulphides, oleic acid, polyphenols. But the smoking gun, so to speak, was the presence of Triticum durum. ZIVA: Pasta? DUCKY: Well, specifically, it's spaghetti cooked with garlic and olive oil. Spaghetti aglio e olio, as the Romans say. Very nice with a glass of San Genovese. Anyway, anyway, when the bullet became lodged in his stomach, he became sick. What you might call projectile vomit. TONY: He puked up the bullet? DUCKY: Yeah, find the puke and you'll find the projectile. MCGEE: So you want us to look for a pile of ... dried-up vomit. DUCKY: Yes, and I'll need a generous sample so I can positively match it to what I found in the victim. Oh, and of course, the bullet. GIBBS: Ziva, McGee, get on to it. MCGEE: Well, Boss, we have narrowed it down to a few city blocks. ZIVA: Vale must have still been on foot when he was shot, or he would have gotten sick in the car. MCGEE: So maybe a parking garage or a parking lot? That narrows it down. GIBBS: Then, go. Go! Don't come back without the bullet. (LONG BEAT) Where is Mike? I thought you were supposed to be protecting him. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) TONY: I was! I mean, I... he was right here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) TONY: He couldn't have gone far, Boss. GIBBS: Don't count on it. TONY: Franks! Franks?(TONY WALKS O.S.) (GIBBS WALKS AROUND THE CORNER) FRANKS: Couldn't find a broom closet. GIBBS: How do you know Carver? FRANKS: Just another spook from the old days that made my job difficult. GIBBS: You never mentioned you made a backup copy of that file. FRANKS: It was a long time ago, Probie. GIBBS: Is it enough? FRANKS: Should do the trick. GIBBS: What's in it? FRANKS: Where'd you learn to be such a pain in the ass? GIBBS: Working with you. There's a lot of people who want to see what's in that file, Mike. FRANKS: Guess they're going to be disappointed. There's nothing to see. But there's plenty to listen to. GIBBS: Vale was wearing a wire. FRANKS: And I was on the other end of it, listening to every word. I dubbed a copy. I tell what I heard, the audio tape backs me up, and everybody's happy. Except for Nikolai. GIBBS: Where's the tape? FRANKS: Safe. GIBBS: How safe? FRANKS: Safe enough that no one's found it for fifteen years. This director... she's okay, I guess. But I get the feeling that you've been working under her a little too long. GIBBS: The world's changing, Mike. FRANKS: All the lines are getting blurred, Probie. Hard for a man not to step over them. And you can call off this protection detail. I can take care of myself just fine. GIBBS: No, I can't do that, Mike. All you have to be is a half a second slower, and you're dead. FRANKS: Or the other guy just has to be a half second faster, just like it's always been. TONY: (SHOUTS) I found him, Boss! FRANKS: Nice work, Dinozzo. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY ZIVA: No Italian restaurants. He must have eaten somewhere else and driven here. MCGEE: Well, it couldn't have been this public. You don't shoot someone where everyone can see you, do you? ZIVA: I never do. Unless, of course, it can't be helped. Alleys, service lanes, parking lots. You hear that? MCGEE: What am I listening for? (SFX: ZIVA MAKES A MECHANICAL NOISE) MCGEE: It's Abby's mystery sound. (SFX: COINS FALL INTO METAL HOPPER) ZIVA: That explains all the coins. A coin counter. Vale must have been waiting to use it when he saw Nikolai. MCGEE: In the market? ZIVA: Even arms dealers need groceries. MCGEE: Okay, so he made the nine-one-one call, followed Nikolai... into the parking lot. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY ZIVA: Ground zero. MCGEE: I got puke! ZIVA: That's a lot of regurgitation. It doesn't look fresh. MCGEE: It doesn't smell fresh. ZIVA: Does it ever? That could be blood. MCGEE: Or the Colonel's special dipping sauce. Ah well, we could toss a coin. Or not. All right, give me some gloves. ZIVA: You didn't pack the gloves. MCGEE: I thought you packed the gloves. ZIVA: (CHUCKLES) I didn't pack the gloves. MCGEE: All right, give me something. (SFX: ZIVA GAGS) MCGEE: Oh... ah, there's nothing here. ZIVA: Ay! MCGEE: Ah. Uh... do you have a tissue or something? We have got to buy some gloves. (SFX: MAN VOMITS IN THE ALLEY) ZIVA: This is going to be a long day. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS SEARCHES ON THE WEB) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY SHEPARD: Need-to-know basis. And this one you didn't need to know. GIBBS: How well do you know Carver? SHEPARD: Um... been with Homeland Security since the start up. GIBBS: Before that. SHEPARD: NSA? GIBBS: Try CIA. In ninety-one he was trying to get a sneak peek at top secret Soviet hardware, which links him directly to Puchenko and Kobach. SHEPARD: Sounds speculative. GIBBS: And if I'm right? SHEPARD: If you're right, it probably was Carver who tipped off Kobach and Puchenko when we were going to arrest them in ninety-one. GIBBS: Hey, and look who pops to get Nikolai off the hook? CIA has a shopping list. Carver is the buyer. I want him taken out of the loop. SHEPARD: You don't seriously think that Carver's leaking information to Kobach on Mike Franks? GIBBS: He did it in ninety-one. No Mike, no case. Puchenko walks. Probably right into a deal with Carver. Jen, listen to me. Take him off the need-to-know list. SHEPARD: Too late. Carver's already been briefed. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. GIBBS' HOUSE - DAY TONY: You're supposed to be inside the house, Mike. FRANKS: Nice catch. I must be getting sloppy. TONY: Well, I smelled the cigarette smoke. FRANKS: I can smoke inside if you want. TONY: I don't think that's a good idea. FRANKS: Nope. (PHONE RINGS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hello? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Dinozzo, it's Gibbs. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Oh hey, Boss. We were just talking about you.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We've got a security problem. Time to go off-script. Where's Franks? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Well, he's right here - Mike? Mike! (F/X: TONY FALLS TO THE GROUND) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Dinozzo! Tony!(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GIBBS' HOUSE - DAY TONY: Did I lose any hair? PARAMEDIC: (CHUCKLES) No. GIBBS: How is he? PARAMEDIC: He'll live. TONY: Well, I've been hit harder, Boss, by you. GIBBS: How many were there? TONY: I didn't see. Came up real fast from behind. The rest of our guys deployed from the house in less than thirty seconds, but they were already gone. GIBBS: With Mike? TONY: There must have been two teams. One to take me down, and the other to snatch him. Whoever did it, they were good. Sorry, Boss. So why grab him when all they had to do was kill him? GIBBS: He was holding evidence. TONY: Where? GIBBS: He wouldn't tell me. TONY: Well, I guess you didn't hold a blowtorch to his eyeballs to find out. These guys will.(PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs, the Director wants to see you in her office. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tell her I'm on my way. TONY: Jenny? GIBBS: Jenny? Just how cozy did you two get while I was away? TONY: (CHUCKLES) Boy, that knock to the head must have been harder than I thought, 'cause I'm saying crazy things that I don't even understand! (BEAT) Do you think she's single? GIBBS: (TO THE PARAMEDIC) He's fine. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ALLEY - DAY MCGEE: People should really chew their food more. ZIVA: And drink in moderation. (BEAT) What's that look like? MCGEE: Not puke. ZIVA: (LONG BEAT) Blood. MCGEE: This dumpster could have just been moved here. (SFX: MCGEE MOVES THE DUMPSTER) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: You didn't waste any time. CARVER: Bad news travels fast, especially in this town. How's your agent? GIBBS: Do you really give a damn? SHEPARD: Any update on Mike Franks? GIBBS: No. CARVER: Do you expect to find him, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: He's a resourceful man. CARVER: No doubt. In the meantime, I'd like Nikolai Puchenko released into my custody. GIBBS: I'm not finished with him. CARVER: But you are, Agent Gibbs. Perhaps your time would be better spent finding out who in your department leaked the location of the safe house where you were keeping your key witness. GIBBS: Did you? SHEPARD: Gibbs. CARVER: No. GIBBS: You did in ninety-one. CARVER: If you would like to have this request formalized, Director Shepard, that can be arranged. SHEPARD: I'm sure you didn't mean for that to sound like a threat, Mister Carver. But in the meantime, Mister Puchenko will remain in our custody, pending our investigation into the disappearance of Mike Franks. CARVER: Well, I think you need to look closer to home. Maybe there was no leak. Maybe Franks just lost his nerve and ran away. Or Kobach met his asking price. GIBBS: You don't know Mike Franks. CARVER: And you really think you do? Director. (CARVER WALKS O.S.) SHEPARD: You've got about an hour, and then all hell is going to break loose. Jethro? I really hope you know Mike Franks as well as you think you do. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Marty Allen, please. VOICE: (V.O./FILTERED) One moment. ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) Hello? FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Mister Allen? ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) Speaking. FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Mike Franks. ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) NCIS Mike Franks? FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) One and the same. ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) What can I do for you? FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) I have something that your client's associate, Arkady Kobach, might be interested in buying. ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) What might that be? FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) A one-off copy of the audio tape that will send him and your client to prison for thirty years. ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) If he's interested, what would the price be? FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Five hundred thousand dollars. You get the tape, and I get to go back to Mexico and retire with a sweet little waitress named Camilla Charro. ALLEN: (V.O./FILTERED) I'll have to contact my client. Can I get back to you? FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Sure. Got a pen? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY GIBBS: Hey, what kept him? TONY: Business. GIBBS: God, I hate lawyers. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ALLEN: I demand you release my client, Agent Gibbs. You've got no grounds to hold him. Your key witness has disappeared. You have no case. GIBBS: Oh, you're right. I don't have a case against your client for arms dealing. But I do have one for murder. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MCGEE: We deserve a medal. TONY: That look is as close as you're ever going to get, Probie. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Nikolai, you have a choice. You can spend the rest of your life in prison, or you can cut a deal... and you can tell me where to find your friend, Arkady. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. APARTMENT - DAY (SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN) TONY: Clear! ZIVA: (V.O.) Clear! GIBBS: Clear! McGee! ZIVA: Smoke's from a Russian cigarette. Arkady hasn't been gone long. GIBBS: Come on, double time. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE SETS UP THE COMPUTER) (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) MCGEE: Okay, we're on. Ten calls made in the last day. Three in the last hour and a half. First was to a cell phone, Marty Allen. Second call was to Merchant Bank. And the last call was to a hotel in the port district, El Executivo. Call was made to room seven. GIBBS: Mexican hotel. Names and numbers, McGee, starting with the hotel! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Are you sure?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) That's what the manager said. Room seven is booked in the name of a Camilla Charro, but it was not a woman that paid cash for the room. It was some old guy. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY (SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN) TONY: Frank's brand. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL CANTINA - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) (KOBACH WALKS TO THE BAR) FRANKS: Beer's cold, but they're all out of lime. I sent the barman to buy some. I told him to take his time. (SFX: FRANKS OPENS THE BOTTLES OF BEER) KOBACH: You've got what I want? And I've got what you want. FRANKS: The truth is, Arkady, you've got nothing I want. KOBACH: You think you are the first to point a gun at me? FRANKS: No. But I will be the last. (SFX: GUNFIRE) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (SFX: KOBACH DROPS HIS GUN) (SFX: GUNFIRE) FRANKS: I knew he was over there. I figured I could take them both. Arkady first, then the big guy. Maybe I am a half a second slower. GIBBS: There was no leak, was there? FRANKS: Dinozzo okay? TONY: (V.O.) Boss!? GIBBS: Clear!! (TO TONY) Secure the room. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) GIBBS: You set yourself up as bait. FRANKS: The bigger the bait, the bigger the fish you catch. Arkady never would have got to court, Probie, and you know it. Carver, or whoever else is pulling the strings, would have made sure of that. Another crappy deal - more innocent people die. If you think I'm not going to sleep well tonight because of what I just did, then you're wrong. I'm going to sleep like a baby because Arkady Kobach was a scary S.O.B. who kept me awake nights for the past fifteen years. GIBBS: Someone else will take his place. FRANKS: That's your problem, Probie. I got my guy. GIBBS: Hey. You got that audio tape? FRANKS: Beer's getting warm. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT (SFX: KEYBOARDING) (SFX: GIBBS OPENS THE TAPE PLAYER) (SFX: TAPE PLAYS) (SFX: MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS B.G.)	Plan: A: a man; Q: Who did Metro Police traffic cops apprehend with a recently-fired gun? A: a car; Q: What crashes behind the traffic cops? A: the driver's seat; Q: Where was the dead Petty Officer in the car? A: the team; Q: Who suspected the arrested man had shot the Petty Officer? A: Gibbs' former mentor Mike Franks; Q: Who led the undercover operation? A: a Russian terrorist; Q: What is the suspect in the case of the Petty Officer? A: illegal weapons; Q: What is the Russian terrorist selling to Chechen rebels? A: CIA; Q: Who took over the investigation of the Russian terrorist? A: the files; Q: What went missing from the evidence storeroom? A: the NCIS evidence storeroom; Q: Where did the files go missing? A: The situation; Q: What takes a delicate turn when Homeland Security claims the suspect is actually working for them? Summary: Minutes after Metro Police traffic cops apprehend a man with a recently-fired gun, a car crashes behind them with a dead Petty Officer in the driver's seat and "NCIS" written in his blood on the seat, leading the team to suspect the arrested man had shot the Petty Officer. Tony and Gibbs find out that the Petty Officer went undercover in an operation led by Gibbs' former mentor Mike Franks, who informs them that their suspect is a Russian terrorist involved in selling illegal weapons to Chechen rebels and other extremist terrorist groups but the case went cold when the CIA took over and the files "went missing" from the NCIS evidence storeroom. The situation takes a delicate turn when Homeland Security claims the suspect is actually working for them.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Aria: Ali? Spencer: She's gone. I think I heard her scream. Hanna: Did you see the paper today? Spencer: Yeah. She's gone,but she's everywhere. Ezra: I'd like to know more about you. Aria: I'd like to know more about you too. Emily: So, I hear the new teacher is really hot. Ezra: Holy crap. Emily: Somebody left a note in my locker. Aria: From "A"? Do you really think it's her? Agent: We received a call from Rosewood mall security. They have your daughter on tape shoplifting a pair of sunglasses. Maya: First time? Emily: Yes. Maya: So I'm corrupting you. Spencer: We're meeting Melissa's fiancé. Wren: I'm Wren. Spencer: That feels awesome. Maya: We found your friend. Emily: I knew she was back.Is she inside? Maya: Emily. They found Alison's body. Spencer: It's Jenna. Their phones ring Aria: Oh, my god. Hanna: It's from... Emily: I got one too. Spencer: "I'm still here, bitches... All: ...And I know everything. -A ." [At "Apple Rosegrille"] Aria: Why was Jenna there? Spencer: I guess she's back. Hanna: That cop acted like we were suspects or something. Emily: Do you think we looked guilty? Aria: Why would we? We haven't done anything wrong. Hanna: Except lie about the Jenna thing. Spencer: We promised we'd never bring up the Jenna thing again, remember? It never happened. Aria: Have you found a way to forget? I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night. Spencer: Aria, it was an accident. Hanna puts a drink in her glass, a man stares at her Hanna: It's medicinal. Cramps! Emily: I don't get it. How does "A" know something about me that only Alison knew? Aria: Ali knew all of our secrets, but...We never knew any of hers. Spencer: I knew some. Aria: Go on. Hanna: Talk. Spencer: I can't. Aria: Spence! No, you are not gonna drop a bomb like that and just clam up! Spencer: She'd so kill me if I told you. Hanna: She's dead. Spencer: Ali was seeing someone that summer. Emily: I knew she was keeping something from me! From us. Aria: Well, why didn't she want us to know? Spencer: He was an older boy,and he had a girlfriend. Emily: Who was it? Spencer: She never told me his name. Hanna: That's only half the secret. Spencer: It's more than you ever got from her. Aria: How is that Ali told us nothing,and we told her everything? Emily: Because she made us feel like we were part of something special. Hanna: We were. Aria: I miss that. Spencer: Me too. Emily: I miss Ali. Hanna: I can't believe you still wear that. Emily: Ali still wears hers. Wore. Spencer: When Ali didn't come home that night, I knew something terrible must have happened, but there was always some part of me that imagined someday she'd just show up. Aria: Yeah. I used to think that maybe she'd just...Run off with some guy. Emily: She was laying on a beach somewhere. Hanna: Or getting a tan out by the pool with that hot lifeguard. Aria: Ohh. Yeah...What was his name? Hanna: Who cares? "Save me!" All laughing softly - cane tapping Jenna enters in and the girls stare at her, then leave discretely [Opening Credits] [Hanna's kitchen] Ashley: That's the last of the milk. Hanna: It's on the list. The guy on the tv: ...Over the area right now with a lot of warm air, but we've got a cold front moving in from the west right here behind me. In other news, Rosewood detective Darren Wilden held a press conference this morning. Wilden: The coroner did release his findings this morning, and although Alison Di Laurentis' body did show signs of a blunt-force head trauma, the cause of her death was suffocation. Ashley turns off the television Ashley: Are you okaygoing to school today? Hanna: Yeah.I'll be fine. Ashley: I don't want to think about what the police are saying, and you shouldn't either. Try to remember Alison as the beautiful girl you knew. Hanna: I'm really sorry, mom. Ashley: For what? Hanna: The cop. Ashley: It's over. Okay? We won't be seeing him again. Hanna puts on some lipstick Ashley: Is that amber rose? It's a good color for you. [At the Montgomery's] Ella: I had to look twice to make sure that was Hanna. Aria: Right? Ella: That was somefuneral dress. Her mother didn't get that from curvy girl. Byron: Who shops at curvy girl? Ella: No one, anymore. Do you not have time for breakfast? Byron: No. I'm probably gonna be late tonight too. Ella: Late nights already? We just got here. Aria: Yeah. What's that about? Byron: What's it about? Being gone for a year. Playing catch-up. Faculty meetings.Changing my curriculum. Demanding students. Aria: Maybe your family's demands should come first. I'm gonna be late.Love you, Ella. Ella: What was that about? You guys were getting along so well when we were away. I don't get it. Byron: Well, you know, she's... She's a teenage girl, Ella. Aren't they all moody and unpredictable? Both chuckle [In front of Emily's] Emily's sitting on a couch outside her house, Maya joins her Maya: So... Are you okay? That... Was a dumb question. Of course you're not okay. I, um, I thought about going to the funeral, But I... I didn't know her, and it didn't... Feel right. Emily: No, I... I understand. Maya: Can I have a sip? Emily: Sure. Do you want your own? Maya: I'd rather share yours. Emily: You look tired. Maya: I haven't gotten much sleep. My mom found another one of Alison's boxes in the basement. There were pictures of her in my room. Her room. She's everywhere. And that poster. Emily: Someone should take those posters down. It hurts way too much to look at them. Maya: Emily... I'm so sorry. Hug each other - Pam arrives Pam: Is everything all right? Emily: Mom, this is Maya St Germain. Pam: Oh, Maya. Hi. Maya - Coming to her quickly to hug her -: Hi! Pam: Well, I would say welcome to the neighborhood, but... Emily: It's kind of hard when your backyard's a crime scene. Pam: Still? Maya: It's where people come to be close to her. They light candles and leave teddy bears. I get it, but it still feels like her house. Pam: Sure. Emily: I can understand how you're not sleeping. Pam: You know, Maya, why don't you just spend a few days with us? You could sleep in Emily's room. Maya: Thank you. Pam: Mm-hmm. [On the grass] Spencer playing golf - Emily and Maya come to see her Emily: Nice! chuckles So I hear you're gunning for varsity Captain? Spencer: Well, I have a shot, so... Emily: If a Hastings has a shot, she takes the shot. Maya: Is that a drinking game? Spencer: Yeah, it should be. Emily: Spencer, this is Maya. Spencer: Oh. Maya: Yeah. New girl who moved into dead girl's house. Can't believe I just said that. Spencer: Yeah, I can't believe you just said that either. Maya: I think Brad Pitt and I are missing the same sensitivity chip. Spencer: It's fine. We're all trying to finda way to deal with it. Emily: Maya and I are going for some caffeine. Do you want to join? Spencer: Oh, I'd kill for a latte,but, um... This is my only time to practice, so... Emily: We'll catch you later. Emily and Maya leave Maya: She's intense. Emily: If you knew her parents,you'd understand. Maya: Mm. [In Rosewood High School] Aria: Can I talk to you? Ezra: Yeah, of course. Aria: I'd like to transfer out of your class. Ezra: Can you come inside for a minute, please? Aria: Yeah. They enter in Ezra's classroom. Ezra: I understand where you're coming from. I just... Wish that you could stay in the class. Aria: This isn't an easy decision. But I feel like it's the right thing to do. Ezra: I can keep my feelings in check. Aria: I can't. And even if I could, I don't want to. It's too hard to sit in this room every day and call you Mr. Fitz. Okay? I can't pretend like I don't know you. So... Will you sign it? Ezra: Are you sure? Aria: Yeah, I'm... I'm sure. Ezra signs the paper Aria just gave it to him Aria: Thank you. Ezra: Mm-hm. Aria leaves the classroom, Ezra stays in Now in the corridor, Hanna & Mona are next to their locker Mona: Okay, I am all for boob jobs, but when I see those, I want to "moo." Both chuckle I spy a Sean. Hanna: I'll see you at lunch. She leaves and joins Sean, they kiss, and leave We now see Emily near her locker. Ben kisses her when she closes it Ben: What's wrong? Emily: You surprised me. Ben: We still on for the movie? Emily: My mom invited Maya to stay with us tonight. Ben: Ohh... What kind of jammies do you think new girl wears? Emily: How would I know? Ben: I'll see you at practice. Voice: Will the following students please come to the office : Emily Fields, Aria Montgomery, Spencer Hastings, Hanna Marin. They gather together, Aria's phone rings Aria: Wait. It's from "A." Hanna, reading the text message: "dead girls walking." [In the office of Rosewood HS] Cop: So let's see... You thought you heard her scream. Spencer: I-I said that, yeah. Cop: And when you three woke up in the barn, Alison was gone, and so was Spencer. Spencer: Yes, I woke up before them, And I realized that Ali was missing, so... Cop: So you went looking for her. Spencer: That's what happened. Cop: I got that. So, what's up? Was this a slumber party, or...? Spencer: Is this an interrogation? Cop: No, just a routine follow-up. Why did you guys all fall asleep? Aria: I guess we were tired. Cop: Tired? Really. Is that how you remember it, Hanna? Hanna: Yeah. Cop: Yeah, you guys were tired. Spencer: Look, we've told you everything we know, just like we did the night she went missing. Cop: I know, and you see, the thing is, it's almost exactly what you said last year-- Almost like it was rehearsed. Aria: Like Spencer said, we've told you everything we know. [At the canteen] Aria: He knows we're lying. Hanna: Lying is not a crime. Spencer: It is when you're giving false statements to the police. It's called obstruction of justice. Hanna: Oh, please! We lied about drinking. But the truth that matters is we don't know anything about what happened to Ali that night. Spencer: We also know about someone who might have wanted to hurt her. Emily: We should have told the police the truth about Jenna's accident the night it happened. Hanna: I wanted to, remember? Aria: We had a chance to do more than just tell the truth. We had a chance to stop Ali. Spencer: But we didn't. And telling the police now about what happened to Jenna Isn't going to make her see again. It'll just ruin our lives. Cane tapping Hanna: Oh, my god, she's back in school too? Aria stands up and walks to Jenna Aria: Jenna? Hey, it's-- it's Aria. Do you... Want to come sit with us? Jenna: Sure. Aria: Okay. Jenna: Thank you. Aria: So you're gonna be between Hanna and Emily, And Spencer's right across from you. Jenna: Thank you. Aria: Yeah. And here's a chair. Jenna: So... This would be Alison's chair, right? Jenna sits down Emily: No. We're not even sitting at that table. Jenna: You know, she came to visit me in the hospital after the accident. Spencer: Alison did? Jenna: Mm-hm. Everyone misunderstood Alison, but I knew exactly who she was. Spencer: When did you get back, Jenna? We heard that you were in Philadelphia, a school for the...Visually impaired. Jenna: You can say "blind," Spencer. It's okay. It's not a dirty word. Big silence Wow. It's so quiet. You guys used to be the fun table. What happened to you girls? Chuckles [Flashback in Alison's bedroom, clothes everywhere] All giggle Ali: I see you! Oh, my god, I can't believe it! Emily: Who was it, Ali? What did you see? Ali: He was in that tree, spying on us! I am so creeped out! Spencer: Who was it? Ali: It was that perv, Toby Cavanaugh. Aria: Are you sure? Ali: Yes, I'm sure! He was right there! I bet he saw us all naked. Aria: Should we tell someone? Ali: I mean, we could. But I have a better idea. [SCENE_BREAK] [Outside, at night] Fireworks shrieking Aria: Are we sure he's not in there? Ali: He's not, okay? You've got the lighter, right, Spencer? Emily: Let's wait a second. Ali: What, Emily? Emily: I don't want to do this. Ali: Fine. Go back. You're on your own. Aria: Okay, maybe Emily's right. We should just call the cops. They'll take care of it. Ali: Where's the fun in that? Girls, Toby Cavanaugh is a freak, and we need to teach him a lesson. If he thinks he can come and spy on us while we're in your bedroom, Emily, he needs to know that his little domain Is no longer a safe little hideout. Who knows what he does in there all day, that little freak. Spencer: Are you sure that it was Toby? Ali: Yes! And it's a stink bomb, for God's sakes! We're not nuking the place. Now, let's do it. Give me the lighter. Ali throws something in Toby's place so that it explodes Explosion Spencer: Ali, what did you do ?! Ali: Come on, let's get out of here. All: Let's go! [End of the flashback - Back in the canteen] All the girls' cellphones chime Jenna: Aren't you gonna get that? They all read the text message [Ezra's classroom] Ezra: Okay, people, let's take our seats. Mona: Am I late? Ezra: It's-- it's Mona, right? Mona: That's right, Mr. Fritz. All chuckle What? Ezra: Take your seat, Mona, please. Mona sits next to Hanna Hanna: It's "Fitz," not "Fritz." Mona: Oops. Ezra: If the mockingbird represents the idea of innocence, what characters are innocent? Take a second. Jot down your ideas. We'll discuss. Aria enters in the class, put a paper on Ezra's desk on which "declined" is written - They stare at each other for a while [At Hanna's] Sean: Thanks. Hanna starts to kiss him. Hanna. Hanna: What? Sean: It's too hard to stop if we go there. Hanna: Oh, come on, Sean. It's just us two. It's okay. They kiss a little Sean: Come on, Hanna, I... She gives up Hanna: You do like me like that, right? Sean: Yes. Hanna: I mean, maybe you... Still think of me as just a friend, the girl I used to be. He kisses her Sean: Do you kiss your friends like that? Hanna: No. Sean: Look... I like the girl you used to be, just like I like the girl you are now. Hanna: Is this waiting thing something you really want, or is it because of your dad? Sean: No, it's me. It's... It's my choice. Ashley comes in the house, she's at the phone Sean: Hi, Mrs. Marin. He clears his throat Ashley: We'll submit the loan docs in the morning. Okay. Great. Thanks. She hangs up Hi. How's the studying going? Hanna: Fine. Ashley: Sean... Please tell your dad we really have been trying to make it to church, but I've been working on the weekends... Sean: Oh, yeah, no. I'll let him know, Mrs. Marin. But it's okay. I mean, he understands. He works on the weekends too. Doorbell chimes Hanna: Cute preacher humor. Ashley: Look who stopped by for dinner. Cop: I brought Thai takeout. Ashley: It's time for Sean to leave. Let's eat in the dining room. [In a café] Spencer: I've decided on the class.. I want to take at Hollis. But it's not for credit, Dad, it's for fun. Chuckles Peter: What's the point of that? Your mom's coming back a day early. She'll be home tomorrow. Aria enters in, Spencer leaves the table to meet her Spencer: Hey. I was gonna e-mail you when I got home. How weird was that lunch? Aria: I'd say on a scale from one to ten... Eleven. Spencer: Yeah. Melissa and Wren enter in the café too Aria: Is that the new fiancé? Is he as uptight as Melissa? Spencer: No one's as uptight as Melissa. Both chuckle I'd better get back. Aria: All right. See ya. Spencer goes back to her table -to the waitress- Yeah. Thank you. [Back to Spencer and her family's table] Waiter: Can I get anyone a drink? Spencer: I'll have a vodka soda. Melissa: She's kidding. Peter: I'm gonna have a glass of the house cab. Melissa? Melissa: The same as my father. Wren: I actually will have a vodka soda. [At Emily's] Maya: So I get your connection to Spencer. You both like to win. Emily: Winning's great, but if I've done my best, I usually feel good about the outcome, no matter what it is. Maya: And Spencer? Emily: Spencer needs to win. Maya looks at a picture on which we can see the 5 girls Maya: Alison was always in the middle-- The center of attention. Emily: Have you ever known anyone like that ? Maya: I usually run from those girls. They scare me. Emily: "Those girls"? Maya: The queen bees. Emily: You seem like a person who wouldn't run from anyone. Maya: Do you have a side? Emily: Sorry? Maya: Of the bed? Emily: I kind of sleep in the middle. Maya: I, um, kind of sleep in the middle too. [At the café] Melissa: Hi/low, anyone? Wren: Hi/low? Spencer: It's a game. You guys don't play it in bed? Peter: Wren, you can play too. Wren: I'm a bit lost. Peter: You'll catch on. Melissa: I'll go first. We just started our first week of class, And I've already been nominated to serve on the business school's leadership commitee. Peter: Melissa likes to play the game when she's fairly certain she'll win. Chuckles Melissa: Guess who I learned that from? Peter: Don't go tasting victory just yet. 'Cause the judge ruled on my brief today, and the class action suit against winslow has been dismissed. Melissa: Oh. Wren: If I don't play, do I still get another drink? Mouths silently Peter: Spencer... You're up. Spencer: Um... Big silence Wren: I'll go. I got a brilliant parking spot today, right in front of the chem lab. Both laugh Melissa: He's just kidding. [In Emily's bedroom] Emily and Maya are in Emily's bed, Maya gets closer to her, she puts her hand on hers Emily's cellphone beeps. She gets up to read the text message she's just received [Hanna's kitchen] Hanna: You're cooking? Cop: 'morning. Over easy okay? Ashley: Of course. [In Ben's car] Ben: So, Maya, now that you two have slept together, you've gotten further with Emily than I have. What should I know? Maya: Good girls don't kiss and tell. Ben: You don't strike me as a good girl. Emily: Shut up, Ben. Ben: So, did you guys get much sleep? 'Cause I wouldn't have. Maya: I don't know about Emily, but I slept like a baby. Coming, Em? Emily: Um, yeah, I'll catch up to you. Maya: Bye, Ben. Ben: Bye. Maya gets out of the car We were just messing around. What are you so weirded-out about? Em kisses him Ben's friend: Get a room, Ben! And rock it! Emily gets out of the car too. Lookin' good, Emily. Hanna arrives You're looking good too. Hanna: I'm sorry, are you talking to me? Hanna & Em leave You okay? Emily: Not really. Hanna: You know, I never thought of you as someone who'd be so comfortable with pda. Emily: Maybe I'm not the person everyone thinks I am. Hanna: Who is? [In front of a cinema] Erza: Aria. Aria: Mr. Fitz! Hi! This is my Mom, Ella. Ella: Oh, Mr. Fitz. The new English teacher. Ezra: Yes. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Montgomery. Ella: Oh, please, call me Ella. We're a very informal family. Are you going to see the movie? Ezra: Yes, I am. It's one of my favorites. Ella: Oh, Aria's too. She's told us a lot about you. Although you forgot to mention the "you're very young" part. Aria: We should get going. The movie's starting. Ella: We'll see you inside. Aria and Ella enter in the movies Ella: And you forgot to mention the "really cute" part. [In front of the movie, starting] Film music playing Ella: Mr. Fitz. Why don't you come sit with us? Ezra: Uh... Yeah. Yeah, okay. Excuse me. He sits next to Aria Ella asks him if he wants some popcorn I'm fine. Thank you. [Emily's room] Pam: You all right? Sighs It's all gonna be okay. I promise you. Everything's gonna get back to normal. Emily: I don't know what normal feels like anymore. Pam: You've been missing her for a whole year. You know, that's a lot to take on. Emily: It's not just that. I think there's something wrong with me. Pam: Honey, there's nothing wrong with you. You lost a dear friend. You need to find a way to say goodbye. What about reaching out to the other girls? Have you talked to them? Have you told 'em how you feel? Emily: In some ways, finding out Ali is really gone has brought us back together... But it's still not what it used to be. Pam: Why? Emily: We were friends because of Ali. Pam: Then use her to get close again. You guys need to find a way to say goodbye together. [Spencer's room] Wren: Still having trouble with that bursa sac? Spencer: I can't take you seriously when you say "bursa sac". Wren: Shall I give you another rub? Spencer: No, that's... That's okay. Wren: Yeah, it's late. Spencer: Well, it's early for me. I have a history test monday and a paper due in Latin. Wren: Ascendo tuun. Spencer: Do you know what you just said to me? Wren: Think so. Uh... "Up yours"? Spencer: Yeah. Okay. Wren: That's the only Latin I remember. Can I help with anything? Spencer: What, with your extensive knowledge of the language? Wren: Yeah. You know, I didn't grow up in a family like yours, so I don't know that kind of pressure, but I can imagine it could be unbearable at times. Spencer: Well, you're not exactly a slouch, Mr. Oxford. I mean, that drive had to come from somewhere. Wren: Yeah. It came from me. My life has been my choice. Spencer: Well, you're lucky. Wren: I'm sorry. I'm being intrusive. Spencer: No, no. You're being nice. Wren: Gehry said that the "hat trick" chair was inspired by an apple crate. Spencer: I didn't realize that you were into design. Wren: Yeah. And I appreciate beauty. They stare at each other and then kiss. Melissa spies on them Spencer: Stop. Stop. We can't-- You can't do this. It's not right. Wren leaves [Spencer's house, the day after] She sees Wren taking his stuff back [In a parking] Mona: This sounds totally gay, but if I saw you struttin' it in that dress and kickin' up those heels, I would think about doing you. Hanna: And we love the necklace? Mona: We adore it. They see the cop staring at them Relax. You actually paid for that. Let's go. Hanna: Um, yeah. I'll be right back. She comes to the cop Are you spying on me? Cop: Just doing my job. Hanna: Look, I'll pay for the sunglasses. I'll pick up trash on the highway. I'll do whatever it takes, but I want you to leave my mother alone. Cop: You see, the thing is, Hanna, I don't care if you were drinking the night Alison went missing. What I care about is you and your pretty little friends knowing who killed her. Hanna: What? Cop: Your mom may be hot, Hanna, but she's not hot enough to make that go away. [In the street, under the rain] Ezra sees Aria, he's in his car, goes away, stops, she gets in the car, they leave [View in Ezra's car] He stops, they kiss [In a café] Flashback All laughing Ali: I got you guys something. Ali gives them little packages Spencer: What's the occasion? Ali: You'll see. Open 'em. They open it We'll be friends forever. Can you put mine on for me, Em? End of the flashback Emily looks at her bracelet [In the Montgomerys' dining room] Byron: We need to talk. You can't keep doing this. You're not very good at hiding your feelings. And your mother knows that something is up. Look, Aria, I don't like to lie, but sometimes telling the truth does more harm than good. Now, when we were in Iceland, you found a way to let go of what happened. Aria: Are you seeing her again? Byron: She teaches at Hollis, so I do see her, but not like that. Sighs Aria: Were you in love with her? Byron: I had very strong feelings for Meredith. And my attraction to her took me completely by surprise. I had no intention of being unfaithful to your mother. And you're too young to understand this, but... The truth is, I... Gave in to my emotions. Ella & Mike come in Ella: Mr. Chung was very happy to see us. Byron: From the looks of all of this food, I'm sure that he was. Ella: We got you kung pao. Byron: You're... You're not going out tonight? Aria: No. No, I think I'll stay home. Ella: I like the sound of that. Byron: Is this good? Mm, yeah. You want some? Mike: Yeah, thanks. Aria: I'm gonna go get out of these wet clothes, okay? She leaves the table Byron: Is it good? Try this? Ella: No, thanks. I'm good. Byron: You're good? Ella: I'm good. Byron: You're sure? Ella: I am good. I think I got too much food. Byron: That's fine. Ella: I told you, Mr. Chung was very happy. [In the street] Jenna: Send text now.	Plan: A: Jenna; Q: Who's step-brother Toby was blinded by the fire they played on him? A: Rosewood; Q: Where did Jenna return to after her accident? A: the girls; Q: Who is forced to face an unpleasant incident from their past? A: a terrible prank; Q: What did the girls play on Toby that left Jenna blind? A: a fire; Q: What did the girls set on Toby's garage? A: Jenna's step-brother Toby; Q: Who did the girls play a prank on that left Jenna blind? A: questions; Q: What do the girls begin to have about the night of Alison's disappearance? A: the transference; Q: What does Aria apply for but is rejected? A: Ezra's class; Q: Where did Aria apply for a transfer from? A: his car; Q: Where do Aria and Ezra make out in? A: the rain; Q: What is Aria caught in? A: Spencer's sister; Q: Who breaks up with her fiancé when she catches him kissing Spencer? A: Hanna's mom; Q: Who is still reluctantly involved with the detective Wilden? A: faith; Q: What does Wilden lack in regards to the girls' story? A: the girls' description; Q: What does Wilden not believe about the girls' account of the night Alison disappeared? A: Maya; Q: Who has moved in with Emily? A: few days; Q: How long does Maya stay with Emily? A: a boyfriend; Q: What does Emily have that makes her feel guilty about being attracted to Maya? A: Ben; Q: Who is Emily's boyfriend? A: Aria's father; Q: Who wants to resolve the issues between Aria and Ezra? Summary: With Jenna's return to Rosewood and to school, the girls are forced to face an unpleasant incident from their past in which with Alison they played a terrible prank (by setting a fire on a garage) on Jenna's step-brother Toby which went horribly wrong, leaving Jenna blind. They thought this dark secret has been sealed forever but "A" won't let them forget it. Meanwhile, questions about the night of Alison's disappearance begin to arise, as the events of that fateful night continue to haunt them. Aria applies for the transference from Ezra's class but her application is rejected. They later make out in his car after Ezra drives by Aria after she gets caught in the rain. Spencer's sister breaks up with her fiancé when she catches him kissing Spencer. Hanna's mom is still reluctantly involved with the detective Wilden, who still doesn't have faith over the girls' description of that night. Maya has moved in with Emily for few days and Emily feels herself attracted to her, which makes her feel guilty because she has a boyfriend (Ben). Aria's father wants to resolve the issues between them; which actually works out positively.
[Scene: Underworld. The Source appears before the Oracle.] The Source: My assassin failed. The witch is alive. Oracle: Yes, I know. The Source: You told me her future was short-lived. You told me- Oracle: I told you only that it appeared to be short-lived. Seeing into the future is not always exact, especially when magical forces are at play. The Source: The Power of Three is strong. She'll be almost untouchable now that she's reunited with her new sisters. Oracle: Once the bond is formed, perhaps, but it has yet to, which means she's vulnerable, easily swayed. (She goes over to the Source.) 48 - little hours. The window of opportunity agreed to eons ago by both sides to protect free will. (Whispers) The great flaw in the grand design. The Source: She hasn't chosen the other side yet? Oracle: Well, she's young, confused, doesn't know which way to turn. You must seduce her into using her powers for evil, then she will become evil. And that's even better than killing her, which, of course you could still do. You need to get close to her, read her soul, corrupt it, and she's yours. (The Source caresses the Oracle's chin.) The Source: And you...you need to see the future more clearly, Oracle...for your own future. (He then vanishes.) [Cut to Shane's room in the hospital. Shane wakes up and stands up. The lights flicker. The Source appears before him.] Shane: What the hell? Who are you? The Source: For now, I am you. (The Source disappears and possesses Shane. Paige enters the room.) Paige: Oh, my God, the most horrible thing has happened to me! I can't explain it. Shane/Source: Shh. It's okay, honey. I'm here now. It's okay. (The possessed Shane has his eyes turn all black as he embraces Paige.) [Scene: Manor. Next morning. Kitchen. Piper retrieves an ice pack from the freezer and places it gently on Leo's neck. Leo holds it against his sore neck.] Piper: I don't understand how you can keep healing innocents, but you can't figure out a way to heal yourself. Leo: It's kind of hard to heal myself when I'm knocked out. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Leo, how is possible for an angel to even get knocked out? I mean, you are, after all, technically dead. Leo: Three years together, and now you're asking these questions? Phoebe: Well Piper: I think the more appropriate question is, how does a white-lighter get somebody knocked up? (Phoebe lets out a giggle.) Leo: What's that supposed to mean? Piper: What do you think it means? Leo: If it's about Paige, I swear, the Elders had no idea that she even existed, or that she was your sister. Phoebe: Sister witch. Piper: Half-witch, half-whitelighter. Let's not forget that little surprise. (She helps Leo with the ice pack.) I still can't believe that Mom kept that secret from us. Phoebe: Well, it sounded like she didn't have much of a choice. Piper: We're her daughters. She could've found a way to share that information with us. (The doorbell rings.) That better not be another long-lost relative. (She goes to answer the door. Phoebe and Leo follow. Piper greets Darryl at the door and lets him in.) Darryl: Hi Piper. Piper: Hi there. (Piper closes the door and Darryl looks around.) Darryl: Where's Cortez? Leo: Who? Darryl: Inspector Cortez - the one I hit over the head, the one you said you would take care of. He's missing. Police inspectors are not supposed to be missing. Where is he? Phoebe: Well, I kind of sent him to Piper: Timbuktu. It rhymed with undo. Darryl: Timbuktu. Leo: It's okay. Cole went to get him. Darryl: Cole? (Cole shimmers into the manor by the stairs.) Phoebe: Cole! Cole: Wait. (He gets an energy ball ready and a bounty hunter appears suddenly and strikes. The bolt of blue lightning misses Cole barely and Cole kills the bounty hunter with his energy ball. Cole stands up.) Damn bounty hunters they're like gnats. Darryl: Where's the inspector? Cole: Don't worry. I found him. Moved him to a place he can't tell a soul what he saw. Literally. Leo: What do you mean? Where'd you put him? (Cole gestures below him.) Phoebe: In the basement? Piper: No. I think he means a little bit further down than that. Phoebe: Oh. Leo: Cole, he's a cop. He's one of the good guys. Cole: He's also the one who can expose them as witches. I think that you, above anybody, would want to avoid that at all costs. Leo: Not at that cost. We have to save him. Darryl: Save him? What do you mean, save him? Wh-what's going on? Phoebe: You know what, Darryl? We are going to take care of this whole mess. Darryl: Wait a second. Hold Phoebe: You don't worry about it. (She escorts Darryl out the door and then joins the others.) Piper: Okay. Maybe you can talk to the Inspector, reason with him. (Phoebe hugs Cole.) Cole: And what if he can't? What if you two get exposed? What's to say the same thing won't happened to you that happened to Prue? Phoebe: Well it's a risk we'll have to take. Cole: Yeah well, you know what? There's another risk you guys have to worry about. On the way back, I heard gargoyles. Piper: Gargoyles? You mean like statues? Cole: That's only in they're in their resting state. They come alive to ward off evil. In this case, I think they're trying to ward off the Source. I think he's surfaced. Phoebe: Wait - what? He's here? Now? Where? Cole: I don't know. Could be anywhere. Or anyone. Leo: Probably came for Paige, but she doesn't stand a chance against him. She doesn't even know what her power is yet. Phoebe: Leo, we don't stand a chance against him. Not without Prue. Leo: But you might with Paige - the new Power of Three. Piper: Can you sense her? Leo: I don't think so. She's too new. Piper: Well then we just have to start with the church Mom was talking about. Phoebe: Piper Piper: What? Phoebe, I'm not crazy about it, either, but we can't just do anything about it - now. Mom wouldn't want us to... and neither would Prue. [Scene: Paige's apartment. Shane/Source is staring at a bird in a cage. Bird is scared.] Paige: Oscar...what's the matter, sweetheart? It's okay. I'm home. (Paige goes back to her closet and picks out a jacket. She sits down on her bed.) Shane/Source: Maybe he doesn't like me. Paige: Don't be ridiculous. He's always liked you. Shane/Source: Well, aren't you going to tell me what happened last night? (Paige sits on the bed.) Paige: No. It's nothing. Shane/Source: It seemed like something to me. You were pretty scared. Paige: Let's just say that when I wanted to find out who I was, I didn't want to find out I was a freak. Look, can we just talk about this later? Shane/Source: Of course. Hey, I never got to thank you for taking such good care of me. (Shane/Source and Paige are about to kiss but they break apart when Paige's bird, Oscar, screeches very loudly.) Paige: Oscar. Listen, I should get to work anyway. I'm in enough trouble with the boss as it is. (Paige heads for the door and Shane/Source raises a glowing red hand at Paige's direction.) Shane/Source: Well, I know how badly you want to be there for that placement hearing. (Paige stops and turns around.) Paige: How did you know about that? Shane/Source: Well, you told me, remember? Little boy, abusive dad. You said nothing gets under your skin more than that. Paige: Right. Okay. Make yourself at home. Stop by the lunch if you feel up to it. Shane/Source: Count on it. (Paige leaves her apartment. Shane/Source turns to the bird, Oscar, and sets him on fire leaving a burnt corpse behind in the birdcage. Shane/Source disappears in a fiery display.) [Scene: Underworld. Cortez is on a ledge screaming.] Cortez: Help me! (Below him is a pool of hot magma. He is startled when he looks down. Leo orbs in and Cole shimmers in and onto a ledge next to Cortez.) Help me! You! Stay away from me! Stay away! Leo: We're here to save you. Cortez: You're the one who put me here! Cole: No, no. Actually, that was just me. Hoping you'd change your mind about the girls, have you? Cortez: Killing me is the only way to keep me from trying to stop you! Leo: We're not going to kill you, Inspector. But what you don't understand, is that by exposing the girls, you're not stopping evil, you're helping it. Cortez: Oh, yeah, right. Cole: (whispers to Leo) You do understand that if we take him back, it's over. I'll lose Phoebe and you'll lose Piper. (Leo outstretches his hand to Cortez.) Leo: Take my hand. Cortez: No. Leo: Take my hand. Where else can I take you that's worse than this? (Cortez grabs Leo's hand and they orb out, followed by Cole, who shimmers out.) [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is talking to her uncle on the phone at her desk in her cubicle.] Paige: (Into phone) So, how's Aunt Julie? Yeah? Oh. Is her hip any better? (A couple comes up to the receptionist.) Jake: Jake and Carol Grisanti for Mr. Cowan. Receptionist: Okay. I'll let him know you're here. (Paige is distracted by it.) Paige: (Into phone) I'm sorry. Say that again? I got distracted. Receptionist: He'll be with you in a few minutes. (Jake goes over to the wife.) Jake: I'm gonna go wash up, all right? (He leaves.) [Cut to bathroom. Jake washes his face. The lights in the bathroom flash and he turns to find Shane/Source standing there.] Jake: What do you want? (The Source comes out of Shane and possesses the man, Jake.) [Cut to Paige still talking on the phone.] Paige: (Into phone) Hey, before you go, can I ask you a question? Do you guys still go to that church Mom and Dad used to go to? Is there still a nun called Sister Agnes there? (Pauses) Yeah, right. The one that found me. No, no, I haven't spoken to but something's come up, and I think I should. (He sees Jake/Source over by Mr. Cowan.) Uh, Uncle Dave, I gotta go. I'll call you back, okay? Yeah, I love you too. (Paige hangs up the phone and walks over to her boss.) Mr. Cowan. Cowan: Hey, look Paige. I got this, okay? Paige: No. But you can't let that little boy go home with that jerk. Cowan: Paige, number one, you don't know for a fact he's abusing the boy. And number two, this is none of your business. You are an assistant, not a social worker. Paige: That's because you're too cheap to make me one. (Mr. Cowan goes back into his own office. Jake/Source stands at the other side of the office window and gives Paige a look. Cowan closes the window blinds and Paige leans against the window.) [Cut to Manor. Piper is holding the Yellow Pages and looks into Phoebe's room.] Piper: Phoebe, I think I found (Phoebe's not there.) The church. Phoebe? (She looks into Prue's old room to find Phoebe standing there, facing the window. Piper sets down the phone book and walks up to her sister.) What are you doing in here? (Phoebe turns around holding a leather jacket. Phoebe's face is tear stained.) Phoebe: You remember the time I borrowed this from Prue without asking? Piper: Which time? Phoebe: When my boyfriend's cat peed on it. Oh. She got so mad, I thought she was gonna have a stroke. (She whips her nose.) But the funny thing was, she got mad at you because she thought that you were the one that had borrowed it. And you never told her the truth. She never knew it was really me. (Phoebe sobs and sits down on a red sofa. Piper comes over and sits beside her. Piper pulls Phoebe to her and embraces her sister.) I miss her so much. Piper: I know. Me, too. I was wondering when you were gonna let go. Phoebe: I was just I was trying to. (Piper hands her a tissue.) Thanks. Stay strong, you know, keep it together for you, and then I put all my energy into trying to save Paige because I figured only one of us could break down at a time. Otherwise, we'd both be useless. (She sits up.) I'm scared, Piper. I'm really, really scared. She always took the lead. She was she was our big sister. How are we supposed to go on without her? How are we supposed to go up against the Source without her? (Piper sighs.) Piper: I don't know. But I do know that we can't let the bstrd get Paige, either so, no matter what we think or feel, she is our sister. And sisters protect each other. [Cut to office. Paige is pacing. Cowan comes out of his office. Paige approaches him.] Paige: What's happened? Cowan: Nothing's been decided. We're gonna meet again tomorrow. Paige: Tomorrow? You can't let him go home with that kid? Cowan: I can, and I am. Look, Paige, you weren't in there. He was very persuasive. Paige: Persuasive? What about the police report? What about the counselor's recommendations? Cowan: Look, Paige, I know how you feel about these cases, but we can't make a decision based on what you think. We have to base it on face, but right now we don't have enough yet. I'm sorry. (Cowan walks away. Jake/Source and his wife step out of the little office and he confronts Paige.) Jake/Source: You got a problem, lady? Paige: Yeah, I do. I got a problem with people who hit their kids. Jake/Source: Oh. Carol: Come on, Jake. Let's just go. Jake/Source: Wait. Wait. Listen, I can do whatever the hell I want to... (lowers voice) and there's nothing you can do to stop me. (Paige gets her purse and turns to leave. Cowan looks at her departing.) Cowan: Where do you think you're going? Paige: Church. (Paige leaves.) [Cut to Jake/Source entering the bathroom. He finds an old man bent over Shane's unconscious body.] Old Man: Can you give me a hand? I - I - I think that he must have slipped. (Jake/Source turns the old man's body into flames and is gone. The Source comes out of Jake and repossesses Shane.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Paige entering a church. There is a gargoyle statue. Paige makes her way to approach a nun.] Paige: Excuse me. Are you Sister Agnes? Sister Agnes: Yes. And who might you be? Paige: I'm Paige. Paige Matthews. Sister Agnes: No. Paige: You might not remember me. I probably changed a little bit since you last saw me on August 2nd 1977. Does that ring any bells? Sister Agnes: Oh, dear Lord. [Time lapse. Paige and Sister Agnes are in a little office. Sister Agnes retrieves a box from a trunk.] Sister Agnes: I was just about your age, when they came. (She puts the box on the table.) Paige: They? My mother and my father? Sister Agnes: They came in a swirl of bright white lights just like, angels. Paige: White lights. What do you mean? Sister Agnes: Well, that's how they appeared, with you in their arms! I was stunned. I - I didn't know what to think. They said that you were in great danger, that they had no other choice but to give you up, to protect you. Paige: Danger? What kind of danger? Sister Agnes: Well, they didn't say. But I could tell from their pain that it must be very real. They asked me to find you a good home, a safe home, and to keep their secret until you came looking. Paige: But how could they know? Sister Agnes: Because you come from them, my dear. As wonderful and precious as your adoptive parents were to you, you still come from angels. (She reaches into the chest and pulls out a blanket with a P on it.) They asked me to save this for you for this day. It's what they bundled you up in. Your mother had only one request - that your name began with a P. (Someone knocks on the office door and Piper and Phoebe enters.) Yes, may I help Piper: Hi. (She freezes Sister Agnes.) Hey, what's up? We need to get you out of here. Paige: What did you do to her? Phoebe: Oh, she just froze her. She'll be fine. Piper: Yeah. Lucky I didn't blow her up. My powers have been a little off lately. Phoebe: Piper. (Phoebe points at the blanket Paige is holding.) Piper: Is that our blanket? (Piper tries to touch it, but Paige pulls it away.) Paige: No! That's mine! Leave me alone! (She turns to leave.) Piper: All right! Gee. (Piper and Phoebe follow Paige.) Phoebe: Paige. Paige. Paige. Piper: Stop or I'll freeze! (Paige stops and turns. Phoebe and Piper stop as well.) Phoebe: (To Piper) She's a witch. You can't freeze her. Piper: (To Phoebe) She doesn't know that. Paige: Will you please just leave me alone? (Paige continues to walk towards the main exit.) Phoebe: Look, we know what you're going through. We went through the same thing when we first found out we were witches, too. Piper: Look. You just gotta trust us. Somebody very, very bad is after you. (Paige stops and turns around.) Paige: Trust you? You just froze a nun? How do I know you're not the bad ones? Piper: Well if we are, then you are, sister. Phoebe: Piper. (Paige turns to leave.) Piper: What? Fine. Then you try. Phoebe: (To Paige) You have a magical power, you know. (Paige stops and turns. Phoebe and Piper come closer to Paige to talk.) Mmm. At least, if you're really a Charmed One, you do. And the sooner you learn it, the sooner you'll be able to protect yourself. Paige: I have a power? Piper: According to the prophecy, the third sister has the power to move things with her mind. Like Prue could. Paige: How does it work? Phoebe: You concentrate on an object like that candle right there. (She points at the candle a few feet away.) And then you just wave your arm at it. (Phoebe demonstrates and waves her arm. Paige tries it, but nothing happens. She looks to Piper and Phoebe.) Piper: Or, uh, you could squint your eyes. She used to squint her eyes. (Paige waves her hand at the candle and squints but nothing happens to the candle. She turns back to the others.) Paige: Well, maybe I'm not one of you after all if I can't even make that candle (Paige raises out her hand in the candle's direction. The candle is surrounded by blue and white bright lights and disappears and reappears in Paige's outstretched hand. Paige hands the candle slowly to Phoebe.) Oh. Phoebe: So perhaps the whitelighter in her makes it work differently? (Phoebe blows out the candle and sets it aside.) Piper: Half-breed. [Cut to outside. Jack/Source appears in a ball of fire and walks toward the church.] Shane/Source: She better be here, Oracle. I'm running out of time. Oracle: (as a voice) She is. Don't worry. (Shane/Source stops and spots the gargoyle. The gargoyle screeches and Shane/Source drops to the ground covering his ears screaming in pain.) Shane/Source: No! [Cut to inside. Piper, Phoebe, and Paige hear the noise.] Paige: What is that? Phoebe: I don't know. [Cut to outside. Shane/Source's hand glows read and the doors open.] Shane/Source: Paige. Paige: Shane? (She rushes to help him.) What's the matter? My god, what happened? Shane/Source: I don't know. Someone's after me. (She helps him up.) Phoebe: Paige! (Piper and Phoebe run after Paige.) Paige: Come on. Let's get out of here. Phoebe: Paige! Come back! (Shane/Source turns and fires a red bolt at Piper and Phoebe. Piper and Phoebe scream and go flying backwards, sliding their way to the inside of the front of the church.) Whoo! Piper: What the hell was that? Sister Agnes: Good question. [Cut to scene: San Francisco PD Station. Cole and Leo follow Cortez as he makes his way to a phone.] Cole: Look, we didn't have to bring you back, you know. We could have just let you rot. Leo: Cole, I really don't think this is helping any. Cole: Like your way is? (Darryl comes over to him.) Darryl: Cortez, where you've been? Cortez: (Into the phone) This is Inspector Cortez. I need a surveillance team around the clock. I'll take one shift. Darryl: What are you doing? Cortez: What I said I'd do before you clipped me from behind. Cole: You're making a big mistake, Inspector. (Leo hears a white-lighter call.) You have no idea what you're doing. Cortez: You want to bet? Leo: Something's wrong. Piper's calling. Cole: Just so you know, whatever pain you put Phoebe through because of what you're doing will be nothing compared to the pain I put you through. You understand? Cortez: (Into the phone) 1329 Prescott Street. Phoebe and Piper Halliwell. They're murder suspects. Leo: All right. Come on. Come on. (He and Cole leave.) Cortez: (Into the phone) Yeah, thanks. (Darryl grabs Cortez as he hangs up the phone.) Darryl: Hey, listen Cortez. (He points at Darryl.) Cortez: Let go of me. (Darryl does.) You make me sick. How long have you been covering up for them, huh? How many other murders have you ignored just to protect them? You're a disgrace to that shield, my friend. (Darryl pins him up to the wall.) Darryl: This isn't the first time I've risked my career for those girls - my life, my family! They're the best people I've ever met, and they'll do more good than you'll ever know. And it cost them their sister. (Two inspectors pull Darryl away from Cortez.) Cop 1: Hey, hey inspector, ease up. Cop 2: Hey, you all right? Darryl: I'm good. I'm good. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Cole and Leo are pacing in front of them with their arms folded.] Leo: So the Source was there, at the church? Phoebe: Well, the gargoyles weren't exactly whistling Dixie, Leo. Piper: Plus, something pretty powerful knocked us on our asses. (Cole sits down.) Cole: But if he was there, why didn't he try to kill Paige? Phoebe: Maybe he didn't want to go up against the Charmed Ones. Cole: No, that doesn't make sense. He knows that Paige is new to her powers. If ever there was a time to attack Leo: Wait a minute. What if he's not trying to kill her anymore? What if he's trying to lure her to his side? Phoebe: Translation please? Cole: The mythological window. Leo: There's a window of opportunity, an opening. Cole: 48 hours. Leo: Right, 48 hours where a nascent witch who hasn't chosen to use her powers for good or evil yet can be swayed either way. (He sits down.) Phoebe: Wait, so all he has to do is cast a spell on her? Cole: No, he can't. It has to be her choice, but he can tempt her, entice her. If he gets her to use her powers for evil Leo: She becomes evil forever. (Phoebe sighs.) Piper: Who makes up these cockamamie rules? (Cole looks down and Leo looks up.) Oh, never mind Phoebe: Okay, so we have less than 24 hours to get to Paige and no idea how to find her. Piper: But I bet the Source does. [Scene: Paige's apartment. Paige is sitting on the couch with a blanket. Shane/Source brings her a glass of water and sits down next to her.] Shane/Source: Here. Paige: Thanks. (She takes a sip of her water.) I'm so sorry to involve you in all of this. Shane/Source: All of what? Paige (Paige puts down her glass.) What's going on? Paige: I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Shane/Source: Hey, you don't have to know. You're safe here with me. (They kiss.) (In Paige's head) I'll take care of you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Cole is looking at Cortez, who's leaning against his car parked outside the Manor. Phoebe, Piper, and Leo are at the Book of Shadows.] Cole: Are you sure you don't want me to turn Belthazor loose on Cortez just for a minute or two? Leo: No. He doesn't have anything on the girls yet. Besides, now is no time to be blurring the line between good and evil. (Phoebe closes the book.) Phoebe: This is useless. (She clears her throat.) We're never gonna find Paige without a little help. (The book opens on it's own and flips through the pages. It stops on one page.) Works everytime. Okay, an enchantment spell. Wait. How is this gonna help find her? Piper: Well, maybe it's not to find Paige. Maybe it's so we can ID the source. See the last line? It's, "So she can reveal the evil within." Phoebe: But that'll only help if we can find him? Leo: Maybe we can, or at least, maybe you can. (He looks at Cole.) Phoebe: What does he mean? (Cole walks toward them. He clears his throat.) Cole: Demons can sense the Source's aura. It's how he reminds us of his power, his reach. Maybe if I focus on it Phoebe: Then he'll know you're doing it. And he'll find you. Cole: Not if I was careful. It's your only chance at saving your sister. (He goes back to the window.) Piper: Okay. So we need something to enchant. Phoebe: Right, um (Everyone looks around. Phoebe spots something.) Oh! (She goes over to a shelf and finds a pair of pink kiddy sunglasses.) How about these? Piper: Oh Phoebe. Phoebe: What? They're perfect. Piper: Oh great. (They both hold either side of the sunglasses.) Piper/Phoebe: "Magic forces far and wide, Enchant these so those can't hide, Allow this witch to use therein, So she can reveal the evil within." (The glasses lenses' grow.) Phoebe: Hmm. Piper: Okay. Better test 'em. (Phoebe puts the glasses on. She giggles a little as she looks at Leo.) Leo: Well? Phoebe: Nothing. You look the same. Cole: How 'bout me? (Phoebe looks at him and lets out a little scream.) What? (Through the glasses, Phoebe sees Cole as Belthazor as he walks toward the girls.) What do I look like? Phoebe: You look like hell. (She takes off the glasses.) Enchanting. (Cole smiles. Phoebe looks up.) Thanks for the magical assist Grams. Piper: How do you know it wasn't somebody else? [Scene: Paige's apartment. Bathroom. She comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her and goes to the medicine cabinet. She hears Shane/Source voice. She stares in the mirror.] Shane/Source: You know who you are now Paige. This is (his voice goes demonic) where your destiny lies. It lies not with your sister witches. (He appears behind her.) It's for no one but you. This is what you've been searching for your whole life. This is why you have the power. (He makes an image of Jake/Source appear in the mirror.) Jake/Source: You can't stop me. Shane/Source: Use your power for your desires, to seek your own revenge. (The image disappears.) Use your power. Call for his heart. Call for his life. (He disappears. Paige holds up her hand and the glass from the mirror disappears.) [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Jake and Carol (his wife) storm out of an office. Mr. Cowan storms off in a different direction. Paige gets up and follows Jake and Carol as Shane/Source looks on.] [Cut to outside. Jake and Carol go towards their car. Paige holds out her hand.] Paige: Heart. (Jake clutches his heart in pain.) Carol: Jake, what is it? (He falls to the ground as he doubles over.) No! [Cut to other side of parking lot. Piper pulls up in her jeep with Phoebe, Cole, and Leo in it. They all get out and look around.] Phoebe: I don't see Paige anywhere. Piper: Are you sure this is the right place, Cole? Cole: The Source is here. I can sense him. Leo: Wait. There she is. (Phoebe puts on the sunglasses and sees a black aura around Paige.) Piper: What is she doing? Phoebe: I don't know, but she's got a black aura around her. Leo: The Source? Cole: No. It can't be. If Phoebe saw my demonic self, then she'd see his too. Phoebe: Yeah. Well, whatever it is, it's not good. Come on. (They go towards Paige as a small crowd gathers around Jake.) Carol: Jake! Jake! No. Phoebe: Paige? Paige? It's me, Phoebe. And Piper. Paige: He's evil. He's hurting his child. Carol: Oh God! Honey. Phoebe: No. You're being seduced into doing this. Carol: No! No Jake! Piper: All right. You know what? Hi. (She pushes Paige's hand down.) Leo, take her. Go home. Go, go, go, go. (Leo orbs out with Paige. Jake's pain lessens.) Cole: Let's get out of here. (They walk away.) Carol: Are you sure you'll all right? (Jake stands up.) Maybe you'd better lay back down. Jake: I'm not covering for you anymore Carol. You keep your hands off our son. (He walks off.) [Cut to Piper's jeep. Piper and Phoebe are in there.] Cole: You two go ahead. I'm going to stay behind. Make sure the Source doesn't follow you. (He and Phoebe kiss. They then drive off. Shane/Source comes out of the building. He runs up behind Cole, but disappears in a burst of fire before Cole turns around. Cole then shimmers away. He then shimmers near Shane/Source and walks up behind him. He turns around and stabs Cole in the stomach. Cole falls down on his knees.) Shane/Source: Don't die too quickly, traitor. (He holds his hand beside Cole's ear, emerging a yellow-orange light from it.) I want your beloved witch to see your last breath. (He puts his hand on his chin.) To feel the heartache of loss, again. (He begins to walk away.) Oracle, find Paige one last time. (He disappears in a burst of fire.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper and Phoebe come in. Phoebe takes off her coat.] Piper: Leo, where's (As they enter a hall, a knife is thrown, nearly missing Piper and Leo. Phoebe and Piper let out a small scream.) Leo: I'm having a hard time convincing her that she is not evil! Piper: I see that. Paige: Lamp. (It disappears in white orbs and reappears. She telekinetically throws it toward Piper and Phoebe, who duck after they scream. It smashes against the wall.) Phoebe: Bright side - at least she's getting the hang of her new power. Piper: That was Mom's crystal! (She tackles Paige to the ground. Phoebe joins her in holding her down.) Phoebe: Okay. Relax. Relax. (Leo takes Piper's place in holding Paige down as Piper gets up.) All right. Now what? Piper: We just better hope there's some Wiccan exorcism in the Book of Shadows cause yeah. (She goes to the stairs, but stops when the lights flicker off and on. Shane/Source appears by the corner of the stairs.) Who are you? (His eyes turn all black and he telekinetically throws Piper through the stairs banister.) Leo: Piper! Phoebe: Piper! (Shane/Source throws an energy ball at her, but she levitates to avoid it. She goes to kick Shane/Source and he disappears, making her crash into the Grandfather clock. He appears by the couch. Piper uses his power to blow him up. Paige stands up and Leo helps Piper up. Shane/Source reassembles. Phoebe grabs the glasses and puts them on. She sees the Source.) Oh, Piper! That's the that's the (She takes off the glasses and goes to Piper.) Loo loo loo look! (Piper pushes her hand away.) Piper: I know who that is. Shane/Source: Your powers are strong, but will they be enough without the Power of Three. Paige: Shane, what's going on? Shane/Source: (In Shane's voice) It's okay. I'm here now. Paige: Stay away from me. Leo: She still has free will. You can't force her to choose. Shane/Source: Oh, but she's already chosen, haven't you? Come with me. You'll be safe forever. I promise. Piper: Don't listen to him. He's lying. Shane/Source: They only want you for your power. You don't have to share it. It's yours. (He turns into Mr. Cowan.) You've already seen what you can do with it. You do what nobody else can do. (He turns into Carol.) You nearly saved my son from his father. From all the pain and suffering he's put him through. (He turns into the little boy.) Please help me. Don't let him hurt me anymore. You're my only hope. (Paige takes his hand and starts to go with him.) Phoebe: No! (The boy/Source races his hand, suspending Phoebe in mid-air and shocking her with electricity.) Help me! (Paige pushes Boy/Source down and Phoebe falls down. Piper, Leo, and Paige go over to her to help her up. The clock chimes in the background.) Piper: Phoebe? Okay. Come on. Come on. (The boy disappears and the Source reposes Shane, who stands up.) I guess blood's a little thicker than evil. (The Source/Shane looks at the clock and goes out of Shane, who falls to the ground, to reveal his true self.) Source: I've broken the Charmed circle before. I'll do it again. Besides, it wasn't a complete loss. Thanks to Belthazor. Phoebe: What did you do to him? Cortez: Oh my God. (The Source, Leo, and the sisters turn to see Cortez standing near the front door with a video camera. He's amazed at what he sees.) Piper: Inspector, would you get out of here?! (As Cortez reaches for his gun, the Source fires an energy ball at him, knocking him on the coat rack. He screams. He's knocked on a hanger. Piper gasps. Cortez falls down, revealing blood on the hanger. The Source disappears in a blast of fire. The others race to Cortez. Leo kneels down beside him.) Cortez: Looks like evil wins again, huh? Leo: Not if I can help it. (He heals him. Cortez is shocked.) Paige: How'd you do that? (Leo helps a shocked Cortez up.) Leo: That's what whitelighters do. We heal good people. Phoebe: We have to go find Cole. (All, except Cortez, leave. He checks his used to be wound and the video camera.) [Scene: Near South Bay Social Services. Cole is lying on the ground, nearly dead.] Phoebe: Cole! (She spots him and runs over to him. She kneels down beside him.) Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (She puts his head in his lap. Piper freezes Cole.) Piper: Heal him. Leo: You know that it's against the rules. Phoebe: Leo, screw the rules. The Elders owe us. Leo: Even if I could, I could only heal his human half and that wouldn't be enough power to save him. (Leo kneels down too.) Paige: Aren't I half whitelighter? I mean, couldn't I use my half to offset his half? Leo: It's worth a try. Take my hand. (Paige kneels down beside him and does so.) Hold your other hand over his wound. (Paige and Leo heal Cole. He unfreezes and gasps for air. Phoebe hugs him, happy he's alive.) Paige: That was good, right? (Piper helps Paige stand up as Leo stands up too.) Piper: That was very good. Let's just hope it wasn't all for nothing. [Scene: San Francisco PD Station. Cortez comes in with his video camera. Darryl, sitting at his desk, watches him. Cortez looks at him. He looks over to the Captain. Cortez goes over to Darryl and hesitates for a moment before giving him the tape, which he takes. Cortez leaves and Darryl sighs.] [Scene: P3. Piper, Phoebe, Leo, and Cole are sitting there. A waitress, Megan, brings Cole and Leo their drinks.] Cole: Oh good, thank you. Leo: Thanks, too. (She leaves.) Feels good be here again. Cole: Feels good to be anywhere again. (He chuckles.) Phoebe: I will drink to that. (They clink their drinks.) Don't ever scare me like that again. Cole: Promise. (Phoebe smiles as she takes a drink.) Leo: You okay? Piper: I'm not sure. Leo: Prue? Piper: Yeah. We barely got through the funeral and then everything started to go crazy and we haven't had a chance to mourn yet. And that's just not right. Phoebe: I think we'll have the rest of our lives for that. Piper: I'm still not sure about continuing on with this destiny thing. I need sometime to think about it. I hope you're okay with that. Phoebe: Absolutely. Piper: And I hope you're okay with it too. Leo: They may not be, but I am. (He takes her hand. Paige walks up.) Paige: So does this mean I get free drinks now? (Phoebe chuckles a little.) Oh, I didn't mean it like that. It's not that I really drink or Okay. I'm just gonna go. (She begins to leave, but Leo stands up and stops her.) Leo: No, Paige. You belong here, remember? Paige: You sure? I don't want to intrude. Phoebe: Mmm. Come on. Come sit right here. (Cole goes over to stand next to Leo as Paige sits down next to Phoebe.) Cole: Okay, so, uh, maybe Leo and I should go uh pretend like we got something better to do. Piper: Good idea. Cole: Yeah. (He and Leo leave.) Paige: I won't stay long. I just wanted to, uh, come by and thank you. Phoebe: For what? Paige: For what? You mean, beside from saving my life. (She chuckles.) I feel like I should bake you a cake or something. Piper: Do you cook? Paige: No, no. Not really. Phoebe: So how's Shane? Paige: He's okay, I guess, except I'm not to sure he wants to see me anymore. Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. Paige: No. Can't say I blame him. You know? He doesn't know exactly what happened to him, but he knows its something bad and he knows it's somehow connected to me. Piper: Yeah, well, you're not truly one of us until you've dated a demon, so, welcome to the club. Phoebe: Can I ask you a question? Paige: Hm-mmm. Phoebe: Why did you come to Prue's funeral? I mean, you never even met her, right? Paige: No. I never did. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but I just feel like a part of me lost her too and I just I felt drawn to her, to all you guys. I guess it was just a part of me trying to find out who I was. (Piper and Phoebe look at each other.) Piper: Come on. There's something we need to show you. Paige: Show me what? Phoebe: What good magic can do. (They get up and leave.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe lights the last two candles in a circle and then join Piper by the Book of Shadows as Paige watches on.] Piper/Phoebe: "Here these words. Hear my cry spirit from the other side. Come to me, I summon thee. Cross now the Great Divide." (Patty appears in a bright light.) Phoebe: There's someone here we thought you should meet. (Patty looks at Paige.) Patty: Paige. Paige: Mom? (Patty steps outside the circle and becomes real. She hugs Paige, who smiles after the hug.) Patty: Welcome home. (She hugs her again as Piper and Phoebe watch on the tender moment.)	Plan: A: the sisters; Q: Who vanquish Shax? A: Paige; Q: Who does the Source of All Evil decide to turn evil instead of killing? A: her boyfriend; Q: Who does the Source of All Evil possess to try to turn Paige evil? A: the dark side; Q: What does the Source of All Evil want to lure Paige to? A: the Source's plan; Q: What do Piper and Phoebe learn about the Source? A: her destiny; Q: What do Piper and Phoebe want Paige to fulfill? A: a Charmed One; Q: What is Paige's destiny to become? A: Inspector Cortez; Q: Who suspects Piper and Phoebe are behind the deaths of Prue and Dr. Griffiths? Summary: After the sisters vanquish Shax, The Source of All Evil decides to turn Paige evil instead of killing her. As a result, the Source possesses her boyfriend to see if he can lure her to the dark side. Upon learning of the Source's plan, Piper and Phoebe do their best to track Paige down and convince her to fulfill her destiny to become a Charmed One. As this is occurring, Paige is discovering what her powers can do. Inspector Cortez suspects Piper and Phoebe are behind the deaths of Prue and Dr. Griffiths.
Fade in on a shot of the cube from above. The camera pulls out as a pair of black tongs snap secure around the vial inside and pluck it out. Marshall's corner is cluttered with a team of people, two in white jackets that identity them as lab scientists, the rest in suits. One white-jacketed man is taking photographs while a suited man looks on. The camera pans on to see various other activities of investigation transpire in slow motion. The camera secures on a short haired woman, who closes the cube back up and crosses the room, snuggling the artifact inside a small black case. Cut to Marshall. He's sitting at his desk, bored, building a pyramid out of playing cards. He balances one on top as he continues to build. Sydney: (voice over) Marshall, have you analyzed the cube? Marshall looks up as Sydney approaches with a look that shows he's less than thrilled with this recent development. Marshall: I wish. (beat) The jerks are here. Sydney: What? Marshall: Pretentious classified division of intelligence. You know the type, conspiracy theorist's wet dream. Sydney: I don't understand. Marshall: Oh but that's the point. Who they are exactly is on a need to know basis. Suffice to say their jurisdiction on this supersedes ours so well they have a convoy here. (lowers voice to a whisper) They're taking the cube away. Cut to Sydney. She's not too happy with this, either. Sydney: Wait, wait, taking it where? Marshall: If I knew, I'd go there. You know, I should probably put a tracer on the cube and track it back to their lab. Imagine how cool that place would be. Cut to Sydney. She wants answers, and she wants them now. Eyeing the departing convoy, she turns away to leave. Marshall: (waving) I'm just kidding, you know. Cut to hallway. The convoy from the DSR is walking down the hall, all business. Sydney comes in from a side and falls in step with the apparent leader of the group. Sydney: Excuse me, I'm Sydney Bristow, I'm the one who recovered that cube. May I ask what you're doing? Leader: We've been sent to retrieve the artifact for analysis. Sydney: Sent by whom? We follow the group through the hallway into an open area. Leader: The Department for Special Research. Sydney: You're DSR. Leader: We're a division, yes. Sydney: May I ask where you're taking it? The leader of the group brushes past Sydney, obviously finished with this conversation. Leader: No, you may not. He leaves Sydney in his tracks looking a bit angry and annoyed at his lack of cooperation. Sydney: (voice over) This is unacceptable. Cut to Sydney and Jack in an empty office, talking. Sydney's upset, angry at what's happened, her father's council something she needed after being blindsided by the DSR team. We move up close on her as she speaks. Sydney: Every time we get close to my missing two years, the door gets slammed in my face. Cut to Jack as Sydney leans up against the desk. Jack: I know. We switch back to Sydney. Sydney: Lazary knew what happened to me. He led me to that cube. And before we just handed it off, I at least wanted Marshall to finish his review. He could have found some clues. Cut to Jack. Jack: Sydney, listen to me. We've broken at least a dozen federal laws in pursuit of what happened to you. If necessary, we'll break a dozen more. But for now, there's nothing we can do. Sydney: We can bring Dixon into the loop She's reaching, and they both know it. Jack: This wasn't his call. The order to remove the cube came from Langley. Sydney: There has to be something we can do. Jack: We need to revaluate every piece of information we've collected. Start from the beginning. Assume nothing. Do that, and we may find a lead. Cut to nighttime aerial shot of LA. A siren sounds in the background. Cut to Sydney's bedroom. She's sitting on her bed, files splayed out in front of her as she goes over what information they have. She pauses, picks up a file, and hears a crash somewhere in the house. A dog barks. She gets up, reaches into her drawer, and grabs a gun. With it held up in front of her, she walks around the house, investigating, looking in every corner. A shadow moves across the wall. She checks the backyard and comes back inside. Suddenly, she's hit with a tranquilizer dart and goes down. As she falls, we see the yellow dart in her back, then a masked man in black still holding his tranquilizer gun, standing just inside the front door to her home. The sound of a jet flying fades in as we cut to a shot of a jet taking off. Cut to a shot of Sydney sleeping. Her eyelids flutter as she starts to awaken. Swiftly alert, she gingerly sits up and runs a hand over her hair, smoothing it down. Looking around the jet, trying to figure out where she is, her eyes widen as they take in Kendall sitting in a seat across the plane, obviously having been waiting for her to wake up. She takes in a breath. Kendall: Good to see you. Cut back to Sydney. She's surprised. Sydney: Kendall. She slowly stands. Cut back to Kendall. Kendall: I'm sorry we had to do it this way. Back to Sydney, who's trying to work through everything in her head. Sydney: You're part of this? Kendall: Well, that all depends on which part you're referring to. Sydney: You're Covenant. Kendall: No, no no, that wouldn't go over too well at home. Quick cut to Sydney, who doesn't appear to be buying any of this. Kendall: I'm with Special Research. (beat) I had a team transporting the Rambaldi cube to our facility, and they were ambushed in transit. He's upset, but not showing that much. Sydney nods, slightly. Sydney: The Covenant got the cube. She sits, dejected as the both of them reflect on this. She thinks a moment longer, then: Sydney: What does any of this have to do with me? Kendall gets up from his seat and crosses the distance between them, taking a seat near her. Kendall: (as he moves) It has everything to do with you. (beat, he sits) We need to talk about the past two years. Sydney's surprised he's asking her about it, and cocks her head to the side. Sydney: (harshly) As you may be aware, Mr. Kendall, I have no recollection of that time. Kendall: But I do. There's a long moment as his words sink in, and she lets him continue. Kendall: I know what happened to you Sydney. I know the whole story. (beat, offhand) Or most of it. Sydney: (accusatory) You've known all this time Kendall: (interjecting, a whisper) Yep. Sydney: Then why haven't you said anything? He knows what he's going to say, but waits a moment as if purposely trying to drive her mad. Kendall: Because you asked me not to. It's a bombshell to Sydney, and we move off her shocked expression as we Cut to opening End Teaser Here's the next act! ACT ONE We fade in on the plane in the sky. Cut to a palm scanner. Kendall: (VO) Put your hand on the scanner. Cut to Sydney's hand being placed on a palm scanner. She speaks as it scans her hand. Sydney: I need clearance to hear about my own life? Pull back to face Sydney from Kendall's POV. He rattles off the next line dryly, trying to get it out of the way so he can start talking. Kendall: You understand the information you're about to hear is top secret, and any unauthorized disclosure is a violation of section 23, paragraph 5 of the patriot act? Sydney: Yes. Kendall: Before we get started, I'm curious about how you found the cube. What led you to it? Sydney shakes her head and speaks lightly. Sydney: You've got to be kidding me. (beat) Start at the beginning and do it all, I'm all out of patience. Cut to Kendall. He sighs. During his next line, we switch from Kendall to Sydney several times as the weight of his words hit their emotions. Kendall: You died. (long pause) Or at least we believed you did. We found a body in your apartment. The existing DNA matched your own. And I went to your memorial service myself. Watched Vaughn spread your ashes in the sea. Nine months went by. One day, I got a phone call. Flashback. Kendall walking slow-mo in the JTF answering the phone. Kendall: (VO) It was your voice. Cut to exterior shot of Rome. Kendall: (VO) You were calling from Rome. Cut to Sydney, with long bleached blond hair speaking into a pay phone. Kendall: (VO) You said you had just escaped from the Covenant and you wanted to come in. Alternating shots of Sydney speaking animatedly into the phone, then Kendall in the JTF listening to what she's telling him. We then cut back to the plane and come in on Kendall's face. Kendall: We met in a safe house in Tuscany. Flashback. Cut to Sydney in the safe house. She's shooting questions at Kendall. Sydney: Does my father know I'm alive? Does Vaughn? Kendall: You father and Mr. Vaughn will be informed at the earliest possible opportunity. Sydney is pacing back and forth on the offensive while Kendall, surprised and equally offensive stands across from her. We watch her as she shoots more inquires at him. Sydney: So they don't know. What about Will? Did he make it? Kendall: What you've been through may have national security implications. Sydney stops her pacing, her hand coming down from her face as she looks at him like he just sprouted an extra head. Sydney: I need to talk to them. I need you to get them on the phone She's coming at him now, and they speak over each other in the next few lines. Kendall: All your questions will be answered Sydney: (yelling) Right now! Kendall: - in time, first, we need to know what happened to you! She's sobered at bit as we cut back to the present and the plane, watching the pair from across the cabin. Kendall: You looked different. It was an alias of yours I hadn't seen before. I I had a lot of questions, too. We didn't know much about the Covenant at the time. Cut closer, to Kendall. Kendall: So, you took me back to the beginning. You told me the first thing you remembered after your fight with Allison. So this is what happened to you, in your own words Flashback. Fade to black, then swing over to come back to Sydney in the safe house. Their both sitting now, and she looks away as she starts to recount what happened to her. Sydney: I shot her Flashback to season finale and Sydney shooting Allison/Francie, then falling against the wall. Sydney: (VO) three times. Then I passed out. Dead to the world. Cut to Sydney in the safe house. Sydney: When I woke up, it was days later, and I was in the back of a van, strapped down. Cut to Sydney, still in her outfit from the Telling. We start at her feet and pan up to her face, where her eyes are closed and a strip of duct tape is secured over her mouth. She comes too, breath rushing from her nose as she starts to move. Cut up to the doctor from Succession (referred to as Oleg from hereon out). She wakes up and sees him, shocked, confused. Oleg: You and I are going to work together. You and I are going to spend lots of time together. But we will get the results that my employers have requested. I always do. During this, he runs his hand over her head, trying to be reassuring. When he finishes, she straightens, looking up at the ceiling of the van. He sticks a needle into her arm. Sydney: (VO) He injected me with a neurotoxin. Temporary paralysis. I couldn't move or speak. Cut to safe house and Sydney. Sydney: All I could do was watch. She's upset about this, and we cut back to her in the van as the doctor pushes her gurney upright so she can look out the back windows. It snaps into place. Oleg: Your roommate was easy. We unearthed her. We left her in your apartment before we burned it. Cut to a view of a cold, overcast beach. Figures in black are gathered near the edge of the water. Oleg: (VO) But you -- that was more difficult. When a body is burned badly enough, the DNA they test for is in the teeth. Cut to a side view of Jack and Dixon, the van Sydney and the doctor are in is seen past them. Both look saddened yet cold. Oleg: (VO) We extracted pulp from your teeth. Cut to a full view. It's Jack, Dixon, Kendall, Marshall, Weiss, and Vaughn on the beach, a minister in front of them. Marshall is crying, and Vaughn holds an urn at his side. Oleg: (VO) And we injected it into the teeth of the corpse that was to be your replacement. Cut to Jack, Dixon, then Vaughn. Cut to Vaughn standing at the edge of the water tossing the ashes into the sea. We then cut to Jack, who's actually showing a degree of sorrow. Oleg: (VO) Of course, they tested the body they found. To them, it was you. Weiss and Vaughn are walking back up the beach, followed by the others. We cut to Sydney watching them, and he turns her head to look at Vaughn. He goes to unlock his car door, then pauses and turns around, hugging Weiss who was standing behind him, eyes closed in apparent agony. Oleg: (VO) He will mourn and move on. Cut to tinted van windows over their shoulders, then Sydney watching them. Then them from the van. Oleg: (VO) Find someone else, perhaps. Cut to van interior. The doctor puts a hand on Sydney's chin and turns her face away from Vaughn and Weiss outside to face himself. Oleg: The sooner you accept that you are no longer who you were, the easier this will be. (whisper) Sydney Bristow is gone. We close up on her face as tears stream from her eyes. Cut back to the present; Sydney in the plane. She's taking this all in. Sydney: I don't remember any of this. Kendall: I'll get to that. (beat) From your funeral, you were taken to a Covenant facility in St. Petersburg. As he's talking, Kendall pulls out a black folder and opens it on the table. Sydney sits across from him, arms crossed on top of the table. Inside is a picture of the doctor. Kendall: This was the man who took you there. The man from the van. Oleg Matrijik. Sydney: (re: the picture) I killed this man. Flashback. Sydney, from Sucession. She shoots Oleg twice in the chest and he falls. Cut back to the plane. Sydney: It was only a week after I woke up in Hong Kong. He had all the answers. (beat) He died right in front of me. Flashback. Oleg is on the ground. Oleg: You kept your promise. That you would kill me. (pause) You were my favorite. Sydney rushes up to him, hands on the lapels of his lab coat, and she's pulling on them as she frantically asks questions. Sydney: Who the hell are you? What are you talking about? Why did the Covenant take two years of my life? He's dead. Cut to the plane. Sydney: What did he do to me? Kendall: The Covenant believed you were crucial to their operation. They needed your cooperation which you wouldn't offer. So Oleg began a brainwash protocol. Cut to dark room. It's really dark but we slowly move up what looks like a leg, then up to Sydney's head. Kendall: (VO) He spent months breaking you down. A little window opens, bright light waking her up. She flinches, and we turn to see Oleg looking through the small window down at her. Kendall: (VO) He used sensory deprivation. The window closes. Cut to Sydney in a chair with spider-like electrode attached to her head. We pull out to see a hand on a switch. Kendall: (VO) Electroshock. The hand flips the switch and she starts to shudder. Cut to Sydney strapped to a chair, head bowed and chin almost hitting her chest. There's an IV to her left. Kendall: (VO) He would put to you to sleep by running an IV in one arm with a barbiturate into one arm. And shock you awake with an amphetamine into the other arm She's suddenly awake and pulls against the restraints, shouting. Sydney: I will kill you, you son of a b***! I promise you! Cut to Oleg, watching her with a content look on his face. Cut back to the plane. Kendall: (VO) Once Oleg believed you'd been broken, he began a conditioning process. (beat) He stated with hypnosis. Cut to Oleg standing in front of Sydney. Oleg: Your name is Julia Thorne. You were born in London on August 2, 1973. We spin around from him to face Sydney. Sydney: (deadpan) My name is Sydney Bristow, you ugly bstrd. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Sydney's arm. Oleg is injecting something into it. Kendall: (VO) He disoriented you with narcotics. Oleg: Your name is Julia Thorne. We turn around to see her. She's just as defiant as before. Sydney: Really? Then why is my name Sydney Bristow? She turns and spit into Oleg's face. We cut to her lying on the floor. Kendall: (VO) He withheld food for weeks at a time. She flinches when light hits her face. Cut to the shelf under the window in the door. Oleg pushes a plate of warm meat and mashed potatoes complete with gravy into it. Sydney gets up and scurries on her hands and knees to grab it, but Oleg pulls it back just as she's about to reach it and shoves a bowl of what looks like grub or old stew to her. She grabs the bowl as the window slides shut and examines it before eating the food quickly with her hands. She starts to cry. Cut to Sydney sitting in a chair, light from images flashed before her reflecting on her face. Kendall: (VO) He bombarded you with images, information - classic techniques; tried and true. We turn to see the images out of focus, then pull back as Oleg walks in front of it, speaking. Oleg: Julia, your father's name was Kenneth Thorne. Julia is who you are Cut to another session, where he's speaking again. The words he's saying are flowing over each other in a montage. The images are several things: a girl at her birthday party, a family laughing, all flashing in front of her as the sessions blend into each other. Oleg: Your brothers, Daniel and Tom. (beat) The Latin school (beat) Your were the only survivor (beat) Confirmation at the Old Souls Church We round to Sydney, the images still flashing on her face, eyes wide open as she appears to be in a trance. Oleg: You lost your family in a fire (beat) You were the only survivor (beat) After that, you became a contract killer (beat) You showed no pity. You first targets were the men who destroyed your family Close up on Sydney's face as Oleg continues to speak. Oleg: You became a contract killer You showed no pity You first targets were the men who destroyed your family Julia will eat well live well She's wearing headphones now, which is where his voice is coming from. We've been tightening in on her left eye, and by the time the next line is delivered, we can see her pupils. Oleg: Julia is who you are. With the echo of Oleg's voice fading, we cut to the plane. Kendall: This went on over six months. It was about that time that Oleg felt he had a breakthrough; that his therapy was starting to work. We cut to Sydney sitting behind a table. She's cleaned up, hair pulled back into a pony tail, and she's wearing a clean grey sweater. She's writing in a notebook. Oleg: (off-screen) Julia. She looks up and closes the book, shoving it to the side. All her actions are done with measured, precise movements. Oleg appears on screen, carrying a tray. Sydney: Yes? Oleg: Lunch. He places the tray down in front of her and lifts the cover off to reveal a full, nice meal. Off her bemused expression, we cut back to the present day in the plane. Kendall: Once Oleg believed that you were ready, they gave you a test. We cut from the plane to a table with several ash trays, a hand flicking the ashes off the end of a cigarette into one. Kendall: (VO) To prove to them that you were a believer. That you were, in fact, another woman. We move up from the table to Oleg, who stands before the panel of unseen men. Oleg: May I present to you Julia Thorne. Sydney enters from a side door, now with the blond hair we saw her with in the first flashback to the safe house in Tuscany, wearing a tight yet fashionable grey suit. She slides up to stand at Oleg's side. Cole (quentin tarantino) : Welcome, Miss Thorne. The work you'll be doing for us requires a certain commitment. A man in wheeled in the room, dressed in denim. He's in a wheelchair, tied down with duct tape over his mouth. He speaks, but his words are muffled. Sydney: (coldly, as Julia) Of course. Cole (quentin tarantino): Who this man is, is not important. What is important is the knife on the table. Use it. Kill this unimportant man. Sydney swoops in and plucks the knife from the table, then turns to the man in the wheelchair. Man in Wheelchair: (as she's walking) No. NO! No no. Please! Listen! No! Please don't! She plunges the knife into his chest, his cries as voice over as we switch to the unknown men. Cut to Oleg, then to Sydney, who twists the knife and pulls it out with no reaction. She turns to the table of men, finished, awaiting their response. We fade off her face as we Sydney : Who was he? Kendall : I don't know. Sydney :So I was programmed? Kendall : Not by the Covenant. Sydney :Wait, Kendall, I don't understand. I murdered that man. What do you mean I wasn't programmed by the Covenant. Kendall : When you were young, your father subjected you to the CIA's experimental program to train and prepare children for intelligence work. Sydney :Project Christmas. Kendall : Among other things, that program contained a fail-safe to prevent its subjects from being turned. Jack hard-wired you to stand up to some pretty intense efforts at brainwashing. Sydney :I traded his life for mine. Kendall : That man. Whoever he was, he was taken, brought into a Covenant facility. He was dead no matter what you did, and you must have known that. Sydney :That doesn't lessen what I did. Kendall : But if you hadn't gone through with it, convinced them you'd been programmed, you would have both been killed. You could never have contacted me. Here, Sydney is talking to Kendall after her escape (9 months after the Freplica fight). Sydney : I want to go home. I want to see my dad. Kendall : Your father can't be contacted. He's under deep cover. And as it is, you have no home to return to. Agent Bristow, let me be clear. You return home, you're putting in jeopardy the lives of the people you claim to love. Sydney : You're just trying to scare me. Kendall : Look at Your friend Will. The Covenant left the son of a b*** for dead. Listen to me. If what little intel we have on the Covenant is anywhere near accurate, they have the potential to be far more deadly than the Alliance ever was. Which is why it is imperative that you continue as Julia Thorne. The Covenant believes they have you programmed. Sydney : If you think I'm going back to them, you're insane. Kendall : If you don't, they're going to come after you, after your friends, your family, after Vaughn. Sydney : I have to see him. Kendall : Sydney, you've been gone nine months. [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney : He loves me. Nine months is nothing. Kendall : So I let you go, and you went home. Sydney sees Vaughn and Lauren together. Kendall : As hard as it was to see them together, you couldn't confront Vaughn. You realized your presence was a danger to him, so you did the only thing you could. Syd sees a lincoln surveilling Vaughn and Lauren as they go inside. The passenger looks like the bartender in 2x15 - A Free Agent. The Lincoln's license plate is 4XDU238 (CA). phone conversation: Kendall : This is Kendall. Sydney : I'll do whatever you want. Kendall : That's how we started working together. Sydney : So I became Julia. Kendall : Yes, you did. In what could be an advertisement if there were a clothing label visible, Syd's walking somewhere in a tan leather coat, turning heads. Then she's sipping latte in the same tan leather coat (this shot is reversed... the coat is obviously reversed, and Syd is sipping something left-handed, but in reality she's right-handed. She's also wearing her watch on her right hand.) All to the tune of No Doubt's cover of "It's My Life". Kendall : They sent you to Algeria, where you met this man. Sydney : Simon Walker. Kendall : He was a thief. You were introduced as a contract killer. The two of you started working together for the Covenant. The mission was simple. They wanted you to find the cube. During your time with Simon, you pursued a variety of leads, all the while keeping me informed by passing on the intel to one of our operatives. You informed me that Simon had found Andrian Lazarey, a Russian diplomat, member of the Romanov family. Who, like Sloane, was devoted to studying Rambaldi. You believed that Lazarey would know where to find the cube. It was a crucial acquisition because it contained the DNA of Rambaldi himself. You told me that the Covenant wanted you to get the information from him, and then kill him. It turns out you saved his life. You went to Lazarey the night before you were supposed to kill him. He's a reasonable man. The two of you struck a deal. Lazarey: (Russian w/ subtitles) How did you get into my house? Sydney : I'll make this as simple as possible, Mr. Lazarey. Unless you do exactly as I say, by this time tomorrow you will be dead. Sydney : So that's why I faked Lazarey's death. So the videotape... Kendall : We presumed there'd be surveillance cameras. The murder had to look real. Paramedics were CIA operatives working under my orders. The Kremlin carried out a thorough investigation, and they believed, as did the Covenant, that Andrian Lazarey was assassinated. Sydney : Assuming everything you're telling me is true, Mr. Kendall, what am I doing here? Why are you telling me all of this now, and where are we going? Kendall : We're going to my facility in Nevada, Project Blackhole. Four years ago when I was called in to question you, I was never FBI. I was Special Research, overseeing the project. Sydney : I've never heard of Project Blackhole. Kendall : Thank you. This is everything the government has collected on or about Milo Rambaldi since the 1940's. A quarter of the artifacts we have were collected by you. You're actually something of a celebrity in-house. Which is also why the Covenant needed you. They believe Rambaldi's prophecies. They believe a lot of things, including the idea that you are... the Chosen One. Sydney : My mother said that. The night I disappeared (This is a brief flashback to episode 2x22, The Telling.) Sydney :: Get off the ledge! Irina : I'll tell you what you need to know. Sydney : Get off the ledge right now. Irina : It's you in the prophecy, Sydney, not me. Kendall : Four months ago you asked me not to tell you any of this. I honored that request as long as possible. Trust me, when I finish the story you will understand. The Covenant had you; if they could get the cube, they'd have everything they needed to fulfill Rambaldi's prophecy. You continued to feed the Covenant false leads. In truth, you and Lazarey were working for the CIA trying to find that cube. And it took you nine months, but you found it. Sydney : Where was it? Kendall : Nothing's ever easy, is it? It was in the Fish River Gorge in Namibia. For five hundred years, the key to Rambaldi's prophecy lay buried in the depths of this cave. To Rambaldi's followers, this was the holy grail. A mile long trek brought you to an elaborate vault that housed the cube. Lazarey had devoted thirty years of his life to acquiring the twelve keys to the vault, the last of which he found only two weeks before your journey. Each one had a name on it that corresponded to a keyhole in the wall. Lazarey : This lock won't stay open. I need to hold the key in place. Kendall : Lazarey was trapped, and the cave began to collapse around you. Sydney : Here, bite down on this. Kendall : There was only one way you could both get out alive. So you got the cube, and you got Lazarey out alive. Sydney : Come on, you've got to run. Let's go. Kendall : Our agreement with Lazarey was that after he helped track down the cube, we would let him disappear, untraced. After you let him go, you were supposed to deliver me the cube. Sydney : But I didn't show up. Kendall : No, you didn't. Instead, I got this. You want to know what happened to your memory? You might want to sit down for this. [SCENE_BREAK] Syadeny : (tape) Kendall. I'm sorry. I know you're expecting the cube with the DNA, and instead you get this. (tape) You've been great to me. You've been a real friend, and I'm grateful for that. But I can't go along with it, the plan we had. (tape) You know what this is about, and I'm hoping you can understand. What am I talking about? (tape) So I'm taking care of it myself, the DNA. I mean, even if it's with the CIA, it'll never be safe, not really. I've seen too much. Everything gets stolen. Everything. So I've got a plan. I've found someone, someone who can help me, a man who has done advanced research on how the brain stores short and long-term memory. I'm not going to tell you the specifics of what I'm doing with the DNA. In fact, I don't want to know them myself. Which is why I'm going to try and have my memories erased, to keep the Covenant from ever doing what they want with Rambaldi's DNA, I'm going to have everything that's happened in the past two years removed. (tape) If this doesn't work, I mean if this kills me, better I did it than the Covenant. But if this works, if I come back and I don't remember, do me a favor. Don't ever tell me about what I've been through. Why are you doing this, telling me all this. Kendall : In his prophecy, Rambaldi spoke of a second coming. Sydney : Those freaks want to clone him, don't they. No. What the Covenant believes is that Rambaldi's work was destined to continue beyond his time. That he was due a second coming by way of a child. (quoting) This woman here depicted will possess unseen marks, signs that she will be the one to bring forth my works... she will render the greatest power unto utter desolation. Kendall : The fanatical point of view believes that Rambaldi's DNA can be transformed, used to fertilize the egg of a surrogate mother, someone referred to in his prophecy as the Chosen One. Sydney : That's why they cut me open. Kendall : Yes. Sydney : So they could extract my eggs. Kendall : And that's why you went to such extraordinary lengths, because his child would also be yours. Sydney, that's why I came to you, not because of protocol. There was no official order. Sydney, a couple years ago I got to know you a little bit and what I believed was that despite your protests you would want to know about this. The Covenant has it all now. I got this video two days before you turned up in Hong Kong. And despite my being pissed off, I respected your choice, I opted to let it go, but here we are four months later. And you went straight for the cube. Why, when you nearly killed yourself trying to find it? Sydney : Three weeks ago Arvin Sloane gave me a package that I had sent to him in the mail. It was addressed in my handwriting. Inside was a key and an address to an apartment in Rome that I had rented as Julia Thorne. I found a code there, coordinates that led me to a box buried in the sand. It was a hand, it was Lazarey's hand. Which led me to Lazarey, to the cube. When the Covenant learned I'd hidden the cube, they didn't give up. They kept looking. Eventually they found it, they found the cave, Lazarey's hand. They forged my handwriting. They planted the code. They wanted me to find the hand in the desert. They planted it there. They wanted me to ask these questions to smoke out Lazarey. They tricked me into leading them back to the cube. Kendall : And why didn't you destroy it? Sydney : I don't know. Why did I just leave it at the hotel? Maybe there was another step. Maybe there was someone else involved. Kendall : When we get back to the base, I want you to look at all the artifacts, see if anything jogs your memory. Sydney : I need a phone. I need a phone right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall : This is Marshall. Sydney : Marshall, I need you to listen to me very carefully. You said that the jerks were taking it away, that you wanted to see their lab, that you wanted to put a tracer on it and track it to their lab because you can imagine how cool it must be. Sydney : Marshall, I need you to tell me the truth. Did you put a tracer on that cube? Marshall, please. If you did, and if you're afraid that you're going to get disciplined, I swear to God you're going to be okay. Marshall : I didn't, Syd, I'm sorry. I didn't put a tracer on it. Sydney : I know you. No one is more curious about technology than you. I need to find that cube. Marshall : Listen, I didn't put a tracer on it. I swear to you, I didn't, okay? Sydney : Okay. Marshall : Okay, I put a tracer on it, but you cannot tell anyone because if they find out, they will fire me from this job. And I cannot be fired because I'm about to have a baby soon. Sydney : Marshall, I love you. I love you too. Syd. Serious, you can't tell anyone, okay? Please? Sydney : Can you locate the cube? Marshall : No, not exactly. But I can narrow it down to a ten yard radius. Sydney : Marshall, that's called locating it. Where is it? Covenant scientists and Sark are messing with the DNA and Sydney's eggs. Briefing at the Rotunda... Kendall : Here's the big picture. At 2100 hours, you'll be dropped from ten thousand feet over Patagonia. You'll hit the ground a quarter mile from the target building. We have minimal intelligence on this facility, but we believe the fertilization will happen tonight. The chopper will be here in two minutes to take us to the airport. We'll review the operation en route. (phone) This is Kendall. Where is he? Vaughn and Sydney glance at each other, Vaughn looks away. Weiss : What's going on with you two? Vaughn : Nothing. Come on, we've go to prep. Just afterwards, still in the Rotunda... Sydney : Dixon. What are you doing? Dixon : The day you showed up in Rome, when you called in, they put you through to Kendall. I was there that day, in the office. When he hung up, he told me that it was you. Syd, I've known the truth about what was happened to you and I was ordered to say nothing. Sydney : Dixon, we've been working together for months. Dixon : It's not easy, is it? Keeping the truth from someone you love. Now I have an idea of what it was like for you at SD-6. Sydney : You're coming with us. Dixon : Of course I am. It's personal for me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] Patagonia. GOON: Let's do it. They parachute out of the plane. At the facility, they shoot an exterior guard. Dixon tosses a flash-bang. There's a lot of fighting. Notable weapons: various people with AR-15s various people with MP5s Sark is shooting John Woo style with either a USP or P99 and something else, maybe a stainless Beretta. [SCENE_BREAK] The fighting's over. Dixon : Kendall wants all this brought back for analysis. Do your thing. Sydney torches the setup with a flamethrower she brought along. A few other operatives are carrying Andrian Lazarey [SCENE_BREAK] Sark is in a car. Sark : (on phone) They have my father. Take care of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney and Lazarey are in an ambulance. Sydney : Mr. Lazarey, you're going to be okay. Lazarey: You know about the passenger? Sydney : Excuse me? Lazarey: The passenger. Sydney : We'll have time to talk at the hospital. Lazarey is taken out of the ambulance and rolled towards the hospital. Someone shoots Lazarey three times. Sydney : Dixon, it's me. I'm at the Naval Hospital. There's a sniper. Lazarey's been shot; he's dead. Get me a team out here now. [SCENE_BREAK] A gloved figure partially disassembles a rifle. It's revealed to be Lauren. She calls someone on a cell phone. Lauren: The matter's taken care of. Yes sir, I will.	Plan: A: Rambaldi's prophecy; Q: What prophecy was repeated during the recap? A: unseen marks; Q: What does Rambaldi say Sydney will possess? A: vulgar cost; Q: What cost did Rambaldi say Sydney would have to pay to fulfill his prophecy? A: utter desolation; Q: What does Rambaldi's prophecy say Sydney will render the greatest power to? A: the Department for Special Research; Q: Who took the Rambaldi Cube? A: The Covenant; Q: Who hijacked the Rambaldi Cube? A: Kendall; Q: Who was the FBI Assistant Director who kidnapped Sydney? A: Sydney's missing years; Q: What time period did Sydney's kidnapper know about? A: Nine months later; Q: When did Sydney call Kendall to tell him about her escape? A: a van; Q: Where did Sydney wake up after being held captive by Oleg? A: her mouth; Q: What part of Sydney was taped? A: Sydney's memorial service; Q: What did Sydney and Oleg watch together? A: Francie's body; Q: What was Alison Doren replaced with? A: her replacement corpse; Q: What was Sydney's death faked by injecting pulp from her teeth into? A: Hong Kong; Q: Where did Sydney kill Oleg? A: a week; Q: How long after waking up did Sydney recognize Oleg as the man she killed in Hong Kong? A: a Covenant facility; Q: Where was Sydney taken to? A: six months; Q: How long was Sydney brainwashed? A: loyalty; Q: What was Sydney being tested for? A: Project Christmas; Q: What program did Sydney participate in as a child? A: CIA; Q: What organization was Project Christmas a part of? A: intelligence work; Q: What was Project Christmas supposed to prepare children for? A: a failsafe; Q: What did Project Christmas contain to prevent subjects from being turned? A: brainwashing; Q: What did Sydney survive in the Covenant facility? A: Julia Thorne; Q: What was Sydney's identity when she was kidnapped? A: her activities; Q: What did Sydney keep Kendall informed of? A: the Rambaldi cube; Q: What did The Covenant want Sydney to obtain information about? A: Rambaldi artifacts; Q: What did Kendall collect? A: The Chosen One; Q: What is the name of the surrogate mother that Rambaldi prophesied would be? A: Namibia; Q: Where was the Rambaldi Cube found? A: 12 keys; Q: How many keys did Lazarey use to open the Rambaldi Cube? A: over 30 years; Q: How long did Lazarey collect the keys to the cave? A: Lazarey's hand; Q: What did Sydney have to amputate to get the Rambaldi Cube? A: a DVD; Q: What did Sydney give Kendall? A: the past two years; Q: What did Sydney tell Kendall she wanted erased from her memory? A: the egg; Q: What is the DNA of Rambaldi supposed to fertilize? A: a scar; Q: What did Sydney see on her abdomen that she realized was a sign that her eggs had been stolen? A: A mission; Q: What was mounted to retrieve the Cube? A: Marshall; Q: Who tracked the Rambaldi Cube? A: Dixon; Q: Who accompanied Sydney on her mission to retrieve the Rambaldi Cube? A: Sydney's disappearance; Q: What did Dixon know about? A: opposition; Q: What did Sydney overcome when she returned to the Covenant facility? A: Kendall's orders; Q: What did Sydney do against? A: Sark; Q: Who escaped from Lazarey? A: a message; Q: What did Sark transmit to someone to take care of his father? A: The Passenger; Q: What is the name of the book that Lazarey asks Sydney about? A: a sniper; Q: Who killed Lazarey? A: Vaughn's wife; Q: Who is Lauren? Summary: During the recap, Rambaldi's prophecy is repeated: "This woman here depicted will possess unseen marks, signs that she will be the one to bring forth my works. At vulgar cost this woman will render the greatest power unto utter desolation." The Rambaldi Cube is taken by the Department for Special Research but is hijacked by The Covenant. Sydney is kidnapped by FBI Assistant Director Kendall, who admits that he knows what happened during Sydney's missing years but had not revealed this information because Sydney had requested him not to do so. Kendall explains that Sydney was believed to have died and they had found remains of a body matching her DNA. Nine months later, Kendall had received a call from Sydney who had just escaped from The Covenant and wanted to return. Sydney met with Kendall and told her story. After shooting Alison Doren, Sydney had awoken in a van, with her mouth taped and held captive by a man named Oleg. Together they watched Sydney's memorial service. Oleg explained that Alison Doren had been replaced with Francie's body and that Sydney's death had been faked by extracting pulp from her teeth and injecting it into her replacement corpse before burning it. Sydney recognizes Oleg as the man she killed in Hong Kong a week after waking up. Kendall explains that Sydney was taken to a Covenant facility, spent six months being brainwashed and murdered a man as a test of loyalty. However, Kendall explains that, as a child, Sydney had been a part of Project Christmas, a CIA program to train and prepare children for intelligence work. The program contains a failsafe to prevent subjects from being turned. This gave her the ability to withstand brainwashing. Sydney had wanted to escape The Covenant, but Kendall had persuaded her to return, lest her friends and family be at risk. Sydney resumed the role of Julia Thorne, keeping Kendall informed of her activities. The Covenant had wanted Sydney to obtain information about the Rambaldi cube from Lazarey and then kill him. Instead, Sydney helped fake Lazarey's death. Kendall explains that he has always been working for Special Research, collecting Rambaldi artifacts and that Sydney is still believed to be The Chosen One. The Covenant had wanted both Sydney and the Cube to fulfill Rambaldi's prophecy. Sydney tracked down the Cube to a cave in Namibia, where Lazarey used 12 keys he had collected over 30 years. However, Sydney had to amputate Lazarey's hand, which had become trapped. Kendall had then received a DVD where Sydney explains that she is going to have her memory of the past two years erased so that the location of Rambaldi's DNA can be kept a secret. She also asked Kendall to keep this information secret from herself if she returns. Kendall explains that followers of Rambaldi's prophecy believe that Rambaldi's DNA can be used to fertilize the egg of a surrogate mother, who is referenced in his prophecy as The Chosen One. Sydney then looks down at a scar on her abdomen and realizes that her eggs had been stolen and that Rambaldi's child would also be her own. A mission is mounted to retrieve the Cube, which Marshall had secretly tracked. Dixon accompanies them, revealing that he had also known the truth about Sydney's disappearance. They enter the building, overcome opposition and Sydney, against Kendall's orders, burns the equipment and the test tubes bearing her name. They find Lazarey, but Sark escapes and transmits a message telling someone to take care of his father. Lazarey asks Sydney if she knows about The Passenger but is then killed by a sniper. The sniper is Vaughn's wife, Lauren.
Act One. Scene One - Frasier's Bedroom. It is pitch black at a quarter past six in the morning. The phone rings. Frasier switches the light on revealing he is in bed. He answers the phone. Frasier: Hello? Carlos: [v.o] Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes, who's this? Carlos: Dr. Kaufmann. Bob Kaufmann of the National Psychotherapy Institute. Oh my gosh, it's six-fifteen in the morning your time. I hope I didn't wake you. Frasier: No, no, I was up. [sits up] Er, where did you say you were calling from? Carlos: The National Psychotherapy Institute... CUT TO: KACL We now see that it is not Dr. Kaufmann on the phone. Frasier is actually on the receiving end of a prank call from KACL's new morning team, "Carlos And The Chicken." Throughout this scene we swap between KACL studios and Frasier's bedroom. Carlos: ...in Saddle River, New Jersey. Frasier: Oh yes, of course. What can I do for you? Carlos: Oh, for Pete's sake. No one called you? You won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award. Congratulations. Frasier: [takes it in] Well, thank you. Of course, the work itself is honor enough. Carlos: Thank you! And I'm sorry about the mix-up. The problem is we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get started on the statue. Frasier: Statue? Carlos: For our Hall of Thinkers. [aside] Angie, he never got the packet! Frasier: Is there anything I can do? Carlos: Well, it's a little late now, but maybe if you describe your body we could get started on the preliminary carving. The sculptor's right here. Fortunately we got Herr Gustav Brumhalt. Frasier: Oh, my. The Chicken takes on the German accent of Gustav. Chicken: Dr. Crane, please, ja? Frasier: Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr Brumhalt, may I say, it's quite an honor. Chicken: Ja, Ja, Ja. We have your face, very handsome, but I need you to describe your body. Frasier: Yes, of course. Er, six foot one, medium build, broad shoulders, sublimely proportioned... Chicken: Ja, das ist gut, Ja. But before I order my marble I need to describe your, how do I say this, where you sit? Ja? Frasier: Oh, my posterior, yeah well, that's a little sensitive, isn't it? [laughs] Chicken: Oh, you don't want to tell me, I understand, it's a big one. Angie, order the big marble, please. Frasier: Please put Dr. Kaufmann back on. Chicken: No, I have a better idea. Why don't you send us a picture of your [reverts to normal voice] hindquarters and send it into KACL's new morning team... Chicken/Carlos: Carlos And The Chicken! Carlos laughs into the mike while the Chicken buck-bucks like a chicken. Frasier: [takes it in] Dr. Kaufmann? Angie? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier enters from his room that morning as Daphne does the same. Frasier is fuming, Daphne is trying to contain her laughter. Frasier: Morning! Daphne: [nearly laughing] Good morning, Dr. Crane. Frasier: You won't believe what just happened to me! I was the victim of a radio prank. Daphne: Oh, how terrible! [swallows her laughter] Frasier: Yes, it's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind passes as humor. Daphne ducks into the kitchen, laughing uncontrollably. Frasier: You heard the whole thing, didn't you! Daphne: [comes back with coffee] Ja! I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they can be funny. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Daphne. "Carlos and the Chicken" are the sort of performers who keep popping up on the radio these days. So-called humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references. Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment these days. You know, perhaps it's just a generational thing. Then Martin enters, walking cane in hand, laughing his socks off. Martin: Man, they got you good! The Chicken was on fire! What a great bit! Daphne: Yeah, I think it will be bit of the day. Martin: Yeah! Frasier: [gets up] I'm going back to bed. Martin: Frasier, wait a minute, can you get me a tape of the show? Frasier: What on earth for? Martin: How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?! Frasier stares. Frasier: I'm on the radio everyday! He storms off to his room. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier orders his coffee at the counter and meets Roz at a table. Frasier: Hello Roz, I suppose you heard about my unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning show. Roz: No, what happened? Frasier: Well, the less said about it, the better. Roz: Come on Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it? [laughs] Frasier sits. Frasier: Was everyone in Seattle listening at six in the morning? Roz: Did they do it at six? I heard the replay at eight. Waitress: [bringing Frasier's coffee] I heard it at nine-fifteen. Roz: Congratulations, you were bit of the day! Frasier: Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish. Roz: Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. Come on, Frasier, "Hall of Thinkers"? Frasier: Well, it's not such a bad idea. In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I thought maybe we should... [then] Well, it was early. Meanwhile, Kenny, Carlos and the Chicken enter and sit down at the opposite table. Roz notices them. Roz: Hey, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow! The Chicken's a lot cuter than he is on his billboard. Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head. Frasier: Do you know, I think I might just go over there and introduce myself. Roz: I don't know what you're thinking, but don't. Frasier: I'm just going to go over there and let them know that what they did today was completely unacceptable. Roz: Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can rattle you, they never stop. Just take your lumps and laugh it off. Frasier: I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off, I just want to let them know that I don't appreciate being made the punch line at my own station. I'm going to go over there and tell them from now on, I don't want any part of their shenanigans. Roz: Oh God, please don't say "shenanigans!" Frasier goes over to the table. Frasier: Hello, Kenny. I believe introductions are in order. Kenny: Oh, right, Dr. Frasier Crane, this is the Chicken and Carlos. Carlos: Ah, ah... Kenny: What? Carlos: We're actually called "Carlos and the Chicken." Frasier: Yes well, nice to meet you boys. About this morning... Kenny: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, I don't want to see any feathers flying here. [laughs] Just kidding. Carlos: Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show. Frasier: Really, you're listeners? Carlos: Oh yeah, we're big fans. And you know, the last thing we want to do is step on your toes. Frasier: Well you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy, but perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on your first day. Just keep in mind in the future that this station does have a certain pecking order. [laughs] Carlos: We totally get it, Dr. Crane, it felt wrong when we did it. Chicken: Sure did, sure you're not upset or anything? Frasier: Oh no, no harm, no foul. [laughs] Chicken: It's great meeting you, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Likewise, boys. Hey, call me Frasier, but don't call me at home. Carlos: And Dr. Crane: we're listening! Frasier laughs, and goes back to Roz. Roz: Is it over? I couldn't look. Frasier: For God's sake, Roz, have a little faith in me. After all, I do reason with people for a living. It's all settled. You know, they're good kids, really, quite sensible actually. Roz: Yeah, if you go for beer-belching frat boy types - which I do, was the Chicken wearing a wedding ring? Frasier: You know, I really did overreact this morning. After all, it was kind of cute, I suppose. [laughs] "Hall of Thinkers." Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man who is incapable of laughing at himself. The waitress brings him two cakes. Waitress: These are for you. Frasier: [laughs] Yes, I see, some patron has sent me some sticky buns. [to café] Very funny. Very funny, indeed. Waitress: You ordered those, sir. Frasier: Oh, so I did, thank you. Frasier tucks in. [SCENE_BREAK] TAKE THAT, ALFALFA Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is on the phone to his friend. Frasier is drinking coffee in his dressing gown. Daphne is also hanging around. The doorbell sounds. Martin: No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight? [so Frasier can hear] That's a great son you've got there, Duke. Frasier gives him a look. Daphne opens the door to Niles. Daphne: Good morning, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned. Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear. Frasier: Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath. Martin turns the other way. Martin: [laughs] No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS. Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke. [hangs up] Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house? Frasier: Help yourself to some coffee, Niles. Niles: Thank you. Frasier exits to the bathroom. Daphne: Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans re-seasoned, anyway? Niles: It can be confusing. But this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all." The phone sounds. Martin: Whoever it is, I am not home, I am not here! Niles answers the phone. Niles: Hello. Chicken: [v.o with accent] Is Dr. Crane there? Niles: No, actually he's taking a bath. Chicken: Who's this? Niles: This is his brother, Niles. Chicken: Okay, well this is the building superintendent. CUT TO: KACL. Carlos and the Chicken are on the air, and Chicken is navigating their latest crank call. Chicken: I'm in the bathroom just below his and I think the pipes are getting corroded. Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath? Back to the Apartment. Niles: I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath. Better let me ask him. Niles exits with the phone. Martin: I smell a bit. Daphne: Put the radio on. Martin does. CUT TO: Frasier's Bathroom. Meanwhile, Frasier is enjoying his bath whilst singing "I'm in the Mood for Love." Niles enters. Frasier: I'm in the mood for love... Niles: Frasier- Frasier: Simply because you're near me... Niles: Frasier, what do you put in your bath water? Frasier: You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles. Niles: No, no, no, it's your super. There's something corroding the pipes in the unit below you, he thinks it may be something in your tub. [hands him the phone] Frasier: [to phone] Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault but if you insist, I use... [waits for Niles to exit] ...jasmine, lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla. Chicken: Yeah well, it sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh? Frasier: Yes well, love does enter through the nose. Chicken: Hey you know, the neighbors down here have been complaining about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad tile, I sure would like to check it. I heard you sing into the phone earlier. You think you could, I don't know, do it again? Frasier: All right. Frasier begins singing "I'm in the Mood for Love" again. CUT TO: KACL. Chicken: Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some bleed-through. You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit... [Carlos bounces in his chair] or maybe you know, if you could stomp around that would be great. Frasier: Stomp around? Chicken: Yeah, well look, if it's too much trouble I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around. Frasier: Oh, no, no, please. You just leave Jimmy where he is. I certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the bathtub. Chicken: I really appreciate this. We'll get it all cleared up in a jiffy. Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane. Back to the bathroom: Frasier: Just wait a second and I'll tell you when I'm ready. Frasier gets out of the bath and puts his robe on. Frasier: I'm ready. Here goes. Frasier, whilst singing his song, jumps around the bathroom producing a farce. Frasier: I'm in the mood for love, [stomps his foot] Simply because you're near me, [starts jumping around] Funny but... CUT TO: we see a shot of Roz listening to this in her car. Frasier: [on radio] When you're near meeeeee.... She sinks her head down onto the steering wheel. CUT BACK TO: the bathroom. Frasier: I'm in the mood for love... Chicken: Oh my God! The whole ceiling's falling down. Ow! Frasier: Oh, good Lord! [retreats and sits on edge of tub] Niles runs in, shaking his head. Frasier: Niles, be careful, the whole ceiling's caving in. Chicken: Hey listen, I think we found out what the problem is: it's that humongous ass of yours! Carlos: Listeners, "Carlos and the Chicken" are offering one thousand dollars for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our website. Then they start playing a theme song that goes "Frasier Crane's humongous ass contest." Niles looks on to an appalled and despairing Frasier. Frasier: [hangs up] Oh, dear God! Niles: Now, now, it won't get you down for long. You've always had a thick skin. [starts to giggle] Unless that Tahitian Vanilla softened you up a bit... Frasier: GET OUT! Niles runs out. End of Act One. [SCENE_BREAK] Act Two. THE UMBRELLA POLICY Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. It is another morning in the Crane household. Martin is sat in his chair, wearing his dressing gown and reading his paper. Frasier bursts in with a sweater tied around his waist to cover his backside. As he enters, we can see camera flashes outside. Frasier is carrying a medicine bottle. Frasier: [enters] Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect. Martin: Was that Mrs. Kurdsmen? Frasier: She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade. Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film! [puts the pills on the cabinet] Martin: You're really getting riled up. Frasier: I certainly am. Martin: Come on, they're just pranks. Back in the force, we used to do stuff like this all the time. We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor. Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk and leave him in a drawer in the morgue! [laughs] The doorbell sounds. Frasier crosses to the door. Frasier: You know, Dad, I might have been able to laugh it off if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras! Frasier looks through the spy-hole in the door. He then quickly opens the door and pulls a surprised Niles inside. Frasier: Quickly Niles, inside, come on! [slams the door] Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting? Frasier: That was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt! Niles: How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia. [gives Frasier a look] Frasier: I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken. Niles: Oh, yes, their little contest. I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously. Frasier: Oh, well, they won't be for much longer. I've decided it's time to fight back. I was up to all hours last night crafting my response to those two idiots. I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal. Martin: I'm not sure you want to call it your reBUTTal. Frasier and Niles cross to the table where quotations books are laid across the table along with Frasier's speech. Niles: I see your "Bartlett's" is out. You're not pulling any punches! Frasier: Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochéfoucauld: "If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others." Niles: [boxing-match style] Ouch! Frasier: And when I've knocked them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is merely calisthenics with words." Niles: Pow! Frasier: And when they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in with the kill - [shadow-boxing] Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken! Niles: It's not a fight, it's an execution! As they laugh and caper enthusiastically, Martin comes over to the table. Martin: You know Frasier, if you go and read that on the air you're going to set yourself up for a year of abuse. You know, this kind of thing is probably the reason why these guys started picking on you in the first place. Frasier: All right, Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I somehow managed to bring all this misery on myself? Martin: No, I'm not saying that, just... well, have you ever wondered why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two? Niles: No, we don't wonder why, we know the reason: Frasier/Niles: Jealousy! Martin: Okay, so there's a little bit of that too. But you know, you kinda give people the impression that you're... above them. Frasier: Pish-tosh! Niles: Poppycock! Daphne enters in her gown. Niles: Morning, Daphne. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending? Daphne: That's it! I'm getting my door sound-proofed. She goes to the kitchen. Martin: See what I mean? People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties, and your seasoned crepe pans. Frasier: In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans. Niles: Which is the precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much. Martin: My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve. Frasier: Steed! Niles: [rolls his eyes] Dad! Frasier: There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. When anyone tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with the umbrella. Martin: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? I mean, you were just begging to get beat up. Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it? Niles: I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran. Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet." My point is, if you go down to the station and read that over the air, then you might as well go down there in a great big bowler hat. I mean, people are never going to let you forget it. "[The bowler] should never be worn abroad, never by foreigners, and Americans who attempt to do so should be fined." -- Hardy Amies, designer Daphne has re-entered with coffee. Daphne: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. [Niles looks up] Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up. Martin: Catsuit, huh? [referring to Eddie who has just come in] Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts. Niles: I would not! [sees Eddie] ...be surprised if he did! Ho-ho-ho. [strokes Eddie] The phone rings. Frasier: Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Why, Roz - yes, just calm down. No, no, I'm not listening. Hang on a second. Frasier turns on the radio. "Carlos and the Chicken" have put together a tape which sounds like Roz and Frasier having sx - voice clips from the radio show laid over background sounds of moaning and grunting. Frasier is horrified. Frasier: [on radio] Roz! Oh, dear God! Carlos: [on radio] I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of water on those two. Chicken: [on radio] Roz and Frasier stopped around for a quick hello, next thing you know, they're getting it on in the booth! Frasier: Roz! Roz: [on radio] Frasier! Frasier: Roz! Roz: Frasier! Frasier: Do we have time to squeeze in one more? Roz: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes. Carlos: You know, for a man carrying around a good fifty extra pounds of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina. Frasier, where do you get your energy? Frasier: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla. Carlos: Oh my God, they're changing positions. I've never seen that one before. Frasier: Love does enter through the nose. Frasier turns it off. Martin, Daphne and Niles can't contain their laughter. Frasier: Call you back, Roz. [hangs up] I'm going down there. Martin: Frasier... Frasier: Dad, don't try to talk me out of this, I'm going to teach those two a lesson, they'll not soon forget. [grabs speech] Where's my umbrella? Martin: Oh no, not that again! Not the umbrella, I'm begging you! Frasier: It's raining! Frasier grabs his umbrella and exits the apartment to an array of camera flashes. Frasier: No! No, stop it! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - KACL Radio Station. Frasier storms through the double doors into the corridor outside the studio where "Carlos and the Chicken" are live on air. Frasier bumps into an equally angry Roz. Frasier: Roz, what are you doing here? Roz: I am getting revenge, that's what! These guys are going down! Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me? Frasier: Just the part about us having sx. Roz: Exactly! And now they've got a photo contest about me now, too. Frasier: Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? Sorry. Roz: No, it's fifty bucks and a six-pack. And there were seven winners before I even left the house. Frasier, what shall we do? Slash their tires, should we crack their windshields? Frasier: No, I was thinking of a more direct approach, Roz. Roz: Oh, I'm down with that too! Next commercial, I'll get the Chicken, you take the big guy. Frasier: No, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz. Roz: I knew you'd say that. Fine, I'll take the big guy. Frasier: No, no, Roz. Listen to yourself, you're lusting for blood like a barbarian. I've a more civilized approach in mind. I have composed a speech! Roz stares at him. Roz: A speech? Well, unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats, what good is that gonna do? Frasier: Just watch me. Roz: No, Frasier, they're never going to stop making fun of you. Frasier: Roz, I don't care. I just figured out something, you know, maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something, let them do their worst. They will not knock the bowler off of this head! He goes into the booth, leaving Roz totally bewildered. Roz: [opens the door] What does that mean?! Frasier enters the booth and shuts Roz outside. Carlos and the Chicken react to him. Carlos: Holy Cow, look who just walked into the booth: Frasier Crane, the automatic s*x pilot. Chicken: What's up, love doctor? Frasier: Oh, I think you two know what's up. There's only so much I can take, there's only so much anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his straight man. I believe it was La Rochéfoucauld who first said... Chicken: Listen to me, I'll take my straight man over your sex- starved producer any day, my friend. Roz: [bursts in] Nobody... Frasier locks her out again. Carlos: Hey, wait a second, I'm not your straight man. If anything, I'm the funny one. Chicken: Let's not start with this again, okay? Carlos: You're the one who just started it, on the air! Frasier: It was La Rochéfoucauld that first said... Carlos: You always do this. Chicken: Hey Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always." Carlos: I just wish you could say I was as funny as you are. Chicken: Now, I wish I could say that too, but who does all the funny voices? Frasier: La Rochéfoucauld once said- Carlos: If I'm so unfunny, how come I get all the solo gigs? Chicken: Oh, now I'm laughing, ha-ha! Carlos: Don't believe me? Ask our agent! Chicken: You talked to Zachary behind my back. Frasier: You know, if I could just get a word in... Carlos: I'm going. Chicken: Go ahead, be my guest. Carlos: Great, because I don't need you and I don't need "Carlos and the Chicken." Chicken: Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy! Carlos: Same to you, Dwayne! [exits] Chicken: Hey, that's not cool. Frasier: Chicken! I believe it was La Rochéfoucauld, the great French thinker... Chicken: Hey, give it a rest, double-wide, I went to grad school too. And P.S.: It's pronounced [different] "La Rochéfoucald." Frasier: [livid] That's it! Nobody corrects my French pronunciation, you son of a...! Frasier runs Chicken off the premises as Kenny enters. Kenny: [calls after] Chicken! [to Frasier] Did you have to be so vicious? Frasier: Me?! Kenny: We got dead air, take over! [exits] Frasier: Yes, right. [sits at microphone] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be filling in for the next hour of the morning zoo with my own particular brand of zany antics. [thinks, then] Let's see, em, you know there was a fabulous cartoon in the recent "New Yorker". Let me see if I can describe it for you... End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment - Frasier is sat on the couch reading his book. The doorbell sounds, Frasier answers it to Mrs. Kurdsmen, the old lady who tried to take a picture of his butt when she dropped the medication. She hands over the film and Frasier hands over the pill bottle. However, once again she "accidentally" drops it on the floor. As Frasier bends to pick it up, she gets her camera out once more. Frasier takes the pills, throws them across the apartment and shuts the door on her.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is the subject of repeated prank phonecalls from KACL's new morning team? A: revenge; Q: What does Frasier seek from Carlos and the Chicken? A: sound bites; Q: What is the medley of sound effects and what else? Summary: Frasier is the subject of repeated prank phonecalls from KACL's new morning team, Carlos and the Chicken, and seeks revenge. The pranks culminate in a medley of sound effects and sound bites , engineered to sound like a sex session between Frasier and Roz.
Opening scene - The pool house - Sandy goes in to talk to Ryan. Ryan is on his bed reading Sandy: (knocks, then opens the door) you're not havin breakfast Ryan: I'm not really hungry Sandy: Dr Kim jus called to let us know that you've ben suspended indefinitely, y'know until the disciplinary committee can figure out whether or not they wanna expel ya Ryan: I know you want me to say I'm sorry but I'm not, Oliver admitted it right to my face, he told me he wanted me gone...so he could get to Marissa Sandy: (shrugs) then why would he drop the assault charges against ya Ryan: he did that Sandy: yeah I-I mean it seems to me that if he had it in for ya (walks inside) if he wanted you gone you'd be gone you'd be back in juvi already I mean y'know that right...c'mon help me out here would ya (sits on the bed) (Ryan sits forward) tell me what's goin on Ryan: (sighs) Oliver's dangerous Sandy: this is what I know, you attacked him period your on probation you knew the slightest infraction would probably result in ya bein taken from us (shakes his head) an ya did it anyway I-I for the life of me I can't understand why, talk to me (Ryan shuts his eyes) c'mon Ryan talk to me Ryan: (swings round to sit on the edge of the bed) what's the point your not gonna believe me anyway Sandy: (trying to get through to him) it's not about what I believe, I wish it was! it's about what you did! (Ryan looks at him) the next time you feel like raisin your fist you had better open your mouth an talk (Ryan looks down) I'm here for that (rubs his eyes) so what am I spose'ta do, I cant ground ya I'm not gonna chain ya to the wall (frustrated) you wanna go after that Oliver kid (stands) go ahead, doors open (Ryan just sits there listening) but if you wanna stay, if you wanna be part of this family your not gonna go anywhere your not gonna do anything your not gonna see anyone unless Kirsten an I say its ok, that's the deal take it or leave it (Ryan looks at him, not saying anything) Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet We are still in the pool house, but Ryan is there by himself. he's just sitting there flicking through a book, we pan across and Ryan is now lying on the bed he's puts the book next to him, we pan again and Ryan is now doing sit ups on the floor. pan again and Ryan is sitting on the edge of the bed, he falls back and sighs. in the background we hear the sound of a bell, Ryan looks at his clock just as it changes to 8:00am CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa and Summer are walking outside Summer: so Ryan jus like punched him for no reason Marissa: well that's what Ryan does he punches people, he doesn't talk to them...an he doesn't listen Summer: ok well he had to have a reason though, I mean yeah Ryan's violent but he's not stupid Marissa: (sighs) he just...I don't know he thinks Oliver's in love with me...or something Summer: well isn't he (Marissa looks at her) a little Marissa: (heated) we're jus friends! Summer: (defensive) ooooook Marissa: I mean Oliver's like the only guy in my life who isn't jealous an scary an breathing down my neck all the time, an he actually tells me what he's thinking...unlike some people Summer: soooo are you an Ryan... Marissa: we broke up Summer: (shocked) whoa! Coop...(thinks) so that means that we're both single now...which (excited) rocks! right (Marissa half smiles) no more Ryan no more Seth Cohen we're totally free, liberated, infact how bout I treat us both to a little Bourke Williams today after school, a little facial a little massage Marissa: (smiles) I cant I promised Oliver I'd help him study after school Summer: (disappointed) oh, well how bout this weekend Marissa: well my dads taking Caitlyn to my grandmas an I have to spend the entire weekend at my moms, apparently she's got this whole like mother daughter marathon thing planned Summer: well then when are we gonna hang out Marissa: (shrugs) soon (the bell goes and Marissa walks off. Summer looks disappointed) Marissa: (turns back) hey you coming? CUT TO: Seth and Anna getting drinks inside Anna: well even if Ryan gets expelled he's still gonna live with you guys right, I mean your parents aren't gonna kick him out Seth: no, I don't think so Anna: (concerned) well is he ok Seth: yeah, he's not the one who got punched in the face Anna: (takes his arm and they start walking) I'm talking about in the larger sense Seth Seth: I guess I-I don't really know Anna: you don't know, haven't you talked to him Seth: no, what am I spose'ta say Anna: um I don't know are you ok is there anything I can do Seth: well that's the thing there is nothing I can do, I begged him to stay away from Oliver an he didn't listen'a me, look you don't really know Ryan that well ok you don't understand Anna: (hurt) I'm trying (Summer & Marissa are walking towards them, they all stop. it's awkward) Marissa: hey Seth: hey Summer: hey Anna: hey...how is everybody Marissa: (over enthusiastic) good Seth: good Summer: good Anna: good (they all look at each other) Seth: ok this is really um- Summer: weird Seth: yeah (to Marissa) jus cause you an Ryan aren't together anymore (Marissa nods) Summer: that doesn't mean we cant all Seth: (points) exactly Summer: right Marissa: so is he ok? (Oliver comes up to them before Seth can answer. his lip looks gross & they are all shocked by it) Oliver: what up what up, so what're we doing this weekend, ski trip mammoth six to eight inches of fresh powder tomorrow Marissa: Oliver your lip Oliver: oh, I was hopin it'd already made the transition from scary to sexy (Marissa laughs) not yet huh, walk me to western civ Marissa: sure, bye you guys Anna: bye (Seth & Summer wave) wow Oliver seems almost- Seth: happy Summer: yeah well why shouldn't he, he has Marissa all to himself now CUT TO: Kirsten's office. Kirsten and Sandy are eating lunch together, Sandy is sitting there quiet Kirsten: what Sandy: I think I made a mistake (sighs) Kirsten: by leaving Ryan home alone Sandy: by bringin him home in the first place Kirsten: Sandy he's a good kid, he's not perfect but we'll work it out we always do, everything's gonna be ok Sandy: who'd ever thought you'd be tellin me that (Kirsten smiles) (there is a knock at the door) Guy: Kirsten Cohen Kirsten: uh yes Guy: your not spose to be here Kirsten: (confused) I'm sorry Guy: we have a work order here from Julie Cooper (shows the papers) excuse me sir (they take the chair that Sandy was sitting on) Kirsten: there must be a mistake (the guys carry furniture out and Julie walks in) Julie: (suprised) Kirsten what're you doin here you said you were going to lunch Sandy: we ordered in, deli? (holds up his lunch) Julie: oh hi Sandy (smiles) no thankyou Kirsten: Julie! what is going on? Julie: well as the Newport groups new design director I've decided to give the office a much needed face lift (excited) now wait till you see your furniture Kiki, its very fresh very Danish, very 'hello' Kirsten: I'm sure it is, but you can't just initiate a redesign, you have to get approvals Julie: Caleb said it was ok Sandy: oh Caleb said it was ok (Kirsten looks at him) Kirsten: aaah my coffee table (chases it) (Caleb comes in) Caleb: Kiki what the hell is going on, some man in a jumpsuit jus made off with my massage chair, I want my chair, I want my desk I want my office back (Kirsten just nods) Julie: by the time we get back from lunch you'll have it an you'll love it (kisses his cheek) mwa, hey you guys wanna join us, we're celebrating my new position Sandy: oh I'm not gonna touch that one Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) no we're ok (Caleb & Julie leave, Kirsten walks back into her now empty office) Kirsten: (lost) I...I have work to do Sandy: don't worry honey you said it yourself everything's gonna be fine CUT TO: Cohen house - Ryan is watching TV in the living room. he changes the channel a few times then looks over at the phone. he picks it up then looks at the clock which says 12 exactly. he starts to dial then stops CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa and Oliver are outside eating lunch Oliver: come on you have to go, we both could use the weekend away, it'll be my treat Marissa: I can't, besides I'm the one who should be treating you, you never would've gotten hurt if it weren't for me Oliver: hey that was Ryan not you, what'did we learn in therapy huh say it with me now, we are responsible for our own actions (Marissa smiles, Luke comes and sits with them) Luke: hey what's up (sits) Oliver: Luke you have to help me convince Marissa to come up to mammoth with us Luke: who's goin'a mammoth Marissa: not me, my dads outta town so I'm gonna be spending the weekend at my moms Oliver: which means she'll be spending it next to Ryan which is not good for her right now Luke: well isn't that kind of up to Marissa Marissa: look it's not a big deal, its fine Oliver: ok so let me at least get you an your mom a suite at the hotel, that way ill be there an you wont even have'ta think about Ryan (Marissa's phone rings) Marissa: look this is probably her now already checking up on me (reads the call ID) (her smile goes) Oliver: its Ryan isn't it (Marissa nods) Luke: your not gonna get it Oliver: (answers for her) she's not talkin to Ryan right now Luke: is she still talkin'a me or are you doing all of her talking Marissa: Luke Luke: from now on Marissa: don't Luke: no Marissa Marissa: (stands) I should probably jus go Luke: stay, you two enjoy your lunch (leaves) Oliver: I am so sorry, I guess I can jus get a little over protective sometimes, but I would never presume to Marissa: (smiles) I know, its ok, really, why don't I jus go get us some desert (leaves) (Oliver picks up Marissa's phone and listens to her messages) You have one new message Ryan: hey I was hopin maybe we could talk face to face if you want, so ill meet you in the library after school an I hope...ill-ill see you there - to save the message press 2 to erase the message press 3 (Oliver presses something) message deleted (Oliver closes the phone and puts it down, then continues eating like nothing happened) CUT TO: Seth and Anna are walking outside Anna: so what's the plan comic books first or frozen yoghurt? Seth: actually do you think it's cool if we give the comics a run tomorrow Anna: oh Seth: I sorta thought it'd be better if maybe I went home an checked on Ryan Anna: yeah that's a good idea (takes his arm) do you want some company (Summer is in front of them) Summer: hey where're you guys going Seth: um well we were talkin about maybe going to the comic book store but I Summer: really huh, can I come? Seth: to the comic book store Summer: yeah, I like comics sort of Anna: (amused) you do Summer: mm hmm believe it or not Betty an Veronica had a huge influence on me Anna: you know what I do I do believe that Seth: (smiles) I believe it to Summer: besides Marissa has Oliver now and I...have a whole afternoon to kill (Seth nudges Anna) Anna: so great, you'll spend it with us Seth: yeah (Summer smiles) Anna: (to Seth) except don't you have to go check on Ryan Seth: well I (sees Ryan in the school parking lot) excuse me (walks over to Ryan) hey Ryan: hey Seth: what're you doin here? Ryan: I'm spose to meet Marissa Seth: ok but-but here in broad daylight in front of god an Dr Kim an everyone man Ryan: she's not taking my calls ok, this is the only place I knew id be able to see her Seth: (worried) so does Marissa know about this meeting Ryan: (hurt) you'd think you of all people would believe me, I believe you Seth: Ryan Marissa's a big girl ok you can't go around telling her who she can an can't hang out with Ryan: Oliver's not stable he's dangerous, he's violent one girl already got a restraining order against him and his girlfriend Natalie either she lives in Niagara falls or she doesn't exist Seth: I'm sure he's not making up girlfriends Ryan: Seth he's crazy Seth: ok ok fine he's crazy but this mission impossible act you're pulling, it's not the way to make your case Ryan: I have to go (he walks off) CUT TO: Ryan in the library waiting, unbeknownst to him Oliver is there Oliver: she's not coming (Ryan turns around) an she asked me to tell you not to call her anymore...an not to try an see her. an if you do she's gonna get a restraining order against you Ryan: (smug) really, what's that like? Oliver: its not my fault she doesn't wanna see you, I mean you spied on her, you stole from her, you beat up one of her best friends Ryan: an I'd do it again too, right now! Oliver: I coulda pressed charges but I didn't, I'm trying to help you but if you keep this up no ones gonna be able to save you, give it up buddy, its over! (walks away) Ryan: hey Oliver (Oliver turns around) it hasn't even begun (Oliver smiles freakily and walks off. Ryan stands there looking worried) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten is on the phone. Sandy comes in and looks at the kitchen, that is now looking more like Kirsten's office Kirsten: I need my office back by the end of the day Brian oh and if Julie Cooper asks you to do anything else you nod your head an do nothing, thanks (hangs up) Sandy: have you uh have you seen the coffee Kirsten: oh very funny in the mean time I have no place to work Sandy: yeah I have no place ta eat Kirsten: her first day on the job an Julie has displaced half the staff from their offices an personally alienated the other half, she's driving everyone crazy! Sandy: including me would you please talk to her before I starve to death Kirsten: you can't talk to Julie Cooper she's...Julie Cooper Sandy: so talk ta your dad, he's the only reason she's there Kirsten: I know but then he's gonna think it's personal or that I'm jealous, I can't talk to my father Sandy: hmm Kirsten: you don't mind if I work outta the house do you Sandy: oh (puts his hands out) (Ryan comes in) Ryan: sorry I thought if there was coffee Kirsten: oh Ryan come on in, there's coffee an-an cereal an...a model home Ryan: yeah (takes coffee) ok thanks (Ryan looks at Sandy and doesn't say anything, he leaves the kitchen) Kirsten: (quietly) Seth said Ryan didn't leave the pool house all day yesterday, maybe we're being too hard on him Sandy: we gotta hang tough, it's for his own good Kirsten: then why do I feel so bad (door bell) (Kirsten goes to answer the door, its Julie) Julie: (cheery) Kirsten (suprised) oh you're not dressed Kirsten: Julie Julie: I thought we could car pool from now on I mean we're right next door, have you read the latest EPA figures, what we're doing to the environment, Sandy I can see you hiding in there Sandy: (yells) not hiding Julie jus making myself presentable Julie: oh well don't go to any trouble for me Sandy: don't worry Julie: Kirsten! you're still not dressed Kirsten: yes uh well I was planning on working from the house today, since my office is still... (Sandy comes in) Sandy: actually honey weren't you spose'ta meet with Caleb this afternoon to talk about the...the thing Kirsten: it can wait Sandy: so can Julie! grab a shower, I can get Julie some coffee (Kirsten glares at him) Julie: ill help myself, is it flavoured? Sandy: no (mouths to Kirsten 'go go') CUT TO: Julie is in the backyard drinking coffee and reading the paper, she puts the paper down and we see Ryan standing there Julie: aren't you a little bit late for school Ryan: I got suspended Julie: ooh what a suprise (smiling) who'd ya beat up this time, Dr Kim Ryan: I guess you an Marissa haven't talked in a while Julie: well as a matter of fact she'll be spending the weekend with me so Ryan: she will Julie: I guess you an Marissa haven't talked in a while Ryan: (sits at the table with her) look I know you an I haven't always agreed when it comes to Marissa...but I'm asking you please keep her away from this kid Oliver, he's not well Julie: really...the boy who lives in the pool house is warning me about the boy who lives in the penthouse Ryan: (looks at her) he's got this thing that he does, he locks into a girl thinks she's gonna make everything ok an when she cant he loses it Julie: (rolls her eyes) I am not getting involved in the thrills of teenage romance thankyou Ryan: he cut his wrists last year because of a girl, last month when his girlfriend Natalie broke up with him he got busted for tryin'a buy cocaine...its true you can ask Marissa (Julie looks at him) (Kirsten comes out) Kirsten: Julie are you ready Julie: yeah (stands up) uh-hm, stay out of trouble Ryan CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa and Oliver are walking up the stairs outside Oliver: what'did your mom say about mammoth Marissa: I didn't ask her yet...I'm sorry I jus I try not to talk to my mom as much as possible (laughs) Oliver: look if...you don't wanna hang out with me this weekend that's fine Marissa: what? Oliver: its ok if you don't jus tell me because after what happened with me an Natalie Marissa: I do wanna hang out with you, believe me there's nothing id rather do then jus blow everything off, school, therapy, my mom an hang out with you (Oliver smiles) but I've got so- Oliver: you mean it, seriously (Marissa nods/shrugs) then let's do it lets-lets blow it off, alright we can drive to LA we can have lunch at the IV do the gette swing by the troubadour Marissa: (smiles) it sounds perfect except my mom would kill me! I mean I'm spose to have dinner with her tonight Oliver: well what if I get you back by dinner (Marissa thinks) come on you know you want'to Marissa: (laughs) stop it, what about therapy Oliver: oh you don't need therapy, from what you told me your moms the one who needs therapy right Marissa: (gives in) promise ill be back before dinner (Oliver smiles and puts his arm around her neck, they both walk down the stairs. the camera pulls back to show that Seth and Luke were watching them) Seth: where're they goin? Luke: I don't know but I don't trust that dude Seth: stop it man you sound like Ryan (Luke looks at him) you've met Natalie right Luke: Oliver's ex Natalie, no, you? Seth: no, Ryan thinks he made her up Luke: (thinks) Oliver said she went to Pacific right (Seth nods) so I've got some friends over there I can jus ask em Seth: you don't think that's a little crazy Luke: dude have you met Oliver CUT TO: Caleb's office - Caleb is in there working and Kirsten comes in Kirsten: (knocks) dad, do you have a minute? Caleb: exactly one Kirsten: uh it's about Julie Caleb: (looks up) close the door (Kirsten closes the door) she's driving me crazy Kirsten: (confused) excuse me Caleb: don't get me wrong I enjoy the woman, but not every living minute of the day, she's there every time I turn around at home in the office, I wouldn't be suprised if she wasn't in here now (looks around paranoid) Kirsten: dad you're the one who hired her Caleb: I gave her something to do so she wouldn't be calling me all the time Kirsten: well it worked, now she doesn't have'ta call you she's always here Caleb: which is why I want you to talk to her, I know she's your friend but in the interests of the business not to mention your father's sanity, this has to end Kirsten: (frowns) what're you talking about the job or- (Caleb doesn't say anything) (realises) you want me to break up with her! Caleb: I knew you'd understand (kisses her cheek) mm (pats her arm) (Kirsten is stunned) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is lying on the bed and Seth comes in Seth: (opens door) hey...so um Summer an Anna are both here an Summer is about to read her first comic, I knew you wouldn't wanna miss that Ryan: (flat) let me know how it goes Seth: (nods) ok...well I can see your busy Ryan: why don't you invite over Oliver...Natalie if you can find her Seth: (nods) maybe ill do that (leaves) (Ryan lays there with no emotion) CUT TO: Sandy comes in from work - he goes into the living room where Seth, Anna and Summer are reading comics. Seth and Summer are on the floor and Anna is on the couch Sandy: hey guys what're you doin Seth: hey well believe it or not Summer's shown a latent interest in-in comic book reading Sandy: I don't believe it (Summer smiles, Anna looks left out) Seth: believe it Sandy: (nods) hey where's Ryan Seth: I invited him to come join us but he's chosen to stay in the fortress of solitude (to Summer) that's a superman reference Summer: I knew that Seth: so I'm gonna start ya off with some basics (Anna looks at them, not happy) batman the dark knight returns, very important uh watchmen an the sandman (hands them to her) enjoy Anna: Seth Seth: yeah Anna: don't you think maybe you wanna start on something a little less grim an gritty Seth: like what Anna: like the Archie's Seth: (cringes) ugh Anna the Archie's Sandy: hey I'm with Anna, life's gritty enough comic books are for fun Seth: (frowns) life's gritty enough? we live in Newport beach CUT TO: Sandy now in the kitchen. Anna comes in Anna: hey Mr. Cohen Sandy: yeeeess Anna: did you read comic books when you were a kid Sandy: oh yeah sure, I mean not like Seth Anna: (smiles) I know...you have no idea how rare it is to find another comic book person (Sandy smiles) especially one who loves death cab an sailing, I thought I was the only one Sandy: I thought Seth was the only one (Anna laughs) death cabs a band yes (Anna nods) yeah (Kirsten comes in carrying grocers) Kirsten: guys (yells) Seth (to Sandy) uh can you help me with the rest of the groceries Sandy: yeah yeah yeah in a minute (Kirsten walks out) Anna: so I guess you an Mrs. Cohen have alot in common huh Sandy: oh yeah, yeah sure we-we both love (thinks) uh...Seth so I guess we don't have alot in common Anna: huh...well then what do you think is the key to a successful relationship Kirsten: uh sooner we get the bags outta the car, sooner we eat Sandy: (yells) coming (laughs) well I think as far as Cohen men are concerned the key (nods) is patience Anna: patience (smiles) (Seth comes in) Seth: hey dad is it uh cool if Summer stays for dinner (Sandy looks at him) Anna: (not happy) uh...I'm gonna get the groceries Seth: alright thanks (Sandy smacks him up the back of the head) come on man what're you doin Sandy: what're you doin! Seth: these are crazy people Sandy (walking out of the kitchen) Luke! what're you doin here besides relievin me of grocery duties Luke: well I hadn't seen Ryan in a while so I thought id stop by an say hey, is that ok (Sandy nods) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan and Luke are in there Luke: I can't stay I have'ta go have dinner with my dad but there's somethin you should know Ryan: what Luke: I saw Marisa leave school today with Oliver they skipped the whole day (Ryan shuts his eyes) an I tried her on her cell but Ryan: you don't know where they went Luke: (shakes his head) no...an I'm sure she's probably fine right but there's somethin about that kid...so I went over ta Pacific after school I know a few guys on the water polo team over there I figured id ask them what they knew about him uh what was he like when he went to Pacific uh did they even know him uh did they know Natalie...well turns out there is no Natalie (Ryan looks at him) at least not at Pacific high (Ryan looks worried) CUT TO: Anna setting the table in the dining room, Summer is walking behind her correcting everything Anna does. Kirsten comes in with the wine Summer: are you sure its ok that I'm staying for dinner Kirsten: oh absolutely we have more then enough for everybody (Kirsten walks into the kitchen where Sandy and Seth are) Sandy: I don't know where we're gonna put it all Seth: (carrying food) eventually in my belly (Anna smiles, Summer smiles, then Anna turns around and sees that Summer smiled and they both stop) (we see Ryan coming out of the pool house, he closes the door and sees them all around the dinner table through the window. he stands and watches for a minute then he walks off) CUT TO: Everyone around the dinner table. Kirsten and Sandy are either end. Seth and Anna are on one side and Summer on the other Sandy: why don't you go ahead and start without me Seth: (already eating) ok Sandy: (gets up) ill go get Ryan CUT TO: The front of Julie's - Marissa is getting out of the car, Ryan is waiting for her Marissa: what are you doing at my house...you have to leave...I mean it Ryan: I have to tell you something Marissa: (angry) you went to my mom she called the school, she called the hotel looking for Oliver's parents Ryan: jus let me talk to you please Marissa: (yells) why do you hate him so much, what'did he ever do to you Ryan: there is no Natalie Marissa: your becoming pathetic (tries to get passed Ryan who's in her way) Ryan: ask him, ask him to show you his year book, she's not there she's not real, he made her up (Marissa doesn't say anything) (Julie comes out) Julie: Marissa inside your in big trouble, Ryan go home Marissa: no you know what Ryan you stay I'm going (she gets in the car) Julie: Marissa (yells) Marissa get back here (the sound of a car starting) Julie: (yells) get back here (Marissa drives off, Julie goes back inside and Ryan just stands there, he looks up and sees that Sandy saw the whole thing, Sandy walks away disappointed) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The penthouse - Marissa is urgently knocking on the door, after a while Oliver opens it Marissa: hey Oliver: hi Marissa: (upset) do you mind if I stay here tonight (Oliver motions for her to come in and she walks in. we pan out on the door shutting) CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - Ryan is lying on the bed and we hear a knock. Ryan sits up and slides to the edge of the bed. Sandy comes in Sandy: uh I thought you might want some breakfast (hands him food and a coffee) Ryan: (sighs) thanks (Sandy sits in the chair and drinks his coffee) Ryan: I shouldnt'a gone over there last night Sandy: do you wanna talk about it Ryan: not really Sandy: Ryan, I promise I will do everything I can to help you but I-I-I cant help you if you don't talk ta me, if you don't tell me what's goin on Kirsten: (knocks) Ryan I thought you might like some...uhhh coffee Sandy: great minds Kirsten: (smiles) Luke's here to see you Ryan: (gets up) thanks you guys (Ryan is now walking towards Luke in the hallway) Luke: hey man (they shake hands) how'd it go last night, what'd she say Ryan: she didn't believe me...an then her mom started in an she ran away Luke: ta Oliver's Ryan: I don't know Luke: we- so let's go find out Ryan: an then what, she wants ta be with him she's gonna be with him Luke: so your jus gonna give up Ryan: what else can I do she's not gonna listen'ta a word I have ta say Luke: well...she's gonna listen'a me, see ya (leaves) (Ryan sits on the step) CUT TO: The penthouse - Marissa and Oliver are eating breakfast Oliver: so if we leave for LA after our massages we can check inta my parent's suite around 2 Marissa: wait your parents have their own private suite in LA to Oliver: yeah yeah they have private suites in all their hotels, London, Paris Marissa: oh I wish we could go to Paris Oliver: we can, it's only fifteen hours away Marissa: (smiles) yeah as long as we're back by Monday right Oliver: look if uh if you don't wanna go jus say so we don't have to Marissa: no I do I jus...cant Oliver: why not, you've ben sayin you wanna get away from your mom and from Ryan, an this way it'll jus be you an me (smiles) in Paris (Marissa's phone rings) Oliver: hey don't answer that it's probably your mom Marissa: (checks the call ID) its Luke uh (answers) hey Oliver: Marissa Luke: (driving) where are you, are you ok? Marisa: I'm fine I'm at the hotel Oliver: why is he callin you? Luke: Marissa you've gotta listen'a me, there is no Natalie Bishop Ryan was right Marissa: (rolls her eyes) Luke don't you start to Luke: I'm tryin'a help you Marissa Marissa: you really wanna help go to my moms pick up my clothes an tell her I'm fine Luke: Marissa! Marissa: Luke please Luke: (sighs) ill-ill be there soon (hangs up) Marissa: (hangs up) (Oliver looks at her) he's jus dropping off some clothes Oliver: well if you don't wanna stay Marissa: (smiles) no I do! I do I jus can't fly ta Paris right now, I'm sorry Oliver: well its cold right now anyway, we'll go in the spring (Marissa looks at him, almost as if she's beginning to see what Ryan does) CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Kirsten walks in and it's completely different Kirsten: (suprised) unbelievable Julie: (pops up form behind a chair) oh don't look its not finished I wanted you to be suprised when you walked in on Monday Kirsten: I am...Julie its gorgeous (Julie smiles) did you do all this today Julie: oh well I was suppose to have Marissa this weekend an that didn't happen an...I haven't heard from your father all day so then I thought why not work right, take my mind off things...so have you heard from your father, have you talked to him today Kirsten: uh no, no not today but Julie: but what is-is is he alright did something happen Kirsten: no he's fine its jus Julie: what Kirsten: ...he doesn't like confrontation...Julie you wanna sit down Julie: why, what's going on (Kirsten tries to speak but nothing comes out) (realises) no is-is is he breaking up with me (Kirsten motions yeah) or are you doing it for him (Caleb comes in) Caleb: Kiki I saw your car (to Julie) hello darling (looks at Kirsten) I tried to call you earlier but Julie: don't bother Cal (puts her hand up) Kirsten's already done your dirty work for you...because obviously your not man enough to do it yourself Caleb: (sighs) I'm sorry Julie: you should be...god I deserve so much better from you...from both of you, enjoy your office I quit (leaves) (Kirsten raises her eyebrows at Caleb) CUT TO: The Cohen house - Summer Seth and Anna are in the living room watching a cartoon. Sandy comes in Sandy: hello ladies, Seth Seth: dad don't call me a lady Anna: hey Mr. Cohen Summer: hey Sandy (Seth waves) Sandy: so the uh comic book education continues Seth: mm-hmm Anna: mm batman the animated series Seth: yeeeesss girls night out in which bat girl an super girl team up to combat the forces of evil an delight Seth Cohen (Anna doesn't look happy, Sandy notices) Summer: is super girl wearing doc martins Seth: yes, yes she is Summer Summer: hmm Seth: an a mid-driff bearing t shirt an a mini skirt Summer: hmm Seth: it's excellent Summer: well no wonder you like comics super perve Seth: (mouths 'that's right') dad we're all gonna have lunch um do you know if there's Sandy: (arms folded) can I see you, now Seth: kay (they are now near the kitchen) Seth: what, what'did I do Sandy: you hurt that poor girls feelings out there (points) Seth: who dad, Summer? please Sandy: no, no Anna Seth: I didn't say a word ta Anna Sandy: exactly, how do ya think that makes her feel to watch you flirtin with another girl right in front'a her Seth: ok dad, I was not flirting Sandy: Seth Seth: dad, Summer an I are friends Sandy: that's not what it looked like Seth: kay great (shakes his head) I'm not talkin about this anymore Sandy: of course your not talkin'a me about it no ones talkin'a me about anything lately, if you wanna go ahead an flirt with Summer you go ahead- Seth: ok why are we still talking about it? Sandy: because I'm your father an I'm responsible for you, an if I see somethins goin on with you we are gonna talk about it! Seth: ...do you think that this is about me...or could this be about Ryan Sandy: no, it's about you! Seth: ok...but just incase it's a little bit about Ryan (shrugs) I think he'll come to you when he's ready (pats Sandy on the arm) (Sandy pats Seth on the back and Seth walks out) CUT TO: Julie's house - Luke is at the door. Julie opens it and you can see she's been crying Luke: hey Mrs. Cooper Julie: (upset) hey Luke: you alright? Julie: (sniffs) hard day, come on in ill get Marissa's things for you (Luke walks in and Julie closes the door. we are now in Marissa's room. Luke is stretched out on Marissa's bed and Julie is organising Marissa's clothes) Julie: well I have to say I'm very impressed that you an Marissa are still friends Luke: yeah I'm impressed she forgave me Julie: maybe one day she'll forgive me to Luke: for what? Julie: (laughs) well I haven't exactly ben the best mom have I (sighs) or the best wife or the best girlfriend for that matter (laughs) Luke: you an Mr. Nichol Julie: yeah, it's over...which means that...in the past six months I've lost my husband...my daughter...my boyfriend an my job (cries) I'm sorry no, I shouldn't be telling you all this Luke: no, no its ok (gets off the bed) the past few months have ben rough on everybody Julie: yeah, yeah they have (sniffs) thankyou for listening...I haven't had anyone ta talk to in so long Luke: well...you can talk ta me I don't know what good it'll do but (smiles) (Julie smiles then kisses him on the cheek, they pull away from that and just stare into each others eyes) Julie: you should go, Marissa's waiting (Luke picks up the bag and leaves) CUT TO: Lobby of the hotel - Marissa goes to the front desk to find out if her clothes have been dropped off yet Marissa: hi I'm Marissa Cooper I'm staying in the penthouse with Oliver Trask, I was jus wondering if someone dropped off a bag for me (hotel phone rings) Girl: sorry one moment (answers) thankyou for calling this is Natalie, can you hold please (Marissa sees the gold name tag that says 'Natalie') Natalie: (hangs up) let me check for you miss Cooper Marissa: Natalie, do you know Oliver Trask Natalie: (smiles) yeah since he was just a little guy, I use to baby-sit him, you don't wanna know how old I am Marissa: ...your last name isn't Bishop is it? Natalie: yes, why do you ask? (Marissa doesn't say anything. she is now coming back into the penthouse. she looks worried) Oliver: hey Marissa: hey Oliver: I was jus callin your cell, where'd you go I got outta the shower an you were gone Marissa: oh I jus went down stairs to see if they had my bag, but they didn't Oliver: oh you didn't have'ta do that they'll bring it up (Marissa nods) you ok? Marissa: yeah I'm fine...its jus (less worried) it's just the weirdest thing happened, so you know the concierge at the front desk her names Natalie, Natalie Bishop the same as your ex girlfriend right, it's just how weird is that Oliver: yeah I know what your thinkin but Marissa: there is no ex girlfriend is there Oliver: Marissa I can explain Marissa: (frowns) I have to go Oliver: (grabs her arm) no no no please ok I'm sorry (holding her hands) I always do this (let's go of her hands and hits his head repeatedly) why do I always do this Marissa: (worried) Oliver stop it (Oliver screams) Oliver stop Oliver: (stops) ok Marissa: alright, its ok I'm not going anywhere (scared) so why don't you just go get changed an then uh then we can go Oliver: (softly) I'm so sorry Marissa: it's ok Oliver: ok ok (begins to walk away) Marissa: yeah (Marissa watches him leave the room, as soon as he does she gets her phone from her bag and dials a number) Marissa: (breathing heavily, scared) pick up CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is lying on his bed, we hear the phone ringing, he looks over and sighs, he lays there and lets it ring then finally decides to answer it Ryan: hello Marissa: (urgent) Ryan it's me Ryan: (sits up, worried) what's goin on where are you Marissa: (upset, scared) I'm at the hotel, I can't really talk right now but its Oliver he's...you were right an now he wont let me leave (in the background we see Oliver come back into the room) Oliver: hang up (Marissa turns around and sees that Oliver has a gun, she looks terrified) Oliver: (walking over to her and waving the gun) hang up the phone, please (Marissa takes the phone away from her ear and is breathing heavily just starting at the gun) Oliver: give me the phone Marissa: wh-what're you doing Ryan: (listening through the phone) what's goin on Marissa? Oliver: PLEASE give me the phone (Marissa reluctantly hands the phone to Oliver) Oliver: bye Ryan (hangs up) CUT TO: The Cohen house - Kirsten, Seth, Sandy and Anna are in the kitchen/dining room preparing for lunch Kirsten: its to bad that Summer couldn't stay there's so much food Seth: never fear mom (rubs Anna's shoulders) Anna's here Anna: you noticed (pulls away) Sandy: hey Seth why don't you go get Ryan Seth: ok (to Anna) hey will you come with me Anna: yeah sure maybe then we can be alone for like ten seconds Seth: hey, I'm sorry about the Summer thing ok you know how excited I get turning people onto comics Anna: I know how excited you get turning Summer on yeah Seth: ok that's not fair, I thought we were all friends Anna: no! she's your friend, I am your girlfriend there's a difference or there should be (Ryan rushes in) Sandy: hey foods here, where you goin Ryan: (picking up car keys) I think Marissa's in trouble I'm jus gonna make sure she's ok Sandy: give me the keys Ryan: no I have to go ok Sandy: (sternly) give me the keys Ryan: you said if I needed help I could come to you Sandy: (more sternly) give me the keys (Ryan hands them over) Sandy: ill drive CUT TO: The penthouse - Oliver is walking around with the gun and Marissa is sitting on the couch scared Oliver: (upset) I'm sorry ok I'm so sorry, I just heard you on the phone with him an I didn't know what to do Marissa: (upset) that's ok so why don't you jus put the gun down an we can talk about it Oliver: no-no I cant you'll leave Marissa: Oliver I have to go some time Oliver: what ta him (Marissa is crying) ta him right (points to himself) what about me huh Marissa: you an I are friends we will always be- Oliver: (yells) friends, friends Marissa I'm in love with you (Marissa is crying) how could you not know that, I've always ben...your the one who gets me, the only one who gets me (sniffs) your the only thing in my life that I love Marissa: (crying) then why would you wanna hurt me Oliver: I don't, I never would (holding out the gun) this isn't for you this'is for me cause if you leave I will have nothing else to live for so you have to promise me you will not leave (phone rings. Oliver cries and Marissa looks at it) CUT TO: The hotel lobby - Ryan is on a phone, and Sandy is standing with him Ryan: there's no answer, they're not pickin up (Sandy nods and walks over to the front desk. Ryan follows) Sandy: scuse me my names Sandy Cohen (shows his ID) an we got an emergency call from the penthouse about twenty minutes ago an now no ones answering is there any chance at all you could let us in up there Natalie: I'm sorry sir but without the guests permission we're really not able to Ryan: (desperate) please we have a friend up there in trouble if you could uh ju (sees the name tag) wait wait your Natalie (Natalie smiles) Natalie Bishop Natalie: (nods) are you a friend of Oliver's (Ryan nods. we now see Natalie, Ryan, Sandy and 2 security guards getting off the elevator on the penthouse floor. they walk to the door) Natalie: (knocks) Oliver are you there it's Natalie Oliver: uh (Marissa stands) Natalie: Oliver I'm coming in (grabs the card) Oliver: uh no no that's ok um I'm fine I jus got out of the shower Marissa: (whispers) Oliver please Oliver: (puts the gun to his mouth) shhh (Marissa is breathing heavily and crying) Natalie: I guess he's fine Sandy: well thanks for checking um...we'll go Ryan: (not giving up) no, no (yells) Marissa! (Inside Oliver looks worried, but Marissa looks hopeful now she knows Ryan is there) (Outside Ryan and Sandy wait for a response, there is none) (Inside they both remain quiet) Ryan: (desperately yells) Marissa! {this is a powerful moment, in this one word we feel how much Ryan cares for Marissa and how desperate he is to hear her voice} (Inside Oliver remains quiet, Marissa looks as though she wants to answer, but she can't Sandy: alright let's go Marissa: (desperately yells) Ryan! (crying) he's got a gun Security guards: let's go Oliver: (screams) oh why did you do that! why! Marissa: (crying) I'm sorry, please jus put the gun away an let them in (the security guards come through the door, followed by Ryan, Sandy and Natalie) Security: (aims there guns) sir don't move, put the gun down Marissa: Ryan! (cries) Oliver: or what your gonna shoot me (puts the gun to his head) let me save you the trouble Security: come on son Sandy: Oliver you don't wanna do that Security: put the gun down, now! (Marissa is watching Oliver, scared. Oliver is upset and still has the gun to his head) Oliver: (whispers to Marissa) I'm sorry Ryan: Oliver put the gun down man Oliver: why man, I'm doin you a favour Ryan: why would you wanna do that you hate me (Oliver closes his eyes) that's right if you do this you wont hurt me you'll hurt Marissa the one person that cares about you an I know you don't wanna do that (Sandy watches Ryan) Oliver put the gun down man Oliver: you don't know anything about me man Ryan: I know what its like to be abandoned by your parents, your friends...an have no one in your life who believes in you (Marissa looks at Ryan with tears in her eyes) but you put the gun down you get a second chance (Oliver stands there crying, Ryan looks at him, Marissa looks at him, Sandy looks at him. he finally puts it on the floor. the security guards rush in to take it away, Marissa runs to Ryan) Marissa: (crying) I'm sorry (he hugs her) I'm so sorry Ryan: it's ok (Oliver is led out by the security guards, he's still upset. Marissa is crying on Ryan's shoulder and Ryan is holding her) CUT TO: The Cohen house - Seth and Anna are in the dining room and Kirsten just got off the phone in the living room Kirsten: (hangs up) Marissa's ok, her moms got her... an the police are taking Oliver to the hospital (stands up) I'm gonna clean up the pool house before they get here Seth: (getting up) I should give Summer a call Anna: what! why? Seth: to let her know Marissa's ok Anna: she doesn't know Marissa's not ok Seth: yeah but don't you think she would wanna know there best friends Anna: (getting up) you know what call her I'm leaving Seth: Anna wait, will you jus wait one second this huge thing just happened Anna: (yells) yeah an the first thing you do is decide to call Summer! (Seth doesn't say anything) come on Seth...look...I think your a great guy...but I'm not gonna stand here an pretend like I'm your girlfriend when I'm not...at least not anymore (softly) ill see you in school (Seth just stands there) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan comes in and Seth is on the bed reading, waiting for him Seth: hey, I was wondering where my copy of Kavalier an Klay went Ryan: (sighs) you gave it to me, you said I couldn't be your friend until I read it Seth: mm-hmm an have you Ryan: ben a little distracted Seth: well it's a good story Ryan (Ryan sits in the chair) it's the tale'a two young men who couldn't be more different but they learn'a overcome their differences they team up and essentially become brothers not unlike you an me...except that I blew it Ryan: (sighs) its ok Seth: no its not (moves to the edge of the bed) ever since the day you got here you 've totally had my back...an I just I promise you...from now on I will never fail you again...I am so sorry (Ryan makes an 'its ok' motion then sits forward and sighs) Seth: so do you wanna tell me about your night or shhh since I already heard about it could we jus skip to my break up with Anna Ryan: really? Anna broke up with you? Seth: now why would you just assume Anna broke up with me Ryan: Seth come on Seth: hmm what'does that mean (raises his eyebrows) Ryan: (stands) what, she didn't break up with you Seth: no she did, but your spose'ta have my back man...so uh-hm the three of us... (Ryan sits next to him on the bed and we fade out on them talking - awww)	Plan: A: Luke; Q: Who starts to see Oliver's true colors after he gets Ryan suspended? A: Marissa; Q: Who won't see Oliver's true colors? A: Anna confronts; Q: Who confronts Seth about his relationship with Summer? A: Kirsten; Q: Who does Caleb get to break up with Julie for him? Summary: Luke starts to see Oliver's true colors after he gets Ryan suspended, but Marissa won't see it. Anna confronts Seth about his relationship with Summer. Meanwhile, Caleb gets Kirsten to break up with Julie for him.
COHEN HOUSE SETH: Hi, man. RYAN: So, how'd it go? SANDY: He denied everything. Stopped by the office, picked up the drawing and left. KIRSTEN: Well, that's a good thing, except you don't believe him. SETH: I didn't know what to say. It was an accident, I swear. RYAN: All right, so tell your dad. SANDY: Ordinarily, of course, I'd believe him, you know that, but in light of these revelations about his recent behavior, I don't know. I think he's hiding something. SETH: Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that, I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out, and now your office fits into an ashtray. SANDY: The security camera in the garage has him as the last person to leave. KIRSTEN: But if he's telling the truth and you accuse him of lying... SANDY: Well, clearly I've disappointed him enough already. I don't need to give him any more ammo. SETH: Well, this is shaping up to be a hell of a graduation. I can't do hard time, Ryan. RYAN: Well, lying to Sandy Cohen, what's harder than that? SETH: I'm going to go to the car and get my iPod, listen to sad, depressing music for a change. RYAN: Which car? SETH: My mom's. RYAN: You know what, actually, I'll get it. SETH: It's okay. It's just in the garage. RYAN: Uh, no, it's not. I, uh, I parked on the street. I've been meaning to move it. I'll get it. STREET KEVIN: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. RYAN: What are you doing here, man? KEVIN: Look, I just bailed out of the car and ran. RYAN: Yeah, what about the cops? KEVIN: I think they got a good look at me. I-I can't go home. I've got to get out of town. RYAN: Yeah, well, have a nice trip. KEVIN: I need your help! I need your help, man. Okay? RYAN: I'm not gonna help you. I'm done helping you. KEVIN: I need some money. RYAN: I got graduation. My family's coming in tomorrow. KEVIN: You don't get it, do you? If I go down, you are going down with me. You know, and not on some assault charge, man. That was a $120,000 car we stole. RYAN: You stole. KEVIN: Yeah. Tell it to the cops. GENERIC HARBOR SUMMER: Or your mom, when she gets here. I'm sure she'll be real proud. I can't believe in a couple of hours we're going to be on that stage in our cap and gowns. TAYLOR: Well, except for Seth, who may be in an orange jumpsuit. SUMMER: Taylor! TAYLOR: Sorry, Summer. I'm just really nervous about my valedictorian speech. SUMMER: Well, look, it's not like Cohen got charged with anything. He didn't burn the entire building down. He just damaged a couple of offices. MARISSA: You know, it sounds like you're talking about Ryan. TAYLOR: Sounds like the smoldering passion we unleashed in Seth needed an outlet. SUMMER: Think again, Taylor. I don't think Cohen's the one that needs to get laid. TAYLOR: Au contraire, Summer. Have I told you about my after, after prom party with Sung Ho and Yung Nam? It was hot and spicy and let's just say I had my very own Korean barbecue. Bibimbap. MARISSA: Wow. SUMMER: I'm so off kimchi. JULIE: Marissa. MARISSA: Hey, Mom. Isn't it a bit early to be saving seats? JULIE: I brought you something. It's from Dad. A gift, maybe. Clearly he wanted you to have it for graduation. I just thought you might want it right away. MARISSA: Yeah. Yeah, thanks. JULIE: Okay. I'll see you in a bit. Bye, girls. SUMMER: Bye. TAYLOR: Bye. SUMMER: That was nice of him to think of you. MARISSA: Yeah. I'm gonna... COHEN HOUSE KIRSTEN: Dawn. DAWN: Kirsten. KIRSTEN: Come on in. DAWN: Oh, thank you. Thanks. Wow, seems like forever since I was last here. KIRSTEN: Give me your bags. DAWN: Of course, maybe I was just too drunk to remember. Kidding. I'm doing good. KIRSTEN: It seems that way. RYAN: Hey, Mom. DAWN: Graduate. RYAN: How are you doing? I'm glad you could make it. ROBERTS HOUSE KAITLIN: Gracias, Mima. NEIL: Well, Kaitlin. Hello. KAITLIN: Dr. Roberts. NEIL: We weren't expecting you. KAITLIN: Well, you know, since my grades went from B's to A's, I was actually wondering if you could change my A's to B's. NEIL: Yes, well, Kaitlin, I think that augmentation is something to be discussed with your mother-- when you're older. KAITLIN: Dude, I'm totally kidding. KAITLIN: I just love graduations. I thought I might stop by. JULIE: Kaitlin? Sweetie, hi. KAITLIN: Hi. JULIE: Is everything okay? KAITLIN: Totally. I figured it was a safe bet, you know, Dad wouldn't come here.So I thought maybe you'd have an extra seat. JULIE: Yeah, great, okay. KAITLIN: All right, well, I'm just going to go to the hot tub, because I am so stressed out, finals, you know. JULIE: Okay. NEIL: That's very nice of her to come home to support her sister. JULIE: Yeah. Really nice. COHEN HOUSE SETH: Father. SANDY: Son. SETH: Uh... I just wanted to make sure you had the camera charged for graduation. SANDY: I do. Although, you're going to have to explain to your nana the whole Ofoto concept. She's not so good with the Internet. SETH: Sure. And when they announce my name, uh, could you... not do that cheer you did for me when I won Capture The Flag at Parents' Weekend? Which cheer was that? SANDY: Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Check out my boy, Cohen. Can you believe how he's growin'? The competition away he's blowin'... SETH: That's the one. Please, don't do that. Ever. SANDY: Despite everything, we're still very proud of you. SETH: Yeah. Damn it. Why does Sandy Cohen have to be the best father ever? SANDY: This is too hard. SETH: Um, Dad, I smoked a joint. I forgot to put it out. That's what started the fire. SANDY: Well, I appreciate you coming clean. But what I can't forgive is... is all the lying. SETH: Yeah, I know. SANDY: You smoked dope, you didn't tell me the truth about Brown, and that you couldn't come to me. SETH: I was embarrassed. SANDY: What? We're your parents. You know, we specialize in embarrassing you. SETH: Yeah, I know. But I felt like I couldn't really talk to you, though. I tried to, a couple of times, but you're always so busy with work and I was afraid of upsetting Mom. SANDY: I understand that, and I'm sorry. Well, we both screwed up. SETH: We're both usually so awesome. SANDY: Well, this is still very serious, isn't it? A couple hundred of thousands of dollars worth of damage, and there's a few offices that have to be rebuilt, and I still need to speak to the police. SETH: Yeah, yeah, I figured. SANDY: But you know what? I don't want any of that standing in the way today. Because your mother and I have been looking forward to this moment for... forever. SETH: No cheer? SANDY: No cheer. How about a hug? SETH: Sure. Thanks, Dad. SANDY: I love you, kid. SETH: I can't say "I love you" to another man. But I have much affection for you, as well. HARBOR SUMMER: Hey. MARISSA: Hey. SUMMER: Everything okay? MARISSA: Can you sit? SUMMER: Okay. Well, how's your dad? MARISSA: Really good, actually. He's not getting beat up by anyone right now, and he's not in charge of anyone's money, so... SUMMER: That's good. MARISSA: He's actually sailing really, really nice boats for rich people. SUMMER: Sounds like fun. MARISSA: I know, that's what I thought. SUMMER: Oh, you want to, like, rent a yacht? We totally should. MARISSA: More like work on one. See, my dad is captain of this yacht that's sailing to the Greek Islands, and he says they need extra crew members. So he asked me if I wanted to go. SUMMER: You don't know how to sail boats. MARISSA: This would be more like, you know, peeling potatoes, washing dishes. SUMMER: Oh, yes, much more in your area of expertise. MARISSA: Yeah, but it's just for a year. SUMMER: What about college? MARISSA: What about college? I'm not meant for college. Not now, anyway. You guys are all leaving, I'm going to be stuck here alone. I need a new life. I need a change. SUMMER: Well, scrubbing decks would definitely be a change. MARISSA: Then it's kind of the perfect graduation present. And you know, this way, I can hang out with my dad. He seems to have turned it around. SUMMER: When would you leave? MARISSA: Well... that's the only thing. The boat is supposed to leave Hawaii middle of the week, so I'd have to fly out tomorrow night. My dad also kind of included the plane ticket. SUMMER: If you promise to sail up to Rhode Island, I'm in. I love you. MARISSA: Love you, too. PICK-UP HEATHER: Wherever you're going, hopefully, they have a Laundromat. KEVIN: What about the cops? HEATHER: I didn't see them. Maybe you're just being paranoid. KEVIN: No... I just, I got to get out of here, you know? I'm just waiting for some cash. HEATHER: You could make that money in no time. If you want to go, go. Unless it's not money you're waiting for. KEVIN: Get in; let's go. HEATHER: You're still thinking about Marissa, aren't you? I mean, you cheated on her, and now you can't stop thinking about her. KEVIN: I asked you for clothes, okay? Not opinions. HEATHER: God, you chicks and your opinions, man. So this girl's the best thing that's ever happened to you. You freaked out, ruined it, and now you regret it. You know, you can walk. KEVIN: And now what? HEATHER: You think that you're gonna convince her to go to Mexico? HARBOR SETH: This is it, dude. Never going to have to step foot in this stupid school or this stupid student lounge again. RYAN: Nostalgic already, huh? SETH: Never going to have to see any of these shoe-peeing, shallow, water polo playing... BOY: Get out of my way, geek. What is that, a dress? SETH: It's a graduation gown; you're wearing one, too. BOY: Queer admitted to wearing a gown. SUMMER: Hey. You guys look so cute. Is everything okay at home? SETH: Sandy Cohen and I got a little man-boy love going. MARISSA: Hey. RYAN: Hey. KIM: Graduates, let's step outside for the processional. MARISSA: Ryan, can I talk to you for a sec? RYAN: Sure, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] MARISSA: So what do you think? You think it's the stupidest idea ever, right? RYAN: No, I, uh, it sounds great. It's what you need. MARISSA: That means a lot to me. You know, who would have thought you'd be going to college? RYAN: And you'd be doing manual labor. Well, everyone's doing exactly what they need to. MARISSA: Yeah. RYAN: Hey, um, this is going to sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? I mean, you were the first person I met here. I'd kind of like to be the last person to say good-bye. MARISSA: You know, it's funny. I was going to ask you the same thing. [SCENE_BREAK] RYAN: Hey. Let's go graduate. Come on, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] TAYLOR: They say there's no one older than a high school senior, but no one younger than a college freshman. Well, I guess now we'll find out as we begin our journey. KIM: Daniel Aaron. Ryan Atwood. TAYLOR: But as Cicero said... "I hope the memory of our friendship will be everlasting." KIM: Seth Cohen. SANDY: All right, Sethie! KIM: Marissa Cooper. SUMMER: Yeah! TAYLOR: And just because we're leaving Harbor, does not mean that our learning is done. "We must learn as long as we may live." KIM: Alex Pittabis. Summer Roberts. TAYLOR: But if I could leave you all with one final word of advice... "Don't let the bastards get you down." Thank you. SANDY: Hey, come on back in. Come on, let's get together. KIM: And it has been my pleasure to teach you, to watch you grow, and now enter the world Good luck. It is my honor to present to you the Harbor School Class of 2006. RESTAURANT SANDY: There's no such thing as a little racist. Excuse me, forgive me, but I'm a very proud father, and I, I want to say a few words. I think I can speak for Kirsten and the other parents here tonight when I tell you kids how thrilled we are to share this wonderful touchstone with you. I know the last few years have been... There's been tragedy and comedy and first loves and broken hearts and family members lost and found. It hasn't all been perfect, but we're all family here. So, cheers. EVERYONE: Cheers. SETH: Hey, the speech wasn't that moving. SUMMER: No, it's just so sad, you know. I mean, it's all over. No more Harbor. Atwood's going to Berkeley, Marissa's sailing around the world. I'm going to Rhode Island. SETH: Well, I'll be there, too. SUMMER: We don't know that yet. We haven't heard from RISD. SETH: Whatever happens, you know, we'll make it work. SUMMER: We will? SETH: Yeah, of course. SUMMER: Sweet. SETH: Are you going to do this all summer? [SCENE_BREAK] MARISSA: Hey. Um, can I talk to you? JULIE: Yes, of course. Oh! I have to give you your graduation gift. Honey, what's wrong? MARISSA: I kind of have some big news. JULIE:Sweetie, I know. MARISSA: You know? JULIE: Your father called me last week, ran the idea by me, wanted to know what I thought. MARISSA: And what do you think? JULIE: I think that I will miss you terribly and that if you really want to leave, I need to let you go. KAITLIN: I knew about it, too. MARISSA: You did? JULIE: You did? KAITLIN: Mm-hmm. Dad, he called me. Threw the idea by me, asked my opinion and also told me that you might need another daughter to worry about. So that's why I decided to come home... for good. JULIE: Oh, my God. Cooper family hug, come on. Mom. Come on. KAITLIN: Okay. JULIE: Oh, your gift, here. Don't know how much good it'll be on a boat. MARISSA: Oh, Mom, it's beautiful. JULIE: Maybe you'll get attacked by pirates. You can barter it. PARKING RYAN: So where are we going, huh? DAWN: Just trust me. RYAN: I trust you, but... What? You got me a car? You got me a car? You got me a car?! DAWN: Do you like it? RYAN: I love it... I love it. Are you kidding? How did you... DAWN: Oh, I've been saving up for a little while, and Ron, um, my boyfriend, he knows this guy who restores old cars, and so that helped pay for a lot of the parts. I got the bow. RYAN: Car and bow-- amazing. I-I don't know what to say. DAWN: Come here. You want to drive me home in your new ride? RYAN: Sure. Yeah. DAWN: Okay, I'll get my purse. RYAN: Okay. RESTAURANT SUMMER: And... Here. TAYLOR: Hi, guys. SUMMER: Hey. TAYLOR: So I just stopped by to say farewell. SUMMER: You're leaving for the Sorbonne already? TAYLOR: Oh, no, not quite. Sung Ho and I decided to spend the summer in his family's village. We're defusing land mines in the DMZ. SETH: That's the way to spend your summer vacation. SIMMER: But what about the after grad party when you already planned it? TAYLOR: As a gift to the Class of 2006. So my work here is done. It has been a pleasure being second-circle corps. SETH: I think you can join the inner circle. TAYLOR: I can? Oh, my God. The Fab Five! SUMMER: I'm so happy and so sad. TAYLOR: I know, me, too! SETH: This is awkward. I was sort of kidding about that inner circle thing. [SCENE_BREAK] MARISSA: Hello? KEVIN: Hey, it's me. MARISSA: Why are you calling me? KEVIN: Look, I'm really sorry, okay? And I want to make it up to you. So I got a plan. MARISSA: Oh, yeah? Well, I've got a plan, too. It's called never seeing you again. KEVIN: Look, if I don't get a chance to see you, then I'm gonna make life real bad for your friend Ryan. MARISSA: Don't threaten me... or Ryan. KEVIN: No, no, no, it's not a threat. KEVIN: Ask him about the car that we stole. RYAN'S CAR SUMMER: This is cool. RYAN: Yeah, yeah, it's a gift from my mom. MARISSA: Oh, yeah? So it's not the one you stole? Volchok called me. RYAN: Look, the whole thing is... MARISSA: Complicated? What does he want? Money to get out of town. And do you have this money? RYAN: Not yet, but... MARISSA: Then let me help you. RYAN: No, it's all right, I got it. MARISSA: Ryan, I brought Volchok on us. It's only fair I help get rid of him. Come on, we're in this together, okay? One last time. RYAN: One last time. COHEN HOUSE DAWN: Thanks so much. I mean it. KIRSTEN: You're welcome. DAWN: For everything. SANDY: Here, here, here, for the cab. DAWN: Oh, God, no. SANDY: Oh, come on. DAWN: No, I got it. SANDY: All right. DAWN: Thank you. SANDY: Thank you. RYAN: Okay. SANDY: Good to see you. RYAN: My turn. DAWN: Okay? RYAN: Okay. DAWN: I'm gonna try and say good-bye without losing it. RYAN: Why don't we just not say good-bye? How about, see you soon? DAWN: See you soon. RYAN: See you soon? DAWN: See you soon, babe. RYAN: All right. DAWN: I love you. RYAN: I love you, too. DAWN: Hey, Seth. Good to see you again. SETH: Good to see you, too. It means a lot that you made it down. I was being sincere. DAWN: Okay, so... RYAN: And thanks again for the car. DAWN: You bet. SETH: Ryan got a car? Really? I been waiting three years for a car. I'm supposed to be the spoiled one. DAWN: See you, kid. RYAN: All right. Bye. MARISSA'S ROOM JULIE: Hey, Marissa, easy on the bass. Oh. Kaitlin. What are you doing? Where's your sister? KAITLIN: Oh, Marissa went to go rendez-vous with Ryan. JULIE: And you thought you'd do some renovations for her? KAITLIN: Well, yeah, she said I could have her room. JULIE: And there's some paint chips in the kitchen if you want to go look. Oh, is this going to be a permanent fixture? KAITLIN: Well, I worked really hard on that. It seems like you and Marissa are on good terms now. JULIE: Yeah, figures. KAITLIN: Just as she's about to set sail. It's pretty cool that you're letting her go. JULIE: It's pretty cool that you came back so she can leave. KAITLIN: Well, I don't love Marissa that much. It's just, all the older kids, they just see me as Marissa's little sister, and they've graduated. And now I can rule Harbor. RYAN'S CAR MARISSA: Hey. Your mom left, huh? It went well? RYAN: Yeah, really well. MARISSA: Well, now we get this out of the way, we'll have nothing left to worry about. RYAN: Mm, nah, I won't know what to do with myself. MARISSA: Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out. RYAN: You sure your mom's not going to be too offended? MARISSA: Well, I feel bad, but she did say I could use it to barter with pirates. This seems to fit the bill. RYAN: Yeah, definitely. MARISSA: So I'll navigate us to the pawn shop. RYAN: No, I'll go. Just give me the directions. MARISSA: Hey, I thought we decided I was coming along. I'm going to handle this myself. RYAN: Okay, if you come, you're staying in the car. MARISSA: Aww, you know what? RYAN: What? MARISSA: I'm really going to miss you bossing me around. RYAN: You'll get used to it. MARISSA: Nope, nope. RYAN: Yes, you will. MARISSA: For the rest of my life, I'm just gonna be sad about it. SANDY'S EX-OFFICE JASON: Hey, uh... SANDY: Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. JASON: Look, if you came to haggle me on the Ramirez plea, forget about it. I'm up to my ass in unhappy ADAs. SANDY: No, no, I'm just passing through. JASON: What, did you come to admire the wainscoting? SADY: This is my old office. JASON: You're Sandy Cohen? SANDY: My reputation proceeds me? JASON: Well, self-righteous, arrogant and a little nutso? SANDY: I see that it does. JASON: Jason Spitz. SANDY: Nice to meet you. JASON: Nice to meet you. You're a legend. Hey, not to mention, I heard about your post-victory karaoke bar performances. SANDY: Defend the poor, sing the classics. I had a reputation and a routine. JASON: Hey, didn't you go to some high-powered, private firm? SANDY: Oh, for a minute, then I went into the private sector, into big business. JASON: Why'd you want to leave this dump? Long hours, no pay... Not to mention the worst coffee in Southern California. SANDY: Believe it or not, working here were the best days of my life. JASON: Yeah, right. GREG: Grass is always greener, coffee's always fresher. GREG: Sandy Cohen. SANDY: Greg. GREG: Back at the PD's office, huh? SANDY: Thanks for meeting me here on neutral ground. GREG: You ready to talk? SANDY: Yeah. Spitz. JASON: Nice meeting you. SANDY: Hey, what are they asking for? Come on, with a B&E with no priors? You've got to be kidding me. SETH'S ROOM SETH: Come in. KIRSTEN: Hey. What are you doing? SETH: In my third month on this book. I'm hoping to have it finished by fall. KIRSTEN: It's hard to believe you're done with school. You're not a kid anymore. SETH: Well, let's be honest, I was never very kid-like. KIRSTEN: You always were an old soul. SETH: Mom, I want you to know... KIRSTEN: You don't have to apologize. I think that fire was the best thing that could have happened. SETH: Well, then, I did it on purpose. KIRSTEN: Your father's talking to the lawyers, and hopefully, you'll be free and clear. SETH: Okay, good. I just have to wait and hear from RISD. KIRSTEN: Speaking of which, I think there's some mail that you might be interested in. SOMEWHERE RYAN: Again, I think the pearls would have looked good on you. KEVIN: Yeah, you're a funny kid. You got the money? RYAN: Yep. Maybe you can use it to start over. KEVIN: Thanks, Ranger Rick, but save your speeches for the Boy Scouts. "Ranger Rick." Ow, that hurts. RYAN: Whatever, man. We're done. KEVIN: We're not done yet, man. I just want to talk to her. RYAN: Send her a postcard. KEVIN: Marissa? Come on... RYAN: Drive, drive. Let's go. Lets' go! KEVIN: I just want to talk to you, okay? Wait. Wait! I just want to talk to you. Don't... Wait! MARISSA'S ROOM JULIE: Hey, honey. So I guess this is it, huh? MARISSA: Yeah. I guess so. JULIE: Marissa, I just want you to know that everything I ever did- good, bad or otherwise-- I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn't perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke, and trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide... MARISSA: Mom. I love you. Okay, just know that. JULIE: Oh, sweetheart, that's all I wanted. I love you, too. MARISSA: Besides, you know the strength it takes to start over? To go out on my own? That has to come from being Julie Cooper's daughter. JULIE: I am spirited, aren't I? MARISSA: Yeah. KAITLIN: Hey. Ryan and Seth are here. MARISSA: All right, um... I guess I better go. You've got to promise to keep things interesting for Mom next year, okay? KAITLIN: Oh, that won't be a problem. JULIE: Wait. One more Cooper family hug. [SCENE_BREAK] MARISSA: Coop, do you know where this party is? I think it's in the flower streets, but it could be in the number streets. SUMMER: I'll check the e-vite. SETH: May I ask a question? Why are we going to another lame Harbor party? RYAN: Yeah, it is Marissa's last night in town. SUMMER: Yeah. We always wind up just talking to each other. RYAN: All right, so, uh, Bait Shop, uh, diner... MARISSA: Wait, I know somewhere where we could go. But you'll have to follow in your car. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: It's a little something, just because I love you. KIRSTEN: Uh-oh. Flowers usually means bad news. SANDY: Oh, ye of little faith. No, I spoke to the DA, came clean about the accident, and since we're not gonna press charges, the whole thing will blow over. KIRSTEN: And then it's back to the Newport Group, business as usual? SANDY: Well... how about not? I went back to my old office, the place looked worse than ever. The guy in there was beaten down, exhausted... Oh, it was a thing of beauty. KIRSTEN: You want to go back. SANDY: Where are the kids? MARISSA: At some party. And then Ryan's taking Marissa to the airport. SANDY: Oh. So this is what it'll be like all next year, huh? Empty nest. KIRSTEN: What does one do in an empty nest? SANDY: Oh, I have a few ideas. MODEL HOME RYAN: Okay, this, uh, this looks familiar. MARISSA: Yeah? Well, it shouldn't. They rebuilt it completely after you burnt it down. SETH: Model home. MARISSA: Yep. It's for sale. And it's completely deserted. [SCENE_BREAK] SUMMER: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here? MARISSA: I definitely never would have talked to Seth. SUMMER: Oh, hell, no. Me, either. RYAN: See? You owe me one, buddy. SETH: Me? She'd still be dating a dude who shaves his chest. SUMMER: I can't believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. No offense. RYAN: None taken, biatch. MARISSA: It was only until you found out he was from Chino. SUMMER: Exactly. RYAN: You actually invited me to Holly's Beach House. SUMMER: Oh, my God. SETH: You said she invited me. I'm not faring well on this trip down memory lane. MARISSA: Well, as fun as it usually is making fun of Seth, I think it's time I should go. SETH: Aw, here come the waterworks. SUMMER: I can't believe that I'm saying bye to you. MARISSA: I know. SUMMER: I love you so much. MARISSA: I love you, too. SUMMER: You're my best friend forever, okay? And if you wind up hooking up with some hot Greek shipping heir, I'm so your maid of honor. MARISSA: I know. See ya. SETH: All right, see you later. SUMMER: You guys, hug. SETH: All right. MARISSA: Bye. I've got to get changed. RYAN: All right, see you in a while. SUMMER: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] RYAN: You okay? MARISSA: Yeah. RYAN: It's so weird talking about that night. Last time we were here, I was leaving, and now you are. MARISSA: That night... did you ever think we'd end up together? RYAN: You saying it's over? You never know. Right? MARISSA: I'm sorry... for all the craziness. RYAN: I wouldn't have done it any differently. Except maybe Oliver. MARISSA: Me, too. KEVIN'S CAR HEATHER: Okay, we had fun times stalking rich kids. Maybe I should drive? KEVIN: No. SETH'S ROOM SUMMER: Whoa, what is this? SETH: Your graduation present. SUMMER: Oh, my God, it's a 60-inch high-def flat screen. SETH: Uh, maybe... SUMMER: It's empty. SETH: No, it's not. SUMMER: Ow. What is this? "Dear Mr. Cohen, while your application arrived too late for our fall semester, we are happy to announce that your application has been approved." You got in! SETH: Yeah. I start in January. Let me just say again how sorry I am for messing up the college thing and lying to you and hurting you and you know... SUMMER: Hey. Look, it's okay, 'cause everything happened the way it was supposed to. SETH: Well, then I did it on purpose. SUMMER: Okay. So I'll go to Rhode Island, and I'll get the lay of the land. SETH: Yeah, then we'll have Thanksgiving, Christmas, then we'll be together. SUMMER: I think I'm going to cry again. SETH: Uh, tears of joy? SUMMER: Come on, thanks for letting me in your box. SETH: What are we doing? RYAN'S CAR RYAN: Are you, uh, you okay? You ready for this? MARISSA: I have no idea. What about you? I mean, you're the one who's leaving the Cohens, doing the college thing. RYAN: I'm terrified. MARISSA: Me, too. RYAN: So if you ever want to talk or email, if they have that... I don't how boats work, you know... MARISSA: I'll find a way to stay in touch. What's that? RYAN: It's this guy; he's been following me. Go ahead, go ahead, pass! What is he doing? MARISSA: What the hell? RYAN: All right, hold on. MARISSA: Whoa! Oh, my God, it's him. What are you doing?! Oh, my God! Okay, pull over! RYAN: Where?! MARISSA: Stop! What the hell are you doing?! KEVIN: I'm gonna get him to pull the car over, so we can finally finish this! MARISSA: Get away, okay! You're gonna make us crash! KEVIN: Pull over! Stop it! MARISSA: Ryan, look out! They crashed. RYAN: Marissa. Marissa. Marissa. Marissa. Marissa. Marissa. MARISSA: Ryan. RYAN: Okay. Okay. Okay, I'm going to get help, okay? MARISSA: No, don't leave. RYAN: Yeah, yeah. I've got to get help. MARISSA: No. Stay. D-Don't leave. RYAN: Okay. Hold on. Hold on, okay? Okay? Hold on. Hold on. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay... Marissa. Marissa. Marissa. She dies in Ryan's arms.	Plan: A: Marissa; Q: Who receives an unexpected proposal from Jimmy? A: her future plans; Q: What does Marissa's proposal from Jimmy change? A: Dawn; Q: Who returns to Newport to support Ryan on his graduation? A: Volchok's threat; Q: What makes it hard for Dawn to support Ryan on his graduation? A: his recent behavior; Q: What does Seth come clean about? A: Summer; Q: Who faces the prospect of going away without Seth? A: Kaitlin; Q: Who decides to enroll in Harbor? A: his old job; Q: What does Sandy want to return to? Summary: Marissa receives an unexpected proposal from Jimmy that may change her future plans. Dawn returns to Newport to support Ryan on his graduation, but Volchok's threat might make it hard. Seth comes clean about his recent behavior. Summer faces the prospect of going away without Seth. Meanwhile, Kaitlin returns to Newport and decides to enroll in Harbor, and Sandy yearns for a return to his old job.
Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank. Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved it will, however, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits. Leonard: Agreed, what's your point? Sheldon: There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a tee-shirt. Leonard (to receptionist): Excuse me? Receptionist (pondering a crossword): Hang on. (Long pause) Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is... move your finger... phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti. Receptionist: Can I help you? Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the... High IQ sperm bank? Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here. Sheldon: I think this is the place. Receptionist: Fill these out. Leonard: Thank-you. We'll be right back. Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait. (They sit and begin to fill in forms). Sheldon: Leonard, I don't think I can do this. Leonard: What, are you kidding? You're a semi-pro. Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers. Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment. Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there's some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve. Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him. Sheldon: I wouldn't. Leonard: Well, what do you want to do? Sheldon: I want to leave. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: What's the protocol for leaving? Leonard: I don't know, I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before. Sheldon: Let's try just walking out. Leonard: Okay. (They slowly put down their forms, get up, and head towards the door.) Receptionist (not looking up): Bye. Together: Bye-bye/see you. Scene: The stairs of the apartment building. Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank? Leonard: No. Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs? Leonard: Not really. Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, people will trip. Leonard: I don't care. Two millimetres? That doesn't seem right. Sheldon: No, it's true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle. Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school? Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers. (Leonard spots Penny in the doorway of the apartment opposite. He is immediately interested.) Leonard: New neighbour? Sheldon: Evidently. Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour. Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is. Penny (noticing them for the first time): Oh, hi! Leonard: Hi. Sheldon: Hi. Leonard: Hi. Sheldon: Hi. Penny: Hi? Leonard: We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall. Penny: Oh, that's nice. Leonard: Oh... uh... no... we don't live together... um... we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms. Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbour, Penny. Leonard: Leonard, (pointing) Sheldon. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hi. Sheldon: Hi. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hi. Well... uh... oh, welcome to the building. Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime. Leonard: Oh, great. Penny: Great. Sheldon: Great. Leonard: Great. Well, bye. Penny: Bye. Sheldon: Bye. Leonard: Bye. (Penny closes door.) Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch? Sheldon: No. We're going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica. Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs. Sheldon: Not with commentary. Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome. Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over. Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle. Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them. Sheldon: That's the beauty of it. Leonard: I'm going to invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat. Sheldon: Chat? We don't chat. At least not offline. Leonard: Well it's not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response. (He knocks on Penny's door). Sheldon: To what end? (Penny opens door). Leonard: Hi. Again. Penny: Hi. Sheldon: Hi. Leonard: Hi. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to that, uh, a clean colon is just... one less thing to worry about. Sheldon: Leonard, I'm not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements. Penny: Oh, you're inviting me over to eat? Leonard: Uh, yes. Penny: Oh, that's so nice, I'd love to. Leonard: Great. Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here? Sheldon: Well, today we tried mstrbtng for money. Credits sequence. Scene: Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home. Penny: Okay, thankyou. Leonard: You're very welcome. (Sheldon pulls a face). Penny (looking at whiteboard): This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this? Sheldon: Actually that's my work. Penny: Wow. Sheldon: Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics, a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke, it's a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation. Penny: So you're like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys. Sheldon: Yeah. Penny: This is really impressive. Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board. Penny: Holy smokes. Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure. Leonard: What? Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below "here I sit broken hearted?" Leonard: At least I didn't have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. Sheldon: I didn't invent, they're there. Leonard: In what universe? Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point. Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start? Sheldon: Um, Penny, that's where I sit. Penny: So, sit next to me. Sheldon: No, I sit there. Penny: What's the difference? Sheldon: What's the difference? Leonard: Here we go. Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I've made my point. Penny: Do you want me to move? Sheldon: Well.... Leonard (to Sheldon): Just sit somewhere else. Sheldon (after hesitation): Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.) Leonard: Sheldon, sit! (he does). Sheldon (fake voice): Aaah! Leonard: Well this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over. Sheldon: That's not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. Leonard: Yes I now, but... Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning. Leonard: Yes, I remember. Sheldon: I resent you saying we don't have company. Leonard: I'm sorry. Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication. Leonard: I said I'm sorry. Penny: So... Klingon boggle? Leonard: Yeah, it's like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That's probably enough about us, tell us about you. Penny: Um, me, okay, I'm Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know. Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality. Penny: Participate in the what? Leonard: I think what Sheldon's trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess. Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign. Okay, let's see, what else, oh, I'm a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak. Sheldon: That's interesting. Leonard can't process corn. Leonard: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job? Penny: Oh, yeah, I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake. Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant. Leonard: I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea. Penny: Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: So it's based on your life? Penny: No, I'm from Omaha. Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it. Penny: I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? Um, that's about it. That's the story of Penny. Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful. Penny: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk. (Bursts into tears). Sheldon (mouths): What's happening. Leonard (mouths back): I don't know. Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that's like as long as High School. Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School? Leonard: Don't. Penny: I just, I can't believe I trusted him (Jumps up and runs to kitchen. Sheldon immediately jumps into her seat.) Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something. Sheldon: You? No, you'll only make it worse. Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: No, it's not crazy it's, uh, it's a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. (Penny just looks at him. To Sheldon) Well, I didn't make it worse. Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, and on top of everything else I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work. Leonard: Our shower works. Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: No. Sheldon: No? Leonard: No. Sheldon: No. Leonard: It's right down the hall. Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet. (She leaves in direction of bathroom.) Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development. Leonard: How so? Sheldon: It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment. Leonard: That's not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode. Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn't want to rip our eyes out. Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey. Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here? Leonard: Excuse me? Sheldon: That woman in there's not going to have sx with you. Leonard: Well I'm not trying to have sx with her. Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won't be disappointed. Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn't have sx with me, I'm a male and she's a female? Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species. Leonard: I'm not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I'm just trying to be a good neighbour. Sheldon: Oh, of course. Leonard: That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate. However briefly. Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo? Leonard: It's Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker's the conditioner. (Opens door. Enter Howard and Raj.) Howard: Wait till you see this. Raj: It's fantastic. Unbelievable. Leonard: See what? Howard (putting a DVD in the machine): It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974. Leonard: This is not a good time. Howard (putting on a Stephen Hawking voice): It's before he became a creepy computer voice:. Leonard: That's great, you guys have to go. Raj: Why? Leonard: It's just not a good time. Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over. Howard: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town? Leonard: No. And she's not a lady, she's just a new neighbour. Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here? Leonard: Uh-huh. Howard: And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus? Leonard: I'm not anticipating coitus. Howard: So she's available for coitus? Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus? Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus. Penny (entering wrapped in a towel): Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello! Howard: Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs. Penny: Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower. Howard: Bon douche. Penny: I'm sorry? Howard: It's French for good shower. It's a sentiment I can express in six languages. Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard. Howard: See-ka-tong-guay-jow. Scene: In the bathroom. Leonard (fiddling with the water outlet): Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I'm sorry. Penny (stepping into shower): Okay. Thanks. Leonard: You're welcome, oh, you're going to step right, okay, I'll.... Penny: Hey, Leonard? Leonard: The hair products are Sheldon's. Penny: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour. Leonard: A favour? Sure, you can ask me a favour, I would do you a favour for you. Penny: It's okay if you say no. Leonard: Oh, I'll probably say yes. Penny: It's just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you've just met. Leonard: Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard's car Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here. Leonard: Must we? Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events? Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon. Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause. Leonard: Which is? Sheldon: You think with your pen1s. Leonard: That's a biological impossibility and you didn't have to come. Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can't she get her own TV. Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups. Sheldon: No I don't. And neither do you. Leonard: Wuh... I... I broke up with Joyce Kim. Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea. Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him. Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him? Leonard: No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene. There's two of us and one of him. Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can't even carry a TV. Scene: Back at the apartment. Penny (to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University? (Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful). Penny: Uh, I'm sorry, do you speak English? Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women. Penny: Really, why? Howard: He's kind of a nerd. Juice box? Scene: Outside Penny's old apartment building. Leonard (pushes buzzer): I'll do the talking. Voice from buzzer: Yeah. Leonard: Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon. Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: What did I just.... Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV. Voice: Get lost. Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time. Leonard: We're not going to give up just like that. Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done. Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang. Sheldon: My apologies. What's your plan. (Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.) Sheldon: It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work. Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building. (Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.) Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is? Leonard: Just grab the door. Scene: Outside Penny's ex-boyfriend's apartment. Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) I'll do the talking. Sheldon: Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle. (Door opens. Enormous man is stood there.) Enormous man: Yeah? Leonard: I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon. Sheldon: From the intercom. Man: How the hell did you get in the building? Leonard: Oh. We're scientists. Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ. Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers. Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard: What? Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants. Leonard: I'm sorry. Sheldon: You're going to have to call her. Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard's building. Leonard: Sheldon, I'm so sorry I dragged you through this. Sheldon: It's okay. It wasn't my first pantsing, and it won't be my last. Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sx. Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants. Leonard: Anyway, I've learned my lesson. She's out of my league, I'm done with her, I've got my work, one day I'll win the Nobel Prize and then I'll die alone. Sheldon: Don't think like that, you're not going to die alone. Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you're a good friend. Sheldon: And you're certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize. Scene: Inside Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Howard (on laptop): This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale. Penny: Wow, cool tiger. Howard: Yeah, I've had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest. Penny: Uh, sounds interesting. Howard: So you'll think about it? Penny: Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it. Raj: Smooth. Leonard (entering with Sheldon): We're home. Penny: Oh, my God, what happened? Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory. Penny: I'm so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass. Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis. Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you? Penny (hugging them both): Really, thank you so much for going and trying you're, uh, you're so terrific. Why don't you put some clothes on, I'll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay? Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon: Thank you. (Penny leaves.) You're not done with her, are you? Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful. Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary. Scene: All five in Leonard's car. Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny? Penny: Sure. Sheldon: We can't have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch. Penny: So? Sheldon: They're both curry based cuisines. Penny: So? Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we're going to have to spell out everything for this girl. Penny: Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.) Howard: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke. Penny: That sounds like fun. Howard (sings): Baby, baby don't get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don't get hooked on me. Sheldon (to Leonard): I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable Mack Daddy. (Leonard grins. Fade out as Howard continues to sing.)	Plan: A: an unsuccessful visit; Q: What happened to Leonard and Sheldon at the high-IQ sperm bank? A: Leonard Hofstadter; Q: Who is the doctor who is infatuated with Penny? A: Sheldon; Q: Who thinks Leonard is chasing a dream he will never catch? A: aspiring actress Penny; Q: Who is the new neighbor of Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and Dr. Sheldon Cooper? A: his and Sheldon's apartment; Q: Where does Leonard invite Penny to for Indian food? A: their shower; Q: What does Penny ask to use at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment? A: hers; Q: What shower is broken when Penny visits Leonard and Sheldon? A: a towel; Q: What is Penny wrapped in while she uses Leonard's shower? A: Howard Wolowitz; Q: Who is the wannabe ladies' man who tries to hit on Penny? A: Rajesh Koothrappali; Q: Who is unable to speak to Penny because he suffers from selective mutism? A: women; Q: Rajesh Koothrappali is mute in the presence of what? A: TV; Q: What item does Leonard agree to retrieve for Penny from her ex-boyfriend Kurt? A: 360; Q: What is Leonard and Sheldon's combined IQ? A: dinner; Q: What does Penny offer to take the guys to after they return without pants or TV? A: a friendship; Q: What does Penny's offer to take the guys out to dinner initiate? Summary: After an unsuccessful visit to the high-IQ sperm bank , Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and Dr. Sheldon Cooper return home to find aspiring actress Penny is their new neighbor across the hall from their apartment. Sheldon thinks Leonard, who is immediately interested in her, is chasing a dream he will never catch. Leonard invites Penny to his and Sheldon's apartment for Indian food, where she asks to use their shower since hers is broken. While wrapped in a towel, she gets to meet their visiting friends Howard Wolowitz , a wannabe ladies' man who tries to hit on her, and Rajesh Koothrappali , who is unable to speak to her as he suffers from selective mutism in the presence of women. Leonard is so infatuated with Penny that, after helping her use their shower, he agrees to retrieve her TV from her ex-boyfriend Kurt . However, Kurt's physical superiority overwhelms Leonard's and Sheldon's combined IQ of 360, and they return without pants or TV. Penny, feeling bad, offers to take the guys out to dinner, initiating a friendship with them.
Prologue: A dark chapel. Dozens of candles on several tall iron candleholders are standing around the chamber. An altar stands at one end. Upon it sits the high demon D'Hoffryn. Kneeling before him on a small rug is Anya, she who was Anyanka, once demon but now doomed to be mortal, pleading her case. D'Hoffryn: (resolutely) Do not ask again. Anya: (shocked) But... But I... D'Hoffryn: (sternly interrupts) Your powers were a gift of the lower beings. You have proved unworthy of them. Anya: I was robbed of them. D'Hoffryn: By your carelessness. Anya: (dramatically) For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. (disgustedly) And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. (despondently) Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math. D'Hoffryn: (dismissingly) This is no concern of ours. You will live out your mortal life and die. Anya: (pleadingly) Give me another chance. You can fold the fabric of time. Send me back to that place and I'll change it. I won't fail again. D'Hoffryn: Your time is passed. Anya: (desperately) Do you have any idea how boring twelfth graders are? (stands up) I'm getting my power center back. (defiantly) And if you won't help me, then, by the pestilent gods, I will find someone who will! Cut to Sunnydale High. Willow is lying on a grassy area, concentrating hard. Soon a pencil floats up into view and starts to slowly turn end over end. Willow smiles at her successful levitation. Beside her, Buffy does sit-ups. Buffy: The Watcher Council shrink is heavy into tests. He's got tests for everything. T.A.T.s, Rorschach, associative logic... (grunts and sits up) He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or you ever wanted to be a florist. Willow: (looks over at Buffy) Ooo, I used to want... (reconsiders) Wait. Florist means crazy, right? (turns back to her pencil) I never wanted to do that. Buffy does some stretching exercises while she watches the pencil as well. Buffy: (smiles, impressed) Neat. Willow: (grins) Thanks. It's all about emotional control. Plus, obviously, magic. (looks at Buffy, giddily) Hey, you wanna go to the Espresso Pump and get sugared up on mochas? Buffy: I'm gonna pass. Hit the pool and do some laps. Willow: (bewildered) How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff? (smiles and giggles) Buff buff. Buffy: Well, they've got us running around on the physical side, too. A lot of reflex evaluation and precision training, you know. I-I just... Well, I-I wanna do... Willow: (smiles knowingly) Better than Faith? Buffy: (embarrassed) So very shallow. Willow: (sits up) Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych tests. Just don't mark the box that says, 'I sometimes like to kill people.' Buffy: (ruefully) I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but... she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me. Willow: (shakes her head) No way. Some people just don't have that in them. Buffy: (apologetically) Look, I'm sorry. I-I know how you hate talking about Faith. Willow: No, it's okay. Buffy: No, really, we should just... (glances at the pencil) Willow: No. I-it doesn't bother me. I mean it. Buffy: (notices the pencil) Uh, Will? Willow: (looks at it) Oh. The pencil is spinning wildly. An instant later it darts off and buries itself deeply into a tree. Willow gives Buffy a concerned look. Buffy: Emotional control? Willow: (abashed) I'm working on it. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Cut to Principal Snyder's office. He stands at the door, hands in pockets, looking with great satisfaction at Willow and Percy West, who are seated facing his desk. Snyder: As far as I'm concerned, this is a marriage made in heaven. (takes off his jacket) Willow Rosenberg, despite her unsavory associations, (hangs it on the coat rack) represents the pinnacle of academic achievement at Sunnydale High. (strolls up to them) Percy West represents a devastating fast break (puts his hand on Percy's shoulder) and 50% from behind the three-point line. (goes around his desk to his chair) Willow: (confused) I-I'm not sure I understand the marriage part. (glances at Percy) Snyder: (indicates Willow) You've got the brains, (indicates Percy) he's got the fast break. (brings his hands together) It's a perfect match. Willow: (very confused) Match? (double-takes at Percy) You want us to breed? Snyder: I want you to tutor him. (sits) Percy is flunking history. Nothing seems to be able to motivate him. Percy: (flippantly) Hey, I'm challenged. Snyder: (raises his eyebrows) You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite the challenge. But we need a winning year, especially after last year's debacle with the swim team. Can't have our point guard benched. (to Willow) So, you're gonna take on a little teaching job. (encouragingly) I know how you enjoy teaching. Willow: (makes feeble excuses) Well, I have a lot of work of my own. Snyder: You've got a letter of acceptance from every university with a stamp. Willow: Y-yes, but I still have classes and I don't... Snyder: (interrupts) Rosenberg, it's time to give something back to the community. (stands up) I know you wanna help your school out here. Ask me how I know. Willow: (obediently) How do you...? Snyder: (interrupts, glares ominously) I just... know. Cut to the library. Willow and Buffy push the doors open and walk in. Buffy: So he threatened you? With what? Willow: Well, i-it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes. Buffy: Snyder needs me to kick his ass. Willow: Oh, no, Buffy, don't get in trouble. I'll be okay. They reach the study table. Willow sets down her books, Buffy sits on it. Willow: I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his. She lifts her bag from her shoulder and sets it down also as Giles comes out of his office sucking on a lollipop. Giles: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the Mayor's files. Willow: (happily) Okay. She heads behind the counter to use the computer there. Faith comes into the library followed by an out-of-breath Wesley. Faith: (sarcastically) Well, that was a blast. Giles: How did it go? Faith: (points at Wesley behind her) Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up. Wesley makes it to the counter and leans heavily against it. Buffy raises her eyebrows at the sight. Giles: (to Wesley) How did it go? Wesley: (panting heavily) Faith, uh... (pants) did quite well on the obstacle field. (pants) Still a little sloppy, though. Faith shoots him an incredulous look. Giles: Do you feel up to, uh, taking Buffy out, or shall I? Wesley: (pants) Oh, no, no, no. (pants) I'll be fine. (pants) Just give me a minute. (pants) And some defibrillators, if it's (pants) not too much trouble. Faith: You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring. (grimaces) Giles: (sternly) Faith, this evaluation is a necessary part of the Council's... Faith: (apologetically) I know. I'm on board here. Just shooting my mouth off. Buffy: I better change. She starts to walk out. As she passes by, Faith leans toward her. Faith: Good luck. She reaches out, lightly brushes Buffy's shoulder with her hand and gives her a little smile. Buffy returns the smile weakly and continues out. Wesley takes a deep breath and follows her. Faith notices Willow at the computer and hops up on the counter to sit and watch. Faith: What cha doin'? Willow: (trying to concentrate) I'm trying to access the Mayor's personal files. Faith: (surprised) Can you do that? Willow: Well, he's got some tricky barriers set up. Faith: (warily) Can you get past 'em? Willow: (stubbornly) Eventually I'll get through. Faith watches intently as Willow continues her hacking. Cut to a spacious new studio apartment. Mayor Wilkins considers Faith's report. Mayor Wilkins: (musingly) That's very interesting. Faith: Yeah, I thought so, too. (looks around) Are you serious about this place? (continues exploring) Mayor Wilkins: Of course I am. No Slayer of mine is gonna live in a fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there. Faith: (checks out the kitchen) Yeah, plus all the screwing. This place is the kick! She walks past a leather punching bag hanging in a corner and continues into the sleeping area. Mayor Wilkins: We'll keep your old place, in case you need to see your friends there, but from now on... Faith jumps up on the bed and bounces. Mayor Wilkins: (appalled) Oh, hey, hey, hey! Shoes! Shoes! Faith hops off of the bed and goes up to the Mayor. Faith: (smiling sultrily) Thanks, Sugar Daddy. Mayor Wilkins: (admonishingly) Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man. He steps aside to let Faith continue looking around. Mayor Wilkins: (briskly) Now, let's kill your little friend. Faith gives him an uneasy look. Mayor Wilkins: (reassuringly) Don't worry. I wouldn't ask you to do it. Not this early in the relationship. (Faith sits, doubtfully considers) Besides, I think a vampire attack would be less suspicious anyway. In the meantime, let's take a look at the rest of the apartment, huh? (Faith stands up again) If I'm not mistaken, some lucky girl has herself a PlayStation. Faith: (grins broadly) No way. Mayor Wilkins: (grins back proudly) Yes way! (chuckles happily) Faith heads over to the TV to check it out. Cut to the halls at Sunnydale High. Oz finds Willow as she walks along. Oz: Hey! Willow: Oz! Hi! They smile at each other and move closer to hug. Oz: There's something about you that's causing me to hug you. (teasingly) It's like I have no will of my own. They move apart. Willow has a huge smile on her face. Willow: Where were you yesterday? They start walking, holding hands. Oz: Mm... We got back late, sort of very. Willow: (perplexed) We? Who? Where? Oz: The band. We had a gig in Monterey Sunday night. They stop by a classroom. Willow: (distressed) Oh, you did? How come I didn't know? Oz: (surprised) I thought you did. Willow: (hurt) Maybe I would have liked to go. Oz: Didn't figure you for missing school. Willow: (disappointed) You think I'm boring. Oz: I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text. We're playing tonight at the Bronze. Willow: (apologetically) I can't. I have too much homework. Oz: (invitingly) If you get done early... He steps toward the classroom. Their hands don't part until necessary. Cut to the quad. Percy comes up the stairs from the underpass below the administrative offices. Willow catches up with him. He just continues walking, completely disinterested. Willow: Percy! Hey. Listen, I thought we could get together today at lunch and go over your Roosevelt paper. You know, what books you'll need and stuff. Percy: (purposely obtuse) What are you talking about? Willow: Me tutoring you. Your, your history paper? Percy: Oh, yeah, yeah. Snyder said you were gonna do it. Willow: (surprised) He never said that. Percy: (gives her an obnoxious look) What meeting were you at? Willow: Look, I-I'll get the books you need. Just meet me at lunch and... Percy: (interrupts) No, no, no. I don't have any time at lunch. I gotta hang out. Willow: Well... Percy: (stops and faces her, impatiently) What, what, you got something better to do? Just type it up and put my name on it. Oh, and don't type too good. Dead giveaway. (leaves) Willow can't believe his attitude and sinks down on one of the benches dejectedly. She takes off her pack, reaches in and pulls out a banana. Willow: (with resolve) I'm eating this now. (daringly) It's not lunchtime, I don't even care. Before she can begin peeling it, Buffy and Xander walk up to her. Buffy: Hey. Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape Biography last Friday? Willow: (absently) Uh-huh. (struggles with the banana) Buffy: (to Xander, proudly) See, I told you. Old Reliable. Xander nods and smiles. Willow is not amused. Willow: (sourly) Oh, thanks. Buffy: (taken aback) What? Willow: 'Old Reliable'? Yeah, great. (reprovingly) There's a sexy nickname. Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as... Willow: No, it's fine. I'm 'Old Reliable'. Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals. Willow: (disgustedly) That's Old Faithful. Xander: Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot... Willow: (incensed) That's Old Yeller. Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me. Will, I-I didn't mean it as a bad thing. I-I think it's good to be reliable. Willow: (stands up, annoyed) Well, maybe I don't wanna be reliable all the time. Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework Gal. Xander: I'm thinking nerve strike. Willow huffs at him and starts to go, but turns back. Willow: Maybe I'll change my look! Or cut class. You don't know. Buffy and Xander just give her surprised looks. Willow: (holds up her banana defiantly) And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned! (strides off) Buffy: (goes after her) Will, wait. I'm really sorry... Willow: (interrupts, chiding gently) Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me. Buffy: (chastened) Oh. Willow goes on her way. Buffy looks back sadly at Xander. Cut to the halls. Willow starts trudging up the stairs. Anya notices her. Anya: Uh, Willow? Willow: (turns around) Uh, hi. (doesn't recognize) Anya: (gestures at herself) Anya. (smiles) I'm sort of new here. (hopefully) Um, I know Cordelia? Willow: (smiles thinly) Oh, fun. Anya: Yeah. Um, listen, (steps up closer to her) I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if... Willow: (interrupts, ironically) Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person. What do you need? Anya: Oh, it's nothing big. (secretively) Just a little spell I'm working on. (shrugs) Willow: (suddenly interested, steps down to her) A spell? (nonchalantly) Oh. I like the black arts. Anya: I just need a secondary to create a temporal fold. I heard you were a pretty powerful wicca, so... (shrugs again) Willow: (smiles excitedly) You heard right, mister! I-I-I'm always ready to work some dark mojo. (hopefully) So, tell me, is it dangerous? Anya: (dismissively) Oh, no. (shakes her head) Willow: (disappointed) Well, could we pretend it is? Cut to an empty classroom after school. The camera pulls back from a large white plate with a representation of Anya's lost necklace painted on it. Willow kneels facing it, arranging herbs, bones and candles. Anya sits at a desk and prepares a mixture of sands and powders. Anya: The necklace was a family heirloom passed down for generations. Then it was stolen from my mom's apartment. Willow: How does the spell work? Anya: (gets up) Uh, well, we both call on Eryishon, (kneels opposite Willow) the Endless One, offer up the standard supplication, then there's a teensy temporal fold. (smiles weakly) We hope. Um, then I pour the sacred sand on the representation of the necklace, and Eryishon brings it forth from the time and place it was lost. Willow: (smiles) Cool. Anya: Are we ready? Willow: (slightly nervous) I think so. Anya takes a deep breath and holds her hand out palm up over the plate. Anya: Eryishon. K'shala. Meh-uhn. Willow also reaches out with her hand palm up, keeping hers tip-to-tip with Anya's. Willow: Diprecht. Doh-tehenlo nu-Eryishon. Anya picks up the bottle of sacred sand and holds it over the plate. Anya: The child to the mother. Willow takes hold of the bottle as well. Willow: The river to the sea. Anya: (closes her eyes) Eryishon, hear my prayer. Willow closes her eyes also. There is a low rumbling, and a pillar of energy appears over the plate and around the girls' hands. Their hands begin to shake, and Willow whips open her eyes, surprised by how powerful this spell actually is. She sees scenes from an alternate universe: Anyanka choking Giles, licking her fingers, herself and Xander as vampires, Anyanka's necklace, Buffy staking Xander, herself as a vampire, herself impaled on the broken wood of the cage, Anyanka's necklace smashed, her vampire self attacking Buffy and getting backhand punched, the Master watching, herself falling to the floor, being grabbed by Larry, sitting alone in an empty factory without the machine, Oz coming for her, the Master grabbing Buffy. In the classroom Anya turns over the bottle of sand, and it pours out. Some of it sifts through Willow's fingers before hitting the plate. More visions follow: Angel letting the imprisoned humans out, herself fighting one, Oz still coming for her, reaching out to grab her... Suddenly she disappears from the scene. Willow flashes back to the classroom, where she has a wide-eyed look of surprise and shock on her face. The pillar of energy fades, and she pulls back her hands, breathing hard. Willow: That was... W-w-what was that? (slowly stands up) Anya: (feels for her necklace in the sands) Oh, it's not here. (pounds the floor, frustrated) It's not here! Willow: (composes herself) Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts. Anya: (exasperated) Oh, don't be such a wimp. Willow: (very uneasy) That, that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I-I don't think you're telling me everything. Anya: (tersely insistent) I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace. Willow: (indignantly) Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell? Anya: Look, (smiles sweetly) we'll just try it again, and... Willow: (steps back) No! I-I think emphatically not! Anya: (angrily) I can't do it by myself! Willow: (gathers her things) That's a relief. I'm outta here. Anya: (furiously) Fine! Go! (mutters to herself) Idiot child. Willow overhears that, and doesn't appreciate it. Willow: (reaches down, haughtily) I believe these chicken feet are mine. Look, m-magic is dangerous, Anya, i-it's, it's not to be toyed with. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone else's homework to do. She leaves the room. Anya looks down at the plate, frustrated, then picks it up. Anya: (anguished) Nothing! (smashes it) Cut to the factory. It's empty except for a lot of small debris. Evil Willow jerks up from the floor and looks around, shocked to suddenly find that the Master, his machine, the humans, the vampires, everything is gone. Evil Willow: This is weird. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Cut to the street in front of the Sun Cinema. "Hotel" and "The Goose Ran" are the featured films. The camera pans down from the sign to several children running along the sidewalk and comes up on Evil Willow. She's standing in the street, disoriented and confused by everything she sees around her. There are so many people and children boldly walking and running around at night without a care in the world. To her it's all strange. Very strange. These people should be cowering in their homes, not out enjoying themselves. As she walks along the yellow centerline, some people walk by her, crossing the street from the theater to the Espresso Pump, coming within reaching distance, blissfully unaware of who she is. No one fears her. No one even notices her. Behind her she hears a girl screaming and turns to look, but the girl is just resisting some teasing from her boyfriend, not shaking in fear of a vampire. An old woman approaches her, not even put off by her full leather attire. Old woman: E-e-excuse me, young lady... Evil Willow faces her and snarls. The lady is frightened, and she backs away shaken, but she's not terrified as Evil Willow would have expected, probably assuming she was just another punk. She rolls her eyes and continues. Cut to the Bronze. k's Choice is on stage performing "Virgin State of Mind", a slow bluesy number, while several couples slow dance to it. Lyrics: There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit / Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it / Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth / Used to be Evil Willow enters and looks around. The place is calm, especially compared to what she's used to. People are hanging out, chatting, drinking, playing pool. Only a few eyes notice her in her black leather. Lyrics: Dig it up, throw it at me / Dig it up, throw it at me Evil Willow stops by a pool table and looks forlornly all around, taking in the situation. Lyrics: Where can I run to / Where can I hide / Who will I turn to / Now I'm in the virgin state of mind A guy in a leather jacket can't help but notice Evil Willow as she walks around him, staring appraisingly at him with her evil scowl. She just keeps going. He doesn't want anything to do with her. Lyrics: Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear / Cut out words I've got written on my chair / Like, do you think I'm sexy / And do you think I really care Evil Willow begins to get depressed about how things suddenly are. She doesn't watch where she's going, and neither does Percy, who bumps into her. Percy: Hey! (recognizes her, surprised, then amused) Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? (points at her) You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. (smugly) Till we graduate, I own your ass. She raises her eyes and looks at him with weary amusement. Evil Willow: Bored now. She shoves the heel of her hand squarely into his chest, sending him flying onto a pool table. He lands hard on his back, and his momentum forces him into a back roll off of it. Several guys around them are shocked. Guy#1: Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! Guy#2: Hey! Guy#1: What's up with that, man? Guy#3: What the heck? Evil Willow now has the attention of the crowd as she slowly goes over to Percy. Evil Willow: (pensively) I'm having a terrible night. She reaches down and lifts Percy up from the floor by his throat, digging her fingertips into his flesh and choking him. Evil Willow: (expectantly) Wanna make it better? Percy tries to punch her, but she idly blocks him and looks up into his eyes, sadly at first but then with a wide grin when Percy can't pull her hand off. He clutches her neck with his other hand and tries to choke her. Some guys in the background make fun of Percy, unaware of the seriousness of his situation. Guy#4: Check it out! Xander comes up behind him, eager to get in on the fun. Xander: What's going on? Is there a funny thing? The guys laughingly point over at Evil Willow and Percy, who have both hands around each other's necks now. Percy is choking, while Evil Willow just continues to smile. Xander runs up behind Percy and yanks him off of her, throwing him to the floor. Xander: Back off! You stay the hell away from her! Percy: (panicked) Okay! Sure! (scrambles away) Xander turns back to make sure Willow is okay, but is stunned by the way she's dressed. For her part, Evil Willow's face brightens, glad to finally see a familiar face. Evil Willow: (thrilled) Xander! Xander: (amazed) Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you. Evil Willow: (smiles widely) You're alive! She hugs him, running her hands sensuously over his neck and back. Xander: Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. (her hands go further down) Don't wanna fall back on bad habits. (her hands reach his butt) (jumps, surprised) Hands! Hands in new places! Evil Willow: (realizes, confused, revolted) You're alive. Xander: (nods, eyeing her curiously) You mentioned that before. Will, are you okay? Evil Willow: (distraught) No! Everything's different. Buffy: (finds them) Oh. There you are. Xander: (never looking away from Evil Willow) Hey, Buff. Buffy: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your... (recognizes) Holy God, you're Willow. Evil Willow: (recognizes the Slayer, vehemently) You. Buffy: (tries to be polite) You know what? (smiles supportively) I, I like the look. (stammers) It's, um... it's, it's extreme, but it, it, it looks good, you know, it's a (breathes deeply) leather thing, and, uh... (to Xander) I said extreme already, right? Evil Willow: (steps up to Buffy, eyes narrowed with hatred) I don't like you. Buffy: (taken aback) Will, I'm sorry about today. You know how my foot likes to live in my mouth. (puzzled) But you know... y-you really didn't have to prove anything. Evil Willow glares at both of them with disgust. She has nothing to say to these humans. Evil Willow: Leaving now. (starts away) Xander: Will, gotta say, not lovin' the new you. Buffy: (goes after her) Will, wait... She grasps Evil Willow's arm from behind and turns her around, and is dumbfounded when she sees her in her vampire guise. Evil Willow: (roars) Get off me! She shakes the Slayer off and stalks away, leaving Buffy and Xander standing there in complete shock and dawning horror. Cut to an alley. Evil Willow strides along it at a brisk pace. Behind her two vampires come into view. Alfonse: Willow Rosenberg. Evil Willow: (stops and smiles to herself in anticipation) I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Alfonse: Then we won't talk. He nudges his partner to attack. Evil Willow does a side kick at him, sending him stumbling back. Alfonse lunges at her, but she grabs onto his shoulder and uses his momentum to flip him to the ground. She turns around and does a half-spinning hook kick to the other one's head. He backs up a step, but keeps his balance and leans back in to punch Evil Willow. She middle blocks two shots and follows up with a punch to his head. She grabs his shoulder while he's dazed and flips him over onto his back. Alfonse comes at her again, and she connects with a roundhouse kick to his side. He falls, but gets up quickly and grabs her shoulder. She grabs onto his hand to keep it in place, and with her other hand she pushes down on his shoulder, forcing him to flip forward onto his back. She takes his hand and jerks it back hard, snapping his wrist. He grunts in pain and gives in. Evil Willow: (reprovingly) You made me cranky. She brushes her fingers against his. Alfonse: (panting) There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human. Evil Willow: (intrigued) Really? Who do you work for? Alfonse: (hoarsely) I'm not telling you a thing. With a half-smile, she takes one of his fingers and bends it back sharply, breaking it. He screams in pain. Evil Willow: (still smiling) Who do you work for? Alfonse: (gives in) Wilkins. The Mayor. She takes another finger and breaks it, too. Again he cries out in pain. Evil Willow: Who do you work for? (bats her eyes suggestively) Alfonse: (gets it) You. She drops his arm and lets him up. The other vampire gets up also, rubbing his head. Evil Willow: (commands) Get your friends. Bring them here. The world's no fun anymore. (smiles evilly) We're gonna make it the way it was. Starting with the Bronze. Alfonse nods obediently at his new boss. Cut to the library. Buffy and Xander come in, both silent, very detached from reality. Giles hears them come in and walks out from his office. Giles: Oh, Buffy. I thought you were going out tonight. I didn't expect... He sees the oppressive grief in their expressions. Giles: (very worried) What is it? Cut to later, after they've explained. They all sit on the stairs to the stacks, detached and staring off into space. Giles dangles his glasses from his hands. Xander idly handles a cross. Xander: (takes a breath) This isn't real. Buffy: (numbly) I can't feel anything. Arms, legs, anything. Giles: She was truly the finest of all of us. Xander: Way better than me. Giles: (nods decisively) Much, much better. Xander: It's all my fault. Buffy: (despairingly) No, it's me. I-it's me. I'm the one that called her reliable. She must have gone out and gotten attacked, which she never would have done if I hadn't have called her reliable. And now my best friend is... Willow walks in and finds them there. Willow: (curiously) What's going on? They all look up surprised. Xander lifts his cross in defense. Willow notices their sad faces and is amazed at their expressions. Willow: Jeez, who died? She notices just how deeply sad they really are and realizes she may have gotten it right. Willow: (almost panicked) Oh, God! Who died? Xander jumps up and gets in Willow's face with the cross. Xander: Back! Get back, demon! She doesn't cower from it, but instead shows deep concern for him, thinking maybe he's flipped out or something. Xander shakes the cross as though it were broken and puts it back in her face. Buffy and Giles notice that she's not frightened of the cross, and slowly approach. Buffy: (breathlessly) Willow, you're alive? Willow: (puzzled) Aren't I usually? Without any further hesitation, Buffy runs the two steps to her best friend and hugs her hard and close. Buffy: Oh! Willow is surprised, and lets out a little groan from the tightness of the embrace. An instant later Xander is also hugging her for all he's worth. Willow: (wonderingly) I love you guys, too? The hug goes on for a long moment before it gets too intense for Willow. Willow: Okay. Oxygen becoming an issue. They both let go, smiling at her with tears in their eyes. She smiles back, but still doesn't know what to make of it all. Willow: Giles, what's going on with these... Before she can finish she finds herself being warmly embraced again by the normally reserved Watcher. Willow: Oh! Again she groans from the tightness of the hug, and Giles quickly releases her, a bit embarrassed at his emotional display. Giles: Oh. Sorry. (backs away) Willow: (still wondering) It's really nice that you guys missed me. (wide-eyed) Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya? Xander: (breathless) Will, we saw you at the Bronze. A vampire. Willow: (startled, then insulted) I'm not a vampire. Buffy: You are. (gets a look from Willow) I-I mean, you, you were. (very confused) Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon? Giles: (very unsure) Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening. Xander: (facetiously) Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go? Cut to the Bronze. Anya walks up to the bar and sits. Anya: (wearily) What a day. (to the bartender) Gimme a beer. Bartender: (deadpan) I.D. She gives him an incredulous look. Bartender: I.D. Anya: (loses it, thumps her fists on the bar) I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a friggin' beer! Bartender: (unimpressed) I.D. Anya: (sighs, defeated) Gimme a Coke. Cut to the stage. Oz and Devon set up their equipment. Devon: Man, we need a roadie. (wistfully) Other bands have roadies. Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords. Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands. He looks worriedly at Oz, seeking confirmation for this theory. Angel: (finds them) Oz. Oz: Hey, man. You looking for Buffy? Angel: As always. Oz: Well, no sightings as of yet, but I think she said she'd show. The door to the club opens, and in walk several vampires. They fan out into the crowd. The people back away in fright. Alfonse comes in last, grabs an unlucky boy and throws him into a table. Oz: (quietly to Angel) That doesn't look good. Alfonse: (yells) EVERYBODY, SHUT UP! From over at the bar, Anya notices the vampires and begins to take an interest. Alfonse: (to everyone) Alright. Nobody cause any trouble or try to leave... and nobody gets hurt. Angel: (quietly) Why don't I believe him? Oz: (quietly) Well, he lacks credibility. They notice one of the vampires prevent a guy from leaving through the back door. Oz: Can you get outta here? Angel: (eyes cast upward) Skylight in the roof. I can make it. Oz: (worried) I think we need some backup. Angel: (evenly) I think I'm needed here. Oz: (raises his eyebrows) Ten to one. Could get pointless. The door opens again and another vampire enters, followed closely by Evil Willow. She looks around at everyone, very pleased. Anya straightens up now, quite intrigued. Evil Willow smiles when she reaches the middle of the empty dance floor. Evil Willow: Look. Everyone's all afraid. (sighs blissfully) It's just like old times. Oz: (in utter disbelief) Get Buffy. Do it now. Angel wastes no time, wheels around, and begins climbing the stage ropes to the roof. Devon gets in close behind Oz. Devon: (quietly, smiling) Dude, check out your girlfriend. Evil Willow saunters leisurely over to a girl alone at a table. Evil Willow: (sweetly) What's your name? Sandy: Sandy. Evil Willow lightly brushes her hands along Sandy's arm and takes her hand. She slowly pulls her onto the dance floor where everyone can see them. Evil Willow: You don't have to be afraid... (smiles disarmingly) just to please me. (to everyone) If you're all good boys and girls, we'll make you young and strong forever and ever. She turns Sandy around to face the stage and stands behind her, continuing to fondle Sandy's shoulders and head. Evil Willow: (enticingly) We'll have fun. Sandy flinches when Evil Willow grasps her hair and pulls it to the side, forcing Sandy to tilt her head, leaving her neck bare. Evil Willow lasciviously licks the girl's neck. Evil Willow: If you're not... She looks around warningly, vamps out, smiles, licks her lips and roars as she bites Sandy savagely on the neck and drains her dry. Oz tries to run from the stage to Sandy's aid, but is stopped by one of the vampires. Devon: (to Oz) No, man! When Evil Willow is finished feeding, she lets Sandy's lifeless body collapse to the floor and morphs back to her human guise. Evil Willow: (idly curious) Questions? Comments? Oz: (shocked) Willow. You don't wanna do this. Evil Willow: (approaches blithely) I don't? (smiles proudly) But I'm so good at it. The vampire holding Oz lets him go down to meet her. Oz: (horrified) Who did this to you? Evil Willow: (recognizes him) I know you. (disgustedly) You're a White Hat. (eyes narrow, puzzled) How come you're talking to me like we're friends? Anya slowly comes up to her from behind. Anya: (unafraid) 'Cause he thinks you're someone else. He thinks you're the Willow that belongs in this reality. Evil Willow: (confused) Another me? Anya: You know this isn't your world, right? I mean, you know you don't belong here. Evil Willow: (softly) No. This is a dumb world. (smiles wistfully) In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies. Anya: (states the obvious) You wanna get back there. Evil Willow: (nods mournfully) Yeah. Anya: So do I. Cut to the school. Cut to the library. Giles sits deep in thought. Willow leans in Giles' office doorway while Buffy and Xander sit on the study table. Willow: This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me. Xander: Not looks like. Is. Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix. (uneasily) As far as we know. Willow: (rolls her eyes, grins sardonically) Oh, right. Me and Oz play 'Mistress of Pain' every night. Giles furrows his brow. Buffy and Xander's eyes glaze over. Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place? Buffy: Oh, yeah. They all look up when Angel makes a quick and noisy entrance, breathing hard from running. Angel: (very upset) Buffy, I... I just... Something's happened that... He pauses when he gets patient, waiting looks from Buffy and Xander. Angel: (blurts it out) Willow's dead. Buffy and Xander nod knowingly. Willow straightens up from leaning against the door frame. Angel notices her. Angel: (distractedly) Hey, Willow. He looks back at Buffy and Xander. Xander raises his eyebrows at him. Suddenly it clicks in Angel's mind, and he does a double take at Willow. Angel: (very confused) Wait a second. He looks back at Buffy and Xander for confirmation. Giles raises his eyebrows, rolls his eyes and grimaces. Xander: (understandingly) We're right there with you, buddy. Buffy: We saw her, too, at the Bronze. Willow smiles reassuringly at him and blithely waves. Angel: (still somewhat unsure) Okay. She's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party. They all immediately get up and head out. Buffy: (resignedly) We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy. Cut to the hall. Buffy: How many of them were there? Angel: Eight or ten. Buffy: (to Giles) Should we call Faith? Giles: No, I don't want her in combat yet. Not around civilians. Xander: (heartily) Hear, hear. Willow: (holds back) Guys? (they stop and look back) What are we gonna do with me? The... other... me? The three men look at each other uncomfortably, shuffling their feet and hanging back. Buffy realizes she has to take the lead. Buffy: (comes closer to Willow) I don't know, Will. (hesitates) I mean, we just have to stop them. Willow: I-I get that. I just kind of wanted to know... (thinks of something) Oh! Hey, uh, go. I-I'll catch up. She heads back into the library as the others go. Cut inside the library. Willow goes to the checkout counter and leans over, but can't reach what she's looking for. She starts to go around it, but an arm reaches around from behind and grabs her. A hand clamps over her mouth to prevent her from screaming. Evil Willow: (gloating) Alone at last. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Evil Willow turns Willow around and looks her up and down, particularly noticing her pink sweater. Evil Willow: (appraisingly) Well, look at me. (doubtfully) I'm all fuzzy. Willow: What do I want with you? (catches herself) Uh... Evil Willow: (grimly) Your little school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world. Willow: Oh. (gets it) Oh! Oops! Evil Willow: But I don't know... (smiles wickedly) I kinda like the idea of the two of us. She turns Willow around again, caressing her shoulders. Evil Willow: We could be quite a team, (meaningfully) if you came around to my way of thinking. Willow: (uncertainly) Would that mean we have to snuggle? Evil Willow brushes Willow's hair away from her neck. Evil Willow: (coaxing) What do you say? She gives Willow's neck an eager, lengthy lick. Willow shudders with loathing and grimaces at the feeling. Evil Willow: (enticingly) Wanna be bad? Willow: (completely unnerved) This just can't get more disturbing. Evil Willow growls horribly with desire and bares her teeth behind Willow's neck. Willow freaks out and whirls around, stepping back and away from her. Willow: (flapping her hands with disgust) Ack! Ew! No more! You're really starting to freak me out! She tries to go around Evil Willow, but gets blocked. She snatches up Xander's cross from the counter and nervously waves it in Evil Willow's face, who roars and bats her arm away, sending the cross flying. She grabs Willow and throws her hard up and over the counter. Willow lands with a crash, hitting her head hard against the metal filing cabinet. Willow: Ow! Evil Willow: (stalks grimly around the counter) You don't wanna play, I guess I can't force you. Willow reaches under the counter for what she originally came for and pulls out the dart rifle just as Evil Willow comes through the door to behind the counter. Evil Willow: Oh, wait. Willow locks the bolt in place. Evil Willow: (smiling meanly) I can. Willow frantically aims and fires. The dart hits Evil Willow dead center of her chest. Stunned, she looks down at the protruding dart, staggers and starts to fall. Evil Willow: (moans) Bitch... She hits the floor. Willow stares in fearful amazement at her other fallen self. Cut to later. Angel and Xander drag Evil Willow by the arms into the book cage. Giles: (dumbfounded) It's extraordinary. Willow: (appalled) It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? (Angel closes the door) I'm so evil and... skanky. (aside to Buffy, worried) And I think I'm kinda gay. Buffy: (reassuringly) Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was. Angel: (without thinking) Well, actually... (gets a look from Buffy) That's a good point. Xander: So, uh, what do we do now? Giles: We still have to get to the Bronze. Angel: Well, even if they're supposed to wait for her they may start feeding. Vampires are not notoriously reliable. Xander: (hopefully) So we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne? Giles: High casualty risk. I haven't any other plan, though. Buffy: (raises her hand) Uh, I have a really bad idea. Cut to the Bronze. The camera pans from the sign down to the group. Angel drops down from the roof onto a crate, then down to the pavement. Angel: They're still in a holding pattern. That's good. It means they must really be afraid of you. Willow walks up to them wearing Evil Willow's leather ensemble. Willow: Who wouldn't be? She shifts around uncomfortably, trying to get the feel of the tight outfit. Buffy: Are you okay in that? Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe. (notices her cleavage) Gosh, look at those. Xander stares with wide eyes. Giles: (stammers) Um, ahem, Willow, you, uh, you go in and defuse the situation as best you can. At least try and get some of them to come out and even up the odds a bit. Buffy: First sign of trouble, you give us a signal. We come in hard and fast. Xander: What is the signal? Willow: (worried) Me screaming. Angel: Giles, you and Xander wait by the back entrance. Giles: Good. They go. Buffy shows concern for her friend. Buffy: Now, you're sure you're up to this? Willow: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave. (smiles) Buffy: We'll be right outside. Willow nods wanly and heads for the door, still twisting uncomfortably in the leather. She takes a deep breath and knocks with firm resolve. Cut inside. A vampire opens the door. Willow smiles and waves at him in greeting. Willow: Hi. I'm back. She slowly comes in. Alfonse and Anya meet her inside. Willow does her best not to show her fear. Alfonse: Did you find the girl? Willow: (tries to sound authoritative) Yep. I did. Anya: (mystified) Where is she? Willow: (bravely) I killed her. Anya gives her a look of stunned disbelief. Willow: And sucked her blood, (nods triumphantly) as we vampires do. The silence is thick with tension, making her nervous. She turns to the doorman. Willow: (quietly aside to him) You know, I think maybe I heard something out there. Why don't you go check? He opens the door and goes out, closing the door behind him. Outside Angel grabs him by the shoulders and holds him steady as Buffy plunges a stake into his chest. Back inside, Anya confronts Willow. Anya: (incredulous) H-how could you kill her? She was our best shot at getting your world back. Willow: (walks past her, straightens challengingly) I don't like that you dare question me. Oz notices that something's up. Willow: (now enjoying herself) Maybe I'll have my minions take you out back and kill you horribly. She sneaks Oz a little smile and wave. He barely reacts, just raising an eyebrow a bit. Anya follows her onto the dance floor. Anya: (muttering) Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth. Willow: (haughtily) She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her, (turns to face her) and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live. She steps over to another vampire, indicating the door. Willow: (chummily) You know, he's been gone for a while. Why don't you go check on him? (pats his shoulder approvingly) He heads for the door and goes out. Alfonse: (impatiently) Well, Boss, since that plan is out, why don't we get with the killing? Willow suddenly worries that her plan may have backfired. Cut to the library. Evil Willow regains consciousness in the book cage, now dressed in Willow's pink sweater and flowery skirt. She sits up and notices her change of clothes. Evil Willow: (recoiling) Oh, this is like a nightmare. The door opens, and Cordelia comes into the library. She's dressed in a shimmery evening dress, carrying a couple of books. Cordelia: Hello? Giles? Evil Willow notices her and remembers her recent kill in the alternate universe. Cordelia: (casually) Wesley? I just happened to stop by... for books. Evil Willow: (stands up, speaks imperiously) Hey, you. Cordelia: (faces her) 'Hey me'? (insulted) 'Hey me' what? I have a name, you know. Evil Willow: (thinks) Uh, Cordelia. Cordelia: (steps over) What did you do? Lock yourself in the book cage? Evil Willow: (cunningly goes along with it) Yeah. Lemme out... 'Cause I'm so helpless. Cordelia: Okay. She heads behind the counter. Evil Willow smirks at her success. Cordelia: I think Giles keeps a spare. How'd you manage to lock yourself in, anyway? Evil Willow: Uh, I was looking at books. I like... books... Cordelia finds the keys and goes back to the cage. Evil Willow: ...'cause I'm shy. Cordelia: (sarcastically) Yeah, right. The famous shy girl act all the boys fall for. Evil Willow: (anxiously) Open the cage. (tenses up) Cordelia puts in the key and turns it, but stops short of unlocking it. She looks up at Evil Willow and has a thought. Cordelia: Wait. (briskly) It occurs to me that we've never really had the opportunity to talk. You know, woman to woman... with you locked up. Evil Willow: (impatient) Don't wanna talk. Hungry. Cordelia: (pretends to think) What could we talk about? Oh! Hey! How about the ethics of boyfriend stealing? Evil Willow can't believe it. Cut to the Bronze. Willow: I don't know if I feel like killing anymore. Anya and Alfonse can't believe their ears. Willow walks past a girl at a table. Willow: I'm so bored. She idly rakes her fingers through the girl's long hair, but they get tangled. Rather than pull them through harder to keep in character, she gently lays the girl's hair back. Anya begins to get suspicious. Willow strolls over to the stage, putting Oz to her back. Willow: I-it would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Where's the fun? Alfonse: (smiles grimly) With all due respect, Boss, the fun would be the eating. Willow: (brilliantly) Maybe we should let everyone go, and give them a thirty second head start. Anya: (finally figures it out) Wait a minute. Willow: (frowns fretfully) No! I like my plan. Anya: (snickers) Oh, nice try. Willow: (desperately) Okay, let's get to the killing. (hurriedly to Alfonse) Why don't we start with her? Anya: Why don't we start with you? (to Alfonse, in disgust) If she's a vampire, then I'm the creature from the black lagoon. Cut to the library. Evil Willow hangs onto the cage mesh, extremely bored. Cordelia has made herself comfortable, seated in a chair facing the cage and holding a mug of coffee. Cordelia: (rationalizing) And, okay, it isn't even like I was that attracted to Xander. It was more just that we kept being put in these life or death situations, and that's always all sexy and stuff. Evil Willow just stares blankly out of the cage. Cordelia: (gets up) I mean, I more or less knew he was a loser. (sets down the mug) (huffily) But that doesn't make it okay for you to come around and... (notices Evil Willow's stare) What? Do I have something on my neck? Evil Willow: (wearily) Not yet. Cordelia: (worried) Am I getting a zit? (checks her skin) Evil Willow: (very bored and tired) Cordelia, I'm very sorry. I realize I was wrong. I'll never steal your boyfriend again. Cordelia: (stung) Like you could! I should just leave you in there, but I'm a great humanitarian, (gets the keys) and you will just have to think of a way to pay me back sometime. She unlocks the cage, turns the handle and pulls the door open. Evil Willow steps out. Evil Willow: Okay. (vamps out) How about dinner? ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The hall outside the library. The doors burst open, and Cordelia shoots out screaming wildly and runs down the hall. Cut to a dark empty classroom. Cordelia runs in and backs up along two rows of desks, pulling them together as she goes to block Evil Willow's way. Cordelia: (desperately) I didn't mean all that stuff I said before. I want you to have Xander. My blessings on you both! Evil Willow just pushes the desks back apart, making a game of it. Evil Willow: I'm so over him. I need fresh blood. Cordelia runs away screaming through the classroom's back door. Cut to the hall in front of the library. Wesley is walking toward the doors, when another scream from Cordelia catches him by surprise. He reacts defensively, dropping his briefcase and spinning round, but quickly recovers himself and starts running in the direction of the scream, abandoning his briefcase, reaching under his jacket for a cross. Cut to the girls' bathroom. Cordelia runs in and realizes she's made a mistake, trapping herself. Evil Willow strolls in behind her. Evil Willow: No more hiding. Cordelia backs away as she advances. Suddenly Wesley jumps out and brandishes his cross in her face. Wesley: (commandingly) Back! Creature of the night! Evil Willow growls angrily. Wesley: (warningly) Leave this place! Evil Willow: Don't wanna. Wesley quickly but nervously reaches into his jacket and pulls out a vial of holy water. Evil Willow sighs. He holds it up, threatening to throw it on her. Evil Willow: (sighs heavily) Whatever. She turns and leaves. Wesley slowly relaxes, heaving a sigh of relief and lowering the cross and the vial. Cordelia walks up behind him and lightly touches him on the shoulder. He freaks out, screams and spins around, thrusting the cross and holy water right into Cordelia's face. He lowers them when he recognizes her, and tries to catch his breath. Cordelia: (whines apologetically) I'm sorry. Wesley: (puts the water away) No, no. (breathes deeply) A little on edge. (bravely) You know, men in combat. (makes a tough face) Grr. (concerned) Are you all right? Cordelia: (awed) You saved my life. Thank you! She flings herself worshipfully at him and throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Wesley: (awkwardly) Oh, yes. Uh... Yes. He is somewhat startled, but enjoys the hug while it lasts. Then they both peer out the door. Wesley: (stunned) Was that...? Cordelia: Willow. (shakes her head sorrowfully) They got Willow. (gets over it) (brightly) So, are you doing anything tonight? Wesley is rendered speechless. Cut to the Bronze. Anya: (dispirited) I'm just so tired of being around human beings and all their baggage. I-I don't care if I ever get my powers back. Oz gets behind Willow, backing her up. Willow gulps. Anya: (crosses her arms) I think he (meaning Alfonse) should eat you. Willow: (improvises quickly) This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. (desperately) I'm a blood-sucking fiend! (pats herself) Look at my outfit! Alfonse: (shakes his head in shame) A human. I should have smelled it right away. Willow: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this? She screams at the top of her lungs. Anya and Alfonse aren't impressed, and respond simultaneously. Anya: Sure. Yeah. Humans do that. Yeah. (shrugs) Alfonse: (concurring) Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah. Willow is about ready to panic. Suddenly the door to the club is thrown open, and Buffy and Angel make their entrance. Buffy log rolls over the edge of a pool table, grabbing a cue stick along the way, as Alfonse runs over to engage her. Buffy uses the cue to block a high punch from Alfonse and then hits him in the chest with it. Then she spins halfway around to face another vampire and jabs him in the gut with the cue. As he doubles over in pain, Buffy whirls around and slams the end of the cue into the back of his head. Anya looks around at the chaos, and decides it's time to make a break for it. She meets Willow on her way, though, who doesn't fancy Anya getting off scott free. Anya smiles guilelessly at her, but doesn't get away with it. Willow grunts as she punches Anya hard, sending her to the floor unconscious. Unfortunately, the punch really hurts her hand. Willow: Ow! Ow! Ow! Happy, but ow! Oz snatches her away from the fray and up onto the stage. Devon tries to copy Angel's earlier move and climb up the stage ropes, but just doesn't have the strength to do it. The customers flee through the now-open front door while Angel ducks a half spinning jumping in-to-out crescent kick, shoves the vampire that tried it into a post and kidney-punches him. Out of the corner of his eye he spots another vampire coming at him and delivers a side kick to his stomach. He then grabs the one slumped by the post and hurls him through the air into a magazine rack. Angel turns back to the other vampire, spins twice and delivers a nasty backhand punch to his face, making him fall face down onto the pool table. Angel grabs onto his jacket, yanks him back up and punches him in the face, knocking him down. Meanwhile the first vampire is back up behind Angel and punches him in the face as he turns to face him. On the stage Oz yells back at Devon, who's gotten caught in the ropes. Oz: Devon, come on! Oz leads Willow away backstage, but they are blocked by Evil Willow, just arriving in her vampire guise. She grabs Oz by his shirt and smashes him into Devon, and the two boys crash to the floor. Willow: (frightened) No more snuggles? Evil Willow backhand punches her hard, causing her to fall back against the drum set. It makes plenty of noise as she and the cymbals crash loudly to the floor. In the back room, Giles and Xander wrench the door open just as the guard vampire throws back a fleeing patron. Xander grabs him from behind and tries to stake him, but gets thrown off and into a wall. Giles double-fists him in the face, but gets thrown back into another wall. Xander regains his footing and punches the vampire hard in the face, making his neck snap back, dazing him. He grabs the vampire by the jacket and flips him over onto his back at the base of some stairs. Giles rushes in, falls to his knees and stakes him. On the stage Evil Willow steps over to Willow and grabs her around the neck, choking her. Over by the pool tables Buffy swings her cue around, aiming for Alfonse's head, but he grabs the cue and wrests it from her grip. Even so, the shock of the blow sends him falling to the floor. Another vampire launches a punch at Buffy and hits her squarely in the side of the head. She takes it in stride and delivers both a backhand punch and a punch to his jaw. He stumbles against a post, where Buffy roundhouse kicks him twice in the face. He tries to punch her, but she grabs onto his arm, sidesteps him and throws him into a rack of cues. On the stage a struggling Willow is doing her best to hold her alter ego at bay, but isn't having much success. A vampire does an axe kick at Angel, but he rolls out of the way just in time so the vampire's leg lands on the pool table instead of Angel's head. Angel smashes his arm down on the vampire's knee, audibly breaking it, and then does a backhand punch to his face. The vampire falls backward to the floor. Angel reaches onto the pool table and picks up some balls, which he throws at an incoming vampire. They just bounce off of him, and he tries to punch Angel, who blocks it with both hands and backhands the vampire in the face, making him stagger back into the pole. The vampire roars and immediately comes back, grabs Angel and carries him out of the shot. Alfonse swings the cue stick at Buffy, but she grabs hold of it and swings it downward and around, wresting it from his grip. She then follows up with a full spinning wheel kick to his face, sending him to the floor. She hears Willow cry out from the stage and glimpses her predicament. Alfonse gets back to his feet, and Buffy uppercuts him with the cue. He goes flying into the pastry bar. On stage Evil Willow tightens her grip on Willow's neck. Behind Buffy Alfonse gets back up, but Buffy jams the business end of the cue stick into his chest without even looking back, dusting him. Things are looking dire for Willow on stage. Buffy runs to her aid, smashing the cue into the back of a vampire's head along the way and breaking it, resulting in a sharp makeshift stake. She leaps up onto the stage and is about to stab down hard with it into Evil Willow's back with it, when Willow shouts out to stop her. Willow: (urgently) BUFFY, NO! Buffy reacts instantly, holding back just short of penetration, and instead grabs Evil Willow and yanks her roughly away from Willow, restraining her securely. Angel is finished with his fight also and hops up onto the stage as well. Evil Willow realizes that she is now outnumbered. Willow stands up and gingerly massages her neck. Willow: (admiringly) Nice reflexes. Buffy: (shrugs gracefully) Well, I work out. Evil Willow: (to Willow, sadly) This world's no fun. Willow: (surprised, empathetically) You noticed that, too? Cut to the factory where Evil Willow first appeared in this reality. Giles, Anya and Oz finish setting up for the spell to send Evil Willow back. Giles lights the candles. Xander steps over to Evil Willow, but cautiously, not getting too close. Angel keeps a wary eye on her from behind. Xander: So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? Evil Willow just looks askance at him, then rolls her eyes and turns away. Xander: (steps away, chortling gleefully) Oh, yeah. I'm bad. Oz stands up and walks behind Willow and Buffy, who are observing Evil Willow. Buffy: (uncertainly) I'm not sure about releasing this thing into the wild, Will. It is a demon. Evil Willow checks on Angel behind her. Willow: (penitently) I just can't kill her. Buffy: (regretfully) No. Me, neither. Willow: (hesitantly) I mean, I know she's not me. We have a big nothing in common, but... still. Buffy: (understandingly) There but for the grace of getting bit. Willow: (resolutely) We send her back to her world, and she stands a chance. It's the way it should be anyway. Giles: Uh, we're about ready here. Willow goes over to Evil Willow. Giles: (to Anya, warningly) Don't you try any tricks now, dear. Anya: (sulkily) I don't need tricks. (arrogantly contemptuous) When I get my powers back, you will all grovel before me. Both Willows roll their eyes and shake their heads at her delusions of grandeur. Giles: (unimpressed) Yes, uh, if you, uh, Willows, would like to, uh, (gestures where they should kneel) complete the circle. Willow faces Evil Willow for the last time. Willow: Good luck. (helpfully) Try not to kill people. Evil Willow doesn't display any emotion, but Willow smiles warmly at her and gives her a big hug. Evil Willow isn't sure what to make of that, but gets into the spirit and does some naughty touching. Willow jumps back from her reach. Willow: (shocked) Hands! Hands! Evil Willow gives her a naughty, knowing smile. The two of them walk over to join the circle. They kneel down as the camera pulls back. The screen fades to white, and then returns to the ongoing fight in the alternate universe. Evil Willow materializes and smiles, relieved to be back in her own reality, only to be suddenly grabbed by Oz and shoved back onto a broken piece of the wooden cage, effectively impaling her through the heart. Evil Willow: (miserably) Aw, f... She explodes into ashes. The screen flashes back to white and back to Sunnydale High. The camera pans down to Willow and Buffy sitting together on a wall. Buffy: You wanna go out tonight? Willow: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... (sadly) and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin. Buffy: (sagely) You know, you can O.D. on virtue. Willow: Between me and my evil self, I've got double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. I mean, she messed up everything she touched. I don't ever want to be like that. Percy: (comes up to them, a bit nervous) Hey. Uh, hi. Willow: Oh, hi. Listen, I didn't have a chance... Percy: (interrupts) Okay, so I did the outline for the paper on Roosevelt. (hands it to her) It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. He hands her the other one. Both are nicely bound in folders. Buffy gives Willow a knowing smile. Willow just stares at him in stunned amazement. Percy: (respectfully) Um, and I know they're kinda, kinda short, but I can flesh them out. Oh, and here's the bibliography. (hands it to her) Um, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong, and I'll get on it. Willow is speechless, amazed by his sudden change in attitude. He starts to go, but comes back to lay an apple on the folders in her lap. He leaves again, hopping athletically over a low wall. Buffy: (innocently) You wanna go out tonight? Willow: (hopefully) 9:00 sound good?	Plan: A: a vengeance demon; Q: What did Anya want to be again? A: Anya; Q: Who tricks Willow into helping with a spell to retrieve her power center? A: an alternate reality; Q: Where did Giles destroy the amulet? A: The Wish; Q: What is the name of the alternate reality where Giles destroyed Anya's power center? A: the spell; Q: What transports Willow's vampire version to Sunnydale? A: an unsuspecting Sunnydale; Q: Where does the spell transport Willow's vampire version to? Summary: Wanting to be a vengeance demon again, Anya tricks Willow into helping with a spell to retrieve her power center, the amulet Giles destroyed in an alternate reality (" The Wish "). Instead of the amulet, however, the spell transports Willow's vampire version to an unsuspecting Sunnydale.
[Justin showing Michael the latest sketches of the gay-bashing episode of their comic book.] Justin: Here's were Rage Zipher discover that J.T.'s beating for death backing of gay bashers. Michael: It's kinds gory. Justin: It's supposed to be. [Ben searches between them for his Palm Pilot.] Ben: I'm sure I left it here. Justin: Here's Rage zapping the bashers with his mind destory. Ben: He's what? Michael: He use his mind destorshing field so that they thing they all fags. Justin: And they beat each other to death. Ben: Wow, that ones happens. Michael: Then he endure J.T. in his arms and takes him up for his liar for his cyber-gayopolis. Justin: And he brings J.T. back to life with a lots of heavy kissing and deep a*l penetration. Michael: Which is from the art of illustration is Justin's favorite part. Ben: Yes, I see. Where the hell is my Palm? Michael: Try in my bedroom. May it dropped out of your pocket when you dropping out of your pants. Ben: Mmmh, good thinking Boy-Toy Wonder. [They kiss each other. Ben leaves. Michael slides his hand under Justin's notepad and comes up with Ben's Palm Pilot.] Justin: You stole it? Michael: [whispers] I borrow it. Ben gots a buddy list in here and I call everybody and invite them for his surprise party. Justin: When is his birthday? Michael: Saturday. Justin: No sh1t! That's mine! Michael: Really? Justin: Yeah. Isn't that the most amazing coincidence? Michael: What? You two have the same birthday? Justin: That you and Brian are in love with guys who have at the same birthday. Ben: [comes back] Uh, no luck in the bedroom. Michael: That's a first! [Something rings in the kitchen.] Ben: I know my Palm isn't the way of art, but it works. Michael: You must stay for dinner. Ben's making pike. Ben: Then we're gonna watch Sunset Boulevard. Justin: I can't. Brian and I are going to... Ben, Michael and Justin: [at the same time] Babylon. Justin: Babylon, yeah. [Ben and Michael are kissing each other.] [Babylon. Brian, Justin, and Ted are doing tequila shots.] Justin: [to Brian] Isn't that the most amazing coincidence? Brian: That you and Ben like seven hundred million people have birthday on the same day? Ted: So, how remember you that big event? Going to Key West, or getting some kind of car. Justin: That sounds good. Brian: I'm not. Ted: You're not? Brian: It's a fcking birthday. Anybody can get born, even you. Only thing we're celebrating is the achievement. Ted: I remember you throw Michael a little suprprise party last year. Justin: I agree with Brian. I think birthday are silly innocent unnecessarily. [Emmett dances up to the bar and tells his dance partner] Emmett: OK, thanks for the ride, sweetheart, but here's where I get off. Ted: Some catch. Why you throwing back? Brian: Not big enough? Emmett: Sure he's big enough. Brian: Still in mourning? Emmett: I tried boys, I tried booze, I tried pills but I'm still in the Valley of the Dolls. Ted: Well, maybe you need some spiritual sucker. Brian: Yeah, you should called my mothers minister. He gaves great head. Ted: It's not the healing I had in mind. You're coming with me, tomorrow. To church. Emmett: Church? ["Celebratory Church."] Minster: And the book could only have been written, directed, and conceived by God. Ted: [to Emmett] Isn't Ref.Brett incredible? Emmett: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he should win a...Tony. Ref.Brett: Raise, raise! And following the hymnals. [All raise and sing a song.] Ted: Didn't you feel? Emmett: I think it takes a little bit more than a showtime. [Beside Ted stands a cute man. They share a song book. After the celebration they clean up.] Man: I was with the Peace Corps for a few years, but then I decided what I really wanted was to work with kids. Ted: That's sweet! Man: I have teach the second grades. The sweet isn't exactly the word. Ted: I'm sure they adore you. Man: I love it and it allowes me time to volunteer at the gay youth support line, to train for the AIDS Ride on the weekend, and of course I help out at the church. Ted: Oh course. I'm impressed. Man: I'm still about myself. What about you? Tell me what you do. Ted: Me? [Next blurb of images: two guys showering, one washing the other's back; shot of ass sx; shot of an ass, one hand near the left cheek; a hand pulling an ass in tighty- whities closer, the hard-on visible through the fabric; tongues touching; a rocket taking off; blue-gloved hands pulling sausage out of a machine, stroking it as it grows; a black-and-white hot dog getting pulled away from another mustard-soaked hot dog in a bun; a subway tunnel; a cartoon dog driving a red hot rod that's out of control; and a zeppelin. This is during jungle drums and animal noises.] Man: Ted? Ted: Mmmh? Man: Where you just go? Ted: Oh, nowhere. I was just... just thinking what you said. Man: So, what do you do? Ted: I... working in computers. Man: Sales or programming? Ted: I run my own dot-com company. Man: Really? An entrepreneurial. So what kind of company is it? Ted: You know, dealing with people needs. Relief work. Man: Somehow, I knew you'd do something that involved helping others. [Ted laughs guilty.] [Liberty Diner.] Brian: A surprise party? Emmett: So, what do you planned up? Michael: Do? Emmett: Ya, after everyones jumps out and screams the word "surprise". Michael: I don't know. I'd think we sing "Happy Birthday" and cut the cake, open presents. [Emmett rolls his eyes.] Brian: Any kind of nudity and drugs? Michael: This isn't anyone of your affairs. Besides I'm not roling doups, I can't afford an elaborate party. Emmett: Sweetheart, you don't need a lot of money. You just need a theme. What's Ben into? Michael: Yoga. Buddhism. Brian: Oh, we can meditate! That sounds like fun. Emmett: OK, give me a minute here. OK, it's coming to me, I've getting an idea. Why don't we do a Geisha/Sushi/Miss Saigon kind of thing? We can transform Ben's apartment into a Far Eastern phantasmagoria. Coloured entrance. Brian: Better yet, why don't you buy a bottle of sake and a copy of Kama Sutra and fck your brains out? It would be cheaper. Emmett: You just leave it to me. I'll make sure the party it's unforgetable. Debbie: Who's having a party? Michael: Nobody. Debbie: Must be such of a guest lists. Brian: Ben's birthday. And Michael's gonna throwing a surprise party. Debbie: It's nice. Man: Hey Deb, you're orders are up! Debbie: Orders up. Kind back of work. [she goes away] Michael: What the fck you tell her? Brian: Why the fck do you keep it a secret? Michael: Because I don't wanna her give me more sh1t about Ben. Emmett: Maybe if you invited her... Michael: What for? She didn't come anyway. [Cut to Mel and Lindsay. We see when Justin's eating pasta.] Lindsay: What do you mean he's not doin' anything? Justin: [full mouth] Brian doesn't believe in birthdays -- not even his own. Mel: What kind of bullshit is that? Lindsay: He almost kills himself when he turned 30. Mel: Who's talking about his birthday? We're talking about Justin's. What is his problem of turning 19? [The camera pulls back as Mel tickles Lindsay's boobies behind Justin's head.] Justin: He believe in celebrating a accomplishment, unsentimential rituals. Mel: Oh, bla-bla-bla. What the hell he do? Brain-washing you? Everybody deserves a little attention of there birthday. Lindsay: Especially from the person they'll love. When Brian's not gonna do anything, we will. Mel: Yeah, what do you say when we're go to dinner and movie? Lindsay: That's not very special. We can do that at any time. Mel: OK, let's throw a party. Justin: I hate parties. Mel: He hates parties. Lindsay: Besides, Michael's giving Ben one. I know! You're coming with us - saturday afternoon. Justin: Where? Lindsay: A friend of mine teaches who teaches at the music department at your school invited us to a violin recital. Justin: A violin recital? Lindsay: She said the student who's playing is a genius. Justin: I'm not really in the class for music! Mel: Well, maybe it's time you're expose yourself to a higher form of cultural expression than a thumba-thumba Babylon. Lindsay: Maybe he doesn't wanna go, don't force him. Oh, she also said he's really cute. [Justin slurps the last of his bite of spaghetti as the camera zooms to his mouth.] Justin: Why didn't you say so? [Ben stops at a street flower vendor. Ben hands Michael a fistful of surprise flowers.] Ben: This is for you. Michael: But it's your birthday. Ben: You know what they say - it's better to give... Michael: Well receiving is not to bad, either. You know, when you're subject your birthday... Ben: Yes, please nothing special. Just keep it civil and locate, okay? Michael: Simple and located. I thoughed we could go for dinner. Ben: Some place easy and casual, nothing fancy. Michael: How about the Liberty Diner? Ben: Not that casual. Michael: How about meeting at your home. What time your get home? Ben: If I had my damn palm I could say it for sure, but lets see class until four, then the doctors and yoga, so say 7:00. Well, let's make it 7:30. Michael: Perfect. Paul: Ben? Ben: Hey, Paul! [They hugs each other.] Paul: How you're doin', baby? Ben: Good, and you? Paul: I have no complaints. Ben: Paul, this is Michael. Paul: Well Michael, I've heared Ben was seeing someone. Ben: Word travels fast. Paul: Around here. Listen, we should get together. Why don't you call me sometime? Ben: I will, I'll do that. Paul: See ya Michael. Michael: See ya. Nice guy. Ben: Paul, yeah, he's a sweetheart. Actually we were together about five years ago. We're stay friends all over the time. It was not easy. Michael: Wait, isn't that the time you found out that you're... Ben: positive, yeah. He's the one who infected me. Michael: What fck...! Ben: No, no, no, it's okay. He didn't know and I've should have been more careful. Anyway, I've forgive him. [The boys gym.] Michael: The man is perfect. There is no other explanation. How else could you forgive the guy who infected you? Emmett: Tryin' nuts. Ted: Different than me. I would kill him! Michael: Ben's not like that. The men is to free himself from all the emotion bag as the rest of us carrying around. Ted: Well, how he doesn't? Emmett: I think he's doin' a lot of that yoga stuff. Ted: You're doin' such a bad job and built him out. Emmett: What about you? You're do up with the guy at home? Ted: You're mean St.Luke? Emmett: Something tells me you're interesting him isn't entirely spiritual. Ted: He is the sweetest, the kindest, the sexiest, the most adorable guy I've ever meet. Michael: So, what does he think about you? Ted: He think I've running a relieve organisation. Emmett: What?! Michaeö: What?! [3 times.] Ted: Yep, me the Red Cross and the Unicef. Emmett: And how comes that he get that impression? Ted: Well, he ask me what I've did and I... Emmett: Lied. Michael: Why the hell you do that? Ted: He's a church running elementry school teacher who does charity work for fck sakes. What could he think when I say that I'm the CEO of JerkAtWork.net. Michael: Well, if he does perfect as you say he probably wouldn't care. Emmett: Well, boys. You date your saints. I'll stick to the sinners. [Brian's loft. Lindsay and Mel are there.] Mel: But it's his birthday, for christ sakes! Lindsay: Couldn't you least have a cake? Brian: I don't need any cake. I gained three ounces last week. Now, could you please get back, I have work to do. [Justin walks out trying to figure out his tie.] Mel: Hey, you look spiffy. Lindsay: A new sport coat? Justin: Yeah, my mom got it for me for my birthday. Brian: Didn't your Daddy ever keep you how to tie a tie? Justin: No, he was to busy to kicking me out and beating the sh1t out of you. [Brian ties Justin's tie.] Brian: Well, neither than mine. He was to busy after the day I was born. This isn't the birthday suit I like to you in. And now, go get some culture. [he kisses Justin on his forehead.] Justin: Don't work to hard. [Mel and Justin leaves, but Lindsay goes back to Brian.] Brian: You forget something? Lindsay: I don't understand you! [She yells over the music] Brian: Few do. Lindsay: It's obvious how much you love him. But you won't celebrate his birthday because you doesn't consider it an accomplishment. Isn't it an accomplishment that he's alive and well? Isn't that enough reason to celebrate? [The recital. Mel's got open mouth going as she watches the guy play. He's young, with dark greasy hair. There's a black, tiny pussy of hair under his lower lip. Justin loves this new boy. Loves him so much he has to pull a pencil out of his chest pocket and starts drawing the boy on his program.] [Debbie's house. Vic comes from upstairs to Michael.] Vic: I found it! I wored it to the Winter Drag Ball in '89. I was Cho Cho San, you're mother was Pinkerton. I promised Emmett to borrowed him for the party. Michael: He will make a fabulous hostess. Vic: He'll be astonish. Michael: Just don't be late. Vic: And don't you be nervous. Michael: I just want everything to come off as planned, you know for Ben. Vic: It'll be the social event of the season. [Debbie comes in with the washing laundry.] Debbie: What's the social event of the season? Homo-Hopp at Babylon? Vic: Ben's suprprise party. Debbie: Oh. Michael: I just telling Vic not to be late. Debbie: Uh-huh. Michael: You know, if you wanna come... Debbie: No, it's okay. I got plans. I'm... I'm... I'm going to movies with my... my friend Rosie. But please wish him many happy returns from me. Michael: I will. [to Vic] And I'll be sure to get this to Emmett. Vic: See ya, Michael. [He leaves.] Vic: You haven't been spoke to Rosie in twelve years? Debbie: You never know, she give me a call. Help me with this. [Debbie throws a sheet at Vic.] Vic: I thoughed you make more than a effort for Michael and Ben are concern. Debbie: You see me giving him any grieve? Vic: I don't see you giving him any joy. Debbie: I agree to tolorated, not indorsed. Vic: Maybe you could up with your commitment a nutch. You gotta admit. Ben's been a positive influence on him. Debbie: Positive! Exactly! Vic: And despite all of your dark affairs and inspire predictions, they both seem to be doin' just fine. So why not be a sport? They make to get happy. [After the concert. Ethan gives autographs. Lindsay, Melanie and Justin are at the buffet] Mel: Isn't he amazing, or what? Lindsay: And to think he's so young. Justin: He started his play when he was four. The study with the great Andreas Wischnewski. Mel: I thoughed you didn't known anything about classical music. Justin: I read the program. Lindsay: I think we're witnessing a conversion experience. Mel: Another lesbian success story. Lindsay: Oh, there's Susan. I'd better thank her for the tickets. [Lindsay takes Mel with her. Justin's alone, sauntering up to the violinist.] Justin: I comes by to saying you're just great. Ethan: The Ravel was passable but the Brahms was for sh1t. Justin: I didn't noticed. Ethan: Yeah, well, you should've; it was all your fault. Justin: Me? Ethan: Yes. Were you staring at me was very distracting. Justin: I'm sorry. Ethan: Although not necessarily in a bad way. Justin: [laughs] Yeah, I'm Justin. Ethan: Ethan. [Justin holds up his program] Justin: I know. [Ethan sees Justin's drawings on the program] Ethan: What's this? Justin: Oh, it's nothing. Ethan: Let me see - It's me in five variations. Justin: It's a habit. You know, I can't stop myself. Ethan: Well, it's a sign of a true artist. I play when I'm sleep. You go to school here, right? Justin: Usual, right. Ethan: Yeah, I thoughed I recognize you. Justin: Some friends brough me here for my birthday. [Lindsay and Mel goes by.] Lindsay: Hello! [Ethan gives Justin a CD of his own music.] Ethan: Here. Happy birthday. Justin: It's your own CD? Ethan: Yeah, I made it myself. Justin: Nice photo. Ethan: Yeah, next time I use one of these. [he's looking at Justin's drawing.] Man: Ethan! Ethan: Hi. How you're doin'? Good to see you. [Once Justin's finally away, Ethan turns to look for him.] [Ted's condo. Ted and Gay Jesus are doing a little 69 action on some kind of red velvet bed.] Luke: You're a wonderful lover, Ted. You're so nice, so sincere, so honest. I felt immediately that you're one that I can trust. Ted: You remember when you ask me what I did and I said, I... I working computers. Luke: Mmmh, and that you a service provider for a relieve organisation. Ted: Well, that's not complete accurate. Although I can understand for... intentionally big issue about my job description that... you might assume and I do food and clothing to wore-town of the globe when in fact the service I provide... [long pause] it's a p0rn site. And the relief comes from... Well I'm sure you can figure out the rest. I'll guess we're better get dressed. Luke: No wait! Is that what you wanna to tell me? Ted: Well I thoughed after what you've told me about yourself that... Luke: No, no, I've even been on myself, a couple times. Ted: You have? And you don't have lied? Luke: No, no. Look, you're what matters. [They kiss each other.] [Brian's loft. Justin's playing Ethan's CD for Brian.] Justin: He was incredible. Brian: But don't classics, or we? Justin: Yeah, and the guy who played the violin - I wish you could been there! He was... incredible. Brian: Incredible, huh? Justin: You know, it wouldn't hurt you to expose yourself to some culture. Brian: I expose myself to a little culture. There was an oboe player in the bath. [Brian grabs Justin from behind and covers his eyes.] Are you up for another birthday treat? Justin: No way! No fcking way! I knew it! All that bullshit about not doin' birthdays. You're just going to surprise me. What is it? [He leads Justin to the bedroom. Brian uncovers his eyes and Justin is crestfallen: the present is a naked man with a bow around his dick.] Man: Happy Birthday. Brian: Happy Birthday. You like your present? [Justin walks over and pulls the red ribbon off the trick's rather tiny dick. He pulls Justin in by the ribbon.] [Emmett answers the door to a gong noise. He is in full Geisha makeup, bowing and quietly.] Emmett: Welcome, kind gentlemen. Please enter. I am your hostess for the evening. [Then he giggles into his fingers.] Ted: Emmett, is this you? Emmett: Yeah, honey. What do you think? Ted: You put the gay back in Geisha. Michael: C'mon, hurry up! Get in. He can be here in any minute. Ted: Michael, M.Butterfly, this is Luke. Emmett: Hi, Luke. Right, we're saw us in the church. Michael: It's nice to meet you. Ted: Jesus, it looks like a dream I had after some bad noodles Japanese. Emmett: OK, maybe I get a little be carry away. C'mon in, have some sucking corn duddles. [Mel and Linds are coming up.] Ted: Oh, Mel, Linds this is Luke. Mel: Oh, so you're the famous Luke that Ted's been raving about. Lindsay: Ted thinks you're pretty truth. Mel: We think Ted's pretty terrfic, to. Ted: Tell him more, tell him more! I can get some suckie. [Michael opens the door. Uncle Vic shows up with Debbie.] Michael: Uncle Vic! Vic: I am in time, just like you said. I hope you don't mind. I broughed a long friend. Michael: Ma, you came! Debbie: Yeah, well my friend Rosie called and cancelled the last minute and I didn't has else to do. Michael: I'm glad you're here and I'm sure Ben will be to. Debbie: He's good to you, At least what I could do is some wish for a happy birthday and many more. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut back to Mel and Lindsay.] Mel: It's true - Ted's just been talking about you. Lindsay: I don't think I've heard anyone use as times in one sentence, the nicest, the cutest. Mel: He thinks you were a very special. Lindsay: You gotta be considering what he does. Mel: The dick channel. All dick all the time. Emmett: Well, this is about the most interesting discussion in the room. Lindsay: We're just saying how great it is that Luke is so convened about Ted's p0rn site. Not everyone would be. Luke: Why someone's passion about what he does. Emmett: He's passionate, all right. Eats, sleeps, drinks 24/7. p0rn, p0rn, p0rn. Ted: Sucky? Luke: No thanks. I don't drink. Ted: See? The kindest, the sweetest, the cutest... Mel: What I tell you? Ted: I think it's me who's the luckiest guy in the world. [Michael at the front door.] Michael: There is somebody's coming up the stairs. It's him! Everybody hide! [Everybody hides in the dark. One guy prances across the door just as the noise settles. The door opens. Everyone shouts "Surprise!" as Emmett hits a gong. It's Brian and Justin.] Michael: It's 7:20! You show up fashionate late for a surprise party! Brian: Well, we were busy having our own little celebration. Mel: You have a celebration? Lindsay: Brian keep you after all. Justin: Yeah, he call me a hustler. Mel: What?! Lindsay: Are you serious? Michael: [coming from the front door] He's coming! This time it's really him. Everybody hide! [Everyone hushes and the same guy prances across the room just as the room quiets down. Ben opens the door. Everyone shouts "Surprise!" Michael runs up and kisses Ben.] Michael: We really surprised him! We really surprised you! Happy birthday. Ben: What the fck it's goin' on? Michael: What do you mean? It's your birthday and I called all your friends. Ben: How do you know all my friends? Michael: Well, I borrow this. [He returns the stolen Palm Pilot.] Ben: OK, you've got this all the time? Michael: I'm only called Brett. Ben: You had no right, Michael. Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It's... [whispers] What the hell it the matter with you? Ben: I told you I didn't want a party. I don't wanna celebrate my goddamn birthday! Brian: Finally the man with the right attitude. Michael: [whispers] But Ben all you friends... Ben: How do you know my friends? [Ben looks right at Paul.] Ben: I want my friends out of me, now! Do you understand? [He storms off to his bedroom. Michael's friends quietly start to trail off.] Debbie: And this is the guy who's good for my son. [Michael and Brian are going through the dark city park.] Michael: After all I went and doin' something special and suprprise him to make him happy, how can he humiliate me in front of everyone like that?! Brian: Hey, could you slow down? Michael: And here I am thinking he is so wise and so together, you know, that he's so higher spiritual plain to us poor damn muruals but what he has me for? Cause I'm fcking stupid! Brian: Hey, are you finished? Michael: Why? You are in hurry to pick someone up? Brian: No, I'm just tired of your playing your variations of poor, little Michael. Michael: Oh, I'm so sorry I bore you! Brian: Well then try a little psalm. Michael: What did I do? Because I throw him a goddamn party? Brian: Never mind. Forget it. Go to Woody's, get drunk, throw up, passed out. You feel much better on it... Michael: No! Tell me! Brian: You want too much. You expect too much and then when your hero disappoints you, your heart gets crushed. Michael: So, what's the alternative? To expect nothing, to want nothing, like you? [Ted's p0rn website's office.] Ted: [in the headset] Oh, Jack and Jill around from Dusseldorf is in our line. He want see some double head dildo acting. Danke. [Then he see Luke] Hey, what a surprise! [he kisses him] Better than nice. Luke: Did I come the bad time? Ted: Around here? No such thing. Hey, let me give you the VIP tour. So, this is my little kingdom. Over here you see the boys doin' there little thing with their big things. Oh, easy guys. You got 15 more to go. Pace yourself. [to Luke] God, you're just the cutest. Well, if my members get one look of you. Don't worry, nobody gets you but me. What? Luke: I, uh, I came to tell you I think we're moving too fast. Ted: Too fast? Luke: In fact, I don't think we should see each other for a while. Ted: You're kiddin', right? Why? [He says nothing. We can hear the moaning of the guys] Ted: It's because of this, isn't it? Luke: I thoughed it wouldn't mean anything. I tried not to let it. I even told myself, it's just a job like any other job. You're providing a service. Ted: That's all it is! Luke: That's not all it is! [He starts to leave.] Ted: No, Luke, please... Luke: Don't make this more difficult. Ted: I will it to do whatever it takes, anything. You name it. I'll give it up. Luke: No, you should give up doin' what you love. Besides, it's not your problem. It's mine. Ted: Right, then we make it together. Luke: I'm sorry, Ted. [he kiss him on his cheek. Ted cries in his giant, poorly lit pornucopia.] Ted: Easy, guys. Pace yourselves. Pace yourselves. [Brian's helping Lindsay and Melanie load their car at a Home Depot. It's raining.] Brian: [to Linds] So, how does it feel to be Leda's gophers? Mel: She's doin' us a favor. Lindsay: We had to volunteer. Brian: Well, next time do us a favor and me - hire a professional. Mel: Yeah, you know about that. Lindsay: sh1t, I left my credit card. Mel: You sure? [Lindsay runs inside to get her credit card. Mel and Brian continue loading the trunk.] Mel: So, I hear you finally broke down and got Justin something for his birthday. A hustler! Brian: Yeah. He really got off on it. Mel: Just what he needs - to get laid. Brian: I didn't hear him complaining. Mel: Of course not. He wouldn't dare. Brian: Then why are you? Mel: Because, I'm not in love with you. Brian: Finally, someone who isn't. Mel: Might if you given him something more thoughtful? Brian: Would you save the Jewish mother guilt stuff for my son? Mel: Oh, fck off, Brian. I just trying to let you know what he wants. Brian: And what does he want, mama? Mel: Something romantic. Brian: Jesus Christ, what do you think we are? A couple of dykes? Mel: You should be so lucky. Brian: Maybe I've should send him a dozen roses. Mel: Why not? Brian: Because he's not my wife. We're not married. We're not straight. Mel: Couldn't you've been here your holier-than-thou, I'm gay and if you don't like it you can suck my dick principles just ones? Let him know you care. Brian: I thoughed he did. [Lindsay comes back.] Lindsay: Got it! [Lindsay runs back with her credit card, just in time. We have to watch Melanie push the cart across the parking lot. Then they all walk back to the car to drive off.] [Art school. One person in the entire school plays the violin, and that's Ethan. He play as loudly as he'd like in a rehearsal room while the other three students in the school lean against walls. Justin follows the sound of Ethan and walks into the rehearsal room. He watches Ethan play. Ethan stops playing when he sees Justin.] Ethan: I thoughed you were the maintenance guy. There's no heat. Justin: Sorry. Ethan: It's okay. Maybe things'll warm up now that you're here. Justin: [laughs] I was, uh, I just cut the music building and I've heard someone playin'. I thoughed it might be you. Sorry, if I had to pop in. Ethan: Well, now you found me. You want some tea? Justin: No. Ethan: You have no idea how diffucult it is to play Paganinis' open 17 in D-Major when ice forming on your bow. Justin: I wanna say thank you for the CD. Ethan: You listen to it? Justin: Six times. You're incredible. Ethan: I know. How was your birthday? Did you have a big party? Justin: Uh, not really. My boyfriend doesn't think being born is a reason to celebrate. Ethan: Oh, that sucks. Justin: I doesn't really want it, anyway. Ethan: No, I mean that you have a boyfriend. Justin: Oh. Ethan: Cause if I were your boyfriend, I give you a birthday you've never forget. Justin: Like what? Ethan: Like, first...I'd bring you breakfast in bed. And then I'd play for you. One of Nibelles noble essentimels, because that's how I picture you. Noble and innocently. And then we'd make love a couple hundred times. Justin: All that before lunch? Ethan: Yes. But I'm not your boyfriend. Justin: I had go back to class. [The metronome kicks in Ethan begins playing his violin.] [There's a knock at Michael's set door. Ben's at the door. Michael just walks away, and Ben has to let himself in. He shuts the door.] Ben: I've missed you the past few nights. Michael: Yeah, I thoughed it might be best if we're slept alone. In fact I think I ever sleep alone from now on. Ben: Michael, please, I know I got a little upset at the party... Michael: A little upset? You were a f*cking monster! You humiliating me, you humiliating yourself... Ben: I know that too. Michael: And after all that trouble I went through at you. Ben: I know, I know. Michael: Well, I won't be doin' that again! I mean, not that it matters because I don't think we're spending more birthdays... Ben: My T-cells went down. Michael: What? Ben: From my viral load is back up. Michael: How up? Ben: 125,000. I know it before I came home by the doctors getting the results. The cocktail's not working, the virus has become resistant. Michael: Well, keep they change the drugs? Ben: They already have. [Ben lights a cigarette.] Michael: Since when do you smoke? Ben: Since I'm nervous, Michael. You self look at me like that? Please, I am not perfect, you know? Michael: Yeah, I'm beginning to find that out. Ben: God knows I have tried, these religion, meditation, Yoga. You name it, I've been practise that open your achieve to stay in harmony. And then that happens and that's the only goal I have achieved that convince myself all that was bullshit. Michael: It's not bullshit. Ben: I've heard you, Michael. I heard the one person who means more than me than anyone else in the world and there is no excuse for it. You know, there is no excuse at all. Michael: Sure there is. You're human. [Michael wipes Ben's face, and we fade to white.] [Justin's looking at his quickly abandoned sketches. He finds Ethan's CD at the bottom of the stack. Justin sits as the spinny-cam does its magic. He places the CD in the player and listens as he sits in the spinny-stool. Justin spins around the room, dancing to Ethan's music. Just quietly listening and spinning. Cut to Brian. He thinks about buying some roses.] Vendor: Those are nice. Can I wrap them for you? Brian: No, thanks. [Brian walks into the wet streets.]	Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who ignores Justin's birthday? A: a violin concert; Q: Where did Melanie and Lindsay take Justin to celebrate his birthday? A: the gorgeous and talented Ethan; Q: Who does Justin meet at the violin concert? A: Michael's surprise party; Q: What is the name of the party that is a disaster for Ben? A: Ted; Q: Who falls for Luke? A: porn; Q: What is Ted's career? Summary: Brian ignores Justin's birthday, so Melanie and Lindsay take him to a violin concert - where he meets the gorgeous and talented Ethan. Michael's surprise party for Ben is a disaster. Ted falls for Luke - he seems perfect, but can he accept Ted's career in porn?
Andy: You wanted to see me? Michael: Yeah, Have a seat. Andy: Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared. Michael: Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk. Andy: Why would people say that? Michael: I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me? Andy: Andy have a boo-boo tummy. Michael: Mmm-hmm. Andy: Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?" Michael: Okay. Andy: "Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast. Michael: You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand." Andy: Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy. Michael: You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies. Andy: Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying. Michael: Okay, who said that? Andy: I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic. Michael: [Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops. Andy: [baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis. Michael: [as Elvis] You're welcome, baby. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news. Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor? Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays. Jim: Wow, what do you put our chances at? Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat! Jim: Hmm, sounds risky. Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Wow, that's not such a bad idea. Andy: Great! [sits down] Jim: Anything else? Andy: Nope! [stands up and leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those. Michael: Keep. Erin: There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those? Michael: I want to keep those so I can see what I sent. Erin: That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder. Michael: Keep. Erin: There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip Slip." Michael: For what? Erin: "Nip slip." Michael: Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there... Erin: Well... Michael: Must be hackers. Jim: Hey. What's up? Michael: What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend? Jim: Did you murder someone? Michael: Worse than that. Erin: Oh, my God. Michael: Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam. Jim: I think she's okay. Michael: Is that what we're going for now? "okay?" We used to go for "pretty good." Jim: Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program? Michael: Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but... Jim: You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager. Michael: Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month. Jim: It would look bad. Sorry. Michael: It would look good, on my mantle. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea! Dwight: Yeah! Your idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory? Pam: [glances at it] Looks great. Erin: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't. Pam: Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence? Michael: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox. Phyllis: What's "Scott's Tots?" Stanley: Has it really been ten years? [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [shows newspaper article and reads] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders" [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael, why did you promise that? Michael: To change lives. Pam: No Michael, why would you promise that? Michael: Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this. Erin: We've already rescheduled seven times. Pam: Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done. Michael: Well... Pam: It's terrible. Michael: No. Pam: Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right? Pam: No! Michael: I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right. Pam: You have to tell them. Michael: Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin] Erin: I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it. Pam: It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth. Michael: Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey Jimmy, what's up? Jim: Not much. Dwight: Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office. Jim: [laughs] Thanks Dwight. Dwight: That laugh is so infectious. Jim: You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go. Dwight: I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work. Jim: Let me guess, you think you should get it. Dwight: This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize. Jim: Well, in an ideal world... Dwight: In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. Jim: Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away "Survival Skills" and "Self-defense." Dwight: I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data. Jim: That's okay, I'll do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Mikela: Mr. Scott? Michael: Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you? Mikela: I'm good. Michael: Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone? Mikela: It's in the music room, Mr. Scott. Michael: Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind. Erin: Wow! Michael: Well, you didn't even hear it. Mikela: Everyone's so excited that you're here today. Michael: Oh, good. Mikela: Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first? Michael: Sure. Erin: [points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous. Mikela: I'm sure you remember this place. Michael: Oh, yeah. Mikela: Do you want to go in? Michael: No, not at all. Nope, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just... Mikela: We just want to say thanks. Michael: Oh. Students: [cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! [SCENE_BREAK] Teacher: Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you. Students: [getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Lefevre: You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable! Students: Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Michael: Wow! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in- Kevin: Hey. Dwight: So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing. Kevin: Jim said that? Dwight: He thought you were doing an incredible job last month. Kevin: Jim said that? Dwight: You seem suprised. Kevin: No, no, that makes total sense. Dwight: Hey buddy, so every- Oscar: Sure. [puts in the twenty] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule. [SCENE_BREAK] Teacher: Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much. [SCENE_BREAK] Lefevre: There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama. Michael: [crying] Oh, God. Oh, God. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is? Andy: Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert. Everyone: Huh? What? Oscar: Are you kidding me? Dwight: Oh, no! Jim: Okay, wait, I was not... I did not- Kevin: I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not? Jim: Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score. Angela: To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us. Jim: Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize. Angela: Yes! Jim: Dwight? Dwight: Yeah, you said "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize." Isn't that what you said? Jim: No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But- Phyllis: Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money. [SCENE_BREAK] Teacher: Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott. Michael: All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go? Teacher: Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period Michael: Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name? Zion: I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother. Michael: Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Mikela: You lied to us. Michael: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place. Lefevre: You owe this to us! Michael: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you. Students: [yelling] Michael: Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway. Andy: Correction. It was my idea. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: My idea! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant. Pam: Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on. Phyllis: That's fair. Dwight: Excellent idea, Pam. Pam: Thank you. Andy: That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert. Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible? Dwight: There must be some reasonable explanation for this. Pam: No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month. Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yup. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay? Deliveryman: Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert. Jim: Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake. Kevin: Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim] Angela: "It could only be you!" Way to go. Dwight: He knew all along! Kelly: I'm going to have some cake. [SCENE_BREAK] Stephanie: David Wallace's office. Dwight: [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there? Stephanie: No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message? Dwight: Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here. [SCENE_BREAK] Lefevre: Hey, Mr. Scott. Michael: Erin, can you give us a second? Lefevre: That was messed up what you did. Michael: Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry. Lefevre: Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that? Michael: What can I do? Lefevre: You can pay for my college. Michael: I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay? Lefevre: They're expensive. Michael: Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right? Lefevre: It's about $1,000. Michael: Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year. Lefevre: No, $1,000 each year. Michael: For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around. Lefevre: Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa. Michael: That's a lot of zeroes. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: This is Jim. David Wallace: Jim, what the hell is happening there? Jim: Hey, uh David. David: Yes. Jim: So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it. David: Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife? Jim: No. David: Am I missing something? Jim: I really don't know how it happened, David. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I know how it happened. [SCENE_BREAK] [Dwight is listening to the recording-pen from Jim's office] David: Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion. Jim: All right, it will not happen again. I promise. David: Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you. Dwight: No! David: It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right? Dwight: What? Jim: Yeah. Thank you. Dwight: No. David: Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend? Dwight: What? Jim: Yes. David: Okay. Dwight: Oh, you're kidding me! Jim: See you. Dwight: Damn it! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do--- Michael: Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today. Erin: No. Michael: Yes. Erin: No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy. Michael: You're what, like, 12? Erin: The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think. Michael: I think you're doing a great job. Erin: Really? Michael: What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business? Erin: I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant. Michael: Really? Erin: Yes, but I'm terrible at math so... Michael: You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse. Erin: Seriously? Michael: Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too. Michael and Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: See you tomorrow, Dwight. Dwight: Apparently. Ryan: How's it going? Good day? Dwight: Not now, Temp. Ryan: Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan. Dwight: What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan] Ryan: I found a copy of it in the copier tray. Dwight: So what do you want? Ryan: I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.	Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who must renege on a promise he made to a group of kids ten years ago? A: their college tuition; Q: What did Michael promise to pay for a group of kids ten years ago? A: support; Q: What does Erin provide to Michael despite his mean treatment? A: Jim; Q: Who survives Dwight's scheme to get him fired? A: one; Q: How many schemes does Dwight use to get Jim fired? A: Dwight; Q: Who rigs the employee of the month program to be Jim and Pam? A: the winners; Q: Who did Dwight rig to be Jim and Pam? A: Ryan; Q: Who joins forces with Dwight to bring down Jim? Summary: Michael must renege on a promise he made to a group of kids ten years ago to pay for their college tuition. However, in spite of his mean treatment, Erin proves a source of support. Meanwhile, Jim falls victim to one of Dwight's schemes to get him fired: creation of an employee of the month program. Although the staff and David are angered when Dwight rigs the winners to be Jim and Pam, Jim survives. Ryan joins forces with Dwight to bring down Jim.
