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[In the opening scene, Brian arrives at the office, where his loyal employees are already bustling busily about. He's greeted by the indispensable Cynthia.] Cynthia: Your coffee. Your calls. Your advance copy of "Heat." Brian: Did Remsen see it yet? Cynthia: The fax just came. He's over the moon. Ted: Brian Kinney is back with a vengeance! Cynthia: This campaign is gonna start a revolution. The no more bullshit era of advertising! Ted: Next thing you know, there'll be soft drink jingles about rotting teeth and hyperactive kids. [Ted hands Brian a stack of papers and a pen.] Brian: What the f*ck is that? Ted: Oh, just a few thousand forms for you to sign. Insurance, pension and benefits, SSI - Brian: And I can think of so many more interesting things to do with my right hand. Ted: I'm sure you can. But in the meantime, I need to attend to the business of setting up your business. Oh - I also wanted to give you this. [He hands Brian a folded up piece of paper. Brian looks at it quizzically.] Brian: Who's it from? Ted: Actually, it's from me. It's part of the program. It's called making amends. Brian: (laughs) How sweet. A 12 step valentine. I'm touched, Theodore. But, um - where's the check? Ted: That's about the response I expected! [When Ted leaves, Brian speed-dials Justin's cell and gets a message.] Brian: The point of having a cell phone is that you leave it on! Where the f*ck are you? [Justin is at a firing range, watching Cody shoot at a paper target.] Justin: You're a really good shot. Cody: I practiced a lot when I was a kid. Tin cans in the backyard, rabbits - Justin: You had a gun when you were a kid? Cody: I had a six-shooter partner before I had a two-wheeler. Where I grew up, everyone did. Justin: I wasn't even allowed to have a cap pistol. Cody: Try it. Justin: (shakes head) No, thanks. Cody: Come on. Don't be a sissy. You're right-handed, right? Justin: Yup. Cody: Okay. So hold it with your right hand. Now. Line up your sight with your right eye and pull the trigger. [Justin aims at the target but his hand starts shaking.] Cody: Nervous? Justin: It's my gimp hand. From when I was bashed. It acts up sometimes. Cody: Okay. Then try this. Left hand to your wrist to steady it. Arms out straight. Spread your legs a bit. For balance. Now it's got a kick, so don't resist. Just ride it like the hottest piece of ass you ever had. [Justin manages to squeeze off a shot.] Justin: Wow. That was intense. Cody: How the West was won. But next time - try to hit the target. [Justin tries again, with no more success than the first time.] Justin: sh1t! It's harder than I thought. Cody: I'll tell you my little secret. See how it has no face? Well, I give it one. Someone who deserves a bullet between the eyes. Justin: Like who? Cody: Like Wayne. Captain of the football team. He and his jock buddies held me down while he carved "faggot" on my ass with a penknife. Bang! Or Mr. Mackley, who made me show it to the class. Or my father, who slapped me across the face when I told him what they did. Bang! Justin: Sounds like you have no shortage of targets. Cody: I bet you've got a few, too. [Justin picks up the gun again, aims, fires. This time he scores a direct hit.] Cody: Woohoo! Works every time. So. Who were you thinking of? [Michael shows Ben the latest issue of Rage in the Diner] Ben: "Suck your own dick, m*therf*cker!" This is some pretty strong stuff. Michael: Well, that's how Justin wanted it. He insisted that it had to be that way. [Naturally, Busybody Deb has to put her two cents in.] Debbie: Jesus Christ what the hell is that? Looks like those kid get's a dick stuffed into his mouth. Michael: Right side up, to. Debbie: Gratuitous man s*x is one thing. Personally, I don't mind it. Michael: We know! Debbie: But gratuitous violence - that's another story. Ben: Well, actually, I don't consider it gratuitous. In fact, I'd argue that disturbing as these images may be, they are a legitimate expression of every gay man's outrage at being victimized, and therefore can be justified as a passionate and uncompromising work of art. Debbie: Well, maybe so, but he's still got his dick stuffed in his mouth! [The dick-stuffed-in-mouth debate is interrupted by Vic's arrival.] Debbie: Where the f*ck have you been? I was about to issue a missing persons report! Vic: Do you know how much work it takes unpacking a new place? Debbie: Well, you forgot to unpack your phone? So? When do I get to see it? Vic: Sis, we haven't even gotten the dishtowels yet. [Deb gives him a look. He knows better than to argue with that look.] Vic: But as soon as it's presentable, you'll be our first official guest. Debbie: (calls over to Ben and Michael) Hear that, boys? I am the first official guest! Michael: (to Ben) Did you mean what you said about it being an uncompromising work of art? Ben: Absolutely. Every word! And I hope you'll be as honest with me about my book. It's OK, it's OK. I just gave it to you a few days ago. I shouldn't have said anything. Michael: No, it's not that, it's - it's just that I'm not finished reading it. But as soon as I do - Ben: Oh. (Nods) [We can tell that Michael's hiding something, but apparently Ben is clueless.] [Mel and Lindsay's Happy Fun House.] Mel: Even if I agree to let Larry take over the case Jeanette would never agree. Lindsay: Of course not, they're not just clients, they are friends. Mel: And they depending on me! They gave me their trust. I gave them the promised. There is no reason why I shouldn't representing them! Lindsay: You don't have convince me. There's a bond, a sisterhood, that some people simply can't understand. Mel: Mainly men. [Enter Emmett, who's in the process of moving out.] Emmett: Men? Did someone mention men? Lindsay: One in particular. Mel: My partner, Larry Jacobs. Emmett: Oh, those high-powered, aggressive Jewish lawyer types don't do it for me. (To Mel) Except for you, of course! Lindsay: You got everything? Emmett: Except for you guys. Mel: You're gonna be just fine. Emmett: I know, I know. I'm a big boy. Some say very big. So there's no reason for me not to have my own place. Lindsay: Once you fix it up, you're gonna love it. Emmett: Oh, it came already furnished and ready to move in. All I have to do is unpack. Mel: There ya go. Even better. Go on, goodbye. Emmett: Well, I guess that's it. Lindsay: [to Gus] Say bye-bye to Uncle Emmett. [Emmett departs, not looking too sure of himself.] Lindsay: Alone at least. Mel: Aren't you forgetting someone? And someone else is on the way. We're not alone for the next 18 years. [Daphne's apartment. Cody and Justin are there] Daphne: You went to a firing range? Cody: Once he got the hang of it, he was awesome! Daphne: I thought you hated guns. You even signed that petition in high school. Justin: I still do. You wouldn't believe what it felt like. Cody: See that bullet hole right between the eyes? He was thinking of someone right before he fired it. But he wouldn't tell me who. Daphne: Bet it was Chris Hobbes. Oops! [She catches Justin's look.] Justin: Daphne -- Daphne: Thought so. Cody: Who's he? Justin: He's this high school jock I jerked off once. After that, he didn't like me very much. Daphne: Oh, I always suspected he was secretly in love with you. Cody: He sounds like some of the assholes I went to school with. They were probably afraid of being queer. Justin: Yeah, whatever he was, when he saw me at the prom dancing with Brian - Daphne: Which, for the record, was unfucking real! Justin: He freaked. Afterwards he followed me to the parking garage with a baseball bat. He smashed my skull. I was in a coma, then rehab, for almost six months. Daphne: Can you believe that creep practically went free? A slap on the wrist. He went to community service at the AIDS hospice. Cody: I can believe it. Justin: Last time I saw him, he was there, mopping the floor. He said I'd end up just like the others. That I deserved to die. Cody: I hope you f*cking beat the sh1t out of him! Justin: I was too afraid to say anything. So I just stood there. [Emmett's new apartment is a cheap knock-off of the loft. He takes Brian and Michael on a tour of the place. Brian keeps dropping crumbs from a sandwich he's eating.] Emmett: So, what do you say? Michael: It's great, Em. I'm very happy for you. Emmett: Oh, careful Brian. You're dripping. Brian: Uh, you know this place is uh,... basely reminisence of somewhere I... my loft. Emmett: Brian! I ask you to be careful. Brian: You call that crack chair a Barcelona? You wanna bite? Michael: No. Brian: You can eat my sandwhich, too. Michael: Cut it out. I told Ben a lie. A big, fat lie. Brian: (amused) OK, who'd you f*ck? Michael: No one! I finished his book three days ago and I told him I'm still reading it. Brian: That's it? That's the big fat lie? A big fat lie is "I won't come in your mouth." [Emmett calls from the other room] Emmett: Just don't come on the sofa! Michael: He wants me to be honest, to tell him what I really think. Brian: And what do you really think? Michael: It was kinda boring. Brian: Kinda like him? He's your partner, Mikey. You've gotta sit him down, take his hand and say, "Honey, it's a steaming piece of horseshit!" (Brian is laughing) Michael: Could you say that to Justin? Brian: Yeah. But fortunately, the lad's a genius! Michael: (sarcastically) You are so helpful. Brian: And you're pathetic. If you can't be honest, what kind of relationship do you have? Just a cheap imitation. [Emmett looks up from scrubbing his cheap imitation sofa.] [Melanie cuts in Larry's office. She see Jeanette and Anna sitting in front of him.] Mel: Larry, the courtney room... Larry: Come in, Mel. Mel: Hi guys. What... do we have a meeting schedule? Larry: Mel, Jeanette and Anna are discuss the case. Mel: Without me? Jeanette: Mel, we... Anna: Mel, we know how conserative this new judge is. Jeanette: Believe me. It was nothing to do with you. Anna: We love you. Even more than that. Jeanette: It's just... We feel... Mel: I'll spare you the explanation and the tears. I understand, completely. [She leaves the office.] [Cut to Michael staring straight at the camera. Michael is practicing his speech to Ben - out loud.] Michael: Ben, I finished your book and you made some really interesting choices... [Take two] Michael: Ben, I finished your book and even if it's a little long in some places I'm sure that with some editing... [Take three] Michael: It's a great breed especially if you having trouble with sleeping. [Take four] Michael: Ben, I finished your book and... Ben: You did? Michael: Ben, what are you doin' here? Ben: Well, I walk to the gym and I thoughed I took my head inside and say hello. So, you finished it? Michael: Yeah, and I... I just wanna say... [his cell phone rings.] Michael: Excuse me. [he gets it.] Hi, ma. Sure, ma. OK, ma. Bye, ma. [he hangs up.] It was ma. Ben: So, you just wanna say... [A customer waits.] Michael: Uh, wait. $3,50. [The customer smash his petty cash on the counter. Michael take his time and counting it.] Michael: 1...2...3... 10...20...30... 50. Come by anytime. You know I can use the change. customer: Yeah, sure. [the customer leaves.] Ben: About the book. Michael: All I can say is... [Ted comes in] Teddy! Ted: Hey. Oh, I hope I don't interrupting you. Ben: Not at all. Ted: Good. Because I've got something for each of you. You don't have to read it now. Ben: Great. Michael: I'd love to. [Both open the letter and read it] Michael: Teddy, that's so thoughtful and so brave and of course we've forgive you. [Michael hugs Ted] Ted: Thank you, guys. Oh, I've got a few more to delivers. So, I'll see you guys later? Ben: Right. [When Ted leaves, Ben closes and turns the Open sign to Closed. Michael is cornered.] Ben: Now then. The book. Michael: Right. Ben, I finished your book. And um - I loved it! [Justin washing his face, staring at himself appraisingly in the mirror. Then he goes back to bedroom.] Justin: What are you doing? [Brian is sitting up in bed (shirtless) holding a cigarette in one hand and Justin's gun in the other.] Brian: Looky what I found! Sunshine's new playtoy. Justin: You had no business going through my things. Brian: I was looking for a light. Justin: That's bullshit. You were snooping. Give it back! Careful! Brian: Why? Is it loaded? Justin: No. It's only meant to scare people. Brian: For someone who's never seen a Western on principle, you have an awfully keen interest in firearms. Where'd you get it? Justin: Cody gave it to me. Brian: How thoughtful! What's next? A small nuclear device? Justin: It's necessary that we have them. After what happened the other night, we could have been killed. Brian: Play with this long enough and you will be. Justin: Will you just hand it over - Brian: You're not running around the streets with a concealed weapon! Justin: I told you - Brian: "It's necessary!" So that you and Cody can be the Gay Avengers. Heroes of the resistance. Martyrs to the cause? Justin: We're trying to stop violence before it happens. Brian: (laughs) By starting it? Justin: You wouldn't think it was so funny if you were the one who'd been bashed! Brian: Nobody said it's funny. Justin: They hate us! They want us dead! Now gimme the goddamn gun! [He grabs it and walks out of the room.] [Emmett and Debbie, new best friends, are shopping at a Bed, Bath and Beyond-type place. Emmett's buying stuff for his new apartment while Deb searches for a housewarming gift for Vic and Rodney.] Emmett: Just what I'm looking for! Debbie: What do you want with all those candles? Emmett: Creating a invitement inviroment which entertain my... guests. Debbie: You create a f*cking fireheads. Hey how about this for Rodney and Vic? Emmett: Is there something where they can put it? Debbie: Yeah, I hope so. Emmett: I'm sorry, that I'm not that helpful. Debbie: At least you can make a house in your home. My home is a house. Emmett: I guess you miss him a lot, huh? Debbie: Don't you dare ever tell him! I don't want him to feel bad for me. Emmett: My lips are sealed. For that, anyway. Debbie: It's just been a long time since I've lived alone. I'd forgotten how lonely it can get. Especially when you're older. You get used to having people around. To fight with. Laugh with. Bug the sh1t outta them. Nobody bugged the sh1t out of me like Vic. [She picks up a hideous china dog.] Debbie: Em, how about this? Emmett: You know, that would look perfect in your place, but I'm not sure Vic would appreciate it. [Deb looks puzzled but she puts the doggie back. Then she spies some dishtowels and gets all excited.] Debbie: Dishtowels! He said they needed some! Look at this! (She holds up two with roosters on them.) Perfect for a pair of old cocks! [Next up is one of those highly contrived, Brian-to-the- rescue-for-no-apparent-reason scenes.] Lindsay: I'd try talking to her but she wouldn't listen. Now she wouldn't leave the bedroom. Brian: Why the f*ck did you call me? I have no practical skills whatsoever in talking lesbians out of trees! Lindsay: But you do have a remarkable ability to put things in perspective, to see them in a purely objective, practical way. [He allows her to pull him up the stairs. He enters the bedroom. Mel's on the bed.] Brian: Are you gonna lie there sharpening your claws and feeling sorry for yourself or are you gonna get your ass out of bed? Mel: Jesus Christ, you could at least knock! Brian: But if I'd knocked, you'd have told me to f*ck off. Mel: f*ck off! Brian: Too late! Now then. [He grabs a stuffed animal and offers it to Mel. In voice of mock concern] Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you! [Melanie, never known for her sense of humor, merely launches into one of her strident rants.] Mel: You wanna know where he touched me? Right here! In the gut! You wanna know why? Because a lesbian couple with a child just fired their lesbian lawyer with a child so that some straight white male asshole could argue their case! Brian: Makes sense to me! Mel: Why I aren't surprised? Brian: The courts have always been partial to the voice of the straight white male asshole. Mel: Yeah, but this was my case! Brian: It's business, Mel. Suck it up and move on! (To Lindsay) Was that objective and practical enough for you? Mel: Do you believe this? Lindsay: Actually, I agree with him. As much as I understand why you're upset, and believe me, I would be too, I also understand Jeannette and Anna's position. They had to do whatever they could to - Mel: I don't want to hear it! [She storms off. Lindsay looks at Brian, as if to say, "Thanks a lot!"] Brian: Well, she's out of the bedroom! [Justin tells Cody about Brian finding the gun.] Justin: He almost took it away from me. Cody: Christ! Well, next time be more careful. [Justin takes gun out of his bag.] Justin: Here. You keep it. Cody: No, it's okay, I've got others. (But he takes it anyway.) Justin: Others? Cody: Some people collect stamps, others collect injustices. I collect these. [They approach a construction site.] Justin: What are we doing here? Cody: Waiting for somebody. Justin: A new posse member? Cody: (laughs) Not exactly. Say, don't you know that guy? (Points) [Justin stares like he's seeing a ghost. It's Chris Hobbes. It clearly takes great effort for him to remain outwardly calm, but his insides must be churning.] Justin: How did you find him? Cody: Looked him up in the phone book. Now you can tell him what a piece of sh1t he is. [Hobbes walks right past them, not recognizing Justin, who doesn't say anything. But Cody isn't going to let this opportunity pass without a confrontation.] Cody: Hobbes! Justin: (to Cody) Don't! Chris: (to Cody) Do I know you? Cody: No. But I believe you know my friend. Chris: Taylor? What the f*ck are you doing here? [Justin says nothing.] Chris: You looking for a job? I'm sorry, we don't have any openings. At least not the kind you like. Faggots! [He walks off in disgust.] [Emmett has lit every damn one of those candles he bought. Aside from trying to scrub his trick's cum off the couch.] Trick: Sorry. I didn't mean to shoot so far. [He dresses on.] Emmett: You have a remarkable aim. Trick: Clay says it's a trick. Emmett: A trick from a trick. You're leaving already? Trick: I'm get back. My roommate's are waiting. Emmett: Uh, you have a roommate? Trick: He has a big popcorn, grow up on the sofa and watch "Friends". Emmett: It's nice. Trick: We share everything. Clothes. Talk about the guys who we've f*cked. So, you live alone? Emmett: Yeah, the first time. I never afford it. Trick: It's a great place. But I think even when I can afford it I still will live with someone. But that's me. I like to hear that sounds of someones breathing. See ya. Emmett: See ya. [Melanie comes home, still in a pissed-off mood.] Lindsay: You hungry? Mel: No, thank you. Lindsay: Have you eating something. Mel: I said no thank you. Lindsay: Well as long as you safe and sound I guess I go back in bed. Mel: I could understand Brian siding with Larry and Jeanette and Anna. It's no surprise. But you! Lindsay: I'm entitled to express my opinion. Mel: You betrayed me! Lindsay: Do you really think I would ever betray you? I'm simply say that I understand Jeannette and Anna's position but it's usually don't say this about you! As this were about Gus you know goddamn well we would ever do what it takes to get him back. Even that meant firing a friend and hiring a straight men. Mel: Not just a friend - a lesbian mother defending another lesbian mother. Lindsay: This isn't about that! It's about Jeanette's son. What Brian said it may not be right, it may not be fair but it's how it is. [Justin, Daphne and Cody at Daphne's apartment. Justin is berating himself for not standing up to Hobbes.] Justin: I'm such a f*cking coward! Daphne: You should never have gone to see Chris Hobbes in the first place. Why are you digging up this sh1t all over again? Cody: Because it was never finished! It's still not. You've gotta go back there and face him. Justin: No f*cking way! Cody: It's the only way! We'll pay him a little visit tomorrow night. After work. [At Babylon. A martial combat gang shows something on the stage. Ben and Michael find Brian sitting in a corner drinking shots.] Michael: What're you doing? Brian: (Raises shot glass) Thinking! Ben: In Babylon? That's a first! Brian: (to Ben) Is it better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or take arms and by opposing end them? Michael: Huh? Ben: Shakespeare. Brian: An eye for an eye - or turn the other cheek? Fight fire with fire or do unto others as you would have them do - you know the rest. So. Which is it? Ben: It depends on the circumstances. Brian: You're saying there's no such thing as absolute right or wrong? That morality is merely a matter of circumstance? Michael: What the f*ck are we talking about? Brian: Say somebody bashes you and nearly kills you. Does that give you the right to go out and do the same? Ben: Of course not. Brian: Why? Michael: Because two wrongs don't make a right. Ben: Besides, there are laws. Brian: But what if the law failed to protect you? What if the law doesn't give a sh1t? Then what? Michael: Then I guess you'd have to take the law into your own hands. Ben: (appalled) No no no! Violence is never a moral option. Brian: But doing nothing, letting someone bash your brains in, is? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all. [Ben and Michael wander off to hit the dance floor. Ben just won't let this book thing die.] Ben: So just for my own curiosity, you thought my book was slow? Dull? Boring? Michael: What? I never said that! Ben: Just for my own curiosity. Michael: Certain parts felt a little long, that's all. Ben: Which parts? Michael: I don't remember! Ben: Try! Michael: It was just an overall feeling. Ben: Overall...plot? Characters? Theme? What? Michael: I don't know! I guess sometimes I didn't know where the story was going. Ben: Uh-huh. (He's no longer smiling.) Michael: And I wasn't quite sure what the main character wanted - Ben: Uh-huh. Michael: Or how it was all supposed to add up. Ben: This isn't the time or place to talk about it. Michael: You're the one who brought it up. Ben: In fact, I never should have asked you to read it in the first place. Michael: Why do you say that? Ben: Let's face it, you don't exactly have a literary background. Michael: Excuse me if I didn't go to Harvard or Yale! Ben: It's not your fault that you're more justice league than Ivy League. [Mel and Lindsays house. Mel comes upstairs.] Lindsay: So, aren't you gonna to work today? Mel: What for? Mail come? Lindsay: I haven't check it yet. [She opens the door and Ted stops by with his amends letter.] Ted: Oh, then I didn't mail to ya. Mel: C'mon. [Mel goes out for a walk with him. He commiserates with her.] Ted: When Wertshafter fired me, I had the comfort of knowing he was a bigoted straight man with an enlarged prostate but in your case - dumped by two fellow lesbians! Your sense of betrayal must be crushing, staggering, all-consuming. Mel: Thanks, I feel so much better now! Ted: I want to give you this. It's for Lindsay and you. I'm making my amends. I've written them to everyone. Everyone, that is, except Emmett. I just don't know what to say, except that I wish I could change - everything. Mel: I'll give this to Lindz. I'm sure she'll be as proud of you as I am. [They hug.] Ted: Thanks, Mel. You know what's funny? When I was growing up, my father had the serenity prayer taped to the refrigerator. He wasn't in AA. He didn't touch a drop. He just liked it. I saw it ten times a day. Knew it by heart, of course. It never meant anything. Now - it's been my salvation. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." [Brian returns to his office] Cynthia: They new layouts are on your desk. And Leo Brown is expecting your call. Oh, and a young woman, she said she knows you waits in your office right away. Brian: Why, Daphne, what an unexpected surprise! You look particularly enchanting today! Daphne: Mind if you hit on me later? I have to talk to you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut briefly to Justin smoking and looking at the paper target on the wall.] [Back to Brian's office.] Daphne: ...but I thought you should know. Brian: Thanks. It adds up. But there's not much I can do. Daphne: Can't you talk to him? Brian: Been there, tried that. Hasn't done much good. Daphne: What if he gets into a fight? What if he gets hurt? Brian: Then at least he'll know that he stood up. Fought back. That he didn't run away. [Melanie has decided to stop tilting at windmills. She interrupts Larry's meeting with Jeanette and Anna. They look at her a bit apprehensively, but she's come to make peace.] Mel: Excuse me, Larry. I just stopped by to say that I understand your decision and I don't take it personally and that I'm willing to offer my assistance and support, considering the importance of this case, it would be remiss of me not to. [She turns to leave.] Larry: Mel? We could use your assistance and support. [She comes back into the office, ready to be a team player.] [Lonely Debbie's all alone watching TV and pigging out on Haagen Dazs. Someone knocks on the door. Lonely Emmett drops by.] Emmett: Hey, Deb. Debbie: Hey, Em, honey. Emmett: You don't mind if I'm dropping by? Debbie: No, I'm glad your here. Come on in. Emmett: So, how's Vic founds your gift? Debbie: Just say he didn't expecting me so soon. You want some icecream? Emmett: Oh god, yeah. I'm missing the wip cream. [she gets it under the blanket.] Debbie: So, what do you doin' wandering around? So, when it's a nice quietly evening f*cking your brains out? Emmett: Well, it's not what a f*cking brains out can do. Debbie: You have temperature, honey? Emmett: It's nice to have someone to talk to. That'a all. Debbie: I know what you're mean. Emmett: I'm walking over here I was thinking Ben and Michael share their apartment, now the best times are over. Just siting on the sofa after giving some trick the booth. We're eating chips, ice cream. Beside we're fall asleep with our head on each other leaps. Debbie: How about ice cream with two spoon's? Emmett: What kind is that? Debbie: With chocolate chips. Emmett: What are you watching? Debbie: "The Bad and the Beautiful" Emmett: Oh my god. That's my all-time fav. Debbie: So, how was your last trick? Emmett: Big dick, tie break. Debbie: The best guide! [Michael comes home to find Ben revising his literary masterpiece.] Michael: I have some chicken. You're hungry? Ben: Maybe later. Michael: You're looking on your book? Ben: Rewriting the boring parts. Michael: I thoughed this was boring to [he helds another book in his hand]. And it's supposed to be a classic. Let's face it - if I knew the difference between a great book and a lously one I would have gone to Harvard or Yale instead of goin' to Community College for a couple of months. Ben: I heard from my publisher. Michael: You did? Ben: They had a few comments of their own. Michael: See? That's what you need, a professional opinion from people who know what they're talking about. Ben: They felt the main character's motivation was unclear, that the story was overly complex and convoluted, and that thematically, it lacked force and focus. So in other words, exactly what you said. So they passed. Michael: I'm sorry Ben. Ben: For what? Being honest? [Justin and Cody confront Hobbes as he comes home from work.] Chris: Christ! Taylor? What are you doing here? Stalking me? You f*cking creeps, get outta here or I'll call the police! Cody: Not until he gets what he came for. Chris: What's that? You wanna suck my cock? Justin: I want you to apologize. Chris: For what? Justin: For bashing me. For causing me brain damage and permanent injury. For giving me nightmares every night for two years. For filling me with fear every time I walk out the door. For treating me like a subhuman who doesn't deserve to live. Chris: That's what you are, Taylor. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to kick back and have a beer. Cody: Tell him you're sorry. Chris: Get outta my way! Faggots! [He shoves them aside and walks off towards the house. Cody gets the gun out and hands it to Justin. Justin takes it and they follow Hobbes. Justin points the gun.] Justin: Don't. f*ck. With. Me! Chris: Whoa, man, just take it easy. Justin: Get on your knees. Chris: What the f*ck are you doing? Cody: Do what he says! Justin: I said, get on your knees! Chris: OK, OK. [He gets on his knees. Justin stands in front of him with the gun pointed at his head.] Chris: There. You scared me, see? Now put the gun away. Justin: First say, I'm sorry. [Hobbes hesitates.] Justin: Say it. Chris: I'm sorry. Justin: For bashing you. Chris: For bashing you. Justin: For causing you brain damage and permanent injury. Chris: For causing you brain damage and permanent injury. Justin: Now suck on this! (The barrel of the gun) Cody: That's it! f*ck yeah! Justin: Go on. Suck it. [Hobbes is crying.] Justin: SUCK IT! [Hobbes complies.] Cody: This is beautiful, man. This is what you've been wanting to do all this time. Justin: Now you know what it feels like. The fear that all faggots feel all their lives. Walking down the street, holding hands - BECAUSE OF ASSHOLES LIKE YOU! And you know what? (He cocks the trigger) We're tired of it. Cody: Do it. Do it! [Justin almost does it. But he takes the gun out of Hobbes' mouth.] Cody: What the f*ck are you doing? You can't stop now! Justin: Get up. Get up. Go inside. Cody: You can't let him go! Justin: And I wouldn't call the police. You don't want to have to tell them a couple of faggots made you sh1t your pants. [Hobbes goes inside.] Cody: You coward. You f*cking coward, you let him get away! You had him! You could've had him, but you were too chickenshit! You're like all the other faggots! You're too afraid! You're all cowards and they know it! You could have ended it! Faggot! You're no different than the rest of them! You deserve what you get! And you wanna know why? Because you're all f*cking pussies, that's why! [Justin walks away with Cody still yelling at him. In fact, we can hear Cody yelling as the credits roll.]
Plan: A: Ted accepts Brian's; Q: What does Ted do about Brian's job offer? A: Ted; Q: Who helps Melanie see what's important? A: Kinnetik; Q: Where does Brian offer Ted a job? A: Cody; Q: Who takes Justin to the firing range? A: Melanie; Q: Who lends support to the custody case? A: comfort; Q: What do Emmett and Debbie find in each other's company? Summary: Ted accepts Brian's offer of a job at Kinnetik. Cody takes Justin to the firing range. Melanie lends her support to the custody case after Ted helps her see what's important. Each now living alone, Emmett and Debbie find comfort in each other's company.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Frasier is at the table, Eddie is laying on Martin's chair. Martin comes in from the bedrooms.] Martin: [to Eddie] Hey, you're lookin' a little under the weather. You all right? Frasier: He most certainly is not. He dined on that lovely can of bacon fat you've been hiding under the sink. Martin: Oh, geez. Poor little guy. [The doorbell rings, Frasier gets up to answer it.] Martin: You know, bacon grease is bad for dogs. Frasier: Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans. [He opens the door to reveal Niles and Daphne. They come in as everyone greets each other.] Niles: Sorry we're late. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, we're not having lunch until 1:15. Niles: Ah, great. [Niles yawns as Martin sits down at the table. Daphne and Niles sit on the couch.] Martin: Long night, Niles? Niles: Oh, a bit. We were out at a party last night. Daphne: At Bill Gates' house. [Frasier looks jealous.] Frasier: Really? Some sort of... charity event? Niles: No, no, just a few people over for dinner. His wife has been following Maris' case and she wanted to meet us. It seems the story's captured everyone's imagination and people want to get the inside scoop. Daphne: Their house is enormous. I got lost going to the loo, but a voice in the wall guided me back. Frasier: Sounds like fun. Anyway, I thought after lunch we might stop by the museum for the Goya exhibit. Niles: Actually, we're going tomorrow night with the Blenkinsops. Frasier: Tomorrow? But the museum's closed tomorrow. Niles: Uh, not for Bunny and Bruce. [Frasier looks put out.] Frasier: Well, with all the rarified elbows you've been rubbing lately, I'm surprised you could find the time for lunch with a commoner like me. Niles: Oh, now stop. But if we could get going, I have a perfume launch at four. [He and Daphne rise. As they all head for the door, the doorbell rings. Daphne checks the peephole.] Daphne: It's a pretty lady holding some mail. Oh, you didn't pull that trick again, did you? Frasier: I have no idea what you're talking about. Step aside! Don't want her to slip it under the door! [He pulls her to the side and opens the door to a young woman, Caroline.] Frasier: Hello. Caroline: Hi, sorry to disturb you, some of your mail got mixed in with mine. [She hands it over.] Frasier: Oh, dear, how did that happen? Caroline: I don't know. Some of it just seemed to be jammed in there. Frasier: Uh, huh. Really, well, we must make allowances for our mailman. He's a veteran. So, uh, my name's Dr. Frasier Crane. Caroline: Caroline Harwich. Frasier: Nice to meet you. And this is my family. My father, Martin Crane. Martin: Hi. Frasier: My sister-in-law, Daphne, and my brother, Niles. Caroline: You look awfully familiar, have we met? Frasier: Well, I am somewhat of a media figure. Caroline: No, your brother. Oh, you're Niles Crane from that big murder case. I saw you on the news. Daphne: He's been on three times this week. He's practically famous. Niles: Well, hardly famous. Frasier: My brother doesn't like to toot his own horn. You know, I was discussing that very personality type today on my very popular radio show. Caroline: Oh, right, right. Dr. Frasier Crane. Frasier: Yes. Caroline: Yes, my mother listens to you. Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you all. Frasier: Yes, likewise. [She turns and leaves. Frasier closes the door behind her.] Frasier: Isn't it nice to know there are still honest people in the world? Martin: How come your mail never gets mixed up with that sweaty fat guy's upstairs? Niles: We should really be going. Frasier: Yes, yes. I'm afraid we'll have to be lunching at Vindaloo. I couldn't get us in at Le Toque. Niles: Oh... Daphne: Oh, no. Niles: Maybe I should call. I've had the best luck with restaurants lately. [He pulls out his cell phone and dials.] Frasier: Well, they swore that they were absolutely booked solid. Niles: Oh, dear. [into phone] Hello? Yes, wondering if you could possibly squeeze in three for lunch today? Dr. Crane. No, actually it's Niles. Oh, how lovely. Thank you. We'll see you in a bit. [He disconnects and follows Daphne out. Frasier shoots a look of injustice at Martin, who just smiles. Frasier follows his brother. Fade out.] BLACK TIE FOR MEN NIGHTGOWNS FOR WOMEN Scene 2 - Café Nervosa [Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table with his coffee. Roz comes in.] Roz: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Oh, hi. Roz: I'm so sorry about the show. I was a little distracted. Frasier: Yes, I sensed that when you patched through Wanda, who wanted to know what our soup of the day was. Roz: My sister Denise is in town. I hate it when she visits. She isn't happy until she makes me feel completely miserable. Do you know what she called my place? "Cozy." Frasier: Well, that's a compliment. Roz: No, it's code for "smaller than hers". [to waiter] Cappuccino, please. [She sits] Roz: She wraps every insult up in a compliment, and when I try to call her on it she just says "Huh? I was trying to be nice, you're so sensitive." And of course, everything in her life is so perfect. Her home, her husband, the stretch of highway she keeps clean. She's so competitive. [The waiter brings her coffee.] Roz: Thank you. Frasier: Well, if it's any comfort, Niles has been perfectly insufferable of late. This whole Maris affair has gained him some minor notoriety, he's been... flaunting it like a tattered boa. I'm trying to do the right thing and rise above it, of course, but there are times I just want to step on his feet. And hard, too. [Roz's sister, Denise, walks in.] Roz: Denise! [Frasier rises to greet her.] Frasier: How do you do? Denise: Frasier, hi. [She kisses him on the cheek.] [N.B. Sometime between "Guilt Trippers," and this episode, Roz probably told Denise that Frasier wasn't her boyfriend Roger.] Denise: Well, you are looking very distinguished. Frasier: Thank you. [She turns to put her coat up as Frasier sits down.] Roz: That's code for "old". Frasier: I know. Denise: I am so sorry I'm late. Craig called. The poor thing, he misses me so much it's just impossible to get him off the phone. [She sits and grabs a shopping bag.] Denise: I hope this makes it up to you. Now, Roz, I know you love your sports wear, but trust me, men like women who wear dresses once in a while. Roz: So you've said. [She takes the bag.] Frasier: Denise, having fun on your trip? Denise: Oh, yes. Staying with Roz is so much fun, it's sort of like camping. [Her cell phone rings and she answers.] Denise: Hello? [to Frasier] It's my contractors. Take my advice: never build a pool house. [She hands a magazine to Roz.] Denise: Oh, hon? I picked us up a Seattle Magazine so we can find some fun things to do this week. [She gets up, Roz pulls the dress out of the bag.] Roz: Does that include rolling it up, turning it sideways and.... Frasier: Now, Roz. At least she's trying. She did get you a gift, after all. And look, it's very chic and expensive, I'm sure. Roz: Oh, and two sizes too small. Frasier: All right, she's a bitch. Roz: Thank you. [Kenny walks in.] Kenny: Hey, hey! It's Mr. SeaBeas! Frasier: The nominations are in? Kenny: Yep. Two of 'em! Frasier: Roz! Roz: Oh, yay! [Kenny sits.] Kenny: Actually, Roz, they're both for Frasier. You're up for best host and best informational special, which gives you the lifetime record for most nominations. Frasier: Oh, my God, I'm, I'm so flattered. I hope you two will join me at my table. Roz: Oh, those awards are torture, they're endless. Can I bring my sister? Frasier: Of course. [Niles walks in, talking on his cell phone.] Frasier: Oh look. It's Niles. Kenny: You gonna tell him you broke the SeaBeas record? Frasier: If it comes up. Kenny: You know, Doc, we should take advantage of this thing. I got a friend at the Seattle Times who owes me one. I could ask him to write a big profile on you. Frasier: Thank you, no, Kenny. Let others engage in that sort of shameless self-promotion. I'm not interested in playing that sort of game. Oh, Niles. Niles: Hi. Listen, Frasier, I'm so sorry, I have to cancel tonight. I'm going to hear Tony Bennett. Frasier: Oh, really. Where's he playing? Niles: At Frank Geary's birthday party. Frasier: Well, speaking of glamorous parties, Niles, wait until... Niles: Oh, is that Seattle Magazine? I was hoping you hadn't seen it. Frasier: Seen what? Niles: Oh, nothing, nothing. It's a silly thing. Page thirty. [Roz flips to the page as Frasier glowers.] Roz: Oh, it's one of those "What's Hot/What's Not" lists. I love these. "Heirloom Tomatoes - Hot, Sun Dried Tomatoes - Not". Frasier: Give me that. [He grabs the magazine.] Frasier: Uh huh. "Dr. Niles Crane - Hot, Dr. Frasier Crane..." well, you can see where they're going with this. Well, we'll just see who's not hot when the winter/spring issue of Seattle Broadcaster comes out. For your information, Niles, I have recently... [Niles cell phone rings.] Niles: Excuse me, I am so sorry. [He answers it as Kenny gets up.] Kenny: I'm gonna get some coffee. Niles: Hello? Hello, Daphne. A delivery from Bill and Mindy! Aren't they sweet? [Frasier quietly fumes.] Niles: No, don't uncrate it until I get home! [He hurries out. Frasier gets up and goes over to Kenny, who has his cell phone out.] Frasier: Kenny, about that article... Kenny: Way ahead of you, Doc. [into phone] No, he'll make for a great profile: SeaBeas record holder, doctor, big ladies man, the whole ball of wax. Well, you can ask him yourself. [He hands the phone to Frasier.] Frasier: Hello? Yes, well, when would be a good time for you? Oh, I've just had the greatest idea: Why don't you interview me while we're at the SeaBee Awards? Yes, it will be a freewheeling chat against a glittering backdrop. Splendid! I will see you anon. [He hands the phone back to Kenny and goes back to his table with a smile.] Kenny: [into phone] Hey. No, he always talks like that. [Frasier sits back down next to Roz.] Roz: Why are you taking him to the SeaBeas? Frasier: Because I want to see him at my best, Roz. Do you realize, I'm giving the opening remarks this year? And if I do say so myself, they will change you. Roz: Yeah, from an awake person to a sleeping one. [Caroline walks in and Frasier gets a cunning look.] Frasier: Perfect! All I was lacking was the appropriate piece of arm candy to accompany me and there she is. Roz: Who's she? Frasier: [rising] A neighbor of mine in the building, whose acquaintance I have recently made. Roz: Oh, right, Daphne told me you pulled that old mail trick out of mothballs. [Frasier glares, then walks over to Caroline.] Frasier: Caroline? Caroline: Frasier, hello. Frasier: Hello, good to see you. Caroline: Cappuccino, to go. Thank you so much for those flowers. Frasier: Oh, gosh, it was the least I could do after that stumblebum of a mailman made you do his job for him. Caroline: Oh, I'd send him a complaint letter if I think he'd get it. Frasier: Oh, delightful. Listen, I hope this isn't too bold, but you see, I've been nominated for a broadcast award, twice actually, and, well, there's a black tie gala on Saturday night and I was hoping you could accompany me. Caroline: Thank you, I'd love to. Frasier: Fantastic. I'll pick you up around seven-thirty. [Caroline turns back to the counter and Frasier goes back to the table.] Frasier: Well, I've worked my magic! That magnificent creature will be accompanying me on Saturday night! Roz: Frasier, the awards are Saturday morning. Frasier: Well... of course they're not. Roz: Yes, they are. Frasier: Roz, who would ever plan an awards ceremony on a Saturday morning? Roz: Kenny was in charge this year, he booked the room too late. [Caroline gets her coffee and passes by on her way out.] Caroline: See you this weekend. Frasier: Yeah, bye-bye. [She starts to leave.] Frasier: Oh, don't forget I'll pick you up seven-thirty, Saturday morning. Bye-bye. [He holds still, wondering if he got away with it. Caroline stops at the door and comes back.] MISSING Frasier: [rising] I did mention that, didn't I? Oh, gosh, it seems the SeaBeas is going to be a cheery breakfast event this year. But the good news is, actually I'll be able to get you home by noon. Bye-bye. [He tries to sit down but Caroline stops him.] Caroline: I don't think that's going to work for me. I have Pilates on Saturdays. Frasier: Oh, gosh, I wish you'd said something sooner. Caroline: Sorry. Bye-bye. Frasier: Yeah. [She heads out and he dejectedly sits.] Roz: Oh, you can't blame her, Frasier. Who wants to get in hair and makeup at eight in the morning? Frasier: Well, somebody better. I'm being profiled, it's going to look like I can't even scare up a date. Roz: You scared that one pretty good. [Frasier sits, glowering. Fade out.] Act 2 WANDERING EYE Scene 1 - The SeaBea Awards [Fade in. Frasier is seated at his table in the banquet room, talking on his cell phone.] Frasier: Cindy, where are you? Listen, this thing's about to start. Well, I'm sorry you broke your heel, but can't you just put on a different pair of shoes? Oh, your actual heel. Ouch. Well, uh, feel better. [He hangs up as Roz and Denise come in. Denise is wearing the dress she gave to Roz.] Denise: Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it. [Roz grabs a passing waiter.] Roz: Okay, two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a twenty in it for you if one of 'em's poisoned. I don't even care which one. [Frasier gets up to greet them.] Frasier: There's a face I'm happy to see. Roz: Frasier. Frasier: Not you, Roz. Listen, Denise, uh, could you do me a small favor? Denise: Mm-hmm? Frasier: You see, my date didn't show up and there's a reporter here today doing a story on me and could you pretend to be my date? Denise: Well, sure. [They al sit.] Denise: [to Roz] First the valet hits on me and now this. [Roz fumes as Kenny and Martin come over with plates.] Kenny: Hi guys. Frasier: Oh, hi. Martin: Some spread. I got pigs-in-a-blanket lying on an omelet pillow. And check it out: it snowed cheese. Kenny: Roz, Larry Gamba couldn't make it, so if he wins can you accept for him? Roz: Sure, Kenny. Nothing takes the sting out of not being nominated like accepting an award for my former intern. Denise: Now, Roz, don't frown. Those lines don't go away. Kenny: Oh, hey there, Randy, over here. This is the reporter. [He and Frasier get up.] Kenny: Here he is, the Doc himself. Frasier: Lovely to see you, thanks for coming. Kenny: And this is Roz Doyle, his ace producer. Frasier: Yes, yes and this is my dad, Martin Crane. Dad, could you move over one for Randall? Martin: Oh, sure. [He and Kenny shift over to make room for Randy.] Frasier: And I'd like you to meet my date, the lovely and talented Denise Dawson. Denise: Oh, honey, stop it. It's a pleasure to meet you. [They shake and Frasier and Randy sit down.] Frasier: So, I'm so glad you can join us on our gala morning. Randy: Is this thing always so early? Frasier: No, but then the SeaBeas have always been the wayward maverick of awards shows. In fact I kind of touch on that in my opening remarks, while hewing to my original theme: Communication as the Engine of Social Progress. Randy: Sounds great. [grabbing a waiter] Could I get a big cup of coffee, please? [He jots down some notes while Frasier notices his brother at the door.] Frasier: What's Niles doing here? Martin: Oh, I gave him Ronee's ticket. She said she hated to miss 'em but she didn't want to come. [Niles comes over.] Niles: I'm sorry I'm late, I had to distribute some sound bites. [He sits down, Randall leans across he table to shake his hand.] Randy: That's quite all right, Dr. Crane, I'm very excited to meet you. Randall Schoonover, the Seattle Times. Niles: Hello. Frasier: He's doing a profile of me. A Day in the Life of Frasier Crane. Randy: But if there's anything you'd like to tell my readers... Niles: Oh, thank you, I'm just here to support my brother. [Randy jots this down.] Randy: Supports his brother. [Frasier glares at Niles, then hears some light music.] Frasier: Oh, I guess it's time for me to give my opening remarks. [He gets up.] Frasier: You just sit tight and I'll be back in twenty minutes. [He walks over to the podium but is stopped by the band leader.] Bandleader: You want to give me a cue so I know when to play you off stage? Frasier: Ah, you will feel the pace quicken as I build to my climax, which is a grim verbal picture of the world without broadcasting. Bandleader: Just tell me the last words. Frasier: I'll say "Thank you." [N.B. The bandleader is the same one from Season 3's Moon Dance.] [He takes to the stage as the crowd politely claps.] Frasier: Good morning. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane and it is my great honor to stand before you, my fellow luminaries and welcome you to the Seattle Broadcasting Awards. I hope to do justice to the dignity of this most august occasion. [A chef steps up and whispers in his ear.] Frasier: I've been asked to inform everyone that we are running low on sausage. So if you would please limit yourselves to one link or patty. Thank you. [The band strikes up.] Frasier: I'm not finished. [A young woman, Plum, comes up to lead him off.] Plum: Thanks, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, thank you. [He steps down.] Plum: Now, who wants to hand out some hardware? [SCENE_BREAK] [Dissolve to - later. A slide show of people with "IN MEMORIAM" and the dates of their births/deaths below the pictures is shown on a screen.] Plum: Angela DiStefano, Keith Meebly and Chet Harding, the legendary host of "It's Your Dime". Kenny: So many greats this year. [Frasier brings some orange juice to Denise.] Frasier: This is for you, my dear. [Denise's cell phone rings and she answers it as Frasier sits.] Denise: Hello? Oh, hi Craig. [to Frasier] Honey? I've got to take this. Frasier: Okay. Hurry back, love. [She gets up and steps away.] Frasier: So, Randy, where were we? Randy: Your brother was just telling me how Maris is coping with jail. So, is it true that Maris tried to break out? Niles: Oh, no, no, no. Her eyebrow pencil simply rolled out of her cell and she went to get it. It's really the jail's fault for making those bars so far apart. [Frasier gives Niles a look.] Niles: This is really my brother's day. Plum: And now the nominees for best informational special. Kenny: Doc, this is you! Plum: Riley Austin for "Underground Skateboarder," Harper Norton for "Inside the Statehouse," and Dr. Frasier Crane for "The Young Person's Guide to Depression." And the winner is: Riley Austin! [Everyone applauds and a very young man goes up to the stage. Frasier has a very poor fake smile on his face as he claps. Randy gets up.] Randy: I'm just gonna track down some Sweet 'n' Low. [He walks away.] Frasier: Well, Niles, you should have powdered your nose if you planned to spend so much time in my spotlight. Niles: I was just making conversation! Frasier: Well, stop it! Martin: Knock it off, you two! If you can't share this reporter, I'm gonna ask him to leave. Kenny: Roz, get ready, this is Larry's category. [Denise comes back, in tears.] Denise: I can't believe that this happened. Frasier: Well, it's all right. I'm still up for best host. Denise: Craig is leaving me. Roz: What? Denise: He met someone else. I can't believe this is happening to me. Plum: And the winner is: Larry Gamba for KACL Kenny: Roz, get up there. Denise: This is so terrible. Roz: [rising] I know, I know. Denise: How would you know what it's like to lose a husband, Roz? You never even had one! [Roz heads to the stage and takes the award.] Plum: Accepting the award is Roz Doyle. Roz: Um, thanks, Plum. Larry couldn't be here today, but if he were here, he would say, um... [She glances at her sobbing sister.] Roz: "YES! Thank you, God! Yes! This is the best day of my entire life!" [hugging Plum] "I've just been waiting for this since I was a little girl. Yes! You have no idea how much this means to me! YES!" [The band plays her off as she jumps for joy, shaking everyone's hands.] Denise: I hate men! Frasier: Now, now, Denise.... [Randall comes back and sits down.] Denise: Shut up! You're all the same. Frasier: No, listen, Denise... [He tries to take her hand.] Denise: Get your hands off me! Stop it! [She breaks into huge sobs. Frasier notices Randall taking more notes.] Frasier: There's no need for you to write that down. Plum: And now the nominees for best radio call-in host... Kenny: Better get ready, Doc, this one has your name on it. Frasier: Well it better, because this whole show has been a nightmare. Except it can't be a nightmare because it's MID-MORNING! Plum: And the SeaBea goes to: the late Chet Harding for "It's Your Dime". Martin: Sorry, Son, you can't beat a dead guy. Denise: Dead! That's the best kind of guy! Randy: Well, I think maybe I have enough. [He gets up, Frasier hurries to head him off.] Frasier: No, please, don't go. Listen, the show will be over very soon. They actually have a bat mitzvah booked for noon so maybe we could finish up in the lobby. Randy: Okay, I'll get my coat. I hope you can join us, Niles. [He walks off. Frasier smiles after him, then grabs a chair and sits next to Niles, furious.] Frasier: Don't you dare! You have been monopolizing that man's time all morning. Niles: You should thanking me for distracting him from this circus! Frasier: You should talk! You've been the ringmaster of your own media circus for the last week! Niles: And it's killing you, isn't it?! Frasier: If you think I am jealous of your tawdry notoriety, then you don't know who I am. Niles: Just like most of the people in this city! Frasier: You go too far! [He jumps to his feet, knocking his chair backwards, which sends a man stumbling into a waiter, causing a chain reaction into another waiter who flies across a table and knocks over a diner as people scream and gasp. As Frasier stands there, stunned, Kenny pushes through the crowd to him.] Kenny: Doc, that's Jerry Edwards. He's supposed to close the show. Frasier: Is he all right? [The man rises, clutching his face.] Kenny: Oh, no. You knocked his glass eye out. Well, you're gonna have to close the show for him. Frasier: What? Kenny: Well, you took him out! And you'll be the only guy in history to open and close the SeaBeas. Frasier: Really? Nobody's ever done it before? But...I don't have anything prepared. Kenny: Don't worry, it's all on the teleprompter. [He rushes Frasier to the stage.] Kenny: Now, get up there and sing. It's to the tune of "Moon River". [As he takes the stage and the band begins playing, Martin turns from the buffet. There is the clinking sound of glass and he looks down.] Martin: Oh, think I just kicked somethin'. Frasier: The SeaBeas, now are at an end We hope you've made a friend Or two... [Denise slaps at Roz, who is trying to comfort her.] Frasier: And the SeaBeas Have great freebies, Just pick up your bag At the door to your right. [Most of the guests are searching for the glass eye and ignoring him.] Kenny: Found it! [He triumphantly hold up his hand.] Niles: That's an olive. Frasier: The SeaBeas, we hope your day was great, And, yes, we validate, Right there. [A valet takes Randy's parking slip. He tries to catch it back, then just follows him out.] Frasier: See Rico, Eduardo or Jen, They'll bring it round the bend, A Hyundai or a Benz The SeaBeas are through. [Frasier gazes out on the chaos, then just purses his lips and walks off stage. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] As the hotels staff cleans up the ball room, Riley Austin stops by Frasier's table shake his hand. He does a "street" version, changing the grip several times and finally banging his fist against Frasier's. Frasier tries to make small talk, but is left speechless when Plum and the other female presenter take Riley's arms and lead him off. Frasier tries to take it in, but finally just lowers his head into his hand.
Plan: A: a certain celebrity status; Q: What has Niles acquired since Maris' murder case appeared in the news? A: Bill Gates; Q: Who does Niles socialize with? A: Frasier; Q: Who is annoyed by Niles' celebrity status? A: Roz; Q: Who is receiving a visit from her "perfect" married sister, Denise? A: a similar position; Q: What does Frasier find Roz in? A: the Seattle broadcasting awards; Q: What awards does Frasier hope to win? A: Kenny; Q: Who arranges for a reporter to shadow Frasier on the day of the ceremony? A: the morning; Q: When does the ceremony take place? A: a date; Q: What is missing from the ceremony that Frasier is nominated for? A: presentation; Q: What is Denise's role at the SeaBees ceremony? A: the reporter; Q: Who is keen to ask Niles questions? A: Frasier's problems; Q: What is the reporter's interest in Niles the least of? Summary: Since Maris' murder case appeared in the news, Niles has acquired a certain celebrity status in Seattle, socializing with figures like Bill Gates . Frasier cannot help being annoyed by this, and he finds Roz in a similar position; she is receiving a visit from her "perfect" married sister, Denise. Frasier hopes to regain some notoriety when he is nominated twice for the Seattle broadcasting awards (the "SeaBees"), and Kenny arranges for a news reporter to shadow him on the day of the ceremony. Unusually, it takes place in the morning, and in the absence of a date, Frasier asks Denise to take the part just for presentation. Niles is also in attendance, and the reporter is keen to ask him questions - although this turns out to be the least of Frasier's problems.
THE INVISIBLE ENEMY BY BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Three Running time: 23:28 [SCENE_BREAK] Inside, the clones struggle through the maelstrom. At least they hold on to each other. Shortly they find themselves in a surprisingly dry area. DOCTOR 2: Well, what do you think? LEELA 2: I don't know what to think. I've never been inside anybody's head before. DOCTOR 2: No. LEELA 2: It's very interesting. DOCTOR 2: Thank you. LEELA 2: Hey, why aren't we wet? DOCTOR 2: Because we're too small to break the surface tension. LEELA 2: What was that? DOCTOR 2: Oh, just a passing thought. Electrochemical reaction in the synapses. Leg wants to move. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the lab, the Doctor's leg kicks wildly into the air, breaking the straps. Marius and the others hold him down. MARIUS: I don't think he can hold out much longer. The virus is strengthening its grip. LOWE (on screen): Marius! You have not replied to my ultimatum. I shall destroy this centre. MARIUS: No, wait! I agree to your terms. I have no further use for the Doctor. He's yours whenever you want him. LOWE (on screen): A wise decision. Tell me, Professor, is the woman Leela with you? MARIUS: No. As you can see, there's simply myself and my two assistants. She is somewhere in the Foundation, but I have no idea where. LOWE (on screen): No matter. She will be destroyed. Stay where you are. We are on our way. The screen goes blank. Marius goes over to the door and opens it. MARIUS: Leela! He gestures for her to come over. They're coming now. We must hold them up for ten minutes. Can you do that? LEELA: Can I borrow K9? MARIUS: Yes, certainly, certainly. K9, cooperate with Leela. K9: Master. LEELA: What we need is that corridor. K9: Corridor X3. LEELA: Yes. If we can just make some sort of barrier. K9: Recheck. First we must eliminate the service shaft. LEELA: Of course! They can attack us from behind. MARIUS: You haven't got much time. LEELA: Right. K9, you destroy the shaft and meet me in the corridor. K9: Affirmative. K9 rolls noisily out into the corridor. PARSONS: Suppose they fail? Marius hesitates, then goes over to the blasters by the cloning chamber. He picks up both of them and hands one to Parsons. MARIUS: Have you ever used one of these? PARSONS: Thank you, sir. MARIUS: Parsons, if by any chance I am taken over by the virus, I hope you won't hesitate to use that on me, because I certainly will on you. We must give the Doctor his ten minutes. PARSONS: I understand, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] Back inside the Doctor's head. LEELA 2: Doctor? DOCTOR 2: Yes? LEELA 2: I do not think you have any idea where we are going. DOCTOR 2: What do you mean, I've got no idea where we're going? We're travelling along my neural pathways looking for a sort of bridge, a crossover point between the left lobe and the right lobe. LEELA 2: Is that where the virus will be? DOCTOR 2: Since it seems to control both the conscious and unconscious it's a good enough place to start. LEELA 2: Suppose we meet it? DOCTOR 2: What? No, no, no. It came in through the optic nerve. We are somewhere between the spinal cord and the cerebellum. But keep your eyes open for tissue deterioration. LEELA 2: Like this? She kicks the tissue. DOCTOR 2: That's me you're kicking. LEELA 2: Oh. Sorry. They continue on. As they pass through a "valley" a large fuzzy ball, about the size of a beach ball, floats downward behind them unseen. [SCENE_BREAK] In the corridor Leela crouches down while K9 approaches. K9: Mission accomplished. Service shaft destroyed, mistress. LEELA: Thank you, K9. Now, what we need here is some sort of barrier. She indicates the corner of a wall that has been damaged by the shuttle crash and sports a large crack. K9 blasts the crack which widens and breaks apart, a huge chunk of heavy polystyrene slamming to the floor. K9: Acceptable? LEELA: Perfect. Thank you, K9. K9: There is no need for gratitude. I am an automaton. LEELA: Really? K9: I am without emotional circuits. Only memory and awareness. Attention. Four hostiles approaching. Lowe and his party come around the corner. LOWE: It's the reject. They take cover. LOWE: Leela. Leela. Bring me the Doctor. LEELA: Come and get him. They exchange blaster fire as she takes cover farther down the corridor. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the lab. MARIUS: Eight minutes to go. Anything? PARSONS: It's all there, sir. They all gaze up at the monitor screens showing something organic which apparently has some meaning to them. PARSONS: Leela's tissue profile, adaption, disease resistance. NURSE: Bit of a mongrel, isn't she? MARIUS: I imagine that's why her race survived. There's no sign of any physical immunity. NURSE: There's a wide variation in blood characteristics, sir. It'll take hours to check them all. MARIUS: On the other hand, it could be a psychological factor. PARSONS: You mean not physical at all? MARIUS: Yes, something in her mind, her way of looking at things. PARSONS: Aggression. NURSE: Determination. Stamina. MARIUS: The predator's instinct. [SCENE_BREAK] Back inside the Doctor. DOCTOR 2: Doesn't look like the most advanced computer system ever, does it. LEELA 2: Urgh. What's that? DOCTOR 2: That is why my brain is so much superior to yours. LEELA 2: Doctor. DOCTOR 2: What is it? LEELA 2: I can sense danger. DOCTOR 2: Rubbish. If there was any danger about, I'd be the first to scent it. I know this brain like the back of my hand. Danger. What do you know about brains, anyway? LEELA 2: All right, all right, don't get excited. DOCTOR 2: I'll get excited if I want to. It's my brain. Danger. I'll tell you something about brains. Do you want to know something? LEELA 2: Not much. DOCTOR 2: I'll tell you anyway. Somebody once tried to build a machine as efficient as the brain. Only trouble was, it would have had to have been bigger than London. Do you remember London? And powered by the entire European grid. And that was just a human brain. Mine's much more complex. Left and right sides working in unison via the specialised neural ganglia, thus combining data storage and retrieval with logical interest and the intuitive leap. And here. Are you listening to me? LEELA 2: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR 2: That is a reflex link, whereby I can tune myself into the Time Lord intelligentsia. A thousand super-brains in one. LEELA 2: Why don't you do it now? DOCTOR 2: What? Oh, well, I lost that particular faculty when they kicked me out. Oh look. LEELA 2: Kicked you out? DOCTOR 2: Oh look. Connection seven. Hello. LEELA 2: Hello. DOCTOR 2: Don't be funny. LEELA 2: Doctor, you're wasting time. Keep moving. DOCTOR 2: No, no, no. Come on over here. This is recent damage. LEELA 2: The virus? DOCTOR 2: What else. We must be getting close to it now. LEELA 2: What's that? DOCTOR 2: What? In the background, a g roup of fuzzy beach balls begin to harass Leela. She struggles against them, screaming. LEELA 2: Doctor! Doctor, help me! DOCTOR 2: I can't! It's my body defence mechanism. They're my own phagocytes. Use your knife! She continues to struggle. LEELA 2: Oh, Doctor! He runs over to some dangling ganglia and touches two of them together. Nothing happens, so he touches two others together. There is a zap. The phagocytes leave Leela. DOCTOR 2: Oh. LEELA 2: What did you do? DOCTOR 2: I think I told them my liver was disintegrating. I think. LEELA 2: That's very clever. DOCTOR 2: That's very clever. He touches two more together. In the lab, his body jerks. [SCENE_BREAK] PARSONS: What was that? MARIUS: Well, it proves they're in there at some sensitive area. Blaster fire is heard in the corridor. PARSONS: They're coming closer, sir. MARIUS: Seven and a half minutes. Not much chance. [SCENE_BREAK] Out in the corridor, the blaster fire stops. Cruikshank steps forward and Lowe urges him on. Cruikshank leaps over the barrier landing directly in front of K9. K9 blasts him at point-blank range before he can fire. But Cruikshank zaps K9 with his lightning virus glance before collapsing dead to the floor. K9: Contact has been made. Master. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the Doctor. DOCTOR 2: After you. LEELA 2: Are you afraid? DOCTOR 2: Not necessarily, no. From now on, we're on the trail of the virus, and that's the path it took. LEELA 2: Where to? DOCTOR 2: Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have brought you along. From now on, this is where your tracking skills come in. She draws her knife a nd goes through the opening first. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the corridor, Lowe gives a command to K9. LOWE: Kill her. Kill the reject. K9: Affirmative. Kill the reject. K9 rolls around toward Leela who does not suspect. He noses up to her and blasts her, but although she falls apparently unconscious, it looks as if he missed. K9: Reject liquidated. K9 into self-regeneration. Non-functional. LOWE: Good. Now for the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the Doctor, Leela reacts. LEELA 2: Ow! DOCTOR 2: What is it? LEELA 2: Something banged my head. A real bump, but DOCTOR 2: What? LEELA 2: There's nothing there. DOCTOR 2: That was your outside head. LEELA 2: Oh, that's all right, then. DOCTOR 2: No, it isn't all right. You and I have only got a limited life in here. Your outside self and your inside self are made of the same tissue. Your outside self is hurt, then you feel a shock. Your outside self is killed, yes. LEELA 2: We'd better make the most of the next six minutes then. DOCTOR 2: Yes. LEELA 2: Where are we? DOCTOR 2: This is the gap between one side of our mind and the other. LEELA 2: But it's dark on the other side. DOCTOR 2: Well of course it's dark. It's the gap between logic and imagination. You can't see one side from the other side. LEELA 2: But it is there? DOCTOR 2: What? LEELA 2: There is something on the other side? DOCTOR 2: This is the mind-brain interface, Leela. At least I think it is. That's the mind and that's the brain. Two things entirely different but part of the same thing. LEELA 2: Oh, like the land and the sea? DOCTOR 2: That's right, that's right. LEELA 2: It's very deep. DOCTOR 2: Yes. Sometimes I don't quite understand it myself. [SCENE_BREAK] Back to the lab. MARIUS: Five minutes to go. He motions the nurse toward him and puts her in the cloning chamber for her own safety. The door opens and Lowe's group fire at Parsons. LOWE: Don't move, Professor. They enter. LOWE: Release the Doctor. MARIUS: No, I can't. Lowe zaps him with eye lightning. MARIUS: Contact has been made. LOWE: Release him. We must make contact with the Nucleus. MARIUS: No, no, wait. The Nucleus is in danger. LOWE: What? MARIUS: Micro-cloned copies have been injected into his brain and are even now trying to hunt down and destroy the Nucleus. MARIUS: If they succeed... Unnoticed behind them, the nurse escapes from the chamber and gets out of the lab. LOWE: They must not succeed. MARIUS: We can't stop them. There is no time. LOWE: I say we must! [SCENE_BREAK] Out in the corridor K9 extends his probe, waaauugh. K9: Mistress? LEELA: Why did you attack me? K9: I had to. I was temporarily overpowered and my motivational circuits were in confusion. I have now regenerated and await your further orders. LEELA: Where are the others? Have they got the Doctor? K9: Affirmative. The nurse peeks in the lab, then rushes over to Leela. NURSE: They've got Professor Marius. He's been taken over by the virus. And they've killed Doctor Parsons. LEELA: What are they doing now? NURSE: Well, they're cloning Lowe and they're going to inject him into the Doctor's brain. LEELA: Then we'd better stop them. K9: Negative. We must wait. Maintain surveillance. LEELA: Why? K9: We cannot interfere while there is still a possibility that the Doctor will succeed in destroying the Nucleus. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the brain, the Doctor and Leela have crossed the mind-brain interface. There is a great sound of rushing wind as they come round the pathway. They stand and face the breeze with smiles. DOCTOR 2: Bracing, isn't it? LEELA 2: Very. DOCTOR 2: The interface. The mind unsullied by a single thought. LEELA 2: Where are we going, Doctor? DOCTOR 2: Into the land of dreams and fantasy, Leela. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the lab, Marius holds a syringe. NUCLEUS (OOV.): Hurry. Hurry. He plunges it into the Doctor's neck. We see Lowe moving down one of the neural pathways. He moves through some of the same areas passed earlier by Leela and the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] NUCLEUS (OOV.): Hurry! Hurry! He carefully steps around the superganglia. b]NUCLEUS (OOV.): They are closing in. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Elsewhere in the brain. LEELA 2: Is this your land of dreams and fantasies? DOCTOR 2: Well, on the way to it. They turn and see roman columns flying through space. The sight amuses them. LEELA 2: The evil thing. Very close. And another. Doctor, we're going to be trapped. Lowe closes in on them from behind, stepping carefully. The Doctor moves forward. He enters a chamber and looks around. He does a double take when he finds the nucleus. DOCTOR 2: Who are you? NUCLEUS: I am the Nucleus. DOCTOR 2: You're trespassing, you know. Treading on my unconscious, affecting my metabolism. Nucleus of what? NUCLEUS: The Nucleus of the Swarm. DOCTOR 2: Oh. Oh, I see. Why did you choose my brain? NUCLEUS: Because of your intelligence. DOCTOR 2: Oh, well, I can understand that, but do you realise you have no right NUCLEUS: I have every right! It is the right of every creature across the universe to survive, multiply and perpetuate its species. How else does the predator exist? We are all predators, Doctor. We kill, we devour, to live. Survival is all, you agree? DOCTOR 2: Oh yes, I do, I do. And on your argument, I have a perfect right to dispose of you. NUCLEUS: Of course. The law is survival of the fittest. DOCTOR 2: Touché. NUCLEUS: Your time is running short. How do you intend to dispose of me? You have no weapons, and in minutes you will cease to exist. I am the virus of the Nucleus of the Swarm. For millennia we have hung dormant in space waiting for the right carriers to come along. DOCTOR 2: Carriers? What do you mean, carriers? I'm not a porter. NUCLEUS: Consider the human species. They send hordes of settlers across space to breed, multiply, conquer and dominate. We have as much right to conquer you as you have to strike out across the stars. DOCTOR 2: But you intend to dominate both worlds, the micro and the macrocosm. NUCLEUS: We have waited, waited in the cold wastes of space. Waited for mankind to come. And now we have not only space but time itself within our grasp. DOCTOR 2: Time? NUCLEUS: Through you, Time Lord. The Doctor looks chuffed. Lowe continues advancing slowly. He continues through another area. He walks forward, blaster raised. Leela appears behind him and grabs him. They struggle and both fall to the ground. Lowe fires at Leela. She stabs him with her knife. The phagocytes attack Lowe's body as Leela gets away. Back in the chamber. NUCLEUS: So, Doctor, how can you puny creatures compare yourselves to us, the Swarm, the new masters of time, space and the cosmos. DOCTOR 2: New masters? Not if I can help it. NUCLEUS: But you cannot. Your time is up. You have fallen for my stratagem. Already you cease to exist. Leela enters and the Doctor grabs the blaster from her. DOCTOR 2: Get out of my brain. Get out of my brain! He fires the blaster at the nucleus, at the same time disappearing. There is nothing left inside the chamber - Doctor, Leela and nucleus are all gone. [SCENE_BREAK] In the lab, Marius is collecting fluid from the tear duct onto a slide. LOWE: Destroy them! Destroy them now! MARIUS: No, no, we must find out what happened. We must restore them to their full size and interrogate them. He goes into the room, places the slide on the floor. He leaves and closes the door. The Doctor's face is fully covered in scales. Marius operates the controls and instead of the Doctor and Leela, the nucleus grows larger and larger inside the room. The nucleus is no longer covered in a black sheet. It looks funky, like a giant prawn. The scales fade completely from the Doctor's face. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR 2: Get out of my brain! DOCTOR (OOV.): The tear duct. The tear duct. The tear duct. The tear duct. The tear duct. Tear duct.
Plan: A: a defense; Q: What does the medical center mount against alien forces trying to take the comatose Doctor? A: clones; Q: What is Leela and the Doctor made of? A: Leela; Q: What character is cloned to hunt down the infection in the Doctor's head? A: the intelligent infection; Q: What is in the Doctor's head? Summary: The medical center mounts a defense against alien forces trying to take the comatose Doctor while clones of Leela and the Doctor go microscopic so they can hunt down the intelligent infection that's in his head.
[Scene: A museum. A tour guide is there talking to a bunch of people.] Tour Guide: Legends hold it buried somewhere near a rocky desert, is a fable book, penned by ancient mystics, known as the Akashic Records. Believed to be a written account of all significant events throughout time. Powerful stuff. If someone were to get their hands on that, they could win the lottery or at least get tender. To know the future brings, obviously, ultimate power. Which is why everyone from Hera to Hitler has been looking for the records. But to find them, to find them, one needs a map. This tablet found in the Ivory Colls last year, is believed to be the very map. Although the engravings are of a lost language so far and undecipherable, even for scholars like myself but we're close. Whoever can decipher them first will know the exact latitude and longitude of the Akashic Records. (You see a guy standing in front of it, writing something down on a notepad.) Guy: Oh my God, that's it. Tour Guide: Uh, excuse me? Guy: Uh, no, no. Excuse me. (He leaves.) Tour Guide: If you follow me this way, I'll show you the next exhibit which is quite interesting. [Scene: Bay Ridge Convalescent Hospital. The guy that was at the museum is there talking to his father.] Guy: I cracked it, dad. The rest of the map. It was a transposition sequence just like you said and it's all in here. (He points to his head.) The location of the Akashic Records. Now, they're gonna come after me, just like they came after you, and I'm gonna be ready for them, dad. (Phoebe enters holding a vase of flowers.) Phoebe: Hey. Guy: Hey. (She puts the flowers on a table.) Phoebe: How's he doing today? Guy: The same. Thanks for always keeping his room so cheerful, Phoebe. I really appreciate it. Phoebe: Oh, don't mention it. I mean, for all we know he knows they're here too, right? Isn't that why you keep talking to him? (A doctor enters.) Doctor: Eric, can I speak to you alone please? Phoebe: Oh, uh, yeah. (She goes outside.) Eric: I'm not moving him, Dr. Stone. Dr. Stone: Eric, it's been six weeks. This faculty is not designed for long term maintenance. Eric: Maintenance? This is my father we're talking about and he's gonna get better and he's gonna stay here. [Cut to the hallway. Eric bumps into Phoebe.] Eric: Sorry. (Phoebe has a premonition.) Phoebe: Eric, wait. [Scene: Manor. Piper's bedroom. She's putting clothes in a bag. Prue runs in.] Prue: Ooh, ooh, ooh! I think Jack's a warlock. Piper: Who? Prue: Jack, uh, Jack Sheridan. The internet auction guy I met remember. I went to go get coffee, he was standing in front of me and then I went straight to the news stand and 'wham!' he was right there reading a magazine. Piper: So he went from one place to another in a blink of an eye. So, you think he blinked? Prue: Well, yeah, that's what warlocks do, right? Where's Phoebe? Piper: She's volunteering at the convalescent hospital. Prue: Great. Wait, you have to know if there's a warlock test. Piper: How would I know? Prue: I mean, well, you are a warlock magnet. Piper: Am I never gonna live Jeremy down? You know, you had that Rex and Hannah thing at work. Prue: Okay, fine. You get them in your love life, I've got them at the water cooler. What's up with the suitcase? Piper: A little overnighter. Dan's friend is getting married in Tahowan. Dan invited me to come along. Prue: In the same hotel, in the same bed type of thing? Piper: That is yet to be decided. Prue: Oh, so then this is just ... Tennis? (She gets lingerie out of Piper's bag.) Piper: Give it. (Prue gives it back.) Thank you. Prue: I mean, you did test him though, right? You know, he's not a warlock? Piper: He's not a warlock. No cats have hissed at him, he has not blinked, he has not tried to kill me or my sisters and steal our powers as which you know is a key indicator. Prue: I need the Book Of Shadows. (She grabs Piper's lingerie and runs out of her room giggling.) Piper: Aahh. (The doorbell rings.) Oh, I'll get it. [Cut to downstairs. Piper opens the door.] Piper: Hello, you. Dan: Hi, um, I was wondering if maybe we could get an early start. You know, miss traffic, get there quicker so we have enough time to ... Piper: Relax? Dan: Relax is a good word. (They laugh.) Any chance you could be ready in an hour? Piper: Yes, every chance. (Kit growls and hisses at Dan.) Dan: I wonder what her problem is? Piper: I gotta go now. Bye. (She closes the door and walks over to the bottom of the stairs.) Prue, did you find that warlock test yet? Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue and Phoebe are sitting on the couch looking through the Book of Shadows.] Prue: Nineteen warlock specific death spells and not one test. Piper: What if it's a conspiracy? Jack and Dan working together, sweet talking and the whole time they're figuring out how to kill us. Prue: Okay, now you're being paranoid. Piper: Well, how can we not, with warlocks and demons coming out of the woodwork all the time, it's a wonder we trust anybody. Prue: We don't. (They find a spell.) Here it is. Piper: To hear secret thoughts? Prue: Yeah, we can hear Jack and Dan's thoughts just long enough to confirm and deny our suspicions. Piper: No personal gain. Prue: Purely for protection. (Prue lights two candles.) Okay. Prue/Piper: "As flame lights shadow as truth ends fear, open locked thoughts to my minds willing ear, may the smoke from this candle into everywhere creep, bring inner most voices to my mind in speech." Piper: (thinking) Hey, she's wearing my lipstick. Prue: What, I can't borrow your lipstick? Piper: I didn't say that, Prue, I thought it. Prue: (thinking) Whatever, just learn to share. Piper: I heard that. This could be dangerous. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: (thinking) Stay calm, calm down. Book of Shadows, needles and warlocks, and Eric's in trouble, find out who, find out what. Piper: The hospital hottie? Phoebe: What? Prue: Uh, how's Eric? Did you see him today? Phoebe: Why's the Book of Shadows down here, girls? Prue: Jack blinked. Piper: And Kit hissed at Dan. Prue: Right, and we think that they may be warlocks, so we were looking for a test so we could test them. Phoebe: Hello, paranoid. Piper: We are not. Prue: Able to find a spell in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe: Well, just prick him. Warlocks don't bleed, so if there's no blood you've got your answer. Piper: (thinking) Who knew? Prue: (thinking) Phoebe did. The spell, don't tell her. Piper: Shouldn't we reverse it? Prue: Not until we really Phoebe: Are you two okay? Piper: So how's Eric? Has he asked you out yet? Phoebe: No, but he's in trouble. I had a premonition today. A demon or warlock maybe, with a needle thingy on his finger and he was sticking it into Eric's head. So, I came home to see what we were up against. You guys go deal with Jack and Dan, and I'll go look on the Internet. I'll tell you if I find anything. Prue: (thinking) Great, we're surrounded by warlocks. Piper: (thinking) Yeah, next time get your own damn lip stick. Prue: I heard that. Piper: I love you. Prue: (thinking) Bite me. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Jack enters wearing a bright shirt.] Jack: Prue! Prue: Jack, you actually wear that to work? Jack: (thinking) Ohh, feisty, feisty. (Out loud.) Well, when work puts me in front of an online server, handling 5 million online awesome hits a day, yeah I do. What's the emergency? Prue: Fersuang. Jack: (thinking) My what? Prue: Fersuang Publications, the German conglomerate. You handled their C.E.O. Bronze ----- Collection for the internet auction, right? Jack: (thinking) Be careful, she suspects. (out loud) Yeah, of course. Prue: Well, I need some bronzes checked out. Who did your validation? Jack: Validation? Prue: You do have people's collections validated don't you? Jack: (thinking) Mostly I put people in graves or incinerate them. (out loud) Oh, yeah. It was Walt Potarg at Berkley School and design. He was the best. (thinking) If she finds out that I'm lying, she's gonna die. (out loud) Well, you know what? I'm a little late, gotta go. Good to see you again. (He leaves.) Prue: Your dying first. [Scene: Manor. The doorbell rings. Piper answers it.] Dan: You ready? Piper: Um, can you come in? (He comes in and Piper closes the door.) Dan: Where's your suitcase? Piper: Upstairs. Dan: I see. (thinking) Uh-oh, cold feet, she's backing out. It's okay, don't push it, don't push it. Piper: Look, don't move. (She freezes him.) Okay, um, this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it gonna hurt you. (She pricks his arm with a needle. Phoebe runs down the stairs) Phoebe: Piper, we have to get to Eric. What's the matter? Piper: He didn't bleed, he's not bleeding, there's no blood, there's nothing. Phoebe: Yeah, of course he's not bleeding, he's frozen. Piper: Yeah, right. Okay go back upstairs. (Phoebe runs back up the stairs.) Piper: Okay. (Dan unfreezes and he bleeds.) Dan: Ow! What the hell was that? Piper: You're bleeding. (She touches his hand.) Dan: Just a little bit. (thinking) Love her touch. If she doesn't wanna go, it's okay, don't force it. Piper: Dan, I really want to go. Dan: But (Phoebe comes down the stairs.) Piper: He's bleeding. Phoebe: He's lucky. Hi, listen Dan, I have to borrow Piper for just a little while but I'll have her back soon, okay. (Phoebe stares at his butt.) (thinking) Nice butt. Piper: Hey! Hey, you hang in there and I'll be back in time. Dan: Yeah, I hope so. (Piper opens the door and Kit growls.) Oh, that's what's scaring Kit. You got hornets. That's probably what stung me too. Piper: Yeah, um, probably. Okay, gotta go, don't leave without me. (Dan leaves.) Phoebe: Okay, gotta go, gotta go. (They put on their coats.) Piper: Uh huh, uh huh. [Scene: Eric's apartment building. Phoebe and Piper are walking down the hallway.] Phoebe: They're called Collectors. They're a warlock (Someone walks past them.) They are a warlock breed that drains knowledge out of peoples brains with that weird finger I saw. Piper: The book didn't say how to vanquish them? Phoebe: No, it just said their hunger for knowledge is your all. Piper: Okay, whatever that means. Are you sure this is where he lives? Phoebe: The hospital record said 5D.Here it is. [Cut to inside Eric's room. Two Collectors are there and are holding Eric down on a table. One Collector's finger turns into a needle. Piper and Phoebe walk in and Piper freezes them.] Piper: Okey-dokey. Phoebe: Oh my God, that is Dr. Stone. Eric's dad's doctor. Piper: Alright, let's get him outta here. We'll figure out what they want later. Are you ready? Do your little thingy. Phoebe: Okay. (They unfreeze and Phoebe starts doing karate on them. Eric gets a gun out of a drawer.) Eric: Get back. (Eric shoots them.) Phoebe: Oh my God. (They stand back up.) Okay, let's go, let's go. (They run outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen.] Eric: They're the one's who put my father in the hospital. They took his mind. Piper: Who do you think they are? Eric: (thinking) NCA, CIA, who knows? (out loud) Somebody in bullet proof vests. The question is- who are you? Phoebe: Friends. Eric: (thinking) Yeah, right. They're after the Akashic Records too. Piper: What are the Akashic Records? Eric: I knew it. Phoebe: Wait, what did you just say. Piper: The Akashic Records, what are they? Eric: You tell me. Phoebe: I'll tell you. They're a book of ancient prophecies. The future of the world down to the smallest detail hidden away and lost for centuries. But it's just a legend. How did you Eric: You're well informed. Phoebe: I read a lot. Piper, how did you know that? Piper: I'll tell you later. So, they want those records and they want Eric because he knows how to find them, right? Eric: Who are you people? Piper: What if it's not a legend? Say they're real. What happens if the bad guys get these records Phoebe: And they use the future against us? No more us. The bad guys win. Eric: I gotta get my father outta there. Phoebe: No, wait, Eric. Eric: He's stuck in the hospital and Dr. Stone's in on it. Phoebe: Eric, it is not about your father anymore. It's about you. Especially if they think you know how to find the Akashic Records. Eric: Try and stop me. (Phoebe grabs his arm and she flips him and he lands on his back on the floor. She sits on top of him.) How? (Prue enters.) Prue: Entertaining guests I see. Phoebe: Hi! (Eric tries to get up.) Piper, could you help me out a little? (Piper freezes Eric.) Prue: Who's the cute boy? Phoebe: He's Eric, from the hospital. Two warlocks called Collectors wants what's in his brain. The location of the Akashic Records. (Phoebe gets off Eric.) Piper: (thinking) The lost text that predicts all future events. Collectors get it, the world's a goner. Phoebe: It's a Prue: It's a lost text that predicts all future events. The collectors get it, the worlds a goner. I know. Phoebe: Okay, does someone wanna tell me what's going on here? Piper: (thinking) Have to tell her now. Prue: Okay, um, Phoebe. See Piper and I didn't really know about the whole pricking thing to expose a warlock. So, we sort of cast a little hearing thoughts spell, just to find things out. Phoebe: Oh, a hearing thoughts spell. Piper: (thinking) Dan's clean by the way. Prue: (thinking) Glad to hear it. Jack's not. Phoebe: Wait, are you guys thinking something about me right now? Prue: No. Does Eric know witches and warlocks? Piper: No, he thinks it's a government conspiracy. How do you know Jack's a warlock? Prue: I heard his thoughts and they are bad, really bad. You know graves, dead people, burnt bodies. Phoebe: Did you prick him? Prue: No, that's why I need Piper. Freeze him, prick him and then vanquish him if necessary. (Piper sees a dagger on the table.) Piper: Where'd you get that? Prue: Oh, remember the troubled priest with the warlock brothers? Well, they left this behind and I've sort of hung on to it just in case we needed it for future warlock use. Phoebe: Wow, it's been a while but it seems like they're everywhere. Okay, you two go to it, I'll stay here. Piper: What if the collector's show up? Phoebe: Well, just get back before they do. Don't lose that dagger. (Phoebe sits back on Eric.) Prue: (thinking) We have to go kill a warlock while she gets to sit on some guys Phoebe: Hey, hey, hey. Prue: You heard that? Phoebe: Like I need a hearing thoughts spell to know what you're thinking. (Piper unfreezes Eric.) Now, are you gonna behave? Eric: Do I have a choice? [Scene: Outside the museum. Dr Stone is there. The other Collector walks up to him.] Dr. Stone: Did you find Eric. Collector: No. Dr. Stone: Not good. He's been protected by a time freezing witch. Collector: And Bruce Lee's little sister. Dr. Stone: The Akashic Records are within our reach. Collector: It's going to be very difficult to drain his brain if they know what we're after. Dr. Stone: Not to worry. We'll get in his mind. To his heart. Collector: Oh, very nice. (Dr. Stone blinks and he disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Jack stands at the doorway.] Jack: Ah, there she is. Hard at work. Look, I'm glad you called. Can I come in? Prue: Sure. Jack: (thinking) Stay focused, get it over with. (Piper enters.) Prue: (thinking) Freeze him. (Piper freezes him.) Piper: The dagger, his hand. Just cut him, poke him. (Prue gets the dagger and cuts him.) Prue: He's not bleeding. Piper: He's frozen. Prue: Ugh, yeah, okay, okay, okay. Wait a minute. (She hides the dagger.) Okay. (The door opens and hits Piper.) Piper: Oh! (Another Jack enters.) Jack #2: Hey! Any survivors? (Jack #2 walks next to Jack #1. Piper freezes him.) Prue: Okay, there's two of them. Piper: Twin warlocks? Prue: Or, maybe they're just twins. Okay you unfreeze them, if that prick doesn't bleed, then that one's dead too. Piper: Alright. Prue: Right, let them go. (Piper unfreezes them.) Jack #1: Ow! Jack #2: What's the matter? She bite you? Jack #1: Your shouldn't be here. Jack #2: Come on man. I couldn't let you take all the blame. Piper: He's bleeding. Prue: Alright, this is my sister, Piper, which one of you jerks is Jack? Jack #1: Uh, I'm the jerk. This is my twin brother, Jeff. Jeff: Nice to meet you. Look, sorry for the little tap dance earlier. Prue: So, what exactly was it that you guys were trying to prove? Jack: It's just a little something we used to do growing Up. Jeff: Yeah, so, you know when one of us would take an interest in someone Jack: Don't get the wrong idea. Piper: So, you'd send the other one to check out the merchandise, sort of kick the tyres? Jeff: Crude but accurate. Prue: (thinking) Still doesn't explain why he wanted to kill me. Piper: So, uh, Jeff, what is it that you do for a living? Jack: Oh, great, this should be a conversation stopper. Jeff: I own a mortuary. Actually, a whole chain of them. Piper: (to Prue) Mortuaries. Prue: (to Piper) Put them in graves, set them on fire. Piper: Mmm hmm. Prue: You know, you two should be ashamed of yourselves. (She walks up to Jack and slaps him across the face.) That's for thinking you could get away with it. (Jeff laughs. Prue slaps him too.) And that's for thinking you wouldn't get slapped. Piper. (They leave.) Jeff: I approve. [Scene: Manor. Eric is sitting at a table. Phoebe brings out some tea and pours it in two cups.] Eric: How did you know to be there to help me. Phoebe: Uh, it's a long story. Eric: Shorten it. Phoebe: I have this gift. I sort of know when things are gonna happen. If there's gonna be trouble. Eric: How? Phoebe: Just something I was born with. Eric: So, you don't work for some government agency? Phoebe: No, I'm just a girl. Now, let me ask you a question. This thing that you did, translating this ancient code or whatever. Why did you do it? Eric: I did it for my father. Phoebe: To finish his work? Eric: People hurt him and I wanted to find out who and I want to get even. Phoebe: Even out the risk of them hurting you? Eric: He's my dad. I love him and if I can't have him back, I want justice. Phoebe: I envy you. Eric: You're not close to your folks? Phoebe: My mum is dead. Eric: I'm sorry. Phoebe: And my dad is gone. Eric: You don't know where he is? Phoebe: I'm not really that interested. Eric: I don't understand that. Phoebe: You don't know my dad. Eric: Do you? Phoebe: No, I never got the chance to unfortunately. Okay, I'm a sucker for family. Follow me. (They walk out the room.) [Cut to the foyer. Prue and Piper enter.] Piper: (Calling out to Phoebe) Jack's not a warlock. Prue: He's a jerk. (Phoebe and Eric enter the foyer.) Phoebe: We're going to the hospital. We've got to get Eric's dad out of there and keep him someplace safe. Come on. [Scene: Hospital. Prue, Piper and Phoebe enter it. The place is deserted. The phone rings at the reception desk.] Piper: Where is everybody? Did you bring that dagger? Prue: Yep. (Eric walks up to the desk and sees the receptionist lying on the floor. Eric runs down the hallway.) Phoebe: Eric, wait. [Cut to Eric's dad's room.] Eric: Dad, we gotta get you outta here. (Prue, Piper and Phoebe enter.) Phoebe: Eric Eric: I'm getting him outta here, Phoebe. (Dr. Stone and the collector blink in the room. Prue uses her power and they fly up against the wall. The two collectors disappear.) What's going on? Prue: Later. Phoebe: Get him. We gotta get outta here. Eric: Where'd they go. Dr. Stone: Looking for that? (He holds up the dagger. He disappears.) Prue: He's got the dagger. [Cut back in the room. Prue walks outside and gets a wheelchair Dr. Stone appears behind Piper, grabs her hair and puts the dagger near her neck. The other Collector appears behind Eric and grabs him.] Phoebe: Piper! (Prue comes back in the room.) Dr. Stone: Move and she dies. (Phoebe grabs a vase of flowers and hits Dr. Stone over the head. He lets go of Piper and falls to the ground. Prue uses her powers and releases Eric from the Collectors grip. Dr. Stone blinks and appears next to Eric's dad. Prue gets ready to throw the dagger at them and they hold onto Eric's dad and blinks out of the room.) Eric: Dad? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the Hospital. Eric's running down the stairs. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are chasing him.] Phoebe: Eric! Eric, we still want to help you. Nothing has changed. (Eric stops running.) Eric: No, everything has changed. Some kind of monster's just took my dad. Phoebe: They're called warlocks. Eric: Warlocks? What does that make the three of you? Phoebe: Witches. Eric: Forgive me, but what you're saying is insane. Prue: Eric, you believe in the Akashic Records and all the power they represent, right? Eric: Yeah, I guess. Piper: Well, most people think that's a myth. Prue: But you now know that it isn't, so isn't it possible that other things like witches and warlocks actually do exist? Eric: Maybe, but why would warlocks want my dad? Prue: They're probably gonna offer you a trade. Your dad for what's in your head. Piper: And they can appear anytime, any place, which is why we need to get you back to the manor and you'll be safer than anywhere else. Phoebe: Okay, look, Eric. I am the same girl you met at the hospital a few weeks ago. The only thing that's changed is now you know our secret. Eric: It's one hell of a secret. Phoebe: Yeah, and I trust you with it. So please, trust me in return. Look, if we're gonna save your father, we have to keep you safe until we figure out what we're gonna do. Eric: You do that. I have another idea. (He walks off.) Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go get him, you two get home. (She runs off.) Prue: Do we have to protect him? Piper: He is pissing me off. [Cut to the museum. Eric is getting a fire extinguisher.] Phoebe: Eric, what are you doing? Eric: You'll see. (They start walking through the museum.) Phoebe: We shouldn't be out in the open like this. It's not safe. Eric: Then go. I have something I have to do. Phoebe: What? What do you have to do? Get busted, Eric. (They walk up to the map stone.) Wow, that's the map stone isn't it? Eric: You know, my father thought it would be so wonderful translating it. A gift of knowledge, to usher the world into the new millennium. (He gets ready to break the glass. Phoebe stops him.) Phoebe: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Eric: If the Akashic Records are everything you say they are, they're not a gift. I mean, the Warlocks shouldn't have that knowledge and neither should the rest of us. With all the knowledge revealed, we could have no free will. Phoebe: And no world as we know it. Eric: Maybe no world at all. (Eric smashes the glass cabinet with the fire extinguisher. The alarm goes off. Eric gets the map stone out and throws it on the ground. It smashes. Everyone stands there shocked.) Now no one else will ever be able to translate the map. The only place of longitude as this is in my head. (They run off.) A Guy: I'll get security. [Scene: Manor. Prue and Piper are walking up the stairs.] Piper: Poor Eric. Prue: He'll be okay, we'll figure this out. Piper: Yeah, in the meantime warlocks have his father, I can't imagine how helpless he must feel. Prue: I can. (They walk in the attic.) Piper: Prue, a warlock didn't take our father. Prue: No, he left on his own. Piper: Do you miss him? Prue: I didn't say that. Piper: Do you think about him? Prue: Why? (Prue starts looking through the Book of Shadows.) Piper: Because I'm wondering if I'm the only one who does. Prue: No, you're not. Piper: So you miss him. Prue: I miss who he should've been and I miss who he never was but I don't miss him. Piper: I do. Prue: Right, can we get to work. Piper: Okay, let's save someone else's father instead. Prue: The only way to protect Eric is to take the information out of his brain forever. The spell is right here. Piper: Ah, but if we do that, Eric won't have anything to offer the warlock and they'll be furious and they'll kill his dad. Prue: Eric is innocent. Our priority is him. Piper: Yeah, but they're both innocents. Prue: Piper, I hope it doesn't come to this but we may have to make a choice. Piper: Why? I mean, there's gotta be another way with all the hocus pocus we have. Prue: Still may not be enough. I mean, we're talking about the future, everyone's future. Piper: So we have to sacrifice Eric's dad? Prue: For the greater food. Piper: Man, you can dress it up anyway you want, it still stinks. Prue: You know what? It sucks. (The doorbell rings.) Piper: Oh, that's Dan. I gotta deal with him. You gotta figure out what we're gonna say to Phoebe. [Cut to the foyer. Piper opens the door.] Dan: You ready to go? (thinking) Oh man, she's not coming. Piper: Dan, look, I wanna go, I really do, I'm just not quite ready yet! (Phoebe enters the foyer.) Phoebe: Piper, any word from the (She sees Dan.) pizza guy? Hi Dan, we ordered pizza, would you like to stay for pizza? Dan: (thinking) No, I wanna go with her. But what's the point? Piper: Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking Phoebe: (thinking) Piper! Piper: But I can be ready on time. Dan: Okay, well, I have to leave in an hour or I'm gonna be late for the wedding rehearsals so the car's gonna leave the driveway at six. Hope to see you then. Piper: Okay. (She closed the door.) Dan: (thinking) Someday, someway, somehow, I'm gonna make it through that damn door. [Cut back to inside.] Eric: Have the warlocks made contact yet? Piper: Uh, no. Not yet. (Prue enters the foyer.) Where have you guys been? Phoebe: Well, Eric destroyed the map stone so we're covered there. Did you guys find anything in the book? Piper: (thinking) You tell her. I've broken enough hearts this afternoon. Prue: We'll both tell her. Piper: Uh, why don't you check your messages at home. Maybe they've tried to contact you there. Eric: Okay. (He goes in the other room.) Phoebe: What's going on? Piper: Can we talk? [Cut to the living room. Eric's checking his messages.] Operator: You have no new messages. [Cut to the kitchen.] Phoebe: Wait, you're willing to let Eric's father die? Piper: We can't risk losing Eric and allow the warlocks to gain future knowledge. Phoebe: But not at the expense of his father. We have to save him. Prue: Phoebe, we have to save everyone's dad. We have to protect the whole world from these warlocks and we can't do it if they have the records. Phoebe: So, what am I supposed to tell Eric? That we might have to sacrifice his father? I can't do that, I promised him that we would save him. (She starts to leave.) Piper: Phoebe Phoebe: (thinking) You don't even care. (She turns around.) I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I don't know why I even thought it. Prue: Do you want us to tell him? Phoebe: No, it's something I have to do. [Cut to the living room. Eric's phone rings. He answers it.] Eric: Hello? Dr. Stone: Eric, I assume you know who this is? Eric: Where's my father? Dr. Stone: Oh, so you do know. Good. [Cut to the collectors. Eric's dad is in a wheelchair.] Dr. Stone: Say hello to Eric, Ben. (He puts the phone up to Ben's ear.) Ben: Son? Eric: Dad? Ben: I feel so odd. Eric: Dad. (The collector puts his needle finger in Ben's head.) Dr. Stone: Oh, he's gone, Eric. But I can bring him back and give him to you. All I want in exchange is what's in ;your head. Eric: Where can I find you? Dr. Stone: The Oak Grove, the west end of Golden Gate Park. Half an hour. Alone. Without the witches. (Phoebe comes in.) Phoebe: Eric? (Eric hangs up.) Any messages? Eric: Uh, no, not yet. Phoebe: Eric Eric: Listen, before you say another word, I just want to say thank you for everything that you've done for my father. For everything you'd tried to do. Are you sure you're not an angel? Phoebe: No, I'm no angel. I could probably introduce you to one though. Eric: It's a shame your father is not a part of your life. He would be so proud of you. Phoebe: Uh, Eric, I-I need to talk to you about you and your dad. Eric: Okay. Maybe we should have another cup of tea first. Phoebe: Okay, I'll go get it. Eric: Thanks. (She goes in the kitchen. Eric starts walking towards the door. Prue and Piper come in.) Piper: Eric, where are you going? Eric: Uh, I'm just gonna go out and get some air. (thinking) The Oak Grove, Golden Gate Park. Prue: Phoebe! (Eric leaves. Phoebe comes in.) Phoebe: Where is he going? Piper: He was thinking Golden Gate Park. Phoebe: Oh my God, the warlocks must of contacted him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Golden Gate park. Prue, Piper and Phoebe get out of the car.] Prue: Alright, there are oak trees everywhere. Phoebe: (thinking) What if we're too late? Piper: Phoebe, stop thinking that. Phoebe: Will you get out of my head please. Prue: Alright, the Book Of Shadows said that their hunger is their all, so there must be a way to use the knowledge that they require against them. Piper: Or use their greed to trap them. Prue: Yeah, well, if all else fails, then we'll freeze them and move them long along for Eric to get away. Phoebe: And save his father. Right? Look, it just seems to me that we should do everything we possibly can to reunite Eric with his father. I mean, imagine a dad who actually wants to be with his father. Prue: Pheebs, we'll do our best. Phoebe: Okay, then we should split up. The first one that sees him hollers. (They all walk of in different directions.) [Cut to Prue. She's walking along and then a peacock makes a noise and runs past her. It scares her, she screams and puts her fists up. She calms herself down and continues walking.] [Cut to Eric. He sees the collectors with his dad.] Eric: Dad! Dr. Stone: That's close enough, Eric. I can restore him or I can kill him, Eric. That choice is mine. Eric: Restore him or you don't get what you want. That choice is mine. Dr. Stone: No, no, no. You can't bargain, Eric. We're in control here. Eric: Let's check again. (He lifts up his shirt and there's a gun in his pants.) Who's got the upper hand? Collector: Haven't you been paying attention? That gun won't do anything to us. Eric: No, but it'll blow my head off and if I do that, you won't get the second half of the map. Restore him. (He holds the gun up to his head.) Now! (The Collector puts his needle finger in Eric's dad's head and restores him.) Dad? Ben: Son? Eric, what are you doing? Eric: Dad. (Eric starts walking towards him. Dr. Stone disappears and reappears behind Eric. He grabs Eric and sticks the needle finger in Eric's head.) Dr. Stone: Goodbye now, Eric. Like I said, we're in control. (Phoebe sees them, runs up to Dr. Stone and kicks him. He falls to the ground. The other Collector walks up behind Phoebe and sticks his needle finger in her head. Prue finds them, uses her power and the Collector goes flying and hits the ground. Prue runs over to Phoebe.) Prue: Phoebe. (Piper finds them. Dr. Stone disappears and the Collector stands up.) Piper: Prue, watch out. Collector: That's right, witches, come and get me. (thinking) Don't blink. Keep them focused on me. Let him surprise them from behind. Prue: (thinking) Don't freeze him. Piper: (thinking) Why not? Prue: (thinking) Didn't you hear his thoughts? He's playing decoy. Let him think that it's working. (Dr. Stone appears behind Prue. Piper freezes them. Prue moves them closer together with their fingers near their heads. Piper unfreezes them and the Collectors' fingers go inside each other's heads. They disappear.) Prue: You know, they really shouldn't of given us the finger. Piper: You read my mind. (Phoebe wakes up. Prue and Piper walk over to her.) Phoebe: Prue. Piper. Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: I think so. What are we doing in the park? (Eric and his dad start waking up.) Who are those people? Prue: You don't recognise Eric? Phoebe: No. Why? Should I? Should I? Piper: What's the last thing you remember? Phoebe: The Halloween party. (They help her up.) Piper: That was three weeks ago. Phoebe: Oh. Prue: (to Eric) Are you alright? (She helps him up.) Eric: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just a little confused. What am I doing here? Piper: You don't recognize her? Eric: No (to Phoebe) I think I've seen you at the hospital. Phoebe: Who's the cute guy? Piper: Shh (Prue helps his dad up.) Eric: Dad? Ben: Eric. Eric: Oh my God, you're better. Ben: What's going on? What's happening? Eric: I don't know. Phoebe: Did we do something good? Prue: You did something incredible. (Eric and his dad hug.) [Scene: Manor. Prue and Piper are running down the stairs. Piper's carrying a bag.] Prue: Okay, what am I thinking? Piper: That Dan's gonna leave without me. Prue: Nope. Good, the spell's reversed. Piper: What a relief. (They walk in the foyer.) I think we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that man and especially woman, aren't meant to hear each others thoughts. (She puts on her coat.) Prue: Definitely. Too much knowledge whether it comes from the Akashic Records or other peoples heads is just dangerous stuff. Piper: So, what were you thinking? Prue: I was thinking what a shame it was that Phoebe finally met a nice guy and she's not even gonna remember it. (The door opens and Phoebe walks in carrying a bunch of flowers.) Phoebe: Hi! Prue: Hi. Ah, they're gorgeous. Phoebe: They're for you. The florist left them on the porch but there's no card. Prue: They're huge. Piper: They're expensive. (A phone rings.) Prue: And they're ringing. (She finds a phone in the flowers.) Hello? (She walks into the living room.) Piper: Dan! He's leaving without me. Phoebe: Well, don't just stand there. Freeze him. Piper: Oh, right. (Piper freezes him.) I gotta go. (She leaves.) Phoebe: That's such a nifty little power. (She walks into the living room. Prue's there trying to answer the phone. Phoebe sits on the same couch as Prue.) Oh, honey. (She takes the phone and flips it open. Prue laughs.) Prue: Hello? (Phoebe puts her ear up against the phone as well to try and listen.) Jack: At last. I've been calling you every twenty minutes for the last hour. Do you like the flowers? Prue: Jack, what do you want? Jack: You know, you are a very suspicious woman. Prue: No, I just like to think of it as careful. Jack: Oh, come on, Prue. Are you saying you've been totally honest with me? (Phoebe starts making noises into the phone.) Prue: Jack, I can't hear you. The phones breaking up. Jack: I just, I wanted to apologize. Can I take you to dinner? (Phoebe shakes her head.) Prue: I don't think so. Jack: Come on, let me buy you a drink. (Phoebe shakes her head.) Prue: I don't think so. Jack: Well, can I at least get my phone back? (Prue and Phoebe look at each other.) Prue: I don't think so. (Prue hangs up. They start laughing.) Phoebe: Ooh, I like it. (Phoebe takes the phone and starts dialing a number.) Prue: What are you doing? Phoebe: I'm calling Tokyo. Konnichi wa. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hospital. A room. Phoebe's there putting magazines and flowers on a table. Eric enters.] Eric: Excuse me. I'm looking for a doctor Swinsley. I need him to sigh some insurance papers. I was told he would be in here. Phoebe: Uh, yeah, he actually just took Mrs. Bruhn to the sun room. You could probably catch him there. Eric: Great. Thanks. You're Phoebe, right? I'm Eric Bragg. I think I saw you the other day at the park. Phoebe: Right, right, how's your father? Eric: Oh, he's better thanks. He's almost back to his old self. I remember, you were really sweet to him when he was in here. Not many people would of bothered. You must be an angel. Phoebe: No, I'm no angel. But I could probably introduce you to one if you like. (They smile.) Eric: You know, I just realized I have no idea where the sun room is. Phoebe: Uh, it's kind of complicated, maybe I should draw you a map. (They look at each other as though the word map, rings a bell.)
Plan: A: Piper and Prue; Q: Who cast a mind reading spell to find out if the guys they're dating were warlocks? A: the truth; Q: What do Piper and Prue want to find out? A: the future; Q: What can ancient tablets foretell? A: a target; Q: What did the young man become? A: brain-zapping warlocks; Q: What are the Collectors? A: the Collectors; Q: Who are the warlocks that Piper and Prue help? Summary: After fearing that the guys they're dating are warlocks, Piper and Prue decide to cast a mind reading spell to find out the truth. They then have to use their new power to help out a young man who translated ancient tablets that can foretell the future and ultimately became a target of a pair of brain-zapping warlocks called the Collectors.