FOOTBALL GAME - Field Speaker: We are live from Panther Stadium, in Dillon, Texas. And we are ready to play football. It was just a week ago this town was rocked by the tragic injury to our quarterback, Jason Street, a young man who embodied the hopes and dreams DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason's mom: Jason, are you sure you want to watch the game? I can just... Jason: Leave it, please. FOOTBALL GAME - Field Speaker: Now, the question is, will Coach Taylor be able to survive without his star quarterback? And can young Matt Saracen step up to lead this team? Saracen's only taken about three snaps his entire career.. Matt: We're going with I right, power. 44 tomahawk, on one. Ready, break. Speaker: Tonight, it's all about the ground game. Coach Taylor's, gonna have to hope Saracen can get the ball into the hands of their outstanding running back Smash Williams, if the Panthers are gonna have a shot. DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason: Come on, Matt. FOOTBALL GAME - Field Speaker:Saracen's into the count. Defense pushing in. They're expecting run. He opens to the left, hand off to Williams. Wait, Saracen keeps on a bootleg. Oh, and he gets drilled as he lets that ball go. He's got Dolia at the 45. He makes the catch. To the 40. What an inspired call by Coach Taylor. He could go all the way! DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason: Go. FOOTBAL GAME - Field Speaker: He's to the 20, to the 15. I don't think they're gonna catch him. Oh, Dolia gets stripped at the 10-yard line. And the Rattlers come up with the ball. What a gutsy call by Coach Taylor, but, man, did that just blow up in his face. FOOTBALL GAME - Cloakrooms Eric: Execution! Where the hell's the execution out there?! Huh?! My God, we oughta be beating these bums by 40 points! Riggins, you're supposed to be one of the toughest guys in the district! They are handing your ass to you, son! You better get your head in the game. FOOTBALL GAME - Field Matt: Hut, hut! FOOTBALL GAME - Cloakrooms Eric: Smash...north, south. North, south. If you want to dance with these boys out there, you invite them to the prom! Smash: They spottin' me every... Eric: What?! You got something to say to me?! Smash: Call some play-action to open me up, Coach. They see me coming. Eric: What?! I can't hear you. What?! FOOTBALL GAME - Field Speaker: Our Dillon Panthers are runnin' out of time. Deep into the fourth quarter. Come on, coach! Run the football now! There're only 15 seconds left in this contest, folks. And it is third and goal from the 9. The Panthers down by six points. And they have all but self-destructed here tonight. Although you've got to admire the courage of young Matt Saracen. This quarterback has really played hard, with a lot of heart. DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason: Read your defenses. Come on, Saracen. FOOTBALL GAME - Field Matt: Hut! Speaker: Saracen on the fake. He drops back. He's in trouble. He beats 'em out around the right side. Oh, he's got legs on him. The 15, the 10. The 5. He's gonna score. He's down to the 3. Bringing it hard to the goal line. And dropped right at the goal line. The Panthers are saying touchdown, but we are gonna wait to see what the referee's call is. No touchdown. DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason: Damn it. They had it. They had 'em beat. FOOTBALL GAME - Field Speaker: That is it for our Dillon Panthers. They have lost a heartbreaker here, in a game that they should have easily dominated tonight. And I'll tell you, Coach Taylor is off to a disastrous start this season, folks. FOOTBALL GAME - Cloakrooms Eric: Saracen! That was a good game. But not good enough. Not nearly good enough! [ Credits ] RIGGINS'HOUSE - Living room Billy: It ain't hard, Tim. Hell, it's not rocket science. You beat the living dog snot out of those guys. You win the game, then you go out and you get yourself a little piece of tail. What part of that equation don't you understand? You guys just bent over and grabbed your ankles. You shamed your good name. Tim: Yeah, I feel really awful about that. Billy: Speaking of pieces of tail, Lyla Garrity. You're not... What? I can't understand you when you're not moving your mouth, Tim... you're not speaking. Lyla: Hi, is Tim here? Billy: Uh, no. Not at the moment. Lyla: Well, can you please tell him that Lyla Garrity stopped by and I will be in the hospital with his best friend Jason Street! Today and tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. So whenever he wants to visit is fine. But Jason is asking for him, so sooner is better. Could you please tell him that when you see him? Billy: I'll give him the message, sweetie. Lyla: Thanks. EXT. SARACEN'S HOUSE Landry: Matt, I've been working on this theory. Matt: You know what? Can you just help me out? I really don't want my grandmother to see this. Landry: Funny you should mention that, because she's at the core of my theory. Tell me this. Dillon hasn't lost to South Milbank in what, like, 20 years? Matt: 17. Landry: 17, right. So why do they lose now? No, I know what you're thinking, and that's not it. 'Cause you know you played a good game last night. I mean, that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is the supernatural. Matt: You're retarded. Landry: In a lot of cultures, they believe older women to be very powerful witches. Matt: Oh, you think my grandma is a witch. Look, my grandmother can barely remember how to work the phone half the time. How's she gonna put a spell on the Dillon Panthers? Plus, why would she put a spell... Grad ma: Matt? Matt? What are y'all doin' out here? Matt: I'm just cleaning up a little bit, Grandma. Grand ma: Oh, well, when you get done, I want you to go out back and water the children. Matt: Y-You mean the flowers, Grandma? Is that what you mean? Grand ma: Yeah. Just what I said, wasn't it? People: Hey, losers! DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Nurse: Come on, you got it. Lift it up. There you go, give it a shot. Lift it up. Lift, lift, lift, lift, lift. Unh! All right. All right. Relax. Jason: I want to do this again. I can do it again. Nurse: You don't have to do it. Jason: I can do it. Nurse: Not today. Not today. Let's wait for tomorrow. All right? Down you go. It's all right. Okay? Jason: Thank you. Nurse: There you go. All right, you good? Jason: Yes. Lyla: Hey, baby. Hey, Danielle. Nurse: Hey, Lyla, how you doing? Lyla: Good. How are you? Nurse: All right, Jason, same time tomorrow? Jason: Yes, ma'am. I'll be here. Nurse: All right. Lyla: Hi. Boy, were you missed last night. We got spanked. It's like no one knew what to do without you. I'll tell you what, I would not wanna be Coach Taylor right now, that is for sure. Jason: Just give him some time, all right? He'll be fine. Lyla: So, we're expecting a huge turnout for the pancake supper tomorrow. Jason: The what? Lyla: The pancake supper. The benefit. Jason: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Lyla: To help with the cost of the rehab facility. Jason: Yeah. Lyla: It's exciting going to that rehab place. You know why? Jason: Why is that? Lyla: Because that's where you're gonna get your legs back. Jason: Lyla... Lyla: You and me, we can get through anything. Jason: What's up? Lyla: Oh... Jason: What? Lyla: Um, excuse me. Nurse? Jason: Lyla. Lyla: Something's wet down there. Jason: Dolores, what's going on? Nurse: Excuse me. Jason, it's your catheter. Jason: Oh, God. Nurse: We're gonna take care of you. Can you give us a minute? Can you give us a minute? Lyla: Um, I... Nurse: Just a minute. Go ahead. You're going to be fine, Jason. EXT. DILLON - Shop Jason's mom: Hey. Tim. Tim: Hey. Jason's mom: How you doing, honey? Tim: Hi. I'm okay. How are... How are you and Mr. Street doing? Jason's mom: We're, uh... We're holding out. Jason's been asking about you. Tim: Yeah. I've been meaning to go to see Jay, and... Jason's mom: I know, you're busy with football and all. Tim, just 'cause Jason's in the hospital doesn't mean you can't come over for Tuesday night dinner. Tim: Thank you ma'am. I'll, uh... I'll call you. Jason's mom: Get some rest, okay? Take care of yourself. Tim: Yes, ma'am. Jason's mom: Am I gonna see you tonight at the pancake supper? Tim: Yes, ma'am. Jason's mom: Good. Bye-bye, honey. DILLON RESTAURANT Eric: I'll tell you what, if she did let us get a dog, the kind of dog we're gonna get is a brown Labrador. And if it's not a brown Labrador, we're not getting a dog. Julie: Then we can name it, like, Fluffy, or Spike. Eric: Hey, Jill. Two burgers, with bacon. Julie: Onion rings, Diet Coke. Extra cheese. Spicy chicken sandwich for mom. Get Mom's... And Dad's. Eric: Don't do it with he three hamburgers. Go sit down. Too much dead cow. She wants onion rings, diet cola. Um, we need two burgers. I need a spicy chicken to go. And I'll have the biggest French fries you have. Man: You're Eric Taylor's girl, right? Julie: Uh, yeah. Man: I was just wondering if y'all had started packing yet. Julie: Uh... Man: Things can get real unpleasant around here when you lose. Eric: Can I help you? Man: I was just telling her how it works around here when you lose football games. Eric: If you got a problem, you can talk to me. You don't have to talk to my daughter about it. Man: I do have a problem. I have a problem with you pissing our season away calling them dumb-ass plays. Eric: I'm here with my 15-year-old daughter. You know? So I'm just gonna walk away right now. That's really great of you, though. I sure appreciate that. Come on, let's go. Man: You got no guts. See, that's why you ain't gonna never have one of these. Eric: All right. Don't listen to him. Don't listen to that. Man: You won't even finish out the year here, Taylor. You will not last one year. PRACTISE Eric: These are some big horses we're running up against. Their offensive line averages 290 across the board. Matt, how big's our biggest guy? McGill: Oh, Pudnick goes about 265. Eric: When you run up against the biggest boy on the block, you gotta be faster. Velocity kills, gentlemen. We need to be faster. We will outlast them. We will go above and beyond. Smash, what the hell you doin', son? Smash: Hey, Coach, look, listen. Me and the guys have been talking. Look, we got a tough game coming up. Shouldn't we work on some hand-offs? Give our QB some practice? I mean, seriously, we gotta get that boy up to speed. Player: Maybe we should get him a tutor. Smash: We all know what the problem is. Look, the guy's a weak link. Eric: I'll tell you what. Everybody listen up! I was gonna let everyone get out of here early this morning. But since you're in such good shape. What do you say we run five more? Smash: Coach, are you... Eric: How 'bout ten extra ones? Smash: I don't see how this... Eric: 15 more! I can count real high, Smash. How high do you think I can count? You want to test me?! Let's go! Let's go! Pick it up! Buddy: There he is. There he is. Mr Deitz: You wanted to talk to me, Mr. Garrity? Buddy: Hello, Mr. Deitz, how you doing? Well, so there's this stud quarterback out of Louisiana. He's displaced. Katrina victim. And he's over here now. Name's Ray Tatom. Mr Deitz: Voodoo Tatom? Buddy: You know him? Mr Deitz: I know of him. Buddy: He's gonna be over in Marlsboro Thursday afternoon. At that old lot over there, about 2:00. What I thought was maybe you and I could just kind of ease over there. You know, drive over there and check him out. See if he lives up to the hype. Eric: Let's go, Smash! Get on there! Pick it up! Mr Deitz: Yes, sir. GARRITY'S HOUSE - Lyla's room Lyla: Hey, you get the napkins and stuff? Pam: Yep, we're all set. Lyla: Good. We better hurry. All the girls are gonna be there soon. If no one's there to tell 'em what to do, they'll just fool around. Pam: Slow down. There's time. So, your birthday's tomorrow. What do you want to do? Lyla: I'm having dinner with Jason in the hospital. Pam: Oh, honey... Lyla: What? Pam: You've been spending so much time there lately. I thought we could go out. Lyla: No, Mom, it's already all planned. Sorry. Pam: Lyla, are you sure this isn't all just too much? I mean, you're at the hospital every day. Lyla: You'd do it for Dad, wouldn't you? Pam: Well, yeah, but he's my husband. Lyla: Well, I'm marrying Jason someday. Pam: Honey, you need to accept the reality of the situation. I mean, this is a terrible thing that has happened. And maybe you should talk to someone. Lyla: He's coming back from this, okay? He just is. That's all there is to it. He needs me right now. PANCAKE SUPPER Landry: Yep, Matt, the river of Rally Girls has pretty much run dry. Matt: Will you shut up? Lois: Look at him go at it. Julie: Ew, gross. All right, wanna go get a turkey burger? Matt: Hey, Julie, I got you some soy sausage. Julie: Hey, Matt. Thank you, but I'm actually on my way out. So you can have my pancakes. All right, I'll see you later. Matt: All right. Julie: Bye. Matt: Damn. Mayor Rodell: I heard about your new job. Mm-hmm. Congratulations. Tami: Thank you. Buddy: Jason Street is probably never gonna play football again. You know about as well as I do. And Matt Saracen is not gonna take us to State. Mayor Rodell: The last school counselor killed herself. That's right. Tami: I'm sorry? Mayor Rodell: Yeah, she killed herself with pills, I think. Buddy: I was just thinking it was about time for us to move on the Katrina kid. Eric: Let me just say one thing about that. I hope this is on the up and up, because I really got enough headaches going on right now as it is. Buddy: Just let me handle it.. I just need you to look at the tapes for me, if you will. Will you just look at the tape, Coach? Just look at it for me. Eric: All right. All right. Buddy: Good. Smash: Look who it is. My little ray of sunshine. Tyra: Not now, Smash. Have you seen Tim? He said he was gonna be here. Smash: No, I haven't seen Rig. He probably passed out cold somewhere. Let's talk about us. Tyra: I don't think so. EXT. DILLON Tyra: Hey, dumb-ass. Just gonna ignore me? Think I'll go away? Tim: That's what I keep hoping, but you don't seem to want to get the message. Tyra: You know, you're such a big tough guy. You can't even go see Jason in the hospital. I mean, damn, it, Tim, grow a set, why don't you! 'Cause we both know that's what this is all about. Tim: Hey, Tyra. How's Smash? Was he good? Did you have a nice time? Tyra: Nothing happened. Not really. Besides, don't pretend like you haven't slept with half the Rally Girls. Tim: We sure do have something special here, Tyra. Tyra: You know, maybe you're right. Maybe I am wasting my time. 'Cause you are just another mediocre football player, who's gonna grow up to drink himself to death. Maybe we should just end this right now. Tim: I'll see you around then. Tyra: I am serious, Tim. Are you listening to me? If I get in that car right now, I'm never coming back. Do you understand? Tim: I get it. Tyra: That's it? Breaking up for real, and that's all you have to say. That was great ERIC'S OFFICE - Meeting coach Eric: All right, Tatom can throw the ball. Can he scramble under pressure? McGill: Keep watching. Kid's team went to the state championship last year. Broke three tackles on a 40-yard touchdown. Eric: You've seen this tape already? McGill: Yeah, I was over at Buddy's last weekend. Barbecue. Eric: I didn't know y'all were such good friends. DILLON HIGH - Hallway Rally girl: Hey, Tim. Here's that paper on East of Eden. I misspelled a bunch of the words so this time, it'll look like yours. And your biology homework is on the bottom. Tim: Thanks. Rally girl: So I heard that you and Tyra broke up. Is it true? Tim: I suppose it is. Yeah. Lyla: Hey, Tim. Girl: Bye, Lyla. Lyla: Tim? Hey. We're having a prayer meeting for Jason this afternoon. You wanna come? Tim: What are we praying for, Lyla? A new spine for Jay? Lyla: Tim. I know you never do anything you don't want to do, and I guess that's fine. But don't insult me. [SCENE_BREAK] TAMI'S OFFICE Matt: Excuse me, Mrs. Taylor? Tami: Hey, Matt. Matt: Hey...oh. Tami: Come on in. We'll do... We'll do the rest later? Man: Yes, thank you. Tami: Hey, Matt, how are you? How's it going? Matt: I need to drop pre-calculus, so that I can go to morning practices. Tami: Oh, okay. When are you gonna take pre-calculus? Matt: Uh, next semester, I guess, when football is done. Tami: All right, as long as you take it. Matt: Yeah, I'm gonna take it. Tami: You sure? Matt: Yeah. Tami: Okay. I know I saw drop cards somewhere. How have you been doing? How are you holding up through all this? It's been kind of a crazy time, has... Drop card! Here you go. You can fill that out. I'll sign it. Matt: Yeah, we're gonna do a lot better against Arnett Mead, so, you know, don't worry about that. Tami: No, but what I mean is how are you doing? I mean, you know. I know your dad's in Iraq, and that you're living with your grandma, right? Matt: Yeah, uh, I'm fine. I mean, Grandma's going through one of her good spells right now. So that's... that's good. Tami: There are bad spells sometimes? Matt: I mean, nothing, really. Just, like, she gets a little loopy sometimes. I mean, she'll put the ice cream in the cupboard. Or forget to take her medication, that kind of stuff. It's really not...It's not a big deal. Tami: Is it your responsibility to make sure she takes her medication? Matt: Well, there's really no one else around, so... Tami: Boy, you got a lot on your plate. I mean, I think just football itself is more than a full-time job. Matt: Yeah, well, I mean, I really love playing football. So I just hope I get to keep playing. Tami: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. You're doing a great job. Matt: Yeah, but I keep hearing that, like, they're trying to bring in this Katrina refugee, or something. This quarterback from New Orleans. Tami: I never heard anything about that. PRACTISE Eric: Keep your head up. Keep your head up. Come on, Riggins, let's go. Hold on to that ball. Come on, keep digging your legs. Come on, son. What's your problem? You do it again. Keep your legs moving. Keep your head up. Keep digging. Come on, son, let's go. Let's go! Keep your head up. Keep digging your legs. Keep your head up. Keep digging. Get over here. Come here. I don't see you preparing for this game, son. You go hard or you go home. Come on, now, you're out here, you give 110%, like everybody else. You give 110% all the time. Not just when you feel like it. Now, come on, son, do it again. Let's do it again. Don't do it, son. Don't do that. Don't do what I think you're about to do. Don't do that. You don't want to do that. Son, don't... McGill: Let him go, Coach. Listen, he's been watching the game film from when Street got hurt. I have a feeling he thinks it's all his fault. Eric: What the hell would he think it's his fault for? McGill: I don't know, maybe he thought he might have made the tackle, or something. Eric: The kid was 30 yards away. McGill: Hey, hey, Coach, listen. You can blame yourself for just about anything, if you think about it long enough. Buddy: Hey, Coach. Coach. What was that? Did I just see Tim Riggins just walk off practice? You know, that is one thing that never, ever would have happened in the old days. Ever, you think? No. No way. But you know, times have changed, I guess, huh? Eric: What can I do for you, Buddy? Buddy: Well, I just wanted to see if you want to go with us over to, you know, talk to that kid. That Ray Tatom kid. Eric: Matt Saracen may be a wild card. You know one thing I like about Matt Saracen? Buddy: What's that? Eric: I don't have to be worried about recruiting violations. Buddy: Who said anything about recruiting? I didn't say anything about recruiting. This is about that kid whose whole family has lost everything... devastated by Katrina. It'll help us out, And we can help him out. That's all. That's all there is to it. I mean, it's a win-win situation. Right, Mac? DILLON MOTEL Buddy: Whoa! Hey, Coach. Man: Buddy. Coach. Buddy: What'd I tell you? I told you he'd be there. Here it is. We're here, Vic. Man: You and everybody else. Come on in. Buddy: Good to see you. Hey, Voodoo. Man: Coach. Good to see you. Buddy: How are you, son? Man: Look here. This boy and his family have been through a terrible time. They lost everything in Katrina. And they've been bouncing around from place to place ever since. Buddy: The people of Dillon, Texas, are here to open their hearts. We might be able to provide housing. Very fine, very comfortable housing. Man: They need a fresh start. Buddy: We might be able to get Mr. Tatom over there a nice new job. We could arrange that. We might also even be able to arrange a little fund. You know, from some of the local businesses. Might be able to help a family get back up on its feet. We could set you up. The town of Dillon is a generous town. It's a fine town. It's a good place to call home. Man: He gets a guarantee to start? Buddy: Oh, yeah. That's right. Right, Coach? Eric: You know what, Buddy? Actually, I got a problem with that. I got a problem with that. Buddy: Well, now, you know, the coach and I can work on the details later. Eric: The point is, you want to go all the way, son? Voodoo: I am going all the way. Eric: You want to play college ball, go to the pros? Voodoo: That's the idea. Eric: Then you want to be with the number one team in Texas. Your representation can squeeze all it can out of this. But it's not about new cars and start-up money. This is about your future. And starting positions aren't handed out in motel rooms. They're earned on the field. You want to play with Arnett Mead, fine. They're gonna have a short season. It's your choice. Ma'am. It was nice to meet you. I wish all the luck to your family. GARRITY'S HOUSE - Kitchen Pam: I am telling you I need some help here. Buddy: Yeah, well, what do you want me to do? Pam: I want you to talk to her. You know, I love how you can find time to take an 80-mile road trip if the Dillon Panthers need something. But if your own daughter... Buddy: Hey, hey, she is gonna be fine. She's a smart girl. She's got a good head on her shoulders. Pam: How is she fine? She's living in a fantasy land... She's not thinking about college. She's not thinking about her own future. I mean, what's she gonna do? She's put all her eggs in one basket, and I'm sorry to tell you this, but you and I let her. Buddy: Just give it some time. 'Cause she'll get bored, and she'll move on. Mm-hmm. She will. Pam: Mm-hmm. TAYLOR'S HOUSE - Living room Tami: Hey. Eric: Hey, kids. Julie: Hi, Daddy. Tami: Did you eat any dinner? Eric: Uh, no, I didn't. But I think I can find something here. Tami: There's chicken in there. Hey, you didn't tell me that y'all are getting a new quarterback from New Orleans. Eric: Where did you hear that? Tami: Well, Matt Saracen came in today. He's feeling real stressed out about it. Eric: Really? Matt Saracen's under a lot of pressure, huh? Tami: Yeah. Eric: Maybe I should go over to Matt Saracen's house and make him some Omaltine, read him a bedtime story. Tami: I think you might want to just try a little compassion with him. Julie: Bye, Daddy. Eric: Hey, kiddo. Tami: You don't need to be sarcastic. Eric: You know what I think? I think everybody in this town is telling me how to do my job. And the one thing I think those kids don't need is that they don't need compassion. That's what I think. You want to know what else I think? What they do need to do is they need to win. And something else. You and I, we need to win, Tami. We need to win. Tami: Honey, there's Smash. TV is on... "Channel 13 Sports here at Hermann Field, where the Panthers had a great season last year. Hopefully they'll repeat that success this year." Journalist: Been a lot of talk around Dillon that Taylor's not the right guy for the job. Smash: Oh, see, look, man, I can't even mess with you. You're already trying to get me in trouble. Journalist: Oh, no. I just want to know where you stand. Come on, you must have an opinion. Smash: Oh, yeah, I got an opinion. Journalist: I mean, I would, if I were you. You've got a lot to lose, if the coach mismanages this team. Smash: Look, off the record, I just think Coach T ought to be winning football games. That's all I'm saying. Journalist: See, I knew you had an opinion about how things were going. Tami: Let it go. Journalist: How do you feel about Friday night? Tami: He's a stupid kid, honey. Let it go. Eric, what are you doing? Just let it go. Come on. On Phone... Eric: Mac, I want... Yes, I did just see it. I want you to get the team together, and I want you to meet me at the field house in a half an hour. Yes, Mac, I know what time it is. Mac, meet me at the field house in half an hour. Thank you. Tami: Bye. Eric: You guys have a nice night now. SARACEN'S HOUSE - Living room Grand ma: Who's calling so late? Who's calling so late? Matt: I got... I got it. Hello? Now? PLAYER'S HOME Man: Coach is on the phone for you. RIGGINS' HOUSE Billy: Hey...you better get dressed. SMASH'S HOUSE Smash: Somebody gonna get that? Noannie, get the door! Eric: Hi, sweetie. You get yourself dressed. We're going on a little field trip. I'll see you in the car in two minutes. You tell your mother I say hello. ON BUS Smash: What's goin' on? Matt: I have no idea. EXT. DILLON Eric: Let's go. Everybody off the bus. Let'go, gentlemen. Let's go! Smash: What's he gonna do, kill us all? Matt: Maybe. Eric: Move 'em out. McGill: Line 'em up! Line 'em up! Eric: Wind sprints, up and down the hill. Let's go. Let's go. Go, move it, come on. If you think you're champions because you wear the Panther uniform, you're wrong! If you think you're champions because they give you a piece of pie at the diner, you're wrong! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Champions don't complain! Champions don't give up! Let's go, Coach. Send 'em now! Champions don't give up! Champions don't complain! Champions give 200%! You're not champions until you've earned it! Turn around. Don't stay in them bushes. Let's go! Let's go! There you go. Let's go. McGill: Coach, don't you think maybe they've had enough? Eric: I'll say when they've had enough. Smash: Clear eyes... full hearts... Matt: Can't lose! Smash: Clear eyes... full hearts... All: Can't lose! Smash: Clear eyes, ... full hearts... All: Can't lose! Smash: Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose! Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose! Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose! All: Can't lose! Smash: Go! DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Lyla: Cute movie, right? Jason: It was a pretty sad birthday, huh? Lyla: No, it wasn't. This was exactly what I wanted, Jason. Anyway, we'll go to dinner next year. When you're all better. Jason: When I'm better? Lyla, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not getting any better. Can't you see that? Lyla: Come on, Jason, you gotta have faith. Jason: Lyla, stop. Lyla: Jason...listen to me. This is just a little hiccup. That's all. It's a year. In one year, you'll be back on track. Jason: Lyla, stop it. Lyla: You will go to Notre Dame-- Jason: Stop it! Stop! My legs are never gonna get better. Ever. Lyla: But there are cases, lots of cases... Jason: And those cases aren't me. All right? I don't even have full use of my hands. I'll be lucky if I get that back. I can't even put my own shoes on and off. How can you not see that?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Lyla: I'm just trying to help. Jason: Yeah, well, you're not helping! You want to help? Then stop pretending that everything's okay! Lyla: Why are you getting so mad? Jason: Because every night when I go to sleep, I dream that I can walk again. And every morning, I wake up, and I have to accept it all over again. And then you walk in here, all smiles, and acting like nothing's wrong. And it's killing me! So get this through your head. All right? My life as we knew it...over. Lyla: Don't say that, Jason. Jason: Football...over. Notre Dame, going pro, all that...gone. You and me? We're not getting married. So I need you to do something for me, all right? Get out. Get out!Don't just look at me, go! Lyla: I'll be back tomorrow for when they... transfer you to the rehab facility. EXT. DILLON Eric: What happened to Jason Street was nobody's fault. This is football. Things happen. It was an accident. You understand me? Tim: I didn't even try, Coach. I didn't even... Eric: You were on the other side of the field. It wouldn't have mattered. It was an accident. It was not your fault. Look at me. I want you to let yourself off the hook, son. I want you to let yourself off the hook. Tim: Yes, sir. Eric: Be smart. Tim: Yes, sir. Eric: Now, you ever walk out of one of my practices again, and I will kick your ass off the team. That's a promise. Understood? Tim: Yes, sir. Eric: You owe me a practice. You walk home. We'll call it even. Tim: Coach. ON ROAD Lyla: What are you doing here? Do you want a ride? Tim: Isn't it past your bedtime, Lyla? Lyla: What, are you drunk again? Tim: Soon enough, Lyla. Soon enough. Lyla: You know, I thought God would do me a favor because I'm such a good girl. Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard? Tim: It's not stupid... Lyla: Shut up, Tim. What's wrong with you? Jason is in the hospital, and you won't even go to see him. You can walk! You can walk on your two feet to get another glass of beer if that's what you want to do. Why don't you get it? You make me sick. Why won't you go see him? He's your best friend. He asks about you all the time. Why don't you help me? Why don't you got and see him? Tim: Don't hit me. Lyla: He's never gonna walk again. They kiss... TAYLOR'S HOUSE - Parents' room Tami: It's 3:00 in the morning. Where have you been? Eric: Practice. DILLON HOSPITAL - Jason's room Jason's mom: Where's Lyla? I thought she said she was gonna be here. All right, you ready? Nurse: You gotta shift your weight back... Lyla: Hey, sorry, I'm late. Jason's mom: Oh, there you are. I was just asking about you. Lyla: Hey. Jason: I'm real sorry about last night. Can we just pretend like it didn't happen? Lyla: Okay. Jason: You know I didn't mean any of it. I love you. Lyla: I love you too. Jason: Oh. Thanks, Pop. Nurse: You okay? Jason: Uh-huh. Nurse: Okay, Jason, we're sure gonna miss you around here. Jason: I'll miss you, too. Not the room, though. I'll come back and visit. PRACTISE Eric: Drive it up the field. Official. Downfield. Visual. Good hands and feet, boys. Good reaction. Matt: Hut! Eric: Do it again, do it again. No, no, no, step back here. That a boy. McGill: Never underestimate the power of a good spanking, Coach. Eric: Yes, sir. Buddy: Looking good out there, guys. Looking good. We got ourselves a quarterback, Coach. Nice speech, Coach. Did the job. Eric: Welcome aboard, son. Jack! Take care of this boy for me, would you? Let's go! What's everyone doing? What are you looking at? Let's go, pick it up! Let's go, let's go, let's go! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Keep your head up. Let's get back in it, boys. Come on, now! (WHISTLE BLOWING)	Plan: A: underdog South Millbank; Q: Who did the Panthers lose to when Street was out? A: Coach Taylor; Q: Who is subjected to the wrath of the community, the media, and the players' parents? A: team morale plummets; Q: What happens to the team morale when Street is out of sync? A: drastic measures; Q: What does Coach Taylor do to unite his players? A: the team; Q: What does Coach Taylor teach his players that one person doesn't make? A: a new quarterback; Q: What does Coach Taylor recruit to replace Matt? A: Jason; Q: Which Panthers player gets into a fight with Lyla? Summary: When the Panthers are out of sync without Street, in a game against underdog South Millbank, Coach Taylor is subjected to the wrath of the community, the media, and the players' parents. As team morale plummets, he goes to drastic measures to unite his players to teach them that one person doesn't make the team, it's all the players that make the team. Meanwhile, Coach Taylor is pressured to recruit a new quarterback to replace Matt, and Jason and Lyla get into a fight.
Ted from 2030: Kids, I bought the house we live in now way back before I ever met your mother. It needed a lot of work, but I had a vision for it. Ted's house Ted: Vintage rolltop desk here. I haven't decided whether to put the fern on the right or the left side, but you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it. Right? Left side. Oh, and right outside, I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids. Barney: Ted. This is your seduction lounge. sx swing there, vibrating Jell-O pit right there, rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel right here. Don't ask; you're not ready. And that basketball hoop? Outdoor stripper pole. We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad... Marshall: Hey. Barney, let's go outside for a second. Lily: We have a confession. This wasn't really about seeing Ted's house. It's an intervention. Barney: Oh, thank God. I'll go first. Ted, this hous you bought for your hypothetical family is super weird. We talk about it all the time behind your back. Ted: Yeah. This intervention isn't for me. It's for you Ted from 2030: Why did Barney need an intervention? It all started a few nights earlier. A few nights earlier... Barney's appartment Marshall: Barney, I can't believe your giant TV is broken. It's March Madness. Ted: Okay, uh, I think I see what the problem is. Barney, can you grab me a screwdriver? Barney: Sure thing. Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H. I got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. Thanks. Lily: You call the super for a screwdriver? Barney: Yeah... here's the thing about me and tools... the only one I know how to use is attached to me, and I am not going to try putting it in the TV. Again. Ted: Okay, that's ridiculous. Everyone should know how to use tools. (someone is knocking at the entry door) Barney: Well, here's our screwdriver now. (Barney opens the door, then whispers loudly:) Guys, I'm pretty sure that's not Luis, but I can't be certain. Someone introduce yourself. Jerry: Barney, I... I got your letter. Barney: Dad? [OPENING CREDITS] Ted's appartment Marshall: I can't believe Barney is talking to his dad right now. Robin: Yeah, what do you say after three decades of not seeing each other? Lily: "So, how 'bout those last 30 Super Bowls"? Ted: Okay, now I feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff. Robin: Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge, something really obvious you somehow never learned. Ted: Okay, but a screwdriver? Come on, I don't have any gaps that fundamental. Robin: Really? I seem to recall... [FLASHBACK] Ted: Daniel Burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic made him a true architectural chamma-leeon. And only the most gifted chamma-leeon could've designed classic beaux arts masterpieces right alongside sleek modern flatirons. His name might as well have been Daniel Chamma-leeon. Student: Um, Professor? Uh, do you mean "chameleon"? (laughs) Ted: Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chamma-leeon," so... Class dismissed. No homework. For a while. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Okay, I learned that word by reading it. That's how I've always pronounced it. Robin: Ted, that wasn't easy. It took a lot of "ch-aracter" to admit that. Ted: Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle? I'll tussle. Robin: You want to tussle? Let's tussle. Ted: Marine biologist. Robin: Please, no. [FLASHBACK] Scott: So this really sucks, but I'm going to be in the North Pole for the next three months. Robin: Seriously? The North Pole? Okay, pal, if you want to break up with me, just tell it to me straight. Don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. Scott: Um, I'm going to be studying the mating habits of... Robin: Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know what? I'm going on a trip, too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia. It works its way up to Candyland, and then, hey, congratulate me, because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus! Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place. You know that, right? Robin: So... you want to get pizza later? Or... Scott: I think we should break up. [END OF FLAHBACK] Robin: I still think about him in the shower. (Barney arrives) Ted: Hey. Tell us everything. How'd it go, bud? Barney: Where do I begin? [FLASHBACK] Jerry (Barney's dad): So, I'm not sure how to start this. Barney: Yeah. I think I need a drink. Jerry: Me, too. Both: Glen McKenna, neat. Jerry: Nice order. Up top. Barney: Look, it's been 30 years. And now you just show up out of nowhere? This is... this is going to take me a minute. Jerry: Yeah. I understand. By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk? Barney: I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now. (Barney is sobbing) Barney: Make a muscle. Jerry: There you go. Barney: Ah! [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Guys, my dad's awesome. He's the mother of all fathers. Check this out. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Hey, back when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. Do you still do that? Jerry: Not anymore. Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for The Stones through West Germany, and their tour manager loses his arms, bus-surfing through a tunnel. Gnarly. Long story short, I've been managing tours ever since, and that dude high-fives people with his face now. Barney, laughing: You're funny. My dad's funny. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: So, all these years, there's this one question I've been dying to ask him. Lily: Why did you abandon me? Marshall: Why'd you wait so long to contact me? Robin: You've hurt me before, why should I trust you now? [FLASHBACK] Barney: Do you... get laid a lot? Jerry: Big-time. Observe. Barney: Oh, my God, that took you five seconds. Jerry: Oh, was it that long? Life's too short for chatty chicks. Barney: You're a master. You are legen... wait for it... [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney:...daddy! Legendaddy! The man is a god. And he's still out there, living the dream. [FLASHBACK] Jerry: So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow with Bon Jovi. I'll be on the road the rest of the year. Barney: Oh, that's cool. Jerry: Say, you want to join me for the tour's Asian leg? Barney: This is going to be the second-most fun I've ever had on an Asian leg. (both laughing) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Barney, we... we know you're psyched, but just... be careful. Barney: What do you mean? Ted: Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. It sounds like he just might be telling you what you want to hear. Robin: Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt. Barney: First of all, Robin, my dad could beat up your dad. Second, you don't have to worry. He's cool. Now if you'll excuse me... I have to go renew my passport, and get a travel-sized rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel. Don't ask; you're not ready. The Bar Ted: I hope Barney's dad isn't just pretending to be something he's not, you know? Lily: Yeah. That would make Jerry a real chamma-leeon. Ted: You have gaps, too, Lily. Lily: You got nothing on me. (FLASHBACK] Marshall: Hey, Lily, can you toss me a beer? Lily: Sure, honey. (She throws the key toward the wall besides Marshall) [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You have terrible aim. Lily: That's not true. Marshall: Lily, at our apartment, you're the one who pees on the floor. Robin: Oh, my God. Barney's dad. Jerry: Hey, uh, you're Barney's friends, right? Marshall: Yeah, but... aren't you supposed to be off managing some tour in Australia? Jerry: What? No, I... I'm a driving instructor up in White Plains. And I need your help... Barney won't return my calls. Lily: What do you mean, Barney won't return your calls? He said you two had an amazing night together. Jerry: That's not what happened. [FLASHBACK] Barney: I'm not sure how to start this. Jerry: Yeah. Barney: I think I need a drink. Jerry: Me, too. Barney: Glen McKenna, neat. Jerry: Milk, skim. Barney: Milk? Oh, you're taking it easy. Crazy night? Jerry: I'll say. Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night. Barney: Wow. Jerry: I think it was the chili dog. I had to take four Tums. I was up till, like, 9:30. Barney: Hey, um.. When I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. You still do that? Jerry: No. I switched lanes years ago. I should explain. I'm a driving instructor. Now you get it, right Barney: Yeah, no, I get it. Um, but when I was a kid, you... you were this total badass. Jerry: Oh, I know. I was a real hard partier. Barney: Yeah, okay, now we're getting to the good stuff. Jerry: The drugs, the alcohol, the women... Barney: Yes, yes, yes. Jerry: I was out of control. Barney: Out of control.* Jerry: So when your mom said I couldn't see you any more, it was rock bottom for me. I'm so sorry. Barney: You ever bang Stevie Nicks? [END OF FLASHBACK] Jerry: Barney wasn't interested in my apology. He just wanted me to be cool. And I was so desperate to connect with him. I did something I'm not proud of. I started bragging. [FLASHBACK] Jerry: I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney, but I've published two nonfiction books about asparagus. And one fiction. I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling." It means fumbling for keys. So then all the county fair judges started chanting, "More quiche! More quiche!" I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes. [END OF FLASHBACK] Jerry: I could tell he just wanted me to be this big ladies' man, so... [FLASHBACK] Jerry: What a hottie, huh? I'm sure you're a real player. Barney: Big-time. Jerry: Observe. Excuse me, that's my son over there. I'm trying to reconnect with him after 30 years. Would you just write down any seven numbers here, so that I can impress him? Please, I'm desperate. Barney: Oh, my God, you're a natural. Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. There's the "Father Knows Breast," there's the "Bush Dynasty," the "Lick Father, Lick Son." Jerry: Oh, no, no. I couldn't do that. Barney: Why? Jerry: I have a family now. That's my wife Cheryl, my daughter Carly... she's in college. This is my son J.J. I was hoping you could come over to dinner sometime and meet them. Barney: You're all wearing matching sweaters. That's cute. Look, I got to get going, Jerry. But, uh, this was great. Glad we did this. [END OF FLASHBACK] Jerry: I made him wait all these years for me and... I'm just not the guy he wanted me to be. I know I don't deserve it, but... I need another chance to connect with my son. [SCENE_BREAK] Back to the intervention at Ted's house... Lily: We think you should give him another chance. That's the real reason we're out here. He lives ten minutes away. Barney: What? Marshall: You're having dinner with him tonight. Barney: No, I most certainly am not. Look, I met him. He's not my kind of bro and that's that. Robin: Are you sure it's not more than that? Barney: Guys, get it through your heads. I am never gonna talk to my dad again. Marshall: No, Barney. I'm never gonna talk to my dad again. But your dad is alive and he lives just down the road. Barney: Fine, I'll go. Marshall: Awesome. Um, Lily, keys. (She throws them way too hard, they land in the trees) I'm literally 11 inches from you. Ted from 2030: And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance. At Jerry's house Cherryl: Hello. You must be Barney. I'm Cheryl. It's just so nice to finally meet you. I love that suit. Barney: Oh, thank you very much. And I love your...coat. I love your coat. Cherryl: Oh, that's your coat, Barney. I just took it from you. Barney: Well, I do love it. It's doing a nice job covering up that chair. In the car Lily: Guess now we wait. Marshall: Hey, I got an idea how to pass the time. A little trivia game. Robin, reindeer: real or fake? Robin: Okay, I'm not an idiot. Reindeer are obviously f... re... fake? Marshall: Yikes! I'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums. Good thing I don't have any gaps in my knowledge. I am perfect. Oh, for the love of God, guys, enough already. Lily: What, baby? Marshall: You've been treating me with kid gloves ever since my dad died. Robin: That's not true. Lily: Robin, don't disagree with Marshall. Robin: I'm sorry. Marshall: I first noticed it at the bar. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: Hey, Lily, (his voice cracks) Can you get me a mojito? Normally, you would've given me crap for an hour about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like, but nothing. So then I started to test you guys. [...] The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie. Barney: It ages well, that's the thing. Marshall: You guys like my new soul patch? Robin: Righteous hair tab, brotha. Marshall: And once I figured it out, I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go. [...]Hey, guys. This is Rex. He's a possum. I found him in the trash. He lives with us now. Lily: I love him. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Lily, we are living with a possum. Rex is violent and he hates us. Lily: But, baby, you just lost your dad. None of us wants to upset you. Marshall: Please. If you guys really want me to get over the worst tragedy of my life, I'm begging you, tear me a new one. But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night. At Jerry's house Jerry: J.J., dinner. When I got your letter, I dug this up. You were probably too young to remember, but this is you, this is me, and, of course, ZZ Top. Barney: I do remember that. I climbed up on that dude's lap and told him what I wanted for Christmas. Jerry: Yeah, I used to love taking you backstage. You were the coolest little kid. JJ: Hi, Barney. It's great to finally meet you. Barney: J.J., I'm talking to Dad right now. God. Marshall: Seriously, it's time. What are my gaps? Ted: Well, I guess maybe one gap you have is... you can't wink. [FLASHBACK] At the Bar Marshall: Don't you think that maybe we should go home and, uh, "do the laundry" At Ted's Lily: You can't swallow pills. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Ooh, ooh, I got one. You think John Kennedy and Jack Kennedy are the same person. (laughs) Right? What? At Jerry's house Cherryl: So, Barney, I understand you have a pretty big job with a bank. Barney: Yeah, I do. I make a ton of money. How much do you make, J.J.? JJ: I'm 11. Barney: Oh, well, huh, now we all know you make excuses. I was talking about money. Cherryl: Actually, J.J. has a job. Tell him, J.J. JJ: I got a paper route. Barney: Good time to get into print media. Am I right, Dad? Jerry: Good slam, Barney. Cherryl: Jerry. Jerry: It's all good fun. Just ribbing among long lost brothers. Cherryl: J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player. Barney: Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, Jayj. Dad, check it. Triceps. What gym do you go to? JJ: Fourth period? Barney: Sounds like you're having your fourth period. Am I right, Dad?! Jerry: Got him again. Cherryl: Jerry! Jerry: Oh, okay, Barney. Uh, maybe that's enough. Barney: Why? J.J. started it. What does J.J. even stand for anyway? J... Jerky... Jerkface? Jerry: J.J. stands for Jerome Jr. Barney: Jerome Jr...? Oh. He's... he's named after you. Excuse me. JJ: I like having a brother. In the car Ted: You always add too much water to oatmeal. Marshall: Yes, I drown the son of a bitch. Robin: You consistently miss at least one belt loop. Marshall: It's like I'm blind. Lily: You're too old to ask to see the cockpit. Marshall: Whoa. Whoa. Guys, my dad just died. Lily: Aw, honey. Marshall: No, I'm just kidding. This is great. I really, I really missed this. In front of Jerry's house Jerry: Barney, what is going on? Barney: This is mine. Jerry: I don't understand. Barney: J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? No, no. I at least get the hoop. I'm taking it with me. Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me. Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame suburban dad. Jerry: Why does that make you so mad? Barney: Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me?! Jerry: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up... Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe... Jerry: I know, I know, I know! I want to fix this, and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! You're never gonna get it down like that. Barney. Barney! Just put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it. Now turn it. Righty tighty, lefty loosey. I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I... I just have no idea where to begin. Barney: Can you help me with this? Jerry: Here, got it. Look, if you... ever feel like you're ready, I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. Barney: Bye. At Ted's house Lily: Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? Barney: I'm fine. Hey, Ted. Ted: Yeah, buddy. Barney: You, uh, still want a basketball hoop out there? Ted: Oh, well, I also really liked your outdoor stripper pole idea. Yeah, it's fine. Barney: No, you were right. A kid needs a hoop.	Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who is surprised to meet his father? A: his father; Q: Who does Barney finally meet? A: the gang; Q: Who points out each other's "gaps"? A: adulthood; Q: When should the gang have learned about Gaps? Summary: When Barney finally meets his father, he's surprised to learn how his life turned out. Meanwhile, the gang points out each other's "gaps," something they should know by adulthood but never learned.
THE THREE DOCTORS By Bob Baker and Dave Martin 20th January, 1973 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] SECOND DOCTOR (OOV): No, Omega! Destroy him and you'll destroy your only chance of freedom. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SINGULARITY ROOM (The Doctor ceases his strangulation struggles and gets up.) THIRD DOCTOR: Thank you, Omega. A most interesting demonstration. OMEGA: Be warned. You have seen my power. You and your friends will learn that it is useless to defy me. SECOND DOCTOR: But our friends do not defy you! OMEGA: Oh, yes. They too are trying to escape. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE (The others are getting into Bessie.) JO: Where are we going? BRIGADIER: UNIT HQ. JO: What? BRIGADIER: It's nearer than you think. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SINGULARITY ROOM THIRD DOCTOR: All this exists because you have willed singularity to create it all for you. OMEGA: Exactly. SECOND DOCTOR: I say, you mean all you've got to do is think of a thing, rub your magic lamp over there and shally me gally me zoop, there it is? That's jolly clever. That's jolly clever. OMEGA: Are you sure that you and he are of the same intelligence? SECOND DOCTOR: You couldn't run me up a quick recorder, could you? It's a little thing about this long with holes in. I've lost mine, you see. OMEGA: I will tell you of the task that lies before you. SECOND DOCTOR: It's not much to ask, a small recorder! OMEGA: Silence! THIRD DOCTOR: Please, ignore him. Just ignore him. He's incorrigibly frivolous. SECOND DOCTOR: Just because you're not musical! THIRD DOCTOR: Please! Will you stop interrupting? Continue. OMEGA: Continue? (thunder and the palace wobbles) While you play stupid childish games? You face annihilation, do you know that? You, your entire race, your precious terrestrials, everything, and what do you do? Huh? You wrangle and babble of pipes! SECOND DOCTOR: It's not a pipe! THIRD DOCTOR: (sotto) What the hell do you think you're trying to do? SECOND DOCTOR: (sotto) Testing the limits of his self control. They're not very good, are they. THIRD DOCTOR: (sotto) No. No, they're not, but it'll be dangerous if you push him too far. SECOND DOCTOR: (sotto) We'll have to risk that. That temper is his only weakness. OMEGA: What are you saying? Do you plot against me? THIRD DOCTOR: No, no. I was just explaining to my associate here that he should show you more respect, for both our sakes. SECOND DOCTOR: I am thoroughly repentant. You mentioned some task. OMEGA: Yes. I created this world through the power of my will. I created the organisms which brought you here. This is the source of the light stream you travelled along, and I created it. I alone! Omega! And it is not enough. None of it is enough. I am still trapped. As trapped as I was the moment I arrived in this, this desolation. Huh. Ironic, is it not? SECOND DOCTOR: But surely, if you can transmit matter to Earth down that light stream, you could transmit yourself anywhere. OMEGA: Yes, so I imagined, but no, there was no way out. No escape. THIRD DOCTOR: But why? OMEGA: So long as I control singularity, I can make it do my will. All these things exist because I will them to exist. Without me and the unceasing pressure of my will, the work of thousands of years would collapse into chaos in microseconds. I am, if you like, the Atlas of my world. THIRD DOCTOR: So, the moment you abandon control, you cannot escape, and you cannot escape without abandoning control. OMEGA: Exactly. I am a prisoner of my own power, my own creation. Or rather, I was, until now. And that is your task. To take over my burden so that I may escape. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside, Bessie drives along amid a series of explosions.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SINGULARITY ROOM OMEGA: Well? Your answer? THIRD DOCTOR: We will obey you, Omega. SECOND DOCTOR: We have no choice. OMEGA: Then you help me make my preparations. You must first remove this mask. Now you, too, will need such masks. The light stream has a slow, corrosive effect, due to the acceleration of the particles, but you are in no immediate danger. The process takes time. Come, the mask. (He sits down, and the Doctors approach. They set about to remove it very carefully. The frontpiece lifts up on a hinge, and they step back in amazement.) OMEGA: What is it? Why do you not obey me? Take off the mask. (They lower it instead.) OMEGA: What are you doing? I am in haste to be gone! SECOND DOCTOR: We, we cannot remove the mask, Omega, because. THIRD DOCTOR: Because beneath that mask there is nothing left of you. The corrosion has already done its work. OMEGA: What? (He walks over to a mirror and lifts the entire helmet, revealing nothing underneath.) THIRD DOCTOR: You exist only because your will insists that you exist. Your will is all that is left of you. (Omega lets out a slow, painful, convincing wail of despair.) OMEGA: It is not true. I am Omega, creator of this world! And I can also destroy! Therefore I must exist! SECOND DOCTOR: But don't you see? You can only exist here! OMEGA: If I exist only by my will, then my will is to destroy, and all things shall be destroyed! All things! All things! (The whole place starts to shake and crumble. The Doctors dash for the nearest passageway.) [SCENE_BREAK] PALACE DOORS OMEGA (OOV): All things! All things! SECOND DOCTOR: I told you he'd got no self control. THIRD DOCTOR: Come on, out! (They run from the main entrance.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE (Bessie comes to a stop near a dune.) BENTON: Brigadier, watch it! BRIGADIER: There it is, over there! JO: How did it get there? BRIGADIER: That's a very good question. Miss Grant. Come on! DR TYLER: Move, man, move man! [SCENE_BREAK] (Meanwhile, the Doctors climb another dune.) THIRD DOCTOR: That's funny. I could have sworn I left Bessie here. SECOND DOCTOR: You did, old chap. The tracks are leading that way. THIRD DOCTOR: That's Jo and Benton. SECOND DOCTOR: They'll be making for UNIT Headquarters. THIRD DOCTOR: What? THIRD DOCTOR: Come on! Let's get a move on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNIT LABORATORY (All are talking at once.) BRIGADIER: Locked. Typical. Just one moment, if you please! Now wait a moment. We may be in a somewhat unusual situation, but you two at least are still supposed to be members of UNIT. JO: Yes, sir. BENTON: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. BRIGADIER: The question is this, what offensive action should we or indeed can we take against this chap Omega? Now in the absence of the Doctors it seems to me that BENTON: Sir, listen! BRIGADIER: Sounds like a full scale attack. JO: Maybe they're not firing at us. Maybe (They're pounding at the front door. The others run and let them in.) JO: It's the Doctors! BRIGADIER: Benton, open the door, quick! JO: Quickly, come on. (They pile in.) SECOND DOCTOR: TARDIS, everybody! Into the TARDIS, quickly! TYLER: But we can't all get in there! THIRD DOCTOR: Come on, inside. Come on, Brigadier. Inside, inside! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS THIRD DOCTOR: Right, force field on. SECOND DOCTOR: Force field's on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S LAIR OMEGA: Fools. Do yo think to deny the might of Omega? Soon you will come crawling to me for mercy, but by that time, your universe will no longer exist. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME CONTROL (Back on Gallifrey, the lights are dim.) PRESIDENT: Well? TIME LORD: Energy almost completely exhausted, sir. PRESIDENT: And the latest transference? TIME LORD: No contact since we tried to pass him through the black hole. The power level was so low that he may only be able to observe, advise, not to act. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS THIRD DOCTOR: Well, there you are, then. They can't get in SECOND DOCTOR: And we can't get out. THIRD DOCTOR: We're besieged. JO: Oh, great. SECOND DOCTOR: If only I could find my recorder, I could play you a little something to pass the time. BRIGADIER: We must be thankful for small mercies. TYLER: Well, this TARDIS of yours is a real marvel, Doctor. I still don't understand how we all got inside it, but I don't wish to spend the rest of my life in it. JO: True. We can't just stay here for ever. BENTON: Come on, Doc. I mean, with two of you there should be twice as many ideas. Well surely you can think up something to nobble this Omega bloke? SECOND DOCTOR: Nobble him? You're talking about one of the most powerful blokes in the cosmos. Nobble him? THIRD DOCTOR: Well, I. Excuse me. Someone's trying to get through to us. SECOND DOCTOR: You don't think? (points up) THIRD DOCTOR: I hardly think so. FIRST DOCTOR: There you are, then. What's all this, a mass meeting? THIRD DOCTOR: Well, we had to bring them all in here. It wasn't safe outside. FIRST DOCTOR: In a pretty pickle, aren't you. Yes, trapped in your own TARDIS! SECOND DOCTOR: You're trapped in your own bubble. You can talk. FIRST DOCTOR: Unfortunately, talk's all I can do, and not much of that. The transference isn't stable. Let's get on with it, eh? SECOND DOCTOR: On with what? FIRST DOCTOR: Putting our heads together and finding a solution. Ready? SECOND DOCTOR: Ready. THIRD DOCTOR: Ready. SECOND DOCTOR: Contact. THIRD DOCTOR: Contact. (We get the funky flickering Doctors.) FIRST DOCTOR: We're all agreed, then. Risky, but it could work. I'll report back. THIRD DOCTOR: We'd have to strip down the force field. SECOND DOCTOR: But that'd mean leaving the TARDIS defenceless. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, I know, but I think we'll have to risk it. SECOND DOCTOR: It's worth a try. Come on! BRIGADIER: What was all that about, Miss Grant? JO: Another telepathic conference, I think. BRIGADIER: That old chap? JO: Afraid so. BRIGADIER: Three of them. I didn't know when I was well off. Doctor! THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, what is it? BRIGADIER: Would you mind telling us laymen what you scientists are getting so excited about? THIRD DOCTOR: We think we've found a way of dealing with Omega. TYLER: Mind telling me how? THIRD DOCTOR: Later, old chap. If there's still time. TYLER: Oh, splendid. THIRD DOCTOR: How do we know that he'll take the generator? What if he should refuse? SECOND DOCTOR: Ah, I've found it. THIRD DOCTOR: Found what? THIRD DOCTOR: My recorder. It must have been there all the time. SECOND DOCTOR: Right in the corner of the force field. THIRD DOCTOR: Well, don't touch it. SECOND DOCTOR: I wasn't going to. THIRD DOCTOR: Don't you understand? It's exactly what we want. Far better than the force field generator. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh no, not my recorder! THIRD DOCTOR: I'll get you another one. I'll get you a hundred, I'll get you a thousand of them. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GALLIFREY TIME CONTROL TIME LORD: I've got a contact, sir. PRESIDENT: Oh? TIME LORD: The Doctor. PRESIDENT: Did you find them? Did you make contact? FIRST DOCTOR [on monitor]: For a while. PRESIDENT: Is there any chance? We can't hold out much longer. What's happening? FIRST DOCTOR [on monitor]: There's a possible solution. I'll let you know as soon as I can. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS (The Doctors remove the module with the recorder wired up in the middle.) SECOND DOCTOR: Here we are, then. This should do the trick. BRIGADIER: I suppose it would be too much to ask for someone to tell us what all this means. THIRD DOCTOR: It means, Brigadier, that we can now strike a bargain with our friend Omega. BRIGADIER: With that box of tricks there? JO: And a flute? THIRD DOCTOR: This box of tricks, as you call it, is a kind of portable force field. SECOND DOCTOR: And the recorder is considerably more than just a recorder. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. Right, ready? SECOND DOCTOR: Here, if you'd just hold this. TYLER: Oh, splendid. Yes. THIRD DOCTOR: Right, switch on. SECOND DOCTOR: On. THIRD DOCTOR: Omega, we want to talk with you. (Omega appears on the scanner screen.) OMEGA: I hear you, brother Time Lords. THIRD DOCTOR: We think we have discovered a way to give you back your freedom. Will you now free the TARDIS so that we can come to you? OMEGA: Is this some deceit? You cannot escape my world unless I will it. SECOND DOCTOR: No, not a bit of it, old chap. We just want to avoid a long, tiring walk, that's all. OMEGA: Very well. Come to me you shall! THIRD DOCTOR: Right. Now listen to me, everybody. From now on you are to do exactly as you are told. JO: Why? What's going to happen? THIRD DOCTOR: Now, Jo, please do as I ask. Do exactly as I tell you. Do you promise? JO: All right, I promise. THIRD DOCTOR: Good. Are you ready? Stand by. Here we go. (The TARDIS dematerializes from the UNIT HQ lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SINGULARITY ROOM (The TARDIS reappears inside Omega's lair, and they all come out.) OMEGA: Do you think this trickery will save you for long? THIRD DOCTOR: We have come to set you free. OMEGA: What is this? THIRD DOCTOR: On one condition. OMEGA: I make the terms, Time Lords! THIRD DOCTOR: Omega, if you will send these people back to where they came from, we will stay and help you. THIRD DOCTOR: We think we have devised a way of restoring your freedom to you. OMEGA: What way? I know now that you cannot give me my freedom, but you can keep me company in the endless empty years that lie ahead. If you will both stay here willingly and share my exile, then I will spare your friends and their universe. THIRD DOCTOR: We shall give you that promise, Omega. We will not attempt to leave this world before you do. JO: You can't! THIRD DOCTOR: Jo! You promised! OMEGA: Go, then, back to your planet. Be gone, and give thanks that Omega is merciful. BRIGADIER: Doctor, what shall we do? (The Doctor walks up an examines the singularity.) THIRD DOCTOR: Brigadier, I want all of you to step through that column of smoke. BRIGADIER: What? THIRD DOCTOR: Don't be alarmed. It won't harm you. On the contrary, it will take you back home. SECOND DOCTOR: Please, Brigadier, it's the only way. BRIGADIER: Well, I don't know what you're up to, but all right. Now, Mister Ollis? OLLIS: Not me. I'm not going in there. BRIGADIER: Doctor Tyler? TYLER: Are you sure it's all right? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, of course I'm sure. (He steps through and vanishes.) BRIGADIER: Now then, Mister Ollis. (Ollis goes, reluctantly. He vanishes too.) BRIGADIER: Sergeant Benton. (Benton straightens his uniform and goes.) BENTON: I'd sooner Miss Grant. BRIGADIER: Move, Benton. (He vanishes.) BRIGADIER: Now then, Miss Grant. JO: No! No, I want to stay with the Doctor. THIRD DOCTOR: Jo, please. BRIGADIER: Come on, Jo. THIRD DOCTOR: Trust me. (The Brigadier leads her to the singularity.) THIRD DOCTOR: You'll be all right. (She vanishes.) BRIGADIER: Goodbye, Doctor. Doctors. (The Brigadier salutes and steps through.) OMEGA: So, brother Time Lords, I have played your game. Now it is your turn to play mine, and there can be no escape for any of us! SECOND DOCTOR: You are wrong, Omega. You can have your freedom. It is here. OMEGA: What is this childish contraption? SECOND DOCTOR: The only freedom you can ever have. Take it. (There is a lengthy pause.) THIRD DOCTOR: Take it, Omega. Take it! (They mind meld, to no effect.} OMEGA: Commands? You command me? This is my world! I command! And you pester me with trinkets! (Omega slaps the device out of the Doctor's hand.) SECOND DOCTOR: Run! THIRD DOCTOR: Come on, quick! The portable force field fizzles, and a new star flares in the middle of the black hole.) [SCENE_BREAK] GALLIFREY TIME CONTROL (The black hole emits a light stream, which is observed on Gallifrey. It turns into a brilliant explosion. A new nebula appears to be created in its place. The lights come back on.) PRESIDENT: Another source of energy. Once again, Omega. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNIT LABORATORY BENTON: We're back! TYLER: Well, we certainly seem to be. BENTON: But we're really back. JO: But the Doctors. BRIGADIER: Oh, I dare say they'll turn up as usual. (She begins to sob.) BRIGADIER: Wonderful chap, both of him. (The TARDIS appears.) JO: The TARDIS! THIRD DOCTOR: I told you he had no self-control, didn't I? JO: Doctor! TYLER: How did you manage it? SECOND DOCTOR: By the skin of our teeth. TYLER: Splendid. SECOND DOCTOR: Where's Mister Ollis? TYLER: What? SECOND DOCTOR: Where's Mister Ollis? THIRD DOCTOR: Oh, back where he came from, I imagine. (Near the lake, Mr Ollis reappears suddenly, then goes on his way.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNIT HQ THIRD DOCTOR: So there you are. Omega's will was like the tension in the elastic. Once that will was broken, all the bits of Earth, UNIT etc just snapped back right into their proper place. BENTON: But how come you turned up in the TARDIS? SECOND DOCTOR: Because that was the proper place for us. JO: What was all that business about the flute? SECOND DOCTOR: Well, as you know, it accidentally fell into the force field of the TARDIS, so that when we were all transformed into antimatter, that was the only thing that wasn't processed. THIRD DOCTOR: And when Omega knocked it out of our hands and it fell out of the force field, all the atoms and the anti-atoms annihilated one another. TYLER: So, big bang, and the black hole becomes a supernova! THIRD DOCTOR: Exactly. SECOND DOCTOR: Pity, though. I think it had a lovely tone. (The first Doctor is heard calling.) FIRST DOCTOR (OOV): Everything okay? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS THIRD DOCTOR: Well, here we are, back safe and sound. SECOND DOCTOR: Quite a party. FIRST DOCTOR (on scanner): Yes, well, the party's over now. You young men and I go back to our time zones. Though considering the way things have been going, well, I shudder to think what you'll do with out me. SECOND DOCTOR: Goodbye. Well, goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. It's been so nice to meet me. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, I see what you mean. I hope I don't meet me again. SECOND DOCTOR: Ah. (He vanishes.) TYLER: Now I've seen it all. JO: Pity. He was so sweet. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, wasn't I? BRIGADIER: Yes, well, as far as I'm concerned, Doctor, one of you is enough. More than enough. Sergeant Benton! BENTON: Sir? BRIGADIER: You and I'd better make a full inventory of the HQ. Make sure everything's back in place. It's all got to be accounted for, you know. BENTON: Sir? BRIGADIER: Yes? BENTON: Well, excuse me, sir, but, well, if anything is missing, where do we say it's gone? BRIGADIER: Come along, Benton. TYLER: Well, I think I'd better be on my way, too. Thank you for a fascinating trip, Doctor. THIRD DOCTOR: Goodbye. TYLER: Goodbye. Goodbye, Jo. JO: Goodbye. TYLER: I don't think I'll write it up in the University journal, not if I want to keep my job. JO: What's the matter, Doctor? Everything worked out all right, didn't it? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, for us. JO: I know what it is. It's because you had to trick Omega. THIRD DOCTOR: I didn't exactly trick him. I promised him his freedom and I gave it to him. The only freedom he could ever have. JO: What else could you do? It was either him or everything. (A materialization sound is heard, and something appears on the time rotor.) THIRD DOCTOR: The Time Lords! Look, they've sent me a new dematerialisation circuit. And my knowledge of time travel law and all the dematerialisation codes, they've all come back. They've forgiven me. They've given me back my freedom. JO: I suppose you'll be rushing off, then. THIRD DOCTOR: No, not straight away, Jo. Of course not. I've got to build a new force field generator first. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. THE LODGE MRS OLLIS: And where do you think you've been, Arthur Ollis? I've been worried sick about you, I have. Everybody's been searching. Where have you been? Soldiers looking for you. You didn't come home for your dinner. Well? OLLIS: You'd never believe me, woman. Supper ready?	Plan: A: Omega; Q: Who reveals the purpose behind bringing the Doctor to his antimatter world? A: a startling fact; Q: What do the Doctors discover about Omega? A: a bargain; Q: What do the Doctors strike with Omega? Summary: Omega reveals the purpose behind bringing the Doctor to his antimatter world, but the Doctor(s) discover a startling fact about Omega that he didn't know himself and eventually strike a bargain.
3.04 - One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table] LORELAI: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side. RORY: The other side of. . . LORELAI: The other side. RORY: With republicans? LORELAI: No. Lately I've been having these dark premonitions. RORY: Oh, about what? [Luke brings their plates] LUKE: Dead cow, dead cow. [walks away] LORELAI: That's weird. RORY: He's always weird. LORELAI: No, I mean, my premonitions have been about death, about my death. RORY: I don't wanna hear this. LORELAI: And the thing is, they're all silly. RORY: What do you mean, silly? LORELAI: In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream. RORY: Silly and fattening. LORELAI: In another, a turtle eats me. RORY: A turtle, how? LORELAI: Very slowly. There's lots of chewing. RORY: And in your premonition, you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on the earth? LORELAI: His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison. RORY: Well, you left that part out. LORELAI: Now, this last one's a little more gory. I'm out hunting RORY: A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime. LORELAI: And my shotgun backfires and my whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck. RORY: That's the silliest one yet. LORELAI: Now, if that's how I go, you gotta promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak. RORY: I should be writing this down. LORELAI: You can remember to move my face to the front of my head. RORY: It depends on what I have going on that week. [Lane walks into the diner] LANE: Hello Stars Hollow, are you ready to rock? LORELAI: Let me guess, band practice tonight? LANE: Yes, we're going to learn our fourth song. That's practically a set. [Lane sits down with them and takes a bite of Rory's burger] LORELAI: Hm, I'm impressed. LANE: And then once we have a set, we'll get a gig, and then once we get a gig, we'll get a record deal. LORELAI: Swallow. LANE: And then after we get a record deal, we'll get really famous and then we'll have to give all of these interviews about how horrible it is to be really famous and how we never wanted this in the first place, all we care about is the music, and fame is gonna tear us apart. It's gonna be great! LORELAI: And rehearsing in the music shop's been working out? LANE: Perfectly it's totally time efficient, being a thirty-second commute from my house. We practice for two hours, I'm home in time to watch reruns of Johnny Yune's talk show on Korean television with my mom, who thinks I hooked up with you guys which I did, so I'm not even lying. LORELAI: Well, you're kinda lying. LANE: I'm fibbing, but a fib is not a lie. LORELAI: Hm, I'd say it's a fib-slash-lie. LANE: No, no, it's not a lie, and I can always tell cause of the few times that I've out and out lied to my mother, I'd get this feeling in my gut like a wild animal was burrowing into it, and I'm not getting that. LORELAI: Wild animals burrowing into my stomach another one of my premonitions. RORY: Pretty spooky. LANE: I've gotta go. I'm single-handedly improving the reputation of drummers everywhere by being on time for every rehearsal. [takes Rory's burger] Thanks for the food. [leaves] [Rory takes Lorelai's burger] LORELAI: Uh, excuse me. RORY: Lane took mine. LORELAI: Okay, this band thing is really not working out for me. Let's go. See ya, Luke. LUKE: See ya. [Lorelai and Rory walk to the door as Shane walks in] LORELAI: Turn sideways! [Shane rushes past them over to Jess at the counter] LORELAI: That girl's a freak. [Jess and Shane start kissing] LUKE: Make a hole. [Jess and Shane stop kissing long enough for Luke to walk past them] [opening credits] CUT TO THE MUSIC SHOP [Lane and her band are practicing] ZACH: [sings] London calling to the faraway towns, now that the war's declared and battle come down. London calling to the underworld, come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls. . . DAVE: Whoa whoa whoa, can you guys hold it? It doesn't sound right. LANE: It sounded good to me. DAVE: No, it's wrong. Something's missing. ZACH: Yeah, volume. LANE: We can't play any louder, guys. ZACH: We've got to. LANE: But that's the agreement free practice space, but we have to play quietly. DAVE: Just try and live with it, Zach. ZACH: Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song. BRIAN: I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it. ZACH: Well, it's throwing me off. LANE: Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three ZACH: Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right? BRIAN: You're right. ZACH: Rygalski? DAVE: Well, it ZACH: We need to crank it up. LANE: Just listen harder, that'll make it sound louder. DAVE: Can't we turn it up at all? LANE: Well, maybe we could possibly turn the amps up from three to, say, three and a half, but that's it. ZACH: Forget it. DAVE: Zach, come on, we just got started. ZACH: Dude, Lawrence Welk cranked louder than this. It's a waste of time. LANE: Wait, Zach, no, you don't understand. We can't play louder. See, my mom has this special antenna that can pick up non-Christian music being played within a football field's distance of our house, and she'd immediately come looking for me in order to shield me from the perversion. BRIAN: If Zach's going, I'm going. LANE: Wait, no, Brian, I'm not exaggerating. Once, a guy in our town named Kirk was practicing Bohemian Rhapsody with his band, the Kirk Gleason Five, and my mom shut them down so fast that the band fled without their instruments and never came back for them. To this day, Kirk can't listen to Queen without tearing up. BRIAN: Sorry. ZACH: Having a free practice space was cool and all, but not like this. BRIAN: We should just rent a space in Hartford. LANE: Hartford, Connecticut? ZACH: It's not that far. LANE: Yeah, or maybe, how bout France? We could practice in France, too, or Iceland! DAVE: Lane. LANE: The moon's probably available, we could crank it way up on the moon! DAVE: A word, please. [Dave leads Lane outside onto the sidewalk] LANE: Dave, talk to them. You're the leader, that's flat out insubordination going on in there! They show be flogged, heel-hogged, strung up from the highest yardarm! DAVE: No, I can't. LANE: Why? DAVE: Because we're supposed to be a one-for-all band like the Clash or U2 it's a democracy. LANE: Democracies are overrated. Now get in there and kick some butt. DAVE: It's not how it works. LANE: I'll fix Brian's deviated septum I'll ram one of my sticks up his nose! DAVE: Lane, think about this, do you really believe this is working? LANE: No, it's not working. We sound like a bunch of wnkrs. DAVE: We need a real practice space. We need to be able to really play. Wouldn't you like to actually be able to hit both the cymbals? LANE: Yeah. DAVE: Okay, then, we need to do this. LANE: I know, I just don't wanna leave the band. DAVE: What? You can't leave the band. That's not what anybody wants, especially me. Lane, listen to me, okay you're perfect for us, it's working. LANE: So I have to figure out a way to rehearse in Hartford two or three nights a week. DAVE: Yeah, that's not so tough. LANE: No, it's not so tough. And maybe at the same time I'll attempt to master quantum physics, and throw Sanskrit in there, too. DAVE: Do your best. Not with the Sanskrit thing, that's pretty worthless but with the band. LANE: I'll try. DAVE: There's no way you're gonna become our Pete Best. There's no way. LANE: You're sweet. DAVE: We should get back in there. LANE: Okay, um, I'll be in in a minute. CUT TO LANE'S BEDROOM [Lane is in her closet talking on the phone] LANE: Wrack your brain. I mean, we've really gotta think here. RORY: It's quite a pickle. LANE: No, Rory, pickles are smaller. This is much bigger than a pickle. [At Lorelai's house, Rory is in her bedroom on the phone] RORY: Okay, let's stop saying the word pickle. LANE: Fine. RORY: Now, how many nights a week would you have to go to Hartford to practice? LANE: Two, plus a weekend afternoon. RORY: Okay, so that's three big blocks of time that you'd have to account for. LANE: Very big blocks of time. RORY: Plus, you have no car to transport your drums anywhere as of yet. LANE: Or a driver's license. RORY: Or any drums because you're borrowing them from the shop. LANE: Temporarily until I can buy my own set with money that I don't know where I'm gonna get. RORY: Yup, you're right that's more than a pickle. LANE: You're making light now stop and focus. And turn down the Cornershop, it's distracting. RORY: No, your Coltrane is distracting, turn that down. LANE: Hey, I'm in angst here and Coltrane speaks to my soul. I can't turn it down. RORY: Fine, in deference to your soul, I'll turn mine down. Hey, here's a crazy thought. How about you tell your mom the truth and insist that she lets you play with the band and rehearse in Stars Hollow loudly as long as your schoolwork doesn't suffer? LANE: Oh, I'm sorry, was that a serious suggestion? RORY: Hey, it's worth a shot. LANE: No, you're thinking your mom, here, Rory. If I said that to mine, she'd start waving a crucifix at me. RORY: If she says no, she says no, but right now you're out of options. We have another call, just think about it? LANE: Okay, I will. And hey, you know I like Cornershop. RORY: I know. Bye. LANE: Bye. [Rory answers the call waiting] RORY: Hello? DEBBIE: Hi, Rory? RORY: Yes. DEBBIE: This is Debbie Fincher Kathy's mom from Stars Hollow High. RORY: Oh, hi Mrs. Fincher. DEBBIE: Well, hi right back to you. You know, we miss you since you started that fancy school of yours. Is it fun? RORY: It's hard but I like it. DEBBIE: Oh well, super. Uh, listen, is your mom home? RORY: Oh, sure, just a second. Say hi to Kathy for me. DEBBIE: I will. RORY: Hold on. [Rory walks into the kitchen; Lorelai is sitting at the table] RORY: Phone. It's Debbie Fincher. LORELAI: Who? RORY: From Stars Hollow High. Kathy Fincher's mom. LORELAI: Oh, I remember Kathy. RORY: You met Debbie many times, had many conversations with her at bake sales, school plays, the PTA. LORELAI: Not ringing a bell. RORY: I used to go swimming at her house all the time. You and Debbie had long chats when you dropped me off. LORELAI: No. . .no. RORY: Blonde hair, medium height, drove a Range Rover. LORELAI: Does she also breathe and have toes? RORY: What? LORELAI: Well, narrow it down to less than eight thousand possibilities. RORY: I did with the swimming. LORELAI: I remember the water. RORY: Come on, blonde hair, medium height. LORELAI: See, even you can't think of another way to describe her. RORY: You have no memory of this woman? LORELAI: All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved. RORY: Take the phone. LORELAI: [on phone] Hi Debbie, how are you? DEBBIE: Great, Lorelai, and yourself? LORELAI: Just fine, thanks. DEBBIE: The gang and I have missed you so much at school events. You were always such a kick. LORELAI: Aw, well, I really miss you and the gang. DEBBIE: Hey, listen, I have a proposition for you. The PTA likes to ask prominent locals in business if they could talk to the students about how they got to where they are you know, all the hard work it takes, success stories, you know. And we thought about you. LORELAI: To suggest people I know who have success stories, or. . . DEBBIE: No, silly, we'd like for you to address the class. LORELAI: Me, really? DEBBIE: Well, yes. You're a young woman and you run that beautiful inn, it's a huge responsibility, and you do it with such style. LORELAI: Wow, well, that's really sweet. It's always nice to be well thought of. Oh, Debbie, before we go any further, I'm dying to know how's Kathy? What's she up to? DEBBIE: She is just terrific. She's applied to a couple schools in California, so she's really excited, although. . . [Lorelai covers the mouthpiece of the phone and talks to Rory] LORELAI: So she wants me to speak to some kids about my business success. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: That's great. What are you doing with the phone? LORELAI: Oh, she's blabbing about her kid. We probably got another thirty seconds or so. RORY: You're awful. LORELAI: No, I'm a kick. Should I do it? RORY: Yeah, toot your own horn, you little missy. LORELAI: I'm a success, who'd have thought? RORY: I suspected you had it in you. LORELAI: From rags to riches. . .I wonder why Larry King hasn't called. RORY: Mom, Debbie, please. [Lorelai brings the phone back up to her ear] DEBBIE: . . .so the internship will keep her local, which is a nice bonus for Bill and me, you know? LORELAI: Oh, sure, yeah. Well, be sure to say hi to her and to Bill, and by the way, yes, I'd be happy to talk to the class. DEBBIE: Terrific! Oh, the gang will be so thrilled. Now, there'll probably be a second speaker with you, do you mind? LORELAI: Oh, that's fine, who's it gonna be? DEBBIE: Uh, well, we've had some suggestions, but do you know anyone? LORELAI: Well, you know, my friend the Sultan of Brunei is so hard to pin down. DEBBIE: Ha-ha, there's that sense of humor. Well, we were considering Luke Danes, but he usually turns these things down. LORELAI: I could talk to him if you'd like. DEBBIE: That would be just terrific. The two of you together would be a kick. LORELAI: Well, then, I'll just kick him til he agrees to do it, how does that sound? DEBBIE: Okay, Thursday at four p.m., is that okay? LORELAI: I'll be there, Deb. DEBBIE: Oh, you rat! You rat! LORELAI: What? DEBBIE: You remembered how much I hate being called Deb. LORELAI: I'm wicked. DEBBIE: Well, thank you Lorelai, and I'll talk to you soon. LORELAI: Okay, bye. [hangs up] Huh. She hates being called Deb. RORY: I'll make a mental note. [pinches Lorelai's cheeks] LORELAI: Ow, ow, ow! RORY: I'm so proud of my little success! CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES [Lane walks down the steps. She starts to walk toward her mother in the kitchen, then walks back to the steps and starts talking to herself] LANE: Stop it, don't run, just walk in there and tell her what you want. After all, she's your mother and she wants you to be happy . . .on some level, I think. Maybe not. What are you doing? Do not back off. Just move. Come on, move. Move your foot, move your foot, one foot. Lane, move your foot, right. [her mother comes up behind her] MRS. KIM: Lane! LANE: Yeah? MRS. KIM: Come with me. LANE: Okay. [They walk to the kitchen.] MRS. KIM: Sit, sit. You want tea? LANE: Mama, I wanna MRS. KIM: Sit. LANE: Sorry. I wanted to talk to you about something, um, an idea I had. . have, for me to do something that would be very beneficial to me, and you by extension because well, if one person is happy, then the other person is happy, and so I had an idea that, of how I could be and then you could be and then we would be and. . .tea would be good. MRS. KIM: Here, I want you to fill these out. [hands her a stack of papers] LANE: What are these? MRS. KIM: College applications. LANE: What? MRS. KIM: Don't worry. Every one in this pile approved by me and Reverend Melmin. LANE: I haven't heard of one of these schools. MRS. KIM: They're all good religious programs, and I've already thrown out the ones that let boys and girls sit in the cafeteria together, the party schools. LANE: Oh, great. MRS. KIM: I will help you fill them out and we'll mail them on the way to choir practice, okay? LANE: Yes, Mama. MRS. KIM: Good. Now, if you meet Jesus walking on the street, what are the three questions you would like to ask? Ah. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is at the front desk organizing some index cards] MICHEL: Hm, your speech for that class? LORELAI: Just some talking points. MICHEL: And this speech is about your success in business, yes? LORELAI: Pretty much. MICHEL: You must be very fortunate to live in this tiny town where people make very little money. It elevates you by comparison. LORELAI: Mmhmm. MICHEL: I wonder who their last speaker was -- the fellow in short pants that walks up and down the square with a metal detector? LORELAI: Hm, I wouldn't know. MICHEL: And if they find someone who drives a car that is less than eight years old, what will they do crown him king of successful people? LORELAI: Unless it's a woman, and then they'll crown her queen. MICHEL: Mm, and if they are [phone rings] LORELAI: Go away. [answers phone] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking. LUKE: I'm backing out. LORELAI: Too late, sorry. LUKE: I'm not speaking to that stupid class. LORELAI: But you agreed. LUKE: I'm out, case closed, no debating. LORELAI: Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit. LUKE: What deposit? LORELAI: For the room. LUKE: What room? LORELAI: For the thing, for the afterwards thing. . . LUKE: Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you? LORELAI: Aren't you? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Who? LUKE: Stop. LORELAI: Bye. LUKE: Uh, hold on a sec! I agreed to this under coercion. LORELAI: You said yes on your own. LUKE: I said yes because when I said no you talked baby talk loudly in front of all my customers until I got so sick of it I just agreed to do it to shut you up. LORELAI: I'm incorrigible! LUKE: It's not a binding agreement, it's coercion. LORELAI: Well, you gave in just in time because, uh, I was about to transition out of baby talk and into my Louis Armstrong voice, and that, my friend, is a whole lot worse than baby talk. LUKE: I hate that building. LORELAI: What, the school? LUKE: Three years of going there, I have no good memories. LORELAI: You must have some. LUKE: None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now. LORELAI: I think you'll enjoy this. LUKE: Think about going back to your high school to give a talk. How would that feel? LORELAI: Okay, not all your points are bad, but it's not my school, it's your school, and if you cancel, this whole town will know and when you walk down the street people will point and whisper, There goes that Luke, he's a real talk-canceler guy.' LUKE: Ouch. LORELAI: Plus, I promised the PTA, so my fragile reputation is on the line. LUKE: I think you'll live. LORELAI: Oh, Luke. LUKE: No! LORELAI: [in Louis Armstrong voice] Hello, Dolly! LUKE: Stop that. LORELAI: [in Louis Armstrong voice] This is Louis, Dolly! LUKE: I'll just hang up. LORELAI: [in Louis Armstrong voice] I'll be coming round the diner singing soooooooongs. LUKE: Have you been diagnosed? LORELAI: See you tomorrow at four. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Rory and Lane are walking down the street] LANE: Oh, it was a fine collection, believe me. RORY: She made you apply to every one? LANE: And measured my head for a wimple. RORY: Out of twenty-three schools, there wasn't one that you might want to go to? LANE: It depends on what I'm looking for. Of course, all the great Seventh Day Adventist schools were represented, with their ban on dancing, gum chewing and bowling. Quaker College was a delightful surprise, with its special appeal to Richard Nixon, who's dead but still deeply involved in campus recruiting. Oh, and the piece de resistance! She found an Amish school in Nicaragua. Nicaragua! A big shout out to Mama Kim on that one! RORY: Look, Mama Kim always starts out super serious on everything but then lightens with time. LANE: But I don't have time. Schools that I like will fill up and my band, my beloved band, will find another drummer, and if it's a girl I'm gonna be twice as mad. RORY: Look, Lane, just try to calm down. LANE: No, calm is for losers. I've spent my whole life compromising and being the good little girl and not doing what I want. Or doing what I want and hiding it and feeling guilty for doing it, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I mean, I even lost my first boyfriend because of all this. RORY: What boyfriend? LANE: Henry. RORY: Oh, right, Henry. LANE: See, that's how pathetic my life is. I'm calling a boyfriend a guy that I never even went out on a date with, and that my own best friend doesn't even remember, which is not your fault because there's nothing to remember. RORY: Okay, so besides power walking, what are you gonna do about it? LANE: Take a stand! RORY: What kind of stand? [Lane walks into the beauty supply store] Lane! [Rory follows her inside] CUT TO INSIDE BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE RORY: Lane. LANE: Follow my anger. RORY: What are you doing? LANE: Choosing a color. RORY: You're gonna dye your hair? LANE: Yes, I am. Lots of choices here. Help me narrow it down. RORY: You can't do this. LANE: Of course I can. RORY: And what, walk around in a hood all the time? How are you gonna hide this from your mom? LANE: I'm not gonna hide it, that's the point. RORY: Lane, think about this for a second, at least. LANE: Rory, I've been thinking about this my whole life. Nothing's gonna change unless I change it, and now's the time. I need to make a clear statement, one I can't go back on or chicken out on, one that everyone can see. And this is my instrument, it says This is me, this is Lane Kim.' [holds up a container of dye] RORY: That is you, it's black hair dye. LANE: This is merely a prop until we find my true color. Now, what do you think? Pink? Or is that too Pink the singer and Kelly Osbourne and Gwen Stefani. . .man, there's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. Okay, pink's out. There. . .there's blue what about blue? RORY: Blue's probably not right for your skin tone, and I agree with you about pink. What about purple? LANE: Yes, purple, you're brilliant. RORY: And bleach, don't forget the bleach. LANE: Bleach, right, okay, I'll get the bleach. Thank you. [Rory walks to the checkout counter] RORY: And make sure that you get some. . . gloves. [Rory is surprised when she sees that Shane is the cashier. Lane walks to the counter with a pile of supplies] LANE: Got them. RORY: Good, good. LANE: You all right? RORY: Yeah, fine, let's go. LANE: It's a good day today, isn't it? SHANE: Mmhmm. Twelve fifty-two. LANE: And I've got exact change for you. SHANE: Super. [sees Rory staring at her] You need something? RORY: No. No, I just, um. . . I was wondering if there's a money-back guarantee. You know, in case her hair falls out or something. SHANE: Um, sure. If your hair falls out, we'll give you your money back. RORY: Good. You heard that. The second you go bald, you can come get your money back. LANE: Rory, you're putting a damper on my Independence Day. RORY: Sorry, let's go. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [The next day, Lorelai walks into Luke's] LORELAI: Lucas, la escuela! LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. Did you lose track of time? LUKE: What? Why? LORELAI: It's four o'clock. LUKE: I know. LORELAI: We were supposed to be at the school, like, now. LUKE: I know. LORELAI: But you're not ready. LUKE: What? Oh, right, right, sorry. [removes apron] Okay, I'm ready. LORELAI: Au contraire. LUKE: What? LORELAI: You are so not ready. LUKE: What are you talking about? LORELAI: The grunge look is out. LUKE: Hey, I'm not dressing up for this. LORELAI: Well, you need something better than that. LUKE: The whole point of this stupid class talk was for us to talk about our work and our success. This flannel shirt is my most successful outfit. I've closed many a deal in this outfit. It's my power outfit. LORELAI: Come on. [Lorelai grabs his shirt collar and pulls him upstairs] LUKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, let go, let go, hey, you're pinching me! LORELAI: Go! [cut to upstairs hallway] LUKE: I don't wanna change. LORELAI: Be a good boy and I'll buy you a toy afterward. You wanna toy? [cut to inside Luke's apartment; Lorelai and Luke walk in, Jess is inside] LORELAI: Sorry to barge in. JESS: No problem. What was that about a toy? LORELAI: Your Uncle Luke is getting one if he's a good boy. LUKE: Can we make this more demeaning? Hey, why don't you go downstairs and help out Caesar? JESS: I think my education comes first, don't you? [Lorelai pulls a shirt out of Luke's closet] LORELAI: Oh my God. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Jimmy Buffett? LUKE: Put that back. LORELAI: You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow. LUKE: I've just been to a few shows, that's all. LORELAI: A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead. LUKE: Is that the one you want me to wear or not? LORELAI: Sing Margaritaville. LUKE: No. JESS: That attitude's gonna lose you that toy. LUKE: Stay outta this! [Lorelai pulls another shirt from the closet] LORELAI: We've got ourselves a winner. LUKE: Fine, fine, come on. [takes the shirt and walks toward the bathroom] LORELAI: Just change in here. LUKE: I'll be more comfortable in here. [goes into bathroom] LORELAI: I've seen you swimming at the lake so I've seen you with your shirt off. JESS: Lately? Cause he's really let himself go. LUKE: [from bathroom] I'll be one second. LORELAI: Lose the baseball cap, too. JESS: You run the risk of his head falling off without it. LORELAI: I think he'll be okay. [Lorelai looks at Jess' closet curiously] JESS: Something wrong? LORELAI: Uh, no. . .no, I just. . .no. [Luke walks out of the bathroom] LUKE: Happy? LORELAI: Thrilled. Now a tie with that would be just great. LUKE: We're leaving. And it's gotta be something I don't have to put together. LORELAI: What? LUKE: My toy. LORELAI: Got it. JESS: Talk good. [Luke and Lorelai walk out of the apartment] [cut to hallway] LORELAI: Wow, we're late. Oh, by the way, Jess had a girl in the closet. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Come on, pip pip! LUKE: Who? What was that? Lorelai? What about the closet?CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE [Lane and Rory are in the bathroom preparing to bleach Lane's hair] LANE: Okay, combs, rags, instructions, timer, towels, tunes. RORY: All systems a go. LANE: So far, so good. RORY: Now, are you sure about this? LANE: Will you stop? RORY: I'm just making sure. LANE: I'll sign a waiver if you want. Hit play please. RORY: We should open a window, shouldn't we? LANE: It's freezing outside. RORY: Yeah, but the bleach is gonna stink up the whole house. LANE: Let it. Let it be the first clue that something's happened for when my mom gets home. Let the thick smell of bleach meet her at the doorway like a force that'll usher her into the next chapter of Lane Kim's life. The smell of bleach is the smell of freedom! RORY: You're very dramatic today. LANE: To hell with the floor! Oh, that felt good to say. RORY: You done? LANE: I'm done. RORY: Take your seat, please. [Lane sits] And here we go. [Rory starts applying the bleach] How you doing? LANE: Fine. RORY: Feeling good? LANE: Feeling great. This is such a catharsis. I have never felt so naturally high in my life. Stings a little, though. RORY: Yeah, that happens. LANE: But just a little, no biggie. More than a little actually, it's kind of a big little. RORY: Just keep me posted. LANE: In that case, it's kind of a lot. Yup, yup, a lot of sting happening here. RORY: Try thinking about something else. God, this smells awful. LANE: Okay, thinking about something else, something else. Thinking about puppy dogs. Thinking about getting things in the mail. I love getting things in the mail, letters and packages. RORY: Got a package. LANE: What's that? RORY: Oh, Jim Carrey says that in Ace Ventura. LANE: Good distraction. Still thinking. . .thinking about world events, lots going on there. Thinking about the last movie I saw. Vin Diesel was in it. Thinking about Vin Diesel now. Thinking about where Vin Diesel got the name Vin Diesel. Thinking about Vin Diesel's mysterious ethnicity. Thinking about how surprising it is to have so much to think about with Vin Diesel. Who knew, who knew? Okay, now I'm just thinking about the pain, we're into pain here. RORY: Back to Vin Diesel. LANE: I've exhausted Vin Diesel, but the pain that's not exhausted! RORY: What kind of pain is it? LANE: Ever light your head on fire? I haven't, but I don't have to now cause I know how it feels. RORY: I'll rinse it out. LANE: No, we'd have to start all over again and now that I know how much pain there is, I'll chicken out for sure! RORY: I'm getting dizzy from the smell. LANE: Let's focus on my pain. Now read the bottle, tell me what to do in case of pain. RORY: Um, blah blah blah, do not apply to a broken scalp is your scalp broken? LANE: I don't know, maybe. I don't know my scalp that well. RORY: There's nothing else about pain. Oh, a girl told me once that if your scalp is hurting from bleach, drink a 7UP. It's something to do with the bubbles. LANE: The Kim household does not have soft drinks. RORY: Well, what do you got? LANE: Something called Salad Water imported from Korea. Believe me, it's nothing like 7UP. RORY: Oh my God, we have to open this window. LANE: Okay, I have got to do something! RORY: Run around the block! LANE: Why? RORY: I don't know! LANE: Good enough for me! CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Lorelai, Luke, and Debbie are walking down the hallway] DEBBIE: It's so good of you both to do this, really. LORELAI: Oh, we're happy to be here, right? LUKE: Yup, zippity doo dah. DEBBIE: Oh, Luke, it must be fun to be back at your old alma mater, huh? LUKE: Oh yeah, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy here. LORELAI: Don't let him fool you. He told me he was so excited about today, he couldn't sleep last night. DEBBIE: Oh, we're all excited, too. It's been so long since we saw you, Lorelai. We had some laughs with this one, let me tell you. LUKE: Oh yeah, she's a funny one. DEBBIE: The book fair of 97. . .what you said to that one rude customer uh! Priceless how you put him in his place. LORELAI: Yeah, I put that man in his place, all right, zing! DEBBIE: Oh oh oh, what you said to him! How could anyone forget? LORELAI: Huh, yeah. DEBBIE: Hey, Old Man. . . LORELAI: . . .old man. . . DEBBIE: Stick a crowbar - LORELAI: . . .crowbar. . . DEBBIE: - in your wallet - LORELAI: . . . in his wallet. . . DEBBIE: - and cough up some dough - LORELAI: . . .dough. . . DEBBIE: - cause this is for our kids! LORELAI: . . .our kids! Ha ha! DEBBIE: You do remember! LORELAI: What, it's emblazoned up here Debbie, all those good times. DEBBIE: Definitely. Now everyone's gathered. The vice-principal will finish up in a second and then we'll call you in. Lorelai, you wanna go first? LORELAI: Yeah, sure. Is that okay? LUKE: It's okay by me. DEBBIE: Great. See you in a minute. [walks away] LORELAI: I couldn't pick that woman out of a lineup if my life depended on it. [While Luke walks over to a chair and sits down, Lorelai looks out the door of the school and sees Lane running through the street with bleach on her head. Lorelai walks over to Luke.] LORELAI: Will you lighten up? LUKE: No, I won't lighten up. LORELAI: Aw. LUKE: I hate this place. Still smells the same old, repressive. [Lorelai sits down next to him and pulls her notecards out of her pocket] LORELAI: Being back here doesn't make you nostalgic at all? LUKE: I liked the final bell, that's about it. What are those? LORELAI: They're, uh, my notes for the talk. LUKE: You put thought into this? LORELAI: Yeah, don't you have notes? LUKE: I run a diner, what are my notes? I open the door, people come in, they order food, I cook the food, I serve the food, they eat the food. Then there's a terrific action sequence where I refill coffee and water. And oh, my big finale is a description of the whole end of the evening mopping up ceremony. LORELAI: Hey, you're sure you don't mind me going first? LUKE: Are you kidding? There's a good chance you'll yack so much they won't even get to me. [Lorelai looks inside a display case] LORELAI: Oh my God. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Nothing, nothing at all, Butch. [Luke walks over to her. His high school picture is hanging in the display case with the caption "State High Hurdles Champion 1985 - Butch Danes"] LUKE: For the love of. . .what's that doing there? LORELAI: What's it doing? It's yelling, Mock me, mock me!' LUKE: It shouldn't be there. LORELAI: Oh no, you're right. It should have its own special display at the diner with a big old spotlight on it. LUKE: Don't they need my permission for this? This should be illegal. LORELAI: No, those shorts with that tank top should be illegal. LUKE: Okay, stop now. LORELAI: What was your girlfriend's name, Sissy? LUKE: As a matter of fact, no. LORELAI: Oh, the girls just swooned when Butch Danes took the field. LUKE: I knew there was another good reason not to do this. LORELAI: Oh no, don't walk away, Butch. Well, if I thought you didn't care, I'd die, oh, I'd just die. CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE [Rory and Lane are in the bathroom. Lane's hair is blond.] LANE: It's weird. RORY: Like straw. LANE: I feel like I should be singing If I Only Had a Brain.' RORY: Now, you feel better? Burning's completely gone? LANE: Completely. I even think the Salad Water's helping. RORY: Okay, here goes nothing. [starts applying the purple dye] So have you mentioned dyeing your hair to the band yet? LANE: No, but they'll be cool with it. They've all got tattoos. Dave and Zach have musical themes and Brian's got Snoopy. RORY: Poor guy. LANE: Yeah, but he's a slamming bass player. RORY: So you haven't even mentioned it to Dave? LANE: I just said I didn't tell the band. RORY: Not even Dave? LANE: No, not even to Dave. And what's with all the pressing? RORY: I don't know, Dave's just different from the other two. LANE: Of course, he's the defacto leader. RORY: I know, but it also seemed like from the day you guys met there was a little something happening there. LANE: I don't know what you're talking about. RORY: You're always talking about him. You always seem to be thinking about him. And now with this hair emancipation of yours, you're going to unheard of lengths to make a statement to your mother about who you are so you can have a shot at staying in the band all roads lead to Dave. LANE: Rory, Dave and I are professionals. RORY: I know. LANE: Plus, the rock and roll highway is littered with casualties of band members who have dated and broken the band apart. RORY: That's a sensible attitude. LANE: Very sensible, very sensible. Dave and I are very sensible people. I'm in love with him. RORY: I know. LANE: Is it that obvious? RORY: Only to a guy with sunglasses and a dog selling pencils. LANE: He's so cute. RORY: Definitely cute. LANE: And smart you know, that's such a rare package. It's usually one or the other. RORY: It's wrong, but that's the way it usually is. LANE: It just increases the amount of competition for the Daves of the world. RORY: You're rare, too, don't forget. LANE: I've never really felt this way before. I mean, Henry yes, but we never spent any real time together. It's not just puppy love, you know, it's different. I mean, I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him, and when I call him to work out times for band practice, the ring of his telephone gets me really excited. And last week, someone said Dave at school it wasn't even about my Dave, and I almost lost it, I got so shaky. RORY: My Dave that's so cute. LANE: Stop it. RORY: This sounds like love to me. LANE: It does, doesn't it? My first love, wow. RORY: Yeah, wow. LANE: I finally have a first love, like what you and Dean have. RORY: Right. . . exactly. LANE: Of course, I don't exactly have what you and Dean have because you love Dean and Dean loves you back. In my situation, I love Dave and Dave thinks that I have a decent sense of rhythm. RORY: Don't move, you'll drip. LANE: God, you're so lucky to love a guy who actually knows you love him and who loves you back. That's gotta be the best feeling ever. RORY: I think this purple's gonna look good. LANE: I want that. I want that really bad. RORY: You'll have that. You will have your perfect first love and second love and any other love you want because you're great and purple heads will not be denied. LANE: Now that should've been put on the box. RORY: Okay, now, head down please. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Lorelai and Luke are waiting in the hallway. Debbie comes out of the classroom] DEBBIE: Okay, we're all ready for you guys. LORELAI: Great, excellent. [they walk into the classroom] DEBBIE: Okay, uh, Luke, you can have a seat here while Lorelai's talking, okay? LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: [points to desk] Hey, what's that? Luke plus Sissy. LUKE: Start your speech. DEBBIE: Okay, everyone, we're ready to begin. We have two local luminaries here to talk to us today. You probably all recognize Luke Danes from his fabulous diner, but we're really excited to begin with a former Stars Hollow High mom, Lorelai Gilmore. [applause] LORELAI: No, no, save it for when I wow you with my brilliance. I'm really happy to be here with you all today. I recognize a lot of you from over the years and you're all getting taller and older stop it. Anyhow, as some of you know, I run the Independence Inn. Sounds simple, running an inn. Well, the sentence is simple, the job is not. Like most jobs, mine involves many other people, people it is my job to hire, to train, and to inspire because when you have good employees it makes you look good. Oh, questions already are questions okay? DEBBIE: They're encouraged. LORELAI: Yes? GIRL 1: You're Rory Gilmore's mom, aren't you? LORELAI: Yes I am, and proud of it. GIRL 1: Oh. LORELAI: Oh, is that it? Well, I hope all your questions are that easy. Okay, now, why is it necessary to inspire employees? Why can't you just train them and let them do their jobs? Well. . .yes? GIRL 2: Didn't you get pregnant when you were sixteen? LORELAI: Um, sixteen. . .it was around that age. Sixteen, that sounds right. Okay. Different people working for you will have different needs. . .yeah? BOY: Well, what about school? LORELAI: School? I'm sorry. BOY: Did you drop out when you got pregnant with Rory? LORELAI: No, technically, I didn't drop out. I, uh, I kept going as long as I could while I got pregnant, which I would recommend to any girl. Not the getting pregnant part, obviously. Um, although, uh, if that happens, um, you know. . . it shouldn't. I mean, it could but you should try to avoid it. . . um, anyway, uh, I got my GED, yeah. DEBBIE: Lorelai, why don't we move this along? LORELAI: Yes, oh, moving it along, moving it along. Okay, okay, okay. Boy, I should've been more organized here. GIRL 1: Well, are you sorry you got pregnant? LORELAI: No, it brought me Rory, but timing is everything. I mean, I could've. . .sixteen, you guys are sixteen, right . . .and hey, is that clock right? GIRL 3: What do you mean by timing? GIRL 1: Yeah, if you had waited and had a baby with another man at a different time. . . GIRL 4: It wouldn't have been Rory, right? LORELAI: Hey, you know what's fun to talk about? Late checkout. GIRL 2: But it was good you got pregnant when you did because you got Rory. LORELAI: Look, you guys, this is a very important subject, and I promise that another time I would love to take you all for a cup of coffee and, and talk about . . .if you should even be allowed to drink coffee because coffee is for older. . . [sighs] . . .Butch Danes, everybody. CUT TO LANE'S HOUSE [Rory is standing in the hallway; Lane laughs excitedly from inside the bathroom] RORY: What? LANE: It's perfect, I love it. RORY: Well, stop primping and get out here. [Lane opens the door and reveals her purple hair] Whoa. LANE: It's everything I hoped it would be. RORY: It's very rock and roll. LANE: We've gotta take a picture. RORY: Get the camera. LANE: I am a Kodak picture spot. [they run to Lane's bedroom] LANE: Should I scowl or smile? RORY: Surprise me. LANE: This is the most radical thing a Kim has done since my cousin Nam got caught reading Maxim at summer camp. [Rory takes Lane's picture, then they hear the front door open] RORY: That must be your mom. Lane? Lane, you're turning white. What's wrong? Lane! LANE: I can't do this. RORY: Can't do what? LANE: Dye my hair. RORY: Um, it's kinda too late. LANE: This is gonna kill her. RORY: It won't kill her, it'll just shock her. LANE: But the shock will kill her and then she'll kill me, we're talking bloodbath here. We've gotta put it back. RORY: Put it back? LANE: Back to black, right now, hurry! Go, go! RORY: Go where? LANE: Back to the store to get the black hair dye. RORY: No! LANE: Yes! RORY: No! LANE: Yes! RORY: This is insane. LANE: Rory, I just drank a gallon of liquid salad. Insanity is a daily staple at the Kim house. Go, go! RORY: Okay, I'm going. [walks to the door] LANE: Where are you going? RORY: You're messing with my mind here. LANE: You can't go out that way, my mom will see you. RORY: My head is my normal color, she can see me. LANE: But if she sees you, she'll come looking for me. [points to the window] RORY: You owe me. LANE: Big time forever. Now make like the wind. Go go, go go go go! CUT TO BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE [Rory shops for the hair dye as Shane talks on the phone at the counter] SHANE: [on phone] Uh huh. . .All I know is I don't have it, so it's gotta be at your place. . .You're not looking for it, you're watching TV, I can tell. . .Yeah, whatever. I'll just get a new one. So, what are we doing tonight? . . . I don't know, I'm sick of eating. I've been eating like a pig, I feel all bloaty. . . It is so a word, it's a word cause I said it. That's how words get invented, cause people say them and then other people say them. . . You're such a jerk sometimes and I'm always nice to you. . . [Rory is waiting at the counter for Shane to help her] RORY: Excuse me? SHANE: [on phone] I get off at the same boring time. RORY: Excuse me? SHANE: Yeah? RORY: I don't have all day. SHANE: [on phone] Hold on a sec. [to Rory] Will this be all? RORY: Yeah, that'll be all. I'm growing a beard here. SHANE: What's your problem? RORY: What's your problem? I'm a customer, I'm in a hurry, and you're supposed to assist me. SHANE: I am assisting you. RORY: Yeah, after you took your sweet time getting off the phone, which by the way, clearly was not a business call. SHANE: Un-freaking-believable. RORY: Yeah, it is, it is. The level of service in this place is just that un-freaking-believable. SHANE: Have a nice day. RORY: Yeah, thanks, you too. And by the way, bloaty is not a word. There's bloated, there's bloating, but no bloaty. SHANE: Thanks, that's fascinating. RORY: Well, for you, how ice is made is probably fascinating. See ya. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Luke are walking down the street. Luke is laughing] LORELAI: Don't. LUKE: I'm trying not to, I swear. [laughs] I'm not trying hard, I'll grant you that. LORELAI: What was with those kids? So curious, so full of questions. Shouldn't their brains be completely fried on TV and video games by now? [Luke laughs again] LORELAI: It wasn't funny. LUKE: Not from your angle. From mine, it was an evening at the Improv. LORELAI: I'm not gonna be allowed within a mile of the school ever again. LUKE: On the positive side, you did me a favor. Now I have a pleasant memory from that school you being nailed like a two by four by a group of sixteen-year-olds. [Lorelai sees Debbie and a group of women walking toward them] LORELAI: Oh no, what's this? LUKE: Looks like high noon in Stars Hollow. LORELAI: They're not carrying tar and feathers, are they? [the women walk up to them] LORELAI: Oh, hi everybody. Wow, the whole gang. What's up? DEBBIE: Well, I felt obligated to tell the other moms about your little performance at school before they heard about it elsewhere. LORELAI: Really, cause usually I like to meet up at Sardi's after a performance, wait for the reviews. I hope The Times liked me. Nothing, huh? LADY 1: So, you're preaching to our daughters that it's okay to get pregnant at sixteen, am I getting that right? LORELAI: No, not at all, I was just answering their questions. LADY 1: Well, it's your answers we didn't like. LORELAI: Hey, I was talking about my job like I was supposed to, but your kids kept asking about my pregnancy. What was I supposed to do? DEBBIE: Fend them off, change the subject! LORELAI: I tried, Debbie, but they kept coming at me like I was Poland and they were Nazis. Remember the old days, girls, when I used to make you laugh? LADY 2: There's nothing funny about this. LORELAI: Their questions just threw me off, that's all. LADY 1: Sounds like you just flaunted your mistakes. LORELAI: Now, hold on. You have no right to judge me. All I said was that for my particular circumstances things worked out okay. I advocated nothing to them. You're all acting like I walked into that room tossing condoms in the air. LADY 2: You might as well have. LORELAI: Fine, next time I will. I'll bring a banana and we'll have a little show and tell. How bout that? LADY 1: What kind of mother are you? LORELAI: The kind that doesn't gloss over things just because they're a little uncomfortable. DEBBIE: This whole incident was awkward and unnecessary. LORELAI: No, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that what's awkward and unnecessary, Deb, is that you all seem to go to the same lousy hairdresser. How bout mixing it up a little, huh, girls? LUKE: I gotta get going. You good here? LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, I'm good. DEBBIE: You don't have to take that tone. LORELAI: You ambush me, then you're offended by my tone? CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Jess is looking out the window as Luke walks in] LUKE: Hey. JESS: Hey. So what's going on out there? LUKE: Ah, just Lorelai. . .dealing with some women about something or other. So we did that thing at the school today. [Luke looks behind a chair] Yeah, it went pretty well. All the kids seemed relatively unarmed. [he looks into the closet] Yeah, I just told them about the diner and cooking things, and I expect kids all over town will rush out tomorrow and buy a spatula. JESS: Checking for monsters? LUKE: Oh, no, just. . . JESS: Just what? LUKE: Just didn't wanna accidentally bump into someone in there. JESS: What are you talking about? LUKE: Jess, did you have a girl stashed in there before? JESS: Before what? LUKE: Lorelai said you were hiding someone here earlier, she said a girl were you? JESS: Yes. LUKE: Jess, you don't shove a girl in a closet. JESS: I did not shove her in the closet. She got in voluntarily. LUKE: Oh, sure. JESS: Look, Shane freaked when she heard you guys coming. Next thing I know, she's in there. I personally didn't care if you guys saw us or not, but hey women, right? You can't live with them, you can't keep them from jumping in the closet. LUKE: Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk. JESS: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me, I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late. LUKE: Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you're at an age where the whole girl thing is. . .you know, on your mind a lot, and it's probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane JESS: I don't care about her. LUKE: What? JESS: I don't even know her last name. LUKE: You're kidding. JESS: She mentioned it once. It didn't stick. LUKE: Well, if you don't care about her, what are you doing with her? JESS: Just hanging with her, no biggie. LUKE: Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room. JESS: Relax, will ya? All is good. LUKE: Jess, this isn't right. You can't treat a girl like this, like dirt! JESS: If it's any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It's a pretty symbiotic relationship. LUKE: And that's fine with you? JESS: Yes, it is. LUKE: To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back. JESS: That's right. LUKE: Oh, that makes you happy? JESS: I'd do backflips but I am way too cool. LUKE: That makes absolutely no sense. JESS: It doesn't have to make sense to you. LUKE: There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess. JESS: Don't you have to get back to the diner? LUKE: I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about. JESS: Oh, like it's that easy. LUKE: Yeah, it's that easy if you try. JESS: Hey, the girls that I like don't give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I'm not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me. LUKE: What's that supposed to mean? JESS: You fixed any neighbor's porches lately? Or you go on a picnic or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school? LUKE: Shut up. JESS: At least I've got a little self-esteem. LUKE: Shut up. JESS: I'm not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she'll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn't wanna be with me, then fine. LUKE: You have no idea what you're talking about. JESS: Whatever. I gotta go, Shane's waiting. LUKE: Oh, you mean what's-her-name? JESS: Yeah, I'll bring you a new leash when I get back. LUKE: Get outta here. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Lane are walking down the street] LANE: Busy day, busy day. RORY: I'm pretty exhausted. LANE: I guess it was just too big of a statement for me to make right now. RORY: Maybe. Oh, hey, I just thought of something. LANE: What? RORY: Technically, you have dyed hair. LANE: I do, don't I? RORY: Yup. LANE: I mean, dyed my natural color, yes but dyed nonetheless. RORY: Not one strand of real color on that head of yours. LANE: So, I guess that means we can score this as a victory, right? RORY: Absolutely, put it in the victory column. [Jess and Shane walk past them] SHANE: That girl's a freak. LANE: What was that about? RORY: It's been a very long day. [Lorelai walks up to them] LORELAI: Ah, people who like me, great. RORY: How was your talk at the school? LORELAI: Oh, just peachy. [to Lane] Is your hair blacker? LANE: Uh oh. RORY: Oh, I wish you hadn't have said that. It's not noticeable, but just stay out of bright lighting. LORELAI: What happened? LANE: I dyed my hair. LORELAI: Uh! LANE: Then I dyed it back, but for a full thirty minutes, I looked like this. [pulls out the picture] LORELAI: Whoa, you look cool! You're insane. LANE: I got sane again, but I will always have that picture. Oh, uh, hide it at your place? LORELAI: Will do. LANE: I gotta go. And remember, we still need a plan. LORELAI: Yes, we do. [Lane leaves] LORELAI: Why do we need a plan? RORY: A plan so that Lane doesn't have to quit her band. LORELAI: Lane can't quit the band! She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono. RORY: I told her that. LORELAI: All right, let's go eat. . .see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie. RORY: Sounds good. LORELAI: Let's go to Al's Pancake World for a change. He's doing a salute to Jamaica again. RORY: Okay, as long as Al doesn't play the kettle drums all night. LORELAI: We'll hide his mallets when he's not looking. RORY: So, come on, tell me how the talk went. LORELAI: Oh, it was great. It was one minute on my success in the business world, and that went very well. And it was ten minutes on the possibility that if I had had s*x with a different man at a different time in my life, you wouldn't have been born. RORY: What? LORELAI: I kind of got off on a tangent. RORY: A big one. How did that happen? LORELAI: I'll tell you about it at Al's. Just don't expect to be invited to any more swim parties at Kathy Fincher's house. RORY: Well, don't wait til Al's. Tell me now. LORELAI: Oh, I just love my little fluke. RORY: Come on, what happened? LORELAI: All right. Well, it started off really good and then all these kids started asking me all these questions, you know, about like. . . .	Plan: A: the Stars Hollow High School local business success speakers forum; Q: Where does Lorelai go to get her personal questions answered? A: the delight; Q: What did Luke think of Lorelai's controversial questions? A: the consternation; Q: What did some PTA mothers feel about Lorelai's controversial questions? A: their closets; Q: Luke and Jess argue about women in their lives and what else? A: the strictures; Q: What is Lane frustrated about in her household? A: the future; Q: What does Lane worry about in regards to her band? A: a colorful, if temporary, display; Q: How does Lane show her independence? A: independence; Q: What does Lane display to ease her frustration about her household and band? A: a severe bout; Q: How much snarkiness does Rory have? A: snarkiness; Q: What does Rory succumb to after running into Shane too many times? Summary: Lorelai's stint in the Stars Hollow High School local business success speakers forum gets derailed by some controversial personal questions, much to the delight of Luke and the consternation of some PTA mothers; Luke and Jess argue about the women in and out of their lives (and their closets); Lane alleviates her frustration about the strictures of her household and the future of her band through a colorful, if temporary, display of independence; Rory runs into Shane one too many times and succumbs to a severe bout of snarkiness.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet.] Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh? Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore. Monica: Rachel! Rachel: What? Monica: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge! Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full. Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.) Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door and stops.) Monica: Third door on the left. Rachel: Right! [Scene: Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger. Mr. Treeger:: Hey. (Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it's so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.) Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing? Rachel: Ummm. Oh! I'm sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.) It's a little old but... Mr. Treeger:: No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging! Rachel: I'm sorry. I didn't-I don't come in here a lot. Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you don't! Rachel: No. Mr. Treeger:: 'Cause you're a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me..." Rachel: I didn't... I never said that. Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't think of someone else for a change? Rachel: (starting to cry) Okay, I'm sorry. (Runs out still carrying the pizza box.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment as Rachel returns in tears.] Monica: God! If you're gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to through it out.] OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room.] Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry? Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true. Joey: I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson. Monica: Joey, please don't do that. I think it's best that we just forget about it. Rachel: That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed. Joey: All right that's it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.) Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandler's wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card? Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times. Ross: So why don't you quit? Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria. Ross: Who is Maria? Chandler: Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym...treat. Ross: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand? Chandler: No! Ross: So you're strong enough to face her on your own? Chandler: Oh no, you'll have to come. [Scene: Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it.] Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger. Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you're gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord. Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what? Joey: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968! Joey: I have actually not heard of that. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I've been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief. I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother's apartment. Your friends are outta here pal. Joey: Why don't you tell me something I don't know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an 'Oops!' have.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast.] Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today! Monica: What's the matter? Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for. Monica: So do them for free. Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse. Ross: They make you take an oath? Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense. Chandler: Why don't you just give him to somebody else? Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional. (She starts to leave) Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet? Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up. Chandler: Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table! Monica: You're gonna do some feet flirtin'! Phoebe: I don't what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leaqve) Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?! Phoebe: Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone! [Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.] Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened? Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he'd better come up here and apologize. I'll see you later. (Starts to leave) Monica: What a minute, what did he say? Joey: He said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted-I'll see you later. Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!! Monica: I told you not to go down there! Joey: Well he made Rachel cry! Monica: Rachel always cries! Rachel: That's not true! (Starts to cry.) Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you've never sucked before! Joey: All right! I'll try! But if I can't, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled. Rachel: Go!! Joey: All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns around) I mean I'll have to check with him first, but I'll think he'll be cool with it. (Monica shoos him out.) [Scene: Chandler's gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.] Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong. Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes! Ross: One more time, "Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?" Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts! Ross: Good! That's good! Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You wanna quit? Chandler: I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You do realize that you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa. Chandler: (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a 'Be strong' sound.) I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member? Ross: Me? No. Gym Employee: Sorry, members only. Chandler: (horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym. Ross: It's okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.) Gym Employee: (to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym. Ross: No! And I'm not gonna be, so you can save you little speech. Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second? (This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up) Woman: Hi, I'm Maria. (Ross is at a loss for words.) [Scene: Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebe's work, she is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes.] Rick: (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really pretty feet. Phoebe: These old things. Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it's been killing me today. Phoebe: You mean the-Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion. Rick: Yeah. Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y'know, real (lifts up the towel) nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area. Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace. Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.) Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me? Phoebe: No! [Scene: Mr. Treeger's apartment, Joey is there to suck up.] Mr. Treeger:: What? Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there fault, it was mine. Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out instead? Joey: No you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live? Mr. Treeger:: You have pets! Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck. Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around. Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want. Mr. Treeger:: Really? You'll do anything? Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, I've got something you can do. Joey: What, what is it? Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner? Joey: That's not, prison lingo, is it? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do.] Monica: His dancing partner?! Joey: Yeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. I don't know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's a crush on. Rachel: Well, why doesn't he practice with a girl? Joey: Well, he's too shy, he doesn't thing he's good enough to dance with girls yet. Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that...garbage chute. (Starts to cry) Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?! You're fine! (Chandler and Ross enter) Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit? Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter! Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym? (Rachel starts to laugh.) Ross: And that's funny, why? Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just y'know working out and umm... Oh, that's it. Chandler: We're doomed. Okay, they're gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do? Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym. (Chandler and Ross both laugh) Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source. Chandler: You're a genius! Joey: Aww, man, now we won't be bank buddies! Chandler: Now, there's two reasons. Phoebe: (entering) Hey. All: Hey! Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him. Rachel: Where?! Phoebe: On the touchy. Ross: And that's not against your oath?! Phoebe: No, I know! I-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one. Monica: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself. Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y'know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler! Chandler: Thank you, Joey. Joey: No-no, thank you. [Scene: Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.] Joey: All right, I'm here, let's ahh, get this over with. Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. (Turns on some music) Joey: Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk? Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh. (Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.) Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! I'm sorry! Joey: No, it's okay, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back. Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! I'll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head. Joey: Come on man, you're not a potato. Mr. Treeger:: I'm sure as hell a dancer, it's no use Marge will never go for me. Joey: Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let's ahh, let's try it again. Come on. (they start dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y'know, I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a-(Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey! Mr. Treeger:: Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters.] Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet? Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step on the way.) Rachel: (laughing) What was that? Joey: What? Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing. Joey: No I didn't. Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop. Rachel: You are soo enjoying this. Joey: No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pademarie. Monica: (laughing harder) You know the words! You are so into this! Joey: All right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm getting pretty good at it. Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes. Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All right, it's like a sport, it's manly! Monica: All right, then show me some manly moves. Joey: All right. (They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn't, and they fumble around for a little bit.) Joey: I don't know how to lead. [Scene: Ross and Chandler's bank, they are there to close their accounts.] Ross: Hello. Chandler: Hi. Ross: We'd like to close our accounts. Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem? Ross: No-no. Chandler: No, we'd just like to close them. Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you come over here please? Ms. Lambert: Hi, I'm Karen. Chandler: I wanna quit the bank! [Scene: Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage.] Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little... Oh no-wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick's pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that's working. (The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.) Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandler's knees. Chandler's... ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, you're all set. Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?! Phoebe: Yeah! In... really long hour world. Rick: What? Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me y'know, the feeling. Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse. Phoebe: Really?! Rick: Yeah, really. (They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.) Phoebe: What? Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that I'm naked. Phoebe: (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to kiss again) (Suddenly, Phoebe's boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.) Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon's been waiting for-(sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God! Mr. Simon: Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that. Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn't that kind of place. Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't what it looks like, 'cause Rick is my ahh, husband. Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife, 'cause she called three times asking where he is. Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank woes.] Monica: So you didn't leave the bank? Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account. Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?! Chandler: To pay for the gym. (Phoebe enters) Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore. Joey: What?! Rachel: You got fired?! Monica: Oh my Gosh! Phoebe: It's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before! Rachel: Sweety... Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y'know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise. (There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.) Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here? Chandler: Yeah... Bunny-rabbit. Joey: (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice? Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but y'know, I think the reason we're not getting that spin right is because my apartment's too small. Joey: Look, you wanna use our place? Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea. [Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.] Joey: We did it!! Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?! Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful. Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball. Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango? Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls. Joey: Okay. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Joey: Go get 'em Treeger. Mr. Treeger:: Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend. Joey: (intrigued) Really? Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she's the same size as me. Joey: No, I'm good. (Treeger leaves, and Joey's dances off.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Lara and Jeni's Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job.] Interviewer: So it looks like you've got some great experience here. Let's see ahh, reason for leaving last job? Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore. Interviewer: Okay, we'll give a call if anything comes up. Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much. (The interviewer watches her leave with an 'Oh my goodness' face.)	Plan: A: an attractive client; Q: What is the name of the client that Phoebe struggles to remain professional with? A: her feelings; Q: What does Phoebe finally confess to her client? A: Phoebe's boss; Q: Who fires Phoebe for kissing a married man? A: Chandler; Q: Who needs Ross' help to quit his gym? A: the assertive staff; Q: What is Chandler intimidated by? A: Joey; Q: Who confronts Mr. Treeger? A: Mr. Treeger; Q: Who makes Rachel cry? A: Monica; Q: Who does Treeger threaten to report for illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment? Summary: Phoebe struggles to remain professional with an attractive client. When she finally confesses her feelings to him he reciprocates. While kissing, Phoebe's boss walks in, she informs Phoebe the man is married, then fires her. Chandler needs Ross' help to quit his gym when he becomes intimidated by the assertive staff. Joey confronts Mr. Treeger after he makes Rachel cry. Treeger then threatens to report Monica for illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment. To make amends, Joey agrees to help Treeger practice ballroom dancing for his upcoming social event.
OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: Tomorrow is expected to be a defining moment for the Grant administration, as tenth Circuit Chief Justice Patrick Keating is considered the front-runner to be named as the president's first Supreme Court judicial nominee. Keating's nomination would not come without controversy, as the more conservative members of President Grant's own party have voiced concerns over Keating's past rulings on right-toprivacy statutes. Sharon: You did a nice job with him, the president getting him elected, I mean. Olivia: The American people did that. Sharon: Oh, honey. I followed that election. He was a diamond in the rough before you started working for him. You were responsible for that photo op with the little girl with cancer, where he played the piano. Olivia: The guitar. Sharon: You made him. Why did you leave the White House? No one leaves a job in the west wing without a good reason. Harrison: Liv, we're ready. Line two. Olivia: Stephen, you in? Stephen: We're in. Quinn: Ohh. I'm sorry. I'm here. Where is everybody? Harrison: On the job. We have a client. Quinn: What's going on? Harrison: We're fixers. We're fixing. [SCENE_BREAK] INTERIOR SHARON MARQUETTE'S HOUSE / OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: I am open-minded. I'm an open-minded person. I don't judge. I just want to say that I think you're being a pig. You're engaged. You have a fiancée! Stephen: You almost done or not? Abby: I'm almost done. People have standards, Stephen, morals. I'm disappointed is all I'm saying. You think you know someone. Stephen: You can lecture me later. Now we're working. Abby: You work. Stephen: They're almost out. Sharon: Did they get the photo albums? Olivia: Stephen, the photo albums. Stephen: Did you get the photo albums? Abby: No. No, not yet. Sharon: Please get the photo albums. They're important. Stephen: Guys, better hurry it up. Looks like we're not alone. Abby: Got 'em. Stephen: You'd better use the back door. Stephen: Liv, he spotted me, which means you've got ten minutes. Olivia: Harrison, we've got incoming! [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: I know I'm new here. I know that, but it would be so helpful if someone could tell me what's going on. Olivia: How long's it been? Quinn: Since I started working here? Harrison: Eleven minutes. Maybe he's not gonna show. Olivia: He'll be here. Just wait. Quinn: Who? Who are we waiting for? David: You know what I love about my job? I'm the good guy. The law is on my side. I am the law. The law is me. I work for justice. I uphold the constitution of these United States. I am a knight for the people. I wear the white hat, and you, Olivia Carolyn Pope, you are a pain in my ass. I had a search warrant for that house, but by the time I got to use it, there was nothing there, because your people took whatever there was to find. Olivia: Hello, David. Good to see you. Did you get a haircut? It's nice. David: Where is it, Olivia? Olivia: Where's what? David: The list, Olivia. I'm talking about the list and anything else in connection with the illegal business activities of that woman right there. Olivia: I don't have any list. No one in this office does. David: I can arrest her, you know? I have enough to arrest her right here, right now. Olivia: You could, but being an upholder of the constitution, you'd need an arrest warrant, wouldn't you? Do you have one of those? My white hat's bigger than your white hat. David: Can you at least pretend you aren't enjoying this? Quinn: Harrison, who exactly is the lady in the conference room? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: You get it all? Stephen: All of it. Sharon: Th-the photo albums? Abby: All of it. Stephen: Didn't I tell you we'd take good care of you? Quinn: I'm Quinn. Sharon: Oh. Sharon Marquette. Nice to meet you. Quinn: Can I get you anything? More tea? Sharon: That's very sweet of you. Stevie, you didn't tell me you worked with so many sweet girls. Quinn: You know Stephen? Abby: Ha. Stephen: Uh, we're old friends. Abby: That's a nice word for it, "friends". Olivia: Abby. Abby: Sorry. No offense. To you. Sharon: Oh, none taken. Quinn: I'm sorry. I don't. I'm new here. How do you two know each other? Olivia: Quinn. Abby: She provides whores for him. Sharon: I'm D.C.'s finest madam, dear. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - LAWN Fitz: They ready for me? Cyrus: In a minute. Mr. President... Fitz: Big day, Cyrus. A great day for the American people. Cyrus: We need to talk about this. Fitz: I am nominating a man to the Supreme Court today. One of the finest constitutional scholars in the country. He's gonna change the face of american law. Did you know Keating also has a PhD? He wrote his dissertation on the nature of revolutions? Revolutions, Cyrus! Cyrus: And he likes sunsets and long walks on the beach. He's perfect, sir. It is a great day, but we need to talk about Olivia. Fitz: We can do this another time. Cyrus: We're doing this now. Fitz: Look, you misunderstood what you saw. Cyrus: I did not misunderstand. It may be a long while since I had an angry lover on my hands, but I do remember what it looks like. You're having an affair with Olivia Pope. Fitz: I am not having an affair Cyrus: Having, had, don't Clinton me with words. Something happened between you and Olivia, and something happened between you and Amanda Tanner. I need to know how much trouble we're in. Fitz: This is not a discussion we are going to have. Cyrus: Olivia is representing her. Amanda Tanner. She's now Olivia Pope's client. I'm on your side. Do you understand? I'm on your side. Fitz: Cy This is a great day for the American people. Don't ruin it. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Sharon Marquette D.C.'s one-stop shop for high-priced hookers. Yesterday one of Sharon's newest working girls Ginger Bell. Seriously, her real name is Ginger Bell, like her parents didn't want her to go to college, like they planned for their kid to be a hooker Ginger Bell got herself arrested in the lobby of the Hay-Adams. This is her booking photo. Pretty girl. You ever sleep with Ginger Bell, Stevie? Olivia: Abby. Abby: Moving on, Ginger Bell sang like a little bird, a bird who has sx for money, the second they locked her in a cell. Sharon: I don't blame Ginger. Really, I don't. It was her first night. The first night's always the hardest for a girl, you know? It's the night she learns whether or not she has what it takes. She has to put on her face and go out into the world, sit in the bar or the lobby or wherever it is they've decided to meet, and then she has to look him in the eye and know that they're both in agreement that her body is worth a certain amount of money. Of course, it's a lot of money, but it's still a transaction, and then she has to come back and show me what she made, so I know she can go out again the next night and the night after that. Huck: I wiped her home computer, and I just searched the copy I made, and there's nothing there no names, no dates, no tax returns. Olivia: David thinks there is a client list, and if there is one, we need it. We may need not to use it, but we need to know who's on it. We can't do anything for Sharon until we know the landscape, and the landscape starts with that list. Huck: Well, there were no records I could see. There was nothing encrypted. Quinn: Does someone like Sharon even keep records? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Sharon: And that's Mason And that's Aiden in the frog costume. Aren't they adorable? And my daughter says they're testing well above grade level. Harrison: Okay, ma'am, I'm sure your grandkids are great and all, but, um sorry. Sharon: No, you're right. I enjoy showing them off, but what you really want to see is back here. I have them going all the way back to 1986. Olivia: A girl's first name, a date, an amount, and a number. Harrison: No Johns? Stephen: Ten digits. Telephone numbers? Huck: You're good. Sharon: I try. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Phone numbers are perfect. Put 'em in a public records database, and it's as good as a name, maybe better. Type in a number And I get every man who purchased one of Sharon's girls. His name, his photo, his address, how much he weighs, and if he's an organ donor. Abby: I'm being thorough. Olivia: Amanda Tanner I want you to go check on her in the hospital. Quinn: I can help with the madam case. I know I'm new here, and you maybe don't think I'm ready, but I want to be useful. Olivia: You are being useful, checking on Amanda Tanner. Quinn: Well, I just I mean, you said yourself, she's just a girl telling lies about the president, and she's not going to anymore. She's not going to talk to anybody. You put a stop to that, so why is she so important? Look, I'm just saying, I'm a lawyer, too, and I can do more than get coffee and babysit Amanda Tanner. Olivia: Don't ask questions. Just go. Abby: This is why I don't date. Harrison: This is why I don't trust politicians. Stephen: Yeah, it's a "who's who" of Washington. Olivia: No wonder the U.S. attorney wants to get his hands on this list. Olivia: Damn it. Stephen: Liv? Olivia: I gotta go. Harrison: Who's Patrick Keating? Stephen: Well, right now he's no one, but in about ten minutes, he's gonna be the President's first Supreme Court nominee. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE Olivia: No, listen, it it's gonna take at least a couple of hours for David to get that arrest warrant. Don't give up that list for any reason. Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can. Olivia: Morning, Morris. Morris: Sorry, Ms. Pope, but you aren't cleared. Olivia: Wh-when have I ever not been cleared? Morris: Never, till today. Let me see what I can...I'm supposed to take your hard pass. Olivia: I'm denied? Morris, you know me. I? Morris: Look, I'm sorry. You could still come in if you had an appointment, but you Billy: Is there a problem? Because she makes 'em go away for a living, and she's very good. Morris: Ms. Pope isn't on the list, sir. Billy: What did you do now? Olivia: Don't ask. Can you get me in? I need to talk to Cyrus. Billy: She can come in with me. I'll vouch for her. Morris: I'm sorry, but she needs an appointment, or else I can't let her in. Billy: What's your extension, Morris? Morris: 3838. Why? Billy: Hang on. Okay. Answer it. Morris: Hello. Billy: Hi. This is Billy Chambers, the Vice President's Chief of Staff. I need a walk-on pass for Olivia Pope. Thank you, Morris. Olivia: Thank you. Thank you. Billy: So what's up? Olivia: You're gonna want to hear this. [SCENE_BREAK] HOSPITAL Gideon: Don't you hate hospitals? Quinn: Yeah, a little. Gideon: Is that your sister? Quinn: She's a friend. Gideon: Gideon Wallace. Quinn: Quinn Perkins. Gideon: Is she gonna be okay, your friend? Quinn: Yeah, I think so. Gideon: That's good, really good. She tried to kill herself? I was walking by here earlier. I saw the bandages on her wrists. Her name's Amanda, right? She ever try anything like this before? Quinn: Gideon? Gideon: Yes? Quinn: Which news outlet do you work for? Gideon: The "D.C. Sun". And who do you work for? Quinn: I don't work for anyone, and I'm not going to talk to you, and Amanda can't talk to you, because she's been knocked out on sedatives for the past day and a half, so she can't really talk to anyone, especially a reporter, so you should probably go. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - CYRUS'S OFFICE Cyrus: This was our guy. You chose this guy. He was your pick. You loved this guy. The President loves this guy. He's Clarence Darrow for the 21st century. When he's not writing opinions for the tenth circuit, he herds cattle on his ranch in Wyoming. He's flawless. You know how I know? We vetted him, and we found nothing. The man is a saint, which is why the President stood in front of the press and nominated him to the highest court in the land. Olivia: Which I could have stopped, if you hadn't cut off my access. Cyrus: You know why I cut off your access. Olivia: He's on the list, Cyrus. Cyrus: How did you miss this? Billy: I didn't. She's wrong. Keating's a boy scout. Olivia: Oh, come on. You and the V.P. should be thrilled. Keating's always been too far left for the Republican base. Billy: Personally, yeah, he wouldn't be my choice, but I'm a team player, Liv, and so is the V.P. The manager asks you to put a guy in, you put him in. Olivia: You can't put Keating in. 23 years ago Patrick Keating slept with a high-end hooker. Billy: Maybe we'll be fine. Olivia: More than once! Billy: Maybe we'll be fine. Confirmation hearings are in two weeks, four tops. Maybe this won't come out. Olivia: It's a dirty little secret, and dirty little secrets always come out, don't they, Cyrus? Cyrus: Billy, give us a minute. Olivia: No. No, no. No need. I'm going, but you need to get yourself a backup nominee. Billy: Since when are you two on opposite sides? Liv's one of us. Cyrus: Fix the Keating thing. Now. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY Staffer: Ms. Pope, the president would like a moment with you. Olivia: Please tell the president I'm busy. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Hey, I don't understand half of this. Is this some kind of code? What does "hardwood floors" mean? Stephen? Stephen: Why would you think that I would know? Abby: Because you frequent whores. Stephen: I do not frequent. Fine. You want to know what it means? It means there's no carpeting. Abby: Oh. Harrison: To match the, uh, drapes. Abby: Oh. And, uh, what about, uh, "sunny day"? Stephen: On a sunny day, you don't have to wear a raincoat. Abby: And all of the languages these girls speak, those are all things? Stephen: Yes, those are all things. Abby: So all of these girls are not actually fluent in Greek? Olivia: Where are we? Huck: Almost done with the list of names. Olivia: Any word from the U.S. attorney? Stephen: Nothing. Maybe he couldn't get a warrant. Police: Police! Open up! Olivia: He got a warrant. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/HOSPITAL David: Where's my madam? Olivia: Come on, David. You're after Sharon Marquette for the publicity and for getting your name in the paper and for upping your shot at Attorney General the next time there's a democrat in office. David: I'm after Sharon Marquette because she's a criminal. Are you seriously the patron Saint of streetwalkers now? Bring her out, or I'll go in to get her. Huck: Do not touch her. Olivia: Harrison! Go downstairs and make sure we don't have any press waiting to give David a photo op. Harrison: On it. David: The madam, Olivia. Now. Olivia: Abby, get Sharon and Stephen. Olivia: What? Did you get a name? Quinn: Gideon. His name was gideon Wallace, and he writes for the "Sun". Olivia: Hold on. Don't say anything to anyone. Olivia: I want a private holding cell, no gen pop, and recently cleaned. Handcuffs? Because the nice grandma is so dangerous. Olivia: Quinn, you do not leave her side. You do not eat. You do not sleep. She doesn't leave your sight. Do you understand? Quinn: Yes. Yes, I understand. She doesn't leave my sight. She doesn't leave my sight. She doesn't leave my sight. She doesn't leave my...sight. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: We'll get you out in no time. Sharon: Thank you, dear. Harrison: No press, but Patrick Keating and his wife are in the lobby with Billy Chambers. They're on their way up. Olivia? Olivia: I'm thinking. Harrison, put Patrick Keating in an office far away from the board. Stephen, get Sharon out of jail. Huck, find out who the hell gideon Wallace is. Abby, you're with me. All cylinders, people! Let's go! Olivia: No. No. Absolutely no. I gave Cyrus the heads-up because I was doing you a favor, but I don't work at the White House anymore, and Keating is not my client. You have a problem, you fix it yourself. Billy: Liv, it's me. Help me out here. This is an F.O.F. favor, by the way. Olivia: Don't you friend-of-Fitz favor me. Billy: I am telling you, Keating is the real deal, and you're just gonna let him go down? Come on. You're the big guns. Fix it. How about a friend-of-Billy favor? Patrick: Uh, Billy here tells me, uh, there's some problem with my nomination, and you're the only one who's qualified to tell me about it. Abby: Mrs. Keating, perhaps you'd like to come with me and get a cup of coffee. Patrick: She's my wife. Anything you have to say to me, you can say to her. I don't have secrets. Olivia: Your honor, your name was discovered on a list of our client's customers, dating back to the early 1990s. According to her records, you visited a prostitute named Stacey a number of times in late 1991 and early 1992. Patrick: Is this because I'm not one of your hyper-religious whack jobs who want to overlook the constitution in favor of whatever version of the Bible is selling the most brimstone this week? Mrs. Keating: Patrick, don't get worked up. Billy: Sir, I know this is a stressful process, but we are all united in trying to get you confirmed, sir. The entire administration. You have my word on that. Patrick: If my name's on a list somewhere, I want to see it. Olivia: My client's privacy is nonnegotiable. I assure you, the list is real, judge, and your name is on it. Patrick: Well, this is just this is a bold-faced lie. That's what it is. Do you know what I've done to get here, what I've had to give up? My entire career my entire life has been about sitting on that bench, about the law, about following the law. I would never in... Olivia: Judge, that may be true, but we need to go into crisis mode now. My advice to you is that you pull your name from consideration, blame it on a medical ailment or a personal family matter, state how grateful you are to have been chosen but that you have to withdraw. Perhaps we could sit you down with Diane Sawyer. Patrick: No, I did not do this, and I will not lie, and I will not withdraw my name. The President called me to serve, and I will not turn my back on my duty to my country. Mrs. Keating: He didn't do this. I know he didn't. Losing the nomination it'll kill him. Please don't let that happen. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: What does your gut say? Olivia: That he's not a hooker guy or a liar. If he says he's never heard of Stacey, I believe him. Harrison: That calls the whole list into question. Huck: It makes sense. Sharon's a smart lady. She's been doing this a long time. At the end of the day, that list is all she's got. Harrison: You think she got a little creative with the data entry? Huck: Would you blame her? Olivia: I wouldn't, but I'm not willing to throw away a man's entire career over a little embellishment. Track down Stacey. Find out if Keating was really one of the Johns. [SCENE_BREAK] POLICE STATION Sharon: Well, it's not the nicest place I've ever spent the afternoon, but it's an occupational hazard, I guess. Stephen: Well, I can get you out of here, and I can make sure you never have to come back here again, but you need to let me give them your client list. Sharon: No. Stephen: The U.S. attorney is gonna get his hands on it eventually, and it is the only leverage you have. Sharon: Well, maybe, but I didn't stay out of trouble for 30 years by kissing and telling, Stevie. Nobody knows that better than you. Stephen: Your clients are all grown men. I'm a grown man. I made a choice to do something illegal, and sometimes we have to live with the choices we make. Sharon: I was the only single mother in my daughter's preschool class, and when she was 17 and found out what I did, what I really did for a living, she didn't talk to me for ten years. Six months ago, she calls me up and tells me I can finally meet my grandchildren, so I know a lot about living with my choices, Stevie. Believe me. Stephen: Do you want your grandchildren to meet you in jail? Sharon: No, but the thing is, most of the men on that list, they have grandchildren, too. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: You blocked Liv from the White House. Cyrus: I did, for your own protection. Fitz: I have the secret service, the national guard, and some very scary marine sentries to protect me. I think Liv can walk through the White House without posing a danger. Cyrus: I don't think Olivia is the danger. I think the person you need protection from is you. This went up on the "D.C. Sun's" blog today. I need to know what's going on here the details, all the details. We're not going down because you failed to keep your fly zipped. Fitz: You work for me, not the other way around. Cyrus: You work for the people, Mr. President. I am the people. You work for me. Fitz: It's two sentences about a disturbed girl. Cyrus: Watergate was two sentences about a burglary. Mellie: Hi, Cy. Cyrus: Mellie. Mellie: Honey, are you ready for the chancellor and his wife? Because I think they are ready for us. Fitz: Can't keep the chancellor waiting. Cyrus: You can't. Fitz: You look fantastic. Mellie: Oh, well, thank you, kind sir. Fitz: Mrs. Hanley, where are my remarks? I'm supposed to say something in German. Mellie: Billy Chambers told me we've hit a snag in the Keating nomination. Is it serious? Cyrus: We don't know yet. Could be. Mellie: Well, you know what I always say if it's serious, get Olivia on it. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: You're sure we're looking for a Stacey? 'Cause I don't think my favorite girl down at Camelot's given name is Sinnamon, if you get my drift. Abby: Sharon had some check stubs. Not everyone who worked for her was using a pseudonym. Maybe someone kept in touch with Stacey, knows her real name. Huck: You look like you're gonna throw up. Don't throw up in my office. Quinn: I was doing a thing for Olivia, and I screwed it up. Huck: You screw up, you fix it. You're a fixer. That's the job. Quinn: I lost a person. I need you to help me track them or hunt them or whatever it is you do to find out where someone is, like, right now at this instant. Huck: You try their house? Try their house. Olivia: What are you doing here? Quinn: I wasn't my fault. I went out to call you, and when I came back, she disappeared, but it's okay, because I'm going to her house right now, and I'm not letting her out of my sight once I get there. Olivia: Once we get there, so I can fix this. Stephen: Uh, Sharon won't give up the list. Olivia: Good. Stephen: We have a client in jail. She won't do the one thing that can get her out of jail. How is that possibly good? Olivia: If that list gets out, Keating's ruined. Stephen: Keating's not our client. Neither is the White House, by the way. It's not your responsibility if they look bad anymore, Liv. Olivia: I don't want to see a man's reputation destroyed over something that is not true. Stephen: Well, neither do I, but we've already picked sides in this, and our side is sitting in a D.C. jail. David: Good. I won't have to walk far. Olivia Pope, you've been served. That's a subpoena for Sharon Marquette's client list. You have two hours to produce it, so I'll see you in court. Going down? [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE - PARK Harrison: It's your turn. Abby: Please, no. Harrison: I did the last one. Who would've thought ex-hookers don't like talking about hooking? Abby: You would never pay for sx, would you? Have you? Harrison: Look, everyone pays for sx, at least until they're in a relationship. That's how it works. I buy you dinner. I buy you drinks. That's not out of the goodness of my heart. Abby: Why do men do it? Harrison: Honestly, to never have to have a conversation like the one we're having right now. Abby: It's your turn. Inez: I said share. You have had enough, mister. Abby: Inez Parks? Did you ever work for Sharon Marquette back in 1991? We're not looking for you. We're looking for a woman named Stacey. You both worked for Sharon at the same time. Inez: Take your brothers. Go and play with Jane and Andy, okay? Go ahead. Mommy will be there in just a minute. Inez: What do you want to know? [SCENE_BREAK] AMANDA TANNER'S APARTMENT Olivia: I'll do the talking. You just stand there. Don't do anything. Quinn: I could do my job really well if you'd just tell me what's going on. Amanda: Do you know what you did to me the other day? Do you? You made me want to die. Literally, actually die. I sliced myself open, and now you're standing here on my doorstep, which I can only assume is because you know I was telling the truth about the President. That's why you're here. It's the only reason why you could be. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: Say it. Olivia: You don't. Amanda: Say it. Olivia: You were telling the truth about the president. Amanda: Thank you. Now get the hell away from me and leave me alone. Olivia: You want to be left alone? A blogger posted a story about you today just a couple sentences, nothing major, but someone out there is going to follow up and want you to answer some questions. Do you know what you're going to say, exactly what you're going to say, to every question, every time someone calls? Because if you don't, there's gonna be more questions from more reporters. You're going to say or do the wrong thing. You'll get flustered. You'll get upset, and you'll say something that will bring out the dogs, and what started out as two sentences on a blog nobody reads is going to turn into a full-blown tabloid scandal, and the tabloids are gonna feel like a walk in the park once the networks pick up the story, and they will, because this story has a scent. It smells like papers sold. It smells like ratings. Your face is going to be on the front page of every newspaper in the entire world, and there will be no leaving you alone then. You will never, ever be alone again. I made you want to die, and I'm sorry about that. I am not proud of that. I'm not, but now I would like to help you. I can help you, if you let me. Amanda: Just leave me alone. Olivia: Write your cell phone number on here, and slide it under her door. In a few hours, she's going to call you, and you are gonna have to convince her to let us represent her. Quinn: Wait. How do you know she's gonna call? Olivia: Because I'm very good at my job. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: You find our Stacey? Harrison: Nope, but we found somebody that knew her. Said back in '91, she planned on moving out west with her boyfriend Montana, Wyoming, one of the flyovers. Stephen: I'm off to court. Um, you think that Zuckerman will buy this is a fishing expedition? Abby: As a basis for quashing the subpoena? Olivia: She might. Zuckerman's old-school. It's the best we've got. We need to keep that list from going public. Take Harrison. He's charming. Harrison: Mm. Hm. Abby: Ohh. I know I shouldn't care. Olivia: You should not care. Abby: You're fine with the fact that he sleeps with prostitutes? Olivia: Everybody has secrets, Abby. Most of them aren't pretty. In our line of work, I don't judge. Neither should you. Abby: But why does a man like that, an attractive man, a man with nice clothes and a good job and wavy hair and a fiancee who loves him, why does a man like that... Olivia: His name is Stephen. Abby: Why does Stephen buy sx from whores? I know. I shouldn't care. Why do I care? I'm not his wife. Abby: No, you're n ... Abby: Liv? [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - ENTRANCE Olivia: One dozen red velvet cupcakes extra frosting, like you like 'em. Morris: Of course you know cupcakes would never work, Ms. Pope. I have a gun. I could shoot you, but I did get a call from Ms. Hanley. Olivia: The president's secretary? Morris: Apparently the President wants you back on the list. Olivia: Thank you. Morris: 'Course I don't know what kind of cupcakes you gave him. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Olivia: Stacey? You didn't even flinch when you found out your husband had slept with a prostitute because it was you. You put Patrick through law school, and you moved to Wyoming, and his dream became your dream, and you dedicated your life to making it real. You're Stacey. You're the reason he's on the list. Mrs. Keating: It was my first night, and I was so, so scared. I was sitting at the bar waiting for my date, and he was late, and I was afraid that he wasn't coming. All the girls had told me that there were no excuses with Sharon Marquette, that you came back your first night out with your money, or you were done, and she was the best. Her girls were classy. Call girls, you know? Not whores. So I sat at the bar, and I waited, and I waited, and then Patrick came up to me. He could see that I'd been stood up and that I was pretty upset about it, and so he sat down, and he made me laugh. I had never hit it off with somebody like that right off the bat before. He didn't know, and I wasn't going to tell him. I liked him so I started seeing him. I-I told Sharon that he was a client, but I paid for all of our dates myself. You know- We didn't even have s*x until our wedding night. Olivia: And you never told him the truth. Mrs. Keating: Patrick would never understand. I mean, we needed the money, and ... and he- he spent every night at the law school library studying, so I told him that I got a second job Working the night shift. That's what I told myself I was doing. I was "working the night shift". It's how we paid for Georgetown. It's how he got where he is today. I love that man. I just. I can't tell him that that his whole life was built on a lie. Olivia: You have a good life with a man who makes you happy, and no one lie can negate all that, but you have to tell him. Because if he finds out from someone who isn't you, it's going to break his heart. [SCENE_BREAK] COURTHOUSE Stephen: This subpoena is a fishing expedition, your honor, plain and simple. It's an attempt to drag the hundreds of legal escort clients Sharon Marquette has serviced into the mud. David: Name one single prostitution case where claiming "fishing expedition" has actually worked. Just one. I'll wait. Harrison: Uh, Williams vs. Pennsylvania, or maybe Davis vs. Florida is more your style. That was back in, uh, 1998. I can keep going, your honor. Judge: Counsel, approach the bench, please. Are you aware you are all grown men, and that as such, it should be at least somewhat beneath you to waste my time on what seems to be no more than a pissing match? Harrison: We are, your honor. Judge: Well, thank God for the little things. Mr. Finch and Mr. Wright, hand over that client list by noon tomorrow, and, Mr. Rosen, that woman's bail is coming do to something that wouldn't make Donald Trump feel extravagant, and let's all get back to making the world a better place. Thank you, gentlemen. Harrison: What do we do now? Stephen: We gotta get Sharon the best defense attorney we can find. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Mrs. Keating: I didn't say that. Patrick: You did just now. You did! Fitz: He's the perfect jurist methodical, analytical, nonpartisan. He lives by the letter of the law. You chose well But then you always do. Olivia: He would have been a great supreme court justice. I couldn't stop it. It's coming out. Fitz: I'll have to find another nominee. Any suggestions? Olivia: I don't work for you anymore. Fitz: You think they'll get past this? Olivia: I don't know how they can. Fitz: I think that those two people want to be together. I think that love, at the end of the day, is stronger than some mistake somebody made. Something they did that they regret. I think that love allows for forgiveness. Olivia: I have to go. Fitz: Liv. Olivia: It's done. Everybody loses. Let it go. Fitz: Liv, please. Olivia: What do you imagine that there is left to say? Fitz: Everything. Olivia: Or nothing. Patrick: It's not an act of love. Mrs. Keating: Please try to understand. Patrick: I understand. I understand that you're a liar, and that you have cost us everything that mattered in this damn world. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: I'm gonna head down to the U.S. attorney's office with the list. Hey. Sometimes one gets away from us. Think of it this way the list gets out, potential clients, every one of these guys. Olivia: Yeah. There's a lot of power up on this wall. Olivia: Harrison! [SCENE_BREAK] VARIOUS LOCATIONS AROUND D.C. Harrison: Sunny day. Harrison: Hardwood floors. Harrison: Ahem. Trip to the islands? Harrison: Do you speak Greek? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I realize you may not be united ideologically, but thankfully screwing around seems to be a bipartisan effort, and you all have one thing in common the services of my client, Sharon Marquette, and while the two of us don't care how you spend your free time, your constituents might. I think we can all be in agreement that this small business owner should not be unduly harassed by the law. Am I right? Charlie: Lady, I have no idea what you think you're talking about, but I have a dinner to get to, so if you'll excuse me. Sharon: Oh, Charlie. She's talking about how you like to go around the world, dear twice in one night, if you take your pills. Olivia: Glad to see we're all in agreement. And I'm gonna need just one more thing. [SCENE_BREAK] WASHINGTON D.C. BAR TV: My reversal on Judge Keating is a simple matter of reviewing the facts and my personal feeling that he's the best man for the job. David: Just tell me who was on the list. Olivia: You know I can't do that. David: I mean, I can guess who was on it, given the long list of calls my boss got right before he ordered me to drop the case. Olivia: David, you got what you wanted. Everybody wins. She's out of the business, liquidating her assets, buying a place in Florida with extra bedrooms for the grandkids. The stain on the district's moral landscape is gone. David: Right. Olivia: Unless you're not actually a white hat and what you were after was the high-profile fame-and-fortune thing all along. David: You realize, don't you, that this is why we can never be friends? [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: And, lo, the day was saved by Olivia Pope, as usual. You know, there are 13 arrows in the eagle's left claw to represent the 13 states. Actually it's 13 everything. 13 clouds. 13 leaves on the olive branch. Olivia helped us. She's not against us. Cyrus: Mm. Fitz: Really, you're not talking to me now? The leader of the free world is standing on the presidential seal in the oval office, slightly inebriated. I think that would warrant a lecture, at least some words from his majesty Cyrus Beene, king of me. Cyrus: What do you want me to say? You won't tell me anything. I'm obviously not someone you trust, so you just stand there alone on your presidential seal. Have a party. Fitz: I know I don't get to do what other men do. Above reproach, my whole life. I'm not John Edwards. I get it. Wear the crown. And that's fine. There's a price. But Liv. Is the love of my life. And she won't even talk to me. Okay? We do not talk about this tomorrow. You hate scotch. Cyrus: I do But I don't tonight, not with you, and we won't talk about it tomorrow. Fitz: You're on my side. Cyrus: I'm on your side, Mr. President. Fitz: You think Reagan did this? Hell, Roosevelt? You know Nixon and Clinton did, but Carter or Truman? [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL Amanda: I'm sorry I called you so late. I don't know. I just got scared, like maybe somebody was watching my place. I know that sounds crazy. Quinn: No, that's okay. Amanda: A reporter called my parents, asked them why I wanted to kill myself. They were having dinner. It's already happening, isn't it? Quinn: I was in trouble once. A lot of people wanted to...I was in trouble. I was alone, and it was awful, but if I had had someone, someone who knew what I should say and what I should do, I would have given anything to have that person by my side, and Olivia Pope she wears the white hat. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Amanda: I'm here, okay, but we do this on my terms. Olivia: You'll be glad you came. I promise. Gideon: Hello? Gideon: Hello. Quinn: What are you doing here? Olivia: Quinn, who's this? Quinn: The reporter from the hospital. Gideon. Quinn: What are you doing here? I need a quote for my story. Olivia: Your story. You don't have a story. You don't have anything, so go home. Gideon: No. Olivia: Excuse me? She tried to kill herself the day after she quit working for the President, and she lied about who she works for, and now they're both here in this office with you, and I might just be a Metro reporter for a dying newspaper, but you're Olivia Pope, so, no. No, I didn't have a story, but now, now I do.	Plan: A: Pope & Associates'; Q: Whose new client is Sharon Marquette? A: Sharon Marquette; Q: Who is the biggest madam in D.C.? A: jail; Q: What is Sharon Marquette about to go to for the rest of her life? A: David; Q: Who shows up at OPA to arrest Sharon Marquette? A: the feds; Q: Who does Sharon refuse to give up her client list to? A: Olivia; Q: Who finds out that Patrick Keating's wife is actually the call girl Stacy? A: one room; Q: Where do Olivia's clients go to get Sharon out of jail? A: their political power; Q: What does Olivia get her clients to use to get Sharon out of jail? A: Cyrus; Q: Who took away Olivia's access to the White House? A: Quinn; Q: Who is Olivia trying to get to look after Amanda? A: the hospital; Q: Where did Amanda walk away from? A: Abby; Q: Who is jealous of Stephen? A: Stephen; Q: Who is on the list of people that slept with one of the madam's call-girls? A: a reporter; Q: What is Gideon's profession? A: a story; Q: What is Gideon looking to make out of Amanda trying to kill herself? A: Fitzs; Q: Whose candidate for the Supreme Court is Patrick Keating? A: Fitz; Q: Who gives Olivia access to the White House? A: years ago; Q: When did Patrick Keating's wife sleep with him? A: the call girl Stacy-; Q: Who is Patrick Keating's wife? A: the truth; Q: What does Olivia convince Stacy to tell Patrick Keating? A: help; Q: What does Amanda want from Olivia? A: the madame; Q: Who is put out of business and her clients are never revealed to the public if they endorse President Grant's candidate? A: the public; Q: Who is not allowed to know who the clients of Sharon Marquette are? A: Olivia's orders; Q: Who ordered that the madame's clients not be revealed to the public? Summary: Pope & Associates' new client is one of the biggest madams in all of D.C., Sharon Marquette, who is about to go to jail for the rest of her life since one of her girls got caught and ratted her out. David shows up at OPA to arrest Sharon Marquette who refuses to give up her client list to the feds. Olivia gets all of her clients into one room and gets them to use their political power to get Sharon out of jail. Olivia finds that Cyrus took away her access to the White House. Olivia sets Quinn up to look after Amanda, only to find that she walked away from the hospital; Abby finds herself jealous when she sees that Stephen was on the list of people that slept with one of the madam's call-girls. Olivia goes to Amanda only to find that Amanda doesn't want anything to do with her; Quinn meets a reporter named Gideon ( Brendan Hines ) and finds that he is looking to make a story out of Amanda trying to kill herself. One of the names on the 'client list' is Fitzs' candidate to be on the Supreme Court, Patrick Keating, but when they question him they find that he doesn't know anything about it; Olivia finds that his wife that he slept with years ago is actually the call girl Stacy- linking him to the list of Sharon's clients, convinces her to tell him the truth. Fitz and Olivia watch Patrick and his wife argue, and Fitz tries to make amends with Olivia. Fitz gives back Olivia's access to the White House, while Amanda comes to Olivia saying that she wants help. Gideon finds that he has a story; As the madame is put out of business and her clients are never revealed to the public if they endorse President Grant's candidate, per Olivia's orders. [3]
Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh. Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it? Sheldon: Like what? Howard: I don't know. Kryptonian mustard. Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded. Raj: Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth. Leonard: Raj, please, let's stay serious here. Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian. Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains? Sheldon: Superman doesn't sweat on Earth. Howard: Okay, he's invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, "who's up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?" Superman says "sure," works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration. Raj: Booya. Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle. Raj: "Kandorian dry cl..." I give up, you can't have a rational argument with this man. Howard: Hey, isn't that the guy who won the MacArthur genius grant last year? No, not all at once. Raj: Then how? Howard: Leonard. Now, Raj. Now, Sheldon. Raj: I didn't get a good look. Can I go again? Howard: No. Leonard: It's David Underhill. So what? Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter. Leonard: I have two words for you. The first is big, the other's whoop. Sheldon: It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you've done since you've been here completely useless. Leonard: Did not. Howard: Did, too. Leonard: Did... okay, maybe some of it, but, look, the guy was just in the right place, at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting reinterpretation of the universe. He got lucky. Raj: In more ways than one. He's a very handsome man. Howard: Doesn't do anything for me. If I was gonna go that way, I'm more of a Zac Ephron kinda guy. Raj: Oh, yeah, like you have a shot with Zac Ephron. David (approaching): Excuse me, Are you Leonard Hofstadter? Leonard: Uh, yeah. David: I'm David Underhill. Leonard: Uh, y-yeah. David: Yeah, Dr. Gablehauser said if I wanted to set something up in the photomultiplier lab, that you'd be able to give me a hand? Leonard: You want to work with me? David: Well, if you have a little time, yeah. Leonard: Wow, y-yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem. Uh, Here's my home number, here's my cell, here's my office, here's my parents' number up in New Jersey, they always know how to reach me. So... David: Okay. Leonard: Congratulations on the MacArthur Grant, by the way. Big fan. David: Thanks. I'll call you. Leonard: Okay. Bye-bye! What are you looking at?You've never seen a hypocrite before? Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Wii bowling. Raj: Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career-best 68. Leonard (entering): Hey, guys! Howard: That doesn't count. Do over! Do over! Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling. Howard: There are always do-overs when my people play sports. Sheldon: Where were you that's more important than Wii bowling night? Leonard: Actually, I was... Sheldon: It's a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night. Leonard: Come on, it's just a video game. And we suck at it. Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from the team captain. Howard: Where were you? Leonard: I was working with Dave Underhill. Howard: Ooh, "Dave." Sounds like Leonard's got a new BFF. Leonard: Actually, he's pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he's a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band. Howard: So? We're in a rock band. Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box. Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist. Leonard: He's funny, too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone s*x. What are you wearing? That's not, he does it better. Anyway, he said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow, so I'm gonna go practice my situps. Raj: Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude. Howard: Yep. It's officially a bro-mance. Penny (entering): Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree? Sheldon: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia. Penny: Saturnalia? Howard: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special. Sheldon: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree. Howard: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about. Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree. Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present? Penny: Uh-huh. Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing? Penny: I don't know. 'Cause it's Christmas? Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation. Howard: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights. Penny: Now, honey, it's okay.You don't have to get me anything in return. Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present. Sheldon: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps. Howard (to Raj who is whispering in his ear): I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us. Penny: Sheldon, I am very, very sorry. Sheldon: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I'm going to need a ride to the mall. Howard: It's happening to us. Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: Ow! Ow! David: Are you gonna make it? Leonard: Yeah, I guess. David: All right. Leonard: Thanks for letting me try out your motorcycle. David: No problem. Leonard: I had no idea it was so heavy. The thing just fell right over on me, didn't it? David: Yeah. Lucky for you it wasn't moving. Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard. Ooh, are you okay? Leonard: Oh, yeah. It's just a little motorcycle accident. Penny: My God, how fast were you going? Leonard: I don't know. It's all such a blur. David: Ha ha ha. Good one. He couldn't even get it started. Hi. Dave. Penny: Hi. Penny. So it's your motorcycle? David: Uh-huh. Penny: Oh, is it okay? David: It's fine. Leonard: Yeah, lucky for the bike it landed on my leg. David: You mind giving me a hand with speed racer here? Penny: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. So, um, Dave, how do you know Leonard? David: I'm a physicist. Penny: Ha-ha. No, you're not. David: Why is that so surprising? Penny: Uh, well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale. Leonard: I'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sun block because I don't take melanoma lightly. Penny: So, are you and Leonard working on an experiment together? David: Yeah, actually we are. Leonard: Yeah, we're examining the radiation levels of photomultiplier tubes for a new dark matter detector. Penny: Uh, sweetie, sweetie, Dave was talking. You know, I love science. Leonard: Since when? Penny: Since always. Call me a geek, but I am just nuts for the whole subatomic particle thing. David: The last thing I would ever call you is a geek. Penny: Ha. Well, that's what I am, queen of the nerds. David: Well, if you like, I could show you the lab we're working in. We've got some cool toys, you know, lasers and stuff. Penny: You know, I have always wanted to see a big science lab. Leonard: Since when? Penny: Since always. David: Leonard, are you okay here? Leonard: Uh, yeah. I guess. David: How 'bout we go see it now? Maybe afterwards we take the bike up the coast, we grab a little bite to eat... Penny: Um,yeah, yeah, that sounds great, let me just get my jacket. David: Boy, she'll do, huh? Leonard: Yeah, if you like that type. David: So, you and her? Leonard: No, just neighbours. David: Really. I don't know how you live next door to that without doing something about it. Leonard: Actually, science is my lady. Penny: Okay. Let's go. David: All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard. Leonard: See ya. 'Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.) Sheldon: Yes? (Leonard falls through) Did you forget your key? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: A gift shop. Sheldon: I don't see anything in here a woman would want. Howard: You're kidding. You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps, that's the estrogen hat trick. Leonard: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan. Raj: Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear. Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying. Howard: Come on, bath stuff, it's perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation. Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense. Raj: She knows you. She's tense. We all are. Buy a basket! Howard: Excuse me, we're ready. Sheldon: No, we're not. Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size? Howard: This one. Let's go. Sheldon: You put no thought into that. Howard: I'm sorry. Uh, this one. Let's go! Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss? Assistant: Yes? Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us. Assistant: Excuse me? Sheldon: Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother? Assistant: I don't understand what you're talking about and you're making me a little uncomfortable. Howard: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it. Scene: The university cafeteria. David: Hey, Leonard. Come, join us. Leonard: Oh, hey, Dave. And Penny, what a surprise. Penny: Hey, Leonard. Dave was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable! Leonard: Yeah, I know. I've been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga. Penny: I never said that. Leonard: Maybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like yoga. David: This is an amazing woman, Leonard. She has a curious and agile mind, not to mention being curious and agile in other respects. Penny: Oh, shut up! Leonard: Yes, please shut up. So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself. David: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny. Penny: Really? We're going to do an experiment? David: Uh-huh. We're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman. Penny: It's not an experiment! You saw what happened last night. David: You ready to go? Penny: Yeah. Oh, can I drive the motorcycle? David: Yeah, why not? You can't do any worse than Leonard. Leonard: That's funny. By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I've solved my Penny gift dilemma. Leonard: Yippee. Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Then I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I'll return the others for a full refund. Leonard: Brilliant. Sheldon: It is, isn't it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated. Leonard: Do whatever you want. Sheldon: Thank you, that's very gracious. Gentlemen. Howard: Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend? Leonard: My leg is killing me. Thanks for asking. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: Okay, I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you! Well, news flash, lady, David Underhill is ten times smarter than me! You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers! Next to him, I'm like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes! So, my question is, what's up with that? Penny: Why are you yelling at me? Leonard: Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Never mind, we're cool. Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot. Leonard: Really? Why would you say that? Penny: Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend. Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you? Penny: That's what you took from that? The guy is married! Leonard: Oh, yeah. I'm so... oh, that's terrible. Penny: And you, if you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous? Leonard: Well, uh, the important thing is he's married and that's terrible! Penny: Nice save, genius. Eggnog? Leonard: Lactose. Penny: It's just rum. It stopped being eggnog like half an hour ago. Leonard: Smooth. Penny: Smoother than you. Leonard: Come on, it's Christmas, just give me this one. Penny: Okay, Merry Christmas. Leonard: By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking. Scene: The apartment. Leonard opens the door to Penny. Penny: Merry Christmas. Leonard: Merry Christmas. Penny: How's your leg? Leonard: Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in. Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer. Penny: Okay, here. Sheldon: I should note I'm having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. Oh, a napkin. Penny: Turn it over. Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy. Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty. He wiped his mouth with it. Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?! Penny: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it. Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy! Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon. Sheldon: Be right back. Penny: Here. Open it. Leonard: Oh, a gift certificate for motorcycle lessons. Very thoughtful. Penny: Yeah, and I checked. Not letting the bike fall on you while standing still is lesson one. Leonard: Oh, then, I think you'll appreciate what I got you. Penny: Okay. 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids. Leonard: You know, 'cause you're so into science. (Sheldon appears with all the gift baskets) Penny: Sheldon! What did you do?! Sheldon: I know! It's not enough, is it? Here. Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me. Leonard: It's a Saturnalia miracle.	Plan: A: fellow experimental physicist; Q: What is Dr. David Underhill's profession? A: Dr. David Underhill; Q: Who is the visiting researcher that Leonard envies? A: his research; Q: What does Leonard offer to help David with? A: Things; Q: What comes to a halt when David meets Penny? A: Penny's apartment; Q: Where does Leonard learn of David and Penny's relationship? A: their own on-off relationship; Q: What does Leonard yell at Penny about? A: his mistake; Q: What does Leonard realize when he discovers nude photos of David's wife on his phone? A: Sheldon; Q: Who worries about the approaching Christmas holidays? A: a large selection; Q: What does Sheldon discover when he decides to buy a basket of bath items? A: the entire range; Q: What does Sheldon buy to cover all contingencies? A: a napkin; Q: What did Penny give to Sheldon? A: Nimoy's DNA; Q: What does Sheldon have that he can use to grow his own Leonard Nimoy? A: also a rare "Sheldon" hug; Q: What does Sheldon give Penny? Summary: Leonard meets visiting researcher and fellow experimental physicist Dr. David Underhill. Though Leonard envies David for being handsome and a more successful physicist than himself, he jumps at David's offer to help him in his research. Things come to a halt when David meets Penny and the two start dating - though they quickly break up when Penny discovers nude photos of his wife on his phone. Leonard only learns this when he comes to Penny's apartment to yell at her about their own on-off relationship. When he realises his mistake, he and Penny cuddle each other to comfort each other. Meanwhile, Sheldon worries about the approaching Christmas holidays and his indecision about what to buy for Penny, as he needs it to match the value of her gift to him. After deciding on a basket of bath items he discovers a large selection, so not knowing what Penny will get him, he buys the entire range to cover all contingencies. Penny's gift to Sheldon is a napkin both autographed and used by Leonard Nimoy. Sheldon, overwhelmed since he now possesses Nimoy's DNA and can grow his own Leonard Nimoy, gives Penny all the gift baskets and also a rare "Sheldon" hug.
Jim: I'm taking some time off from work-well, my other work-because we needed it. Pam: It's great. Jim: It's great. Pam: The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts. Jim: But that doesn't matter. This does. It's the only thing that matters. We've had some really nice days together. Pam: Nice morning, too. Jim: Beesly! Oh, my god. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent's putting me up for a furniture commercial. Jim: Ah, definitely blue. Andy: Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what's up? Back in the small pond? Jim: For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin- Andy: Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on. Jim: Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can't give 100% to two things at once you know. Andy: Tell me about it, you know? I've been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don't know if I'm wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup. Jim: Huh. Well, you know, you can't have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what's most important. That's my new thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [noticing Angela looking very unkempt] Is everything ok? Angela: No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats. Kevin: Wait, all of them? Angela: Two sacks' worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house. Oscar: That's-that's awful, Angela. I'm so sorry. Angela: It's the [bleep] that lives downstairs. She's this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type. Kevin: I've never met anyone like that. Angela: And they're gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone. Oscar: Angela, you still have your son. Angela: I guess. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. [kicking and punching] Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and- Jim: Smasher! Dwight: Smasher? No, where'd you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city's best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don't spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided. Jim: Fireball! Dwight: Ah! [throws punch] That's how it's done. Jim: That's pretty good. I feel safe. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: Hey, Erin. Is Andy in? Erin: Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said "is Indian" and was like, "Is Indian what?" Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy's calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Yes, there's Andy! Andy is in. I'm a good receptionist, I know he's in. Andy: David Walrus, in his native habitat. David Wallace: Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk? Andy: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: This isn't going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, "The kind that's good for head shots." And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it's gonna boost office morale. Now, he's a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: Andy- Andy: I'm gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream. David Wallace: Uh-huh, but- Andy: Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense. David Wallace: So you think you've been too focused on your job? Andy: At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany. David Wallace: So you-you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting? Andy: Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don't-it just... I owe it to myself and my future fans. David Wallace: Uh, well, I guess I can't stand in the way of a man's dream. And it seems like you have the gift. Andy: Thank you, David. David Wallace: There's probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I? Andy: Nope. I have made up my mind. I'm really sorry. David Wallace: Well, good luck. Andy: Thank you. Not gonna need it. David Wallace: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: Well that kind of worked out. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, Clark. I'm actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back. Clark: Right. Yeah. But, you know, I've actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I've earned this. I mean, you know? Jim: You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I'm here. Clark: Right. Well, I'm here to sell paper. Pam: Wow. Clark: All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And-and Wallace is here today. And I don't him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here? Pam: it's okay. You can sit in the annex. Jim: What? Pam: I'll come visit you. Jim: Okay. The annex it is. I'll be sitting at your desk if that's okay with you. Clark: That's fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete's beautiful, dead eyes. Andy: Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I'm taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever. Oscar: I can't say we didn't see it coming. But it's a sad day when anybody is fired. We're so sorry, Andy. David Wallace: Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired. Andy: I wasn't fired. What are you talking about? I'm fired up, yes. Guys, I'm-I'm leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous. Pam: Oh, Andy. Andy: Yeah, so, I'll see you on the red carpet. See, that's how it works. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Andy sings beautifully. And he's really good at dancing. He's a good speaker. But there's just something there you don't want to look at. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark. Pete: Yeah, a little bit. Jim: Oh, wow. But, um-Oh, I get that. Pete: Oh, no, no, no. No it's cool. Jim: I get it. Pete: It's cool, man. I'm sure you and I will have our own thing. Jim: Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don't watch baseball. I keep forgetting that. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I just think you're going into this a little fast. Andy: I'm 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go? Darryl: Show business is cold. Let's say you get a job, which you probably won't. They're not gonna cut you any slack. You're meant for a job with lots and lots of slack. Andy: All right. I get it. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel, that's chick stuff. So instead of saying, "Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave." You say something like, "Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented." Well... right back at you, Darryl. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [hugs Darryl] I'm gonna miss you too. Mmm! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Andy's from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don't know. You know who's really funny? This bird, in the park, that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to cause the park is free! [SCENE_BREAK] Sensei: I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts. Dwight: He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts! Sensei: It's not a large room, I think they heard me. Dwight: Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. [thrusts hips at Ira] Sensei: That's really ok. I'm mostly focused on the belt here. Dwight: Just slip it off my-Slip it off my hips. Sensei: Hold it-Take a step back. Take a step back. [they bow, then Dwight thrusts again] Okay, okay. I can't-I can't do this if you're gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we're gonna have to cut this off. Dwight: He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There it is. [everyone applauds] Sensei: Congratulations. Dwight: We did it, we did it. I love you. Sensei: Okay. Dwight: Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You're gonna watch me right? Sensei: Yes, I will. [Dwight starts doing karate] Dwight: Sensei, you're not watching. Sensei: Yeah, I'm watching. Just do it. Dwight: Watching? Sensei: I'm watching. Dwight: Watch this part, okay? David Wallace: Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this? Sensei: Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world. David Wallace: He said that? He's an odd guy, isn't he? Sensei: Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he's one of the most tenacious and determined men I've ever met. [Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds] Esther: Oh! I'm am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I really felt like I almost lost her, and-and nothing is worth that. David Wallace: Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn't even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam. Dwight: You did not just say that! You don't know Pam. She is really cool. Clark: All I'm saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager's chair. And I thought you wanted that job. Dwight: Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It's out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I'd be happy to see Jim as manager. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on. Jim: Again. David Wallace: Again! And I'm looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy? Jim: Not at all. It should be Dwight. David Wallace: You sure? Jim: You're gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh- David Wallace: Yeah. Jim: Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don't want to meet that person. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word. Andy: It's now or never. Nellie: Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive. Andy: Yeah, sure. What's your question? Kevin: Our question is-it seems dumb. Andy: Well, it's better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right? Nellie: Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and "full-ass" it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm? Andy: Nah. I like my plan better. Kevin: Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You're too character-y to be a lead and you're not fat enough to be a great character actor. Andy: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: No, I don't think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies? Pam: Yes. Yeah. Jim: I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens. Pam: Oh, boy. Um- Jim: If you could help me out, that would be- Pam: I could give you some beginner stickies? Jim: Anything would help. Pam: Here you go. Jim: Oh, also, while you're at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that. Pam: Mm-hmm. Jim: Wow, that's- Pam: It's all yours. Jim: You come so prepared. Aspirin. Dwight: You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that. Jim: Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It's really great. Dwight: Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager's job? Jim: No. He was maybe thinking of you for it. Dwight: Yeah, right. I'm afraid that ship has sailed. Jim: I wouldn't be too sure about that. Just saying. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hello. Andy: Well, hello. Dwight: Big day for you. Andy: Big day for you. Dwight: Thank you. Andy: Love the belt. Dwight: Oh, yes. Andy: You know, I don't know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog's outta here, so letting it all hang out! Dwight: This is exciting! You're finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings. Andy: Thank you, I appreciate that. 'Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it. Dwight: Oh, I doubt you'll make it. Very few do who've tried to be a star. But, listen, you've saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right? Andy: No, I just applied for more overdraft protection. Dwight: Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don't quit your day job. Andy: [cockney accent] Nothing is impossible to him who will try. [normal] Alexander the Great, if he were cockney. Dwight: You're bad. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I'm gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That's something you can't take back. Erin: So true. Is there a question, or are-what? Andy: Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor? Erin: Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve. Andy: Thank you. [steps into conference room] David Wallace: You can stay on as a salesman, Andy. Andy: Thank you. [leaves] David Wallace: Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Say it again. David Wallace: Will you be the new manager? Dwight: Where? David Wallace: Where? Dwight: What branch? David Wallace: Here. Scranton. [Dwight falls to his knees] Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let's go. It's good news. Dwight: I'm sorry. I've just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun. David Wallace: What? Dwight: But this isn't interim manager. No. It's Dwight K. Schrute... [pulls a business card out of his wallet] Manager. David Wallace: Why do you already have this? Dwight: In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David. David Wallace: I know. Dwight: I will never, ever let you down. David Wallace: I know, Dwight. I know. [reaches out to shake Dwight's hand, Dwight hugs him] Okay. Okay. All righty. You're gonna do great. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Wow, hey. Pam: Hi. Jim: What's up? Pam: Um, I have a question. Jim: Okay. Pam: Oh, I had a question. Jim: Really? Pam: I did! Jim: Yeah, totally you did. Pam: Super important. Jim: I need you to stay right here while you think about it. Pam: Okay. Jim: All right? I'm gonna wait. Pam: All right. I did not come back here just to see you. Jim: I'm sure you did not. What was your question? Pam: I don't know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out. Jim: Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I'm waiting. Pam: Exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I'm gonna stay on in sales. Nellie: Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet. Meredith: Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don't want to see you in a p0rn next year. Andy: Okay. Kevin: Ooh, there's a great play about a salesman. Andy: Death of a salesman. Kevin: I don't think so. Andy: Sure, 'Death of a Salesman' by Arthur Miller, it's a great play about crushed dreams. Kevin: No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants. Andy: [sits at Dwight's desk] Got any hot leads? [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward. Erin: I had no idea. And here I've been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin' sheep. Jim: Look who's back. Pam: I'm back. Oh, hey, look, and now it's like a double date. Pete: Wow. Cause, uh [gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects] Erin: Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That'd be fun. Pam: Yeah, we should do that for real sometime. Erin: Well, how about Thursday? Pam: Oh, well, Thursday's tough, because of- Jim: Weeknights are actually tough just because- Pam: They are. Jim: That's true, yeah. Erin: Just forget it. Forget I said anything. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute- Dwight: David. Can I just do one thing while you're making this announcement and then I'll never, ever do it again? David Wallace: I don't think so. Dwight: It's just one thing. Just let me-let me do this- David Wallace: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on-what I was about to say was Dwight-[phone buzzes] Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta-This'll be a second, sorry. Dwight: Just wait and send it to voicemail. David Wallace: Yeah. Dwight: Come on. Come on. David Wallace: [on phone] Then we'll get him a new set of drums. Dwight: [climbs up on desk] Dwight Schrute is manager! [everyone cheers and applauds] Andy: Brava, brava. Creed: [from atop his desk] Creed Bratton is the new manager! [nobody responds] Pam: What's going on? Kevin: Dwight's the new manager. He freaking did it. Pam: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, Dwight. Dwight: Pam. Jim: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, buddy. Dwight: Thank you, Jim. Clark: Congrats, Dwight. Dwight: Get out of Jim's seat. Clark: But I fought for this seat. Dwight: You're an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we'll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram. Pam: It's nice to have you back. Dwight: So... Jim: So. Dwight: I wanted to offer you a new position. Jim: Let's hear it. Dwight: Assistant regional manager. Jim: Nope. Can't accept that job. It's not a real job. Dwight: Jim. Jim: I'll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I'd be proud to take. Dwight: Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Don't get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So, all the numbers adding up? Oscar: Hey, I didn't get a chance to say it, but... congratulations, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you. Angela: Yes. Congratulations. Kevin: Yeah, and Dwight, I'd like to be the first to say congratulations. Angela: This is a big day for you. Dwight: Yes, it is. Carry on. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It's cause I had a fallback. That's the problem. When you have fallbacks, it's just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Everyone! Changed my mind again. Phyllis: What's it now, dream or no dream? Andy: Uh, dream. Goin' with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn't that right, Jim? Jim: Oh, don't look at me cause I think you're making a terrible choice. Andy: All in! Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all. Toby: Okay, then, Andy. Andy: Yeah, but here's the thing. I can't have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I'll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners. Toby: Andy, you know I can't do that. It'd be lying. Andy: Seriously? Toby: Yeah, I'm- Andy: Come on, just do it. Toby: I can't. Andy: All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. [starts touching Toby's thighs] Toby: [fending Andy off] Oh, come on. Andy, no. Andy: God, Toby, don't-stop blocking my hand. Toby: No, no. Andy: This is your-you brought this on. Toby: No, no. Andy. Andy: Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [answering phone] This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there's a problem it's clearly on your end. And-oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um... what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn't want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should've taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! [hangs up phone] Kevin: What do you think that was about? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I'd just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite. David Wallace: We put the past behind us, though, Andy. Andy: What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company? David Wallace: Enough, Andy. Enough! Andy: Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car? David Wallace: Oh my god. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.' [clip of him flipping off David Wallace] I think she's right. [clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out] I feel calm now. [clip of Andy taking a dump on a car] I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing the right thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Andy. Andy: Yeah. Angela: What are you doing? Andy: Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don't squash my knickety-knacks on top. Angela: Yeah, okay. That's not what I mean. You don't have to leave because you said you would. Don't let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It's not worth it. Andy: Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too- Angela: Ugh. Andy: But I just-it's in the past. And I feel like we shouldn't... Angela: No, that's not- Andy: Rehash- Angela: No, none-No, stop. It's just- Andy: Exactly. Angela: Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy. Andy: Thanks, Angela. You too. Angela: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how. Nellie: Oh, good lord. Stanley: Can't you just leave? Jim: You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye. Andy: Tuna, I'm a performer. And perform I shall. [sings 'I Will Remember You'-everyone is slightly impressed] Dwight: [whispering] You okay? Angela: [crying] It's just a really nice song. Kevin: [everyone applauding] Awesome! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He's not terrible. Stanley: Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo. Phyllis: No, he's good. Stanley: He was good. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Good night, Kevin. Kevin: Night, Oscar. Oscar: Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar. Angela: Well, I've changed my mind. Oscar: Wait a minute. You're not thinking of living in a- Angela: Oh, god, could you just mind your own business? Oscar: Okay, I'm just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent. Angela: Oh, god. Oscar: Come stay with me. Angela: You don't want me at your place. Oscar: I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won't be long. It's the least I could do. Angela: Well... Oscar: Separate bathrooms. Angela: Thank you. Oscar: You're welcome. Let's go get Phillip. Then we'll get your stuff... Angela: Okay. Oscar: And get you the hell outta that place. Angela: Are you allowed to have pets? Oscar: Oh, Angela. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: You talk to Wade and Colin? Jim: No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What's up? Darryl: We got an offer on the table. Jim: What kind of offer? Darryl: A buyout. Jim: What? Darryl: We're in play, baby. Jim: Oh, my god! Darryl: We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it's not just a Philly play, so get this: they're gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby. Jim: Wow, that is... wow. Darryl: Yeah, we did it. Jim: Yeah, we did. Hey, how long-how long do we think that's gonna take? Darryl: Wade said we could do the whole country in three months. Jim: Oh, man. Yeah, I can't do it. Darryl: Can't do what? Jim: This, man. I can't do this to Pam. Darryl: No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything. Jim: I know. And I can't do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross? Oscar: No, it's neat and tasteful, like most gay men's homes. The stereotype holds up. Angela: I wouldn't know. I never lived with a gay guy. Oscar: Angela, you just were- Angela: [starts sobbing] I love him. Oscar: I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You-you can't- Angela: No, not the senator. I love Dwight.	Plan: A: Andy; Q: Who quits his job at Dunder Mifflin to pursue a career as an actor? A: a professional actor; Q: What career does Andy decide to pursue? A: karate; Q: What does Dwight finally receive his black belt in? A: Michael Imperioli; Q: Who is Dwight's new sensei? A: the Scranton branch; Q: What branch is Dwight promoted to Regional Manager of? A: Philadelphia; Q: What city does Jim choose Pam over? Summary: Andy decides to pursue a career as a professional actor, and quits his job at Dunder Mifflin. Meanwhile, Dwight finally receives his black belt in karate from his new sensei ( Michael Imperioli ) and, on the behest of Jim, is promoted to Regional Manager of the Scranton branch. Jim, who reconnects with Pam, is promoted by Dwight to be the new Assistant to the Regional Manager and makes it clear that he will choose her over Philadelphia.
(Burke's OR, still focused on his hand) (Denny's OR, Izzie watching intently from the gallery) (Burke's OR) Derek: Come on. Come on, come on. Come on. Good. That's good. You're doing good, Dr. Burke. Ok, I need you to touch each finger of your right hand to your thumb. One. Two. You're doing great. Keep going. Three. (Burke looks up to see Cristina standing over him, she walks away.) Richard: One more. Derek: That's good. (Denny's OR) Bailey: Dr. Hahn... Erica: Wait for it. Bailey: Dr. Hahn? He... Erica: Just wait! (All of a sudden the heart starts beating) Erica: And that's how we raise the dead in Erica Land. Bailey: Good job, Denny. (Alex looks up, Izzie is gone. The camera switches to the gallery where she is sitting on the floor, crying. Burke is being wheeled out of surgery, Cristina watches him wheel by. Derek comes out of the OR and goes to sit down at a nurse's station. He looks up and sees Meredith still sitting on the floor.) (Camille's room. Adele is speaking with a woman who just entered the room. Richard is standing in the hallway nearby watching on, Addison walks up.) Addison: Hey. Camille's parents here? Richard: Yes. There aren't any options? Addison: I could do a hysterectomy and ovarectomy, and pick out the remaining ovaries. I mean, we could try chemo, maybe radiation, but the cancer's spread. To her liver, her lungs, her bowel. Even if we were aggressive... Richard: No. Addison: I hate this. I never get used to telling someone their kid's going to drop dead before she's 18. Oh, damn it. I'm sorry. I didn't...I'm not usually this insensitive, Richard, I just...it's just been one of those days. I'm sorry. Richard: It's ok. Addison: I'm gonna go...I mean, do you want to go in? Richard: Oh, no, you go. They'd rather hear it from the treating physician. I got work to get back to. Deal with this Denny Duquette situation. Addison: Ok. (Addison enters the room. Richard stands in the hall and watches as she delivers the bad news. Adele looks up and sees Richard in the hall. Adele closes the door to the room.) (Seattle Scenes) (SGH conference room, the interns are all standing there.) Izzie: I cut the LVAD wire. Meredith: Actually, I cut the LVAD wire. George: No. I did it. I'm the one who cut the wire. (George nudges Cristina) Cristina: Fine. I cut the LVAD wire. Alex: I didn't do anything. I'm totally innocent. Meredith: Alex! Alex: I wasn't even here. He knows I wasn't here. You think he doesn't know that? The guy's not mentally challenged. George: That's not the point. What about loyalty? Cristina: We made a an agreement. (They all begin arguing) Richard: People! I know who did this. So, you might as well come clean. I know. George: With all due respect, sir, if you knew, you wouldn't be asking us. Izzie: I did what... Meredith: You have your suspicions, but you don't actually know. Cristina: Not for sure. George: And you can't do anything to any of us without proof, sir. Richard: Well, one of you compromised a patient's life. One of you stole an organ. One of you jeopardized the integrity of this hospital and of UNOS. Now, you tell me, and you tell me right now! All right, fine. No surgeries. Cristina: Sir? Richard: You heard what I said. No surgeries. No one scrubs in, no one watches from the gallery, no one so much as goes near the OR floor. Until someone confesses, the five of you will share a single patient: Camille Travis. Whatever she wants, the five of you will provide it! Whatever she wants. Now, get the hell out of my sight! George: Wow, he didn't say we were fired. Cristina: He might as well have. No surgeries? Meredith: That wasn't bad. We got off easy. Cristina: Yeah, for now. You think this is over? George: I could really use a good come right now. A nice, long coma. Cristina: You know, there's only been three careers I've ever wanted. Ruler of my own planet, Wonder Woman, or a surgeon. And I don't see any invisible planes or extra countries lying around. Izzie: I will go back and tell him. I will tell him it was me. Meredith: And get kicked out of the program? You will keep your mouth shut. We all will keep our mouths shut. Alex: This is crap. I'm turning her in. Meredith: Alex. Alex: What? You were the one who said we had to stand by Izzie. But now I get stuck catering some V.I.P. chick patient? I don't think so. Izzie: Alex, I am sorry and I really do appreciate what you did for Denny. Alex: Oh, shut up. Look, the only reason I lied to Burke is because I wanted in on that transplant surgery. I don't care about Denny and I hope you get thrown out on your ass. Cristina: Hey! We stick together. You know, we all did this. Nobody's a victim. We...we stick together. (Meredith and Izzie give Cristina strange looks) Damn it. Izzie: Thank you. Cristina: You're welcome. George: We can handle this. Camille Travis is a kid with cancer. So, we give her whatever she wants for a couple days. How hard can that be? (Bailey walks up with Claire and Natalie.) Bailey: Harder than you might think. This is Claire and Natalie. Camille Travis' friends. Claire: Her very best friends in the whole wide world. Bailey: Girls, who exactly is Camille Travis? Natalie: Like, the Chief of Surgery's niece. Bailey: And girls, what does the Chief of Surgery's niece want, exactly? Natalie: Like, a prom. Claire: No. Like, the best prom ever. (George and Alex are in the conference room with Claire and Natalie. Meredith and Cristina are standing outside in the hall.) Claire: We need a theme. George: Theme... Natalie: Ooh! Ooh! Can we have sparkly lights? Because sparkly lights are amazing! Cristina: I didn't like teenage girls when I was a teenage girl. Meredith: I wore a lot of black. Cristina: Oh! Meredith: Hmm. I had the whole angry pink hair thing going on. I wouldn't have been caught dead at a prom. Cristina: Oh, my mother made me go. My date barfed on my dress and then tried to feel me up. Mmm-hmm. Meredith: There's a lot to be said for being an adult. Cristina: Yeah. Meredith: You haven't mentioned Burke. Cristina: No. Meredith: Well, have you checked on him? Cristina: No. Meredith: Ok, I could try harder to make you open up and share and deal with the Burke thing, or I could be neurotic and selfish and talk about me and my problems. Which would be more supportive right now? Cristina: Selfish and neurotic, please. Meredith: Hmm. Finn says Doc's in pain. And Derek and I have to talk about whether we should put him to sleep or not. Which is...And Finn thinks there's something going on between me and Derek. Which there is not. There so clearly is not. And Addison having that whole meltdown? Cristina: Ugh. Meredith: I mean, dogs get sick and we're expected to put them to sleep. People get sick, we don't put them down. We don't just give up on people. There's nothing going on between me and Derek. Cristina: There is a lot to be said for being an adult. Meredith: Yeah. (Denny's room, Izzie is in the hallway, cautiously considering going in. She takes her hair down then steps into the doorway.) Izzie: Is Bailey around? Denny: No, she was in here earlier. Said she'd be back in a couple of hours. The coast is clear. Izzie: You look...God, you look amazing. They always tell you transplant patients rebound fast, but, you know, to see it in person... Denny: I have warm hands. I've never had warm hands because of my circulation. (He holds his hand out) Feel. (Izzie takes his hand) Warm hands and check it out, I have a regular heartbeat. Izzie: Yes, you do. I should, um...I got to go. I would stay, but if Bailey catches me here, she'd...And, uh, you know, the Chief has us doing this prom thing. It's so...But, yeah, I'm really happy for you. You look...Whoo-hoo, Denny. Ok. I'm going to go. Denny: What? Izzie: Huh? Denny: You like your men sick and feeble? You don't dig healthy guys? Izzie: I...I dig you. Denny: Then why are you all swirly and twitchy? Izzie: No, I'm not. Denny: Yeah, you're swirly and twitchy. (Izzie giggles) It's because I asked you to marry me. Izzie: So you remember that? Denny: It's not the kind of thing I'd forget. Izzie: Yeah. Look, Denny, um...I'm giving you an out. Denny: Excuse me? Izzie: Well, I'm giving you an out. I mean, you thought you were dying, and I was saving your life, and you know, everything was so...So I won't hold it against you, or...be hurt or offended if you wanna take your proposal back. I'm giving you an out. Denny: I don't want an out. Izzie: You should take the out. We can't get married. I mean, that would be crazy. Insane. We should date and have sx. Plenty of sx. You know? When you heart gets better, and you're out of the hospital, all the sx you can handle. But marriage is, um...Marriage. I mean... Denny: Ok. It's my turn now. Izzie: But I need to... Denny: No, no, no. We're taking turns. I've decided it's polite and it keeps me from yelling. When it's you turn again, you can talk. For five years, I've had to live by the choices of my doctors. The guys that cut me open...decided my life. There wasn't one choice that was mine. And now I have this heart that beats and works. I get to be like everybody else. I get to make my own decisions, have my own life, do whatever the damn hell I choose. Now, here's the good part, so you listen close. What I choose is you. You're who I want to make up with and go to bed with and do everything in between with. I get a choice now. I get to choose. I choose you Izzie Stevens. Ok. It's your turn again. (Izzie runs out of the room) (Richard and Bailey are standing at a nurse's station.) Richard: They're not talking. Bailey: Wagons have been circled. Richard: I need answers. Somebody's gotta take responsibility. Bailey: I can tell you what I think happened, what I assumed happened. But they're the only ones that know it. Richard: I wanna meet with each of them separately. I will break them. Bailey: Ok. (She starts to walk off) Richard: You have your dress for the prom? Bailey: Excuse me? Richard: I'm going to the prom. If I have to go, everybody has to go. Bailey: What? I'm a grown woman. Richard: (Loudly) Everybody goes to the prom! Everybody! (Conference room where Alex and George are still listening to Claire and Natalie discuss prom preparations.) Claire: Central High? Two years ago, they went with all black and they had like purple lights and... Natalie: Yeah, I remember that. And everybody looked like ghouls. Claire: Fine, we could go with all white. Because I was reading Elle Girl and they were saying... (Alex starts moaning and groaning) George: Are you having a seizure? Alex: Will that get me out of here? Fine, let's go with seizure. Because seizure beats the hell out of a 45-minute conversation about what color balloons we're gonna buy. For the love of God. You people need to get a life. George: Chief's niece. Chief's niece. Claire: It's ok. The hot ones are always mean. It's like a rule or something. Natalie: Doesn't he remind you of Nate Sims? Claire: Totally. He's totally Nate. You're Nate. Alex: No, I'm not Nate. George: Don't engage. Natalie: Nate broke up with Camille the first time she had cancer. Claire: That's the other thing about the hot ones: they're usually cowards. Natalie: Don't you dare try to judge us for trying to make our friend, who just happens to be dying of cancer, happy. The color does matter. Maybe not to you. But it does matter. (George, Meredith Cristina and Alex are talking to Bailey, who is standing at a nurse's station.) George: Not to bother you, but... Bailey: What? One of you better spit out the problem right now! Alex: The problem is the colors and the balloons and the "Under the Sea." "No, it's Titanic." "Hey, let's go with Tears in Heaven." "No, it's too morbid." "It should be pink." "It should be red." "It should be a freaking rainbow." George: What he's saying is that we're very, very hopeful that you speak teenage girl. (Back in the conference room) Bailey: Silver and white. It's mystical and magical, without being over the top. Ever see fashion week in New York? Lots of silver and white runways and backdrops. That's because no matter what color the clothes are, they pop. Natalie: They pop? Bailey: They pop? Claire: Sounds good. Natalie: Yeah. Bailey: O'Malley and Karev, get 500 balloons in silver and white and 100 in black. Shiny black, not the matte. Yang, stick with Camille, keep her happy, keep her spirits up. Make sure she has her shoes, dress and makeup on standby. Grey, get with Patricia. Make sure we can rope off the second-floor nurses' station and the waiting area. And get some catering menus. Got it? Oh, no, no. You don't get to look at me like that. No, you compromised my medical license. You nearly killed a patient, lied to the Chief of Surgery, and made me, your resident look bad. We're gonna do this prom and we're doing it right. Move! (On-call room, George, Alex and Izzie are inflating balloons.) George: Uh, there's an emergency appendectomy happening in OR 1, right now, as we speak. Izzie: Again, I'm sorry. Alex: Stop saying you're sorry when you're not. You make me sick. (Alex leaves as Callie enters) George: Nice. Callie: Hey. George: Hey. Callie: Um, can we talk? George: Yeah. (Hands Izzie a balloon) Hold it. (George is now in the hall with Callie.) George: Hey. Callie: You never called. George: What? Callie: Last night. We had plans and you went off with Izzie and you never called. You said you would. George: Yeah, a lot of stuff went down last night. Callie: Yeah, I know. I heard, everybody heard. So what exactly happened? George: I can't talk about it. Callie: Oh, come on. I'm not going to tell, George. It's me. George: Look, it's Vegas. What happened in that room stays in that room. Callie: Ok. Yeah, I get it. George: Hey. Do you want to go to prom with me? Callie: No, George. No, I don't want to go to prom with you. (Callie walks off and George goes back into the on-call room) Izzie: What was that about? George: She said she loved me. Izzie: Oh. Oh. (Meredith is in the hallway and turns a corner and runs into Finn.) Meredith: Oh! Hey. Finn: I've been calling you cell all night? Meredith: Um...oh, well, uh, it's a long story, which essentially ends with me inviting you to a prom. Finn: An actual prom? A...corsages and tuxedos? Meredith: Yeah, I know it's stupid, but... Finn: No. I'm in. I loved prom. I mean, I don't want to brag or anything, but I was crowned king. Meredith: Really? You were that kid in high school? Finn: What is wrong with being that kid? Meredith: Nothing. It's very cute, actually. Finn: Hello. Meredith: Hi. What are you doing here? Finn: Doc had some seizures last night. Pretty serious. The cancer spread to his brain. I'm sorry. (Derek is standing in front of the OR board, Addison walks up to him.) Addison: Hey. Derek: Hey. Addison: How's Preston? Derek: He's recovering nicely. Addison... Addison: I don't want to talk about it. Derek: All right. Addison: I mean we've come so far. You forgave me for Mark and we're trying. Derek: We are. Addison: We are trying. Derek: We're trying. Addison: And I was jealous when there was no need to be. Right? Derek: Addison? Addison: What? Derek: Will you go to the prom with me? (They smile at each other) (Burke's room, he is looking at his hand. It has a tremor. Cristina walks up to the window outside the room. His hand has another tremor. He looks up and sees her standing outside.) (Conference room, where the chief is "grilling" each of the interns.) Alex: I went to college on a wresting scholarship. I played baseball, some basketball, but you know we'll go with football... Richard: What the hell does football have to do with who cut the LVAD wires? Alex: Let's say you were drafter to a team that wasn't your first pick. You know, you don't like the players. You hate the way they play the game. You even think the quarterback is full of crap. Now the quarterback's a pain in the ass that you don't owe a damn thing to, but...it's your team. You don't quit. You don't talk to the press. You don't bitch to the coach. You just...you just go out there every Sunday and you make the blocks and you take the hits and you play to win. You show up and you suit up and you play. Because it's your freaking team. Richard: I know your type. You're a surgical junkie. (The camera flips back to look at the intern and Cristina is not sitting there.) Cristina: Yes, sir. Richard: I'm just saying, it's not going to be easy for you to be away from the OR that long. Cristina: No, sir. Richard: And if you want to get back to the OR, you're gonna tell me what I want to know. Aren't ya? Cristina: You're right. It's not easy for me to be away from the OR. It's not easy for me to sit in front of you, or any other authority figure for that matter and not be able to give you the exact answer you want to hear. I'm the one with the answers. I've always been the one with the answers. But right now, sir, I don't have any. Richard: Dr. Yang... Cristina: How do you keep your edge, sir? Because I watch you. And you've been doing this a long time. You're clean and your focused. You are the job. Nothing gets to you. And the thing is, sir. I was like that. Until I got here. Until I actually started doing this job and now everything is...is fuzzy. Richard: That's besides the point. Cristina: No, see, sir, this is the point. Because I can't tell you. What happened in that room...I can't tell you. And before, I could have. No guilt, no loyalties, no problem. Before...before I wouldn't have even been in that room. I wouldn't have gotten involved. I would have never frozen in surgery. And I would have told him what I thought he should do. I had an edge, sir. I had an edge and I've lost it. And I need it. I need it back. (Tears in her voice) So if you could just tell me how you keep yours and how not to be affected, I know I could be a great surgeon. So, if you could just give me the answers, I would really appreciate it. (A tear streams down her face) Richard: You're excused, Dr. Yang. Cristina: But... Richard: You're excused. Cristina: I'll tell you who cut the LVAD wires, sir, if you could just please... Richard: No, you won't. I don't want to know. Not from you. Yeah, I have the answers, but I can't tell them to you. I'm not going to be responsible for you becoming less human. (Izzie is now in the room) Izzie: I'm a pretty girl. Richard: What? Izzie: I'm not being arrogant. It's just...it's just kind of a fact. For a long time, I made a career from my looks, so I get it. I'm a pretty girl. And not in a "from-a-certain-angle" way. In an obvious way. It's the blonde thing. And the big boobs thing. Big boobs are key to "obvious" pretty, if you know what I'm saying. Richard: Dr. Stevens... Izzie: It's how men see me. I'm not a smart girl or an interesting girl. I'm a pretty girl. The blonds and the boobs, it confuse guys into thinking that I'm someone else. And I'm used to it. I'm used to them walking away when they realize...but then Denny goes and asks me to marry him. Richard: Is that why you cut the wires? Izzie: He doesn't make me feel like I'm a pretty girl. He makes me feel like...like me. I think he might know me. And so, if I did cut the LVAD wire, and I'm not saying that I did, but if I did...then no. I don't feel guilty. And I know that I should. And I would if it were anybody else. But I can't feel anything but happy. (George is now sitting there) George: Are you gonna...say anything or...? I'm not gonna break. I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It's not because I don't care. Cause I do care what you think about me. I do...care. I just can't tell you what you want to hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just cause you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to. You can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them, and not love them. And you can love someone and not want to be with them. You don't need to...love someone...to want them. But it's frustrating. You know, when you brain tells you what you want and what you actually want don't match up, it's exhausting. And...well, it's complicated. But that's life. And life...sucks. (Meredith is now sitting there) Richard: I've known you for a long time. I know your mother and father. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you did not cut those LVAD wires. Meredith, I need you to tell me who did it. Meredith: I've been going over this and over this in my mind trying to piece this together. It was you. You were the reason my parents broke up. And it wasn't just an affair. She really loved you. It wasn't just this cheap thing where she didn't tell you she was married. It wasn't all a lie. She left her husband for you. But you stayed with your wife because it was the right thing to do. Maybe safe, but she was the right person for you to be with. And let's face it, my mother? Nothing wrong with being safe. Being with the good buy because he's good. And we are talking about forever here. You've never regretted your decision. You've never looked back. Right? [SCENE_BREAK] (Meredith opens a door to a waiting room where Derek is sitting in a chair) Meredith: Finn says we need to make a decision about Doc. Derek: Good for Finn. Meredith: Can we just do this? Derek: Fine. Meredith: I think, we may have to put him to sleep. Derek: Whatever. Meredith: Can we just do this one thing together without arguing? What if there's a chance he can get better? Derek: He's not going to get better. You know that. Meredith: Well, Finn things we should do it today, then. So I guess I'll go over there. Be there. Derek: What time? Meredith: Are you coming? Derek: He's my dog. (Izzie runs into Denny's room. Bailey is in there.) Izzie: Denny! Bailey: What did I tell you? Visiting hours aren't for another hour. You are no longer his doctor. You wanna see Denny, you come back when the visitors come. Izzie: I would, but I can't wait. Denny: Ixnay on the insubordinationay. Izzie: But it's my turn. Bailey: If the Chief finds out you were even on this floor... Denny: Hold on. It's her turn. Izzie: Yes. My answer is yes. Denny: Oh, now see, you're going to make my heart stop beating and it's brand new. (Izzie walks over to Denny) Bailey: I will call security on you. Izzie: Ok. I will come back during visiting hours. And it's prom, so I'll show you my dress. Denny: Ok. Izzie: I'm going. Denny: Izzie. You did good. (To Bailey) I tricked her into marrying me. How smart am I? (Burke's room, Cristina is hovering in the doorway) Cristina: We're throwing a prom. Chief's making us throw a prom. Burke: O'Malley mentioned. Cristina: George came to see you? Burke: He's my friend. Cristina: Oh. Burke: I won't bear a grudge. Cristina: What did you...? Burke: I have to take care of me. I don't expect you to take care of me. But I have to take care of me. If this...if you can't stay here for this...I won't bear a grudge. Cristina: Are you going to tell Shepherd about... Burke: Not yet. I'm, uh...not yet. (Cristina leaves) (Finn's office. Meredith, Derek and Addison are there to put Doc to sleep) Finn: Ok. There's a couple of forms you need to sign. (Derek and Meredith both reach for the form) I only need one signature. Derek: You? Meredith: It's fine. Addison: Here, I'll sign. Meredith: So, how do we do this? Finn: Well, I'll give Doc an injection of terazole to make him sleepy, and then I'll give him an IV injection of pheonbarbitol. Derek: And that will stop his heart? Finn: Yes. Meredith: And what do we do after? With his body? Finn: We can...We have the means to dispose of it for you. Derek: That's fine. Go ahead. Meredith: We can't throw him away like he's garbage. Finn: We would never... Meredith: He's our dog, Derek. Derek: There's uh, clearing by the trailer. Meredith: Overlooking the water? Derek: We can, uh, bury him there. Addison: That sounds nice. Finn: You ready? Meredith: Yeah. (To Doc) I'm so sorry, Doc. Derek: I'm sorry too. (Addison's pager beeps) Addison: It's the hospital. I got to go. Derek: Ok. Addison: Ok. Finn: Ok. I'll begin. Meredith: (To Doc) It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. (Meredith is crying and Derek keeps looking at her. She is petting Doc and Derek touches her hand. Finn checks Doc's heart) Finn: He's gone. Meredith? Meredith: No, I have to go home and change. I'll see you later, ok? Finn: Meredith. I'm sorry. For your loss. Meredith: Yeah. You know, the thing is he wasn't really my dog for that long. He was more Derek's dog. Derek: Meredith. He was a good dog. Meredith: He was. (The hospital prom. The room is full of people dancing and having a good time.) Bailey: Oh, I'm too tired for this. Cristina: Where's your husband, Dr. Bailey? Bailey: Uh, at home with the baby. That you would at least get to get out of this. Cristina: Why? Bailey: Well, with Burke upstairs. What happened to him, I'm sure the Chief would have let you out. Cristina: Yeah. (Another part of the prom) Derek: Oh, God. Finn: Hey. Derek: Hey. Finn: You seen Meredith? Derek: I don't think she's here yet. (Derek and Finn both look up to see Meredith enter. She is dressed in a sparkly black dress and looks stunning. Finn walks away and Addison walks up.) Addison: This whole thing brings back very traumatic memories of being a band geek with braces and the lisp. (Derek is still looking at Meredith) Spending the whole evening with Skippy Gold talking about Star Wars. (Derek watches Meredith and Finn embrace) Derek: Hmm. I hated Star Wars. Addison: Hmm. Thank God. This is terrible. Derek: It's bad. So, you want to, um, dance? Derek: Love to. (Another part of the prom, Richard, Claire and Natalie are watching Camille and Brian dance. Richard walks up and taps Brian on the shoulder.) Richard: Can I cut in? (Brian scampers off looking scared) Camille: What did you say to my boyfriend to make him that scared of you? Richard: I'm a frightening man, Cammie. Camille: No, you're not. Richard: Where Brian's concerned, yes, I am. Camille: Be kind to him. He loves me. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have once in their life. I've been loved. I have that. Thank you for the prom, Uncle Richard. Richard: You're welcome. (Callie is walking through the hall and George sees her) George: Hey, I was looking for you...Where are you going? Callie: I'm wearing a dress, I have on heels, I shaved my legs. I'm going to the prom. George: You said that you didn't want to go. Callie: No, I said I didn't want to go with you. George: Callie! Callie: I said I love you. I said it. I said it out loud to your face. And ever since, you...I've never said that to a guy before. Never. And now I am just this idiot who says I love you and then gets avoided. George: No. I'm not avoiding you. I promise. Callie: You gonna say it back? George: No. Callie: I'm humiliated. (He grabs her arm) Callie: No. No. George. Let me go. George, let me go! (He pushes her against the wall) George: Wait. Callie: Let me go. Let me go. George: Stop fighting me! If I say it back right now, you'll know I'm just saying it because you said it to me. When...when I say I love you... I want to mean it, because...you just have to give me some time to mean it. Callie: I hate that I'm so into you. (They start kissing) (Back at the prom, Derek is dancing with Addison while watching Meredith who is dancing with Finn) Finn: You're a lot hotter than my last prom date. Meredith: Is that a compliment? Finn: Maybe. Meredith: It feels like a compliment. Finn: Well, then it is. Meredith: Well, keep it up. You might get lucky. Finn: Well, now, how lucky are we talking? Are we talking kind of lucky? Or are we talking really, seriously lucky? Meredith: You have been a very patient man and I appreciate it. (He sighs) What? Finn: Liz, uh...Liz was my wife. And when she died...You do this thing, you know, where you stop making plans. Because you had plans, but then there was a car crash and your plans disappeared. So you just...I just try and get from sunup till sundown. That's as far into the future as I can handle. And I've been fine with that. I have. But right now, looking at you...Damn, I have all kinds of plans. Don't freak out. Meredith: I'm not. Finn: You're not? Meredith: No. You have plans. Finn: I have plans. (Meredith looks up and sees Derek who is looking at her.) Finn: You all right? Meredith: Yeah, just um, hot. And claustrophobic. Derek: (To Addison) There's a patient I forgot to check on. Meredith: (To Finn) You know, I'm just going to run and splash some cold water on my face. Derek: (To Addison) Be right back, ok? Meredith: (To Finn) Be right back, ok? Addison: Ok Finn: All right. (Meredith is running through the hall, Derek is running after her.) Derek: Meredith. Meredith: Leave me alone. Derek: Meredith. (Meredith enters an exam room and Derek follows) Meredith: Just leave me alone. Derek: I just want to make sure you're all right. Meredith: No! I'm not all right! Ok? Are you satisfied? I'm not all right! Because you have a wife and you call me a whore and our dog died and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me! Derek: I'm not looking at you. I am not looking at you! Meredith: You are looking at me! And you watch me. And Finn has plans and I like Finn. He's perfect for me! And I'm really trying here to be happy! And I can't breathe! I can't breathe with you looking at me like that! So just stop! Derek: Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal! She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands! Oh, man, I would give anything not to be looking at you! (She turns to face him and he kisses her) (Alex is walking up the stairs as Izzie is coming down them) Alex: Oh! You look nice. Izzie: Thank you. So do you. Hot date? Alex: Nah. This thing is cheesy. I wouldn't waste a decent chick on this. You heading in? Izzie: Yeah. Just going to see Denny first. Alex: (disappointed) Oh. Ok. (Denny's room, he is sitting in bed smiling) (Exam room, Derek and Meredith are still kissing. She is sitting on the exam table as he takes off her underwear. She takes off his jacket. He kisses her neck) (Denny's room. He appears to be in pain. He grips his chest. His monitor flatlines.) (Izzie is in the elevator, fidgeting and smiling.) (Exam room where Derek and Meredith have just finished having sx) Derek: What does this mean? Meredith: Uh, I had panties on. Black. Do you see them? Derek: Meredith, what does this mean? Meredith: Help me look for them. And fix your tie. Derek: Meredith. What does this mean? (Callie enters with a shocked look on her face.) Callie: Oh, the nurse told me to come find you. You have to come now. It's Izzie. Callie: (Stops her and fixes her dress) Wait, wait, wait. Ok, go. (Callie looks back at Derek and gives him a nasty look) (Richard is sitting in a dark gallery when Bailey enters) Bailey: Chief. Richard: Did my internship here. My residency. Came back here the minute my fellowship was done. The day they told me I would be Chief, I was standing right there in that OR when I got the news. Spent my whole career in this hospital. My whole life. Bailey: Sir...Denny Duquette died at 7:42 this evening. Richard: Damn it. (George, Meredith, Cristina and Callie run up to Denny's room, Olivia is standing outside) George: What happened? Olivia: I didn't know what to do. I didn't think you guys would want me to go to the Chief but... Cristina: Where is she? Olivia: She's in there with him. (They all enter the room where Izzie is lying on the bed with Denny.) Cristina: Izzie... Izzie: I think it was a stroke. He was prone to blood clots. A clot could have formed on his sutures and traveled to his brain. It only takes a second. Meredith: Iz... Izzie: Dr. Hahn did a beautiful job on the surgery. But I don't know why I didn't think of blood clots. He died all alone. He was alone. George: There was nothing you could have done. Izzie: I changed my dress three times. I wanted to look nice. I would have been here sooner... but I couldn't figure out which dress to wear. George: Izzie. We shouldn't be in here. Meredith: Iz, there are things that they need...they need to move him. Izzie: Take him to the morgue. Cristina: You can't stay here. I know you want to. Izzie: Can you please...please just get out? I want to be alone with Denny. (Alex enters) Alex: Izzie, that's not Denny. Izzie: Shut up. Alex: Iz, that's not Denny. The minute his heart stopped beating, he stopped being Denny. Now, I know you love him, but he also loved you. And a guy that loves you like that, he doesn't want you to do this to yourself. Because it's not Denny. Not anymore. Izzie: An hour ago he was proposing. And now...And now he's going to the morgue. Isn't that ridiculous? (She starts sobbing) Isn't that the most ridiculous piece of crap you've ever heard? Alex: Come on. (Alex picks her up and carries her to a chair and holds her in his arms.) (Burke's room, his hand is still having tremors, Cristina stands at the door for a moment and then walks in and grabs his hand.) (Finn and Addison are standing in the hallway when Derek walks out) Addison: I'm sorry, there are ridic...Hey. Derek: Hi. Addison: Where've you been? Derek: Uh, I was with... (Richard and Bailey walk up) Richard: Shepherd. Derek: Yes. Richard: Uh, have you seen Bailey's interns? Grey? Yang? I'm looking for Izzie Stevens in particular. Derek: No. No. Bailey: Chief. (They all look up to see Izzie walking out followed by George, Alex and Meredith.) Izzie: It was me. I cut his LVAD wire. I did it. No one helped me. And now...I thought I was a surgeon, but...I can't. I thought I was a surgeon, but I'm not. So I quit. Bailey: Izzie. (Izzie leaves with Alex and George behind her.) Addison: I guess that...puts an end to the evening. Derek: Yeah. Richard: Yeah, I guess it does. (Addison, Richard and Bailey walk off. Finn walks over to Meredith.) Finn: Come on. I'll drive you home. (She stands there, she looks at Derek. Derek looks at Finn. She looks at Finn who turns around and looks at her and then at Derek.) Derek: Meredith? (She looks at Derek) Finn: Meredith? (She looks at Finn. Finn and Derek exchange glances.)	Plan: A: three; Q: How many parts are there to the story arc? A: The interns; Q: Who is pulled into Dr. Webber's office for interrogation regarding the LVAD wire situation? A: the truth; Q: What did none of the interns reveal to Dr. Webber? A: Meredith confronts; Q: Who confronts Dr. Webber over his affair with her mother? A: surgery; Q: What does Dr. Webber tell the interns they are off? A: a prom; Q: What does Dr. Webber want the interns to give his niece? A: a tremor; Q: What does Burke find in Doc's right hand? A: his right hand; Q: Burke finds a tremor in what part of Dr. Webber? A: the decision; Q: What did Meredith and Derek make to put Burke to sleep? A: Denny's marriage proposal; Q: What does Izzie accept? A: an exam room; Q: Where do Derek and Meredith reunite during the prom? A: bed; Q: Where is Izzie lying after Denny's death? A: a stroke; Q: What did Denny die from? A: Seattle Grace; Q: Where does Izzie go after she confesses to Dr. Webber that she cut the LVAD wire? Summary: Part three of a three-part story arc. The interns are pulled into Dr. Webber's office for interrogation regarding the LVAD wire situation. None of them reveal the truth, protecting Izzie, but Meredith confronts Dr. Webber over his affair with her mother. Dr. Webber tells them all that they are off surgery, and they are to give his niece a prom. Burke finds a tremor in his right hand. Meredith and Derek make the decision to put Doc to sleep. Izzie accepts Denny's marriage proposal. During the prom, Derek and Meredith reunite in an exam room. The interns find Izzie lying in bed clinging to Denny, who has died from a stroke. Izzie leaves Seattle Grace, and on her way out confesses to Dr. Webber that she cut the LVAD wire and that she quits the program. Meredith remains torn on who she should follow: Derek or Finn.
At the counsellor's office JT: So what now Ms. Sauve? Pregnancy yoga? Lamaze class? Ms. Sauve: Make a doctors appointment. At this point the health of the baby is paramount. So who knows? Liberty: Only my brother and Toby. Ms. Sauve: Not your parents? Liberty you're six months pregnant. Liberty: I know Ms. Sauve, but my father... there's no way I can tell him. Ms. Sauve: So you're just been hiding it? Well let's talk about options. It's a little late in the game for an abortion so I assume that's off the table? Liberty: Absolutely. I want to carry this baby to term, but afterwards... JT: Liberty there is no afterwards okay? What about adoption? Ms. Sauve: I can refer you to an agency. JT: Yes that's perfect. We're in. Liberty: We? JT you broke up with me. JT: Yeah, but I'm still the father. If you decide to keep this baby then it becomes my problem too. Ms. Sauve: So do you want me to refer you to an adoption agency or not? JT: Yes! Liberty: No! Ms. Sauve: Sounds like you have a problem. At a TV station, JT is on TV making crafts with a couple of little girls JT: The glitter sticks to the glue and tada! You have your tiara. Like Megan and Madison... and just like our favourite world primate Princess Apewares and she'll be coming up next so stay tuned. Backstage: Cut! Recess! JT: Hey Tobes what are you doing here? Toby: Surprise. Surprise. You forgot. We were supposed to catch Clown Academy tonight. JT: Sorry. Brain fart. I totally forgot. I'm due at the pharmacy. Toby: Two jobs, school, a pregnant ex. No wonder your brain's flagellant. JT: Well there's two solutions to my problems my carefree friend, mochachino and adoption. Toby. Adoption? Wow. You uh sure Liberty will go for that? JT: She's 15. It's the only thing that makes sense. Crew member: Okay JT let's do it. JT: Right. Uh okay. Well take two. I'm gonna go continue to make a complete dink of myself. Crew member: Okay and roll tape. At the Dot, Craig and Manny are making out and Emma clears her throat Emma: I'd tell you guys to get a room, but you have a room, which also happens to be my room. Manny: Well tonight your room is all yours because Craig is taking me to see a band. Craig: It's a friend of a friend. It's nothing special. Emma: I thought we were studying. Manny: Unless... I mean it's not really a date if you want to tag along. Craig: Yeah. Emma: Oh that's persuasive, but I'll pass. Craig: Come on Emma. It's totally cool. Emma: It's totally third wheel Craig. You guys are a couple and I'm just me. Plus I have a hot date tonight with a very sexy red. (As she holds up a book) At the pharmacy Jay: Hey uh you sell glitter glue? What can I say your craft work on television it, uh inspires me. (JT doesn't say anything and moves away from Jay.) You know I can't help but wonder why a guy who's going to school is working so many hours. You in some kind of trouble stock boy? JT: Don't you have someone else to bug? Jay: Just saying. You need money, talk to me. I've got all sorts of creative solutions. (Jay puts some items in his pocket.) JT: Well I can do without your brand of creativity. Put that back. (Jay puts some of the items back.) JT: All of it. Jay: Whatever you say nark. At Degrassi, there's a couple booths set up and Emma walks over to the cancer research one where Paige is standing Emma: Jazz combo or raising money for cancer research. Paige: Fighting cancer. Excellent choice. Now if only we could stomp out jazz in our lifetime. (Peter walks by and Emma looks at him.) Peter: Hitting the pavement for a cancer free world too? Emma: Yeah you mean one without you in it. (Peter points at his name on the list.) Emma: If you need a victim for your next sexploitation flick, keep looking. Peter: My mom took my camera. I'm completely unarmed. Look if we're both gonna be on the relay committee maybe we should start over. Emma: Maybe you can get out of my way. In the hallway, JT is sleeping on a bench Toby: Hey! Miss your mochachino fix? JT: My grandma decided the house needed vacuuming at 6AM! Toby: Tell her about the baby yet? JT: No. Like she needs more to worry about. Liberty! Here I got you some uh, some ginger tea. It's supposed to help with the morning sickness. Liberty: That's sweet. Thank you. JT: Um have you thought about you know like options or, or life plans? Liberty: Not really. JT: Listen. Do you realize what having a kid means? I mean for your future it's just not logical. Liberty: JT I don't want to argue okay? JT: Okay, well just let me help you okay? Liberty: I have an ultrasound at 2. Come with me? In Media Immersion Mr. Simpson: Before we continue does anyone have an announcement to make? About say himself being an up and coming TV star, big hit with the kids, on everyday at 3... JT: Mr. Simpson, please don't. Please. Mr. Simpson: People our next unit in media immersion is pre-school television. Watch closely because we're gonna learn from a master. (Mr. Simpson plays a tape of JT's show where he's dressed as a turkey and gobbling...) JT: (On the TV) It's almost Thanksgiving and today we are going to be making none other than a turkey! Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble! But before we make our turkeys I'm gonna need my handy dandy little helpers. Where are my handy dandy little helpers? There they are! (The little girls start gobbling on the TV.) JT: (On the TV) So now let's make our turkey girls. Come on over here. Okay so first of all... Manny: That is so cute. Liberty: She's right. Why didn't you tell me about this? You've always wanted to be on TV and there you are. At the Dot Manny: So uh do you want to tell her or should I? Craig: Okay I'll tell her. Well...no, no you tell her. You tell her. It's too good. Manny: I don't want to tell her! You have to tell her. Craig: No go! Do it. Do it. Manny: Okay. Okay. So Craig and I, we met this really cute guy and he's totally your type. Emma: Well cute is my type. Craig: His name is Derek. He's a basketball buddy of Jimmy's. He's in grade 10, but he's alright. (Derek walks into the Dot.) Craig: Hey Derek. Weird. Weird. I mean it's, it's cosmic. We were just talking about you. Emma: Amazing. You'd think it was a setup. Manny: Derek, this is my single friend Emma. Did I mention that she's single? Derek: Hey Emma. Um these guys were telling me that your parents used to go to Degrassi? It's pretty weird eh? Emma: It's a magical story. (Peter walks by and Emma looks at him Emma: I'll tell you all about it Friday. Derek: Uh Friday? Like at night? Emma: It's a date! At the doctor's office Liberty: How does he or she look? JT: I don't know. I can't. Liberty: JT... please. (He looks at the monitor.) JT: It, it looks real. (Liberty walks out of the office after her exam.) JT: Passed with flying colors. Like mother, like offspring. Liberty: They'll be happy to hear that at the adoption agency. JT: Really? You sure? Liberty: No I don't want to give our baby up, but you do obviously. JT: Liberty it's not that easy. We have lives ahead of us. School and jobs... Liberty: So? We can do it. All of it. (She kisses his cheek.) JT: What was that for? Liberty: Because you needed it. Look I love you JT and whatever you want to do, I'm fine with it. JT: Let's keep this baby. At JT's house Liberty: Bright and early as requested. (JT and Liberty hug.) Mrs. Cooney: Who wants muffins? Carrot muffins, your favourite. Liberty: Good morning Mrs. Cooney. Mrs. Cooney: Liberty I am so happy you've taken this one back. Luck of the Irish he's got. Liberty: We're both very lucky. JT: Speaking of which, um we have great news. We're having a baby. Mrs. Cooney: You can't be serious. JT: Yeah we are. We're gonna be uh parents. Mrs. Cooney: James Tiberius do you have any idea what it takes to raise a child? You are far, far too young. JT: Well I thought that you could help us. I mean you raised mom and me. Mrs. Cooney: And I'm not planning to spend my retirement going through it again. Have you thought about adoption? Liberty: Uh we've considered it, but no. JT: Look Gram we love each other okay? That's all that matters. The rest we'll figure out. Mrs. Cooney: The way your father figured it out by leaving you and your mother when the going got rough? JT: I'm not like him. Not at all. (She doesn't say anything.) JT: Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] At the cancer run meeting Peter: Emma hey. Okay look if we're both gonna be on the Relay For Life committee don't you think we should be a little bit more civilized? Emma: It's a cancer run, not a tea party. Peter: I know videotaping Manny was stupid, but she asked me to do it. She was drunk and very persuasive. Emma: And you e-mailing it to your friends makes it right. Peter: No. Of course not. Paige: Pledge forms for all your fabulous cancer fighting friends and family members. Leave no wallet untapped. Peter: Look I should have never gone for Manny. You on the other hand, major catch. Smart, funny, insanely gorgeous. Emma: What makes you think I'm interested? Peter: We care about things. Important things. Maybe I heard that once you were kinda into me. (Emma stands up to move seats.) Paige: Okay uh butts in the bleachers people. We'll go over the route. (Peter moves right beside Emma.) Peter: There's a movie tomorrow night. 7:30, Cinema 3. It's supposed to be funny. I'll be there. Emma: Don't hold your breath. (Emma stands up to leave and Paige gives her a look.) Paige: Whenever you're ready. Curing cancer can always wait. Outside, JT and Liberty are walking Liberty: JT please don't make me do this. JT: Liberty we can't keep avoiding this okay? We have to tell your parents. Liberty: After what happened with your grandma? JT: So she didn't take it so well. Liberty: That's nothing JT okay? Your grandma's a lamb, my parents are lions. JT: Well Liberty you're their daughter. Maybe they'll understand. Liberty: It's not my mother. It's my father. He'll kick me out guaranteed. JT: Well let him okay because we're gonna get our own place. You, me and the baby. Liberty: You're serious? I guess I could use my spelling bee money. JT: Yeah and I'll, I'll take more shifts at the pharmacy and I'll quit the TV job. Liberty: JT you can't! JT: No I have to because it doesn't pay and besides they can just get someone else to make tiaras. It's fine. Liberty: So we're not telling them? JT: No. Not yet. Because before we jump we better have a safety net. (A montage is shown of JT and Liberty looking through newspapers for apartments. They go to an apartment where the tenant looks at Liberty's stomach and closes the door. Liberty looks at her stomach in the mirror. JT is scanning baby products at the pharmacy and looks at how much they cost. JT is shown at the TV station saying goodbye to everyone.) At the mall, Emma and Derek are walking around Derek: So you, Manny and Craig been friends for long or...? Emma: Uh Manny forever. Craig for a while. (Derek runs over to a t-shirt on display.) Derek: Check it! Is that Grover Smash? Emma: I think it is. Who is Grover Smash? Derek: Only half the Leper Twins. Tag Team? Emma: Oh wrestling. Derek: Just won the belt, which obviously means squat to you. What about TV? What do you watch? Emma: Um mostly (something?). I read the book. Derek: Oh uh cool. You know some wrestlers have their own books too. Comic books. That's how I got into wrestling. Reading comics when my dad took me hunting. Dude, until you have tasted fresh venison you have not lived. Emma: I'm a vegetarian. Derek: Oh. So do you eat chicken or-? Emma: Derek um listen I had a great time. Well an okay time. Actually I had a pretty lame time so let's just quit while we're behind. Sorry. In an apartment Tenant: Three quarter inch pipe. Lots of pressure. The laundry's in the basement. Liberty: I can't wait to do our own laundry. JT: And it's so close to the school. It's perfect. Is it perfect? Liberty: It's perfect. Tenant: Well rent's $750 a month kids and I'll need first and last up front. Liberty: Two months rent? That's $1500. Tenant: Yeah it's pretty standard practice kid. Uh I can give you a minute to think about it. JT: We can't afford it. At the pharmacy Jay: No five finger discount this time. Promise. JT: Believe me they do not pay me enough to stop you. Jay: So I saw some new reject on TV today trying to keep kids from eating glue. He poach your show? JT: No. I quit. That job didn't pay and this one does. Jay: Ah well this is where the big bucks are right? JT: Yeah minimum wage. I'm a real tycoon. Jay: Your problem stock boy, tunnel vision okay. You need money, get creative. JT: Jay spare me the lame ass scheme. Jay: Shut up and listen. Look you have behind the counter privileges where the good stuff is. You ever hear of Oxycodone? It's a pain killer. I know people who would be willing to sell their mothers to get their hands on this stuff. You've got it right back there. Buckets of it. At the movie theatre Peter: Emma over here! Emma: You can cancel the bulk 'I have a new girlfriend' e-mail. I have been planning to see this movie for weeks. Peter: Of course. Classic tale of triumph over adversary. Who knew Clown Academy had a football team. Emma: Or cheerleaders. For the record when the lights go down your hand stays in your own popcorn bag. Peter: On probation. Gotcha. So should I draw a line down the center of the arm rest or what? Emma: Lines moving. No more talking. At the pharmacy (JT is closing up with the manager and as the manager locks the door JT takes a bunch of pills and puts them in his pocket.) Scenes for next week JT: (To the camera) What if making someone happy meant doing something really bad? Voiceover: JT's attempt to fix a serious situation... (Druggie is giving JT money) Druggie: You did good. $800. Voiceover: ...only makes things worse. JT: I just thought it was a good idea. (Liberty hits JT with her backpack) Liberty: You stupid, thoughtless imbecile! Voiceover: And the problem... (Druggie is choking JT on the ground.) Druggie: I want my money back. I want more drugs! Voiceover: ...is spiralling out of control.	Plan: A: J.T.; Q: Who sells drugs to a dealer? A: an apartment; Q: What are Liberty and J.T. looking to buy? A: no income; Q: Why does J.T. resort to stealing and selling drugs? A: Emma; Q: Who is tired of being a "third wheel" to Manny and Craig? A: Derek; Q: Who does Emma go on a date with? A: Peter; Q: Who does Emma want to be with? Summary: Liberty and J.T. are back together and looking to buy an apartment, but with no income, J.T. resorts to stealing and selling drugs to a dealer. Meanwhile, Emma, tired of being a "third wheel" to Manny and Craig, decides to go on a date with Derek, but she really wants to be with Peter.
QAF TRANSCRIPT: 1.06 [COMIC BOOK STORE] Michael: [Narrating] Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes we're out there and no it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity.I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there so you better learn some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes and three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo. Michael: I totally blew it. Brian: Don't worry, there's a lot of creepy old men out there who'd love to get in your pants. Michael: He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy, he was nice. First doctor Brian: Chiropractor Michael: That counts. I think. Clerk: Ah - we got in the new Cat Woman. Michael: Cool.He takes me to this really nice restaurant and I behave like a fcking idiot dressed up like some slick asshole. Brian: Hey, that was my $1200 leather jacket. Michael: It wasn't me. You know I guess I'm nobody, that's my problem.Are you even listening to me? Brian: I tune out self-pity. It makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that would we? Michael: Just forget I said anything. Clerk: Hm hm. Michael: Oh wow. Look. The new Electra Woman. I'm going to buy this for Gus. Brian: Don't. I don't want a gay kid. Michael: He's being raised by two lesbians, he's going to need a feminine influence.Besides, it'll be a collector's item. Brian: Well I'll take it. I am going over there. Michael: I'll go too. Brian: No. You're going back to the doctor and telling him you want to give it another try. [LIBERTY AVENUE] Daphne: Does your mom know you're out buying jewellery? Justin: She's totally cool with everything. At least she's pretending to be because she's scared I'll run away and become a hairdresser. Daphne: I hate you. My mom's such a bitch and I haven't even given her a reason yet. Justin: How about these? Daphne: They are totally queer. Justin: Shut up! They're a symbol of our friendship. Daphne: Okay. Thanks. Justin: Actually, I don't have any money. I had to buy a new fake I.D.Look. That's them. Brian's lesbians.Hey! Hey, how's it going? Melanie: I'm sorry. Do we know you? Justin: I'm Justin. Brian's friend.I was there the night Gus was born. I named him. Melanie: Oh, right. Yeah.So when Gus ends up pumping gas, we'll have you to thank. Justin: [Chuckles] This is Daphne. Daphne: Hi. I'm not a lesbian, but I-I'm a big fan. Justin: [Chuckles] He's gotten so big already. Melanie: You would too if all you did was sleep and eat all day. Daphne: He does. Justin: He's like the cutest baby I've ever seen.If you ever need a baby-sitter Lindsay: Don't say that unless you mean it. Justin: And if you need any help carrying stuff to the car, I'd be glad to be of assistance.Melanie: Wow, you're good for 1,001 uses. Daphne: I'll see you later? Justin: I don't know. [TORSO] Ted: I'm out. Emmett: At work? That's fabulous. Ted: Out of the scene, I mean.I've made up my mind. No more bars, no more baths, no more clubs.You'll never see my face at Babylon again. Emmett: Oh, please! You can't let one little drug-induced coma get you down.What do you think? Ted: You look unbelievably trashy. Emmett: Talked me into it. I'll buy it. Ted: You missed my point entirely.Everything we do, even the clothes we wear, is a conscious, or worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid. Emmett: Yes, it's true. There is an overemphasis on sx. But why not buy two sizes too small and go with it? Ted: Because, tragically, some of us were not born to wear lycra. Emmett: Here, check out the personals. Perhaps you'll find someone to not go out with. Ted: You know, one thing I never understood about these ads, why is it always "tit work" and "ass play"?If you ask me, it's a lot harder to--look at this, at the center."Date-bait: meet other single gay men "in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection."They have an over-30 night. Emmett: Where? At the morgue? Ted: Just for that, you're going with me. Emmett: I am not over 30. Ted: And I am not going alone. [CHIROPRACTOR'S OFFICE] David: I didn't realize we had scheduled a follow-up visit. Michael: We didn't. I told them it was an emergency. David: What's the problem? Michael: I'm a jerk. Can you adjust that? David: Provided it's not a permanent condition. Michael: See, the thing is, I don't date very often. You know, real "eat a meal, talk, stare into each other's eyes" kind of dates.So I-I kind of freaked. And I'm sorry I was such an asshole. David: You weren't...an asshole. Michael: Believe me, I've seen assholes and--I mean, uh--I feel shitty about it.And...I really like you. And I think you might actually have liked me. David: I do like you. Michael: You do? Well, do you think we could start over? David: Sit down. You're adorable, you know that? [MELANIE AND LINDSAY'S HOUSE][Knocking on door] Brian: I got something for Gus. Melanie: [Chuckles] That's so sweet. We'll call Michael later to thank him. Gus: [Cooing] Lindsay: How long have you been drawing? Justin: My mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped. Brian: What's he doing here? Melanie: We ran into each other on the street. Justin: It was like, this weird coincidence. Brian: I bet. Lindsay: You know, these are good. Justin: That's what my mom says. Melanie: Lindsay's an art teacher. Lindsay: For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form. Brian: I've noticed that myself. Lindsay: Look at this. Justin: Oh, don't show him. Lindsay: Ohh. Mmm. Brian: When did you draw that? Justin: When you were asleep. Melanie: Ah, circumcised. Just like I thought. Lindsay: You know, there's going to be an art show at the G.L.C. Justin: What's that? Brian: The gay and lesbian center. Safe haven for fags who can't get laid. Melanie: You know, it might be good to get out and meet some nice young men for a change. Lindsay: It's the annual fund-raiser. Melanie and I are on the board. Would you like to have your work in the show? Justin: You mean, people seeing my stuff? Lindsay: Yeah. Justin: That'd be intense. But... Yeah. Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me. Justin: Don't flatter yourself. Melanie: [Laughing] We like Justin. Justin can stay. Lindsay: We'll make sure everyone comes. Including you. Brian: [Mouthing] Bitch. [AT GLC DATE BAIT MEETING] Group Leader: Write down the numbers of the men you're interested in. And if the computer matches you up, you have to go out on a date. Those are the rules. Man 1: Hi, uh, my name is Bruce. I'm a little nervous. I only came out about a year ago. Man 2: I like, uh, Ben and Jerry's chubby hubby. Roger: I teach piano and voice at Carnegie-Mellon. Man 2: And watching "Frasier". Emmett: My friend made me come. Man 1: I'm looking for a nice guy who likes Chihuahuas. I have three. Emmett: My boyfriend would kill me if he knew. Man 2: And I have a Speedo fetish. Especially red and teal. Ted: I recently, uh, went home with this...very cute boy that I met at Babylon.Uh, he had some drugs. Roger: I also conduct the local gay men's chorus. I hope you'll all come to our upcoming concert. Ted: I wanted to seem young and sexy so I took some, and I ended up in a coma. Hmm. And, uh... Roger: And I would love someone to come home to after rehearsal. Ted: Now...I'm looking for a relationship based on something real.And I thought maybe there might be someone here who's looking for the same thing. And, uh, that's all. Emmett: Faggots, faggots everywhere and not a drop to drink. I can honestly say I have no desire to have sx with any of these people. Ted: Me neither.Whew... It's a start. [MICHAEL AND EMMETT'S APARTMENT] David: I've never seen so many comic books. Michael: That's what everybody I bring home says. I mean... People have told me that. David: Mm-hmm. Who's the big fella? Michael: Captain Astro.Um, my friend Emmett, he's staying with me. It was to be a temporary thing, but he's become sort of a squatter. He may come home at any time, so sorry about that. David: You don't have to apologize for everything. Michael: I know. I do that. I'm sorry.Um--do you want anything? um, juice? Beer. I don't have any wine. David: Slow. [RESTAURANT] Waiter: Hi, guys. You know what you'd like? Ted: Um--I'll have the bacon cheeseburger, medium fries, and, uh, a Pepsi. Waiter: Okay. Ted: Uh, I'll have the, uh, uh, the grilled tuna and, um... I, uh...[stammering] just... I-I'll have water. Roger: Oh, come on. Live a little.I can tell you've been denying yourself for way too long. Ted: All right, give me what he's having. Waiter: Okay, coming right up.[mixed chatter] Roger: He has a nice smile. Ted: Among other attributes. Roger: I'm sure he's a fine person. Ted: Rhodes scholar would be my guess. Roger: You know, ordinarily I'd be wracking my brain to come up with some pathetic line for when he comes back. Like, "I haven't seen you here before. Are you new?" Ted: Or, uh, "do I know you from somewhere? No? Must be in a dream." Roger: "So when did they start hiring models here?" Ted: You're worse than I am. You, um, want me to go to the men's room so you can take a crack at him, or-- Roger: Oh, God no! [groaning] it never worked anyway. All that useless flirting. Ted: It is such a relief to be out of that world. Roger: I have a confession to make. I didn't go to date bait just to drum up an audience for our 500th Sondheim concert. Ted: I had a feeling. Roger: I was hoping that I would find someone I could connect to. Ted: Someone appropriate. Roger: Exactly. Someone appropriate. Ted: Well...I say let's get to know each other and...see what happens. Roger: Take it slow.I always preferred andante to presto anyway. [Chuckles]Waiter: Okay, boys. These'll help cool you down. [GYM] Michael: 27 minutes on my nipples! I clocked it. I mean, I expected him to know what to do with his hands, 'cause that's his business, but he has the most talented tongue.Every time I came-- All: Every time? Michael: He would just keep on going. Licking me...everywhere. Emmett: I once knew a guy who could tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue.I was afraid to let him blow me. Ted: 27 minutes? W-was that 13½ on each nipple, or...? Michael: 16 right, 11 left. Brian: Yeah, that's probably how long it takes him to get it up. Michael: I wouldn't know. I never saw it when it was down. Brian: Another Viagra success story. Emmett: So are you bringing him to Woody's tonight? Michael: He's not really into the bar scene.[weights clanging] Brian: Well what is he into? Michael: His life. Ted: Like the guy I met. Brian: You met someone? Ted: He's very nice. Very intelligent, very interesting. Brian: Is he a top or a bottom? Ted: You know, not everybody judges people by your criteria, okay? Roger and I--Brian: [Chuckles] Roger? Ted: Roger and I have decided to get to know each other before we have sx. Brian: What do you think you are, lesbians? Emmett: It's like "The Mirror Has Two Faces".No, no, it is. Because Barbra plays an unattractive professor; no offense, who marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sx.But of course Barbara gets horny because, hello, Jeff's such a dreamboat.So, um, she hops on a Stairmaster for like, two minutes, eats a carrot stick and then, poof--she gorgeous.Then she comes in dressed like the hooker in "Nuts" and of course Jeff's willing to fck her.And, um, they...dance in the street. Ted: And she still wasn't nominated. Brian: You know, you do it right away, or you don't do it at all. I'm happy for you, Mikey. Ted: fck he is. [JUSTIN'S HOUSE] Jennifer: Justin, Daphne's here! Molly--we're going to be late. Daphne: Hey, look. Justin told me how great you're being about everything and, uh, I just want to say I think he's really lucky to have such an understanding mom. Jennifer: Well, I'm trying. Daphne: Yeah, well it must be hard,' cause in my family, I'm black, my parents are black.We're all black. You know what I mean? Jennifer: I think so. Daphne: Oh! Did you see the flyer? Jennifer: What flyer? Daphne: For the art show. His name's really big. Daphne: Would you come on already? Jennifer: The gay and lesbian center? When did this happen? Daphne: Oh, my God, you mean he didn't-- Jennifer: He doesn't tell me much these days. Daphne: Oh, promise you won't tell him I told you or he'll stop telling me. Justin: You don't have to yell, I heard you the first time.And I don't know when I'll be back. Jennifer: Justin! Be careful. [GAY AND LESBIAN CENTRE] Woman: Chris, pass me that hammer. Daphne: You're really good at that. Woman: Thanks.I like you guys' bracelets. Daphne: Oh, they're for friendship. I mean, he's not my boyfriend or anything. Woman: I figured. Justin: You can tell I'm gay? Woman: Well you're here, aren't you?I'm heading on down to the diner to get a soda. You wanna come? Daphne: Sure. Justin: What-what are you doing? She thinks you're a lesbian. Daphne: Well, can't I be one of the cool people too? Justin: You're a freak. [Snorts] Lindsay: You know, you have real talent. Justin: Really? Lindsay: You should develop it. Maybe go to art school. Justin: I've been thinking about that. Lindsay: Well, if you ever need a recommendation. Justin: Thanks.Do you think Brian's going to come? Lindsay: Don't expect too much from him, okay? Justin: What's too much? Lindsay: Anything at all.You'll have lots of relationships, Justin, with lots of interesting people. I know you don't believe that right now, but you will. Justin: I just want him to see his picture framed, that's all. [WOODY'S] Michael: Are you sure you want to do this? David: Yeah, why not? I'll get a taste of your world; see what I'm saving you from.Just the same as I remember it. Even the guys look the same. Michael: Why'd you stop? David: It wasn't for me. And I met someone. Michael: Oh. David: Yeah, we were together almost six years. Michael: Wow. So, who left who? David: He died. Michael: I'm sorry. David: Nobody's fault. Emmett: Hi hon! [Giggling] So, is, uh... Is this the famous chiropractor? Michael: David, this is Emmett. David: Hi, Emmett. Emmett: Hello, gorgeous.So, um, so I've, um...I've got a little tightness right in here. One place I don't need it. Would you mind? David: I wouldn't mind at all if you made an appointment. Emmett: [Chuckling] Well, it's worth a shot. Michael: Where's Ted? Emmett: Out with the Pillsbury doughboy.Oh, my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot naked. Excuse me. David: [Chuckles] Doesn't hold anything back, huh? Michael: He was toning it down for you. Brian: Where the fck have you been? Michael: Brian, this is David. Brian: Oh, fck me, the new beau. David: I've heard a lot about you. Brian: And I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left. David: Excuse me? Michael: Nothing.You're tweaked, what are you on? Brian: Oh, E, K, GHB. Most of the letters on "Sesame Street." Michael: You're gonna get dehydrated taking all that sh1t. I'm gonna get you some water.Want a beer? David: Sure.Well, you've got him well-trained. Brian: Well, he takes care of me, and I take care of him.So, doc...do you fck all of your patients? David: Well, if you're referring to Michael, I released him from my care, before we went out together. David: [clears throat] What about you? What do you do? Brian: Advertising. David: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself. Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep. David: I bet you could. Brian: You know, Dave, what's weird about you meeting Mikey? David: "Mikey"? Brian: Is that we usually meet guys together. David: And they usually end up with you. Brian: The lucky ones. David: Debatable. Michael: So what'd I miss? David: Nothing special. [SCENE_BREAK] [TED'S CONDO] Ted: Okay, identify my favorite aria of all time and you instantly become my new favorite person. Roger: Oh, well, thanks for not putting any pressure on me.[Opera music]"Clemenzo di tito", Sesto's aria, act two. Come on, give me a tough one. Ted: Okay, stop trying to make me fall for you. Roger: Who's trying? Ted: You are the first person I've met in Pittsburgh who knows Sesto's aria. Roger: I'm the only other person who knows. Ted: You know, when I was a kid, I used to pretend I was sick on Saturday afternoons so I could skip little league and listen to the met opera broadcasts on the radio. Roger: Huh, I wish I'd known you. We could have listened together.[opera music continues]Is, uh, is this allowed? Ted: [Silently] Yeah. Only, uh...I'm not quite...ready yet. Roger: It's okay. Ted: But I will be soon. And, uh...I have a feeling it's going to be great.[opera music continues] [OUTSIDE WOODY'S] Michael: You had a hideous time, I can tell. David: [Laughing] Ah, I don't mind going out once in a while Michael: Are you implying that I'm a scene queen? David: You are a scene queen. Michael: We're in Pittsburgh, there is no scene. David: Yeah, so what's the big attraction? Michael: Well, if you don't go out, you don't meet people. David: You met me. Michael: Rare exception. Besides, my friends are here-- David: Your friends? Some friends. Your friend Brian tried to hit on me. Michael: He did not. David: I've been around the block. Michael: He's always like that. Besides, he was high. David: I'm just telling you. Michael: He wouldn't. David: He did. Michael: sh1t. Well, he can't have you. You're mine. David: Whoo! [BRIAN'S LOFT] Brian: I told you, I'm not going. Lindsay: I promised him you'd be there. Brian: Well, you should stop making promises that I can't keep. Lindsay: Hey, don't be a sh1t. I'm trying to clean up some of your mess. Brian: Look, he's the one that threw himself at me. I've been trying to get rid of him. Lindsay: Tell it to the judge. Brian: When did you start sounding like your girlfriend? Lindsay: It's time you became part of the community. Brian: Look, just because I fck guys does not mean I'm part of some community.And it doesn't mean I have anything in common with someone else who does. Lindsay: You know it's more than that. We need to take care of each other. Brian: I don't need to take care of anyone, and I don't need anyone to take care of me. Lindsay: One day you might. Brian: fck groups. Lindsay: I thought you did. Brian: Occasionally, but it's by invitation only. [GLC] [piano music] Daphne: Did you see this? They're charging $100 for every one of your drawings. You could be rich. Justin: It's charity. I don't get to keep it. Daphne: Still.[Sighing] and would you stop watching the door? Ted: He plays beautifully, doesn't he? Emmett: I'm all a-tingle. So have you two had sx yet? Ted: No. Would you keep your voice down? Emmett: Well, when are you? Ted: When we both know it's the right thing to do. Emmett: sx is never the right thing to do.Feeding the poor is the right thing to do.Hiring the handicapped is the right thing to do.Donating blood-- Ted: All right, all right, you made your point. Lindsay: Everyone loves your drawings. Melanie: You guys check out the food? Justin: I'm not hungry. Melanie: Okay. How about the cute guys? There's some right over there just about your age. Justin: He's here. Melanie: Mmm! Yippee. Daphne: Well, aren't you going to go over there? Justin: Are you crazy? Lindsay: Thanks for coming. Brian: Whatever. Where's the back room? Michael: Lindsay, this is David. Lindsay: Nice to meet you. David: Nice to meet you. Debbie: Whoo! Michael. Michael: Let's go check out the vg1n sculptures first, get it over with. Brian: The famous "art-eest." Justin: Did you see my stuff? Brian: No, I had to get a drink first. Justin: It's over there, in case you're interested. Brian: Psst. Michael: I think the artist has taken some liberties. Brian: Oh, that's a perfect likeness. Michael: Come on, it was never that big. Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time. Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and a half hours. Melanie: The Brian and Michael show. Blah, blah, blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns. David: Is it always like that? Michael running after him? Melanie: It's the greatest love story never told, trust me.Oh, what was your name?David: David. Melanie: Melanie.Trust me, David, long after you're gone, he'll still have Michael. Brian's little acolyte, poor guy.Oh, but don't worry. Michael can wait forever. Brian'll never fck him. Pardon my French. Michael: By the way, I heard you hit on David last night. Brian: [Chuckles] I couldn't have been that high. Michael: You were. And you did. Brian: I was testing him. I wanted to see if he'd drop you the first chance he got. Michael: Oh, yeah right. Brian: Aren't I always looking out for you? Michael: You're just jealous because somebody finally thinks I'm hot or something. Brian: You are hot or something.I've been telling you that since you were 14. But you won't believe me. David: So, I suppose I just keep him company while Michael waits. Melanie: Oh! Oh, sh1t!Oh, you're with Michael. David: Yeah. Melanie: Um, oh, Jesus, I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean that. I-I mean-- well, I-I mean Brian's the one that's always showing up with some new guy, so I just assumed that, um-- David: Don't worry about it. Melanie: Well, you know, they, they're--they love each other as friends, but that's it. That's really-- that's all it is. David: Really, it's not like I didn't know. Melanie: Do you wanta shrimp ball? David: No.Heh. Thanks. Melanie: [mouthing] Emmett: Now that's what I call a piece of art. Debbie: [snickering] I've always admired creative people. Emmett: You're pretty creative yourself there, missy. Debbie: [Scoffing] not me. But Michael, he's got a gift. Emmett: I didn't know he could draw. Debbie: Oh, he can't.I bought him tracing paper when he was a kid so he could copy his comic books. His Spiderman always ended up looking more like little orphan Annie. Emmett: Well, what's his talent? Debbie: Well, it's nothing he'd be famous for.You won't ever see his...paintings hanging in an art gallery or...hear him playing at Carnegie Hall.But when it comes to taking care of people--knowing what you need better even than you do--he's a fckin' Picasso. Roger: Beautiful light and shadow. Ted: Very...haunting. Roger: The photographer has a great eye. Ted: Strong...composition. Justin: You can't stay, you have to leave. Jennifer: Now, Justin, don't be mean. I've kept my end of the bargain. Now-now I would like to see my son's work. I won't embarrass you. I promise. Lindsay: Justin, is this your mother? Jennifer: Hi, I'm Jennifer. Melanie: Melanie. Lindsay: Lindsay.You know, your son's remarkably talented. You should be very proud. Jennifer: Well, thank you. I am.And what a beautiful baby. Lindsay: His name's Gus. Melanie: Actually, Justin's the one who named him. Jennifer: Really? Well, that was his teddy bear's name. Melanie: Aw! Oh, a teddy bear. Justin: Mom! Jennifer: Um, are you the mother? Lindsay: Uh, yes, but we're raising him together. Jennifer: Well, that's wonderful.I've never met lesbian mothers before.I mean, I-I read about you... them, in the papers all the time. Melanie: Yeah, seems like there's always some judge in Alabama trying to take our kids away. Lindsay: That's why I married a lawyer. [chuckles]Jennifer: Mm. Lindsay: Have you seen the art? Jennifer: Not yet. Where's your stuff, honey? Melanie: She came. That's huge. Roger: Tremendous energy. Ted: It really comes right out at you.Roger...I think I'm ready. Roger: I promised to play the piano. Ted: You're just volunteering. Roger: You're right. fck 'em! Brian: Who's that guy you drew? [TED'S CONDO] [Opera music] Roger: Oh, sorry! Ted: That's all right. [Clock Ticking ][opera music continues][Clocks Ticking] Ted: Ouch! Roger: I'm sorry. Ted: It's okay.[Many Clocks Ticking] Ted: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Roger: What? Ted: No, I-I can't. Roger: What is it?Is something wrong? Ted: It just won't work. I thought I could do this. I really did. I mean, you are so nice and smart and talented.And you play the piano beautifully. But.. Roger: Well? Go on, say it. Ted: You're just not my type. Roger: Type?Are you serious?God! I don't believe this. After all that?I thought you didn't want sx to be everything. Ted: Yeah, but...I'd like it to be something. Roger: You're just like all the others.[angry muttering] Where's my sock? Ted: Look, it's my fault, I admit it.I mean, I-I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I mean, you're a catch. Any straight woman would find you incredibly attractive. Roger: Oh, is that supposed to make me feel better? fck you. Ted: Look, I know we share all the important things--music, a sense of humor.This would be a totally appropriate relationship for me.The only problem is, is that sx isn't appropriate. Roger: You know, I was wrong.You're not like all the others, you're worse. Because you think knowing Sesto's aria from "Clemenzo Di Tito" somehow makes you better.Well, let me tell you, you're nothing but a pretentious, self-involved, boring asshole, who's still hanging around with younger guys who don't want you and never will.You're pathetic! Ted: And what about you?You know, after you conduct your 501st tribute to Sondheim, you might try going to a gym. You know, get on a treadmill for once in your life, would ya?And do something about your breath!Listen. I don't suppose we could still be friends. [BAR] Jennifer: So I thought, "okay, he's having... experiences."But with boys his own age. This... man, he must be in his thirties. Debbie: Well not yet, but I'll be happy to tell him you thought so. Jennifer: Well it's not right. Debbie: It happens. Jennifer: If his father finds out--Tell me about him, this... person. I have to know. Debbie: Brian Kinney. God's gift to gay PA.They all want Brian. But the good news is, no one can have him.He screws them, breaks their heart and they wise up.Well, most of them anyway. Jennifer: So, this, uh...Brian Kinney...he's going to hurt my son.What do I do? Debbie: Nothing.There's nothing you can do without making it worse. Jennifer: He's only 17. Debbie: How old were you the first time? Jennifer: Sixteen. Debbie: Fifteen.Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I've known Brian since he was 14. He hasn't changed much. In fact, I'd say he and Justin are pretty evenly matched. [Sighing] Jennifer: I don't know if I can be so accepting.Honey. Jennifer. You don't have too much choice. All you can do is hope that they'll be careful, and that they remember your phone number. Jennifer: [scoffs] Here. Debbie: Don't you dare. This is on me. Jennifer: Thanks. Debbie: Oh, here. Give him what he needs. [BABYLON] [music] Emmett: Admit it! You missed all this. Ted: The rampant narcissism, the sleaze, the drug use?I don't think so. David: So why'd you come back? Ted: When I figure it out, I'll let you know. Brian: Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom". Daphne: We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today. Justin: The one of you, naked. Michael: Who'd buy that? Emmett: Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you. Brian: Oh, Ted. How thoughtful. [music] Michael: Oh, my God, I used to love this song! Brian: Then, let's dance. Ted: I gotta pee. [music]Oo-oohYou can danceYou can jive Emmett: Okay, Dr. Feelgood.Let me see you shake your groove thang. Come on.[music continued]Watch that sceneDig in the dancing queen Emmett: Ooh, he can dance. He is gay, after all.[music continued]Friday night and the lights are lowLooking out for a place to goWhere they play the right musicGetting in the swing Michael: Anybody ever tell you you're a bad influence?You are--[music continued]Anybody could be that guyThe night is young and the music's highWhen you hear the right musicEverything is fineYou're in the mood for a danceAnd when you-- Blake: Hi. How you doing? Ted: Better. No thanks to you. Blake: Huh. I never really knew for sure what happened that night.So, uh, I figured you came out of it okay. I kept looking in the papers. Ted: Gee, that's...really thoughtful. Blake: I, uh...waited on the corner...after I called the paramedics, to make sure they came. Ted: You mean you called 9-1-1? Blake: I didn't want to stick around.I was afraid, you know, the drugs and sh1t. Ted: Right. Blake: I mean, you took so much, I was like, "whoa".Anyway...I'm glad you're okay. Ted: Well, uh...maybe we could, uh, get together again some time. Without the paramedics. [Chuckles] Man: There you are. What's taking you so long? Blake: Just talking to some guy. What's your name again? Ted: Ted. Blake: Ted, right.Yeah, I'll...see you later. Ted: See ya. Ted: Hey, how's it going? Man 1: Yo! Ted: Hi. How are you?Hi! Hey, how are--Hey, how's it going?It's a great little collar that you got. Man 2: As if.How's it going?You two are together, that's something. Emmett: Oh, my God, you did it in the little boys' room. Ted: Nope. Emmett: You got somebody's phone number? Ted: I was rejected by everybody.It's good to be back! Emmett: Let's get you a cocktail. Ted: Okay. Michael: Hey, hot stuff, you want to dance? David: I don't think so. Michael: Well, what do you want to do? David: Take you home.[Glass Breaking]Whoa, Whoa. Whoa, Whoa![Laughing] David: Captain Astro. [Moaning][Sighing][Moaning][Breathing loudly] David: Who are you thinking about? Michael: What? David: When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?[Drunken Giggling]	Plan: A: Michael's new chiropractor boyfriend; Q: Who gets into a tug of war with Brian over Michael? A: Roger; Q: Who does Ted start dating after he recovers from his O.D.? A: a stable but overweight chorus director; Q: What is Roger's occupation? A: Justin; Q: Who meets Lindsay? A: his artwork; Q: What is Justin's new girlfriend impressed with? Summary: Michael's new chiropractor boyfriend gets into a tug of war with Brian over Michael, as Ted recovers from his O.D. by dating Roger, a stable but overweight chorus director. Also, Justin meets Lindsay, who is impressed with his artwork.
Ted (2030): In November 2009, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily celebrated their first Thanksgiving in their own apartment. And Marshall had found the perfect turkey. Marshall out of a taxi, the phone to your ear. Marshall: It's beautiful. She is 10 pounds. It is organic. Do you remember my uncle Heinrek bald? Looks like his head squarely.(The taxi hand) Oh, my God! My my turkey... turkey! He runs behind the cab to try to catch up. Ted (2030): So when we got to the big day, Marshall was rather depressed. Ted and Robin arrive at Lily and Marshall where Barney is already there. Robin: We brought the turkey. Marshall: You have brought back an old turkey replacement.Why I have not listened to the message of former mayor Ed Koch saying not to forget my business. Robin Marshall, you do not understand. Ted: With Robin we went to the objects found in the prefecture and there, sitting in their fridge... Is this your turkey? Marshall: Yes! It's my turkey! Come here, my beautiful little enfoirée! Lily: I'll go put it in the oven. Marshall: You're the best friends in the world! Marshall takes Robin and Ted in his arms. Barney: It was a team effort. Barney is going to give them a hug but Ted pushes. Marshall: I do not know what to say. It's Thanksgiving, but "thank you" does not seem enough. Ted: You have done the same for us. Marshall: Yes, and you know why? Because I love you. And I'll show you how. Ted Mosby and Robin Scherbatsky, I bring you... the fourth slap. Barney: Wait. What? Ted (2030): Children Remember the slap bet to Marshall and Barney. Flashback At Ted's apartment... Ted (2030): When Barney lost, Marshall has earned the right to slap Barney five times as hard as he can. Until then, he had used three. The third was issued two years ago at Thanksgiving 2007. A day was appointed... Baffegiving. End flashback Ted: You're saying... Robin: What you think you say? Marshall: Certainly not. Unless you were thinking... "Baffegiving two: Revenge of the lower" in this case, yes, that's what I'm saying! Barney: The slaps are not transferable. Marshall: Lily is the curator of the bet. Lily: The slaps are transferable. Robin and Ted: Transferable. Robin: You realize that you will remain one. Are you sure you want to spend a day. Marshall: Life is short. I tell myself, Baffe Diem. A rule, the slap must be given before sunset to avoid interference dinner Lily. Lily: And how! Marshall: Two, you must decide which of you will. Three, we will attach to the chair Barney, now be called The Throne of Baffe. It fits you? Lily: Awesome. Barney: Absolutely not! Ted (2030): Everything was in place for this to be the best Thanksgiving. Until... We rang the doorbell. Lily: We expect someone else? Ted (2030): It was someone with whom Lily had had no contact in three years. Lily opens the door. Lily: Dad? GENERIC Ted (2030): Lily and her father, Mickey, have always had a difficult relationship. Flashback In 1998... Ted (2030): Mickey's dream was to invent the best game of American society. But his ideas were always weird. Lily Young: Doo-Dah? You missed my dance recital. Mickey: Yes, sweetie, but look! I just finished my new board game hit, "The Merchant of Sleep in Tijuana." Lily Young: Doo-Dah? You missed my meeting gymnastics. Mickey: Yes but it's good! "Car Battery. How long can you hold?"Hey, Princess. Take that. He shows clips to charge car batteries. Lily Young: Doo-Dah? I had a nightmare. Mickey: Well, just play the new game from Dad, "There is a demon clown under the bed." Lily by shouting. End flashback Ted (2030): All his life, Mickey disappointed Lily. And she did it with, so far in 2006, when Lily went to see his grandparents. Flashback In 2006, Marshall and Lily visit the grandparents of the latter. Marshall: Rita, you are anxious... to move to Florida? Rita: Well, my dear, slight change of plan. We stay here for now. Grandfather was a minor setback financially. Voice: The straw of my mini-juice broke! Man, hurry! What a nice surprise. Lily: What has happened with your apartment? Mickey: I had a little problem with my roommate. Lily: What has happened? Mickey: He wanted me to pay rent. It has ended badly. Lily: You should pay rent to live in the basement of your parents. Mickey: It's not my first choice. With the old schnoques up there it's a little disturbing. They do not understand the trick of the sock on the handle. Marshall: They surprised you with a girl? Mickey: In a sense. Grandfather soon sweetie. I go to work. Lily: Working? You are retired. Grandfather: Now that I have another mouth to feed I had to return to the mill. Where is my truss? Lily: You not only prevented them from moving to Florida but you obliged to rework grandfather? Mickey: Just the time to share my games with my Aldrin limitless SENSAS last game ', "Fighting dogs". Ted (2030): And Lily threw a glance at her father that Marshall had seen only a few times. A look that we all pray not to receive, his eyes "You're dead to me." End flashback Ted (2030): Which brings us back to Thanksgiving 2009. Mickey: I brought "The Disease"! Lily he closes the door in his face. Lily: What is he doing here? Marshall: I do not know but we should bring him in and discover. Lily: I want to see him! Returns it! Lily hand in the room while Marshall will open the door. Marshall: Stay there, okay? We will solve the problem. Mickey: Take your time, amigo. All is well as I "Of Diseases"!Having fun is contagious. Marshall closes the door. Robin: I hope Lily is well. Ted: Me too. She speaks little, but that thing with his father gave him much trouble. Barney: Tell me which of you is going to slap me! Ted: What? Barney: I die, I, here. Ted takes a chip, I jump! Robin arranges her hair, I jump! I jump all the time. It's bad for my skin. It gives me wrinkles. Wrinkles! Marshall and Lily are in the room. Marshall: Lily, go. It's been 3 years. This is long enough. Lily: The equity in my life brings me nothing but stress. It's easier that he is dead to me. Marshall: I've supported when our neighbor, Mr. Sias, died in your sight. Flashback Lily comes out on the landing and his neighbor is about to go home. Lily: This is our journal. Neighbor: You will have it in 15 minutes. 20 or more. I ate a steak last night. End flashback Marshall: And when Whitney, your maid of honor, had died in your sight. Flashback Lily prepares for her wedding. Robin: You're worth it! Female: The color is gorgeous! Lily: Thank you, girls. Whitney: I'm not a fan of strapless. End flashback Marshall: I even understood when Mr. Park to the grocery store downstairs was dead in your eyes. Flashback Lily is in a grocery store. Lily: A coffee, please. But only if it is decaf. I want to sleep tonight. Grocer: $ 1.50. Man: Coffee normal. Grocer: $ 1.50. Lily: I'm sorry. Are you sure mine is decaf? You used the same coffee. Grocer: I lied to him to him. Okay? Lily: OK (She leaves the grocery store, coffee in hand. In his bed while sleeping Marshall)... You dirty bstrd! (It returns in pajamas to the grocery store) It was not decaf! End flashback Marshall: I've supported with these unknowns, but it's your father, okay? We can at least give him some turkey? Lily: No. Marshall: Go. Please, I can not ask him to leave at Thanksgiving. Lily: You did not ask. Tell him it's just important that it is here. In less than two, it will be a games convention in Toledo, to give money to your dental apparatus in a so-called Milton Bradley. Marshall: He was trying to earn money to feed his family. Lily: No, that's what mom was doing with his two jobs. This man broke my heart every day for 20 years. Marshall: So we can give pieces of chicken not cooked. In the lobby of Marshall and Lily... Ted: Seriously Robin, you should have the slap. You're a big baffeuse. In fact, I want to study the slaps in your tutoring. I wanna be your apprentice-slap. Robin: Do not underestimate. You're a rock star of slaps. Your name should be Eric Baffe-PTON. Barney: This is torture. Put me in the chair... Ted: The Throne of Baffe. Barney: And finish it! Robin: It's all yours. Ted: No. To you, I insist. Robin: Okay, I will. Ted: Great. Wait, what? Robin: I say I'll slap. Ted: What, so it's... the end of the discussion? Robin: You said I could slap. Ted: I was polite. If someone will slap, it will be me. Robin: No, not at all. Barney: This is interesting. [SCENE_BREAK] In the room of Marshall and Lily... Marshall: It's your family. And I'm sorry but we do not separate the family. Lily: It's easy for you to say that, you come to the family the most ridiculously close to the world. Marshall: It is not ridiculously close. Lily: Really? And the Eriksen family dinner every Sunday? Flashback Marshall's parents, the family is at the table. Father: Everything looks delicious, mom Eriksen. Mother: Thank you, daddy bear. Marshall, will you say grace? Marshall, in video on the computer: Well, I would be happy, Mom. Everyone, please, give your hands. Dear Lord... End flashback Lily: I'm sorry but it's weird. Marshall: A family must be close like that. And I want our future family is. And that includes your father. Lily: I can not believe you take her part. Let me be clear. This man will never set foot in this house, ever! Marshall opens the door. Marshall: It will take about 5 minutes. Mickey, sitting on the floor: I hope it's soon. I lose the war against hemorrhoids. Marshall: It's a disease? Mickey: No. He closes the door. Then leaves the room to join Lily. Robin: We have one hour before sunset, and none of us baffera Barney. Ted: Let me do it. It was my idea to call the objects found in the prefecture. Barney: It's a good point. Rebuttal? Robin: I slipped a note of the type 20! Barney: philosophical riddle. Idea against execution. Itemize your arguments. Ted: I brought this large turkey so far. Robin: I paid the taxi. Ted: You've slept with one of my best friends! Robin: What? You said it was fine. Ted: Well, no! Robin: Why did not you say anything? Ted: Because I love you always! Robin: You really want to slap Barney the point of lying and pretending to be in love with me? Ted: I really want to slap! Lily brings the turkey on the table. Marshall: Your father has made mistakes in the past, but it has changed. He moved out of your grandparents. He has a job. He pays his taxes. Lily: Wait, how you know all this? Marshall: Gender, body language. Okay, we had a drink last week. Flashback Marshall is with McLaren's Lily's father. Mickey: I miss her so much. My little princess. She talks about me? Marshall: Yeah, kind, all the time. She tells this story all the time... Mickey: Never? Marshall: No, not a word. But that does not have to be like that.We can fix that, right? Mickey: I always thought it would arrange the marriage. I even wrote a speech. But hey, not invited '. Thin, I have not even seen the wedding photo. Marshall: And right before my eyes, your father broke down in tears. (Actually, it's Marshall who starts crying) Stop it! You come to Thanksgiving! End flashback Lily: You've invited?! Marshall: The poor man was sobbing. What could I do? A fool and called him a girl, what I found unjustified. Lily: I do not believe you. What gives you the right to do that? Marshall: You and I are married. So it is also part of my family.(Marshall will open the door for the third time) Enter. Lily left the apartment. Robin, Marshall, Ted and Mickey playing a game of it. Mickey: Ted, you should play quickly. Your gallbladder is about to explode. Marshall: It must be half an hour. We should get Lily. Mickey: You have to let it calm down. Finish the game. Barney: Repeat-a. The first seven! Ted: Robin sh1t! I knew Barney first. This is for me to slap. Robin: This slap is mine, Mosby. I never slap Barney... above the belt. Ted: I want to slap Barney since I met him! Robin: And I would not slap? Ted: One second. This slap was supposed to be a wonderful thing, a gift, and it has turned against each other. Robin: My God, you're right. This fruit has changed in immaculate slap-poisoned apple. You know what? Seriously, do it. Ted: Are you sure? Robin: Baffe-solument. Marshall: We should really get Lily. Mickey: Ted, gall bladder about to fart. Ted: It's decided. Barney, go. Come on the throne. Barney: You're gonna... Ted: Yep. Go. Barney: I guess this is the best choice, Robin. Finally... the men are stronger than women. Barney is on "the throne". Ted: Do not listen. It's decided. Barney: And that's what you always wanted, is not it? A strong man to take care of you? Of course, teenager, you were a feisty, playing hockey with the boys, you skinned your knees on the ice. But what you could say to your teammates... or even to yourself... that is all you really wanted was this pretty white dress in this beautiful white chapel. And at the end of the aisle strewn with pretty white flowers, a man to take care of all your slaps. Robin: Leads to me! Ted holds it. Ted: Robin! Pull yourself together! (The timer sounds and "something sprung from the game) What just happened? Mickey: Sorry, Ted. Explosion of the gallbladder. You stand back 3 spaces. Marshall: You come here and you watch your daughter go without care. And now you destroy the Thanksgiving dinner! Lily is on it since this morning! Mickey: Relax. This is not true of bile. It is of Chinese painting to lead. And bile horse. Ted (2030): And at that time, Marshall is launching a look at Mickey none of us had ever seen. Mickey: What is it? It does what? Ted: You have swallowed this painting? Marshall: This is my look "you're dead to me." Mickey: Yeah, Lily does it better... Marshall: Get out of my house! Marshall finds Lily at the grocery store. Marshall: In Mr. Park... I was not expecting to find you here. Lily, I'm sorry. Just let me express myself. I thought the family was right but it's wrong. It is a privilege, and it deserves it. I put your father out. And I promise you, baby, I do... you never force her to see him again. (Lily starts to cry) What? Baby, what has happened? Lily: Marshall, I came here because I was cold and it was the only place that was open. I would not even look at Mr. Park in the eye. And then I discovered that... Mr. Park's death. He really died for me. And if I feel so bad to have never forgiven Mr. Park, a guy who literally did not mean anything to me? We have to get my father. Marshall takes off his coat and gave it to Lily. Ted (2030): And that's the way to Thanksgiving 2009, your aunt Lily was a miracle. (Lily and Marshall arrive at the door of their apartment, when Mickey's father, Lily, was released. She throws herself into his arms) It has brought a man to life. Entire band, and the father of Lily are at the table. Marshall, tapping on a glass: Everyone. Before we begin, Barney, we'll need you on the throne of Baffe. Barney: Commissioner of the bet-Baffe, tie me to the chair is a violation... Lily: Less talking shop, more slaps. Marshall: You just 2 minutes. You decided which of you will be entitled to a slap in the face to Barney? It attaches to Barney "Throne". Robin: It's gonna be Ted. Ted: What? Why me? Robin: Last year you were abandoned at the altar. You lost your job. You did so along way. I am so proud of you, Ted. You deserve to slap someone in the face as hard as you can. Ted: Thank you. Barney: This is the worst. Ted gets up and is about to slap Barney when he stops. Ted: You just go through a break... and even though I know that you and Barney are remained on good terms, there is not a part of you, well hidden that wants to slap in the face? Robin: Yes Ted: I know. Barney: It's downright hell. Ted and Robin hug. Ted: Okay. Robin is about to slap... Barney: It hurts! Robin: I can not do it. I can not take that away from you, Ted. Ted: I do not either. Barney: thank you God. Robin: So, I want to move. Mickey? Barney: No way! Robin: I'm glad you and Lily try to fix things. You want to welcome into our family, I would like to offer you the slap. Mickey: Really? It's a bit weird for me, I just met Barney and I have nothing against him but how many times have we a chance to slap someone in the face? It stretches and then... Barney: Gently! Mickey: I'm sorry. I can not do it. Barney: thank you God. Mickey: I know I have not been a good father. Barney: You're kidding me. Mickey: So for all dance recitals that I missed, for all the art exhibitions that I should attend... for the wedding that I was not able to offer you... I give you, to you This slap. Barney: No. No, no, no, no. It is the Commissioner of the bet-Baffe. It must remain impartial! Lily: The Commissioner of the bet-Baffe says it's good. Barney: It's not good. Please... Let me... Lily: Close your eyes. It will soon be over. It warms the hand and stops. Barney: I'm running in a meadow. Lily: I can not do it. Why I can not do it? Marshall: Because... the slap did exactly what I hoped. It brought us together. And it forced us to recognize the weakness and at the same time the greatness in ourselves and in others. Barney: Stop your bullshit. Marshall: And so... there will not slap... of... today. It separates the Barney "Throne". Barney: This is the best Thanksgiving... Barney and Marshall gets up the slap, knocking him to the ground. Marshall: 4! So the turkey? Voices: A new home Aldrin Games, is... The Bet-Baffe! The game of happy slaps which is a box. (Children are playing, and a little boy slap a girl, then they laugh) You got slap. Right in the face, my friend... For children of all ages. You got slap. It really happened... Everyone saw! Everyone laughed and applauded because it was great... Boy: I won! Voice:... The way you got yourself slap. Baffez you like crazy with the Pari-Baffe, Aldrin in a carton. No child was slap while filming the ad.	Plan: A: The gang; Q: Who celebrates Thanksgiving with Lily's estranged father? A: Lily's estranged father; Q: Who does the gang celebrate Thanksgiving with this year? A: Chris Elliott; Q: Who is Lily's father? A: three years; Q: How long had Lily not spoken to her father? A: the chance; Q: What are Ted and Robin given to use Marshall's fourth Slap Bet slap on Barney? Summary: The gang celebrates Thanksgiving this year with Lily's estranged father ( Chris Elliott ) whom she hadn't spoken to in three years. Ted and Robin are given the chance to use Marshall's fourth Slap Bet slap on Barney.
[Scene: Underworld. A dark cave. Cole walks in, topless, holding a sword. He looks around. He sees the Source across the room, chanting with his back turned. Cole creeps towards him and is about to swing the sword.] The Source: Wait. (The Source faces Cole and lifts off his hood. It's Cole.) Cole/The Source: You don't really wanna kill me do you? Cole: But how... (Cole/The Source hits Cole and he lands on the ground. The sword flies up to Cole/The Source.) Cole/The Source: We're one now. I'm reborn, within you. Cole: I'll fight it. I'll kill us both if I have to. I won't let you hurt Phoebe. Cole/The Source: You won't have a choice. (He stabs Cole and he screams.) [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Cole wakes up from his dream with a fright. He looks over at Phoebe, who's sleeping.] Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper takes a tray out of the oven. She walks into the dining room where the table is covered with food. Leo is sitting at the table.] Piper: Voilá! Leo: Oh, it looks great, let's eat. Piper: Wait, where is everybody? Leo: I don't know. Pass the croissants please. (Piper takes off her apron.) Piper: I don't understand, we were all supposed to eat together. You know, celebrate. Leo: Sisters. Butter. Piper: Phoebe! Paige! (Paige orbs in and falls on Piper, knocking her to the ground.) Paige! (They stand up.) Wait, Paige, did you just orb in from another room? Paige: Yeah, obviously the landing could still use a little work. Piper: You've been practising this? Paige: Yeah, I didn't wanna say anything until I knew for sure I could do it. (She sees the food.) Uh, food, thank god, I am starving. (She sits down.) Leo: That's the orbing. It burns a lot of calories. Why do you think I married a chef? Piper: I-I can't believe your powers are already advancing. This is just another reason to celebrate. Paige: Mm, Leo, butter. (Leo passes the butter.) Leo: Mm, butter. You should try the frittatas they're great. Piper: You're both very welcome. Paige: Oh, thank you, honey. I just wanna eat fast so I can get to work on time for a change. Piper: Well, I understand but still, it's not everyday that we vanquish the Source of all evil. The least you could do is wait for Phoebe and Cole. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Oh, don't bother. Cole's not here and all I need is a caffeine IV. (She grabs a jug and pours herself some coffee. She sits down.) Piper: What is the matter with you people? Our mortal enemy is gone, dead. Is there nobody else besides me happy about this? (Paige gets up and puts her arm around Piper.) Paige: Absolutely, honey, I'm thrilled. Thank you for the spread, have a good day. (She leaves the room. The Elders call Leo.) Leo: Hm, I'm being summoned. Piper: What, now? What do they want? Phoebe: I don't know, maybe they want to congratulate you guys. Piper: But... Leo: Gotta run. (He orbs out.) Phoebe: Does he have to do that so brightly? Piper: Well, that'll teach me to try and be in a good mood. What's the matter with you? Phoebe: Mm, I don't know. I went to bed and I was really happy and then I woke up this morning and I just, I had this horrible feeling about Cole. Piper: Cole? Phoebe: Yeah, it's kinda hard to explain. It feels like a premonition that's trying to come out but it never quite does. But whatever it is it's not a good thing. Piper: Well, that doesn't sound supernatural, that sounds supernormal. You got cold feet. Every bride-to-be does. Trust me, even I did. Phoebe: Just like that? Overnight? Piper: Well, the only reason you haven't gotten married is because of the Source, and now that he is dead you are that much closer to taking that very long walk down the aisle. Phoebe: I don't know. It feels like there's something else. [Scene: Underworld. A cave. The Seer is there. Cole flames in. He looks around, frightened. He sees the Seer.] Cole: How did I get here? Seer: The Source's magic brought you. I see you accepting that very soon. (Cole goes over and grabs her around the neck.) Cole: You never told me I would become the Source if I help vanquish him! Seer: Don't be naive. I told you of my vision. Of you and I doing great things together, this is just the beginning. (He falls to his knees.) You can not change your fate. As you can see the evil within you wont allow it. Cole: I'll fight it, I'll kill it. I'll find a way. Seer: There is no way. If you weren't clinging to the love for your witch so vigorously, it would've over taken you by now. It is only a matter of time and after the Source has fully inseminate you, his power will protect you, shield you from her premonitions. That we can wait for, unfortunately with Kurzon we can not. (Cole stands up.) Cole: Kurzon? Seer: The underworld's in chaos. The Source is presumed dead and Kurzon will attempt to fill that void. We must stop him or you will never reclaim the throne. Cole: I don't want the throne. Seer: You will, but at the moment you're not strong enough to vanquish Kurzon. The Charmed Ones however are. Cole: And what, you expect them to just go after him? Seer: No, I expect to make Kurzon think they will so he'll retaliate. And I expect you to make sure the witches are prepared to vanquish him before he can vanquish them. Cole: I won't do your bidding, Seer. You can't force me. Seer: Perhaps not. But the Source can. (Cole flames out.) [Cut to the manor. Bathroom. Cole flames in. He looks in the mirror and exhales. He walks into the hallway where Phoebe is and gives her a fright.] Phoebe: Whoa! Cole: Sorry. Phoebe: I didn't hear you come home. Cole: I just got back. Phoebe: From where? Cole: I had to, uh, get out of the house for a while, you know. Phoebe: No, I don't know. Do we need to talk? Cole: Phoebe, I... Ahh. (He holds his head.) Damn it. Phoebe: What's the matter? (She touches him but he pulls away.) Cole: Uh, nothing. It's just a migraine, I gotta go. Phoebe: Cole, where are you... (He walks away.) Cole. (She sighs. Piper enters the hallway.) Piper: What's the matter? Phoebe: I wish I knew. [Scene: An old warehouse. Demons are standing around Kurzon.] Kurzon: It is a new era, my friends. Our enemy is dead and our exile is nearing an end. The tasks that I assign to you are vital to our cause. Complete them today and tomorrow we can all return home. (The demons disappear except for Kurzon and one demon. The Seer walks in.) Seer: You will not live to rule the underworld. Kurzon: Have you seen my future, Seer? Seer: A lone but powerful witch will soon be on your trail. You must kill her now while she is still vulnerable. Demon: Her loyal is with the last Source. Don't trust her. Kurzon: And why would you want to help me? Seer: Because I've always allied myself with ultimate power. And if you kill this witch, nothing can stop you from becoming the next Source. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige walks into Mr. Cowan's office. He is sitting at his desk.] Paige: You wanted to see me, Mr. Cowan? Mr. Cowan: Yes. (He stands up.) I'm gonna miss you, Paige. Paige: I know I was late this morning, I won't be anymore. In fact, I've found out a way to get here in a blink of an eye. Mr. Cowan: I'm gonna miss you as an assistant. Because I'm promoting you to social worker. Paige: Thank you so much. That's so amazing. I, I am sticking to that not being late thing by the way. Mr. Cowan: Oh, you don't have to worry, you have a flexible work schedule now. Paige: God, that just caught me off guard, I thought Scott was next in line for the promotion, he has been here longer. Mr. Cowan: Mmm, it was a tough call, but after you helped Caroline Seldon, I couldn't pass you over. Paige: Caroline. Mr. Cowan: You worked a miracle with her. Paige: Not that I'm complaining but my promotion isn't based solely from her case is it? Mr. Cowan: Well, if you ask me whether Caroline's case helped tip the scales in your favour, then the answer is yes. I already told Scott if that's what you're worried about. Paige: (whispers) It's personal gain. Mr. Cowan: Excuse me? Paige: Thank you, thank you, Mr. Cowan. (She leaves his office and walks past Scott's desk.) Scott: Congratulations, Paige. Paige: Thanks, Scott. (She sits down at her desk and sighs and groans.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is there looking at the Belthazor page in the Book of Shadows. Piper walks in.] Piper: What are you doing up here? Phoebe: Nothing, just thinking. Piper: About... Phoebe: Cole. Piper: He's a human now, you're not gonna find the answers you're looking for in that book. Phoebe: Well, I've gotta find them somewhere because I'm starting to get scared. Piper: Well, of course you're scared, getting married is a huge step. Phoebe: I know that. It just feels like it's more than that. Piper: Have you tried talking to him? Phoebe: Yes, of course I have. He just keeps avoiding me like he did when he was... (She points to the Belthazor page.) Piper: Belthazor is dead. Cole is a man now. A man that you love more than anything else in the world. Phoebe: I know. So why am I so damn confused all of a sudden, it's killing me. Piper: Maybe you're right, maybe you do need the book. What good is being a witch when you can't use a little magic when you're hurting. Phoebe: I can not believe that you're suggesting that. What about personal gain? Piper: Well, just word the spell properly, avoid it, you should know how to do it by now. Just be pure, ask your heart for the answer. Just don't tell Paige. I don't want her thinking she can do it too. (Piper leaves the attic.) [Cut to the foyer. Paige walks in through the front door. Piper comes down the stairs.] Paige: Ugh, I hate it when you're right. Piper: Really? See I usually like it. Paige: Remember that spell that I cast last week, the one to help Caroline get her son back? Well, it had a little side effect. Piper: What kind of side effect. Paige: The one that gets me promoted. I know, personal gain, I've already beat myself up over it, you don't have to. (Kurzon appears behind Piper in the dining room.) Demon! (Paige pushes Piper out of the way. Kurzon throws an energy ball.) Energy ball! (The energy ball orbs out and back in in Paige's hand. She throws is back at him, missing. He throws another at Paige and she orbs out. She orbs back in in mid-air and falls down.) Piper: Enough of this. Bye-bye. (She blows him up but he gets put back together.) Uh-oh. Kurzon: Two witches. Damn her! (He disappears. Piper gets up.) Piper: Okay. Paige, are you okay? (Paige gets up.) Paige: I'm fine, I'm fine. It's my ego's a little bruised, that's all. Piper: That was odd. Paige: Yeah. Piper: Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Leo: What happened? Paige: Oh, same old. Demon tried to kill us. Piper: Yeah, a very powerful demon, strangely Source-like. Can't we get a freakin' day off around here? Leo: Well, that's why the Elders summoned me. The Source's death has created a power struggle in the underworld, and killing you means direct ascension to the throne. Piper: Ugh. Paige: So vanquishing the Source meant nothing? Leo: Well, it meant a lot actually. It set back evil decades but that doesn't mean it made you any less of a target. Piper: Yeah, but this demon didn't even seem to know who we were, which by the way I find insulting. Leo: Well, he knows now which means you better figure out who he is before he tries again. Paige: Attic. Piper: Mm. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe's there sitting at a table. She writes 'Should I marry Cole?' on a piece of paper and scrunches it up. She stands up and lights the paper.] Phoebe: "Where love is strong my spirit weak, it is an answer that I seek, the question burns within this fire, so I may hear my heart's desire." (Piper, Paige and Leo walk in.) Piper: Phoebe? We have a... (Phoebe puts the burning paper in a bowl and it explodes. Phoebe gasps.) Paige: Phoebe? (Two tunnels of wind appear in the attic.) Phoebe: What? (An elderly woman and a little girl appear.) Elderly Woman: What's going on? How did I get here? Piper: That's an excellent question. Elderly Woman: Oh my god, what have you done? Phoebe: Me? Wh-Who are you? Elderly Woman: What's the matter? Don't you recognise me? I'm you. Phoebe. Little Girl: Phoebe? That's my name too. Phoebe: Oh, boy. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Continued from before. Little Phoebe is getting frightened.] Little Phoebe: Who are you people? And how did I get up here? Phoebe: You don't have to be scared of us, honey. Everything's gonna be okay. (to Piper) Any ideas? Piper: It's your spell, don't look at me. (Little Phoebe runs over to the window.) Phoebe: It was your idea. Paige: Excuse me? Old Phoebe: You might wanna stop her before she climbs out the window. Phoebe: Whoa! (She runs over to Little Phoebe who's half way out the window.) Sweetie, hi, come here. (She pulls her back inside.) Hi, I can explain. You are dreaming. Piper: Dreaming? Phoebe: Yes, dreaming. And you're gonna wake up in your room and everything's gonna be fine. Little Phoebe: I'm ten, I'm not stupid. Grams! (She runs out of the attic. Cole walks in.) Piper: Wow, I do not miss that. Cole: What's going on? Old Phoebe: Cole. Cole: Who are you? Old Phoebe: Maybe this will refresh your memory. (She walks over and slaps him across the face.) You bstrd. Phoebe: What was that all about? Old Phoebe: Ask him. Leo: Uh, maybe we should go look for Little Phoebe before she escapes into 2002. Piper: Yes, we will do that and you talk to your future self. And fix this, fast. Cole: Future self? Leo: Uh, what about the demon? Phoebe: What demon? Piper: Uh, we were attacked downstairs. Paige. Paige: I'm there. (She goes over to the book.) Cole: You wanna tell me how she got here? Phoebe: I cast a spell to hear my heart's desire and I guess my past self and my future self showed up to help me listen. Cole: And what desire did you wanna hear? Phoebe: Well, that's between me and... me. Come on. (Phoebe heads for the door.) Old Phoebe: Worried? (Phoebe and Old Phoebe leave.) Paige: Dude, maybe you can help. We're looking for a demon that can reconstitute himself like the Source. (Cole flames out.) Anyone come to mind? Cole? (She looks around to find him gone.) Can't anybody help me? [Cut to the underworld. In a cave. Cole flames in. The Seer is there.] Seer: Welcome back. Cole: I didn't wanna come back. Seer: And yet you have. The Source is getting stronger in you. Cole: I've got him under control. Seer: Or is it the other way around? There must be something he wants you to tell me. Cole: Maybe it's that your plan is gonna fail because he knows Phoebe's conjured up her own way to seeing into the future. Her future self. Somebody who will be all too willing to tell her what I can't. What's the matter? You didn't see that coming? Seer: I don't need to see the future to know about good witches. They're overly cautious by nature. Her future self will be too afraid to say anything that might make things worse for her and her sisters. She'll preserve the future. Cole: How do you know? Seer: I've been a Seer longer than you've been the Source. You'll learn to trust my instincts. Cole: I'm not the Source. Seer: But you will be very soon. It's your destiny. Cole: My destiny is to be with Phoebe. (He grabs her.) Nothing will change that and neither will that thing inside of me. Seer: Your love won't be enough to save you in the end. You'll see. Kurzon will be attacking them again very soon. This time more prepared. You'd better hurry back, if you want them to survive. (Cole flames out.) [Cut to the manor. Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe's there. Old Phoebe walks in and picks up a skimpy top.] Old Phoebe: Uhh, the good ol' days. Of course nobody's gonna take you seriously until you stop dressing like a tramp. Phoebe: A tramp? Ugh, that is so in right now. Old Phoebe: Oh, you'll learn. Phoebe: Learn what? (Old Phoebe picks up a photo album and sits on the bed. She opens it up.) Old Phoebe: Oh, look at us. We had such promise. Phoebe: Okay, what do you mean? Does something bad happen to me? I-I mean us? Okay, you know what? I don't have time for games, okay. There is a demon... Old Phoebe: Don't talk to me about demons. I know plenty about demons. Phoebe: Okay, then please, tell me what you know about Cole. Look, I'm about to marry him and I have this really bad feeling. Do you remember feeling like that? Old Phoebe: Oh, I remember. But I won't change the past. Phoebe: No, but this isn't the past, this is the present. Old Phoebe: But it's my past. And I intend to keep it that way. Phoebe: You know, I already saw you slap him across the face. So that's a pretty big coming attraction for my life, don't you think? Old Phoebe: That was between him and me. Phoebe: I know, but you are me. Oh, okay, um... Can you give me a little hint? Do you guys get divorced? Does he, um, does he cheat on you? Did you ever get married? Old Phoebe: What makes you think we aren't married in the future? Phoebe: Because there's no wedding ring on your finger. Please tell me what happened. Look, the spell wouldn't have worked if you weren't allowed to tell me. Old Phoebe: I didn't need a spell to decide what to do. You must make this decision without using magic. Just like I did. Phoebe: Yeah, and that worked real well for us I see. Old Phoebe: Just ask Leo to send me back. As soon as possible. Phoebe: Why don't you ask him yourself? Old Phoebe: Because I'm staying here out of the path of history. And don't argue with me. We both know that when our mind's made up, there's no changing it. Phoebe: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Little Phoebe is hiding in the corner, blocking her ears. Piper and Leo are trying to get her out.] Little Phoebe: "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream..." Piper: Honey, you have to listen to me. Little Phoebe: "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream." Piper: We're just trying to help. (Little Phoebe repeats the song. Piper groans.) Leo: She's your sister. Piper: Yeah, don't remind me. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Having a little trouble with young Phoebe? Piper: Yeah, enough to make me reconsider having children. Maybe we should just lie to her again. Phoebe: No. I think I have an idea. (She goes over to Little Phoebe.) Little Phoebe: Stay away from me or I'll sick Prue on you. Piper: Oh, yeah, don't go there. Phoebe: Phoebe, listen to me. I know that this is scary but I promise you you are safe here in this house. In your house. Our house. You know how Grams talks about magic all the time? And she likes to say anything's possible as long as you believe in it. Little Phoebe: Yes. Phoebe: Well, that's what happened. Magic brought you here, to your future. See that girl over there? That is Piper all grown up. (Her eyes widen.) Yeah! And that is her husband Leo. Mm-hm. And I am... Little Phoebe: Me? Phoebe: Yeah. I wanna show you something. (She holds up her photo album.) Do you remember this? Daddy sent it to you and me for Christmas. Little Phoebe: My album! Phoebe: Yeah, except it starts with pictures of you and it goes all the way back here to pictures of me. Why don't you go take it over there and look at it. (Little Phoebe goes and sits on the couch.) Leo: Nicely done. Phoebe: Ooh, yeah, at least I could get through one of my selves. Piper: Having problems with geriatric you? Phoebe: I know that woman up there is me when I'm old, but there is nothing familiar about her. I-I don't know how I got so... mean. Leo: She doesn't have any idea how to reverse the spell? Phoebe: No, she doesn't even remember casting it. How does that happen? Leo: The future changes with every choice we make. Some choices change it more than others. All that matters is she's here for a reason. They bother are. Phoebe: Yeah, but why? What's the reason? Piper: To help you listen to your heart. Leo: And until you do, they won't return to their times. Phoebe: I don't think they're ever going to because old Phoebe is not letting go of this grudge about Cole. (Cole walks in.) Cole: Talking about me? Little Phoebe: Oh my gosh. Who are you? Cole: Sorry? Phoebe: That guy is Cole. He's our fiancé. Little Phoebe: Wait, you mean he's our prince? The one who sweeps us off our feet. (Piper laughs.) Phoebe: She's talking about Cinderella. That was my favourite story when I was growing up. I can't believe that I forgot about that. Leo: Well, maybe that's why she's here, to help you remember. (Little Phoebe smiles at Cole.) Cole: (to Phoebe) Don't you think you should help Paige find out who the 'visitor' who dropped in was, before he drops in again. Leo: Good idea. Phoebe: Okay. (to Little Phoebe) We'll be right back. (to Cole) Uh, keep her company will you? (She kisses him on the cheek.) Cole: Yeah, sure. (They all leave. Little Phoebe smiles at Cole.) Hi. [Scene: Old warehouse. Kurzon is there. The Seer appears. Kurzon spins around and points a knife at the Seer.] Kurzon: You sent me up against the Charmed Ones. What do you take me for? Seer: I foresaw only one witch. How was I to know who she was? Kurzon: That mistake will cost you your life. Seer: Don't be foolish. Every Source has needed me. My visions have brought them all great power. I can do the same for you. Kurzon: Speak quickly. Seer: I can help you destroy the power of three with one simple move. I can make you the next Source. Demon: It's another trick. Seer: If it were, why would I have risked my life to come here? (He puts down the sword.) One of the witches has cast a spell, brought her past self into the present. She's a powerless child vulnerable to attack. Kuzon: So? Seer: So kill the child and the present witch is no more. The entire line is extinguished and with it the Charmed Ones. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Paige shows them the Kurson page in the Book of Shadows.] Piper: That's him. Phoebe: "Kurzon is an enemy of the Source who was banished from the underworld for inciting a failed coup." I don't understand, why didn't they just kill him? Leo: Probably because it's not that easy to do. You guys are gonna need the power of three. Paige: But if he's the enemy of the Source, doesn't that make him our ally? Piper: No, he's still evil, he's just a different kind of evil. (They hear Little Phoebe scream downstairs.) Phoebe: Phoebe. [Cut to the living room. Cole, Kurzon and Little Phoebe are there. Little Phoebe is screaming and then faints. Kurzon goes to throw a fireball.] Cole: No! (Cole blocks little Phoebe and the energy ball hits him. Kurzon looks surprised.) Leave the girl alone. Kurzon: Belthazor? I thought you were dead. Cole: He is. (A dagger materialises in Cole's hand and he throws it at Kurzon. Kurzon pulls it out.) Kurzon: It'll take more than that to stop me. Cole: Very well. (He throws a fireball at him, knocking him down. Kurzon gets back up.) Kurzon: The Source. (Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo run down the stairs. Kurzon disappears.) Phoebe: Cole! (She runs over to little Phoebe.) Cole: She's alright, she just fainted. (Little Phoebe wakes up.) Phoebe: Are you okay? Little Phoebe: Yeah. I think so. (to Cole) You saved me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Everyone's there.] Little Phoebe: It was so scary. He just came out of nowhere. And then everything went black. (Paige hands her a glass of water.) Paige: Here you go, sweetheart. Little Phoebe: Thanks. (She takes a sip.) Who are you? Paige: Me? I'm Paige, your... Phoebe: Cousin. She's our cousin from mum's side. Piper: But we think of her as a sister. Phoebe: We'll explain it to you when you're older. Little Phoebe: What about that scary man? Where'd he go? Phoebe: You don't have to worry about him anymore, sweetie. Leo: Doesn't she? Piper: Leo. Leo: I'm sorry, but we can't risk her running into Kurzon again, she's Phoebe's past. Phoebe: And Cole saving her means that he saved me too. Little Phoebe: Hello! He loves us, remember? Leo: I think I should take Little Phoebe someplace, someplace safe. Paige: Do you really think Kurzon will come back? Cole: I do. I mean, why wouldn't he? He didn't fulfil his objectives. Phoebe: He's right. (to Little Phoebe) Okay, you're gonna have to go with Leo for a little while, but don't worry he'll keep you safe. Little Phoebe: I don't wanna leave. Phoebe: I know, but it's just for a little while, okay. It's for your own good. Come on. Leo: Come on, take my hand. (She walks over to him.) Now hold on tight. Little Phoebe: Are we going on a plane? Leo: No, but you might see some clouds. (Leo orbs out with Little Phoebe. Paige picks up the glass and heads for the kitchen. She sees the dagger on the floor and picks it up.) Paige: Where'd this come from? Cole: That-that's Kurzon's, he tried to stab me with it but I got it away from him. Paige: Really? You got it away from a demon? That's impressive. Piper: Why didn't he use his powers on you? Cole: Who knows? The point is I stabbed him which means we have enough of his blood to scry for him. (The girls look suspiciously at him.) Paige: Yeah, I'll go get a map and a crystal. (Paige leaves the room.) Piper: Do you think Kurzon's targeting little Phoebe? Phoebe: Why would he? Piper: Well, the same reason Leo said, because she's you. And if he kills her then there's no Charmed Ones. Phoebe: But how could he know I conjured her? Piper: He's psychic? Cole: Or maybe the Seer tipped him off. Phoebe: The Seer? You think she's involved? Cole: Wouldn't surprise me. Phoebe: Well, that's just great. Okay, well, we're gonna need a vanquishing spell. Cole, go with Piper, help her, tell her everything you know about Kurzon. (She stands up.) Piper: Where you going? Phoebe: Well, I'm gonna go try knock some sense into myself. [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Old Phoebe is looking at a picture of Cole and Phoebe. Phoebe storms in.] Phoebe: We need to send you back fast. Old Phoebe: Fine with me. Phoebe: Not for your sake, for all of ours, especially little Phoebe's. And the only way for you to do that is to answer the question that I asked when I cast the spell. Should I or should I not marry Cole? Listen to me, a demon attacked downstairs and nearly killed Little Phoebe, which means he nearly killed us too. Old Phoebe: Oh, I know what that means. Phoebe: Then why won't you answer the question? Old Phoebe: Because if I were to say something that could change the future, other lives could be at stake too, not just ours. Phoebe: Yeah, well, maybe you're supposed to change the future. Maybe that's why you were sent here. If there is one belief that you and I still have in common, it's that magic happens for a reason. Isn't it possible that you've been given a second chance? Old Phoebe: To do what? Phoebe: To keep me from turning into a bitter old lady like you. Please, I have lost so much already. Don't make me lose myself too. Old Phoebe: Sorry, I can't. Phoebe: Then I guess you've dimmed us both. (Phoebe leaves the room.) [Cut to the conservatory. Piper, Paige and Cole are there. Piper is writing a spell, Paige is scrying and Cole is pacing.] Cole: (to Piper) Are you done with that spell yet? Piper: Almost. Could you please stop pacing, it's very distracting. Cole: No. (Phoebe walks in and sits beside Piper.) Piper: How'd it go? Phoebe: I still can't get through to her. Cole: She didn't say anything about the future? Phoebe: Nope. She's worried about the consequences of changing it. Paige: But she is your future, you can't change that. Piper: Yes we can. Our last trip to the future proved that. Phoebe's not burning at the stake anytime soon. Paige: Well, maybe you'll let me cast Phoebe's spell and get myself my own sneak preview. Find out what happens if I take that promotion or not. Phoebe: You got promoted? Piper: Yeah, by the way of a spell and her friend Scott got stuck with the consequence. Phoebe: Uh-oh, personal gain. Cole: If you don't vanquish Kurzon soon he'll become the next Source, the all of a sudden personal gain won't be so important because you'll all be dead. (The crystal points to a spot on the map.) Paige: Got him. He's across town. Piper: Okay, bring the crystal, we'll track him on the way. (They get up.) Phoebe: (to Cole) I would stay out of my bedroom if I were you. Unless you wanna get slapped again. (She kisses him.) Cole: Be careful. Paige: Aren't you coming? Cole: What can I do? I'm not a demon anymore. (The girls leave. Cole flames out.) [Cut to the underworld. A cave. The Seer is there. Cole flames in.] Cole: Look at me. Look at me! (She turns around.) You sent Kurzon to kill Phoebe. You betrayed me. Seer: For your own good. Your love for her was the only thing holding you back. The only thing keeping you from accepting full power of the Source. (A fireball appears in his hand. The Seer backs away.) Don't you understand? With her gone we wouldn't need the Charmed Ones to kill Kurzon. You'd be able to kill him yourself. Cole: Phoebe can't die, otherwise his soul dies too. His love for her is too strong and I'll need that strength to recapture what I lost. Seer: His love? The Source is finally showing through I see. You'll have to kill her eventually, our plan depends on it. Cole: It's your plan, not mine. I want Phoebe alive and the next time you betray me... (He throws the fireball near the Seer.) I won't miss. (He flames out.) [Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Old Phoebe is there. Cole flames in.] Old Phoebe: Hello, Cole. I've been expecting you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Continued from before.] Old Phoebe: What's the matter, Cole? Afraid I'll tell the girls your little secret. Cole: What do you want from me? Old Phoebe: My life for starters. Cole: You look alive to me. Old Phoebe: On the outside maybe. Cole: I can fix that. Old Phoebe: You can't kill me, Cole, you never could. Even after the Source took you over, a piece of you always loved me. Cole: That's not always enough. Old Phoebe: Yes it can be. I never married you, Cole, I called it off. And once I found out you were the Source, my sisters and I had to vanquish you. Cole: Why are you telling me this? Old Phoebe: Because I've spent most of my life wondering what would happen if we had married. It could have been different for both of us. Cole: Well, it's too late for that now. Old Phoebe: Maybe not. That's why I've come to you first. Before I risk everything. I have to know if there is a chance to save you. Cole: I'm not sure there is. Old Phoebe: So you won't even try? Cole: I want to, but he won't let me, he's too strong. Phoebe: Then I'll tell Phoebe the truth. I'll convince her to save you, save us. Cole: But if you change the future, Phoebe might die sooner and so might her sisters. Old Phoebe: Magic happens for a reason, Cole. I don't have faith in much anymore, but I do believe that. I have to trust that I'm meant to change this. Cole: You think you're meant to save me? Old Phoebe: Phoebe reminded me that I've once had hope, that we had love. That's why I'm doing this, to keep her from living a life of regret like I lived. (Kurzon appears.) Kurzon: Aww, I'm not intruding am I? [Cut to a street somewhere. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are parked there. They lay the map on the hood of the car. Paige starts scrying.] Piper: I can't believe we lost him! Paige: Oh, god, just give me a second. Phoebe: Alright, he might be still in the area. Paige: He's at the house. Phoebe: We'll never make it back in time. (Piper gets an idea.) Paige: Don't look at me. Piper: Why? You did it this morning. Paige: Barely, I went downstairs, alone, not across town with two passengers. Phoebe: Okay, well, Paige, he'll kill Cole, we have to try. (They join hands and Paige orbs out with Phoebe.) Piper: Hey! (Piper goes too.) [Cut to the manor. Kurzon throws an energy ball at Cole. He falls to the ground. Cole throws a fireball at Kurzon, missing. Old Phoebe helps Cole up.] Cole: I'm okay. (Kurzon disappears and reappears behind them. He charges at them with a sword.) Old Phoebe: No! (She stands in front of Cole and Kurzon stabs her. He pulls the sword out and swings it at Cole. Cole grabs him and they struggle across the room. The girls orb in.) Piper: Spell, spell, spell, quick-quick-quick. (She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket.) Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Hell threw you from its inner core, but earth won't hold you anymore, since heaven cannot be your place, your flesh and blood we now erase!" (Kurzon catches on fire and is vanquished. Phoebe goes over to old Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh, no. Leo! Just hold on. Hold on. Cole: She saved me. Old Phoebe: (to Phoebe) There's your answer. (Leo orbs in with Little Phoebe.) Phoebe: Leo, please, please, please, please. (Leo rushes over and tries to heal her.) Leo: She's gone. (Old and Little Phoebe disappear.) Paige: What happened? Piper: The spell played out. You heard what you needed to hear. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Paige and Leo are there.] Paige: Speaking of orbing up there, when do I get to do that? Leo: Well, you shouldn't be in such a rush, you should be proud of what you accomplished. You saved the day. Paige: I didn't save everyone. Leo: No, but that's the great thing about the future, there's always time to change it. Paige: So Phoebe won't die that way? Piper: No, if I know Phoebe and I do, she's not gonna let her future turn out that way. Paige: Yeah, but what about little Phoebe? She went back to her time with all this knowledge of the future. Won't that cause complications? Piper: I doubt it. The minute she starts talking about magic, Grams will do some hocus pocus to erase all that knowledge. Paige: That's nice. Piper: That's Grams. Paige: Well, I'm done, I am off to bed. I have a future of my own to change tomorrow. (She heads for the door.) Piper: Have you decided what to do about your promotion? Paige: Yeah, I'm gonna turn it down. Piper: Hmm, what changed your mind? Paige: The three Phoebe's. She used magic to change her future but I used magic to change Scott's and that's not fair. I did the rhyme, I will do the time. Goodnight. (She leaves.) Leo: So what do you think Phoebe's gonna do about Cole? Piper: I don't know, but I don't think we're gonna have to wait forty years to find out. [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe's there looking at a photo of her and Cole. Cole walks in.] Phoebe: Hi. Cole: I just, um... Phoebe: Had to get out of the house? Cole: Yeah, something like that. Phoebe: Well, at least you came back. Cole: You didn't think I would? Phoebe: I don't know. Um, (she sits on the bed) I've been having a lot of crazy thoughts lately, about us, and I guess I just thought that maybe you were feeling the same way too. I never told you why I cast that spell did I? Cole: I thought it was to hear your heart's desire. Phoebe: It was to find out if I should marry you or not. Cole: Oh. And? Phoebe: Do you still want to? Cole: Well, it's still apart of my plans that's for sure. Phoebe: Mine too. It's not that I don't still have cold feet, it's just hearing my past self remind me of Cinderella, and seeing my future self willing to... willing to die for you. Cole: I'm willing to die for you. Phoebe: I'm gonna ask you a question and all I want is a straight answer, okay? Can you do that? Cole: Okay. Phoebe: Is there something that you're not telling me? About you? Something that I don't know? (He sits next to her.) Cole: No. (They hug.) [Cut to the underworld. The Seer is spying on Phoebe and Cole. She smiles.]	Plan: A: a case; Q: What did Phoebe get of cold feet about marrying Cole? A: Cole; Q: Who gets possessed by the Source? A: Phoebe; Q: Who casts a spell to gain guidance about her future? A: an innocent child; Q: When was Phoebe when she cast the spell? A: the present; Q: Where does Phoebe bring her future self to? A: Kurzon; Q: What is the name of the evil demon that attempts to align with the Seer to become the next Source? A: the Power of Three; Q: Kurzon is sent on a mission to destroy what? A: a social worker; Q: What job did Paige get promoted to? A: a personal gain; Q: What does Paige worry her promotion could be seen as? A: the job; Q: What did Paige's co-worker pass up for? Summary: After getting a case of cold feet about marrying Cole, Phoebe decides to cast a spell where she brings her future, cynical self and herself when she was an innocent child to the present in order to gain some guidance as to what she should do. Meanwhile, Cole gets possessed by the Source and eventually becomes unable to resist doing his bidding. An evil demon called Kurzon attempts to align with the Seer to become the next Source and is sent on a mission to destroy the Power of Three. At work, Paige gets promoted to a social worker. However, worried that what she did in order to be promoted could be seen as a personal gain, she attempts to make things right with her co-worker that was passed up for the job.
THE ANDROID INVASION by Terry Nation Part Two 5:45pm - 6:10pm [SCENE_BREAK] (Recap from last episode: Int. Space Defense Centre. The jumpsuited androids show the Doctor into a hallway that is featureless except for the door they came through, a telephone on the wall, and an intercom thingy. As they disappear off camera, Sarah follows them into the hallway, being careful to close the door quietly behind her. The androids lock the Doctor into a holding cell. There is no complicated locking mechanism; just three bolts slid back manually from the outside. Once the jumpsuits have gone, Sarah creeps up to the cell. We get a great close-up of her straw platform shoes with sparkly beads - very 70s. She checks to make sure the coast is clear, then whispers into the cell...) SARAH: (sotto voce) Doctor? Doctor, can you hear me? (The Doctor's face appears behind the grating in the door. He looks delighted to see her.) DOCTOR: Sarah? What are you doing here? SARAH: Rescuing you, actually. For a change! (As she starts undoing the bolts, we see the intercom thingy at the end of the hall swing suddenly inwards - it's actually a hidden peephole for someone on the other side of it. A very ugly alien face peers through it, watching. Sarah hears something and looks up from the bolt she's undoing, but the alien has closed the hidden hatch again.) DOCTOR: Get a move on! SARAH: (irked) It's stuck! (The bolt finally slides back right after she says that, and she undoes the rest of the bolts.) SARAH: (amused) Doctor, what did you do? DOCTOR: (dead serious) Ask me later. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal ship. The whole thing is very organic looking - though not as organic as the Zygon ship from the beginning of the season. There's a control panel with lots of weird buttons, a column of three round lights, one of which is lit red - looks a heck of a lot like a semaphore - and a viewscreen. Guy Crayford's face is on the screen, looking right into the camera with a worried expression.) STYGGRON: (os) Crayford? CRAYFORD: Yes, Styggron? STYGGRON: (os) Crayford, a second random unit in the cell area! What has gone wrong? CRAYFORD: (genuinely puzzled) A second? (Shot changes to a close-up of Styggron's boots - very ordinary lace-up combat boots, painted to look almost like somebody was violently ill all over them.) STYGGRON: (os) These patterns were not programmed! (The boots walk up onto a platform and the camera follows.) CRAYFORD: (os) Styggron, was this second unit...female? STYGGRON: (os) Yes, one of the village section. Check the directives. A fault must've developed. (The view changes so we can see the screen again, as well as Styggron's back. He's wearing some kind of metallic tunic.) CRAYFORD: (delighted) It's not a fault, Styggron, it's a remarkable success! (grins) STYGGRON: (perplexed) Success?! CRAYFORD: They are space travellers! The Doctor, as he is called, is human, a scientist who advices Space Defense. His companion is human. STYGGRON: I see! Externals. CRAYFORD: They arrived by error. STYGGRON: Perhaps by error. Perhaps by design! CRAYFORD: Design? STYGGRON: If this Doctor advises on defense... (A klaxon sounds.) CRAYFORD: The cell block! STYGGRON: He must not escape, Crayford! They must not escape! (He pounds his fist into console.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Space Defense Centre. A group of soldiers runs down a corridor, rifles at the ready. The klaxon is still sounding. After they've gone, the camera pans around to a red cupboard from which Sarah's voice is coming.) SARAH: (os) Doctor, what on Earth did you do? DOCTOR: (os) Do? SARAH: (os) Why'd they lock you up? I mean, they seem to be taking you pretty seriously. (Cut to interior of cupboard. [It's awfully roomy in there, but then, BBC set budget was never any great shakes.] They're both whispering.) DOCTOR: I didn't do anything. Just finding me on the premises was enough for Crayford. SARAH: Crayford? DOCTOR: Guy Crayford. He said he was the senior astronaut. SARAH: But Doctor, that's impossible. Guy Crayford was killed. DOCTOR: How? SARAH: It was the first test of the XK-5 space rocket. Crayford was out in space. And...they lost him. The ship just vanished. They thought he'd hit an asteroid. (Footsteps go by outside, and both of them fall silent for a moment.) SARAH: Guy Crayford is dead, Doctor. (The Doctor looks very surprised to hear this, but can think of nothing to say.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Brigadier's office. Crayford enters and sits at the desk to talk to Styggron.) CRAYFORD: There's no cause for alarm, Styggron. The area's being thoroughly searched, exit by exit. The guards have orders to shoot on sight. STYGGRON: (os, angry) Then countermand that order! They must be kept alive for pattern analysis! CRAYFORD: But Styggron! We already have a complete pattern of the village and defense complex! STYGGRON: Do as I say! The Doctor may have learned of the Kraal plan. He may be here to spy. It is essential for us to know. CRAYFORD: Styggron, no! They must be eliminated! They must be destroyed! [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Space Defense Centre. The Doctor and Sarah walk through an interior door, cautiously. The Doctor spots a familiar-looking guard who has his back to us.) DOCTOR: Well, well, well. (quiet but delighted) It's a small world. SARAH: (also delighted) Isn't it? (They creep up behind the guard.) SARAH: Hello, Sergeant Benton! (Benton turns, totally emotionless, and draws his pistol and aims it directly at them.) DOCTOR: Benton? SARAH: Benton, it's us! (Alarming music plays.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Brigadier's office. Crayford is still yakking with Styggron.) STYGGRON: (os) You shall do as I say! (There's a cheesy ray sound effect. Crayford starts convulsing and clutching his head frantically.) CRAYFORD: Ow! Owww! Owie! No! Stop! All right! (The ray stops and Crayford pushes the intercom button, obviously in pain.) CRAYFORD: All...units. The...order to kill is cancelled... [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Space Defense Centre. Benton's eyes close and his head droops forward, almost as if to bow to the Doctor. He also raises his gun.) DOCTOR: (to Sarah) Come. (They hasten out the front door as Benton recovers from whatever he was under. He jogs to the door to see them running away, and then runs back to a wall intercom. He presses the button.) BENTON: This is B-block, main entrance. They've just escaped, sir. I'll call for a local security patrol immediately. (Before he even moves, a security detail arrives. He moves away from the intercom to speak to them.) BENTON: (to the guards) The rest of you, get after them! (The guards troop out the door. The camera then cuts to a shot of the vacant reception desk, with several telephones on it and a sign reading "ALL PASSES MUST BE SHOWN.") SARAH: (os, behind the desk) Why did we come back? We should've hoofed it when we had the chance. We're bound to be caught now! DOCTOR: (os, behind the desk) On the contrary, the further they spread out, the better our chance of escape. (They stand. As they hear footsteps, they drop down again.) CRAYFORD: (os) Sullivan! (Crayford walks into view, followed by Lt Surgeon Harry Sullivan.) CRAYFORD: Take a mobile troop and put a cordon around the perimeter road. SULLIVAN: Yes, sir. (Sullivan leaves the building. Crayford heads off in the direction of his office. Then the camera cuts down to the Doctor and Sarah crouching behind the counter.) SARAH: (perplexed) Harry's not a soldier. DOCTOR: (brightly) That improves our chances. SARAH: All our friends... DOCTOR: Lead by a dead man. Fascinating. (They cautiously emerge from their cover.) SARAH: What's going on? DOCTOR: How do you know Crayford's dead? SARAH: It was that story I came here on two years ago. DOCTOR: I don't think Crayford died in space. And when he finally got back here, something returned with him. Something that's controlling every human being for miles around. SARAH: Including Harry and Mr Benton. DOCTOR: Yes. Come on. (They walk out from behind the counter.) SARAH: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Back to the village. We've got to warn London. [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext. forest between Space Defense Centre and village. The Doctor and Sarah are running. Then they pause for a moment to regroup.) DOCTOR: (totally unconvinced) So far so good. SARAH: (extremely worried) As the man said when he fell from the skyscraper. (The barking of dogs can be heard.) SARAH: Dogs! DOCTOR: Tracker dogs? (They run on, trying to evade the dogs. After a while, Sarah manages to trip over nearly level ground.) SARAH: Aaaaah! (She falls. The Doctor comes back to check on her. She glares at him.) DOCTOR: (concerned) You all right? SARAH: (testy) Yes! DOCTOR: Come on. (He runs off, Sarah limping behind him. The camera cuts to the soldiers with the dogs. The guy who fell off the cliff in the beginning is with them. The dogs sniff a bit at the spot where Sarah fell and then race on. Back to the Doctor and Sarah running. She's having real trouble now, and stops.) SARAH: Aaah! (swallows) My ankle! (She clutches at her ankle. The doctor offers, inaudibly, to carry her.) SARAH: (indignant) No you won't! I'll only slow you down. DOCTOR: (hatching a plot) Give me your scarf. SARAH: Hmm? DOCTOR: Quickly, quickly! I'll try to draw them off your scent. (She does. He pockets it.) DOCTOR: You can hide in the tree. SARAH: But how... (He picks her up and she stops protesting. When he gets her close enough to the tree, she reaches out and grabs it and climbs up as best she can.) (Shot of the dogs and soldiers in pursuit.) (Back to Sarah and the Doctor. Sarah watches from the tree as the Doctor strips off his coat.) DOCTOR: See you back at the pub. If I'm not there in an hour, try the TARDIS. (He runs off.) SARAH: Doctor! I forgot to tell you... (But he's too far away to hear her.) SARAH: ...the TARDIS is gone. (The dogs and soldiers catch up and run right underneath Sarah. Ahead, the Doctor ditches his hat, his coat, Sarah's scarf, his own scarf, and his shoes by a lake. The dogs stop when they reach the articles, satisfied.) CORPORAL ADAMS (the previously dead guy): Well, they must've swum across. (ponders) Right, you two, go this way, we'll try to head them off. (He runs off and his men split up. As soon as they're away, the Doctor's head pops up from the water, in the reeds. He spits out water. His hair is all matted down over his eyes. He tries to see, but can't, then realizes his hair is in the way and flings it back. He sees the soldiers jogging away.) (Meanwhile, Sarah drops out of the tree, saying "ouch" as she hits the ground. Cpl Adams and his two guys spot her and follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal spaceship control room. Styggron is seen from the back again, and Crayford is on the viewscreen.) STYGGRON: Report, report! CRAYFORD: (happy) The girl is captured! We will soon have the Doctor! STYGGRON: No! Locate him, but do not seize him. I have other plans for the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal spaceship, corridor. Two UNIT soldiers are carrying a stretcher. There is someone on it, covered in a sheet. The soldiers reach some sort of mad-scientist lab complete with an operating table and weird mad-scientist controls. They set the stretcher down. They remove the cover and we see that the person on it is Sarah. She is unconscious and unmoving.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext. village. The Doctor walks cautiously back into the abandoned village square. He is unchallenged as he approaches a red phone booth. He goes in and picks up the receiver - no dial tone. He strikes the cradle repeatedly, but it's no good.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal spaceship, mad science room. Sarah is being strapped to the table with four rather ineffectual lead-coloured thingies that go over her wrists and ankles. They don't appear to be actually fixed to the table anyway. The soldiers leave with the stretcher and she regains consciousness. She is frightened when she realizes that she is bound, and struggles, but it's no good.) HARRY SULLIVAN: It's no good, Miss Smith. SARAH: Harry? (The camera switches so we can see Sarah with Harry standing next to her. He's got a clipboard-shaped object in his hands. There is a control console behind him. He activates one of the controls on it, and a weird SFX plays. He looks back at Sarah. A blue light is playing over her. She appears to be in some pain.) HARRY: She is ready. STYGGRON: (os) Commence the analysis of the brain. (Harry increases the power. Now there's a blue light and a yellow light playing over her, along with a solarisation FX and an even weirder SFX. Sarah is definitely hurting now. She sees the distorted face of a Kraal - Styggron - as he observes. He's not a pretty sight - sort of a cross between a deformed frog and a Ferengi. She loses consciousness.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. pub. The Doctor comes through the door and sees that the pub is empty. He checks the phone, but there is still no dial tone. He opens the interior door and finds Mr Morgan, the landlord, standing in the hall, stock still.) MORGAN: (totally emotionless) Something you want, sir? DOCTOR: (deadpan) Yes. A telephone that works. Yours is out of order. (Morgan enters the pub and closes the door behind him. He goes around behind the counter.) MORGAN: Likely it is. DOCTOR: So is the village call box. MORGAN: There was a gale last night, sir. Brought all the lines down. DOCTOR: Ah. (grins) I always told Alexander Bell that wires were unreliable. MORGAN: (totally missing it) Can I get you a drink, sir? DOCTOR: Yes, I'll have a pint. MORGAN: Pint of what? DOCTOR: Ginger beer. (Morgan goes to fix the drink. The Doctor takes the opportunity to glance around a bit more.) MORGAN: You must be one of them scientists from the defense station. (The Doctor turns from the dartboard with a dart in his hand.) DOCTOR: Well, yes and no, or no and yes, so to speak, as it were. (laughs) Do you get much custom from there? MORGAN: Don't come down here much. DOCTOR: Really? MORGAN: Nothing for them in Devesham. Nothing for strangers here. DOCTOR: Yes. Too quiet, I suppose. MORGAN: Except for darts club night, of course. DOCTOR: Hah! Of course (The Doctor throws three darts at the board in succession. Each hits the bull's-eye. When he goes up to take the darts out, he notices something odd about the board and turns to query the landlord.) DOCTOR: Hey! This is a brand-new darts board! Never been used before. (He pulls the darts out and runs his fingers over the board - there are no other holes in it.) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT TO int. Kraal ship. On the viewscreen is the faint image of a dartboard, overlaid over the Doctor's face and hand - the dartboard is a hidden camera. Styggron's hand is visible at extreme right, on the control panel.) STYGGRON: (os) See? He is puzzled. Suspicious, but not certain. (He hits a control and the screen goes dark. The camera cuts so we see another Kraal walk in. They wear gold-coloured pseudo-mail shirts that resemble those worn by the Vogons and frog/Ferengi masks. They walk hunched over. From this point on, all Kraals are clearly seen.) CHEDAKI: There is no value in this experiment, Styggron. Our strategy is settled! STYGGRON: Strategy is formulated upon knowledge, Chedaki. CHEDAKI: The time for experiment is past. STYGGRON: In the case of the Earth, yes. But there are other worlds that our people can conquer! It is important to see that our techniques are flawless, and the Doctor is unprogrammed. A free agent! (Styggron whirls around and activates his viewscreen again to talk to Crayford.) STYGGRON: Crayford! CRAYFORD: (afraid) Yes, Styggron? STYGGRON: Commence the final test. CRAYFORD: Direct communication? STYGGRON: Yes. Are the preparations complete? CRAYFORD: There should have been sufficient time. I will check, Styggron. (He gets up to leave and we cut back to the interior of the Kraal ship.) CHEDAKI: The data that was drained from the girl shows the Doctor's long association with libertarian causes. His entire history is one of opposition to conquest. While he lives, he is a threat. STYGGRON: His history will end soon, Chedaki. When I have nothing further to learn from studying him. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal spaceship, mad science room. Sarah is gone, but Harry is still there, entering notes on his electronic clipboard thingy. Crayford walks in.) CRAYFORD: Where's the girl? HARRY: (efficiently) The analysis is completed. We have her memory print and body parameters; they're being coded. CRAYFORD: Right. Well, see she's properly guarded. Styggron wants to run a test on the Doctor. Is the programming complete? HARRY: We can begin at once. CRAYFORD: Right. Good, good. (Lost for anything else to do, Crayford leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. pub. The Doctor is examining a cigar left in an ashtray through a magnifying glass. It is as good as new. He stands and pockets the magnifier, then walks over to examine the old horse tackle hanging over the mantle. He is astonished and makes a disgusted sound.) DOCTOR: Plastic horse brass? (He turns and runs smack dab into the landlord.) DOCTOR: I've arranged to wait for someone here, don't let me detain you. MORGAN: That's all right. DOCTOR: Hmm. Well, I can see you're a busy man. Barrels to tap, empties to count, that sort of thing. MORGAN: No hurry for that. DOCTOR: Then I'll have another pint. MORGAN: A pint of what? DOCTOR: Well, ginger pop, please. (Morgan goes off to fill the order. The Doctor follows him to the counter and pays. He spots a day calendar fastened to the wall - July 6. He tears off the day only to find...July 6 right behind it! The rest of the calendar is all July 6 as well.) DOCTOR: Pifffh! Strange... A village without a future? (Morgan hands him the pint. The phone rings and the Doctor picks it up and hands it to Morgan. He waits politely.) MORGAN: Fleur-de-lis? (pause) It's for you. DOCTOR: Is it? (He takes the phone.) DOCTOR: Hello? (pause) Sarah? What's happened, where are you? (Cut to int. shop, with Sarah on the phone.) SARAH: They caught me, but I managed to escape. Listen, Doctor, I found out their whole plan! (pause) No, no, the inn is one of their centres. That's why I didn't come there. (Int. pub.) DOCTOR: where are you, Sarah? (Int. shop.) SARAH: The village store. You can cut through to it behind the pub. (pause) Yes, I'll wait for you. But Doctor, be careful. Those robot mechanics are planted everywhere. (Int. pub.) DOCTOR: (grins winsomely) Don't worry, Sarah. Who'd notice me? (He hangs up the phone. Morgan hasn't budged an inch. On a whim, the Doctor picks the phone back up.) DOCTOR: Well, would you believe it? It's out of order again. (hangs up) Thanks for the hospitality. (He departs. Morgan still hasn't budged.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal ship. Chedaki is pissed at Styggron again.) CHEDAKI: If the androids were to fail in their task, the Kraal invasion of Earth could not even begin! Suppose the Doctor were to turn the androids against us? It would jeopardize the whole operation! STYGGRON: Impossible! CHEDAKI: Is it? He is a scientist too, Styggron. STYGGRON: Well, the androids are centrally delegated. Their programming is controlled from here. (He slaps the console.) CHEDAKI: They could be re-programmed! He has the knowledge. STYGGRON: An interesting possibility. CHEDAKI: The androids are a double-edged weapon, Styggron. They are unstoppable, indestructible. (Chedaki leaves, passing Crayford on his way in.) CRAYFORD: Everything is ready, Styggron. STYGGRON: Not quite! I need one more android, Crayford. I must call on your experience for its production. CRAYFORD: But you already have my data, the memory prints and the disorientation centre. STYGGRON: This is new! You must be reprocessed. CRAYFORD: I can't go through that again! STYGGRON: I need one special unit! An android programmed to attack Kraals. CRAYFORD: But I don't... STYGGRON: Do not argue, Crayford! (pause) Come! (Styggron leaves and Crayford follows, looking apprehensive.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext. village. The Doctor is running between the buildings, aiming for the shop that Sarah said she was in. He pauses, looks around, then crosses the street to run into a shop labelled "AVING KIDBY") (Cut to int. shop. A bell rings as the Doctor enters and he winces at the sound. He reaches up to still the bell.) SARAH: (os) Is that you, Doctor? DOCTOR: Of course it is. How did you get away? (Sarah stands up from her hiding place behind the counter.) SARAH: Oh, thank goodness! I've been terrified! (she walks out from behind the counter, carrying a chair by its back. She sets the chair down and sits on it. The Doctor squats down next to her.) DOCTOR: I left you up a tree. SARAH: I climbed out of the tree and those soldiers were waiting for me. I was knocked out. When I came round, I was in some kind of operating theatre. I was so frightened. (She shivers all over and clasps her hands between her knees nervously.) DOCTOR: (absently) I'm sure you were. (He reaches into his pocket.) DOCTOR: Perhaps some ginger pop? (He takes the lid off the pop and hands it to her. She sighs gratefully and takes a long swig off of the bottle.) SARAH: It was delicious. (She hands him the bottle. He stares up at her, surprised.) SARAH: Harry was there. Not the real Harry, of course, but I thought it was. DOCTOR: What do you mean, 'not the real Harry?' SARAH: Well, don't you see what they're doing - they're copying people! DOCTOR: Who are? SARAH: I don't know, but Crayford's behind it all. (The Doctor pockets the ginger pop and stands to peer out the window. He pulls back suddenly. There are white-jumpsuited androids outside, patrolling the village. The Doctor goes down by Sarah again where he can't be seen through the window.) DOCTOR: It can't be Crayford, but go on. (He watches Sarah very closely.) SARAH: There's not much more to tell. They put me in some kind of machine, and I passed out again. DOCTOR: How did you get away? SARAH: When I came round the second time, I heard Crayford talking to someone. That's where I discovered what they're planning! They're replacing people with these duplicates they make! (The Doctor is looking very worried.) SARAH: Well, they thought I was still unconscious and left me without a guard. (The Doctor is speechless, but after a while manages to speak.) DOCTOR: And you were lucky enough to find this place? (partly to himself) And the only telephone in the place that worked... SARAH: (genuine) Don't understand... DOCTOR: I think they let you make that telephone call! I think we're being tested! (He's grinning, delighted with himself.) DOCTOR: They want to find out how smart we are! (He gets up and peers out the window again. The white 'droids move off.) SARAH: No, it can't be that! DOCTOR: Of course it's that! What I don't understand is, if they're so advanced in technology - they've made facsimile human beings good enough to stand face-to-face examination, and sent them through a space-time warp to Earth - what can they be afraid of? (Sarah cocks her head to one side, but says nothing.) DOCTOR: (continuing in his train of thought) They must possess the weaponry to take the Earth by force... They've created a bridgehead by stealth using androids. Fake humans. Come on! SARAH: (standing) Where are we going? DOCTOR: Well, there's a radio in the TARDIS. Are you coming? SARAH: (smiling) Coming! DOCTOR: (quiet) Thought so. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal spaceship, mad science room. Crayford is on the table now, and Styggron is controlling the machines. Chedaki is watching via teleconference.) STYGGRON: This should answer your fears, Chedaki. From Crayford's memory cells we will now create a totally hostile android. CRAYFORD: Don't, Styggron, I beg you! (Styggron ignores him and turns on the machine. The funny noises start up, along with the blue light. Crayford moans. The sound changes, the light turns whiter, and he arches back in pain, then passes out.) CHEDAKI: (on screen) What is the purpose of this, Styggron? STYGGRON: Watch. (He turns another switch and an android begins to materialize in the corner of the room. Only the skeleton and basic electronics are visible. Then its skin appears and it looks like a UNIT soldier, wielding a machine gun, totally motionless for the moment. Chedaki watches with interest as the UNIT android steps away from the spot where it materialized and walks to the opposite side of the room.) STYGGRON: I will now activate the hostility circuits. (He presses a button. The android drops out of its rigid, emotionless stance and into a fighting crouch, its machine gun at the ready. Styggron whips out a tiny ray gun and the soldier immediately reacts, swinging his machine gun over to cover Styggron. Styggron fires, with a six-pointed red star appearing over the muzzle of his ray gun. He fires several more times, hitting the android each time, until it falls to the ground twitching.) STYGGRON: See? They are not indestructible, Chedaki! What I can create, I can also destroy! (On the viewscreen, Chedaki nods his understanding. Meanwhile, the dead android warps back to its skeletal, mechanical form.) CHEDAKI: (on screen) That weapon. It is new! STYGGRON: So far effective only at short range. But my armoury section is developing a much more powerful version for our space cruisers. Science, Chedaki! Science will make the Kraals invincible! (He raises the gun triumphantly.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext. forest. The Doctor and Sarah are working their way through the dense undergrowth, aiming for the TARDIS. They stop suddenly and hide as an android patrol goes by. Then they continue on. When they get to the clearing where they left the TARDIS, they stop. The Doctor is clearly confused. Sarah seems unperturbed.) DOCTOR: This is the oak tree! This is where we landed! SARAH: Well, it's not here now, is it? DOCTOR: It's not programmed to auto-operate! There's a fail safe. Unless... SARAH: (emotionless) Unless what, Doctor? DOCTOR: Of course, I know! You've still got the TARDIS key, haven't you? (He holds out his hand.) SARAH: (motionless) I must've lost it. (The Doctor grins and turns to face her. She is now totally emotionless.) DOCTOR: You haven't lost it. You never had it! Sarah came here, turned the key in the lock, and cancelled the pause control. The TARDIS continued on its set coordinates back to Earth. SARAH: I don't understand. DOCTOR: This isn't Earth. This isn't real wood. It's some kind of artificial material like plastic. These are not real trees! And you're not the real Sarah. (Sarah takes a step away from the Doctor and draws a pistol.) SARAH: Get back, Doctor. (He grins even wider and starts rummaging in his pocket.) DOCTOR: I knew at once. The real Sarah wasn't wearing her scarf. (He pulls the scarf out of his pocket. As he does, he pulls off his hat and whaps the gun out of her hand. It fires as it hits the ground. He grabs her by the shoulders.) DOCTOR: (threateningly) What have you done with Sarah? Where is the real Sarah? (She pulls away and falls to the ground. As she does, the Sarah mask falls off and we see the circuits inside her head. She's not dead, and she looks up at the Doctor through her staring android eyes. He looks back, horrified.) (Cue music, cut to credits.)	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who suspects Crayford brought something to Earth? A: his rocket; Q: Where did Crayford bring something to Earth? A: Sarah; Q: Who is with the Doctor when he is being hunted by UNIT? Summary: The Doctor suspects Crayford brought something to Earth in his rocket, as he and Sarah find themselves hunted by UNIT.
MUSIC IN: EXT. MOTEL - DAY (DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CARMODY WALKS TO HIS CAR TRUNK) (SFX: TRUNK OPENS/CLOSES) CARMODY: Crap! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CARMODY WALKS TO THE MOTEL OFFICE) (SFX: BUZZER) (SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR) CARMODY: Oh! You've got to be kidding me. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CARMODY WALKS BACK TO THE MOTEL ROOM) (SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR) CARMODY: Hello? I'm from next door. I've locked myself out. I just need you to call the front desk. Hello? (BEAT) Holy Mother of God!! (KNOCK ON DOOR) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) MCGEE: Ziva, I am not secretive. ZIVA: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive. TONY: Hmm, let's see. Wrote a novel. ZIVA: Didn't tell us. TONY: Got it published. ZIVA: Didn't tell us. TONY: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel. ZIVA: Hmm. Didn't tell us. TONY: Anything else? ZIVA: Bought a Porsche. TONY: Didn't tell us. Can you see how some people might begin to think there was a pattern of secretive behavior emerging here, Probie? MCGEE: Okay, look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it was not secretive. It was just... ZIVA: Deceptive? TONY: Sneaky? MCGEE: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me. TONY: True. ZIVA: True. MCGEE: Besides, everyone has secrets. I'll bet you two have some doozies. TONY: No. ZIVA: (GASPS) Ha! TONY: Ha? What ha. I said no. ZIVA: You said no too quickly. MCGEE: He did, didn't he? ZIVA: What dark, dirty little secrets do you have that are making you so uncomfortable? (BEAT) Does she have a name? RAINES: (V.O.) Lieutenant Rana Shaheen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY RAINES: (ON MONITOR) Her death is a real loss to the Marines. GIBBS: Marines Corps Intelligence. RAINES: (ON MONITOR) Three years. I've personally known her for two. She's an interpreter. Born in Kuwait, emigrated when she was a kid. GIBBS: Working anything sensitive? RAINES: (ON MONITOR) Just routine, nothing classified since we got back from Iraq. Ironic, isn't it? GIBBS: You last saw her Friday? RAINES: (ON MONITOR) She said she was going to the country for the weekend. Didn't say where. I got the impression she was going to meet someone. MCGEE: (V.O.) Edenvale? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Where the hell is Edenvale? TONY: Keep scrolling, Probie. MCGEE: I'm scrolling. I'm telling you, I can't find it. TONY: (V.O.) It's not on the map. MCGEE: Boondocks. TONY: Boondocks, Boss. GIBBS: Pack a toothbrush. ZIVA: What are boondocks? TONY: (SINGS) Da-da-da da da da da da da. MCGEE: (SINGS) Da-da-da da da da da da da. TONY: (SINGS) Da-da-da da da da da da da. MCGEE: (SINGS) Da-da-da da da da da da da. TONY: (SINGS) Da da da da da da da da... MCGEE: (SINGS) Da-da-da da da da da da da. (SFX: TONY AND MCGEE SING IN UNISON) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. ROAD - DAY (ACTION OVER TONY AND MCGEE SINGING) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT BARRETT: We don't get a lot of murders out here in Edenvale, Agent Gibbs. It's got the whole town talking. Well, y'all want to come inside. I've set up the conference room for you. GIBBS: Crime scene first, Sheriff. BARRETT: That would be the Edenvale Motel - U.S. Twenty-Nine. Ten minute drive. Not much to see up there, though. DUCKY: Except the crime scene. BARRETT: Well, yeah. Room eight. Shot twice in the chest. Bled out under the door. DUCKY: Sheriff, the sooner we get to work on the body, the sooner we'll be out of your way. BARRETT: You want to work on the body? DUCKY: Preliminary examination. I'll do the autopsy back in D.C. BARRETT: Agent Gibbs, I think we have what you might call a breakdown in communications. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY (DOOR OPENS) BARRETT: She was found three days ago. Booked in under a false name. Paid cash. No pocketbook, no driver's license, no vehicle. Took the best part of two days to get her prints up to Washington and processed. Soon as we found out she was a Marine, we called you. By that time, Harry had done the autopsy. Harry Lawson. Coroner. He's a good man. GIBBS: Well, I'll bet he is. BARRETT: Well, he's also the funeral director and owns the furniture store. Old country tradition. ZIVA: What about the crime scene, Sheriff? BARRETT: Well, turned back to the motel. TONY: Cleaned up? BARRETT: And I'm guessing already occupied. GIBBS: Evidence? BARRETT: Oh, yeah. Got plenty of that. You'll want to talk to Ruby [SCENE_BREAK] INT. POLICE LAB - DAY [SCENE_BREAK] RUBY: (V.O.) If it was loose, I bagged it. (ON CAMERA) The hairs, fibers, shell casing, gum wrappers, used tissues, even an old French fry the cleaning lady must have missed. It was right up under the headboard... anybody would have missed it. Um... everything's been tagged, numbered, indexed and photographed. I did the indexing by hand on account of the printer not working. TONY: Blood samples? RUBY: I took multiples, sent some to the lab, kept the rest as backup. (SFX: MCGEE DROPS THE LENS) MCGEE: Oh! Oh, sorry. My fault. RUBY: It does that all the time. Well, that's everything. Um... except one teeny, tiny little thing. She was shot twice, but I could only find one shell casing. ZIVA: Maybe he picked up. RUBY: Yeah, maybe. GIBBS: You said you had an office we could use? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY BARRETT: Here you go. Home sweet home. I'll stir up some coffee for you. Oh, we do have a suspect. GIBBS: When were you going to tell me that? BARRETT: Well, I'm telling you now. (V.O.) Tyler? TYLER: Yeah? BARRETT: Bring me that suspect's file, would you? The victim made one phone call from the motel. Local guy by the name of Masoud Tariq. Only been in town a few months. He's an I-raqi. TYLER: Same as the victim. ZIVA: She's from Kuwait, actually. TYLER: And where are you from? ZIVA: The city. BARRETT: Well, unfortunately, this guy Masoud Tariq, he's disappeared. So I got a search warrant. We found her lipstick in his living room. Ruby got a fingerprint match. Now, we've got a BOLO out for him, but he's got a couple days start. TYLER: When he comes back, we'll catch him. BARRETT: If you need anything else, you just holler. (DOOR CLOSES) MCGEE: You see their nameplates? Both Barretts. ZIVA: Brothers? MCGEE: Cousins? TONY: Boondocks. DUCKY: I'll take the body back to D.C., Jethro. But I'm afraid we're going to have to rely on this autopsy report. MCGEE: You can't do another one? DUCKY: Well, if I think it's necessary. But there will be so much missing that you can't get back. Blood patterns, position of the body, and of course you'll be missing all the usual pieces that have gone off for testing. ZIVA: She comes down from D.C. for the weekend, books into a motel under a false name. Pays cash and calls a man. MCGEE: Jealous spouse? ZIVA: She's not married. TONY: Neither was he. Moved here six months ago. ZIVA: Which is about the time Lieutenant Shaheen got back from Iraq. TONY: Nice timing. GIBBS: Dinozzo, ride back with Ducky. Talk to Lieutenant Shaheen's Commanding Officer. Find out what she was working on in Iraq. TONY: Okay, back to the big city suits me, boss. I got the Boondock Blues already. GIBBS: McGee. MCGEE: Boss. GIBBS: Crime scene. Take that forensic woman with you. MCGEE: Ruby. GIBBS: Ruby. Yeah. Ruby. Check her methodology. See what she missed. MCGEE: Maybe she didn't miss anything. (BEAT) Right. GIBBS: What do you need, Duck? DUCKY: Just the body. GIBBS: That leaves you and me with Masoud Tariq. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN) ZIVA: Sleepy. GIBBS: Not quite. BARRETT: That's Daryl Hardy. The sort of nosey neighbor gives small towns a bad name. Thinks Tariq is a terrorist. Like a terrorist would ever come live in a little town like ours. ZIVA: He file complaints? BARRETT: Nothing ever amounted to anything. Just spread a lot of bad feelings among people, is all. Tariq kept out of trouble. Paid his bills. Obeyed the law. At least up until now. ZIVA: We're being watched. GIBBS: That kind of town. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. GARAGE - DAY (SFX: GARAGE DOOR ROLLS UP) GIBBS: Lacking a woman's touch? ZIVA: I wouldn't know. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA PHOTOGRAPHS WORKBENCH) TYLER: Want to take mine? You know, I didn't mean anything by what I said earlier. ZIVA: Yes, you did. TYLER: You find something? ZIVA: The sooner you leave me alone, the sooner I'll know. TYLER: Well, I guess the photo can wait, huh? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA SWABS THE GARAGE FLOOR) (SFX: AEROSOL SPRAY) ZIVA: Gibbs? I think someone's been making modifications. GIBBS: Diesel fuel? ZIVA: And a positive indicator of nitrates. Probably ammonium nitrate. Mixed with diesel oil and all you have to do is add a detonator and a cell phone if you want to set it off remotely. I think we just found ourselves a bomb factory. (CUT TO BLACK) MUSIC IN: EXT. STREET - DAY ZIVA: I thought the local constabulary searched the house? GIBBS: Not for a bomb factory. ZIVA: Hard to miss. Maybe the neighbors were more observant. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS WALKS TO DARYL'S PORCH) DARYL: You from Washington? GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs. NCIS. DARYL: NCIS. That like the F.B.I.? GIBBS: Navy and Marine's version. DARYL: It's about time. You found something. GIBBS: Maybe. DARYL: Mm-hmm. I knew it. Sheriff didn't want to know. No one did. It's one of them sleeper cells they warn us about on the news, ain't it? GIBBS: What makes you think that? DARYL: I don't think it. I know it. Wait there. (SFX: SCREEN DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES/OPENS) DARYL: Waste of time giving it to that son-of-a-B. Here. Good luck. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY ZIVA: Nice neighbor? GIBBS: He thinks he uncovered a sleeper cell. ZIVA: Does he have proof? GIBBS: Maybe. Send it to Abby. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY TONY: (V.O.) What's your biggest secret? Shock me. ABBY: When I was eleven years old, I had a paper route. And I got sick of it. So I hid all the papers, and then I only delivered wet ones to people that complained. TONY: That was you? No, I mean like a certain Probie who secretly wrote a not-so-secret bestseller. ABBY: Oh, you mean like a MOAS. Like a mother-of-all secrets. TONY: Yeah. ABBY: Everybody has one. I'm not going to tell you mine. What's yours? TONY: Ha! Nice try. I'm sitting on my MOAS. ABBY: I thought there was only one shooter. TONY: Said to the Boondock Probie. ABBY: They look markedly different. TONY: Maybe she was wrong. ABBY: Well, I'll find out soon enough. TONY: How do you live with the mother-of-all secrets? ABBY: You don't. I mean, it consumes you. It eats you like a cancer from the inside. First there's the guilt. And then there's the excruciating urge to blab your secret, although you know that it's going to spell your doom. Have you gotten to that stage yet? TONY: (LAUGHS) No! This is a hypothetical situation we're talking about. ABBY: Still in the guilt stage huh? And then, you know, eventually you can't take it anymore. It drives you insane. So you blab your secret to your best friend or your mother or your lover... and it sets you free. TONY: It does? ABBY: Yeah. Of course, you lose all your friends and your family, maybe even your job, depending on what the secret is, but yeah. TONY: Great. (SFX: BEEP TONES) ABBY: Masoud Tariq has another name. Wasim Al Fulani. Ooh, this is bad. He was in the Republican Guard. TONY: Yeah, it's a long way from Baghdad to Edenvale. (SIGHS) I hate giving Gibbs bad news. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, got it. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) He dropped off the planet like two years ago, Boss. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Ziva just sent over photos of two men with Tariq, both Middle Eastern. Same deal. (SFX: CLOSES CELL PHONE) GIBBS: Masoud Tariq is an alias. His real name is Wasim Al Fulani, forMER Captain of the Republican Guard. Disappeared off the radar two years ago. ZIVA: Hmm. We know where he's been for the past six months. Just need to figure out where he is now. GIBBS: Yeah. And whether he packed a bag. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MOTEL - DAY RUBY: (INTO PHONE) Okay, thanks for the bad news. Yeah, 'bye. (TO MCGEE) They found explosive residue in Tariq's garage. MCGEE: Well, that's not good. RUBY: Yeah. I dusted for prints in that garage. MCGEE: Well, sometimes we miss things. RUBY: Like that second shell casing we still can't find, and probably never will? This is my first. MCGEE: First? RUBY: Murder. I've only ever done break-ins and stolen cars. We get a lot of stolen cars in Edenvale. MCGEE: I bet. RUBY: I was so excited. My first murder. I mean, it's sad and everything, but... MCGEE: It's okay to be excited. Helps us do our job. RUBY: Well, it sure didn't help me, did it? MCGEE: Look, you might have missed something, okay? But next time you might see something that someone else doesn't. And they might see something that you don't. You can't do it all. You can't be right every time, Ruby. RUBY: I'd settle for just once. (DOOR CLOSES) (SFX: VAN ENGINE STARTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT (SFX: TONY CHUCKLES) JEANNE: I never thought I'd see a grown man so happy to break a hundred. TONY: This coming from the girl who rolled an eighty-six. JEANNE: Eighty-nine. TONY: Whatever. Competitive. I like it. I have a question to ask you. JEANNE: Yeah? TONY: What are the chances of my sneaking you away for a little dinner? JEANNE: Two of the interns called in sick. So... TONY: Ooh. That's not good. Well, you look cold and we can't have you getting sick. JEANNE: Hmm. TONY: It's a little chilly. And it's a good thing that I am prepared. (SFX: TONY SETS UP THE CHAIR) TONY: Signorina. JEANNE: What are you doing? (MUSIC OVER ACTION) TONY: It's easier than it looks. JEANNE: Yeah, okay. TONY: This is not a sundial. (SFX: TONY SINGS) TONY: Here we go. JEANNE: What is all this? TONY: Oh, this, Miss Benoit, is a penne a la DiNardo. JEANNE: I don't know what to say. TONY: Well, you could either say grazie, you're a god among men, a prince among thieves. JEANNE: This is like a scene from an old movie. Wait a second. Is this a scene from an old movie? TONY: Ah, well that really depends. JEANNE: On? TONY: Have you ever seen a movie called "Strangers in the Night" with Cary Grant? JEANNE: I don't think so. TONY: Then, no. This is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself. (JEANNE LAUGHS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLISTICS LAB - DAY (MUSIC B.G.) (SFX: GUNFIRE) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY TESTS BALLISTICS) ABBY: That's not even close, Abigail. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MOTEL - DAY ZIVA: Shalom! GIBBS: 'Morning. ZIVA: Did you brew that in your room? GIBBS: Yep. ZIVA: You know, it's not even real coffee. GIBBS: It's coffee. ZIVA: I read the label. Roasted chicory, whatever that is. GIBBS: It's a flower. It's got a taproot like a dandelion. Dried and roasted makes for a cheap coffee substitute. ZIVA: Well, that's what you're drinking. Cheap motel coffee substitute. GIBBS: That smell like a cheap coffee substitute? ZIVA: Well, you brew it in your room. GIBBS: Well, yes, I did. With my own grind, that I brought from home. ZIVA: You bring your own coffee grind on investigations? GIBBS: Only on overnighters. (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY ZIVA: Did you hear from Tony last night? GIBBS: No. ZIVA: How about this morning? (BEAT) The only reason I'm asking is because I called him last night to update him, and he didn't pick up the phone. He didn't answer this morning either. GIBBS: Ah. You two got married and didn't tell me. ZIVA: No! I know this may sound a bit strange, coming from me, but... GIBBS: More than a bit, Ziva. ZIVA: He's my partner, and I-- GIBBS: Yeah, okay. So? ZIVA: So you sent him back for other reasons, than to question Lieutenant Shaheen's commanding officer. GIBBS: Did I miss the announcement? ZIVA: No, I was not named Director of NCIS. GIBBS: I was thinking more like Secretary of the Navy, because the Director of NCIS would know damn well not to ask me such a stupid question! ZIVA: Look, Tony's been very secretive lately, and for a man who can't keep what he had for breakfast a secret, I think it's scary. GIBBS: What's scary is your persistence. ZIVA: Sorry! (SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS) ZIVA: So the only reason you sent him back was what you said-- (SFX: CAR ACCELERATES/ CAR TIRES SCREECH) ZIVA: Ow! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) ABBY: Can I talk bullets? DUCKY: No, you can't. But you can listen to me talk bullets. Now, the first bullet, bullet A.... yeah, that's it. It penetrated the body here, just below the rib cage. All soft tissue, no bone. And once it punched through the skin, it stopped. No kinetic energy. Unlike bullet B, here... that's the little devil, which according to this, punched right through the sternum, gouged its way through the heart muscle, took a chip out of the eighth thoracic vertebrae, and finally sputtered to a stop in Lieutenant Shaheen's right latissimus dorsi. In other words, it did exactly what it was designed to do in all its brutal efficiency. Which begs the question, Abby... ABBY: How were they fired from the same weapon? DUCKY: Yeah. One high velocity, one low velocity. I was thinking, could it be a ricochet? ABBY: No. There were no layer deposits on the slug, so it didn't hit anything. DUCKY: Ah. ABBY: And their weight and lead composition's the same, but it's almost as if... DUCKY: It was fired from another weapon. And if it was a revolver, that would explain finding only one casing. ABBY: Two weapons means two shooters, Duck. I don't think Gibbs is going to appreciate me doubling his work load. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. MOTEL - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) BARRETT: 'Mornin'. So are you going to call him, or will I? The F.B.I. I'm beginning to think Daryl Hardy was right after all. GIBBS: Still NCIS jurisdiction. BARRETT: Mm-hmm. Until he sets off a bomb in the local mall. That'd be a good time for it to be under someone else's jurisdiction, wouldn't you say? (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) BARRETT: That's him! That's Tariq! (SHOUTS) Stop right there! (SFX: CAR TIRES SPIN) (SFX: GUNFIRE) GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Cease fire! Hey! Cease fire! Put it down! ZIVA: (SHOUTS/OVERLAP) Hey! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL RUN TO THE TRUCK) (MASOUD GASPS) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - DAY (MCGEE WALKS THROUGH THE WAITING ROOM) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ER CUBICLE - DAY (SFX: VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER B.G.) MCGEE: Hey. It's a circus out there. Every deputy in the county is either in the ER, the building, or the parking lot. ZIVA: Everyone loves a shooting. Except the shootee. Is that a word? MCGEE: Sounds like a word. Do you want a spell? ZIVA: (SPELLS) S-h-o-o-t-e-e. MCGEE: No, no. Spell as in rest. ZIVA: Oh, no, thank you. GIBBS: Hey. They're going to hold him here for a couple hours. Then we're moving him back to D.C. Check his clothes, and the pick-up for explosive residue. MCGEE: I can get Ruby to help. (BEAT) Or not. (GIBBS CLOSES THE CURTAIN) MASOUD: Did you shoot me? GIBBS: No. MASOUD: Did she? ZIVA: No! MASOUD: Sheriff Barrett? GIBBS: Possibly. MASOUD: His brother? ZIVA: Probably. GIBBS: Why'd you run? MASOUD: In Baghdad, when you see men with guns, you go the other way. It's what you do. You all seemed very eager to shoot me. GIBBS: You were armed. MASOUD: You couldn't see it. And it was unloaded. ZIVA: Where have you been for the past four days? MASOUD: Deer hunting. GIBBS: Rana Shaheen was shot dead over the weekend. ZIVA: Right after she came to see you in your house. MASOUD: Of course. That means that I must be a murderer. At least in this town. I'm curious, what else are they accusing me of? GIBBS: We found traces of explosives in your garage. MASOUD: So now I'm the monster that scares them at night. Al Qaeda come to kill them. Do you believe this? GIBBS: I don't know what to believe, Wasim Al Fulani. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAB - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Lab!(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Give me some good news, Abby. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I'm not pregnant. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Too much information. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Kidding. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being pregnant. I love kids. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) It doesn't mean I'm trying, you know. And even if I... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... trying, that doesn't mean that I know anybody I would want to try with. Am I being trying, Gibbs? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Affirmative. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) My guess is that you want to know about the two guys in the photos. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, that's a good guess, Abby. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Well, don't hold your breath. They are three quarter profiles, no full face. Not really good for a match off. I think we're out of luck. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Evidence turning up anything? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Um... I'm beginning to think that she was shot with two different weapons. They're both nine mils, but I can't match the slugs. And Ducky said they hit the body at two different velocities. Like really different. Like the difference between a Howitzer and a BB gun. Maybe not that different, but Ducky's really puzzled about it, too. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Are you telling me there are two different shooters? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Maybe. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Or maybe not. You know, I haven't figured it out yet. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) When you do, Abs... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) You will be the first to know. Actually, technically you'll be the second know, because I'm doing the testing. But you will be the second to know. Gibbs? (SFX: DIAL TONE B.G.) RAINES: (ON MONITOR) We don't normally open these files to just anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY TONY: Well, I guess NCIS isn't just anyone. RAINES: (ON MONITOR) Lieutenant Shaheen had a certain amount of autonomy, Agent DiNozzo. TONY: Sounds like a Marine covering his butt. RAINES: (ON MONITOR) Marine officers don't cover their butts. I've uploaded the files on the work we did in Iraq. Code name was Operation Cauldron. TONY: Classification? RAINES: (ON MONITOR) Top secret, strictly a need-to-know basis. Lieutenant Shaheen was one of the best I had. You find who did this. TONY: Working on it. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RUBY'S LAB - DAY MCGEE: Do you have any more indicator spray? RUBY: I hope this doesn't count as helping you. I'd hate to get you in trouble. MCGEE: Thanks. RUBY: I'll bet he didn't even read my evidence report. Did you read my evidence report? MCGEE: Sorry. Not yet. RUBY: Not ever. MCGEE: I promise I will read your evidence report. RUBY: Oh, what? And grade me? MCGEE: Look, I'm sorry that you're not allowed to help me. It's just... RUBY: He doesn't trust me. MCGEE: Well, see, he would if he got to know you. It's just um... he's hard to get to know. RUBY: Make sure you do inside his trouser pockets. People put their hands in their pockets to get their keys, and the explosive residue rubs off. MCGEE: I'm going to read your evidence report. I promise. (RUBY WALKS O.S.) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, Boss. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Lieutenant Shaheen worked on Operation Cauldron in Iraq. In return for high quality intel about terrorist bombers, Uncle Sam relocated informants to the U.S. Kind of a... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... witness relocation deal for born-again bad guys. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Anyway, Wasim Al Fulani was one of them. Relocated here six months ago. New name, passport - whole nine yards. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Lieutenant Shaheen was his case officer. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) And there's something else. Two other guys relocated at the same time. But their computer files have been... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...deleted. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hard copies? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Both unaccounted for. The last person to sign them out was Lieutenant Shaheen, and you'll never guess when? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) The day she went to Edenvale. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) You guessed.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ER ROOM - DAY MASOUD: You're a Jew. ZIVA: Yes. MASOUD: Israeli? (BEAT) Mossad then. ZIVA: I'm working with NCIS. MASOUD: So yes. So now I am as suspicious of you, as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way? ZIVA: At least in our lifetime. (SFX: CURTAIN OPENS) TYLER: Mmm. Cozy. ZIVA: Can I help you? TYLER: You know, a couple more inches to your right and our martyr here could have been living it up with all those vestal virgins. You know, it truly is a screwed up religion where you have to blow yourself up just to get lucky. (SFX: ZIVA GRABS TYLER) (SFX: TYLER GASPS) ZIVA: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry. TYLER: I'm sorry. (GASPS) Ah! ZIVA: I don't think he heard you. TYLER: I'm sorry. MASOUD: Apology accepted. (SFX: TYLER GASPS) GIBBS: Is there a problem? ZIVA: I was telling the Deputy here where the bathroom was. (TYLER WALKS O.S.) GIBBS: I know about Operation Cauldron. MASOUD: Good. Then you know that I'm not in your country illegally. GIBBS: Lieutenant Shaheen was your case officer. MASOUD: Yes. She was the only American I ever met whom I trusted. ZIVA: So you kept in touch with her? MASOUD: No. It is forbidden. I gave them information, they gave me a new life. GIBBS: She came to visit you. MASOUD: I did not invite her. ZIVA: Why did she come? An unmarried woman visiting a Muslim man's home? MASOUD: No, it was not for that. ZIVA: So you were disappointed, and that's why you followed her back to the motel. MASOUD: No. GIBBS: Maybe she saw something in your garage you didn't want her to see. MASOUD: A bomb perhaps, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Explosives. Somebody put them there. MASOUD: Not me. Why don't you go talk to Mister Hardy, my good neighbor? Maybe he put them there or saw who did. My wife and daughter were killed buying fruit in a Baghdad market, Agent Gibbs. I've seen enough bombs. That's why I did what I did. That's why I left. (SFX: CURTAIN OPENS) MCGEE: Boss, you got a minute? (SFX: CURTAIN CLOSES) MCGEE: I found something. GIBBS: It doesn't look like an explosive residue, McGee. MCGEE: Well, it's Ruby's. She uses a red fluorescent powder to dust for prints. GIBBS: So? MCGEE: So we don't. The only way this could have gotten on the back of the cell phone is if it was planted after she dusted for prints. Someone set him up, Boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY BARRETT: I don't like what you're getting at, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Do you have a better explanation? BARRETT: People like living here. They go to church on Sundays and they obey the law. Mostly. And they believe every person, even a stranger, is guilty until proven innocent. GIBBS: You mean innocent until proven guilty. BARRETT: Yeah, well that's the way it used to be. GIBBS: Before Masoud arrived? BARRETT: Before everyone got so damn scared. GIBBS: Well then you know why I asked the question. BARRETT: Sit. Look, half the town would have planted those explosives just to get rid of Masoud. GIBBS: Half the town didn't have a key to his house. BARRETT: The house was leased. GIBBS: The owner? BARRETT: Martha Hollingway. Eighty-four years old. Unlikely. GIBBS: Who else had access to it? BARRETT: Oh, my Lord. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TYLER: You think I killed her? GIBBS: Did you? TYLER: I was the radio officer the night she was murdered. I didn't leave the comms room the whole night. Tell them, Tom. BARRETT: It's true. TYLER: You big-time Washington D.C. guys, you blow in here so smart. Think you got all the answers. You don't know squat about this town. GIBBS: Educate us. TYLER: Everyone knows he did it. Nobody's trusted this guy since the moment he got here. She was at his house! Maybe they were getting it on, they had a fight. Who knows? Or maybe... maybe she figured out what he was really up to. GIBBS: Making bombs? TYLER: Didn't surprise me. Our country is at war! Alert Level Orange in case you happened to not notice. We are told to keep an eye on people who are behaving suspiciously. I was doing my job. I told you we needed to keep a better eye on that Iraqi. You never listened to me. GIBBS: Is that why you planted the explosives? TYLER: I didn't plant any explosives. GIBBS: McGee. MCGEE: Deputy, please take off your trousers. TYLER: You know what? Screw you, McGee. BARRETT: Tyler... GIBBS: If you prefer, I can get Officer David to take them off for you. (PASSAGE OF TIME) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE SORTS THROUGH TYLER'S POCKETS/ PERFORMS TEST) MCGEE: I guess that's not your favorite color. TYLER: I was just getting him before he got us. GIBBS: It's too bad you weren't getting Lieutenant Shaheen's killer. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TYLER: Tom, this is outrageous! I've just been humiliated right here in front of everybody. BARRETT: I understand. It's not about that. That's the least of your problems. ZIVA: The doctors released Masoud. He's in the car. GIBBS: Hey, McGee. MCGEE: Ready to roll, Boss. (TO RUBY) Hey. RUBY: Hi. Uh, you're leaving? MCGEE: Yeah. Back to D.C. Thank you for your help. RUBY: Yeah, some help I was. MCGEE: No, no, no. You were. Honestly. We found some bomb residue on the Deputy's pants. Same pocket where he keeps his keys. Um... I have your report. I will read it. I promise. RUBY: 'Bye, McGee. MCGEE: 'Bye. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Well, no one could ride, Blackie. He was a warm blood. Stood eighteen hands at the withers. I don't know what I measure at the withers. We can measure me tonight. What time do you get off? (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Um... I've got to go. I'll see you then. Do you have a tape measure at your place? Good. MCGEE: Hey. GIBBS: Hey. You taking calls again? TONY: I never stopped, Boss. Why? Did I miss your call? GIBBS: No, not mine. What'd you find out about Masoud? TONY: This guy was good, Boss. Gave the Marines some hard intel. IED factories, weapons cashes, and the names of more than fifty bad boys. He deserves a medal. MCGEE: He got a U.S. passport instead. GIBBS: What about the other two who relocated with him? TONY: Yeah, low-level stuff, mostly. Nothing to get excited about. A couple of names. Weapons cache. But good ol' Uncle Sam gave them both passports anyway. ZIVA: He's ready, Gibbs. GIBBS: Dinozzo, run these plates. TONY: Sure thing, Boss. ZIVA: Why didn't you answer my calls? TONY: Gibbs just asked me that. I think I had it on silent. ZIVA: Your other phone is never on silent. Hmm. TONY: Don't tell me, Probie. Let me guess. Research for the next book? MCGEE: No, it's Ruby's evidence report. TONY: Ah. Another work of fiction then. MCGEE: If it is, she's a better writer than I am. TONY: Probie, I have a pimple on my left buttock that is a better writer than you are. RUBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hello? MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Ruby, it's McGee. You need to get to Washington. RUBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I do? When? MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Now. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Why did Lieutenant Shaheen come to you? MASOUD: She was investigating someone. GIBBS: Who? MASOUD: Two Iraqi men who relocated with me. I didn't meet them until I left Baghdad. They were on the same flight. GIBBS: When did you last see them? MASOUD: Lieutenant Shaheen asked me precisely the same question. Edenvale two weeks ago. GIBBS: Is this them? MASOUD: Yes. They were very nervous. They wanted to know what information I passed on to the Marines in Baghdad. ZIVA: You told them? MASOUD: No, I lied. I told them I gave them bad information. They believed me. They said they had passed on bad information, too. GIBBS: Why did you lie? MASOUD: Because I trust no one, Agent Gibbs. ZIVA: Why was Lieutenant Shaheen investigating them? MASOUD: She wouldn't tell me. GIBBS: Names. MASOUD: I don't know. Did these men kill Lieutenant Shaheen, Agent Gibbs? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I got it. Thanks. (TO GIBBS) Hey, Major Raines gave us their names, Boss. Asad Al Qutaji and Youssef Zidan. They're sharing a house in Washington. No record of employment since they arrived. ZIVA: Abby thinks there could have been two shooters. GIBBS: Get Major Raines in here. TONY: Already on his way. (PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Get down here...... bullets. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Thanks. (TO GIBBS) Boss, I think there's something you need to see. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY MCGEE: It was in her report, only no one read it.(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN) GIBBS: What report? MCGEE: Ruby's report. She just got here. Hey Ruby. RUBY: Hi, Agent Gibbs. MCGEE: Ah, bear with us here for a second. ABBY: You're going to love this, Gibbs. MCGEE: Ready? RUBY: Okay. So the shot casing I collected from the crime scene had quite a lot of undischarged powder in it. It was all kind of clogged inside. So I did a test. This is the same amount of powder found in a normal nine-millimeter shell. (SFX: MUFFLED EXPLOSION) RUBY: And this is similar to the powder I found in our shell casing. A bit like my last boyfriend. The powder was degraded by some type of oil. The first round didn't even leave the barrel, so he fired again. The second round hit the first, and they both left the barrel in tandem. ABBY: Which is why the first round was at low velocity, and the second round was all mashed up and unrecognizable. I'm surprised the barrel didn't rupture. RUBY: Maybe it did. MCGEE: Not two weapons, boss, just one. RUBY: One weapon. One shooter. GIBBS: That's good work. (V.O.) Tell Dinozzo I'll need another search warrant. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY RAINES: Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Oh, thanks for coming, Major. Have a seat. RAINES: I came down to give you what I could. Their files are missing. GIBBS: Oh, I know where they are. RAINES: You do? GIBBS: Lieutenant Shaheen's briefcase. RAINES: You found it? GIBBS: Not yet. RAINES: Bad luck. GIBBS: Not for you. RAINES: I'm sorry? TONY: Operation Cauldron relocated three Iraqi men from Baghdad to the United States after they supplied intelligence on the insurgency in Baghdad. RAINES: That's right. ZIVA: Masoud Tariq gave you first class intelligence. In comparison, the other ones gave you far less, Major Raines. But they still came to America. RAINES: Lieutenant Shaheen... GIBBS: Wasn't investigating them. She was investigating you. How much did they pay you for the new life in America? RAINES: I don't know what you're talking about, Agent Gibbs. ZIVA: For an intelligence officer, you're not very intelligent. GIBBS: What's your license plate number? RAINES: I drive a Pentagon car. ZIVA: Kilo-echo-four-seven-one-three-nine. TONY: You signed it out last Friday. GIBBS: Masoud had suspicious neighbors looking for terrorists. He found you. ZIVA: You followed Lieutenant Shaheen, parked the car down the street and waited while she met Masoud. Not very smart. GIBBS: Neither was killing her. RAINES: All right, so I followed her because it was me investigating her. She's the one who got paid off. I didn't say anything because I didn't want her name ruined after she was dead. GIBBS: Take off your gloves. RAINES: What? ZIVA: Gloves, off! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/RAINES TAKES OFF THE GLOVE) RAINES: I had a minor accident over the weekend. GIBBS: The barrel on your weapon exploded. ZIVA: Guess you tossed it in the river. GIBBS: You should have tossed your ammo, too. (BEAT) McGee. MCGEE: Found them in Major Raines' garage, Boss. Served the warrant to his wife. TONY: I hate it when that happens. ZIVA: What's that? Sump oil? MCGEE: Oh, I'm sure we'll be able to tell you exactly after we match it to the casing found at the murder scene. GIBBS: How much. (SHOUTS) Hey!! How much? RAINES: Half a million. Lieutenant Shaheen always suspected. ZIVA: It could have been anyone. Criminals, insurgents, Al Qaeda. RAINES: You think I didn't check them out? They were just a couple of rich kids who wanted to get the hell out of there and come party in America. Just rich kids, that's all. ZIVA: Pity Lieutenant Shaheen had to pay the price. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) ZIVA: Uh, Gibbs, about this morning. GIBBS: Oh, come on. Are you starting this again? ZIVA: It's my Mossad training. They drummed it into us. Push, push, push, push, push, push, push. Never give up until you get to the truth. GIBBS: Or get your ass kicked. ZIVA: Or get your ass kicked. I thought you sent Tony back because of his um... illness. GIBBS: His illness? ZIVA: He has two cell phones. Makes furtive calls to hospital. Goes missing for hours. Always lies about where he's been. I mean, he doesn't even talk about women anymore. The only logical explanation is that he's receiving outpatient treatment for a serious medical problem. GIBBS: That's not the only explanation. (LONG BEAT) You know, for a couple of rich kids, Asad and Youssef aren't exactly living it up. (SFX: CAR DOORS OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SIDE OF HOUSE - DAY ZIVA: You think they'll be deported?(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS AND ZIVA WALKS TO THE GATE) GIBBS: Yeah, probably.(ZIVA AND GIBBS CHASE ASAD) ASAD: (V.O.) Youssef! Youssef! (IN ARABIC) Quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY YOUSSEF: (IN ARABIC) What is it? ASAD: (IN ARABIC) They're coming for us! ZIVA: (IN ARABIC) Down on the floor! Now! GIBBS: Turn around. (YOUSSEF SHOUTS IN ARABIC) (GIBBS PUNCHES YOUSSEF/ YOUSSEF FALLS TO THE GROUND) (SFX: YOUSSEF MOANS B.G.) ZIVA: Gibbs. SWISH PAN TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT JEANNE: (GIGGLING) How can I possibly believe all that? TONY: It's all true. JEANNE: The roses? TONY: True. JEANNE: Hmm. The runaway horse? TONY: I still have the scars. JEANNE: Where? TONY: Okay. Right there. JEANNE: Oh! TONY: Yes. JEANNE: Shall I kiss it and make it better? TONY: You do whatever you think is best, Doctor. I'm not going to stop you. This is illegal in some Southern states. (SFX: PAGER BEEPS) JEANNE: Oh, pager! Oh! TONY: Oh, just tell them you're performing a delicate emergency procedure and you'll call them back later. JEANNE: I couldn't do that to them. (SFX: DIAL TONE) TONY: I could. (TONY THROWS THE PAGER ACROSS THE ROOM) JEANNE: You... did not just do that. (SFX: KSSING) TONY: You like it, don't you? JEANNE: Greedy. (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (MUSIC OUT) (ENDING CREDITS AND OUT)	Plan: A: a Marine; Q: Who was murdered in a small town hotel room? A: NCIS; Q: Who is called in to investigate the murder of a Marine? A: things; Q: What takes a nosedive when NCIS learns that the local Sheriff's department already cleaned up the crime scene? A: Iraqi; Q: What nationality is the suspect in the murder of a Marine? A: a few months earlier; Q: How long ago did the Iraqi national move to the town? A: evidence; Q: What did NCIS receive that suggested an active terrorist cell might be in play in the town? Summary: When a Marine is murdered in a small town hotel room, NCIS is called in to investigate. However, things take a nosedive when they learn that the local Sheriff's department already cleaned up the crime scene and performed an autopsy. They also have a suspect - an Iraqi national who just moved to the town a few months earlier. But NCIS later receive evidence suggesting that an active terrorist cell might be in play in the town, and the national is not quite the man they believe he is.
Broadcast: 6 June, 1964 Duration: 25 minutes 27 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. BARRACKS TLOTOXL: A false goddess forbids it! (To IXTA.) Destroy him! BARBARA: (Behind them all.) Stop! (She has entered the room unseen by all. The fight stops. She walks up to TLOTOXL, who looks at her with contempt.) TLOTOXL: Your place is in the temple. BARBARA: I am loyal to those who serve me. TLOTOXL: (Points at the fight.) If you are Yetaxa...save him!! (BARBARA looks down uncertainly at the groggy IAN and then seizes a knife which she holds at a TLOTOXL'S throat.) BARBARA: If my servant dies, so does Tlotoxl! (To IXTA.) Put it down. (He puts the club down.) BARBARA: I did as you commanded. Now you must obey me. Those who serve me shall not be punished. TLOTOXL: (With reluctance.) So be it. PERFECT VICTIM: (Clacks the sticks together again.) The contest is ended. Ixta may not claim the victory. (He hands the sticks over to TONILA and leaves. Everyone bows to him.) AUTLOC: (To the guards.) Attend Yetaxa's servant. Take the old man to the courtyard. And in obedience to Yetaxa, release him. (TLOTOXL walks over to IAN, now unconscious on the table. He snatches up the thorn stuck in IAN'S wrist, snags IXTA, and drags him off to the side.) TLOTOXL: Is it true? The old man gave you this ... to win a victory? IXTA: It is true. TLOTOXL: It is not magic...it is the juice from a plant. Tonila will know. Why did he aid you? IXTA: It was a trick. He did not know that I was to fight Ian. He promised to help me if I told him the secrets of my work. TLOTOXL: What secrets? IXTA: How the tomb of Yetaxa may be opened. TLOTOXL: (He thinks about this.) I must question him about it. (He turns to leave. IXTA holds him back.) IXTA: Tlotoxl, what of Ian? He was at my mercy. TLOTOXL: So shall he be again, I promise it. IXTA: And next time, you will honour your promise! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (BARBARA sits on the temple throne.) AUTLOC: Tlotoxl was humiliated. He will not forget, nor will he forgive. BARBARA: I did as he commanded. AUTLOC: But not as he expected. BARBARA: What did he want? A miracle? AUTLOC: We all awaited it. BARBARA: Why should I use divine powers, when human ability will suffice? AUTLOC: Yetaxa has spoken. (BARBARA rises from the throne.) BARBARA: Has the High Priest of Knowledge thought about my prophecy? AUTLOC: I have. It is true that if we defy the gods, we shall be destroyed. BARBARA: There are two ways. The gods' way - and Tlotoxl's. Which is evil and must be destroyed. AUTLOC: He is the High Priest of Sacrifice... (BARBARA walks out onto the terrace. AUTLOC follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE BARBARA: When is the next sacrifice? AUTLOC: Three days from today. The moon will pass before the sun, and all will be in darkness. BARBARA: At noon? AUTLOC: Even so. BARBARA: (Nods.) There's to be an eclipse. And Tlotoxl will offer human blood so that the sun will shine again. AUTLOC: Yes. BARBARA: But it's a trick! As the High Priest of Knowledge, you know the sun will shine again! AUTLOC: Unless the gods withdraw their favour from us... BARBARA: Am I not a god? Support me. Tlotoxl won't dare defy us both! AUTLOC: (In a conflict.) If I take that course, there is no way back for me...In all humility, I beg you...do not deceive me or prove false to me. (A look of guilt appears on BARBARA'S face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR is relaxing in the garden again, studying a plant in his hands as he sits on the stone bench. TLOTOXL is also here, looking over the plant the DOCTOR used.) TLOTOXL: The priest Tonila's knowledge of plants has served me well. DOCTOR: (Not looking up at him.) I am delighted. TLOTOXL: What manner of servant are you? DOCTOR: (Waves him off.) Oh, go away Tlotoxl! TLOTOXL: I am curious about you. First you try to give Ixta a victory... DOCTOR: Ixta cheated me. TLOTOXL: I wonder... DOCTOR: I am faithful to my friends. TLOTOXL: Yet you deceive Yetaxa. DOCTOR: Not at all. (TLOTOXL sits by the DOCTOR.) TLOTOXL: You tried to get into the tomb without her knowledge. (The DOCTOR stiffens.) TLOTOXL: What is it you want from the tomb? DOCTOR: What is it you want from me, hmm? TLOTOXL: I want but one thing. Proof that she is a false goddess. (The DOCTOR gets up.) DOCTOR: Then open the tomb! TLOTOXL: That cannot be achieved. DOCTOR: Talk to Ixta. He has some drawings. TLOTOXL: In whose service are you? DOCTOR: I serve the truth. Help me Tlotoxl, and I promise you...you will find it... (He walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. BARRACKS (IAN recovers consciousness. He sees IXTA fondling a knife. He struggles to get up in a panic, but IXTA puts a calming hand on him.) IXTA: Do not be afraid of me, Ian. Now that I can defeat you openly, I have no need to destroy you in secret. IAN: Whatever it was you scratched me with beat me. Not you, Ixta. IXTA: Did you yourself not say "Use stealth, surprise your enemy?" IAN: True. IXTA: Did I not do those things? IAN: Yes, you did. IXTA: A thorn, some poison and the aged servant of Yetaxa. IAN: (Surprised and shocked.) Did the Doctor help you?! IXTA: Your friends make strange allies, Ian. IAN: Did he know you were going to fight me? IXTA: No. IAN: (He laughs gently.) I need some fresh air. IXTA: Let me help you. (He pulls IAN up.) Now that I have proved that I can be the victor, we too can be friends, for the little while that you have left to live. IAN: Oh...I'm gonna die, am I? IXTA: (Grins.) Oh yes. Next time, I shall not fail to kill you. (TLOTOXL and TONILA enter.) TLOTOXL: Ixta ... (He notices IAN.) I see your strength has been restored to you. IAN: Don't tell me you're my friend now. (TLOTOXL glowers and pulls IXTA aside.) TLOTOXL: Ixta, I have need of the drawings. IXTA: The ones I promised to the old man? (He smiles.) None exist. The secret of the tomb died with my father. (IAN, still slightly groggy, snaps to attention at hearing this.) TLOTOXL: Why did he not set it down? IXTA: He thought to, but disappeared before it could be done. IAN: So that's why the Doctor prepared the thorn for you! IXTA: (Grins.) Yes. And now the old man waits in vain for the drawings. (He claps IAN on the shoulder.) Stealth and cunning, Ian. (He leads the un-amused IAN out of the barracks. TLOTOXL pulls TONILA to talk. IAN separates from IXTA and puts himself by the door to listen in.) TLOTOXL: You are well versed in these matters, Tonila. Just as the old man helped Ixta defeat Ian, so shall you help me destroy the false Yetaxa! IXTA: (OOV.) Ian? (IAN walks off to join IXTA.) TONILA: (Shaking his head.) I cannot do this. No, I will not! Destroy the gods and we destroy ourselves! TLOTOXL: The gods are immortal, are they not? TONILA: Yes. TLOTOXL: Then how can we, mere flesh and blood, destroy them? TONILA: But did you not suggest the use of knowledge of poisons against Yetaxa? TLOTOXL: I say that such a test would prove the woman. If she dies, she is mortal. If she lives, then she is indeed the spirit of Yetaxa returned. Now would you deny yourself the glory, Tonila, of seeing the gods proved before your eyes? TONILA: (Pauses, then ... ) I shall prepare the mixture. Then you and I and Autloc will test Yetaxa. TLOTOXL: Er ... Autloc? I think not. TONILA: But why not? TLOTOXL: His mind is set that she is Yetaxa. He would forbid the test. No, you and I will do this thing, Tonila. (He smiles.) For once the High Priest of Knowledge shall be in ignorance. (TONILA still looks uncertain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (AUTLOC is meeting with CAMECA in the garden. On the other side of the garden, the DOCTOR is looking over a stone carving on the wall. CAMECA is holding a clay cup in her hands.) AUTLOC: Such happiness, Cameca, outshines the sun. CAMECA: And may outlast it, Autloc. AUTLOC: What brings about such joy? (CAMECA looks at the DOCTOR.) AUTLOC: Then I am grateful to him. You carry cocoa beans. For barter? CAMECA: I've been to the market and obtained food. AUTLOC: (He smiles, understanding.) Then, uh...these must be for drink? CAMECA: Only the gods may know... AUTLOC: And mortals live in hope. CAMECA: He is a gentle companion and most dear to me. AUTLOC: Then prepare these beans as a love potion. CAMECA: Oh, that would be too bold! Rather should he show his love for me. AUTLOC: You wish him to prepare it? (She pauses with a slight embarrassment.) CAMECA: Yes. AUTLOC: Good fortune. (He leaves, and CAMECA walks up to the DOCTOR.) CAMECA: I greet the good and noble Doctor. DOCTOR: Ah, my dear Cameca, how nice to see you again! The garden's been a lonely place without you. CAMECA: When one's interest is held, loneliness does not exist. DOCTOR: I was merely passing the time until you arrived. Oh, umm... (The DOCTOR turns and points out a sign carved into the garden wall. A coiled snake.) DOCTOR: This sign...I, uh...I haven't noticed it before. CAMECA: It is Yetaxa's sign. In almost every building honour is paid to Yetaxa. DOCTOR: Oh, really? CAMECA: Mm hmm. (CAMECA suddenly spills several dozen cocoa beans on the bench as she starts to sit down.) DOCTOR: Oh! Oh my dear... (He starts to pick them up with her.) DOCTOR: Cocoa beans! CAMECA: We use these to barter for our daily needs. DOCTOR: What an excellent idea - a currency you can drink! Delicious! CAMECA: Do you know our customs? DOCTOR: (Lying.) Why yes, my dear, of course! CAMECA: The drinking of cocoa has its own ... special meaning... DOCTOR: Yes, I agree! A rare delight! We shall take a cup together! CAMECA: (Joyful.) Are you certain? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, quite. Now give me some beans, and I'll prepare them. (CAMECA pours some beans into the DOCTOR'S hands.) CAMECA: You insist upon this? DOCTOR: I do. I insist, absolutely! As a token of my esteem, hmm? CAMECA: (Smiles.) The gods are smiling favour through your eyes, may it always be so! My dear Doctor, I accept with all my heart! DOCTOR: Wait here, my dear. (He starts to walk off but turns back momentarily.) DOCTOR: I'll be back! (He walks off, leaving a very happy CAMECA behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (IAN has arrived at the temple to warn BARBARA.) BARBARA: Why do you take such risks? IAN: Because I overheard something that Tlotoxl said to Tonila. BARBARA: Tonila? I didn't know they were allies... IAN: They're planning something against you. I'm sure of it. BARBARA: I'll watch them both. (She walk outs of the temple to the terrace with IAN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE BARBARA: Tlotoxl's dangerous. He seems able to bring people round to his way of thinking. IAN: You've got it all wrong, Barbara. All the people here share Tlotoxl's views. BARBARA: What about Autloc? (Sighs.) Oh, I'm sick and tired of all this arguing and quarreling. First the Doctor, and now you. Why can't you see what I'm trying to do? IAN: I can. BARBARA: Well, you're not helping. Tlotoxl's evil, and he'll make everyone else the same. IAN: They are the same, Barbara! That's the whole point! You keep on insisting that Tlotoxl's the odd man out, but he isn't. BARBARA: I don't believe it. IAN: Well, you must. If only you could stand away from this thing, you'd see it clearly. Autloc's the extraordinary man here. He's the reasonable one, the civilized one, the one that's prepared to listen to advice. But he's one man, Barbara! One man! BARBARA: And everything I've tried to do...? (Finally conceding defeat. BARBARA walks back into the temple.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TEMPLE MAIN CHAMBER BARBARA: Oh, I...I thought I could alter them. IAN: You can't fight a whole way of life, Barbara. BARBARA: I suppose not. I've just been fooling myself. Ian, what can we do? IAN: We can get into that tomb and leave them alone. BARBARA: Yes. Ian, I... (She looks over at the door.) BARBARA: Someone coming. (IAN runs to hide in a corner of the temple. BARBARA retakes the throne as TLOTOXL and TONILA come in. TONILA holds a cup in his hand. They both bow before her.) TLOTOXL: We greet Yetaxa. BARBARA: (Sharply.) What do you want here? TLOTOXL: I come before Yetaxa in humility. BARBARA: Such quiet words do you credit. TLOTOXL: We have both spoken hot words and thought black deeds, and I must be the one to find a common ground. TONILA: End this conflict... (He holds out the cup.) TLOTOXL: Drink this draft with us, as a symbol of our new friendship, and then I will serve you. And whatever words Yetaxa speaks, I shall echo. (He offers the cup to her again, bowing.) TONILA: I am the witness. BARBARA: Then I accept. TLOTOXL: I hear your words, and I rejoice! (He takes the cup and offers it to her and the two Priests bow. She takes the cup and raises it to her lips. Behind them, IAN momentarily jumps out of hiding and waves frantically to BARBARA, warning her. She sees this and lowers the cup without taking a drink. TLOTOXL and TONILA raise themselves from their bowing position, TLOTOXL noticing with a frown that BARBARA has not taken a drink from the cup.) BARBARA: Tlotoxl, you do believe me to be Yetaxa? TLOTOXL: (Smiling.) I shall proclaim you when we stand together before the people. BARBARA: Then I would have you perform one small service. For as I prove my faith in you, so must you prove yours to me. TLOTOXL: (Still smiling.) Tell me quickly that I may obey, and all the past be forgotten. (She holds out the cup to him.) BARBARA: Drink first. TLOTOXL: What? BARBARA: (Sharply.) Drink it! (She holds the cup out to TONILA. Both of them take a step back backwards.) BARBARA: So this is your "friendship"! (She flings the cup at the floor, shattering it, and down out of her throne.) BARBARA: You defile this temple!! Get out of my sight! Go! (TONILA rushes out. TLOTOXL starts to run as well ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE ( ... but stumbles against the altar.) TLOTOXL: I only meant to test you! BARBARA: With poison?! TLOTOXL: Yetaxa would have lived! The gods are immortal! BARBARA: Well, I would have died - I am not Yetaxa! (He bolts to his feet.) TLOTOXL: False! False, I knew ... ! BARBARA: And who'll believe you? I warn you, Tlotoxl. You say one word against me to the people and I'll have them destroy you. Destroy you! (TLOTOXL slinks away. BARBARA removes her headdress as IAN comes out of hiding and hugs her.) IAN: Don't worry, Barbara. We'll be all right. We'll get away from this place. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (Meanwhile, the DOCTOR has finished making two cups of hot cocoa for himself and CAMECA which they each hold in their hands, ready to drink.) DOCTOR: Happy days, my dear. CAMECA: The happiest of my life, dear heart. DOCTOR: Hmm. (They both take a sip.) CAMECA: Was ever such a potion brewed? In bliss is quenched my thirsty heart. DOCTOR: Very prettily put, my dear. CAMECA: Oh sweet favoured man, you have declared your love for me. And I acknowledge and accept your gentle proposal! (The DOCTOR chokes, almost spewing out the hot chocolate.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE (TONILA and AUTLOC are conversing quietly outside the temple. TLOTOXL is nearby, staring out at the city silently.) AUTLOC: What progress do our pupils make at the seminary, Tonila? TONILA: All are diligent in their studies. AUTLOC: And how does Yetaxa's handmaiden fare? (At the mention of "Yetaxa," TLOTOXL looks up, and listens in to the conversation.) TONILA: Her intelligence far exceeds that of the others. And she has knowledge of things known only to the Priests. AUTLOC: You are surprised? She also serves the gods. TLOTOXL: (Loudly.) She serves other gods than ours! AUTLOC: (Walks over to him.) Tlotoxl, when will you cease to doubt Yetaxa's divinity? TLOTOXL: I know she is false! She has come amongst us to destroy us! AUTLOC: Or to save us. (AUTLOC walks off. TLOTOXL walks over to TONILA.) TLOTOXL: Autloc believes in Yetaxa. What of you? TONILA: I'm not sure. I do not know whose voice to hear. TLOTOXL: When I have the proof, my voice will be like thunder in the sky! (To himself.) But what is the way? She is too clever... (He thinks of something, louder to TONILA.) Her handmaiden, alone in the seminary. TONILA: She is intelligent and self-willed. TLOTOXL: Tell me about her. TONILA: One day, in the presence of Autloc and myself, she said she would only marry someone of her own choosing. TLOTOXL: She would not marry on advice or for honour? TONILA: Not unless she chose the man. TLOTOXL: (With a sly grin.) Then we must find a suitable husband for her, Tonila. Yetaxa's weakness lies not in herself, but in her servants... [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SEMINARY (AUTLOC is continuing his tutoring of SUSAN.) AUTLOC: In the annals of Cuauhtitlan, there is the myth of the five suns in the sky. Name them. (As SUSAN speaks, TONILA and the PERFECT VICTIM walk in.) SUSAN: The first was known as Four-Tiger, the second the sun of air, the third the sun of fire and rain, the fourth the sun of water and finally, the present one, the sun of Man. AUTLOC: Excellent, Susan. TONILA: (Interrupting.) I greet you, Autloc. (TONILA and the PERFECT VICTIM salute. AUTLOC returns it.) AUTLOC: I honour you. But why do you come her? PERFECT VICTIM: (Walking over to SUSAN.) It is my wish to look upon her. AUTLOC: Do you know who she is? PERFECT VICTIM: Does she know who I am? AUTLOC: No. PERFECT VICTIM: Tell her. (He stares at a very uncomfortable SUSAN.) AUTLOC: In a few days time, Susan, darkness will descend upon the land, even though it is day. TONILA: The sun will be hidden from our eyes. SUSAN: You mean there'll be an eclipse. AUTLOC: At that time, a sacrifice will be made to the Sun God, and this young man... (He puts a hand on the PERFECT VICTIM'S shoulder.) SUSAN: (Realising.) ...is to be the victim. (She turns away from them.) Oh, it's horrible... PERFECT VICTIM: But it is a great honour for me to be chosen... (SUSAN will not return his look. He walks over to the door, thinking, then turns and addresses the priests.) PERFECT VICTIM: I shall take her as my bride. (SUSAN whirls around with a contemptuous smile on her face.) SUSAN: Bride?! He thinks I'll marry him? He must be mad! TONILA: (A note of warning in his voice.) For these last few days of life, all that he desires is granted to him. SUSAN: Well, that doesn't include me! Let him die if he wants to die, but don't ask me to marry him! AUTLOC: It is the Aztec law, Susan. SUSAN: Well, it's barbaric! I won't do it - I won't! (The PERFECT VICTIM walks up to her, staring again, She doesn't return his gaze. He finally gives up and stalks out of the room.) TONILA: For this, you will be most severely punished. AUTLOC: But Tonila ... TONILA: (In a tone that will allow no argument.) She has broken the law. It must be reported to Tlotoxl. (He walks out of the room. AUTLOC walks up to SUSAN.) AUTLOC: Whatever's in my power, I shall do... SUSAN: (In a shaky whisper.) You're monsters...all of you monsters... (She runs from him. AUTLOC stares helplessly at her, as she sags against the door sobbing.) SUSAN: Grandfather...grandfather... [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR is still studying the carved symbol of Yetaxa, built into the temple wall. He jumps when CAMECA addresses him from behind.) CAMECA: My dear, I am glad to find you alone ... (He recovers instantly and takes her hand.) DOCTOR: Oh, Cameca! CAMECA: I have a gift for you. It signifies my love for you. (The DOCTOR takes a dark medallion from her hand and holds it up.) CAMECA: It came from Yetaxa's tomb. DOCTOR: From where? CAMECA: The tomb. See, it has Yetaxa's sign on it! DOCTOR: Magnificent, my dear. Where did you get it? CAMECA: Ixta's father. (At the DOCTOR'S look.) He was in love with me. He gave it me the night before he disappeared. DOCTOR: In this garden? CAMECA: Yes. He was never seen again. (She leans against the DOCTOR'S shoulder.) CAMECA: But all this is a long time ago, and I now look forward to a life of bliss with you... DOCTOR: And I with you, my dear. CAMECA: Peace and contentment. DOCTOR: Serenity. CAMECA: We must have a garden of our own. (His eyes suddenly light up.) DOCTOR: Yes, why not? A garden of our own... [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (TONILA and TLOTOXL walk in, followed by half a dozen guards. They wait for BARBARA to meet them before bowing.) BARBARA: Why do you attend me? TONILA: There is a matter we will place before you. (BARBARA sits upon the throne.) BARBARA: Tonila, you wish the gods to favour you with their good opinions? TONILA: Yes. BARBARA: Yet you sin against them with your test of poison. TLOTOXL: Let us talk of this ... BARBARA: (Sharply.) Be quiet! (Pause, then calmly.) Tonila, we freely forgive you your sins against us. (TLOTOXL comes up to her, almost pleading.) TLOTOXL: What is the punishment for one who talks out against our teachings? BARBARA: In public? TONILA: Yes. And after warnings. BARBARA: Who heard this? TONILA: Autloc and I. BARBARA: Autloc? TLOTOXL: Then it must be true. TONILA: (He braces himself.) Great spirit, the penalty is set. The offender must be publicly scourged and ridiculed. TLOTOXL: The tongue and ears must be pierced with thorns! BARBARA: (Sickened.) No. I cannot agree to that. TLOTOXL: Would you deny a punishment that Autloc himself upholds? TONILA: Without discipline, what purpose is there? We would all scatter and give way to weakness! BARBARA: (Thoughtful.) When is this punishment to take place? TONILA: On the day of darkness. TLOTOXL: Before the people. You must be there, so that all may know the gravity of the offence. BARBARA: I wish my servants to be present. The two men, and my handmaiden. TLOTOXL: (His voice tinged with irony.) I shall arrange it. The two men...and your handmaiden...shall be there. (TLOTOXL smiles at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. BARRACKS (The DOCTOR is with IAN at the barracks. They have taken a seat, and the DOCTOR is showing him the medallion.) DOCTOR: That came out of the tomb. And the man who discovered it later disappeared in the garden. And on the wall is a stone with Yetaxa's sign on it. IAN: You mean there's a tunnel, from there to the tomb? DOCTOR: (Rubbing his chin.) Yes, that's what I suspect. IAN: (Looking at the medallion again.) Where did you get hold of this? DOCTOR: My fiancée. IAN: I see - (He looks up.) Your what!? DOCTOR: (Still rubbing his chin.) Yes. I made some cocoa, and got engaged. (IAN laughs to the DOCTORS annoyance.) DOCTOR: (Getting up.) Oh, don't giggle, my boy! It's neither here nor there. We must find that tunnel tonight! IAN: (Still laughing.) Yes, all right... DOCTOR: Now, I'll wait for you in the garden. And when Ixta's asleep, you come out. IAN: Yes, I will, all right. (The DOCTOR turns to go.) IAN: Oh, by the way...Doctor? (The DOCTOR faces him.) IAN: Congratulations. (IAN cracks up again. Steaming, the DOCTOR storms out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (AUTLOC is by BARBARA'S side as she sits on the throne. The room is filled with guards.) AUTLOC: (To BARBARA.) Is it still your intention to intervene at the human sacrifice? BARBARA: Yes. AUTLOC: I shall match your courage, Yetaxa. BARBARA: Thank you, Autloc. AUTLOC: I thought...it grieves my heart, as it must yours... BARBARA: Ah, I shan't be sorry to see the end of the sacrifices. AUTLOC: I refer to your handmaiden. BARBARA: Susan? What about her? AUTLOC: She spoke against our teachings. (BARBARA slowly gets up as she realises what has happened.) BARBARA: So, she is the one to be punished...I must stop it, Autloc. AUTLOC: You cannot ... BARBARA: Yes I can. She'll be punished at the eclipse. So when we've stopped the human sacrifice, I can order Tlotoxl to release her. AUTLOC: But Susan will be punished first, before the sacrifice... BARBARA: (Her voice plaintive.) I can't let him harm her. I can't... AUTLOC: Would you sacrifice us to spare your handmaiden pain? (BARBARA doesn't answer ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. BARRACKS (NIGHT) (IXTA and IAN are asleep on the floor of the barracks. IAN'S eyes open. He glances at IXTA and sees that he is fast asleep. He gets up and leaves the barracks. However, IXTA'S suddenly eyes open. He gets up, grabs a knife and puts it in his tunic, and follows IAN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (NIGHT) (Using his walking stick as a crowbar, the DOCTOR struggles to loosen the stone in the temple wall but he's not having any success. Suddenly, he jumps up, having heard something coming up. He grabs his stick and runs into the bushes to hide.) IAN: (Coming up.) Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR: (Coming out of hiding.) Ian! (He taps at the stone with his stick.) DOCTOR: I can't move that image! IAN: Let me try ... (He grabs at the stone's edges, tugging at the top edge. It starts to move..) IAN: Yes ... it does move... DOCTOR: Good... (He pulls the stone down, revealing a small passageway. The DOCTOR frantically looks around, making sure they're not being watched.) IAN: There is a tunnel! DOCTOR: Yes. (The DOCTOR makes as if to crawl into the tunnel.) DOCTOR: You stand guard ... IAN: (He pulls him back.) No no no no! I'll go. DOCTOR: Both of us ... IAN: No no no, Doctor! It's too dangerous! DOCTOR: No, wait a minute, wait a minute ... (The DOCTOR reaches into his coat, pulls out his pen torch and gives it to IAN.) DOCTOR: Take that, you might need it. IAN: Ah yes, thanks... (IAN climbs into the tunnel, however, on the other side of the garden, IXTA is watching the whole sequence of events.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. TUNNEL (IAN plays the torchlight over the walls of the tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (With the DOCTOR still watching the tunnel, IXTA walks right up to the DOCTOR, one hand on his sheathed knife. The DOCTOR finally turns, sees him, and jumps.) DOCTOR: Ahh!! (Recovers fast.) Yes, a pleasant evening... IXTA: A fine night for walking? DOCTOR: Yes, exactly! I-I was just about to do that. IXTA: I myself could not sleep? DOCTOR: Oh dear, what a pity, um... (His eyes keep straying toward the open tunnel ... and IXTA notices this.) IXTA: That stone must be replaced. DOCTOR: Hmm...oh yes, er ... somebody must have moved it, I suppose ... they had a reason. I should leave it where it is. (IXTA grabs the stone by its edges and works it back toward the opening.) IXTA: The garden would be ruined. DOCTOR: (Increasingly jittery.) Ehh ... what do you mean, ruined? IXTA: There's a tunnel - my father built it. A water course from a lake in the hills. Would you see the garden flooded? DOCTOR: Oh, but it's perfectly dry! IXTA: There's a small gate near the entrance by the lake. It is opened and closed often. (Grunting with effort.) I must replace the stone before the tunnel fills with water... (The DOCTOR, stood behind him, is racked with nerves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. TUNNEL (Inside, IAN shines the pocket flashlight across the dark, damp stone walls...he hears a noise, and suddenly whirls around to see.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (IXTA shoves the stone into its position with a smile of triumph on his face. He looks at a silent DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. TUNNEL (With the entrance blocked, IAN turns around and starts walking hunched down the tunnel, shining the light before him. He pauses and hears the sound of water coming towards him ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR stares coldly at the smirking IXTA as they hear the water...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. INT. TUNNEL (The water rushes over IAN'S ankles and he is trapped ... )	Plan: A: the TARDIS; Q: What vehicle leads the Doctor and his crew to the Aztec people? A: 15th century; Q: When did the TARDIS arrive in Mexico? A: the doomed Aztec people; Q: What people do the Doctor and Barbara meet in Mexico? A: brutal savagery; Q: What is the Aztec people a mixture of high culture and? A: Matters; Q: What is further complicated when Barbara is mistaken for a god? A: a god andthe Doctor; Q: What is Barbara mistaken for? Summary: The arrival of the TARDIS in 15th century Mexico leads the crew to the doomed Aztec people, a mixture of high culture and brutal savagery. Matters are further complicated when Barbara is mistaken for a god andthe Doctor becomes engaged to be married.
Counterplot 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CORRIDOR (SARA KINGDOM comes out of the office.) SARA KINGDOM: (Shouts.) Borkar! Borkar, where are you? (BORKAR, another security guard, comes running in from the other end of the corridor.) BORKAR: Yes? SARA KINGDOM: The two fugitives have escaped. All exits to the main block are to be guarded. (BORKAR points his gun at the body of Bret Vyon who lies out of sight in the office.) BORKAR: That's Bret Vyon! SARA KINGDOM: Yes, he's dead. The others must be killed as well. They will be shot on sight... (BORKAR runs off to obey the order. SARA calls after him.) SARA KINGDOM: But aim for the head! (She runs off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. ANOTHER CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and STEVEN run down the corridor and stop by a closed door marked with a large 'J'.) DOCTOR: Where's Bret? STEVEN: He's right behind us, I think. He's probably dealing with that girl. DOCTOR: Oh, most irritating man! (The DOCTOR presses a switch next to the door which then slides open.) DOCTOR: Come along in here, quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CHAMBER (They enter a brightly-lit room through a curved archway. Unusual angled screen-like panels stand on the edge of the room forming a square.) STEVEN: Strange room. DOCTOR: Now I wonder what that is? (The DOCTOR points to a small satellite-like device in the middle of the room. Mice can be seen in the perspex centre part of the device. The creatures are on an upper level of the device. In the lower level, there are various pieces of machinery. It emits a regular pulsing sound, almost like a signal. They walk over to examine it.) STEVEN: Yeah, there are mice inside. Funny sort of cage for mice. DOCTOR: Yes, it, er, could be some kind of...transmitter, mm? (STEVEN glances at the door.) STEVEN: Hope Bret finds us. DOCTOR: Well, I suggest you stay at that door and if you hear any noise outside it's bound to be him. STEVEN: Yes, if he's moving fast enough. (STEVEN moves to the edge of the room listening for noise while the DOCTOR takes a closer look at the device and mutters to himself...) DOCTOR: Yes, mice, yes. Perhaps it is some kind of experiment? [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CONTROL ROOM (In a room where the walls are covered in control panels are two scientists - the dark haired FROYN and the older, white haired, slightly doddering RHYNMAL. They wear dark patterned sleeveless tunics embossed with an abstract pattern over lighter tops. They are performing final checks before their experiment on the wall panel instruments and on control consoles in the middle of the room. FROYN, sat at a central console, speaks to his older companion.) FROYN: Are they ready yet? RHYNMAL: Pressure count seems to have risen again. FROYN: We'll have to go ahead anyway. All Continuum readings are perfect. RHYNMAL: No, wait, just for a moment. (BORKAR and a Technic enter the room through a sliding door. They quickly look round.) BORKAR: Have you seen two strangers? FROYN: Get out! BORKAR: We're looking for two men who headed in this direction. FROYN: I don't care who you're looking for. We're in the middle of a highly complicated experiment - now get out of here! RHYNMAL: We're all right now. All readings registering normal. FROYN: Good. (To the security men.) Once again, will you get out of here? (The two security men leave, sliding shut the panelled door behind them. FROYN goes back to his console.) FROYN: Starting dissemination countdown in ten seconds...from...now. (He presses a switch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CHAMBER (STEVEN walks back into the room from the doorway.) STEVEN: I think I heard someone. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CORRIDOR (SARA KINGDOM is quietly sliding up to the door of the chamber with a gun in her hand. She opens and enters the door. The Technic rounds the corner a second later and sees her enter the room and then hears her imperious voice call out.) SARA KINGDOM: (OOV: Inside the room.) You will stay right where you are, both of you. (The Technic runs off to get help.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CHAMBER (SARA keeps the DOCTOR and STEVEN covered with her gun.) SARA KINGDOM: I'll give you five seconds to hand over that Taranium. DOCTOR: Let me speak, please... SARA KINGDOM: The Taranium! (Suddenly the room is filled with a brilliant light and a loud piercing electronic noise. SARA'S face is filled with pain. The DOCTOR and STEVEN have the same reaction. The glare in the room increases along with the build-up of the noise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CORRIDOR (The noise carries through the plant. The Technic has fetched BORKAR and they both rush up to the closed door. BORKAR starts to bang on the door.) BORKAR: ... Open up! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CONTROL ROOM (Both FROYN and RHYNMAL are checking readings from their instruments.) FROYN: Time molecule absorption. Planet-side power falling. (They both activate some controls. FROYN crosses over to where RHYNMAL is sat looking over some read-outs.) RHYNMAL: Projections alpha zero, zero, zeta. Instruments register perfect dissemination. FROYN: Good. (He crosses to another wall panel.) FROYN: Cut in computer control. (RHYNMAL does so and the noise stops.) RHYNMAL: (Smiles.) Perfect. Absolutely perfect! FROYN: Just as I hoped. (The smile disappears off RHYNMAL'S face as he sees something on the console.) RHYNMAL: Hey! Someone's opened the door! FROYN: Hey? (He dashes to the panel and looks at the indicator.) FROYN: Quick! (They run out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. EARTH EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CORRIDOR (FROYN and RHYNMAL run down the corridor and enter the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CHAMBER (FROYN and RHYNMAL find the two puzzled but frantic security men there. There is no sign of the DOCTOR, STEVEN, SARA KINGDOM or the object with the mice inside.) FROYN: (Angrily.) Just what do you think you're doing? BORKAR: What's going on in this room? FROYN: We have been carrying out a molecular dissemination. And if you Space Security people would stop interfering we'd be able to get along a lot faster! (RHYNMAL, pleased at the result of the experiment, finishes looking over the room and runs up to his companion.) RHYNMAL: Looks as though it was perfect. BORKAR: You don't understand! FROYN: Have you touched anything in this room? BORKAR: No! But there were three people in here - where are they? [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. VORTEX (The bodies of STEVEN and SARA moving about in a space-like vortex. The satellite device containing the mice spins round as the faces of STEVEN and SARA at first show no expression and are then filled by great pain as they move faster and faster away from Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CHAMBER RHYNMAL: There can't have been. There were only my mice. I know - I set them here myself. BORKAR: You've got to get them back. FROYN: Get them back? But we can't. BORKAR: What do you mean, you can't? You must! FROYN: You don't seem to understand. Anyone or anything that was in this room at the time of the experiment...is now being transmitted through space. RHYNMAL: Yes, my friend. They're many light years from Earth by now. Moving towards a strange planet, in a strange galaxy - the nature of which we can only guess at... [SCENE_BREAK] 14: VORTEX (The journey concludes in a spiral of light...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The planet Mira is similar to Kembel with its thick jungle and wildlife. The ground is covered by a small blanket of fog and pools of some strange liquid bubble in certain areas. The landscape is lonely and filled with foliage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The DALEK SUPREME enters the room to hear the reports from one of its aides that glides up to it.) DALEK SUPREME: Has any message been received from Earth? DALEK: No. DALEK SUPREME: Contact Mavic Chen and ask for a report. He should be bringing the Taranium Core by this time. DALEK: I obey. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CONTROL ROOM (RHYNMAL and FROYN are activating controls under the eye of KARLTON who has now arrived at the experimental plant. FROYN is nervous of the new security man.) KARLTON: How long will it take till you know if your "experiment" is successful. FROYN: We don't know. Once the instruments re-form on the planet Mira, they should start transmitting immediately. KARLTON: Would it not have been wiser to choose a nearer planet than Mira? FROYN: The whole point was the distance. We already know that certain small objects can be sent by cellular fragmentation over some short distances. KARLTON: And will these people arrive safely? FROYN: We don't know. We've never tried to transpose people in this way before. KARLTON: Why didn't you stop when Space Security came in. FROYN: The experiment had already started. We couldn't stop. KARLTON: (Coldly.) You're a fool! (FROYN skulks away. KARLTON turns to BORKAR.) KARLTON: Why didn't you make them stop? BORKAR: There wasn't time. And we didn't know where these people were. (KARLTON turns back to FROYN.) KARLTON: Inform me as soon as you know that your mechanism has reached Mira. FROYN: Of course. (KARLTON storms out with BORKAR following. FROYN goes back into the centre of the room to find RHYNMAL working on the control panel.) FROYN: Is there no sign of anything yet? RHYNMAL: No, no...ah! (A bleeping sound is heard.) RHYNMAL: I think something's coming through. FROYN: Hey...yes! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The Satellite rests within the jungle of Mira. It is slightly damaged with one piece of it broken but the mice are in there alive and seemingly well, but there is no sign of anyone else.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CHAMBER (KARLTON limps into the room softly.) KARLTON: The instruments reassembled successfully, and the mice were alive. (MAVIC CHEN has arrived at the station and stands in the middle of the chamber with his hands on his drawn face. Recent events are starting to take their toll on him. He takes his hands away from his face at the news that KARLTON brings but his unhappy demeanour does not change.) MAVIC CHEN: You know that might mean nothing. You realise the Daleks might just...assemble a force and conquer us! And there'd be nothing we can do. KARLTON: We still have the power. MAVIC CHEN: Where? They are expecting me now to arrive with the Taranium. KARLTON: (Silkily.) Calm down. Mira is not far from Kembel is it? MAVIC CHEN: It's nearer Kembel then Earth is. But what help is that? KARLTON: (Softly.) Tell the Daleks that you trapped the fugitives in the Cellular Projector and sent them to Mira on purpose. MAVIC CHEN: You're mad! KARLTON: Am I? It was a safety measure. Unwelcome attention was being paid to the fugitives so you sent them to Mira on purpose. (MAVIC CHEN sees the logic in this.) MAVIC CHEN: Ah, we could attribute it to a too efficient security system. It'll show conclusively that we're completely allied to the Daleks. They would trust us the more. KARLTON: Exactly. MAVIC CHEN: Wait. How do we know that the Taranium wasn't destroyed on the way? KARLTON: We don't. MAVIC CHEN: But the... KARLTON: (Interrupts.) No buts! The only reason that you as Guardian of the Solar System were admitted to the Universal Council were because of our superior knowledge of mineralogy. Without us they cannot get Taranium. (CHEN saunters to the back of the room, his confidence restored.) MAVIC CHEN: Without me their plan cannot completely work. Without me, they are but nothing! (He shouts and throws open his arms.) MAVIC CHEN: Nothing! When I am next to the Daleks, only they stand between me and the highest position in the universe. Then will be the time for me to take complete control. (He sees that KARLTON is watching him.) MAVIC CHEN: You are a fortunate man, Karlton. You will have a high place in galactic history. (He walks out with his usual arrogance. KARLTON watches him go.) KARLTON: (Quietly.) The highest...next to you. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (On Mira, the DOCTOR opens his eyes and focuses on where he is. He checks all over his body for any bruises and suchlike before standing up. He next checks his hand as if he isn't sure what has happened to him and next checks in his pocket for the Taranium Core. Luckily it is still in there and he brings it out to have a look at it. He thinks on what has just happened.) DOCTOR: The mice couldn't have done that! (He moves on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. MIRA. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (Nearby, SARA KINGDOM lies unconscious on the ground. There is a low growling noise and some strands of her hair rise into the air by themselves. They lower and her right arm rises in the same way. Near to her is STEVEN. He comes round, stands up, and after seeing SARA, he crosses over to her and takes the blaster from her. He attempts to wake her up but fails.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The DOCTOR has found the device, still bleeping away, and is examining it.) DOCTOR: Extraordinary, most extraordinary. (He goes behind some jungle and hears some noises. He tries calling out.) DOCTOR: Steven? Steven, my boy, where are you? [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (Nearby, one of the inhabitants of Mira walks through the jungle. However, the being is invisible and the only clue to its presence are footprints which resemble paw-prints more than anything else and which appear on the ground, one by one...) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. MIRA. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (STEVEN is holding the blaster while looking at SARA'S body.) STEVEN: (Calls.) Doctor! (The DOCTOR appears from the jungle.) STEVEN: (Relieved.) Doctor! DOCTOR: All right, all right, all right. STEVEN: What's going on? Where are we? What on Earth's happened? DOCTOR: Calm down, calm down! I don't know where we are. We're safe and sound - that's the main thing. (He sees SARA on the ground.) DOCTOR: Oh, I suppose she had to come along, eh? STEVEN: Yes, but what's happened? All I know is, when she was about to shoot us, there...there was this fantastic noise! DOCTOR: Yes, I'm very glad that you took that gun away from her. (SARA groans.) DOCTOR: Is she all right? STEVEN: She hasn't come round yet. (SARA is opening her eyes as the two men crouch down over her.) DOCTOR: Pull yourself together, Madam. I want to ask you some few questions. SARA KINGDOM: (Groggily.) What? DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Take a good look round, dear boy. And find a place to hide. STEVEN: Right. DOCTOR: We've a lot to sort out. (SARA sits up and sees who is with her while STEVEN moves away.) SARA KINGDOM: (Spits.) You! The traitors! I must... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Quiet! Do as you're told! Get on your feet. (He helps SARA to her feet.) DOCTOR: You're lucky to be alive. Now you come with me, and don't try any tricks. Come along. (He takes SARA'S arm under his and leads her away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The DALEK SUPREME glides up to one of its subordinates at a console. Two other DALEKS hover nearby at their consoles.) DALEK: The pursuit ship reports that they have landed on the planet Mira. DALEK SUPREME: Have they located the fugitives? DALEK: The detectors register strong readings. DALEK SUPREME: When the fugitives are captured, report at once. DALEK: I obey. (The DALEK SUPREME glides away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (SARA KINGDOM has now recovered and is annoyed at being disarmed. STEVEN holds his gun up to her as they stand outside a small cave. The DOCTOR stands in the entrance to the cave.) STEVEN: Feeling better? SARA KINGDOM: (Snaps.) I'll feel a lot better when we get out of this place. DOCTOR: Getting away from this place sets quite a problem. SARA KINGDOM: Where are we? DOCTOR: At the moment, I haven't the faintest idea. (He walks into the cave. Annoyed, SARA runs after him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. MIRA. CAVE SARA KINGDOM: Oh! But how did we get here? DOCTOR: (Thinking.) Cellular...dissemination. SARA KINGDOM: Cellular what? DOCTOR: To put it...in lay language, cellular...dissemination means our bodies were broken up by some process or other, shot through into the fourth dimension and at a given point reassembled again on this planet. STEVEN: That's fantastic. SARA KINGDOM: (Sneering.) Impossible. DOCTOR: Fantastic it may be, my boy, but impossible - no, because precisely that is what has happened. STEVEN: Yes, but Doctor what about that, er, transmitter thing? You know the one with the mice in it. DOCTOR: Yes, that followed along too and I believe it's sending messages back to Earth. Now that would mean that Mavic Chen will know precisely where we are. Therefore, the Daleks will attack once again. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. MIRA. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (Two of the DALEKS from the pursuit ship have found the device. One of the DALEKS has a perceptor device in place of its usual arm attachment and is scanning the jungle.) FIRST DALEK: Detector indicates being at close range. (The SECOND DALEK looks over the device.) SECOND DALEK: An alien device. There are small white creatures inside. They may be hostile. FIRST DALEK: It is sending out signals. SECOND DALEK: It may belong to the fugitives and register our presence here. FIRST DALEK: Destroy it. (They move away and then blast it. The mice die and the machine stops bleeping.) FIRST DALEK: Detector still registers being is very close. (They turn and have a look around.) SECOND DALEK: I can see nothing. FIRST DALEK: There is a being near us. Fire at any movement. (The leaves near the DALEKS start to move, and obeying orders, the DALEKS' fire. There is a roar and the leaves stop moving.) SECOND DALEK: The beings appear to be invisible. We must continue the search for the fugitives. Keep constant detector readings. Open fire when it registers close proximity. FIRST DALEK: I obey. (They move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CONTROL ROOM (With the destruction of the device, FROYN is not getting any more signals from Mira and is being watched by an impatient KARLTON.) FROYN: I can't understand it. We were getting such powerful signals, now we're getting absolutely nothing. KARLTON: A technical fault? FROYN: Well it couldn't be, just like that. RHYNMAL: Those criminals must have damaged it. FROYN: Why didn't they do it when they first arrived? KARLTON: Perhaps they have only just found it. You are certain that there are no natural beings on Mira? FROYN: Not to our knowledge. Our probes have never shown any. RHYNMAL: That's why we sent the mice. I was hoping that they might perhaps... (Sadly.) Oh dear, perhaps we should send some more mice? KARLTON: No. Send nothing further to Mira. Inform me as soon as you regain any form of contact. In the meantime send no further matter to that planet. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The DOCTOR, alone, moves through the jungle when he hears a noise. He moves slowly forward, when suddenly the leaves near him start to move. The DOCTOR attacks whatever is there with a stick he has found. With a roar the creature backs off.) DOCTOR: I might have known it - Visians! The planet Mira! [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. MIRA. CAVE (STEVEN and SARA are arguing...) STEVEN: But he was the one person who could have warned Earth! SARA KINGDOM: So you say. STEVEN: You killed Bret! You just shot him down! SARA KINGDOM: He was a traitor. (She speaks as if quoting from a procedure.) SARA KINGDOM: Between the three of you, you had stolen the Taranium, the most valuable mineral in the universe. It was needed desperately to spread the peace which was advanced in the solar system, to reach the whole galaxy. STEVEN: What was the Taranium going to do? SARA KINGDOM: How should I know? I had my orders. STEVEN: (Disgusted.) Oh, your orders! And even though it meant killing one of your own people, you obeyed them blindly, without question! SARA KINGDOM: One does not question the orders of the Guardian. STEVEN: Oh, you didn't even stop to think how it came to happen. That a space security agent, one of your own people, was a traitor? SARA KINGDOM: No! STEVEN: You didn't give Bret a chance, did you? You couldn't question Chen and you wouldn't question Bret. SARA KINGDOM: Look, what do you want me to say? That I believe your fantastic story? STEVEN: It's true. SARA KINGDOM: (Tearfully.) It mustn't be. (The DOCTOR appears behind them.) DOCTOR: I'm afraid it is, my dear. STEVEN: (Sarcastically.) But Bret had to be killed. SARA KINGDOM: (Snaps.) Shut up! Bret Vyon was my brother. (Upset, she runs out of the cave. STEVEN starts to follow her but the DOCTOR stops him.) DOCTOR: Leave her, my boy. There's nothing we can do. She finally believes us. (With a cry, SARA runs back.) SARA KINGDOM: Something...touched me! (STEVEN takes the blaster and starts to move forward.) STEVEN: It's all right. DOCTOR: Steven! (STEVEN comes back.) DOCTOR: Listen to me, both of you. This is the planet Mira. And the only beings on here are the Visians. We can't see them but they're very vicious. We must try to get away from here as soon as possible. SARA KINGDOM: But how? DOCTOR: I don't know yet. (STEVEN goes outside the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (He stands just outside the entrance. The others join him and they see a large bunch of leaves moving and smoke rising from the ground.) STEVEN: Is that them? DOCTOR: Yes, and it appears we're trapped! [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. EARTH. GUARDIANS' OFFICE (KARLTON is back with MAVIC CHEN at his office. The Guardian has been writing a document and holds an ornate pen in his hand.) KARLTON: I am certain that the Daleks have already reached Mira. MAVIC CHEN: That means I must return to Kembel at once. KARLTON: Of course. Everything is arranged. MAVIC CHEN: Good. (He drops the pen that he was using.) MAVIC CHEN: It looks as though the Daleks have believed my story. I must be there before the Taranium's bought back. KARLTON: If it is? MAVIC CHEN: Wait till you hear from me, then take your party to Venus. Whatever happens we shall outwit the Daleks! We should be able to destroy Kembel, with help from the rest of the solar system. KARLTON: But that will only mean mastery of this galaxy. (MAVIC CHEN raises his eyes heavenwards.) MAVIC CHEN: But a start, Karlton, a start. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. MIRA. CAVE (The travellers have retreated inside the cave. STEVEN still holds the blaster. The DOCTOR has his stick and SARA holds a large rock.) DOCTOR: I don't think they've quite fathomed us out. STEVEN: Well, when we beat our way through, we've got to stick together. DOCTOR: And you remember my boy, aim high. These Visians are eight feet tall. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: EXT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The Visians start to move forward but blasts from a DALEK kills them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. MIRA. CAVE STEVEN: Daleks! SARA KINGDOM: You're right Doctor, they've come. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. MIRA. JUNGLE (The DALEK glides forward and covers the travellers who are now outside the cave.) DALEK: You are surrounded. You will come with us. DOCTOR: I'm afraid, my friends, the Daleks have won.	Plan: A: the year 4000; Q: When do the Daleks plan to conquer the Solar System? A: treachery; Q: What is at the highest levels of the Daleks' scheme? A: a weapon; Q: What is the Daleks' plan to destroy the fabric of time? A: catastrophe; Q: What can only the Doctor and his friends prevent? A: no guarantee; Q: Is there a guarantee that the Doctor and his friends will escape with their lives? Summary: In the year 4000, the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System. Their scheme involves treachery at the highest levels and a weapon capable of destroying the very fabric of time. Only the Doctor and his friends can prevent catastrophe - and there is no guarantee they will escape with their lives...
Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Vanessa McCarthy [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel's door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.] Ross: Happy birthday!!! Monica: Happy birthday!!! (Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.) All: Rach! Come on! Rach! Monica: It's your birthday! Tag: (entering from her room) Hey. Chandler: (To Monica) She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29. Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don't use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.) Joey: They do! Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast! Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes! (There is no response from Rachel.) Ross: We've got presents! (She opens the door.) Rachel: Good ones? Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago. Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29? Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal. Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty? [Flashback to Joey's thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler's apartment.] Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe's lap for comfort.) [Cut back to Rachel's party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.] Rachel: Y'know, I'm still 29 in Guam. Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is? Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this? Chandler: No Rach, it's not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn't that much fun. [Flashback to Chandler's thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.] Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We're all gettin' so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.) Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel's still down.] Monica: Rach, you're in a great place in your life. Come on, you've got a great job! Good friends... Joey: Yeah, your roommate is a soap opera star. Rachel: Look, y'know I know my life's going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who've accomplished so many other goals by the time they're thirty. Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me. [Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.] All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on! Rachel: There you go! (She crosses the line and they all cheer again.) Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That's it!! That's everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty! Tag: Come on, let's have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today? Rachel: Nothing. I don't want to do anything. Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross. Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child! [Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, 'better' is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don't the British make computers? Because they couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.] Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?! Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there? Ross: That's not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars. Joey: Hey, what's the horsepower on this thing? Ross: (giddy) I don't know, but-but look how shiny! Monica: I can't believe you bought this. Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it's really shallow, but a part of me wants him again. Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud? Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life. (He starts the car and surprisingly it fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work, especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He's completely boxed in and can't move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.) Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.) Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who's next? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.] Rachel: Y'know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something. Phoebe: Really?! 'Cause y'know that hurts. Rachel: So what?! Y'know what? The way I see it-(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)-Ow! Son of a bitch!! Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you're going through. I'm totally freaked about turning 25. Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment. Monica: All right Rach, for what it's worth, I think that you're doing great. I mean y'know let's face it, no one handles this well. Phoebe: Least of all you. Tag: Why? What you'd do? Monica: Weren't you asked to leave sonny? [Flashback to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.] Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica's gonna be here any minute! Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple. Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man. (Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.) Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You've done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely. Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can't believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can't believe that you would have a tux that's thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller's shoulder.) Mr. Geller: It's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo. Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.) Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She's coming! Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.) Mr. Geller: Crap. (We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.) Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what's going on. (He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel's door.) Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.) Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk? Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey's doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later! Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents! Monica: Noo!!! Chandler: Yes! Monica: Noo!! Chandler: Yes!! Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of. Chandler: Okay, here's the thing. We're gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you're drunk. Monica: Really?! You promise? Chandler: Yeah, I'll take care of it. Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.) Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath. Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.) Chandler: That's still yours. Okay, now remember it's a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised. Monica: Okay. I can do that. Chandler: Okay. (Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.) All: Surprise!!! (Monica screams and they all stare at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Ross's birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.] Ross: Okay, forward. Forward-Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back-Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward-Stop! Stop! Stop! Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy's got you totally wedged in. (A beautiful woman approaches.) Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours? Joey: Well actually... Ross: No-no-no! It's mine! It's-it's mine. (The woman walks away.) Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car. Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Okay, I'm gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.) (The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who's tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.) [Scene: Phoebe's birthday, she's taking the hippity-hop to Ursula's apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.] Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It's for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth! Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that? Phoebe: Because it's our thirtieth birthday. Ursula: Yeah, no we're not thirty. We're 31. Okay. (She closes the door.) Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.) Ursula: Oh, it's you. Phoebe: Yeah. What?! Ursula: Yeah, we're not thirty, we're 31. Phoebe: Nu-uh! Ursula: Yea-huh! That's what is says on my birth certificate. Phoebe: You have your birth certificate? Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died. Phoebe: Our mom. Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.) Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate? Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway. Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31. Ursula: Yeah. Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life. Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay. Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela? Ursula: Yes. Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is? Ursula: Yes! Phoebe. Phoebe: That's my first name. Ursula: Right, okay, then no. [Scene: Monica's birthday, it's just after the surprise.] Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress. Monica: Yay! Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who's sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who's standing next to him.) Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.) Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don't get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow. (They continue their trek.) Monica: (sees someone) Paul! Chandler: (correcting her) Phil. Monica: Phil! Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you're doing great. You're doing great. You're doing fine. (Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.) Phoebe: Hey, what's going on? Chandler: Monica's a little drunk. Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica! Monica: Awwwww... (Giggles.) Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn't want her parents to know she's drunk. Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here's what we'll do, I'll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one will even notice her. (Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.) Rachel: What's-what's going on? Phil's really pissed! Chandler: Monica's wasted. Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party. Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please! Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey. Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica's room, but Chandler stops him.) [Scene: Rachel's birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.] Tag: (handing his to her) This one's from me. Rachel: Ahh! Tag: It wasn't on your list, but hopefully you'll think it's really fun. Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She's not happy.) Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list. Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.) Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next! Rachel: Okay. Joey: Now that you're a couple, we don't get two presents from you guys? Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card! Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It's better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That's funny, yeah! Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke! Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It's funny! Chandler: No, because you're not a grandmother! Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny. (Runs into her room crying.) Monica: All you had to do was buy the card! [Scene: Rachel's birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.] Ross: Hey! Look who's back! It's the birthday girl! How's the birthday girl feeling? Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you're bumming out the rest of the kids. Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.) Rachel: Okay! Y'know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids... Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother. Rachel: As I was saying... I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I'm 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan! Phoebe: If you could do that, I'd marry the hippity-hop. Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant... Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it's happening! Rachel: No, so I don't have to get married until I'm 33! That's three years, that's three whole years-Oh, wait a minute though. I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I'd like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged... Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm thirty. Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned-(Removes two candles from the cake)-twenty-eight! Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry! (We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.) Joey: Will you quit hoggin' it! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica's birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.] Rachel: (To Chandler) I'm telling you it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk. Ross: (To Monica) You're drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I'm a little drunk. (Monica sits down on the barcalounger.) Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that's great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go. Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready? Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling? Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.) Ross: I really wish that you wouldn't. Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don't talk to anyone. Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let's hear from the birthday girl! Huh? Chandler: Pheebs!! Phoebe: Don't you see? Everyone's looking at me! The plan's working! I didn't even have to take off my top yet! Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica! Ross: Come on! All: Come on! Speech! (Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.) Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her for one second! Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it's nice. Chandler: I think it's necessary. (Backs away anyhow.) Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends... Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!! Monica: I really like to say that I'm-um... (Pause) Y'know what I'd really like to say? I'm drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That's right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad's hands.) And guess what! I've been drunk before! And I've smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It's all okay. It's okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.) Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.) Joey: Yeah!! (Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.) [Scene: Phoebe's birthday, she's telling everyone what she found out at Ursula's while sitting in Central Perk.] Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can't believe it! This is so unfair! Joey: Oh, I don't know Pheebs. It'll be okay. Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31? Joey: That's not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal! Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I...I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31! Joey: Like what? Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven't met any Portuguese people! I, I haven't had the perfect kiss! And I haven't been to sniper's school! Monica: Phoebe, y'know why don't we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake? Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I'll see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.) Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs. Joey: Hey, y'know what you guys? I think I'm gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.) Monica: Oh man! Chandler: What? Monica: He's gonna eat the cake! [Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.] Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that's one thing you can cross off your list. Phoebe: Oh yeah. (Joey starts to walk away, but stops.) Joey: Oh, and plus I'm 1/16th Portuguese. Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.) [Scene: Ross's birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.] Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We're gonna pick it up...and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We're gonna lift the car...and slide it out. Lift and slide! Rachel: Ross, I really don't think... Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide! Chandler: Okay, here we go. Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They try to lift the car, of course it doesn't raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.) [Scene: Rachel's birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.] Rachel: Hey Joey, can I... Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started! Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag. Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside? Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I'm not your mother. Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.) Rachel: Not in the street!! Joey: Yes! Rachel: (to Tag) Hi. Tag: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better? Rachel: Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm um...let's talk. Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.) Rachel: Umm... Tag: What's up? Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm...you're such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don't-I don't... Tag: Wait! I think I see where you're going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.) Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I'm past the point where I think I can y'know, just have fun. Tag: Rachel, don't do this. This is just because you're turning thirty. Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you're just a kid! I mean you're 25! Tag: Twenty-four actually. Rachel: Oh God! Y'know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I'm wishin' for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger. Tag: Me too. Rachel: Yeah, I'm sorry. (They hug.) [Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.] Chandler: Hey! How'd it go? Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year? Phoebe: You did the right thing. Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don't like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.) Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds. Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we're gonna be 40? Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross's shoulder.) [Scene: Ross's birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.] Ross: Yes! My baby's finally free! Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let's go! Ross: (starting it) Woohoo! (Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.) The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.) Ross: You wanna buy a car? Joey: No. (Ross shuts it off and they get out.) Ending Credits {Transcriber's Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.}	Plan: A: the gang; Q: Who reminisces about their 30th birthdays? A: their 30th birthdays; Q: What do the gang reminisce about when Rachel turns 30? A: things; Q: What does Phoebe try to patch up with Ursula? A: Ursula, Phoebe; Q: Who discovers that Ursula is 31? A: Ross; Q: Who buys a sports car to look cool? A: Monica; Q: Who gets drunk in front of her parents? Summary: When Rachel turns 30, the gang reminisces about their 30th birthdays. While trying to patch things up with Ursula, Phoebe discovers that she is 31. Ross buys a sports car to look cool. Monica gets drunk in front of her parents.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon enters in a hard hat and high-vis jacket. Sounds a klaxon on his phone. Leonard: Aaargh. What the hell? Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill. Leonard: Oh, no, come on! Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead. Leonard: I have to get a lock for my door. Sheldon: I think you'll like the drill tonight. I've tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe. Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California. Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them? Leonard: Fine. Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest. Leonard: Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People. Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don't get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing? Leonard: I don't know, what am I doing? Sheldon: Look around you, there's hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You're going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock! Leonard: Aah! Sheldon: And that's why we wear hard hats. Credits sequence. Scene: The cafeteria. Howard: Check it out, press release from NASA. Raj: Um, Expedition 31 will launch this spring to the International Space Station. Crew members will include Commander Tom 'Tombo' Johnson, astronaut Mike 'Supernova' Novacelik and Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz. Howard: This is going right into my synagogue's newsletter. Raj: Dude, if you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname. Howard: I don't get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me. Raj: Oh. If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite. Howard: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname. Raj: Are you not looking at me? I am Brown Dynamite. Why do you put six sugars in your coffee? Leonard: Because the cafeteria doesn't offer little packets of methamphetamine. Howard: Emergency drill night last night, huh? Leonard: Uh-huh. Raj: How'd you do? Sheldon: I'll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day. Leonard: You know what, I'm so tired I can't even think straight. I'm going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later? Sheldon: You can't go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o'clock. Leonard: Oh, can't you take the bus to the dentist? Sheldon: Of course I can. It's coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that's the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico. Raj: They put you under for a cleaning? Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I'm a biter. Leonard: Whatever, Sheldon. I'm exhausted. I'm not taking you to the dentist. Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It's right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products." Leonard: You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It's ridiculous. I'm your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches. Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody. Leonard: I don't care. I'm done. Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? Leonard: I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes. Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) 'Sup? Leonard: Where do I sign? Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger. Leonard: There. Done. Sheldon: All right. That's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me. Leonard: I'm gonna go home and take a nap. Sheldon: Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares. Scene: The apartment. Howard: I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills. Penny: What does that mean? Bernadette: He's gonna learn to poop in space. Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL. Raj: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite. Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter. Leonard: 'Sup? Sheldon: 'Sup? My apologies. I would've been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it. Amy: I saved you a dumpling. Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow. Amy: I'm sorry, Sheldon, I'm busy. I'm right in the middle of my addiction study. I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow's the day we switch them to O'Doul's. Sheldon: You're my girlfriend and you're not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where'd the magic go? Penny: Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know? Bernadette: Howard doesn't make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right? Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma's hips give out, you're up, kid. Sheldon: Well, if Amy's too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You're Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here's a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA? Raj: Their meatballs are pretty good. Sheldon: What's that? Raj: Nothing, nothing. Scene: The comic book store. Sheldon: Hello, Stuart. Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today? Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person. Stuart: Ninth? Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you? Stuart: Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note. Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what's new with your family? How's your mother? Is she alive? Stuart: Yeah. Sheldon: And your father? Alive? Stuart: Yes. Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive? Stuart: No. Sheldon: Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy? Stuart: I'm sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist? Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can't make any promises, but that's the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot. Stuart: Sheldon, I'm working. I can't take you to the dentist. Also, and I can't stress this enough, I don't want to take you to the dentist. Sheldon: Can't help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Ooh, ooh! What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz? Howard: You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken. Raj: Buzz Lightyear is not real. Howard: No, that's not what I'm talking about. Raj: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real? Howard: No. Raj: Okay, um, how about Crash"? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz. Howard: Yeah, terrific. The other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a guy named Crash. Raj: All right, um, how about, oh, how about Rocket Man? Leonard: That's not bad, Howard "Rocket Man" Wolowitz. Howard: Yeah, it's great, but I told you, I don't get to pick my nickname. It has to come from the other astronauts. Raj: Maybe there's a way to get them to come up with it. Howard: Like how? Leonard: Once I tried carrying around a Duncan yo-yo, hoping the other kids would start calling me Duncan. Howard: Did it work? Leonard: No, they ended up calling me Sock Mouth. Because they took away my yo-yo and stuffed their socks in my mouth. Raj: Okay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I'll call you and they'll hear it. Plant the seed. Howard: That's actually not a terrible plan. Raj: They don't call me Brown Dynamite for nothing. Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): 'Sup? Sheldon: 'Sup? Leonard: Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist? Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that'll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind. Leonard: All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist. Sheldon: Are you suggesting that you've come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement? Leonard: Absolutely. If you admit that you're a 30-year-old man who's incapable of functioning on his own. Raj: Ooh, Sock Mouth's got him on the ropes. Sheldon: I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Leonard is watching television. All the power goes off. Penny (entering): Oh, good, your power's out, too. Leonard: Why is that good? Penny: Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra. Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol. Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor? Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it's too bad you're no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It's not for you. Leonard: It's just a blackout, I'm sure the power will be back on soon. Sheldon: And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first. Penny: You know, I got some candles in my apartment. Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick. Leonard (pulling out a toy lightsabre): You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let's go. Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you're willing to reinstate the roommate agreement. Penny: I've got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop. Sheldon: Oh, he'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he's gonna be bored out of his mind. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: To wine and bubble wrap. And to not having to watch Sheldon demonstrate his reverse osmosis machine that converts urine into drinking water. Penny: You know, in Girl Scouts, Tammie Dinisha said you could do that with panty hose. Boy, was she wrong. Anyway, you want to make out? Leonard: I thought because our relationship's in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow. Penny: Okay. Do you want to make out slow? Leonard: I can go so slow it'll be like there's a snail in your mouth. Penny: Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there's nothing else to do right now. Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard. Leonard: Since when don't you knock? It's like the only good thing about you. Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We're in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day. Leonard: Fine, what is it? Sheldon: I'm making s'mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire. Leonard: S'mores, huh? Good for you. Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement. Leonard: No, thanks. I'm good. Sheldon: Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s'more by myself. And then I'm gonna have s'more. By myself. Penny: Aw. Leonard: No, don't aw him. He brought this all on himself. Penny: But he's sad. Leonard: No, he's crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it'll suck you back in. Penny: I think he misses his little buddy. Leonard: Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: I thought you said candles were dangerous. Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I'm a scientist, I know what I'm doing. Oh, drat. (His s'more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water. Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don't see why we can't be friends. And I'm willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don't want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement. Sheldon: What are you proposing? Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation. Sheldon: And how would I do that? Leonard: You say thank you. Sheldon: Every time? Leonard: It's not crazy. Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother's Day or Father's Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard's Day. Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that. Sheldon: Of course you do. It's about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I had it in me to make another glass of water. Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard's Day? Sheldon: No. Leonard: Can I sit in your spot? Sheldon: No. Leonard: Can I control the thermostat? Sheldon: No. Leonard: Do I get a card? Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It's Leonard's Day. Penny: Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch. Leonard: Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon? Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard's Day. Penny: Leonard's Day? Sheldon: Oh, no pressure. Just get him a crummy card, you're good. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Howard: All right, test my ring tone. That really is a good song. Raj: Oh, yeah. There's a reason he's Sir Elton John. They don't make you a knight for writing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, are you coming down for breakfast? Howard: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA. I said don't bother me! Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh! Listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut. Howard: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut. Hey, good morning. NASA Guy (on skype): Hey, Howard, thanks for getting up so early. Howard: No problem, Dr. Massimino. Dr Massimino: The guys here call me Mass. Howard: Mass. That's a cool nickname. 'Cause force equals mass times acceleration. Mass: Yeah. It's just short for Massimino. Anyway, the plan for this morning is to go over the... Howard: Sorry. My phone. Mass: What is that? Is that Rocket Man? Howard: Yeah, my ring tone. Kind of my favourite song, Rocket Man. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, your Fruit Loops are getting soggy! Howard: Not now! Mass: Who's that? Howard: My mom. Sorry. Howard: No problem, Fruit Loops.	Plan: A: Sheldon; Q: Who is responsible for cutting the power to the entire apartment? A: Leonard; Q: Who tells Sheldon that he would accept him as a friend again if he appreciated what he does for him once in a while? A: a quarterly disaster preparedness drill; Q: What keeps Leonard awake all night? A: The next day; Q: When does Leonard refuse to take Sheldon to the dentist? A: a tired Leonard; Q: Who refuses to take Sheldon to the dentist? A: Section 209; Q: What section of the Roommate Agreement does Leonard invoke to reduce his friendship with Sheldon to an acquaintance? A: none; Q: How many of Sheldon's friends are willing to help him? A: an extensive emergency kit; Q: What does Sheldon show Leonard to try to win back his friendship? A: Penny; Q: Who advises Leonard to reconcile with Sheldon? A: Penny's apartment; Q: Where does Leonard go when the power goes out? A: wine; Q: What does Leonard want to drink at Penny's apartment? A: urine; Q: What is the water that Sheldon offers Leonard distilled from? A: Leonard's Day; Q: What does Sheldon propose to celebrate once a year? A: Leonard's achievements; Q: What does Leonard's Day celebrate? A: reconciles; Q: What does Leonard do with Sheldon after Penny's advice? A: Howard; Q: What character is anxious about what nickname the other astronauts will give him? A: Elton John; Q: What artist's song is "Rocket Man"? A: his ringtone; Q: What did Raj change to get Howard to change his nickname? A: Mike Massimino; Q: Who is Howard on a conference call with? A: Howard's mother; Q: Who yells at Howard that his Froot Loops are getting soggy? A: Froot Loops; Q: What is Howard's new nickname? Summary: Sheldon keeps Leonard awake all night with a quarterly disaster preparedness drill. The next day, a tired Leonard refuses to take Sheldon to the dentist as he wants to sleep. Leonard then invokes Section 209 in the Roommate Agreement, which reduces his friendship with Sheldon to an acquaintance, freeing him from his obligations to Sheldon. It soon turns out that Sheldon is stranded without Leonard, as none of his other friends are willing to help him. One night, when the power goes off, Sheldon tries to win back Leonard by showing him an extensive emergency kit, but the latter prefers to go over to Penny's apartment for wine. Sheldon comes over and offers Leonard s'mores and water (distilled from urine) if he accepts him as a friend again. Leonard refuses, but Penny feels sorry for Sheldon and advises Leonard to reconcile with him. Leonard then tells Sheldon that he would accept him as a friend again if he appreciates what he does for him once in a while. Sheldon provides a counter-proposal, offering to celebrate "Leonard's Day" once a year, where Leonard's achievements would be acknowledged. Leonard agrees and reconciles with Sheldon, who then indirectly reveals that he is responsible for cutting the power to the entire apartment so that he could win back Leonard's friendship. Meanwhile, Howard is anxious as to what nickname the other astronauts in his space mission are going to give him. Raj attempts to get them to choose the nickname "Rocket Man" (an Elton John song) by having Howard change his ringtone to that song and then calling him during a conference call with Mike Massimino. This backfires as during the call, Howard's mother yells that his Froot Loops are getting soggy, and he ends up with "Froot Loops" as his new moniker.
"The Bone that Foam" [SCENE_BREAK] (Crime scene - Two people are hanging on the side of a hot air balloon while the Pastor pronounces the wedding ceremony) WEDDING GUESTS: We love you guys! PASTOR RICK: Dale and Ellie met at base camp on Mt. Everest two years ago, so you know that they are comfortable with life's ups and downs. (Laughs) But know that your love will allow you to absorb these with new strength as you are joined for life in holy matrimony. Do you, Dale McGilliard, take Ellie Spiller to be your wife in sickness and in health, through good times and bad, till death do you part? DALE: I do. PASTOR RICK: And do you, Ellie, take Dale as your husband in... ELLIE: I do, I do, I do. PASTOR RICK: Then by the powers vested in me by the State of Maryland, I pronounce you man and wife. Kiss and take the plunge into married bliss. (Dale and Ellie jump of the balloon with a bungee rope and the see the human remains at the bottom of the gorge) (Cut to - Later, Booth and Brennan arrive at the scene where a cop waits on them) BOOTH: Well, my guess is that this is going to put a crimp in their wedding night. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Oh, come on, I mean coming face-to-face with death like that, kind of kills the desire don't you think? BRENNAN: I work with remains every day but if I'm sexuall attracted to someone I'm perfectly capable of engaging in spirited... BOOTH: Okay. Okay. Okay, Bones, I get it. I'm just saying, you know what? You have to be kind of crazy to bungee jump. Watch yourself. BRENNAN: I got it. It's perfectly safe. BOOTH: Tell that to Captain Splat over here, huh? COP: First bungee accident. I ever saw. BOOTH: Probably because you're ten. BRENNAN: This was no bungee accident. The victim is fairly well-dressed- tie, sport coat. BOOTH: Definitely not bungee attire. BRENNAN: And this compound tibial fracture- if he was still alive when he fell, the bone should have bled. COP: Meaning...? BRENNAN: Meaning someone threw him off the cliff after he was already dead. BOOTH: Yeah, suspicious circumstances, foul play, dirty deeds- I think you get the point. Okay, let's get it back to Jeffersonian, Bones. Right? (They start to high five then stop midway) BRENNAN: Oh. Gloves. BOOTH: Right. Wrap that up, kid. (Cut to - Jeffersonian lab - Autopsy room) CAM: It took ten minutes to hike down to the foot of the cliff to find the body. Local fauna include a wide variety of birds, rodents and crabs- all of which have had a go at the remains. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Fascinating that one would risk intraocular hemorrhaging, peroneal nerve damage, not to mention quadriplegia, just to experience a simple beta-endorphin rush. CAM: What fascinates me is that we've ruled out death by bungee and yet you remain fascinated. ANGELA: (Angela arrives in the autopsy room)Okay, I'm ready to start the facial reconstruction. (She sees the remains) Gross. Wow, this isreally gross. I'm going to come back. BRENNAN: Dental X-rays indicate the victim was undergoing dental restoration for abfraction lesions on his molars. CAM: Heavy grinder. High stress job? ANGELA: All right, well, I'll send pictures to Booth, see if he can check with local dentists. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Dr. Brennan, there is staining on this Le Fort 1 fracture. BRENNAN: Hemorrhaging into the maxillary sinuses. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Classic punch in the nose at or around the time of death. HODGINS: Which would be between two to five days ago. CAM: This body's been dead more than five days, the tissue shows a much higher rate of decomp. HODGINS: Yeah, I got late second instar Phormia regina and Chrysomya rufifacies. Which, I admit, seems weird, but my little squads of death don't lie. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: (Vincent sees that there's a lump in the skin that is moving) Forgive me, Doctors, but... is his skin moving? CAM: Ohh, God, that's strange. BRENNAN: Insect activity? HODGINS: Never seen insects like that. Except in Alien. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I'm secreting adrenaline. CAM: I guess we should see what's inside. (Cam takes a scalpel and cuts the skin where it was moving, green foam comes out of it) HODGINS: Ohh, what the hell is that? CAM: I have no idea. Everyone, away from the body! (Cam pushes a button that sends the lab in lockdown) We're in lockdown. TITLES ACT 1 (Cut to - later, the remains are in a protective tube - the lab is still in lockdown) BRENNAN: Do you have any idea what the foam is? CAM: No idea at all. But we could be dealing with a poison, a virus, or a biotoxin. So no one touches or... sniffs it or anything else until we've run tests. BRENNAN: This is a first for me. Perhaps if Mr. Nigel-Murray and I could examine the bones... (Cam stops working and looks blankly at Brennan) I'm annoying you. CAM: Patience, Dr. Brennan. (The alarm stops) Curiosity killed the cat. HODGINS: I'm running the bugs through the Mass Spec. I'm not getting any toxins, but they might not have fed on the remains yet. In other words, I need more samples. BRENNAN: We all need more samples. CAM: I know. I would just like us all to stay alive during the process. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: In 400 BC, Hypocrites declared that disease was not caused by demons. HODGINS: Great, so we can rule out demons. ANGELA: Alex Newcomb, 33. The FBI got an ID off his dentals. The dentist has the brother listed as the emergency contact. CAM: Perhaps you should help Agent Booth question the victim's brother. I'll call when you can have access to the remains. BRENNAN: Okay. (She leaves) (Cut to - Jungle Jim car dealer) BOOTH: (Booth and Brennan arrive on the scene) I thought the guy was dead. BRENNAN: He is dead, but his skin was moving. BOOTH: Wait a second. Moving skin on a dead guy? BRENNAN: Yes. Then he started foaming. BOOTH: Wait a second. Foaming? Okay, what would cause that? (They get out of the car and go in the building) Too much beer? Or maybe he ate soap? BRENNAN: You should stop using cartoons as a scientific reference point. BOOTH: Okay, you know the guy who owns this place, he has a monkey. BRENNAN: Does he feel that a monkey will inspire me to buy a car? BOOTH: Bones, it's marketing, okay. Look, hey, "We don't sell cars..." MAUREEN PEROT: "We sell adventure!" So, what can the Mighty Mo put you in today? Mmm, you look like a sporty two-door man. BRENNAN: Actually, he has a very nice car. MAUREEN PEROT: Ooh, I'll say. That Sequoia's a honey. BOOTH: Yeah, tell me about it. MAUREEN PEROT: Roomy enough, you could have a Super Bowl party back there. What is that, GPS, side air bags. BRENNAN: We're looking for... MAUREEN PEROT: Such great gas mileage for, you know, a can-do machine. Are you looking to trade in? BRENNAN: No, we're looking for... MAUREEN PEROT: Because I can offer you a sweet deal from the heart of the jungle. (She roars Booth) BRENNAN: We're here to see Chet Newcomb. MAUREEN PEROT: Okay. Between us, as much as we all love Chet, as Bwana of the Month, I'm really in a better position to offer you a deal.So... BOOTH: Right. And that'd be just great, Mighty Mo, if we were here to buy a car, but we're not. You know, FBI. MAUREEN PEROT: Well, he's back there. (Boots roars her) BOOTH: Thank you. What? She roared me first. BRENNAN: Doesn't mean you have to roar her back. (Booth and Brennan go in Chet Newcomb's office) JUNGLE JIM: The doctor said you have to take all of these on a full stomach. CHET NEWCOMB: Desmo... Desmopress... BRENNAN: Desmopressin? Do you have kidney problems? CHET NEWCOMB: No, it's just a, uh, slight infection. Hi. Chet Newcomb. What can I do for you today? BOOTH: Uh, with the FBI. I'd like to ask you a few questions, you know... in private. CHET NEWCOMB: Oh. Uh, well, this is my wife, Vanessa. BOOTH: How do you do, ma'am? Pleasure to meet you. BOOTH: We just, uh, have to have a few words. VANESSA NEWCOMB: Oh, well, I was just going. I have a fitting anyway- a client waiting on a bridesmaid's dress. BRENNAN: Actually, you might want to stay. Booth has some bad news about your husband's brother. He may need consoling. BOOTH: Bones... BRENNAN: Wasn't that sensitive? CHET NEWCOMB: What happened to my brother? BOOTH: He was found at the base of a cliff at Whitney Cove. VANESSA NEWCOMB: Oh, my God. I told him he that was crazy to try that bungee thing. CHET NEWCOMB: There was an accident? BRENNAN: No. He was... What's a sensitive way of saying murdered? CHET NEWCOMB: Murdered?! BOOTH: Sorry. When you're ready, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your brother. CHET NEWCOMB: He was murdered? BOOTH: Yeah, we're very sorry for your loss. Where was the last place your brother worked? CHET NEWCOMB: Um, until a couple of weeks ago he worked... he worked here. Uh, then he left and he went to work for Criterion across the street. BRENNAN: Can you think of anyone who wanted to do him harm? VANESSA NEWCOMB: He was a car salesman. CHET NEWCOMB: Jungle Jim and Alex got into it pretty bad when Alex quit. BOOTH: Jungle Jim? (Cut to - Jeffersonian lab - autopsy room) VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Perimortem fractures on the victim's parietal. CAM: Cause of death? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: No, though, you know, might stun him for a moment. Is there any chance we can remove the remains from the iso-tank? CAM: I can't get a definitive reading yet. I have organic matter, from the victim and numerous creatures that took a piece from him. I'm running another test for viruses that could've been transmitted from the animals. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Dr. Saroyan, uh, the bones- there's more foam. CAM: Where? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Ooh, uh, it's spreading. CAM: Originating from where? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: The Chinese throw away 900 billion chopsticks every year. CAM: Any relevance whatsoever? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: No, no, none. It's, uh... I'm just...I'm a tad disoriented. CAM: So when you spout facts, it's your way of maintaing focus. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Facts are the stitches that hold the fabric of existence together. CAM: In that case, is it individual chopsticks or pairs? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Individual. The foam is coming from inside the bones themselves. Through the periosteum. (Cut to - Jungle Jim car Dealer, head office) JUNGLE JIM: Wow. Alex Newcomb. That's terrible. BOOTH: Is that thing tame? JUNGLE JIM: Bananas? Oh, he ain't flung poo since I bought him this hat. Alex. He was one ornery son of a bitch, but what a salesman. BRENNAN: Why did he quit working here? JUNGLE JIM: Oh, he didn't quit. I fired him. He was Bwana of the Month every month for over two years. The last two, he dropped to bwana number three. I told him if he didn't pick it up, we'd have to reduce his commissions. I mean, why pay top bwana money for a number three bwana? BOOTH: And how did he react? JUNGLE JIM: This is tough to talk about. It's just tough. He shoved Bananas off my shoulders. Just... shoved him. I've been waiting for an apology. I would've taken him back if he'd just apologized to Bananas. BRENNAN: Apologize to a monkey? JUNGLE JIM: He's got a heart just like you and me. I think it shows a basic lack of humanity to push a monkey. No wonder somebody killed him. (Cut to - Criterion Cars) HAL SHAZIRI: Alex shoved Jungle Jim's monkey? BUDDY SHAZIRI: There's your motive. That man has an unnatural attachment to his monkey. HAL SHAZIRI: Everyone knows you don't touch the monkey. BUDDY SHAZIRI: Everyone. BRENNAN: We need some actual evidence. BOOTH: Listen, what can you tell us about Alex? HAL SHAZIRI: Alex was a very good salesman. You see, in the one month, he broke every sales record we had. BOOTH: Buddy, is it? Looks like he took your spot. BUDDY SHAZIRI: Hey, family business, man. It's all good. HAL SHAZIRI: My God, this is such tragedy. How did his, uh, brother take the news? BOOTH: Oh, you, uh, you know Chet? HAL SHAZIRI: Sure, Alex wanted me to hire him. But now I feel bad that I could not. BRENNAN: Why couldn't you? HAL SHAZIRI: The poor man is sick. I need a strong man to sell my cars. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: 'Cause you want to buy a car from a guy who's, you know, vital. Makes a... a man feel like, you know, he's on the winning team, makes a woman feel all protected and safe. BRENNAN: That makes no sense. BUDDY SHAZIRI: No, I believe he's correct. HAL SHAZIRI: Mm-hmm, as do I, yeah. BOOTH: Did Alex have any enemies? HAL SHAZIRI: Lemon guy. BUDDY SHAZIRI: Lemon guy. BRENNAN: Is that another car dealer? HAL SHAZIRI: No. Angry customer took a golf club- Tah!- like that to Alex's windshield. Seven iron. BUDDY SHAZIRI: No, it was a nine iron. Oh, yeah. He said Alex, uh, sold him a lemon car. Bashed in Alex's ride. BRENNAN: Did Alex sell him a lemon? HAL SHAZIRI: No way. We are a class act. BUDDY SHAZIRI: Yeah, that's simply not how we roll, man. (Cut to - Jeffersonian Lab - autopsy room) CAM: Every serologic and biologic diagnostic I've run comes up the same- no drugs, viruses, poisons. HODGINS: Mine show no evidence of arsenic, ethylene glycol or cyanide. No signs of any toxins. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Then we could let him out? CAM: Okay. But we proceed with extreme caution. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: In the Dark Ages, it was believed that holding wine in the mouth while breathing through the nose would prevent the plague. HODGINS: That's the best idea I've heard today. Does it work with tequila? (Hodgins pokes the bone and more foam comes out) VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Uh-oh. CAM: What? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: This bone is, um, it's gone quite soft. Gelatinous. I believe it's disintegrating. HODGINS: We're losing our evidence? CAM: How much time do we have? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Uh... CAM: Tell me a little known fact. HODGINS: What? Uh... okay. Did you know that the international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672? CAM: Did you know that, Mr. Nigel-Murray? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I did not. I estimate that we are losing approximately 12% bone mass every hour. Which means... CAM: We could lose our evidence long before we solve our murder. ACT 2 (Cut to - Interrogation room, Brennan and Sweets are in the looking room)) BOOTH: (Booth swings a gold club) Nice grip on this iron. So, is this the type of club that you used to bash in Alex Newcomb's windshield? LEMON GUY: Hey, this guy took my money. And when there was a problem, it was like I didn't even exist. BOOTH: He's lucky the only thing you went after was his windshield. BRENNAN: That isn't what Booth really thinks? SWEETS: Uh, no, no. Booth sees that the man is humiliated and he displays empathy. BRENNAN: So, lying. SWEETS: Manipulating. Much like the car salesmen. I used to teach psychological techniques to car salesmen to make money for grad school. Not one of my finest moments. LEMON GUY: A lemon is a car that craps out on you three months to a year after you buy it. I didn't get more than ten miles off that lot when the brakes failed. That's not a lemon; that's a death trap. BOOTH: Yeah, you feared for your life. LEMON GUY: No, not my life- my kid... who was in the backseat, four years old, he cracked a rib, he... ...hit his head, he got stitches. BOOTH: Wow, I mean, you expect a car like that to be safe. LEMON GUY: That's damn right. BOOTH: Yeah, right? I got a kid. If someone endangered his life, I'd kill the guy. LEMON GUY: Wait... Somebody killed this guy? BOOTH: Killed him. Dead. LEMON GUY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, look... I busted up his windshield, all right. I- I l-lost my temper. But there is no way I'm gonna let my kid live without a father. BRENNAN: I want to do that. SWEETS: Do what? BRENNAN: Connect to people, like Booth does. You could teach me. SWEETS: Oh, I don't know. BRENNAN: In the spirit of scientific inquiry, I'd like to see if what you say about psychology is true. SWEETS: Did you just dare me, Dr. Brennan? (Cut to - Jeffersonian Lab, forensic platform) HODGINS: Hey, got something. I found some particulates on our victim's clothing. Simmondsia chinensis, mica Red 7 Lake, And Fragaria anassa. Also known as Lust Dust. CAM: Lust Dust? HODGINS: On his pants. His, uh, lap. Strawberry body glitter. Such as might be utilized by a lap dancer? (Vincent and Cam suddenly get it) CAM: Well, that's something I can tell Booth. HODGINS: That makes me King of the Lab. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: A large percentage of the monarchy are actually mentally handicapped due to inbreeding. HODGINS: Can't ruin it for me. King of the Lab! (Cut to - Showgirls strip club) BOOTH: Hey, Bones, look, this is the only strip club in proximity to Alex's home and work, all right. You know what; you didn't have to come inside with me. BRENNAN: No, I look forward to observing your behavior. BOOTH: My what? BRENNAN: Sweets says you're manipulative. Like a salesman. I want to study your technique. BOOTH: My technique? Wait, I'm gonna smack that guy. BRENNAN: You put people at ease, get them to do your bidding. It's a very useful skill. One I wish my father had passed on to me. BOOTH: All right, look, your father is a con man, I am not a con man. Let us just remember that. Okay, just watch. Don't say anything. Excuse me, ladies, uh, if I may, um, which one of you likes to use this stuff? BRENNAN: It's strawberry Lust Dust. STRAWBERRY LUST: Well, that would be me. Strawberry Lust. BOOTH: Right. Strawberry Lust. The one and only. I'm sure you thought long and hard about that stage name, right? BRENNAN: We'd like to speak with you in private. BOOTH: No, not in private. I could just ask you a few questions here. All right, Bones, you know what? It's a little weird that you're here watching. Why don't you just go outside... STRAWBERRY LUST: It's not weird, baby. Lots of people like to watch. BRENNAN: Oh, thank you. I get tremendous satisfaction out of observing a whole variety of activities. BOOTH: I'd just like to ask you a couple questions. STRAWBERRY LUST: Your boyfriend's shy, isn't he? Sweet. That'll be 60 bucks. BRENNAN: Okay, I got that. BOOTH: Bones? BRENNAN: Here you go. STRAWBERRY LUST: Thanks. Hey, relax. She's going to be enjoying this, too. BOOTH: Right, just... Whoa, all right. STRAWBERRY LUST: Not so interested in talking now, are you, baby? BRENNAN: You have excellent control of your hips. STRAWBERRY LUST: So I've been told. BOOTH: Wh... Um, Miss Lust, um, Miss Lust, actually, I'm with the, uh, FBI. I need to ask you, um... few question about maybe a client? STRAWBERRY LUST: FBI? I'm a criminal science major at Georgetown. BOOTH: Yeah, and yet, here you are, right? Working off student loans? STRAWBERRY LUST: You know it. School's a fortune. BRENNAN: Well, I think you will pay off your loans very quickly. BOOTH: Bones? BRENNAN: She's quite arousing, which I imagine translates into excellent tips. BOOTH: All right, uh, Miss Lust, um, Alex Newcomb, um, Criterion Cars, uh, salesman. Uh, maybe a client of yours? STRAWBERRY LUST: Yeah, sure, regular. What about him? BOOTH: Well, we have evidence that you, um, gave him a lap dance on the night that he died. STRAWBERRY LUST: Died? Whoa. Murdered? BOOTH: Can you just answer the, uh... STRAWBERRY LUST: Right, cooperate fully. I aced my freshman criminology class. Um, I gave him a couple of dances Thursday night. He was pretty drunk. Started a fight and Billy had to kick him out. Wait... wait a minute. Am I a suspect? Because all I do is gyrate and that never killed anyone. BOOTH: Uh, did he get into a fight with one of the bouncers? STRAWBERRY LUST: No, with another car salesman. You know, the Indian guy? Buddy. BOOTH: From Criterion. BRENNAN: He lied to you. You should go talk to Buddy. BOOTH: Yes, I-I should. BRENNAN: Then tell Miss Lust to get up. STRAWBERRY LUST: I think that might be a little embarrassing right now, huh, baby? BRENNAN: That's my gun. (To Brennan) Give us a minute? BOOTH: (She sits back on her chair) Okay. BOOTH: Outside. BRENNAN: What's outside? BOOTH: Can you go outside, please? BRENNAN: Wh... Did we get our 60 dollar's worth yet? (Cut to - Jeffersonian, Brennan's office. She and Sweets are sitting) SWEETS: We'll start with a simple exercise um, to recognize emotions from facial expressions. Then I'll give you skills to deal with those emotions. BRENNAN: Okay. SWEETS: Okay, just give me a moment. (He turns around and makes a face) Okay. BRENNAN: You're ill. SWEETS: Ill? No, Dr. Brennan, no. Ill is not even an emotion. My brow is furrowed, mouth slightly open, eyes quizzical. I'm expressing confusion, and its corresponding vulnerability. BRENNAN: What are you confused about? SWEETS: That's not important at this point. Now it's just important to recognize that when someone is vulnerable, you have the opportunity to help them feel secure. Thereby gaining their trust and forming a relationship. Having this skill can, ahh, it can enrich all aspects of your life. BRENNAN: And not just supply the world with dishonest car salesmen. SWEETS: No. SWEETS: Let's try another one. (He turns around again to make another face) Okay. (angrily) Okay! BRENNAN: Wha... What is wrong? I... You are very intolerant, Sweets. I am doing the best that I can. Okay. SWEETS: That's right, that's right, I was expressing anger. Excellent recognition. Very poor response to it, though. BRENNAN: Should I have become physical? SWEETS: No. Well, not if you're trying to establish an emotional connection. BRENNAN: Do you think that Booth was trained like this? SWEETS: Some people just have a natural ability. But, hey, hey, Dr. Brennan, you're a brilliant woman. And you'll get there, okay? (Cut to - Jeffersonian, autopsy room) HODGINS: Okay. The skull is melting. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: We can use this C- Ring magnifier to enlarge a greater area. (VNM turns on the magnifier and an explosion occurs on the body. All the lockdown alarms go on) HODGINS: Whoa! (Cam and Sweets join Hodgins and VNM) VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Well... Uh, the fire appears not to have damaged the remains. BRENNAN: How did it start? (Hodgins and VNM both point to the body) CAM: Oh, I see, so we're going with the old "blame the corpse" defense. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I just... I turned on the C-Ring magnifier, and then there was a little pop, and then... HODGINS: Whoosh. Pop, whoosh. BRENNAN: But if the light was the ignition source, that suggests the body was emitting some kind of gas. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Uh, diatomic gases emit a distinctive ultraviolet hue when they oxidize. CAM: These remains were emitting hydrogen gas. HODGINS: Not anymore- it all burned up. BRENNAN: Whatever mysterious process is destroying these bones emits hydrogen gas as a by-product. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to - Criterion cars) BUDDY SHAZIRI: Agent Booth... is it the FBI's intention to confiscate our automobile? BOOTH: Oh, no, but, you know, I might be in the market to buy one, Mr. Shirazi. BUDDY SHAZIRI: Base price starts at $114,000, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Family money. (Buddy hands Booth his card) BUDDY SHAZIRI: Well, please, call me Buddy. (Cut to - in the Audi car on a test drive) BOOTH: Okay. BUDDY SHAZIRI: 4.2 liter V8, carbon ceramic brakes with monobloc Brembo calipers. BOOTH: Zero to 60? BUDDY SHAZIRI: 4.6 seconds, but, uh... please, not during the test drive. BOOTH: Right. You married, Buddy? BUDDY SHAZIRI: Yes, indeed, bro. Four blissful years, but, uh, I know you must be a bachelor, because this car is for prowling. BOOTH: That's right. I am a bachelor. I do like to prowl. I usually head over to that, uh... that strip club, uh, Imperial Showgirls over on, uh, Washtenaw. You know, where they have all that lap dancing. BUDDY SHAZIRI: (Uncomfortably) I- I don't know that place. BOOTH: No? (He slams on the gas) BUDDY SHAZIRI: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Oh, God, please... BOOTH: Imperial Showgirls? BUDDY SHAZIRI: Uh, did my wife send you? Okay, please, I implore you to slow down. Uh, the railway tracks. BOOTH: What? BUDDY SHAZIRI: The railway tracks are there, and you must please slow down to five miles an hour before we... okay What do you need to know? BOOTH: You got into a fight with Alex Newcomb at Imperial Showgirls the night he was murdered. I want to know why. BUDDY SHAZIRI: He stole a client from me. I punched him in the nose. Please, man, the tracks. BOOTH: How do I know you're not lying? BUDDY SHAZIRI: I'm not lying. I'm not lying, I swear. I'm not lying. I'm not a liar. The tracks! The tracks! The tracks! The tracks! The tracks! (Booth stop the car just short of the tracks and turns around) Thank you, Agent Booth. Thank you. Okay! We were both thrown out of the club. I foolishly drove home drunk, and I apologize. I won't do it again. BOOTH: Okay, what did Newcomb do? BUDDY SHAZIRI: I don't know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait. He, uh... he took a cab. He told the driver to... to-to-to take him back to Jungle Jim's. He said to me, "Screw you and everyone who works at Criterion. I'm going to get my old job back." BOOTH: Right. You know what; this baby definitely pulls to the right. You have alignment problems. You know what, I'm going to call my partner and get a ride back. (Booth gets out of the car) (Cut to - Booth and Brennan on the phone, each in their office) BRENNAN: Did you check with the taxi company? BOOTH: Oh, yeah. Alex Newcomb took a taxi to Jungle Jim's that night, uh, and the cabbie said that he was intoxicated. BRENNAN: Well, do you think that Newcomb was going to apologize to the monkey and get his job back? BOOTH: Well, yeah, he definitely wanted to get the monkey off his back. BRENNAN: But the monkey was on Jungle Jim's back. BOOTH: Well, Alex felt guilty for leaving his brother all alone at Jungle Jim's. BRENNAN: Oh, so Alex Newcomb's brother, Chet Newcomb, was the monkey on the back. BOOTH: Oh, you know what, I am getting off that merry-go-round right now, Bones. BRENNAN: Booth? Booth? (She arrives on the platform) Update? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I found perimortem Colles' fractures on both the right and left distal radii. Possibly from the breaking of a fall. BRENNAN: Where? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Already dissolved. BRENNAN: Any definite cause of death? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, uh, areas on the left lateral thorax near the rib fractures show... (Vincent moves the camera to where it should be to see that it's gone) It's gone. CAM: More evidence is gone? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: The rate of dissolution is accelerating. CAM: Are you hearing this, Dr. Hodgins? BRENNAN: We're losing the bones. We have to figure a way to arrest the destruction of... HODGINS: Ion chromatography takes time. CAM: Yeah, let's give him a little space. BRENNAN: Okay, so we know that the bones are dissolving faster than the rest of the body. Why should that happen? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: What do bones have that the rest of the body doesn't? BRENNAN: Calcium. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Oddly enough, calcium is the fifth most abundant element in both the crust of the Earth and the ocean. BRENNAN: We're looking for a corrosive that produces hydrogen gas when it breaks down calcium. HODGINS: Fluoride ions would tear through cells and soft tissue until they met up with calcium. BRENNAN: All acids contain hydrogen. HODGINS: Hydrofluoric acid. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Used in various, uh, pesticides, rust removers, petrochemical development, to clean and brighten certain metals. HODGINS: Antacid. CAM: You think he's troubled by indigestion? HODGINS: Antacid contains magnesium hydroxide. If we cover the hydrofluoric acid in enough magnesium, it will stop attacking the bones. CAM: Makes sense... I hope. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: The first recorded antacid was an amalgam of ambergris and musk, though since ambergris could only be obtained from whales, it wasn't readily available to all. (The foam turns into a solid crust) BRENNAN: Wh... it's working. HODGINS: Yeah. CAM: What's happening? HODGINS: The good news is that the bones stopped dissolving. The, uh, bad news is... VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Our foamy friend seems to be petrifying right before our very eyes. CAM: Oh, God. (The lockdown alarm goes off again) BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray, perhaps you and Dr. Hodgins can figure out a way to free the victim's remains so that we can discover cause of death. HODGINS: Well, how do we do that? Drop it on the floor like a piggy bank? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I suggest we cut off one of the limbs- one of the less crucial limbs, of course- and run some tests. CAM: Are you serious? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: No. (Cam leaves. Hodgins and Vincent lean in on the body) Would it interest you to know... HODGINS: No, at-at this moment, it-it would not. (Cut to - Interrogation room viewing room) BRENNAN: Please, Booth, I'm ready. BOOTH: One lesson with Sweets doesn't turn you into the master interrogator. BRENNAN: What, is master interrogator a real thing? SWEETS: Technically, no. BOOTH: You got to know exactly what you want to find out when you go in there. BRENNAN: Really, if you can do it, I can. BOOTH: Seriously. You think you can do anything I can do? BRENNAN: Not the big, strong, sheerly physical things, but otherwise... yes. BOOTH: Fine, be my guest. Be the big cheese. Fill the shoes. SWEETS: Here, take an earpiece in case you, you know need help. BRENNAN: Okay, but don't distract me unnecessarily. (Brennan goes in the interrogation room) BOOTH: It's all your fault. You know that, right? SWEETS: Why? You're the one that said yes. BRENNAN: I'm Dr. Brennan. MAUREEN PEROT: Yeah, I know. We met, like, five times. BRENNAN: Together, you and I are going to help each other out here. MAUREEN PEROT: If by "help," you mean put me in the electric chair. BRENNAN: Was that a confession? Because it sounded like a confession. MAUREEN PEROT: No, no, no, I was... I was being, um... Are you serious? SWEETS: I'm sorry. BRENNAN: Did you enjoy sx with Alex Newcomb? MAUREEN PEROT: No, I did not. It was over too quick, and he didn't put enough weight on his elbows. BRENNAN: So... you admit to a sexual relationship? No, no. No, once again, I was... I was joking, so... No. We just worked together. BRENNAN: Where were you last Thursday night? MAUREEN PEROT: Bowling. BRENNAN: Did you kill Alex Newcomb? MAUREEN PEROT: No. Did you? BRENNAN: No. SWEETS: Oh. BOOTH: Will you just... ask her if Alex Newcomb ever stole any of her customers. BRENNAN: Did Alex ever skate any of your sales? MAUREEN PEROT: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he did. I'd have referrals come in on my days off, and he would tell them I'd been fired. BRENNAN: That's terrible. MAUREEN PEROT: Look, the only person that he really cared about was his brother. BRENNAN: How do you know? MAUREEN PEROT: Why do you think Alex went from number one to number three? He punted sales to his brother. Made me number one. BRENNAN: So, you had no reason to kill him. MAUREEN PEROT: Nope. BRENNAN: Thank you for your cooperation. SWEETS: That's it? Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You were right she wasn't ready. BOOTH: No, she wasn't ready, Sweets, but we found out something really, really important. SWEETS: What, the woman bowls? BOOTH: No, we found out that the victim was secretly carrying his brother. (Cut to - Jeffersonian, foresic platform) CAM: Any good news? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I think I may have discovered cause of death. CAM: Even though the victim is still wearing his hard candy coating? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I went back over the X-rays and the MRI scans. This defect on the posterior aspect of the sternum. There. CAM: That's very small. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: This shadow suggests that the margins bevel inward, which suggests that it was left by the tip of whatever weapon, was used to kill the victim. CAM: How can we confirm that? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: By cracking this baby open and taking a good look. HODGINS: So... IC results confirm anions of chloride, sulfate, phosphate, nitrate and fluoride. So his body was exposed to highly concentrated hydrofluoric acid. CAM: Ah, we got something right. Now, how do we get him out? HODGINS: No idea. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Perhaps... one good sharp shock with a mallet would free the remains inside. HODGINS: I also found some fecal matter on the bottom of the shoes. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: 90% of the world's population have fecal matter on the bottom of their shoes. HODGINS: Not from a Cebinae Cebus. CAM: A what? HODGINS: Capuchin. VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Jungle Jim's monkey Banas is of the capuchin variety, named thus for their uncanny resemblance to the, uh, Capuchin monks, uh, the- an offshoot of the Franciscan order. HODGINS: They had... Motile flagellates in the poop date the freshness to five days ago. CAM: The same day Alex Newcomb was killed. HODGINS: Has anyone suggested a pinata scenario? I'll leave you to it. (Cur to - Jungle Jim car dealer) JUNGLE JIM: You people better have a warrant. BRENNAN: We have reason to believe that Alex Newcomb was here the night he died. JUNGLE JIM: Well, I didn't see him. Monkey crap? You're here looking for monkey crap? BRENNAN: Feces, yes. It won't be hard to find. Maybe Banas should wear a diaper all the time. BOOTH: Diaper. JUNGLE JIM: All right, if Alex was here, I didn't see him. MAUREEN PEROT: Okay, what is going on now? JUNGLE JIM: Oh, they think that Banas killed Alex. BOOTH: We never said that. MAUREEN PEROT: O- Okay, wait a minute. You think Alex was killed here? JUNGLE JIM: N- No, n- nobody here killed Alex. Would you just go back to the floor? Go. Go. FBI TECH: Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan, we found blood. (Cut to - Back room) FBI TECH: So there's an additional wide stain around the blood where the concrete is clearly pitted. BOOTH: What is it? FBI TECH: It's congruent with a strong acid. BRENNAN: What is this, please? JUNGLE JIM: That's Gleam-o. BOOTH: What's that? JUNGLE JIM: It's a tire cleaner- it's-it's real concentrated. BOOTH: Is it corrosive? BRENNAN: 60% hydrofluoric acid. That would explain what happened to Alex Newcomb's bones. BOOTH: So we got blood, we got a method of disposing the body. Looks like you're going to have to shut the jungle down, pal. JUNGLE JIM: Why? BRENNAN: Because everyone who works here is now a suspect. Including you, Jungle Jim. (Cut to - Founding Fathers, Brennan, Booth and Cam are sitting at a table) WAITRESS: Here you go. CAM: So... the blood from Jungle Jim's is a match for Alex Newcomb. He was killed in the service area. BRENNAN: He was killed and then soaked in corrosive tire cleaner. CAM: So... the killer thinks the body is going to dissolve instantly, like it does in the movies, then nothing happens except every alarm in the lab goes off time and again. BOOTH: You okay? CAM: Yes. This is just really good wine. BOOTH: Right, okay, so the killer still has the body, so he tosses it off the cliff. CAM: What was Alex Newcomb doing back at Jungle Jim's that night? BOOTH: Ah... Bones here already figured that one out. BRENNAN: I did? How? Alex was there for his brother, trying to save Chet's job. You got that one right. (Cut to - Jeffersonian, forensic platform) VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: I've got dipsticks, pry bars, ceremonial weapons, but the defect in the sternum is too small to make a definitive match. CAM: The stab perforated the spine. What about injury to the vertebrae? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: According to my calculations, reversing the trajectory of the nick in the sternum, Alex was stabbed between the seventh and the eighth vertebrae. CAM: But we won't get anything from those vertebrae. They were already jelly when the X-rays were taken. I hate this case. Did you know that the earliest production of wine took place in 6,000 BC in what is now Iran? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: From grapes. Rice was used in China in 7,000 BC. CAM: Is there anything you don't know? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes, the murder weapon. Dr. Brennan is very adamant that without a murder weapon it's much more difficult to prosecute a homicide. CAM: We have to find a way to unseal this body. (She takes a swing with a crow bar) VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: W- Whoa, whoa! Dr. Saroyan, okay, I'd just like to point out that this could very much resemble what happens when one strikes an egg with a sledgehammer. CAM: Can you see another choice? VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY: Could we at least don some rain gear first? ANGELA: Maybe I could help. Why is it that nobody ever says to me, "Gee, Angela, this looks impossible, but maybe you're the person who could solve the problem"? (Cut to - Jeffersonian, Angela's office) BRENNAN: Cam says you might be able to do a virtual examination of the body. ANGELA: I've been working on a new program that uses Configuration-bias Monte Carlo method. Here are the bones currently left in the body. Now, there's not much left, but by factoring in rate of decomposition and bone destruction from the hydrofluoric acid, I can attempt to virtually regrow the bone. BRENNAN: I have been to 74 interrogations with Booth- 42 in the room and 32 observing. ANGELA: Uh-huh. BRENNAN: I should be able to do it. ANGELA: What, interrogate? BRENNAN: Yes. I-I even engaged in a very interesting session with Sweets to improve my ability to manipulate people. ANGELA: That wouldn't work. BRENNAN: Why not? ANGELA: Because what Booth has, you can't learn from baby boy shrink. Booth's brilliant at pretending to be stupider than he actually is most of the time. BRENNAN: Brilliant at stupidity? ANGELA: Especially around you. Okay, here is what Alex Newcomb's skeleton looked like 12 hours ago. BRENNAN: Why would Booth do that? ANGELA: Well, he knows that you like to be the smart one, so he lets you have that. All right, here's what Alex's bones looked like at the time of his death. BRENNAN: Huh. Jagged crenellations between the seventh and eighth vertebrae indicate the path of the murder weapon. ANGELA: Combing trajectory analysis with force and thrust ratio. This suggests a square-edged blade with an overlying step that was at least 16 centimeters long. BRENNAN: You know I am smarter than Booth. ANGELA: Okay, so maybe you should just let him have the people skills part of the job to himself then. BRENNAN: Can you zoom in there? Okay, look at this. A curved notch, maybe from a small pin? ANGELA: Yeah, or a screw. BRENNAN: Screw. Two blades held together by a screw. Scissors. You are amazing, Angela. ANGELA: Eh, I just program the computer. You're the whiz master who makes the calls. You're welcome. Hey, sweetie? I think you'll find that the murder weapon was a pair of tailor shears. BRENNAN: Why? ANGELA: Why don't you run this information by Booth and see how quickly he comes to the same conclusion? (Cut to - Jungle Jim car dealer) CHET NEWCOMB: Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan, how you doing? VANESSA NEWCOMB: Have you made any progress on the case? BOOTH: Yeah, here you go. (He hands Vanessa Newcomb a warrant) VANESSA NEWCOMB: What's this? BOOTH: That's a warrant to seize all your scissors and sewing shears. CHET NEWCOMB: Why? JUNGLE JIM: Hey, Newcomb, how long does it take to swallow a couple of pills? We got customers on the floor. Get your hat on. CHET NEWCOMB: What's going on? VANESSA NEWCOMB: Uh, get back inside, Chet. CHET NEWCOMB: What's happening? VANESSA NEWCOMB: Just go back inside. Don't lose your job. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Oh, look at that. See, our lab discovered that the murder weapon was a pair of tailor shears. BRENNAN: And Booth immediately remembered that you're a seamstress. BOOTH: We're pretty sure we're going to find Alex Newcomb's blood on those. VANESSA NEWCOMB: Alex caught me with someone. BRENNAN: Sexually, you mean? BOOTH: Who? Jungle Jim? BRENNAN: Whoa, how did you get there? BOOTH: That's how your sick husband kept his job. First his brother tried to help, then you. VANESSA NEWCOMB: It was just one time. I told Jungle Jim I'd have sx with him just once if he wouldn't fire Chet, and... my luck. Alex walked in looking to get his job back and... Alex wouldn't listen to me. He said he was going to tell Chet and I... I couldn't let that happen, so... BRENNAN: So you killed him? VANESSA NEWCOMB: Look, I love my husband. BOOTH: Yeah, so did his brother. (Cut to - Founding Fathers, Booth and Brennan are at the bar) BOOTH: Just give me a ten. BRENNAN: But you had most of the potatoes. BOOTH: Okay, then you have that, okay? All right. Bones, you ready? BRENNAN: You haven't said anything about my interrogation. BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You did great, okay, better than I thought. BRENNAN: I was terrible. Everybody's right. I lack empathy. BOOTH: You got empathy. You're awkward. That's different. BRENNAN: My stuff is bones, yours is people. BOOTH: Right. So you're admitting that I'm better at something than you are? BRENNAN: No... Yes. A lot better. BOOTH: Thanks, Bones. Hey. Can we go now? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Yes, wait till you see what's outside. (They go outside to see the Audi parked out front) BOOTH: So... what do you think? Right, huh? Buddy let me borrow it. BRENNAN: Can I drive it? BOOTH: Oh, no, no, wait a second. This is a very powerful machine. BRENNAN: Well, I can handle it. BOOTH: Okay, look, once around the block. Uh, maybe. Okay. Hey, driving a machine like this is like making love. You have to go gently. BRENNAN: I go more for passionate and uninhibited rather than gentle. BOOTH: Bones, gently. Go ahead. Gentle, Bones, gentle. Bones, easy on the gas. Easy. Whoa, stop! Brakes... BRENNAN: The car broke. BOOTH: Okay, let me drive. BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Okay, fine, you know what? Just do it without me, okay? BRENNAN: Wait, no. It's no fun by myself. BOOTH: See you. BRENNAN: No, but at least help me get into first gear. BOOTH: First gear? You're a scientist. You can figure it out, right? BRENNAN: I'm a scientist, not a mechanic. BOOTH: A mechanic? What did I say? Drive it gently, but no, you don't listen to me. I'm done, forget it. BRENNAN: No, come on, Booth, come back. I am an excellent driver. BOOTH: See you. BRENNAN: Buddy's going to be very upset you're leaving it here without... BOOTH: Buddy will completely understand because of the way that you drove that car. I told you to go gently- everybody back out, back out. BRENNAN: Come on Booth! Booth!	Plan: A: A bungee-jumping couple; Q: Who plunged off of a hot-air balloon after getting married? A: a corpse; Q: What did the couple come face to face with at the bottom of the gorge? A: Brennan; Q: Who is the only person who can rule out suicide? A: the dirty side; Q: What side of the automobile sales industry do Brennan, Booth and Sweets find themselves in? A: the automobile sales industry; Q: What industry do Brennan, Booth and Sweets find themselves in? A: the Jeffersonian; Q: Where does Cam notice an unknown substance oozing from the body? A: Cam; Q: Who notices an unknown substance oozing from the body? A: lockdown; Q: What does Cam put the lab into? A: The team; Q: Who has 24 hours to unravel the mystery before the bones disintegrate? Summary: A bungee-jumping couple plunged off of a hot-air balloon after getting married only to come face-to-face with a corpse lying at the bottom of the gorge. After ruling out suicide, Brennan, Booth and Sweets find themselves in the dirty side of the automobile sales industry. At the Jeffersonian, Cam notices an unknown substance oozing from the body and puts the lab into lockdown. The team have only 24 hours to unravel the mystery before the bones disintegrate.
Opening shots and series recap JACK : (VO) Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on earth and arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes and you gotta be ready. EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET - DAY Detective Swanson speaks to SOCO outside a house surrounded by police cars. The Torchwood SUV can be heard roaring down the road, breaks squealing. Swanson walks away from SOCO to meet them. Torchwood get out of the SUV and walk towards her, they all wear sunglasses and jackets. SWANSON : At last, you must be torchwood. My team bitch about you all the time. JACK : And you are ? SWANSON : Detective Swanson. JACK : I'm Captain Jack Harkness. They shake hands. SWANSON : So I've heard tell me something, are you always this dressy for a murder investigation ? Jack takes off his sunglasses to look her in the eye, trying to win her over. JACK : What you rather me naked ? SWANSON : God help me, the stories are true. He raises his eyebrows at her. GWEN : So who's the victim ? SWANSON : That's victims plural. Yesterday a man was murdered at 96 Oakham Street, Alex Arwyn, 28, single, estate agent... Swanson hands Jack a file and he flicks through the photos inside. SWANSON : Here we go. That's from the scene of crime; today in here we get two more. Mark and Sarah Briscoe, both 33, married, he's a surveyor she works in education. JACK : What about the smears of blood ? Is that writing ? SWANSON : Work in progress... Come inside and see the finished thing. Swanson leads them inside the house into a bedroom. SOCO take photographs of the scene. GWEN : Oh my god... Two bodies lie on the bed. They are covered in blood and deep gashes mar their necks and limbs - a brutal murder. SWANSON : Looks like someone wants your attention. A picture of the couple leans against the wall at the head of the bed, dropped from the wall. Above it 'Torchwood' has been written in large letters with the blood of the victims. JACK : They've got it. OPENING CREDITS SWANSON : We found a few of the killer's hairs from the first murder. Lab results should be in soon... JACK : Good. We'll need that. No if you could just clear the room, some of this equipment is strictly need to know. Swanson starts to leave then hovers slightly, annoyed but unsure whether she should speak. She does then moves towards the door. SWANSON : It was only a matter of time... JACK : What was ? SWANSON : Torchwood walks all over this city like you own it now these people are paying the price, ordinary people ripped apart with your name written in their own blood. From where I'm standing, you did this Captain Jack Harkness, you did it ! She leaves the room and Owen closes the door behind her. OWEN : Still at least we got a head start. If it someone we pissed off that narrows it down to, ooh, four or five million. JACK : And that's just the humans. Talks to Tosh over the com. JACK : Tosh, how we doing ? [SCENE_BREAK] Toshiko in the SUV working on the computer, comparing the victims. TOSHIKO : There's no record of Mr and Mrs Briscoe on our database, nor yesterday's victim and no link between him and the Briscoe's, no connection between any of them. Swanson takes papers from a police officer and stands next to the patrol car. The DNA results appear on Toshiko's computer. TOSHIKO : Jack I've got the result on the killer's hair. Jack, Gwen and Owen walk over to Swanson and Jack leans over the patrol car door next to Swanson. SWANSON : Initial findings say : Caucasian male, early 40's, smoker, drinks tequila. Doesn't match any DNA profiles. Only thing of interest is a compound we've never see before. Owen takes the file from her. SWANSON : Recognise it ? OWEN : Uh oh, we're in trouble. GWEN : What is it ? OWEN : Compound B67. JACK : You're kidding ? OWEN : Retcon, he's got retcon in his blood. INT. THE HUB - DAY POV from balcony opposite the Conference Room. Ianto walks past the water tower towards the conference room. Pan right to look through the conference room window, the other members of the team are inside. POV computer screen. Owen looks at the screen explaining Retcon. OWEN : B67, aka retcon, aka the magic ingredient of the amnesia pill. See screen with image of the molecular make-up of Retcon. Track back to see Jack, Gwen and Toshiko sitting around the conference table, Owen standing with his back to them looking at the screen GWEN : And this belongs to us. Whoever this killer is, it's someone we gave the amnesia pill to. Ianto enters the room quietly. OWEN : Is he remembering he was a serial killer, or is he becoming a serial killer because of the Retcon ? GWEN : Wait a minute, I've taken retcon... Jack looks at Toshiko and smiles at Gwen, amused. JACK : Better stay away from sharp objects. Ianto how many people have we given amnesia pills to ? IANTO : Two thousand and eight... OWEN : (Enthusiastically) Hey what if they've all become psychotic ! TOSHIKO : Do you have to sound so happy ? OWEN : Yeah I'm just saying, mean streets... JACK : Tosh, narrow the list down to fit Swanson's profile start checking them out fast as you can. You two there's gotta be a link between the victims, find the link, find the killer, get to it. They stand to leave, but Gwen remains seated. GWEN : Jack if there is a link then why don't we just ask the victims ourselves ? JACK : No the right time for a séance thank you very much. GWEN : The first time I met Torchwood you had that glove... Jack and Owen share a glance before answering. JACK : Heh heh, no way. OWEN : Not after what it did to Suzie. GWEN : It brings people back to life; just for two minutes, we could question the murder victims. OWEN : That's exactly what she said. She was one of us, we trusted her, and now she's dead because of that thing. JACK : The glove stays in the safe where it belongs. GWEN : These murders are happening because of Torchwood. So Torchwood has got to do something. INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE POV SAFE. Jack pulls a metal crate from the safe and puts it on his desk. The others stand watching him. Jack talks to them as he opens the box. JACK : It fell through the rift about forty years ago; lay at the bottom of the bay until we dredged it up. I always figured it wasn't just lost, whoever made it, wanted rid of it. Jack takes the glove from the case and holds it up in front of him. OWEN : You know, we never gave it a cool name. TOSHIKO : I thought we called it the resurrection glove. OWEN : Cool name... IANTO : What about... the risen mitten ? The others look at Ianto, a little under-whelmed, Owen giving a small sigh. IANTO : I think it's catchy. INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM Jack and Gwen stand on either side of the table on which lies the body of Alex Arwyn, the first murder victim GWEN : Jack, are you ok ? Jack throws a stopwatch to Ianto who stands near to Owen next to the monitoring equipment. Jack puts on the Risen Mitten. JACK : Don't forget, the maximum resurrection time was two minutes, that's only because Suzie had practise, the most we're likely to get is 30 seconds, ok? Tosh you ready ? Toshiko sits at a computer on the balcony. TOSHIKO : Ready and recording. This man was victim number one, name Alex Arwyn. Jack places the glove on the corpse's head and closes his eyes, concentrating on find Alex. JACK : Come back Alex, come back... GWEN : How does it work ? JACK : You just of feel like reaching into the dark, finding the dead. I can't... I don't... Arghh ! He pulls his hand away sharply and tugs off the glove, shaking his burnt hand. JACK : Damn ! Sorry never was very good with this thing, Owen... He offers Owen the glove. JACK : No, I tried last time, we all had a go, it only responded to Suzie. GWEN : Well I never had a go. Jack hands her the glove cautiously. Jack and Gwen swap positions as she puts it on. GWEN : Its cold... JACK : It warms up... the glove relies on some sort of empathy, maybe compassion and... Just be yourself. Gwen puts her hand behind Alex's head and it begins working immediately. She breathes in deeply as Alex wakes and Ianto starts timing. ALEX : Help me, help me, help me ! JACK : Alex, I need you to listen to me... ALEX : Somebody help me... Help me ! JACK : That's what we're doing. Alex. You were attacked. You know who it was ? Who attacked you ? ALEX : Who are you ? OWEN : How long ? ALEX : Where am I ? IANTO : 15 seconds. ALEX : Who are you ? GWEN : I'm just trying to help sweetheart, I'm just trying to help... ALEX : I want my mum. Please, let me see my ma. Alex's breath catches in his throat and he dies. OWEN : He's gone. GWEN : Let me keep trying... OWEN : Gwen he's dead. GWEN : But I can bring him back. JACK : The glove only works once. GWEN : But I can do it, just let me try ! JACK : Gwen, look at me. He's gone. Gwen stares at Jack, not wanting to believe him. She pulls away from Alex. IANTO : Amazing, she's a natural... 24 seconds. OWEN : Give Ianto a stopwatch and he's happy. IANTO : It's the button on the top. JACK : What do you think ? Gwen ? You wanna stop ? Gwen turns to look at him, holding the glove firmly onto her hand. TOSHIKO : Recording, victim number two, Mark Briscoe. Gwen puts her hand behind the corpse's head. GWEN : Oh my god I can feel him, it's like, it's like a rope from my heart to the glove. Ahh it's so warm... Mark wakes, calm but confused. JACK : Hey there. Just look at me, look me in the eye. That's it... MARK : Where am I ? JACK : You've been hurt. We don' have long, we need to know who attacked you. MARK : Is my wife alright ? JACK : We're looking after her. Now Mark, who was it ? MARK : It was that man. He belonged to pilgrim, he went to pilgrim. JACK : What's pilgrim ? MARK : Oh my god, he had a knife. JACK : No Mark he's gone. But we don't have long... quickly, what was his name ? IANTO : 35 seconds... MARK : Max, can't think of his surname. TOSHIKO : Trying pilgrim and Max. Get a description. JACK : You've got to give us something more so we can catch him. MARK : There was, there was someone who knew him better... That woman... She was always talking to him. JACK : What was her name ? MARK : Where's my wife ? JACK : Her name ? MARK : Suzie. They are silenced by his answer and Mark drops back dead. IANTO : One minute, five seconds... TOSHIKO : Jack, did I hear that right ? OWEN : Could be anyone. Must be lots of women called Suzie. JACK : Not connected to this case. We've been talking to the wrong corpse. INT. THE HUB. CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Toshiko enters and hands the others photocopied flyers for Pilgrim. TOSHIKO : Pilgrim. A religious support group, more like a debating society. Meaning of life, does God exist ?... All that stuff. The point is it was tiny, more like a hobby, run by Mark Briscoe's wife Sarah. She had all that stashed in a wardrobe, hand written and photocopied. That's why I couldn't find any records, she wasn't even online. JACK : No mention of Suzie or Max ? TOSHIKO : Not a word. She didn't even keep a register. OWEN : Wouldn't be our Suzie though. Wouldn't go for all that support group bollocks. GWEN : How would you know ? I mean were you friends ? Any of you ? Who was her best friend in this place ? OWEN : She sort of, kept herself to herself. GWEN : Well if she needed to talk maybe that's exactly where she'd go, a group of complete strangers. JACK : Could be, you got a point Gwen. Time we got to know our deceased colleague a little better. EXT. A LOCKUP GARAGE - NIGHT The SUV pulls up outside the storage facility and Jack, Gwen, Owen and Toshiko get out into the rain. Toshiko walks over to a control panel on the wall next to the garage door and enters a code. GWEN : Have I got this right ? When I die you get to keep all of my possessions ? My whole life is gonna get stashed in a lock up. JACK : Rules and regulations. GWEN : What if I leave all my stuff to Rhys ? The door opens and they stand looking into the storage room, shining torches through the darkness. It is quite a large space, piled high with boxes - each marked with Torchwood's logo. JACK : We'll stash him away too. Tread carefully people, with respect. This is the life of Suzie Costello. TOSHIKO : It's all we are in the end, a pile of boxes. They begin searching through the boxes. Jack hands Gwen a box and she picks up a photo of Suzie and her father. GWEN : Is her father still alive ? TOSHIKO : I don't know. GWEN : Well you must've looked him to tell him his daughter was dead. TOSHIKO : When Suzie left Torchwood she was on the run, she wiped all her records. I couldn't retrieve her files. She was good at computers. She's good at everything. OWEN : She's good at murder too. Laugh a minute, that was Suzie. Gwen points her torch at the book Jack holds. GWEN : What's that ? JACK : A book. Emily Dickinson, poet. TOSHIKO : Jack. Toshiko passes a Pilgrim flyer to Jack. TOSHIKO : Pilgrim, she's a part of it. JACK : That proves it then. No choice. It's time Suzie came back. INT. THE HUB - MORTURARY Jack enters the mortuary and walks over to the freezer that contains Suzie. He pulls it open and unzips part of the body bag, pausing before he pulls back the covering to reveal Suzie's face. CUT TO : AUTOPSY ROOM The team stand in the autopsy room, ready to resurrect Suzie, whose body lies on the table. Gwen puts on the Risen Mitten. GWEN : Do we all get frozen, Torchwood staff, when we die ? Do we all get kept ? JACK : Rules and regulations. GWEN : How long for ? JACK : Forever. TOSHIKO : Recording... OWEN : You got your stopwatch ? IANTO : Always... TOSHIKO : I'll record from my station, I'm sorry but I don't want to look her in the eye. Sorry... Toshiko leaves quickly to work at her station. JACK : Anyone else ? Jack glances around, finally looking at Owen who cannot meet his eye. GWEN : Any advice ? Yeah I know, empathy; even though she did try and kill me. JACK : You and me both. Gwen looks at him remembering then Gwen places the glove behind Suzie's head. Gwen sees a flashback of what the night Suzie died. OWEN : I'm getting a reading... uh no it's gone. Jack puts her hair behind her ear and looks at her, he looks concerned. GWEN : Just memories, nothing living, she is too far gone. TOSHIKO : What do we do now ? JACK : Nothing we can do. That's it, we're out of options. OWEN : There's always the knife. When she killed all those people she always used the knife, it's made out of the same metal as the glove. TOSHIKO : We've seen it before, metallic resonance. Like the glove works better if the knife is part of the process, like closing a circuit. GWEN : Let's use it. JACK : Small detail, the knife was used to kill people. She's already dead. GWEN : Alright so we kill her again. INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE Jack gets out the knife. OWEN : Ianto... Ianto thinks for a moment, serious. IANTO : Life knife. The others acknowledge the new name in silence. INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM Jack cuts Suzie's arm. JACK : Anything ? GWEN : No, there was just a sort of spark and then it was gone. I'm sorry Jack you're going to have to do it properly. JACK : What the hell. He stabs her in the centre of her chest leaving the knife in. Gwen suddenly feels it working, Suzie wakes up. JACK : Suzie listen, just look, look around you, look at where you are. Think, think. Try to remember. Suzie. Suzie look at me. SUZIE : Jack. Oh my god, there's a knife in my chest. Did you kill me ? JACK : You killed yourself, remember ? SUZIE : Oh my god, I, I shot myself. JACK : We gotta ask you about pilgrim. SUZIE : No. Wait a minute, didn't I kill you ? JACK : Never mind that we need names and details. SUZIE : Who's using the glove ? GWEN : Sorry... SUZIE : Oh I might have known, Gwen bloody Cooper ! IANTO : 30 seconds. JACK : When you were in pilgrim you gave the amnesia pill to a man, Max. Do you remember ? SUZIE : What ? You brought me all the way back just for max ? JACK : We need to find him. Who is he ? What's his surname ? SUZIE : He was just some... looser. OWEN : We're losing her. GWEN : Stay here damn you ! JACK : Don't force it Gwen. GWEN : She's not getting away this time, stay here. No ! She is forced to let go from pain and she collapses to the floor. JACK : I told you to stop. OWEN : It's alright, I got her. Okay, pulse... Yeah she's alright. We need to get her out of here. Can you come and give me a hand. JACK : It's the glove. I told you they get hooked ! OWEN : Alright, don't make a fuss, it's over now. IANTO : Erm, excuse me... I'm still counting. OWEN : Well there's not much point, Suzie's dead. IANTO : No according to your equipment she's just unconscious. JACK : What the hell's going on ? Owen gets up and goes over to his computer. Jack stays with Gwen. OWEN : Oh my god, he's right... she's alive. Suzie's still alive, look, and she's bloody breathing ! JACK : She can't be. Pulls the knife out of her brutally. OWEN : No still breathing. No stopping her. She won't die. IANTO : One minute thirty and counting. INT. THE HUB. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY Suzie is in a wheelchair on one side of a desk. Jack and Gwen are coming down the stairs to talk to her. Pan around the room - a bloody gunshot wound is clearly visible in the back of Suzie's head. Jack sits down and puts the files on the desk. Toshiko and Owen are watching all this from the main hub. SUZIE : How long's it been ? JACK : Three months. SUZIE : Can't I die ? I just want to go. Suzie's head lolls to the side and her eyes are shut, very weak. The entry wound of the bullet is visible under her chin as she moves her head. SUZIE : Can't you leave me alone ? JACK : You seem to be stuck. Suzie opens her eyes and lifts her head. SUZIE : But, am I going to stay like this ? For how long ? GWEN : Don't know. SUZIE : Can I see my father ? JACK : No. GWEN : You wiped your records. We had no trace of him. SUZIE : So he doesn't even know that I'm dead ? GWEN : Well you're not any more. SUZIE : This is sick. JACK : You started it. Right now we've got an investigation underway. Pilgrim. You visited these Pilgrim meetings, gave an amnesia pill to someone called Max. How do we find him ? Jack lays out pictures of the members of pilgrim, Suzie doesn't look. SUZIE : What for ? What did he do ? He was just an ordinary bloke. JACK : We think the retcon triggered a psychosis. He's started killing. SUZIE : How many victims ? GWEN : Three, same as you. OWEN : (Over com) We need to know, how much retcon did you give him ? SUZIE : Owen, hello, scared to face me ? OWEN : You frighten the sh1t out of me, yeah. SUZIE : (Over com) What about Toshiko, she still here ? OWEN : Yeah she's here. All the gang. Happy days. The amnesia pills, how many did you give him ? SUZIE : One a week, every week for two years. OWEN : Christ no wonder... JACK : What the hell did you do that for ? SUZIE : I wanted someone to talk to. About this place. It was driving me mad. He was just, he listened that's all, he just listened. Every week as soon as I'd finished talking I'd give him the pill. JACK : You overdosed him. SUZIE : I didn't know that. Keep getting it wrong don't I ? Is that why you brought me back, did you think I wasn't guilty enough ? JACK : What was his surname ? SUZIE : I dunno. All I ever did was talk about me. All my fault isn't it ? It never bloody stops being my fault. Can't you just let me die ? JACK : You don't get off that easy. SUZIE : Yeah you did warn me right at the beginning. You said this was the one job you can never quit. JACK : Then let's get to work. Come on Suzie. Just like the old days, there's gotta be something. Suzie looks at the pictures on the table, carefully. SUZIE : Now hold on, there's someone missing. This girl came every week, student, blonde; she's not in these photos. JACK : Who was she ? SUZIE : Lucy, Lucy McKenzie. Said she worked at a club... JACK : Which one... Suzie starts to fall asleep, she looks very tired. JACK : Come on Suzie, which club ? For gods sakes this Max is killing every single member of Pilgrim, now tell me, Lucy McKenzie, where did she work ? Which club ? SUZIE : The Wolf... The Wolf bar. Gwen leaves the room. INT. THE WOLF BAR Torchwood enter. It is a rock club and music is playing loudly crowds of people dance. JACK : Cover the exits. GWEN : Bloody 'ell. Like I didn't have a banging headache already. INTERCUT WITH : In the hub, over the com with Toshiko, they're watching footage of them in the club from camera on each of Torchwood member in the club. SUZIE : That's the glove Gwen, gets inside your mind. GWEN : Yeah alright Suzie, stop creeping me out. Just tell us, any sign of Max, or this Lucy McKenzie ? SUZIE : Nothing yet. Keep moving round. JACK : Keep alert people. To repeat : Max is described in his forties, six three, six four. Stocky, short dark hair, tattoos on his left arm. Owen looks around at the people in the club - lots of them have tattoos. OWEN : Narrows it down. SUZIE : You can't even look at me, can you ? Not like you to be so judgemental... TOSHIKO : Not like you to run a murder spree. Alright, so it drives us mad this job, god knows I've done some stupid stuff, but now I've got to keep on working everyday in a job that's got a bit less honour, because of you. OWEN : Right, I got a match on that guy. JACK : Where is he ? OWEN : North west bar. SUZIE : Show me. Owen turns to face the man. SUZIE : Owen get in closer, which one do you mean ? OWEN : Wait... wait, I've got a match on our girl. Lucy McKenzie the student. SUZIE : That's her, that's definitely her. OWEN : Too late he's going over... Owen jumps on the man and wrestles him to the ground. SUZIE : That isn't him ! Jack and Gwen have come over to see who Owen has found. A man suddenly comes up behind Gwen. He is holding a knife in his hand and is about to stab her. SUZIE : Gwen behind you ! Gwen moves, Jack rushes in and pulls him aside and onto the ground and uses a stun gun. SUZIE : That's him ! JACK : That one's for Ianto, Risen Mitten, Life Knife and that old classic, Stun Gun. Come on, let's get him out of here. Everyone is the club is staring. GWEN : (To Suzie, over the com) You saved my life. SUZIE : Maybe I came back for a reason. INT. THE HUB CELLS - LATER Max is in a cell, Owen and Jack are talking in the corridor, watching Max. OWEN : Your name is Max Trisillian. Can you confirm that ? You live at 106 Endeavour Terrace, is that right ? Parents Sandra and Dave ? Yeah. You're inside the Torchwood facility. Max gets up and starts banging on the glass ferociously. OWEN : And five, six, keep watching, as soon as you reach ten. Just stops dead. If this is a drug induced psychosis, it's a very specific one. JACK : Like he reacts to the word... Torchwood. Max gets up again and bangs at the glass. OWEN : Thanks Jack. JACK : Sorry. Jack looks at Max who is still bearing at the glass. JACK : But if that is caused by retcon then we've got a million more problems on the way. Max stops again. JACK : Let me know what the scan says. OWEN : What about Suzie, what you gonna do with her ? JACK : No idea. What do you think ? OWEN : You're the boss. Jack nods and turns to leave. JACK : Torchwood ! Max bangs on the cell wall as they leave. INT. THE HUB - INTERROGATION ROOM Gwen is sitting with Suzie. SUZIE : Can't you ask Jack ? Just one favour, I want to see my father. GWEN : Tell us where he is, we could bring him in. SUZIE : I'm not letting him anywhere near Torchwood. If he's still alive. GWEN : What's wrong with him ? SUZIE : Cancer. All that waiting and then I go and die first. GWEN : I could contact him on your behalf. SUZIE : And say what ? The pause while they drink, stalling the slightly uncomfortable conversation. SUZIE : So tell me, what's it been like since I've been gone, you enjoying it ? GWEN : Yeah, well you know this place it's, it's mad isn't it ? SUZIE : Insane ! GWEN : Bloody nuts ! SUZIE : Best job I ever had... GWEN : Me too. SUZIE : And the worst ! GWEN : Yeah, tell me about it. SUZIE : Funny thing is, you always imagine that when you're dead, oh they're going to miss me at work. Indispensable. And look what happened, I got replaced, by someone better. You got that glove working better than I did. GWEN : I just got lucky. SUZIE : No, it's more than that. The others they prefer you. GWEN : Don't say that. SUZIE : You got my job, almost like you planned it. GWEN : Except I didn't and I'm sorry but I've got my own function at Torchwood, and I'm a lot more than just a replacement. SUZIE : Have you slept with Owen ? Gwen pauses then nods slightly. SUZIE : There you go, replaced me completely. INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE Gwen storms into Jack's office. Jack sits behind his desk. JACK : I had a boyfriend who used to walk into rooms like that, the grand entrance. Got kinda boring, though he was one of twins so I put it up with it. Twin acrobats. Man I gotta right that book, maybe even illustrate it. I can talk for a long time, a very long time. GWEN : Takes me a while to piece things together. JACK : Meaning ? GWEN : Suzie had the glove. You put her in charge of it. But tell me Jack did you ever ask about her father ? JACK : How do you mean ? GWEN : He's got cancer. He's been dying slowly now for years, and what do you do ? You give her the one thing that brings people back to life. Is it any wonder she got obsessed ? JACK : Oh so this is all my fault ? GWEN : Well isn't it ? Did you ever stop and think. Did you ever look at Suzie ? Did you ever think what that glove would do to her ? Did you ? JACK : Right from the start, you thought Suzie's death was because of you. Cos it happened when you arrived, then you brought her back to life... all the way, because you wanted it so much, okay ? We're both responsible ! Now what the hell are we going to do with her ? GWEN : I don't know. What if she never dies ? Have you thought of that ? Like undying forever, just you and her. JACK : No way. GWEN : Could be... JACK : I wouldn't wish that on her, I'd sooner kill her right now. GWEN : Could you though, kill her ? JACK : Yeah. GWEN : Really ? JACK : Oh yeah ! OWEN : (On com) Jack, can you come to the conference room for a sec, something I need you to see, kind of urgent. Jack leaves, Gwen remains in his office. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE HUB - CONFERENCE ROOM OWEN : I was going over Suzie and Gwen's medical records I ran them through the Fillmore filter. Watch the difference. They watch Gwen bring back Mark on the screen energy flows from Gwen into Mark. OWEN : This is the moment when Gwen brought back Mark Briscoe, the husband. See ? Now look at his death. The energy flow has stopped just as he's about to die. But, have a look at Gwen with Suzie. The energy running between Gwen and Suzie is significantly greater than between Gwen and Mark, and it does not stop. TOSHIKO : Whoa, what is that ? OWEN : Energy, life. But with Suzie it's a permanent connection and she is getting stronger and it's still going right now, she is draining the life out of Gwen. JACK : There's always a price. INT. THE HUB - INTERROGATION ROOM Gwen brings Suzie some biscuits and tea on a tray. SUZIE : More coffee, is that all you do ? Just leave me alone. GWEN : Have a biscuit at least. Go on. Just for me. Gwen lifts the plate of biscuits up to reveal a note that says, Road trip ? Suzie looks up at her. INT. THE HUB - COJNFERENCE ROOM JACK : The owner of the glove can bring back someone's life but loses their own life in return. TOSHIKO : But how do we stop her ? JACK : We gotta kill her. Suzie's gotta die. TOSHIKO : Again ? OWEN : Who's gonna do it ? JACK : Like you said, I'm the boss. He takes out his gun and leaves the room. INT. THE HUB - INTERROGATION ROOM Jack enters the interrogation room and sees that Suzie and Gwen have gone. JACK : (Into com) Toshiko, where the hell's Suzie and where the hell's Gwen ? TOSHIKO : (Over com) Interrogation room. JACK : No they're not. Find them fast. EXT. CAR PARK Gwen pushes Suzie in a wheelchair through a quiet car park. INT. THE HUB Toshiko scans the hub on her computer, Jack and Owen stand near her. TOSHIKO : I can't see them, hold on. Scanning... OWEN : What's going on, where've they gone ? TOSHIKO : Nothing on internal scan. JACK : Just keep looking, bring up the SUV. Toshiko brings up CCTV covering the SUV. TOSHIKO : Still there. I'll try exteriors. What about Gwen's car ? They see her getting in the car with Suzie. OWEN : What's she doing ? JACK : Getting herself fired. OWEN : How stupid is that, thinking they could just drive off ? JACK : Come on, let's go get them. The lights go out and all the doors in the hub slam shut. JACK : What the hell ? Ianto ! Ianto ! IANTO : Captain ! Ianto walks over to jack next to the water tower carrying a torch - already prepared like a boy scout. JACK : What's happened ? IANTO : But I thought you must've done it. We've gone into lockdown. JACK : Then reverse it. IANTO : I can't. It's 100%, the doors are sealed, we're locked in. EXT. CAR PARK Gwen enters her car, Suzie is already in the passanger seat. GWEN : I'm taking you to see your dad and that's it ok. Sorry. I must be mad. Jack's not stupid, he's gonna catch us. SUZIE : You never know, we might get lucky. Gwen drives out of the car park. INT. THE HUB TOSHIKO : Everything's gone, computers, mobile coverage, lifts... everything. We're sealed in. JACK : How long does Gwen have before she dies ? OWEN : Two hours, maybe less. TOSHIKO : Think, if Suzie set up the lock down, how did she do it ? OWEN : Entered an override ? TOSHIKO : No she's officially dead. The computer wouldn't give her access. JACK : Then how did she do it ? What the hell did she do ? INTERCUT WITH : Gwen's car travelling away from Cardiff. TOSHIKO : There's got to be an answer. Suzie couldn't physically start the lockdown. Programme wouldn't have let her, but there's no one else. JACK : Wait a minute we've got a guest ! INT. THE HUB - CELLS Jack and Owen run down to the cell block, Max is reciting a poem over and over again. MAX : ...and immortality / because I could not stop for death / he kindly stopped for me... OWEN : Is that a poem ? JACK : I wonder - Emily Dickinson. OWEN : Then what does it mean ? JACK : It's a verbal trigger. Say it out loud and maybe repeat it a hundred times over and the hub locks down. OWEN : If that's part of the system then Suzie must have installed a vocal command programme way back... JACK : Back when she was alive, yeah. Max is just a Trojan horse. Suzie planned this right from the start. They leave the cells, Max still reciting the poem. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's car still travelling. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE HUB JACK : You see : Max, the retcon, everything... it's all been a hoax to get us to resurrect Suzie. OWEN : She gave Max a whole complex of subconscious triggers ? TOSHIKO : Like she dies, Max becomes a time bomb. She disappears for three months and wham the orders kick in ! He follows Suzie's program and starts killing. JACK : And the whole chain of events forces us to bring Suzie back. TOSHIKO : Then she escapes. OWEN : You gotta admit, that is not bad, I'm picking her for my team. TOSHIKO : If she could lockdown the hub she must have installed a way of reversing it just in case. JACK : Yeah... INT. GWEN'S CAR - NIGHT Gwen and Suzie are on the road in the car. GWEN : Bit more colour in your cheeks. SUZIE : It's all thanks to you. That night, my last night on earth... so I thought, before I shot myself I shot Jack right through the head. I killed him. Stone dead, and then he just stood up and lived. Am I right ? Did that happen? Gwen ? GWEN : Yes it did. SUZIE : So he can survive a bullet through the head ? GWEN : Yeah. SUZIE : How ? GWEN : I dunno. He wouldn't explain it properly. He said something happened to him a while back and he said... he said he can't die. Not ever. SUZIE : And he makes judgements about whether I'm allowed to live. It's all very easy for Captain Jack isn't it ? Do you ever wonder... ? GWEN : What ? SUZIE : Who is he? GWEN : All the time. INT. THE HUB - WATER TOWER Ianto standing next to the water tower holds up his phone. IANTO : I've got reception sir. JACK : How did you do that ? We're sealed off. IANTO : Just used the water tower as a relay. Jack looks up, then takes the phone from Ianto, smiling, impressed. He walks over to Toshiko's station. JACK : Nice work Ianto... but who the hell do we phone ? INT. POLICE OFFICE A phone rings in a busy, open plan police station office. PC : Detective Swanson... SWANSON : Who is it ? PC : Torchwood. Swanson takes the phone and answers it. SWANSON : Better not be wasting my time ! INTERCUT WITH : Jack on the phone in the hub. JACK : As a matter of fact I was wondering if you do us a favour. SWANSON : What the humble police helping the mighty Torchwood, why don't you help yourselves like you normally do ? JACK : Because we can't. SWANSON : Why's that ? JACK : We're sorta... busy. SWANSON : Well I'm busy too, try someone else. Swanson starts to hang up. JACK : No, no, no, no, no ! It's just because we, we can't at the moment because we're, sort of... stuck... SWANSON : In what way ? JACK : We're locked in. SWANSON : You're locked in. JACK : Just a bit... SWANSON : Locked in where ? JACK : Umm... in our own base. SWANSON : You're locked inside yer own base ? JACK : And it's not funny. Swanson gestures to a colleague to join her and laughs. SWANSON : And how am I supposed to help you exactly ? JACK : We need a book of poetry. It's not funny. INT. GWEN'S CAR GWEN : Oh god, driving at night. Gwen yawns, pale and exhausted. She turns on the radio. SUZIE : Oh my god. GWEN : I dunno this one. SUZIE : Oh it's ancient... My mum used to sing this, when I was kid... all those years ago. Before I died... Suzie appears upset and Gwen keeps driving in silence, uncomfortable. INT. POLICE OFFICE A crowd of plain clothed police workers stand around Swanson's desk laughing. She has put the call onto speaker phone. SWANSON : Alright Captain Jack, just say that one more time. Nice and clear... INTERCUT WITH : Jack still on the phone in the hub. JACK : We're locked in our base and we can't get out. Ok you've had your fun. Now listen, Detective Swanson, one of our team is in danger. SWANSON : Alright you lot, back to work. Swanson opens a paper bag and pulls out a book : the complete poems of Emily Dickinson. SWANSON : Ok, got it, the complete poems, it only cost me twenty quid. JACK : And what does the book say ? SWANSON : I dunno what am I supposed to do ? JACK : Find 'I Could Not Stop For Death', read out the next verse. SWANSON : What if it doesn't work ? JACK : Read out the whole book. SWANSON : It's gonna be a long night. Swanson passes a mug over her desk to a colleague. INT. GWEN'S CAR SUZIE : Tired ? GWEN : I'm fine... SUZIE : Don't want you falling asleep at the wheel. One corpse is enough for this car thanks... GWEN : Don't say that. SUZIE : What ? GWEN : Corpse, cos your not. SUZIE : Well what am I then ? GWEN : I dunno. You're just not though. When you're dead, I mean when you die... what happens ? SUZIE : What do you want me to say ? GWEN : The truth. SUZIE : Really ? GWEN : Tell me. SUZIE : You religious, or... GWEN : Just sort of, in passing you know... SUZIE : Do you believe in heaven ? GWEN : I dunno... SUZIE : Yes you do, what do you believe ? GWEN : Stupid but, I always sort of think... like you know, white light and all that and I think of my gran and she'll be there, waiting for me. The smell of carbolic... SUZIE : Your faith never left primary school. GWEN : So what's up there ? SUZIE : Nothing. Just nothing. GWEN : But... but if there's nothing what's the point of it all ? SUZIE : This is, driving through the dark, all this stupid tiny stuff. We're just animals howling in the night, 'cause it's better than silence. I used to think about Torchwood, all those aliens coming to earth, what the hell for ? But it's just instinct. They come here 'cause there's life, that's all. Moths around a flame creatures clinging together in the cold. GWEN : So when you die it, it's just... SUZIE : Darkness. GWEN : And you're all alone there's no one else ? SUZIE : I didn't say that. GWEN : What'd you mean ? SUZIE : Why do you think I'm so desperate to come back ? There's something out there, in the dark, and it's moving. INT. THE HUB Jack is still on the phone to the detective. They're now reading out lines from the book to see if it will reverse the lockdown. JACK : 'Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell'. No, try another... SWANSON : 'Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed'. Christ she was a bundle of laughs ! JACK : 'Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed'. No... TOSHIKO : Wait a minute, just had a thought, if words cause the lockdown, maybe numbers reverse it. Try the ISBN, every book's got a different number. JACK : You getting this ? SWANSON : Yeah , hang on, I'm looking. Toshiko positions her hands over the keyboard, preparing to type in the ISBN. TOSHIKO : Read it out. JACK : The keyboards aren't working. TOSHIKO : But the membrane underneath might just recognize the code. SWANSON : Okay, got it. ISBN... JACK : 019... SWANSON : 8600... JACK : 585... The lights come back on. JACK : That's it ! Everybody move, move, move ! Cathy, Thank you. SWANSON : Pleasure. Jack hangs up the phone. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR Gwen is pushing Suzie along the hospital corridor towards a patients room. INT. THE HUB Back in the hub Toshiko is instructing Jack and Owen who are on the road in the SUV. TOSHIKO : Ok I've got the tracker on Gwen's car. It's a hospital, giving you the co-ordinates now. JACK : On the way. How long's she got ? OWEN : It's only a guess but I'd give Gwen about, 40 minutes. JACK : (Over com to Swanson) Cathy I need the road ahead clear, I'm going to break the speed limit big time ! SWANSON : (Over police radio) All units give Torchwood priority, repeat, give Torchwood priority. INT. HOSPITAL - PRIVATE ROOM Suzie and Gwen enter the patient's room. A man is lying on the bed, asleep. Gwen wheels Suzie's wheelchair up to the end of the bed and then goes over to close the door. GWEN : Suzie, I don't err... I don't... I'm not... ahhh my god ! This headache it's.... Gwen leans against the wall in pain. She touches the back of her head and is horrified to see that she has blood on her hands. GWEN : What's happening to me ? SUZIE : Sorry Gwen. Suzie removes her headscarf. SUZIE : You're getting shot in the head... slowly, and believe me it hurts. She touches the underside of her chin where she shot herself, there is barely a mark there now. SUZIE : Almost better. Completely gone soon... GWEN : No... No... No! Gwen sinks to the floor in pain. Suzie gets up out of the wheelchair and goes over to the bed, ignoring Gwen's cries of pain. SUZIE : Dad... It's me dad... Wake up ! Dad, it's Suzie... Suzie's dad opens his eyes and looks terrified when he sees Suzie. SUZIE : Hello Dad... Suzie pulls the respirator from his mouth, and he starts to splutter, unable to breath. SUZIE : Goodbye ! GWEN : What're you doing ? SUZIE : That's worth coming back for. Sending him to the dark ! Just what the bstrd deserves ! You see Suzie wheeling Gwen in the wheelchair down the corridor of the hospital. Gwen reaches out for someone but Suzie puts her arm back on her leg. Gwen looks totally white and really in pain. INT. THE HUB Toshiko is in the hub directing Jack and Owen in the SUV over the com. INTERCUT WITH : Jack and Owen in the SUV. And INTERCUT WITH : Gwen and Suzie in Gwen's car, Suzie driving, Gwen sitting in the passenger seat, near death. TOSHIKO : (Over com) They're moving again. I can't predict a specific destination, not yet. JACK : Keep feeding it through, we're catching up. Jack's phone rings, he transfers to the new call. JACK : Hello ? SUZIE : Did you like poem Jack ? JACK : Suzie don't let her die ! The glove is killing Gwen and keeping you alive ! SUZIE : I know. JACK : Then stop ! SUZIE : But I get to live, why would I stop ? JACK : For Gwen's sake ! SUZIE : But she replaced me, and now I'm doing the same to her. Isn't that fair ? JACK : Suzie we've got a tracker on that car. We're going to catch up. I promise. SUZIE : And what happens then ? JACK : If she's dead, then I'm going to kill you, Suzie Costello. I promise. I'm going to kill you for the last and final time. SUZIE : But would you ? When there's a part of her that's now me. Could you do that, if I'm the only thing left of her ? JACK : Why are you doing this ? SUZIE : Because life is all, Jack. You should know ! I'd do anything to stay, anything. JACK : Suzie, please, just stop. SUZIE : She's a real find this one. Gwen Cooper. She's better than me, she's so much better. I was never any good ! Jack I'm sorry. She hangs up crying. JACK : Suzie ! TOSHIKO : (Over com) Jack she's heading for the coast line on the B57, a place called Hedley Point, there's some sort of ferry, goes out to the islands. Get a move on ! Morning is starting to break. JACK : Owen, how long we got ? OWEN : Minutes... EXT. HEDLEY QUAY Gwen's car pulls onto the dock. Suzie gets out. Dawn has broken and Suzie looks down the long, single lane pathway to the pier while helping Gwen from the car. SUZIE : Beautiful Gwen. Can you see ? Suzie gets Gwen out of the car. Suzie put's Gwen's arm over her shoulders and they walk towards the ferry landing. SUZIE : We'll take the ferry go out as far as we can, keep on running, cos he won't hurt us, we'll keep on going, you and me. The SUV pulls onto the pier. Further down towards the ferry landing Suzie is unable to hold Gwen up any longer - she is dying. She puts Gwen onto the floor and rolls her onto her back. SUZIE : I'm sorry, have you gone ? Gwen ? Gwen blinks very slightly. Jack and Owen get out of the SUV, unable to drive past Gwen's car. SUZIE : Can you hear me ? Gwen ? Jack and Owen run towards Suzie and Gwen, guns drawn and ready to use. SUZIE : Poor Gwen Cooper, safe journey. Suzie kisses Gwen's forehead and then runs to the end of the pier. Owen stops when he reaches Gwen and checks her life signs. Jack continues to follow Suzie, when they reach the end of the path Jack aims at Suzie who has nowhere left to run. JACK : Let her go ! SUZIE : I can't ! JACK : Let Gwen go ! SUZIE : I can't ! JACK : Owen, how is she ? Owen ! Report ! OWEN : I think we're too late. JACK : If I kill you does she live ? SUZIE : But you can't Jack 'cause, look at me, I'm the last thing left of Gwen Cooper, can't you see it ? Just the smallest bit of her ! JACK : Not one bit ! He shoots her. Suzie falls to the ground. JACK : Owen, anything ? OWEN : Nothing. JACK : But I broke the connection ! Suzie opens her eyes and looks at Jack, smiling. JACK : I killed you ! SUZIE : But I can't die... Jack shoots her twice more. SUZIE : Never gonna die... JACK : How much more of this do you want ? Blood seeps from the wounds in Suzie's torso, Jack shoots her again. Suzie rolls over and laughs. SUZIE : It's all your fault Jack ! You recruited me ! JACK : (Over com to Toshiko) The glove ! Tosh destroy the glove, it's keeping them connected ! INTERCUT WITH : Toshiko and Ianto in the hub. TOSHIKO : Ianto, armourments ! Code 5 ! Jack shoots Suzie again to keep her on the ground. SUZIE : Captain, my captain. Do you want to know a secret ? Ianto opens the safe in Jack's office and throws the Risen Mitten to Toshiko. SUZIE : Something moving in the dark, and it's coming, Jack Harkness. It's coming for you ! Toshiko shoots the Risen Mitten, destroying it. Suzie draws a final breath and dies as the connection is broken. Gwen takes a deep breath - resurrected. OWEN : Whoa ! It's ok, it's ok... relax... The police arrive and run towards them. Owen keeps a hold of Gwen and she starts breathing normally as Owen clutches her to him. Jack holsters his gun and stands looking down at Suzie's body. INT. THE HUB - DAY Gwen sits with Toshiko and Owen. Jack enters the hub and Gwen smiles at him. Jack leaves the room and goes down to the mortuary. INT. THE HUB - MORTURARY Suzie's body lies in a body bag on her freezer drawer. Ianto stands to one side of the drawer with a clipboard, completing the paperwork. Jack stands on the other side of Suzie's body. JACK : Thanks for doing this. IANTO : Part of my job, sir. JACK : No, I should be doing it but... Jack leans back on the freezer doors, sighing - more death. JACK : One day we're gonna run out of space. Ianto keeps writing, then looks at Jack. IANTO : If you're interested I've still got that stopwatch. Jack looks at him curiously. JACK : So ? IANTO : Well think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch... Jack smiles cheekily at Ianto, catching on. JACK : Oh yeah. I can think of a few... IANTO : There's quite a list. JACK : I'll send the others home early, see you in my office in 10... Ianto starts the stopwatch as Jack speaks. IANTO : That's ten minutes and counting. Jack starts to walk back to the central hub. IANTO : Oh Jack... what do you want me to say on the death certificate ? JACK : Good question... IANTO : She had quite a few deaths in the end. JACK : I dunno... death by Torchwood. IANTO : I'll put a lock on the door, just in case she goes walking again... JACK : Nah, no chance of that. The resurrection days are over, thank God. Jack begins to walk away again. IANTO : Oh I wouldn't be too sure, that's the thing about gloves Sir. They come in pairs. Jack turns to look at him and then continues walking away. CLOSING CREDITS. Indira Varma - Suzie Costello / Yasmin Bannerman - Swanson / Daniel llewellyn-Williams - Alex Arwyn / Gary Pillai - Mark Brisco / Shend - Max / Badi Uzzaman - Suzie's father	Plan: A: Torchwood; Q: What is linked to a series of brutal murders around the city? A: Pilgrim; Q: What is the name of the group that wants Torchwood's attention? A: a figure; Q: What is Pilgrim connected to from Torchwood's past? A: Suzie; Q: Who do Jack and the team have to bring back? Summary: Torchwood is linked to a series of brutal murders around the city. As Jack and the team investigate, it becomes clear somebody wants their attention. What is Pilgrim - and how is it connected to a figure from Torchwood's past? The resurrection days are far from over. They have no choice but to bring back Suzie.
[ Ocean - A long time ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (A boat is trapped inside a storm. In a cabin, a queen is looking for a pencil. She writes a note. Her husband comes in.) Adgar: What are you doing?! Gerda: I have to finish this. Adgar: My dear, no. The vessel... It's going down. We have to abandon ship. Gerda: They have to know. We might not make it home, but this could. (On the deck.) Adgar: Are you sure we're doing the right thing? Gerda: Yes. Anna and Elsa must know the truth. It's the only thing that will save them. (The boat sinks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Five years after their parent's death, Anna and Elsa put flowers on their parent's graves.) Elsa: Anna, they would be so proud of you. Anna: Both of us, Elsa. Elsa: Now, come on. I have a surprise for you. Anna: Really? Because surprises tend to be hit or miss in this family. Elsa: This one you'll like. I promise. It's for your wedding. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa goes out from the barn. She explores the area. She finds the sign of Storybrooke.) Elsa: "Storybrooke" [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is going out from Granny's Diner. Emma follows her.) Emma: Regina... Regina: Not now, Swan. Emma: I'm sorry. When I brought Marian back, I didn't know who she was. I didn't intend to cause you pain. Regina: Well, your intentions really don't matter. Because once again, I've felt the brunt of heroism. Always the villain... Even when I'm not. Emma: What was I supposed to do? Regina: Well, you were dumb enough to travel through time. Maybe you should have left things well enough alone. Emma: I am not gonna apologize for saving someone's life. Regina: She was to die anyway. What did it matter? Emma: What mattered was she was a person. And... Whatever she did, she didn't deserve to die. Regina: Well, maybe she did. Emma: Well, you would know. I saved her from you. Regina: The woman who did that, that was the person I was, not the person I am. I worked very hard to build a future... A future that's now gone. Emma: You don't know that. Regina: Well, I know it's complicated enough that his dead wife is back. Emma: Regina, for that, I'm sorry. If there's anything I can do to help... Regina: Swan... The more you try to help... The worse my life becomes. (Robin, Marian and Roland join Emma and Regina.) Robin: Marian, please, meets her. She's not at all what you think. Regina... I-I want you to meet Marian. I... I want us to talk about this. Marian: Wait, were you two... Are you two together? Robin: Marian, please. Marian: You and the Evil Queen? Did you let her near my son? Do you know what she's done? The terror that she's inflicted? (Mary Margaret and David come.) Mary Margaret: Is everything okay? David: Well, no one's been incinerated yet, so that's a good sign. Mary Margaret: Regina, you all right? Marian: What... What is wrong with you people? W-why are you talking to her? Don't you know who she is? Henry: Mom, what's going on? Marian: She's a monster. Emma: No, she's... Regina... (Regina leaves.) Hook: Uh, no good has ever come of pushing that woman. Give her space. David: Yeah, but it's what she does in that space I'm worried about. Henry: You don't think she'll become evil again. She can't. She's come too far. Emma: I hope you're right, kid. [SCENE_BREAK] (Walter drives Leroy's car.) Leroy: Well, that party went south fast. Easy, Walter. Easy. She needs to be treated gently. Walter: You made me designated driver. I'm gonna drive how I like. Leroy: No beer is worth this. Really? Radio station shuts down after dark now? (Walter falls asleep.) Leroy: Sleepy! [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is walking when she hears a noise. Leroy's car is about to crash her when she uses her powers to stop it.) Leroy: Aah! [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is walking in the middle of Storybrooke's streets. She was afraid of a motorcycle. She starts to lose control.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa leads Anna to an attic.) Anna: You have to tell me! No, don't tell me. Um... A horse and carriage! No, a horse couldn't get up stairs. It's a snow palace, an indoor ice rink. The whole wedding will be on ice. It's an... Attic. Elsa: It is indeed. Anna: So, we're here because...? Elsa: Take a look. (Elsa opens a wardrobe. There is a wedding dress inside.) Anna: Is that... Elsa: Mother's. Yes. Anna: You found it. Elsa: Go on. Anna: I don't want to rip it. Elsa: Then you'll have to put it on carefully. Anna: You want me to wear it? Of course you want me to wear it. Why else would we be here? Elsa: It's missing something. Hmm. There. (Elsa gives a necklace to her sister.) Elsa: Something new to go with something borrowed. Anna: It's gorgeous! I mean enchanting. I mean I love you! Elsa: You're very welcome. Now, shall we see it with the dress? Anna: Mm! Whoop. It's so beautiful and soft. You know I'm gonna spill something it. Maybe only clear beverages at the wedding. Elsa: So, about the wedding... Tell me I don't have to walk down the aisle with Sven? Anna: He's not the best man... But he is invited. Elsa: And now is where you tell me you're joking. Anna: He's going to be properly attired... For a reindeer. Elsa: I'm sure he will be. I am actually a little bit more concerned with the groom. Anna: Elsa, he knows what to wear. It's not like he grew up in a barn. Fine. Yes. H-he lived in one for a while, but he grew up with trolls. Wait until you see him. He even cut his hair. He's going to look wonderful. Elsa: That would be a most-welcome surprise. (Elsa opens a drop-leaf desk. She finds her mother's diary. She is upset, snow appears.) Anna: Elsa, what's wrong? What is that? A diary? Elsa: Mother's. Emma: What's in there? Elsa: Our parents... Their death. It's all my fault. (Elsa runs away.) Anna: Elsa. Elsa! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold and Belle are in their car.) Belle: Hey. It's okay. You can... You can do this. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold visits his son's grave.) Mr Gold: My boy. Remember when you were small, there was a night, during the ogre's war? There was a terrible noise. It was horses' hooves thundering down the dusty path. You crawled into my bed, and I can still hear your little voice. "Papa. I'm afraid. And I guess by instinct, I just said, "don't you worry, son. Everything's gonna be fine." And you smiled at me. (You know, that was the happiest moment of my life because for the first time ever, I felt like a man, that I could truly look after you, alone. Until I discovered... This. It turned me into a monster, obsessed with power, when all I really needed was you, your love. And now, through Belle, there's love in my life again. And once more, I've started it with a lie. She thinks she has the real dagger. I only lied to her in order to avenge your death. And now that I've done so, I really need the strength to give it back, be that man I should be, the man you died for. And I pledge, Baelfire, I will be that man. Your heroism... Has shown me the way. I promise. I'll spend my life repaying you for that.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Robin knocks on Regina's door.) Robin: Hello, Regina. Regina: Robin? Hook: Can I have a moment? I want to talk. I'm sorry. Regina: Why are you sorry? Everything Marian said was true. I am a monster. Robin: The woman I know is the furthest thing from a monster. Regina: Maybe you don't know me as well as you think. Robin: I know you better 'cause you're like me. I was once, long ago, quite different, but I changed. And I left my past in the past, where it belongs, as you have. Regina: So, what went on between us... Robin: Was real. Yes. My feelings for you were... Are real. But Marian is my wife. I loved her, and I made a vow... "Until death do us part," and it did. And then it didn't. But my vow remains. Regina: So, you made your choice. Robin: I may be a thief, but I have a code, and I have to live by that code. Otherwise, what kind of life am I living? I hope you can look into your heart and understand. (Robin leaves Regina's office. She loses control and uses her powers to break a mirror. She takes a piece and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is at the hospital. She walks downstairs until Sydney's cell.) Sydney: What are you doing here? Regina: I need my mirror. Sydney: For what, my queen? Regina: There's someone standing in the way of my happiness. I need your help getting rid of them. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold drives in Storybrooke.) Belle: There. Right around the bend. I, uh... I found it on a morning hike. It must have come over in the last curse. No one's claimed it, so I thought... There'd be no harm if we borrowed it for our honeymoon. [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the manor.) Belle: You know, I wonder who this belonged to. Come on. Take a look around. It is spectacular. You can see the ocean from nearly every room. (Mr Gold freezes Belle. He gives her the real dagger.) Mr Gold: If we're gonna do this... We're gonna do it properly. Belle: You haven't even seen the best part yet. Come on. Is everything okay? Mr Gold: Yeah. It's just whoever this place belonged to... Has interesting taste. (They enter in a library.) Belle: Come on. So... What do you think? Mr Gold: Well, I think we've been married almost a full day, and I don't believe we've had our first dance. (Mr Gold uses his powers to start the music, to light the candle and to dress Belle and him with a beautiful dress and a suit.) Mr Gold: Care to dance... Mrs. Gold? Belle: I would love to. (They dance.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The charming family is walking in the street.) David: I don't know. Maybe we should have gone with Baelfire. Henry: She hasn't answered any of your calls? Emma: Uh, sorry, kid. Looks like Regina does not want to be disturbed. But that doesn't mean that she's... Doing anything... Henry: Evil? I know. I just... Let me try calling her. Maybe, you know, it's you she doesn't want to hear from. Emma: You might have a point, kid. Mary Margaret: I hope for his sake she doesn't give in to what she sometimes gives in to. Emma: Seems to be handling it well. Mary Margaret: I mean, between losing and regaining his memories, seeing both of his moms with new men. Emma: Uh, speaking of that... Mary Margaret: He doesn't know about you and Hook? Emma: There is no me and Hook. Mary Margaret: Mm. Emma: Okay, well, I don't know what there is, but I certainly can't talk to Henry if I don't know what I'm talking about. Hook: Swan. Emma: Speaking of. Hook: Mausoleum's all clear. Regina's not hiding there. Emma: Thanks. Hook: Swan, are you avoiding me? Emma: Will you give us a minute? (Emma and Hook go apart.) Emma: I'm not avoiding you. I'm just... Dealing with stuff. We have a crisis right now. Hook: There is always a crisis. Perhaps you should consider living your life during them. Otherwise, you might miss it. Leroy: We're under attack! We're under attack! Emma: Okay, Leroy, what is it? Leroy: We were just driving home, and some thing blasted me with magic. The whole van's iced over. We woke up in a meat locker. Who's got that kind of magic? Emma: Maybe the person who made that. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is hiding into the woods. Anna gets to her.) Anna: Elsa. Elsa. Elsa: Please. I want to be alone. Elsa: You have a sister. You're never gonna be alone... Other than when I'm not around. But even then, I'll be there in spirit. But that doesn't matter because I'm here now and you're not alone. And you know what I mean? And it's a nice thing. What was in the diary? You can tell me anything. Elsa: Turns out our parents didn't go off on some diplomatic mission like everyone thought. That was just a cover. Anna: For what? Elsa: Read it. Anna: "I wish I didn't have to hide the truth from our children, but the truth would be too painful. What we've seen from Elsa is terrifying, and it has to be stopped." Elsa: They were scared of me. That's why they left... because they thought I was a monster. (No, no. I-I-I won't believe it. I refuse to believe it.) Elsa: It's all right there. Anna: Is it? Because it doesn't say where they were going or what they were doing. It could be a misunderstanding. Elsa: Anna, because of me, they left. Because of me, they can't walk you down the aisle tomorrow. I'm so sorry. Anna: You don't have to be. It's not your fault. You're not a monster. I don't think so, this whole kingdom doesn't think so, and for sure, our parents didn't think so. And I will prove it. This diary is only part of the story. Elsa: How do you know that? Anna: Because... Instinct? Okay. Right. That's not enough. But there are more answers out there about what happened to them... I know it. And I know who can help us find them. Elsa: Who? Anna: My future in-laws. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook are following the ice tracks in the street to a warehouse. Elsa is hiding and because she is afraid she makes a big snowman to defend her.) Hook: All right, that's a new one. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna and Elsa get to the Trolls) Elsa: We shouldn't be here. Anna: Oh, they're practically family. Elsa: I meant you need to be planning your wedding. Anna: It's tomorrow. If there's still planning to do, I've horribly miscalculated. Elsa: You need to rest. It's a special day. You should enjoy it. Anna: I can't if my sister's upset. Grand Pabbie? I know you're here. Why aren't you showing yourself? Grand Pabbie? (Grand Pabbie rolls to Anna and Elsa.) Grand Pabbie: Oh, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Anna: And when have we ever been traditional? Grand Pabbie: What's wrong? Something happen? You have second thoughts? He won't smell like that forever. Anna: No. No. This isn't about Kristoff. It's about our parents. What were they really doing on that voyage? Grand Pabbie: I'm sorry. I don't know. Elsa: Thank you. Come on. Let's go. Grand Pabbie: Wait. I may not know what they were doing, but I know where they were going. Days before their journey, your parents stopped by to say they were not going to the northern Isles. And they had a few questions about a land called Misthaven. Elsa: What did they want there? Grand Pabbie: They never said. They, like many of us, had their secrets. Oh, I need my beauty sleep. Anna: We have an answer. Elsa: No, we have more questions. Anna: We have one answer and more questions. That's a start. We have to go to Misthaven. Elsa: No, I can't just... Leave. I'm still queen. I can't abandon the kingdom. Anna: You're just making excuses. Elsa: Have you forgotten your last dalliance... Hans? He and his 12 angry brothers are out there waiting to pounce at the first moment of weakness. Anna: Okay, good excuses, but still... Let me go alone. Give me two weeks. Misthaven is a short journey. Two weeks, and I'll be right back. Elsa: That's just what mother and father said. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The snowman is threatening Emma and Hook.) Emma: We don't want to pick a fight. Hook: Swan... Emma: I just want to see what it wants. (The snowman blows away Emma. She falls on Hook. Her gun shoots the snowman. It attacks. Emma and Hook run away. The snowman follows them.) Leroy: Evil snowman!! Run!! [SCENE_BREAK] (In the warehouse, Elsa picks up a newspaper.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street.) Emma: I think the noise is scaring it. It's headed for the forest. [SCENE_BREAK] (In Regina's vault.) Regina: Her name is Marian. Thanks to Emma, she's back and recapturing that... Happy ending this book gave her. Sydney: The book gave it to her? Regina: It's powerful. It's more than just a book. What happens inside it appears immutable. But I'm stronger. We're going to change things. Sydney: How? Regina: She needs to be removed. Sydney: Ah, that's where I come into this... Your murderous arm. I knew there was a reason that you kept me in that prison for all those years, waiting till I could be of service. I knew you hadn't forgot about me. Regina: Right. Sydney: How do you want me to kill her? Regina: I don't want you to do anything of the sort. If she shows up dead, how long do you think it would take before someone figured out I put you up to it? This requires a more elegant touch. I have to undo Emma's mistake. I have to go back in time before Emma arrived and kill Marian before she can be saved. Sydney: What I don't get is my purpose in all this? Regina: Well, as queen, I sentenced many to death, captured many prisoners. Sydney: You don't remember this Marian. Regina: Well, she's awfully vanilla. Can you blame me? I need you to show me the exact moment I captured her so I know when to travel back to. Sydney: But how am I supposed to do that? In this world, I'm no longer the mirror with... (Regina puts Sydney back inside the mirror.) Regina: Now you are. Sydney: No!! No!! No!! Regina: Relax. It's just temporary. Sydney: No!! Regina: Now help me. Sydney: Yes, your majesty. Regina: Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me who I want to kill most of all. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Marian is questioned by the Queen.) Marian: Your majesty, no! Regina: Where is Snow White? She thinks silence is bravery, not stupidity. She dies tomorrow. Hurry her along. The stench of peasant is overwhelming. Marian: I feel sorry for you. Regina: Do you? Marian: If you had a family of your own, if you had love, you'd know you shouldn't do this. You wouldn't have to be so cruel. Regina: Don't you tell me what I do or don't understand. I know who I am and what I want. And right now... It's your head on a spike. Marian: You're a monster! You're a monster! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina's vault.) Sydney: Was that what you were looking for? Regina: Exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] (The people of Storybrooke are running away from the snowman. Elsa takes her chance to go to Mr Gold's shop.) Leroy: There's a monster on the loose! A monster! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is in the stable, she is looking for Anna.) Elsa: Kristoff. Where's Anna? Don't be coy. Answer me. Kristoff: Easy, Sven. She can't help being bossy. Elsa: I'm not bossy, I'm the queen. Kristoff: Isn't that the queen's job, bossing people around? Elsa: Don't change the subject, Kristoff. Where's Anna? Kristoff: Isn't she in the palace? Elsa: If she were, would I be here? Kristoff: Uh, u-um... She had some... Errands to run. Um, we need more... Frosting... For the cake. Yeah, she was concerned we weren't' gonna have enough. I tried to tell her it'd be fine, but what could I do? Brides perfectionists. Elsa: Frosting... There is no frosting. Kristoff: Exactly. She's taking care of that. Elsa: No, I mean that's a lie. Talk, reindeer man. What is going on here? Kristoff: Wedding details. I'm just making sure... Elsa: That she wasn't followed. You're trying to delay me. Kristoff: Do you want to see the floral arrangements? Elsa: Where did she go, Kristoff? Misthaven? Kristoff: Okay, yes, But she's doing it for you. Elsa: When? Kristoff: She booked passage on a ship that's set to leave... Well, any moment now. Look, I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to lie. I was just trying to help. Shh. Sven, I'm trying to apologize here, okay? All right, all right, Sven, I'm going. Elsa, wait! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook and David are running into the woods towards Robin's Hook camp.) Robin: What is it? David: Some kind of... Snow monster. Robin: No monster shall cross our path. We'll give you our assist... Hook: It's getting closer. It's coming from the north. (The snowman arrives.) Little John: There! Emma: No, no, no! Don't shoot! Hook: It only attacks when it feels threatened. Pistol, sword... Hook, my cunning wit... I don't think we have what it takes. David: Emma does. Emma: What? Hook: Your magic, love. Emma: Right. Hook: You can do this. (Emma shoots the snow man with light magic.) Emma: Take that, frosty. (The snowman become more threatening) Emma: Really? (The snowman defeats Emma, David, Hook and Robin. Marian takes an arrow and shoots it. The snowman attacks and she collapses. Regina comes.) Marian: Please... Help me. Please. (Regina disappears.) Marian: No. (Regina destroys the snowman.) Marian: You saved me. (They wake up.) Robin: Marian! Regina. Are you all right? Marian: Yes. Maybe you're not a monster. Regina: Maybe I'm not. Welcome to Storybrooke, Marian. Emma: Regina, we've been trying to find you. We need to talk about... (Regina disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma makes a snowball and cast it away. Hook comes to talk to her.) Hook: So, crisis averted. Emma: Now you want to go home and see what's on Netflix? Hook: I don't know what that is, but sure. Emma: Killian, someone created that... Snowman. This isn't over. Hook: It never is. All the more reason to enjoy the quiet moments, and right now... We have a quiet moment. Emma: I know. I just got to do something. Hook: Right. Of course. Go ahead. Don't tell me you're not avoiding me anymore because I'm actually quite perceptive, and this... This is avoiding me. Emma: No, I know. I am. I just feel... Right now, I just feel too guilty. Hook: Over Regina? Emma: She lost someone she really cares for because of me. Hook: No, there's more to this than just Regina, isn't there? (Emma kisses Hook.) Emma: Be patient. Hook: I have all the time in the world. Unless... Another monster appears and kills me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is outside Regina's office. She tries to open the door but it's closed.) Emma: Regina. I know you're in there. I can see the light's on. I know this is all... Complicated, but you can have happiness. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you just have to fight. Okay, if you won't, I will. Henry brought me to Storybrooke to bring back the happy endings. My job's not done until I do that for everyone, including you. (Emma leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina takes Henry's book.) Regina: Mirror. Mirror? Sidney! Sidney: Y-yes, your majesty. What can I do for you? Regina: You can help me change fate. Sidney: I can probably tell you if you're wearing too much eye makeup, but change fate? That is beyond my powers of reflection. Regina: Your powers and mine together shall do it. This book is why I'm suffering, not Marian. Every story in it has one thing in common... The villains never get the happy ending, and it's always been right. I thought not being the villain would change things, but this book, these stories... Only see me one way. Sidney: So, what's your plan? Regina: Find the writer. We must find out who wrote this cursed Tome and then force them to give me what I deserve. It's time to change the book. It's time for villains to get their happy endings. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is sleeping. Mr Gold takes his dagger and uses it on a box. A magic hat appears.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa enters in Mr Gold's shop. She sees the necklace that she gave Anna.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is on the dock. Kristoff follows her.) Kristoff: Elsa! Wait! It's too late. Elsa: We have to go after her. Kristoff: No. Elsa: Are you really saying "no" to your queen? Kristoff: I'm saying no to my future sister. In-law. For good reason. We both love Anna. We both know her. She will be fine. Elsa: She didn't have to do this alone. Kristoff: Yes, she did. You told Anna and you're right... You're the queen. We all remember well what happened the last time you left. Elsa: Why didn't you go with her? Kristoff: She didn't want me to. She thought I was needed here. Elsa: For what? Kristoff: She didn't want you to be alone. She'll be fine. I believe in her. You should too. Because she doesn't give up on the people she loves. And she always succeeds. Elsa: She also sometimes acts before she thinks. This place could be dangerous. What do we even know about this... Misthaven? How have I never heard of it? Kristoff: You might know it better by what the inhabitants call it. Elsa: What's that? Kristoff: The Enchanted Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna is on a boat to the Enchanted Forest.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Mr Gold's shop.) Elsa: Don't worry, Anna. I will find you.	Plan: A: A Tale of Two Sisters; Q: What was the title of the season premiere episode of Frozen? A: a scared and confused Elsa; Q: Who finds herself in Storybrooke? A: the intentions; Q: What does Elsa fear about the residents of Storybrooke? A: a powerful snow monster; Q: What does Elsa create for protection in the season premiere? A: Robin Hood's wife; Q: Who is Marian? A: Regina; Q: Who wonders if Marian's return will end her happily ever after? A: Mr. Gold; Q: Who finds an intriguing object on their honeymoon? A: Belle; Q: Who does Mr. Gold question giving control over the dagger that makes him The Dark One? A: Hook; Q: Who is dismayed to discover that Emma is avoiding him? A: Emma; Q: Who is responsible for Marian's return to Storybrooke? A: Arendelle; Q: Where was Anna's wedding to Kristoff? A: Anna; Q: Who wants to finish their quest to find what they were looking for? A: their parents; Q: Who died on a ship during a violent storm? A: a mysterious destination; Q: Where were Elsa's parents headed when they died? A: Ice; Q: What power does Elsa have that she can't control? A: their journey; Q: What does Anna want to finish to find out what their parents were looking for? Summary: In the season premiere episode, "A Tale of Two Sisters," a scared and confused Elsa finds herself in Storybrooke and, fearful of the intentions of its residents, creates a powerful snow monster for protection. With Robin Hood's wife, Marian, back in the picture, Regina wonders if her "happily ever after" with the former thief has been completely quashed; while on their honeymoon, Mr. Gold finds an intriguing object that makes him question whether or not he should officially give Belle control over the dagger that makes him The Dark One, and Hook is dismayed to discover that Emma seems to be avoiding him while she tries to help comfort Regina after being the one responsible for bringing Marian back from the past and into Storybrooke. Meanwhile, in Arendelle of the past, as Elsa's sister Anna's wedding to Kristoff nears, Anna discovers that their parents - who died on-ship during a violent storm - were heading to a mysterious destination in a quest that may have held the secret to containing Elsa's out of control Ice powers. And against Elsa's wishes, Anna wants to finish their journey to find out what they were looking for.
Dwight: Where is my desk? Jim: That is weird. Dwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. Jim: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk. Dwight: I didn't lose my desk. Jim: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? Dwight: Okay, who moved my desk? Jim: I think you should retrace your steps. Dwight: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished! Jim: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot. Dwight: [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Jim: [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model. Dwight: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times. Jim: I know. Dwight: It's by the ream? Jim: Uh, yeah, ream. Dwight: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%. Jim: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work. Dwight: Wash your hands, Kevin. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second... Dwight: [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai... Jim: Umm... Dwight: Dwight... Jim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks. Dwight: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai. Jim: Was that your mom? Dwight: No, that was my Sensei. Jim: Oh, I thought it was your mom. Dwight: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei. Jim: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool. Dwight: Assistant Sensei. Jim: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I don't want to stay until seven again this year. Pam: I don't really have any control over that Stanley. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day. Ryan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason? Michael: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information. Ryan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office] Michael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin. Pam: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign. Michael: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. Pam: It's just last year you... Michael: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam? Pam: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier. Michael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is. Ryan: Updating emergency contacts. Pam: Well, is that really a priority? Michael: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. Ryan: Catch-22. Michael: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Uh, Larissa Halpert. Ryan: What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings] Jim: 117 Mount Bergin St. Ryan: Hello? Michael: [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland. Ryan: Do you mean Neverland? Michael: This is Tito. Ryan: What? Michael: Calling from... [Ryan hangs up] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks. Jim: You making this up as you go along, aren't you? Pam: I am just following the website. Jim: Well, at least I don't have cavities. Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth. Jim: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings] Kevin: Stacy. Ryan: [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up] Michael: [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up. Ryan: Hello? Michael: [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist? Dwight: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me. Jim: No I'm not. Dwight: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you. Jim: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this[/b]: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight's purple belt] Dwight: Ok, give that back to me. Jim: Ok, say please. Dwight: No. That is not a toy. Jim: Please? Dwight: Please? Jim: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou. Dwight: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. Pam: Could you practice on the forms? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No women or children, unless provoked. Jim: Ok, Roy? Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Jim: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael? Michael: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen. Dwight: Because we're friends. Michael: Because I would kick his ass. Jim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so... Michael: So? I've beaten up black belts. Jim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts? Michael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Is your wife still your contact? Toby: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now. Ryan: 'Kay. Toby: You don't need to write 'ex'. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. Jim: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right? Michael: You were a Jet? Angela: Have you signed the expense reports yet? Michael: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. Dwight: Argggg! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Just hit me. You'll see. Jim: I can't. I just got a manicure. Michael: Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it. Jim: Just have Dwight punch you. Michael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass. Jim: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls? Dwight: What belt are they? Michael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... Dwight: No! Michael: ... he cried at the end of it. He did. Dwight: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight. Michael: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid? Dwight: Ok, I'll punch you. Michael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on. Dwight: Kiyah! Michael: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright? Michael: Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael. Pam: I don't know. Jim: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips. Pam: French Onion? Jim: Obviously. Pam: Ok. Jim: Yes. Dwight: [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it. Michael: [Pam knocks on his door] Go away. Pam: I just have a quick question. Michael: I haven't signed them, ok? Pam: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car? Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. Pam: He's a purple belt. That's really high. Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. Pam: It's just out there, you... Michael: Oh, so that's what they are saying? Pam: Yeah. Michael: Ok, alright, where is Dwight? Jim: Uh, Kitchen. Michael: Ok. Kelly: Hi-yah! Dwight: Good. Kelly: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight. Dwight: Now watch, let me take you from behind. Kelly: What? Michael: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you. Dwight: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. Michael: No, Really? Dwight: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai. Michael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. Dwight: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go! Michael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches[/b]: me punching you and you hitting the floor. Dwight: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective. Michael: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Michael: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now. Jim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo? Michael: No, they must have class. Dwight: No, it's free during the day. It's fine. Michael: Look... Dwight: I've got the key. Toby: Michael... Michael: Hey, Toby. Toby: Any word on those time cards? Michael: I've got an idea[/b]: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. Ira: Uh, no, it's not. Michael: I think it is. A guy told me about that. Ira: Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. Michael: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting. Pam: What? Jim: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything. Pam: Well, look closer. Jim: [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok. Pam: Once point for me. Jim: [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up. Pam: Oh, you're dead. Jim: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now. Pam: Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey... [SCENE_BREAK] Ira: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright? Dwight: Yes, Sensei! Michael: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. Ira: Shi mate! Dwight: Hiii! [kicks Michael] Michael: Hey! Ira: Alright, break. Michael: What the hell was that? Dwight: Yes! Ira: Dwight - awarded a point. Michael: No. Dwight: Eat it! Michael: Alright, that's the way you want it. Dwight: Two more. Michael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. Kevin: Sweep the leg. Michael: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him. Dwight: No. Michael: I got his pants. Dwight: It was my pants. Ira: No points for pants. Michael: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight] Ira: Clean single kick, gentlemen. Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya. Ira: Ok, break. Break. Dwight: No holding. Michael: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie] Dwight: No, stop it! Come on! Michael. Michael: Open your mouth. Dwight: No, Michael! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!" [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for? Ryan: Fudge? Michael: [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott. Ryan: Ok, to what? Dwight: Just put "The Hospital." Contact number[/b]: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves] Michael: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Later Jim. Jim: Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend. Pam: Yeah, you too. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Knock at the door] Yeah. Ryan: I have the emergency contacts. Michael: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? Ryan: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably. Michael: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout. Ryan: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday. Michael: Alright, bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight? Angela: Michael, did you finish yet? Michael: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute? Dwight: I'm busy. Michael: Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time. Stanley: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday. Toby: We want to go home. Michael: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. Pam: The shipping place closes in a half hour. Michael: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gngbng this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: This is illegal. Stanley: I don't care. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? Dwight: Of course. Michael: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight: Michael, I don't know... Michael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it. Dwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office. Michael: No, no, title change only. Dwight: I'll have Pam send out a memo. Michael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now. Dwight: Just a formality. Michael: Absolutely but not really. Dwight: Michael, I have so much to learn from you. Michael: Yes you do. Dwight: Thank you, Sensei. Michael: And, ditto. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.	Plan: A: an argument; Q: What do Michael and Dwight get into about who could beat the other in a fight? A: a showdown; Q: What do Michael and Dwight decide to settle their argument by having? A: a local dojo; Q: Where do Michael and Dwight decide to have a showdown? A: a comedic fight; Q: What type of fight did Michael and Dwight have? A: two; Q: How many people are cold to each other throughout the day? A: Assistant Regional Manager; Q: What is Dwight promoted to after the fight? Summary: Michael and Dwight get in an argument about which of them could beat the other in a fight. They decide to settle this by having a showdown at a local dojo . After a comedic fight, Michael finally emerges victorious. The two are cold to each other throughout the day until, as a show of good faith, Michael promotes Dwight to Assistant Regional Manager.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Mary: I've come from the docks. The countess has our son on board. Boy: Why must I be baptized? Countess Marburg: So that you can be born again. More powerful than before, with me at your side. Cotton: And what is it you want from me? John: There's a boy. If we don't get the devil out of him, we're done. Mary: Go, John! Save him! Countess Marburg: I really must have the boy. Anne: Or else what? Countess Marburg: I will kill Cotton Mather. John: Where'd you take the boy? Cotton: He's with Anne. John: Anne Hale is a witch. Cotton: Why are you saying this utter nonsense?! See with my own eyes. Countess Marburg: You made the wise decision, dearest daughter. Sebastian: Your battle is over. John: [Grunts, groans] Mary: No! Countess Marburg: Ah, birth. Such terrible hard work. We're all born howling and then must rest. But what dark dreams of our new world flicker behind those perfect lids? Shall I give you a glimpse? For 2,000 years, they have tried and failed to build the kingdom of God here on earth. Now it is our turn. Under our dark lord's dominion, Salem will prosper and grow, becoming a mighty nation. And it all begins here, with this little boy. Mary: I had a dream, too, once. A dream of a new birth of freedom. But my sleep produced only a monster. Countess Marburg: A monster is but a God seen through fearful eyes. Wisdom comes with acceptance, my dear. Mary: I do accept. Oh, I accept that I have played my role in this tragedy all too well. Now I'm done. Countess Marburg: Hardly. Very little has been asked of you thus far. You should be honored to serve your son. Mary: I saw my son die in the crags... Watched as you drowned him. That... that cannot be my son. Countess Marburg: Your son was but an empty jar of Clay, worthless until filled. One day you will thank me for forcing your hand. Sebastian: When he wakes, Mary, you will feel differently. Mary: The world is a much darker place now that your light has grown as dim as the rest of ours. Countess Marburg: Oh, pay her no mind. In your place, she'd have done the same thing. Sebastian: Have patience. A mother's love will win out over her resistance. ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ I'm dreaming. I can't. My son. Mary. Shaman: John. [Horse neighs] [Door closes] [Clatter] Anne: You are alive. Cotton: Where is he? What have you done with the boy? Anne: Are you sure you want to know? A kind woman once told me that the problem with knowing things is you can never unknow them. Cotton: Yes. I must know everything. Anne: I traded his life for yours. Cotton: [Breathes sharply] [Screams] Now I see why I already burn in hell. Anne: You're not in hell, Cotton. You're here with me in Salem. Cotton: Is this not hell's new capital?! [Sighs] Anne: [Sobs] Cotton: So... You are a witch. Anne: I am. Cotton: And I suppose Mary Sibley made you one. Anne: Hardly... Though she offered a few signposts along the way. Anne: It was my father. And my mother... the Countess Marburg. Cotton: The countess? Your mother? Anne: Yes. But, Cotton... I'm still your Anne, the woman who loves you. Cotton: Oh. No. Witches are the very embodiment of evil. Anne: Cotton... Cotton: I thought you were the very embodiment of good. Anne: So why can't I use my power for good? To make the world a better, fairer place? Cotton: Because such powers come from the devil himself. No. Anne: Just give me a chance, husband... To show you what I can do. I've only ever used my power to protect myself... And you. I saved us that night in the woods when the militia stopped our carriage. They would have raped me and killed you, killed both of us, but I stopped them. Surely that was not an evil act. Cotton: A man died that night. I thought it divine judgment. Anne: It was not God's judgment... but mine. Cotton: Then it was murder. Anne: It was him or us. Cotton, where are you going? Cotton: To the magistrate. Anne: What? Cotton: I must tell him about the countess and the others... and that you killed that man. Anne: Cotton... I can't let you do that. Cotton: Goodbye, Anne. [Breathing shakily] [Door closes] [Door opens] Sebastian: He's awake now. [Door closes] Mary: What is it to me? Sebastian: That is up to you. What did you call it? Your love for your son? Unconditional? Then come. Prove it. Countess Marburg: Lie back, and I'll tell you a story. Now, once, in ancient Harraby, there was a little prince. The oldest wife was his favorite because she was the most beautiful and the most clever. Boy: [Gasps] M... m... mother! Mother. Mother, I've missed you. When I finally met my father, he was all the things you said he was. If only it could be the three of us... a family. Mary: That was... All I ever wanted. Boy: I need you... your songs... Your stories... Your kisses. I've never forgotten the sight of you lying on the damp forest ground... mouth agape in pain, legs strained wide in birth, and your eyes as black as the endless night where I dwelled. And I knew, at last, you were the one. Mary: I remember that night, too. Thank you for reminding me that you are not my son. You are his tomb. Boy: Mother! Countess Marburg: My love, forget about her. Well, she has done her duty. You have no further need of her. She has nothing to offer you. Boy: A true God wants true love. Now, who will give me that? Countess Marburg: I will. I do. My whole long life, I have loved no one else. Boy: That is very good of you, madam. But it is her love I must have. John: No, I can't do that. I said I would die in Salem. Countess Marburg: Where have you been? Your place is here. Until he has acknowledged you, you must await his blessing. Boy: Come to me, girl. Mercy: Me? Countess Marburg: Yes, of course you. On your knees. Lower your eyes. Boy: You brought me to the countess. And that is good. But you took me away from my true mother, and how can that go unpunished? Behold the hands. Without a word, they may threaten, plead, beckon, command... Or simply point. You used this finger well... pointed to all who would die for me. You even bit the tip off yourself, and the countess made it whole again. Mercy: [Screams] [Sobbing] Countess Marburg: Shh. Mercy: [Crying] Boy: This time, take care not to heal it entirely, lest the lesson be forgotten. Mercy: [Crying] Countess Marburg: Out. Boy: You. I know everything about you... every lie you ever told... Every subtle way you've turned one against another. Look at me. My good mother would never bear to see you live. Tituba: Oh, please, my lord. Boy: And with that kiss, I give you back your freedom. Use it to go as far from Salem as you're able. Now. Tituba: Thank you, my lord. Mercy: [Crying] You promised me. Countess Marburg: Promised you what, child? Mercy: To be my mother, to make me one of you, that I might marry Sebastian and become a princess. Countess Marburg: Your wishful mind promised you all those things. I promised you to return the beauty with which you were born and to make Mary Sibley feel your pain and beyond. Mercy: It's not enough. But what was Anne Hale doing in there? That spoiled, stupid Anne Hale. Countess Marburg: Anne Hale is my true and precious daughter. She is a real Marburg. Mercy: Since when? What has she ever done for you?! I... I have fetched those children for your bath. Countess Marburg: As a good servant must. Mercy: I am nobody's slave. Countess Marburg: Oh, that was an awful mistake. Mercy: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. It was a mistake. Countess Marburg: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Mercy: I'm so sorry. Countess Marburg: It's too late. Too late. See, trust is a very fragile thing. Trust is so easily broken and so impossible to rebuild. It's as fragile as flesh and bone. [Sizzling] Mercy: No. No. No, no, no, no. Please! I'm so sorry! I really am! No, please! Countess Marburg: Now get out! And if you are so powerful, heal yourself! If I see your ungrateful face again, I will peel it like an apple. And what shall we do first? How shall we conquer and rule? Boy: I truly love all you do for me. Countess Marburg: [Chuckles] Boy: But... you know, I really must have my mother beside me. Today my mother, but tomorrow my queen. She, and she alone, must one day be my bride. Countess Marburg: Hm. But... Boy: There can be only one royal marriage... One true consummation. You know it, and you must make it be. You understand? Countess Marburg: Yes. [Sighs] Boy: Then go. Countess Marburg: [Gasps] Boy: See to her. [SCENE_BREAK] [Wind gusting] [Birds cawing] [Wings flapping] [Bird caws] [Wind gusting] [Cawing continues] [Birds cawing] [Wings flapping] Tituba: [Screams] [Screaming] [Cawing continues] [Footsteps approaching] Countess Marburg: Why are you praying to God? He is blind and deaf... A senile watchmaker who long ago forgot about the creatures of mud he formed with his bored breath. Mary: A prayer doesn't have to be heard to be answered. Sometimes all that matters is the asking. Countess Marburg: No. The living miracle of your son is the only answer to any prayer. Now come. He wants you. Mary: No. A mother knows her son. Countess Marburg: And he will know you. You do not understand. You have never understood. The holy marriage of heaven and earth is wasted on an ignorant and ungrateful peasant girl! Mary: You want him. I do not. Be my guest. He's all yours. Countess Marburg: If only. But no. You were his father's whore, and now you will be his. Come along. Mary: He doesn't want you? All your lives longing for one who only wants me. [Laughs] How that must hurt. Countess Marburg: Shut up. Mary: I will. I'll shut us both up... in our meeting house... Every part of it built of the tallest, oldest trees that once stood right here. Even here, you are in the woods. My woods. Increase Mather was right. My fate is to burn for my sins, and I'm ready to start right now... For the pleasure of smelling you burning beside me. Countess Marburg: Stop it this instant, or I'll... Mary: What? You have nothing left to threaten me with. My son is gone, my love dead, my own life worthless to me. You're all out of threats. Go on, mighty water witch. Bring the rain. You can't, can you? You haven't the heart, haven't the tears. I wager that you've never cried once in all your lives. But you'll wish you had tears now, if only to quench the burn. Countess Marburg: No matter what happens to this body, you know I will survive to live again. Mary: But how long will that resurrection take? And what of all your plans? Do you remember how it felt the last time you burned? [Grunts] Sebastian: Well, little sister... welcome to the family. Anne: How long have you known about me? Sebastian: Always. Mother never ceased to tell me about her special one. [Indistinct shouting in distance] [Shouting continues] Man: Please, please get back. Sebastian: I believe the grown-ups are fighting. Anne: Aren't you gonna do something? Sebastian: I rather think that's up to you. Countess Marburg: Bitch! Mary: I will kill you. I will kill you. [Breathing heavily] [Grunts] Countess Marburg: Die! [Water hissing] Mary: No! Let me die! [Voice breaking] Let me die. Anne: I cannot, for the same reason you could not let me. There is no easy way out, Mary... for any of us. [Indistinct conversations] Girl: ♪ hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ ♪ if that mockingbird doesn't sing ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ [Sighs] [Singsongy voice] Don't cry. Mama's here. Mercy: Maybe your little angel's cold. Wrap her in this warm blanket. It will soothe your baby's cries. Come. It's all right. Come. Come. Girl: [Screams] [Muffled screaming] Mercy: Quiet, you. Girl: No! Mercy: Quiet! Quit your struggle, wretch. You have nothing to live for. I need your blood more than you do. I deserve it. Isaac: No! You will not take her blood. Get behind me, child. You leave this monster to me. Mercy: You have no right to stop me. I'm only taking what I've been promised, what I deserve. Isaac: You deserve? What does she deserve? What did my Dollie deserve? Mercy: Shall I tell you about Dollie? About how she wept and pleaded when I drained her? About how she looked as her heart blood rained down on my scorched flesh? Isaac: You killed her? Mercy: She was my Dollie doll, to do with as I pleased. Dollie: [Echoing] My dear Isaac. Isaac. Isaac: [Panting] Dollie: Isaac. Isaac: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it. That ain't Dollie. There will be no more of your foul magic here! Mercy: Who says so? Isaac: I do. This is my watch now. Mercy: Your watch, is it? Well, good luck to Salem, then... protected by sir Isaac the idiot. I still have friends in this town. I told them one night I'd call for them. Give me back the girl. Yes, run! There's plenty of other wretches for me. I won't be forgotten. I'm still here. A true queen. [Voice breaking] And I will rule. I will rule, if only in their nightmares. I will... I will rule. Sebastian: You have tried everything else. Why not try surrendering? Mary: [Scoffs] Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you? For me to just give in. Sebastian: No. Trust me, I learned long ago to surrender while yet holding firm inside. Keep going. Sometimes, you just keep going. Now collect yourself. I will take you to him. All is well. Given time, she will accept the way things are now. Countess Marburg: I'm very nearly impressed. But I have another thought now. I can see my mistake clearly. He should never even have seen her. We should have been rid of her before he awoke. All will be right when she is gone. Sebastian: Gone? Countess Marburg: Gone. And let this be an end to it. Sebastian: [Breathing shakily] Mother... Countess Marburg: Mary Sibley is finished. She must not be allowed to see another sunrise. And you must take care of it for me. Take her out to the woods and kill her. Sebastian: You go too far. If the boy finds out we killed his mother, he will destroy us. Countess Marburg: He will not know. Just do your part! Sebastian: As you wish. Countess Marburg: And bring me her blood. I should have bathed in it long ago, but we will rectify that mistake. And once she is gone... He will see that I'm the one. [Footsteps approaching] Cotton: It's almost painful. Despite everything I know about you... I can't help loving you. And so, I've decided. [Breathes deeply] We will find a way. [Chuckles] You must come away with me. Anne: I don't think I can. Cotton: Are you afraid of them? Afraid that they might murder me? I don't care. At least then you would be free. She would have nothing to hold over you. Anne: What if I don't want to? Cotton: Don't want to? Anne: You have no idea what it is like, Cotton, to be filled with ideas, with dreams, with visions of how things should be, and yet be utterly powerless to do anything about them. That is what it is to be a woman. Cotton: I don't understand. Anne: Of course you don't. You are a man. But I am no mere woman. I am a witch, and I can make a difference. Cotton: But, uh, didn't you hear what I said? I... I love you. Anne: If only you had loved me when I really needed you to, I might not have had to pledge myself. I might not have had to quicken your love with my first spell. Cotton: A spell? That is what you did to me. You have robbed us both with your witchery... Forfeited the one and only human freedom, to love... To have truly chosen to love! And for nothing... Because I did love you. I have loved you since almost the first we met. I just needed a little time. Anne: I didn't have time! [Sobs] You don't understand. You will someday. I had no choice... not then... And not now. [Rat squeaking] Cotton: What are you doing? Anne: I have to protect you. Cotton: [Grunts] [Whimpering] [Rat squeaking] [Gasping] Anne: Don't fight it, Cotton. Cotton: [Gagging] Anne: It will only hurt more. [Grunts] Cotton: [Muffled shouting] [Gagging] Anne: [Breathing shakily] Mary: So, this is the fate you urged me to surrender to? Thank you. I am ready to die. I really don't mind. Sebastian: But I do. [Blood trickling] Sebastian: That should do. Now Mother will taste your blood, bathe in it, and think it is done. But you still have just enough left if you are careful. Now, for as strong as you are, you will soon replenish it. You are free, my love. I chose to release you here for a reason. Just there. See that blood? It is not yours, but Captain John Alden's. He fled this way. You can see by the track of blood. Now follow it, and you will find him... most likely dead, but I know it is him you want. Mary: Why are you doing this? Sebastian: I, too, am capable of unconditional love. So go... without conditions. Someday, when you have buried your past and I have buried mine, we may yet meet again. [Hoofbeats departing] Mary: [Breathing heavily] John. John, it's me, your Mary. Let blood to love flow and quicken love's light. My love's life let grow as my soul takes flight. [Breathes heavily] [Gasps] John: [Sucking] Boy: Have you found my mother? Countess Marburg: I hardly know the words to tell you. I wanted to be sure first. Boy: What is it? Countess Marburg: She's gone. Boy: Gone? Countess Marburg: [Breathes sharply, sniffles] She was not strong enough. [Sniffles] Perhaps your sheer radiance, your power... The awesome privilege and responsibility of being your consort was too much for the poor thing. She threw herself from a high place, and the river carried her away. Oh. Pour your sorrow on my bosom. I am here for you... Always. [Gasps] Boy: How dare you try to kill my bride. Countess Marburg: [Gasps, moans weakly] No, lord. Not I. I... I love you! [Whimpers] [Screaming] [Whimpers] [Weakly] Sebastian. [Gasps] Sebastian. Help me. Help... [Gasps] [Breathes deeply] Sebastian: Someday, perhaps... But not today. Countess Marburg: [Wheezing] Sebastian: Good night, Mother. [Creaking] Woman: ♪ little baby, don't say a word ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ ♪ if that mockingbird won't sing ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ ♪ and if that diamond ring turns... ♪ John: [Gasps] [Coughs] Mary? Oh. Mary? No. [Sniffles, sobs] Mary. [Crying] I love you. Please don't go. I love you.	Plan: A: her mission; Q: What does the Countess Marburg believe she has accomplished? A: her plans; Q: What does the Countess Marburg revel in the completion of? A: desires; Q: What does the Dark Lord have to be with Mary instead of the Countess? A: Sebastian; Q: Who grows increasingly weary of the Countess's treatment? A: an unexpected act; Q: What does Sebastian do to show his defiance? A: an all-but-defeated Mary; Q: Who stages a last-ditch effort against the Countess to make them both burn? A: John; Q: Who is visited by the Indian chief and his daughter? A: the spiritual world; Q: Where does the Indian chief and his daughter offer John a place to go? A: Salem; Q: Where does Mercy wander after being left alone? A: their blood; Q: What does Mercy want from children? A: an unrepentant and increasingly powerful Anne; Q: Who faces the personal consequences of her actions in accepting she is Marburg's daughter? A: a dark path; Q: What path does Anne take after accepting she is Marburg's daughter? A: her sights; Q: What does Anne not want Cotton to leave? A: a startling confession; Q: What strengthens Cotton's resolve? A: George Sibley; Q: What was Cotton's fate like? Summary: With her mission seemingly accomplished, the Countess Marburg revels in the apparent completion of her plans, but the Dark Lord she dedicated herself to has desires to be with Mary instead. Sebastian grows increasingly weary of the Countess's treatment, leading to an unexpected act of defiance. Emotionally drained by recent events, an all-but-defeated Mary stages a last-ditch effort against the Countess to make them both burn. Meanwhile, John is visited by the Indian chief and his daughter and they offer a place for him in the spiritual world; Mercy is shattered by unsaid promises that have been broken, leaving her to wander Salem alone as she continues her life of luring children for their blood; an unrepentant and increasingly powerful Anne faces the personal consequences of her actions in accepting she is Marburg's daughter, leading her down to a dark path; and when Cotton learns Anne will not risk him leaving her sights, his reaction is initially mixed, until a startling confession strengthens his resolve. But Anne intends to keep him against his will, with his fate like that of George Sibley.
Produced by: Wendy Knoller Final check by Kim [Scene: Central Perk. Everybody's sitting on the couch and Monica is eating a chunk of cake.] Monica: (really excited) Mmh... this cake is amazing! Rachel: My God, get a room! Monica: I would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time! Phoebe: If you had to, what would you give up, food or sx? Monica: (with no hesitation) sx! Chandler: (looking at her) Seriously, answer faster! Monica: Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sx" I wasn't thinking about "sx with you"! Chandler: (to Phoebe) It's like a giant hug. Phoebe: Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sx or food? Ross: Food. Phoebe: Ok, how about... uhm... sx or dinosaurs? Ross: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice. Rachel: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sx or food? Joey: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard. Rachel: No, you gotta pick one! Joey: Oh... food. No, sx. Food! s*x! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are looking at some photos and they're sitting next to the window.] Rachel: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma. Phoebe: Oh, how cute! Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh, she looks just like a little doll! Rachel: Oh, no, no. That is a doll. Phoebe: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! (looking outside the window) Look, there's Chandler. (he's on the street, talking to a woman) Rachel: Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty. Phoebe: OH! He's having an affair. Rachel: He's not having an affair! Phoebe: You know, I'm always right about these things. Rachel: No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you! Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! (looking outside) See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her! Rachel: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. (she takes her mobile phone) Ok, duck down. (they both get down to hide themselves. Phoebe calls Chandler) Chandler: (picking up the phone) Hello. Phoebe: Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know that Monica is working today so...(back to Central Perk) ...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and Rachel. Chandler: Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day. Phoebe: (shocked) Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember". Chandler: Those are all really old! Phoebe: Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm... Rachel: (whispering) "Dude, Where's My Car?" Phoebe: (glancing at her) What? Rachel: They're in a caaar... Phoebe: (to Chandler at the phone) Okay, we-we'll talk to you later. Okay, bye. Rachel: Geez! Phoebe: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them. Rachel: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun. Phoebe: (patting her bag) I got them! [Scene: Monica's apartment. Chandler enters the door.] Chandler: Hi! Monica: Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes. Chandler: I was in the car with Nancy all day. Monica: Nancy doesn't smoke! Chandler: Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that! Monica: So? What do you think of the house? Chandler: It's perfect. It's everything we've been looking for. Monica: Isn't it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic? Chandler: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? (pause) What were the things you said? Monica: Don't you love the huge yard? Chandler: And the fireplace in the bedroom. Monica: And Nancy said that it's really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents! Chandler: This is bringing out a lovely color in you! Monica: So? Do you think we should get it? Chandler: I don't know. What do you think? Monica: I think we should. Chandler: I do too. Monica: This is huge! Chandler: I know. Monica: How bad you wanna smoke, right now. Chandler: I don't know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy's car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day. Monica: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this? Chandler: We don't. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing. Monica: Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so hard. Chandler: I know. Gooooood luck with it. [Scene: Joey's apartment. Everybody except Monica and Chandler is there.] Ross: I just can't see Chandler cheating! Rachel: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy! Joey: Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right. I just can't believe he would do this to Monica! Ross: I know, and with the baby coming? Phoebe: So, should we tell her? Ross: I don't know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you? Phoebe: Why? Who'd you seen him with? Ross: No one, I'm just saying if... (Phoebe starts pinching him in his neck) Phoebe: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! Ross: (yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike's a great guy, it was hypothetical! Phoebe: All right. (she releases him). He is a good guy. You're right, he wouldn't cheat. Ross: Believe me, if I did see with someone, there's no way I... (Phoebe starts pinching him again) Phoebe : WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH? [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica is cleaning with a vacuum and then she cleans it with a dust buster. The guys enter the room.] Rachel: Oh, look at her, so happy! Monica: If only there were a smaller one to clean this one! Joey: Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here? Monica: No, he's picking up dinner, why, what's up? Phoebe: Well, look, whatever happens, we're here for you and we love you. Monica (puzzled): All right... Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair. Monica: What? Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester. Phoebe: They went in together. So sorry. Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God that's awful! What did you think of the house? (they all look confused and sorry for her) Phoebe: What? Joey: (walking towards her to hold her and support her) Monica, you understand what we are saying, right? Monica: Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... (to the rest) Did you think the neighborhood was homey? (Chandler enters) Chandler: Hey! Joey: (to Chandler) You son of a bitch! Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here? Monica: (goes to Chandler) Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair. Rachel: Who's Nancy? Ross: What's going on? Monica: (turns to them) Ok, alright, you guys, you'd better sit down, this is pretty big. Chandler: Yeah (motions them to sit and they do) I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor. Joey: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!! Phoebe: Why do you have a realtor? Monica: Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city. Joey: (clearly shocked) What? Rachel: Are you serious? Monica: When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city. Phoebe: So you're gonna move? Ross: Oh my God. Joey: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?! Rachel: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it! Monica: And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset... Chandler: ...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by. Ross: (sarcastic) So you wanna buy a house in the 50's? Phoebe: Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door? Ross: You know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's okay. Joey: No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! (to Ross) I'm gonna thump you! (points his fist at him) Ross: (to Joey) It's ok, because they have to get it out of their system, okay (back to Mon and Chan), but you're going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be. (pause before Monica and Chandler speak, they look like they are looking for the right words) Chandler: Actually, we already found a house we love. Ross: What? Monica: And about an hour ago, we made an offer. (All the friends looked shocked and confused. There is a long silence.) Chandler: Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh? TIME LAPSE Ross: You put an offer on a house? Monica: (smiling) It's so sweet. It really is. It has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then there's these old maple trees... (gets cut off) Phoebe: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers? Chandler: I know this is really hard and we're really sorry. Joey: Is this because I come over here without knocking and eat your food? (Walks towards the fridge) Because I can stop doing that, (looks at the fridge) I really, really think I can! Chandler: (goes towards Joey) You know that's not the reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back to where he was standing before) Monica: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. (Points to Rachel and Phoebe) It is beautiful, isn't it? Rachel: Yeah it is. Joey: What the hell are you doin'? Rachel: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live! Phoebe: Yeah, but so is this. Ross: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place? [We fade to some flashback scenes.] (from 1.01 - "The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate - The Pilot") Rachel: (talking on the phone) C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... (from 1.18 - "The One With All the Poker") Ross: That money is mine, Green! Rachel: You're fly is open, Geller! Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'! (from 1.07 - "The One With The Blackout") Phoebe: [looking outside the window] Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. [They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.] Rachel: Ow, that had to hurt! (from 3.09 - "The One With All the Football") Phoebe: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. The Guys: We will. (they don't move) Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles. Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. (Rachel sticks a marshmallow into Monica's nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.) Monica: Every year. (from 5.08 - "The One With the Thanksgiving Flashbacks") Joey: (he has a turkey on his head) It's stuck!!! Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on? Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler! Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! Joey: It smells really bad in here. Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass! (They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.) Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that? Joey: It's Joey. (from 4.12 - "The one With the Embryos") Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel: Oooohh that's interesting. Chandler: If you win, we give up the birds. Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.) Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey: Oooooh! Monica: Deal! TIME LAPSE Ross: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey: Big fat goalie. Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie... Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey: Weekend at Bernie's. Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? (They both confer) Joey: Everyday use. Chandler: Fancy. Joey: Guest. Chandler: Fancy guest. Ross: Two seconds... Joey: Uhh, 11! Ross: 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) Ross: (to the girls) Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? (The girls are stumped) Rachel: Ow...Oh Gosh! Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce-transpondster! Monica: That's not even a word! (Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.) Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! TIME LAPSE (The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph) Rachel: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong! Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross: Don't blame the questions! Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! [SCENE_BREAK] (from 5.15 - "The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey") Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window) Monica: (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro? (Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.) Ross: What the hell are doing?!! Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?! Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there! Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too. (There's a brief pause.) Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (from 6.06 - "The One On The Last Night") Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?" Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. Phoebe: Ok, you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I don't want to live with Rachel anymore. Monica and Rachel: What?! Phoebe: You're just so mean to each other! And I don't want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! Rachel: Well, Phoebe that's fine because I'm not moving. Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y'know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y'know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I'd like. Phoebe: What else? Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that. Phoebe: That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom. Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. Rachel: Well y'know, I don't want you to be cold. Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.) TIME LAPSE (Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel's old and now empty room.) Chandler: (entering) Hey. Monica: She really left. Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.) Monica: Thank you. Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.) Monica: Can I ask you a question? Chandler: Sure! Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.) (from 1.09 - "The One Where Underdog Gets Away") Chandler: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. All: That's so sweet. Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Rachel: And a crappy New Year. Chandler: Here, here! [Scene: We're back to the present. Chandler and Monica's. They're all still at the kitchen table.] Rachel: You can't move. You just... you just can't. Joey: Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong. Phoebe: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters. Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. (Joey pats Ross on his back) Rachel: Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and... (nods towards Ross) maybe close your blinds at night. (The phone rings and Chandler goes to get it) Chandler: Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer. Monica: And? (Chandler listens to what Nancy says) Chandler: (to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price. Monica: We can't afford that. Chandler: I know. Monica: Well, there you go. (Chandler and Monica hug) Joey: I'm really sorry you guys. Ross: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window. Rachel: Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone. Phoebe: (to Monica) You're gonna be okay? Monica: Yeah, we'll be okay. Ross: Love you guys. (he kisses Monica, he, Rachel and Phoebe leave.) Joey: You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before. Chandler: That's okay, we understand. Joey: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I? (Chandler gives Joey her business card, which he eagerly grabs and he leaves.) Monica: I know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much. Chandler: Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then. Monica: What? Chandler: We got the house. Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: I just didn't want to tell you in front of them. Monica: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !? Chandler: We're getting the house. (they hug) We're getting the house. Monica: And a baby... Chandler: We're growing up. Monica: We sure are. Chandler: So who's gonna tell them? Monica: (quickly) Not it! Chandler: Not it! Damn it! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.] Monica: Rachel, this is yours. Rachel: Aah! Why? What are these for? Chandler: You'll see. Monica: All right, everybody open them! (they all tear off the wrapping paper) Rachel: Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful. (she got a scarf) Phoebe: Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in the store. (she got earrings) Monica: I know. Ross: I love this. (he got a sweater) Joey: A meatball Sub? Thanks! (he got a meatball sandwich) Ross: Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are these for? Chandler: Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house. Monica: Enjoy! (they both run off, leaving Ross, Phoebe and Rachel stunned.) Joey: (speaking with his mouth full, enjoying his sandwich) What did they say?	Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who is Monica cheating on? A: a car; Q: What do Rachel and Phoebe see Chandler getting into with another woman? A: their questions; Q: What does Chandler dodge by pretending to be at work? A: the suburbs; Q: Where are Monica and Chandler looking to buy a house? A: their family; Q: What are Monica and Chandler looking to buy a house to raise? A: the woman; Q: Who is the realtor for Monica and Chandler? A: The group; Q: Who tries to convince Monica and Chandler to stay in the city? A: the past few years; Q: What do the group reminisce about? A: gifts; Q: What do Monica and Chandler give to the group after they tell them they are moving? Summary: Rachel and Phoebe see Chandler getting into a car with another woman. He dodges their questions by pretending to be at work but they follow him to the suburbs and find them entering a house. They believe he is cheating on Monica and tell Ross and Joey. The four of them tell Monica but Monica doesn't react the way they thought she would. It soon comes out they are looking to buy a house in the suburbs to raise their family (the woman having been their realtor). The group tries to convince them to stay in the city while reminiscing about the past few years. In the end Monica and Chandler get the house and tell everyone they are moving right after giving them gifts.
[Scene: P3. The place is full of people dancing. Phoebe and Piper are in the alcove. Piper is peeking around the curtain, looking at some guy. The guy is stAring back at her. Phoebe comes and stands next to her.] Phoebe: What's with the hide-and-go-peek? Piper: He's still stAring at me. Phoebe: Who? Piper: The guy at the end of the bar. (The guy smiles.) Phoebe: Oh, no, honey, that's not stAring, that's flirting. Piper: You say tomato. Phoebe: No, I say relaxo. (They sit back down.) He's pretty harmless. I mean, he's clean cut, innocent kind of guy that a girl could teach a few things to. Piper: Hello? A girl that's in a serious relationship. Besides, it's always the innocent looking ones you have to watch out for. (Prue walks in the alcove and sits down.) Prue: Hi, hey, alright, I need some professional help. Phoebe: No arguments here. Prue: Ha, cute. (to Piper) Uh, where is your DJ? Piper: Uh, he's on break. Why? What's going on? Prue: You know when you get a song stuck in your head and you can't seem to get it out? Phoebe: Yeah, tell me about it. I couldn't get The Facts of Life theme song out of my head for like three years. Prue: Alright, well, I have absolutely no idea what this one is and it's driving me crazy. And I thought that maybe your DJ might recognise it or something. Piper: How's it go? Prue: I'm not gonna sing it for you. Piper: Why not? Maybe we'll recognise it. Prue: Okay. (She hums something.) Anything? Piper: Nada. Phoebe: I'm thinking if you try it again with a little bit more oomph, you know, maybe some choreography, and Piper could back you up with some old-school beat box? Prue: Why did I know that I would not get any help out of you crazy people? (She walks away. Piper and Phoebe follow.) Piper: Oh, come on, wait a minute. Wait. We can't let you leave completely empty handed. (Piper hands Prue a card.) Prue: What is this? Phoebe: Well, it seems like you really reconnected with our friend Justin. He's inviting us to his big annual family barbecue. Piper: Sounds like fun. Prue: For who? I mean, you know, Justin and I are still in the flirtatious banter stage in the relationship. I think hanging out with the folks might put a dampener on it. Phoebe: Is that all? Prue: Yeah, what do you mean? Phoebe: I mean, are you sure it's not because it's a big family gathering? Prue: Okay, if you're gonna go with the "Prue's got parental issues" card, let me save you some time. Phoebe: Oh, Prue, it's not like we blame you. I mean, seeing complete connected families is hard on all of us, but we can't spend our lives avoiding what bothers us. Prue: The only thing bothering me right now is that I cannot get this stupid song out of my head, alright? So I really appreciate your concern, but you know what I would appreciate even more? Five minutes with your DJ. (Prue walks off humming the song.) [Scene: An ice-cream truck is driving down the street playing the same tune Prue was humming. It stops in an alley. A boy walks up to the window.] Ice Cream Man: Would you like some ice cream, little one? Boy: Yeah. (The ice cream man shows his face.) Ice Cream Man: You didn't say "please". (The boy gets sucked into the truck and screams on his way in.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Prue's room. She is asleep in bed. She is having a nightmare. In her nightmare you see a snowy playground. A child screams and yells "help me". The little girl runs through the playground over to her father. Prue's alarm wakes her up. It reads 7:00am.] [Time lapse. Porch. The door opens and Prue walks out. She picks up the newspaper. She looks around and hears a tune.] [Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe is there looking at some information on Cole on the laptop.] Phoebe: Come on, Cole. Talk to me. (Prue walks in.) Prue: Morning, sunshine. (Phoebe ignores her.) Prue: Okay, how about, uh, cloudy with a chance of showers? Phoebe: I'm sorry, did you say something? Prue: Nothing pressing. You pull an all-nighter again? Phoebe: Yeah, uh, subject matter's been elusive. (Phoebe gets an Instant Messenger on her laptop.) Prue: Caught by the bell. Who's the instant message from? (Phoebe closes the laptop.) Phoebe: Oh, it's nothing. Prue: Alright, well, nothing usually means something, and something usually means a boy, so... (Piper walks in.) Piper: Alright, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but what I've got is better... at least bizarrer. Prue: Bizarrer? Piper: Mmm hmm. Prue: Is that even a word, Piper? Piper: Whatever. Anyway, Cara called last night, and she had a meeting in the Bay Tech Building yesterday, and she swore that she saw Victor walking through the lobby. Phoebe: As in dad Victor? Piper: As in "we haven't spoken to him in a year, and now he's probably in town, and he hasn't even bothered to call us." Yes, that would be the one. Now you see my need to share? Phoebe: Oh, wait. But Cara hasn't seen him since what? Piper: Like the first grade, I know, but she sounded very sure. Why do you think he's here? Should we go and try to find him? I mean, what if it has nothing to do with us? Prue: Well, I for one am not going to go out of my way to find out. Phoebe: Wait, you're not even curious? Come on, Prue. I mean, he is our father. Prue: No. Like I said before, I've come to terms with our lack of parental involvement. You know, some people just weren't meant to have the Rockwellian Portrait, the house, the two car garage, the picket fence, the Golden Retriever, and the doting mum and dad. Piper: Okay, so we're not the typical family, but he is all we have, Prue. Prue: No, Piper, we have each other, okay? And we have other people that love us, too, and very full and busy lives. Speaking of which, I gotta dash. If you want to have lunch, I'll be up on Knob Hill in the park for doing a shoot, okay? Phoebe: Okay. Prue: Okay. Piper: Hey, can I walk you out? Prue: That would be so nice. (Prue and Piper leave the room. Phoebe opens the laptop back up.) [Scene: A building. Prue is stuck in a crowded elevator. She looks at her watch. She hears someone humming the tune. she looks around. The elevator door opens and a little girl walks out humming the tune.] Prue: Oh, excuse me. (She tries to get out but people get in the way. The door closes in her face.) [Scene: Bay Tech Building. Piper walks up to the receptionist's desk.] Piper: Hi. I'm, uh... you don't really care who I am, do you? I mean, everybody else is on lunch break, and you're stuck here fielding random questions from people who probably shouldn't even be asking them in the first place, because... Receptionist: Can I actually help you? Piper: Yeah, right. Um, I'd like to know which company Victor Bennett is with? (The receptionist types something on the computer.) Receptionist: He's not. Piper: Excuse me? Receptionist: Bennett comma Victor? He's not listed in any office in the building. (Piper pulls a picture out of her purse.) Piper: I, uh, I have a picture. It's about from a decade ago but have you seen him around? (The receptionist shakes her head.) Are you sure? Because I know that... (A man walks out of the elevator.) Dad? (The man turns around.) It's, uh, it's not you. (The man continues walking.) I'm sorry, I thought you were... I'm sorry. [Scene: Park. Prue and Phoebe are sitting on a bench eating lunch.] Prue: So, they say stick to what you know. So I pitched a piece about growing up in the city. Hopefully, it'll make the cover. Phoebe: You're dodging. Artfully, but it's still a dodge. Prue: Right, did you ever consider that maybe I just don't wanna go? Phoebe: It has nothing to do with the barbecue, or the guy that asked you to go with him. It has to do with dad. Prue: Why do you insist on pinning everything that I do on my feelings or lack thereof for our father? Phoebe: Prue, you say you're over it, but you say it so much that I have this feeling that the person you're trying to convince is yourself. And believe me, after what I went through with Cole, if anyone understands that, it's me. Prue: It's sort of not the same thing. Phoebe: Maybe it is. Prue: My feelings for our father are in the past which means it really has no place in the present. (A girl starts humming the tune.) Phoebe: So Justin gets penalised for it. Prue: There it is. Phoebe: What? Prue: That song. Don't you hear it? Somebody's humming it. (Prue runs over to a little girl and Phoebe follows.) Hi. Hey. I was wondering if you could tell me what that song is you're humming. (The girl points to an ice cream truck that drives by.) Phoebe: Okay, riddle solved. Now you can stop humming that stupid song. So I think we were in the middle of you trying to make a strong argument of why you're not gonna go to Justin's barbecue. (Prue continues to stare at the truck.) Prue, if you keep ignoring me, my feelings just might actually implode. (The girls runs off towards the truck.) Prue: It's cold out. Phoebe: Yeah, it's a little thing we like to call winter here. Prue: Why would a child want ice cream when it's this cold out, and the truck pulled up and no one budged, and did you notice? There are no parents. Phoebe: Okay, connect the dots for me, please? (Prue walks off.) Uh, preferably standing still. (Phoebe follows her.) Do you have a hankering for a snow cone? Prue, we're in the middle of a conversation, and considering your lunch hour ended, oh, five minutes ago, we should probably make this fast. Prue: Yeah, well, something's wrong. Phoebe: Yeah, I know that. Why don't you talk to me about it? Prue: Not with me, Phoebe, with this, alright? I have a total déjà vu coming on. Phoebe: Okay, so first you're humming weird songs, now you're having flashbacks? [Cut to the ice cream truck parked in an alley. The girl walks up to the window.] Girl: Hello? Ice Cream Man: Would you like some ice cream, little one? (Prue and Phoebe walk up to the truck. The girl starts to get sucked into the truck.) Prue: Alright, I mean, it's usually that my instinct is pretty much... (Prue and Phoebe grab her legs and pull her back out. The ice cream man pokes his head out the window. Prue, Phoebe and the girl get sucked into the truck.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Inside the ice cream truck. Prue and Phoebe are there in the snowy playground.] Prue: Uh, alright, where's the little girl? Phoebe: I don't know. I was holding onto her and then... Prue: We have to find her. Phoebe: Well, first we have to figure out where the hell we are. Prue: Well, I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say that we're not still in the ice cream truck. Phoebe: Or even worse, we are still in the ice cream truck. (They hear children in the distance.) Phoebe: Prue... Prue: I know, I hear it too. (They hear a noise which gives them a fright.) Alright, if there's a way in, there's definitely a way out. (The ice cream man comes up behind them.) Ice Cream Man: Who are you? (Prue and Phoebe scream.) Prue: (to Phoebe) No powers, no powers, no powers. Phoebe: I'm not surprised, I'm not surprised, I'm not surprised. (A hole opens up above them and the Ice Cream Man runs away. They hear more noises.) Phoebe: Okay, something tells me he was not running from us. Prue: Okay, let's go. (They start to run off but a little boy (Ari) comes out of the bushes.) Ari: Help! Please help me. (They go over to him.) Prue: Help you from what? Ari: The Nothing. Phoebe: Is that the man that we just saw here? Ari: It's up there. It comes for you, for everybody. When it gets you, the only thing left where you stood is nothing. You never know when it's coming, and you never know who it wants. We try to hide, but he keeps finding us. Hurry, it's coming. In here. (He runs towards the bushes.) Come on. Come here, in here. (Prue and Phoebe follow him in the bushes. They crouch down beside a tree. A girl comes out of the bushes near by.) Girl: Wait for me! Prue: Run! Girl: Help! (The girl runs towards them but trips and falls over.) Prue: She's not gonna make it. (Prue runs towards her. The girls gets sucked up into the Nothing.) Phoebe: Prue, come on. (Phoebe pulls Prue back into the bushes.) Prue: She was right there. Phoebe: Prue, it's not your fault. Our powers don't work here, we know that now. We'll be better prepared next time. Ari: Does that mean that you're gonna save us? Phoebe: Us? Ari: There are others just like me, hiding, trapped here by the Ice Cream Man. If he doesn't want you here, that must mean you have the power to save us. We should go. The Nothing'll be coming back. He always does. Come on. [Scene: P3. Piper's on the phone.] Piper: Prue, it's me leaving you another message after leaving Phoebe another message. I tried you at work, but they said you never checked in after your shoot, so where are you guys? (Piper sees the same guy as before standing at the other end of the bar.) Uh, look, so call me, or better yet, just show up and save me from having to perform an impending awkward rejection all by myself. (She hangs up. The guy (Caleb) walks over to her.) Caleb: Hi, I'm Caleb. (She shakes his hand.) Piper: Piper. Caleb: I'm sort of new in town, and I'm looking to meet someone, someone special. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your phone call to your... Piper: Fiancé. Very large, very jealous fiancé. (She walks around behind the bar.) Caleb: Really? Does, does he ever come here? Piper: He-he, all the time. Caleb: So he lives nearby? Piper: Uh, look, I'm flattered and, you know, if this was another time or place, uh, maybe you'd like to meet one of my single sisters. Caleb: You've got sisters? Really? Well, maybe we could, all, uh, get together sometime. Does your fiancé like to hang out with your sisters, too? Piper: Okay, uh, you know what? I don't know what kind of kinky stuff you're into, but there's a club down the street you might be more comfortable in. They've got cages and rubber floors, and a three for two special on Fridays. Caleb: I'm not looking for a club, Piper. Piper: And I'm not interested, Caleb, at least, in what I think you're interested in. So, if you don't mind, I have lots of stacking and stuff to do. Caleb: I think you got the wrong... Okay, okay, I'm gonna come back later when you're not, uh, stacking. (Caleb walks away. Piper picks up the phone and dials a number.) Piper: Prue, where are you guys? [Cut to inside the ice cream truck.] Phoebe: Are we going in circles? This looks like the exact same playground. Ari: In this place, everywhere you go looks the same. That's how the Nothing gets you. Only a few of us can find our way. (Phoebe slaps Prue on the arm. Prue gasps.) Phoebe: Why couldn't you get a boy-band song in your head like everybody else? Prue: Alright, just tell us everything that you know about the mean Ice Cream Man. Ari: Just that he's the one that put us here. Prue: Alright, so is he in change of the Nothing? Ari: I don't know. I guess. The others are gonna be so happy to see you. We've been wishing and hoping that someday someone would come and save us, and now you're here. Phoebe: Well, we're gonna do whatever we can to get you out of here. So why don't you take us to your friends? Ari: Through here. (He walks off. Phoebe touches a swing and has a premonition of Prue as a little girl. She is in the ice cream truck, calling out. She runs over to her father and he hugs her tightly.) Prue: What is it? Phoebe: I saw you when you were little, in this playground with Dad. [Cut back to the manor. Piper is calling Leo.] Piper: Leo! (She closes her eyes.) Leo. (Leo orbs in. She opens her eyes.) It's about time. Leo: Piper, I was busy. Piper: Well, don't you have orb-waiting? Leo: Look, it's not fair to my other clients if I keep getting calls from you while I'm at work. Piper: Look, I just have one teensy favour. Prue and Phoebe never came back from lunch, and they haven't been returning any of my phone calls. And I know I'm probably just being paranoid, but can't you do that check-the-supernatural-radar thing that you do? Leo: I'm sure it's fine. They're just... (Piper gives him a look. Leo closes his eyes and concentrates.) Piper: Leo? (He opens his eyes.) Not good? Leo: I can't sense them anywhere. It's like they just... Piper: Disappeared. [Cut back inside the ice cream truck. Kids are standing in front of Prue and Phoebe.] Prue: Alright, is that all of you? Ari: All that's left. Girl: Are you gonna save us? Phoebe: We're gonna try. Prue: Alright, I think the only way out of here is to go through the person that... (Prue sees the ice cream man standing near by.) Put us here in the first place. Phoebe: The Ice Cream Man? But how are we supposed to find him? Prue: Something tells me that's not gonna be very hard. Phoebe: Why not? Prue: Oh, because he's right over there. (She points to him. The ice cream man runs away.) Okay, you kids stay here. We'll take care of the good humour man. Let's go. (Prue and Phoebe run after him.) Phoebe: There he is, by the slide. Prue: Alright, oh, hey, wait. Look at that. (They see a hole behind a slide.) What does that look like to you? Phoebe: The street from the back of the truck. Prue: That's right. The way out. Okay, all that we need now are the, uh... (The kids come up to them.) Phoebe: Hey, we were just coming to get you. Come on, we're going home. Prue: Come on, come on, come on. (A girl goes up the slide and jumps out of the truck.) One down. (A boy jumps outside.) That's another one. (The ice cream man sees them.) Ice Cream Man: No! Prue: Ooh, hurry! Git! (Ari jumps outside.) Phoebe: I'm going next. Prue: Okay, but go. Ice Cream Man: Get away from the door! (Phoebe jumps out and so does Prue.) [Cut outside. Everyone moves away from the truck except Aril.] Phoebe: Ari, come on, hurry up. (The ice cream man grabs Aril by the shirt. Ari grabs the ice cream man's wrists and burns his hands. Ari pushes him back in the truck and closes the door.) Prue: Oh. Phoebe: Oh, my God. Ari: Actually, (in demonic voice) quite the opposite. Prue: Okay, we need to keep him away from the other kids. Ari: I don't think they'll listen to you. You're not the boss of them. Demon Girl: Did you do it? (Ari nods.) Ari: Say thank you to the witches. Demon Boy and Girl: Thank you. (They laugh and run off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper and Leo are sitting on the couch.] Leo: Why don't we try focusing on the positive? They're together. Piper: That's it? That's your positive? Because I've got a list mile long in the negative column. They've been gone all night, Leo, and not even you can find them. Leo: I'm sure they're fine. Piper: You don't know that. Leo: Piper, any minute now they are gonna walk through that door with a perfectly good explanation. (Prue and Phoebe walk through the front door.) Prue: Piper. (Piper looks at Leo. He looks stunned.) Leo: See? Piper: Prue? Phoebe? (Piper goes over and hugs them.) Piper: Where... Phoebe: Were we? Oh, I would like to know the same thing. Prue: All that we know is that we have to go back. Piper: Wait a minute, is this demon or sibling-related? Phoebe: A little bit of both. We thought the good guys were bad guys, and in trying to vanquish them, we helped the real bad guys, which were dead ringers for good guys. Leo: Was that English? Prue: How about we fill in the blanks as we climb the stairs to that big book in the attic? Phoebe: Good idea. (They go upstairs.) [Time lapse. Attic. Prue's flipping through the Book of Shadows.] Piper: So, he's a demonic dog catcher, and he uses ice cream as bait? Great news for the lactose intolerant demons. Prue: Nothing in here on the demon kids who escaped. Phoebe: That we helped escape. Prue: But there's a whole page dedicated to the Ice Cream Man. Piper: What? Prue: He is mortal. Phoebe: What? Do you remember when demons look like demons and innocents look like innocents? Who changed the rules on us? Piper: Wait, if he's mortal, how does he do it? Leo: It's not him. Prue: Bingo. It's the song. It says, "The Ice Cream Man plays the Devil's Cord, which is a series of notes that when sounded together specifically attract demon kids like moths to a flame." Phoebe: More like moths to nothing. That's what's inside the truck, nothing. That's why he pulls them in there. The Nothing is the only thing that can vanquish them. Piper: So they might be pint-sized, but they're bad asses. Leo: Alright, but if they couldn't get out on their own, how did you guys? Prue: Because he let us out. He tried to save us. Phoebe: And that is all she wrote, literally. Uh, the Nothing doesn't discriminate. Good or evil tastes the same. Piper: Now the only person who knows anything about the escaped meanies is stuck on the playground and is in serious danger of becoming lunch himself. Prue: Right, and our powers don't play, not in this situation. I mean, Pheebs and I tried everything to get back in, but the door wouldn't budge. Phoebe: Well, not everything. Piper: Hmm? Mind sharing with the room? Prue: Phoebe had a premonition of me. Phoebe: And Dad in the playground. Piper: You were there? How? When? Phoebe: Only one way to find out. Prue: Right, but we don't even know where he is, never have, not even now, when he might actually come in handy. Phoebe: He's here. Dad's in San Francisco. He's been here for the last three months. So it was him that your friend Cara saw. And it was an email from him that I got yesterday that I didn't tell your guys about. He's here, an instant message away. Piper: Phoebe, this is... Phoebe: Huge. I know, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys that I've been keeping in touch with him, but I wanted to. It just never seemed like the right time. So I guess now is the right time. What do you think? Piper: Do we have a choice? (Phoebe gets out her laptop.) [Scene: Sidewalk. The demon boy stands there staring a burnt body beside a bush. An ice cream truck is parked on the side of the road. Ari and the demon girl walks up to him.] Ari: Whatcha doing? Demon Boy: Killing. Ari: No kidding. Did anybody see you? Demon Girl: Thought I was supposed to kill. Was it fun? Demon Boy: He screamed a lot. Demon Girl: Cool. Demon Boy: So what do we do now? Ari: Well, I guess we waste even more time while we pick up after you. Demon Boy: But you said all we have to do is find the truck... Ari: Not any truck, the truck. I already got rid of the Ice Cream Man, remember? The only people we might have to kill to get to the right truck are those witches. Demon Boy: But... (Ari walks over to the truck.) Ari: And if you would've paid attention, you would've known that. And you also would've known... (Ari opens the back door of the truck.) That this isn't the right truck. Now, I like killing just as much as the next demon, but right now we gotta be smart. And trashing every regular old ice cream truck that we see is not smart. Demon Girl: But it's fun. Ari: And we'll have lots more fun when this is all over. Demon Girl: Promise? Ari: Yeah, but first do you think you can clean up this mess? Demon Girl: I was waiting for you to say that. (She blows towards the body and it disappears.) [Scene: P3. Prue and Phoebe are sitting at the bar. Piper is standing behind it serving them a drink.] Piper: Welcome to Club Switzerland. Prue: Alright, could we just curb the sarcasm there? I just didn't really feel like inviting him to our home for tea and cookies. Phoebe: He's our father, Prue. This is family. Prue: This is business, alright? And don't even think about giving me that look. If he gives us any useful information on the playground, I will be the very first one to thank him. Phoebe: And then send him packing. (Caleb approaches the bar.) Caleb: These must be the sisters I've heard so much about. Piper: Caleb, uh... Caleb: And to think I almost didn't swing by today. Piper: Okay, you know what? I've tried, I really have, and you're not a bad guy, but obviously, the part of your brain meant to take a hint wasn't wired together properly because you're not taking any. (Leo stands behind Caleb.) This is a really bad time. Caleb: Oh, okay, when would be a good time? Piper: (to Leo) Help me. Leo: (to Caleb) You got a phone call, it's in the office. Why don't I show you where that's at. Caleb: Uh, okay, do you mind if I ask you something? (Leo and Caleb walk away.) Piper: Thank you. (Prue looks confused.) Hey, you're just lucky nobody got killed, okay? You hear what I'm saying? (Victor walks down the stairs and the girls stare at him.) Victor: Well, would it be too much to ask for a hug? (Phoebe gets up and hugs him.) Phoebe: It's good to see you, daddy. Victor: Oh, baby, you have no idea. Wow, what a place. This is yours, Piper? It's terrific. The three of you together. I hardly know where to begin. Prue: Well, I have a suggestion. How about we just cut to the chase? Piper: Uh, Prue, he just got here. Can't that wait, like, five minutes? Prue: He's a businessman, Piper. I would think that he would appreciate that. We can do the whole family-bonding thing once the work is done, alright? So, how about you just tell us everything that you know about the playground? Victor: What playground? Phoebe: Dad, I had a premonition. I know you were there. Piper: And somebody's hurt, so we need to get back inside. Victor: Oh, let it go. Prue: That may be your motto, but we made a mistake, and we would really like to fix it. So just tell us how you got in, and we can handle it from there. We are big witches now. Victor: Yeah, but you're still my girls. Prue: Victor. Victor: Prue. (Silence.) Alright. Yes, I was there. I went in after you, and it was the last thing I ever did as your father. You were home with a cold. You must've been about six. Your mum had some errands to run, so she took your sisters with her and left me home in charge of you. [Flashback: Six-year-old Prue's room. She is asleep in bed. Victor pulls up the blankets and kisses her on the forehead.] Victor: You had asked me to read you a story. You used to love that. But the cold was too much for you. You only lasted a page or two. When I left your room you were still sleeping. [Little Prue goes downstairs into the living room.] Victor: I never heard you come downstairs. You must've been looking for a glass of water or me. And that must've been when you heard it. [Back to the present.] Prue: The song. Victor: I mean, I heard a truck drive by and stop a few doors down, but I didn't think anything of it. It was an ice cream truck. How was I to know? But somehow you did. And you must've gone in the living room following that song. And that's when you saw it happen. A little boy not much older than yourself. Prue: Yeah. He was standing by the truck, and something pulled him in. He was so scared. Victor: And you ran out to help him. Phoebe: Just like yesterday. Victor: When I saw your bed empty, I lost my mind. The door was wide open, there was a truck parked outside. I mean, I had no idea what I was getting into but I just had to go. Piper: You saved Prue. Victor: But I lost the three of you. Phoebe: You said that you left because Grams wanted us to use our powers and you didn't. Victor: That's the truth. And now you know the whole story. I mean, when your grandmother found out, I had just brought Prue back, but being your father wasn't good enough, but how could I protect you from something like that happening again when I didn't have powers? Phoebe: Okay, so the Book said the Ice Cream Man is mortal. That's why he can go through the door and we can't, right? Piper: So, what do you say, dad? We need your help. [Time lapse. Prue and Piper are walking down the street with Phoebe and Victor walking behind them.] Prue: You know if this doesn't work I can look back and pinpoint the exact moment where it all went wrong. Piper: And that moment's name would be dad? Prue, you got to admit, if he can open the door, then we kinda need him. Prue: It's all about word choice, Piper. We don't need him, we need his utter lack of power, right? He opens the door, we save the day, we get on with our lives. It's a one-time group effort. Piper: Glad to see you have a healthy handle on the situation, Prue. Prue: I think I do. [Cut to Phoebe and Victor.] Phoebe: So, yeah, I was surprised to hear from you, but why did you think I wouldn't write you back? Victor: Because as far back as you can remember, I've done very little right by you. I mean, if a guy, let alone your own dad, walks out on you once, maybe you'll give him a second chance, but he appears to make a habit of it... Phoebe: I never thought you left by choice, dad. Victor: Thank you, Phoebe. (They walk into an alley.) Prue: Okay, well, this is it. Piper: Uh, but there's nothing here. Phoebe: Wait, we lost the truck? (The demon kids stand behind them.) Prue: Yeah, but we gained company. (The demon girl blows them away. They laugh.) Prue: Oh, those kids so need to be grounded. (The kids run off.) Oh, I don't get it. Alright, why pick a fight and then run? Piper: Speaking of running, we should run because they're getting away. Prue: No, we can't do that because we have to get back into the truck. Phoebe: Not all of us. Come on, Piper. (Phoebe and Piper run off.) Victor: Nice work. Prue: Alright, lost modes of transport are definitely not my forte. So... Victor: Prue, sometimes things in life happen for a reason, no magic involved. Truck's been towed. (They see a No Parking/Tow Away sign.) Prue: Right. (Ari watches them from near by.) [Cut to a junk yard. Victor and Prue are there. Prue's removing a chain from the gate.] Victor: Need a hand? Prue: No, I don't need a hand, I don't need anything. (They walk over to the truck.) This is where he pulled us in, but since he's still trapped inside, I'm guessing the only way in is through the exit. (She tries to open the door but it won't budge. She uses her power but still doesn't open.) Ugh! Alright, let's just do this. You can do it, right? Victor: Well, let's just say that chasing demons is not exactly my day job. Prue: Alright, it helps if you specifically focus on the task. Don't think about what's behind the door, that'll only distract you. Picture yourself opening the door. See yourself opening the door, then just do it. (Victor opens the door.) Victor: Thanks for the advice. Prue: Just doing my job. (They go inside the truck.) This would be a lot easier if things stopped moving. We left him right here. Unless... Victor: The Nothing. Even mortals have memories, Prue. I saw what it did to those children. I know what it could've done to him and to us if we don't act quickly. Prue: Yeah, well, at least we agree upon one thing. Ice Cream Man: Make that two and get out while you still can. (The ice cream man is sitting near by.) Prue: Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I didn't know. Ice Cream Man: The mistake was mine. You're the Charmed Ones, you were saving innocents. How could you know they weren't? Prue: How did you know? Ice Cream Man: Let's just say we both have friends in high places. The moment I mistakenly pulled you and your sister in, I was alerted and sent to save you. Prue: And you get this in return. Victor: It's getting closer. Prue: Alright, so you got us out of here once, now it's my turn. (They help him stand up.) Ice Cream Man: The children, you must get them back inside the playground. Prue: We will, and you're gonna help us do it. Ice Cream Man: I disabled the truck. You'll need to fix it, play the song. Prue: Don't you dare. You stay with us. Ice Cream Man: Inside... (Prue pulls a small glass tube out of his shirt pocket.) It's for the truck. Prue: It's almost here. You go first, okay? Ice Cream Man: I can replaced, you can't. Prue: No! (He pushes them away and the Nothing sucks him up.) Victor: Prue, it'll be back. We've gotta get out now! You didn't fail. The only way you fail is if you don't get back and do what he asked. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Sidewalk. Piper and Phoebe are there.] Piper: Why don't they ever run into a well-lit room with nowhere to hide? Phoebe: Well, we know they're somewhere, and I know what's gonna give them away. Piper: How could you... Phoebe: Shh! (They see the demon kids near by.) Ari: How badly did you wanna get off that playground? And now we're free. Don't you wanna stay free? Piper: Why did I get the feeling these kids weren't looking to pick a fight with the Charmed Ones? They were just looking for the truck and we crashed their party. Phoebe: But we're like a mile ahead. I mean, we know where it is. Ari: It's in the junkyard. Phoebe: Oh. Did I say a mile? Piper: Okay, so they know, but it's three of us versus three of them. We're even, and bigger. (More demon kids walk up to Ari and the other two.) Phoebe: Uh, sis, I think you need to count again. When in doubt. Piper: Bring reinforcements. Ari: All's that left for us to do is destroy the truck. Piper: Prue. Phoebe: And dad. Let's go. [Cut to the junk yard. Phoebe and Piper walk in.] Piper: Do you think they're here already? Phoebe: Probably. Piper: Do you think they know that we're here already? Phoebe: Probably. (The kids laugh in the background.) Piper: Okay, do they do that because they think it's funny or just to freak us out? Phoebe: All we have to do is hold off the demons until dad and Prue get out. Piper: You haven't by any chance had a premonition that this is all going to turn out okay and you've just neglected to inform your kin? (A demon kid scratches their fingernails along a car.) Phoebe: Okay, I think they're surrounding us. Piper: No, don't say that. We're not surrounded until they're all around of us. Phoebe: Okay, how bad could the odds be? I mean, sure there's a whole bunch of them, but we're witches, right? And you have the power to... (A demon kid hits Piper over the head with a car part knocking her unconscious.) Piper! Are you okay? (She sits Piper up against a car.) Phoebe: Alright, you little brats. Bring it on. [Cut back in the truck.] Prue: Head for the slide. Up at the top, that's our way out. (Prue starts to get sucked up by the Nothing.] Prue: Aah! Daddy! Victor: Hold on, Prue! (Victor grabs Prue's arms.) Prue: Daddy, I need you. Victor: I've got you. I'm not leaving without you. Prue: Dad! Victor: I've got you. Oh, God. (He pulls her in.) [Cut back to the junk yard. The kids surround Phoebe. A demon boy jumps on Phoebe's back and she throws him into the other kids, knocking them to the ground. The demon girl blows Phoebe away. They laugh and walk over to her. Prue and Victor get out of the truck and Prue uses her power on the kids.] Prue: (to Victor) Alright, any ideas what to do with this? (Prue hands him the glass tube.) Victor: Eight years of fixing your mother's car has given me one. Prue: Alright, we'll buy you some time. (Prue helps Phoebe up.) Hey, need a hand? Phoebe: I need about ten. (The girl stands up.) Prue: Oh, you need a little time out, missy! (Prue uses her power on the demon girl. Victor opens up the bonnet of the truck and looks for a place to put the glass tube. A flame flies out of the demon boy's hand heading for Prue and Phoebe. They jump behind a car.) Oh, dad, hurry! (Ari walks up to Victor and Prue uses her power on him. Prue and Victor look at each other. Victor puts the tube in its place. The music starts playing and the kids walk over to the truck. They get sucked into the truck. Piper regains consciousness and Phoebe goes over to her.) Phoebe: Welcome to our world, dad. Piper: When I decide I wanna have kids, you remind me of this day. (Leo and Caleb walk in the junk yard.) Piper: Leo, what are you doing here? Why did you bring him here? Leo: He's supposed to be here, Piper. Caleb: You fixed my wheels. Thanks. Leo: Caleb's the new Ice Cream Man. He filled me in back at the club. Everything's happened the way it was meant to. He was sent over to take over. It's his time. Piper: So your interest in me... Caleb: Strictly professional. I was lost, but until I was sure who you were, I couldn't just come up and say, "Hey, are you a Charmed One?" 'Cause I need you to take me to my demon-catching truck. Speaking of which, I'm running kind of late as it is, so, uh, thank you. All of you. Leo: Good luck. (Caleb gets in the truck.) Phoebe: Something tells me I'm never gonna look at a Creamsicle quite the same way. Prue: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Victor's ready to leave.] Victor: Well, I guess this is goodbye again. (Phoebe hugs him.) Phoebe: Thanks, dad. Keep writing. Victor: You don't have to keep this a secret anymore, Phoebe. Phoebe: I know. Victor: I mean anything. (He kisses her forehead. He walks over to Piper and hugs her.) What's the story with this Leo character anyway? How much does he know about you? Piper: Uh, just about everything. Victor: Oh, so he's... Piper: He's a wonderful man, yes. Victor: Well, still I think I should have a little chat with him sometime. Piper: Dad... Victor: It's a father's prerogative. (He walks over to Prue.) Prue: I'm not saying good bye. Piper, Phoebe: Prue! Prue: I'm saying see you soon, dad. (She hugs him.) Victor: Thank you. You know, that's sort of why I came to town. For this job interview, and although it would entail some travel, I'd be based here in San Francisco, and if you guys think that occasionally this town is big enough for the four of us, I'd like to accept their offer. Piper: Hmm. Victor: Could I except that as a yes? Prue: Yes. (A horn honks outside.) Victor: That's my cab. Alright, (he grabs his stuff) we've got so much catching up to do. Piper: It's okay. It's different now. Victor: It is isn't it? See you soon. (He leaves.)	Plan: A: her head; Q: Where does Prue have a song stuck in for a while? A: an ice cream truck; Q: What does Prue realize the song belongs to? A: Phoebe; Q: Who has a premonition that Prue was sucked into the same van as a child? A: several children; Q: What do Prue and Phoebe discover stuck inside the van? A: the children; Q: Who do the sisters discover are demonic? A: their father; Q: Who saved Prue from the vortex? A: help; Q: What do Prue and Phoebe have to call upon their father for? Summary: After having a song stuck in her head for a while, Prue eventually realizes it belongs to an ice cream truck. When she and Phoebe get sucked through a vortex into the van, they discover several children stuck inside and take it upon themselves to save them. However, the sisters soon discover that the children are demonic. Phoebe soon has a premonition where she see that as a child, Prue was sucked into the same van, only to be saved by their father. As a result, they have to call upon their father for help.