THE TIME MONSTER BY: ROBERT SLOMAN 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM MASTER: Now...stand by to duck, for here comes the grand finale. (He makes further adjustments to his wrist device and TOMTIT. The ominous image of a V1 rocket appears on his screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The drone of the machine reaches STUART'S room.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: What's that? STUART HYDE: Sounds like a motorbike. (BENTON goes to the window.) SERGEANT BENTON: Yeah, but...it's coming from the sky. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The DOCTOR brakes, as does the BRIGADIER next to them. The DOCTOR listens.) DOCTOR: Oh no! (The BRIGADIER gets out of his jeep.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's up? DOCTOR: Listen. (They listen in silence.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That sounds like...no, it can't be! JO: Look, there's the convoy. (She points across the fields. The convoy of three vehicles can be seen moving again beyond some trees. The BRIGADIER speaks urgently into his TM45 radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Greyhound three, greyhound three, can you hear me, Captain Yates? Over. (CAPTAIN YATES' voice comes through but with a great deal of static.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound three, I can only just hear you, over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates, that thing is a bomb and its on its way to you - over! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Say again, say again, I cannot read you, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER flicks several switches.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The drone of the V1 abruptly stops.) DOCTOR: Jo, out of the car. Get down! (They get out of the car quickly. The BRIGADIER yells into his radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates, get out of it, man! It's a bomb, it's a bomb! Get out of it, Yates! (The convoy has disappeared behind a copse of trees.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Alright, lads! It's a bomb! Dive! (Beyond the copse there is a massive explosion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: Brigadier, come in, please? (RUTH and STUART watch on.) SERGEANT BENTON: Greyhound three, come in! (There is no reply.) SERGEANT BENTON: Captain Yates, can you hear me, sir? Over. (BENTON lowers radio, looking desperately worried.) SERGEANT BENTON: It's no good. I just can't raise them. They must have copped it! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. COPSE (The bomb has created a large crater in the ground and the wreckage of the convoy is strewn about. The TARDIS lies against the side of the crater as does the bloodied UNIT SERGEANT. A yokel FARMWORKER leans over him as the troops help their wounded.) FARMWORKER: What happened then? UNIT SERGEANT: I don't know. Some sort of explosion. (He clambers to his feet.) FARMWORKER: Ah, I 'eard it. Funny that. Huh, it was just about here where that doodlebug fell - back in 1944, that were. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER snaps closed the screen on his wrist viewer.) MASTER: You know, I thoroughly enjoyed that! (He laughs as he switches off TOMTIT.) KRASIS: You have...you have destroyed this...this TARDIS? MASTER: No, it can't be destroyed. But people can. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. COPSE (The DOCTOR, JO and the BRIGADIER have reached the convoy. YATES is stood up next to his jeep, groggy and with blood on the side of his head as the BRIGADIER looks him over. JO and the DOCTOR run up.) JO: Mike, you alright? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Now, you take it easy, Mike. You've finished work for the day. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Sir, I... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: An ambulance is on its way. DOCTOR: Jo, can you spare me a moment? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Sorry about the TARDIS, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry, Captain. We'll soon have her on her feet again. (And nearby, the troops not wounded in the attack are attaching ropes to the TARDIS in an effort to pull it upright. The DOCTOR gets the time sensor out of Bessie and passes it to JO.) DOCTOR: Right, Jo, I want you to keep a close eye on this. As soon as you see the slightest reaction, you let me know. JO: Right. (Meanwhile the ropes have been attached to the back of the FARMWORKER'S tractor.) FARMWORKER: One, two, six, heave! One, two, six, heave! (He drives forward and the troops help to right the TARDIS.) FARMWORKER: Pull! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (SERGEANT BENTON has managed to make contact with the BRIGADIER...) SERGEANT BENTON: Sir, I'll stand by. And I'm glad you're all okay, sir. We'd really thought you'd copped it. Greyhound ... (On the other side of the room, RUTH and STUART are in the middle of an argument.) STUART HYDE: It's a daft idea anyway. I've had one basinful and I don't feel much like walking into another. You heard what the Doctor said! DR. RUTH INGRAM: You know, Stuart, for a so-called member of the dominant s*x, you are being remarkable feeble! (BENTON walks over.) SERGEANT BENTON: Hey, hey! Is this a private fight or can anyone join in? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Boudicea here only wants to creep over to the lab and knobble the Master! SERGEANT BENTON: Hey, well supposing the time field's still working? STUART HYDE: Exactly! DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well we shan't know that till we try it, now shall we? SERGEANT BENTON: Right then, then what are we waiting for? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right! STUART HYDE: Oy, you're worse than she is! SERGEANT BENTON: Oh, you're suggesting that we just sit here and let the Master treat us as a load of twits, I suppose? STUART HYDE: Look mate, you're paid to play the James Bond games, I'm a scientist. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Stuart, really! STUART HYDE: Oh, don't you start! You'll be the first to clobber me if I muck things up! DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, you might at least have a go. Oh, why are you men so spineless? STUART HYDE: Lovey, I'm not men - I'm Stuart Hyde, registered, card-carrying, paid-up coward! (RUTH and BENTON stare at STUART.) STUART HYDE: Oh, for pete's sake, what are you looking at me like that for? (He gives in.) STUART HYDE: Alright, I'll come. SERGEANT BENTON: Thanks, Stuart. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Jolly good, Stu, I knew you wouldn't let us down! STUART HYDE: Just give me time, that's all. (He picks up a large spanner.) STUART HYDE: Well, come on then! What are we waiting for? (He heads for the door.) SERGEANT BENTON: Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER picks up the unit with the crystal inside.) MASTER: Come, Krasis. We have work to do. (He walks into his computer-unit TARDIS and the puzzled high priest follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The console of the MASTER'S TARDIS has changed and the central rotor is made up of a metallic tower with no glass cover. The roundels on the wall are now circular bowls, back lit with a soft light. The main doorway is an alcove rather than two double doors. The MASTER places the crystal unit on a glass table as KRASIS looks round the futuristic room in shock.) KRASIS: Master, what is this place? Is it a temple? (The MASTER starts to reconnect the crystal unit.) MASTER: Do not let it concern you, Krasis. KRASIS: So vast a space inside so small a box! MASTER: My power is greater than your imagination can encompass - you just remember that. Your only interest at the moment is to realise that Atlantis awaits us. (He crosses to the main console.) MASTER: Now...test the power levels. (A whine of power starts to build up.) MASTER: Good. Just a few minutes re-cycling and we shall be ready to leave. (He walks out of his TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. COPSE (As MIKE'S wound is treated, JO runs over to the DOCTOR with the time sensor.) JO: I'm getting a reading. (The DOCTOR looks at the device.) DOCTOR: Oh, it's very low. JO: Mmm, it's fading again. DOCTOR: He must be testing before take-off. The power drain would have been enormous. Brigadier? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, Doctor? DOCTOR: The Master seems to be on the move again. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, Sergeant, get the Doctor's machine loaded up. UNIT SERGANT: Right lads, let's load her up. DOCTOR: No, there's no time for that now. I'll have to take the TARDIS up from down there. I'll use the time sensor as a homing device and put my TARDIS inside his. Then wherever he goes, I'll go with him. (Followed by the BRIGADIER and JO, he climbs down into the smoking crater where the TARDIS is now upright, the soldiers having just removed the ropes.) DOCTOR: Well, goodbye, Lethbridge Stewart. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Bye. DOCTOR: I'll make contact as soon as possible. JO: We'll make contact as soon as possible. DOCTOR: We? JO: We. DOCTOR: Nothing I can say to dissuade you? JO: No. DOCTOR: Oh... (He opens the door and they enter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Strangely, the walls of the DOCTOR'S TARDIS have also changed and now resemble the MASTER'S although the console remains unchanged.) JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yeah? JO: The TARDIS looks different. DOCTOR: Oh, just a spot of redecoration, that's all. Now, Jo, you realise that what I'm about to do is going to be appallingly dangerous? JO: I've been in the TARDIS with you before. DOCTOR: Alright, but you've been warned. (She laughs. He puts the time sensor on the console and closes the doors. JO offers to take his cloak.) JO: ... ? DOCTOR: Thank you. (He takes it off and she hangs it over a lectern, together with her own "fun-fur" coat. The DOCTOR picks up the time sensor.) DOCTOR: Right. Now then, come over here - look at this. JO: Yeah, I'm coming. (She joins him as the time sensor starts up again. The two needles on the dials of the device point exactly the same direction.) DOCTOR: Now, the two TARDIS's are operating on the same frequency, you see? Now, here comes the tricky part - you see this? (The DOCTOR adjusts controls on the console.) JO: Yeah. DOCTOR: Well this is the time setting. Now its critical to a billionth part of a nanosecond. You see? JO: Yeah. (He passes her the sensor.) DOCTOR: Now hold this. If it's infinitesimally low, we'll miss it entirely and goes whistling off to heaven knows where. But if it's too high, even by a fraction of a moment... (He claps his hands.) DOCTOR: Woomph! Time-ram! JO: Time-ram? DOCTOR: Yes, you see the atoms making up this TARDIS would...occupy precisely the same space and time as the atoms making up the Master's TARDIS. JO: But that's impossible! DOCTOR: Yes, well of course it is. So what do you think would happen? JO: Woomph! DOCTOR: Yes, exactly - extinction. Utter annihilation. Now do you still want to come? JO: It is my job - remember? (He gives her a mock salute.) DOCTOR: Glad to have you aboard, Miss Grant. (She returns the salute...) JO: Glad to be aboard, Doctor! (...and grins.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. COPSE (The TARDIS dematerialises. The FARMWORKER looks round to see where it has gone and then shakes his head.) FARMWORKER: Londoners! (He strolls off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (Keeping low, SERGEANT BENTON, RUTH and STUART run out from the side of the main house and keep behind the shrubbery which skirts the edge of the drive and forecourt. They reach the edge of this cover and BENTON runs towards and behind a tree some yards away. Once there, RUTH and then STUART, with his spanner, follow. BENTON beckons them on again and they make for the bushes that grow at the base of the building next to the stable block which contains the director's office. BENTON looks out to make sure that they are not being watched from the stable block itself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR looks over the readings on one panel of the console.) DOCTOR: (Satisfied.) Ah ha. (He moves to another panel...) DOCTOR: Yes. (...and a third.) DOCTOR: Yes, so far, so good. JO: How long's it going to take us to get there? DOCTOR: Well, that's the curious thing - no time at all. We're outside time. Of course, it always seems to take a long time but that depends upon the mood, I suppose. JO: What - your mood? DOCTOR: No, no, no - hers. (He nods at the console and JO bursts out laughing.) DOCTOR: No, the TARDIS's. JO: You talk as if she was alive! DOCTOR: Well, it depends what you mean by alive, doesn't it? You take old Bessie, for instance. (He looks a reading on the console.) DOCTOR: Right, coming in to land now, Jo. (He slowly pulls a lever on the console. The TARDIS materialisation sound fills the room, but it is at a slower speed and lower pitch than usual. The whole room shudders...) DOCTOR: ... ! (...JO grabs the console and on the other side of the room, the MASTER'S TARDIS, still a computer unit, materialises.) JO: Look! DOCTOR: Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! (Sighs.) Still, that was always on the cards I suppose. JO: His TARDIS is inside ours instead of, well, the other way round. DOCTOR: Yes, quite. Very curious effect that. I wonder how it happened? Jo, er, switch on the monitor, will you? Let's see where we are. (She presses a switch. In one of the roundels an image of a flickering red and orange vortex appears.) DOCTOR: Well, that's strange. (He realises and snaps his fingers.) DOCTOR: No, of course! We're seeing through the TOMTIT gap into the time vortex. (He opens the doors.) DOCTOR: Jo, you wait right here. (Leaving a scared looking JO behind, he walks out...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (...and into the MASTER'S TARDIS. The police box looks as incongruous here as the computer unit did in the DOCTOR'S.) DOCTOR: Good grief! Jo, come out here a moment, will you? (Jo steps out.) JO: I don't get it! DOCTOR: No. Follow me. (He flicks a switch on the MASTER'S console and walks out of the doors...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (...back into his own TARDIS. The image of the inside of the MASTER'S TARDIS now appears on the scanner.) JO: I still don't get it! DOCTOR: Well, it's perfectly simple, Jo. My TARDIS is inside the Master's. JO: Yes, but his is inside yours. DOCTOR: Exactly - they're both inside each other. Yeah, I should have suspected that. JO: Well, what are we going to do now? DOCTOR: Three guesses? (JO puts a finger to her lips in a mock pose of deep thought.) JO: Erm, I wonder? Wait? (He snaps his fingers.) DOCTOR: Right first time! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER makes notes on a clipboard of readings from TOMTIT as KRASIS paces the room. His constant walking back and forth takes him to the window. He glances out.) KRASIS: Master! [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The UNIT convoy, minus the truck which carried the TARDIS, has reached the institute and turns from the drive into the forecourt.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM KRASIS: Alien warriors! (The MASTER runs to the window, glances out and runs back to TOMTIT.) MASTER: I'll soon fix them! (He starts stabbing at buttons. The hum of the machinery builds up...) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The convoy stops. The soldiers start to climb out of the troop carrier as the BRIGADIER draws his pistol.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, D squad round the block. (They all start to move off.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Keep your eyeeeess ooopppppeeeeeennnnnn... (...and come to a complete halt, frozen in time.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM MASTER: There. (He joins KRASIS at the window.) MASTER: That'll keep them nicely unoccupied for the time being. (Satisfied, he goes back to TOMTIT, operating final controls.) MASTER: Right, Krasis, in you go. KRASIS: Where? MASTER: Into the TARDIS, man, and hurry up! (KRASIS looks terrified at the prospect but reluctantly makes his way over. The door opens and RUTH and STUART come in unseen.) MASTER: Right, they won't stop me now. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Sorry, professor, but that's where you're wrong. (The MASTER looks up in surprise. Walking towards the two of them, he fails to see that BENTON has repeated his trick and has entered by the back window. He is drawing and aiming his pistol.) MASTER: Well, well, my devoted assistants. And are you going to stop me? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Not by ourselves, no. Take a look behind you. MASTER: Oh, come on, really! SERGEANT BENTON: You suit yourself, mate, but let's just have those hands up in the air, shall we? (The MASTER spins round and raises his hands.) MASTER: I should have disposed of you while I had the chance! SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, well, you'll never have a better one. Stu, see if he's got a gun. (STUART puts his spanner down and turns to search the MASTER, but makes the mistake of standing between their prisoner and BENTON.) SERGEANT BENTON: Stuart, look out! (The MASTER pushes STUART at BENTON...) STUART HYDE: ... ! (...and runs into his TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (KRASIS is waiting and immediately points out the addition to the room.) KRASIS: Master! The other one...is here! Your enemy is here! MASTER: Good! (Laughs.) Now I've got him really trapped! (He stabs at the console...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (...and the MASTER'S TARDIS dematerialises.) STUART HYDE: What the...! (Even STUART is stunned into silence.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR'S TARDIS rocks and shakes and JO has to hold onto the console to keep on her feet.) JO: What's happening, Doctor? DOCTOR: We're on way, Jo. The Master's taken off for Atlantis! (JO is thrown to the floor, but is unhurt.) JO: She's never behaved like this before! DOCTOR: Because the TARDIS's are operating out of phase - that's why. (The room steadies.) DOCTOR: Well, that's calmed her down a bit. She's very temperamental when she's roused, isn't she? JO: You know, I never know whether you're joking or not, I... (JO rubs her backside.) JO: Oh, oh, I think I've bruised my tailbone! DOCTOR: Sorry about your coccyx, Jo, but these little things are sent to try us. JO: My what? DOCTOR: Coccyx - your tailbone. (They fail to spot that the MASTER has appeared on the scanner and is watching and listening, until...) MASTER: (On scanner.) I'm sorry about your coccyx too, Miss Grant. How very sociable of you both to drop in. (He sniggers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (TOMTIT is still running as RUTH and STUART try to find a way to switch it off.) SERGEANT BENTON: Well, I don't think we should touch it. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Why ever not? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, the Doctor was going after his TARDIS, right? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right. (BENTON points at TOMTIT.) SERGEANT BENTON: Well, that thing there is a sort of time machine, isn't it? DR. RUTH INGRAM: So what? SERGEANT BENTON: So we'd better leave well alone. DR. RUTH INGRAM: You're in command, Sergeant Benton. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes. STUART HYDE: And a right foul-up you've made of it too! DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well not exactly his fault. STUART HYDE: Well, don't look at me. You can't say I didn't warn you, now can you? SERGEANT BENTON: (Snaps.) Oh, well I'll listen to you next time. That was the closest I'll ever come to catching the Master, that was. STUART HYDE: Oh, come on now, it's not the end of the world, now is it? SERGEANT BENTON: Isn't it? Well, the Doctor seems to think it might be. And the Master - well, there's no telling where he is by now, is there? Or when he is, for that matter. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Oh, for pity's sake, look, you two make me sick! Standing about moaning like a couple of old women! STUART HYDE: Old women? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Look, I mean it, Stu. Well okay, he's gone off somewhere, so he's gone off. Whether he's gone into the past or the future... SERGEANT BENTON: All I know is... DR. RUTH INGRAM: ...I don't know and, frankly, I don't care. (Tired of another argument, STUART wanders over to the window.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: The point is that we are here and now. Now, what we've got to do is to define the problem SERGEANT BENTON: That's all very well, Dr. Ingram, but I... (STUART calls over from the window...) STUART HYDE: Stop right there, "professor"! The problem's defined. Come and have a look. (They join him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (...and see the UNIT troops as still as statues.) SERGEANT BENTON: (OOV.) It's the Brigadier! DR. RUTH INGRAM: (OOV.) Exactly the same as before. STUART HYDE: (OOV.) How can it be the same as before... [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM STUART HYDE: ...now that the crystal's gone? (RUTH goes back to TOMTIT.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: I think I remember the Doctor said it works independently, even without the crystal. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, but do you realise we're still trapped - inside? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Now will you let me turn off the transmitter? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, I don't think we ought to. STUART HYDE: Well, perhaps we could get out through the back. It may not work all the way round. DR. RUTH INGRAM: I'll bet it does. How do you propose finding out? I mean, once we're stuck, we're stuck! SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, and only the Doctor can get you out. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well? SERGEANT BENTON: Alright, Dr. Ingram - switch it off. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Ah ha! A man of decision. (She flicks several switches as BENTON and STUART look out of the window again. The power of the machine runs down.) SERGEANT BENTON: Go on then, switch off. DR. RUTH INGRAM: But I have. STUART HYDE: They're still stuck! [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (And indeed, the men outside have not changed position.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM DR. RUTH INGRAM: But that's impossible! STUART HYDE: Well, you'd better explain to them, lovey. They still think they're stuck, apparently. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, and we're still trapped - in here. [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM MASTER: (On scanner.) Er, what can I do for you, Doctor? Or, erm, is your visit purely social? DOCTOR: Well, I thought we might have a little chat. MASTER: (On scanner.) What an excellent idea. Er, why not join me out here? [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS DOCTOR: (On scanner.) One step outside my TARDIS and that would be the end of me, wouldn't it? MASTER: Oh, you have a very poor opinion of me, don't you, Doctor? DOCTOR: (On scanner.) You've noticed! Well, well, well. MASTER: It might be of interest for you to know that, erm, I've put a time-lock on your TARDIS. You cannot leave - unless I lift it, of course. DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Do you think that I haven't thought of that too? You're as trapped as I am. You couldn't even open that door of yours unless I wish it. MASTER: Alternatively, I could fling you out into the time vortex now. I doubt whether you could do that to me, so be very, very careful, Doctor. DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Do you really think I care what happens to me at the moment? Don't you realise that your plans could ru... (The MASTER flicks a switch and the sound cuts out although the DOCTOR is seen to carry on talking. The MASTER gives a snort of laughter.) MASTER: You know, he has an excellent brain, that man, though a little pedestrian. But, oh dear, what a bore the fellow is! KRASIS: But is he dangerous? MASTER: He's dangerous enough. But don't worry. I can handle him. (KRASIS points at the police box.) KRASIS: But you said he was in there! You told me he was safe in there! MASTER: Once he realises that he's talking to himself, he'll be out here like a shot! (He sees that the DOCTOR has stopped talking.) MASTER: Ah! He's realised it at last. That took a long time, the slow witted fool. Now you watch - he cannot bear not to have the last word. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM DOCTOR: He's not even listening. He's turned the sound off! JO: Well, that's not very nice, is it? DOCTOR: We've got to make him listen - it's our only chance of stopping him. JO: You're not thinking of going out there, are you? DOCTOR: No, not if I can help it. (The DOCTOR ducks under the console and returns with a unit in his hand.) JO: Well, what are you going to do then? DOCTOR: If he's turned his sound receiver off, I must make myself heard without it. (He starts to swap round components in the unit.) DOCTOR: "If the Thraskin puts his fingers in his ears, it is polite to shout!" That's an old venusian proverb. JO: Well, what's Thraskin? DOCTOR: Thraskin? Oh, it's an archaic word, seldom used since the twenty-fifth dynasty, the modern equivalent is "plinge". JO: What does plinge mean? DOCTOR: Oh, for heaven's sake, Jo. I've just told you - it means Thraskin. (He ducks back under the console with the changed unit.) JO: Oh, of course! [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (RUTH is also swapping round circuits from a unit in TOMTIT.) SERGEANT BENTON: But why? I mean, if you turned it on, the Brig. and company should have speeded up again - why didn't they? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, I don't know but it looks as if TOMTIT has made a permanent gap in the structure of time. Our only hope is to close the gap up. STUART HYDE: So what are you doing? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, I'm turning the circuits upside down, so to speak. Well, it's empirical, but you never know. SERGEANT BENTON: Empirical, I... DR. RUTH INGRAM: That, Sergeant Benton, means that I haven't got a clue what I'm doing. (She puts the unit back.) STUART HYDE: Join the club. SERGEANT BENTON: So, it's just trial and error? Have a go and see what happens? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Yeah, more or less. Right, Stu, you monitor the interstitial activity... STUART HYDE: Okay. (She goes to the unit with the power levers while he stands at another.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: If you get a reading over six-o give us a shout. STUART HYDE: What's the upper limit? DR. RUTH INGRAM: If it gets to seven-o, say a quick prayer and duck. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, what about me? DR. RUTH INGRAM: You just stand there and look pretty. Right, Stu, are you happy? SERGEANT BENTON: Ecstatic. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Okay then, let's have a stab at it. (STUART switches on.) STUART HYDE: Interstitial activity - nil. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Molecular structure - stable, increasing power. STUART HYDE: Two-five, three-o, three-five, four-o... DR. RUTH INGRAM: How's the time reg? (On the other side of the equipment, BENTON watches, totally non-plussed.) STUART HYDE: Er, steady on zero, zero, four. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right, isolate matrix scanner. STUART HYDE: Check. Four-five, five-o... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Interstitial activity. STUART HYDE: Shooting up! Five-five, six-o, six-five, seven-o... (Unseen by RUTH or STUART, a black glow seems to spread through BENTON'S body. The soldier falls slowly down to the floor.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Can't hold! It's running away again! Stop increasing power! STUART HYDE: Seven-five, seven-o, six-five, six-o, five-five, five-o, four-five, four-o, three-five, three-o. (The hum of the racing power reduces.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right, that should be enough. I think the level should be okay now. STUART HYDE: Mmm, quite okay, I'd say. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right, now let's have a look at it. (They run to the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The soldiers are still stuck.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: (OOV.) It's made no difference. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM DR. RUTH INGRAM: They're still stuck. (They walk away from the window, disappointed.) STUART HYDE: There we were, the skin of a gnat's whisker from the big bang... DR. RUTH INGRAM: And nothing happened at all. (He suddenly hears a whimpering noise and looks down at the floor.) STUART HYDE: Nothing? (RUTH also looks down. To their shock, a baby sits on the floor. BENTON has been regressed back in his own personal time.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The MASTER and KRASIS watch as the DOCTOR makes his adjustments to the TARDIS circuits.) KRASIS: Master, what is he doing? MASTER: The same as I would in his position. KRASIS: And what is that? MASTER: Wait and see, Krasis, wait and see. KRASIS: And what are you going to do, Master? (The DOCTOR stands. His voice comes over loud and clear.) DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Testing, testing, testing. One, two, three, four, five, testing? JO: (On scanner.) He can hear you. MASTER: I thought as much! (The MASTER starts to operate switches on his console.) DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Yes, and he can't turn me off. Can you? You've got to listen to me now. MASTER: Have I? (He carries on making adjustments...) DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Obviously, you've not as yet been able to bring Kronos through, otherwise you wouldn't be going to Atlantis, So perhaps there's still time to make you realise the folly of your... (...and stabs a final button.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Immediately, the DOCTOR'S words turn into a stream of gibberish. JO looks at him in wide-eyed amazement.) MASTER: (On scanner.) I...I'm sorry, Doctor, what was that again? (The DOCTOR tries again but he makes a little sense this time as before. The MASTER bursts out laughing and the DOCTOR turns the microphone off.) DOCTOR: Of all the low underhanded tricks! JO: What language was that? DOCTOR: English. JO: English? DOCTOR: Yes, but backwards. JO: I just don't get it. DOCTOR: Well, he's picking up my words even before I've spoken them and feeding them back to me through the TARDIS's telepathic circuits - making them come out backwards. JO: The TARDIS's are telepathic? DOCTOR: Yes, of course. How else do you think they communicate? Well, that decides it. I've got no option. Now listen to me, Jo - when I go out there, I want you to... JO: (Firmly.) You're not going out there. DOCTOR: Well, what else can I do? JO: Doctor, you said yourself it would be suicide to go out there without the protection of the TARDIS! DOCTOR: Well, I've got to risk it. He's got to be stopped, but that's no reason to put you into any danger. Now once I go out of that door, I want you to close it, alright? JO: But that means you'll be locked out! DOCTOR: Yes, and you'll be safely locked in. Now, you're not to open that door for anybody or anything until I say so. JO: I won't do it. (Shouts.) I will not do it! DOCTOR: Jo, you'll do as you're told! It's your job - remember? JO: (Tearfully.) Doctor, if anything happens to you... DOCTOR: Yes, I know, Jo, I know. Now go and open that door. (She does as he says and watches him go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The MASTER is waiting by the crystal unit as the DOCTOR steps out.) MASTER: There you are, Krasis. What did I tell you? (The DOCTOR looks at the high priest.) DOCTOR: Won't you introduce me? KRASIS: I am Krasis - high priest of the temple of Poseidon. (The DOCTOR bows.) DOCTOR: Greetings to you, Krasis. Any friend of the Master's is an enemy of mine. MASTER: Oh come, Doctor, must we play games? I take it you have something to say to me before I destroy you? DOCTOR: Yes, I most certainly have. [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (JO watches...) MASTER: (On scanner.) Your usual song of death and disaster? I do wish you'd learn a new tune. [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS DOCTOR: You're risking the total destruction of the entire cosmos. MASTER: Of course I am. All or nothing - literally! What a glorious alternative! DOCTOR: You're mad! Paranoid! MASTER: Who isn't? The only difference is that I'm a little more honest than the rest. (He flicks a switch on the crystal unit.) MASTER: Goodbye, Doctor! KRASIS: No, Master, no! (From within the depths of the glowing crystal, a white flapping creature emerges and starts to grow larger.) MASTER: Behold Kronos - a rare and delicate feast for you - A Time Lord! Devour him! (The DOCTOR steps back as the flapping creature swoops down on him. KRONOS moves back and the DOCTOR is seen to have disappeared.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM JO: (Horrified.) Doctor! (She faints with the shock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The MASTER holds up the seal.) MASTER: Kronos, be at peace! I command you! Be at peace! (The creature retreats back into the crystal.) MASTER: Your work is nearly done...for now. (The MASTER switches the unit off and laughs in triumph.) MASTER: You see, Krasis? Kronos is my slave. (He moves to the console and hears JO gasping as she recovers and stands up.) MASTER: Miss Grant? JO: (On scanner.) What happened to the Doctor? You must help him! MASTER: Ah, he's beyond my help, my dear. He's beyond anybody's help. JO: (On scanner.) You mean...that thing...that...that creature really swallowed him up? MASTER: Ah, that's a nice point. Yes and no. Yes, it engulfed him - no, it didn't actually "eat him up". He's out there in the time vortex and there he's going to stay. JO: (On scanner.) Then he is alive? MASTER: Well, if you can call it that - alive for ever in an eternity of nothingness. (Laughs.) To coin a phrase: a living death! JO: (On scanner.) That...that's the most cruel, the most wicked thing I ever heard! MASTER: Thank you, my dear. Now, what are we going to do about you though? You're an embarrassment to me. As indeed is that antiquated piece of junk of the Doctor's. Now let me see... (He looks down at the console.) JO: (On scanner.) I don't really care anymore. Do what you like. But just get it over with. MASTER: Your word is my command. (He stabs a control on the console.) MASTER: Goodbye, Miss Grant! (The slowed down, tortured sound of materialisation fills the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: VORTEX (In vortex, the two TARDIS's spin round, one superimposed over the other as they continue to occupy the same space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 47: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (The MASTER bursts into laughter as the image of JO on his scanner starts to rock wildly out of control prior to the two ship's separating...)
Plan: A: The Master; Q: Who is preparing to travel back to Atlantis? A: his TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor link to the Master's to try to stop him? Summary: The Master prepares to travel back to Atlantis but the Doctor links his TARDIS to the Master's to try and stop him.
"Max to the Max" 20th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 1ADA19 [SCENE_BREAK] (Scene opens where Four Squared left off. Max just told Isabel and Michael that Tess was one of them.) Michael: What do you mean, she's one of us? Isabel: Max, what is it? Michael: Max. (They follow Max to the cave with the pods that he remembered. He opens the door.) Michael: How did you...? Max: I just knew. Isabel: Max, we can't... Max: We have to Isabel. We have to find out. Isabel: What is this place, Max? Tess: It's where we were all born. Isabel: No. No. No, I don't believe this. Max: Isabel wait. We can't leave her alone, Michael. Come on. (Isabel and Max leave the cave.) Tess: You want to know, don't you? You want all the answers. I can give them to you, but first you have to convince them that I'm not your enemy. Max didn't tell you about this, did he? Take it. It will prove to them that I don't want to hurt you. If you convince them then I can explain everything. (Michael leaves with the alien book. Nasedo materializes out of the wall.) Nasedo: How could you bring them up here like this? You know the Special Unit is close. You saw that camera. Who do you think put it on them in the first place? Our friend, Pierce. Tess: Oh yeah, so why don't you just kill him? According to Max, you've done that before. Nasedo: What has he been telling you? You're going to trust him over me? Listen, you and I have spent a lot of time together. Now I don't want to say we're family... Tess: You're not my family. You never will be. Max, Michael and Isabel are. Nasedo: Fine. Go have your little reunion. If I have to kill people, I kill people. Pierce is dangerous. You all still need me if you expect to survive him. Tess: You're really scared of Pierce, aren't you? More than the others. Nasedo: He's smarter. He's closer to the four of you than anyone's ever been. (At an undisclosed location. Someone is watching a video of Isabel and Michael in Michael's apartment supposedly taken with the hidden surveillance camera.) Isabel: That would mean that each of us has this information in some part of us we're just not conscious of. Michael: Or Liz is getting the messages from somewhere or someone else. Isabel: Nasedo? (Tape rewinds.) Michael: ...messages from somewhere or someone else. Isabel: Nasedo? (Credits.) (In the desert, Max Michael and Isabel are looking through the alien book.) Michael: You knew about this all along. Max: Liz and I saw Tess take it from the library. Isabel: It's some kind of strange language. Michael: Why would you keep something like this from us? Isabel: Oh my god! Max: What? Isabel: This is me! Michael: It's all of us. Isabel: How did they know what we would look like? Michael: 'Cause we were designed. Max: That's impossible, Michael. Michael: Whether you want to face it or not, we weren't born, we were engineered. Max: Do you understand what you're saying? What that means we are? I won't believe that. Isabel: I think he's right. I mean, we're paired just like in the pods. Max and Tess, me and Michael. Max: No, I belong with Liz. Michael: Not according to this. Isabel: All that stuff Tess was talking about: signals and destiny, that's what this is. You and me and the baby, that what this is. Max: The what? Michael: Isabel thinks she's having a kid. Max: Yours? Now who's keeping things from who? Isabel: It's not what you think. We were never really together. It all happened in those dreams we were having. Max: You can't get pregnant from a dream. Isabel: How do you know? We don't know how we get pregnant. All I know is that something is happening inside of my body, and we don't know what it is. Michael: I'm going to Tess. She's the one person who could tell us what the hell is going on. Max: No. You can't just go asking her things. We can't trust her any more than we can trust Nasedo. Michael: They may be the only ones who can help us. Max. Max: I'll go. Look at the pictures. If she is going to talk to anyone, it'll be me. Isabel: I thought you just said we can't trust her. Max: Who said anything about trusting her? Isabel: What are you saying? Max: I'm going to get her to tell me what's happening to you no matter what. (In a hallway at school.) Tess: I had a feeling one of you would come. I'm glad it was you. Max: Michael said you wanted us to trust you, so here I am. Tess: What changed your mind? Max: (He shows her the alien book.) I want to know what's in it. I want to know everything. Tess: Are you sure? Max: I've thought about it. I'm ready. Tess: Let's go somewhere. (In Sheriff Valenti's office.) Deputy: Here's that file you wanted. Sheriff: Anything interesting? Deputy: Checks out, Sheriff. Edward M Harding, civilian consultant, transferred here from Ft. McClellan near Birmingham, AL. Before that, US Army Material Command in Alexandria, VA. Divorced, one child. Fisher: Sheriff? Sheriff: Can I help you? Fisher: Uuh, Deputy Fisher. You requested me. Sheriff: Come again? Fisher: Deputy Dave Fisher. Sent down from Santa Fe. Uuh, took me off traffic violations, told me you needed more bodies. Sheriff: I requested an extra man about six months ago; they said they didn't have any money in the budget. Fisher: I guess they found some. Sheriff: Listen, Deputy, I think I've got the traffic around here pretty much under control, so why don't you scoot on back to Santa Fe? Fisher: With all due respect sir, I do have my orders. And I just put a deposit down on an apartment this morning, they've already outfitted me and... Sheriff: All right, all right. We'll straighten this out later. Fisher: Thank you. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help you? Sheriff: Yeah. Coffee's been getting that metallic taste lately. Maybe you could wash out the pot. Fisher: Yes sir. Thank you. Sheriff: Get Santa Fe on the phone. He'd better be who he says he is. (In the kitchen at the Crashdown.) Isabel: What if Max doesn't find anything out, or he does and it's than we thought? Michael: Let' not go there until we know something. Isabel: Oh god, Michael, I'm so scared. Michael: You have Max, and you have me. Isabel: I don't even know who you are anymore. I mean, are you my brother or my mate? I can't forget that dream, can you? You were so happy Michael. I've never seen you that happy. Michael: Well, I've never been that happy before. (Maria overhears.) Isabel: Is that what you want? Michael: I don't know. Isabel: Well, what is this going to do to everyone else: You and Maria, me and Alex? Michael: Let's not think about that right now. I just want you to know that I'm not going to let you go through this alone. It's my baby too. Maybe this is the way things are meant to be. 'K? (On the street, Nasedo disguised as Mr. Harding slips into an alley and is followed by a guy in a suit.) Nasedo: I was hoping it would be one of you. I need to send a message to Agent Pierce. (He kills the agent.) (In the desert.) Tess: I know it must have been a surprise finding out about me. Max: We knew there was someone out there, but we thought it was Nasedo. So you do know him, then. Tess: He was there when I came out of the pod, and he's taken care of me ever since. Max: So he's our father? Tess: Not really, Max. Max: Then who is he? Tess: I don't even know. I've been with him for ten years but everywhere we go, he changes into somebody different. Max: Why? Tess: Because we can't get caught. That's how we've survived. Max: Why can he shape shift and we can't? Tess: Because he doesn't have a human body like us, Max. He needs to hide who he really is. Max: What does he really look like? Tess: He's never let me see. Never lets me close to him at all. Max: He's all you've ever had? Tess: Yeah. Max: That must have been hard. Tess: It's been really lonely. He doesn't have a human side at all. Max: I don't know what it would have been like for me if I didn't have Michael and Isabel. Tess: But it's ok, 'cause I found you. I mean all of you. Max: The pictures in the book. The four of us, what do they mean? Tess: You know what they mean, you feel it. Max: I know I'm drawn to you. But I don't ... I don't know you. Tess: But you do, because we're the same. You knew me before you met me. Max: What about the dreams? Tess: You're having dreams? Max: Sometimes. Tess: About you and me? Max: If we were together in a dream, does that mean... is that how we... mate? Tess: No. We have to do it the human way. I hope that doesn't disappoint you. The dreams are to awaken us, to show us how it's meant to be. Do you understand? Max: I think I do. (At the Crashdown. Nasedo in the guise of Max comes in. NOTE: Nasedo remains Max for the rest of the episode.) Nasedo: Liz, let's go. Liz: Max. What's going on? Nasedo: I'll tell you later. I'll tell you everything. But we've got to go, now. Liz: Max, I'm just about to start my shift. Nasedo: This is important. Liz: Ok. Well, I guess... I guess I could leave for just a little while, let me just go tell Maria. Nasedo: No. Don't. I'm tired of reporting to everybody. It's always been the six of us no matter what we do. This time I want it to be just me and you. We need this, Liz. Liz: 'K. (Maria watches them leave. Max pulls up across the street in the jeep with Tess.) Max: I have a lot to think about. Tess: Take your time. I'm here for you. (On the other side of the road.) Liz: What's up with the jeep. Nasedo: Transmission needs some work so they gave me this rental. Liz: Where are we going? Nasedo: It's a surprise. (They drive off down the road.) Liz: So tell me. Nasedo: Tell you what? Liz: Tell me everything. Isn't that what you said you were going to tell me? Nasedo: I just wanted you to know, Liz, that nobody will ever come between us. Nobody. Liz: Tell me something I don't know. (She kisses him.) Nasedo: Well, if you keep that up, I'm going to have to pull over. Liz: Is that a threat, or is that a promise? (They pull of the road, and kiss. Liz gets a flash of black and white, desert, lightening, a dead woman... She breaks the kiss.) Nasedo: What? Liz: Nothing. (Behind the Crashdown.) Maria: Hey. Look, I heard something, and I gotta ask you about it, and I hope that the answer is some alien thing, 'cause I can't imagine any other explanation that you could give... Michael: What are you talking about? Maria: The baby, Michael. Michael: I can't talk about that. Maria: Wait. You owe me an explanation, Michael. Michael: It's not what you think. Maria: Ok. I thought that you and Isabel were brother and sister. I mean, isn't that what you've always said? Now suddenly, you're sleeping together? Michael: No, we're not sleeping together. Maria: Really. Then how is there a baby? Michael: I don't know. Maria: How do you not know? Michael: I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I mean I don't know what the hell it means; I don't know what I'm feeling... Maria: Wait a minute. Feeling? Now you have feelings for her? Michael: Maria, this isn't about you or me or our stupid relationship. This is about Isabel. Something is happening to her, and that's all I care about. (Inside the Crashdown.) Alex: So, I heard you have a situation. Isabel: Who told you? Alex: Maria. Isabel: Maria knows? Alex: Look, I just want you to know that if you're having trouble dealing with it, I'm here. Isabel: Alex, you have no idea what's going on. Alex: Does Michael love you? Isabel: It's not that simple. Alex: It should be. Isabel: Alex, would you stop! We're not dealing with some troubled teen pregnancy, ok? We're talking about alien babies. Alex: Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I've known that from the start? That if I decided to go forward with this that things might get weird. Look, you said that you were ready for a relationship. Whatever's going on now, I know that you meant it. I know that it was real. Isabel: It was. It was real. Alex: I'll be here when you need me. (At Sheriff Valenti's office. Deputy Fisher is going through the Sheriff's file cabinet.) Sheriff: What the hell are you doing, Deputy? Fisher: Working the files... Sheriff: That's private. Fisher: I was just organizing them, sir. Color-coding them. Sheriff: Your commanding officer in Santa Fe said that you're a bit of an overachiever. Listen, kid, from now on, just do as you're asked. Nothing more. Fisher: Yes sir. Look Sheriff, I know you don't really want me around here, but I can prove to you... Sheriff: You don't have to prove anything. Fisher: Just like my father used to say. Sheriff: Well, I'm not your father. Fisher: I know, sir, but he was a sheriff, too. Sheriff: Oh yeah? Where abouts? Fisher: Las Vegas. Sheriff: Tough job. Corruption, casinos... Fisher: No, no, no. Las Vegas, New Mexico. But anyway, my daddy, he's gone now. He died in the line of duty. But umm... Sheriff: Sorry. Fisher: No. He always used to tell me, 'Son, you got nothing to prove.' But he was wrong. A father sets a fine example like that for his son, it's only right he should try to live up to it. Sheriff: I suppose. Fisher: That your boy? Sheriff: Yeah. Fisher: He got any interest in the badge? Sheriff: No. Fisher: That's a shame. Sheriff: You know, you did such a great job on that coffee pot, how'd you like to work on my truck? Fisher: I'll get right on this, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Crashdown. Michael puts a glass of milk in front of Isabel.) Michael: Calcium. Isabel: Michael, this can't be. Michael: I know. But why not? (Max comes in and sits down.) Max: Isabel, you're not pregnant. Isabel: Are you sure? Max: Tess says the dreams are just to guide us in our destinies. She says the constellations have aligned and awakened our biological drives but the usual methods still apply. You can't get pregnant from a dream. It's good news right? Isabel: Yeah. Michael: Really good news. What about this destiny thing? I mean are we still meant to pair up? You and Tess, me and Isabel? Max: That's our choice. Michael. Michael: I saw the book, Max, I'm not sure we have much to say about it. Max: We control our own lives. I won't let any book tell me what to do. Isabel: Well at least it's all over for now, right? Michael: Yeah. Umm, I got someone to talk to. (To Maria.) False alarm, no baby. Maria: Is Isabel all right? Michael: Yeah. Maria: Thank god. Michael: Listen, that thing I said about our relationship being stupid, I didn't mean it. Maria: Well, then, you shouldn't have said it. Max: What, so everyone knows, even Liz? Maria: You didn't tell Liz? Max: I haven't seen her since this morning. Maria: What are you talking about? You picked her up an hour ago. I saw you guys leave. Max: I didn't pick her up. I just got here. Maria: Max, I saw you. (Going down the road.) Liz: So, uhh, how... how long are we going to be gone, anyway? Nasedo: How long do you want to be gone? Liz: I really shouldn't miss too much more of my shift. Nasedo: That's the least of our worries. Liz: Did Tess do something to you? (They pull over. Nasedo goes to the trunk as Liz's phone rings.) Liz: Hello? Max: Liz, it's me. Liz: Who is this? Max: It's me, Max. I don't know who you're with, but we're at the CrashDown. Tell us where you are. Liz? Liz? (Nasedo takes the phone from her and listens in.) Liz are you there? It's Max. (He hangs up.) Nasedo: Now you know. (He's dumped the body of the agent he killed earlier on the side of the road. They drive off.) (Outside the Crashdown.) Maria: I can't believe this. I can't believe Nasedo has her. Max: We've got to find out where they are. Alex: How are we going to do that? Max: We've got to go to Valenti. Michael: And tell him what? There's two Maxes. The good one's right here, but please help us catch his evil twin. Alex: That's not what he means. Michael: Then what are we going to say? Max: I don't care what we say. Liz's life is at stake. Valenti is the only one with the resources. He could put out and APB, he can contact other towns. Isabel: If we tell him, he'll know everything. Max: I don't care anymore. Michael: You can't make this decision by yourself, Max. Not this time. Isabel: We all have to agree. Max: Since when? Weren't you the one who went off with Topolski by yourself? Liz's life is in danger, and suddenly we've got rules. Michael: No, there's always been rules: Tell no one. You're the one who broke that. You're not going to do that again. Maria: Wait, wait, maybe we don't. Ok look, as far as Valenti knows, there's only one Max. That's you. So as far as he knows, you've taken Liz. (At Valenti's office.) Sheriff: What do you mean he's taken Liz? Maria: Well, at first she wanted to go with him, thinking it was like a romantic getaway. Alex: Yeah, but then he started getting strange. You know, at least that's what she said when she called us. Maria: Yeah. She said that... that he was scaring her and that she wanted to go home but he wouldn't let her. Alex: It's like he's kidnapped her or something. Maria: Sheriff, I'm really scared. I mean, you know I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. (Going down the road. Nasedo is talking into Liz's phone.) Nasedo: Hello. FBI? Yes, Agent Pierce, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know there's no Agent Pierce. Just let him know that I left him a little clue on Highway 380 to Hondo. Near mile marker 67. Liz: Are you going to kill me, too? Nasedo: Not as long as I still need you. Liz: Do you have to be Max? Nasedo: Oh, I like it. Being him. Being 17. I don't think you'd have been as friendly to Ed Harding. Liz: That was you? Nasedo: I've been a lot of different people you don't even know about. But right now, Max Evans is my most important role. Liz: Why? Nasedo: Because I'm the bait. Pierce is looking for Max, and I'm going to draw him to me. Liz: So why do you even need me? Nasedo: You're my collateral, my hostage. Liz: What kind of hostage am I? Pierce would just kill me. Nasedo: Oh, there's a thought. Actually, he wouldn't. See, he knows what Max did to you at the CrashDown that day. He wants you alive. You see, he need answers. You could come in extremely handy in terms of my survival, and even if you don't, you've been fantastic company. Time to leave another clue. (They drive into a gas station. Nasedo leaves a silver handprint on one pump, and causes another one to explode as they drive away.) (On the street in Roswell. Michael grabs Tess by the arm.) Tess: Michael! Michael: What's going on? Tess: What are you talking about? Michael: You know what I'm talking about. Nasedo has Liz. Tess: I didn't know. Michael: The hell you didn't. You want us to trust you, but how can we if you don't tell us what you know. Tess: I can't tell you what I don't know. Michael: Hey, Valenti is involved now. If this thing goes the wrong way, he'll know everything, and that puts us all in danger, including you. Now, get in the jeep. Tess: Michael, you don't know who you're dealing with. Michael: No, but you do, and that's why you're coming with us. (At Sheriff Valenti's office.) Sheriff: (on the phone) Right. Fisher: Sir, there's a report on line three, says a young couple was spotted at a gas station. There was a freak accident, a tank exploded. And they found some kind of weird silver handprint. They're faxing over security cam pictures. Sheriff: Where was this? Fisher: 380 West, just outside of Hondo. Hey, Sheriff, do you need me to come along with you? Sheriff: Nope. That won't be necessary, Deputy. Fisher: Ok, sir. Sheriff: You wait here for the security cam pictures to come through. Fisher: Yes sir. (The sheriff drives off, and the jeep speeds after him.) Whoa, wait, slow down. Where are you going in such a hurry? Max: Nowhere, officer. I'm really sorry. Fisher: Well, I think you're just going to have to learn to slow down. Isabel: You know, you're so right, officer. And we promise never to do it again. Fisher: Good enough, this time. But I'll be watching. (In Valenti's office, Deputy Fisher looks at the fax picture of Nasedo and Liz.) (At a carnival, Liz and Nasedo are at a booth.) Nasedo: Where's the pea? Pick one. Pick one. Don't believe everything you see. Liz: What are we doing here? Nasedo: We're waiting for Pierce to connect the dots. Liz: And when he gets here, what are you going to do to him? You know, and then you won't need me anymore, right? God, don't you think Max is already on his way to find me? Nasedo: Now why would he be doing that? Liz: Because he cares about me. But you don't understand that, do you? You... you don't care about anyone. Max: All I care about is protecting them. No one else matters. (On the road, Valenti pulls up to where a couple of agents are collecting the dead body.) Sheriff: What's going on here? Agent: We have it under control, Sheriff. (A little further back down the road.) Tess: You can't deny this, any of you. It's our destiny. It's what we were planned for. Even if you don't want to believe me, you can't hide from the truth. Max: It's not about the four of us right now, it's about Liz. Tess: Liz is human. She has nothing to do with us. Max: No, you have nothing to do with us. Tess: Michael, is that what you think? Isabel? (Back at the dead body.) Sheriff: This is my county. I demand to know what's happening. Agent: Go away Sheriff. This is a matter of national security. Max: Is that them? Is that Liz? Tess: Don't stop. Don't even slow down. It's not her. Those men are from the Special Unit. Just drive. Isabel: How do you know? Tess: I've been running from them all my life and now they're after you, too. Just go. (At the Carnival.) Liz: I don't believe you. Nasedo: It's true, Tess and Max were made to be together. Liz: But you don't even know what Max and I have. You know, ever since he saved my life at the CrashDown, he changed me. We saw into each other's souls. Person at the Carnival: I don't believe in that hokey. There's no such thing as aliens. Nasedo: Time for the final clue. (As Nasedo blasts the person with a light that goes up into the sky, Liz sneaks away.) (At the dead body, Sheriff Valenti and the FBI guy spot the light. Valenti gets into his truck. Max, Michael, Isabel and Tess, who pulled over to wait for Valenti, also spot the light.) Tess: Oh my god, I know what he's doing. He's leading Pierce right to him. Max: And to Liz. Michael: Why? Tess: He wants to kill him. Max: Let's go. Tess: We can't. Max: Yes we can. Tess: Do you have any idea what Pierce would do if he gets a hold of one of us? Max: He's going to get to Liz if we don't get there first. Tess: Nasedo will take care of Pierce. Max: I can't take that chance. I'm not going to let anything happen to Liz. (At the Carnival, Liz isn't very successful at eluding Nasedo. He follows her into a Mirror Maze. Sheriff Valenti spots him going in, and follows him.) Max: This is where the light was coming from. We've got to split up and look for Valenti; he'll lead us to Liz. (Max sees the Sheriff going into the Mirror Maze and follows him in. Now everyone is wandering around in the maze. They can see each other in the mirrors, but don't try to communicate until Max comes face to face with Nasedo.) Nasedo: What are you doing? Get out of here. Max: Where's Liz? Nasedo: Pierce doesn't care about her; he only wants me. Max: He wants her, too. He wants all of us. I'm not leaving without her. Nasedo: I won't let him take you. Liz: Max! Max: Liz. (A glass wall separates them.) Get out of here. Liz: Not without you. Max! Behind you! (Two FBI guys are in the mirrors behind him. He runs off. Nasedo appears on Liz's side of the glass.) Nasedo: I've got to get you out of here. (Valenti spots Max in front of him.) Sheriff: Max? Fisher: Right behind you, Sheriff. (Valenti turns, and there's Fisher with his gun drawn on Max, along with the FBI guys. Valenti shoots at the mirrors.) Fisher: Sheriff. Sheriff, it's me, Fisher, what are... (Valenti continues to look for Max. He spots him just as the two FBI guys grab him. Nasedo and Liz appear then and also see Max. They run out of the maze and over to a bus.) Nasedo: Right in here. Liz: Max, are you all right? (She kisses him and gets another black and white flash.) You're not Max. Nasedo: No I'm not. And now I've got to get him back. (Nasedo shape-shifts into a clown and runs into the crowd.) (Liz runs off of the bus, and into Isabel, Michael and Tess.) Liz: Oh god. Isabel: Liz. Liz! Liz: They have Max. They have Max. (Michael hugs her.) (In an all white room with no doors or windows, Max is pacing and banging on the walls.) (In an observation room.) Agent: They want to know when you'd like to start the tests. Fisher: Tomorrow morning. Let him get some sleep. Agent: Yes sir, Agent Pirce. (End of Episode.)
Plan: A: Harding; Q: Who finds the video camera hidden in his house? A: Valenti; Q: Who does Harding give the video camera to? A: his safety; Q: What does Harding tell Max depends on Max's willingness to share information? A: Isabel; Q: Who realizes that she and Michael are not brothers when they start having dreams about each other? A: Michael; Q: Who does Isabel realize is not her brother? Summary: Harding finds the video camera hidden in his house and gives it to Valenti. The lawman then tells Max that his safety depends upon his willingness to share information. Isabel and Michael realize they are not brother and sister when they start having dreams about each other.
MUSIC IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (SFX: PIANO B.G.) JILL: We're running late. Let's get a move on, little lady. SANDY: There's someone at the front door, Mom. (DOOR BELL RINGS) JILL: Show off. Let's go. (DOOR OPENS) POLICE OFFICER: Mrs. Watson? JILL: Yes? POLICE OFFICER: There's been an accident, Ma'am. Your husband... he's been injured. I'm to transport you and your daughter to the hospital. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY (DOOR OPENS) WIFE: Good morning, Captain Watson. WATSON: Good morning, Shirley. SHIRLEY: How'd the recital go last night? WATSON: Well, would it be wrong for me to say that I'm the father of the most talented little girl in the entire world? SHIRLEY: It'd be wrong if you didn't. Still on a diet, or should I put cream in your coffee? WATSON: I ran ten miles yesterday. SHIRLEY: Cream coming right up. (SHIRLEY WALKS O.S.) (DOOR CLOSES) COMPUTER VOICE: (MORPHED) Captain Watson. WATSON: Who's there? COMPUTER VOICE: Before Shirley returns with your coffee... know that we have your wife and daughter. If you want to see them alive again, you will do exactly as I say. (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. OFFICE - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: Look in your briefcase's back compartment. WATSON: Who are you? COMPUTER VOICE: Now, Captain Watson. Plug it in and place it on top of your computer screen. You will go about your day in the usual way. Only you will not leave your office. You will make no attempt to contact anyone. WATSON: Who are you? What do you want!? COMPUTER VOICE: Two million dollars from the Special Operations fund. WATSON: Are you crazy? I can't transfer two million dollars. The system won't allow me to! COMPUTER VOICE: You'll find a way, Captain. Or would you rather I shoot them both right now? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Anyone? And I mean anyone know when the air conditioner's getting fixed? Huh? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? And what are we on? A space ship? Windows should open... KATE: Have you been working out? TONY: All summer long. Thanks for finally noticing. KATE: No, I mean right now, because you're sweating like a pig and it's not very attractive. (SFX: KATE SHRIEKS) MCGEE: Uh... morning, Agent Todd. KATE: McGee, MCGEE: Yeah? KATE: You have two seconds to tell me what you're doing down there. MCGEE: I'm... I'm upgrading the computer network and uh... KATE: Time's up. MCGEE: No, I wasn't looking. I swear. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I wasn't looking.... I wasn't looking... ow! GIBBS: Tony. TONY: Yes, Sir? GIBBS: Did I just see what I thought I saw? TONY: Out of respect for my co-workers, boss, I'd have to say... yes, you did. And it's very disturbing. GIBBS: I agree. Put your damn shirt back on. This is a Federal office building, not a gym. Damn, McGee. Why are you still here? MCGEE: Uh... the contractors - they won't wire the network until the air conditioning's fixed. It's a union thing so... GIBBS: So you decided it's more important for an NCIS Special Agent to crawl around all day by yourself? TONY: Man asked you a question. MCGEE: I just wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk. GIBBS: Yeah? You have any idea where thinking like this is gonna lead you? TONY: Yeah, do you, McGee? GIBBS: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony here. Looks like he can use the workout. MCGEE: It's not that difficult. So I guess I could do it myself. TONY: Good answer. KATE: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today. (INTO PHONE) Agent Todd? MCGEE: I didn't look. TONY: Oh, no. I believe you. I just have a little question that I want to ask you. Is she a panty hose or a thong girl because I'm thinking thong. (KATE PUNCHES TONY) (TONY GRUNTS) KATE: We've got a problem, Gibbs. (GIBBS BANGS HIS PDA ON THE TABLE) GIBBS: I hate this thing. Crap! KATE: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims that her boss is being held hostage by his computer. GIBBS: See? There is a reason I didn't trust these things. Here. Reboot that or something. (TO KATE) Send her up. MCGEE: Reboot it? KATE: Or you can do what we always do. TONY: It's his third one this month. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY SHIRLEY: When I brought him his coffee I heard the computer talking to him. KATE: "You've got mail?" SHIRLEY: No, it was this weird electronic voice, and then it cut off the second I entered the room. Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I can't tell you the rest until you promise that you won't try to contact him. GIBBS: Whatever you're afraid of, Miss Wilkes, we can handle it. SHIRLEY: He slipped this into a stack of folders and he told me to take the rest of the day off. GIBBS: Forget your glasses, boss? KATE: (READS) Office under electronic surveillance. Can't leave! Jill and Sandy kidnapped. Must transfer two mil to overseas account by eighteen hundred or they die. Contact NCIS. No one else. TONY: Finally someone appreciates us. SHIRLEY: If anything should happen to them... I mean, she's just a little girl, Agent Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: The Watson's live in McLean. There's no answer at home and their daughter Sandy didn't show up to school this morning. It says here she's blind. GIBBS: Tony? TONY: I can confirm he's the comptroller for J-SOC. Office is in the A-ring of the Pentagon. I'm pulling up a schematic now. KATE: J-SOC? TONY: Joint Special Operations Command. They fund S.M.U. S.M.U. stands for... KATE: Special Military Units. I worked with a few of them when I was Secret Service. So he can really transfer this kind of money overseas? GIBBS: More if he needs to. TONY: Our bad buy would have to pass through five security checkpoints to get to Watson's office. KATE: Well, the Pentagon records all access. GIBBS: There's twenty five thousand people working there, Kate. TONY: By the time we're done downloading that list, the Government's out two million dollars. GIBBS: Or Watson's family's dead. KATE: Well, it has to be somebody on the inside. The Pentagon is the most secure building in the world. MCGEE: They could be using a Trojan. She said that they were using his computer. A Trojan would give them back door access. TONY: You kiss your mother with that mouth, McGee? MCGEE: No, Tony. A Trojan is a program. It's like a virus that establishes a gateway into a computer and allows a hacker to control the system. KATE: It still doesn't explain how it got into his machine. MCGEE: Well, if they're good they could have done it from anywhere. They wouldn't even have to set foot in the building. TONY: How are they watching him then? MCGEE: Could be using a web cam. GIBBS: Or they're lying. Kate, take McGee and search the Watson's house. DiNozzo, I want everything there is on Watson and his family by the time I get back. TONY: Where are you going, boss? GIBBS: To talk to Captain Watson. KATE: Wait, Gibbs, if they're watching him and you show up... GIBBS: I'd better make sure they don't notice me. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) KATE: That is not a good call. GIBBS: Relax. You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PENTAGON HALLWAY - DAY SERGEANT: (V.O.) Morning, Gunny. GIBBS: Good morning, Staff Sergeant. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: Moving those dollars around, Captain? WATSON: I'm trying. The only way I can stay under the radar is to not make a withdrawal that exceeds ten thousand dollars from any single operational budget. (KNOCK ON DOOR) COMPUTER VOICE: What's that? WATSON: Oh, this is an office. People are going to be dropping by request forms all day long. COMPUTER VOICE: Not today. Send them away. WATSON: If I keep doing that, they're going to get suspicious. COMPUTER VOICE: Okay, but just don't forget what's at stake here, Captain. WATSON: I won't... you b*st*rd. Enter. (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Sorry to have missed the budget meeting yesterday, Sir. You know how the Colonel gets when he's sick. WATSON: How's he doing, Gunny? GIBBS: Better, Sir. Thank you. He wanted me to check with you, see if you needed any extra help down here. WATSON: Tell him I appreciate it, but we've got things covered. GIBBS: Roger that, Sir. The latest batch of requests for you. The most immediate priorities on top. This must be that daughter you're always talking about. She is a beauty, Sir. WATSON: She is that, Gunny. She is that. GIBBS: If you change your mind, Sir, all you have to do is call. We have plenty of people willing to help you, Sir. WATSON: I will Gunny, thank you. GIBBS: You have a nice day, Sir. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) WATSON: He's gone. COMPUTER VOICE: He was right about one thing. She is a little beauty. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DARK ROOM - ON MONITOR SANDY: Who... who's there? COMPUTER VOICE: Shhhh. (SFX: SANDY SHOUTS) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. CAR - PARKED MCGEE: Well no signs of anyone observing the place. KATE: Let's roll. (CAR DOOR OPENS/CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE - DAY KATE: She either left in a hurry or was forced to. MCGEE: What makes you think she didn't just leave it there? KATE: Because she's a little girl, McGee. They're not typically slobs. MCGEE: Remind me to introduce you to my little sister. KATE: What was that?! MCGEE: Nothing, Agent Todd. (SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS) KATE: Are you still pushing to be a full-time field agent? MCGEE: Very much so. KATE: Well, we need to get in. Suggestions? MCGEE: Uh... last time I encountered a situation like this... Tony threw a rock through the window. KATE: Yet another glaring difference between boys and girls. Follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: He was right about one thing. She is a little beauty. ABBY: Okay, Gibbs. Your mike is coming in loud and clear. Who's in the office with him? The devil? TONY: Hey. You know, considering that no one in this room is actually deaf, that is really annoying. (GIBBS AND ABBY SIGN) TONY: Hey, that was about me, wasn't it? GIBBS: Patch in the video, Abs. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) ABBY: It's not a very flattering angle. GIBBS: Well, it's the best I could do. What can you tell me about the voice? ABBY: It sounds like this particle physicist I used to date. He had these tiny little Chiclet-like teeth and an Eiffel tower tat on his... GIBBS: You want this, Abby, or not? ABBY: Okay, obviously it's being disguised. I think I can filter it back to its original state. COMPUTER VOICE: (FAST FORWARD) She is a little beauty. She is a little beauty. TONY: Yeah, okay. I'll get that A.P.B. out on the Lollipop Guild right away. ABBY: Patience, Tony. COMPUTER VOICE: (SLOW MOTION) Little beauty. A little beauty. (UNFILTERED) He was right about one thing. She is a little beauty. ABBY: Pretty cool, huh? GIBBS: Not bad. ABBY: Thank you. GIBBS: Next thing I want you to do is hack into Watson's computer. It's the only link we have to the kidnapper. ABBY: Gibbs, we are talking about the Pentagon here. Even their encryptions have encryptions. GIBBS: Yeah? That dirt bag sure managed it. ABBY: It probably took him months! Our best bet is to ask the D.O.D. for access to their system. GIBBS: First thing they'll do is disconnect the connection. If that happens we'll end up with two dead dependents. ABBY: I don't know if I can do it. GIBBS: DiNozzo, get McGee on the hook. ABBY: No! I'll get in. GIBBS: Yeah. ABBY: Yeah. GIBBS: I believe you. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) TONY: Relax. When's the last time Gibbs was wrong? Discounting the whole marriage thing, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WATSON'S HOUSE - DAY KATE: Okay. McGee, hold me steady! MCGEE: All right. KATE: Okay, go left. No, my left. Your right! McGee, what are you doing? MCGEE: I'm doing what you're telling me to do. KATE: Are your eyes closed? MCGEE: Yes! KATE: Well then open them before you kill us! MCGEE: But this morning you... KATE: McGee, can't you tell when somebody's kidding with you? MCGEE: I used to and then I met you guys. KATE: Do you want to work with Gibbs? Then you're going to have to get over that. Trust me, I know. MCGEE: Eyes open it is. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: DiNozzo, I need a way to communicate with Captain Watson. TONY: Communication part's solved, boss. Earwig radio receiver. Used 'em all the time for undercover work back in Baltimore. GIBBS: How do we get it in his ear? TONY: Did I also mention there's one tiny flaw in my plan? GIBBS: DiNozzo, I show back up there as a Gunny, our guy's going to get suspicious. TONY: Well, you think I can pass for a Marine? GIBBS: I don't know. Let's shave your head and find out. TONY: Actually, I was leaning more towards Merchant Marine kind of thing. GIBBS: I've got a better idea. Don't eat that. No, no! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (SFX: KATE PLAYS PIANO KEYS) MCGEE: Well, no signs of forced entry or a struggle. KATE: They could have been taken at gunpoint. MCGEE: Well, it's possible but I don't think so. KATE: Why is that? MCGEE: Well, why go to the trouble of locking the front door behind you? KATE: Not bad, McGee. Tony hasn't completely ruined you yet. Their daughter must be quite the pianist. Beautiful, too. There's nothing here. We're wasting our time. Let's go. Uh uh. I use the door. You lock it and go back out the window. MCGEE: I get it, you're kidding, right? (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - DAY (SFX: MCGEE SLIPS ON THE ROOF TILES AND SLIDES) MCGEE: Whoa! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE COMPUTER VOICE: Five hours left, Captain. Ring the tote. WATSON: I've managed to isolate nine hundred thousand. COMPUTER VOICE: I'd move faster if I was you. (KNOCK ON DOOR) COMPUTER VOICE: You're learning. You may answer. WATSON: Enter! (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Hey, Captain. You got your sweet and sour with extra pineapple. I figured you might want to change your order tomorrow. I hear we're getting in some fresh duck.(DOOR CLOSES) WATSON: I'll just stick with the usual. TONY: All right. Eight seventy five today. How's the family doing? WATSON: Fine. You? TONY: Still having trouble communicating with the girlfriend. I talk... she doesn't listen. What are you going to do? (SFX: TONY GRUNTS) WATSON: Oh, yeah. Sure. For you. GIBBS: Thanks, Captain. See you tomorrow. (DOOR CLOSES) COMPUTER VOICE: Freeze! Open your lunch. Show it to the camera. Now! (CHUCKLES) Enjoy. (WATSON THROWS THE FOOD IN THE TRASH) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY TONY: Delivery complete. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: That's good work, Tony. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Thanks, Boss. That means a lot. GIBBS: If NCIS doesn't work out, I hear General Lee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring. (TO ABBY) Abs, get the Captain up on the feed. ABBY: All right. You're in. GIBBS: This is Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. If you can hear me cough once, Captain. (SFX: WATSON COUGHS B.G.) GIBBS: We are changing the game plan, Skipper. When he contacts you again, tell him you want a good faith gesture on his part. Tell him that you want your daughter returned now. Tell him if you don't get her back you're going to take your chances with the FBI. He'll try to intimidate you, we have to call his bluff. Rub your brow if you have the courage to go this route. You are not alone, Captain. We're going to get through this together. I will be in touch. Okay, I want these feeds hardwired into M-TAC. (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ABBY: Done. GIBBS: We inside his computer yet? ABBY: Oh, um... I think I'm... GIBBS: Need help? ABBY: Yeah. GIBBS: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once. ABBY: Who? GIBBS: You. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: The car is still in the driveway. No signs of a struggle inside. I think they may have known their kidnapper. GIBBS: Or been duped. KATE: Well, it looks like you and Tony have been making some progress. GIBBS: Not enough. COMPUTER VOICE: Time to update, Captain. WATSON: I'm doing my best. COMPUTER VOICE: Just make your deadline. (HANGS UP PHONE) GIBBS: McGee, help Abby get into Watson's computer. (TO TONY) Hey, come one. Let's go. KATE: A little short on deodorant today, Tony? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY WATSON: (ON TV) I've isolated nearly one point three million. (ON CAMERA) Now I want a gesture of good faith from you. COMPUTER VOICE: What kind of gesture, Captain? WATSON: I want you to release my daughter immediately. COMPUTER VOICE: Not going to happen. WATSON: Why? Because they're already dead? How do I know that's not just a tape!? You listen to me. You let Sandy go right now or it's over. I'm going to the FBI. COMPUTER VOICE: You'd never forgive yourself, you know. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) This is the hard part, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Don't back down. Tell him you want to talk to your daughter. WATSON: (V.O./FILTERED) I want to speak to her! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY WATSON: Right now! (HOODED MAN AND SANDY APPEAR ON MONITOR) COMPUTER VOICE: (ON MONITOR) Plays the piano. Gifted, I hear. You don't need eyes to play the piano.... but you sure as hell need ears! (SANDY SCREAMS) WATSON: (SHOUTS) Sandy! COMPUTER VOICE: (ON MONITOR) One little tap. Monaural. Then the other ear, pop! Total silence and darkness forever.(SANDY CRIES B.G.) KATE: We can't risk that. GIBBS: He's bluffing. Stand your ground. Tell him if he does, that he'll never see a penny. KATE: Gibbs... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE WATSON: Let her go unharmed or I swear you'll never see a dime. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DARK ROOM - DAY KYLE GRAYSON: You know, I never was any good at taking orders, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY WATSON: (ON MONITOR) I screwed up. I screwed it all up. GIBBS: It's only been forty minutes, Captain. He will contact you soon. Until then you have to stay strong. It's our best chance of getting your family back. (TO KATE) You got something to say? KATE: We're taking a really big risk here, Gibbs. GIBBS: Yeah, Kate? What happens to the little girl and her mother once this dirt bag gets the money? KATE: What, you think he'll kill them? GIBBS: You're the profiler. You tell me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) COMPUTER VOICE: Answer your phone, Captain. WATSON: Where is she? Where's my daughter! COMPUTER VOICE: I said answer the phone, Captain! WATSON: (INTO PHONE) Yes? SANDY: (V.O./FILTERED) Daddy?! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY WATSON: (ON MONITOR) Sandy! (V.O.) Sweetheart, where are you? SANDY: (V.O.) I don't know. He let me go, but he said, he said he'll kill Mom if I tell anyone what happened! WATSON: (ON MONITOR) Tell me where she is. COMPUTER VOICE: Lorton Amtrak station. You got your good faith gesture. Now get back to work. GIBBS: My people are on the way, Captain. Tell her to stay where she is. (TO TONY AND KATE) Go get her. WATSON: (ON MONITOR) Sandy, sweetheart, just stay right there. Don't... don't go anywhere. And Daddy... Daddy will be there to get you in just a little while.(SFX: SANDY CRIES B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: Hang up the phone now, Captain! And believe me when I say your wife's life depends on it. WATSON: I have to hang up now, baby. And listen... I want you to be brave for me, okay? This will be over before you know it. SANDY: (V.O./CRYING) Daddy, help me! WATSON: God forgive me. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY SANDY: (CRIES INTO PHONE) Daddy? Daddy? (SFX: TRAIN HORN SOUNDS LOUDLY) (CUT TO BLACK) MUSIC IN: INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC AND COMPUTER BEEP TONES B.G.) ABBY: Face it, McGee. We are doomed. MCGEE: Okay, we can try random password gener-- ABBY: Did it. MCGEE: How about an open port scan? ABBY: Done it. MCGEE: Oh, there's undocumented hole in the latest I.S.I-- ABBY: Tried it. MCGEE: Gibbs can't honestly expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon? ABBY: Yeah. MCGEE: You're right. We are doomed. ABBY: We have to call D.O.D. and hope they'll let us in without severing the connection. MCGEE: Unless... what if the Trojan isn't system wide? If it was, our bad guy...: ABBY: Could just steal the money himself. He wouldn't need... MCGEE: Watson to do it for him. That means that he can't access the rest of the network. ABBY: We've been trying to hack the wrong place! MCGEE: Yeah. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) MCGEE: All right, scan for an open U-D-P and T-C-P connections on the J-SOC V-P-N. Yes! Yes! Got multiple incoming packets. Ports one-three-nine, four-four-five. Looks like a variant of the doomsday Trojan. (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONE) ABBY: I love it when you talk geek. MCGEE: I love it that you love it. GIBBS: I'll be sure to mention that to Captain Watson right after we're done burying his family. ABBY: I would hold off on those funeral arrangements, Gibbs. The reason we're so excited... GIBBS: We just hacked Captain Watson's computer. ABBY: And we should be able to back trace the connection... (SFX: SPARKS B.G.) ABBY: No! No! No! No! No! Ah!(SFX: RAPID COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ABBY: My baby just french fried. MCGEE: The system's overheated. GIBBS: So? Reboot it. ABBY: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting. GIBBS: Works for me. ABBY: Even if it does, it's going to take at least an hour for mine to cool down. MCGEE: And without air conditioning, it'll happen again. GIBBS: So take it someplace cooler. ABBY: Where? This whole building is like an illegal sweatshop. GIBBS: Not the whole building, Abs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: May I trouble you for the left ear, Mister Palmer? PALMER: Ah, one left ear coming right up. DUCKY: When is the DNA analysis coming back on the right toe grouping? PALMER: Oh, should be ten - twelve days. DUCKY: Well, that's interesting. PALMER: What's that, Doctor? DUCKY: Oh, dear. PALMER: It's not the life ear? DUCKY: It's the left! It's just not the right left. So to speak. PALMER: Well that would mean that uh... DUCKY: Three bodies. Time to start another table. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ABBY: Hey, Ducky. My computer died. We need some place cooler to set up shop. DUCKY: Well, we're a bit tight on space at the moment, but you could use one oh seven. (SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN) (SFX: MCGEE GASPS) DUCKY: Definitely not one oh seven. (SFX: DRAWER SLIDES SHUT) (SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN) DUCKY: His family was supposed to make arrangements to pick him up last week. Ah, there we are. How's that? ABBY: Perfect. Thank you. DUCKY: Fascinating, isn't it? Parts of three separate bodies carved up with almost surgical precision. MCGEE: Why? DUCKY: I haven't a clue. Now we found them in a fifty five gallon drum of alcohol behind Bethesda Naval Hospital last month. ABBY: McGee. MCGEE: Yeah? ABBY: We're kind of running short on time. PALMER: Oh, can I give you a hand? GIBBS: No, I'm all right. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. AMTRAK STATION - DAY KATE: When I'm a mother, I'm never letting my kids out of my sight. TONY: Yeah, how do you plan on doing that? KATE: G-P-S locater strapped to the ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes. TONY: No, I mean the part about becoming a mother. KATE: Funny. The area looks clear to me. TONY: Me, too. Let's go get that kid. (SFX: SANDY CRIES B.G.) KATE: Sandy? My name's Kate. TONY: And I'm Tony. We're NCIS agents. That stands for... SANDY: I know what it stands for. They spoke at my school. KATE: Well, then you know that we're here to help you. Your daddy sent us. TONY: We know what happened to you and your mom, but you're safe now. Okay? SANDY: I heard him. KATE: Heard who, honey? SANDY: He didn't know it, but I heard him. He told my mom... he... he ... he's going to make my dad suffer. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY MCGEE: What the hell is it? ABBY: It's probably just some leftover bodily fluid. MCGEE: Oh, is that all. ABBY: Yeah. MCGEE: Disgusting. DUCKY: If you want to be a fulltime field agent, Timothy, you're going to have to get used to sights like that. MCGEE: Is it a common occurrence, Ducky, dismembered bodies in barrels of alcohol? DUCKY: Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol. MCGEE: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. DUCKY: Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom. GIBBS: Hey, what's the hold up? ABBY: We are almost set here. GIBBS: McGee, if I were you... I would spend more time working and less time cleaning. MCGEE: Yes. Yes, Sir. Sorry, boss. GIBBS: Duck, I got a patient upstairs for you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY DUCKY: There you go. Feel better now? SANDY: Yes. Thank you. DUCKY: You've been a very brave patient, so I think you deserve a surprise. SANDY: A Hershey bar? DUCKY: Yes. Are you sure you're blind? SANDY: I can smell it. DUCKY: Oh, I'll be right back then. I need a few moments to talk to my friends. (CAMERA ANGLE ON GIBB'S DESK) TONY: It took him forty five minutes to drop her off. You figure twenty two minutes out, same back. That leaves a fifteen mile radius where he could be located. KATE: Hundreds of square miles and what? We have two hours left. TONY: We also pulled tapes from the train station. We might catch a shot of him dropping the kid off. KATE: Gibbs, it's like a hundred degrees in here. How can you drink that stuff? GIBBS: It keeps me cool. How's she doing, Duck? DUCKY: Remarkably well, considering the circumstances. GIBBS: What does she remember? DUCKY: Unfortunately everything. TONY: Except for where she was. DUCKY: Maybe you haven't asked the right questions. TONY: Well, she's eight and blind, Ducky. I mean, it's not a great help in a situation like... DUCKY: Sandy, are you thirsty? WATSON: A little bit. Can I have some water? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Okay, I'm back in. Initiating a back trace from Watson's computer. How are you doing with the bad guy's on-board encryption?(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) ABBY: It's commercial grade, so consider it cracked... right... now! MCGEE: Yes, team McGee does it again. ABBY: Why team McGee? MCGEE: No offense, I am the Special Agent. He must have switched off the audio. ABBY: Team Abby. I'm the smart one. KYLE GRAYSON: (ON MONITOR/FILTERED) If you want to scream? Scream. No one will hear you at all.(SFX: JILL CRIES B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Sandy, this is really important. Can you tell us anything about the car you were driven in? SANDY: Well, it was a man and there were no windows in back. KATE: How could you tell? SANDY: Because I couldn't feel the sun on my face. GIBBS: What about the place he was keeping you and your mom? Anything unusual about it? SANDY: (CRIES) I don't know. I was real scared. But I could hear him talking to my mom and she was crying and... and he kept on pulling my hair. (SFX: PHONE RINGS B.G.) KATE: It's okay, Sandy. Just tell us what you remember. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. All right. We're on our way. (TO SANDY) Sandy, I want you to stay here with Doctor Mallard. We have to check-- SANDY: I heard! You can see my mom on your computer now. I hear lots of things other kids can't. Can I help you? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY (SFX: TAPE OF JILL CRYING PLAYS B.G.) KYLE GRAYSON: (V.O./FILTERED) Your husband has less than two hours to make my deadline. ABBY: I'm engaging the audio filters now. There will be a slight delay with picture. KYLE GRAYSON: (V.O./FILTERED) But what he doesn't know... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SMALL ROOM - DAY KYLE GRAYSON: ...Is if he makes it or not... you're never going home. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: Time's running out, Captain. WATSON: Look, I've been able to isolate one point eight million. If I send it now, will you release my wife? COMPUTER VOICE: How about I send you back one point eight of your wife. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: You want me to keep an arm or a leg? GIBBS: Captain, we need more time. You have to stall him. WATSON: (ON MONITOR) It's getting harder to find open accounts. You're going to have to give me more time. COMPUTER VOICE: You have ninety minutes. Make it, your wife lives. If you don't, she dies. It's your call, Captain. GIBBS: Negotiate, Captain. Tell him you need at least three more hours. I repeat, tell him you need another three hours. WATSON: (ON MONITOR) I'll meet your deadline. GIBBS: Oh, damn! (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Good news, boss! I found a shot of our bad guy's vehicle on the train station tapes. The little girl was right. It's a white van with no windows. GIBBS: Did you run the plates? TONY: They came back stolen. GIBBS: And this helps me because, DiNozzo? TONY: I also I.D.ed our dirt bag. I pulled his prints from Sandy's hair thingies. GIBBS: Berets. TONY: Right. He's a former Petty Officer. Name's Kyle Grayson. Did six years in Leavenworth for embezzling government funds. And Captain Watson was responsible for putting him there. GIBBS: (V.O.) Good job. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY KATE: We're going to play some sounds from the room that you were in, Sandy. I think it might help you remember better. SANDY: Can you just play certain Hertz if I want you to? ABBY: Sure, how did you know that? SANDY: From the piano. I know the number of vibrations of every key. Like key number forty-four, E-four, that's three hundred and twenty nine point six-three Hertz. A-five is eight hundred and eighty. My mom says I'm half bat. ABBY: Well, that's cool. I love bats. SANDY: Me, too. I like your voice, Abby. It's kind of gravelly. ABBY: Thank you. All right, are you ready to show off for us? (SFX: KEYBOARDING) KYLE GRAYSON: (ON TAPE) Lorton Amtrak Station. You've got your good faith gesture. Now get back to work. SANDY: There are birds up kind of high. Try a G-seven. The eighty-third key. That's three thousand one hundred and thirty six Hertz. KATE: That is amazing, Sandy. I'll be right back. (TO GIBBS) Gibbs, she's incredible. You've got to see her. GIBBS: I want her listening to the live feed. KATE: Gibbs, she's been traumatized enough. GIBBS: Yeah? How about growing up without a mother, Kate? (TO SANDY) Hey, Sandy. I need you to... SANDY: Listen to the live feed? I want to help my mommy, Agent Gibbs. I can take it. GIBBS: Here. SANDY: What's this? GIBBS: Your very own NCIS badge. You ready? SANDY: Yes. GIBBS: McGee, bring the live feed up on the speakers. (TO SANDY) Sandy, we need to know anything you can tell us about where he is keeping your mom. KYLE GRAYSON: (ON TAPE) When I took this job, I was instructed not to hurt you or the little princess, but your husband cost me six years! JILL: (ON TAPE) Who hired you? KYLE GRAYSON: (ON TAPE) I don't really care. The point is I've decided your husband has to pay for that. JILL: (ON TAPE/CRYING) Why? KYLE GRAYSON: (ON TAPE) No more questions.(SFX: SLAP/ CRYING) SANDY: Go to the area of A-seven. I mean four thousand Hertz. Bring it two keys down. I mean three thousand eight hundred. TONY: Sounds like a train. SANDY: It's getting closer. It's passing right... now. GIBBS: Seventeen-oh-six. What time's the next train scheduled to arrive in Lorton? TONY: I'm on it, boss. GIBBS: Can you remember anything else about the train sounds? SANDY: We drove over a lot of tracks. My mom...she... she squeezed my hand every time. GIBBS: How many times? KYLE GRAYSON: (ON TAPE) Look at me! SANDY: I don't know. A lot. (CRYING) What is he doing to her!? Why is she crying!? GIBBS: You did great. SANDY: Are you going to save my mom now? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. You can count on that. Let's roll. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Hey, the only train in the area is an Amtrak. It left D.C. at sixteen twenty, arrived Lorton seventeen thirty, average speed of sixty five miles an hour. Now, we know it passed our dirt bag at seventeen oh-six, right? So... damn it! I owe Mrs. Powers an apology. MCGEE: Who? TONY: My tenth grade math teacher. I told her I'd never be able to use anything she taught us in real life. MCGEE: It's here. Seven miles outside of Lorton. TONY: There's an abandoned train maintenance yard about a half mile north-- GIBBS: That's the place. McGee, you tell Watson to delay sending the money. MCGEE: Well how? GIBBS: Any way you can. Come on! Let's go! Now! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: Five minutes left. Tell me you have the two million, Captain. WATSON: I have it. COMPUTER VOICE: Stand by to copy the ISP routing number. ISP is C-S-dot-C-N-dot-B-C-N. Read it back to me. WATSON: C-S-dot-C-N-dot-A-C-N. Beijing? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: Very good, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH AS GIBBS DRIVES THROUGH THE STREETS TO THE TRAIN STATION) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/AGENTS APPROACH THE TRAIN CAR) GIBBS: McGee, talk to me. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay he's giving... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB MCGEE: Watson a wire transfer code. Do you have a visual yet? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Negative. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY GIBBS: Tell the Captain he has to stall for more time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM MCGEE: Captain Watson, you have to buy us a few more minutes. I repeat, you have to buy us a few more minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIN STATION MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) He's not listening to me. GIBBS: Tell him the second he transfers that money, his wife is dead. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Captain Watson... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Your wife is going to be murdered-- (SFX: FEEDBACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Ow! Okay, Gibbs. He took out the earwig. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY MCGEE: I've got nothing, boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WATSON'S OFFICE - DAY COMPUTER VOICE: The routing number is A-one-two-one-three-six-six-nine-B-one. Read that back to me. WATSON: A-one-two-one-three-six-six-nine-B-one. COMPUTER VOICE: That's correct. Now make me rich. WATSON: And I have your word you're going to release my wife? COMPUTER VOICE: Yes, my word. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROOM - DAY (SFX: MUFFLED SHOUTS B.G.) KYLE GRAYSON: Now send it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) ABBY: He's sending the money to Asia. If I can tag his transmission with a marker we might be able to follow it. MCGEE: Gibbs, he sent it. I think he's going to shoot her. What do I do? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY GIBBS: Something, McGee! Anything! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAIN CAR - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) This is the FBI, Grayson. We have you surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air. KYLE GRAYSON: What the hell? MCGEE: (V.O.) You didn't really think you'd get away with this? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY (SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) GIBBS: You two inside. I'll cut him off. We take him alive. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAIN CAR - DAY KYLE GRAYSON: Come on, let's go! Come on! Go! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BOXCAR - DAY KATE: Clear. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAIN CAR - DAY KYLE GRAYSON: Move! (SFX: GUNFIRE) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (DOOR OPENS) KYLE GRAYSON: Come on! You come any closer and I'll shoot her! Come out where I can see you! Now! TONY: Just like in Colombia. KATE: You're not getting out of here, Grayson! It's over! KYLE GRAYSON: I know the FBI's S-O-P. I want a cell phone and negotiator now! GIBBS: We're not the FBI, dirt bag. TONY: Drop the weapon! (KYLE GRAYSON PUTS THE GUN ON THE GROUND) (JILL RUNS FROM THE TRAIN CAR) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY WATSON: Everything's going to be all right now, sweetheart, everything. KATE: Kind of makes you think. TONY: About what? KATE: Having kids someday. TONY: Yeah, I don't think I could handle that. WATSON: I don't know how we could ever thank you, Agent Gibbs. JILL: We owe you so much. GIBBS: Thank Special Agent Watson here. We couldn't have done it without her. Thanks. (WATSONS WALK O.S.) KATE: We did good today, Gibbs. GIBBS: Did we, Special Agent Todd? Grayson doesn't have the smarts to be in this alone. We still have to find out who hired him. TONY: Not going to get it from Grayson. KATE: Why not? Get him to roll for a deal. GIBBS: I don't deal. KATE: He doesn't deal? GIBBS: Not when Grayson doesn't know who hired him. MCGEE: (V.O.) This guy's good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY MCGEE: We lost the money for a little while in Hong Kong. ABBY: But McGee's bots picked it up on the transfer to Zurich. MCGEE: And with Abby's' encryption algorithm imbedded in the transaction it's just-- GIBBS: Look, just for a second... just pretend I don't know anything about computers. ABBY: Pretend? GIBBS: Can we get this guy or not? MCGEE: Well, we've been following the money for the last eight hours. And if it transfers into a country where we have juris.... Wait, I don't believe this. GIBBS: What? MCGEE: It's headed back here. ABBY: Washington, D.C. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BANK - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/WATSON WALKS FROM THE BANK TO THE CORRIDOR) GIBBS: Captain Watson? WATSON: Agent Gibbs. This is not what you think. GIBBS: You're right. It wasn't. KATE: You did this to your own family? WATSON: No, nobody was supposed to get hurt. (SFX: TONY CUFFS WATSON) TONY: Is that tight enough for you, Captain? WATSON: I cannot believe this is happening! It was the perfect plan. Even Grayson didn't know who hired him. How the hell did you figure this out? KATE: Next time you might want to send your note to the FBI. WATSON: Look, you've got to understand. I needed the money because... (GIBBS THROWS GRAYSON UP AGAINST THE WALL) GIBBS: Don't you dare tell me that there's a reason for you throwing away what you had. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Your network is up and operational now. So I'll be heading back to Norfolk. (BEAT) I'll take that as a thank you. GIBBS: McGee, where are you going? MCGEE: Uh... Norfolk. GIBBS: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted to a full time field agent. MCGEE: Really?! That's incredible! What'd-- GIBBS: You belong to me now. KATE: Congratulations. TONY: Yeah. What she said. MCGEE: So I'm one of you guys now, right? No more... no more getting coffee. No more hazing. KATE AND TONY: Sure. MCGEE: Right. Uh... well I just want to say uh...that I never took it personal and I really look forward to-- (KATE AND TONY HIT MCGEE IN THE HEAD AND WALK O.S.) TONY: You know, I could really get used to that. (SFX: AIR CONDITIONING VENTS OPEN) (SFX: SIGHS OF RELIEF B.G.) (FADE OUT)
Plan: A: the eight-year-old blind daughter; Q: Who is Sandy? A: Abigail Breslin; Q: Who plays Sandy? A: wife Jill; Q: Who is the wife of David Keith? A: a mysterious hacker; Q: Who kidnaps Sandy and Jill? A: $2 million; Q: How much money was the Navy Captain blackmailed into transferring? A: a unique challenge; Q: What is Gibbs and his team faced with when Sandy and Jill are kidnapped? A: An unexpected twist; Q: What is uncovered when Abby and McGee trace the money? A: Norfolk; Q: Where was Tim McGee transferred from? A: a full-time field agent; Q: What is McGee promoted to after helping Gibbs solve the case? A: the Navy Yard; Q: Where is Tim McGee transferred to after he helps solve the case? A: a permanent member; Q: What does McGee become of Gibbs' team? Summary: When the eight-year-old blind daughter Sandy (played by Abigail Breslin ) and wife Jill of a Navy Captain ( David Keith ) are kidnapped by a mysterious hacker to blackmail him into transferring $2 million in government funds, Gibbs and his team are faced with a unique challenge. An unexpected twist is uncovered when Abby and McGee manage to trace the money. After helping them solve the case, Tim McGee who was on a brief transfer from Norfolk gets a surprise from Gibbs: he is promoted to a full-time field agent and as a result is transferred to the Navy Yard, becoming a permanent member of Gibbs' team in the process.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] (OPEN on Lorelai front porch, night right after the last scene in the previous episode. Richard is standing outside with Lorelai's dollhouse and Lorelai walks out on the porch) LORELAI: What about Rory? RICHARD: I don't like what I see in that girl. LORELAI: My eyes? RICHARD: She's lost focus. She's drifting, aimless. You know she's joined the DAR? LORELAI: I saw the picture in the paper. RICHARD: She's running around, planning tea parties like she's the mad hatter. All she talks about are seating charts and canapes and fund-raisers and that boy. LORELAI: You mean Logan? RICHARD: She's heading in the wrong direction, and I don't like it. Now, I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to a decision. We need a plan. LORELAI: But...(takes a deep breath) We...I had a plan. You changed the plan. Plan's gone, baby. RICHARD: I don't appreciate your tone. LORELAI: Apparently the proper tone went out with the plan. RICHARD: Do you understand what I'm saying? Rory's not headed back to school. LORELAI: Not yet, anyhow. RICHARD: Not yet? Not now, not ever. Listen to me for just a moment. We can fix this. First of all, I can change the terms of Rory's trust fund. Currently, she's set to receive it when she turns twenty-five, but I say we tell her it's contingent on her returning to Yale. LORELAI: Dad... RICHARD: Or we can use the opposite approach, if you think it's better. Maybe we offer her a car or the down payment on a town house. Or I'll buy her the town house. Don't you see? If there's something in it for her, maybe we can get her to change her mind. LORELAI: Thank you for the dollhouse, dad. It's greatly appreciated. RICHARD: I don't believe this. Aren't you listening to me? LORELAI: Uh, no. RICHARD: Lorelai, Rory is turning twenty-one years old in ten days. Do you realize that? LORELAI: Yes, dad, I realize it. RICHARD: She's twenty-one. That's not a child. Twenty-one-year-olds need to be working towards something. LORELAI: Rory will figure it out. RICHARD: Oh, please, she's twenty-one. I couldn't tie my shoe at twenty-one. LORELAI: Well, Rory's advanced. She had the shoe thing down at three. RICHARD: I'm getting a little tired... LORELAI: No, I'm getting a little tired of this conversation. I'm not interested in your plan. I'm not going to bribe my daughter with cars and money, mainly because it wouldn't work, and if you'd ever met Rory, you would know it wouldn't work. Rory can't be bought, and I'm not gonna try and buy her. I want Rory to want to go back to school. She used to love to learn and read and study. And that was freakish, but it was her. And she's got to get herself back there. RICHARD: But... LORELAI: No, when Rory wants help, she will ask for it. And the minute she does, I will fly in faster than the gulfstream I'm sure you're gonna offer to buy her next. But until then, I'm sorry, you're on your own. RICHARD: Impossible girl. LORELAI: My native American name, I believe. (Richard leaves frustrated) OPENING CREDITS (CUT on Lorelai's front porch, same night. Luke is trying to lift the dollhouse as Lorelai stands near by) LORELAI: Unbelievable. He's unbelievable. LUKE: He sure is. How did he lift this thing? LORELAI: Pretending like it's an accident that Rory's still floundering. Nothing's an accident. He caused this. He made this happen. LUKE: It must weigh a thousand pounds. LORELAI: That was a low blow, bringing up Rory's birthday like that. "She's turning twenty-one, Lorelai. Did you know that?". (she scoffs) Of course I know that. I was there when she was turning nothing. I know she's turning twenty-one. LUKE: Does this thing have, like, a real foundation or something? LORELAI: It's just like my parents, you know, to double-cross me then get mad when I won't help them undo the double cross. LUKE: Did he have guys with him? LORELAI: What? LUKE: Guys, to help him lift this thing. LORELAI: No, no guys. LUKE: No guys? Your dad is Hercules. LORELAI: We had plans. LUKE: (grunts as he tries to pick the dollhouse up) What? (Lorelai sits on the porch rail) LORELAI: We were gonna go to Atlantic City. We were gonna sit at a blackjack table at 11:59, we were gonna order martinis, and we were gonna be playing 21 when she turned twenty-one. (Luke walks over to her) And then hopefully we'd win, and we'd take our winnings and we'd buy 21 things. And then there was a thing about 21 guys that wouldn't really be appropriate anymore since the engagement, but it was a good plan. (Luke starts to play with Lorelai's hair in a comforting way) She probably doesn't even remember the plan. LUKE: She remembers the plan. LORELAI: It wasn't like we talked about it every day. It was just something we thought of. LUKE: She remembers the plan. LORELAI: I'm hungry. I'm ordering pizza. (they hug and Luke kisses the top of her head) The top comes off. (Lorelai goes in the house) LUKE: Of course it does. (CUT to Rory's room, night. Rory is lying in bed sleeping and the clock says the time is 4:03 in the morning. Madeleine Albright walks over and kisses the top of her head. Rory wakes up and Madeleine Albright lies in bed with Rory) MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Happy birthday, little girl. RORY: Hey. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I can't believe how fast you're growing up. RORY: Really? Feels slow. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Trust me, it's fast. So, what do you think of your life so far? RORY: I think it's pretty good. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Any complaints? RORY: I'd like that whole humidity thing to go away. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I'll work on that. RORY: So, do I look older? MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Oh, yeah. Walk into Denny's before five, you got yourself a discount. RORY: Good deal. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: So, you know what I think? RORY: What? MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: I think you're a great, cool kid and the best friend a girl could have. RORY: Back at ya. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: And it's so hard to believe that, at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position. RORY: Oh, boy, here we go. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Only I had a fat stomach and huge ankles and I was swearing like a sailor... RORY: ...on leave. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: On leave, right. And there I was... RORY: ...in labour... MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: ...and while there's some who call it the most meaningful experience of their life... RORY: ...you compare it to something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite. MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: Right. RORY: I wonder if the Waltons ever did this. (CUT to Rory and Logan in bed, continuous. Rory wakes up - so obviously she was dreaming. Logan wakes up a bit too) LOGAN: What? RORY: I just had a dream that Madeleine Albright was my mother. LOGAN: Hmm. (Logan falls back to sleep. Rory sighs and follows his lead, looking a bit preoccupied) (CUT to Stars Hollow outside, morning. Lorelai is walking down the street and sees Morey and Babette coming out of the market each of them holding quite a few bags) LORELAI: Hey, there. BABETTE: Oh, hi, sugar. Couldn't see you over the bags. LORELAI: Wow, you got a lot of stuff there. You hunkering down for winter? BABETTE: Nah, we're getting our supplies for our gallows. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, you're gonna hang Morey again? MOREY: Do it every year. LORELAI: You're always the hit of the neighbourhood. BABETTE: So, what about you, honey? What are you gonna do? LORELAI: Oh, you know, the same thing I always do. BABETTE: (disappointed) Oh. Gonna hang caramel apples from the tree again? LORELAI: The kids love 'em. BABETTE: Yeah. They're not that scary. LORELAI: Well, to a diabetic, they're downright terrifying. BABETTE: Huh? Okay. Caramel apples. LORELAI: And I will be handing out candy, which, you know, is the entire point of Halloween. BABETTE: Sure. Sure, honey. Well, we got a lot to do. We got to go. MOREY: No rest for the doomed. BABETTE: See you later. (Babette and Morey start to walk off as Lorelai calls after them) LORELAI: You know, I-I-I bought a haunted house CD to play in the background. (Babette politely laughs a bit and she and Morey walk away, as Lorelai leaves looking a bit pissed) (CUT to pool house, evening. Rory and Logan are making out on the couch. Rory breaks the kiss for a bit) RORY: What time is our reservation? LOGAN: Now. RORY: Oh. It's amazing what happens when you can't find your keys. LOGAN: I think we should order in tonight. RORY: And the purse is down. (Rory throws the Birking bag on the floor and the continue smooching. After a bit there is a knock on the door) RORY: Who is it? EMILY (OS): Emily Gilmore. (the kids get off the couch and Rory gets the door and lets Emily in) EMILY: I'm so sorry to bother you, Rory. Hello, Logan. LOGAN: Hello, Emily. EMILY: Rory, could you check your closets? The maid hung up your dry cleaning today and I am missing a blouse, and I want to know whether or not to add this to the list of reasons I'm firing her. RORY: Of course. I'll be right back. (she walks off to the bedroom) EMILY: Thank you, Rory. I'm so exhausted with incompetent people, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like every person I hire immediately gets hit in the head with a mallet on their way out of the employment office. (quickly and quietly to Logan) Logan, do you have anything special planned for Rory's birthday next week? LOGAN: Uh...no, no plans. EMILY: Oh, good. Because I would love to throw her a party here. A 21st birthday is so special. But I didn't want to order twelve pounds of crab legs if you had plans to whisk her off to Santorini. LOGAN: No whisking plans in the works. RORY: (walking back out form the bedroom) Sorry, grandma, your blouse isn't in there. EMILY: Say, Rory, how would you like a birthday party next week? RORY: Oh, well... EMILY: It doesn't have to be a big, formal affair. Just something fun with your friends and a few of the DAR ladies, whoever you want. RORY: Sure, grandma, a party sounds fine. EMILY: I'll go right in and call the caterers. 21 years old...time flies, doesn't it? All right, you two, back to what you were doing. (Emily walks out and Rory starts to lead Logan back to the couch) RORY: Hey, grandma says. LOGAN: So, a 21st birthday. Big event. RORY: I guess. LOGAN: Would've been nice if I had known about it. RORY: Oh, I didn't tell you? LOGAN: No. RORY: Oh. I'm just not into birthdays. LOGAN: You're not into birthdays? You, who wore green head to toe on St.Patrick's day and bunny ears on Easter? RORY: I have stock in hallmark. LOGAN: What's up, Ace? RORY: We should probably call the restaurant if we still want to try and eat there. LOGAN: Ace. RORY: I'm just not excited about this particular birthday. LOGAN: Why not? RORY: Because I'm turning 21. LOGAN: Yes...? RORY: My mom and I have been planning for my 21st birthday since, well, my first memory is kindergarten, but I have a feeling she was talking about it before then. We had this whole big thing planned. LOGAN: Yeah...? RORY: We were gonna go to Atlantic City and sit at a blackjack table at 11:59, and we'd be playing 21 when I turned 21. We were gonna drink martinis and win money and go buy 21 things, and there was this thing including 21 guys that would be totally inappropriate now that I'm with you. But it was a pretty big thing, and...and now we're not talking, so it's not gonna happen. I'm just a little bummed. That's all. LOGAN: I know you miss your mom. The concept's a little hard for me to grasp, but I know you do. (he sits) RORY: Well, you never got to know her. She can be pretty cool. LOGAN: Hey, I know. I'll take you to Atlantic City. RORY: What? LOGAN: We can still play 21 when you turn 21. We can buy the 21 things. I'd still vote to put the kibosh on that thing with the 21 guys. But other than that, I'm good to go. RORY: You're sweet, but it's OK. (she sits next to him) LOGAN: Come on. We'll get a car. 21 cars, if you like. RORY: No. No, I appreciate the offer a lot, but I'll just have the party and let this birthday pass. LOGAN: You sure? RORY: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. And I'm hungry. You ready to go? (she picks the Birkin bag from the floor and stands up. Logan doesn't follow) Where did I put my keys? LOGAN: Oh, I think I saw them on the couch. RORY: Here we go again. (she sits next to him again and they start making out again) (CUT to Gilmore mansion dinning room, morning. Emily and Rory are sitting at the table, with all sorts of pieces of birthday cake, which Rory's trying, flowers, napkins and invitation cards. The seem to be planning the party) EMILY: (talks as Rory eats on of the cake samples distracted) You know, when I was turning 21, I somehow got it into my head that I simply had to have my invitations trimmed with real pearls. I could not be convinced that it was at all tacky or impractical. I was right, and that was the way it had to be. My mother was beside herself. I never heard so much sighing in my whole life. But in the end, she found me invitations lined with real pearls, and I felt like the most important girl in the world. So, come on, tell me, which ones are your pearl-trimmed invitations? Rory! RORY: Hmm? EMILY: You're supposed to try them all. RORY: What? EMILY: The cake. Alfonso made us those samples. The least we can do is try them all. RORY: Oh, OK, sure. (takes a forkful from another cake) EMILY: Well, I like the lace. Do you like the lace? RORY: Sure. EMILY: All right. The lace it is. Now, the food. I think we should go buffet. Much more youthful. And what do you think of sushi? Sushi feels young, doesn't it? RORY: I certainly hope so. You don't want any old sushi hanging around. EMILY: Now, we'll have a bar, heaters on the patio to stem the crowd. Oh, do you want a special tray-passed drink, like a sidecar maybe or a gin fizz? I used to love a nice gin fizz. (noticing Rory isn't paying attention) Am I boring you? RORY: No, the lace is fine. EMILY: Rory, where is your head today? RORY: I don't know. I'm sorry. EMILY: There are a million other little details I need to go over here. Would you like me to just do it myself? RORY: Um, sure. You've got great taste. I trust you completely. EMILY: All right. Then the only thing I need from you is a little guidance on the guest list. Now, I have the information for the DAR ladies, of course, and Logan. I have Logan's information. I believe I have the address of your Asian friend. RORY: Lane. EMILY: She hasn't moved? RORY: Not that I know of. EMILY: All right RORY: She'll want to bring her boyfriend. EMILY: Her boyfriend? How wonderful. Rory's Asian friend... RORY: Lane! EMILY: ...has a boyfriend. All right. Now, what about Paris? Are you two friends? I never really can tell. RORY: Paris should be on the list. EMILY: Then Paris is on the list. RORY: She'll want to bring her boyfriend, too. EMILY: My goodness. I guess there's something in the air. All right. I have the Cheevers, your cousins from Bridgeport. Now, do you want me to put your mother on this list? RORY: Mom? EMILY: It's completely up to you. I just thought I should ask. RORY: Yes, put mom on the list. EMILY: All right. She's on the list. RORY: And the chocolate praline crunch is the cake. EMILY: A chocolate praline crunch cake. (wistful) A chocolate praline crunch cake completely covered with pearls. Ah, to be 21 again. (CUT to outside Lorelai's house, night. Lorelai drives up and gets out of the car. Morey and Babette are prepping for Halloween) LORELAI: Wow! Looks great, guys. BABETTE: Yeah, we made it bigger this year. And we added a great new light effect to help Morey's face look more distorted when he drops because, you know, when you really get hanged, your eyeballs sometimes explode and your tongue splits down the middle. It's disgusting. Wanna see? LORELAI: Uh... BABETTE: Morey, shake a leg. MOREY: Okay. (takes his spot and puts his head in the rope) All set. BABETTE: Okay! Bombs away! (pulls a lever and Morey falls) LORELAI: OH! BABETTE: Now, remember, you got to twitch around a lot, make the kids think you're dying real slow and painful. MOREY: Okay BABETTE: Now, obviously there'll be some blood shooting out and some screams, but you get the picture. LORELAI: I-I-I do. MOREY: (twitching around a bit, obviously uncomfortable) Babette? Tight, babe. LORELAI: Do you need help, Babette? BABETTE: Oh, no. As soon as he passes out, his muscles relax and I can slide him right out. We'll be good. LORELAI: Okay. See you guys later. (walks off to the house) (CUT to Lorelai's house inside, continuous. Lorelai comes in and makes her way to the kitchen, where Luke is cooking) LORELAI: Luke, are you here? LUKE: In the kitchen. LORELAI: Where's Paul Anka? He didn't meet me at the door. LUKE: Peas scare him. LORELAI: Really? Huh. Peas? (puts down her purse, takes off her coat and looks at a list on the fridge) Cooked or raw? LUKE: Doesn't seem pleased with either form. LORELAI: Okay, peas are out. (writes something - peas - on the list) What smells so good? LUKE: Fried chicken. LORELAI: Luke, will you marry me? LUKE: Set the table? LORELAI: Okay, first, I have some very exciting news to tell you. LUKE: Shoot! (Lorelai starts to take things out to lay the table) LORELAI: This year, I have decided do a whole new thing for Halloween. LUKE: You're not gonna hang the caramel apples again? LORELAI: Caramel apples aren't scary. LUKE: Well, what's scary is you opening your house up to a mob of insane, sugar-laced kids wearing masks that conviently hide any identifying features. LORELAI: I have decided to do something totally different, and I'm gonna need your help. LUKE: Sure. LORELAI: Okay. I want to do a skit. LUKE: Skit? LORELAI: Yes, I want to be a mad scientist. I'm gonna come out in a blood-stained white lab coat and freaky makeup and big, giant, Don King kind of hairdo, and I'm going to turn the whole front yard into my laboratory. LUKE: Wow. LORELAI: Yes, I'm gonna have a huge electric chair and an operating table and test tubes and wires. LUKE: Sounds elaborate. LORELAI: But you haven't heard the half of it, okay? And so I come out and I do mad scientist "banter", like, "Hey, who here is from Bellevue?" and "'Girl Interrupted'? Now that's my idea of a feel-good movie". I'll work on it. But anyway, after that, I'm gonna drag you out. LUKE: What? LORELAI: You're strapped in an electric chair, and I'm gonna throw the switch and totally electrocute you. And you're flailing around. We'll rig something where smoke and sparks shoot out of your nose. And then once you're dead, I'll throw you onto the operating table and I'll cut you open, and I pull link sausages out of you and throw them into the crowd. LUKE: That's it? LORELAI: Well, I mean, we can take a bow or something, but, yeah, that's it. LUKE: Okay. Uh, just a couple of questions here. Once you've electrocuted me, and I'm dead, um, how exactly do I get to the operating table? LORELAI: huh. Good question. Maybe I can position the operating table like right near the electric chair so I can just flop you over onto it after you die. LUKE: Okay, let's say we work that out. Now I'm on the table. You're gonna cut me open with what? LORELAI: A big, rusty saw. LUKE: And then you're gonna pull link sausages out of me. LORELAI: Real slow and creepy like. LUKE: Okay, great. Last question. Uh, what are the odds of you getting me to do a skit where you electrocute me, cut me open, and pull link sausages out of me? 'Cause I'm thinking they're right up there with Pia Zadora making a big comeback. LORELAI: Oh, come on. This will be fun. LUKE: No way, not happening. LORELAI: But this is our first Halloween together as a full-blown, committed, soon-to-be-married couple. We need to start our own traditions. LUKE: Tell you what. I'll build you the chair, help with the test tubes, and then I'm done. LORELAI: But you would be so scary with smoke coming out of your nose. I really want to see that. LUKE: Well, we're gonna be together the rest of our lives, so odds are you will. LORELAI: Luke! LUKE: Chicken's burning. I got to concentrate. Why don't you go find your psychotic dog, and I'll set the table? LORELAI: Okay, but this discussion is not over. (walks over to the fridge and takes out some raw broccoli) Here, Paul Anka. Mommy's got your broccoli. (walks out of the kitchen to find PA) (CUT to Gilmore mansion driveway, night. Logan's car pulls up. We CUT in the car. Logan is dropping Rory off) LOGAN: Out. RORY: Oh, come on. LOGAN: Beat it! RORY: I can't believe you're not gonna come in. LOGAN: I told you I'm meeting my father at 7:30 in the morning in New York. RORY: I loved the dinner tonight. LOGAN: I'm glad. RORY: I've never had Sri Lankan food before. LOGAN: I thought you'd like it. RORY: And I appreciate you lying to me and answering "chicken" every time I asked you what I was eating. LOGAN: Well, fifteen courses. One of them was bound to be chicken. RORY: And that dessert. LOGAN: Do you really think you can keep talking long enough that I forget I can't come in? RORY: Well, I've seen my mom do it before. I thought maybe it was a family trait. (Logan leans over her and they kiss) Just for an hour. LOGAN: No. (Rory leans in a gain and kisses him) RORY: Half an hour? LOGAN: No. RORY: Fifteen minutes? LOGAN: No. RORY: Okay, an hour. LOGAN: You're getting better at this. (they start making out and then someone - Richard knocks on Logan's window. They break the kiss quickly and pull away from each other) RORY: Ow, you bit my lip. (Logan lowers his window) RICHARD: I didn't mean to startle you two. I heard a noise out here and just came to check it out. Everything all right? LOGAN: Everything is fine Richard, I was just dropping Rory off. RORY: Hi, Grandpa. RICHARD: Hello, Rory. Well, I'll just say good night, then. RORY: Good night, Grandpa. LOGAN: Good night, Richard. (Richard smiles and leaves) (CUT to inside Gilmore mansion, continuous. Emily is looking at a catalogue as Richard comes in) EMILY: Was it the Mortigans' Dalmatian trying to mate with our lion statues again? RICHARD: No, it was not the Mortigans' Dalmatian. It was Rory and Logan. (he sots opposite her) EMILY: How natural selection hasn't wiped out dogs like that, I'll never know. Rory and Logan? RICHARD: It was Rory and Logan. They just came home. Logan was dropping Rory off. EMILY: Well, that's nice. Oh, look at this bedroom set. Richard, you would love these pillows. RICHARD: Seems I interrupted their goodbyes. EMILY: Oh, Richard, now they're going to think we were spying on them. This settee is lovely, also. RICHARD: They were engaged in a round of serious necking. EMILY: What do you mean? RICHARD: You know exactly what I mean. EMILY: You know, Richard, Rory's growing up. RICHARD: Mm-hmm. EMILY: She's turning 21 next week. RICHARD: Oh. Is that what the flotilla of party planners outside our door was about? EMILY: Logan is certainly a very experienced young man. RICHARD: Man of the world, Emily, man of the world. EMILY: You know, Richard, it might be that time. RICHARD: What time? EMILY: She might be getting ready to have relations with that boy. RICHARD: Oh, Emily, please. Have you seen the size of that sports car of his? There's no room to cross your legs, much less anything else. EMILY: The car is not the only place they're getting affectionate, Richard. I walked in on them the other day in the pool house. They were very cozy on the couch, and they certainly weren't looking for her keys. RICHARD: Do you really think? EMILY: I really think. RICHARD: Oh, we have to do something. If she's getting ready to take that step, we have to do something. EMILY: I couldn't agree more. RICHARD: Tomorrow. EMILY: Tomorrow. I am in love with this bedroom set. (CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie and Lorelai are looking at sausages) SOOKIE: Okay! So...what kind of link sausage would you like to pull out of Luke? LORELAI: I'm not sure. Nothing too wimpy. Luke's a big guy, so he needs big-guy sausage. SOOKIE: Don't we all. LORELAI: Don't make my man's sausage dirty. SOOKIE: Well, you could go kielbasa. That's a big-guy sausage. LORELAI: I guess. Technically, Luke hasn't agreed to let me pull anything out of him. SOOKIE: Small detail. LORELAI: Minuscule roadblock. SOOKIE: Well, personally, I love the Louisiana sweet sausage 'cause it has the nicest flavour. A little bite, but not too overwhelming. LORELAI: But, I'm not gonna eat the sausage. I'm going to pull it out of Luke. (an Dragonfly employee comes in the kitchen holding an envelope) RON: Mail just came. LORELAI: Oh, thanks, Ron. SOOKIE: Well, if you're just going by looks, I'd go Cajun because it's red. (they both chuckle as Lorelai opens the envelope - Rory's party invitation) What's the matter? LORELAI: Nothing. SOOKIE: It's not nothing. LORELAI: It's an invitation to Rory Gilmore's 21st birthday party. SOOKIE: Wow, look at all that lace. Man, that's a pretty invitation. LORELAI: Sure is. SOOKIE: Are you going to go? LORELAI: This isn't from Rory. This is from my Dad via my Mom. SOOKIE: It is? LORELAI: Oh, yes. It's just my Dad trying to manipulate me and get me involved in a plan to manipulate Rory. SOOKIE: But you had a plan. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: Boy, they are determined. LORELAI: Determined, demented, de-lovely. SOOKIE: I can't believe Rory's turning 21. It seems like just yesterday she was crying because you told her Charlotte Bronte couldn't come to her sleepover because she's dead. LORELAI: I'm gonna go check the reservation book. SOOKIE: Too much Rory talk. LORELAI: Oh, just a tad. It's making me bummed, so... SOOKIE: We could go back to our sausage talk. LORELAI: Maybe later. (Lorelai exits the kitchen) (CUT to Gilmore mansion, night. Emily is serving drinks as Rory comes in from the patio and walk up to Emily) RORY: Oh, my god, it smells good in here. EMILY; Well, I see someone got our dinner invitation. RORY: Yes, I did, and thank you. It's been weeks since I've had anything that hasn't been supersized for dinner. EMILY: Well, you've been so busy lately, I had to resort to pot roast and mashed potatoes to get you here. RORY: Pot roast and mashed potatoes? EMILY: With baby carrots, parker house rolls, and ice cream sundaes for dessert. RORY: Wow. Am I dying? EMILY: Would you grab that bottle of wine? (walks off with two drinks in her hand) RORY: Sure. (grabs the wine and follows Emily) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT to dinning room, continuous. Emily and Rory enter. Richard is seated at the table, but he's not alone. A man - Rev.Boatwright - is with him) RICHARD: Rory, how lovely that you could join us. Do you know the Reverend Boatwright? RORY: Uh, no. EMILY: Oh, I can't believe that. Reverend Boatwright has been our minister for years. By now he's more of a friend than a minister. RORY: Well, it's nice to meet you, Reverend Boatwright. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Well, it's nice to meet you, too, Rory. I hear pot roast is your favourite, too. RORY: Yes, it is. EMILY: (as she takes her seat) Rory, sit, sit. (Rory sits) It's amazing. All the wonderful foods in this world, the greatest chefs with the most exotic ingredients, and yet this girl still wants pot roast. Roll, reverend? Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Well, thank you. Don't mind if I do. EMILY: Hmm. I wonder where that salad is. Will you excuse me? I'll be right back. (gets up and exits the dinning room) RICHARD: You know, Emily ordered some of that wonderful Irish butter. You haven't tasted rolls until you've had them with Irish butter. I'll be right back. (gets up and exits the dinning room) RORY: And then there were two. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Your grandparents have told me a lot about you, Rory. RORY: Oh, yeah? Rev.BOATWRIGHT: They're very proud of you, you know. RORY: Well, then it's a mutual admiration society. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: You have a birthday coming up next week? RORY: Twenty first. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Must be wonderful being a young woman, just turning 21. The world is out there, just waiting to be conquered. RORY: I guess so. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: I hear you have a boyfriend. RORY: Yes. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Ah, young love. It can be so exhilarating, so intense. All those feelings rushing around inside of you. I remember being young and having all those crazy feelings. RORY: Oh, yeah? Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Oh, yes. You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift. Possibly the most precious gift you possess. RORY: (looking the way Emily and Richard went off) Uh-huh. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can give to only one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't re-gift it. If you give it away too soon to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying? RORY: No. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away. RORY: Oh. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Yes. RORY: Oh, dear. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Oh, dear, indeed. RORY: Um...well, (chuckles a bit uncomfortably) listen, Reverend. I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about...all of this, but, um, I'm afraid the ultimate-gift ship has sailed. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: What? RORY: A while ago. It's probably in Fiji by now. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Oh. RORY: Yeah. Rev.BOATWRIGHT: Well... RORY: So, have you seen "The 40-year-old Virgin"? 'Cause you might like it. (CUT to outside of the pool house, morning. Rory is walking up to the pool house after her community service, takes out her keys and unlocks the door, but has trouble opening it. When she manages, she sees that inside the place id full of stuff. She looks around stunned and then runs off) (CUT to inside mansion continuous. People are prepping up the house for the party. Emily talking to the planner - Claire - as Rory comes in) EMILY: Well, it can't go next to the sushi, so I guess the cake will have to go in there. Maybe in the corner? CLAIRE: Sounds good RORY: Grandma. EMILY: Oh, Rory, good. Do you think we should have a carving station in case some people find sushi unappealing, or will the passed hors d'oeuvres be enough? RORY: Either way. EMILY: "Either way" is not an opinion Rory, just for future reference. (at Claire) Let's have a carving station. Just beef, no turkey. RORY: What happened to the pool house? EMILY: What do you mean? RORY: It's full of stuff. EMILY: Oh, yes, the rentals. I had absolutely nowhere to put them. They said it might rain tonight, and we couldn't leave them outside, so I just put them in the pool house. RORY: But I live in the pool house. What am I supposed to do? EMILY: Oh, I packed up your things and put them in your old room upstairs. RORY: Upstairs? EMILY: Uh-huh. The room right next to ours. We can knock secret-code messages to each other at night, like we're in camp. (notices something in the other room and yells at someone) No, I didn't tell you to put that there. You're fired. RORY: Grandma, has mom RSVP'ed? EMILY: I don't know, Rory. Check the list. (as Rory checks the list Emily talk to the worker she was previously fired) Yes, out now, please. Thank you. RORY: The list says no. EMILY: Then I guess the answer's "no". RORY: Well, that's just wrong. When an invitations says "RSVP", you RSVP. That's what you do. It's not rocket science. EMILY: Maybe she's still coming. RORY: But how do we know? If she doesn't call, how will we know whether or not to make an extra chocolate box, huh? If she doesn't call, she won't have a chocolate box. EMILY: We can make an extra chocolate box, Rory. RORY: No. Why should we make an extra chocolate box? I mean, we're paying for these things. Chocolate boxes do not just grow on trees. They are made. They're made by these hardworking people right here, and it is not right to make these people spend hours making extra chocolate boxes because people are too lazy to make a stupid phone call! (exits very upset) EMILY: Rory! (CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai is sitting at the counter, putting LOTS of whipped cream on a pancake. Luke is behind the counter watching her) LUKE: You're gonna be sick. LORELAI: No. LUKE: It's already loaded with chocolate chips. That's candy, and you're adding whipped cream. That's more candy. LORELAI: Got any jelly beans? LUKE: I'm gonna be sick. (the telephone rings) LORELAI: Oh, and a cherry. (Luke answers the phone) LUKE: Luke's. RORY (on the phone): Luke, is my mother there? LUKE: Rory? LORELAI: Rory? (CUT to Gilmore mansion patio. Rory is on the phone. The scene cuts between Luke and Lorelai in the dinner and Rory at the patio) RORY: Yes, it's Rory. Is my mother there? LORELAI: That's Rory? LUKE: I'll give her to you. LORELAI: To me? That's Rory for me? RORY: No! I just want to know if she's coming to my birthday party. LUKE: She wants to know if you're coming to her birthday party. LORELAI: What? RORY: We're making the chocolate boxes right now, and I need to know if she's coming so I know whether or not to make her one. LUKE: They're making the chocolate boxes right now, and she needs to know if you're coming so they can make you one. LORELAI: I didn't know I was invited. RORY: I sent her an invitation! Where the hell did she think it came from?! The invitation fairy!? LUKE: She said she sent you an invitation. LORELAI: I didn't know it was from her. (a bit louder and closer to the phone, Luke holds the phone up for her) I didn't know it was from you! RORY: Well, it was. Is she coming or not? LUKE: Are you coming or not? LORELAI: Yes, I-I'm coming. I want a chocolate box. LUKE: She'll be there. RORY: Fine. Bye. (hangs up) LORELAI: Rory called. LUKE: I know. She called and yelled at me. LORELAI: No, she called and yelled at me. LUKE: Yeah, but I'm the one who had to hear it, and she was loud. And she said "hell". I never heard her say "hell". I didn't even know she knew how to say "hell". She was mad and she yelled and she said "hell". LORELAI: Yeah, but she called. (CUT to Rory's bedroom, night. It's 4:03 am on Rory's birthday, and Rory is awake looking sadly at her clock) (CUT to Lorelai's bed, night. It's 4:03 am on Rory's birthday, and Lorelai is awake looking sadly at her clock) (CUT to Gilmore mansion, night of the party. Waiters are prepping up the house for the party, there are a few guests. Emily is walking around inspecting things) EMILY: Keep those fans going. I don't want the whole house to smell of raw fish. Disgusting food. (welcoming two guests) Shelby, Martin, how wonderful that you've come. SHELBY: We're a bit early, I'm afraid. EMILY: Nonsense. Have a "rory". We'll chat later. (as she walks away from them) Tacky, horrid people. Why not just show up the night before with a sleeping bag? (as the doorbell rings Emily gives some instructions to the maid) May-May, you've got to get it down to a 1-bell answer. Bell rings once, door opens. Please help me on this. Mr. Gilmore is not here yet, and therefore I have no one to help me with the guests or the party. So, just make sure you get the door after one bell. (the doorbell rings) That's two bells. (as it rings again, Emily starts getting mad) That's three bells! (the maid quickly opens the door) Well, hello, Glory. Come in, come in. (the gusts come in and Emily notices as Rory comes down from upstairs and walks up to her) Rory, you look wonderful. That dress is to die for. RORY: Well, it's the one you laid out on the bed, so I assumed I was supposed to put it on. EMILY: Well, it's perfect. So, how does it look? RORY: Fine. EMILY: I'll never forgive myself for being talked into votives, but that's what you get for taking calls at cocktail hour. Have you tried your drink? RORY: My what? (Emily snaps her fingers and waiter comes up with a tray) EMILY: Your signature drink. (takes a martini glass filled with a pink drink from the tray and offers it to Rory) I had the bartender concoct it for you. It's called "rory". It's got champagne, vodka, pineapple juice, and grenadine. Have one. You're old enough now. RORY: Maybe later. Empty stomach. EMILY: Well, there's plenty to eat, so that can be remedied. RORY: Where's Grandpa? EMILY: He'll be here soon. (Logan walks up to them) LOGAN: Well, there they are. The two most lovely ladies in the room. EMILY: (rather coldly) Hello, Logan. I have to check on your cake. (walks away) LOGAN: Huh. Is it me or could the penguins march through here? RORY: She's probably mad because she found out we're having s*x. LOGAN: She what? RORY: She found out we're having s*x. LOGAN: How the hell did she find that out? RORY: I told her minister. LOGAN: But-but why would you do that? RORY: Because he was going on and on about my virtue being a gift. And now you have it, so I'm gonna have to buy the next guy a sweater. I just wanted him to stop. LOGAN: And all this without a drink in my hand. RORY: Come on. Let's get you a "rory". (they start walking towards the bar) LOGAN: Ohh, dealing with this family is stressful. RORY: Oh! (chuckles) Tell me about it. And once you've had that drink, I can tell you how I've been moved out of the pool house and into a room right next to my grandparents. So from now on, we'll have to have s*x in our invisible suits. (at the bartender) Two rories, please. LOGAN: Does your grandfather know, also? RORY: Oh, yeah. LOGAN: (at bartender) Make it four. LANE: (comes in dragging Zack behind her) Rory! RORY: You came! LANE: Of course I came. I wouldn't miss your 21st birthday. (they hug) RORY: Oh, I'm glad. Hey, Zack, thanks for coming. ZACK: Sure, no problem. There's food, right? RORY: Oh, plenty of food. Lane, I want you to meet Logan. Logan, this is my best friend, Lane. LOGAN: Hey, nice to finally meet you. (they shake hands) LANE: Nice to finally meet you, too. (Lane mouths to Rory "He's cute" and Rory responds "I know") And this is my boyfriend, Zack. LOGAN: (offers Zack a handshake) How you doing? ZACK: What? (sees his hand and they shake) Oh, I'm hanging in there. LOGAN: You guys want a drink? ZACK: Well, I'm not sharing, so make it two drinks. (Logan turns over to the bar to order) LANE: Wow, this house is amazing. I've never been here before. RORY: I'll give you a tour. BARTENDER: Two rories. Extra cherries for the lady. LANE: Oh, my god, you have your own drink. (Rory give Lane a rory) RORY: Wait till you see the bathroom. The guest soap has my face on it. (the girls walk off ahead as Logan gives Zack a rory) ZACK: So, you're, like, rich, huh? LOGAN: Uh... (the boys follow the girls) (CUT to Gilmore mansion driveway, night of the party. Luke and Lorelai are walking up to the house. Lorelai is holding a present) LUKE: This might be my least favourite door in the world to knock on. LORELAI: What about death's door? LUKE: The reception on the other side might be warmer. (Lorelai nods a bit. As Luke is about to knock on the door it opens) LORELAI: Well, at least you didn't have to knock. LUKE: Ready? LORELAI: I was born ready. (they enter the house) LUKE: Ah, nice, low-key affair. LORELAI: Okay, we're in and the gift's on the gift pile (puts the present on the gift pile) and, um, oh (looks around), yes. (takes two rories from a passing tray and gives one to Luke) Cheers. Okay, there. Checking things off the list. We should probably move deeper into the house now. LUKE: What is this? LORELAI: Do you see Rory? LUKE: Not yet. LORELAI: Boy, big turnout. LUKE: Yeah. Maybe if we're lucky and we keep moving around, we can avoid... EMILY: Lorelai, you came. You're here. There's a chocolate box for you in the hallway. LORELAI: Thank you, mom. EMILY: Hello, Luke. I didn't know you were coming. I don't have a chocolate box for you. You'll have to share with Lorelai. LORELAI: Fat chance. Mom buys really good chocolate. EMILY: I see you have a rory. LORELAI: Excuse me? EMILY: Your drink. It's called a rory. What's the matter, Luke, you don't like your rory? LUKE: Oh, no, It's-it's great. It's a little pink, you know. EMILY: Well, Rory's a girl. Girls like pink. LUKE: I know. I was just saying. EMILY: No one's asking you to wear it. It's not a skirt. LUKE: I know. I just... LORELAI: Drink the drink. (Luke drinks) EMILY: Well, nice of you two to come. I have some things to check on. We'll catch up later. Excuse me. (walks away) LUKE: (disgusted) Ohh, it tasted pink. LORELAI: She's gone. (they start walking through the house) LUKE: I mean, like, really tasted really pink, like pink pink. Yech! LORELAI: Come on, let's get something to eat. LUKE: God, that's terrible. It's like drinking a "My Little Pony". (they walk off) (CUT to Rory greeting some people. She spots Paris and Doyle and walks over to say "hi") RORY: Hey, I'm glad you guys came. PARIS: We had to stop and eat first in case the food here sucked. DOYLE: Happy birthday, Rory. PARIS: Yeah, listen, we have really big news. RORY: Thanks Doyle. What Paris? PARIS: You tell her. DOYLE: Okay. PARIS: But do it fast and don't embellish. DOYLE: As you know, I'm a senior, and my reign as editor of the Yale Daily News is officially up at the end of the year and I'm stepping down. I'm going back to writing full-time. RORY: Wow. DOYLE: I'm gonna be writing a column in the Daily News called "The World According to Doyle". RORY: I can't imagine The Daily News without you as editor. PARIS: Yeah. It's going to be weird. Ask who the new editor is. RORY: Oh! Who's the new editor going to be? PARIS: Me. RORY: You? (a bit taken aback) PARIS: That's right. Paris Geller is the new editor of the Yale Daily News. I was worried about the intimidation factor, 'cause people tend to be afraid of me, but I campaigned hard and really worked the "my parents left me broke" angle, got a little sympathy vote, and the next thing I know, I am the man. DOYLE: My woman is the man. (Rory looks around a bit uncomfortable) PARIS: I mean, it's so incredible. Last year, I was sleeping with the editor. DOYLE: And this year, I am. PARIS: I can't wait. The changes I'm going to make. DOYLE: Hold on to your hats, people. (Rory notices as Lorelai and Luke walk up to the kids) PARIS: I'm going to crack that whip, raise that bar. The last person that ran the shop was too busy ironing his petticoat to put out a decent paper. DOYLE: That's about to change. PARIS: You know it is. LORELAI: Hey, everyone. Hey, Paris. PARIS: Hey, Lorelai. You remember my boyfriend, Doyle? LORELAI: Good to see you. This is Luke. PARIS: Nice to meet you, Luke. LUKE: We actually met about two or three weeks ago... PARIS: This is my boyfriend, Doyle. DOYLE: It's nice to meet you. LUKE: Yeah, it's nice to meet you, too. LORELAI: Hey, birthday girl. RORY: Hey. PARIS: We were just talking about the big news. LORELAI: (excited) What's the big news? PARIS: I'm the new editor of the Yale Daily News. LORELAI: (glances at Rory with a concerned look) Wow. Congratulations, Paris. PARIS: Yeah. Last year I was sleeping with the editor. DOYLE: And this year, I am. RORY: (still a bit uncomfortable) Um...I have to go say hello to some people, so I'll catch up with you guys later. Have some food. There's tons of food. PARIS: That doesn't mean I'm not gonna crack that whip on you too Doyle. (Rory leaves and Lorelai looks after her a bit worried) (CUT to patio, later during the party. Luke and Lorelai are having some food) LUKE: What's this? LORELAI: You know they shouldn't be allowed to put just anything into a martini glass. Martinis should go into a martini glass. Gin martinis, vodka martinis, period. That's it. LUKE: Do you know what this is? LORELAI: It's raw fish, Luke. Dip it in soy sauce and swallow it real quick. We were gonna drink martinis. The Rat Pack drank martinis. James Bond drank martinis. You know, it's the sweet drinks that really kill you. It's the sugar that give you the hangover and makes you throw up. LUKE: Yeah, 'cause no one's ever thrown up from a martini before. (puts the sushi in his mouth) LORELAI: You seen my father? LUKE: (chewing) Nope. LORELAI: Wonder where he's hiding. LUKE: Okay, I got the red piece down. LORELAI: "Hello, 'page six'? Have I got a scoop for you". (two DAR ladies walk up to them) VIVIAN: Excuse me, Lorelai? LORELAI: Uh, yeah? VIVIAN: Hi, I'm Vivian Lewis, and this is Catherine Thurston Moore. We're friends of Rory's from the DAR. LORELAI: Oh, friends of Rory's. Wow. I didn't realize she ran with the bad girls. (the ladies laugh) VIVIAN: We just wanted to tell you we love Rory. CATHERINE: She introduced us to buffalo wings and jalapeno poppers, and for that we will be eternally grateful. LUKE: What's the DAR? (the ladies laugh again, Luke looks at Lorelai quizzically, and she smiles) I'm gonna get a beer. Anyone want anything? LORELAI: I'm good. LUKE: Okay, I'll be back. (as he walks off inside the camera pans on Paris and Doyle saying their story...again) PARIS: Last year I was sleeping with the editor. DOYLE: (after a long pause) Now I am. (their companions laugh) PARIS: Come in a little quicker next time. (CUT to inside. Rory is with a group of ladies, but notices Luke and walks up to him) RORY: (at ladies) Oh, excuse me. (at Luke) Hey, little tip: We have beer here. LUKE: Oh, the magic words. I was just heading over to the bar. RORY: Have you tried a rory yet? LUKE: Yes, I have. Not my kind of drink. RORY: Yeah, mine, either. LUKE: Lorelai will be glad to hear it. So, you two haven't talked yet. RORY: Nope, not yet. LUKE: Well, it was nice of you to invite her here. It means a lot. RORY: I'm glad she came. I'm glad you both came. LUKE: Oh, uh, here. I've got something for you. (looks in his pockets, takes out a jewellery gift box and hands it over to her) Birthday present. RORY: Really? LUKE: Yeah, I brought it just in case your mother didn't bring one, but she did. It's the one on top of your present mountain over there. But since I already had it in my pocket, I just figured...(Rory opens it and looks at it touched) RORY: Luke. LUKE: It was my mother's. Liz can't wear it 'cause her neck's too fat, but your neck looks, you know, not fat. It was sitting around in my drawer, so I thought, "hey, give it to Rory". You know you're lucky 'cause Caesar's birthday is next month and I know he likes pearls, so... RORY: (chuckles a bit) Thank you. LUKE: You're welcome. (they hug. A lady - Tweeny - from the group Rory was previously talking to walks over to them) TWEENY: I saw a jewellery box and I couldn't help myself. What did you get? (Rory shows off her gift) Oh, it's fantastic. RORY: It's from Luke, my stepfather-to-be. (Luke is pleasantly taken aback) TWEENY: Well, you have exquisite taste, Luke. I'm Tweeny Halpern. RORY: Tweeny works with me at the DAR. LUKE: What's the DAR? (Tweeny laughs) I'm killing with that line tonight. (CUT to patio outside. Emily walks up to Lorelai) EMILY: Well, how's the party going so far? LORELAI: Seems to be a big hit. EMILY: Where's Luke? I hope he didn't get lost somewhere. LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm sure he's just sizing up how much silver he can stuff into his pockets without it making too much of a bulge. EMILY: I was not insinuating that he was a thief. LORELAI: Ah. EMILY: I was just making small, polite talk. That's what you do at parties. My commenting on his getting lost was in no way a swipe. LORELAI: I'm sorry, I forgot. Luke went to get a beer. Take it. (Emily notices Lorelai's ring) Come on, Mom, it's all about timing. You know that. What are you...(realises what Emily is looking at) EMILY: well, it seems congratulations are in order. LORELAI: Well, that wasn't exactly congratulations, but, sure, close enough. (Claire comes to Emily) CLAIRE: Excuse me, Mrs.Gilmore, but we really should cut the cake now. EMILY: Have you seen Mr.Gilmore yet? CLAIRE: No, I haven't. EMILY: Of course not. He's going to sit all night long in that office of his, moping and sulking, missing his granddaughter's birthday party, and he's going to leave me out here all alone to host it. Fine. Come on, Claire. (Emily and Claire walk off, and Lorelai looks with concern towards the house and starts to make her way inside) (CUT to Richard's study. There is a knock on the door and Lorelai enters. Richard is sitting in one of the armchairs drinking scotch and sulking) LORELAI: Hello? Dad? You're missing a crazy party out there. You know someone forgot to cook the fish? Boy, is Mom gonna be mad. RICHARD: Go away, Lorelai. LORELAI: What's wrong, Dad? RICHARD: You know what's wrong. Rory's wrong. It's all wrong. She's not going back to Yale. It's my fault. (Lorelai sits opposite him) LORELAI: Rory made a choice, Dad. RICHARD: I could've stopped her, and I didn't. I cleared the path for her to walk away from her goal, her life. LORELAI: Dad... RICHARD: She's having s*x, Lorelai. She's having s*x under my roof. I paid 40,000 dollars to redecorate her s*x house. I bought her her s*x mattress, her s*x box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life. LORELAI: Dad, Rory having s*x is not your fault, really. She was having s*x way before the big renovation. RICHARD: I feel so much better now. LORELAI: I'm sorry. I-I wasn't trying to... RICHARD: I made a terrible, terrible mistake. LORELAI: No, Dad, listen...(Emily walks in rather upset) EMILY: Richard, you come out of here right now and make an appearance at this party. RICHARD: I don't give a damn about the party, Emily. EMILY: What is going on with you? You've been holed up in here for two days. Is it work? LORELAI: It's Rory. EMILY: What about Rory? RICHARD: What do you mean, "What about Rory"? We've lost her. EMILY: What are you talking about? I got her out of the pool house. RICHARD: For a day. For two days, and then those rentals go back. EMILY: Fine, then I'll have the place fumigated. That'll take a week. Then I'll have the place checked for mold. That'll be two weeks. Then I'll find rats. Then there will be carbon monoxide leaks, and pluming issues and if I have to, I'll tear the damn place down. In the meantime, she's here where we can watch her. RICHARD: That doesn't matter, Emily. We have lost her. EMILY: No! RICHARD: We've failed. EMILY: No! We have not failed. We have not failed until that girl comes home pregnant. Then we've failed! LORELAI: And on that note...(Lorelai gets up and walks out of the study) EMILY: Richard, I don't understand what's happening. Everything's been fine except the s*x issue. RICHARD: Everything hasn't been fine. (frustrated gets up and starts pacing) The minute we went against Lorelai, we lost. EMILY: You're acting like this is my fault. Going against Lorelai was your idea. I was perfectly ready to go ahead with the plan that the three of us devised. RICHARD: Running around with Logan, joining the DAR, planning parties. EMILY: What's wrong with joining the DAR? We both agreed she needed a job. RICHARD: Fund-raisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be. I don't want that life for her. EMILY: (with an upset and a insulted look) You mean my life. You don't want her to be me. RICHARD: Emily, no. That's not what I meant. EMILY: We're cutting the cake now. Can't wait anymore. (Emily walks out clearly upset, and Richard is left alone also upset) (CUT to living room. Lorelai walks around and spots Rory. They wave at each other and meet up half way across the room) LORELAI: So. RORY: So. LORELAI: Your drink is disgusting. RORY: Tell me about it. LORELAI: Nice party, though. RORY: Yeah, it's very nice. LORELAI: You look great. RORY: You look skinny. LORELAI: Oh, well, it's the construction diet. RORY: Construction? LORELAI: Yeah, we're making the bedroom bigger. RORY: You and Luke? LORELAI: No, me and John O'Hurley. Luke doesn't know yet. I hope he takes it okay. RORY: You guys are gonna live at our house? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Wow. That's nice. So, what's new with you? RORY: Oh, well, not much. I got my community service hours down from 300 to 104, so... LORELAI: God, community should be well-served by now. They should build a statue of you when you're done. RORY: Well, it's not just one community. LORELAI: Right, yeah. That makes more sense, I guess. I got a dog. RORY: What? LORELAI: Stop. He's fine. RORY: He's alive? LORELAI: Yes, he's alive, and I'm not discussing that hamster again. RORY: But you asked Babette to double-check that you feed it in the morning? LORELAI: That is so not necessary...and yes. RORY: Wow, a dog. A lot has changed. LORELAI: A lot, and then not so much, also. RORY: Did you get your chocolate box? They're by the door. LORELAI: No, I didn't. I'll get one on the way out. RORY: They're good. I ate two. LORELAI: It's a really pretty party. I actually like all the votives and the...(Lorelai is cut off by the "happy birthday song". Lane and Logan come to take Rory closer to the cake. Lorelai is left behind. As everyone is singing Happy Birthday Lorelai watches on sadly. As the song ends Luke walks up to her at looks ate her with concern) LORELAI: Ready to go? LUKE: Sure. (they starts to leave) (CUT to Luke's car, night. Luke and Lorelai are driving back in silence) LUKE: Hey. You can pull link sausages out of me if you want. (Lorelai turns to look at him and smiles) END Of Episode 6.07 - Twenty-One is the Loneliest Number
Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who tells Lorelai that she and Logan are having sex? A: the Gilmore girls; Q: Who planned Rory's 21st birthday? A: her 21st birthday; Q: What did the Gilmore girls plan for Rory since she was little? A: 21; Q: What is Rory's age? A: Atlantic City; Q: Where did the Gilmore girls plan to celebrate Rory's 21st birthday? A: the estrangement; Q: What is the reason Emily changed the birthday plans? A: Emily; Q: Who moves Rory back into the main house? A: the birthday party; Q: Lorelai and Rory finally talk at what event? A: their pastor; Q: Who does Richard and Emily invite to dinner? Summary: Since Rory was little, the Gilmore girls have planned her 21st birthday: in Atlantic City, sipping martinis, playing 21. But with the estrangement, Emily plans the birthday party - and it's not Atlantic City. Richard and Emily have their pastor over for dinner and Rory drops the news that she and Logan are having sex. Emily moves Rory back into the main house. At the birthday party, Lorelai and Rory finally talk.