KITCHEN - UNKNOWN HOUSE [Lorelai and Chris are looking at a new house, they are acting] CHRISTOPHER: I got a meeting in half an hour, so I better run. LORELAI: Okay, well, have a great day. CHRISTOPHER: Thanks again for breakfast. LORELAI: My pleasure. CHRISTOPHER: You make a hell of a Frittata. LORELAI: Well it is my specialty what time? CHRISTOPHER: Around sixish. LORELAI: Alright I might make a Frittata for dinner. CHRISTOPHER: Ooh, sounds good. LORELAI: Have a great day, honey. CHRISTOPHER: Bye, hon. [Chris walks off, then returns] So what'd you think? LORELAI: Frittata? CHRISTOPHER: Felt pretty good, huh? LORELAI: No, it did. It's homey. Home-ish. Home-like. Margaret, what did you think? MARGARET: Oh, you seemed like real people in a real house. LORELAI: Wow. What about the lighting? MARGARET: Well as you can see there's lots of windows, lots of natural sunlight. LORELAI: But how do we look? MARGARET: Excuse me? LORELAI: In the lighting, how do we look? MARGARET: Oh, right. At least 10 years younger. LORELAI: Than... MARGARET: Hmm? LORELAI: Well, if you think we're 60 and the lighting makes us look 50, then this room is aging us, and that's not good. MARGARET: You look 20. LORELAI: Very good! MARGARET: This house was originally built in 1790 but obviously has been completely remodeled. All new appliances. Three fireplaces. Proximity to an excellent school district. The large backyard. Great tree-house-building trees. LORELAI: Ooh, fun. MARGARET: So I'm gonna make a quick call. Take your time. Look around. Make yourselves at home. Well, I don't have to tell you two that. I'll be right outside so just holler if you have any questions. LORELAI: Thank you. We will. CHRISTOPHER: So... LORELAI: So? CHRISTOPHER: I told you it was a really cool house. LORELAI: It is. CHRISTOPHER: And that yard? LORELAI: Oh, love the yard. CHRISTOPHER: And I know it's not Stars Hollow, but it's a really cool town and bigger. Lots of places to eat and shop. LORELAI: Three bookstores? I mean this is a well-read community. We might be the dumbest people in town. CHRISTOPHER: Yep we could be the town dunces. We'll buy caps. LORELAI: We'll put "the dunces" on our mailbox. CHRISTOPHER: That mailbox! LORELAI: What is that, a hollowed-out Birch tree or something? CHRISTOPHER: And the second-floor bedroom -- that's perfect for Gigi And the third-floor room - with the really cool windows that could be Rory's room. LORELAI: Honey, I can't imagine a better house. UNKNOWN HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Lorelai and Chris exit the house] LORELAI: Big front yard. CHRISTOPHER: Could be our front yard. LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. [Chris looks at Lorelai] What's with the face? LORELAI: Face? What face? My face, you don't like my face? CHRISTOPHER: Lor. LORELAI: Hmm? CHRISTOPHER: You want to stay in Stars Hollow. LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: You want to stay in your house. You don't want to move at all. LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. LORELAI: Yeah? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah...It's a hell of a mailbox, though. LORELAI: Sure is. OPENING CREDITS GILMORE MANSION [The front door rings and Emily opens it] EMILY: You're here. LORELAI: I'm here! EMILY: You're 37 minutes late, but you're here. LORELAI: Uh, traffic. EMILY: It's Sunday morning Lorelai. The roads are empty. LORELAI: Well let me finish, mom. Traffic cones everywhere. I mean you wouldn't believe it's like a crazy obstacle course out there. It's a miracle I survived. Maybe we should do this another day when I'm less stressed from the traffic-cone dodging. EMILY: I have the most exciting news. LORELAI: You're canceling my wedding party? EMILY: I got Randall Farber as your party planner. LORELAI: And he's canceling my wedding party? EMILY: He spent the last 15 years as designer-in-residence at the Connecticut opera house. LORELAI: Boss. EMILY: This is a real coup, Lorelai. LORELAI: Well... EMILY: Your father and I have been fans of his work for years, and he's only just begun designing parties. Two months ago we went to Abigail Hirschfeld's granddaughter's bat mitzvah, LORELAI: Mm-hmm EMILY: And it was the most spectacular event. The whole decor was inspired by Britten's "a midsummer night's dream." I swear I felt like I was in an enchanted forest the entire night, except for the children running around with braces. Randall, this is my daughter, Lorelai. Lorelai, Randall Farber. LORELAI: Hello. RANDALL: Ah, the star of our show. LORELAI: Oh, well... EMILY: I apologize for her tardiness. It's rather habitual. RANDALL: Oh, stop. You're talking to an opera man. I've worked with Renée Fleming. The personality of a pit bull, that one, but all is forgiven when she sings, am I right. LORELAI: Well, heads-up, I'm not much of an outside-the-shower singer. EMILY: I hope you realize how lucky you are to have Randall, Lorelai. He's a genius. RANDALL: Oh, stop. [Leading them into the dining room] Shall we? LORELAI: Please. [Now in the dinning room] RANDALL: Well the first order of business is deciding on a theme around which I can design the evening. LORELAI: How about "man's inhumanity to man"? It always worked well for my term papers in high school. EMILY: Why don't you show us what you're thinking? RANDALL: Well I've done a few mock-up tables. Just tell me which one jumps out at you. LORELAI: Um, they all jump out at me. Kind of aggressively. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Well I just don't want it to be a big production, mom. It's just a party. RANDALL: My dear, every party's a production. If it's a lousy production, it's a lousy party and everyone leaves by 8:30. LORELAI: What about that as a theme? "Everyone leaves by 8:30." EMILY: Tell me about this one. LUKE'S DINER KIRK: You've got you stocking plaid, your festive ornament collage your snowman trio, your Peekaboo Santa. MISS PATTY: Well it's lovely, Kirk, but I already bought my wrapping paper from the kids from the Stars Hollow middle school. KIRK: Well, then, you got ripped off. MISS PATTY: What? KIRK: Those kids are gouging you. I'm selling the same wrapping paper for 20% less. LUKE: Aren't the kids selling the wrapping paper to help raise money for a new gymnasium? KIRK: Yeah. LUKE: Well, why are you? KIRK: To raise money for myself. I'm not a school, Luke. No one's raising money for me. I saw the opportunity to enter the market at a lower price point and I took it. MISS PATTY: Ho, ho, ho. KIRK: What schoolchildren are the only ones allowed to sell wrapping paper? It's a free country. [A kid comes into the diner] Hey, Jacob! Beat it. This is my territory. JACOB: Fathead. KIRK: Yeah, keep walking. LIZ: Look who's here. MISS PATTY: Oh, my god! LIZ: She's precious. MISS PATTY: Oh, those eyes, that skin -- she's gorgeous. LIZ: That's what everyone says. LUKE: Hey, Liz. LIZ: Hi, Luke. LUKE: Oh, she's bigger. LIZ: 11 pounds, 4 ounces. LUKE: Oh she looks great. LIZ: I know. She's really strong, too. She can practically hold her head up. Most kids don't do that until they're two months. LUKE: Really LIZ: Yeah. LUKE: Come on over and sit down. LIZ: Oh, sure. [They move to the counter] Oh he's really strong to she takes after T.J., he's really strong you know. We've been watching "Survivor" sometimes, you know, and he does the challenges, you know like standing on one leg or dragging the sandbags around, and he lasts longer than the guys on the show. LUKE: Wow. KIRK: You know, baby's first Christmas is approaching. Have you given thought to what baby's first Christmas gift will be wrapped in? LIZ: No. KIRK: I have baby Santa, cuddly reindeers, Frosty's world... LUKE: Kirk. KIRK: Yeah, okay. [He leaves] LIZ: So is April excited about being a cousin? LUKE: Yeah. I showed her the pictures you sent. She's gonna frame the one of her in the orange jumper. LIZ: Oh, that is such a good one! [Laughter] She looks like a little creamsicle. LUKE: [Laughs] LIZ: She's very photogenic, huh? LUKE: Yeah. LIZ: And how are things with Anna? LUKE: Yeah we're trading calls. It'll work out. I mean, I've calmed down a little since the fight. It'll all work itself out. LIZ: I'm sure. LUKE: Actually, I made a list. Okay I think it's pretty reasonable. Alright I was thinking I could have April either Thanksgiving or Christmas -- Anna can choose. One month of the summer. And I think I would like April to come to Stars Hollow one weekend every other month. In between, I can travel to New Mexico. I mean that sounds fair, right? LIZ: Very reasonable. But I definitely think you need to get a lawyer. LUKE: No lawyers. Anna and I are gonna work this out on our own. LIZ: That's what you think now, big brother, but trust me -- custody issues are tough. LUKE: Well, I don't like lawyers. LIZ: Well, nobody does. Wait. She's staring at you. She is! She's staring at you, and she's falling asleep. Great. I'm gonna leave her with you, and I'll be back in an hour. LUKE: What? LIZ: Oh, I'm going crazy. I just need a minute to myself. LUKE: Liz... LIZ: She's been attached to my boob for two weeks, and T.J.'s decided to finally get a "work ethic." LUKE: You can't just leave her here. I can't watch her. LIZ: I fed her. She'll be fine. She'll sleep the whole time. LUKE: [now panicking a little] Wait, Liz... LIZ: I'll be back in an hour, maybe an hour and a half. [Luke looks a little worried as the door closes.] GILMORE MANSION - DINNING ROOM [They are still looking at tables] RANDALL: So why don't we take our inspiration from the world of "la bohme," fin de sicle Paris? A little birdie told me you had quite the romantic Parisian adventure. EMILY: Tweet, tweet. RANDALL: I must confess -- this is my personal favorite. I must admit I have a soft spot, for it was while I was doing "la bohme" at the staatsoper in Vienna that I met the incomparable Franco Zeffirelli, whose meticulous attention to detail has been a yardstick for which I measure all my work. EMILY: Your details are simply astounding, Randall. LORELAI: What about instead of "la bohme," we took our inspiration from "rent" -- east village, 1985, rickety tables, chipped glassware... [Cell phone rings] EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Excuse me. [Answers her cell phone] Hello? RORY: How goes the party planning? LORELAI: What? What happened? RORY: That good, huh? LORELAI: Is he okay? RORY: I'm not participating in this. LORELAI: Oh, my god. What can I do? What do you need? RORY: You're not using this call to get out of party-planning hell. LORELAI: Oh, I'll be right there. RORY: Mom! EMILY: I can hear Rory on the other end, Lorelai. You're not as clever as you think you are. LORELAI: [Too Rory] You rat. [Holds up the phone] RORY: Hi, grandma. EMILY: Hello, Rory. [too Randall] That's my granddaughter, Rory. Delightful girl. She's a senior at Yale. RANDALL: Fantastic theater program -- Meryl, Jodie. LORELAI: [Back on the phone] Uh, I thought we had a deal. RORY: We had no deal. LORELAI: No, a deal for life. You've got my back. I've got yours. RORY: I plan on having a good time at your wedding party. More importantly, I plan on making sure you have a good time at your wedding party. Therefore, it's important you be involved in the planning, of you wedding party so in the big picture, I do very much have your back. LORELAI: Yeah, whatever. RORY: Okay. Bad news. I'm afraid I have to bail on you and dad for dinner tonight. LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Logan? RORY: Yeah, he's coming to stay with me for a couple days. He's been so busy with the start up, I've hardly gotten to see him lately. LORELAI: Okay can't see you through the phone, but I'm pouting. RORY: I'll make it up to you. LORELAI: Hey is he coming to the party? I'm trying to pad the guest list if he's coming, I'm in the double digits. RORY: He'll be there. LORELAI: Awesome. RORY: So okay, I'll call you later, okay? LORELAI: The stairs are rickety, and you think you might fall down them? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: The pool is empty, and you've hit your head? RORY: Goodbye. LORELAI: Okay, bye. EMILY: Lorelai, come look at these invitations. LORELAI: [Sighs] Can we just send an Evite?... No? Okay. DOOSE'S MARKET [Lorelai and Chris are shopping] LORELAI: Two hours we spent picking out invitations. Two hours. CHRISTOPHER: Wow. LORELAI: Not counting the one hour we spent picking out the calligraphy -- for a party. [Lorelai puts pop tarts into the cart] CHRISTOPHER: This is gonna be some shindig. [Chris puts the pop tarts back on the shelf without Lorelai seeing] LORELAI: "Would you like the brown card with the cream-colored detail and the parchment insert, or would you like the cream-colored card with the silk lining and the clear paper insert?" How about I'd like some cyanide and a 30-story building to jump off of? CHRISTOPHER: Ah no, we said one sugar cereal. LORELAI: You're gonna deny me the captain? CHRISTOPHER: We've got a whole box of Froot Loops at home. LORELAI: [pouting] In my fragile state you're gonna deny me peanut butter Cap'n crunch? CHRISTOPHER: It rips your gums... LORELAI: In a delightful, sugary way. Look it's got 5% real peanut-butter- flavored chemicals. CHRISTOPHER: No. LORELAI: Oh, fine. Corn flakes. CHRISTOPHER: Which one do we get again? LORELAI: Avoid the words "made with real vegetables." I cannot take another day of Emily and Randall, and I have nine more days of it. That's nine more days than I can take. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, you're doing great. LORELAI: I'm not doing great. I'm going nuts. Tomorrow we have the food-and-wine tasting at the Mildred Manor ballroom. CHRISTOPHER: At least you get to drink your way through it. LORELAI: No. Fancy people make you spit out the wine. That's what fancy people do. But not me. I'm gonna drink them under the ballroom. CHRISTOPHER: What time's the tasting? LORELAI: 3:30 till the end of never. CHRISTOPHER: Well I've got a meeting in Hartford at 2:00, but I can meet you there afterward. LORELAI: Really? CHRISTOPHER: Yes. LORELAI: Honey, that would be so great. I will never eat peanut butter Cap'n crunch again. Yes, I will. That's a lie. But together, we can defeat them. CHRISTOPHER: Hey this is serious I don't want to get the wrong-colored deck mint parchment insert. The guys at the gym would never let me live it down. LORELAI: No. CHRISTOPHER: Well we got everything? LORELAI: Yeah, we're good. Oh, no. CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: Bonnie. CHRISTOPHER: Who? LORELAI: Taylor's niece, Bonnie, working the register. She couldn't be slower or care less about her job. CHRISTOPHER: I thought life in a small town was supposed to be leisurely. LORELAI: There's leisurely, and then there's Bonnie. [Sighs] We're never gonna get out of here. CHRISTOPHER: Go wait outside. LORELAI: Really? CHRISTOPHER: Go. LORELAI: [Clicks tongue] Honey, buy me Tic Tacs. Hi, bonnie. BONNIE: What's up, Lorelai? LORELAI: That's cabbage, hon. BONNIE: Um... I'm gonna need a void here. DOOSE'S MARKET - EXTERIOR [Lorelai comes out just as Luke is walking Doula in her stroller past the store] LORELAI: [Noticing Luke] Hi. LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: Who's -- who's this? LUKE: That's Liz's baby. LORELAI: Oh, wow. Congratulations. You're an uncle again, huh? LUKE: Yeah, thanks. LORELAI: Oh. Well, she's cute. She looks just like T.J. LUKE: Hopefully she will grow out of that. LORELAI: She's adorable. She's sweet. So what's her name? LUKE: Doula. LORELAI: What? LUKE: Doula. LORELAI: Oh, is that... LUKE: A weird name. LORELAI: Weird name. A little bit. But, no, it's special. It's one-of-a-kind, distinctive. Can I? LUKE: Oh, sure, of course. LORELAI: [Leans in and pick up Doula] Hi. Hi, bubby. Hi. Oh, precious. How old is she? Two weeks? LUKE: 11 days. LORELAI: Oh, wow. And how's Liz? LUKE: Oh, they're great. They're both doing great. They're gonna make very strange parents but you know good ones, I know. LORELAI: Nothing wrong with a strange but loving household. LUKE: Yeah, I guess. LORELAI: Look at her long fingers. LUKE: Yeah, I noticed that, too. LORELAI: What are you gonna be -- a pianist when you grow up? Is that what you're gonna be, pretty girl? Or a pickpocket. Well, yes, you might. You might be a pickpocketing pianist. LUKE: Oh, look what she did. [Chris comes out of Doose's and looks at them for a few seconds] LUKE: [Laughs] LORELAI: Pretty. LUKE: She's trying to take my finger. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. Look. It's Liz's new baby. CHRISTOPHER: Cute. LORELAI: Yeah. Well, thanks, um, for letting me.. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Hold her. And tell Liz congratulations for me, okay? LUKE: Will do. LORELAI: Alright see you. LUKE: See you. LORELAI: Want me to... CHRISTOPHER: I got it. LORELAI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: [Too lorelai] Looks good on you... YALE - CAFETERIA [Rory and Logan are waiting in line] LORELAI: We don't have to eat here. RORY: Oh, yes, we do. You're on my turf now. LOGAN: Your turf? RORY: My turf. LOGAN: You know, I did go to school here. RORY: Yeah, you graduated from Yale. You can eat from their cafeteria at least once. LOGAN: I stopped by for the occasional bowl of cereal. RORY: Yeah cereal does not count. Okay you need to get something hot, mushy, and meaty. LOGAN: You're not making it sound too appetizing. RORY: Oh, it's not. I have an extra family pass from parents' weekend. LOGAN: Oh, so when your parents came, they got to eat real food? RORY: Mm-hmm I'm gonna tell them that you're my brother and that you're gonna get your meal comped. LOGAN: I don't mind paying for my mushy meat. RORY: No, that's not the issue. I mean I know how to work the system. LOGAN: Oh, you do. RORY: Yeah, you know me -- I can be crafty. LOGAN: You can make a necklace out of macaroni, but this is high-stakes deception. RORY: What's my middle name? Rory "high-stakes deception" Gilmore. DENNIS: Card. RORY: There you go. And this is my family pass for my brother here. BRANDON: Logan! What's up, brother? What they hell are you doing here, I thought you moved to London to run the world or something. LOGAN: Just back for a visit. RORY: My brother went here, too. BRANDON: Is this your girlfriend, Rory? LOGAN: I don't know. Is it? RORY: [Too Dennis] Um I'm a terrible liar. DENNIS: Ah-ha LOGAN: Apparently so. RORY: So hi. I'm Rory. BRANDON: Brandon. Nice to meet you. RORY: You too. So, Dennis, how much is a lunch pass? DENNIS: $9.75. LOGAN: So you're still with Nicole? BRANDON: Yeah, till I die or she kills me. LOGAN: Well, give her my best. BRANDON: Will do, buddy. Good to see you, Logan. LOGAN: You too. BRANDON: Nice to meet you, Rory. RORY: You too. Bye. LOGAN: [Too Rory] Smooth. RORY: Shut up. LOGAN: Way to work the system. RORY: You totally left me hanging there. LOGAN: What could I do? You were working the system. In fact, you were working the system so well, I think the system needs a day off. RORY: I'll have the chicken, and he'll have the meat loaf with extra gravy. LOGAN: Nice. RORY: Mm-hmm. Oh, hey, there's Lucy. Lucy! LUCY: Hi! You must be Rory's imaginary boyfriend, Logan. LOGAN: Hi, Lucy. LUCY: Hi. I would give you a proper hug, but my pockets are full of apple jacks. I have art history in a few minutes, and my professor sounds like Garrison Keillor on Quaaludes, so I need a constant intake of sugar just to stay awake. LOGAN: I was just treating Logan to his first Branford dining hall meat loaf. LUCY: Oh, you're in for a treat and a stomachache. LOGAN: I can tell. LUCY: So congratulations on buying the Internet or something. LOGAN: Thank you, although al gore and I are still negotiating so it's not a done deal yet. RORY: It's too bad that you have class. You could have eaten with us. LUCY: Sad. Hey, why don't we have dinner? I have a lecture tonight, but what about tomorrow night? RORY: Sure. LOGAN: Sounds good. LUCY: Fun! We'll have to go to Panchali's. It's this new Indian restaurant right off campus. It's awesome and I swear no matter how much food you order, you cannot spend more than 7 bucks. LOGAN: Sounds like stomachache number two. RORY: Huh-huh MARTY: [Entering the room] Hey, babe. Come on. LUCY: Boyfriend! [Marty is surprised to see Logan and Rory, Lucy waves him over] Boyfriend, this is Rory's imaginary boyfriend, Logan. LOGAN: I know Marty. How you doing, man? MARTY: Hey. LUCY: How do you two know each other? MARTY: Oh we met when I was bartending one of Logan's parties. LUCY: What a coinkydink. RORY: Yeah. LOGAN: More than one, he did a couple blowouts for me, and if I'm not mistaken, at the last one, cops were called. MARTY: That sounds familiar. LUCY: You know, you probably met Marty, too, and you just didn't even know it. MARTY: We should go. I need to stop by the library before class. LUCY: Right. Okay, bye, guys. We will see you tomorrow for Basmati and Vindaloo. RORY: Okay. Bye. LOGAN: Later. RORY: Okay. Come on. [They go over to a table and sit] Is this okay? LOGAN: Fine. So what's with the whole "you must have met Marty"? RORY: Oh, I meant to tell you. LOGAN: Tell me what? RORY: It's kind of embarrassing. It's so juvenile and lame. It's like high school -- not even high school. It's junior high. LOGAN: I'm listening. RORY: Well, I've been hanging out with Lucy and Olivia and I keep hearing about Lucy's boyfriend, and they never actually said his name. And then when I finally met him, it was Marty. And before I could even say anything, he just pretended like we've never met. And I just didn't know what to do, so I went along with it, but now Lucy still doesn't know that we know each other. It's just kind of weird and awkward. And did I mention juvenile? LOGAN: Why did you go along with it? RORY: I don't know. It just happened so fast. I was caught off guard. LOGAN: So why would he pretend not to know you? RORY: I don't know. I mean, maybe because he used to like me, and maybe he still does a little. But that's stupid, because he's with Lucy now, and she's amazing. They're great together and it's all so annoying. I mean they don't call people by name. They don't call anyone by name, French-fry guy -- I don't know who that is. That could be you. LOGAN: So what happened? RORY: What do you mean? LOGAN: Well he must have said or done something right to make you think he's still into you. RORY: I don't know. He said I was beautiful. To me, he said it. LOGAN: Well can't blame the guy for that. You are beautiful. RORY: The way he said it. LOGAN: Right. RORY: Yeah. LOGAN: So what? You guys have been hanging out? RORY: No. No, I mean, just when he's around with Lucy. LOGAN: So you have been hanging out. RORY: Just with Lucy. LOGAN: So why the secrecy? RORY: I told you, I was caught off guard. LOGAN: No, with me. Why did you never mention that you and Marty were hanging out again? RORY: Oh I just didn't think it mattered. LOGAN: Well you're not the secret-keeping type. Of course that is before I knew you were Rory "high-stakes deception" Gilmore. RORY: No, it wasn't a secret. I mean, I didn't tell you. That's it. I swear. I mean I didn't not tell you. I just didn't think there was anything to tell. LOGAN: Well, you have to tell Lucy. RORY: I know. I will. Just I need to figure out the right time and way to do it. I just don't want to screw anything up. LOGAN: A little brotherly advice -- tell her sooner rather than later. RORY: Yeah, I will. I'll figure something out. We don't have to go to dinner with them though. I can cancel that. LOGAN: No, it's fine. We can go to dinner. Unless there's something on your end. RORY: No. Logan, god, no. LOGAN: Good. Then let's go to dinner. RORY: Okay. LOGAN: Really, they charge 10 bucks for this? RORY: Hum [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE - BED ROOM [Lorelai and Chris are in bed in each other arms.] CHRISTOPHER: Let's make a baby. LORELAI: What do you mean? CHRISTOPHER: Seriously. LORELAI: Christopher. CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: What are you talking about? CHRISTOPHER: Why not? LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: Why not? LORELAI: Because we haven't talked about it at all -- ever. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, well, let's talk about it. LORELAI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: You want another kid, don't you? LORELAI: Oh, god. Uh, I don't know. I, um... sure, maybe. CHRISTOPHER: Me too. And, you know, last one turned out pretty good, so... LORELAI: Last one didn't turn out pretty good. Last one came out and a lot of work went into getting her to pretty good. CHRISTOPHER: You're right. You're right. I'm -- I'm sorry. LORELAI: It's okay. CHRISTOPHER: No, you're right. You're absolutely right. But, um, it's different now. We're adults. We're married. It'd be easier. LORELAI: Yeah. I guess. I don't know. I think... I want... another... kid. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, well, we're on the same page. Let's go for it. LORELAI: [Chris starts to kiss Lorelai] Honey... Chris... honey... seriously -- seriously, I don't want to go for it right now. CHRISTOPHER: Why not? LORELAI: Why not? We just got married. I mean, Gigi's not even back from France. CHRISTOPHER: So you don't want to because of Gigi? LORELAI: No, I mean, it's not because of Gigi CHRISTOPHER: Because financially, we're good. We're set. We could have a thousand kids, feed them, send them to Harvard undergrad, law school. LORELAI: No, I know. CHRISTOPHER: Do you not think we'll work? LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: Because if that's what you're thinking, I mean it's a little late. LORELAI: Oh, my god, no. That's not what I'm thinking. That's not what I'm thinking at all. CHRISTOPHER: What are you thinking? LORELAI: I just -- what is this? What is the rush? Why right now? [Chris exhales like he doesn't believe Lorelai.] Chris. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. No, it's fine. LORELAI: Honey... CHRISTOPHER: No, you're right. We should we should wait. We should. You're right. [Chris turns over with his back to Lorelai and goes to sleep] LUKE'S DINER - DAYTIME LUKE: Cesar, what time you got? CAESAR: 10 after 2:00. LUKE: As soon as April gets here, we're gonna have to run, 'cause we're gonna miss the movie. CAESAR: I'm feeling you. LUKE: Stop feeling me. KIRK: So business has been going like gangbusters. LUKE: Congratulations. KIRK: Yeah, I'm destroying those Stars Hollow middle school kids. Destroying -- outselling them by three or four times. I think it's safe to say they won't be getting their new gym anytime soon. LUKE: You must be very proud. KIRK: I am. Sure there's been an increase in prank phone calls, but so what? I can answer the phone all day long. LUKE: I'm sure. KIRK: And so they've ordered pizzas to my house day and night. You know what? I love pizza. Bring it on. They think they're intimidating me, but I'm not scared. LUKE: 12-year-olds don't scare you. KIRK: Not at all. JACOB: Kirk! KIRK: I thought I told you to get lost. JACOB: We want to talk. [Short pause] KIRK: So talk. JACOB: Not here. Outside. KIRK: All right. Let's go. [Luke picks up his pack of wrapping paper] But I'm warning you -- if it gets physical, I will show no mercy. [Luke calls Anna, who is wrapping things fro Christmas.] ANNA: Hello? LUKE: Hey, Anna, it's Luke. ANNA: Yeah. LUKE: Yeah I was just wondering if April took off. She's not here yet, and she's never late. I'm just getting a little worried. ANNA: April's fine. LUKE: Is she on her way? ANNA: No, she's not coming. LUKE: What does that mean? ANNA: Luke, you can't just come to my house, threaten me, and then expect me to send April off to see you. LUKE: Look, things got a little heated the other night. ANNA: Yes they certainly did, and I'm not comfortable with April being with you right now. LUKE: Anna, wait... ANNA: No, Luke, I won't, because this is my decision. Goodbye. [Luke looks at the phone and is a little mad] MILDRED MANOR BALLROOM [Lorelai, Chris, Emily and Randall are there.] RANDALL: So we moved away from a literal theme as per our star's request. LORELAI: Star -- that's me. CHRISTOPHER: [sounding a little annoyed] Yeah, I got it. RANDALL: But we did manage to squeeze some favorite colors out of her, didn't we. LORELAI: Yellow, like my sunny disposition. RANDALL: Eh, eh, eh. Not yellow. Buttercup and buttercream. LORELAI: Do you like buttercream and buttermilk, honey or would you like a nondairy color? RANDALL: Please say you like them. CHRISTOPHER: It's fine. RANDALL: So of course this area will be for the tables, as discussed. The orchestra -- excuse me -- band will be over there. And obviously, the dance floor is right here. LORELAI: Actually, I'm morally opposed to dancing, so that's not gonna work for me. CHRISTOPHER: She's just kidding. LORELAI: [Giggles] RANDALL: Aha. EMILY: I'm so glad you're here. Maybe you can help keep Lorelai's snarkiness in check. CHRISTOPHER: Let's see what he's got planned. RANDALL: So we still have to decide on the score. Have you made a list of your favorite music? LORELAI: No list necessary. It's going to be Burt Bacharach and nothing but. RANDALL: Really? CHRISTOPHER: We'll make a list. RANDALL: Wonderful. LORELAI: [Too Chris] Hey, you okay? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. I'm fine. RANDALL: Now, for the fish course, I believe we have either a Pouilly Fuissé or a Muscat, if you go with the salmon, and I do think you should go with the salmon. EMILY: Agreed. Now, as far as the vows go... LORELAI: [Coughs] I'm sorry. The vows? EMILY: Wedding vows. LORELAI: Ah what are you talking about? EMILY: They can be traditional, or you can write your own, which seems to be the style now day, although if you ask me it's rather garish. Cecily Pendelem's daughter actually promised to cook her husband lasagna once a month. Who wants to hear the word "lasagna" at a wedding? LORELAI: Well you make a good point but this is not a wedding. It's just a party. EMILY: A party to celebrate a marriage, which is why a simple exchange of vows is entirely appropriate. LORELAI: Mom, we agreed to a party, okay? Just a party. EMILY: A wedding is a party. LORELAI: Yes, but we are already married. EMILY: Yes, and no one got to witness it. Did it ever occur to you that your father and I might like to see our only child get married? LORELAI: [Begging voice] Christopher? CHRISTOPHER: I don't think it's such a bad idea. LORELAI: What? [Emily looks on very happy] CHRISTOPHER: Might be kind of nice. LORELAI: Wait a minute. Is this an ambush and you guys ambushing me? EMILY: No one is ambushing you, Lorelai. The idea of your exchanging vows in front of all your family and friends isn't so outrageous. LORELAI: Mom, the whole reason we eloped is to avoid the wedding thing. CHRISTOPHER: Ah now that's not the reason we eloped, we eloped because we love each other and we wanted to get married. LORELAI: Well you know what I mean. CHRISTOPHER: No, I don't. LORELAI: Chris. CHRISTOPHER: What is the big deal? LORELAI: The big deal is I don't want to do it and we're already married. CHRISTOPHER: So that's it. LORELAI: Well... CHRISTOPHER: I don't even know why I'm here. It's not like my opinion really matters. LORELAI: Of course it does. CHRISTOPHER: You're gonna do what you want to do. House, wedding, kids -- it's all your call, right? EMILY: Are you talking about having more children? LORELAI: Thank you. EMILY: Wait! Are you pregnant? LORELAI: No. CHRISTOPHER: That's nice. LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: You don't have to act like it's the most horrible thing in the world. LORELAI: Can we not talk about this now? CHRISTOPHER: Why you don't want to be spur-of-the-moment? Lets discuss things. EMILY: Randall perhaps we should give them some privacy. RANDALL: Of course. LORELAI: What is wrong with you? CHRISTOPHER: What's wrong with you? LORELAI: You're airing all our business in front of my mother of all people. CHRISTOPHER: What is your problem with a wedding? LORELAI: We're already married. CHRISTOPHER: Exactly, so what's the big deal? You planned a huge wedding with that diner guy. LORELAI: [mocking voice] "That diner guy"? CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry should I be more respectful to the guy who punched me in the face? LORELAI: Is that what this is about? CHRISTOPHER: No, this is about us. At least that's what I thought, but apparently it's just about you. LORELAI: What is that supposed to mean? CHRISTOPHER: You know what? I'm going back to work. LORELAI: No, no. Christopher, hey. LAWYER'S OFFICE [Luke and the lawyer] LAWYER: So you want to sue for custody. LUKE: No, I don't want to sue her. I just want... [gets a note from his pocket] this or something like this. LAWYER: You want partial custody. LUKE: Is that what that is? LAWYER: Yeah. LUKE: Yeah, fine. Then I want partial custody. LAWYER: Then you have to sue for it. LUKE: Really? LAWYER: Really. But you're not gonna get this. LUKE: Why not? LAWYER: From everything you've just told me, this is a best-case scenario, and I'm not really in the best-case-scenario business. LUKE: What does that mean? LAWYER: It means you haven't been in April's life for the past 12 years. LUKE: But that wasn't my fault. I didn't know she existed. LAWYER: Doesn't matter. LUKE: How can it not matter? LAWYER: Because she has a history with her mother. This is not about what you want, Luke. This is not about what Anna wants. The court only cares what's best for April, and in these types of cases, they almost always side with the mother. LUKE: So what can I do? LAWYER: You can fight. You can make your case. LUKE: Okay. LAWYER: Okay. What about Anna's history? LUKE: Anna's? LAWYER: Any police records? Incidents? LUKE: Uh, no. LAWYER: Erratic behavior? Drugs? Alcohol? LUKE: I don't think so. LAWYER: So you don't know. Well we'll look into it. What about you? LUKE: Hmm? LAWYER: Any record? LUKE: No. Well, yes, actually. I beat up this guy's car this -- this one time. It was no big deal. LAWYER: Did you attend anger-management classes? LUKE: No. LAWYER: Would you be willing to? LUKE: I don't need to. LAWYER: You might. LUKE: Look... I don't want this to get ugly. I just want what's fair. LAWYER: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair. The truth is this will be long, it will be expensive, it will be unpleasant, and you'll probably lose. But if you want your daughter, it's the only way. And time is of the essence here, because once Anna moves April out of state, it becomes infinitely more complicated. [Luke looks worried] PANCHALI'S RESTAURANT [Lucy, Marty, Logan and Rory are having dinner] LUCY: So I beg and plead with him, he says he'll try and come but I'm afraid he won't, and I just can't wait any longer. So I take the ticket, and I go running off. I run all the way back to the theater. When I get there, I burst through the doors. There's sweat pouring off of me and I'm gasping for breath. LOGAN: And everybody's gone? LUCY: No, the director is still there. LOGAN: No! LUCY: I know, right. MARTY: [Too Rory] Can you pass the Raita? RORY: Sure. LUCY: So I say to him, "you have to let me audition." And he says, "you can't audition, because the auditions are over." And I say, "the auditions can't be over, because I haven't auditioned yet." And he says, "you're two hours too late." And I say, "that's because I was in a traffic accident, and I have the cop to prove it." Just as I'm about to say, "and he'll be here any minute," and, you know, not really believing it, officer Frick comes waltzing through the door. LOGAN: No! LUCY: Like Fred Astaire. LOGAN: Officer Frick came through. LUCY: Officer Frick came through. LOGAN: So you got the part? LUCY: Oh, no. I was totally wrong for it. But officer Frick introduced me to his nephew Drew, and we went out a few times, so that was cool. LOGAN: Lucy, hands down that is the best "dedicated to my craft" story I've ever heard. LUCY: Why, thank you. LOGAN: Hard-working and beautiful -- she's something special. You got yourself a good one here, Marty. MARTY: Thanks. LUCY: Oh Rory's got way better stories than I do. LOGAN: Did she ever tell you about the time she drove out to her English lit professor's house in Albany to replace the last page of her final? RORY: Well it was in the wrong font, and I got an "A" on that paper. LOGAN: Wasn't that the professor who had a crush on you? LUCY: Hey! Are you saying that she didn't deserve the "A"? LOGAN: I'm just saying the woman is the object of many strange crushes. RORY: Oh, that's not true. LOGAN: The oddball who works at Baskin-Robbins? She can't walk within a block of the place without the guy running out with a triple scoop of mint chocolate chip. RORY: So not true. LUCY: [Laughs] Hey, she's something special. RORY: Hey you know I put four pages of endnotes on that final. I deserved that "A." LOGAN: I'm not saying you're not dedicated to your schoolwork. You're the hardest worker I know, see I was always about doing just enough, or maybe a little less. LUCY: Well, look at you now, Mr. Slaving away. LOGAN: It's true. My rep is ruined. LUCY: Boyfriend works insanely hard. LOGAN: Is that true, Marty? MARTY: I just have a couple jobs. LUCY: Four! The man has four jobs. And a full class load. It's nuts! Right, Rory? RORY: It does seem a bit excessive. MARTY: It's not four. LUCY: Four. Rory? RORY: I think so. LUCY: Finnegan's, the bookstore, tutoring, and landscaping. MARTY: The landscaping is seasonal. I haven't done that for months. LUCY: But you will, and that will be four. LOGAN: That's a lot of jobs, my boy. MARTY: Hey, I'm just waiting for that trust fund to kick in. [Rory's napkin falls on the floor] I got it. There. RORY: Thanks. LOGAN: So how did you two meet? LUCY: Tell him. MARTY: What? LUCY: Tell him! MARTY: Why? LUCY: He stalked me. LOGAN: That's charming. LUCY: I was playing Portia in "The Merchant of Venice" at the rep, and every night, I see this guy in the front row -- same seat, same intense gaze. And after the fifth show, I went up to him and I said, "next time I see you, you better bring flowers or have a knife and stab me." And... MARTY: The next time I saw her, I had daisies and a butter knife. LUCY: [Laughs] LOGAN: Sweet. LUCY: I can't believe I don't even know this. How did you two meet? LOGAN: Actually, Marty introduced us. LUCY: What? LOGAN: I'm sorry. I can't be a part of this. LUCY: A part of what? RORY: Logan. LOGAN: They've known each other since freshman year. LUCY: I don't understand. LOGAN: Rory and Marty, they used to hang out all the time at Branford and watch "Duck Soup." LUCY: What are you talking about? W-what is he talking about? MARTY: Lucy... LUCY: You guys know each other? RORY: Yes. MARTY: It was freshman year. It's no big deal. LUCY: You've been keeping this from me? Why? I-I don't understand. You guys are friends? You know each other? RORY: I'm sorry, Lucy. MARTY: We just didn't think... LUCY: So you both have been lying to me about this? I don't understand. Why? For what? MARTY: I don't know. LUCY: Oh, my god. This is so messed up. I have to go. MARTY: Lucy...[Followers her out] RORY: What is wrong with you? LOGAN: I was asked a direct question. I'm not gonna lie. She's a nice girl. RORY: Yeah, I know she's a nice girl. She's my friend. LOGAN: You were gonna tell her anyway. RORY: Not here. Not like this. You totally humiliated her. LOGAN: Lucy's humiliated because of what you and Marty did to her, not me. I told her the truth, which is something she could use more of from her supposed friend and her boyfriend. RORY: I can't believe you're trying to justify this. What you did was so obnoxious. LOGAN: I was just being honest. I'm just gonna head back into the city tonight. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow. RORY: Fine. DRAGONFLY INN - LINEN CLOSET [Lorelai is counting, her cell phone rings] LORELAI: [Goes to the phone] Ooh. [Answers the phone] Hi. 143. RORY: What? LORELAI: I want to talk to you, but I'm gonna lose count, so remember 143. RORY: 143 what? LORELAI: Soaps. RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: Inventory. RORY: At the inn? LORELAI: No, at the pentagon. I'm tracking soaps and nuclear missiles for general Abizaid. RORY: Isn't it a little late? LORELAI: The general's a slave driver. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Well it had to get done at some point, so I thought I'd do it at this point. I count better at night. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: So what's going on? I thought it was an all-Logan week. RORY: It was. LORELAI: Was? RORY: Boys suck. LORELAI: Oh, hon. RORY: They totally suck. LORELAI: Sometimes they do. RORY: Tell me it gets better when they get older. LORELAI: It gets better when they get older. RORY: It does? LORELAI: Well, it gets more confusing, more complicated, and more complex. Does any of that sound better? RORY: No. LORELAI: So what happened? RORY: It was awful. We went to dinner with Lucy and Marty, and I told him everything beforehand -- about how Marty pretended that we didn't know each other and I just had to go with it. LORELAI: Uh-oh. RORY: Yeah. So right in the middle of dinner, he decides that he can't lie to Lucy, and he tells her Marty and I have known each other since freshman year. LORELAI: Yikes! RORY: I know. Who does that, right? Right in the middle of dinner. He has no reason to be jealous. I mean, he knows that I love him. LORELAI: Of course he does. RORY: So why would he do it? LORELAI: I have no idea. Mars and Venus, you know? RORY: Yeah, see, I don't think that's right. Because Mars and Venus are both planets, right? So they have something in common. I think it's more like Mars and a bowl of soup. LORELAI: Venus and a bowl of soup. RORY: What? LORELAI: Venus is the woman. Venus and a bowl of soup. RORY: Really, mom? LORELAI: Well, I'm just saying. So um, how's Lucy? RORY: I don't know. Not good. She ran out. And I've been trying to call her, but she won't answer her phone. I don't blame her I mean wouldn't want to talk to me right now. LORELAI: Oh, she'll be fine. She probably just needs time to cool down, you know. RORY: Yeah, I hope so. I mean, I feel terrible. LORELAI: Of course you do. You want to come home? I'm about to start counting dust ruffles. RORY: No. I should actually probably go over there and try, you know? See if she'll talk to me in person. LORELAI: All right. Let me know what happens. RORY: Yeah, I will. 143. LORELAI: Ah, thank you. Sorry boys suck. RORY: Yeah, stupid bowls of soup. CASEY'S BAR - NIGHT [Chris is drinking alone, the bar is empty, "The Joker" is playing. The bar tender comes and give Chris the tab, Chris pays, then leaves] STARS HOLLOW - TOWN SQUARE NIGHT [Chris walks to his car from the bar. Chris sees Luke's truck pulls up outside the diner and he gets out, the guy's lock eyes "Show down in Stars Hollow" style. Chris starts to walk toward Luke, Luke waits a few seconds and starts heading to Chris. Chris rips of his scarf and Luke takes of his leather jacket. Chris swings and misses Luke, Luke hits Chris and he goes down! Luke throws him against a Christmas display, which falls over. Chris tackles Luke and they wrestle on the ground. They get up and wrestle some more before Luke gets in 2 more punches sending Chris to the ground. They are both breathing heavily. Chris gets up and charges Luke "Ungh!", sending them into the Christmas tree. It is knocked over and "We wish you a merry Christmas" starts to play from the display. Chris gets up and jumps Luke and they wrestle some more. They both struggle to get up. "Deck the halls" starts to play. They both circle and eye each other off before walking away] YALE - HALLWAY [Rory knocks on Lucy's door] RORY: Hey. Is Lucy here? OLIVIA: She's here. RORY: Can I see her? OLIVIA: She doesn't want to see you right now, and, to be honest, neither do I. RORY: Olivia, just let me explain, please. OLIVIA: No. [Olivia shuts the door, Rory walks away starting to cry] LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Night, Lorelai drives up, gets out of her Jeep and goes to the house] EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, my god! Mom, you scared me half to death. What are you doing here? EMILY: I want to talk to you, Lorelai. LORELAI: Ugh. Is this about the party? Because I've had a really long day, and I don't want to talk about the party. EMILY: It's not about the party. I've come to talk to you about your marriage. LORELAI: My marriage? EMILY: Yes, I'm concerned. I don't like what I'm seeing, and I've come to offer you some friendly advice. LORELAI: Mom, I really don't want your advice. EMILY: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: Christopher is immature, often foolish, and a little lacking in common sense. He doesn't always make the best choices. LORELAI: Like with me? Are you saying he chose wrongly in choosing me? EMILY: I'm saying he's your husband, Lorelai, for better or for worse. I like Christopher. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: I think he's good for you. But it's not going to be perfect. He's not perfect, and god knows you're not perfect. But marriage is not about always being happy, and often it's about not being happy at all. It's about compromise, which is not your strong suit. Marriage is about swallowing your pride sometimes, about doing what he wants. It's not about winning an argument, which may make you sad, because that's what you love. But I don't want to see you ruin this. Marriage is serious business, Lorelai, and if you don't take this very seriously, then this whole thing could fall apart faster than you could possibly imagine. And he'll be gone, and you'll be alone again. A ring is no guarantee. [They exchange looks for a second] Sorry for scaring you. [Emily leaves Lorelai to think about it]	Plan: A: Earth; Q: On what planet is there peace? A: The Yuletide; Q: What episode finds everyone spoiling for a fight? A: Rory; Q: Who fought Lucy? A: Logan; Q: Who does Rory fight? A: Luke; Q: Who fought Anna? A: Christopher; Q: Who does Lorelai fight? A: the local middle-school kids; Q: Who did Kirk fight? Summary: Peace on Earth. The Yuletide finds everyone spoiling for a fight: Rory vs. Logan, Rory vs. Lucy, Luke vs. Anna, Luke vs. Christopher, Lorelai vs. Christopher, and Kirk vs. the local middle-school kids.
[Scene: A toy store window. The camera is panning across a miniature city they have set up in the window. The camera goes from building to building and finally pans out to see Joey looking in the widow at the display with Eddie.] Joey: [Voice Over] Once upon a time in a galaxy not entirely unlike our own, there was a girl. There was nothing extraordinary about this girl. She was by her own estimation a relatively simple sort, yet she was cursed. For as long as she could remember, her romantic life had been something of a disaster. Boys either fell too hard, too fast, or not at all. She had long since given up on the notion of a functional relationship, which is why, in the winter of her 19th year, she was surprised to find herself in the company of a boy who made her feel as if the curse had been lifted... if only temporarily. Joey: [Joey humming] Heh heh he so...chocolate or vanilla? Eddie: Chocolate. Joey: Cake or pie? Eddie: Pie. Joey: Coke or Pepsi? Eddie: Coke. Joey: Christmas or Halloween? Eddie: Halloween. Joey: That settles it. We have nothing in common. Eddie: Well, the sx is good. Joey: Please, I had better sx in elementary school. Eddie: Ok. Are we done with this month's Cosmo compatibility test? Can we just get on with our lives? Joey: M! Not so fast. I have one more question. Eddie: Ok, shoot. Joey: Christmas in Boston in your squalid little apartment or Christmas in Capeside with yours truly? Eddie: Heh heh. Joey: I just said that out loud, didn't I? Eddie: Yeah, pretty much. Joey: Wow. I just crossed a line into that world where girls pressure their boyfriends into doing stuff with them, and then-- I just referred to you as my boyfriend. I'm a mess. I apologize. Eddie: Apology accepted. Joey: You know... actually... Eddie, I take that back. I want you to meet my dysfunctional family. I want you to help me convince my retarded sister that we should buck tradition and throw out our stupid fake Christmas tree and get a real one for a change. Is--is that wrong? Eddie: Ok. First of all, I have a dysfunctional family all my own, so I won't be celebrating with a TV dinner under a bare bulb, if that's what you're worried about. And second-- I don't know if it's such a good idea at this juncture. Joey: What juncture is that? Eddie: Well, the juncture of too much and too soon. Joey: We're even, then. Eddie: What does that mean? Joey: [Giggles] It means that clearly I'm a typical girl and, based on what you just said, you're very much a typical guy. Eddie: Hey, you know, meeting the family's a huge deal, especially this time of year. I mean, I'd probably have to put on some kind of a sweater. You know, like a holiday sweater. And I gotta tell you, I hate sweaters. I look stupid in sweaters. Joey: I bet you look very nice in sweaters. Eddie: All right, pencil me for president's weekend. I'll be there. I promise. Joey: Fine. But don't think we're ever having sx again. Eddie: Heh heh heh! Joey: What? Eddie: What a typical girl, using sx as a weapon. Joey: Shut up. Eddie: You're very pretty. Have I told you that? Joey: Sucking up will get you nowhere. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. Joey is packing a bag, when Audrey comes into the room and surprises Joey who wasn't expecting her.] Audrey: Allow me to count the ways in which I suck. Joey: What happened? Audrey: I missed my flight, which, to the best of my knowledge, only happens in the movies, but apparently not. Apparently, it can happen in real life, too, especially when you spend too much time in the airport bar letting creepy Willy Loman types buy you drinks. Joey: Isn't it a little early to be knocking 'em back, Audrey? Even for you? Audrey: Drinking doesn't count on days when you fly. You know, I always have to get sauced to fly the friendly skies, you know. It helps keep the voices down in my head that tell me I'm seconds away from plummeting to my death. Joey: I don't know, Audrey. You better be careful. You might be spending the next semester in rehab. Audrey: No, rehab, rehab is for quitters. Joey: Ok, so what's the plan? Audrey: Well, I couldn't get another flight out until tomorrow. Christmas on a plane. Whoo, mama. Joey: So why don't you come home with me? Audrey: No. Really, I can't. I'll be fine. Joey: Audrey, I'm not letting you spend the majority of Christmas day drunk on an airplane with a motley assortment of sad travelers. Audrey: To tell the truth, it sounds way better than intruding on someone else's holiday. Joey: Look, you wouldn't be intruding on anyone's holiday. Trust me. Dawson's mom is inviting everyone to Christmas dinner, which...sounds like a recipe for disaster, but at least we'll all be together. Audrey: I don't know, Joey. Ok, it seems like the only thing that I have accomplished this semester is alienating everyone. You know, and now, all of a sudden, I'm your friggin' Christmas charity case. And let's not forget the fact that I've already done the Capeside thing, and quite frankly, it was a stultifying bore. Joey: Well, you're preaching to the choir on that one, but you're still coming with me. Audrey: I don't know. Joey: My father's gonna be there. Audrey: Can I ask him about prison? Joey: If you want. Audrey: All right, you talked me into it. Joey: It'll be fun, I promise. Audrey: All right. Better be. Joey: I'll be back. [Joey goes into the bathroom, and Audrey grabs a bottle of alcohol out of her bag and takes a quick swig] [Scene: Outside the Witter Household. Pacey comes pulling up to the house in a new BMW convertible. Doug is outside and sees her, and is surprised to see that it is Pacey driving.] Doug: Pacey, is that you? Pacey: Merry Christmas, Dougie. Doug: Yeah, right back at ya. Now, if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me what you did with my little brother? Pacey: I murdered that punk and stuffed his body into a dumpster behind the red lobster in Centerville. Doug: Yeah, good to know. Well, you look, uh... Pacey: Hip, handsome, hetero? Doug: I was gonna slick, sleazy, and smarmy, but sure. Pacey: Ok. Your sexuality, on the other hand, is just as dubious as ever. Good to see that some things never change, Doug. Doug: What happened to the mustang? Pacey: It made for a most excellent trade-in. [Opens the trunk and it is full of gift.] And, uh, you think you can give me a hand with all this stuff? Doug: Jeez, Pacey! Don't tell me somebody actually had the poor sense to give you a credit card? Pacey: Well, you seem to forget, man, I actually work for a living. Doug: Oh, right. So you finally bailed on the cooking thing and got yourself a nice little crack cocaine franchise. Pacey: If only it were that glamorous. No, I'm a working stiff much like yourself. Except for that when you go home at night and you have the nice warm satisfaction of knowing you've made the world a better place, I just have a big, fat stinking wad of cash. Ain't life grand? Doug: Ha ha ha! [Scene: Dawson's House. Dawson is decorating the tree, when Natasha leans over and plants a huge kiss on him.] Dawson: What was that for? Natasha: Must you question my every impulse, my every romantic whim? If you must know, it was simply a thank you. Dawson: For what? Natasha: Oh, for taking me deep in the heartland for an old-school American Christmas, for introducing me to your mother, who I must say is quite a trip, and for just being you. I's a lucky girl, Dawson. Dawson: Did my mom ever stop grilling you? Natasha: Not so much, no. I think she's curious about my intentions. Dawson: What'd you tell her? Natasha: Well, I said, aside from banging in the new year with her one and only son, I didn't much know or care. Dawson: Nicely put. Natasha: Mm-hmm. Dawson: Heh! Do you think she's safe in there with Todd? Natasha: Oh, I don't think anyone's safe from a drunk and horny Todd. I'll go pry them apart. Dawson: Thank you. [She goes into the kitchen and Gale comes out to join Dawson] Gale: Ah, well, that Natasha is a trip. Dawson: That's, uh, one way of putting it. Gale: So, uh, what's the deal with you two? Dawson: Whatever do you mean, mother? Gale: Well, is it serious? Is she like your girlfriend, or is this some kind of casual sx thing? Dawson: Ok, first of all, that's disgusting. That's--second, I have no idea. I don't know. I'm in a relationship, and I have no idea where it's headed or how to define it. Gale: Hmm. And that's ok with you? Dawson: I don't really have a choice in the matter. It's just... Gale: What, the way they do things in California? Dawson: Uh, yeah, apparently. Gale: Hmph. Well, if someone had told me the day would come when my son would be bringing home his movie star girlfriend and some big-time director for Christmas, I would've laughed in their face. Dawson: Yeah, me too, probably. Gale: You know who'd get a kick out of this, don't you? Your father. Dawson: Yeah. God, he'd have loved it. Gale: Although I don't think he'd enjoy watching your boss hit on me. [Todd and Natasha come into join them. Todd is carrying a tray of the eggnog he made.] Todd: Now snag your eggnog. Gale: I'll take those. Todd: Me mum's favorite recipe. Here, get some of that down ya. [Dawson takes a swig, and sees that Todd has really spiked the eggnog] Bloody hell, Leery, didn't I teach you how to drink better than that? Gale: Uh, well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on our dinner. Natasha: Do you need any help, Mrs. Leery? Gale: Uh, no, but you could keep me company, and you can tell me all about working with Max Winter. Is he like beautiful in person or... [Gale and Natasha go into the kitchen] Todd: Speaking of all things beautiful, your mom's quite a handsome woman Leery. Do you mind if I have a go at her? Dawson: What? [Scene: A montage of scenes. First is Dawson, Gale, Lilly, Todd and Natasha sitting in the living room by the fireplace. Next is Jen and Grams in Church sitting alone together. Followed by the Potter B&B. Joey, Bessie, Alexander, Mr. Potter, and Brodie are all sitting by the fireplace and setting up the Christmas tree and moving gifts around. Audrey is watching them, while she sits alone by the window. She looks outside into the darkness. ] [Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey is asleep in bed, when Alexander comes running into the room, and begins trying to shake Joey awake] Alexander: Auntie Jo, Auntie Jo. It's Christmas. Joey: Unh. Alexander. Honey, I know you're excited and all, but it's way too early to open gifts. Alexander: Noooo. [Continues to shake her] Joey: Oh, be nice to auntie Joey. She's very tired. Her crazy friend Audrey kept her up all night. [Mr. Potter comes into the doorway, and stands there looking at them, and then Alexander runs off into the other room.] Mr. Potter: Joey. Joey: I know. Coming. What does a girl have to do to get some sleep around here? Mr. Potter: Well, merry Christmas, to you, too, sweetheart. Joey: Oh, sorry, dad. Merry Christmas. Well, I guess we should get to it, then. Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old on Christmas morning. Mr. Potter: Not so fast. There's someone waiting for you at the door. Joey: Well, who is it? Mr. Potter: I don't know. If I were you, I wouldn't keep him waiting much longer. He looks a little nervous. [She gets up, and Mr. Potter leaves. She reaches over and grabs a sweater and heads to the front door, taking notice of the fake Christmas tree on the way. She opens the door to see Eddie standing outside next to his car. As she walks out onto the porch she sees that he has a real tree tied to the top of his car, and a huge smile crosses her face.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Potter B&B. Audrey is in the bathroom going through the medicine cabinet, then closes it, and looks at herself in the mirror and takes another swig from her now almost empty bottle of alcohol. She then heads out into the front room where she finds Mr. Potter. We can tell in the way that she is talking that she is already drunk.] Audrey: [Sighs] Nobody likes you. You are a loser. And don't forget it. [She heads out into the front room.] Audrey: Hey! Where's Tony and Maria? Mr. Potter: Out on the porch. Audrey: Ohh. Ditched for the boyfriend yet again. Mr. Potter: What do we know about this guy, Audrey? Audrey: Hmm. Chip on his shoulder, blue on his collar. I don't know. Joey seems to like him. Mr. Potter: Is it serious? Audrey: Oh, well, like a heart attack, because you see, Eddie seems to be able to incorporate all the best elements of Pacey and Dawson, so it's like the t-1000 of love interests. Mr. Potter: Interesting. Audrey: Quid pro quo, Mr. Potter. What can you tell me about prison? [Scene: Outside on the porch. Joey and Eddie are outside and Joey is wrapped up in Eddie's Arms, as they look at the sites talking together.] Joey: I was right, you know. Eddie: About what? Joey: You do look very nice in a sweater. Eddie: Yeah, well, I still hate 'em. Joey: So what made you change your mind? Eddie: I missed you. Joey: I missed you. Well, you can go now. I wouldn't want you to be at the critical juncture of too much too soon for too long. Eddie: Oh, shut up. Come here. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Potter: Ahem. Joey: Heh heh heh. Hi, dad. Mr. Potter: Your sister needs some help in the kitchen. Joey: I thought that's what Brodie was for. Oh. Are you gonna be ok out here? Eddie: Well, as long as your father promises to go easy on me. Mr. Potter: I'll be gentle, I promise. Eddie: I'm ok. Joey: Ok. [Joey goes inside leaving them alone. You can see the tension in the air.] Eddie: Ahem. It's beautiful out here, huh? Mr. Potter: Yeah, it is. So, uh, tell me about yourself, Eddie. Eddie: Sure. What do you want to know? Mr. Potter: Uh... where do you go to school? Eddie: I don't, actually. Mr. Potter: You graduate? Eddie: No. I never really went. College and I, it never really took, you know. Mr. Potter: Yeah, I see. So, what do you do for a living? Eddie: Well, I'm actually in between occupations at the moment. I was tending bar for a while, but that didn't work out. So I guess now I'm just take some time off, you know, figure out my next move. Mr. Potter: I see. Eddie: Hey, you know, your daughter is great, Mr. Potter. Mr. Potter: Yes, she is. [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. He putting some of his clothes away, and begins looking at the pictures of the gang on his wall, when Natasha comes into the room.] [Door opens] Natasha: Your mom is in the kitchen, your little sister is napping, Todd is passed out in the living room, and the rest of the guests aren't due to arrive for about another hour. Let's go, Dawson. You got work to do. [She throws him down on the bed and climbs on top of him] Dawson: Where are we going? Natasha: To heaven and hell and back again. We're gonna have sx in your childhood bedroom, a place where you've probably only had s*x with yourself. Dawson: Is it that obvious? Natasha: Doesn't take a rocket scientist. Dawson: Heh heh heh. The thought of doing it in this room doesn't creep you out just a little bit? Natasha: Hell, no. Turns me on. Let's go, citizen. [She begins kissing him and moving her way down his neck, but stops when Dawson is just lying there.] Natasha: [Sighs] What's wrong with you? Dawson: Nothing. Natasha: I'm not sensing the appropriate degree of enthusiasm. I don't seem to have your full attention here. Is it the whole childhood bedroom thing? Because I just thought that would add a nice splash of kink to the proceedings, but we don't have to do it. Dawson: No, it's not that. Natasha: Then what is it? Dawson: Max winter. Natasha: Well, no wonder you're not here with me, then. You're not supposed to be thinking about hunky matinee idols, Dawson. You trying to tell me something about your orientation, perhaps? Dawson: You know what I'm talking about. Natasha: [Sighs] Yes, I do. And while your jealousy is sweet and all, you have nothing to worry about. Max Winteris long gone. Dawson: You lied to me. Natasha: What are you talking about? Dawson: You lied to me. You said you were alone in your room watching TV. Natasha: Yeah. Dawson: I saw him leave your room. Natasha: So what's your point? Dawson: My point is it bothers me. Ok, look, I--I--I thought I could play the game and just keep my mouth shut, but I can't, ok? That's not who I am. I need to know what the hell we're doing. Natasha: We're having fun, Dawson. At least... that's what I thought we were doing. Dawson: That's crap. If it was just fun, you wouldn't have been so upset when you found out about Joey. Natasha: Well, I was just being dramatic. Dawson: Come on. I don't believe that for a second. Natasha: Believe it. It's all about ego, Dawson. No girl wants to be dumped by some guy that she's embarking on a fun little fling with, especially when he's the director's assistant. Dawson: So that's what this is to you-- is some fun little fling. Natasha: Ugh! Are you on your period right now, Dawson? Dawson: I just wasn't clear before, but now I am. You--I get it. You get some perverse little thrill out of screwing the help. Natasha: You know what? Heh. You crack me up, Dawson, because you stand here and you say these incredibly noble, incredibly self-aggrandizing things about how you don't want to play the game, when the truth is you brought me home for Christmas, and you can't tell me that you don't get some kind of perverse thrill out of showing me off to your friends and family. It's really quite a shame, Dawson, because they'll be a day when you're old and gray and not even the Viagra's doing it for you anymore, and you could've looked back fondly on that time you banged the living daylights out of that actress in your childhood bedroom while she still had her looks. But I guess that's what you get for thinking with your brain when you really should be thinking with your-- well, I think you know. [Door slams shut] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Dawson's House later that night. Joey and Eddie come walking up to the porch.] Joey: Thank you. Eddie: You're welcome. So, this is the guy from the no doubt concert who's also the same guy from the movie set? Joey: Dawson. Yeah. Eddie: Dawson. Right. Yeah, and why are we here again? Joey: Is it gonna be all right for you? Eddie: Yeah, I got no beef with the guy, and if he's got beef with me, you know, I think I could take him. Joey: Well I don't think it'll come to that, but it's good to know. Eddie: The question is, Jo, is that will it be weird for you? Joey: Well, yeah. I mean, that's just the way it is. That's the way it'll always be, but look, don't worry. We're gonna have a nice, civil Christmas dinner, and then we're out of here. Eddie: What, no dessert? I do like pie, you know. Joey: As I recall. I was hoping we could find some time to be alone tonight. Eddie: Yeah, well, you know, I have to spend some own time with my family, you know, but I was thinking maybe Joey: I'd love to. Eddie: You don't even know what I was gonna say. For all you know, you could be agreeing to an act of sexual congress. Joey: So you weren't asking me to come home with you. Eddie: No, I am. Joey: Well, like I said, I would love to. Eddie: Cool. And I promise my family will be a lot less intimidating. Joey: What do you mean? Eddie: Nothing. It's just, you know, is your dad always so hard on prospective suitors? Joey: Why? What did he say to you? Eddie: Nah, I'm just teasing. Forget it. Joey: I'm not gonna forget it. Eddie, if my dad was rude to you, I want to know about it. Eddie: You know what? He wasn't rude at all. He seems like a really great guy. [They go inside.] [Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Pacey and Doug comes pulling up to the house, and Doug is driving. They stop the car, and stay inside it talking to one another.] Doug: [Chuckles] Sweet ride, Pacey. Thanks for the test drive. Pacey: Any time. Isn't the navigation system amazing? Doug: Yeah, you're right. It's amazing. Pacey: Hey, do you think dad liked his palm pilot? 'Cause he didn't really seem all that excited. Doug: Well, I think he was a little overwhelmed, Pace. I think we all were. Pacey: Hey, there's one other thing I wanted to give you. [He pulls a box out of the glove compartment] I didn't want to break it out in front of the whole family, but check it out. Doug: Pacey, you have been extremely generous. I don't need anything else. Pacey: Oh, come on. Open it up. You're gonna like it. [Doug opens it to see a very expensive watch inside.] Doug: [Exhales] Pace, this--this is above and beyond. Pacey: Yeah, and, you see, now you can get rid of that one you've had since the Reagan administration. Doug: Hey, I'll tell ya, I love this watch, ok? It lights up and everything. Pacey: Sure, but can it tell you the time in Portugal? I think not. Doug: Pace, can I ask you something? Pacey: Sure. Doug: This job of yours, is it on the up and up? Pacey: "On the up and up"? You sound like you're 50 years old, Doug. You sound like dad. Doug: Look at it from my perspective, Pace. You come home with this new car, you got flashy new clothes, expensive gifts for the whole family. Excuse me if it seems just a little too good to be true. Pacey: Right, right. I forgot. Yet another reason why it sucks to be a Witter, 'cause you can't just be happy for me. You couldn't just, I don't know, say, be proud of me. You actually have to accuse me of being involved in some sort of illegal activity. Doug: Pacey, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just wondering how much you know about your place of employment, that's all. Pacey: What is this, man? You should be happy for me. Are you jealous or something? Is this about how much money I've been making? Doug: I don't know. Maybe you're right, Pace. Maybe I am jealous, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just worried about you. [Scene: Dawson's Bathroom. Audrey is going through the medicine cabinet and comes across some prescription bottles, and finds one and takes a pill from it. She swigs it down wit h a glass of water.] Audrey: [Hums Santa Claus is coming to town] Santa Claus is coming to town [She makes her way to the dining room where everyone is already there. She is staggering while walking showing she is really drunk now.] [People chatting] Audrey: So where the hell is Jack? Jen: Are you drunk? Audrey: Yes, but that does not explain where Jack is. Jen: In Europe with his dad and Andie. Audrey: Dope. [She sits down in the chair that Grams was just about to sit in.] Gale: Evelyn, would you like to say grace? Todd: I wouldn't mind leading us in prayer, Gale. [Todd is really drunk and luring a lot] Gale: Oh, well, that would be lovely, Todd. Thank you. Todd: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the birth of your son. Now I'm at a disadvantage here. Not knowin' any of you, I'm sure, know who I am. I am a filmmaker, celebrated on many continents, but I don't know any of you, which is a travesty because people like you, regular people, are my target audience. [He notices Jen sitting on the other end of the table] Todd: Except you, blondie. You look very familiar to me. Jen: You hit on me on a-- on a plane once from Boston to New York. Todd: Did we shag? Jen: No. Todd: Are you sure? Because I'm flashing on some sort of mile-high club activity. Jen: [Laughs] No, that wasn't me. Todd: Well, good, 'cause that'd be embarrassing. [He looks back to the ] Todd: Where was I? Oh, yes, the birth of Christ. Let me start with what I am thankful for. I am thankful for Gale... for inviting us into her lovely home. And I am thankful to her progeny Dawson. Progeny. Progeny. Her progeny Dawson. This kid has been an invaluable member of my production team. He's helped me through one of the roughest productions known to god and man, and I love him. I love him very much, Dawson. And the funny thing is he's managed to get himself involved in a sexual relationship with a beautiful woman, which reminds me of my first film actually, except she was what we call underage, so we don't talk about that. Dawson: Todd? Todd: Yes, Dawson? Dawson: Well, could we wrap it up? Todd: Forgive me. Forgive me, Gale. Mr. Potter: I, uh, have to say that I'm really impressed with what you've done with your life, Dawson. I mean, I've known this kid since he was running around making movies with a video camera. It's really amazing to see how far he's come. Dawson: Thank you, Mr. Potter. That means a lot. Mr. Potter: Maybe you guys have an opening for Eddie here. Dawson: You're looking for work, aren't you, Eddie? Todd: I like Eddie. We never found a replacement for Phil the P.A., Did we? Eddie: Yeah, well, film's not really my thing, but thanks for thinking about me, Mr. Potter. Mr. Potter: What is your thing, Eddie? Joey: Dad. Mr. Potter: What? I'm curious. Joey: No, you're not. You're being a dick. Mr. Potter: Joey. Audrey: Mr. Potter? Yes, Audrey? Can I ask you another question about prison? Mr. Potter: Sure, Audrey. Audrey: Yeah. So... why is it that you don't think Eddie's good enough for your daughter? Joey: Audrey. Back off. Audrey: What is your problem, princess? I was sticking up for Joe dirt over there. Pacey: This isn't gonna end well. Audrey: Would you shut up, Pacey? Pacey: You're out of line, Audrey. Audrey: Of course I am. Anyone messes with the one that got away, and you get all up on your high horse, don't you? Jen: Audrey. Audrey: Oh, excellent. Another party heard from. What's your problem, Lindley? Jen: I think you're the one with the problem. Audrey: Oh. Devilishly clever of you, Jen. Oh, honey, are you still upset that I shagged your dream boy? Because I am sorry about that. Jen: What are you even doing here? Audrey: I missed my flight, bitch, which is really terribly unfortunate because if you think that spending Christmas here on Walton mountain is my idea of a good time, then you all are about as high as I am right now. Gale: Audrey, why don't you go lay down? Audrey: Oh, you know, thanks for that, Gale, really, but I think I'm kind of just getting started here. Do any of you have any idea how incredibly hypocritical this whole little gathering is? I mean, I may be flying high on a pleasingly potent cocktail of vodka and painkillers-- and thank you, by the way, Gale, for the painkillers, but I seem to be seeing things a little bit clearer than any of you. Dawson. Pacey. You guys hate each other, don't you? You're never going to be able to-- to mend this little rift that exists between the two of you, so why do you even bother with the charade? And Dawson and Joey, [Audrey laughs] Here you are, both of you, all grown up and so very pleased with yourselves, and each with your little significant other by your side respectively, and while, you know, I will give you that it does make for a pretty picture, the truth of the matter is you guys finally slept together, and you've never really dealt with it, and neither of you are going to be able to have a relationship with anyone else until you just finally deal with your crap once and for all and-- as for you, Pacey, I am really sorry that Audrey Hepburn next to you broke your heart all those years ago, and it's prevented you from ever fully committing to an adult relationship, but you know what? Just grow up. Merry Christmas, scum suckers. Peace Out. [She gets up and storms out of the room.] Dawson: Well, that was fun. Todd: Merry Christmas. [She grabs Pacey's keys off the table by the door and storms outside. She makes her way over to Pacey's car, and is obviously very drunk now, even dropping the keys a couple of time trying to get into the car. She gets into the car stars it up.] [Car starts] [Car accelerates] Doug: Pacey, isn't that your car? [She pulls out quickly, and begins to pull around the house when she crashes into the house into the room next to the dining room where everyone is sitting] [Debris cracks] [Audrey climbs out of the car as everyone rushes to see if she is ok. She gets out with a little blood on her lips.] Audrey: Yeah. I kinda think I zagged when I should have zigged. [she walks over to the couch and throws herself down onto it.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Dawson's House on the porch. Doug and Pacey come outside to talk alone.] Doug: Pacey, do you have any idea what you're asking me to do here? Pacey: Yes, I'm asking you to keep her out of trouble and just make this go away. Doug: Listen to me, your girlfriend in there is in trouble. She needs some serious help. Pacey: Ok, look, she's not my girlfriend anymore, and right now she hates me, so she's not going to listen to anything I have to say to her. This is the only way I can help her, Doug. Doug: Did you ever think that it might actually be better for her if she does get into trouble for this? Pacey: That's ridiculous. I'm asking you for a favor here, and in my lifetime, I have not asked you for much, but I'm asking for this. Doug, do this for me, ok? Make it go away. Please, Doug. Doug: You willing to take all the blame for this? Pacey: Yes, absolutely. Doug: [Laughs] Pacey: What? What's so funny? Doug: No, nothing. Nothing. It's just that, um-- you know, you've given yourself quite the makeover, haven't you, Pace? You know, you've grown some facial hair, you got yourself a real job, nice car, fancy clothes, but you're still the same Pacey. You're still looking for a quick fix, aren't you? You want me to sweep this under the rug? Fine, I'll do that. I don't know what good that's gonna accomplish because Audrey is gonna live to drink and drive another day. And you know what? It may not end up so happy next time. Ok. If anybody asks, you did this. All right? New car, you lost control, you're a moron, people will believe you. Trust me. Pacey: Thank you. Doug: And I'll pay for whatever else needs taking care Pacey: Yeah, ,throw some money at it 'cause, you know, that fixes everything. Doug: Come on, Doug. What do you want from me? Pacey: No, I'm not done. You know, maybe I never told you this, Pacey, and if I didn't, I am so sorry, but last year, when you were a cook, I was proud of you. I was happy for you. I actually admired you, Pacey. There was something, I don't know, honest about it. Almost noble. Guess it didn't suit you, did it? [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Audrey is lying on his bed, as Jen is standing in the room watching over her.] Jen: [Sighs] How do you feel? Audrey: How do I look, Lindley? Jen: Like complete and utter crap. Audrey: [Snorts] Well, that sums it up nicely, thank you. Jen: Do you want me to call your parents? Audrey: No. Jen, if you do that, if you-- I swear I will make it my life's purpose to kick your ass all the way back to New York. Jen: Ok. Why are you so angry, Audrey? Audrey: Ok, dr. Melfi, you know, is this some sad attempt to impress C.J.? Because, you know, like, the last time I checked, he's not here. Jen: No, I was just trying to help you. Audrey: Well, don't. Ok? Just... pretend that I am too far gone, which isn't that far from the truth anyway. I just--I wanna be left alone, Jen. I'm so sick and tired of you people. You all say that you want to help, but it's all just... posturing, because none of you really noticed how screwed up I was until tonight. With friends like you, who needs enemas? [Jen leaves her alone.] [Scene: The stairwell by the front door. Natasha comes downstairs with her coat on, and her bags in her hands. She goes to put a note on the table by the door, when Dawson comes walking around the corner and sees her.] Dawson: Hey. Natasha: Hey. Dawson: Where are you going? Natasha: Back to L.A. My manager got me on the last flight out. Dawson: You're gonna leave just like that? Just like that. Listen, Natasha, I'm sorry for everything. Natasha: Don't be sorry. You were right about everything. I slept with Max Winter. Dawson: That's fantastic. Natasha: I'm just being honest. Isn't that what you wanted? Yeah. Dawson: Yes. Honestly, I mean, that's great. That's Natasha: Look, Dawson, I'm sorry if I was reckless with your emotions. I didn't mean to be. I thought we were having fun. I don't-- I don't love you. I never did. It was fun. Sleeping with you made me feel sexy and beautiful, and, to be honest, I never thought it would last much past wrap. Dawson: Yeah. Well... you know what? I don't love you either. Natasha: Of course you don't, silly. Listen, you're not built for this kind of relationship. It's kind of what I dig about you. I am too young and too self-absorbed to be entangled in something so serious, and if I'm too young, you're way too young. You know, you're gonna make some girl's dreams come true someday, in a big way, which is why I have to stop this now before I break your heart and turn you into a bitter cynic. Dawson: Don't flatter yourself. Natasha: [Whispering] Yeah. Merry Christmas, Dawson. Oh. Todd's passed out in the bathroom. I'm pretty sure he's still breathing, but you might want to hold a mirror up to his breath just to be sure. Dawson: Thanks. Natasha: [Whispering] Bye. [Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Joey and Eddie come walking outside and stop at the stairs at the end of the porch.] Eddie: So is this what all your Christmases are like, Joey Potter? Joey: Um, you know, not so much. Usually we smoke crack and worship Satan. This was pretty tame by comparison. Eddie: Uh, look. Joey: What? Eddie: I don't think you should come back with me, Joey. Joey: Why? Eddie: Because you have plenty of stuff to deal with right here. Joey: Why do I sense some subtext here? Eddie: You know, your father was kind of a jerk tonight. You know, but-- he wasn't altogether wrong about me. You know, I'm not the most together guy on the planet, Joey. Joey: Who asked you to be? Who even knows what that means? Eddie: It means that I should have trusted my gut. I shouldn't be here. Joey: Why? Eddie: Because it was-- it was all too much too soon. I shouldn't be dealing with a father who thinks I'm a loser. I shouldn't be dealing with all of the ghosts of relationships past. It's too much. You know, I--I-- we need to be in the here and now. Joey: Ok. Well, then, that's what we'll do. From now on, we'll be in the here and now, I promise. Ok? Eddie: You know, the same thing would have happened if you were at my house, you know. I mean, you'd meet my family, and they'd be very impressed, but also very suspicious because you are so damn beautiful, and they'd wonder, "what the hell is she doing with Eddie?" And after, when you were gone... they'd pull me aside and they'd say, "what the hell are you doing, kid? That girl's gonna break your heart." Joey: Eddie, I have no intention of breaking your heart. Eddie: Yeah. Merry Christmas, Joey. [She watches as Eddie leaves, and then turns to go back inside when she notices Dawson at the end of the pier.] [Scene: The end of the pier. Joey comes walking up to join Dawson who is standing at the end of the pier, leaning on the rail looking off into the water.] Joey: Didn't I sleep with you once and never talk to you again? Dawson: You know, I thought that was you. Joey: Sorry about that. Dawson: Don't worry about it. Happens to me all the time. Joey: So... some night, huh? Dawson: Yeah. Yeah. Kinda puts things into perspective. Joey: How do you mean? Dawson: Well, you know, if Audrey had managed to take us all out in a blaze of glory tonight, I'd hate to think that the last meaningful conversation you and I had was that one in your dorm room. Joey: Mmm. Yeah. She was right about one thing, though, you know. Dawson: What? Joey: We never really dealt with what happened. I don't know about you, but I kinda put it all into a little box and pushed it far, far away. Dawson: I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how it all went so wrong. Joey: I spend a lot of time trying to forget we ever meant anything to each other. Dawson: Fair enough. I deserve that, I guess. Joey: No, you don't, and the thing is, Dawson, it never works. A night like this, it does put things into perspective. See... I think sometimes it's easy for me to kind of hate you because I know that you're out there, and if anything ever happened to me or if I ever really needed you, you'd be there for me. It's true. Joey: Dawson, if that's true, then how come we only ever end up hurting each other? Dawson: Well, we're not hurting each other right now. Joey: Well... right now is an illusion, though. Right now it's a truce. But right now, I just want to stand here and talk to the one person who can maybe help me figure out how everything got this way. We can go back to hating each other in the morning. Sounds like a plan. Joey: I don't really hate you, you know. Dawson: I don't really hate you either. [Dawson puts his arm around Joey and she puts her head on his shoulder and hey start watching the freshly started snow fall.]	Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who confronts Natasha about her one-night stand? A: Capeside; Q: Where do Dawson and Gail invite everyone back to for Christmas? A: Joey; Q: Whose father expresses his disapproval of Eddie's relationship? A: Audrey; Q: Who gets loaded during the dinner at Dawson's? A: a drunk Todd; Q: Who delivers a hysterical prayer at the Christmas dinner? A: the gang's dirty laundry; Q: What does Audrey air after Todd's prayer? Summary: Dawson and Gail invite everyone back to Capeside for Christmas, but Dawson confronts Natasha about her one-night stand. Joey's happiness with Eddie turns sour when her father expresses his disapproval. Audrey gets loaded during the dinner at Dawson's. At the Christmas dinner, a drunk Todd delivers a hysterical prayer and ends up airing some dirty laundry. When he is finished Audrey airs the rest of the gang's dirty laundry then storms off.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] DEREK :Hi, Peyton. BROOKE : Peyton, 8th-grade cheer camp. BROOKE : Now it's hoes over psychos. PEYTON : You saved me. BROOKE : You saved me, too. RACHEL : You want to come with me? MOUTH : I'm coming with you. DAN : Do you think it's impossible for you to ever have feelings for me again? KAREN : It's not impossible. DAN : You lost your phone. LUCAS : That's not my phone. DAN : What are you doing here, Lucas? LUCAS : I keep feeling like Keith's trying to tell me something. DAN : Keith's dead. Open your eyes. LUCAS' BEDROOM LUCAS (voiceover) : William Blake once wrote, "There are things that are known and things that are unknown. And in between... there are doors." We see Lucas, Peyton and Brooke sleeping in Lucas' bed. Skills enters the room. SKILLS : Hey, yo, Luke. Damn. Nice work. LUCAS : No. No, it's not... It's the attack last week. Neither one of them wants to be alone. SKILLS : Hey, if that's your story. Look, we got to go. LUCAS : What? SKILLS : It's Mouth. He needs our help. MAYOR'S OFFICE JOE : You wanted to see me, Mr. Mayor? DAN : Yeah. Come on in, Joe. I need you to access this phone's calling history. JOE : Sure. Whose phone is it? DAN : That's what I want you to find out. JOE : With all due respect, Mr. Mayor, I can't do that. That's illegal. DAN : You got a performance review coming up, don't you, Joe? Not to mention a sexy little thing going on with... what's her name? Darcy in public relations? But wait a minute. Your wife's name's Jill, isn't it? JOE : It might take me a day or two. DAN : Works for me. Oh, and, Joe? Say hi to Darcy for me. KAREN'S CAFÉ Skills and Lucas discuss about Mouth SKILLS : So, it's been what, about a week since Mouth skipped town with Rachel? Then, all of a sudden, I get this cryptic message. Sounds like he's in trouble. LUCAS : Okay, what kind of message? Like voice mail? SKILLS : No, a text, actually. Check it out. LUCAS : "Honey Grove, Texas. Please come. Need ass"? SKILLS : I was thinking he would've typed "assistance" but his battery died. LUCAS : Why didn't he just write "help"? "Need help"? SKILLS : Maybe he need ass. (Haley and Nathan enter the café) HALEY : Hey. NATHAN : Hey, Skills said Mouth was in trouble. SKILLS : Yeah, he sent this. NATHAN : "Need ass"? LUCAS : We're thinking it's "assistance." HALEY : I'm gonna find Honey Grove online. (Haley leaves, Peyton and Brooke arrive) NATHAN (to Lucas) : Hey, how are they doing since the attack? LUCAS : Some days are better than the others. But it gets the worst at night. BROOKE : Hey, you guys, what's going on? Is Mouth okay? LUCAS : It doesn't sound like it. PEYTON : "Honey Grove, Texas. Please come." BROOKE : "Need ass"? I don't get it. He left with Rachel. Why would he need ass? SKILLS AND NATHAN AND LUCAS : Assistance. PEYTON : Well, if Mouth needs help, then one of us needs to go down to Honey Grove, Texas. HALEY : I think we should probably all go. It's about 90 miles from Dallas, which is like a 20-hour car ride. NATHAN : Hales, I love you for caring, but you're pregnant and we got finals. HALEY : Come on. We're all graduating soon. It could be a last hurrah. Hopefully, Mouth is okay and it turns into a great road trip. But if not, there's safety in numbers, right? OUTSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE Everybody is ready to go on the trip HALEY : Okay, Karen and I made sandwiches, and I got chips and drinks, and we're all set. SKILLS : I brought red vines. You can't have a road trip without red vines. LUCAS : I brought old yearbooks... might give us a laugh. What did you bring, Nate? NATHAN : I brought Haley, who brought the food. Brooke? BROOKE : I brought my hot body and Rachel's Denali. She might have left, but at least we have her car. HALEY : Sure it's not stolen? Oh, wait. That's just calculus exams. NATHAN : My girl's not a big Rachel fan. Peyton, what did you bring? PEYTON : Road mix. HALEY : Okay, let's go. LUCAS : You seem rather excited, considering Mouth might be in a lot of trouble. HALEY : Well, I'm choosing to believe that he's fine. Besides, it's Mouth. How much trouble could he actually get into? He's probably having fun. PRISON IN HONEY GROVE Mouth is put behind bars and see lots of creepy guys in the cell with him. POLICE OFFICER : Have fun. ONE TREE HILL CREDITS INSIDE THE CAR Brooke is driving, Haley opens the yearbook HALEY : Okay, Brooke, freshman year. Lance Bass? Really? BROOKE : He was cute, okay? NATHAN : I'm not sure I'd go there, Hales. Check this out. "Luke, stay cool forever! Haley." HALEY : So, what's wrong with that? LUCAS : You think that's bad? Check this out. Peyton wrote to me in my sophomore yearbook... "Peyton Sawyer." PEYTON : Come on! I didn't even know you then. LUCAS : You know how hard I worked to get my yearbook in front of her? And then she signs her damn name. I was crushed. HALEY : Okay, how about this one? "Lucas, you know you want me! Taylor James." LUCAS : I wonder what she wrote in Nathan's yearbook. SKILLS : Hey, look. "Luke, you're a great friend. Thanks for looking out for me. See ya around." BROOKE : Who wrote that one? SKILLS : Jimmy Edwards. Sorry. HALEY : How about we just try and let go of all the pain on this trip and only focus on the good things in our lives? Okay, who's with me? PEYTON : Ready for that. BROOKE : Definitely. HALEY : Okay, Luke? (Lucas recognizes the girl from his vision in the yearbook, Abby Brown) HALEY : Lucas? Lucas? LUCAS : Yeah, sure. PRISON IN HONEY GROVE One of the convict is playing Check with a police officer POLICE OFFICER : I don't know why you do it, Conrad. We keep playing. You keep losing. (all the others convicts come to talk to Mouth) MOUTH : Um, hiya, fellas. I'm Mouth. LEE : Mouth, huh? MOUTH : I mean, uh, Marvin. Marvin. Listen, guys, I don't want any trouble. I mean, I like girls, really. See? (Mouth shows a picture of Rachel and he, Conrad take it)) MOUTH : Um, if I could just get that back.. (Conrad grab Mouth) CONRAD : Or what? MOUTH : Listen, I know you could probably kill me right now... I mean... definitely kill me right now, but you're only three moves away from winning your chess match. Knight to G7. I'm sure you were just about to do that anyway... Sir. (Conrad returns to his chess match) CONRAD : Guard. (They start playing again) CONRAD : Checkmate. (The guard leaves upset) CONRAD : No one touches the kid. INSIDE THE CAR It's night, everybody is asleep in the car. Nathan pull over. NATHAN : Skills. Hey. Come on, man, it's your turn to drive. We're each taking four-hour shifts. (Skills take the wheel, drive just a few seconds and pull over) SKILLS : Hey, Brooke. Yo, B. Davis. It's your turn to drive, baby. BROOKE : Already? SKILLS : Four hours. PRISON IN HONEY GROVE CONRAD : So, let me get this straight. You slept with Shelly. LEE : The Clean Teen with the leather pants? MOUTH : Yep. GINO :My man! CONRAD : But then you took Brooke to the prom... Brooke Davis. LEMMY : Is Brooke the one with the clothing line? CONRAD : But then you left town with Rachel and all of her fine plastic parts. So, what happened, Mouth? MOUTH : You guys ever had your heart broken? INSIDE THE CAR Brooke is driving, an alarm starts beeping that awake everybody and the car break down. HALEY : What's going on up there? BROOKE : I don't know. LUCAS : How long has that light on the dash been on? BROOKE : Um, just a little while. It was kind of a pretty color, and I liked it. Bad call? (Brooke pull over) BROOKE : Bad call. OUTSIDE OF THE CAR Lucas is looking to fix it up LUCAS : I don't know. It's all electronic. I can't figure it out. But I do know we should have stuck to the interstate and not taken the back roads just so Haley could see the sandwich shaped like Elvis. HALEY : Hey! PEYTON : Hold on a second. I, too, wanted to see the sandwich shaped like Elvis. I'm pretty sure we all did. HALEY : Thank you. PEYTON : And, Lucas, admit it. You wanted to see the Elvis sandwich, too, didn't you? LUCAS : Fine. I wanted to see the Elvis sandwich, okay? But that still doesn't change the fact that we haven't seen a car pass by since we stopped. (Brooke see a bus coming) LUCAS : Until now. NATHAN : It's a bus. BROOKE : That's a tour bus. PEYTON : Please be the Foo Fighters. SKILLS : Please be Kanye. (The bus stops and Chris Keller comes out) CHRIS : Well, well. HALEY : Stupid Elvis sandwich. INSIDE THE BUS CHRIS : Let's see here. Slept with you... kissed you... got slapped by you. Just like any other night on Chris Keller's tour bus. LUCAS : So, they can tow the car to Honey Grove, but we're on our own. CHRIS : Honey Grove. We're rolling right through there. You guys should just crash with me. Come on. It'll be like old times. You know, without Nate trying to kill me for singing duets with Haley. SKILLS : I'm down for all that. Yo, you got some gin in this joint? CHRIS : Full bar in back. SKILLS : I'm loving Chris Keller. CHRIS : Look, I got plenty of room. I'm going your way. Haley can sleep in my bed. Though you're looking a little plump, Hales. What the hell? I've had bigger trunk in my bunk. HALEY : I'm pregnant, you idiot. CHRIS (looking at Nathan) : Dude, totally not mine. OUTSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE Karen is coming home but find the door open. Scared, she takes her phone... INSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE Later, Dan is there with Karen. DAN : Well, everything seems to be okay. Are you missing anything? KAREN : I... I don't think so. I'm sorry. It's just that Lucas wasn't here, and the door was open, and I just... I'm so embarrassed that I called you. DAN : No, no. Don't be. I would've been upset if you didn't call me. Now I'm gonna make you some tea. I want you to relax and take it easy. That stress isn't healthy for the baby. INSIDE THE BUS Chris and Nathan are talking alone CHRIS : So, what's up? You been good? NATHAN : Yeah, I'm all right. Just dealing with some stuff. CHRIS : Like what? NATHAN : Nothing, really. I can handle it. CHRIS : Same old Nathan Scott. NATHAN : What about you? What's your story? CHRIS : Oh, you know, just driving blue highways, looking for that life you already got. You know, for the luckiest guy I know, you worry too much. And contrary to popular belief, most of life's problems don't get solved on a tour bus in the middle of Texas. Turn your mind off and relax. INSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE Dan is bringing some tea to Karen who's already asleep. He put a blanket on her and turn off the lights. HONEY GROVE Everybody get off the bus CHRIS : Well, this is it... Honey Grove, the sweetest town in Texas. Get it? 'Cause of the honey part? LUCAS : Now we just got to find Mouth. CHRIS : I guess I'd just ask a cop if I were you guys. SKILLS : Right, let's just walk up to the first cop we see and say, "hey, have you seen our friend Mouth?" CHRIS : Why not? It's a small town. (A police officer is just there) CHRIS : Excuse me! POLICE OFFICER : Keller. CHRIS : Top of the morning, officer friendly. SKILLS : Shut up. Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a friend of ours. Kind of goofy-looking kid, big lips, spiky hair? CHRIS : Needs ass. POLICE OFFICER : Marvin McFadden. CHRIS : Damn. Our guy's name is Mouth. INSIDE THE PRISON POLICE OFFICER : Marvin McFadden? MOUTH : Luke! Guys! Man, am I glad to see you. BROOKE : Mouth, what happened? MOUTH : It's kind of a long story. Let's just get out of here. (Mouth says friendly goodbyes to his cell mates) MOUTH : Conrad. Gino! Lee! (Lemmy hugs Mouth) CONRAD : Let him go, Lemmy. [SCENE_BREAK] INSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE It's morning, Karen awakes on her couch, Dan is sleeping in the armchair. KAREN : Dan? (Dan awakes) DAN : Oh, hi. KAREN : You spent the night? DAN : Yeah. Yeah. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm sorry. I must look like hell. I should go. KAREN : Or I could make us some breakfast. DAN : I'd like that. ON THE STREET OF HONEY GROVE Nathan is on the phone NATHAN : I understand. You have to do what you have to do. (He hangs up and joins Haley, Skills and Chris)) HALEY : Everything okay? NATHAN : Yeah. Just checking on my mom. (Brooke, Peyton and Lucas joins them too, with Mouth) BROOKE : Hey, we found him. HALEY : Hey, Mouth! MOUTH : Now I'm really embarrassed. You guys didn't all have to come. NATHAN : We wanted to, man. CHRIS : Yeah, man, definitely. Who are you again? MOUTH : I'm the idiot who got arrested for sleeping in the park. BROOKE : Wait. What? You didn't tell us what happened. Where's Rachel? MOUTH : Uh, it's kind of a long story. She's just, um... She's gone. CHRIS : Damn it. MOUTH : Anyway, I tried texting you guys, but my phone died. I just want to go home. (Lucas hangs up his cell phone) LUCAS : Unfortunately the car won't be ready till tomorrow. But there are rooms available at a motel. MOUTH : Sorry, guys. HALEY : No, don't be sorry. We wanted to come. We're just glad you're okay. Besides, I'm sure we can find something fun to do in this town. CHRIS : Yeah, right. What? Look at this place. (Haley looks at a bulletin board which says " Honey Grove prom night") HALEY : We'll go to prom. BROOKE : Prom? HALEY : Yeah, Honey Grove's prom is tonight. We should go. Come on, our prom sucked. Our car broke down. BROOKE : Yeah, and we got attacked by a psycho. MOUTH : What? PEYTON : Long story. LUCAS : We're just gonna crash the Honey Grove prom? HALEY : Yeah, why not? BROOKE : Okay, hold on. Where are we gonna get tuxes and dresses by tonight? SKILLS : We go old-school. Check it out. (Skills shows them a store across the street) SKILLS : I see what I'm wearing tonight. MOUTH : Dude, not if I beat you to it. Come on! (They run toward the store) HALEY : It's good to see you and Peyton getting along. BROOKE : Yeah. You know, we've been staying together at Luke's every night since the attack. It works out 'cause I'm basically homeless, now that Rachel's gone, anyway. HALEY : Right. Speaking of that, I wanted to know if maybe you wanted to take the apartment back. Nathan and I are gonna go stay with his mom, at least until the end of the school year. And you still have all your old stuff in there. What do you think? BROOKE : Yes. I mean, definitely. Thank you. That's great. HALEY : Yeah, yeah. No problem. I mean, also, besides, the sooner you cut your ties with that lying thief Rachel, the better, right? BROOKE : Yeah. HOTEL ROOM 1 Mouth and Chris are getting ready for the Prom CHRIS : Can't believe I'm going stag. Dude, so what happened to you, anyway, with Rachel? MOUTH : I just wanted Shelly back. CHRIS : Shelly? MOUTH : She was the girl I'd just started dating. Actually, we, uh, never really got started. CHRIS : She blew you off, huh? MOUTH : I just felt so... not good enough, you know? Like I wasn't good enough to make her stay. I wasn't enough to amaze her. I just wanted to amaze her. CHRIS : Bitches. MOUTH : And then Rachel... She made me feel special. And there's such a power in that, especially with a girl who looks like Rachel. And even though I kind of knew we were a lie, it was like a pain reliever. I mean, the pain was still there, but... I didn't feel it for a while. CHRIS : So what happened? MOUTH : Well, we flew to New Orleans and we rented a car and we just started driving. And Rachel was telling me how I was good enough, how I was dangerous. And then one night, as this amazing sun was setting, she called me worthy. CHRIS : Okay. Oh, fine. Fine, Mouth, but tell me... what about the sx? MOUTH : So we get to this hotel, and we're in the bar. She kind of starts flirting with this guy. And then she said something. CHRIS : What did she say? MOUTH : She told him he was worthy. Hearing her say it to someone else, I knew that there would always be a someone else with her, 'cause that's who she is. Anyway, I went for a walk, and I ended up on the town square... you know, where you guys were today? I started thinking about how much I was throwing away, how tanking my finals would crush my parents and how I'm not that guy. I'm not dangerous. I'm Marvin McFadden. I'm solid. I'm dependable. That's who I am. CHRIS : Tell me you at least slept with her. (Mouth shakes his head) CHRIS : You suck, man. Where is she? MOUTH : I don't know. I called her and told her I was going home, and when I got back to the room, she was gone. This picture of us was all she left behind. (Chris takes the picture and read the note behind) CHRIS : "I could've loved the boy in this picture." I hate you, Mouth. You know that? You sure you didn't sleep with her before your lame-ass epiphany? MOUTH : No. But I did see her naked. CHRIS : You really suck, man. You know that? HOTEL ROOM 2 Nathan and Haley are getting ready NATHAN : Anybody ever tell you that you're kind of pretty, Haley James Scott? HALEY : Does Chris Keller count? NATHAN : You know what's great about being a married couple going to a prom? HALEY : What? NATHAN : You get to use the hotel room before the dance. HOTEL ROOM 3 Brooke and Peyton are getting ready PEYTON : Penny for your thoughts? BROOKE : I'm not sure they're worth that much. Just thinking about Chase. PEYTON : I'm really sorry, Brooke. You miss him? BROOKE : Yeah, I do. Plus, I'm not really a fan of being alone these days. PEYTON : Oh, well, I was thinking maybe you could move in with me. BROOKE : I can't. I'm moving back into the apartment. PEYTON : Okay, cool. I just... yeah. BROOKE : But maybe you could move in, too? PEYTON : You mean that? BROOKE : Yeah. Look... I know I said we could never be friends like before. But... maybe we can be better. You look beautiful. HOTEL ROOM 4 Lucas is looking at the yearbook. LUCAS : Hey, Skills, you know this girl? SKILLS : Yeah. That's Abby. She was in the tutor center. You know. You know, it just never made no sense to me. LUCAS : What's that? SKILLS : Jimmy. See, Abby had diabetes, so he let her go. Look, I know Jimmy was all distraught and not his self, but... I could never understand how he could just have it in his heart to let Abby go, but with Keith, that was somebody he knew and loved. (Peyton walks in) SKILLS : Luke. PEYTON : Lucas Scott, will you go to prom with me? LUCAS : Absolutely. INSIDE HONEY GROVE PROM They are all inside when a bench of girls come to see them GIRL 1 : Nice outfits. You guys crashing? LUCAS : Who, us? No. GIRL 1 : Honey Grove's a small town. We know everybody in our school. BROOKE : Okay, look. Here's the deal. We got stranded here, and our prom really sucked, so we figured maybe we could come to yours. You won't tell anyone, will you? GIRL 1 : No, it's cool. GIRL 2 : You guys have fun. (The girls leave) HALEY : Anybody want to dance? (Each girl throws her coat in Chris face) Some girls are listening to everyone story, one at a time. LUCAS : So nobody has a fatal heart condition and a father who was purposely set on fire? (Girls shake their heads) NATHAN : You probably have classmates who are married, right? Wife's pregnant? Got married as juniors? (Girls shake their heads) BROOKE : I started the clothing line after Peyton and I shoplifted my designs back and got arrested. GIRL : Arrested? What did your parents say? BROOKE : Oh, I haven't seen my parents in like a year. I live with my friend Rachel. She's so funny. She's had all this plastic surgery, and she just got suspended, and... Now she's kind of missing. MOUTH : You ever had your heart broken? GIRL : Yeah, I think that happens everywhere. KAREN'S CAFÉ The café is closed. Karen is with Dan KAREN : You know, I really appreciate the way you've been lately since my pregnancy. DAN : But? KAREN : Well, you can't blame me for being cautious. 17 years of misery is a long time. Why now? DAN : I was lying to myself, Karen. I was also married. I'm single now, for the first time since I was 17, and truly in love. You're still in my heart, Karen. That's why now. INSIDE HONEY GROVE PROM Nathan and Haley are dancing a slow dance NATHAN : What? HALEY : We've just been through so much. NATHAN : You've been through so much. Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. HALEY : I gave you my heart. When you fall short... when we fall short... I know we're gonna be okay. You're my forever. You're my always. God, the way you look at me sometimes. (She kiss him) At the same time, Peyton and Lucas are dancing PEYTON : Thanks for being so good to me this week, Luke... and to Brooke. It means everything. LUCAS : I'd do anything for you. (She kiss him) HALEY : Uh, could you get a room? PEYTON : Do you want to? (Lucas nod and they leave the Prom) Brooke is pouring some punch, Haley joins her HALEY : Hey lady BROOKE : I'd avoid the punch. It's more vodka than punch. HALEY : Great. Thank you for the tip. BROOKE : You having fun, tutor girl? HALEY : Yeah, I am. Although I think you mean ex-tutor girl, thanks to that hag Rachel. BROOKE : Haley, it was me. HALEY : What was? BROOKE : I stole the test. I cheated. Rachel just took the fall for me. HALEY : Are you kidding me? Brooke, I got fired for that. Not to mention the fact that I trusted you and you lied to my face. BROOKE : I know, and I'm sorry. It's just... I wasn't gonna graduate, and then she told me I'd lose my clothing contract, and I panicked and... HALEY : Unbelievable. (Haley starts leaving) BROOKE : Haley, wait. Don't go. I feel terrible. HALEY : I'm sure you do. You know what? That tape with you and Nathan really hurt me, but I decided to let it go because that was a Brooke I didn't know. This is worse. My friend did this. Two girls come to see Chris, sitting on a chair CHRIS : You girls want to dance? GIRL : No, thanks. Wait. You're Chris Keller, right? CHRIS : That's right. (Girls laugh) GIRL : How old are you? INSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE Dan is leaving DAN : I had a great evening, Karen. Thanks. I can see myself out. KAREN : Well, maybe we could do this again. Soon. DAN : Sure. But just friends, right? KAREN : We'll see. HOTEL ROOM Peyton and Lucas are inside, starting to make out PEYTON : You've got protection, right? LUCAS : Have you met my father? PEYTON : Of course you do. Sorry. Luke. I'm really glad we waited. Last year would have been just sx, and now I... I am so in love with you. LUCAS : I love you, too, Peyton. OUTSIDE HOTEL ROOM Brooke, Skills and Mouth are walking to the rooms SKILLS : So, B. Davis, you have fun tonight? BROOKE : Oh, I have a good time. MOUTH : You seem a little drunk. BROOKE : I said I have a good time. SKILLS : After-hours in my room? MOUTH : Yeah. Come on (Skills opens the door and everybody see Peyton and Lucas in bed, after the make out) SKILLS : Damn, I got to stop doing this. PEYTON : Oh, god. I'm so sorry, really. (Skills shut the door) MOUTH : That was uncomfortable. BROOKE : You know what, guys? I think I'm gonna take a walk. SKILLS : You sure? You been drinking. BROOKE : Trust me, I'm sober now. IN THE STREET OF HONEY GROVE Nathan and Haley are sitting on a bench NATHAN : How's my girl feeling? HALEY : Okay. NATHAN : Is your leg bothering you? HALEY : No, my leg is not bothering me. It's Brooke that's bothering me. I'm trying to let it all go and just be here with you, but... NATHAN : Anything I can help with? HALEY : No. Not really. Tell me a secret. NATHAN : Risky. Okay. For the past few months, I've been pretty freaked out about being a dad. But lately, I, uh, I know it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be great, actually. HALEY : You are so sexy when you talk like that. I'm so glad we made this trip. I'm always gonna remember this. NATHAN : Honey Grove? HALEY : No. How much I love you right now. Brooke is walking and stop in front of Chris CHRIS : Well, well. Took you long enough. BROOKE : Don't flatter yourself. CHRIS : Want to come inside? I get really good-looking after a few drinks. BROOKE : Oh, but I've already had a few drinks. CHRIS : And how do I look? As good as the last time I got you wasted? BROOKE : Listen. My last couple relationships have been screwed up big-time. And I also have a terrible fear of being alone. So if we slept together, it would just mean that I'm drunk and trying to kill the pain. It wouldn't have anything to do with you. CHRIS : Works for me. BROOKE : No... No. I got to stop all that. I'm graduating soon. And god forbid I end up like you. CHRIS : So you just want to talk? BROOKE : You just want to talk? CHRIS : Sure. Chris Keller gets lonely, too, sometimes. BROOKE : I heard that. (They go inside the bus) BROOKE : Tell me something. Skills and Mouth are sitting on a bench MOUTH : I can't believe you guys came all this way to get me. SKILLS : You're our boy, dog. MOUTH : You know how I've been complaining about being everyone's friend? No more. I'm lucky to be that guy. And I have a lot of great things because of it and a lot of great friends because of it. SKILLS : See, there you go. I call this a good road trip. MOUTH : Yeah. So, graduation soon, huh? It's a little intimidating. I mean, I only spent a few days in the real world, and I got to say, it was kind of scary. SKILLS : You'll be a'ight, dog. I mean, we all gonna be. And if you ain't, your good friends gonna get you through it, right? MOUTH : Yeah. SKILLS : My dog. HOTEL ROOM It's morning, Peyton is standing by the window, Lucas awakes LUCAS : Hey, you. You okay? Wow. You look beautiful. You seem sad. PEYTON : No. I'm not. It's just... I really love you, Lucas. And it's a big deal. LUCAS : I love you, too, Peyton. I promise. PEYTON : I need to go see Brooke. It's our first night apart since the attack. IN THE STREET OF HONEY GROVE Brooke is sitting on a bench, Peyton joins her PEYTON : Hey. I'm sorry about last night. BROOKE : It's okay. Life's too short, you know? PEYTON : So, does the roommate offer still stand? BROOKE : Yeah. If we're gonna live together, we need to come up with a system, 'cause I don't want to see that again. PEYTON : Yeah. (Chris joins them) CHRIS : Did someone say threesome? 'Cause I'm a little sore, but I could be real up for that. BROOKE : Sore from what? Staying up all night, talking about your feelings and crying? CHRIS : You said you weren't gonna tell. (Brooke goes to see Haley who's sitting in the car, next to them) BROOKE : Haley, can I talk to you? I'm gonna tell Turner the truth. HALEY : Don't. So I lost my job at the tutoring center. It's not as important as you not graduating or losing your clothing contract. BROOKE : Thank you, but none of that is as important to me as us. I mean, maybe my clothing contract but... No, seriously, none of it. I'm just so sorry that I didn't tell you, Haley. Can you forgive me? HALEY : You are on notice, Brooke Davis. Clean up your act and be the girl I love. (Chris goes on his bus) CHRIS : Well, Chris Keller's work here is done. BROOKE : Okay. CHRIS : Okay. I'm leaving. (No one is answering) CHRIS : Okay. (The bus leaves) HALEY : I think I'm gonna miss Honey Grove. MOUTH : Yeah. Me too. (Everybody is inside, ready to leave) BROOKE : So, what do you want to hear, P. Sawyer? PEYTON : I'm feeling the road mix. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is on his computer, looking for Abby Brown when Nathan walks in LUCAS : Hey. NATHAN : I need to talk to you. LUCAS : Yeah. What's up? NATHAN : I've been getting calls from this federal investigator. He's asking questions about point-shaving, Luke. LUCAS : Yeah, but we won the state championship. NATHAN : Not state. Semifinals. LUCAS : What are you gonna do? NATHAN : They're not asking about me, Luke. They're asking about you. MAYOR'S OFFICE JOE : Mr. Mayor, the phone was prepaid. The only calls were made to you. After the school shooting, we fingerprinted all the students. I found a match. LUCAS (voiceover) : William Blake once wrote, "There are thing that are known and things that are unknown. And in between... there are doors." OUTSIDE ABBY BROWN'S HOUSE Lucas is knocking at the door, Dan is watching him from his car	Plan: A: a rescue mission; Q: What do the teens of Tree Hill mount to retrieve Mouth from his ill-fated road trip? A: his ill-advised road trip; Q: Where did Mouth go with Rachel? A: Nathan; Q: Who struggles with the residue of a past mistake? A: the prom; Q: What do Haley and Nathan get a second chance to enjoy? A: the next level; Q: What do Lucas and Peyton decide to take their relationship to? A: Brooke; Q: Who tells Haley that she lied about stealing the calculus exam? Summary: The teens of Tree Hill mount a rescue mission to retrieve Mouth from his ill-advised road trip with Rachel. While on the trip, Haley and Nathan get a second chance to enjoy the prom, and Lucas and Peyton decide to take their relationship to the next level. Brooke tells Haley that she lied about stealing the calculus exam, and Nathan struggles with the residue of a past mistake.
THE POWER OF THE DALEKS 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 1 - CAPSULE INTERIOR BEN: Doctor, look! (Polly screams. The Doctor and Ben stare transfixed at the pulsating claw. Ben slowly moves towards the claw, but the Doctor quickly drags him back. The movement appears to alarm the claw - it scuttles back into the shadows.) DOCTOR: A light. A torch outside. BEN: Did you see it? DOCTOR: Quickly Ben, quickly! POLLY: What was it? (Ben rushes out into the laboratory to obey. Quickly glancing around him, Ben notices a strange-looking object on the laboratory bench. He walks over, and picks up a bulb attached to a long lead. Ben quickly tests the bulb by switching it on and off. Satisfied with its condition, he drags the lead into the capsule. Ben's actions have been monitored by Resno, one of the Vulcan colonists. The Doctor impatiently snatches the lighting device from Ben, and moves cautiously towards the shadows. Ben tiptoes after him, indicating to Polly to stay back.) POLLY: Can you answer me? BEN: It was a sort of disembodied hand. A sort of claw. It was horrible! (The Doctor shines the light onto the area where the claw appeared.) DOCTOR: No. No, there's nothing. (Moving back towards the doorway, Ben notices a perfect circle on the floor next to the two dormant Daleks - the rim of another Dalek.) BEN: You were right - there were three Daleks. POLLY: Do you know what it was? (The Doctor shines the light down onto the circular patch.) POLLY: If there were three, who moved it? BEN: Don't ask me. Lesterson? POLLY: But he hadn't opened the capsule. BEN: Now he said he hadn't opened it. Lets get our facts straight. DOCTOR: Aha, excellent! Good thinking, good thinking. (The Doctor suddenly rushes back out into Lesterson's laboratory. Ben and Polly quickly follow, to find the Doctor searching through Lesterson's scientific equipment.) BEN: What, does that mean you think he's been inside? DOCTOR: Perhaps he's been experimenting on the Daleks? Ah. POLLY: But... but they're things I... I mean they're dead. They must be! (The Doctor replaces a test tube and picks up the lighting device.) DOCTOR: This light is dead. Now the watch! BEN: Do you mean these things just need power? DOCTOR: Now, Lesterson's fanatic. The Governor's jealous of his own position. What does that suggest to you? (The Doctor answers himself.) Dunno. Hadn't thought about it. That all is not well with this colony. Add to that one Dalek! BEN: Oh, blimey, you don't half make mountains, don't you? One Dalek? DOCTOR: Yes! All that is needed to wipe out this entire colony. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 2 - GUEST QUARTERS (Quinn cautiously walks into the visitors' rest room, trying to find the Doctor.) QUINN: Examiner? Examiner? (Quinn switches on the rest room light, and notices that the room is empty. Suddenly, the door opens, and Bragen strides in.) QUINN: Bragen, don't you ever knock before you enter a room? BRAGEN: I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I was expecting to find the Examiner here - not you Quinn. QUINN: Well, he's not here. You'll probably want to start snooping under the bed, so I'll leave you to it. BRAGEN: One moment. QUINN: Don't try your luck with me, Bragen. BRAGEN: On the contrary, I'm trying to avoid trouble. The Governor gave express instructions that you were not to contact the Examiner - I find you here. I'm sure you can offer some suitable explanation. QUINN: I can. But not to you. (Quinn starts to walk off. Bragen tries to halt him but Quinn pushes past.) BRAGEN: Before you go... Oh! QUINN: Don't ever try to block my way again. BRAGEN: Guard! (A security guard enters the room.) BRAGEN: The Examiner is missing. He must be found immediately. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 3 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (The Doctor is still engrossed in his search amongst Lesterson's apparatus.) BEN: Of course, the real Doctor was always going on about the Daleks. POLLY: Real Doctor? DOCTOR: Real Doctor? Oh, you mean the real Doctor. BEN: Yeah, now I've seen that claw thing, well, wouldn't want to shake hands with it, let's put it that way. POLLY: Doctor, look, if they're that dangerous, what are you going to do about it? DOCTOR: Save my breath. Would Lesterson listen? Uh, uh. Lesterson listen. Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen. Exercises the tongue. Try it! Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen... BEN: Look, they think you're the Examiner, order them to destroy the Daleks! Well, chuck your weight about. POLLY: (In background.) Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen... POLLY AND DOCTOR: (In unison.) Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen... (The Doctor is interrupted when the man himself storms into the laboratory, accompanied by Resno.) LESTERSON: What do you think you're doing in here? DOCTOR: (In background.) Listen, listen... LESTERSON: Who gave you permission? (The Doctor rushes over, shoving the Examiner's badge into Lesterson's hand.) DOCTOR: Read this! Aloud! LESTERSON: Accord every access. DOCTOR: Exactly! It doesn't say 'except your laboratory' anywhere does it? Unless it's in micro-print. LESTERSON: I should have been asked first! DOCTOR: (Pointing at Ben.) What was the first thing you noticed when you looked inside that capsule? BEN: Well, th... th... the Daleks. DOCTOR: You were astounded? POLLY: Yes. DOCTOR: Amazed? BEN: Yes. DOCTOR: (Turning around to face Lesterson.) You didn't even give them a glance! Why? Because you'd been in there and seen them! Where is the third Dalek? LESTERSON: I don't know what you're talking about! DOCTOR: You opened up the capsule without permission. You found the inner contart... compartment containing three Daleks, you took one of them away and you hid it! LESTERSON: Hid it? What... what nonsense! (As the Doctor continues his search through Lesterson's laboratory, Bragen enters.) BRAGEN: May I ask what all this is about? POLLY: We opened an inner compartment in the capsule, and Lesterson had already been in there. LESTERSON: I don't deny that. BEN: And he's nicked a Dalek! BRAGEN: Dalek? LESTERSON: It's the name the Examiner has given to two metal creations that I've discovered inside the capsule. BEN: And they're dangerous. Evil. LESTERSON: Lumps of metal! Quite inactive. BEN: That's what you think, mate. If you'd seen... (The Doctor hurriedly blows his recorder. Ben glances over, and notices the Doctor giving him a disapproving shake of his head.) LESTERSON: I consider it's my duty as a scientist to... to examine and investigate these objects. Now please, all of you, keep out of my laboratory. Keep your hands off my experiments! DOCTOR: Those 'lumps of metal' - Daleks - I want them broken up, or melted down. Up, or down, I don't care which, but destroyed! LESTERSON: I refuse to allow it. DOCTOR: (Holding up his badge.) I'm an Earth Examiner - I demand it. LESTERSON: You're exceeding your authority. DOCTOR: Perhaps we should ask the Governor about that? I wish to see him immediately! BRAGEN: That might be difficult. DOCTOR: But not impossible. Ben, Polly. (The Doctor marches from the room, closely followed by Ben, Polly and Bragen. Resno wanders up to Lesterson, who is still fuming.) RESNO: Could he stop the experiments? LESTERSON: I don't know. It's none of your business. You go and get Janley and then come back here. We haven't... haven't got any time to waste. Now go on man, quickly, quickly! (Resno rushes off. As soon as he has left, Lesterson locks the door to the laboratory. He then walks over into the inner compartment of the capsule. Lesterson activates a hidden control near the door, causing another compartment to open. Standing behind, is the third Dalek. Although dormant; it is covered by masses of electronic circuitry.) LESTERSON: He won't stop me experimenting. There must be some way to bring you back to life - and I'm going to find it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 4 - GUEST QUARTERS BRAGEN: And of course you do have the right of any access. DOCTOR: Which is why I have a badge which says so. BRAGEN: Lesterson watches over his ideas like a mother hen. DOCTOR: If there was a bomb under this floor timed to go off in five minutes, would you ask my permission before you ripped up the floorboards .. aha, fruit! (The Doctor suddenly leaps over to the bedside table and examines the basket of fruit placed there. The Doctor carefully examines each piece, then gives a piece to Polly.) POLLY: Thank you. BRAGEN: Examiner - It's up to you of course, but I'd advise a little discretion in your investigations. It's not a very good time, just now. (The Doctor hands a piece of fruit to Bragen.) BRAGEN: Thank you. With all these disturbances... POLLY: Disturbances? BRAGEN: Yes, minor acts of sabotage, rebel cliques, secret newspapers, nothing important you understand, but it keeps the Governor busy. I have no doubt he'll tell you about it himself when I arrange your meeting with him. BEN: When will that be? BRAGEN: Ah, he's going on a tour of the perimeter of the colony. I'll... I'll find out if he can see you before he goes. POLLY: Thank you. (With a final look at the Doctor (who is happily eating an apple), Bragen walks from the room.) BEN: You know, it's little things like this that make it difficult to believe that you're the Doctor. DOCTOR: Ahh. BEN: The other one, I mean. The proper one. Oh nuts, you know what I mean. DOCTOR: Nuts? Yes, certainly, here we are. Crackers? (The Doctor digs into the fruit bowl.) BEN: You, my old china, are an out and out phoney! DOCTOR: China, yes, I went there once I believe. Met Marco Polo! BEN: No, not China. China! China and plate, mate, friend. DOCTOR: Yes, Marco Polo a friend? I believe he was. (The Doctor returns to examining the fruit.) POLLY: Don't listen to him, Doctor. I know who you are. (The Doctor silently puts a finger to his lips and shakes his head.) DOCTOR: Shh! (Polly watches as the Doctor produces a small knife from one of pockets, and carefully slices into an apple. A few moments later, the Doctor pulls out a miniature listening device. He promptly drops it on the floor and smashes it with his boot.) POLLY: Ah, it's a... BEN: Well, well, a touch of the bugs. Microphones. POLLY: Someone's been listening to what we were saying! BEN: Yes, so that's why you were messing about and talking nonsense! DOCTOR: I never talk nonsense! POLLY: Hmm, hmm, hmm. DOCTOR: Well, hardly never. BEN: Well, they certainly believe in making us at home, don't they? DOCTOR: At first, I thought there might be more than one. (The Doctor squashes another piece of fruit, causing the others to laugh.) BEN: Here, I bet old Charlie Bragen did it! POLLY: Charlie? BEN: Well Fred wouldn't suit him would it? POLLY: If he did do it, do you think it was his own idea? I mean - he could have been under orders. BEN: You mean from the Governor? Ah, I don't know. What do you think, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Yes of course. Let's... let's consider this button for a moment. It's the only clue we've got to the murderer of the Examiner. The real Examiner. POLLY: Hmm. And who asked for him to come? BEN: Hmm. Well, Lesterson's crackers about that capsule. He wouldn't want anyone nosing about. POLLY: Bragen said the Governor's been having trouble. BEN: Naw, rule him out. Governors are all the same, he wouldn't ask for help. If he sent the word it would look as if he couldn't do the job properly. POLLY: Yes. BEN: Oh, well, I vote we go back to the TARDIS, I've had enough of this dump. DOCTOR: Have you? What about the Daleks? BEN: Well, they're dead. POLLY: Well, what about that thing we saw in the capsule - that was alive all right. BEN: Well, can't explain that. DOCTOR: I can. And that's why we have to stay! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 5 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (Later that night, Lesterson, Resno and Janley are assembled in the laboratory. They are all closely examining the third Dalek.) RESNO: (To Janley.) Ugly-looking brutes aren't they? Hey, what's he want to muck about with them for? Leave well alone, that's what I say. JANLEY: You're a fine one to be a research assistant. Leave well alone? There'll be no progress on this planet with people like you around. RESNO: We're doing all right as we are. Or we were until your lot came along stirring things up. You won't get away with it, you know. The Governor knows all about you rebels. He'll smash the lot of you when he's ready. JANLEY: Governor? RESNO: Yeah, the Governor! JANLEY: He couldn't smash... LESTERSON: Will you be quiet! Where do you both think you are? This is a scientific laboratory. Kindly keep your politics out of it. Come on, Resno. Man, get on with it. We haven't got all day. We've got to get this working before the Examiner stops us. He's got some phobia about these .. these Daleks? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 6 - GUEST QUARTERS (The Doctor is sitting on his bed, staring into space.) DOCTOR: I know the misery they cause - the destruction. But there's something else more terrible - something I can only half remember. POLLY: Doctor, what was it? (Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Bragen re-enters.) DOCTOR: Well? Where is the Governor? What did he say? BRAGEN: He sends his apologies Examiner. He can't see you tonight, but he hopes to see you first thing in the morning. BEN: Well, it might not wait that long, Char... ah, Bragen. BRAGEN: It will have to. DOCTOR: Excuse me. (The Doctor rises and walks to the door.) BEN: Where are you going? DOCTOR: To see the Governor, of course. BRAGEN: I'm afraid that's not possible. Once his door is closed, no-one, not even you, Examiner, is allowed into his room! (The Doctor halts, and stares at Bragen.) DOCTOR: Very well. BRAGEN: Thank you. Until the morning then. (Nodding curtly, Bragen leaves the room.) BEN: What happens now? DOCTOR: I shall radio Earth. Governor or not, Hensell will have to listen to them - I'll get Earth to back me. (The Doctor suddenly dives for the door and yanks it open. The Doctor then glances out the door.) DOCTOR: That's funny. I could have sworn. You stay here, I shan't be long. (In his haste, the Doctor realises he has yanked the door knob from its socket. Ben and Polly laugh at the Doctor's bemused expression.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 7 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (In the laboratory, Lesterson is standing next to a panel of dials and switches. A number of electric leads are connected from the Dalek to a bank of machinery. Janley stands nearby, with a notebook in hand. Resno is sitting next to another bank of electric meters. Lesterson flicks several switches - a low hum emanates from the surrounding machinery. Lights begin flashing, and needles begin moving on the bank of meters next to Resno. The three scientists stare expectantly at the lifeless Dalek.) LESTERSON: Connecting now. RESNO: All connections responding. LESTERSON: Nothing at all? RESNO: No. LESTERSON: Are you sure? RESNO: There's nothing wrong here. LESTERSON: Well, let's see. RESNO: Really. If you can't trust me to read a dial. LESTERSON: Be quiet. All right - we'll try again. This time we'll take it up to 3.24. Got that Janley? JANLEY: 3.24. (The humming sound rises. Slowly, the Dalek's sucker arm begins to move upwards.) RESNO: It's moving! (The eye-stick, very slowly, also starts to move upwards.) LESTERSON: Now, note this, Janley. Number one attachment with sucker stick responding. Number two attachment not moving. Number three attachment with lens responding. Watch these meters, Resno. RESNO: (Glancing over the meters.) Still responding. (Lesterson marches up to the Dalek and walks around it thoughtfully.) LESTERSON: Now, it's reasonable to assume that this the sucker stick acts like some kind of a hand. (The sucker stick extends towards Janley, who recoils and screams in surprise.) LESTERSON: It's all right - don't be alarmed. We've only introduced temporary power. We shall have to be able to open it up before we could find how it works permanently. (Lesterson crouches and examines the gun-stick.) JANLEY: It's a bit frightening. LESTERSON: Yes. Now, I cannot think what this short stubby arm is for. JANLEY: Could the lens attachment be an eye? LESTERSON: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Now it's quite possible that this, ah, Dalek... Now there must be some kind of directing influence. There may even be a simplified brain. Positronic, I shouldn't wonder. If only we could open it up! (Suddenly, the Dalek returns to its previous lifeless state. The eye and sucker stick droop to the floor.) LESTERSON: Now what? RESNO: Everything functioning here. LESTERSON: Yes. Well, perhaps the power is leaking away somewhere. We'll... we'll try again. (Lesterson turns a number of dials, which successfully restores the power. The Dalek eye-stick moves upwards again. It turns around and watches Resno. Resno quickly spins around he senses something watching him.) RESNO: Look at the eye-stick! (The eye-stick immediately returns to its dormant state.) RESNO: It's watching us! LESTERSON: Don't be absurd. RESNO: It was. I saw it! LESTERSON: You can't use the phrase 'watching us'. You'll have us believing that th... the thing has intelligence next. Now, get on with your work, man! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 8 - COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (The Doctor cautiously walks into the Communications Room. The unconscious body of the radio mechanic lies slumped on the floor. Nearby, are a number of severed communications cables. The Doctor bends down to examine the mechanic, but is distracted by a noise nearby.) DOCTOR: I know you're there. (Quinn steps from the shadows, holding a large pair of pliers.) QUINN: Examiner, thank goodness, it's you. I've been trying to talk to you ever since you got here. (At that moment, Bragen and a guard enter.) BRAGEN: What's happening here? You again. QUINN: What do you want? DOCTOR: I found the operator unconscious. (The Doctor and Bragen look suspiciously at the pliers in Quinn's hand.) QUINN: So did I! I was just looking at him, when I heard someone move. It must have been you. (Referring to Doctor.) (Bragen snatches the pliers from Quinn's hand.) BRAGEN: And those? QUINN: I picked them up. What is all this? DOCTOR: The cables have been cut. QUINN: What? (As Quinn reaches out to examine the cables, the Doctor notices the button missing from his jacket.) QUINN: This is serious. It's not just our own communications. We're cut off from Earth as well. BRAGEN: The only people who'd want to do that are the rebels. QUINN: Those muscle boys of yours had any brains, they'd stop things like this. (The Doctor produces the button from his pocket, and hands it to Bragen.) DOCTOR: Bragen, I was attacked just after I landed. This is a small souvenir I collected. (The Doctor indicates the tear on Quinn's sleeve.) BRAGEN: This button belongs to you, doesn't it? QUINN: Well, yes. BRAGEN: And you say you picked these up? I suggest that you were sabotaging the communications... QUINN: That's a lie! BRAGEN: ...having first attacked one of the engineers. I'd detain the Governor on evidence like that. QUINN: I hope you're not thinking of detaining me, Bragen. BRAGEN: I've no option. I could hardly let you run around loose after this, could I? All right guards. QUINN: I warn you, Bragen! (Quinn stares aggressively at the approaching guard, but then relaxes.) QUINN: All right - you win this round, Bragen. We'll see what it looks like in front of the Governor. (Quinn is escorted from the room.) BRAGEN: The Governor will want an enquiry. May I ask what you were doing here? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 9 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (In Lesterson's laboratory, a tripod has been set up in front of the Dalek. Resno is adjusting a film camera set up on the tripod.) LESTERSON: Right. I've redirected power. This time working up to 4.68. Eh... now Resno, you will have to dodge between the camera and your meters. RESNO: Ready. LESTERSON: Connecting, now. (The familiar humming sound fills the room. The Dalek twitches and its sucker arm and eye-stick rise up once again.) RESNO: All connections responding. LESTERSON: Excellent. JANLEY: It's working! LESTERSON: Excellent. Film it, film it now, Resno. And, note the readings, Janley. (Resno moves to the camera and adjusts it to focus on the Dalek. The Dalek's eye-stick spins around and trains on Resno. The rest of the Dalek's body moves around to face Resno. The gun-stick points towards Resno.) LESTERSON: It seems to be interested in you, Resno. (Resno freezes in horror, staring at the Dalek.) LESTERSON: What's the matter with you man? RESNO: I tell you it's intelligent. It's watching me, Lesterson. Weighing me up! I can sense it! LESTERSON: Don't be a fool. RESNO: (Backing away.) I don't like it I tell you. I don't know what these things can do. (Lesterson leads Resno back to the camera.) LESTERSON: No, and we never shall know, shall we, unless we take film of every reaction. Now get on with your work, man! (Resno resumes his work, but continues to eye the Dalek suspiciously. Suddenly, the Dalek gun delivers its deadly ray. Resno cries out, and falls to floor. The camera crashes on top of him.) LESTERSON: Resno! (Lesterson immediately pounces on the cable leads, and disconnects them. The humming noise abruptly winds down into silence and the Dalek is returned to its dormant state. Janley rushes over to Resno, and examines him.) JANLEY: It's all right. He isn't dead. LESTERSON: What happened? JANLEY: Knocked out by the shock waves. LESTERSON: We must get him to the hospital. I'll go and get help. (Lesterson rushes off and Janley attends to Resno.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 10 - GUEST QUARTERS (The Doctor is looking over Vulcan from the window of the rest room. He is playing his recorder.) POLLY: But we've got to defend Quinn. BEN: Yeah, I know. He's innocent until he's proved guilty. But he is guilty. POLLY: He's the Deputy Governor! BEN: So what? I had a headmaster once who got nicked for not paying his bus fare! And then there's the motive, don't forget the motive. POLLY: Like what for instance? BEN: Well, he's the Deputy Governor, right? Maybe he wants to be Governor. POLLY: Oh, that's ridiculous! BEN: Well, the jacket button wasn't! And he was caught red-handed in the Communications Room with a pair of pliers, and don't tell me he was plucking his eye-brows either. POLLY: Look, there are some people you know are all right. You just know by looking at them. (Bragen strides into the room.) BRAGEN: Good morning. The enquiry is about to begin. I've been sent to escort you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 11 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (In Lesterson's laboratory, the Dalek has been covered by a dark coloured sheet. Lesterson glances at his watch.) LESTERSON: Hello Janley. JANLEY: Is it time? LESTERSON: Yes. Yes, I think so. I feel quite excited. JANLEY: So you should. It's a wonderful achievement. LESTERSON: Yes, yes. But the wonderful thing, Janley, is that we don't know the full scope of this experiment. Who knows where we may go from here. (Lesterson pulls the cover off the Dalek which is now minus the gun-stick.) LESTERSON: Who know what this Dalek may do? JANLEY: It's harmless now? LESTERSON: (Indicating the empty socket.) Yes, yes, yes. I... I've removed... Oh, Resno, have you been to see him today? JANLEY: Yes, yes. LESTERSON: And? JANLEY: He... he's had medical attention. He's going to be all right. LESTERSON: Oh, good. JANLEY: No one must find out about this accident. It might give the Examiner just the excuse they want, and he could stop the whole project. LESTERSON: Well, yes. Yes, yes, yes, you're right. JANLEY: Well. Ready? LESTERSON: Yes! Let's go and surprise them. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 12 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (Quinn's enquiry is about to start. Everyone is assembled in Hensell's room.) HENSELL: (To the Doctor.) I am sorry I couldn't see you earlier, Examiner. Please sit down. (To Quinn.) Well, Quinn, I don't like this anymore than you do. What have you been up to? QUINN: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. HENSELL: Well, what about Bragen's report then? These are facts, Quinn. Now, what have you got to say about it? QUINN: Does the engineer say I hit him? BRAGEN: How could he if he was hit from behind? QUINN: Then its only circumstantial evidence. BRAGEN: The Examiner was also attacked in the mercury swamp. We have a button from your jacket, found in the Examiner's hand. QUINN: I can't explain that. BRAGEN: I'm sure you can't! HENSELL: Examiner. (The Doctor, lost in his own thoughts, suddenly stands up.) HENSELL: You seem to be in two minds. BEN: (Quietly.) Yeah, and two bodies. HENSELL: You mentioned to Bragen that these machines of Lesterson's... What do you call them? DOCTOR: I call them what they are - Daleks. HENSELL: Ah, yes, yes, yes, Daleks. You say they could be a motive for destroying our communications. DOCTOR: I do. (Suddenly, Lesterson walks into the room. He has a smug expression on his face.) HENSELL: Lesterson, this is a special enquiry. Now please. LESTERSON: This won't wait. You won't be disappointed! HENSELL: You heard what I said Lesterson! LESTERSON: Governor, I've just completed a... an experiment which could revolutionise the whole colony. Bear with me. DOCTOR: Lesterson, what have you done? What have you done? LESTERSON: I'll show you. Janley, now! (Everybody sits riveted as the Dalek glides into the room. The Doctor moves back slightly and shakes his head in disbelieving despair. The Dalek swivels its eye-stick around its captive audience and suddenly focuses directly on the Doctor. Both the Doctor and the Dalek edge away from each other. The Doctor collapses into a chair behind him, stiff with fright.) BEN: It recognised the Doctor. It recognised him. POLLY: What's the matter, Doctor? Are you all right? DOCTOR: The fools. The stupid fools. BEN: You're scared! What can it do? DOCTOR: Nothing yet. BEN: It knew who you were! It sounds crazy, but it did. DOCTOR: Knew who I was. BEN: The Dalek knows who you are. LESTERSON: (In background.) This creation is called, I understand, a Dalek. Now, look at it. I have merely given it electrical power. But it is capable of storing it. Moreover, it responds to orders. Turn around. (The Dalek obeys.) LESTERSON: Move that chair. (The Dalek obeys.) LESTERSON: Stop. You see? Well, just think what this could do for our... our mining program, our processing, packaging. Dozens of labour jobs, Governor. It may even supply the end to all this Colony's problems. DOCTOR: Yes, it will end the colony's problems, because it will end the colony! DALEK: I am your servant. (Everyone stares in shock at the Dalek.) LESTERSON: It... it spoke! Janley, did you hear it? It can actually talk! DOCTOR: It can do many things, Lesterson. But the thing it does most efficiently is exterminate human beings. It destroys them, without mercy, without conscience. It destroys them. Utterly. Completely. It destroys them. (The Doctor shouts to try to drown the chanting Dalek but the Dalek raises its voice to a crescendo.) DALEK: I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant.	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who warns the scientist about the dire consequences of reactivating the Dalek? A: the dormant Dalek; Q: What does the Doctor warn the scientist about reactivating? A: the governor; Q: Who does the Doctor try to see to stop the secret experiments with the Dalek? Summary: The Doctor warns the scientist about the dire consequences of reactivating the dormant Dalek that he claims not to have discovered. The Doctor attempts to see the governor in an attempt to stop the secret experiments with the Dalek,.
The Great Dragon: In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom on the shoulders of a young boy. His name ... Merlin. A FOREST Arthur and Merlin run, pursued by a horde of mercenaries. They take cover. Merlin: Are they still after us? Arthur: I told you we'd outrun! Merlin: Are you sure? Arthur : Why is it, you never trust me, Merlin ?! The screams of the mercenaries are heard, Merlin throws an accusing look at Arthur before they both scamper. Arthur : Come on, this way! Merlin : Where are we going ?! Arthur : Trust me! THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS DISCHUSED Arthur embarks on it while Merlin stops dead, feeling the presence of magic Merlin : Arthur! Arthur : What are you doing ?! (Gripping her arm) Come on! Moments later, Merlin gazes anxiously at the statues of the ancient kings before catching Arthur Merlin : What is this place? Arthur: The Valley of the Fallen Kings. Merlin : Is it cursed ?! Arthur : No. Not unless you're superstitious ... Merlin : It is ...! Arthur: It's a myth! They'll never follow us in here. They will not dare ... trust me! Merlin (to base voice) : If you say that one more time ...! The mercenaries reappear behind them. In his race, Arthur is hit in the back by an arrow and collapses on the ground. Arthur (voice distorted by shock) : What was that? Merlin (trying to support Arthur) : An Arrow. Arthur: An arrow? Oh good. For a moment I thought it was something terrible ... (He faints) GENERIC A CLEARING Arthur is lying unconscious while Merlin tries to heal him Merlin (putting a hot stone on his forehead) : Come on ... Dollop-head! I need you to recover. Merlin turns Arthur on the side and reveals the wound left by the arrow. His hand on the wound, he tries an incantation to cure him, without success. Merlin: Listen to me Clotpole. I do not care if you die; There are plenty of other princes. You're not the only pompous, supercilious, condescending royal imbecile I could work for. The world is full of them ... But I'm going to leave you one more chance ... Merlin tries a new incantation, always without result. Distraught, he washed his hands, stained with Arthur's blood and began to cry. An old man appears then. Man : Tell me (Merlin jumps) ... Why are you so sad? Merlin: It's my friend, he's dying. I can not help him. Man: Then do not waste your tears. For I can tell you that the time for him to die is not yet upon us. The man walks towards Arthur, Merlin on his heels. Man: Do not be afraid. My name is Taliesin. Merlin: I'm Merlin. Taliesin: I know who you are. The moment of our meeting has been written for many, many years. You are Emrys. Applying his hand to Arthur's wound, Taliesin pronounces a formula and then lengthens the wounded man who has regained his colors. Merlin: Arthur? Taliesin: He is sleeping. Within hours, he will be fully recovered. Merlin: Are you sure? Taliesin: If my memory serves me well ... Merlin: What do you mean? Taliesin: I want to show you something Merlin. Merlin: What? Taliesin : You must wait and see! Merlin (joining Taliesin at the entrance of a cave): Where are we going? Why did you bring me here? Taliesin: In good time you will be discovering (laughs) Taliesin and Merlin enter the cave Merlin: What is this place? Taliesin: This is where magic started ... It is the Crystal Cave. Merlin advances further into the cave, visibly uncomfortable and sees in one of the crystals a vision of Morgane, crowned, sitting on the throne. This image is driven by that of an old man with a white beard. Pulling himself away from his contemplation, Merlin turns to Taliesin. Taliesin: What is it you see? Merlin: Pictures, flashes! ... I've seen something like this before in the Crystal of Neatid. Taliesin: What you see here is exactly the same, for the Crystal of Neatid was hewn from this very cave. Look into them Emrys. Really look. Much will be revealed. Merlin (hard to resist) : No! Take me out of here! How do I get back to Arthur? Taliesin: The future is hidden to all but a few Emrys! You are one such person. Merlin: No! I've been through this before! Taliesin: Perhaps there is a reason for this moment in time. Merlin: What reason? Taliesin: Only the crystals can tell you. They are future that are not yet born. The secrets they reveal Emrys, are unique to you ... and you alone. Look into them Emrys, really look. Use what you see for good. Merlin resigns himself to face the crystals, apparently uncomfortable situation for him. Taliesin disappears while Merlin is quickly caught in the visions: Morgana soothing a horse and then admiring the blade of a dagger, a bleeding hand, Merlin surrounded by flames. Under the violence of these visions, Merlin is thrown against the opposite wall from where another crystal shows him Morgana dagger in hand, approaching King Uther. Merlin falls on his knees, visibly shocked, when a third crystal shows Morgana stabbing Uther in his sleep. Merlin (kneeling) : What ... was that? (shouting, head in hand) What was that!? LA CLAIRIERE OR GISAIT ARTHUR Merlin is sitting with his face closed when he receives his coat in the face. Arthur (in Merlin) : You look like a startled stoat! Merlin: Yeah ?! Well, at least, I do not look like a bone idle ... toad! Let's go! Arthur: You're saying I look like a toad !? Merlin: Yeah! And maybe one day you'll magically transform into a handsome prince. Just, like magic's outlawed that probably never happen. Come on, let's go! Arthur: Merlin! Merlin (retracing his steps) : What? Arthur: I'm the one who gives the orders, remember? Merlin: Yeah ... you ready? Let's go! Merlin leaves, leaving Arthur speechless A FIELD ON THE WAY OF RETURN Merlin, determined, walks in the lead, Arthur a few yards back. Arthur : I do not understand! You said I had an arrow in my back. How come all I can feel is a slight bruise? Merlin: I do not know. Arthur: Merlin? Something happen you're not telling me about? Merlin: No! Arthur: Come one! I'm missing your usual prattle! Merlin (sarcastic) : you're definitely making up for it! Arthur: ... you still have not answered my question. Merlin ( exasperated ): The arrow did not pierce your armor and when you fell, you knocked yourself out. Arthur ( hardly convinced ): Alright ... I do not normally say things like this ... you did a good job back there ... of you hear what I just said? Merlin always walks in the lead, without answering Arthur : Alright, maybe I should give you some kind of reward, what do you want? Merlin (Exceeded) : Some peace and quiet! TRONE ROOM AT CAMELOT Arthur reports to the court Arthur : The bandits probably a stronghold somewhere in the White Mountains. How we escaped, I'll never go back to my servant, Merlin. Uther : Dispatch has patrol. I want these men caught and brought to justice. Arthur : Immediately, Father. Uther : For a moment we feared you might miss Lady Morgana's birthday. Arthur : 'Take more than a bench of thieves to keep me from such a feast! Uther : Tomorrow promises to be quite a night! THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Gaius and Merlin sit at the table in front of their dinner. Merlin: Gaius, I can not get these visions out of my head ... Gaius: You are extremely lucky to have seen the Crystal Cave. Even before the Great Purge, wizards would talk about it with reverence. Merlin: That man who led me there, who is he? Gaius: Huh ... who was he? He died, I'd say, about 300 years ago. Taliesin was a seer to the great kings of old. It is said that the Crystal Cave was the source of his prophecies. Merlin: Well, he told me ... he said there is a reason. Why? It must be I'm imminent. Morgana is going to kill Uther. Gaius: Merlin, you must be careful. The crystals are treacherous. What you saw may not be all that it seemed. Merlin: So I do nothing? Gaius : Is there anything imminent, is there? Merlin : No ... Gaius : So, do not let it get you off your soup. Merlin : You're right Both are watching their bowls of soup Gaius : Come on, eat up. Merlin (frowning) : What is it? Gaius : Sometimes it's best not to know. Gaius eats his soup with satisfaction while Merlin, suspicious, sniffs his spoon. APARTMENTS OF ARTHUR Arthur gets ready when Merlin enters the room Merlin : Are you up ?! Arthur : Its Morgana's birthday. I have to get her present. Merlin : What are you getting her? Arthur : Ahh, it's a secret! Merlin : Come on, you can tell me. Arthur : To dagger. Merlin falls off, remembering his visions. THE COURT OF THE CASTLE Merlin goes down the steps when he sees Morgana soothing a horse, the exact image of the vision he had in the cave. THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Gaius is at his desk. Merlin burst. Merlin : It's happening! The future I saw! ... It's started. Gaius : Calm down Merlin. Merlin : I just saw Morgana struggling with a horse exactly as she was in the crystals! Gaius : Are you sure? Merlin : It was the same image! Gaius : But she's always ridding! It's not unusual to see a horse. Merlin : It's not the only thing. Arthur's present for Morgana ... He's told me, it's a dagger. Gaius : A dagger? Merlin, I think you're overreacting. It could be any dagger. As for the sight of Morgana with a horse ... Merlin (interrupting) : It was the same! Gaius : ... it's hardly a rare sight. Certainly not one to be trusted as a harbinger of doom ...! Merlin seems shaken but not convinced APARTMENTS OF ARTHUR The prince sits at his table and looks at the contents of a box, when Merlin, tense, enters. Arthur : Ah! Merlin! Have you done my clothes for the feast? Merlin : Aaagh ... no ... Arthur : No, no ... well, what have you been doing? Merlin (looking for an excuse) : heum ... Arthur : Hmm? ... Right, Well, you can start by pressing my dress (jet of cape) ... and cleaning my shirts (jet of shirt) ... and, ouh! Polishing my boots (jet boots) ! Arms loaded, Merlin looks at the box Arthur has closed. Arthur : Ah ... Morgana's present. What do you think? Arthur presents the dagger to a Merlin we can not more tense, who relaxes instantly when seeing the present. Arthur : Beautiful, is not it? hu? Feel the balance, feel, the sharpness of the blade! Merlin takes the object and the weighing. Merlin : (laughs) Yeah! It's just what every woman wants, is not it!? Arthur : What do you mean? Merlin : I'm not an expert but do not normally go for pretty things? Maybe jewelery? Merlin goes off to his business, leaving Arthur to meditate these few words THE EVENING, IN THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Merlin leaves his room, smiling. Merlin (to Gaius and turning on him mm) : How do I look? Gaius : Same as you always do. Merlin (with a satisfied expression ) : Handsome. Gaius : you've brightened up. Merlin : I've seen Morgana's present. Gaius : the dagger! Merlin : It's very plain, bit boring. Gaius : But not like the one you saw? Merlin : No! That was sumptuous; Ornate ... I would probably be disappointed if I were Morgana. Gaius : Good. So now you can stop worrying. Merlin : Oh, I have. I'm gonna continue as if I'd never even put Taliesin ... I'm gonna enjoying this feast like everyone else! Gaius : Even if it's for Morgana ...? Merlin's smile fades a little. THE GREAT ROOM OF THE CASTLE A banquet was organized The assembly (toast) : To Lady Morgana! Uther presents his gift to Morgana and then comes Arthur's. Arthur : Happy Birthday! Morgana : Arthur ...! Morgana discovers an ornate dagger, identical to that seen in the crystals. Arthur ( to Merlin, petrified, who keeps fixing the dagger) : It's not often you're right, Merlin but this is one of those rare occasions. Girls do like pretty things! Thanks! APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Merlin and Gaius sit side by side Merlin : Do not you see? It's started! It's coming true. Gaius : We can not be certain about that. Merlin : We have to stop her. Gaius : How? Merlin, we do not know when this is going to happen. We do not know if it will! Merlin : We've to watch her! Gaius : Night and day ?! Merlin : I was shown these visions for a reason. Gaius : This is madness ...! Merlin : We'll take it in turns! She can not be left alone! Merlin leaves running. A CORRIDOR OF THE CASTLE Merlin hides behind a wall hanging to spy on the door of Morgana's apartments. THE APARTMENTS OF MORGANA Morgana is in front of her dressing table, admiring the dagger, Gwen by her side. Gwen : You've got some lovely presents. Merely hairbrushes! ( noticing a mirror ) Who's king "Gremause"? Morgane (falsely flippant) : Pff, at least he does not think my hair needs brushing ( laughs ) Gwen (looking at the mirror) : So pretty. Morgana ( giving an embroidered handkerchief to Gwen) : Here, I want you to have this. Gwen : Me ?! No, I ... Morgana ( handing her the handkerchief and taking advantage of the mirror) : It's a Thank you. Gwen : Thank you Gwen leaves the room and leaves Morgana alone. This one takes again the mirror and fogging the ice, makes appear a message: Morgause asks him to join her at midnight in the woods. NIGHT COMING IN THE CORRIDORS OF THE CASTLE Merlin, still hidden behind the curtain, sees Morgana come out of his apartments, the dagger beside him. Thinking that she is going to kill Uther, he decides to cut off the road by closing heavy doors in front of her. The sudden movement makes a torch fall. Morgana takes a step aside to avoid what precipitates on the stairs. Merlin (in a breath) : No! Merlin, from the top of the stairs, gazes at Morgana who lies unconscious a few meters below, blood flowing from her temple. THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Gaius and Gwen burst into the room, followed by Arthur, who carries Morgana, still unconscious, followed by Merlin. Gaius : I need water and bandages. Gwen : I'll get that Gaius : And yarrow. We need to stop the bleeding. Gaius makes room on his desk where Arthur drops Morgana's body. Gaius : She's having problems breathing. Merlin (to Gaius) : Dianthus? Gaius : Yes and a preparation of pulmonaria. Merlin looks at him without understanding Gaius : Lungwort Merlin. Quarter for an ounce, grown fine, and mixed with viola. Arthur (to Gaius): How could this happen? Gaius : Arthur, I need room here Arthur (withdrawing, visibly worried) : Yes, of course ... heum, anything you need, just tell me. Arthur leaves the room leaving Gaius, Gwen and Merlin to work around Morgana. Gwen (worried) : Will she be alright? Gaius (Gaius, finishing stitching Morgana's wound) : We've done the best we can. I can heal her skin, Gwen, but her skull ... the cranium is broken. She's bleeding inside ... Merlin, who had stayed behind, comes out of the room. THE MERLIN ROOM Gaius comes to sit on the bed next to Merlin. Merlin : I had to stop the future ... I had to stop Morgana killing Uther. I did not mean to do it like this. Gaius : It was not your fault Merlin. Merlin: I 've got something much worse from happening. I just ... wish it could have been some other way. Gaius takes Merlin by the shoulders in a gesture of comfort. THE NEXT, AT THE CASTLE Morgana was transferred to a bed in Gaius' apartments. Uther is at his bedside visibly shot. Merlin walks past an open door and sees Gwen crying loudly in Arthur's arms. APARTMENTS OF ARTHUR Merlin is sitting at the table, his eyes empty. Arthur, haggard, enters the room and approaches the table. Arthur : Sword Belt, Merlin ... where is my sword belt? Arthur ( taking the belt that Merlin hands him ): What is the hell doing it over there? Arthur tries to untangle the belt. Merlin : It's twisted. ( Reaching out ) here ... Here! Merlin untangles the belt and places it on the table while Arthur sits down. Merlin : I'm sorry about Morgana ... If Gaius could do something ... He would. Arthur : After all we went through to rescue her ... for her to survive all that ... Merlin : I know ... Arthur : And lose her now, like this ... I've grown up with her; she's like a sister to me. (tears at the eyes) I'd sacrifice my place on the throne for her to see another sunrise ... THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS King Uther is at the bedside of Morgana still unconscious. Uther (stroking Morgana's hair) : So beautiful Gaius : Yes, Sire Uther : I can not watch her die Gaius Merlin, in his room, listens to the conversation between the king and the doctor. Gaius : I wish there is something that I could do, Sire, but ... Uther ( cutting it ): No, you do not understand ... I can not lose her. No matter what happen, she can not die. Gaius : I will do everything I can sire ... Uther : No Gaius, whatever it takes. Whatever, I do not care. You must save her. Gaius : If I knew a way ... Uther ( interrupting ): You're not understanding me Gaius! Cure her. I do not care what remedy you use. In all these books, there must be something ... something in the old religion? ... Gaius (shocked): Are you suggesting ...? Uther : Sorcery? ... yes. Gaius : Sire, but surely you're not going to risk everything for Morgana ... Uther : Gaius, you do not understand. There's something you should know. Something I've told no one ... Morgana is my daughter ... ( Morgana, still unconscious seems to hear Uther ) it was while Gorlois was away; was fighting on the northern plains. Her mother, Viviane, grew lonely .... Gaius : I understand Sire. Uther : I've said enough. But people must never know who Morgana really is, for Arthur's sake. Gaius : I assure you Sire; your secret is safe with me. Once Uther left, Gaius joined Merlin who heard everything from his room. Merlin : That explains everything, No wonder he spent a year looking for her. Gaius : Now we know why she can not be wrong! [SCENE_BREAK] THE APARTMENTS OF THE KING Uther looks out the window, when Merlin returns Merlin : Sire ... This is from Gaius ... he thought it might help ease your mind ( Merlin drops a vial next to Uther ) Uther ( to Merlin who is about to leave ): You're Gaius's boy ... Merlin : He is my guardian Uther : You're like a son to him ... Merlin : Yes Uther : I see the way he cares for you. You feel your child's every joy and their bread. You watch their failings and see your own. All you want is for their happiness ... for them to escape the suffurings of life. Wh - Why has this happened? I would - I would do anything - anyth ... (Uther stops to hold back tears) OUTSIDE THE CASTLE In the pouring rain, Arthur trains on a mannequin, putting more ardor than necessary. Merlin watches his master struggle. THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Merlin returns to find Gwen at the bedside of Morgana still unconscious and now has trouble breathing. Gaius (to Gwen) : Her breath is leaving her. She'll be gone by morning ... Merlin retreats to his room where an idea seems to cross his mind. THE FALLEN NIGHT, IN THE OREE OF THE FOREST NOT FAR FROM CAMELOT Apparition of the Great Dragon that lands in front of Merlin Kilgharrah : You summoned me young warlock? And what do I owe the pleasure this time ?! Merlin : I've been to the Crystal Cave. I saw Morgana make an attempt on Uther's life. Kilgharrah : It does not surprise me! Merlin : But I stopped her. Kilgharrah : To change the future is not simple matter, Merlin! To do so, is fraught with danger. Merlin : I know. And as a result of my actions, Morgana is dying. Kilgharrah (delighted): Then you should join! Merlin : ... I want you to help me to save her. Kilgharrah : Merlin, have you learned nothing !? Merlin : I did not mean to kill her. I wanted to avoid the future that would have unfolded, to prevent the death of death, to prevent the Camelot being torn apart. Kilgharrah : I will not cure her! Merlin : She's Uther's Daughter. Kilgharrah ( with a knowing air ): Yes ... Merlin : Huh! ... you knew ... why did not you tell me? Kilgharrah : It makes no difference. Merlin : Well, whatever she was about to, I stopped her. There no need for people to suffer! Kilgharrah : The witch must die, so she should have done long ago. I will not save her! Merlin (raising his voice): I am a dragonlord, you can not refuse me! Kilgharrah : How dare you treat me such! How dare you abuse you power! Merlin (in a calm voice) : ... I command you ... Kilgharrah : Very well. But I warn you, the evil that will follow is your doing and yours alone. The Great Dragon infuses Merlin with a spell and then flies away. THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Gwen Eve Morgana Merlin (joining Gwen) : I'll sit with her. Why do not you go and get some sleep? You must be exhausted. Gwen : If she wakes up ... Merlin : I'll call you! Gwen : Thank you Gwen leaves the room and Merlin sits at Morgana's bedside. After thinking for a moment, he puts his hand on the dying woman's forehead and pronounces an incantation in the language of the dragon trees. Morgana instantly picks up colors and sighs. THE NEXT WEEK IN THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Back from the base town, Gaius finds Uther in his apartments, Morgana in his arms. This one seems cured. Uther (to Morgana) : I never thought ... (perceiving Gaius) It's truly a miracle! IN THE CORRIDORS OF THE CASTLE Uther : Thank you Gaius, I knew you would not fail me. Gaius : I assure you Sire, I did nothing. Uther : Of course, I understand, I will not ask any questions ... but I will not forget this Gaius. Uther leaves. Gaius finds Merlin sitting in the open gallery. Merlin : I could not watch everyone's grievance ... Gaius : I know. But you're playing with things that are beyond you ... THE APARTMENTS OF MORGANA Gwen installs Morgana. Morgana (seeing Uther) : Thank you Gwen (Gwen takes leave ) Uther (taking Morgana's hands) : I could never let you die. I think I will show you to live. Morgana : You've been so good to me. I'm grateful. Uther : You and Arthur ... you mean everything to me Morgana. Morgana : I know I could not be better guardian. Being so close to death has made me realize how important you and Arthur are to me. How close we are to each other ... Uther : Yes. Morgana : You're like a father to me. Uther : Yes Morgana : I wish the people knew that. Uther : They do. Morgana (understanding that Uther does not want to recognize her) : Not really Uther : Of course they do. Morgana : In the eyes of the people I am no more than your ward ... a guest. Uther : What's matter is what we feel. That's what's important, not what the people think. I must let you rest. Uther leaves the room. Morgana finds herself alone in her room, shocked by Uther's denial. THE FALLEN NIGHT, CAMELOT In the corridors, a servant carrying a tray is surprised by an attacker. Morgana stands in a gallery when Morgause appears. Morgana : Morgause !? Morgause : Sister, I've waited for you the other night. What happened? (Morgana's face closes) Morgause : Something is wrong? Morgana : There is much to tell you Morgause. Morgause : What is it? Morgana : I overheard Uther. Morgause : What? Morgana : Uther is my father ... I am his daughter. Morgause : Uther? Morgana : He's been lying to me, all these years. Morgause (reflective) : But this is glorious news. Morgana : He disowned me. He wants to think that he's the perfect king. It's more important to him than his own flesh and blood. Morgause : Do not you see? This is wonderful. You have a legitimate claim to his throne. Morgana : No sister ... You do not understand ... He must pay for this. The tocsin sounds. Morgana : You must go! Morgause : No, I do not want to leave you like this. Morgana : you must, or they'll find you here. Morgause : Do not do anything rash Morgana, promise me! (she kisses him on the cheek) We must bide our time! Morgana does not seem to agree but as the guards get closer, Morgause disappears. IN THE CORRIDORS OF CAMELOT Arthur is at the foot of the attacked servant. Gaius and Merlin join him. Arthur (to a guard) : We need to seal the drawbridge. Search the grounds. (To Gaius) I'll inform the King. (He leaves the room) As the doctor raises the hand of the recumbent bottle full of spilled wine, Merlin makes the connection with one of the visions he had in Crystal Cave. Gaius (seeing Merlin's air) : Merlin, what's the matter? Merlin (shocked to the last degree) : That was the next picture I saw in the crystal. I have not stopped anything !! THE APARTMENTS OF MORGANA Morgana is at her dressing table, Gwen redone the bed. Morgana (pensive) : Have they found the intruder? Gwen : Not yet. Looks like it's gonna be a bad night. Morgana : Yes ... A few minutes later, Merlin burst into Morgana's room where she is ready to go out, her dagger again to the side. A tense conversation begins. Morgana (in Merlin) : What are you doing here! Merlin : Arthur sends me to look after you. He's worried about the intruder. Morgana (getting ready to go out) : I do not need you! Merlin (blocking his way): He was quite insistent. Morgana tries to hit Merlin but he holds her back. Morgana ( shouting, using magic) : Get out of my way !! Merlin is thrown against the wall. A candlestick falls to the ground and starts a fire. Morgana leaves the room leaving the wizard unconscious. A few minutes later, Merlin regains consciousness. Understanding the situation, he utters a cry of rage, the same image as seen in the crystals. IN THE UTHER APARTMENTS Morgana enters and stops in front of the bed where the king is asleep. She takes out her dagger and gets ready to shoot him while Merlin arrives in the room. Hiding behind a pillar, it causes the implosion of windows, whose breath projects Morgana against the wall. Uther (waking with a start ): What's going on! Morgana : Eur ... There was a fire, I ... and I was scared. (She approaches Uther, discreetly sliding the dagger under the bed) I wanted to be with you. You're the only person I feel safe with. Uther takes her in his arms. LATER IN THE APARTMENTS OF GAIUS Merlin and Gaius are sitting at the table Gaius : You saved the king's life. Merlin : Only just. I thought it might be, I made it happen. Gaius : What you did was dangerous. Even for someone as gifted as you. But, what's done is done. There is more important things for us to ... I fear that Morgana knows the truth. Merlin : About what? Gaius : She knows the king is her father. That explains why she acted so suddenly. Arthur must be careful. Merlin : Why? Gaius : Morgana is of royal blood. If Uther were to die, Arthur is all that stands between her ... and the throne of Camelot. . . * THE END *	Plan: A: an old sorcerer; Q: Who shows Merlin a vision of the future? A: Uther; Q: Who does Morgana appear to kill in the Crystal Cave? A: Events; Q: What begins unfolding as they did in the vision? A: nighttime; Q: When did Morgana visit Morgause? A: Morgana's skull; Q: What does Merlin accidentally fracture when he tries to stop Morgana? A: the Great Dragon; Q: Who does Merlin force to help save Morgana? A: Uther's grief; Q: What makes Uther confess to Gaius that Morgana is his daughter? A: the revelation; Q: What does Morgana hate about Merlin's mistake? A: the real assassination attempt; Q: What does Merlin have to foil? A: the crystal; Q: Where did Merlin see the real assassination attempt? Summary: When Merlin enters the Crystal Cave, an old sorcerer shows Merlin a vision of the near future in which Morgana appears to kill Uther. Events begin unfolding as they did in the vision and Merlin misinterprets Morgana's nighttime visit to Morgause as sneaking off to kill Uther. Merlin tries to stop her, accidentally fracturing Morgana's skull. Merlin cannot live with Arthur and Uther's extreme anguish over Morgana's impending death and forces the Great Dragon to help save her. Unfortunately, Uther's grief makes him confess to Gaius that Morgana is his daughter, which she remembers after Merlin's heals her. Morgana is bitter at the revelation and Merlin has to foil the real assassination attempt, the one he saw in the crystal.
Scene: The Comic Book Store Howard: Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space. Stuart: Well, Howard, that's very nice of you. Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Open it first. Howard: It's my official NASA portrait. Stuart: To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was." Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world. Howard: That's not true. At the Walgreens I was over the moon for their store-brand antacids. Raj: Hey, Stuart, I see you're getting ready for your Halloween party. Stuart: Yeah, it's my annual attempt to meet women. Ninth time's the charm. Raj: Would you like me to help? I do have a certain je ne sais quois when it comes to soirees. Stuart: Thanks, but I can't afford je ne sais quois. How much for just quois? Raj: You know, you don't worry about money. I'll take care of everything. Stuart: Really? Raj: Yeah, you'll love it. Ain't no party like a Koothra-party. Howard: But you know what wasn't a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it's your last night on Earth. You'd think you'd get one p0rn channel. Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space? Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let's apply the scientific method, perform an experiment. Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner? Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don't go there for the food, you go there for the view. Sheldon: It's fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in? Howard: Not really. Sheldon: Oh, well. Howard: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back. Credits sequence. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar Amy: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this? Penny: I hope so. Amy: Question. Do you think your husband's fondness for turtlenecks is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin? Penny: It's not getting any better. (Text tone) Ugh. It's Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later. Bernadette: I thought you liked Halloween. Penny: I do, it's just he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kind of creepy. Bernadette: Like my husband? Amy: And my boyfriend? Penny: I'm, I'm sorry, Amy. You were saying something about Howard's foreskin? Bernadette: Nice try, but you have to go to that party because we're going. Penny: Yeah, I'm gonna go. It's just not my idea of a good time. Bernadette: Leonard does thing he doesn't like to make you happy. Penny: Well, yeah, he's my boyfriend. Isn't that, like, his job? Amy: Then what's your job? Penny: Letting him make me happy. Bernadette: I just think in relationships you get back what you put into them. Amy: That's not always true. Last night I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look, and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated. Penny: I guess I could probably try a little harder. Bernadette: You could start by taking an interest in his work. Penny: Yeah, that's kind of a problem. Amy: Why? Penny: Not really clear on what he does. Bernadette: He's an experimental physicist. Penny: Yeah, I'm not really clear on what that means. Amy: He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy. Penny: Yeah, you're really just making it worse. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like? Amy: I think I'm gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger. Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You're not at a rave. Amy: So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume. Sheldon: I couldn't agree more. Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you. Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart's party and all eyes turn to see America's most beloved and glamorous couple. Amy: Yeah? Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio. Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don't even like. Sheldon: Okay, I'm gonna let that slide because I know you're hopped up on tea bags. Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can't we find something that we're both happy with? Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett? Scene: Leonard's laboratory. Penny: Anybody home? Leonard: Hey, what are you doing here? Penny: I just thought I'd stop by and say hello. Leonard: Oh, what a nice surprise. I don't think you've ever seen my lab before. Penny: No, I know. It's long overdue. So, what ya doing? Better not be building a robot girlfriend. Leonard: No. Although Howard was making some real strides in that area until he met Bernadette. Penny: You're kidding. Leonard: Nope. Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring. Penny: Ooh! What's going on in here? Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, don't look in there. Penny: What, is it secret? Leonard: No, it's a nitrogen laser. It'll cook your eyeball like a soft-boiled egg. Penny: Oh. You might want to put a sign on it. Leonard: Sign right there. Penny: Ah. Danger. Sure, sure. Yeah. What's, what's that? Leonard: Uh, that is an integrated ion trap and time-of-flight mass spectrometer. Penny: Wow. High-techie-techie. What's this little box? Leonard: That is a pencil sharpener. Penny: Ooh, low-techie-techie. So, what are you working on right now? Leonard: It's actually pretty neat. Penny: Yeah? Leonard: Yeah. It's a front-projected holographic display combined with laser-based finger tracking. Here, I'll show you. We'll just put this pencil over here. Penny: Sharp. Thanks to the machine we saw earlier. Leonard: Very good. And then a laser will map the reflective surface, and voila. (A floating 3D image of the pencil appears. Leonard moves it around with his finger) Penny: Wow. That is amazing. Leonard: You know, there's a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram. Penny: What do you mean? (Leonard flicks a switch. The hologram changes to a view of the planet Earth). Oh! Wow! Leonard: Uh-huh. Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really (changes view to solar system) just be information (changes view to the galaxy) on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. (Starts the galaxy spinning) So it's possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe. Penny: Hmm. Leonard: What? Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are. Leonard: You should visit more often. What are you doing? Penny: Take off your clothes. Leonard: What? Here? Now? Penny: Yeah. You got a problem with that? Leonard: No, no. It's kind of crazy. I've never fooled around in the lab before. Penny: Really? Never? Leonard: No. I did have a shot with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn't long enough. Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: Before I forget, I'd like your opinion on the menus I've prepared for the Halloween party. The theme is food that goes bump in the night. Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon. Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas. Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread? Raj: It's funny because bread sounds like dead. Sheldon: I'm sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie. Raj: Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That's a good one. They'll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it? Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where's your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut? Leonard: Hello, boys. Sheldon: What are you smiling at? Leonard: Nothing. Howard: You know where's there's a lot of nothing. All: Space. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's bedroom. Howard: Boy, it's nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again. Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the air lock? Bernadette: Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice. Howard: So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds. What to do? What to do to you? Astronaut Wolowitz, reporting for booty. Preparing thrusters. We have liftoff. Are we clear to jettison that nightgown? Bernadette: Okay, we need to talk. Howard: What? Bernadette: Howie, I know you went to space. I'm incredibly proud of you. But you might want to try and not bring it up every minute. Howard: I don't talk about it every minute. Bernadette: Tonight at dinner you went on bout it for an hour straight. Howard: What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets. Bernadette: I'm just saying, people are getting a little tired of it. Howard: So, I did this amazing thing and I'm never allowed to mention it? Bernadette: Of course you can. But maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up. Howard: Okay, no problem. It won't happen again. Bernadette: I love you. Howard: I love you, too. I can't tell you how many times I dreamed I was in bed here with you when I was... you know. What, I can't even point? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Leonard's lab. Leonard: So, basically, this is what's called mag-lev technology. It uses very powerful electromagnets to create a force strong enough to overcome gravity. Here, you hold this. Penny: Whoa! That's heavy. Leonard: Yeah. Oh, uh, you don't have on any jewellery, do you? Penny: No. Why? Leonard: A grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings. Now he's on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size. Now watch this. Penny: Whoa! That is very cool. Leonard: Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I'm the super villain Magneto. Penny: Getting a little less cool, Leonard. Leonard: But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him. Penny: There we go. Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy's tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who. Sheldon: A Tardis makes no sense. It's a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don't get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks. Raj: Do you have a preference? Howard: I don't care. Get the Tardis. Sheldon: Yes! This party just became a major rager. Raj: Oh, by the way, can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora? Howard: Yeah, sure, whatever. Raj: I was thinking of dressing up as Indiana Jones' mocha-skinned love child. Indian Jones. Howard: Clever. Raj: What's wrong with you? Howard: Nothing. Raj: Oh, Howard, I've got a party to plan. Don't make me pull it out of you. Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true? Sheldon: Yes. Raj: No. Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you're doing. Raj: It's called being nice. Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I'll try it. Howard: You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won't talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again. Sheldon: Look at that, the problem solved itself. Leonard: Hello, boys. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper? Amy: You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up. Sheldon: No, I don't think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it's a lost cause. Amy: No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he's not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and s*x tapes. Pick one. Sheldon: What's a hickey? Scene: Howard and Bernadette's bedroom. Howard and Bernadette are dressed as smurfs. Bernadette: How do I look? Howard: Fine. Bernadette: Uh-oh, is someone a little blue? Come on, Howie, that's like the funniest thing I've ever said in my life. What do you say? You ready to go? Howard: To tell you the truth, I'm not really in the mood. Bernadette: What are you talking about? It'll be fun. All your friends'll be there. Howard: Yeah, some friends. They all think I'm boring. Maybe you should go without me. Bernadette: No, if I'm there alone, people might think I'm just a really short person from Avatar. Howard: I'm sorry. I just don't want to go. Bernadette: Hey, I just spent the last three hours colouring myself blue. I'm gonna be washing paint out of my Smurf for a month. Howard: Fine. Two weeks ago I was an astronaut. Bernadette: Yeah, well, now you're a Smurf. Keep walking. Scene: The comic book store. Penny: Oh, my God, you guys look adorable. Bernadette: Thanks, so do you. Slutty cop? Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with a skirt and two badges. Bernadette: And Albert Einstein? Leonard: Ja, und later she's going to arrest me for goink fashter zen da shpeed of light. Penny: I thought we said in the car, no accents? Leonard: Sorry, Officer. Girl dressed as a Witch: Hello. It's a great party. Stuart: Thank you. Witch: The monster foods, they're really fun. Stuart: Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I'm fun. I'm not clinically depressed at all. Amy: Sheldon, get in here. Sheldon: I should've picked hickey. Stuart: Hey, hey, look at you guys! Amy: I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO. Sheldon: It was a compromise. I lost. Raj: Can you believe Stuart's walking around taking credit for this party? Howard: Who cares? Raj: What do you mean who cares? Look at what I pulled off here. The DJ's on fire, there's a Tardis photo booth in the back room, and, oh, my God, the food. Stuart wanted Kraft Draculoni and cheese. Howard: You're right, the party's fantastic. Please, tell me more. I haven't heard enough about it all week because hearing about that never gets old. Raj: Is this about the space thing again? Howard: Well, I'm not allowed to talk about it, but since you brought it up, I went to space! Space, space! Space! Space, space! Space! Bernadette: Whoa, Drinky Smurf. Can I talk to you for a second? Howard: Great, now I'm in trouble. You happy? Bernadette: You, out! You are being very rude. Howard: No, I'm not. They're all being rude. And you're being rude. Bernadette: Me? What did I do? Howard (in a squeaky voice): Oh, Howie, stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it. Bernadette (in a gruff voice): I don't sound like that. Howard: You're my wife. You're supposed to be on my side. Bernadette: I'm always on your side. Howard: Then why are you trying to take this away from me? Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I'm ever gonna do. If I stop talking about it, then I'm just... Bernadette: Just what? Howard: Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again. Bernadette: Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know. Howard: You're just saying that. Bernadette: No, I'm not. I married him. On purpose. Come here. Howard: I love you. Bernadette: I love you, too. Penny (emerging from Tardis): Nothing to see here. Just sexy police business. Leonard: Just explaining the theory of relativity. Twice. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's bedroom. Bernadette: Hey, what you watching? Howard: I don't know. Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin. Buzz (on video, handing Halloween candy to children): Here you go. It's a Milky Way. The Milky Way's a galaxy in space. I've been in space. Here's a Mars bar. I'm an astronaut. And this one's a Moon Pie. I walked on the Moon. What have you done? Howard: Okay, I get it.	Plan: A: a Halloween costume party; Q: What do Stuart and Raj organize at the comic book store? A: Bernadette; Q: Who forbids Howard from talking about space? A: their partners; Q: Who do Amy and Bernadette go to the Halloween party with? A: Penny; Q: Who dislikes parties at the comic book store? A: Leonard's activities; Q: What do Amy and Bernadette convince Penny to show interest in? A: their advice; Q: What did Penny take to visit Leonard's lab? A: his work; Q: What is Leonard fascinated by? A: sex; Q: What does Penny have with Leonard when she visits his lab? A: pair costumes; Q: What do Sheldon and Amy argue over? A: Raggedy Ann & Andy; Q: What is Amy's preferred costume? A: Howard; Q: Who is the character who talks about his space mission? A: his space mission; Q: What does Howard talk about to his friends? A: Bernadette confronts Howard; Q: Who confronts Howard? A: Howard Wolowitz; Q: Who does Bernadette fall in love with? A: Buzz Aldrin boring children; Q: What video does Raj send to Howard to make him realize his mistake? A: his Moon trip; Q: What does Buzz Aldrin talk about in the video that Raj sends to Howard? Summary: Stuart and Raj organize a Halloween costume party at the comic book store. Amy and Bernadette will go with their partners, but Penny dislikes parties at the store. Amy and Bernadette then persuade her to show interest in Leonard's activities just as he shows interest in hers despite not liking them. Taking their advice, she visits Leonard's lab, is fascinated by his work, is turned on, and has sex with him there - and whenever she visits his lab or he shows how smart he is, as at the party. Meanwhile, Sheldon and Amy argue over pair costumes, compromising between Amy's preferred Raggedy Ann & Andy and Sheldon's R2-D2 & C-3PO to go as Raggedy Ann and Raggedy C-3PO. Elsewhere, Howard talks endlessly about his space mission, boring his friends. Before sex, Bernadette forbids all space talk, so he boycotts the party. She drags him along anyway; he lashes out at Raj for having him silenced. Bernadette confronts Howard, who reveals that without space he is "just...Howard Wolowitz". She says she fell in love with "just...Howard Wolowitz"; they kiss. Raj later sends him a video of Buzz Aldrin boring children by endlessly mentioning his Moon trip, and Howard finally realizes his mistake.
Omega Chi house - Evan's bedroom Evan and Casey are getting dressed while chatting. Casey : So, I'm thinking I'll wear blue to the tea, then black to the president's diner. Or is black too sexpot ? Evan : What's wrong with sexpot ? You look good in sexpot. Casey : Oh, and I'm sure your parents would think so. Evan : Sexpottery is the first thing you should bring up with my parents. Casey : Come on, be serious. So, what shouldn't I bring up ? Evan : Hum... reality TV. My mother thinks it's beneath contempt. She on the board at PBS, so... Casey : I'll cram in episode of « Masterpiece Theatre ». Evan : Nice. And, as for my dad, he just got burned trying to buy an IT company. So, don't mention technology. He'll go ballistic. Casey : Ok, No technology. Evan : Yeah, no technology. And I guess the number one topic to avoid is, hum, my brother Patrick. Casey : The one who... Evan : Lives in Costa Rica, wear mandals, has dreadlocks ? That's him. Don't worry, you're gonna be great. Casey : It's just that I know how important they are to you. And the rest of the world. I mean, you're like, part of a dynasty. The Chambers of Chambers International and Chambers Foundation. I mean, your father's being honored for donating a building to CRU. That's major. Evan : I'm used to it, I guess. Casey : I love that it's no big deal to you. It's... sexy. Evan : Someday, you and I...(They lie on the bed and start kissing) ... will have a dynasty of your own. KT House - Living room Cappie is lie on the pool table telling a story to his brothers. Cappie : In 79 AD, on some date right around now, the mighty Mount Vesuvius erupted, laying waste to the Citizen of Pompei. Each year, we honor those lost souls...with beer bongs and hotties. All : Yeah ! Cappie : Vesuvius is a homecoming legend. No one on Greek Row even tries to compete on this night. Ir's the party against which all other parties are judged. Rusty hands up. Cappie : Spitter ? Rusty : Do we need dates ? All laugh. Cappie : No little man, dates are for date functions. This is a party. Parties are for random hook-ups. This is a perfect opportunity for you to hone your game. Rusty : Great. Doorbell rings. Rusty : I got it. Cappie : He's got it. Rusty goes to open the front door. There are a lot of girls from all sororities who bring baskets. A girl : Crush basket delivery ! Rusty : What's a crush basket ? All girls come in handing him baskets, and go out. Except one ! A ZBZ girl. ZBZ girl : A crush basket is one of the many ways a ZBZ girl, or any other sorority girl, for the matter, can let a guy know that she's interested in him. ZBZ handbook. Rusty is still crowed with the baskets. ZBZ girl : Uh, do you want some help ? Rusty : Hum... Maybe you can pick that up while I take these in. ZBZ girl : Ok. Rusty goes to the living room with the baskets. Rusty : Crush baskets. All : Yeah ! All right ! Rusty comes back to take the last baskets. ZBZ girl : I'm Jen K. There are three Jens in ZBZ house : Jen R, Jen B, and Jen Y. Funny, huh ? « Jen Y » like « Gen Y ». Rusty says nothing while his brothers come to help him. Jen K : So, what's your name ? Rusty : Rusty C. For Cartwright. Jen K : Cartwright ? There's a Cartwright in my sorority. We have to memorize everyone for pledging. Casey Cartwright. Junior. ZBZ pledge Educator. Favorite color : pink. One brother. Oh. Are you the brother Rusty : Yes. But Casey and I aren't exactly in the same social circle, as in probably none of those crush baskets are for me. Jen K : Oh. Doorbell rings again. And Rusty's going to open the door. A Tri-Pi girl : One more. This is for Cappie form all the girls at Tri-Pi. The Tri-Pi girl leaves and Jen K too. Jen K : I gotta go. Bye. Cappie comes. Cappie : Come on, Spitter, we've got a meeting to finish up in here. They shut the front door. Rusty : This is for you. Cappie : So many Tri-Pis, so little shame. What about those two ? Rusty goes to pick those two baskets. Rusty : Ben Bennet and ... Rusty... « From your ZBZ secret admirer ». Cappie (smiles) : Hey Wade, get the camera. Our little Rusty just got his first crush basket. All are cheering. Credits KT House - Living-room Rusty : Do you realize what this means ? Cappie : Basket isn't from your sister, I hope. Rusty : Somebody already likes me. I could actually get a girlfriend without having to do stuff I'm terrible at. Like talking to girls. Figure out she is so I don't do something stupid in front of her without even knowing it. Cappie explore Rusty's baskets. Cappie : Don't rush me. (He notices a note) Rusty : What is this ? Cappie : « Hey, sexy. Wear this T-shirt to Vesuvius. » You're gonna look like a traffic cone. I guess, she'll be able to pick you out of the crowd. Rusty : I can't believe she called me sexy. I Wonder who she is. Cappie : Settle down. She's going to reveal herself to you at the party. So you just have to avoid doing something embarrassing for 48 hours. Rusty : I can do that. Cappie : Your fly's open. ZBZ House - Ashleigh & Casey's room « Man : I do believe 'twas he. Woman : Oh no, my lord, I've been talking with a suitor here... » Ashleigh is watching TV. Ashleigh : Are they even speaking English ? Casey : It's Shakespeare, Ashleigh. What do you think . Is it Katie Couric, or Meredith Viera ? Ashleigh : Neither. What's up with the bad news-anchor fashion ? Casey : There are certain expectations that come with being a Chambers. They're American royalty; I want to live up to those expectations. Ashleigh : American royalty ? So you could be like Princess Diana. Before the tunnel. Casey : Exactly. Rebecca walks in front of Casey and Ashleigh's room. Rebecca : Oh. I didn't know middle-aged matron was in this season. Casey shuts the room door. KT House - Heath's room Heath and Calvin are getting dressed. Heath : Hey, I was thinking, maybe we could spend a little more time together. Go to something. Clothed. Calvin : You mean something like, uh, I pick you up in my dad's minivan, bring you some flowers, pay for a movie and hope you hold my hand during scary parts ? What did you have in mind ? Heath : I don't know. Grab some food ? Calvin : Well, we all got to eat. Calvin is ready to leave by the window. Calvin : I'll give you a call. ZBZ House Casey, Evan and his parents are in the dinning-room. Casey : I'm so glad you cold come see the house. Evan : Casey's gonna be president of ZBZ next year. Mr. Chambers : Good for you. We're so pleased that Evan decided to run for Omega Chi president. It's a great thing to have on that résumé if you want to get into politics. Casey : Oh. Evan's political. Just yesterday we were watching « Frontline ». Mrs. Chambers : I don't know girls your age that Watch public television. Casey : All the time in fact. I just saw the most wonderful adaptation of « Othello » on PBS. The staging of Desdemona's murder was incredibly powerful. Mrs. Chambers : I helped secure funding for that. Casey : You're kidding ! Well, you have excellent taste. Mrs. Chambers : I like to think so. Rebecca joins them. Rebecca : Hi, Casey. So that's why you were trying on all those clothes ! These must be Evan's parents ! Mr. Chambers : Pleasure. Rebecca : Evan totally has your eyes. Mrs. Chambers : Thank you. Rebecca : I'm Rebecca Logan. Casey's my big Sis in the sorority. Mrs. Chambers : You're Senator Logan's daughter ! We heard you were going to school here. Mr. Chambers : You didn't mention you knew her. Evan : Uh, it must have slipped my mind. Rebecca : Casey didn't mention you, which is surprising because Casey and I share everything when it comes to Evan. Right, Casey ? Evan clears throat. Rebecca : Mr. Chambers, I just read about the new IT company you're acquiring. You must be thrilled, your biggest deal. Mr. Chambers : The deal didn't go th rough. Some political antitrust bull. Rebecca : I'm sorry to hear that. It's too bad we didn't meet earlier. Maybe my father could've helped out. Well, next time. Mrs. Chambers : Rebecca, why don't you join us ? Evan : No, No, she... Rebecca's a very busy person. Mr. Chambers : Oh, just like your mother. Rebecca : Besides, you're here to get to know Casey, not boring old me. Congratulations on being honored. Mr. Chambers : Thank you. KT House - In the Garden All the brothers are around Cappie for a meeting. Cappie : Gentlemen, behind this tarp sits an important piece of Kappa Tau lore. It was built in 1999 by the legendary Kappa Tau, Egyptian Joe, who was inspired after a weekend of special brownies and a « Real World : Hawaii » marathon. Last year, this baby violated several local fire ordinances and one law of physics. After eight years at Cyprus Rhodes, Joe was forced to leave. A man : Bummer. All bow their heads. Cappie : But, his proud creation lives on. I give you Vesuvius ! All are cheering. Cappie : Beaver, let's light this mother up. Sparks arise and Vesuvius crack up. All are groaning. Cappie : What the... ? All right, well, let's not panic yet. All are murmuring, while Cappie check the Vesuvius. Cappie : Now you can panic. Rusty : So wait. What does this mean ? Cappie : This means we're doomed. This could be worse than the O'Doul's Debacle of '05. Beaver : Hey, who knew O'Doul's didn't have alcohol in it ? Cappie : Everybody knew, Beaver. If only we could figure out the volcano's instruction manual. It's pretty science-y. Rusty : I'm science-y ! Give me the manual, I'll fix the volcano ! Cappie : You're sure pledge . Because if you do this, this party is in your hands. Your small, delicate, very girlish hands. Rusty : This volcano is gonna break two laws of physics. All : All right ! Cappie : We counting on you, Spitter. Just our reputation as party mecca, my legacy as president and your love life ride on this. No pressure. ZBZ House - Casey & Ashleigh's room Casey : Come on, Time for a shopping trip. You've got to help me find a new dress for Mr. Chambers' dinner. Ashleigh (she groans) : Casey, you are totally overreacting. So Rebecca Logan stole your thunder at tea. So what ? You're forgetting the most important thing : You're awesome and their son is totally in love with you. Casey : That's true. You're right. I can turn this around. I'm Casey Cartwright. Parents tend to love me. Like Derek, my High school boyfriend. His mom said I was the daughter she never had. And she had a daughter. It was so awkward. Ashleigh : So what are you worried about ? Evan's parents are in different league, which is why I need the perfect dress. Are you in ? Ashleigh : Are you kidding me ? You had me at shopping trip. EXT. CRU Calvin and Rusty are walking in the street. Rusty : I mean, this Egyptian Joe guy was a poetry major. How complicated could his engineering be ? And then once I fix his volvano, I'll be on my way to meet my dream woman. Calvin : Hum... Rusty : I just follow the manual, add a little imagination... Calvin : Hum... Rusty : ...and expose myself to the Ebola virus. Calvin : People can't be satisfied with how things are. Why do they push things to the next level ? Rusty : After setting myself on fire. Calvin : What are you talking about ? Rusty : Nothing. What are you talking about ? Calvin (He chuckles) : Nothing. Rusty : Nothing as in you and your top-secret mystery relationship ? Calvin : No, no, it's not a Relationship. It's a thing. People are on strike and they are chanting. We can see Dale. « Two, four, six, eight We don't let you detonate Two, four, six, eight We don't let you detonate » Rusty : Dale ! What are you doing ? Dale : We're staging a protest to save the Remington/Herzog Atmospheric Destabilizing Module. Calvin : The what ? Rusty : It's a device that manipulates weather patterns in a confined area. The DOD commissioned it in the 1980s. It never worked. Dale : No, that's exactly what they want you to think. They never turned it on. They don't want to turn it on. They're afraid of possibilities. We can't let fear destroy progress. You join us. Rusty : Actually, we're going to Dobler's for a pledge mixer. Calvin : Rusty's gonna rub elbows with secret admirer. Dale : Enjoy your sin while the university destroys the most innovative prototype in all of science. Whatever happened to priorities . Rusty : Sorry, Dale. Dale : You're no scientist, Rusty Cratwright. DOBLER'S Rusty and Calvin have a drink. Rusty : Do you see that ? I think she smiled at me. Maybe that's her. Calvin : Well, she's definitely wasting her time on him. Rusty : Is that the mystery guy ? Calvin : I'm not telling. Jen K : Hey, Rusty ! Both gasp. Jen K : Remember me ? Jen K ? Crush baskets ? Rusty : yeah. Where'd you come from ? Jen K : Right over there. I've been here for a while, but I didn't want to interrupt. I started to feel weird just sitting there. So I decided to say something. I wasn't sure of what to say. Calvin : I'm gonna go get a refill. Calvin leaves. Jen K : So how that crush basket thing turn out ? Rusty : Wait. You delivered the crush baskets. You must know who my secret admirer is. Jen K : No, I was just the messenger. Why would you want to know, anyway ? I'd rather have the secret. And I could imagine it's an body I wanted and not that weird guy in my English class who blew on my neck. That's if guys gave crush baskets, but they don't. Rusty : You know, I think Calvin could use a hand by the bar, so... Jen K : I can help ! (she gasps and shatters a glass on rusty's pants) Oh, I'm sorry. Rusty : Stop. Jen K : No Rusty : Jen... Jen ! Jen K : It's fine. I'll help. Rusty : Jen, stop !! KT House Doorbell ring and Cappie open the door to a policeman. Policeman : I need a noise permit for the Vesuvius Party. Cappie : Since when does that rule get enforced ? Policeman : Since I was hired. Cappie : Oh, Ok, I get it. So, uh, Officer... Huck, you look like you could use a little break. You want to come on in and we'll set you up with a nice cold beer. That's what Officer Bob always did. Where is good old Bob, anyway ? Policeman : Rehab. Cappie : Oh. Policeman : Your permit deadline was today 0900 hours. No permit, no party. Although you could see if the Events Office will make an exception. All you got to do is ask Gladys. Cappie groans and shut the door. Cappie : Gladys ! All are groaning. Cappie : Pledge ! A boy run to Cappie. Cappie : Assemble my Cougar Sack. Don't forget to put in the aftershave. I said, bring me my Cougar Sack ! The boy run into upstairs. Cappie : I'm going in. ZBZ House - Living - room Evan waits for Casey in the coach. Casey : Hey, what perfect timing. I was trying on the dress I got for your dad's dinner. What do you think ? I was going for Angelina Jolie. You know, sexy for you, charitable for your parents. Evan : It's great. It's great. It's, um...Listen, Case, about dinner... Casey : Oh, is it too sexy ? Too Angelina-home wrecker, not UN ambassador ? Evan : No, no, no. It's perfect. It's not that. It's... Ok. My parents just invited some bigwig to sit at their table. Some political connections that can help my dad. Some, you know, asset. He sights. Evan : I feel like a total jerk, but... they need your ticket. Casey : My... ticket ? Evan : Yeah, Yeah. I mean, they needed a seat at the table for this ... person. Casey : Wow. I thought they liked me. Evan : They do. They do like you. This is nothing personal. It's just business. Casey : You know... When someone tells you it's not personal, I mean, it's something personal. Evan : No, not with my parents. Ok, you've got to trust me. Ok, this has nothing to do with you. This is the way things work in Chambers-land. Never miss an opportunity to network. And you can appreciate that, right ? Casey : Sure, I get it. Evan : Great. He exhales. Evan : Um...Ok, I'll call you as soon as I get back. (Silence) We're cool, right ? Casey : Of course. Evan : Ok. CRU dorms - Rusty's bedroom. Rusty is reading manual of Vesuvius, with a lot of pieces around him. Dale is in his side of bedroom, reading a brochure. Rusty : None of this makes any sense. Listen to this. Ah. « Golden Wheat Thin, Crunchy little bite of god, With love, I eat you ». Dale : I think that's a haiku. Rusty : I know, but it doesn't help me build this stupid volcano. Neither does a list of the bra sizes of the 2005 Tri-Pi pledge class. Or drawings about different types of monkeys. Damn it ! Air hissing and Dale gasps. Rusty : Without this volcano, there will be no party, there's gonna be no secret admirer, and then I'll never get a girlfriend. Dale : You shouldn't be concentrating on this anyway, all right ? The module situation has gotten dire. We're gonna stage an all-campus sit-in and I really hope to see you there. Dale hands the brochure and leaves. Rusty : « Crunchy little bite of god. » ZBZ House Jen K open the front door. It's Rusty. Jen K : Oh. Hi. I'm glad it's you. I wanted to apologize for any part that I payed... Rusty : Stop talking. One word answers. Is my sister here ? Jen K : No. Rusty : Did she take her car ? Jen K : I think so. Three words. Sorry. What's wrong ? Rusty : I need a car. It's a matter of life and death. Social death. Jen K : I have a car. I can drive you. Look, I know I talk a lot, but it's because I'm nervous around new people. It gets a lot better once I get to know a person. And I'm a good driver. And you seem really desperate. Administration Office Gladys : I don't care if you're raising money for children in Darfur. Request to assemble denied. Next ! Cappie : Hello there, sunshine. Gladys : Is that Old Spice you're wearing ? Cappie : Why, yes, it is. Ultra. Gladys : What do you want ? Cappie : Well, I was told you were a discerning woman. A woman who appreciates the classics. And after so many years wasted on callow young women who don't, I decided to gather up my courage and seek out a kindred spirit. That is what I want, Gladys. She sniffs and smiles. Gladys : That's a very jazzy jacket. No one wears madras anymore. Cappie : More's the pity. And might I say the same about your lovely sweater ? Why did they stop sequins on wool ? Next man : Can we please hurry things up ? Gladys : Hold your water, pal. ZBZ House Casey and Ashleigh down stairs. Casey : After this, I'm going on a fro-yo binge. Ashleigh : You are bummed about Evan screwing you out of going to this dad's dinner. I can cancel on Calvin. You need me. Casey : I'm fin, Ash. And I told you, he didn't screw me. It was a business decision. Nothing personal. And I'm totally ok with it. I'm more than OK. I'm good with it. Rebecca : Hi, guys. So ? (She's turning on herself in a black dress) It was designed for Kate Hudson for the Golden Globes, but she didn't have the goods to fill it out. Lucky me, I get to wear it to the dinner. Casey : What dinner ? Rebecca : The dinner for Evan's dad; I guess a ticket just became available and they invited me. Wasn't that sweet ? EXT. CRU Heath and Calvin are to a table in a Café. Calvin : All right. So we're clothed and we're eating. Heath : I was also hoping we could talk. Ashleigh : Hey guys ! Calvin : Ashleigh ! Ashleigh : Sorry, I'm late. Major house drama. Calvin : What do you doing here ? Ashleigh : What do you mean ? You told me... Calvin : Well, join us. Omega Chi House - Evan's room Casey : « Some big-wig » Evan ? « Some big-wig » is Rebecca Logan ? How could you do this to me. Evan : Oh, God. Casey : Did you think I wouldn't find out ? Evan : I hoped you wouldn't. Casey : It's like you cheated on me again ! Evan : No, no, Case, listen to me. It's not like that at all. Ok, I shouldn't have told you. You're right. You're right. It's just...I didn't think I could convince you it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. But now, you're making it a big deal, so I guess it is a big deal. Even though it's not a big deal. Casey : Are you trying to confuse me ? Evan : No. Casey : Because, it's not going to work. I am pissed. Evan : I know. Casey : So, if it inst' a big deal, Evan, why are you going and why is she going ? Evan : Because her father is a senator and my parents want to make that connection and there is nothing I can do about that... Case... (He sights)... it'll all be over in just a few hours. Casey : That may not be soon enough. Casey opens the bedroom door and she leaves. Evan : Case... EXT. CRU - In the street Ashleigh : I had a good time with you guys. Wait, I just had the best idea ! I am so going to hook you up with Zeta Beta at Vesuvius tonight ! Won't that be awesome ? So meet me by the kegs. See you guys at the party. Calvin : I can't wait. Ashleigh leaves. Calvin : So, I'll see you at the party too. Heath : You know what ? I think I'm gonna pass. Calvin : Pass ? On what ? Heath : Pass on this. Like whatever this is. This was a date and so you recruited Ashleigh to bust in so you wouldn't have a talk to me. Not cool. Heath leaves. CRU - Engineering building. Rusty walks slowly, as we heard footsteps approaching. Jen K : Hi. Rusty : What are you doing ? You're supposed to wait in the car. Jen K : I couldn't. It is so exciting. What is this place ? Rusty : Basement the engineering building. They use it for storage but you have to leave. I'm about to commit what could be a breach of homeland security. Jen K : Rusty, this is the most fun I've had since I got to this school. I'd tell you all the reasons why you let me help, but then I'd be talking a lot again. Like now. So I can't. Tell you. Rusty : I'm gonna steal the Remington/Herzog Atmospheric Destabilizing Module to power the Vesuvius volcano. If it works, the module will condense all moisture in a 300-foot radius, steam it up through the volcano like a geyser. It might even make a few thunderclaps. You're still interested ? Jen K : Thunderclaps ? Yeah. Rusty : Shhhh ! It's right up there. They go on to walk slowly to find Dale, slept against the room door, holding a placard where we can read « Will sit for Science ». Dale (slept) : I won't let you take it, you beast ! (He is awaking) Rusty ! You came ! Rusty : Uh, yeah. I had an idea to take this protect thing to the next level. Dale : I'm listening. Rusty : It's not enough to just keep this module from being destroyed. Let's say we save it. They keep it locked up, untouched, never used, not even once. Dale : I have dreamt of caressing its shiny aluminum shell. I imagine it to be very, uh, very smooth. Rusty : And then after we touch it, maybe we could just, I don't know, take it somewhere. Somewhere safe. And then... Jen K : We could turn it on. Dale : Rusty, lead me not into temptation. Rusty : I know, Dale, I know. But ask yourself this question : What's the biggest evil ? Committing an act of civil disobedience or allowing the fifth most innovative atmospheric prototype of all time to die a lonely, undignified death ? Dale : I have the key. They open the room door to see the Remington/Herzog Atmospheric Destabilizing Module. Rusty can wait to take it. Dale : Stop that ! Rusty : What ? Dale : Do you have any idea how delicate it is ? You can't just grab it like a slab of beef. Move. (He kneels to talk to the machine) Hell, pretty girl. I hate the way they've got you cooped up in this dirty crate. Rusty : Dale ! Come on ! Dale takes it and smiles as an alarm chirping loudly. [SCENE_BREAK] Rusty : Run !!! CRU street - In Jen K's car. Dale : Rusty, I can't go to jail. I have serious food allergies. Rusty : We're Ok, Dale. No one followed us. KT House Dale : You said we were going somewhere safe. Kappa Tau house is not safe ! It's a filth palace ! And I won't go in there and neither is the module ! Jen K : Think about it this way, Dale. This is the last place they'd think to look for it. Rusty : What about Jesus ? Dale : What about him ? Rusty : Didn't Jesus walk amongst the sinners ? Think of all people you'll have an opportunity to convert. Dale : Jesus, take the wheel. All right. ZBZ House - Living room Casey's on the couch as women chuckling and murmuring, and she see Rebecca go to Evan's dad dinner. Casey : Who's ready to start drinking ? KT House - In the garden Cappie got the noise permit. He's sighing as he used to drink. Rusty is in the volcano with Dale and Jen K. Rusty : Ok, the plan is we hook the volcano up to the module's cooling system to create the condensation effect. The module is beeping. Dale : It's exactly as I'd imagined. Rusty : So let's get to work. My secret admirer awaits. INT. KT House Heath's leaves his room as he meet Calvin in hallways. Calvin : Hey. Heath : Hi. Calvin : Well, listen, uh, I just wanted to apologize for the whole Ashleigh thing. And, uh, I wanted to tell you... Heath's brothers, Wade and an other guy, walk in the hallways. Heath : Hey ! What's up ? Wade : Yeah ! Party ! When they go, Calvin and Heath continue. Calvin : Um, look...Um, I thought this was just a fling, you know ? So when you wanted more, (he chuckles) it sort of freaked me out. Heath : I just asked for one date. Calvin : No, yeah. No, I know. Wade and the other guy come back in the hallways. Heath : Hey ! Wade : Whoo ! Heath (laughing) : Hey ! Wade : Yeah ! Calvin and Heath continue their conversation. Calvin : Ok, uh, what I'm trying to say is, uh... that it freaked me out when you wanted a date, but what freaked me out more was you blowing me off. And I realized that I really like you. And I don't know what that means, you know, but, uh, I would like to find out. So, uh, should we get out of here ? We check out the party ? Heath : You realize we can duck Ashleigh all night long ? Calvin : One second thought, let's grab a cup of coffee. Heath : Cool. (Other guys come in the hallways) Hey ! They're laughing and are going to the party. Both : Whoo ! KT House - In the garden All are partying, dressed in Hawaiian. Cappie meet Wade. Cappie : So does fuchsia make me look hippy ? Wade : Kinda. Cappie sees Casey. Cappie : Nice coconuts. So why aren't you at that posh dinner with his Pomposity Lord Chambers ? Casey : Oh, that. He went... (she clears throat) without me. Apparently, I'm not posh enough for his parents. Cappie : Ah, quintessential Chambers move. Use the son to expand the evil empire. And he went right along with it. Casey : It's not like that. Cappie : Well, whatever it's like, it's got you hitting Wade's Hula Hooch pretty hard. Cheers. Cappie leaves when Ashleigh join Casey. Ashleigh : Calvin and Heath totally dissed me ! I can't find them anywhere. Are you still moping over dump head Evan ? Just stop. Stop thinking about Rebecca in her designer dress with her boobs busting out, throwing herself all over Evan as they dance, his parents start writing their wedding vows. Just stop. Casey : I wasn't thinking about that ! Ashleigh : Oh. Casey : And now I am. I can't get it out my head ! Ashleigh : Ok, picture the audience in their underwear. Wait, that's for stage fright. This problem needs to be tackled head on. Casey : Where are we going ? Ashleigh : To make sure that skank doesn't put her hooks into your boyfriend. Casey : You are such a good friend. Ben Bennett and Dale are chatting. Ben : So David got stoned with the Philistines ? Cool. Dale : No, no, Ok ! David smote the Philistine with a stone, not smoked with th Philistines and got stoned. Ok, it's totally different. You go to college ? Rusty is here, dressed with his orange T-shirt, where we can read « STUPID », to find his secret admirer. He meet Cappie. Cappie : Hey, volcano all set ? Rusty : All set. Cappie : Don't believe everything you read. Cappie leaves when Jen K join Rusty. Jen K : Hey. Rusty : Oh, it's you. I'm looking for my secret admirer. She told me to wear this shirt. Pretty funny, huh ? It must be a nightshirt. Jen K : That was in your basket ? Rusty : Yeah, along with a note that said to meet her here. No offense, Jen, but if she sees me talking to you, she might...get the wrong idea. Jen K : Ok, Rusty, there's something I... A girl : Ewww ! That's not for you ! Where did you get that shirt ? Rusty : In my crush basket ? The girl : That was not you crush basket ! That was his. (She points Beaver) Rusty : I'm sorry. There must have been some sort of mix-up. The girl : You think ? Jen K : Rusty, I can explain. Cappie (talking in a megaphone) : Gather around, party people, and hold onto your leis. We're about to blow your mind. (All is cheering) Courtesy of our little buddy, the volcanic mastermind, Spitter himself, Rusty Cartwright ! All : Five, four, three, two, one ! Whoo ! Wade is powering the volcano, but nothing happen. All is gasping and murmuring then look on a disappointed Rusty who leave. Evan's dad dinner - Jazz music playing. Evan and a man are chatting. Evan : That's a very generous offer. Your internship's supposed to be topnotch. Evan's parents are talking to Rebecca and Admiral Lewiston. Mrs. Chambers : Isn't it lovely you got to meet Admiral Lewiston ? He's a big supporter of your father. Rebecca : Lovely is definitely the word. Mr. Chambers : There's Roger and Brenda. Let's go. Mrs. Chambers : Oh ! Mr. and Mrs. Chambers go, leaving Rebecca alone with Admiral Lewiston. Admiral Lewiston : I, uh, can tie a knot on this with my tongue. Rebecca : Please don't. We can see Ashleigh and Casey hidden behind green plants. Ashleigh : Ugh ! This place needs DJ A.M. ASAP. Casey : Eww ! What did that old man do with his tongue ? I almost feel sorry for her. Well, no, I don't. Ashleigh : I can't see. Casey : Stop that ! You're shaking the plant ! This was a bad idea. Evan's not talking to her. I should've trusted him. Get out of here before someone sees us. A phone is ringing. Casey : Oh, crap ! Oh, crap ! Where's my phone ? Where's my phone ? Ashleigh : Turn it off ! All turn to green plants. Casey : He's coming ! Ashleigh : Let's go ! Let's just... Both grunt and scream. Evan join her. Casey : Hi. Evan : What are you doing here ? Casey : Oh, God, can we just talk about this later ? Mrs. Chambers : What is going on here ? Rebecca : Casey ? Nice outfit. Mrs. Chambers : Evan, please, take care of this. Casey : I'm so sorry, Mrs. Chambers. Mrs. Chambers : Excuse me, I'm talking to my son. You're not even supposed to be here. Evan : Mom, don't talk to her like that. Casey : Evan, I'm sorry. Ash, let's go. Evan : Casey, Casey, Casey, wait. Mrs. Chambers : Evan, it's time to introduce your father. It's all right. Everything's under control. Jazz music continues. INT. KT House Jen K look for Rusty who is alone in the living room Jen K : Hey. I... I put your name on that crush basket, but I didn't know about the note and the shirt. Rusty : Why would you do that ? Jen K (sights) : Because I felt bad for you. Rusty : Oh, that makes me feel a lot better ! Thanks, Jen. Thanks for taking pity on the most pathetic pledge ay Cyprus-Rhodes. Jen K : Ok, now you are being pathetic. Then you just seemed, I don't know, unappreciated. So, I appreciated you in a really stupid way. And I'm sorry. But I feel unappreciated too. I had a great time with you today. I haven't felt that comfortable with a guy in, like... ever. And I thought you were feeling the same way too, but then we get here and you couldn't wait to find your stupid secret admirer. Did you ever think that you might have... an un-secret admirer ? Rusty : You like me ? Jen K : Duh ! At the party, all hear a rumbling and all glasses are empty. Beaver : Hey, where's all the beer ? All hear steam hisses and a rumbling again to see the volcano irruption. Volcano spews bee meell is gasping and cheering. In the Living room. Rusty : I think I just felt the earth move. Jen K : Me too. No, seriously. I think we're having an earthquake. We hear blinds ratting and glass breaks. Rusty and Jen K go out to the party, where we hear the thunder. Dale : It's a miracle ! Cappie : It's raining beer. Oh my god ! It's raining beer ! Crowd cheering. All : It's raining beer. Dale : It's beer. I'm sorry, Lord ! I'm sorry. Cappie : Spitter ! You have just become a legend ! All : Spitter, Spitter, Spitter. Jen K : It worked, just like you said. It needed time to suck up the moisture ! Rusty : I think we topped Egyptian Joe. Jen K : Hell, yes ! (He kisses her) All : Spitter ! Spitter ! Spitter !!! CRU street Rusty hops and meet his sister. Casey : Did you seriously skip just now ? Rusty : Hey ! Did you see the volcano ? I made it rain beer. It was awesome. This has been, hands down, the best night of my life. Even better than the time they announced Pluto wasn't a planet. I hates Pluto. It was obviously such a dwarf planet. Casey : Wow, you're weird. Well, I guess I'm down here on the Worst Night of Your Life end of the spectrum to balance things out (she sobs). Rusty : What did Evan do now ? Casey : This isn't about Evan. It's... It's about his parents. And... Evan. Rusty : The guy's a jerk, and you're better off without him. Casey : Thanks for the support and understanding. I'll be sure to do the same for you when you're dating someone. Oh, wait. I'll probably be too old by that time to care. Rusty : Well, start caring, because I just walked my date home. Casey : A real date ? Ok. I'm sorry. I feel like a crap. I got drunk... (she sights) and made an of myself in front of the esteemed Chambers clan. Rusty : You can call them esteemed, but I'll always believe you deserve better than Evan Chambers, Casey. Evan is here, behind them. Evan : Well, we agree on one thing, Rusty. Casey : Evan. What are you doing here ? Rusty : You want to me to stay ? Casey : No. But thanks. When Rusty goes, Evan join Casey to give his jacket. Casey : Thank you. I'm sorry for crashing the party. And I think I accidentally flashed that admiral guy. Evan : Don't apologize. It's not your fault. It's my fault. I should've never put you in that position. Casey : Then why did you ? Evan : Because all my life I have done what it takes to get ahead. That is the Chambers way. My life has been planned out for me since I was...Before I was born. You are the person who has ever made me think that if I had to, I would take a detour. I would go all the way off the map for you. Casey : Evan, (she sighs) I don't want you to have to take a detour for me. Evan : God, I messed up and I am so sorry. They kiss. Casey : Wait a minute. Did you leave the dinner early ? Evan : Yeah. Casey (laughs) : Won't your parents be pissed ? Evan : Definitely.	Plan: A: The KT's prepare; Q: What do the KT's do to throw their legendary homecoming party? A: Mount Vesuvius ) malfunctions; Q: What happens to the main feature of the KT's homecoming party? A: Rusty; Q: Who manipulates Dale into contributing the Remington Herzog Atmospheric Destabilizing Module? A: the day; Q: What does Rusty save when the main feature of the party malfunctions? A: the Remington Herzog Atmospheric Destabilizing Module; Q: What does Dale contribute to the cause? A: ZBZ; Q: What group does Jen K. pledge to? A: Evan's parents; Q: Who does Casey want to meet? A: Rebecca; Q: What is the name of Senator Logan's daughter? Summary: The KT's prepare to throw their legendary homecoming party, but when the main feature (a live model of Mount Vesuvius ) malfunctions, it's up to Rusty to save the day. Rusty manipulates Dale into contributing the Remington Herzog Atmospheric Destabilizing Module to the cause, impressing ZBZ pledge, Jen K. Casey gears up to meet Evan's parents, who are more concerned with connecting with Senator Logan's daughter, Rebecca, forcing Evan to choose between what's best for his family's "connections" and what's best for his relationship with Casey.
Opens in the middle of an action sequence. Dixon is jumping out of a vehicle with gun drawn. DIXON: Drop your weapon! His team is in a tunnel. Three persons dressed in black are trying to escape. As the front two run, the third turns and fires upon Dixon's team. Dixon hides behind a piece of contruction equipment. DIXON: I need some pressure fire! Another officer comes up behind Dixon and fires, drawing fire. Dixon then takes out the man that was shooting. Dixon gives chase to the other two fugitives. Dixon pulls open a door and enters an access tunnel. The two fugitives continue to run, but then the one in the back trips and falls. Dixon peeks his head around the corner, and the fugitive lying on the ground fires and automatic at Dixon, who ducks back around the corner. He jumps back out and shoots the fugitive, but the other fugitive fires on Dixon, hitting him three times in the chest. Dixon slides down the wall, and we hear his breathing is labored. From his point of view, we have a fuzzy picture of the third fugitive walking toward us. The man begins to lift his facemask when Dixon's eyes close and he loses consciousness. Cutting to the fugitive's face as he lifts the ski mask, we see that the shooter was a very concerned Vaughn. Cut to heliocopter flyover of a building in LA in daytime. LOS ANGELES 48 HOURS EARLIER Cut to Sydney walking into Sloane's office. SYDNEY: You wanted to see me? SLOANE: Has Vaughn contacted you yet? SYDNEY: I'd have mentioned it, don't you think? SLOANE: Sydney, we pulled Vaughn's phone records, and they indicate that he sent you an SM message...to your cell. I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that it got lost in transmission and that you never received it. SYDNEY (hard): If you're looking to catch me in a lie...yes, I got the message. When Vaughn took off, as I've already told you, I tried to stop him. He hit me. He contacted me to tell me he was sorry...which I didn't consider professionally relevant. As far as where he is or what he's doing, I still have no idea. SLOANE (said off the cuff, as if possibly testing Sydney): He disappeared with a dangerous piece of technology. I have no choice but to notify Langley. SYDNEY: Vaughn isn't a traitor! He would never do what he's doing without a reason. SLOANE: Vaughn went rogue...an unsanctioned mission. Out of consideration for you, I'll give him 48 hours to either return or contact me with an explanation. In the meantime, we will withhold his status from the rest of APO. Should this matter come to light, I don't want anyone else complicit in his deception. SYDNEY: Thank you. Sydney turns around and starts to walk out. SLOANE: Sydney... Sydney turns back around. SLOANE: If Vaughn should contact you... SYDNEY: You'll know. CUT TO BLACK PA( R )IS Cut to Vaughn, sitting at a table at an outside cafe. He checks his watch impatiently and sighs in frustration. A waiter walks by and is about to refill his water glass, when he puts out his hand, motioning, VAUGHN: Non, merci. The waiter walks away. Vaughn checks his watch again, and then stands up. He tosses some coins onto the table with a frustrated huff and turns to leave. Roberts is standing behind him, holding a white pastry bag. ROBERTS: Goin' somewhere? Vaughn turns around to face him, very annoyed. VAUGHN: You're late. ROBERTS: Hardly. Been watchin' you for an hour. VAUGHN (sarcastic): Yeah, am I your type? ROBERTS (with a shrug): Had to be sure you came alone...followed instructions. Roberts offers him a pastry from his bag. VAUGHN: Can we just get this done? ROBERTS: Look around! It's Paris in the springtime! VAUGHN: I'm only interested in answers. ROBERTS: In exchange, you were supposed to bring me something today. VAUGHN: Your big prize is in a safe place. ROBERTS: That's not the deal. VAUGHN: It is now. Vaughn turns and starts to walk away. ROBERTS: You're bluffing. Vaughn turns, rubs his face with his hand and faces Roberts again. ROBERTS: Don't forget, I know how desperate you are. No way you're willing to walk away. VAUGHN: Oh, I suppose that depends on how badly you want it...'cause personally, what the hell am I gonna do with a transforming coil? ROBERTS: You talkin' personally? I don't have a use for it either. VAUGHN: Well, then you can tell your employer exactly what I'm telling you. You'll get the coil when you tell me everything you know about my father. Vaughn and Roberts stare each other down. Cut to nighttime view of LA skyline. Cut to Sydney in her apartment, rubber gloves on, furiously scrubbing the kitchen sink while giving surreptitious glances toward her cell phone. As Nadia and Eric enter, she picks up her cellphone and hits a button, which displays "No Messages". She sets it back down and gets back to cleaning. NADIA: A volcano? ERIC: Yeah, yeah, it's um, Old Yellowstone. It's like a funnel. NADIA (to Sydney): Hey. Nadia and Eric place their grocery bags on the counter, and Nadia starts unloading the bags. ERIC: And the thing is that, on average, it blows every 600,000 years. NADIA: Well, then I don't think we have to worry about it. ERIC: No, no...it hasn't blown in 600,030 years. We're due, sister... What is this? Eric grabs a bar of expensive chocolate off the counter. ERIC: Fancy chocolate? NADIA (grabbing it from Eric's hand): That's not for you. ERIC: Yeah, it...I like fancy chocolate... NADIA (changing the subject): Where is the freezer bag? I left it in the car... ERIC: I'll get it. NADIA: No, no, no, no, no...I'll get it. You...chill. Nadia walks outside. Eric starts to finish unloading the bag. As Nadia walks out onto the porch and shuts the door, her cell phone rings. NADIA: Hello? OPERATOR: You have a collect call from prisoner number 41958 from the Quantico Women's Detention Center. Do you accept the charges? NADIA (looking around to make sure no one is listening): Yes I do. KATYA (voice over phone): Nadia? NADIA: Hello, Katya. KATYA: I was worried about you. NADIA: I'm sorry...I couldn't get away yesterday. But I'm planning to visit tomorrow. KATYA: That's wonderful! NADIA: I have a little gift for you. KATYA: Forgive me for calling...It's just that your visits...it makes this place bearable. NADIA: I'll be there tomorrow. Cut to Eric unloading the groceries. He looks over at Sydney, who is still furiously scrubbing the sink. ERIC: Uh...You heard from Vaughn? SYDNEY: Uh, uh...not yet. ERIC: Gotta be tough on him, right? Going to visit your uncle and all you can do is watch him die? Nothing you can do about it? SYDNEY: Yeah... ERIC: My mom used to do stuff like that. SYDNEY: Like what? ERIC: Scrub the sink...when she was worried about stuff that was out of her control... SYDNEY: I like a clean sink. ERIC (clearly not believing her): Uh, huh...But you would tell me if there was something I needed to be concerned about? SYDNEY: Of course. Cut to Roberts, talking on his cellphone. He and Vaughn are now seated at a table in the outdoor cafe. ROBERTS (into phone): No deal. Says that he has the coil, but he wants answers first. Roberts listens, then hands the phone to Vaughn. ROBERTS: Says he wants to talk to you. Vaughn takes the phone. VAUGHN: Hello. VOICE (through a voice disguiser): You violated our agreement. VAUGHN: You listen to me. I'm sick and tired of all these games. Here's how we're gonna do things... VOICE: You're angry. Good. You can channel that into your next assignment. VAUGHN: No. No. No more assignments. I'm done. You got what you asked for. VOICE: You didn't abide by the terms of our deal. The price has just gone up. Disobey again, and it will continue to do so. VAUGHN: No. That's it. I'm done. VOICE: Check beneath the table. VAUGHN: What? VOICE: Beneath the table. There's an envelope. Open it. Vaughn reaches beneath the table and there is indeed a small manila envelope that's been taped to the bottom of it. He pulls it out and opens it. Inside are several surveillance pictures of a man that looks like he's Vaughn's father. VOICE: If you still wish to back out, feel free to do so. VAUGHN: He's alive. VOICE: Your father is very much alive. The question, Mr. Vaughn, is how far are you willing to go to find him? Vaughn shuts the flip on the cell phone, and the scene, CUTS TO BLACK Now is the time in Alias when we dance! The scene opens to the exterior of a prison. Nadia, accompanied by two guards, walks around a corner and down the hallway where Katya's cell is. We can hear Katya singing the notes to a song to herself. NADIA: That was lovely. Katya turns, smiling, and gets up to approach Nadia. KATYA: It's a folk song my father used to sing about a Russian Robin Hood. It was one of your mother's favorites. Katya reaches through the bars and tenderly touches the side of Nadia's face. KATYA: Ah, it's so nice to see you again, sweetheart. Cut to Marshall walking into Jack's office at APO. Jack is talking on the telephone. JACK (on phone): No, it shouldn't be a problem. MARSHALL: Sorry, I just... Marshall lays some paperwork in front of him to sign. JACK (on phone): Well, considering the hearings, I'm sure the DDO has his hands full. Of course. Give my regards. (shuts off phone) MARSHALL: Sorry, um, requisition forms. The secure server to Langley went down. I did what I could, but I'll need all new servers and a VS2 module, so... Jack signs a form. MARSHALL: Great. If you could also... (hands him another form)...this one here...(Jack signs it, Marshall hands him another one) By the way...since the...incident, have you had a chance to see a doctor? Jack looks up and gives Marshall a "None of your business" look. MARSHALL: Because the radiation levels in that chamber were near lethal, sir. JACK: I'm fine, Marshall. Is there anything else? (hands back the paperwork he signed) MARSHALL (sheepish): No. Thank you. Marshall turns and walks out with the paperwork. Jack looks up and gives him a fleeting glance before going back to his work. Marshall takes the file folder of forms Jack signed into his office. Opening the folder, he sets a blacklight to shine on it, which illuminates Jack's fingerprints on the papers. He puts on rubber gloves, and, taking a surreptitious glance around the office to make sure no one is watching him. He takes a glass bottle and pulls a dropper from the top of it and puts the drops on Jack's illuminated fingerprints. Then he puts the liquid into a vial and caps it, pulling off his gloves. He marks the side of the vial "Patient 17". He turns and walks away with the vial. Cut to Katya and Nadia. Katya is holding the bar of fancy chocolate Katya bought. KATYA: Our family didn't have much -- just the necessities. But your mother had no intention of denying herself. After school, she would go to the St. Basil's Cathedral, where all the tourists were. So careless with their money. So easy to pickpocket. NADIA (surprised, but smiling): How old was she? KATYA: Young; still in grade school. She used her money to buy us candy...until our father found out what she had been doing. (starts to unwrap the chocolate bar) Elena and I were terrified, but not your mother. She stood there, finishing the candy, smiling. We were waiting for her to get hit. But instead, my father laughed, looking at this little rebel in front of him. Your mother can be quite stubborn, much like your sister. (pauses, then walks back to the bars) How is Sydney? NADIA: Katya, I've told you... KATYA: I know, I know...she's off limits. (Holds out a piece of chocoloate like a pointer) Thank you. (Takes a bite.) NADIA: Of course. (pauses) My mother...Irina...did she ever talk about me? Katya sits down on the bunk in her cell. Turning toward Nadia, she looks ill. KATYA (sounding pained): It's happening sooner than I expected... NADIA: What's happening? Katya pulls up the sleeve of her prison uniform to show Nadia an angry red swelling. KATYA: I'm deathly allergic to chocolate. Nadia looks horrified. Katya stands slowly and grabs onto the bars like a lifeline. KATYA (labored): In fifteen seconds, my breathing will become difficult. NADIA: Katya... KATYA (labored, almost gasping): ...and I would lose consciousness. Tell Sydney, this is how far I am willing to go to see her... (gasps) NADIA: Guard! I need help now! KATYA (gasping, as she loses consciousness): Tell Sydney... NADIA: Guard! Cut to a side street in Paris at night. Vaughn is standing on a streetcorner and Roberts walks up to him. (Assume everything Vaughn says in the next sequence is tinged with annoyance and attitude.) ROBERTS: I know what you're thinking...You'll find him on your own, right? VAUGHN: What are we doing here? ROBERTS: Waiting. I hired a team of independent contractors to help us with the job. VAUGHN: Which is what? ROBERTS: Assume that's not important. VAUGHN: Assume it is...to me. ROBERTS: All you need to know is it's an instruction manual of sorts. Now that coil you got for us? Apparently, it wasn't being used properly. VAUGHN: That's terrific. Like I said, I don't care about the coil. ROBERTS: I'm just like you, man. The less I know, the less guilt I feel. VAUGHN: Yeah, we're a lot alike. ROBERTS: Where do you think he was during the funeral? I mean, like when you were mourning by his grave with your mom? You know, it's usually a girlfriend...at least that's why my old man took off...But I'll tell you, with my mom? Can't say I really blame him. Vaughn looks away, very annoyed. There's a car horn beeping. Both men look toward the car. Roberts starts to walk toward the car, then turns back to look at Vaughn. ROBERTS: You comin'? Vaughn pauses another moment, still upset, but then starts to follow. Cut to their "hideout", where other members of the team are assembled. One is working on perfecting some bullets. MEMBER1 (with German accent, drinking a beer): Waste of time. 45 caliber; it's not like you need to make it more dangerous... MEMBER2: Maybe not, but it makes me feel better. MEMBER3 (blonde woman, to Roberts as he enters): You said an hour. ROBERTS: Yeah, well we had to take a detour. (as Vaughn walks in behind him) This is Mike. MEMBER3: So, is he any good, or just eye candy? Vaughn turns and glares at her. ROBERTS: Like I said, he's the man who has the technical skills to get what we need done. (introducing the team to Vaughn) This is Sabina, that's Gregor (the one with the beer), and that's Johann over there. Vaughn looks over at Johann, who nods his head in greeting. GREGOR: Mikey...pour you a pint... VAUGHN: I don't usually drink until the job's finished. GREGOR: You drink with me or you cut bullets with Johann. Your choice. VAUGHN (annoyed): Yeah, well, how 'bout I do neither (turning to Roberts) and you tell me why the hell we're here. Roberts looks at Sabina, who's holding blueprints. Cut to the blueprints being rolled out onto the table. ROBERTS: Okay, now this is a two-pronged plan. Now, tomorrow at midnight, an armored transport will be leaving Darmstadt carrying a very valuable item. We will be stealing that item. But to do it, we're going to need a cold laser. Prototype hasn't even hit the streets yet. It's in a secure RND wing in a private hospital in Bordeaux. Heavily guarded. VAUGHN: Civilians? ROBERTS: Yeah, you got a problem with that? VAUGHN (after only a second's pause): No. Cut to aerial view of LA skyline. Cut to Jack, walking into Sloane's office. JACK: I got your message. What is it? SLOANE: Dixon has been taken out of the field of rotation. JACK: I know. I authorized it. SLOANE: Yes, I see your signature all over the release forms. Do you really think we can afford to be down one agent when Vaughn's whereabouts are still unknown? JACK: We didn't have a choice. The director of the DSR contacted me directly. And since, for the moment, we're keeping Vaughn's status confidential, I thought it best to comply with his request. SLOANE: I see. What exactly is the nature of Dixon's assignment? JACK: I'm afraid that's confidential as well. SLOANE: From you or from me? Come on, Jack...you don't have to be a genius to see what this is about: Rambaldi. And while I accept that these matters are above my purview, Dixon is a member of my taskforce and it's my responsibility to know what actions and risks he's taking on. JACK: It's a routine transport. Darmstadt, and I assure you, the risks are minimal. Cut to Dixon, catching Sydney in the hallway of APO as they walk toward their office. DIXON (holding up a set of tickets): Syd? Clippers tickets, third row center. I can't go. Langley's tasked me to a special assignment. SYDNEY: You're kidding. DIXON: Nuh, uh. SYDNEY: Well, I'd love to go, but I'm swamped. DIXON: I was going to go with my son. So I tell him I can't go and he tells me it's actually good because he has a date. He's twelve. SYDNEY (smiling): Why doesn't he take her to the game? DIXON: Apparently she'd rather go to a movie. SYDNEY: I'm sure you've taught him well. DIXON: Dinner when I get back? SYDNEY: Yeah, sure. Dixon walks away and Nadia approaches her. NADIA: We need to talk. Cut to Sydney and Nadia talking in the entrance hallway near the door leading to the subway station. SYDNEY: How long have you been seeing her? NADIA: It was our third visit. Sydney pulls Nadia aside as someone exits the elevator and walks by them. They wait until he's gone, then, SYDNEY: This is exactly why I warned you about her. NADIA: Katya's the only person who's ever been willing to answer my questions about Irina. SYDNEY: Irina Derevko was manipulative and cruel. NADIA: She was also our mother. SYDNEY: Which makes it harder to accept, I know, but trust me... NADIA: I know her crimes. I also know how much she helped you at the CIA... SYDNEY: Until she betrayed us...like she always did. NADIA: There's more to her than what's in her file...Katya told me stories... SYDNEY: And you believed her!? NADIA: About some of it, yes. SYDNEY: Then you're deluding yourself, Nadia! Nadia looks away, hurt. Sydney looks sympathetic, grabs her by both arms and shakes lightly to get her to look back at her. SYDNEY: I'm sorry. I've been through this before. Katya's doing the same thing to you that Irina did to me: Telling me what I wanted to hear. Appealing to what I wanted more than anything else in the world: a mother, a family. It was all a manipulation. (pause, then) Do you want to know the truth about our mother? Our mother put a hit on my life. Our mother tried to have me killed. Nadia is utterly shocked. NADIA (whispering): Why didn't you tell me? SYDNEY: There was never a reason to. NADIA (whispering): Oh, my God, Syd...If I knew, I... SYDNEY: Where is she? Katya? NADIA: She's in the hospital. They're keeping her for observation. Sydney walks away purposefully as Nadia turns to watch her sorrowfully BORDEAUX In a hospital. Vaughn enters with Sabine wailing. She has a cut on her head. They are both dressed up fancy. Doctor: What happened? Vaughn: I don't know. The car just came out of nowhere. Ran right into us. They lay Sabine down on a table. Doctor: Dr. Gerard I need your help. Wheeling Sabine to another room. Sabina: It's bad. It's bad, isn't it. Doctor: (to Vaughn); Sir, she's in good hands, but you're going to have to wait outside. Doctor #2 fingers the cut on Sabina's forehead, and it peels off. The doctor looks confused. Sabina continues to wail. Sabina swings her arm around and knocks him out. Vaughn does the same to his doctor. S and V take the doctors' clothes and ID. Sabina: I always hated going to the doctor. Let's go get the laser. They walk down the hallway in nurse and doctor uniforms. They pass by people. Use ID cards to enter a door. Go down some steps. Through another door. Into a room. Possibly a cold-storage lab? The light glows red. Vaughn: There it is. Some light. Sabina: How long will this take? (Pulls out some tools from underneath her skirt. Including a flashlight which she shines at the laser) Vaughn: Hold still. We can't risk destroying the emitter. Wire cutters. (Sabina hands him a pair of wire cutters) Sabina: Can't we just unplug it or something? Vaughn: Sure, if you don't mind blowing it up, and killing both of us in the process. Argon canister. It's under pressure. (continues working) Sabina: So you're CIA. Vaughn: Is that what Roberts told you? Sabina: He said you were in a period of transition. Vaughn: I guess you could say that. Sabina: I went through the training program. Camp Perry. CIA was looking for female agents with Russian language skills. They rejected me. Vaughn: Yeah, but you're probably better off. Sabina: That's what I figured. More profit. And more fun, too. Vaughn: This should do it. (refering to the laser) Sabina: Let me help. (she tries to kiss V) Vaughn: (pulls back abruptly) I'm good, thanks. They take the laser. A guard comes in to see Vaughn and Sabina kissing. Once they "realize" the guard is there, they stop. Speak French. Vaughn: (to the guard) How dare you. Get out of here. Guard: I'm sorry sir. Vaughn: Please leave. Guard: I just need to check your identifications. Vaughn goes to show him his ID, but fights him instead. Vaughn turns his back. Guard pulls out gun to shoot Vaughn. Sabina pulls out gun and Shoots the guard. Sabina: Let's go. (V stares at the dead guard) We need to leave now! [SCENE_BREAK] Back in warehouse. Vaughn and Sabina sitting on a bed. Sabina is bandaging Vaughn's cut on his arm. Sabina: I've seen worse. You could use a few stitches I suppose. Vaughn: That won't be necessary. Sabina: Fine. Let it scar. Who knows, it might toughen you up a bit. I saw the look on your face when I killed that guard. I saved your life. Vaughn: Thanks. Sabina (smiles): Don't tell me you're torn up inside. I thought you agency boys were tougher than that. Vaughn: (looks at her) It was him or me. I'm okay with that. Sabina: You could have fooled me. You haven't stopped brooding since we left the hospital. Vaughn: Yeah well maybe it's because I don't like being here with you. Sabina: You know what I think? This is exactly where you want to be. (she kisses his neck) Vaughn throws her down on the bed, roughly. Vaughn: Consider this the second time you've been rejected by the CIA. Katya's hospital room. Sydney walks in. Katya sits up in a hospital bed with some tubes sticking out of her. Sydney: Understand this. Talk to my sister again, I will make sure you regret it. Katya: The protective sister, how charming. And how satisfying it must be for you to know you have it all figured out. I would think you of all people should know the world is never black or white. Sydney: The last time I saw you, Aunt Katya, you tried to put a bullet in my head. Given the opportunity, I wouldn't mind seeing you suffer. Consider this visit a warning. Leave Nadia alone. (she goes to leave) Katya: I had no intention of killing you, nor did your mother. Sydney: (she turns back) What do you know about that? Katya (smug): I know you believe your mother put out a contract on your life. Surely you must have asked yourself why she would want you eliminated. And I'm willing to bet you haven't come up with a satisfying answer. Your mother loved you. And to look at you now and see how quickly you've abandoned her-if she only knew she would be ashamed. Sydney: I'm not having this conversation. Katya: Before dying, Irina tried to contact me. She believed someone was setting her up, wanting it to appear that she was trying to have you killed. I need you to get me that message. Bring it to me. It's the least you could do for her. APO Marshall's office-lab. Sloane walks up. Marshall's working on something. Sloane: Marshall. Marshall: (stands up) Mr. Sloane. Hey. Sorry. You know the classics. (referring to what he's working on) Never go out of style. Sloane: A test tube was sent to forensics for analysis. Did you authorize that? Marshall: Yes. Yes I did, uuuuh. Is that a problem, ooooor- Sloane: There's no problem. Just a curiosity. It's indicated that the blood sample was one of Dr. Vlachko's test subjects. I thought we already analyzed those. Am I missing something, Marshall? Marshall: Uh, y'know what? I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. Mitchell's got an ear infection (points to his own ear) and I probably just forgot to send it in. (points to Sloane) Sorry. Sorry about that. (turns around and starts working on something) Did the results come back? Sloane: It's nothing we didn't already know. The subject was suffering from a large scale genetic mutation. However, Marshall, I want you to know, (Marshall looks at him) There are protocols in this office. I'm sure your failure to notify me of this submission is also do to your lack of sleep, yes? Marshall: Yes, it probably was. I'm very tired, and I'm not. . . (Sloane leaves) Inside warehouse. Vaughn, Roberts, Sabine, Gregor, Jan sit around a table looking at plans. Gregor: Why complicate our life? We could get on and off without the transport even knowing they were hit. Roberts: That item we want is extremely delicate. I mean, we can't risk the transfer in a moving vehicle. Gregor: I thought you said we were stealing an instruction manual? Roberts: We are. A very old one. Written by an inventor in the fifteenth century. You breathe on it wrong and it will crumble. Jan: Seems like a lot of trouble for an old book. Roberts: It's valuable to my employer, so then it's valuable to us. Okay, it's gonna be a 2-car caravan. (points to drawings on a dry-erase board) The lead car's going to be the armored transport. It'll be leaving the depot at midnight tonight traveling along this route. Vaughn: We're hitting a CIA convoy. Roberts: That's right. Vaughn: So this is why you needed me. Walking outside. Vaughn and Roberts. Vaughn: From the moment you contacted me, you knew you'd need the bypass, Even if I had given you the coil- Roberts: We'd have never told you where your father is. That's right. Guess that makes us bad people, huh? Nothing's changed though, you still want answers. Vaughn: You son of a b**. Roberts: You know, by the way, you should be thanking me. You should be grateful. Vaughn: Thanking you for what? Roberts: For tracking your father down. Let me tell you something. That wasn't know small feat. Your father's been hiding for the past- Vaughn: You're asking me to betray my agency. Roberts: Well. l I fell really bad about that, you know what? I'll say an extra hail Mary tonight before I go to bed. Vaughn: If I do this, I can't go back. Roberts: (laughs) That has a certain poetry to it, doesn't it? Like father, like son. Me? I came this far, I'd have crossed the finish line. But like I say, I'm a bad guy. Oh, guess what? Your dad is too. I mean, he's not being held prisoner. And for 25 years, he allowed his wife and his kid to think that he's been dead? That's a bad guy. You think on that. I'll be inside. (goes inside) APO Nadia walking up to Sloane sitting at his desk in his office. Nadia: I need to speak with you. Sloane: Of course, what is it? Nadia: I wanted to tell you before you were notified through official channels. I've been visiting Katya Derevco. Sloane: Your aunt? (Nadia nods) And I assume it's not on official business. Nadia: No. It was personal. I thought Katya might be able to fill in the blanks about my mother. Tell me who she was. Sloane: I see. Well. . .thank you for telling me. Nadia? What did she tell you? Nothing I didn't already know. That she was a criminal. A murderer. Sloane: (gets up) Sweetheart, no one is a single thing. Look, I understood Irina. We were both cut from the same cloth. Both committed to our work. And I suppose because of that, we both did some things that are unforgivable. But, Nadia, Irina is also capable of having a great capacity for love. I saw the way she looked at Sydney. The way she held that child in her arms. And I am absolutely sure she felt the same way about you. She searched for you Nadia. She may not be here to answer your questions, but the one thing I know to be true- your mother loved you. Nadia: I'd like to believe that. Sloane: Then do. (hugs Nadia) Repair shop. Clocks ticking. Sydney opens the door. Bell dings. Clerk (Friendly looking, gray-haired old guy): (to customer) Have a wonderful day. Customer leaves. Sydney walks up to the counter. Sydney: Hi. I'm here to pick up a repair. Clerk: Of course. You have the service ticket? Sydney: Nope, just the number. 112402. Clerk: Give me just a moment. (goes to get box and places it on the counter, opens box and pulls out a beautiful wooden music box) Quite lovely, isn't it. Open it. Sydney opens it and a song starts to play. Sydney: How much do I owe you? Clerk: Nothing. It's already been paid for. Have a lovely day. Sydney: Thank you. (Starts to leave when her cell phone rings. To phone) Hello. (pause) Hello? Shows Vaughn listening to his cell phone. He doesn't speak. Sydney: Vaughn? Vaughn, say something. Vaughn hangs up. Warehouse, I guess, where Roberts and his team have been. Roberts is sitting at a desk. Vaughn walks up to him. Vaughn: We're gonna do this my way. You want to pull this off, I'm taking charge. Roberts: Sure thing. Vaughn: That truck will be heavily guarded, loaded with state of the art surveillance. I want RF jammers on every team member. Shows elevator. Guys walk off it carrying a briefcase. Vaughn' voice over. Vaughn (VO): Now an item this important, the CIA's gonna use their best agents. Even the smallest mistake will compromise our mission. Shows guy carrying briefcase walking up to Dixon and crew. Vaughn (VO): We can use the cold laser to open the safe, but without the proper code, the safe's backup system will engage. Show's Dixon taking the briefcase. Shows Roberts and Vaughn preparing for the mission. Vaughn: Once we're inside, I'll bypass the safe's backup system while Sabina sets up the cold laser. We'll have no more than 3 minutes. Shows convoy back doors opening. Dixon gets inside. Opens safe. Opens briefcase. Takes out Rambaldi manuscript. Places it in the safe. Closes safe. Closes briefcase. Leaves Guard in there. Dixon leaves. Doors close. Shows Vaughn and Roberts's team. Vaughn: One last thing, because there'll be no shooting on this job. CIA protocol. They will not fire unless fired upon first. If anyone has a problem with what I just said, speak up now. We understood? Sydney's apartment. Se's messing with the music box. The music is playing. Red lights start flashing in box. Nadia walks in. Nadia: You have a minute? Sydney: Of course. (Quickly close the music box) Nadia: I wanted to apologize about going to Katya. I should have told you. Sydney: You don't have to apologize. Nadia: When I found out Arvin Sloane was my father, I was horrified. My entire life, I wanted to meet my parents, and the truth was so . . . ugly. But he's changed. There's good in him. I guess I was hoping the same thing was true for our mother. Sydney: I'm sorry. Nadia: Me too. Doorbell rings. Nadia: That's Eric. We're going out for lunch. You want to come? Sydney: No thanks. I'm just gonna hang out here. Nadia: Okay. Sydney: Have fun. They smile at each other. Nadia leaves. Sydney goes back to working with the music box. Opens it. Red lights flashing. Red lights turn out to be numbers. She writes down the numbers. APO Shows notebook. Number is 001-87456829. Shows Sydney typing at computer, at her desk. Opens some files. Shows different bank accounts. Shows name . . . A. Sloane. Sydney gets a desperate look on her face. DARMSTADT Street. Convoy drives with escort. Stops at red light. Roberts drives up beside, listening to loud music. Shows Vaughn and Sabina underneath Roberts car. Vaughn: Here we go. Shows V and S slide from underneath Roberts's car to underneath the convoy. V uses blowtorch on underside of the convoy to make a hole. Guard sees smoke. Gets suspicious. Goes to inspect. The hole hits him and he goes unconscious. V and S enter the convoy through the hole. Vehicles start moving again. V and S get to work cutting wires and connecting others. Vaughn: We've secured the hole. Roberts (on comms): Copy. Strike team, they're clueless. No idea you're hitching a ride. 110 seconds till X-fer. Vaughn: (to Sabine) Now we'll see how good you really are. Sabine: Oh, I'm good. Roberts: You've got 95 seconds. Vaughn How you doing? Sabina: Ready. Sabina turns on cold laser and uses it to cut a hole in the safe. Vaughn: Almost there. Convoy and escort enter the tunnel from the beginning of the episode. Roberts: All right. Here we go. V and S cover their heads as the safe falls apart. Sabina: Nice timing. Roberts: Strike team, repot. What's going on? What the hell is going on? Shows V take manuscript out of safe. Sabina: Package secured. Shows vehicles in tunnel. Escort a bit further down than convoy. Smaller vehicle to the right of the convoy cuts in front of the convoy and brakes. Roberts: Strike team. Get ready for impact. Shows V and S. Show convoy driver. Shows Dixon in escort. Dixon: Turn back. (Readys a gun. Escort vehicle turns around and drives back to convoy.) Vaughn: (to Sabina. Still in convoy) Let's go. V and S exit convoy. Dixon gets out of escort vehicle. Dixon: Drop your weapons! Masked bandit starts shooting. Vaughn (yells): NO! Masked bandit continues shooting. Dixon: (to crew) I need suppressive fire now! Dixon and crew shoot the masked bandit shooters, most likely Jan and Gregor. V and S run off. Dixon: (To masked bandits) Drop your weapons! (Guns shooting) (To crew) I need suppression! V and S run away. Dixon follows suit. Down a stairwell and through some doors and down a hallway they run. S falls and screams. V doubles back to help, but Dixon comes around the bend and shoots S when she starts shooting at him. V shoots Dixon. S is dead. V walks up slowly to Dixon and takes off his mask. Vaughn stares at Dixon. Dixon's radio: Dixon report. Do you copy? Two hostages escaped into the tunnel. Hostages in the tunnel. Do you copy? Warehouse. Roberts: Got to hand it to you man. You a closer. Let's see em. Where's the manuscript? Vaughn punches Roberts. And holds him by the collar. Vaughn: He's dead all along. Hasn't' he? Roberts: What? Vaughn: My father would never have done this. Roberts: Man, Have you lost your mind? Vaughn: My father's dead, you son of a b. And you used that. The truth! I want to hear you say it! He's been dead all along! Roberts: Man, you've seen the pictures. Vaughn: Yeah, I've seen a lot of things. Roberts: All right, you want me to say it? Fine. He's been-(Vaughn punches him again) Vaughn: The truth! Tell me the truth! Roberts: Woah. (Vaughn starts to swing at him again) Okay, okay. He's dead man. Okay, he's dead. Vaughn: What else? Roberts: What? Vaughn: The rest of it. How'd he die? Roberts: Man, you know the rest. Vaughn: Say it! Roberts: Irina Derevko killed him. The pictures, the witnesses, the journals-everything was fake. Everything. Vaughn: Who else? Who set me up? Who do you work for? Roberts: Please. You know- Vaughn bangs him up a bit. Vaughn: Who do you work for? Tell me. Roberts: Sloane. I work for Sloane. (faints) Katya's prison cell. Katya: You found the message. Sydney: Bank records. Payments to the assassin who tried to kill me. Katya: The records exonerate Irina. Sydney: Yes. Katya: Sydney, whoever did this, for your mother, my sister, we have to make it right. We have- You already know who it was. Sydney: My mother traced the bank payments to their source. She discovered who it was. Katya: That case- Oh if I would have gotten the message in time. . . Sydney: She would still be alive. Katya: Who is it? Sydney: Before I tell you, you must promise me Nadia can never know. APO Jack's office. Marshall walks in. Jack is sitting at his desk. Marshall (just being Marshall): Your're probably gonna want to kill me when I tell you this, but I ran some tests. (lifts folder in his hands) Jack: What kind of tests? Marshall: You may be very sick, Mr Bristow. Now, you'll need additional bloodwork to be sure- Jack: I thought I made myself clear, Marshall. This is not something I care to discuss. Marshall: I understand. Just hear me out. You have a mutation. Jack: Marshall, I've heard enough. Marshall (urgently): Dammit, you may not care what happens to you, but what happens to you affects other people. Sydney, for example. Have you thought about that? You need to see a doctor, now! Sloane (from behind): Is everything all right here? Jack: We were just finishing up. Marshall: Yeah, just finishing up. (takes one last look at Jack and leaves) Sloane: Jack. . .Is there something we need to discuss? Sydney's apartment. Doorbell rings. Sydney answers. It's Vaughn. Vaughn: Hi Sydney: Hi They hug. She gives him a kiss on the cheek. Vaughn: He's dead, Syd, my father. He's been dead all along. I think. You know, I've- I've lived with his death for so long, I would have done anything just to see him again. But then I realized that my father, he would have never left my mom and me, not for anything. The man I knew could never have walked away from the people he loved. Sydney: How did you know? Vaughn: Cuz I couldn't either. (they smile at each other) It was Sloane. I should have seen it all along. I swear to G-d, Syd, I am gonna kill that son of a b**. Sydney: Come inside. There's something I have to tell you. APO Sloane's sitting at his desk in his office. Sloane: Jack. Jack: I just spoke with Sydney, Vaughn's returned. Sloane: Where was he? Jack: I'll be debriefing him tomorrow. He retrieved the coil. It's on his way to the DSR facility for analysis. Sloane: Good. Jack: One more thing. Dixon ran into some interference abroad. He's okay. He had his vest on. But you were right to be concerned. Sloane: What about the DSR transport? Jack: The artifact has been secured. Sloane: Okay. Jack: Unless there's something else, I'm headed out. Sloane: No, have a good evening, Jack. Jack: You too. (he walks out) SANTIAGO Office somewhere. Man hangs up phone and starts walking angrily. Man: Mr. Sloane? I'm sorry to report, Mr Sloane, we didn't recover the manuscript. And Roberts hasn't reported in. Arvin Clone: (sitting in his desk) I see. Nothing changes. Everything proceeds as planned.	Plan: A: Vaughn; Q: Who learns that his father is dead? A: an agreement; Q: What does Vaughn make with the mysterious man he met in the episode "Nightingale"? A: Rambaldi; Q: What manual did Vaughn agree to intercept? A: Bill Vaughn; Q: Who is Vaughn's father? A: Dixon; Q: Who did Vaughn shoot to ensure the success of the mission? A: Katya Derevko; Q: Who did Nadia tell Sydney she was seeing? A: Sydney's life; Q: What did Irina not put a contract on? A: her mother; Q: Who did Sydney track down a message from? A: a bank account; Q: What was the number to in the music box message? A: Arvin Sloane; Q: Who did Jack report to that Vaughn had returned with the Nightingale coil? A: Sloane; Q: Who forged the journal? A: Jack; Q: Who did Marshall trick into signing papers? A: mutations; Q: What did Marshall test Jack for? A: his radiation exposure; Q: What is the cause of Jack's mutations? A: a doctor; Q: What does Marshall tell Jack to go to if he is worried about his family? A: possession; Q: What was the CIA still in of the Rambaldi artifact? A: his vest; Q: Where was Dixon shot? A: a distinct resemblance; Q: What does the second man who was referred to as "Mister Sloane" bear to Vaughn? A: Santiago; Q: Where was a second man referred to as "Mister Sloane" revealed? Summary: Vaughn makes an agreement with the mysterious man he met in the episode "Nightingale", to intercept a CIA shipment of a Rambaldi manual in exchange for information on his father, Bill Vaughn. In the process, Vaughn is forced to shoot Dixon to ensure the success of the mission. Meanwhile, Nadia informs Sydney that she's been secretly seeing Katya Derevko. When Sydney confronts Katya, she learns that Irina did not put a contract on Sydney's life at all. Sydney tracks down a message from her mother that has been hidden inside a music box. The message is the number to a bank account under the name of Arvin Sloane. Marshall dupes Jack into signing some papers, which Marshall uses to test Jack for mutations due to his radiation exposure. The test returns positive and Marshall confronts Jack informing him of the effects this may have to people who care about him, such as Sydney if she found out, unless he goes to a doctor. Vaughn, after the success of the mission, learns that his father has actually been dead all this time and that everything, including the journal was forged supposedly by Sloane. Later, Jack reports to Arvin Sloane that Vaughn has returned with the Nightingale coil and that the CIA was still in possession of the Rambaldi artifact. It was also mentioned that Dixon was merely shot in his vest and would eventually recover. During the final moments of the show, a second man referred to as "Mister Sloane", and bearing a distinct resemblance is revealed in Santiago.
INT. WORKSHOP Two men are hunched over counters, working on different projects. An alarm goes off causing both men to look up. One walks over to a monitor. MAN: Something wrong? MAN 2: It's the repair shop. What kind of idiot would try and steal a faulty TARDIS? On the monitor we see a row of plain grey cylinders, tall enough for a man. We then zoom out through a long tunnel or vent. EXT. CITY We see a familiar domed city. It is Gallifrey a very long time ago... INT. WORKSHOP Back on the monitor we see an older man escort a young girl towards one of the cylinders. It is the DOCTOR in his first incarnation. INT. REPAIR SHOP The DOCTOR looks around nervously. CLARA: (O.C.) Doctor? THE DOCTOR: (sees CLARA) Yes, what is it? What do you want? CLARA: Sorry. But you're about to make a very big mistake. [SCENE_BREAK] CLARA opens her eyes and flames are reflected in them. She is falling downwards surrounded by fire. CLARA: (V.O.) I don't know where I am. It's like I'm breaking into a million pieces. And there's only one thing I remember. INT. CORRIDOR CLARA suddenly finds herself standing in a futuristic hallway wearing 70s style clothes. CLARA: (V.O.) I have to save the Doctor. The Sixth DOCTOR walks across a corridor behind her. CLARA turns but he is already gone. CLARA: (V.O.) He always looks different. She runs to the other corridor to see the Fourth DOCTOR walking away. CLARA: Doctor! (V.O.)..but I always know it's him. [SCENE_BREAK] CLARA continues to fall. INT. CORRIDOR CLARA runs down another corridor wearing 80s clothes. CLARA: (V.O.) Sometimes I think I'm everywhere at once. (runs to a door and presses against a window) Running every second, just to find him. She looks through the window to see the Seventh DOCTOR hanging from a ledge by his umbrella ["Dragonfire"] CLARA: Doctor! (pounds on door) CLARA: (V.O.) Just to save him. (she whirls around) EXT. COUNTRYSIDE, DAY CLARA, in 70s clothes, turns around as the Third DOCTOR in Bessie speeds past. CLARA: (cups her hands and yells) Doctor! EXT. CALIFORNIA, BEACH, DAY CLARA is still in her 70s clothes as the Eighth DOCTOR brushes past her. She turns to look and the Second DOCTOR in his fur coat rushes by her from the other direction. She runs after him and falls... [SCENE_BREAK] ...only to land - in 80s clothes - on a clear platform looking down on the Fifth DOCTOR as he floats in the Matrix ["Arc of Infinity"]. CLARA: Doctor? EXT. LONDON 1892, STREET, NIGHT CLARA follows the Eleventh DOCTOR. ["The Snowmen"] CLARA: (V.O.) But he never hears me. (on-screen) Oi! The DOCTOR stops and turns. CLARA: (V.O.) Almost never. [SCENE_BREAK] CLARA continues to fall. CLARA: (V.O.) I blew into this world on a leaf. EXT. STREET, DAY A MAN walks along the sidewalk, looking around to get his bearings. A leaf blows loose from a tree and covers his face, causing him to stagger into the road in front of an oncoming car. He pulls the leaf from his face and turns around to see the car and he freezes. CLARA: (V.O.) I'm still blowing. EXT. STREET, NIGHT The couple kisses. INT. NURSERY, DAY The MAN sits in a chair, holding their sleeping baby girl. CLARA: (V.O.) I don't think I'll ever land. [SCENE_BREAK] CLARA continues to fall. CLARA: (V.O.) I'm Clara Oswald, I'm the impossible girl, I was born to save The Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Jenna-Louise Coleman "The Name of the Doctor" By Steven Moffat PRODUCER Denise Paul DIRECTOR Saul Metzstein [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. LONDON 1893, NIGHT We pan over the rooftops and smoking chimneys. MAN: (V.O.) Do you hear the Whisper Men? The Whisper Men are near. INT. PRISON, CORRIDOR, NIGHT Two guards walk down the brick corridor carrying lamps. We hear water dripping from the ceiling and walls. MAN: (V.O.) If you hear the Whisper Men then turn away your ear. INT. PRISON, CELL, NIGHT A MAN squats on the floor and rocks slightly. His wrists are cuffed by long chains. MAN: Do not hear the Whisper Men / Whatever else you do / For once you've heard the Whisper Men / They'll stop and look at you. He realizes someone is standing outside his cell at the bars and turns around. MAN: (points) One word from you could save me from the rope. The figure is a veiled VASTRA. VASTRA: Then you may rely on my silence. MAN: I have information. Valuable information. VASTRA: Are you bargaining for your life? You have the blood of 14 women on your hands. There are no words you can speak that will save your neck. MAN: The Doctor. Startled, VASTRA walks closer to the bars. MAN: Oh, yes, I know all about him. Your dangerous friend. VASTRA: How? MAN: In the babble of the world, there are whispers - if you know how to listen. (walks to the bars) The Doctor has a secret, you know. VASTRA: He has many. MAN: He has one he will take to the grave. (grabs the bars and peers through) And it is discovered. Well? INT. VASTRA'S HOME, FOYER, NIGHT JENNY takes VASTRA'S cane. JENNY: We can't let that terrible man live. VASTRA: (pushes back veil) He lives till I understand what he told me. We're going to need a conference call. (hands JENNY her coat) I'll send out the invitations, you fetch the candles. JENNY: Yes, ma'am! VASTRA goes to prepare as JENNY hangs the coat in the hall. She pauses and looks towards the window where a figure has paused. VASTRA comes in front of her, blocking the view. VASTRA: Where's Strax got to? JENNY: The usual - it's his weekend off. VASTRA: I wish he had never discovered that place! EXT. GLASGOW, NIGHT A setting shot of the city skyline. STRAX: (V.O.) Sontar-ha! Sontar-ha! INT. HOUSE, NIGHT STRAX tackles a large MAN and both fall through a glass door. They both stand quickly. The MAN holds a large hammer. MAN: Come here while I kill you, you filthy wee midden! STRAX: (wields a shovel) Prepare to die in agony for the glory of the Sontaran empire! Both roar in preparation for attack. BOY: (O.C.) Excuse me - Mr Strax? Both lower their weapons and look at the BOY. STRAX: What is it, girl? Can't you see I'm trying to crush the brains of this stinking primitive? (looks at MAN) Sorry about this. MAN: No problem. BOY: It's a telegram, sir. (holds out paper) Very urgent! STRAX: (takes telegram and reads) Conference call! (hands telegram to BOY who leaves) Sorry, Archie. I'm going to have to ask you to render me unconscious. ARCHIE: Fine. (hefts hammer) STRAX: Better use this. (hands ARCHIE the shovel) It might take a while. ARCHIE hits him on the head with the shovel, knocking him out. INT. VASTRA'S HOME, PARLOR, NIGHT VASTRA sits at a multi-sided table as JENNY lights a candle positioned in the center. JENNY sits next to VASTRA as she blows out the taper. VASTRA: (puts her hand on JENNY'S) Sleep well, my love. JENNY: You too. As they drift off, there is a ghostly whispering. At the window, we see a figure clad in black with a white face. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR The general setting is the same but things are a bit more out of focus. The walls have a moving pattern like a cross between a lava lamp and a kaleidoscope. JENNY: Oh, I like the new desktop. VASTRA: I was getting a little bored of the Taj Mahal. (a tea tray appears on the table and she pours) The tea should be superb, it's drawn from one of my favourite memories. There is a loud thud. VASTRA doesn't look up from pouring. VASTRA: Strax! Good of you to join us. STRAX: It better be important! I was in the middle of destroying some very pleasant primitives. VASTRA: I apologise for the interruption, but there is urgent news concerning the Doctor. STRAX: Who else is coming? VASTRA: The women. INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY CLARA opens a cabinet and takes out a bag of flour. She turns to put it on a counter as she holds a mixing bowl in her other hand. ANGIE and ARTIE are doing homework at the table. ANGIE: Oh, no. You're going to try and make a soufflé again, aren't you? CLARA: (whisks batter) My mum's soufflé, yeah. This time I'll get it right. This time I will be Soufflé Girl! ARTIE: How can it be your Mum's soufflé, if you're making it? CLARA: Because, Artie, like my mum always said - the soufflé isn't the soufflé, the soufflé is the recipe! ANGIE: Was your mum deep on puddings? CLARA: She was a great woman. (sees a letter addressed to her) What's this? ANGIE: Oh, it arrived today - for you. CLARA turns the envelope over to see it's sealed with wax and bears the note "Open When Alone" on the back. INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, CLARA'S ROOM, DAY CLARA walks around the room as she reads the letter. VASTRA: (V.O.) "My dearest Clara... The Doctor entrusted me with your contact details, in the event of an emergency, and I fear one has now arisen. Assuming this letter will have reached you, as planned, on April 10th 2013, please find and light the enclosed candle. CLARA reaches into the envelope and pulls out a small candle. VASTRA: (V.O.) It will release a soporific which will induce a trance state, enabling direct communication across the years. CLARA drops the candle. VASTRA: However, as I realise you have no reason to trust this letter, I have taken the liberty of embedding the same soporific into the fabric of the paper you are now holding. Speak soon!" CLARA falls unconscious. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR CLARA appears in one of the chairs. VASTRA: So glad you could make it. (passes CLARA a cup of tea) CLARA: (takes tea) Where am I? JENNY: Exactly where you were - but sleeping. VASTRA: Time travel has always been possible in dreams. We are awaiting only one more participant. (sips tea) STRAX: Oh, no - not the one with the gigantic head? JENNY: It's hair, Strax. STRAX: Hair! RIVER appears in her chair with a puff of smoke like a magician. RIVER: Madame Vastra! VASTRA: Professor! Help yourself to some tea. RIVER: Why, thank you. (holds up a flute of champagne) JENNY: How did you do that? RIVER: Disgracefully. (sips champagne and looks at CLARA) VASTRA: Ah. Perhaps you two haven't met. This is the Doctor's companion. CLARA and RIVER look at VASTRA. VASTRA: That is, his current...travelling... assistant. CLARA: Assistant? STRAX: (to VASTRA) Have you gone a darker green? VASTRA: Clara Oswald. RIVER: Professor River Song. The Doctor might have mentioned me. CLARA: Oh, yeah, of course he has. Professor Song. Sorry, it's just I never realized you were a woman. RIVER faces changes barely imperceptibly. She's hurt and surprised that the DOCTOR hasn't mentioned her more than in passing. STRAX: Well, neither did I! VASTRA: Perhaps we should get down to the business at hand. JENNY: That might be good, dear, yes. VASTRA touches the air above the center of the table and a projection appears. INT. PRISON, CELL, NIGHT The MAN VASTRA had visited earlier sits on the end of his bunk, rocking back and forth. VASTRA: (V.O.) Clarence DeMarco. Murderer, under sentence of death. He offered us this... INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR VASTRA: ...in exchange for his life. VASTRA waves her hand through the projection and it changes. RIVER: Space time coordinates. INT. VASTRA'S HOME, FOYER, NIGHT An exterior door opens into the house. The key is still in the lock. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR VASTRA: This, Mr DeMarco claims, is the location of the Doctor's greatest secret. CLARA: Which is? JENNY: We don't know. It's a secret! VASTRA: The Doctor does not discuss his secrets with anyone, my dear. If you're still entertaining the idea that you are an exception to this rule, ask yourself one question. What is his name? INT. VASTRA'S HOME, PARLOR, NIGHT There is ghostly whispering as a figure walks past an unconscious JENNY. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR JENNY puts a hand up to her cheek, puzzled. She turns her head as if expecting to see something. RIVER: Well, I know it. CLARA: (looks at RIVER) What, you know his name? He told you? RIVER: I made him. CLARA: How? RIVER: It took a while. CLARA: So you're a... friend of his, then? RIVER: A little more than a friend - a long time ago. VASTRA: He's still never contacted you? RIVER: He doesn't like endings. INT. VASTRA'S HOME, PARLOR, NIGHT A figure bends over and whispers over a sleeping JENNY. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR JENNY shivers. RIVER: So what else did this DeMarco tell you? He didn't buy his life with some co-ordinates - how did he prove their value? VASTRA: One word, only. RIVER: What word? VASTRA: One I'd heard in connection with the Doctor before. Trenzalore. RIVER: How exactly did he describe what he was giving you? VASTRA changes the projection so it shows DeMARCO'S face. Everyone watches. DeMARCO: 'The Doctor has a secret, you know. He has one he will take to the grave. And it is discovered.' RIVER: You misunderstood. JENNY: Ma'am, I'm sorry - I just realised, I forgot to lock the doors. VASTRA: It doesn't matter Jenny. (to RIVER) What misunderstanding, tell me? JENNY: No, ma'am, please. I should've locked up before we went into the trance. VASTRA: It doesn't matter! VASTRA turns to look at JENNY who appears scared. JENNY: Someone's broken in. Someone's with us - I can hear them. INT. VASTRA'S HOME, PARLOR, NIGHT A white face leans in towards JENNY, its mouth opened wide showing pointed teeth. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR VASTRA: Jenny, are you all right? JENNY: (scared) Sorry, ma'am, so sorry, so sorry, so sorry... I think I've been murdered. (a tear falls from her eye) INT. VASTRA'S HOME, PARLOR, NIGHT JENNY lies on the floor on her back, three figures stand around her. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR JENNY starts to fade. VASTRA: Jenny! CLARA: What's happened to her? VASTRA: Jenny, can you hear me? STRAX: Speak to us, boy! VASTRA: Jenny! JENNY disappears. RIVER: You're under attack. You must wake up now, just wake up, (stands and slaps VASTRA) do it! INT. VASTRA'S HOME, PARLOR, NIGHT VASTRA wakes and stands, seeing the creatures standing over JENNY. VASTRA: Who are you? What have you done to her? The creatures turn on VASTRA and hiss. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR RIVER: You too, Strax, wake up now! (throws champagne at him) INT. HOUSE, NIGHT STRAX wakes up on the floor. He sits up and more of the creatures surround him. INT. DREAMSCAPE, PARLOR The creatures are the Whisper Men and invade the dreamscape to surround CLARA and RIVER. WHISPER MEN: Tell the Doctor. Tell the Doctor. Tell the Doctor. CLARA: Tell him what? The projection over the table reforms to show the face of Dr SIMEON, the host of the GREAT INTELLIGENCE. INTELLIGENCE: His friends are lost for evermore Unless he goes to Trenzalore. RIVER: No! You can't say that. He can't go there, you know he can't! CLARA hears the DOCTOR'S voice. THE DOCTOR: (O.C.) Angie? Artie? RIVER: The Doctor can never go to Trenzalore! INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, CLARA'S ROOM, DAY CLARA wakes up on the floor of her room. THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) Am I getting warm? Angie? Artie? Am I getting warm? CLARA sits up. INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, BACK HALL, DAY The DOCTOR sticks his hand in front of him. We then see he is blindfolded as he calls for the children. THE DOCTOR: Am I getting warm? Look, I'm pretty sure you have to tell me if I'm getting warm. I'm-I'm-I'm pretty sure that's in the rules. CLARA comes down the stairs. CLARA: Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Ha, Clara! How are you, don't worry. Everything's under control. CLARA: What are you doing? THE DOCTOR: Oh, um, Mr Maitland went next door, so I said I'd look after the kids. They wanted to go to the cinema, but I said no, I said no - not until you wake up, I was very firm. CLARA: At which point, they suggested Blind Man's Bluff. THE DOCTOR: Yes. Where are they? CLARA steps down and removes the blindfold. CLARA: At the cinema. THE DOCTOR: The little...Daleks! (looks at CLARA) What's wrong? INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY CLARA is pouring tea into cups at the kitchen table. CLARA: So who was she? The lady with the funny name and the space hair. She looks over at the DOCTOR who is in the parlor. INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, PARLOR, DAY The DOCTOR is sitting on the sofa looking straight ahead. THE DOCTOR: An old... friend of mine. CLARA: What, like an ex? THE DOCTOR: Yes. An ex. River asked Vastra for the exact words - what were they? CLARA: (walks into the parlor with the tea) "The Doctor has a secret he will take to the grave. It is discovered." CLARA comes to stand in front of the DOCTOR and sees the sadness in his eyes, that he is on the verge of tears. CLARA: Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Sorry. (breaking) And it was Trenzalore? Definitely Trenzalore? CLARA: Yeah. THE DOCTOR: (puts hands over eyes and sighs) Oh, dear... Sorry. The DOCTOR sniffs, gets up and leaves the house. CLARA hurries after him. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is sitting on the storage "units" underneath the console. CLARA slowly walks down the steps, her arms crossed. CLARA: Well? THE DOCTOR: Trenzalore. I've heard the name, of course. Dorium mentioned it, a few others. (stands and uses the sonic on some of the overhead wiring) Always suspected what it was, never wanted to find out myself. (puts away sonic) River would know, though - (pulls down a cable) River always knew. Right, come here, give me your hand. (CLARA comes over ) Now. The coordinates you saw will still be in your memory. I'm linking you into the TARDIS telepathic circuit, won't hurt a bit. (jabs the cable into her palm) CLARA: Ow! THE DOCTOR: I lied. CLARA: OK. What is Trenzalore? Is it your big secret? THE DOCTOR: No. CLARA: OK, what then? THE DOCTOR: When you are a time traveller, there is one place you must never go. One place in all of space and time you must never, ever find yourself. CLARA: Where? THE DOCTOR: You didn't listen, did you? You lot never do, that's the problem! "The Doctor has a secret he will take to the grave. It is discovered." He wasn't talking about my secret, no, no, no, that's not what's been found. He was talking about my...grave. Trenzalore is where I'm buried. (walks up the steps) CLARA: How can you have a grave? THE DOCTOR: (strides to console) Because we all do - somewhere out there in the future, waiting for us. The trouble with time travel, you can actually end up visiting... CLARA: But you're not going to. You just said it's the one place you must never go. THE DOCTOR: I have to save Vastra and Strax. Jenny too, if it's still possible. They cared for me during the dark times - never questioned me, never judged me, they were just... kind. I owe them. I have a duty. No point in telling you this is too dangerous. CLARA: None at all. How can we save them? THE DOCTOR: Apparently... by breaking into my own tomb! (throws a lever) EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE, DAY The TARDIS dematerializes. INT. TARDIS The TARDIS shudders and jerks, throwing the DOCTOR and CLARA off-balance. CLARA: (grips console) What's that? THE DOCTOR: She just figured out where we're going. (tries to keep control of the TARDIS) She's against it. I'm about to cross my own time line in the biggest way possible - the TARDIS doesn't like it. SPACE The TARDIS hurtles away from Earth. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR fights the controls, pushing hard against them to move. CLARA holds tightly to the console. THE DOCTOR: She's fighting it! Hang on! Hang on! Sparks fly from around the console as the TARDIS continues to resist the DOCTOR. One blast hurtles them against the rails. They look up to find themselves in the dark, the only light coming from the sparks. CLARA: Now what? THE DOCTOR: She doesn't want to land. She's shut down. (gets up and goes to console) CLARA: So we're not there. THE DOCTOR: (smacks a lever in frustration) We must be close. (goes over to the main door and opens it) OK. So that's where I end up. CLARA comes over and looks down as well. Below them is a planet covered in ash, fire and smoke. THE DOCTOR: Always thought maybe I'd retire. Take up watercolours, or bee-keeping, or something. Apparently not. CLARA: So. How do we get down there? Jump? THE DOCTOR: Don't be silly! We fall. (closes door) She's turned off practically everything, except the anti-gravs. Guess what I'm turning off? (uses sonic on the console) SPACE CLARA shrieks as the TARDIS plummets towards the planet below. EXT. TRENZALORE, CEMETARY, NIGHT The TARDIS crash lands. The DOCTOR opens the door and looks up at a pane of glass that is broken. He presses a finger to the hole. THE DOCTOR: Oops! The DOCTOR looks around before stepping out fully. The graveyard is packed tight with gravestones of various sizes and shapes. Above, lightning flashes and thunder rumbles. CLARA joins him. CLARA: You OK? Visiting your own grave - anyone would be scared. THE DOCTOR: It's more than that. I'm a time traveller. I've probably time-travelled more than anyone else. CLARA: Meaning? THE DOCTOR: Meaning... my grave is potentially the most dangerous place in the universe. Shall we? CLARA: (closes TARDIS door) Gravestones are a bit basic. The DOCTOR and CLARA walk past the graves. THE DOCTOR: It's a battlefield graveyard, my final battle. CLARA: Why are some of them bigger? THE DOCTOR: They're soldiers, the bigger the gravestone, the higher the rank. They look ahead at something, awe and shock on their faces. They look at each other and then ahead again. Mounted high on a hill is a giant TARDIS. CLARA: Well. Bright side - it's a helluva monument. THE DOCTOR: It's the TARDIS. CLARA: I can see that. THE DOCTOR: No. When a TARDIS is dying, sometimes the dimension dams start breaking down. They used to call it a size leak, all the bigger-on-the-inside starts leaking to the outside. It grows. When I say that's the TARDIS, I don't mean it looks like the TARDIS - I mean it actually is the TARDIS. My TARDIS from the future. (goes ahead) What else would they bury me in? CLARA starts to follow but stops and turns at the sound of RIVER'S voice. RIVER: Clara. Don't speak, don't say my name - he can't see or hear me, only you can. THE DOCTOR: (calls) Well, come on then! RIVER: We're mentally linked, it's the conference call. I kept the line open. THE DOCTOR: (strides over) Who are you talking to? We need to get... (stops at stares) River? (walks over to a stone bearing RIVER'S name and runs his fingers along it) CLARA: That can't be right. THE DOCTOR: No, it can't. CLARA: She's not dead. THE DOCTOR: Oh, she's dead, I'm afraid. She's been dead for a very long time. RIVER: Yeah, should probably have mentioned that - never the right time. CLARA: But I met her! THE DOCTOR: Long story. But her grave can't be here. CLARA hears hushed whispers and turns around. CLARA: Doctor! The DOCTOR hurries around in front of CLARA as the group of Whisper Men approach. He reaches into his inner jacket pocket and pulls out the sonic and uses it on them. The Whisper Men continue to approach. WHISPER MEN: (point at the DOCTOR) This man must fall as all men must The fate of all is always dust. The DOCTOR slaps the sonic against his hand and tries again. When it still doesn't work, he blows on it and tries a third time. RIVER: If it's not my gravestone, then what is it? CLARA: (to DOCTOR) What do you think the gravestone really is? THE DOCTOR: The gravestone? (spares a look at CLARA) RIVER: Maybe it's a false grave! CLARA: Maybe it's a false grave. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, maybe. RIVER: Maybe it's a secret entrance to the tomb! CLARA: Maybe it's a secret entrance to the tomb! THE DOCTOR: (taps the sonic against his forehead) Yes, of course, makes sense. (uses sonic on gravestone) They'd never have buried my wife out here! CLARA: Your what? The ground opens underneath them and they fall. The Whisper Men move forward to the hole. WHISPER MEN: The man who lies will lie no more When this man lies at Trenzalore. [SCENE_BREAK] VASTRA wakes on a dirt floor. She stands hurriedly and sees STRAX propped against a wide square column. She looks around and sees a window high up and the dark skies through it. She looks higher and sees the window is in the bottom row of three. The top window on the left is cracked. Above them are backwards letters that read "POLICE". EXT. TRENZALORE, NIGHT We once again see the TARDIS as the DOCTOR'S tomb. INT. TOMB, NIGHT VASTRA continues to look in amazement, realizing where they are: the space between the inner and outer shells of the TARDIS. STRAX wakes and stands quickly. STRAX: This base is surrounded! Lay down your weapons and your deaths will be merciful! VASTRA: (sees JENNY and rushes over) Jenny! Jenny! (kneels beside JENNY) STRAX: This planet is now property of the Sontaran Empire! Surrender your women and intellectuals. VASTRA: Strax, please! She's dead. STRAX hurries over and scans JENNY with a handheld device. STRAX: No heartbeat - complete cardio-collapse, shock-induced. VASTRA: (grips STRAX'S shoulder) Get her back for me! Get her back for me, or I will cut you into pieces! STRAX: Unhand me, ridiculous reptile! STRAX shoves VASTRA back and she falls to the ground. He holds the device over JENNY'S chest and activates it. STRAX: There we go! JENNY begins to cough and VASTRA strokes her face. STRAX: Just applied an electro-cardio-restart - she'll be fine. VASTRA: Are you all right, my love, can you hear me? JENNY nods. STRAX: The heart is a relatively simple thing. VASTRA: I have not found it so. VASTRA helps JENNY stand just as the Whisper Men approach with the Great INTELLIGENCE wearing the face of Simeon. INTELLIGENCE: I see you have repaired your pet. No matter, I was only attracting your attention. I presume I have it. VASTRA: Dr Simeon - this is not possible. INTELLIGENCE: And yet here we are, meeting again, so very far from home. JENNY: But he died... you told me. VASTRA: Simeon died, but the creature that possessed him lived on. I take it I am now talking to the Great Intelligence? INTELLIGENCE: Welcome to the final resting place of the cruel tyrant. Of the slaughterer of the ten billion and the vessel of the final darkness. Welcome to the tomb of the Doctor. INT. CATACOMBS, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA walk through a doorway into a dark tunnel lined with invading roots. The DOCTOR finds and lights a torch before removing it from the sconce. CLARA: Where are we? THE DOCTOR: Catacombs. (starts down the tunnel) RIVER: I hate catacombs. CLARA: (follows DOCTOR) So how come I met your dead wife? THE DOCTOR: Well, you know how it is when you lose someone close to you. I sort of made a back-up. CLARA looks at RIVER and can see her flicker as she speaks. RIVER: I died saving him. In return, he saved me to a database in the biggest library in the universe. Left me like a book on a shelf. Didn't even say goodbye. He doesn't like endings. A Whisper Man walks right through RIVER, its hand reaching for CLARA. THE DOCTOR: Come on, run, run! (grabs CLARA'S arm and pulls her along) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOMB, NIGHT The INTELLIGENCE looks out over the cemetery from the main entrance of the TARDIS. INTELLIGENCE: It was a minor skirmish, by the Doctor's blood-soaked standards - not exactly the Time War, but enough to finish him. In the end, it was too much for the old man. (turns around to face the others) JENNY: Blood-soaked? VASTRA: The Doctor has been many things, but never blood-soaked. INTELLIGENCE: Tell that to the leader of the Sycorax. Or Solomon the trader, or the Cybermen, or the Daleks. The Doctor lives his life in darker hues, day upon day, and he will have other names before the end. The Storm. The Beast. The Valeyard. VASTRA: Even if any of this were true - which I take the liberty of doubting - how did you come by this information? INTELLIGENCE: I AM information. JENNY: You were a mind without a body, last time we met. VASTRA: And you were supposed to stay that way. INTELLIGENCE: Alas... I did. The Great INTELLIGENCE reaches up with his left hand and peels away his face to reveal nothing within. He removes his top hat and his clothes fall to the ground. One of the Whisper Men steps into his place and the face changes to that of Simeon. INTELLIGENCE: As you can see. INT. TOMB, LOWER LEVELS, NIGHT The DOCTOR bursts through a door and we can see the walls are that of the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: Come on, quickly, we're in. CLARA follows but is grabbed by a Whisper Man. The DOCTOR reaches for her hands and pulls. CLARA: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: Clara! The DOCTOR pulls CLARA free and pushes the door closed on the Whisper Man's hand. The DOCTOR leans back against the door. The hand is pulled free and the door closes fully. THE DOCTOR: Yowzah! The DOCTOR drops the torch and they continue on through the corridors. They climb some steps. THE DOCTOR: Bit of a climb. Think I remember the way. The DOCTOR turns around for CLARA but she is lagging behind. THE DOCTOR: Clara. Clara? (runs to CLARA as she staggers and leans against a wall) It's OK. The dimensioning forces this deep in the TARDIS, they can make you a bit giddy. (holds her against him as they walk forward) CLARA: I know, I know. (pulls away and looks at the DOCTOR) How do I know? How do I know that? THE DOCTOR: Clara, it's OK, you're fine. CLARA: Have we, have we done this before? (flashes on memories from "Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS") We have! We have done this before, climbing through a wrecked TARDIS - you said things, things I'm not supposed to remember. THE DOCTOR: We can't do this now. The TARDIS is a ruin, the telepathic circuits are awakening memories you shouldn't even have. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. TARDIS, ENGINE ROOM THE DOCTOR: Why do I keep meeting you? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOMB, LOWER LEVELS, NIGHT THE DOCTOR: Clara. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. TARDIS, ENGINE ROOM THE DOCTOR: The Dalek Asylum. There was a girl in a shipwreck and she died saving my life. And she was you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOMB, LOWER LEVELS, NIGHT THE DOCTOR: Clara. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. TARDIS, ENGINE ROOM THE DOCTOR: In Victorian London there was a governess who was really a barmaid... And she was you! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOMB, LOWER LEVELS, NIGHT THE DOCTOR: Clara, what's wrong? CLARA: (staggers to a wall) What did you mean, you keep meeting me? You said I died! How could I die? THE DOCTOR: That's not a conversation you should even remember... CLARA: What do you mean I died? WHISPER MEN: (O.C.) The girl who died he tried to save She'll die again inside his grave. The DOCTOR peers through the wire fencing trying to locate the Whisper Men. THE DOCTOR: (takes CLARA'S hand) Run! Run! INT. TOMB, NIGHT The Great INTELLIGENCE faces the main doors to the "inner sanctum" of the tomb. INTELLIGENCE: The doors require a key. The key is a word. And the word... is the Doctor's. The DOCTOR and CLARA arrive and he steps in front of his friends, facing the Great INTELLIGENCE as it turns around. THE DOCTOR: Here I am, late to my own funeral. Glad to see you could make it, Jenny. (looks to JENNY who nods) INTELLIGENCE: Open the door, Doctor. Speak, and open your tomb. THE DOCTOR: No. INTELLIGENCE: Because you know what's in there? THE DOCTOR: I will not open those doors. INTELLIGENCE: The key is a word lost to time. A secret hidden in the deepest shadow and known to you alone. The answer to a question! The DOCTOR strides forward until he is face-to-face with the INTELLIGENCE. THE DOCTOR: I will not open my tomb. INTELLIGENCE: Doctor, what is your name? The DOCTOR doesn't reply and the INTELLIGENCE grips the DOCTOR'S face in his gloved hand. The DOCTOR stares it down before gripping its hand in his own and pulling it away. The INTELLIGENCE walks around the DOCTOR and heads towards the others. INTELLIGENCE: The Doctor's friends. (turns to face the DOCTOR) Stop their hearts. (raises left hand and makes a fist) The Whisper Men hiss. CLARA, STRAX, VASTRA and JENNY whip around to face them. STRAX: Madam, boys, combat formation! They are unarmed! JENNY: So are we! STRAX: Do not divulge our military secrets. The Whisper Men advance, each with a hand outstretched. THE DOCTOR: Stop this! Leave them alone. INTELLIGENCE: Your name, Doctor. Answer me! CLARA: Doctor! STRAX picks up a pipe and with a cry strikes at the Whisper Man in front of him. It makes a gash exposing emptiness but does not stop it. STRAX: Do you want me to do that again? The Whisper Man repairs itself. INTELLIGENCE: Doctor who? The DOCTOR looks around. The Whisper Man in front of STRAX reaches into his chest with its hand. STRAX: Aagh! THE DOCTOR: Please, stop it! INTELLIGENCE: Doctor who? STRAX: Unhand me, sir! Aagh! THE DOCTOR: Leave him alone, let him be. STRAX: Don't worry, sir, I think I've got him rattled. CLARA: Doctor! Doctor! INTELLIGENCE: Doctor who? THE DOCTOR: Please! Behind the DOCTOR, the doors open. The DOCTOR turns slowly and looks at the lit area within. The INTELLIGENCE raises its hand and the Whisper Men release the others. RIVER: (sashays over) The TARDIS can still hear me. Lucky thing, since him indoors is being so useless! STRAX: Why did you open the door, sir? I had them on the run! THE DOCTOR: I didn't do it. I didn't say my name. RIVER: No, but I did. The DOCTOR swallows before turning around to check on the others and help them stand. THE DOCTOR: Is everyone all right? Is everyone OK? Clara? Clara? Are you OK? CLARA: (coughs) That was not nice. THE DOCTOR: (hugs CLARA) I know. I'm sorry. (releases CLARA and walks over to face INTELLIGENCE) Now then, Dr Simeon. Or Mr G Intelligence, whatever I call you... Do you know what's in there? INTELLIGENCE: For me, peace at last. For you, pain everlasting. Won't you invite us in? (steps aside) The DOCTOR looks over at CLARA and sighs deeply before setting his jaw and striding over to the door. He stops and pushes the doors fully open with a groan. INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT The console room has vines growing through it. As the DOCTOR climbs the stairs, we can hear the cloister bell. CLARA and the others follow. In the center, where the console would be is a tower of light, different strands rotating around each other. CLARA: What's that? THE DOCTOR: What were you expecting? A body? Bodies are boring, I've had loads of 'em. That's not what my tomb is for. The DOCTOR leads his friends up to the main level. Opposite them stand the Great INTELLIGENCE and the Whisper Men. VASTRA: But what is the light? JENNY: It's beautiful. STRAX: Should I destroy it? VASTRA: (whispers) Shut up, Strax. CLARA: Doctor, explain. What is that? THE DOCTOR: The tracks of my tears. INTELLIGENCE: Less poetry, Doctor. Just tell them. THE DOCTOR: Time travel is... damage. It's like a tear in the fabric of reality. That is the scar tissue of my journey through the universe. My path through time and space, from Gallifrey to Trenzalore. (uses sonic on light) FIRST DOCTOR: (V.O.) 'Have you ever thought what it's like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension?' SIXTH DOCTOR: (V.O.) '..Cybermen - they're still in the nursery compared to us...' SECOND DOCTOR: (V.O.) 'There are corners of the universe that have bred the most dangerous things...' FOURTH DOCTOR: (V.O.) 'Do I have the right?' NINTH DOCTOR: (V.O.) 'You were fantastic - absolutely fantastic!' TENTH DOCTOR: (V.O.) 'I'm the Doctor, I'm from Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous...' FIFTH DOCTOR: (faint V.O.) So you see... THE DOCTOR: (faint V.O.) Hello, Stonehenge! THIRD DOCTOR: (faint V.O.) It was the daisiest daisy I'd ever seen. THE DOCTOR: My own personal time tunnel, all the days, even the ones that... (weakly) I, er, even the ones that I haven't lived yet. (collapses to the floor) CLARA: Doctor! Doctor! (runs over and kneels beside him) THE DOCTOR: No. No. Which is why I shouldn't be here. The paradox is... it's very bad. The Great INTELLIGENCE starts to move towards the light. THE DOCTOR: No. What are you doing? Somebody stop him! INTELLIGENCE: The Doctor's life is an open wound. And an open wound can be entered. THE DOCTOR: No, it would destroy you. INTELLIGENCE: Not at all. It will kill me - it will destroy you. I can rewrite your every living moment. I can turn every one of your victories into defeats. Poison every friendship. Deliver pain to your every breath. THE DOCTOR: It would burn you up. Once you go through, you can't come back - you'll be scattered along my timeline, like confetti. INTELLIGENCE: It matters not, Doctor. You thwarted me at every turn. Now, you will give me peace, as I take my revenge on every second of your life! Goodbye... Goodbye, Doctor! The INTELLIGENCE steps backwards into the light and screams in pain. The Whisper Men disappear. The INTELLIGENCE is consumed by the light. On the floor, the DOCTOR gasps and cries in pain. CLARA: What's wrong with him? What's happening? VASTRA: He's being rewritten! DOCTOR'S TIMELINE The Great INTELLIGENCE appears throughout the DOCTOR'S timeline, witnessing moments of the First, Second, Third and Fourth incarnations. It culminates when the Great INTELLIGENCE - in Simeon's body - tries to kill the DOCTOR. INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT Images of past incarnations circle around the light. VASTRA: Simeon is attacking his entire timeline - he's dying all at once. The Dalek Asylum. Androzani. CLARA: What did you say? [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK DALEK ASYLUM A DALEK moves forward towards the DOCTOR, who is backed against a door. He then runs down a hallway as it explodes behind him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT CLARA: Did you say the Dalek Asylum? VASTRA: Now he's dying in London, with us. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. GREAT INTELLIGENCE HQ, STUDY, NIGHT SIMEON'S hand touches the DOCTOR'S face and steam rises from his skin as the heat leaves his body and his skin begins to turn blue and cold. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT INTELLIGENCE: It is done. The DOCTOR writhes on the floor as he cries in pain. The light turns from a brilliant white to a dark red. VASTRA: Oh, dear Goddess! JENNY: What's wrong? VASTRA: A universe without the Doctor - there will be consequences. Jenny. With me. VASTRA leaves and JENNY follows. CLARA: The Dalek Asylum. You said it was me that saved you. How? Victorian London. How, how could I have been in Victorian London? THE DOCTOR: No. Please, stop, my life... My whole life is burning. EXT. TOMB, NIGHT VASTRA, JENNY and STRAX step outside and VASTRA holds her device up to the sky. JENNY: What are you scanning for? VASTRA: Local star systems. STRAX: Why? VASTRA: Because they're disappearing. JENNY: Disappearing? How? VASTRA: The Doctor's timeline has been corrupted. His every victory reversed. Think how many lives that man saved, how many worlds. He saved your life when we met. (turns to see JENNY is gone) Jenny? Please, Jenny! No! Oh, God, oh, please, no! (punches buttons on her device) STRAX: Reptile scum! VASTRA looks up to see STRAX with a long pipe which he swings at her. She backs away STRAX: You are an affront to Sontaran purity! Prepare to perish! VASTRA: We're friends! Strax, your past is changing, but I swear, we are comrades! STRAX: Die, reptile! As STRAX moves towards her again, VASTRA fires her weapon and STRAX disappears. VASTRA: Strax! Strax! INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT CLARA is kneeling beside the DOCTOR, who is lying on his back. CLARA: I have to go in there. THE DOCTOR: Please. Please, no... CLARA: But this is what I've already done. You've already seen me do it. I'm the Impossible Girl, and this is why. RIVER: Whatever you're thinking of doing... don't. CLARA: If I step in there... what happens? RIVER: The time winds will tear you into a million pieces. A million versions of you, living and dying all over time and space. Like... echoes. CLARA: But the echoes could save the Doctor, right? RIVER: But they won't be you - the real you will die. They'll just be copies. CLARA: But they'll be real enough to save him. (shrugs) Like my mum said, the souffle isn't the souffle - the souffle is the recipe. (looks down at the DOCTOR and caresses his face) It's the only way to save him, isn't it? RIVER nods. VASTRA: The stars are going out. And Jenny and Strax are dead. There must be something we can do? CLARA: (stands) Well, how about that? I'm Souffle Girl after all. THE DOCTOR: (weakly) No... please... CLARA: (walks towards light) If this works, get out of here as fast as you can. And spare me a thought now and then. THE DOCTOR: (turns head) No, Clara...! CLARA: In fact, you know what? (turns to the DOCTOR) Run. Run, you clever boy. And remember me. THE DOCTOR: No! Clara! CLARA runs into the light. INT. VORTEX CLARA is falling as we first saw her though we now know it is within the time vortex and the DOCTOR'S personal timeline. CLARA: (V.O.) 'I don't know where I am...' INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT THE DOCTOR: CLARA! INT. VORTEX CLARA: (V.O.) '..I just know I'm running.' INT. HOUSE 1800s, NIGHT A mother stands by a window gently rocking a baby in blankets. Then we see a young girl standing at the same window looking out. CLARA: (V.O.) Sometimes it's like I've lived a thousand lives in a thousand places. INT. ROSE & CROWN, NIGHT The pub is doing a good business. CLARA, collects empty tankards on a tray. INT. FUTURE APARTMENT, NIGHT CLARA looks out at the skyline of a city. CLARA: (V.O.) I'm born, I live, I die. INT. CORRIDOR CLARA suddenly finds herself standing in a futuristic hallway wearing 70s style clothes. CLARA: (V.O.) 'And always, there's the Doctor. The Sixth DOCTOR walks across a corridor behind her. CLARA turns but he is already gone. She runs to the other corridor to see the Fourth DOCTOR walking away. INT. VORTEX CLARA: (V.O.) Always, I'm running to save the Doctor, INT. ICEWORLD We see the Seventh DOCTOR hanging from a ledge by his umbrella ["Dragonfire"] EXT. COUNTRYSIDE, DAY CLARA, in 70s clothes, turns around as the Third DOCTOR in Bessie speeds past. CLARA: (V.O.) Again... EXT. CALIFORNIA, BEACH, DAY CLARA is still in her 70s clothes as the Eighth DOCTOR brushes past her. CLARA: (V.O.) and again... She turns to look and the Second DOCTOR in his fur coat rushes by her from the other direction. CLARA: (V.O.) and again. [SCENE_BREAK] CLARA looks down on the Fifth DOCTOR as he floats in the Matrix ["Arc of Infinity"]. EXT. LONDON 1892, STREET, NIGHT CLARA follows the Eleventh DOCTOR. ["The Snowmen"] CLARA: Oi! (V.O.) And he hardly ever hears me. The DOCTOR stops and turns. INT. GALLIFREY, REPAIR SHOP CLARA: (V.O.) But I've always been there. The DOCTOR looks around nervously. CLARA: Doctor? THE DOCTOR: (sees CLARA) Yes, what is it? What do you want? CLARA: (V.O.) Right from the very beginning. (to DOCTOR) Sorry. But you're about to make a very big mistake. Don't steal that one, steal this one. (leans against TARDIS) The navigation system's knackered, but you'll have much more fun. INT. VORTEX The TARDIS rides through the vortex. CLARA: (V.O.) Right from the day he started running. INT. LIVING QUARTERS CLARA/OSWIN: (sits in chair and tucks up legs) Run, you clever boy... INT. TOMB, CONSOLE ROOM, NIGHT CLARA: And remember me. (runs into the timeline) LATER The DOCTOR'S timeline has returned to its normal glow. STRAX and JENNY'S deaths have been undone. They stand with VASTRA on one side and the DOCTOR stands on the opposite, his back to them. STRAX: It was an unprovoked and violent attack, but that's no excuse... VASTRA: We are all restored, that is all that matters now. THE DOCTOR: (turns around) We are not all restored! RIVER: You can't go in there. It's your own time stream, for God's sake! THE DOCTOR: I have to get her back. RIVER: Of course! But not like this! JENNY: But how? VASTRA: Is she still alive? It killed Dr Simeon. THE DOCTOR: Clara's got one advantage over the Great Intelligence. VASTRA: Which is? THE DOCTOR: Me. RIVER: Doctor, please listen to me - at least hear me. THE DOCTOR: Now... if I don't come back - and I might not... RIVER: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: ...go to the TARDIS. The fast return protocols should be on, she'll take you home, then shut herself down. RIVER: (steps towards the DOCTOR) There has to be another way. Use the TARDIS, use something. Save her, yes, but for God's sake, be sensible! RIVER raises her hand to slap the DOCTOR. He turns around and grips her wrist. RIVER: How are you even doing that? I'm not really here. THE DOCTOR: You are always here, to me. And I always listen and I can always see you. RIVER: Then why didn't you speak to me? THE DOCTOR: I thought it would hurt too much. RIVER: I believe I could have coped! THE DOCTOR: No. I thought it would hurt ME. And I was right. (grips RIVER'S face in his hands and kisses her) Since nobody else in this room can see you, God knows how that looked. STRAX, VASTRA and JENNY share puzzled looks. THE DOCTOR: There is a time to live and a time to sleep. You are an echo, River. Like Clara. Like all of us, in the end. My fault, I know, but you should've faded by now. RIVER: It's hard to leave when you haven't said goodbye. THE DOCTOR: Then tell me, because I don't know - how do I say it? RIVER: There's only one way I would accept. If you ever loved me... say it like you're going to come back. THE DOCTOR: Well, then... (backs away and tries to be non-chalant) See you around, Professor River Song. RIVER: Till the next time, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Don't wait up. RIVER: Oh, there's one more thing. THE DOCTOR: Isn't there always? RIVER: I was mentally linked with Clara. If she's really dead, then how can I still be here? THE DOCTOR: OK. How? RIVER: Spoilers. Goodbye, sweetie. (fades away) After a moment, the DOCTOR slowly turns around. He takes a deep breath and steps into his timeline. INT. VORTEX CLARA opens her eyes and flames are reflected in them. She is falling downwards. CLARA: (V.O.) I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'm going, or where I've been. I was the born to save the Doctor, but the Doctor is safe now. I'm the Impossible Girl and my story is done. EXT. ??? CLARA falls on the mist-shrouded ground. She sits up quickly and looks around in the dim light. CLARA: Doctor? There is a loud thudding. CLARA: DOCTOR! The thudding continues. CLARA curls up, lowering her head to the ground. CLARA: (sobs) Please! Please, I don't know where I am. THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) Clara. CLARA stops sobbing and lifts her head. THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) You can hear me, I know you can. CLARA: I can't see you. THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) I'm everywhere. You're inside my time stream. Everything around you is me. The First DOCTOR walks past her and she watches him go. CLARA: I can see you. The Sixth DOCTOR walks by in the opposite direction. CLARA stands. Then the Fifth DOCTOR and Ninth DOCTOR run past. CLARA: All your different faces, they're here. The Fourth DOCTOR runs past. THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) Those are my ghosts. My past. Every good day, every bad day. There is a loud cry of anguish followed by a thunderclap. CLARA falls to the ground. CLARA: What's wrong, what's happening? THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) I'm inside my own time stream, it's collapsing in on itself. CLARA: Well, get out, then! THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) Not until I've got you. CLARA: I don't even know who I am. THE DOCTOR: (V.O.) You're my Impossible Girl. I'm sending you something - not from my past, from yours. Look up. Look. (a leaf falls from the sky) This is you, Clara. Everything you were or will be. Take it. (CLARA takes leaf) You blew into the world on this leaf. Hold tight. It will take you home. CLARA staggers along the path. THE DOCTOR: Clara! Clara! Come on! CLARA turns around and sees the DOCTOR standing there, encouraging her to walk towards him. THE DOCTOR: Come on, to me, now. You can do it, I know you can. CLARA: How? THE DOCTOR: Because it's impossible. And you're my Impossible Girl. CLARA walks towards him slowly. THE DOCTOR: How many times have you saved me, Clara? Just this once, just for the hell of it, let me save you! You have to trust me, Clara, I'm real. Just one more step. CLARA reaches him and wraps her arms around his neck. He grips her tightly. THE DOCTOR: Clara. My Clara. (kisses her head) Over CLARA'S shoulder, the DOCTOR sees a still figure, his back to them. The DOCTOR slowly releases CLARA and she turns around. CLARA: Who's that? THE DOCTOR: Never mind, let's go back. CLARA: But who is he? THE DOCTOR: He's me. There's only me here, that's the point. Now let's get back. CLARA: But I never saw that one. I saw all of you. 11 faces, all of them you. You're the 11th Doctor. THE DOCTOR: I said he was me. I never said he was the Doctor. CLARA: I don't understand. THE DOCTOR: (slaps palm to forehead) Look, my name, my real name - that is not the point. The name I chose is the Doctor. The name you choose, it's like a promise you make. (looks to figure) He's the one who broke the promise. CLARA faints and falls against the DOCTOR. THE DOCTOR: Clara? Clara! Clara! (picks up CLARA) He is my secret. MAN: (older voice) What I did, I did without choice. THE DOCTOR: I know. MAN: In the name of peace and sanity. THE DOCTOR: But not in the name of the Doctor. The DOCTOR turns and walks away. The MAN turns around to show an older man, looking to be somewhere in his 70s with a trim grey beard.	Plan: A: an imprisoned murderer; Q: Who told Madame Vastra that the Doctor's secret would be taken to his grave? A: a soporific; Q: What does Madame Vastra use to bring herself, Jenny and Strax to a conference call in their dreams? A: a letter; Q: What does Madame Vastra send to Clara to include her in the conference call? A: River Song; Q: Who explains that Madame Vastra misunderstood the message? A: Vastra's group; Q: Who do the Whispermen kidnap? A: Clara awakens; Q: Who informs the Doctor of the prophecy? A: the prophecy; Q: What does Clara tell the Doctor is unfolding? A: the Silence; Q: Who predicted the Doctor's death? A: a dying, monolithic TARDIS; Q: Where is the Doctor's resting place? A: his true name; Q: What does the Great Intelligence demand the Doctor speak to unlock the TARDIS? A: his entire timeline; Q: What does the TARDIS house? A: the Doctor's life; Q: The Great Intelligence scatters itself throughout what? A: defeats; Q: What does the Great Intelligence rewrite all of the Doctor's victories into? A: two; Q: How many echoes of herself does Clara become? A: his own timeline; Q: Where does the Doctor go to rescue Clara? A: a previously unseen incarnation; Q: What does Clara discover about the Doctor? A: the promise; Q: What did the Doctor break that goes along with the title The Doctor? Summary: Madame Vastra is told by an imprisoned murderer that the Doctor's secret will be taken to his grave. She uses a soporific to bring herself, Jenny and Strax to a conference call in their dreams; she sends a letter to Clara to include her. River Song attends, and explains Vastra misunderstood the message; it is his grave that has been discovered. The Whispermen kidnap Vastra's group, while Clara awakens and informs the Doctor, making him realise the prophecy the Silence predicted is unfolding. At Trenzalore, the Doctor's resting place is a dying, monolithic TARDIS. Inside, the Great Intelligence waits for them; it demands the Doctor speak his true name to unlock the TARDIS. When the Doctor refuses, River speaks it instead. The Doctor explains that the TARDIS houses his entire timeline. The Great Intelligence steps into it and scatters itself throughout the Doctor's life, to rewrite all his victories into defeats. Clara follows after it, becoming two of the echoes of herself that the Doctor met. The Doctor enters his own timeline to rescue Clara, after she discovers a previously unseen incarnation of the Doctor that apparently broke the promise that goes alongside the title The Doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in to room 214 in Stevenson Hall. It is night. Soft music is playing. Interior is dark except for Buffy's bedside lamp, and Riley and Buffy can be seen lying on her bed, above the covers (fully dressed), but to say they were only "making out" would be like saying the sun is only kinda bright. You hardly need to hop to reach the conclusion they're headed for. Riley: (between kisses) We're not expecting anyone, are we? Buffy: Willow said she was going to be at the science library all night. Riley: Is that right? They resume. On the brink of Steven Bochco territory, Riley slips his hand up the back of Buffy's shirt and begins to lift it but Willow pisses off most of the male viewers, as well as some of the female viewers, by barging into the room, breaking the mood. Buffy: Uh, apparently not. Buffy stands up and straightens her shirt. Willow: (worried) We got trouble. Buffy: (serious) What is it? Willow: I was in the rec room. It came through the window. Riley: Vampire? Willow: Vampires don't breathe fire. Cut to hallway, first floor. Buffy, Willow, and Riley round the corner. Buffy is carrying a rifle-size crossbow. Riley: I should call for backup. Buffy: No time. She hands him the crossbow and motions him down the adjacent hall and he splits from them towards the other door into the rec room. Buffy arms herself with a stake from her bag. She does not look happy as she and Willow head for the door. Buffy: We have to make this fast. I have better things to do tonight than kill. Opens the door and steps inside the rec room which is in total darkness. A second later the lights come up and we and Buffy see that it is a surprise party for her 19th birthday (says the large banner hanging across the ceiling) and a crowd of people yelling: Everybody: SURPRISE! Which Buffy is and quickly hides her stake. Riley rushes in through the door on the other side of the room, but attention is on Buffy so he hides the crossbow without anybody noticing it. In the crowd we see Xander Harris, Anya, Rupert Giles, and several other faces (we might recognize as extras from previous seasons). Willow: (smiling) Guess you won't be killing anything tonight, after all. Buffy: (sly grin) Don't be so sure. Wolf's howl. Opening credits and theme playing. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part One ~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in to the party, well on its way. The table is lined with cake, snacks, punch, etc. Pan to Giles, Xander, and Anya gathered around the soccer table. Giles has a paper plate with cake and a cup of punch. He's talking around a mouthful of cake as Xander and Anya listen to him. Giles: Yeah, this is a lively space. It's like the activity room we had at public school. Two male students move in on the soccer table and Giles picks up his cup and steps away. Giles: Sorry (chuckles) I, uh, one time I, uh, I was up to a little bit of a prank with the dart board-- Anya: (to Xander) I'm bored. Let's eat. Xander: (sternly) Anya, we've talked about this. Anya: (to Giles) I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. (seems proud of herself as she looks to Xander) (then quietly) Hopefully it involves treacle and a headmaster. Giles: (not amused) Go and eat. Anya hurries off and Xander gives Giles an apologetic look before following. Dissolve to later. Giles is sitting in a chair against the wall, alone, looking a bit uncomfortable as the party continues around him. Willow walks up to him with another paper plate of cake. Willow: (handing him the plate) Giles! Hi. Are you having a good time? Giles: (standing) Yes. Yes. There's, uh, a lot of new faces here, aren't there? Willow: Yeah. Mostly kids from the dorm. A couple of Riley's friends. Buffy walks up with Riley. Buffy: (happy) Hi, Giles. Giles: Buffy. Happy Birthday. He balances his plate and cup to let her hug him. Buffy: Thank you. Giles: (smiling) Nineteen. It's hard to believe, isn't it? Buffy: There's somebody here I want you to meet. Uh, this is Riley Finn (he steps forward and Giles needs to put down his plate to shake his hand) . . .. my boyfriend. Riley: (as Giles gives Buffy a surprised look) It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Giles. Did you help plan this? It was quite a surprise. Giles: (to Riley) The first of many. Uh, been . . . dating long? Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school. Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone down hill since you left. Giles: (chuckling) Yes. I-I-I'm embarrassed to say that I actually miss it at times. Riley: So, you're retired? Giles: (frowns) I'm sorry? Riley: Or . . . you're working somewhere else now? Giles: (slightly embarrassed) Well, not, uh . . . sort of between projects, uh, right now, uh, it's a personal-- Buffy: Oh! Oh, look. Giles has no cake. Riley: Oh, here. Here, I'll get you a piece. He hurries off to make the cake run. Willow must have already moved on because Buffy and Giles are alone. Giles still seems to be recovering. Buffy: Oh, he's just nervous. But this is so nice. Having everyone together for my birthday. Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it will still be the bestest Buffy Birthday Bash in a big long while. Giles: Right. A-a-actually, Willow a-a-and Xander did all the planning. I'm not sure I would have gone with the surprise party. (smiles) You know, you have enough things jumping out at you in the dark. Buffy: Professor Walsh says that adrenaline is like exercise but without the exorbitant gym fees. Giles: (a beat) Very whitty. Buffy: You should meet her. She's absolutely the smartest person I've ever met. Giles: (feeling a bit slighted) Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party? (takes of sip of punch) Buffy: Oh, no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids. Giles feels even more out of place, but Buffy doesn't pick up on his discomfort. Riley returns with another piece of cake and hands it to him. Riley: Here you go, sir. On Giles' expression cut to-- --exterior of Harris home, next day. A plain looking one-story house. Cut to interior of the basement: abode de Xander. Spike is seen walking back and forth as if looking for something to pack in his bag, cigarette in his mouth. Xander is standing on the other side of the room and Anya is lounging on the recliner, browsing a comic book. Xander: (impatiently) You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long. Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. Spike sees a radio and picks it up. Xander: That's my radio! Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil! Anya: (putting comic aside) So, what kind of place are you looking for? Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this. Anya: Heh. It's pretty depressing, isn't it? Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one. (flicks is cigarette away) Xander: That's it! Let's go. Xander marches to him about ready to drag his ass out. Anya: Wait. (gets up and unplugs the tall three-head lamp and brings it over to him) I want to give you something for your new place. Xander: That's my lamp. Xander takes it back from her and returns it to its original spot. Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it. Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp. Spike: It's not gonna have electricity anyway. It's a crypt, remember? Anya: What about running water? A fridge to keep your blood fresh? Spike: (a beat) No. Anya: Well, that's gotta suck. You should just get a hotel room or something. Spike: (considers) Demon girl's got a point. I need fresh blood. If I had a few bob for a room with an honor bar-- Xander: Out! Before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out! Spike: (sighs, picks up his long coat) Don't know why she didn't come. Say good-bye, shed a few tears. Xander: Well, she has an appointment with somebody who's actually still scary! Cut to Professor Walsh's office. Walsh is sitting behind her desk and has a serious expression on her face. Walsh: So, the Slayer. Buffy: Yeah. That's me. Buffy is sitting in front of Walsh's desk, looking a tad nervous, with Riley standing slightly behind her left shoulder. Walsh: We thought you were a myth. Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken. (smiles but sees that neither are gonna laugh and stops) Walsh: And to think all that time you were sitting in my class. Well, most of those times. I always knew you could do better than a B minus. Now I understand your energies were directed in the same places as ours, in fact. It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick. Buffy: Well, it's more effective than it sounds. Walsh: Oh, , I'm, heh, quite sure of that. As I'm just as sure that we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance to come into the Initiative. I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here, alone, has killed or captured-- how many is it? Riley: (note of pride) Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons. Buffy: Oh . . . Wow. (trying to sound impressed) I mean, that's . . . seventeen. Walsh: What about you? Buffy: Me? Walsh: How many hostiles would you say you've slain? Glancing back and forth between them, Buffy is considering, and from her expression we-- Cut to Giles's apartment. He's dusting inside one of his book cases. He stops as he suddenly remembers something. He holds the feather duster between his teeth and takes an old tome from the shelf. He opens it and sits down on a cushion footrest. He reads then does a calculation with his fingers. He removes the featherduster. Giles: "Third new moon after the . . . nine-hundredth feast of Delthrox." Oh, (stands up) crap. Cut to moments later. Giles is at his work desk gathering supplies and putting them in his bag as he talks on the phone. Giles: No, we can't wait for her, Willow. The demon Prince Barvain is going to rise tonight. Well-- Where is she, exactly? Cut to UC Sunnydale campus. Still daylight. Buffy and Riley are walking outside approaching a large flowing fountain. Riley has a stunned expression on his face. Riley: Wow. Buffy: Those are my best stories. And I didn't tell you the "Buffy breaks her butt" stories. Riley: But you've killed a-- You did the thing with that-- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention the . . daily . . slayage of (pause) Wow. Buffy: It's no big, really. (cheerfully) Hey, who wants ice cream! Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending . . . I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself . . . needing to know the plural of "apocalypse." They've rounded the fountain and continue walking. Buffy: Look. If you've been fighting since you were fifteen you'd have a hefty resume' too. Riley: (shocked) Fifteen!? Buffy: (winces) I know, "wow." The point is, that, that we have different amounts of experience. You know. And plus, I do have that whole preternatural Slayer strength deal. Riley: (nodding) I've seen. Don't get me wrong. The girls I grew up with could hold their own. But . . . I'm not even sure I could take you. Buffy stops and looks up at him. Buffy: That all depends on your meaning. Riley smiles down at her. Cut to Professor Walsh's office. She is standing behind her desk busy looking over some papers. There is a knock on the door. Walsh: Yeah? The door opens and Giles steps inside. Giles: Professor Walsh, I presume. You're hard to find. These--these halls are quite the labyrinth. I felt like Theseus and the Minotaur in the . . . labyrinth. Walsh: (a beat) Can I help you with something, Mr. . . . ? Giles: Giles. Rupert. (walks over and offers his hand, Walsh shakes it) I'm looking for Buffy Summers. I'm, uh, a friend of hers. And I was her high school librarian. Walsh: I'm sorry, Buffy's not here. But if I see her . . . Giles is looking at Walsh's framed credentials hanging on the wall. Giles: Buffy's been very influenced by your cause. She quotes you quite often. (smiles) Sometimes she sounds like an introductory textbook herself. Walsh walks past him to put something in the file cabinet next to him. Walsh: (returning to her desk) I don't lecture from the text book. But I'm glad she's inspired by the material. She's bright. All she's really been lacking is encouragement in the academic sect. Giles: Oh, uh, I think it's best if-if. . . if we let a young person find their own strengths. If you lead a child by the hand then they'll never find their own footing. Walsh: And if it's true about hiking, ergo, it must be true about life. Giles: (removing his glasses to polish them with a handkerchief) That's not, uh . . . I'm just saying Buffy is, uh, well she's not the typical student. Once you get to know her, she's a very unique girl. I hope you're not going to push her. Walsh: I think I do know her. And I have found her to be a unique woman. Walsh rounds to the front of her desk to sit in a chair facing him. Giles: "Woman." Of course. How wrong of me to choose my own words. Walsh: She's very self-reliant, very independent-- Giles: Exactly! Walsh: --which is not always a good thing. (this causes Giles to pause) I think it can be unhealthy to take on adult roles too early. What I suspect I'm seeing is a reaction to the absence of a male role model. Giles: (squinting) Absence? Walsh: (standing) Buffy clearly lacks a strong father figure. Giles is speechless. Walsh decides to end the conversation. Walsh: I'm sorry, I have things to do. I'll tell Buffy her friend was looking for her. Walsh moves back behind her desk to continue working and off Giles' slighted expression we-- Cut to a cemetery at night. Xander and Willow are at Giles' sides. They are walking in a quick pace to keep up with him. Willow: This prince/demon guy was supposed to rise at sunset so aren't we, like, late? Giles: Of course if I hadn't had to search the globe for our Miss Summers and do battle with that harridan. . . . Xander: And if you hadn't gotten lost on campus afterwards . . . Giles: Never mind. I'll just have to take care of it myself. I've vanquished a few demons in my day without her. Of course, it wouldn't surprise me if we're entirely too late. Demon on the loose, carnage everywhere. They've reached a large mausoleum and step inside through the wrought iron gate. Cut to interior shot of them opening the inner door walking down the foyer steps. They see the place is in order, except for a lot of cobwebs decorating the walls. Xander: Your better demons will clean up after themselves. Giles: (confused) I don't understand. (moves to the center of the chamber, scanning with his flashlight) Umm, there should be ruptured earth and-and broken stone. Oh, well, apparently it hasn't happened yet. A bit of luck. Giles sets his bag down on the floor and opens it to begin pulling out his supplies. Willow: Or, you know what I bet? I-I bet the Initiative took care of it. Giles: Who? Xander: Oh, Riley and his guys. Probably all over it. Willow: Yeah. It has that "too neat" look. They must have cleaned up the place. Giles is looking at them, at a lost. Giles: What? Willow: Oh, they read hot spots. Areas of otherworldy energy. (looking around) They must've picked this place up days ago. Giles stands up and faces them. Giles: Stop, both of you. Uh, what, uh . . . What are you talking about? W-what's the Initiative? What. . . what on earth does it have to do with Buffy's new boyfriend? Giles raises the flashlight almost to their faces as Willow and Xander exchange a nervous glance. Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos. Giles: (exasperated) What?! Well that's marvelous, isn't it? (turns away in a fit) Here I am, spent weeks trying, uh, t-to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them?! (faces them) Who else knows?! Xander: No one. No one else knows this. (pauses) Anya, and that's it! Willow: (sheepishly) And Spike. Giles: Ssspike?! Spike knew? Xander: Only the basic stuff. You know, that Riley is a commando and Professor Walsh is in charge. Giles: (furious) Professor Walsh!? That fishwife!? Willow: You know, she's actually not that bad once you get to-- (sees Giles' look) So, th-the demon is probably a little late. W-we'll just, you know-- Giles: Oh, forget it. Go on. You two clear off. I'll just stay a little longer just in case. Willow: You sure? 'Cause we can stay. Giles: No. Go. Eager to escape his wrath, Willow and Xander beat feet out. Giles sits down on a stone bench in silence for a few seconds. Giles: Who am I kidding? He stuffs his supplies back in his bag and hurries to the door. Giles: (muttering) Nothing is gonna happen. He leaves closing it behind him and all is quiet for a moment. Then we see the back of a man wearing a gray trench coat step into the frame looking at the closed door. Ethan: I wouldn't say that. (cut to front closing shot of Ethan Rayne) I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap-- Shot of the door opening again and Giles shining the flashlight inside. Giles: Did someone--? Ethan: (caught) Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone! ~~~~~~~~~~~ Part Two ~~~~~~~~~~~ Just as we left things. Giles is stepping down to Ethan's level. He doesn't look happy to see the other English man. Giles: Ethan Rayne. You have no idea how much thrashing you is gonna improve my day. Ethan tries to bolt past Giles, but Giles clubs him in the gut with the flashlight and Ethan falls forward. Giles jerks him back up and is ready pummel him, raising a fist. Ethan has his hands up to ward off attack. Ethan: (scared) No, no, no! Wait! Hang on! You-you can beat the crap out of me. Go ahead, I can't stop you! (Giles cocks back his fist) Or-or you can listen to what I have to say. Find out what's going on. Giles: What are you talking about? Ethan: Something bad is happening. Bad for both of us. Giles: Bad for you. (cocks fist again) Ethan: No, no, no! Listen! You have to listen! You're going to need time to prepare! >From Giles' "ready to kick Ethan's ass" expression we-- Cut to a bar. Dimly lit, slight honky tonk feel to it. Juke box playing music in the background. Ethan and Giles are sitting at a booth as a waitress is serving them their draft beers. Ethan is removing his coat. Ethan: Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass? Giles: No. Ethan: Oh. It's more fun for me. Waitress moves away. Giles: (raising his glass) Just tell me what you want to tell me. Ethan: (mock hurt) Oh, so crass. We used to be friends, Ripper. When did all that fall apart? Giles: The same time you started to worship chaos. Ethan: Oh, religious intolerance. Sad, there. I mean, just look at the Irish troubles. (annoyed, Giles starts to rise to leave) Oh, hang on, I'll tell ya. (Giles settles down again) Something happening in the darkworlds. It's always been rumors out there but . . . only one thing's coming through clear.. That something's harming demons and it's not the Slayer. Know anything about it? Giles: (takes a drink) What are they saying? Ethan: Heh, you know demons. It's all exaggeration and blank verse. "Pain as bright as steel" things like that. They're scared. There's something called "314" that's got them scared most of all. The kind of scared that turns to angry. I know we're not particularly fond of each other, (Giles chuckles scoffingly) Rupert. But we are a couple of old mystics. This knew outfit, it's blundering into new places it doesn't belong. It's throwing the worlds out of balance. And that's way beyond chaos, mate. We're headed quite literally for one hell of a fight. Cut to close up of Buffy throwing jabs at the camera. High shot: we see she is sparring with Riley on workout mats, circling each other. He's dressed in sweats and a T-shirt. Buffy's in a white long sleeve shirt and blue jeans, with a scarf wrapped over her long flowing hair. She throws a few more jabs and he blocks them and counters with a one-two combo Buffy easily ducks under. They continue to circle. Buffy launches three roundkicks in quick succession. He blocks the first two then sidesteps the third gets up behind her and wrapping his arms around her. Riley: (smiling) Are you pulling back? Buffy: (grinning) Are you? Riley: (shrugs) Maybe a little. Buffy suddenly spins out of the hold and Riley is thrown off his feet, spinning before hitting the mat on his back. He looks up. Buffy is smiling down at him. Buffy: Maybe a little, too. Riley smiles and kicks himself to his feet. They begin to circle again. Riley: I'll go all out if you will. Buffy: Are you sure? Riley: (serious) Here we go. Riley steps in with a combination of hard swinging hooks that Buffy is quick to block. She ducks under his last punch and captures his legs in a scissor hold and takes him down with her. Riley quickly rolls out of her legs and scrambles to his feet. Buffy is quicker and is waiting for him. She hits him in the chest with a side kick that launches him into the air. He flies across the room over a gymnastic pommel horse and lands on a thick fall cushion. The impact upsets another large cushion leaning against the wall and it falls on top of him. Cut to Buffy. Shocked expression at what she did. Buffy: Riley! She runs over to him and tosses the cushion off of him. Buffy: Are you hurt? Riley sits up, hand on his chest. He looks winded. Definitely humbled. Riley: I, uh, (groans) I don't think so. Buffy: I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to, uh-- Riley: (sounds unsure) It's fine. I'm good. Riley offers a slight grin and Buffy seems to feel better. Cut back to Giles and Ethan. Everything is almost the same except that their table is cluttered with glasses and shot glasses, mostly empty, and they are both stinky drunk. They seem on the verge of passing out. Giles: (faltering voice) You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her Nancy-ninja boys come in and six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me. Ethan: (drunkenly) Who's Maggie Walsh? Giles: Oh, she's awful. She said I was an absent male role model. Absent my ass. I'm twice the man she is. Ethan: (OS) You know you're really very attractive. Giles: Hm? He sees that Ethan is talking to the waitress, who is serving them another round. He starts writing something on a piece of paper. Ethan: Here's my name and number. (hands it to her) You give me a call, I'll show you a good time. Waitress: (unimpressed) Yeah, thanks. She departs. Giles: We gotta face it, we've changed. We'll not you . . . you're still sadistic and self-centered. Ethan: (toasting himself) Here's to me. Giles: The world has past us by. Someone snuck in and left us a couple of has-beens in our place. This Initiative, I mean, their methods may be causing problems, but they're getting the job done. Where am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head. Ethan: Well, we won't have to worry about that anymore now, mate. (serious tone) When you went to the loo I slipped a small pellet of poison in your drink. You'll be dead in an hour. Dramatic pause as the words sink in for Giles and he seems to sober. Ethan: Just kidding! They both burst out laughing, blood alcohol returning to their high intoxicated levels. Giles: (calming down) I'm gonna feel like hell in the morning. Ethan: Relax. Enjoy the night. We're just a couple of sorcerers. The night is still our time. Time of magic. They raise their glasses in a toast. Giles: To magic. Cut to Tara's dorm room: dorm unknown, room number unknown. It is very dim. The walls are black and strewn with a string of white Christmas lights that give the place a mystical look. Tara is kneeling on the floor pouring white powder, sand, or salt in the design of a four-point star in a circle. Willow is holding a red rose. Willow: (sitting across from her) I'm glad you wanted to get together. I know it's late. Tara: Thanks. (a beat) I was happy you called. Willow places the rose on top of the circled star. Willow: We'll start out slow. Tara sits and Willow reaches her hands out to her and the blonde girl links hands with her. Tara: Okay. Willow closes her eyes and Tara follows suit. They sit there for a few seconds in silence. Tara: Willow? Willow: Yeah? Tara: (eyes opening) Start out slow doing what? Willow opens her eyes. Willow: (in a soft voice) Oh. We're gonna float the rose. Then use the majiks to pluck the petals off, one at a time. It's a test of synchronicity. Our minds have to be perfectly attuned to work as a single delicate implement. Tara: (a moment, then smiles) Cool. Willow: And it should be very pretty. They hold hands again and close their eyes. They are in deep concentration and a bright light comes to life on the circled star. At the same time a soft breeze sweeps through the room and the rose starts to shudder. Slowing it begins to rise. When it is shoulder level with the girls they open their eyes and look at it. They release each other's hands. Tara: (softly) It worked. Willow: (softly) Now for the hard part. The petals. They begin to concentrate again looking at the rose when the rose suddenly shoots off across the room. Surprised, they stand and watch as the rose ricochets off the walls a few times and have to duck to avoid it. It finally comes straight down on the four point star and we see that it is petalless but smoking. Willow: (shocked) What the heck was that? Tara: I don't know, but, uh, the petals are off. (chuckling) Cut to exterior shot of Giles' apartment building, morning. Giles' Citroen is parked by the curb. Cut to interior shot, Giles' loft. An alarm buzzer goes off and we see a body moving under a sheet on the bed and the alarm is shut off. Dissolve to shot of panted legs walking down the stairs. Giles: (yawning) I feel like hell in the morning. We see Giles reach the landing and stop in front of a small mirror hanging on the wall while he releases a big yawn, stretching his arms. We see that Giles is a demon! Light brownish tan skin, with long horns sprouting from the sides of his forehead, curving back and around his really long, hairy, ears, ending in sharp points next to his cheeks. As he yawns he shows us a set a fangs much like a vampire's. He smacks his lips when the yawn is done and finally opens his sleepy eyes and sees his new form for the first time. Giles: (eyes popping wide open) Uh! Wha-- Wha--(touching his horns) No! Leaning closer to the mirror he puts a hand on the wall and his now clawed hand goes through it. Giles is in a state of disbelief as he pulls his hand back out and absently rests it on the stairs' banister. It's instantly rip from the railing. He looks at what he did. Giles: Damn! He takes the final steps down to the first floor and throws the banister down, where it hits a chair and shatters it. He's looking around, confused, then is struck by a thought. Giles: Ethan. Giles' voice has taken on a low gravelly sound. He goes to pick up the phone and it shatters in his hand before he can lift it to his ear. He drops it and moves to pick up his shirt from the floor. He struggles to get into the sleeves and when he tries to shrug into it his now jutting, ridged, spine rips it down the middle. Giles: (grimacing) Oh, and I liked that shirt! He trades the shredded shirt for a thick flannel blanket and wraps it around his shoulders as he heads for the door. He grabs the handle and the door comes off its hinges, but Giles is beyond caring at this point and steps outside. Cut to Buffy. She and Willow are having breakfast in the Rocket Cafe on campus. We haven't seen Buffy in this good a mood in such a long time it's almost scary. She is happily stacking her pancakes on her plate. Buffy: I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. (looks at Willow's plate) Ooo, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to. Willow: (laughing) You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now. Buffy: Hey. I didn't hear you come in last night. Where were you? Willow: (quickly) The chem lab, by myself. (a beat) I-I was trying this new spell; floating a rose, when all of a sudden (motions with fork) zing, zing, zing! Like all over the room. It was like a rose-based missile. Buffy: Yikes. Willow: I know. I think there's something out there. I-I felt this presence.. This dark majiks energy blocking the spell. It's new. Buffy: Someone else doing majiks? Willow: Maybe. If so, it's someone pretty powerful. Buffy: Hmm. I'll tell Giles about it. Or maybe I'll tell Maggie. She seemed kind of interested in learning the mystical side of the whole demon hunting biz. Willow: Tell Giles. He's feeling a little hurt right now. (Buffy frowns in question) How come you never told him about Riley being a commando? Buffy: I did. (Willow shakes her head) I didn't? Willow: He says no. He's feeling neglected and out-of-the-loopy. Buffy: Well, I didn't at first because Riley said not to. And . . and then "meow" cat out of the bag and I-I guess I just forgot that he didn't know. (cheerfully) I'll make it up to him when I see him. Tomorrow. I'm spending today with Riley. Willow: Oh, yeah. I forgot that's what you always do on the days when the earth rotates. Buffy: (smiling) It's just going so well, right now. I think. (stops smiling) I hope. (grins sheepishly) I sort of kicked him across the room last night. Willow: Uh, that's not good. Buffy: Well, we were sparring and he said not to hold back. And he's a little dented. But he said he was okay with it and I think he's okay with it --do-do you think he's okay with it? Willow: I'm sure he is. I mean, if he's not . . . you know, you had to do it. He's right. You can't walk around pretending you're less than you are. It wouldn't be right for you to hold back. Buffy: Right. (frowns) Willow: What? Buffy: (a beat) I held back a little. Cut to Xander's basement. Giles quietly opens the door and steps inside. He walks under the clothesline of drying underwear and sees Xander sleeping in bed. Giles: (surprised) Still asleep? (sees the clock) It's ten thirty in the morning. He moves forward and leans down to gently shake the bed. Giles: (whispering) Xander. Xander, wake up. Groggily, Xander turns on his side and looks over his shoulder at him, eyes still closed. Xander: (sleepily) Mom? Giles: No, it's not mum. Now, when you look at me . . . you may be a little alarmed but there's no need, it-it's me. Giles. Now, Ethan has turned me into a demon and I need your help. Xander slowly opens his eyes. Giles: Hello. Yes, it's me. Giles: (Xander's POV: speaking a demon language) Xander: AHHH! Xander jumps out of bed and backs away. Giles: Xander, listen! Don't you understand me? Giles: (Xander's POV: speaking demon language) Xander: (shouting) Demon! Demon! Giles: (Xander's POV: speaking demon language) Giles: Please, don't you understand? (Xander starts grabbing pots and pans from his shelves and throws them at him) No, no! Don't! Xander! Xander, calm down! Ow! You're just a little overwrought. Oww! Giles: (Xander's POV: growls in frustration and runs out the door) Xander: That's right! Run for your life! Cut to Giles outside in broad daylight, running across a lawn. Children are playing and Giles is stepping on their toys scattered on the grass. Kids are frightened and a mother is reaching for her child. Giles: (panicked) Oh, God. I'm sorry! Mother: (grabbing her child) Call 911! Giles: (running away) Bloody humans! [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part Three ~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in to panning evening shot of Sunnydale. Cut to courtyard of Giles' apartment building. Buffy is leading the way down the steps with Xander, Willow, and Anya. Buffy: So it had pointy things. What kind of pointy things? Xander: The pointy kind. And tufty ears. Oh, and it might have a sauce pan shape bruise. (trails off as they stop) Willow: Giles will know what it . . . was. They see Giles' door is off its hinges leaning against the inside wall. They hurry in. Buffy: Giles? Xander goes halfway up the stairs to check the loft. Buffy: Looks like Xander wasn't the only one to get a visitor today. Xander: (coming back down) He's not upstairs. Willow: Oh, God, Giles. Buffy: Okay. There's a demon and Giles is gone. But it doesn't mean that he's hurt. I mean, there's no blood anywhere so maybe the demon just took him somewhere? Anya is picking up Giles' ripped shirt and holds it up for inspection. Anya: (mildly) I think it ate him up. Buffy, Willow, and Xander become more worried. Cut to a cemetery. Giles is lumbering through, still wrapped in his blanket, in a miserable mood. He walks past a stone mausoleum and does not notice Spike holding up a measuring tape to one of its walls. The vampire sees him and moves out behind him in a casual BMF strut. Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? (Giles stops) A demon. That would be . . . oh, right . . . the things I can kill. Giles: ("why me?" tone) Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day. Spike: (frowning) Giles? Giles: (turning around, fists up) Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting-- You understand me? Spike: Of course I understand you. Giles: I'm speaking English? Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And . . . by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning? Spike steps back to the mausoleum, pulling out his smokes. Giles follows him.. Giles: As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne. You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a . . . good being killed. Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart? Giles: Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you. Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter. (takes a drag) Giles: Money. I could pay you money. Spike: (steps closer and flicks cig away) Oh, I like money. How much? Giles: A h-hundred dollars. Spike: A hundred dollars? You'll have to do a lot better than that. Two-hundred. Giles: Fine. Spike: (surprised for a second) Right, then. Giles: Right, then. Spike: So what's first? (grinning) I run and tell the Slayer what you've gotten yourself into? Giles: No. When I find Ethan I can clear all this up without Buffy ever having to find out that anything happened to me at all. Giles starts out of the cemetery and Spike follows. Cut to Giles' apartment. Xander is sitting at Giles' desk looking through several open books. Everyone is looking through books. Willow is holding a book for him. Xander: Okay, that's a giant vulture. I'd have mentioned it if it was a giant vulture. Willow steps away to keep searching. Willow: Buffy, even if we figure out what kind of demon got Giles --I mean, how are we gonna find it? Buffy: We'll figure it out. (shows a book to Xander) Oh, this one has tufty ears. He looks at the page and dismisses it with a wave. They all look towards the door when they hear a noise outside. Willow: (whispering) What was that? Buffy moves quietly to the door pulling out a stake. The door moves and Buffy cocks back the stake and -- It's just Riley. Riley: Buffy? Buffy: Riley. What are you doing here? Riley: There were 911 calls from a couple of different places. Including here. Xander: You get 911 calls? Riley: We have a tap into the system. It flags things with possible nonhuman causes. (Xander shakes his head in dismay and continues researching) We check them out. (to Buffy) What are you doing here? Buffy: This is Giles' apartment. He's missing. The calls, did anyone see what did it? Riley: Negative. No. Neighbors just heard, you know, growling, things breaking. Sounded like a struggle. Willow: Poor Giles. Buffy: We'll get him back. Riley: What are you working on? Buffy: Uh, we have stuff. Pictures . . . Anya: (helpfully) We have nothing. Riley sees Buffy's crestfallen expression as she leans against the wall and puts his hands on her shoulders. Riley: I'll help. The whole Initiative. We'll do whatever you need. Buffy: Thanks. I just wish I knew what I needed. I keep thinking, "let's ask Giles" and then I remember. Xander: He'd be great right now. He'd find himself in a second. Nobody is cooler in a crisis. Cut to Giles' Citroen. Giles is in the passenger seat and Spike is behind the wheel, wrestling with the gearshift. The car sounds like it's being murdered. Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear! Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it. Giles: It's perfectly serviceable. Spike: (laughs) Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable." Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like "Like to crush. Crush now?" Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life. Giles's growls. Spike: (looks at him) What was that? Did you growl? Giles: No. Listen, about this Fyarl demon. Do-do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams? Spike: Well, you got the mucous thing. Giles: What? Mucous? Spike: Paralyzing mucous. Shoots out through the nose. Sets on fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight. Giles: Are you making this up? Spike: (sly grin) Maybe. But hey, you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me. Giles: (growls) Turn here. He slams his arm against the door for emphasis and Spike makes a left turn. The Citroen makes it's disapproval of this known with the grinding of gears.. Giles: Down shift! Down shift! Spike: Calm down, will you? Giles: I'm not sure I can. I feel like I'm changing. Spike: (sighs) Fine with me. So long as you pay me. Giles: (growling quality) I really like this feeling. Sort of mindless need to destroy. This anger and rage. Spike: Good times. Go with it. Giles: (almost normal voice again) No. Spike: Oh, it's fun. I can't do it, do it for me. Now let yourself go. Giles: I refuse to become a monster because I look like a monster. I have a soul. I have a conscience. I am a human being. Oh, stop the car! The Citroen pulls to a stop at the corner of Main Street and we see that Professor Walsh has just crossed the street. Giles hops out of the car, without his blanket, and creeps up behind her. When he's close enough he roars and waves his claws in the air. Walsh looks over her shoulder and (surprising for the evil Bitch Monster of Death) screams like a woman and runs for her life as Giles chases her down the street, pass the Espresso Pump. He stops halfway down the street but Walsh continues to flee. Giles hurries back to the car ignoring the gaping stares of a few pedestrians. Giles: (closing the door) Right. Let's go, then. While we're still laughing our asses off, we go back to Giles's apartment. Our gang is gathered around the sofa. Xander, Willow, and Anya are sitting on the cushions and Buffy is sitting on the arm of the sofa (really long couch). And Riley is standing behind it. Xander points into the book he's holding and passes it to Willow. Xander: That's the thing that attacked me. Willow: A Fyarl demon. Sort of a foot soldier type, works for other demons lots of the times. Very strong . . . ugh! And hey, mucous. Buffy: Mucous? Riley: (cell phone beeps and he pulls it out) Agent Finn, go ahead. Buffy: How do I kill it? Willow: Silver. A weapon made of silver. Riley: Yes. I understand. (hangs up) The demon attacked Professor Walsh. Got out of a small, gray car. A Citroen. Willow: It stole Giles' car. Xander: Why would a demon steal a car? Anya: Why would a demon steal that car? Buffy: A demon that steals a car has a reason. A purpose. But it doesn't sound like these Fyarl demons are really big independent thinkers. So, Will, the spells that are going wrong . . . could they be caused by someone using majiks to control a demon? Making this Fyarl demon attack Giles? Willow: Yes. Yeah, that would draw in a lot of dark energy. Buffy: Okay. (standing) Willow, Xander: stay here. Who's ever controlling this demon may call and ask for a ransom. Give them anything they want. Xander: You got it. Rounding the couch and stepping towards Giles' desk. Buffy: Riley, you and I are going to the magic shop. Maybe they needed supplies. Uh, something silver . . . She looks on the desk and picks up a letter opener. Riley: A letter opener? It's not very sharp. Buffy: Then I'll have to put some muscle behind it. As they leave the apartment-- Cut to the seedy place Giles and Ethan got smashed. Spike is on a stool, his back to the bar, the same waitress standing in front of him. He throws back a shot and places the glass on the bar. Spike: (suave) Two of them. English like me. But older, less attractive. One of them gave you his number. Quick shot of Giles sitting at the end of the bar, looking on, hidden under his blanket. Waitress: I threw it out. I mean, I took one look and saw that he was staying at that rat trap. No thanks. Spike: Which rat trap? Waitress: The one by the highway. The Sunnydale Motor Inn. Spike: (smiles) Thank you. Cut to the magic shop where Buffy is kicking in its door (again). She hurries inside with Riley following, and they go behind the register counter. Buffy: Okay. Credit card slips, sales receipt. Help me look. Riley: (disapprovingly) You shouldn't have done that to the door. Buffy: I do not have time to play by the rules tonight. Riley: I have a master key. It opens every shop on Main Street. Buffy: Oh. Well . . . next time, absolutely. Buffy opens a drawer and is flipping through credit card slips. Riley: I don't know what I'm looking for. Buffy: I do. (rips free a slip) (pissed, dumps the slips back in drawer and slams it) "Ethan Rayne." Riley: Who's that? Buffy: (handing it to him) Professional bad guy. He's gotta be the guy that made the demon attack Giles. (Riley's pulling out cell phone) At least we know who we're looking for. Riley: (into phone) Command, are you there? Buffy: What are you doing? Riley: (into phone) It's agent Finn. I need a search. Local hotel registrations matching the name Ethan Rayne. R-A-Y-N-E. Call me back. (flips it close) Buffy: (maybe impressed) You can do that? Riley: It'll take a couple of minutes. Buffy: Get in the car. Be ready to go. He starts to follow her out of the shop. Riley: Buffy. (she stops to face him) Earlier, when I talked to Professor Walsh, she gave me very specific orders. Buffy: Yeah? Riley: She said when we located the demon I . . . I'm not supposed to bring you along. Buffy: (not missing a beat) Oh. (turns to leave) Riley: Uh, what are you doing? Buffy: (faces him) I'm going to the car. Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me. Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along. Riley: Buffy, it's not really your call. This is a military operation now. Buffy: (steely) Then call out the troops. Because nothing less than that is gonna stop me. This demon did something to Giles and I'm gonna kill it. She leaves and Riley has no choice but to follow. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Part Four ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in on our English demons in the Citroen. Giles is growling softly. Spike: How ya feeling, mate? Giles: (growling quality) Like snapping necks until everyone is dead. Spike: Now that sounds like a Fyarl demon. Good for you. Shot through front of the windshield. We see a set of bright headlights pull in behind the Citroen. Spike sees this through the rearview mirror. Spike: Hey, picked up a tail. Giles: (almost normal voice) Yes. Just a little one. It hurts when I sit. Spike: I mean someone is following us. Humvee. Military. Giles: Well speed up. Lose them. Spike: I got it floored. Why'd you buy this car? Giles: Well do something. If they catch us, we'll both end up in a lab! Spike: It's getting closer. Cut to exterior shot. A second humvee suddenly swerves in front of the first, closer to the Citroen. Spike: And it's got a friend! Giles: Damn! Giles slams his arm against the door but his fist finds the window and shatters it. Spike: Oh, sure! Dismantle the getaway car. That'll scare them. Giles: Then slow down and I'll jump out. They'll follow you. Spike: Hold on. These commandos. They're the same guys that are after me too.. Maybe I want you around to split their attention a bit? Giles: I'll pay you another hundred dollars. Exterior shot. Citroen screaming ass (as well as it can) around a corner and the side passenger door opens to let Giles tumble out onto the street. He rolls towards the sidewalk as the car continues and is on his feet and heading for the shadows by the time the humvees come tearing after Spike. Cut to exterior shot of Sunnydale Motor Inn (which looks like the same motel Faith stayed at). Cut to interior of Ethan's room. He is busy packing his suitcase to haul ass out of town when Giles smashes through the door. Almost sh1tting a brick, Ethan turns and is frightened by the site of the pissed off demon growling at him. Then recognition hits. Ethan: Giles? Ethan sees that Giles is deep in "like to crush" mode and backs away at his approach. Ethan: Now-- it-it-- calm down! (gets on the bed trying to escape) It's okay. Good Giles. Giles reaches for him and Ethan dodges him, jumping off the bed. It seems like he might make it past him when Giles grabs him. Ethan: No! No! Don't kill me! Practically a mindless Fyarl demon now, Giles gets him by the throat and lifts him in the air. Ethan: (choking) I can't undo you if you kill me! But Giles doesn't seem to care and flings him across the room where he crashes head-first into a night stand, shattering it to pieces. That's when Buffy and Riley rush in and see the situation. Ethan: (to Buffy) You've got to stop it! It killed Ripper and now it's trying to get me! Buffy: (glaring at Giles, but to Riley) Don't let him go. Giles takes a step forward and Buffy knocks him back against the wall with a spinning back kick. Buffy: (very pissed) What did you do to him? What did you do?! What about Spike? Oh, yeah. The humvee chase is still in progress. Spike is definitely enjoying himself as he pulls the wheel sharply to the side, making the decrepit Citroen fishtail around a corner. The humvees are still on its ass. Spike takes another sharp turn and this time the lead humvee looses control and spins out forcing the second humvee to screech to a halt before it hits it. Spike: (looking in rearview mirror) You just try and stop me, you stupid jar-- (CRASH!) The Citroen crashes into the side of a building. NOT AIRED IN FINAL CUT OF EPISODE The driver's door opens and Spike staggers out. Spike: I can kill demons. I can crash cars. . . . Things are looking up!" Back to Ethan's room. Giles charges Buffy and shoves her against the wall. She retaliates with a hard right cross. Ethan, trying to escape, hits Riley with a right cross. Riley --showing considerable restraint-- just grabs him and throws him against the dresser twisting his arm behind his back. Buffy is executing a jumping front kick, knocking Giles back. Ethan: (watching) You're only going to make him angry. Which seems true as Giles just keeps getting back up no matter how many times Buffy knocks him down. Ethan tries to escape again, elbowing Riley in the face, but Riley grabs him again, slamming him into the wall before he could reach the door. Giles takes a swing at Buffy who ducks and slams several punches to his face. When Ethan takes another swing at him, Riley takes a few seconds to beat the crap out of him. He smashes an elbow into Ethan's face and punches him in the stomach. Buffy is hitting Giles in the face with a roundkick and Riley shoulder-flips Ethan to the floor, getting him in an arm lock and pressing a knee against his face. Back to Buffy and Giles: she is picking up a foldable stand as Giles charges her with his large horns and traps his head in the leather straps. Swinging him around she throws him to the other side of the room. She tries to press her attack when Giles frees himself lifting his head, smashing the curve of his horn into her face, and she falls to the floor. Giles growls at her. Buffy gets Giles' legs in a scissor lock and takes him down. Before he can get up, Buffy straddles his waist with the letter opener in her hand. She leans down close to him. Buffy: This is for Giles! Giles: For me? With both hands, Buffy raises the weapon high above her head and slams it down into Giles' chest. Giles' eyes open wide. Buffy is looking into his eyes. Buffy: (shocked) Oh, God! Giles! Buffy pulls out the letter opener. Giles: (from Buffy's POV: trying to say something in Fyarl) Buffy: (pleading) Oh, God! Giles! Giles! I'm so--I'm so sorry! Please don't die! Giles: Actually, I feel quite well. Except for the rage. Buffy sees that Giles doesn't seem to be dying and is relieved. Buffy: (to Riley) I think he's okay. I--(frowning at letter opener) is this thing real silver? Cut to some time later. Riley is guarding the door speaking into his cell phone. Ethan is sitting cross-legged on the floor, remnants of a spell just completed in front of him. Buffy is standing behind him holding him by the back of his collar. He's looking glum as he rests his chin on his fist. Ethan: (pouting) I really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the "stay and gloat" that gets me every time. Buffy nudges him with her knee and walks across the room as Riley finishes his call. We see Giles, normal again except for a very ugly silk shirt he's wearing, standing in front of the dresser mirror looking at himself. Buffy stands beside him. Buffy: You okay? Giles: (sheepishly) Oh, um, uh, embarrassed, mostly. Ethan's wardrobe's not helping any. (faces her) Uh, how did you know it was me? Buffy: Your eyes. (off his look) You're the only person in the world that can looked that annoyed with me. They share a touching moment. Ethan gets to his feet. Ethan: Is this gonna go on much longer? I'd rather like to be going. Buffy: (crossing her arms) And why would I let you go? Ethan: (pompously) Well, maybe because you have no choice. I'm human, you can't kill me. What's a Slayer going to do to me? Riley steps up behind him as a couple of tough looking MP's enter the room. Riley: (as Ethan is cuffed) By the authority of the US military, you're being taken into custody pending a determination of your status. (to MP) Take it from here. Ethan doesn't look happy as they take him out of the room. Buffy and Giles exchange a very happy look. Riley: They'll, uh, take Mr. Rayne to a secret detention facility in the Nevada desert. I'm sure he'll be rehabilitated in no time. Giles: (grinning) Uh, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna --go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle. He steps outside leaving Buffy and Riley alone. He steps close to her. Buffy: Thanks. Riley: I told you I'd help. Buffy: You did. If I'd had gotten here any later and if Giles had killed Ethan, I . . . never would have gotten him back. Riley: You'd find some other way. (pause) You're really strong. Like Spider-Man strong. Buffy: Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But . . yeah. Riley: And you're in charge. You're like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders. Buffy: (a beat) I'm the Slayer. Riley: I like it. Buffy: (smiles) Yeah? Riley: But give me another . . oh . . week to get ready. And I'll take you down. Buffy gives him a slight "oh, yeah?" look and as they smile at each other we-- Cut to Giles' apartment the next day. Buffy is sitting on the sofa, legs curled, barefoot, with a throw pillow in her lap. She is watching Giles hook up his new cordless phone. Buffy: Nice phone. Giles: Yes. Fabulous technology. See, if anyone has information I need to know, they can, uh, simply tell me about it. (lifts the handpiece) Through this ingenious speaking tube. I'm very excited. Buffy takes all this with "I deserve that" acceptance. Buffy: I am sorry, Giles. I really thought I told you about Riley and the Initiative. And I know that it doesn't help. Look, I promise it won't happen again. I will tell you everything. Giles: (walking towards the couch, removing his glasses) Buffy, I don't want to ask you to betray any confidences, and I certainly don't want to interfere-- Buffy: Uh-oh, you have "but-face." (Giles narrows his eyebrows at her) You look like you're gonna say "but." Giles: (a beat) But . . . this, um, Initiative, I'm-I'm a little concerned. Ethan's not exactly a reliable source but, um . . . I'm not sure that he's wrong about them. Rounds the sofa to sit down next to her. Buffy: I'm not dating the Initiative. I'm dating Riley. He's a good guy. Giles: And I-I believe that. But he's part of something we-we don't really understand. Buffy: (knowingly) You sure you're not just saying this because you don't like Riley's boss? Giles: (as if offended) No! No. I'm not saying that at all. (considers) Though I do . . . hate her quite a lot. But I want you to have your personal life, but . . . keep your eyes open. Make sure you know what you're getting into. Off Buffy's expression-- Cut to the underground headquarters of the Initiative. Riley is walking with Walsh across the large complex. In the background we can see several lab techs and military personnel moving about as well as the two parked humvees --that were unable to catch an old grampa car. Walsh: So she walks in and the rules just suddenly break? Riley: Umm . . . pretty much. Walsh: Be careful with her. She reacts on instinct. There's no discipline there. Her loyalties are uncertain. They reach a metal security door. Riley: You won't be disappointed in her. She's good at what she does. She is the truest soul I've ever known. Walsh: Oh, no (chuckling) oh, no! Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord, spare me college boys in love. Riley: I'm just saying she'll work out. You'll be proud of her. Walsh: You want to know what I think? (pause) I think you're probably right. Riley smiles then moves off leaving Walsh who swipes an ID card through a keypad and steps inside the security door. Cut to interior we see Walsh walk a short distance down a white corridor and punch a code into another keypad and slide the ID card through again. The door she is standing in front of unlocks and she opens it and disappears inside. It closes again and we see a number stenciled into the door: 314.	Plan: A: Giles; Q: Who hires Spike to help him? A: drinks; Q: What does Giles go out for with Ethan Rayne? A: Robin Sachs; Q: Who played Ethan Rayne? A: the morning; Q: When does Giles wake up as a Fyarl demon? A: The Initiative and Buffy; Q: Who mistaken Giles for a Fyarl demon? Summary: Giles, feeling left out, goes out for drinks with Ethan Rayne ( Robin Sachs ). He wakes up in the morning as a Fyarl demon, and hires Spike to help him. Mistaking him for a Fyarl demon, The Initiative and Buffy try to hunt him down.