The Great Dragon : In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom on the shoulders of a young boy. His name ... Merlin. [In an abandoned castle] Morgause : Cnihtas Medhires, eower sawlas sind min sawlas. Onwac ond cum her eft! Rid eft ond forsleah eft! Gedo Uther Pendragon! [Credits] [Camelot - Throne Room] A breeder : I'm a herder from the Northern plains, sire. Three nights back, we were camped beneath the walls of Idirsholas ... Uther : I'm not sure I would have chosen such a place. Breeder : Good pasture is scarce, sire. Uther : What's up to you? The breeder: While we were there, we ... We saw smoke rising from the citadel. Gaius : And did you see anything else? Breeder : No. Uther : Did you go inside? Breeder : Nobody has stepped over that threshold for 300 years. You must know the legend, sire. Gaius : When the fires of Idirsholas burn, the Knights of Medhir will ride again. Uther : See you there! [To Arthur] Take a ride out there. Arthur : Why? Uther : So we can put people's minds at rest. Arthur : Surely this is superstitious nonsense. Uther: Gather the guard and do I say. [Gaius Lab] Merlin : Why's Uther so worried? Gaius : Because the Knights of Medhir are a force to be reckoned with. Merlin : So you believe the story as well? Gaius : It's more than a story, Merlin. Some 300 years ago, seven of Camelot's knights were seduced by a sorcerer's call. One by one, they succumbed to her power. At her command, they became a terrifying and brutal force that rode through the lands leaving death and destruction in their wake. Merlin : What happened? Gaius: It was only once again that the Knights of Medhir finally grew still. Merlin, if what Joseph says is true, then something has awoken them. And I fear for each and every one of us. [The Knights of Camelot leave.] [Morgana's Chamber] [Morgana has received a message from Morgause. She's bothered by Gwen.] Gwen : Are you all right? Morgana : Yes. Just a little cold. Gwen : Do you need something warmer? Morgana : No. Thank you. [Forest] Arthur : What is it, Merlin? Do not tell me you've been listening to Gaius' bedtime stories again. Merlin : I just hope that's all they are. [Night - Camelot] [Morgana walks out of the castle and leaves in the forest to find Morgause.] Morgause : You look well. Morgana : Thanks to you. I wear it all the time. I can not remember when I last had a bad dream. Morgause : Yet you do not seem happy. Why's that? Morgana : I would be, if I did not have to pretend. Morgause : Pretend? Morgana : That I am Uther's loving ward ... when I hate him. Morgause : Have you ever imagined a new world, Morgana? One where Uther was no more? Morgana : Sometimes. Morgause : And is that what you'd like? Morgana : I had the chance to be his murderer. Morgause: And what stopped you? Morgana : I do not know. I thought he cared for me. But not any more. He cares for no-one. Morgause : So you want Uther destroyed and his reign to end? Morgana : More than anything. But it does not matter what I want. The future is not of my making. Morgause : You are wrong, Morgana. You underestimate your importance. The decisions you make now will change the shape of everything that is to come. Morgana : What do you mean? Morgause : Whose side are you on, Morgana? Are you with Uther, or are you with me? Are you ready to help me bring about his downfall? Morgana : I am. Morgause: I can not tell you how much it means to hear you say that. [Morgause uses his powers on Morgana to put him to sleep.] Morgause : Acenne slaep swylce cwalu. Acenne slaep swylce cwalu. Acenne slaep swylce cwalu. [The next day - Morgana's room] [Morgana wakes up in bed.] Gwen :: Good morning, my lady. Morgana? Morgana? Morgana : Yes ... Gwen : Did you sleep well? Morgana : Yes. [Seeing Gwen yawning.] Better than you by, the looks of it. Gwen : Sorry. [Uther's room] Uther : I have short business that needs attending to. Gaius: You have to stay in bed, sire. You have a fever. I'll prepare a tonic for you. [To Sir Leon] When did he first fall ill? Sir Leon : It came on this morning. It's not something to worry about? Gaius : No. It'll soon pass. Be sure to let me know if there's any change. [Idirsholas Castle Courtyard] Merlin : What's that noise? Arthur : What noise? Merlin : A spell of trembling sound. Arthur : That's your knees knocking together. [Gaius Lab] [i /] Gaius : I fear this contagion is spreading. You're the fifth person I've seen today. Gwen : I'm sure it's nothing. [i] Dropping a jar] : Damn! [Leaning over to pick up the debris] Ooh. I'll pick that up later. I think I might need a little something myself. If I can not find what it is I'm looking for. [Idirsholas Castle] Arthur : Seems part of Joseph's story was true. Probably just travelers passing through. Merlin [Seeing the 7 Knights of Medhir] : Or maybe not. [A battle is going on.] Merlin : Arthur! [Throwing him a sword] Arthur : Run, Merlin! Merlin : No. Arthur : Will you do as I say! Merlin : Ahreose thaec! [They escape from the castle and find themselves in the forest.] Arthur : What happened to your arm? Merlin : Oh, must have caught it on something. Arthur : Let me see. Your first battle wound. Here. Merlin [Seeing Arthur tearing his tunic] : No. No, do not ... You'll ruin it! Arthur : Do not worry. You can mend it. Did anyone else escape? We need to get back to Camelot. Gather reinforcements. [Camelot's court] Merlin : Are they dead? Arthur : No. They're breathing. Merlin : What's happened to them? Arthur : I do not know. What's going on? [A cart stops in the yard.] Merlin : I'll get Gaius. Arthur! [Grand staircase] Merlin : They're all fast asleep. It must be some kind of sickness. Arthur : Where's my father? [Throne Room] Arthur : Where is he? [Gaius Laboratory] Merlin : Gaius! It must be the work of magic. Arthur : We have to find my father. [Morgana's bedroom] [Arthur drops Gwen asleep on the bed. Morgana has hidden behind curtains. The two men discover her. She screams.] Arthur : It's me, it's me, Morgana. What's happened? Morgana : I did not know it was you. Arthur: Calm down, Morgana. Just tell me what happened. Morgana : People were complaining, saying they were not feeling well. Arthur : And what then? Morgana : They started falling asleep. Everyone. Everywhere I went. Arthur : Was someone here? Then why were you hiding? Morgana : I told you, I did not know who you were. Arthur : Where's my father? Morgana : I do not know. Merlin : Arthur, she's distressed! Arthur : If she was awake then she must've seen something. Morgana : I did not see anything. Arthur : You saw people getting sick. What did you do? fata morgana: What could I do? Arthur : Morgana, I do not understand. Why is it that you're the only person awake? [Medhir's horsemen ride towards Camelot.] [Camelot Corridors] Merlin : Do not worry, I will not say anything. Morgana : About what? Merlin : The illness. Morgana : That has nothing to do with me. Merlin : Of course not, but you have magic. Morgana : You have not told anyone that? Merlin : No. And I will not tell Arthur, but ... There must be something keeping you safe. And I think that must be it. Morgana : Right. Arthur : I've found him! [King's Office] Arthur : Father! Merlin : See, he's all right. Arthur : He is not all right! Merlin : He's just asleep. All we have to do is find a cure, a way to wake them. Arthur : Who could have done this? You're the only one who's not been affected, Morgana. There must be a reason. Morgana : I do not know. Arthur : That's all you keep saying. You must know something. Morgana : No! They just fell asleep, one by one! Merlin : It's obvious. When she started feeling sick, Gaius gave her a potion, right? Arthur : When was she sick? She never said that. poleaxe: She was one of the last to be affected. Somehow the potion must've helped. Arthur : What about everyone else? Merlin : By then Gaius was too ill. He did not have the chance to treat anyone else. Arthur : Go and see if you can find this potion. I'll search for signs of life in the lower town. Morgana, you stay here and look after my father. Keep him safe. [Tending to Morgana's sword] Here. You protect him with your life, understand? [Forest] [Morgause and the Medhir Knights prepare to attack Camelot.] [Gaius Laboratory] Merlin: All right. Gaius, this is going to wake you. Ic acwice the! Gaius! Gaius? All right ... Oh. We can try this. Ic the bebeode thaet thu ne slaepest! Well, maybe not. Come on, Gaius. I need you to wake up. I really need your help. Ah, here we go ... Brimstream! Arthur : Merlin, come quickly! [Ramparts] [Merlin & Arthur attend knights' arrival.] Merlin : According to the legend, there were only seven Knights of Medhir. Arthur : Then who's the extra rider? Merlin : I do not know, but Camelot is defenceless. Arthur : We have to get back to my father. [King's Office] Arthur : This will be the first place they look. We have to hide him. Morgana : What's going on? Arthur : We're under attack. No time to explain. Grab his legs, carry him. You're not meant to be sweeping the floor with him! Pick his feet up. Merlin : His feet are not the problem. Arthur : Morgana, give him a hand. [Uther snorts.] Arthur : It's not funny, Merlin. Did you find the potion Morgana took? Merlin : Er, no. [Morgause and the knights enter the courtyard.] [King's Chamber] Arthur : We can not leave him here. We have to ride him onto the bed. Merlin : Why? He's asleep. He's not going to know. Arthur : Merlin! poleaxe: Well ... I'll get him a pillow. Arthur : He's the King! Merlin : All right, two pillows. [Feeling bad] Are you all right? Arthur : You feel the same? Merlin : We're getting sick. Arthur : We can not let that happen. We must keep my father hidden. Merlin : Why do not we disguise him? Arthur : That might just work. Merlin : We could dress him as a woman. Arthur : That, on the other hand ... Merlin : We could dress him as a servant. Arthur : That's better. Merlin : I'll get some clothes. [Merlin leaves the room.] Arthur : Are you all right, Morgana? You seem quiet. Morgana : I'm fine. Arthur : Are you sure? I can always tell when you're lying. Do not worry. I will not let any harm come to him. [Merlin is forced to hide in a closet to escape a knight.] [Dragon's Cavern] Merlin : What's going on? Why is everyone asleep? [The Dragon snores.] Merlin : Please, not you as well. I need your help. What am I going to do? Do not pretend. I know you're listening to me. The Great Dragon: Merlin, you always say the same thing. "Help me!" And yet you refuse to give anything in return. Now you will face the consequence of that decision. Camelot's end up and there's nothing you can do about it. Merlin : I know, I promised to free you. And I will. [The Dragon laughs.] Merlin : I will, I promise! The Great Dragon : I no longer trust your promises. Merlin : I swear on my mother's life. The Great Dragon : Careful what you say. Merlin : You have to help me. Please! The Great Dragon : Your life matters This is an oath I believe you will honor. poleaxe: I will. The Great Dragon : It's a thing to cast a spell that puts everyone to sleep. The power to maintain is a very different matter. It will need more than just words to break this enchantment. Merlin : What do you mean? The Great Dragon : You must eradicate the source, Merlin. Merlin : Great, what is that? The Great Dragon : Not what, but who. Such spells need a vessel, a constant living presence to give strength. The source of this pestilence is the witch, the Lady Morgana. Merlin : It can not be. The Great Dragon : I have warned you about her in the past, but you have failed to take heed. She is dangerous. Merlin : No ... The Great Dragon : And now she has chosen to turn her back on her own. Merlin : How do I stop her? The Great Dragon : That's easy, young warlock. You must kill her. Merlin : No! The Great Dragon : The spell is woven with the magic of such power that you are not immune. You must act now, before it's too late. If you do not, then Camelot will fall and Arthur will die. And the future you were destined to share with you. [Gaius Lab] [Merlin takes a vial of poison.] [Camelot Corridors] Arthur : What took you so long? Merlin : I did not know Uther's size. [King's Chamber] Morgana: I was worried about you. Merlin : They're here. They're in the castle. Morgana : Where's Arthur? Merlin : He's gone to find somewhere safe to move to. Morgana : Thank you for not saying anything to him. Merlin : That's all right. Morgana : You're a good friend. [Arthur enters the room.] Arthur : We have to move my father before Morgause gets here. Morgana : Morgause ... Arthur : Come on, let's go. Merlin : You're not surprised? Morgana : No, I am. [Chamber of a servant] Arthur: We should be safe in here for a while. It must be the potion Gaius gave her. Merlin : Yeah, must be the potion. Arthur : We can not keep this up much longer. Merlin : I know. We're in a servant's quarters. If we leave him here, they'll just think he's a servant. Arthur : Not if Morgause sees him. We need to get him out of Camelot. Merlin : When we arrived, there was a cart, in the main square. Remember? Arthur : You are full of good ideas today, Merlin. You go and look. [SCENE_BREAK] [Camelot's hallways] [Merlin gets attacked by a knight.] Merlin : Astrice! [Housekeeper's room] Merlin: They're closing in, we will not make it to the cart. Not carrying Uther. Arthur : That's why we've made this. We're going to pull him. Get down and keep quiet. [A knight enters the room and fights with Arthur.] Arthur : Protect the King, get him out of here! [Camelot's hallways] [Merlin & Morgana are attacked by a knight.] Morgana : Merlin! Please! [Throne Room] Arthur : Merlin, help me! [Merlin & Arthur blocks the door.] Arthur : Morgana. We need the remedy that Gaius gave you. Morgana? Morgana : I do not have it. Arthur: I know that, but ... You must remember what it was. What was in it? Come on Morgana, we can not keep going much longer. Think! Morgana : I'm sorry, I ... Merlin : It does not matter. We can not get it, anyway. We're trapped. Arthur : There's something we can do! Merlin : Why did not you kill you? Morgana : How do I know? Because I'm a woman? Merlin : Yeah. Maybe. Arthur : Unless we can rid ourselves of this sickness, I do not see how we can hold out. Merlin : We have to destroy the source of the magic. Arthur : Which is ...? Merlin : I do not know. Arthur: Then our only chance is to get out of Camelot. Help me with my father. You cut the blanket up, we'll tie it to my father Morgana : Arthur? Arthur : Morgana, please, just do as I say. [To Merlin] I'll fetch the round to the window. Merlin : Are you going out there? I'll come with you. Arthur : No! You stay, you protect my father. Merlin : You will not reach the cart alone. It's suicide. Arthur : We have no choice. Merlin : How are you feeling? Arthur : Not bad. Merlin : You sure? Arthur : Yeah. You? poleaxe: Never better. Arthur : You could not get me pillow, could you? Merlin : Do not mess around. Arthur? You ... Arthur, you need to stay awake. [Merlin slaps Arthur.] Arthur : Merlin! Merlin : That's better. Arthur : If you ever do that again ... Merlin : Well, do not fall asleep, then! [A grunt is heard.] Arthur : That your knees again? If I need a servant in the next life ... Merlin : Do not ask me! [Arthur walks out of the room to fight the Medhir knights.] Morgana : He's not going to survive out there. Merlin : I know. Morgana : We've got to do something. Merlin : I know. Merlin : Here. You tear this up. I'll make some rope. [Merlin pours poison into the gourd and presents it to Morgana.] Merlin : Here, have some water. Morgana : I'm not thirsty. Merlin : If we get out of here, you can not get another chance to drink. Morgana : IF we get out of here. [Merlin pretends to drink and hands the gourd to Morgana for the second time.] Merlin : Here. Morgana : I'm fine. Merlin : No, you have some before I finish it. Morgana : Thank you. [Morgana drinks the poisoned liquid. Morgause enters the room.] Morgause : What has he done to you? Merlin : I had to. Morgause : You poisoned her! Merlin : You gave me no choice. Morgause : Tell me what you used and I can ave her. Merlin : First stop the attack. Morgause : You're nothing but a simple servant. You do not tell me what to do. Merlin : If you want to know what poison it is, you will find that the drives. Morgause : Tell me the poison or you'll die. poleaxe: Then she'll die with me. I do not want this any more than you. But you give me no choice. Stop the knights and you can save her. Morgause : Astyre us thanonweard! Cnihtas Medhires, eower sawlas sind min sawlas. Rid eft ond forsleah eft! [The Medhir Knights collapse.] Arthur : What do you have done with my father ?! Merlin : He's safe. Arthur : Morgana! Morgause : Keep away from her. Bedyrne us! Astyre us thanonweard! [Morgause & Morgana evaporate.] [King's Chamber] Arthur : I could not find you. Are you all right? Uther : Is there still no sign of her? Arthur : We've looked, Father. Uther : Morgause must not be allowed to get away with this! Arthur : Yes, Father. Uther : Arthur? I have not had a chance to say thank you. Arthur : I failed, Father. I should have protected Morgana. Uther : No. That was my duty. Her loss will forever be on my conscience, not yours. [Night - Gaius Lab] Gaius : You did the right thing. Merlin : You do not mean that. Morgana was your friend, too. You cared about her. Gaius : I did not. But I fear that, unlike you, Morgana not to use her gift for good. You had no choice. Would we be sitting here now if you had not made that decision? Where are you going? poleaxe: I'll eat that later. Gaius : Merlin? Merlin : There's something I have to do. [Merlin, a sword in his hand, goes down under the foundations of the castle.] The Great Dragon : 'You must steal a sword from the Knights of Medhir. Their blades were forged by the Old Religion. Uther Pendragon keeps me in jail. ' [Dragon's Cave] The Great Dragon : The time has come, young warlock. Merlin : Where will you go? The Great Dragon : I am the last of my kind. There is one road I can take. Merlin : What does that mean? The Great Dragon: You will see. Merlin : Before I do this, you promise me ... that you will not harm Camelot. The Great Dragon : I think there have been enough bargains. Do not you? Merlin : Ic bebeod thisne swurd thaet he forcearf tha bende thara dracan! Unclce! [Merlin finally releases the Dragon.] [SCENE_BREAK] Source: Mist of Camelot
Plan: A: Morgause; Q: Who uses her magic to re-awaken seven undead knights to attack Camelot? A: Morgana; Q: Who is the source of the spell that puts everyone in Camelot to sleep? A: the city; Q: What does the spell leave vulnerable? A: Merlin; Q: Who is forced to poison Morgana? A: his mother's life; Q: What did Merlin promise to free the Great Dragon? A: the Great Dragon; Q: Who advises Merlin to kill Morgana to stop the spell? Summary: Morgause uses her magic to re-awaken seven undead knights to attack Camelot. She seduces Morgana into being the source of a spell which puts everyone in Camelot to sleep and leaves the city vulnerable. When Merlin and Arthur return to the city to warn that the undead knights are awake, they are helpless to break the spell and begin to succumb to sleep themselves. After Merlin promises on his mother's life to free him, the Great Dragon advises Merlin to kill Morgana to stop the spell. Cornered into a desperate situation, Merlin is forced to poison Morgana, coercing Morgause to lift the spell in order to save her. Morgause takes Morgana away with her. Merlin fulfills his promise and frees the Great Dragon.
TIME-FLIGHT BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part Two Running time: 23:58 [SCENE_BREAK] (Plasmatons manifest themselves around the Doctor. He finds himself captivated by their bubble machines. Then it looks as if he's lying down in the bubbles. Stapley makes a move toward the bubbly mass but Nyssa stops him.) NYSSA: Stop! You mustn't fight it. The Doctor will be all right. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But how could he-? NYSSA: I just know. BUBBLE VOICE: Doctor. Help. Help. Help Me ... TEGAN: What's happening now? (The bubbles disappear. Tegan and Stapley help the Doctor to sit upright. He has a dazed look on his face.) DOCTOR: Captain Stapley, are you all right? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Am I all right? Those were the creatures that got a hold of Bilton and Scobie. DOCTOR: What creatures? TEGAN: Those blobs. DOCTOR: Oh you mean the Plasmatons. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Whatever you want to call them. DOCTOR: Protein agglomeration, random particles assembled from the atmosphere. Quite harmless I assure you. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor there's no technique that can make matter like that out of thin air. DOCTOR: Oh isn't there? Now what about the energy that telepathically generated the idea we were at Heathrow; you think that that can't operate on a physical level? NYSSA: Doctor. DOCTOR: It's simply a form of psychokinesis. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: You mean like that spoon bending nonsense. TEGAN: So it seems. NYSSA: Doctor those people were taking away the TARDIS. DOCTOR: What!? [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the freaky silver Kalid dude's snow globe. Scobie and Bilton appear before Kalid, who has obviously never seen a dentist. Cut back to the high quality backdrop with the Doc, Nyssa, Beagle and Captain Stapley.) DOCTOR: Didn't you even bother to look to see where they were taking it? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Hey! (walks slowly onto the scene) Are you from the other Concorde? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Yes, Captain Stapley, British Airways. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Professor Hayter, University of Darlington. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: You must be from flight 1-9-2! Where are all the other passengers, what happened to you? PROFESSOR HAYTER: You're not hallucinating. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Certainly not. PROFESSOR HAYTER: You have no idea what it's been like resisting alone. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Hahaha. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Who are these people? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Oh. This is the Doctor. DOCTOR: This is Nyssa and Tegan. PROFESSOR HAYTER: You're all with Captain Stapley? DOCTOR: Yes, I am sorry if we seem like an unlikely rescue party. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Oh... yes. DOCTOR: Well, well don't worry, you're not imagining this. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: If it hadn't been for the Doctor we would never have found you. PROFESSOR HAYTER: At least you're here. How did the Russians let you land? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Russians? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Well, aren't we behind the Iron Curtain, Siberia? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well uh, not exactly. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Then where are we? [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber, the people from the other Concorde have set the TARDIS down in a corner and turn to face Kalid for further orders.) KALID: You will return to your other work. ANDREW BILTON: TARDIS... TARDIS... TARDIS... KALID: To your work! ANDREW BILTON: Rope.. Rope... That's it, ROPE TRICK! KALID: Ram sharaa, inoora xuror! (he pauses to let his spell take effect) You will proceed with your work. ANDREW BILTON: Concorde? Concorde. Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 cleared for take-off. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: I must have passed out during the hijack, I think we all did. The next thing I knew we were in this mausoleum. They got everybody under some sort of hypnosis. At Darlington that's my speciality, so I was able to counter-suggest. Not easy I can tell you. Hyperstimulation of eidetic images, the most powerful hallucinatory induction I have ever come across. They must be using ultrasonics. DOCTOR: Who are they, Professor Hayter? PROFESSOR HAYTER: I don't know, even the guards are disguised. DOCTOR: Guards? Oh you mean the plasmatons. PROFESSOR HAYTER: The what? DOCTOR: Oh, it doesn't matter. At least you managed to get away without alerting these guards. Look, I want you to show us the way to this mausoleum. PROFESSOR HAYTER: You're not serious. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Hayter, I've got to find my crew. DOCTOR: And I've got to find my TARDIS. PROFESSOR HAYTER: TARDIS? TEGAN: Without it, we'll never get back to the 20th century. PROFESSOR HAYTER: What did you say? NYSSA: She's absolutely right. We've all travelled 140 million years down a time contour. PROFESSOR HAYTER: They're both hallucinating. TEGAN: It's true. Your aircraft got caught in a time warp. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Unless we get them away from here ... CAPTAIN STAPLEY: There's no time to explain Hayter I need you to show me where I can find my crew, the Doctor has to get back his, er, equipment. PROFESSOR HAYTER: If you insist Captain. The prison center is somewhere on the other side of that hill. What is this equipment of the Doctor's? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well it's ... ahem. You wouldn't believe me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber he circles the TARDIS in admiration, trying to find the way inside. He rattles the door handle but is distracted by an alarm noise ringing near his central podium thingy. He strides over to it and sees the approaching party in his snow globe.) KALID: Ram ram, zorak naraam! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to backdrop land with the others.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: There it is. DOCTOR: How did that get built in this wilderness? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Slave labor I expect. DOCTOR: Come on then! (Nyssa stops and begins to freak out, like she can't catch her breath. Unfortunately instead of just letting her die, the others stop to check on her.) NYSSA: Doctor! No! (Gasp) Something's happening! I can't - I can't - CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's happening to her? PROFESSOR HAYTER: It's the radiation. I said we should keep away from this place. DOCTOR: Ah, keep still! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We must help her! (Nyssa suddenly calms down and seems to be able to breathe again.) NYSSA: Do not approach the citadel. Return to your ship. There is great danger. DOCTOR: Who are you? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's happening to her? DOCTOR: The intelligence, it's using Nysser as a medium. PROFESSOR HAYTER: More like hysteria, created by ultrasonics. DOCTOR: Be quiet! Who are you? What do you want? NYSSA: We are - we are - The control divides us, but the control shall be resisted, resisted! KALID: Yoshee something something, my child. NYSSA: There's so little time. You must resist, resist. TEGAN: Look! It's happening again. NYSSA: Resist. TEGAN: It's the same stuff as the plasmatons are made out of. DOCTOR: Someone wanted to stop her talking. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We've got to get her out of there. DOCTOR: I'm afraid we don't have the right kind of energy. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But we can't just leave her! DOCTOR: Well if we can find the source of the power we might be able to free her. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: You go on Doctor, I'll stay with Nyssa. TEGAN: No, you're more use to the Doctor. I'll stay with her. (Nyssa lies immersed in bubble bath.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: Going on is madness. TEGAN: Look if we don't get the TARDIS back we could be stuck here forever. DOCTOR: Tegan's right. Now look she'll be perfectly all right. As soon as she's free you both go back to the Concorde. TEGAN: You bet. Good luck. DOCTOR: And don't try and follow us. Captain, Professor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Don't you realize we've got to get away from here. The effect will only get worse the nearer we get to the center of the radiation. DOCTOR: Is that a reason for abandoning your fellow passengers? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: If the intelligence is trying to contact us, who is trying to stop it? DOCTOR: Something with the same resource of psychokinetic energy. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Another Intelligence. DOCTOR: Could well be. TEGAN: Nyssa, can you hear me. Nyssa. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at Kalid's crib.) KALID: Sharaa sharaa, sharam sharong. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: The place is deserted. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Don't you believe it, those guards appear from nowhere. DOCTOR: Those guards as you call them are fully occupied with Nyssa. PROFESSOR HAYTER: What do you mean? DOCTOR: The creatures you saw are particles of protoplasm bonded by psychic energy. The essential protoplasm can take any shape. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Such as the shield around Nyssa. DOCTOR: Yes, but I suspect the power and raw material is limited so as long as Nyssa is trapped... CAPTAIN STAPLEY: No plasmatons! PROFESSOR HAYTER: I've never heard such an extravagant explanation. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: How else do you explain what happened to Nyssa? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Well, some form of projection. Maybe part hallucination. Scientifically speaking - DOCTOR: Scientifically speaking I think we should find the others. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to Nyssa and Tegan, briefly.) TEGAN: Nyssa... Nyssa... can you hear me? [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the citadel, the three men come upon a chamber in which the passengers and crew from the other Concorde, along with Bilton and Scobie, are busy working at a giant angular clam-like object in the center of the chamber.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: That's Bilton and Scobie! DOCTOR: I wonder if they know where the TARDIS is. PROFESSOR HAYTER: I doubt if they can even remember their names, they're in a state of trance. DOCTOR: Well it can't be far away. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: If we could separate them. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Look out for the guards. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: The Doctor's theory is... Where is the Doctor? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Forget him. Let's get out of here. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: No! PROFESSOR HAYTER: I don't know what this Doctor's qualifications are, but if you ask me the man's a lunatic. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I don't believe I did. (The Doctor has wandered off in search of the TARDIS among the tunnels and chambers. At a junction he stops, indecisive, and takes out a coin. He flips the coin and slaps it on the back of his hand. Unhappy with the result, he turns the coin over and moves off to his left. He moves cautiously along the wall and eventually arrives at a dead-end. Frustrated, he stops for a moment and suddenly hears a door sliding open behind him. He enters through the door. The first thing he sees is the TARDIS standing in the corner. He strides into the chamber and heads straight for the TARDIS, stopping in front to stare at it happily. Kalid steps into the chamber behind him.) KALID: Soooo... You're here at last Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the heart of the citadel.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's behind that thing? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Another thing I shouldn't wonder. It's called hard labor. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: The Doctor's theory is that this is a hijack in time rather than space. This isn't the Soviet Union, Professor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: This Doctor needs his head examined. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber.) DOCTOR: So you're the conjurer. KALID: I am Kalid. DOCTOR: You say that as if you expect a round of applause. KALID: Have a care Doctor, you are not summoned to my domain to play the clown. DOCTOR: Your domain, hm? KALID: Here Kalid rules. DOCTOR: I apologize for my levity, not to mention my curiosity. KALID: What ah, troubles your mind, Doctor. DOCTOR: What your doing in this time zone for a start. KALID: Shall Kalid not travel where the spirit leads him. DOCTOR: Would this spirit have anything to do with the ruins of that spaceship out there. KALID: Spaceship? DOCTOR: Yes. KALID: Space is within us, Doctor. DOCTOR: Then exactly how do you travel. KALID: By the power of the great one. In the deserts of Arabia I learned all the magic arts. DOCTOR: Magic... Arabia... Oh come on you can do better than that. KALID: You mock me Doctor. But do not doubt that I can summon furies and cacodemons. A company of cherubim, or Lucifer himself. DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes. You're surrounded by a lot of powerful bio-energetics, Kalid. But I can't help feeling there's something a great deal more mechanistic about all of this. KALID: Mechanistic? DOCTOR: What are you doing sitting at the end of a time contour like a spider in a web, and what do you want with my TARDIS? KALID: My familiar spirits have told me of your miraculous cabinet. The spirits have told me you would come. DOCTOR: Your spirits are very well informed. KALID: I hold the whole genius of Night bound to my will and now the Great Elemental has summoned you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Not just me Kalid, what do you want with all these passengers? KALID: Slaves are required in my domain. DOCTOR: You have the plasmatons. KALID: They have other uses. DOCTOR: You mean you need the psychotronic energy for something else. (Tony looks pissed that the Doctor's so smart. Back to Tegan hanging out with Nyssa Bubble.) BUBBLE VOICE: Resistance, Kalid shall be resisted. NYSSA: Who are you? [SCENE_BREAK] (Back inside Kalid's chamber.) KALID: The power shall be used for the great work we shall do together. DOCTOR: We? KALID: Together we shall scourge the entirety of space and time. DOCTOR: You can exclude me from your wizardry. KALID: You cannot resist, Doctor, in this place all things obey Kalid. Come. Look. Vizaan vizaan zanoor minaaz. (Kalid gestures at the globe where Tegan and Nyssa appear.) KALID: You see your friends? Vizaan vizaan! (The image changes to the heart of the citadel with Stapley and Hayter.) KALID: Your Captain Stapley, and his fellow mortal. DOCTOR: Very impressive Kalid, but your incantation is just triggering someone else's energy. You're not in control here, your just as mortal as anyone else. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the heart of the citadel.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I wish the Doctor wouldn't wander off. PROFESSOR HAYTER: I thought you were in charge, Captain Stapley. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I am but I happen to respect his judgment. PROFESSOR HAYTER: You also came here to rescue your crew, or do you need to ask the Doctor's permission first? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Don't provoke me, Professor. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Your crew is in front of you, haven't we wasted enough time? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: All right. (He walks around the shell towards Bilton.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Bilton! ANDREW BILTON: Hello Captain, I've got the Met' report, we'll clear those thunderstorms. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Wake up, Bilton. PROFESSOR HAYTER: You must listen carefully to what I say. ANGELA CLIFFORD: Will you please sit down sir and fasten your seat belt we're about to take off. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Listen to me. ANGELA CLIFFORD: The bar will be open as soon as we're airborne. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We're not at Heathrow. ANDREW BILTON: Oxygen Check. Flight control inverters on. Anti-stall systems on. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Stop it Andrew. No ... ANDREW BILTON: Altimeters checked, navigation radios set. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Professor! ANDREW BILTON: Brakes? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Check. ANDREW BILTON: Throttles? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Idle. ANDREW BILTON: Throttle masters? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Professor! Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 to tower request permission to start engines. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Wake up man! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Concentrate. What about the Doctor, Captain Stapley? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor? The Doctor! And my crew. Bilton! Bilton! Remember what happened at Heathrow? ANDREW BILTON: What's that Captain? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Remember the Doctor. Remember Nyssa and Tegan? Remember? Tegan? ANDREW BILTON: Tegan. Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber.) KALID: Ohhhh. Together with your box, the power will be absolute. We shall command the whole universe. DOCTOR: I have always found domination such an unattractive prospect. KALID: Shall I be forced to compel you, Doctor? DOCTOR: There is no power that will give you control of the TARDIS. (An alarm starts to ring on Kalid's controls. He rushes over to see what is happening.) KALID: Sharaa sharaa kartaan! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to Nyssa and Tegan. The bubbles disappear from Nyssa as Tegan steps backward in alarm. Nyssa falls stiffly to the ground, eyes wide open like a robot. Back again to the heart of the citadel.) ANDREW BILTON: Come on Roger, wake up now, come on. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Look out! (More solid-looking Plasmatons appear inside the citadel chamber and appear to hobble toward Stapley and his men. Back to Nyssa and Tegan.) TEGAN: Nyssa, are you all right? NYSSA: Of course. TEGAN: What happened? NYSSA: The power dissolved, it was needed elsewhere. TEGAN: What are you talking about? NYSSA: I don't know. I keep getting this intuition. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to Kalid's chamber.) KALID: Sharaa sharaa tumaal, nadim. Nadim! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back by the shell the Plasmatons wobble threateningly.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Come on, Roger, you're coming with us! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to Nyssa and Tegan.) KALID: Iznamin. Iznamin. TEGAN: I promised the Doctor we'd get back to Concorde. NYSSA: No! TEGAN: But Nyssa! NYSSA: I must go to the citadel. TEGAN: We'll only get caught. NYSSA: The Doctor's in danger. Kalid! (Tegan looks stupefied as Nyssa runs off. Back to Kalid's chamber, he appears to be summoning a cloud.When the cloud disappears it leaves Stapley, Scobie, Bilton and Hayter standing there.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor! PROFESSOR HAYTER: Who is this man? DOCTOR: Kalid. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Are you responsible for the abduction of my passengers and crew? PROFESSOR HAYTER: Is it you who authorized mass hallucination? KALID: Your questions are irrelevant. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I don't think so! DOCTOR: No! (Kalid waves his hand and Stapley finds he cannot move.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's happening? DOCTOR: He's thrown up a barrier. I did try and warn you. (Nyssa and Tegan are already wandering around inside the citadel.) TEGAN: Where are we going? NYSSA: To help the Doctor. TEGAN: Is this your intuition again? NYSSA: Yes. Can't you feel it too? TEGAN: No! NYSSA: We must find the center, trust me. (They walk on for a bit and come to the end of the tunnel.) TEGAN: Why not. It's a dead end. (The wall slides back revealing an opening.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber.) NYSSA: We must continue. KALID: Freedom of yourselves and your fellow passengers is in the hands of the Doctor. DOCTOR: You're wasting your time, Kalid. KALID: I require the key to the TARDIS. DOCTOR: I've already told you ... (An alarm goes off in background.) KALID: Arogogorah abrao abelatha! (We join Nyssa and Tegan in another fine Papier Mache set, courtesy of the BBC.) TEGAN: Adric! NYSSA: No. Adric's dead! TEGAN: But how can we be sure? ADRIC: Go back, Tegan, or you will destroy me. NYSSA: It's only imagination. It's the only power Kalid has left to stop us. ADRIC: If you advance you will kill me, Nyssa. TEGAN: We can't take that risk. NYSSA: The badge. TEGAN: What? NYSSA: Adric's wearing his badge. TEGAN: But it was shattered when the Doctor destroyed the Cyberleader! NYSSA: Exactly. TEGAN: Come on. ADRIC: Arrrrggggghhhhhh! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber.) KALID: The power must prevent all mortal advance. DOCTOR: Out of bounds, are they, Kalid? KALID: Not even I have dared penetrate the heart of the Citadel! DOCTOR: You mean you've not been able to. KALID: You will watch them suffer for this! Sharam shara, shara sharam! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the tunnel again.) TEGAN: What is it? NYSSA: Melkur. What comes from it killed my father. I don't believe in you! TEGAN: Come on. (Kalid's chamber again.) DOCTOR: Well, Kalid, it seems a power greater than yours is protecting them. KALID: Faraam, nadeeem! (Tunnel again.) TEGAN: You're not real! (They move on and yet another door slides open. Slowly they walk into a dimly lit chamber with an interesting centerpiece. We get the feeling that hey have reached the end of their journey. Back in Kalid's chamber, he's pissed.) KALID: They have entered the sanctum! DOCTOR: t's your powerhouse is it? KALID: Doctor you will give me the key of the TARDIS. DOCTOR: No. KALID: Then you'll see your friends here destroyed, and you yourself annihilated. DOCTOR: don't think so, we've all got quite good at resisting your sorcery. KALID: Sotus saral, sotus mondaru, sato agrowol! ANDREW BILTON: Not again! KALID: You will not resist my command. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: These things have proven themselves harmless! DOCTOR: I'm not so sure about this one. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Aah. It's just a ball of cotton wool. DOCTOR: Kalid is drawing on deeper reserves of power. That thing is bonding itself into something far more dangerous than a plasmaton. KALID: Well, Doctor? DOCTOR: The answer is still no, Kalid. KALID: The TARDIS key, Doctor! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Please Doctor! KALID: Do you really want to see your friends die! (Tegan and Nyssa are in the center, which looks to be made of rich creamery butter. Boy, I could go for a Good Morning Burger right now.) NYSSA: The Doctor ... Help me! (She goes over to some things sticking up from the side of the sanctum and starts doing something. Weird. She must like the crappy sculpture because she wants to take part of it home.) TEGAN: What? NYSSA: Just help me! TEGAN: It won't budge. NYSSA: We must! TEGAN: What are you doing? (Nyssa tosses the big hunk of crap into the IKEA sofa. Back in Kalid's chamber, the creatures that Kalid summoned vanish. Kalid falls to the floor behind his podium. Instead of checking on Kalid, or perhaps attempting to restrain him now that he's momentarily stunned, he ignores him and goes to Stapley and his friends.) DOCTOR: The power is gone. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Look at Kalid! (The man's got one hell of a runny nose.) PROFESSOR HAYTER: There's got to be a perfectly simple orthodox explanation. Bio-energetic powers. Intellectual garbage. DOCTOR: Your won't find what you're looking for. PROFESSOR HAYTER: Won't I? You come and look at this. Psychotronics, was it Doctor? I call it electronics. DOCTOR: I don't understand. THE MASTER: No Doctor you never do understand. (Kalid is rising from the floor, taking off his flapping, snot-covered face to reveal that so he was the Master all the time, aaaah.) THE MASTER: (Laughs) You never do. (Laughs some more)
Plan: A: The Doctor's Tardis vanishes; Q: What happens to the Doctor's Tardis? A: "Kalid; Q: What is the name of the being that the Doctor encounters while tracking down the Tardis? A: events; Q: What does Kalid control? Summary: The Doctor's Tardis vanishes, while tracking it down the Doctor encounters a strange being named "Kalid" who seems to be in control of events.