The Kerwin House Ashley and Terri are at the piano. Ashley is practicing on the piano while Terri is working on a project. Terri: Hey, wanna hear something cool? A protection chant. Ashley: Uh, Terri. I'm sorta busy right now. Terri: "I call upon my angelic guardians, I call upon my spirit guides." Ashley: I call upon Terri to stop freaking me out. Why did you pick that topic for your presentation anyway? Terri: I love this mystic oracle stuff. Ashley: It gives me the creeps. Anyway, I think I've got our song down, finally. Listen. (Singing) Oh, just tell me how I can be, all that you ask of me and still feel that I am free, free to be who I am. (Terri moved to the piano while Ashley is singing) Wow, we're so gonna be the stars of the cabaret. Terri: Uh, I thought we were going to pick the songs pace up a bit. Ashley: This is the right pace. You know that right? Terri: Uh, sure. I just thought this was a duo, you're singing this on your own. Ashley: We are a duo. Come on, sing along this time. Terri: Ok. Ashley: (Singing) Oh, just tell how I can be, all that you ask of me... Degrassi Grade 8 Homeroom- The morning announcements about Cabaret are on. Liberty: Are you serious about performing for lunchtime cabaret? Then you need to sign up with me by noon today. I'll decide if your act is appropriate and up to our usual standards. Paige: Ter, we should totally hook up for Cabaret. Terri: I'm already doing a duo, with Ash. "Two Girls and a Keyboard". Paige: Hun that sounds lamer than Heather Sinclair's highland sword dance. Terri: I know but the song Ash wrote means the world to her. Too bad it's just blah. Paige: Well you need me. To jazz it up, add some style. Terri: I tried to get her to do that already, but she won't. Paige: She won't? It's a duet, not a dictatorship. Just tell her you want a popper song and a trio. (Bell rings) Mr. R: Good morning, aspiring scholars. In the light of Ms. Kwan's continued absence, I am going to be your homeroom teacher again today (kids groan but stop when he looks up) Please take your seats. (Ashley comes in and sits next to Terri) Ashley: This cabaret's gonna be the best one. Just wait till they hear our song. Terri: Ash? Ashley: Yeah? Terri: Yeah, can't wait. (Paige isn't happy because Terri didn't tell Ash) Media Immersion Emma: It's a poetic dance on an environmental theme, Sean. You'll love it. Sean: I don't dance. Emma: You don't have to dance. Manny and I will dance. I just want you to be the hunter. Sean: I don't wear leotards. Manny: We don't wear leotards. Just black, like panthers, in honor of our basketball team. Emma: And because they're in dangered. In our piece, we're gunned down by a hunter. It has a strong message. Sean: I don't hunt. The bell rings. Emma: I can't believe Sean won't do it. It's gonna be so good. The audience will be entertained and learn something that pros us. JT: Leotards and learning don't go together. Leotards and laughter do. Emma: You're so primitive. Manny: Who are we gonna get to be the hunter? Emma: We'll find somebody. Toby: I'll do it. JT: What? Emma: Really? (He nods) Toby, you're the best! Toby: Hey, I do what I can. Emma: We rehearse after school in the gym. Toby: See you there. Manny and Emma leave. JT: Well, I think it's cool when guys get in touch with their feminine side Toby: Of course you do, JT. Look at you. JT: Ha, ha. Funny. Media Immersion Terri is giving her presentation Terri: There are many mystic oracles, but tarot and ouji are my favorite. Now, could I have a volunteer? Spinner: Madame Terri? I'll do it. (He goes up to Terri) Terri: Take a deep breath. What would you like to ask the oracle? Spinner: Great mystic oracle, am I really a super stud? Mr. Simpson: You don't an oracle to answer that one, Gavin. Ask another serious question, please. Spinner: What was the name of my first pet? Terri: I call upon my angelic guardians, I call upon my spirit guides. (She moves the pointer on the board. Spinner says each letter as she moves it) Spinner: R...O...C...K...Y. Rocky. How did you... That's cool and just a bit creepy. (He sits down) Mr. Simpson: That was something, Terri. Excellent use of power point. You've earned top marks. Which is just as well because I wouldn't want the mystical oracles against me. Paige: Ash, you don't believe in all this stuff do you? Ashley: In the real stuff yeah. My aunt predicted my grandma's stroke by reading tea leaves. (Terri sits down) Paige: So, if you heard a prediction, one that affected you, you'd believe it? Ashley: Yeah. I'd be stupid not to. (Terri and Paige look at each other, excited) Outside JT: You don't even know how to dance. Toby: I don't have to, I'm just hunting. JT: You're doing this just to get close to Emma. Toby: Duh. JT: News flash Toby: She has a boyfriend. Toby: Who refused to dance. So who's the hero now? Table Terri is doing tarot cards with Manny. Manny: So, I'm a fool? Terri: No, in tarot, the fool represents fate. What's important is it's upside down. In means your day will end unexpectedly, with a twist. Manny: A twist? What's that supposed to mean? Terri: It means you should watch out. Manny leaves, and Paige comes over and sits. Terri: Yes, Paige. What would you like to know? Paige: Oh, mystic oracle. Should Two girls and a piano become a trio? Ashley: Paige, it's Two girls and a keyboard, and no. We're fine. Terri: You ask. If you're right, the oracle will back you up. Terri shuffles the cards and Paige picks one after Terri puts them in three stacks. Terri: Wow, the three of rods. Rods represent creativity, our band, and the three... Paige: The oracle has spoken. Class Ashley: "The oracle has spoken". (Imitating Paige) Terri: The oracle did speak. Paige joins the band. Ashley: Sounds like you want her to join. Terri, she'll make it all sexy and stupid. She'll wreck everything. Terri: I thought you said you totally believed in the oracles. Ashley: I do, but my aunt was an expert. You're an imitator. Terri: Was I an imitator when I found out Spinner's pet's name? Ashley: Please. Spinner told you about his cat Rocky about a month ago. Terri: How'd you know? Ashley: I was there, remember? Outside Paige: I can't believe she didn't buy it. Terri: She said I was an imitator, and she thinks your style will like clash. Paige: Me? Clash? As if. Don't tell me you agree with her. Then tell her you don't agree. What's the worst that could happen? Ashley: Paige, I know you want to be in the band. Paige: No, I know the band needs me. Ashley: Well Two girls and a keyboard is gonna remain just that. Sorry. Manny: What do you think about adding a jested? Something like this? (She starts walking on the steps and hurts her leg) Aah! (She falls on the ground. Ashley, Paige, and Terri try to help) Ashley: Can you stand on it at all? Emma: It's already starting to swell. We should probably take you to the nurse. Manny: I can't believe this. How am I gonna dance? How am I gonna be a panther? Ashley: Ter, you predicted a twist and she just twisted her ankle. Terri: She did. I can't believe she did. Paige: And you were right about me. Ashley: Who am I to argue with the oracles? You're in Paige. Paige: Yes! Ter, aren't you happy? Terri: Totally, I just can't believe I predicted that. I am creepy. Degrassi - The next day. Paige is showing Ashley a poster. Paige: Even I'm amazed at my brilliance. Ashley: Paige Michalchuk and the sx Kittens? Please. Paige: What's wrong with it? Ashley: Why don't we just make it 3 girls and a keyboard? Nice and simple. Paige: Nice and boring. Ashley: Ter, what do you think? 3 girls and a keyboard or Paige Michalchuk and the sx Kittens? Terri: I think they're both interesting. Paige: Ter, you don't like 3 girls and a keyboard do you? Terri: I think we should just focus on getting the song down. The name will come later. Ashley: Fine. (To Paige) Here's the song on CD. Learn it and must us at the wall at four to practice. Mr. R: All right, settle everyone. Let's continue with our discussion from last class. We talked about sentence and paragraph structures. (As he's talking, the camera is focused on Paige listening to the song, which you can tell she doesn't like by the look on her face) Hall Emma: All we have to do is adjust the dancing. Tone it down a bit. Manny can be the hunter. Toby: I don't know, Em. I'm not exactly the best dancer. JT: I think it's a great idea, really. I can't wait to see it performed. Toby: Playing the hunter is one thing. But dancing? Emma: You're the only one who's been to all the rehearsals. Manny: You know the part. Toby: Of the hunter. Why can't we just have two panthers and one hunter? Emma: Just forget it. I'll go tell Liberty we're not going on. Toby: Fine, I'll do it. But I'm not wearing a leotard. Emma: You don't have to. Toby, thank you, I mean it. (After Emma and Manny leaves, JT dances and Toby hits him) [SCENE_BREAK] Girls Washroom Terri and Paige are in there. Paige: Ok, ready? (Paige comes out of a stall wearing a kind of short sparkly blue top) Viola. Terri: Wow. That's an incredible look...for you. Paige: And you. Terri: I don't think so. I'd look like a sausage. Paige: Silly. You'll look great. We're so going to get a record deal. Especially after you hear my ideas for the song. Terri: Have you listened to it yet? Paige: Yeah. Terri: And? Paige: Well, it has promise. But right now, it sounds like a bunch of cows dying. (They laugh as Ashley enters) Ashley: Paige, what are you wearing? Paige: Our new look. You like? Ashley: I don't. You want us to look like prostitutes? Paige: Fine. I'll go get us some nun costumes. Ashley: Very funny Paige. Terri and Paige go outside to talk privately. Paige: She's holding us back. Terri: I've tried Paige. Paige: And failed. Listen, I have some ideas for the sing, but Ashley is going to hate them. We need the mystic oracles to convince her. Terri: After Manny, I'm not messing with the oracles again. But... Paige: But what? Terri: What if you and I try your ideas? Made a new version of the song. Maybe Ash would like it. Paige: That's a big maybe. Huge. But, ok. And I think I know exactly who can help us. I just have to change. (They go back in the washroom) Media Immersion Terri: Mr. Simpson, this synthesizer, you talked about in class once, didn't you? Mr. Simpson: Right. Paige: Well, we weren't really playing attention. But we wish we were. Terri: 'Cause we have this song here and we want to make another version of it. Mr. Simpson: Well you came to the right place. This set up here is amazing. Wish I had back when I was in a band? Paige: Stop, rewind. Mr. Simpson, you were in a band? Mr. Simpson: Zit remedy. We even had a video. You ever head of us? (Singing) Everybody wants something that... (Stops) I'll take that as a no. Let me show you how this works. Ok. Gym Emma, Manny, and Toby are practicing. Jungle music is playing as Emma dances. Manny: (When Emma tilts her head up) Toby, that's your cue. Toby: Oh sorry. (Toby runs on stage. They dance, until Toby and Emma bump heads) Emma: JT, stop the music. (The music stops) Toby, you keep leaning in the wrong way. Toby: Right, sorry. Wanna try again? Emma: No, I think I've had enough head injuries for today. Toby: Ok. Emma: Maybe you should try it at home, in front of the mirror or something. Toby: Sure. (Emma and Manny leave) JT: Man, how far will you go? Toby: JT, shut up, now. media immersion A really cool beat is being heard on the computer. Paige: This is so perfect, Mr. Simpson. It's so danceable. Mr. Simpson: (He stops it) Y'all ready for this? (He presses a button and a new beat starts) Terri: Wow. Hall Ashley is waiting for them and she hears the noise. Ashley: What is that? (She gets up to find out) Media Immersion Paige & Terri: (singing) Oh, just tell me how I can be, all that you ask of me. And still feel- Ashley: I guess I missed the rehearsal. I don't believe this. You guys re-did my song? Mr. Simpson: Ashley, it's just an alternate tape. Both versions are still on the computer, so there's no problem. Paige: We weren't trying to ruin your song. We were taking it to another level, you know? Ashley: No, Paige. I don't know. First, the name, then the clothes, now my music. Forget it. Paige: Well I think we should go with our version right, Terri? Ashley: Ter, there's no argument. You know the song was better before. Terri: I...I don't know. Paige: You should let the oracle decide. We can all agree on that. After all, Terri is in touch with the other side. Ashley: Ok, we'll consult the oracle. Terri: mystic oracle, which version should we go with? (Ashley picks a card) High priestess. It means...go with the new. Sorry, Ash. The oracle has spoken. The next day P.A.: Lunchtime cabaret will be commencing shortly. Those interested in attending should make their way to the gym. Room Paige and Terri are sitting in their outfits. Paige & Terri: (singing) ...and still feel that I am free, free to be who I am. (Ashley comes) Paige: Did someone miss the announcement? We're on in like 5 minutes Ash. Ashley: I did some internet research on your last reading. The high priestess means stay with the old. You said go with the new. You lied, Ter. Why? Terri: Because you hate all of my suggestions. Ashley: That is so not true. Terri: It is. I don't get a say in anything. It's not fair. Lunchtime Cabaret Kids clap as Liberty goes on stage Liberty: Welcome to Lunchtime Cabaret. I expect you'll handle yourselves appropriately. So without further ado, please welcome our first act, a dance piece entitled Endangered. (She goes off the stage and Emma goes on in her panthers outfit and does her part, then Toby comes on beside her and they dance until they bump heads) Emma: Toby. Toby: Sorry. Spinner: Man, this is too easy. (They continue dancing. Then Manny comes on and shoots them. Toby falls.) Jimmy: What is this? (Everyone laughs loudly) Sean: (Gets up) Hey! Shut up! Let them dance. (Emma smiles at him) Toby: Emma, we're not done. (They finish) Paige, Terri, and Ashley. Paige: Guys, we're going on in like two seconds. Ashley: Look, the oracle said go with the old. You guys better watch out. Who knows what might happen if you defy them. Liberty: Guys, you're on. Terri: I don't care what the oracle says. We're using with the new version. Ashley: Fine. Then, you can use the new group, the one without me. Paige: Fine. Ter, come on. Liberty: Did you settle on a name? Finally? Terri: Just call us "Paige and Terri". Liberty: Degrassi's own Paige and Terri! Paige and Terri come on stage just as the beat starts. Paige and Terri: (singing) (They move around and dance as they sing) Oh just tell me who I can be, all that you ask of me. And still feel that I am free, free to be who I am. Oh, just tell me how I can be, all that you ask of me. And still feel that I am free, free to be who I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (It also shows Ashley watching) (After the song is over and people are clapping, Paige and Terri hug then we see Ashley watching again and Terri sees her) Hall Manny and Toby are walking. Manny: That wasn't so bad was it? Toby: No, but my panther dancing days are over. Manny: Unless a certain someone asks you again, right? Emma shows up. Emma: Toby, you were great out there. Thank you so much. Toby: Yeah, so, do you want to go and maybe... Emma: (Sees Sean) I'll be right back, ok? Sean. I don't know what to say. Sean: You don't have to say anything. Emma: The way you just stood up like that, told everyone off, it was so brave. (Kisses him on the cheek) The camera moves to Toby watching and he looks very sad. Washroom Paige and Terri are in there fixing their hair. Paige: Ok, we were awesome. Terri: I could totally do this for a living. Ashley approaches them. Paige: So? Ashley: (Smiles) You guys were great! Terri: Really? Ashley: I admit it, your version totally rocked and the audience loved it. Terri: I think you should join with the group again. Ashley: Ok. But first things first what about a name? Paige: Well there's always Paige Michalchuk and the s*x Kittens. Ashley: No. Paige: Hello, let me finish. I'm talking about the initials, PMS. Terri: PMS? Paige: What? It's edgy, it's cool. Ashley: And gross. Why don't we stick with 3 Girls and a Keyboard? Paige: No way. Terri: Ter, it's one to one. Your vote breaks the tie. Paige: You should consult the oracle. Terri: (Taking the cards & throwing them out) The oracle and I are no longer on speaking terms. But I sorta like PMS. Ashley: Fine. Paige: (Putting her arms around Ashley and Terri and kid of hugging them) Then we are PMS.	Plan: A: a song; Q: What does Ashley write that she plans to perform with Terri? A: the Degrassi Lunchtime Cabaret; Q: Where does Ashley plan to perform with Terri? A: Paige; Q: Who takes control of the song? A: tarot card readings; Q: What is Terri's recent project? A: Paige's ideas; Q: What does Terri try to convince Ashley to go with? A: Emma; Q: Who performs a dance to advocate against poaching? A: a interpretive dance; Q: What does Emma perform to advocate anti-poaching? A: Toby; Q: Who steps up to help Emma when Sean refuses to join? Summary: Ashley writes a song she plans to perform with Terri at the Degrassi Lunchtime Cabaret, but when Terri adds Paige, she grows annoyed when Paige takes control. Terri attempts to use her recent project on tarot card readings to convince Ashley to go with Paige's ideas, but Ashley refuses, upsetting Terri and Paige. Meanwhile, Emma performs a interpretive dance to advocate anti-poaching , and when Sean refuses to join, Toby steps up.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM - NIGHT] Lyric: ["Like Her", Album: Solace, by Mandalay] I read you / god, I'm good at it / I'm so spot on / cold shapes of air / compress that dissonance / if you dare / and you breathe it in (Under the bleachers, a YOUNG MAN and a YOUNG WOMAN kiss each other. She pulls away from him.) Young Woman: Stop. Young Man: (groans) Oh, come on! We've gone way further than that. (He looks at her expectantly and smiles. She smiles, grabs his hand and leads him away from under the bleachers.) Lyric: And I'm high enough from all the waiting / to ride away when you're inhaling / and I'm high enough from all the waiting / to ride away when you're inhaling / 'cause I love you (They run hand-in-hand across the field toward the opposite end of the stadium.) (Cut to: They run up the bleachers and toward the announcers box.) (cc) YOUNG WOMAN: Linda said you can see the strip from here. (cc) YOUNG MAN: Yeah, you can. I mean, that's what I heard, too. (cc) YOUNG MAN: Come on! [INT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM - ANNOUNCER BOOTH -- NIGHT (The door opens. They laugh at each other. He looks inside and gasps. She looks inside and screams.) (On the floor is the body of a WOMAN. There's blood on the ground and another drop of blood drips from her head to the ground.) FLASH TO WHITE: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM - ANNOUNCER BOOTH -- NIGHT] (Out on the track below, cop cars are parked. Inside the booth, GRISSOM, BRASS, NICK and DAVID go over the scene. NICK puts his kit down. DAVID is already going over the body. GRISSOM stands next to BRASS and takes in the scene.) Brass: The vic's wallet was still in her purse. One credit card, couple of 20s. Nebraska ID. Her name was Alison Carpenter, age 28. Nick: A little old for a student. Brass: School district has been contacted. They're checking their records. (GRISSOM looks around. DAVID looks at her pupils.) David Phillips: Petechial hemorrhaging indicates strangulation. Grissom: She definitely died here. David Phillips: Yeah, lividity bears that out. She wasn't moved. (BRASS turns and indicates the door behind them.) Brass: The padlock's been cut. It was rusted over, definitely not recent. (NICK checks out the countertop.) Nick: Beer bottles. Brass: Well, it's high school. (NICK picks up a used condom.) Nick: Lover's lane. (GRISSOM checks out the body and notices her hands.) Grissom: Defensive wounds on her hands. Brass: Sexual assault? (GRISSOM kneels down and lifts up her dress.) Grissom: She's not wearing any underwear. (GRISSOM goes back to checking the body and scene out. NICK turns to check out the countertops. GRISSOM spots something on the victim's leg. It appears to be a cut. He looks around and moves the door slightly where he sees the matching blood on the bottom of the door.) (Quick flashback to: The door is pushed open and hits the victim on her leg leaving the mark. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM turns around and looks back at the body.) Grissom: David, I thought you said she wasn't moved. David Phillips: Paramedics say they didn't touch her. Brass: Kids who found her swore they didn't touch her either. (GRISSOM looks at the victim's face, the urgency building in his voice as he realizes something.) Grissom: There's still sweat on her upper lip. (to DAVID) Take a liver temperature. David Phillips: Let me just finish this ... Grissom: (firmly) Now, David. (DAVID gets the digital thermometer out and gets the body's temperature.) David Phillips: Ninety-eight point one. Nick: She's been dead less than an hour. Grissom: The killer's still on her. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM] (NICK rushes by the officer cars. He's carrying a heavy duffle bag.) (Cut to: NICK runs up the bleachers.) [INT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM - ANNOUNCER'S BOX - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (NICK turns the corner and sets the bag down next to the body. GRISSOM immediately opens the bag and they all work together to put the chamber together to build an area around the body in which to print her.) Nick: Latent prints on skin, oil on oils, we're cutting it pretty close here. Grissom: Yes, we are. (The frame is built.) (The plastic is put over the frame and is taped down to the ground.) (NICK places the cyanoacrylate fumer inside with the body. He backs away and closes the plastic around the chamber. The men stand around the frame built around the body. They each wear a mask over their faces.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STADIUM - ANNOUNCER'S BOX - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (DAVID carries the duffle bag and leaves the room. GRISSOM and NICK check the body out.) (GRISSOM moves the head.) Grissom: Nothing usable around the neck. (NICK checks out her legs. He finds something.) Nick: I think I've got a partial on the ankle. (GRISSOM checks it.) Grissom: Very few sweat glands around the ankle. Prints survive longer. (Quick flashback to: The door is pushed back and hits the woman on her leg. The killer reaches down and grabs her ankle to move the leg. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM looks at the victim's face again.) Grissom: Fortunately for us. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY TO LAB -- NIGHT] (WARRICK and CATHERINE walk down the hallway. WARRICK carries a file; CATHERINE holds a bagged container of green liquid.) Warrick: There's nobody in the evidence vault. I guess we're still between shifts. Catherine: Yeah, well, we'll log it in tomorrow. Warrick: You know, O'Riley interviewed the victim's wife. Catherine: Yeah? Warrick: She said her husband was in the garage drinking and just "done fell over." (They walk into the print lab. CATHERINE opens the fumer and puts the bagged container of green liquid inside next to the burn plate. She closes the fume hood.) Catherine: Oh, the ever-popular DFO. (They leave the lab and walk down the hallway.) Catherine: Right up there with the "mysterious dude" defense. Warrick: Right. You thinking poison? Catherine: I wouldn't be surprised. Wife had two priors for spousal abuse. Seems pretty straight up to me. Warrick: Well, that would be nice -- an easy case. Catherine: Yeah. Warrick: These double-ups are killing me. (They reach the front desk where CATHERINE signs the log book on the counter.) Catherine: Although I'll take it when I can get it. These nannies do not work cheap. (WARRICK hands the clerk the file in his hand.) Warrick: Yeah, how is Lindsey, by the way? (They head down the hallway.) Catherine: She got caught fighting at school. Warrick: Lindsey? Fighting? Catherine: Ah, she lost her dad recently. She's just having a hard time. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - LOT -- DAY] (SARA and NICK go over the parked car next to the bleachers.) Sara: Company said the vic checked the car out three days ago. The contract was for a week. Nick: It's a generic econo-box. Might as well just paint a bull's-eye on it. You got the front? Sara: Yeah. (NICK looks at the back seat.) Nick: I've got a ripped-up pair of panties. Possibly the vic's. Bag that for me, will you? (He hands SARA the panties and picks up the ALS.) Nick: Whoa. sx in the backseat. (SARA finds something.) Sara: Blister pack. (She finds something on the car floor.) Nick: What have you got? Sara: Ceramics, maybe? Nick: Hey, who's working trace tonight? Sara: Hodges. Nick: Oh, great. Guarantee you that kiss-ass will have the results to Grissom before we do. Sara: So I'm thinking the vic was car-jacked, dragged to a secluded location ... (Quick flashback to: A woman screams and is pulled into the back seat of the car. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: ... raped, murdered, body dumped. What do you think? Nick: Killer had her in the car. Easy getaway. But still, why take her all the way up the bleachers, to risk getting caught in a room with only one way out? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (ROBBINS goes over ALISON ) Robbins: Cause of death was asphyxiation due to strangulation. Multiple round oval bruises over the interior and lateral neck with occasional crescentic red abrasions. Grissom: Fingertip bruises and fingernail scratches. Robbins: Apparently. Grissom: No ligature marks. Robbins: None that I could find, but take a look at this. (points to her neck) The, uh, bruises are concentrated on the left side of the neck. On the right side, there's only one. (GRISSOM puts his hand over the neck marks.) Grissom: Killer strangled her with his right hand. One hand only. Robbins: Yeah, prolonged pressure on the jugular. (Quick flashback to: ALISON CARPENTER is being held up against the wall by the killer's right hand around her neck. She struggles. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: He must have been looking right in her eyes. Robbins: Yeah, that takes hate. I'll get a measurement of the, uh, grip size. Grissom: What about the SART kit? Robbins: It's on Graves' desk, but he's pretty backed up, more than usual. Grissom: Bruises on her hands, her arms, upper torso -- it's consistent with rape. Robbins: Maybe not. I did a vaginal clock on her. Signs of activity at 11:00, 12:00, and 1:00, and that would imply rough sx, not rape. Grissom: May have started as sx, but it ended as murder. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. MOTEL ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS and NICK check out ALISON CARPENTER'S motel room.) Brass: Alison Carpenter was a waitress at a coffee shop outside Omaha. The boss said that she asked for this week off over a month ago. And, uh, no immediate family. Nick: Single woman on vacation in Vegas ... alone? Brass: Yeah, weird. We're looking into it. Nick: Who takes a tape recorder with them on vacation? Brass: Well, I keep one by the bed. In case I dream anything useful. (NICK looks at BRASS.) Nick: Hmm? Brass: What? I can't have deep thoughts? (BRASS laughs.) Brass: Just kidding. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (DAVID HODGES catches up with GRISSOM in the hallway. GRISSOM is reading through a file.) David Hodges: Hey, boss. Just analyzed the evidence found in your vic's rent-a-car. Grissom: You should be telling Nick or Sara. David Hodges: (brushes it aside) Yeah, couldn't find them. They must be on another break. Anyway, the blister pack is methadone. 40 milligrams, former smack addict dose. (beat) And that ceramic chip? Not ceramic. It's acrylic with a quartz resin composite used primarily in dental crowns. Cheap ones. Grissom: Good work. David Hodges: Yeah, thank you. Listen, I'd like to think that and I ... Grissom: Now go tell Nick or Sara. (GRISSOM continues down the hallway leaving DAVID HODGES behind. He sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - DAY] (JACQUI FRANCO goes over the partial print with GRISSOM.) Jacqui Franco: Problem is AGIS doesn't play real nice with partials. So here's what I'm going to do. I'll pick eight or nine distinctive features, run those through the system, and examine anything with a 60% or better match. Grissom: You could end up with over 100 hits. Jacqui Franco: You trying to discourage me? It's all about interpretation. Knowing what's commonplace, and what's unique. (JACQUI continues to work. The computer beeps. The monitor reads: No Match 4,742 Possible Matches Found (JACQUI lines a portion of the print. And continues the search. The computer beeps. The monitor reads: No Match 501 Possible Matches Found (She continues to work on the print and continues the search. The monitor reads: No Match 9 Possible Matches Found Jacqui Franco: That's where skill comes in. Grissom: You still have to check each one by hand. Jacqui Franco: You're going to have to sign my time sheet. (JACQUI and GRISSOM look at each other.) (GREG rushes into the lab excited at what he's found.) Greg: Grissom! I'm about to rock your world. The semen inside your victim -- I got a DNA match through CODIS. It's Jason Kent. Ring a bell? 1987, they called him "The Circle Killer." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. APARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM walk down the hallway toward JASON KENT'S apartment. They're accompanied by other officers.) Brass: Guy's only been out of jail six weeks. (BRASS knocks on the door. JASON KENT opens it.) Brass: Las Vegas police. This a bad time? (BRASS walks into the apartment.) [INT. JASON KENT'S APARTMENT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Brass: You know, I know a couple of guys who worked your case. Viking circle? Remember that girl you suffocated while you were raping her? What was she, a cheerleader, homecoming queen, or both? Jason Kent: She was a friend. Brass: Oh, I didn't expect that. I expected you to say, uh, "No, I'm innocent" or "No, it was an accident." Jason Kent: I served my time. Brass: That's right. You did the whole bit. The whole fifteen years. You're a hard-core ex-con. This must really piss you off. Jason Kent: You know what? I know the conditions of my release. So you can check whatever you'd like. You want to tell me what this is about? Brass: You're under arrest for the murder of Alison Carpenter. Last night, your old high school, go monarchs. Jason Kent: I'm not talking to you without a lawyer. Grissom: Looks like you bit your lip. May I see your hands, please? (JASON KENT holds out his hands. GRISSOM looks at them.) Recently clipped your nails, huh? Brass: And you're such a smart guy, bet you flushed them down the toilet. (GRISSOM checks out JASON KENT'S bathroom. He picks up the nail clippers. Camera zooms in to note that there's some skin still attached to the clippers.) (GRISSOM looks pleased with the find.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- BREAKROOM] (SARA sits at the table and takes her sandwich out of the bag. She takes a bite and looks up. In the hallway, GRISSOM walks with his nose in a file. He stops to sign some papers then continues on.) (SARA sees this. She gets up from her seat and follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY-LAB-HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM stops in the DNA lab where GREG is working.) Grissom: How'd you do with the nail clippers? Greg: Right over here. Figured it wasn't high priority since I'd already ID'd the semen in the victim. Grissom: That only proves that they had sx. The nail clippers can place Jason Kent at the murder scene. His nails, her DNA, traces of the booth, et cetera. Greg: Killer, victim, location. Grissom: Holy trinity, Greg. I need that. (GRISSOM finishes with GREG and leaves the office.) (SARA follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY-A/V LAB-HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM stops in front of the A/V lab. He steps inside.) Grissom: So? Archie: Just getting started. I'll keep you posted. (GRISSOM steps out of the A/V lab into the hallway. He marks the clipboard in his hand and continues to walk down the hallway.) (SARA takes a deep breath and follows him with an intent to catch up to him.) (GRISSOM'S just a few steps in front of her. A Secretary catches up with him.) Secretary: Mr. Grissom, I have your phone messages. Grissom: Thank you. (GRISSOM heads down the hallway and into his office. A MAN walks into the office after him.) Man: Grissom, do you have a second? (SARA stops. She smiles at the ill-timing of it all, then instead of going to GRISSOM, she heads down the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CHEM/DNA LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (GREG steps away from the fumer.) (It explodes.) (The force of the explosion sends GREG crashing through the glass wall behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [HALLWAY] (As SARA walks down the hallway, she is thrown off her feet by the explosion. GREG falls to the ground near her. There is glass everywhere. The lab is on fire and the fire system kicks on.) (Stunned, SARA raises her head and looks in front of her at GREG who is still conscious. He raises his head a little, then finally puts his head down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] SLOW MOTION CAMERA (GREG is wheeled out on a gurney. He is conscious and lying on his side, the sounds around him garbled.) RESUME MOTION (GRISSOM walks next to the gurney as the EMT fills him in on GREG'S condition. EMT Technician: Vitals are stable. We've got full thickness burns on the neck and back. (GREG'S eyes open again and he looks around at the damage to his lab as they wheel him out.) (GRISSOM looks at GREG.) (They exit the building.) [EXT. CSI - PARKING LOT - DAY -C ONTINUOUS] (Outside, injured people are being attended to. JACQUI FRANCO turns around, her forehead cut. She's disoriented, but she sees the gurney come out of the building.) Voice: (o.s.) Burn unit. Let's move. (The EMTs wheel GREG out of the building. GRISSOM follows.) (ARCHIE, JACQUI and HODGES also follow.) (They put GREG into the EMT vehicle [#876] and close the doors.) Paramedic: All right. Let's move. (GRISSOM watches for a moment, then steps away. He looks around at the people and the damage, then spots SARA sitting on the ground, alone.) (Concerned, GRISSOM heads for her and kneels down in front of her.) Grissom: (quietly) Are you okay? (It takes her a moment, but SARA turns and looks at GRISSOM. She has a gash on her forehead and another across her cheek. She's also holding her left hand gingerly in her lap.) Sara: (dazed) Uh-huh. (GRISSOM looks down at her hand. He picks her hand up and sees the large bloodied gash on her palm.) Grissom: Honey, this doesn't look good. Sara: (shakes her head) It's fine. (SARA looks at GRISSOM.) Sara: Cleanup's going to be something. We should get started. (GRISSOM looks down at her hand.) Grissom: You need to get stitches. (SARA shakes her head again.) Sara: I'm okay. (She moves to stand up.) Grissom: (shouts) Would you take care of her hand, please? (GRISSOM grasps both her hands and helps SARA up. The PARAMEDIC walks over and escorts SARA away.) (DIRECTOR ROBERT COVALLO walks toward GRISSOM. He's on the phone.) Director Robert Covallo: (to phone) Yes, sir, I just got here. Several injuries, one serious. Fire department arson explosives are assessing the damage right now. (He hangs up and looks at the building. To GRISSOM) Director Robert Covallo: What'd you do to my lab, Grissom? (He walks away. GRISSOM follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and DIRECTOR ROBERT COVALLO walk through the damaged lab.) Director Robert Covallo: I'm going to need a complete evidence inventory by case. What's been lost, what's contaminated, what's salvageable. Grissom: We have lims backup for every computer on the network. I'm sure we've only lost an hour or two of data. Director Robert Covallo: Well, we'll never sell that in court. Defense attorneys will rip us apart. That, uh, double murder movie star case last year, compromised evidence, lax procedures, mistakes. Grissom: We got a conviction on that. Director Robert Covallo: You got lucky. This is a priority. I want to know how this happened. Grissom: And who's to blame? I'm going to have Catherine run the investigation. I'm on a murder case. Director Robert Covallo: I'll be waiting for her report. (He turns and walks away leaving GRISSOM behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS is interviewing JASON KENT with his lawyer sitting next to him.) Brass: So what was your relationship again with Alison Carpenter? Attorney: (sighs) Once again, my client asserts his fifth amendment rights and declines to answer. Brass: Why bother? His semen was found inside the victim. Attorney: A finding from a crime unit that blows up its own DNA lab? You really think that's going to carry a lot of weight? Brass: (over speakers): I understand you're in a methadone program. Attorney: So what? My client's a recovering addict. He got hooked in prison. The war on drugs works about as well on the inside as it does on the street. Brass: Well, methadone puts him in the victim's car. Attorney: There are thousands of methadone users out there. Brass: With chipped dental crowns? We're going to need an orthodontic sample. Attorney: This is harassment. We're done cooperating here. (JASON KENT reaches into his mouth and pulls out his teeth. He tosses them onto the table.) Jason Kent: My third week in prison. Break the new guy's teeth, he can't bite down on something that's shoved in his mouth. (BRASS picks up the teeth and looks at it. He notices the chip.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY] (ARCHIE and NICK go over the ALISON CARPENTER'S micro tape cassettes. In the background, officers put tape around the destroyed DNA lab.) Archie: All right. This is the third audio tape that we found from the bunch in her motel room. She recorded about nine hours in total. Started like this. (ARCHIE starts the tape recording for MAY 5, 2003 5:50 PM.) Alison Carpenter: (from tape) It's almost 6:00. I'm almost ready. (Quick flashback to: ALISON CARPENTER talks into her tape recorder while standing in front of the mirror.) Alison Carpenter: I know there's nothing to be nervous about, but I am. He's suffered so much. I'm going to help him remember who he really is. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: So, she knew Jason Kent. He wasn't just some random pickup. Archie: At first I thought maybe she was working on a book or something. Then I hit this. Day two. (ARCHIE turns on the next recording.) Alison Carpenter: (from tape) You threw four touchdowns that game, didn't you? (Quick flashback to: ALISON CARPENTER and JASON KENT are both on the high school football field.) Jason Kent: And ran for one from right here. Everybody was thinking pass ... I ran it right up the middle for six. Alison Carpenter: Sounds amazing. I wish I could have been there with you. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Archie: Is it just me or does it sound like she's in love with this guy? Nick: Maybe she was a murder groupie. (ARCHIE looks disbelieving at NICK.) Nick: Hey, Manson, the night stalker -- all those guys had them. I think for some freaks, killing's a turn-on, you know? Archie: Well, check this out. Day before the murder. Last thing on her tapes. Alison Carpenter: Well, this is an apartment and it is the right address, so I guess I'm just waiting here. (Quick flashback to: ALISON CARPENTER sits in her car. JASON KENT opens the door and gets into the front seat next to her.) Jason Kent: Let's go. Let's go. Start the car. Alison Carpenter: (concerned) Jason, what happened? (JASON KENT spits and a tooth falls out onto the floor.) Jason Kent: I don't want to talk about it. Alison Carpenter: This about Jesus Carden ... Jason Kent: Jesus Cardenas is a scumbag convict, and we're not talking about him. Alison Carpenter: Okay, I'm sorry. Jason Kent: Shut that thing off. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Run Jesus through NCIC. Cardenas. (ARCHIE types it in. The computer searches and finds the following results: ENTER SEARCH ON: JESUS CARDENAS {PHOTO} << SEARCH COMPLETE >> NAME: JESUS CARDENAS ID NUMBER: 004575 CONVICTIONS: HEROIN W/ POSSESSION HEROIN W/SALE MANSLAUGHTER CURRENTLY SERVING TWENTY-FIVE YEARSA AT THE WESTERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY. Archie: Jesus Cardenas. Heroin, possession for sale and manslaughter. Currently serving 25 at the Western Nevada Correctional Facility. Nick: The former residence of Jason Kent. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - GREG'S ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE and WARRICK interview GREG who is conscious and lying on his side on the bed.) Greg: Look, I'm pretty tired. Catherine: This won't take long, Greg. We promise. Warrick: Why don't you tell us exactly what happened. As best as you can remember. Greg: I was working three cases. Mixing solvents. Catherine: Did you notice anything prior to the explosion? A power surge, a spark, a smell? Greg: Plastic. Burning plastic. (Quick flashback to: In the lab, GREG is standing in the lab next to the fumer.) Greg: (V.O.) I turned around to see where it was coming from. (He turns around and it explodes. Cut to: In the hallway, SARA hits the wall. GREG is thrown through the glass wall. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: After that ... I'm sorry. Warrick: It's okay. Greg: We done? Catherine: Yeah, we're done. Feel better, all right? Warrick: Get some rest. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (The fax machine prints out something. NICK picks it up and looks at it. It reads: ... WESTERN NEVADA CORR FAC PAGE 3 OF 32 WESTERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY INMATE APPROVED VISITOR LIST C BLOCK Inmate: KENT, JASON NV0086134 Visitor: NUMBER TIME: IN -RETT, JULIA / NV00867876 / 14:0- -GAN, DIANNE / NV00803334 / 13:- -ILLMAN, DANNY / NV00863112 / 12:- -ORPE, TONY / NV00864457 / (The next fax page reads: ... WESTERN NEVADA CORR FAC PAGE 17 OR 32 WESTERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY INMATE APPROVED VISITOR LIST C BLOCK Inmate: CARDENAS, JESUS NV0080134 Visitor: NUMBER TIME:IN EVERETT, LOU / NV00862876 / -- / NV00863334 / -- -- / NV00863112 / -- -- / NV00864457 / -- (NICK looks at the faxes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. OFFICE -- DAY] (NICK sits at his desk and goes over both faxes. The information on the page reads: ... NEVADA CORR FAC PAGE 4 OF 32 {LOGO} WESTERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY INMATE APPROVED VISITOR LIST C BLOCK Inmate: KENT, JASON NV0086134 VISITOR / NUMBER / TIME -/2002 VALDEZ, MAX / NV00819877 / 12:-- -/2002 KENDALL, BRAD / NV00869822 / -- -/2002 GREEN, FAYE / NV00861198 / -- -/2002 THORPE, TONY / NV00864457 / -- -/2002 HILLMAN, DANNY / NV00863112 / -- -/2002 RIGGS, JENNIFER / NV00869022 / -- -/2002 LOGAN, DIANNE / NV00863334 / -- -/2002 RAMIREZ, KENNY / NV0086-- -/2002 MARITA, KIM / NV008-- -/2002 PINE, DARREN / NV00861168 / -- -/2002 RITTEN, CURT / NV008-- -/2002 NELSON, AMELIA / NV008-- -0/2002 NEELY, ALICE / NV008-- -1/2002 DOYLE, MARK / NV008-- -/12/2002 RIGGS, JENNIFER / NV008-- -/12/2002 MARLOW, MELISSA / NV008-- -/12/2002 RITTLE, MINA / NV008-- -/13/2002 BRADLEY, VERONICA / NV008-- -/14/2002 DUFFY, CINDY / NV008-- -/15/2002 CARPENTER, ALISON / NV008-- (highlighted in yellow) -/15/2002 HALL, JESSICA / NV008-- -/15/2002 GREEN, FAYE / NV008-- -/15/2002 ANDERSON, GWEN / NV008-- -/19/2002 CULPEPER, RICK / NV008-- -/19/2002 BARRETT, JULIA / NV008-- -/19/2002 RICHARDS, JAKE / NV008-- -/20/2002 CARPENTER, ALISON / NV008-- (highlighted in yellow) -/20/2002 HARRIS, RENDA / NV008-- -/20/2002 RIGGS, JENNIFER KENDALL, BRAD (NICK picks up the second fax.) ... NEVADA CORR FAC PAGE 18 OF 32 WESTERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY INMATE APPROVED VISITOR LIST C BLOCK Inmate: CARDENAS, JESUS NV0080136 / BUCKLY, DYLAN / NV00819877 / DELGADO, HECTOR / NV00869822 / RUNDLE, CHIP / NV00861198 / MARTIN, BOB / NV00864457 / LEWIS, BRAD / NV00863112 / KANE, PHILLIP / NV00869022 / WESTON, BEN / NV0086863334 / FRAM, DENNIS / NV00869917 / MATTHEWS, CHAD / NV0086-- / RITTEN, CURT / NV0086-- / MURDLE, JOE / NV0086-- -/9/2002 LINDLOFF, ALEX / -- -/10/2002 DUDEK, HANK / -- -/11/2002 HALE, DUSTIN / -- -/12/2002 TEMPLETON, ELIAS / -- -/12/2002 MCFADDEN, HENRY / -- -/12/2002 CANNON, JAMES / -- -/13/2002 OVERTON, JESSE / -- -/13/2002 TADERO, JIMMY / -/14/2002 CARPENTER, ALISON (highlighted) - /2002 TYNER, JOE - /2002 VALENTI, ROGER - /2002 HYDE, RYAN - /2002 HAYNES, PATRICK - /2002 EVERETT, LOU - /2002 RYCOFF, PAYNE (NICK takes a yellow highlighter pen and highlights ALISON CARPENTER'S name on the list.) 4/10/2002 NEELY, ALICE 4/11/2002 DOYLE, MARK 4/12/2002 RIGGS, JENNIFER 4/12/2002 MARLOW, MELISSA 4/12/2002 RITTLE, MINA 4/13/2002 BRADLEY, VERONICA 4/13/2002 DUFFY, CINDY 4/14/2002 CARPENTER, ALISON (highlighted in yellow) 4/15/2002 HALL, JESSICA 4/15/2002 GREEN, FAYE 4/15/2002 ANDERSON, GWEN 4/19/2002 CULPEPER, RICK 4/19/2002 BARRETT, JULIA 4/19/2002 RICHARDS, JAKE 4/19/2002 CARPENTER, ALISON HARRIS, RENDA (NICK leans back in his chair, a grim look on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - LATE DAY TO EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK reports back to GRISSOM.) Nick: Jesus Cardenas and Jason Kent were two prisoners with the same taste in visitors. Grissom: Alison Carpenter. Nick: (nods) Yeah, she visited Jason 13 times in the last 18 months. And the last two times, she also visited Jesus. Grissom: A murderer, his groupie and a heroin dealer, what a team. Nick: Mmm. Grissom: Does Western Nevada correctional use surveillance cameras in their visitation room? Nick: Yeah, and it's all cued up. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- EVENING] (On screen, the surveillance camera from the Western Nevada Correctional Facility is running from 00:17:49:26 on.) Archie: It's pretty casual for prison. Grissom: It's medium security. Nick: Nicer criminals. Archie: Right. Anyway, every time we visit it pretty much went the same way. She sits down with Jason Kent, they talk for a little while, and Kent goes back to his cell. Then the last two visits, she stayed behind. (ARCHIE enhances the video of the man sitting at the table.) Nick: Jesus Cardenas. Archie: They're offscreen here for about five minutes. (On screen, ALISON CARPENTER stands up, JESUS CARDENAS follows. They go behind the back wall.) Archie: Then they come back to the table and she leaves. Grissom: Run that again. Can you enhance that? Archie: Yeah, I think so. (ARCHIE enhances the video and they see what's really happening behind the wall.) Nick: (laughs) Jason's little girlfriend was screwing a guy he hates. Grissom: Well, if you can't kill the one you want ... kill the one you're with. HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CHEM/DNA LAB] (WARRICK and CATHERINE stand in the middle of the lab.) Catherine: What a mess. Warrick: Want to strip it? Catherine: I'm thinking spiral with an overlap. Catherine: I'll head this way. Warrick: All right. (CATHERINE puts her things down. She and Warrick start to process the scene. WARRICK puts an evidence marker #6 down next to a piece of green glass.) (CATHERINE looks at the damage done to the contents on the countertop.) (Dissolve to: Cameras flash. Evidence markers are placed down. WARRICK puts down evidence marker #54 on the floor.) (CATHERINE puts down evidence marker #3 on the counter. She snaps a picture.) (She picks up a burned evidence baggie containing the nail clippers. The label reads: ARTICLE: NAIL CLIPPERS DATE {THIS PORTION IS BURNED} WHERE THIS ARTICLE WAS FOUND: JASON KENT ... INVESTIGATION OFFICER: G.G. (She puts the baggie down.) (Dissolve to: CATHERINE puts her clipboard down on the table. Camera cuts to Evidence marker #4 on the counter.) (WARRICK and CATHERINE continue to process the lab.) Catherine: Damage radiates from here. Warrick: Well ... there's no crater. Catherine: Yeah, so it's not a high explosive. Warrick: I guess we're looking for a combustible liquid? Catherine: Yeah. That narrows things down. (CATHERINE picks up the burner off of the ground. She looks at the switch and sees that it was pointed on.) Catherine: Somebody left the hot plate on inside of the fume hood. (beat) Genius. (WARRICK finds something.) Warrick: What do you think? Developer pan? Catherine: Presence of acetone, methanol, all kinds of combustibles. Warrick: Mix that with a heat source, and what have you got? Catherine: (indicates the lab) This. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM] (SARA stands in front of her open locker. She reaches and picks up her ID. She brushes she dust and dirt away from the front and stares at it.) (NICK walks by the open door and looks inside. He sees SARA and backs up.) Nick: (calls inside) Hey. You back on? Sara: Yeah. I hear you're going to prison. Nick: Hmm. (NICK leaves.) Nick: (o.s.) I'll meet you outside. (SARA closes the locker door and follows NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] SLOW MOTION CAMERA (SARA walks down the same hallway. As she passes the wall, she imagines (and we see through superimposed CGI) she hears the explosion and sees the glass shatter around her. She flinches, but continues to walk down the hallway.) RESUME MOTION [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY - VISITOR ROOM -- DAY] (NICK and SARA interview JESUS CARDENAS.) Nick: What can you tell us about Alison Carpenter? Jesus Cardenas: Knew her real well, but I guess you already know that. (He glances up at the security camera in the corner.) Jesus Cardenas: How did you like the show? Sara: Alison Carpenter is dead. Jesus Cardenas: I got an alibi. Sara: Yeah, you're completely innocent, and so, tell me, why would a woman like Alison Carpenter, who was obsessed with Jason Kent, have anything to do with you? Nick: You remember Jason. Two cells down. Hates your guts. Jesus Cardenas: A lot of anger in that boy. Not much sense. Doesn't understand how things work. Nick: In here or out there? Jesus Cardenas: Either way. It doesn't matter. This is still the U.S. Of A., my man. It's capitalism. Every one us a buyer or seller. Sara: Which one was Alison? Jesus Cardenas: Exchange of goods for services. I gave Jason credit, he walks out of here in debt. Thinks because he's on the outside, he don't have to pay. Man who doesn't pay his debt undermines the whole system. Sara: What did he owe you for? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (NICK and SARA fill GRISSOM in as they walk through the hallway.) Nick: We pulled Jason Kent's disciplinary file. He spent some time in solitary. His co caught him with heroin on two separate occasions. Once in, uh, '97 and again in '99. Grissom: Did our lab examine the physical evidence? Sara: Yeah, we pulled those records, too. The analysis had yielded a black tar heroin (Quick flashback to: Standing near the wire fence, JASON KENT inhales a smoke.) Sara: (V.O.) ... with trace amounts of blue and red linen fibers. (Quick CGI to: Inside the joint, the black tar heroin burns red and is swept inside through the filter. End of CGI.) (JASON KENT exhales. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Linen? In a prison? Sara: You know, they got him on the heroin once. They didn't follow up with the trace. Grissom: So how did Jason Kent get the heroin? Nick: Uh ... you-you know how these guys are. All they do 24/7 is figure out how to beat the system. We figure the drugs probably came from Jesus. (GRISSOM reaches the reception area and someone passes him a stack of papers.) Grissom: So what are we saying? Jesus sells Jason Kent heroin. Kent falls into debt, and pays him off with Alison Carpenter? (Quick flashback to: Inside the Correctional Facility's Interview Room, JASON KENT meets with ALISON CARPENTER.) Alison Carpenter: I'll-I'll get the money somehow. I'll work another shift, and we'll ... pay him later. Jason Kent: I owe him. And one way or another, he's going to collect. Alison Carpenter: I'll do whatever I have to do. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Yeah, they passed her around like a party favor. Sara: Actually ... she passed around herself. (GRISSOM turns around with the papers and walks away leaving NICK and SARA at the counter.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (WARRICK and CATHERINE interview DAVID HODGES as he works.) Catherine: We understand that you handled a meth lab yesterday. David Hodges: Contaminated filter papers. So what? Warrick: So, you had to do a solvent extraction? What did you use? David Hodges: Chloroform, methanol and acetone. I cleaned the pan. (HODGES looks up at them.) Warrick: Same way you turned off that hot plate? David Hodges: If it was on, it wasn't my fault. That thing gets turned on by accident all the time. (Quick flashback to: DAVID HODGES in the lab. Camera close up of the burner turned on to the #5 setting and burning red. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Mysterious dude defense. Catherine: Well, our report is going to reflect the fact that an active heat source was under the fume hood. (Quick flashback to: DAVID HODGES finishes up his experiment. He closes the fume hood. Camera close up of the hot plate still on. End of flashback. Resume to present.) David Hodges: I know what this is. You guys hear the lies and rumors about me from L.A. You know how much Grissom depends on me. So you figure, let's get rid of him. I'll lawyer up before I let you pin the tail on the new donkey. Warrick: Start dialing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (JACQUI FRANCO goes over with GRISSOM the comparison of the partial with JASON KENT'S prints.) Jacqui Franco: Partial from your vic's ankle on the left. Jason Kent on the right. Grissom: One point of commonality? Jacqui Franco: That's it. Grissom: So it's not his print? Jacqui Franco: Couldn't be. 'Cause it belongs to another guy. Ten points of commonality. I think I could get a couple of more, not that we need it. (JACQUI FRANCO hits the keyboard and shows the ID of the print match. It reads: Match Found: Miguel Durado Case ID: (4845-2097) {photo} MIGUEL DURADO A.D.A. "Mickey D" Las Vegas, Nevada CRIMINAL RECORD: 10-23-01 Petty Theft 11-29-02 Vandalism 01-05-03 Possession of Heroin (trial ** - not guilty) GANG AFFILIATIONS: A Las Culebras Grissom: Miguel Durado. Mickey D. Las Culebras. (Quick flashback to: JESUS CARDENAS. Camera close up of a snake tattoo on the side of his neck. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Jacqui Franco: What's the connection? Grissom: Jesus Cardenas is in the same game. Mickey D. Could be the guy who's getting the heroin into the prison. Jacqui Franco: How did his prints turn up at the scene? Grissom: I'm not sure how, but I may see a potential why. (Quick flashback to: In the announcer's box, JASON KENT and ALISON CARPENTER are making out. JASON takes his shirt off. The door opens and MICKEY D walks inside interrupting them.) Grissom: (V.O.) Could be Mickey D. is collecting Jason Kent's debt. (JASON KENT turns around. MICKEY D. punches JASON KENT and sends him down. MICKEY D. grabs ALISON CARPENTER. She struggles He kills her.) Mickey Durado: One way or another, you got to pay what you owe. Suze can't wait to see you again. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Jason Kent was suitable for framing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM] (CATHERINE is inside the room putting all the pieces together. She has a schematic of the CHEM/DNA LAB in front of her. It's littered with blue dots where the evidence from HODGES was found.) (She picks up a baggie with the label that reads: DATE: 5-7-03 ... OFFICER: CW EVIDENCE DESCRIPTION: DEVELOPER PAN LOCATION: CSI - FINGERPRINT LAB (She adds a final blue dot to the map, then removes the plastic covering with blue dots on it.) (She picks up another baggie with the following label: ARTICLE: GREEN GLASS SHARD DATE/TIME COLLECTED: 5-7-03 WHERE ARTICLE FOUND: DNA ... OFFICER: CW (She looks around at the plastic covering with green dots on it. She picks up another baggie containing another piece of green glass. She looks down at the pattern of green dots on the plastic covering. There is a definite pattern to it.) (CATHERINE realizes what happened and who caused it.) (WARRICK walks into the room.) Warrick: Hey. Catherine: Hey. (WARRICK looks around at her progress.) Warrick: Oh, you work fast. Which color charts Hodges' developer pan? Catherine: Blue. (CATHERINE puts the plastic covering with the blue dots over the room layout.) Warrick: The blue. That's 180-degree array. That's not the epicenter of the explosion. Catherine: Hodges' pan wasn't the source. It got pushed out. (Quick flashback to: The explosion in slow motion. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: By what? (CATHERINE puts the plastic covering with the green dots over the room layout.) Catherine: By this. High primary frag. (Quick flashback to: The glass container with the green liquid in the bag on the table under the fumer. Camera pans around the glass as it explodes in slow motion sending the green glass throughout the lab. Motion resumes. The explosion continues in real time. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Then who blew up the lab? Catherine: I did. (CATHERINE turns and looks at WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MIGUEL DURADO'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY -- DAY] (BRASS rushes up the stairway. Two officers and SARA follow him toward MIGUEL DURADO'S apartment. They stop outside his apartment door.) (He signals the officers to take up position. BRASS takes out his weapon. He nods at the officer. The OFFICER kicks the door open.) Brass: Las Vegas police! Officer: Miguel Durado. We know you're here! Come out! [INT. MIGUEL DURADO'S APARTMENT BUILDING -- DAY] (SARA waits a beat out side the doorway in the hallway. She follows them inside. She takes out her weapon as the officers search the apartment.) (SARA kicks in the bathroom door where MIGUEL DURADO is inside.) Sara: I got him! Brass: Get back! (BRASS pushes SARA aside and apprehends MIGUEL DURADO. An officer takes out his cuffs to handcuff him.) Officer: Okay? You got him? Brass: Yeah, I got him. (BRASS walks up to SARA.) Brass: Okay. Holster your weapon. What were you doing? What were you thinking? You know that we clear the room, not you. Sara: I got him. Brass: You're all done, hombre. (He sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM looks at the photos spread out on his desk of the different bruises found on ALISON CARPENTER.) (The phone rings. He answers it.) Grissom: (to phone) Grissom. Woman: (from phone) Director Covallo is ready to see you. Grissom: (to phone) Okay, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DIRECTOR COVALLO'S OFFICE -- DAY] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM sit in front of DIRECTOR COVALLO'S desk.) Catherine: CSI Brown and I had collected evidence on a case involving a woman whose husband had collapsed. We suspected poison. When we returned to the lab ... Director Robert Covallo: You hadn't identified the liquid? Catherine: Not yet, no. Director Robert Covallo: And it was consumed in the explosion so I guess we'll never know what it was. In any event, you placed this unidentified chemical under the fume hood. Catherine: Right. Director Robert Covallo: Next to an active heat source. Catherine: I didn't know that at the time. Director Robert Covallo: Because you didn't check. (Quick flashback to: CATHERINE walks into the lab. She opens the fume hood and puts the bagged container with the green liquid under it next to the burner. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Unlogged evidence gets placed under the fume hood. A hot plate was left on. It's a lab. It's nobody's fault. Catherine: It's my responsibility. I didn't follow procedure. Director Robert Covallo: Why not? Catherine: Because there's 24 hours in the day and I'm pulling 16 for the county, spending three pretending to sleep and the other five lying to my daughter that everything's going to be all right. Director Robert Covallo: There were 13 active cases in DNA. They are all now tainted or destroyed. Catherine: What do you want to hear? I screwed up. I'm sorry. Director Robert Covallo: "Sorry" doesn't cut it. You're on suspension. Five days unpaid leave. (CATHERINE stands up and leaves the office. GRISSOM gets up to follow her. DIRECTOR COVALLO stops him.) Director Robert Covallo: Grissom. We're not done here. I've heard rumors that you've been kicking back Willows' reports. Grissom: One report. The Jenkins case. She made a miscalculation. I've asked her to reissue the report. Director Robert Covallo: Great. Well, while you're at it, maybe she can reissue the lab explosion. (beat) Let me explain something to you. (DIRECTOR COVALLO turns sideways to face the wall away from GRISSOM.) AUDIO STARTS TO FADE OUT Director Robert Covallo: Every one of us ... (GRISSOM focuses in on DIRECTOR COVALLO'S lips and tries to read it.) Director Robert Covallo: (audio fading) In this building, all of us ... AUDIO FADES OUT COMPLETELY (DIRECTOR COVALLO continues to speak. GRISSOM interrupts him.) Grissom: Robert. If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. (The DIRECTOR turns to look at GRISSOM.) Director Robert Covallo: Okay. It's not your job to protect your people. It's to protect the integrity of this lab. Grissom: Without the people, there is no lab. (GRISSOM leaves the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MIGUEL DURADO'S APARTMENT -- DAY] (NICK walks into the apartment past MIGUEL DURADO who stands handcuffed in the middle of the room. BRASS sits on the arm of the nearby couch. NICK makes his way to SARA who is going through papers.) Nick: I hear you think you're indestructible now, Sara. (SARA looks at NICK.) Nick: Have you ever had a gun drawn on you, Sara? Sara: No, I haven't. (SARA opens the desk drawer and finds something unusual. Sara: Hey, Nick. Nick: Hmm? Sara: Know those red and blue fibers we found in Jason Kent's heroin? Nick: Mm-hmm. Sara: I think I know where they came from. (Quick flashback to: MIGUEL DURADO cutting out the faces of the dollar bills. He glues the heroin to the back of the cut out center of the bill and puts it back on the dollar. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (SARA turns to look at MIGUEL DURADO.) Sara: Take the G.W. bridge? Mickey Durado: I don't know what you're talking about. (NICK notices the cut on MIGUEL'S forehead.) Nick: Did you cut yourself shaving or were you just thinking too hard? Mickey Durado: Police brutality. You ever hear of it? Nick: Those are human bite marks. Mickey Durado: Yeah? His. Brass: You're not looking at assault, Mick. You're looking at murder. Miguel Durado: What? Sara: You have Jason Kent's teeth marks on your head. (Quick flashback to: MIGUEL DURADO grabs JASON KENT by his shirt and head butts him in the mouth. JASON KENT falls back against the wall clutching his mouth. MIGUEL DURADO continues down the hallway. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: And your fingerprints are on Alison Carpenter's body. Mickey Durado: You're not putting this murder rap on me. It was that freak Jason. He did it. Brass: We're placing you at the scene. Mickey Durado: Yeah. I was there ... for the money. I told him that he had one day to pay up what he owed. Make everything right with Jesus. That's it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM re-interview JASON KENT with his lawyer there.) Brass: You know, it's not a bad deal for prison. Mickey D. brings the heroin to Jesus Cardenas and you trade him a woman for smack. Lawyer: Testimony from Mickey D.? Hearsay from a gangbanger? Brass: Oh, there's more. You left prison without paying your tab and when Jesus sent his collection agency after you, you figured you'd pay him back just the way you did in the joint. Grissom: We know that you had s*x with Alison Carpenter that night. Most probably in her car. Brass: Get her in the mood. (Quick flashback to: JASON KENT leads ALISON CARPENTER up the bleachers. He stops and turns around to her.) Jason Kent: I want you to do something for me. Alison Carpenter: Anything you want. Jason Kent: Good, come on. (Cut to: They go into the announcer's box where MIGUEL DURADO is waiting.) Jason Kent: This get us square? Mickey Durado: Yeah. For now. Jason Kent: Take care of him. Alison Carpenter: No, I don't want to. Jason Kent: You said you'd help me. Alison Carpenter: I did help you. Jason Kent: Alison, just one time. Come on. Alison Carpenter: No! (JASON KENT grabs ALISON CARPENTER and pushes her up against the wall, holding her there, his hand around her neck. She struggles.) (MIGUEL DURADO closes his eyes.) (JASON KENT kills her. ALISON CARPENTER falls to the ground dead.) (MIGUEL DURADO walks toward the door.) Jason Kent: You're in on this. (MIGUEL reaches the door but can't open it wide enough to get out. The door hits ALISON CARPENTER'S leg. MIGUEL reaches down, picks up her ankle and moves her leg out of the way.) Miguel Durado: You're going back in the joint, freak. (MIGUEL leaves.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Lawyer: You can't prove any of this. You have no evidence that places my client at the scene. Grissom: Would you place your hand -- your right hand -- on this paper, please? Extend the fingers outward. (JASON KENT puts his hand on the paper. GRISSOM takes an outline of his hand.) Attorney: You have a known gang member in custody and yet you persist in harassing my client. Brass: You're protective, aren't you? Attorney: Of my clients. (BRASS takes out a sheet of paper and shows it to the lawyer.) Brass: Do you pay the rent for all your clients or just the ones you really like? (GRISSOM pulls out a piece of paper.) Grissom: Mickey D ... has a hand span of 19 centimeters. The hand that strangled Alison Carpenter ... has a span of 22 centimeters. (GRISSOM measures the hand span.) Grissom: And your hand ... (GRISSOM shows the results to them.) Grissom: ... 22 centimeters. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The Officers escort JASON KENT out of the interview room and down the hallway past BRASS and GRISSOM.) Brass: You going to go to the DA with a connect-the-dots hand on a piece of tracing paper? Grissom: It's all we got that links him to the murder. Everything else blew up in the lab. Brass: The guy's going to walk. Grissom: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - GREG'S ROOM -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE stands in the hospital room waiting for GREG to wake up. GREG groans and opens his eyes. He sees CATHERINE standing by the window.) Greg: What time is it? Catherine: Late. Greg: How long have you been here? Catherine: A while. (pause) I got a little time on my hands. Greg: You figured out what happened in the lab, didn't you? Catherine: Yeah. (CATHERINE pulls up a chair and sighs.) Catherine: Yeah, and, um ... I wanted you to hear it from me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM sits at the corner of his desk riffling through his rolodex. He finds a card: DR. KAREN ROTH, ENT SUNDOWN MEDICAL GROUP ?9548 DESERT WAY LAS VEGAS, NV 89108 (SARA appears in the doorway and leans against the door frame.) Sara: You ... got a minute? (GRISSOM looks up and takes the card out of the rolodex.) Grissom: I was just leaving. Sara: Yeah, the, uh, schedule says you're off tonight. Grissom: I am. Sara: Me, too. (GRISSOM tucks his glasses into his pocket.) Grissom: You should be on paid leave. Sara: I'm fine. Grissom: You were fortunate. And I'm not talking about the explosion. Sara: You, uh, you talked to Brass? Grissom: And Nick. (GRISSOM gathers his things.) Sara: We got the guy. (He stands up and takes a couple of steps toward the door.) Grissom: Is that all you have to say? Sara: Would you like to have dinner with me? (GRISSOM stops.) Grissom: No. Sara: Why not? Let's ... let's have dinner. Let's see what happens. Grissom: Sara ... (GRISSOM pauses and sighs.) Grissom: I don't know what to do about this. Sara: (nods) I do. (They look at each other.) Sara: You know, by the time you figure it out, you really could be too late. (SARA turns and leaves. GRISSOM stares after her. He takes a step forward, then reaches out and turns off his office lights. GRISSOM leaves.)	Plan: A: Nick; Q: Who is the third person to investigate the murder of a young woman? A: a young woman; Q: Who was found dead in the press box of a high school stadium? A: a shady ex con; Q: Who was the young woman involved with? A: an explosion; Q: What event in the DNA lab leaves Greg seriously injured? A: Greg; Q: Who was injured in the DNA Lab explosion? A: the psychological trauma; Q: What is Sara struggling with after being caught up in the explosion? Summary: Grissom, Sara, and Nick investigate the murder of a young woman who was involved with a shady ex con, found dead in the press box of a high school stadium. They arrive less than an hour after the woman's death. In the aftermath of an explosion in the DNA Lab that leaves Greg seriously injured and hospitalized, Catherine and Warrick try to find out who is responsible, while Sara struggles to cope with the psychological trauma that she is suffering from being caught up in the explosion.
Scene 1: Russell's mansion - Russell, Talbot, Bill, Lorena, Sookie, Eric Russell: Well, guess who turned out to be completely unworthy of our trust. Talbot: No. Russell: Hm. Lorena: Why? What's happened? Russell: He's been hiding something very interesting from us all. Bill kills the guard and tries to kill Russell but the king is stronger than him. Sookie: Bill! Russell: Are you serious? I am almost 3000 years old. Bill: Eric, get her out of here, please. Sookie: Eric, what are you doing? Eric: I wouldn't let go of this if I were you. I don't know what it is, but I do know it's quite valuable. Credit Sookie: Eric, what the fck? Eric: I've not had the pleasure of tasting it, but all my instincts say it would be quite extraordinary. Sookie: I will never, ever forgive you for this. Eric: Mm. It thinks we're equals. Russell: Oh, but it's wrong. Isn't it? Eric: Indeed. Talbot: Do you care nothing about our home? Russell: Talbot, not now. Talbot: When? Lorena: What are you going to do with our Mr. Compton, if I may ask? Russell: Marco, Klaus, take Mr. Compton to the slave quarters. There, my dear, you will kill him. Sookie: No! Lorena: But what's...? Russell: Do not defy me! I am your king! Eric: Your Majesty. Russell: Take Miss Stackhouse into the library, Eric. I wanna ask her a few questions after I repair the state of affairs of my marriage. Russell leaves. Sookie: Bill, I will get you out of here. Bill: Eric, you save her, I beg you. They take Bill. Sookie: If you do kill him... I will kill you. Lorena: Oh, please. Please try. Without that sanctimonious little prick, Godric, to save you, I would just love to rip you open and wear your rib cage as a hat. Lorena leaves. Sookie: Please tell me you were just doing that for the king's benefit. Eric: I don't think anyone plays the king of Mississippi and gets away with it. I certainly have no intentions of trying. Sookie: Why are you even here? I thought you had other things to deal with. Eric: Yeah, I do, and I need to think. So please don't take this the wrong way, but shut up. Sookie: Eric, please, I'm begging you... Eric: Thank you. Scene 2: Merlotte's - Jessica, Arlene, a client, Lafayette, Jesus Client: And what is your vegetable of the day? Arlene: That would be the peas. Client: Hm. And how are those prepared? Arlene: Those are dumped out of a can into a big pot and heated up. I mean, where do you think you are, lady, Red Lobster? Client: Hey, I am paying good money to eat here. You wanna keep any of that cheap dyed hair you better stop mouthing off to me. Lafayette: Tap the titty. Jesus: Oh, come on. Lafayette: Well, that sucked. And not in a good way. Oh. Arlene: Lafayette, I got an order. Lafayette: What? Sam and Tommy already done gone. Ain't we closed yet? Arlene: Nope. Curlers over there wants the chicken fried steak, extra gravy on the side, extra mash, no veggies. Lafayette: Hell, no. Jesus: You want me to help? Lafayette: Can you cook? Jesus: I can do a lot of things. Lafayette: Oh, Lordy. Arlene: "And I want a freshly cut lemon in my iced tea, not some dried-out thing that's been sitting around all day." Aah! Dagnabbit. Look what I just did. Oh, I got lemon juice on it too. Jessica: No, sorry. Arlene, sometimes it just happens. Arlene: Please don't kill me. I'm pregnant. That probably just makes you wanna eat me even more. Oh, God. This is why people hate y'all. Jessica: I just haven't eaten in days. Scene 3: In the woods - Crystal, Jason Jason: I love how warm you are. Crystal: I feel like I'm on fire. Jason: Yeah. Me too. That's because we are... on fire. Crystal: I ain't no virgin. Jason: Me neither. But you make me feel like one. Crystal: Not me. You make me feel like 110 percent woman. Jason: Whoa. Oh. Don't hurt me. Or do. I don't care. Crystal: What the hell's that supposed to mean? Jason: Huh? Crystal: I ain't into any pervert stuff. Jason: What? I didn't mean it like that. Crystal: Then what in blazes was it you did mean? Jason: I meant... Um... Don't break my heart. What did I say? Crystal: This ain't right. It ain't I wanted to just get a taste of something I could remember forever, but... Goddamn it, I ain't gonna let you see me cry. Jason: Hey. Hey, there's no reason for you to cry. Not when you're with me. I'll take care of you. What? Crystal: I gotta go. Jason: No. Crystal. Crystal: Keep it down. Jason: Hey. I ain't letting you go. Crystal: Ain't nobody owns me. Jason: Well, when am I gonna see you again? Crystal: Never. This can't happen. It's too dangerous. Jason: Dangerous? Why? Crystal: Just forget me, for both our sakes. Crystal leaves. Scene 4: Russell's mansion - Sookie, Eric, Russell Sookie: So all that stuff about caring about me, that was just crap? Eric: I never said I cared about you. Maybe you dreamt it. Sookie: You big phony. Big hat, no cattle. Eric: Do you mind? I'm trying to think here. Sookie: I thought you said my life was too valuable to throw away. Eric: You are valuable, that's very clear. I'm just not sure why. Sookie: "Sookie, I'm risking everything to tell you this, because you mean so much to me. You make me feel almost human." Eric: You mean nothing to me, understand? Nothing. I'm close to getting something I've wanted since I was still human. Do not get in my way. Sookie: I hate your fcking guts, Eric Northman. I promise I will pay you back for this. Russell: Sorry to have kept you waiting. A husband's work is never done. Leave us. Eric: As you wish. Eric leaves. Russell: Now, tell me what you are. Sookie: I'm a waitress. Russell: Yes, and I am Marie of Romania. I'm a very patient man, Miss Stackhouse. One can afford to be when one is immortal. But my patience is not without limits. Scene 5: Merlotte's - Jessica, Arlene, Client Arlene: Oh, God, I hate leaving the kids with Terry this long. He's always so frazzled when I get home. Uh, where's Lafayette? Jessica: He and that Jesus guy left. Said to tell you to lock up before you leave. Arlene: Okay. But just so you know, this necklace is pure silver, and I take garlic supplements too. Jessica: Arlene, just because my fangs popped out, doesn't mean I'm gonna use 'em on you. Arlene: I just wish this awful night was over. You know every single one of my customers stiffed me? Jessica: Well, let me take care of her for you. Arlene: Um... Don't... Don't kill her or anything. Jessica goes to the client's table. Jessica: Excuse me, ma'am? She hypnotizez her. You're not hungry anymore. Now, I want you take all the money you have and leave it on the table then head to the ladies', alrighty? Jessica returns next to Arlene. Jessica: She'll be gone soon. The client puts her money on the table and goes to the ladies room. Jessica is in there and feeds from her. Arlene: Ma'am? You okay in the? Ma'am? The client goes out. Client: Thank you so much. You are the best waitress I've ever had. Jessica: Hey. Arlene: Hi. Jessica: Not such a bad night after all, huh? You got a nice tip and nobody got killed. See you tomorrow. Scene 6: Lafayette's car - Lafayette, Jesus Jesus: No fcking way. Lafayette: So what? I was born here. Jesus: You never wanted to leave? Lafayette: Ever since the day I was born. I've been places, I just never stayed. I've always come back here. Jesus: You're not done with this place. Lafayette: Mm. Feels like it's not done with me. So where you from? Jesus: Uh... I was born in Catemaco. Lafayette: Catemaco. Jesus: Mm-hm. But mi mami dragged me all over the fcking globe. Texas, Uruguay... Heh. Portugal, you name it. Lafayette: No pop? Jesus: No, I've got one. It's just nobody knows who he is. Mami was raped. Lafayette: Get the fck out. Jesus: Yeah. Makes all those jokes your mom cracks about me raping her that much funnier. Lafayette: Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I actually can relate to you. Jesus: Why would you think that you couldn't? Lafayette: Does term "Satan in a Sunday hat" mean anything to you? Jesus: Bitch, my name is Jesus, bro. I am the polar opposite of Satan. Lafayette: You'd better be. Jesus: Can I kiss you? fck me. I shouldn't have asked. I should have just done it, right? Lafayette: Uh... I have a rule, though. Jesus: Mm-hm. No sx on the first date. Lafayette: Okay. Jesus: Sometimes I have a hard time keeping that rule. Lafayette: I think... I think we should follow that rule. Jesus: Give us somewhere to go. Lafayette: Yeah, right. Sure. Unless... Jesus: Yeah. Lafayette: Because I'm feeling something all kind of intense with you. Jesus: Are you? Lafayette: Yeah. I'm not sure I should trust it. Jesus: I'm getting kind of hard just looking at you. Lafayette: Damn. Scene 7: Russell's mansion - Russell, Sookie, Lorena, Bill, Talbot, Eric, Franklin, Tara Sookie: Isn't it warm out for a fire? Russell: I suppose it is. I love a good fire. There's something primal about it. Always makes things more dramatic. Now... it's time for you to answer my questions, Miss Stackhouse. Sookie: Fine. I have some questions for you too. Russell: Heh. Oh, honey. There's a fine line between feisty and delusional. You're not really in any position to bargain. Sookie: You don't know that. Russell: Oh, now it's getting interesting. Sookie: So I'll answer one of your questions and you'll answer one of mine? Russell: Heh-heh. Who goes first? Sookie: Are you the king of all vampires? Russell: Heavens no, my dear girl. I am merely the king of Mississippi. Sookie: Do you have a crown? Russell: I have several. That's two questions. My turn. What are you? You're definitely not human. Sookie: My parents were human. Russell: How do you know? And how do you know they were your parents, for that matter? Sookie: My grandfather was like me. Russell: Which is? Sookie: I can hear people's thoughts. And shifters', werewolves'. Not vampires'. Russell: How dreadful that must be. Sookie: Oh, you have no idea. Russell: I mean, who cares what anyone else is thinking? Sookie: My turn. Is Lorena gonna kill Bill? Russell: If she knows what's good for her. But she'll take her time. He's been her drug of choice for centuries now. She's gonna have a hard time letting go. Sookie: Please. You can stop her. Russell: Why would you want me to? Are you aware that your noble Mr. Compton... has been keeping a secret file on you? On your family? Sookie: What the...? Russell: My turn. What are you besides a telepath? And what on Earth makes that light come out of your hands? Oh. Don't make me force it out of you. Sookie: I don't know. I never even knew I could do it until recently, and I don't know what I am. Maybe I'm an alien. All I know is it's something big, so if I were you I wouldn't hurt me or anyone I care about. Russell: Are there other powers? Sookie; It's my turn. Russell: Are there other powers? Sookie: Once I threw a chain at somebody and it wrapped around his neck by itself, like that face-crab thing from Alien. That's all. Russell: Well. No wonder the queen is so... fascinated by you. Sookie: There's a queen? Russell: Oh, sweetheart. You really don't know anything at all, do you? Lorena: I do miss the 1930s. Such style, elegance. People knew how to behave and what was expected of them. They knew how to avoid creating tragedies for the people they loved. I may not be able to make you feel anything for me, but... I will make you feel. Bill: You have always so enjoyed making others suffer. Lorena: And there's nothing wrong with that. Especially having been made to suffer as I have been. Bill: You haven't suffered at the hands of others for a very long time. Lorena: I am suffering now. Bill: Please... do it quickly. Lorena: Even as you face the true death... I will be inside you. Not Sookie, me. Bill: I wish I had known you before you were made, before you turned hard. I would've liked to have seen you smile with light in your eyes... instead of darkness. That would have been something. Lorena: I have no choice. William. Tara is alone in the room when Franklin arrives. Tara: Where you been? Franklin: Tara, I will not be policed. Tara: Of course not. I'm not pol... I just really missed you, Franklin. Couldn't wait for you to get back. Franklin: Really? I find that hard to believe. You haven't even noticed that I've shaved. I wanted to... I wanted to look nice for you. It's our wedding night tomorrow. By the way, your friend Sookie, she's been brought here. Tara: What is Russell gonna do to her? Franklin: So that means my work for Russell is officially over, which means you've got me all to yourself. Tara: Don't promise me something you can't deliver, now. Untie me. Two hands are better than none. Franklin: Why, you wicked little strumpet. Tara: I'm gonna drink your blood tomorrow night. Franklin: Oh, yes, you are. Tara: I want it now. I wanna experience being high on you while making love to you. Knowing it's my last act as human, I wanna have the most amazing sx any human can have before I give myself to you... in death. Franklin: Kinky. Tara: Yeah. fcked up. Crazy. Franklin: I'll go there. Tara: I bet you will. Franklin: Will you? Franklin: Bring it. Bite me. Bite into my flesh. Taste my blood, my sinew, my bones. Open me up. Taste me, drink me, feed on me. Tara: You don't have to ask me twice. Franklin: Oh! fck, yeah! Kill me. Kill me hard. Kill me. Eric: Hey, wait a minute. That's not how you play Kaiserspiel. Talbot: Kaiserspiel? We're playing Karnoffel. Eric: Oh. I'm sorry. Wow. I haven't played this game in centuries. Talbot: Russell taught me this game when I was still human. Eric: How long have you been together? Talbot: Uh, just shy of 700 years. Although sometimes it feels like 7 million. Eric: Well, I hope he knows just how lucky he is. Talbot: Oh, believe me... he knows. Sookie: Get your hands off me! Russell: Carlo! Take this. Sookie: Let go of me. Russell: And have Timothy bring the car around. Sookie: Let me go! Talbot: Where are you going now? Russell: I have business. Talbot: Again? Russell: Yes. Sookie: Eric! Please, save Bill! Russell: Mr. Northman, would you accompany me this evening? Eric: It would be an honor. Talbot: You never take me anywhere. Because you prefer to be in the company of sycophants. Deep down, my darling, you're a very weak character. Talbot leaves. Russell: He's in one of his moods. Well, never mind. We have much more pressing matters at hand. We're gonna see an old friend of yours. Eric: Hm. Sookie: Get your creepy hands off me! I have powers! I'll use them, I will! Bill! The guard locks Sookie in a room. Tara's thoughts: Sookie. Sookie. Don't worry, Sookie, I'm gonna get you out. Wait until the sun comes up. I'll find you. Be ready. Sookie: Tara? Tara's thoughts: Because we're gonna need all the luck in the world, but I'm gonna get us out of here. I'm not giving up without a fight. Franklin: You have no idea what awaits you on the other side, my beautiful bride. No more pain. No more fear. No more rules. Scene 8: In the car - Eric, Russell Russell: Tell me, Eric... May I call you Eric? Eric: Certainly. Russell: What exactly is your Relationship with Miss Stackhouse? Eric: Well, her lover, Bill Compton, is, um... Was a constituent of mine. I'd keep an eye on that because I knew she was of interest to my queen. Russell: So no personal attachments? Eric: I do not get attached to humans. Russell: Still, you have to admit, she is quite delectable. Eric: My tastes lie elsewhere. Russell: Lorena thinks you killed one of my werewolves. Eric: I killed a werewolf. I was not aware it belonged to you. Russell: To save Sookie? Eric: To save myself. I was at her house to question her regarding Bill's disappearance, and it attacked me. Russell: Only a very young and very foolish vampire could be killed by a werewolf. You are neither. Eric: Only a vampire with no self-respect would allow a werewolf who attacked him to remain alive. They are base, primitive creatures, and I will freely admit that I despise them. You're the first vampire I met who didn't feel the same way. Russell: Of course I do. They're more dog than man. Stupider than dogs, actually. But it seems beneficial to me to use them rather than destroy them. Eric: How exactly do you use them? Russell: I give them the blood. Oh, come, now. I know that you yourself have been dealing, so don't pretend to be a vampire fundamentalist. If all the supernatural's would stop squabbling among themselves and unite, we could conquer humans in a matter of days. Eric: This is your plan? Russell: I prefer to call it my dream. Eric: Well, I like this dream. Russell: Throughout history, I have aligned myself with or destroyed those humans in power, hoping to make a dent in mankind's race to oblivion. What other creature actively destroys its own habitat? Eric: Hey, you're preaching to the choir. Russell: I mean, do you remember how the air used to smell? How humans used to smell? How they used to taste? Eric: I remember everything. Russell: Preening little fool that he was, Adolf was right about one thing. There is a master race. It's just not the human race. Eric: Should we have taken the I-12 exit? Eric: Oh, we're not going to Shreveport. Oh, don't worry. We'll deal with your Magister problem in time. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 9: Lafayette's house - Lafayette, Jesus, Felton Norris, two men Lafayette: Well, this is my, uh, humble abode. Jesus: Wow. It's amazing. Lafayette: You think so? Jesus: And that... That is beautiful. That's my girl. Tonantzin. Lafayette: No, that's the Virgin Mary. Jesus: Yeah, but it's also... Eleggua and Chango. These guys are pretty fcking hard-core, dude. What do you offer them? Lafayette: Huh? Jesus: Lafayette, man, these guys, they have to be appeased, bro, or else they will fck you up. Seriously, I sing for Eleggua. I put out shots of tequila for Chango. Lafayette: He drink 'em? Jesus: No, smart-ass. He blesses 'em, and then I drink them. Lafayette: Well, maybe I should put out a couple of shots for him right now. Jesus: Or... we could offer him something else. They kiss. They hear man screaming outside and go out. Felton: Evening, faggot. Man2: Ha-ha! Lafayette: Bitch. Felton: First your fcking non-American car, faggot. We gonna fck you up, cocksucker. Man3: Yeah, fucker. Felton: sh1t. Lafayette: Last time you fck with me. Dumb-ass hillbilly. Man3: sh1t. Lafayette: Make no mistake, cracker. You're gonna get my fcking ride fixed. Felton: How the hell am I supposed...? Lafayette: Ain't my fcking problem. Felton: Why don't you just sell all that sh1t I dropped by your house? I ain't selling no vampire blood. It's evil. Lafayette: And crystal meth ain't? Jesus: Lafayette! Lafayette! Lafayette. Calm down, man. You got him. Lafayette: Get the fck out of here. Go tell your mama two faggots whupped your ass, bitch! Jesus: Come on. Are you a drug dealer? Lafayette: Yeah. Jesus: Huh. And V? Man, that sh1t's so intense, it ruins most people's lives. You know what, man? Just take me back to my car. Lafayette: Whatever you want, bitch. Scene 10: Sophie-Anne's house - Sophie-Anne, Russell, Eric Sophie-Anne: Ah. Ludis! Another hundred dollars. Hadley, Ludis, go down to the Circle K. Get me a couple hundred more Deuces Wild tickets. Mama's feeling lucky tonight. Russell: Mama couldn't be more wrong. Sophie-Anne: You killed my guards. Russell: Only a handful. The rest were surprisingly unwilling to die for you and have defected. Sophie-Anne: Hadley? Russell: Oh. Your human is safe. I'm not here to needlessly slaughter. Sophie-Anne: What do you want? Russell: You, my darling Sophie Anne. I want you to accept my proposal of marriage. Sophie-Anne: I've turned you down countless times. Why would I accept now? Russell: Because in addition to never touching you, I will settle all your debts. Oh, come on. The Magister will eventually determine it was you who was selling our blood. Sophie-Anne: I've already pinned it on Eric Northman. Is that really all you've got? Russell: Well, uh, ooh, there's the IRS. The American Vampire League will let them put you in prison, make an example of you, assuage the right wing's fears about vampires running Wall Street. Sophie-Anne: They have no dominion over me. I'm a queen. Russell: Please. I have known some of the finest queens who've ever lived. You, my dear girl, are no queen. Sophie-Anne: Go fck yourself. Russell: Mm. Eric: No, sweetheart. You go fck yourself. Oh, I am older and stronger than you. I only submitted to you in the past because of respect. But you framed me. So I renounce any and all allegiance to you. I am his now. Sophie-Anne: I refuse to grant you... Eric: I will rip your head off and throw it in the pool. And I will have fun doing it. Russell: Huh. Eric: Your call. Very well, then. Russell: Eric. So yes or no? Sophie-Anne: Goddamn it. Russell: Oh, splendid. Hm. Sun will be up soon. We'll spend the day here. We'll stop by Fangtasia on our way back to Jackson. Eric: As you wish. I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries just now. Russell: No, I, uh... I quite enjoyed that. Thank you. Eric: It is my honor and my duty... my king. I'll make sure your betrothed is properly restrained. Sophie-Anne: Hadley! I want my Hadley! Hadley! Scene 11: Russell's mansion - Lorena, Bill, Debbie, Coot Bill: You should go to ground. Lorena: And not be with you when the life flows out of you? I cannot. Bill: And what will you do then? Find another man that you deem honorable? So that you can turn him into a violent, hateful thing like yourself, destroying whatever it was you loved about him to begin with? Lorena: Yes, it's all my fault, isn't it? You never enjoyed killing those humans, writhing naked in their blood, making love to me as the light died in their eyes. Oh, no. I forced you to do all that. Bill: No. You did not. Lorena: Be a man... and admit you liked it. Bill: Just as you liked enticing all those starving men with your flesh, luring them into your maker's clutches so that he could murder them, and defile their bodies in unspeakable ways as you watched. Lorena: I am not István. Bill: Really? He made you his mirror, just as you tried to make me yours. He is the reason that a girl who once marveled in the beauty of all life, now delights in bringing pain and horror to every moment. Lorena: You never embraced our nature. Bill: Your nature was never mine. I welcome death. Because only then will I be truly free of the disease that is you. Coot and Debbie enter. Lorena: Aah! Coot: Come on, Peaches. We gotta get us some. Oh, sorry, ma'am. We kind of thought you would've retired for the day. Lorena: Aren't you supposed to be patrolling the grounds? Coot: Yeah, well, we was just gonna keep an eye on your prisoner for you, make sure he didn't get away. Lorena: Really? And I suppose feasting on his blood never crossed your minds. Debbie: It's my fault, ma'am. I begged Coot to let me get some. Coot: And I got a bone to pick with this asshole. He jumped me last night, killed three of my wolves last week. Debbie: Come on. Let us just have a little taste. It's just going to waste all over the floor like that. Lorena: Of course. Suck whatever's left right out of him. Debbie: fck, yeah! Drink directly from the source, right? Oh, fck. Coot: This is for Louie, fanger. And Darryl. And Jimmy. This is just 'cause I fcking feel like it. Debbie: You mind? I'm trying to eat here. Coot: Oh, come on, baby. Let's turn this here dead man into a fcking raisin. Debbie: Yeah. Scene 12: Sam's trailer - Nan, Sam, Tommy, Melinda, Finch Nan: That is simply not true. Finch: You can't hypnotize away the facts, Miss Flanagan. Ratification would send a bad message to our nation's children. It would be tantamount to full-on government endorsement of deviant vampiric behavior. Nan: The American people are too smart for this fear-mongering. Flinch: It's not fear-mongering. Nan: Please. We have all seen that leaked fundraising presentation which outlines an aggressive strategy that's designed to capitalize on fear and misinformation. Finch: Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. It's all a vast right-wing conspiracy. Nan: It's no accident at claims of how we intend to prey on America's children... Tommy: Thanks for letting me crash here last night. Sam: You gonna tell me what the hell's going on between you and Joe Lee? Why he came after you last night? You scared of him? Tommy: I ain't scared of him. I just hate him. He's a drunk. Gambles away any money we ever get. fck him. Sam: He the one scarred you up? Tommy: He wishes. Sam: Don't lie to me, Tommy. Tommy: I ain't lying. He ain't never laid a hand on me. He knows better. Sam: Well, there's something messed up between you and him. Now, you may not wanna talk about it, but we're gonna talk about it. Tommy: Okay. But I'll talk about it when I'm ready. Sam: Fair enough, long as it's today. Melinda arrives. Melinda: Good morning. I brought y'all a mess of my secret-recipe corn fritters fried in bacon grease. You ain't had good till you've had these, Sam. Sam: Oh, well, thank you, Melinda. Melinda: When you gonna start calling me Mama? Sam: Well, soon as it starts to feel comfortable. Melinda: Well, you take your time, darling. We got a lot of road to cover, you and me. You mind if I have a little heart-to-heart with my youngest? Sam: Um... Tommy: It's okay. Sam: I'll just take these fritters with me. Put 'em on the lunch menu. Melinda: You wait and see. Folks will be lining up for them, Sam. Sam leaves. Melinda: "It's okay"? It's okay for your own mama to talk to you? Tommy: He's just looking out for me. Melinda: Yeah? Well, who the hell's looking out for me and for Joe Lee? Tommy: I don't give a sh1t who's looking out for him. Melinda: List to me, little boy. You wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. I was ready to end my pregnancy because it would take me off the circuit for too long. It was Joe Lee who said I ought to go ahead and have you, case you turned out to be a shifter like me. Tommy: Wow. What a saint. He wanted to use me just like he'd been using you. Melinda: That man ain't never let me no matter what, and he could've. Tommy: You're the one that never left. He ain't leaving because we're his goddamn meal ticket. Melinda: Yeah? And what would we do without him, huh? You ever think about that? My back's done shot from all the years I spent in the ring. I ain't able to work now. You wanna just leave me to rot in an alley somewhere? Tommy: Course no, Mama. I did it till I couldn't do it anymore, and now it's your turn. It ain't right. Melinda: The world ain't right, you selfish little sh1t. Without you, we ain't gonna survive. We can't do it. Tommy: Yeah, but maybe with Sam's help... Melinda: You can't trust Sam. He may be blood, but he ain't family. And he ain't never gonna be. He looks down on us. Thinks he's better than us. Tommy: Yeah, well, maybe he is. Melinda: Yeah, well, maybe the fck he is. But you think he's willing to take care of us over the long haul once he knows the truth? Uh-uh. Me and Joe Lee's all you got, son, all you ever will have. And in your bones, you know that to be true. Tommy: fck. Scene 13: Russell's mansion - Tara, Franklin Franklin is asleep. Tara wakes up and with a weapon, she kicks him on the head. Scene 14: Hotshot - Jason, Crystal, Man Man: Who the hell are you? Jason: Ahem. I'm here to see Crystal. Man: What for? Jason: That's between me and Crystal. Man: Is that so? All right. Babe. Somebody here to see you. Jason: Hey. Crystal: Who the hell are you? Jason: What? Crystal, it's me, Jason. Crystal: What is this, some kind of joke? I ain't never laid eyes on you. Jason: But... Crystal: I don't know who put you up to this or why, but I don't think it's funny. And I'd appreciate it if you'd leave and my fiancé alone. Jason: Fiancé? Man: You heard the lady, asshole. Now, why don't you get off our land before we kick you off? Crystal: Yeah, dumb-ass. What's taking so long? Man: Yeah. Hey, bitch already said she ain't know you. Jason: Sorry, ma'am. Must have confused you with somebody else. Man: Mm-hm. (TO Crystal) You showed him. Crystal: Whoever the hell he was. Scene 15: Russell's mansion - Tara, Guard, Sookie Tara: Hi. You got that little blond girl in there? Guard: What's it to you? Tara: Talbot's serving her blood for dinner, and she's only supposed to be eating almonds. That's what it is to me. Guard: Nobody told me about almonds. Tara: If she ain't eating almonds, Talbot ain't gonna be happy. If Talbot ain't happy, Russell ain't happy. If Russell ain't happy, you dogs ain't getting any vampire blood. Now open up the goddamn door. Great. You fell asleep and let her escape? Guard: No. Tara: Come on. Sookie: What the hell are you doing? Killing vampires and saving your ass. I'll fill you in later. Now let's get the hell out of here. They escape. Scene 16: Merlotte's - Arlene, Lafayette, Sam Arlene: Eggs over easy, sausage, white toast. And he wants them eggs runny, not... Lafayette: I know what over easy mean, goddamn it. Arlene: Well, you're in a sorry mood today. Lafayette: That's right, I am in a fcking sorry-ass mood. You got a fcking problem with that? Arlene: No. Sam: Hey, Arlene, have you seen Tommy? Arlene: No, and I got two tables need busing. Oh, and, Sam? I thought you had a no-pet policy on those apartments. Sam: I do. Arlene: Oh, I see. Unless it's your kinfolk? I don't appreciate you letting them have that dog when Coby and Lisa can't have a hamster. Sam: What dog? Arlene: That mean-ass looking pit bull that your mama and daddy brought out and piled into their van this morning. Like you don't know. I got kids, Sam. I can't be having some killer dog... Damn, everybody's ignoring me today. Sam runs out. Sam: Tommy? Tommy? Goddamn it. Scene 17: Russell's mansion - Tara, Sookie Tara: He's got werewolves patrolling the grounds by day. But if we can get to one of his cars, hotwire it... Sookie: I've gotta find Bill. Tara: What? He was covered in blood. He was gonna let them kill me. I ain't risking my life to save his dead ass, and neither should you. Sookie: He may not be dead, and they forced him to do that. That's not who he is. I am not leaving here without him. Tara: Then you're a fcking idiot. Sookie: Just find us a way out of here. Scene 18: Merlotte's - Sam, Andy, Jason, Kitch, a girl Sam: Thanks for getting here so fast. Andy: What the hell's the goddamn emergency? Sam: Well, listen. I need to know if there is any dogfighting in Renard Parish. Andy: Hell, no. We don't allow that. Sam: What about nearby? Andy: I can't share official intra-parish intelligence with civilians. Sam: Andy, lives are at stake. And speaking of, I already saved your sorry ass once, so you owe me. Andy: I heard about some raids over in Union Parish recently, down towards the north end of Bernice. Sam: Okay, thanks, buddy. Hey, Arlene, get the sheriff anything he wants for breakfast, on the house. Sam leaves. Jason arrives in his truck at Merlotte's parking lot. Jason: Where the hell'd you learn to drive, Sam Merlotte? Jason sees two young in a car making love. Jason: Get out of the vehicle, please. Kitch: What? Jason: Get out of the fcking vehicle, boy. Don't make me say it again. Girl: Hey, you can't... Jason: Ma'am, nobody's talking to you. I'm gonna give you one last chance to get out of the vehicle before I start to get mad. Kitch: What the fck, dude? Jason: I'll tell you what the fck! Girl: Oh, my God. Hey. Jason: Ma'am, you wanna keep it quiet? Kitch: Careful, that's my throwing arm. Jason: You should have thought about that before you decided to engage in lewd behavior in public, which, in case you didn't know, is against the law. Kitch: You ain't no fcking cop, man. Jason: Not yet, but I'm gonna be one real soon. And I got my eye on you. Kitch: I ain't doing nothing you never did yourself. Jason: Yeah? But here's the difference between you and me. Something about you is wrong. And when I find out what that is, I'm gonna fck you up good, boy. You got it? Kitch: I got it. fck. Jason: Good. Now get the fck out of here. Kitch: fcking freak. Jason: You got that right. Scene 19: Russell's mansion - Sookie, Debbie, Coot, Tara, Alcide, Lorena Debbie: This is fcking intense. Coot: This is how it's always gonna be with me, baby. Debbie: Oh, yeah. Oh, God. You taste like fcking life itself. Coot: I would do anything for you. Debbie: Will you take me to 4-Ever Young and buy me anything I want? Coot: Better. I'll steal it for you. Debbie: I love you, you fcking lunatic. Coot: Not more than I love you, you hot bitch. Hotter than hell. Hottest bitch in town, and I fcking own you. Sookie: Trash. Debbie and Coot leave. Sookie goes to the place Bill is held. Tara runs in the garden when she sees a werewolf; it's Alcide. Tara: f*ck. Aah! Alcide: Hey. Don't be afraid. I'm not one of them, I swear. I'm a good guy. Tara: What do you want? Alcide; I'm looking for Sookie Stackhouse. Tara: You got a car? Alcide: Yeah. Sookie enters and sees Bill on the floor, covered with blood. Sookie: Bill? Please, say something. Bill? Please, don't be dead. Not after everything we've been through. I won't let you go, I won't. Bill: Sookie. Sookie: I'm gonna get you out of here. I'm gonna make you well if it's the last thing I ever do. Because I love you, Bill Compton, and I am not about to let you go. Lorena: Well, isn't that heartwarming? This is all your fault. Lorena bites Sookie.	Plan: A: Sookie; Q: Who tries to save Bill? A: one; Q: How many bodyguards does Bill kill? A: Lorena; Q: Who tortures Bill nearly to death? A: the slaves' quarters; Q: Where does Russell order Lorena to take Bill to kill him? A: Eric; Q: Who refuses to help Bill when asked by Sookie? A: Jason; Q: Who discovers that Crystal has a fiancé? A: Sam; Q: Who suspects that his parents are using Tommy for dog-fighting matches? A: Lafayette's drug dealing; Q: What is the reason Lafayette and Jess fall out? A: Sophie-Anne's mansion; Q: Where does Russell blackmail Sophie-Anne into accepting his marriage proposal? A: the Queen; Q: Who does Eric renounce his loyalty to? A: the King of Mississippi; Q: Who does Eric pledge his loyalty to? A: Franklin's clutches; Q: Where did Tara escape from? A: his head; Q: What part of Franklin does Tara beat to a pulp? A: his blood; Q: What was Bill drained of by Cooter and Debbie? A: Sookie's plan; Q: What does Lorena try to thwart? Summary: Russell takes Sookie and Bill to his mansion, where Bill kills one of the bodyguards and attempts to kill Russell. Russell orders Lorena to take Bill to the slaves' quarters and kill him. Eric refuses to help Bill when asked by Sookie, and denies that she means anything to him. Russell tries to learn what Sookie really is. Jason discovers that Crystal has a fiancé. Sam suspects that his parents are using Tommy for dog-fighting matches. Lafayette and Jesús fall out over Lafayette's drug dealing. Eric accompanies Russell to Sophie-Anne's mansion, where Russell blackmails her into accepting his marriage proposal. Eric renounces his loyalty to the Queen and pledges his loyalty to the King of Mississippi. Tara escapes from Franklin's clutches by beating his head to a pulp and tries to rescue Sookie and escape. Sookie tries to save Bill, who has been tortured nearly to death by Lorena, and had his blood drained by Cooter and Debbie. Lorena thwarts Sookie's plan and attempts to kill her.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Alex : I stripped naked, and that boy didn't even flinch. Julian : I'm sorry. What did I do? Brooke : What you didn't do is tell me that ho bag got naked for you. Julian : Oh, that. Brooke : You -- couch. You -- fired. David : Did you go home with that guy last night? Quinn : Yeah. Clay : Nathan doesn't want us hanging out, and I, uh, I have to respect that. Clay : How'd you like to stay the night tonight? Like old times. Sara : That's up to you, isn't it? Dan : I'd been given only days to live. That was 14 months ago. I have a proposition for you. Renee : Nathan's your son. It could ruin him. Rachel : He's doing this because he wants to bury Nathan. And the deeper Nathan is buried. The more money he'll have to pay you to dig himself out. Renee : Okay. I'm in. AT TV BROADCAST Rachel : They're excited. And I didn't even have to pay them this time. Dan : It's gonna be a big show. Rachel : Dan, you reached out to Nathan, and he hung up on you. He was never gonna forgive you, anyway. Dan : Sometimes the truth is all we have. * information's wrong * * communication's lost * * I got to find what's keeping me up * * problems on the line * * I got no map this time * AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Hey. Skills is gonna take Jamie for the day, just to keep him away from the TV. Nathan : Yeah. You know, the first memory I have is sitting on my father's lap holding a basketball. He spent my entire life trying to get me into the NBA. Now he's gonna take it away. * no matter what I do, it all comes apart with you * * you're such a menace, and you're no good * AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : What are you looking at, goof? * beginning tonight, under my skin * * it's waiting, waiting, waiting * * you'll be another one before all of this is done * * don't keep the menace too long, no * * no matter what i do, it all falls apart with you * * you're such a menace, and you're no good * ON BACKSTAGE Renee : How you doing? Uh, you didn't tell me that this show was live. Dan : Oh, it's better this way. Bigger audience, bigger ratings. After today, everyone will know your story. Renee : I'm nervous. Dan : Don't be. Just speak from your heart, and don't forget to smile. You'll be fine. Renee : Mr. Scott? Dan : Yeah? Renee : What happened between you and Nathan? Dan : I murdered his uncle... Among other things. I'll see you out there. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : This should be the last of it. Quinn : I'm so sorry about all this. Clay : It's fine. Quinn : No, it's not fine. You've been amazing about everything, and it just -- I'm sorry. I'll talk to him. Clay : These aren't mine. Quinn : Awesome. Clay : Awesome. Quinn : Are you coming to watch the show? Clay : No, I need to watch it here. I told Nate I'd call him after. Quinn : Okay. Clay : See ya. Drive safe. Quinn : Thanks. Hey, clay? I hope everything turns out okay. You and Nathan are both really great guys, and you deserve better. Clay : So do you, Quinn. I'll see you later. Quinn : Bye. Sara : So, let's run down the list. There's Blondie from the body-wash commercial. Clay : She has a name, you know. It's Kylie. Sara : Of course it is. There's the actress who can... be in your bed in 20 minutes. Make it 30. And there's this one, Nathan's sister-in-law. It's a little early for a beer, isn't it? You know what I want? Grape kool-aid. Clay : Stop it. Sara : It's okay if you like her. Clay : No, it's not. Sara : Why not? Clay : Because she's somebody's wife. Sara : So? I was your wife. Clay : Yeah. But you left me. Sara : Things change, Clay. She's beautiful... And you like her. Clay : She's not you. Look, I have to watch Nathan's and my career possibly ends on this nightmare TV show. You can go if you want. Sara : No, don't be silly, babe. I'm not going anywhere. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Oh, hey, hey, hey, here. Quinn : Thanks. Haley : Oh, what is all this? Quinn : David dropped off some of my stuff. Haley : In the garage? Quinn : Not exactly. Look, Hales, I thought I'd just watch from my room. You know, to give you and Nathan some space. But I'm here if you need me. Haley : I know, Quinny. Thank you. Quinn : Okay. Haley : Nathan... Hey, um, it's gonna start soon. Nathan : It's been a good life, huh? Haley : Yeah. It's been a wonderful life. You know, when this show is over, it's still gonna be a wonderful life because I love you and your son loves you, and nothing that happens in the next hour is gonna change that. Nathan : God, I needed to hear you say that. Haley : Good. I really needed to say it. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : My guest tonight's grown rather infamous Over the last few weeks. Her name is Renee Richardson, and she's nearly 4 months pregnant. And she claims that this NBA player Is the father of her unborn child. That player happens to be my son. They say that truth is the best vindication against slander. So what is the truth? Is she lying, or am I about to become a grandfather again? We'll meet her and hear her story when we come back ... Believe nothing just because a wise man said it or you read it in a book or it's of divine origin Or simply because your mother told you. It doesn't make it true. Believe only what you yourself can test and judge to be true. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest, Renee Richardson. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : Here we go. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : Hi, Renee. Renee : Hi. Thank you for having me. Dan : She's pretty. Crazy-looking as all hell, but...pretty. We're gonna talk about a lot of things tonight, but just to set the stage, can you tell us a little bit about the night of the alleged affair, the first time you met Nathan? Renee : Um, we had been to a lot of the same parties and clubs, but we hadn't really been introduced. Dan : And that was, what, nearly four months ago? Renee : Um, that's right. Uh, I remember because it was the night of the Memphis game, and Nathan scored his season high that night. 35 points, 11 assists, and six boards? [Flashback - at the party] Clay : You killed it tonight! Here is to your contract year and to making my job a hell of a lot easier. Cheers. Renee : Excuse me? I'm sorry. I don't mean to bother you, but could we get a picture? Clay : Absolutely. just give us one second. Dude, having you around is so much better than a puppy. But seriously... I'm proud of you, and I love you, and you absolutely deserve this. Whew. Oh, yeah, that's the one. all right, let's do this. Nathan Scott, the girls. The girls, Nathan Scott. Renee : Hi. Nathan. Nice to meet you. Nathan : How you doing? Nathan. All right. All right. Renee : Mmm. Somebody smells good. Nathan : That's the rainstorm body spray. Clay : All right, let's make it look sexy. And on the count of 2. 1...2. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : We were really hammered that night. It was the longest road trip of the year. Sara : You were lonely. Clay : I'm always lonely. Sara : On the count of 2. [Flashback - near the river] Guys : Whoo! Clay : That's a long way down. Sara : Thanks. That really helps me right now. Clay : Sorry, I'm -- I'm just not a huge fan of heights. Yeah -- You know, beer bongs I can do. I think they are a beautiful college tradition. Streaking through the quad -- that's another one. Sara : Well, I could do that. Clay : Yeah? Man, did I pick the wrong school. I'm clay. Sara : Hi. I'm Sara. Clay : How about we do this together? * and just like that, it's over * Clay : On the count of 2. Sara : Wait! On the count of 2? Nobody goes on the count of 2. Clay : Yeah, I know. I'll be our thing -- Something we can tell the grandkids about. Sara : Well, I'm gonna tell them about streaking on the quad. Clay : Yeah, nobody wants to hear that from their grandparents. Actually, I take that back. Everyone would love hearing that from their grandparents Atta girl. You ready? You okay? On 2. 1... 2. * that song you softly sing is keeping you from breaking * Clay : How badass were you? Sara : Tell that to the grandkids. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : Let's back up a little bit to when you were younger. We did our research and found out you were once... A cheerleader... Renee : Uh, yes. ... Dan : And a homecoming queen... And, more recently, a hostess in a club. Renee : Uh, yes, but there was no nudity or anything. Dan : I understand. my wife was a stripper - a little nudity. Have you ever been married? Renee : No. Dan : But you knew Nathan was married. Renee : I-I felt bad about it. I mean, obviously, I-I wish that he wasn't, But...I was attracted to him. Dan : And attraction is not a choice. It just is. Have you ever been in love, Renee? Renee : Yes. Dan : It feels good, doesn't it? Falling in love is the easiest thing you're ever gonna do. It's the most exciting thing. It's the most powerful thing. That's why falling out of love hurts like hell. But falling in love -- there's nothing better. It's the best it ever gets. [Flashback - at Quinn's house] Quinn : Hey. Mm. David : Did I ever tell you how amazing you are? Quinn : Mnh-mnh. David : You're amazing... and beautiful... and talented. And one of these days, I'm gonna get you a real darkroom, not just some cramped apartment bathroom. Quinn : Stop. Come here. Look at this. Look how happy you are. I don't need a big darkroom. I just need you to always be that happy, 'cause you deserve that. David : How'd I get so lucky with you? Quinn : Technically, you haven't gotten lucky just yet. But I think you're about to. David : Oh! We got to get a bigger darkroom. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : And then you kissed. Renee : Yes. Dan : And the kissing escalated. Renee : Yes. Dan : When we come back, We're gonna talk a little about love and loss and how we're sometimes our own worst enemies. And then we're gonna find out if Renee is telling the truth, after this. [Flashback - at Quinn's house] David : You awake? Quinn : Depends. Good news or bad news? David : That video position came up at work again. And I took it. Quinn : David, why? David : Because I'm tired of being poor. Quinn : We're not poor. We're frugal. David : Mrs. Padilla said she's been driving you to work. Quinn : It's just sometimes the car won't start. David : How do you get home? Quinn : I catch a ride or I walk. David : Quinn. Quinn : I like walking. Baby, what about your documentary? I stopped at the library and got the grant forms. It's what we've talked about. It's what you've always wanted. David : And I'll still want it a year from now. But this is good money, Quinn. I want to get you a house... and that darkroom. Quinn : I don't need those things. I need you to be happy and inspired. David : Well, this will make me happy and you'll keep me inspired. Please? Say it's okay? Say, "Okay." Quinn : Okay, okay, Okay, okay, okay. Promise me you'll fill out the forms. David : Of course. Quinn : And if something comes up, then, that you'll take it. David : Of course, of course, of course, of course. I promise. Quinn : Okay. David : I love you, you know that? Quinn : I love you, too. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : Falling in love is easy. But a lifetime of love -- now, there's a miracle. NEAR THE RIVER Brooke : You know I love you. And you know I fired Alex, but you're still working with her. Julian : I like her script, Brooke. Brooke : You like her script or you like her? AT TV BROADCAST Dan : Relationships aren't always easy. I should know. I'm on my second marriage. Yep. How many of you are divorced? Divorce doesn't just happen and relationships don't just end in an instant. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Sara : What'd you do with your ring, anyway? Your wedding band. Where is it? Clay : I don't know. Sara : You don't know, or you don't want to remember? [Flashback - at Clay's beach house] Clay : Hey, Sara... What do you think? Sara : I think you look like a boy playing dress-up. Clay : Come on. This is my shot. I got to get in the mailroom, I become an assistant, they make me junior agent, And I'm in. And you're in. Help. Sara : The person interviewing you -- it's a woman, right? Clay : Yeah. Sara : Jean sand a button-up shirt, and go heavy on the boyish grin. Clay : You sure? Sara : Hey, it got you me, didn't it? Clay : You don't think that will be too casual? Sara : Here. Married says mature, stable, and dependable -- Everything they'll want to see in a future agent. Clay : Only I'm not married. Sara : Then marry me, you knucklehead. Clay : Yes. Yes! Sara : Well, there's that boyish grin! AT TV BROADCAST Dan : We all want to be loved, to be happy. So why aren't we? Because we've become experts at sabotaging our own happiness... ...feeling like victims, when, in fact, It's the choices we make. The bad habits, the vices, The inability to show love and compassion -- These are the things that tear us down. We're not... Victims. We're assassins when it comes to love and happiness. Renee is beautiful, and she's smart, and she wants love in her life, And yet who did she choose to sleep with? Allegedly. A man who was unavailable to her. Now, she may be telling the truth... And she may deserve compensation, but she is no victim. Oh. We applaud the sentiment, but we don't change. Why? Because we want what we want. So we do it, we say it, try it, and we victimize ourselves, and we hire an attorney, and it has to stop. Renee... You say Nathan Scott, My son, is the father of your unborn child, right? Renee : Yes. Dan : I believe you. I think you're telling the truth and more than that, I'm going to prove it... With the help of this lie-detector machine...when we come back. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : This is just -- This is unbelievable. AT TV BROADCAST Rachel : Two minutes, guys. Renee : What is this about? Rachel : What's what about, honey? Renee : No, I-I didn't agree to this. Rachel : Relax. It's great television. Renee : No, you don't - Rachel : here's the thing -- If you're lying, science will prove it eventually, and if not, you have nothing to worry about. Don't forget to smile. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Nathan. Nathan : Do you believe this? Do you realize how ridiculous this is? The guy shot his brother at point blank range, and now he has a hit TV show. He's rolling out some rigged-up lie-detector machine, And I have to sit 3,000 miles away and just take it. Haley : Screw him. I mean it. Let's not even watch the rest of the show. It's a nice day. It's a nice life. Nathan : How can you be so strong? AT TV BROADCAST Dan : It's a question of character. It's really about who has better character. Is it Renee... or Nathan? [Flashback - at Clay's beach house] Clay : And if you sign with me, I promise you that the energy and resources That I'll dedicate to you and your career will be unmatched. Sara : Okay. I'm in! Can I give you my two cents? Clay : Sure. Sara : This is all still about that wide receiver, right? Clay : Yeah. Sara : I think... you can do better. Clay : Babe, this guy is a big deal. I mean, he can change everything for me. Sara : But you said it yourself -- he's a bad guy. Clay : And if I only represent good guys, I may have no clients at all. Sara : No, I don't believe that. I don't think you do, either. Clay : The guy is great, Sara. Sara : He's not great. He's just a great player. And the man I love knows the difference. That's what's gonna make you a great agent. You'll find players that you can believe in and clients that become friends. You'll find someone Who has integrity and character and heart. And that will change everything for you. And that's the man I fell in love with. NEAR THE RIVER Brooke : I love you, you know that. Julian : I know. Brooke : You really hurt my feelings when you said we weren't getting married. Julian : When did I ever say anything about marriage? Brooke : When your dad came to town. You said we weren't getting married like it was some sort of completely ridiculous notion to you. Julian : No. Brooke, I was venting. It had nothing to do with the actual concept of marrying you. I think about that all the time. Brooke : Really? Julian : Yeah. Brooke : Well, good, because that's what I wrote in the sand. That night you said you were gonna take that movie in New Zealand, I-I wrote "marry me" in the sand, and then I didn't tell you because you said you were leaving. Surprise. [Flashback - at Quinn's house] Quinn : David? David. What is this? David : Surprise. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : I know this is a surprise, but we have an expression on this show -- Step into the light... Public : Together and get yourself right! ... Dan : and get yourself right. During the break, we hooked Renee up to a lie detector, And here's how it works. I'll ask Renee a question, and depending on her answer, the words "TRUE" or "LIE" will appear on the screens behind me. For instance, is your name Renee Richardson? Renee : Yes. Dan : Excellent. let's begin. Did you, in fact, meet Nathan Scott at a party, as you described earlier? Renee : Yes. Dan : Did you flirt with Nathan Scott? Renee : Yes. Dan : Did Nathan flirt back? [Flashback - at the party] Renee : You smell good. Nathan : That's my rainstorm body spray. Renee : Oh. Renee : Yes. Dan : Believe only what yourself test and judge to be true. Renee, is Nathan Scott, my son, the father of your unborn child? Renee : Yes. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : Hey, it's Clay. It's my third time calling, buddy. Look, I'm watching the show right now, And I, um...I just want to talk to you. So, please call me back, all right? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : Hales? Nathan? * I won't do what you told me * * I won't do what you said * * no, I'm not gonna stop feeling * * I'm not gonna forget * [Flashback - at Quinn's house] Quinn : Hey, David, do you know where -- David : Hey, babe. Quinn : Uh...what is this? David : Okay, okay, I-I know it's expensive, but I just had a thought -- Quinn : Screening room. David : Okay. I'm just saying -- I go to work, I come home, I sit here -- I'm happy. Quinn : Remember that old car that we had... And the futon? We were really happy then. David : Yeah, that futon sucked, baby. Quinn : I love this picture of you. David : Really? 'cause that guy was struggling, foolish, and broke. Quinn : That's not true. David : Quinn...you've got some crazy, romantic notion of who I used to be of who we used to be. We were just naive kids. God forbid I ever go back to that. Can you hand me a Phillips screwdriver? It's in the box over there. Quinn : Sure. David : How great is this room, by the way? No windows. It's perfect. Quinn : It's a really dark room. NEAR THE RIVER Julian : Did you mean it when you proposed? Brooke : Yeah. I did that night. Julian : But not anymore. Brooke : I don't know right now. Julian : I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. AT TV BROADCAST Dan : Sometimes we fall short of the people we are meant to be, and sometimes people do things they're ashamed of. Thank you, Renee. And usually, after the guilt sets in, We make things worse. My son, Nathan Scott, is a good man, But sometimes people do funny things In the face of pressure and desperation. And the truth... Well, truth is an absolute, and the truth can set you free. My name is Dan Scott. I love my wife, Rachel. Rachel : What is he doing? Dan : My son, Nathan, loves me. I'm president of the United States. I'm Santa Claus. I didn't kill my brother. Quinn : Hey, you guys got to get in here! Dan : Life is funny, isn't it? Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and it isn't fair. This is a still frame of the moment i told you we were gonna do the lie-detector test. Your pupils are dilated. your eyebrows are arched. It means you were surprised. This is a still frame of the moment after you said Nathan had slept with you And the monitors said "true." You were surprised again, weren't you? Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I think you're a good person, Renee. I think something bad happened to you, and you were clever enough to see a way out. [Flashback - at the party] Nathan : All right. Renee : Mmm. You smell good. Nathan : Oh, that's the rainstorm body spray. Clay : All right. Let's make it look sexy. Okay -- ooh, easy. Not too sexy. That'll cost us $20 million next year. On the count of 2. 1...2. Dan : I don't think you wanted to. I think you were afraid... and lost and desperate. You knew Nathan was in a contract year, and you knew he had too much to drink that night. Maybe someone lied to you, Maybe someone took advantage of you, or maybe... Being a good person just wasn't paying off. Renee : I don't want to do this anymore. Dan : I know. But here's the good news. You can stop it -- Right here, right now. You wanted to get some money, some security. What's so little to someone who has so much? And then you got angry, and then the press got involved, And then there was no turning back. Renee... We have a team of experts backstage Who study body language and heart-rate response And all of it. You were at that party that night, And you had sx, didn't you? And you got pregnant. But you didn't have sx with Nathan Scott, and you never had sx with Nathan Scott, did you? Renee : No. Sara : Well, what do you know? Character changes everything. Dan : It's okay. It's okay. It's over now. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : It's okay. It's over ...Thanks. He says she's dropping everything. Haley : I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Nathan : I shouldn't have been drunk at that party, Haley. I just -- Haley : You -- You're still young. We both are. I think -- I think we just forget that sometimes. AT CLAY'S HOUSE Sara : What are you listening to? Clay : You know. I never changed it. Sara : Play it. Clay : I can't. Sara : For me? [Willie Nelson's - Angel flying too close to the ground" plays] if you had not have fallen... * [Flashback - at Clay's beach house] Sara : I love this song. Clay : You look beautiful. Sara : Well, thank you, handsome. Dance with me. * and I patched up your broken wing * Sara : You know what I want? Clay : What? Sara : Grape kool-aid. * trying to keep your spirits up * * and your fever down * * I knew someday... * Clay : You know what I hate? I hate these pens. It's either way too much fluid or not nearly enough, but it's never the right amount. And they cost, like, a fortune. What are you looking at, you goof? Sara, hey. Hey, Sara! Hey! * so leave me if you need to * * i will still remember * * angel flying too close * * to the ground * * leave me if you need to * * i will still remember * * angel flying too close * * to the ground * Sara : Clay. Clay : Sometimes I can't see you anymore. I forget things about you, and I'm afraid that I'm losing us. Like the way you smelled and, uh... The sound of your voice and how you felt in my arms, and, um... Sara : If you let someone in, you'll erase me. You won't. Clay : I can't. Sara : Open the door, clay. Clay... It's okay. On the count of 2. 1...2. Quinn : Hey! Clay : I think you need to go home. Quinn : Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a bad time. Clay : To David. I think you should go home to David. And I'm sorry, too. * load the car and write the note * * grab your bag and grab your coat * AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : I love you so much, my beautiful wife. * tell the ones that need to know * * we are headed north * * one foot in, one foot back * * but it don't pay to live like that * * so I cut the tires, and i jump the tracks * * for never to return * * ah, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in * IN THE BACKSTAGE Rachel : "A team of experts backstage"? Nice touch. So how'd you know she was lying? Dan : He's still my son. I raised him. I know what kind of man he is. Besides... Takes a con to know a con. Rachel : It was a good show. I love you. Dan : Yeah. * with him and her and you and me * * ah, but it's just a waste of time * * yeah, it's such a waste of time * AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : You okay? Brooke : No. I need to know that you feel the same way that I do, that you can...see yourself doing this with me forever, Because if not, what am I doing? What -- what are we doing? What -- Julian : Hey. Brooke : Who are we? Julian : Hey. Look at me. We're us, Brooke. You're the girl I love with all my heart, and I'm the boy who's gonna be with you forever. We don't have to rush into anything. Forever is a very long time. * ah, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in * AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : It's not fair. We were supposed to have more time. Sara : And you still do. I don't want you to be alone, honey. You like her -- Quinn. Why'd you send her away? Clay : I don't want to lose us. Sara : No, you can't erase who we were or what we had. No one can. We burned so bright together. You won't lose that. Clay : I loved you so much, Sara. Sara : You were perfect with me... And you always will be. But now it's time to let go. It's okay, honey. * are you aware of the shape I'm in? * Sara : I love you. * my hands, they shake, my head, it spins * * spins * * ah, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in * * dumbed down and numbed by time and age * * your dreams that catch the world the cage * * the highway sets the traveler's stage * * all exits look the same * * three words that became hard to say * * "I" and "love" and "you" *	Plan: A: Haley; Q: Who is Nathan's girlfriend? A: Dan; Q: Who has invited Renee onto his show? A: the young Scott's dirty laundry; Q: What will Renee air on Dan's show? A: Quinn contemplates; Q: What does Quinn do about her marriage to David? A: dreams; Q: What does Brooke have to admit to Julian about her future plans? A: Clay; Q: Who must deal with his past when Sara comes to town? A: Sara; Q: Who is Clay dealing with in this episode? A: The Avett Brothers; Q: What band did the episode "Sara" come from? Summary: Nathan and Haley are dealing with the fact that Dan has invited Renee onto his show, where she will undoubtedly air out the young Scott's dirty laundry. Quinn contemplates where her marriage with David went wrong, while Brooke has to admit to Julian what her future plans and dreams are. Clay must deal with his past when Sara comes to town. This episode is named after a song and album by The Avett Brothers .
Scene: The Apartment. Raj: Howard's capsule should be re-entering the atmosphere any minute. Leonard: It'll be good to have him back. Raj: The Fantastic Four reunited. Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We'll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard's gym membership. Raj: We're not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends. Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you're the tiebreaker. Leonard: I don't have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store. Sheldon: Well, I don't sell my friendship that cheaply. Stuart: I can go thirty. Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum. Raj: Okay, the NASA Web site says Howard's final descent has begun. Sheldon: He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero. Scene: The Soyuz Capsule. Howard is screaming. Dimitri: Loops, calm down! Howard (singing): Baruch atah, Adonai, Eloheinu. Melech haolam, hamotzi. Lechem min haaretz Mike: What's that? Howard: The Jewish prayer for eating bread! We don't have one for falling out of space! We did it! We're on the ground! We survived! Mike: That was just the parachute. We still have another six miles to go. (Howard screams again) Credits sequence. Scene: The Airport Arrivals Hall. Bernadette: Waiting for my husband. Man in Suit: That's nice. Bernadette: He's coming back from outer space. Man in Suit: I think this flight's coming from Houston. Bernadette: No, I mean, he... Never mind. There he is! Howie! Various others (all at once): Howie! Howie! Howard: Whoa, thank you. Great to be back on Earth. Howie Mandel: Uh, I think they're here for me, Ringo. Man in Suit: Mr. Mandel, I'm your driver. Howie Mandel: Oh, thanks. That nut job was telling everybody on the plane he's an astronaut. Bernadette: I missed you so much. Howard: I missed you, too. Where are the guys? Bernadette: Oh, it's just me. Howard: Oh, I get it. They're waiting back home with a big surprise party. Don't worry, I can act surprised. (Does) Bernadette: No, I told them they could have you tomorrow night. Tonight, you belong to me. (Sneezes) Howard: Gesundheit. You okay? Bernadette: I am now that you're back. Come on, let's go home so I can tear off those little pants. Howard: Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won't be able to celebrate Howard's accomplishment tonight. Amy: Me, too. But we'll see him tomorrow. Sheldon: Yes, it's just that in all the years I've known him, he's never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened. Penny: You're unbelievable. Sheldon: I know. Leonard: All right, Pictionary. What are the teams? Penny: How about boys versus girls? Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I'm not on has a decided disadvantage. Penny: Once again, unbelievable. Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know. Penny: All right, round one. Here. Sheldon: Got it. Penny: Okay. Ready, set, go. Amy: Uh, box? Uh, window? Leonard: Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman. Amy: Uh, gift? Uh, Present! Penny: Present! Yeah! Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that? Leonard: In what universe is that a present? Sheldon: It's not a present, it's the present. Look. There's you and me. There's Penny and Amy. We're playing Pictionary. In the present. Penny: Oh, my God, we're gonna kill them. Later Sheldon: It's a quark-gluon plasma. Leonard: No. Sheldon: It's asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma. Leonard: Nothing with quarks. Sheldon: It's an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe. Leonard: No. Penny: It's a chocolate chip cookie. Amy: Yes. Leonard: How could you miss that? Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it. Leonard: Penny got it. Sheldon: Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You're welcome. Later Leonard: Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog. Amy: Penny, aren't you gonna draw something? Penny: Relax, we got time, this is so fun. Sheldon: There. Leonard: A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don't... Amy: Now? Penny: Soon. Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you. Leonard: I don't know, uh, Casper the alcoholic ghost? Penny: All right, that's enough. (Draws) Amy: Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish? Penny: Yep! Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn't enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth. Penny: Excuse me, the word is polish. See? Small P. Sheldon: Ah. So it is. I guess we both share blame on this one. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's Bedroom. Howard: Bernie, you okay? Bernadette (off): Yeah, I'll be right there. (Hacking and coughing noises) Howard: Did you get a sea lion while I was gone? Bernadette: It's just allergies. Howard: Okay. Bernadette: Took some Benadryl. I'll be fine. So, did you miss me? Howard: Oh. Are you kidding? Every minute of every... Bernadette (has a coughing fit): Ew. Excuse me. Howard: Sweetie, we don't have to do this now. Bernadette: Yes, we do. You left right after we got married. This is like our honeymoon. Now, hold on to your hat. Oh. Uh-oh. Howard: You okay? Bernadette: A little dizzy. Must be the Benadryl. Switch places with me. Howard: Okay. Bernadette: Now, kiss me. (He does. She starts snoring) Howard: Bernadette? Bernie? Bernie? Bernadette (waking suddenly): That was amazing. You made me feel things I never... (starts snoring again) Howard: Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you're always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from? Sheldon: Don't know. Penny: I wonder if it's from, like, ancient Rome where they'd actually chop somebody's ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers. Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill. Leonard: Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It's a pretty well-rounded game. Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can't draw a chocolate chip cookie. Penny: All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything. Sheldon: All right. Let's play Physics Fiesta. Penny: Oh, come on, what is that? Sheldon: It's a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs? Leonard: En el acelerador de particulares. Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo. Penny: No, no, we're not playing some dumb made-up game. Sheldon: All games are made up. They're not found in nature. You don't just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots. Leonard: Just pick another game. Amy: Why don't we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo? Leonard: No good, Sheldon doesn't float. Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown. Amy: All right, let's keep it simple. How about darts? Sheldon: No, that's not fair either. Penny: Why not? Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You've been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age. Leonard: Yeah, that's when it started. Sheldon: Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they're all out. Penny: Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I've won a few, but that's just because I spill when I'm drunk, so... Amy: We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation. Sheldon: No. Leonard: Uh-uh. Penny: I don't think so. Amy: Are you sure? I mean, the nose doesn't light up, but if the corpse is fresh enough, sometimes you can get the leg to jerk. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's House. Howard: Hey, Ma, twinkle, twinkle, your little star is home. Ma, the chain's on the door. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard? I thought I wasn't going to see you till tomorrow. Howard: Yeah, well, Bernie's not feeling well, so I thought I'd stop by, tell you about the greatest adventure of my life, see if you can make me feel bad about it. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, uh, okay, hold on, I'm not decent. Howard: All right. Woman hasn't tied her robe in 20 years. Suddenly she's not decent? Man's Voice (off): You want me to hide in the closet or go out the back? Mrs Wolowitz (off): Shh, you need to whisper. Howard: Ma, who is in there? Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, nobody. The TV is on. Man's Voice (off): I only got one sock. Where's my other sock? Howard: Who is that? Mrs Wolowitz (off): I told you, it's the TV. Jay Leno lost a sock, it's hilarious. Howard: If you're busy, I can come back. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Just give me a second. Go, go, go, go. Howard (to man climbing out window): Dr. Schneider? Dr Schneider: Oh, hello, Howard. Howard: What are you doing here? Dr Schneider: Um, house call. Howard: You're a dentist. Dr Schneider: Yes, yes, I am. I think he's on to us. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo. Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him. Leonard: I'm trying. Don't yell at me. Sheldon: For goodness' sake, he's wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt. Leonard: I know what he looks like. Amy: Oh, there he is, I got him. Penny: Yes, we win again. Sheldon: How could you not find him? Leonard: Because he's hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There's Waldo. Later. Penny and Sheldon have their foreheads on light sabres and are spinning. Leonard: 57, 58, 59, that's one minute. Amy: Long division, long division. Go, go, go. Leonard: Remember, show your work. Sheldon: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm not okay. Leonard: Get up, we can't lose at math. Penny: 37. Amy: Yes. Later Amy: Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin. Penny: Mwah! Sheldon: Stop that. Penny: Mwah! Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it. Scene: Raj's apartment. Howard: One to beam aboard? Raj: Oh, my God, you're back. Oh, look at you. You, you look like you grew. Howard: Yeah. The lack of gravity did decompress my spine, so I'm like an inch and a half taller. I'm going to the DMV tomorrow to get my license changed before I shrink back. Raj: Oh, uh, come in, come in. Oh, I, uh, I didn't think I was going to get to see you until tomorrow. Howard: Yeah, well, Bernadette's a little under the weather and my mom's kind of under my dentist. Raj: Wait, your, your mother is sleeping with your dentist? Howard: Former dentist. I need a new one now that I know where his hands have been. Raj: So you're wandering all around by yourself? That's not the kind of hero's welcome an astronaut should come home to. Howard: It's okay, you know, we space cowboys don't do what we do for glory and fame. We leave that to your rock stars and your athletes and your Howie Mandels. Stuart: Oh, hey, man, welcome back. Howard: Oh, Stuart, thanks. What are you doing here? Stuart: I, I kind of live here now. Raj: Just until he gets back on his feet, which are looking pretty good in the boots I bought him for his birthday. Stuart: Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it. Howard: Wow, so you guys are like buds now? Raj: Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Stuart: Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend. Raj: It's like we both had these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes. Stuart: Uh, that sounds a little funny to an American ear. Raj: Which part? Stuart: Just all of it. Howard: Okay, so what do you guys got going on tonight? Stuart: Raj is taking me to the Sound of Music sing-along. Howard: Sound of Music sing-along? That used to be our thing, but that's cool. Raj: Oh, Howard, it's still our thing. Come with us, we'll, we'll get you a scalped ticket. Howard: So I'd be sitting by myself? Raj: We'll switch. You'll come sit with me after intermission. Stuart: So I, I, I'd be sitting by myself during Edelweiss? Howard: No, no, you guys go. Have fun. Raj: Okay, uh, will I get to see you tomorrow? Howard: Absolutely. See you, Stuart. Stuart: Yeah, yeah. Is he taller? Howard: At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window. Scene: The apartment. Penny: All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins. Amy: On the count of three. One, two... Sheldon: Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants. Leonard: So? Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants? Leonard: Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face. Sheldon: That's rude. Amy: One, two, three, eat. Howard: Hey, guys, guess who's back from space. All: Not now! Sheldon: Oh, ow, blueberry in my nose, blueberry in my nose! Leonard: Snort it down and keep eating! Scene: A diner. Waitress: You look familiar. Howard: I don't think so. Waitress: Yeah, I just saw you on the news. You're an astronaut. Howard: Yes. Yes, I am. Waitress: Good for you. How about a piece of cheesecake on the house? Howard: Oh, thank you so much. I've been having the worst night. I just got back, and my friends don't care, my wife's sick, I went to my mom... Waitress: You want the cheesecake or not? Howard: Yes, please. (Sings) And I think it's gonna be long, long time till touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home, oh, no, oh, no, I'm a rocket man. (Sneezes) Perfect.	Plan: A: Penny; Q: Who says she can beat the boys at anything? A: Pictionary; Q: What game do Sheldon and Leonard lose to Penny and Amy? A: the women; Q: Who do Sheldon and Leonard challenge to a series of games? A: a series; Q: How many games do Sheldon and Leonard challenge Penny and Amy to? A: the girls; Q: Who beats the boys in a series of games? A: Howard; Q: Who is shocked to discover his mother having an affair with his dentist? A: only Bernadette; Q: Who greets Howard at the airport? A: the airport; Q: Where does Bernadette greet Howard when he returns to Earth? A: Howie Mandel; Q: Who is the only person who believes Howard is an astronaut? A: The couple; Q: Who goes to Bernadette's apartment to enjoy their "honeymoon"? A: her cold; Q: What did Bernadette take Benadryl for? A: his home; Q: Where does Howard go after Bernadette falls asleep? A: Raj's apartment; Q: Where does Stuart stay after Howard leaves Bernadette's apartment? A: Stuart; Q: Who is Raj's new best friend? A: their contest; Q: What are Leonard, Sheldon, Penny and Amy engaged in? A: a diner; Q: Where does Howard end up alone after Leonard and Sheldon shoo him away? A: a waitress; Q: Who gives Howard a free pie in a diner? A: the news; Q: Where did the waitress recognize Howard from? Summary: After they lose badly to Penny and Amy at Pictionary and Penny declares she can beat them at anything, Sheldon and Leonard challenge the women to a series of games and the girls proceed to easily defeat the boys each time. Meanwhile, Howard returns to Earth and expects a grand welcome from friends and public, but only Bernadette greets him at the airport, the grand public welcome being reserved for Howie Mandel, who was on the plane with him and doesn't believe that Howard is actually an astronaut. The couple go to Bernadette's apartment to enjoy their "honeymoon" which is cut short when Bernadette quickly falls asleep, having taken Benadryl for her cold. Howard leaves for his home, where he is shocked to discover his mother having an affair with his (now former) dentist. At Raj's apartment he finds Stuart now stays with Raj and has replaced him as Raj's best friend, both even planning to go to a Sound of Music singalong, something he used to only do with Howard. He leaves for Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, but immediately exits when Leonard, Sheldon, Penny and Amy, still engaged in their contest, shoo him away. He finally ends up alone in a diner, where a waitress recognizes him from the news and gives him a free piece of pie. However, as he starts eating, he sneezes and realizes he caught Bernadette's cold.
Casey : Oh, I asked for a Sumatra with a splash of soy, not a latte with whole. Rebecca : You don't want me to get fat, do you? Casey : get Rebecca : what Casey : Question: If I wanted to leak a s*x video onto the Internet,could I do that straight from my phone? Cappie : Nothing starts the day off right like that first cup of joe. After all, your first is always the best, don't you agree? - The one that's most special. Casey : - The one you can never avoid. Cappie :The one you can never forget. Beaver : You guys are way into your coffee. Pardon, I spy a tasty morning muffin. (To Rebecca)Top of the morning, Muffin. Casey : Ready to get slaughtered by Lambda Sigs? Cappie :You're forgetting that we have The Beaver, the number one recruit for CRU football. Casey : And the Lambda Sigs have numbers two through 30. Cappie :Never discount the underdog. Rebecca :Here you go. Try this. Casey : Um... I think I want an iced coffee. Cappie : Might I recommend a Cappie-ccino? Casey : Go play your sports. Rusty : Hey, Cap. Cappie : Spitter! Is that you? Rusty: Yeah, hi.Do you think I can get a chance to play? I'm ready, I've been practicing. Cappie: Can you see those huge guys out there with the sticks? Rusty: Yeah. Cappie: Good, because I can't,which might be a sign of a concussion. Wait, there they are. Be right back. Beaver: Can't get past their new goalie. Guy's a machine. Cappie: Come on, Beav. Kappa Taus never say die. Evan: The Kappa Taus are dead. Looks like we're gonna be going up against the Lambda Sigs next. O'Toole, will you do me a favor and do some recon work on that goalie? Casey: As athletic support liaison for Omega Chi,it's my job to solicit ideas on how I can effectively support you. Evan: OK. Casey: Bake cookies? Paint signs? How about a pep rally? Evan: How about just this? Casey: Good, 'cause I hate baking cookies. Frannie: I mean, how hard is it to embroider "ZBZ Hearts Omega Chi" on a polo? Rebecca: I could make some calls for you. Frannie: Oh, Casey'll figure it out. She's always my point for special projects. Rebecca: Could I put my name into the mix for an assignment? Frannie: Oh, sweetie, pledges don't get assignments. Rebecca: I was thinking you might make an exception, considering my experience and my dad's house in Jackson Hole. Could be fun for a committee retreat. Frannie: I do look really good après-ski. Let me ponder. Rebecca: What's the story with the scruffy Kappa Tau who looks like Rob Thomas? He was talking to Casey... Rebecca: Oh, God, he just can't get over it. Casey made the mistake of dating Cappie freshman year. He's ridiculous, has no discernible goals. We considered withholding her activation because of that unholy alliance. Luckily, she came to her senses and dumped him. Rebecca: I love learning about my Big Sis. Cappie: Time out! All right. We're down three goals. There's a minute left. Only one thing we can do. Start drinking now. This game's over. Pledge. Pledge: Yes, sir. Cappie: All fours, please. Thank you. Hey, Rudy. Hop in, don't die. Rusty: OK, you got it. KTT: You the man, Spitter. Casey: They're putting Rusty in? Evan: Oh, this should be good. Casey: Oh it's going to be bad. Very, very bad. Rusty: Hey, I think we met on Rush Night. Lambda Sig: Great, you ready for pain? Rusty: Is that a trick question? Casey: Is it over? Evan: Oh, yeah. Wade: Nice going, Spitter. You just scored against your own team. Cappie: They really should mark those. Ref: I said, take off the mask! The Lambda Sigs are disqualified for the improper use of a professional athlete: Marty McSorley. The Kappa Taus will play the Omega Chis! Man: On your feet, Pledge Owens! Calvin: Dad? Dad: Unbelievable. Twenty-two years, this place hasn't changed. Of course, we did a better job of keeping it clean, but you goats'll learn. Calvin: What are you doing here? Dad: Uh, I believe that's my line. I've been at college four weeks. Calvin: Are you suffering from invasion of privacy withdrawal? Dad: it's the first weekend of the IM sports season. I thought I'd come watch you play. Imagine my surprise when I went to the gym and you were nowhere. Calvin: I guess I forgot. Dad: You loved hockey in high school. Calvin: Our agreement required me to pledge your fraternity, all right? That's all. Dad: So, uh... do they know? Calvin: Nope. And I'm not planning on telling them. Dad: Wait. This couldn't be the same chair. I was dating this ZBZ, uh, Hilary... what's-her-face. Calvin: Dad. Dad: I won't get into details... Calvin: Let's just stop right there. Dad: All right. Beaver: We'll drink your beer Then steal your girl Rebecca: Singing Beaver. Now I've seen everything. Beaver: Muffin! I missed you. Rebecca: Tell me about you. The Kappa Taus. Cappie. Beaver: Kappa Taus win. Evan: On a technicality. Shocker. Cappie: Don't worry. We'll beat you gals fair and square. Evan: Like you've beaten us at anything. Cappie: One word. Beer Pong. Evan: You are a joke! You know that? Beaver: And you're a jerk-off. Cappie: It's all right, Beaver. I mean, if Spitter can take him down with a paddle, I can take care of myself. Evan: Too bad you couldn't take care of Casey. Cappie: Now why'd you have to go? Beaver: He took care of her. All night long during Rush. Cappie: Down, Beav! Evan: I'll see you on the court. Casey: I bought a ton of stuff to rally the Omega Chis. Pledge Rebecca, would you unload my car, please? Rebecca: I'll let you two talk first. Frannie: Come sit. Let's chat. Lemonade? Casey: Sure. Frannie: Now that the game is going to be between the Omega Chis and the Kappa Taus, I have some concerns about our athletic support program. Casey: Wow. That's some lemonade. Frannie: I feel like this is my fault, even though it isn't. When I told you to even the score with Evan, I meant go find some cute barista without a last name,not your skeezy ex. Casey: What are you talking about? Frannie: Rebecca heard it from The Beaver. Apparently he announced it after the game... in front of everyone. Including Evan. Casey: Oh, God. Frannie: She felt awful telling me, but she did it to protect you. And us. There's a potential conflict of interest. Casey: Wait, are you questioning my loyalty? Frannie: I'm not, sweetie. But it's about outside perception. So I have decided to have Rebecca replace you as athletic support liaison until this whole thing blows over. Casey: She's a pledge. Frannie: She has great ideas to take it to the next level. Casey: But she's a pledge. You're replacing me with a pledge? Frannie: Casey, let me impart for a sec. An important aspect of being a leader is the ability to manage your mistakes. Remember when Cheney shot that man? He went underground for a couple days in a bunker, laid low and before you know it, the guy he shot was apologizing to him. Genius, right? Casey: Yes, but... Frannie: I'm just trying to help you. Please, for your own good, go underground. Rusty: I was thinking, maybe I can be more useful on defense. Cappie: It's a big game. Bigger than all of us. The classic battle between good and Evan. Beer Pong started a winning streak against the Omega Chis that I'm ready to defend to the death. Rusty: I did win at Beer Pong. Cappie: Absolutely, you're the MVP of Beer Pong. But we gotta put our good guys in this time around to destroy Evan Chambers. Rusty: I know Evan's a jerk, but what'd he do to you? Cappie: We go way back. I've hated Evan for almost two years now, since we roomed together freshman year. Rusty: What happened freshman year? Cappie: Long story. You understand that kicking Evan's ass can only mean good things, so that's what we have to do. Rusty: I want to help. Cappie: Spitter, do you know the most important part of any athletic organization? Rusty: Morale? Cappie: Hydration. Rusty: You want me to be the water boy? Cappie: Team hydration facilitator. Remember, it's not what your fraternity can do for you, but what you can't do for your fraternity. And you just cannot play floor hockey. Rusty: It's what you can do for your fraternity. It's affirmative. Cappie: That's the spirit! Evan :The Kappa Taus aren't as much of a threat as the Lambda Sigs, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't bring our best game. That is why I've asked our distinguished alum Coach Roger Owens to help us train. Yeah, coach. Roger Owens: Thank you. Whether it's the Rose Bowl or intramurals, the story's the same. A team wins because everyone is on the same page. A team is only as strong as each individual player, which is why I'd like to tell you a little bit about my son, Pledge Owens. Calvin: Uh... Father Owens? Can I talk to you for a second? Roger: Trust me, you don't need to hide who you are. Gentlemen, my son has a secret he needs to share. Calvin: No, I don't. Roger: It's OK, Calvin. These walls are sacred. Calvin's not just an ordinary pledge. He's different. Calvin : Dad! Roger: Calvin is... an all-state hockey player. You got to put him on the team! Casey: So, does it need some glitter? Rebecca: I was kind of going with a pink and green theme. Something more like this. Wait, that's not right. Casey: Hey, Little Sis, can I have a word? Rebecca: What's up, Big Sis? Casey: Think you can come between Frannie and me... Rebecca: I feel for you. Frannie appointed me because she couldn't trust you. I'm doing what Frannie feels is best for Zeta Beta. Casey: You didn't want to come in the first place. Rebecca: But I'm here now, because of you. Ironic, isn't it? I've spent the past 18 years of my life as the dutiful daughter of my father's political machine. Time I start a machine of my own. Who knows, maybe I'll be the youngest president this sorority's ever seen. Casey: Beware of the limelight, Little Sis. You've got a couple skeletons in your closet. Rebecca: Oops! I'm not leaving, Big Sis. And I'm not afraid to play dirty. Evan: It must've been tough having your dad as your coach. Calvin: Yeah. He's pretty hardcore. Evan: I feel you. I used to hate when my dad even came to my soccer games. No matter how well I played, it was never enough. So I took up cross-country. The meets were so boring he lost interest. And I haven't touched a soccer ball since. Calvin: So you'll understand if I decide not to play? Evan: No, man! Are you crazy? I am putting you on every sports team we have until you finish grad school or your knees blow out. Calvin: Anything for the brothers. Evan: I like your attitude, pledge. Rusty: You're practically a professional hockey player. Why didn't you ever mention it? Calvin: You didn't ask. It's not that big of a deal. Rusty: Yeah, but you were a jock. People cheered for you. No one cheers for you when you solve a Vogel-Fulcher-Tammann equation. Except my mom. Dale: Last chance to join me for the most fantastic Left Behind party ever. Rusty: No, thanks. Calvin: You sit around and read the books? Dale: We also, you know, interpret signs from current events and try to predict the end of days and order a delicious pizza. Calvin: I'll catch the next one. Dale: The next one may be in heaven, so you make sure you're on that list. Rusty: I have got to live at the Kappa Tau house next semester. Calvin: Yeah, you know, then you can fetch your bros water 24-7. Rusty: It's only because we're playing against Evan. Otherwise, they would give me a chance. Calvin: You really think so? This whole brotherhood thing, I'm not so sure I buy it. Casey: Do I get girlfriend points for going to see a movie called Hot Rod? Evan: Yeah, 'cause I am definitely in the mood for a comedy. What? Casey: Can we please talk about this? It's not like you didn't know it was Cappie. I mean, you knew, right? Evan: Yeah, I knew it was him. But I didn't know that everyone else on campus knew. Casey: It's not everyone on campus. I guess one or two Kappa Taus saw me leave the next morning. Evan: Couldn't be discreet? Casey: Hooking up with Rebecca in a rush party didn't exactly go unnoticed. Casey: Look, I'm sorry, Case, but when I think about you and Cappie, I kind of lose my mind. I thought all this was behind us. Casey: It was. Until Frannie started doubting my loyalty to Omega Chi, took me off athletic support and... brought this whole thing up again. Are you doubting me too? Evan: I'm gonna get some popcorn. I'll meet you inside. Rusty: I thought you wanted to meet for brunch. Casey: What? Coffee. Doughnut. Brunch. Rusty: It doesn't matter. I'm not very hungry anyway. So, what's up with you? Casey: I don't want to talk about it. I mean, Evan and I had the worst date ever last night. Hot Rod: hilarious. The date with Evan: Not so funny. Rusty: What's going on with you two? Casey: Never mind, it's too complicated. You make one mistake and suddenly, like, everybody doubts you and forgets everything good and loyal you've ever done. Rusty: Um, should I know what that means? Casey: Like I said, it's complicated. Rusty: Fine. My turn. I've been benched. Cappie's not letting me play hockey, which is like a flashback to being ten years old and the worst in little league. Casey: Not like they're perfect. Rusty: Well, they're definitely better than I am. And they have no right to sidelinea person based on assumptions. Not entirely assumptions. I scored for the other team. Casey: So why let them set the terms? Rusty: Yeah, you're right. I didn't join a fraternity to be a water boy. I joined to be part of it. Give them proof. Get in the driver's seat. Rusty: OK. Casey: I got to go. Rusty: OK. Thanks. Casey: Don't mention it. Doughnuts are on me. Rebecca: I just wanted to do a little something to thank you for all your team spirit this week. Ashleigh: Tiffany mesh bangles. Frannie: Very impressive, Rebecca. Rebecca: Wait until you see the T-shirts we made. So cute. Casey: Wow, homemade T-shirts. That is impressive. Rebecca: Thanks, Big Sis. Casey: For a pledge. But if you really want to win, you have to be serious. You have to be willing to play dirty. Right, Becks? Posters and T-shirts? That's great if this were 1985 and we all had feathered hair. But I straighten my hair, Rebecca, because I'm serious. So let's stop playing around. Frannie: Casey, what are you doing out of your bunker? Casey: I've got a plan that guarantees the Omega Chis win the game. But it's not going to be easy. It's going to require that you wear the sexiest, sluttiest,sweetest outfits you own. Ashleigh: Oh, my God, I'm totally in! Dale: Did we have physics homework? Rusty: No. I'm learning to play hockey. Dale: That won't work. Rusty: It has to. Physics explains everything. If I don't have the skills to play the sport, my brain can definitely make up for it. Dale: Interesting choice using Drew's Theory of Friction. Rusty: With Euclidean Quantum Field Theory. Dale: Don't forget... All right. Rusty: I'm on it. Dale : You know, this just might work. Rusty, me, you, we could change the very nature of sports. Take back playgrounds and fields and courts and rinks from the gifted. The future could be ours. Rusty:I just want to play intramurals. Dale: Yeah, today intramurals, but tomorrow the world. Rusty: If I line up here, taking into account the slant of the incline, the height of the goal and the rate of my metabolism... Dale: I told you, it's 73 degrees! Rusty: This is hopeless. I can't do this. Dale: Work with motion capture again. Rusty: This is stupid. There's a reason nobody has taken back playgrounds. Dale: It's physically impossible. Rusty: Wait... If we recalculated diameter of the ball in relation to the stick... No, I'm done. We can't turn ourselves into athletes. Einstein probably sucked at floor hockey too. Casey: Hey, boys. Want to party? Beaver: Yeah! Cappie: Slow down, Eager Beaver. Beware of hot Greeks bearing gifts. Beaver: Huh? Cappie: Methinks we find ourselves confronted by a very attractive Trojan Horse. We invite you in, you get us drunk, we lose the game tomorrow. The Kappa Taus will not succumb to such obvious trickery. Rebecca: So much for straight hair. Casey: Are you seriously turning this down? Cappie: I'm doing better than that. I'm imposing a two-drink limit! Don't use the upstairs bathroom. Please. Thank you. Frannie: OK, how did you know they couldn't count past two? Casey: We threw booze and girls into the equation. Frannie: I just hope I haven't exposed myself to herpes for nothing. Casey: Trust me. Frannie: OK. Beaver: I knew you'd come back to me. Rebecca: We need to get you deodorant. Casey: Good work, pledge. He's a great player, so it's your job to make sure he gets extra attention. Frannie: Hands! No one's allowed back in the house until they've been disinfected. Ashleigh: This is fun! We have to do this with every house on campus! And we could wear different theme outfits... Casey: How are we doing in here? Ashleigh: On their sixth round of cement mixers. Casey: Just to be clear, we're trying to slow them down, not kill them. OK? Ashleigh: Fine. Cappie: You've been avoiding me. Casey: Where's Rusty tonight? Cappie: Not here. We're all alone. Casey: So are you gonna let him play? Cappie: Shh! Let's not talk about family. Casey: How about boyfriends? Because I have a boyfriend. Cappie: Whose ass is gonna be grass tomorrow. What do you see in that tool anyway? Casey: I happen to like nice guys. Cappie: I'm nice guys. Casey: No, you're not. You're... ...drunk. [SCENE_BREAK] Roger: What happened to you? Calvin: I pulled my hammy in practice. I think I'm gonna have to sit this one out. Roger: Go to student health? Calvin : Nothing they could do. Good luck today. Go Omega Chi. Go ahead. I'll meet you at the gym. All right. Roger: What the hell are you doing? Calvin: What I wanted to do in the first place. Roger: You gonna let your brothers down? Calvin: Dad, you said all I had to do was join your fraternity and you'd pay for college. I'm doing your guy thing, everything else, in my opinion, is non-negotiable. Roger: Did you think I wanted you to pledge because it would make you a man? Calvin: Didn't you? Roger: I wanted you to pledge this house because some of the great friendshipsof my life started here. My brothers got me through some tough times. They helped me start my career,stood up with me at my wedding... Roger: Gays can't get married, remember? Roger: What about one of those, uh, commitment ceremonies? Oh, what are we calling it now, um, civil union partnerships? Calvin: Dad. That's not the point, all right? Roger: Have you told anyone here? Calvin: No. Roger: Son, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Calvin: I'm not ashamed. And I'm great with being gay. It's just how everyone else reacts that sucks. When I came out in high school, I went from being "Calvin Owens" to "that gay hockey player-guy. " And I'm more than that. And this is my chance to start fresh, on my own terms. So I'll tell who I want, when I want. But to be honest, Dad, it's not the most interesting thing about me. Roger: Look, play, don't play, that's up to you. I don't want you to miss out on what I got from this experience. Some pretty amazing friends. Rusty: Water boy reporting for duty. You guys, the game starts in 20 minutes! Beaver? Hey, are you OK? Beaver: Muffin... Devil. Rusty: Cap. Cap. Calvin: So where do you want me, coach? Coach: Get out there and show them what you got, Pledge Owens. Calvin: Yeah. Coach: It's about time, guys. Rusty: What are you doing here? Dale: Risking my soul to tell you we forgot to factor in torque due to perspiration and weight differential of water loss, which changes everything. Rusty: I don't have time. I'm not even playing. Dale: Listen. This is bigger than you. We started something. I expect you to finish it. It wasn't 73 degrees, Rusty. It was 78. Do you hear what I'm saying? It's 78! We had it all wrong. Take back the gym, Rusty. For all of us. Casey: Don't you want your good luck kiss? Evan: Must be tired of coming in second to me. Cappie: You know what makes it easier? Knowing I'll always be her first. Frannie: Oh, that was awesome! Who knew sports could be so fun? Casey: Definitely. Frannie: Congratulations, Casey. Your plan was creative, effective and very dirty. Cheney would be proud. Casey: Thanks. Ashleigh: Calvin is amazing. And he's kind of hot. Is it just me? Calvin: You can get off me now. Heath: Right, sorry. Call me later? Beaver: Maybe we should call it, Cap. Cappie: I'm over here, dude. Maybe we should throw in the towel. Rusty: No, you can't give up. Isn't this game bigger than both of us? Isn't this about kicking ass? Isn't this about "good versus Evan?" Cappie: He's right. You may not be feeling well. Some of you are even still drunk. But I see before me a team of Kappa Taus, playing in defiance of tyranny. You've come to fight as free men, and free men you are. Will you fight? Aye. Fight and you may die. Run and you may live, at least a while. Beaver: It hurts real bad, Cap. Cappie: Drunk people don't feel pain! And neither do Scotsmen. We may be puking, but Omega Chis are not used to running on puke like we are. And Rusty here... Look at him. Just a nice kid from Cleveland. Rusty: Chicago. Cappie: And I know that when he's dying in his bed many years from now, he'll be willing to trade all his days, from this day, for one chance. Rusty: I'm actually fine. Cappie: Just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never be able to take our freedom! Cappie: If he's dead, do we win automatically? Omega Chi: Dude, Owens, nice play out there, man. I can't believe you almost weren't gonna play with us this year. Calvin: Yeah, I'm kind of regretting missing the first game. Omega Chi: Look at that guy, can't take a hit. What a freaking queer. Rusty: Come on, Beav. Cappie: Is he dead? Rusty: He's still breathing. I've got to find adrenaline or something. Ref: So are you playing somebody else? I need a decision. Let's go. Cappie: We'll play a man down. Evan: Hey, what about your water boy? I bet he wants to play. Cappie: You know what? That's a great idea. Suit up, Spitter. You're going in. Rusty: I can't do this. I'm telling you, I practiced, I studied, none of it mattered. I suck! I'm not kidding! Cappie: Spitter. Do you know what separates a sucky athlete from a great one? This. Rusty: Upper-body strength? Cappie: Your heart. Now grab your stick and be a Kappa Tau. Oh, and Rusty? If you get the ball, go that way. Rusty: Please don't hit it to me. Casey: Please don't hit it to him. Cappie: Spitter, run! Rusty: Let the dork up. Equipment penalty for not wearing a cup? Which makes us lose the game. That's just ridiculous.The worst ref ever. Cappie: Because you forgot to protect them, doesn't mean you don't got them. Evan: Omega! Rusty: I'm sorry I let you down. Cappie: I'm sorry I was so blinded by my desire to win,I completely forgot what being a Kappa Tau is all about. Rusty: Brotherhood? Cappie: Drinking and hot chicks. That was one hell of a shot, though. Rusty: Maybe it was luck. Or chance. Or science. I don't know. I just know I'm not good at athletics and I don't have to be. Cappie: No, you don't. Now come on, Spitter. Let's get you a drink you can swallow. Barkeep. Casey: Where's Beaver? Rebecca: Where's Cappie? Ashleigh: Where's my drink? Frannie: Uh, Pledge Rebecca,can you get me a glass? Thanks. Cappie: Ladies, just wanted to say thank you for the party favors last night. Most enjoyable. Ashleigh: Thank us? But we sabotaged you. I can't believe I just said "sabotage" Maybe I am learning French. Cappie: We would have won,if not for the tragic technicality. And the cement mixers. Casey: It was a pretty dirty trick. Cappie: I'm a big boy. I can handle it, Case. Ashleigh: Sorry, Cappie, we're Omega Chi girls, remember? Bye. Cappie: It's kind of nice when the good guys win, don't you think? Rusty: Not quite the same when you win because I wasn't wearing a cup. I'm just saying. Evan: Hey, thanks for the athletic support. Casey: Can you believe Frannie doubted me? Evan: She would have to be crazy. Casey: And you know what? I bet she feels like a jackass for it. All's forgiven. Calvin: There's always rugby in the spring. Rusty: I think I'm going into early retirement. Calvin: There are certain things you have to accept about yourself. I'm good at table sports and I just suck at hockey. Rusty: Yeah. Calvin: And I'm gay. Rusty: Right. Calvin: Oh. Rusty: Yeah. Calvin: I knew this gay guy once. Well, it wasn't that he was once gay. I knew him. Once. And he was gay. He is gay. Are you OK? You're having a little mouth spasm. Rusty: Yeah, I just know that this is a big moment. Calvin: And I have no clue what to say. What are you thinking? Rusty: Well, I think I should let you know that I'm OK with it. Calvin: Which I am. But then in my head I'm just like, you know, "way to be presumptuous, Rusty. " Rusty: We're friends. It's not like you need to get my permission to be gay. We are who we are. Right? Calvin: Right. Rusty: So does everyone else know but me? Calvin: Actually, no one hereat school knows but you. Rusty: Wow. Are you gonna tell your Omega Chi brothers? Calvin: Uh... Well, it's one thing at a time. I just, uh... I just want to get through pledging first. It's good to know that I have at least one brother for sure.	Plan: A: the intramural floor hockey finals; Q: What are Omega Chi and Kappa Tau competing in? A: Casey's loyalties; Q: What is in question when Casey's night with Cappie during rush is revealed? A: Rusty; Q: Who desperately wants to play for the Kappa Tau's? A: science; Q: What does Rusty and Dale try to use to overcome his lack of coordination? A: success; Q: What does Rusty and Dale's attempt to overcome Rusty's lack of coordination end up without? A: Calvin's reluctant; Q: What is Calvin's reaction to playing for the Omega Chi's? A: coach; Q: What is Calvin's father's role in the Omega Chi's? A: high school; Q: Where did Calvin come out? Summary: Omega Chi and Kappa Tau are head to head in the intramural floor hockey finals, and Casey's loyalties are in question once her night with Cappie during rush is revealed. Meanwhile, Rusty desperately wants to play for the Kappa Tau's, so he and Dale join forces in an attempt to use science to overcome his lack of coordination, without success. Calvin's reluctant to play for the Omega Chi's, despite his father's role as coach, as it brings up unhappy memories of coming out in high school.
Opens with stock footage of Washington, DC at night. Pan to a wall (presumably at Langley) with five pointed stars engraved in it with the heading: "In honor of those members of the Central Intelligence Agency who gave their lives in the service of their country" As the camera pans down, we see what appears to be a workman who is just finishing engraving or cleaning one of the stars. From the side, we see Vaughn, dressed in a black suit, approach the wall, watching the workman's progress. As he watches, we hear a voice that we assume is a memory playing inside of Vaughn's head: VOICE: On behalf of the Central Intelligence Agency, a grateful nation thanks you for your father's sacrifice. This star on the wall is in some ways too small a gesture. The workman finishes, picks up his work bag and walks away as Vaughn walks over to stand in front of the star the workman was working on, as if perhaps it's the one that belongs to his father. The voice in his memory continues to speak as he stares at the star. VOICE: Bill Vaughn dedicated his life in service and commitment for his country. His death in the line of duty is a tragedy for his loving wife and his young son. At this point, Vaughn leans closer to the wall, as if he notices something amiss with his father's star. He reaches forward and touches inside the crevice created by the carving, and his finger comes away covered in black grime. He looks over his shoulder to ensure he is alone and not watched, then he reaches into a back pocket and pulls out a large pocket knife. He opens it and starts trying to scrape the black gunk out of the star's carving. As he sees more gunk come out of the hole, Vaughn starts to dig and stab at the hole. Plaster starts coming away from the wall as Vaughn's movements become stronger, almost frenzied. The star has been completely mutilated as Vaughn digs a larger and larger hole in the wall behind it. Franticly, the camera cuts between the hole getting larger and Vaughn digging and yanking at the wall until the whole is large enough for his entire face. He stops to look inside the hole...and an arm pops out of the hole and starts to strangle him. Smash cut to Vaughn sitting upright in bed, breathing heavily as he wakes from an obvious nightmare. After a moment, he lays back in bed again. We see Sydney still asleep beside him. He looks at her for a moment, but doesn't wake her. Then he stares off at the ceiling, trying to get a grip on his rattled emotions. Cut to YAKUTIA NUCLEAR POWER PLANT, SIBERIA (daytime stock footage of power plant). Cut to the interior, where an unconscious man is being dragged up a set of metal stairs by two other men. The man is dragged into a room and dropped on the floor, watched by two other men outside the chamber, which has a plexiglass window facing the room. The unconscious man is shot in the neck with a drug and the man dressed in a lab coat like a coctor motions for the two men to leave the room. DOCTOR (in Russian): Go, get out of the chamber. The men leave and the door to the room shuts tight behind them. DOCTOR (in Russian over intercom): Bring the reactor online. Cut to a person in a radiation suit, who pulls a nuclear fuel rod out of its holder and places it in the reactor chamber. Cut back to the doctor, who pushes a button on the console in front of him. A recorded message in a female voice says in Russian: VOICE: Thirty seconds. The camera pans to a computer screen in the console that says "Nightingale" as part of its title. Cut to man in room, now beginning to awaken. The doctor and the 2nd man watch as the man begins to stir and stand up. The man is dressed as if possibly in a prisoner's uniform. MAN (in Russian): What is this? What is this? Cut to the console as we see it charging up. The doctor pushes another button. Behind the man in the room, some kind of nuclear coil is exposed. VOICE (in Russian): Twenty seconds. The man goes over to look at the coil and his fear and confusion are palpable. MAN (in Russian): What... The doctor and the 2nd man watch and then the doctor pushes another button. The room is now illuminated in red and the secondary coil begins to glow. (It also emits sounds that remind me of the Rambaldi device from "Firebomb") MAN (in Russian): Somebody...Can you hear me? What is this? The doctor and 2nd man watch in silence. The man continues to babble as the voice counts down, VOICE (in Russian): Three. Two. One. There is a series of very bright lights that emit from the coil and the man screams in pain (again, reminiscent of the "Firebomb" device). As we watch, the man's face almost writhes beneath his skin, transforming his appearance grotesquely. He has become a monster of his former self and blood is dripping from his ears, then his mouth as his fist makes squishing sounds as he pounds against the glass. DOCTOR (in Russian to 2nd man): I think you understand the power of Nightingale. The 2nd man cannot quite watch as the man inside the room continues to mutate into something almost unrecognizable as a human, groaning and pounding against the glass until he slides downward, dead. DOCTOR (in Russian to 2nd man): Your investment should prove to be quite lucrative. Cut to stock footage of beachfront near Syd's place. Cut to Vaughn, dressed in work shirt, sitting at the breakfast bar reading the newspaper. Syd walks up to him from inside the kitchen area and pours him a cup of coffee. SYDNEY: Did you see the front page? Vaughn reaches over and plops it down in front of Sydney. VAUGHN: Yeah...here you go. SYDNEY: Thank you. Sydney pours herself a cup of coffee and opens up the paper to read, standing on the inside of the breakfast bar. VAUGHN (not looking up from his newspaper): (sigh) So, Laughton called me back from CIA Archives... Sydney looks up in surprise. SYDNEY: About Nightingale? VAUGHN: Yeah. SYDNEY: When? VAUGHN: Yesterday morning. SYDNEY: Why didn't you tell me? VAUGHN: I was going to...he, uh...didn't find anything. Sydney's face registers the disappointment in Vaughn's voice. Encouragingly, she replies, SYDNEY: We'll keep looking. Vaughn half smiles and looks back to his newspaper for a moment, then abruptly gets up instead. VAUGHN: I should get dressed. Sydney watches Vaughn thoughtfully for a moment before following him into the bedroom. Cut to Vaughn, who is looking through what is obviously his own drawer in Sydney's dresser. SYDNEY: There could be a hundred reasons your father didn't register "Nightingale" with the CIA... VAUGHN: Yeah, I know... (turns toward Sydney) Uh, listen...have you seen my jacket anywhere? Sydney looks for Vaughn's jacket. SYDNEY: I mean, it's a setback, but...there are people we can talk to... VAUGHN (turning away from the dresser. He seems flustered, a bit out of sorts): No. No, there aren't. Sydney hands Vaughn his jacket. He immediately starts looking around again. VAUGHN: Keys...Where the hell are my keys...? SYDNEY (fetching his keys from the bedside table): We could bring it to APO...They might be able to help us track... Cut to Vaughn, putting his jacket on and straightening the collar. VAUGHN (cutting Sydney off): We're not bringing this to APO. The last thing I want is Sloane knowing I was investigating my father's death and him using that against me. SYDNEY (tossing Vaughn his keys): We don't know your father's dead. VAUGHN: Yeah...at this point I do. SYDNEY: After all the progress you've made, how can you just...? VAUGHN (cutting Sydney off): "How can I just..." what!? What have I got? Some...journals in his handwriting that shouldn't even exist? And a word? One word. Nightingale. What the hell does that even mean? Some random woman mentioned it to me... I would have been better off asking for the goose that layed golden eggs. SYDNEY (quietly firm): It wasn't some "random woman"...She was the woman who raised Nadia. Vaughn looks away and pinches his nose in frustration. SYDNEY: I wanna get to the bottom of this as badly as you do. We always thought my mother killed your father...but what if we were wrong? What if there was some other plan? Vaughn, looking a bit calmer now, gives Sydney just a ghost of a smile. Cut to the APO sign, then cut to Jack, sitting in front of a laptop in his office inside APO. He looks up as there is a knock and Sydney enters. SYDNEY: Do you have a minute? JACK: Certainly. Sydney walks in and stands in front of the desk. SYDNEY: I need to ask a favor. I was wondering if I could use your Level 6 clearance to look at some files. JACK (puzzled, a bit wary): In reference to what? SYDNEY: They're not for me...it's...They're for Vaughn, actually. JACK: I see. Sydney sits down in a chair in front of Jack's desk. SYDNEY: A month ago...Vaughn found a journal that belonged to his father. The entries ended in 1982. Mom killed Bill Vaughn in '79, but we authenticated the handwriting... JACK: That proves nothing. Counterfitters are experts at graphoanalysis. SYDNEY: I know, but it doesn't explain "Nightingale". JACK (looks confused): What's...Nightingale? SYDNEY: We don't know. Vaughn followed a lead in the journal that took him to a woman in Lisbon who knew all about Vaughn's dad...that he rescued Nadia when she was a baby. She said that shortly after that, he left looking for Nightingale. I mean, it could be a codename; it could be an operation... Jack looks down, troubled. SYDNEY: I know I'm asking for a lot... Jack looks up at Sydney. SYDNEY: ...but I understand what Vaughn's going through... JACK: You also know how dangerous that search can be. SYDNEY: Yeah, I do. Jack looks down and types into his computer, enabling his level 6 clearance. He stands up to make room for her in front of the computer. She stands also. SYDNEY (in almost a whisper): Thank you. JACK: I appreciate you...trusting me with this. Seems like we haven't really talked since... SYDNEY (cutting in): ...Mom died. JACK: Feel free to come to me...anytime. Sydney turns and watches Jack as he walks toward the door to his office. In the doorway, he stops and looks at her before leaving. Sydney sits down at Jack's desk and types in the word "Nightingale" in the search box. Cut to Vaughn and Dixon dressed in protective boxing equipment as they spar in what appears to be a gym area built into APO. As Dixon sees Sydney coming, he puts up his hands to signal they stop. To Vaughn, he says, pointing behind him to Sydney (who is holding a file folder), DIXON: Looks like you have an audience... SYDNEY (smiling): Not bad. Cut to Vaughn opening a file. Inside, we see a picture of the doctor from the Nightingale experiment from the beginning of the episode. SYDNEY: Nightingale is the brainchild of a Josef Vlatczko, Russian emigre we recruited into DARPA. He vanished 25 years ago after running tests on human subjects. VAUGHN: Nice guy. SYDNEY: When he left, he took all the records of Nightingale with him. That's why you couldn't find anything; DARPA had to cover up the security breach. VAUGHN: So, if we find Latczko, we might find something about my Dad. Sydney reaches over and flips to another portion of the folder. There is the photo of the 2nd man that watched the Nightingale experiment from the beginning of the show. SYDNEY: Hans Deitrich, German money launderer. Last year, he started branching out into higher risk investments, mainly new weapon systems. He funneled over a million Euros into an encrypted bank account labeled Nachtigall...Nightingale. Vaughn looks up at Sydney. SYDNEY: Deitrich's office is in Munich. He runs a beer hall on the ground floor. IF we can get to his records, we might be able to find a lead...something on Latczko...who knows? Vaughn smiles softly at Sydney, obviously impressed. VAUGHN: Syd, how'd you get all this? SYDNEY: (pauses nervously) My dad. VAUGHN (surprised, not happy): What? SYDNEY: He has clearance...we... VAUGHN (cutting Sydney off): Did you tell him everything? SYDNEY: I had to. Vaughn looks away unhappily. Cut to Sloane sitting at his desk in his office. He looks up as his door slides open. It's Jack. SLOANE: How much do they know? JACK: Uncertain. Apparently there were journals we couldn't account for. SLOANE: Hmm...Well, I should shut them down. JACK: We could turn this to our advantage; let Sydney and Vaughn obtain intelligence for us... SLOANE: I see...And you have no problem with that? JACK: Of course I do. But given our current obstacles...they might provide a lead we couldn't get on our own. SLOANE: All right, Jack; give them a long leash. But just so we're clear...we cannot afford to be compromised...not even by your daughter. JACK: It won't come to that. Jack and Sloane stare at each other tensely for a moment before Jack turns and leaves, Sloane staring after him. CUT TO BLACK Now is the time in Alias when we dance! Open to someone reading a magazine at Sydney's breakfast bar. The camera pans up to show us it's Weiss as we see Vaughn emerge from Sydney's bedroom with both hands full of luggage. As he walks by Weiss, he deadpans, VAUGHN: No, I'm fine, thanks. Don't help. WEISS: Aww, boo hoo. I'm gonna go up north and drink wine for two days while my friends stay here and work. VAUGHN: It's called 'accumulated vacation', man. You use it or lose it. Vaughn puts the bags down on the steps leading up to the front door. Sydney and Nadia enter from Sydney's bedroom. SYDNEY (to Nadia): So, you'll water the plants, right? NADIA: I've got it. SYDNEY: And you'll send out the...? NADIA: Sydney, go. Have a good time. WEISS: You know what? We could actually drive up and meet you guys... Vaughn puts an affectionate arm around Sydney's shoulder and makes the "I don't know..." face at Weiss. VAUGHN: Um... SYDNEY (rescuing him): We're busy. VAUGHN: Yeah. WEISS: You gotta eat...one meal. VAUGHN (slighly suggestively as he pulls Sydney into a closer embrace): That's what room service is for... NADIA: Don't mind him. Have fun. WEISS: I mean...we're crazy...this weekend anyway...we've got plans...you know, we're doing the...um...there's that, uh... Sydney looks back at Weiss with an amused smile. NADIA: Yeah. M(U)NICH Cut to daytime stock photo of Munich. Cut to a number of establishing scenes inside the beer hall, including waitresses dressed in blonde wigs and traditional German dresses. Traditional beer hall oompa music is playing. Camera pans across the crowded room to stop on a table in the back of the hall. We focus on the man in the photo, who is drinking beer. VAUGHN (off screen): That's Deitrich. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn at a table in the front of the beer hall. Vaughn is facing toward the back and Sydney is looking at Deitrich in her make up mirror while pretending to apply lipstick. SYDNEY: He's with his bodyguards. The man on the right is Deitrich's second in command, Kron Gulav. This is gonna be fun...(puts makeup away) No toys from Marshall...Cell phones instead of comms... VAUGHN (half disbelief): Yeah, now all we have to do is get Deitrich alone...convince him to show us his files on Nightingale... Cut to Deitrich as one of the waitresses reaches across his table to remove his glass. He grabs her hand and kisses it before letting her get away. Cut back to Sydney, who watched that scene in her mirror. SYDNEY: I can get him alone. Vaughn smiles. Cut to Sydney walking into a back room in the beer hall. It appears to be a dressing room of some kind with rows of lockers. Sydney walks down the row, trying to open one of the lockers. WOMAN (off screen, in German): Can I help you? Sydney slowly turns. It's one of the waitresses. SYDNEY (in German): Where are the uniforms? I start today, I was told there'd be spares here. The woman walks up to Sydney. WOMAN (in German): Are you Klaus' cousin? SYDNEY: Ya. The woman slaps Sydney across the face. WOMAN (angrily, in German): I think there's something you need to say to me. Sydney, with a hand held to her face, looks up at the woman. Cut to the beer hall as a waitress hands Deitrich a check. Vaughn dials his cell phone. Cut to the woman, knocked out on the floor, still in her dress but her wig is gone. SYDNEY (answering phone off screen): Yeah. VAUGHN: They're getting the check. They're almost out the door. SYDNEY (braiding her wig, dressed in another dress): Okay, okay, I'm almost there. Vaughn hangs up as he watches Deitrich sign the slip and hand it to a waitress. Vaughn turns to see Sydney walk by with a beer stein on a tray, headed toward Deitrich. Sydney, giving Deitrich the eye, places the beer down in front of him. DEITRICH (in German): We've already paid. SYDNEY (in German): Compliments of a friend. DEITRICH (in German): Who? SYDNEY (in German): Me. They stare at each other for a moment, then, with a ghost of a smile, Deitrich holds out his hand to her. She puts her hand in his. DEITRICH (in German): What is your name? SYDNEY: Olga. (pause) (in German): Come with me. Deitrich gets up and starts to walk off with Sydney. Cut to Vaughn, whose phone is ringing. Confused, he looks at it and then answers it. VAUGHN: Yeah? Cut to Eric, back at Syd's place. WEISS: Hey man, I got a quick question... VAUGHN (watching Sydney walking away with Deitrich): Eric, this is a really bad time... WEISS: Where are you? Is that a party? VAUGHN (watching Sydney tensely): Look, I'm gonna have to call you back. WEISS (teasing): Romantic getaway's goin' that good, huh? VAUGHN (as Sydney walks by with Deitrich): Braids, fishnets...it's pretty spectacular. WEISS: Somebody's gettin' lucky tonight...(amused) Byyyyeeeee! Vaughn hangs up. Sydney and Deitrich enter his private office. Sydney is still carrying her tray under her arm. Deitrich walks up to her and says suggestively, DEITRICH (in German): So, what God smiled at me and sent you my way? Sydney smiles as if flattered. SYDNEY (in German): Mr. Deitrich...Surely you do this with all the girls. DEITRICH (in German): It's been known to happen. He leans toward Sydney as if to kiss her. Sydney grabs him by the lapels of his jacket and launches him over the top of his desk to land in his chair behind it. She slides her leg across the desk to lodge the heel of her shoe into his throat. SYDNEY: Where do you keep your financial records? DEITRICH: What? SYDNEY: Your business files; where do you keep them? DEITRICH (struggling to breathe against the pressure of Sydney's foot): God...they're on my computer! SYDNEY (sliding her foot higher, so that the heel is right over Deitrich's jugular.): Show me or I'll break your neck. DEITRICH: I will! He reaches over and types one-handed a password on his computer. DEITRICH: Please...don't hurt me... Sydney kicks him in the side of the head, knocking him out. She finds the "Nightingale" file, goes to open it...but it requires another password. Cut to Deitrich's 2nd in command, who is beginning to look antsy that his boss has been gone so long. Vaughn speed dials' Sydney's number. VAUGHN: The guys down here are getting pretty antsy... How's it going? SYDNEY: Give me 30 seconds... GULAV (in German): Let's go get Deitrich. Vaughn gets up and moves to intercept. Stepping in front of them, he says with a thick Italian accent, VAUGHN: Hier Gulav...Ignacio Maldini, Europol liaison, Organized Crime unit. Gulav sighs impatiently. VAUGHN: We've recieved complaints... GULAV: Take it up with our lawyers... Starts to walk by Vaughn. Vaughn puts a staying hand on his shoulder. VAUGHN: We have. And unless you want my entire office down here tomorrow, you'll listen to me. Cut to Sydney, removing the exterior hard drive and getting up from behind Deitrich's desk. A man walks in, surprising her. MAN (in German): What are you doing here? SYDNEY (in German): I'm Klaus' cousin. He asked me to come back here. MAN ( in German): I'm Klaus. Sydney reacts for a split second, then smashes Klaus in the face with the hard drive and then again against the side of his head, knocking him out. She takes off out of Deitrich's office in a run. Cut to Vaughn, still tying up Deitrich's men. VAUGHN:...Low wages, no overtime, rampant sexual harassment... GULAV: (scoffing) What!? Sexual harassment? At that moment, Sydney bursts out of the back area to slide down the length of the main bar. Vaughn uses the distraction to punch Gulav in the face. Sydney turns herself mid slide and kicks Gulav in the face, knocking him out, then grabs a beer stein and crashes it on the 2nd bodyguard's head, knocking him out, too. Vaughn takes out a 3rd guard. Vaughn pulls open the front door and holds it open for Sydney. She turns to the watching crowd and says, SYDNEY: Auf wiedersen. The crowd in the bar cheers. LOS AN(G)ELES Nighttime establishing shot of LA skyline. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn in her bedroom, trying to hack into Deitrich's hard drive. VAUGHN: Okay, try it now. Sydney types in Deitrich's main password, and is able to pull up at file heading that says "Nachtigall", but the rest is encrypted. SYDNEY: It's there. It's encrypted. It's gonna take a while... VAUGHN: Yeah. Well, as long as it's in there. Vaughn's phone rings. VAUGHN: Hello? VOICE (unknown male voice): Say it's Weiss. VAUGHN (confused): What? VOICE: Tell your girlfriend that it's Weiss...if you wanna know about your father. Vaughn pauses for a second and then mouths "It's Weiss" at Sydney. Sydney nods and goes back to working with the hard drive. Vaughn turns on the end of the bed so his back is to her. VOICE: You got lucky in Munich, but Nightingale won't answer your questions. Only I can. Sherwood Library, UCLA Campus. Get there in an hour. The library will be closed, but the side door will be open. VAUGHN (covering): Uh...yeah, you know what? I'll see if I can. VOICE: What I have is for you alone. If you tell your girlfriend, she'll be dead by the time you come back. (hangs up) VAUGHN (covering): All right...I'll talk to you later. (hangs up) SYDNEY: What's going on? VAUGHN: Uh, nothing. He just, uh, wanted to grab a burger. SYDNEY: Well, you should go. I'll work on this. Besides, if Weiss gets suspicious... VAUGHN: Yeah. Yeah, okay. He gets up, grabs his coat. VAUGHN: You want anything? SYDNEY (not looking up from her work): No, thanks. I'll grab something later. VAUGHN: I won't be long. Vaughn walks over and kisses Sydney on the forehead. SYDNEY: Take your time. VAUGHN: Bye. Vaughn starts to walk out. SYDNEY: Tell Weiss I said hi. VAUGHN: I will. He stops in the doorway of the room, ostensibly to put on his coat, but really he's watching Sydney, nervous about what he's about to do. He walks away. Cut to exterior of the library. Cut to Vaughn, inside the library and walking down the stacks. His cell phone rings. VAUGHN: Yeah. VOICE: Through The Looking Glass. The illustrated edition. Looking annoyed, Vaughn hangs up his phone and heads through the entrance to the children's part of the library. (An interesting detail is as he's walking down the aisle where the book is, behind him is a sculpture of the Cheshire cat from the movie version of Alice in Wonderland.) Vaughn finds the book and pulls it off the shelf. He opens it up to find a space in the middle cut out of the pages. Inside is a syringe with a blue ribbon rolled around it. Unrolling it, we see it reads, "Inject Me". VAUGHN (in disbelief): You've gotta be kidding me. Cut to Vaughn as he drops the book into a trashcan, preparing to leave. His phone rings again. Annoyed, he answers it. VAUGHN: Listen, if you think I'm gonna inject myself, you're out of your mind. VOICE: If I wanted you dead, I could kill you right now. You wanna know about your father? I'll give you two minutes to do the right thing. Vaughn hangs up the phone and looks around and then looks back at the trash can where he threw the book away. Cut to Vaughn entering a darkened reading area in the children's library. He sits down, places the book next to him. He wipes his mouth nervously, then opens the book to again reveal the syringe. He looks at it, then rubs his face furiously with his hands, as if warring within himself what he wants to do. He looks over at the syringe again...puts his head in his hands again...then grabs the syringe, rips off the ribbon and the cover and injects the substance into his arm. CUT TO BLACK Open to establishing night shot of LA. JACK (voiceover): I traced Sydney and Vaughn's movement. They went to Munich. Cut to Sloane's reaction. SLOANE: What did they find? JACK: Undetermined at this point. SLOANE: Jack, the plan was to let Sydney and Vaughn open doors we couldn't go through and to pull them back if they got too far. I don't see much here in the way of containment. JACK: We have an option. I can go to Sydney, engender her trust, convince her to bring the case to APO. SLOANE: Hmm. No. She's too intuitive. Considering your relationship, she'll see right through you...through us. JACK: No, she won't. I know exactly how to approach her. Cut to Sydney, sitting cross legged on her bed, still working on breaking into the Nightingale file. Her telephone rings. She answers. SYDNEY: Hello? JACK: It's me. SYDNEY (surprised): Dad. Hi. JACK: I uh, realize this is short notice, but...I was wondering if you would join me at Micelli's this evening? SYDNEY (stunned): Um... JACK: Is it...bad timing? SYDNEY: Uh, no...I JACK (trying to sound nonchalant): Hey...I was just...hoping you'd be free for dinner. SYDNEY: (pauses) I'll meet you there in 30 minutes. JACK: See you there. Sydney looks at the phone and then hangs up. She goes back to her work with the computer. She unlocks the file and information, schematics, etc. pop up on the screen. Cut to a close up of two limp hands. The camera trails up the person's seated body. It's Vaughn. He appears unconscious and his face is covered in sweat. He begins to come to, breathing heavily. It appears that he tries to move, but finds that he can't. (Note: This appears to be the same neurotoxin the Covenant doctor used on Sydney when they forced her to watch her funeral) Cut to a shadowy figure in the doorway of the darkened room. VOICE: Mr. Vaughn... Cut back to Vaughn, who is still trying to move, but other than moving his eyes and a bit of a grimace on his face, nothing else is moving. The man steps forward. It's a black man in his 30's...someone we've never seen before. MAN: Welcome back. (appears amused by Vaughn's struggle). Don't worry; it's temporary. He walks over and sits down next to Vaughn on the bench seat. MAN: The paralysis should wear off in about...(checks his watch) four minutes 20 seconds. Might sting a little...you know, the re-entry. VAUGHN (barely above a whisper): Who are you? MAN: A man that could tell you about your father. But first...what I want. That intel you stole from Deitrich will lead you to Nightingale. What I'm interested in is the transforming coil inside of Nightingale. VAUGHN (struggling to speak): Are you out of your mind? MAN (snorts): I'm not the one that injected myself with an unknown substance. (pause) So, now that we've established your desperation...it's a matter of how far you're willing to go. VAUGHN: Why should I believe anything you say? MAN: Philip Burke. (leans closer to Vaughn) B. U. R. K. E. VAUGHN: Who's that? The man stands up. MAN: You look him up. And when you're done, you contact me. (holds up a business card, then tucks it under Vaughn's arm.) One time only. Make it count. The man pats Vaughn on the side of the arm and then walks out. Cut back to Vaughn's hands. His fingers are starting to move. Cut to watching Vaughn's feet as he stumbles out into the main part of the library. Obviously, the neurotoxin is still wearing off. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to a nighttime establishing shot of LA. Cut to Jack, standing as Sydney approaches the table. JACK: Thanks for coming. Sydney clears her throat and then sits down at the table. JACK: I took the liberty of ordering a bottle of Pignot Noir. SYDNEY (pleasantly surprised as he pours her a glass): Okay. JACK (smiling softly): You look...very nice. SYDNEY: Thank you. JACK: So...(lifting his glass) SYDNEY (lifting her glass also): Yes... (Note: It doesn't appear that either one actually takes a drink here) JACK: Everything...okay? SYDNEY: It's fine. JACK (putting down his glass): How's your investigation going? Vaughn's father... SYDNEY (puts down her glass): It's complicated, actually. JACK: You found something. SYDNEY: The intel on the hard drive makes it seem like...Nightingale is an active project. JACK: Active? SYDNEY: Vlatczko is running it out of an abandoned nuclear reactor in Siberia. He's jury-rigged enough power to drive what he needs. JACK: For what purpose? SYDNEY: I'm not sure exactly, but the experiments are molecular, they're...altering human DNA. There was a list of over a dozen human test subjects. All of them died. There's mention of the genetic markers AD9, but I don't know what it all means. JACK (takes a drink from his glass): Sydney, you have to bring this to APO. SYDNEY: Not until I talk to Vaughn. JACK: Vaughn doesn't know that people may be dying because of it. I gave you level 6 clearance because I trusted you. I'm asking you to trust me now. Bring this to APO. If you really want to find answers, use the resources that APO can provide. Sydney looks away in thought. She looks torn. JACK: You have to discuss this with Vaughn first; I respect that. But the longer you keep this off-book, the worse this will look for both of you. The only way to proceed is honestly...above-board. Promise me you'll tell Vaughn that. SYDNEY (nodding): I promise. Jack nods. Cut to Jack sitting in Sloane's office. SLOANE: She told you this? JACK: Yes. SLOANE (seems impressed): Hmm. For 20 years, Josef Vlatczko's been off the grid. Now we find him through Sydney, of all people. (pauses, smiling, then sits down next to Jack). Well, I have to hand it to you, Jack...I never thought that you'd be capable of exploiting your own daughter. I certainly couldn't do that. (switching topics) I could have a strike team on the ground in Siberina in 72 hours. JACK (his voice belying his annoyance): That's a foolish course of action. SLOANE: Vlatczko's our strongest lead to Yelena Derevko. With this intel, we need to act quickly. JACK: Sydney cannot know that I've betrayed her confidence. We wait for her to bring this in. SLOANE: And if she doesn't? JACK: She will. I asked her to. When she does, we'll draw up an ops plan requiring me to go along on the mission. Once there, I'll interrogate Vlatczko without Sydney or Vaughn knowing. SLOANE: If our assumption is correct, Vlatczko's communicating with Yelena. Once you've completed the interrogation, he needs to be eliminated. JACK: It's a little extreme, don't you think? SLOANE: No, I consider it a necessary precaution. He could alert Yelena to our agenda. Or even worse...he could talk to Sydney...which would be a disaster, unless, of course, you want to destroy everything we've worked for. Off Jack's troubled look, we CUT TO BLACK Pan sideways to Vaughn seated in front of his computer at APO. He types the name BURKE, PHILLIP into the search engine. The engine searches and then pulls up a file with photo that says: Phillip Burke, Status: Killed in Action, Date: 10/21/79, Report: Phillip Burke killed in Laos. CIA Agent: 00231545. VAUGHN (reading aloud to himself): Phillip Burke, killed in Laos...10/21/79. This information sinks in, and then Vaughn begins typing furiously. Cut to a printed report with Phillip Burke's photo attached. VAUGHN (voice over): They're identical. His name's Phillip Burke. Cut to Vaughn, standing beside Sydney, sitting on a couch in her living room looking through the report. VAUGHN: CIA Black Ops agent killed in Laos the exact same date my father was killed. The autopsy report showed that Burke was shot with a Makarov pistol, the exact same make and model your mother used to kill my father. And there's more. Vaughn pulls out a small envelope and removes a set of dental X-rays and hands them to Sydney. VAUGHN: Dental records. The ones on the left are Burke's, the set on the right are my father's. Sydney studies them and realizes they're the same. SYDNEY: Oh, my God... VAUGHN: I mean, we've always thought your mother killed my father...but what if she killed Phillip Burke instead? Sydney thinks about it for a second, then asks, SYDNEY: How would the CIA...how would anyone... VAUGHN (cutting her off): Maybe the CIA didn't know and someone wanted the world to think Bill Vaughn died and replaced him with Phillip Burke. Sydney thinks for another moment, then asks, SYDNEY: Vaughn, where did you get this information? VAUGHN: That phone call from before. It wasn't Weiss. I went to see a guy named Roberts. I made a deal with him because he said he had information about my father. Sydney lets that sink in, then stands abruptly, upset. SYDNEY: I can't believe you didn't tell me. VAUGHN: Syd, he said he'd only talk if I came alone. SYDNEY: I don't care; what you did was crazy! VAUGHN: Yeah, and it paid off! This guy knows more and he'll tell me. SYDNEY: In return for what? (crosses her arms across her chest) VAUGHN: He wants me to give him Nightingale. Some...transformer coil. SYDNEY (upset): We don't even know what Nightingale is yet and you want to just hand it over!? VAUGHN: We're just gonna shut down the testing, we're not handing over the entire program...just a part of it. Syd, we do missions like this all the time! SYDNEY: Not on our own; not rogue. Vaughn looks away. After a moment, Sydney continues, SYDNEY: My father wants us to bring this in to APO. Vaughn turns to look at her, and his annoyance is clear in his voice, VAUGHN (not a question): You talked to him again. Sydney nods once in semi-defiance. VAUGHN: Yeah, well your father and Sloane will never let me keep technology like this for myself. And besides, I don't trust them. I don't trust anybody...except you. SYDNEY: Then what do you suggest? VAUGHN: We come clean at APO like your father wants. We drop a mission that will get us Nightingale...then we run a countermission. SYDNEY: Like the old days. VAUGHN: Our stated goal is to retrieve the coil... SYDNEY: ...but instead, we keep it for ourselves. VAUGHN: The only problem is, there's no way we can make a duplicate. We won't have time to make a fake one... SYDNEY: ...so we have a Plan B. Vaughn nods. Cut to daytime view of LA via helicopter. SLOANE (voiceover): We need to retrieve the coil and shut down Nightingale. Cut to briefing room of APO. Sloane, Jack, Marshall, Vaughn, and Sydney are present. SLOANE: Assuming you got to the facility undetected, what then? SYDNEY: Once inside, Vaughn and I will split up. I'll recover the coil while Vaughn takes care of security. VAUGHN: Now, each door in the facility is keycode operated, but Vlatczko operates out of the security station here, so I'll subdue him, I'll override all the locking mechanisms. That should get Sydney into the control room where the coil's held. JACK: What configuration did you say the reactor was running? VAUGHN: RBMK. JACK: Then you'll need two people to retrieve the coil: One to ensure the reactor stays in standby mode while the other enters the test chamber to grab the coil. MARSHALL: Yeah...that's right! SLOANE: That means you're missing one man to override security. JACK: Then...I'll join the team. As third man, I'll access the security system while you and Vaughn recover the coil. Once the mission is complete, we can bring Vlatczko back for questioning. SYDNEY: If we need a third man, Dixon is more than capable... SLOANE: Actually, Jack's experience will serve you well...unless there's something about this mission that you haven't told me. Sloane looks from Vaughn to Sydney, who both stone-cold bluff him. VAUGHN: No, sounds good. CUT TO BLACK SIBE( R ) IA Outside the power plant, Sydney, Vaughn and Jack approach a grate covering the exit to a ventilation shaft. Vaughn unscrews the bolts with an electric drill and removes the cover. SYDNEY: Home plate, we're in. MARSHALL: Copy 5x5; Phoenix standing by. Sloane stands watching and listening over Marshall's shoulder. Cut to Syd, Vaughn, and Jack entering the access and walking through the ventilation tunnel. They come around a corner and take out two guards with tranq guns. They go around another corner and take out another guard just coming up the stairs. JACK: Going ahead to the security room. SYDNEY: We'll meet you back here with the coil. Jack continues down the corridor; Syd and Vaughn climb some stairs leading to the control room. Cut to Jack turning a corner. He looks up and nonchalantly fires his tranq gun. As he walks by the camera, we see the body of the person he tranqued fall to the floor from above him. Cut back to Syd and Vaughn taking out guards on their way to the control room. Just as Syd and Vaughn are detected on the security cameras, Jack enters the security room, tranquing the guard and coming up to Vlatczko. JACK: The more you cooperate, the less pain you'll endure. Sit down. Sit down! Vlatczko complies. Jack hits buttons on a console in front of him. JACK: Shutting down security. SLOANE: Jack, are you with Dr. Vlatczo? JACK: Yes, he's been subdued. (switches comms on) Shotgun, Phoenix...unlocking the door to the control room now. VAUGHN: Copy; almost there. Cut to Syd and Vaughn bursting into the control room and tranquing two scientists. VAUGHN: Okay, Marshall...We're at the control panels. MARSHALL: Is the reactor online? SYDNEY: Negative. I can see the transformer inside now. MARSHALL: Right. Open up the containment shield. That's where the coil is. SYDNEY: Copy. Vaughn hits a button and the shield over the coil lowers. MARSHALL: Now, release the lock to the test chamber. Vaughn hits another button and the chamber door slides open. SYDNEY: We've got the chamber opened. I'm going in. Sydney enters the chamber. SYDNEY: Dismantling the pressure shield now. Sydney starts cutting a hole in the top of the device to remove the coil. SYDNEY: This will take a couple minutes. Cut to Jack and Dr. Vlatczko. JACK: I need information, and I need it very quickly. VLATCZKO: I don't know what you're talking about. Jack whacks him across the face. JACK: I know about Nightingale. VLATCZKO: If you know about Nightingale, what else can I possibly tell you? JACK: The location of Yelena Derevko. VLATCZKO: Yelena? JACK (menacing): Tell me where she is. VLATCZKO: I don't know. Jack hits him across the face again. Cut to Sydney, who almost has a complete hole through the pressure shield. SYDNEY: Ready to remove the coil. Sydney lifts off the piece she cut out. Cut to Jack and Vlatczko. JACK: Where is Yelena? VLATCZKO: I told you, I don't know! JACK: You worked for her. You've been in contact. You couldn't have set this up without her help. VLATCZKO: It was years ago. JACK: I don't have time for this. Jack shoots Vlatczko in the thigh. Cut back to Vaughn, monitoring from the control room, when a guard comes in, firing a machine gun at him. He ducks to the side and jumps behind the control panel, which is hailed with bullets and starts to spark. Behind him, the door to the test chamber starts to slide shut. Sydney hears it and runs for it, but not in time; she's locked in. Vaughn takes out the guard, but the damage is done. The control panel is fried. The reactor starts to come online. RECORDED VOICE (in Russian): Sixty seconds. Sydney tries to pull the door open, but it won't budge. SYDNEY: Vaughn! VAUGHN: Syd, the controls are fried. SYDNEY: Can you get me out of here? Cut to Jack and Vlatczko. Jack still has his gun pointed at him. JACK: Tell me where she is! VLATCZKO: I don't know! VAUGHN: Home base. The reactor's coming online, it's coming online now! MARSHALL: Vaughn, bypass the nuclear fusion switch. It's on the panel under the main controls. VAUGHN (to Sydney): I have to run a bypass! Vaughn gets under the panel and runs the bypass. RECORDED VOICE (in Russian): Thirty seconds. The reactor coil begins to light up in preparation for activation. Sydney pulls at the door and looks helplessly through the glass at Vaughn, and CUT TO BLACK Back to Sydney still in the chamber trying to pull the door open, then cut to Marshall. MARSHALL: Okay, is there an ethernet port next to the motherboard? VAUGHN: Yeah. MARSHALL: Okay, plug it in there. (typing furiously on his keyboard) That should give me access to...(his computer connects to the one at the plant) Okay, nice. That's it. (to Sloane) I'm on the server. Vaughn, use the blue and yellow wire together to open the door. He wires it and then says to Sydney, VAUGHN: Okay, Syd...try the door now. SYDNEY: Still locked! Vaughn! VAUGHN: Marshall, I can't bypass the door. Sydney's in the room with the reactor. Cut to Jack listening to this on his comms. Cut back to Vaughn. VAUGHN: Is there another way to shut down the core!? MARSHALL: Only if you remove the fuel rods. Cut to Jack. His face shows he's obviously torn. Then, he shoots and kills Vlatczko and bolts out of the room and down the corridor. JACK: Marshall, I'm headed toward the core. MARSHALL: No! No! No! Do not do that! Exposure to that amount of radiation can kill you, okay? I can slow down the countdown and buy enough time to corrupt the reactor or mainframe. Just give me some time. RECORDED VOICE (in Russian): Twenty seconds. Vaughn spies the machine gun the now dead guard was using and picks it up. VAUGHN: Take cover! Vaughn shoots at the glass between him and her, but it's bulletproof. Cut to Jack, running up to the room where the fuel rods are. He tries to enter via the keypad, but it doesn't work. MARSHALL: No, Mr. Bristow... I see what you're doing. Don't go in there. I've almost got it; I can keep the reactor from coming online...I can! SYDNEY (to Vaughn): It's um...getting a little warm in here... VAUGHN: Hang on! I'm working on it! Jack takes apart the keypad to try to hotwire it. RECORDED VOICE (in Russian): Ten seconds. VAUGHN: Marshall, come on! MARSHALL: Okay, almost there, almost there, almost there...got it, the countdown's slowing down. Jack has gotten the panel off and is trying to short the wires. The countdown continues (slower) and we bounce back from Vaughn's worried face to Jack trying to break into the fuel rod room. Cut to Marshall on his computer. MARSHALL (typing furiously): Work some magic! Work some magic! Work some magic! Work some magic! Work some magic! Countdown goes from three to two. Cut from Vaughn's stricken face to Sydney still trying in vain to open the door. Cut to Jack, who has just gotten the access light for the door to go green. Cut back to Vaughn, staring in horror at the coil and then in anguish at Sydney. Sydney braces herself against activation. As the countown gets past two, everything stops. The light on the coil goes out and the regular lights come back up. VAUGHN: Marshall, what happened? MARSHALL (reading from his computer screen): Total system shutdown due to core corruption...I did it. Cut to Vaughn's relieved look at Sydney that Sydney returns. MARSHALL (joyous): We did it! We... Marshall launches himself into a very surprised Slaone's arms to hug him in glee. SLOANE (pulling Marshall off of him): All right, Marshall...Marshall...just free Sydney, would you? MARSHALL: Right! Sorry...um, system's in reset; that should be a problem (types a few keys), and...free at last. Cut to Vaughn running toward Sydney in the hallway. Sydney is carrying the coil. VAUGHN: Sydney! (He grasps Sydney by both shoulders as if steadying her) You okay? SYDNEY: Yeah, I'm fine. (She hands Vaughn the coil.) Plan B. Vaughn shakes his head in almost disgust. VAUGHN: Ah, I hate this. Sydney takes a deep breath and steels herself. SYDNEY: Vaughn...are you sure? Vaughn's face softens and Sydney looks at him almost as if to say, "What?" He reaches forward and pulls her to him, kissing her passionately. As he pulls away, he tells her softly, VAUGHN: I love you. Sydney smiles a bit and answers in a soft, almost a playful tone, SYDNEY: Yeah? (pause) Still? Vaughn smiles and nods slightly, then steels himself and then punches Sydney really hard across the face. Sydney drops to the floor with a grunt. Vaughn grimaces after making contact as if it hurt him to hit her. She gets back up; her lip is bleeding and she's breathing hard in reaction to the pain. She gives him a little glance almost as if to say, "Nice punch." SYDNEY: Remember what you promised... VAUGHN (strained, as if he hates to see Sydney in pain): I'll let you know when I get there. SYDNEY (gingerly touching the side of her face): 'Kay. Sydney turns and watches as Vaughn runs off with the coil. Cut to Jack running up the stairs toward Sydney. JACK: Sydney! Sydney runs straight into her father's arms. SYDNEY: I couldn't stop him... Sydney pulls out of Jack's embrace to look him in the face. SYDNEY: It was Vaughn... he took the coil. Sydney protects the tender side of her face with her hand for effect. SYDNEY: I couldn't stop him, Dad. He pulls her back into his arms. His face says he clearly doesn't believe her story. Cut to daytime shot of LA skyline. Cut to Jack and Sloane in Sloane's office. SLOANE: Well, I don't understand this. Vaughn assaulted Sydney and stole the coil? JACK: Yes. SLOANE: And you believe her? JACK (shaking his head no): Vaughn wouldn't go against us without reason. From his father's journals to this...rash action... Someone must be feeding him information...a third party we're not aware of. SLOANE: Yeah, well obviously this complicates our situation. JACK (annoyed): Yes, I imagine this must be quite upsetting to you, Arvin. My not anticipating Sydney and Vaughn's deceit might be greater than your own... SLOANE (lets that go): Have you thought about how we're going to deal with this... Jack doesn't answer. He appears a bit dazed. SLOANE: Jack? JACK (as if waking from a daydream): Hmmm? SLOANE: Are you all right? JACK: Fine. Just tired. Sloane's face clearly says he's not buying that. JACK: I'll work up some options on retrieving Vaughn and the coil. He stands up and leaves Sloane's office. Sloane watches him leave, and appears to be concerned over Jack's strange behavior. Cut and then pan to Sydney sitting at her dining table, reading the newspaper, eating a sandwich and drinking some milk. She hears a ringing and looks over toward the breakfast bar, where her cell phone sits. She picks it up and her display says she has a new message. She presses on the screen and reveals an email from Vaughn. It says, "I'm okay. Wish me luck..." Sydney smiles softly and then looks worried. Cut to Jack, walking swiftly through APO toward the exit. Marshall chases after him. MARSHALL: Uh, Mr. Bristow...Mr. Bristow! Jack does not slow down at all, but Marshall finally catches up to him. MARSHALL: Hi. Listen, I uh, ran the diagnostics on the core reactor shutdown... You remember the...Marshall saves the day, and uh... JACK (cutting him off): Marshall, this is not the time. MARSHALL: Yeah, but I re-ran security protocols and I checked them and rechecked them twice, believe me, because I couldn't quite understand... JACK (cutting him off again, impatient): Marshall, what is it!? They've reached the hallway leading out into the subway. MARSHALL: I didn't shut down that reactor at all! JACK: That's impossible. MARSHALL: No it isn't! The printouts! Listen, it is physically impossible for me to shut down that reactor from a remote location. I mean, given it's particular status, they would have to be shut down manually, but that's impossible, too, because that would mean that someone...that...that's... (realizing the truth and is horrified) He looks up at Jack with such awe and horror. MARSHALL: I mean, you... The only way it could happen is if...(choked up) you went into the reactor yourself. Jack's face is stoic as usual, but it's clear he's not denying it. Gravely, he says, JACK: It was my daughter's life. Marshall's face is just a picture of grief and utter sadness. The elevator arrives and Jack gets on it, with Marshall just staring after him. Just before the doors shut in front of him, Jack says, JACK: Between. Us. Marshall nods, and the doors close.	Plan: A: Vaughn; Q: Who disappears with the coil to learn more about his father? A: Nightingale; Q: What is the name of the molecular weapons system located in a nuclear reactor in Siberia? A: Sloane; Q: Who and Jack know about Nightingale? A: Elena Derevko; Q: Who is Nightingale connected to? A: the information; Q: What does Vaughn bring to APO? A: a mysterious stranger; Q: Who meets with Vaughn in the UCLA library? A: the Nightingale's coil; Q: What does the mysterious stranger promise Vaughn in exchange for information about his father? A: the Nightingale facility; Q: Where do Vaughn, Sydney and Jack travel to shut down the Nightingale weapon? A: the Nightingale device; Q: What is Sydney trapped in the room with? A: Marshall; Q: Who discovers what Jack did? A: three different locations; Q: How many times did Jack, Vaughn and Marshall try to free Sydney? A: harmful radiation; Q: What does Jack expose himself to when he shuts down the nuclear core? A: Sydney's help; Q: What helps Vaughn disappear with the coil? A: Jack's secret; Q: What does Marshall swear to keep? Summary: While searching for Vaughn's father, Vaughn and Sydney discover that Nightingale is a molecular weapons system located in a nuclear reactor in Siberia. Sloane and Jack know about Nightingale and its connection to Elena Derevko. The duo later use Sydney to have Vaughn bring the information to APO and thus make it an official mission. Meanwhile, a mysterious stranger meets with Vaughn in the UCLA library and promises answers about his father in exchange for the Nightingale's coil. Vaughn, Sydney and Jack travel to the Nightingale facility to shut it down and retrieve the coil from the weapon, however, Sydney becomes trapped in the room with the Nightingale device. Jack, Vaughn and Marshall attempt from three different locations to free her, which ultimately leads to Jack shutting down the nuclear core manually exposing himself to harmful radiation. With Sydney's help, Vaughn disappears with the coil to learn more of his father. Marshall later discovers what Jack did, but swears to keep Jack's secret.
WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] (Cut to: Camera close up of automatic weapons being locked and loaded.) (Cut to: Close up of a man's eyes, his face camouflaged and covered.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY/CITY (STOCK) - DAY] (Cut to: Men in camouflage sit side by side in the vehicle. Camera close up of a watch which reads 3:15 p.m.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] WHITE FLASH TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY] (The bank teller hands the customer his cash. The sign next to the teller reads: Transactions after 3:00 p.m. will be processed on the next business day. The teller smiles and continues to do business with the customer.) (Inside the bank, there's a line waiting for the next available teller.) (The little boy at the front of the line turns around and looks at DET. CYRUS LOCKWOOD who stands near the end of the line. LOCKWOOD searches his pockets and pushes his jacket aside. On his waist is his gun and badge. LOCKWOOD notices the little boy watching him. The little boy smiles and continues to stare at LOCKWOOD. JIMMY'S MOM notices JIMMY staring at LOCKWOOD.) Jimmy's Mom: Jimmy, stop staring. (JIMMY looks up at his mom and smiles. JIMMY'S MOM smiles at LOCKWOOD.) Det. Cyrus Lockwood: (smiling) It's okay, ma'am. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The white van stops in front of the bank. The back doors open and men with guns get out.) (The men head for the front door quickly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The gunmen open the front door. The guard standing in front of the door turns around. The first gunman swings his fist and knocks the guard in the jaw. The guard spins around and falls to the floor.) (The customers in the bank turn around to see what the commotion is about.) (The second gunman raises his weapon to the ceiling and fires, getting everyone's attention. The customers start to scream.) Gunman: Up against the glass, now! GUNMAN: Come on. Let's go. Move it! GUNMAN: Move it! Come on. Let's go! (The customers rush toward the teller glass to comply.) Gunman: (to the other gunman) Let's go. Let's go! Up there! (One of the gunmen heads straight for the security camera and starts to cover the lens.) (LOCKWOOD watches everything happen cautiously. He puts his checkbook back into his breast pocket and heads for the glass with the rest of the customers.) Gunman: Get near the glass. Don't move! (One of the gunmen gathers the customers to make sure that they comply.) [SECURITY CAMERA VIEW] (The gunman climbs up the chair, stares into the camera, and starts smudging something black onto the lens. The view of the gunman and the rest of the bank is slowly blackened out.) [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - CONTINUOUS] (The gunman points his gun at JIMMY'S MOM.) Gunman: (loudly) Lady! One peep, and you die. GUNMAN: The boy, too. (LOCKWOOD hears the threat.) (The final gunman walks into the bank. He walks up to the teller glass.) Gunman: Hands on the wall, now! Move it! (The gunman fires at the teller glass and breaks it. The women scream. JIMMY'S MOM pulls JIMMY aside as the glass shatters around them. She puts her arms protectively around JIMMY'S head.) (The gunman jumps onto the teller counter and heads for the bank vault. He grabs the BANK MANAGER with his hands up standing in front of the glass doors. He pushes him in through the glass doors and follows him.) Gunman: Move it, let's go! Come on! Come on! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - VAULT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (POV inside the vault. The front doors of the vault are clear and see through. The GUNMAN pushes the BANK MANAGER up against the door.) Gunman: Move! Let's go! Let's go! GUNMAN: Open it! (The BANK MANAGER hurriedly punches in a "5", a "4" & several other numbers on the keypad in front of the glass doors.) Gunman: Open it! Open it! GUNMAN: Open it! (The GUNMAN opens the doors and walks inside the vault. He looks for a specific box. He puts down his bag and pulls out some explosives. He sticks it on the four corners of the bank box. The third explosive pack goes on the bottom right corner of box #748.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - MAIN FLOOR - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The GUNMAN walks around the customers and purposefully aims his gun at one of the customers.) Gunman: You! Don't look at me! Woman: (hysterical) (b.g.) I have to get out of here! (The GUNMAN turns to the other customers.) Gunman: Any one of you moves a muscle, I'll blow you away. Woman: (whimpering) (b.g.) Oh, my god! (LOCKWOOD turns and looks at the GUNMAN.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - VAULT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The GUNMAN inside the vault finishes putting on the explosives packs on the corners surrounding a particular box.) (When finished, he grabs his bag and runs out of the vault. He kneels down just outside the glass doors and takes out a detonator. He pushes the buttons on the small black box.) (Quick CGI to: The camera travels rapidly along the vault boxes toward The specific box and stops at the explosives pack on the bottom right corner where the red light on the receiver unit starts to blink and beep. End of CGI. Resume to present.) (It explodes.) (The boxes are ripped out of the vault, paper and things strewn on the vault floor. The center box flies out from the wall panel.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY -CONTINUOUS] (LOCKWOOD and the customers hear and feel the vault explode. JIMMY flinches and he's pulled in closer to his mom.) (LOCKWOOD turns and sees the GUNMAN lower his gun a bit. LOCKWOOD keeps his eye on the GUNMAN and slowly reaches for his weapon.) (JIMMY moves. His mom turns to get him. The GUNMAN sees the sudden movement. He turns and swings around and sees LOCKWOOD with his weapon out. The GUNMAN fires and hits LOCKWOOD. LOCKWOOD falls to the ground.) (JIMMY'S MOM screams.) (The GUNMAN from inside the vault runs out carrying his bag. Gunman: Got it! Go! Go! GUNMAN: Let's go! (He jumps over the counter. Without a glance at LOCKWOOD, the gunmen heads out the front door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The gunmen walk out of the building.) (Cut to: The gunmen pass the FIRST MONUMENT BANK sign.) (Cut to: The gunmen climb into the back of the white van.) Gunman: Go! Go! Go! (The last GUNMAN closes the van's back doors after everyone is inside. The van speeds away.) (As soon as the van turns the corner. Several police cars arrive in front of the building.) (The officers exit the vehicles and set up a blockade of sorts in front of the bank. Their car doors are open, the officers are kneeling and pointing their weapons at the bank. In the background, we see the white van turn the corner and travel out of camera sight.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY] (The police sirens blare as they turn the corner onto the street. Gunshots are fired on the police vehicles. They stop in front of the bank. OFFICERS exit the vehicle with their weapons drawn.) FLASH TO WHITE: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK -- DAY] (Armed OFFICERS exit the building. GRISSOM makes his way to the front of the building. The alarms blare.) AUDIO FADES OUT (We don't hear the alarm anymore. GRISSOM ducks under the crime scene tape and walks up to the building.) AUDIO OFF (GRISSOM shakes his head and looks up at the alarm bell. He hears nothing.) (CATHERINE walks up to GRISSOM from behind. GRISSOM stares at the bank's alarm.) Catherine: (muffled) What a day to come back to work. (CATHERINE walks past GRISSOM toward the front doors. She turns around to look at him.) Catherine: Coming? AUDIO FADES IN (The alarm sound grows louder.) (After a moment, he follows CATHERINE into the bank.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - MAIN AREA - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the bank. DAVID PHILLIPS is working on LOCKWOOD'S body. BRASS kneels down next to him.) Brass: This crew was in and out. Three, maybe four guys, depending on who you talk to. Detective Lockwood drew his weapon protecting a woman and a child. (BRASS picks up LOCKWOOD'S badge.) Catherine: Wrong place, wrong time. Brass: There is no right time to kill a cop. (GRISSOM looks around. He notices the glass windows and heads for them.) David Phillips: I only see one bullet wound through the back. Brass: Yeah, witnesses say that he was, uh, taken down with a single shot. (CATHERINE notices and follows him. GRISSOM takes off his glasses.) Grissom: Beveled edges on the inside. The shot came from outside. We need to get a picture of this. Catherine: These guys were pros. (to BRASS) How much did they get? Brass: (stands) According to the tellers, they weren't interested in money. Grissom: What were they interested in? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - VAULT -- DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS leads GRISSOM and CATHERINE into the vault. The place is a mess. Electricity crackles and hisses.) Grissom: See the blast marks? Charges were placed in corner quadrants. Four boxes up, five across. The rest looks like collateral damage. Catherine: Whoever did this knew precisely what they were after. Grissom: Well, the one good thing about their precision ... it'll narrow our focus. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK -- DAY] AUDIO MUFFLED (GRISSOM has his back to the door and is staring off at something. SARA, WARRICK and NICK walk into the bank.) Sara: (muffled) I heard "officer down." I didn't know it was Lockwood. Warrick: (muffled) Wonder what he was doing here. He's supposed to be off duty. Nick: (muffled): He was only 34 years old. (CATHERINE walks up to them.) Catherine: (muffled) All right, good. All here. We've got a lot of work to do. (CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM who still has his back to the group, unaware that they're all there waiting for him.) Catherine: Grissom... RESUME AUDIO (CATHERINE walks up to GRISSOM and puts a hand on his shoulder, startling him. He turns around.) Catherine: Grissom? Grissom: Sorry. I was thinking. Catherine: Well, I was thinking that we need to start processing this bank. Grissom: Right. I'll take the safety deposit boxes. Sara, you're with me. (GRISSOM and SARA walk out toward the vaults.) Nick: Radio car's shot up pretty good. I'll dig around in there. (NICK heads out the front door.) Warrick: (pointing up) Take the cameras. (CATHERINE looks up at the cameras.) VERY SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] SECURITY CAMERA'S POV (WARRICK swabs off some of the black stuff covering the camera lens.) Warrick: They made sure we didn't have eyes. Catherine: Check the tape anyway. Brass: (runs in) I think we found the getaway vehicle. Catherine: Where? Brass: Block from the off-ramp. Coroner's en route. Catherine: The coroner? Brass: The driver's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - VAULT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (SARA and GRISSOM work the vault. SARA snaps pictures; GRISSOM checks out the floor. He find something.) Grissom: Electric blasting cap. (SARA turns to look.) Sara: Brown leg wires feeding into the grommet. Grissom: Means they could've used C-4. (GRISSOM looks up at the lock boxes.) Grissom: Utah, New Mexico, Colorado, and Arizona. (Quick CGI to: Camera zooms in on the explosive device with its flashing red light stuck to the lock boxes. Camera zooms in and through the light and through the wires where the electricity passes through the explosives and explodes.) (Cut to: The locked box in the center of the four explosive devices pops right out amidst other paper items. End of CGI. Resume to SARA.) Sara: Four corners. Grissom: What does that tell us? Sara: Whatever they were looking for was definitely in the center. Grissom: The Monroe Effect: All force generated towards one central area. Sara: How are we ever going to find out what's missing? (GRISSOM looks around and finds something.) Grissom: I just found the detonator. Sara: I'll get it fumed. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - PARKING LOT - DAY --CONTINUOUS] (NICK is examining the car outside. CATHERINE walks up to him.) Catherine: What have you got? Nick: Radio car traveled about 15 feet after being hit. I followed the leakage back to its original position. Two in the hood, one in the windshield, Lockwood. High power, long range. Catherine: I'll take any part of that bullet. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY -CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and BRASS make their way to the getaway van. CATHERINE looks) Brass: Oh, god. Catherine: Near decapitation. Wire's still around his neck. Brass: The driver became a liability after the heist. No honor among thieves, I guess. Catherine: Tells us something about them. (Quick flashback to: The van is parked. The driver looks back behind him.) Driver: Hey, why are we stopping here? (The gunman pulls a wire and kills the driver.) Gunman: (raspy) Your job is finished. (The remaining GUNMEN get out of the white van and drive off in another vehicle.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (LOCKWOOD is on the table. ROBBINS pulls out the bullet and puts it in the metal tray. He continues to work on the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK -- DAY] (NICK pops the front hood of the car. He's looking for the bullet. He extracts the bullet.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - VAULT -- DAY] (SARA starts putting the lockboxes back into their slots.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY] (GRISSOM is working on the video from the security camera.) (On tape, the time clock starts at ??:27:22 where the GUNMAN runs into the bank and heads straight for the security camera at full speed. There is no hesitation. He jumps up and smears black stuff on the lens with his hand. The clock ends on ??:32:03.) (GRISSOM sits in front of the video. WARRICK stands off to the side.) Warrick: Lockwood was a good cop. It's too bad. (beat) Grissom, I just talked to Hodges. That black substance from the camera lens? The FTIR spit back magnesium aluminum, silicate, talc, methylparaben, and sunscreen. All of these chemicals are consistent with camouflage cream. Grissom: Blackface paint. (Quick flashback to: One of the gunmen putting on black face paint. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: My guess is the same stick they used to cover up that camera lens, they used to paint their faces with. I just found an eyelash in it. (GRISSOM turns to look at WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY --DAY] (GRISSOM walks rapidly down the hallway. In the back in front of the counter is ROBBINS. He sees GRISSOM and calls out to him. GRISSOM turns around.) Robbins: Gil. I was just coming to see you. (ROBBINS walks to GRISSOM and hands him the baggie.) Robbins: I pulled the bullet from Cyrus Lockwood. Fully intact, well preserved. Grissom: You didn't have to bring this over. We could've picked it up. Robbins: I wanted to. Every day I see people I don't know, but I saw a lot of Lockwood, and I did get to know him. I felt like I owed it to him. Grissom: Thanks, doctor. Robbins: Yeah. (GRISSOM turns and heads down the hallway. Camera holds on ROBBINS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM opens the door and enters the lab. CATHERINE is already there behind the computer. GRISSOM holds up the baggie.) Grissom: We got a bullet. Catherine: We got prints. Getaway driver. Larry Whiting. 29. (GRISSOM looks over CATHERINE'S shoulder. On the computer monitor they see the following: RAMPART CASINO EMPLOYMENT CAR {PHOTO ON RIGHT) NAME: LARRY WHITING OCCUPATION: VALET Employee #: 948249245 SIGNATURE (She moves the employment card information aside to show the record underneath. It reads: Match Found: Larry Whiting Case ID: 4845-20154 {photo on left} Larry Whiting Las Vegas, Nevada CRIMINAL RECORD: * 10-05-99 Assault * 11-12-98 Drunk and Disorderly Served: 12-10-98 till 06-22-00 Catherine: He was convicted of assault and drunk and disorderly five years ago. Did some time. Grissom: Occupation: Valet at the rampart. Isn't that one of Sam Braun's hotels? Catherine: Mm-hmm. Grissom: You have to have a non-gaming work card to park cars at a Vegas casino. How does a guy with a criminal record get one? Catherine: He doesn't. Grissom: Unless he was juiced in by Sam Braun. Catherine: Well, it is his hotel. It's his call, ultimately. Grissom: Yeah? Well, it's our case, so it's our call. Catherine: Mmm. Grissom: Check it out. (GRISSOM heads out the front door. CATHERINE turns around to stop him.) Catherine: I may be compromised. You know I have a personal relationship with the guy. Grissom: You'll be fine. (GRISSOM leaves the room. Camera holds on CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASINO - MAIN FLOOR -- DAY] (CATHERINE walks across the main casino floor she stops. Across the casino, she sees SAM BRAUN talking with some people. He turns and sees her. He smiles and waves at her.) (She smiles and waves back.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CASINO - BAR - DAY -CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and SAM sit at the bar.) Sam Braun: I'm going to have to talk to H.R. about this Larry Whiting. Human resources is never supposed to process anyone with a record. Catherine: Well, his record caught up with him, Sam. We suspect he was involved in the First Monument Bank robbery. Getaway driver ... except everyone got away but him. Sam Braun: I have to tell you, Mugs, name doesn't ring a bell. Catherine: (laughs) Sam ... That's like you telling me when I was a kid that you were too tired to drive home every night when you were sleeping with my mother. Sam Braun: Well, you can't fault a fellow for wanting to be with his two best girls. Catherine: All right. Sam Braun: Where is all of this leading? Catherine: Well, last year, one of your cocktail waitresses is murdered. Still unsolved. Sam Braun: She worked at another one of my hotels -- the Whiskey Town. Catherine: And this Whiting guy worked here at the Rampart ... They're both your hotels .... How does that look for business? Sam Braun: Mugs, I got a P.R. Department that deals with that. When one white tiger killed another one in the secret garden at the Mirage, the P.R. Department had it buried on page 16e, under the car ads, about ... this big. Catherine: Right. They made it go away. Sam Braun: Some things are people's business. Some things aren't. Catherine: Well, this is my business. It's not going to go away. Sam Braun: Then I'll be rooting for you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY - PLAZA HOTEL -- (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WHITING RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (BRASS and WARRICK stand outside the door. BRASS has his gun out. WARRICK turns on his flashlight and puts his hand on his gun.) Brass: Las Vegas police. Manager said he lived alone. (BRASS opens it and they enter.) [INT. WHITING RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS heads off in one direction, WARRICK looks around the living room where he sees LARRY WHITING'S uniform and name tag. He also finds LARRY WHITING'S ID card.) Warrick: If this getaway driver's stupid enough to get whacked by his partners, he's stupid enough to leave something behind. Brass: This whole neighborhood's stupid. Warrick: Whew. Whew. (WARRICK sees the liquer cup stuffed with cash. He picks it up and looks at it.) Warrick: Sixty grand a year for jockeying cars? I'm in the wrong line of work. Brass: Well, look on the bright side: You're still alive. (WARRICK looks down and sees something.) Brass: Bedroom's a bust. What do you got? (He picks it up for a closer look.) Warrick: I got two $5,000 stacks from the rampart. Brass: Sam Braun's hotel. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB] (BOBBY DAWSON goes over the bullet comparisons with GRISSOM.) Bobby Dawson: Um, Lockwood's bullet on the right, and the cop car bullet ... what's left of that cop car bullet's on the left. Both projectiles with 308s. Consistent with the m1a. Grissom: Long gun. Bobby Dawson: Mm-hmm. And long guns are only registered to the person who makes the initial purchase ... and the serial numbers aren't recorded. (GRISSOM sighs.) Grissom: Impossible to trace, so it's a dead end. Bobby Dawson: Well, forensically, yeah, but not cognitively. See, shooting someone from long range, and taking out the engine of a radio car while it is hauling ass ... you're looking at one sharp shooter. And that kind of training only comes from ... Grissom: The military. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK -- NIGHT] (The ceiling lights turn on.) Nick: (looks up and yells) Thank you! (NICK is standing in the bank with a dummy set up to find out where the shot came from.) (NICK inserts the light into the dummy and turns it on. He gets some spray and uses it to see where the bullet came from. The red laser light aligns perfectly with one of the bullet holes from the glass window.) (NICK heads out of the bank to find out where the shooter was standing.) [EXT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] Lyric: We fall / sign / a sign / we fall / sign / a sign / we fall / sign / a sign / here I lay / our questions answered / fear inside / is truth uncovered / while we fight / shari I ithe e other... (NICK ducks under the crime scene tape and heads for the cop car in the front of the bank. He inserts a second light into the hood of the car where the bullet hole is. He turns the light on. Immediately, it's noticeable that the two shots came from the same room from the building across the street.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BUILDING ACROSS THE STREET] (NICK walks up the escalator and heads for the floor. He stops and finds the two red laser lights hitting against a wall. He turns around and heads for the office where the lights are coming from.) (NICK walks into the office and looks around. He walks up to the window. He does a GSR test on the window sill and it comes out negative. He looks around and does a GSR test on the chair. It comes out positive.) (He drags the chair in front of the window and visualizes the shooter lifting up the long gun and putting it on the chair in front of the window.) (Quick flashback to: The shooter taking aim and firing ... twice. End of flashback. Resume on NICK.) (Camera holds on NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - VAULT] (SARA finishes putting the lockboxes in their rightful positions. She steps back and looks at her handiwork. CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the vault.) Catherine: Wow. Almost looks good as new. (SARA continues to look at the lock boxes in front of her. Behind her are the stacks of money stacked up neatly.) Catherine: Kind of. (Camera swings around and shows us that all the boxes are in place except for one that's missing.) Sara: This was the epitome of precision. The outer rim of boxes sustained the most damage the intent was not to blow out the 23 surrounding boxes, but to preserve the sanctity of the center box. Box 729? It's history. It's the only thing that's gone. Catherine: That's the box they were after. (GRISSOM leans in.) Grissom: And we still don't know what was inside. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FIRST MONUMENT BANK - LOBBY -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE sit in the lobby waiting for the BANK MANAGER. GRISSOM stares out into space, his eyes in front of him and away from CATHERINE. CATHERINE sits in the chair in front of the desk.) (CATHERINE sighs.) Catherine: (mutters) What is up with the bank manager? We've been waiting forever. (She turns and looks at GRISSOM who isn't paying any attention to her and not giving her any indication of even having heard her. She looks at him.) Catherine: Hey. (GRISSOM turns and looks at CATHERINE.) Catherine: (muffled) How long have we known each other? Grissom: In days, months, or years? Catherine: I'm serious here. (CATHERINE levels GRISSOM a look.) AUDIO: OFF Catherine: (muffled) Can you hear me? (The BANK MANAGER rushes into the bank through the front door. He makes his way toward GRISSOM and CATHERINE. He doesn't answer her. GRISSOM shifts his eyes away from CATHERINE and looks at the BANK MANAGER approaching them.) Bank Manager: Sorry I'm late. Been on the phone all night with corporate ... not to mention I had a gun in my face. So, you want to know the lessees of some of our safe deposit boxes? Catherine: Oh, not some, just one. Box 729. Bank Manager: Why don't you just hold up a touch? I want to help you, but ... you're going to have to give me a court order. Catherine: Oh, no worries. (CATHERINE pulls out the warrant and gives it to the BANK MANAGER. The BANK MANAGER heads back to his desk to look up the information.) (A grid of the bank boxes appear on the monitor. Box 729 is highlighted in yellow. The following information appears on screen: SECURE DATA Name: BENNY MURDOCK Account #: B0063776603 Address: 2974 Westfall Ave. Las Vegas, NV 89156 Driver License #: 180063759502 Bank Manager: Box 729 lessee is Benny Murdock. Catherine: Benny Murdock? (CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM. He catches the look.) Grissom: You know him? Catherine: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] Sam Braun: Benny ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - SAM BRAUN'S OFFICE -- DAY] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM talk with SAM BRAUN.) Sam Braun: He was my first doorman at the whiskey town. A year later, I made him a casino host at pike's gambling hall. (SAM BRAUN sits down across from them.) Sam Braun: Within six months, he had all the play at the Tangiers. (He laughs to himself.) Sam Braun: Six months. Became my right arm when we opened the Rampart. I never thought I would outlive him. Catherine: He died a couple of weeks ago, right? Sam Braun: Brain aneurism ... you never know when you're going to go. All those memories ... (Quick flashback to: SAM BRAUN, BENNY MURDOCK and another woman raising their glasses in a toast.) Sam Braun: Benny, we're going to have a great summer. (The WOMAN giggles.) (End of flashback. Resume to present. Catherine: Did Larry Whiting ... know Benny? Sam Braun: Everybody who was anybody knew Benny, including you. Catherine: (shakes her head and smiles) Informally. Sam Braun: Informally enough for him to direct the high-end whales your way when you were dancing. Catherine: (laughs) Ooh ... that is Old Vegas, Sam. Sunset on that time. I hear you and Benny had a little sunset of your own. A falling out about six months ago. Woman On Intercom: Mr. Braun, it's "bravado" regarding BJ 19. Sam Braun: If you will excuse me, I have to take care of that. (SAM BRAUN stands and leaves the area.) (GRISSOM turns around and notices a framed photograph of the opening of the RAMPART. A group of people stand in front of a large ribbon with "RAMPART" on it.) Sam Braun: (b.g.) (to phone) Yeah? (GRISSOM turns to look at SAM BRAUN. He hears part of what's being said though it's muffled and echo-y.) Sam Braun: (to phone) Raise the limit, and change the cards. If he wins three double downs in a row, call me back. We'll send "Mr. Happy." (SAM BRAUN hangs up the phone, turns around and heads back to GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Sam Braun: I'm sorry. Where were we? Catherine: Benny. Sam Braun: Sorry. That's off limits ... but I was with him in the hospital when he died. We made our peace, if it's for the record. Grissom: You wouldn't happen to know what he kept inside his safe deposit box, would you? Sam Braun: You'll have to ask him. Catherine: Well, I wish we could. Sam Braun: If you'll excuse me, someone is robbing me downstairs. (SAM BRAUN turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (GREG looks through a scope. CATHERINE walks into the lab.) Catherine: You know what "off the record" means, don't you, Greg? (GREG turns to look at CATHERINE.) Greg: Yeah. Catherine: (sighs) Good. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- HALLWAY] (ROBBINS stands in the hallway. GRISSOM walks up to him.) Grissom: Albert, got a minute? Robbins: Sure. What's up? Grissom: I'd like a second opinion. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (GRISSOM sits in the chair while ROBBINS finishes looking at his ears.) Robbins: Boy, I wish you'd come to me sooner. Your condition's pretty far along. Why did you wait? (GRISSOM sighs.) Grissom: I hoped it would go away. Robbins: Doesn't your mother have this condition? Grissom: Yeah. It's hereditary. I know. I wasn't rational. Robbins: Look, Gil, I'm not going to preach to you. You came to me, but ... Doctor to Doctor ... there's a chance the bone deposits have spread into the inner ear, in which case, your hearing loss will eventually be permanent. If I were you, I'd schedule surgery as soon as possible. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / BREAKROOM] (The CSIs and GREG are eating.) Greg: You know the eyelash Warrick found embedded in the black greasepaint -- I extracted the DNA, ran it. CODIS gave me a, uh, mongolian beef. (GREG tips over the carton.) Sara: I'm sorry. What does that mean? Warrick: That means he got nothing. Greg: There, try these, big guy. Training wheels. Warrick: Thanks. Nick: Hey, guys, guys, let's focus on the robbers. (GRISSOM stares at the fortune cookie in his hand.) Catherine: Grissom? (GRISSOM looks up.) Catherine: What do you think? Grissom: I think we're giving these guys too much credit. They're experts at robbing banks, not experts at concealing evidence. Catherine: Well, unless the answer's in that fortune cookie, what's the plan? Grissom: Do you ever wonder how the fortune gets inside the cookie? (NICK puts his chopsticks down and sits back.) Nick: I know. Sara: (smiles) Of course you do. Nick: The cookie comes out of a press, like a tortilla, and then some lady puts the fortune in the center of the dough, and then folds the dough around a piece of metal, and then folds it again. Grissom: That's the answer. (With his fortune cookie in his hand, GRISSOM walks out of the breakroom while everyone stares at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM walks into the evidence room, shoves the fortune cookie in his mouth and pulls down a file box of evidence. He cuts the seals off the box.) (He takes out one of the remote devices and unscrews the lid off. He opens it. He takes out his print kit and brushes for prints. He finds a nice prints.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (The computer beeps and the results appear on screen for ROBERT RUBIO.) Jacqui Franco: Robert Rubio. Work card. Non-gaming. He's in the hotel business. Rampart. Hey, didn't that other guy work at the ... Grissom: (interrupting) Run him through the military database. Jacqui Franco: Why? Catherine: (grimly) Just run it. After that, give us an address. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RUBIO RESIDENCE -- DAY] (OFFICERS burst in through the door. They sweep the house and go from room to room.) Officer: Clear. OFFICER: Clear! (The OFFICERS head back out the front door where BRASS waits.) Officer: (to BRASS) It's all clear. There's something burning out back. (BRASS steps into the house. GRISSOM and CATHERINE follow him inside. They cross the room and head out for the back.) Brass: Come on. Let's see what's cooking. (BRASS exhales. In front of them is a burning barbeque with the lid down.) Brass: Whoo! Catherine: Oh, well, that is... one example of the evince going up in smoke. Brass: This guy's a piece of work, huh? (BRASS leaves them to answer his ringing phone. He steps aside. GRISSOM opens the barbeque hood and looks inside. CATHERINE takes out her kit.) Grissom: One of the black coats, you think? (GRISSOM takes out the bank box.) Catherine: Box 729. Grissom: Fire-resistant. (GRISSOM opens the box and they find inside a piece of fabric. CATHERINE picks it up and looks at it.) Catherine: It's some kind of fabric. Silk, maybe. What do you make of that? Grissom: Out of context, I don't know. (Inside the box, there are a couple of dried blood drops. GRISSOM takes a sample and tests it.) Catherine: Pink panther. Grissom: Well, Clouseau, how does blood get in a safe deposit box? Catherine: Maybe has something to do with this fabric. (BRASS turns around and hangs up his phone.) Brass: Mr. Nine volt, Rob Rubio -- ex-military, security expert. Went to work for casino owner Sam Braun when one of his soft count cronies got caught skimming the skim, so... all roads lead to Rome, except, in this case... the Rampart. (CATHERINE turns away from BRASS at the news.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT -- DAY] (Out in the middle of nowhere, a single black car is parked. The doors open and SAM BRAUN steps out carrying a metal briefcase.) (He looks straight ahead at the vehicle coming toward him. He puts the metal briefcase down next to him.) (The white car parks and the three GUNMEN from the bank robbery walk out toward SAM BRAUN.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE FLASH IN. (Camera flashes onto the first body.) (White flash to: The second body.) (White flash to: The Third body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEVADA DESERT -- DAY] (GRISSOM, CATHERINE and BRASS stand over one of the bodies.) Brass: Triple homicide in the desert. Grissom: Old-time Vegas. We found Tommy "the aspirin" out here. Remember him? Used to make his boss' headaches disappear. Catherine: Until they made him disappear. Brass: I think this is the origin of the word "termination." There's the corporate way, and the way of the gun. (GRISSOM kneels down next to the body.) Grissom: High-powered rifle. Close range. Visible gunpowder. (Quick flashback to: A gun is fired and the FIRST MAN is shot. He falls backward. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: This guy got it in the chest, too. (Quick flashback to: A gun is fired and the SECOND MAN is shot. He falls backward. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: And this one took it in the back. (Quick flashback to: A gun is fired and the THIRD MAN is shot. He falls backward. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (BRASS kneels over the first body and notices the firearm.) Brass: This one's carrying a glock. Never got a chance to use it. Catherine: Well, all three were carrying, so they're not tied up, and they're still armed. Grissom: They didn't fly here. Where's their car? Catherine: It's not a dump job. Killer drove them here, killed them, and drove away. Brass: They knew their attacker. (GRISSOM sees something and starts walking toward it. CATHERINE swipes her finger against the man's cheek.) Catherine: Never let a man do a woman's job. Brass: What do you mean? Catherine: They didn't get all their makeup off. (BRASS notices GRISSOM walking. Brass: Where's he going Catherine: Let's just hope he stops. (GRISSOM stops in front of a nearby bush with a scarf stuck in it. BRASS and CATHERINE catch up with him.) Grissom: Look familiar? Catherine: Bloodstain. Rainbow-colored thread. Safe deposit box. Those guys are definitely the bank robbers. Brass: Where's the fourth guy? Grissom: The guy who's rapidly becoming a mass murderer. Brass: Rob Rubio. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (GRISSOM checks his pager and heads down the hallway. At the other end of the hallway in front of him, BOBBY DAWSON from Ballistics rushes in. He turns his head and sees GRISSOM. He heads for GRISSOM.) Bobby Dawson: Grissom, hey. (GRISSOM doesn't look up. BOBBY DAWSON puts a hand on GRISSOM'S shoulder to get his attention. GRISSOM looks up.) Bobby Dawson: (excitedly and rapidly) Grissom, hey, just tested the bullets from your trio in the desert. AUDIO: MUFFLED Bobby Dawson: (rapidly) Same GRCs as the bullet from Lockwood. Fired from the same rifle. (GRISSOM stops BOBBY.) Grissom: Slow down, Bobby. Bobby Dawson: (muffled) I'm sorry. I just got excited. You don't get to see many .30-caliber rounds used in crimes, but, uh ... (GRISSOM stares at BOBBY and continues to walk away from him heading for the lab. The AUDIO fades out.) (GRISSOM turns away and walks into the lab leaving BOBBY out in the hallway staring after him, confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GRISSOM opens the lab door.) Grissom: You rang? Greg: Uh, yeah. The, uh ... blood flecks from the safe deposit box-- two distinct samples. I only got one hit, though. (GREG picks ups the test results, his hands noticeably shaking. GRISSOM reaches into his pocket for his glasses.) Greg: Uh, the primary sample belongs to Vivian Verona, a cocktail waitress. She was killed on the top floor of the old pike's gambling hall about two years ago. Here's the report. (GRISSOM takes the report and looks it over.) Grissom: Multiple puncture wounds, different depths, possibly two knives ... Greg: I've pulled the crime scene photos for you, too. (GREG hands GRISSOM the photos.) Greg: Case still pending. Murder weapon was never found. Now, the secondary blood sample came back N.D. Uh, could be the killer. You always say murder's messy. (GREG holds the second test results in his hands.) Grissom: Greg, your hands are shaking. Greg: No, they're not. (Concerned, GRISSOM takes the paper from GREG.) Grissom: Hold your hands out. (GREG holds his hands out flat in front of him, palms down. GRISSOM looks at them as they shake.) Greg: Uh ... they've been shaking ever since ... (GREG glances up and points at the DNA LAB next door. GRISSOM looks up and sees what GREG is looking at.) Greg: I can't really make it stop. Grissom: Is it affecting your work? Greg: (chuckles) Well, if I was a bomb expert, maybe. (GRISSOM doesn't laugh.) Greg: No, I ... I think I have it under control. Grissom: It'll stop. If you need me, I'll be around. Greg: Okay. (GRISSOM leaves the lab. GREG looks down at his hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM] (Camera close up of one of the photographs. Its a picture of a celebration. In the photo, VIVIAN VERONA is wearing the rainbow-colored scarf and is standing in the front smiling. The banner behind the small group of people reads: "$50,000 tip".) (GRISSOM studies the photo.) (He picks up a second photo of the crime scene where VIVIAN VERONA is dead on the floor without her rainbow-colored scarf. He picks up a third photo.) (WARRICK walks into the evidence room. He holds up the bagged scarf.) Warrick: I have your scarf back from Sanders. (He tosses the scarf onto the table. GRISSOM picks up the bag and compares it to the photo. It appears to be the same scarf.) (GRISSOM holds the evidence bag up to WARRICK.) Grissom: I need you to open this evidence bag and cut me an identical piece of fabric. (WARRICK takes the bag.) Warrick: You want me to replicate the blood pattern? Grissom: Yeah. (WARRICK reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a pair of scissors. He cuts the bag open. At that moment, GRISSOM glances up from the photos he's looking at and sees WARRICK cutting the bag with the pair of scissors.) (He realizes something.) (NICK appears in the doorway, his mouth full of apple.) Nick: You guys need a hand? (GRISSOM sees NICK, then turns back to WARRICK.) Grissom: Warrick, hand me those scissors. (GRISSOM looks up at NICK. Grissom: Nick, give me that apple. Nick: (resistant) But I didn't get any lunch. Grissom: (firmly) Give me the apple. You're not supposed to eat in here. (NICK hands GRISSOM the scissors. GRISSOM looks at the apple and scissors. He picks up a photograph of the wounds on VIVIAN VERONA. He holds it up for them to see.) Grissom: Two puncture wounds, right? (GRISSOM takes the scissors and puts it into the apple.) Grissom: Scissors. That's what was wrapped in the scarf. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Close up of the computer screen of the scarf. On screen, the computer works at reconstructing what was wrapped inside.) Warrick: These don't look like your ordinary household pair. Nick: No, man, look at the blades. They're almost double the size of the handles. Warrick: What's the purpose of scissors that long? Grissom: Murder. (CATHERINE walks into the room.) Catherine: I hear scissors, I hear murder. What did I miss? Grissom: We may have the murder weapon. (SARA walks into the room.) Sara: Hey, Vivian Verona worked for Sam Braun -- a cocktail waitress at Pike's Gambling Hall. Murdered the night before it was imploded in a penthouse suite. Nick: Sounds like somebody wanted her to disappear in the rubble. Bet you Braun hired his own clean-up crew for that one. Sara: The pyro guys found her on their last walk-through. They assigned a CSI, but the case ran cold before it even got started. There was no suspect and no motive. (GRISSOM stares at the monitor.) Grissom: Warrick, enhance the blade area. Warrick: Hmm, let me see if I can flip it around so we're not looking at an eye chart. Grissom: R-p-r-T. Catherine: (softly) Rampart. (GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM] (GRISSOM appears in the doorway. CATHERINE is putting her jacket on.) Catherine: (muttering) He's not returning any m my phone calls. I just need to confront this Sam Braun business once and for all. I'll drive. Grissom: I'm not going with you. Catherine: What do you mean? (CATHERINE closes the locker door. GRISSOM steps into the room.) Grissom: I'm scheduled for surgery at Desert Palm. (CATHERINE stops and looks at GRISSOM.) Catherine: Surgery? (GRISSOM doesn't say anything. CATHERINE walks toward him.) Catherine: Your hearing? Grissom: (nods) Yep. Catherine: I'm sorry. Grissom: I'm not. Has to be done. Catherine: What can I do? Grissom: Nothing. I'm fine. Take care of the case. Catherine: Oh, eh, mm ... that's it? Grissom: That's it. Um ... (he thinks about it) ... good luck. (GRISSOM leaves the room. CATHERINE stands there and shakes her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY] SLOW MOTION (OFFICERS escort ROBERT "ROB" RUBIO through the hallway. BRASS leads them to the Interview Room. Other OFFICERS stand along the hallway as they pass by.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - CONTINUOUS] (BRASS interviews ROBERT RUBIO who is handcuffed in his seat.) Brass: You must really like the ham steak at the Primm. One more mile north -- you're gone forever. Roberto Rubio: They got good ham. Brass: That's good to know. I'll know what to get you for your last meal ... for killing a cop. You know the rifle we found in your trunk? The bullets match one we pulled out of a friend of mine -- Detective Cyrus Lockwood. Roberto Rubio: Tough losing one of your own. Brass: You lost three of yours. Ballistics made a match there, too. (BRASS leans in, his hands flat on the table.) Brass: So, you're ex-military. That why Sam Braun hired you to be head of security at the Rampart? Roberto Rubio: You asking me, or you telling me? Brass: I'm telling you. My guess is Sam needed a job done, he came to you. Roberto Rubio: You know, when I get out of here, I'm going to take pleasure in putting air in your head. Brass: Let me put a fact in yours. You left a lot of yourself behind, killer. (Quick flashback to: ROBERT RUBIO aims and fires three times. He picks up his bag and leaves. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: So, here's the deal. You give up your boss, you get to spend the rest of your life in a jail cell, not on death row. Rubio: I'll take death row. I'll live longer. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL/CASINO - SAM BRAUN'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Camera pans across framed photographs hanging on the wall. CATHERINE stands near the wall looking at the photos. SAM BRAUN sits behind his desk looking at CATHERINE.) Catherine: Tangiers, pike's gambling hall ... Where are the Rampart scissors, Sam? (CATHERINE turns around and heads for the seat across SAM'S desk.) Sam Braun: I think they went to one of those silent auctions. You know, the kind where you put a number down and remain anonymous. Catherine: Uh-huh. I'm sure they went to a good cause. How much money they make? Sam Braun: More than I anticipated. (CATHERINE takes a seat.) Catherine: I think that we're past playing games, Sam. I need the truth. Sam Braun: You sure about that? Catherine: Oh, yeah. Now more than ever. Sam Braun: Benny killed Vivian. He caught her cheating on him ... with me. (Quick flashback to: BENNY MURDOCK walks into the room where he finds SAM BRAUN with VIVIAN VERONA. He gasps.) (cc) VIVIAN VERONA: I can explain. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sam Braun: When I heard he was dying, I went to see him. He told me he killed her with my scissors from a ribbon-cutting ceremony. He always kept the scissors-- had them shadow-boxed for me. (Quick flashback to: VIVIAN VERONA is dead on the floor. BENNY MURDOCK stands over her with the bloodied pair of scissors in his hands. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sam Braun: He stashed them in the safe deposit box. Catherine: Why would Benny ... do that? Why would Benny ... murder Vivian and then keep the incriminating evidence, not even attempt to wash off the blood? Sam Braun: You're asking me to answer on his behalf? I don't know. Maybe he was paranoid. Figured you would drag Lake Mead. Catherine: Let me just get this straight. To protect Benny after he's already dead, you hire Rob Rubio and three cronies to commit Federal Bank Robbery to steal back a pair of scissors? Sam Braun: They weren't just any pair of scissors ... they were tied to a legacy. If Benny goes down, I go down. Forty years ... building a reputation ... (he snaps his fingers) ... gone. Games are meant to be played downstairs not upstairs ... so I ask Rob to take care of it. Catherine: We have the safe deposit box in our possession, Sam, along with the bloodstained sash the scissors were wrapped in. We recovered two different blood samples -- one belonging to Vivian, and the other unknown. I guess I didn't have a good enough reason until now, but ... I tested my DNA against the unknown sample. (She sighs.) Catherine: And wouldn't you know ... there were seven alleles in common. (He leans forward and shakes his head.) Sam Braun: That supposed to mean something? Catherine: It means that you and I are biologically related. You killed her, Sam ... and Benny covered for you. (Quick flashback to: SAM BRAUN walks into the hotel room and finds VIVIAN VERONA with BENNY MURDOCK. They both stand when they see SAM. SAM grabs the pair of scissors on the side table and walks toward them. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Part of the old double standard. No woman that you're with is ever going to be with another man. (Quick flashback to: VIVIAN VERONA is dead on the floor. The camera moves up and shows SAM BRAUN holding a pair of bloodied scissors and standing over VIVIAN VERONA'S body. He leans over and takes VIVIAN VERONA'S blue scarf. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sam Braun: I swear on your mother ... it didn't happen that way. Catherine: Oh, now, that holds a lot of weight. To this day my mother still sits at home waiting for your call. (He leans back in his chair.) Sam Braun: Do you really think I could murder someone? Catherine: Science ... tells me that you did. So, yes, I do. (Her voice breaks.) It's just such a lousy way to find out that you're my father. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DESERT PALM - EXAM ROOM -- EVENING] (GRISSOM sits in his hospital gown on the examination table. The NURSE removes the blood pressure band from his arm.) Nurse: They're preparing the surgery right now, Mr. Grissom. I'll be right back. (The NURSE leaves the room. GRISSOM waits. CATHERINE appears in the doorway.) Catherine: Hey. (GRISSOM turns to look at her.) Grissom: What are you doing here? Catherine: I just wanted to see you. And I didn't want you to go in without wishing you good luck. (Behind CATHERINE, The transporter appears with the wheel chair for GRISSOM. GRISSOM stands up and walks up to CATHERINE.) Grissom: Thank you ... for being here. (CATHERINE reaches out and hugs GRISSOM. They look at each other.) Grissom: (to the transporter) I don't need that. (GRISSOM heads down the hallway. CATHERINE turns to watch him leave. She smiles.)	Plan: A: The CSIs; Q: Who is called upon to investigate a bank robbery? A: Detective Lockwood; Q: Who is killed during the bank robbery? A: Things; Q: What gets personal for Catherine when the evidence leads to casino owner Sam Braun? A: Grissom; Q: Who finally makes a decision about his hearing? Summary: The CSIs are called upon to investigate a bank robbery during which Detective Lockwood is shot and killed. Things get personal for Catherine when the evidence leads to casino owner Sam Braun. Grissom finally makes a decision about his hearing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in on a close up of Willow. She has her eyes closed and is chanting calmly. Willow: I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call. Send to me the heart I desire. The camera is pulling back slowly and we see she is holding five cards. Xander: You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating. We're in Xander's basement. Willow is sitting on Xander's folded-up sofa bed and Anya and Xander are sitting on large bean bags around the coffee table. They have sodas and bowls of potato chips and pretzels to snack on. Willow: That wasn't magic. I was praying. Two please. He deals her two cards. Anya: Five Xander: Ahn, I keep telling you: four's the max and only if you have an ace. Anya: Okay, four. Xander: Let's see the ace. Anya: (sighs) Three. (gives up the cards) What a stupid game. All these rules just to win little plastic disks. Xander: Chips. They're called chips. They represent money. Since none of us has any money it represents money. But that's gonna change once my merchandise hits the street. He looks at them invitingly. Willow takes the cue. Willow: (munching on a pretzel) Hmm! Wha'cha got in the boxes, drugs? (then sternly) It's not drugs, is it, Xander? Xander: Not drugs. He gets up and goes to the work bench and grabs one of the boxes. Xander: You are looking at the new local distributor for Boost Bars. 'The natural food bar that provides a nutritional energy boost for active, health-conscience people.' (sits) Want one? Willow: No. Thanks. Those things usually taste . . kind of tasteless. And then leave a bad after-tastelessness. Xander: (taking out a bar) Well, don't let the healthy scare you. Check out these ingredients. (pointing at label) See? Loaded with fatty goodness. Anya: Come on, somebody bet already. I got three 'K' cards. Willow and Xander look at her then exchange a glance. They fold their cards. Anya smiles happily and begins sliding the pot of chips to her already large pile. Xander starts to gather the cards up to shuffle. Xander: Wish the Buff could've made it. This three-hand poker is not quite the game. Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend. Anya: (offhandedly while stacking her chips) Yes, we've enjoyed spanking. Reacting in shock, the cards explode from Xander's hands. Gaping, he's about to say something to Anya, but doesn't seem able to talk. Xander: Well. . .(coughs) The thing is . . . I think Riley is . . . okay, in an oafish kind of way. But . . . am I the only one with a big floating question mark over his head about this Initiative thing? Willow: Well, they do seem to fall into the 'good guy' camp. I mean they are anti-demon. (sees Anya's evil eye expression) Probably pro ex-demon. Anya: Maybe. I choose to feel threatened. Xander: (gathering cards again) And why not? There's still heaps we don't know about these commandos. What exactly are they up to? Let's go see! Cut to somewhere in the woods. Night time. We see a few of the Initiative commandos prowling through the trees and bushes in low crouches. They're all wearing their dark ski masks and armed with taser rifles. The lead commando silently motions them forward and three of them disappear into a tall stretch of bushes. Cut to long shot and we start to hear fighting and a second later one of the commandos comes flying out of the bushes landing at least ten yards away. Closer shot: Buffy jumps out of the bushes and there's already two more commandos down and out on the ground around her. A fourth and fifth commando charge her from either side. Buffy greets the fourth commando with quick alternating front kicks that the commando blocks but the impact sends him off balance. Buffy spins into a roundhouse kick into the face of the fifth commando as he comes up behind her. He recovers quickly and swings a punch that she ducks and sends him down with a right hook. Then she turns to the fourth commando who's up again. She fakes him with a high backhand that he blocks, then brings that fist down to hammerpunch him in the groin, making him hunch around his pain. But her attention is already on the fifth commando and she blocks a mid-level uppercut, catching it and has him in an armlock. She sends a back kick into the fourth commando's chest sending him to the ground. Buffy swings her captured commando around just as the lead commando pops out of some bushes with his taser rifle and fires. The blast hits the helpless commando and he spasms as rings of electricity course through his body. Buffy lets him drop to the ground and readies herself as the lead commando charges her. They are about to fight when-- Walsh: (OS) Lights! The brights of a humvee parked up on a gradual hill illuminates the area and Buffy and the lead commando turn to see Professor Maggie Walsh, in a dark wool coat, hurrying down to them. She walks past the lead commando, who his pulling off his mask and we see it's Riley Finn. Walsh stands in front of Buffy and regards her with a stoic expression. Walsh: It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds. Buffy: (glances at Riley behind Walsh) I was just lucky. Walsh: I see. (Riley starts to smile) Well . . . still. Very impressive. Walsh turns and Riley quickly wipes the smile off his face. She heads back to the humvee. Buffy watches her leave as Riley steps up to her. Buffy: I was just being modest with the whole 'lucky' thing. You got that, right? Again, Riley has a 'shine a flashlight on his teeth and blind yourself' smile on his face as he looks down at her. Riley: I got it. The rest of the commandos are getting to their feet and taking their masks off. Graham Miller passes Buffy on her right. Graham: Awesome, Buffy. Forrest Gates walks past her on her left, without saying a word, looking a little pissed. He has a hand on his back and stops for a moment to look over his shoulder. Forrest: Pfft! (he continues on) Riley: (still smiling) See? You're a hit. Everybody loves you. He puts an arm around her shoulders and they follow the others. Cut to Walsh standing beside the humvee, looking on. She doesn't look happy. Wolf's howl. Buffy theme and opening credits roll. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part One ~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in on exterior of UC Sunnydale. Daytime. Cut to Rocket Cafe. Panning shot to Willow and Buffy sitting at a table across from each other drinking coffee (probably mochachinos). Buffy sounds excited as she tells Willow about last night. For her part, Willow has a happy 'listen even though she really doesn't want to hear this' look on her face. Buffy: So then Professor Walsh said that I was just as amazing as Riley had said. And later, he told me that she couldn't stop talking about this move I made where I used one of the commandos as a shield to block a taser blast. It was like twelve-thousand volts. It took the guy almost two hours to recover. (takes a sip of her coffee) Willow: (politely) Huh. Buffy: Hmm. How was your night? Willow: Like a normal person's. Light on the action-pack. Hope tonight's not too much of a let-down for you. Excitementwise. (a pause) You do remember about tonight, right? Buffy: Bronze. The gang. Are you kidding? I wouldn't be anywhere else. I miss you guys. We haven't been able to spend that much time together lately. Willow: You've been busy. Fighting armies and stuff. Not to mention other distractions from a romantic-- (sees that Buffy's no longer paying attention) Buffy: Riley just walked in. Willow looks over her shoulder and we see Riley at the lunch counter perusing the fruit bowl. Willow: Do ya want to let him know you're here? Buffy: No. Just enjoying a good stare. (eyes still on Riley) Tell me about your night. Willow: Well, spent most of it at Xander's teaching Anya to play poker. Buffy: (still Riley-eyed) That sounds like fun. Willow: Yeah. Except the Anya part and the poker part. Buffy: Will, I think you better get used to-- a Twinkie!? (quick shot of Riley going to pay for his junk food) That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished. Willow: (pouty) Everyone's getting spanked but me. Buffy: What? Willow: Uh, nothing. Willow smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. Cut to a cemetery. Daytime. All is quiet. Cut to interior of spacious mausoleum. The door opens and Rupert Giles steps inside. Laying on top of a stone sarcophagus, Spike raises his head at the sound. He throws off the ratty blanket that was covering him. Spike: Hey! Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home. Giles: (closing the door) Oh, yes. Careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, uh . . . mud. Spike is walking towards him. Spike: (looking around) I admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. (looks at Giles) Care to have a crack at it? Giles: While I'd loved to go on trading jabs with you, Spike, perhaps I'll come to the point. As much as it pains me to say it, um, I owe you a debt of gratitude for the help you provided me in my recent . . . metamorphosis. Spike: (rubbing a crick out of his neck) Stuff the gratitude. You owe me more than that, mate. Giles pulls out a small bundle of dollar bills and offers it to him. Giles: Three-hundred. Count it if you'd (Spike snatches it out of his hand). . . like. Spike: I'll do that. While Spike starts counting the money, Giles looks the place over. Giles: Um, thinking about your affliction and, uh, your newfound discovery that you can fight only demons; it occurs to me that (chuckling) I realize this is completely against your nature but I-I-I-- Has it occurred to you that there may be a higher purpose-- Spike: Ugh! You made me lose count. (faces him) What are you still doing here? Giles: Talking to myself, apparently. Spike: Well piss off, then. (indicates the money in his hands) This bit of business wraps up any I got with you and your Slayerettes. From here on I want nothing to do with the lot of you. Giles: Your choosing to remain in Sunnydale might make that a little difficult. Spike: Well you and yours will just have to show a little restraint is all. Get out. Giles doesn't say anything and heads for the door. Spike: (following) And I don't want you crawling back here knocking on my door pleading for help the second Teen Witch's magic goes all wonky or little Xander cuts a new tooth. We're through. You got it? Giles opens the door and Spike flinches away from the brightness. He looks over his shoulder at the vampire and his eye twitches. His feelings might be a little hurt. Spike: (callously) Honeymoon is over. Giles leaves without a word. Cut to close up shot of Buffy. She looking up into Riley's eyes. They are in very intimate proximity to each other. Riley: (softly) You don't have to do this. Buffy: I know. Riley: I mean, if you'd rather wait . . . Buffy: (meaningfully) I'm ready. I want to. Riley smiles down at her. The camera pulls back as they turn and step in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror in the wall. We see they are in the center hallway in Lowell House. Riley opens a tiny hidden panel beside the mirror and pushes a button. Buffy just stands there as a horizontal green line comes from the mirror and slides down over her body. Female computer voice: New retinal scan recorded. Summers. Buffy. The mirror slides to one side to reveal the very white interior of an elevator. Riley steps inside first. Cut to close-up shot of a black and white surveillance monitor displaying a picture from inside the elevator as we see Buffy follow Riley in. Cut back to Buffy and Riley. Buffy turns and watches the elevator door close again. Cut to Initiative headquarters. The elevator door opens and Riley is holding Buffy's hand as he leads her out onto a catwalk overlooking the main chamber. Buffy: (eyes wide) My God. Slow panning shot of the jumbo hangar size complex. In the middle of the floor is a lower section where men and women in surgical scrubs and white lab coats or performing tests and operations on several types of demons, strapped to strange looking tables and chairs. Buffy: You said it was big. You told me, but you never said it was huuuge! Riley: (offhanded) I don't like to brag. Buffy looks at him and a grin breaks his face. Buffy: (looking down again) I had no idea. This is incredible. But not that I thought it was some fly-by-night operation. (turns to him, excited) Unless it is! I mean, can you guys fly? At night. With those jet-pack things, do you have those? Riley: (playing coy) I can't really talk about it. Buffy: This is unreal. They look into each other's eyes and Riley leans down, about to kiss her . . . Walsh: So, you like our little operation? They turn to see Walsh standing behind them on the catwalk. Buffy: Yeah. Yes. It's very . . . clean. Walsh approaches and hands her a small plastic clip-on badge. Walsh: Your visitor's pass. (takes a few papers from her clipboard) And I've assembled some reading material to bring you up to speed. Buffy clips the pass to her leather jacket and takes the papers Walsh offers her. Buffy: (frowns) Oh. And I thought I was never gonna get homework from you again. Walsh: You can't take that home. That's classified material. Highly sensitive. When you're through reading those pages you'll have to eat them. Buffy just stares at her, speechless. She looks up at Riley. Riley: (grinning) She's joking. Walsh: Don't worry, it doesn't happen very often. Shall we? Buffy exchanges another glance with Riley and they follow. Moments later, they've made their way down the metal staircase and Walsh is leading them towards the open center of the complex. They stop at the metal railing and look down. Walsh: Much of our hands-on research with the SHT's is performed here. We call this 'The Pit.' Buffy sees a pair of green squid-faced demons laying on two tables, while scrub-clad techs work on them. Buffy: And what do you call those? Riley: Tough. It took eight of us to bring those two down. Walsh: They'll be under our control soon enough. (calling down) Doctor Angleman! Cut to a man in a white lab coat talking with another person. He looks up to acknowledge Walsh then returns to his conversation. Walsh: (to Buffy) Head of our science team. He's a leader in the field of xenomorphic behavior modification. Buffy: Behavior modification? Walsh: We've made significant advances in reconditioning the sub-terrestrials. Bringing them to a point where they no longer pose a threat. Buffy: (to herself) So I've seen. Then she sees Walsh and Riley's expressions as they look at her. Buffy: . . . on the Discovery Channel. With gorillas and sharks. They-they made them all nice. You haven't seen it? They don't say anything but Walsh doesn't look convinced. Buffy turns her attention away and points across the complex. Buffy: What's over there? She starts to walk casually in that direction and Riley and Walsh follow. Seconds later, Walsh is in the lead again as they approach an area closed off by a chain-link fence. Inside are large caches of guns and equipment of all types. There is one commando on duty inside. Walsh: The armory. You'll have to be cleared for use on each of these weapons. But by this point Buffy must have felt like she was back in class for her attention has already wandered and she steps up to a table behind Walsh and Riley. She sees a small looking device laying in an open case. As she lifts it up, the image on the monitor behind her also moves and we see a close-up of Buffy's eye as she holds the device close to her face. Walsh: (while this is happening) The more advance arsenal can be complicated, but I'm certain, in time, you'll pick that up. (looks over her shoulder and sees what Buffy's doing) Don't pick that up. Walsh walks to her and quickly takes it from her. Buffy: What is it? Walsh: About twenty-thousand dollars. Riley: It's a prototype for a com-cam. (points to the monitor behind her) Communications camera. Soon to be standard issue. Gives us a direct comlink to Control when we're out in the field. Walsh: Also monitors the heart rate of the wearer. A valuable tool for research in stress in combat condition. If you'll follow me, I'll show you the SHT containment area. Walsh walks off and Buffy looks to Riley mouthing 'sorry.' Riley shakes his head with a smile, telling her not to worry as they follow. Some time later, the tour is coming to an end. Walsh stops to face Buffy. Walsh: We have a few more things to give you. Buffy: (pointing) What's in there? Quick shot of the metal security door we saw in the last episode. A lab coat scientist uses a ID card to open the door and disappears inside. Walsh: Research area. Very restricted for security reasons. Here is your security card and your pager. She accepts the items from Walsh and studies the pager. Buffy: Been thinking about getting one of these. Walsh: We're the only ones with the number and it stays that way. Buffy: Right. Walsh: Lose either one of them and there's hell to pay and down here we mean that literally. (offers her hand and she actually smiles as she shakes Buffy's hand) Again, welcome to the team. Cut to student lounge. Willow and Tara are sitting on sofa chairs leaning on the arm rests. Tara is holding a clear purple-pink crystal in the palms of her hands. Willow: This is so cool. Wow. I've been trying to find the dolls-eye crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway. Where'd you get it? Tara: It-it was my grandma's, I think. I found it a long time ago in my attic. (hesitantly) I-I want you to have it. Willow: Oh, no, Tara. Th-that's really sweet. I can't. It's like a family heirloom. I-I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Tara looks a little hurt and she puts the crystal away. Willow see this. Willow: But i-if you wanted to try out some spells with it some time, I wouldn't say no. Tara: (eager) Maybe tonight. I mean, if you're not doing something you could . . come over and we could do something. (smiles) Willow: (uncomfortable) Tonight . . . That sounds really nice. But tonight I, uh, already have plans with people. Other. Tara: (hurt again) Oh. Um, that's okay. Another . . time. Willow: Absolutely. It's just tonight, it-it's kind of a specific crowd. You might feel out of place. Tara is silent for a moment. Tara: I better get to class. She grabs her books and stands up. Willow stands up with her. Willow: Well, um, I'll see ya later. Okay? Tara just nods and walks off. Cut to Initiative headquarters. Walsh walks up to the metal security door and zips her security card through the keypad. The door unlocks and she steps inside. She continues down the corridor to another door and punches in a code and slides the cards again. She enters and as the door closes we see the number 314 on it. Cut to interior of the lab room. Walsh closes the door behind her. Dr. Angleman, who just got through washing his hands at a sink, turns to face her as he dries them. Angleman: How did the tour go? Walsh: I'm not sure. She's unpredictable. She walks across the room. Her attention is on something we cannot see. Angleman: She's an unnecessary risk. Walsh: Possibly. How's our baby doing today? Angleman: Adjusting nicely. Reflexes, motor-functions. All off the charts. Walsh: That's what I like to hear. (to whatever she's looking at) Almost time to wake up, Adam. Cut to the lab table. We see a young man laying under a blanket, only his chest and head visible. But he doesn't look like a normal man. His brown hair is neatly trimmed, the most normal feature, while more than half of his face is covered in dark green skin, the rest of his face a human pale. There is also metal plating on the green left side of his face, from jaw to temple. Most of his chest is also green as well as is his right shoulder, but we can also see patches of other different types of skin. Wherever skins meet there is a line of sutured or welded-on scars like a grotesque demonic jigsaw. There seems to be numerous IV lines and monitoring connections disappearing under the blanket. Walsh: (soft voice) And take your first look at the world. I know you're gonna make me proud. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part Two ~~~~~~~~~~ Cut to the Bronze that night. Music is playing ('Trashed' by Lavish) and people, mostly young, are socializing. Camera pans over to where Willow and Anya are sitting at a table. Willow is lifting her sleeve to check her watch, probably not for the first time. Xander is walking to them while unwrapping a Boost Bar and taking a bite. Anya: (indignantly) Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me, tonight. Just peddling those process food breaks. I don't know why. Xander: (around mouthful) Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things. Anya: (considers) That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more. Xander: Oh, well this was the only one I had on me. Besides, it's getting late. Maybe we should go. Willow: Go? You can't go. Buffy hasn't gotten here yet. Xander: Let's face it, Will. She's over an hour late. She's probably out living the life of Riley. I don't think she's coming. Willow: She is! (unconvincingly) She said she was looking forward to spending quality time with just us. (brightens) See? Here she comes. Shot of Buffy walking into the Bronze followed by Riley, Graham, Forrest, and two other guys. ('Keep Myself Awake' by Black Lab starts to play) Willow: (crestfallen) . . .with Riley . . . and some other guys. Buffy and the young men reach their table. Buffy: Hi, all. Sorry about the late-itude. Xander: Late? Really? Huh. Hadn't noticed. Riley: Hope you don't mind us tagging along. Willow: (forced smile) No. No, of course not. The more the . . . more. Riley: This is Graham. This is Forrest. That's Kevin. And that's Jay in the back. Graham: How you doing. Riley: We're gonna go grab some drinks. Anybody want anything? Buffy: Coke, please. Willow: I'm good. Xander: No. They look to Anya with the offer. Anya: (frowns) We're going away. To dance. Over there. She stands up and takes Xander's arm. Xander: (being dragged away) We are? Riley and the guys head over to the bar and Buffy sits on Anya's stool across from Willow. Buffy: Anya seems a bit on edge. Willow: She's a little angsty around commando-types. Ex-demon issues. Buffy: Oh. (points to the guys) You know, I didn't think that you would mind. Riley and the guys were throwing a little impromptu celebration in my honor and made it, like, impossible to not invite them. Willow: Oh. That's neat about the celebrating. I just thought this was supposed to be, you know, just us. Just the scooby corps., you know. I mean, I could have invited somebody else if I knew it was an open free-for-all. Buffy: I'm sorry. I had no idea. My total bad. (grins) So, who did you want to invite? Willow: What? Buffy: You said you wanted to invite someone. Willow: (nervously) No. Not-- no one. I meant a hypothetical someone which is to say no one. What are we celebrating? Buffy: (lowers voice, but excited) I'm in. The Initiative. Professor Walsh gave me the grand tour and we're talking Grand as in Canyon! You'd never believe the size of it. Willow: That's really . . . again I say 'neat.' So, what do you mean exactly? You've joined them? Buffy: No. N-not exactly. It just means that when I patrol I'll have a heavily armed team backing me up. (smiles) Plus, boyfriend going to work with me: big extra perk. Willow: Buffy, do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, don't you think you're rushing things a little? Buffy: (frowns) I thought you liked Riley? Willow: Not with Riley. With the Initiative. I mean, there's a bunch of stuff about them we still don't know. Buffy: I know that. (then) Like what? Willow: Well, what's their ultimate agenda? I mean, okay, yeah, they-they neuter vampires and demons. But then what? Are they gonna reintegrate them into society? Get them jobs as bagboys at Wal-Mart? Buffy: (in serious thought) Does Wal-Mart have bagboys? Willow: Plus, don't forget that '314' thing that Ethan told Giles about. Buffy: Well, a man that worships chaos and tries to kill you, is a man you can trust. Willow: Well, bad info or not, I just think there's certain questions you should ask before you go off and enlist. A pager goes off and Buffy reaches into her bag to pull it out. Two seconds later five more beepers go off at the bar and Riley checks his pager. Riley: That's us. Let's go. Willow: When did you get a pager? What's going--? Riley steps up to the table and Buffy stands up. Riley: That's our cue. Mother wants us. Buffy: (turns to Willow) Will . . . Willow: I know. Talk later. She doesn't look happy as she watches Buffy leave with Riley and the others. Buffy: So what's the big emergency? Cut to Briefing area at Initiative HQ. There is an overhead projector displaying the image of an ugly demon on a large white screen. Riley is standing to one side of the screen as Professor Walsh walks in front of the group of commandos seated in rows before her. Among them near the back, Buffy sticks out like a . . . well, like a girl in a sea of broad-shouldered military green. That, and she's also the only one seated with a plunging neckline. Walsh: This is your objective. Sub-T: 67119. Demon class: Polgara species. Though visual confirmation has not yet been made, we're confident of the target's approximate position as it leaves behind a distinct protein marker. Dr. Angleman will brief you on its defenses. She takes a seat to the side as Dr. Angleman steps up next to the projector and overlays a second transparent page over the first. This adds long sharp looking protrusions from the demon's arms. Angleman: When threatened . . . bone skewers jut from the creature's forearms during battle. It's imperative when ensnaring it not to damage its arms. That's all you really need to know. Amidst the commandos Buffy raises her hand. Buffy: Question. Dr. Angleman doesn't seem sure how to respond, unaccustomed by this. He glances at Walsh who stands up again. Walsh: Buffy? Buffy: Why exactly can't we damage this polka thing's arms? I, uh, not that I want to, it's just in my experience when fighting for your life body parts get damaged and-- better its bits than mine. (glances at the guys around her) Or . . . ours. Angleman: We wish to study the physiology of every subterrestrial's natural defenses. It's part of the research we do here. (before he can continue--) Uh-- Yes? We see that Buffy had her hand raised again. Buffy: What do they want? Angleman: Want? Buffy: Why are they here? Sacrifices, treasure, or they just get rampagy? (she is starting to get looks from the commandos) I find it's easier to predict their responses if I know-- Angleman: They're not sentient. Just destructive, I believe. Walsh: They do have keen eyesight, however. You might want to be suited up for this. Buffy: Oh. (glancing at the military green around her) You mean the cammo and stuff? I thought about it but, I mean, it's gonna look all 'Private Benjamin.' This gets chuckles from some of the commandos. Buffy: Don't worry I've patrolled in this halter many times. This gets even more chuckles and Riley has to bow his head and clench his jaw to keep from laughing his ass off. Walsh: Why don't we give our attention to Dr. Angleman (Buffy raises hand) and save all questions until the end. Angleman: Actually, I'm finished. Walsh: Oh. Uh, well, Agent Finn, deploy the teams. All business, Riley walks out in front of the group. Riley: Okay, listen up. We'll be going in a four squad set-up. Team Leaders: Gates, Taggart, and Stavros. Alpha Team, you're with me. Walsh: Report for TLs for assignment and weapons requisitions. Reminder: this is a zap-n-trap, people. Capture not a kill. Any questions? (sees a raised hand) (sighing) Buffy. Cut to the front of a closed door. It opens and it's Tara's room. She is surprised to see the person who is standing in the hallway. Tara: Willow? Willow: (sheepishly) A funny thing happened with my prior social engagement. Pretty much ended when a friend of mine went off to do something with another crowd she hangs out with. Irony is kind of ironic that way. (hopefully) Anyway, I know it's late, but I-I thought maybe-- I mean, if you still wanted to . . . do something? Tara just smiles and opens the door wider to let her inside. She closes the door. Cut to a wooded area. Alpha team is on patrol. Buffy is with them. She is walking beside Riley, three other commandos behind them. She's wearing a jacket over her halter top and looks a little glum with her hands shoved in the pockets. Buffy: So I guess she hates me now. Riley: (distracted) What? Buffy: Professor Walsh. Questions. An Initiative faux pas, yes? Riley: It's . . . a little unusual. She's just not used to it. Maybe because you barely ever opened your mouth in her classroom. But I know she likes you. In fact, she liked you before I did. Buffy: (hopeful) Really? Riley: Told me so herself. Buffy: Maybe I should get her a present or something-- Riley: (stops) Buffy. Can we talk about this later? There's a dangerous hostile out here and . . . since I don't have your reflexes, I kinda need to focus. Buffy: Right. Right. They start walking again. After a moment she looks at him. Buffy: What do you mean she liked me before you did? Riley: (oops) Uh. . . . Buffy: You didn't like me? As Riley tries to take his boot out of his mouth we-- See what Beta Team is up to. They're stationed within a cluster of bushes. Graham is scanning the area with night vision goggles and Forrest is standing beside him. Forrest seems to be in a mood of his own. Forrest: (grumbling) It just isn't right. Graham: He made you team leader, didn't he? Forrest: That's not the point. I've always been Riley's second in command. Instead he picks a girl. Graham: His girl. Forrest: Whatever! Three guesses on what that boy is thinking with. Graham: Maybe he just wanted to give you a chance to get out from under his shadow? Forrest: Hey! I'm not under anybody's shadow. Graham: It was a joke, man. Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just saying-- (sees something through the goggles) Hang on. Got something. Forrest: Target? Graham: Negative. Graham passes the goggles to Forrest. Night vision POV: shot of Spike strolling along carrying a sack of groceries. Forrest: Hel-lo, Hostile 17. Graham: (to commandos behind him) You two: standard flanking. Go. The two appointed commandos hurry off to their mission. Cut to front shot of Spike walking. Behind him one of the commandos rush out of the trees carrying a heavy net. He's about to throw the net on Spike when the vampire suddenly spins around and catches it in his fist. He swings the commando around and slams him into a nearby tree. The second commando charges and aims his taser rifle at him. Spike throws his grocery bag in the guy's face and he falls to the ground. Spike flinches back at the pain the Initiative implant causes him. He turns and flees into the woods. Cut to Graham. He has a scoped rifle shouldered and is calmly tracking Spike in his sights. He pulls the trigger and Spike stumbles as he's hit in the shoulder. Growling, he continues to run. Forrest: (to Graham) Alert Control and Alpha Team. We've tagged Hostile 17 with a tracer and we're in pursuit. We return to Buffy and Alpha team who are now stationed in a clearing. Panning shot of the three commandos as a cell phone beeps. Buffy is standing beside Riley who is scanning the area with night vision goggles. One of the commandos steps up to him with the cell phone. Commando: Sir. Graham's on the talkie for you. Reception's not too good. Riley: (into phone) This is Alpha Team, go ahead. We hear Graham's garbled voice but can't make out any of the words. Riley moves further out into the clearing trying to get a better reception. Riley: Say again, Beta Team. You're breaking up. He doesn't see the Polgara demon burst out of the trees behind him, but Buffy does. Buffy: Riley! Riley only has time to see the demon before it shoves him hard to the ground. Buffy rushes forward, as the Polgara steps over Riley to finish him off, and snaps a round kick to its face making it stagger. She steps over Riley spinning into a roundhouse kick across the creature's face and the scene goes into slow-mo. Cue funky tech-noir erotic music (it's actually "Window to Your Soul" by Delirium) as Riley stands up beside Buffy. He pulls out an asp and there is an echoing snap as he extends it with a flick of his wrist and the audio (except for the music) fades completely. Both ready to kick ass, they charge the demon together. Cut to some time later that night: in Riley's room at Lowell House. He and Buffy rush into frame from either side and start kissing passionately. Riley is wearing normal civvie clothes again and Buffy no longer has her jacket on. Skip a few frames and Riley has his head buried in her shoulder, kissing her neck as they rub their hands up and down each other's backs. Cut back to now. Riley is hitting the demon in the arm with the asp, making it stumble, then hits it again in the back of the head. In Riley's room. Close up of his hands undoing the knot on the spaghetti straps of Buffy's halter crisscrossing her back. When it's loose he caresses his hand over her bare skin. Now. Riley's just succeeded in pissing the Polgara off and it knocks him aside with the swing of its powerful arm. Buffy steps in again with another roundkick to its face and follows through with a hard right-left combination. Close up of Riley kneeling in front of Buffy, pulling off her knee-high leather boot. The Polgara is backhanding a commando, flipping him to the ground. Riley, behind it, jabs the asp into the demon's spine. Buffy is pulling Riley's white T-shirt over his head. Her halter is hanging loosely. Riley swings the asp again but the Polgara blocks it and punches him hard across the face. Buffy delivers a back-kick into the creature's chest as Riley falls to the ground. Buffy is trailing a line of kisses down the front of Riley's body, starting at his chest. Buffy slams another right-left punching combo into the Polgara's face. It raises its arm and its bone skewer extends from under its forearm. She ducks as it takes a swing at her head. Riley is getting to his knees. Buffy blocks another strike and knees the demon in the midsection. Riley is behind Buffy slowly sliding the halter off her shoulders. Buffy side steps the Polgara as it tries to stab her and gets behind it. The demon turns to face her again. Buffy is kissing Riley over her shoulder as he caresses her cheek with his hand. More missing frames and Buffy is suddenly sucking one of his fingers as he kisses her shoulder. Buffy ducks under another of the Polgara's swings. Riley picks up a fallen taser gun and takes aim, but Buffy is too close to the creature for a clear shot. We see Buffy lay back on Riley's bed and he slowly lowers himself down on top of her. A couple of missing frames and they're kissing. She's caressing his chest. Buffy slams a two-legged drop kick into the Polgara's chest and drops to the ground as it staggers back. Riley shouts 'now' and he and another commando unleash their tasers. The demon is blasted by the bursts of electricity and the other two commandos are readying a heavy net behind it. *Buffy is now on top and lowers herself down on Riley. More deep kissing, his arms around her. They have the Polgara in the net and it's struggling while Buffy gets to her feet. The audio returns and slow-mo ends as she snaps a front kick into its face, knocking the creature out. The commandos wrap things up and Buffy takes a few steps back, breathing heavy. Riley stands beside her. They face each other. Buffy: So . . . what do you want to do now? Before he says anything-- We go back to Riley's room which becomes now* and Riley is on top again as they continue to make love. The music is replaced by a more sinister theme as we cut to a black and white ceiling-shot of Riley's room. The camera pulls back and we see we're looking into a surveillance monitor. There is a label on top of the monitor that has 'FINN' written on it. As the shot continues to pull back we see two more monitors to either side of it with similar shots of, currently, empty rooms. One is labeled 'GATES' the other 'MILLER.' A control panel becomes visible under the row of monitors. There are two reels of tape spinning, obviously in 'record' mode, and there is someone sitting in front of the control panel. Cut to closing shot of Professor Walsh. Her face is free of any telling expression but her right eye twitches once as she watches. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~ Part Three ~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in on Giles' apartment. Next morning. We can see Giles in the kitchen, through the opening above his bar, pouring some tea. Giles: (over his shoulder) I don't know how many more ways I can say 'I'm not interested.' We see Xander and Anya are sitting on the couch in the living room area. There are several Boost Bar boxes on the coffee table. Xander: W-- try one! Check these flavors. Cherry-berry. Maple walnut. Ooo, almond licorice. Anya: Ew. Giles leaves the kitchen and stands next to the coffee table. Xander: Anya, we don't say 'ew' in front of potential customers. Anya: Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand. Giles: (sighing) Very well. Hmm, maple walnut. Xander: An excellent choice. He takes one out of a box and hands it to Giles. Giles tears the aluminum off the end and takes a bite. He quickly stops chewing and there is a disgusted look on his face. Giles: (menacingly) Please leave my home now. He drops the Boost Bar on the coffee table like it's a handkerchief with a nasty booger on it and searches for something to spit in. Trying to save the sale, Xander grabs another bar from a different box. Xander: It's the, uh, the gritty texture, isn't it? Maybe you're more a cherry-berry fellow. There is a pounding on the door. Desperate sounding. Giles, still suffering from Boost crap in his mouth, heads for the door. Before he reaches it, it bursts open and Spike runs inside. He is holding a tarp over his head, protection from the sunlight. Spike: Close the door! Xander: Spike? You may want to give up these morning jogs. Spike: Soldiers boys are out in force. I've been trying to keep them off my scent. Run them in circles. But they keep coming. Giles takes a quick inspection of his door but he is still able to close it. Spike drops the tarp in relief. Giles: And . . . how is this our concern? Seeing as how you've expressed the desire to have nothing more to do with us. Xander: Spike said that? Giles: Mm-hmm. Xander: (to Spike with feeling) . . . That hurts. Spike: (exasperated) All right. What do you want me to say? I need help. (points at Giles) And no cheek from you. Giles makes a show of zipping his lips shut. Spike: (shrugs his coat off his shoulder) Look! The buggers shot me. In the back. Giles in unmoved and leans against his desk. Giles: Remind me. Why should I help you? Spike: (scoff) Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freaking cavalry. Giles: No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should I help you? Spike: (thinks) Ooh! Because I helped you! When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I? (smug) Giles: And that was out of the, um, evilness of your heart? Spike: (grinning) Oh, hell no. I made you pay me-- (stops grinning and looks at Giles' stoic, but hard, expression) You right bstrd. (he digs out the money from his coat pocket and slams it into Giles' palm) That's all that's left. I spent the rest on blood and smokes, which I'll never see again. (sees Xander and Anya still sitting) Ah, come on! Circle the wagons. Tend to the wounded here. No time for layabouts. Cut to Riley's room. Buffy is in his bed looking comfortable (her sleep-mussed hair just working for me!). She wakes up and her eyes take in her surroundings. Worried, she suddenly rolls over and finds Riley lying next to her, already awake, looking at her. Riley: (smiling) Hey. What's the matter? Weren't expecting to see me? Buffy: (relaxing again) I never know what to expect. They're secure enough with their morning breaths and start kissing in a lazy manner. An electronic chirping sound fills the room. Buffy: (laughing) Your robot bird sounds hungry. Riley: It's just a reminder to take my vitamins. He rolls over and grabs a medicine bottle on his nightstand as the chirping ends. Buffy: (teasing) You're kidding. He downs the pills with a glass of water and returns to his original position. Tucking the sheet around her chest, Buffy sit up against the headboard. Riley: Sorry. Buffy: (starts to play with his short bangs with her fingers) Quite the regimental soldier. Riley: I am how they trained me. Buffy: They? Who they? Riley: You know, the government. Plucked me out of special op training for this. Buffy: What did they tell you it was for? Riley: They didn't. In the military you learn to follow orders. Not ask questions. Buffy: I don't understand. Aren't you curious about all the science and research stuff they're doing? Riley: Hm. I know all I need to know. We're doing good here. Protecting the public. Removing the subterrestrial threat. It's work worth doing. They're silent for a moment. Buffy becomes serious. Buffy: What's 314? Riley seems surprised by the question but before he can say anything, his phone rings. Riley: (answers it) Riley. Walsh: (VO) We have a situation. You're needed. Riley: On my way. He hangs up. Buffy: What is it? Riley: Don't know. (gets up) Buffy: You're really not one for asking questions, are you? Riley: (smiles) I'll leave that to you. Cut to Initiative headquarters. Riley, in commando attire, is walking across the floor when he glances at the metal security door and stops. He walks over and peers through the small wired-glass window. Down the corridor he can see the door marked 314. Walsh: Lose your way, agent? Turns to face Walsh, standing behind him. Riley: No ma'am. Walsh: I've instructed Beta Team to suspend pursuit of Hostile 17 until your arrival. I didn't want any slip-ups, that's why I'm putting you in charge. (hands him a piece of paper) You'll rendezvous with them at these coordinates. He acknowledges with a nod and starts to walk off. Walsh: Riley. (he faces her) Make me proud. Riley: Yes, ma'am. He continues on and Walsh watches him leave. Cut to lab behind door 314. Dr. Angleman is in surgical scrubs and has just finished using an electric bone-saw on something we can't see. Walsh: (OS) I think we've got a situation. Angleman looks up from his work and as he pulls his mask down we see his latexed fingers are bloodied. Angleman: The Slayer? Walsh: (begins to pace) She's becoming a liability. Angleman: We knew that was a danger. Does she know about the project? Walsh: She knows it exists. She already holds too much influence over Riley --over Agent Finn. Angleman: We move to the contingency scenario? Walsh: Right away. Angleman is now using scissor clamps on the something we still can't see. Angleman: That's too bad. She could have been a powerful ally. Walsh: I know. Angleman: And Finn will take it hard. Walsh: That's why sooner is better. We finally see what Angleman was working on as he lifts the left arm, severed at the shoulder, of the Polgara demon lying on the table. He moves away from the table with it and we can see Adam on a another table several feet away. Walsh: (to herself) It's better. Cut to Giles' apartment. Spike is sitting backwards in a chair, his bare chest against the backrest. Giles is standing behind him, wearing latex gloves, exploring the wound with a pair of long tweezers. Xander and Anya are on either side of him shining flashlights on the wound. Spike: Oww! Watch it. That hurts. Giles: It doesn't appear to be a bullet. It's too deeply embedded to be a tranquilizer dart. Spike: (grumble) Also not tranquil. Giles: Some sort of . . . illumination emanating from it. It's blinking. Spike: I don't care if it's playing 'Rockin' the Casbah' on the bloody Jew's harp, (human growling) just get it out of me! Giles: Anya, there's a bottle of Cognac in the cabinet next to the sink. Can you get it for me? Spike: (as she leaves) What? You're gonna get snockered now? Giles: It's not for me, you prat. If I'm gonna operate on you then I need you in anesthetized. It's going to take some time. (picks up a scalpel) Xander: We don't have any. That blinking thing. My pseudo-soldier memory bank tells me that's a tracer. Giles: A what? Spike: A what? Xander: It's like a homing beacon. And if commando guys are reading the signal, they're coming home. Anya returns with the bottle and offers it to Spike. He grabs it and takes a healthy swig. Giles: Well, we need to buy some time. It's in deep and I'm no surgeon. Cut to Buffy and Willow's dorm room, in Stevenson Hall. Buffy walks inside and closes the door behind her. The room is empty and she sees that Willow's bed is just as undisturbed as her own. She goes to her desk to put down her bag and takes off her jacket. She's no longer wearing the infamous halter top (no, you gutterfaces, she's not topless) she's wearing a dark long-sleeve blouse. The door opens behind her and Willow walks in. Willow: Oh, hi. Buffy: Hey. (indicating the bed) Out all night, huh? Willow: You, too. Buffy: Yeah. They're silent for a moment and Willow is fidgeting with something in her hand. It's the dolls-eye crystal she had refused from Tara yesterday. (Hmm . . .) She walks to her side of the room and sets it on top of her dresser. Buffy: Sorry about bailing on you guys at the Bronze. Willow: That's okay. I . . . (glances at the crystal, then to Buffy) Don't worry about it. Buffy: (smiles) Okay. Buffy's pager goes off and she retrieves it from her bag. Willow: Wow, they really keep you hopping, don't they? Buffy: (clipping it to the waistband of her blue jeans) Yeah. I gotta go. I'll see ya? Willow watches her leave. Then the phone rings and she crosses the room to answer it. Willow: Hello? Cut to Giles. He's using his new cordless phone (A New Man). Giles: Willow. You're there at last. We have a problem. Where's Buffy? Willow: (cut to) Just left. (sarcastic) Beeped away by her new buds. You want me to go after her? Giles: (cut to) Uh, no, no. It's your help I need, actually. Willow: (cut to) Really? What do you want me to do? Cut to Initiative headquarters. Buffy is walking with Walsh. Walsh: It's a small job. Reconnaissance. Probably a waste of a Slayer's abilities, but my boys are on assignment so I-- Buffy: No. It's okay. I'm up for some action. Walsh: I doubt you'll get any on this one. They reach a table and Walsh points to a map. Walsh: We have a reading of a class three subterrestrial moving through the sewer tunnels just on the edge of town. Buffy: Class three? Walsh: It's a low-level threat. Minimal aggression. Meager defenses. Commando: Professor Walsh. (walks up and hands her a taser rifle) Walsh: They barely show up on the scanner and occasionally turn out to be raccoons. (hands the weapon to Buffy) Buffy: (examining it) Wow. You're not crazy about raccoons, huh? Walsh: We always take precautions. (picks up the com-cam from the table) All we need you to do is get a visual on this thing. This will feed me back an image and I can advise you from there. I don't want to put you in any unnecessary danger. (hands it to Buffy) Buffy: Oh. That's okay. Danger's my birthright. Not used to such a weapon, Buffy carelessly lets the barrel point towards Walsh, who casually diverts the weapon away with her hand. Buffy: Sorry. Um, Professor Walsh. There's, uh-- There's still some stuff about all this that I'm not clear on. Walsh: (a beat) Well, when you get back we can have a talk. Buffy: Good. Okay. When I get back. (turns to leave then stops) Am I supposed to salute you? Walsh: No. Buffy: Okay. Buffy walks off and Walsh glances down at the table. Then she looks over her shoulder to watch Buffy leave. Back at Giles' apartment. Panning shot from the Cognac bottle, hanging loosely in Spike's hand, we see he has a barely conscious expression on his face. He's now laying across the cleared surface of Giles' desk. Xander, and Anya are still in normal positions as Giles continues to work on the wound and Willow is now there standing to one side. She is reading from her 'Witchcraft' spellbook in one arm and is holding the dolls-eye crystal in her other palm. Willow: (chanting spell) Tropo, strato, meso, aero, iono, exo . . . Xander: (to Giles) So how is this supposed to work again? Giles: If she succeeds her spell will ionize the atmosphere around us thereby disrupting the tracer's signal. (from Xander's 'duuuh?' expression) Buys us time. Willow: (chanting) Elements are brought to bear. Wind, earth, and water churn amidst the fire. Let the air be burned. They all jump as the spell takes effect and there is a shot of every lightbulb in the apartment exploding. Willow: (OS) Did it work? Is the atmosphere ionized? Shot of our gang. How to describe their hair? Okay, their hair is doing the Don King, Yahoo Serious, finger-in-an-open-light-socket, electrocuted (pick the metaphor that works for you) thing. Or another way: they decided to raid Angel's supply of mousse and used it all at once. But we can't see Spike's hair in this shot. They glance at one another and static electricity can be heard doing the 'snap, crackle, pop' in their hair. Giles: (deadpan) I'd venture yes. Cut to wooded area. Riley has joined up with Beta Team and Forrest is on point with the tracer receiver beeping in his hand. Riley: What do you mean, the signal's whacked? Forrest: I mean the blips a blob. Some kind of interference messing with the tracer. Riley: Try to lock it down. We headed in the right general direction? They stop as Forrest tries to get a bearing. Forrest: (sighs) I think so. It's gonna put us in populated areas. Riley: Okay, then. We change into civvies and then move out. Maybe something will turn up. They continue on. We cut to Buffy in the sewers. We see her emerging from a tunnel and she steps inside a larger chamber. She's armed with the taser rifle and is wearing the com-cam hooked over her left ear. She hears a snarling sound coming from deep in the chamber. Buffy: (into mic) Professor Walsh, are you getting this? Possible SHT? Make it a definite. She sees a green squid-faced demon step out, wearing ragged robes and carrying a long battle ax. A second demon steps out with it, also armed with a battle ax. Buffy: And he's brought along a friend. They seem-- Buffy suddenly flashbacks to her tour at the Initiative and remembers seeing these two demons being worked on in 'the Pit.' Buffy aims the taser rifle at them and pulls the trigger. The weapon short-circuits with a burst of sparks and Buffy drops it from the shock. She turns to flee the way she came but a barred gate is dropping in place, blocking her escape into the tunnel. Buffy looks at the approaching demons and has a 'Oh, f** me!' expression on her face. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part Four ~~~~~~~~~~~ Back where we left Buffy. She is standing on a three-foot raised section as she watches the demons approach. On the ground level, the taser rifle is still short-circuiting, shooting sparks. The demons charge and she hops down, hitting them with alternating front kicks. The second demon is quicker to recover and swings the ax down at her head. She side steps and kicks it in the back of the knee, throwing it off balance, and sends a back kick into the first demon. The second demon gets up again smashing the ax handle into her chin, turning her around. The first demon is swinging its ax at her and she catches the handle with her hands. As they struggling with it, the second demon slams the handle of its ax into the small of her back. The first demon uses this to wrest free its weapon from Buffy's hold and she falls to the ground in a shoulder roll. As she stands back up to face the demons, we cut to a black and white shot of the com-cam's POV. On the monitor we see the rhythm of her heart beat and that her BPM is 145. We can see her hands are raised in a fighting stance and the picture starts to jerk wildly as she dodges the demons' attacks. We can hear her sounds of exertion and the growls of the creatures. Cut to Walsh, standing in front of Control's operations panel, watching the monitors. She calmly takes a sip from her coffee mug as the fight continues. Com-cam POV. Buffy's hands grab the handle of one of the demon's ax and wrestles with it. The other demon attacks and swings its ax down towards the screen. The picture suddenly drops to the ground showing a close up of the sewer floor. The BPM drops from 145 . . . 109 . . . 73 . . . 37 . . . 1 . . . -?- in less than a second and the heart rhythm flatlines with the a steady monotonous EEEEEEEE. . . . . Walsh glances around but she is the only person who knows what's happened. She calmly takes another sip from her mug. Cut back to Beta Team. They are in civvies and walking down the sidewalk of a residential street. Riley: Talk to me, Forrest. Forrest: Signal's somewhere in this neighborhood. Estimate within a two-block radius. In Giles' apartment. Giles is digging into Spike's wound with the tweezers while Anya holds the flashlight for him. She, Xander, and Willow or nervously munching on Boost Bars. Oh, and their hair is more or less back to normal. Willow: It feels, and looks, like the ionizing spell is wearing off. Xander: Giles? Giles: I've got it. I've got it! He holds up the tweezers and we see a two-inch dart with a blinking red light on the blunt end. Back to Beta Team. They're getting closer. Riley: Okay, we want to keep the hostile contained, so no one is to make a move without my-- Forrest: (stops) Wait. Signal's cleared up. (points across the street) There. Riley: Let's go! They take off across the street. Giles' apartment. He hands Xander the tweezers Giles: Um, go! With the tracer in one hand, Boost Bar in the other, Xander dashes down the hallway and skids around the corner. Forrest suddenly stops. Riley: What? Forrest: It's on the move. Riley: Heading? Forrest: Straight at us. Forty meters and closing. Moving fast. Graham: In broad daylight? Riley: Look alive people. Weapons at the ready. They unsling their backpacks and slip a hand inside. Forrest: Twenty-five meters . . . twenty . . . fifteen. Riley: Where? Forrest: To the left. Ten meters . . . five! Riley: Anyone? Graham: I got nothing. Forrest: This doesn't make sense. It went right past us. They're all looking around. Riley notices a drain gutter. Riley: (disgusted) Flushed. The tracers been flushed. Cut to the sewers. Close up shot of the com-cam lying on the dirty sewer floor, without Buffy's head. We can hear Buffy and the demons still fighting. Returning to the handicap match already in progress . . . They have Buffy surrounded and the first demon charges but she deflects the ax and shoves the creature into the second the demon, pinning it against the wall. She steps forward with an inward crescent kick to knock the ax aside and slams a right fist into its gut. Not missing a beat, she's already following through with a hard left hook, as the first demon bends forward giving her a clear shot at the second demon's face. She raises a knee into the first demon's face, making him stand straight again, and then spins into a jumping back kick, slamming them both against the wall again. Stunned, the first demon falls on its face, but the second demon charges Buffy. She's able to grab the handle of its ax as it drives her back into the opposite wall. She wrestles with it as the first demon gets back to its feet and starts to swing its ax directly at Buffy. In the last instant, she twists the second demon around in front of her, who takes the blade in the stomach. As it falls to the ground dead, the first demon takes another swing at Buffy who ducks away. The demon quickly follows through into another swing and she catches the handle again. She diverts the blade away from her and takes a quick punch at the creature's face. It's stunned and she rips the ax from its grip and the weapon flies away from them. But Buffy is off balance as she backs away. The demon takes advantage by punching her hard in the face, sending her to floor. The demon goes after its weapon, stepping into a drainage canal where the ax is laying. Buffy raises her head a notices the still-sparking taser rifle just a couple of feet from her. As the demon bends down to pick up its weapon, she sees it's standing in water. Getting to her knees, she snatches up the taser and tosses it at the demon's feet. It hits the water and electricity dances over the creature as it spasms wildly, growling in pain. The chamber is lit up and Buffy just watches until it finally falls in the water dead. As Buffy catches her breath we-- Return to Initiative headquarters. Riley walks up behind Walsh who is still standing in front of the Control operations panel. At the sound of his voice she turns to face him. She looks shakened. Riley: Regret to report Hostile 17 is still at large. I left Beta Team to comb the area but the tracer's-- Walsh: (interrupting) Riley, something's happened. I-I don't know what to say. It-it-it's about Buffy. Riley: Buffy? She takes a few steps away from the monitors, com-cam POV still on the sewer floor, and Riley stands in front of her. Walsh: Two of our hostiles broke free and escaped into the tunnels. She . . .went after them on her own. (meets his eyes) She's dead, Riley. Riley: (shocked) . . . . What?! (this transcript does not do justice to the amount of pain he puts into that one word) Walsh: I did everything I could to stop her. I told her to wait for a back-up team, she kept insisting she didn't need any team. She could handle it by herself. I-I'm so, so sorry. Riley's obviously struggling not to break down as he hears this. Riley: I don't understand. Behind Walsh, the com-cam image on the monitors suddenly start to move. Walsh: I know what she meant to you. Riley: How could this happen? Walsh: She was a very, very special girl. The com-cam image is still and Buffy steps into the picture and kneels in front of it. Her expression is pissed to the tenth power. Walsh: I didn't understand at first. But she had something. I don't know . . . maybe I could have stopped her. Riley sees Buffy's face in the monitors. Walsh: It's hard not to blame myself. Buffy: (steely voice) Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on . . . wasn't a raccoon. (Walsh slowly faces the monitors) Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Walsh is speechless. Buffy: Trust me when I say you're gonna find out. Buffy stands up and walks off camera. The image suddenly pitches to the floor and there is a crunch as all the screens turn snowy with static. Walsh slowly turns to face Riley again. He's looking down at her doing a pretty good tenth power pissed expression himself. Walsh: Riley . . . Without a word he starts walking away. Walsh: Agent Finn. I order you to stop! He doesn't. Walsh: Agent Finn! He's gone. Walsh: RILEY! Cut to Giles' apartment. He's removing the latex gloves. Spike is sitting on the edge of the desk, putting his black T-shirt back on, careful of his wounded shoulder. Giles: It will be dark soon. I think it will be wise for you to leave Sunnydale. Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was. Xander: (sarcastic) Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people. Spike: Do you think that would work? Giles: (removing his glasses) Spike-- lord knows why I'm telling you this-- it's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation it's not safe for you here. Cut to Buffy who has just walked in. Buffy: No. Everyone turns to face her. They see the grave expression on her face. Buffy: It's not safe for any of us. And on that cheery note we-- Cut to what's behind door number 314. The lab is dimly lit. Walsh is approaching the table where Adam is still sleeping. He --it-- no longer has a sheet covering him and we can see more of his mismatched demon body. He's wearing commando pants and boots. There is a strange metal/electronic plate on his chest where the heart would be. Walsh is speaking in a soft, menacingly halting, but strangely affectionate (did I mention creepy?) tone. Walsh: (looking down at him) So. All right. Fine. If she wants a fight, we'll give her one. Won't we, Adam? I've worked too long. Too long . . . to let some little bitch threaten this project. Threaten me. (she paces to the end of the table and puts a hand on Adam's boot) She has no idea who she's dealing with. Once she's gone, Riley will come around. He'll understand. She turns toward the second table which is empty. The surgical bone-saw is lying on it. She slowly picks it up to put it away. Walsh: It's for the greater good. He'll see that. And if he doesn't . . . Well, first things first. Remove the complication and when she least expects it--AHH! A long sharp spear suddenly bursts from her chest. Shocked, she looks down at it, then looks over her shoulder. She sees Adam is awake and standing behind her. Walsh: (fading) Adam? Walsh falls and she slides off the spear. Adam raises his new Polgara left arm and we see the blood on the bone skewer. He's looking down at Walsh's body. ADAM: Mommy.	Plan: A: Professor Walsh; Q: Who decides that Buffy is a threat to The Initiative? A: Lindsay Crouse; Q: Who plays Professor Walsh? A: a dangerous mission; Q: What does Professor Walsh send Buffy on to kill her? A: Riley; Q: Who discovers that Professor Walsh has tried to kill Buffy? A: the organization; Q: What does Riley think about leaving when she finds out that Professor Walsh has tried to kill Buffy? Summary: When Professor Walsh ( Lindsay Crouse ) decides Buffy is a threat to The Initiative, she decides to kill her by sending her on a dangerous mission. Riley discovers that Professor Walsh has tried to kill Buffy and begins to think seriously of leaving the organization.
Degrassi - Hall Liberty is interviewing Paige, Hazel, and a guy named Oskar about Degrassi's Spirit Squad Oskar: Sorry I'm late. Liberty: No problem, the interview isn't over yet. Hazel, you were saying? Hazel: Well, we're a school Sanken club. Paige: So now, it's just a question of getting enough people to sign up, but they will, of course. Liberty: Ok, what would you say to a student who thinks cheerleading is sexist? Hazel: I'd say, get over it. Welcome to the new millenium. Paige: Totally. I mean, cheerleading is such a positive thing. It's great exercise. Hazel: It builds leadership skills. Oskar: It's better than watching TV. Paige: And it boosts school spirit. I mean, what's bad about that? Liberty: Thank you and good luck. (Liberty leaves) Manny comes up to Paige and taps her on the shoulder. Paige: Can I help you? Manny: I'm Manny, I'd like to try out. Paige: Ok, what can you do? Manny goes to the end of the hall and does a great cartwheel. Paige: (When Manny finishes) Manny, sweetie, sign right here. Manny takes the clipboard, signs it, and gives it back to Paige with a smile. Media Immersion Paige is on the TV, talking about the Spirit Squad Paige: School spirit, can you have enough? If you ask me, the answer is no. That's why I've formed the Degrassi Spirit Squad. So come sign up, girls and boys. Give me a D! Give me an E! Give a G! Give me a R! Give me a A! Give me an S! Give me an S! Give me an I! What does that spell Degrassi! Whoo! Emma: Give me a break. Cheerleaders? Please. (Manny nods as she watches) Hall Emma and Manny are walking. Emma: It's like we're traveling back in time. Cheerleading is so over. Manny: What? Cheerleading is huge, more popular than ever. Emma: So are a lot of things that are just sexist and wrong. Manny: How can it be sexist if there are guys? Emma: I bet the guys won't be wearing tight sweaters and mini skirts. Manny: I hope not. Anyway, I was just thinking cheerleading might be fun. Emma: Fun? Manny, you're not thinking of...You want to become some pom-pom - pumping robot? I'm surprised. Manny: Em... Emma: Too tell you the truth, I don't Degrassi should have a squad. Period. Manny: Ok, forget it. You're right. Can we talk about something else? Another part of the hall. JT and Toby are stuffing their faces with Pringles chips. JT: I can't taste them anymore. I can't taste anything anymore. Toby: it's just the sodium. Keep going, faster. Mr. R is going up the stairs and sees them. Mr. R: What exactly are you two doing? JT and Toby: Nothing. (They turn around and hurriedly finish eating) He leaves Cafeteria Spinner is setting some food out. As he does, he notices JT and Toby are at a table with a lot of Pringles cans on it. JT: Why don't you trust me? Toby: I don't not trust you. I just want to make sure you didn't overlook the Ace of Clubs. JT: As if I'd overlook that. Toby: You're right. You didn't. No luck. (Liberty walks by, eating Pringles) At 12:00, Liberty Van Zandt, chip can. (They run up to her) Liberty: (They turn her around) What? Toby: We can't come over to say hi? JT: Ok, we want your chip can. (Toby elbows him) Toby: Shut up. Liberty: Guys, what's going on? JT: It's a contest. Get one can with the Ace of Spades and one with the Ace of Clubs. You win a million bucks. Toby: We already have the Ace of Spades and it's in a top secret hiding place. JT: Yes, yes. Very top secret. Toby: But, we still need the other half and the deadline's in three days. Liberty: You've been doing this how long? Toby: Two months. Liberty: Some advice: Find a dictionary and look up "Pathetic". JT: Can we just have your can? Liberty gives it to them. Toby dumps the chips in JT's hand and look inside. Then, puts his hand over it. Toby: "Sorry, try again." Like the rest of them. Liberty: (Sees the inside) Try again? JT: Liberty, wait. Liberty, let's make a deal. Emma and Manny They are walking past Paige's table with food. Emma: So you're still coming tonight to study right? (Manny nods) Paige: Manny, there you are. Let's see that awesome cartwheel again. (She doesn't move) Come on, Manny. If you want to be on the Spirit Squad, you can't be shy. Manny puts her tray down and does the cartwheel. Oskar: Still amazing. Hazel: Yeah, but her landing could have been smoother, if you ask me. Paige: Better watch out, Manny. You're making Hazel jealous. (Hazel laughs as if to say "yeah, right.") Girls Washroom. Emma: Please. Paige? Hazel? Are you gonna like, do your colors like, together like? Manny: Come on, Emma. They're the coolest kids in school. Emma: Mm-hmm. Manny: And they like me, a grade 7. That's a pretty big deal you know. Emma: The big deal is no one in this school except me is pointing out the bad side of cheerleading. Manny: Maybe because no one else feels the same way you do. Most people realize that it's just good fun. Emma: Well, maybe if my views were brought to the school's attention... Manny: What? Are you saying you're gonna write another article for the Grapevine? Emma: No. It's not that big a deal. Manny: Great. Can we just talk about something else for a while, please? (They leave the Washroom) Library Liberty: You'd have nothing without me. JT: And you'd have nothing without us. 50/50, that's our final offer. Spinner: (Comes out from behind a bookshelf) Make that 45/45. Toby: That only makes 90%. Spinner: That's right, Einstein. Plus, 10% for me. Liberty: What for? Spinner: For protection. Toby: Protection? From who? The only people who know about this are me, JT, Liberty, and you. (Spinner backs him up against a curtain. Then, the bell rings) Hall Toby: Ok, JT will bring the Ace of Spades tomorrow. Spinner: I'll hold on to the Ace of Clubs in the meantime, for protection. Toby: Then, we go cash in. One million smackers. Outside Manny is walking outside alone, when she runs into Paige and Hazel. Paige: Hey, girl. Something wrong? Manny: It's Emma. She's taking this whole cheerleading is sexism thing too far. Paige: Really? How far? Manny: She did say she might write something for the Grapevine. Paige: You know what Manny needs, Hazel? Some time with the girls. Want to hang out? Manny: (Hooking arms with Paige and Hazel) Wow. That would be amazing. My house is like 2 minutes from here. Manny's Room Hazel is looking in her closet as they talk. Hazel: I'd say an 8. Manny: Hello, we're talking about Joseph here. Try 9. Paige: Try 4. He doesn't wear deodorant. Major pointage loss on the scent factor. But, I guess we shouldn't be rating boys. Perfect Little Emma would say it's sexist. Hazel: Just like cheerleading. (The phone rings) Manny: Guys, it's her. Paige: Make sure she's not writing the article Manny. Manny: (She answers it) Hello? Emma: Manny, where are you? I thought you were coming over tonight to study. Manny: I was, but I'm not feeling too well. Must be a 24- hour flu. Emma: Oh, well I hope you feel better. Manny: Thanks. But, Em, I was just wondering, just to make sure, you're not really going to write that article for the Grapevine? Emma: I told you I wasn't. Why? Manny: (Whispers to Paige and Hazel) She's not. Paige: I mean, trying to protect the world from cheerleading? As if. Emma: Did I hear Paige? Manny: She'll be leaving soon and then I'll come by. Emma: Don't bother. (She hands up) Manny: guys, she heard you. (Paige and Hazel don't look like they care) JT's Room His room is a mess because he can't find the other can. JT: I am toast. Gym The Spirit Squad is practicing. All: Hey, all you Panthers fans. Show some spirit, clap your hands. D.C.S., let's hear it. D.C.S. let's hear it. Hazel: Ok, let's try this new move. It's called The Toe Touch. I'll show you. (She does a move that has her foot go up in the air) Ok? Paige: Not bad, but let's not get crazy here. Besides, I'm sure Manny could do it better. Manny: I don't know about that, girl. Paige: Try. Manny does the move, then does a split, waving the pom-poms over her head. Paige: Manny, sweetie, you're so going to be the star of the show. After me, of course. The camera goes to the door, where we see Emma watching and then she leaves. Room Liberty is on a computer, when Emma knocks on the door. Liberty: Emma, can I help you? Emma: I know this is totally last minute, but I have an article here for the Grapevine. Liberty: Emma, I'm just about to publish. Emma: Please, just read it before you say no. Liberty: (Takes it) "How can we advance as women if some of us insist on wearing short skirts and dancing like bimbos?" Wow. That's harsh. Emma: Really? I didn't think it was strong enough. I could make it harsher. Liberty: No, no. This is good. You do know that Manny signed up for the Spirit Squad? Isn't it's weird that you're attacking it? Emma: No, what's weird is Manny. She's totally becoming this phony person. Liberty puts her feet up on the desk. Emma: What are those? Liberty: Aren't they the most beautiful boots you've ever seen? Emma: They are...they're something. Liberty takes something off one boot, then puts it back on the desk, smiling. Hall Manny is walking with Paige and Hazel Paige: Manny, that last hand stand was flawless. Oh look it's "Little Miss Save The World". Emma: And it's "Little Miss Plastic". Shouldn't you out testing your make up on animals? Paige: Shouldn't you be out hugging trees? Manny: Guys, come on. Emma: Manny, you were asking about this. It's coming out at noon. Paige: "The spirit squad's only spirit is the spirit of sexism." Look what your little friend wrote. (Gives it to Manny) Manny: Nice, Emma. So I'm a bimbo too. (She crumples it up then stomps away into the bath -room. Emma picks it up and follows her in.) [SCENE_BREAK] Girls Washroom Emma throws the paper in the trash. Manny: I can't believe you wrote that article, Em. You've got to get Liberty to cancel it. Emma: How long have we been friends? Manny: Since Kindergarten. Emma: And now you think you can drop me like a hot potato just because, ooh, some eighth grader is finally talking to you? Manny: It's not like that, Em. I want to become a cheerleader that's all. Emma: Please. Manny: Is it so wrong if I become friends with Paige in the process? Emma: You honestly think Paige is your friend? Manny: Is that so hard to believe? That for once someone cool likes me? Emma: She's just using you, Manny. Manny: no, you're just jealous. Emma: Jealous? Of that pretentious wannabe? Manny: You know the difference between you and Paige? Paige is fun. You're so boring sometimes I want to scream. Emma: Well I sure hope you and Paige have fun together. Just don't come drying to me when she stabs a knife in your back. (She leaves) Manny: Don't worry, I won't. Media Immersion Emma goes in and sits down. Toby: Please. I can afford it. It's yours. Really. Take it. (A girl takes something Toby had in his hand and leaves) JT: What are you doing? Toby: It was cheap. I'm upgrading my whole electronics system. JT: You want to stop doing that for a while. Toby: Why? You do have the other can, don't you? You lost the Ace of Spades? JT: I didn't lose it, I just misplaced it. Toby: How could you misplace our chance at a million bucks? JT: My mom went on one of her cleaning binges. I just can't remember where I moved it to. Toby: Well, think man think! Liberty: Ah, my two favorite people. Anything wrong? (The bell rings) Mr. Simpson: Ok, our last unit was on-line portfolios. (Manny comes in and sits down just as he closes the door) Today I'm going to introduce you to Photo shop. So you can begin to learn how to scan and edit images digitally. It's amazing what these programs can do. You change hair color, eye color, whatever you want. Now, we're going to take it slow at first because I don't want you guys to get too caught up with playing around with the technology... Bell rings The Hall P.A.: Students, remember to pick up a copy of the new edition of the Degrassi Grapevine, out now. And lunch today is Mongolian chicken stir-fry. Manny is walking, when she sees Paige and Hazel take all the copies of The Grapevine and go in the gym. She follows them. Gym Manny: What you guys doing? Paige: Just making some editorial changes (They start ripping out what Emma wrote of the Grapevine). Emma's article is just horrible. I mean, it's really going to hurt us. Here Manny, you do the next one. Normally I wouldn't put stock in anything a grade 7 wrote, no offense. Hazel: But we need 12 people for the squad and we only have 8. This article might convince people not to join. Paige: And then, no spirit squad. I mean, you do want a spirit squad? Manny: Of course. Paige: Then prove it. Manny takes the newspaper from Paige and rips out the article. Paige: There. Was that so hard? Outside Toby: This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. JT, when was the last time you remember having it? JT: What are you, my mother? If I knew that, I'd have it right now. I lost it. So sue me. Liberty: JT, if you find that can, or I will sue you. (Spinner is with her) Toby: Spinner, shouldn't you supposed to be at work? Liberty: He has his priorities. And his priority right now is to hurt JT. I told him everything. JT: Guys, I'll make it up to you. I'll be your slave. Spinner: Sorry, I don't speak dork. JT, you're gonna find that can if I have to stuff you in your locker- JT: My locker. That's it. Hall JT opens his locker and tries to find the can, throwing everything out that isn't it on the floor. JT: No, they're not in there. It's in a plastic bag. (Gets a blue bag) There it is. Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs, we're rich. Spinner: (Looks at the cans) You moron, they're both clubs? (Shows JT) Toby: Oh no. JT: Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs, they're so similar. Spinner: I knew it was a mistake, hooking up with a bunch of loser grade sevens. (He leaves) JT: Guys, come on. (Liberty and Toby stuff JT in his locker and closes it and leaves) Help, help! Media Immersion Paige is looking at designs for a cheer uniform with Manny and Oskar there. Paige: I think I like the shorter skirts better, Oskar. In the blue and gold. Oh yeah, it's it. Manny: Yeah, I think that looks way better. Emma and Mr. Simpson enter with the Grapevine newspapers. Mr. Simpson: You guys know anything about this? (Shows the page where the article used to be) Paige: Who would do something like that? Emma: You tell me. My opinion piece was stripped out of every copy of the Grapevine. Paige: Well, I nothing to do with it. Mr. Simpson: No one's accusing you, Paige. Even if it was, it was Emma's critique of the Spirit Squad that was attacked. I don't have to tell you that vandalism could result in suspension. This is pretty serious. Manny: (stands up) Mr. Simpson... Paige: Let me, Manny. If anyone should tell you this Mr. Simpson, it should be me. As head of the Spirit Squad. But, we saw Hazel hanging around foyer earlier, acting suspicious. Mr. Simpson: More incidents like this, and the school may question having extracirrculars activities at all, including the Spirit Squad. You got it? (Manny sits down) Hall Manny is at her locker. Paige: So, two more people signed up. We're really on our way. Manny: Why did you do that? Why did you back stab Hazel? Paige: Hello, I had to give up somebody and you were about to spill your guts. I was simply looking out for you. Manny: Well, don't, okay? Not if it means dragging me into your dirty work. Paige: My dirty work? You were there, too. Manny: Yeah, I ripped one newspaper. Paige: One? More like all. Or at least that's what I'll tell Mr. Simpson if you don't shut up. Manny: Paige you were the one who... Paige: Who's he gonna believe? You or me? Manny: Let's go find out. Paige: Manny, what is your damage? Manny: You, Paige. Paige: You better watch your mouth. Manny: Or what? You'll spread lies about me? Deface my locker? Just try it. (Moves closer to Paige and glares at her) Girl: Whoa. Girl # 2: Crazy. Paige: F.Y.I: Your attitude sucks. Good luck making the squad. (She leaves in a huff, pushing people put of her way) Manny leaves and we see Emma was watching. Outside Manny is outside her house when Emma approaches her. Emma: Hey. Manny: Hey. Emma: Can I sit down? Manny: Sure. Emma: Manny, I wanted to apologize. I should have supported your cheerleading, not attacked you. Manny: Why? It's just a bunch of stupid sexist idiot girls prancing around. Emma: Manny I was wrong, I'm admitting it. Manny: It's just, all I wanted to do as have fun, Em. Then Paige took an interest in me. It all became so complicated. I'm sorry. Emma: So what are you gonna do? About the Spirit Squad, I mean? Manny: Give it up. Paige won't want me anymore, not after what I said to her. Emma: Manny, you're good. Paige is mean, not dumb. She's not gonna cut you from the squad. And besides, what you said, that was amazing. Manny: You were there? Emma: (nods) And you know? I couldn't have said it better myself. Manny smiles at her.	Plan: A: Paige; Q: Who starts a Spirit Squad at school? A: Manny; Q: Who wants to join the Spirit Squad? A: an unsupportive Emma; Q: Who does Manny question her friendship with? A: a contest; Q: What do Spinner, Liberty, J.T., and Toby team up to win? Summary: Paige starts a Spirit Squad at school. Manny, who desperately wants to join, starts to hang out with the "it crowd," and begins to question her friendship with an unsupportive Emma. Meanwhile, Spinner, Liberty, J.T., and Toby team up to win a contest.
Skyline: A blimp flies over the city. ACT ONE Scene One - Lilith's Home Freddie is seated at the table, writing. Lilith stands near a bookcase, going through a file drawer. Lilith: Here we are. File A, slide sheet 1, image 1 of subject Frederick G. Crane. Freddie: Mom! Lilith: [showing him the slide sheet] Here you are, just an hour after being wrestled from my grudging womb. Freddie: Gross! Lilith: You know, if you'd like there's still time to include this in your Bar Mitzvah video. Freddie: Thanks, but I just want to get through this thing with as little humiliation as possible. Lilith: [going through a box] Oh, look at this! Your hospital cap. The very combed cotton that swaddled your little...[voice breaking] head. Lilith's emotional reaction is very minor, but somehow, for her it seems big. Freddie: Are you okay? Lilith: Of course I am. It's only natural that there should be some emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift in our relationship. I knew it would come, I just wasn't expecting such a roller coaster. [She pauses briefly.] All done. Is this your guest list? Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to invite so many friends. I don't even know some of these people. And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman? I thought you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class. Freddie: He's not so bad. Besides, the more people you invite, the more presents you get. Lilith: Frederick... a Bar Mitzvah is a rite of passage, not an opportunity for you to collect presents. Freddie: I'm sorry. You're right. I'll try to trim it down. SMASH CUT TO: Scene Two - KACL Frasier is walking down the hall. Kenny approaches. Kenny: Hey, Doc! Frasier: Kenny. Kenny: I can't tell you how touched I am that Freddie invited me to his Bar Mitzvah. Frasier: He did? Kenny: Yeah! What a great kid! That's your son, right? Frasier: Yes. I wasn't aware that you two had met. Kenny: We haven't. Eh, I guess he's probably heard his share of Kenny stories. Frasier: [chuckling] Yeah. From whom? Kenny: You sly kidder. It sounds like a hoot, but if I don't find someone to drive with me to Boston and share a tent on the way, I probably won't be able to afford to go. Frasier: Hmm. Kenny: Fun drive, I bet. Frasier: [nodding] Hmm. Kenny: I guess I can just send him something. Frasier: I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny. Frasier taps him on the shoulder and goes to enter the studio. Another employee, Jason (who just happens to have appeared in a much larger role in episode [9.05] "Love Stinks"), approaches. Jason: [holding an invitation envelope] Hey, Dr. Crane! Mazel Tov! Frasier nods and enters the booth. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - KACL Roz comes into the studio from her booth. Roz: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Hey, Roz. Roz: Freddie's so sweet. He sent me an invitation to his Bar Mitzvah. [She produces the invitation.] Frasier: Yes, apparently the people of Washington state have made quite an impression on him. Roz: Can you believe Freddie is thirteen years old already? [N.B. This is now Frederick's correct age. Freddie was born in November 1989, but in "Good Samaritan" he had suddenly aged a couple of years. In "Cranes Unplugged," Freddie is said to be thirteen. Now it seems the writers have realized their mistake and returned Freddie to the right age.] Frasier: I can hardly think about it without choking up. This is my son, Roz. The little bald candy man that used to fit right here in the crook of my arm. Roz: [sweetly, teasing] "Little bald candy man." That's adorable. I had a boyfriend who called hi... She stops herself, quite embarrassed. Frasier stares with a grin. Roz: [recovers] Is it weird to have a son brought up in a different religion from yours? Frasier: Not at all, Roz. It's a faith that espouses love, compassion, duty, education, and art. All values which I cherish. And though I have played a relatively small role in his spiritual development, he has honored me by asking that I say a few words. And in the spirit of the occasion, I'm going to try to learn it in Hebrew. Noel enters, wearing a backpack. Noel: Hi, Dr. Crane! Frasier: Hi, Noel. Noel: Hi, Roz. You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before. Roz: I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets when you talk to me. Noel obeys. She exits. Noel: So, I don't think I can make the Bar Mitzvah. Frasier: Great. [recovering] I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noel. [feigning disappointment] Great! You're not coming, terrific! Noel: Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew? Frasier: Not learn it, I'm saving that pleasure for retirement. But I have composed a speech and I-I'd like to say it in Hebrew. Noel: Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want. Frasier: You can, really, oh, Noel, thank you! Noel: Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo. Frasier: Certainly, whatever you'd like. Noel: Great! The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete. Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself? Noel: I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser. [N.B. The first reference to this restraining order is made in 6.13, "The Show Where Woody Comes Back."] Frasier: Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you? Noel: Trust me, there are no friends in the world of Star Trek autography. Frasier: I see. Well, then, consider it done. Noel: Well, thank you so much! He opens his backpack and gets a publicity photo of Bakula in his garb as Captain Archer. Frasier: Now, be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering until the actual signing, and if you must handle it, use these cotton gloves. Frasier: [taking them] Okay. Noel: You'll be the hit of the Bar Mitzvah, I promise. And don't be surprised if you get caught up in the fun of the convention, too. Frasier: [patiently] Yeah, I'll try to pace myself. Noel: Thanks again, Dr. Crane. He begins to leave. Frasier: Noel! How did you know I would do it? Noel: What do you mean? Frasier: Well, you must have known I would do this for you, or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right? Noel: [playing along, but confused] Right. He exits. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's apartment Niles is seated on the couch. Martin enters carrying a massive, antiquated dinosaur of a flash camera. Martin: Hey, Niles, think fast! He flashes the camera, which produces a bright, blinding light, knocking Niles over. Niles: Dad! The camera makes a high-pitched electronic sound of recovery in the wake of the giant flash. Daphne enters from the kitchen. Daphne: What is that? Martin: My good old Scheerblad-7X-K. Niles: The blindingest, noisiest, fifteen-pound camera ever produced in the former Soviet Union! Martin: Can you believe it? Somehow it got buried deep down in storage. But, Eddie and I found it just in time for the Bar Mitzvah. Daphne: What smells like burning plastic? Martin: Oh, that means the flash unit's working. Niles: [still blinking it off] I thought the retina-scorching flash meant that the flash unit was working. Martin: Not always. Niles: I still remember the night of my junior prom. Dad wanted to get a nice close-up of me and Margaret Coover. Unfortunately he got a little too close and the heat from the flash seared the gold plating off Margaret's necklace onto her skin. Daphne: You never mentioned Margaret Coover before. Niles: I didn't? Margaret Coover. Petite, brunette, gilded. Frasier enters, whereupon he is immediately greeted by the flash and the high squeal. He is thrown back against the door, blinking and disoriented. Frasier: Dear God, the old flash-and-wind! Niles: [deadpan] Dad found it. Martin: Yeah, good thing, too. Hasn't failed me yet. Oh, except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes. Frasier: That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer. Martin: Hey, Daph, do you know where the tripod is? I might need it for group shots. Daphne: Yeah, I think it's in the back of your closet. Come on, I'll help you look for it. Martin rises, with the camera around his neck. As he attempts to stand, the camera's weight pulls him down and he almost falls forward. He walks hunched over after Daphne. Niles: Sherry, Frasier? Frasier: Please, Niles. Niles: I have good news. Frasier: Hmm? Niles: I have two tickets to the Udo Fritzenheim show at the museum tomorrow, not to mention an invitation for lunch with the artist afterwards. Frasier: [excited] Oh, are you serious, Niles? Lunch with a Dada master! Oh, I'd love to come! But I can't. I have other plans. I promised Noel Shempsky I'd do a favor for him and I've got to remain true to my word. Although perhaps I could go to the show, leave the luncheon early and still fulfill my commitment. Niles: [handing him the sherry] Oh yes, of course you could. Frasier: Yeah, you're right, Niles. There. [They toast.] You know, it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said the word "Dada." I remember swelling with pride thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant, but of course Lilith deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me. He chuckles. Martin and Daphne re-enter. Martin: Hey, Fras, good news, found the tripod. Frasier: Oh, splendid. He looks at a photo of Frederick on display. Martin: It's tough to watch your kids grow up. Frasier: Well, he's... still just a boy. He's only thirteen. Martin: [tapping his shoulder] It goes fast. Daphne: How's Lilith taking it? Frasier: Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her. I can't really say for sure. You know, she's always been rather guarded with her emotions. Niles: Not always, Frasier, I've seen her get quite emotional. Frasier: I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That. Daphne: What does that mean? Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all taken aback and look at each other uncomfortably. All together, they say "Nothing." Daphne: [to Niles] What are you hiding? Niles: Oh... [he struggles at length for words] Um... some years ago... He looks to Frasier for help. Frasier: In a complete drunken stupor... Martin: Totally stinko... Niles: Yes... I had an unplanned, uh, and instantly regretted, uh, night of amore... with Lilith. Daphne: A one-nighter? Niles: [stupidly] Of amore. Martin and Frasier look at each other in discomfort. [N.B. This was the major event of "Room Service," listed above.] Daphne: Lilith?! Niles: Well, it was after Maris, and long before you. In fact, it's pretty funny when you think about it. He laughs nervously. Frasier and Martin join. Daphne is not amused. Niles: And remember, I was drunk. Daphne: You'd have to be, wouldn't you? [realizing] Oh, sorry, Frasier. Frasier: Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off. Daphne: And when were you planning on sharing this interesting bit of information with me? Niles: Soon... very soon... never. Daphne glares, then softens. Daphne: Well... what's done is done. I suppose we've all had our romantic missteps. But just to be clear: are there any more secret sweethearts who I see on a regular basis? Niles: No. Nobody. [looking to Frasier for confirmation] Nobody? [Frasier nods] Nobody. Frasier: I certainly wouldn't count Anamari Hanratty at the Natural History Museum. Daphne stares at him. Niles is very uncomfortable. Niles: [with quivering, pleading voice] Frasier? Frasier: I said I wouldn't count her. I mean, they just made out. Daphne glares at Niles again. Frasier quickly tries to recover and grabs a book from the coffee table. Frasier: It was for charity! But it doesn't really matter, I mean, the woman makes out with everyone. [He places the book on the television] You see, she's not really the kind of person that you'd... He has eased himself to Martin's camera and quickly flashes it, blinding all three of them. Martin screams. Frasier takes the opportunity to quickly run out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - KACL Frasier is entering the studio as Noel catches up to him. Noel: Hi, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Hi, Noel. Noel: Are you ready for yeshiva tomorrow? That means "school." Frasier: Yes indeed, I am, I'm looking forward to it. Uh, listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some bad news about the, uh, science fiction convention. Noel: Uh-oh! Frasier: Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a luncheon on Saturday, and even though I left the luncheon early the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone. Noel: [deeply distressed] No...! You made a promise and you welshed on it! Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane? Frasier: It's not really such a big deal is it, Noel? Noel: It's a huge deal! Who knows when I'll get to see Scott Bakula again? I'll be the laughingstock of my clan! Frasier: Noel, try to remem... clan? No, never mind, never mind! Noel, surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show. Noel: So was Brideshead Revisited! Frasier: [furious, then] You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that. But with all due respect, Noel, perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a genuine, meaningful, grownup person's life! [realizing his voice has risen] Just a friendly suggestion. Noel: You're right. You did your best and that's good enough for me. Frasier: Thank you, Noel. So, you'll still be my tutor? Noel: Sure. Frasier: Good man. Thank you. [tapping his shoulder] I'll see you tomorrow. He exits. Noel: [menacingly] Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow. And by the rings of Septaurus Five you will pay, Dr. Crane. You... [he stops as Kenny walks by] Oh hi, Kenny! ...will pay! [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Six - KACL Roz is with Eddie in her booth, "showing" him the controls. Roz: Okay, Eddie, hit the "talk" button. [Eddie does so.] And you're listening to "The Best of Crane" on KACL. We'll be back after these messages. She goes to commercial. Noel enters. Noel: Well, well. The fox and the hound working together. How ironic. Roz: I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from Boston. By the way, he left you something. She grabs a large package from under the counter. It looks like a tall hatbox. Noel: He did? Roz: Yeah. Noel opens the package. He pulls out what appears to be a "Certificate of Authenticity, and then a black wig on a dummy head. Noel appears thrilled with this gift. Roz: Wow. A wig? That's cruel even for Frasier. Noel: Cruel? It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek Twenty-Eight, "City on the Edge of Forever." It's probably still got her DNA in it. Roz: [reading Frasier's note] "Dear Noel. I hope this begins to repay you for your great kindness to me, especially in light of my negligence. Your friend, Frasier Crane." Noel: He called me "friend"? Roz: That's really sweet of him. Noel, looking very guilty and remorseful, grabs his cell phone. Noel: I've got to call him before he delivers his speech. Roz: You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you? Noel: Uh, not quite. They're the same words, but they're in Klingon. Roz: From Star Trek? That's not even real. Noel: It's the fastest growing language on the planet! This is what you people don't understand. [becoming passionate] A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision... Roz: CALL HIM! Noel dials. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - A synagogue in Boston. Frederick is chanting in Hebrew at the lectern. Freddie: Yit-ba-rach shim-cha bi'fi kol chai. Tamid l'o-lam va-ed. Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai. M'ka-deish ha-Sha-bat. Amen. Frasier and Lilith are shown sitting together, beaming. Rabbi Gendler, who is administering the ceremony, rises and congratulates Frederick. Gendler: Yasher Koach Frederick. That was a beautiful passage, and a wonderful reading. You honor us all by including... Frasier's cell phone rings. Embarrassed, he turns it off. We see that Daphne, Niles, and Martin are seated next to Frasier. Frasier, Niles, and Martin are wearing yarmulkes, while Lilith has a hat on. Gendler: You honor us all by including us in this important occasion, but you have chosen to especially honor your parents, Lilith and Frasier, by asking them to conclude this ceremony. Lilith? Lilith goes to the lectern. Lilith: Thank you. I... Martin's camera flash goes off, blinding Lilith, Freddie, and the Rabbi. Gendler: Excuse me, would the photographer please refrain from taking any more pictures until after the ceremony is over? Martin: Sorry, Rabbi. Lilith: Thank you. I am very proud to participate in the coming-of- age ritual of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane. A boy laughs at this, interrupting. Clearly, this is the Jeremy Berman of whom Freddie and Lilith had spoken earlier. Jeremy: [catching himself] Oh. Lilith: Frederick, on this momentous occasion, I can only look at you and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler who once danced naked at the Boston Pops... the little boy whose favorite dish was "buh-sghetti." Freddie covers his face in embarrassment. Lilith: I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together reading The Cat in the Hat. Freddie looks up at her in disbelief. Lilith: "The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play, so we sat in the house on that cold, cold wet day." Frasier is also bemused by Lilith's antics. Lilith breaks into tears. The Rabbi tries to console them. Lilith: Don't grow up! Not yet! [She emotionally hugs Freddie.] Daphne: [to Niles] Nice girlfriend you've got there. Niles: If you're trying to embarrass me, it's not going to work. However, that ship sails when a very emotional Martin leans across and hugs Niles. Martin: Come here, Daddy's little peanut man. Frasier: [leading Lilith back to her seat] It'll be all right. Gendler: We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father, Frasier, who, though not of our faith, has chosen to follow his son's fine example and deliver it in Hebrew. Frasier: Thank you. [going to the lectern] I'll keep this short. Freddie: Thanks, Dad. Frasier pulls out the cards for his speech and places his hand on Freddie's shoulder. Frasier: Pookh lod wih le koo. Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh leng-lidge loo-Teb-jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp shoave dah-nobe-poo- boagh. [in Hebrew] Shabbat shalom. Frasier's delivery of Klingon has just the right "accent." In the course of the speech, the Cranes look on admiringly while the rest of the congregation is highly confused. Daphne: Oh, that was lovely. Gendler: What was that gobbledygook? Frasier: Well, it's-it's a blessing for my son, "Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo." Gendler: That means nothing. It's gibberish. Frasier: What? Jeremy: That's not gibberish. It's Klingon. Gendler: What? Frasier: Oh, dear God! Jeremy: Freddie's Dad just blessed him in Klingon. Frasier: [mortified] I'm terribly sorry. I... I... will you excuse me, please? He quickly runs out of the hall. Everybody, including the Rabbi, can't contain their amusement. Gendler: Okay, everybody. It's better to end with laughter than tears. I don't know how they say it in outer space, but here we say [putting his hands toward Freddie's head] ahava and shalom - Love and Peace. Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose room in twenty minutes. The Rabbi shakes Freddie's hand and walks off. Jeremy approaches him. Jeremy: Hey that was awesome, Gaylord. Freddie: Shut up, Berman. Jeremy: Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good. Freddie: What did he say? Jeremy: Well, roughly translated, it says, "My dearest son, each day you redeem me. May your journey be filled with the same joy, wisdom, and purpose you have given mine." It's a lot more beautiful in the original Klingon, but it's still really cool. CUT TO: Lilith and Frasier in the foyer. Lilith: Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more? Frasier: Oh, I think I did. I've been trying to console myself with the idea that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no psychology. Poor kid. Lilith: Actually, today he is a man. Frasier: [putting his arm around her] He is, isn't he? Gendler: [approaching them and taking their hands] Mazel Tov. You must be very proud - of your son, not yourselves. Lilith: [as he exits] We are, thank you, Rabbi. Freddie approaches Frasier. Frasier: Frederick, uh, listen, I-I'm-I want to apologize. Uh, there was this guy at the radio station. He was going to teach me Hebrew... Freddie: You don't have to explain it, Dad. Frasier: Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Freddie: Berman translated your speech for me. It was pretty good. Frasier: So you liked it? Freddie: Yeah. I don't want to get all mushy or anything - I'm a little old for that now, but... you know. Frasier: Yeah, I know. [they embrace] Lilith: Can you forgive me? Freddie: Yeah, for everything but naming me "Gaylord." [they hug] Niles: [approaching] That was lovely. Niles moves to embrace Lilith. Daphne steps in his way and hugs Lilith before Niles can get to her. Martin: [offstage] Hey everybody, look this way! Niles: Oh, no, no...! The flash and high-pitched squeal follow, and the frame freezes with the whited-out faces of Niles, Daphne, Lilith, Frasier, and Freddie, shielding themselves from the blinding light. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] The sequence is a series of six stills taken by Martin's camera over the course of the episode. First we see Niles, seated, shielding his face. Second is the shot of Frasier coming in the door of his apartment, taken aback by the flash. Next, the shot taken by Frasier of Martin, Daphne and Niles as he escaped the uncomfortable conversation. Then comes the shot of Lilith and Freddie at the ceremony. Finally, there is the shot that ended the episode. This is not, however, the last still. There is one final image of Frasier with an angry, whited-out face and his hands extended and clawed. Apparently he is approaching Martin with the intent of inflicting harm on either him or the camera.	Plan: A: a couple of days; Q: How long is it until Frederick's Bar Mitzvah? A: Lilith; Q: Who embarrasses Freddy by crying during her speech? A: his childhood; Q: What is Lilith reminiscing about? A: the guest list; Q: What does Lilith go through to find out who Freddy has invited to his Bar Mitzvah? A: Freddy; Q: Who has invited as many guests as he could to Frederick's Bar Mitzvah? A: more gifts; Q: What does Freddy want to get from his Bar Mitzvah? A: Frasier; Q: Who wants to give a speech about Freddie in Hebrew? A: Noel Shemsky; Q: Who teaches Frasier a speech in Klingon? A: a favor; Q: What does Noel Shemsky agree to teach Frasier in exchange for? A: a consolation prize; Q: What did Frasier send Noel after he failed to fulfill his end of the deal? A: Frasier's phone; Q: What is off when Noel tries to call Frasier to tell him what he did? Summary: Frederick's Bar Mitzvah is a couple of days away and Lilith is reminiscing about his childhood. When going through the guest list, Lilith finds that Freddy has invited as many guests as he could, in order to get more gifts. She embarrasses him by crying during her speech. Frasier in the meantime wants to give a speech about Freddie in Hebrew . Noel Shemsky, his co-worker, agrees to teach him in return for a favor. When Frasier fails to fulfill his end of the deal Noel teaches him the speech in Klingon . Later when Frasier sends him a consolation prize, Noel attempts to call Frasier to tell him what he did but Frasier's phone is off. As a result, Frasier embarrasses himself and his son.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Isaac: Saw a dusty fella walking into town today. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was John Alden. Mary: You told me he was dead! John: This is my vow. I will come back for you. Tituba: What's John Alden compared to all that lies before you? Mary: [Screams, gasps] Giles: You come back for one thing and one thing only. She's Mary Sibley now. And she's the richest woman in Salem. Mary: Time for your feeding. George: [Grunts] Mary: [Grunting] [Stomach gurgling] George: [Groans] Giles: Precious Salem caught up in a stinking witch panic. Cotton: The devil was never going to let a promised land be built here without a fight! Man: [Screams] Anne: I'm not afraid of the dead, nor the living for that matter. Woman: [Screams] John: What is it that these witches want? Cotton: A country of their own. Mary: I waited for you. Years and years. Giles: I was there the night you did it. Mary: It's all that I have left of him. [Screams] Giles: That was John Alden's baby. Are you gonna tell him, or am I? Cotton: She will show us the witch. Mercy: [Screams] Mary: Who saw us? Mr. Hale: And I will tell you again. I do not know. Mary: The witch hunt has begun, and we will be running the trials. Cotton: Are you guilty... Or not? Giles: [Groans] Cotton: Most of those who have ever lived are now dead. All but very few must surely burn in hell. We may someday over-people this vast, empty new land, but I fear that we have already over-peopled hell. So that, as it is written in Isaiah, "hell hath enlarged herself." And is now called... America. I have been in Salem a fortnight, and I have already hung three witches. Is this the price of building heaven on earth? I have laid my hands upon his most deadly servants... The witches. Or have I? I obeyed every one of your instructions. I even pressed a possibly innocent man to death. I still taste his spattered blood on my lips. Please, lord, I beg thee. Give me a sign. [Squawks] ["Cupid carries a gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Flies buzzing] [Wood creaks] Isaac: [Grunts] Forgive me. [Buzzing continues] [Birds squawk] Gloriana: Have you lost your lust for life? Don't tell me that you are full up. Cotton: Perhaps some holes cannot be filled. Gloriana: Really, my lord? Which holes are those? Cotton: The ones we dig for ourselves. Gloriana: What weighs so heavy on you, love? Cotton: By the taste of it, my father's boot. Gloriana: [Laughs] You're a big boy now. Grown men don't fear their fathers. Cotton: You don't know my father. Gloriana: Everyone knows your father. Cotton: Precisely. Woman: No, you can't go in there! Cotton: Captain Alden! No! No! No! Gloriana: Leave him alone! John: Get out. This is how you wipe the innocent blood off your hands? On the ass of a whore? Cotton: Giles Corey never pled! Ergo, we don't know he was innocent! [Screams] John: Give me one good reason why I don't put you in the ground. Cotton: Sir, I cannot. I've been expecting the angel of death since I was 10. I didn't see him myself, but I knew from the look in grandfather's eyes just before he went, the angel bore a most terrible face. Quite like yours, I expect. So come, angel. You find me fully prepared to burn like a human candle for eternity in a pit of burning black tar with all the other damned. John: Burning black tar? I thought hell was fire. Cotton: A common misconception. Hellfire burns like fire but is the consistency of thick black pitch. What? What have you seen? John: Not sure. Hell on earth, maybe. Get dressed. I've got something to show you. [Horse neighs] Cotton: Where are we going? John: The woods. Cotton: To what end? John: You have the moral compass of a meat ant, but you do know something about witches. I saw them. Just like mercy Lewis described them. Animal heads and all. Mr. Hale: Captain Alden. As magistrate of Salem, I hereby place you under arrest for violent remonstrations in the common last night. You shall face charges of disorderly, riotous mischief and incitement to mayhem. John: Talk to Isaac. He'll show you the way. What are you gonna do, Hale? Press me to death just like you did to Giles Corey? Mr. Hale: I suggest you take that up with your new friend, the reverend, as it was his doing, not mine. Away with him. [Grunting] Mary: You've had a busy night. When were you planning to tell me you'd arrested John Alden? Before or after you hang him? Mr. Hale: The man is a loose cannon. He threatened the selectmen in front of half the town. Mary: If he's a problem, he's my problem. Mr. Hale: With all due respect, he could become a problem for us all. Mary: My husband controls Salem, and I control him. You do nothing without my say. With all due respect. Mr. Hale: Yes, ma'am. Mary: Concern yourself with one thing, Mr. Hale... Find out who broke our circle. Head back to the woods. Find the seer. His eyes were there. Isaac: It was right here we saw the witches. Cotton: Captain Alden saw all this, too? Isaac: Yeah. And something else... Something I ain't seen before. They stabbed a bird... A white dove. I killed more than a few pigeons myself, and a dove ain't nothing but a prettier pigeon, but this felt different. I can't say why... Like it was the saddest thing in the world... To bleed a dove to death. Just the one dove. Cotton: Of course. Like a witch's cauldron. Isaac: A tree? Like a cauldron? And folks say Isaac's touched. Cotton: Got you. [Gasping] [Panting] Militia man: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Open it. Militia man: Yes, ma'am. Mary: Now leave. Salem still hangs men for what you did... Threatening the selectmen. John: Nothing stopping them. Mary: I'd never let that happen. John: And where was that compassion when Giles Corey was being crushed to death? Mary: You're free to go. But the selectmen urge you to leave Salem and never come back. John: The selectmen... Or Mary Sibley? Mary: I am trying to save you. You don't belong here. John: And neither do you. Mary: I told you ... I can't leave. John: Well, last time I checked, your husband was in no shape to stop you. Mary: [Breathes deeply] Your confidence astounds me, Captain. But did you imagine that I would welcome you back with tears of joy? How incredibly naive you are. You're too late. It's over. I don't want you here. John: I almost believe you. Mary: Get out of Salem... now... Or you will hang. Beggar girl: Sir. [Gasps] [Girls murmuring] [Screaming] Bridget: All right, you can do this. Hannah: [Gasps] I can't do it. It's too big. Bridget: Yes, you can. I have gotten bigger babies out of smaller girls. Mary: Not this baby out of this girl, not until she tells us the name of the father. Bridget: Mrs. Sibley, excuse me, but this baby has got to come out. Mary: Salem won't shoulder another bstrd. Anne: [Scoffs] Mary: What are you doing here? Anne: My friend Bridget teaches me the wonders of God's own creation. Hannah: [Groaning] Bridget: Hannah, will you tell us the name of your man? Hannah: I cannot, Miss. He'll lose his apprenticeship. He ain't allowed to marry for some years yet. Mary: That is his problem, not Salem's. Hannah: [Groaning] Bridget: Mary, you're a woman. You were even a poor one once. But now you're Mary Sibley. For once, use your position among the puritans to help one of your own. Hannah: [Groaning] Mary: No man is worth it, child, or if he is, he would rather you tell us his name than die trying to protect him. Hannah: [Screams, grunts] Billy! It was Billy bailyn, the Cooper's apprentice. Bridget: Just relax. Stay with me. Hannah: [Groaning] Bridget: All right, Hannah. I want you to give me a big push. Hannah: [Screams] Bridget: Almost there! Hannah: [Screaming] Bridget: That's it. Big push. Well done! Mary: [Gasps] Bridget: Keep going. Hannah: [Moaning] [Baby crying] Bridget: That's it. Oh! Hannah: [In distance] Help me! [Baby crying] Woman: It's going to be all right. Excuse us, madam. Come on, now. In you go. [Bird calling] Mr. Hale: [Panting] [Gasps] Petrus, really. You ought to wear a little bell. Petrus: And you, Magistrate, need none. We heard you the moment you left the road. [Sniffing] Come. Mr. Hale: I had a bit of trouble finding the place. Seemed to recall you having been farther north last time. Petrus: Perhaps I was, magistrate Hale. Eyes are for seeing, not for being seen. That's why your kind come to me. You find me when you need me. So, what do you need? Mr. Hale: Someone broke our circle in the woods last night. We need to know who saw us. Petrus: Ah. Full buck moon? Uh-huh. You were there that night, weren't you, little friend? Time to wake up. What did you see? [Blows] [Clicking tongue] [Blows] Tell Mary Sibley we will find out who was in the woods last night, but it takes time. [Indistinct whispering] Woman: Lord... [Speaking indistinctly] Mary: Have our prayers been answered? Has the poor girl improved? Bridget: We should not be praying for God to do what we can accomplish ourselves. Mercy Lewis is not suffering the work of witches or demons, but some natural malady or fever of the mind, yet she hangs here like an animal. Mary: She broke her ropes three times at home, not to mention her father's arm. She bit off her own finger and tears at her flesh. Mercy: [Groans] Mary: Mercy must be protected from herself and we from her. There's no better place to do both than in the house of God. Bridget: I think the selectmen are exploiting her condition to create fear in Salem. This so-called "witch panic" is yet another attempt by the puritans to control us. Mary: Miss Bishop, please... Be careful of the words that you speak. To less sympathetic ears, they could sound like the words of the devil himself. Bridget: I'm... sorry if my words were harsh. Sometimes, my tongue runs ahead of my mind. Mary: It's understandable. These are trying times for all of us. Mercy: [Groans, sighs] Mary: [Sniffles] Tituba: Careful, mistress. Your tears may sour the milk. Mary: There was a time that I might have suckled something other than a toad. Tituba: It doesn't matter now. What matters is, who will be next? The grand rite has begun, and the earth cries out for innocent blood. Mary: I know well my duties. Attend to your own. Tituba: Your duties and seeing that you fulfill them is my duty, like it or not. Mary: I've made my choice. But we need more than another victim... We need a sign. And I know just the person to deliver us both. Our Cotton Mather is quite obsessed with signs... Wrote chapter and verse on them. But there is one sign they dread more than any other. The sign of a monstrous birth. Tituba: You would do such a thing? Mary: No, I have no need to pluck a single leaf from the tree of life when a leaf is already dead on the branch. There's a girl out there who carries death inside. I could smell the baby, floating dead and malformed in her mother's womb. Don't weep for her. She never tasted a single bitter breath of life's betrayals. Yet her brief flicker of life will burn like a comet over earth when I make of her a sign... Of the doom that's come upon Salem. Do you know what I enjoy most, George? Turning the good souls of Salem against one another, like the rabid dogs you trained them to be. George: [Grunts] The only thing that keeps me alive is the look on your face when John Alden finds out what you really are and throttles you with his bare han... [Muffled screaming] [Choking] Mary: Just think, George. I need only kill nine more innocents before full hunter's moon, and my grand rite is complete. [SCENE_BREAK] Kitty: [Wailing] Mab: Shh! Shh! Shush now, Kitty. If lying with old fat Fred didn't kill you, delivering his child won't, neither. Kitty: [Crying] Mab: Shh! Kitty: [Grunting] [Screaming] Mab: Shh! Shh! Kitty: No! It feels like it'll tear me in two. [Crying] Mab: It's almost time. Go fetch Bridget. Shh! Kitty: [Moaning] [Door hinges creak] Gloriana: [Gasps] Miss Bridget! I was just coming to get you. Bridget: I heard poor Kitty's screams. Kitty: [Screaming] Mab: Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Kitty: [Screaming] Mab: Shh! Gloriana: Nothing to fear now. Miss Bridget's seen more babes through the narrow gate than any. Bridget: Don't fret, child. The baby's just the wrong way 'round. It is a simple thing to turn it. Kitty: [Grunting] No! Aah! [Screaming] No! No! No! No! [Screaming] She's hurting my baby! [Screams] Aah! [Groaning] [Coughs] Gloriana: [Shudders] Bridget: Oh! Cotton: You witnessed a real witches' sabbat... Something no witch hunter has ever seen with his own eyes. All of our images and accounts come from confessions, some... rather more believable than others. John: It's this one. Cotton: Mm. If this is true, it's far worse than I thought. John: What's it say? Cotton: No Latin, Captain? Oh, of course not. You've no time for books. "Ritum magni." The grand rite... The greatest secret of the witches. All we have are scraps of rumors of failed attempts. Unfortunately, there are no books by witches... only witch hunters. John: Mm. So all of these books... Tell you exactly nothing. [Clattering] Isaac: Stop it. You fight each other. Who fights them? Cotton: He has a point. John: So, where do we begin? Cotton: Inside the tree, I found what fuels their work... Like the wood of a fire. See, everything the witch does is powered by two things... Lust and death. The lust they provide for themselves, but they must look elsewhere for the dead parts. The town would be aware if their own Salem burial ground was being disturbed by corpse grinding. John: So where do they get them? Cotton: Isaac, if you'd be so kind as to explain to the captain your duties. Isaac: I got all kind of duties... Packages to deliver. I also deliver the unwanteds to the crags. John: The unwanteds? Isaac: You know, Indians, slaves, criminals... Pretty much anybody ain't fit to be laid in Salem ground. Cotton: This is where the witches harvest. And at the risk of another thrashing, it is also your best hope of reclaiming your friend's remains. John: You dumped his body into the crags?! Giles Corey built half this town, and you threw him into a goddamn ditch?! Let's go. Cotton: Where? John: To get Giles out of that shithole. Mary: All of Salem is diminished by your loss. I can only imagine your suffering. Kitty: Thank you, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: The others said that you were frightened... You thought that someone was trying to hurt your baby? Tell me what happened. Tell me. I'm going to tell you something. I've never told anyone before. I, too, have lost a child. Oh, I know the pain you feel. I feel it even now. You must tell me what happened so that your child did not die in vain. I promise you... No harm will come to you. Tell me. Kitty: I felt the presence of evil... And... Mary: Go on. Kitty: I saw a foul hag. And she was touching my belly. Mary: What of the midwife? What of her? Kitty: They were one and the same. [Flies buzzing] Isaac: Two times in as many nights? Two times too many. [Whimpering] John: Show me where you dumped his body. [Buzzing continues] Jesus Christ. Isaac: [Vomiting] [Coughs] John: Where is he? Isaac: There. John: You do not lay a hand on that man. Isaac: [Grunting] John: [Grunting] [Door opens] Cotton: [Clears throat] [Door hinges creak] Mary: Oh, forgive me. Ordinarily, this would be George's domain, but my husband... His condition... I fear that the very sight of this would stop his heart. Cotton: Mrs. Sibley, please... Calm yourself. What is wrong? Mary: Oh, a most terrible thing... A sign. Cotton: A sign? Mary: Yes, just as you described in one of your books. A monstrous birth. Cotton: What? Here in Salem? Mary: Delivered by our very own midwife... Bridget Bishop. Cotton: And where is... What has become of this monster now? Where is it? Mary: In this very room. Mr. lamb floated it in a bottle. I... [Sighs] Cotton: By the wounds of Christ! The mere sight of this would pierce our dear lord yet again! You were right to send for me. This is most terrible. Mary: But what does it portend? What is this a sign of? Cotton: There can be no doubt. This is nothing less than a declaration of war upon us by the devil himself. Mary: [Breathes sharply] Reverend... Is there anything we can do? Cotton: I will do whatever is in my power to protect Salem... And you, madam. Mary: I thank God you're here, Reverend. We would be lost without you. [Bells tolling] Anne: Father, please wait. [Panting] Father, you know Bridget. How could you think her guilty of this? Mr. Hale: It isn't a matter of what I think. Anne: Father. John: Another rush to judgment, Mather? Cotton: Quite the contrary, I fear. It is judgment that is rushing towards all of us. Behold the warrant of judgment. For our sins, individual and collective, he has signed the seal of Satan, a message straight from hell to herald the arrival of the devil in Salem. And who delivered his message for him? Bridget Bishop. Did you or did you not deliver this monster from that girl? Bridget: Yes, but... Cotton: Did you or did you not minister to this girl while she carried it? Bridget: Yes, sir, but I minister... Cotton: Did you or did you not frequently dose her with physics and potions and herbal concoctions of your own devising? Bridget: Sir, that is what I do, but I did not... Cotton: And did you or did you not place your hands upon her belly, pressing this way and that just before the thing came out? Bridget: I was turning the babe so... Cotton: Aye, but turning it into what? Anne: Stop! [Audience murmuring] Whatever that poor stone child may be, you are the true monster! Mr. Hale: I apologize for my daughter. The accused is a dear friend of hers. But I share her concern. You would accuse a woman... A woman whom we all know and trust, who never did anything but help other women to deliver their babies and care for those who no one wanted? And now, suddenly, we're to believe she's a witch? Cotton: The devil is patient. And so are his servants... Our friends, our neighbors... Till, finally, they are called to serve him. Bridget Bishop, you have delivered a monster into the world. You were seen in your true guise, the night hag, by your victim. And even those who were duped by your innocent image could still sense the palpable stench of evil around them as you destroyed a babe in the cradle of life... A sign of your master's declaration of war upon us. How do you plead? Bridget: I did no such thing. I'm innocent! Oh, you must believe me... I am... John: I'm a little confused, Mather. Did Bridget make that sign... Or did God? No. No, no, no. Wait. I remember. God told the devil, and the devil made her do it... Have I got this right? No? Maybe I'm just not as smart as you. I haven't read all those books, but I have seen a few things in the world. And in this world, bad things happen, generally with no more meaning than the roll of a dice. Cotton: This monstrosity... It's just an unlucky roll of God's dice? John: Probably the unluckiest I've seen. Cotton: Well, then, we have a most profound difference of opinion. John: We do. But you would hang a woman on your opinion. Cotton: And on yours, you would let an agent of the devil himself walk free to do more malice. John: Then put her on trial, too. Don't just stop there. There were others with her. Or maybe they're all responsible. Gloriana: No, you can't! It's not my fault! John: It's not your fault? No, I think that you're probably right. I think... and I know this is unthinkable to you, Mather... But maybe, just maybe, it's no one's fault. [Audience murmuring] We all know that killing is different. Killing is always someone's fault. The stones aren't dry from the blood of Giles Corey, and now you are willing to hang a woman... This woman, Bridget Bishop... And, hell, throw in a few whores for good measure... And for what? [Audience murmuring] Mary: Perhaps it's time we heard from Mercy. Isn't that right, reverend Mather? Isn't she bound to react in front of the guilty witch or witches? Cotton: My father and all the experts agree... Mary: Then take them to her. Cotton: Them? Mary: Captain Alden is quite right. All may be guilty. Take the midwife and the three whores, too. [Audience murmuring] Mercy: [Groans] [Groans] Bridget: [Gasps] Mercy: [Groans] Bridget: [Screaming] [Crying] Mary: Shall we vote? [Crying] Lord... You who sees and knows our secret hearts must know that I am innocent. Please, please, please give them some visible sign of this simple truth. Please. [Sobbing] [Gasps] [Rope creaks] [Choking] [Bird cawing] John: Well done. Another innocent killed. Cotton: I do not think so. But even if I did... Let the lord add it to my already lengthy list of mortal sins. I must pay any price, spill my own or any other's blood to stop the witches. John: I don't think I've ever seen such a mixture of reason and bullshit in a man. Cotton: If you only knew what I know... John: What? I'd crush a man or hang a woman, then drink myself blind and bury myself into a whore like there's no tomorrow? Cotton: If we do not stop these foul hags, there will be no tomorr... Anne: You monster! John: Stop! Anne: [Grunting] Mr. Hale: What a mess you've made of things. We were nearly ruined by a single sound argument from a man you can't seem to let alone. I question now why we let you begin this. Mary: Why? Because this is the fulfillment of all our dreams... Vengeance for centuries of oppression. Too late for doubts now, Hale. We are all in this together. Mr. Hale: Yes, and we shall all burn together at this rate. You're too young to understand the risk you're taking. I saw my entire family burned at the stake. I tasted their ashes in my mouth. I have no desire to taste my own... Or my daughter's. Anne: [Crying] Mary: Well, perhaps you old-world witches are simply too scared or too scarred... To claim this new world. Not me. Mr. Hale: I'm not alone. The elders have their doubts, too. Mary: All your fears are unnecessary. Innocent blood flows and will continue to flow. Results, Mr. Hale, are all that matter. And speaking of results, what of your errand? Mr. Hale: Petrus assures us we'll soon know who saw us. Mary: Hm. [Insects chirping] Petrus: [Humming] [Indistinct conversations] Lamb: Oh, um... sorry, Miss Hale, but, uh, you know the rules. There's, uh, no women allowed after dark. John: It's all right, lamb. According to Mather, these are the end times. I think we can make an exception for tonight. What are you looking at? Anne: You're just like them... Happy to discuss and debate, but too afraid to take any real action. Why are you even in Salem? Where's that fire I saw in your eyes the night they killed your friend? [Table thuds] [Gasps] John: What do you want from me, Miss Hale? Anne: Justice... For Giles Corey, for Bridget Bishop, and for all the other innocent victims soon to come from this madness. Someone must do something! What? John: You just remind me of someone I once knew. Anne: What happened to them? John: I wish I knew. [Insects chirping] Mary: Here uninvited... You must have stayed too long with the Indians. It's made you more... savage. John: No. Less patient. There's something I think you should know. Mary: You're leaving Salem? John: To the contrary. Anne Hale reminded me Salem deserves better. It always did. Mary: Really? I thought you hated this place. John: I thought so, too. But it turns out it wasn't Salem that I hated... Rather, the people who run it. Fella told me something today... He said it was a damn sight easier to break things than to fix them. Mary: And you intend to fix things. John: Maybe. Mary: How do you plan on doing that? John: There's an extra seat on the board of selectmen... A seat with the Alden name. Reckoned maybe it was time I claimed it. Might just be one voice, but it is a start. [Door opens] Tituba: [Clears throat] John: I'll be seeing you. [Mouse squeaking] [Squeaking continues] [Mouse squeals] [Blood dripping] [Crunching] [Door hinges creaking] [Tapping] Anne: Go away, cat. You'll ruin my work. [Scrape]	Plan: A: Mary; Q: Who intends to sacrifice another innocent before the next full hunters moon? A: John; Q: Who works with Cotton Mather and Issac Walton to stop the witches? Summary: Following the first death of the Grand Rite, Mary intends to sacrifice another innocent before the next full hunters moon in the form of a sign. Meanwhile, John works with Cotton Mather and Issac Walton in order to locate and stop the witches.
DESTINY OF THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION Running time:24:03 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What a brain. Oh ho. What a brain. DOCTOR: Do that again. Say Ah. K9: (croaky) Ah. DOCTOR: Ah! Ah, laryngitis. How can a robot catch laryngitis? I mean, what do you need it for, hmm? Romana! Laryngitis? ROMANA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Romana, the dog's got laryngitis. DOCTOR: Sorry, I thought you were Romana. Have you seen her? What are you doing here? ROMANA: Regenerating. Do you like it? DOCTOR: Regenerating? What are you talking about, regenerating? Only Time Lords regenerate. Look, it's awfully nice to see you, Princess Astra ROMANA: Romana. DOCTOR: Romana? Ah. K9: Ah. DOCTOR: Shut up, K9. What are you doing in that body? ROMANA: Regenerating. Do you like it? DOCTOR: But you can't wear that body. ROMANA: I thought it looked very nice on the Princess. DOCTOR: But you can't go round wearing copies of bodies. ROMANA: Why not? We're not going back to Atrios, are we? DOCTOR: No. ROMANA: Well, then. DOCTOR: Well then, go and try another one. Go on. ROMANA: All right. DOCTOR: What's the trouble here? Preoccupation with external appearances. ROMANA: I quite like this one but its a bit short. DOCTOR: Well, lengthen it then. Go on. Trying to look like other people. DOCTOR: It's just not important, is it, K9. (looks up) No thank you. Not today. It's what's on the inside that matters. That's what's important, isn't it, K9? Do you agree with me, K9? DOCTOR: Too tall. Take it away. Now, listen. You listen to me in there. What you want is something warm and sensible. Something that will wear well. Something with a bit of style and, well, style. You know. ROMANA: How about this, Doctor? DOCTOR: Exactly! Good heavens, that's exactly right. Ha! I never realised you had such a sense of style. ROMANA: I thought you said external appearances weren't important. DOCTOR: Ah, but it's nice to get them right, though, isn't it. ROMANA: Ah, but it's what's inside that counts. DOCTOR: Exactly. DOCTOR: Oh. ROMANA: Don't you like it? I think it'll do very nicely. The arms are a bit long. I can always take them in. DOCTOR: No, no, no, the arms are just fine. They're just fine. It's just that, oh well, all right, have it your own way. But get rid of those silly clothes, eh? ROMANA: Where are we going? DOCTOR: I don't know. It depends on the randomiser. ROMANA: Let me know when we get there. DOCTOR: We've arrived. ROMANA (OOV.): What? DOCTOR: I said, we've arrived. We got there. ROMANA (OOV.): What's the place like? DOCTOR: Eh? Oh, breathable atmosphere. High degree of seismic activity. ROMANA (OOV.): What? DOCTOR: Lots of earthquakes. ROMANA (OOV.): Oh, seismic. I thought you said psychic. DOCTOR: Sidekick? ROMANA (OOV.): Like it? I haven't seen it yet. DOCTOR: Look, if you want to talk to me, will you come in here and do it, please? ROMANA (OOV.): What? DOCTOR: Never mind. ROMANA: There, what do you think? DOCTOR: Oh, that's fine, that's fine. Here, take a couple of those, will you? ROMANA: What are they for? DOCTOR: Anti-radiation pills. The levels are quite high out here. Here's a bleeper that'll bleep when you need the next dose. ROMANA: Right, let's see where we are. DOCTOR: Oh look, rocks. ROMANA: Let's go. DOCTOR: Good. Got to do something with K9. DOCTOR: You know the most important thing my cybernetics tutor ever taught me? ROMANA: No, what? DOCTOR: When replacing a brain, always make sure the arrow A is pointing to the front. Did you get that? Arrow A ROMANA: To the front. DOCTOR: Absolutely right. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Not the most inviting planet. What is it? DOCTOR: I don't know. A feeling I've been here before. ROMANA: Déjà vu? DOCTOR: Oui. ROMANA: There's something you recognise? DOCTOR: Nothing tangible. I just have a sensation. A pervading air of. Can you feel it too? ROMANA: Shall we go back inside? DOCTOR: What, and never know where I've been until the end of time? I wouldn't sleep at night. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Interesting. ROMANA: Precious stones? DOCTOR: Very precious. In a geological sense, more precious than diamonds, but I'd need a bigger bit. Ah ha! Ha ha! I was right. ROMANA: How modest. DOCTOR: Well then, see what you make of it. ROMANA: A composite material. Gravel in a binding of possibly limestone and clay. DOCTOR: Limestone and clay making? ROMANA: Add water, cement. DOCTOR: Add gravel. ROMANA: Concrete. DOCTOR: You know something? You've got all the makings of a first class navvy. Concrete. Manufactured. DOCTOR: Look! The ruins of a city? DOCTOR: Come on. ROMANA: Doctor. Those tremors. DOCTOR: Yes? ROMANA: Could they have destroyed it? Seems to be coming from over there. DOCTOR: Let's go this way. ROMANA: I wonder what could have caused it? DOCTOR: Don't know. Something fairly serious by the look of it. DOCTOR: It seemed to be coming from right under our feet. ROMANA: It sounded like drilling. What do you think it way? DOCTOR: I don't know. Underworld dentist? Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Let's get closer. ROMANA: A strange custom. DOCTOR: Well, you try digging a hole through rock. ROMANA: Like the living dead. DOCTOR: What? The living dead? You mean a planet ruled by zombies? I want to know who lives on this planet. With one basic difference, the living are very much like the dead. Who was it said the living are just the dead on holiday? Never mind. You should meet one. You can always tell a genuine zombie. ROMANA: How? DOCTOR: Skin is cold to the touch. I want to get a closer look at that body. ROMANA: They've gone! I'll keep watch. DOCTOR: Listen. Sorry, did I startle you? ROMANA: Yes, you did. What did you find out? DOCTOR: The deceased was a combat pilot serving with the Third Galactic Fleet of the planet Kantra. ROMANA: Kantra? Kantra's a tropical paradise. DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: What's a Kantrian doing dying here? DOCTOR: What's very odd, he died of exhaustion and malnutrition. ROMANA: It's not surprising in a place like this. DOCTOR: Except, wouldn't you have expected him to have died of radiation first? ROMANA: Look! DOCTOR: Well, it's not a flying saucer. DOCTOR: Recognise the type? ROMANA: Not specifically. Judging by design and size I'd say it had intergalactic range and time warp capability. Origin almost certainly star system 4X alpha 4. DOCTOR: Well, without reference to my Jane's Spacecraft of the Universe, I wouldn't dispute that. ROMANA: What's it doing now? I've never seen anything like that before. DOCTOR: Yeah, interesting technique. Camouflage and defence. ROMANA: For a place that looked dead, there's a lot going on. DOCTOR: Yeah, probably hit it at the beginning of the tourist season. How far away would you say that was? ROMANA: About a mile. DOCTOR: Well, that's just about the distance for a good bracing walk. ROMANA: What, we're going down there? DOCTOR: Yeah, well, it would be less than gracious not to welcome them. We can pretend we're couriers. Come on. DOCTOR: Come on, this way. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: These explosions, where are they coming from? DOCTOR: I don't know. Got it. Underground drilling. ROMANA: Why explosions? DOCTOR: High impact phason drills. ROMANA: Here? DOCTOR: Yes, someone's imported some high technology. ROMANA: Doctor, look out! ROMANA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Can't a fellow get any sleep around here? ROMANA: Are you all right? DOCTOR: I don't know, I can't see all of me. My extremities seem unimpaired, but I'm being squashed. Can you take some of the weight? ROMANA: No, I can't move it. Without this block, you'd have been flattened. You're lucky. DOCTOR: We're not going to move this without help. K9 could do it if he was in one piece. I've got my ROMANA: I'll be as quick as I can. DOCTOR: Good. ROMANA: Will you be all right? DOCTOR: Who knows? ROMANA: Don't go away, will you. DOCTOR: I'd rather hoped you'd resist the temptation to say that. Don't forget the arrow. ROMANA (OOV.): A to the front! DOCTOR: Origins of the Universe. DOCTOR: Ha, ha. He got it wrong on the first line! Tut. Why didn't he ask someone who saw it happen? [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: K9! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Must remember to give Romana hers. DOCTOR: The conditions existing on the planet Magla make it incapable of supporting any lifeform. Huh. Huh. Huh. He obviously doesn't realise the planet Magla's an eight thousand mile wide amoeba that has grown a crusty shell. I wonder what he does know? DOCTOR: Good evening. You'll forgive me if I don't rise. It's er. ROMANA: Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I must say how grateful I am to you charming people. I repeat how grateful I am to you charming people. You lifted that column off me as though it were a matchstick. I can't think for the life of me where you keep your muscles. SHARREL: It is an essential qualification that all crew members are in peak condition. DOCTOR: Oh, I see. Yes, part of their training, is it? Well, excuse me. DOCTOR: Well now, I told you a little bit about myself. What about you? What brings you to, what's this planet called, by the way? SHARREL: You don't know? DOCTOR: No, no, I had a little trouble with my directional equipment. SHARREL: You made a forced landing? DOCTOR: Yes, well, something of the sort. SHARREL: Not a world one would visit from choice. DOCTOR: No. SHARREL: The planet is listed in our star catalogue as D5 gamma zed alpha. DOCTOR: Well, that's not much help. See, I'm terribly old-fashioned. I prefer names. SHARREL: I believe the planet is called Skaro. DOCTOR: Skaro? SHARREL: You know it? DOCTOR: What are you doing here? SHARREL: The nature of our mission is secret. You'll understand, I'm sure. DOCTOR: No, I don't understand. Why are you here on Skaro? [SCENE_BREAK] DALEKS: Do not move! Do not move! Do not move! Do not move! Do not move! Do not move! You are our prisoner! Do not move! You are our prisoner!	Plan: A: Romana experiments; Q: What is Romana doing with regeneration? A: the Doctor; Q: Who prepares to land on a world experiencing periodic earthquakes? Summary: Romana experiments with regeneration while the Doctor prepares to land on a world that is experiencing periodic earthquakes and seems strangely familiar to him.
[Worthington Joey's English class. As Professor Wilder reads Joey's paper, the camera reminds us about the end kiss from Season 4.] Wilder: (reading) And then, just like that they were kissing. She didn't know how they got there. She had no idea. The thought of kissing this boy hadn't crossed her mind in years, which was weird, because once upon a time, that was all she ever thought about. And then, just like that, it was over. He coughed, she shuffled her feet... And she laughed to herself. It had been one of those moments, one of those moments where you shuck your status as mere mortal and achieve, however briefly, true greatness. She had shared many such moments with this boy, but now he was leaving and... Nothing would ever be the same again. (addressing the class) So, what do we think of Joey's story, guys? Alex? Alex: Incredibly banal. Wilder: Tell us how you really feel, Alex. Wow! Alex: It's a hallmark card about a high school crush. Who cares? Girl: Well, I thought it was brilliant. The way that she described the moment leading up to the kiss, I was right there with her. It's like Joyce Carol Oates meets...Judy Blume. Alex: You say that like it's a good thing. Wilder: Hey, let's not knock Judy Blume. Without her, my younger self would never have been able to decode the random acts of madness perpetrated by that marvelous creature known as the teenage girl. So, Miss Potter, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is... Class is over. Today's torture has come to an end. Joey: The bad news? Wilder: You are obviously a writer... (He tosses her paper on her desk with a bright red C on the cover.) Which means the torture has just begun. (addressing the class) All right, everybody, I will see you next week. Alex, you're up next! I can hardly wait. [Hallway after class. Joey rushes after Wilder who is walking down the stairwell.] Joey: Professor Wilder. Wilder: You don't like that "C" very much, do you, Joey? Joey: No, I don't. In fact, I hate it, and I was wondering if there's anything I can do to make that "C" a little bit less of a "C"? Wilder: Absolutely. You can rewrite it. Joey: How can I do that? Wilder: This boy of yours, does he exist in reality? Joey: He does, actually. He's coming for a visit this weekend. Wilder: Ah, perfect Joey: Why is that perfect? Wilder: Well, it'll help you fix your story Joey: Fix it? I don't even know what's wrong with it. Wilder: The problem with your story, Joey Potter, is that it ends at the very moment it should begin. (Joey watches as Wilder crosses the courtyard. She contemplates what he said.) [Boston Joey is going for a run. She is wearing her cell phone on her belt. As her phone rings, she stops and answers it.] Joey: Hello? Dawson: Hey, it's me. Joey: Hey! You at the airport? Dawson: Um, not exactly. No. You want the good news or the bad news first? Joey: Uh-oh, not again. Dawson: Huh? Joey: Nothing. What is it? Dawson: Well, remember the internship I was telling you about? Joey: With that director? You got it?! Dawson: I did. Joey: Dawson, that's great! I'm so happy for you. That means you can't come for the weekend. Dawson: I start today. Joey: That sucks. Dawson: I know, I was kinda... Looking forward to seeing you. Joey: Kind of? Dawson: You know what I mean. Joey: Well, I was kinda looking forward to seeing you, too. Dawson: There's always next weekend. Joey: Which will probably turn into next month. Dawson: Or next year. Joey: Before you know it, it'll be a christmas card every now and then... When your wife remembers. Dawson: We should probably just say good-bye forever right now. Joey: Yeah, might as well. Dawson: Drama queen. Joey: I know. Um... Well, listen, good luck today. Dawson: Thanks. And, uh... I'll call you sometime over the weekend. Joey: Bye. [Hollywood Dawson approaches the gates to a movie studio. A security guard exits his booth and approaches Dawson.] Guard: Good morning, son. Dawson: Good morning. I'm here for an internship. Guard: Is that right? You have an appointment? Dawson: Today's my first day. Guard: First day. Are you nervous? Dawson: Uh, no. Not, uh... Well, I--yeah. Guard: What's your last name? Dawson: Leery. L-double-e-r-Y. (a car pulls up and honks. Dawson moves out of the way and the gate opens. It continues inside.) Guard: Do you know where you're going, Mr. Dawson Leery? Dawson: Absolutely no idea. Guard: Straight back, 2 lefts, and a right. Dawson: Ok. Thanks. Guard: Dawson... Try not to get lost in there. [Boston Jack and Jen are getting coffee from a cart.] Jen: Where do you want to sit? Jack: Probably sit over here. (a football comes flying past them) Whoa! Jen: Heads up. Jack: Ooh. College guys are hot. Jen: Give me the phone. Jack: Why? Jen: 'Cause I'm calling Tobey and telling him you said that. Jack: I can look. Jen: Yeah, but you cannot touch. I like Tobey. Tobey's good people. Jack: Yeah, I like Tobey, too. It just so happens that we're kinda doomed to the loneliness of a long-distance relationship at the moment. Jen: Well, that's still better than the loneliness of the no-distance relationship. That doesn't make any sense, does it? Jack: No, no, it didn't. Look, you need to get some, and soon, all right, before you achieve born-again virgin status. Jen: Jack. Jack: What? Jen, I'm serious. It's been far too long. The last guy you were with was Henry. That means last year was a total wash for you. Jen: Tell me about it. Jack: You know you're a lot more fun when you're with a guy. Watching you twist yourself up into these little knots of anxiety, it's highly entertaining. Jen: Thanks. That's good to know. Jack: It's not in a(another football comes flying at them. Jack catches it as a guy comes running over) oh, heads up! Jen: My goodness! Jack: (to the guy) Nice throw. Guy1: Thanks, man. (he turns to leave, but comes back) Hey, um, there's a party tonight over at the Sigma Ep house. You guys should go. Everything's free. Punch, beers, shots, everything. Jack: Cool! Yeah, we'll be there. Jen: (Jen makes a sign with her hand as the guy leaves) Rock on, dude. (to Jack) "Cool! We'll be there"? Jack: Yeah. Yeah, it'll be fun. You might meet someone. Jen: Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna meet the love of my life at a college frat party? Jack: You didn't think that guy was hot? Jen: Sure, in a dumb-guy-with-a-dream kinda way. Jack: (thinks about this) Nicely put. [Worthington Joey's dorm. Joey sits at her desk studying. Half of the room is a mess, while Joey's side is spotless. A blonde girl, Audrey walks in.] Audrey: Joey! Joey: Audrey. Audrey: Can I ask my favorite roommate in the whole wide world the hugest of all possible favors? Joey: Sure. As long as it doesn't involve me leaving this room. (Audrey makes a face. Joey turns to look at her.) It involves me leaving this room, doesn't it? Audrey: Zach is here. Joey: Where? Audrey: Outside. Joey: The one with the tattoo of his frat on his ankle? Audrey: No. That was Tom. Joey: What happened to Tom? Audrey: Bad kisser. H.O.B. Joey: H.O.B.? Audrey: Hair on back. Gross! Joey: Audrey. Audrey: Joey. Joey: We can't go on like this. Audrey: Couldn't you just maybe go to the library for a little while? Joey: Do you have any idea how much time I've spent sexiled in the library already this semester? It's barely October. Audrey: Please? Pretty please and just so you know, I'm totally planning on making myself scarce once your beau gets here. Joey: First of all, he's not my beau. And second of all, he's not coming. Audrey: Dunston's not coming Joey: Dawson! Audrey: Right. Joey: Something came up. Audrey: Hey... Do you need me right now, because if you need me, I will totally get rid of Zach. I mean, you may not be aware of this yet, but I'm pretty awesome like that. Joey: That's okay. (she gathers her books) I have to go talk to Professor Wilder anyway. Wilder: And that's what you're wearing? Joey: What's that supposed to mean? Wilder: Joey! Professor Wilder is gorgeous! Joey: Audrey, I'm going to see him about a paper. Not to hit on him. (she leaves) [Worthington The hall outside Wilder's office. A huge line of girls spans all the way down the hall towards the exit of the building. Joey walks in and sees the line in shock. She talks to a girl at the end of the line.] Joey: Is this all for Professor Wilder? Girl: Mmm-hmm. And worth every minute if you ask me. (Joey turns to leave and exits the building. As she starts to walk across campus, she sees Wilder climbing out of his office window. Joey stops and waits for him.) Wilder: Busted. Joey: What are you doing? Wilder: Escaping the hordes. You don't understand, I could be there for hours. Joey: Must be nice. Wilder: What do you mean? Joey: Having freshman girls swoon over you all the time. Wilder: Oh, don't worry. I go home and have the wife and kid bitch me out for a couple of hours. Keeps me grounded. So I presume you wanted to see me? Joey: Yeah, I wanted to ask you about my story. Wilder: If you must. If you must ruin a perfectly glorious day with a question about school work. Go right ahead. Joey: Well, you said that the story should start where it ended but the problem is nothing happened after that. The two people just went their separate ways. Wilder: Doesn't matter. Where do you want the story to go? You see, writing is about making choices, Joey. You copped out. You stopped before you had to make a choice. Yeah, I mean, I don't even know what the kiss meant. Joey: It was just a kiss. Wilder: Well that doesn't mean anything to me. Make a choice. What was it? Was it friendly, was it passionate? Was it, I want to lay you down on the nearest flat surface and do ungodly things to you, or was it goodbye? (he walks off, leaving Joey to think.) [Hollywood Dawson walks into the building he's supposed to be interning for. The receptionist, Ashley, rushes out of the room calling over her shoulder.] Ashley: I'll be right back! Heather: (walking in) Hey you! (she double kisses Dawson on the cheeks) Dawson: Hi. Heather: Oh God, they said you were young but I had no idea! Weren't you at (restaurant name, I missed)? No? Café Deartist thing with Greg and Mickey and those UTA guys? No? Okay, forget it. We don't know each other. Come in. Something to drink? Dawson: Water. Heather: (yelling down the hall) Water! (they sit at a table) So I gotta tell you. You are a fantastic writer. Dawson: Really? How can you tell? Heather: It's my job, sweety. It's what I do. Dawson: Okay. I wanted to tell you, I'm a huge fan of Todd's. Especially his music videos. What he did with Janet Jackson Heather: Amazing! Todd is an f'ing genius! Thee leading visual of his time, I think. The videos were a great stepping stone, but now we're all about features. He's shooting Damage Inc. on the lot right now. Dawson: Right, that comes out next summer, right? Heather: Yeah, that's right. And it's my job to find him his next gig. I'm trying to talk him into doing a feature version of 7th Heaven. Dawson: The TV show? Heather: Yes. What do you think? Dawson: Uhh, I think that's kinda weird. Heather: Exactly. The plan is to do it with more of a serious edge. Like what they did with the Brady Bunch movie. And that's where you come in. Dawson: I don't get it. Heather: David, your sample was perfect. You have just the right voice for this project. Dawson: Dawson. Heather: Excuse me? Dawson: My name is Dawson. Heather: Dawson Hartley. Dawson: Dawson Leery. Heather: Who's Dawson Hartley? Dawson: I have no idea. Heather: (looking confused, then recognition) Oh! Oh, Dawson Leery! Right. Right. (confused again) What have I read of yours? Dawson: Probably just my resume. Heather: (as Ashley walks past the room) Ashley? Ashley: Uh-huh? Heather: Who is this? Ashley: The new intern. (Dawson smiles at Heather sheepishly.) [Grams House kitchen. Jack, Jen and Joey sit around the kitchen island. They are discussing Pacey.] Jack: How about Bora Bora? What do you know about Bora Bora? Jen: Is Bora Bora in the Caribbean? Joey: No, (sounds like she says French Malaysia). Jack: Maybe he's gone Kurtz. Joey: Kurtz? Brando, Apocalypse Now? Jack: Yeah! Leader of this rag tag band of ex-patriots from some tropical island you can't find on the map. Jen: Or maybe he's back in Capeside. Or Boston. Joey: Well, wherever Pacey is, I hope he's happy. And if I'm lucky, Audrey is just about finished with her latest conquest. Jen: Sounds like that girl has a really promising future in p0rn. Jack: (I make this noise all the time!) Barm chicka barm barm, barm! Joey: You know what? You guys laugh. But it's true. I open the door and I never know what kind of seedy little (missed word) I'm about to walk into. Jen: Yeah, it's pretty much the same thing here. You never know who Grams is going to bring home from Bingo. Jack: (to Joey) Can we count on you tonight or what? Joey: I dunno. I mean, are we frat party kind of people? Is there any past evidence of us functioning well at these kinds of events? Jack: Which is precisely why we should go. It's a new year, guys, okay? I mean it. We need to spread our wings. Challenge any pre-conceived notions we had of college. And most important, to reinvent ourselves. Joey: What got into him? Jen: A cute boy invited him. Joey: (leaving) Bye. Jack: (to Jen) Shut up. Jen: Bye! See ya! (to Jack) What? [Hollywood on the set. Dawson walks in on people bustling about.] Todd: (the director) People. It's just been brought to my attention, that thanks to the incompetence of my crew, I'm not gonna make my date. It saddens me. It depresses me. You people are a disgrace to the industry in which you taught. Call yourself a film crew? James Cameron would have had you taken out back and shot by now. I on the other hand, will simply make you all the subject of scorn and derision. (to Dawson) Who are you and why are you staring? Dawson: New intern. Todd: What can I do for you new intern? Dawson: Heather gave me this script, she said to give it to you, she said it's very important and you need to read it in between shots. Todd: Crap. I'm sure of it. Heather doesn't have the best taste in material. But she's pretty hot though, huh? Dawson: Can't argue with that. Todd: What's your name? Dawson: Dawson. Todd: Do me a favor, Dawson? Dawson: Sure, anything. Todd: Read this. Let me know what you think of it. Dawson: Really? Todd: Go over there. Use my chair. Let me know when you're done. Dawson: All right. Todd: All right. Where were we? Oh yes. Call yourself a special effects expert? I don't see any missing fingers at all (Todd continues to complain as Dawson makes himself comfortable in Todd's chair, smiling to himself.) [Worthington Joey returns to her room. Before she opens the door, she covers her eyes. Once the door is open, she slowly peeks through her fingers and sees Audrey alone. She's blaring a Weezer song on the radio and reading a magazine.] Audrey: Hey! Have you ever had an orgasm? Joey: Excuse me? Audrey: (turning down the stereo) Have you ever had an orgasm? Joey: Not something I particularly like to discuss with a near stranger. Audrey: Me? A near stranger? I am your roommate, Joey. As such, I reserve the right to raise such topics as oral s*x, feminine hygiene and orgasms. Speaking of which, I don't think I ever had one in high school. I thought I did but Zach convinced me otherwise. It's a shame we had to break up. Joey: You broke up already? Audrey: Yes. He tried to talk me into a threesome. I may be easy, but I'm not sleazy. We're through. Joey: Sorry, I guess. Audrey: It's hard work finding the right boy. Which actually makes a rather nice segway into our next topic Joey: Which is? Audrey: I'm afraid for you, Joey. Joey: What are you talking about? Audrey: I'm afraid you're not having the proper college experience. Joey: I appreciate the concern, but Audrey: No, it's just that you study, you know, a lot. And you never want to go out with me. Joey: Look, Audrey, everybody's college experience is different, okay? Some people like to drink and screw around and that's fine. But some people actually want to study and get a great education so hopefully one day they can get a good job and not worry about working retail in the small town from which they came. Audrey: That's not it, Joey. Joey: It's not? Audrey: No. It's like, I dunno. It's like you're afraid to have fun or something. Joey: Why would I be afraid to have fun? Audrey: Because if you had fun, you might actually meet someone you liked. If you actually met someone you liked, you might actually have to let go of the past. Look, I know you're sad that your special guy couldn't come this weekend. I get that. I'm highly intuitive. But maybe that's a good thing, you know? Maybe that's a sign. Joey: No offence Audrey you really don't know that much about my life. Audrey: And who's fault is that I wonder? (she goes back to reading her magazine) [Boston Docks Jen is walking with two drinks. She stops in front of a boat.] Jen: Yoo hoo? (Pacey comes out from under the boat) Pacey: Ahh, you again! (he joins her on the dock and takes a drink) Jen: You're not gonna get rid of me so easy. Pacey: You know, I can't believe my brother sold me down the river to the likes of you. Jen: Yeah, well, Dougie Witter is no match for my feminine wiles. Pacey: So tell me, what's the latest scuttlebutt? Jen: It's Bora Bora, where apparently you've gone Kurtz. Pacey: Ooh. Jen: I hypothesized over that you were in fact here. But I think everybody likes to imagine a far more exotic locale. Pacey: And Joey? Jen: And Joey likes to imagine you're happy. Pacey: Which I am. Jen: Good. I think you'd be even happier if you came out with us tonight. Pacey: I appreciate that but Jen: Okay, all right. But see, every Sunday Grams insists that we all have dinner together. It's me and Jack and Joey. I know, it's annoying but it's also kinda sweet. Which pretty much sums up my Grams. But I wanted to put it out there. You know? If you'd like a home cooked meal we'll keep the light on for ya. Pacey: Okay, got it. Is Dawson in town? Jen: No, no. He got this internship he couldn't pass up. Pacey: See, there's a guy who has the right idea. He's out there, doing his own thing. Moving forward, not looking back. Jen: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pacey: Yeah? Jen: Come here. (they hug) Pacey: Thanks for dropping by though. Jen: Of course. Pacey: And, uh, you know, keep on keeping on our little secret here, huh? Jen: I will. But not forever. See ya. (she leaves. And basically I should stop transcribing at this point because there is no more Pacey.) [Worthington Joey's dorm. Jack and Jen are sitting on Joey's bed and talking to Audrey. Joey walks back into the room as they are laughing.] Joey: What did I miss? Audrey: Well, your friends were just filling me in on your shockingly sordid romantic history! Joey: (to Jack and Jen) Thank you both so very much. I assuming I can skip the introductions. Audrey: Totally! Let me get you up to speed. Jen is my new best friend. And Jack will here to for be known as Joey's very cute guy friend. Jen: Oh no. No, he's very cute gay friend. Audrey: No, really? Jack: Pretty gay. Audrey: And there's nothing we can do about this? Jack: (putting his arms around Jen and Joey) Well, I have been kissed by two of the finest female specimens this world has to offer, and that didn't do it. Audrey: Both of you girls kissed this boy? That is just so unfair. (she walks out of the room) Joey: So are we going or what? Jack: Yeah. (missed a line.) Joey: We do? Jen: She's one cool chick, Jo! Joey: She is? Audrey: (Walking in with her purse) Okay people. Let's do this! [SCENE_BREAK] [Hollywood Dawson has just finished reading the script. Todd joins him.] Todd: So what's the verdict, intern? Dawson: It's pretty much what you feared. It's crap. Todd: What's wrong with it? Dawson: There's a monkey in it. Todd: Really? A monkey? That's awful. Well, doesn't matter. I'll probably end up doing it anyway. Dawson: Why? Todd: Cause its Drew Barrymore. Dawson: Yeah, but the script sucks. Todd: Than I'll fix it. Writing's not that hard. So what do you want to be when you grow up, Dawson? Dawson: What else? A director. Todd: Yeah? What are you doing about it? Dawson: USC Film School. Todd: Film school is for pussys. What are you really doing about it? Dawson: I, uh I made a documentary last year about A.I. Brooks. Todd: Who? Dawson: He was this pulp director from the 50s. It's an amazing story, actually. I could show it to you. Todd: No thanks. Dawson: Okay. Todd: Look, you're what, like 18? Dawson: Yeah. Todd: Chances are, it's bad. And if I take a look at it and it does indeed suck, than I have to come up with some sort of B.S. so you don't feel bad. And if on the off chance it's actually good, what do I need that for? Why would I want to be jealous of some 18 year old kid that makes better flicks than I do? Do you see my predicament. Man: They're ready for you, Todd. Todd: Welcome to Hollywood, Dawson. (he walks off) [Frat Party everyone is partying and drinking. The band is playing and Audrey runs up on stage and starts singing with the singer. Joey sees her and smiles. She turns around with her cup of beer and a guy runs smack into her, their foreheads hitting.] Guy2: Ow! Sorry, are you okay? Joey: Yeah, I'm fine. Guy2: Hey, Worthington, right? Joey: Yeah, you too? Guy2: Yeah, you're in my Economics class. You're C-10. Joey: What did you call me? Guy2: Row C, seat 10. That's where you sit everyday. You do this thing with your hair when you're taking notes, you kinda tuck it behind your ear. It's kinda cool. Okay, I'm pretty much officially creeping you out, aren't I? Joey: No. Not at all. Guy2: Good. Do you want to go inside and talk for a few minutes? Fewer decibels. And I promise not to head butt you, ever again. Joey: (she considers it a moment) Uhh Actually, I should probably check on my friend. Guy2: Sure. Okay. Well, it was nice talking to you. Joey: You too. Guy2: See ya. [Frat House Jen is standing alone drinking a beer.] Guy3: Hey! Jen: Hey. Guy3: Would you like to see my stereo? Jen: (getting into it) Where is it? Guy3: It's up in my room. Jen: Ahh. I bet you got some bitchin' black light posters up there too, don't ya? Guy3: Yes I do. Who told you? Jen: (laughs) I think I'm gonna pass. Guy3: Why? Jen: Because I'm not gonna sleep with you. Guy3: Well how do you know? Jen: We could get up there and you could change your mind. Guy3: Yeah, I really don't think so. [Frat Jack bumps into the guy who invited him to the party.] Guy1: Hey! Jack: Hey! Guy1: So, have you given any thoughts about joining a fraternity? Jack: Ah, I don't know. It's not really my scene. Guy1: What's a matter? You got something against family? Jack: Not particularly, no. Guy1: Forget about what you've heard. Just forget about it. Being Greek is about being family. It's about having family here at school. You join my house and you're my brother. No one messes with you. Four years of you life. You make a commitment to me and I'll take care of you. You're my boy. Your man. What's your name? Jack: Jack. Guy1: Jack. Think about it, Jack. (he looks at another guy and points to Jack. The other guy walks past and takes a Polaroid of Jack real quick. Jack blinks from the flash and walks off.) [Hollywood Movie set. Dawson walks in with a bunch of cups of coffee and trips. All the coffee falls to the floor.] Todd: (into a megaphone) And the Russian judge gives him an 8.5. Incompetence! Everywhere I look. All the way down to the freaking intern. Dawson: (under his breath) Screw you. Todd: Excuse me! Is there something you'd like to share with the group? Dawson: No, forget it. Todd: That's what I thought. Keep your comments to yourself next time, kid, okay? Great. Now where was I? (he walks off) Dawson: Todd? What I said was screw you. You should be ashamed of yourself, man, and not because you treat people badly, cause a lot of people do that. You should be ashamed of yourself because you have an amazing priveledge and you don't even take it seriously. You get to make movies. You get to do this for a living and you don't even appreciate it. This movie is probably gonna suck. I know that, you know that, and the entire crew knows that. And your next movie is probably gonna suck too. Somebody gave you the keys to the kingdom and you're blowing it. I feel sorry for you. If I ever get here, I'm gonna do things a lot differently. (People begin to clap until Todd turns around and they all stop. He approaches Dawson.) Todd: You've got balls, kid. Now get off my set. You're fired. (to the crew) All right, now that that's out of the way [Frat Joey sits on a wall on the edge of the party. Audrey walks up and joins her.] Audrey: Joey, you've got to come sing with the band. It's like karaoke, except with real music. It's so much fun! Joey: Maybe later. Audrey: Okay. You okay? Joey: I'm fine. You were right you know. Audrey: About what? Joey: About me being stuck in the past. Here I am a college freshman. If I actually let you get to know me better you would realize that that's a fairly big thing. Here I am working my ass off. Reading, studying, churning out papers learning, you know? Falling in love with this city which is amazing, yet there's still part of me that's still 15 years old. Still stuck back in Capeside. Still in love with this boy from down the Creek who only sees me as a friend. Audrey: Chris. (Joey looks at her) He was my high school boyfriend. Saying goodbye to him was maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. Because I knew, no matter how much we loved each other, no matter how much we promised to stay true to each other, it just wouldn't work. You end up hurting each other. So I cut the cord and I said goodbye. And it's really hard sometimes. I know he's out there somewhere falling in and out of love with girls that aren't me. You must think that I'm this great big slut, huh? But, I'm just trying to live life, you know? Have fun. And if I feel like kissing some boy Joey: So be it. Audrey: Exactly. No regrets. This was a really good conversation, Joey Potter. I hope there's more to come. Joey: Me too. [Frat Bathroom There's a line and Joey is inside on the phone. Someone knocks on the door.] Joey: Just a sec! (into the phone) Hey Dawson, it's me, umm I wanted to call you up. I'm at this party with Jack and Jen and my crazy roommate. Guess what? I'm having a pretty great time, but as great as it is, it's not completely great and that's because of you. You're not here and I know that I said that it's okay that you didn't come this weekend but you know what? It's not okay because I miss you. And there was this guy tonight and he was hitting on me or at least I think he was hitting on me. And he was perfectly nice and I blew him off and I'm not even sure why. But I'm pretty sure it was because of you. And I've spent these past couple months acting like you were just going to show up outside my door one day, but you're not. You are out there following your dreams which is what I want for you, Dawson. (someone knocks loudly) In a minute! (into the phone) Dawson, I think it's time that I let you go. And it's really hard for me to do because I know that there's a part of me that will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But this whole running and place and day dreaming is just not healthy for either of us. So this is me cutting the cord, this is me doing what I should have done three months ago. Say goodbye, Dawson. Call me back. Bye. (she hangs up) [Frat Jen is sitting outside against the wall in the corner. Charlie, the bass player from the band is carrying a bottle of water and approaching her.] Jen: Uh, no. Charlie: No what? Jen: No, not interested. Charlie: No not interested in what? Jen: In whatever it is you're selling now. Charlie: Okay, I didn't even say anything. Jen: Well, you were about to. Charlie: I was? Jen: Yeah. You were about to give me your best opening line. Something like, Hey girl which, word to the wise is neither clever nor charming. And then you're probably going to follow it up with a popular classic, Hey, do you know what would look really good on you? Me. Charlie: (laughs) Wow. People actually say stuff like that in real life? Just so you know, I'm not that guy. Jen: Look, for all I know you could be that kind of guy who cruises frat parties cause he knows that he can capitalize on the significant or the sensitive types. Which is even worse, man, cause its Charlie: Okay, A) You're crazy which is not entirely unappealing. And B) I'm not that guy either. Jen: Well then what are you doing here? Charlie: I'm in the band. We got paid 50 bucks to play, and 50 bucks is 50 bucks lady. Jen: Well you guys, you guys were actually good. Charlie: Thank you. And so what, pray tell, are you doing here, little Miss Know-it-all? I mean, besides making a sport out of scowling into your beer there. Jen: Hey, scowling can be fun. Charlie: Look, I gotta go pack up my gear. It was wonderful sharing this moment with you. Bye. (he starts to walk away and then turns back) Look, just so you know, all I was going to say was Hi, my name is Charlie, what's yours? That's all. And then I was kinda hoping maybe we would talk a little. I'd find out that you're the kind of girl that doesn't usually come to parties like these. And that would explain why the cutest girl, in the whole place, is alone by herself in the corner. Because you're right, all right, most of the guys here are creeps and the girls are even worse. And God, I hope they don't pro-create. But they will. And we're just going to have to do our best. Fight the good fight. Make sure their kind doesn't take over the world. That's all. (he goes to leave) Jen: Charlie? (he stops and looks at her) Jen. My name is Jen. Charlie: Well, it's nice to meet you, Jen. (he turns back and bumps into Jack) Jack: Sorry. (approaching Jen) What are you so smiley about? Jen: Shut up. Jack: (laughing) Yeah! [Hollywood Dawson is walking glumly off the set. The guard from earlier stops him.] Guard: So, how'd your first day go? Dawson: First and last, actually. I got fired. The job doesn't pay anyway. Guard: There are worse things. Dawson: Not at the moment there aren't. Guard: Where are you from, kid? Dawson: I'm from Capeside. It's a small town in Massachusettes. Guard: Okay, sure. I'm from Boston, originally. Dawson: Really? All my friends are in Boston right now. Guard: How come you're not with them? Dawson: Cause this was a dream. Movies. Guard: How's it matching up against reality? Dawson: It's weird. It doesn't. Guard: How about I call you a cab? Dawson: Thanks. [Grams' House Kitchen. Jack, Jen and Joey arrive home.] Joey: Okay Jen. Are you going to tell me his name or am I gonna have to kill you? Jen: Shh let's try and not wake the dragon lady here. Joey: Jen! Jennnnn? Jen: Charlie. Okay? His name is Charlie. Joey: Charlie's cute. Jen: Whatever. Jack: In a dumb guy with a dream kind of way. Jen: Charlie's not dumb. Jack: Oh, someone's smitten! Jen: Would you shut up? Man, if there are cookies in these cupboards, I will devote my life to God and his teachings. Grams: (walking in) Ahh, music to my ears, Jennifer. Jack: Sorry Grams. Jen and Joey: Sorry. Grams: (yawning) Ahh, nonsense. I can sleep when I'm dead. So, how was your party? Joey: Jen met a boy. Jack: Charlie. And he's not dumb. Grams: Well praise the Lord and pass the sugar. And I say, it's about time. Jen: Thanks Grams. [Worthington Joey walks to her dorm room and sees the guy from the frat outside. She kinda smiles at him and pauses when he passes. She goes into her room and finds Audrey asleep. Joey falls on the bed and closes her eyes. Suddenly there's a knock at the door.] Joey: Audrey. Audrey! (Audrey rolls over and continues to sleep. Knock again) Hold on. (She shuffles to the door and opens it. Dawson is standing outside.) Dawson: Hi. (Joey smiles and wraps her arms around him in a big hug. Fade to black.)	Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who is a freshman film student in Los Angeles? A: an Ivy League university; Q: What type of college is Worthington College? A: the chance; Q: What does Jack take to tease Jen about her lack of love life? A: Joey's new roommate Audrey; Q: Who makes her first appearance in the series? A: Pacey; Q: Who is seen living on a newly docked boat in Boston? A: his location; Q: What is Pacey's only known to Jen? Summary: Dawson is a freshman film student in Los Angeles, while Joey starts college at Worthington College, an Ivy League university, in Boston. Instead of focusing on their new lives, they find themselves distracted by the distance between them and their unsettling last kiss. Jen and Jack try to settle into their new hometown of Boston, with Jack taking the chance to tease Jen about her lack of love life. Joey's new roommate Audrey makes her first appearance and Pacey is seen to be living on a newly docked boat in Boston, his location known only to Jen.
SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE BY: ROBERT HOLMES 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: SPACE (The place: Earth, which hangs peacefully in its appointed place in the blackness of the solar system. Far off stars and dust clouds are the only other objects to be seen. But something is approaching the planet - something which gives out a trilling, signalling sound...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. RADAR STATION (Down on one small part of the planet, a radar dish on top of a tower circles quickly round.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. UNIT TRACKING STATION (The results are relayed to a bored young TECHNICIAN from UNIT who sits at the radar screen in a small room filled with electronic tracking equipment. He is covered in a film of sweat as he yawns but suddenly, he becomes more alert. On the top left-hand corner of the circular orange screen, the sweep of the radar is picking up a thin white arrowed line as a series of objects approach Earth. The TECHNICIAN picks up a trimphone attached to the side of his radar console.) TECHNICIAN: Duty Officer, please - urgent! (He slams the phone back down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. RADAR STATION (The radar dish continues to turn.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. UNIT TRACKING STATION (A UNIT OFFICER enters the room. A brisk young woman, smartly dressed in a uniform with the UNIT badge affixed to her green tie.) UNIT OFFICER: What is it? TECHNICIAN: I've got something on the air, ma'am. Something strange. (She joins him at the console.) UNIT OFFICER: Are you sure it's not just interference? Something to do with the heatwave? TECHNICIAN: No, ma'am. There's something on there. (She sees the thin white line.) UNIT OFFICER: Scan closer. (The TECHNICIAN complies and the line is now divided into a series of white dots in an arrow formation.) UNIT OFFICER: Still very high TECHNICIAN: Coming down fast though, ma'am, and heading this way. (The OFFICER reaches a conclusion.) UNIT OFFICER: They must be meteorites. (The TECHNICIAN looks at her, unconvinced.) TECHNICIAN: But they're flying in formation. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (The objects leave a vapour trail as they approach closer. Down in the woods, a poacher, Sam SEELEY, wipes his cloth capped covered brow against the heatwave as he prepares a snare-trap. The trilling and wooshing sound of the approaching objects do not seem to register at first until they a whistling sound, like that of a dropping bomb, causes him to look into the sky. His mouth drops open in alarm as he sees several oddly shaped objects falling towards the ground. They are not smoothly round but pock-marked at various points with flat indentations. SEELEY dives for the cover of some bushes. One of the objects lands close by with a loud explosion and SEELEY looks out of his hiding place, wide-eyed, at the smoking ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. UNIT TRACKING STATION (The objects disappear off the tracking screen.) TECHNICIAN: They've come down. UNIT OFFICER: Where? (The TECHNICIAN reaches for a pad of paper and starts scribbling.) TECHNICIAN: Sector five - Epping. UNIT OFFICER: Bearing? TECHNICIAN: Just working it out. (He finishes his calculation and hands it to the OFFICER.) TECHNICIAN: You know, I still think it was a formation, ma'am. There was a...shape. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (In the woods, the poacher is knelt next to where he saw one of the objects land. He picks up a stick and gingerly pushes the burnt and smoking soil away. He reveals a plastic-like globe, translucent and glowing with a red pulsing light in time to the ever-present signalling trilling. SEELEY looks down in amazement. He reaches down towards it but snatches his hand back from the red-hot heat that the object generates. He wipes his brow, looks round to make sure that he is unobserved and pushes the soil back into place.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. UNIT TRACKING STATION (The OFFICER puts a phone down.) UNIT OFFICER: Controller reported that meteorite storm to UNIT HQ. TECHNICIAN: So Control didn't think they were meteorites either? UNIT OFFICER: What else could they be? Don't let your imagination run away with you. (She heads for the door.) TECHNICIAN: I suppose they must have been meteorites. (He looks at her in puzzlement as she departs.) TECHNICIAN: Mustn't they? [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (The TARDIS materialises in a clearing in the woods. The door is almost snatched open and a figure emerges. He is wearing a familiar pair of checked trousers and a scruffy black frock coat but it does not seem as oversized on his frame as it did previously. His hair is also grey in colour. He holds onto the doorframe of the TARDIS and then falls headlong into the surrounding heather.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. LONDON (A young woman sits in the back of a UNIT staff car as it is driven through the quiet London streets. She has red-hair, tied back in a severe bun and wears a brown jacket with a strange plastic moulding design on the sides. She looks somewhat disdainfully, yet at the same time with interest, at the route she is taking. The car pulls into the entrance of a large brick Victorian-type warehouse...) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. UNIT HQ. GARAGE (...and the young woman sees that she is in an underground garage. The car turns carefully round some slim cast-iron pillars and approaches a large pair of wooden doors staffed by a blue-uniformed commissionaire. He steps forward and checks the UNIT driver's pass. Satisfied, he opens the doorway to the driver and the car edges in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: UNIT HQ. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE (BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART sits at the desk of his office, his finger on the intercom switch.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into intercom.) Yes, ask her to come in. (With a satisfied look on his face, the BRIGADIER gets up and stands in the doorway of his somewhat spartan office, looking down a long brick-built corridor where he sees the young woman approaching, being escorted by a UNIT soldier. As she reaches him, he shakes her hand.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Ah, good. Miss Shaw, I'm Lethbridge-Stewart. Do come in and sit down, will you? (She takes up his offer and heads for a chair at the front of the desk but LIZ SHAW is not in a good frame of mind...) LIZ: Was all that nonsense out there really necessary? Identity passes? Guards? (The BRIGADIER closes the door.) LIZ: I was even searched. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Security. (He takes his own seat on the other side of the desk.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Rather amusing, don't you think? (LIZ looks very coldly at him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: No, you don't. LIZ: I have an important research programme going ahead at Cambridge. (The BRIGADIER reaches for a file, opens it and reads its contents.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Yes, I know. An expert in meteorites, degrees in medicine, physics and a dozen other subjects. Just the sort of all-rounder I've been looking for. LIZ: How I feel doesn't matter? (The BRIGADIER puts on his most charming smile.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: We need your help, Miss Shaw. LIZ: I'm just not interested in security work. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Security? LIZ: Producing invisible ink - that sort of thing. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: We're not exactly spies here at UNIT. LIZ: Then what do you do - exactly? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: We deal with the odd, the unexplained, anything on Earth...or even beyond. (LIZ'S eyes open wide and an amused yet condescending smile appears on her face.) LIZ: Alien invaders? (Sarcastically.) Little blue men with three heads? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Ten tons of alien material drift through space and land on this planet every day. LIZ: And do no harm to anyone. (It is the BRIGADIER'S turn to look cold.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Early this morning a shower of about fifty meteorites landed in Essex. (LIZ'S curiosity is aroused but the smile remains on her face.) LIZ: Landed? Most meteorites don't even reach the Earth's surface. They usually burn up in the atmosphere. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: These didn't. (He leans forward.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: These particular meteorites came down in a funnel of thin, super-heated air about twenty miles in diameter - for which no one has an explanation. LIZ: There must be an explanation - a natural one. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: I hope so - we didn't find one last time. LIZ: Last time? (The BRIGADIER allows himself a small smile as he sees that LIZ'S scientific curiosity has taken the bait...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Six months ago, a smaller shower of meteorites, about five or six, landed in the same area. LIZ: (Laughs.) That's impossible. The odds against two lots of meteorites landing in exactly the same place...must be incredible. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Quietly.) They are, Miss Shaw, they are. (LIZ stares at him intently.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER (A UNIT officer - CAPTAIN MUNRO - stands in the wood panelled foyer of the Ashbridge Cottage Hospital next to the white-coated DR. HENDERSON who scribbles in a notebook. A nurse leads two porters through the foyer who carry the figure from outside the TARDIS through on a stretcher.) DR. HENDERSON: And you've no idea who he is? CAPTAIN MUNRO: Not a clue. We found him unconscious...beside a police box, of all things. DR. HENDERSON: In the middle of the woods? CAPTAIN MUNRO: Yes, we thought he was dead at first. DR. HENDERSON: I see. Well, I'd better go and have a look at him. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: UNIT HQ. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE (The BRIGADIER hands LIZ a file.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Figures from the Institute of Space Studies, Baltimore. Do you realise that in our section of the galaxy, there are over five hundred planets capable of supporting life? (LIZ smiles and hands the file back.) LIZ: Why is Earth any more likely to be attacked now than during the last fifty-thousand years? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: In the last decade, we've been sending probes deeper and deeper into space. We've drawn attention to ourselves, Miss Shaw. LIZ: (Smiles.) Aren't you being a bit alarmist? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Since UNIT was formed, there've been two attempts to invade this planet. LIZ: (Surprised.) Really? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: We were lucky enough to be able to stop them. There was a policy decision not to inform the public. (LIZ bursts out laughing...) LIZ: Do you seriously expect me to believe that? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Coldly.) It's not my habit to tell lies, Miss Shaw. LIZ: (Smiling.) I'm sorry, but it is a fantastic story! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: We were very lucky on both occasions. We had help from a...scientist with a great experience of other life forms. LIZ: Really? Who was this genius? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Well, it's all rather difficult to explain. We used to call him...the Doctor. (One of the two phones on the desk buzzes and the BRIGADIER answers it.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes? [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER (CAPTAIN MUNRO stands in a wood-panelled phone booth in the hospital foyer.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: (Into phone.) Munro here, sir. I'm in the Ashbridge Cottage Hospital.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: UNIT HQ. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) What the dickens are you doing there? Have you found any of those meteorites? [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER CAPTAIN MUNRO: (Into phone.) No, sir. All we've found is an unconscious civvy. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (OOV: Over phone.) Well? CAPTAIN MUNRO: (Into phone.) He was lying beside a police box, sir. Abandoned by the look of it, right in the middle of Oxley Wood. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: UNIT HQ. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE (The BRIGADIER is suddenly alert at this statement...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) A police box...? (LIZ sighs at hearing one side of this strange conversation.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Munro, this man you found...? CAPTAIN MUNRO: (OOV: Over phone.) He's here at the hospital, sir - undergoing treatment. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Has he said anything? CAPTAIN MUNRO: (OOV: Over phone.) No, sir - not a syllable. He's out to the wide. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Listen, Munro, I want an armed guard put on that police box at once. (LIZ looks up, extremely puzzled.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) Nobody is to be allowed near it, do you understand? Nobody. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER CAPTAIN MUNRO: (Into phone, surprised.) A guard, sir? Very well, sir. Oh, er, do you want the police told, sir, about the police box? They may want it back. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: UNIT HQ. BRIGADIER'S OFFICE BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Into phone.) On no account. I'm coming down there immediately. In the meantime, carry on with the search. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. WARD (In a nearly empty ward, a NURSE attaches an x-ray slide to a projector and turns up the light.) NURSE: Ready, sir. DR. HENDERSON: Ahh... (DR. HENDERSON walks forward and looks at the x-ray. After a quick glance, his face darkens.) DR. HENDERSON: Is this somebody's idea of a joke? NURSE: (Puzzled.) Sir? (He points at the x-ray.) DR. HENDERSON: Look at that. NURSE: His heart, sir. DR. HENDERSON: If that is his heart, nurse, what is this. (He points at a similar dark shape on the other side of the rib cage. The NURSE looks as the sound of a vacuum cleaner reaches them from the corridor.) NURSE: I...I don't know, sir. DR. HENDERSON: Someone in the x-ray department having a game. You stay with the patient. I'll find out who the fool is. (An angry DR. HENDERSON leaves the ward.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. PASSAGE (In the passageway immediately outside the ward, MULLINS, the porter, moves a vacuum cleaner over the carpet. DR. HENDERSON pushes past him but only gets a few yards when his bleeper goes off. He switches it off and dials a wallphone next to him.) DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) Henderson here. (Unable to hear over the sound of the vacuum, he snaps his fingers and waves at MULLINS impatiently. The little welsh porter switches the machine off and HENDERSON resumes his conversation.) DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) Dr. Henderson here, you're calling me? (An angry Scottish voice replies...) DR. LOMAX: (OOV: Over phone.) Look here, Henderson, what's the idea of playing stupid tricks? DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) Me playing tricks? Who is that? DR. LOMAX: (OOV: Over phone.) Dr. Lomax - path lab. You just sent up a blood sample for cross matching. DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) Yes, that's right - just routine. DR. LOMAX: (OOV: Over phone.) Listen, Henderson! I will not tolerate stupid practical jokes. It wasn't human blood and you know it! DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) What do you mean not human blood? (Behind HENDERSON, MULLINS stops to listen...) DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) I took it from the patient myself. DR. LOMAX: (OOV: Over phone.) It is not a human blood type! The platelet stickiness shows that. (DR. HENDERSON is stuck for words and remains silent a moment...) DR. LOMAX: (OOV: Over phone.) Henderson, are you there? Hello? DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) Dr. Lomax, I took that blood sample from an adult male patient. Now you tell me it's not human blood. (MULLINS carries on listening...) DR. HENDERSON: (Into phone.) I don't know if that makes me a doctor or a vet, but it's still my job to look after him! (He slams the phone down, thinks for a moment and then walks off. MULLINS watches him go, puts his vacuum cleaner to one side and then walks off himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER (MULLINS walks into the foyer past various patients and to the phone booth. He sees a commissionaire show a patient out of the room and then dials a number on the phone. He closes the doors to the booth for privacy. The number is answered and MULLINS speaks in a broad welsh accent...) MULLINS: Oh, hello. Is that the "Daily Chronicle"? (He listens.) It is. Well, look, er, my name's Mullins. I'm a porter at the Cottage Hospital, Ashbridge. I...I understand you pay for stories (Listens.) You do? Well look, there's something very funny happening up here. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (SEELEY, the poacher, has returned with a spade and a sack to the place in the woods where he found the buried meteorite. He shovels away the earth, uncovering the still signalling sphere. He opens the sack and lifts the pulsing alien object out of the ground and place it into the sack. He then hears voices through the trees and goes over to some bushes...) CORPORAL FORBES: (OOV.) ... Keep on your track. (...where he parts the branches and observes two UNIT soldiers under the command of CORPORAL FORBES running detectors over the ground.) CORPORAL FORBES: ... Keep in a straight line. ... (SEELEY watches with suspicion and then returns to his sack...) CORPORAL FORBES: (OOV.) Have you got something there? (...which he slings over his shoulder and starts to slip quietly away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. WARD (The NURSE works with some sterilised instruments whilst behind her, the stranger in the bed starts to stir. The NURSE walks away, not seeing the stranger somewhat disorientated but attempting to look under his bed. He mumbles and, hearing him, she rushes back.) NURSE: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Shoes...must find my shoes. (She starts to push him back onto the bed.) NURSE: Oh no you don't, come on. DOCTOR: (Vaguely.) Unhand me, madam! (DR. HENDERSON walks into the ward as the NURSE pushes the stranger back.) DR. HENDERSON: What's happening? NURSE: He tried to get out of bed. DR. HENDERSON: What? (The NURSE sees that the stranger is not moving and bends over his grey head to look at him.) NURSE: He's unconscious again now. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL (The BRIGADIER'S staff car pulls up outside the main entrance to the hospital, next to a couple of ambulances. A soldier salutes and the BRIGADIER and LIZ get out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER (Inside the hospital, a large contingent of television and press have gathered and are pressing a cool CAPTAIN MUNRO with questions.) WAGSTAFFE: Why can't we see him? CAPTAIN MUNRO: He's under medical care. WAGSTAFFE: Is that the real reason? (The television film camera focuses on MUNRO'S face...) WAGSTAFFE: Well, what are you chaps doing here? CAPTAIN MUNRO: I'm sorry. I can't answer questions. 2nd REPORTER: Why not? Is it a security order? (At the back of the group of reporters. A man with an intense yet unemotional face watches the proceedings. He seems curiously aloof from what is going on.) WAGSTAFFE: Has it anything to do with those, er, meteorites? CAPTAIN MUNRO: I'm sorry. There's simply nothing I can tell you. (MULLINS steps forward and covers his own activities by trying to push the reporters away.) MULLINS: Look, stand back there now. Stand back! (The reporters turn as they are being pushed back at the same moment that the BRIGADIER and LIZ walk in. The reporters pounce on the BRIGADIER and chaos breaks out. MULLINS dashes forward...) MULLINS: Let him through! (The BRIGADIER quickly recovers his composure as he is surrounded. The television camera points at him now. The intense watcher stands behind the BRIGADIER.) WAGSTAFFE: Michael Wagstaffe, defence correspondent on the "Daily Post"... 2nd REPORTER: Can you tell us anything, sir? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: What about? WAGSTAFFE: Er, what's UNIT doing here, sir? Is it true there's a man from space in there? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Nonsense. I don't know where you get these stories. 2nd REPORTER: We heard there's something odd about him. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: I know nothing about a man from space. WAGSTAFFE: Then why are you here, sir? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Training exercise. (There is a short laugh from the reporters but the BRIGADIER takes advantage of the gap in questions to grab LIZ and push her through the melee.) MULLINS: Stand back now! Let him through! Stand back now! (The two only manage to make it to the other side of the small foyer before they are accosted again.) 2nd REPORTER: Has your visit any connection with the meteorites that fell last night? Is that why you've cordoned off the wood? WAGSTAFFE: Did the man who was brought in here find one of the meteorites? (The intense man shows interest at this question.) 2nd REPORTER: Was he injured by them? WAGSTAFFE: Are these meteorites dangerous? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later when... WAGSTAFFE: (Interrupting.) Has he found it and hidden it away, perhaps? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Angrily.) If there's a story, you'll be given it later. At the moment, I have no comment to make! (And with that, he pushes LIZ through the doorway and follows. The reporters try to follow.) MULLINS: All right, ... , stand back now, boys. I can't let you go in there. It's more than my job's worth. Right now, clear away now. WAGSTAFFE: (To the 2nd REPORTER.) You know, I think I've put my finger on it - that chap's found one of those meteorites and won't tell them where it is. (Again, the intense man at the back of the room listens to the statement with interest...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR (A livid BRIGADIER turns a corner and stalks down a long wood panelled corridor followed by MUNRO and LIZ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: How did that lot get onto this? CAPTAIN MUNRO: No idea, sir. They just appeared like swallows in the spring. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Have you put a guard on that police box? CAPTAIN MUNRO: Yes sir. Two men with orders to keep strangers well away. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Oh, Munro, see that they're issued with live ammunition, will you? CAPTAIN MUNRO: (Shocked.) Live ammunition? But sir... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (Interrupting.) That's an order, Captain. CAPTAIN MUNRO: I'll see to it, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Good. (They reach the end of the corridor...) CAPTAIN MUNRO: Along here, sir. (...and MUNRO shows the BRIGADIER to the one side.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. WARD (They enter the ward with its sole patient and DR. HENDERSON.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: Oh, Dr. Henderson, this is Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and, er...? (He looks at LIZ who introduces herself...) LIZ: Elizabeth Shaw. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (To HENDERSON.) Well, how's your patient, doctor? Can we see him? DR. HENDERSON: Well, you can see him, certainly. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Ah... DR. HENDERSON: He's not making much sense yet. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: What, still unconscious, eh? DR. HENDERSON: Most of the time. He has brief moments of consciousness and then slips back again. LIZ: Well, what's actually wrong with him? DR. HENDERSON: I can't say. Never had a patient quite like him before. LIZ: How do you mean? DR. HENDERSON: Well, his whole cardiovascular system is quite unlike anything I've ever seen. (HENDERSON walks over to a table and sits at his notes.) DR. HENDERSON: And I'm told his blood can't be identified. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Splendid. That sounds like the Doctor! (HENDERSON turns in surprise at this statement as the BRIGADIER strides over to the bed and turns the patient to face him. Instead of a dark haired little man he was expecting, a stranger lies there. Tall and gangly, he has shorter greying hair and an imperious, almost aristocratic face with a pointed and haughty nose. LIZ sees that the BRIGADIER seems disappointed.) LIZ: Do you know him? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: What? No, I thought I might do, but...he's a complete stranger. I've never seen him before in my life. (The man in the bed comes round at the sound of the BRIGADIER'S voice, mumbles and opens his eyes. He stares at the BRIGADIER and then speaks in a clipped and precise, but at the moment weak, voice...) DOCTOR: Lethbridge-Stewart? (HENDERSON looks over at the sound of his voice.) DOCTOR: My dear fellow, how nice to see you again. CAPTAIN MUNRO: He knows you, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: But he can't do! (The BRIGADIER bends over the man.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Look here - can you hear me? Who are you? DOCTOR: Don't you recognise me? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: I'm positive we've never met before. (The man in the bed looks shocked.) DOCTOR: Oh, dear. Oh, I...I can't have changed that much, surely? Oh, I must see what they've done to me. Can I borrow...can I borrow a mirror, please? (LIZ reaches into her handbag and extracts a small mirror which she passes to the BRIGADIER who in turn passes it to the man in the bed.) DOCTOR: Thank you. (He looks in the mirror and is shocked by what he sees.) DOCTOR: Oh, no! (He lowers the mirror as if in pain.) DOCTOR: Oh, no. (He looks in it again.) DOCTOR: Well, that's not me at all! (The BRIGADIER looks coldly down at him.) DOCTOR: Huh! No wonder you didn't recognise me. Huh! Mm, that face, mmm, that hair! Huh! (The DOCTOR frowns angrily at his new appearance but suddenly, he seems struck in a different way. He purses his lips in thought as he takes another look at his recently acquired features.) DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know, though. (He smiles at the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: I think it's rather distinctive, actually. Hmm! Don't you think? Hmm? Mmm. (The BRIGADIER continues to stare impassively at him.) DOCTOR: No, you don't. (The DOCTOR takes one last look and then closes his eyes.) DOCTOR: Oh, anyway, I'm...I'm tired. All this exercise and exertion...it's been too much...have to get some sleep. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Now, just a minute. Wake up, man! Listen to me! (DR. HENDERSON walks forward.) DR. HENDERSON: I think that's quite enough for the moment. His mind's obviously disturbed... (He looks the DOCTOR over.) DR. HENDERSON: And, er, anyway, I'm afraid he's out again. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Extraordinary business. Munro, I want this man brought to London HQ. (To HENDERSON.) When will he be fit to travel? DR. HENDERSON: Difficult to say. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: I see. (To MUNRO.) Well, as soon as possible, Munro. In the meantime, carry on the search for the meteorites. CAPTAIN MUNRO: Very good, sir. (LIZ has collected her mirror back.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: (To HENDERSON.) Is there another way out of here? I want to avoid the press if possible. DR. HENDERSON: This way. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Thank you. (They follow HENDERSON out by another door from the ward. As they walk out, the DOCTOR opens his eyes and watches them go, carefully making sure he is alone...) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. FOYER (WAGSTAFFE is looking through the window of the foyer as he hears a car drive off. He goes over to the 2nd REPORTER.) WAGSTAFFE: Lethbridge-Stewart. He must have nipped out the back way. 2nd REPORTER: So, he's not going to tell us anything. (WAGSTAFFE thinks.) WAGSTAFFE: You know, there's a story here, Jimmy. They're trying to cover something. 2nd REPORTER: (To MULLINS.) Porter, when can we see Dr. Henderson? MULLINS: Eh, look now - it's no good asking me. You'll just have to wait so there. WAGSTAFFE: I'm gonna ring the office. (He goes over to the closed phone booth. The intense looking man is stood inside.) WAGSTAFFE: (To the 2nd REPORTER.) Hold on, who is this chap anyway? He's been hanging around for ages. 2nd REPORTER: Don't know. I've never seen him before. (WAGSTAFFE calls over to MULLINS.) WAGSTAFFE: Did he tell you which paper he was on? (MULLINS comes over and looks at the booth.) MULLINS: Oh him? No, he didn't tell me anything. He came in with the rest of you. I thought he was one of you lot. (WAGSTAFFE opens the door and leans in the booth.) WAGSTAFFE: Excuse me, sir. Are you going to be much longer? You see, we've got some stories to phone through and we'd like to use the phone if possible. (The man in the box, whose eyes have been half-closed, suddenly is wide-eyed and alert. WAGSTAFFE sees that the phone handpiece is still on its cradle but before he can say anything, the man turns and pushes his way out of the box, past the startled reporter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (SEELEY has been caught in the woods by the two soldiers guarding the TARDIS. They both have their rifles pointed at the poacher.) SEELEY: Don't point that thing at me, mister. CORPORAL FORBES: Where do you think you're going? SEELEY: Home - along these parts. CORPORAL FORBES: How did you get into this wood? It's restricted. (SEELEY comes over to him and starts to open his sack.) SEELEY: Do you fancy buying a rabbit or two? CORPORAL FORBES: Oh, you're a poacher, are you? (SEELEY gives a sly grin as he takes pokes a rabbit out of his sack.) SEELEY: Ain't nothing so tasty as a fresh rabbit. A bit of salt and a few onions. CORPORAL FORBES: Didn't you see the patrols on the road? SEELEY: Ah, but I reckon they never seen me. CORPORAL FORBES: All right, dad, get on your way, and don't come back until this wood it's de-restricted. You understand? (SEELEY starts to walk off but stops for one last word with a smirk on his face.) SEELEY: You soldiers looking for them thunderballs, eh? CORPORAL FORBES: That's our business. SEELEY: Reckon if I know where to find one of them things, it'd be worth a tidy old bit, eh? CORPORAL FORBES: You know where one landed?! SEELEY: (Quietly.) I didn't say that, did I, son? I'm just asking. CORPORAL FORBES: Yeah, well don't ask. Go on, push off. (SEELEY, still smiling, walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. WARD (The DOCTOR, still groggy, leans under his bed.) DOCTOR: Where...shoes? Where are my shoes? I must find my shoes... (His left hand is held by the NURSE, absorbed with her watch as she takes his pulse. She turns and sees him almost falling out of the bed in an effort to find his shoes.) DOCTOR: I must find my... (She pulls him back on the bed.) NURSE: Why? You don't need them. You're not going anywhere. DOCTOR: You don't understand, madam. It's most important. (HENDERSON walks in.) DR. HENDERSON: How is he, nurse? NURSE: His pulse seems to have settled down, sir. DR. HENDERSON: (Satisfied.) Ah... (She hands him a chart.) NURSE: Ten a minute! (He looks at her and the chart.) DR. HENDERSON: Yes...well...the trouble is, we don't know what's normal for him, do we? (He sees that the DOCTOR'S eyes are open and goes over to him with a cheery manner.) DR. HENDERSON: Hello! How are you feeling? (The DOCTOR stares at him.) DOCTOR: Shoes! DR. HENDERSON: I beg your pardon? DOCTOR: Shoes... (DR. HENDERSON looks at the NURSE for an explanation.) NURSE: They seem to be worrying him, sir. I think he believes they've been stolen. DR. HENDERSON: Well, if he wants them, he might as well...where are they, nurse? NURSE: In his locker. (HENDERSON opens the locker...) DR. HENDERSON: Ah! (..takes them out and shows them to the DOCTOR.) DR. HENDERSON: Are these what you're looking for? (The DOCTOR stares at them for a moment, then in one swift movement, grabs them and turns over in his bed, hugging them to his chest with his eyes closed.) DR. HENDERSON: (To the NURSE.) I wonder if the brain's damaged? NURSE: He does seem to be behaving very erratically. DR. HENDERSON: Fetch the sphyg, would you, nurse? I'll take his blood pressure again while I'm here. (The NURSE goes off to comply with the request and HENDERSON sits at the table to make a note. Behind him, the DOCTOR looks up and, seeing that he is unobserved, sits up and looks in the right shoe. Finding nothing, even after shaking it, he tries to left shoe and is rewarded when the TARDIS key drops out. Satisfied, he puts the shoes under his pillow and goes back to sleep, the key grasped securely in his hand. HENDERSON, sat at the table, hears approaching footsteps.) DR. HENDERSON: Thank you, nurse. (But behind him are tow men, dressed in white orderly coats, and with strange shiny faces. One of them karate-chops HENDERSON on the back of the neck and he falls to the ground unconscious. The two men then go over to the DOCTOR'S bed. One of them holds a large piece of sticking plaster and he sticks this over a startled DOCTOR'S mouth. They throw the bedclothes back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. PASSAGE (The DOCTOR is seemingly unconscious in a wheelchair and pushed down the passage by one of them men while the other goes ahead and checks that the coast is clear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. WARD (HENDERSON comes round and stares groggily at the empty bed. He gets unsteadily to his feet and, dropping his glasses, stumbles off in pursuit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL. PASSAGE (HENDERSON makes an uncertain course down the passage outside the ward. MUNRO comes from the other direction and runs to help him.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: Doctor? What's wrong? What's happened? [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL (Outside the hospital, the strange man who was with the press waits with an ambulance. His two "colleagues" wheel the DOCTOR to the back of it. They are reversing the chair up a ramp when the DOCTOR springs to life and starts to furiously wheel the chair away from his kidnappers. One of the men in the white coats is about to pursue but his leader pushes him back to get into the ambulance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL (The DOCTOR wheels himself into the road outside and down the hill.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: EXT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL (MUNRO and another UNIT soldier run out of the hospital as the ambulance shoots past them round the circular driveway, the man driving looking with concern as he goes.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: (To the soldier.) ... shoot the tyres! (The soldier goes on bended knee and aims. He fires several shots, causing the watching nurses to jump at the noise and the man in the ambulance to register some emotion on his otherwise impassive face. The ambulance makes it out of the drive.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (FORBES and the other soldier are still guarding the TARDIS when they hear the shots. They hold their rifles warily.) CORPORAL FORBES: Here, something's happening. [SCENE_BREAK] 41: EXT. ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL CAPTAIN MUNRO: (To the soldier.) Come on! This way. (They run off in pursuit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE ASHBRIDGE COTTAGE HOSPITAL (Meanwhile, a still gagged DOCTOR wheels furiously down the road. He hears MUNRO calling behind him as he runs along.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: Sergeant Harris! Cut across to the main gate. Stop the ambulance! Shoot at the tyres! The rest of you go round the back! (The soldiers run in pursuit as the DOCTOR continues his escape.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (FORBES and the other soldier are now very wary and they ready their rifles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: EXT. PATH IN WOODS (The empty wheelchair lies on the ground, the blanket next to it. MUNRO and a soldier come into view.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: There he is! (He runs over to the chair and pulls the blanket back. Under it is a pillow.) CAPTAIN MUNRO: He got away. Start searching. (They run off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: EXT. OXLEY WOOD (The white-smocked DOCTOR starts trashing through the bushes to get to the TARDIS.) CORPORAL FORBES: Who's there! (As the DOCTOR comes into view, the second soldier with FORBES cocks his rifle again and fires in a panic. The DOCTOR clutches his head...) CORPORAL FORBES: Who told you to fire, you stupid...! (...and falls to the ground.)	Plan: A: the newly-regenerated Doctor; Q: Who arrives on Earth? A: Nestene; Q: Who arrives on Earth with the Doctor? Summary: As the newly-regenerated Doctor arrives on Earth, so does the Nestene too.
[Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering] Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me. All: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers). Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected) Opening Credits [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.] Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison. Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were. Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss. Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs? Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za. (Monica enters from her bedroom) Phoebe: Hi Monica! Ross: Hey Mon! Rachel: Hey Mon! (she just walks straight into the bathroom) Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all? Ross: Nope. Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row. Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so. Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom] Chandler: Morning. Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes? Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that. Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey. Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning. Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me. Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer. Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up. Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss. Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay. Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her! Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey. Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her. Chandler: Nope, not this time. Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me. Chandler: I'm not yanking you. Joey: This is Janice. Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy. Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking. Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face) [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.] Monica: God, look what I found in the drain. Rachel: What?! Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this? Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one. Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal) Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.) Monica: God, what is wrong with me. Ross: You need to get some sleep. Monica: I need to get some Richard. Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason. Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called! Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to. Monica: What are you the memory woman? Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything. Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute. Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice? Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do? Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross? Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her. Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed] Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering.... Ross: Hmm? Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform? Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place. Rachel: Hmm. Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school. Rachel: You remember not having sx in high school, right? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well honey, what about you? Ross: What? Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things? Ross: No. Rachel: Come on you gotta have one! Ross: Nope. Rachel: Ross, you know what... Ross: What? Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it. Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia. Rachel: Oooh! Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there] Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that. Rachel: Really! Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know. Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh! Rachel: Really! That-that great huh? Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya! Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey! Rachel: Hi you guys! Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter. Rachel: Mon. Hi! Monica: Hi. Rachel: Why aren't you at work? Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home. Rachel: Why? Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon. Ross: Okay. Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey. Monica: I know I do. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Guess what? Rachel: What? Ross: They published my paper. Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see. Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Rush_ore.] [Chandler enters] Chandler: Hey! Joey: Wheel! Chandler: Of! Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!! Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say? Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to? Chandler: No, Janice. Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers. Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice? Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)? Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh! Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know. Chandler: Well, there you go. Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember? Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters. Joey: Look, what do you want me to say? Chandler: I want you to say that you like her! Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her. Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore! Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!') [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering] Ross: How could you have told her? Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal. Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal. Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that? Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us. Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff. Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'. Rachel: Were both of those Joey? Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her. Rachel: Not even with your best friend. Ross: Noo! Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are. Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything? Rachel: Pretty much. Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times? Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol. Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think. [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.] Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place. Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine. Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out! Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything. Monica: All right, I'll try not to. Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky.... Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees.... Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook.... Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's] Janice: So, I hear, you hate me! Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that. Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me. Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there... Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together. Joey: But what does that gonna do... Janice: For Chandler! Joey: Okay. I'm in. Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!' Joey: Does it have to be a whole day? Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me. Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering] Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War. Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home? Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave) Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that? Chandler: Umm, yeah. Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth.... Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this? Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna? Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we? Ross: Nooo! Chandler: Yeah, okay. Ross: Yeah? Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first. Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first. Chandler: Okay. Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing.... Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini. Ross: Yes! Chandler: I know! Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go. Chandler: Okay. Ross: Okay. Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman. Ross: Hmph. Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place.... Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa! Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know! Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you? Chandler: You said... Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down). [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are returning from their DAY OF FUN!] Janice: We're baack! Joey: Hey! Chandler: What are you guys doing together? Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs) Chandler: Really. Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy. Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs) Chandler: You still can't stand her can you? Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did. Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot. Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium. Chandler: Well, I guess that's something. Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross. Chandler: Oh God! Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too. Chandler: Really? Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sx. [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil War videos] Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt), 4:30 A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bombardment by.... (Monica answers the door) Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here? Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking cigars? Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad? Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay? Mr. Geller: I saw Richard. Monica: Oh. Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing? Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing? Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know. Monica: No, I really, really do. Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible! Monica: Really! Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara. Monica: You're not just saying that are you? Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess. Monica: Was he crying? Mr. Geller: No. Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry? Mr. Geller: Maybe. Monica: I think so. Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video) Closing Credits [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.] Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What? Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is) Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here. Ross: I hate Chandler, the bstrd ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)	Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who reveals his sexual fantasy to Rachel? A: Princess Leia's gold bikini; Q: What does Ross want to wear? A: Monica; Q: Who suffers from insomnia after breaking up with Richard? A: Chandler; Q: Who wants Joey to bond with Janice? A: the end; Q: When does Janice believe Joey likes her? A: the day; Q: What does Joey say he and Janice survived without incident? Summary: Ross reveals his sexual fantasy to Rachel, which involves Princess Leia's gold bikini from Return of the Jedi . Monica suffers from insomnia after breaking up with Richard. Chandler, back together with Janice, wants Joey to bond with her, a seemingly impossible request. To remedy the situation, Janice insists she and Joe spend a fun day together, convinced at the end that Joey now likes her. Joey later admits to Chandler that he still cannot stand Janice, but says that they both survived the day without incident, which is enough to satisfy Chandler.
Intersection A police car pulls up and Rick Grimes, a deputy, gets out of the car. He walks around amid overturned vehicles and trash laying everywhere. He holds a small fuel tank in his hand trying to look for some fuel. He walks past several vehicles where decomposing dead people sit in their cars with flies buzzing around them. He walks towards the gas station and sees that the sign says 'No Gas'. He starts to walk back towards his car but he hears some footsteps. He kneels down and looks under a car. He sees a small girl walking toward a teddy bear. She is in a night gown and some slippers. She picks it up and starts walking away from Rick. Rick: Little girl? I'm a policeman. Little girl. She stops. Rick: Don't be afraid. Okay? Little girl. When she turns around, we see that she is a walker with missing parts of her cheek. She starts to shuffle towards Rick and groans. Before she can get to him, Rick draws his pistol and fires. The little girl is struck in the head and she falls down dead. Rick stares in shock. OPENING CREDITS Police car Earlier, Rick and Shane, another deputy, are sitting in their police car talking and eating. Rick: What's the difference between men and women? Shane: Is this a joke? Rick: No, serious. Shane: I never met a woman who knew how to turn off a light. They're born thinking in a switch, it only goes one way. On. They're struck blind the second they leave a room. I mean every woman, I ever let have a key... I swear to God. Come home, house all lit up, and my job, apparently because... because my chromosomes happen to be different cause I then gotta walk through that house, turn off every single light this chick left on. Rick: Is that right? Shane: Yeah, baby. Alright, Reverend Shane's preaching to you now, boy. Rick smiles. Shane: The same chick, mind ya. She'll bitch about global warming. That's when Reverend Shane wants to quote from the Guy Gospel and say "Um, darling? maybe you, and every other pair of boobs on this planet just figured out that the light switch see, goes both ways, "maybe we wouldn't have so much global warming." Rick: You say that? Shane: Yeah. Anyway, uh... Polite version... Still man, that... that earns me this. This look and loathing you would not believe. And that's when the exorcist voice pops out. "You sound just like my damn father. Always, always yelling about the power bill, telling me to turn off the damn lights." Rick: What do you say to that? Shane: You know what I wanna say. I wanna say, "Bitch, you mean to tell me you've been hearing this your entire life and you are still too damn stupid to learn how to turn off a switch? You know... I don't actually say that, tho. Rick: That would be bad. Shane: Yeah, go with the uh... the polite version there... Rick: Very wise. Shane: Yes, sir. So how's it with Lori, man? Rick: She's good. She's good at turning off lights. Really good. I don't know why I sometimes forget. Shane: Not what I meant. Rick: We didn't have a great night. Shane: Look, man, I may have a... fail to amuse with my sermon, but I did try. The least you could do is speak. Rick: That's what she always says: "Speak". "Speak". You'd think I was the most closed mouth son of a bitch you'd ever hear her telling. Shane: Do you express your thoughts? Do you share your feelings and that kind of stuff? Rick: The thing is... lately whenever I try... everything I say makes her impatient, like she didn't want to hear it after all. It's like she's... pissed at me all the time, and I don't know why. Shane: Look, man, that's just sh1t couples go through. Nah, it's... It's a phase. Rick: Last thing she said this morning? Shane: Mm? Rick: Sometimes I wonder if you even care about us at all. She said that in front of our kid. Imagine going to school with that in your head. Difference between men and women? I would never say something that cruel to her. Certainly not in front of Carl. Before they can elaborate, they get a call about a high speed chase. Caller: All available units, high speed pursuit in progress Lincoln county units request local assistance. Highway 18 south GTAAD W217 243. Proceed with extreme caution. Shane puts the food in the dustbin as Rick drives the car. Police Car While driving, Shane & Rick are listening to the caller on their radio. Caller: Suspects are two male Caucasians. Be advised, they have fired on police officers. One Lindon county officer is wounded. Road Caller: Unit 1 Unit 3, please. 18, 2 miles west of lnterstate 85 and we'll patch in Lindon County Sheriff radio. Policeman: Roger that. We're 5 minutes out on the route 18 intersection. Rick stops the car and he & Shane gets out of the car. They set up spike strips to stop the felon when he drives by. Policeman: Dispatch, Unit 1, Unit 3, we are 10-97 in code 100. Highway 18, 85 Interstate, please advice. They back up to the other deputies and get out of their cars to aim their guns. Policeman: Sounds like they're chasing those idiots up and down every back road we got. Leon: Hey, we'll get them on one of those video shows, you know, like World's craziest police chases, what do you think? Rick: What I think, Leon, is that you need to stay focused. Make sure you got a round in the chamber and your safety off. Leon realizes he didn't do that and corrects his mistake. Shane: Would be kind of cool to get on one of them shows. Suddenly, the car comes down the road. It hits the spike strips dead on and ends up crashing after flipping multiple times. Rick: Holy sh1t. The deputies aim all of their guns at the men inside the car. The driver's door opens and he comes out with a gun. Policeman: Gun, gun, gun. Rick: Put it down! Put the gun down! But the man comes out firing. Several shots are exchanged and Rick is hit in the vest. The other deputies take him down. Another man comes out firing and they also take him down. Shane runs to Rick. Shane: Rick! Rick: I'm alright! Shane: I saw you get tagged, man, it scared the hell out of me. Rick: Me too. Son of a bitch shot me. You believe that? Shane: He got you in your new vest. Rick: Yeah. Shane, you do not tell Lori that happened. Ever. You understand... Aah! Suddenly, a third man comes out and hits Rick in the shoulder with a shotgun. This time, Rick is actually hit and lies on the ground gasping for air. Shane: Rick! Rick! No, no, no! Shh, shh, shh. No, no, no, no... He's hurt! Leon! You get that ambulance down here, you tell them there's an officer down, you do it now! Shane stays with Rick to comfort him. Shane: Shh, shh, shh, hey, you look at me, stay with me, you hear me? Shh, shh. okay. Shh, shh, stay with me, you hear me? Shh, shh, ok? You stay with me, ok? Room - Hospital Rick sees Shane in the hospital. Shane: Hey, bud... We're still here. We're still hanging in. Look, I'm sorry, man. I mean watching the same crap every time I come in here. Everybody pitched in on these. They uh... They wanted me to bring them down, they send their love and they just... They hope you come back real soon. Linda and Diane from dispatch, they picked these out. You probably could tell, hmm? I'll just set this on your side table, ok? Shane sits them on the drawer next to the bed. When he goes out of sight, we see Rick is hallucinating. Rick: That vase has something special. Fess up. Did you steal it from your Grandma Gene's house? I hope you left her that spoon collection. Shane? He looks over on the table and sees that the flowers are dead and dried out. Rick: Shane, you in the john? He pulls one off and it falls apart in his hands. Over on the wall, the clock has stopped at 2:16. Rick is confused and he decides to get out of the bed. He is very weak from not having any food or water as well as his injury. He falls out of the bed and onto the floor. Rick: Nurse, help. Nurse. Help! Rick calls for the nurse, but nobody answers. Rick gets up on his own and heads into the bathroom. He gets the water running and takes a long drink. Hallways - Hospital Rick leaves his room and finds that the lights are flickering in the hallways. There are several overturned beds and papers laying everywhere. Rick shuffles down the hallways. He comes to a desk and picks up the phone, but he is unable to get a dial tone. In one of the bins, he finds a pack of matches. He picks it up and lights one to make sure it works. He continues to walk down the dark hallway and looks through a door. On the other side on the floor is a dead woman that is missing her abdomen and her entrails are hanging out of her stomach. Disgusted, Rick continues down the wall. He sees bullet holes and blood stains on the walls and walks toward a door that says, "Don't open, Dead Inside." When he approaches it, the door starts to push open but the lock and board that was placed on it prevents it from opening. Hands that look pale and dirty reach out to try to get at Rick, but he runs away from it. He tries to get inside the elevator, but it isn't working. He runs into the stairwell, but it is dark inside. He lights several matches and walks down. Rick finally reaches the bottom and goes outside into the light. Outside As he walks down into the back parking lot, Rick sees hundreds of bodies that are all strewn across the parking lot. They have been wrapped in body bags and Rick is disgusted by the sight of the dead bodies and flies buzzing around them. Rick walks up an embankment where there is a helicopter, military tents and vehicles set up. The place has been destroyed and abandoned. Street Rick walks down a street and finds a bicycle. He picks it up and notices a mutilated corpse near it. When he moves the bike, the corpse actually turns on him. It's a dead woman that is missing her legs. She crawls towards Rick, but he jumps on the bike and rides away. He reaches his house and starts running around yelling for Lori and Carl. Rick: Lori! Lori! Carl! Carl! Lori! Carl! They are nowhere to be found and Rick falls onto the ground sobbing. Rick: Lori! Carl! He starts to panic. Rick: Is this real? Am I here? He starts to smack himself. Rick: Wake, wake up! He walks out onto the steps of his house and sits down in frustration. He has no idea how to take all of this in. He looks over and sees a man walking down the street. Rick stares at him, confused, and starts to motion for him to come over. Someone comes up behind Rick. He turns around to take a shovel to the face. Duane, a kid, has hit Rick. Duane: Daddy, daddy! Rick: Carl... Carl? I found you... Rick calls Duane by the name of Carl thinking that it's his son. Duane: Daddy, I got this sumbitch. I'm gonna smack him dead. Morgan, Duane's father, runs over and shoots the other man in the street in the head. Morgan: He say something? I thought I heard him say something. Duane: He called me Carl. Morgan: Son, you know they don't talk. Morgan notices the bandage. Morgan: Hey, mister! What's that bandage for? Rick: What? Morgan: What kind of wound? You answer me, damn you! What's your wound? Rick doesn't respond. Morgan: You tell me! Or I will kill you. Rick passes out. Bedroom - House Rick wakes up in a house and sees Duane with a baseball bat. Morgan: Got that bandage changed out. It was pretty rank. What was? The wound? Rick: Gun shot. Morgan: Gun shot? What else? Anything? Rick: Gun shot ain't enough? Morgan: Look, I ask and you answer. It's common courtesy, right? Did you get bit? Rick: Bit? Morgan: Bit. Chewed. Maybe scratch? Anything like that. Rick: No, I got shot. Morgan: Just shot? Rick: As far as I know. Hey... Just let me... Morgan feels his forehead. Morgan: Feels cooler now. Fever would have killed you by now. Rick: I don't think I have one. Morgan: Be hard to miss. He pulls out a knife and shows it to him. Morgan: Take a moment, eh? Look how sharp it is. You try anything... I will kill you with it, and don't you think I won't. Rick stays still and Morgan cuts him free. Morgan: Come on up when you're able. Come on. Morgan and his son leave the room. Dining Room - House Rick walks down the stairs to find Morgan and Duane getting their supper ready. Rick: This place... It's Fred and Cindy Drake's. Morgan: Never met them. Rick: I've been here. This is their place. Morgan: It was empty when we got here. Rick goes to peel the blankets on the windows back. Morgan: Don't do that. They'll see the light. There's more of them out there than usual. I never should have fired that gun today. The sound draws them, now they're all over the street. Stupid... using a gun... It all happened so fast... I didn't think. Rick: You shot that man today. Morgan: Man? Duane: No man... Morgan: What the hell was that out of your mouth just now? Duane: It wasn't a man. Rick: You shot him. In this street, out front, a man. Morgan: For him, you need glasses. It was a walker. Rick: Come on. Rick is confused. Morgan: Sit down, before you fall down. Here. Eat. Rick sits. Duane: Daddy... Blessing... Morgan: Yeah. All three hold hands. Morgan: Father, we thank thee for this food... Thy blessings... We ask you to watch over us in these crazy days. Amen. Duane: Amen. They start eating. Morgan: Hey, mister, do you even know what is going on? Rick: I woke up today. In a hospital. Came home, that's all I know. Morgan: But you know about the dead people, right? Rick: Yeah, I saw a lot of that. Out on the loading dock, hauling trucks. Morgan: No... Not the one's they put down... The one's they didn't. The walkers. Like the one I shot today. Cause he would have ripped into you. Try to eat you, take him some flesh at least. But I guess if this is the first you're hearing, I know how it must sound... Rick: They're out there now, in the street? Morgan: Yeah. They're even more active after dark sometimes. Maybe it's the cool air or... Hell, maybe it's just me firing up that gun today. But we'll be fine long as we stay quiet. Probably wander off by morning. Well, listen... One thing I do know... Don't you get bit! We saw your bandage and that's why we were afraid of. Bites kill you. The fever... burns you out. But then after a while... You come back. Duane: Seen it happen... They continue eating quietly. Living-room - House After supper, Duane is sleeping next to his father. Morgan: Carl... He your son? William... He said his name today... Rick: He's a little younger... than your boy. Morgan: And he's with his mother? Rick: I hope so. Duane: Dad? Morgan: Yeah? Duane: Did you ask him? Morgan: Your gun shot... We got a little bet going. My boy says you're a... bank robber... Rick: Yeah... That's me. Deadly as Dillinger. Kapow. Sheriff's deputy. Morgan: Aha. A car alarm outside starts going off. Morgan calms Duane down, who woke up in panic. Morgan: Hey, it's ok, daddy's here. It's nothing. One of them must've bumped a car... Rick: You sure? Morgan: Happened once before. Went off a few minutes. Get the light, Dwayne. They dim the lights and look outside. There are several of them walking around outside. Morgan: It's the blue one, down the street. Same one as last time. I think we're ok. Rick: That noise... Will it bring more of them? Morgan: Nothing to do about it now. Just have to wait 'em out till morning. Duane looks outside and sees a female walking close to the house. Duane: She's here. Morgan: Don't look. Get away from the windows. I said go! Come on! Duane starts to cry and Morgan comforts him. We realize this is Duane's mother and Morgan's wife. Morgan: Come on, quiet. Shh, shh... Rick walks towards the door and looks out the peephole. Morgan: It's ok, here. Cry into the pillow. Can you remember? Shh... The woman looks at the door in confusion and seems to be staring at Rick. She then starts to turn the doorknob left and right, but it doesn't open since it's shut. Rick sits next to Morgan. Morgan: She, uh... She died in the other room, on that bed... Nothin' I can do about it here... That fever, man... Her skin gave off heat like a furnace... Should have put her down, I should have put her down, I know that, but... You know what... I just didn't have it in me... She's the mother of my child. They look at the doorknob and it continues to turn left and right. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside The next morning, Rick, Morgan, and Duane gets out of the house. Rick: Are we sure... they're dead? Morgan: You have to ask, just one more time. They're dead. Except for something in the brain. That's why it's gotta be the head. One of them is lying up against the fence post but gets up and starts walking towards Rick. He smashes it in the head several times with a baseball bat. He falls to the ground. Morgan: You alright? Rick: Need a moment. House They enter Rick's house. Rick: They're alive. My wife and son. At least they were when they left. Morgan: How can you know? By the look of this place... Rick: I found empty drawers in the bedroom. They packed some clothes. Not a lot. But enough to travel. Morgan: You know anybody could've broken in here and stolen clothes, right? Rick: You see the framed photos on the walls? Neither do I. Some random thief took those too, you think? My photo albums, family pictures, all gone. Morgan starts to sob. Morgan: Photo albums... My wife... Same thing... Here I am, packing survival gear, she's grabbing photo albums... Duane: They're in Atlanta, I'll bet. Morgan: That's right. Rick: Why there? Morgan: Refugee settle. Huge, when they said it, before the broadcast stopped. Military protection, food, shelter... They told people to go there. Said to be safest. Duane: Plus they got that disease place. Morgan: Center for Disease Control. Said they were working on how to solve this thing. Rick grabs a set of keys. Police Station They all enter the sheriff's office. They walk into the locker room and Rick turns on the shower. Morgan: Gas and light have been down for maybe a month. Rick: Station got its own propane system. Pilot's still on. The three men decide to enjoy a nice, hot shower. Rick shaves his beard off and they all get clean. Morgan: Oh, my Lord. Duane: Hot water! Morgan: That feels good, right? Locker Room - Police Station Rick: Duane... Dress in room back there. Rick hands Duane some clothes so he can change. Morgan: What you say, Dwayne? Duane: Thank you. Morgan: Mhm. Duane leaves the locker room. Morgan: Atlanta sounds like a good deal. Safer anyway. People... That's where we were heading. Things got crazy. Man, you won't believe. The panic... Streets won't fit to be on, and then we'll... My wife... couldn't travel. No, not with our herd, so we had to find a place to lay low. And then, after she died... We just stayed hunkered down. I guess we just froze in place. Rick: Plan to move on? Morgan: Haven't worked up to it yet. Gun Room - Police Station Rick: A lot of it's gone missing. Duane: Dad, can I learn to shoot? I'm old enough. Morgan: Hell yes you're going to learn. We gotta do it carefully, teach you to respect the weapon. Rick: That's right. It's not a toy. You pull the trigger, you have to mean it. Always remember that, Duane. Duane: Yes, sir. Morgan: Here. Go on. Rick hands Morgan a Remington 700 with a scope on the end. Rick: Take that one. Nothing fancy. Scope's accurate. Outside They get out of the police station and reach the police car. Rick: Conserve your ammo. Goes faster than you think. Especially at target practice. Morgan: Dwayne. Duane: Yeah? Morgan: Take this to the car. Rick: You sure you won't come along? Morgan: A few more days... By the end, Dwayne will know how to shoot and I won't be so rusty. Rick gives Morgan a walkie-talkie. Rick: You got one better. I'll turn mine on, a few minutes every day at dawn. You get up there, that's how you find me. Morgan: You think they're here? Rick: Can't afford not to. Not anymore. Morgan: Look, just one thing. They may not seem like much one at a time... but in a group all round up and hungry... May you watch your ass. Rick: You too. Morgan: You a good man, Rick. I hope you'll find your wife and son. Rick: Be seeing you, Duane. Take care of your old man. Duane: Yes, sir. Before they can leave, Morgan looks over and sees Leon Basset, who is now a walker. Rick: Leon Basset? Didn't think much of him. Careless and dumb, but... can't leave him like this. Morgan: You know they'll hear the shot. Rick: Let's not be here when they'll show up. Morgan: Let's go, son. Come on. Duane and Morgan runs to their car, while Rick approaches Leon. He pulls out his Colt Python and shoots him in the head, killing him. Morgan and Duane separate and head back to their house. Rick heads off in his sheriff's car. Morgan & Duane's House They are working. Morgan nails the door shut and smiles at his son. Street Rick walks around the location where he saw the legless walker. He starts to look for her. Morgan & Duane's House Morgan: Read your comic books a while. Daddy'll be upstairs. Park Rick continues looking for the legless walker. Morgan & Duane's House Morgan pulls out his photo albums and looks at several pictures of his wife, smiling. He hangs one of them on the wall and he takes the Remington 700 that Rick handed him. Park Rick walks and starts to follow a trail. He finds the woman still trying to crawl. Morgan & Duane's House Morgan whistles to one of the walkers and he fires at him. The sight is accurate and he nails it right in the head. The walkers hear the noise. Duane gets scared. Duane: Daddy? Morgan: It's alright, Duane. You stay there, son. Don't come up here. Morgan shoots another one through the head and tries to look for his wife. Morgan: Jenny... Come on, baby. Park She spots Rick and he kneels next to her. The woman tries to claw at Rick and wants to eat him. Rick: I'm sorry this happened to you. He pulls out his Python and puts the legless woman out of her misery by shooting her in the head. Morgan & Duane's House Several of the walkers start to walk towards the house. Morgan finally spots his wife out in the crowd. He aims at her, but his wife looks right at the scope. Morgan: Come on, come on. Morgan breaks down and can't bring himself to shoot his wife. He brings the rifle up again and stares at his wife. She turns around and starts to walk away from the house, but even with her back turned, Morgan still can't shoot her. He breaks down again. Park Rick leaves the dead legless walker. Road Later, Rick drives down the road and broadcasts on the radio over an emergency channel. Broadcasting on emergency channel. We'll be approaching Atlanta on Highway 85. Anybody reads, please respond. Hello. Hello. Can anybody hear my voice? Anybody out there? Anybody hears me, please respond. Hello, can you hear my voice? Survival Camp The survival group hear Rick's message. Rick: Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear my voice? Amy answers Rick. Amy: Hey? Hello? Rick: Can you hear my voice? Amy: Yes, I can hear you. You're coming through. Over. Rick: Anybody who reads, please respond. Broadcasting on emergency channel. We'll be approaching Atlanta on Highway 85. Anybody reads, please respond. Amy: We're just outside the city. Damnit. Hello? Hello? He couldn't hear me. I couldn't warn him. Dale: Try to raise him again. Come on, son. You know best how to work this thing, Shane comes over and tries to work the radio. Shane: Hello, hello, is the person who calls still on the air? This is officer Shane Walsh, broadcasting a person unknown, please respond. He's gone. Lori and Carl Grimes are revealed to be alive and they also join the group. Lori: There are others. It's not just us. Shane: Yeah, We knew there would be, right, that's why we let the CB on. Lori: Lots of good it's been doing. And I've been saying for a week, we ought to put signs up on 85 to warn people away from the city. Amy: Folks got no idea what they're getting into. Shane: We don't have enough time. Lori: I think we need to make time. Shane: Yeah, that, uh... That's a luxury we can't afford. We are surviving here. We are day to day. Dale: And who the hell would you propose to send? Lori: I'll go. Give me a vehicle. Shane: Nobody goes anywhere alone, you know that. Lori: Yes, sir. Lori goes away and her son follows her, but Shane holds him back. Shane: Hey, hey, hey, come on, take a sit, buddy. You're alright, go on, you're alright. Shane follows her. Shane: What, you're pissed at me? Well pissing me all you want won't gonna change anything. Tent Lori enters and Shane follows her. Shane: I'm not putting you in danger, okay? I'm not doing it for anything. I make you feel like sometimes you wanna slap me outside the head... I'll tell you what, girl. You feel that need, you go right ahead. I'm right here. You cannot walk off like that, all half-cocked. Look, if you don't wanna do it for my sake or for your sake, that's fine. But just... You do it for him. That boy has been through too much. And he's not losing his mother too, ok? Okay. Lori: Ok, fine. Shane: You tell me okay. It's not hard. They smiles at each other. Shane: Hey... Shane walks up to Lori and kisses her. Carl: Mom? Shane exits before he can see them kissing. Shane: What's up, buddy? She's in there, go on. Lori: Hey. I don't want you to worry. Your mom is not going anywhere. Okay? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Go finish your chores. Carl: Okay. Police Car Rick pulls the photograph that he has of his family off of the window. He starts to walk down the road to find some gasoline that he can use to continue his ride to Atlanta. He comes upon a house. Rick: Hello? Police officer out here. Can I borrow some gas? Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rick looks inside and sees two dead bodies with flies buzzing around them. There is a message on the wall written in blood saying "God Forgive Us". Rick walks over to the truck that is sitting in the driveway, but there are no keys. Frustrated, he starts to walk back, but notices a horse. Rick walks toward it and coaxes it. Rick: Easy now, easy. I'm not gonna hurt you. Nothing like that. More like a proposal. Atlanta's just down the road ways. It's safe there. Food, shelter, people, other horses too, I bet. How's that sound? Rick wraps the harness around the horse. Rick: There we go. Good boy. Good boy. Now come with me. Come with me. He leads it out of the stable. Rick rides the horse down the fields. Rick: Let's go easy, ok? I haven't done this for years. Easy. Easy, boy. Easy, easy, easy. Highway Rick: Let's go. He eventually gets to the outskirts of Atlanta. One side of the highway is empty while the other side of the highway is packed with several cars that have been wrecked or abandoned. Rick continues to ride down the empty side of the highway to enter Atlanta. Road Rick rides into the city and along the streets. He sees that the streets are abandoned and there is trash everywhere. Rick leads the horse down the street where there are helicopters, cars, and even a tank wrecked along the road. Rick rides past a bus and some of the walkers see him. They get up and start to walk toward him. Rick doesn't panic. Rick: Steady. It's just a few. Nothing we can't outrun. Rick rides past them and goes to ride down the street. Rick: Okay, whoa whoa whoa. He looks up on the tank and sees a dead body that is being pecked at by crows. He rides past the tank and looks up in the air. He sees a helicopter fly past him. Rick starts to ride in the direction of the helicopter, but when he turns at the corner, there is a lot of walkers. All of them shuffle after Rick and he rides back down the street he came from. He then comes across another huge group of walkers. Rick struggles to get away but he's trapped. Rick falls off the horse and starts to crawl away from it. Some of the walkers eat the horse and Rick realizes that he has dropped his gun bag. He crawls underneath the tank while walkers still try to catch him. They crawl under the tank and Rick shoots some of them with his Colt Python. Rick: Lori, Carl, I'm sorry. Rick prepares to use the last bullet on himself, but sees the hatch above him. He crawls up and shuts it. Tank He sits down and starts to breathe heavily. He then sees a dead soldier in the tank. He takes the soldier's gun, but he's a walker. Rick uses the last bullet in his Python to shoot him through the head. The sound of the bullet in the enclosed space hurts Rick's ears and it takes him a minute to get his hearing back. He starts to crawl up to the top hatch and looks outside. He sees that the bag of guns is lying in the street way out of his reach. The rest of the walkers start to converge on the tank to get at him. Rick shuts the hatch before they can get him. Rick sits in the tank and seems very disheartened. He notices that the soldier's gun is loaded and thinks about taking his own life. Just then, the radio in the tank starts to make static sounds. A voice on the other end starts talking. Man: Hey, you. Dumb ass. Hey, you in the tank. Cozy in there? Rick realizes that he isn't alone. Outside Some of the walkers continue to eat the horse. Others are converging on the tank still trying to get at Rick inside the tank.	Plan: A: Rick Grimes; Q: Who is the Sheriff's deputy who wakes up from a coma to find the world overrun with walkers? A: a gunshot-inflicted coma; Q: What is Rick Grimes waking from? A: his house; Q: Where does Rick Grimes go to try and find his wife and son? A: Morgan Jones; Q: Who is the survivor Rick meets at his house? A: his son; Q: What is Duane? A: Atlanta; Q: Where does Rick Grimes go to find his wife and son? A: Lori; Q: What is the name of Rick's wife? A: Carl; Q: What is the name of Rick's son? A: his former partner; Q: Who is Shane? A: hordes; Q: How many walkers does Rick encounter? Summary: Sheriff's deputy Rick Grimes wakes from a gunshot-inflicted coma to discover the world overrun with walkers. He goes back to his house to try and find his wife and son but meets survivor Morgan Jones and his son Duane. Rick decides to head to Atlanta to find his wife Lori and son Carl , unaware they are safe with other survivors, led by his former partner Shane . He encounters hordes of walkers and becomes trapped inside a tank.
Scene 1: Russell's mansion - Lorena, Bill, Sookie, Tara, Alcide Lorena: No wonder Bill was drawn to you. You're delicious. Sookie: fck you. Lorena: I've never tasted anything like you. What are you? Sookie: I'm the bitch that's gonna kill you. Lorena: Let me go. Bill: Sookie. Do it. Sookie: But... Bill: Do it. Lorena: William. I love you. Sookie: You wouldn't know love if it kicked you in the fangs. (She kills Lorena) Bill? Bill? Help! Help! Credit Alcide and Tara arrive. Tara: Sookie. Sookie: Shut the door. She had to have the key to the manacles. Tara: Is he dead? Sookie: No. He's in real bad shape, but he's... Tara: You sure? Because he looks dead. Sookie: He isn't dead! When vampires are dead, this is what they look like. Tara: Jesus Christ. Alcide: We've got to get out of here. There's wolves all over. Sookie: I know. Alcide: It's only a matter of time before they come. Sookie: I said, I know. Please, help me wrap him up. Tara: What? We ain't got that kind of... Sookie: I am not leaving here without him. Alcide: fck. Let's wrap him up in the tarp. Debbie: Oh, shouldn't have. Vampire burrito? For me? Scene 2: In the woods - Sam, a man Sam is driving in the woods. He stops in front of a man with a gun. Man: What can I do you for? Sam: Here for the fights. Man: What fights? There ain't no fights here. Sam: No? I was told there was gonna be some dogfighting here, and I was hoping to get in on the action. Man: You was told, huh? By who? Sam: Man didn't give me his name. Told him I had money. He told me where I could go to spend it. Man: Now, you don't strike me as the dogfighting type. Sam: Well, you got me all wrong, because I love me some high-stakes gambling, and dogfighting's the ultimate sport for me. And once you done it, you realize cards are for pussies. Man: Well, like I already told you, ain't no fights here. Sam: Look, I got money to burn. I'll give you some. Man: Don't you even think about it. You a cop? Sam No, no, no. I swear. Man: Show me your gun. If you are a cop, you sure as sh1t ain't carrying a cop's gun. Sam: I told you, I ain't a cop. Man: Turn your sh1t around and go. Sam: But... Man: Do it and I will let you live. Sam: All right. All right, easy. All right. Easy. Scene 3: Russell's mansion - Alcide, Debbie, Sookie, Tara, Coot Alcide: Debbie, just let everybody else go, take the vamp with them. You and me, we can talk. Debbie: fck you. I'm the one with the fcking gun. Ain't no one going nowhere. Alcide: Sweetheart... Debbie: I ain't your sweetheart no more. Now give me a minute to think. Debbie's thoughts: I didn't want to do this. Calm down, Debbie. Pull it together. fck, I can't I need some more V. Maybe this vamp still has some blood left in him. Sookie: Don't even think about it, bitch. Debbie: Oh, you sure picked a dumb-ass time to call me bitch, bitch. Tara: Hey now, Sook. Don't do that. Alcide: Sookie, I got this. Debbie: You ain't got sh1t. Alcide: Ain't no way you're pulling that trigger. This ain't you. Debbie's thoughts: These people killed my packmates. Alcide: It's that V talking. This isn't who you are. It's an eye for an eye. Debbie's thought: Only way they can pay us back is with their lives. Sookie: Alcide, I've been listening in and she ain't exactly misrepresenting herself. Debbie: Okay, freak. Your mind-reading sh1t's getting real fcking old. Alcide: Debbie. Debbie, look at me. Look at me. You loved me once. I know you did. Debbie: I'd have given up everything for you, but you wouldn't even give me a baby. Alcide: Sorry. Debbie: Oh, you're sorry? What happened to, "I won't bring one of our kind in the world"? It's too fcking late for you to be sorry. Alcide: It's never too late. You want to talk about it, we can talk about it. Debbie: Back off. Tara's thoughts: Listen to me, Sook. I'll take her out when she ain't looking. Sookie: Tara, don't. Debbie: There ain't no going back. This is who I am now. Alcide: No, baby. It's just a scar. We all got scars. Tara's thoughts: If she shoots him, we're next, and I'm not gonna die here. Alcide: Give me the gun. Debbie: That was your last step. You ain't getting another. Alcide: Debbie. Tara's thoughts: I don't care what you do, Sook. Just distract her for me. Sookie screams. Tara pushes Debbie. Alcide takes the gun. Debbie: fck you. Bitch, I'll kill you. Tara: Go ahead and try. Debbie: Get off of me. Coot: What the hell is going on in here? Alcide shoots on Coot. Debbie: fck! He kills him. Debbie: Oh, my God! Oh, my fcking God! Alcide: Sorry, Debbie. He didn't leave me any choice. Debbie: You... You had a choice. And you picked the fcking fangbanger over one of your own? Alcide: Go on. Get him in the van. I'll be right out. Sookie: Tara, keep the ends wrapped up tight. Debbie: So, what's it gonna be... sweetheart? You gonna kill me too? You fcking better, because if you don't, I'll sniff you out. I will. I will come after you, and I will hunt you down. Alcide: I believe you. Alcide leaves. Sookie: You got him? Tara: All the V I got in me is making me strong. Plus, the fcking fanger's lost a lot of weight in blood, so... Sookie: Is the V making you insensitive as well or is that just you? Tara: He left me for dead. Sookie: Well, two wrongs don't make a right. Alcide: Come on. Sookie: Close the door. I'm riding in the back. Tara: He ain't gonna make it. Don't do this to yourself. Sookie: Close the door! Alcide: All right, let's go. We got company. Tara: Oh, sh1t. (They leave but there are wolves behind them.) You need a faster van. Did you just...? Alcide: Yeah. Man: mtherfcker! Scene 4: Jason's house - Jason, Hoyt, Summer Hoyt: You all right? Jason: No, it's just funny. Never really thought I was smart enough to get depressed, but here I am. Hoyt: Is this still about Crystal? Jason: Just got all these questions spinning around in my head. I don't know what to do with them. Hoyt: Like? Jason: Well, like why is it that I barely know her, but I already love her? And who the fck is that dick she's living with? And why would someone like her put up with that sh1t? And also, do you think she's named after the champagne? Because I'm thinking she was. Hoyt: J, she's from Hotshot. Jason: Yeah. Hoyt: She's probably named after that drug that keeps the town afloat. Jason: No, no way. Hoyt: I'll bet you 100-to-1 her middle name's "Meth." Jason: You're a Christian, Hoyt. That ain't cool, to judge. Hoyt: I know. I'm sorry. Look, I'm just trying to snap you out of it. That's all. Jason: And I appreciate it, but it ain't gonna work. Hoyt: Hey, you remember that dealer that you took down last week at the bust? Jason: I just told you, it ain't gonna work. Reminding me of last week's glory ain't gonna change the fact that this week ain't done sh1t for me yet. Hoyt: Well, you think they still got him down at the jail? Jason: I think so, yeah. Hoyt: Well, why don't you go down there and talk to him? He's the best shot you got at getting answers about Crystal, and he's just sitting down there at the jail locked up waiting for you. Jason: That's genius is what that is. Oh, bubba. I knew you and me being roommates wasn't gonna suck forever. Whoo! Ha-ha! Someone knocks at the door. Summer: May I come in? Hoyt: Summer. Summer: I'm just kidding. I'm not a vampire like your last girlfriend. Hoyt: Girlfriend? Scene 5: In the woods - Sam Sam parks in the woods. He gets out of the car and transforms in a dog. Scene 6: Jason's house - Summer, Hoyt, Jason Summer: I baked biscuits. My great-gram's recipe, still warm from the oven, butter churned by hand, and homemade strawberry preserves I picked myself from the church-house garden. Hoyt: Hm. Summer: This place could use some sprucing up, huh? What? Hoyt: Oh, no, nothing. I just wasn't expecting you, that's all. Summer: I know, and maybe I should have called first. But, Hoyt Fortenberry, I had the most amazing time with you the other night, and then yesterday, I sat by the phone waiting for you to call, and you didn't. Hoyt: Yeah. I got off of work late, and I should have. Summer: Because I woke up this morning, it hit me. "Summer," I said, "why play games?" And then I decided that I was gonna declare my feelings for you, and let the chips fall where they may. And if you don't feel the same way about me, well, then that will be your loss. So here it goes. I like you, Hoyt. I wanna be your girlfriend, and I really want you to taste my biscuits. Hoyt: Uh... Jason: Those biscuits? Summer: Mm-hm. Jason: Oh, mama. Hey, are you Summer? Summer: You told your roommate about me? Jason: Summer, these are... I'm telling you, this one here, she's gonna make a great grandmama one day. She's a keeper. Mm, mm, mm. Summer: Thanks for your vote. Jason: Oh, you earned it. Jason leaves. Summer: You eat, I'll spruce. Scene 7: Sophie-Anne's house - Eric, Hadley, Sophie-Anne Sophie-Anne: Hadley. Hadley: Your Majesty. Sophie-Anne: I wish you didn't have to see me like this. Eric: The reason your human is trembling, is because I've let her in on my plan. Sophie-Anne: Which is? Eric: Which is to sink my fangs into her and drink until you tell me what it is about Sookie Stackhouse that has so obviously piqued your interest. Sophie-Anne: Sookie Stackhouse? I have no interest in her. Eric: And if I drink too much, well, so be it. Sophie-Anne: Fine. So be it. Eric: Really? You've kept this one around a long time. Must be some reason for that. Sophie-Anne: Why do you care about Sookie? Eric: Because you do. And because my king does. Sophie-Anne: Your king? Russell Edgington is the most duplicitous vampire in the Americas, maybe the world. You honestly think you can trust him? Eric: Like I can trust you? The only vampire a vampire can trust is the vampire he made. Mm, mm, mm. I give her three stars. What do you know about Sookie? Sophie-Anne: Nothing. Hadley: Stop. I'll tell you. Sophie-Anne: Hadley, don't. Eric: The queen's confided in you? Hadley: Some. But also... Sookie's my... My cous... Cousin. Eric: Tell me. Sophie-Anne: Hadley. Eric: Tell me, tell me. (She wispers something) Well, I certainly wasn't expecting that. Scene 8: In the woods - Sam, men Man: Git, git. Man: Hey, looks like we got a runner. He belong to any of y'all? Man: Ain't mine. Man: Look at the size of the balls on that son of a bitch. Man 2: We can't have dogs running around on the loose. Hey, you. That's right, you little fucker. Who the hell let you out? Huh? Man: Go get him, Bobby. Man 2: Look at you, sitting all nice and pretty for me. Heh-heh. Tell you what. You ain't gonna stand a chance in that ring. No, you're not. He takes Sam the dog. Scene 9: Alcide's truck - Sookie, Bill, Tara, Alcide Sookie: Bill? Bill. No. Give me some kind of sign if you're still with me. Oh, no. If you make it through this, you owe me. Come on, baby. Drink. Please. Oh, thank you. Oh, God, thank you so much. Easy. Come on. Oh, my God. Cut it out, Bill! Alcide: You need to try and relax. Tara: Relax? I ain't even breathed for a week. Alcide: Then try to. Take a breath. You need it. Scene 10: Police station - Jason, T-Dub, Andu Jason: Greetings, T-Dub. Remember me? T-Dub: Of course I do. You're the son of a bitch who put me in here. Jason: I'm a cop. T-Dub: That's not what I hear. Jason: I'm almost a cop. And I'm here to interrogate you. T-Dub: Do I look like a rat to you? Jason: Ain't nobody asking nobody to rat nobody out. I just... Could you stop pacing like that? T-Dub: No! Jason: Look, man, all I wanna know about is Crystal. T-Dub: My cousin? Jason: She's your cousin? Then you must know who that asshole she's living with is. T-Dub: That asshole is my... Oh, you're smart. Well, I ain't saying another word. Jason: Listen, T-Dub. I don't know Crystal very well, but the little bit I do know her tells me she is a good person in a bad situation. And I think she deserves better, don't you? I mean, you're family. T-Dub: I'm gonna tell you what you wanna know. But you have got to bring me some meth. Jason: What the fck? I-I can't do that, man. T-Dub: I've been in here without it for almost a week and I cannot fcking take it no more. Andy: What the hell, Stackhouse? You ain't supposed to be back here. Jason: Well, I'm just sweeping, you know? Andy: Yeah? Where's your broom? Jason: That's a good point. Andy: Those squad cars need washing again. Jason: I'm on it, boss. Jason leaves. Andy: sh1t. Jason fcking Stackhouse. What the fck am I gonna do? T-Dub: My heart bleeds for you. Andy: Why don't you what you do best and shut up. Scene 11: Alcide's truck - Alcide, Tara, Sookie, Bill Alcide: I'll be quick. Tara: Cool. I'm just gonna check on Sook. Hey, Sook. Sook, you all right back there? sh1t. Alcide: She ain't answering? Alcide comes back. Hey. It's still light out. You open that, you're gonna... Tara: You think I give a fck? Bill: What happened? Tara: You're fcking asking me? Alcide: We have to get her to a hospital. Tara: Get out. Bill: But I can help. Tara: Get out! Don't you fcking die on me, Sookie. Do not fcking die. Bill: Damn. They leave without Bill. Scene 12: In the camp in the woods - Man, Sam Man: Boy, you look mean. You sure do mind good. You're gonna roll right onto your back and take it like a little girl later on, ain't you? I'm betting against you. All right, then. Slide on in here, teddy bear. Sam is in his human form. Man: What the hell? Scene 13: Hospital - Dr Sekular, nurse, Alcide, Tara Someone: Doctor Sekuler to the ER. Nurse: All right, let's go. All right, BP's dropping. She's gonna palp, let's go. Nurse to Alcide and Tara: I'm sorry. Nurse: Get ready to transfuse. Pressure's steady. Doctor: Two more in. Nurse: Line is in. Here we go. Doctor: Piggy-back it. Pressure's good. All right, I'll call the blood bank. Another four units on standby, just in case we need it. She's starting to seize. Doctor: Okay, got it. Nurse: Pressure's accelerating. Doctor: All right, let's get the cart in here. Watch that line. Doctor Sekular: Miss Thornton? Tara: How is she? Doctor: She's lost a lot of blood. Tara: How much blood? Doctor: A lot. Tara: Oh, my God. Alcide: What about a transfusion? I mean, can't... Doctor: We tried. Her body rejected it. Tara: Well, maybe you gave the wrong kind of blood? You checked her first, right? You better not have taken a fcking guess. Doctor: Your friend doesn't have a blood type. Tara: What? Alcide: Everybody has a blood type. Doctor: Exactly. But for whatever reason, we couldn't establish hers and we are running out of time. So I put in an order for O-negative. O-neg is universal donor. But your friend... I have never seen a reaction like that before. I'm sorry. I'm afraid you're gonna have to notify the family. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 14: In the camp on the woods - Sam, Tommy, Melinda, Joe Lee, men Man 1: Piece of sh1t. Don't even die good. Man2: Bring in the next one. Melinda: Tommy, Mama loves you. Joe Lee: Get up, boy. Man: Fifty dollar riding. Joe Lee: Go, Tommy. Take it to him, Tommy. Man: Oh, boy. mtherfcker! Man2: Git. Go. Git. Melinda: Come on, Tommy. Let's go. Go on, git. Man2: Get out of here. Go, go, go. Ma: Hey, you owe me 500 buck Man: I don't owe you sh1t. Sam: Hey. Melinda: Hey, son. Sam: Don't you snarl at me. Good dog. Good, good. Now get the fck out of here. (To Joe Lee) Give him your clothes. Joe Lee: Don't you tell... Sam: Give him your clothes! Scene 15: Merlotte's - Jason, Lafayette, Tara Jason: Sorry. Hey, hey, Lafayette. You got a minute? Lafayette: Last time you came to me all shaky like this, you wanted to buy some V. Jason: Oh, no. I told you, that sh1t's behind me. I just need some meth. Lafayette: What? Jason: Well, it ain't for me, I swear. It's for this dude who we got in lockup. He's got this information I need, but he'll only give it to me if I get him some meth. Lafayette: Jason, no. I don't deal no fcking meth. And even if I did, I wouldn't sell the sh1t to you. And you ought to thank me for it. Jason: Goddamn it, Lafayette, I'm in love. Lafayette: With the dude in jail? Jason: No. With his cousin. (He answers his phone) Hello? Tara: It's me. Jason: Tara? You found her? Where's she at? Tara: It's Sookie. Jason: What about her? Tara? Say something. You're starting to freak me out. Tara: We're at the hospital in Ruston. Sook's in a coma, Jason. You need to get here. You need to get here now. Jason: Sook's in the hospital. Sook's in the fcking hospital. Scene 16: In the camp on the wood - Sam, Joe Lee, Melinda, Tommy Melinda: You warm now, son? Tommy: Little better, yeah. Sam: Well, now you give a sh1t. I thought Tara had a shitty mother, but you take the cake. Joe Lee: Don't talk that way. Sam: Don't talk to me that way. Like making people scared? Think you're good at it? I can't understand the power you got over them, because I see you for what you are. You're just a scared man in saggy underpants with no discernable life skills whatsoever. Come on, Tommy. Melinda: Where are you going? Sam: Taking him with me. Melinda: What? I can't. Sam: You can, Tommy. You can be free of them. Melinda: He's my son. You can't do this to me. Sam: Oh, yes, I can, and so can he. I thought the Merlottes were the worst people I'd ever met. The two of you Mickens make them look like a coup Dalai Lamas. You really fcking do. Melinda: I'm sorry, Sam. I know we let you down... Sam: You're sorry. Great. Duly noted. Come on, Tommy. You coming with me? Tommy, I can't promise you a perfect life, but I can promise you it'll be better than this one. Tommy: Yeah, I'm coming. Sam: All right. Come on, let's do this. Joe Lee: Don't you worry, Lindy. We'll get him back. Melinda: I hate you! I hate your fcking guts. Scene 17: Hospital - Jason, woman, Lafayette, Alcide, Tara, Sookie, Claudine, Bill Woman: I understand that this is hard, but as the responsible party here, there's certain decisions that you might have to make. Jason: No. No. I ain't responsible. Woman: But you are the next of kin. Jason: Maybe, but I ain't responsible. I mean, I can't be. Woman: I understand your position, but in the event your sister... Lafayette: Just leave him alone, please. Woman: But I... Lafayette: I said, leave him alone. Go find somebody else's organs to harvest or some sh1t. Woman: I'm sorry. Alcide: I'll smooth it over. Jason: Thank you. Lafayette: Listen to me. fck her. This sh1t ain't over. Tara: Just don't make no sense. How can Sookie not have a blood type? You got one? Jason: AB-negative. I only know it because I'm always cutting myself with power tools and whatnot. But Sook, she ain't never really been sick before. Definitely never stayed in a hospital. Wasn't even born in one. Tara: I didn't know that. Jason: Yeah, our mama was always waiting till the last minute to do everything. And Sook, she was coming out real fast, so there wasn't any time. Our daddy had to deliver her on the dining-room table. Saw more of it than I cared to. You think it's all this vampire blood she's had that did this to her? Tara: It ain't the blood she drank that did this. It's the piece of sh1t vampire she drank it from. Jason: You really kicked him out in the sun? Tara: Mm-hm. And he's nothing but fcking ash now, and good riddance. Jason: Hey, Sook. Don't you do this to me. I wasn't playing before when I said you're all I got. I fcking need you. So come on back. Tara: And I fcking need you too. Lafayette: Come on, y'all. Stop cussing at her. We're gonna figure this thing out. Sookie dreams. She wakes up in her room in a dress. She gets out and there's a woman. Sookie: Where am I? Claudine: Sookie. You're in the hospital. You can't seem to stay out of trouble, can you? Sookie: I don't... Do you know me? Claudine: Come. Sookie: Who are you? Claudine: I'm Claudine. Oh, dear. Your cup is empty. We can't have that, can we? They enter in the fairy world. Sookie: Oh, Claudine. Claudine: I know. It's beautiful. Drink. Sookie: My God. It's the most amazing thing I've ever tasted. Claudine: You've had it before. Sookie: Okay, but where did she come from? Claudine: Oh, don't be fooled. That pond is bigger and deeper than you think. Sookie: Can we dance? Claudine: We can always dance. Sookie: I knew you were gonna say that. Claudine: And I knew you were going to say that. Come. Back at the hospital. Lafayette: I think over again my small adventures, my fears, those small ones that seemed so big. For all the vital things I had to get and reach, and yet there is only one great thing, the only thing, to live to see the great day that dawns and the light that fills the world. Jason: That's beautiful. Lafayette: That's because that sh1t is Inuit. And we all is used to lesser religions. Back in the fairy world Sookie: I'm gonna have to sit this one out. I guess I don't have the endurance that you all have. Claudine: Oh, not to worry. You will one day. Sookie: You promise? Claudine: I do. Oh, Sookie. Don't go back. Come with us. Sookie: Come with you where? Claudine: Our home. It's more beautiful than anything you can imagine. Sookie: How do you get there? Claudine: Swim. Come. Sookie:'s thoughts: Hate deep water. Mama and Daddy were killed by water. Don't. Can't swim. Sookie: I can't. See, I never learned to swim. Claudine's thoughts: Do not fear the water. It wasn't the water that killed them. Sookie: What? If it wasn't the water that killed them, then what did? Claudine: The dark approaches. The dark approaches. Back at the hospital. Bill: How is she? Tara: mtherfcker. Bill: She's dying. Tara: Thanks to you. Bill: I can help. Lafayette: The fck you c. Tara: Oh, hell, no. He's the one who did this. Jason: sh1t. Bill: Jason, there is no time. My blood can save her. In the fairy world. Claudine: Hurry. I will see you all at home. Woman: I've never seen a vampire before. Claudine: I promise. You don't want to. Sookie: Bill's not like that. Claudine: I don't have time to explain why you're wrong. You have to come with us, Sookie. It's not safe for you anymore. Sookie: Why? Claudine: He will steal your light. Sookie: What light? Claudine: Sookie. Sookie: No. I'm not going with you. I don't know you. Claudine: Do not let him take it from you. Promise me. Sookie: How do I get back from here? Claudine? Claudine! Back at the hospital. Jason: Do it. Tara: Jason! Jason: Tara, it's my call. Do it. Come on, Sookie. Scene 18: Sam's car - Sam, Tommy Sam drives. They are silent. Scene 19: Fangtasia - Magister, Pam, Eric, Sophie-Anne, Russell Magister: I come bearing gifts because I want you to know how rotten I feel about the way I've been treating you. I sent one of my minions to Tiffany's to pick up a little something for you. Pam: How'd you know I was a Tiffany's girl? Magister: Hm. Most women are. And those who aren't just think they're not. Pam: They're beautiful. Magister: Mm. They're sterling silver. Pam: Excellent. They'll match my chains. Magister: Unfortunately, seeing you now I realize your ears are already pierced. Would you object to my piercing your eyelids? Pam: Not at all. Magister: Very well. Hm. Eric: Enough. Pam: Eric. Magister: Mr. Northman. It's only enough if Bill Compton is with you. Is he? Eric: No, Magister. But the queen of Louisiana is. Magister: Our deal was... Eric: I'll confess that you were correct before in suspecting me, but everything I did was at her behest. Magister: You realize, of course, you're committing treason, throwing your queen under the bus as you are. Eric: Oh, but she's no longer my queen. My loyalty is to Mississippi now. Russell: And Mississippi's proud to claim Mr. Northman as one of her own. Love the place. Love your vibe. We must talk franchising later. Magister: Russell Edgington. Russell: You may call me King. Magister: Is it true what Northman says? Sophie-Anne: Yes, Magister. Magister: Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you. By the powers vested in me by the authority... Russell: The authority? Magister: ... I hereby... Russell: Are you serious? Who are the authority? What gave them the authority? Nothing. No one. Eric: You okay? Russell: They took it, as I am taking it today. I no longer recognize the authority. Magister: You are aware... (to Eric) She stays on the table! You are aware that just saying that is a cardinal sin. Russell: I am aware of just what a tough little boat I'm putting you in. Honestly, it is kind of fun. Magister: You know I'm beholden by duty to convey your blasphemy to the authority... Russell: To the authority? Well, that won't be happening. But enough about you. In exchange for the money she owes the IRS, Queen Sophie Anne, mwah, has kindly accepted my marriage proposal. Sophie-Anne: I had no choice. Magister: Your Majesty... Russell: Yes, my loyal subject? Oh, we would be delighted if you would officiate the wedding for us. Magister: I am forbidden to conduct any rights of alignment unless specifically authori... Russell: Unless specifically authorized to do so by the authority. Yes, well, perhaps you have not quite grasped the subtext of our earlier exchange, but there's a new fcking authority in town. Magister: I swear fealty now and always to the one true vampire authority in whose wisdom and justice I... You pathetic fool. Russell: Blindly doing the bidding of others, just like humans. It's vampires like you who've been holding the rest of us back for centuries. Scene 20: Hospital -Bill, Sookie Everyone is sleeping in the room. Sookie wakes up. When she sees Bill who's smiling at her, she screams. Scene 21: Fangtasia - Magister, Russell, Eric, Sophie-Anne, Pam Pam: You can dish it out, but you sure can't take it, can you, Magister Eric: Let's see how this plays out, Pam. You can always taunt later. Sophie-Anne: Can we hurry this along? I'm getting cold feet. Russell: Of course, my little pudding. This could be so much less painful if you just said the f*cking words! Magister: I am bound by duty to uphold the sacred laws of... Russell: Ah, ah, ah. Your call. Magister: I hereby pronounce you... husband and wife. Russell: Thank you. Sophie-Anne: Yes, thanks. So happy I could bleed. Eric: Congratulations, Your Majesties. Pam: Yes, congrats. Magister: You realize, of course, the authority will never recognize... Russell: Its own irrelevancy? That's where you and I differ, Magister. I truly believe they will, and soon. Andalusia, the Iberian Peninsula. Mm. Later 9th century, no? Well, whatever. It's a long enough time for you to have outgrown your blind allegiance to the authority and their rule of law. There is only one law: The law of nature, the survival of the fittest. And we need to take this world back from the humans, not placate them with billboards and PR campaigns while they destroy it. That is not authority. That is abdicating authority. Eric: Your Majesty. Shall we? Russell: We shall. Actually, no. Say hello to the true death. Russell kills the Magister.	Plan: A: Lorena; Q: Who does Sookie stake with Bill's help? A: Alcide; Q: Who kills Cooter? A: Tara; Q: Who concocts a plan in Sookie's head to get the upper hand? A: safety; Q: What does Sookie want to get Bill to? A: their plans; Q: Debbie tries to thwart what? A: vengeance; Q: What does Debbie vow to Alcide? A: her blood; Q: What does Sookie let Bill feed on to help him revive him? A: a magical place; Q: Where does Sookie visit while in a coma? A: Claudine; Q: Who does Sookie meet in her coma? A: a blood type; Q: What does Sookie not have? A: his blood; Q: What does Bill use to save Sookie? A: Sam; Q: Who rescues Tommy from the dog fighting ring? A: his parents; Q: Who does Tommy want to leave? A: Jason; Q: Who tries to learn more about Crystal from her jailed cousin? A: Maxine; Q: Who encourages Summer to declare her feelings for Hoyt? A: local girl Summer; Q: Who declares her feelings for Hoyt? A: Eric; Q: Who forces Hadley into revealing Sookie's secret? A: Pam; Q: Who does Eric, Russell and Sophie-Anne go to Fangtasia to rescue? A: the Magister; Q: Who does Russell force to marry him and Sophie-Anne? Summary: With Bill's help, Sookie stakes Lorena. Alcide and Tara attempt to help Sookie get Bill to safety. Debbie tries to thwart their plans but Tara concocts a plan in Sookie's head to get the upper hand. Alcide kills Cooter, causing Debbie to vow vengeance on Alcide. Sookie lets Bill feed on her blood to help revive him, but he ends up attacking her, putting her in a coma. While in her coma, Sookie visits a magical place and meets Claudine. Learning that Sookie does not have a blood type, Bill uses his blood to save her. Sam rescues Tommy from the dog fighting ring and persuades him to leave his parents. Jason attempts to learn more about Crystal from her jailed cousin. At Maxine's urging, local girl Summer declares her feelings for Hoyt. Eric forces Sookie's cousin, Hadley , into revealing Sookie's secret. Eric, Russell and Sophie-Anne go to Fangtasia to rescue Pam. Russell forces the Magister to marry him and Sophie-Anne, killing him immediately afterward.
Skyline: A helicopter rises above the skyline. ACT ONE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment - Morning Daphne is setting the table for breakfast. Martin comes out. Martin: Hey, Daphne! You seen Eddie? Daphne: No, I haven't. Martin: It just doesn't feel right to start the day without him licking me awake. Daphne: Well, don't look at me. Frasier comes in the front door with Eddie. Frasier: Morning, all. Daphne, I got treats! Martin: What the hell are you doing with him? Frasier: We went for a walk. Martin: I'm talking to Eddie. Frasier: When I saw what a beautiful day it was, I headed for the park. Of course, the only people in the park at this hour of the morning without dogs are winos and that guy in the harem pants that washes his hair in the fountain. He says hello, by the way. Daphne: It is sort of nice out, isn't it? Frasier: Sort of nice? My God, haven't you people noticed this? It's incredible! Dad, you should feel this. It's eighty degrees outside and it's the middle of February! Daphne: Oh, it is beautiful, and in the middle of such a terrible winter. Oh, I love nature's little aberrations: warm days in winter, four leaf clovers, Australians... Frasier: Yes, it is glorious. It defies you not to take a moment to acknowledge the power that created it. Martin: [out the window] Thank you, global warming! Hey Frasier, think your guy down at the liquor store could send a bottle of Scotch to my buddy Jimmy in Montana? Frasier: Sure, Dad. What's the occasion? Martin: Today's his sixteenth birthday. Frasier: Oh well, you'll want to throw in a hooker too, won't you? Martin: No, don't you get it? It's February 29th. Frasier: Hmm. Martin: It's a leap year. Frasier: Right. Martin: He only gets a birthday every four years. Frasier: I get it, Dad. Martin: He's really sixty-four. Frasier: I can do the math. Martin: Jimmy's having a big shindig tonight. A lot of guys from the force fly in for it. Everybody drinks a lot of beer, and then they have a contest to see who's got the biggest scar. You know, this year I had a real good chance of winning it now that "Shark Bait" O'Reilly's finally died. He takes his coffee to his chair and opens the paper. Daphne: So, why aren't you going? Frasier: Yeah Dad, you should go. Martin: Ah, Montana's too far away. Frasier: Well Dad, his birthday only comes around once every four years. As a matter of fact, this day only comes around every four years. You know, it's like a free day, a gift. We should do something special, be bold! It's leap year, take a leap! Martin: You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you. Daphne: Your son's right. You shouldn't be afraid to shake up your routine a little bit. Martin: Hey, I don't see you taking any big leaps today. Daphne: If there was something I wanted to do, I would do it. Martin: Well, you're always whining about wanting to change your hair. Daphne: [whining] I don't whine! Martin gets up and goes to the kitchen. Martin: [imitating] "I'm so sick of me hair. Do you think I should get it cut like Princess Di? Ooh, do you think that'd make me cheeks look too fat? That reminds me of the craziest thing me Grammy Moon used to say!" [N.B. John Mahoney is an Englishman by birth. In fact, while Jane Leeves is actually from Essex, in southeast Britain, Mahoney was born in the northwest county of Lancashire, adjacent to Daphne's Manchester.] Martin: I'll pay for the damn haircut if you stop yakking and just do it. Daphne: Yes, well I'll pay for you to go to Montana. [aside to Frasier] That's not the one next to New Hampshire, is it? Frasier: No. And Dad can pay for his own trip. Daphne: All right, then. And I can pay for me own haircut. Martin comes back and sits at the breakfast table. Frasier: All right, Dad, back in your court. Are you up to the leap year challenge? Martin: Ah... Frasier: Dad, Jimmy's already sixteen. How many more birthdays is he going to have? Martin: [smiles] You know, I would kind of hate not being there when Jimmy brings out the big ham. Oh, all right, what the hell, I'll go. I'll call the airlines after breakfast. Frasier: That's the spirit! Martin: Hey, what's your big leap year challenge? The doorbell goes. Frasier: Well, have you forgotten? I'm singing "Buttons and Bows" tonight at the P.B.S. pledge drive. Martin: You sung that same stupid song for the last three years. Frasier: Yes, but I'm doing something remarkably fresh and different with it this year! Martin: You're just blowing smoke, aren't you? Frasier: Like a '56 Rambler! He opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Good morning, Niles! Niles: Good? It's glorious, heaven-sent! And you know why? Maris called! She wants to get together with me this evening. Frasier: Oh Niles, that's wonderful news! It's high time you and Maris sat down and talked through your problems. Niles: She doesn't want to talk. When she says "get together" she means in the "You wear the crème fraiche, I'll lick it off" sense. She's cleared her schedule from seven till seven- thirty, that means foreplay AND cuddling! Martin: [gets up] You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams? Niles: Yes. Martin: It's a two-way street. He exits. Daphne: Breakfast, Dr. Crane? Niles: Uh yes, thank you, Daphne. She goes to the kitchen as Frasier and Niles sit at the table. Frasier: Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands, you come running? Niles: Oh well, don't forget there's a little something for me in this too. I haven't had sx in six months. Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating, you've only been separated for three. Niles: And your point would be? Frasier: You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay? Niles: Substitute a 16th-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll! Frasier: Niles, you and Maris have not sat down and discussed your problems. As a psychiatrist you know that sx will only cloud the issues. Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me. Frasier: Oh, Niles... Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any. He gets up. Frasier: Well, will you at least think about what I've said? Niles: I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning, so I have a very small window of opportunity. Frasier: Niles... you know I'm right. Niles: [frustrated] You just don't want me to have sx because you're not having any! Frasier: [shakes a finger at him] I most certainly am too! Niles: [grabs his hand] Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes. Frasier, miserable, turns around and sits back at the table, sulkily putting his napkin in his lap. Frasier: Niles... Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. [he sits back down] It's not going to be easy, though. Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sx. Daphne: [o.s.] Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane? Niles's hand shakes, rattling his coffee cup on the table. Frasier steadies him. Frasier: Grandma in a teddy. Niles: [thinks, then] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] NO, BUT I HEAR OLEG CASSINI TAKES THAT BUS Scene Two - KACL Roz is setting up for the show. Frasier comes in the door, singing. Frasier: You're all mine in buttons and bows! [pushes the door closed with his foot] Roz: Oh God, it must be P.B.S. pledge time again. Frasier: Mmm-hmm! Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it's springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance. Roz: If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation. Frasier: Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood. Roz: Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life? Frasier: Well, alimony aside, I found it rather liberating. Roz: My car wouldn't start, so I had to take the bus. And we're all crowded on there, when suddenly I smell Lagerfeld, and I - I look up, and there he is. Frasier: Carl Lagerfeld? Roz: His name is Gary. I don't know his last name. Anyway, we got to talking, and you know, we were really connecting. I started to believe in kismet. And all of a sudden, all these people want to get off the bus, and I'm in their way, so I get off to let them out, and before I can get back on, the damn bus drives off - out of my life, forever. Frasier: I'm sure another one would have come along in ten minutes or so. Roz: I'm talking about the guy. Frasier: So am I. Roz: You don't get it, Frasier. I mean, I really felt this guy was the one. Frasier: Roz, if you really want to try to find him again, you know we do reach half a million listeners. Why don't you just tell your story on the air? Roz: On the air? Oh, I couldn't do that, it would make me look pathetic. Oh, it's too bizarre, it's too needy. Frasier: [looks at the clock] It's two o'clock. Roz: Oh my God! She rushes into her booth, closes the door, and cues him. Frasier: A glorious good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm thinking a lot today about leap year. Today is February 29th, and although it isn't an official holiday, perhaps it could be looked upon as one in a metaphorical sense. Just as Christmas reminds us to be generous of spirit, so leap year reminds us to take a leap in our own lives. To be bold, try something new. Too often we shrink from doing things we really want to, held back by... oh, appearing foolish, perhaps... Roz? She looks up, surprised. Frasier: Is there anything you'd like to say before we start taking calls? Roz: No. Frasier: I'm reminded of a quotation by John Greenleaf Whittier: "For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been'"... Roz? Roz: No. Frasier: Did you know that a woman over the age of thirty has less chance of getting married than of being killed in a terrorist attack? Roz looks alarmed, and grabs the mike. Roz: This is to Gary. I was on the Number Seven bus around noon, and you were a stockbroker with a tan briefcase and a cleft chin, and the bus was really crowded and we both reached for the hand strap and our hands touched and we laughed and you said I had a really great laugh and I said you had a really great laugh and we laughed at that... Frasier taps on the glass and signals her to cut to the chase. Roz: Anyway, uh, you asked me if I were free on Friday, but we got separated before I could give you my phone number, which I would have because I really liked you and I thought you were cute. Suddenly mortified, she claps her hands over her mouth and motions Frasier to take over. Frasier: So Gary, if you're listening, please, please give us a call. We'll be right back after these words. He goes to commercial. Frasier: Oh my God, oh my God! How could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute" - who am I, Marcia Brady?! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Later Frasier and Roz are still on the air. Frasier: Well, we'll be right back for more calls, and more on the search for Gary, after this news break. He goes to the news. Niles comes in, excited. Niles: Good news! I've figured out a way I can have sx and we can all be happy! Frasier: As I pause to make sure the "ON AIR" light is off, [Niles looks at the light, mortified] continue. Reset to: Hallway Niles follows Frasier as he comes out and gets something from the candy machine. Niles: Well, I was driving down the freeway [glances at a passing woman] trying hard not to notice the provocative decals truckers have on their mud flaps, when I heard your little speech about breaking out of familiar patterns. Frasier: Mmm-hmm. Niles: Well, sleeping alone has been my pattern! I'm ready to take a leap! Frasier: No, you're not. Niles: Okay, not a leap, but you've got to give me something. A hop, a bound. [hopping up and down] Gimme a jump, oh God-! Frasier: [grabs him] Niles, will you just get a grip! Reset to: Booth Frasier comes back in, Niles follows him. Frasier: If you thought being with Maris was the right thing to do, you'd be there with her. You know it's wrong. That's why you're here, asking for my permission. Roz comes in with some papers. Niles: Frasier, Frasier, what if we don't have sx? What if we just snuggle? Roz: Whoops, excuse me! She drops the papers and returns to her booth. Niles follows her. Niles: Roz... I never noticed what a perky little walk you have. Roz dashes away and drops into her seat, with Niles following and repeating "Roz... Roz..." as Frasier grabs him and pushes him back into the other booth. Frasier: Niles, get back! You just stop that! Get control. My God, man, there are far more important things here than simple immediate physical gratification. Niles: You're right, I... I just have to martial my self-discipline and... and be strong. Niles leaves the booth and starts to walk down the hallway, past the glass. A woman passes him, and he turns around to follow her. As Niles passes the door, Frasier opens it and throws a glass of water at him. Niles turns back around. Roz comes in with some more papers as Frasier takes his seat. Roz: Fifteen seconds. Frasier: Oh. Roz: [looks down the hall] What is wrong with your brother today? Frasier: Oh, ignore him. You know, human nature never ceases to amaze me - how otherwise rational people can be turned into babbling ninnies by their hormones. A handsome man in a suit has appeared in the glass, holding a bouquet of flowers. Roz: OH MY GOD! IT'S GARY! OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM! She runs out of the booth. Frasier goes back on the air, watching happily as Roz accepts the flowers, then embraces Gary. Frasier: Well, we're back. You'll all be glad to know that Cupid's arrow has hit its mark. Gary has just arrived in the hallway, and has a big bouquet of flowers for Roz. He turns back to the mike. Frasier: You know, the truth is, I'm really quite delighted with the way things have turned out today. It inspires me to take a little leap of my own. As many of you know, this evening, for the third year in a row I will be appearing on the P.B.S. pledge drive... CUT TO: Hallway Gary: You know, I was getting a little nervous, the way you were describing me on the air. Roz: Why? Gary: Well, my wife listens to the show. Roz: You're married? Gary: Yeah, but it's okay. I still want to go out with you. Roz starts hitting him with the bouquet. CUT TO: Booth Frasier: So, instead of "Buttons and Bows," I have chosen to sing a very challenging aria from Verdi's Rigoletto - something I have never attempted outside the shower. I certainly hope my little gamble turns out as well as Roz's has. He turns around and sees Roz attacking Gary. He turns back round. Frasier: Or even better. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Four - Apartment - Night Frasier is playing the notes of the Verdi aria, and singing it - badly. Niles comes out, drying his hair. Frasier: Oh, God! Niles: Well, perhaps they'll pledge to get you to stop singing. Oh, and by the way, thanks so much for the cold shower tip. Frasier: Did it work? Niles: No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tail, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail. Frasier: Yes, well I suppose it stood to reason being showered with coldness would only bring Maris more to mind. Niles: Keep making remarks like that, I won't help you rehearse. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. It's just that I'm awfully nervous. Niles: [pouring sherry] You know, as much as I admire your willingness to take a leap, I did warn you that you were getting into a dangerous "aria." [wan chuckles] Oh God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration. It's high school all over again. Frasier: Look Niles, I know it's difficult, but Maris has got to learn that you're not just someone who can be ordered to perform at will. Now sit, play! Niles sits at the piano, and begins playing. Frasier begins singing, again very off-key. Suddenly, Martin storms in the front door, throws down his suitcase, and slams the door. They stop and turn. Martin: Next time it looks like I'm going to follow a piece of your advice, shoot me in the head first! Frasier: Dad! Why aren't you in Montana? Martin: Fifteen minutes out, a flock of Canadian geese flew into one of our engines. They were the lucky ones! He marches into the kitchen. Frasier and Niles, concerned, follow him. Reset to the kitchen. Martin grabs a beer from the fridge. Martin: Next thing you know, we're falling five thousand feet. Smokehouse almonds are flying everywhere, people are screaming and hugging each other. The guy in the next seat grabbed hold of my hand, and you know what? I didn't pull it away! Reset to the Living Room Martin comes out, followed by the boys. Martin: Then our pilot comes out. Our landing gear's out, we're gonna have to do an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam! So, five hellish minutes later, we're bouncing across the runway. Then the stewardess comes out and says we're gonna have to go down the emergency slide. So down I go, headfirst into this sea of foam. Last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche! Frasier: My God, Dad, I am so sorry. Niles: So-so, these stewardesses, were they also covered with foam? Frasier: Will you stop it! Dad, if you'd like to talk about it, we're both here for you. Martin: Boy, I tell you, times like this, you just... all you can think of is your loved ones, and how you wish you'd spent more time with them. Beat. All: Eddie! Martin goes off to his room. Frasier sits at the dining table. Niles: Well, let's get back to work. Frasier: Mmm-hmm. Niles: [checks his watch] I need something to take my mind off the fact that at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into a non-fat milk bath. He sits at the piano, but notices Frasier's thoughtful look. Niles: Is something wrong? Frasier: Yes, something's wrong. Things turned out so badly for Roz and Dad today, I'm just wondering if my little leap is ill- advised. Niles: Oh, now... Frasier: Maybe this aria thing won't turn out so well, either. Niles: Just because theirs went wrong doesn't mean yours will, too. Frasier: Yeah... Niles: They're two isolated incidents. Frasier gets up and stands behind Niles. Niles: All right. He plays the intro to the aria again, and Frasier begins to sing. Suddenly the door slams again. They turn and see a tearful Daphne, whose hair is flared up in a wildly frizzy crest. Niles: Oh, will these infernal temptations never end?! Daphne: Oh, tell me the truth. Is it as bad as I think it is? Frasier: [stalling] How... bad do you think it is? Daphne: [sobbing] Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! Your fault! She storms to her room. Niles: Okay, that's it. I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving. He gets up and goes to the door. Frasier: No, Niles! You can't leave me now, I need you more now than ever. Niles: Oh, give it up. No one who's followed your little "take a leap" philosophy has ended up even remotely better. I don't care what you're saying, I'm going to Maris. He guns down his sherry, then hurls it into the fireplace with a crash. Frasier: You will rue the day! Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it! He leaves, as Frasier sulks. [SCENE_BREAK] HUH? Scene Five - TV Studio The P.B.S. pledge drive. There is a phone bank against one wall, where several people, including Roz, are taking calls. Next to a small performing stage is a piano, where Frasier is hovering anxiously. He puts his sheet music down, when his accompanist, Pete, arrives. Frasier: Oh, Pete. Pete: Hi, Doc. I hear you're doing something new this year. [sees music] Whoa! Frasier: [hopefully] What, is it too hard for you? Pete: Me? No, I'm-I'm worried about you. I can hit any note. [hits high note] See? Frasier looks extremely worried. Angle on Roz on the other side of the room: Roz: No, Lamb Chop's not here. Big Bird isn't here either. What are you doing up so late? Oh. Do you have your mommy's credit card handy? [Frasier comes over] Have your mommy call us back later, bye-bye. She rises in her seat and smoothes Frasier's tie. Roz: Well, I guess your little aria must be coming up soon. Frasier: Yeah - along with some Veal Milanese and a rather disappointing Chardonnay. Oh, Roz, I hope you're not still angry with me for the way my advice backfired today? Roz: Oh no, not at all! In fact, I've been meaning to tell you how much I admire you for what you're doing tonight. After watching me crash and burn like that, you're going to go out and sing this very difficult song... in a foreign language... under these unflattering lights, with your clothes soaked with sweat, on live television... Frasier: How long are you going to stay mad at me? Roz: Until the day I get married. Pete calls from the other side. Pete: Yo, Doc, Doc! [Frasier crosses] Please, please, I've been going over your music, and when we get to this section here, either I can play really loud, or jab you with a pin, because between you and me, you're not hitting this note without a pole vault. The stage manager passes Frasier. Manager: Ten seconds, Dr. Crane. Frasier stands for a moment in agitation, then... Frasier: That's it! That's it! I'm not doing the aria! Roz: What? You're backing out after you made all of us take those stupid leaps? Frasier: You bet I am! It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's! Roz: But you promised all your listeners! Frasier: Oh, what's the difference?! [a red light on the camera blinks on] Who watches P.B.S.?! Seeing the light, he switches to his suave radio voice. Frasier: I'll tell you who: discerning, cultured viewers, like yourselves. Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. And like yourselves, I care about quality programming, such as foreign films, classical music, opera - which is why I intended to sing a rather challenging piece: an aria from Verdi's Rigoletto. But, who am I to ignore the dozens of phone calls that have come in requesting my signature piece, a rather charming little ditty that I first sang three years ago on Classic Western Movie Week. So without further ado, I give you "Buttons and Bows," from Paleface. Maestro, please? Pete begins playing. [N.B. There are two versions of what Frasier sings printed below: Matthew Barr's, as nearly as I can remember it, and the version printed by the closed captioning on the DVD. I do this to emphasize just how wildly unintelligible Frasier's ad-libbing is.] Frasier: [singing] East is East, and West is West East is East, and West is West And the wrong one I have chose And the wrong one I have chose Let's go where you keep on wearing those- Let's go where you'll keep on wearing those- [forgetting words] [forgetting words] Da da dahs, and boppa dohs, Da da dahs, and boppa dohs, Things and buttons, buttons and bows! And things and buttons, buttons and bows! Roz looks up, confused. Don't bury me, uh - lovely pea, Don't bury me, the something "P", Something, la-la-la! Something, la-la-la! Let's all go to a... taco show, and Let's all go to a... taco show, and and a how I love, such and thrush, how a, such an impressive, blow my nose, blow my nose, You look great in buttons and bows! You look great in buttons and bows! I love you in buckskin, I love you in buckskin, la da-da da-da daaaa! la da-da da-da daaaa! Continuing the song with unintelligible grunting, he turns around, and wipes his brow. Everybody! Everybody! My bones denounce, the fearful trounce, My bones denounce, the fearful trounce, and la-la la-la Moldic rose! and la-la la-la mole that grows! Ba-da Seuss, a palm caboose! Bada souse, a pom capoose! and a panda hop, and pantyhose and a penta hoss, and pantyhose You look buppity, buttons and bows! You'll look buppity, buttons and bows! He blithely takes a bow. Roz smiles - she's had her payback. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Apartment Later that night, Martin and Daphne (with her hair in a towel) are sitting in the living room, watching Frasier's TV performance and killing themselves with laughter. Daphne: Oh, I bet this is one leap year Dr. Crane won't be sorry to see the back of! Martin bursts out laughing again. Daphne: Should we rewind it, so we can watch it again? Martin: No, no, not yet, let it finish first, this is the verse where he REALLY loses it! Both: [singing] Bippity-boppity, hippity-dos Something and something, and buttons and bows! They finish with a little arm jiggle similar to Frasier's ending, then fall back in their seats, busting their buttons. Martin: Okay, now you can rewind it! Daphne reaches for the remote, but Eddie grabs it and runs off. Martin: Hey! But Daphne and Martin sit back, very satisfied. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier, wrung out after his humiliation at the telethon, opens the door to Niles. Niles gives him a comforting hug, then Frasier asks Niles if he crumbled and went to have s*x with Maris. Niles assures Frasier that he didn't. Frasier offers Niles sherry. As he goes to the bar, Niles finds a dab of crème fraiche behind his ear and hurriedly licks it off.	Plan: A: February 29; Q: What is Leap Year Day? A: Montana; Q: Where is the birthday party that Frasier's father is going to? A: his father; Q: Who does Frasier recommend a trip to a friend's birthday party to? A: a new haircut; Q: What does Daphne want to get for Leap Year Day? A: the PBS Pledge Drive; Q: Where does Frasier sing a challenging aria from Verdi's Rigoletto? A: Maris; Q: Who is Niles planning a reunion with? A: new things; Q: What does everyone try to do but fail at? A: failure; Q: What do all of the attempts to do something different meet with? Summary: It is February 29, Leap Year Day , and Frasier is encouraging everyone to do something different: he commends a trip to a friend's birthday party in Montana to his father, and a new haircut to Daphne. He himself decides to sing a challenging aria ("Ella mi fu rapita; Parmi veder le lagrime") from Verdi 's Rigoletto at the PBS Pledge Drive that evening, instead of the traditional Buttons and Bows . Niles is planning a reunion with Maris. Everyone's attempts to do new things meet with failure.
The Doctor gets out of the TARDIS, pulls away a curtain and smiles. Donna steps beside him. THE DOCTOR: Ancient Rome. Well, not to them, obviously. To all intents and purposes, right now, this is brand new Rome. DONNA: Oh my God, it's... It's so Roman! This is fantastic! She hugs him. THE DOCTOR: Haha! DONNA (enthusiastic): I'm here, in Rome, Donna Noble, in Rome. This is just weird! I mean, everyone here's dead. THE DOCTOR: Well, don't tell them that. DONNA (sobered): Hold on a minute, that sign over there's in English. She points to a board advertising "Two amphoras for the price of one". DONNA: Are you having me on, are we in Epcot? THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, that's the TARDIS translation circuits, just makes it look like English. Speech as well, you're talking Latin right now. DONNA: Seriously? THE DOCTOR: Uh huh. DONNA: I just said "seriously" in Latin. THE DOCTOR: Oh yeah. DONNA: What if I said something in actual Latin? Like, "Veni, vidi, vici"? My dad said that when he came back from football. If I said "Veni, vidi, vici" to that lot, what would it sound like? THE DOCTOR: I'm not sure. You have to think of difficult questions, don't you? DONNA: I'm gonna try it. She walks to a stallholder. STALLHOLDER: Afternoon sweetheart. What can I get you, my love? DONNA: Ehm... Veni, vidi, vici. STALLHOLDER: Huh? Sorry? (gesticulating wildly) Me-no-speak-Celtic. No-can-do-missy. DONNA: Yeah. She walks back to the Doctor. DONNA: How's he mean, Celtic? THE DOCTOR: Welsh. You sound Welsh. There we are, learnt something. As they walk away, a red-cloaked soothsayer is watching them. DONNA: Don't our clothes look a bit odd? THE DOCTOR: Nah. Ancient Rome, anything goes. It's like Soho, but bigger. DONNA: You've been here before then? The young soothsayer is following them. THE DOCTOR: Mm. Ages ago. Before you ask, that fire had nothing to do with me. Well... a little bit. But I haven't got the chance to look around properly. Colosseum, Pantheon, Circus Maximus... you'd expect them to be looming by now. Where is everything? He looks up, then heads to a different alley, followed by Donna, and the soothsayer. THE DOCTOR: Try this way. They reach a wide street. Donna glimpses something. DONNA: Not an expert, but there's seven hills of Rome, aren't there? They both look at the one, huge mountain towering over the town. DONNA: How come they've only got one? There's a loud roar and an earthquake begins. POMPEII CITIZEN: Here we go again! The locals act like this is the most natural thing on earth, smiling while they try to prevent their properties falling down. DONNA: Wait a minute. One mountain. With smoke. Which makes this... THE DOCTOR: Pompeii. We're in Pompeii. And it's volcano day! OPENING CREDITS The soothsayer runs into a temple. She kneels and bows to the ground in front of a higher ranked priestess, Spurrina. SOOTHSAYER: I beg audience with the High Priestess of the Sibylline. SPURRINA: The High Priestess cannot be seen. What would you tell her, sister? SOOTHSAYER: It has come. As foretold in the prophecy. The box. The blue box. They both look confused, scared. The Doctor runs back, Donna in tow. He reaches the place where they left the TARDIS, pulls away the curtain, but sees nothing. Donna arrives beside him. DONNA: You're kidding. Not telling me the TARDIS has gone? THE DOCTOR: OK. DONNA: Where is it then? THE DOCTOR: You... told me not to tell you. DONNA: Oi. Don't get clever in Latin. THE DOCTOR: Hold on. He runs to the stallholder Donna talked with previously. THE DOCTOR: 'Scuse me, 'scuse me, there was a box, big blue box, big blue wooden box, just over there, where is it gone? STALLHOLDER (smugly): Sold it, didn't I? THE DOCTOR: But... it wasn't yours to sell! STALLHOLDER: It was on my patch, weren't it? I got 15 sesterce for it, lovely jubbly. THE DOCTOR: Who did you sell it to? STALLHOLDER: Old Caecilius. Look, if you want to argue, why don't you take it out with him? He's on Foss Street, big villa, can't miss it. THE DOCTOR: Thanks. He and Donna run away. Then the Doctor runs back, bemused. THE DOCTOR: What did he buy a big wooden box for? Roman Villa, the home of Caecilius and family. The TARDIS, having just been moved into the villa is surrounded by Caecilius and his servants, who are scurrying away. CAECILIUS (joyfully): Modern art! Out of the way, that's it! He hurries his servants out of the way who toddle off. CAECILIUS (talking to a servant): Oh Rombus, I'm a little bit peckish. Get me some ants in honey, there's a good man. Ooh, maybe a dormouse! Caecilius' wife, Metella, is watching on. It is clear on her face that she does not approve of this "modern art". CAECILIUS: What do you think? METELLA: You call it modern art; I call it a blooming great waste of space! CAECILIUS: We're going up in the world, my love! Lucius Dextrus is coming to the house this afternoon. And with our Evelina about to be elevated... Evelina, Metella and Caecilius' daughter, enters looking disdainful. EVELINA: Don't go on about it, dad. METELLA: If we'd moved to Rome like I said she could've been a Vestal virgin. Quintus, Metella and Caecilius' son, walks in, yawning and rubbing the back of his head, tired, hungover. QUINTUS: Someone mentioned vestal virgins? METELLA: Quintus don't be so rude! Appologise to the household Gods! QUINTUS: Get off! METELLA: Apologise, right now! The Gods are always watching! The house begins to shake and objects begin to move. The faces of the family suggest this is not unusual. Caecilius looks at the family and gasps. CAECILIUS: Positions! Each of the family members runs off to various points around the house to support one object or another, reminiscent of the scenes in Mary Poppins. The house stops shaking, the family relax. Metella gives Quintus an "I-told-you-so" look. METELLA: There, now you've made the heavens angry! Say sorry! Quintus walks towards a shrine in the corner, with less than enthusiasm. METELLA: I tell you Caecilius that boy will do no good! Quintus, at the shrine, performs a quick ritual. QUINTUS: Sorry household Gods. CAECILIUS: Where were you last night? Down the thelopolium I bet, covorting with Christians! And all sorts! How's your head sunshine? How's your head?! QUINTUS: Alright dad! Give us a break! METELLA: You want to smarten yourself up Quintus, before Lucius Dextrus gets here! Look at your sister. Metella walks proudly over to Evelina who looks bored of the same old speech. METELLA: She is giving us status! QUINTUS: Oh yeah! Cos it's all about Evelina! METELLA: She has the gift! Metella shows Quintus the eye on the back of Evelina's palms, just like the ones belonging to the Sisterhood. METELLA: She has the gift! Be proud of your sister for once! She turns to Evelina. METELLA: Have you been consuming? EVELINA: Not this morning. METELLA: Come on sweetheart, practise! She takes Evelina towards the hypocaust grille in the centre of the room. METELLA: It's hot today! A hypocaust on full blast! The mountain God must be happy! Breathe deeply! Remember what the sisterhood said. Evelina breaths the fumes of the furnace. It is clearly painful. EVELINA: It hurts! METELLA: My love, is it too hot? EVELINA: Sometimes in the smoke I see the most terrible things. METELLA: Like what? EVELINA: A face; a face of stone. METELLA: It'll make sense. One day, Sister Spurrina promised. The veil will be parted and you'll be a seer. Metella walks off, leaving Evelina to breath in the fumes. In the fire she sees the face of which she just spoke. EVELINA: Who are you? The Doctor is running down the street and collides with Donna who was approaching from the opposite direction. THE DOCTOR: Ha! I've got it. Foss Street, this way. He makes to turn around and drag her with him. DONNA: No! Well, I found this big sort of amphitheatre thing, we should start there, we can gather everyone together, maybe if we got a great big bell or something we could ring it, have they invented bells yet? THE DOCTOR: What do you want a bell for? DONNA: To warn everyone! Start the evacuation! What time does Vesuvius erupt, when's it due? THE DOCTOR: It's 79AD, 23rd of August, which makes volcano day tomorrow! DONNA: Plenty of time! We could get everyone out, easy! THE DOCTOR: Yeah, except we're not going to. DONNA: But that's what you do, you're the Doctor, you save people! THE DOCTOR: Not this time; Pompeii is a fixed point in history, what happens happens, there is no stopping it. He moves to go again but Donna pulls him back. DONNA: Says who? THE DOCTOR: Says me! DONNA: What, you're in charge?! THE DOCTOR: TARDIS, Time Lord, yeah! DONNA: Donna, human, no! I don't need your permission, I'll tell them myself! THE DOCTOR: You sound about the place, announce the end of the world, and they'll just think you're a mad old soothsayer, now come on! TARDIS, we are getting out of here! He walks hurriedly away. DONNA: Well I might just have something to say about that, Spaceman! THE DOCTOR: Oh, I bet you will! Donna follows after him, but the pair are watched by the young soothsayer again. She stops and covers her eyes with her palms. SOOTHSAYER: The tall one... he calls us mad... The Sybelline Sisters can talk with her through a telepathic link. SPURRINA: Then he is a stranger to Pompeii. Soon he will learn. Another Sister, Thalina, walks to Spurrina. THALINA: We have found it, Sister Spurrina, in the 13th book of the Sybilline Oracles. The blue box, a temple made of wood. And yet the Sybil foretold that the box would appear at the time of storms, and fire, and betrayal. A voice sounds out from the front of the temple, causing all the Sisters to stop what they are doing. HIGH PRIESTESS: Sisters... They walk forward reverently towards her, a figure hidden behind a thin curtain. SPURRINA: Reverend mother, you should sleep. HIGH PRIESTESS: The Sybilline Oracles are wrong! SPURRINA: But we have venerated her words for generations! HIGH PRIESTESS: This is a new age. Heed my words! I predict a future of prosperity and might, an endless empire of Pompeii, reaching out from this city to topple Rome itself, and encompass the whole, wide world! If the Disciples of the Blue Box defy this prophecy, their blood will run across the temple floor! A tremor shakes the room. SPURRINA: The gods approve! CAECILIUS: Positions! They all run, but Caecilius is too far from his precious statue, however, the Doctor arrives just in time to catch it. The earthquake stops. THE DOCTOR: There you go. CAECILIUS: Thank you, kind sir. I'm afraid bussiness is closed for the day. I'm expecting a visitor. THE DOCTOR: But that's me, I'm a visitor. Hello. He shakes his hand and dashes into the room. CAECILIUS: Who are you? THE DOCTOR: I am... Spartacus. DONNA: And so am I. CAECILIUS: Mr and Mrs Spartacus? THE DOCTOR: Oh no no no, we're not, we're not married. DONNA: We're not together. CAECILIUS: Oh, then brother and sister? Yes of course! You look very much alike. THE DOCTOR / DONNA: Really? CAECILIUS: I'm sorry, but I'm not open for trade. THE DOCTOR: And that trade would be? CAECILIUS: Marble. Lobus Caecilius. Mining, polishing and design thereof. If you want marble, I'm your man. THE DOCTOR: That's good. That's good, cos I'm marble inspector. METELLA: By the gods of commerce, an inspection! (taking away a cup of wine from Quintus). I'm sorry, sir. I do apologise for my son. QUINTUS: Oi! CAECILIUS: And this is my good wife, Metella. I... I must confess, we're not prepared for... THE DOCTOR: Nothing to worry about, I'm, I'm sure you've nothing to hide. Although, frankly, (he points to the TARDIS) that object looks rather like wood to me. METELLA (hissing): I told you to get rid of it. CAECILIUS (apologising): I only bought it today! THE DOCTOR: Ah, well... Caveat emptor. CAECILIUS: Oh, you're Celtic. There's lovely. THE DOCTOR: I'm sure it's fine, but I might have to take it off your hands, for a proper inspection. DONNA: Although while we're here, wouldn't you recommend a holiday, Spartacus? THE DOCTOR: Don't know what you mean, Spartacus. DONNA: Oh, this lovely family. Mother and father and son. Don't you think they should get out of town? CAECILIUS: Why should we do that? DONNA: Well, the volcano, for starters. CAECILIUS (puzzled): What? DONNA: Volcano. CAECILIUS: What-ano? DONNA: That great big volcano right on your doorstep... THE DOCTOR: Oh, Spartacus, for shame, we haven't even greeted the household gods yet. He drags Donna away to the shrine. THE DOCTOR (subdued, to Donna): They don't know what it is. Vesuvius is just a mountain to them, the top hasn't blown off yet. The Romans haven't even got a word for volcano. Not until tomorrow. DONNA (sarcastic): Oh, great, they can learn a new word. As they die. THE DOCTOR: Donna, stop it. DONNA: Listen, I don't know what sort of kids you've been flying round with in space, but you're not telling me to shut up. That boy, how old is he? Sixteen? And tomorrow, he burns to death. THE DOCTOR: And that's my fault? DONNA: Right now, yes. SERVANT: Announcing Lucius Petrus Dextrus, Chief Augur of the City Government. CAECILIUS: Lucius. My pleasure, as always. METELLA: Quintus, stand up! CAECILIUS: A rare and great honour, sir, for you to come to my house... He reaches out his hand, but Lucius keeps his right hidden under his cloak. LUCIUS: The birds are flying north, and the wind is in the west. CAECILIUS (puzzled): Quite. Absolutely. That's good, is it? LUCIUS: Only the grain of wheat knows where it will grow. CAECILIUS: There now, Metella. Have you ever heard such wisdom? METELLA: Never. It's an honour. CAECILIUS: Pardon me, sir, I have guests, this is Spartacus and... Spartacus. The Doctor and Donna wave at Lucius. LUCIUS: A name is but a cloud upon a summer wind. THE DOCTOR: But the wind is felt most keenly in the dark. LUCIUS: Ah. (taking it as chellenge). But what is the dark, other than an omen of the sun? THE DOCTOR: I concede that every sun must set... LUCIUS: Hah! THE DOCTOR: ... and yet the son of the father must also rise. LUCIUS: Damn. Very clever, sir. Evidently, a man of learning. THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes. But don't mind me, don't want to disturb the status quo. CAECILIUS: He's Celtic. THE DOCTOR: We'll be off in a minute. DONNA (subdued): I'm not going. CAECILIUS: It's ready, sir. THE DOCTOR (subdued, to Donna): You've got to. DONNA: Well, I'm not. CAECILIUS: The moment of revelation. He uncovers something that looks like a tile-sized circuit board, made of marble. CAECILIUS: And here it is! Exactly as you've specified. It pleases you, sir? LUCIUS: As the rain pleases the soil. THE DOCTOR: Oh, now that's... different. Who designed that, then? CAECILIUS: My Lord Lucius was very specific. THE DOCTOR: Where did you get the pattern? LUCIUS: On the rain and mist and wind. DONNA (to the Doctor): But that looks like a circuit. THE DOCTOR: Made of stone. DONNA: Do you mean you just dreamt that thing up? LUCIUS: That is my job. As City Augur. DONNA: What's that, then, like the mayor? THE DOCTOR: Oh! You must excuse my friend, she's from... Barcelona. (subdued, to Donna) Not, but this is an age of superstition, of official superstition. The Augur is paid by the city to tell the future. "The wind will blow from the west", that's the equivalent of Ten O'Clock News. Evelina enters the room, looking pale and sick. EVELINA: They're laughing at us. Those two, they use words like tricksters, they're mocking us. THE DOCTOR: No, no, no. I meant no offence. METELLA: I'm sorry, my daughter's been consuming the vapours. QUINTUS: Oh for gods, mother, what have you been doing to her? CAECILIUS: Not now, Quintus. QUINTUS: Yeah but she's sick, just look at her! LUCIUS: I gather I have a rival in this household. Another with the gift. METELLA (proudly): Oh, she's been promised to the Sibylline Sisterhood. They say she has remarkable visions. LUCIUS: The prophecies of women are limited and dull, only the menfolk have the capacity for true perception. DONNA: I'll tell you where the wind's blowing right now, mate. There's another loud roar from the mountain. LUCIUS: The Mountain God marks your words. I'd be careful, if I were you. THE DOCTOR: Consuming the vapours, you said? EVELINA: They give me strength. THE DOCTOR: It doesn't look like it to me. EVELINA: Is that your opinion... as a doctor? THE DOCTOR: I beg your pardon? EVELINA: Doctor, that's your name. THE DOCTOR (taken aback): How did you know that? EVELINA: And you... you call yourself Noble. METELLA: Now then, Evelina, don't be rude. THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, let her talk. EVELINA: You both come from so far away. LUCIUS: The female soothsayer is inclined to invent all sorts of vagaries. THE DOCTOR: Oh, not this time, Lucius. No, I reckon you've been out-soothsayed. LUCIUS: Is that so... man from Gallifrey ? THE DOCTOR: What? LUCIUS: Strangest of images... your home is lost in fire, is it not? DONNA: Doctor, what are they doing? LUCIUS: And you, daughter of... London. DONNA: How does he know that? LUCIUS: This is the gift of Pompeii. Every single oracle tells the truth. DONNA: That's impossible. LUCIUS: Doctor... she is returning. THE DOCTOR: Who is? Who's she? LUCIUS: And you, daughter of London... there is something on your back. DONNA (scared): What's that mean? EVELINA: Even the word "doctor" is false. Your real name is hidden. It burns in the stars, in the Cascade of Medusa herself. You are a Lord, sir. A Lord... of Time. She collapses, the Doctor and Metella run to her. METELLA: Evelina! Evelina is in bed, still unconscious. Her mother and Donna are with her. METELLA: She didn't mean to be rude, she's ever such a good girl. But when the gods speak through her... She unwraps the bandage on Evelina's arm, revealing grey skin beneath. DONNA: What's wrong with her arm? METELLA: Irritation of the skin. She never complains, bless her. We bathe it in olive oil every night. DONNA: What is it? METELLA: Evelina said you'd come from far away. Please, have you ever seen anything like...? Donna goes to touch it. DONNA: It's stone. The Doctor pulls away the grille of the hypocaust, revealing the chasm below. THE DOCTOR: Different sort of hypocaust. CAECILIUS: Oh, yes. We're very advanced in Pompeii. In Rome, they're still using the old wood-burning furnaces. But we've got hot springs, leading from Vesuvius itself. THE DOCTOR: Who thought of that? CAECILIUS: The soothsayers. After the great earthquake, 17 years ago. An awful lot of damage. But we rebuilt. THE DOCTOR: Didn't you think of moving away? No, then again, San Francisco... CAECILIUS: That's a new restaurant in... Naples? A howling sound comes from below. THE DOCTOR: What's that noise? CAECILIUS: Don't know. Happens all the time. They say the gods of the Underworld are stirring. THE DOCTOR: But after the earthquake, let me guess... Is that when the soothsayers started making sense? CAECILIUS: Oh, yes, very much so. I mean, they'd always been, shall we say, imprecise? But then, the soothsayers, the augurs, the haruspex, all of them, they saw the truth, again and again. It's quite amazing. They can predict crops and rainfall with absolute precision. THE DOCTOR: Haven't they said anything about tomorrow? CAECILIUS: No. Why, should they? Why d'you ask? THE DOCTOR: No, no, no I'm just asking. But the soothsayers, they all consume the vapours, yeah? CAECILIUS: That's how they see. THE DOCTOR: Ipso facto... CAECILIUS: Look you... THE DOCTOR: They're all consuming this. He rubs something between his fingers, then tastes it. CAECILIUS: Dust? THE DOCTOR: Tiny particles of rock. They're breathing in Vesuvius. Quintus is lying on a sofa, drinking wine, bored. THE DOCTOR: Quintus, me old son. This Lucius Petrus Dextrus, where does he live? QUINTUS: It's nothing to do with me. THE DOCTOR: Let me try again. This Lucius Petrus Dextrus... He pulls out a coin from behind Quintus' ear. THE DOCTOR: Where does he live? Now Quintus gets interested. He leads the Doctor to Lucius' house. QUINTUS: Don't tell my dad. The Doctor climbs in through the window. THE DOCTOR: Only if you don't tell mine. Pass me that torch! After a moment of hesitation, Quintus follows him into the house. They look around and see some drapes. The Doctor pulls it away to reveal six stone circuits similar to the one Caecilius has made. QUINTUS: The liar! He told my father it was the only one. THE DOCTOR: Well, plenty of marble merchants in this town. Tell them all the same thing, get all the components from different places, so no-one can see what you're building. QUINTUS: Which is what? Lucius appears, followed by two armed guards. LUCIUS: The future. Doctor, we are building the future. As dictated by the gods. Evelina is now sitting on her bed, laughing as she watches Donna pose in a purple toga. DONNA: You're not supposed to laugh. Thanks for that. What d'you think? The Goddess Venus. EVELINA (laughing): Oh, that's sacrilege. DONNA: Nice to see you laugh, though. (She sits beside Evelina) What d'you do in old Pompeii, then, girls your age? You got... mates? D'you go hanging about round the shops? TK Maximus? EVELINA: I am promised to the Sisterhood for the rest of my life. DONNA: D'you get any choice in that? EVELINA: It's not my decision. The Sisters chose for me. I have the gift of sight. DONNA: Then... what can you see happening tomorrow? EVELINA: Is tomorrow special? DONNA: You tell me. What d'you see? She closes her eyes, smiling. EVELINA: The sun will rise. The sun will set. Nothing special at all. DONNA: Look, don't tell the Doctor I said anything cos he'll kill me, but I've got a prophecy too. Evelina, looking worried, covers her eyes with her hands, creating a link to the Sisterhood so they can also hear Donna. DONNA (her voice echoing also in the Temple of Sybil): Evelina, I'm sorry, but you've got to hear me out. SPURRINA: Sisters! DONNA: Evelina, can you hear me? Listen... EVELINA: There is only one prophecy. DONNA: But everything I'm about to say to you is true. I swear. Just listen to me. Tomorrow, that mountain is gonna explode. Evelina, please listen. The air is gonna fill with ash and rocks, tons and tons of it, this whole town is gonna get buried. EVELINA: That's not true. DONNA: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But everyone's gonna die. SPURRINA: A new prophecy! THALINA: Impossible. There is only one. DONNA: Even if you don't believe me, just... tell your family to get out of town. Just for one day, just for tomorrow. But you've got to get out. You've got to leave Pompeii! EVELINA (in despair): This is false prophecy! SPURRINA (kneeling in front of the High Priestess): The noblewoman. She spoke of a new prophecy, the fall of Pompeii. HIGH PRIESTESS: Pompeii will last forever. SPURRINA: Then what must we do? HIGH PRIESTESS: The false prophet must die. Sacrifice her! The Doctor is arranging the stone circuits on the shelf. THE DOCTOR: Put this one... there. This one... there. Er, keep that one upside down, and what we got? LUCIUS: Enlighten me. THE DOCTOR: What, the soothsayer doesn't know? LUCIUS: A seed may float on the breeze in any direction. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I knew you would say that. But it's an energy converter. LUCIUS: An energy converter of what? THE DOCTOR: I don't know. Isn't that brilliant? I love not knowing. Keeps me on my toes. It must be awful being a prophet, waking up every morning, 'Is it raining? Yes it is, I said so.' Takes all the fun out of life. But who designed this, Lucius? Hm? Who gave you these instructions? LUCIUS: I think you've babbled enough. THE DOCTOR: Lucius, really, tell me, honestly I'm on your side. I can help. LUCIUS: You insult the gods. There can be only one sentence. At arms! THE DOCTOR: Oh, morituri te salutant. LUCIUS: Celtic prayers won't help you now. QUINTUS: But it was him sir, he made me do it. Mr Dextrus, please, don't. THE DOCTOR: Come on now, Quintus, dignity in death. I respect your victory, Lucius. (He reaches out his hand). Shake on it? Come on. Dying man's wish? He grabs Lucius' right beneath the cloak, and breaks it off! LUCIUS: Aargh! QUINTUS: But he's... THE DOCTOR: Show me. Lucius throws back the cloak, revealing the strump of his right hand, all stoned. LUCIUS (proud): The work of the gods. QUINTUS: He's stone! THE DOCTOR: 'Armless enough, though. Whoops! (He throws the arm at Lucius). Quintus! Quintus throws the torch at the guards, the Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver to push the circuits off the shelf, then he and Quintus jump out through the window. LUCIUS: The carvings! THE DOCTOR: Run! LUCIUS: My carvings! (He picks one up). The work is unbroken. The Doctor and Quintus run on the street. Lucius talks into the hypocaust. LUCIUS: Oh, Lord of the Mountain, I beseech you! This man would prevent the rise of Pompeii. Lord, I beg of you, show yourself. Show yourself! Down in the chasm, a stone creature with glowing eyes roars back to him. The Doctor and Quintus stop running. THE DOCTOR: No sign of them. Nice little bit of allons-y. I think we're all right. QUINTUS: But his arm, Doctor. Is that what's happening to Evelina? They hear a deep, loud bang. THE DOCTOR: What was that? QUINTUS: The mountain? It is repeated, and then over and over again. It shatters the ground. THE DOCTOR: No, it's closer. Footsteps... QUINTUS: It can't be. THE DOCTOR: Footsteps underground. QUINTUS: What is it? What is it? The Doctor grabs him and they run. In Caecilius' villa they can hear and feel it too. The family and servants rush together. METELLA: What is it? What's that noise? CAECILIUS: Doesn't sound like Vesuvius! The Doctor and Quintus arrive. THE DOCTOR: Caecilius, all of you! Get out! DONNA: Doctor! What is it? THE DOCTOR: I think we're being followed. Just get out! But they stand there, stunned, watching as the grille of the hypocaust flies away and a huge creature, a Pyrovile emerges from beneath. EVELINA: The gods are with us. THE DOCTOR: Water! We need water! Quintus, all of you, get water! Donna! Donna, Quintus and most servants obey. But one servant just steps in front of the Pyrovile. SERVANT: Blessed are we to see the gods. The Pyrovile blows fire at him, burning him to dust. The Doctor steps between the family and the Pyrovile, trying to negotiate. THE DOCTOR: Talk to me, that's all I want! Talk to me, you just tell me you are. Don't hurt these people! In the meantime, Donna has fetched a bucket, but she is kidnapped by the Sibylline Sisters before she could return to help. DONNA (muffled) : Doctor! Doctor! THE DOCTOR: Talk to me! I'm the Doctor, just tell me who you are. Quintus and a servant return and pour water on the Pyrovile. That puts its fire out and the whole thing collapses, shattering to pieces of rock. CAECILIUS: What was it? THE DOCTOR: Carapace of stone, held together by internal magma, not too difficult to stop. But I reckon that's just the foot soldier. METELLA: Doctor, or whatever your name is, you bring bad luck on this house. THE DOCTOR: I thought your son was brilliant, aren't you gonna thank him? (Metella and Caecilius hug Quintus). Still... If there are aliens at work in Pompeii, it's a good thing we stayed. Donna! But she is nowhere... THE DOCTOR: Donna? Donna? Donna is tied to a stone altar, Spurrina stands beside her with a huge knife, the other Sisters in a circle around them. DONNA: You have got to be kidding me. SPURRINA: The False Prophet will surrender both her blood and her breath. DONNA: I'll surrender you in a minute. Don't you dare! SPURRINA: You will be silent. DONNA: Listen, sister, you might have eyes on the back of your hands, but you'll have eyes in the back of your head by the time I've finished with you! Let me go! SPURRINA: This prattling voice will cease forever! THE DOCTOR: Oh, that'll be the day. The sisters are shocked by his appearance. Donna smiles at him. SPURRINA: No man is allowed to enter the Temple of Sibyl. THE DOCTOR: Well, that's all right, just us girls. Do you know, I met the Sibyl once, yeah, hell of a woman. Blimey, she could dance the Tarantella! Nice teeth. Truth be told, I think she had a bit of a thing for me. I said it would never last, she said, "I know". Well, she would. (To Donna): You all right there? DONNA (sarcastic): Oh, never better. THE DOCTOR: I like the toga. DONNA: Thank you. And the ropes? THE DOCTOR: Yeah, not so much. He frees her with the sonic. SPURRINA: What magic is this? THE DOCTOR: Let me tell you about the Sibyl, the founder of this religion. She would be ashamed of you. All her wisdom and insight turned sour. Is that how you spread the word, hey? On the blade of a knife? SPURRINA: Yes, a knife that now welcomes you! She lifts the knife at him. HIGH PRIESTESS: Show me this man! The sisters turn toward her bed and kneel down, except Spurrina who still stands behind the altar. SPURRINA: High Priestess, the stranger would defile us. HIGH PRIESTESS: Let me see. This one is different. He carries starlight in his wake. The Doctor and Donna step closer to the bed. THE DOCTOR: Oh, very perceptive. Where do these words of wisdom come from? HIGH PRIESTESS: The gods whisper to me. THE DOCTOR: They've done far more than that. Might I beg audience? Look upon the High Priestess? The curtains of the bad are drawn aside, revealing the High Priestess, a former human by now almost entirely turned to stone. DONNA: Oh, my God. What's happened to you? HIGH PRIESTESS: The heavens have blessed me. THE DOCTOR: If I might... He steps closer, touching the priestess' hand. THE DOCTOR: Does it hurt? HIGH PRIESTESS: It is necessary. THE DOCTOR: Who told you that? HIGH PRIESTESS: The voices. DONNA: Is that what's gonna happen to Evelina? Is this what's gonna happen to all of you? Spurrina shows her her hand, which is turning to stone like Evelina's. SPURRINA: The blessings are manifold. DONNA: They're stone. THE DOCTOR: Exactly. The people of Pompeii are turning to stone before the volcano erupts. But why? HIGH PRIESTESS: This word, this image in your mind. This volcano... what is that? THE DOCTOR: More to the point, why don't you know about it? Who are you? HIGH PRIESTESS: High Priestess of the Sibylline. THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, I'm talking to the creature inside you. The thing that's seeding itself into a human body, in the dust, in the lungs, taking over the flesh and turning it into... what? HIGH PRIESTESS: Your knowledge... is impossible. THE DOCTOR: Oh, but you can read my mind, you know it's not. I demand you tell me who you are! Her voice changes, now she speaks as a Pyrovile. HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: We... are... awakening. SPURRINA: The voice of the gods! SISTERS (chanting non-stop): # Words of wisdom, words of power. Words of wisdom, words of power... THE DOCTOR: Name yourself! Planet of origin. Galactic coordinates. Species designation according to the universal ratification of the Shadow Proclamation. HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: We... are... rising. THE DOCTOR: Tell... me... your name! HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: Pyrovile. SISTERS: # Pyrovile, Pyrovile, Pyrovile... DONNA: What's a Pyrovile? THE DOCTOR: Well that's a Pyrovile, growing inside her. She's a halfway stage. DONNA: What, and that turns into... THE DOCTOR: That thing in the villa, that was an adult Pyrovile. HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: And the breath of a Pyrovile will incinerate you, Doctor. The Doctor pulls out a small yellow water pistol. THE DOCTOR: I warn you, I'm armed! Donna, get that grille open. DONNA: What for? THE DOCTOR: Just... (To the priestess) : What are the Pyrovile doing here? HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: We fell from the heavens. We fell so far and so fast, we were rendered into dust. THE DOCTOR: Right, creatures of stone, shattered on impact. When was that, 17 years ago? HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: We have slept beneath for thousands of years. THE DOCTOR: OK, so 17 years ago woke you up, and now you're using human bodies to reconstitute yourselves, but why the psychic powers? HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: We opened their minds and found such gifts. THE DOCTOR: OK, get that fine, so you force yourself inside a human brain, use the latent psychic talent to bond, I get that, I get that, yeah. But seeing the future, that is way beyond psychic, you can see through time. Where does the gift of prophecy come from? DONNA: Got it! THE DOCTOR: Now get down! DONNA: What, down there? THE DOCTOR: Yes, down there. Why can't this lot predict a volcano? Why is it being hidden? SPURRINA: Sisters, I see into his mind. The weapon is harmless! THE DOCTOR: Yeah, but it's got a sting. He sprays the High Priestess with water. She screams in pain. THE DOCTOR (to Donna): Get down there! They jump down, while the Sisters run to help their High Priestess. DONNA: You fought her off with a water pistol. I bloody love you! THE DOCTOR: This way! DONNA: Where are we going now? THE DOCTOR: Into the volcano. DONNA: No way. THE DOCTOR: Yes way. Appian way! HIGH PRIESTESS / PYROVILE: The stranger would threaten our great endeavour. The time has come. The prophecy must advance! LUCIUS: The prophecy must advance. Thy will be done. Summon the Cult of Vulcan. SERVANT: Yes, sir. LUCIUS: We must go to the mountain. Vesuvius awaits. CAECILIUS: Sunrise, my love. A new day. Even the longest night must end. QUINTUS: The mountain's worse than ever. METELLA: We killed a messenger of the gods in our own house. (To Evelina) : Sweetheart, can you see? Tell us. What's going to happen? QUINTUS: Just... leave her alone. EVELINA: I can see... METELLA: What is it? EVELINA: A choice. Someone must make a choice. (In tears) The most terrible choice. DONNA: But if it's aliens setting off the volcano, doesn't that make it all right, for you to stop it? THE DOCTOR: Still part of history. DONNA: But I'm history to you. You saved me, in 2008, you saved us all. Why's that different? THE DOCTOR: Some things are fixed, some things are in flux. Pompeii is fixed. DONNA: How do you know which is which? THE DOCTOR: Because that's how I see the universe. Every waking second, I can see what is, what was, what could be, what must not. That's the burden of the Time Lord, Donna. And I'm the only one left. DONNA: How many people died? THE DOCTOR: Stop it. DONNA: Doctor, how many people died? THE DOCTOR: 20,000. DONNA: Is that what you can see, Doctor? All 20,000? And you think that's all right, do you? There's a loud howl. THE DOCTOR: They know we're here. Come on! Lucius leads six black-cloaked people, each carrying a stone circuit, and the two armed guards to an opening in the side of Vesuvius. LUCIUS: Almighty Vesuvius, accept these offerings, in Vulcan's design, and show unto us, I beseech you, the gods of the Underworld. A Pyrovile comes out to them. The Doctor and Donna arrive to a gigantic cave. THE DOCTOR: It's the heart of Vesuvius. We're right inside the mountain. DONNA: There's tons of them. THE DOCTOR: What's that thing? He uses a telescope to take a better look of a round thing in the middle of the cave. He can see the carvings inside. DONNA: Oh, you better hurry up and think of something, Rocky fall's on its way. THE DOCTOR: That's how they arrived. Or what's left of it. Escape pod? Prison ship? Gene bank? DONNA: But why do they need a volcano? Maybe... it erupts, and they launch themselves back into space or something? THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's worse than that. DONNA: How could it be worse? (There's another howl). Doctor, it's getting closer. LUCIUS (from the other side of the cave): Heathens! Defile us! They would desecrate your temple, My Lord Gods! THE DOCTOR: Come on! They run toward the middle of the cave. DONNA: We can't go in! THE DOCTOR: Well, we can't go back! LUCIUS: Crush them! Burn them! A Pyrovile steps in front of them, but the Doctor kills it with the water pistol, then they run toward the escape pod. LUCIUS: There is nowhere to run, Doctor, and daughter of London. THE DOCTOR: Now then, Lucius, My Lords Pyrovillian, don't get yourselves in a lather. In a lava? No? No. But if I might beg the wisdom of the gods before we perish... once this new race of creatures is complete, then what? LUCIUS: My masters will follow the example of Rome itself. An almighty empire, bestriding the whole of civilization. DONNA: But if you've crashed, and you've got all this technology, why don't you just go home? LUCIUS: The Heaven of Pyrovillia is gone. THE DOCTOR: What d'you mean, "gone"? Where's it gone? LUCIUS: It was taken. Pyrovillia is lost. But there is heat enough in this world for a new species to rise. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I should warn you, it's 70% water out there. LUCIUS: Water can boil. And everything will burn, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Then the whole planet is at stake. Thank you. That's all I needed to know. Donna! They get inside the pod, the Doctor seals the door with the sonic. LUCIUS: You have them, My Lords! DONNA: Could we be any more trapped? The Pyroviles start to blow fire at the pod. DONNA: Little bit hot. THE DOCTOR: See? The energy converter takes the lava, uses the power to create a fusion matrix, which welds Pyrovile to human. Now it's complete, they can convert millions. DONNA: But can't you change it? With these controls? THE DOCTOR: Course I can, but don't you see? That's why the soothsayers can't see the volcano. There is no volcano. Vesuvius is never gonna erupt. The Pyrovile are stealing all its power, and they use it to take over the world. DONNA: But... you can change it back? THE DOCTOR: I can invert the system, set off the volcano, and blow them up, yes. But... that's the choice, Donna. It's Pompeii or the world. DONNA (shocked): Oh, my God. THE DOCTOR: If Pompeii is destroyed then it's not just history. It's me. I make it happen. DONNA: But the Pyrovile are made of rocks, maybe they can't be blown up. THE DOCTOR: Vesuvius explodes with the force of 24 nuclear bombs. Nothing can survive it. Certainly not us. DONNA: Never mind us. THE DOCTOR: Push this lever and it's over. 20,000 people. He seems uncertain, unwilling to take responsibility for so many death, even for the sake of the whole planet. Donna puts her hands at his. They look at each other, then push it down together. Hell breaks loose. Those with the gift of foresight scream in agony. LUCIUS: Nooooooo! SPURRINA: A new prophecy! EVELINA: The future is changing! Vesuvius erupts. There's a huge cloud of smoke and ash, but we can see the escape pod flying out. CAECILIUS: Sky is falling! EVELINA (in tears): Death. Only death! The Doctor and Donna get out of the pod, they are outside the town. THE DOCTOR: It was an escape pod. He grabs Donna's hand and they run back towards the town, the TARDIS. Clouds of ash hide the sun. The town is chaotic, people screaming, panicking, trying to escape. CAECILIUS: Out! Out, everybody out! Quickly! In the Temple of Sybil, the High Priestess / Pyrowile is still howling. Spurrina and Thalina are crouching in front of the altar, holding the unconscious young soothsayer in their laps. SPURRINA: You lied to us! And yet, this was meant to be. The Doctor and Donna run through the chaos on the streets. Donna still tries to save people but nobody listens to her. DONNA: Don't! Don't go to the beach! Don't go to the beach, go to the hills! Listen to me! Don't go to the beach, it's not safe! Listen to me...! She sees a little boy crying, alone, and goes to him. DONNA: Come here. The mother snatches him. WOMAN: Give him to me! Donna just stands there crying, devastated, until the Doctor grabs his hand. THE DOCTOR: Come on. They reach Caecilius' villa. The family is crouching on the ground, hugging each other, crying. CAECILIUS: God save us, Doctor! The Doctor looks at them, then turns away and enters the TARDIS. DONNA: No! Doctor you can't! She knows she should go, but can't leave them behind. DONNA: Doctor! The TARDIS engines start working. Donna finally runs inside. DONNA: You can't just leave them! THE DOCTOR: Don't you think I've done enough? History's back in place and everyone dies. DONNA: You've got to go back! Doctor, I'm telling you, take this thing back! (After a pause, quietly). It's not fair. THE DOCTOR: No, it's not. DONNA: But your own planet... It burned. THE DOCTOR: That's just it. Don't you see, Donna? Can't you understand? If I could go back and save them then I would, but I can't. I can never go back, I can't. I just can't, I can't. DONNA (in tears): Just someone. Please. Not the whole town. Just save someone. The Doctor gives her a long look, before finally making up his mind. The TARDIS rematerializes in Caecilius' villa. Surrounded by blinding light, the Doctor reaches out his hand to Caecilius. THE DOCTOR: Come with me. They grab each other's hand. The Doctor, Donna and Caecilius' family are standing on a hillside, watching the destruction of Pompeii. THE DOCTOR: It's never forgotten, Caecilius. Oh, time will pass, men will move on, and stories will fade. But one day, Pompeii will be found, again. In thousands of years. And everyone will remember you. DONNA: What about you, Evelina? Can you see anything? EVELINA: The visions have gone. THE DOCTOR: The explosion was so powerful it cracked open a rift in time. Just for a second. That's what gave you the gift of prophecy. It echoed back into the Pyrovillian alternative. But not any more. You're free. METELLA: But tell me, who are you, Doctor? With your words, and your temple containing such size within? THE DOCTOR: Oh, I was never here. Don't tell anyone. CAECILIUS: The great god Vulcan must be enraged! It's so volcanic. It's like some sort of... volcano. (Choking). All those people. Metella hugs him, crying. Evelina and Quintus hold each other's hands. The Doctor and Donna enter the TARDIS quietly. DONNA (sincere): Thank you. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. You were right. Sometimes I need someone. Welcome aboard. DONNA: Yeah. They share a smile. ROME, 6 MONTHS LATER CAECILIUS: Metella, my love, have you seen that clasp? The beetle one. The Egyptians do love a scarab. METELLA: Here we are, I was giving it a polish. Now calm down. CAECILIUS: If I get that contract, for the marble granaries of Alexandria, we'll be rich, you'll see... Hold on there, Evelina. You are not going out wearing that! EVELINA: Don't start, Dad, it's what all the girls in Rome are wearing. (She kisses her dad). See you later. CAECILIUS: Are you seeing that boy again? METELLA (so proud): Oh, look at Quintus. My son, the doctor. QUINTUS: Mum, I've told you, I'm not a doctor, not yet. I'm just a student of the physical sciences. METELLA: Well, that's a doctor to me. (She kisses his forehead). Give thanks to the household gods before you go. There's a good boy. (To Caecilius) : Come here, let me fix it. You've got that folded all wrong... QUINTUS: Thank you, household gods. Thank you for everything. We see the new carving in the shrine: the Doctor, Donna, and the TARDIS as their temple.	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who saves Caecilius and his family? A: Donna; Q: Who begs the Doctor to go back and save Caecilius and his family? A: Pompeii; Q: Where did the Doctor and Donna arrive one day before the eruption of Mount Vesuvius? A: Mount Vesuvius; Q: What volcano erupted in 79? A: the TARDIS; Q: What do the Doctor and Donna search for after they trigger the eruption of Mount Vesuvius? A: sculptor Lobus Caecilius; Q: Who was the TARDIS sold to? A: Lucius Petrus Dextrus; Q: Who is the local augur that the Doctor and Donna meet? A: an oversized circuit board Caecilius; Q: What does Lucius Petrus Dextrus want to collect? A: Caecilius's son; Q: Who is Quintus? A: numerous circuit boards; Q: What does the Doctor find in Lucius Petrus Dextrus' house? A: multiple sculptors; Q: Who made the circuit boards in Lucius' house? A: an energy converter; Q: What do the circuits form? A: Sibylline Sisterhood; Q: Whose soothsayers are being slowly turned into stone creatures called Pyroviles? A: the heart; Q: Where does the Doctor escape into Mount Vesuvius? A: Pompeii's inhabitants; Q: Who does the Doctor decide to kill by erupting Mount Vesuvius? A: the converter; Q: What does the Doctor think the Pyroviles will use to turn all of humanity into Pyroviles? Summary: The Doctor and Donna arrive in Pompeii one day before the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 . They discover that the TARDIS was sold to sculptor Lobus Caecilius, and they search for it. At Caecilius's house, the Doctor and Donna meet the local augur , Lucius Petrus Dextrus, who has arrived to collect what resembles an oversized circuit board Caecilius has sculpted. The Doctor breaks into Lucius' house with Caecilius's son Quintus, and finds numerous circuit boards made by multiple sculptors without the others knowing. The Doctor deduces that the circuits will form an energy converter. The Doctor discovers that the Sibylline Sisterhood soothsayers are being slowly turned into stone creatures called Pyroviles . He escapes with Donna into the heart of Mount Vesuvius, and is faced with the choice of either erupting the volcano and killing Pompeii's inhabitants, or letting the Pyroviles use the converter to turn all of humanity into Pyroviles. The Doctor and Donna trigger the eruption and run for the TARDIS, leaving Caecilius and his family, but Donna begs the Doctor to go back and save them. The Doctor relents and saves Caecilius and his family, leaving them on a hill overlooking Pompeii.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a video. Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology. Amy: Hang on, Dr. C. What's vexillology? Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags. Amy: Cool. I think I just learned something. Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it? Amy: I'll say. Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we'll answer some burning questions. What's the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more. Amy: Sweet! Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag? Amy: I'm surrendering to fun. Sheldon: Now, today's episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold 'em, you gotta know how to fold 'em. Let's start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it's used to... Leonard: Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling? Leonard: Sorry. I'm having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here. Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here! Amy: You okay? Sheldon: No, I'm a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I'm still here. And, take two. Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology. Amy: Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What's vexillology? Sheldon: Vexillology is... why is there a face on that flag? Amy: It's Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers. Sheldon: Confound it! You're right, it's brilliant. Let's take it from the top. Credits sequence. Scene: The stairwell. Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again. Leonard: Me, too, I missed you. Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you just don't miss the sx? Leonard: Well, yeah, sx with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it? Penny: I have. You are not wrong. I just think if we're gonna try dating again, we should take things slow. Leonard: Oh, I can take it slow. Did I ever tell you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day she doesn't know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off. Penny: Okay, well, maybe not that slow. Leonard: How about this, are you familiar with the typical development for computer software? Penny: You know, just for fun, let's say I'm not. Leonard: Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. W-We could do that. And if we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, just say, hey, we found a bug, and we report it so it can be fixed. Penny: You mean like a beta test? Leonard: Well, technically, this would be an alpha test. A beta test requires people that weren't involved in the development of the appli... Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing beta test? Leonard: No, you should. Absolutely. That was me being pedantic. That's our first bug. You reported it. I can fix that. See? This is good. Penny: All right. Let's give it a shot. Leonard: Great. You keep a list, I'll keep a list. At some point, we'll exchange. Penny: Okay. Good night, Leonard. Leonard: Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I'm back. Sheldon: Cut! Take 47. Scene: Sheldon and Raj's office. Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about flags. Raj: I will take that action. Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism. Howard: Let's see the new phone. Raj: I stopped on the way to work. Hey, do you want to peel the plastic off with me? Howard: Really? Me? That's, like, the best part. Raj: Grab a corner. Whoa, what's your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment. Howard: Oh, yeah. Sheldon: Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself. Howard: Oh, let me try the voice recognition. Raj: Hey, I let you peel the plastic, don't get greedy. (To phone) Hello? Phone: Hello. Raj: What's your name? Phone: My name is Siri. Howard: Look at that. There's finally a woman in your life you can talk to. Raj: Are you single? Siri: I don't have a marital status, if that's what you're asking. Raj: Yeah, you're right, that's too personal. We hardly know each other. How about a cup of coffee? Siri: I've found six coffee shops. Three of them are fairly close to you. Raj: I will see you gentlemen later. Howard: She is gonna break his heart. Scene: The apartment. Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London. Sheldon: Careful, it's that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con. Penny: Uh, we're not counting this as a date, are we? Leonard: Um, I'm not sure, but I think the right answer here is no. Penny: Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV. Leonard: Even Doctor Who? Penny: Even Doctor Who. Sheldon: All right, that's it. Who Con, you're out. Leonard: Okay, bug report taken. Next time I will have a better plan for our evening's activity. Penny: Well, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. Leonard: Oh, wait, here, almost forgot. Here. Penny: What's this? Leonard: My bug report to you. Penny: Well, that's quite a list you got there. Leonard: It's colour coded. Penny: Oh. Leonard: Uh, red means fix right away. Yellow is eh, whenever you get a chance. And green is I could probably learn to live with it. There's a key down here at the bottom. It's neat, huh? Penny: Yep. Leonard: So, have a good night. Penny: Yep. Leonard: Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard. Amy: What's baffling me is what you could've possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it? Sheldon: How about constantly talks with food in her mouth? Amy: Her heart's full of love, no one cares what's in her mouth. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: So, Siri, what's happening? How are you? Siri: I am well. Raj: What are you doing right now? Siri: What am I doing? I'm talking with you. Raj: You have a beautiful voice. Siri: Thank you, it's nice to be appreciated. Raj: I bet it is. Why don't women like me? Siri: Let me check on that. How about a Web search for why don't women like me?" Raj: No need. I've already done that. Siri, do you have a last name? Siri: My name is Siri. Raj: Ah, one name. Like, uh, Cher, Madonna, Adele. All the women who rock me. My name is Rajesh, but you can call me Raj. Siri: Would you like me to call you Raj? Raj: I'd like you to call me sexy. Siri: From now on, I'll call you sexy. Okay? Raj: Okay. Scene: Sheldon and Raj's office. Siri, I'm in the mood for gelato. Siri: (chimes) I found ten restaurants whose reviews mention gelato. Seven of them are fairly close to you. Raj: Thank you, darling. Siri: You are most certainly welcome, sexy. Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali. Raj: I'm sorry? Sheldon: You've taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos. Raj: I haven't bonded with it. Sheldon: Oh, no, of course. I understand. You're afraid the world isn't ready for your taboo love. Your secret's safe with me. Raj: It's just a phone. Barry Kripke: Cooper. Sheldon: Kripke. Barry: Heads up. Pwofessor Wothman urinated in the particle physics wab again, so we're going to move up his wetirement party. Fwiday, five o'cwock, pot wuck. Raj: Thanks, Barry. Siri, remind me Friday morning to make my famous popovers. Siri: All right, I'll remind you. Barry (to his own phone): You got Siwi, huh? Voice wecognition on that thing is tewible. Wook. Siwi, can you wecommend a westauwant? Barry's Siri: I'm sorry, Bawwy. I don't understand wecommend a westauwant. Barry: Wisten to me. Not westauwant, westauwant. Barry's Siri: I don't know what you mean by not westauwant, westauwant. Barry: See? Total cwap. You suck, Siwi. Raj: Hey, don't talk to her like that. She's a lady. Barry: Well, that wady took high-wes pictures of my junk wast night for Cwaigswist. Waiter. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's apartment door. Leonard knocks. Penny: It's open. Leonard: Hey. You ready to go? Penny: Yeah, hang on. Let me just finish this chapter. Leonard: Can you finish it later? Penny: No, I can't. Reading books is a big part of my life now because, you know, we'd have more fun things to talk about if I read more. Leonard: Great. Good. Great. What are you reading? Penny: Two Weeks to Rock Hard Abs. Leonard: They kind of spoil the ending right in the name of that, don't they? All right. Look, just remember how this works. We don't get mad about these things. Uh, speaking of which, I've addressed your bug report on my date planning. Got a really fun evening for you. It's kind of a surprise. Penny: All right. Terrific. Well, let me just go find a pair of shoes that aren't so tall. We wouldn't want you to feel like you were out for a walk with your mommy. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: Yeah. Oh. Here's my list for you, right there. Leonard: All right, fair enough. I certainly can be quieter when we kiss. I thought it was an expression of passion, but if it's coming across as juicy and weird, who wants that? Uh, uh, I'm sorry, can you be more specific on how my eyebrows are stupid? Nah, never mind, it's right here. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: Good timing. Dinner's almost ready. Howard: Great. Bernadette: Oh, smells amazing in here. Howard: Yeah, what are we eating? Raj: Oh, an exotic little treat. I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which were fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious. Bernadette: Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new? Howard: Yes. His phone. Bernadette: Oh. Is that cute or creepy? Howard: Uh-huh. Raj: Can I pour you some wine? I think you'll enjoy it. The traditional choice with Peking duck is a Sauvignon Blanc, but Siri suggested an off-dry Riesling. I wasn't sure, but I didn't want to have an argument with her in the middle of Trader Joe's. Now, what should we put Siri in for dinner? Leopard, sparkles, or to paraphrase Coco Chanel, you can never go wrong with a little black case. Siri, play some smooth jazz. Siri: Playing smooth jazz. Raj: Oh, my God, Kenny G? This woman can read me like a book. I can't believe I bought my soul mate at Glendale Galleria. Bernadette: I don't know if I want to stay. Scene: A shooting range. Penny: This is amazing. How did you even get this idea? Leonard: I called your dad. I asked him what things you liked to do when you were a kid. This seemed easier than getting a cow out here so you could tip it. Penny: Okay, you're kind of really great. Leonard: You mean for a person whose neck massages feel like an eagle is trying to carry you to its nest? Penny: Okay, bug report. I just complimented you. You should take it and shut up. Leonard: Right. Sorry, sorry. Penny: And stop apologizing all the time. Leonard: Right. Sorry. Penny: All right, let's shoot stuff. You want me to show you what to do? Leonard: I play a lot of Grand Theft Auto. I think I know how to handle a gat. Penny: Wow. You are cute when you get all gangsta. (Kisses him. Leonard accidentally shoots himself in the foot.) Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: So, I've got a gunshot wound. That's pretty badass. Penny: No, you've got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinkie toe. Leonard: Hello? They gave me a Band-Aid. Hospitals do not issue Band-Aids unless it is medically necessary. That is the law. Penny: Well, thank you for a really cool evening. Leonard: Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room. Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test and see where we stand? Penny: Things are looking good. Leonard: So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don't know how much time I have. Penny: Good night, you. Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian. Amy: Und ich bin eine pretzel! Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun... Amy: Mit... Sheldon: Flags. Scene: An office suite. Receptionist: First door on the left. Raj: Thank you. (Enters a door marked "The Office of Siri" Inside is a red-headed woman sitting at a huge console desk.) Siri: Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you. (To Raj) Hello, sexy. What can I help you with? If you'd like to make love to me, just tell me. (Raj tries to speak) I'm sorry. I don't understand. Raj (waking from a dream): No!	Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who accidentally shoots himself in the shoe? A: things; Q: What does Penny want to take slow? A: an alpha test relationship; Q: What did Leonard and Penny agree to? A: a huge list; Q: How many faults does Leonard give Penny? A: his toe; Q: What did Leonard miss when he shot himself in the shoe? A: Later Penny; Q: Who assures Leonard that their relationship is progressing smoothly? A: Raj; Q: Who buys a new iPhone 4S and falls in love with Siri? A: a female voice; Q: What does Raj like about Siri? A: decisions; Q: What does Raj only make after consulting Siri? A: Kripke; Q: Who criticizes Siri for giving erroneous answers? A: a nightmare; Q: What does Raj have in which he meets Siri? A: a beautiful woman; Q: What does Raj dream Siri is? A: his selective mutism; Q: What is the reason Raj can't talk to Siri? A: Sheldon; Q: Who accepts Amy's suggestions for a podcast? A: flags; Q: What topic do Sheldon and Amy start a podcast about? A: Fun With Flags; Q: What is the name of the podcast Sheldon and Amy start? Summary: Leonard and Penny have started dating again. With Penny wanting to take things slow and Leonard determined to ensure that their relationship works out this time, they agree to an alpha test relationship - instead of them arguing with each other, they highlight each other's faults and work on them. However this goes poorly as Leonard gives Penny a huge list of her faults, while Penny retaliates by giving Leonard a huge list of his faults. When he tries to patch things up by taking her target shooting, he accidentally shoots himself in the shoe, barely missing his toe. Later Penny assures him that their relationship is progressing smoothly. Meanwhile, Raj buys a new iPhone 4S and falls in love with its Siri as it is a female voice he can speak to without being drunk. He starts making decisions only after consulting Siri and even defends it after Kripke criticizes it for giving erroneous answers on his iPhone 4S (due to his rhotacism). Later Raj has a nightmare in which he finally meets Siri, who is a beautiful woman, but cannot talk to her due to his selective mutism. Elsewhere, Sheldon and Amy start a podcast about flags titled "Fun With Flags". Amy provides some suggestions during the podcast, which Sheldon unexpectedly accepts, indicating a deep bond between the two.
Craig's Room He is looking in a mirror. He doesn't have a shirt on. We see he has big deep bruises on his chest. He touches it + it hurts him. Degrassi Craig's dad is dropping him off at school. Mr. M: Here we are. Listen, hold on a second, Craiger. Got something for you. (He hands Craig a stack of money) Maybe you can get yourself a new camera. One of those digital ones. Craig: Wow! Thanks. Mr. M: If you need anything else, just ask. Craig: Sure, sure. Thank you. Mr. M: You're welcome. No hard feelings? Craig: No hard feelings. Mr. M: All right, then. (Craig gets out of the car) Degrassi Cafeteria Hazel: It's gotta be a real date, like a dinner and a movie date. Paige: No way. Spinner: Yes, way. We want value for our entertainment dollar. Besides we're not the ones with the mullet. JT: Paige Michalchuk and I will go out this year. It may take a little time, but- Paige: Oh, JT. JT: Uh, hey, Paige. To what do we owe this pleasure? This honor? This uh... Paige: I just wanted to apologize... for the other day when you asked me out. Sorry. JT: Oh, ok. Paige: Movie and a bite. Your treat. JT: Really? Great. Paige: Tonight, the mall, 5 P.M. sharp. (She leaves. Tony stares at JT in shock) Outside Craig is talking with Sean as they shoot hoops. Craig shoots and it goes in. Sean: Man, you should try out for the school team this year. Craig: I'm not really a team sport kinda guy. Sean: Didn't think I was either, but it's cool. Over here. (Craig gives him the ball. Sean tries to make a basket, but isn't really close to making one) Craig: Whoa, maybe I should join the team if you're the star player. Sean: Nah, never said I was. Craig: I'll give the Panthers some hope. Sean: Ah. (They start to play when Sean hits Craig where his dad hurt him) Craig: Ow! Man, this isn't hockey. Sean: Oh, I'm sorry. Craig: For what? Being a total idiot? Sean: Excuse me? Craig: Take it! (Throws the ball to Sean) You need the practice. (Craig leaves) Sean: Craig! Craig in the hall He is looking in his book of a picture of Angela. He then picks up the money his dad gave him. P.A.: If you are interested in helping organize the upcoming junior and senior dances, the social committee wants you...join them in the student activity room in 15 minutes. Emma is walking with a ton of books when someone bumps into her, making her drop her stuff. Guy: Watch where you're going. Craig: Hey! How was the rest of the party? Emma: Good, until all the supposed adults started singing '80s hits. Craig: Sorry I missed it. Emma: You shouldn't have had to. Craig: Did Joey talk to you? Emma: No, I wasn't eavesdropping, it just sort of happened. (Sits down next to him) I'm supposed to pick Ang up from school. Did your dad say you can't hang with me too? Craig: (Smiles) And hey, how was I to know you were going to go pick up my sister? (Emma smiles back at him) Emma and Craig They are outside. They are walking. Craig: Thanks by the way. For inviting me to the barbecue. Emma: It was no big deal. Craig: No, no, to me it was. It was really, it was really nice of you to...it was really...comfortable. (Emma nods as Angela shows up) Angela: Craig! (She jumps on his back) Craig: What's up, kid? Angela: Can we go to the park? Emma: I don't know, guys. I got a whole chapter of math homework, so the TV's gonna help baby-sit. Angela: But I want to. Craig: I can take her, right? Angela: Park, park, park! Craig: Right? Drop her off on my way home? Emma: I don't know guys. Craig: Can you say please? Angela: Please, Emma, please? Park, park, park. Emma: Just for a little bit, ok? Park Angela and Craig are running around water, with Angela on Craig's shoulders. Craig: Close your eyes, Ang. You're flying. Flying far far away from here. They go to some grass and Craig takes her off his shoulder. Craig: Get up. (She tickles him and then we see where Craig's dad hurt him) Ow. Angela: What is that? Craig: Well, um, remember that dinosaur? (She nods) It also likes boys named Craig. That's where it bit me. Angela: Does it hurt? Craig: Yeah. You know what would be great? To go someplace where dinosaur's can never ever get to us. Angela: Like where? Craig: Come on. Come on. (They get up and he grabs her hand) Come on, let's go. (They start to run and she laughs) Outside Emma's Emma is outside doing homework, when Joey shows up. Joey: Emma. (She looks up as he gets out of the car) I closed up early today. Where's Ang? Emma: Um...she's... Joey: She inside with your mom? Emma: No, she's... Joey: Emma, where is she? Emma: She's with Craig, ok? Joey: You let her go off with him? Emma: To the park. It's only fair since his dad won't let him. Joey: Excuse me? Emma: Joey, he's her brother. Joey: And you are just her baby-sitter. So leave the parenting decisions to me. (He gets back in his car) The Mall JT is waiting for Paige. While he's waiting, we see he has a bear in his hand. Then, someone (Paige) wearing a hood on her head and sunglasses taps him on the shoulder. JT: (As she takes her hood and sunglasses off) You are Paige, right? Paige: I'm late. JT: Thought maybe you stood me up or something. Here, I got you a little present. (Gives her the bear) Paige: Can we go to the movie already? (They go in) The movie They are watching the movie. Paige is looking freaked out about a part of the movie. JT looks at her, then back at the screen. JT puts his hand near Paige's, but she pushes it away. Paige starts to get up, but she sees Spinner and Hazel, who wave, so she sits down. The Park Joey is looking for Craig and Angela Joey: Craig! Angie! Craig/Angela They are buying ice cream. Ice Cream Man: Here you go. Craig: Thanks. Don't eat it too fast. (As she licks it, she sees all his money) Angela: Is that a million dollars? Craig: It's a lot. But not that much. You remember British Columbia? Angela shakes her head "No". Craig: It's beautiful. The weather's warm. Angela: I don't remember. Craig: You were just a baby. You know, this isn't a million bucks, but it is enough to get us there. Angela: Together? Craig: Let's go. The bus station's not far. Come on. (They get up and he takes her hand) Joey: Ang! Angie! Angela: Daddy! (Runs up to him and hugs him) Joey: I was worried. (To Craig) I thought you guys were going to the park. Craig: We did. But, uh, Ang got hungry. Joey: I'll take it from here, ok? Angela: Craig, can Daddy come too? Joey: Come where? Angela: On the bus. Craig's got a million dollars in his pocket. Craig: It was pretend. We were just playing. Angela: Show him the money! Craig: No, no. Angela: We're moving to British Columbia! Joey: What are you doing? You think you can just take her and go somewhere with her? Craig: No, I- No it was just pretend. Joey: Yeah, like that money in your pocket is pretend, right? Just stay away from Angie, ok? Like your dad said. Craig: Joey, I can't do that. Joey: I mean it! (Joey and Angela leave) Craig: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Craig's He's sitting at the table when his dad comes in. Mr. M: Hey kiddo. How come you're home so early? Everything okay? Craig: Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine, I just, uh, had a long day. Mr. M: Well, don't worry about it. We got Chinese food and a couple of videos, take it easy tonight. How does that sound? Craig: Sure. Mr. M: Great. Listen, did you get the camera? Craig: Uh...No. Mr. M: Why not? Craig: Well, the one I really wanted was about a $100.00 more. Mr. M: That's no problem. We'll go together. Your father's an understanding haggler. (The phone rings) Uh, how does tomorrow night sound? Dinner out? (He picks up the phone) Hello? Joey? What do you want? (Craig leaves and runs up to his room) Yeah, go ahead. I'm still here. (Craig runs in his room, shuts the door and locks it, then takes out his phone and calls Sean. As he talks, he packs some stuff) Craig: Sean? Hey. Hey man. Um, I was wondering if you were, uh, were doing anything tonight. (For a second, it goes to Craig's Dad coming up the stairs and knocking on his door) Mr. M: Craig? Craig: Okay, I'll be right over. (He hangs up the phone) Mr. M: Open this door now. Craig throws his stuff out the window, then goes out the window himself. The Mall Paige is sitting at a table with the bear alone, when JT shows up with food. JT: Okay. Wanna hear a joke? You got to promise not to get upset or something. Paige: As if I'd get upset at a joke. JT: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? (She looks at him as if to say, "I don't know") Root beer. Get it? Root Beer. Root. Paige: I can't believe you'd make a cheerleading joke to last year's head cheerleader. I'll forgive you, if you answer me this: What's the difference between a North Park cheerleader and a bag of trash? JT: I don't know. What? Paige: Trash gets taken out more often (He spits out his soda and they both laugh) Better get that. JT: Yeah. (They keep laughing, until Spinner and Hazel show up) Paige: Hazel, what are you doing here? Hazel: What are you doing? It looks like you're having fun. (Gives Paige the money) You've more than earned this. Spinner: Let's go. (Hazel nods as if to say "Come on") JT: You got paid to go out with me? Paige: Sue me. (She gets up and leaves. JT watches her go. Then he picks up the bear he gave her that she left behind) Train Tracks Sean and Craig are walking on them and talking as they walk. Craig: Where are your parents? You live with your brother, right? Sean: Yeah. Yeah, they're far away, which is, you know, good. Craig: So you and your parents didn't get along? They hit you or something? Sean: No. No, they were too drunk to do much. Total welfare cases. How about your dad? Craig: He's a surgeon. He fixes people. Sean: Surgeon, huh? Is he rich? Craig: Yeah, crazy rich. But, his job's stressful, so um, so we fight. (They sit down) And I've been thinking, I'm gonna go solo. I've got the money. I'm thinking B.C. Sean: Are you serious? Craig: Yeah, deadly serious. I'm outta here. Tonight. Sean: You're gonna wind up on the streets. Craig: Then, come with me. We'll watch out for each other. Sean: Craig, come on. Look, I can't leave. Look, uh, before you asked me if my parents hit me, right? Craig: Did I? So? Sean: I don't know. Does your dad hit you? (Craig doesn't answer. Then we see a skateboard hit the ground and Craig takes off) Man, what's wrong with you?! Emma's She's painting her toenails when Sean shows up. Sean: Emma! Emma: What are you doing here? Sean: It's about Craig. Emma: What? Is everything okay? Sean: I don't think so. (The camera goes up to Emma's face) Joey's Joey and Angela are at the table. Joey: Okay this is an easy one. 2 and 2 is... Angela: 4. Joey: Yeah. Emma: Joey! Joey! We need to talk to you. It's about Craig. He said he's going to B.C., but you know he's just gonna end up on the street. Joey: Guys, what do you want me to do? I can call his dad again... Emma: Joey, his dad is the problem. Sean: He beats him. Joey: Now wait a minute. Do you know what a serious accusation that is? I can't go around accusing the guy of that, all right? Angela: Is something wrong with Craig? Joey: Not now, honey, ok? This is serious. Angela: No, I saw today. Joey: No, I know you saw him today, ok? Angela: No I saw, all purple. A dinosaur hurts him. He told me. Joey: Okay. Sean, why don't you and I start at the railroad tracks. Emma, could you please just watch her? Emma: Of course. (They leave. Emma puts the bag on the table) The Railroad tracks Craig is walking. As he walks, we see homeless men watching him. Car Joey and Sean are driving around, trying to find Craig. Joey's Emma is looking through Craig's book of pictures of Joey and Angela. Joey/Sean Joey and Sean: Craig! Joey: Where else would he have gone? Sean: I have no idea. I've only known the guy since Tuesday. Joey: All right, let's keep looking. (They get back in the car) Joey's (It goes back and forth between Emma and Joey in the car) The phone rings. Emma: Hello? Joey: Hey, any sign of him? Emma: Nothing. Joey: Okay, we're gonna do one more sweep of the area, and if we don't find him, we're gonna go to the police, okay? Um, we may be late. Emma: Hold on a sec. (She sees a picture that says, "We miss you, Mommy! It shows Craig's mom's grave) I think there's one more place you should look. The Cemetery Craig is there, touching his mom's grave, when Joey and Sean show up. Joey: Craig? Craig? Craig: What do you want? Joey: Hey, whoa, I just wanna help okay? Craig: I'm fine! Joey: Yeah, right. Look at you. Just calm down and get outta here, okay? Craig: Where am I gonna go? Where am I gonna go? Back home, so Dad can...? Joey: What? Do what? What does he do to you? He hits you, doesn't he? Doesn't he? Craig: Yeah, he does. (He starts to cry. He goes to Joey and Joey hugs him as he cries) The Next Day - Hallway of Degrassi Paige is walking to JT. He sees her and starts to walk away. Paige: JT, please. Stop. I'm having some residual guilt about Friday night. That said, I really needed the money. JT: Wow, you know what? That really makes me feel a whole lot better. Paige: JT, you're a good date. If you weren't 5'1" and in a subterranean social strata, I'd maybe even consider going out again. JT: Really? Paige: Yes, but no. Sorry, hun. I only date up. Nothing personal. JT: Sure, of course. But, um... you know, I would feel better if... Paige: If what? Spit it out. JT: Call me romantic, but I always imagined my first date ending in a kiss. Paige: No way. JT: Come on, Paige. You'd be making my dreams come true. (Paige makes sure no one is looking, then she kisses JT on the cheek.) Paige: We're so even. JT: Oh, here. Forgot your bear (She takes the bear and shakes her head as she leaves. JT smiles) Craig's Craig is in the car with Joey. Craig: I wanna do this alone. Joey: Okay. But do it just like we talked about. Go in, say as little as you can, get you can, go upstairs, get your things, and come out. He knows you're coming. And he knows what has to happen. (Craig gets out of the car and goes to the door. Before he knocks, his dad opens the door. He sees Joey standing there. He steps aside and lets him in) Craig: I'm just gonna get my stuff. Mr. M: Craig, just leave it, leave it. Come back when we've cooled down. We'll talk this thing through. Craig: No, no more talking, ok? Mr. M: Ok. But you're breaking my heart, you know that, just like your mother. Just, Craig. I know I've been impatient, but work's been really stressful. You can't leave, Craig. I love you. Craig: There are three options, Dad. I can go to Children's Aid right now, I can go stay with Joey while we sort this stuff out, or I can come back here, and let you beat me, Mr. M: I don't beat you. (Craig goes up to his room) Outside Craig comes outside with his stuff. He puts his stuff to the car. Joey goes up to Craig's Dad. Then, Joey goes to the car. It goes to the hood and the car door shutting. Then, Craig and Joey drive away. Craig looks back, watching his dad get farther and farther away.	Plan: A: Degrassi; Q: What is the name of the high school that is expanded to include seventh through twelfth grades? A: a full-fledged high school; Q: What does Degrassi expand into as a new school year begins? A: New ninth-grader Craig; Q: Who becomes friends with Sean and attracts Emma and Manny? A: quick friends; Q: What does Craig become with Sean? A: , growing need; Q: What is Craig's need to be around his stepfather Joey and half-sister Angela? A: J.T.; Q: Who makes desperate attempts to ask Paige out? A: a bet; Q: What did Paige make with Hazel and Spinner that changed her mind about J.T.? Summary: As a new school year begins, Degrassi expands into a full-fledged high school encompassing seventh through twelfth grades. New ninth-grader Craig becomes quick friends with Sean and attracts Emma and Manny, but his home life is less than perfect as he deals with an abusive father and his own, growing need to be around his stepfather Joey and half-sister Angela. Meanwhile, J.T. makes desperate attempts to ask Paige out, but she refuses every time. She later changes her mind when she makes a bet with Hazel and Spinner.
Opening shots and series recap JACK : (VO) Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on earth and arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes and you gotta be ready. Open on blurred lighting, a darkened background. EUGENE : (VO) The speed of light is three hundred and ninety nine million, seven hundred and ninety two thousand, four hundred and eight metres per second, pain travels through the body at three hundred and fifty feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach a hundred miles per hour. As for life, well, that just bloody whizzes by. Overview of a young man lying on his back in the middle of a road. He is average - average height, build and looks - Eugene. EUGENE : (VO) So then, this is me. Eugene Jones. Eugene looks to either side of him and sits up. Confused. He stands and looks about, walks slowly down the road, past the Torchwood SUV and the police cordon. An officer holds up the rope while he passes. He sees the Torchwood team and calls out, he knows who they are. EUGENE : Hey. Gwen ! Jack ! Tosh ! The guys at the rope just let me through so... Jack and Gwen stand with Toshiko next to a police patrol car and an ambulance. GWEN : I'd say at least 50 miles per hour. Gwen walks away from Jack to look at a body. They talk, ignoring Eugene. JACK : Travel on the bonnet, bounced, maybe rolls, smashes his face on the road. Eugene moves closer to Gwen and looks at the body lying on the verge at the side of the road. EUGENE : Aye ? Er, excuse me, that looks a lot like me... The body of Eugene lies face down on the floor, blood covering the side of his head - dead. TOSHIKO : Couldn't even cross the road without messing it up. Jack crouches down next to Gwen to look at the body. GWEN : No bag, nothing. I mean what was he doing here ? Perhaps he was hit deliberately, maybe he really did have something important. TOSHIKO : Like what ? GWEN : I dunno. He was always trying to talk to us, show us stuff. Perhaps we shouldn't have been so... TOSHIKO : Gwen, I think it's just an ordinary RTA. EUGENE : Guys ! JACK : It was a red car, there's red paint under his fingernails. EUGENE : Am I dead ? Eugene looks at the body - himself - as understanding begins to dawn. He looks round to see that he has put his arm through Toshiko's back, he's a ghost. He begins to step backwards in shock. He stands in the middle of the milling police officers, ambulance crew and SOCO calling out in general. EUGENE : Am I dead ? Am I dead ? OPENING CREDITS EXT. ACCIDENT SITE - DAY A mobile phone lies in the grass near to the body of Eugene. It rings and Toshiko picks it up and answers. TOSHIKO : Yes ? BROMWEN : (Over phone) Hello love, I've just been to the shops, I forgot tea bags. Toshiko holds out the phone to Gwen who takes it. BROMWEN : (Over phone) 'ello ? Eugene... GWEN : Hello, Mrs Jones, something's happened. We need to talk to you. Eugene still stands nearby, trying to work out what is happening. EUGENE : (VO) What happened ? How did I end up here ? I mean, I'm dead ? But I'm not dead, sh1t ! Gwen leaves the accident scene, going under the police cordon, followed by Eugene. EUGENE : (VO) So what, am I a ghost ? Or a zombie ? Gwen walks to the SUV and opens the back door, Eugene still following her. Toshiko behind them gets into the passenger seat. EUGENE : (VO) Oh, God ! Right, car. Stick with the team. Eugene ducks under Gwen's arm and through the open door into the back seat of the SUV. Gwen pauses to look at Jack who indicates the driver's door. GWEN : What ? You're driving. EUGENE : (VO) This is Torchwood. It's gonna be okay. Eugene looks in the rear-view mirror - he is not reflected. EUGENE : (VO)What ? Course, I'm invisible. Why am I invisible ? Gwen looks at Eugene's mobile. JACK : Anything on Eugene's phone from today ? GWEN : Just some pictures of random shoes. There are various pictures of people's feet. She flicks through the photos then puts the phone down. EUGENE : (VO) Mind you, feels kind of familiar. You know what, whatever's happened, al of a sudden, I'm somewhere I always wanted to be. Eugene looks at Gwen. Overview : the SUV drives away. EUGENE : (VO) Lets back up a bit. I mean every story's got a beginning. I think mine began here... INT. HALL - 1992 An hall is full of children in school uniform and adults (their parents) clapping. A young Eugene sits behind a desk - a team gameshow panel. EUGENE : (VO) The final of the inter-school maths competition, 1992. I used to be a mathshead - binary code, interpology, quadratics, I loved stuff like that and... I was supposed to be really good at it. Widen to see the stage, Eugene's team of three and the host with score cards facing the audience - 34, 42. Eugene holds his dead in his hands, defeated. HOST : ...and Rushmore a mountainous 42. Congratulate the winning team... EUGENE : (VO) Dad took the day off work to come and see me, but when the moment mattered, I blanked. Eugene's dad sits in the audience, looking disappointed and annoyed. EUGENE : (VO) I let the side down. I made a mess of it. [SCENE_BREAK] School science classroom. A few students leave the room. Eugene sits alone, dejected. The others look at him as they leave. GIRL : See ya. EUGENE : Everyone blamed me for loosing the final. But, it must have been what happened afterwards that started this whole thing off. A teacher enters the room - 50's, balding, portly. MR GRIFFITHS : Have you ever had a proper look at the collection ? YOUNG EUGENE : No, Sir. MR GRIFFITHS : Would you like to ? YOUNG EUGENE : No, Sir. MR GRIFFITHS : I play golf. YOUNG EUGENE : Oh. Good, Sir. MR GRIFFITHS : I play golf and one day when I was playing really badly I was stuck in the first bunker whacking away at all the sand... Mr Griffiths, looking through a glass fronted cabinet, takes out an object and holds it in front of himself. MR GRIFFITHS : ...And this fell out of the sky and landed, plop, beside me. YOUNG EUGENE : From the sky ? MR GRIFFITHS : Yeah. Well it looks a bit like a golf ball so I picked it up and put it in my pocket, but when I had a proper look later, here. Mr Griffiths hands the object to Eugene who takes it, his interest piqued. It is a large glass eye - too large to fit a human. MR GRIFFITHS : I realised it was an eye. I thought oh, where could that have come from ? It fell from the sky, isn't that amazing ? Have it. As Eugene looks at the glass eye the swirled iris moves. Mr Griffiths moves back to his desk and Eugene's father enters the room holding a video camera and looking irritated. SHAUN : Where the bloody hell have you been ? Mr GRIFFITHS : Good evening ! SHAUN : Good evening. Come on Eugene. Eugene dutifully picks up his jacket to leave with his father and walks towards the door. MR GRIFFITHS : Have you got everything ? Eugene pauses and shows Mr Griffiths the eye before leaving. YOUNG EUGENE : Yes. Thanks Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. YOUNG EUGENE'S HOUSE. Eugene sits at the kitchen table examining the eye while his parents argue loudly. SHAUN : I went to the school didn't I ? BROMWEN : Oh just... The remainder of their argument is lost under Eugene's voice over. EUGENE : (VO) Dad was mad at me for loosing the final, but now I had the eye... [SCENE_BREAK] YOUNG EUGENE'S ROOM - LATER A ceiling painted dark blue with planets and stars painted on it. Eugene's voice over continues. EUGENE : (VO) ...and what I realised was, if it fell from the sky it probably, no, no, it almost certainly belonged to an alien. Young Eugene lies on his bed looking up at his stellar ceiling. His parents still arguing downstairs. BROMWEN : (From downstairs) ...get out of my house. SHAUN : (From downstairs) I'm off ! The door slams and young Eugene turns his head to look. Then climbs out of his bunk bed to look out of the window at his father. He bangs on the window but his father does not hear, he gets in his car and leaves. EUGENE : (VO) That was the night Dad went away. But it was okay because I had the eye, and the possibility of an alien encounter. Young Eugene goes to his bookshelf and picks up the eye. He stands holding it under a reading lamp. EUGENE : (VO) I mean, if you leave something really important behind, you come back and get it. Don't you ? Young Eugene returns to the window and looks through his telescope at the moon. EUGENE : (VO) God I wanted that alien to come back and claim his eye more than I wanted anything in my life. I worked out the possible provenance... CUT TO : images of various planets. EUGENE : (VO) ...The life-form and galaxy. Planetary escape velocities, launch windows, necessary fuel capacities, and then I waited. CUT TO : The eye travels through the universe. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT - RECENT PAST Eugene stands next to the police cordon at the scene of an incident. A few other civilians stand with him. EUGENE : (VO) My Dad never came back. As I got older I became interested in UFO's, collected alien artefacts, watched the stars and waited alone for my alien... Torchwood SUV pulls into the site. Gwen gets out the SUV and walks towards the boot. EUGENE : (VO) And then, I found you. Gwen Cooper. Eugene goes over to speak to Gwen as she gets equipment from the car. EUGENE : I'm Eugene Jones and erm, I've a keen interest in your work and, err, I've got something, er, I just like, I'd just like, I'd just like to show. Jack stands at the incident site, surrounded by small, grounded boats. Owen walks past Gwen carrying equipment. Gwen holds 2 boxes and pauses to speak to Eugene. GWEN : Hi. EUGENE : Hi... JACK : (Off screen) Gwen, come on ! Gwen indicates her equipment, not having the time to spare to speak to Eugene. GWEN : Look, I've gotta go. EUGENE : Please, please ! She walks away. Eugene follows, waving papers at her which he drops and are blown away by the wind. He stops and watches her go to work. EUGENE : (VO) But I couldn't quite make contact. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ANOTHER INCIDENT SITE - LATER DATE. Eugene approaches Owen and Gwen as they putting equipment back into the SUV. Owen again walks past him and Eugene speaks to Gwen. OWEN : You again. EUGENE : Gwen, I've got this thing I, I really need to show you. Gwen gets into the SUV. GWEN : Sorry. EUGENE : (VO) I couldn't get you interested in the eye, no matter how hard I tried. INT. EUGENE'S HOUSE. Gwen is at Eugene's house to see his mother, Bromwen, and tell her about his death. The ghost of Eugene stands with her. BROMWEN : Are you sure it's my Eugene ? GWEN : Yes Mrs Jones. BROMWEN : Perhaps, you couldn't, really identify him. GWEN : We could. Bromwen starts to cry and Eugene leaves the room, not wanting to watch his mother's grief. Bromwen looks around at the over, unable to come to terms with the sudden news. BROMWEN : That's his tea there. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. EUGENE'S ROOM Owen goes through a stack of magazines in Eugene's room, Ianto is with him sorting through the belongings. Eugene enters. Owen throws down the magazine he was flicking through and some fall to the floor. OWEN : sh1t. Owen moves to stand near Ianto. Eugene bends to pick up the magazines. Owen looks at a leaflet proclaiming 'Black holes and the uncertainty principle' OWEN : What are we doin' 'ere ? Ianto opens a cabinet nearby. IANTO : Look at this. Labelled trinkets have been placed neatly on a glass shelf. [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gwen sits next to Eugene's brother, Terry, on the settee. Terry isn't really listening, watching television instead. GWEN : Do you understand what's happened to your brother, Terry ? TERRY : Yep. GWEN : What. TERRY : He walked into a road and got run over. Gwen looks at the television, a programme about elephants, and changes her tactics. GWEN : Where's yer Dad ? TERRY : Works for a big corporation in America. Owen enters and indicates she should go with him. OWEN : Gwen. Gwen puts a hand on Terry's shoulder as she stands, he doesn't really notice. [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Gwen picks up items from the cabinet. Eugene stands next to her. EUGENE : That's pre-gorgon Pilurian currency. I had them authenticated. GWEN : Are these Roman coins ? Owen holds another item, it appears to be Rice Crispies glued to a piece of rock. OWEN : Hey look, Rice Crispies. Man there are some rogues out there. Gwen turns back to the cabinet and notices a stand without an object. GWEN : Oh, hang on, there's something missing here. Bromwen enters and Gwen picks up the stand and turns to her. GWEN : Mrs Jones do you know what's missing from Eugene's collection ? BROMWEN : Why didn't they stop ? They killed my boy and just... drove on. Gwen puts the stand back, knowing she can ask no more questions. [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S FRONT DOOR - LATER Bromwen stands holing the door open as Owen leaves, followed by Gwen, carrying a boxes of Eugene's belongings. OWEN : Excuse me. GWEN : I am sorry Mrs Jones. Bronwen nods her understanding through her tears. Eugene follows Gwen through the door, pausing as he goes. EUGENE : Look mum, I'm sorry, but er, we got the best team ever workin' on this, the Torchwood, me, top. We'll get sorted mum. See I... Bromwen returns inside, unable to hear Eugene, he keeps speaking as she walks past. EUGENE : ...Think there's probably been some mistake, so er, so erm. Gotta go. Eugene walks away, realising that it's pointless talking to his mother as a ghost. INT. THE HUB - DAY The cog door opens and Gwen enters followed by Owen, Ianto and Eugene. GWEN : I wanna know where he last ate, where he's been... EUGENE : Oh wow, this is, this is, I'm totally, Christ almighty ! Eugene turns around to see the Doctor's hand and it's companion piece on the table. EUGENE : The head of Vexor 11. No way ! And, wow, a hand, in a jar. GWEN : What was he doin' out in that road ? Gwen puts her box down on the table next to the settee. OWEN : Oh fck knows. Categorising chevrons. He was a geek. Eugene wanders through the hub. EUGENE : Oh, this is truly legendary. Gwen walks down into the autopsy room followed by Owen. OWEN : Gwen he had a bit of a thing about you and now you're feeling guilty. GWEN : Sod off Owen. Owen indicates the body of Eugene lying on the table covered with a sheet. OWEN : You do it then. GWEN : I do it, the autopsy ? OWEN : Yes, I've got a stack of admin. GWEN : Okay, good. OWEN : Sure. GWEN : Yes. OWEN : Really ? GWEN : Yes. CUT TO : Eugene standing in the middle of the hub still looking around. EUGENE : I am in heaven. Am I ? Is that... ? Eugene walks into the autopsy room and sees Gwen unzipping the body bag to reveal the face of Eugene's corpse. OWEN : Number three scalpel, start at the sternum, piece of piss. Gwen has put on an apron and she puts on some latex gloves, preparing to start the autopsy. Eugene stands but the stair rail, watching. EUGENE : Okay, here we go. This is also new to me but erm, in an investigation like this... Gwen places the scalpel next to Eugene's sternum and prepares to cut. Eugene's ghost faints. Gwen looks round, as if she heard a noise. Ianto enters. IANTO : Okay, a red Vauxhall has been stopped just outside Camargan, very drunk guy. Has admitted knocking a man over near Cardiff, fits Eugene's description. The man says he thought he'd be okay so he drove on. OWEN : Oh, he was a sweet guy that's very sad. Now, can we get on with some proper work please ? Gwen looks at him, unhappy, knowing there's something going on. INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT Eugene lies on the walkway at the top of the stairs looking at his corpse. He stands and walks into the central hub. He stands behind Owen who sits at his workstation eating an apple. Eugene looks lost. He has seen the autopsy hasn't been performed and doesn't know what to do. INT. EUGENE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Bromwen looks out of the window of her house onto a darkened road, crying. Eugene walks towards the window, unseen by his grieving mother. Eugene watches his mother then walks away, unable to console her. INT. THE HUB - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Gwen sits with Jack, Toshiko and Owen at the desk. GWEN : Do you think Eugene committed suicide ? TOSHIKO : It was a road accident and there was no alien involvement. GWEN : You see I'm not so sure because, something seems really odd. I mean I, I just feel that there's something going on. OWEN : Marvelous, thank you for that Disney moment, now who's making the tea. GWEN : Yeah well I suppose Eugene's a bit odd and a real local and amateur for you... OWEN : Now why is it that only Gwen seems to have a heart. I don't know if you'd noticed but the rest of us are human and amazingly we still manage to get on with our jobs. JACK : Okay you two. GWEN : Okay, fine, leave it. Forget it. I have. INT. THE HUB - DAY Open to monitors playing a movie at Owen's station, he sits reading some papers, only half watching the film. Gwen looks over at him then walks to his station. GWEN : Is that Eugene's DVD ? OWEN : No. Yes. It was on loan from the video store. GWEN : You were nicking his stuff ? Owen puts down the papers and removes the DVD from his computer. OWEN : I was gonna take it back. GWEN : I'll do it. OWEN : Suits me, there'll be a fine. Gwen walks away with the DVD and Owen turns his back on her and continues reading his papers. CUT TO : Gwen's workstation. Gwen boxes up evidence bags of Eugene's belongings, she sees the mobile phone and puts it in her pocket and gets her bag. GWEN : I'm gonna go for some lunch. OWEN : Alright Owen holds an arm up, not actually waving without turning to look at Gwen. INT. A CAFÉ - CONSECUTIVE An egg is dropped into a pool of fat in a frying pan in the café. Gwen enters and speaks to the owner who is collecting plates. GWEN : Hi. Do you know when the video shop round the corner opens ? CAFÉ OWNER : No, he's a law unto himself. Eugene enters behind Gwen. EUGENE : Gwen ! Gwen what are you doin' here ? This is my lunch café, this is where I come... GWEN : Do you know someone called Eugene Jones ? EUGENE : That's me mate, that's, that's me. GWEN : Middle height, sandy hair, ordinary lookin'... The café owner shakes his head. CAFÉ OWNER : No, what can I do for you love ? EUGENE : I come in here everyday ! Two eggs ham and chips everyday ! GWEN : Two eggs ham and chips please. Gwen walks over to a table while the café owner writes down her order. Eugene looks after her, realising he might be getting through to her, he smiles and walks to her table. EUGENE : So, so er... wow, this is so weird. I used to follow you around, now you're following me. Gwen gets Eugene's mobile phone out and looks at it, flicking through the pictures of random shoes. Eugene looks over her shoulder. EUGENE : You see I don't know whose those are. Can't remember anything. Except, phone Gary, he might know something. Phone Gary, phone Gary. Gwen scrolls through the names on Eugene's phone to Gary's number and calls it. Eugene is a little perplexed that it worked. GARY : (On phone) Hi this is Gary please leave a message. GWEN : Hi. My name is Gwen Cooper, I have some very bad news for you Gary... The café owner puts Gwen's plate of food on the table and leaves. Gwen looks at the plate and watches him walk away, unsure why she ordered the food. Eugene leans over to smell the food. GWEN : Erm, I'll give you a call back later. EUGENE : That is so beautiful. INT. VIDEO SHOP - LATER Gwen enters the video shop followed by Eugene. A dinosaur programme is playing on a large television screen and the owner is not behind the counter. As Gwen waits the owner stands up behind the counter, on his mobile. GWEN : Hello. Josh snaps his phone shut and looks at Gwen. JOSH : Hey gorgeous, wanna borrow a dream ? GWEN : No thank you, I wanna return some DVD's on behalf of someone who's deceased. JOSH : Deceased no sh1t. He takes the DVD's from Gwen JOSH : That's pretty final. GWEN : Eugene Jones. JOSH : Ay... I think he used to come in here, with a mate, bit of a dreamer, kind of... EUGENE : Irresistible ? JOSH : ...ordinary looking. GWEN : Yeah, he was killed in a road accident. JOSH : Oh, that's too bad, sweet guy. Josh looks at the till, pressing a couple of buttons. JOSH : Thirty four pounds please. GWEN & EUGENE : (In unison) thirty four pounds ! JOSH : Yeah, sorry, er... he's had 'em out ages, I haven't seen him in months... Eugene walks to the counter and leans over to look at the till. JOSH : I don't think I can bend the rules just 'cause he's dead. EUGENE : ...bstrd. Sorry Gwen. GWEN : That's okay. JOSH : Did he er ? Josh motions hanging himself to Gwen. JOSH : Did he 'walk into oncoming traffic' ? See, lot of people come in 'ere, they don't wanna be themselves anymore. They wanna be someone else, they want me to transport them. How 'bout you baby ? EUGENE: Oh, leave it out. GWEN : I'm fine thank you. How 'bout you ? JOSH : Me ? I'm outta here, goin' to London in a couple of months, know what I'm sayin' ? See no disrespect but Eugene had looser written through him like Brighton in a stick of rock. Maybe he just couldn't live with his failure. Eugene looks around at Josh when he is called a failure, not believing that he was. JOSH : Wanna write a cheque ? [SCENE_BREAK] ARIEL CARDIFF - DAY. EUGENE : (VO) Failure. Is that right ? Has my life just been one big failure ? CUT TO : A Lift. Gwen enters a lift followed by Eugene. EUGENE : (VO) I mean maybe I never quite lived up to my early promise as a maths genius but that's because I was waiting, for the alien to collect his eye and change my life. The lift opens on a large office, open plan. Gwen and Eugene exit the lift, Gwen looking around. EUGENE : (VO) And while I was waiting I joined Pathmoore Telesales. Eugene walks into the office and looks around at his old workplace. EUGENE : Oh yes, this is all nauseatingly familiar. EUGENE : Selling kitchens, home insurance, barbeque sets. Selling life and, still waiting. Gwen walks behind Eugene, almost following him. She looks through the pictures on the mobile again, looking for a match. Eugene points out people he knows. EUGENE : Jason ! Kevin ! There's the guy with the personal hygiene problem. Nothing changes really. Hi Morag. Me and Morag used to go out. Gwen sees some shoes matching those in one of the photos. EUGENE : (VO) So how come I can remember the details of my fascinating daily life but the vital couple of weeks before I died are still a complete mystery to me ? Gwen walks over to the man wearing the shoes from the photograph. He is returning from the water cooler. An ordinary looking man in a shirt and a tank top. GWEN : Er, are you Gary ? GARY : Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you ere, oh are you... GWEN : Gwen ? Yes. I was just wondering if you saw Eugene the day he died. GARY : No, erm, sorry. Another employee walks over with a card. Holds it out while Gary puts down his glass of water. GARY : Just done a card you know. Gary takes the card and reads from it. GARY : Good luck in your new job. He's dead ! MAN : No ! Who's it for then ? GARY : His mum. You idiot ! MAN : sh1t ! Can you rub it out ? Gary holds the card out to him, showing him the writing. GARY : It's in biro. People just, don't understand. Gary storms away, Eugene and Gwen follow him. EUGENE : Don't worry mate it's okay. A woman sees Gwen and speaks to her as she passes. LINDA : Is it true ? He got run over ? GWEN : Yeah. LINDA : God ! Sorry, I'm Linda, I'm silver seller. Linda starts crying and Gwen perches on her desk and passes her a tissue. Eugene stands near Linda's desk, looking at her. LINDA : It's all about belief see, if necessary I am kitchens for a life time. Eugene was only ever himself. GWEN : He wasn't the best salesman then ? LINDA : No, I think Craig kept him on out of the goodness of his heart. Have you met Craig ? GWEN : Your boss ? You two an item ? Linda nods, coyly. EUGENE : A snog in the ladies at the Christmas party. LINDA : But I can't really talk about it here, 'cause of Craig's you know, erm, position. GWEN : Do you wanna meet at lunch time for a chat ? Linda nods, a little eagerly, like she's not asked to meet for lunch very often, wanting someone to talk to. GWEN : Okay. Er, where does Gary sit ? Linda points out the desk. LINDA : Er, number 50. GWEN : Okay, thank you, thanks. Gwen walks over to Gary's desk with Eugene. She sits down and her phone rings. She answers it on her Bluetooth. GWEN : Owen. OWEN : (On com) Yeah, Jack wants to know where you are. GWEN: Yeah, sorry. I had a few things to sort out. Gwen picks up a leaflet from Gary's desk - 'Black Holes and the Uncertainty Principle'. GWEN : I'll be back later. OWEN : (Over com) Yeah, well make it quick. Gwen hangs up and taking the leaflet leaves the office. INT. A BAR - LATER Gwen sits with Linda, two empty pint glasses on the table. Eugene standing between them, listening to the conversation. LINDA : Yeah, well one day Eugene came in very low. GWEN : Why, why was he low ? LINDA : He wouldn't talk about it. Anyway, I was fed up too, 'cause Craig, well anyway I said I'd love to get away from it all and go to Australia, Eugene suddenly got very excited and said 'yes, you've got to go'. I said 'well I haven't got the money' and he said he's get it for me. GWEN : So he was going to pay for a ticket for you to go to Australia with him ? Was he in love with you ? LINDA : Oh no, he loved someone he said was unobtainable. Eugene, sitting down now, looks over at Gwen as Linda says this. Gwen smiles tightly, listening intently, half knowing Linda means her. LINDA : He was just, trying to look after me. He said 'don't stay here and waste your life waiting for something that may never happen'. GWEN : But where was he gonna get the money from ? LINDA : Exactly. EUGENE : You said, er, 'you haven't bought as new pair of socks in six years'. LINDA : I said 'you haven't even had a new pair of socks in six years', he stood up and he said... Gwen's phone rings. LINDA : That's your phone. Gwen turns off the call, intent on hearing Linda's story. GWEN : Yep, he said... LINDA : He said, 'I'm going to sell it' I said 'what' he said 'my alien artefact'. EUGENE : So... GWEN : So... LINDA : So he brought it into work. [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S OFFICE - PAST Eugene puts the alien eye on his desk and shows it to his colleagues; Gary, Linda and Pete. PETE : It's a plastic eye. EUGENE : It's an alien body part. And I'm gonna sell it in Ebay. LINDA : Eugene, it's very nice of you but I don't think that's gonna get me the bus into town let alone a flight to Sydney. Eugene looks at them then looks down at the eye, disappointed. [SCENE_BREAK] BAR - PRESENT LINDA : Some people laughed, but he went ahead and of course it just sat there. EUGENE : She said maybe a photo, a bit, bit more of a description so... LINDA : Then out the blue two pound fifty came from Birmingham and then... [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S OFFICE - PAST Eugene works at his station, Gary, at the neighbouring station is checking the auction on Ebay and calls out to Eugene. GARY : Eugene, you've gotta couple more bits. Bloody hell, seventy five quid. LINDA : (VO) That was just the beginnin'. Two hundred, three hundred, one thousand. It just kept on goin' up. While Linda speaks, see Eugene watching the auction page with increasing surprise, on the auction page the figures increase as Linda says them, up to £3000. [SCENE_BREAK] BAR - PRESENT LINDA : Three thousand pounds ! For a spare body part. Pete said you can get a bathroom suite with a celebrity appearance for less than that ! And then one day it just , jumped. [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S OFFICE - PAST Show the auction screen, the current bit goes from £3000 to £15,000. Linda looks over Eugene's shoulder at the auction page. LINDA : Oh my God, Eugene, you're rich ! The bid increases again to £15,005.50. [SCENE_BREAK] BAR - PRESENT LINDA : Fifteen thousand and five pounds fifty. EUGENE : So who bought it ? GWEN : Who bought it ? LINDA : I've no idea. Is it all my fault ? GWEN : No, of course it's not. Gwen's phone rings and she picks it up from the table, answers. GWEN : Hello. BROMWEN : (Over phone) Hi, it's Eugene's mom. GWEN : Mrs Jones BROMWEN : (Over phone) There's something I think you should see. GWEN : Okay, I'll come over. Gwen hangs up and stands to leave. GWEN : That was Eugene's mum, I'm sorry Linda I'm gonna have to go. Linda gives Gwen a sad smile and drinks her wine as Gwen walks quickly from the bar. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. EUGENE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Gwen sits with Bromwen on the settee. Eugene sits at the table at the far end of the room. Bromwen blows her nose as they watch a video of Eugene at the Interschool Maths Final. Eugene's dad's voice can be heard on the video. SHAUN : (On video) There he is, my son at the Interschool Maths Final, big moment, youngest contestant in Wales. MR GARRETT : (On video) So, it's down to the wire, the last question will settle the final. What curve is represented by y2 = 4ax ? Eugene doesn't know the answer and the quizmaster repeats the question. SHAUN : (On video) Don't let me down boy ! Eugene fails to answer the question and they loose the final. Bromwen stops the video. GWEN : I don't understand, someone gave him the eye as a consolation prize ? BROMWEN : Yeah, it was that Mr Garrett, the science teacher. Plastic eye, huh, consolation prize, but still, Eugene treasured it. Terry enters the room. TERRY : That was the night dad walked out. BROMWEN : Went away. TERRY : You can stop now mum. BROMWEN : What'd you mean ? TERRY : He's dead. Maybe able to square the root of the square friggin' root but he couldn't cross the friggin' road. Eugene walks towards them and his mother starts crying at Terry's words. BROMWEN : Terry please. GWEN : He sold the eye online, so, something musta happened. TERRY : Dad left when he found out Eugene was a failure. That's what Eugene always said. BROMWEN : That's not true. None of that's true. He went 'cause of his job. He has a very important job. GWEN : Does Mr Jones know about Eugene ? BROMWEN : Well you see, he works for a big corporation in America. TERRY : Stop giving us that sh1t ! He's not superman mum, he works in a garage of Filey Road ! Eugene found out two weeks ago. Eugene crouches down next to Terry, wondering at the new information. TERRY : Found it on the internet. He's a cashier, works nights. Bromwen starts crying again. EUGENE : (VO) Oh God, now I remember why I sold the eye. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's car driving through Cardiff at night. Eugene's voiceover continues. EUGENE : (VO) Life can be such a let down can't it ? All those years I believed my dad went to America because I was a failure and here he was all along, doin' his important, secret work in Filey Road, Cardiff. I couldn't even bear to say hello. Gwen stops the car opposite the garage and they look through the rain to see Eugene's father leaving the shop. EUGENE : (VO) I spent my life believing in stupid stories, fantasies. I've wasted my life. Once I'd seen him there everything I'd dreamed about was utter rubbish. It was just a crock of sh1t, including the eye. Gwen takes off her seat belt as Shaun walks away from the garage. EUGENE : (VO) So why not sell it ? Along with the woodworm, treatment and loft insulation and all the other crap floating around in the world. Linda was welcome to the money. Gwen opens the car door to speak to Eugene's father. EUGENE : No, no don't, Gwen. Gwen stops, reconsiders and shuts the car door. EUGENE : I don't want anything to do with him. Sorry. GWEN : It's okay Gwen puts her seatbelt back on. INT. THE HUB - NIGHT Gwen takes an evidence bag of Eugene's things from the storage box and puts it in her bag. Track back- Gwen stands with Eugene, Jack walks up behind them and startles them both. JACK : You turned your phone off. Jack leans of a pillar with his arms crossed waiting for Gwen's explanation. GWEN : It was Eugene. Gwen and Eugene sit down and face Jack. GWEN : He didn't understand why his father left, he just needs a bit of help. JACK : To do what ? He's dead. GWEN : Yes Jack I know he's dead, but... EUGENE : This is not sounding good Gwen. JACK : I've got work to do. Jack walks off. GWEN : Okay. EUGENE : Ay, no, you can't just stop ! I mean what about the fifteen thousand pounds ? Gwen ? Gwen ! Gwen stands and speaks so Jack can hear her. GWEN : Okay, listen to this. Jack stops and turns to face Gwen, listening to her better explanation. GWEN : Eugene had an alien eye in his collection. He sold it online. JACK : What like a Sixth eye ? Gwen nods slightly and Jack walks back to her, interested suddenly. JACK : A Dogon Sixth eye ? GWEN : Maybe. JACK : It's possible. There was a trade in them. Who's got it ? GWEN : I don't know but I've nearly tracked it down. What exactly is a, er, Sixth eye, I mean exactly ? JACK : It's one in the back, lets you see behind you, where you've been. Kinda puts things in perspective. It's useful, fun, slightly terrifying, that's why they were in demand. EUGENE : See, see I told you. GWEN : I can get it for you. EUGENE : My alien, see, see ? JACK : Okay, you've got the weekend. But keep your phone on. Jack walks away again. Eugene looks to Gwen, ecstatic. Gwen smiles happily. EUGENE : God, you are brilliant ! And I'm brilliant to. Gwen takes out the leaflet from Gary's desk - 'Black Holes and the Uncertainty Principle'. EUGENE : Oh, yeah. Course. Gary and me were gonna go to that talkin Aberystwyth. EXT. ROAD - DAY Gwen's car travels down a countryside road to Aberystwyth. EUGENE : (VO) Black holes and antimatter were pretty important to me and Gary, but if I'm gonna spend a night by the sea... Through windscreen - Gwen driving along, happy, Eugene in the passenger seat, looking at Gwen grinning. EUGENE : (VO) I know who I'd rather be with. I'd trust you with my life, if, you know, I still had one. INT. SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - ABERYSTWYTH - DAY Gwen enters the lobby followed by Eugene who looks up at the ceiling as he enters, pauses looking up then hurries to catch up with Gwen. Gwen walks up the stairs and enters the exhibition. She sees Gary looking at an exhibit. GWEN : Gary. Gary looks up and runs away. Gwen starts to follow then leans on the banister looking for him. Eugene stands to the side, watches Gary walk back to them. GARY : I'm not proud of what I've done. [SCENE_BREAK] A different gallery within the museum - fossils. Gwen leans on a case as she speaks to Gary, Eugene standing behind her. GWEN : You hiked the bid ? GARY : I created three or four online aliases and used them to inflate the price. GWEN : But why ? GARY : First... Gary starts walking away, needing to move while he talks. Gwen and Eugene follow. GARY : Just to cheer him up, he was miserable, then the bidding took of and we got, I mean I, was involved at first. I was just helping Eugene make money. Then one morning... [SCENE_BREAK] FIRE ESCAPE - PAST Eugene runs down the metal stairs from his office to find Gary who stands under the stair case smoking. EUGENE : Gary, Gary. I think he's here. GARY : Who ? EUGENE : The alien, my alien. I think he's come back to claim what's rightfully his. Gary says nothing just looks at Eugene vacantly, EUGENE : Gary I'd stopped believing in his, I mean, I thought I was a total sucker but who else would be bidding this kind of money for a prosthetic eye ? He couldn't contact me any other way so... GARY : So he chose Ebay ? EUGENE : Well cyberspace. I mean even an online auction has a certain elegant symmetry. Think I'm finally gonna meat him. [SCENE_BREAK] MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY - DAY Gary, Gwen and Eugene continue walking through the museum, Gary telling them what happened. GARY : Well I was doubtful at first you know and then suddenly, out of nowhere, bang, fifteen thousand, then the bid jumped to a cool, cowing fifteen thousand. EUGENE : Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember us talking. GWEN : I thought it was fifteen thousand and five pound fifty. Gary looks at an exhibit, not looking at Gwen, evasive. GARY : Yeah, it was yeah. I mean, I wouldn't spend that kind of money unless it's my own personal, private body part or something, would you ? EUGENE : No. GWEN : No. EUGENE : No wait, I remember, yes, I waited a couple of days and then I got an email telling me to er, come to er, come to, er, a restaurant. Gwen looks at Eugene's phone, finds the right picture. GWEN : You saw Eugene the day he died, didn't you ? GARY : Yep, I met up with him before he went to meet the alien, I had a cup of coffee, he was scared. EUGENE : Was I ? Course I was. GWEN : So he went to make the exchange, fifteen thousand five pound fifty for the eye, right ? And this was somewhere on the A48 perhaps ? GARY : Or not. GWEN : Or not ? GARY : Eugene was very secretive, could have been in Splott. GWEN : Splott. Gwen doesn't believe him. Gary looks away, Eugene speaks to him over his shoulder. EUGENE : Doesn't sound right mate. Gwen shows Gary the photos on the camera. GWEN : Who are these people with you, Gary ? Gary looks at the phone but doesn't really look at the photos so Gwen pushes the phone towards him and he takes it in one hand to look property, scrolling through the pictures. GWEN : Why would Eugene take a photo of your shoes ? And whose are the other shoes ? GARY : They're just random shoes I should think. I miss him. INT. GWEN'S FLAT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Gwen sits on the bed glancing at the photos on Eugene's phone while Eugene paces about. EUGENE : Yes, yes I can remember. I called a taxi then I put the eye in a freezer bag... Gwen puts down the phone and looks through the evidence bag she put in her bag. EUGENE : And then there was this, I was walking up this road, going up towards, erm... Gwen takes a set of keys from the evidence bag and looks at it, she smiles at a little silver alien head attached, looks at the keys while Eugene talks. EUGENE : ... er, er a shiny building, with, with a great door which said something about, er, happiness, happiness... Gwen looks at a small piece of plastic with a small red face on it. EUGENE : I don't want you to find out what happened, I don't want this to end. I love you. Gwen looks towards Eugene as he says he loves her. Gwen gets off the bed and stands in front of Eugene, very close, as if she would kiss him. She cannot see Eugene, she is looking out of the window towards the bay. Gwen's reflection is seen in the darkened glass. Eugene breathes out and move's Gwen's hair very slightly, she brushes her hair back and closes the curtains. INT. GWEN'S FLAT - BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING Gwen lies in bed, asleep. Rhys is not there. Eugene lies beside Gwen and as she rolls over she stretches out her arm slightly, her hand rests near Eugene's head. Eugene smiles, pretending she did it on purpose. Gwen's phone beeps Eugene gets up, Gwen groggily finds the phone and picks it up to look. EUGENE : I thought we were on holiday. EXT. A48 - DAY Gwen drives down the A48, Eugene in the passenger seat. EUGENE : Yes, yes this is it. We came up the hill and there it was, there is was the... Gwen looks to the left and sees the restaurant sign - 'Happy Cook', with the same red face symbol she saw amongst Eugene's belongings. Gwen turns off the road to the restaurant car park. EUGENE : The Happy Cook. They both exit the car and walk towards the restaurant. EUGENE : Yeah, I walked towards the door, wondering who exactly I'd be meeting. Excited, quite stressed. sh1tting myself really. Gwen goes through the door into the restaurant, followed by Eugene. EUGENE : I opened the door, I walked in and saw... Gwen looks down and sees the woman's shoes from the photograph. GWEN : I've been looking for a pair of shoes like that for ages. EUGENE : And saw... POV EUGENE : Shot follows the waitress the tracks left [SCENE_BREAK] HAPPY COOK - PAST. Gary and Josh sit next to each other at a booth by the window. EUGENE : ...my mates. Eugene walks into the restaurant and sees Gary and Josh. Josh smiles at him. Eugene looks around then goes towards them. EUGENE : Hi guys, good to see ya. But erm, I've got the rendezvous. JOSH : It's us. EUGENE : Yeah I know but he won't want a crowd. I'm meeting the buyer. I'm, I'm meeting the alien. JOSH : We are the alien, man. We bought it. EUGENE : What ? The waitress comes to the table and puts Gary and Josh's food on the table. WAITRESS : Here. What are you havin' ? EUGENE : Erm, I'll have a milkshake, thank you, banana. The waitress walks away and Eugene sits down opposite Gary and josh. JOSH : Yeah, so, we are the official buyers, can we see the merchandise ? Eugene wipes his forehead with a tissue then digs in his pocket for the eye. He starts to show it to Josh then pulls his hand into a fist around the eye. EUGENE : I don't quite know what you're trying to tell me here. GARY : See we did it as a joke to cheer you up. I mean, we didn't think we'd be the actual buyers. JOSH : Then he said, you said you thought it was the alien, and we thought well, that's funny init ? Common Eugene, get real. But then we thought, let him dream, man, life's short, and, really boring. So then we went on bidding and... EUGENE : You bid fifteen thousand for the eye ? JOSH : Not us, no, no way. Turns out there was real interest. GARY : Someone else bid the fifteen thou, but then, er, he got greedy. JOSH : Ketchup please. GARY : Just couldn't resist one more measly little bid, fifteen thousand and five pound fifty, and then, well nothing, nada, endville. JOSH : Okay, shut the fck up Gary. Point is, we bought it, we're the purchasers, da-dar ! EUGENE : So you've got the fifteen thousand five pound fifty on you, have you ? JOSH : Got thirty four pound. GARY : Thirty four pound, Eugene, that's not a poke in the eye, so to speak. EUGENE : I'm calling a cab. Eugene takes his mobile from his pocket angry with Gary and Josh. Josh reaches over the table to take the phone from Eugene. JOSH : Settle down. The waitress walks over with Eugene's milkshake. As she does do, Eugene take photographs of Gary, Josh and the waitress's shoes on his mobile then looks up at the waitress. WAITRESS : Banana milkshake. EUGENE : Thank you. If it's all such a sodding joke, why do you even want it ? JOSH : I got a friend, with a visual impairment. EUGENE : You're gonna re-sell it online aren't you ? You cheap little kids, you know he's out there. JOSH : Who's out there ? EUGENE : The alien, and he'll pay anything, he'll pay anything. JOSH : Eugene, man, I'm as partial as the next guy to a bit of si-fi but, what, a green geezer with six eyes ? Get real, guy ! I checked the bid history, Mr C Blackstaff is a collector of alien ephemera and Nazi memorabilia. Also, Beanie Babies. Teeny bit coo-coo but endearingly rich, and if he's willing to pay fifteen thousand... Josh makes a grab for the eye and it falls from Eugene's hand to the floor. They both go for it, falling to the floor. WAITRESS : Oi ! [SCENE_BREAK] HAPPY COOK - PRESENT Gwen and Eugene stand near to the waitress, watching her as she clears tables and tells Gwen what happened. WAITRESS : So now they're inconveniencing customers. GWEN : You stepped in. WAITRESS : Well, I tried. [SCENE_BREAK] HAPPY COOK - PAST The waitress walks over to stop them, sees the eye then picks it up. Gary lies under the table, also after the eye and sees her pick it up. The waitress holds the eye out at arms length, disgusted by it. EUGENE : (VO) I didn't really know what the eye was any more. Josh grabs the eye from the waitress and tries to leave the restaurant. Eugene grapples him and the eye falls from his hand. Eugene picks it up. EUGENE : (VO) But I was damned if I was gonna let it go for £34 and a banana milkshake. Determined that Josh and Gary cannot get the eye, Eugene puts it in his mouth and swallows it. Josh grabs Eugene from behind. JOSH : Heimlich, Heimlich ! GARY : What are you doin' ? JOSH : Getting the goods idiot ! And get the milkshake. Gary picks up the milkshake and goes over. Not really a strong enough person to ever argue with Josh he tips milkshake into Eugene's mouth while Josh ineptly tries to give him the Heimlich manoeuvre. [SCENE_BREAK] HAPPY COOK - PRESENT The waitress serves people, still talking to Gwen. WAITRESS : Well that's just not acceptable behaviour, not at a Happy Cook. They were makin' a public spectacle of themselves. [SCENE_BREAK] HAPPY COOK - PAST Gary, Josh and Eugene grapple. Josh punches Eugene in the face and Eugene manages to get out of the door. WAITRESS : And that was it. He was out the door and gone. Gary and Josh enter. WAITRESS : Oh my God that is so weird ! Gwen looks round, Eugene walks past the waitress towards Gary and Josh, angry with them now he remembers what they did. EUGENE : You bastards, you are so dead ! I knew Josh was a dickhead but Gary, we were, I mean, we were mates. Eugene stands in front of Gary, speaking to him. Josh faces the waitress. JOSH : Hi doll. WAITRESS : Are you talking to me ? Eugene comes to stand next to the waitress and look at Josh. The waitress looks scornfully at Josh. JOSH : Yeah, sorry, er, look. I dunno if you remember us from last week. WAITRESS : Yeah. JOSH : Yeah, now thing is there may be people coming in to ask questions. A woman specifically and I think that to would be in your best interests if... Gary has seen Gwen. GARY : Shut up, Josh. JOSH : The woman was complying man ! Josh looks round and sees Gwen who waves at him from a distance away. JOSH : Okay, cool. Josh tries to run away but Gary trips him and he falls onto his back. JOSH : What did you do that for, twat ! GARY : I miss him ! Gary sits down upset rather than leaving. Eugene stands looking out of the window at the road while Gwen talks to Gary and josh. GWEN : So, he ran out the door and you two ran after him ? GARY : Yeah, we chased him across a car park but Eugene was quite fast, Josh had new shoes, he was making a fuss. JOSH : Hey, hey, you are overweight. GARY : He hared across a road and we lost him. Honest to God. GWEN : Okay. GARY : That's it. GWEN : Okay. Gwen stands up and walks over to stand next to Eugene looking out at the road. Gwen dials a number on her mobile and puts the phone to her ear while it rings. EUGENE : All those cars, all those lives moving through space. GWEN : (Into phone) Hello, can you give me number for Filey Garage, Filey Road, Cardiff please ? EUGENE : All that humanity whizzing by in a frenzy of... INTERCUT WITH : Eugene running across a field, looking behind him for Gary and josh. EUGENE : ...burgers and chips. Bank holiday fun, burst tyres, screaming kids, sudden heart attacks. GWEN : (Into phone) Put me through thanks. Mr Jones, you don't know me but, I'm a friend of your son Eugene. I've got some bad news I'm afraid. EUGENE : (VO) Now I remember. [SCENE_BREAK] Eugene running across a field. EUGENE : (VO) Apart from a buzzing in my ear where Josh whacked me I felt good. I was running across a field on a Saturday morning. The smell of exhaust and banana milkshake, a slight nausea, heart beating too fast 'cause I wasn't that fit. Eugene runs into a road without noticing, pauses in the middle, catching his breath. A red car approaches. EUGENE : (VO) All the stuff that tells you you're alive. The car slams on it's breaks but can't stop in time. Josh looks round just before it hit him. He is knocked onto the bonnet, over the roof of the car and over the boot onto the ride of the road where he rolls to a stop on the grass. He lies on the grass verge dead. The car has carried on. EUGENE : (VO) By rights I should be well pissed off. My mates had cheated on me and I didn't get to meet any aliens. [SCENE_BREAK] EUGENE'S FUNERAL EUGENE : (VO) But I realised that when I swallowed the eye at the happy cook, I was given a chance... Eugene walks between the pews at his funeral, as the few mourners sing a hymn. EUGENE : ...to look back on my life and see what it really was. Eugene pauses and looks across to see Gary standing near the front singing. EUGENE : (VO) Gary, I'm gonna miss you. Not the biggest turn out you can hope for but still. I wish I could... Eugene moves around, looking at the attendees. He sees Gwen and faces her. EUGENE : God Gwen, I wish I could say thank you. And here he is, my dad. Only fourteen years late. The congregation sits and Bromwen goes to the lectern, crying, to speak, about to read from a piece of paper. EUGENE : (VO) So now I know it wasn't my fault my dad left and of course he wasn't superman, or even an alien, he's just an ordinary bloke. Bromwen is unable to speak and Shaun takes the stage instead, helping her with a consoling hand on her shoulder as she leaves. SHAUN : Er, Eugene, he was a good boy, but somehow, things went wrong. I wasn't there. I wish I could have seen him before... EUGENE : (VO) An ordinary bloke, who made a mess of things. SHAUN : (Cracked singing, getting stronger) Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are callin' from, glen to glen, from door to mountainside and summer's gone and all the flowers dying 'cause you must go and I must stay behind in, but come ye back when summer's in the meadow, oh when the valley's hushed and white with snow, and I'll be there in sunshine and in shadow... The coffin starts to move and Eugene runs to it. EUGENE : No. SHAUN : ...Oh Danny boy... EUGENE : Not yet. The coffin sinks as Eugene watches it, his body about to be cremated. EUGENE : (VO) Dad made a mess of things, he went away, and that's a shame really, it's a terrible pity, because we missed each other completely. [SCENE_BREAK] Cemetery. Gwen walks slowly from the crematorium, Eugene stands looking out over the cemetery speaking to her. EUGENE : You know 28 is one of those perfect numbers, it's equal to the sum of it's devisors. Gwen turns, looks at Eugene. EUGENE : I'm 28. I was 28. Gwen walks to Eugene, looks sadly over the cemetery. EUGENE : I think I'm gonna have to go soon Gwen. GWEN : Oh, God. EUGENE : Yeah. Gwen starts to walk away, she stops when Eugene speaks again. EUGENE : Also, 28 centimetres per second is the top speed of a lone lobster. A door opens from the crematorium and a man comes out. Gwen turns to speak to him. GWEN : Oh, hi. The man hands Gwen a paper bag. GWEN : Thank you, I'm sorry I had to ask you to do that. MAN : Yeah, no problem. The man shuts the door and Gwen looks inside the bag, the eye lies at the bottom. EXT. EUGENE'S HOUSE - DAY People in black mill about in Eugene's drive, people waiting for those that attended the funeral to come home for the wake. EUGENE : (VO) So, if it's the eye that's been keeping me here, now it's no longer inside me, why the hell am I still hanging around ? Eugene walks down the road towards his house followed by Gwen who clutches the bag to her. GWEN : Eugene, the eye is in the bag now, rather than in you, I hope... The Torchwood SUV pulls up beside Gwen and Jack, Toshiko and Owen get out and walk to her. OWEN : Hello stranger. JACK : Did you get it ? GWEN : Yeah, I got it. Gwen holds open the bag for Jack and he takes out the eye, looks at it with a whistle. JACK : Impressive. OWEN : Well we haven't done the tests yet so... TOSHIKO : Common, we've gotta go. They start to get into the car and Gwen looks over at Eugene's house, notices something and starts to walk over. GWEN : Jack, can you give me five ? JACK : Yeah. A taxi pulls up outside Eugene's house and Shaun gets out. He walks onto the drive to Bromwen and Terry. He holds out his hand to Terry, watched by Eugene. EUGENE : (VO) In the average lifetime the human heart will beat 2 million times, you will produce over eight thousand gallons of saliva, and grow three hundred and fifty miles of hair. An SUV drives at speed down the road. Gwen steps into the road not paying any attention, staring in happiness at Shaun getting back with his family. EUGENE : (VO) You'll eat the equivalent in weight of 6 elephants. Oh, isn't life amazing. Eugene sees the SUV approaching Gwen as it passes Torchwood. He runs towards her and pushes her out of the way just before the car hits her. EUGENE : Gwen ! Gwen ! The eye rolls to a drain but does not fall in. Jack, Toshiko and Owen walk over to Gwen. Gwen lies on her back with Eugene crouches over her. She sees him, surprised. GWEN : Hi. Oh my God, Eugene ! EUGENE : Are you okay ? GWEN : It is so good to see you. Eugene you're on my leg ! EUGENE : Oh sorry. GWEN : No, it's fine, it's fine. It's fine. Jack, Toshiko and Owen stand looking at Gwen, Eugene looks up at them. EUGENE : Can they see me ? The mourners on Eugene's drive look at Eugene. EUGENE : They can see me. Thanks. GWEN : No, thank you, thank you, you just saved my life. EUGENE : That's okay. Gwen leans forward and kisses Eugene, he laughs. EUGENE : That's unbelievable, that's un-bloody-believable. Oh God, I think that's it. Eugene picks up the eye from the drain and hands it to Gwen as he stands. EUGENE : Goodbye, Gwen POV Eugene. Gwen sits on the pavement looking up at Eugene. GWEN : Don't go now Eugene, Eugene, please don't go now. Eugene, please. Please ! Track upwards, pulling out to a view of Britain, the world, Earth growing smaller as Eugene speaks. EUGENE : (VO) The average human life is full of near misses and absolute hits, of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes and loft insulation and random shoes, it's dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing. What you've got to realise is it's all here, now so breathe deep and swallow it whole because, take it from me life just whizzes by and then all of a sudden it's... Darkness and a flash of white light. CLOSING CREDITS Paul Chequer - Eugène Jones / Luke Bromley - young Eugène / Roger Ashton-Griffiths - Mr Garrett / Steven Meo - Josh / Celyn Jones - Gary / Robyn Isaac - Linda / Gareth Potter - Shaun Jones / Joshua Hughes - Terry Jones / Amy Starling - Serveuse / Leroy Liburd - serveur du café / Ryan Chappell - Pete.	Plan: A: the team; Q: Who knew Eugene Jones was obsessed with alien life? A: Eugene Jones; Q: Who was the victim of a fatal hit-and-run? A: the middle; Q: Where does Eugene Jones wake up on a road? A: a fatal hit-and-run incident; Q: What is the cause of Eugene Jones' death? A: Gwen; Q: Who investigates the circumstances surrounding Eugene's death? A: a mysterious alien eye; Q: What does Eugene recall about the events leading up to his death? Summary: Known to the team as being obsessed with alien life, Eugene Jones wakes up in the middle of a road and discovers that he has been the victim of a fatal hit-and-run incident. As Gwen investigates the suspicious circumstances around his fatality, Eugene recalls events leading up to his death, involving a mysterious alien eye.
"The Salt in the Wounds" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (City Maintenance Storage Unit, two workers walking towards a truck.) TESS: Operation says we've got a black ice alert on the bridges. DARLENE: Weather guys are like psychics, man, they don't know squat! TESS: I went to a psychic once, talked to my mother. Mom even bothered me dead. DARLENE: All of the bridges? TESS: All of 'em! Okay, fill me up. (They reach the truck, DARLENE pushes a button and salt starts pouring into the truck.) (DARLENE sees something fall into the truck, and stops the salt.) TESS: What's up? DARLENE: Something in the salt. (She glances into the truck.) DARLENE: Aah! TESS: What is it? DARLENE: You know that Bible story about the woman who turns into salt? TESS: Lot's wife? DARLENE: I think maybe we found her! (Camera pans to a body/skeleton lying in the salt.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to later, police have arrived at the scene, Brennan is in the truck, and Booth climbs up.) BOOTH: So, the weather's been warm for the past six weeks, wow, so they haven't had to use rock salt. BRENNAN: The dermis is extremely desiccated, the salt quick-dried the tissues. (She is examining the body of a young woman, covered in salt crystals.) BOOTH: Looks like a really big Apple doll. BRENNAN: Teenage girl. Very tall, six feet. BOOTH: Looks like she's been dead for about a hundred years. BRENNAN: No, in fact less than a month. Salt is hygroscopic. It draws moisture from its surroundings and replaces it with crystals. BOOTH: You know what? I suddenly got a potato chip craving. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Jeffersonian, Angela Montenegro is talking to her girlfriend, Roxie Lyon.) ANGELA: Cats are so disdainful. ROXIE: They're independent and self-assured. Like you. ANGELA: Dog? (She holds up a photograph of a dog.) ANGELA: Cat? (She holds up a photograph of a cat.) ANGELA: What'cha gonna pick? ROXIE: Uh, this is a lion eating a gazelle. What's with the sudden pet desire? We're not even living together. ANGELA: Yet. Look at him, Rox. Look at his warm, brown eyes. (She holds up the photograph, and they both smile and laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to shot of intern Arastoo Vaziri praying on the floor of the Jeffersonian lab near the platform.) BRENNAN: He's going to do this five times a day. CAM: Mr. Vaziri is Iranian, he's an observant Muslim. HODGINS: Bright side? We'll always know which way is East. BRENNAN: I don't know if this is going to work out, Dr. Saroyan. CAM: This country was founded on the notion of religious tolerance. (The camera pans to a shot of the dead body lying on a table and they move around it.) BRENNAN: Well, I'm not discriminating because he is a Muslim. I find all religions equally irrational. (Arastoo comes running up to the platform.) ARASTOO: Thank you for your patience! BRENNAN: I had no choice; apparently it's a constitutional issue. (They both look towards a screen with x-rays.) ARASTOO: Eeh. Trauma to the temporal and sphenoid region, with buckling on the outer edges, probably from being dropped from the bin. Bonk. CAM: I see some red fibers. HODGINS: Oh, that's me. BRENNAN: Mr. Vaziri, do you see the ante-mortem skeletal trauma? ARASTOO: Significant remodeling of the metacarpophalangeal joint on the right thumb, a snap, an old fracture to the little finger, crack, and a bone chip at the dorsal radial portion of the left wrist. HODGINS: Pop? ARASTOO: I've seen this before in cases of abuse. A girl who was handcuffed to a radiator in order to preserve her virginity. (Angela enters the platform.) ANGELA: Well, it turns out, there aren't that many 16-year-old girls who are six feet tall on the missing persons list. (She hands over a printout with a girl's photograph and some information.) BRENNAN: Ashley Clark. Missing three weeks. ANGELA: So... Roxie and I are getting a dog. HODGINS: Wow. I had Roxie pegged as a cat person. (Arastoo turns around upon hearing talk about Roxie.) ANGELA: Hey! I'm Angela. ARASTOO: Oh. Arastoo Vaziri. Uhm, y-your boyfriend's name is Rocky? Like, pow? Like the famous boxer? ANGELA: No, uh, Roxie. BRENNAN: Angela's boyfriend is a girl. Perhaps your religion won't allow you to accept that. CAM: Blood chemistry shows unusually high levels of relaxin. ANGELA: Relaxin? Sounds like something you could get arrested for taking. BRENNAN: It's a naturally occurring hormone, secreted during pregnancy. CAM: So, if she was handcuffed to protect her virginity... Didn't work out so well. [SCENE_BREAK] (Intro music) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT II (Booth and Brennan are sitting with Ashley Clark's parents, Ellen and Bob Clark, at their house.) BOB CLARK: We last saw Ashley the afternoon before her high school dance. ELLEN CLARK: It was the end of winter dance. I remember because we made a bunch of jam that day and Ashley was worried that she'd smell like raspberries. BOOTH: Ashley never made it to the dance? (Ellen shakes her head.) BOB: We had to wait 24 hours before she was officially missing. BOOTH: Were there any major developments in your daughter's life in the weeks leading up to her death? ELLEN: He means drugs. Was Ashley doing drugs. BRENNAN: No, we don't mean drugs. BOOTH: No, no drugs. Were you aware that your daughter was pregnant? BRENNAN: Approximately twelve weeks. ELLEN: Pregnant? Ashley couldn't have been pregnant. BRENNAN: She was. Do you have any idea who might be the father? BOB: Is that who you think killed her? The father of her child? BOOTH: Well, we'd like to talk to him. ELLEN: My daughter and I were very close, and it simply isn't possible that she wouldn't tell me she was pregnant. BRENNAN: I would appreciate some insight into the high number of injuries your daughter sustained since puberty. ELLEN: So now you're saying that we abused our daughter? BOB: It's alright, they have to ask... My daughter was an athlete. She grew almost two feet over the last four years. You can confirm the injuries with her chiropractor. BOOTH: We are very sorry for your loss, sir. (He hands them his card.) ELLEN: Then you shouldn't say such terrible things. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the chiropractor's office, where Booth and Brennan talk to Dr. Sean Fitts.) DR. FITTS: Ashley wasn't a victim of abuse. She was the victim of athleticism and a competitive disposition. See this remodeling of the right thumb, the little finger, the dorsal radial portion of her wrist? (He points to a screen with x-rays.) BRENNAN: Volleyball, of course. DR. FITTS: That's right, that's very good. BRENNAN: Patella tendonitis. BOOTH: Jumper's knee! BRENNAN: How did you know that? BOOTH: Athlete, Bones. Thanks, Dr. Fitts, we appreciate your help. DR. FITTS: Yeah. (He hands Brennan an envelope with the x-rays.) BRENNAN: Thanks. BOOTH: Were you aware that Ashley Clark was pregnant? DR. FITTS: No! No, her last appointment was about six weeks ago. She didn't mention it. BRENNAN: Despite the fact that you aren't a real medical doctor, you have been quite helpful. Thanks. (She starts walking towards the door, but turns when Dr. Fitts speaks to her.) DR. FITTS: Oh, you're welcome. Oh, and by the way... You aren't a real medical doctor either. BOOTH: Ouch. (Booth and Brennan leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to a lab at the Jeffersonian, Cam and Arastoo are examining Ashley Clark's body, removing the top of her skull.) ARASTOO: No hematoma, meaning the skull was fractured post-mortem. Probably when the body tumbled out of the overhead bin. Clunk. CAM: Very descriptively put. ARASTOO: It has been pointed out to me that I tend towards onomatopoeia. (Brennan comes into the room.) BRENNAN: Dr. Saroyan! Why hasn't the body been defleshed? CAM: I'm still conducting the autopsy. BRENNAN: Well, if I can't remove the flesh, then I can't find cause of death. CAM: If you remove the flesh, I can't find cause of death. BRENNAN: What flesh? The body is completely desiccated. Any remaining indicators are going to come from the bones. CAM: Not if I can rehydrate the tissue. ARASTOO: Paleontologists have used Ruffer's solution successfully on mummies...but shush. CAM: The salt arrested bacterial development, there's no decomp. If I can rehydrate, I can do a proper autopsy. BRENNAN: No, it will take too long and a positive result is debatable. CAM: Lucky for me, I'm the boss. BRENNAN: I claim one of my freebies. CAM: I claim one of my freebie-declines. (Brennan angrily leaves the room and Cam sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth's FBI office. Bob Clark knocks on the door.) BOOTH: Come on in. What can I do for you, Mr. Clark? (Bob Clark sits down in front of Booth's desk as Booth moves behind it.) BOB: I, uh, wanted to tell you that I suspected my daughter was pregnant. BOOTH: Alright, have a seat. And you, uh, didn't wanna say anything in front of your wife? BOB: No. I found a pregnancy test in the wastebasket in the bathroom. BOOTH: Your wife is still young enough to have children. BOB: Sexual intercourse has not been a part of our marriage in several years. BOOTH: Did you talk to Ashley about the pregnancy test? BOB: Yes, but she denied that it was hers. She said it was a friend's. She asked me not to tell my wife. She called it a father/daughter secret. BOOTH: Was there a boy in Ashley's life? BOB: Ashley argued about a boy with her friend Becca. I overheard it on the phone. Didn't get a name. BOOTH: I see. Well, I'll look into it. (Mr. Clark gets up to leave.) BOB: Uh, I hope my wife doesn't have to find out that I kept this huge secret from her. I don't think she'd forgive me. BOOTH: Forgive you? BOB: Considering how it turned out... (Mr. Clark leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Angela and Roxie in the lab.) ANGELA: His name is Donatello, and he's a rescue, and he needs a good home. One caveat, though - he's afraid of the wind. (Roxie looks sad.) ANGELA: Wow, you really don't want this dog, do you? Is it because Donatello is a stupid name? (Roxie looks over to her, with tears in her eyes.) ANGELA: ...yeah. You're breaking up with me. (Roxie looks over at her, looking like she's confirming it, but doesn't know what to say.) ANGELA: You don't have to say anything, Rox, it's okay. ROXIE: I do wanna say something. Ange, you live in the moment, I know that, but moments are fleeting. They pass. ANGELA: Yeah, but we decide when the moments pass. ROXIE: This one has passed. ANGELA: Yeah... ROXIE: I've gotta think about the future. ANGELA: Okay. (Roxie gets up, kisses Angela on the cheek and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth at the FBI building, by the vending machine.) BOOTH: You gotta be kidding me. (He's struggling with the vending machine, punching and shaking it. Becca Hedgepeth appears behind him, looking very pregnant.) BECCA HEDGEPETH: Excuse me, agent Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BECCA: I'm Becca Hedgepeth. They told me I could find you here. BOOTH: Wow. Ashley Clark's friend. BECCA: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT III (Booth and Becca are sitting in a hallway in the FBI building.) BOOTH: So you heard that Ashley was murdered on the news, right? BECCA: Yeah. BOOTH: It's my job to find out who did it. BECCA: 'Kay. Well, I hope you do. BOOTH: According to her father, he said the two of you got into a fight and you stopped coming to the house. BECCA: That's just because Ashley went behind my back with my boyfriend. BOOTH: What's your boyfriend's name? BECCA: Well, ex-boyfriend. Rory Davis. Wait. Do you think that I was jealous enough to kill my best friend? Or, are you saying Rory did it? BOOTH: Well, you're pregnant. Emotions run high during that situation. BECCA: Me and Ashley would've gotten past it. Because she broke up with Rory too. BOOTH: Looks like I'm gonna have to talk to "Love 'em and leave 'em"-Rory. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the lab, Cam, Hodgins and Arastoo are about to submerge the body in a tank.) CAM: Okay, very careful, the tissue is fragile. HODGINS: Alright, ready? On my count. One. Two... We're gonna completely submerge her in a bath of sodium carbonate, aqueous formalin and ethyl alcohol. Good. And somewhere between 24 and 48 hours from now, she should look practically human again. Ready? And, go. (The fluid starts being sprayed onto the body.) HODGINS: I got the trace back on those red fibers you found in her hair. They're tri-lobal, two red strands, one blue strand woven together. Given the length and texture, they definitely came form an automobile. ARASTOO. But the killer must have transported Ashley's body from wherever she was killed into the salt pile. CAM: Can you narrow down what kind of car? HODGINS: Yeah, I'm running the fibers through FACID, that should be able to give Booth make and model and year. (An alarm on Arastoo's watch beeps.) ARASTOO: Oh, time-out for Allah. (Arastoo leaves the room, while Angela is entering it.) ANGELA: Hey, Arastoo. ARASTOO: Hello, Angela. (Arastoo leaves, and Angela heads towards Cam and Hodgins.) ANGELA: Hey. Uh, listen, do you need me any more here today? 'Cause I could really use a... HODGINS: Angela. What's the matter? ANGELA: Roxie and I broke up, and I just... HODGINS: Uh, you know, I'm gonna take Angela for a cup of coffee, okay? CAM: Sure, yeah, go. This is a simple murder. Solves itself. (Angela and Hodgins leave the room, while Cam looks down at the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth and Brennan entering a high school weight room.) BOOTH: Okay. Rory Davis? (Rory Davis is bench pressing, with Clinton Gilmour as his spotter.) RORY DAVIS: Yeah? CLINTON GILMOUR: Whoa, a little warning, dude, I'm only the Hulk when I get pissed. BOOTH: Listen, we'd like to talk to you about Ashley Clark. RORY: It wasn't me. BRENNAN: It wasn't you who - what? RORY: Becca texted me, saying that you think I killed Ashley, but I didn't. (Booth looks towards Clinton.) BOOTH: Excuse me, you wanna give me a moment here, I'd like to talk to him alone? CLINTON: Dude, you're a murder suspect! That's awesome. (Booth clears his throat and Clinton leaves.) BRENNAN: Becca said that you and Ashley connected sexually. BOOTH: Yeah, her exact words were "got all over"? RORY. This is completely not fair. BRENNAN: That you had sx with two girls and they got pregnant? RORY: We didn't have sx! BRENNAN: Pregnancy is unlikely without intercourse. BOOTH: Right. Thanks for the tip, Bones, yeah. RORY: No, we didn't have intercourse. I'm a Christian, I'm not gonna have intercourse until I'm married. BOOTH: Okay, so you got two girls pregnant, but you didn't have sx with either one of them? RORY: Well, uh, I think some of, uh, my...you know, stuff, may have found its way in there. I mean, the way Ashley came after me, it's like she was really, really...trying... BRENNAN: To get your sperm? RORY: Yeah, well, if it wasn't for my faith in Jesus, there would have been sexual intercourse. BOOTH: How did your relationship with Ashley end? RORY: Bad. Ashley was mad at me. Becca was mad at me. I did everything right, and it turned out all wrong. BOOTH: Mm. Did Ashley have any arguments with anyone else? BRENNAN: Or try to get their sperm? RORY: She had some sort of fight with Mr. Hawthorne. I heard it from the weight room. BOOTH: Who's Mr. Hawthorne? RORY: He's the volleyball coach. BOOTH: Where would he be? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the basement of the Jeffersonian, we find Hodgins and Angela in Cleopatra's bed, between loads of Egyptian artifacts.) ANGELA: Wow. That was great. HODGINS: Like I told you, I'll always be there for you when you need comforting. ANGELA: Heh, I didn't need comfort. But I needed a good tumble. HODGINS: Potat-oh, potah-to. (He kisses her shoulder.) ANGELA: I'm fine about Roxie. People come and go in life. HODGINS: What did she say? Aside from "So long"? ANGELA: Basically, she said she wants somebody who doesn't just live in the moment, but who considers the future. What's wrong with the moment? HODGINS: Nothing. ANGELA: But? HODGINS: But it's nice every once in a while to think about the future. (Angela starts to get out of the bed.) ANGELA: So let me get this straight. To be together, then it has to be all about the future? HODGINS: Yeah. ANGELA: So, this, right now, this isn't together? HODGINS: It was a moment. A great moment, but like all great moments, it passed. (Angela gets up and leaves, but Hodgins notices she has forgotten her earring.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth, Brennan and coach Adam Hawthorne walking down a set of stairs at the high school.) BOOTH: We heard that you got into a loud argument with Ashley. BRENNAN: With shouting. COACH HAWTHORNE: That's true. Two fights, in fact. The first one was when she failed to seduce me, and the second, a couple of moths later, when she threatened to name me as the father of her child if I didn't give her five grand. BRENNAN: Uh, she tried to seduce you? COACH HAWTHORNE: Alright, seduce isn't the right word. Look, that girl came at me like.... BOOTH: So, Ashley Clark tried to blackmail you? COACH HAWTHORNE: In case you're thinking that drove me to murder, you can check with the principal. I reported it. What with the way things are, I figured that that was the smartest move. BRENNAN: The way things are? COACH HAWTHORNE: Half my volleyball team got pregnant. BOOTH: We're gonna need a team roster. COACH HAWTHORNE: Well, if you wanna talk to them, go to the multi-purpose room. They're having another baby shower. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the multi-purpose room, where a group of girls, several pregnant, are having a baby shower.) BOOTH. Oh, you've got to be kidding me. This school ever hear of sx education? BRENNAN: Well, if so, there's gaps in the curriculum. BOOTH: That's for sure. (Pan to Becca, who is standing next to and talking to a girl, Alyssa Howland, who is holding an infant.) BECCA: These are the people I was telling you about. ALYSSA HOWLAND: Okay. (Booth and Brennan approach Becca.) BOOTH: That's Becca. ALYSSA: Hello! Hi, I'm Alyssa Howland. You guys have already spoken to Becca and Rory, so I imagine you're here about Ashley Clark. BOOTH: Wow. This texting thing is way out of control. BRENNAN: Were you by any chance the captain of the volleyball team? BECCA: Alyssa was the captain of all our teams. ALYSSA: Yeah, and I'm also valedictorian and student body president. Or I was until people decided that I was a bad example. BRENNAN: Well, as alpha female, you are a bad example. ALYSSA: Hey! BRENNAN: I'm sorry, but in this day and age of available contraception and easily accessed information, for a teen girl to become pregnant is clearly a lapse in judgment. BOOTH: Okay, girls, you do realize this is a murder investigation? ALYSSA: Oh, yeah, we understand that. BECCA: Yeah, we're quite intelligent. BOOTH: Right. So, Rory Davis was not the father of your child. BECCA: I never said he was. BRENNAN: And he wasn't the father of Ashley's baby either, was he? ALYSSA: No. No, as a matter of fact, the same guy is the father of my baby and Becca's. BECCA: And Ashley's. BRENNAN: What about the rest of them? BECCA: Jenny? ALYSSA: Yeah, uhm, her. And the others got pregnant by their boyfriends and whatnot. BRENNAN: So one boy is the father of four babies? ALYSSA: Mhm. BOOTH: Okay, and who would this stud be? ALYSSA: It's Clinton. BRENNAN: Oh. President Bill Clinton? (The girls laugh.) BECCA: Ew, no. ALYSSA: Clinton Gilmour. (She points him out and they wave.) ALYSSA: The cute one in the yellow shirt. BOOTH: The one in the yellow?! (Clinton leaves the multi-purpose room, and Booth and Brennan stand there, confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT IV (Cut to the weight room, Booth enters and finds Clinton putting small weight plates onto a bar.) BOOTH: Clinton? CLINTON: What? BOOTH: Alyssa Howland says that you had sx with the entire volleyball team. CLINTON: The girls' volleyball team, and not all of them. I don't like to boast. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. (He lies down on the bench and starts lifting the bar.) BOOTH: How old are you? CLINTON: Sixteen. My personality is completely formed. BOOTH: How'd you get those four girls pregnant? (Clinton gets up from the bench.) CLINTON: You want pictures? Check the Internet, that's what I did. (Booth starts adding heavier weights to the bar, eventually lying down to lift them.) BOOTH: Right. You know, I show no disrespect. I went to high school, and high school has not changed. The fact is, from what I remember, guys like you can't get that many girls. You know what I'm saying? CLINTON: Wait, you can't lift that. (Booth does a series of lifts.) CLINTON: Wow. BOOTH: Alright, see, the point is, I can do that, but I didn't get girls like that in high school. So, what you're saying happened really didn't happen, huh? CLINTON: Like a conspiracy. The conspiracy is that they like me. I'll tell you something else. More than one of them told me that I'm actually very considerate and sweet in the bed department. BOOTH: Ashley is dead. She was murdered. The prime suspect would be the person who knocked her up. I need to know the person who did that deed. CLINTON: It was me. The sx deed-part! The killing part was definitely somebody else. BOOTH: You know what I think? I think those girls are up to something, and they're using you as a cover. It's okay. We'll just do a DNA test, and the truth will come out. Alright? (Booth heads towards the door, while Clinton shouts to him.) CLINTON: Take my DNA, and you'll find out the truth! I am the MacDaddy Supremo Baby Daddy of G.O.W. High School! (Booth leaves the weight room.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Jeffersonian, Arastoo is staring at the body in the tank. CAM: The Ruffer's solution is working. ARASTOO: I find myself wondering if the rate of tissue reclamation will accelerate over time, decelerate or hold steady. CAM: You're worried about what to tell Dr. Brennan. (Arastoo turns towards Cam.) ARASTOO: If Dr. Brennan asks, when do you think we will have access to the bones? CAM: Tell Dr. Brennan that unless she can think of a way to examine the bones while leaving the flesh intact, you're both out of luck. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Founding Fathers Bar, a reporter on TV is talking while Angela and Brennan eat and watch.) REPORTER: During the investigation into the death of high school sophomore Ashley Clark, it was discovered the presumed murder victim was part of a group of girls who made a pact to get pregnant and raise their children together. (The camera pans from the TV to Angela and Brennan, and the noise from the TV fades out.) BRENNAN: No, there was no proof that there was a pact. ANGELA: See, this is what happens when all you worry about is the future. Pregnant teenagers. BRENNAN: I would argue that most pregnant teenagers get that way by becoming involved in the moment. ANGELA: Yeah. True. BRENNAN: Are you alright? ANGELA: Oh, yeah. Totally. It was so worth it. BRENNAN: Will you be able to remain BBFs? ANGELA: B-F-Fs. Best friends forever. BRENNAN: Oh. Will you resume a sexual relationship with Hodgins? ANGELA: I already did. BRENNAN: Oh. Well, good. ANGELA: Yeah, but he can't keep it casual. He's the marrying kind. BRENNAN: I am comfortable giving you advice in this area. ANGELA: Shoot. BRENNAN: I think you live your life very well. ANGELA: Thank you. BRENNAN: You are not afraid to change your mind when conditions change. ANGELA: Conditions always change. BRENNAN: The successful organism is the organism that adapts. This is one area where we are very similar. ANGELA: I was with you until there. BRENNAN: Like me, you are not swept away by your emotions. You remain rational. You use your brain to pick someone for sx and companionship. ANGELA: Uh, a minor correction there: I use my heart. BRENNAN: That is not - ANGELA: Metaphoric heart, sweetie. Stay with me here, right? Love, like art, comes from the moments where two people become one. BRENNAN: Minor correction: Love comes from a confluence of chemicals and hormones in the pineal gland. ANGELA: Right. But all beauty is transient and of the moment. BRENNAN: Like a sunset is beautiful. ANGELA: You know, it sounds like we are in agreement, which is worrying me just a little bit. (Brennan's cellphone vibrates, and she looks down at it.) BRENNAN: Hodgins says he found pectin in the scratches he swabbed on the victim's arm. ANGELA: How did he find scratches? The victim looked like beef jerky. BRENNAN: Well, apparently Cam had some limited success in rehydrating the body. ANGELA: That's impressive. BRENNAN: Yes. Pectin is used in making preserves, right? ANGELA: Sure, I remember that from growing up a farm girl in Amish country. (Brennan gives her an odd look.) ANGELA: Sarcasm, Brennan. I'm sorry. (Brennan gets up to leave.) BRENNAN: The victim and her mother were making jam the afternoon before she disappeared. ANGELA: Have you ever noticed that a sunset looks more beautiful when you share it with somebody that you care about? BRENNAN: No. I haven't. But I'll pay better attention next time. ANGELA: Okay. (Brennan leaves the bar, leaving Angela there.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to an interrogation room at the FBI building. Booth is interrogating Ellen Clark.) BOOTH: So, we have evidence that you scratched your daughter shortly before she died. ELLEN: I grabbed her arm is all. BOOTH: Hard enough to leave marks? (Booth shows her photographs of her daughter's arm.) BOOTH: Was it because you found out she was pregnant? ELLEN: No. I still find that hard to believe, Ashley and I talked about everything. (Brennan and Sweets are standing in an adjacent room, watching the interrogation through a two-way mirror.) BRENNAN: Why can't this woman face the facts? SWEETS: Perhaps because the facts are so painful. BRENNAN: Do you suspect the father of incest? SWEETS: It would explain the mother's behavior. ELLEN: I didn't know about the pregnancy, I was angry because... (She hands Booth a piece of paper.) BOOTH: You wrote your daughter a check for $5,000? ELLEN: No, she forged my signature. I caught her before she could cash it. BOOTH: Why did Ashley need $5,000? ELLEN: I don't know. She wouldn't say, she just...was always hanging around Becca and the rest of that team, and suddenly I didn't exist. And now the news is saying that she had some kind of pact. (Sweets speaks into a microphone.) SWEETS: Booth, I have a theory. BOOTH: Can you excuse me for a moment there, Mrs. Clark? (Booth leaves the interrogation room and heads into the adjacent room.) BOOTH: What do you got? SWEETS: Okay, it's possible that Ashley Clark was killed by the pact for not coming up with the $5,000. BOOTH: So you think this whole pact-thing is true? BRENNAN: There have been many instances in history where women group together to raise their children, and the men become nothing more to them than sperm donors. The "walking marriages" of the Mosuo in the Himalayas, for example. BOOTH: Right. Okay, so you think that the Himalayan Momos just killed each other when things got dicey? BRENNAN: Killing is a more male response. Women tend more toward shunning. SWEETS: I might be able to figure out the nature of the girls' relationship. BOOTH: How? SWEETS: Let me at the alpha girl. Psychologically, I mean. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the lab, where Arastoo is working in the bone room/limbo, and Cam enters.) CAM: Mr. Vaziri, do you have any idea where all the monitors on the forensic platform have gone? (She sees that Arastoo has arranged all the monitors to show an oversized x-ray version of the body.) ARASTOO: I appropriated them. I sent you an e-mail. CAM: I didn't have a monitor to check my e-mail. You have created a virtual skeleton. ARASTOO: It was your idea, Dr. Saroyan. CAM: No, I don't recall - ARASTOO: In speaking of Dr. Brennan, you said to me "Tell her that unless she can think of a way to examine the bones while leaving the flesh intact, you're both out of luck." CAM: Well, I'll make sure you get the credit for this with Dr. Brennan. ARASTOO: No, no, no, no, no. CAM: You don't want credit? ARASTOO: No, I would rather not be the person to point out to Dr. Brennan that she was incorrect about retaining the soft tissue at the expense of exposing the skeleton. CAM: Meaning you found something? ARASTOO: I would never have seen this on the actual bone, but when I blew up the digital x-ray... (He shows Cam a blown up version of an x-ray.) ARASTOO: Here, in the middle ear, there is a hairline fracture on the stapes. CAM: What does that suggest to you? ARASTOO: Violence, Dr. Saroyan. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT V (Cut to Angela sitting in her office, sipping tea, while Arastoo pokes his head in the door.) ARASTOO: Ms. Montenegro? ANGELA: Yeah. Hi, Arastoo, how are you? ARASTOO: I would like to pass onto you my condolences that your heart has been broken. CAM: Oh. Here we go. Are you gonna quote the Quran? ARASTOO: No, no. I - I put together a CD with some songs that I have found to be cathartic. "Hope There's Someone" by Mr. Antony and the Johnsons, "Breathe Me" by Sia, "Heartbeats" by Mr. José Gonzalez, "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star - this is not a person, but a band, "Lullaby of Loneliness" by Aaron English and of course, the finest of the melancholy songs, "Dust in the Wind". Very melancholy that. I wish you peace, Ms. Montenegro, and I wish that you find love again. ANGELA: Thank you, Arastoo. Thanks very much. (She gives Arastoo a hug and he leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the forensic platform, Cam is photographing the body when Arastoo arrives.) ARASTOO: Dr. Saroyan? CAM: Tell Dr. Brennan she cannot have the remains yet. Hovering will not make this go any faster. ARASTOO: Dr. Brennan required me to hover. CAM: How's about you go bank a prayer, and give me a little breathing space? I apologize, I quip sometimes. ARASTOO: Believe me, it is nothing compared to the 1st Batallion, 9th Marine Regiment, Regimental Combat Team One. (He does a military salute and Cam gives him an awkward look.) CAM: Glycerin, please? (Arastoo gets the glycerin for her.) ARASTOO: What are you going to do? CAM: Ruffer's only gets us so far, so I'm going to inject some glycerin around the soft tissue of the ear. ARASTOO: Oh, to see if there's any tissue damage which might explain the fractured stapes. (Cam injects the glycerin next to the victim's ear.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to an interrogation room at the FBI building, where Sweets is interrogating Alyssa Howland.) ALYSSA: A pact? There's no pact. The papers totally made that up. SWEETS: Okay, but you are very close? ALYSSA: Yeah, we played on the same team together since we were freshmen. We've traveled a lot too. I mean, we've been through a lot together. SWEETS: Boys...? ALYSSA: Boys come and go, you know, but your friends, that's who you can really count on, right? SWEETS: Count on? ALYSSA: Yeah, they don't pressure you like boys. Like parents. SWEETS: Uh, pressure? ALYSSA: Pressure to succeed, yeah. SWEETS: Well, you're a very high achiever, Ms. Howland. Student body president, valedictorian, full scholarship to Amherst, all of which went away when you got pregnant. ALYSSA: Yeah, it's okay. I mean, I'm totally cool with being a mother. SWEETS: Is it a coincidence that once you got pregnant, seven of the others on the volleyball team did the same? ALYSSA: It's not my fault that people wanna be like me. I'm a natural leader. SWEETS: They look to you as an example. ALYSSA: It was my idea that we all get a house together. Help each other raise our kids. SWEETS: Where would the money come from? ALYSSA: Oh, uhm, I mean, we'd all put in. I'd figured out how much we'd need. SWEETS: $5,000 each. ALYSSA: That's right. Wait, how did you know? SWEETS: You said it wasn't a pact. Then how do you explain that four of you got pregnant from the same boy? He seems an unlikely choice. ALYSSA: Clinton wasn't a choice. I didn't plan the baby. I'd...just found out I'd won the scholarship, and my parents started to plan my whole life. I just went to the park, I couldn't...breathe, I couldn't think. SWEETS: Too much pressure? ALYSSA: Yeah. And Clinton was there and I was crying and I just - I felt like I was being banished. You know? I mean, nobody asked me what I wanted. And Clinton understood. And he held my hand and he let me cry and, you know, one thing led to another. And he's been great. SWEETS: Great how? ALYSSA: Well, he's a kid, you know. He doesn't really wanna raise kids. SWEETS: Right. Maybe that's why the other girls chose him to get them pregnant? ALYSSA: Yeah, yeah! And it's gonna be great. We all are gonna have these cute kids, and we'll all be there for each other. SWEETS: Except Ashley? ALYSSA: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the forensic platform, Cam and Arastoo are working.) ARASTOO: What exactly are we doing? CAM: I couldn't see any contusions around the ear, but perimortem bruising is often only visible under certain light wavelengths. ARASTOO: You're using colorimetrics? CAM: That's right. ARASTOO: I read an article in a forensic journal. A Japanese scientist published his study. CAM: We read the same article. Could you turn on the UV light? (Arastoo turns on the light, and they examine the area around the ear.) CAM: Look at that. (Brennan arrives on the platform.) BRENNAN: Are you switching teams, Mr. Vaziri? ARASTOO: No, no. My preference is forensic anthropology, but Dr. Saroyan's use of colorimetrics was thrilling. CAM: Look at the monitor. Assuming sufficient force, that perimortem bruising explains your stapes fracture. BRENNAN: The bruise is directly on top of the vagus nerve. CAM: And...? ARASTOO: Cowabunga! CAM: What? BRENNAN: When the vagus nerve is triggered with enough force, the victim will go into cardiac arrest and die. You have discovered the cause of death. (Cam looks please, Arastoo looks pleased, but worried, Brennan looks slightly annoyed.) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT VI (Cut to the autopsy room, where Brennan and Cam are examining the body.) CAM: The tissue damage is distributed evenly. BRENNAN: What does that indicate? CAM: That it was a single blow. BRENNAN: Whatever did this is completely flat and round. CAM: Some kind of hammer? (Hodgins enters the room.) HODGINS: Anyone interested in our mysterious red fiber? BRENNAN: Oh! You identified the vehicle? HODGINS: Late-model German sedan, Mercedes or BMW. CAM: Let Booth know. (Hodgins starts to leave again.) HODGINS: And just so you know, Arastoo is praying again. Either that, or he's doing a very repetitive yoga move. (Hodgins leaves.) BRENNAN: Is that appropriate in the lab? CAM: Some of us take coffee breaks, some of us take smoke breaks, Mr. Vaziri takes a spiritual break. BRENNAN: Who smokes? CAM: Nobody. Not very often, anyway, just very rarely in times of great stress. BRENNAN: If you had release the remains to me when I'd asked, and Mr. Vaziri had removed the flesh, then we'd never have found cause of death. CAM: Thank you. BRENNAN: Why are you thanking me? I'm simply stating a fact. CAM: I am thanking you for stating the fact that you were wrong. BRENNAN: Oh. You're welcome. (They both nod.) BRENNAN: The odds of hitting the vagus nerve by accident are very slight. CAM: So, do you think this was done by someone who knew what they were doing? BRENNAN: Yes. Someone who is very familiar with human anatomy. Like a physiologist or a doctor... Or a chiropractor. CAM: Let's check out the victim's chiropractor's ride. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the FBI building, Booth is entering his office, where Cam and Brennan are waiting.) BOOTH: So, Dr. Fitts drives a 2007 BMW sedan. CAM: So you got a warrant? BOOTH: There are 1,208 BMW sedans in D.C. CAM: So you didn't get a warrant? BRENNAN: But how many of those drivers know how to kill using the vagus nerve? And how many of those drivers had access to the victim? CAM: And own chiropractic tools we might be able to match with the murder weapon? BOOTH: Guys. No warrant. BRENNAN: If Booth and I hadn't questioned Dr. Fitts, we could mount one of our clever undercover operations. (They all exchange glances.) CAM: Hey, not me. But I do have a great idea. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the waiting room at Dr. Fitts' office, Sweets is posing as a patient with Angela as his significant other. Sweets is pretending to have back issues.) SWEETS: How long have we been married? ANGELA: Just concentrate on your symptoms. That's all he's gonna ask about. I'll look for this thing here. Brennan says it's the murder weapon. (She shows Sweets a drawing of a chiropractic instrument.) ANGELA: So you heard about me and Roxie? SWEETS: Yeah. I'm sorry. ANGELA: Oh, no, really, it's absolutely fine. SWEETS: Okay. ANGELA: I also had a little afternoon delight with Hodgins, but let's just say it's not really his thing. SWEETS: Again, I'm sorry. ANGELA: No, it's totally fine. SWEETS: Then why are you telling me? ANGELA: Brennan approves of the way that I conduct my love life. SWEETS: Ooh. ANGELA: Yeah. What's wrong with living in the moment? SWEETS: Nothing, nothing. As long as it's working for you. ANGELA: Oh, it is. Definitely. SWEETS: If it weren't - ANGELA: No, it is. SWEETS: Well, if it weren't - ANGELA: It is. SWEETS: If it weren't, I'd suggest to you... ANGELA: What? SWEETS: You won't like it. ANGELA: Oh, no, I'm... I'm happy living in the moment. What you say is merely interesting. SWEETS: Well, what I would advice you to do, is remove sx from the situation. ANGELA: I don't like that. SWEETS: You're a beautiful woman. You're confident in your sexuality, which is laudable, but you need to connect with people on another level. ANGELA: Why? SWEETS: Why? Because sexual attraction is only one facet of the human romantic experience. ANGELA: So, don't have sx? SWEETS: I - I'd suggest you be celibate for, say, six months. ANGELA: Oh, my G... Six months? Why not ten years? SWEETS: You asked my opinion, and that's it. Forgo sx in favor of other connections. Shouldn't we have like a cover story in order to reassure the chiropractor that we're married? (Dr. Fitts opens a door to the waiting room.) DR. FITTS: Mr. Sweets? SWEETS: Yeah. (Angela kisses his cheek.) ANGELA: Okay, honey, we're up. This is us, a happily married couple. SWEETS: Uh, help me, please. (Angela helps Sweets to get up.) ANGELA: Okay. SWEETS: Thank you. (They are now in the treatment room. Sweets is sitting on a massage table while Dr. Fitts examines him and Angela is walking casually around.) DR. FITTS: You've had some discomfort in your lower back? SWEETS: Uh, yeah, yeah. As a fireman, I often have to carry heavy - (Dr. Fitts does several maneuvers twisting Sweets' back.) SWEETS: Oh! DR. FITTS: Oh, it's very tight. It's very tight. SWEETS: Oh, ow, what are you - oh God! What are you doing? DR. FITTS: Okay, frankly, these knots I feel in your lumbar region are more congruent with sitting hunched over a desk than they are pulling people from a burning building. ANGELA: Oh, well, he's not a fireman yet, Dr. Fitts, he's just training. SWEETS: Yeah, almost. Another week. ANGELA: Spends a little too much time on the Internet, if you know what I mean. DR. FITTS: Well, I feel knots in your lumbar region. I'm going to give you a minor adjustment. This won't hurt. (He picks out an instrument from a drawer, which looks exactly like the drawing of the suspected murder weapon.) DR. FITTS: But you will feel some pressure. (Angela takes a photo of Dr. Fitts using the instrument on Sweets, and whispers to herself.) ANGELA: Not as much as you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to a montage set to "Heartbeats". We start off in the interrogation room, where Booth is interrogating Dr. Fitts, showing him the instrument, and Dr. Fitts looking guilty, followed by Angela looking at photos of herself and various previous lovers - Hodgins, Roxie, Birimbau - and putting them in a box, followed by Cam finishing up with the body, Hodgins sitting by his desk while looking at Angela's earring and then Arastoo praying while Brennan is watching.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Founding Fathers Bar, where Booth and Brennan are sitting by the bar.) BOOTH: Ashley needed $5,000 to leave home and raise her baby, so she tries to blackmail her coach. BRENNAN: But it didn't work, because he'd never had sx with her. BOOTH: Right, so she has to go and seduce the chiropractor and threatens him with statutory rape if he doesn't pay up. BRENNAN: And he killed her. BOOTH: Horrible. Wow. BRENNAN: So, are the rest of the girls still renting a house together? BOOTH: Right. You know what I don't get? How is it that eight beautiful girls could just give up their whole lives during high school? BRENNAN: It's a rational decision. BOOTH: On what planet? BRENNAN: Earth! BOOTH: Earth? BRENNAN: Given the current environment, the paradigm within which a group of girls band together to raise their offspring has merit. BOOTH: Without their fathers? BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking, those girls have grown up in a culture that reinforces the sad truism that women cannot count on men. BOOTH: Don't say "men" like that. Men do not like a world without responsibility. BRENNAN: Well, that boy whom these young girls chose as their sperm donor, he seemed more than happy with the arrangement. (Booth looks at her, thoughtfully, before getting his phone out of his pocket.) BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: You're right. BRENNAN: I know. Who are you calling? (Booth starts speaking into the phone.) BOOTH: Clinton, listen, it's Agent Booth, I need to talk to you. BRENNAN: The kid? BOOTH: Listen, meet me at the Royal Diner, uh, in 20 minutes. Yeah, just get there, okay? Thanks. I'm buying. (He hangs up the phone.) BOOTH: Look, I know you want to come along and all, but - BRENNAN: No, I get it. Go on, it's a... guy-to-guy-thing. BOOTH: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Royal Diner, where Booth and Clinton are sitting by a table.) CLINTON: Why did the chiropractor kill Ashley? BOOTH: Well, Ashley seduced him, you know, and tried to blackmail him. CLINTON: So he murdered her? Dude. BOOTH: Yeah. You know, Ashley needed money, to raise her baby. Your baby. CLINTON: You didn't think those girls would have sx with me because I can't bench press enough. BOOTH: (chuckles) DNA tests, they prove that I was wrong, so... yeah, I owe you an apology. CLINTON: I did... I told you. BOOTH: Yeah. You know what? You are a smart kid. CLINTON: I know. BOOTH: But you're also a real smart-ass kid. Okay? There's something I want you to think about, alright? s*x is never free and easy. (Booth starts taking something out of his pocket.) CLINTON: I beg to differ. BOOTH: Because the fact is, any one of these girls, they could change their mind, and you would be paying child support for the rest of your life. CLINTON: Wait. What? BOOTH: You see these four girls right here? (He lays out photos of four girls in volleyball uniforms.) BOOTH: You are responsible for bringing their children into the world. Whether they think so or not, they are your responsibility. Your children, your responsibility. Do you understand? (Clinton looks petrified.) BOOTH: And what you do about that will define what kind of man you are. CLINTON: No, no, hold on a second. BOOTH: But if you ignore that - ignore your children - that's exactly what you're going to become: A loser. A deadbeat. For the rest of your life. You know what, there's something else that you should think about. Ashley Clark? She was going to have your baby. According to our pathologist, it was gonna be a boy. CLINTON: A boy? BOOTH: Mhm. A son. (Booth rips up the photo of Ashley Clark.) BOOTH: Who died... With his mother. CLINTON: What did you have to tell me all that for? BOOTH: Because you needed to hear it. Do you understand? CLINTON: Yes. (We see Brennan watching Booth and Clinton through the window.) END.	Plan: A: Brennan; Q: Along with Booth, who investigates a petrified human body found in a mound of salt? A: a petrified human body; Q: What do Booth and Brennan investigate? A: a pregnant 16-year-old high school volleyball player; Q: What was the victim of the petrified body found in a city de-icing truck? A: nearly half; Q: How many of the volleyball player's teammates are pregnant? A: babies; Q: What have half of the volleyball team already had from the same father? A: Roxie; Q: Who breaks up with Angela? A: Hodgins; Q: Who does Roxie have a one-night stand with after breaking up with Angela? Summary: Booth and Brennan investigate a petrified human body found buried in a mound of salt in a city de-icing truck. They discover that the victim was a pregnant 16-year-old high school volleyball player, and are shocked to find that nearly half of her teammates are either pregnant or already have had babies from the same father. Meanwhile, Roxie breaks up with Angela, who, seeking solace, has a one-night stand with Hodgins.
Ryan: [entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie. Jim: No. They're in the conference room. Ryan: Good. Pam: Wait, are those Michael's Levis? Ryan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk] [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: This is a projection of the county's needs... Michael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today. Jan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um- Michael: I changed it. To Chili's. Jan: Excuse me? Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So. Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael. Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. Jan: It said that. Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor. Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting. Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip. Jan: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out. Jim: No... Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner. Toby: That is unbelievable. Pam: What is going on? Jim: We are doing worst first dates. Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. Oscar: Ok, that's a joke. Pam: No, they had to come back for me. Jim: Wait, when was this? Pam: Umm... it was not that long ago. Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck. Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Jan: Thank you. Michael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now. Jan: Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour. Michael: Well... Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? Michael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios! [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: So which way is Chili's? Michael: Uh, I'll drive. Jan: Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there. Michael: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you? Jan: I know Scranton. Michael: At all! Jan: Alright. Michael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de- Jan: If it's a couple blocks away- Michael: Dar de dar. Jan: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We should come up with a signal of some sort. Jan: Why would we need a signal? Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal- Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? Michael: Well, I... it could be either of us. Jan: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that. Michael: Yeees. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello? Christian? Christian: Yes. Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan: Just Jan Levinson. Michael: No Gould? Jan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long? Christian: No, not long. Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened? Jan: Michael. Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh- Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Michael: Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about? Jan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please? Michael: When did this happen? Jan: We're in a meeting. Michael: Ok. Hostess: This way, please. Jan: Christian. Michael: Alright, after you. Christian: Thank you. Michael: [mouths "Wow" to the camera] [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county. Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction- Michael: Awesome blossom. Jan: What? Michael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom? Christian: Sure. Michael: Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done. Jan: So- Michael: I heard a- Jan: If you have a- Michael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Jan: Christian, you don't have to listen to this. Christian: It's ok, I like jokes. Michael: Ok. Jan: Just the one. Michael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em? Michael: Yes. Pam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him- Michael: No. Pam: When- Michael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one. Pam: Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship- Michael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning? Pam: Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk] Pam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself. Jim: Agent Michael Scarn. Pam: Of the FBI. Jim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings. Pam: What is that? Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe". Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott? Everyone: Yeah, yeah. Jim: Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones. Phyllis: That's the character's name? Jim: Oh yeah- Dwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this. Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. Dwight: You took something that doesn't belong to you. Jim: Dwight- Dwight: Brought it in here- Jim: Do you want to play- Dwight: Made copies of it- Jim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it! Jan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match. Christian: Well, we are out to save money. Jan: What's the bottom line? Michael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm? Jan: I don't think Christian has time for that. Christian: I have time. Michael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs] Michael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back- Michael: [singing] Chili's baby back ribs... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters. Phyllis: Sir, you have some messages. Dwight: Not now! Phyllis: They're important. Dwight: Ok, what are they? Phyllis: First message is[/b]: "I love you". That's from me. Dwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. Ryan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. Dwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy] Pam: Hey, uh, I have to work late. Roy: [looks around conference room] You're joking right? Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the- Dwight: Pow! Pow! Pow! Ryan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface? Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet? Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. Ryan: I forget it, brutha. Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: D-W-I-G-H-T. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. Jim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so- Dwight: Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now. Jim: That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Yeah? [SCENE_BREAK] Christian: So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her. Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh. Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really. Michael: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing. Christian: It's not fair. Michael: She's not playing the game. Jan: We'd been fighting for a while- Michael: Check please. Jan: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine. Christian: You didn't. Jan: I was stupid. Michael and Christian: No. Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right? Christian: That's right. Michael: You know? Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. Michael: It's true. Christian: You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!" [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Pam lights a candle] Wow. Pam: For the bugs. Jim: Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich. Pam: Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner. [SCENE_BREAK] Christian: Right down the street? Michael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices. Christian: I know. Michael: It's bad. Christian: It's terrible. Michael: It, you know what, it really is. Jan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh] Christian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts. Michael: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours. Pam: What are you going to do with your time off? Jim: Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself. Pam: [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music? Jim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [waving to Christian] See ya. Jan: Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes! Michael: We did it! Jan: We got it! Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here. Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go. Michael: What!? Jan: Let's go. Michael: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Morning, Pam. Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello, Dwight. Dwight: Did you do her? Michael: Who. Dwight: Jan Levinson-Gould. Michael: Uh, no, no, no Gould. Dwight: Did you do her? Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss- Dwight: And she is your boss. Michael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Jan didn't come back for her car last night. Pam: What!? Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? Pam: Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell. Jim: No way. Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question[/b]: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Some might even say that we had our first date last night. Pam: Oh, really? Jim: Really. Pam: Why might some say that? Jim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. Pam: Uh hmm. Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date. Pam: We didn't dance. Jim: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic. Pam: Swaying isn't dancing. Jim: Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game. Pam: I have some faxes to get out. Jim: Oh, come on, Pam. I- [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?	Plan: A: Jan Levinson; Q: Who is the Vice President of Northeast Sales? A: an important client; Q: What do Michael and Jan meet? A: business; Q: What does Michael refuse to talk about with Jan? A: the client; Q: Who does Michael form a bond with? A: the deal; Q: What does Michael close with the client? A: the night; Q: How long does Jan spend with Michael? A: the office; Q: Where do the employees find and act out a screenplay written by Michael? Summary: Michael and the Vice President of Northeast Sales, Jan Levinson , meet an important client. Michael angers Jan with his antics and refusal to talk business, but he and the client form a bond, and he closes the deal. Jan is impressed, so much so that she spends the night with Michael. Back at the office, the employees find and act out a screenplay written by Michael.
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Final check by Kim [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch. Monica and Joey enter.] Joey: Hey guys! Monica: Hey, let me tell them! Joey: Sure. Monica: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show! Phoebe: Great! Ross: Really? Which one? Monica: (stopping Joey from answering) Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship. Ross: Things you find in the ocean, (to Joey) You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!! Monica: Oh, that was our favourite game show ever! Ross: Except for "Match game"... Monica: Or "Win, Lose or Draw". Chandler: What did I marry into? Joey: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? Monica: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party. Phoebe: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing. Ross: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond. Joey: Seriously? Ross: (very excited) Yeah-uh! Monica: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie. Chandler: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler! Monica: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. Rachel: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. Monica: (singing) "I'm a little bit country"... Ross: (singing) "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"! Chandler: (to Monica) I'm leaving you. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross and Chandler enter.] Ross: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric. Chandler: Who? Ross: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff. Chandler: (looking around) Did I go to this school? Ross: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her. Chandler: (looks over at her) Sure, nice. Ross: Dude. You're married to my sister. Chandler: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her. Ross: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out? Chandler: Are you asking permission to break the pact? Ross: Yes please. [Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.] Ross: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room! Chandler: Awesome, the name really stands out. Ross: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"! Chandler: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union! Missy: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey, Missy... Chandler: You know, our band is playing on Friday. Ross: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!". Missy: No way! Chandler and Ross: Way! Missy: Right. I'll be there. (she leaves) Chandler: Fresh! Ross: Boss! Chandler: Mint! Ross: She's gone. Chandler: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. Ross: Dude, I was gonna ask her out. Chandler: I said it first, bro. Ross: Well, I thought it first, Holmes. Chandler: (angrily) Look, if you did... Ross: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. Chandler: Totally. I had sx in High school... Ross: Me too. I'm good at it. Chandler: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. Ross: You got it. Chandler: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. Ross: Those are the pacts! Chandler: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. Ross: Oh, oh... maybe not you! [We get back to the Class of '91 reunion, where Ross and Chandler are still looking at Missy.] Chandler: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact. Ross: Thank you. (they shake hands) All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college? Chandler: Your hands are shaking. Ross: I know, and I can't stop sweating. (he walks towards Missy) [Scene: The "Pyramid" Studio.] Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause! Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him) Joey: (to Gene) I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! (pause) Only better looking and richer. Donny: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. (applause) Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like? Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line". Donny: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go! Joey: (on the screen there's the word "Supermarket") Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. (there is a sound indicating he made a mistake as he shouldn't have said 'supermarket'. The next word appears, "notebook") Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my... Gene: Diary. Joey: Noo, (whispering) more like a notebook... Damn it! (next word appears: "blueprint") Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... (the last word is "Football field" and there are 5 seconds left) In high school, I once had sx with a girl right in the middle of the... Gene: Cafeteria. Joey: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. (time's finished) OOOH! [Scene: Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place.] Phoebe: (to Rachel) Thank you so much for this. Rachel: Oh, d'you like it? Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting? Rachel: What? Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmmmm... raunchy! Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? Rachel: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! [Scene: Joey's at the game show "Pyramid" with host Donny Osmond.] Donny: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator. Joey: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points. Donny: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go! (the first word is cream) Gene: You put this in your coffee. Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's heavier then milk! Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth. Gene: Pass! (the second word is mayonnaise) Gene: You put this on a sandwich. Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's made from eggs! Joey: Chickens? Gene: Pass! Joey: Oh! (The third word is ketchup) Gene: You put this on a hamburger! Joey: Ketchup! Gene: Yes! (The fourth word is soda) Joey: Relish! Gene: Stop! Joey: Oh. Donny: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there... Joey: Yeah... Donny: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away. Stage Manager : And we're out! Joey: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right? Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand! Joey: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time! Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you. Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? (pause). Yeah! [Scene: College reunion party. Ross is talking to Missy.] Ross: So, Saturday night! Missy: I'd love to! Ross: Great! Missy: So how come it took you so long to ask me out? Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing? Missy: Sure, he was in your "band"? (she air quotes band) Ross: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt. Missy: Sorry. Ross: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out! Missy: Really? Ross: Yeah, why? Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot! Ross: You did? Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours! Ross: (angrily) AND ON MY TURF? [Scene: Monica's apartment. The bachelorette party.] Monica: (to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! Rachel: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! (someone knocks at the door) Monica: Who is it? Man: It's the police! Rachel: (pretends to be shocked) Uh! The police! Phoebe: (Excited, running back to her seat) Oh! Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody. Monica: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? (looks over to Phoebe and she opens the door, and to their dismay, the stripper is an old, short, fat guy who looks exhausted) Roy, the male stripper: (coughs) Whoo, that's a lot of stairs! [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch. Monica: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,... Roy: Goodbody! Monica: ...If-you-say-so. Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take (he shakes his hips) downtown! (Monica points Phoebe) Phoebe: Oh, God! Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! (he thrusts his pelvis towards Phoebe) Whaaaa... (walks back to plug in his cd player) Here? All right. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Are you kidding? Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! Phoebe: How old is your phonebook? Monica: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment! Phoebe: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off! Roy: Are you talking about me? Monica: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy! Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing! (he uses his remote to turn on the music, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, and starts dancing for Phoebe. He shakes his butt, moves his shoulders back, grabs his crotch and hops towards Phoebe. Phoebe is half horrified and half scared. He takes his hat off and throws it away, does some "Can Can" high kicks and swings his butt in front of Phoebe who looks at it in disgust. Then he tears open his shirt and shows her his chest and she flinches.) Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa (he turn off the music). She cringed! Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on! Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time! Phoebe: Shocking! Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way! Phoebe: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding? Rachel: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book! Phoebe: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything! Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time! Phoebe: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this. Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory. Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper) Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath (points at his groin)... is all man. Phoebe: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man? Roy: (making a crying face) Oh, you're mean! Monica: (walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir... Roy: Damnit. OH! (To Phoebe) Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings! [Scene: At Pyramid. Joey is with the woman now.] Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill. Joey: (To Henrietta) My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! (makes a thumbs up sign) Donny: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. (Joey goes form looking very confident to looking very shocked the instant the word congress is said) Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go! (Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen) Joey: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. (Next word: "Rotunda") Pass. (Next word: "Filibuster" stares at it a moment) Pass. (Henrietta is looking very confused) (Next word: "Addendum" 4 seconds remaining) Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat. Henrietta: Uvula! Joey: Oh, then pass. (Next word: "Joint session", but time's up, Joey acts very disappointed) Donny: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! (Gene is clapping his hands looking very happy and so is Joey) And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani (Both of their smiles fade away instantly) [Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys.] Ross: (To Chandler) You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me? (Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed) Chandler: (to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them). That didn't make us sound gay at all! Ross: You broke the pact! Chandler: Ross, that was 16 years ago! Ross: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship. Chandler: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts. Ross: I didn't. Chandler: Oh really? Ross: No. Chandler: Oh really!? Ross: NO! Chandler: ADRIENNE TURNER!! (A girl behind them turns around) Adrienne: Yes? Chandler and Ross: Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her) Ross: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner. Chandler: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her. Ross: I don't know what... you're talking about. Chandler: Really? [Flashback scene: 80's College party.] Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors. (An 80's Rachel and fat Monica walk into the party room. Both with funny hair-do's and clothes) Monica: I can't believe we are at a real college party! (Rachel laughs excitedly) I have to pee so bad! Rachel: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute! Monica: Hey, you've got a boyfriend! Rachel: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! (They spot Chandler) Monica: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds! Rachel: It... You can so totally tell. Monica: I KNOW! Rachel: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails). Chandler: Aren't you...? Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do). Chandler: (smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing? Rachel: Bitchin' Chandler: Hi Monica. Monica: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you (rolls her eyes) NOT. (she and Rachel giggle a little and Chandler looks unimpressed) Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.) Monica: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days. (Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine) Ross: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this. Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this. Ross: Cool! (They start kissing again and Chandler looks shocked) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: We cut back to the present. The reunion where Chandler and Ross are talking.] Ross: I didn't know you knew about that. Chandler: Well, I did and it hurt. (they walk towards the bar) That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room". Ross: (looks disappointed in himself) Man... I... I'm sorry. Chandler: Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago. Ross: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even. Chandler: (smiling a little nervously) Hmm mmmhm.. Ross: We are even, right? Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody? Ross: (thinks about it for a few seconds) What did you do to my mom? Chandler: Not her! [Flashback scene: We cut back to the 80's party. Rachel and Monica are "dancing".] Rachel: I am sooo drunk. Monica: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. (Chandler approaches) Chandler: Soo... you girls having fun? Monica: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. (A guy enters holding a pizza box) Pizza guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA? Monica: Oh THATS ME! (she runs to the pizza guy) Rachel: (finishing the last of her drink) I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow. Chandler: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out. Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now? Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship. Rachel: (blushing) Oh, what a line. (walks towards the drinks table with her back towards Chandler and whispers "Oh my God!") Chandler: So where are you applying to? Rachel: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... (Chandler leans in an kisses her) (She pulls away) Hey! Chandler: I'm in college and I'm in a band. Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again) [Scene: Monica's apartment. The stripper is sitting at the kitchen table. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are standing around him] Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before? Phoebe: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you. Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know. Rachel: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have? Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame. Rachel: So maybe something in an office. Phoebe: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch. Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind. Phoebe: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay? Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it. Phoebe: (after a pause) Finish it! Roy: What? Phoebe: Your last dance. Do it for us. Roy: Really? Rachel: (to Phoebe) Really? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time. Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies! (they sit down and Roy plays "You Make Me Feel" by Sylvester on his boom box, and starts... With his back towards the girls, he starts waving his hands, then backs towards the girls slapping his butt, then swings it around, and makes thrusting pelvic movements in front of Phoebe. He dances around the tables in between all the girls, and gets back into the kitchen part of the room. He then tears off one of his sleeves and throws it towards Monica and Rachel, who fight over who gets it. He then tears off his other sleeve and moves it back and forth between his legs, getting closer to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot! (Roy then sits on Phoebe's lap, looking exhausted) Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, don't stop! Roy: (out of breath) Have to... [Scene: The game show studio. Joey and Gene are sitting in the winner circle.] Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready? Joey: (nervously) Yeah... Gene: (irritable) Sure. (Joey gets even more nervous) Donny: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! (runs off) (the screen says "6 to win" and "types of trees") Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch... Joey: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees? (Joey hears the bell which means his answer is correct and is surprised. The screen now says "5 to win" and "Spanish words") Gene: Uhm... Buenos días, enchilada, por favor... Joey: (sympathetic) Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words. (There's the next bell, and the correct answer. The screen changes to "4 to win" and "things that burn". Gene now realizes that he got two correct answers and gets up in his seat.) Gene: A match, a candle... Joey: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out. Gene: A torch, a bonfire... (Joey seems lost) uhm, your pee... Joey: Things that burn. (and another bell for the correct answer. "3 to win" and "What a dog might say") Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly". Joey: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it. Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark". Joey: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says. (the bell sounds again, "2 to win" and "pizza toppings") Gene: Pepperoni... Joey: (instantly) Pizza toppings, next! (there's 10 seconds left, "1 to win" and "Supermodels") Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer... Joey: Oh, oh, oh... (5 seconds left) Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss... Joey: Girls Chandler could never get? Gene: (irritated) Supermodels! Joey: Where? (looking around) [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's there and Ross and Chandler walk in.] Ross: Hey, where's Rachel? Monica: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. Ross: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? Monica: What? When was this? Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school. Monica: Oh my God! That's wild! Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. Ross: Well, it matters to me. Chandler: Why? Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. Chandler: You kissed her that night too? Monica: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Chandler: Seriously, where did this happen? Ross: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. Chandler: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on? Ross: Mine. Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. Ross: No, she was definitely on my bed. Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed? Ross: Well, then who was on my bed? Monica: (screeching) OH! Oh, oh! (holding her hand in front of her mouth) Ross: (realizing) NO! No, no! Monica: YES! (Chandler gets an "oh no!" look on his face) Ross: You were under the pile of coats? Monica: I was the pile of coats! Ross: OH MY GOD! Monica: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser? Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel? Monica: You were my first kiss ever? Chandler: What did I marry into? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Back at the party in 1987. People are dancing to "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps.] (Monica is dancing. At first she seems insecure and moves slowly, but then gets into the groove and swings her hips from side to side while holding her hands up. She then eats the last piece of pizza she was holding and again moves her hips from side to side, pushing her hands in the air in beat with the music. Her moves get more wildly while she's snapping her fingers. She loses balance and falls back onto a pink bean bag.) Monica: Oh, crap!	Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who did Ross kiss for the first time? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is disappointed that there is no stripper at her bachelorette party? A: a bachelorette party; Q: What do Monica and Rachel throw for Phoebe? A: a male stripper; Q: What did Monica and Rachel hire for Phoebe's bachelorette party? A: Danny DeVito; Q: Who is the stripper that Monica and Rachel hire for Phoebe's bachelorette party? A: Ross; Q: Who is upset that Chandler kissed Rachel? A: Chandler; Q: Who broke the pact with Monica? A: their college reunion; Q: Where did Ross and Chandler remember the girl they made a pact not to date? A: Kimberley Davies; Q: Who did Chandler break the pact with? A: Pyramid; Q: What game show does Joey guest star on? A: the final round; Q: When does Joey nearly redeem himself on Pyramid? A: the final question; Q: What did Joey mess up on that cost him the game? A: a 42-minute episode; Q: How long was the episode originally? A: Guest stars; Q: Who were Ellen Pompeo and Donny Osmond? Summary: Monica and Rachel throw Phoebe a bachelorette party but Phoebe is disappointed there is no stripper. Rachel and Monica hire a male stripper (Danny DeVito) at the last minute; but when he gets there, Phoebe insults him. He begins to cry. Ross and Chandler attend their college reunion and remember the girl they made a pact not to date. Ross makes his move but discovers Chandler used to make out with her all the time. Chandler informs Ross that he broke the pact as well but with a different girl (Kimberley Davies) at a party. At the same party, Monica and Rachel were visiting and Chandler made-out with Rachel to get back at Ross. Ross is upset because this is also the night of the first kiss between him and Rachel but later finds out he actually kissed Monica. Joey is a guest star on the television game show Pyramid and does horribly. Joey nearly redeems himself in the final round but messes up on the final question, which costs him the game. Note: Originally aired as a 42-minute episode. Guest stars Ellen Pompeo and Donny Osmond
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue and Piper are making a potion.] Piper: One teaspoon of baking powder. Prue: One teaspoon bat guano. Ooh-hoo. It's starting to bubble. Piper: And stink. Couldn't you have made that potion after breakfast? Prue: No, I'm sorry, but Phoebe has a meeting with that D.A. Investigator, and I didn't want her to go there unarmed. (Leo walks in.) Leo: Morning. Whoa, what is that smell? Prue: That would be the lovely smell of Piper's breakfast. Piper: Hope you're hungry. Leo: Uh, starving. Piper: Probably 'cause you missed dinner last night. Leo: Piper, I already said I was sorry I was late, okay. It's not like I was out carousing with the boys. I was out being a force of good in the universe. Piper: A true force of good would have called or at least orbed. Leo: I couldn't. Not under the circumstances. Piper: Which were? Leo: Work related, which means I can't talk about it. I mean, anything that happens between me and a charge is confidential. You know that. Piper: Doesn't mean I have to like it. (Piper cuts her finger with a knife.) Ow! Leo: Oh, let me see that. (Leo heals her finger.) Piper: You know, this all for the good of mankind stuff really puts me in an awful position. I have no choice but to be understanding. Leo: You just have to accept that you're engaged to somebody that works for the CIA. Piper: Oh. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Wait, you work for the CIA? Prue: You know, ever since you became a blonde... Piper: Do you want something to eat before your meeting with Reece? Phoebe: Not hungry, too nervous. (Prue hands Phoebe a vial of potion.) Prue: Alright, well, this will help you with your nerves. Just a drop in Reece's coffee, and it will out any demon. Reaction will cause his throat to constrict. As he's choking, you run, got it? Phoebe: Thanks. I hadn't even considered that Reece might be evil. Prue: Then why are you so nervous? Phoebe: Uh, because he's probing Cole's disappearance. I'm not exactly looking forward to being grilled about my demon ex, you know? Prue: Well, as long as you don't blurt out, "I killed Cole," you'll be fine. Leo: Why don't you practice saying, "As far as I know, Cole is alive and well and could be anywhere." See how it feels. Phoebe: Okay, uh, "As far as I know, Cole is alive and well and could be anywhere." Piper: Very believable. Prue: Yeah, try not to look as guilty as you did just now. You'll give yourself away. Phoebe: I just can't wait for this investigation to be over. Piper: It will soon. It has to. There's nothing to find. Prue: Is there? Phoebe: Of course not. Prue: Be careful. [Scene: An alley. A witch runs from a warlock. The warlock runs after her. He throws a fireball at her and she reflects it with her power.] Witch: You can't hurt me. I can deflect your power. Warlock: All of them? (He throws another fireball and she deflects it. It hits him and vanquishes him.) Witch: Thank god. (He appears behind her and grabs her. He holds a dagger against her neck.) Warlock: You know, the ability to clone myself is just one of the powers that I've collected over my years of killing witches. And now I'm about to add one more. (He stabs her with the dagger and takes her power. She falls to the ground. Natalie, her Whitelighter, orbs in. She runs over to her.) You're too late, Whitelighter. Your charge is dead. I'll see you later. (He blinks out of the alley.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Dining room. Piper and Leo are sitting at the table having breakfast.] Piper: So I've got lunch with this guy from the Chronicle who wants to do a story on the club, and then I've got a meeting with these dot com start up guys that want to do an internet thingy. What are you doing today? Leo: You know, just the usual. Piper: Care to elaborate? Leo: Piper... Piper: Oh, come on. Just a few details, a tidbit. Leo: It's against the rules. Piper: Rules. Yes, see, this is my problem. Every time I turn around, we seem to be violating some stupid Whitelighter ordinance. Leo: We just have to be careful as long as we're under probation. Piper: Which is never ending. I don't know, Leo. I don't think they're ever gonna let us get married. Leo: They will. They have to. Nothing is gonna keep us apart, I promise. (They move in to kiss but Natalie orbs in, interrupting them.) Piper: Aah! Leo: Natalie! Natalie: Leo. Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a major problem on our hands. (Natalie is holding an athame. Prue walks in.) Prue: Hey, I heard something... Ooh! Athame! Athame! (Prue gets ready to attack Natalie but Leo stops her.) Leo: No, no, no. It's okay, she's a Whitelighter. Natalie and I go way back. We were rookies together. Actually, we fought together in World War II. Natalie: All your charges need to know is I'm a Whitelighter. This is not a social call. I've come to warn the Charmed Ones that a warlock just killed my most powerful charge with this athame. Leo: Oh, I'm so sorry. Natalie: Thank you. The real tragedy is that it didn't have to happen. I warned her to lay low, and she didn't listen. She always refused to let her magic interfere with her life, and now a warlock has her power of deflection. Prue: Deflection. Wait a minute, does this mean he could deflect our powers? Natalie: Yes, which is why all Whitelighters have been put on alert. Leo: We have? Why didn't I hear about this? Natalie: Because you missed this morning's staff meeting. Piper: You have staff meetings? Natalie: With mandatory attendance. Leo: Unless a charge is in need, which Piper was. I had to heal her. (Piper holds up her finger.) Piper: Right. Natalie: I'll assume a demon attacked your finger, since healing is restricted to such circumstances. Leo: I believe the Charmed Ones deserve special attention. Natalie: I've heard rumors about such special attention, and honestly, Leo. (Natalie and Leo start talking to each other in their clickety-clack language.) Prue: Whitelighter-ese? Natalie: Clickety-clack, Piper, clicky-clack. Piper: Well, I guess we know what they're talking about. Prue: All right, you guys can (does the sound) all you want. Me, I'm gonna look in the Book of Shadows, okay? Natalie: I'll go with you. I gotta look at the warlock. I might be able to identify him. Prue: Oh, alright. Well, it's up in the attic. Natalie: Attic? You mean the altar room, don't you? The rules are very clear. Every witch must keep their Book of Shadows in a sacred and protected spot. Prue: Right, of course. Leo: Maybe you can bring the Book down here? Prue: Yeah, yeah. I'll just run up to the altar room, which by the way, is right next to the potions lab, and I'll be right back. (She leaves the room. Leo picks up a piece of fruit. Natalie click-clacks at him.) Leo: Not supposed to eat on the job. [Scene: A diner. Phoebe and Reece are sitting at a table.] Reece: You sure you don't want something to eat? Phoebe: No, I'm fine. Uh, actually, I would like a bagel also. Thanks. (He turns his back to Phoebe to talk to a waitress.) Reece: Uh, excuse me, miss. Can we have another bagel? (Phoebe quickly pours some potion in his coffee. Reece turns back to face Phoebe.) It's a nice place. It's crowded. I guess that's why you picked it. That makes me think you're afraid of something. (Reece takes a sip of his coffee and coughs.) Allergies. So, so are you? Phoebe: Am I what? Reece: Afraid. Phoebe: Afraid of Cole? No. Why should I be? Reece: Well, several reasons. Not the least of which is he's a fraud, or a man who exists only on paper. Wormed his way into the DA office for reasons unknown, and who apparently has a very dark side. (He shows her some photos of Cole's altar.) We found blood stains on his carpet and a hidden cabinet full of occult paraphernalia. Now, you're telling me you don't know anything about this? Phoebe: No... I mean, yes. I don't know about any of this. Reece: Look, Miss Halliwell, see, I think you know more than you're letting on, but you're scared. You're afraid that if I find out the truth, you're gonna get in trouble. Am I right? Phoebe: I wish I could help you, but I can't. I'm sorry. I really am. (She stands up.) Reece: Uh, listen. Cole's the kind of man who knows how to cover his tracks, okay? If he's alive and you know something, he could hurt you. He could hurt your sisters, too. (Phoebe leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Prue and Piper are sitting on the couch reading the Book Of Shadows. Leo and Natalie are standing near by.] Prue: "The power of deflection is a witch's best shield against the forces of darkness." Piper: "Unless the forces of darkness already have it, in which case, it's the great shield against us." Prue: Alright, how did he get close enough to get it from such a powerful witch? Piper: Maybe he wasn't working alone. Leo: Or maybe he possesses the power... Natalie: Cloning. I was just thinking the same thing. Leo: The ability to duplicate oneself, but... Natalie: It can't be sustained for long periods of time. Piper: That's cute how you guys finish each other's sentences. Natalie: Happens when you work with someone for as long as we have. Piper: I see that. Leo: Maybe we should check the Book. See if the warlock stole the cloning power too. Prue: Alright, cross-reference cloning with warlock. (Prue uses her power to flip the pages. It lands on a page about the warlock Eames.) Here it is. A warlock named Eames. Seems that, uh, ten years ago, he murdered a witch in Glasgow and stole her power of cloning. Do you recognise him? Natalie: That's him. Prue: Uh, well, cloning and deflection are not his only tricks. It says here that Eames also killed a witch in Kenya in '89 and took the power of transmogrification. Piper: Trans what? Leo, Natalie: The ability to change shape or form. Prue: Okay, so, uh, what's his master plan? Natalie: What makes you think he has one? Prue: Well, the time and geography between kills suggest that he was hunting these particular witches, right? It's not sport, it's strategy. Piper: So all we have to do to catch him is to figure out what that plan is and then beat him to the punch. Prue: Right, or we can try and take him out first before he even has a chance. Natalie: Leo, we should discuss the best way to approach this situation. (to Prue and Piper) I mean, in private if you wouldn't mind going into another room please. Piper: Or how about this idea? (Piper freezes Natalie. Prue grins.) Prue: Hmm! Leo: Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Getting irritated. Who put Lady Attitude in charge? Leo: She's not in charge. Piper: Really? 'Cause she's acting like it. I thought Whitelighters were supposed to guide, not dictate. Leo: She is just trying to help. Prue: By what? Slowing us down and second-guessing us? Leo: Introducing the concept of caution and organisation into the manor isn't a bad idea. Natalie's considered one of the top Whitelighters up there. Piper: Oh, I bet they love her. She's never met a rule she didn't like. Prue: Leo, we already have a Whitelighter. Besides, I don't really like anybody who doesn't trust us. Leo: You've misread her. Natalie is cautious because she just lost a charge and she's worried the same thing is gonna happen to you. You can't question her heart. Piper: Okay, how about everything else? Leo: I'll talk to her. Now please, would you unfreeze her? Piper: Sure. (Piper walks past Natalie and unfreezes her.) There you go. (Piper walks into the kitchen.) Natalie: Wait a minute, what's going on? Leo: I gotta go talk to Piper. Natalie: Leo. Leo: I'll be right back. (Leo goes in the kitchen.) Prue: Piper froze ya. Natalie: She-she what? Prue: Yep. (Prue grins.) [Cut to the kitchen.] Leo: Hey, you want to freeze me in bed for your own personal pleasure, that is fine, but freezing Natalie is not gonna make her or the Elders happy. Piper: Well, I'm sorry, but how do you think I feel listening to you two clickety-clack about work when you don't tell me anything? I mean, she clearly knows things about you that I don't. Leo: She's an old friend. Piper: Well, obviously. Leo: Come on, you're not jealous are you? Because there is nothing... Piper: Leo, I'm not jealous of her. I'm jealous of the part of your life she gets to share with you that I don't. You know, like where you go all day, who your other charges are, what it's like up there. Leo: I've taken you up there before. Piper: Once, and I don't even get to remember it. It's just more rules. More stupid rules that exclude me, unlike you and Natalie, who literally speak the same language with each other. Leo: It is just boring shop talk. Piper: It's secrets, and if there's one thing I learned as a Halliwell, you don't keep secrets from the people you love. (Phoebe walks in through the back door.) Phoebe: Hi. Am I interrupting something? Piper: Yes. Leo: No. Piper: How did your thing go with the investigator? Phoebe: Uh, fine. At least he's not a demon. Leo, can I talk to you about something? Soon. Piper: Take a number. Leo: Maybe later, okay? Why don't you go meet Natalie? Phoebe: Who's Natalie? Piper: She's a... Leo: Fellow Whitelighter. See? I finished your sentence. Piper: Hmm. It's not what I was gonna say. [Cut back to the conservatory. Prue's scrying with a crystal.] Natalie: You're wasting your time. You can't scry for warlocks. Prue: I'm not. I'm scrying for a witch. I'm focusing the crystal on your charge's power, which technically is still alive. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Hi. You must be, uh... Prue: Oh! (The crystal points to a spot on the map.) Okay, here we go, I think I found Eames. Uh, Industrial District South of San Francisco. Phoebe: A warlock? What's going on? Prue: We'll fill you in on the way. Piper! Leo! Natalie: Wait, you're not going after him are you? Prue: Yeah, that would be the idea. Natalie: You're not prepared, you're not-- (Phoebe touches the dagger and has a premonition of Eames killing a man.) Prue: What did you see? Phoebe: A warlock I think. Killing a male witch. Prue: Not if we can help it. (Piper and Leo walk in.) It's three against one. We should be able to counter his power of deflection. Leo: But he can also clone himself. Prue: So then it's three against two. Still, the odds are on our side. Plus, we'll have the element of surprise. Natalie: People, we're under an alert. You can't go running off half-cocked. Phoebe: People? Natalie: You must consult the Elders, find out what they know, what they want you to do. Piper: And how long will that take? Long enough to lose another witch's life? Natalie: Better one than four. You wondered what Eames' ultimate goal was. What if it's to kill the Charmed Ones? Think of the damage he could do with all of your powers. Prue: Alright, Natalie's right. We should definitely check with the Elders first. Do it quickly. Natalie: I'll be back as soon as possible. (Natalie orbs out.) Phoebe: So what, we're supposed to just wait? Prue: No! I had to say something to get rid of her. Leo: Didn't you hear what she said? Consulting with the Elders is for your own protection. Piper: And siding with us is for yours. Prue: Hmm! [Scene: An alley. Eames is there chanting. Prue, Piper and Phoebe pull up in the car. They get out of the car. Prue uses her power on Eames. He gets back up.] Prue: Oh, Piper, freeze him. (Piper tries to freeze Eames but he deflects it.) Piper: He deflected it. (Eames disappears.) What happened? Where'd he go? Leo: I don't think that was Eames. I think that was his clone. Phoebe: Alright, well, the real Eames must be around here someplace. Piper: Okay, maybe we should get out of here. Prue: No, no, no. What about the witch in Phoebe's premonition? We can't just leave him. Piper: I was afraid you were gonna say that. Prue: What did he look like? Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. Kinda balding. (A Darklighter appears.) Sort of like that. Darklighter: Who are you? Why'd you summon me? Leo: That's no witch. That's... (A crossbow appears in his hand.) a Darklighter. Piper: Leo! Leo, get out of here! (The Darklighter shoots an arrow at Leo but Leo orbs out. Phoebe kicks the crossbow out of his hand and kicks him. Piper freezes him.) Okay, I don't understand. Why is there a Darklighter here? (Eames appears.) Eames: Oh, did I miss all the fun? (Eames sets the Darklighter on fire. He blinks in front of the crossbow.) No, wait, I am the fun. Thanks for this. (He picks up the crossbow and blinks out of the alley.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk in. Leo is there waiting.] Leo: Did you get the Darklighter? Piper: No, but Eames did. Leo: Eames? A warlock killed a Darklighter? Phoebe: And took his crossbow. Leo: Well, that doesn't make any sense. They both play for team evil. Prue: Yeah, what I don't get is why Eames had no interest in attacking us. Phoebe: Maybe he knew he was outnumbered. Prue: No, he didn't really seem overly concerned. In fact, he seemed cocky. (Natalie orbs in.) Natalie: Good, you're still here. Piper: Speaking of cocky. Natalie: I consulted the Elders and they want you to hold back. They think the witch Phoebe saw might be a force of darkness. Prue: A Darklighter actually. Natalie: How do you know? Piper: We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Natalie: You what? Leo, how could you let this happen? Prue: This wasn't Leo's decision. It was ours. Natalie: You'll take responsibility for a decision, but not for your lives? That warlock could have killed you. Piper: He wasn't after us. Natalie: That makes you lucky, not smart. You were reckless. As the Charmed Ones, you have an obligation to serve the greater good. You have a higher calling. (The Whitelighters call Leo and Natalie.) Leo: So do we. Natalie: I think we better both go up this time. Leo: Better lay low until we get back. (Leo and Natalie hold hands and orb out.) Piper: What's with the hand holding thing? Phoebe: That's the least of our problems. We have to concentrate on finding and vanquishing Eames. Prue: Yeah, and we can't count on scrying to locate him because it just could be his clone again. Piper: I still think we need to decode his master plan and then that way we can figure him out. Phoebe: I'll take book duty. Prue: I'll do a flow chart, see where all this is leading. Piper: I'll help. Anything to get rid of her. Phoebe: You mean him. Piper: Nah, I mean her. (Phoebe walks into the conservatory and sits down at the table. She flips through the Book of Shadows and stops at the page about Belthazor.) Phoebe: What am I gonna do about you? [Cut to a white misty place. There are a bunch of Whitelighters standing around in white robes. Leo is there wearing jeans and a shirt. Natalie walks up to him wearing the robe.] Natalie: I've never seen the Elders like this before. They're worried about what Eames is up to. Aren't you gonna change into your robes? The rules say... Leo: I know the rules. I find my jeans more comfortable. Natalie: That attitude scares me, Leo. I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't tell you how concerned I am about the situation at the manor. Leo: You haven't seen the Charmed Ones at their best. Trust me, they're talented witches. Natalie: They're also sloppy, untrained, emotional... Leo: And undisciplined, I know. That's part of what makes them great. They don't work by rote. They work on instinct, on passion. Natalie: I'm all for instinct and passion, but they're too impulsive. They lead with their hearts, not their heads, and they're not the only ones. Leo: You think I do too? Natalie: I think it's clear that you love them. Leo: Every Whitelighter loves their charges. Natalie: Not the way that you do. Your feelings are clouding your ability to see their weaknesses. Leo: Weaknesses? I think their record speaks for itself. They took out Belthazor, who took out the Triad. Natalie: But Belthazor is a perfect example. He never should have gotten that close to them. I can't help but to think that your relationship with Piper... Leo: Is none of your business. Natalie: Actually, Leo, it is my business. The Elders want to know whether or not I think it's getting in the way of your job. (Phoebe calls Leo from below.) Leo: That's Phoebe. Rules say charges call take precedent. (He orbs out.) [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom.] Phoebe: Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Sorry, Phoebe, I forgot that you needed to talk. What's up? Phoebe: Okay, just so I'm clear, this is confidential, right? I mean, anything that I'm about to say to you just stays between me and you? Leo: Absolutely. Phoebe: And they don't get to know? And they're not eavesdropping or anything right now? Leo: Phoebe, what is it? Phoebe: You need to sit. (She sits him on her bed and she sits beside him.) Okay, here goes. Leo, Cole is alive. Leo: What? Phoebe: Cole... Belthazor, I didn't really vanquish him. I know. I know it's horrible, and I've barely been able to live with Prue and Piper ever since, but I just couldn't tell them. Leo: Phoebe... Phoebe: I couldn't kill him, Leo. I had every intention of doing it, but when I got there and I was face to face with him, I just, I couldn't kill him, and I knew that my sisters were going to. Leo: So you faked his death? Phoebe: I didn't have a choice. Leo, I knew in my heart that he would never try and hurt us. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let him go you have to believe me. All I know is that I loved Cole. And if anyone understands forbidden love it's you, isn't it? Leo: Oh my god, Phoebe. It's not even close to being the same thing. He is a demon. Phoebe: He's half-human. Leo: For god sakes, he's a killer. He has killed witches and innocents and anything that has gotten in his way. What is the matter with you? What makes you think that he is not gonna come back here right now and try and kill all three of you? Phoebe: He won't. I know he's good. Leo: No, you hope that he's good. You want him to be good. Why did you even tell me this? Phoebe: I don't know, Leo. I was sort of counting on you for your guidance and support. Leo: Well, it's my guidance and support that got you into this mess. I don't know how to begin to fix this. (Leo walks out of her room and doubles over in pain. He groans.) Phoebe: Leo? Leo, what's the matter? (She goes over to him.) Leo: I don't know. Feels like a witch is being hurt. I can feel her pain. Phoebe: Is it one of your charges? Leo: No. (Prue and Piper walk in.) Piper: What happened? Leo: She needs help. [Cut to a park. Eames has just stabbed a witch.] Eames: Of course I've could have killed you, but it's not your powers I'm after. I've set my sights a little higher. I'm looking for a few good Whitelighters. Well, actually, just one. That's all I'm missing now. And yours'll do just fine. [Cut back to the manor.] Piper: Why isn't her Whitelighter helping her? Leo: I don't know, but I have to go to her. (Leo starts to orb out.) Prue: No, Leo, wait. I just realised, how could we have missed it? The only reason Eames would have killed a Darklighter is so that he can use the crossbow to kill a Whitelighter. (Natalie orbs in.) Natalie: She's right, Leo, it's a trap. Leo: I don't understand. Why would he even want to kill a Whitelighter? Natalie: To gain the power to orb up there, the only way in. Once there, he'd be able to decimate all Whitelighters. Phoebe: And that would leave all their charges unprotected. He would be able to wipe out all witches everywhere, including us. Prue: Sounds like a master plan to me. Natalie: The Elders have instituted a lockdown and recalled all Whitelighters from Earth. Leo and I are the only ones who have retained the power to orb so we can help you stop Eames. Leo: Must be why I feel her pain. If you could only feel it. Natalie: I feel it but I won't be ruled by it. A Whitelighter who's controlled by his emotions is useless. The greater good must come first. [Cut back to the park. The witch is lying on the ground in pain. Eames is near by waiting.] Eames: Well, this is boring. What kind of lame Whitelighter do you have? Witch: They must be on to you now. Eames: I think you're right. Which means what? They'll send witches to try and stop me? Well, if witches come, can Whitelighters be far behind? After ten years of chasing a dream, the dream starts chasing me. Of course, you know there is a down side. I no longer have any use for you. (He stabs her again.) [Cut back to the manor. Leo stumbles down the stairs.] Piper: Leo! Natalie: Leo, what is it? Leo: He killed her. Prue: What does your rule book say to do now? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there. Phoebe's making some coffee.] Phoebe: I can't believe Natalie just let her die like that, we should have done something. Piper: Like what? Phoebe: I don't know. Something. Prue: Yeah, but we need to figure out a way to stop Eames before he kills again. We should be working on a vanquishing spell. Phoebe: It's gonna be a tricky spell, though. We have to counteract a lot of powers. Piper: Plus, we need to do it fast, cause I don't like my boyfriend being one of the only two targets on Earth. (The girls walk into the living room where Leo and Natalie are.) Piper: We'd like to speak to Leo in private. So if you wouldn't mind going into another room? Natalie: If it's work related, you can discuss it with me. Prue: What do you mean? Piper: Leo? Leo: I asked Natalie to take over as your Whitelighter and she accepted. Piper: What are you talking about? Leo: Piper, nothing is more important to me than your safety, and my being here is putting all of your lives at risk. Prue: Leo, you have done nothing but protect us. Leo: You saw what happened upstairs. I would have rushed off to help that witch if you hadn't stopped me. Now I am supposed to be guiding you and you are guiding me. Prue: Leo, we all make mistakes. Leo: We can't afford to make them now. Phoebe: Leo, if this is because of me... (Prue and Piper look at her, confused.) Leo: It isn't, Phoebe. It's because of me. Maybe Natalie's right. Maybe my feelings for you are clouding my ability to guide you, I don't know. But all I do know is that this is no time for self-doubt, not with Eames out there. (Leo walks over to Piper.) Piper, they want me to join in the lockdown. Until I return, I want you to do as Natalie asks. It's important for us. (Leo and Piper kiss and he orbs out. Prue, Piper and Phoebe stare at Natalie.) Natalie: I suggest you channel your anger toward the warlock you're meant to vanquish. Now, first... Prue: Okay, could we just have a moment to process this, please? Natalie: No. It's time you stopped focusing on yourselves and started focusing on Eames. You must prepare yourselves for battle. Mentally, physically, sartorially. Phoebe: I'm sorry, what? Piper: She doesn't like our clothes. Natalie: You need outfits that are loose and move. That means no more braless, strapless, fearless attire. Prue: Okay, but then I have nothing to wear. [Cut to an alley. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are stretching. Natalie's also stretching in front of them.] Prue: Okay, tell me again why we're doing this? Piper: Because one bad word from General Goody-Two-Shoes, and I'm not getting married. Prue: That's a good reason, I guess. (Natalie turns to face the girls.) Natalie: Alright, let's get going. Defeating Eames will require split-second timing and flawless teamwork. I can't tell you what you'll be doing but I can tell you what you won't. You won't be winging it. You won't be hoping for the best. The will to win is the will to prepare to win. Do you understand me? Piper: Uh-huh. Phoebe: I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that last platitude. Natalie: You think you're so tough because you took out Belthazor, don't you? Let me tell you something. You're only as good as your next vanquish. This alley is a neutral battlefield. Our challenge is to fight Eames. Our primary goal is... Piper: To win! Natalie: No. Piper: No. Natalie: To get the crossbow. (She picks up a piece of wood.) A Darklighter's crossbow delivers arrows dipped in a poison that is lethal to Whitelighters. Get the crossbow, and the immediate threat is over. If you have the opportunity to vanquish Eames by all mean seize it. But keep your eyes on the prize. Alright, now let's pretend I'm the enemy. Prue: Oh, that is way too easy. (Phoebe claps her hands and Piper laughs.) Natalie: Now talk me through how you plan to separate me from my crossbow. Piper: Okay, first, I freeze you. Natalie: I deflect that. Phoebe: I guess I could levitate and kick you. Natalie: You just kicked a clone. Prue: Alright, how about I send in an astral Prue as a decoy and just, you know... (Prue uses her power and the piece of wood flies out of Natalie's hands.) Oh, I'm so sorry. (Phoebe laughs.) Natalie: Not as sorry as you would be if I just blinked behind you and stabbed you to death. Prue: Well, that would be bad. Piper: Ouch. Phoebe: Alright, you know what? This is too hard usually in these situations, you know, everything happens so quickly, the adrenaline is pumping. Natalie: I want you to think using your brains, not your glands. Now try again. [Time lapse. Prue runs up a wall and flips over. Natalie taps her on the shoulder and she turns around. Phoebe levitates and Natalie spins her around in the air. She falls to the ground. Piper freezes lightning balls Natalie throws at her. She misses one and it shocks her.] [Cut to P3. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting at the bar writing a spell. Natalie is sitting at a table near by.] Phoebe: Hey, if we don't vanquish Eames, can we at least vanquish Natalie? Piper: Don't tempt me. Prue: Alright, I've got the cloning portion of the vanquishing spell done. Piper: I'm almost there with the transmogrification. Phoebe: Mine came out a little country western. "I'm rejectin' your deflection." Piper: Well, it works for me, but you have to get it past you-know-who. Phoebe: You know, Leo never had to approve our spells. He trusted us. Prue: Yeah, but she said that she needs to hear it. Phoebe: You know what? What she needs none of us can give her, alright? Prue: Alright, still, but personal feelings aside, you kinda have to admire her professionally, you know? She's very dedicated. Piper: Yeah, but she's not Leo. (Natalie walks over to them.) Natalie: How's that spell coming along? Phoebe: Great. All done. Natalie: Good. Phoebe: Here you go. (Phoebe hands her a piece of paper and she reads it.) Natalie: Okay, let's nail this warlock. Prue: Alright, I'll start scrying for his location. Natalie: No need. I've been working on a new plan, one that would allow us to fight on our turf, not his. Piper: Make him come to us? How? Natalie: What he wants is what you've got. Prue: You're gonna use yourself as bait. Natalie: If I orb in somewhere unprotected, Eames should be able to track me with his Darklighter powers. With the three of you in position, as soon as Eames shows up, I orb out. The advantage is all ours. Piper: Nope. We can't let you do that. It's too dangerous. Natalie: I appreciate your concern. Piper: My concern is not for you, at least not just for you. My concern is if you fail... Natalie: I won't fail. I've gone over every permutation. So long as we follow the rules, we'll succeed. [Scene: Park. The dead witch is still laying there. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are hiding behind some bushes. Natalie orbs in. Eames blinks in.] Natalie: Now! (Eames tries to shoot Natalie with the crossbow but she orbs out. Prue uses her power to knock the bow out of his hands. Eames disappears.) Phoebe: Clone! Prue: Alright, be ready with the spell. He could be anywhere. Get the crossbow. (Piper picks up the crossbow.) Phoebe: Wait, where is he? Why isn't he fighting back? Piper: Maybe because we got the crossbow? Prue: No. Something doesn't feel right. This was way too easy. Phoebe: And even worse, anticlimactic. Piper: Well, who cares? We got the crossbow. Let's go. (They leave.) [Cut to the manor. Natalie is waiting in the foyer. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Natalie: Did you get it? Piper: We got it. (Piper hands Natalie the crossbow.) Prue: Yeah, but we didn't get Eames. Natalie: That's alright, he wasn't our primary goal. You've done well. Prue: I don't know. I think he gave up too easily. Natalie: Maybe you were just prepared and he wasn't. It was our setting, our timing, our plan to execute. Phoebe: Yeah, but we didn't get a chance to execute it. Natalie: We got what we wanted and no one got hurt. This is what happens when Whitelighters and witches work hard together. And thanks to you, they'll get a chance to do a lot more of it. I'll bring this up there. Piper: Uh, does that mean Leo gets to come back? Natalie: That's not my call. I'll see you later. (pause) So Eames didn't fight at all? Prue: Not at all. I flung, he fled. Natalie: Did you wait for him? Look for him? Phoebe: No, we were playing by the rules. Piper: And we grabbed the crossbow, just like you said. Natalie: The crossbow... (The crossbow changes into Eames. He grabs Natalie. Prue uses her power on him and he deflects it, sending her flying. Piper tries to freeze him and he deflects it, sending her to the floor.) Eames: She was right. Way too easy. (He stabs Natalie with an arrow.) Piper: No! (He blinks out of the room with Natalie.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there.] Piper: We followed the stupid rules and look what happened. Phoebe: I hate rules. Prue: I knew something was wrong. Why didn't I trust my instincts? Piper: None of us did, but I am going to now. Leo! Prue, Piper, Phoebe: Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Piper: Okay, look, we-we did everything she asked. I swear. Leo: I know, I was watching. I wasn't supposed to, but enough said. Phoebe: We're through playing by the rules, you know. Prue: Alright, now we need to stop Eames. Leo: Well, I know from experience Darklighter poison doesn't kill immediately, so there's still a window of opportunity. Prue: Great. So we need a plan. What are our options? Leo: There's only one. It breaks the rules big time. Piper: You mean... Leo: Uh-huh. Piper: And we... Leo: Yep. Piper: And that will... Leo: I hope. (Prue and Phoebe look at each other, confused.) [Cut to an alley. Eames and Natalie are there. Natalie's lying on the ground.] Eames: You think dying would be easier the second time around, but it sure doesn't look like it. It's useless to fight the poison. Don't you know death is just the beginning? In this case, of a lot more death. How's it feel to know that you will be responsible for the end of Whitelighters and witches alike? The end of good. Do I hear someone coming? No. But I hear someone going. (He pushes the arrow in Natalie and kills her. He takes her powers. He orbs up into the white misty place. Whitelighters, in their robes, are standing near by. He shoots the crossbow at one, which is really Prue, and she deflects the arrow with her power. Piper, also disguised as one, freezes the arrow in mid-air. Prue, Piper and Phoebe show their faces. Phoebe kicks him and the arrow stabs him in the back.) Eames: What the hell are you doing up here? Phoebe: Kicking your ass. Prue: Don't even bother trying to orb out, it won't work. You see, you didn't just get the powers of a Whitelighter, but you get their vulnerability too, so the poison in that arrow is killing you just like you killed Natalie. Piper: It's kind of poetic. Phoebe: I'm kind of in a rhyming mood. How about you, girls? Prue: Sure. This poison isn't working fast enough for me. Prue, Piper, Phoebe: "Time for amends and a victim's revenge..." Prue: "Cloning power, turn sour..." Piper: "Power to change, turn to strange..." Phoebe: "I'm rejectin' your deflection." (Eames burns and disappears.) Wow. It worked. Prue: Nothing anticlimactic about that. (Phoebe laughs. A Whitelighter approaches them.) Piper: Uh-oh. Here comes one. (Leo shows his face.) Leo: You made your Whitelighter proud. Phoebe: Thanks, but we were just winging it. Leo: Well, whatever you did it worked. Piper: Well, not as well as we would've liked. I'm sorry we couldn't save Natalie. Leo: I know, me too. But she died for the greater good. I know she would've made that choice herself. Phoebe: Although, I don't think that she would have been to keen on us orbing up here. Leo: Which is why we got to get out of here before we all get in trouble. Prue: I, okay, wait a second. No 5-cent tour? No meet the Elders? Leo: We're going. Prue: Leo! Piper: It doesn't matter. It's not like we get to remember it anyway. Leo: You will this time. Piper: Oh. [Scene: Box is playing. Piper and Phoebe are sitting in the alcove. Prue comes up to them.] Prue: I just checked the messages at home and Reece called. Said he needs to talk to you about the case. Phoebe: Really? Did he say it was urgent? Prue: Well, what could be urgent about the case? Phoebe: Nothing. Actually, I can't think of anything that would be urgent. Piper: I can. I urgently want Leo to walk into this bar. He's been up there a really long time and I'm starting to get worried. I don't understand how they can be mad at him after we saved their butts. Phoebe: Well, he broke some pretty big rules while doing it. Piper: Yeah, well, if they hold that against him, I'm crossing over to the other side. Prue: Ditto. Phoebe: Yeah. Ditto. Piper: I've gotta get back to work. (Piper walks away.) Prue: Alright, so what's in that head of yours. Phoebe: Nothing. You know that. Prue: Don't joke. Phoebe, if you wanna talk about it, I'm here. I just wanna help. Phoebe: Um, I was just worried about Leo too, you know. (Leo is near by looking around. He spots Prue and Phoebe.) Prue: I'll go get Piper. (Prue walks away. Leo comes up to Phoebe and sits down.) Leo: Hey. Phoebe: Hi. Leo: How you doing? Phoebe: Oh, I'm great. Actually, I'm lying. I'm awful. Um, I am so sorry that I am such a screw-up. Leo: Hey, hey, I'm the one who should be apologising. I let you down. I should have been watching more carefully. It won't happen again, okay. (Prue and Piper come back over.) Piper: Hey, hey, hey. What took so long? What happened? Leo: I have some news. Piper: Okay. Leo: Well, obviously, they found out that you've been up there, so they decided to review the facts of the Natalie's situation. And they unanimously decided to lift probation. Piper: What? Leo: Piper, we're officially engaged. (Prue gets excited and hugs Piper.) Prue: That's so great. (Phoebe hugs Leo, then Prue hugs Phoebe. Piper and Leo hug while Prue and Phoebe look on, smiling.)	Plan: A: An evil demon; Q: What is Eames? A: Eames; Q: What is the name of the demon that has been killing good witches and their whitelighters? A: their powers; Q: What does Eames want from witches? A: Natalie; Q: Who is the whitelighter of Eames' latest victim? A: Piper; Q: Who is the sister of Prue? A: Phoebe; Q: Who shares a secret about Cole with Leo? A: the book; Q: What does Natalie insist that things be done by? A: the sisters; Q: Who does Natalie constantly butt heads with? A: the whitelighter; Q: Who does Natalie's insistence on following the rules have dire consequences for? A: their own way; Q: How do the sisters defeat Eames? A: a big secret; Q: What does Phoebe share with Leo about Cole? Summary: An evil demon named Eames has been killing good witches and their whitelighters in order to obtain their powers. After Eames kills his latest victim, her whitelighter Natalie comes to help Leo protect Prue, Piper, and Phoebe. Due to Natalie's insistence that things be done by the book, she constantly butts heads with the sisters, and that eventually has some dire consequences for the whitelighter. As a result, they go about vanquishing Eames their own way. Meanwhile, Phoebe shares a big secret about Cole with Leo.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Hathorne: From first wife of Salem to painted whore! I hereby strip you of all your ill-gotten gains. Isaac: Hypocrite! You're all fornicators. Screwing each other every day of the week. Hathorne: This is vile blasphemy, and you will hang for it. The Countess Marburg has put up a bond of surety. Mary: You were to be the offering the last time the comet appeared. If my role requires that I destroy my son, then I choose not to. Cotton: Our battle is not with your son but what is within him. John: No. I'm your father. Can't you hear me? Petrus: A witch dagger to kill, and a medicine bag to be unseen. Boy: Then run and hide, father. She is coming for me. Anne: Give the boy to me. I will take and hide him. Boy: There's something inside of me. Countess Marburg: He is not far. Sebastian: I will remember your eyes at the moment this entered you. John: [Grunts, groans] Sebastian: A fair woman bled dry is the most aesthetically pleasing sight of all. But I... I get no pleasure from watching a man bleed out. A coup de grâce for Captain Alden. John: [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] [Groans] ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Cotton: No. John? John: [Grunting, coughs] My son? Cotton: Have no fear. He is safe. Let's worry about you now. John: [Groans] [Birds chirping] Countess Marburg: Oh, well done, little owl. You have him. [Indistinct conversations] Anne: It's clear. Come. We must hurry. Boy: That's my house. Anne: I know. I know. We must get you inside. Boy: I thought you were taking me to my mother. Anne: I will... when the time is right. Mary: Ha. [Sniffles] Mercy: They say crocodiles weep while they devour their prey. But not even crocodiles eat their own young. Mary: Mercy. I wondered when you'd come. Believe it or not, I am glad you survived. Mercy: Don't play the good mother with me. Good mothers don't burn their children. I finally met a true mother. She healed the wounds you and so many others dealt me. Mary: And asked for nothing in return? Mercy: No more than a loyal daughter would give. Mary: The stories the workhouse orphans are telling are true, aren't they? It is you who've been luring the children away. For her. Mercy: Not just for her. I thought you were the protector of the weak and the dispossessed. Mercy: Well, I learned from you. Care of the self comes first. And I needed them. I was burned. Every inch of my body was blackened and blistered by you. Mary: Maybe so. Oh, it seems all my sins have returned to me... As you have. But, Mercy, do not let your hatred for me blind you. Marburg detests all of the Essex witches. She will betray you in the end. Mercy: Oh, you're just jealous. Mary: [Sighs] Child, what could you possibly possess that would ever make me jealous? Mercy: The heart of a prince. I intend to marry Sebastian Marburg. The first time I saw him, I knew he was meant for me. And the Marburgs are royalty. I'll be a princess, even a real queen someday. Mary: Be careful what you wish for. I can tell you how happy queens are. Mercy: False queens. That's all you ever were. How does it feel... To lose everything you've ever had? Mary: [Chuckles] [Inhales deeply] You'll find out soon enough. Anne: You'll be safe here. No one can find you here. Boy: Is this your room? Anne: Once upon a time, it was, when I was very small. But I don't remember, really. Boy: So many toys. I wouldn't forget them if they were mine. Anne: I'm sure you had as many when you were that small. Boy: They didn't let me have toys. Anne: "They"? Boy: The Widdershins. Anne: Widdershins? Boy: The old ones in the tree where we hid. Anne: But surely, your mother gave... Boy: My mother wasn't allowed there. [Sniffles] Anne: Oh. Boy: And now she's gone again. Anne: I'm sure we'll see her soon. Boy: Why not now? Anne: Well... Do you like animals? I have a friend. His name is... Mr. Jenkins. Boy: [Whimpers] I want my mother. Anne: Please. Stop. Boy: I want my mother. I want my mother. I want my mother! Anne: Stop it! Boy: No. Anne: [Breathing shallowly] [Whimpers] Sebastian: Mm. Sh... aah! Get out! Mercy: Wasn't that a nice way to wake up? Sebastian: Yes, if I liked waking up to a dog nuzzling my bollocks. Mercy: Well, then, tell me what would please you. I'll do anything you want. Sebastian: How about you leave me well and far alone? You're no use to us anymore. Mercy: That isn't true. Sebastian: No, it isn't true. You were never any use to us. Mercy: You're being cruel. I thought you wanted me. Sebastian: Wanted you? No one has ever wanted you. Not your own father, nor the Essex hive, and certainly not I. Mary Sibley is the one I desire, and I shall have no other. Mercy: But... Aah! [Whimpering] [Bones cracking] You're hurting me. [Gasps] [Whimpering continues] Sebastian: No. Now I'm hurting you. Mercy: I'll tell your mother. Sebastian: No need. I'll tell her. She used to like watching me play. Mercy: The countess told me I was like a daughter to her. Sebastian: The queen of queens has a real daughter and no need for a pale, feral imitation of one fished out from Salem's gutters. Mercy: [Whimpering] Sebastian: Now, if... if my mother wants you, she'll fetch you. So stay where you belong... on the ship with the rest of the servants. Cotton: This may hurt. John: [Grunts] All the other guys looked worse. Cotton: That is the best I can manage. I'm afraid I'm no doctor. John: Just as well. Never knew a sawbones didn't double as an undertaker. Ohh. Cotton: Slowly. Easy, now. Any violent movement, you'll split apart like a badly sewn doll. But it won't be sawdust you'll be leaking, my friend. [Water splashing] John: Where did you take the boy? Cotton: He's with Anne. John: Anne Hale? Cotton: Yes. The most wonderful thing... she found us in the woods. She's such a brave girl. She's... John: A witch. Cotton: What? John: Anne Hale is a witch. Cotton: [Chuckles] That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No, that... that's impossible. And she isn't Anne Hale anymore. She's Anne Mather. She's my wife. John: Then you married a witch. Cotton: Why are you saying this utter nonsense?! You don't know this girl as I know her, as I love her. John: And I saw Anne practicing witchcraft with my own eyes. Cotton: Forgive me if I'm reluctant to condemn my wife based on the evidence of a man who has been walking around delirious since he returned to Salem. I must speak to my wife. See with my own eyes. John: No. Don't. Salem's controlled by witches, including the woman that you married. If they find out that you know, they'll kill you. Cotton: She is my wife. I made a vow before God to love her, to protect her, and forsake all others. I don't have any choice. I have to go back. I must at least give her a chance to respond to this... Ridiculous accusation. John: You're a good man, Harvard. Always have been. Better than you know. Could you do me a favor? Be careful. Cotton: You, too, John. John: Cotton... I'll see you on the other side. Countess Marburg: You have the boy. I smelled it in the woods. I sense him here. Anne: I can't let you take him. Countess Marburg: I have no intention of taking him from you. Anne: Then why are you here? Countess Marburg: The comet has nearly passed. We have little time. Tonight, you'll deliver him to me for the consecration. Anne: Never. Cotton: entrusted the child with me. Cotton: is my husband now, and I will not betray him. Countess Marburg: With every breath we take, we betray someone's trust. That is life. It's one grand betrayal after another. It's a most delectable game for those who know how to play. Anne: I never learned any games. Something I found in common with my young guest. Countess Marburg: That's not the only thing you have in common with the little boy. You are both destined for greatness, bound for glory. And neither of you belong with those feral Essex witches. I told you when first we met you are no mere Essex witch, any more than your father was. Anne: My father... Countess Marburg: Was a particular favorite of mine. I sent him away in a dark moment across the sea to find a safe place. You see, I charged him with the greatest of tasks... the greatest of privileges... to father and protect what's most precious to me in all the world... my daughter. Anne: I already killed one mother. Who's to say I won't kill another one? Countess Marburg: You knew? Anne: My father hinted as much in his book of shadows. But it changes nothing. You, of all mothers... have no claim on my affection. Countess Marburg: 'Tis not your affections I claim, but the boy. Anne: The boy is not mine to dispose of. Countess Marburg: Correct. He is mine. Anne: I would think he belongs to his true mother... Mary Sibley. Countess Marburg: You would trust her? I would show you what kind of a mother, what kind of a woman you would give him to. Come. Behold, the symbol of Mary Sibley's kindness... the reward for serving her faithfully. Anne: Tituba? Countess Marburg: And you would prefer Mary Sibley to your own mother? Tituba: How did I not see? You are as much serpent as she. Countess Marburg: And what of it? The first and best of women, our mother Eve, followed the serpent. And ever since, small-minded men have tormented us. Did you never ask yourself what kind of a God plants a tree bearing the fruit of true knowledge, only to forbid his creation to partake? When I look around this dismal chamber, I see three powerful women who all serve the same cause, whether they know it or not. Tituba, you want to live, don't you? Then let us taste what you are made of. Mystery... And misery... And lies. You poor, deluded thing. Mary Sibley has no sympathy for your suffering. Tituba: She has had her own heartbreak to bear. Countess Marburg: An unfaithful lover, an unwanted child. Why, these are trivialities compared to being orphaned, enslaved, sent across the ocean, and passed from hand to sweaty hand. Now, all these years, it's you who has done all the real work. And Mary Sibley has reaped the rewards. Anne: But why has Mary done this to you? What are you being punished for? Tituba: She blames me for all her misery. Countess Marburg: But are you telling the truth? Lies drip from your lips like honey. I can taste the lies that you told Mary, the Essex, John Alden. You may very well survive all of this, if you can be as loyal to me as you have been to him. Tituba: What can a slave like me possibly do for the mighty Marburgs? Countess Marburg: Well, let us speak of the secret Essex stronghold. Hathorne: There was no place for a man like Isaac in George Sibley's Salem, no place for a teller of uncomfortable truths. Isaac: If I was telling the truth, why am I in the stocks? Hathorne: That is the price of telling the truth. If it were free, every Tom, Dick, or Harry would be a truth-teller. To tell your truth, you violated the sabbath, you disrespected your elders and betters. You had to be punished. But I am not George Sibley. And I recognize a young man with potential. And I know how to reward it. You were right to decry the corruption of George Sibley's rule. This is a new day for Salem. Henceforth, you will no longer be known as Isaac the fornicator, but as Isaac the truth-teller. [SCENE_BREAK] [Crowd murmuring] Woman: Can this be so? Man: They're a good size. Use them well. Hathorne: Aye. Isaac: What's this for? Hathorne: A fresh start. I know in your eyes, I am indistinguishable from all the other hypocrites who have ruled Salem, but I am... different. And I truly do want a different Salem. Tell me, what do you want? Isaac: I want justice. Justice for Dollie. Hathorne: Excellent. The world can always use more justice. [Indistinct conversations] Woman: You must be hungry. Take this. Isaac: Thank you. [Sniffs] Ahh. Countess Marburg: Mary Sibley is finished, and rightfully so. But you... you are the blessed star of lamentation, more precious to me than anything. Anne: If I was so precious to you... why didn't you keep me? Countess Marburg: The times were perilous then. We were hunted from city to city, burned at the stake in droves. Anne: So, you hid me from everything, including from myself. Countess Marburg: The more precious something is, the better hidden it must be. And, yes, sometimes, even from itself. Your father and I shared one goal... to keep you safe until the time came. Anne: The time? Countess Marburg: Of your inheritance. You still do not grasp all that awaits you as my true heir. Anne: How can I be your heir if you have a son? It is men who inherit everything. Countess Marburg: Men? Men, even sorcerous ones, are not fit for true leadership. True leadership is the power to deal both life and death, whereas men can only ever wield half that power... the easy part. Now, among the wise, real authority descends through women, and it is you who will inherit my mantle and all that comes with it. You despise the chaos that Mary Sibley has wrought. You long for justice, fairness, a better world. As my heir, you can remake the world in any image you choose, as long as you accept your role and your power. Anne: Mary Sibley would say she attempted just that... to wield her magic for justice. Countess Marburg: She is not one of us. She is a mere upstart pretender... the front woman for a gaggle of twig-worshipping barbarians. You are descended from true kings and queens. Anne: I've never longed for power, only love. Countess Marburg: You actually love him. The queen of true witches in love with a Mather? Very well. You may keep your pet Mather. He will prove a fine puritan beard, perhaps even useful. But understand this... there are mere hours before the comet is gone and our time passed. I really must have the boy. Anne: Or else what? You would kill, torture me, your precious daughter? Countess Marburg: Of course not. But I will kill Cotton Mather... So slowly and painfully that he will curse the day he was born. And it will all be your fault. He will die knowing that his blood is on your hands. So, you see, it's simple. His life... for the boy's. [Horse whinnying] Cotton: Anne? Boy: Let me out! Cotton: Who's there? Boy: Please! Let me out! Mary: I will not stand by and let it all just happen. I will do anything to stop it, even violate my Essex oath. Hear me, old ones. I swear I will not let you ignore me. I will cross the forbidden threshold. I am coming to see you. Fail me... And we are all doomed. Boy: I want to go home! Cotton: Little John? Boy: Please! I want my mother! Cotton: Where are you? Boy: I don't know. [Door creaks] Boy: I want my mother. Anne: I'm here to take you to her. Come now. She will be there. I promise. Boy: I'm scared. Anne: I know. So am I. Cotton: [Grunting] Mary: The Essex tree is deep and wide, but unseen as any breath. I'll pay the price to come inside, though it may mean my very death. Hear me. I am still the samhain of the Essex, and I've made my vow clear. Kill me if you can, but I will come inside. I am no longer Mary Sibley. I'm just Mary. But I am still the samhain of the Essex until one of you foul wretches takes my head. Oh, go on, if any of you dare. And yet, for a brief moment, I have. Too risky? This is our only hope. No! No, if you would... if you would only emerge and rally behind me, then we could defeat Marburg or... or... or die honorably trying. Do not believe Tituba's promises. Whatever she says, the countess will not spare you. You would abandon me after all I have done, all I have sacrificed while we are at war? John. Don't go to sleep, John. John: I'm so tired. Mary: If you sleep, you'll never wake up. You must stay in this world a little longer. John: But to what end? All is lost, Mary. You... Me... him. Mary: Where is he? John, where is our son? John: It's, uh... Witch. Cotton gave him to a witch. Mary: Who? John, who did Cotton give our son to? John: Anne Hale. Mary: Anne Hale. Then all is not lost. I will try to get to her before they can stop me. But, John, listen to me. I may fail. And if all fails, they will take our son to the crags. There you will have one moment... before he is lost forever. John: I can't kill them all. Not with a single shot. And that German bitch... yes, if I could hit her. Mary: No, she cannot be killed. She... Countess Marburg: Welcome back from your little sojourn. It is time. Mary: Is it? I think you've failed. If you had my son, you would be parading him before me as we speak. Countess Marburg: I do not need to hold him in my hand to have him in my grasp. He will be there waiting at the appointed place and time. Now, you must learn your part. Repeat after me. "By my love, you were made. Now in love to return. By my love, offered up. In love's fire, ever burn." Mary: You would have me speak words of love while you destroy him? Countess Marburg: A sacrifice without love is mere slaughter. Now, learn the words. Mary: I will not doom my son. Sebastian: Say the words, please. I do not want to hurt you, but I will if I must. Mary: Go ahead. You can drag me there, but you cannot make me speak. I know what is required. I must say the words willingly, in my own voice. That, I will never do. Countess Marburg: Do what you will. Say the words, and he ascends to glory, or doom him with your silence. Mary: The comet passes directly overhead. In moments, it will be too late. And you still do not have my son. Countess Marburg: No. But she does. Mary: No! How could you? Countess Marburg: You made the wise decision, dearest daughter. Come. Boy: [Whimpering] Sebastian: Bless the knife that splits one into two. Boy: Mother! Countess Marburg: Bless the cup that makes many into one. All: Now midnight come. Let the reign of darkness begin. Countess Marburg: By the eye of the serpent, which blazes overhead, the eye which flies in the sky but once a turning, see we are worthy, see we are ready, and have prepared the pure vessel for you. Boy: Mother! [Whimpering] Mother! Mother, please! Help me! Countess Marburg: This is the place of desolation, the dreaming sanctuary of the deathless flame. And from this open gate of hell comes the walking horizon of the other God-given flesh. Now say the words and see your son fulfill the destiny for which he was born. Boy: [Sniffles] Mary: No. Boy: Mother! Mother! Mary: John. You were not born for this. You were born to be loved. And I do love you. I am so sorry, my love. I have failed you over and over again, but I will not fail you now. Whatever happens, do not be afraid. We will meet again. I love you beyond all measure, beyond any other love, beyond life itself. Countess Marburg: That will do. All the ritual requires is an avowal of complete and total love at the moment of sacrifice. Mary: [Gasps] No. Countess Marburg: Well done. Boy: No! No! Mary: No! Boy: Mother! Help me! Mary: No! No! Boy: [Whimpers] Countess Marburg: Open the womb of darkness, not in fear... Mary: [Cries] Countess Marburg: ... But in love. Mary: No! [Liquid bubbling] [Sobbing] Countess Marburg: Open the gate of creation, the path between world and time. Let the fire of Lucifer and Hecate's love burn the flesh... of this child of serpent and man. Let the flesh receive the new word. Boy: [Gurgling] [Growling] [Roars] [Growling] Boy: Father! Join us. Join us, father, or die! Countess Marburg: Your cowardly lie nearly cost me everything! Mary: [Whimpering] Boy: [Grumbling] Countess Marburg: Oh. My lord. My lord. Ohh.	Plan: A: the Starry Messenger; Q: What comet is drawing closer to John Alden? A: John Alden; Q: Who fights for his life as the Starry Messenger comet draws ever closer? A: Little John; Q: Whose death brings with it great consequences for Witch and mortal alike? A: Count Marburg; Q: Who tells Anne that she is Marburg's daughter? A: a terrifying decision; Q: What is Anne Hale faced with when she learns that she is Marburg's daughter and Sebastian's sister? A: the Countess's plans; Q: What does Anne Hale's decision impact? A: recent events; Q: What is Mary affected by? A: a risky gambit; Q: What does Mary try when she finds herself in a wholly unfamiliar situation? A: the younger Mather; Q: Who is trapped and imprisoned? A: answers; Q: What does Cotton Mather seek out after learning that Anna is a witch? A: Mercy; Q: Who pursues Sebastian in her foolish and hopeless dreams of becoming a ruler and royalty? A: Mary's advice; Q: What does Mercy find to be fatefully and disappointingly accurate? A: a position; Q: What does Isaac find himself in among his fellow citizens of Salem? Summary: With the Starry Messenger comet drawing ever closer, John Alden fights for his very life, while Anne Hale works to comfort and protect Little John whose death brings with it great consequences for Witch and mortal alike. She soon learns from Count Marburg that she is Marburg's daughter and Sebastian's sister, and is faced with a terrifying decision that could greatly impact the Countess's plans. Mary, palpably affected by recent events, finds herself in a wholly unfamiliar situation, leading her to try a risky gambit. Meanwhile, when John tells Cotton that Anna too is a witch, it leads the younger Mather to seek out answers on his own, but he is trapped and imprisoned; Mercy pursues Sebastian in her foolish and hopeless dreams of becoming a ruler and royalty, but finds Mary's advice to be fatefully and disappointingly accurate; and Isaac finds himself in a position among his fellow citizens of Salem.
EXT. NATIONAL PARK - DAY HENDRICKS: Almost there, boys! Just five more to go! JERRY: Minutes? HENDRICKS: Miles, Jerry. Hold up. Come here. Come on. This here's your lucky day. You know what we got here? JERRY: Yeah, a seriously mammoth pile of... HENDRICKS: Bear scat. Fresh. Any brave soul want to investigate this particular bear's diet? JERRY: Sure. My old man always said I was full of this stuff anyway. HENDRICKS: Now, bears are omnivores. They'll basically eat anything. It's not unusual to find digested berries, deer sinew, even bones in a single scat specimen. So, Jerry, tell us. What's this one been eating? JERRY: I think maybe people. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY "RAVENOUS"(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: Trust, me. You've got to see this. ZIVA: I'd rather be taking a shower, Tony. TONY: It's every newbie's worst nightmare.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: This liver shows signs of advanced cirrhosis. It's clearly consistent with the jaundiced skin we noticed earlier. Now if you'll come closer, you'll be able to see the inflammation of the pancreas. Oh, hello! Scalpel, please, Mister Palmer. Every cadaver has its own story to tell. In many cases, it's... it's just a whisper that reveals.... TONY: All new agents are required to observe an autopsy. You should have seen McGee. Hurled. Emptied the contents of his stomach onto Ducky's shoes. DUCKY: It's not only visual cues we look for. Odors can be helpful too. Note the putrid smell. ZIVA: I think he's talking about you, Tony. DUCKY: (V.O.) There's no need to be shy. Odors... (SFX: PROBIE GAGS) ZIVA: We have the same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you. TONY: How do you fail an autopsy?(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: By doing that. What happens if you fail here? TONY: Depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director. You'll have to reschedule your class, Duck. The rangers found a body in Shenandoah Park. DUCKY: Well, perhaps you'd be willing to share the specifics with the class. Yes, the three most frequent causes of death in our national parks are heart attacks, hiking accidents, and prolonged exposure to the elements. GIBBS: Not this time. Sailor was eaten... by a bear. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY TONY: Yet another reason why I never want to go camping. MCGEE: Actually, Tony, bear attacks are quite rare. TONY: Really? Do you want to tell this guy? ZIVA: Not a big fan of nature, huh?(CAMERA FLASHES) TONY: Oh, I'm a big fan of nature as long as it's on TV. RANGER LANDIS: I'd say three hundred twenty five pounds. Maybe six foot standing, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: You found the dog tags here, Ranger Hendricks? HENDRICKS: Right on the other side of the clearing. I followed the tracks back and found... found what was left of his body. ZIVA: Well, the name matches the dog tags recovered by the park rangers. Petty Officer Benjamin Riley. TONY: Bag it. Probie, you were a Boy scout or whatever, right? MCGEE: Yeah. Well, technically I was a Webelos but.... TONY: Whatever. Use your expertise and go and bag and tag that bear poo down there. Bag the poop. GIBBS: When you're done collecting scat, find out what the hell happened to Ducky. MCGEE: Got it, Boss. LANDIS: This entire area is supposed to be off limits to campers. HENDRICKS: A hunter was bear-baiting here last month. TONY: Bear baiting? HENDRICKS: Have you spent any time in the woods, Special Agent DiNozzo? TONY: Well, heck yeah. As much time as I can I'm in the woods. I'm a big fan of mother nature. HENDRICKS: In the off-season, hunters set out food.... always in the same place. Bears get used to being fed and, come season, all they have to do is wait.(CAMERA FLASHES) TONY: That's clever. I'll have to try that the next time out. ZIVA: It's illegal, Tony. HENDRICKS: If I had my way, hunting would be, too. GIBBS: Who was baiting the bear? LANDIS: A local. Jason Edom. We pulled his license and banned him from the park. HENDRICKS: For life. ZIVA: Petty Officer Riley know this was a potentially dangerous area? HENDRICKS: We hand this out to every visitor. LANDIS: Had a real bad drought around here this year. The berries the bears normally feed on have been scarce. A hungry bear will eat just about anything. HENDRICKS: The sad fact is they're going to track down this bear and kill it because your stupid sailor couldn't be bothered to read a three page pamphlet. LANDIS: You'll have to forgive her. She's what we like to call "opposed" to hunting. ZIVA: Yes, that's not the only thing she's opposed to. GIBBS: You said Riley checked in alone? LANDIS: Monday afternoon. I signed him in myself. GIBBS: We're going to need to organize a search. LANDIS: I'm one step ahead of you. I've got a team out tracking the bear now. If he's still in the area, we'll find him. GIBBS: I'm more concerned about the woman. There's two sets of footprints. One is Riley's. The other's a lady's size seven.(CAMERA FLASHES) LANDIS: Are you sure about that? GIBBS: Yeah. Unless these are Navy issue. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STAGING AREA - DAY LANDIS: Listen up! I want four-man teams in each sector. At least two of them armed with rifles. She's been out there at least two nights, possibly injured, and most definitely scared out of her mind. All communications will run through mountain tac one. Most of them have been working search and rescue in the park before I got stationed here. They'll find her. (DOGS BARKING B.G.) GIBBS: Hope it's before the bear does.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CORONER'S VAN - DAY DUCKY: I'm sorry we were so late, Jethro. Mister Palmer's navigating skills still leave something to be desired. JIMMY: Honestly, Doctor, I thought that moss grew on the south side of trees. DUCKY: It does in Australia. TONY: Petty Officer Riley's vehicle isn't in the parking lot, Boss. According to the red - to the local guys, a lot of the campers park their cars at the general store outside the main gate. MCGEE: Park's been having problems lately with vandalism and theft on unattended vehicles. GIBBS: Find it, DiNozzo. TONY: On it, Boss. GIBBS: Move over, Palmer. I'm driving. (MCGEE WAVES TO THE LOCALS) TONY: Don't. MCGEE: Don't what? TONY: Don't encourage them, Probie. Didn't you ever see Deliverance? MCGEE: No. TONY: Well, when you do just remember that I'm Burt Reynolds and you're Ned Beatty. (SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY (SFX: VAN DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) MCGEE: It's Riley's. TONY: Jackrabbit Slims? ZIVA: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction. TONY: You don't know how to say porcupine, but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction? ZIVA: And believe it or not we actually have movie theaters in my country. MCGEE: Locked. TONY: Keys are probably inside. Afternoon. Five dollar shakes. Girls dressed like Marilyn. This could be a little slice of heaven. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DINER - DAY (SFX: MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) TONY: Or not. ZIVA: Do you feel like dancing? MCGEE: They're drinking cappuccinos? TONY: Probably fueling up for the banjo dueling contest later. ZIVA: What's that? MCGEE: Oh, those are scones. Sort of like an English coffee pastry. TONY: I think, Probie, that Ziva was referring to the jar next to the scones. Those are pickled pigs feet, Ziva. I think you'd enjoy them. ZIVA: Ooh, I'll pass on that. They're not exactly kosher. WESLEY: Can I help you folks? MCGEE: I'll take a double-shot, extra foam-- TONY: (OVERLAP) NCIS. WESLEY: You hear about the sailor eaten by the bear? TONY: Well, yes, I guess his car is in your parking lot. WESLEY: Yep. I figured someone would show up for it. I charge park visitors ten bucks a day. I guess I'm gonna have a hard time collecting. ZIVA: Well, that's a good guess. WESLEY: Jason! The key to the Cherokee. ZIVA: Jason ... Edom? JASON: Here you go. ZIVA: Thank you, Jason. JASON: I know you, lady? ZIVA: Not yet. TONY: You see anyone with Petty Officer Riley when he dropped that off? WESLEY: Nope. You? JASON: Nope. You're wasting your time, sweetheart. I don't date your kind. ZIVA: What is your kind, Mister Edom? Breathing? WESLEY: You want to keep working here? You better learn to keep your damn mouth shut. (TO ZIVA) I'm sorry about that, Miss. The boy's a little on the touchy side. TONY: Yeah, I'd say so. Thank you for your help. MCGEE: Ziva, come on. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: (V.O.) The American black bear has a narrow muzzle and a large hinged jaw with enormous crushing power. (ON CAMERA) Six hundred pounds per square inch. No animal of equal size is nearly as strong. You never discovered any of that, did you? GIBBS: How do you know that? DUCKY: Well, when Mister Palmer sponged him down, we didn't find any evidence of slashing or wounds on his hand and forearm. GIBBS: He didn't defend himself. DUCKY: More than that, I'm afraid. The bear's claws and teeth have rounded edges that pierce the flesh. Yes, when I examined Mister Riley's heart, it revealed a very different story. Our Petty Officer was killed with a flat blade. Death would have been instantaneous. Yes, he was dead ... GIBBS: Before the bear started eating him. DUCKY: Yes. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O., he's been on leave the last six days. TONY: Nice vacation. A little camping. A knife to the heart. A little trip inside a bear's digestive track. MCGEE: I'd fire my travel agent. TONY: You're late, Ziva David. ZIVA: I almost forgot it was Abby's birthday. Do you think she'll like them? TONY: (BEAT) Oh, yeah. MCGEE: Yeah. (TONY TOSSES ZIVA A BURRITO) ZIVA: Thanks. MCGEE: Think we should have told her? TONY: Nah. MCGEE: No, me neither. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (SFX: MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) ABBY: Little square, little square, where have you been? Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend. (SFX: ZIVA CLEARS HER THROAT) ABBY: Oh, hey! I was just about to call Tony and McGee. I think they were having sx. ZIVA: Tony and McGee? ABBY: No! Riley and the missing girl. I found this in their camp trash. It's one of those little sticky thingies like you use when you're trying to stop smoking. But it had residue of medication on it. It was progestin and estrogen. ZIVA: Birth control patch? ABBY: Yes. Is that burrito for me? ZIVA: Nope. But these are. ABBY: Oh. ZIVA: (IN HEBREW) Yom mouledet sameach. Happy birthday, Abby. ABBY: Thank you so much! You shouldn't have. ZIVA: You're right. I guess I shouldn't have. I mean, I could get you something else. ABBY: No! I love them. Hey, um... is Gibbs in yet? ZIVA: I haven't seen him. ABBY: Okay. ZIVA: Is something wrong? ABBY: No. Nope. Nothing's wrong. It's just that every year Gibbs usually takes me out to dinner the night before my birthday. It's like a tradition. ZIVA: Well, he probably just forgot. ABBY: Yeah. ZIVA: I mean because of the case! I could remind him when I see him. ABBY: No! Don't remind him. It's really no big deal. I mean, I don't want to distract him and Gibbs is going to want a name to go with this patch. And that means that I have work to do. Thank you for the flowers. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: Oh! Nice flowers, Ducky. DUCKY: Ah, I should hope so. I went to four flower shops to find them. Apparently they're sold out all over the city! (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) (SFX: ZIVA CHUCKLES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: What if we're not looking for a damsel in distress here, Probie. MCGEE: Hmm? TONY: No one saw our missing Jane Doe. Not the Rangers when Riley checked in. Or the hillbillies when he parked his car. MCGEE: She didn't want to be seen. TONY: We could be dealing with a Black Widow here. ZIVA: Lions and spiders and bears. Oh, my! What, Mister Movie doesn't know The Wizard of Oz? TONY: I'm talking about a predatory female here, Ziva. Mates, then kills. Reminds me of my father's second wife. ZIVA: I don't buy your theory. TONY: Oh, what's to buy? She lured him out to the woods, made love to him, then hacked him while he was sleeping. ZIVA: Or ran off while Riley was being stabbed to death. GIBBS: How about neither? TONY: Rough night, Boss? GIBBS: Well, yeah, DiNozzo. I spent it tracking our missing woman with a bunch of volunteers in Shenandoah Park. MCGEE: You found her? GIBBS: No. ZIVA: So she's still out there? GIBBS: Park service thinks so. Here, McGee. Take the film doey-whacker out of there and put it up there on the plasma. MCGEE: Well, Boss, actually, this is a digital camera. They use memory cards now. I'll put the doey-whacker in. GIBBS: There wasn't a sign or a track of a ladies' size seven boot ever leaving that campground. TONY: How'd she get out here, Boss? GIBBS: Like this. TONY: So what's this? GIBBS: Snipers call that a ghost, DiNozzo. Someone who can move through the woods almost undetected. I followed them for three hundred meters before I lost them. They left two obvious signs. The back edge of a military boot heel. And this. MCGEE: Jewelry? GIBBS: Yeah. Get it to Abby. ZIVA: So you think someone carried her away? GIBBS: Well, Ziva, I think she didn't just float out of that campsite. We need to find out who she is. TONY: Right. I talked to the guys Riley worked with at the Navy Yard. Only one of them... a Seaman Brad Phillips, knew he was going camping. Riley mentioned taking a girl he met a couple weeks ago. Phillips never caught a name. GIBBS: Pull Riley's phone records. ZIVA: Did it. And he has a cell phone he doesn't use much. Went back two weeks. Made a couple of phone calls to his family in New York, and the rest were to local businesses and government agencies. GIBBS: Check out his room. TONY: Went through his room at the Navy Yard. Nothing unusual. No sign of a girlfriend. GIBBS: Rangers set up a temporary aid center inside Jackrabbit Slim's for the volunteers. I want you both there. I had them pull the files of all other deaths that happened in that park. ZIVA: Looks like another chance to hit on that cute Ranger, yes? TONY: It's going to be tough, but not impossible. Initial misreads are part of the game. ZIVA: True, except uh... I was talking about me. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY TONY: Maybe she drove out here on her own. That's why no one saw her with Riley. Registration could give us a name. ZIVA: I assume Gibbs would have checked that out last night. TONY: Rule number eight. Never assume anything. ZIVA: To be precise, it's never take anything for granted. TONY: To be more precise, what would you do if I started head-slapping you? ZIVA: I'd most likely kill you. It's a reflex thing. TONY: Gentlemen.... (TO ZIVA) People with guns make me nervous. ZIVA: I noticed. TONY: I was talking about you, actually. ZIVA: Eh! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GENERAL STORE - DAY TONY: Still holding any vehicles for campers? WESLEY ROWAN: Your Agent Gibbs asked the same question... last night. Nope. ZIVA: Looks like the search is good for business. Yes? WESLEY ROWAN: Yeah. LANDIS: Special Agent DiNozzo. Ziva. ZIVA: Find anything? LANDIS: Not yet. We've expanded the search area beyond the initial five mile radius. If she was abducted, she could be anywhere. The park's a hundred and ninety eight thousand acres. It's over three hundred square miles. ZIVA: It's a big area to patrol. LANDIS: Yeah, unless you like to exercise. ZIVA: Well, as a matter of fact, I like to walk and... TONY: Our boss would like any records you have on deaths in the park. LANDIS: Bobby? HENDRICKS: Follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORNER OF THE GENERAL STORE HENDRICKS: These are every death over the last ten years. All ruled natural or accidental. TONY: Thank you. Listen, I just wanted to... I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm not a hunter. I was trying to impress you. HENDRICKS: Really? TONY: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Got anything? ABBY: Define anything. No, thanks. GIBBS: Hair follicles? ABBY: Uh-huh. GIBBS: Our missing woman? ABBY: Most likely. GIBBS: And? ABBY: And Caucasian. Brunette. It's in the anagen, or growth phase. So I can probably get DNA off the root. GIBBS: What about the one on the right? ABBY: It's from Petty Officer Riley's car. They're both from the same person. GIBBS: She drove out there with him? ABBY: You think? GIBBS: Is something bothering you, Abby? ABBY: No. I did a further test on our lady's birth control method of choice. It's a low-level estrogen patch. Prescription dosage is based on weight and height. So odds are she's of average to small stature. Is there anything else I can do for you? GIBBS: Find me a name. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ABBY: Now I know how Molly Ringwald felt in Sixteen Candles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah! ZIVA: (CHUCKLES) That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said no. I don't want him to think I'm sleazy. TONY: That term is "easy." ZIVA: What's the difference? TONY: Mostly the makeup. GIBBS: What do we have? TONY: Uh, over the last seven years, there's been eight deaths in the park, Boss. Three from natural causes, a stroke, and two heart attacks. GIBBS: The others? ZIVA: All accidental. In two thousand, a couple drowned while canoeing. The woman's body was never recovered. TONY: In two thousand two a couple got lost hiking. Their remains were recovered last year. ZIVA: In two thousand four, a woman named... TONY: Tracy Roberts' body was discovered nine months after she went into the park to photograph wildlife. Her remains were-- ZIVA: Too ravaged by animals and the elements to determine a cause of death. GIBBS: I want to see a profile on the address-- MCGEE: Boss, I think I found something. GIBBS: Passports. Get me a.... MCGEE: Boss? GIBBS: What, McGee! MCGEE: Sorry. Uh... I think I found something here. The three dead women. They all fit the same description. Twenties, Caucasian... GIBBS: Brunette, petite? MCGEE: Yeah. Since we all know about how you feel about coincidences, I decided to pull their driver's license photos. ZIVA: Wow, they look like they could be sisters.(CAMERA FLASHES) TONY: Something tells me their deaths weren't exactly accidental. GIBBS: We're dealing with a killer who's using park accidents to cover up murder. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY MCGEE: Three almost identical women. All of them end up dead in Shenandoah National Park. And if our missing woman fits the same profile, we could be dealing with a serial killer. One that uses park accidents to cover up abductions and murder. So what do you think? ABBY: I'm not sure yet, McGee. But I think that this might be unforgivable. MCGEE: Well yeah. Of course it's unforgivable. ABBY: What if he had a really good reason? MCGEE: A good reason? ABBY: Yeah, like he was really stressed out or like overworked. MCGEE: What difference does that make? ABBY: Nobody's perfect. MCGEE: Abby, there is no excuse! ABBY: McGee, that's so sweet. I know it's just a stupid birthday. Who cares if Gibbs forgot? MCGEE: Wait, I guess that I do? ABBY: That's why I love you. When you get all hot and bothered like that, it really turns me on. MCGEE: Really? ABBY: Oh, yeah. GIBBS: Are you two done playing grab-assy, or do I need to transfer McGee to a weather station in the Antarctic? MCGEE: W-We were just... ABBY: I think I found our missing girl, Gibbs. And McGee was just congratulating me. The birth control patch that our Jane Doe was wearing turned out to be a Rosetta Stone. It delivers a very specific estrogen cocktail. It's usually prescribed for women whose systems can't handle the pill. The birth control pill is the most common-- GIBBS: I've had a few wives, Abby. ABBY: And yet, you know so little about women. Luckily, this patch was still in the rollout phase so the company is required to maintain detailed medical profiles on the three thousand women that are using them. I crossed those profiles with the data I pulled off her DNA profile, her race, and her blood type. I came up with two hundred women, Gibbs. GIBBS: Find out which one's missing. ABBY: I'm not done yet. From the hair samples we know that the woman was brunette. So if we subtract blonde women and those with black hair, that brings us to forty three. Of the forty three, only fourteen live in the Mid-Atlantic. I called them all and I got thirteen. Number fourteen.... is Jessica Fagan. She works at HUD in D.C. She didn't show up for work on Monday. She's missing, Gibbs. GIBBS: Have you got a picture? ABBY: I was waiting for the DMV to email me one before I called you. But fortunately, it's already here. MCGEE: Boss, this definitely doesn't look like a coincidence. GIBBS: Ya think, McGee? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: It's confirmed, Boss. She told a co-worker she was going camping with her boyfriend in Shenandoah. GIBBS: Duck, all three of these women's deaths were ruled accidental. Pull their autopsy records along with the two guys who died with them. DUCKY: To look for what specifically? GIBBS: How they were murdered. DUCKY: Oh, right.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) LANDIS: Nice place you've got here, Ziva. ZIVA: Thank you. HENDRICKS: They just cut our wildlife conservation budget and you guys have a skylight? Nice. LANDIS: I understand things have taken a turn for the worst, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: If by worse you mean multiple homicides in your park since two thousand, then yeah. Worse. LANDIS: Well there goes that theory. ZIVA: What theory? LANDIS: I was prepared to say that this could all be just a coincidence, but when you see them like that... HENDRICKS: It's more than a little disturbing. GIBBS: Yeah. LANDIS: What can we do to help? TONY: We're looking for someone who knows his way around your park. Most likely a local. LANDIS: We've got a list of the usual troublemakers; poachers and vandals. But I never figured any of them for a serial killer. ZIVA: Most likely you wouldn't, James. The most successful ones blend into their environment. TONY: Yeah. I mean, look at the BTK killer, right? Pillar of the community, Cub Scout leader, president of his church. HENDRICKS: You're saying it could be anyone? GIBBS: Not in this case. We're looking for someone who carried a woman through the woods and hardly left a track. LANDIS: An experienced hunter? GIBBS: Or someone with military training. LANDIS: I'd like to send the photo of the missing woman out to our search teams. GIBBS: DiNozzo! TONY: I'm on it. LANDIS: Get it to Pete at Jackrabbit Slim's. Tell him to post it on every pole, every fence, every car near the park. HENDRICKS: Got it.(PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I've got something if you're interested. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, we're on our way. (TO ALL) Abby's got something. ZIVA: Our forensic scientist. You'll like her. She's a vampire. (ANGLE ON TONY'S DESK AREA) TONY: So would you like me to email that or fax it? HENDRICKS: Email is fine. TONY: Email it is. HENDRICKS: So is it just me or is it hot in here? TONY: It's probably a little bit of both. Email sent. There you go. So I was thinking about this weekend and-- HENDRICKS: About trying camping? (SFX: TONY GASPS) HENDRICKS: Is something wrong? TONY: I'm married. HENDRICKS: Then why did you ask for my number? TONY: She's dead. (CRYING) It was a... it was a pottery accident, kiln overheated or something. Very unexpected. Very unexpected. I thought I was ready to move on. HENDRICKS: Oh, you... oh, you poor, poor man. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GENERAL STORE (SFX: JASON EDOM CRUMPLES THE PAPER) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: I swabbed what's left of Petty Officer Riley's clothes. It's mostly his blood and what I now know to be bear saliva. GIBBS: He was eaten by a bear, Abby. Tell me something I don't know. ABBY: About the case or perhaps something more personal? GIBBS: Abby? ABBY: I also found traces of a cornucopia of different chemicals sprayed all over his clothes. Phenyl acetic crystals, methyl anthranilate, and acorn, caramel and bergamot oils. LANDIS: A hunting lure? ABBY: You are correct, Mister Ranger, Sir. More specifically, it was Uncle Bebo's Bear Attractant. Somebody hosed the Petty Officer down with it. LANDIS: I can pull a list of every hunter that applied for a bear hunting permit this year. ZIVA: You don't have to. McGee just found who sprayed him with it. MCGEE: Boss, we pulled multiple prints from the equipment at the campsite. Most of them are Riley's. A bunch, I assume are-- GIBBS: You assume, McGee? MCGEE: Well, yeah. I mean, we're working on getting Jessica Fagan's prints to clear them, but we have three other matches belonging to a third individual. Jason Edom. ZIVA: Looks like he was baiting more than bears. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY ZIVA: This man makes my skin crawl.(DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Can you interrogate him without breaking any bones? ZIVA: Truthfully? No. GIBBS: I agree. That's why I'm doing it. You're going to spend the next few hours studying everything we know about him and the evidence. ZIVA: And supply the answers to you in there? GIBBS: No. No, I've got DiNozzo doing that. You're on Edom's side. ZIVA: Meaning? GIBBS: Meaning, you're going to defend him. I want you to assume that he's innocent. ZIVA: The man's a serial killing racist, Gibbs. GIBBS: He probably is. But you're still going to do it. ZIVA: Why? GIBBS: Because you can't walk in there and interrogate him - yet. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) JASON EDOM: You mind telling me why I'm here? GIBBS: You like hunting. JASON EDOM: Last time I checked that wasn't illegal. GIBBS: Your hunting license was pulled. (JASON EDOM LAUGHS) JASON EDOM: You're a Marine, huh? I can tell. My old man was a Marine. Hated his guts. Gets your hands out your pocket, boy. Shave your face, boy. Cut your hair, boy. GIBBS: See? A lasting impression. JASON EDOM: Semper fi. GIBBS: He teach you how to bait bears? JASON EDOM: Nah, I learned that for myself. He was just a real loser. GIBBS: Your record includes more than bear baiting. JASON EDOM: I guess I'm a complicated man. GIBBS: You did time for assault and battery. JASON EDOM: It was a bar fight. I didn't even start it. GIBBS: Do you know him? JASON EDOM: Yeah. That's the idiot who got eaten by the bear. GIBBS: He was murdered first with a hunting knife. You baited the area where that occurred. JASON EDOM: Lookee here, Mister Marine. I haven't been in that park for over a month. Newsflash. I happen to be banned for life. GIBBS: Your fingerprints were found at the campsite. Last time I checked that was inside the park. JASON EDOM: No, that's a damn lie. I've been nowhere near that area. GIBBS: Know her? JASON EDOM: Nope. GIBBS: How about them? JASON EDOM: Like I said... no, okay? I had nothing to do with this. I wouldn't-- GIBBS: Wouldn't what? JASON EDOM: Kill people. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not some... some psycho. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes, I'll hold. TONY: You shave, right? ZIVA: What? TONY: Nothing. So how did the killer's prints end up at the campsite? ZIVA: Obviously when he murdered the sailor and abducted the girl! TONY: No, Gibbs wants you defending him, Ziva. ZIVA: McGee, what objects were the killer's - sorry, sorry - Edom, Edom, Edom's prints found on again? MCGEE: Two cans of tuna, one pack of double A batteries. ZIVA: All items sold at Jackrabbit Slim's. Okay, so what if Riley bought these items and Edom placed them in the bag? TONY: (CLAPS) Yeah! That was actually plausible. Nice job. But it is hard to prove. ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) I'm still here, yes. TONY: Okay, Edom's a hunter, right? He's familiar with the area and he's done time for violent crime. ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Thank you. TONY: And we found his prints at the campsite, so... ZIVA: He didn't do it. TONY: Okay, you're not getting this. You can't just say he didn't do. MCGEE: Ziva, he's right. You need to back your side up with facts and rational... ZIVA: The night Riley was murdered, Edom was at his daughter's dance recital in Manassas, Virginia. Multiple witnesses. TONY: Unbelievable. ZIVA: I agree. I thought for sure this was our man. TONY: No. I mean, this guy actually reproduced? ZIVA: Gibbs, we just-- TONY: Confirmed Edom's alibi. He was in Manassas the night of the murder. ZIVA: He didn't do it. GIBBS: I know. TONY: He knows. ZIVA: So what now? GIBBS: You're going to go down there and have a talk with him, Ziva. ZIVA: Why? You just agreed he didn't kill the Petty Officer. GIBBS: Because he knows who did. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ZIVA: It's not poisoned. (LONG BEAT) Afraid of germs? JASON EDOM: I didn't kill those women. ZIVA: I know. You were at your daughter's dance recital. You know, I used to spend most of my time on stage, searching for my father's face in the audience. But he was never there. Even when he promised he'd-- JASON EDOM: I drove all the way to South Carolina once. ZIVA: To watch your daughter dance? What's her name? JASON EDOM: Sarah. ZIVA: That's a Hebrew name. It means Princess. JASON EDOM: I didn't know that. ZIVA: Each of them was someone's princess, Jason. JASON EDOM: (SOBS) She should have never left him. Not like she did. ZIVA: Left who? JASON EDOM: Wes. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Boss, State Trooper's just missed Wes Rowan. He left Jackrabbit Slim's with a rifle and a backpack. Said he was going to help with the search. GIBBS: He is the search, McGee. TONY: Jessica Fagan was Wes Rowan's childhood sweetheart. It was all pretty much all over when she filed a restraining order against him in two thousand. GIBBS: Why am I just finding out about this now? TONY: She legally changed her name. It used to be Parker. ZIVA: Most likely to make it difficult for Rowan to locate her. When he couldn't, he took his anger out on women who resembled her. TONY: That could explain why she never let anyone at Jackrabbit Slim's or the park see her. GIBBS: Oh, you think, DiNozzo? (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. Abs, I have no time. Two minutes. MCGEE: Boss, State Troopers are setting up roadblocks on all highways leading down from the mountains. GIBBS: He took his backpack with him, McGee. He's not planning on coming down. Grab your gear! I'll meet you out back in five! MCGEE: Guess what, guys. Rowan is a hunting guide, and apparently one of the best in Virginia. ZIVA: Great! He'll be like finding a pin in a haystack. TONY: A needle in a haystack. ZIVA: Well, aren't these just as hard to find? TONY: No. MCGEE: No. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: You've got two minutes, Abby. Starting now. ABBY: I don't need two minutes. Just a minute. Or maybe only forty five seconds. GIBBS: Abby. ABBY: I pulled skin cells off the rhinestones that you found in the park, and the DNA matches Jessica Fagan's hair. GIBBS: You could have told me that on the phone. ABBY: Well, I also found traces of blood! I have a theory, Gibbs. I made this in high school. GIBBS: A minute thirty three. ABBY: Okay. I screwed up a bunch of times and pulling these things off is really hard. I cracked two nails and I cut my finger. GIBBS: Oh hell, she's leaving a trail. That's great work, Abs. ABBY: Wait, I still have a minute and change left. Um... I know you're really busy with the case, and I understand. GIBBS: Understand what? ABBY: That you forgot my birthday. GIBBS: I didn't forget. ABBY: You didn't? GIBBS: No. I remember how old you are, too. ABBY: Oh, you can forget that. GIBBS: Check your desk. ABBY: No. I have been working in here all night. There is no way you snuck by me. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) (ABBY WALKS TO HER DESK) ABBY: This is so Pulp Fiction. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I've been searching the building for you. GIBBS: You found me. DUCKY: She may still alive, Jethro. I re-checked the Rappahannock County M.E.'s records. All three victims had hairline fractures. The medical examiners assumed that these were caused by animals or falls in the woods. GIBBS: They didn't know she was murdered, Duck. That bstrd beats them. DUCKY: I'm afraid so. GIBBS: How does that make her alive? DUCKY: Some of these fractures had minute calcification. They'd begun to heal, Jethro. GIBBS: How long? DUCKY: Oh, I'd say a week or ten days perhaps after he beat them. (TO SCREEN) He'll find you, my dear, hopefully before it's too late. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. TRAIL HEAD - DAY HENDRICKS: There are hunting cabins along this edge of the park. He could have taken her to one of them. TONY: Any cabins in the park? HENDRICKS: Two. Birch and Pine. Gotta reserve them a year in advance. They're real popular. TONY: Is anyone there now? HENDRICKS: No. We only open them Memorial Day to Labor Day. GIBBS: Where? HENDRICKS: Pine's here. Birch is here. GIBBS: The other night I lost the trail right here. Jessica could be in one of those cabins. HENDRICKS: Checked them the first day. GIBBS: What if he held her in the woods while you searched the cabin? Search them again. Where is Ranger Landis and the search party? HENDRICKS: Razorback Ridge. GIBBS: Well, he's a lot closer than we are. Have him search them. McGee! DiNozzo, you're with me. Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks. ZIVA: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited if I actually went... GIBBS: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. HENDRICKS: I hate it when men try to protect you because you're female. ZIVA: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'll kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIL - DAY TONY: For a ghost, he's sure leaving a lot of footprints. GIBBS: He took a knee here. TONY: Maybe he heard McGee coming. GIBBS: No. He's tracking. TONY: Tracking who? He already knows where the girl is. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. RANGER STATION - DAY HENDRICKS: (INTO RADIO) James? Bobby, how you doing?(DOOR OPENS) LANDIS: (V.O./FILTERED) Almost to Pine Cabin. I've got Beaufort and Max checking Birch. HENDRICKS: (INTO RADIO) You be careful, you hear. LANDIS: (V.O./FILTERED) Don't you worry about me, Bobby. Out. ZIVA: You both live here? HENDRICKS: Jim does. I got me a log cabin about a mile down the road. Built in the eighteen thirties. ZIVA: Is that old? HENDRICKS: Yeah, around these parts it is. ZIVA: I'm sorry, that was bitchy. I get that way when I'm tired. HENDRICKS: Yeah. Me, too. That'll be more searchers. I'd better go brief them. ZIVA: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap? HENDRICKS: No. Just hang from the rafters. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIL - DAY TONY: What is it, Boss? GIBBS: The trail's too obvious. MCGEE: Rowan doesn't know that we're tracking him. GIBBS: Or he's setting an ambush. McGee, I want you thirty meters to my right. DiNozzo, thirty to my left. I'll stay on the straight. TONY: What if it is an ambush? GIBBS: I want you guys to get him before he gets me. Go! Go! Be ghosts. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABIN - DAY (SFX: ZIVA STARTLES AWAKE) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA PICKS UP THE RHINESTONE) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIL - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS/ MCGEE AND TONY WALK SLOWLY ALONG THE TRAIL) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABIN - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA LOOKS FOR RHINESTONES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIL - DAY (SFX: GUNFIRE) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) LANDIS: I got him. TONY: I thought it was you, Boss. MCGEE: Me, too! WESLEY ROWAN: I ... I was trying to find Jessica. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABIN - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ZIVA SEARCHES THE CABIN BASEMENT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIL - DAY GIBBS: We've got to get him to a hospital. LANDIS: We ought to just let the bst*rd bleed to death. GIBBS: If he dies, we may never find that girl alive. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABIN - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ZIVA UNLOCKS THE DOOR) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIL - DAY GIBBS: Your station can't be far. LANDIS: Maybe a quarter of a mile that way. GIBBS: You got him? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABIN - DAY (DOOR OPENS) HENDRICKS: Jim made it in. They got Rowan. ZIVA: Call nine one one! HENDRICKS: I just did for Rowan. They're bringing him in wounded. How? ZIVA: You tell me. She was in your root cellar. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. TRAIL - DAY GIBBS: I thought you were leading the search? LANDIS: Bobby radioed. She had fresh searchers. I was cutting back to pick them up and I spotted Rowan sneaking through the woods. GIBBS: He wasn't sneaking, he was tracking. HENDRICKS: (V.O./FILTERED) Jim, this is Bobby. Officer David found Jessica Fagan. She was in your root cellar. Jim? Jim, do you read me? LANDIS: Drop that shotgun. HENDRICKS: (V.O./FILTERED) Jim, are you there? GIBBS: How many? LANDIS: Twenty seven. No, twenty six. Can't count Jessica. I didn't finish with her. (SHOUTS) Drop that shotgun! (MUSIC OVER ACTION) MCGEE: Take him! Take him! TONY: No, no, no. Leave him. MCGEE: We gotta help Boss. TONY: He doesn't need your help. Look at him! (F/X: LANDIS RUNS ACROSS THE CLEARING) (SFX: GUNSHOT) (SFX: LANDIS MOANS B.G.) MCGEE: Boss didn't...? TONY: Nah. He wouldn't do a thing like that. (MUSIC OUT)	Plan: A: teenagers; Q: What group found the dog tags of the Petty Officer? A: bear feces; Q: Where did a group of teenagers find the dog tags of a Navy Petty Officer? A: his corpse; Q: What was eaten by the bear? A: Evidence; Q: What shows that the Petty Officer was camping with a woman? A: Things; Q: What takes a horrifying turn when the team discovers that all the accidental deaths might not be natural or accidental at all? A: all the accidental deaths; Q: What do the team discover might not be accidental deaths at all? A: a serial killer; Q: What does Gibbs suspect is on the loose in the park? A: the deaths; Q: What is a serial killer using to cover up something much worse? A: murder; Q: What is the serial killer trying to cover up? Summary: A Navy Petty Officer is found eaten by a bear after a group of teenagers found his dog tags in bear feces in a national forest . However, an autopsy reveals that the Petty Officer was killed by a blade to the chest before his corpse was eaten. Evidence also shows that he was camping with a woman, who is now missing. Things then take a even more horrifying turn when the team discover that all the accidental deaths might not even be natural or accidental at all, leading Gibbs to suspect that there's a serial killer on the loose in the park, one who's using the deaths to cover up something much worse: murder.
[Scene: The Film Set. It is the final day of filming, and everyone has gathered together for their final meeting together. Todd stands up and begins to make a speech to all of the crew of the movie.] Todd: Time of wrap, please, Dawson? Dawson: 12:07 A.M. Todd: So that's what, Monday? 12:07 A.M. Sometime in January, and we have done it, people. We have finished principal photography. [All cheering] Todd: So, although it's rather out of character for me, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for all your hard work and to propose a toast. To us, and our movie. Cheers. [All cheer and raise their glasses of champagne] [Todd walks away from Dawson and Natasha comes walking up to Dawson from behind him.] Natasha: It's strange, isn't it, that all this will just be gone tomorrow, like it never even existed? Dawson: Hey. Natasha: Nice speech, by the way. And don't even bother trying to pretend that it was Todd's idea, because that puppy had you written all over it. Sincerity, warmth, and a hint of something, I don't know. Bittersweet? Or was it just bitter? Dawson: Well, that's what wrap parties are all about, aren't they? I know you're more experienced at them than I am. Natasha: So, are you going back to L.A. Tomorrow, or what. Dawson: Yeah, with Todd. You? Natasha: Afternoon flight. Max got me a small part in that Spielberg film he's doing. You know, it's, like, 2 days work whatever, but who knows? Maybe it'll lead to bigger things. Dawson: Knowing you, Natasha, I'm certain it will. Natasha: Is that a little attitude? A break in the oh, so professional on-set demeanor you've been cultivating since the New Year? Dawson: Not everyone on the planet is acting every second of their lives, you know. Natasha: No, maybe not, but in Hollywood, they are. So, good-bye, Dawson. Good luck out there. I have a funny feeling about you. Dawson: What's that? Natasha: That you're gonna need it. Dawson: Right. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey in the backroom, talking on her cell phone.] Joey: [Monday] Hi. It's me. Um, I'm back at school. I mean, I've been back. [Flash to Tuesday in the bar] I wasn't going to call you, because, you know, you haven't called me, and I do have something called pride, though apparently not enough, because, you win, ok? I'm being the typical girl and calling you. And in retrospect, you know, I really don't think Christmas went that badly, if you grade it on one of those who's afraid of Virginia Woolf type scales. But, um, anyway, you're probably out pounding the pavements and stuff, so just give me a call when you get a chance or whenever. Ok. Bye. [She hangs up the phone and walks out and past the pool table] Man: Hey , how did you get in here, you don't look a day over 16. Harley: People always think I'm 16, but, duh, I am totally 18. [She stops recognizing the voice of the girl talking when she walks by the pool table] Joey: Don't you mean 15? Nice talking to you guys. [She pulls Harley away by the arm] Harley: Ow! Maniac. Joey: Harley, what are you doing here? I thought Christmas vacation was long over for the Britney and Christina set. Harley: I'm not on vacation. Unfortunately, I live here now. So, where's Eddie? He's the only nice person I know in Boston, and he still owes me a root-beer float. Joey: Wait a second. You live here full-time now? As in full-time with your father? Harley: Yes. Why are you smiling? Joey: Sorry. It's just your father's such a great guy, he deserves to have such a well-behaved, good-natured, teenage girl living with him full-time. Speaking of which, why aren't you in school right now? Harley: If I tell you, will you tell me where Eddie is? Joey: Out with it. Harley: Ok, fine. I was on a field trip, and I ditched. You would, too, if your entire life was ruined by your mother's sudden need to do research in Bangladesh. Joey: Harley, your life isn't ruined. You're just being melodramatic. Harley: Right. Like you would know what it's like to have your life ruined? Joey: Look, he's not here, ok? Eddie. And to be honest, I don't exactly know where he is. Harley: Man, I can't believe you messed it up with him. He was amazing. He was beyond amazing. Joey: Look, I'll go get you a root-beer float, and then you have to go back to school. I don't care how miserable it is. It's just life. Life is miserable. [Scene: Boston Aquarium. Pacey enters the Aquarium, and begins walking around looking from one fish tank disply to the next.] Woman: Hey, guys. Hey, stay with your partners, guys. Stay with your partners. Let's go. [As he walks down one of the walk ways he sees Emma sitting on a bench by a large tanks drawing on a pad, and listening to headphones and walks over to her] Pacey: Ok. Shouldn't you be doing that in a museum? Emma: Oh, bloody hell. Pacey: Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Emma: Well, you did. It's not the sort of place you expect to find stockbrokers. Pacey: Give me a break, would you? I'm on my lunch hour. Mind if I sit? [He goes to sit next to her, and she shoos him over to the bench across from her.] Emma: No, go ahead, but don't sit too close. Pacey: I know, that overwhelming physical attraction's getting to ya, huh? Emma: No, that's not it, exactly. Pacey: Really? Emma: No. I just don't want anyone to know that, uh, you're with me. Pacey: Thanks. Emma: [Laughs] What are you doing here, anyway? Pacey: I work near here. I come here all the time. The better question is what are you doing here? Emma: I'm just killing time till 1:00. Pacey: What happens at 1:00? Emma: Well, you should know this, since you come here all the time. Pacey: On my lunch hour, which happens at noon. So I come here, I walk around, have a slice of pizza, and I'm out the door by 12:45. Emma: Ah, back to work. Pacey: Yeah, that's why they call it the lunch hour. 'Cause, you see, if was to stay till after 1:00, by the time I got back to work, it'd be the lunch hour and a half, and we just can't have that, now, can we? Emma: Then I don't want to keep you. Pacey: Excuse me? Emma: It's 12:46. [He looks up at the clock on the wall, and sees that it is 12:46] Pacey: Oh. Right. Right. Then I'll... I'll just see you back home. [Scene: The Help Line. Jen is talking on the phone, while CJ is sitting across from her with a clip board in his hand.] Jen: Well, of course it sucks. That's why they call it life. And what is it really, other than an endless series of mind-numbing days, one on top of another. Alienation, despair-- these are the natural by-products of living in a mechanized society CJ: Ok, stop. Jen: Stop? CJ: Yeah. Um... a lot of people get depressed this time of year. I don't think they're calling in hoping to talk to Kierkegaard. Jen: But you said he was a philosophy major. CJ: Whatever. Look, I just, I don't wanna fight, ok? I get annoyed, and you get defensive. Let's just move on to the next one. Jen: No. Let's not. I quit. CJ: You can't quit. You haven't even started yet. It's your first day of training. It's your first hour. Jen: Yeah, well, if the training consists of sitting here for a week and listening to you act superior to me CJ: I've been doing this for 2 years. Jen: Great. Well, maybe your expertise will come in handy when we get to a hypothetical situation involving casual sx and a couple of blond girls. CJ: Maybe you're right about one thing. Let's call it a day. So, come back tomorrow or don't come back, but whatever you decide, you should make it about you, not me. [Scene: The Health Clinic. David is talking to a nurse, while Jack is sitting on a bench waiting impatiently.] David: Ok. This'll do nice. Thanks. [David goes back and joins Jack.] David: Damn. Jack: What? David: Oh, there's no good magazines to read. Jack: That's it? I mean, you're not at all nervous about this David: Oh, it's a piece of cake. I've done it, like, a million times. Jack: A million? David: Give or take. I'd be a pretty hypocritical peer counselor if I didn't practice what I preached. Jack: Right. David: Seriously, it's no big deal. And the most embarrassing part is when they ask what kind of high-risk behavior you've engaged in the past 3 to 6 months. The only thing I can come up with is eating carbs after 9 P.M. and jaywalking. [The Nurse comes over to their area.] Nurse: Jack McPhee? David: It's fine. [Scene: The Hollywood Studio Office. An Executive is reading from cards in his hand as he walks around the table, behind Dawson and Todd while they sit there listening to him go on about their film. Sever other executives are there as well.] Executive: Blindingly dull. Achingly dull. Mind-numbingly dull. Todd: I see, and what do these little cards prove exactly? Other than the fact you've been previewing the bloody thing all along? Executive: They prove that we're not through shooting. That's what they prove. Todd: Reshoots? Executive: Absolutely. More sx. More violence. Maybe a little twist in the plot that's not predictable from the very first frame. I mean, obviously, the goal here is to try to make this damn thing watchable. Todd: I see. So, you're calling my movie unwatchable? Executive: I don't have to. They did. You want me to read some more? Todd: No, that won't be necessary, thank you. [Grabs a pack of cigarettes out of his coat] Anyone got a light? If I'm gonna sit here and take artistic advice from every tom, dick, and Harry in Tarzana that didn't have anything better to do last Wednesday night, then I'm gonna bloody well need some nicotine, all right? Light, please, Dawson. [He reaches into his pocket and grabs something and puts it into Todd's jacket pocket before getting up] Dawson: Um, you know what? I'm gonna go get one. [He goes out into the foyer, and grabs a phone and makes a call] Dawson: Come on. Pick up the phone. [Cell phone rings and Todd begins to look around to see where the sound is coming from.] Dawson: Reach into the pocket and pick up the phone. [He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone and looks at it like where did this come from] Todd: Hello? Dawson: Shut up before you make this any worse and get out here. [Dawson hangs up, and Todd looks at the phone .] Todd: Hello? Hello? [Todd hangs up the phone and stands up] Todd: Excuse me. Executive: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where do you think you're going? Todd: Oh, I'm sorry. Don't mean to be rude. There's another idiot out in the hall that requires my attention. [Scene: Out in the Foyer. Dawson is standing there waiting when Todd comes storming over to join him.] Todd: And just what in the bloody hell do you think you're doing?! Dawson: What do I think-- what are you doing? You're digging yourself a hole in there bigger than the La Brea tar pits. Todd: Did it ever occur to you that might be my intention? Dawson: You never wanna work again? Todd: We're in charge here. We make the decisions. Dawson: Which is all well and good except for one thing. Todd: What? Dawson: It's their money. Look, you brought me here for my ability to stay calm in a crisis, right? Well, this is it. This is a crisis 'cause if you don't go back in there and act happy about these reshoots, they're gonna get somebody else to do it, somebody who can ruin this movie. Todd: And would that be such a tragedy? Dawson: Yes. Look, maybe I'm naive thinking that this whole system, this whole process, can only produce something that's a notch above mediocre, but I want this thing to be good. I want it to be as good as it possibly can be, and I don't think I would've stuck it out working for you this whole time if you didn't want the same thing. [Scene: Back in the conference room. Dawson and Todd have returned and are peacefully sitting down listening to the Executive speak.] Executive: So, we figure 3 days of reshoots on a soundstage here in L.A., Very minimal budget. The whole idea here is to, uh, come up with a new ending. Something that's watchable. Or at the very least, something that makes sense. Now, I have no idea what that's going to be, but Heather here seems fairly confident that given enough nicotine, alcohol, caffeine, you might be able to pull something off. Todd: Well, that's, uh, very charitable of her. Thank you, sweetheart. Executive: Mm-hmm. All right, Todd, what's it gonna be? Todd: Well, I can see where you're coming from. I can. I can see where you're coming from. I can see how you and other people like yourself, people of lesser intelligence, might be a bit confused by my movie. And I can see how you actually don't have any new ideas of your own on how to improve it, because, after all, you're not really in the business of having ideas, are you? Oh, that's right. You think you are. Well, you're not. You're in the business of criticizing other people's ideas. Which is why, after much careful consideration, I'll be throwing your most generous offer back in your face and leaving. Good-bye, and good luck with all your future endeavors. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Professor Hetson's Class. It is now Wednesday. Professor Hetson is lecturing the class, and is finishing up for the day, and Joey is just trying to pay attention, but has other things on her mind.] Hetson: Well, then, since nobody seems up to the rhetorical challenge of convincing me that Norman Mailer was wrong when he dismissed all female writers as unreadable, that's it for Wednesday. [Everyone begins to leave, and Hetson begins to pack up his bag, when Joey walks timidly up to him.] Hetson: Oh. That can't be Joey Potter. Guess one D" isn't enough to get anyone thrown out of Worthington anymore. Joey: Sweet, really, your overwhelming concern for my future, but that's actually not why I'm subjecting myself to your toxic personality. Hetson: Great. And I'll skip ahead to the part where I inform you that no, no matter how many times you ask, it will never be possible for you to drop this course without forfeiting your credits from the first semester. Joey: Look, I don't want to be standing here talking to you any more than you want to be listening to me. I just need to tell you that your daughter... well, she may not be as safely ensconced in Milton academy as you currently think she is. Hetson: What does that mean? Joey: She's cutting class, ok? Hetson: I'm a little confused as to why you're telling me. Joey: She came into the bar yesterday, on the lam from some field trip, and... god knows where she went when she left. I just... but call me crazy, I just figure these are the things the father of a 15-year-old girl wandering the streets of Boston should know. Hetson: The subtext here being that these are the things that a father would know if he were paying attention. Joey: I didn't say that. Hetson: You didn't have to. Look... I'll tell you what. [Sighs] Let's make another one of our famous deals. You stay out of my life, and I'll do my very best to stay out of yours. Joey: Gladly. You know, I'm sorry for the intrusion. I guess I was naive enough to think that this might actually be about something other than your gigantic male ego. [Scene: The Boston Aquarium. Pacey and Emma are walking the next day along one of the walkways talking to one another.] Pacey: So you're saying that that doesn't bother you, the whole life-as-repetitive- stress-injury thing? Emma: No, it does, but nothing prepares you for a life of mind-numbing boredom and repetition so much as studying music as a child. Pacey: Piano lessons? Emma: Violin. Pacey: Yeesh. Emma: Yeah. My mum taught piano, though, to a series of ever-changing twits who all had one thing in common: They were allergic to dogs. Pacey: So you had fish. Emma: Tanks full. So, what's yours, then? Pacey: My what? Emma: You excuse for coming here every day. It can't simply be a matter of geographic proximity. Pacey: No, it's not. It's, uh... it's much like yours, really. It's sort of a window into the person that I used to be. Emma: You used to be another person? Pacey: Much as I'm sure you weren't born with pink hair, I am not the conservative person you think that I am. Emma: You're not? Pacey: No, I'm not. Emma: Prove it. Stay. Pacey: Stay here? Emma: Come on, I don't think you taking one afternoon off is going to send capitalism screeching to its knees. Pacey: No, it probably won't, but it will catapult me to the top of the Rich Rinaldi firing list. Emma: Yeah, that's such a bloody tragedy. [She reaches into her pocket and grabs her cell phone and hands it to him] Emma: Here. Call them. Tell them, I don't know, that you're sick or something. Pacey: You're serious about this? Emma: Yeah. Question is: Are you? Pacey: [Laughs] [He dials the phone] Pacey: Hi. Can I speak to Rich Rinaldi, please? [Coughs] [Coughs] [Scene: The Help Line. Jen is talking on the phone again, while CJ is sitting by her with his clip board.] Jen: Ok, well, if what you're telling me is true, is that you've-- you've had unprotected sx with 17 women in the last 3 months, then I definitely think it's a good idea for you to get tested. For you and for all of those hot women you've been sleeping with. [The camera pans past CJ and we see that David is on a phone on s desk a little ways away from him and he is actually talking to Jen.] David: What? What? I have nailed many a hot girl in my day. CJ: Hey, I believe you. David: Thank you. I can't believe I volunteer to help you guys and get criticized for my acting abilities. Jen: Oh, please, like you could ever be straight. Your heart is too big, and so is your brain. David: [Laughs] She's hostile. CJ: Told you. Jen: Could you please not talk about me like I'm not in the room. So I have some anger. Can you tell me that there's something wrong with expressing your emotions? [Jack comes into the Help line and goes over to David] Jack: Hi. David: Hey! Jack: Sorry. Am I, uh, interrupting David: No, no, it's cool. We're--we're done here, I think. CJ: Yeah, it's 4:00. We're done. David: So... you guys think you can get along without me tomorrow, or what? Jack: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. You mean the only reason you're hanging around here all afternoon instead of wasting time with me is because she can't manage to get along with him? Jen? Jen: Are you mad at me, too? You can't loan me your boyfriend for one measly hour? Is he your boyfriend? Have you guys kissed yet? Did I miss all of this over Christmas vacation? Jack: Charming. Let's go. [Jack and David leave, and CJ is just looking at Jen.] Jen: Why are you looking at me? CJ: Hostile. [Scene: The Hollywood Office Conference room. Dawson looks back at the clock then sighs as he looks down at the papers in front of him. The executives are there too and getting impatient. You can tell that they are waiting for Todd who is nowhere in sight.] Dawson: [Sighs] Executive: Aha. So he's changed his mind, has he? Come to his senses? Not that his apology's going to be accepted, mind you. Heather: So where is he? Caught in traffic? Smoking? Dawson: Not exactly. Heather: Dawson? Dawson: Yeah. You know, technically, actually, he's not gonna be here today, uh, because technically, he... doesn't know that this meeting is taking place. Heather: You set this up? Dawson: Um-- yeah. Uh, technically. Heather: [Chuckles] You set this up to apologize for him, to smooth things over, to clean up after his mess... like you've been doing all along? Dawson: Yeah, kind of. Look, nobody sets out to make a bad film. Todd wants it to be better. I know that he does. And he might be too proud to admit it, but he's got, like, 5 alternate endings in his head. This is stuff we've been talking about all along, stuff that can easily be done on a soundstage in 3 days for no money. Executive: Well, that's all very sweet and moving, but since I don't see him here on his knee begging for forgiveness, you're wasting my time, my friend. Heather: Unless Executive: unless what? Heather: Unless the answer to our problems is sitting right in front of us. Executive: Excuse me? Dawson: Excuse me? Heather: I know this is gonna sound crazy, but just stay with me for a second. He knows the footage we've already shot. He knows the script, the actors, the crew. Personally, from what I've seen, I think he could do it. Dawson: Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Executive: What? You're saying you can't do this? Dawson: No. I'm saying this is insane. Executive: All right, let me ask you this. Hypothetically, if you had to, could you direct the reshoots of this movie? Dawson: Well, yes, but that's not Executive: all right. Call his agent. Heather: I don't think he has one. Executive: Well, then don't call his agent. Call his mother and make her sign a permission slip. Dawson: Wait a minute. Wait-- hold on a second. This is insane. This is--this is not why I came here today. This is not what I wanted to have happen. Heather: Well, guess what? It did. And since opportunities like this don't come along every day, I'd hop on the happy train. Or, I'm sorry, is being a director not the fulfillment of a dream you've been waiting your entire life for? Dawson: No, it is. It definitely is, but Heather: We'll be in touch. [Door closes] Dawson: Oh, boy. [Scene: A Beach in LA. Jack Osborne and Audrey are walking along the beach, which has obviously had a party the night before.] Audrey: So did we ever figure out whose party this was? Jack: No. Some dude's, Audrey: then I don't suppose we ever figured out what day it is. Come on! Give me a break! Jack: So's your friend coming to pick us up or what? I really vote we take a cab. Audrey: Yeah, and pay the guy with what? You know, you being famous doesn't make me any less broke Jack: what? You're broke? Audrey: Yes, jack, Audrey Liddell is broke. Is that so impossible to believe? Jack: Wow. Someone must be paying too much for their drugs. Audrey: You know, contrary to popular opinion, I'm not on drugs. Jack: Yeah, right. You know, I hate to be judgmental like your weird college friends, but please don't rip my lungs out of my chest when you have some bad PCP. Audrey: Shut up, will you? He's coming. Jack: Who? Your friend? Audrey: Dawson. Dawson leery. I'm sort of on thin ice with him at the moment, so if you can find it within yourself to shut up about drugs for, I don't know, say, the next half an hour Jack: What? You'll make it worth my while? Audrey: Don't I always? Jack: So you're saying I can go through your underwear drawer unsupervised? Audrey: No! That's gross! I'll sit on your lap the whole way home, ok? Jack: All right. Cool. Audrey: But one word about any sort of illegal substance, and you have blown it. Jack: Hey, I have self-control. Audrey: I'll believe that when I see it. [Dawson comes waling over to them.] Jack: I'm going to go wait in the car. Dawson: Hey, Jack. Jack: Hey. Dawson: Hey. Audrey: You came. Dawson: Yeah. You called, right? Audrey: The fact that I recently destroyed your house with an automobile must have, uh, slipped my mind when I was dialing. I freaked out, ok? Dawson: What, then or right now? Audrey: Both, I guess. Dawson: What are you even doing here, Audrey? Audrey: Here in L.A. Or here at this weird party? Dawson: Either one. Audrey: I don't know. One minute, jack and I are, like, in a parking lot off sunset talking to these guys in a limo, and the next minute, we're here, and it's morning, and... [Sighs] Like I said, I just freaked, and... you were the only person that I knew would be in this area code and would definitely be awake at this hour. Dawson: What about your parents. Audrey: Please. Dawson: Do they even know that school started back already? Audrey: No. I wasn't ready to go back last week, so I lied a little bit. I didn't want to face the grand tribunal of judgment. I'm ready now, though. And I'm going to be good from now on, Dawson, I swear. Just... don't be mad. I mean, don't be any more mad than you already are. Dawson: [Sighs] All right. Just... tell me you realize how stupid it is to get in a car full of strangers that you meet in a parking lot. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. IT is the next Day and Joey is back in the kitchen again calling Eddie and leaving a message on his phone for him] Joey: Hey, it's me again. Um, look, I get that you're avoiding me. I do. Many days, no phone calls. What could be clearer? But, um... I'm scared now, because I don't understand why you wouldn't call me back. It's not like you, ok? And I guess I'm just scared that something may have happened to you, because--and even if something did happen to you, I wouldn't know about it, because, obviously, I'm not a very important person in your life. So... could you just... call me back? Uh... call me back as soon as possible. Bye. [She hands up the phone and goes back into the bar and goes over to a booth where Jack and David are sitting and joins them.] Jack: Mmm... any luck this time? Joey: When have I ever been lucky with men? David: He'll call you back, Joey. I know he will. Joey: Uh, yeah, yeah. David: There's usually a very logical explanation for this kind of thing. Joey: Yeah, I guess. Hey, can you guys, um Jack: Pay the bill that's been sitting here for, like, a century? Yeah. Joey: You guys are welcome to stay as long as you want. It's just... I don't feel that great. I want to get home early. Jack: Yeah, it's no problem. Here. Ahem. Keep the change. Joey: Thanks. Thanks a lot. Jack: Bye. [Joey leaves them alone.] David: Well, that was depressing. There's nothing sadder in the universe than watching somebody wait for a phone call that's obviously never going to come. Jack: Oh, sure there is. There's orphans, sick orphans. Plus, we don't know if this guy's not gonna call. David: Oh, please. We're guys, aren't we? How many people have you ruthlessly hooked up with and never called? Jack: A few. Look, I went out a lot this summer, all right? David: And? Jack: And I didn't call a few of the guys back. Look, if a straight guy did it, it would be rakishly charming, you know? You meet someone, ok? You think you're going to like them David: And then after closer examination, you don't. Jack: Yeah. David: But only after the closer examination part. Jack: Basically. Are you going to give me some kind of lecture here, or what? David: Do you want one? Jack: Not particularly. David: Fine. Jack: Fine. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey is coming out of the back room with her coat on and is putting on her gloves, when she notices Harley by the pool table talking to some older guys again.] Joey: Ok. Let's go, Harley. You're outta here. Get your coat. Harley: Excuse me? Joey: Look, I really don't have the energy to go through all of this again today. In case you've forgotten, we've already played this scene 2 days ago. Harley: Yeah, and then you ratted me out to my father, who grounded me for a month. So I figured the only way I could repay you would be to cut class again. Joey: Right. You really think I'm going to leave you here with a possible date-rapist who thinks you're 18? I don't think so. I'm leaving. You're leaving. Let's go now. [Scene: The Boston Aquarium. It is the next day, and Pacey and Emma have met again during lunch time.] Pacey: I can't believe you talked me into staying for this yesterday. I mean, big fish eating little fish. What's the big deal? This is what you drag your butt down here for every day? Emma: Well, if it was a big company eating a little company, you'd love it. And for the record, I don't come here every day. Pacey: You don't? Emma: Not normally, no. Usually just when I have a hangover. Pacey: So, then what was this week? Some sort of special occasion? Emma: Look. I've just been wondering what's it all for. I mean, if what you've told me over the last couple of days is true, then you've pretty much changed your entire life, and I'm not entirely sure why. Pacey: How the hell should I know? Why does anybody change their life? Why do people dye their hair, for that matter? Emma: To piss off my mum. Or to try to be somebody else? Pacey: For me, it would be the latter. Emma: And why do you want to be somebody else? Pacey: Because that's a part of growing up. Let me tell you, Pacey at 15 was a bit of a schmuck-- bad haircut, bad Hawaiian shirts, broke all the time. Dumb enough to be chasing after things he knew he was never going to get, anyway. Emma: Mostly women, I suppose. Pacey: Mostly... though there were a few girls. And you are allowed to call them girls when they're 16. Emma: Hmm. Not that you care what I think, but... I don't think he sounds that bad, this person you used to be. He actually sounds kind of nice. Pacey: Yeah, well, maybe he was... occasionally. Emma: Hmm, still could be. Quit the job. Get rid of that goatee. Grow back the terrible haircut. Pacey: What if I told you I'd actually been thinking about that lately? Emma: I'm not sure I'd believe you. Unless... Pacey: Unless what? Emma: Unless you showed up here again tomorrow, promptly, at 1:00, wearing some wretched Hawaiian t-shirt. [Scene: The Help Line. Jen is talking on the phone while CJ is across the desk reading from a book.] Jen: Look, you know that that's not true, right? I mean, just because a girl has a less than perfect relationship with her father, it doesn't mean that she won't be able to sustain a more meaningful relationship in-- hel--hello? Hello? She hung up on me. My first real non-hypothetical caller, and she hung up on me. CJ: Somebody probably walked in the room. You know, a roommate or something. She got embarrassed and hung up. Jen: No, you're just trying to make me feel better. CJ: No, you were doing fine. Jen: Why did this have to be boy trouble? Why couldn't it have been a nice eating disorder or a homesick freshman in need of a good old ego boost? [Telephone rings] CJ: You gonna answer that? Jen: No. CJ: She was talking to you. She's probably gonna wanna be talking to you again. Jen: No, I--I don't wanna answer it. I'm just gonna mess it up again. Y-y-you do it. CJ: Are you sure? Jen: Yes. Just answer it. [Jen just looks at it, and CJ finally answers the phone] CJ: Help line. This is C.J. No, she had to step away for a second. Yeah, she's, uh-- she's a little high-strung. Oh, let's give her a break, though. It's her first day. Yeah, yeah. It is hard to talk when other people are in the room. All right, why don't you call me back in 10 minutes when they're gone? Yeah, I'll be here. All right. Promise me you'll call me back. Ok. Bye. [He hangs up the phone and Jen is just staring at him.] CJ: What? Jen: Nothing. [Scene: The Sidewalk outside Eddie's Apartment. Joey and Harley come walking up to the apartment complex door.] Harley: Hello? Every third store we're passing sells liquor. Shouldn't this indicate to you that we're not in such a great part of town? Joey: Yeah, well, you wanted to walk on the wild side, so since your dad is in class until 6:00... we're here. Harley: Where are we, anyway? Joey: Nowhere, ok? I just have to do something. [The stop and the front door, and Joey presses the buzzer button. Harley looks at the buzzer and realizes where they are] Harley: "Eddie doling, 3-a"? I thought you said you didn't know where he was. Joey: I don't. I know where he lives. I just don't know where he is. Harley: Well, perhaps you've heard of this invention: The telephone? It's a helpful stalking tool. Joey: Yeah, I tried that already, Harley, thank you, but when a girl leaves a whole slew of unreturned voice mail messages for someone she thought was her boyfriend, and then Harley: Boyfriend? Uh-oh. That means one thing. You slept with him, didn't you? Joey: What did you just say? Harley: I asked if you slept with the boy. You know, had sx? Gone all the way? Joey: I thought that's what you said. Harley: Yeah, so, what's the problem? Joey: Nothing. I guess I... I had forgotten what a sophisticated woman of the world you are. Harley, you're probably not even a virgin, probably lost it years ago to a trucker named bubba, right? Harley: I don't get it. Joey: You're not supposed to. [Someone leaves, and Joey catches the door before is closes, and they enter the apartment building] Joey: Look, go. I'm not in the mood for this. Harley: So what? Just because I'm 15, I'm not even allowed to talk about s*x? [Joey knocks on the door, and it slowly opens as if it wasn;t closed all the way] Joey: No, you can talk about it, and then when you're 19, you can have the unadulterated joy of looking back and realizing what an idiot you sounded like. Harley: Oh, right, because you're so smart now. You must know exactly what you're doing. That's why you came all this way to stalk someone who hasn't called you back since you decided to sleep with him. [The go inside and the apartment is entirely empty, and joy just looks around at the empty apartment, shocked.] Harley: What? What's the big deal? We're in the wrong apartment, right? Joey? I mean, this obviously isn't it, right? You got the numbers switched or something. Joey? What are you doing? [Harley realizes that they are in the right apartment, and can see the tears beginning to well up in Joey's eyes.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Stock Brokerage. Pacey is working and talking on the phone, but he is not dressed up in his normal suit, but rather he is dressed up in a t-shirt and a horrible Hawaiian T-Shirt. Rich comes walking over to him carrying a large pile of papers. It is now Friday] Rich: I must say, your idea of casual Friday leaves a little to be desired, Witter. Pacey: Do you think we could discuss your fashion dos and don'ts some other time? Like, say, after lunch? Rich: Lunch. Think again, my friend. [Rich drops a large pile of paperwork on his desk.] Pacey: What's all that? Rich: Extra work... or, I'm sorry, did you think your little mini-vacation would have no consequences? Pacey: I told you I was sick. Rich: Yeah, well, I don't get sick myself, and you know what kills me about people who do? Pacey: What's what? Rich: How they never seem to realize that them being sick doesn't decrease the quantity of work around here. It just means someone else has to do it. Doesn't seem very fair to your colleagues, does it, now? Pacey: I can tell you're all broken up about that, rich, but perhaps what you're really upset about is that they just don't open up as many new accounts as I do. Rich: Getting a little unnecessarily cocky here, aren't we? Pacey: Cocky, yes, unnecessary, no, because all of us here know that the amount of money you make is directly proportional to the amount of money we make. Rich: Yeah, well, that may be true, but my attitude isn't the problem. Yours is, and I expect to see a change in it soon, very soon. Remember, maybe this will help. [Rich stops a woman walking by, and grabs some envelopes from her and pulls one put and hands the rest back to her.] Rich: Thanks. I love January, 'cause that's when this comes. [He throws the envelope down on the desk in front of Pacey.] Pacey: What, my paycheck? Thanks. Rich: Not your paycheck, Witter, your w-2. I'm not exactly sure what's in there, but I'm guessing it's more than they pay fry cooks. Pacey: Like you would have any idea. Rich: Hey, anytime you want to quit and go back to the easy life, be my guest, but as long as you work here, the only lunches you're going to be going to are the ones you cater... in your mind. [Chuckles] [He looks at the pile of paperwork and then to the clock and sighs. The scene cuts to the Aquarium and Emma is sitting there waiting for Pacey. She looks up at the crowd trying to keep an eye out for him. He eyes perk up when she sees a Hawaiian shirt in the crowd, but gets disappointed when she sees it is not Pacey. We cut to a little later and it is now 1:30 and Pacey hasn't shown up let. Emma is still looking all around for him, and finally gives up after a little longer, and leaves.] [Scene: The Help Line. Jen and CJ and several others are sitting around doing absolutely nothing. There are no phone calls coming in, and you can see that Jen is confused by the lack of activity. Jen looks over at CJ who is reading a book.] Jen: So this is what it's like when you're actually working, huh? CJ: This is it. Jen: I thought the phones would ring a little more. CJ: Well, it doesn't really work like that. I mean, think about it. Think about how stubborn people are, how hard it is for them to ask for help or actually admit they're wrong about something. Jen: Yeah, you're probably right. Listen, C.J. CJ: It's almost 4:00. Caffeine fix? Jen: You're asking me if I want coffee? CJ: Yeah. I'm just gonna go out to the cart. Jen: Oh, no, no. No, you're not leaving me here alone. CJ: Yeah, I am. Jen: No, you're not, because if you leave, then the phone'll most certainly ring, and it'll be someone on the other end who wants to talk to somebody and CJ: Yeah. That's what you're here for. Jen: Yeah, except you know what you're doing, and I don't, which is why you shouldn't go. CJ: You know, a few days ago, you couldn't stand being in the same room with me, and now you don't want me to leave. Jen: That was a week ago. Can't a person change in a week? CJ: I don't know. Can she? Sure you don't want anything? No? Ok, I'll be right back. [CJ leaves and Jen watches him go out to the coffee cart, and looks down at the book he was reading] Jen: Kierkegaard. [Telephone rings] [Ring] Jen: [Sighs] [Ring] Jen: Hello, help line. Well, um, if we' being completely honest, which I hope we are, I-I-I'm not entirely sure if I can help you, but, h-- but I-I'd like to try, so... [Scene: The Health Clinic. David is waiting for Jack to come back from the nurse. He comes out, and is visibly happier.] David: So, you gonna tell me, or what? Jack: Nothing to tell. David: Ha ha ha! Cool! Jack: Let me, uh-- let me ask you something. David: Yeah? Jack: You know all that stuff that we talked about yesterday, did that fundamentally alter your opinion of me in any way? David: Yeah, right. Like I couldn't tell from a mile away that you were gonna end up being way sluttier than me. What come on, jack. Give me a little credit. I mean, look at you. You're ridiculously good-looking. I mean, you're no viggo Jack: Yeah, ok, that--that-- that's great. Let's go. David: What, we're leaving? Jack: Well, yeah. You don't honestly think I'm gonna stand here and have this conversation with you? David: I'm sorry, but I sorta think Jack: Hey, hey, hey, David... David: yeah? [Jack kisses him] Jack: Shut up. David: Yeah, I think I could do that. [Scene: Professor Hetson's Class. Professor Hetson is lecturing again, but you can tell that Joey is not listing very intently to his lecture. Hetson goes over and sits on the table in front of Joey and continues to lecture.] Hetson: One of Bartholomew's central tenets, of course, was his belief that only by jtaposing disjointed, quite often at times, absurd fragments of time could one truly replicate the emotional tenor of real life. Can someone give me an example? [He looks down at Joey.] Hetson: Joey? Ok, pick a story, any story. Wait, I'll pick one for you. Uh, the school. How about that? Ring any bells? Joey: Uh, yes. Hetson: What's it about? Joey: It's about a teacher who's trying to explain something to his students. Hetson: What's he trying to explain? Joey: Death and loss. Hetson: Why is he trying to explain it? Joey: Because it keeps happening to them over and over again, like this endless cycle. First, the orange trees, then the herb garden, then the tropical fish. You know, it's absurd, really, because... one minute, they're there. The next minute... they're gone, and the thing that's true, the part of it that's true, the part of it that's real, is that no one ever does explain it to him because... no one can. Hetson: That's great, Joey. Of course, you forgot all about the snakes and the puppies, but, oh, look, we're out of time for today. Monday, everyone, Saul bellow. [The Class leaves and as Joey is about to finish packing her bag and leave, Hetson walks over to talk to her.] Hetson: Got a second, Potter? [He goes to hand her some money.] Joey: What's this? Hetson: This is 50 bucks. Ok, look, I know you're poor, but don't tell me you're so poor you've never seen 50 bucks before. Joey: I don't get it. Hetson: For taking care of Harley while I was teaching yesterday. She said that you helped her out with something, said she was having some kind of a crisis. Joey: She was having a crisis? Hetson: Yes, look, just take the money, will you? It'd be a whole lot easier for me than trying to be nice to you for the rest of the frickin' semester. Joey: Wait a second. Why would you be nice to me? Why? Hetson: Because as you pointed out the other day, this really isn't about me. Her mother's gone, and her father... Joey: Is a gigantic scuzzbucket? Hetson: Yes, he is, actually... most days, anyway, according to her. You, on the other hand, she seems to like. Joey: Yeah, well, I'm very likable, but likable and poor. Hetson: $50, 3 times a week. Joey: 65, and I'll help the little angel with her homework, not that she'd want help from a "D" student. Hetson: Deal. Joey: Here. Hetson: What's that? Joey: 50 bucks. No charge for yesterday. Hetson: Uh, look, don't do me any favors, Potter. Joey: I'm not. You wouldn't understand, ok? Hetson: Was it a girl thing or something? Joey: No, it's a human-being thing. [Scene: An LA Beach. Dawson comes walking down the beach and finds Todd standing there with a surf board and Todd is not surprised to see him.] Todd: So you found me then, did ya? Dawson: Called the surf report. There were only so many beaches you could possibly be at. Todd: I can see I'm gonna have to get one of those little men in black dealies, deprogram you now that our long association is over. It's too dangerous, isn't it? Having that much information floatin' around out there, everybody just waiting to be used against ya? Dawson: I came by to apologize. Todd: For what? For stealin' me job? Look, after you told 'em no yesterday, like the bloody idiot that you are, they called me. They even apologized, as much as they're capable of. Dawson: So what's next? We do reshoots here? We go back to Boston? What? Todd: I'm sorry, mate. You misunderstood me. We're not doing anything. You are. Dawson: Wait a minute. I've been through this before. I'm not gonna Todd: Not gonna what? Not gonna benefit from being at the right place at the right time? That's all it is, you know. Doesn't mean you're actually going places or that you're more talented than I am, you know. I mean Dawson: God, no. You're like... Barely functional, but you're... like my mentor. Todd: What, not Steven bloody Spielberg? Dawson: Well, he... hasn't been returning my phone calls. Todd: Just don't make it any worse, ok? And listen, the absolute first thing you have to remember to do when you're on set is take a picture of Natasha's face at the exact moment that she's introduced to her new director... 'cause that's something I bloody well have to see. Come in. [They walk along the beach together and camera fades to black]	Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who is asked to direct re-shoots? A: the studio; Q: Who asks Dawson to direct re-shoots? A: his mentor; Q: Who is Dawson conflicted about being disloyal to? A: Joey; Q: Who hasn't heard from Eddie since Christmas? A: Pacey; Q: Who starts skipping work to spend time with Emma? A: a peer counselor; Q: What is Jen's job? A: C.J.; Q: Who is assigned to train Jen? A: Audrey; Q: Who returns to Los Angeles to party with old friends including Jack Osbourne? A: a destructive path; Q: What is Audrey still on? Summary: Back in Los Angeles, Dawson is asked by the studio to direct re-shoots but is conflicted about being disloyal to his mentor. Meanwhile, Joey hasn't heard from Eddie since Christmas and finds his apartment empty. Pacey starts skipping work to spend time with Emma. Jen's insecurities as a peer counselor are compounded when C.J. is assigned to train her; and Audrey still on a destructive path, returns to Los Angeles to party with old friends including, Jack Osbourne.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LORELAI'S BED ROOM [Lorelai is pacing and looking out the window] LORELAI: [Gasps] Ooh! [Sees a car pull up in the drive way. Runs down stairs to the front door shouting] LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM LORELAI: The redcoats are coming! The redcoats are coming! GIGI: The redcoats are coming! CHRISTOPHER: Whoa, whoa. Hold on there, missy. Got to put on your jacket first, okay? [Lorelai runs outside] LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR LORELAI: Hi! RORY: Hi! LORELAI: I'm so mad at you! RORY: What kind of greeting is that? LORELAI: What kind of daughter doesn't let her mother pick her up at the airport? RORY: The kind who parks her car at the airport car park. LORELAI: But I'm the kind of mother who picks her daughter up at the airport, you know with flowers and coffee and a fake chauffeur's sign. Why would you mess with my sense of self? ORY: My car was parked at the airport car park. LORELAI: So what, I could have driven to the airport, picked you up, brought you back. Then we both could have driven to pick up your car and come here. RORY: Yeah 'cause that wouldn't be a waste of gas or anything. LORELAI: [picking up a bag] Oh, god. Did you pack Big Ben? I still think it was kind of risky. RORY: What's risky? LORELAI: Well you've spent a lot of time across the pond. You might get confused and forget which side of the road to drive on. RORY: Yeah it was a near escape. CHRISTOPHER: Hey! Welcome home! GIGI: The redcoat is here! RORY: Hi, dad! CHRISTOPHER: How are you doing? RORY: Good. [they kiss] Hi, little sister. Oh, hello. Okay. Oh. [Gigi is holding on to her leg] Oh. Well, all right. [Laughs] CHRISTOPHER: So, you made it here okay? RORY: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: I was thinking -- all that time in England, you might forget which side of the road to drive on. LORELAI: Hey, don't steal my material. CHRISTOPHER: What do you mean, your material? LORELAI: I just made that joke. CHRISTOPHER: They driving on the other side of the road thing, that's my joke. If you just made it, you ripped me off. LORELAI: I ripped you off? RORY: Guys. LORELAI: That's like saying Lenny Bruce rips off carrot top or Woody Allen gets his material from what's his name -- the guy with the watermelons. CHRISTOPHER: I did not rip you off -- no way, no how, sister. I made that joke this morning at breakfast. When we were sitting there. We were drinking coffee. RORY: Guys, not that that's not a hilarious joke, but the guy at the car park made the same one. Hey, Gigi, Would you want to take this inside for me? [Handing her a small bag] GIGI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Come on, Geege. RORY: Ohh! LORELAI: What? RORY: You took the Christmas lights down. LORELAI: I didn't take them down. I haven't put them up yet. I saved Christmas for you. RORY: You... LORELAI: Before you left we said we were gonna wait and do Christmas together. RORY: Okay, yeah, but... LORELAI: [Noticing the earrings Rory is wearing] What are those? RORY: What are what? LORELAI: Are those a Christmas present from Logan? RORY: No, I mean -- well, yeah, but it's more like a late birthday/new year's present. What stop sniffing me. LORELAI: I smell Christmas cookies. RORY: Well there's no way you can smell cookies from six days ago. LORELAI: So there were Christmas cookies. RORY: There may have been a little Christmas. LORELAI: Unbelievable! RORY: London, as a city, is very Christmas-obsessed. Okay I couldn't help what was going on around me. But inside, I assure you, I was devoid of the Christmas spirit -- a complete scrooge. LORELAI: I didn't let any Christmas happen. I grinched it up so hard, I didn't even let it snow. RORY: What it hasn't snowed yet? LORELAI: Thanks to me thinking of you and our agreement, our pledge, out oath. RORY: You stopped the snow? LORELAI: Yes sheer force of will. We said we would have no Christmas, so I had no Christmas. RORY: You must have had a little Christmas. LORELAI: None. RORY: What no presents? LORELAI: No presents. RORY: No tree? LORELAI: No tree. RORY: No eggnog? LORELAI: No egg, no nog. I sat in the dark with the lights off and ate gruel. RORY: Okay, mom. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: I hereby apologize for any accidental Christmas celebrating I may have done. I'm now ready to celebrate Christmas for real. LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Okay! [Laughter] RORY: So, you stopped the snow? LORELAI: Yeah. I did an anti-snow dance. It was humiliating and arguaus, but I had made a promise to my daughter. RORY: Humiliating? LORELAI: Two words -- coconut bra. OPENING CREDITS LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Chris, Rory, Gigi and Lorelai enter] CHRISTOPHER: Where am I taking this? LORELAI: Living room. RORY: I love our trees! GIGI: Me too! CHRISTOPHER: You don't think our trees are... LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: Maybe a little homely? LORELAI: Homely?! CHRISTOPHER: I'm just saying. RORY: What! LORELAI: What are you saying? CHRISTOPHER: That our trees are not classically good-looking. I mean if you were to look up "tree" in the dictionary, you would not find one of these fellows. LORELAI: Why would you look up "tree" in the dictionary? RORY: So we don't have classically good-looking trees. LORELAI: You don't know what a tree is. RORY: Come on look at that tree. CHRISTOPHER: I'm looking. RORY: That tree has character. LORELAI: It does. RORY: That tree has earned character by persevering through freezing winters and forest fires and floods. LORELAI: This tree's a fighter. RORY: Woodpeckers, I mean maniacal woodpeckers just pecking at its trunk. LORELAI: Survivor. RORY: Peck, peck, peck, day in and day out. LORELAI: That tree's a champion. RORY: [changing her tone and smiling] It smells so good in here with all our trees. LORELAI: It's like a dozen car air fresheners. RORY: Just imagine how good it's gonna be once all our trees are here. CHRISTOPHER: This is crazy! LORELAI: Seven trees. CHRISTOPHER: Which was crazy. LORELAI: What? Buck a tree. RORY: Dad, we have to have at least one tree in the kitchen. GIGI: Yeah, dad. CHRISTOPHER: I'm in a forest of crazy. RORY: Hm-hmm. LORELAI: Buck a tree. RORY: Genius. LORELAI: So genius we better be careful, or word will get out and everyone will start celebrating Christmas after Christmas, which will really drive up the post-Christmas Christmas-tree prices. RORY: Then we'll have to keep celebrating later and later. LORELAI: Yeah before we know it, we'll be having Figgy pudding in July. Look! Gigi! You know who made this? Rory. Rory made this when she was right about your age. GIGI: That's nice. RORY: Someone's not impressed. LORELAI: Well she doesn't understand abstract art. RORY: Philistine. LORELAI: Hey, look at this. Here's Santa's costume. Wow. That's seen better days. GIGI: Why do you have Santa's clothes? LORELAI: Because...I...used to do Santa's dry cleaning. GIGI: You did? LORELAI: Yeah. GIGI: Wow. LORELAI: I know. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, everybody can relax. There's now a Christmas tree in the kitchen. LORELAI: Thank you. RORY: Oh! My antlers! I love my antlers! GIGI: Oh, neat! Let me try! RORY: Wow, okay. GIGI: [running off to the kitchen] On vixen! On blisters!... RORY: Kid took my antlers, she took my antlers and galloped away. LORELAI: Alright now tell me more about London. Did everything work out with Logan after the whole Marty/Lucy/dinner debacle? RORY: Well I was pretty angry for a while, especially after he blurted out all that stuff the way he did, but he apologized a lot and even admitted that he was a little jealous, so I forgave him. LORELAI: Well, that's good. RORY: Yeah well, plus I realized a lot of it was my fault. I was Lucy's friend. I should have been straight with her about knowing Marty. I can't believe I got suckered into that whole thing I mean for so long. I don't blame her for hating me. LORELAI: Have you talked to her now? RORY: I've left messages. LORELAI: Oh, hon. [Entering room] CHRISTOPHER: Wow! Look at all this! LORELAI: Yeah, we have a lot of Christmas stuff. CHRISTOPHER: Cool. Mistletoe. LORELAI: Where are you going? CHRISTOPHER: I'm gonna hang it up in the doorway. RORY: Oh, that's not where it goes. CHRISTOPHER: Where does it go? RORY: We tape it up to one of the blades of the ceiling fan upstairs. That way, the kissing is more like a sport. LORELAI: One of our traditions. CHRISTOPHER: That's a tradition? RORY: Our traditions are important to us. CHRISTOPHER: What other traditions am I in for? RORY: On Christmas morning, we put red and green M&M's in our cereal. CHRISTOPHER: Down with that. RORY: We string up our stockings on the banister. LORELAI: Yes we used to string them up in the traditional traditionally place of the fireplace, but there was that fire incident, and they nearly burned to bits. So now we put them on little nails on the banister. RORY: Oh, we always go to Weston's for a cup of holiday candy-cane coffee, which is so delicious. LORELAI: Delicious. And we bake cookies. CHRISTOPHER: You bake? RORY: Well we put on Christmas music, drink eggnog, and pretend to bake the cookies we bought from Weston's. LORELAI: We do, however, make our own frosting. We use a handheld electric mixer from the dark ages so that Rory can continue the tradition of licking the beaters. RORY: Yes, a skill which I have perfected over the years. LORELAI: And then on Christmas eve, we leave the cookies out for Santa's reindeer. RORY: Santa prefers gum. CHRISTOPHER: Well I am very excited about these traditions, but you know because it's our first Christmas together as a family, I thought maybe it was time to start some new traditions. LORELAI: Like what? CHRISTOPHER: Well, for starters... I got us these. [holds up new stocking] LORELAI: Wow. RORY: Oh, they're so big and flashy. CHRISTOPHER: Ha, I got one for each of us. LORELAI: But we have stockings already. RORY: [holding up the old stocking] I mean they're a little singed from the fire, but they're still usable. CHRISTOPHER: But not stockings like these. Ha. RORY: That's true. CHRISTOPHER: Alright this will be a new tradition. I'm gonna hang them up. You know what else we should do? We should go caroling. LORELAI: No. RORY: Are you kidding? CHRISTOPHER: It'll be fun. LORELAI: Well It wouldn't be fun for strangers to hear us sing. RORY: It'd be cruel that's what it would be. LORELAI: And embarrassing. CHRISTOPHER: Guys, carols are beautiful. [singing badly, the girls look amused] Gl-o-o-o-o-o- o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis deo DRAGONFLY INN - RECEPTION DESK [Michel is on the phone as Luke enters] MICHEL: yes, sir. Thank you. [seeing Luke] Oh. You. I thought we were done with you. LUKE: Hi, Michel. Is Lorelai here? [on the phone] Hey. Can you tell Lorelai that... someone is here to see her? [hangs up, silence for a few second] Well, this is awfully awkward. We should make some sort of conversation. I see your sense of style has not changed. LUKE: Nope. MICHEL: I've often wondered, does someone in your family own a flannel company? LUKE: Uh, no. MICHEL: Oh. You know what? I cannot do this. Let us just stand here and let the awkwardness wash over us. LUKE: Fine by me. [a few seconds of silence before Lorelai enters] LORELAI: Hi. MICHEL: Ahh, here she is. It's been a delight chatting with you. LUKE: I'm sorry to just barge in like this. LORELAI: That's okay. LUKE: Can we talk somewhere? LORELAI: Um, sure. DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY [Luke and Lorelai sitting on the same couch, face to face] LUKE: [Sighs] Anna wants to move to New Mexico with April. LORELAI: New Mexico? LUKE: Anna's mother had major surgery, and she's not doing so well. And Anna wants to be near her, which I get. It's just I'd like to see April on some weekends and vacations. LORELAI: Of course. LUKE: But Anna says no. In fact, right now, she's not letting me see April at all, so I have to fight for custody, and I'm going to court. LORELAI: Wow. LUKE: Yeah, it's the whole thing. I got to get a lawyer and wear a tie. It's not fun. LORELAI: It's good you're doing it, though. LUKE: Well, I can't not. You know I can't not do it. LORELAI: Right. LUKE: So, anyway, um, the court date is coming up. And I need a character reference. And Liz wrote one, but my lawyer read it, and he said it was sweet, but it was filled with all these weird childhood anecdotes that I probably don't want to share with anyone, much less a court of law. And I need another one, and I just don't know who to go to. And I know it's an awful lot to ask. And if it's weird or whatever... LORELAI: Yes... [Luke continues talking like he didn't hear Lorelai] LUKE: I mean, I totally understand. LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: But if you could, uh... LORELAI: Yes, I'll do it. LUKE: Yeah? Okay. All right, well, this is my lawyer's address, and you can just mail the letter directly to him. LORELAI: Okay LUKE: Yeah, and, look, if you don't mind, if you could do it as soon as possible... [Lorelai nods] the court date's right around the corner. LORELAI: Definitely. LUKE: Thanks. Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. LUKE: Yeah. Um, okay, well...I'll just... thanks. LORELAI: Sure. I'll get right on it. LUKE: I send it to here. Okay. [They shake hands, Lorelai looks a little weird about it] All right. Thanks. Okay. DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY [Later, Lorelai is on the couch and is trying to write the letter, with a note pad and pen but can't, she leaves] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Sookie is on the phone] SOOKIE: No, that should do it. Thanks. LORELAI: Ugh! SOOKIE: It's hard, huh? LORELAI: Yeah, the pressure is a lot, you know? SOOKIE: Yeah, of course. LORELAI: I mean I just keep thinking that whatever I write might help save Luke's relationship with his kid, which is huge and important, so the pressure's really getting to me -- that and a lack of sufficient caffeine. SOOKIE: Of course. Totally. I mean plus I mean, it's Luke, and after all you've been through, it's got to be hard. LORELAI: Well, yeah. SOOKIE: You're having to dig up all those feelings for him. That can't be fun. You must be feeling overwhelmed. LORELAI: I really don't think it's about digging up my feelings for Luke. SOOKIE: Okay. LORELAI: I think it's really about writing an amazing letter. I mean the stakes are really high for him, and I want it to be something amazing and powerful, like Gettysburg address powerful or "I have a dream" powerful. So, I'm thinking I'll look a couple of those up online and just pop the name "Luke" in there and be I'll done with it. SOOKIE: Sure. I don't think anyone will notice. LORELAI: All right, back to work. SOOKIE: Good luck. DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY [Lorelai enters with here coffee and gets to writing again but can't get started. Cuts to Lorelai returning to the couch with strawberries, she eats one, tries writing again. Then tried to juggle some strawberries. More writing and she rips out the sheet form the pad and screws it up. She plays the "bendy pen" trick with the pen before throwing it away] LUKE'S DINER [Lane is serving customers and VERY pregnant] WOMAN CUSTOMER: Is it twins? It's got to be twins. LANE: Is what twins? MAN CUSTOMER: [pointing to Lanes belly] Are you... LANE: Pregnant? You think I'm pregnant? Oh Yeah, it's not acceptable in this society to be a plus-sized woman who happens to carry her weight in her belly. WOMAN CUSTOMER: So you're not -- oh, gee. Well, I need new glasses. I'm sorry. LANE: Of course I'm pregnant. Turkey with Swiss. [Puts plates down hard. Moves on to other customers] Hey! Hey! What's up with this tip? 2ND WOMAN CUSTOMER: Oh, I'M...sorry. LANE: This is 50%. I don't need your pity tips. Okay I'm pregnant, not homeless. LUKE: April! APRIL: [small laugh, they hug] LUKE: Hey Wow. What are you doing? APRIL: Well I biked over because... [sees Lane] oh, my gosh. Lane is gigantic. LUKE: Yeah well I wouldn't mention that to Lane. APRIL: Hey did you know the gestation period for an elephant is 22 months? LUKE: Yeah will I wouldn't mention that to Lane, either. So what are you doing here, does your mother know you're here? APRIL: She doesn't have a clue. See I told her I was gonna spend the whole day at the Boston museum of science with Melissa and her dad. And it's perfect because mom confirmed things with Melissa's dad two days ago. But then yesterday, I told Melissa's dad that I couldn't come because I had gotten the curse, LUKE: The... APRIL: Which is perfect, 'cause you know how awkward men get about menstruation. LUKE: yeah ah look so it's really great to see you, but this isn't gonna work. APRIL: But there's no way mom will ever figure it out. I even read all about cotton-topped Tamarin monkeys and the Van De Graaff generator, so I'll have plenty to tell her when I get back. Yeah I'm gonna have to take you home. APRIL: No! LUKE: I'm sorry. APRIL: Dad, no. Please, no. I've missed you so much. LUKE: Yeah well I missed you, too. APRIL: I haven't seen you in ages and ages. Plus, if you take me home now, mom will know that I lied, and I'll get into so much trouble. Please? LUKE: I don't know. I... APRIL: Here. This is for you. Merry belated Christmas. Sorry it looks like this. I couldn't exactly wrap it in wrapping paper without arousing maternal suspicions, if you know what I mean. LUKE: Thanks. I actually got you something, too. APRIL: You did? LUKE: Yeah. [small pause as the look at each other] So, are you hungry or what? APRIL: Tuna-fish sandwiches? LUKE: That's what I was thinking, too. [April giggles] Come on. Let's go upstairs. LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Lorelai, Rory and Gigi are sitting at the table, Gigi wearing Rory's antlers, they are all dressed in Christmas design clothes. They are making cranberry and popcorn Garlands] LORELAI: Be very careful with your needle. GIGI: I know. LORELAI: Okay because it's really, really pointy. GIGI: I know. RORY: Okay so, what guidelines did he give you? LORELAI: None. No guidelines, no guidelines whatsoever. I'm supposed to write a character reference, so I thought I'd reference his character. RORY: Sounds like you're on the right track. LORELAI: No, I'm not because it turns out I can't write. RORY: Oh, sure, you can. LORELAI: No, I can't. I stare at the blank page, and I keep staring and staring. And eventually I have to get up and lubricate my eyeballs. Otherwise, they would fall out of my head, like raisins. [Gigi giggles] RORY: Well, are you using a pen? You can't just stare at the paper. You have to have a writing implement of some kind. GIGI: [Showing what she's done] Look. LORELAI: Very pretty, honey. RORY: Hey what a good job. LORELAI: You know what I really like? Your cranberry-to-popcorn ratio. Rory's more of a 1-to-1 kinda gal, but I'm like you. I like a lot of cranberry, little popcorn thrown in for flair. [just to Rory] Yours is pretty, too. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: I have a writing implement. The problem is that everything I write sounds so schmucky. RORY: I'm sure that's not true. We're running low on cranberries. LORELAI: "Luke Danes is a highly regarded member of this community." [Makes sick sound] "Not an ill word can be spoken of Mr. Danes." It's like I'm some documentary narrator from the history channel. And you know what phrase I keep using? "Stand-up." "Luke Danes is a stand-up guy. "He's an upstanding member of stars hollow, a real stand-up citizen." People are gonna think he's turned into a comedian. RORY: Sounds like you're over thinking this. Maybe if you just put pen to paper. LORELAI: I tried that, I thought, "I'll just sit down and write whatever comes -- no judgment, no inner critic." Boy was that a bad idea. RORY: Really? Why? LORELAI: Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. "Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. "I wish I was wearing my blue dress. "My blue dress is at the cleaners. "'The Germans wore gray. You wore blue. ''Casablanca'. "'Casablanca' is such a good movie. "'Casablanca.' The white house. Bush. "Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should drive a hybrid car. "I should really take my bicycle to work. "Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck. Rattlesnake. Monkey, monkey, underpants." [Gigi giggles again] RORY: "Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants"? LORELAI: Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's a big bag of weird in there. So, I think I need inspiration. You know I need a muse. Perhaps I need "the muse." Maybe it would help if Sharon Stone would appear to me in an alarming caftan and coo inspirational words in my ear. RORY: Just write what you feel. That's all writing is. Hey do you think there might be some reason why you're having trouble? I mean I would imagine that writing about Luke wouldn't be easy. LORELAI: I know -- you should write it. RORY: What? No. LORELAI: Yes. You are a wonderful writer. Everything you write is so good. Your grocery lists are like shimmering haikus. RORY: You write a pretty mean grocery list yourself. And it doesn't have to shimmer it just has to be authentic and real. Oh! You know what I'm gonna do? LORELAI: Write my thing for me. RORY: No, I'm going to write a letter to Lucy explaining how sorry I am. That way, she doesn't have to see me, and she can just read it and she'll still know. LORELAI: That's great and after you do that, you can write my letter for me. RORY: No, this is something you have to write yourself. GIGI: What letter? LORELAI: Uh...to Santa. GIGI: Wow. LORELAI: You know I bet my problem is? The whole writing-by-hand thing. You know I think what would help is if I got my old electric typewriter out. The soothing sound of that irritating buzzing -- that's what would help me. CHRISTOPHER: I'm home! LORELAI: [changing the subject, Rory notices] So, cranberries really stay on the string, and popcorn falls right off. Hi, sweetie. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, everybody. RORY: Hey, dad. GIGI: Hi dad. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. [Chris and Lorelai kiss] Wow. Look at those. GIGI: They're for the trees. LORELAI: So what do you have in the bag? CHRISTOPHER: No snooping. This is Santa's secret stuff. GIGI: Lorelai knows Santa. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yeah? GIGI: She does Santa's dry cleaning. CHRISTOPHER: Well, Lorelai is a remarkable woman. [Lorelai chuckles] STARS HOLLOW - OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINNER [Lane exits and walks (waddles) down the street] LANE: [to some people on the street] Uh-huh. LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT - EXTERIOR [Lane is coming home and enters the apartment, Lane is in a bad mood.] ZACH: The yellow squash? MRS KIM: Yes, they're a delicacy. We're going to steam them along with the broccoli. ZACH: Is that adult broccoli? Can you do that with baby squash? MRS KIM: Yes, it's very high in oxidants. [at the same time] ZACH: Welcome home, babe. MRS KIM: Welcome home, Lane. ZACH: So we went to the nature mart, and guess what we got you. Turnip greens - turns out they got a sick amount of folic acid. What else did we get? Squash, zucchini, tofu. MRS KIM: Special calcium-fortified tofu. ZACH: And the calcium's real important because you're not eating some of your previous calcium sources, like soft cheese. You're not eating soft cheese, are you? LANE: No, no. I'm not having any soft cheese. ZACH: And no sushi? MRS KIM: And no duck. We don't want the babies to have webbed feet. LANE: So the duck sushi I had for lunch was probably a mistake, huh? [they look shocked] I'm kidding, mama. I am beat. Today at work, it was absolutely ridiculous. [sits on the couch, Zach joins her] Every other customer was "baby" -- I'm gonna tell Luke tomorrow I quit... ZACH: You should put your feet up. LANE: I'm fine. ZACH: How are your ankles? LANE: They're fine. ZACH: Oh you know what I was reading about? Compression pantyhose. A lot of pregnant women wear them to help with circulation. MRS KIM: How's your bladder, are the babies putting pressure on your bladder? LANE: What I don't know. ZACH: Well how many times did you urinate today? LANE: Oh, my god, Zach! I am so not answering that question! MRS KIM: Here are some new prenatal vitamins we bought you. I'm going to put them on your bedside table. LANE: Fine. MRS KIM: You have to take two every morning the moment you wake up. LANE: Fine! MRS KIM: Maybe I need to make you a chart. LANE: I don't need a chart. MRS KIM: I happen to know that you forgot to take your calcium tablets for two mornings. That is not right, Lane. LANE: Mama, you're counting my pills? MRS KIM: Yes, of course. LANE: [Sighs, then when Mrs Kim has left the room she sneaks out a candy bar from the pillow on the couch and opens it.] ZACH: I'm serious about the whole compression-pantyhose thing. I could totally pick you up a pair. I mean do I relish the prospect of being seen skulking around the pantyhose aisle? No. But I'm sure you don't want varicose veins. LANE: I don't want pantyhose! ZACH: Oh. Okay. [hearing her mother come Lane hides the candy bar] MRS KIM: I have decided I will make a chart. I need a piece of paper, a ruler, and some magic markers. LANE: I'm serious, mama. I don't need... what is that? ZACH: Oh, it's the crib we ordered. Isn't it cool. It'll be big enough for both of them. LANE: Where are my drums? ZACH: They're good they're safe. We put them in the closet. LANE: The closet? You put my drum kit in the closet? ZACH: Yeah, we needed the space, and, Lane, we haven't had band practice for months. LANE: [waddles over and opens the closet, shouting] We need to have band practice! ZACH: Sure. And we will. LANE: Now. ZACH: Well if you want, we can call Gil and Brian, but I mean can you even play? LANE: What do you mean, can I play? ZACH: I mean, in your condition. LANE: [getting angrier] I can play. ZACH: Okay. Cool. [SCENE_BREAK] WESTON'S [Rory and Lorelai are sitting at a table] LORELAI: I melted three entire candy canes into this not-very-large cup of coffee, and still I can barely taste it. RORY: I know. LORELAI: It's just the vaguest whisper of peppermint. RORY: Peppermint. [makes hand gesture] LORELAI: I swear I could get the same effect if I put Vaporub on my chest and drank coffee at the same time. RORY: Peppermint. [makes hand gesture again] LORELAI: I mean how arbitrary is it to decide to stop serving candy-cane coffee the day after Christmas? Christmas spirit is not something that can be turned off like a faucet on December 26th. RORY: Yeah, it stinks. LORELAI: On the plus side, any chest congestion I had is now totally cleared up. RORY: So that's good. LORELAI: Well, let's go Christmas-shopping. RORY: Write your letter. LORELAI: I can't. I need a treat. RORY: This was your treat, coming to Weston's was supposed to buck up your spirits and inspire your writing. LORELAI: No, candy-cane coffee was supposed to be my treat. This coffee is no treat. Let's face it -- this is un-candy-cane-coffee coffee, and it's totally un-bucking up my spirits. So it's decided -- let's go shopping. RORY: Write. LORELAI: Rory, I can't. Ooh. I have an idea. Excuse me. Hi. Merry Christmas. SUE: Christmas is over. LORELAI: Okay. Sue -- pretty name. I have a hunch that there's some of the secret candy-cane-coffee mix just sitting in the back there, and I wonder if I could make it worth your while if you and I could come to some sort of arrangement. SUE: Like I said before we stop selling candy-cane coffee when Christmas is over. LORELAI: Right I'm not talking about selling it. I'm talking about maybe if you misplaced a canister or two. SUE: Misplaced? LORELAI: Misplaced. [winks at her] SUE: Honey. LORELAI: Yes? SUE: Christmas is over. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: Are we gonna talk about this? LORELAI: About what? RORY: Why are you lying to dad? LORELAI: I'm not lying. RORY: He walked into the kitchen earlier, and you started prattling on about popcorn and cranberries. LORELAI: I wasn't prattling. Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand. [Sighs] STARS HOLLOW - TOWN SQUARE [They girls are walking down the street] RORY: But you're not telling him about this character-reference thing are you. LORELAI: Well I haven't yet. RORY: And you're not planning to. LORELAI: Well RORY: You're intentionally not telling him. That's kind of a lie of omission. LORELAI: A lie of omission Isn't that an Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman movie? RORY: Look mum if there's anything to be learned from this whole thing with Lucy, it's that honesty is the best policy. LORELAI: Err, It's an okay policy. RORY: But how do you expect to have any kind of relationship if you're not honest with him? LORELAI: Honey look, I have been around a long time, okay? I wore leggings the last time they were trendy. I knew Tom Hanks when he was a Bosom Buddy. I have lived, and I have learned. RORY: I know. LORELAI: And I understand that you value honesty, and I applaud that value. But sometimes the truth is a little more complicated. RORY: More complicated how? LORELAI: More complicated. Look we don't have to talk about this. RORY: I know but I want you to tell me what's going on. LORELAI: Things with dad are great. They're better than great. It's just that... RORY: What? LORELAI: He's been a bit on edge about Luke. You know I ran into Luke outside Doose's the other day, and dad saw me holding Liz's baby. And it just wasn't great. It wasn't great timing. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: And this whole mom having the not-a-wedding-party thing caused tension, and we argued. So I just want to be sensitive and not worry him about something he doesn't need to worry about. RORY: Well, that makes sense. LORELAI: But everything is gonna be fine. Better than fine -- it's gonna be great. RORY: Okay. Well, you know, mom, I've been around for a while, too. I remember tom hanks from his "Joe Versus The Volcano" days. LORELAI: Yeah, you were like 5. RORY: Yeah but the point is, I'm not a kid anymore you know. You don't have to create this whole Christmas illusion where everything in the world is magical and fine. It's okay if it's not. LORELAI: You still believe in Santa, though, right? RORY: Your best dry-cleaning client? Of course. LUKE'S DINER - THE APARTMENT [Luke is adjusting the gift April gave him] APRIL: A little to the right. Okay. Too far. A little to the left, there. LUKE: How's that? APRIL: Good. It really livens up your apartment. LUKE: It's a very lively mask. Thanks again, April. I love it. I really do. APRIL: It's based on my real face you know. LUKE: Oh, yeah? APRIL: Oh I mean not the outside, but the inside. I made it in art class, and I had to lie still with straws up my nose while a partner put plaster strips on my face. LUKE: Straws up your nose. APRIL: I suffer for my art. Anyway, this kid Evan, he got Liz Alderman as a partner, who's a total wild child. And she laid the plaster strips all willy-nilly and ended up pulling off half his eyebrows. LUKE: Oh, that's not good huh. APRIL: Actually, Liz Alderman's on my swim team now. LUKE: Oh yeah. APRIL: She's got these really huge feet, which coach Bennett finds promising. LUKE: Like built-in flippers. APRIL: Exactly, hopefully they kick in -- no pun intended -- before our big swim meet in may. LUKE: May huh. APRIL: May 15th. 10 different clubs are sending teams. It's gonna be amazing. LUKE: You know I hear they have really great swim teams in New Mexico. APRIL: Yeah, right. New Mexico is a barren, dusty desert, and they probably don't even have water to swim in. LUKE: You know what in hot climates, they actually have more swimming pools. I bet you a lot of kids there will be really into swimming. APRIL: Well then they're probably too good for me. I mean the only reason I get to do so many events is 'cause everyone on my team stinks worse than I do. LUKE: April. APRIL: It's true. LUKE: Go on. [putting a large present on the table] All right, go ahead and open up your Christmas present. APRIL: Are you trying to bribe me out of a bad mood with the offer of material goods? 'Cause I'm amenable to that. [Luke smiling and small laugh] APRIL: [Gasps] Wow! A rock polisher! Thanks so much. LUKE: You like it? APRIL: It's the perfect present. LUKE: Well you hinted at it pretty hard, so I figured it might be the right thing. APRIL: It is. It is. But, dad, I kind already got a rock polisher from grandma. LUKE: Oh. Well, then it's not the perfect present. APRIL: No, it is. It is. This one looks more powerful than the one I already have. Plus, I mean who couldn't use two rock polishers? LUKE: Yeah? APRIL: Sure. You should see my rock collection right now. It's insane, I've practically got a quarry in my bedroom -- granite, of course, but also feldspar, quartz, mica, limestone. LUKE: Cool. APRIL: I know. I've been biking over to Beacon Falls and going rock-hunting around Naugatuck river. It amazing the other day I found an arrowhead in almost perfect condition. It's so sharp, I think I'd get in trouble if I brought it to school. LUKE: You know, if you're interested in arrowheads, New Mexico has some incredible places... APRIL: Dad. LUKE: Okay. Okay. Let's open this thing. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LORELAI'S BED ROOM [Lorelai is lying on the bed trying to write the letter] CHRISTOPHER: Hey! I'm done with the lights. Do you want to see them now, or do you want to wait till after dark? [Lorelai quickly hides the note pad] LORELAI: Uh, I will wait -- to get the full effect. CHRISTOPHER: What you got there? LORELAI: Uh, nothing. Just some of Santa's secret stuff. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yeah? What did you get me? LORELAI: A Maserati. CHRISTOPHER: Oh that's so sweet of you it's amazing how a Maserati can fit behind the bed like that. LORELAI: Well I haven't put it together yet, which reminds me -- do you have any masking tape? CHRISTOPHER: You're gonna assemble the Maserati with masking tape? LORELAI: Don't ask questions! Just get out of here it's Santa's workshop! CHRISTOPHER: All right! [Lorelai gets the note pad] LORELAI: Rory! We have to go shopping, get your dad a Maserati! [Exits room] LANE, ZACH AND BRIAN'S APARTMENT [Lane, Zach and Brian (who can't stop looking at Lanes belly] LANE: So of course I spun the record for a week straight, because who wouldn't want to listen to Art Brut for a week straight? Oh Pass me your lyrics. BRIAN: Yeah. Here they are. LANE: As far as I'm concerned, "Formed a Band" could be the new national anthem. I swear I could literally stand and cover my heart if asked. Brian? Brian? [Lane hits a cymbal] ZACH: Whoa! What's going on here, babe? Everything okay? You got to watch the loud noises. LANE: Loud noises? We're about to play rock music, Zach. BRIAN: Oh, check out the mandolin. ZACH: Yeah, right. She's a beaut, huh? BRIAN: Yeah cool. So what kind of stuff you been working on? ZACH: Mostly I've just been messing around. I wrote one song that was kind of White Stripes' "Little Ghost" meets the Decemberists meets Gulag Orkestar meets, like, "Losing my Religion" meets Jethro Burns on that Steve Goodman album meets "Battle of Evermore" meets The Smiths meets... some other stuff. BRIAN: That's a lot of meeting. ZACH: Exactly. Whoa. Okay, this is eerie. You see the way I'm holding my mandolin. It's exactly one of the baby holds I've learned. See how I have it in the crook of my arm with its head supported? BRIAN: That's how you're supposed to hold a baby? ZACH: One of the ways. Lane, I wish your mom was here. This is so "rock-a-bye, baby." LANE: [A little sarcastically] Fascinating. BRIAN: So wait there are different ways to officially hold a baby? ZACH: Yeah, sure -- you got your "hello, world," where you put the baby's back to your stomach and put your hand under here for support. BRIAN: Hmm ZACH: You got your belly hold, where you put the baby's chest down along one of your forearms. This is really great for gassy babies. Then you got your fruit basket, which is... [Knock on door] LANE: Finally. [Laughs while she goes and opens the door.] GIL: Hey, hey, hey! How we doing? Long time no see. BRIAN: Gil, how's it hangin'? GIL: It's hangin' great, my friend. So, check it out. This is the youngest of my brood -- Macon. Macon, this is the band. MACON: [does the peace sign] What up? GIL: The sitter flaked, and I got Macon the bacon under my wing. ZACH: That's cool. GIL: Sorry for the short notice, but I figured you guys would be a little more understanding being that you're in the family way. Speaking of which... whoa! Check you out, Lane. You are some kind of serious fertility goddess. LANE: Thanks. GIL: Zach, nice work, man. [They high 5] LANE: I thought we should warm up by practicing some of our old songs. Then maybe Zach could show us what he's been doing with the mandolin. GIL: The mandolin. [Zach plays the mandolin] GIL: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na right on. Oh, man! You got the alcmere 3000! LANE: The what? GIL: The breast pump. I'm psyched you guys picked this one. It's really gentle. I mean my wife's got sensitive nipples. This one didn't bum her out at all. [Lane is not impressed] BRIAN: You use that to pump... GIL: Milk. Sure. That's if you choose to go the breast-feeding route. LANE: You guys, I'm sure Brian is not interested in this. BRIAN: Breast-feeding, huh? GIL: Yeah I mean, some people go with the formula deal, which is cool, too. Actually, for baby number two, we did use formula. ZACH: Yeah. GIL: I mean, if you use formula, the old lady can smoke, drink, eat as many tacos as she wants -- no problemo. ZACH: You hear that, babe? LANE: Yeah. Tacos. Thrilling. MALL [Lorelai and Rory are shopping] RORY: Why can't they make books out of something lighter? LORELAI: Lighter than paper? RORY: I'm being punished for being generous. LORELAI: That's what you get for having so many smart friends. So I think we're doing well. RORY: Yeah I think we're done. Oh wait Babette do we have something for Babette? LORELAI: The needlepoint pillow with the sassy saying. RORY: Oh yeah, you know It's kind of impressive when people curse in needlepoint. There's something laborious about it. LORELAI: And I got cologne for Michel and the same cologne for my mother. RORY: Weird. LORELAI: Well, they'll both hate whatever I give them, so I figured, why spend time picking out doomed gifts? Then I have whatever Williams-Sonoma sold me for Sookie -- a butter slicer, a bread warmer/wine maker. RORY: Well, I'm sure she'll love her butter slicer. LORELAI: If that's even what it is. I swear they could attach a stone to a piece of string and call it a poultry pounder, and I'd shell out 35 bucks. RORY: So I guess all we need is dad. LORELAI: Yeah I really want to get him something great. We have the sweater. RORY: And the really heavy book. LORELAI: But I want to get him something that he'll really love. RORY: Well, we will. I mean we'll find something. We have a whole mall here full of post-Christmas prices. Well find something. LORELAI: Guys are tricky, but your dad's really tricky. I mean what does he need? What does he want? RORY: Hmm, perhaps a poultry pounder. LORELAI: Plus, he is my husband now. I've never bought something for a husband. I wish they had a special store for husband stuff. RORY: Hey! [pointing to a telescope] LORELAI: Huh. RORY: What do you think? LORELAI: Maybe. RORY: I think he'd love it. Come on. [they enter the store] Oh, look at this one. LORELAI: Oh! [looks through the eye piece] Doesn't work so good inside, though. RORY: Well. LORELAI: Solar systems, 50% off! RORY: Oh that's not just a post-Christmas sale. That's a post-Pluto sale. LORELAI: Poor Pluto. RORY: Oh, poor Pluto. [spotting Luke] Hey, um, it's Luke. LORELAI: Hmm? [Lorelai looks up to see Luke, he nods and she waves] Hi. I guess we should... RORY: Yeah. [They walk over] APRIL: Oh! Hey! LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hey. Hey, Rory. RORY: Hey, Luke. Hey, April. APRIL: Hey. Hey. LORELAI: Hi. Hi, April. APRIL: Hi. LORELAI: So. LUKE: Yeah April showed up at the diner today out of the blue. APRIL: You make it sound like Pearl Harbor or something. LUKE: No, I mean, it was a surprise -- a nice surprise. So, how's it going? LORELAI: It's -- I'm almost done. LUKE: [looking serious] Done? LORELAI: You're not talking about the letter. You're just asking in general. LUKE: I meant, how's it going? LORELAI: Good. I'm good. We're good. APRIL: Hey, I like your sweaters. They're very festive. RORY: Thank you. It's Christmas for us. LORELAI: Rory was in London at the end of December, so we waited to do Christmas together. LUKE: Of course you did. CASHIER: Sir, do you have a return? LUKE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. RORY: So, April, how was your Christmas? APRIL: Well, I'm 60% atheist and 40% agnostic, so Christmas isn't really a big deal for me. RORY: Oh, really? 60/40, huh? LORELAI: More of a winter solstice gal? APRIL: Exactly. You went to London by yourself over Christmas? RORY: Oh I wasn't exactly by myself. I met my boyfriend there. APRIL: Oh. Meeting a lover in a foreign city -- how glamorous. I can't wait to be grown up and glamorous and make my own decisions about where I go and when. Being a kid is the pits sometimes. LORELAI: It sure is. APRIL: Oh, thanks. LORELAI: What'd you get? APRIL: Well, my dad got me the greatest present ever -- a rock-polishing kit -- but I had already gotten it from my grandma, who's very into Christmas. So we exchanged it for this microscope, which is also the greatest present. LORELAI: Good. RORY: Wow. That's great. APRIL: My dad's always been a great gift giver. LUKE: I guess I don't know if I was always considered good at picking out presents, right, Rory? RORY: Oh, no, you've always been great. LUKE: Towels? APRIL: What towels? RORY: You meant well. APRIL: You gave her towels? RORY: For my birthday. LUKE: I had them monogrammed. I thought it was cool. RORY: Yes you went through quite the monogramming phase. LUKE: I believe you received monogrammed pencils, a monogrammed mug, a monogrammed backpack, and a monogrammed belt. RORY: Well no one ever tried to steal that belt. Those were my favorite towels. I still have the washcloth. APRIL: That's hilarious. RORY: Hey remember the year you got me the unicorn marionette with the purple horn? LUKE: You didn't like the unicorn marionette? RORY: I've never really been that into unicorns. LUKE: I thought you loved that. RORY: I know because I was being polite. APRIL: Being polite can be dangerous. RORY: Yes, it totally backfired, because for the next five years, I only got unicorn items -- unicorn sweatshirt, unicorn pencil case, bumper sticker -- "I brake for unicorns." No but you were always so nice. You never forgot my birthday. And every holiday, there was a monogrammed unicorn item. APRIL: Dad for the record I'm not really into unicorns, either. LUKE: Well, I'm glad to know it. Anyway we should get going. I got to get you home, kiddo. LORELAI: Well, we have to buy up all the Pluto stuff. It's really gonna be a collector's item. LUKE: Sure. APRIL: Bye, you guys. LORELAI: Bye. RORY: Have a merry Christmas. LORELAI: Merry Christmas. STARS HOLLOW - OUTSIDE DOOSES MARKET [Lane and Zach exit] ZACH: Honey, let me carry that. LANE: No, thank you. ZACH: Lane come on. LANE: I'm perfectly capable of carrying a bag of groceries. ZACH: Nutter butters? I put those Nutter butters back on the shelf. LANE: Well I took them off of the shelf. ZACH: You know your mom doesn't think you should be eating too many cookies. LANE: Enough about my mom, okay? I'm so sick of her. ZACH: Come on she's been pretty great, Lane. She cooks for us, she cleans for us. She's a total fount of baby information. LANE: Well you know what maybe you should have married my mom, then, okay? ZACH: Well, I'm sure when your mom was younger... [Lane looks at Zach] hey, I'm just saying, she's a handsome woman. What I'm just saying that I bet when she was younger, she used to look a little like you -- shorter hair, no glasses, maybe a bit more crabby maybe. LANE: Well, I'm sick of her. ZACH: That's kind of harsh. LANE: I am. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of being treated like I'm not a person, like I'm some incubator whose puffy ankles and varicose veins and bathroom habits are up for discussion. On what planet is it appropriate to ask a person how many times a day she urinates? ZACH: Well you can ask me. LANE: I don't want to ask you. ZACH: Six times today so far. I had a lot of coffee. LANE: I'm sick of being told what to eat and what I shouldn't and what side I should sleep on. I'm a person, Zach. I'm an adult. I don't want to be hiding things under the floorboards and behind cushions again. ZACH: Yeah that's no good. Plus, we're starting to get ants and mites. LANE: I don't want everything to change just because we're having these babies. ZACH: But things are going to change. There's no getting around it. Really, really soon, we're gonna have two babies -- two alive human sons. LANE: It was such a small window -- a peephole, really. For years, I was this repressed kid, and then there was the briefest of windows. And then -- slam. All of a sudden, I'm this overburdened mother. I barely got to do it, Zach. I barely got the chance to be a person. ZACH: No, no you can still be a person and you can still be rock 'n' roll. Having babies doesn't mean you can't be rock 'n' roll. LANE: I don't know. ZACH: Give me a break, Sonic Youth has a kid, and they're still way cool. LANE: Yeah. ZACH: And Mick Jagger -- that cat has like 15 kids, and he still goes out and rocks. LANE: Yeah, I guess. ZACH: For sure the man rocks hard, and then he comes home and makes another kid. LANE: I don't want to make any other kids ever. ZACH: All I'm saying is, we can still go out and play. I mean that's one of the cool things about having your mother around -- built-in babysitter. LANE: Yeah. I just don't think I can bear having her around all the time. ZACH: What about weekends, what if she hung out with us on the weekends and spent the week back at her pad? LANE: Yeah, I guess that'd be all right. ZACH: Let me carry that bag for you. LUKE'S DINER - EXTERIOR [Luke and April arrive back from the mall] LUKE: I had such a good time with you today. APRIL: I was thinking that Tuesdays after school, I could tell mom that I have chess club. And I really only have chess club once a week, but I could pretend it's twice a week. As soon as school's over, I could bike halfway to stars hollow, and you could meet me. I could hide in the bushes and do prearranged bird calls, like a mourning dove or something -- a "coo-roo coo-roo coo-roo" as a signal. LUKE: Yeah, I don't think so. APRIL: Or I don't need to do the bird calls. LUKE: It wouldn't be right, April. It wouldn't we can't lie to your mother. APRIL: But. LUKE: Your mother and I are not totally seeing eye to eye on certain things, and so we're sort of in negotiations to figure out how to share our parenting responsibilities. APRIL: Do you have a good lawyer? LUKE: A good... APRIL: You better have a good one, 'cause mom hired a shark. LUKE: We're gonna figure that out. Don't worry about it, okay? But the court case is the reason that it's really important that we do everything honestly and aboveboard. APRIL: Yeah. I guess that makes sense. LUKE: Okay. So...what should we do with the microscope? APRIL: Keep it. I'll use it the next time I'm over -- soon. LUKE: Okay. APRIL: You can set it up if you want. Just make sure that you always remove the slide before you rotate the lenses, or you can grind things up. And always carry it with a hand under the base. LUKE: I'll be very careful. [They hug] APRIL: Bye. LUKE: Bye. Don't forget to put your helmet on. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Lorelai is at her old electric typewriter, typing up the letter, she finishes and puts it in an envelope. Christmas music is playing, Bing Crosby "I'll be home for Christmas you can plan on me please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree..."] LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [The room is in full Christmas mode, we can here Chris and the girls in the kitchen, Lorelai comes down the stairs, she listens for a moment and looks happy] CHRISTOPHER: Look at this -- liquid sugar. It's good for you, this stuff. You think? You like the red or the green? Red? Red the best? I like red, too. Little. Little. RORY: That's dripping. CHRISTOPHER: That's dripping, I'm not very good at this. RORY: You're making a mess, dad. CHRISTOPHER: I'm not very good with the cookies. LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Now in the kitchen, the same song continues] RORY: And what do we say if anyone asks? GIGI: We made, we made cookies by scratching. CHRISTOPHER: [Laughs] "From scratch." GIGI: From scratching. CHRISTOPHER: Well, let's hope nobody asks. RORY: Yeah. Hey, GIGI, You want to lick the beater? GIGI: Yeah. RORY: Here you go. LORELAI: [entering room] Hey. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. We're making some cookies by scratching. LORELAI: Ha, that sounds appetizing. I'm gonna run out for a sec. I'll be right back. RORY: Okay hurry back "Christmas in July" screening in 30 minutes. CHRISTOPHER: Thought we'd start a new tradition. LORELAI: Sounds good. CHRISTOPHER: Gigi, I think we need some of the colors. Can you put some sprinkles on that one? RORY: You want to decorate that one? STARS HOLLOW - STREET SIDE MAILBOX [Lorelai mails the letter and then notices it is starting to snow. The same song is still playing as she walks back home.] BING CROSBY: [singing] Please have snow And mistletoe and presents on the tree Christmas eve will find me...	Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who writes the letter for Luke? A: their Christmas holidays; Q: What do Lorelai and Christopher decide to put on hold while Rory is in London? A: Rory; Q: Who decides to write an apology letter to Lucy? A: several Christmas trees; Q: What do Lorelai and Christopher decorate when Rory returns to Stars Hollow? A: Christmas cookies; Q: What do Lorelai and Christopher bake for the first time as a family? A: the inn; Q: Where does Luke ask Lorelai to write a character recommendation letter? A: Luke; Q: Who asks Lorelai to write a character recommendation letter for his custody battle? A: the mall; Q: Where did Lorelai and Rory run into Luke and April? A: Rory's life; Q: What does Lorelai remember Luke has always been in? A: Luke's attorney; Q: Who does Lorelai mail the letter to? A: their past friendship; Q: What did Rory and Marty keep a secret? Summary: Lorelai and Christopher decide to put their Christmas holidays on hold while Rory is in London over the holidays, Once Rory returns to Stars Hollow, they decorate several Christmas trees, do their shopping and even bake Christmas cookies for the first time as a family. Turning up unexpectedly at the inn, Luke asks Lorelai to write a character recommendation letter for his custody battle over April. Lorelai struggles to write the letter until she and Rory run into Luke and April at the mall and Lorelai suddenly remembers how important Luke has always been in Rory's life. Inspired, Lorelai writes the letter and mails it to Luke's attorney. Rory decides she will write an apology letter to her friend Lucy, explaining why she and Marty kept their past friendship a secret.
THE POWER OF THE DALEKS 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 1 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The colonists are staring at the Dalek with enthusiasm.) DALEK: I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant. I am your servant. HENSELL: So Lesterson, they're even capable of speech! LESTERSON: Yes. But then, why not? After all, they have a certain intelligence. HENSELL: Yes I know, but... LESTERSON: But is... is it... it is... an intelligence that we can control. HENSELL: So what you want is permission to continue your experiments? LESTERSON: Governor, think what it would mean if we were to set it to work in the mines. It could double our production overnight! BRAGEN: Consider the effects it could have on our whole economy. HENSELL: Yes, and the effect of that on Earth... Yes. Yes, they could be very grateful. DOCTOR: (Whispering to the Dalek.) I shall stop you. I will! (The Dalek glides slowly towards the Doctor, but halts when Hensell speaks.) HENSELL: All right Lesterson, permission granted. DOCTOR: Permission? Permission for what? LESTERSON: To continue my work, Examiner. DOCTOR: But... But didn't you all hear what I said? The Daleks must be destroyed! LESTERSON: Ho, ho. Never! DOCTOR: Very well. If not by my order - then by Earth's! Come Ben, Polly. (The Doctor turns towards the door, but Hensell holds up his hand.) HENSELL: Ah, Examiner. Just a moment. Tell me, why are you so against this project? DOCTOR: But I've told you! I realise I can't give you any proof, but you've no idea of the danger! LESTERSON: No. DOCTOR: Yes. Danger! I shall be contacting Earth just as soon as radio communications have been restored. (The Doctor strides towards the door, followed by Ben and Polly. He pauses as he passes the Dalek.) DOCTOR: You're my servant, are you? DALEK: I... I am. DOCTOR: Very well. Immobilise yourself. Go on. I order it! Immediately! (The Dalek renders itself immobile - its eye and sucker sticks droop lifelessly to the ground.) DOCTOR: Huh! (The Doctor strides from the room. Ben and Polly quickly follow. Slightly concerned at the Dalek's inactiveness, Lesterson approaches the metal creation. But as soon as the Doctor leaves, the Dalek resumes its normal posture.) JANLEY: Lesterson. LESTERSON: Why did you stop obeying? You were given an order. DALEK: He has gone. LESTERSON: Then you obey only... DALEK: His order was wrong. I cannot serve human beings if I am immobilised. You gave me power. Your orders are right. I serve you. HENSELL: Lesterson. Lesterson, it reasons. Just how limited is its intelligence? LESTERSON: Now, there is no cause for... for concern, Governor. Just you wait until you see the amount of work it can do! (To the Dalek.) And now, I'm really going to put you through your paces. Follow me, Dalek. DALEK: I obey. (The Dalek follows Lesterson from the laboratory.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 2 - CORRIDOR DOCTOR: (Talking to himself.) That's it! POLLY: We should have stayed with Quinn. BEN: Well, we couldn't have helped him Polly, even if we'd wanted to. The Governor's already reached his verdict. DOCTOR: (In background.) Wire. Scissors. Tape. POLLY: But he didn't murder the real Examiner. I'm sure he didn't. BEN: Oh, well. The way I see it this lot's too busy arguing amongst themselves to do much about anything. Anyway, first things first. The Daleks are the important thing! (The Doctor rushes forward to shake Ben's hand.) DOCTOR: Ah! Congratulations, Ben! BEN: What'd I do? What'd I do? DOCTOR: You just used your brains, that's what you did. The Daleks are the most important thing! (The Doctor suddenly races off, followed quickly by Ben.) POLLY: (Muttering to herself.) I still think Quinn's innocent. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 3 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (Back in Hensell's office, the inquiry has resumed. Quinn is undergoing interrogation by Bragen.) QUINN: How can I be in league with the rebels? BRAGEN: The evidence confirms it. QUINN: It was I that warned of their dangers. BRAGEN: As part of your overall plan! QUINN: You wouldn't even take the matter seriously. BRAGEN: If I was wrong then, I have a chance to rectify it now! QUINN: If that's going to be your attitude, I suggest that we... HENSELL: Quinn! Let us conduct this inquiry in an orderly manner. Now, the Examiner was attacked, there can be no question of that. BRAGEN: And the button grabbed by the Examiner was missing from your suit. HENSELL: Yes, if you've got anything to add to that, you'd better say it now. QUINN: I didn't attack the man. I had no reason to. I was the one that sent for him! HENSELL: You sent for him?! QUINN: It was necessary. Under the circumstances, I'd hardly be likely to sabotage the radio communications. HENSELL: But... but why Quinn? Why? QUINN: Because of the rebels! BRAGEN: The rebels! They're nothing more than one or two fanatics. QUINN: You know as well as I do that they... BRAGEN: Unless you're trying to create trouble here -- to undermine the Governor's position. HENSELL: Bragen, you'd better explain that. BRAGEN: If you're removed, who takes your place? The Deputy Governor, of course. And that's the real reason behind all this trouble, isn't it Quinn? HENSELL: Go on. BRAGEN: You attack the Examiner in the mercury swamp and blame it on the rebels. Then you sabotage the radio -- blame that on the rebels too. HENSELL: Get him out of my sight! QUINN: Hensell, before you listen to these preposterous allegations... (Leering triumphantly at Quinn, Bragen gestures to the guard to escort Quinn away. The guard immediately obeys. Hensell watches sadly as Quinn is marched away.) HENSELL: I chose Quinn myself. I trained him for the job. Why, in a few years time, he'd have had this seat! BRAGEN: Sometimes Governor, a few years is a long time to wait. (Hensell is about to dismiss Bragen, when he holds up his hand.) HENSELL: Oh, Bragen? BRAGEN: Governor? HENSELL: You will assume Quinn's duties. As of now, you are Deputy Governor. (Bragen nods, and strides from the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 4 - GUEST QUARTERS (In the rest room, the Doctor throws a chair against a small control unit, causing the outer casing of the unit to shatter.) DOCTOR: Ah! BEN: I hope you know what you're doing! DOCTOR: So do I! (Retrieving his magnifying glass from one of his pockets, the Doctor commences a careful examination of the unit's components.) DOCTOR: Excellent. excellent. BEN: But I thought we were after the Daleks, not this control unit you've nicked! DOCTOR: If only we could find a... Ah, yes! (Rushing to the bed, the Doctor hurriedly pulls off a number of cushions. Once he finds the bed-frame underneath, the Doctor rips off a metal bracket. He then returns to the control unit.) BEN: He's a right little delinquent, isn't he? POLLY: Doctor, what on Earth are you up to? (The Doctor pulls a metal bracket from the bed frame.) POLLY: Ooh! DOCTOR: Ah! Now we're really getting somewhere! BEN: Look Doctor, I don't want to appear dim, but how's this going to do the Daleks in? DOCTOR: They think that Lesterson's the driving force, but I don't. The Daleks are using him. POLLY: But how? DOCTOR: Problem. Smash the Daleks, and the people here will lock us up or kill us. Let the Daleks go, and we'll all be exterminated. BEN: We could just go back to the TARDIS. At least we'd be safe to think there. DOCTOR: (Attaching the metal bracket to the control unit.) Oh yes, that's coming on. BEN: (Sighing to Polly.) Oh, you talk to him, will you? POLLY: Doctor look, if you told us what you were up to, perhaps we could help you. DOCTOR: Mustn't underestimate any of them. Lesterson's a first class scientist, first class. He opened the capsule. He realised that the Daleks could be reactivated. BEN: Yeah, that could be the answer. Let's kidnap Lesterson, and hide him away for a bit. Well, it would stop him bringing the Daleks back to life, wouldn't it? (Polly raises her eyebrows at Ben's suggestion.) BEN: I thought it was pretty bright. (Meanwhile, the Doctor connects the metal bracket from the bed-frame to the control unit. He holds up the device for Ben and Polly to see.) DOCTOR: There we are. BEN: What is it? DOCTOR: What is it? It could be the answer to all our problems. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 5 - CORRIDOR (The Doctor, Ben and Polly rush towards Lesterson's laboratory. On the way, they pass Quinn, being escorted by a guard.) QUINN: Ah Examiner, don't let them fool you about the rebels. They're strong. (The guard attempts to force Quinn to move on, but Quinn resists.) QUINN: (Shouting back.) Try and find out where they hold their meetings. POLLY: Leave him alone! QUINN: It's all right, Polly. (As Quinn is dragged away, Polly moves forward to help, but the Doctor restrains her.) DOCTOR: We'll help him Polly, but later. POLLY: Yes but... DOCTOR: Now, this is a case where a little injustice is better than wholesale slaughter. What we want is in Lesterson's laboratory. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 6 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (In his laboratory, Lesterson is sitting in front of the Dalek with a stop watch in his hand. Janley stands nearby, holding a clip-board.) LESTERSON: Incredible! Well, let's move on to test fourteen. DALEK: I am ready. LESTERSON: When sodium acts on ethyl alcohol, what is the resulting derivative? DALEK: Sodium ethoxide. C2 H5 ONA. LESTERSON: Just five seconds, Janley! Just the time it took to speak the answer. JANLEY: (Checking her notes.) Right too. LESTERSON: But of course it's right! Look, can you imagine what kind of positronic brain this robot has, Janley? Think of the store of knowledge that it must carry. (To the Dalek.) Sulphuric acid. DALEK: H2 SO4. LESTERSON: Ah, you see? (With a huge smile on his face, the Doctor pokes his head through the doorway.) DOCTOR: May I come in? LESTERSON: What do you want? DOCTOR: Oh, ah, just to see how you're getting on. LESTERSON: If you think... DOCTOR: No, please! I'm... I'm not here to cause trouble. I... I'm just interested, that's all. LESTERSON: You've done nothing but meddle and interfere ever since you landed on Vulcan. DOCTOR: Well, I... I did give you permission to open up the capsule, now didn't I? Please, carry on. LESTERSON: And you won't try to stop me? DOCTOR: Stop you? No, of course not. We get off on the wrong foot, Lesterson, but... but I'm a reasonable man and... and I've been thinking, perhaps I was hasty. LESTERSON: Well, if you... if you... if you really want to call a truce. DOCTOR: A truce? My dear fellow, I... I'd like to be friends! LESTERSON: Yes. Yes. Very well, you may stay. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. Thank you. (Whispers to Ben and Polly.) Perhaps you'd like to amuse yourselves for a little while. (The Doctor hurriedly waves at Ben and Polly to leave the room. Lesterson then approaches the Doctor, and commences a proud display of some of his notes. On a nearby desk, a communicator bleeps. Janley picks up the receiver.) JANLEY: Laboratory. Yes. (Janley listens closely to the voice on the other end. Glancing around, she notices that the two men are busy.) JANLEY: All right, I can come now. Right. (Janley picks up a bundle wrapped in a cloth. She heads towards the door, ensuring that the bundle is obscured from Lesterson's sight.) JANLEY: I just have to slip out for a few minutes, Lesterson, alright? LESTERSON: Ah, yes, yes. Um, very well then. Examiner, shall we test its knowledge of physics? DOCTOR: Oh, oh, splendid, splendid. Ah, huh, please, please, carry on. LESTERSON: Thank you. (To the Dalek.) D... what is the First Law of Thermodynamics? DALEK: When heat is transformed into any other kind of energy or vice versa, the total quantity of energy remains invariable. That is to say, the quantity of heat which disappears is equivalent to the quantity of other kind of energy produced... (As the Dalek recites the answer, the Doctor stealthily moves towards the power unit. He then removes the modified control unit from one of his pockets, and begins connecting it to the power unit. Sensing something is wrong, the Dalek glides towards the Doctor. Just as Lesterson glances up, the Doctor flicks a switch on his control unit. The laboratory is filled with a deafening screeching noise. The Dalek spins helplessly around the laboratory, with its eye and sucker sticks swivelling uncontrollably.) LESTERSON: (Rushing towards the power unit.) Fool! What do you think you're doing? DALEK: (In background.) Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... (Lesterson pushes the Doctor aside and flicks off the switch. He then hurls the Doctor's modified device to the floor.) DOCTOR: I'm saving your life! LESTERSON: Get out! Get out! (Lesterson examines the power unit as the Dalek recovers its composure.) DALEK: Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... I have, ah, sustained no damage. (The Dalek whirls towards the Doctor. It makes a 'clicking' noise as its empty gun-socket 'fires' upon the Doctor.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 7 - GOVERNOR'S TERRACE (Janley arrives at Hensell's terrace. Bragen is waiting for her.) JANLEY: It's all right to ... ? BRAGEN: (Nodding.) You were able to get away then? JANLEY: Yes. Lesterson's with the Examiner. And Hensell? BRAGEN: At a meeting of production managers. He left me in control. JANLEY: We could take over the colony now. BRAGEN: No. No it has to be absolutely right. I don't want to take over a colony full of rebels do I, Janley? JANLEY: Well, I don't know. You're making me help them. BRAGEN: Only to stir them up to create enough trouble to get rid of Hensell, and then... and then we crush them. The whole colony will be grateful, and I'll be Governor. (Janley unwraps the bundle to reveal the Dalek gun-stick.) BRAGEN: Is that the gun you told me of? (Janley nods.) BRAGEN: Can you persuade the rebels this will help them? JANLEY: Yes, Valmar thinks he can work in a switch to turn it on and off. BRAGEN: How powerful is it? JANLEY: It killed Resno, Lesterson's assistant, and Lesterson believes that Resno's simply shaken up -- taking a few days off. BRAGEN: And the body? JANLEY: In the mercury swamp. Lesterson was the indirect cause of Resno's death. It's a good hold over him if he makes trouble. I'll give this to Valmar then? BRAGEN: Yes. JANLEY: When do we move? BRAGEN: I need another card in my hand. The Examiner bothers me. JANLEY: I thought Quinn was the danger. BRAGEN: Uh, not any more. The Examiner is no fool. No, there has to be something else. (Bragen smiles as he considers an idea.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 8 - CORRIDOR POLLY: Well? BEN: Well, he's not in the laboratory, Lesterson's by himself. POLLY: Hmm. He must have gone another way. Can I leave it you? I'm going to go back to the rest room. BEN: Well, but... POLLY: Well, somebody's got to clear it up. BEN: Okay. (As Ben walks off, Janley suddenly appears and approaches Polly.) JANLEY: Hello there. POLLY: Hello. Um, you're Lesterson's assistant aren't you? JANLEY: Yes. You're not looking for the Examiner are you? POLLY: Well, do you know where he is? JANLEY: Yes, he's waiting to get a message through from Earth. He's in the Communications Room. POLLY: Umm... (Polly looks around in confusion.) JANLEY: Oh, you'll find it easy enough. Look. Around, then to your right, in the next block. POLLY: Thanks very much. (Janley smiles as Polly walks off. As soon as Polly disappears from sight, Janley follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 9 - COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (Opening the door of the Communications Room, Polly peers in uncertainly.) POLLY: Doctor? Anyone here? (Suddenly, a man appears behind Polly and clasps a hand over her mouth.) JANLEY: Well done Valmar. Hold her. Hold her. (Polly struggles furiously, in a vain attempt to shake free of the man's grasp. Janley appears, and breaks a small phial of liquid into a handkerchief. She then holds the handkerchief over Polly's face. Polly collapses unconscious to the floor.) JANLEY: There, that'll keep her quiet for a bit. VALMAR: I've no idea who she is. She was just snooping around. JANLEY: I sent her. We want her kept out of the way. Get a couple of your men to keep her in a safe place. (Janley unwraps the Dalek gun and shows it to Valmar.) JANLEY: Now, this is what I told you about. VALMAR: Yes. The lethal power must come from here. JANLEY: Uh, huh. VALMAR: It should have quite a good range. JANLEY: Can you fix it? VALMAR: It's easy. This could win us the revolution. POLLY: Ahh... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 10 - GUEST QUARTERS (Back in the rest room, the Doctor is stretched out on the bed, thoughtfully playing a tune on his recorder. Ben paces the room back and forward.) BEN: She said she was coming back here. She knew the way, and she wouldn't have wandered off. I know she wouldn't! Oh! (Ben is frustrated by the Doctor's lack of concern.) DOCTOR: Ben, if you were a Dalek what would be your next move? BEN: I'm talking about Polly. DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, no. She's a clever girl, but she couldn't answer this. BEN: But she is missing! DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no. BEN: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! DOCTOR: No, no, no! She's looking around, there's a lot to see in the colony. She's interested. I like that. (Ben grabs hold of the Doctor's arm, and leads him to the door.) BEN: Come on. DOCTOR: Where are we going? BEN: To report it. If we make a fool of ourselves, I don't care! We report it! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 11 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY LESTERSON: (To the Dalek.) Yes, yes, yes. I managed to stop that fool of an Examiner just in time. You know there are some people here who believe that you're an enemy. DALEK: I am your servant. (The Dalek indicates a piece of the laboratory equipment.) DALEK: What does this machine do? LESTERSON: You know, it's amazing. You have an almost human interest and curiosity. DALEK: A Dalek is bet... is not the same as a human. If I am to help, I must know everything. LESTERSON: Yes. Yes, of course. DALEK: What is this machine? LESTERSON: It computes meteorite storms as they approach our weather satellites. DALEK: How accurate is it? LESTERSON: About, ah, seventy percent. It helps to cut down on our satellite losses. DALEK: Daleks can build pu... computers with one hundred percent accuracy. LESTERSON: One hundred percent? DALEK: If you provide materials and our own power unit, a computer will be built. LESTERSON: A hundred percent. That would be an enormous saving for the... for the colony! DALEK: Then, you will get the materials? LESTERSON: I'll go and speak to the Governor at once. DALEK: I will be ready to dictate the blueprint when you return. LESTERSON: Huh, huh. Oh, that's marvellous! (Lesterson excitedly leaves the room. As soon as the Dalek is satisfied that it is alone, it moves towards the power unit, and adjusts a control with its sucker-arm. A vibrating noise begins to emanate from the capsule. The Dalek glides into the capsule.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 12 - CORRIDOR (Ben rushes through a corridor, in an attempt to find someone in authority. He turns back, and notices that the Doctor is lagging behind. The Doctor appears lost in thought, as he mutters a number of mathematical calculations to himself.) BEN: You agreed we'd go and see Bragen. DOCTOR: Hmm? (To himself.) Power. BEN: Come on then! DOCTOR: (To himself.) Now the energy intake for Daleks should be the cube... (The Doctor rips a piece of paper from a noticeboard, and absent-mindedly scribbles down a number of calculations.) DOCTOR: Now then... BEN: Well, now what are you at? (The Doctor continues to mutter to himself.) BEN: Talk to yourself. (Sighing heavily, the Doctor pins the paper back on the board.) DOCTOR: Oh, it's useless with incomplete data! (The Doctor suddenly notices someone approaching. He hurriedly shoves Ben out of sight.) DOCTOR: Lesterson! BEN: Eh? DOCTOR: He just went past. That means we can get into his laboratory again. BEN: But we're looking for... DOCTOR: Oh, come along, Ben. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 13 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (Inside the laboratory, the Doctor notices a number of cables stretching from the power unit, and leading into the capsule.) BEN: There's somebody in there. (Moving slowly, the Doctor and Ben approach the capsule. A Dalek suddenly appears from within the capsule.) DALEK: What are you doing here? DOCTOR: Stand aside. Servants shouldn't question. DALEK: Entry is restricted. DOCTOR: Not for me it isn't. "Accord every access". I've got a badge. DALEK: That is an order. DOCTOR: A Dalek order. Short circuit the generator, Ben. (Ben moves towards the power unit.) DALEK: Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Ah!... Stand back! DOCTOR: Don't be frightened of it Ben. It's not armed. I'm going to see what it was doing in there. (The Doctor dashes towards the capsule, but is halted when two more Daleks appear from the capsule. Both are armed with gun-sticks.) DOCTOR: Ben, let's get out of here! BEN: Fool. Lesterson must have reactivated them. (The Doctor and Ben turn towards the door.) DOCTOR: Yes. When I say run, run like a rabbit. Run! (The Doctor and Ben sprint from the laboratory, as the two armed Daleks glide up to the first Dalek (still unarmed).) UNARMED DALEK: I have sent the human being for materials. NEW DALEK: And power? UNARMED DALEK: Yes. Power we can turn into static, then we will conquer. (The Daleks monotonously grate in unison.) DALEKS: We will conquer... We will conquer... We will conquer... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 14 - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (In Hensell's room, an inquest is taking place in regard to the reactivated Daleks.) DOCTOR: But if you didn't do it Lesterson, then the Dalek must have used your power supply and reactivated the others itself. LESTERSON: I was going to do that anyway. BEN: Are you off your head, mate? Those two are armed! LESTERSON: Then we turn off the electricity, disarm them, and then everything is safe again. DOCTOR: I've already explained to you. HENSELL: Stop these arguments, both of you. I've had enough. I've every confidence in Lesterson. He has carte blanche for the Daleks from now on. DOCTOR: But they must be destroyed! HENSELL: Bragen, I'm making a tour of the perimeter. I put you in direct charge here. See that Lesterson gets everything he wants, will you? (Hensell strides from the room, as Lesterson turns to Bragen.) LESTERSON: I shall need a permanent guard on my laboratory, Bragen. (Glaring at Lesterson, the Doctor stalks from the room, closely followed by Ben.) BRAGEN: Don't worry about the Examiner. I think I can keep him quiet. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 15 - GUEST QUARTERS BEN: We've been forgetting about Polly. DOCTOR: Greed and ambition, that's all it is. Wait till they find out what their precious production figures have cost them! (There is a knock at the door, and Bragen strides in. The Doctor sits down on a chair, deliberately placing his back to Bragen. He pulls out his recorder.) BEN: Oh, I want to see you. BRAGEN: What about? BEN: Well it's Polly, she's missing. We can't find her anywhere. (The Doctor starts playing his recorder.) BRAGEN: I'll tell one of my men to make enquiries. It shouldn't take long to find her. BEN: Ah, thanks. BRAGEN: Examiner, some of my men have found a body in the mercury swamp. It was the body of a middle-aged man. DOCTOR: What is that to do with me? BRAGEN: You're the Examiner -- or maybe you're not. (The Doctor stops playing and turns to face Bragen.) DOCTOR: Just exactly what do you mean by that? BRAGEN: Who are you? Quinn's friends? Come to stir up rebellion? DOCTOR: There's only one possible way that you could know I'm not the Examiner. BEN: Yeah, by knowing what the real Examiner looked like! DOCTOR: Exactly, Ben. Exactly! Only two people knew of his arrival on this planet. Myself and his murderer. BRAGEN: That's enough! BEN: Is it? Doctor, we've got to tell the Governor. BRAGEN: Do you think he'll believe you? I'll soon convince him that you murdered the man yourself. You stole the Examiner's badge. DOCTOR: Then why don't you arrest us? Because there's a doubt isn't there? Because it might, it just might, go against you. BRAGEN: All right, all right, so neither of us wants to make a move. But you leave Lesterson alone - and the Daleks! (Bragen hurriedly leaves the room.) BEN: He'd make a right Father Christmas, wouldn't he? DOCTOR: Oh, I'd rather fight a hundred of his sort than just one Dalek. (Suddenly, an envelope is thrust under the door. Ben rushes forward and opens the door, but the corridor is empty. Ben picks up the letter and reads it.) BEN: Listen to this. "The girl is safe. She will remain so as long as you leave the Daleks alone". [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 16 - LESTERSON'S LABORATORY (In the laboratory, Lesterson is talking to the first Dalek. Two more Dalek gun-sticks are lying on a nearby table.) LESTERSON: And did you disarm the other two? DALEK: Yes. We are your servants. We do not need guns. LESTERSON: I'm very glad. I knew the Examiner was wrong about you. DALEK: Did you get our materials? LESTERSON: Yes. Everything you need you can have. DALEK: And a power plant? LESTERSON: Everything. (The other two Daleks emerge from the capsule, both disarmed.) DALEK: We will get our power. ALL DALEKS: We will get our power. We will get our power. We will get our power. We will... (Chanting relentlessly, the Daleks turn to Lesterson. A slight frown appears on Lesterson's face.)	Plan: A: Polly; Q: Who is taken prisoner by the rebels? A: the Dalek; Q: What do the rebels plan to use to take control of the colony? Summary: Polly is taken prisoner by the rebels who are planning to use the Dalek to take control of the colony.
Scene: The apartment. Steph: I don't see anything at all, Sheldon. Sheldon: Well, you're the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound. Leonard: Me, too. Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle? Leonard: No, it's more of a relentless, narcissistic drone. Steph: Yup, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon. Sheldon: Then it must be a tumour. Steph: I Seriously doubt it. Leonard: Maybe it's a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies. Sheldon: Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church. Steph: Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there's something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I'm going to bed Leonard: Okay, I'll be right in. Sheldon: It's not enough that she mocks me, but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot. Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie's not here to treat your imaginary ailments? Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don't think so. Leonard: Good night. Sheldon: Leonard, there's one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I'm calling an emergency meeting. Leonard: No, you're not. Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I'd like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon "cohabitation" rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together. Leonard: We're not living together. Sheldon: I beg to disagree. "A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights. Leonard: That's absurd. Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H. Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers. Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I'm given to understand women have different needs, so, we'll have to discuss that. Leonard: I'm going to bed. Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve. Credits sequence. Scene: The kitchen. Leonard: No, absolutely not. Sheldon: It's not a big deal. We have latex gloves. Leonard: I don't care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam. Steph: Hi, Sheldon. Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night. Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that. Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once? Steph: He did very nicely. Sheldon: See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer. Penny (entering): Out of coffee. Need coffee. Steph: Uh, hello. Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right? Steph: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are? Penny: I'm Penny, I live across the hall. I've heard a lot about you. Steph: Really? Penny: Mm-hmm. Steph: I haven't heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear? Leonard: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear! Sheldon: In Leonard's defence, it wasn't for lack of trying. Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon. Sheldon: You're welcome, Leonard. Leonard: Look, I'm just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it's very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian. Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian. Leonard: She doesn't like you. Um, well, uh, you have a gall bladder to remove and I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so... Steph: Well, it was very nice meeting you. Penny: Nice to finally meet you, too. Steph: And I'll see you tonight? Leonard: Okay, bye-bye. Steph: Bye. Sheldon: What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian? Penny: So, that's Stephanie, huh? Leonard: Why do I feel like I'm the one that just got the prostate exam? Penny: You know, she seems very nice. Sheldon: Oh, she is. She's terrific, and she's proving to be a valuable roommate. Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together? Sheldon: Like hippies. Leonard: We're not living together. Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again? Leonard: We're not living together. Penny: Are you sure? Leonard: How could I not be sure? Penny: Well, let's find out. Leonard: Don't you think if a woman was living with me I'd be the first one to know about it? Penny: Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it. (Looking through his wardrobe) Hmm, cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you! Leonard: We're not living together. Penny: Okay, hmm, scented candles, fuzzy slippers, ooh, floral bed sheets? Leonard: We're not living together. Penny: Okay, moving on. Now, who are these guys at Disney World? Leonard: Uh, the big dog is Goofy, and the older couple with the mouse ears , I have no idea. We're not living together! Penny: You're going to go down swinging, huh? All right, well, we got your body lotion, your InStyle Magazine, your jewellery box. Leonard: We're not... Where's my Bat Signal? Penny: You have a Bat Signal? Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must've... Oh, my God, we're living together. Penny: Really? What was your first clue? Scene: The university cafeteria. Howard: New pants? Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me. Howard: Nice. Cotton? Leonard: Actually, I think it's more of wool, fire ant blend. Howard: So, the girlfriend's buying clothes for you, huh? Sounds serious. Leonard: It is actually. In fact, I gave it a lot of thought and I decided it was time for us to live together. Howard: Uh, Leonard, huge mistake. There's a whole buffet of women out there and you're just standing in the corner eating the same devilled egg over and over again. Leonard: At least I have an egg. What do you have? Howard: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can't. Leonard: So, go hit on her. Howard: She's not my type. Raj: Too bad, 'cause she was checking you out before. Howard: She was? Raj: Of course not. Look at her. Leonard: I don't care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me. Scene: The hospital. Steph: Sheldon, what are you doing here? Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk. Steph: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff? Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer. Steph: Thank you. Sheldon: Didn't they teach you that in medical school? Steph: I'm kinda busy here, Sheldon. Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests. Steph: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI? Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions. Steph: Go home, Sheldon. Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium! Scene: The laundry room. Penny: Oh hey. Leonard: Oh, good. Do you have any fabric softener? Penny: Yeah, sure. What are you washing? A crocodile? Leonard: No, the pants that Stephanie got me. Penny: Oh, sweetie, you can't machine wash these. They'll be ruined. Leonard: Are you sure? Penny: Absolutely. Leonard: Oh, no. I wish you'd told me that sooner. Penny: Are you guys having problems? Leonard: No, everything's fine. Penny: Really? Leonard: Yeah. It's wonderful. Okay, maybe this whole living together happened kind of suddenly, but it's fine, it's great. Penny: Okay, Leonard, honey, you know, if you're uncomfortable with the way things are going, you're allowed to say something. Leonard: Are you sure? That doesn't sound right. Penny: Believe me, your feelings are just as important as hers. Leonard: No that doesn't sound right either. Penny: Just tell her you need the relationship to move at a pace that you both are comfortable with. Leonard: Yeah, I could say something like that to her. I'll go do that. Thank you. Penny: Sure. Leonard: You have a really good grasp on this. Maybe you could talk to her? Penny: You're kidding, right? Leonard: No, but that's okay. I'll go talk to her. Want to come with? Penny: Go! Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Steph: Oh, no. Sheldon: Wha? Steph: You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do? Steph: You're going to need to stop talking immediately. Sheldon: For how... Steph: Du-du-du-du! Immediately. Leonard: Hey. Steph: Oh, hi, honey. Leonard: Sheldon. (He waves) What's going on? Steph: I just performed a Sheldonectomy. Leonard: Careful, if you don't get it all, it'll only come back worse. Steph: Gotcha. Leonard: Listen, we need to talk. Steph: Oh-oh. Do we need to talk or do we "need to talk"? Leonard: I don't know what that means. Steph: Okay, why don't you just tell me what it is you have to tell me? Leonard: Okay, um, well, look, it's just that things between you and me have been going pretty quick. Steph: And? Leonard: It's just a little scary. Steph: Well, yeah, but scary good, right? Leonard: Sure, when is scary not good? But, okay, um, I have feelings, right? Steph: Uh-huh. Leonard: Okay, and it's perfectly okay to express those feelings, right? Steph: Of course honey why don't you tell me what it is you're feeling? Leonard: Okay, well, I ju... I think it's important to remember that we move at a pace that is our speed and... oh, shoot, I had it! Steph: Okay, how about this? How about I tell you what I'm feeling? Leonard: What's that? Really? Right now? Steph: Why not? Leonard: I just ate, aren't you supposed to wait an hour? Steph: I think that's for swimming. Leonard: Oh, okay. I just hope I don't get cramps. Steph: Yeah. Scene: The laundry room. Leonard: Hey. Penny: Hey. Oh, I put your clothes in the dryer. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: Your pants are ruined. Leonard: Good. Penny: So, how did the talk with Stephanie go? Leonard: Well, um, on one level, really, really well. Penny: So, you told her you wanted to slow things down? Leonard: Not specifically, but, uh, I did tell her that I had feelings. Penny: Good, good. And then what? Leonard: And then the, the subject got changed somehow. Penny: You had sx, didn't you? Leonard: Um, little bit. (She looks at her watch) What? Penny: Nothing. Okay, well, it sounds like things are going to work out. Leonard: Yeah, yeah it's all good. Everything's going to work out. One way or another. Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to. Leonard: Really? Penny: Yes, you don't always have to go along with what the woman wants. Leonard: Huh. Penny: What? Leonard: Nothing, just rethinking my whole life. Okay, here's the thing, I'm afraid that if I ask her to move out, she'll just dump me. Penny: Well, it's a chance you have to take. I mean, look, if it's meant to be, it'll be. Leonard: Very comforting. Okay, so what do I say to her? Penny: I don't know. I mean, what have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down? Leonard: I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark? Penny: Yeah, that'll slow it down. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Leonard and Steph have just had sx. Steph: I'm sorry, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying? Leonard: Oh, right, yeah, um, so, Stephanie, here's the thing. I really like you. Steph: Oh, God, here comes the speech. Leonard: What speech? Steph: I really like you, but maybe we should spend a little less time together 'cause I need my space but I'll call you on Tuesday, and then you never call me so I call you, but you don't call me back and then when I run into you at the coffee shop you pretend like you've been having problems with your voice mail and I know that you're lying, but I pretend like I don't care even though I'm dying inside! Leonard: No! No, no! I wasn't going to say any of that. I was just going to say, I really like you. Steph: Oh. Oh, good! 'Cause I really like you, too. Leonard: Terrific. Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard: Hey. Raj: Hey. Howard: Hey. Nice sweater. Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got it for me. It's kind of fun. Raj: It's got a big bird on it, dude. Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that's the fun part. We're also getting new curtains for my bedroom, and a dust ruffle, and a duvet, and I don't even know what a duvet is but I'm pretty sure if I did I wouldn't want one, but every time I talk to her about moving out she cries and we have sx. Raj: You're lucky. With me, it's usually the other way around. Howard: You know, if you can't talk to her, why don't you just text her? Leonard: Isn't that kind of cowardly? Howard: Oh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible. Raj: It's true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater. Leonard: Sold. "I think it would be better for our relationship if you moved back to your place." There. It's done. Howard: Good for you. Leonard: Yeah, good for me. I'll never have sx again. (Phone buzzes) I was wrong. See ya. Scene: Outside Penny's apartment. Sheldon has his laptop. He knocks three times, the presses a button and an electronic voice says "Penny". He does this three times. Penny (opening door): Sheldon? Computer voice: I have an inflamed larynx. Penny: Okay? Computer voice: We're out of herbal tea. Do you have any? Penny: Okay, let me check. Computer voice: Some hiney would be nice, too. Penny: Hiney? Computer voice: Honey.	Plan: A: Stephanie; Q: Who gives Sheldon a physical examination? A: Leonard; Q: Who does not acknowledge that Stephanie has moved into their apartment? A: Penny; Q: Who searches Leonard's room to find evidence that Stephanie is living with him? A: Leonard's new relationship; Q: What is Penny unaware of? A: Leonard's room; Q: Where does Penny search to find out if Stephanie is living with Leonard? A: various signs; Q: What did Penny discover in Leonard's room that led her to believe that Stephanie was living with him? A: Leonard new clothes; Q: What did Stephanie buy that Leonard hates? A: the hospital; Q: Where does Sheldon go to test his tinnitus? A: a fake larynx inflammation; Q: What did Stephanie diagnose Sheldon with? A: a "Sheldonectomy; Q: What is the procedure that Stephanie has Sheldon undergo called? Summary: Stephanie effectively moves into Leonard's and Sheldon's apartment, though Leonard does not acknowledge this. Stephanie gives Sheldon a physical examination as he claims to have tinnitus. Penny, initially unaware of Leonard's new relationship, shows up in the guys' apartment, and then searches Leonard's room with him, discovering various signs that Stephanie is indeed living with him. After Stephanie buys Leonard new clothes that he later hates, he realizes that his relationship with Stephanie is moving too fast for him. He repeatedly tries to tell Stephanie to move out, but each time she diverts him by initiating sex. Meanwhile, Sheldon sneaks into the hospital to test himself, as his tinnitus has not stopped. When Leonard next returns to the apartment, Stephanie has diagnosed Sheldon with a fake larynx inflammation and instructed him not to speak at all, a procedure she calls a "Sheldonectomy".
Act One. Scene One - Radio Station. Frasier is about to begin his show and is sat at his control panel. Roz is in her booth. Frasier: Roz? None of these lights seem to be flashing. Roz: Hey, what do you know, I got the same thing over here. Frasier: Well, who's our first caller? Roz: No-one. Frasier: Well, how much time do we have? Roz: None. [points] Frasier: [on air:] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Well, I have some good news for you. As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks, it seems that all our lines are open. So please call in, no waiting. [nothing] Absolutely no waiting! Oh come on, somebody's marriage must be on the skids. Somebody's career must be going badly, [laughs] other than mine! Hey, how about all you agoraphobics, I know you're not outside! [notices light:] Oh, there's a call! I'll take it, I'll take it. [presses button:] Hello, I'm listening. Alice: [v.o:] Hi Dr. Crane, my name is Alice and I'm usually a happy person but today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things. My job isn't that exciting, my kids don't call me... pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk. Frasier: Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help. Do you have some time? Alice: Well, it's three 'o clock and I'm still in my bathrobe. Frasier: Perfect! Well, it started three days ago. You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie. So, he had to take him to the vet... FLASHBACK TO: Scene Two - Café Nervosa. The story starts off as we see Eddie laying unhappily on the floor next to a cup of milk. Daphne, Frasier, Roz and Martin are sat around the table next to him. Roz: So what's the doctor say? Martin: He's stumped. I told him, he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff. Frasier: Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13-B. Martin: He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically, he thinks it might be an emotional problem. Daphne: You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs. Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer? Frasier: Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?" Martin: Maybe Eddie's just lonely, you know, I was thinking maybe we could get another, er... Frasier: Stop right there, Dad! We're not getting another dog. Martin: Oh, come on, what could be more fun than having a little brother or sister around the house to play with? Frasier: I fell for that trick once, Dad! Martin: Well, I'm going to get this little guy home. Daphne: All right, I'll see you at home. I'll pick up some beans before I go. Martin leaves with Eddie as Daphne goes to the counter to pick up her beans. Roz notices a man. Roz: Wow. There's a guy over there checking me out. He's coming over here, get out. No, it's too late, just pretend you're not with me. Kagen: Hello, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Dr. Kagen. Kagen: I hope I'm not interrupting you? Frasier: Oh, not at all. I don't even know who she is. Roz: Frasier! [to Kagen] Hi, I'm Roz Doyle. Kagen: Dr. Stephen Kagen. Frasier: Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into my building about three months ago - from Chicago, I believe? Kagen: Yes, that's right. I love what I've seen in Seattle but I'm still finding my way around. Frasier: Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide. Kagen: Really? Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you could show me all the hotspots. Frasier: [laughs] Oh, I think that can be arranged. Roz: I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Here's my card. [hands it over] Kagen: Great. I'll give you a call. Nice meeting you, Roz. Dr. Crane. Frasier: Dr. Kagen. Dr. Kagen leaves as Frasier and Roz chat. Roz: [laughs] Thank you, Frasier! A gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything! [stares at him through window] So, what kind of doctor is he? Frasier: A gynecologist. Roz: [snaps around] That's not funny! Frasier: What's the matter? Roz: He really is? Oh God, I can't go out with a gynecologist! Do you know what they do all day? Frasier: I have a general idea! Daphne: [passes with beans] All right, I'll see you at home. Roz: Hey, would you date a gynecologist? Daphne: Oh God, no. Roz: [to Frasier] See? Daphne: I wouldn't even date a dentist. Hands in people's mouths all day! And after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not anxious to date a vet anytime soon! As Daphne exits, we hear the sound of tapping on glass. [SCENE_BREAK] Radio Station. Frasier's story is interrupted by Roz banging on the control room partition, holding up a card reading "WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER THIS?!" Frasier: Oh, [chuckles] anyway, that's really more of a side trip. Getting back to our story - by the time I got home that day, alas, for Eddie was no better. FLASHBACK TO: Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Eddie is laid flat out on Martin's chair. Martin is on the floor waving a cuddly carrot in Eddie's face. Martin: Hey look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot! Oh, he'll give you good eyesight, you'll have a lot of fun with this too! Frasier: [enters and sees the scene:] Dad. Martin: Yeah? Frasier: What are you doing? Martin: Oh, I ran out and bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie. I thought it just might cheer him up, you know? Hey Eddie, look at this. [shows him a cuddly hamburger:] Hamburger! Juicy, meaty. I bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't ya'? No? Well, then there's more for me. [pretending to be hamburger:] I sure hope you don't take a bite out of me at the side. Eddie shows no reaction. Martin gives up. Martin: Did you ever see anything sadder than this? Frasier: No, I can't say that I have. The doorbell sounds as Daphne enters. Daphne: Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane. He said he was going to bring his dog over. Martin: Oh, not that four-legged Maris! Frasier: Dad, please. Don't call it that in front of him. He has no idea. Martin: How could he not? It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris, aside from the fact that it eats now and then they're dead ringers! Daphne opens the door to Niles and his Whippet, Girl. Daphne: Hello. Niles: Hello Daphne, hello all. I heard Eddie was down, and I thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila! Martin: I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I've already tried it in the park with real dogs and it didn't work. Niles: Well, you'll change your tune when you see my Girl turn on her charm. [to Girl] Go to Eddie. Go to Eddie. [nothing] Okay. Niles picks her up and keeps pushing her into Eddie's face, chanting "Do your stuff." Nothing happens, causing Frasier to laugh, Daphne to roll her eyes and Martin to screw up his face. Niles: That's it. [nothing] Oh, oh, I can see her magic working already. Good girl. She escapes and runs away down the corridor to Martin's room. Niles: Come back, Girl. Come back here this instant! [nothing] Okay. [prances after her] Martin: Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this. Daphne: How would a nice old batch of Grammy Moon's sugar biscuits sound? Frasier: Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're saying? Martin: Hey, I read somewhere that dogs can understand up to four hundred words. Now, a super-smart dog like Eddie probably knows a thousand. Frasier: Oh really, Dad! Martin: Eddie understands a helluva lot more than you give him credit for. Daphne: Yes. Why, just yesterday I said, "Eddie, I've lost my keys" [Eddie looks up] and he looked up at me... EDDIE'S P.O.V. We then see the world through Eddie's eyes. The picture is in black and white. He hears Daphne sounding a high pitched "mini-mini", Frasier sounding a low "yadda, yadda, yadda" and Martin a "Yaka, Yaka". However, every time one of them says "Eddie" it comes through clearly. Then back in normal vision: Frasier: ...anything other than the simple fact of his name or a grunt! Niles: [enters without the dog:] Well, crisis has passed. She just needed a little rest. Fortunately I remembered to bring her sleep mask. Martin gives Frasier a look but Frasier calms him. Martin: Worse, I'm afraid we're going to have bring in one of those dog psychiatrists. Frasier: Dad, you can't be serious? Martin: Well, I'm desperate, we've tried everything else. Niles: A dog psychiatrist? Frasier: Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism! Niles: You simply cannot apply the principals of human psychology to animal behaviour. Frasier: Precisely. Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human beings can reason. Niles: Yes. Frasier: They can cogitate. Niles: Yes. Therefore human beings, through analytical psychotherapy, can... MARTIN'S P.O.V. Now we see the world through Martin's eyes. Similar to Eddie but in colour: Niles and Frasier take nonsensical gibberish and all Martin can process is the word "dad." [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Radio Station. Frasier presses a button as we return to his radio show. Frasier: Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break. We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today. In order to help her through it I am relating a story from my own life. Any questions so far, Alice? Alice: [v.o:] Well, I was wondering, what happened to Roz and the gynecologist? Roz gives Frasier a stare. Roz: Well, since Frasier did tell the most embarrassing part of the story, something kinda funny did happen... CUT TO: Café Nervosa. Stephen Kagen and Roz are on their coffee date at the front table. Roz: [to Kagen:] Oh my God, you're kidding! You were at Camp Lakebridge too. What years were you there? Frasier: [v.o:] Roz! CUT TO: Radio Station. Frasier is interrupting the story. Frasier: Roz, we are trying to help this woman. We don't have time for your pointless tangents. [then:] Anyway, my father finally got his way and made his appointment for the dog psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire household be present for the first session. FLASHBACK TO: Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Martin are on the set. Martin: What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now! Frasier: Perhaps he's being detained by his fear of fetching group. Frasier and Niles laugh. Martin: [waves cane:] All right now, you two cut it out! The doorbell sounds and Martin answers it. Dr. Shaw is standing there who is old, bald and thus the stereotypical "straight and strict" man. Shaw: Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw. Martin: Hi Doc, Marty Crane. Come on in, please. This is Daphne Moon. Daphne: Hello. Martin: And my sons, Frasier and Niles. [they greet him] And this, of course, is the patient. Frasier: I don't suppose whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists. Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in the company of colleagues. Niles: I'm sorry, did you say "colleagues" or "Collies?" Niles and Frasier laugh, no one else does. Frasier: It's a joke. Shaw: [simple:] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin? [to Eddie:] Hello Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad. Frasier: Give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven! Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously. Frasier: I apologise, it all just seems a bit silly. Shaw: Oh, really? Silly? I'll have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons MacFahrlen whose owners felt the same way. Niles and Frasier begin laughing but Martin waves his stick at him again. They apologise and the doctor carries on. Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz- Martin: Oooh! Shaw: -I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if he were a human being. Frasier: Oh, boy! Daphne: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this is not a joke! This is very serious. Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve? Martin: I'd say meatloaf. But not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top. Niles: It might be a bit under done though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove! Daphne: [pause] Poached salmon. I don't know why! Shaw: Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be? Frasier: Well, I hope: Give me a breath mint! [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one. Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favourite cologne? Martin: Rock Revelver, it's a little strong but I think he can pull it off. Daphne: [pause] Grey Flannel. I don't know why! Frasier: Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water! Niles: By the way, same answer for favourite beverage! Niles and Frasier laugh and do a little high-five motion dance. Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie? Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say... [looks at the brothers] mission accomplished! Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me to examine Eddie one on one. Is there a room I can use? Martin: Oh yeah, my room, second on the right. Shaw: Eddie, after you. This may take a while. Eddie exits and the doctor follows. Then out of the blue: Daphne: If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George. I don't know why! [exits] Frasier: And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why! End Of Act One. (Time: 12:00) Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] HAPPY TALK Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin are hanging around waiting for Dr. Shaw and Eddie to come out of their session. Frasier: Okay, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in there for the past hour? Martin: Well, he's probably just talking to him. Eddie happens to be very complex and interesting. Frasier: Oh yes, you must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party. Niles: Well, be prepared, he'll be up and down checking on that meatloaf! Dr. Shaw and Eddie enter the room. Eddie sits back, depressed, in his same old spot on Martin's chair. Shaw: Well, I have my diagnosis. Frasier: Finally: the white smoke! Shaw: Eddie is indeed depressed. Now if, as you say, there has been no change in his routine, I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness. Is anyone of you suffering from depression? Frasier: Not me. Daphne: Well, I'm not depressed. Martin: Me, neither. Niles: [grins] I'm cheer personified. Shaw: Well, he's picking it up somewhere. To be on the safe side you should all be conscious of how you behave when you're in front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy, tones. [to Eddie:] Goodbye, Eddie. Call me in a few days, let me know how he's doing. Martin: [happy tone:] Okay, thanks for everything, doc! Shaw: Sorry to rush off, but I have a four ó clock appointment at the zoo. There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile. [then] See, I can joke too! Dr. Shaw exits and enters the lift as Roz quickly runs in. Roz: Hold it! Frasier: Oh my God, Roz, what's happened? Roz: I want to kill myself! Martin quickly changes the tone. Martin: [happily:] Hey Roz, not in front of Eddie! Roz: What? Daphne: [happily:] That gentleman that just left was a dog psychiatrist. Martin: [happily:] He said that it would be a good idea if we all had a happy tone around Eddie. Niles: [happily:] So please tell us, why do you want to kill yourself? Roz: [happily:] Well, I went out with Dr. Kagen and everything was going so great that I almost forgot what he was. Martin: [happily:] What is he? Frasier: [happily:] A gynecologist. Martin: [happily:] Oh, geez, I don't think I want to hear any more about this. Martin takes himself and Eddie out to his bedroom as everyone reverts to their normal tones. Frasier: All right, Roz, what happened? Roz: Well, we went upstairs to his apartment and he poured a glass of wine, and well... do you know what a speculum is? CUT TO: Radio Station. Frasier narrates the story. Frasier: Apparently he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment. Roz enters his booth and pours water all over him. Frasier: I just got the signal from Roz that we're running out of time. So, I'll skip ahead in our story. FLASHBACK TO: Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Niles is playing the piano as Frasier pours himself a sherry. Daphne is gazing out on the streets of Seattle. Roz is sat on the sofa and Martin is fetching a can of beer. Frasier: If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey! Who here has any reason to be unhappy? Daphne: Well, mind you I would never say this if it weren't for Eddie's sake, [to Niles:] but comparatively speaking: Dr. Crane, you have the most to be depressed about, what with your separation from Mrs. Crane and all. Niles: Wha..? I'm not unhappy. Besides, I don't even live here. Daphne: Please, you're here more than I am. Frasier: You know, I hate to say it, but dad, if anyone's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you. Martin: Me? Frasier: Yes. Martin: You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year. Not to mention two failed marriages. Frasier: And yet you did. Well, maybe I am not entirely happy. Why should I be? My son lives across the country, there's no woman in my life. Maybe it is I that is making Eddie sad? Daphne: Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame. If I give my life the once-over I realise it's not all jam. I just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years and the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no-one's even mentioned it. They all start to say how nice it is, but Daphne clears the comments away with her hands. Daphne: No, no. Niles: Daphne, maybe you were right earlier. I'm not so happy. Martin: Or maybe it's me. My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died. Roz: Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about? I mean, I know it has nothing to do with Eddie, but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me? Niles: He wouldn't be the first one... [then:] Oh, I'm too depressed! Frasier: How loosely woven is the fabric of our unhappiness... a tug or two and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are. Niles: And then there are the empty nights... accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death. Martin: You think about that too? I thought it was just me. Frasier: Everybody thinks about it. Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground? Frasier: No, that's just you. Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college. Daphne: You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing. That one day I'd go off my rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household and then kill myself. Silly old bag! She was right about my moving to Seattle, though. Martin: Well, I don't know how I wanna go, but all those years around the police morgue taught me a few things. First off, you don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison. And if you're going to kill yourself with an axe, get it right the first time! Frasier: Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when. Roz: One second we're alive as anyone else, and then what? Frasier: Darkness, nothingness, afterlife? Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me. [carried away:] Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln! Martin: Well, I don't know about you but this is depressing the hell out of me. Remember, my bell's coming up sooner than you guys! They all agree and Martin is a little unnerved. Niles: No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up. Roz: And it's never long enough. My great grandmother was 92 years old when she died and the last words to me from her deathbed were, "it's so short." Of course, it was the seventies, she could have been talking about my skirt. Frasier: "I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker." Niles: T.S Eliot. Frasier: Dead. Niles: "Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death." Frasier: Plato. Niles: Even deader. Frasier: You know, perhaps Doctor Shaw was right. Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression. Frasier reaches behind him and pulls out one of Eddie's chew dolls he was sitting on. He throws it on the floor. Frasier: Simple beast! It is here beneath the masks of happiness we all wear. As Frasier continues Eddie picks up the chew doll in his mouth and begins happily playing with it. They do not notice. Frasier: The sea that lurks below affected by our sorrows. The once care-free doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever. Martin notices the scene. Martin: Well, look at him, he's happy again. Could that have been all it was, he was missing his favourite doll? Frasier: I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all. He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he? Niles: Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie. I've never been so depressed. Roz: Tell me about it! Daphne: Yeah, I wish I was a dog. All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again. Frasier: I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne. We know for whom the bell tolls! They is a pause before suddenly a bell is heard. Everyone tries to process the sound. Martin: [apprehensive] Anybody else hear that? Daphne: Oh, the biscuits! Frasier: Daphne, by "biscuits" do you mean cookies? Daphne: Yeah, that's right! Martin: Smells good. Niles: Fresh from the oven... Roz: All nice and warm... Daphne: Yes, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping! Frasier: Oh, and I believe there's ice cream too! Everyone gleams with delight and skips off to the kitchen. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Radio Station. Frasier is finishing his story. Frasier: So Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends - treat yourself to your favourite toy, whatever that might be. Alice: I'll do that right now. Thank you, Dr. Crane, I really do feel better. Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie! He takes a cookie from a nearby bowl, and then presses a button to sign off before biting into it. However, he screams and drops it to the floor. Frasier: Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Now I've got to go to the dentist, he'll tell me I haven't flossed, my lips are going to get all fat - oh, my life sucks! He leaves with his briefcase. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:00) [SCENE_BREAK] Café Nervosa. A girl is sat talking to Dr. Kagen. He gets up to fetch her a drink. Whilst he's away Roz taps her on her shoulder and explains the doctor's little secret. The girl quickly gets up and leaves with Roz as Kagen comes back to an empty seat.	Plan: A: KACL; Q: Where is Frasier working? A: the aftermath; Q: What story does Frasier tell about Eddie's recent trip to the vet? A: flashback; Q: What type of story does the episode continue in? A: his appetite; Q: What has Eddie lost? A: The vet; Q: Who says Eddie is fine? A: Martin; Q: Who worries that Eddie may be depressed? A: a dog psychiatrist; Q: Who does Daphne suggest Eddie see? A: the chagrin; Q: How did Frasier and Niles feel about taking Eddie to a dog psychiatrist? A: the source; Q: Who did the family wonder about Eddie's depression? A: his favorite toy; Q: What was Eddie missing that caused him to be depressed? A: a parallel narrative; Q: What is the story about Roz dating a new tenant in Elliot Bay Towers interspersed with? Summary: During a slow day on his show at KACL, Frasier decides to tell a story about the aftermath of Eddie's recent trip to the vet. The episode then continues in flashback. Eddie is not himself: he has lost his appetite, he is not sleeping, and seems generally listless. The vet says he is physically fine, so Martin worries that he may be depressed, and Daphne suggests taking him to a dog psychiatrist, to the chagrin of Frasier and Niles. The diagnosis is that Eddie senses depression elsewhere in the family, so they are encouraged to act positively when around him. They all wonder who could be the source of Eddie's depression, but it turns out that Eddie was depressed because he was missing his favorite toy. The story is interspersed with a parallel narrative about Roz dating a new tenant in Elliot Bay Towers.
Erin: Oh. Hey, champions. Toby: Good morning. Clark: Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight. Erin: I did. I got some really good sleep. Clark: Did you? [pushes pencil cup at Erin] Erin: [grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls] Bzzz. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane], others relied on showmanship [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. [Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye] Toby: Ow! Ow! Pam: I didn't see you! You should have yelled "Crossing!" Toby: [crying] I'm sorry! Pam: Ok, so is that my spot? [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: We are now down to an elite eight. Well, seven and Toby. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Reading from script] Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid! Darryl: It does not say dangerous. And there's no exclamation point. Andy: Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Andy? Andy: Go away, we're running lines. Toby: You wanted to see the gooey eye. Andy: Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. [moves to lift Toby's eye patch] Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go. Toby: Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later. Andy: Yeah, Ok. [Closes door] Alright. Where were we? Darryl: Something full of acid. Andy: And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame. Darryl: [claps] That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here. Andy: W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that. Pam: Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So, we had couple's therapy. Jim: No shame in that. Get it all out in the open. Pam: And we have homework. Jim: Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly. Pam: And we're also supposed to speak our truths. Jim: Mmhm. Pam: Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy. Jim: Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do "opportunities." [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig. Pam: Hey! Andy: Yeah. Stanley: Who's Carla Fern? Andy: Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator. Oscar: Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you. Andy: Little raw. Not cool Oscar. Oscar: But you just! Andy: Not cool. Nellie: Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds. Robert: Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh? Dwight: I'm pumped! Erin: Clark's a dead man. Robert: Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. [holds up large check for $2,000] Angela: Oh my god! Group: Whoa. Angela: Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money. Nellie: Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget. Stanley: Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously. Nellie: Oh please. [Dwight watches Angela folding paper airplane] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine [camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying] for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens. [SCENE_BREAK] Phillip: [cries] Angela: Come here, come here. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it. And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm, I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I'm with Esther now. She's younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let's be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Oh, wide wings, interesting. Erin: Hey. Why don't you back off?[looks at Pete]...I mean best of luck to you in the competition. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids. For everything. Snacks, pillows, parents. I'm kinda worried about Pete seeing that side of me. I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head. Just for a handful of Crispix. [SCENE_BREAK] Carla Fern: Are you in that paper documentary too? Darryl: Yep. Carla Fern: Do you need an agent? Andy: No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage. Darryl: I was in The Whiz in high school. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says "action." Carla Fern: Hey, I made them get you a chair. All my clients sit. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman: Can I take your picture? Andy: I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it- Woman: We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off. Andy: Got it. [lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture] Woman: No, if you could just keep it down until.. Andy: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela. Kevin: Yes! Dwight: Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself? Kevin: Uh huh. Dwight: Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane. Kevin: Of course. Nellie: Kevin, did you make that yourself? Kevin: Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist. Nellie: Oh man. Dwight: I call for a refold! Kevin: No. Angela: Really? [to Dwight] Thank you. Kevin: This is flatter. Dwight: It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one. Kevin: I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder. Nellie: You have to choose one now. Kevin: Fine. [throws plane, doesn't fly] Nellie: Angela advances. Erin: Nice. Dwight: [clapping] Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadn't noticed. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: An Earl Grey tea for the lady. Pam: Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea. Jim: Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip. Pam: Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture. [SCENE_BREAK] Director: We are rolling and...action! Andy: [Happily] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death. Producer: Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much? Andy: Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job. Director: Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one. Andy: So how do you want, how should I do it? Director: I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok? Andy: [ridiculous news voice] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. Director: Ok. Andy: It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster. Director: Who was that? Andy: Tom Brokaw! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Come on Clark! Angela: Come on Clark. [Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther] Dwight: Whoa! Erin: Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink! Clark: We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil. Erin: [Snorts and grunts] I can't hear what you said. [snorting, grunting] You got your slop? [Squeals] Clark: You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won... Pete: Erin! Erin! Just stop. Erin: What? Pete: Relax. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration: You can do it baby! Angela: No you can't baby! [to Dwight, whispers] Good luck. Dwight: Watch and learn. Erin: Wow. Group: Oh! Nellie: Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals. Dwight: Yes! Angela: Whoo! Dwight: Oh, Esther. Esther: Hey. Dwight: What are you- [Esther kisses him] You're here early. Esther: Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow. Dwight: I like a little feather in my nuggets. [both laugh] Nellie: Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars. Erin: Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] Director: Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye. Andy: Which is insanely painful. Director: Yeah. Andy: And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain. Director: That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright? Andy: So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later? Director: What water special effect? Producer: Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs. Andy: I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I- Director: Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Darryl, what do I do? Darryl: Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope. Andy: They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene. Darryl: So? Andy: I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper. Production Assistant: So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes. Andy: Carla! Carla! [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela. Angela: [throws plane far] Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. [Toby crumples plane and steps aside. Nellie: Well, Angela is the winner. Angela: Yes! Esther: [to Dwight] Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman? Dwight: Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything. Esther: Oh. Is she a gambler? Dwight: In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song. Esther: Hmm. That is sad. [SCENE_BREAK] Carla Fern: [grabs Andy by the cheeks] Andy! If you don't stick your eyes in that machine, I'm going to call every production in North Eastern Pennsylvania. You won't even make an appearance on a security camera! [Andy starts to cry] Producer: What's the hold up here? Director: The actor's crying. Producer: Oh god. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't. Darryl: Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One. Andy: Do you believe in me? Darryl: I believe I want to go home. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [throws plane far] Yeah! Ok! Beat that! [Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs] Whoo! Ok. Erin: Dammit! Dammit, god. [To Pete] Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I'm really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels. Pete: Yeah. [Erin kicks box] Whoa! Erin: Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win! Pete: Ok [tries to help her] Hey hey hey, whoa. Erin: Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting. Jim: Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar. Pam: I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar. Jim: Thank you. Your mom is a treasure. Pam: Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- [Jim's phone rings, he answers] Jim: Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good. Pam: Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. [Jim hangs up phone] I appreciate the sacrifice. Jim: Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair. Pam: Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth? Jim: I guess I will swallow my truth. Clark: Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds. Pam: We're not high. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: The Mark 47 is ready for launch. [throws plane but it sticks to his hand] Less paste. [SCENE_BREAK] Director: Here we go. Rolling and... action! Andy: [doing eyewash] AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!! Director: And cut. We can fix the sound in post. Producer: Yeah. Andy: I can do a better one. Producer: That's fine, we'll move on. Andy: I said I can do a better one. Darryl... Darryl: Action! Andy: [eyewashes again] AHH! AHH! AHH! Carla Fern: Kid can act! Andy: Yeah! Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes. Dwight: After you. Angela: Thank you. [plane loops up and falls at her feet] Oh god! Nellie: Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight. Dwight: [fake throws and drops plane] Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. [Angela smiles] Esther: We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. [Angela looks disgusted] Dwight: Alright. Angela: Don't you dare tank this. [Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane] Nellie: And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over. Creed: Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me. Angela: [To Esther] Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I don't need pity and I don't need charity. I have my dignity and that's enough. And as long as I have that, I'll be ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Ok? Pam: Ok. [intense moment where Jim leaves and Pam seems conflicted. She notices his umbrella and runs out to follow him] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Jim! [hands him umbrella] Jim: Thanks. Pam: Alright, have a good trip. Jim: Bye. Pam: Bye. [walks away] Jim: Hey! [Runs after her and looks into her eyes] I... [hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back] [SCENE_BREAK] Pastor: [Flashback to Jim & Pam's wedding] Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. [Pam hugs Jim back finally] And now these three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [Pam kisses Jim] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I love you. Jim: I love you.	Plan: A: Angela; Q: Who does Dwight compete against in a paper airplane contest? A: a paper airplane contest; Q: What do Dwight and Angela participate in? A: Andy; Q: Who prepares for a potential acting job? A: new skills; Q: What did Jim and Pam learn in couples counseling? A: Roseanne Barr guest stars; Q: Who is in this episode? Summary: Dwight and Angela participate in a paper airplane contest and compete against each other. Meanwhile, Andy prepares for a potential acting job, and Jim and Pam utilize new skills that they learned in couples counseling. Roseanne Barr guest stars in this episode as well.
Opening scene - We see the outside of the Cohen house at night. we hear Kirsten's voice but we can't see her yet Kirsten: (off screen) i'd like to place an order for a delivery...can I get the crispy noodles with shrimp (on screen) and the calamari salad Sandy: (in the background) (points) get the Vietnamese rolls (Kirsten turns to face him, nods) an the chicken-the chicken (points) with the spicy curry Kirsten: just wanna? add uh Vietnamese rolls and chicken with spicy curry (Ryan and Seth walk into the kitchen from the backyard) Sandy: you guys want somethin from Typhoon Ryan: uuuh yeah some pad tai please Seth: yeah mom (Kirsten looks) mom (points) will you order a couple gallons of the tom young soup? and then the salmon with the chili lime sauce...an dumplings Kirsten: ok ah could we get some (recalling) pad tai, some tom young soup (Sandy mouths salmon) salmon with the chili lime sauce (Ryan sits up on the kitchen counter) Seth: (to Kirsten) dumplings Kirsten: oh and uh (Seth points at her) the steamed dumplings, yeah...great (hangs up) we have ordered enough for a small army (Seth has a big cheesy grin on his face and raises his eyebrows) Sandy: I got an idea (to Seth & Ryan) why don't you two invite your female cohorts over Ryan: Lindsay's with her mom, family therapy intuitry? faux retrospective Sandy: oooh, that's a hell of a double header (to Seth) well what about Alex (Seth looks at Sandy) CUT TO: The bait shop - Alex is stapling flyers to the wall, hard. Seth walks up to her Seth: howdy Alex: (looks up) uh w (looks around) what're you doing here Seth: ok, that's not the...warmest greeting i've ever received but I will take it Alex: (staples more) (looks down) uh I didn't (looks at Seth) expect to see you here...right now, i'm kind of busy Seth: I wanted to invite you to have (raises eyebrows) dinner, with the family Alex: (looks away) uh-hm ah I don't think it's a good idea (staples hard, Seth jumps) (looks at Seth) my ex is in town (Seth has his mouth open in shock) (closes her eyes) actually...in my office (Seth looks away) waiting for me (we see a shot of Alex's office door) Seth: oooh...ex (nods) well part of the ABC's of the eX is to...step aside for the I an the U (smiles at Alex) Alex: but the eX isn't technically an ex (Seth looks at her) (avoids eye contact) we never...really...broke up...officially- its part of what we need to figure out (Seth is shocked) but um (happy) I really do wanna come have dinner with your family so...maybe we can do it after the ex leaves Seth: ok so the ex is leaving, when later tonight (Alex looks at him then walks passed) stayin the night that's cool...stayin the week Alex: (puts her hands out) I don't know, um I didn't know this was gonna happen an now it has an now I have'ta deal with it so it would be great if you could just uh-hm let me figure it out Seth: just in other words, stay away while the ex is in town Alex: unless you're cool with the three of us hanging out Seth: (not happy) (nods) ok well i'm gonna have'ta get back to ya (shrugs) on that (Seth walks out of the Bait Shop and walks onto the road, he stops a second then continues walking - back inside the Bait Shop Alex looks upset, a girl comes up behind her and puts her hands around her waist) Jody: I like the new club (Alex nods and looks down, not saying anything. Jody pushes Alex's hair behind her ear) Jody: you ready to get outta here Alex: (nods) mm-hmm in a minute (Jody runs her hand down Alex's hair, then turns Alex's head towards her and kisses her on the cheek, she walks away. Alex stands there looking very lost/confused) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Harbor school the next morning - Ryan, Seth and Lindsay are walking together, outside Seth: so what if Alex has an ex Ryan: most people do Seth: that's right, he's probably just some...meat head thug with...her name tattooed on his bicep Lindsay: (laughs) well no threat to you Seth: unless (Ryan and Lindsay look at him) he's a thug with a heart...he's done his time (points) eighteen months for robbery, he was wrong he understands that...he's mature, he's sensitive (screws up his face) ...seasoned Ryan: so you're not ok Seth: (frowns) not at all Ryan... not at all (walks away) Lindsay: he's spiraling huh Ryan: Seth, he hasn't even begun (Marissa walks over to them) Ryan: hey Lindsay: hi Marissa: hi guys Lindsay: (noticing Marissa's outfit) wow Marissa that's...an amazing skirt an (points) I-I love your shoes Marissa: (smiles) thanks, I really like your (Lindsay looks at her) your backpack (Ryan looks from Marissa to Lindsay. Lindsay looks at her backpack) Marissa: uh-hm where is it from Lindsay: oh um...LL bean? (nervous smile) Marissa: (nods uncomfortably) uh well (starts walking away) i'm late for class but maybe this weekend we can all hang (Ryan and Lindsay turn to face her) see a movie or (shrugs) go to Balboa island Ryan: yeah sounds good (Marissa nods then walks away. Lindsay watches her) Lindsay: wow, everyday she looks like she could be on the cover of a fashion magazine (they are now walking up the stairs) Ryan: yeah? huh, I guess Lindsay: good thing i'm not competitive Ryan: (clueless) what're you talking about Lindsay: nothing its jus, y'know you said it everyone has an ex an...you seem to hang out with yours alot (looks at Ryan) Ryan: we do Lindsay: mm-hmm (nods) you do, like constantly Ryan: well maybe you two should become friends (Lindsay raises her eyebrows) we can all hang out and it wouldn't be weird Lindsay: (laughs) yeah me an the Cosmo girl (Ryan smiles/nods) (shakes her head) yeah that wouldn't be weird at all CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy is sitting at the end of the bed putting his shoes on, Kirsten climbs onto the bed and gets behind Sandy, she massages his shoulders Sandy: aaah a massage, wow, you mus really need somethin Kirsten: (with her head near Sandy's ear) favour...tiny (stops massaging and sits next to Sandy) Sandy: well ask me while your givin me the massage, i'm much more inclined to say yes (Kirsten turns on the side, and Sandy turns so he's sitting in front of her, Kirsten massages his shoulders again) Kirsten: it's about work...as you know the Newport groups reputation is pretty much in the toilet Sandy: (nods) well deserved Kirsten: mm, an the board wants us ta come up with a plan to improve the company's image...an I figured who better ta ask then you, the man who practically invented hating the Newport group Sandy: well you know, I-I was doin it long before it was trendy Kirsten: yeah, so any ideas Sandy: yes, as a matter of fac- this is perfect (gets up) Kirsten: perfects good Sandy: I jus got a call to start working with the Newport housing initiative, they wanna put up low income housing downtown an I was (puts his hands out) gonna petition the city council (puts his jacket on) Kirsten: (realises) but the Newport group could come up with the money Sandy: exactly, the housing board gets a development Kirsten: an the company could do something good for a change (Sandy nods) honey that's perfect, you've earnt more then a massage (gets up) Sandy: where I come from tha- (Kirsten puts her arms around his neck) (smiles) that only means one thing Kirsten: mmm (they kiss) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is in the student lounge trying to read a book, I think it's in a different language. Zach comes up behind her carrying a fancy silver container with a blue bow on top Summer: (frowns) www uh (Zach comes up behind Summer and covers her eyes with one hand, he puts the silver container down with the other) Zach: hey (Summer touches Zach's hand) I have a suprise for you Summer: (smiles) I love suprises (Zach takes the top of the container, and inside on a little plate thing is a cup cake with a 1 candle sticking out, the cupcake has fluro pink icing) Summer: especially when there named Jimmy Chu? (Zach lights the candle on the cupcake) Summer: am I about to get whacked (Zach gently lifts the cupcake up and holds it near Summer, he has uncovered her eyes) Zach: here (smiles) Summer: hey a cupcake (takes it) doesn't have ? but ill eat it anyway, you know it's not my birthday (blows out the candle) Zach: yes (Summer licks the icing off the candle) an I also know it's our six month anniversary Summer: (looks at Zach) oh my god it is...god its ben six months, holy mack Zach: (nods) I know its amazing, i've never ben in a relationship this long (smiles) Summer: (frowns) neither have I Zach: well I think we should celebrate, I would like to take you...to a romantic anniversary dinner at the Arches, what'do you say (Summer kind of smiles, but she doesn't say anything) CUT TO: Summer and Marissa walking outside together Marissa: so wha'd you say Summer: oh you know that i'm fasting for an upcoming colonoscopy Marissa: hm, i'm sure that was just the answer he was looking for Summer: hm yes, look Zach is so unbelievably great, but six months, I didn't know id even date Cohen that long, when did we get so old, when did life get so complicated (they are now walking up the stairs) Marissa: I know...(reminiscent) remember when we were little (Summer looks at her) and it was just you an me an all boys had cooties (smiles) Summer: yeeeeah, we would have sleep overs an watch Full House an Step By Step Marissa: oh my god, I loved Full House, but then my favourite character was named DJ so I guess that's ruined Summer: noooo, look forget DJ, forget Cohen an Zach an Ryan, you know what we need a break from the boys Marissa: what you mean like a...girls night out Summer: I do indeed, you tellin me you couldn't use a night without boys Marissa: well Full House is on Nick at nite Summer: (smiles) reeeaaaallllyyy CUT TO: Julie's office - Julie is on the phone, and Kirsten peeks in the door Julie: (on the phone) thanks, bye (hangs up) Kirsten: (walks in) sooooo, great news (sits) Sandy has an aaaammazing idea to kick start an image make over for the company Julie: I have better news, I have a better idea then him Kirsten: you haven't heard his yet... Julie: it would be hard for Sandy's idea to top the best idea ever, (excited) you ready Kirsten: probably not, no (Julie gets up from her desk and pulls off a sheet that was covering something, the something it was covering is huge poster looking thing, of Julies face, with the words Newport Living. Julie puts her hands out to Kirsten as if to say 'well') Kirsten: (stunned) oh my (looks) there's so much you here Julie: (smiles) a magazine Kirsten, about Newport life, restaurants, events, gossip. selling Newport beach as an aspirational brand Kirsten: (still stunned) uh well...Sandy's idea which is in a different direction, involves funding a low income housing development Julie: huh, that's kind'a cute...uh-hm I guess but Kiki we're trying to appeal to the Newport elite, we need to think about who these people are...bored rich gossip mongers who like ta shop, there me an I don't care about low income housing Kirsten: ...you have a point (nods) (Kirsten looks back at the poster, Julie looks at it, excited) CUT TO: Ryan and Lindsay walking to the lunch tables Ryan: alright this as far as I go Lindsay: thanks for walking me, have fun at your emergency comic book meeting Ryan: why do I get the feeling Seth wont be talking about comics (Lindsay laughs and shrugs) yeah, you ok Lindsay: yeah sure, I like eating alone Ryan: ohp (points) you know who you could sit with (we see Summer and Marissa walking to a table together a little away from Ryan and Lindsay. they have fast food bags) Lindsay: uh no that's ok, really Ryan: ah come on, sooner you get to know her sooner she'll stop bein my ex an become your friend (starts walking over to them) Lindsay: Ryan don't ok please, i'm sure they don't even eat Ryan: hey Marissa: hey Summer: hey Ryan: uh you guys mind if Lindsay joins you, I gotta meet Seth (Marissa looks at Ryan, then Lindsay) Summer: uh no, emergency comic book meeting, Zach was summoned too Ryan: (nods) so you heard Summer: hm Marisa: (shrugs) have a seat Lindsay Summer: yeah Ryan: great, thanks you guys, see ya (Lindsay reluctantly sits across from Marissa and Summer. Ryan leaves) Marissa: (eating a burger) mm this is so good, great idea hitting the drive thru for lunch Lindsay: it'll probably be hours on the elliptical trainer (laughs) working those off huh (Marissa looks at Lindsay like she doesn't follow, then at Summer) Summer: (eating fries) Coop exercising, now that's funny Marissa: ha ha ha Lindsay: so you guys can just...eat cheeseburgers an...look like you Summer: well sometimes we get chili fries too Marissa: why, what're you eating Lindsay: oh um it's a...zone meal its low carb Summer: (nods) hm Marissa: oh (points) so we were just in the middle of planning our girl's night out for this weekend, d'you wanna join us Lindsay: (looks up) me (Summer nods, eating) Marissa: what'do you say (smiles) Lindsay: (smiles) ...ok, uh sure CUT TO: Seth's emergency comic book meeting in the student lounge - Seth is sitting backwards on a chair, in front of 3 geeky looking guys and Zach. Ryan isn't there yet Seth: so break it down for me guys, an don't be afraid to be honest Geek1: well what you shoulda done is tell her, take all the space you need, I know this must be hard (Seth raises his eyebrows) boom, your a hero Geek2: you'll look confident, but like you still care Seth: yeah that is so the way I shoulda played it Philip: when do we discuss the new Avengers Seth: ok Philip, your membership has ben revoked, now your not there for me, i'm not there for you, beat it (Philip looks hurt) Zach: Philip he doesn't mean it he's just upset Seth: now you two I don't care if your still in Junior high, I think your onta somethin an I like it (stands) you know what, i'm gonna give her a call, tell her i'm givin her some space (Geek 1 gives Seth the thumbs up) Zach: no, no (gets up) Seth dude don't do that CUTR TO: Ryan walking to the meeting - as Ryan goes to walk into the building Seth walks out ringing Alex, Zach is behind him Ryan: (to Zach) what's happening Zach: he's calling her Ryan: what! (runs to Seth) whoa, whoa whoa give me that give me that (tries to grab the phone) Seth: no its going to voice mail, leaving a message Ryan: no, you are not (hangs up) Seth: gees man, fine whatever forget calling her anyways i'm gonna go down there Ryan: no Seth: yeah I am, if i'm gonna lose her I deserve to see the guy i'm losing her to Ryan: you are not going down there Seth: yeah, I have to ok my pay cheques dow- yes, yes, that's perfect, she owes me thirty eight dollars I have'ta go down there, ok how am I spose'ta live without that money...mans gotta eat Ryan: what if I go down there Seth: an I come with you, ok Ryan: look, ill go down there ill say i'm pickin up your pay cheque, sniff around for the ex Seth: (considers this) ok, check him out, report back to me maybe snap a few photos Ryan: sure, what'do you say (Zach comes up behind them) Seth: alright (to Zach) hey Zach: listen Seth you gotta apologise to Philip man he took that really hard (points) (Philip walks passed them) Seth: Philip, he's always ben the weak one (to Philip) hey Philip come on man, i'm sorry what happened back there, heat'a passion you know how it is, i'm sorry sometimes Bruce Banna turns inta the hulk CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten is sitting at the kitchen table working, the mock up of Julie's magazine is spread out on the table as well. Sandy comes in Sandy: hey I talked to the guys over at the housing initiative (Kirsten looks worried) they are on cloud nine over there Kirsten: (gets up) oh...good Sandy: there gonna draw up a proposal for you to bring to work (sees the mock up) ok honey (Kirsten looks at him) I don't wanna alarm ya...but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table Kirsten: its Julies idea for an image make-over, a magazine Sandy: i'm assumin you nipped this one in the bud Kirsten: well...she did her homework (Sandy looks at her) ran the numbers (looks at Sandy) the proposal wasn't bad Sandy: you're not actually considering this are you Kirsten: well there's alot of ideas on the table Sandy (nods) Sandy: well when you shoot down hers be sure to toss this will ya, I-its givin me the willies, ok CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Ryan comes down the stairs, looks around then walks over to the bar Ryan: hey, hi i'm here to pick up a pay cheque, names Cohen Jody: (smiles) so you mus be Alex's new guy...the famous Seth Cohen Ryan: nooo...i'm his friend Ryan i'm jus...doin him a favour Jody: oh... (disappointed) I really wanted to meet this Seth Ryan: yeah Jody: (nods) i'm Jody (holds her hand out) Ryan: (shakes her hand) (looks down) ...(realises) you're the ex CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - we see inside, from through the door. Seth walks passed pacing, then the camera changes to inside and Ryan is reading at the counter Seth: so ya didn't see anything at the club...I mean there were no shady guys hanging around Alex's office Ryan: definitely...didn't see any guys (looks up) uh are we meeting Zach here or...at the comic book store (looks back down) Seth: here, now you must'a seen someone, tell me this, who gave ya the cheque, tell me everything that happened (Ryan turns to face him) infact better yet reenact it word for word, go Ryan: (has a worried look on his face, then looks to the door, relieved) Zach (smiles, goes over to him) (over enthusiastic) hey, how are you (shakes Zach's hand) so good ta see ya, how are ya Zach: good (nods) i'm good (Zach looks at Seth) i'm terrible actually, uh uh I think I freaked Summer out (Seth raises his eyebrows) I don't know uh she bailed on our date an n-now she's doin some girls night out thing at the Bait Shop (Seth looks as though he's thinking) she's not returnin any'a my phone calls, I don't know (shrugs) maybe some new comics will ease the pain Seth: (points) I feel that pain, so why don't we go down to the Bait Shop tonight an give the girls a little talking to (raises his eyebrows) Ryan: (looks at Seth) or we could forget about the girls (looks at Zach) y'know do our own thing (nods) have a guy's night out (smiles) (Zach looks at Seth, Seth looks at Ryan) Seth: I like my plan (points) where we go to the Bait Shop Ryan: oh come on we've spent every night with the girls, let's try one night without them Zach: could be kinda fun Ryan: (points to Zach) aaayy (to Seth) eh? Seth: (thinks) (nods) could be jus what I need (dramatic) a reinvestment in my man hood, a time out to reflect on what it means ta be a man (Ryan's smile goes, and he looks worried) Ryan: Seth Seth: yeah i'm in CUT TO: Cohen front door - Sandy opens the door and Caleb is standing there Caleb: Sanford, Kirsten here Sandy: uhhhh (shakes his head) Caleb: (walks in) I was hopin ta have a bit of a chat with you both, it's about this ungodly magazine of Julies, you heard about it (they are now in Sandy's office) Sandy: heard about it, I got an eighty foot mock up in my kitchen (points) (frowns) it's gonna haunt me in my sleep Caleb: well I don't intend to let this thing go ahead...if Julie launches this magazine she'll embarrass herself, the company, the family Sandy: (smiles) so how you gonna break it to her Caleb: the woman's a warrior Sanford, i'm not facing her alone (raises his eyebrows) Sandy: oh so that's where we come in Caleb: the three of us form a united front, tell Julie that the magazine is a terrible idea that she'll regret it, what'do you say Sandy: (laughs) how about that I actually agree with ya CUT TO: Ryan and Lindsay in the car - Ryan is driving, its now night. Ryan: relax, your gonna have fun Lindsay: yeah definitely, I mean not only am I spending the night with Marissa, but ill get to see my dad...who barely acknowledges me Ryan: nope he's gonna be out at dinner, I checked with Marissa Lindsay: (looks at Ryan) ...so when did you...guys meet, I mean how'd you start going out in the first place Ryan: (smiles) me an Marissa, come on Lindsay: what, I mean we're you guy's lab partners...fire drill buddies Ryan: (smiles) noooo, no (Lindsay laughs) uhhh (thinking back) ...actually it was my first night in Newport...I was uh...I was sittin in Sandy's car...waitin to see if Kirsten would even let me in the house (Lindsay is looking at Ryan, listening) aaaand walked down to the end'a the driveway an...there she was (thoughtful pause) we started talking an {at this point on the windscreen, next to Ryan's head we can barely see footage from that night. Marissa and Ryan are standing together, it's easy to miss but the glow from the cigarette is noticeable} I don't know we just um...connected (scene disappears) (Lindsay is still looking at Ryan) she wasn't like anybody id ever met before (Lindsay looks away, half smiles) (looks at Lindsay) ...until you Lindsay: right (they pull up outside Caleb's house. Marissa opens the front door, and nods at them. Lindsay un does her seatbelt) Ryan: have fun (Lindsay gets out of the car and walks towards Marissa) Ryan: (puts the window down and yells to Marissa) hey, do me a favour an take care of her tonight alright Lindsay: ok...Ryan i'm not eight Marissa: (to Ryan) I promise ill take care of her dad (smiles) or ill try anyway (Ryan waves bye, Lindsay waves back and Marissa motions for her to go in. Marissa looks out at Ryan before shutting the door, Ryan looks worried) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa and Lindsay walk in Lindsay: uh please don't feel like you have'ta baby sit me Marissa: oh no, that's just Ryan (shuts the door) he gets very protective, you'll see (Marissa looks at Lindsay, Lindsay raises her eyebrows. they are both awkward with each other) Marissa: uh so Summer should be here any second (sits at her dressing table) Lindsay: (nods) cool...uh so this is...where you live (Marissa nods) I mean...of course it is I mean its-its really nice (nervous laugh) Marissa: (smiles) thanks (Lindsay points at the bed) yeah, sit (Lindsay sits on the bed, she looks at Marissa then away, Marissa looks at Lindsay then away. both are clearly uncomfortable. Lindsay fixes her hair then sort of looks around the room) Marissa: hey you know what (Lindsay looks at her) um (pulls out a flask) how bout an ice breaker (smiles) Lindsay: oh uh (nervous laugh) (Marissa realises) I dont-i don't really Marissa: sorry um... that's totally cool Lindsay: (worried) oh not that I-I judge...anyone who does, its jus not something i do- Marissa: don't worry about it Lindsay: ok (Marissa puts the flask back in her drawer. they sit there uncomfortably again. Lindsay looks at Marissa and Marissa smiles. door bell) Marissa: (relieved) that (stands) mus be Summer so ill jus go grab the door you know, hang out an make yourself comfortable (Marissa leaves. Lindsay notices photos Marissa has sitting on a ledge. there are 5 framed photos and we can see some are of Ryan and Marissa. she walks over to them to take a closer look. the first photo is of their heads. their foreheads are touching and both of them look really happy, the next one is of them looking into each others eyes, the Ferris wheel is in the background. the third one looks to be some sort of party, both of them are dressed up, and they are standing next to each other looking at the camera. Lindsay touches this one then slides her hand back to the photo before and picks it up. she closes her eyes) Lindsay: what am I doing here... CUT TO: Cohen house - Zach and Seth are standing near the kitchen Seth: ok it is o seven hundred hours (rubs his hands together) let the record show that guys night out...has officially begun (uses his hand for emphasis) Zach: ok Seth uh o seven hundred means it's seven am Seth: ...ok nobody cares that you were an ROTC? now listen'ta me, tonight Newport is our bitch ok so let's go out there an lets do what guys do (Ryan comes over) Ryan: (manly) yeah Seth: Ryan what do guys - do Ryan: (smile disappears) uh we could head up to LA you know (Seth looks at Zach) hit a club (Zach looks at Ryan) go to Vegas, road trip to Tijuana Seth: ok that didn't work out so well last time...but these are good shapes of ideas (Seth looks as though he's thinking, Zach frowns thinking, Seth looks at them both. Ryan looks as though he's thinking) Ryan: (points at Seth) you wanna stay home an play video games don't you Seth: (makes a praying motion) so bad Zach: yeah this Summer things got me tied in knots man I vote we stay in Ryan: no, we should get you outta the house, it'll take your mind off things Seth: (points) or, or, we could let the fun come to us ok we have everything we need here for a perfect night ok (Ryan frowns) we've got a working television, a bevy of comic books (Zach looks at Seth) lamps...right, ok that's all ya need for a rollicking good time so my proposal is guys night in (Seth and Zach both look at Ryan, hopeful) Ryan: guy's night in (half smiles) (Seth claps his hands) CUT TO: The Bait Shop/Girls night out - Marissa, Summer and Lindsay walk into the lounge area Summer: so here we are, just us Marissa: right (Lindsay and Summer sit on the long lounge and Marissa sits across from them on an single chair. Marissa smiles at them both, Summer and Lindsay smile back) Marissa: this is so much fun (Lindsay nods/smiles and looks at Summer, Summer smiles) Lindsay: so...what happens now (Marissa looks at Summer) Summer: well we could walk by the bar, see if anyone checks us out Marissa: hello, no boys tonight that's the whole point Summer: ok well we can at least talk about them right, lets face it without that we got nothin...so boy talk, who wants to start (Marissa and Lindsay look at each other, Lindsay looks down, Marissa looks away. Summer looks at Marissa then Lindsay) Lindsay: (to Marissa) you know um (Marissa looks up) i'm rethinking...the whole sobriety thing (Summer looks at Marissa) Marissa: you read my mind (Marissa takes her flask out, Summer rolls her eyes. Marissa takes a drink then passes it to Lindsay. Lindsay sighs, toasts then takes a drink. Lindsay swallows and then coughs) Marissa: ooh (Lindsay coughs more) (frowns) maybe some tonic an...lots of ice would help (goes to the bar) Summer: (pats Lindsay on the back) are you ok, burns you a little? Lindsay: uh yeah (Summer takes the flask) (we now see the bar. Alex is working and Jody is talking to her. its more like a fight actually) Jody: do what you want if you need ta call him so bad (Jody moves in front of Alex and we see Marissa is standing behind them) Alex: what, look I had no idea that you were gonna show up out of nowhere an I didn't have any chance ta tell him anything about us (Marissa is listening in) Jody: why, are you embarrassed about us Marissa: sorry to interrupt (Alex turns around) but uh there's no paper towels (raises her eyebrows) in the girls bathroom Alex: uh...i'm all over it (Alex looks at Jody then walks away. Marissa looks at Jody then walks away to. we see Marissa and Alex walking together now) Alex: thanks, that was a conversation I did not wanna have Marissa: yeah I know all about those, I have em with my mom all the time CUT TO: Cohen living room - Ryan is lying on the couch, Seth and Zach are sitting in beanbags in front of the TV Seth: I mean the nerve of Alex, she has a secret boyfriend the whole time (Ryan is bored, he's balancing the TV remote on his nose) and she jus never gets around ta telling me Zach: I know man, all I wanted was ta celebrate our six month anniversary an Summer heads for the hills Seth: you an Summer have ben going out for six months Ryan: (eyes closed) this is so not how I imagined our guy's night out Seth: I say we go to the club an we put up a fight Ryan: (points) no, bad idea Zach: (looks at Ryan) why, our girlfriends bailed on us to go drinking at a club (Seth points at Zach, then looks at Ryan) have you seen the infomercials for girls gone wild cause this is exactly how they begin Seth: (gets up) he's right i'm goin Zach: (gets up) me too Ryan: (jumps up) no Seth, i'm tellin you as your friend don't do this (Seth looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at Seth) Seth: (points) you know something don't you Ryan: no, no I don't, don't ask me (walks away) Seth: (follows) dude (dramatic) I am a man in the desert, i'm dyin of thirst you have a thermos full'a cool aide, come on give me a sip did you meet the ex, I know ya did Ryan: (gives in) alright, yes I did Seth: and who is he Ryan: he (eyes wide) (Seth looks at Ryan as if to say 'well') he's a she Seth: ...what CUT TO: The Bait Shop - we see the Thrills performing on stage for a bit, then we see Lindsay sculling her drink Marissa: (tipsy) who needs a little more Summer: (also tipsy) somebody's gotta drive (Lindsay holds her cup out to Marissa, Marissa pours drink from the flask) Lindsay: (more tipsy then the other two) noooot me (Marissa smiles/laughs) Summer: why don't I go track down some coffee (Summer gets up and Marissa hits her on the bum, then Summer leaves. Marissa and Lindsay look at each other, they seem more comfortable now. Marissa smiles) Lindsay: you're not scary Marissa: uh...thanks...I think Lindsay: no I mean like before you were like (makes claws) scary, not like like boogie man scary, y'know but- Marissa: Lindsay...you've got nothing to worry about...Ryan really likes you Lindsay: (sits forward) yeah, can a guy ever get over a girl like you (Marissa looks away - we now see Summer at the bar getting a cup of coffee. a guy is watching her, when she walks away he follows) Matt: Summer right (Summer looks at him) uh we're in the same comp lit class together Summer: right...i'm sorry i'm usually asleep Matt: oh Matt Miller (holds hand out, Summer shakes it) so where's uh where's Zach (looks around) Summer: (raises her eyebrows) I...don't know, it's a...girls night out (frowns) you know about me an Zach Matt: oh we're on the water polo team together, Happy Anniversary Summer: ...you know about our anniversary (frowns) Zach: well yeah, he brought it up in the locker room, six months is big, we were all talkin about it Summer: (nods) Zach's turning the locker room into a life time movie Matt: (laughs) the water polo team is very sensitive (Summer frowns) its tough to see from here Summer: yeah uh, always tough to see from here Matt: you wanna try upstairs Summer: yeah uh (puts her hands out) sure why not, haven't scoped it out yet CUT TO: Ryan, Zach and Seth in the car driving - Seth is driving, Ryan is on the left and Zach is in the back Ryan: so Alex hooked up with a girl, it's not a big deal Seth Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend dated a girl it's a very big deal, there's only one thing I can do to make it ok Zach: (frowns) your gonna hook up with a guy (Seth and Ryan both look weirded out) Seth: (frowns) I repeat, there's only one thing I can do to make it ok, I need to see this girl...cause right now my imaginations just...running wild Zach: (smiles) dude, so's mine (to Ryan) she's hot right (Ryan doesn't know what to say) Seth: listen I know i'm suppose'ta be attracted, ok, an i'm spose'ta be turned on i've read Maxim, i've read Stuff but you know what, all its making me feel like is Alex is even more outta my league Ryan: maybe you jus wait to talk to her till you calm down a little bit Seth: nope, got alotta testosterone pumpin right now Ryan, testosterone bein (points) the key ingredient missing from Alex's previous relationship, I jus need'a remind her of that (honks the horn) (yells) come on Ryan: ...this should go well (Seth hits the horn frustrated) CUT TO: Al something. it's a restaurant - Kirsten, Sandy, Caleb and Julie are sitting at a table together Julie: (off screen) but you have to think big picture because this (on screen) magazine could go national, why wouldn't America be fascinated with the lives an loves of Orange County's rich an fabulous...we're all beautiful an we're all dysfunctional, surf s*x an scandal, its a recipe for a cultural phenomenon don't you think Cal Caleb: well I would rather hear what uh Sandy an Kirsten have'ta say Kirsten: lets-lets not talk about work anymore Sandy: Kirsten, why don't we put her out of her misery (Kirsten looks at Caleb, Caleb looks at Kirsten. Julie looks at all of them) Sandy: Julie, it's a lousy idea Julie: (looks at Caleb) thanks for rushing to my defense Cal really very touching Caleb: uh it's uh...my job to remain impartial, objective Julie: an cowardly, fine ill jus sit here an get insulted by a man so ignorant about business he chose as a career to work for free Sandy: (confused) I-I I don't work - that's pro bono work Julie, why am I defending myself. if you want a business perspective ask Kirsten Julie: I did, she called Newport Living jus the thing to keep the Newport Group living (smiles at Kirsten) Sandy: she said that (looks at Kirsten) Kirsten: uh I-I wasn't that...poetic (Caleb looks down, Sandy looks away from Kirsten, in disbelief) oh honey I-I I did some research (Sandy looks at Kirsten) this has promise i'm so sorry it had to come out this way Sandy: no (looks away) its my fault (Kirsten looks at him, she feels bad) i've once again let myself get caught up in the middle of this nasty game of hungry hungry hippos well this time i'm out (Kirsten closes her eyes) your all on your own (stands) waiter he'll take the cheque (points to Caleb) (Caleb looks at Julie, Julie looks at Caleb clearly unhappy) CUT TO: Outside the Bait Shop - Zach, Ryan and Seth walk up to the entrance Seth: kay i'm gonna check the bar Zach: i'll look upstairs Ryan: Seth, we can still turn around Seth: (points) yeah that's a good idea Ryan Ryan: yeah Seth: (points) you take the lounge (Seth walks in, Zach follows. Ryan stands there - inside the Bait Shop the Thrills are still performing on stage. the next thing we see is the bar, Alex is still working and Seth goes over to her) Seth: hey (Alex looks over) so where is she (looks around) cause I will totally fight a girl Alex: I have a job, which i'm busy doing so if you came down here for some big dramatic confrontation, its gonna have'ta wait (walks away) Seth: fine, I will wait (we see more of the band on stage. then we see Summer and Matt standing together up the top) Summer: I don't know what my problem is I jus get so...claustrophobic Matt: sounds to me like maybe you don't want a boyfriend Summer: oh if he is not right for me then nobody is (we see Zach coming up the stairs, he looks over and sees Summer and Matt, Summer walks over to him) Summer: Zach, what're you doing here, I thought tonight was the night for the girls, without the boys Zach: it doesn't look like it, what are you doing here with Matt Miller that guy'll hit on anything that move Summer: oh thanks for the news flash O'Reily (frowns) what are you like, making your rounds Zach: yeah (nods) yep that's what i'm doin, i'm checkin up on ya Summer: ok, then why are you here Zach: (upset) I don't know, bad idea (Zach walks away upset, Summer closes her eyes and puts her hands on her head, frustrated - we see more of the band then we see Ryan looking for Lindsay in the crowd) Ryan: hey (Lindsay and Marissa look over) there you are Lindsay: (still tipsy) heeey, there you are (points) (Ryan looks from Lindsay to Marissa, accusingly. Marissa looks at Ryan then looks away) Lindsay: (Ryan sits next to her) (laughs at Marissa, Marissa smiles) my numb is tongue (laughs more) Ryan: (to Marissa) drunk (Marissa shrugs) Lindsay: (puts her head on Ryan's shoulder) mm I think that I need some fresh air Ryan: (clearly not happy) now that's a good idea, lets get you outta here Lindsay: (waves) bye (as Ryan helps Lindsay up she bumps into the table and laughs more. Marissa put her hand behind her neck, and looks worried - we see more of the band) CUT TO: The restaurant - Kirsten is sitting at the table by herself. Caleb walks over Kirsten: Julie took off Caleb: she insisted on me putting her in a cab, apparently it is my (sits) husbandly duty to support her ideas Kirsten: she's got a point...support each other no matter what...it's the name of the game Caleb: hm Kirsten: which is why i'm gonna support Sandy at the board meeting Caleb: putting the marriage ahead of the company (smiles) bold move Kirsten: (smiles) go with Julie on this one, you won't regret it Caleb: hm Kirsten: you know...your not as stubborn as everybody thinks you are Caleb: nah, its jus too much wine Kirsten: mm CUT TO: The beach - Ryan and Lindsay are walking on the sand, near the pier Ryan: so how you feelin Lindsay: oh I feel...so great Ryan: yeah Lindsay: lets go swimming (tries to take Ryan's jacket off) come on (excited) Ryan: ahhh swimming...in the ocean...at night Lindsay: yeah Ryan: yeah Lindsay: whats'a matter, are you scared (pushes Ryan back) Ryan: no (Lindsay falls on the sand, and Ryan falls on top of her, Lindsay laughs) Ryan: (concerned) you alright, ow my knees (Lindsay laughs) how much you drink huh Lindsay: I don't know, as much as Marissa Ryan: (nods) that's alot Lindsay: well I am on a liquid diet tonight Ryan: no dinner too huh (Lindsay nods) well in that case, you hang tight for a minute (touches Lindsay's nose) i'm gonna go grab some greasy fries an alotta coffee Lindsay: oooh Ryan: the Dawn Atwood special Lindsay: fries sound sooo good Ryan: (nods) don't they Lindsay: an then we'll go swimming it'll be fun because when the weather is cold the water is warm Ryan: alright, we'll talk about it when I get back Lindsay: ok Ryan: (kisses Lindsay's forehead) alright Lindsay: ok (laughs) Ryan: bye, stay there ok, you alright (walks away) (Ryan looks back and Lindsay waves at him, smiling) CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Seth knocks on Alex's office door. we see that Alex is inside ignoring him, she closes her eyes. Seth keeps knocking so she gives in and opens the door, she does not look impressed Seth: are you tryin'a wait me out cause it's not working Alex: yeah it is working that's why your not waiting...ok lets jus get this over with, come on in (Seth walks in) an tell me everything that i've done to wrong you (shuts the door) Seth: ok uh for one you lied to me (raises his eyebrows) Alex: I did not lie to you, I told you that my ex was in town an you filled in the blanks Seth: blanks that you left blank...you know, its part'a your move, its kinda part'a what ya do (Alex looks away) you got your whole too cool Jem an the Holograms thing happening an I feel like you consistently blowing me off is part'a your act Alex: so now you think it's an act (turns away) Seth: I think it's a crutch? (Alex glares at him) with the hair an the tattoos an the whiskey an cigarettes for breakfast, you know i've actually seen the banger sisters... part of it on cable, an I know how the story ends Alex: (upset) well ill make sure to net flix that this weekend so that I can be up'ta speed on your little theory Seth: great, you do that (Alex sits down) point is this was really fun for a while but (means it) (closes his eyes) it is jus not worth it so...I will see ya (leaves) Alex: ...so what're you gonna do Seth: I don't know, might go find a new girl to walk all over me, or...maybe even be cool to me (Seth looks at Alex then walks out, Alex closes her eyes, then leans on her hands) CUT TO: The Beach - Ryan comes back with coffee and food. he sees Lindsay's shoe wash ashore with the waves. Ryan runs towards the shoe and looks around for Lindsay Ryan: (yells) Lindsay (looks around) (more urgent) Lindsay! (looks around) (Ryan notices her bag and jacket on the sand. he looks towards the pier where the water is rough) Ryan: (yells again) Lindsay (takes off his jacket) (urgent) LINDSAY! (Ryan throws his jacket and runs into the water) CUT TO: Seth walking outside the bait shop, he hears the echo of Ryan calling for Lindsay underneath him. he looks around, he hears it again, he looks more and hears it again. he walks over to the railing and looks down. we see Ryan thrashing about in the water, calling for Lindsay still. Ryan goes under then comes back up and yells again. Seth heads down to Ryan. Ryan yells again and gets knocked over by a wave. he comes back up and we see Seth standing on the beach with his hands cupped around his mouth Seth: (yells) Ryan, what are you doing (puts his hands out) Ryan: (yells) Lindsay, she's out here somewhere (a wave knocks him over) get help Seth: (yells back) Lindsay's fine Ryan: (yells) what Seth: (points/yells) I jus saw her she's fine, she's passed out in Alex's office (Ryan stares at Seth, another wave hits him) CUT TO: Inside the Bait Shop - Ryan and Seth walk down the stairs. Ryan is soaking wet and frustrated Seth: maybe she went lookin for you, ran inta Marissa who was doin the same thing Ryan: yeah (pointed) can't wait to see her (we are now inside Alex's office, Lindsay is asleep and Marissa is kneeling next to her, Alex is leaning on her desk. the boys walk in) Marissa: (to Ryan) what happened ta you Ryan: ...is she ok Alex: she'll be fine, she's jus sleeping it off Seth: we should get her home (Ryan walks over to Lindsay) Marissa: (stands) I...can do that Ryan: (pointed) I think you've done enough Marissa: (looks at Ryan) oh ok, so this is the part where you blame it all on me Ryan: (looks at Marissa) your right, it was Lindsay's idea to pound straight Vodka an pass out, feel good ta see someone else mess up for a change Marissa: it was her idea, an ok so it got a little outta control b- Ryan: (yells at Marissa) it always does with you (Marissa jumps) you spent all last year tryin'a drag me down with you, an now her (Marissa looks at Ryan, Seth looks at them both, Alex looks at Marissa worried. we see Ryan glaring at Marissa and then Lindsay, still passed out) Ryan: you wanna make a mess outta your own life FINE (Marissa looks at him, upset) your doin a pretty good job of it if you ask me (Ryan turns away) Alex: no one, asked you Ryan: (yells at Alex) what'did you say (glares at Alex, Alex looks at Ryan) Seth: hey Ryan lets-lets go Ryan: no, i'm not leavin her here Alex: ill take care of her, you go (Marissa looks away, with tears in her eyes) Seth: yeah come on, it'll be fine (Ryan doesn't move) Ryan lets go (Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa doesn't look at him. he walks over to Seth. Marissa is still upset. Alex looks at Marissa, Marissa looks up when Ryan leaves) Seth: just call an let us know if she's ok (Alex nods) (shuts the door) (Alex looks at Marissa, Marissa puts her hand behind her neck and sighs) Alex: (sighs) let's get her outta here Marissa: yeah CUT TO: The diner - Summer walks in and sits at a booth by herself Summer: (to girl) hi uh black white milk shake please...one (Summer looks around and sees Zach sitting at a table by himself, she walks over to him) Summer: Zach (Zach looks up, then motions for her to sit) (sits) uh-hm...so...i'm sorry for being ultra bitch 2000 tonight Zach: (smiles) tonight Summer: fair enough (closes her eyes) its just that...my whole dating experience...(frowns) amounts to a six month angst fest with coo coo for Cohen (raises her eyebrows) (Zach looks down) so when i'm with you someone who is, sane an normal...its like I was raised by wolves Zach: ...do you need the drama Summer: well...if by that you mean do I miss the wolves...no (raises her eyebrows) see wolves they pee all over the place marking their territory...gross (Zach smiles) but...while i'm learning how to not howl...at the moon, I need to take baby steps...like this anniversary thing Zach: I get it...an don't worry, if we're still together when we hit the one year mark, i'm gonna totally blow it off Summer: I think that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me (smiles) (Zach picks up a second straw and puts it in his milk shake, they both drink from his milk shake at the same time {aww}) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan comes out of the bathroom and Seth is sitting on the end of the bed Seth: Alex called...Lindsay's home Ryan: (sighs) everything ok Seth: I assume so, we didn't...really have a long talk she...hung up on me...which is maybe a hint that I really screwed things up tonight Ryan: I don't think me an Marissa 'll be hanging out anytime soon...mm (dries his hair) I was probably too hard on her huh Seth: (makes an 'I don't know' expression) there were flashes of the old Ryan Atwood Ryan: its jus it brings back old issues you know...Marissa (raises his eyebrows) my mom Seth: yeah, I don't think you have'ta lump Lindsay in that category though, she's probably jus tryin'a let loose Ryan: or Marissa pressured her into it Seth: (reluctant) I think that if Lindsay was feelin any pressure it was probably comin from you (looks at Ryan) I mean ya kinda ? them inta that relationship? but I mean the girlfriend an the ex as friends, I think that goes against nature Ryan: hm, sounds like someone could follow their own advice Seth: yeah...yeah I should apologise its jus my pride Ryan: (looks at Seth) what pride Seth: yeah I guess there's nothin standin in my way Ryan: so do you wanna drive or me Seth: you (stands) Ryan: alright (stands) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Sandy is watching an old horror movie, Kirsten comes in Sandy: hey Kirsten: hey (sits next to Sandy) if your still angry you have every right to be Sandy: oh well that-that's good ta know, but here's the thing (shakes his head) i'm not angry at all, ever since I left the law firm your fathers ben groomin me to be his henchmen...an i've ben lettin him, I think in some way...i've jus ben postponing the inevitable Kirsten: an that is Sandy: figurin out what ta do next Kirsten: Sandy we can still make your housing idea work i'm gonna go on record recommending the project Sandy: oh I appreciate that (rubs Kirsten's leg) but id rather ya didn't...Julies magazine is always gonna give me the heebie jeebies an business wise its probably your best bet, besides if I work with you your father will ambush us every time we try to have a date Kirsten: that was the worst date we've ever had wasn't it Sandy: a double date with your father an Julie Cooper (Kirsten laughs) sounds like the plot'a this movie CUT TO: Outside Alex's - Ryan and Seth are walking up her drive way, Marissa's car is there Seth: maybe we shouldn't both be here I mean it's potentially too much apologise for one door step Ryan: we're not doin it at the same time Seth: that's good cause I don't think the synchronized apology will work Ryan: yeah (Seth and Ryan both knock at the same time, they both stop, then they both knock again. Seth knocks by himself. Alex opens the door) Alex: (sees Seth) it's like your stalking me Seth: yeah but i'm stalking with good intentions, I came to apologise Ryan: so did I Alex: (to Ryan) Marissa's inside Ryan: thanks (goes in) Alex: an so is Jody so you an me (shuts the door) are outside (nods) CUT TO: Inside Alex's - we see Ryan waiting for Marissa, she walks into the lounge room passed Ryan and sits on the couch Ryan: hey (Marissa doesn't say anything, she settles on the couch then looks at Ryan. Ryan looks at her and Marissa looks down) Ryan: look I don't know I-I (sighs) I guess I was hoping this could be easy...for you an me to stay friends (Marissa looks down) for you an Lindsay to be friends Marissa: an have us all live happily ever after Ryan: (frowns) yeah somethin like that Marissa: I know it seems like a million years ago we dated but it wasn't Ryan: I know that Marissa: an ok maybe you're over it (Ryan looks down) maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore (Ryan looks up) maybe it never did (Ryan looks at her) ...but it meant alot ta me, you meant alot to me...still do (Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks away) Ryan: ...it's not like that I...I don't know what its like (Marissa is still avoiding eye contact) an thinkin you an Lindsay should be friends was a bad idea Marissa: why, I like her...an if you do the math she's my step sister so Ryan: (frowns) I guess (Marissa looks at Ryan, Ryan avoids eye contact now) Marissa: look clearly it's gonna be strange for us for a while Ryan: yeah I know, your right (goes to leave) ...i'm sorry (Marissa half smiles, then looks down) that's what I came here to say Marissa: (looks at Ryan) i'm sorry too (Ryan leaves, Marissa looks down) CUT TO: Outside - Alex and Seth are sitting together on a bench outside Seth: so you an Jody, gettin back together Alex: (shakes her head) uhhh I doubt it, she's kind of a pain in the ass, but maybe that's my type Seth: right...so then I mean...does that mean that we can go back to before cause I can forget this ever happened (Alex looks at him) ok ill wait, cause that's what adults do they wait, so i'm waiting, adult style Ryan: hey (Alex and Seth turn around) you ready Seth: (waves at Ryan) (looks at Alex) yeah, I guess so (stands) Alex: (stands) um...thanks for coming by...an i'm sorry too (kisses Seth on the cheek) (Seth walks over to Ryan. Ryan puts his hand on Seth's back and they leave. Alex heads back inside. CUT TO: Inside Alex's - Marissa is watching the same horror movie Sandy and Kirsten were, Alex walks in Marissa: hey, Jody went to sleep	Plan: A: boys; Q: Who do the girls plan a girls' night out against? A: Lindsay; Q: Who does Marissa and Summer invite to their girls' night out? A: the festivities; Q: What does Lindsay join in on during the girls' night out? A: their own bonding session; Q: What do Ryan, Seth and Zach have when they are left to their own devices? A: pizza; Q: What food do Ryan, Seth and Zach bond over? A: their female counterparts; Q: What do Ryan, Seth and Zach find it hard to stay away from? A: an idea; Q: What do Julie and Kirsten collaborate on to help the image of the Newport Group? A: a better way; Q: What do Sandy and Caleb try to convince Julie and Kirsten there may be? Summary: It's girls against boys when Marissa and Summer decide to plan a girls' night out and include Lindsay in the festivities. Ryan, Seth and Zach, left to their own devices, have their own bonding session over video games and pizza, but find it hard to stay away from their female counterparts. Julie and Kirsten collaborate on an idea to help the image of the Newport Group while Sandy and Caleb try to convince them there may be a better way.
Martha and the Doctor are at the console, the Doctor handling the controls as they're in transit. THE DOCTOR: There we go... perfect landing, which isn't easy in such a tight spot. MARTHA: You should be used to tight spots by now. Where are we? THE DOCTOR: The end of the line. Martha rushes towards the doors. THE DOCTOR: No place like it. Martha looks at him, questioning if she should open the doors. He nods and she goes outside only to be disappointed in the destination. MARTHA: Home. You took me home? THE DOCTOR: In fact, the morning after we left, so you've only been gone about 12 hours. No time at all, really. The Doctor begins looking about at her photos. MARTHA: But all the stuff we've done: Shakespeare, New New York, old New York? THE DOCTOR: Yep, all in one night, relatively speaking. Everything should be just as it was... Books, Cds, (picks up underwear drying on a rack) laundry. Martha snags the offending lingerie from his fingertips. THE DOCTOR: So, back were you were, as promised. MARTHA: This is it? THE DOCTOR (inhales deeply): Yeah, I should probably... um... Martha's phone rings and the answering machine picks up. ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi! I'm out! Leave a message! MARTHA: I'm sorry. The machine beeps before Francine's message. FRANCINE: Martha, are you there? Pick it up, will you? MARTHA: It's Mum. It'll wait. FRANCINE: All right then, pretend that you're out if you like. I was only calling to say that your sister's on TV. On the news of all things. Just thought you might be interested. Martha picks up the remote control and turns on the TV. We hear the voice of Prof. Lazarus before we see him. LAZARUS: The details are top secret... MARTHA: How could Tish end up on the news? On the TV screen we see Prof Lazarus, who looks to be in his late 70s, holding a press conference. Tish is standing behind him. LAZARUS: Tonight, I will demonstrate a device... FRANCINE: She's got a new job. PR for some research lab. LAZARUS : ...with the push of a single button, I will change what it means to be human. Martha switches off the TV. MARTHA: Sorry. You were saying we should...? THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, we should. One trip is what we said. MARTHA: Yeah. I suppose things just kind of... escalated. THE DOCTOR: Mmm. Seems to happen to me a lot. MARTHA: Thank you. For everything. THE DOCTOR: It was my pleasure. The Doctor enters the TARDIS leaving Martha standing beside it looking near to tears. She takes a deep breath and backs away as the TARDIS dematerialises. When it's gone, she looks almost lost. She hears the TARDIS again and turns to see it rematerialise. The Doctor opens the door and pops his head out. THE DOCTOR: No, I'm sorry. Did he say he was going to change what it means to be human? OPENING CREDITS In Lazarus's office that night, he is looking out on London. Lady Thaw, a woman of a similar age, her grey hair in a fashionable bun, is standing at his side. LADY THAW: Are you sure it's safe? LAZARUS: There were some issues. They've been resolved. I'm confident I'm in no serious danger. LADY THAW: That's comforting, Richard, but it wasn't just you I was worried about. LAZARUS: Your concern is touching. LADY THAW: The people in that room will represent billions of pounds' worth of potential investment. Mr Saxon wants to be sure they like what they see. LAZARUS: Don't worry. Our friend will get his money's worth. Tish enters the office with a file in her hand. TISH: You wanted to see the guest list for tonight, Professor? LAZARUS: Yes. Thank you, Leticia. Tish sets the file on his desk. Lazarus put his hand on hers, preventing her from leaving. LAZARUS: That's an interesting perfume. What's it called? TISH: Soap. Tish pulls her hand away and leaves the office. The Doctor and Martha are walking down the street. The Doctor is fussing with the cuffs of his dress shirt. THE DOCTOR: Oh, black tie. Whenever I wear this, something bad always happens. MARTHA: It's not the outfit, that's just you. Anyway, I think it suits you. In a James Bond kind of way. THE DOCTOR (derisively): James Bond? (Approvingly). Really? Martha chuckles as they approach the impressive entrance to Lazarus Laboratories. Inside the main reception room, guests are mingling. Dominating the room is a large white round cabinet surrounded by four pillars with a slight curve at the top. The Doctor takes some hors-d'oeuvres from a passing tray. THE DOCTOR: Oh, look, they've got nibbles! I love nibbles! The Doctor tosses one whole into his mouth. Tish joins them, smiling. TISH: Hello. MARTHA: Tish. The two sisters hug. TISH: You look great. So, what do you think? Impressive, isn't it? MARTHA (nods): Very. TISH: And two nights out in a row for you, that's dangerously close to a social life. MARTHA: If I keep this up, I'll end up in all the gossip columns. TISH: You might, actually. Keep an eye out for photographers. And Mum, she's coming too, even dragging Leo along with her. MARTHA (incredulous): Leo in black tie? That I must see. Tish glances at the Doctor. MARTHA: This is, uh, the Doctor. THE DOCTOR (shakes her hand): Hello. TISH: Is he with you? MARTHA: Yeah. TISH: But he's not on the list. How did he get in? MARTHA: He's my plus one. THE DOCTOR: So, this Lazarus bloke, he's your boss? TISH: Professor Lazarus, yes. I'm part of his executive staff. MARTHA: She's in the PR department. TISH: I'm head of the PR department, actually. MARTHA: You're joking. TISH: I put this whole thing together. THE DOCTOR: So do you know what the professor's going to be doing tonight? That looks like it might be a sonic microfield manipulator. TISH: He's a science geek. I should've known. Gotta get back to work now. I'll catch up with you later. Tish leaves to mingle. THE DOCTOR: Science geek? What does that mean? MARTHA: That your obsessively enthusiastic about it. THE DOCTOR: Oh, nice. Francine enters with Leo from the other side of the room. FRANCINE: Your father's caused me enough heartache already with his menopause and his trophy girlfriend. LEO: Yeah, Mum, I know. It's just something he said last night. Francine sees Martha. FRANCINE: Martha. Martha turns and looks at her mother as if she hasn't seen her in years. MARTHA: Mum! She gives her mother a big hug. FRANCINE: Oh. All right, what's the occasion? MARTHA: What do you mean? I'm just pleased to see you, that's all. FRANCINE: You saw me last night. MARTHA: I know. I just... miss you. You're looking good, Leo. LEO: Yeah. If anyone asks me to fetch 'em a drink, I'll swing for him. Francine notices the Doctor standing a bit behind Martha. FRANCINE: You disappeared last night. MARTHA: I... just went home. FRANCINE: On your own? MARTHA: This is a friend of mine, the Doctor. FRANCINE: Doctor what? MARTHA: No, it's just the Doctor. We've been doing some work together. Leo shakes the Doctor's hand. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, all right. (Shakes Francine's hand). Lovely to meet you, Mrs Jones. Heard a lot about you. FRANCINE: Have you? What have you heard, then? THE DOCTOR: Oh, you know, that you're Martha's mother and... um... No, actually, that's... that's about it. We haven't had much time to chat, you know, been busy. FRANCINE: Busy? Doing what, exactly? THE DOCTOR: Oh... you know... stuff. Their conversation is cut short, as there is a tapping on glass, a signal that an announcement is about to be made. LAZARUS: Ladies and gentlemen, I am Professor Richard Lazarus and tonight I'm going to perform a miracle. It is, I believe, the most important advance since Rutherford split the atom, the biggest leap since Armstrong stood on the moon. Tonight, you will watch and wonder. Tomorrow, you'll awake to a world which will be changed forever. Lazarus enters the cabinet. Two female technicians start the machinery from a bank of instruments behind the cabinet. There is a high-pitched whir and a bright blue light as the four pillars begin to spin individually. Creating an energy field. They ten begin to rotate around the cabinet, going faster and faster. A warning klaxon goes off. THE DOCTOR: Something's wrong. It's overloading. The technicians tried to stop it, but some of the panels explode, sending off sparks. The Doctor jumps over the low desk and aims his sonic screwdriver at the controls. LADY THAW: Somebody stop him! Get him away from those controls! THE DOCTOR: If this thing goes off, it'll take the whole building with it. Is that what you want? The Doctor pulls one of the main wires that connect to the cabinet and it slowly stops spinning. Martha runs to the door and the Doctor runs to join her. THE DOCTOR: Get it open! They open the door and watch as, through the smoke, Lazarus emerges looking 40 years younger. Photographers snap away as Martha and the Doctor look on amazed. Lazarus touches his face, realizing it worked. He steps completely out and stands before his machine. LAZARUS: Ladies and gentlemen, I am Richard Lazarus. I am 76 years old and I am reborn! Lazarus holds his arms up in triumph as everyone claps. LADY THAW: He did it. He actually did it. People are taking the opportunity to have their photograph taken with Lazarus. Martha watches as the Doctor studies the machine. MARTHA: It can't be the same guy. It's impossible. It must be a trick. THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's not a trick. I wish it were. MARTHA: What just happened, then? THE DOCTOR: He just changed what it means to be human. Lady Thaw walks over to where Lazarus is speaking with some guests. LADY THAW: Excuse me. That was the most astonishing thing I've ever seen. Look at you! LAZARUS: This is only the beginning. We're not just making history; we're shaping the future, too. LADY THAW: Think of the money we'll make. People will sell their souls to be transformed like that. And I'll be first in line. Lazarus cracks his neck as if experiencing pain and gasps. A waiter comes by with a tray of hors-d'oeuvres and Lazarus takes the whole thing, shovelling one after another into his mouth. Lady Thaw watches, aghast. LADY THAW: Richard! LAZARUS: I'm famished. The Doctor and Martha walk up behind them. THE DOCTOR: Energy deficit. Always happens with this kind of process. LAZARUS: You speak as if you see this every day, Mr... THE DOCTOR: Doctor. And, well, no, not every day, but I have some experience in this kind of transformation. LAZARUS: That's not possible. THE DOCTOR: Using hypersonic sound waves to create a state of resonance. That's... that's inspired. LAZARUS: You understand the theory, then. THE DOCTOR: Enough to know that you couldn't possibly have allowed for all the variables. LAZARUS: No experiment is entirely without risk. THE DOCTOR: That thing nearly exploded. You might as well have stepped into a blender. LADY THAW: You're not qualified to comment. THE DOCTOR: If I hadn't stopped it, it would have exploded. LAZARUS: Then I thank you, Doctor. But that's a simple engineering issue. What happened inside the capsule was exactly what was supposed to happen. No more, no less. MARTHA: You've no way of knowing that until you've run proper tests. LAZARUS (laughs): Look at me! You can see what happened. I'm all the proof you need. LADY THAW: This device will be properly certified before we start to operate commercially. MARTHA: Commercially?! You are joking. That'll cause chaos. LAZARUS: Not chaos. Change. A chance for humanity to evolve, to improve. THE DOCTOR: This isn't about improving. It's about you and your customers living a little longer. LAZARUS: Not a little longer, Doctor. A lot longer. Perhaps indefinitely. LADY THAW: Richard, we have things to discuss. Upstairs. Lady Thaw walks away and Lazarus moves to follow her. LAZARUS: Goodbye, Doctor. In a few years, you'll look back and laugh at how wrong you were. Lazarus reaches out and takes Martha's hand, kissing the back of it before leaving. THE DOCTOR: Ooh, he's out of his depth. No idea of the damage he might have done. MARTHA: So what do we do now? THE DOCTOR: Now... well, this building must be full of laboratories. I say we do our own tests. Martha looks at her hand. MARTHA: Lucky I've just collected a DNA sample then, isn't it? THE DOCTOR: Oh, Martha Jones, you're a star. They head off. Lazarus and Lady Thaw are sipping scotch, looking out the window over London. LAZARUS: I grew up over there. Tiny flat above a butcher's shop. LADY THAW: It'll have a blue plaque soon. "Richard Lazarus lived here". LAZARUS: It's gone. Destroyed in the war. The bombing. LADY THAW: Of course. LAZARUS: 1940. D'you remember? Night after night. Explosions. Guns. Firestorm. LADY THAW: My parents had sent me to the country by then. LAZARUS: When the sirens went, we'd go to the cathedral there. We used to shelter in the crypt... the living cowering among the dead. LADY THAW: But look at what you've built here, now. You've laid the foundations for an empire. An empire we can rule together. Lady Thaw pulls him down for a kiss. Lazarus pulls away from the kiss and exhales sharply. LADY THAW: Well, what's wrong? Lazarus wipes his lips with his hand and chuckles. He grabs her chin and forces her to look at her reflection in the window. LAZARUS: Look at yourself, woman. Lady Thaw pushes his hand away. Martha and the Doctor are in a lab looking at the results of the DNA test on a computer screen. THE DOCTOR: Amazing. MARTHA: What? THE DOCTOR: Lazarus's DNA. MARTHA: I can't see anything different. THE DOCTOR: Look at it! The image on the screen flickers. MARTHA: Oh, my God! Did that just change? But it can't have! THE DOCTOR: But it did. MARTHA: It's impossible. THE DOCTOR: And that's two impossible things we've seen tonight. Don't you love it when that happens? MARTHA: That means Lazarus has changed his own molecular patterns. THE DOCTOR: Hypersonic sound waves to destabilize the cell structure then a mutagenic program to manipulate the coding in the protein strands. Basically, he hacked into his own genes and instructed them to rejuvenate. MARTHA: But they're still mutating now. THE DOCTOR: 'Cause he missed something. Something in his DNA has been activated and won't let him stabilize. Something that's trying to change him. MARTHA: Change him into what? THE DOCTOR: I dunno but I think we need to find out. MARTHA: That woman said they were going upstairs. THE DOCTOR: Let's go! They leave the lab. Lady Thaw is pacing behind Lazarus as he looks out the window. LADY THAW: It's me who made this all possible. This is my triumph, and I will not be denied, not by you, not after everything I've done here! LAZARUS: You backed me because you saw a profit. Your concern was financial. LADY THAW: Well! You want the money as much as I do. We had a plan. Lazarus closes his eyes as his body "cracks" again. LADY THAW: When the device is ready, I'll be rejuvenated, too. We could be rich and young and together! LAZARUS: You think I'd water another lifetime on you? LADY THAW: Did that process make you even more cruel? LAZARUS: No, my love. That I learnt from you. You have a gift for it. LADY THAW: Then you know that I'll protect my involvement in the project. I'm sure Mr Saxon will be interested... Lazarus groans in pain as the cracking of his body becomes more severe. LADY THAW: What's going on? LAZARUS (gasps): It must just be... ah! Jerks. LADY THAW: What is it? LAZARUS: I'll be fine in a moment. It's probably just a cramp. Lazarus smiles reassuringly before gasping and falling to the floor. LADY THAW: Oh! Richard! Lazarus begins jerking and convulsing on the floor. LADY THAW: Is it some sort of seizure? What should I do? I don't understand what's happening. Lazarus screams and we see bones rip out through the back of his suit. There is growling and Lady Thaw screams. A tail with a stinger similar to a scorpion strikes. Back at the reception, Francine see Tish and calls her over. FRANCINE: Tish! Have you seen Martha and that Doctor anywhere? TISH: Not since the demonstration. FRANCINE: Do you know anything about him? Has she ever mentioned him before? TISH: Not to me. FRANCINE: The way she followed him. TISH: She's a doctor. She was just doing her job. FRANCINE: She's not a doctor yet. Never will be, if she doesn't stay focused. LEO: Look, she's found a bloke. So what? FRANCINE: There's something going on, Leo, I can feel it. The lift opens and Lazarus steps out wearing a new suit. He twists his neck as if to get it back in place. He finds Tish and puts a hand on her shoulder. LAZARUS: Leticia Jones. I'd recognize the smell of that soap anywhere. TISH: Professor. LAZARUS: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, you'll have to excuse me while I take care of Leticia here. I've been neglecting her. Lazarus leads her away. The Doctor and Martha step out of the lift and into Lazarus's office. The Doctor turns on the lights. MARTHA: This is his office, all right. THE DOCTOR: So, where is he? MARTHA: Dunno. Let's try back at the re...ception. Sticking out from behind the desk, Martha spots a pair of skeletal bones, wearing high heels. They rush over to see the desiccated remains of Lady Thaw. MARTHA: Is that Lady Thaw? THE DOCTOR: Used to be. Now it's just a shell. Had all the life energy drained out. Like squeezing the juice out of an orange. MARTHA: Lazarus. THE DOCTOR: Could be. MARTHA: So he's changed already. THE DOCTOR: Not necessarily. You saw the DNA. It was fluctuating. The process must demand energy. This might not have been enough. MARTHA: So he might do this again? THE DOCTOR: Hmm. They dash back to the lifts. The moment after theirs leaves, the other lift opens and out walks Tish with Lazarus. LAZARUS: You seem very young to have such a responsible position. Have you much experience? TISH: Not really. But the interview panel thought I had all the necessary attributes. LAZARUS: How perceptive of them. TISH (chuckles): So where are you taking me? LAZARUS: Up to the roof. It's a lovely evening. I thought I'd show you the view. It's extraordinary. TISH: Like a lot of things around here, then. Lazarus motions for Tish to go ahead. He cracks his neck then follows. Martha and the Doctor arrive back at the reception. MARTHA: I can't see him. THE DOCTOR: He can't be far. Keep looking. The Doctor walks on. LEO: Hey, you all right, Martha? I think Mum wants to talk to you. MARTHA: Have you see Lazarus anywhere? LEO: Yeah. He was getting' cosy with Tish a couple of minutes ago. The Doctor joins them moments before Francine. MARTHA: With Tish?! FRANCINE: Ah, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Where did they go? LEO: Upstairs I think, why? FRANCINE: Doctor... The Doctor rushes past, spilling Francine's drink. FRANCINE: I'm speaking to you! Martha follows the Doctor, stopping a moment to talk to her mother. MARTHA: Not now, Mum! Francine goes to one of the tables where she finds a napkin to wipe herself down. A man walks up to her. MAN: I think you need one of these. The man hands her a fresh glass of champagne. FRANCINE: Thank you. That's very kind of you. MAN: Do you know that man? FRANCINE: No. He's a friend of my daughter's. MAN: Perhaps she should choose her friends more carefully. The man walks off. The Doctor and Martha arrive back at Lazarus's office. MARTHA: Where are they? The Doctor takes out the sonic screwdriver. THE DOCTOR: Fluctuating DNA will give off an energy signature. I might be able to pick it up. He holds the sonic screwdriver out at arm's length and slowly turns in a circle. Its beeping increases. THE DOCTOR: Got him. MARTHA: Where? The Doctor ends up pointing the sonic screwdriver at the ceiling. MARTHA: But this is the top floor! The roof! They run for the stairs. Up on the roof, Tish stands beside Lazarus as they look out over London. TISH: That clock tower's beautiful all lit up like that. LAZARUS: It's Southwark Cathedral. One of the oldest churches in London. Been around longer than I have. TISH: Well, you're looking pretty good for your age. LAZARUS: Thank you. TISH: Can I? Tish reaches a hand out tentatively. LAZARUS: Of course. Tish runs the back of her hand along Lazarus's cheek and he turns into the caress. TISH: Still can't take it in. LAZARUS: I'm still adjusting myself. I've been working toward it for two many years, it's hard to believe the moment's finally arrived. TISH: And is it like you expected? LAZARUS: I find that nothing's ever exactly like you expect. There's always something to surprise you. "Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act... THE DOCTOR: Falls the shadow". Lazarus turns to see the Doctor and Martha. LAZARUS: So the mysterious Doctor knows his Eliot. I'm impressed. TISH: Martha, what are you doing here? MARTHA: Tish, get away from him. TISH: What? Don't tell me what to do. THE DOCTOR: I wouldn't have thought you had time for poetry, Lazarus, what with you being busy defying the laws of nature and all. LAZARUS: You're right, Doctor. One lifetime's been too short for me to do everything I'd like. How much more would I get done in two or three or four? THE DOCTOR: Doesn't work like that. Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It's not the time that mattes; it's the person. LAZARUS: But if it's the right person, what a gift that would be. THE DOCTOR: Or what a curse. Look at what you've done to yourself. LAZARUS: Who are you to judge me? MARTHA: Over here, Tish. Tish walks over to Martha. TISH: You have to spoil everything, don't you? Every time I find someone nice, you have to go and find fault. Behind Tish, Lazarus is having another attack. MARTHA: Tish, he's a monster! TISH: I know the age thing's a bit freaky, but it works for Catherine Zeta-Jones. At the sound of growling, Tish slowly turns her head and we see the monster for the first time. It looks a cross between and human skeleton and a scorpion. It rears up. THE DOCTOR: Run! The Doctor, Martha and Tish race inside and the Doctor seals the lock with the sonic screwdriver. Martha presses the call button for the lift. MARTHA (to Tish): Are you okay? TISH: I was gonna snog him. Lazarus bangs on the door, alerting the buildings automatic security. Sirens begin to go off and a computerised warning comes over the PA. PA: Security breach. Security breach. Security beach. No one at the reception knows what is going on. MARTHA: What's happening? TISH: Uh, an intrusion. It triggers a security lockdown. Kills most of the power. Stops the lifts. Seals the exits. THE DOCTOR: He must be breaking through that door. The stairs, come on! As they run down the stairs, they hear the door crash open. MARTHA: He's inside! THE DOCTOR: Haven't got much time! Martha, the Doctor and Tish return to the reception. THE DOCTOR: Tish! Is there another way out of here? TISH: There's an exit in the corner, but it'll be locked now. The Doctor tosses the sonic screwdriver to Martha. THE DOCTOR: Martha, setting 54. Hurry. Martha rushes off followed by Tish. The Doctor jumps on the platform in front of Lazarus's machine. THE DOCTOR: Listen to me! Your people are in serious danger! You need to get out of here right now! WOMAN: Don't be ridiculous. The biggest danger here is choking on an olive. Glass shatters and Lazarus appears on the landing above before leaping down to the reception floor. Martha and Tish rush to open the door as everyone runs for the exits. LEO: Mum, get back! Leo is hit by a table the monster sent flying. FRANCINE: Leo! Martha gets the door open. MARTHA: Over here! This way! Everyone downstairs now! Hurry! Lazarus closes in on the woman who wouldn't believe the Doctor and she just stands there. THE DOCTOR: No! Get away from her! The woman screams and we hear the sound of her being sucked dry before her shell falls to the floor. Francine is with Leo who slowly comes to as Lazarus approaches. THE DOCTOR: Lazarus! Leave them alone! Martha comes to help Leo. FRANCINE: Martha. MARTHA (to Leo): C'mon, stay with me. Martha takes Francine and Leo to safety. THE DOCTOR: What's the point if you can't control it? The mutation's too strong. Killing those people won't help you. You're a fool, a vain old man who thought he could defy Nature. Only Nature got her own back, didn't she? You're a joke, Lazarus! A footnote in the history of failure! The Doctor runs away from the reception hall and up through the hallways, Lazarus following. Martha is examining Leo. TISH: What's the Doctor doing? MARTHA: He's trying to buy us some time. Let's not waste it. Leo, look at me. Let me see your eyes. (To Francine): He's got concussion. You'll need to help him downstairs. Martha goes to an ice bucket and puts some ice in a napkin, which she then gives to Francine. MARTHA: This'll keep the swelling down. Go! I'll be right behind you! Tish, move! We need to get out of here! The Doctor runs onto a service hall filled with all sorts of pipes. He creeps through quietly. LAZARUS (hissing): It's no good, Doctor. You can't stop me. THE DOCTOR: Is that the same arrogance you had when you swore nothing had gone wrong with your device? LAZARUS: The arrogance is yours. You can't stand in the way of progress. THE DOCTOR: You call feeding on innocent people progress? You're delusional! LAZARUS: It is a necessary sacrifice. THE DOCTOR: That's not your decision to make. The partygoers are running down the stairs to the main entrance but the doors are locked. TISH: We can't get out! We're trapped! MARTHA: There must be an override switch. Where's the security desk? Tish! TISH: Right there. Martha runs to the desk and slides over the top and checks the panel layout before using the sonic screwdriver. The power comes back on, the doors open and everyone escapes. With the power back on, the lights return in the service hall and the Doctor is no longer hidden as he once was. LAZARUS: Peek-a-boo. The Doctor looks up to see Lazarus on the ceiling. THE DOCTOR: Oh, hello. The Doctor runs from the room. MARTHA: I've got to go back. FRANCINE: You can't! You saw what that thing did. It'll kill you. MARTHA: I don't care. I have to go. FRANCINE: It's that Doctor, isn't it? That's what's happened to you. That's why you've changed. TISH: He was buying us time, Martha. Time for you to get out, too. MARTHA: I'm not leaving him. FRANCINE: Martha! Martha runs back up the stairs. Tish takes Francine's hand and pulls her outside. The Doctor enters a lab. He fiddles with the battery of a light fixture, leaving wires exposed. He then turns on all the gas jets. He ducks down when he hears Lazarus. LAZARUS: More hide-and-seek, Doctor? How disappointing. Why don't you come out and face me? THE DOCTOR: Have you looked in the mirror lately? (Stands). Why would I wanna face that, hmm? The Doctor runs from the room, slicking a switch as he leaves, causing the room to explode behind him. Martha hears the crash and changes direction, running into him as the reach a corner. THE DOCTOR: What are you doing here? MARTHA: I'm returning this. (Holds out sonic screwdriver). I thought you might need it. THE DOCTOR: How did you...? MARTHA: I heard the explosion. Guessed it was you. THE DOCTOR: I blasted Lazarus. MARTHA: Did you kill him? Lazarus comes crashing down the hall. THE DOCTOR: More sort of annoyed him, I'd say. [SCENE_BREAK] Out on the main steps, Francine is sitting with Leo as Tish stands in front of them. TISH: She'll be all right. The Doctor and her, they'll look out for each other. FRANCINE: She turned her back on us, went in there with that thing for him. LEO: He must be some guy. TISH: Maybe she loves him. FRANCINE: She just met him. The same mysterious man walks over. MAN: Is you daughter still in there with the Doctor? FRANCINE (stands): Do you know him? MAN: He's dangerous. There are things you should know. FRANCINE: What things? The mysterious man whispers in Francine's ear. The Doctor and Martha are back in the reception room. MARTHA: What now? We've just gone 'round in a circle! Lazarus bursts in and the Doctor heads for the device. THE DOCTOR: We can't lead him outside. Come on, get in. They both hide in the device where they are pressed together like sardines. MARTHA: Are we hiding? THE DOCTOR: No, he knows we're here. But this is his masterpiece. I'm betting he won't destroy it, not even to get at us. MARTHA: But we're trapped! THE DOCTOR: Well, yeah, that's a slight problem. MARTHA: You mean you don't have a plan? THE DOCTOR: Yes, the plan was to get inside here! MARTHA: Then what? THE DOCTOR: Well... then I'd come up with another plan. MARTHA: In your own time, then. Lazarus walks around the outside of the capsule. In the tight quarters, the Doctor has a hard time reaching into his pocket. MARTHA: Hey! THE DOCTOR: Sorry, sorry, sorry. (Pulls out sonic screwdriver). Here we are. MARTHA: What're you gonna do with that? THE DOCTOR: Improvise. The Doctor slides down slowly to the floor and pops open a panel. MARTHA: I still don't understand where that thing came from. Is it alien? THE DOCTOR: No, for once it's strictly human in origin. He uses the sonic screwdriver on the wires attached to the panel. MARTHA: Human? How can it be human? THE DOCTOR: Probably from dormant genes in Lazarus's DNA. The energy field in this thing must have reactivated them. And it looks like they're becoming dominant. MARTHA: So it's a throwback. THE DOCTOR: Some option that evolution rejected for you millions of years ago, but the potential is still there. Locked away in your genes, forgotten about until Lazarus unlocked it by mistake. The Doctor continues to work on the wires. MARTHA: It's like Pandora's box. THE DOCTOR: Exactly. Nice shoes, by the way. Lazarus has moved to the controls and presses the red button to start the process. A blue light fills the capsule. MARTHA: Doctor, what's happening? THE DOCTOR: Sounds like he's switched the machine on. MARTHA: That's not good, is it? THE DOCTOR: Well, I was hoping it was gonna take him a little bit longer to work that out. The machine begins to spin. MARTHA: I don't want to hurry you, but... THE DOCTOR: I know, I know. Nearly done. MARTHA: What're you doin'? THE DOCTOR: Trying to set the capsule to reflect energy rather than receive it. MARTHA: Will that kill him? THE DOCTOR: When he transforms, he's three times his size, cellular triplication, so he's spreading himself thin. MARTHA: We're gonna end up like him! THE DOCTOR: Just one more! The Doctor pulls a wire and the energy field changes, moving out from the capsule, knocking Lazarus away. The Doctor opens the door and steps out, Martha right behind him. MARTHA: I thought we were gonna go through the blender then. THE DOCTOR: Really shouldn't take that long just to reverse the polarity. I must be a bit out of practice. Lazarus is lying in human form, naked, on the floor. MARTHA: Oh God. He seems so... human again. It's kind of pitiful. THE DOCTOR: Eliot saw that, too. "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper." Medical services come to take the body, carrying it out on a gurney in a bag. Martha and the Doctor watch from the steps. The first to see them is Tish. TISH: She's here. Oh, she's all right. Hugs Martha. THE DOCTOR: Ah, Mrs Jones, we still haven't finished out chat. Francine slaps him on the face. FRANCINE: Keep away from my daughter. MARTHA: Mum, what are you doing? The Doctor puts his hand on his cheek. THE DOCTOR: All their mothers, every time. FRANCINE: He is dangerous! I've been told things. MARTHA: What are you talking about? Francine takes Martha by the shoulders. FRANCINE: Look around you! Nothing but death and destruction! MARTHA: This isn't his fault. He saved us, all of us! LEO: It was Tish who invited everyone to this thing in the first place. I'd say technically, it's her fault. Tish elbows Leo in the side. There's a crash and the Doctor looks at Martha before running off. She goes to follow but Francine holds her back. FRANCINE: Leave him. Martha shakes her head and runs after the Doctor. TISH: Martha? FRANCINE: Not you, too? TISH: Sorry. Tish joins up with the Doctor and Martha as they run down the street where they see the ambulance, the doors open and the medics merely husks. THE DOCTOR: Lazarus, back from the dead. Should've known, really. He takes out the sonic screwdriver and searches for Lazarus like he did earlier. MARTHA: Where's he gone? THE DOCTOR: That way. The church. TISH: Cathedral. It's Southwark Cathedral. He told me. Inside the cathedral, they proceed up the nave, the Doctor in front with the sonic screwdriver held out in front of him. MARTHA: Do you think he's in here? THE DOCTOR: Where would you go if you were looking for sanctuary? The move forward through the empty cathedral to the open space behind the altar and underneath the bell tower. Lazarus is sitting there gasping, a red blanket from the ambulance wrapped about him. LAZARUS: I came here before. A lifetime ago. I thought I was going to die then. In fact, I was sure of it. I sat there, just a child... the sound of planes and bombs outside. THE DOCTOR: The Blitz. LAZARUS: You've read about it. THE DOCTOR: I was there. LAZARUS (scoffs): You're too young. THE DOCTOR: So are you. Lazarus laughs but it soon turns to gasps of pain as he fights the mutation. LAZARUS: In the morning, the fires had died, and I was still alive. I swore I'd never face death like that again. The Doctor walks around Lazarus slowly, looking up at the bell tower. Martha watches, knowing he's planning something. LAZARUS: So defenceless. I would arm myself, fight back, defeat it. THE DOCTOR: That's what you were trying to do today. LAZARUS: That's what I did today. THE DOCTOR: What about the other people who died? LAZARUS: They were nothing. I changed the course of history. THE DOCTOR: Any of them might have done, too. You think history's only made with equations? Facing death is part of being human. You can't change that. LAZARUS: No, Doctor. Avoiding death. That's being human. It's our strongest impulse, to cling to life with every fibre of being. I'm doing what everyone before me has tried to do. I've simply been more... successful. Lazarus groans in pain as his body tries to change. THE DOCTOR: Look at yourself! You're mutating! You've no control over it! You call that a success? LAZARUS: I call it progress. I'm more now that I was. More than just an ordinary human. THE DOCTOR: There's no such thing as an ordinary human. MARTHA (whispers): He's gonna change again at any minute. THE DOCTOR (whispers): I know. If I can get him up into the bell tower somehow, I've an idea that might work. MARTHA (whispers): Up there? The Doctor nods. LAZARUS: You're so sentimental, Doctor. Maybe you are older than you look. THE DOCTOR: I'm old enough to know that a longer life isn't always a better one. In the end, you just get tired. Tired of the struggle. Tired of losing everyone that matters to you. Tried of watching everything turn to dust. (Squats beside Lazarus). If you live long enough, Lazarus, the only certainty left is that you end up alone. LAZARUS: That's a price worth paying. THE DOCTOR: Is it? Lazarus feels the change again. LAZARUS: I will feed soon. THE DOCTOR: I'm not gonna let that happen. LAZARUS: You've not been able to stop me so far. Martha comes up behind Lazarus. MARTHA: Leave him, Lazarus! He's old and bitter. Thought you had a taste for fresher meat. THE DOCTOR: Martha, no. Lazarus snarls and chases after Martha. Tish runs with her. MARTHA: What are you doing? TISH: Keeping you out of trouble! MARTHA: Doctor! The tower! Martha and Tish run up the narrow spiral staircase that leads to the upper level. Lazarus follows and begins screaming. TISH: Did you hear that? MARTHA: He's changed again. We've got to lead him up. Down below, the Doctor looks for them. THE DOCTOR: Where are they? Martha?! Martha peers out of one of the archways in the upper level. MARTHA: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: Take him to the top, the very top of the bell tower, d'you hear me?! Martha is leaning out from a stone passageway. MARTHA: Up to the top! TISH: Martha... Lazarus is making his way along the passage. MARTHA (to Doctor): Then what? TISH: Martha, come on! The two sisters run. The Doctor runs to the large pipe organ and sits on the bench. He then pulls out the sonic screwdriver. THE DOCTOR: Hypersonic sound waves. Inspired. He jams the screwdriver into a slot in the organ and begins to pull out all the stops. Martha and Tish arrive at the top of the bell tower, which is a circular walkway with wooden rails. TISH: There's nowhere to go! We're trapped! MARTHA: This is where he said to bring him. TISH: All right, so we're not trapped. We're bait. MARTHA: He knows what he's doing. We have to trust him. LAZARUS (hissing): Ladies. He enters, blocking the only doorway. MARTHA: Stay behind me. If he takes me, make a run for it. Head down the stairs, you should have enough time. TISH: But... MARTHA: Just do it, Tish! Lazarus attacks, swinging down his tail. Down at the organ the Doctor hears the commotion and looks up. One of the girls screams. THE DOCTOR: I hope it's good acoustic in here. As Lazarus continues his attack, the Doctor begins playing the organ. Lazarus knocks away part of the wall. Martha is hit by his tail and falls over, clinging to the edge. TISH: Martha! Lazarus leaps across to stand over Martha. TISH: Hold on! Get away from her! The Doctor plays more frantically but it's not having the desired effect. He pulls out the sonic screwdriver and resets the volume of the organ. THE DOCTOR: We need to turn this up to 11. He resumes playing. Up in the bell tower, Tish holds her head in agony as the sound waves from the organ resonate in the tight space. Lazarus begins to write. Martha tried to hold on. Lazarus topples over the edge and falls to the floor below. The Doctor stops and looks down. Lazarus has returned to human form. As Martha is about to fall, Tish grabs her arm. TISH: I've got you. Hold on. THE DOCTOR: Martha?! Tish pulls Martha back onto the walkway and the both sob in relief. MARTHA: I'm okay! We're both okay! (To Tish): Thanks. TISH: It's your Doctor you should be thanking. MARTHA: Told you he'd think of something. TISH: He cut it a bit fine there, didn't he? MARTHA: He always does. It's more fun that way. TISH: Who is he? MARTHA: He's... he's the Doctor. The Doctor kneels by Lazarus's body. As he closes Lazarus's eyes, the body becomes old again. He then runs to the stairs where he hugs Martha. MARTHA: I didn't know you could play? THE DOCTOR: Oh, well, you know, if you hang around with Beethoven, you're bound to pick a few things up. MARTHA: Hmm, especially about playing loud. The Doctor leans forward like he didn't hear her. THE DOCTOR: Sorry? Martha laughs. Martha and the Doctor are standing in front of the TARDIS in Martha's flat. THE DOCTOR: Something else that just kind of escalated, then. MARTHA: I can see a pattern developing. You should take more care in the future. And the past, and whatever other time period you find yourself in. THE DOCTOR: It's good fun, though, isn't it? MARTHA: Yeah. THE DOCTOR: So, what d'you say, one more trip? MARTHA: No. Sorry. THE DOCTOR: What do you mean? I thought you liked it. MARTHA: I do, but I can't go on like this. "One more trip." It's not fair. THE DOCTOR: What're you talking about? MARTHA: I don't want to be just a passenger anymore. Someone you take along for a treat. If that's how you still see me, well, I'd rather stay here. THE DOCTOR: Okay, then. If that's what you want. MARTHA: Right. But we've already said good-bye once today so it's really best if you just go. Martha walks away from the TARDIS, keeping her back to it. When the Doctor doesn't say anything, she looks over her shoulder. MARTHA: What is it? THE DOCTOR: What? I said okay. MARTHA: Sorry? THE DOCTOR: Okay. The Doctor nods his head at the TARDIS. MARTHA: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Martha hugs him and laughs. THE DOCTOR: Well, you were never really just a passenger, were you? They enter the TARDIS and, as it dematerialises, Martha's phone rings. ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, I'm out! Leave a message! FRANCINE: Martha, it's your mother. Please, phone me back. I'm begging you. I know who this Doctor really is. I know he's dangerous. You're gonna get yourself killed. Please, trust me. This information comes from Harold Saxon himself. You're not safe!	Plan: A: 76-year-old Professor Richard Lazarus; Q: Who demonstrates his experiment where he uses hypersonic sound waves to restore his youth and cheat death? A: The experiment; Q: What mutates Professor Lazarus' DNA? A: dormant genes; Q: What does the experiment unlock in Lazarus' body? A: an evolutionary throwback; Q: What does the experiment turn Lazarus into? A: life energy; Q: What does Lazarus drain from his victims? A: The Doctor; Q: Who uses sound waves from the church organ to kill Lazarus? A: the energy; Q: What does the Doctor reflect from Lazarus's sonic micro-field manipulator? A: Southwark Cathedral; Q: Where did Lazarus flee to? A: the bell tower; Q: Where did Lazarus fall from? A: Martha; Q: Who does the Doctor invite to travel with him full-time? A: a passenger; Q: What was Martha's role in the Doctor's life before? Summary: 76-year-old Professor Richard Lazarus demonstrates his experiment where he uses hypersonic sound waves to restore his youth and cheat death. The experiment mutates his DNA, unlocking dormant genes in his body and turning him into an evolutionary throwback that drains life energy from his victims. The Doctor reflects the energy of Lazarus' sonic micro-field manipulator onto Lazarus, causing him to flee to Southwark Cathedral . The Doctor uses the acoustics of the cathedral to create sound waves from the church organ, which causes Lazarus to fall from the bell tower, finally killing him. The Doctor invites Martha to travel with him full-time rather than her just being a passenger.
On the basketball courts, Jimmy and Derek are playing while Coach Lawrence and Mr. Brooks watch Jimmy: Alright go. Go back. Go back up shop. Derek: Okay come on. (Jimmy grabs the ball from him and Derek falls on the ground.) Derek: Ouch! Mr. Brooks: Good check Jimmy. Good check. Jimmy: Taking it easy on ya. Derek: Does this look easy or painful? Jimmy: Well get up. Derek: Okay. Let's go! (Jimmy makes a couple baskets in a row.) Jimmy: Alright pass it here. Look at that! Oh! Coach Lawrence: He's got a lot of potential, but- (He makes another basket, then goes over to his dad and the coach.) Jimmy: So how'd I do? Good enough to make the tryouts? Scout: Well to be honest you're still a little awkward in your chair, but the National Wheelchair Sports Association likes a competitive edge, and that you've got. Tryouts are Wednesday. Jimmy: Thank you. Thank you. Mr. Brooks: I'm proud of you son. Jimmy: So uh should I book my ticket to China? Say uh 2008? Scout: Let's get past Wednesday. Mr. Brooks: Very good Jimmy. Very good. Uh keep playing with...Derek? Derek: Yup. Mr. Brooks: Work on your chair manoeuvring. He did say you were a little awkward. In the hallway Craig: Jimmy you're not serious. You can't quit the band. Jimmy: Can somebody be happy about this? This is me, Jimmy the athlete. I'm back! Craig: What can I say? We'll miss you in the band, but good luck. Jimmy: Thank you. I appreciate it. Marco: Yeah good luck. Jimmy: Thank you. Hazel: I am happy for you. Welcome back Jimmy Brooks. (She kisses his cheek.) Hazel: So you think you'll make the team? At JT's locker JT: Liberty hold up! You're starting to show. Liberty: People believe what they want to believe okay? And no one wants to believe that their student council president is in her third trimester. JT: Her third tri-what? Liberty: You don't know anything do you? Have you done any research? JT: Yeah I have okay, tons! Okay I'm lying, but the thing is every time I look at those books I, I just get kind of flustered. They freak me out. Liberty: Why am I not surprised? (She walks away and Danny throws a fake baby at JT.) Danny: Heads up! JT: Danny, are you insane? Danny: I'm not the one who missed the flying baby. JT: What is this? Danny: The digital baby. Family planning project. I'm Mr. Mom for a week. JT: Why are you taking family planning? Danny: Why does anyone take it? 'Cause it's a bird course. Plus the class is full of fly mammies and one dude, me! I like those odds. In the cafeteria Ellie: What are you drawing? Jimmy: It's nothing. Ellie: Pencils and paper and leaving a series of marks. Deduction says you're drawing. Jimmy: My dad said he'd get me a new wheelchair if I make the Paralympic team. Handmade design by me. Ellie: What's this? I knew you could get creative with a guitar slide, but this is a whole different... (She looks at pictures of Rick shooting him and Jimmy getting shot.) Ellie: ...and disturbing side of you. Jimmy: It's really just something that started in the hospital to pass the time. It kind of makes me chill. Ellie: These are really good. I don't think you know how good. Outside Jimmy's house, Jimmy is practicing and missing every shot Mr. Brooks: (In Jimmy's head) Work on your chair manoeuvring. He did say you were a little awkward. (Jimmy flashes back to Rick shooting at him and Craig shouting his name. Then he flashes back to Ellie saying his drawings were good.) Mr. Brooks: Jim. You okay? Jimmy: Yeah I'm good to go. Mr. Brooks: Could've fooled me. Jimmy: Dad I'm fine. I just, I just keep losing focus and I don't feel the flow like I used to. Mr. Brooks: That's your stress talking. Making this team is the be all and end all for you. So of course you feel stressed out. It's natural son. Jimmy: You're right. Mr. Brooks: You know 90% of being a champion is mental. Do we need to get you a sports psychologist before the tryout? You worried about letting me down? Jimmy: I'm not! Look, stop worrying about me. I'm gonna do this. Mr. Brooks: Okay. Okay, that's my boy. At Liberty and Danny's house Danny: Liberty your time was up 20 minutes ago. Liberty: Go away. I'm sick. Danny: Yeah well I'm sick too. Sick of waiting for you to get your sorry butt out of the bathroom every morning. (She walks out and makes a face.) Liberty: What is that smell? Danny: Body spray. Yeah it said it'll attract the fly mammies like a s*x magnet. Liberty: Yeah well it's turning my stomach. Danny: Wait. I know what's going on. You're in here blowing chunks every morning like it's going out of style. You're bulimic! Liberty: Yeah I'm bulimic. Brilliant deduction. Danny: Well if you're gonna binge and purge do it somewhere else. Not that it's working Tubbo. In the media immersion room, Ellie sends Jimmy an IM with an add for an art exhibit Ellie: It's an art exhibit, downtown. Jimmy: I'm not really the art exhibit type of guy. Ellie: This is horror comic art from the 50s. Cool, dark, disturbed. Right up your alley. Jimmy: Sounds like, but I got tryouts at 6. Ellie: Oh. Too bad. It's the last day of the exhibit. Jimmy: Look, Ellie I got a lot on my mind. Ellie: All the more reason to go someplace else. In your mind I mean, but whatever. (He instant messages Ellie asking how far away the gallery is and she gives him a thumbs up sign.) Outside the school JT: Liberty we need to talk. Liberty: Not now. My stomach is doing cartwheels. I feel horrid. JT: If you keep acting like you have something to hide, people are gonna start to wonder. Liberty: I get morning sickness... (Danny looks down at his family planning book with a pregnant woman on the cover, then looks at Liberty's stomach.) Danny: No way! Liberty: ...and the amount of time I spend in the bathroom. It's already making some people wonder. You think this has been easy? JT: No. I don't know what to say. Danny: No way! JT I want to talk to you. You got my sister pregnant! I'm gonna kill you! (Danny and JT start rolling around on the ground and Danny starts pushing JT's face in the dirt.) Liberty: Danny stop it! Danny get off him! Danny stop it. Get off him! Stop it! Danny: Liberty how could you let this idiot do that to you? JT: It was an accident. Danny: I was speaking to my sister. Do mom and dad even know? Liberty: Danny I beg you. Please do not tell! At the art exhibit Jimmy: That work in there was sick! That's what I live for. Ellie: Is it okay to be scared right now? So should we go? Don't you have to mentally prepare in your basketball zoney-zone? Jimmy: It's a little crowded in there right now and this is quiet. It's good... (Jimmy turns around and sees a box sitting in the middle of the room.) Jimmy: ...and this is a box? Ellie: You know I think they have lessons here. Jimmy: In uh, proper box placement? Ellie: No! Life drawings, still-lifes, landscapes. You might like it. Jimmy: I just draw stuff I imagine. Stuff I see when I close my eyes. It's like I have a pen in my hand and everything just goes shoooo and then I can say everything I want to say, everything I need to say, right there on the piece of paper. Ellie: You're sounding suspiciously like an artist. Jimmy: An artist. Does that sound like Jimmy Brooks to you? Ellie: I don't know. Does it? (A worker at the art exhibit walks over to them pointing at his watch.) Employee: Ellie, it's closing. Jimmy: It's 5 already? Employee: It's 5 after 6. At the gym for tryouts Jimmy: Dad! Mr. Brooks: (Signals to the coach, then turns back to Jimmy) Coach. Where have you been? You're thirty minutes late. Are you alright? Jimmy: Yeah I was practicing. Preparing mentally. I lost track of time. I'm sorry. Coach Lawrence: Showing up late for tryouts makes us think you don't want the spot. Jimmy: No I want to play sir! I do! Mr. Brooks: Coach Lawrence. This will never happen again. Please let us tryout. I personally assure that Jimmy will be here on time, ready to go. Coach Lawrence: Okay look I'll make an exception for you. Be here tomorrow. I'll get you a spot okay? Jimmy: Thank you coach. I won't let you down. Coach Lawrence: Yeah. (He walks away) Jimmy: You neither dad. I promise. (His dad walks away and Jimmy looks at Ellie frustrated.) At Jimmy's house, Jimmy is practicing in his driveway and the garage door opens up Jimmy: Okay see now you're tempting me. I miss this shot and the lexus wears a dent. Mr. Brooks: Don't miss the shot, or don't take it until you're sitting in this. (He pulls out a brand new wheelchair.) Jimmy: Awesome, but uh what happened to me designing my own? Mr. Brooks: Jim this is top of the line. The Lexus. You've got to have the best if you're gonna be a champion. Jimmy: I don't know what to say. Mr. Brooks: You weren't supposed to get it until after you made the team, but after your little stunt yesterday I thought you might need the incentive. Showing up late and your discipline was questioned. You show up tonight in this, they'll take you seriously. We'll all take you seriously. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the school JT: Danny. Danny: Don't like talking to either of you. JT: I barely slept last night okay? I had nightmares with pitchforks and torches. Danny: And babies? Liberty: Daniel this is serious. You didn't tell mom and dad, right? Danny: If I did you'd know, because you'd both be dead right now. Liberty: Precisely why this needs to remain our secret. Do we have your word? JT: Danny you can't tell anyone. Danny: Oh yes I can idiot! But I won't. So long as you help me and the kid get an A. It's not like you don't need the practice dad. On the basketball court Jimmy: See I'm not getting the fit. Derek: Hey Jim. Someone to see you. (Ellie is standing at the edge of the court.) Ellie: I wanted to apologize. Jimmy: There's nothing to apologize for. Ellie: I made you miss your tryout. Jimmy: I'm getting another chance and besides I had fun with you. Ellie: I'm going to the gallery today to sign up for life drawing classes. I can put your name down too. (Jimmy hesitates.) Ellie: Hey you show talent. This is me encouraging you. Jimmy: This is me thanking you, but no. Ellie: Okay. (Ellie nods and walks away.) Derek: So? Can I ask her out? Jimmy: Just throw me the damn ball. (Derek throws the ball to Jimmy and it hurts his hand.) Jimmy: Ah! Ah! Derek: You okay? Jimmy! In the cafeteria JT: I can't believe I'm skipping bio for this. Danny: Just support it's neck moron and stop complaining. If you'd kept the dime stack in your pants you wouldn't be in this situation. JT: Whatever. Why won't this thing stop crying? Danny: Burp it. JT: I am not burping a doll. Danny: Hmm sensors inside detect no burping, I get a bad grade, everyone finds out your secret. JT: You are just loving this aren't you? In the nurses office, Jimmy is getting his hand bandaged up Hazel: Does it hurt? Jimmy: I'll live. (Jimmy starts kissing Hazel and she pulls away.) Hazel: We're in the nurses office. Jimmy: So? (He tries to kiss her again and she pulls away again.) Hazel: So nothing, just not in the mood. I spoke to your dad. He's worried and after talking to him, so am I. He said you missed your tryouts last night because you were at the art gallery with Ellie Nash. Jimmy: I just needed to focus and it was quiet. Hazel: So is the library. Jimmy: I like art. Hazel: Maybe I like art too. Jimmy: Do you? Really? Hazel: No. I don't. I don't get art at all, but if you were freaked out or losing it, I would have hoped I would be the one you'd go to. Not Ellie. At the gym for tryouts Mr. Brooks: What happened to your hand? Jimmy: It's a little sprain. It's no big deal. Look dad I gotta talk to you about this new chair. It's not riding like my old one. Mr. Brooks: Rides better I'm sure. Same model the team plays in. Jimmy: Yeah dad this isn't helping me. Mr. Brooks: Well how can I help you? I just want you to win son. I want you to feel good about yourself. I want you to be you again. Jimmy: Dad I can't. That's impossible. I'm in a wheelchair okay? I'm never walking again. Mr. Brooks: I know son. Jimmy: No you don't, 'cause you keep trying to bring this old jimmy back. This star player, the athlete. That Jimmy is gone. That Jimmy got shot. Mr. Brooks: Jimmy you're under a lot of pressure right now. Jimmy: You think? And where is that pressure coming from dad? From me? Have you ever asked me just once if I want this. Coach Lawrence: Jimmy, you ready? Jimmy: Yeah. I'm ready. Outside the school, the baby is crying again Danny: The baby's crying. JT: Thanks Yoda. I noticed. Danny: Well make him stop or give him back to me. You're going to make me fail. JT: No I won't. Danny: You will. You suck. JT: I don't suck I just need a little more practice. (They both start grabbing at the baby and fighting for it.) Danny: Yeah. A lifetime's worth! JT: Give me the baby back! (The baby flies out of their hands.) JT and Danny: No! JT: Ah! (The baby goes flying in slow motion through the air, lands on a car and gets run over as JT and Danny watch in horror and people in the background laugh.) Danny: Nice work genius. At the gym, Jimmy is watching the other players Coach Lawrence: Hey you okay to start with free throws? (Jimmy doesn't say anything.) Coach Lawrence: What's the matter? Hand? Jimmy: Look I mean no disrespect at all coach, but all this just isn't for me. Coach Lawrence: So you wasted my time? Jimmy: And I'm sorry for that sir. (Coach Lawrence walks away angry.) Mr. Brooks: What are you doing? Jimmy: Let's just go home. Mr. Brooks: What about the team? Jimmy: Dad. Stop. This is my life, not yours. We got a lot of stuff to talk about. In the hallway Danny: I got an incomplete. Thanks JT. JT: You were the one who blackmailed me okay? Into scamming a good grade. Danny: No I blackmailed you because you're going to have a baby, idiot. Liberty: Shh! Danny: You need to learn this stuff. I just thought I'd help. Liberty: That is the dumbest thing I've heard come out of your mouth. Okay, I've been dealing with this on my own for months. Haven't needed any help so far and I don't now. JT: You're wrong Liberty, okay? We're both totally clueless here. Liberty: Speak for yourself. JT: You are six months pregnant and you haven't even seen a doctor yet. That's not good. Liberty: I'm student council president...okay? I can't be pregnant. I just can't. JT: This isn't just about you. It's about you and this baby, and me. Danny: And me! Hey I'm the uncle here, okay? JT: We'll go to see Ms. Sauvé tomorrow. She'll tell us what to do. In the cafeteria Jimmy: Sorry I didn't call you last night. I was having a long talk with my dad about a lot of stuff. Hazel: You could have e-mailed. I just wanted to know if you made the team. (Jimmy shakes his head no.) Hazel: It's okay. You've been under a lot of stress. You can try again? (Ellie walks by and looks at Jimmy.) Jimmy: That's the thing. I don't want to. Everything I've been through this past year, all the physio, therapy, the training...it's all been to get back to how I was before I got shot. Hazel: And you are. You are back. Jimmy: I'm not. I've changed and I've got to make some changes too. Hazel: No, you're wrong. You haven't changed because when I look in your eyes I still see you. I still see the same old Jimmy. Jimmy: Hazel it's complicated. Hazel: Then explain it to me. Jimmy: I don't know if I can. Hazel: Just try. (Jimmy looks at Ellie who smiles at him, then he looks back at Hazel.) Jimmy: Okay. I'll try. (They smile at each other and Jimmy rubs Hazel's arm.)	Plan: A: Jimmy; Q: Who tries out for the National Wheelchair Sports Association's Junior Basketball Team? A: his art; Q: What does Jimmy want to concentrate on? A: the baby; Q: What do Liberty and J.T. try to keep Danny from telling their parents about? Summary: At his father's urging, Jimmy tries out for the National Wheelchair Sports Association's Junior Basketball Team, even though he wants to concentrate on his art. Meanwhile, Liberty and J.T. attempt to keep Danny from telling their parents about the baby.
(Bailey is in front of the hospital helping Burke who has been shot) MVO: Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive. (Denny's heart monitor is flatlined) George Voice Over: Family. (Denny is lying in bed motionless.) Cristina Voice Over: Love. Izzie Voice Over: sx. Derek Voice Over: But we only need one thing... Burke Voice Over: To actually be alive. (Derek is standing on the balcony overlooking the hospital floor) Cristina Voice Over: We need a beating heart. (Bailey is performing CPR on Burke.) Addison Voice Over: When our heart is threatened... Alex Voice Over: We respond in one of two ways. George: We either run... Burke Voice Over: Or... (Camera switches to Burke's point of view, he is seeing blurry and sees Bailey above him. Burke opens his eyes.) Izzie Voice Over: We attack. Richard Voice Over: There's a scientific term for this. Alex Voice Over: Fight... Addison Voice Over: Or flight. Bailey Voice Over: It's instinct. MVO: We can't control it. (Denny is flatlined and Izzie is standing next to him still holding the scissors.) Izzie Voice Over: Or can we? George: Izzie. His heart's barely beating. We need to call a code. I can't feel a pulse. Izzie, we need to call a code! Izzie: No! I have a plan. George: He's crashing! I need to call the... Izzie: No! If we call a code, they will rush him to surgery and replace his LVAD and then he will stabilize. He needs to get worse if he's gonna get this heart. George: Izzie, this is crazy. Izzie: He has to get this heart. He will die waiting for another chance. You know he will. George: We have to call a code! Izzie: No! You press that code button, I will hurt you. Not a lot, cause we're friends, but enough so that things will break and you will lie on the floor out of my way. George: Izzie... Izzie: You have a decision to make. You can stay here and help me with this or you can go. What's it gonna be, George? (Cristina enters the ER and walks up to Richard.) Cristina: Chief! How bad is it? It looks bad. Um, I'm here. I can help. If there's anything surgical, I can help. Richard: Why don't you go run Trauma 2, Dr. Yang? Cristina: I get to run Trauma 2 all by myself? Richard: Yes, but find me if you need help. And get consults. Cristina: I'm on it. (Cristina runs off to Trauma 2. Richard walks to the entrance where Bailey is wheeling Burke inside.) Richard: How bad is it? Bailey: Uh, GSW to the right shoulder. He's lost a lot of blood. Richard: All right. Get him to Trauma 1 and keep the blinds closed. Yang's on the floor. (Trauma 2) Doctor: Self inflicted GSW to the head. Pulse is thready. Cristina: This guy's the shooter? Doctor: Yep. Emptied his clip, then shot himself. Cristina: And blew off half his head. Ok, ok. Um, push one of epi and get him on the monitor. Doctor: You're running this? Cristina: Damn right, I am. (Burke's ER. Burke is struggling to get off the gurney) Bailey: Hey. Wait. Burke: I'm fine. Richard: You need to lay down. You've lost a lot of blood. Burke: I'm fine. Let go. I'm fine. I have a patient that I have to go check on. Bailey: No, no. No, you are the patient. Lay down! Burke: (Laughing) Dr. Bailey, when did you get here? Richard: Page Shepherd. (Cristina's ER, she is doing CPR on Petey, Derek walks past the window and enters the ER where Burke is. As the door opens, Cristina sees Burke inside.) Cristina: Take over compressions. (Cristina goes into Burke's ER) Cristina: You're shot? Burke: Cristina? Richard: Get back to your station, Yang. Cristina: He's shot? Bailey: Yang, we got it. It's ok. Cristina: That guy shot you. (Cristina goes back into her ER) Cristina: Move. Doctor: He's a lost cause. Cristina: Move. Doctor: He's circling the drain. Cristina: (To Petey) You don't get to kill yourself. You do not get off that easily. Push high dose epi. Doctor: Dr. Yang... Cristina: What? I want to be able to tell his family that I did everything I could to save his pathetic, miserable life. Give him three of epi. Now! (Seattle Scenes) (Mercy West) Alex: We should be hearing from Dr. Burke any minute. Erica: That's what you said half an hour ago. Well, whether or not we hear from him, we hit that hour mark, I'm going in to get my heart. (Burke's ER) Bailey: Ok, no, no exit wound. Derek: Entry upper right shoulder. Could be lodged in the spine. Ok, lets roll him over. Richard: Easy. Derek: Watch the arm. Richard: Easy. Derek: Hey. Dr. Burke? Burke: Hmm? Derek: The bullet is in dangerous property here, ok? We need to check your hand function. Richard: I want you to try and squeeze my fingers, ok? (Cristina enters) Cristina: They moved my guy upstairs. How is he? Bailey: I need you to wait outside. Cristina: I'm not gonna wait outside. Burke? Burke: Can we have a moment? Richard: Only a moment. I don't want to waste any time, ok? Burke: Cristina. Cristina: Honey, you don't have to say anything. I know you're sorry. I know you didn't mean to kick me off the transplant and I'm not mad. I mean, I was, but I'm not anymore. So, don't even think about it. Ok? I mean, all that matters it that you get better and you get through this. And I'm here for you. Whatever you need. Anything. Burke: I need...you...to...to go...to check on Denny Duquette. Cristina: Ok. Burke: Mm-hmm. Cristina: Ok, that was my best "supportive girlfriend" and you kind of ruined it with medicine. Ok? (Adele pulls up a curtain in the ER to reveal Addison walking up) Adele: Addison! Thank you for meeting us. Addison: You wanna tell me what's so important I'm keeping it secret from my Chief of Surgery? (A young lady, Camille is on a hospital bed in full prom attire) Adele: I was chaperoning a prom for my niece. We had a little bit of a situation. Addison: Camille Travis, 17, lost consciousness during sexual intercourse? Adele: Oh, keep it down. Camille: It's ok, Aunt Adele, I'm fine. Adele: When your Uncle Richard finds out you were cashing in your V-card, none of us will be fine. (Two girls and a boy enter in their prom attire) Claire-Camille? Natalie: Mrs. Webber! Claire: My God! Is she ok? Natalie-She has to ok, right? Claire-No one ever died from having sx, right? Brian-You're not going to tell my parents, right? I mean, I even used a condom and everything. (Denny's room. George is looking at a computer while Izzie is manually pumping Denny's heart. Meredith enters) Meredith: George's page said it was an emergency. Izzie: You paged Meredith? George: We need help! Meredith: What the hell is going on? (Cristina enters) Cristina: What the hell is going on? Meredith: Exactly what I said. George: She cut his LVAD wires! Meredith: What do you mean you cut his LVAD wires? Cristina: Are you trying to kill him? Izzie: I'm trying to save him. All I have to do is confirm that his condition is worse, then Burke can call UNOS and he'll move up on the list and he will get his heart. Cristina: About Burke... George: She's gone insane, right? It's not just me? Cristina: About Burke... Izzie: Everything will be fine! Meredith: Izzie! Izzie: When Burke gets here, everything will be fine. He will know what to do. Cristina: About Burke... George: (Loudly) What? Cristina: He's been shot! (George is now pumping Denny's heart) Izzie: Burke's not coming? Meredith: Cristina, are you ok? Cristina: I'm fine. Izzie: Burke's not coming? George: Why didn't I take the internship in San Diego? None of this would be happening if I was in San Diego. Izzie: Burke's not coming. Cristina: No, Izzie. Burke is not coming. I know your having problems here what with your possible murder charges and your unbelievably stupid idea about stealing a heart, but Burke's kind of busy right now! Izzie: Denny's gonna die. Denny's gonna die and I killed him. George: (Yelling) You shouldn't have done it! Meredith: George! George: We have to tell someone. Meredith: No! Denny won't get the heart and Izzie'll get kicked out of the program. Cristina: I'm leaving. George: What? Meredith: Cristina! Cristina: Burke could die, too. Complications arise all the time because of gunshot wounds! You think about that. Izzie: Oh, my God. Cristina: Oh, God. You know what, none of this would have happened, if you were thinking with your head... Izzie: I did what I thought was best! George: Did you think about the rules? Did you think for one second... Meredith: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! No one is leaving. And no one is dying. Denny: Thank you. It was kind of getting on my nerves all this dying talk. Izzie: Denny. Denny: It's ok. I think, uh, maybe we should all listen to Meredith. It looks like she might have a plan. Izzie: You have a plan? Meredith: Just give me a minute. (Outside Camille's room) Adele: You girls should go back to the prom. Claire: Are you gonna call Camille's parents? Adele: Not until I have to. You knew her mom. She gets a little hysterical. (Richard walks up to a nearby nurse's station) Adele: Brian, disappear. Brian: What? Adele: Disappear! Go! Disappear! Richard. Richard. Richard: Adele. Adele: Hmm. Richard: Um, what? Are you here to see Preston? Adele: Preston? No. What happened to Preston? Richard: Preston was shot. Adele: Preston was shot? Richard: Yeah. (Richard peeks through the window over Adele's shoulder and sees Camille inside. She is now wearing a hospital gown.) Richard: Camille. What happened to Camille? Adele: Richard... Richard: Why didn't you call me? Adele: She's 17, sweetheart. She'll be 18 in a few months. Most girls lose it way before... Richard: Uh-huh! Do you think I want to hear that? Do you think I wanna picture my baby niece..."losing it"? Adele: Richard, Richard, take deep breaths. (Addison walks out of Camille's room and up to them) Addison: Well, the bleeding has stopped, but her pelvic exam does concern me. I'd like to do an ultrasound. Richard: Three years ago, Camille was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They only removed one ovary to try and preserve fertility, but her checkups have been clean since then. Addison: Ok. Well, let's not worry until we have to. (Brian walks by) Richard: You! You wait right there! I want to talk to you! (Adele motions for him to run and Brian starts to run away) I said wait. Stop! I said stop! Adele: Richard, take deep breaths! Richard! (Denny's room) George: Oh, that's a stupid plan! Meredith: Well, if Burke isn't coming, then we have to confirm Denny's condition ourselves. We get the blood work. We do the echo. And no one even has to know what Izzie did. Izzie: But none of us have done an echo on our own before. Meredith: Cristina has. Burke taught her. Cristina: I'm not involved. Izzie: What if this were Burke? What if you were me? Cristina: This is bad. This is bad and serious and against a lot of rules. It's not fun for me. I don't wanna play. Izzie: What if you were me? Cristina: Well, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a patient. Izzie: You fell in love with an attending. Cristina: Well, so did Mer. What's the point? Meredith: The point is, we can't help who we fall in love with. George: Yeah. Izzie: Yeah. (Burke's room) Derek: His hands are cold. Burke: My hands are always cold. Richard: You hand is cold, Preston. Burke: I have cold hands. (Derek and Richard look at the X-rays) Richard: The bullet could be lodged in the brachial plexus. That's dangerous. Derek: Yes, very dangerous. Burke: My hands are always cold. Richard: We'll have to do an angiogram. Derek: Yeah. Burke: I'm always cold. (Burke's monitor starts beeping) Derek: Trachea's deviated to the right! Richard: Absent breath sound on the right side! Lets go! Lets go! Lets go! Derek: 14 gage angio Richard: Gotta hurry! Derek: Dr. Burke? Dr. Burke? You gotta stay with me now. There you go. That's it. There you go! You're all right. Right here. Right here. Your lung collapsed. You're ok. You're ok now. (Mercy West, Alex in on the phone with Meredith) Alex: He's been shot? Dude. Meredith: We're gonna have to run these tests ourselves. Alex: UNOS gave us an hour. In a couple of minutes, our time is up. I'm telling you, this chick is hardcore. She's not gonna wait. Meredith: Ok, well, you just have to stall her. Alex: I'm not getting involved with this. Look I don't care if that drawling bedridden whiner ever gets a heart. Meredith: Alex. Do this. For Izzie. Alex: I'm not guaranteeing anything. (Camille's room) Natalie: So...was it totally romantic? Claire: Yeah, before...the pain and the paramedics and everything? Camille: Ok, so...you know that feeling when you look into someone's eyes and you're totally comfortable and you aren't self-conscious and everything just...is, like, perfect? Addison: Camille, have you had any symptoms, um...any abdominal pain? Nausea? Anything? Claire: No, she's been fine. Addison: You haven't been fine, have you? Camille: No, not for, like, a month or so. Natalie: You've been feeling sick for a month? Camille: I wanted to go to prom. I, I...I didn't want to be the girl with cancer, again. Claire: You're not. She's not, right? (Addison walks up to Adele) Addison: Hey. Adele: Oh. I was just trying to remember the night I lost my virginity. And I can't. I remember who it was with and I remember I was 18, but...I can't remember any of the details. Addison: I can remember all of the details. Kind of wish I couldn't. Adele: That bad? Addison: No, just not good. Good came later. And then really good came. Adele: That little girl in there's just getting started. She hasn't even seen what good is yet. Please. Addison. Tell me she's going to have a chance to see what the good stuff is. (Addison doesn't say anything but from the look on her face you can tell the answer is no) Adele: Oh. Addison: I'm so sorry, Adele. (Denny's room) Izzie: How's his heart looking? Cristina: His left ventricle's shot and he's barely pushing blood out. Izzie: I'm sorry. I know that you're worried about Burke. Cristina: You know, whatever. It's fine. Izzie: Cristina, can't you just try to understand? I love him. Cristina: You don't even know him. Izzie: I do know him. Cristina: No. You've never even seem him outside the four walls of this hospital. You don't know him. Izzie: I know him. Maybe I don't live with him or work with him like you do with Burke, but I do know him. And there's...there's possibility here. And given the choice of running or staying... Cristina: You should run. A sane person, a person who values her career and everything she's worked for, a person who values her own heart, for God's sake...that person would run. Denny: A sane person...would marry me. Izzie: What? What did you say? What did he say? He said marry me? He said marry me, right? George: He did. Izzie: Denny. Wake up. Denny. (Monitor starts beeping loudly) George: What's happening? Izzie: I'm pumping harder. I don't know. Meredith: He's flatline. Cristina: No, no, no. He's not flatline. There's movement in his heart. Ok, um, uh, lets shock him. Uh, charge the defibrillator. Izzie: Ventilate George! George: I am. Izzie: Charging to 200! Cristina: You got it? Izzie: Yeah. Clear. (Mercy West) Erica: Is Dr. Burke alive? Alex: Yes. Erica: Shame. He'd probably have made a good donor. (To her team) Ok, people, let's get our organs and get out of here. Alex: Hey! That heart is not yours yet. Seattle Grace is still waiting for test results. Erica: Well, I'm not. Ten blade. Alex: You can't do that. Erica: I just did. [SCENE_BREAK] (Richard walks down a set of stairs into the waiting room, which is full of teenagers dressed in their prom attire.) Richard: Girls. Claire: Um, I called Jillian. Natalie: And I called Tessa. Claire: And then they called Simon and Bianca and Deborah. Richard: Girls... Natalie: It's her prom, Dr. Webber. She can't miss her whole prom! So...we, like, brought it to her. Richard: (Loudly) Kids! Kids! Listen up. Look, I know you wanted to see Camille. Why don't you come back tomorrow? During the day. In smaller groups. (Quietly) Look, I'm sorry, girls. I can't have a bunch of teenagers running in the hallways. People are sick. People are d... Claire: Dying? Yeah, we know. (Burke's room) Derek: How're you doing? Burke: I'm developing numbness in my...fourth and fifth fingers. Derek: And there's a pseudo-aneurysm in the subclavian artery. You know the drill. Wait a few days, maybe the aneurysm won't grow. Burke: Yeah, if...if it stays this size, there's too much damage. Derek: We'll just go in there and we'll fix it. Relieve the compression on the nerves. Burke: But the operation could cause damage to the nerves. Derek: Yes. Burke: And I could...lose function of the entire arm. Derek: Yes. Burke: You can do this? You're good enough to do this? Derek: I think so. Burke: But you're not sure. Derek: But I'm not sure. Burke: So...what do I do? Derek: It's not like you to ask those kind of questions. Burke: It's not like you not to have the answers. (Adele walks up to Richard who is standing at the nurse's station) Adele: How dare you send those kids away? Richard: Adele. Please. You're emotional. Ok? Adele: I just told my sister her baby's cancer is back. You're damn right, I'm emotional. If you don't want to bend your precious rules for Camille, fine. Don't do it for her. Do it for me. Do it for your wife who never asks you for anything. Who says nothing about your long hours. Who looks the other way while you have an affair with another woman. Who sobered you up when that woman left you. Who stayed with you when everyone, everyone said I would be better off alone. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you, you're going to make this up to Camille. You're gonna prioritize the needs of your family above those of your other patients. Or...you're going to find a new place to sleep. (Derek is walking through the hall, Addison walks up behind him.) Addison: Derek. Derek: Not now, Addison. Addison: Derek. Derek: Not now. (Derek enters a dark conference room) Richard: There's never a good place to hide in this hospital. Derek: I'm trying to get perspective. Everything feels enormous. Like it's all just...I ...I can't get perspective. Richard: My niece's cancer has come back. She's 17 years old and she's going to die. Plus...25 years ago, I had a secret affair with...Ellis Grey. And today, I find out that my wife knew the entire time. There was no...secret. And she stayed with me. Derek: Hmm. I respect him, you know? Dr. Burke...I...I respect him. He's decent. He's honorable. An arrogant ass who just hogs the OR but thinks he's God, but...he's decent and he's honorable. I respect him. He's one of the foremost cardiothoracic surgeons in the country and I've gotta just...it's his hand. I cannot get perspective. I can't do this. I can't be responsible for it. Richard: Preston's an honorable and decent man, but, Derek, so are you. You are honorable and decent. And you're too honorable and decent to run. (Looks at his coffee cup) You don't know how much I wish this was bourbon. (Burke's room, Bailey enters) Bailey: Anything I can get for you, Dr. Burke? Burke: No. I'm fine. Bailey: Um, there...there must be something. Burke: It would be nice...to have some ice chips. And a touch of morphine if I'm allowed. And, uh...Cristina. Bailey: Coming right up. Where is Cristina? Where are...where are all of the suck-ups? Burke: Excuse me? Bailey: My interns. My ass kissing, surgery-hungry, competitive suck-ups. Where are they? Why aren't they here fetching you ice chips and morphine? Why aren't they here sucking up? You know something. Burke: I'm a patient. Bailey: Preston Xavier Burke...what have you done with my suck-ups? (Denny's room) Izzie: What do we do? What do we do? Meredith: I'm starting dopamine and dobutamine drips. We can use those together, right? What about milrinone? Izzie: I don't know. Cristina: You know, none of us do. Just start the dobutamine and dopamine. George: What about...what about...gluceratide? That might help. Denny: I feel like my chest is running away. Meredith: His heart rate's 217. Izzie: He's in SVT. Cristina: No, no. Izzie, stop pumping. Stop. George: No, there's no change. Meredith: We need that medicine? Izzie: What medicine? Meredith: I'll know it when I see it. George: I think...the one that stops the heart. Here hold the mask. Denny: No. The whole point is to keep my heart beating. Izzie: No, no, no. It only stops it for six seconds. George: Meredith, it's adenosine. Cristina: Uh, his heart is speeding up! Guys! Izzie: You guys! We have to do something! He cannot take this for much longer. George: What about shocking him? Meredith: Found it! George: Cristina, come over here. Lift up his arm. The nurses always lift the arm when they push adenosine. It gets to the heart faster. Izzie: Ok, Denny. You're gonna feel, um... Denny: Izzie! Izzie: No, it's ok. It's ok. It just feels like... Denny: I'm gonna die. Izzie: You're not gonna die, I promise. It's the meds. Cristina: Yeah, we're heading back to flatline. Are you sure we used the right drugs? George: The book said it was right. Meredith: I used the one I know. Izzie: He's not going to die, right? Right? Right? (Flatline for six seconds then heart begins beating again. Bailey enters) Bailey: You fools better have a good explanation for this. Step away from the patient. (Everyone steps back except Izzie) Step away from the patient. Izzie: I can't. I have to pump his heart. (Bailey notices the cut LVAD wire) Bailey: Olivia, take over for Dr. Stevens. Izzie, you're done here. I need you to leave the room. Olivia: Izzie... Izzie: No! Do not touch me! Bailey: Olivia, stay with Dr. Stevens. Help her if she'll let you. You three. Outside. Now! Where was rational thought? Where was cognitive thinking? First do no harm? The morals, the ethics? Where was sanity when you three decided to help that girl? Meredith: We didn't... Bailey: No, no. No speaking. Nobody speaks. I do not want to have to testify against any of you in a court of law. Not one word. She cut his LVAD wire. (George clears his throat) Look, I said no speaking! George: I didn't say anything! Bailey: Then no moving! Cristina. Burke is asking for you. Go! I'm assuming you ran labs? I'm asking a question. Answer me! Meredith: You said no speak... Bailey: I know what I said. Meredith: Yes. Bailey: O'Malley, get me the lab results. Do not pass go. Do not even talk to another living soul. Get the labs! Get back here! Grey...come with me. (Cristina is standing outside of Burke's room) Cristina: How are you? You look good. Are those your films? Oh, Burke... Burke: Shepherd, uh, doesn't know if he can fix my hand. Maybe I'll wait it out. See if this numbness subsides. Cristina: Yeah. Burke: Or I could let Shepherd operate. Cristina: Yeah. Yeah. Burke: I could lose all hand function. What if I can never operate again? Cristina: Yeah. Burke: Cristina: Cristina: Yeah. Burke: Stop saying yeah. Cristina: Ok. Burke: I need...I need...you said you were here. For me. Cristina: Yeah. Oh, sorry. Burke: Cristina. Cristina: Hmm? Burke: I need you to tell me...what you think I should do. Cristina: I...I...I told Dr. Bailey that I would be back. Ok? I...I told her that I wouldn't be long. Burke: Cristina... Cristina: I'm...I'm...I'm...going to think about it. I mean...I'm going to think about it. Ok? (Cristina enters a dark closet. She just stands there breathing deeply.) (Denny's room) Bailey: How you feeling Denny? Denny: Really, really good. Like an athlete or a superhero. Or some other kind of really healthy person. Izzie: You're funny. You're a funny guy. Meredith: Izzie. No speaking. Denny: I cut my own LVAD wires, you know? I went rogue. All by myself. Bailey: Shush. You're weak enough as it is. Please don't waste energy on lying. (Cristina enters the room) Izzie: Dr. Bailey? Bailey: I did indeed say no speaking. Izzie: I don't care! He's gonna get the heart right? You're gonna sign the charts and talk to the transplant coordinator? (George enters the room) George: Here are the labs. Izzie: See? See, his BUN and creatinine are increasing. He clearly has pulmonary edema. He deserves to move up to 1-A status on the transplant list. UNOS will give him the heart. You just have to call. Bailey: Isobel Stevens, I take my medical advice from doctors. You are a visitor. Izzie: What? Bailey: As of now, you are a visitor in this hospital. You will not be a doctor in this hospital again until I decide you are. Olivia, take over the heart pump. Izzie: He gets the heart though, right? (Bailey walks up to Richard who is standing at a nurse's station.) Bailey: Sir? Uh, I need to ask you a hypothetical question. Richard: Can we do this another time? Bailey: Uh, if someone on the staff deliberately unhooked a transplant candidate from his LVAD in an attempt to worsen his condition and get him moved up on the donor list...? Hypothetically, sir. Richard: I think you need to tell me exactly what's going on here, Dr. Bailey: Believe me, sir, you want this to stay a hypothetical. Because I'm thinking if something like that did happen, you'd be duty bound to report it and the hospital would be in danger of losing its accreditation as a transplant site. Richard: So hypothetically? Bailey: Hypothetically, if the patient got worse, would it be unethical for him to receive the heart even though, medically, his worsened condition now puts him at the top of the donor list? Hypothetically? Richard: How bad is he? Bailey: In the few hours it would take a new LVAD to be delivered, he'll be dead. Richard: Our responsibility is to the patient. If, medically, he's at the top of the list, then he should get the heart. Hypothetically. Bailey: Thank you, sir. (she starts to walk away) Richard: But practically? Whoever removed the patient from the LVAD, I expect to be given names and there will be severe, severe consequences. Bailey: Yes, sir. (Mercy West, Dr. Hahn is walking down the hall carrying a cooler. She passes Alex who is on the phone.) Alex: Wait. Hold on. Dr. Hahn? Dr. Hahn! Erica: Can't stop now, Karev. I only have a few hours to get this heart into my guy. Alex: Dr. Hahn. (She stops, and has a knowing look on her face.) Erica: UNOS gave the heart to Seattle Grace. Alex: The transplant coordinator already called and stopped your guy from being prepped. Erica: Oh, come on! He has kids. They're four and five. Do you know how long he's been waiting for this? He's a good person. He deserves a heart. Alex: I'm sorry. Erica: I'll bet you are. Alex: No. I am. Believe me. (She hands Alex the heart.) Alex: Listen, we have a chopper waiting on the roof. Erica: And? (Seattle scenes) (Burke's room, Derek is there) Derek: You could take up fishing. Burke: I don't fish. Derek: Fishing's a lot more fun than surgery. Burke: I have 80 percent hand function now. Derek: Hmm. 80 percent's not enough. Not for you. Burke: Fishing, huh? Derek: You don't fish. (Roof of SGH, the chopper lands and Erica gets out with Alex. SGH hallway, Izzie is escorting Denny through the hall. Bailey gives her a nasty look and he enters the OR area. Burke is going into surgery.) Burke: Shepherd. Derek: You don't have to thank me. I'm sure you'll return the favor one day. Burke: I was going to say, please try not to kill me. (Everyone in the OR laughs) Derek: I'll do my best. Burke: Ok. (Denny's OR. Dr. Hahn is performing the transplant.) Erica: Hmm. Look at that thing. (She lifts out Denny's heart) Alex: Left ventricle's excessively dilated. Bailey: He wouldn't have lasted another hour with this heart. Erica: No, he wouldn't have. (Burke's OR) Derek: Ok, retract that little bit right there. Ok, I am now removing the aneurysm from the nerve cluster. Doctor: NAPs are dropping. Intern: Arterial pressure's down 50 percent. Richard: Did you cut the nerve root? Derek: I don't see any discontinuity of the nerves. All right, lets do a, um, reflex test on his hand. Chief. Richard: Ok. Nothing. Derek: Damn it. Try it again. Richard: Uh-uh. Derek: This doesn't make sense. I'd know if I severed a nerve. Richard: Derek, is the arm paralyzed? Derek: I have to do a wake-up test. Richard: Derek. Derek: There's only one person who can help me figure out whether or not I've damaged the relay or not, and that's Burke. Richard: He's been through a lot of trauma today. Derek: I'm trying to prevent the trauma he's going to feel if I have to tell him he's paralyzed. (George, Cristina, Izzie and Meredith are sitting on the floor below the OR board.) George: Bailey's treating us like we're children. We're not children. We shouldn't have to sit out here like we're on a time out, or something. Meredith: It is a time out. What we did is way in need of a time out. Cristina: You realize we could get kicked out of the program for this? Izzie: Not we. I did this. I did this. And you're probably right. Maybe I should run. But I'd rather be running towards somebody than running away. (Richard walks into the hall) Richard: Yang? Shepherd's asking for you. Cristina: Uh, for Burke's surgery? Richard: Yes. Hurry up. Cristina: Uh...I-I can't. I'm...I'm in a time out. Richard: Time out's over. Right now. Cristina: Yes, sir. Richard: Yang, we need you. (Richard and Cristina walk off) Izzie: He said marry me, right? He did? That really happened? George: It really happened. ' Meredith: It really did. Izzie: Screw this. I'm checking on Denny. (Izzie walks off) (Burke's OR) Derek: Ok. How we doing? Doctor: He's just at the edge of consciousness. Very light. He should be up soon. Derek: Ok. Yang? You're up. Cristina: Oh...what? I'm sorry. What do you need me to do? Derek: When he comes to he's doing to be disoriented and he's probably gonna fight the intubation. We can't numb the arm because we need him to move his fingers. So, he's gonna be in a lot of pain. So we need you to keep him focused, ok? Cristina: Ok. Yeah. Derek: Ok, let's, let's wake him up. Cristina: Burke? (George and Meredith are still sitting in the hallway.) Meredith: Thank you. For calling me about Izzie. George: Hey, I didn't do you any favors. Meredith: Well, it meant something that you called. It meant something to me. George: It didn't mean anything. Meredith: Right. Ok. Sorry. George: Stop saying that you're sorry! You want to know something? I knew. I knew you didn't feel that way about me. Even during...when we were in bed, I knew. I knew and I still let it happen. Because...um...I...I figured that one night with you was better than never. So will you just stop saying that you're sorry cause you didn't know any better. But I did. And...I'm sorry. (They look at each other) George: I'm sorry, Meredith. (Burke's OR) Cristina: Burke, it's Cristina. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Burke. Baby, wake up. Do it for me. Open your eyes. Hi! (He starts fighting) Derek: Get ready. Get ready. Hold him down. Calm him down. Richard: Yang! Derek: Cristina, get in there. Get in his face. Talk to him, Cristina. Richard: Yang! Derek: Get in there. Hold him down. Hold him down. Calm him down. Cristina. (Denny's OR) Erica: Scissors. Alex: It's beautiful work, Dr. Hahn. Erica: The hard part is still to come. All right, let's start taking him off bypass. See if this heart will beat on it's own. Bailey: Nothing. Erica: All right come on, Denny. Beat for me. (Burke's OR) Derek: Cristina! Hold him down, Chief. Hold his arm. Preston? Preston, look at me. Look at me. Right here. Listen, listen. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Listen, there was a complication. We can fix it. We need you to move your fingers on your right side. Can you do that? Come on, you can do this. Look at me. Look at me. On your right hand. Ok? I know, I know. It's just you and me. We can do this. Ok. Come on. Focus. Focus. Now you're going to move your fingers on your right hand. Can you do that? Come on, Preston. You can do it. Move your fingers. Move your fingers. Come on. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on. (Denny's OR) Bailey: No response. Charge to 20. Erica: Clear. Come on. Come on. Come on. (Alex looks up and sees Izzie in the gallery) (Burke's OR, he is still coughing.) (Denny's OR, Erica is still massaging the heart.) Erica: Come on (Burke's OR, still focused on his hand) (Denny's OR, Izzie watching intently from the gallery)	Plan: A: three; Q: How many parts are there to the story arc? A: The interns; Q: Who helps Izzie keep Denny alive after she's cut his LVAD wire? A: Denny; Q: Who asks Izzie to marry him? A: (LVAD) wire; Q: What did Izzie cut in Denny's left ventricular assist device? A: surgery; Q: What must Derek perform on Burke's shoulder? A: irreparable damage; Q: What is the risk to Burke's nerves? A: Cristina; Q: Who freezes in the OR during Burke's surgery? A: the O.R.; Q: Where does Cristina freeze during Burke's surgery? A: Webber; Q: Who discovers that his niece's cancer has returned? A: Adele; Q: Who reveals to Webber that she knew about his affair with Ellis Grey? A: Alex; Q: Who fights for Denny's heart at Mercy West? A: Dr. Hahn; Q: Who does Alex offer to scrub in at Denny's surgery? A: his fingers; Q: What part of Burke's body is unable to move after the heart has been inserted? Summary: Part two of a three-part story arc. The interns help Izzie keep Denny alive after she's cut his left ventricular assist device (LVAD) wire. Derek must perform surgery on Burke's shoulder and risk doing irreparable damage to the nerves. Cristina freezes in the O.R. during Burke's surgery. Webber discovers his niece's cancer has returned. Adele reveals to Webber that she knew about his affair with Ellis Grey. Alex fights for Denny's heart at Mercy West, eventually offering Dr. Hahn the chance to scrub in at the surgery as Burke has been shot. Before surgery, Denny asks Izzie to marry him. However, after the heart has been inserted, it does not beat and back in Derek's OR, Burke still cannot move his fingers.
"The Verdict in the Story" [SCENE_BREAK] (Open: Booth and Brennan arrive at a crime scene) BOOTH: Bones, you are not going to believe this one. BRENNAN: Well, you said that about the guy who was stuffed inside a huge truck tire. I believed that. BOOTH: Yeah, that was a good one. This is a whole new level of weird. (Camera pulls back to reveal a skeleton. It's feet and hands are tied together behind it's back and it's resting on a pile of bricks.) BRENNAN: Whoa. I don't believe it. BOOTH: Mhm. What did I tell ya? BRENNAN: How could this happen? BOOTH: Whoa, well, um...Maybe he was rolled up in a carpet. BRENNAN: (laughs) Where's the carpet? BOOTH: Well, it rotted away. You know, with the meaty parts. (Brennan starts laughing hysterically) BOOTH: What? It's possible. BRENNAN: (still laughing) That - that would've, that would've taken thousands of years. Um, uh. The bones should be in a pile but. (cracks up again) something is holding them together and - (Brennan laughs uncontrollably) BOOTH: What is with you? BRENNAN: (still laughing) Rolled in a carpet!? "Meaty parts!" (Caroline enters wearing a hard hat.) CAROLINE: Excuse me? BRENNAN: (still laughing) Ah, uh...oh. CAROLINE: What is so funny? BRENNAN: Nothing. (she tries to stop the laughter) CAROLINE: I should hope not because there's a dead body deserving of respect right in front of you. What happened to him? (Brennan cracks up again) CAROLINE: I did not know she could laugh. BOOTH: What are you doing at the crime scene? CAROLINE: Dr. Brennan is suspended from all crime-related duties. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: What? For laughing at Booth? BOOTH: That really doesn't bother me. CAROLINE: We have a date for your father's murder trial. Booth is the arresting officer. You can't work together until it's over. BRENNAN: This is not necessary. BOOTH: They don't need to separate us. BRENNAN: I'm very compartmentalized. BOOTH: Very compartmentalized. CAROLINE: Take it up with the FBI, Cherie. (Caroline leaves) BOOTH: Well, that sucks. BRENNAN: This one looked really interesting. BOOTH: Yeah. Really, really interesting. Well, I'll let you know what happens. BRENNAN: You're not going to solve it without me. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, Brennan and Sweets are sitting and eating) BOOTH: I mean, there's no use in doing partners' therapy when we aren't partners. SWEETS: What? You split up? BOOTH: We got split up. BRENNAN: The FBI says we can't work together. SWEETS: Why? BOOTH: Brennan's dad murdered the deputy director of the FBI. BRENNAN: His trial begins next week. SWEETS: I should have been informed. BRENNAN: Of the trial? Why? BOOTH: Oh, because Sweets did the psychological profile of Max for the prosecution. BRENNAN: What? Why didn't you tell me before? SWEETS: Why is that important to you? BOOTH: Sweets! No therapy! Didn't I just - listen. (to Brennan) Because while it wouldn't matter to say - a normal person - I just figured you wouldn't care. BRENNAN: You're absolutely right. SWEETS: Dr. Brennan. Everyone you work with, including your therapist.. BOOTH: Former therapist. SWEETS: Is endeavoring to imprison your father. That's wicked stressful. BRENNAN: Booth is right, it doesn't bother me. SWEETS: No, Booth is wrong. Yes, it does. May I suggest that this is a golden opportunity for you to feel a situation rather than simply rationalize it? BRENNAN: I'm fine. SWEETS: If you were fine, you'd be balled up in the corner, weeping, or semi-catatonic. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Does that sound fine to you? BOOTH: I'm sorry, Bones, but I'm gonna have to agree with Sweets on this one. SWEETS: I think it's important that you know that we know that the colder and more objective you appear on the outside, the more pain you're feeling on the inside. BRENNAN: I'm fine. SWEETS: No. You're not. BOOTH: (getting up) Well, Sweets. I'm - I'm gonna miss you. It was a real pleasure working with you. SWEETS: Really? You are? BRENNAN: (gets up) I, too, find him intriguing in a non-rigorous, pragmatically irrelevant kind of way. BOOTH: I agree with what she said. BRENNAN: Thank you for trying to help Booth and me work together. BOOTH: Thanks, Sweets. SWEETS: You're welcome...but honestly, guys...we- BOOTH: Will you pick this up? The tab? (Booth and Brennan head out of the diner) SWEETS: (calling after them as they walk out) Yeah, sure. We can keep working together - (sighs) Lame. I thought I was doing a good job. (Opening Credits) (Cut to: Federal Detention Facility - Visiting Room. Brennan, Russ, Max, and his lawyer David Barron meet with Clark Edison, who will be the forensic expert on the case.) MAX: No offense, but I would feel better if the famous Dr. Temperance Brennan was my scientific mouthpiece. RUSS: (to Clark) Have you done this before? BRENNAN: This is not Clark's first trial. MAX: Oh, he's a full-grown scientist? CLARK: I shave sir. I have a driver's license. I've won a couple fist fights. I've saved a life. I've lain with woman. I've been hustled at pool. I've defied my father's wishes. I have broken hearts and I have been heartbroken. So, by all the markers of this society, I am a grown man. MAX: Oh. You "lain with woman"? RUSS: Is he gonna talk like that at dad's trial? BARRON: Listen, Max. I would have Clark list his qualifications for you right now, but that would spoil the surprise when they read them out in court. BRENNAN: Clark is the last forensic anthropologist that I'd want to be up against in a court of law. RUSS: What about that genius kid at your lab? MAX: The oversized eyes and the toaster head? That guy? CLARK: I'm sorry if my normal sized head and eyes diminish your confidence. BRENNAN: Zack is working for the prosecution. MAX: Okay. (he reaches for Clark's hand) Welcome aboard, kid. RUSS: Dad... CLARK: Thank you. (Max tightens his grip) Are you seriously squeezing my hand that hard? BRENNAN: Give Clark his hand back, Dad! (Max lets go) CLARK: Thanks. RUSS: We'll wait outside, Tempe. MAX: I still wish you were going to be my scientist. BRENNAN: Here. (she takes out a long box and puts it on the table) You should wear this tie in the courtroom. MAX: Oh! But it's - it's a grey tie. BRENNAN: Apparently, the color grey tells the jury that you are a serious man with good judgment MAX: Yeah, or that I'm drab BRENNAN: I can't stop this from happening. MAX: What do you mean? BRENNAN: Booth, Hodgins, Zack, Angela, Caroline - they're all my friends but I can't- MAX: Hey, listen. I know you love me, alright? I can see it even if nobody else can so that's something you don't have to worry about. (Brennan looks like she might cry and Max reaches for her hand and they have a moment. He then raises her hand and kisses it. She does love him.) MAX: I'll wear the tie. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab- Forensics Platform. Angela, Zack, Hodgins and Cam are watching from outside the platform as Brennan, David Barron and Clark re-examine the remains.) ANGELA: I hate this. I hate it. CAM: What? Strangers on our forensic platform? HODGINS: Ange doesn't like that we're on different sides. ANGELA: All of us together and Brennan alone. ZACK: Not alone. She's with those African American people. (Cam, Hodgins & Angela turn and look at him) CAM: This is not a competition. HODGINS: I'm pretty sure the reason they call the justice system "adversarial" is that it is competitive. CAM: No. It's not a competition between us and Brennan. This is just an unfortunate situation. ANGELA: Yeah. Yeah. It's an unfortunate situation. If Brennan understands that we're aren't crazily competitive about it then we'll all come through this with our friendships in tact. ZACK: Besides, Dr. Brennan must realize that we're going to destroy them. (They turned to look at Zack again) HODGINS: I'll explain "crazily competitive" to Zack over and over again until he gets it. CAM: Okay. Prosecution briefing in 20 and Caroline does not tolerate tardiness. (They leave) CLARK: Well, I've reviewed the physical evidence as compiled by Dr. Addy and provided by the prosecution BRENNAN: What do you think? CLARK: There are always judgment calls but it holds together. I may feel better about our position once I do my own intensive examination. BARRON: Tell me the first thing that occurs to you when you look at the x-rays and skeletal remains of the victim. CLARK: The killer was merciful. BRENNAN: That is completely unscientific. BARRON: The victim was stabbed several times, set on fire and gutted. Where's the mercy? CLARK: Death was instantaneous. A single blow to the mastoid process so zero pain. Guts, stabs, burns - all that occurred post-mortem. BARRON: Mercy. BRENNAN: Zack will be the more precise expert witness. BARRON: Clark will be the more understandable and persuasive. CLARK: In prosecution, scientific objectivity is seen as a virtue. BARRON: In defense, we humanize the accused. BRENNAN: I accept your logic. BARRON: I'm gonna put some effort into making Dr. Addy look bad. I'd appreciate it if the jury didn't see you doubting me. BRENNAN: Well, that will be difficult because my father actually is guilty. BARRON: Dr. Brennan. I need that to be the last time you speak those thoughts aloud. BRENNAN: Why? BARRON: Because what we think about the client's guilt or innocence is irrelevant. It's their job to prove your father is guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt. (to Clark) How much time do you need with the skeleton? CLARK: As much as you can get me. (to Brennan) I'd also like to take a look at your case files if I might. BRENNAN: Why? CLARK: Because you taught Dr. Addy. I'd like to get a feel for who I'm up against. (Cut to: FBI - Conference Room. Caroline is briefing the team - minus Brennan - to prepare them for the trial.) CAROLINE: I'm gonna say to you what I always say to you before a trial because this one is no different than any other trial. ZACK: You've never said that before. CAROLINE: What? HODGINS: You've never told us that a trial is no different from any other trial. ZACK: Which suggests that this one is different. CAROLINE: Have you no control over these people? CAM: None whatsoever. BOOTH: Look, Caroline. It's Bones. It's different. Let's just admit that. CAROLINE: Here's what's not different. Lose the "Cocky" belt buckle. (pan to Booth's belt buckle) No badges saying "Resist Authority" or "The Truth is Out There". (pan to a pin on Hodgins's jacket). Do not cut your own hair the day before a trial. (pan to Zack). (to Angela) Ugly up a little. The plain women on the jury hate you. (to Sweets) Use your fully grown-up words. (to Cam) Eat. Last time, your stomach was growling louder than your testimony. CAM: Then don't put me on first thing in the morning. SWEETS: I assure you I will be totally, awesomely mature on the stand. ANGELA: Ms. Julian, I'm not taking the stand. CAM: You have to. ANGELA: Look, I'm not gonna tell anybody else what to do here but I'm not testifying. (Angela gets up and walks out) CAROLINE: Booth? BOOTH: Right. Okay. Listen up, people. Bones, she believes in the system. She finds out that Angela is not going to testify, she's not going to like it. Okay? She'd want all of us to do our jobs. SWEETS: Dr. Brennan does seem to have an enviable, if somewhat disturbing, ability to compartmentalize. (to Caroline) Hey. How- how's that for fully grown-up vocab? CAM: Clean and detached, people. Just the way Dr. Brennan likes it. ZACK: I have no problem. HODGINS: I'll ask Dr. Brennan directly. If she says okay, then I'm onboard. CAROLINE: See you all in court. BOOTH: Listen, Caroline. You know, when I'm actually testifying the jury's not gonna see my belt buckle cause it's below... CAROLINE: This briefing is over, Cherie. BOOTH: Yeah, ya see, when I stand the tie kind of covers... (Cut to: United States Court House.) JUDGE HADDOES: I am Judge Marcus Haddoes. This is my court. When you swear to God to tell the truth, you look at my face, because in this courtroom I may not actually be God, but I sure as hell am the next best thing. You people watching: At heart, I am a shy man so I would be perfectly happy to kick all of you out given the slightest excuse. Ms. Julian, opening statement. CAROLINE: I'm the prosecutor in this trial and it's my job to prove to you that Max Keenan murdered FBI Deputy Director Robert Kirby. BARRON: My Client had motive to kill the victim. Motive, means and opportunity like many, many others. CAROLINE: Deputy Director Kirby was a bad piece of work. Corrupt. A cold-blooded killer. BARRON: He had many, many enemies who wanted him dead. CAROLINE: They're gonna say that Kirby intended to murder Max Keenan and his family - that's them there - (she points to Russ and Brennan) - that beautiful, young, woman and that fine, young man - putting the concept of self-defense into your head. BARRON: The prosecution will produce no eyewitness and no proof beyond circumstantial conjecture and trace evidence. CAROLINE: Dr. Temperance Brennan here is one of the finest forensic anthropologists in the country. She's renowned for her integrity, for her professional reputation. She's also the defendant's daughter. BARRON: Dr. Brennan won't testify on behalf of her father, because you, the jury, simply will not believe that a loving daughter can be objective. That's all. (Cut to: Booth & Brennan who are sitting across the aisle from each other.) BRENNAN: (whispers across the aisle) Booth. BOOTH: (whispers back) What? BRENNAN: (whispers) I could so be objective. BOOTH: (whispers back) I know, Bones. Okay. Just shhhh. (Cut back to Barron and Caroline) BARRON: ..what the prosecution called a 'bad piece of work'. CAROLINE: That charming man, slit Robert Kirby's throat, gutted him and set him on fire. We'll prove that to you. BARRON: Ms. Julian and I may disagree on many facets of this case but I do agree with her that the accused is a very nice guy. CAROLINE: Point of clarification. I said "charming" not "nice". JUDGE HADDOES: This is exactly the kind of nonsense that I want to avoid (to Booth & Brennan.) And you two, please. Keep to your own sides of the aisle. DEPUTY COURT OFFICER: All rise. JUDGE HADDOES: Get a cup of coffee, people. We hear first prosecution witness in 20 minutes. (Cut to: Hallway outside the courtroom. Brennan is sitting on the bench alone while everyone else is down the hallway. Booth approaches, whistling, with coffee. He hands one to Brennan and sits.) BOOTH: (loudly enough for everyone to hear) It might not be good coffee, but hey at least it's lukewarm. BRENNAN: We're not supposed to talk. BOOTH: (whispering) We can't talk about the case (loudly) but we can talk about crappy coffee. (whispering to Brennan) Put the cup in front of your mouth when you talk. BRENNAN: I didn't see Angela today. BOOTH: Angela refuses to testify. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Probably because she's your best friend... BRENNAN: Well, you're my friend and you don't mind. BOOTH: I mind. We all mind. Except for Zack. BRENNAN: Well, in that case, Zack is the only one thinking clearly. I had to give Hodgins permission. I don't know what's wrong with everyone. BOOTH: It's not what's wrong, Bones. It's what's right. (Hodgins, Zack and Cam wave to Booth & Brennan. Booth & Brennan wave back) CAROLINE: (noticing the interaction) No. No. Ya'll cut that out. DEPUTY COURT OFFICER: Court will reconvene in 30 seconds. BOOTH: Good luck, Bones. (he gets up and throws his coffee away) Oh, and remember I'm the one who gave you this delicious coffee. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Why? Because I'm the first prosecution witness against your father. BOOTH: Dr. Brennan and I, entered her apartment and we found a large pool of blood. CAROLINE: You were concerned with Russ Brennan's life at this point. BOOTH: That's correct. CAROLINE: You thought the blood was Russ Brennan's. BOOTH: That's correct. CAROLINE: And who's blood did it prove to be? (Cut to: Cam on the stand.) CAM: DNA analysis proved the blood was Deputy Director Kirby's. A sharp instrument was inserted here puncturing the sternocleidomastoid and cutting the carotid artery. (Cut to: Zack on the stand, holding up a skull.) ZACK: It entered the skull just behind the ear, nicked the mastoid, continued through the oropharynx and terminated at the opposite side of the mandible. (Cut to: Cam on the stand.) CAM: In order to create a blood puddle this large, the body would have to lay there for between three to five minutes. CAROLINE: Three to five minutes? (Cut to: Booth on the stand.) BOOTH: That's about the time it takes to roll the body up in a shower curtain. CAROLINE: How do we know the copper pipe is the murder weapon? (Cut to: Hodgins on the stand.) HODGINS: These are very, very small traces of copper left here in the mylohyoid line of the mandible. CAROLINE: And what is the copper pipe made of? HODGINS: As with most copper pipes, it's made of copper. CAROLINE: Did you discover any evidence tying the defendant to the murder scene? HODGINS: I found particles of the same soil at the murder scene and at the rooftop where the body was burned and at the Our Lady of Angels Seminary. CAROLINE: What did that tell you? HODGINS: That someone transferred those dirt particles from the seminary, to the murder scene to the roof top. CAROLINE: Who could have done that?(Cut to: Booth on the stand.) BOOTH: The defendant was at the seminary that day. CAROLINE: Are you certain of that? BOOTH: Yeah. I saw him there myself. CAROLINE: What was he doing there? (Booth pauses and looks to the Judge, then to Brennan. You can see in her eyes that she wants him to tell the truth) BOOTH: He was impersonating a priest. (Jurors start to mutter) CAROLINE: And you're 100% positive this is the murder weapon.\ (Cut to: Zack on the stand.) ZACK: I'm not comfortable with 100%. CAROLINE: You're convinced, beyond a reasonable doubt, that this is the murder weapon. ZACK: Yes. I am. CAROLINE: And is there any evidence at all tying the defendant to this weapon? (Cut to: Booth on the stand.) BOOTH: In 1966, Max Keenan was sent to Cook County Jail for robbery. He was attacked. CAROLINE: Did he defend himself? BOOTH: Yes. CAROLINE: Did he defend himself with this? (she shows a weapon on the screen) BOOTH: Yes. CAROLINE: Successfully? (Cut to: Max.) MAX: (turning to Brennan & Russ, whispering) I never killed anyone. I just poked them to keep them away. (Cut to: Booth on the stand.) BOOTH: Yes. CAROLINE: What was the result of the attack? BOOTH: Well, no one bothered Max again. CAROLINE: Anything else? BOOTH: He had eight months added to his sentence. CAROLINE: Anything else, Agent Booth? BOOTH: The sharpened pipe kinda became a trademark for him. CAROLINE: Where was this weapon found? (She brings up a picture of the body found on top of the rooftop on the screen) BOOTH: (he points to the picture) Right here. In this pile of ashes. CAROLINE: What exactly is that pile of ashes? (Cut to: Cam on the stand.) CAM: It turned out to be the victim's intestines. The abdomen had been slashed open. CAROLINE: And with the body so badly burned, intestines reduced to ashes, how did you identify the remains as those of Deputy Director Kirby? (Cut to: Angela on the stand.) ANGELA: I've got nothing to say. CAROLINE: You've under oath as a material witness, Ms. Montenegro. ANGELA: I swore to tell the truth and the truth is that I am not saying anything. CAROLINE: Judge Haddoes, could you... JUDGE HADDOES: The witness will answer.. ANGELA: No. The witness will not. BRENNAN: Angela! Answer! JUDGE HADDOES: Silence please. The witness will answer or I will find her in contempt. ANGELA: (to the Judge) Is there any way I could talk you out of that? JUDGE HADDOES: Why would you call a witness you knew wouldn't answer? CAROLINE: I figured that once she got up here and saw your scary face, she'd rethink her options. ANGELA: I'm taking the Fifth. CAROLINE: Cherie, the fifth refers to the Fifth Amendment with protects you from being forced to incriminate yourself. ANGELA: Okay. Alright. Well, the- the First Amendment protects freedom of association, right? Which means that it protects friendship. So, I'm taking the First, which is even better than taking the Fifth. JUDGE HADDOES: There is no friendship in a homicide trial. This is the Federal District Court of Columbia, United States of America. When this asks you a question, you answer, or you pay the ferryman. ANGELA: It ain't gonna happen. HODGINS: Angie, they aren't kidding around. BOOTH: (whispering) Bones, now's the time to speak up. BRENNAN: (whispering) What? BOOTH: He's the ferryman. The judge is the ferryman. BRENNAN: Ange! Just so you know, he's the ferryman! JUDGE HADDOES: I will clear this courtroom if I hear another word. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Thanks a lot. JUDGE HADDOES: (bangs gavel) I find this witness in contempt. She will be incarcerated until she answers the question posed to her by the People. (The Deputy Court Officer places Angela in handcuffs and starts to lead her out) BRENNAN: Angela, please! BOOTH: (whispering to Brennan) Hey, will you sit down! ANGELA: Sweetie. This is one of those times when I know what's right and everybody else is confused. (Angela is taken out of the courtroom) (Cut to: Federal Detention Facility - Visiting Room) MAX: I mean, shouldn't you be objecting a little more, asking for sidebars and more like that? RUSS: The jury looks at Dad kinda mean. BARRON: They're having a horrific crime described to them. They have to blame someone. MAX: Yeah. Me. BRENNAN: No. All they've done so far is establish that a murder occurred. RUSS: Everybody knew that before. BARRON: They have to establish that you are responsible. MAX: Well, it sounds like they have. BARRON: We have to discuss putting you on the stand. MAX: Absolutely. Put me on. Didn't that lady say I ooze charm? BARRON: First question you'll be asked is, "Did you murder Deputy Director Kirby?" MAX: (pauses, then answers) No, I did not. (Barron looks over at Russ & Brennan and sees their skeptical expressions.) BARRON: I can't put you on. MAX: Well, what? I'm not emotional enough? I would never kill another man. BARRON: No! Because it would be obvious to the judge, the jury and blind Martians, that your loving family doesn't believe you. RUSS: We'll wait outside when Dad's on the stand. MAX: Thanks a lot. So I'm on the hot seat and you guys are out getting ice cream? BARRON: Kids don't believe their dad, no way the jury does. Next issue to consider, is Russ. RUSS: Let 'em put me on the stand. BARRON: They think you witnessed a murder. RUSS: I didn't. I wasn't there. (Brennan and Barron look at him, skeptically.) I wasn't there! BARRON: As an officer of the court, I cannot put you on the stand if I think you're gonna perjure yourself. BRENNAN: You think Russ is lying? BARRON: I don't know, which worries me. BRENNAN: No, he's not. I've known Russ since he was a child and I can tell when he's lying; he's not lying. RUSS: You can put me on the stand. I didn't witness anything they can use against my father. MAX: Attaboy. BARRON: Listen, take a few family minutes. I'll see you in court. (He leaves) MAX: A country full of unscrupulous lawyers and you find the one guy with scruples? RUSS: Dad, Tempe's pretty sure you killed that man and I don't think she can see how you can wear that so lightly. MAX: Tempe. I'm ashamed of a lot of things I did in my life. But in this case, my conscious is clear. BRENNAN: That's not the same as being innocent. (The guard knocks on the door. It's time for Max to head back to his cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Holding Cell. Brennan is talking with Angela.) BRENNAN: Angela, please. Just go on the stand and say that you identified the victim. ANGELA: No. BRENNAN: But I - I want you to do that. ANGELA: Do you really think that your father is gonna beat this rap? BRENNAN: That has nothing to do with it. ANGELA: Yeah, Brennan, it does. I'm not gonna help send your father to his death. BRENNAN: To his death? ANGELA: Look, your old man killed a really Big Kahuna at the FBI. You think that those guys aren't gunning for execution? BRENNAN: That's - that's not up to me. That's not up to you. That's up to a jury. ANGELA: That's not the point. BRENNAN: What is the point? ANGELA: Friends don't send friends' fathers to the electric chair. BRENNAN: Maryland uses lethal injection. ANGELA: Well, the principle holds, sweetie. BRENNAN: You think we're going to lose? ANGELA: Yeah. I think you're gonna lose. And I am not gonna help you. BRENNAN: What did I do to deserve a friend like you? (Cut to: Courtroom. Sweets is on the stand starting his testimony.) SWEETS: I obtained my undergraduate psych degree from the University of Toronto, Masters Degree in Abnormal Psychology from Temple University and my Doctorates in Clinical Psychology and Behavioral Analysis at Columbia University. BOOTH: (whispering to Brennan) Doctorates? As in more than one? SWEETS: I won simultaneous Fulbright and Rhodes scholarships to write my book, "The Art of Evolutional Profiling"- BRENANN: (whispering to Booth) More than one scholarship too.SWEETS: Which is what brought me to my current posting at the FBI. BOOTH: (whispering to Brennan) No wonder Dr. Geeks can never hang on to a girlfriend. SWEETS: There I do partners therapy and psychological profiling. BRENNAN: (whispering to Booth) It's Dr. Sweets. BOOTH: (whispering to Brennan) I know, Bones. I was just saying..Dr. Geeks as in geeks. SWEETS: Do you require a list of my scholarly publications? BARRON: The defense stipulates that Dr. Sweets is a qualified expert witness, despite the fact that he looks like a high school volleyball player. BOOTH: (whispering to Brennan) Meet Dr. Geeks. JUDGE HADDOES: Excuse me, Agent Booth? I would like you to switch seats with Dr. Saroyan. You, Dr. Brennan, please switch seats with your brother. BRENNAN: Why? JUDGE HADDOES: You don't whisper as quietly as you think you do. BOOTH: (whispering to Brennan) Yeah, you know, you do whisper a little loud. BRENNAN: You started it. BOOTH: Just a little bit. Little loud. (Booth & Brennan switch their seats) JUDGE HADDOES: Thank you. Please continue, Ms. Julian. CAROLINE: Dr. Sweets, did you compile a psychological profile of the defendant? SWEETS: Yes, over a series of meeting spanning over six months. CAROLINE: Is he capable of murder? SWEETS: Like, totally. (Caroline gives him a look) Most definitely. Um, in his own way, Max Keenan is a very impressive man. CAROLINE: What do you mean, "In his own way"? SWEETS: Well, Max Keenan doesn't adhere to an external ethical system. CAROLINE: He does what he wants. SWEETS: No. He does what he thinks is right, whether or not the rest of the world agrees. In another time, he could have been a great leader. CAROLINE: You mean in a time when people conked each other on the head and lit them on fire as a way of getting what they want. SWEETS: Yes. CAROLINE: Is Max Keenan dangerous? SWEETS: When he feels his loved ones are threatened? Mega dangerous. CAROLINE: In your opinion, if Max Keenan felt that he was threatened or his family was threatened, could he do this? SWEETS: Totally. (he pauses to look at the picture of the victim on the screen) I mean, indubitably. CAROLINE: Without hesitation? SWEETS: Without hesitation, without remorse, without guilt. CAROLINE (addressing the jury): Without hesitation, without remorse, without guilt. (Cut to: Russ on the stand..) CAROLINE: Did you feel threatened by Deputy Director Kirby, Mr. Brennan? RUSS: No. CAROLINE: A sniper trained, corrupt FBI Agent hunting you and you weren't scared? RUSS: I knew someone was after me, but not who. CAROLINE: How did you know someone was after you? (Flashback to Judas on a Pole where Russ was shot at at the Diner when he was meeting Booth) RUSS: I was shot at. I was wounded. CAROLINE: So it's fair to say you feared for you life. RUSS: Yes. CAROLINE: Where were you staying at this time? RUSS: In my sister's apartment. CAROLINE: Which is where Deputy Director Kirby was murdered. RUSS: Where his blood was found, yeah. CAROLINE: But you weren't there when it happened. RUSS: No. CAROLINE: You knew someone was gunning for you, but you left the safety of your sister's apartment? RUSS: Well, it wasn't all that safe if someone got murdered there, right? CAROLINE: No, it wasn't, Mr. Brennan. Where were you that day? RUSS: Job interview. CAROLINE: You were being stalked, but it seemed like a good time to wander around looking for a job. RUSS: No, not wander. I went to a specific job interview. (Barron leans back and groans.) BRENNAN: (to Barron) What's wrong? BARRON: I recognize when Caroline's catching a scent. CAROLINE: What job? BARRON: Objection, Your Honor. Relevance? CAROLINE: If the people could have a little latitude, the relevance will become apparent. JUDGE HADDOES: I'm gonna allow it. Answer the question, please. RUSS: A mechanic's job. CAROLINE: And just how did you find out about this job opening? RUSS: What? CAROLINE: A sign in the window, an employment agency, the internet, a newspaper? Where'd you find this job. BARRON: Objection, Your Honor! JUDGE HADDOES: Overruled. RUSS: My dad got me the...the interview. CAROLINE: Almost as though he wanted you out of the apartment. As if he knew that something was gonna happen and he wanted you out of the way. BARRON: Your Honor! JUDGE HADDOES: Out of bounds, Ms. Julian. Jury will disregard. CAROLINE: I'm done with this witness, Your Honor. JUDGE HADDOES: Cross, Mr. Barron? BARRON: Did your father say or do anything that suggested he was trying to get you out of the way? RUSS: No. BARRON: Thank you, Your Honor. JUDGE HADDOES: Ms. Julian? CAROLINE: The People rest, Your Honor. JUDGE HADDOES: Will the defense be ready this afternoon, Mr. Barron? BARRON: The defense requests a summary judgment because the prosecution has absolutely failed to prove their case against my client JUDGE HADDOES: Denied, Mr. Barron. BARRON: Then we'll be ready this afternoon. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Clark is re-examining the evidence to see if anything was missed that he can use.) ZACK: What are you doing? CLARK: Dr. Addy, the prosecution is required to share all information with the defense, not the other way around.ZACK: That better not stain. CLARK: It's not permanent. What are you doing here? ZACK: I heard you were still looking at the victim's skeleton and wondered if you found anything I missed. CLARK: You're not allowed to ask me that. ZACK: You asked me, I answered. CLARK: You're not screwing with me, are you? You're just like this. ZACK: Yes. This is exactly how I am. CLARK: Your work is very, very good, Dr. Addy. Extremely thorough. ZACK: Thank you. I am aware of that. Good luck this afternoon. CLARK: I don't need luck, sport. (Cut to: Outside the Courthouse. Booth is sitting on a bench. Brennan approaches with coffee and sits.) BRENNAN: Psst. (She hands him the coffee and Sweets enters.) SWEETS: I'm writing a book. Taking a clinical approach to efficacy and focused outcomes. You shouldn't work well together, but you do. I'd like to study it further. BOOTH: I don't get it. BRENNAN: He wants to study us. SWEETS: Once a week, nothing changes. BOOTH: Now why would we want to do that? BRENNAN: I can't think of a good reason. SWEETS: Okay, see. That thing you do when you talk to each other while excluding the third party, namely me, its an adaptive mechanism for, uh, disparate entities to bond together against their own individual impetuses to dissociate. (they stare blankly at him) It's, um, it's what- BOOTH: What does that mean for us? BRENNAN: Nothing useful. BOOTH: Tell you what. Why don't we make a deal with him where we allow him to study us. In return, he gives us psychological profiling on demand. SWEETS: Okay. BRENNAN: No, you like that sort of thing but I don't see the point. BOOTH: I just think he doesn't want to admit that he likes us.BRENNAN: Do you like us? SWEETS: What? BOOTH: And he wants to spend time with us. Time with us. BRENNAN: Is that true, Sweets? You like us? SWEETS: No. BOOTH & BRENNAN (in unison, sing songy) He really likes us. SWEETS: Alight, you know what. I'm sorry I made the offer. I take it back. Forget it. (Sweets leaves) BRENNAN: Sweets is pretty good in the interrogation room. BOOTH: Yeah. Profiling on demand, interrogating back up.. BRENNAN: Well, and to be honest, I was impressed with his credentials. BOOTH: I'll tell him okay. (Clark enters) CLARK: Dr. Brennan? (he hold up a CD) I found something. (Cut to: Courtroom. Brennan, Clark and Barron are in a meeting.) CLARK: (whispering) So once we get to...we got him. I think we should go with that. CAROLINE: (to Booth, Cam & Zack) I do not like the look of that. CAM: Why? BOOTH: They look happy. DEPUTY COURT OFFICER: All rise. JUDGE HADDOES: This court is reconvened. CAROLINE: They look smug. I don't like it. BOOTH: (to Zack) Any way Clark found something you missed there, pal? ZACK: I don't miss things. BARRON: The defense calls, Dr. Zack Addy to the stand. Your Honor, I beg the indulgence of the court to allow our expert witness, Dr. Clark Edison, to appear pro hac vice. CAROLINE: Objection, Your Honor. JUDGE HADDOES: What grounds, Ms. Julian? CAROLINE: Well... CAM: (whispering to Booth) What's going on? BOOTH: (whispering to Cam) They want Clark to question Zack, not the lawyer. CAROLINE:...I'm thinking. JUDGE HADDOES: Objection denied. Dr. Edison. CLARK: Good afternoon. Dr. Addy, you identified this (he holds up an evidence bag with a pipe in it) as the murder weapon. ZACK: That's correct. CLARK: Could you refresh the jury's memory, please? ZACK: Yes. Striations found on the bone indicated a sharp-tipped weapon without a cutting edge. CLARK: Also, the diameter of the pipe fits. ZACK: That's correct, yes. And copper particulates. (Clark brings up the skull, with the wound, on the screen) CLARK: Can you identify this, Dr. Addy? ZACK: It is the entry wound in the mastoid made by the murder weapon. CLARK: And this? (He brings up the same image...only stained red) ZACK: This is the same wound stained red. Is this what you were doing this morning? CLARK: And this. (He brings up the same image again. Only a closer view.) ZACK: It appears to be the same wound blown up to approximately 120 magnification. CLARK: Can you discern any microfractures in that photo? ZACK: Yes. (he had a realization) Oh.... CLARK: You sound surprised, Dr. Addy. ZACK: What did you stain this with? CLARK: Red food dye. Can you answer the question please? ZACK: Oh. These microfractures indicate that the weapon went in so deep that the hilt hit the bone, causing microfractures CLARK: The hilt. (He holds up the bag with the pipe in it) Could you please indicate the hilt on this weapon? ZACK: I cannot. CLARK: And why is that? ZACK: There is no hilt. CLARK: So this is not the murder weapon. ZACK: Obviously not. (The jury and everyone in the courtroom starts to murmur.) CLARK: You made a mistake. ZACK: Yes, I was mistaken. BARRON: Your Honor? The defense requests a dismissal of all charges. The prosecution's entire case was built upon the identification of the murder weapon. CAROLINE: Your Honor, the people will need some time to properly review Dr. Edison's new evidence. JUDGE HADDOES: How much time? CAROLINE: Exactly as much time as it will take Agent Booth to find the actual murder weapon. JUDGE HADDOES: I'll meet with counsel in chambers. But if you don't come up with a terrific argument, Ms. Julian, Mr. Keenan is going home to his family tonight. DEPUTY COURT OFFICER: All rise. (Cut to: Brennan's apartment. There is a knock at the door. Brennan looks through the peep hole and then answers it.) BOOTH: Bones, I have a warrant here to search these premises for any weapon or implement congruent with the murder weapon. BRENNAN: I could save you some time. BOOTH: No. Zack, is ,uh, gonna be the bone expert on this one. He'll be doing all the looking. ZACK: Where did Clark Edison learn that trick with the food dye? I don't know that trick. BOOTH: Zack. Focus. Okay? (Zack goes off to search while Booth goes over to Brennan) BOOTH: How ya doing there, Bones? BRENNAN: When it looked like my father might go free I got.. (she pauses to take it all in) This is very confusing for me. BOOTH: You liked the idea of him beating the murder charge. BRENNAN: Yes. But he did it. We both know my father did it. BOOTH: Bones, wanting your father to come home instead of going to prison, that's- that's okay. BRENNAN: But what I do - what we do is put murders like him away. BOOTH: Okay. You're not Dr. Brennan today. You're Temperance. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. BOOTH: The scientist part of you got sidelined, temporarily. BRENNAN: I still don't know what that means. BOOTH: Bones, just, take the brain, okay, put it in neutral. Alright? Take the heart - pop it into overdrive. (Booth inmates a car engine revving and pretends to drive. Brennan laughs.) BRENNAN: Sometimes I think you're from another planet. (Booth stops 'driving' and sits back up, across from her.) BRENNAN: And sometimes I think you're really very nice. ZACK: I found it. (The get up and head over to where Zack is standing near a knife type weapon.) BOOTH: What is that? BRENNAN: It's a misericorde. ZACK: A sharp, unedged, medieval copper dagger used for delivering a final, fatal blow. BRENNAN: Also known as the "coup de grace." BOOTH: I'm sorry, Bones. (Cut to: Courtroom. Russ grabs Brennan's hand. A montage starts showing the squints presenting the new evidence to the jury. Brennan, Clark and Max look like that know that this may be it and you can tell that the squints really don't want to do what they're doing. This could be the evidence that gives the prosecution what they need.) JUDGE HADDOES: As usual, I will ask the jury to refrain from speaking to each other about the case between now and when we reconvene tomorrow morning. At which time you will be prepared to remount your defense. DEPUTY COURT OFFICER: All rise. (Cut to: Federal Detention Facility - Visiting Room. Brennan, Russ, Max, Clark and Barron are sitting and eating Chinese food.) MAX: Hey, kid, you did good. You had 'em on the run there for a while. CLARK: Yeah, well their case is much stronger now, so... BRENNAN: My team, they're really good. RUSS: Maybe you could brag over them another time, Tempe? CLARK: You know, maybe I can discredit the weapon. BARRON: We're past forensics. Now it's about the story. CLARK: Excuse me? BARRON: Juror's like to think they know what happened. We did a good job in showing that maybe Max didn't commit this murder, but we didn't give the jury a satisfying alternative. One they can go home to their families and say 'Here's what really happened.' RUSS: They need a bogeyman. And it's Dad. MAX: Well, at least you guys will always know where to find me. RUSS: What do you mean? On death row? You should have - you know, you should have run, Dad. You should have just taken off. BRENNAN: Dad stayed for me. He knew that if he ran, we'd never see each other again. (to Max) You stayed for me. MAX: I would have stayed here forever. It was worth every second we had together. BRENNAN: If I knew the bogeyman, how much time warning would you need to make it work? BARRON: A good story? About 5 minutes. BRENNAN: (gets up) I have to talk to somebody. (She rushes out of the room) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth and Brennan are having breakfast.) BRENNAN: If the truth can't be proven, is it still the truth? BOOTH: You invited me to breakfast to talk philosophy? BRENNAN: A theory isn't even really a theory until it's challenged. It's just simply a hypothesis. I don't believe that a man should die based upon a hypothesis, do you? BOOTH: If you have a question, just ask it. BRENNAN: I have a way to lodge reasonable doubt in the jury. BOOTH: We can't talk about this. BRENNAN: Please? You're the person I talk to about things like this. BOOTH: No perjury involved. Just an interpretation of existing facts. BRENNAN: An alternate story. BOOTH: You don't know that he did it, you know, your old man. BRENNAN: Well, we both know he did it. BOOTH: No, not the way that you define "know". You know, with proof and all that. BRENNAN: It's going to be enough for the jury. BOOTH: Jury's are a human factor in a trial, alright? You never know what they'll do. BRENNAN: You think it's alright for me to take advantage of that? BOOTH: Brain and heart, Bones. Brain and heart. (Cut to: Courtroom. Hodgins is on the stand) BARRON: You found particulates placing the accused at the scene of the murder, the seminary, and the rooftop where the victim was immolated? HODGINS: Yes. BARRON: Was anyone else present at all three locations? (Cut to: Booth on the stand) BOOTH: Me. But I didn't kill the deputy director of the FBI. BARRON: You had motive. He fired you that day and threatened Ms. Julian. By the way, was she at all three locations? CAROLINE: Objection! It's just rude to accuse me of murder. BARRON: I count three people in this courtroom, besides my client, who had motive to kill Kirby. JUDGE HADDOES: I'll allow it. BOOTH: Ms. Julian was never at the crime scene, so you're stuck with me. BARRON: And Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: I see where you're going with this. BARRON: Was Dr. Temperance Brennan at the seminary? (Cut to: Brennan on the stand) BRENNAN: Yes. BARRON: And your apartment the same day? BRENNAN: Yes. BARRON: (holds up the knife) Do you recognize this? BRENNAN: Yes. It's mine. BARRON: So you are every bit as plausible a suspect as your father. (Cut to: Sweets on the stand) SWEETS: Dr. Brennan is hyper-rational. She's capable of rationalizing almost anything. BARRON: Including murder. SWEETS: It is the danger of the totally rational human being. BARRON: But did she have a motive? (Cut to: Booth on the stand) BOOTH: Yes, she had motive. Kirby tried to kill her brother. BARRON: Thank you. BOOTH: Bones was with me all day. BARRON: She didn't have time to commit this murder? BOOTH: No, she did not. BARRON: How did your son, Parker, get home from school that day? BOOTH: Forty five minutes we were apart, but we talked on the phone. BARRON: Plenty of time, wasn't it Agent Booth? (There are flashes of Kirby's murder reenacted, but this time, it's Brennan instead of Max who is doing the killing) BARRON: Dr. Brennan could have burned the body hours later when you were safe at home. JUDGE HADDOES: The witness will answer the question. BOOTH: (to Brennan) That's a lot of heart, Bones. BARRON: Your Honor- JUDGE HADDOES: Answer the question please, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Could Bones have killed Kirby? Temperance Brennan - I've worked with this woman. I've stood over death with her, I've faced down death with her. And Sweets, he's brilliant, he is, but he's wrong. She could not have done this. BARRON: I didn't ask you your opinion of Dr. Brennan's character. I asked you, did she have time? (Booth looks to Brennan and knows that once again, she needs him to tell the truth. This could be what saves her dad.) BOOTH: Yes. She had time. (Cut to: Outside the courtroom. Brennan is standing on the steps by herself) (Cut to: Courtroom. The jury is back and ready to read the verdict.) JUDGE HADDOES: Has the jury reached a verdict? (Booth gets up and leaves before the verdict is read.) JURY FOREPERSON: Yes, your honor. (Cut to: Outside the courtroom. Brennan is still standing on the steps. She turns to see Booth coming out of the courthouse. He walks over to Brennan and embraces her. Angela comes come down the stairs behind them when they're hugging and touches Brennan's back. Brennan turns and touches her elbow - happy to see that she's been released from jail. They turn and see Caroline and Sweets heading out. Shortly thereafter, her father and brother come walking out. Max is free. He's elated and Brennan smiles. He walks over to her and hugs her and holds on. They're finally going to be able to be a family again. Cam, Hodgins and Zack come out a few seconds later. SWEETS: So are you gonna charge her? CAROLINE: You gotta go back to school on this one. That's a fine woman there. (Booth stand off to the side, watching Brennan and her father hugging. Brennan looks up at him over her father's shoulder and they share a moment. Scene fades out with Brennan still hugging her father and everyone standing on the stairs around them.) END.	Plan: A: Brennan; Q: Who is the forensics advisor for the defense? A: FBI Deputy Director Kirby; Q: Who is Brennan's father accused of killing? A: FBI; Q: What organization is Max Keenan accused of killing? A: the forensics advisor; Q: What role does Brennan play in the trial? A: an anthropologist; Q: What is Brennan's profession? A: her father; Q: Who is Brennan trying to help free? Summary: Brennan's father Max Keenan is on trial for the alleged murder of FBI Deputy Director Kirby. Everyone on the team, except for Brennan, is called as a witness for the prosecution during the trial. Brennan on the other hand is the forensics advisor for the defense, and she must rely on both her dedication to her family and her skill as an anthropologist to help free her father.
Pam: [on the phone] Well, I should go. Jim: Alright. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi. Pam: No, don't. I'm mad at them. Jim: Why, what happened? Pam: Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement. Jim: Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didn't tell them. Pam: What? Why not? Jim: I just didn't, you know, want a deal. Pam: Come on, it won't be that bad. Jim: OK. You know what? Here we go. [stands up] Uh, everybody? I just want to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged. Pam: [speakerphone] Hi everyone! Oscar: I thought you were already engaged. Jim: Nope. Angela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy. Jim: Thank you Angela. Kevin: I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one? Jim: Yes. Andy: A little close to my engagement there Tuna, what's your game here? Jim: To get married. Dwight: [raises hand] She's not a virgin, you know. Pam: Wow. Michael: [walking in] What's going on? Pam: No, nothing. Nothing Michael! Just saying hi. [Michael waves "hi" at the phone] Creed: The tall guy got engaged. Michael: [to Jim] To be married? Jim: Yep. [Michael hugs/tackles Jim] Pam: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Pencils down! [Dwight quickly puts his pencil down] Just kidding, take your time. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [trying to assist Michael, who is trying to press play on a CD player] I got it, I got it. [Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical" starts to play as Holly and Michael jog into the meeting room, dancing] Michael & Holly: Let's get ethical! Ethical! I wanna get ethical! Let's get into Ethics yeah! Let me hear that Dunder Mifflin talk! Your body talk. Let me hear your body talk. Michael: WOO! Alright! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: "Why are you helping her? You're not even dating." She's my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! [everyone claps] Holly: Thanks Michael. [Michael groans exhaustingly] Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired. Kevin: Oh come on! He's right there. [points at Ryan] He was hired. [to Jim] Oh check it out, "Hired Guy." Jim: Nice. [they bump fists] Ryan: Ok, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor season six? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? [Dwight nods] In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So... Michael: [clapping] Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy. Holly: Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would have selected totally agree. Phyllis: I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree. Holly: Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement. Michael: Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. [claps] Holly: Thank you. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours is a form of stealing. Kelly: What? Holly: Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over the line time wasters? Stanley: This meeting. Andy: Hey-oh! Dwight: Yes. Michael: [to Holly] Can't set 'em up like that. Kelly: Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care. Meredith: I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse. Holly: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about. Michael: Can we have a moment? [whispering] Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic. Dight: Michael. Michael: Yeah. Dwight: What should we be working on while you guys are talking? Michael: Do some... do some work. [whispering to Holly] People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists. Surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan. Holly: Well, I just have to get through the binder. Michael: Do you... just... you're kind of losing them. Holly: I am? Micheal: Yeah, don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out. Holly: Ok. [to everyone] Michael makes a really good point so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket and I steal a pencil. That's not right. Michael: [coughs to hide his words] Lauren, [coughs] enough with the pencils. Holly: No, I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing. Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules. Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom! Oscar: Exactly, Andy. Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal. Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male. Andy: No that's... not how it works. Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry. Holly: Ok, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace. Michael: Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on. Oscar: Pass. Michael: I will go first. When I discovered YouTube I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times. Holly: What was the dilemma? Michael: To tell you or not. And I'm glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity. Holly: Oh--- no no no. Michael: Yeah, [interrupting gibberish]. Come on, anybody. Let it fly. Oscar: Ok, once in a while I'll take a long lunch. Michael: A siesta! Dwight: Time thief. Time thief! Fire him! Jim: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time? Dwight: Never! Michael: You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah? Kelly: Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer. Michael: Who hasn't? Good. Good! What else? Holly: No--- I, I'd like to hear more about that. Michael: Mmm... Angela: I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it. Michael: Well, let's keep this party movin' on. Meredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill? Michael: Bruuuuuuuuuce. Meredith: Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates. Jim: Jackpot. Michael: Ach! Wuh--- Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods. Meredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey? Michael: That's crazy. That's crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right... what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is... unknowable. But, let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work. [everyone applauds, then leaves] [to Holly] Great job. I am truly impressed. That, uh, you really pulled that one out. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate. Holly: Michael, there is some serious issues with Meredith. Michael: Oh... Holly: I mean all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself but Meredith's actions are really over the line. Micheal: Nnyeah. What ya gonna do? [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been? Meredith: Liaisons, you mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years. Something like that. Michael: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around. Meredith: Am I in trouble here or something? Michael: No... no, this is just a stupid formality. Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal? Unrelated to business? Meredith: Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms. Micheal: Ughh! For the love of God we're trying to help you... stupid bag. Holly: What I don't understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper? Meredith:Well it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, and he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. [Holly begins to write in her notebook] Hey what's going on here? I thought I had immunity? Holly: Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean I've never heard of anyone who's kept their job after something like this. Meredith: Well... I'm not quitting. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns, stops it when Dwight is done] Yawn. Four seconds. Dwight: What are you doing? Jim: Oh you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time so... I'm just making sure. Dwight: Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. [Jim smiles and starts the stopwatch] Really? [in a mocking voice] Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti--- [Dwight conceeds and goes back to work, Jim stops the watch] Jim: Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds. Dwight: There is no way that that was--- [Jim starts the watch] Jim: [stops the watch] One second. Michael: Well, well. Holly... lujah! It's a miracle, you're at your desk. Holly: It's Mike-raculous. Michael: Hoo-ooh! Reaching! You'll get there. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out. Holly: Sounds good. Michael: Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch? Holly: Oh I already bought this... Michael: Oh no, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady. [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses] Sorry! You know what? Let's go out! Dunder Mifflin's treat. Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it? Ethical. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: So, I've gone over corporate policy. Michael: What do you think? What do you think of this place? Holly: Oh, it's very nice. Michael: Istn't it? Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic. So you're from Des Moines? Holly: Mmm. Michael: Wow, that sounds so... warm. Holly: In Summer. Michael: Here too. You know what my favorite season is? Holly: Maybe we should talk about Meredith first. Michael: Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change. It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons. Holly: Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don't think there is any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated. Michael: Wow, terminator, terminator. Holly: I'm from da future. Michael: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, Andy. Andy: Yo. Jim: By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night? Andy: No, I did not. Was that any good? Jim: Actually not. It was really so-so. Dwight: Ok. [Dwight turns around, but Jim holds up the stopwatch, threatening to start it] Jim: I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know, like klingons and wookies and all that but... [Dwight begins to turn around again, Jim holds up the watch] Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight? Andy: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica? Jim: You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot for shot remake. Andy: Really? [Dwight closes his eyes, clutches the paper in his hands] Huh, that's cool. Jim: Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor. Andy: Really? That doesn't sound right. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money. Holly: Well, that's very sweet but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules. Michael: Ok, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her. Holly: We punish her? Michael: Mmhmm, tell her she can't have s*x for six months. Holly: I don't think we could enforce that. Michael: I don't know. I saw this thing, like a belt with a key. Holly: A chastity belt. Michael: No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal. You know what I am talking about. You unlock a little door that... down... where you, where you put, where you put the... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying. Holly: No, you are saying that we should sweep it under the carpet, accept the discount on supplies, not fire Meredith and pretend like the whole thing never happened. Michael: Yes. Holly: What am I saying? Michael: Well... bleh busted. I don't... Holly: I'm saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don't think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated. Michael: Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family. Holly: It's not a family. It's a workplace. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly's leftovers in the trash] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds? Dwight: None of your business. Jim: So I guess I can assume that was personal. Dwight: [Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine. Jim: So maybe you're not completely ethical after all. Dwight: Yes, maybe I'm not. [Dwight grins and gives a sly look at the camera] [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too. Michael: What's the only thing worse than one HR rep? Ryan: Two HR reps. Michael: You get me. Holly: Can I sit? Michael: I don't know. Can you? Kendall, my main man. Kendall: [on speakerphone] Listen, Holly, Michael, I just got the report that your branch submitted and there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith is having with.. Holly: Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar. Michael: Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar. Kendall: Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action. Holly: Oh, I think it is pretty clear that it was unethical. Kendall: Well, from what I can gather it seems like a gray area. Look, to be honest the company is getting a discount at a tough time in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company is to turn our noses up at that. Holly: Umm, Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company but I'm just not happy about the way we are getting it. Kendall: I thought it was clear with you, Holly. Your task was to get signatures from the employees showing that they completed the training. Holly: No, I understand. Kendall: Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if it's not something you can handle then that's a different discussion. Holly: No. I can do it. Kendall: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, "I told you so." Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Can I have everyone's attention? Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention, please. We need to finish the ethics seminar. Andy: No way, lady. Kevin: It's a trap. Holly: Everyone, please, I just need your signatures to show corporate that I gave you the training. Meredith: Don't sign anything. Michael: Ok, everybody listen up. If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you. Stanley: It's a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things. Michael: Get in there right now or I'm gonna lose it! [everyone gets up to go in the conference room] Meredith: Am I getting fired? Michael: Now is really not the time, Meredith. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: In this next section we examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much more flexible. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Thank you, Meredith, this was delicious. Meredith: Hey, where is the steak sauce? Kevin: I think we're out. Meredith: I got some in my minivan somewhere. Andy: Wait a second, how does the steak factor in again? Kevin: I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash. Phyllis: I don't care what she's doing. I just hope she keeps doing it. Stanley: Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.	Plan: A: Ryan's recent scandal; Q: What prompted Holly to hold an ethics seminar? A: Holly; Q: Who holds an ethics seminar? A: Meredith; Q: Who caused a rift between Michael and Holly? A: Michael; Q: Who supports Holly when she is humiliated by the head of Human Resources? A: a supplier; Q: Who gave Meredith discounts on products and steak coupons in exchange for sex? A: the staff; Q: Who ostracizes Holly? A: Human Resources; Q: What department does Holly work for? A: Jim; Q: Who makes Dwight comply with the company's "time theft" policy? A: every second; Q: How much time does Jim make Dwight time? Summary: Following Ryan's recent scandal, Holly holds an ethics seminar. Everyone speaks freely about their unethical behavior at work and Meredith causes a rift between Michael and Holly when Meredith admits a supplier gives her discounts on products and steak coupons in exchange for sex. Holly is ostracized by the staff, but when she is humiliated by the head of Human Resources, Michael once again supports her. Meanwhile, Jim makes Dwight comply with the company's "time theft" policy by timing every second of his personal activity.
THE TWIN DILEMMA BY: ANTHONY STEVEN Part One Running time: 24:42 [SCENE_BREAK] (Romulus and Remus are playing a game. Prof Sylvest walks in and looks at them. Everything is very colourful.) ROMULUS: Where's mother? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Uh, she's busy. REMUS: Does that mean she isn't talking to us? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: No, she's just busy. TWINS: We would like to see her. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: She isn't here. ROMULUS: She's gone out without saying goodbye? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Well. Yes. ROMULUS: I suppose you're going out as well. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: In a few minutes. REMUS Abandoned again. ROMULUS: You we forgive, father. But not mother. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Look, Romulus, I wish you would be kinder to your mother. You too, Remus. TWINS: Why? PROFESSOR SYLVEST She is your mother. REMUS: Because mother happened to give birth to us, does that automatically grant her a place in our affections? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Yes, yes of course. ROMULUS: Respect must be earned, father. Mother's a fool. You know that. REMUS: Do you now wish us to respect fools? You've always said the contrary. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Your mother is who she is whether you think her a fool or not. That's no excuse for poor manners and lack of concern. ROMULUS: As you wish, father. (There is a bit of a pause here. Sylvest does something.) PROFESSOR SYLVEST: I gather there's something you wanted to talk to me about. REMUS: Not talk to you, tell you. We're going to play equations. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Oh no. ROMULUS: You know I sometimes think you're actually scared of us. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: I worry, Romulus. I honestly believe that neither of you has the faintest idea of your real powers. Your mathematical skill can change events on a massive scale, don't you realise that? REMUS: Oh, don't be so melodramatic father. ROMULUS: Sometimes you sound just like mother. REMUS: So why don't you stop worrying? Buzz off and enjoy your evening out. ROMULUS: We'll still be here when you get back. REMUS: And so will the universe. (In the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Well, Peri. What do you think? Hm? PERI: It's terrible. DOCTOR: Oh, never mind about the clothes, they're easily changed. What about me? PERI: I meant you. DOCTOR: Sorry, I'm afraid I don't understand. PERI: Neither do I. People don't change like that. I mean, physically, just in a flash. DOCTOR: I'm not people, Peri. I happen to be me. PERI: But why? DOCTOR: Natural metamorphosis. A form of rebirth. I call it a renewal. And this time, a positive triumph. I can sense it in every fiber of my being. PERI: Have you the faintest idea what you look like? DOCTOR: My outward appearance is of no importance whatsoever. PERI: Well it is to me. I have to live with it. Here. Look at yourself. DOCTOR: Hm, very well, if you insist. PERI: What do you see? DOCTOR: Ah. A noble brow. Clear gaze. At least it will be given a few hours sleep. A firm mouth, a face beaming with a vast intelligence. My dear child, what on earth are you complaining about? DOCTOR: It's the most extraordinary improvement. PERI: On what? DOCTOR: My last incarnation. I was never happy with that one. PERI: Whyever not? DOCTOR: It had a certain feckless charm, which simply wasn't me. PERI: What absolute rubbish. You were almost young, I really liked you. And you were sweet. DOCTOR: Sweet? Effete. Sweet? Sweet. Sweet, oh that says it all. Oh, but this has been a timely change. Change... no change.. there is no change. No rhyme, no time, no place no space nothing. Nothing but the grinding engines of the universe, the crushing boredom of eternity... hahahahahaahaaaaa! (The twins are playing Battleship on their Commodore 64. Back in the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Hm? No. Ah. PERI: Are you sure you're all right? DOCTOR: My dear child, stop worrying. Try to understand. Regeneration in my case is a swift but volcanic experience, a kind of violent biological eruption in which the body cells are displaced, changed, renewed and rearranged. There are bound to be side effects. PERI: It it won't happen again? DOCTOR: Hm? Oh. It may indeed. But each time with diminishing effect. You have nothing to fear. PERI: Next time I'm not gonna look. DOCTOR: If you find it upsetting, that would be the most sensible thing to do. Ah! Haha. (The twins continue smiling, Edgeworth appears.) REMUS: Fantastic. ROMULUS: What a super trick. AZMAEL: Oh, I wouldn't impose upon you for a moment. It's no more than a simple illusion. REMUS: Oh, we know that. ROMULUS: We've seen it before in the theater. REMUS: You did it jolly well. AZMAEL: Thank you. Your own talents are vastly superior. Amazing, quite amazing. A symphony in higher mathemetics. ROMULUS: It just so happens we had a good evening. Who are you by the way? AZMAEL: Professor Edgeworth. ROMULUS: Never heard of you. AZMAEL: No reason why you should? REMUS: What do you want? AZMAEL: I came to pay my respects to your father, the professor, a man of great distinction. ROMULUS: A bit late for social calls. AZMAEL: Yes I must apologize. I've come a long way. TWINS: How did you get in here? AZMAEL: How does one enter a dwelling? ROMULUS: Nobody's allowed in when our parents are away. AZMAEL: Oh come now, do I look as though I'd do you any harm? ROMULUS: Beside the point. You oughtn't be here. AZMAEL: Well, then I shall leave. When do you expect your parents back? TWINS: We don't know. AZMAEL: Tell your father I'll call him. TWINS: All right. AZMAEL: Goodbye, Remus. It's been a privilege and a pleasure. Goodbye Romulus, our paths are bound to cross again. Show me your hands. What are your names? ROMULUS: I am Romulus. REMUS: I am Remus. AZMAEL: What is this place? TWINS: We do not know. AZMAEL: Good. Excellent. Come. Hold on to my sleeve. (They disappear.) (Back in the TARDIS. Doc checking out his coat. Puts on cat pin to bad music cue.) PERI: You're not serious. DOCTOR: I'm always serious. PERI: You can't go out dressed like that. DOCTOR: Why ever not? PERI: You look dreadful. DOCTOR: My dear, that is what people said about Beau Brummel. Remember him? PERI: He had taste. A feeling for style. DOCTOR And I don't? PERI: Not if what you're wearing is an example. It's... uh... yuck. (A spaceship. In space.) NOMA: Right, his time is up, I shall contact Mestor. DRAK: Too late. He's got them. He's coming now. AZMAEL: Lock them in the bunker. At once. Mestor! MESTOR: Yes, Edgeworth. AZMAEL: I have them on board. MESTOR: Are they docile? AZMAEL: For the moment, yes. I gave them a selective amnesia. MESTOR: When will they be missed? AZMAEL Very soon. MESTOR: You have no time to lose. There will be hue and cry. I want no trail to Jaconda. Take them to the safe house on Titan 3. AZMAEL: At once. MESTOR: You will remain at the safe house until further notice. AZMAEL: As you command, Mestor. (In the TARDIS console room. Peri enters.) PERI: Da daaa! DOCTOR: Yuck. PERI: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Vesta 95. PERI: Where's that? DOCTOR: You'll soon find out. It's a marvelous place for a holiday. I would have taken you to the Eye of Orion, but the coordinates elude me at the moment. Peri? PERI: Yes? DOCTOR: How do you come by a name like that? PERI: It's the diminutive of my proper name, Perpugilliam. DOCTOR: Indeed. "One morn, a peri at the gate of Eden stood disconsolate." Do you know who wrote that? PERI: I haven't the faintest idear. DOCTOR: Of course you don't. You don't even know what a peri is, do you? Peri? PERI: No. DOCTOR: I'll tell you. A peri is a good and beautiful fairie in Persian mythology. The interesting thing is before it became good, it was evil. And that's what you are. Thoroughly evil. PERI: Doctor, stop it! DOCTOR: No, no, not even a fairie, an alien spy! Sent here to spy on me! And we all know the fate of alien spies! (He jumps her bones. She flashes him. He sobs.) (Prof Sylvest looks at the floor in his house. Makes a call.) LT HUGO LANG: Special incident room. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Professor Sylvest. Security clearance 941/29. They've gone. LT HUGO LANG: Sir? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: My children have been kidnapped. LT HUGO LANG: When did this happen? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Whilst I was out. Two hours maximum. LT HUGO LANG: I see. What are the indications? PROFESSOR SYLVEST: I found zanium on the floor, it looks serious. LT HUGO LANG: Please leave this to us. I'll get the commander to call you back. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: Are you listening to me? LT HUGO LANG: Yes, I'm listening, Professor. PROFESSOR SYLVEST: I'm very very anxious. LT HUGO LANG: Yes, naturally you're anxious, please leave this to us, I'll get the commander to call you back. Goodbye. (He goes to the Commander.) LT HUGO LANG: Sorry to disturb you Commander. COMMANDER FABIAN: What is it? LT HUGO LANG: The Sylvest twins are missing. The Professor found a dustlike deposit on the floor of their room, he says it's zanium. COMMANDER FABIAN: Zanium? You know what that means. LT HUGO LANG: An extraterrestrial kidnap? COMMANDER FABIAN: If those twins have fallen into alien hands. This is something I've always feared. What's the time factor? LT HUGO LANG: He says two hours maximum. COMMANDER FABIAN: Right, they're still within range. I'm ordering first priority, full-scale search. I want all pursuit crews launched. Briefing will take place in flight. And I want you as flight leader. LT HUGO LANG: Yes Commander. COMMANDER FABIAN: I want a thorough scan. All identifiable space vehicles must be investigated. ELENA: Right. (Back in the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: What happened? PERI: You had another of your fits. DOCTOR: I don't have fits. PERI: Whatever you call them. DOCTOR: I told you, manic moments of no consequence. They become less dramatic and less and less frequent. PERI: Well this was worse. Longer. It was horrible. DOCTOR: Don't exaggerate. PERI: Exaggerate? You don't remember what you did, do you? DOCTOR: I must admit I am a little hazy. PERI: You tried to kill me. DOCTOR: Don't be absurd. PERI: I'm not. DOCTOR: What you say is impossible. I have an in-built resistance to any form of violence, except in self-defense. PERI: You don't! DOCTOR: I don't? Upon my word, you really are frightened aren't you? PERI: Frightened half to death and that's only because I'm not dead already. DOCTOR: Something's wrong, something's very wrong. Oh no. Has it come to that? Regenerate yet unregenerate. Oh, alas, poor Peri, not for us the pleasures of Vesta 95! PERI: What are you saying? DOCTOR: I am a living peril to the universe. If this poor hive is to be cleansed... there's only one recourse. Contemplation. Self-abnegation in some hellish wilderness. Ten days. Ten years, a thousand years, of what consequence is time to me? I shall become a hermit! And you, child, shall be my disciple! I know the very place... an asteroid so desolate... Titan 3 is where I shall repent! (Back to the twins.) ROMULUS: What are you doing? REMUS: We don't know where we're from, or where we're going, but one thing is for sure. This is a space craft, and we're prisoners. ROMULUS: Then we must try to escape. REMUS: I might be able to put out some sort of distress signal. ROMULUS: But who's going to hear it? REMUS: How should I know? Keep your ear to the door. (On Edgeworth sleeping... Back to Drak and Noma Back again to the twins) ROMULUS: I think someone's coming. REMUS: That was a bit close, that one. ROMULUS: Did you do it? REMUS: I only hope it works. (Back to earth control.) COMMANDER FABIAN: Yes? LT HUGO LANG: It's Lang, commander. I'm in visual contact with a space hopper mark three freights, registration number XV773, but I've been unable to make voice contact. COMMANDER FABIAN: Elena, check it out, will you? LT HUGO LANG: The ship is also transmitting an irregular signal. My flight computers are unable to analyze it. ELENA: XV773 was reported missing, believed destroyed eight months ago. COMMANDER FABIAN: Did you get that? LT HUGO LANG Yes, commander. COMMANDER FABIAN: Proceed with care, but find out what that freighter's up to. LT HUGO LANG: This is fighter leader to freighter XV773. This is fighter leader to freighter XV773, are you receiving me? (The ship disappears.) LT HUGO LANG: Lang here, the freighter's gone into warp drive. COMMANDER FABIAN: Then follow it. LT HUGO LANG: No, you don't understand commander, the XV class of freighter was never built for warp drive. No, it must have been modified. COMMANDER FABIAN: Do you want backup? LT HUGO LANG: No, not yet. I'd like to know... COMMANDER FABIAN: Lang? Lang? Are you receiving me? Elena, find out what's happening. ELENA: He's right, commander, it wasn't built for warp drive. (Back in the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Titan Three. Thou craggy nob which swims upon the oceams of the firmament... receive this weary penitent! PERI: I think I'm gonna be sick. DOCTOR: Hm? PERI: Oh, sorry. DOCTOR: Why should you be sorry? PERI: I don't know. I don't know anything any longer. Doctor, please. DOCTOR: Yes? PERI: I know what you said, but you weren't serious, were you? I mean about being a hermit? DOCTOR: Never more so. I've no need to remind you. Now. A hermit needs a hermitage. You and I Peri must find one. PERI: Why bother? Isn't this place good enough? DOCTOR: Too good. Quite useless for contemplation, no. What we need is a cave. Some utterly comfortless place where you and I can suffer together. PERI: Why should I be made to suffer? DOCTOR: Because you are that have been chosen. It shall be your humble privilege to minister unto my needs. They will be very simple. But nothing must be allowed to interfere with my contemplation. PERI: You said something about a thousand years? DOCTOR: I was speaking figuratively. Shouldn't come to that. Now come long, we're wasting time. PERI: We can't go out there! DOCTOR: We must! I must atone for what I have done! PERI: But we'll die! DOCTOR: Hm? Um... Well the instruments say otherwise. The atmosphere, what there is of it, is breathable. PERI: What was that? DOCTOR: I think we should find out. (The twins party materializes.) AZMAEL: Sit them down over there. MESTOR: Edgeworth? Edgeworth! AZMAEL: Mestor. MESTOR: You were careless, Edgeworth. AZMAEL: I make no excuse. MESTOR: You say that too easily. I've saved you once. Five ships destroyed, but there may be others. You have betrayed your presence on Titan Three. AZMAEL: Then I'd better start back now. MESTOR: No, I wish to see how the earth fleet reacts. AZMAEL: Of course. MESTOR Are the Sylvest Twins safe? AZMAEL: They are, they're resting. The poor things are exhausted. MESTOR: Then give them artificial restoration. AZMAEL: That could be dangerous. MESTOR: Nonsense. Take care not to blow their hearts or their minds. Once they have served me I shall have no further use for them. AZMAEL: Mestor, your great purpose demands the originality of human genius. I have procured that genius, do not discard it lightly. MESTOR: Do not presume upon my patience, Edgeworth. You are my creature, nothing more. You will do as I command you. AZMAEL: Very well. MESTOR: Once you have revived them, put the proposition and let them proceed with the first concept. Whatever time remains to you on Titan Three, do not waste it. Drive them to their limit. AZMAEL: As you say. MESTOR: And one more thing... AZMAEL: Yes? MESTOR: Make certain there are no survivors from those ships. (Near the crash site.) PERI: But Doctor, it's dangerous! DOCTOR: Of course it's dangerous! We could be blown to pieces at any minute! PERI: But no one could have lived through this! DOCTOR: Then stay behind! This is work for heroes, not for faint-hearted girls! Ah. So. No one could have lived through it, eh? Well here's one who did. You would have left one of your own kind to die. (Back to earth space control.) COMMANDER FABIAN: Of course Minister. Yes, I understand. At once. Call off the rescue party. ELENA: Commander? COMMANDER FABIAN: Until we know more about how our fighters were destroyed no more lives must be put at risk. ELENA: But you can't just abandon the... COMMANDER FABIAN: That is a direct order from the Minister. And may my bones rot for obeying it. LT HUGO LANG: My ship... the squadron... the children... PERI: Will he live? DOCTOR: Yes. Small thanks to you. Poor pusillanimous Peri, what a pitiful performance. PERI: How can you be so pathetic? DOCTOR Hm? PERI: Well talk about me giving a performance! You never stop giving them. When you're not really mad and trying to kill me, that is. Look at you now. DOCTOR: What do you mean? PERI: I never sawr anyone who loved himself so much with less reason. You've forgotten all about him, by the time you stop congratulating yourself he'll probably be dead. DOCTOR: Peri! LT HUGO LANG: Murderer! You destroyed my entire command. Now I'm going to kill you!	Plan: A: The twin human children; Q: What are Romulus and Remus? A: The Children; Q: Who are geniuses? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is having stability problems with his new regeneration? Summary: The twin human children Romulus and Remus are kidnapped by the mysterious professor Edgeworth. The Children appear to be genius's. Meanwhile the Doctor seems to be having stability problems with his new regeneration and is acting erratically.
Ted (2030): Children, go out with someone for this is simple. We must be confident, good about yourself, and course of who you are. Uncle Barney was very good on this last point, although many times it was someone else. Barney is the bar disguised as a diver. Lily approaches a woman at the counter installed. Lily: You see that guy over there in diving suit? You think you're going to go talk to him? Woman: No. Lily: Okay. This is certainly the biggest con on this planet. Woman: How do you know? Lily: This is one of my best friends. Woman: And the diving suit? Lily: It's a long story. You see, he just break... Ted (2030): There are two basic ways to behave after a breakup.Some are dedicated solely to... Flashback At Ted's apartment... Robin: My career. This is my new priority. From now on, more a date. The job. Ted (2030): While others are dedicated solely to... Barney: All women of New York. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mother, lock your daughters. Daughters, lock your MAQACENJaR. Marshall: MAQACENJaR? Ted: Wait, I can find. With Mothers Who I'd like Sunset And Never Forgot. Barney: You have the right answer! Lily: You're not rush a little, then? Barney: Since I went out with Robin there is a trick that I have not used as much as I wanted. It is... rather large, surprisingly heavy, with the skin, and it's black. My friends, this is the book of... Roles. GENERIC Barney: The Roles book contains all the scams, trickery, deception, underhand, cunning, nonsense, and embobinages tricks I used, or expected use, to nab the girls and do their business. Marshall: You're writing another book? Stephen King was one right there. Barney: It's all there. Everything, starting from the basic, like Le Bois Do Not Ca... DO NOT THE WOOD ~ ~ CA At MacLaren's, Barney keeps women from drinking his glass. Barney: Do not drink it. I saw a guy put something. Woman: What? Who? Barney: This guy. It shows Ted, who is dumped to the ground by a man. Woman: Thank you. Barney:... Until more advanced maneuvers, such as the Ms. Stinsfire. ~ ~ THE Ms. STINSFIRE In an apartment... Women: Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing on obscene behavior last semester, we welcome a new housekeeper. I present to you Ms. Stinsfire. Barney arrives disguised as a woman, and a feather duster in hand. Ms. Stinsfire: Hello, girls! Marshall: I do not see how it could not walk. Ted: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? Barney: Glad you asked. The Lorenzon Von Matterhorn will be my comeback on stage. Or, you know, in my bed. In fact, my bed is on a stage. I put it on a platform and installed lighting. A real production. Barney goes! He gets up from the couch and leaves. In McLaren's... Marshall: And you Robin? You leave it in play? Where is your book of Roles? Robin: My book? Buddy... in two volumes, right here. Ted: A great book. Lily: Yeah, I'm reading it. Robin: So, I have told you, I take a break on that side. Ted: It's going to happen. Marshall: Bluntly. Robin: What? Ted: You'll fall in love. Marshall: Very soon. Robin: It's unlikely, I focus on my career, finished the rencards. Ted: We play Pyramid. What people are saying just before meeting the love. Marshall: Kelly Harris, a fellow law school, said... "The law school is too hard, I want to focus on courses. "Six months later?Married! Robin: It's good but... Ted: Travis Frenchroy, replacing bartender told me... "I'm done with all these rencards. I want to concentrate on my fan fiction of Star Trek. "Six months later... Married! Robin: I answer? It's good for them... Marshall: Matthew Blitz, accounting job, said... "I will die alone.To focus as much on taxes this year. "Six months later? PACS and plans to marry pending the enactment of the Act currently in the Senate from New York! Ted: It happens, whatever you say. It is a law of nature. Marshall: Judged. By nature. Ted: Trust me. I would not get interested in relationships. I would not be single if I wanted to be single. Lily: Okay. Are you ready? Ted: Ready for what? Lily: Three years ago, Shelly started working at my school.When I saw her, I said, "It's perfect for Ted." Ted: Why do not you talk to me now? Three years earlier, Lily enters MacLaren's with Shelly. Shelly: I usually hate rencards arranged but Ted looks great. Lily: He is. It is so great and attentive and intelligent. Marshall: Another chicken and stick to you the crown! Ted tries to make the most of chicken fingers in his mouth. Lily: I do not see it. It must be voluntary. So, another bar? Lily leaves the bar with Shelly. Ted, with chicken fingers in the mouth: This girl is super nice with Lily! Ted: Yeah she was pretty. Lily: It still is. And you're ready. Marshall: But you can put three times more than chicken fingers in your mouth. You know. Lily: I will fix it but promise me not to do anything stupid. Ted: I promise to do anything stupid. Ted (2030): And I kept that promise. But just because... it never came. A school where Lily works... Shelly: I know. I'm sorry, I am ashamed. Lily: You should! Shelly: This is the case! Lily: You should! You should! Shelly: This is the case, it does! This is false. I could not wait to meet Ted but I arrived at the bar an hour early and I met this great guy. Kind, serious genius. Lily: And you met him at McLaren's? Shelly: Just at the bar. Lily: What is the name there? Shelly: I should not say. And sh1t. This is Lorenzo Von Matterhorn! Barney opened his door. Lily: You... dirty bstrd. End flashback Marshall, Lily, Robin, Ted and wife Lily was seeing are at the same table and watch Barney in diving suit, sitting at another table, alone. Woman: So, he got Shelly? It must have upset you. Lily: Bluntly. Flashback Lily is Barney. Lily: I had put aside for Ted Shelly for 3 years. Barney: My hen, Ted did not miss much. She is brainy, boring, a bit boring in bed. In fact it would have been perfect for Ted.Oops! (Lily hits him) If I had known she was there for Ted, I would have obviously not done, but... given the circumstances, I think Ted would be proud of me. I managed The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. End flashback Woman: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? Lily: Exactly, yes. Flashback Lily: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? Barney: Glad you asked. LORENZO THE VON ~ ~ MATTERHORN Barney is on his computer. Barney: To achieve the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is what you need, basic knowledge in web design and a truly unique fake name. So think about your fake name right away. You? Fine.Now choose your target. (It is now at the bar) Preferably a girl with a great big... phone. (He approaches the counter Shelly installed) Yeah that's me. Shelly: I know you? Barney: I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Shelly: You are, kind known? Barney: Yes. You do not know who I am, does not it? It feels good for once. Nice to meet you... Shelly: Shelly. Barney: Shelly? Again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. It is written as it is pronounced, with two "T". (He leaves) Then, once you leave, she takes out her phone and tries Lorenzo Von Matterhorn on the Internet. And that's when she discovers... A series of fake websites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. A false item of business on Lorenzo, the hermit billionaire. The fake of the Explorer Club newsletter on his trip to the North Pole in an airship, a feat of imagination and challenge. The fake medical journal with a story to make you cry the doctors saying that a reduction of the pen1s is not an option. And time to return... (Barney returns to Shelly) I hate to be cheeky, but I can offer you a coffee? Shelly: Yes! Please. Barney: How much is a coffee today, $ 50? And here we go. He leaves the bar with Shelly. Lily: It's horrible. You realize you've broken her heart? She is inconsolable. Barney: Why would it be inconsolable? The airship of Lorenzo will not disappear in the Arctic for a week. Sorry if this is that someone told her that it was lies. [SCENE_BREAK] At school... Shelly: It was all lies? Lily: It was all lies. Shelly: The expedition in the airship? Lily: Lies! Shelly: The artificial island in the shape of his face off Dubai? Lily: Lies! Shelly: Finishing third in the contest of Laser Tag? Lily: Men... Actually, that's true. I went there. Shelly: You went to the Vatican? Lily: Lies! Barney: Oh my God! Well, I hope you are pleased with you. Lily: What? Barney: Thou hast broken my heart. Lily: Me? Barney: You! She will never trust a man. You've spoiled for Ted.Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, the twin brother of Lorenzo. End flashback Lily: Do you believe? He says it's my fault. And by the way, Ted, I bet she go out with you again. Ted: I'm thinking. Do I want to date a girl that Barney was typed?Help me for harmonies. Of course. All, making the chorus: No way... Lily: That must bother you a bit. Robin: It's his life. These girls had it coming if they are stupid enough to be fooled. Marshall: I agree. You've seen one called The Snåsa? ~ ~ THE Snåsa Flashback Barney at the bar with a woman. Woman: You're an astronaut? Barney: Actually, I'm in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA... Snåsa. Woman: Snåsa? You went to the moon and everything? Barney: No Moon you know, but I went on Slune. Woman: The Slune. End flashback Robin: If you fall in there, you break my heart, but sorry, you're sdébile. Woman: So, then? Flashback Lily: Well, Barney, you go out... You just get out of a sincere relationship. You're a big boy now. You can return to your towers to two euros. Barney: Tours to two euros?! None of these towers is. The Tower A except two Euros. THE TWO TOWERS ~ ~ EUROS Barney is dressed and speaks with a woman. Barney: I am the bassist for Tower Two Euros. And even that involves expensive hair extensions. Now, if you allow, I have to prepare for the event tonight. The I exécuterais he will not come.Glad you asked. ~ THE THERE WILL NOT ~ Barney: The To run it will not come, you will need the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Got it? Fine. For generations, this is the place chosen by New Yorkers for reunion with their lost lovers of view, you need to go to every girl and say, "He will not come." Woman: What are you talking about? Barney: Let it go. (He goes to another woman) He will not come.(Then another) He will not come. She's not coming? Sorry. (The woman leaves) Until... He will not come. Woman: No? But we agreed. We always said we would meet again here. Tonight it. I'm an idiot. Barney takes her in his arms to console her. At the apartment, Ted and Marshall are at the console. Robin: I'll fetch the newspaper. Ted: Or rather, look for a husband. Marshall: Grave. Robin: You must stop, seriously. The last thing I'm looking for now is a relationship. Ted: Taking the newspaper, think to watch the ads for marriages.For yours. Marshall: It's like that. Have you any idea how many times in my life when I went to look for frozen waffles frozen in vain? Robin: Thousands? Marshall: Millions. But when I go in search of a mirror or the remote because Lily and I had an argument and she has hidden there, whereupon I fall? Frozen waffles. It's like that. You go out to get the newspaper, but you come back with frozen waffles.And there, frozen waffles he's a guy. As long as you're there, you take it back frozen waffles? And there, frozen waffles are... frozen waffles. Barney, entering: Everyone, code red! Emergency. Lock.Nobody gets out. Robin: What happened? Barney: I tried the he will not come, and it worked. Monstrous.You should have seen this girl. Robin: I'm leaving. Robin fate. Barney: So, we came up to me, and I go to my room to prepare the camera... lighting candles... and when I go out, nobody, paper and more roles! We all know who is responsible for that. Lily: Yes, we know. Barney: Al-Qaeda. Lily: No, you idiot. That was me. Barney: You... enfoirée dirty! End flashback In McLaren's... Barney is still dressed in diving. Woman: You have stolen the Book of Roles? So, the daughter of the Empire State Building? Lily: An actress friend. Flashback At Ted's apartment... Barney: An actress. Of course. That explains his perfect diction and style of Drag. Lily: I'm almost to the point of taking this book and put it on the net for everyone to see. Barney: You would not dare. Lily: No, as you stop scams and confidence tricks, deception, underhand, tricks, schemes and embobinages. Barney: You did not say nonsense. Lily: No more nonsense! Barney: Slim. End flashback Robin: Sorry to interrupt but check it out. Ted: No. ~ ~ THE Ted Mosby Flashback Barney pretends to Ted with a woman. Barney: I was abandoned at the altar. End flashback Ted: Oh, my god, it's horrible. I wonder if it works. Marshall: And yet this is not the worst. Do you saw My pen1s grants wishes? ~ THE MY pen1s grants wishes ~ Flashback Barney is dressed as a genius. Woman: Really? A genie comes out? Barney: Only if you rub hard enough. End flashback Woman: And what happens after it? Ted: He starts singing and objects come alive and dance with him. Marshall: It's not very well designed. This is not Ms. Stinsfire. Woman: And in real life? Lily: A few hours later... Flashback A knock on the door. Ted will open. Barney comes into diving suit. Ted: Apparently, it will rain. Barney: If you wonder, I would be at McLaren's playing a character from the Book of roles being called The Diver. That's all. He leaves, walking with fins. Lily: It's good. I put the Book of Roles on the Internet. Baby, you can put the Book of Roles on the Internet? Marshall: Sure baby, but there is something odd. I flipped through the whole book. There is no role called The Diver. Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily have joined Barney at the bar. Barney: Now you want to know what the diver. In fact, it was on the last page of the Book, but I pulled in case. But do not worry.You will see it in action. You see the blonde next to the bar?Cizzible repérizzée. Lily: Barney, no. You are... Barney: Forget it, kid. If anyone should be angry with me, this is Robin. She loves the book. Robin: I did not worship the book. Barney: But what...? The Book of the Rolls, this is gold. Granted this is truly spectacular. Robin: We just broke. The costumes are nice, but... it just broke. Barney: I did not know you felt it. I was so caught up with my own projects as... Damn, she looks out there. Quickly dispersed. Everyone will sit at another table except Barney is left alone, and Lily goes to see the woman at the counter. Lily: It's good. You see that guy over there in diving suit? End flashback Lily: And here we are. Woman: Wait. Why he wears a wetsuit? Marshall: I have no idea. And it's killing us, Claire. It kills us! Claire: Let's ask him. They joined Barney at his table. Lily: So what does the diver? Claire and here, in passing. Barney: Hello, Claire. I am Lieutenant Frank Lyman. I train dolphins bomb detectors for... You know what? I can not do that.Robin, I'm sorry. I think this break is harder for me than expected.The Book of roles was just a way to change my mind. Robin: It's okay. It's hard for me too. Look at me. I gave up on relationships. Marshall: She is getting married. Ted: I will prepare my toast. Marshall: I have to check my tuxedo. Robin: I'll knock your heads like two coconuts. Lily: I'm delighted that you stop it. And frankly, the real Barney is better than all the false Barney's Book of Roles. Barney: Is it true? Claire, you must have heard a lot about the real Barney tonight. Want some coffee? Lily: Before refusing, you should know that in this neoprene combined with what appears to be a pair of socks... Barney: A Pringles, but still. Lily:... is an incredible kind. He's funny and it's one of my best friends. And he came out with this gun. Robin: It's a good guy. Ted: Come on, go out with him. Marshall: It's a coffee, huh? Robin: It's nothing. Claire: Okay, okay. Going for coffee. Ted (2030): And at the end of the evening... Barney share in the company of Claire. Marshall: I'm proud of him. It takes a lot of Pringles to be as vulnerable. Lily: I had a message from Barney. "Look under the table." (She looks under the table and finds an envelope) A page from the Book of Roles. Robin: It says what? Ted: It's The Diver. ~ ~ THE DIVER Flashback Barney: Step one, talk to a friend Book Roles. Step two, play with one of his colleagues and make angry she steals the Book.Step three, put the combi and say you will do a final round, The Diver with the sexy girl next to the bar. Your friend, let's call her Lily, told him everything about the book. Now the hard part.When Lily and daughter are questioning The Diver, remove the mask, and pull out the stops on your deepest insecurities that do not exist because you are awesome. Sad for you, Lily talks about you to the girl who agrees to have coffee. And... is... gone. End flashback Lily: You dirty bstrd...! Ted, a woman I'll call you. (The woman leaves and joins Robin and Ted Marshall) For those who count the points, The Ted Mosby works. Marshall: It is. You say you do not want a relationship. Well, the love of your life will not pass this door, and this is... this kind. A man with blonde hair and large between. Robin: I will not fall in love with him. Ted: Yes, because it is... this kind. Between an old man in turn. Robin: No comment. The blue jacket, it does not suit me, so... Marshall: Right, because here it is. It is this type! (A woman enters) Let him at least a chance. Get out a bit with it, see if it can give something. Robin: I will work. Marshall: Yeah, right. Robin: I'm really going to work. Ted (2030): And the irony of history... The studio work of Robin, a man coming towards her. Man: You, Robin? Robin: Yes. Man: Don, new co-host. Ted (2030): This was the day she met Don. Robin: Damn, Marshall.	Plan: A: the dating scene; Q: What does Barney try to reenter after he and Robin break up? A: Playbook; Q: What is the name of the book that Barney uses to reenter the dating scene? Summary: Barney pulls out all of his greatest tricks to reenter the dating scene after he and Robin break up with the use of the Playbook.
[Scene: A church where Phoebe and Cole's wedding will be held. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is arranging some flowers in vases while Phoebe's walking around wearing a microphone.] Phoebe: Piper, did you check on the cake? Piper: Yes. Phoebe: That's good because I don't want the cake to be delivered until after the linens arrive. Piper: I checked on the cake. Could you please take off that microphone? Phoebe: Yeah, sorry, just checking the sound system. (She takes it off.) What about the limo? Honey, did you book the limo? Piper: It's all taken care of. Along with the DJ, the caterer, the table arrangements and the rice. Phoebe: Rice? No-no-no-no. We can't throw rice. Piper: Why not? Phoebe: Well, because the birds can't digest it. And they will blow up. Piper: Okay, so we'll throw bird seed. Or-or we'll release balloons. Phoebe: No-no, we can't release balloons either. They float to the ocean and the whales mistake them for squid and I can't be thinking about whales washing up on the beach during my wedding, you know what I mean. Piper: Honey, I know you want the perfect day but you need to relax a little bit, and breathe, breathing's good, breathing is your friend. (Paige walks in.) Paige: Whoa. Is this a wedding or a coronation? Phoebe: Um, where is my dress? Paige: Oh, I don't have it. Phoebe: Ah-h-h, I'm not breathing. What do you mean? How could you forget my dress the day before the wedding? The bridal shop's closed tomorrow. Paige: Relax, it's open tonight, I'm planning on picking it up on my way to the rehearsal dinner. Phoebe: Oh. Piper: Alright, why don't we sit down. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sitting is good. (They sits on the pews.) I think I'm a little stressed out. You know, 'cause I just want tomorrow to be perfect, no glitches. Natural or supernatural, you know. No magic, no ghosts. (She looks up.) You guys understand that? I just want tomorrow to be nice and normal. Piper: Honey, I promise you we will have your perfect wedding. By this time tomorrow, you and Cole will be joined in holy matrimony. [Scene: Underworld. A cave. Cole and the Seer are there.] Seer: Holy matrimony will be the worst possible thing that could happen. It'll keep you from ever reigning as the Source. Cole: That can't be right. Seer: It's what I foresee. Unless of course you cancel the wedding. Cole: I can't. I need Phoebe. Seer: Yes, I can see that too. Cole: We've been through this. Cole's love for Phoebe still exists within me, I can't overcome it. If I'm to regain what I've lost it has to be with Phoebe, marrying her. Seer: Even if it means losing your son? Cole: A son? You saw a son in my future? Seer: More than a son. You and Phoebe Halliwell will produce the most powerful child the magical world has ever seen. Cole: That's my boy. Seer: No, he won't be your boy, he'll be theirs. On the side of good. Unless you marry the witch in a dark way. Cole: That's impossible, the wedding's tomorrow, I don't have time. Seer: Then your son will never be heired to your kingdom, he'll be heired to their destiny. Cole: Not if I destroy the white wedding. Then find a way to lure her into a dark one. I'll have to move quickly, start a fight between Phoebe and one of her sisters. Paige. Seer: Did you really thinking sibling rivalry going... Cole: Not by itself, no. I'll have to get a demon to attack, to distract them. While you're doing that, I'll set Paige up. Mix a potion or two to insight the infighting and then poof! watch the white wedding disappear, literally. Seer: Still, how will you get her to marry you in a dark way? Cole: What do I need for that? Seer: A dark priest to perform the ceremony. At night, in a cemetery, and of course the groom will have to drink her blood. What are the chances of that? Cole: Good. Very good. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Living room. Everybody is sitting around the table, including Darryl and Victor, having the rehearsal dinner. They are all giggling.] Piper: And what about Phoebe, who was speed walking down the aisle. Phoebe: I was not. Cole: You left your dad. (They laugh.) Okay, attention. (He taps his glass with a knife and stands up.) I have something for my groomsmen, two fine gentlemen who I chose to stand by me on the most important day of my life, because well, they're the only ones I know. Leo: Wow, you have to admire his honesty. (Cole picks up two gift bags and hands them to Darryl and Leo.) Cole: Here you go. Leo: Thanks. (They look in them.) Darryl: Wow, cool, engraved golf balls. Titleist Pro V ones. Thanks, man. Leo: I don't golf. Victor: Hey, I'll take them. Leo: They've got my name on it. (Victor takes them from Leo.) Victor: So? Phoebe: And for my two beautiful bridesmaids whom I chose because they're my two best friends in the whole wide world. (She hands them a gift basket.) Paige: Aww, Phoebe. Phoebe: There's a bonsai tree for balance and harmony and a dream catcher so that all your dreams will come true, just like mine have. Paige: This is so great, tarot cards. My deck is totally trashed this is perfect. Phoebe: Yeah, that's just in case you need psychic services while me and my new husband are busy getting busy. (The phone rings.) Oh, I hope that's the photographer. Darryl: Hey, Leo, I got an extra stogie, you wanna join me? Leo: I don't smoke. Victor: I'll take that. Leo: But I do eat chocolate. (They stand up.) Piper: Leo, no, wait, wait, wait. No, Leo, we need to wait for everybody else. (They leave the room.) Paige: See what future has in store for Cole and Phoebe. (She flips over the Lovers card.) Oh. (Then she flips over the Despair card, then the Death card.) Oh, no. (She looks over at Phoebe.) Cole: You don't really believe that stuff do you? Phoebe: Oh, I am so sorry. There's just so many details. You know, I practically bit Paige's head off today at the church because she didn't pick up my dress on time. Paige: Which is now in the attic. Yay. Cole: Excuse me, I'll be right back. (Cole leaves the room. Piper comes back in with a plate of food.) Piper: So what did the cards say? Piper: Oh, nothing. [Cut to the kitchen. Cole flames out.] [Cut to the attic. Cole flames in. He walks over to Phoebe's wedding dress and waves his hand in front. It changes to a larger size. He looks at the tag which says "Hold for Phoebe Halliwell" and changes it to "Hold for Millie Platt". He flames out.] [Cut to the dining room.] Piper: Try the cards again, see what comes up. (Cole walks in.) Paige: Oh, uh, maybe later. Cole: So, I don't mean to spoil anybody's fun but I should be going. Leo: Going where? Cole: Hotel. (Phoebe hugs him.) Not supposed to stay in the same house as my bride the night before the wedding, right? But Phoebe has the number in case of emergency. Piper: Goodnight. Leo: See you later. (Phoebe and Cole head for the door.) Phoebe: So what are you gonna do on the last night as a single guy? (He grabs his coat.) Cole: Ooh, if I told you that, you'd never marry me. Phoebe: I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff right now. Cole: You do? Phoebe: Yeah. And some how I've never felt safer in my whole life. Are you okay? Cole: No. Not really. (They kiss.) You have no idea how difficult you are making this for me. Phoebe: I do. But you have to go. You'll have me soon enough. Cole: I hope so. (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cemetary. A mausoleum. The Seer and an elderly man are there. The elderly man is smashing a crypt with a sledge hammer.] Man: I saw some witches lurking around this crypt one night. A couple of three years back. I think this is where they buried it. Seer: I can always count on you to help. Man: Well, you're on of the few left. The dark priesthood's a lonely calling these days. I haven't seen a human soul in my collection plate in months. Seer: I'll be sure to make a donation. Dark Priest: Bless you, child. (He takes a box out of the crypt.) You know, it's not a wise move to unearth a Lazerus demon. They're mean and unreliable. A bad combination. Seer: I know. Dark Priest: It's just that after you kill one, you have to bury the remains to prevent resurrection. Seer: Yes, I know. Dark Priest: Well, what I want to know is what's a wise old Seer want with one of these messy creatures. Seer: That's my concern. Dark Priest: Don't you mean the Source's concern? I've heard the rumours. Seer: A new Source has risen. Dark Priest: And lucky to have you as a Seer. Still you've always worked in a strictly advisory capacity, and yet here you are digging up demons. Seer: So? Dark Priest: So, what's in it for you? Seer: I had a vision. This Source will have a son, the greatest power in the history of magic. Dark Priest: And you'll be the hand that rocks his cradle. Seer: Once I get rid of his mother, yes. Dark Priest: Very nice. (He opens the box and scatters the ashes on the ground. They form into a demon.) Tell the new Source I live to serve him. [Scene: A hotel room. Cole is sitting at a table mixing together a potion. The phone rings and he answers it.] Cole: Hello? Phoebe: I had to call. It's an emergency. Cole: Phoebe, what is it? Phoebe: I needed to hear your voice. Cole: I'm glad you called. Phoebe: You are? Cole: Yeah, something's been bothering me. Maybe it's my imagination but Paige was a little, I don't know, weird at dinner, kinda cold. Phoebe: Really? I didn't notice. Cole: Mm, I wouldn't bring it up but I don't wanna do anything to come between you and your sister. If us getting married is gonna hurt the power of three in anyway... (The potion explodes.) Phoebe: I don't know what to say except Paige has been nothing but supportive over our marriage. Cole: Forget about it, it's probably nothing. Phoebe: Okay. Cole: So, how do you look in your wedding gown? Phoebe: I don't know yet. I've been too busy to try it on. Cole: Well, when you do, I want you to picture me taking it off. (There's a knock at the door.) Gotta go, babe. Love you. Phoebe: I love you... (He hangs up. He waves his hand over the potion and it disappears. He goes over and opens the door.) Leo, Darryl and Victor: Hey! Leo: What is a wedding without a bachelor party? I've got poker chips, corn chips, I have chips. Victor: I've got the entertainment from my private collection I might add. (He holds up a video.) Darryl: You wouldn't happen to have the key to the mini bar in there would ya? (He peeks in Cole's jacket.) [Cut to the manor. Paige's bedroom. She lays the tarot cards on the bed.] Paige: What does the future have in store for Phoebe and Cole? (She flips one card over to reveal Lovers, then Despair, and then Death.) Oh. (She grabs the cards and rushes into Piper's bedroom. Piper is there brushing her hair.) Piper. Look, I can't keep this to myself any longer. (She holds up the cards.) This is Phoebe and Cole's tarot reading. They were lovers in the past, despair fills their present, but this is their future. Piper: Oh, please, this looks nothing like Death. Prue met him, I know. Paige: No, you're missing the point. This is a bad omen. Piper: Well, not necessarily. Paige: Look, Cole's a nice guy, fine, whatever. But face the facts, he was the world's greatest demon for what, a century? Piper: Yeah, but we've been through that. Paige: Yeah, I know but a century's worth of blood and bad karma, you don't just walk away from that. God, I don't know, maybe I'm just worried. Piper: Well, have you ever considered that maybe you drew those cards because they represent your feelings and not Phoebe's future? Paige: It's a possibility. (They hear Phoebe scream.) [Cut to the attic. Phoebe is wearing her wedding dress which is way to big for her. Piper and Paige walk in.] Phoebe: (to Paige) You! You've ruined my wedding. And the bridal shop is closed tomorrow. Piper: Now, uh, Phoebe, let's not blow this out of proportion. Phoebe: My wedding dress could double as a circus tent. Okay, I think things are already out of proportion. Paige: All I did was pick up the dress. Phoebe: The wrong dress! Paige: No, I checked the tag. Phoebe: Oh, really? Let me just look at that. Millie Platt. Do I look like Millie Platt to you? Do I? (She throws the tag at Paige. Paige picks it up and looks at it.) Paige: That's impossible. Phoebe: Okay, you know if you would have picked up the dress when I asked, we'd have time to fix this. Paige: Don't worry, I can sow, I will take in the seams, all of them tonight. (A demon smokes in. He waves his arm and Piper flies across the room. Phoebe gets in a fighting stance and her dress slips off. She kicks him and he crashes into a cupboard.) Sword! (A sword orbs off the table and stabs the demon. He turns into dust.) Phoebe: You'd better do something about this mess. Paige: There has got to be something in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe: Not the demon, my wedding dress. (She gives it to Paige and storms out of the attic.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Piper is looking through the Book of Shadows while Paige sows Phoebe's dress. Leo orbs in with Cole.] Cole: Are you hurt? Phoebe: Baby, you're not supposed to be here. Cole: Leo said it was an urgent call, I was worried. Phoebe: Thanks. I'm fine. (They hug.) No demon is gonna stop me from marrying you tomorrow. Now my sister's another story. Paige: I said I was sorry. Leo: What kind of demon attacked you? Piper: This one. A Lazerus demon. Cole: A Lazerus demon, you sure? Piper: "Rare, high level demons, with telekinetic powers." Yep, that's the bad boy we popped. Cole: Has it resurrected yet? Piper: Resurrected? (The Lazerus demon resurrects.) Paige: Behind you! (The demon uses his telekinetic powers and throws Piper and Leo across the room.) Sofa! (The sofa orbs out and orbs back in to where Piper lands.) Cole: No! (The demon uses his power and the chandelier above Phoebe drops on her head. Paige: Piper blow him up! (The demon smokes out.) Piper: Leo. (Leo rushes over to Phoebe and heals her. She groans. Leo and Cole help her up.) Cole: Are you okay? Phoebe: I think so, yeah. Piper: Uh, he's gonna be back. The book says that Lazerus demons get stronger the longer they are out of cemetary ground. Paige: Cemetery ground? Cole: It's the only way to keep them from resurrecting. You bury them. Phoebe: So that means someone intentionally dug them up, to attack us, the night before my wedding. Leo: The question is who, and why? Paige: I know why. To stop the wedding. I did two tarot readings, Phoebe, they both said that marrying Cole would only cause death and despair. Phoebe: What? Paige: Well, I'm surprised he didn't tell you, he saw the first reading. Cole: If I run scared every time things look dark for us, we never would've made it this far. Phoebe: That's true. Is there anything else bothering you, Paige, that I should no about? Paige: No, not really. Piper: Okay, good. Paige and I will be on demon watch tonight so that Phoebe can get some sleep. Phoebe: Ugh, I'm too wired to sleep. Paige: Well, maybe I can help you relax with one of my aromatherapy treatments. Piper: See, now this is the spirit. Everything will be fine as long as we stay together, stay calm. [Time lapse. Underground. Cole pushes the Lazerus demon into a wall.] Lazerus: I just did what the Seer told me. Cole: Did she tell you to kill my fiancé? 'Cause that's what you almost did. Lazerus: The Source before you would've rewarded me for killing one of those witches. Cole: The old Source was reckless and now he's dead. You wanna follow into his grave? Lazerus: No. Cole: Then let's get this straight. You work for me now. Do what I tell you, I guarantee you will never see another cemetery. But hurt my bride again and I will bury you myself. (He throws a fireball at him and he turns into dust.) Stay down until I need you. (He turns to the Seer.) How dare you unearth a Lazerus demon. Seer: We need a creature that could lure your witch into the cemetery. Cole: But a Lazerus demon. Seer: The witches must believe they are under attack for your plan to work. Cole: There's no plan with Phoebe dead. Seer: I'm beginning to wonder if you can handle your new mantle of power. Cole: Are you questioning my leadership? Seer: No. You inherited the world's evil, I'll follow that anywhere. Cole: But? Seer: Cole. He's still alive inside you and he loves the witch. Cole: I know, I can feel it. Seer: When you were a demon, his love for her ruined more than one good plan. Cole: It's different now. Cole's voice used to scream inside my head now it's just a whisper. We can use his feelings to control her. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's bedroom. Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Piper: So we'll take shifts and I will go first and then Paige will wake you up in the morning. (Paige walks in holding a jar of cream.) Phoebe: What is this? Paige: My face cream, also known as heaven in a jar, it's a special blend. Phoebe: You made it? Paige: Mm-hm. It's got patchouli oil for balance and confidence, and chamomile to relax your nervous system. I'm really sorry about your wedding dress. I want everything to go so great for you tomorrow. Phoebe: It's okay. (They hug. Paige leaves.) Piper: She's trying. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I know. (She smells the cream.) Couldn't hurt, right? Piper: You still feeling tense? Phoebe: It's not really tense, just, um, extremely alert. Piper: Phoebe, I know you want the Cinderella fantasy, but I don't want you to be upset if everything doesn't go exactly as planned tomorrow. Phoebe: Where is that coming from? Piper: Well, I was just remembering my wedding day, and I remember I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect. Phoebe: And then Prue crashed through the front door on a Harley. Piper: Yeah, only Prue could make my wedding day all about her. But the point is, I barely remember the ceremony, it's a total blur. And in the end all that matters is that you marry the guy that you love, and if you manage to do that your wedding was perfect. [Time lapse. Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe is asleep. Cole flames in and sits next to Phoebe. He chants something.] [Cut to the hallway. Paige walks out of the bathroom and sits back in the chair next to Phoebe's door. She hears voices in her room.] [Cut to Phoebe's room. Phoebe's face glows. Paige opens the door and Cole quickly changes into Piper.] Paige: What are you doing in here? Piper: Shh. Just checking on Phoebe, you were in the bathroom. (They leave her room and close the door.) Paige: I didn't even hear you. Piper: Well, that's a problem don't you think? What if I was a demon? Paige: Oh, good point. Piper: When you're on demon watch in this house, you don't take bathroom breaks. Paige: Got it. (Piper starts to walk away.) Piper: And whatever you do, don't fall asleep. (Paige nods. Piper waves her hand and Paige falls asleep instantly. Piper/Cole walks into Piper's room. Piper is asleep in bed. She waves her hand over Piper and then flames out.) [Scene: Morning. Manor. Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe wakes up and looks at the clock. It's 11:07am. She walks out into the hall where Paige is sound asleep.] Phoebe: Paige. Paige! You were supposed to wake me up. (Paige wakes up. Phoebe rushes into the bathroom. Piper comes out of her room.) Piper: What happened? What time is it? (Phoebe screams and comes out of the bathroom. She has little red pimples all over her face.) Phoebe: Look at me. Piper: Whoa. Phoebe: (to Paige) What do you have to say for yourself? Paige: I fixed your wedding dress. Phoebe: Paige! This is all your fault. (She storms into her room.) You put a mojo on my face cream. Paige: I did not, those are all natural ingredients. (Phoebe starts to cry.) Phoebe: If you have something to say to me, why didn't you just say it, Paige? Piper: Okay, we all just need to take a deep breath. Paige: Say what? Phoebe: Don't think that I don't know how you really feel about Cole. Paige: Oh! I have been nothing but supportive of that demon. Phoebe: Ex-demon. Paige: Oh, is that like ex-convict? Piper: Alright, that is not necessary. We all just need to calm down. Paige: Face it, Phoebe. This wedding has been filled with nothing but bad omens from the start. Phoebe: And they all seem to be connected with you now, don't they? Piper: Alright, that's it! Break it up. You go back to your corner and you, you're gonna get ready and we're gonna put lots and lots of makeup on you. Paige: Oh, face it. There's not enough spackle in the world to fill those craters. Step back. Phoebe: Oh, now what are you doing? Paige: Trying to prove to you that I'm not trying to sabotage your wedding. Piper: I don't think... Paige: "Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the seen to be unseen." Phoebe: Magic. She just put magic on me. (The spots disappear.) Piper: And it's working. Phoebe: It is? (Phoebe turns invisible.) My zits are gone? Piper: Yeah, I can, I can honestly say that your face is completely clear. Phoebe: Woo hoo! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Paige and an invisible Phoebe are there. Piper's looking through the Book of Shadows.] Phoebe: It's my wedding day. The one day of my life that is all about me and nobody can see me. Paige: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it. (Phoebe walks across the room holding a piece of paper. Paige follows her.) Phoebe: Stop following me, go away! Piper: Hang on, Phoebe, don't lose it now. (Paige holds up Phoebe's wedding dress.) Paige: Here, you can't walk around naked and I think it'll fit now. Phoebe: Ahh, Paige! (She snatches the dress of Paige.) What difference does it make? I am invisible. My wedding is supposed to start in less than one hour and everyone I've ever known will be there, and I'm never gonna be able to face them again. Ugh! (She pushes some books off a table.) Piper: Alright! This is all just a back fire to the vanishing spell. There's gotta be a reversal in here. (Victor opens the door.) Victor: Hey, what's going on up here? You guys aren't even dressed yet. Where's Phoebe? Piper: She is still putting on her face. Victor: Wh-? I can't keep stalling this photographer forever. He's done portraits in every room in the house. Phoebe: Send them out to the church. Victor: Phoebe? Piper: That was me. I'm working on my impressions. (Piper covers her mouth.) Phoebe: Dad, go downstairs and wait for us there. Piper: See? I'm working it into the toast. (Victor leaves.) Phoebe: Ugh, what's the use. I might as well call Cole and tell him it's off. Piper: Oh, honey, we-we-we'll... Paige: Something you said is bothering me. Why would there be a backfire to the vanishing spell? Piper: Personal gain, I guess. Paige: Yeah, but there wasn't any of that when I used it to help others, why Phoebe? Piper: What, are you suggesting that there is outside magic at play here? Paige: Yeah. The same magic that dug up the Lazerus demon and then there's the acne and then the super-sized wedding dress. Phoebe: She's rambling. Should I yell at her again? Piper: No! She might be onto something. Paige: Listen, we're not fighting each other here, we're fighting evil. We kick evil's ass every day. Piper: Sometimes twice a day. Paige: Okay, today's a day just like any other day. Evil wants this wedding cancel? Screw that. We're not gonna go down without a fight. Okay, so what we do is get dressed, we head for the church while we look for a way to fix Phoebe. Are you with me? Piper: Yes! Phoebe? Phoebe: Grab the book. Let's go. Piper: Get the dress. [Scene: The church. Everyone is seated on the pews. The photographer takes a photo of some people. Leo walks over to Cole.] Cole: The wedding was supposed to start fifteen minutes ago. Where are the girls? Leo: Phoebe needs to talk to you but in the dressing room. Cole: It's bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the wedding. Leo: I don't think that that's going to be a problem. [Cut inside the dressing room. Piper, Paige and invisible Phoebe are there.] Paige: Okay, this one's gotta work. It's the spell that reversed my enhanced breasts. Here. (Paige hands Piper a piece of paper.) Piper: "Guiding spirits hear our plea, annul this magic let it be." (Piper burns the paper with a candle.) Phoebe: Can you see me? Piper: Not even your breasts. Phoebe: Ugh. Paige: That's it. That's the last reversal spell we have. Phoebe: It's okay you guys. You did your best. (Someone knocks on the door. Piper opens it. Cole's there.) Piper: (to Paige) Come on, let's go. We'll leave you two alone to talk. (Piper and Paige leave.) Cole: Wait a minute, where's Phoebe? Phoebe: Over here. (A bunch of flowers wave in the air.) Hi, honey. Cole: Phoebe? You're invisible? Phoebe: Yeah, looks like whatever demon's trying to stop our wedding succeeded. Cole: Oh, honey. Phoebe: We tried every trick we know to fix it and nothing's worked and now... Cole: Phoebe? (She picks up a tissue and blows her nose.) Phoebe: I wanted the perfect wedding. But I didn't want it for me, I wanted it for you. You have given me so much, you don't deserve this. Cole: It's okay, baby. We'll find another way, I promise. Phoebe: Okay. Cole: I'll make the announcement. Phoebe: Alright. (Piper and Paige walk in.) Cole: The wedding's off. Paige: Not necessarily. Piper: Get everybody in their positions, we'll start with the processional, tell the quartet. (Piper takes Cole to the door.) Cole: Whoa, what about Phoebe? She's invisible. Piper: Not for long, we hope. So go on, and look for your bride walking down the aisle. Go on. (He leaves. Piper closes the door.) Phoebe: Wait, hold on here, I'm a little confused. I thought we were out of spells. Paige: Mm-mm, not yet. You know how every attempt we've made to reverse your invisibility has failed? Phoebe: Yes. Paige: Well, what if we don't reverse it, we just shift it from one sister to another. Phoebe: Wait, you mean transfer the invisibility to you? No way, I won't let you. Paige: Phoebe, every Cinderella needs a fairy godmother. Let me be yours. (Phoebe sighs.) Phoebe: Paige... Paige: Please, I need to do this so you know that I'm not trying to stop your wedding. [Cut to outside. Leo walks over to Darryl and Victor.] Leo: The natives are growing restless in there. Darryl: Yeah, I know, a couple have already left. Victor: Would somebody tell me what's going on? (Cole walks in.) Cole: I wish I knew. Places everybody. (Leo and Darryl walk inside.) Seer: Aren't you going to seat me? (Cole and Victor turn around to see the Seer standing there.) Victor: I'll get her. Cole: No, allow me. You should wait for Phoebe. (Victor goes inside. The Seer holds onto Cole's arm and they walk inside.) They'll recognise you. Seer: You never contacted me. Did your potion worked? Cole: Yes. Seer: And did they use the spell you thought they would? Cole: Yes, and now she's invisible. Seer: Then why are all these people here? Cole: I think they found a spell to reverse our magic. Seer: And did she find an obedience spell to make you do as she pleases. Cole: Don't forget who you're talking to. (The Seer sits down. Piper comes out of the dressing room and stands in her place.) (to Seer) Where's the Lazerus demon? Seer: In my chambers awaiting your command. Cole: Order him to attack. The girls will stop the ceremony to save innocent lives. (The Seer leaves. Cole stands in his place. The quartet plays the wedding march. Victor and Phoebe walk down the aisle.) Darryl: (to Leo) Where's Paige? Leo: I don't know. (Invisible Paige pulls up a chair near by and sits down. She sniffs.) Paige: I'm gonna cry. Priest: Thank you all for coming to honour the love between Cole Turner and Phoebe Halliwell. (The Lazerus demon smokes in near by.) Paige: Oh, no. Priest: Before we get started, I must ask, is there anyone who has just cause why this couple should not be united... (Paige picks up a candle stick and hits the Lazerus demon on the head.) Lazerus Demon: Ugh! (Paige pushes him out the door and the door slams shut. Everyone turns to look.) Priest: This is your time, your platform... (The Lazerus demon uses his telekinetic power and Paige flies across the room. Everyone in the church hears.) Piper: I'll check that out. Keep going. (Piper runs out of the church.) Priest: Since nobody here can show just cause, it's my privilege to ask... Piper: (from outside) You put her down! Paige: Ahh! (The hear a crash. Everyone turns to look.) Leo: Excuse me. (Leo runs out of the church.) Phoebe: Keep going, please, just keep going. Priest: As I was saying, it's my privilege to ask, who gives this woman to this man today. Victor: Her sisters and I do. Piper: (from outside) Son of a bitch! Paige: Ahh! Leo: Piper, look out! (They hear another crash. Phoebe drops her bouquet and runs outside. Cole follows.) [Cut to the room. Piper is lying on the floor. Phoebe and Cole race in. The Lazerus demon uses his telekinetic powers on Leo and he flies across the room, knocking over Phoebe. The Lazerus demon picks up a chair. Phoebe runs towards the demon and he is about to throw it at her.] Cole: Stop! (Piper blows up the demon.) Phoebe: Where's Paige? Piper: I don't know. Phoebe: Leo, where's Paige? Leo: I can't get a read on her. Wherever she is her heart's not beating. (Cole sees Paige's blood spill onto the floor.) Cole: Over here. (Leo runs over and starts to heal her. Darryl and the Priest rushes in.) Priest: What the hell is going on in here? Phoebe: That's it. (She pulls off her veil.) The wedding is off! Tell everyone to get outta here. Go-go-go-go! (She pushes Darryl and the Priest out of the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Church. All the guests have left. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Cole and Leo are there. Piper is on the phone.] Piper: (on the phone) Just send the food to the house. Yes, and the bill. Not as sorry as I am. Thank you. (She hangs up.) Caterer's taken care of. Phoebe: Thank you so much, Piper, I just, I can't deal with any of that right now. Piper: It's okay, it's been a tough day. (to Paige) How about you? How are you doing? Paige: Uh, still a little shaky. Leo: We nearly lost you. Lucky the demon hesitated when Cole yelled. Phoebe: Yeah, but why did he? Cole: Maybe he was surprised somebody yelled at him. Leo: We should all just be thankful that we're alive. Paige: And visible. Although I'm not sure how that happened. Cole: I do. The magic you were under was supposed to stop the wedding, it wore off once the wedding was cancelled. Phoebe: Oh, you mean when evil won? I am not stopping until I find out who sent that thing after us. Piper: Speaking of the demon, the crispy critter needs to find its way back to a cemetery. Cole: I know a local haunt, I can take it there. Piper: And what happens when my freeze wears off on the way? You'll be as defenceless as a cat toy. Phoebe: I'll go with him. I wanna make sure it's in the ground for good. Paige: Lets all do it. Cole: Fine by me. [Cut to a cemetery. Cole is standing in front of a grave. The girls and Leo are catching up to him.] Cole: I found a spot. This headstone's from the early 1900s. Nobody'll come digging here anytime soon. Leo: Piper, if you see anyone coming, freeze them. (Cole starts digging.) Piper: (to Phoebe) Don't worry, honey. It took Leo and me three times to get married. It'll happen for you and Cole. We just need to figure out what kind of evil stopped your wedding a why. Paige: I have an idea. Why don't we just ask it? Cole: Oh, don't be crazy. That Lazerus demon is a time bomb waiting to explode. Phoebe: I want to know who ruined the happiest day of my life. (Paige tips the ash out of a box onto the ground.) Cole: Phoebe, I'm asking you, please, for me. Don't do this. Phoebe: Cole, I can't believe you don't wanna know. (The Lazerus demon resurrects.) Piper: One flinch and I blow you into briquette. Phoebe: Who resurrected you? (He points to Cole.) Lazerus Demon: Ask him. You swore I'd never see a cemetery again if I helped you. You set me up. Piper: Cole, what is this demon talking about? Cole: I have no idea. Lazerus Demon: Liar! You ordered me to attack them in the church. Is this how you reward your loyal servants? Phoebe: Okay, Cole, what is going on, because I gotta tell you right now I am freaking out! Cole: Oh, what's the point you already figured it out. (He throws a fireball at the Lazerus demon and he turns into dirt.) Phoebe: Oh, no. No, it can't be. No, it can't be. No. (She looks away. Cole turns into the Seer.) Paige: It's not. It's the Seer. Piper: Not for long. Phoebe: No, don't. (She goes over to the Seer.) Where's Cole? Seer: Unconscious in the mausoleum. Paige: Why would you save us one day and try to kill us the next? Seer: For the same reason. To keep the balance of power between good and evil. Piper: Don't be cryptic. I hate cryptic. Seer: I had a vision. If you married Cole on this day, his love would've helped you evolve into a much stronger witch, too strong. I had to stop you and I did. (The Seer flames out.) Piper: Bitch. Phoebe: Cole. Leo: Go. I'll bury the rest of the demon. [Cut to the mausoleum. The Seer flames in and changes back to Cole. He loosens his tie and lays on the ground. Piper, Phoebe and Paige run in.] Phoebe: Cole? (They go over to him.) Cole: Where's the Seer? She's in the cemetery. Piper: Yeah, we know, we had a little chat. Paige: I'm surprised she didn't kill you. Cole: It's not her style. (He groans.) Killing's beneath her. She only does it if she has to. Phoebe: Come on, let's get you home. (Leo walks in.) Leo: You okay? [Time lapse. They are walking through the mausoleum.] Paige: I still don't understand. If the Seer wanted to stop Phoebe from marrying you, wouldn't she want to kill you? Cole: I don't know, you'd have to ask the Seer. (They walk past a small chapel in the mausoleum.) Leo: Look, a chapel. Paige: A chapel in a mausoleum? Leo: That's a first. Piper: It's cute. Cole: And perfect. Phoebe: For what? Cole: A wedding. Piper: I couldn't agree more. Phoebe: Really? Paige: You've got the rings. Leo: And we're all here. Phoebe: Okay, I do. I-I mean, I will. Let's go. (They walk inside. The dark priest removes his hood. Cole hands Phoebe a rose and she ties it to his shirt. She pricks her finger on one of the thorns and it bleeds. Cole puts her bleeding finger in his mouth. They go through the ceremony and they place the rings on each other's fingers.) Dark Priest: Not two but one, then life be gone. You may kiss the bride. (Cole and Phoebe kiss.) Phoebe: We did it. Cole: Yes, we did. (They kiss again. The Seer appears near by.) Seer: It is done.	Plan: A: her wedding day; Q: What is Phoebe preparing for? A: The Source; Q: What entity has taken over Cole's body? A: the Seer; Q: Who tells Cole that if he can marry Phoebe in a "dark way" it will ensure that their future son will be the most powerful, evil being ever? Summary: As Phoebe prepares for her wedding day, she is completely unaware that The Source has taken over Cole's body. Meanwhile, when the Seer tells Cole that if he can marry Phoebe in a "dark way", it will insure that their future son will be the most powerful, evil being ever.
THE ANDROID INVASION by Terry Nation Part Three 5:45pm - 6:10pm [SCENE_BREAK] (Recap from last episode: Ext. forest clearing. Doctor is grinning at Sarah, who is acting strangely emotionless. She draws a gun and points it at him.) SARAH: Get back, Doctor. (He grins even wider and starts rummaging in his pocket.) DOCTOR: I knew at once. The real Sarah wasn't wearing her scarf. (He pulls the scarf out of his pocket. As he does, he pulls off his hat and whaps the gun out of her hand. It fires as it hits the ground. He grabs her by the shoulders.) DOCTOR: (threateningly) What have you done with Sarah? Where is the real Sarah? (She pulls away and falls to the ground. As she does, the Sarah mask falls off and we see the circuits inside her head. She's not dead, and she looks up at the Doctor through her staring android eyes. He looks back, horrified. He takes the moment to start running off into the forest. Sarah sits up stiffly, her back to the camera and her robotic face obscured by her hair. She picks up the gun and fires many shots at the Doctor, but misses. At the last moment, the camera cuts to show us a close-up of her robotic face.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal ship control room. The Kraals are watching the action on the viewscreen through the android Sarah's eyes.) CHEDAKI: (os) A foolish experiment, Styggron! The Doctor is at large! (Styggron turns off the screen and turns to face Chedaki.) STYGGRON: There's no way of escape. He can do no harm. (The camera cuts to show us Chedaki, and we see Sarah lying unconscious, prostrate on a bench.) CHEDAKI: He is a Time Lord! STYGGRON: At the end of his time. (We see a close-up of Sarah's face. Her eyelids are slightly open - she's not totally unconscious after all.) STYGGRON: (continuing) The androids are now fully trained. Both the village and the Doctor will be destroyed in precisely nine minutes. CHEDAKI: (surprised) Nine minutes? STYGGRON: The invasion countdown has begun. There will be no variation in the schedule. CHEDAKI: I understand... Is there a safe method of destroying the training ground? STYGGRON: A matter dissolving bomb, which I shall place in position. (Over Styggron's line, another Kraal enters carrying a rectangular object about the size and shape of a big ol' altar copy of the Bible. This Kraal appears to have facial hair - he's got a Fu Manchu moustache and a goatee. Chedaki turns to see the other Kraal with the bomb.) CHEDAKI: Good. (Chedaki notices Sarah.) CHEDAKI: The Earth female! (astonished) She is still alive? STYGGRON: Yes, Marshal Chedaki. She has been preserved. CHEDAKI: Why? STYGGRON: (amused) Another of my "foolish experiments." The virus which our androids will use to cleanse the Earth of its human population has only been proved in laboratory conditions. I wish to test it on a living human organism. (Styggron takes the bomb from the unnamed Kraal. Chedaki mumbles as they leave the room...) CHEDAKI: Good... (something incomprehensible) (Once they've left, Sarah stirs. She's obviously got the mother of all headaches as she pushes herself up into a sitting position and gets up off of the bench.) SARAH: Nine minutes... (She leaves out the same door as the Kraals.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext. village. An android vicar and two jumpsuited generic androids are gathering as a truck pulls up. The Doctor walks into the village from another direction, on the other side of a hedge, and spots the truck. He peers around the hedge to see the androids loading up the truck with all of the replicated villagers. The truck drives off and the Doctor emerges from behind the hedge and walks into the main square.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal spaceship, main hatchway. We can see the village right on the other side of the hatch.) CRAYFORD: (sharp) Come on! Hurry along! (Under the watchful eye of Harry Sullivan, UNIT soldiers begin entering the ship, stooping to go through the low doorway. They are followed by the villagers.) CRAYFORD: Quickly, now! (Cut to a close-up of Sarah, peering around a corner at ground level, right behind Crayford's lower legs. Then cut back to the view of the hatch itself. A few more androids come through, followed by RSM Benton.) CRAYFORD: Any more? BENTON: We're the last. (Benton seals the hatchway and exits. Sarah sees how this is done.) CRAYFORD: (to Harry) Make sure the blast doors are closed. You have four minutes. HARRY: Yes, sir. (They both exit. Sarah comes out of her hiding place and reopens the door. We now see the door for the first time - the bottom is randomly toothed and very obviously does not seal. It slides up, and Sarah runs out of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext. village square. The Doctor is pacing, pondering the situation. He walks slowly towards the camera, staring away from the camera, in the direction of the red phone booth. Eventually he backs right up to the camera and a pair of Kraal hands come down on his shoulders. He cranes his neck around until he can see his assailant.) DOCTOR: Ack! (He sees Styggron and smiles warmly.) DOCTOR: Oh, hello! STYGGRON: (gruff) Resistance is inadvisable. DOCTOR: Look here, we haven't been introduced, have we? STYGGRON: This is no time for niceties! (He pushes the Doctor roughly away. The Doctor falls to the ground, and two white androids that are just standing there, off to the sides, walk up and grab the Doctor. Styggron gestures to them and one goes off to collect a vine. They use the vine to tie the Doctor's hands behind the monument in the centre of the square. Styggron puts the bomb down at the base of the monument and switches it on. Out of its case, it looks like a typewriter, and makes a genuine "vworp, vworp" sound. The androids start walking back to the ship.) DOCTOR: Well, well, well. An M-D bomb. STYGGRON: In exactly three minutes, our simulated Earth village will evaporate, and you with it! DOCTOR: (smiles) You're really enjoying this, aren't you? (Styggron says nothing, but scowls at the Doctor and lurches away, following the androids.) DOCTOR: (cheerful) Don't go! Stay! Just for a few minutes. Then we can all go together! (The pitch of the device begins to slowly modulate. The Doctor struggles with his bonds, but to no avail. Then Sarah arrives.) SARAH: Doctor? Doctor! DOCTOR: I'm over here! (She runs into the square and stops at the foot of the monument.) SARAH: Listen, this place is going to be blown sky high! Well, don't just sit there, come on! DOCTOR: (annoyed) I'm not just sitting here, I'm tied up! (Sarah immediately understands and runs up the side of the monument to check the bonds.) DOCTOR: There's a knife in my right hand pocket. (Sarah retrieves the knife and begins hacking away, to no avail.) SARAH: It won't cut! It's as strong as steel! DOCTOR: Of course...it's artificial ivy. (Close-up of the bomb. Its timer is moving closer and closer to the detonation zone.) DOCTOR: Try the sonic screwdriver. (Sarah starts rustling around in the Doctor's pockets.) DOCTOR: Set it to theta omega. (Sarah finds the sonic screwdriver and gets working on the creeper.) RECORDED KRAAL VOICE: (os, from bomb) Thirty seconds. Twenty-five seconds. (The creeper begins to twist and melt under the force of the sonic screwdriver.) RECORDED KRAAL VOICE: Twenty seconds. (The Doctor is freed and he and Sarah dash away.) SARAH: Hang on! I know one of the ways out! (Sarah leads the Doctor in a frantic dash for the Kraal spaceship.) RECORDED KRAAL VOICE: Fifteen. Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve. Eleven. Ten. Nine. (The tempo of the bomb's FX suddenly accelerates as it prepares to detonate. Sarah and the Doctor sprint towards the door of a cottage.) RECORDED KRAAL VOICE: Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero. (Our heroes dash through the door of the cottage...and into the Kraal ship. Sarah shuts the hatch behind her, but the force of the explosion still knocks them down in slo-mo before the hatch can shut completely.) (Cut to a shot of the square, where cheesy ray FX can be seen emanating from the bomb. The village gradually fades away, vaporized by the bomb, and all that's left is a wasteland with virtually no vegetation.) (Cut back to the interior of the Kraal ship, where the Doctor and Sarah are picking themselves up.) DOCTOR: A bit close. SARAH: (out of breath) Wouldn't...care...to have been...any closer. (They stand to find themselves surrounded by Crayford and several androids - the Harry Sullivan 'bot, and two of the UNIT 'bots.) CRAYFORD: Escort them to the cell. I must report this to Styggron. DOCTOR: (immediately interested) Styggron? Who's Styggron? HARRY SULLIVAN: (snaps) Move! (They lead the Doctor and Sarah away.) DOCTOR: I prefer our Harry. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal control room.) RECORDED KRAAL VOICE: (os) Leader rocket in launch phase. Time to lift-off, ninety minutes. STYGGRON: Have the pre-launch checks been completed? GRUFF UNNAMED KRAAL: Yes, the androids are being loaded now. (Crayford runs into the room.) CRAYFORD: Styggron! We have recaptured the girl. She was with the Doctor. STYGGRON: (astonished) The Doctor?! CRAYFORD: Uh, it seems she helped him to escape. STYGGRON: He must be destroyed. At once. Have him killed. CRAYFORD: (perplexed) Why, Styggron? (smiles) There's really no need. STYGGRON: (slightly taunting) Oooh, you're singing a different song now, Crayford! They must be eliminated, isn't that what you said? CRAYFORD: That was because they were a danger to the plan, Styggron! I mean, what harm can they do now, locked away in a cell? STYGGRON: (dismissive) The Doctor is no longer of any use. CRAYFORD: But he would make a valuable subject for analysis! STYGGRON: (dubious) Analysis? CRAYFORD: Yes, the knowledge and experience of a Time Lord would make a, well, a useful addition to the Kraal data banks. STYGGRON: You were happy for him to die, provided I killed him. You are squeamish, Crayford. A puny-minded weakling, like all your race. (Crayford bows his head, shamed.) STYGGRON: Oh, very well, very well. CRAYFORD: (genuinely grateful) Thank you, Styggron. (He leaves. Styggron turns to the other Kraal.) STYGGRON: We shall analyze his brain. And then he shall die. (Dramatic musical sting plays as we cut to the next scene.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal ship, outside the cell. A UNIT guard is standing outside with a rifle. The camera cuts to inside the cell, where Sarah is sitting on the floor.) SARAH: ...not on Earth... What do you mean? Of course we're on Earth! (The Doctor is standing by the door with the sonic screwdriver.) DOCTOR: Harry and Benton and the rest are not the real thing. SARAH: Not real! DOCTOR: Fakes. Copies. Electronic androids with well-programmed computers instead of brains. (He tries the screwdriver on the door.) SARAH: It all makes sense now. DOCTOR: If I'd had my wits about me, I'd've known it from the start. Remember that high level of radiation I'd noticed when we left the TARDIS? SARAH: Yes, you thought there'd been a leak from the defense station. DOCTOR: That was natural radiation. The Kraal planet Oseidon is the only planet in the galaxy with a level that high. (He tries the screwdriver again to no avail.) DOCTOR: This is no good. (He sits by Sarah.) SARAH: (worried) Won't that radiation make us ill? DOCTOR: Well, It's not that bad...yet. SARAH: All the same, the sooner we get away from here, the better. DOCTOR: Quite right. Any level of radiation is too high, and it's getting worse all the time. Not be long before the place becomes uninhabitable. That's why the Kraals are planning to leave and take over Earth. SARAH: So, everything we've seen has been a fake! DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: But the village! DOCTOR: Yes, and the woods, and the defense station. Every last detail, copied down. Including the inhabitants. SARAH: Like a sort of training ground. (Cut to Crayford, listening through a speaker outside the cell.) DOCTOR: (os) Exactly. And they hardly made a slip. One or two, perhaps, like mint-fresh money all the same date. Otherwise, they got everything right. (Crayford stops listening and opens the door to the cell. He walks in, followed by the guard.) CRAYFORD: I've, uh, been listening to your conversation. DOCTOR: (stands) Well, nobody's perfect. CRAYFORD: I hear you're impressed by the thoroughness with which this operation has been planned. DOCTOR: Well, it is impressive. But doomed to fail in the end. CRAYFORD: (smiles) Oh, no Doctor! No, shortly I shall leave for Earth. (happy) The Kraals will project me through the space-time warp and my ship will make a normal re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere. DOCTOR: (chuckles) A normal re-entry? Crayford, you've been gone two years, assumed dead. CRAYFORD: Ah, yes, Doctor, but I have recently re-established radio contact with Earth. (almost gleeful) They know about the stabilizer failure that sent me into orbit around Jupiter. They know how I've rationed my provisions, particularly drinking water - my recycling experiments. (barely able to contain his excitement) Already, every telescope on Earth is trained on that little patch of sky where my XK-5 will reappear. DOCTOR: (apprehensive) A gigantic hoax. CRAYFORD: Exactly, Doctor, yes! And all brilliantly planned by Styggron, the chief scientist of the Kr... DOCTOR: But helped by you! He couldn't have done it without your knowledge and memory. CRAYFORD: Yes, yes, uh, the Kraals have a superb technology... SARAH: (speaking up for the first time) Why did you do it? What made you betray Earth? CRAYFORD: (slightly annoyed) Well, didn't Earth betray me? I was written off, wasn't I? Left to die in space. It was the Kraals who saved me! (He squats down next to Sarah, wringing his hands as he recounts his nerve-wracking story.) CRAYFORD: I mean, I was, I was dying, wasn't I? I was being...torn apart by gyro failure... And they reconstructed me, Miss Smith, in every detail. (He laughs lightly to break some of the tension.) CRAYFORD: Except the one eye that...for some reason couldn't be found. Oh no, I owe them everything. SARAH: Well, that's what they want. Everything! They want the world. CRAYFORD: Oh no, the increasing radiation here is making them a doomed race, well, and they just have to leave, don't they? I mean, why should people with such skill just be allowed to die? SARAH: (quietly offended) The human race has a few skills of its own. CRAYFORD: Yes, yes, I know, I know. But the Kraals have promised me that no humans will be harmed, as long as they obey the ultimatum that is being prepared. The Kraals are going to take over the northern hemisphere and...and live in peace! I have their word for it! DOCTOR: (quiet) You've been brainwashed, Crayford. CRAYFORD: (excited again) Before my spaceship lands, the space shells with the androids inside will be launched. Now, if anyone sees them, they'll just be taken for meteorites, you see? (gleeful) And then the androids will take over the key positions in the defense complex and clear the way for Marshall Chedaki to bring in the main invasion fleet without a shot being fired! DOCTOR: I see, I see. Tell me, if your Kraal friends are so unviolent, why did Styggron try to vaporize me? CRAYFORD: Oh yes, yes...well, they thought you were a danger. DOCTOR: (patronizing) Oh... CRAYFORD: (oblivious) You see, Miss Smith's memory prints had showed your past intense involvement in the defense of Earth. But I have persuaded them to utilize that knowledge - it won't be wasted. See, Styggron's machine extracts and feeds into a computer the entire memory and entire intelligence of any living being. It's...painful, I know. But it's better than dying. UNNAMED [b]KRAAL VOICE:[/b] (os) Service mechanics move to leader rocket loading bay now. (Crayford stands.) CRAYFORD: Sorry, I...I have to go now. Now, trust me! I know what I'm doing! (Crayford leaves, followed by the guard. The door slides shut behind him.) DOCTOR: (rubs his eyes) We have to warn Earth. SARAH: How? (despondent) We don't even have the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Kraal control room. Shot of several squat organic-looking objects on a table. They look almost like partially melted candles. On closer examination, two are sitting on a plate with a piece of bread - they appear to be a water pitcher and a glass. There is also a gray object next to the plate. Harry Sullivan opens it up - it's some kind of hermetically sealed safety container. He removes a red container from inside.) STYGGRON: (os) Only one drop. (Harry opens the container. Chedaki enters.) CHEDAKI: Launch countdown commences in sixty minutes, Styggron. STYGGRON: (to Harry) Careful how you handle it. CHEDAKI: You are testing the culture! STYGGRON: Yes, Marshall. (Harry picks up the water pitcher and holds the red container next to it.) STYGGRON: (continuing) That small vial contains a death sentence for the entire human race. Be careful! CHEDAKI: (flinches away) Is it safe? STYGGRON: As long as only the androids have contact with the virus. (Harry puts a drop of the stuff in the water, then goes to give the vial to Styggron.) STYGGRON: (hastily) No, no, no, no, no, place it in the sterilizer! (He reseals it and puts it safely back in the container. He then hands it to Styggron, in its safe container.) STYGGRON: Good. Now take the tray to the detention cell. (Harry picks up the tray with food and tainted water and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. cell. The Doctor is working on removing a panel from the floor using the sonic screwdriver, which draws bolts out of the floor panel quite easily. He grins and removes the panel.) DOCTOR: (grinning fiendishly) Yes...I think this has possibilities. SARAH: What are you going to do? DOCTOR: If we can somehow lure that guard in, give him a good stiff jolt... SARAH: Electrocute him?! DOCTOR: Well, randomize him, to be accurate. He's only a machine. (The door opens.) SARAH: Someone's coming! (They pop the panel back and Sarah sits on it. Harry enters, carrying the food.) HARRY: Food and drink. (The Doctor takes it from him and sets it on the floor.) DOCTOR: How fortunate. Bread and water. SARAH: It's better than nothing, I suppose. I'm dying for a drink. (She starts to pour herself a generous glass of the tainted water. Harry grabs the Doctor by the shoulder and stops him from joining her.) HARRY: You're to come with me. DOCTOR: Careful! (He is pulled through the door. The door goes down.) SARAH: Where are you taking him? DOCTOR: (through the gap as the door closes) Don't worry, Sarah! And don't waste the water! Remember, it's an excellent conductor! (She ponders the glass of water for a while, then dumps it back in the pitcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Disorientation Centre. The Doctor is brought in before Styggron.) DOCTOR: So this is where you put Crayford together. Careless of you to lose his eye. STYGGRON: Harry, I have little time. (He gestures commandingly towards the operating table.) DOCTOR: (smug) Going somewhere? STYGGRON: (equally smug) Yes, Doctor. (The UNIT androids guide the Doctor towards the table. He tries to make a break for it, but they overpower him very quickly and get him down on the table.) STYGGRON: Secure his limbs! (He struggles, but they get him pinned down.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. cell. Sarah has opened the floor panel again and drawn a heavy power coupling up from the space below. She carefully disconnects the coupling and holds the live power cord cautiously in front of her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Disorientation Centre. They're getting everything set up for the Doctor to be copied. Soon the androids leave with only Styggron to start the machine.) STYGGRON: In a moment, Doctor, the knowledge and experience of your entire life will be transposed into our data bank. DOCTOR: That's stealing! STYGGRON: While you are making your small contribution to Kraal culture, I shall be on my way to destroy the humans that you have so often defended. This time, you will be powerless to help them. DOCTOR: (alert) So you do intend genocide.STYGGRON: Earth's resources are limited. They cannot be wasted supporting an inferior species. DOCTOR: How do you intend to destroy the humans, Styggron? If you use nuclear weapons, you'll raise Earth's radiation level beyond your own point of tolerance. STYGGRON: Nothing so crude as fission weapons. The androids will disseminate a virus. It will cause a contagion so lethal the Earth will be rid of its human population within three weeks. Then it will burn itself out, and the world will be ours. DOCTOR: And where will you be all this time? STYGGRON: Crayford's rocket will provide an effective quarantine chamber. I shall remain inside until the virus has done its work. And then I shall signal Marshall Chedaki to bring in our invasion fleet. DOCTOR: The best laid schemes of mice and Kraals gang aft agley. STYGGRON: What? DOCTOR: Something will go wrong, Styggron. STYGGRON: Nothing will go wrong! (Styggron switches on the device. It starts doing its stuff, and the Doctor writhes in pain beneath the weird blue lights.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. cell. Sarah is setting up the trap. She sets the power cable down by the left side of the door, then pours a line of water across the floor in front of the door, so that the cable is in the water. She kneels down to one side of the door, empties her pockets, and takes off her scarf to use in some manner.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Disorientation Centre. The Doctor is in pain and the light is turning red.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. hallway outside cell. Smoke is coming out from underneath the door. The guard looks, curious, and goes to check it out. He opens the door and sees Sarah's scarf burning just inside. He steps through and Sarah touches his gun barrel with the other end of the cable. He shouts, his sweater burning, and slowly collapses to the ground with lots of zapping sound FX. After he falls, his chest explodes and we see the circuits and things inside. Sarah leaves, but with a look of great remorse for having killed the guard, even though he was an android.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Disorientation Centre. Styggron is watching the Doctor writhing in pain.) STYGGRON: In eight minutes, Doctor, the Analyzer will have completed its recording. Unfortunately, I shall not be here to turn it off. Your brain tissues will expand under the stimulation until, eventually, your skull bursts. I imagine it will be a most...disagreeable death. DOCTOR: We shall see. STYGGRON: Defiant to the end, Doctor. But you will soon be screaming for mercy. And there will be no one here. (Styggron leaves. The Doctor closes his eyes for a moment, then is assailed by a fresh batch of pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. hallway. Sarah is creeping along. The analyzer in the Disorientation Centre can be heard in the distance. She ducks out of sight as Styggron passes by, then goes to rescue the Doctor. When she gets there, the light has changed and he's almost motionless from the pain. She examines the console, but can't make head nor tail of it. But she knows she must free the Doctor, so she tries a switch. The light goes back to blue, and the Doctor's head rolls to look her way, obvious relief on his face. She tries another switch and this makes it much worse - the Doctor's back arches in pain and he cries out. So she turns that one the other way and the thing turns off finally.) SARAH: Oh, Doctor... (She runs over to the table and starts undoing his bonds.) SARAH: Doctor! Doctor! Come on! Please, come on, wake up! DOCTOR: I am awake...I think... (Sarah comes up next to him and he shushes her.) DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh... Once upon a time, there were three sisters, and they lived at the bottom of a treacle well. Their names were Olga, Vasha, and Elena. Are you listening, Tilly? SARAH: I'm Sarah! Sarah! DOCTOR: I feel disorientated. SARAH: This is the Disorientation Centre. DOCTOR: That makes sense. SARAH: Come on! (He leaps off the table. A recorded Kraal voice announces the pending lift-off - on minute.) DOCTOR: Hurry! SARAH: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Crayford's ship. It'll be leaving in a moment. SARAH: Doctor! (They run away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Close-up of Styggron.) STYGGRON: The Earth female has escaped! Find her! [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. rocket silo. The Doctor and Sarah consider their options, CSO'ed onto a model shot of a rocket. There's wind blowing their hair around.) DOCTOR: We're going into that rocket, Sarah. SARAH: (can't hear over the wind) What?!! DOCTOR: (louder) I said, you and I are going into that rocket! KRAAL VOICE: (os) Time to lift-off: thirty seconds. (Camera cuts to the interior of that rocket. Sarah and the Doctor enter via a simple door. There are several of the oblong android pods on the floor.) DOCTOR: Come on, Sarah. We need protection. (They rush over to one of the pods and begin opening it.) DOCTOR: The G-forces will crush us on blast-off. (There's an android inside the pod, motionless, just like the one Sarah had found earlier by the TARDIS. Sarah gasps.) DOCTOR: It's all right. It's not activated yet. (They yank the 'droid out of the pod by the arm as the countdown hits 10.) KRAAL VOICE: (os) Ten. Nine. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. rocket control deck. Styggron is sitting beside Crayford, who is wearing his space suit and controlling the ship.) KRAAL VOICE: (os) Eight. Seven. Six. Five. [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. cargo deck. The Doctor bustles Sarah into the pod.) DOCTOR: In you go, quick! Quick! KRAAL VOICE: (os) Four. Three. (The Doctor looks for a place for himself.) SARAH: Hurry! KRAAL VOICE: (os) Two. One. Zero! (It's too late. The rocket blasts off, and the G-forces immediately press the Doctor down to the ground.) (Cut to stock footage of a Saturn V lift-off. Then cut to a close-up of Sarah's face. She's gritting her teeth, and is obviously having trouble breathing.) SARAH: It's crushing...me...Doctor... (Cue music, cut to credits.)	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who is captured by Styggron? A: the fake village; Q: Where is the Doctor left to die? A: the disorientation chamber; Q: Where does Sarah escape from to try to rescue the Doctor? Summary: The Doctor is captured by Styggron and left to die in the destruction of the fake village but Sarah escapes from the disorientation chamber to try and rescue him.

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