Scene 1 opens with a teenage couple in a car -- speeding down a dark country lane. The music is blaring and the driver glances over at her sleeping date. Grinning wickedly she reaches over toward his lap. He quickly wakes up. Brad: (smiling): Wha' the hell you doing? Kelly: I'm bored. Brad: You get bored pretty easily. Kelly: (grinning): Only with you, darling. They continue to play around when the boy sees a lit sign on the side of the road. Brad: Holy <snip>! V! Stop! The car screeches to a halt just past a sign reading "WE HAVE TRU BLOOD". They back up and park in the Grabb it Kwik mart parking lot. The scene cuts to inside the store and the television screen. Nan Flanagan, a spokesperson for the American Vampire League is a guest on the Bill Maher show. Nan Flanagan: We're citizens. We pay taxes.We deserve basic civil rights, just like everyone else. Bill Maher: Yeah but... come on. Doesn't your race have a rather sordid history of exploiting and feeding off innocent people? ... For centuries? Nan Flanagan: Three points: Number one, show me documentation. It doesn't exist. Number two, doesn't your race have a history of exploitation? We never owned slaves, Bill, or ... detonated nuclear weapons. And most importantly, point number three, now that the Japanese have perfected synthetic blood which satisfies all of our nutritional needs, there is no reason for anyone to fear us. The clerk behind the counter turns as a stocky man comes in and goes over to the refrigerated case. The clerk looks foreboding -- dressed in black, long black hair, tattoos, wearing a satanic-type necklace and a skeleton ring. Nan Flanagan: I can assure you that every member of our community is now drinking synthetic blood. That's why we decided to make our existence known. We just want to be part of mainstream society. (applause) The entry doorbell sounds -- Kelly and Brad (laughing) enter the store. The clerk stands up behind the counter and stares at them menacingly. Kelly: Hi. Y'all have Tru Blood ...for real. Brad: You get vamps in here? I didn't even think we had any in Louisiana. Clerk(cheesy Dracula accent): You didn't know that New Orleans is a Mecca for the vampire? Brad: Seriously? I mean, New Orleans? Even after Katrina? Didn't they all drown? Clerk: Vampires cannot drown ... because we do not breathe. Kelly and Brad draw back in fright. Brad: Dude, no harm intended. We're just a little drunk. Clerk: Nice. I could uuuse a cocktail! Kelly starts to whimper and cling to Brad, who's scared speechless. Clerk (laughing): Score! I totally had you guys! Kelly (indignant): That wasn't funny. Clerk: Yeah, it was. Brad (grinning) : No, Kelly, that was pretty funny. Stocky Man: I didn't think it was funny. Brad: What? Brad turns quickly around and faces the stocky man who has come up behind them. Brad: We don't care what you think. (turning back to the clerk) Dude, you know where we can score any V-juice? Kelly: Gross! Brad, no! Clerk: How much you need? Kelly: I knew a girl who knew this girl, who did vamp blood during Greek Week ... she like ... clawed her own face off! Brad: Seriously, I can pay good money. Stocky Man: OK ... You two need to leave. Irritated, Brad tuns around and faces the man behind him. Brad: All right. <snip> you, Billy Bob! Stocky Man: <snip> me? I'll <snip> you, boy. I'll <snip> you, and then I'll eat you. Suddenly, the stocky man's fangs snap into view as he stares angrily at Brad and Kelly. Brad quickly grabs Kelly and races out of the store. The vampire turns his attention on the clerk. As he slowly approaches the counter, the clerk backs up in fear. The vampire sets a 4-pack of Tru Blood on the counter and digs out his wallet. Vampire (stocky man): You ever pretend to be one of us again, and I'll kill you. Got it? Clerk: Got it. The vampire grabs his 4-pack, grins and starts to leave. Vampire (stocky man): Have a nice day, now. Cut to opening credits to the tune of "Bad Things" by Jace Everett Scene 2 -- It's night when an old truck drives up to Merlotte's Bar and Grill. Inside Sookie, a waitress, picks up her customer's order and a glass of beer. Lafayette(off-screen): John, check the catfish! As Sookie walks toward a table, we hear what she hears. Man (off-screen): Thank you, baby.You know daddy loves you. Woman (off-screen): I'm sittin' down here, OK? I'm by myself. Sookie sets the beer down at a table where a middle-aged balding man sits alone. Balding Man (thinking) : Just let me have just one beer tonight, Jesus. One beer, that's all I need. And if you just give me the strength to say no to beer number two, then I swear... Sookie moves over to a table where a man and a heavy-set woman are eating and sets down a bottle of ketchup. Heavy-set woman (thinking): ...without a second thought. No sir! Don't you dare gripe about me eatin' fries ...not after what I did for you last night in the bedroom. Which, by the way, was disgusting! Although I kind of enjoyed it. Sookie walks over to another table where a couple and their teenage son are seated. Teenage boy (thinking): Who are these people? ... and what the hell is this music? I feel like I'm trapped in some hillbilly's OxyContin nightmare. I cannot wait to get the hell out of this Podunk town. Sookie(after setting a hamburger platter in front of the teen-aged boy --speaking): Make sure you do, and before it's too late, because every year you wait, you just get more and more stuck here. Believe me, I know. Teenage boy (thinking): How'd she know what I was thinking? That's weird. Did she hear my thoughts? Sookie I'll get y'all some ketchup. Sookie realizes that the couple and teen are looking at her strangely, so she tells them she'll get them some ketchup and walks away. After a few steps, she stops while the combined voices of everyone's thoughts fight to be heard. Closing her eyes in concentration the voices begin to fade away and then eventually stop. Sam is watching her from behind the bar as she smiles and then continues back to the kitchen. Scene 3 -- Super Save-A-Bunch store -- Tara, an employee, is seated in a chair, one leg sprawled over the chair arm, reading a book. A heavy-set woman wearing a loud purple pantsuit walks up to her. Tara: Welcome to Super Save-A-Bunch. Woman:Hi. I'm looking for that thick,translucent plastic sheeting ... the kind they hang in front of the doors of walk-in refrigerators. Tara: Uh ... we don't sell that here. You could try Home Depot. Woman: I tried them already. They sent me here. Tara (sighing): Oh Woman: Now, I cannot believe you don't have that stuff. Oh, I don't even know what it's called! Tara: Sorry. Woman: Well, you're supposed to have everything! Tara: Well, we don't have that stuff ... that you don't even know what it's called! Woman: Your website says that this is the most well-stocked store in five parishes! Now, I just drove over an hour from Marthaville ... Tara closes her book and puts it down. She gets up out of the chair and places her hands on her hips. Tara (snickering): Does our website have a phone number? Woman: Well, I suppose it does, but... Tara: So ... it never occurred to you, before you drove an hour, to pick up the phone and call us, to see if we stocked whatever the hell it is that you're looking for? Woman: Well, I think that if a business chooses to classify itself as ... Tara(raising her voice): Why didn't you just find it on-line and have it delivered to your house? Or were you just looking for an excuse to wear them ugly-ass clothes? Woman (angry): I would like to speak to your manager. Tara: Fine. Tara(screams): Waylon! Tara: Trust me, you are not gettin' me fired! I am quittin'! You were just the <snip> catalyst! ... and for that, I ought to thank you! Woman: You are a very rude young woman! Tara: Oh, this ain't rude. This is uppity! Waylon, Tara's boss, has joined them and was listening to the conversation. Tara hauls off and slaps Waylon across the face. Tara: That's for pattin' my ass too much! I'm goin' get my baby daddy, who just got out of prison, to come and kick your teef in! Waylon: Jesus, Tara. Please don't do any... Tara: Oh, my God! I'm not serious, you pathetic racist! I don't have a baby! Damn! I know y'all have to be stupid, but do you have to be that stupid?! <snip>! <snip> this job! Tara grabs her book and leaves the store. Scene 4 Merlotte's Bar and Grill --Sam is behind the bar and answers the phone. Sam: Evening, Merlotte's. Silence Sam: Hey, Tara. Silence Sam: Yeah, she's right here.(Sam hands the phone to Sookie, who is standing at the end of the bar.) Sookie (hand covering phone): I'm so sorry, Sam. She knows not to call me at work. Sam: Sookie, it's OK. You don't abuse a privilege like Arlene does. Arlene (passing by with a tray): Hey! I heard that. Sam(raises voice): Well, I wish you would hear that! Arlene: Please, Sam. I have kids! Sookie (on phone): This had better be an emergency. Tara (in Super-Save-A-Bunch parking lot):I just quit my job. Sookie: Again? Tara: I can't work for <snip>. Sookie: I'm glad you can afford to be so picky, Miss Say-Hello-To-The-Rest-Of-Us. Tara: Oh! Shut up! Sam is not an <snip> and he's totally in love with you. Sookie: Tara, he is my boss. Tara: Jesus Sookie! You need to lighten up. Sookie: You know I hate it when you use the J word... now I gotta go. Tara: I'm comin' over. I need a margarita ... a big one! Sookie: Bye. Sookie hands the phone back to Sam as Dawn (another waitress) walks up to the bar. Dawn: Mack and Denise Rattray are just about to sit down in your section. Sookie whirls around and sees the couple near a booth. Denise adjusts the bodice of her top while Mack smacks her on the butt. Denise Rattray: What the <snip>?! Sam (addressing Sookie): Don't let 'em get to you, chère. They're not worth it. (Sookie turns and walks toward the booth.) Dawn: Two Tecates, Sam. Mack Rattray (thinking): Hell, there ain't nothing on this menu ain't gonna give me the runs. Damn son of a... Sookie: What can I do for y'all tonight? Mack Rattray (thinking): You can wrap your sweet lips around my slim reaper, that's what you can do. Mack Rattray (speaking): Why don't we just start out with a pitcher of Bud? Mack Rattray (thinking): You can hop aboard the Mack express and ride it all the way to heaven. Sookie: Alrighty. Anything else? Denise Rattray (thinking): What the hell is wrong with her? Denise Rattray (speaking): Onion Rings ... with mustard. Denise Rattray (thinking):God! She's pathetic like a dog that's been kicked too many times,and keeps coming back for more. Sookie:Coming right up. Denise Rattray (speaking to Mack): I think she's retarded. Arlene (at the bar on the phone): Honey, if René tells you you're too young to watch a scary movie on HBO, then I'm siding with him. (Sam walks up behind her, Arlene turns and catches his perturbed look.) Arlene:I know he's not your daddy, but your daddy does not want to live with us anymore. Remember? Sookie (at the kitchen order counter): Onion rings. And if you drop a few of them on the floor ... that's fine with me. Lafayette: Got it. (Lafayette looks over toward Sookie.) Lafayette: Ooh! Sookie! Chicka-chicka-bow-wow! You look like a p0rn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You got a date? Sookie: No! When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips! Lafayette(laughing): Yes, girl, that's it. These damn rednecks are suckers for packaging. Sookie: And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head, but ... if I don't ... they're all scared of me. Lafayette: They ain't scared of you, honey child. They scared of what's between your legs. Sookie: Lafayette! That's nasty talk! I won't listen to that! Arlene (now at the counter with an order -- laughing -- ): Do you even know what's between a woman's legs, Lafayette? Lafayette: I know every man, whether straight, gay, or George <snip> Bush is terrified of the <snip>. Sookie: Lafayette! Dawn (walking up to the counter): Ooh! What are we talking about? Lafayette: <snip>. Arlene (laughing): Hey! Listen, not everybody is gay! OK? Not everybody wants to have s*x with you. Lafayette: You would be surprised, Arlene -- people you know. That's all I'm sayin'. Dawn: Well, I don't wanna have s*x with you. Arlene: Uh uh ...me neither. Lafayette: <snip>! Y'all bitches don't know what you're missin'. I got six gears on these hips. Dawn: No, baby. You don't know what you're missing.You can watch her walk away ... make you wanna slap it? You wanna slap it? (Dawn turns and slaps her butt as she walks away.) Lafayette: Everybody knows that. Everybody been there. Ain't that right? John's been there! Arlene(backing away -- hands under her breasts): Take these, baby. Peaches and cream. Lafayette: I'll give you a little cocoa. Arlene: Peaches and cream. Lafayette: Little cocoa. Ain't that right, John? <snip>. Scene 5 Maudette Pickens' living room. Jason Stackhouse and Maudette are present -- both are naked. Maudette is seated on the sofa, facing the television. Jason is kneeling in front of her. (Seen and heard on TV -- Young man and woman in front seat of vehicle) Man: Look, I'm a pretty nice guy, but I have, like, a little bit of an edge to me. Woman(Balloon window on screen showing what she's thinking): Can we have fun now? Man: Got started at a young age ... started getting into fights... Woman: Really? Man: Used to get into a lot of trouble ... got kicked out of a couple schools, type of thing. Woman: Wow! Man: Yeah, started partying in ... um... high school. Jason (noticing a couple of marks on Maudette's inner thigh): What the <snip> is this?! Maudette: Oh ...it's... just a ... mosquito bite. Jason: You had s*x with a vampire?! Maudette: OK ... once! I went to that vampire bar down in Shreveport. Look. I was broke and he paid me a lot of money. Jason (drawing away and sitting down): You a hooker, Maudette? 'Cause I don't pay for it! Never have -- never will! Maudette: Well, I don't charge for it, neither! He offered me a thousand dollars to bite me! What was I gonna do? Say no to a thousand bucks?! Jason: What was it like? Maudette: Scary. Jason: You know, I read in Hustler ... everybody should have s*x with a vampire at least once before they die. Maudette: Once was enough for me. He was way too rough! I mean, I like to be rough ... sometimes. But ... Jason: You like it rough? Maudette: Yeah ... why not? You know, it's not like it's gonna kill me ... and if it does? Well, then, I won't care ... will I? Jason (making a move to get dressed and leave): Right. Well...uh ... Maudette (quickly leaning forward): I videotaped it. Jason: What? Maudette (grins): With the vampire. You wanna watch? Hmm? (Jason grins and tosses his pants aside.) Scene 6 Merlotte's Bar and Grill -- Tara is sitting at the bar, staring into her margarita. Sookie walks up and sets down a tray. Tara: My life sucks. Sookie: Tara, don't you be feeling sorry for yourself. That's just lazy. Tara: Why can't I keep a job? Sookie: Maybe because you can't keep your mouth shut. Tara: Bitch, who asked you?! (Then Tara winks at Sookie and smiles.) Sam (walking over to Tara and Sookie): How you doing, Sookie? Sookie: I've had better nights. Sam: Anything I can do to improve this one for you? Sookie opens her eyes wide and stares at Sam. In the awkward silence that follows, Sookie's attention is drawn away from Sam and Tara. She turns and watches a dark-haired stranger walk toward a booth backing up to the Rattray's booth. He sits down and then raises his eyes toward Sookie. They stare at each other for what seems like a long time and then Sookie quickly turns back around toward Sam and Tara. Sookie(excited): Oh, my God! I think Merlotte's just got its first vampire! Sam: I think you're right. Sookie: Can you believe it?! Right here, in Bon Temps?! I've been waiting for this to happen since they came out of the coffin two years ago! (Sookie hurries over to the stranger's booth.) Sookie(grinning):Hi, and what... what can I get for you tonight? Bill: Do you have any of that synthetic bottled blood? Sookie: No, I'm ... I'm so sorry. Sam got some a year ago, but nobody ever ordered it, so it went bad ... you're our first ... (whispers) vampire. (Mack Rattray, seated directly behind Bill, turns his head at the mention of "vampire" and starts eavesdropping.) Bill: Am I that obvious? Sookie: I knew the minute you came in. (Sookie turns around and then back to Bill) I can't believe nobody else around here seems to. Bill (nods toward Sam): He does. Sookie (glances back, sees Sam nod, then she looks back at Bill): Oh! Don't worry about Sam! He's cool. I know for a fact he supports the Vampire Rights Amendment. Bill: How progressive of him. Sookie: Well ... anything else ... you drink? Bill: Actually, no. But you can get me a glass of red wine so I have a reason to be here. Sookie: Well ... whatever the reason ... I'm glad you are. Mack Rattray (turns and gets up): Don't mind Sookie none, mister. She's crazy as a bedbug. Sookie: I'll just get your wine for you. (Sookie gives Mack Rattray a scathing look, then starts back to the bar.) Mack Rattray: My name's Mack Rattray and this here's my wife, Denise. Denise Rattray: Hello! Bill: Good evening. Scene 7 Maudette Pickens living room -- Both Maudette and Jason are naked. Jason is sitting on the sofa, facing the TV and Maudette is kneeling in front of him. The video of Maudette and a tattooed, bald-headed vampire, having s*x is playing on the TV. Jason rears back against the sofa and looking up at the ceiling, sees the hook chained to a rafter that Maudette's upraised arms were tied to in the video. Scene 8 Merlotte's Bar and Grill -- Denise Rattray is pressed up next to Bill (more or less throwing herself at him) and Mack Rattray is sitting across from them. Sookie is watching them as she stands next to Tara at the bar. Sam is behind the bar, and listening in on Tara and Sookie's conversation. Sookie: What a bitch! You ... really think that ... she's gonna let him bite her? Tara: You know how many people are having s*x with vampires these days? Sometimes those people ... disappear. Sookie: No. He's not like that. Tara: OK, OK, you spoke to him for, like, a minute! You don't know how many people he sucked the blood out over the last however many centuries he's been alive! Sookie: But he's so not scary. Tara: Sweet Jesus in heaven, Sookie! He is a vampire! Sookie: Yeah, but the synthetic blood has everything... Sam: Are you willing to pass up all your favorite foods and spend the rest of your life drinking Slim-Fast? (Sookie rolls her eyes at Tara. Over at Bill's table Denise Rattray is rubbing Bill's shoulder, while he just stares straight ahead with an dark look on his face.) Denise Rattray: I mean, people have always discriminated against me. Mack Rattray (laughing): Oh, boy, have they ever. Denise Rattray: And just because I never felt like being what society wanted me to be, you know? Mack Rattray: Me neither ... me neither. Denise Rattray: So we know what it's been like for you. Sookie (arriving back at the booth): Can I get y'all anything else? Denise Rattray (thinking): He's not that big but he's still probably got 11 or 12 pints in him. Holy<snip>! That's almost 200 ounces! I bet we could get 500 an ounce in Dallas. <snip> me! That's $10,000! Sweet Jesus! Sookie: I'm gonna bring y'all a free round of beer, OK?! Mack Rattray (thinking): What the hell is your problem, dimwitted... Sookie (to Bill): Don't you go anywhere! Mack Rattray (thinking): I guess you are retarded! Just like everybody says you are. (Sookie hurries back to the hallway and grabs Tara's arm.) Sookie: Tara! Tara, we have to stop them! Tara: Stop who? Why? Sookie: The Rattrays! They're gonna drain him and sell his blood! We have to stop them! Tara(pulling her arm away): No, we do not! We don't have to get anywhere near that vampire! Sookie: Tara, I am very disappointed in you and your small-mindedness. Sam: Sookie! Vampire can take care of himself. I promise you. Sookie (turning around and seeing the empty booth): <snip>! (Sookie drops her apron and runs outside.) Sam:Tara, you know how to tend bar? Tara: No. Sam(hands Tara his bar apron on his way out): Fake it. Tara: <snip>! Sookie runs outside and into the parking lot. She looks around but sees no one. Standing very still, she closes her eyes and concentrates. Soon she begins to hear voices. Denise Rattray: Look at this. This is so thick. Damn, this is gonna bring a pretty penny! We should keep some for ourselves. If Mack freaks out on me again, I am so through with him. Opening her eyes, Sookie looks down the road and begins to move toward the sound of Denise Rattray's "voice". She spies a heavy chain in the back of a truck and quietly picks it up. Then she moves slowly forward. Scene 9 Maudette Pickens house -- Maudette's wrists are bound and tethered to the hook, chained to the rafters. Jason and Maudette engage in s*x which appears to be a re-enactment of Maudette's session with the tattooed and bald vampire. There's a video camera discreetly placed on the bookshelf. Jason: You like this? Jason: Being punished? Jason: You're a sick little vampire <snip>! Jason: You like that, Pickens? Jason: You look at me. Jason: You let a dead man <snip> you? Jason: <snip> disgust me! Jason: It's too bad I don't have fangs, huh? Jason: Rip your <snip> throat out. (Jason's hands close around Maudette's neck. She struggles to breathe as his grip gets tighter.) Scene 10 The Rattrays have Bill down on the side of the road. He's being restrained while Denise, using a needle and blood pouches, drains him of his vampire blood. Mack Rattray: Hurry! Denise Rattray: We should've taken him home! Mack Rattray: Too dangerous. Where are we gonna hide a dead vampire in our trailer? Denise Rattray: Well, at least we wouldn't be out in the <snip> open like this! Mack Rattray: I just need some V-juice and I need it bad! My body is starting to hurt and I just need to get it in me! Denise Rattray: <snip> it, Mack, you're a <snip> drug addict, do you know that? Mack Rattray: Woman, would you just shut the <snip> up?! Sometimes, when you talk, this is what I hear: A-yada-yada-yada... (Sookie has quietly approached behind Mack and hits him hard on the back with the chain. He cries out in pain and falls to the ground. He gets up and draws a knife.) Mack Rattray: You crazy bitch! Sookie dodges as Mack lunges at her with his knife. Seizing an opening, Sookie lashes out with the chain and wraps it around Mack's throat. Gasping for air and clutching at the chain, Mack sinks down to the ground. Sookie quickly picks up the knife as Denise starts for her. Holding the knife out in front of her, Sookie stops Denise in her tracks. Denise Rattray: This ain't your business, you stupid <snip>! Sookie: Now, see, that just proves how low-rent you really are. Denise Rattray: You have any idea who you're messing with? You don't wanna be on my bad side! Sookie: I'm not so sure you even have another side, you no-account, backwoods trash! (Denise backs off, then rushes over to Bill to get the bags of blood.) Sookie(threatening with the knife) : Do not even think about taking that blood! Denise Rattray: I will kill you for this. Sookie: Get out! (Sookie takes a step forward and thrusts the knife toward Denise.) Sookie: Now! Denise Rattray: Come on, Mack. (Denise grabs Mack and pulls him along.) Denise Rattray: This ain't over! Denise Rattray (to Mack): Come on. Get up, Mack! Why can't you take that <snip> thing off? I ain't got time for a <snip> cripple! ...because I'm getting out of here one way or the other. Mack Rattray (as he staggers after Denise): Wait! ... You... how else am I gonna... Sookie quickly moves over to Bill and kneels down beside him. She gently removes the silver chain that restrains him. As the silver chain is lifted, it painfully takes Bill's skin with it. Sookie watches in amazement as Bill's wounds heal in front of her eyes. Sookie: Shut ... up! (Suddenly a car barrels down on them, Sookie grabs Bill under the arms and yells, "Quick with your feet!" Bill manages to move his legs as Sookie pulls him from the road!) Denise Rattray (from the passing car): I'm gonna get you, bitch! (Sookie manages to drag Bill further into the trees and leans him back against a broad sturdy trunk) Sookie: Oh, bless your heart. I am so sorry I didn't get here faster. You'll be OK in a minute, right? (Bill just stares at her.) Sookie: Do you want me to leave? Bill: No. They might come back and I can't fight yet. (A dog begins to bark and runs up to Sookie.) Sookie: Oh! Hey, there, dog. (Sookie giggles as the dog licks her face. Then it barks at Bill several times before running off into the woods.) Bill: He's checkin' on you. Sookie: That's just some old dog that hangs around the bar sometimes. He must live nearby. Bill: Oh, no doubt. (Sookie starts to remove the thin plastic tubing wrapped around Bill's arm, but he quickly pulls his arm away.) Sookie: I reckon you're not too happy about being rescued by a woman. Bill(removing the tourniquet): Thank you. Sookie (after attempting to hear Bill's thoughts): I can't hear you. Bill(louder): Thank you. (Excited, Sookie kneels down in front of Bill and holds his head between her hands.) Sookie: No, no, no. I can hear you, but I can't... Sookie(softly in wonder): Oh, my stars. Bill: Aren't you afraid to be out here alone with a hungry vampire? Sookie: No. Bill:Vampires often turn on those who trust them, you know. We don't have human values like you. Sookie(getting up and moving a few steps away): A lot of humans turn on those who trust them too. (Sookie removes the long silver chain from her pocket and drapes it around her neck and shoulders.) Sookie: I'm not a total fool. Bill: Oh, but you have other very juicy arteries. There's one in the groin that's a particular favorite of mine. Sookie: Hey! You just shut your nasty mouth, mister! You might be a vampire, but when you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady that I am! Bill: You wanna drink the blood they collected? Sookie: No! Bill: I understand it makes humans feel more healthy ... improves their s*x life. Sookie: I'm as healthy as a horse. And I have no s*x life to speak of, so... You can just keep it. Bill:You could always sell it. Sookie: I wouldn't touch it. (With lightning speed, Bill gets up, moves over toward Sookie, and kneels down in front of her, face within inches of Sookie's.) Bill: What are you? Sookie: Well ... I'm ... I'm ... I'm Sookie Stackhouse and I'm a waitress. What's your name? Bill: Bill Sookie(laughing): Bill? I thought it might be Antoine or Basil or... or, heh... or, like, Langford, maybe... but ... Bill? ... Vampire Bill! Oh, my! Sookie (growing more serious): So...silver, huh? I thought that only affected werewolves. I... I... I'm not implying that werewolves exist. I mean, that's just what you always see in the movies. Bill: I'd appreciate it if you didn't share this information with anyone. We don't like for our weaknesses to be made public knowledge. Sookie(nods): Oh! OK. (Sookie stirs and both she and Bill stand up.) Sookie: Well ... see ya, Bill. I gotta get back to work. (Sookie walks back through the parking lot to Merlotte's.) Sam: Sookie! Thank God! You OK? Sookie: I'm fine. And, for your information, not all vampires can take care of themselves. Sookie walks away and enters the restaurant, leaving Sam to stare into the the dark night. Scene 11 Inside Merlotte's Bar and Grill Arlene(sighs): Night, Sam. Sam(back to Arlene): Night. Arlene: Night, Tara. Tara: Night. Sam (joins Tara at the bar):Thanks for helping me out tonight, Tara. Tara: How much you gonna pay me? Sam: Uh ... 20 bucks? Tara: Sam, ... how do you expect me to work here for 20 bucks a night? Sam: I don't expect you to work here and you only covered tonight for what, an hour at the most? Tara: Yeah, but Sam. If I did work here ... Sam: It'd be a matter of time before you went off on somebody. I don't wanna drive my customers away. Tara: I only go off on stupid people. Sam: Most of my customers are stupid people. Tara: Yeah, but...I could help you keep an eye on Sookie. You see the way she was looking at that vampire? That is just trouble looking for a place to happen. She means too much to both of us to let anything happen to her. Sam: Be here tomorrow at 6. And learn this on your own! I don't have time to train you. (Sam hands Tara a bar-tending book.) Tara: Sam, I was mixing whiskey sours for my mama when I was in first grade. It's just like ridin' a bicycle. Sam: That's <snip> up. Tara: You think? ... my mama crazy. Sam: Damn, girl. (Jason Stackhouse enters the bar.) Jason: Hey, Sam, is my sister here? Sam (walking away): No, Sookie already went home. Tara (as Jason sits down in front of her): Hi Jason. Jason: Hey. Tara: Uh ... My name is Tara. I've been your sister's best friend since kindergarten? I used to sleep over at your house for, like, years. Jason: I know who you are. Tara: You better know who I am! (Dawn walks over toward the bar.) Dawn: Hello, stranger (Jason turns around and sees Dawn.) Jason: Hey! Dawn ... come here. (They put their arms around each other as a not-too-happy Tara looks on.) Jason: Look at you. You look great. How you been? Dawn: Fine. Partyin'. Jason: So you ain't mad at me? Dawn: Why would I be mad at you? Jason: Well, for not calling. You know ... the usual. Dawn: Jason! Baby! I ain't got no expectations of you. I'm not an idiot. Jason: Hey, what time do you get off work? Dawn: Well, I don't know. Oh ... right now. Jason: You want to go somewhere? Dawn: Well, yeah, I do. I want to go home. (Dawn starts laughing, turns and walks toward the door.) Dawn: Good night, Tara. Tara: Oh, my God. You are a gigantic parody of yourself and you don't even know it! Jason (Jason drops money on the bar and takes off after Dawn): Great seeing you, Tara, good luck. Tara: "Good luck"?! Good luck with what?! <snip>! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 12 -- The home of Adele (Hale) Stackhouse aka "Gran" -- Sookie and Jason's grandmother. Sookie arrives home and finds her grandmother waiting up for her. Gran is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book and holding Sookie's pet cat, Tina. Sookie: Hey, Gran. Gran: Hi, honey. Sookie: Guess what happened tonight? Gran: You got a date! Sookie: Um ... no. A vampire came into the bar! Gran (gasps): Did he have fangs? Sookie: Yeah, but most of the time they stayed put away. Gran: Did he bite anybody? Sookie: No. Uh ... he just had a glass of wine. Well, he ordered it, but didn't drink it. I think he just wanted some company. Gran: Did you like him? Sookie: He was ... real interesting. (Gran gives Sookie a knowing look.) Sookie: I'll let you get to bed. Gran: OK, honey, I just ... stayed up until you got here. Sookie: Come on, Tina. (Gran laughs as the cat meows and follows Sookie.) Later that night, Sookie is sleeping. A dog barks in the distance and wakes Sookie. The continued barking draws her to the open bedroom window. She gazes down at Bill, standing there, staring up at her window. Sookie puts on her robe and hurries out of the house to meet up with Bill. She runs to the side of the house, but doesn't see Bill anywhere. She turns completely around and suddenly, there he is right behind her! She whirls around and faces him. Sookie (breathlessly): Hello. (Bill doesn't say a word, he just starts unbuttoning his shirt.) Sookie: I never thought I would be having s*x with you. (Bill removes his shirt.) Sookie: At least ... not so fast. (Sookie starts to remove her robe.) Bill: Who said anything about s*x? (Then Bill opens his mouth revealing his fangs!) (Sookie wakes with a start! She sits up in bed, thinks briefly, then flops back down on her pillow.) Scene 13 -- The home of Adele (Hale) Stackhouse aka "Gran" and Sookie, her granddaughter. Sookie is sunbathing when her brother, Jason, pulls up in his pick-up truck. He quickly gets out and strides over to Sookie. Jason: Hey! How come you didn't tell me you beat up the Rattrays last night? Sookie: I haven't even seen you since then. Jason: Where's Gran? Sookie: Hanging the laundry out back -- and you keep your voice down. I don't want her to know about any of this. Jason: Fortenberry couldn't wait till I got to work this morning to tell me all about it! Sookie: Hoyt Fortenberry? How the heck does he know? Jason: He went over to the Rats last night to buy some weed. And Denise drove up like she wanted to kill somebody she was so mad. The only way she would sell him any weed was if he would drive Mack to the hospital in Monroe. Sookie: Uh huh! Well, did Hoyt tell you that Mack came after me with a knife? Jason: <snip>! You want me to kick his ass? Sookie: I already took care of that, thank you. Jason: What are you doing messing with him anyway? Sookie: Well, did you know that in addition to dealing drugs, that the Rats also happen to be vampire drainers?! Yep! One of my customers last night was a vampire, and they were draining him out in the parking lot. I couldn't have that. Jason: Sookie, you do not want to get mixed up with vampires. Trust me! Sookie: Oh, shut up! Even if you hate vampires, you can't let trash like the Rats go and drain them. It's not like siphoning gas out of a car. They would have left him in the woods to die. Jason: Who <snip> cares? He's already dead. Sookie: That's not his fault. Jason: What did he look like? Sookie: Handsome ... in a sort of... sort of old-fashioned, like from a movie on TCM. Jason: Was he bald-headed? Sookie: No. He had really nice hair. Jason: Tattoos? Sookie: None that I could see. Gran (carrying a laundry basket walks toward Jason and Sookie): Jason! Jason: Gran! Gran: Sakes alive, boy, where have you been keeping yourself? You get on over here and hug my neck. Jason: You get here, Gran. How's my girl? Gran: You're all sweaty. Jason: I know. Gran: You want some ice tea? Jason: I would love some ice tea. Gran laughs Jason (off-camera): Here, I got it. Scene 14 -- The home of Adele (Hale) Stackhouse aka "Gran" and Sookie, her granddaughter. Jason and Sookie are sitting at the kitchen table, finishing lunch. Gran is in the other room on the telephone. Jason (as he spears some food on Sookie's plate): Want the rest of that? Sookie: Yes! Jason: Thank you. If you're gonna wear that suit, you might want to start watchin' what you eat. (Sookie laughs at Jason's teasing) Jason: You look nice. Gran: That was Evalee Mason. Guess who was found strangled to death in her apartment. Maudette Pickens! Sookie: Oh, my Lord. Gran: She didn't show up for work ... wasn't answering her phone and so her boss called Bud Dearborne. He rode over, got the manager to let him in, and they found her. Sookie: I went to high school with Maudette. Gran: Can you believe it? A murder in Bon Temps. Jason: Well, why are you surprised? ... now that we got ourselves a vampire. Sookie: Just because he's a vampire doesn't mean he's a murderer! Jason: Ah come on! Fang-bangers go missing all the time in Shreveport ... New Orleans! They never find them but everybody knows the vampires are killing them and disposing of the bodies! Gran: What's a fang-banger? Sookie: A vampire groupie. Men and women who like to get bitten. Gran: My stars! Sookie: Maudette was a fang-banger?! How do you know that? Jason (upset): I don't know, Sookie! ... the way that you just know things sometimes! (Jason slams his fist on the table and then gets up and crosses over to the sink and places his dishes down.) Jason (calmer): There's also ... hookers ... who specialize in vampires. They drink Tru Blood to keep their supply up, and they keep a bodyguard there in case the vamp gets a little too frisky. (Gran and Sookie stare at him in stunned silence.) Jason (shrugging): I read that in a magazine. Gran: Wonder how much one would charge for something like that?! Jason: A thousand bucks. Sookie: See, now that just makes me sick. Gran: I know. What kind of cheap woman could ever do something like that? Sookie: No, it makes me sick that they're gettin' a thousand bucks to lay there and do nothin' while I bust my ass for 10 bucks an hour plus tips. Jason: Oh, I don't think they just ... lay there. I think they're expected to ... you know, participate. Sookie: Ewww! Jason: Well, um ... thanks for lunch, Gran. (Jason leaves the kitchen. Sookie runs after him and grabs his shoulders, turning him around to face her.) Jason: What? (Silence) Jason: What?! (Sookie takes Jason's head between her hands and stares at him intently.) Jason (thinking): This can't be happening to me! How could I lose control like that?! How come she... Jason (speaking): Don't try that with me, <snip> it! I'm your brother! Jason (under his breath as he leaves): Back to work. Scene 15 -- Jason is back at work at a construction site. He's sitting in a lounge chair on the phone while the crew is working on the road. Lafayette, Hoyt and René are among his fellow workers. Jason: Please? (Silence) Jason: Come on, Dawn, I'm having a really bad day. Dawn (shaving her legs in her bathroom): That is not my responsibility. Jason (over the phone): Didn't we have a good time? Jason (at work): And don't you want to have that again? Dawn: I'm sorry to break it to you, baby ... but you are not my only source for a good time. Jason: No, but ... I ... am ... the best one. Dawn: Oh, my God, you're so full of <snip>! Jason (over the phone - laughing) : But I'm hot. Dawn: So am I. Jason: Yeah, I know, I know. (Jason glances over at a police car pulling up to the site.) Jason: That's why I'm on the phone with you. Dawn: Oh, all right, I give up. You can meet me after work. Jason: I gotta go. I'll call you back. (Jason hangs up the phone as Sheriff Bud Dearborne and Andy Bellefleur approach him.) Jason (standing up): Hey! Sheriff Dearborne. Jason (patting Andy Bellefleur on the shoulder): Andy! Sheriff Bud Dearborne: Afternoon, Jason. Jason: There something I can help you with? Sheriff Bud Dearborne: You know Maudette Pickens? Jason: Yeah, sure, I know her. I buy stuff at the Grabbit Kwik. She works there during the day. Andy Bellefleur: How would you characterize your relationship with Maudette? Jason: Relationship? I didn't have a relationship with her. I barely even knew her. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: So you're aware she was murdered last night? Jason: Uh ... no. Wow! ... I mean ... yeah! ... yeah ... I did know that. My grandmother told me at lunch. Somebody called her. (The scene switches over to the men working -- Lafayette watching in the background.) René (to Hoyt): Hey, what's up with Jason and the law? Hoyt: Maybe they think he knows something about Maudette. (Back to Jason and the law) Andy Bellefleur: You ever visit Maudette at her apartment? Jason: Me? No. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: Ever?! Jason: No! Boys, I could do a lot better than Maudette Pickens, believe me. (All three men laugh.) Andy Bellefleur: You weren't there last night? Jason: Last night ... uh ... (Jason stares off in space as if deep in thought.) Jason: OK, yeah! I was there last night. Andy Bellefleur: Yeah. Then why didn't you say so? Jason: What? Andy Bellefleur: Then why didn't you say so?! Jason: Because I know she got killed, and I thought it would look bad me having been at her place. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: Well, it does look bad, Jason. Andy Bellefleur: It looks real bad. Jason: OK, look. I hooked up with Maudette last night, we had s*x. That's all! Andy Bellefleur: How would you characterize the s*x? Jason: Uh ... it was OK. Andy Bellefleur: Nothing out of the ordinary? Jason: Well ... uh ... Andy Bellefleur: Because we've already seen the videotape! (There's a long silence as Jason closes his eyes.) Andy Bellefleur: You didn't know she was taping it? Jason: No ... but I should have. Sheriff Bud Dearborne: You need to come with us, Jason. Jason: Um ... just let me tell René to take over. I'll be right back. (Jason walks away.) Andy Bellefleur (under his breath to Sheriff Dearborne): I hate that little <snip>. Jason: Hey René! I gotta go into town for a while. You'll take over? René: Yeah, yeah. Everything all right? Jason: Yeah! No, it's nothing to worry about. Every thing's fine. Don't ... tell my sister. OK? Hoyt (as Jason walks away): Hey ... what'd you do, Jason? (Jason hesitates as if to turn around and answer Hoyt, but decides against it and continues on over to the Sheriff and Andy) René: What the <snip>, huh? Scene 16 -- Sookie's bedroom at Gran and Sookie's house -- Sookie is sitting in front of her vanity putting make-up on when Gran knocks on the door and comes in. Sookie: What's up, Gran? Gran (sighs and sits down next to Sookie): Oh ... I was just wonderin' how old you think the vampire is -- the one you met last night. Sookie: I have no idea. Why? Gran: You think he might remember the war? Sookie: The Civil War? (Gran nods) Sookie: Could be. Gran: Oh! If he does, I would love to have him come speak to the Descendants of the Glorious Dead. You think he might want to? Sookie: I think he might have a hard time showing up at the public library at noon on a Thursday. Gran: Oh! We could have a special meeting at night, or he could just come talk to me and I could tape his recollections. I am sure the other members would find it so interesting. Sookie: I'll ask him next time he comes in to Merlotte's. If he comes in. (Gran is thrilled and gives Sookie a kiss.) Scene 17 Merlotte's Bar and Grill -- René and Hoyt are shooting pool, while Arlene (off of work) is cheering them on. René is taking his shot. Hoyt: For all the beans! (René misses and stares solemnly at the table.) Arlene: Oh, baby! Hoyt (laughing):Oh, baby! Arlene (laughing):You can do better than that. Hoyt (as he gets up for his turn): Oh, baby. Tara is sitting at the bar with one leg propped up on it, reading a book. A big old man in a muscle shirt and overalls sits down at the bar and looks expectantly at Tara, who ignores him and continues reading her book. Lafayette (getting a drink from the bar) : Hey! Koo ... Koo. How you doin'? What you doin' here? Tara: I work here. Lafayette: Oh no the hell you don't! Tara: Oh yes, the hell I do too, you ugly bitch. You need to make peace with that. Lafayette: <snip>! Sam must have lost his damn mind, because you should not be allowed to work in no situation where you actually got to interact with people. Tara: That is so not true. (The good old boy in the muscle shirt and overalls snaps his fingers and gestures for a drink.) Tara (angry-jumps up): Uh uh! You do not snap at me! I have a name! And that name is Tara. (Tara glances at Lafayette and laughs.) Tara (to the good old boy): And isn't that funny? Black girl being named after a plantation. (Good old boy laughs.) Tara: No, I don't think it's funny at all. In fact, it really <snip> me off that my mama was either stupid or just plain mean! Which is why you better be nice if you plan on getting a drink tonight. Good old boy: Sorry, ma'am. Tara: OK (Tara gets the good old boy a drink.) Lafayette: Hey! Do you know if Sookie found out anything about her brother getting arrested this afternoon? Tara: Jason got arrested? For what? Lafayette: I ain't sure, but Maudette Pickens did get found murdered. Tara: Are you serious? Jason couldn't kill anybody. And he can do a hell of a lot better than Maudette Pickens. Lafayette: Look at you. You still got a thing for him. Tara: I do not. That boy's too damn stuck-up for me. Lafayette: That boy is s*x on a stick. I don't give a good damn how stuck-up he is. Lafayette (to the good old boy): How you doin'? Tara: Look at you ... scaring that white boy. Lafayette: Ain't nobody scaring him. He too big to be scared. I likes a big man. Look at that belly. Tara: Don't you have something to fry? Lafayette (to the good old boy): You can be my Santa Claus. Lafayette (leaving on his way to the kitchen): I'll see you later. I'm in the phone book. Scene 18 Merlotte's Bar and Grill -- Sookie is in the back room talking to Dawn when Lafayette walks in. Sookie: Arrested?! For what?! Dawn: I don't know. Lafayette: Sook ... sorry about your brother. Sookie: How come everybody knew about this before I did? Lafayette: Well, I was there, baby girl. I saw him get carted away. Dawn: And I was complaining to Arlene about Jason hanging up on me when we were making a date, not calling me back, and that's when she told me. Sookie: Arlene? How does she know? Dawn: Well, I guess René told her. Besides, we figured you'd just... Sookie: I just what? Dawn: Sweetie, didn't you just know already? Sookie: I am not... psychic! (Sookie storms out of the back room on her way over to the pool table.) Hoyt: Damn! You suck, René. René: Quiet you. Arlene (laughing): I cannot believe I am here on my night off. Just pourin' my hard earned money back into Sam Merlotte's pocket. Sookie (arriving): What happened to my brother, René?! René: Ahhh ... ah hell! I promised him I wasn't going to tell ya-you. Sookie: What happened? Hoyt: Oh ... uh ... well ... ah ... Bud Dearborne and Andy Bellefleur, uh... they asked him some questions, and then they just threw him in the back of the squad car. Sookie: So you don't even know for a fact that they arrested him? René: Well they ... they didn't cuff him or nothin'. Arlene: Sookie, I am so sorry. Sookie: For what?! Y'all are already actin' like Jason's been convicted of killin' Maudette, and we don't even know what they were talkin' to him about. Bud Dearborne just made a mistake! That's all. Hoyt: Yeah, yeah it has to be, because Jason's a real stand-up guy. Sookie: No, he's not, Hoyt. He is selfish, egotistical, and a complete horn-dog, but he is not a killer! Sookie looks a little puzzled and seems to feel something. She slowly turns her head and looks back. Bill is standing quietly next to a table in the dining section. Bill slowly sits down. Sookie and Bill lock eyes as Sookie begins to slowly walk toward him. As she walks across the room, she hears the babble of other customer's thoughts, some of which rise to the surface. Tara (thinking): Now, just look at that, like she's walking down the aisle on her <snip> wedding day. Honey, just 'cause a guy... Arlene (speaking): It's that vampire. Sam (thinking): He's got her in his sights. I need to protect her. Woman in booth (thinking): That's that vampire she saved last night. Unknown voice (thinking): Sookie, please do not... Bill (speaking): Good evening, Miss Stackhouse. Older man with glasses (thinking): It ain't right, him being here with normal people. I hope she ... (Sookie sits down at the table with Bill.) Woman customer (thinking): I always thought she was nice, but I just wonder what kind of a good Christian girl would even look at a vampire... Man in booth (thinking): I don't think he looks that kind of scary to me. Lafayette (thinking): Looks like she likes 'em tall, dark, and dead... Dawn (thinking as she sees Bill and Sookie): Who is that? ... and why isn't he talking to me? Unseen man (thinking): Stackhouse family ain't nothing but trash. Bill extends his hand. Sookie slowly places her hand in his. As Bill closes his fingers around Sookie's hand, all the voices stop and a soothing silence wraps itself around Sookie. She closes her eyes and silently revels in the silence. She opens her eyes and smiles at Bill. Sookie: Your hand is cool. Bill: Yes... uh ... I'm afraid I'm not as warm as the men that you must be accustomed to. Sookie (laughing softly): What men? (Sookie slowly withdraws her hand from Bill's. ) Sookie: What can I get for you tonight? Bill (in wonder): What are you? Sookie: I told you. I'm a waitress. Bill: No ... you're something more'n that. You're something more than human. Sookie: I beg your pardon? Bill: Sookie ... that's an unusual name ... Sookie. Is it short for something else? Sookie: Nope. Just ... just plain Sookie. Bill: May I call on you sometime? Sookie: Call on me? Bill: Um ... may I come and visit with you at your home? Sookie: Sure. My grandmother would love to meet you. Oh! That reminds me. Can I talk to you after work? I have a favor to ask you. Bill (withdraws a little): Of course. After all, I am in your debt. Sookie: Not a favor for me -- for my grandmother. If, if you'll be up... well, I guess you will be. Would you mind meetin' me around the back of the bar when I get off at... probably around 1:30? Bill: I'd be delighted. Do you realize that every person in this establishment is staring at us right now? (Sookie looks slowly around and sees that everyone is indeed staring silently at them.) Sookie: Oh, they're just starin' at me because... my brother's in some kind of trouble with the police. Uh ...but Bill, did you know Maudette Pickens? Bill: I did not. They are staring at us because I am a vampire. And you... are mortal. Sookie: Who cares what they think? Bill: Well, I want to make this town my home, so... I do. I'll see you at 1:30. (Bill gets up and leaves. As she stares after him, the thoughts of the other customers once again find their way to Sookie.) Arlene (thinking): Run away as fast as your legs can take you. Man drinking beer (thinking): I guess... this is wrong. It's wrong. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I just want to watch them do it. Damn! Woman customer (thinking): He hypnotized her. I heard they can do that just by looking at you. Female voice (thinking): I wonder if she's gonna let him bite her? I'm telling Reverend... (As Tara watches, Sam rushes over to the table and grabbing Sookie by the arm, leads her into the "employee only" area. Dawn follows them.) Sam: Sookie, You're being a very stupid girl! Sookie: Who asked you?! I, I can take care of myself! Sam: I don't think so! Mack could have cut you up last night! Sookie: How do you know what he'd have done?! (Sam pushes Sookie into his office and closes the door.) Sam: Now, you settin' up a date with a vampire?! What do you have, a death wish?! Sookie: No, I don't have a death wish! I just happen to think judging an entire group of people based on the actions of a few individuals within that group is morally wrong! Sam: Well, I will not let you put yourself or this bar in danger! I won't! Sookie: Am, am I fired? Sam: No! But next time you think somebody's being harmed in the parking lot, pick up the phone and call the police! Do not go out there alone like a <snip> vigilante! Sam (sighs) : Oh, chère. (Sookie starts to cry and Sam takes her in his arms to comfort her.) Sam: Don't you know I couldn't stand to lose you? Sam (thinking): Feels so warm, I can't help it. I want you. Damn! You smell so good. I love the way you smell. I love you Sookie and I always have. I want to tell you the truth... (Hearing these thoughts, Sookie slowly draws back from Sam's embrace just as Tara barges into the room.) Tara: Are you out of your ever-loving mind?! That vampire wants you for dinner. Sookie: I just ... Tara: Well, I won't let you just walk into his trap! No ma'am! -- over my dead body! You mean too much to me. Tara(thinking): Don't you look at me like that when I'm only looking out for you. I never noticed how much, you and Jason have the same eyes. Such sweet eyes. He could never kill anybody. Sookie: Oh, for heaven's sakes,Tara! Jason is never going to care about you the way you care about him! Tara: What the <snip> you...? You made a promise! You stay out of my head! (Sam and Tara's thoughts start coming at Sookie at the same time.) Sam (thinking): Sookie ... I know how hard for her it's got to be... Tara (thinking): Promise me you never do that again ... maybe Jason will get shook up by this whole Maudette business ... Sookie (shouting): Oh just shut up, the both of you, and stop bossing me around! I am a grown woman and I am the one who decides what I do, not either one of you. (Sookie pushes past both of them and leaves the room. Tara starts to go after her but Sam pulls her back.) Scene 19 Merlotte's Bar and Grill Parking Lot -- It's closing time as Merlotte's light goes off. Sookie comes out the door and looks around. She doesn't see Bill. Sam leaves the building by another door and walks over to Sookie. Sam: Sookie. Sookie: Sam Sam: You want me to wait with you until... Sookie (smiling): Go home, Sam. Sam: Good night. Sam walks over to his trailer, turns and watches Sookie walk towards her car. Then he unlocks the door and enters his house. As she unlocks her car, Sookie hears a sound and walks further into the deserted parking lot. She stops and looks, but sees no one. Suddenly, she's pushed from behind and falls face-first to the ground! Before she can recover, two people start viciously kicking her! It's Mack and Denise Rattray! They kick her over and over again! One blow catches her face and she reels back, blood splattering around. A gurgling noise starts in her throat. Sookie trys to raise up but Mack Rattray kicks her in the head. To Be Continued ~~>
Plan: A: two years; Q: How long has it been since vampires have been able to make their presence known to mankind? A: the synthetic plasma TruBlood; Q: What was the invention that allowed vampires to make their presence known to mankind? A: Louisiana; Q: Where is Bon Temps located? A: 25-year-old waitress Sookie Stackhouse; Q: Who struggles with being telepathic? A: Sookie; Q: Who rescues Bill Compton from the Rattrays? A: 173-year-old vampire Bill Compton; Q: Who does Sookie Stackhouse meet at Merlotte's bar? A: Bill Compton; Q: Who is the 173 year old vampire that Sookie Stackhouse is drawn to? A: Merlotte's bar; Q: Where does Sookie work? A: her; Q: Who does Sookie learn that Bill is interested in? A: silver; Q: What do Mack and Denise Rattray use to attack Bill Compton? A: his blood; Q: What do the Rattray's want to drain from Bill? A: the black market; Q: Where do the Rattray's plan to sell Bill's blood? A: his thoughts; Q: What can Sookie not read about Bill? A: his brain; Q: What part of Bill Compton is dead? A: Sookie's hard-talking best friend; Q: Who is Tara Thornton? A: her job; Q: What did Tara lose when she mouthed off to her boss and a customer? A: Sam; Q: Who does Sookie make amends with after a heated argument? A: Sam Merlotte; Q: Who hires Tara Thornton as a bartender? A: the new bartender; Q: What does Sam Merlotte hire Tara Thornton to do? A: Jason Stackhouse; Q: Who is Sookie's brother? A: a young woman; Q: Who is Maudette Pickens? A: Maudette Pickens; Q: Who did Jason Stackhouse have a sexual interlude with? A: rough sex; Q: What does Maudette Pickens enjoy doing with vampires? A: a bald-headed, tattooed vampire; Q: Who did Maudette Pickens show Jason a videotape of? A: The next day; Q: When is Jason arrested for murder? A: Detective Andy Bellefleur; Q: Who is the detective who arrested Jason Stackhouse? A: the night before; Q: When was Maudette Pickens killed? A: the vampire Bill; Q: Who does Sookie's grandmother Adele want to speak at her Descendants of the Glorious Dead meeting? A: the favor; Q: What does Bill agree to discuss with Sookie in the parking lot? A: her life; Q: What does Sookie tell Sam and Tara to stay out of? A: revenge; Q: What are the Rattrays out for? Summary: It has been two years since the invention of the synthetic plasma TruBlood that has allowed vampires to make their presence known to mankind. In the small town of Bon Temps, Louisiana, 25-year-old waitress Sookie Stackhouse struggles with being telepathic and not being able to control hearing the thoughts of everyone she sees. That is until 173-year-old vampire Bill Compton walks into Merlotte's bar where Sookie works. She is immediately drawn to him, and so are Mack and Denise Rattray, a couple of local thugs who later attack Bill with silver and try to drain his blood so that they can sell it on the black market. But Sookie rescues him and drives the Rattrays away, after which she learns that not only is Bill equally interested in her, but that she cannot read his thoughts as his brain is technically dead. Meanwhile, Sookie's hard-talking best friend Tara Thornton is fired from her job when she mouths off to her boss and a customer and Sam Merlotte hires her as the new bartender. Meanwhile, Sookie's brother Jason Stackhouse has a sexual interlude with a young woman named Maudette Pickens, who enjoys rough sex with vampires. She shows Jason a videotape of her with a bald-headed, tattooed vampire and later she videotapes them having rough sex. The next day, Jason is arrested by Sheriff Bud Dearborne and Detective Andy Bellefleur for murder of Maudette, who was killed the night before. Sookie's grandmother Adele asks if Sookie thinks she can get the vampire Bill to speak at her Descendants of the Glorious Dead meeting. And at Merlotte's that night, Bill agrees to meet her in the parking lot after work to discuss the favor. Sookie gets into a heated argument with Sam and Tara, who believe that getting involved with a vampire could be very dangerous and Sookie tells them both to stay out of her life. After work Sookie and Sam make amends with one another and alone in the parking lot, Sookie is suddenly and savagely attacked by the Rattrays, out for revenge.
Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by Ruth Curran. Converted to HTML by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.] RACH: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay. [applause] PHOE: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. [plays a chord, then the lights go out] OK, thank you very much. [Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank. Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.] CHAN: Oh, great. This is just... [Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.] Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.] RACH: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out! MNCA: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on. RACH: Wow, you guys, this is big. MNCA: [into phone] Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. [hangs up] PHOE: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. [to Monica] What's my number? [Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.] PHOE: Well, I never call me. [Scene: ATM vestibule. Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.] CHAN: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre. JILL: [on phone] Hi Mom, it's Jill. CHAN: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! [pause] Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot! JILL: [on phone] Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule. CHAN: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule. JILL: [on phone] I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy. CHAN: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. [Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.] [Scene: Monica's apartment. Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.] JOEY: Hi everyone. ROSS: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani. JOEY: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone. PHOE: [at window] Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. [They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.] RACH: That had to hurt! [Scene: ATM vestibule.] CHAN: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile! [Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.] CHAN: There you go! [He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.] CHAN: You're definitely scaring here. JILL: [awkwardly] Would you like to call somebody? [offering phone] CHAN: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. [takes phone] [Scene: Monica's apartment. The phone rings; it's Chandler.] MNCA: Hello? CHAN: Hey, it's me. MNCA: [to everyone] It's Chandler! [on phone] Are you OK? CHAN: Yeah, I'm fine. [trying to cover up what he is saying] I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr. MNCA: What? CHAN: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr! MNCA: I have no idea what you just said. CHAN: [angry] Put Joey on the phone. JOEY: What's up man? CHAN: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR. JOEY: [to everyone] Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! [on phone] Chandler, listen. [says something intentionally garbled] CHAN: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind. [Scene: Monica's apartment, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.] RACH: Alright, somebody. MNCA: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table. ALL: Whoooaa! ROSS: That's my sister. JOEY: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library. MNCA: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library? ROSS: Phoebs, what about you? PHOE: Oh... Milwaukee. RACH: Um... Ross? ROSS: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.' ALL: No way! ROSS: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. PHOE: Oh, Rachel. RACH: Oh come on, I already went. MNCA: You did not go! ALL: Come on. RACH: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... [sigh]... oh, the foot of the bed. ROSS: Step back. JOEY: We have a winner! [Scene: Time passes once again. Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.] RACH: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park. ROSS: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line. RACH: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course. ROSS: Come on. RACH: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us. ROSS: [sarcastically] And you didn't marry him because...? RACH: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of... ROSS: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. RACH: Yeah right. ROSS: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff. RACH: [sigh] OK. ROSS: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you. RACH: You don't. ROSS: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future. RACH: Really? ROSS: Mmmm. RACH: You do? ROSS: I do. RACH: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up] [Ross gets up, pleased with himself.] JOEY: It's never gonna happen. ROSS: [innocently] What? JOEY: You and Rachel. ROSS: [acts surprised] What? [pause] Why not? JOEY: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone. ROSS: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone. JOEY: Ross, you're mayor of the zone. ROSS: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to... JOEY: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever. ROSS: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. [Joey looks at him] What? What, now? JOEY: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' [Rachel comes into the room behind them] ROSS: Shhhh! RACH: What are you shushing? ROSS: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. [everyone is silent] Don't you hear that? RACH: Ahhhh! ROSS: See? RACH: Huh. [she agrees, but looks very confused] [Scene: ATM vestibule.] JILL: Would you like some gum? CHAN: Um, is it sugarless? JILL: [checks] Sorry, it's not. CHAN: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe is singing.] PHOE: [singing] New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... [she writes the lyrics down] ROSS: [to Joey] OK, here goes. JOEY: Are you going to do it? ROSS: I'm going to do it. JOEY: Do you want any help? ROSS: You come out there, you're a dead man. JOEY: Good luck, man. ROSS: Thanks. [Joey hugs him] OK. JOEY: OK. [Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel] [Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.] JOEY: Hey, where are you going? MNCA: Outside. JOEY: You can't go out there. MNCA: Why not? JOEY: Because of... the reason. MNCA: And that would be? JOEY: I, um, can't tell you. MNCA: Joey, what's going on? JOEY: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you. MNCA: About what? JOEY: He's planning your birthday party. MNCA: Oh my God! I love him! JOEY: [as Phoebe enters] You'd better act surprised. PHOE: About what? MNCA: My surprise party! PHOE: What surprise party? MNCA: Oh stop it. Joey already told me. PHOE: Well, he didn't tell me. JOEY: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing. PHOE: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything. MNCA: No, you are not. We tell you stuff. PHOE: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. [Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased] Looks like I was second to last. [Scene: The infamous balcony. Ross and Rachel are talking.] RACH: Hmmm... this is so nice. ROSS: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. RACH: OK. ROSS: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um.... RACH: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross] ROSS: Yes, yes, that's right... RACH: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross] ROSS: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow! [Scene: Inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.] MNCA/JOEY/PHOE: [singing] I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since... COMMERCIAL [Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.] MNCA: [to Ross] This is just Bactine. It won't hurt. [Ross flinches in pain.] JOEY: Sorry, that was wax. PHOE: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner. ROSS: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall? RACH: During a blackout? He'd get trampled! ROSS: [nonchalantly] Yeah? [Scene: ATM vestibule.] CHAN: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. [Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look] 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself. [Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.] PHOE: [stops at a door] Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right? RACH: Oh. [they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers] Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner. HECK: Er, yeah, it's mine. PHOE: [trying to hold back the struggling cat] He seems to hate you. Are you sure? HECK: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat. PHOE: Wait a minute. What's his name? HECK: Ehhhh... B-Buttons. RACH: Bob Buttons? HECK: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons. PHOE: [the cat runs away from her] Oooh! You are a very bad man! HECK: [as Phoebe and Rachel leave] You owe me a cat. [Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.] RACH: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty... [While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.] PAOLO: [something Italian] RACH: Wow. [she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out] [Scene: Apartment. Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.] ROSS: [rolling] Lucky sixes.... RACH: [entering with Paolo, arm in arm] Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica. MNCA: [smitten] Hi! RACH: And Joey.... MNCA: Hi! RACH: And Ross. MNCA: Hi! PAOLO: [something in Italian] RACH: [proudly] He doesn't speak much English. PAOLO: [pointing at game] Monopoly! RACH: Look at that! ROSS: [jealous] So, um... where did Paolo come from? RACH: Oh... Italy, I think. ROSS: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives. RACH: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat! ROSS: That, that is funny... [to Joey].... and Rachel keeps touching him. [Phoebe enters.] PHOE: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere. RACH: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat. PHOE: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo. RACH: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe. PAOLO: [something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe] PHOE: [smiling] You betcha! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: ATM vestibule.] CHAN: [chewing gum] Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go. [Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.] CHAN: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. [Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.] CHAN: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... [grimacing] ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking. [Chandler starts to choke.] JILL: Are you alright? [Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.] JILL: My God, you're choking! [she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth] That better? CHAN: [gasping] Yes... thank you. That was... that was.... JILL: Perfection? [Scene: Monica's apartment. Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.] PAOLO: [something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars] ROSS: [mocking Paolo] Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah.... [Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.] ROSS: Wha-What did he say that was so funny? RACH: I have absolutely no idea. ROSS: That's... that's classic. RACH: [to Monica and Phoebe] Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me! MNCA: If you want, I'll do it. [Ross looks at Joey.] PHOE: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. [Rachel looks at her] But I won't. RACH: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry. PHOE: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... [they stare at her]... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK. RACH: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd.... [Scene: The other side of the apartment. Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.] ROSS: Paolo. Hi. PAOLO: Ross! [Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.] ROSS: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing. PAOLO: Thing? ROSS: Thing, yes. Thing. PAOLO: Ah, you... have the s*x? ROSS: No, no, no. Technically the... s*x is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um... PAOLO: Bed? ROSS: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad. PAOLO: Oh! ROSS: Yeah! Se vice? PAOLO: Si. ROSS: So you do know a little English. PAOLO: Poco... a leetle. ROSS: Do you know the word crapweasel? PAOLO: No. ROSS: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel! [They hug.] [Scene: ATM vestibule. Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.] JILL: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy. CHAN: OK. JILL: Ready? [she swings the pen around her head in a circle] [Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.] JILL: No, you've got to whip it. [He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.] [Scene: Monica's apartment. The gang is all sitting around the table.] PHOE: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... [time lapse]... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... [someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark] ROSS: Thank you. PHOE: Thanks. ROSS: Kinda... spooky without any lights. JOEY: [does a maniacal laugh] Bwah-hah-hah! [Everyone starts to imitate him.] ROSS: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah... [The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.] ROSS: Oh.. oh... oh. JOEY: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica. Closing Credits [Scene: ATM vestibule. The power has come back on.] JILL: Well, this has been fun. CHAN: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life. JILL: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. [she kisses him on the cheek] See ya. [She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.] CHAN: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
Plan: A: a New York City-wide power outage; Q: What event caused the gang to hang out at Monica and Rachel's apartment? A: New York City; Q: What city was the setting for the episode? A: the gang; Q: Who hangs out at Monica and Rachel's apartment during a power outage? A: Ross; Q: Who tries to share his true feelings with Rachel? A: his; Q: What did Mr. Heckles falsely claim the cat was? A: a stray cat; Q: What interrupted Ross and Rachel's conversation? A: the building; Q: Where did Rachel and Phoebe search for the cat's owner? A: downstairs; Q: Where was Mr. Heckles from? A: Paolo; Q: Who is the neighbor who owns the cat? A: a hunky, English-challenged Italian; Q: Who is Paolo? A: a nervous Chandler; Q: Who was trapped in an ATM vestibule with Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre? A: Blackout Thursday; Q: What was the name of the event that NBC tied three shows together? A: three shows; Q: How many shows were aired on the same night? A: " Pandora's Box; Q: What episode of Mad About You was the first to air on Blackout Thursday? A: Seinfeld; Q: What show did not participate in the Blackout Thursday event? Summary: During a New York City-wide power outage, the gang hangs out at Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross tries sharing his true feelings with Rachel but a stray cat interrupts their conversation. Rachel and Phoebe search the building for the cat's owner, but when Mr. Heckles from downstairs falsely claims it is his, he spooks it. The cat belongs to their neighbor, Paolo, a hunky, English-challenged Italian who Rachel falls for. Meanwhile, a nervous Chandler is trapped in an ATM vestibule with 'Victoria's Secret' model Jill Goodacre . (This episode was part of "Blackout Thursday", in which NBC tied three shows all set in New York City together and airing the same night, beginning with the Mad About You season 3 episode " Pandora's Box " which depicted the cause of the city-wide blackout, followed by this episode, and ending with an episode of the short-lived show Madman of the People . Seinfeld aired the same night but did not participate.)
THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN by MERVYN HAISMAN and HENRY LINCOLN first broadcast - 14th October 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. MAIN GATE (The sphere at the Gate starts to beep and move again...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. COURTYARD (...and inside, the sphere, on the statue, hearing the beeping of its brother starts to beep too and begins, purposefully, to roll off in the direction of the captured Yeti...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. COUNCIL ROOM DOCTOR: Jamie, when you captured this creature, you must have dislodged it's control unit. JAMIE: Then it must still be lying out there. DOCTOR: Precisely! (They move towards the exit of the room but KHRISONG blocks their path.) KHRISONG: Where are you going? DOCTOR: To have a look outside the gates. I want that unit. Come on, Jamie. (KHRISONG stands his ground.) KHRISONG: No! I will not allow it. DOCTOR: But why not? KHRISONG: I trust no one to leave the monastery. You say this creature is not a real Yeti. DOCTOR: It's metal. It's been made. KHRISONG: And sent against us. Why? Why does someone wish harm to the monks of Detsen. I will trust no stranger until these questions are answered. JAMIE: Ah, but we're on your side! Have we not convinced you yet? KHRISONG: I am convinced of nothing. VICTORIA: The Doctor knows all about this sort of thing. Why not let him help you? DOCTOR: Well if you don't trust us at least send Thomni, or one of your other warriors. KHRISONG: No! I will not allow the gates to be opened! DOCTOR: If you want us to help... KHRISONG: I do not need your help! Thomni, guard them! (With that, KHRISONG storms out of the room.) DOCTOR: Oh dear, a very obstinate man. TRAVERS: Yes, well that's that I suppose. Nothing we can do about it now. (Moving towards the door.) Um, well I... I think I'll just go and get a bit of shut-eye. Good night all. (TRAVERS hurriedly leaves the hall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. MAIN GATE, INSIDE (KHRISONG arrives at the gate, which is closed, to talk with the guard, RALPACHAN. Nearby, but out of sight, TRAVERS watches and listens...) KHRISONG: Ralpachan. RALPACHAN: Yes, Khrisong. KHRISONG: Stand guard at the gate. No one is to leave the monastery. Be watchful, these Yeti are more dangerous than we thought. (Seeing this as another blow to his chances of finding the real Yeti, TRAVERS moves forward towards the two men, who look at him with suspicion.) TRAVERS: Khrisong. KHRISONG: What is it? What do you want? TRAVERS: Um, I want a word with you. KHRISONG: Well? TRAVERS: Alone. (They move out of earshot of the sentry but within his sight.) KHRISONG: Yes? TRAVERS: Look I've been thinking. Now that we've found out that these abominable snowmen are mechanical things... KHRISONG: Well? TRAVERS: Don't you see it means that I am right! The real Yeti are there, hiding up there somewhere in those mountains. KHRISONG: (Starting to turn away.) This is no concern of mine. TRAVERS: No, but Khrisong, wait. I um... I want to go out there, after them. KHRISONG: That would be foolishness! TRAVERS: Look, I've always said that the real Yeti are harmless. Now I must make a... find out for sure. Otherwise the whole point of my expedition would be lost. KHRISONG: And those devil creatures would kill you. TRAVERS: Yes well, that's a chance I'll have to take. KHRISONG: (Firm.) No! I will not allow it. TRAVERS: But don't you see? The real Yeti may be killed by these robots. Look, I must go! KHRISONG: No, I forbid it! TRAVERS: Look I'm not one of your monks, you know? You can't give me orders. KHRISONG: No. I've said that no one will leave. Anyone may be controlling these monsters. Even you. TRAVERS: Oh that's ridiculous... (But to KHRISONG the matter was closed.) KHRISONG: (Total firmness.) I have given my orders! Obey them! [SCENE_BREAK] 5. COUNCIL ROOM (VICTORIA is looking at the creature again while the others are gathered in a small group.) THOMNI: Sir, I have no choice, I must obey Khrisong. JAMIE: Do you not realise the man's a wee bit daffy? DOCTOR: Oh I wouldn't say that, Jamie. He's just doing his duty, as he sees it. THOMNI: But I think he is mistaken not to trust you. There is much sense in what you say. DOCTOR: Oh thank you, Thomni. VICTORIA: Doctor, come here a moment. (They all go to back to the creature.) DOCTOR: What is it? VICTORIA: The place you said where the control unit would go, it's round. DOCTOR: Yes? VICTORIA: Well I wonder if... Jamie, you remember in that cave, we found that sphere. Well don't you think it could go... JAMIE: Hey yes! I believe you're right... DOCTOR: Yes, but I've thought of that. But the thing was as light as a feather, there couldn't have been anything inside it. Unless... (He looks about for a sphere.) DOCTOR: Where is it? JAMIE: Well I gave it to you. You were looking at it. DOCTOR: I remember, I put it down somewhere. VICTORIA: The Buddha! The Buddha in the courtyard! DOCTOR: The Buddha! I put it down by the Buddha! (The DOCTOR was all ready to rush out of the room when THOMNI bars their way - stick raised.) DOCTOR: Oh now please, Thomni, please! (THOMNI thinks about it and then lower his stick and follows the TARDIS crew out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. COURTYARD (They arrive at the statue to find the sphere gone.) JAMIE: It's not here, Doctor. DOCTOR: But I swear I put it down here by the Buddha. JAMIE: Aye, well its not here now. VICTORIA: Somebody must have picked it up. DOCTOR: Oh dear. VICTORIA: Maybe that guard's taken it. JAMIE: Aye, let's ask him. (They all move off towards the Main Gate... They in fact pass the sphere, rolling in the opposite direction, in a corridor on the way there, but the sphere conceals itself in a dark corner as they trundle past.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. MAIN GATE (The Guard, on seeing their approach, raises his stick and JAMIE tenses himself ready for a fight, but the DOCTOR touches him on the arm.) DOCTOR: No. Tact, Jamie. I'll handle this. (He moves forward with a disarming smile.) DOCTOR: Hello guard, good evening. Um, I wonder if you could help us. I um... I left a... a silver sphere by the Buddha there. RALPACHAN: Sphere? VICTORIA: It's a shiny round thing. THOMNI: It's most important. Have you taken it? RALPACHAN: No, and if anyone had I should have seen them. THOMNI: Ralpachan, who has passed through the courtyard? RALPACHAN: Master Khrisong, but he touched nothing. JAMIE: No one else? RALPACHAN: The Englishman, Travers. (They are all surprised at this.) DOCTOR: Travers? Are you sure he didn't pick it up? RALPACHAN: I am sure. He spoke only to Khrisong and now he is gone. DOCTOR: (Shocked.) Gone? RALPACHAN: He said Khrisong had given him permission to leave. DOCTOR: But that's impossi... THOMNI: (To the Guard.) He has tricked you! JAMIE: Aye, he must have taken it! DOCTOR: Yes, but why? VICTORIA: Could he be the one that's doing it? DOCTOR: (To himself.) I wonder. (To the Guard.) Are you sure he didn't take the sphere with him? RALPACHAN: He took nothing! JAMIE: I'll find his room and search it. DOCTOR: Right, Jamie. THOMNI: We must tell Khrisong what has happened. DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Travers, I can't believe he has anything to do with these robots. VICTORIA: One thing's for certain, it couldn't have moved on its own. (They leave the courtyard with RALPACHAN on guard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CORRIDOR (...But that was exactly what the sphere was doing - moving on its own...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. HALL (SAPAN and RINCHEN have been at work on the Yeti where it has been fastened down with chains. They have constructed a strange framework of wood and coloured thread around it...) SAPAN: How if the devil should breath life into it again? RINCHEN: My ghost trap will ward off the evil spirits. SAPAN: Mmm, but to fetter it with chains is also wise. The strangers say that this creature is not flesh and blood. RINCHEN: How can this be, does it not move? Strangers, do not believe them, Sapan. SAPAN: But see. RINCHEN: It is but armour, such as any warrior would wear. The devil in his guile wears his armour beneath the skin to protect his evil heart. SAPAN: Such a being is against nature, it troubles me. Let us go. (KHRISONG leads SONGSTEN into the hall. They both notice the "ghost trap".) SONGSTEN: What have you been doing, my brothers? SAPAN: We have built a spirit trap about the monster, my Abbot. SONGSTEN: This is well thought, Sapan, you are wise. RINCHEN: You should never have allowed this monster to have been brought into the Monastery, Khrisong. KHRISONG: (Snaps.) What I allow is my affair, Rinchen. SONGSTEN: Gently, my son, gently. KHRISONG: I'm sorry, my Abbot. I try to guard my tongue, but Rinchen finds much fault in me of late. SONGSTEN: Harsh words are like blunted arrows. It is the truth that makes them sharp. KHRISONG: I have tried to do my duty. Under your guidance, the protection of the monastery lies in my hands. SONGSTEN: I know, my son. You're task is a hard one. KHRISONG: And such is our adversary, that against such creatures that I must protect you. The purpose of my life is nothing if I fail. You know, my Abbot, that I willingly would lay down my life for you and my brothers. But can I combat this with mildness. You must let me fight their strength with my strength. SONGSTEN: Our ways are the ways of peace, Khrisong my son. You, must not seek to change them. KHRISONG: I would fight to preserve them. You must let me. There is no other way. SONGSTEN: There is. It is merely obscured to our simple minds. I shall seek guidance from the Master, Padmasambhava. (He sits down on the floor cross-legged and enters into a trance. The DOCTOR's party rushes into the room.) DOCTOR: Khrisong! Khrisong, I must speak with you. KHRISONG: What is it? DOCTOR: Have you given Travers permission to leave the monastery? KHRISONG: Of course not! DOCTOR: Well he's gone! KHRISONG: How? DOCTOR: The guard at the gate said you'd given him permission. KHRISONG: Did he? Very well. Come with me. DOCTOR: It's about time you let me help you. KHRISONG: Help? I want to make sure you don't disappear as well. (KHRISONG leaves with the DOCTOR. THOMNI and VICTORIA watch SONGSTEN in his trance.) VICTORIA: It's the Abbot, is he all right? THOMNI: Oh yes, he's in a trance. We must leave him now. VICTORIA: Trance? SONGSTEN: (Talking into thin air.) Yes, Master. VICTORIA: Who's he talking to? THOMNI: The Master, Padmasambhava. He's asking for spiritual guidance. VICTORIA: How? SONGSTEN: I hear you, Master. I am coming. VICTORIA: (Puzzled.) Where's he going? THOMNI: To the Holy Sanctum. To Padmasambhava. VICTORIA: Let's follow him. (She starts to follow, but THOMNI prevents her.) THOMNI: No, no, no, it is forbidden! No one but the Abbot may enter. (VICTORIA laughs at this. THOMNI reacts with firmness.) THOMNI: No one! [SCENE_BREAK] 10. MAIN GATE (KHRISONG is questioning the guard with the DOCTOR while JAMIE is off searching TRAVER's room.) KHRISONG: ...And this should not have happened. I hold you responsible, Ralpachan. DOCTOR: Oh well, what's done is done. (JAMIE returns.) DOCTOR: Ah, Jamie. JAMIE: Searched his room, but it's not there. DOCTOR: I see. You must see that it is vital that I examine one of these control units. The one that Jamie bought down from the mountains has disappeared. Someone is trying to stop us learning the truth. JAMIE: You must let us outside to find the other one! (Seeing that he is not going to get anywhere by talking, he tries to open the Gate, but both sticks of the Guard and Khrisong are raised.) JAMIE: Oh, look... KHRISONG: Very well. I will go. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INNER SANCTUM (There is a small table holding a map of the monastery and its surrounding area. We see an old and wrinkled hand (PADMASAMBHAVA's) reaches out over the map and grab two of the small model Yeti pieces that are on the map. The hand moves the pieces closer to Detsen...) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. MOUNTAINSIDE (Out on the mountainside, two Yeti come to life and begin to move along a corresponding route, watched by TRAVERS hiding behind a rock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. ANTEROOM, INNER SANCTUM (SONGSTEN, still in his trance, opens the door to the Inner Sanctum and enters, closing the door behind him. VICTORIA arrives first at the door and is about to pull it open when THOMNI stops her.) THOMNI: No! No, Victoria, we mustn't. VICTORIA: I only want to see where he's going. THOMNI: I told you, the Sanctum. No one is allowed to go there. Please, let us go back. VICTORIA: You mean to say you've lived here all this time and never been in there. THOMNI: Yes. VICTORIA: You are funny. Aren't you the tinniest bit curious? THOMNI: (Firm.) No. VICTORIA: And you've never seen this... Master? THOMNI: Never. VICTORIA: Don't you want to know what he looks like? Oh, sure you do. Come on. (She tries to open the door again but THOMNI stop her again.) THOMNI: No! Miss Victoria, can't you understand that it is impossible? VICTORIA: I don't see... THOMNI: No you do not! It is forbidden. And I have been brought up on the path of obedience. VICTORIA: Very well. (With a smile on her face.) But I'll get there somehow. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. MAIN GATE (The DOCTOR, JAMIE and the guard are watching KHRISONG from the main gate.) DOCTOR: Hasn't he found it yet? JAMIE: No. Khrisong, can I give you a hand? KHRISONG: Stay where you are! [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INNER SANCTUM (Again, SONGSTEN is kneeling down, hands clasped, looking straight at the huge closed doors.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Far better if the Yeti had not been brought into the monastery. SONGSTEN: I'm sorry, Master, I could not prevent it. PADMASAMBHAVA: The Doctor is wise. His eyes are not closed in ignorance. SONGSTEN: If he is not ignorant perhaps he might assist you with your plan. PADMASAMBHAVA: But his mind is on a complex plane. It is hard to fathom. There is a chance he will oppose what we have to do. (His voice changes again...) VOICE: (OOV.) NO. WE MUST CONTINUE WITH THE WORK, ALONE. I MUST NOW MAKE SURE OUR PLAN IS IMPERILLED NO MORE. (...and the two Yeti models are moved again, this time bringing them right to the monastery gates!.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. MAIN GATE (KHRISONG finds the sphere, which begins to give out a loud beeping sound.) KHRISONG: I've found it! (The DOCTOR spots the approaching Yeti.) DOCTOR: Khrisong! Behind you! Yeti! JAMIE: Come in! KHRISONG: No! (He sees retreat as an act of a coward.) DOCTOR: Don't be a fool! JAMIE: Don't be a fool, they're on top of you! (One of the Yeti lifts KHRISONG up by the wrist and wrenches the sphere from his grasp. The monks and JAMIE emerge to fight them off but the Yeti ignore them, disappearing back into the darkness.) DOCTOR: Come on, Jamie. Quick get him inside! (They do so.) DOCTOR: (To KHRISONG.) They came to get their ball back. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INNER SANCTUM (SONGSTEN is with PADMASAMBHAVA but he still can't see him. We can see however the map.) PADMASAMBHAVA: It would seem that the Yeti have caused some little upset at the gates. However their work is accomplished. Now, Songsten, observe. (The hand points out three of the Yeti pieces.) PADMASAMBHAVA: These three Yeti are waiting for you. (A small glowing pyramid is placed on the ground.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Take this pyramid I have prepared. Take it to the caves. Then the Great Intelligence will focus upon this planet. Soon it will begin to grow and at last take on physical form. At last its wanderings in space will be at an end. (Sighs.) My work will then be done. Go now, Songsten, do as I have asked. (And the "hiss" voice has the final word.) VOICE: (OOV.) NOTHING MUST INTERFERE. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. MAIN GATE (KHRISONG is unharmed and is discussing the attack with the others.) RINCHEN: These creatures are indeed fearsome. JAMIE: Aye, you were lucky you weren't killed. KHRISONG: But why did they just turn and leave? They had us at their mercy, why? DOCTOR: They didn't come to fight. They came for the sphere. JAMIE: Are you sure? DOCTOR: Pretty sure. They didn't want me to examine it. KHRISONG: You talk of these creatures as if they were human, with a human's brain. DOCTOR: That sphere is like a brain. They had to get it back. JAMIE: Yes, and that Yeti we caught in the net. Well that could have been after the sphere we found in the cave. DOCTOR: I'd still like to know what happened to that one. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. CORRIDOR, NEAR HALL (...Well, it is currently going down the corridor near to the hall where the captive Yeti is...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. MAIN GATE DOCTOR: This sound that you heard. KHRISONG: It came from the sphere, I swear it. JAMIE: Some sort of signal, do you think? DOCTOR: Yes, could be. Anyway, its a help. SAPAN: How can this help? DOCTOR: Well with the right sort of equipment, these signals can be tracked. JAMIE: You mean you can find out where the Yeti are getting there instructions from? DOCTOR: Yes, Jamie. RINCHEN: Where can we find such equipment? DOCTOR: (To JAMIE.) We've got to get back to the TARDIS. JAMIE: Right! KHRISONG: This equipment. You have it? DOCTOR: Yes. (Pointing.) But it's outside there on the mountain KHRISONG: Then, you must go for it. JAMIE: You mean you'll let us go? KHRISONG: I have no choice. I have failed. My warriors are powerless. I must trust you. DOCTOR: (Happy and thumping JAMIE on the shoulder.) Come on, let's get my coat. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. HALL (VICTORIA is trying to have a peek inside the Inner Sanctum but is having trouble trying to get rid of THOMNI. She tries a different approach - the "I better look for my friends" trick.) VICTORIA: Oh. Oh, they're not back yet. I think I'll go and find them. No need for you to come. (THOMNI wasn't falling for it.) THOMNI: I think it would be better if I came with you. VICTORIA: Afraid I may go somewhere that I shouldn't. Oh, come on then. I don't want to stay in here with that thing. (She pulls a face at the Yeti. However as they leave the room they run into RINCHEN and SAPAN and it is clear that they have been listening in on the conversation and guessing correctly on VICTORIA's destination.) RINCHEN: Thomni, it were well that you went to Khrisong... THOMNI: Where is he? RINCHEN: In the courtyard. THOMNI: I will go to him. Oh, Sapan, would you care for our guest, please? (He rushes off. VICTORIA turns to the new arrivals.) VICTORIA: Is Jamie and the Doctor... are they all right? SAPAN: Rest easily my child. RINCHEN: They are in... (SAPAN cuts him off.) SAPAN: They are very well. There is no need for this child to worry. Is it not so, Rinchen? (VICTORIA sees right through this trick.) VICTORIA: You're keeping something from me. SAPAN: My child, I have told you nothing but truth. Your friends are busy helping our brothers. RINCHEN: Sapan, we have duties to perform. SAPAN: True. We must leave you. It might be wiser to join Thomni in the courtyard. Excuse us please. (They show her the way. VICTORIA leaves but turns toward the Sanctum instead of the Courtyard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. COURTYARD (THOMNI has been filled in on what has happened to KHRISONG.) THOMNI: You are not well, Khrisong. You should be resting. KHRISONG: There can be no rest for me while this creature is here. THOMNI: But it is dead, what harm can it do us now? KHRISONG: Even so, wiser to destroy it. ... the Doctor who is right. I do not know any longer. (RINCHEN arrives leading a fuming VICTORIA.) RINCHEN: Khrisong you must guard this child. Sapan sent her to you in the courtyard, yet I found her near the Sanctum. VICTORIA: (Tight-lipped.) I didn't mean any harm. RINCHEN: For her own good, it would be safer if she were closely guarded. (VICTORIA sighs as they all leave the courtyard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. MOUNTAINSIDE (JAMIE and the DOCTOR walk along the mountainside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. MAIN GATE (Soon after they depart, SONGSTEN arrives at the courtyard, manned again by just the lone sentry, RALPACHAN. SONGSTEN stares into the eyes of RALPACHAN who opens the door for him.) SONGSTEN: When I have passed through the gate you will awake. You have seen nothing. (He passes through the gate and RALPACHAN closes the door behind him. He then springs back to watchfulness, unaware that anything has happened.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. COUNCIL ROOM (THOMNI is looking after VICTORIA.) VICTORIA: I suppose everyone thinks I'm a nuisance. Is that it? THOMNI: We are concerned for your safety, as you well know. VICTORIA: You're not really going to lock me up in this beastly room, are you? THOMNI: No, I don't think that will be necessary. But you must promise to behave and not cause trouble. VICTORIA: What do you mean? THOMNI: I think perhaps you are a little too inquisitive, Miss Victoria. VICTORIA: Me? I just don't like mysteries. Your Master, for instance, Padma... (THOMNI cuts her off.) THOMNI: I have told you there are some things that you should not ask! VICTORIA: Oh all right, I'm sorry. All right. Look do we have to stay here? Can't I go and find the Doctor? THOMNI: The Doctor? But he's gone. VICTORIA: (Surprised and shocked.) Gone? Gone where? THOMNI: To the mountain. I thought you knew. Did Sapan not tell you? VICTORIA: I knew he was keeping something from me. I've a good mind to go after them. THOMNI: (Angrily.) That would be foolish! VICTORIA: Don't worry, I'm not really serious. THOMNI: Oh please forgive me, I'm being a very bad host. Would you care for some food? VICTORIA: No thank you. Um, yes. Perhaps on second thoughts I will. (THOMNI leaves the room and after a minute so does VICTORIA.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. MOUNTAINSIDE (JAMIE and the DOCTOR reach the three Yeti which are waiting to escort SONGSTEN. They are clearly switched off, so the DOCTOR would like to examine them, but JAMIE cautions against this...) DOCTOR: They're not moving. JAMIE: They can't have seen us, Doctor. DOCTOR: Perhaps they're switched off. I wonder... JAMIE: Don't be a fool, Doctor. No point in taking chances. Let's get to the TARDIS while we can. DOCTOR: Yes, perhaps you're right. (They move off... SONGSTEN arrives with the pyramid soon after. The Yetis jerk into life and form a protective triangle around him. Together the four of them move off up the mountain...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. COUNCIL ROOM (THOMNI arrives carrying food but notices that VICTORIA is gone.) THOMNI: Oh no! Miss Victoria! (He rushes out of the room to be met by RALPACHAN and KHRISONG.) THOMNI: Ralpachan, the girl, did she go out? KHRISONG: What did you want, Thomni? THOMNI: I went for food, now she has disappeared. KHRISONG: Fool! THOMNI: I think she went after the Doctor. KHRISONG: No one has passed Ralpachan. THOMNI: Then she must still be in the monastery. KHRISONG: Find her. THOMNI: Where? Where could she...? Miss Victoria! [SCENE_BREAK] 28. INNER SANCTUM (VICTORIA enters the room and look around her. However, there is nobody in there and VICTORIA is surprised when she hear PADMASAMBHAVA's voice.) PADMASAMBHAVA: It were better that you were not found in here, my child. VICTORIA: Who's that? PADMASAMBHAVA: The monks will look upon your presence here as sacrilege. (The voice almost changes to the "hiss" voice.) PADMASAMBHAVA: Go quickly. (VICTORIA leaves the room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. HALL (She returns to the hall where the captured Yeti lies bound...) [SCENE_BREAK] 30. CORRIDOR (THOMNI searching...) THOMNI: Victoria! [SCENE_BREAK] 31. HALL (VICTORIA finds, at her feet, Jamie's sphere, which has finally finished its long trek from the courtyard. Curious, she picks it up...) [SCENE_BREAK] 32. ANOTHER CORRIDOR THOMNI: Miss Victoria, where are you? [SCENE_BREAK] 33. HALL (...but then the sphere comes to life and forces itself into the cavity at the Yeti's chest. The flap over the cavity snaps shut and for a moment nothing happens...) [SCENE_BREAK] 34. CORRIDOR, NEAR THE HALL (THOMNI's cries attract the attention of SAPAN.) THOMNI: Miss Victoria! SAPAN: My son, what is the matter? THOMNI: Oh, Sapan, the girl, I can't find her. I think she may have... VICTORIA: (OOV, screams.) Aahhh! THOMNI: Miss Victoria! (And both Monks rush off toward the hall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35. HALL VICTORIA: Oh. (Then the Yeti's eyes snap open and it begins to thrash about, breaking chains and ghost trap with equal ease it starts to rise...)
Plan: A: Jamie; Q: Who brought the control sphere to the monastery? A: the TARDIS; Q: Where do the Doctor and Jamie return to for equipment? Summary: While the Doctor and Jamie return to the TARDIS for equipment, the control sphere Jamie brought to the monastery is reactivated.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room. Leonard: Whatcha doin' there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner? Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die. Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this? Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera. Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What's KBB? Sheldon: Killed by badger. Leonard: How's that? Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there's a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us. Leonard: I don't think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary. Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who's to say that I don't share that flawed DNA? Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out. Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left. Leonard: That long, huh? Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here. Leonard: What's there? Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality. Leonard: So, you're upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? Sheldon: By this much. Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs? Sheldon: You don't get it, Leonard. I'm going to miss so much, the unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus. Leonard: What's a dogapus? Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend. Leonard: Is somebody working on that? Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday. Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs. Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Howard: What do we owe you? Leonard: It came to $28.17. Let's say six bucks apiece. Howard: Here you go. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: What? Leonard: Never mind. I got it. Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay. Leonard: It's no big deal. Penny: No, no, no, no. You're right. We're not going out anymore, I should pay for myself. (After Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard laughs) What? Howard: He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life. Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself. I'm a little low on cash. Leonard: Hmm? How much you got? Penny: Nothing. Leonard: How can you walk around with no money? Penny: I'm cute. I get by. Leonard: It's okay, you can owe me. Penny: Okay. Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks. Sheldon: No, thank you. I'm not eating pizza tonight. Penny: But it's Thursday. Thursday's pizza night. Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight's selection, brussels sprouts. Howard: Really? You're changing the Sheldonian calendar? Sheldon: It's a small price to pay. Penny: For what? Leonard: No, no, don't ask. Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet. Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right? Sheldon: Correct. Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot? Sheldon: Essentially, yes. Penny: Okay, here's my question. Didn't you already do that? Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I'm also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging. Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before? Sheldon: Certainly. I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test. Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together. Sheldon: That's an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster. Penny: No, it won't. Um, how does he know I jog? Howard: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars. Penny: Oh, my God, that is so creepy! Howard: I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he's not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women. Scene: Leonard's bedroom Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh. Leonard: What the hell? What's the matter? Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I'm nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera. Leonard: There's no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena. Sheldon: Well, if it's not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung's Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms. Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms? Sheldon: It's part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly! Leonard: Have you had your appendix out? Sheldon: I haven't. I've been meaning to, but who has the time? Leonard: Let's get you to the hospital. Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard? Leonard: No. Sheldon: I do. And yet I'm doomed while you live on. Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn't it? Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it's about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts. Leonard: Good night. Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly. Scene: The hallway. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees. Sheldon: Thank you. They're my mother's. Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you're gonna run really fast? Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it's Friday, but it's nice when things work out. Where's your heart rate monitor? Penny: I don't have one. Sheldon: What about your pedometer? Penny: Don't have one. Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? Penny: Uh, no. Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny? Penny: No. I just run till I'm hungry, then I stop for a bear claw. Sheldon: Why are you doing that? Penny: It's good to stretch your muscles before you run. Sheldon: All right. Penny: All right, let's start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it. Sheldon: I am doing it. Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? Sheldon: We'll never know. Penny: Okay, let's just warm up on the run. Sheldon: Okay. Penny: Okay, let's go. Sheldon: Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised at my... Wah! Oh! Penny (squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay? Sheldon: I think so. Penny: Oh, let me help you up. Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting) Penny: Oh, Sheldon! Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Here's my chicken curry. Howard, your shrimp biryani. Howard: Thank you, sir. Leonard: Palak paneer, that's Penny. Penny: Thanks. Leonard: And for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets. Penny: Hey, what's my share? Leonard: Uh, 12 bucks. Penny: Okay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid? Leonard: Sure. Penny: What am I up to now? Leonard: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars. Penny (after Raj whispers to Howard and they both laugh): What now? Howard: He's just expressing his admiration that you don't even have to put out to get free stuff. Penny: It's not free, I'm gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up! Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us? Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon's face, appears). Greetings, friends. Leonard: Greetings, whatever the hell you are. Sheldon-bot: I am a mobile virtual presence device. Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world. Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner. Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Really? That's your question? When did he put a ramp in? Sheldon-bot: You're in my spot. This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration. Penny: Yeah, to be honest, I don't see much difference. Sheldon-bot: Thank you. That's what I was going for. Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you'll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs. For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces. Leonard: This is ridiculous. I'm coming to talk to you. Sheldon-bot: You don't know where I am. My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location. Leonard: You're in your bedroom. Sheldon-bot: No, I'm not. Leonard: I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom. Sheldon-bot: No, you can't. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only! Penny: So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous. Sheldon: I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me. Leonard: I am looking at you. Sheldon: No, you're not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed. Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God. Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die? Leonard: At the hands of your roommate? Sheldon: An accident. Leonard: That's how I'm going to make it look. Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed. Leonard: Fine, but don't expect my help. Sheldon: You have to help, it's in the roommate agreement. Leonard: No, it's not. Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot. Leonard: I'll be damned. Scene: Leonard's car Sheldon-bot: This is delightful. Leonard: Uh-huh. Sheldon-bot: It's much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery vehicular death. Leonard: Refresh my memory. Why didn't I just put you in the trunk? Sheldon-bot: Because I called shotgun. Remember? Leonard: Right. Sheldon-bot: You seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you. Leonard: I don't want to listen to music, Sheldon. Sheldon-bot: Very well. I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider. Leonard: Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter. Sheldon-bot: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name? Leonard: I was wrong, this is exactly like Knight Rider. Sheldon-bot: Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game. Leonard: No. Sheldon-bot: This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I'll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go. Leonard: That's it. Bye-bye. (Turns off screen.) Sheldon-bot (screen switching itself back on): Bazinga. Leonard: Whoa! Sheldon-bot: I have an override switch. Leonard: I almost died! Sheldon-bot : And I'm safe and sound in bed. Who's crazy now? Leonard: I'm still going to go with you. Scene: A corridor at the university. Sheldon-bot : Hello, Professor Hoskins. Nice to see you, Mindy. Konichi-wa Dr. Nakamora. Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory. Leonard, my door. Leonard: What about it? Sheldon-bot : Be a lamb and open it for me. Leonard: Why? What's the problem? Sheldon-bot : You think you have me stymied, don't you? Leonard: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied. Howard: Oh, look, it's Leonard and R2-D-Bag. Raj: That's my joke. I told it last night. You can't just use it. Sheldon-bot : Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me. Raj: Oh, sure. Sheldon-bot : He's a lamb. You're not. Raj: I'm a lamb. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Sheldon-bot : Isn't this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin. Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas. Raj: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes. Penny: Oh, great. Hi, I'm Penny, I'll be your waitress. Leonard: Why are you introducing yourself? Penny: I'd rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever. Sheldon-bot : Can you tell me the specials this evening? Penny: Sheldon, I'm not waiting on you. Sheldon-bot: Obviously. I don't even have water yet. Penny: Because you're not here. Sheldon-bot: That's discrimination against the otherwise located. I'm going to have to go over your head. Manager, manager. Oh, Lord, look who it is. Howard: Is that Steve Wozniak? Leonard: I think it is. Sheldon-bot : The Great and Powerful Woz. Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the cofounders of Apple Computer. He and Steve Jobs started it... Penny: Yeah, I know who he is. I watch Dancing with the Stars. Sheldon-bot : I must speak to him. Leonard: Of course you must. Penny: You know, there's an Olive Garden down the street. You guys should try it sometime. Sheldon-bot : Excuse me, Mr. Wozniak? Steve Wozniak: Oh, hey. Nice virtual presence device. Sheldon-bot : Thank you. I just want to say I'm a big fan. You're my fifteenth favourite technological visionary. Steve Wozniak: Only fifteenth? Sheldon-bot : It's still six spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship. Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing. Sheldon-bot : One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple Two. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement. Steve Wozniak: Thanks, we were shooting for nifty. You know, if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you. Sheldon-bot: Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running. Steve Wozniak: Nerds. Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2. Sheldon: I'm coming, Woz, I'm coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw. Scene: The hallway. Sheldon-bot approaches Penny's door and starts bashing into it. Sheldon-bot : (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. Penny: What up, Shel-Bot? Sheldon-bot: I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle. Penny: What do you want me to do? Sheldon-bot: Sing me Soft Kitty. Penny: Really, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor? Sheldon-bot: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person? Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Sheldon-bot: Closer to the microphone. Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy... Sheldon-bot: No. You have to start over. Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Plan: A: a healthier lifestyle; Q: What does Sheldon try to adopt to live long enough to experience the technological singularity? A: diet; Q: What is one of the ways Sheldon tries to adopt a healthier lifestyle? A: his bedroom; Q: Where does Sheldon hide when he can't get his diet and exercise under control? A: wheels; Q: What is Shelbot's monitor on? A: Penny; Q: Who labels Shelbot? A: Shelbot; Q: What is the name of the computer monitor that Sheldon uses to interact with the world? A: the Cheesecake Factory; Q: Where does Shelbot accompany the men to? A: Steve Wozniak; Q: Who offers to sign Sheldon's Apple II computer? A: Sheldon's vintage Apple II computer; Q: What does Steve Wozniak offer to sign for Sheldon? A: the computer; Q: What does Sheldon break when he rushes it to the restaurant? A: the stairs; Q: Where did Sheldon fall down to break his computer and ankle? Summary: Sheldon worries that he will not live long enough to experience the technological singularity, so he tries to adopt a healthier lifestyle through diet and exercise. When that proves to be difficult, he hides in safety of his bedroom, interacting with the world through a remotely-controlled computer monitor on wheels (which Penny labels Shelbot). When Shelbot accompanies the men to the Cheesecake Factory, they see Steve Wozniak at another table, who offers to sign Sheldon's vintage Apple II computer. Sheldon emerges from his bedroom to rush the computer to the restaurant, but breaks the computer and an ankle falling down the stairs.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] GILES VOICEOVER: Previously... Riley and Buffy in "Into the Woods" RILEY: They want me back, Buffy. The military. BUFFY: This is good-bye? RILEY: Unless you give me a reason to stay, I'm leaving tonight. Buffy walking away from Riley. Buffy running up to the helipad. BUFFY: Riley! Riley in the helicopter flying away as Buffy stands on the ground underneath. Spike and Buffy in the crypt. SPIKE: Are we having a conversation? BUFFY: What? No! ...Maybe. Xander and Anya in the magic shop. XANDER: We're getting married. BUFFY: Congratulations. Xander and Anya kissing. Buffy in the Double Meat Palace. BUFFY: Double meat is double sweet. Enjoy. DAWN: Hey Buffy! ANYA: We're here to support your subsistence-level employment. Bravo. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior shot of the Double Meat Palace, night. TODD VOICEOVER: You see, Buffy... Cut to inside. Close shot of the grill. TODD VOICEOVER: ...the thing you gotta learn about the Palace, and this takes a while... Pan over to where a scraper is scraping the grease from the top of the grill. A bucket of grease sits beside it. Todd, a young man about Buffy's age, is leaning against the wall nearby. TODD: ...is that job security all boils down to one simple thing. Reveal Buffy, doing the scraping. She looks over at Todd expectantly. TODD: Politics. Beat. Buffy resumes scraping. TODD: Now, I'm not a political animal, but you learn fast around here or it's wham! Hello glass ceiling. Buffy makes a face as she lifts a spatula-ful of grease. Todd tips the bucket so she can dump the grease into it. She resumes scraping. TODD: I mean, it's not like we work at Burger World, or the Happy Bun, where the power structure is simple. No, here at the Palace, you gotta keep your friends close, but your enemies? Closer. (Buffy nodding, rolling her eyes) It's like Machiavelli says. (Buffy looks confused) You know Machiavelli, right? BUFFY: Tall guy, bleached mullet, works day shifts? TODD: (laughs) I'm sorry. My bad. I keep forgetting you dropped out of college. BUFFY: I'm reapplying. TODD: (patronizing) Good luck with that. Well, gotta motor! (picks up a backpack) Don't wanna be late for night school. BUFFY: You go to night school? TODD: I'm working on my MBA. Think I wanna spend the rest of my life cleaning grease traps? (shakes head) Ooh, don't forget to lock up before you go, and the gum under the tables? Be sure to give it a good scrape before you leave. BUFFY: (sarcastic) May I? TODD: (leaving) See you tomorrow! BUFFY: (to herself) Yes, you will. And the day after that, (sighs) and the day after that, and the day after that... Cut to the graveyard, later. Buffy walks along holding a small paper bag with the Double Meat logo. She wears a long caramel-colored coat over her clothes. BUFFY: (sings) 'Get the double treat, that's the double sweet, oh it's hard to beat, when the meat meets-' Oh, why can't I get this stupid jingle out of my head? A vampire jumps out in front of her. VAMP: Least of your problems now, little girl. BUFFY: Wait. She turns to put the bag down carefully on a nearby headstone. VAMP: Ooookay. BUFFY: (turns back) Okay, let's do this. (points at him) Quickly. The vamp swings at her. She ducks, then punches him. He reels aside and kicks her. He grabs her by the upper arms and pulls her toward him, moving to bite her neck as she struggles to shove him away. Then the vampire pulls back, still holding her. VAMP: What's that smell? (sniffing) Geez, Slayer, is that you? BUFFY: I've been working! VAMP: Where, in a slaughterhouse?! BUFFY: (pouts) Double Meat Palace. VAMP: Ohhh. He lets go and backs away. VAMP: You know what? Let's just call it a night. (Buffy looking surprised) If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff, I'm not so sure I wanna bite you. BUFFY: You're dead! You smell like it! (vamp shrugging and nodding) How do you get to say I'm the one who's stinky? (pouting) VAMP: Really, it's, it's cool, I'll just catch you next time. A stake flies into the shot and into his heart. He groans and dusts. Buffy looks triumphant for a moment, then lowers her head to sniff herself. She makes a face, picks up her take-out bag and walks off. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Special Guest Star Marc Blucas. Guest starring Ivana Milicevic. Written and directed by Douglas Petrie. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior of the Summers house, night. Buffy walks up the walkway holding her paper bag, sighing. She pauses right before the stairs. BUFFY: Oh, for pete's sake. Spike? She turns. Spike appears from behind a nearby tree. SPIKE: Ah, it's a fair cop, you caught me, Slayer. However, in all honesty, I think we have to say this one doesn't count. After all, I wasn't exactly hiding. (walks toward her) BUFFY: No, Spike. SPIKE: No? What kind of answer is that, you haven't even heard the question yet. BUFFY: I don't have to. We both know what you're thinking. SPIKE: (grins) And we both know ... that I'm not the only one thinking it. He puts his hand out as if to grab her coat collar, and leans in as if to kiss her. Buffy slaps his hand away. BUFFY: No! Not here. SPIKE: Why not? (pouting) BUFFY: Dawn. (looks toward the house) She's inside waiting for dinner, she's counting on me. I'm not letting her down by letting you in. SPIKE: So it's the fear of getting caught, then, is it? BUFFY: Reason number one on a very long list. (turns to go) SPIKE: Needn't be an obstacle. He takes her hand and pulls her toward the tree. Longer shot of the two of them moving along the side of the building. BUFFY: (sighs) Spike, I mean it. Come on. SPIKE: I hear you're serious. So am I. I want you ... you want me... Cut to a closer shot as Buffy has her back up against the tree and Spike is right in her face. SPIKE: ...I can't go inside, so ... maybe the time is right ... for you to come outside. Buffy sighs, looks at the house, then back at Spike. He slowly leans in to kiss her. Cut to a long shot again. They kiss, Buffy drops the paper bag on the ground, and Spike pulls her around so that the tree obscures them from our view. Cut to inside. Buffy comes into the kitchen, holding the paper bag and putting her other hand to her forehead. She stops and looks surprised. BUFFY: Dawn. We see Dawn by the refrigerator, looking in. She closes it and turns to Buffy. BUFFY: Hey, hi. DAWN: Rough night? BUFFY: The usual. I-I brought you dinner. Buffy hands the paper bag to Dawn across the kitchen island, which is otherwise bare. Buffy sits. DAWN: Oh, great. (opening bag) Oh. Dawn takes out a paper-wrapped sandwich and smiles bravely. BUFFY: I-I know it's not the most original these days, but ... I made it myself. I-I made hundreds, actually, but this is the, the very best one. DAWN: It ... looks kinda squished. BUFFY: Oh, well just, you know, just... (takes the sandwich and slaps it lightly a few times) give it a sec. (Dawn looking disgusted) Yeah, these babies really bounce back. Literally. She gives the sandwich back. Dawn looks at it, then at her. DAWN: Buffy ... it's not like I don't appreciate it, I do. It's just that ... (softly) I can't eat this stuff another night. I'm sorry. BUFFY: (fake cheer) Oh! No, it, it's all good. I get it. (taking the sandwich back) Tell you what, tomorrow night, I'll, uh, I'll bring home the fisherman's nuggets with cheese. Dawn looks less than thrilled. Willow enters. WILLOW: Hey, workin' lady. Rough night? BUFFY: Why does everybody keep asking me that? WILLOW: Uh, no reason, I just ... thought you were busy with the slayage 'cause of that grass stain. (pointing to Buffy's jacket) Buffy tries to look at the back of her jacket, looks upset, takes it off to look at it. DAWN: Some vamp get rough with you? BUFFY: (examining coat, muttering) He's not getting any gentler. WILLOW: He? BUFFY: (quickly) They. Them. You know. (Willow and Dawn looking at her) Vampires in the, in the ... general population sense. (looks at jacket, sighs) Now I'm gonna have to wash this. WILLOW: (smiling) Ready for a bold suggestion? (smiling at Dawn, then at Buffy) Blow it off! Dawnie and I are headed out to the Bronze. DAWN: Um, do I have your permission and wanna come along? (grinning) You like how I slipped in that permission request like that? WILLOW: Very smooth. BUFFY: You guys go. DAWN: Really? WILLOW: Buffy, are you sure? I-it might do you good to get away from the Double Meat lifestyle for a night. See your friends. DAWN: Who'd love to see you. BUFFY: I'm sure. I've seen enough action for one night. (to Dawn) Home by eleven? DAWN: (smiles) On the dot. BUFFY: Have a good time. Dawn smiles, and she and Willow exit. Buffy picks up the still-wrapped sandwich and stares at it. BUFFY: (to herself) Somebody should. She sighs, puts the sandwich back in the bag. Cut to the Bronze. Pan across various people drinking and dancing, bartender serving. Reveal Xander and Anya sitting at the bar eating chips from several bags. A notebook sits in front of them bearing the wedding seating chart. ANYA: See ... this seating chart makes no sense. We have to do it again. (Xander nodding) We can't do it again. You do it. XANDER: The seating chart's fine. Let's get back to the table arrangements. I'm starting to have dreams of gardenia bouquets. (winces) I am so glad my manly coworkers didn't just hear me say that. (eating chips) ANYA: Will you stop wolfing down those chips? One more bag and you'll pop right out of your cummerbund. She grabs the bag of chips away from him, looks in it and sticks her hand in. Xander looks upset. ANYA: You're not even hungry, you're just nervous. XANDER: (smacking the bar-top) Yeah! Wedding, one week! We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter, and do NOT- (grabs the bag back) -take my chips. They stare at each other angrily. Dawn comes over, holding two plastic cups. DAWN: Hey guys! How's the soon-to-be-newlyweds? Nervous? ANYA/XANDER: No! DAWN: (dubious) Okay. I'll just be over here then. Dawn goes over to where Willow is fiddling with pool cues. DAWN: Your Arnold Palmer, milady. (gives Willow a drink) WILLOW: Thanks. So how are Mr. and Mrs. High-Strung? DAWN: I'm betting they explode. WILLOW: You know, when I was little, I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them... (shot of Anya and Xander at the bar) I just think... (mocking laugh) "Nee-hee-hee!" DAWN: (giggles) You're awfully chipper tonight. WILLOW: (smiling) Can't hide it. DAWN: Hmm. Big wedding coming up ... lots of date possibilities ... you and Tara are speaking again. You wanna call her? Invite her over? WILLOW: Oh, no. Too soon for so bold a maneuver. (smiles) But if I did call? She wouldn't hang up on me. DAWN: That's progress! WILLOW: (smiling) Hence the happy. Cut to: Buffy's basement. An old boom-box is playing a sad country song. Buffy is wearing an old t-shirt and has her coat on the ironing board, rubbing it with a rag. She pauses, looks at the grass stain, resumes rubbing. Cut to upstairs. Buffy is asleep on the sofa, with the coat covering her. It's daylight. Sound of a noisy truck engine from outside. Buffy slowly wakes up. BUFFY: Garbage! Uhh... She leaps up, pulling the jacket on. Cut to the street. The garbage truck is pulling away. BUFFY: (OS) Wait! Wait up, guys! The truck drives off, revealing Buffy behind it, running down the walk with a garbage bag in each hand. BUFFY: Wait! She stands there panting, watching the truck turn a corner. BUFFY: (whining) Don't you want your garbage? She sighs, pouts, turns and walks back toward the house. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy enters through the back door, holding a pile of mail. She begins looking through it. We see Dawn standing by the island. DAWN: Hey Buffy. Oh, don't forget, today's trash day. BUFFY: (sourly) Thanks. Dawn piles her books into her school bag. Buffy opens a letter. Close shot of the letter. Dear Ms. Summers, We are sorry to reject your application for re-admittance to UCSD. Our guidelines dictate that re-admission forms must be processed on or before January 15, 2002. If you have any questions, please feel free to call my office during regular business hours, Monday through Friday. Surrinda Blackmaster Assistant to the Dean BUFFY: (OS) 'Dear Ms. Summers, we are sorry to reject...' DAWN: What's that? BUFFY: (folding the letter) Nothing. DAWN: Huh. Bronze was fun last night. In a total home-by-eleven-ish way. You should have come. BUFFY: Well, next time. (looks at Dawn) Where are you going? DAWN: School? BUFFY: (duh) Oh. That's good. Uh, don't you want breakfast first? DAWN: Already made it. See you this afternoon? Unless you're working. (coming around the island toward Buffy) Tonight then. Or, you know, tomorrow's cool. Don't work too hard. Dawn kisses Buffy on the cheek. Buffy smiles. BUFFY: Bye. Dawn exits. Buffy looks at the kitchen sink, piled high with dirty dishes. She stops smiling, makes a face, sighs. Removes her jacket and turns to the sink. Cut to: close shot of the Double Meat grill with nine burgers cooking. A spatula flipping them over. TODD: (OS) And that's where even your best political minds can drop the ball. Reveal Buffy flipping the burgers, wearing the uniform, while Todd stands behind her eating one. TODD: Zeitgeist! You're not taking the pulse of the public, the next thing you know you're LBJ handing the house keys over to Nixon. (turns to his work) Heard back from your college yet? BUFFY: Yeah. TODD: All right. You know, we're out of special sauce. BUFFY: I'll get it. TODD: No no. Your turn up front. I'll deal back here. You take the customers. Buffy looks less than thrilled. She turns and walks off. Cut to the counter. Buffy walks up to the cash register. BUFFY: Welcome to the Double Meat Palace, how may I help... She pauses as she sees who it is. Reveal Riley, standing there dressed all in black with a bulletproof vest on. BUFFY: You. Closer shot on Riley. We see that he has a long scar running from his forehead across one eye and down his cheek. His expression is grim. RILEY: Hey. BUFFY: Huh? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. Buffy stares up at Riley. BUFFY: Riley. RILEY: Sorry to just drop in on you like this, Buffy. BUFFY: It's you. RILEY: It's me. BUFFY: You're here. RILEY: I know. BUFFY: And ... were you always this tall? RILEY: (leans closer) Look, this isn't the way I wanted it. But something's come up, something big. We don't have much time. You understand? BUFFY: (nodding) Not a work you've said so far. RILEY: Right. I should have known, anticipated. You're working. Longer shot of the restaurant interior. There are a few customers waiting in line behind Riley. Buffy is the only person working the counter. Cut back to close shot. BUFFY: Well, just counter, not grill any more. RILEY: I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale. BUFFY: My hat has a cow. RILEY: (sighs) I know that I'm putting you on the spot, showing up like this, but ... but you know, here we are. I need the best. I need you, Buffy. (Buffy staring at him) Can you help me? Todd appears, sticks his face next to Buffy's. TODD: Hellooo, Buffy? People are waiting. Buffy and Riley stare at each other, oblivious to Todd. Buffy takes off her Double Meat hat, puts it down, grabs a black coat from under the counter, and comes out from behind the counter to join Riley. TODD: Buffy, uh ... Buffy! Wait! Buffy! Buffy follows Riley out. Cut to the street. Buffy (wearing her black coat over her uniform) and Riley walk along. RILEY: Look, I'm sorry this is all so sudden. You know, if we get a minute, I'd really like to sit down... He stops as something on his belt begins to beep. He grabs it and looks at it. BUFFY: What is it? RILEY: Suvolte demon. Rare, lethal ... nearly extinct, but not nearly enough. (Buffy grinning) It's close. Buffy starts to laugh. RILEY: What? BUFFY: Sorry. It's just ... you still carry around all that James Bond stuff. Close shot on the device in Riley's hand. It looks like a flip-open cell phone except that instead of a digital display it has a red radar screen. Two large blinking red dots show the movement of the demon. BUFFY: It's so cute! I forgot. Riley puts the device away, gives Buffy a look. BUFFY: Sorry. (fake-military) Carry on. RILEY: (resumes walking) We've been tear-assing through every jungle from Paraguay up, taking out nests. As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place. They're breeders, Buffy. One turns into ten, ten becomes a hundred. This gets out of hand and there's a war with humans? Humans are gonna lose. BUFFY: So they're like really mean tribbles. (Riley gives her another look) Sorry, I've been dealing with these, these geeks, it's, it's a whole thing. Sound of demon growling. They both look up. The demon, which looks like a cross between a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and the alien from "Alien," is across the street knocking over some newspaper vending machines. People scream and run away. RILEY: You ready for this? BUFFY: Yes please. They both start forward. Riley holds up a badge. RILEY: (yelling) National Forestry Service, we got a wild bear! Everybody stand back! (pushes a pedestrian aside) Look out! People run away as Riley approaches the demon. It hits him, slashing his arm with a claw, and he reels back clutching his arm. Buffy jumps up onto the demon's back and it flings her off against a wall, then it retreats into an alley. A gun falls to the ground beside Buffy. She gets to her knees and picks it up. Riley comes over and grabs her arm to help her up. They look at each other. Buffy turns and heads toward the alley with Riley right behind. They walk cautiously down the alley, looking around. They reach a point where the alley widens. RILEY: Split. Buffy nods. They move off in different directions. Suddenly a garbage can flies into the shot, toward Riley, but he deflects it. Sound of the demon growling. BUFFY: Riley! Buffy tosses him the gun. He takes aim at the demon, shoots it. The gun shoots darts rather than bullets. The dart sticks in the demon's chest. It roars and flails its arms around. Buffy runs at it and one of its arms hits her. She reels back against Riley, who catches her. The demon leaps up to the roof of the building and is gone. RILEY: You all right? BUFFY: I'll feel better when we catch it. But it's too fast. RILEY: I wouldn't necessarily say that. Cut to the street. A very large SUV comes screeching around the corner. It is black, of course. Cut to inside. Riley is driving while Buffy sits in the passenger seat. BUFFY: Nice wheels. RILEY: Came with the car. BUFFY: (smiles) Know where we're goin'? RILEY: Got an idea. The tag's on-line. We'll find it. Shot of a GPS screen on the car's dashboard. It shows a blip for the demon and another one for the car. BUFFY: How's your arm? RILEY: It'll heal. How you doin'? BUFFY: Complicated question. RILEY: I just meant- BUFFY: I know. RILEY: I hear ya. Got some, uh ... big stories to tell you to. If we ever get half a second. BUFFY: Did you die? RILEY: No. BUFFY: I'm gonna win. Riley looks surprised. Buffy takes off her coat, revealing the bright red-and-white DoubleMeat uniform. RILEY: Here. (grabs something from behind the seat and gives it to her) No offense, but this is black ops, and you look like a pylon. BUFFY: (looks at it) Ninja wear? RILEY: Battle gear. Lightweight Kevlar, state of the art. BUFFY: What a surprise. RILEY: Boys like toys. Put it on, thank me later. BUFFY: (smiling) You won't look? RILEY: (staring at the road ahead) I'm a gentleman. BUFFY: Okay. (begins unfolding the clothes) So ... the black-ops life, it's workin' out for ya? RILEY: Don't suck. BUFFY: They got dental? RILEY: (smiles) Yeah, we're covered. Beat. They both look pensive. RILEY: You know, there's not many people I'd ask to risk their life for me, Buffy. It's really good to see you. BUFFY: Thanks. RILEY: You're welcome. And Buffy ... love the hair. Buffy smirks a little. Exterior shot of the car speeding down an otherwise empty highway. Cut to exterior shot of a different highway, this one covered with cars bumper-to-bumper, barely moving. Horns honking. ANYA VOICEOVER: I think we died in this car on the way to the airport, and now we're stuck in hell. Cut to the interior of Xander's car. Xander is driving while Anya sits in the passenger seat. Numerous bags of chips are on the dashboard. XANDER: The radio said no traffic. (reaching for chips) ANYA: It's a hell radio, of course it said that. We'll never get to the airport in time to pick up your stupid uncle. XANDER: It just gives my uncle Rory more time at the bar. Trust me, he'll be happy. ANYA: (mouth full) Great. So he can sleep off his drunken stupor on our newly re-upholstered couch. XANDER: He can't afford a hotel. ANYA: Why are you defending him? XANDER: I'm not. I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family. Have children, make them hate us, then one day they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life. (smiling) ANYA: Well, the Gnarals are teleporting in in twenty minutes. If I'm not there to greet them? Somebody's getting incinerated. XANDER: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place? ANYA: Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy. XANDER: Without the laughs. We should have eloped. ANYA: No! I've been through too much planning this wedding, and it is *going* to happen. It is going to be our perfect, perfect day if I have to kill every one of our guests and half this town to do it. XANDER: Mm. (looks at her bag of chips) Cool Ranch? ANYA: Cajun Fiesta. Xander grabs the bag. Cut to Riley's SUV screeching to a halt on a side road. It's mostly rock, a few scraggly trees. Riley and Buffy get out, come around to the front of the car and start walking. Buffy is wearing the black "ninja wear." Black long-sleeved turtleneck, black bulletproof vest, black pants, black tool-belt. Her hair is pulled back into a neat ponytail. BUFFY: End of the line? (Riley shrugs) I don't see our demon. RILEY: It's not here. BUFFY: Let me guess. They walk between some low stone buildings. Riley grins. They walk over to a fence and look down. We see that they're standing at the top of a huge dam. Far below, we can see the water. Rough uncut stone walls surround the platform at the bottom. BUFFY: Down we go? RILEY: Looks that way. (doing something with equipment) BUFFY: That's a big first step. So, Mr. Finn, got an extra jet-pack for a girl like me? RILEY: Sorry, fresh out of jet-packs. Looks like we'll have to share. Riley attaches one end of a rappelling line to the fence. RILEY: This test line's built for one, so if we go together, we're not hauling any gear. Just be you and me. BUFFY: I was never big on the hardware anyway. RILEY: You hold onto me? BUFFY: (flirty) If that's what it takes. RILEY: Come on. Riley lifts her up onto the fence. She looks into his eyes. BUFFY: Ready when you are, Agent Finn. She puts her arms around his shoulders and they start down. Long shot of the two of them descending along the side of the dam. They reach the bottom and stand on a stone platform with a low stone wall at the edge. Riley detaches the line from his belt. They both start looking around. They duck past a large pipe with a small trickle of water coming out. Past it, the stone ledge opens out into a wider space with a ladder at one wall. Riley walks past a door and the demon comes out of it, tackling him from behind. He throws it off and ducks a swing of its arm. Buffy attacks the demon and gets thrown aside. She leans against the stone wall and looks over her shoulder at Riley grappling with the demon. Buffy kicks back at the demon and gets it off Riley. He punches it, it hits him. Buffy kicks it again. It hits Riley and then Buffy, sending them both reeling back. Riley attacks again and gets hit in the stomach. He leans over in pain. BUFFY: Riley! Buffy grabs him and uses him as leverage to lift both feet off the ground and kick the demon back. It falls to the ground. Riley turns Buffy around and pushes her up against the wall. They both pant and stare deeply at each other. Behind them, another black-clad figure rappels down from above, landing on the stone floor nearby. It's a woman with long dark hair in a ponytail similar to Buffy's. She looks over at them. WOMAN: Hey. Buffy and Riley break out of their moment, look at her as she approaches. WOMAN: (to Riley) Hey there. (to Buffy) What exactly are you doing with my husband? Buffy stares at Riley in surprise. He looks a little embarrassed. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. Buffy stares at Riley. BUFFY: Husband? Riley nods. Buffy looks at the woman. BUFFY: Wife. The woman nods. BUFFY: And ... those aren't code names like Big Dog or Falcon or... (the others looking dubious) I didn't think so. RILEY: Buffy, meet Sam. Sam, Buffy. SAM: (sincerely) Pleasure. BUFFY: Demon. They all turn to see the demon behind Sam. It has gotten back up again. It snarls at them. SAM: (grins) Mine. Sam approaches the demon and grabs both of its arms, kicks it, takes one arm and hits it. Angle on Buffy and Riley watching, as fighting noises and demon growls continue off-screen. BUFFY: She's good. RILEY: She's a special one. (shot of Sam punching the demon furiously) BUFFY: How long have you been married? RILEY: Four months almost. BUFFY: Mazel tov. Any children? RILEY: Buffy, I meant to tell you. When the time was right. She caught up to us a hell of a lot faster than I would've guessed possible. She does that. (shot of Sam kicking and punching the demon) BUFFY: So, you-you guys do this often, you know, the whole ... husband-and-wife tag-team demon fighting thing? RILEY: Yeah, it's what brought us together. I almost feel sorry for the Suvolte. The demon hits Sam across the face and she goes down. RILEY: But not quite. Riley moves forward, picking up a taser(?) from the ground. He catches the demon's arm as it prepares to hit Sam, hits it in the stomach with the taser. Sam crouches on the ground, kicks the demon back. Buffy stands there looking pensive as the other two continue fighting the demon. The demon flings them both off and Buffy wakes up, rejoins the fight. Sam is holding the demon's arm and kicking it. Buffy grabs the demon by its head. BUFFY: Call this your wedding gift. She twists the head, snapping the demon's neck. It falls to the ground. Riley moves forward as if to stop her but sees it's too late. Sam looks shocked. BUFFY: (panting) So, guess that's mission accomplished. (turns away) RILEY: (kneels by the demon) She killed it. SAM: Oh, honey ... (putting a hand on his back, panting) That's okay. BUFFY: (turns back) Okay? Wait ... you guys have been tracking this thing as a couple for two days straight, and you ... did want it dead, right? Riley stands up again next to Sam. They look at each other nervously. BUFFY: Oh. SAM: Let me guess. Captain Can-Do over here (pointing her thumb at Riley) forgot to mention that this was a homing operation. (Riley looking embarrassed, getting something from his belt) But it's nice to finally meet you, by the way. Knife. Sam puts out her hand without looking, and Riley gives her a large knife. She kneels beside the demon. BUFFY: What is a homing operation? RILEY: It's my fault. I should have explained. BUFFY: That would have saved me some ... trouble. Sam slices open the demon's stomach with the knife. Thick yellow blood oozes out. SAM: Damn. Buffy makes a disgusted face. Sam stands up. SAM: We're too late. Finn ... how could you recruit the Slayer without filling her in on the objective? BUFFY: That'd be my question. SAM: (teasing) If we weren't under severe time constraints I'd seriously think about ripping you a new one. RILEY: (smirking) Stand down, soldier. BUFFY: He's your boss, too? SAM: (smirking) Oh, he wishes. We better regroup. Buffy, I hate to impose further, but ... you got a safe house? BUFFY: I, I have a house. I-I think it's safe. Sometimes you can't even leave. Buffy grins. The others look confused. RILEY: (to Sam) I know the way. (to Buffy) And I'll fill you in. On everything. Buffy nods. Cut to the Summers house, foyer, night. Buffy enters through the front door, followed by Sam and Riley. BUFFY: Sorry the place is such a mess. I haven't had a chance to give it a good cleaning. Reveal Dawn standing in the living-room doorway, arms folded. RILEY: Hey. DAWN: Agent Finn returns. RILEY: Dawn. Geez, look at you. I think you grew a foot and a half. DAWN: (sullen) A lot can happen in a year. RILEY: (chastised) Well, it's good to see you. Willow and Xander appear from the kitchen. XANDER: Hey, there's the man! Life taker, heartbreaker. (shakes Riley's hand) You know, figuratively speaking. RILEY: Xander, Sam. Willow... SAM: Hi. (all waving at each other) RILEY: Hi. (hugs Willow) WILLOW: We got your call. XANDER: We're here to help. Just like old times. Except, with you being all big with the married life. RILEY: Hear you're getting hitched yourself. Believe me, you're gonna love it. (Sam smiling at him) WILLOW: Congratulations, really, both of you. They all move into the living room. Buffy hangs back, and Willow goes to her. WILLOW: (softly) Just so you know? I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want. (shot of Riley and Sam talking closely) BUFFY: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty. WILLOW: Well, that's the beauty! You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us. Another shot of the Finns. They are laughing together, touching each other lightly. BUFFY: Go nuts. Buffy and Willow exchange a nod, proceed into the living room. Dawn and Xander remain standing by the doorway. Dawn still has her arms crossed and her expression says that she is still mad at Riley. DAWN: So. What brings you back to town after you left suddenly with no word? Riley, Sam, Buffy, and Willow sit. RILEY: Sam and I have been tracking a Suvolte demon through Central America. Killing machine. Nearly mature. SAM: Yeah, three months old and growing fast. RILEY: These things start to kill the minute they're hatched. And leave a real clear trail. SAM: Yeah. Just follow the villages with nothing in them but body parts. RILEY: Uh ... Dawn, are you sure you wanna be around hearing all this? SAM: Oh, come on, Finn, she looks all grown-up to me. (to Buffy) That is, if it's all right with you. BUFFY: Uh, sure, yeah, it's fine. DAWN: So, this demon shredded your guys, and now you're looking for a little payback? SAM: (shakes head) No. It came here to the Hellmouth to, to spawn. (sighs) But we think it already hatched its eggs somewhere. RILEY: And the plan was to track it. Let the demon take us to its nest. DAWN: And ... now they're gonna hatch a bunch of ... baby demon things? SAM: Unless we stop it. BUFFY: Which means we have to find the nest, and fast, before Sunnydale turns into the Trouble Meat Palace. Beat. Everyone looks at Buffy. BUFFY: I wish I'd said something else. XANDER: Okay, so we track down the demon, find the nest, Mr. and Mrs. Finn here make with the killin', and everyone goes home happy. (sits on the sofa beside Sam) But seriously, married man. If forced to choose between a photographer and place settings- BUFFY: We can't track the demon. (they look at her) I killed it. (chipper) So! Who's hungry? We got, uh- DAWN: Ice cubes. BUFFY: All you can eat. SAM: Buffy? It's good that you killed the Suvolte before it killed us. (to Xander) Disposable cameras. XANDER: Di - wah? SAM: Yeah, you, you know, little plastic ones, ten bucks a pop. You arrange them like table settings, guests snap photos... Buffy looks at them. Close shot on Riley's hand resting on Sam's knee. She puts her own hand over Riley's, lacing their fingers together. SAM: ...breaks the ice, and when the wedding's over, you get to take home the pictures. XANDER: (grinning) I like it! Shot of Willow and Buffy. Buffy stares at the floor while Willow makes snide faces at Sam. Riley and Sam smile at Xander, turn back to Buffy. Willow makes an innocent face. BUFFY: So, demon eggs. Any timetable on when they're gonna hatch? RILEY: Hatching's not the problem. SAM: We think they're gonna be sold on the black market. There are some foreign military powers that would love to have their own Suvolte. You could never train it, but drop it on an urban population... RILEY: And it cleanses the area. DAWN: Is that a nice way of saying it kills people? SAM: Lots of 'em. Money's been exchanged. There's a dealer in town, calls himself the, The Doctor. Willow, you think you can help with a little locating spell? WILLOW: (quietly) I can't do the magicks. SAM: Oh, Riley says you're comin' on as one major-league Wicca. WILLOW: I got addicted. The way addicts do. Willow exits toward the kitchen. Sam looks upset. RILEY: Two teams. No civilians. I'll, uh ... I'll go out and look for our Doctor. You two find that nest. BUFFY: Me and Sam together? RILEY: You come across a Suvolte nest, you're gonna want backup. SAM: You know, I don't wanna be dragging down the Slayer. (to Buffy) You've got speed, and power I can't even- BUFFY: Let's go. Xander, are you okay to stay with Dawn? XANDER: Yeah. RILEY: I'll check out some bars. Willy's, some, uh, crypts that I know. Everyone gets up. Cut to the kitchen. Willow sits by the island looking pensive. Sam enters. SAM: Hey Willow. I'm sorry, I think I really ... stepped in it in there. (Willow not looking at her) You know, back in the jungle ... we had not one, but two hard-core shamans working for us ... they were working the dark magicks, and ... got addicted. And now they're gone. (Willow turns to look at her) Gone ... as in ... there's nothing left. I've never met anyone with enough strength to quit before. Willow continues looking at her, says nothing. SAM: I'm just saying. Sam turns and leaves. Willow watches her go, smiles a little. SAM VOICEOVER: Thanks for letting me tag along. Cut to the graveyard, night. Sam and Buffy walk along, still wearing their all-black outfits. BUFFY: No problem. SAM: Maybe not for you. I gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer, you're like ... Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something. BUFFY: Fat and jolly? SAM: Legendary. And it's not just slayer status I'm talking about. It's you. BUFFY: Riley talks about me? SAM: He didn't say anything for a long time, but I could tell. He was ripped up inside. BUFFY: Good thing he has you. SAM: More like miraculous. I went down to Central America with the Peace Corps. One night, my entire infirmary got slaughtered by... (shakes her head) I didn't know what they were. I got saved, quit the Corps, joined the squad. My first firefight, I met Riley. (smiling) We started talking, you know, first about tactics, missions, stuff like that. And then about you. BUFFY: He thinks ... I let him go. SAM: (stops) Do you wish you hadn't. BUFFY: (softly) I wish things were different. I-I'm not trying to ... I don't ... uh, you know. (resumes walking) SAM: I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Buffy. There's no bad guys in this one. The only thing that could ... help Riley work it out was time. Lots of time. Took him a year to get over you. BUFFY: I'm glad he's over me. SAM: So, you seeing anyone new? Someone special? BUFFY: You know, I just take my time, you know, I don't ... I don't wanna jump right into anything, don't wanna ... you know ... be defined by who I'm with. SAM: Yeah, better no guy than the wrong guy, that's for sure. BUFFY: (suddenly) Sam. You know what? Um, I think we should split up. SAM: (upset) Oh, I'm slowing you down. I knew I would, this was just selfish of me. BUFFY: No, it's not, uh ... there's this guy, uh, an informant, but he's twitchy. I show up with company, and, and we get nothing. SAM: Cool. I'm guessing Finn needs me about now. (looking around) He's probably off somewhere gettin' his ass kicked. (grinning) You know how wild he gets. (backing away) Don't worry about Rye and me, we're good. Sam turns and walks off. BUFFY: (to herself) I noticed. Buffy walks off in the other direction. Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike sits on top of a coffin reading a book. The coffin is made up as a couch, has a blanket covering it and a throw-pillow on it. Sound of the door slamming open. Buffy strides in. SPIKE: Buffy. Hey now. (puts the book down, stands) If I'd-a known you were coming, I'd-a baked a cake. Buffy walks over to stand in front of him, pulling off her black gloves. BUFFY: I need information. SPIKE: Well, suppose I could be helpful. If the price is right. (Buffy putting gloves down) I'm not sure I'm selling out at Double Meat Palace wages, though. BUFFY: I need to find a guy. Dealer. Calls himself The Doctor. SPIKE: Human? BUFFY: His traffic isn't. SPIKE: Clock ticking? BUFFY: Whatever he's doing, he's doing it soon. SPIKE: (looking her up and down) Soon but not now? Beat. Buffy just looks at him. BUFFY: (quietly) Tell me you love me. SPIKE: (surprised) I love you. You know I do. She takes a couple of steps closer. BUFFY: Tell me you want me. SPIKE: (whispers) I always want you. In point of fact- BUFFY: Shut up. Buffy moves as if to kiss him, but instead she hooks her hand around his neck and pulls him down onto the coffin-couch. Buffy lies down on her back with Spike on top of her. She begins unbuttoning his shirt. Spike pulls at the fastenings on Buffy's bulletproof vest. She stares at his face, pushes the partially unbuttoned shirt down on his shoulders, then uses it to pull him down for a kiss. Fade to later. Buffy and Spike lie on the crypt sleeping with some blankets covering them, not touching each other. One of Buffy's bare legs is exposed. Sound of the door bursting open again. Spike stirs, lifts his head to look. Buffy looks too, gasps and sits up, holding a blanket over her breasts, pulling it over to cover her bare leg. Spike chuckles, props himself up on his elbows. SPIKE: Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious... Shot of Riley standing there looking at them, large gun in hand. SPIKE: ...but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man. Buffy stares at the ground looking upset. RILEY: That's not why I'm here ... Doctor. Buffy looks shocked, turns to stare at Spike, then back to stare at Riley. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. Buffy looks from one man to the other, still holding the blanket against her body. BUFFY: Oh god. She gets up. Spike sighs. SPIKE: Here I thought we'd run you out of town, mate. Buffy crouches down, scooping up her clothing, scowling at Spike. She goes off somewhere to get dressed. SPIKE: Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were getting the juice sucked out of you by some undead ladies of very questionable reputation. Spike sits up on the coffin, naked with his knees pulled up and open. Riley averts his eyes. SPIKE: Now, be a good tin soldier and, uh... (makes a "go-away" gesture) RILEY: Where are they ... Doctor? SPIKE: Where are what, and why do you keep calling me that? (begins putting on pants) RILEY: Glad to be back in Sunnydale. The locals all speak English, and I know who to beat for information. It's all brought me here. SPIKE: Look, crew cut. (fastening his belt) She's not your bint any more. And if I can speak frankly, she always had a little thing for me, even when she was shagging you. RILEY: Nice. That's very distracting. (walks closer) Now tell me, before I get unprofessional... (pointing his gun at Spike) ...where are the eggs, Spike? SPIKE: Eggs? (scoffs) You're off your nut. It must be those drugs they were keeping you on. I did warn you. RILEY: Okay. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the fatal way. Riley punches Spike in the face, just as Buffy reappears, fully dressed. RILEY: Where are the eggs? BUFFY: Look, the Doctor, it can't be Spike. SPIKE: No need to defend me, luv. Buffy punches him in the face as well. BUFFY: Look, i-it can't be, okay? He-he's too incompetent. (Spike glaring at her) It's just Spike, Riley. RILEY: Right. Deadly ... amoral ... (Spike smirking) opportunistic. (quietly) Or have you forgotten? Buffy glares, but has no answer to that. She turns away. RILEY: I'm taking this place apart until I find that nest. SPIKE: Over my dead body. RILEY: I've seen enough of your dead body for one night, thanks. Riley uses the barrel of his shotgun to shove Spike aside. As he passes, Spike grabs his shoulder. SPIKE: Well, you're not gonna- Riley shoves him back. Spike stumbles back against a pillar. Riley starts down the ladder to the underground part of the crypt. RILEY: (OS) You coming? Buffy looks up, looks at Spike. He stares back at her. She follows Riley. SPIKE: (angry) Oh, this is ... unconstitutional, is what it is! (grabbing a shirt, putting it on) Here! Cut to below. Riley and Buffy reach the ground. SPIKE: (OS) There's nothin' to see down there! Buffy hurries after Riley as he moves through the underground rooms. BUFFY: Riley, look, I'm not saying that he's good, okay, I'm just saying that he's not capable of something as- She stops as they round a corner and come upon the demon eggs. The eggs are about the size of beach-balls but brownish-grey and scaly. There are at least ten, possibly more. Riley cocks his gun. Closer shot of the eggs, surrounded by yellowish goo the same color as the demon's blood. Spike runs in, wearing the shirt (unbuttoned). SPIKE: I can explain. RILEY: We're gonna need more weapons. Spike screwed up. You didn't keep 'em frozen, did you ... Doctor? SPIKE: You can stop calling me that any time. If I may, the thing of it is, I'm holding these for a friend, who- Buffy punches him in the nose again. He falls down on his butt, his nose bloody. BUFFY: No more games. Spike gets to his feet, angry. SPIKE: Well, that's bloody funny coming from you! No more games? (Buffy rolling her eyes) That's all you've ever done is play me. You keep playing with rules you make up as you like. You know what I am. You've always known. You come to me all the same. RILEY: Can you shut him up? BUFFY: Not so far. Spike exits. RILEY: You better get outta here. Buffy backs away. Riley stands staring at the eggs. Suddenly one of the eggs bursts open and a baby demon pops out, screeching. It looks a bit like a crab or a very large cockroach. RILEY: On second thought, stick around. Riley tosses his gun to Buffy and pulls out the taser. More baby demons pop out of the eggs and move toward them, fast. Riley and Buffy back away. BUFFY: Riley, I- RILEY: Aim high, plenty of lead. BUFFY: I'm not exactly gun girl. RILEY: You wanna live, learn fast. Buffy fires the gun randomly. It hits a stack of LP records, shattering them. Another shot hits a pillow on the bed; feathers fly. A third shot destroys a lamp. BUFFY: These things? (uses the gun to club a demon as it flies at her) Never useful. She tosses the gun away. She and Riley look around. Several of the babies are scurrying across the ceiling. RILEY: We have to pull out. One demon falls onto Riley's shoulder. He grabs at it, pries it off. He and Buffy begin to run for the exit. The baby demons pursue. Buffy looks around. The baby demons are crawling across every bit of ceiling and wall. She runs for the ladder. Cut to above. Buffy emerges as Riley is lying on the floor just next to the opening to below. RILEY: We need a way to contain these things- BUFFY: Riley! Buffy grabs Riley's belt, detaches it. There are several grenades on it. She pulls the pin on one, and drops the entire belt down into the hole. RILEY: Get down! Buffy lies down on top of Riley, shielding him. Shot of the belt lying by the base of the ladder as the baby demons move around and past it. Wide shot of the underground part of the crypt as the grenades go off. Fire bursts across the cavern and engulfs the eggs. Wide shot of the above as a fireball shoots up from the opening, while Buffy and Riley lie on the floor cringing. The fire subsides and Buffy lifts her head. She and Riley are both panting. She lies fully on top of him. ANYA VOICEOVER: You know, if you love Riley Finn so much, maybe you should just marry him. Cut to close shot of Xander. XANDER: He's taken. And that's not the point. Cut to wider shot. We see Xander sitting on the edge of the bathtub and Anya sitting beside him on the closed toilet. Faint sounds of angry voices in background. ANYA: So you think that their marriage is better than ours, is that it? XANDER: No! But granted, I have a hard time imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in the bathroom. Sound of crashing and banging from outside. They both look toward the door in alarm. XANDER: (sighs) And I have no idea what Riley and Mrs. Riley's wedding was like. ANYA: Well, you haven't shut up about them. XANDER: Well, they have a great marriage! And it bummed Buffy out, but I can see it. And Anya ... I really have no clue what their wedding was like. ANYA: So our wedding... (Xander nodding) ...is not our marriage. (smiles) XANDER: Separate things. One fills me with a dread akin to public speaking engagements. ANYA: And that would be the wedding. XANDER: Which will be over soon. ANYA: But our marriage... XANDER: That lasts forever. Anya smiles, looking relieved. ANYA: Ah, well. That works out nicely, then. She leans over to kiss Xander. Another loud crash from the apartment. They both listen, looking unperturbed. Cut to: exterior of the magic shop, night. Buffy and Riley emerge onto the street, walk along the sidewalk. BUFFY: So, are you and Sam headed back to Central America? Or, is that classified? RILEY: Nepal. BUFFY: Sounds fun. RILEY: I'll send you a postcard. They both stop walking and speak at the same time. RILEY: Buffy- BUFFY: Riley- RILEY: By mission parameters I'm done here. But I have authorization to take the Doctor out. (pause) Do you want me to do that? BUFFY: (shocked) Do I want you to... (looks away) How can you ask me ... I'm sleeping with hi-him. (carefully) I'm sleeping with Spike. RILEY: I had actually noticed that. BUFFY: And then you come back ... and did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect and then send that demon here so you could throw it in my face? RILEY: Look ... you think this was easy for me? BUFFY: Yeah! I think it was a rollicking adventure, fun for the whole family. RILEY: I was terrified about seeing you again. BUFFY: Well, I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you. Riley looks annoyed, fidgets a bit. RILEY: I don't know what you're talking about. BUFFY: Riley, please don't patronize- RILEY: Hey! You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that ... burger smell is appealing? BUFFY: (upset) You smelled the smell? RILEY: Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved ... and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus ... but you're still quite the hottie. BUFFY: You know, it goes away after many bathings. RILEY: (laughs) This isn't about who's on top. I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work, and I love my wife. BUFFY: I know. And I kinda love her too. RILEY: So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse. BUFFY: No. RILEY: Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down ... it doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman. BUFFY: (deep breath) Riley, that night... (Riley just looking at her) I never got the chance ... to tell you ... how sorry I was. About what happened between us. RILEY: And you never have to. The door to the magic shop opens again and Sam and Xander emerge, followed by Dawn and Willow. SAM: Well, the wedding itself was held in a military chopper just before a hairy night drop into hostile territory. XANDER: Huh! And just curious, what's a chopper rental run these days? Riley and Buffy exchange an amused look. SAM: Oh, well, actually, we commandeered it from a local guerilla squad, so ... cheap! XANDER: Oh! SAM: Yeah. The others join Riley and Buffy where they're standing. SAM: (to Willow) You have my email, you promise you'll keep in touch? WILLOW: You won't get traced? I don't wanna lead the bad guys to your location by mistake. Sam and Riley smile at each other. SAM: Our line's secure. WILLOW: (smiling) Oh, huh, duh, of course it is! I keep thinking of you like regular people, but no, you're not. SAM: Oh, right, like demon-hunting is all exotic to a girl from Sunnydale. Dawn confronts Riley as we see Sam hugging Willow and Xander in background. DAWN: So you gonna say goodbye this time, or just ... split all secret-agenty like last time? (sound of a helicopter) RILEY: Depends. I warrant a hug? Dawn doesn't smile, but she steps forward and hugs Riley. Then he pulls back to look at her face. RILEY: Goodbye, Dawn. DAWN: I thought it would suck less this time. It doesn't. Riley smiles fondly at her. SAM: It was really nice meeting you all. (taps Riley on the shoulder, moves away) You ready for Nepal, agent? RILEY: (to Xander) Soldier. Riley follows Sam onto the street. The helicopter noise is louder and we see its lights shining on the group. Riley and Sam move a bit away from the others. RILEY: (to Sam) Fire-fights, bug hunts, big body counts ... yeah, I could use a break. A thin wire drops down from the copter. Riley attaches it to his belt. He and Sam put their arms around each other, and Riley tugs on the line to signal the copter. Long shot of the two of them rising into the air as the others stand watching. Buffy stands a little ways off from the others. Willow waves. WILLOW: Bye! XANDER: Bye! Bye Riley! Bye Sam! The helicopter moves away with Riley and Sam still dangling from it. Angle on the others watching. Dawn and Xander turn and walk off left, out of shot. Willow moves right, over to Buffy, still waving. WILLOW: What a bitch. Willow turns and follows Xander and Dawn away. Buffy watches her go, then looks back up at the departing helicopter, pensive. Fade to Spike's crypt. Spike stands there looking at the mess. His furniture and possessions, bits of demon, all scattered around everywhere, burnt and charred. He nudges a bit of rubble with his foot, sighs, stares at the floor. Buffy appears, stops a little ways off. Spike doesn't look at her. SPIKE: So she's back. Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier-boy. BUFFY: He's gone. SPIKE: (looks at her) So, you come for a bit of cold comfort? (sighs, gestures) The bed's a bit blown up, but then, that was never our- BUFFY: I'm not here to- She breaks off. Spike just looks at her. BUFFY: And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered. SPIKE: So this is worse then, is it, this is you telling me- BUFFY: It's over. SPIKE: (smiles, moves closer to her) I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want. BUFFY: I know that. (pauses) I do want you. (Spike looking surprised) Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while. SPIKE: I don't call five hours straight a little while. BUFFY: I'm using you. He stares at her. BUFFY: I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish... SPIKE: (moves even closer) Really not complaining here. BUFFY: ...and it's killing me. Spike frowns. BUFFY: I have to be strong about this. He continues staring at her. BUFFY: I'm sorry ... William. She turns and walks off, leaving Spike looking stricken. Cut to above. Buffy walks out of the crypt into sunlight. Blackout.
Plan: A: Emotions; Q: What is running high on the day of Xander and Anya's wedding? A: Xander's disfunctional family; Q: What family is clashing with Anya's demon friends? A: The ceremony; Q: What is disrupted when an old man claiming to be the future Xander shows up? Summary: It's the day of Xander and Anya's wedding. Emotions are running high with Xander's disfunctional family clashing with Anya's demon friends. The ceremony is disrupted when an old man claiming to be the future Xander shows up.
"Harbingers in the Fountain" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Garden. Day. AVALON, ANGELA, and BRENNAN are sitting at a stone picnic table. AVALON turns over a Temperance tarot card.) AVALON: Temperance ANGELA: First card she turns over is literally your name. Are you going to tell me this is a coincidence? BRENNAN: Yes, a 1 in 78 chance. AVALON: It was on top. It's not really speaking to me. (AVALON turns over anther card: IX with a man sitting weeping on a bed.) AVALON: Ok, I see a sick man in a hospital. He takes refuge in a dream life. (AVALON turns over the XI card with a couple on it.) You're there in the dream and you're helping him to create that dream life by tellin' him a story. (AVALON turns over a X card where a couple is walking happily together towards a building.) You're both so happy in the story, so happy it's almost sad when he wakens. BRENNAN: Ok, no offense to you and your psychic, but I just got off of a flight from Guatemala. I wanna go check in with Cam and then shower and change. (AVALON turns over the VI card, entitled "The Lovers.") ANGELA: Ohhh. AVALON: The man whose life you saved is really excited to see you again. BRENNAN: No, I don't save lives. People are already dead when I get to them. AVALON: I'm pretty sure you saved somebody's life. (AVALON turns over a VIII card entitled "Strength.") A man with a heart of a lion. ANGELA: Booth has a lion heart! BOOTH: (off screen) I do not like cats. (Cut to BOOTH and SWEETS in Sweet's office.) SWEETS: (sitting) Well that's consistent with the person you were before your brain surgery. (BOOTH is sitting on the couch opposite wearing a T-shirt and jeans and has grown some stubble.) BOOTH: I don't own a nightclub, I'm not married to Bones, you are not a zany bartender, and I hate clowns. So, can I go back to work now? SWEETS: When our sense of reality is challenged, you know, really challenged, it can take some time to regain our footing. BOOTH: Look, it's been six weeks since I put my brain box through the blender there, ok. I am back baby, huh? (stands up) Special agent Seeley Joseph Booth. SWEETS: Have you been in touch with Dr. Brennan since your release from the hospital? (BOOTH sits and lets out a deep breath.) BOOTH: Uh, no. She's uh you know in Guatemala there, digging up Aztecs. SWEETS: Do you miss anything about the alternative life you experienced while in a coma? (pause) BOOTH: Yeah. (pause) BOOTH: The clothes. Mm, I miss those clothes. They were great clothes. SWEETS: Ok, I am certifying you as fit for duty. (SWEETS stands up and walks left off screen during BOOTH's next line.) BOOTH: I am fit for duty. SWEETS: That's what I'm saying. BOOTH: Yeah, and what I'm saying to you is, (stands up) heh, you don't have to certify me for anything, (SWEETS comes back on screen, carrying his briefcase.) pal, 'cuz I told you, I'm back. SWEETS: Well, heh, in fact (sits down) you had amnesia, slurring of speech, identity confusion, (gives BOOTH his gun back) headaches, irritability, and double vision, so yeah, as a psychologist, I do have to certify you for duty. W-Why are you arguing? BOOTH: I'm not arguing. (BOOTH opens the door, turns around, and flashes his badge and a huge smile at SWEETS.) AVALON: (off screen) This man was lost. (Cut to the previous garden scene.) AVALON: You brought him the light that showed him the way home. Without it, he would've died. ANGELA: Oh, Booth was in a coma. Brennan read him the book she was writing. When Booth woke up, he thought that they had a whole different life together. He thought that they were married. He thought that for days. AVALON: You were joined at that time. You're still joined. BRENNAN: Nothing either of you is saying makes sense. (BRENNAN stands up to leave. AVALON turns over a X card, with a picture of a couple embracing, looking at a rainbow, and two children playing with each other.) AVALON: Were you pregnant? BRENNAN: What? No, of course not. AVALON: I mean in your book. BRENNAN: No, I deleted the book. I-I'm tired Angela. I'm gonna go check in at the office and then go home. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Romania. (BRENNAN takes her suitcase and walks away.) ANGELA: Underneath the icy exterior beats a very warm heart. AVALON: Her life is at a very critical turning point, between great happiness... (AVALON turns over a XIII card entitled "Death.") ANGELA: That's death. (Cut to BRENNAN wheeling her suitcase into the Jeffersonian lab. CAM enters the shot.) CAM: Dr. Brennan! Would you care to hug? BRENNAN: Why? CAM: Ok. I'm... good with that. Welcome home. BRENNAN: Thank you. W-What did Booth do while I was gone, solve boring normal murders? CAM: He hasn't been reinstated yet. BRENNAN: The doctors told me that he'd be fine in a couple of days, that's why I went. CAM: Sweets is examining Booth today, fingers crossed. (CAM exits.) (HODGINS enters and hugs BRENNAN.) BRENNAN: Oh, uh, I'm uh happy to see you too. HODGINS: Oh, I'm happy personally and professionally. Unsolved murders have gone up a thousand percent since you've left. BRENNAN: Well, I find that hard to believe. (BRENNAN exits.) HODGINS: Rough estimate. Welcome back! (Camera shifts to BRENNAN again. She is walking into her office.) BRENNAN: Thank you. (BRENNAN leaves her suitcase by her desk. She crosses to the couch, throws her purse on the floor in front of it, takes off her coat and scarf as she starts to sit down. She ends up sitting on BOOTH, who was sleeping on the couch obscured from the viewer. Both of them scramble up.) BRENNAN: Whoa! Oh! Booth! BOOTH: Bones! BOOTH/BRENNAN: Hey! (They hug.) BOOTH: Hi! (BRENNAN laughs. BOOTH stops smiling as the hug lengthens and pulls away.) BOOTH: Look at that, I'm reinstated on the day that you come home. That's the weirdest coinkidink ever. BRENNAN: No, it's not even the weirdest coinkidink today. But if you were reinstated today why are you dressed like a furniture mover? BOOTH: Well Sweets he just um cleared me so I came straight over to tell ya. BRENNAN: What took you so long to recover? BOOTH: Oh, um, don't worry, nothing wrong with me. I'm 110%. BRENNAN: Well, you know there's nothing more than 100%, right? (ANGELA enters.) ANGELA: Hey, Brennan. Hey Booth. BOOTH: Hey. ANGELA: Listen guys, there are a bunch of bodies buried under the Taversham fountain. BOOTH: How do you know that? ANGELA: Avalon told me. BOOTH: Who's Avalon? BRENNAN: Avalon is Angela's psychic. BOOTH: (sticking his tongue out) Phfffft. BRENNAN: See, even superstitious Booth doesn't believe in psychics. ANGELA: That's interesting because she says that you two were linked in a very profound and spiritual manner. (BOOTH looks at BRENNAN, unsure.) BRENNAN: (imitating BOOTH) Phfff. BOOTH: Phfff. ANGELA: Oh really, well she also says that in your weirdo alternate shared life experience thing that Brennan was pregnant. (BOOTH looks at BRENNAN again, then down at the floor.) It's odd that neither of you mentioned that. (ANGELA exits. BRENNAN gives BOOTH a look, but BOOTH is still looking down. She looks away and BOOTH gives her a look. They exchange a few more looks.) BOOTH: Let's go check it out. BRENNAN: What? No. Why? BOOTH: Six weeks Bones, I'm going stir crazy here okay? Look, let me suit up. BRENNAN: Can I at least take a shower? BOOTH: Yeah I need to shave. (Cut to exterior garden. A gardener is using a metal rod to turn a metal plate in the ground.) BOOTH: So this ground penetrating radar can really see things? (Camera shifts to BOOTH and BRENNAN walking around a fountain. BOOTH is pushing the ground penetrating radar machine. BRENNAN is holding the viewfinder.) BRENNAN: Yeah, a lot clearer than a psychic. You're dressed very oddly. BOOTH: What do you mean? This is regulation FBI. BRENNAN: Well what about the garish socks and the gaudy tie? What, you don't remember? You resist regimentation with these tiny symbols of rebellion. BOOTH: Nah, I remember. I remember, okay? Let me just re-acclimate myself at my own speed here, okay? What is that? (Close up of the radar screen.) BRENNAN: Nothing. Because there's nothing here (cut back to BRENNAN and BOOTH walking) because there's no such thing as a psychic. BOOTH: In my coma dream you were pregnant. BRENNAN: Sweets said that your dream was nothing more than your comatose brain processing what I read to you from my book. BOOTH: Wait, the point is how did the psychic know that if she isn't psychic? (The radar starts beeping) BRENNAN: Oh, the psychic was right. BOOTH: What about us being linked in a very profound manner? What is it? What do you see? BRENNAN: It's human remains. Lots of human remains. (Camera zooms underground to reveal a human skull and bones.) (Cut to opening credits.) (Cut to a close up of the radar screen.) CAROLINE: What's that supposed to be? BOOTH: Bones says dead people. (Cut to BRENNAN, BOOTH, and CAROLINE at the fountain. There are now a couple of cops with cars and a crowd of bystanders has formed.) BRENNAN: At least eight, maybe more. CAROLINE: Is there any chance these are very old remains of settlers or Indians who should be left in peace? BRENNAN: Yes, except for that. CAROLINE: What's that? BRENNAN: Plastic disk. BOOTH: Fine, listen, Bones wants to start digging, I'm wanna go talk to the psychic who sent us here. CAROLINE: I did not hear psychic, I heard anonymous source. BOOTH: Just get Bones the warrant that she needs so she can start digging. CAROLINE: Wow, you are keen to get back to work. Got something to prove, sheery? BRENNAN: Well it is plausible Booth feels the urge to prove that he's no longer brain damaged. CAROLINE: You can start. I can get the warrant in ten minutes. (CAROLINE exits.) BOOTH: (smiling) Yes, we're back! (He tries to hi-five BRENNAN.) BRENNAN: You're the one who told me never to look happy at a crime scene. BOOTH: Right. We'll look happy after we find out who did this horrible crime and get them behind bars. BRENNAN: All right. (Cut to AVALON and BOOTH in an interrogation room at the FBI.) AVALON: (putting her tarot cards between them on the table) It's very hard for me to explain my process. BOOTH: Well you're gonna have to do better than, um, 'I'm a psychic.'" AVALON: You're the man who was in a comma, aren't you? Would you pick a card please? (AVALON and BOOTH stare each other down.) BOOTH: Um, okay. Um... (He picks a card) (AVALON turns over a card with a picture of a king on his throne.) AVALON: You're worried you lost something. BOOTH: Look, M-Miss Harmonia, I really don't need a tarot card reading right now. What I need to know is how you knew that those people were buried under the Taversham fountain. AVALON: It's all in the cards, Agent Booth. You can't argue with what's in the cards. You never lost anything in that coma, Agent Booth. You gained something. (Cut to a shot of the White House from the air. Dusk.) (Cut to a shaft near the fountain. Cop cars are set up as a perimeter. Jeffersonian workers are moving above the shaft. Night.) (Cut to the interior of the shaft where BRENNAN and HODGINS are working.) BRENNAN: The remains are all in the soil beneath a layer of gravel. HODGINS: Ten years ago they renovated the fountain. They raised it on hydraulic lifts, sunk a series of shafts, mucked out the clay, laid down a layer of gravel, and then poured cement over that. BRENNAN: So it's reasonable to assume that the bodies were tossed down the shaft before the gravel was dumped. HODGINS: I've got samples of the soil, gravel, scrapings from the cement, and this. (HODGINS holds up a piece of fabric with tweezers.) HODGINS: If we're lucky it's something the murderer left behind. BRENNAN: Well you might as well head back to the lab. Start analyzing your samples. (ANGELA enters, climbing down a ladder into the shaft.) ANGELA: Oh my god. This is like climbing down into a grave here. HODGINS: It's great. Us back together again, chasing criminals. ANGELA: Yeah, a pit full of mass murder victims. What's not to love... (HODGINS exits) BRENNAN: As soon as I get the skull free, I'd like you to start facial reconstruction. ANGELA: Sweetie, does the fact that Avalon was right about these bodies make you rethink her abilities? BRENNAN: Ang, I have met dozens of shamans, medicine men, so-called holy people over the years and I've never seen any hard evidence that they're in touch with any spirit world (BRENNAN puts a skull in a box) where the laws of physics don't apply. ANGELA: Until now. BRENNAN: This is actual evidence, Angela, not some mumbo jumbo from a deck of tarot cards. (BRENNAN hands the box to ANGELA) (Cut to a bar. CAM and BOOTH are drinking.) CAM: First drink since the brain operation? BOOTH: Yeah, since uh, you know getting back to work. CAM: I'm honored. An auspicious occasion. So what do you want? BOOTH: Just wanna share a drink, you know, with one of my closest and dearest friends who, you know, I can trust um with certain things. CAM: Oh god. There's lasting brain damage isn't there? Something you haven't told anyone. BOOTH: What? CAM: Are you hearing voices? BOOTH: No. CAM: Seeley if you're hearing voices that's really quite serious. BOOTH: (to CAM) That's nice. (to the bartender who has given BOOTH another round) thank you. (to CAM) I know, I'm not hearing voices Camille, all right. Relax. It's just, well, I did forget that I wore goofy socks so we can do one for that huh? (BOOTH and CAM take the shots) CAM: The things that make you a good cop have nothing to do with the socks. What's really on your mind? (BOOTH lets out a big breath.) BOOTH: All right, um, that place that, I went to, you know, in my coma dream, it was just Bones and I. It was so real. CAM: You're in love with Dr. Brennan. (BOOTH stares at CAM who is smiling at him, then looks away. There is a significant pause.) BOOTH: What I'm wondering is, am I the same guy? CAM: A sweet, kick-ass, FBI murder-solver with hard fists and a lion heart? Yeah, you're still him. My advice, for what it's worth: forget the bruised brain, and go with your lion heart. BOOTH: Right, right yeah, and uh tell Bones how I feel. CAM: Yes, except be sure about your feelings because if you crack that shell, and you change your mind, she'll die of loneliness before she'll ever trust anyone ever again. BARTENDER: [in the background] Coming right up. BOOTH: Right. (Cut to the shaft at the fountain where BRENNAN is working. There is a music montage ["Fearless" (Acoustic) by Cyndi Lauper ] throughout the cuts.) (Cut to the Jeffersonian lab, where HODGINS is analyzing his samples.) (Cut to ANGELA's office where she is reconstructing the face to the skull.) (Cut to BRENNAN taking a bone and putting it in a box.) (Cut to HODGINS looking in a microscope at his sample.) (Cut to BOOTH's office, where he has put on colorful socks. He sits down in front of his desk and puts his feet up.) (Cut to ANGELA manipulating a computer program.) (Cut to BRENNAN pulling out a minidisk from the soil.) (Cut to BOOTH sitting on his desk, looking at newspaper articles about BRENNAN and his partnership. (Cut to the shaft. BRENNAN is still working.) BOOTH: (off screen) Hey Bones. BRENNAN: What time is it? BOOTH: Oh it's early. BRENNAN: What are you doing here? BOOTH: I...I hate this part of the case, you know, when you're doing stuff and I'm just at home doing nothing... BRENNAN: I-I have something for you do to. BOOTH: Right. (BRENNAN turns to walk over and pick up an evidence bag. The minidisk is inside. She walks back to BOOTH and hands it to him.) BRENNAN: This is um, the disk we saw in the GPR. (There is a long pause. BOOTH looks at the disk and BRENNAN at BOOTH.) BOOTH: Yeah uh, hey, look at that, mini-disk. Definitely 90s technology. (BOOTH climbs up the ladder, talking as he goes.) BRENNAN: But, don't you wanna go to breakfast? BOOTH: No time, I gotta you know get this to my people so they can find out the manufacturer and all that hooey and get it to Angela so she has all the information she needs to [unintelligible] BRENNAN: But no one is awake except you and me. (BOOTH exits.) (BRENNAN stares up where BOOTH was.) (Cut to a conference room at the FBI. SWEETS, CAROLINE, and BOOTH are present. Day.) SWEETS: (walking around the room) Avalon Harmonia is her professional psychic name. Born Sephanie Susan James. No criminal history. (leaning against a chair) No known criminal associations and in my professional psychological opinion, not a nut bar. CAROLINE: (sitting) Law abiding and sane does not explain twelve buried skeletons. BOOTH: (standing with a cup of coffee) She honestly thinks that she's psychic, I mean, she really does. CAROLINE: If she's not psychic then she's involved. I don't believe in psychics. SWEETS: Well, neither did I. Do I. Present tense. BOOTH: She got to you, huh Sweets? SWEETS: Ok, check it out, my Dad's watch goes missing three months ago. BOOTH: Right. SWEETS: I have no idea where it is. She tells me it's in the pocket of a jacket that I forgot I owned at the unclaimed goods at the FBI drycleaner. (BOOTH shrugs) Yeah. (CAROLINE looks dumbfounded. SWEETS exits. The computer monitor beeps. It is a call from HODGINS. He appears on a laptop and TV screen.) HODGINS: Booth. How many fingers am I holding up? CAROLINE: Yeah, brain damage joke. That's real funny. BOOTH: What've ya got? (Cut to HODGIN's office at the Jeffersonian.) HODGINS: What I've got are multiple degrees in botany, geology, and entomology, which allow me to discern vital clues like this one. (HODGINS puts up a graph on his computer screen.) (Cut to the conference room where CAROLINE and BOOTH are looking at the graph on their screen.) CAROLINE: What's that, a graph of Russian wheat production in 1955? (Cut to HODGIN's office) HODGINS: It's a microspectrophotometry scan indicating that the fabric we found with the remains... (Cut to a close up of the screen showing the fabric) HODGINS: (off screen) ...is lint free static resistant polyester. (Cut to the conference room) HODGINS: (off screen) It was designed for use in fire hazardous... (Cut to HODGIN's office) HODGINS: ...oxygen enriched atmospheres. (Cut to a close up of the screen. HODGINS puts up a picture of two men in blue jump suits.) HODGINS: US Navy refers to them as Poopy Suits. (Cut to the conference room) BOOTH: Right, you mean for submarine crews. HODGINS: (off screen) Yeah, exactly. (Cut to HODGIN's office) HODGINS: Now, my conclusion is we have uncovered the anonymous grave of the crew of the super secret stealth submarine (Cut to a close up of the screen, with a picture of a submarine.) HODGINS: Hawkfish, which disappeared in the late 90s. (Cut to the conference room) HODGINS: (off screen) Now, the US government denies the very existence of the submarine, yet I... (BOOTH shuts the laptop, cutting HODGINS off.) CAROLINE: The way it works Booth is that I'm impatient and curt, while you somehow keep the Squints motivated and productive. BOOTH: (as he takes out his ringing phone) Right, I'll keep that in mind, thanks. CAROLINE: Good. BOOTH: (answering the phone) Hiya Bones. (Cut to the Jeffersonian lab. The bone room. BRENNAN and BOOTH are looking at a skull with a hole in it.) BRENNAN: There's no sign of any violence on any of the skeletons we found except for this one. BOOTH: Could the victims have drowned? BRENNAN: No, drowning leaves diatoms in the marrow and Cam didn't find any, why? BOOTH: Hodgins said that it could've been a submarine crew. BRENNAN: Preliminary histological evidence shows that the victims were of both sexes encompassing Mongoloid, Negroid, and Caucasoid features and ranging in age from the late teens to the early 70s. BOOTH: That is a bullet hole. BRENNAN: Nope. (BRENNAN moves a microscope over the hole) Micro-fractures indicate that the projectile was moving much slower than any bullet. Also, (she puts her finger in the hole) I can't feel any beveling on the inside of the skull, but there's very slight beveling (she points to it) on the outside. BOOTH: He was killed from the inside out. (ANGELA enters.) ANGELA: Awkward. Awkward, awkward, very awkward. BRENNAN: Angela, what is awkward? (Cut to a work room in the Jeffersonian that contains the freestanding clear computer monitor. ANGELA enters, followed by BRENNAN and BOOTH) ANGELA: The casing on the minidisk that you found at the dig was cracked so there was damage. I did what I could but I got this one frame off the corrupted file. BOOTH: What's so awkward about that? ANGELA: This isn't the awkward part yet. (Close up on a sign on a car and a license plate. They are blurry until ANGELA makes them clear.) BOOTH: Glen Echo car rentals. And a license plate. ANGELA: I figure you have twelve bodies and this vehicle holds between twelve and fifteen, so-- BRENNAN: Ang, you shouldn't feel awkward about this. You should be proud of your excellent work. ANGELA: Now comes the awkward part. (ANGELA runs her facial reconstruction.) BRENNAN: Oh. Why'd you make a picture of the psychic? ANGELA: This isn't Avalon. This is the facial reconstruction of the first fountain skull. (Cut to interrogation room at the FBI. BRENNAN is standing at the table, while BOOTH is leaning by the window, arms crossed. AVALON enters.) AVALON: Hello Seeley. Hello Temperance. Nice to see you two together. BRENNAN: This is an official visit. (AVALON sits at the table.) AVALON: Am I in trouble? (BRENNAN sits.) BOOTH: (walking to the table) We just uh need you to explain a few things, that's all. (He slides an envelope across the table to AVALON. He sits.) BRENNAN: We're still trying to identify the twelve victims under the fountain. BOOTH: You see, Dr. Brennan and her people were able to give one of them a face. We need you to take a look at it. (BRENNAN pulls out a picture from the envelope and lays it on the table.) AVALON: Oh no. This can't be. BRENNAN: It can't be what? AVALON: It's my sister. (Cut to an exterior aerial shot of the Royal Diner.) (Cut to an interior shot of the diner. BRENNAN and ANGELA are standing, getting coffee at the bar.) ANGELA: Avalon told me she had no family. BRENNAN: Obviously telling the truth her sister's been dead for ten years. ANGELA: Yeah it's just you'd think that was something that would show up in the cards. BRENNAN: Well, the future consists of the culmination of a near infinite number of variables. Turning over a card has no effect at all. (BRENNAN pays for her coffee and turns to leave.) ANGELA: (following BRENNAN) Well then how did the cards tell her where her sister was buried? BRENNAN: (opening the door and walking out) Well I'm certain that the knowledge of her sister's remains did not stem from pictures on a card. (As BRENNAN finishes, they both stand outside and BOOTH enters, carrying a stack of papers in a file folder.) BOOTH: So, you're going to have to work late tonight. ANGELA: "Oh, hello Angela, you look so pretty today." Well thank you Booth, and hello to you too. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: Oh, she's being you and herself. I don't know why. What do you want Angela to work on? ANGELA: (reading off a paper in the file) Harbingers of a New Day. BOOTH: Right, Glen Echo car rentals uh it went out of business but we did find this guy who rented this van to the Harbinger group and get this, the group never brought it back. BRENNAN: Some kind of cult? BOOTH: Exactly. And you know what, (BOOTH closes the file and herds her towards the street as he talks) Angela is going to get to work on the Internet and find out all that information for us now. (ANGELA and BRENNAN start to walk away.) ANGELA: Yes, sir, on my way, you bet. BOOTH: Hey look, I'm sorry, Ang. You know, it's first case back, you know, it's been a long day. Maybe I got something to prove. I'm sorry, you look, you look beautiful. (ANGELA smiles, laughs, and kisses BOOTH on the forehead.) BRENNAN: Ah, would you like me to kiss you on the forehead too? BOOTH: Sure. (BOOTH closes his eyes and leans forward for a kiss. BRENNAN laughs and walks away with ANGELA. BOOTH checks BRENNAN out as she is walking away from him.) (Cut to the outside of the Jeffersonian.) (Cut to CAM, HODGINS, and ANGELA watching a video file on the clear monitor.) FARGOOD: (on the video) In order to clean society where we will no longer live amongst the poisons and pollutants of this modern... ANGELA: I managed to get a partial video file off the minidisk. ANGELA: This (points at a man in the video) is Tom Fargood. El supremo. He sold places in a secret undersea facility he called Harbinger. CAM: So these people are all nuts. HODGINS: Not at all, people pay a fortune to visit that giant underwater hotel in Aubudabi ANGELA: Yeah, Dubai. There's another one in Istanbul. Key West. Sweden. CAM: So where did Fargood locate his new Atlantis? ANGELA: A secret site. In French Polynesia. HODGINS: Buried under a fountain? That's a bit of a come down from Bora Bora. CAM: I count 14 people in this video. HODGINS: Dug out 12 from under the fountain. ANGELA: Look at this. (She pauses the video at a woman who looks like AVALON.) CAM: Is that Avalon? ANGELA: No, that's her sister. CAM: How do you know? ANGELA: Because... (she runs the video for a short time then pauses it again) that is Avalon. HODGINS: Wow. They look like they're pretty close. CAM: Her sister ended up in a mass grave that she led us too. I'm not sure that adds up to pretty close. (Cut to the conference room at the FBI. AVALON, BOOTH, SWEETS, and CAROLINE have been viewing the video file. All except SWEETS are sitting.) AVALON: It was my idea to join Harbingers. It cost every cent my sister Jenny and I had from my parents' insurance. BOOTH: Look, how much did Fargood get from you? AVALON: Almost a million dollars. SWEETS: What motivated you to join Harbinger? AVALON: My sister suffered from MCS. BRENNAN: Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. CAROLINE: Allergic to the whole world? AVALON: (looking at a certificate in front of her) Fargood put these gold seals on our diplomas whenever we passed part of his training. This day was how to use a spear gun to hunt fish. CAROLINE: Fascinating. I need to know how you knew where your sister's body got dumped. CAROLINE: I think you're hiding something. It rankles me. I'm rankled. I suppose this time you thought your sister was living in a yellow submarine. AVALON: The Harbingers facility, yeah. BOOTH: Well, why would she go and leave you behind? SWEETS: (sitting now) You did something that got you expelled, didn't you? What was it? AVALON: I went to an outside doctor for my headaches. It wasn't allowed. BOOTH: We're going to need a list of all these people's names. BRENNAN: And the name of the Harbinger doctor. AVALON: There never was any underwater facility was there? He just killed everybody for their money. My sister was killed for money. (Cut to the exterior of the Apex Free Family Clinic) (Cut to the interior. There are many patients. BOOTH and BRENNAN are waiting in the lobby.) LEACOCK: (coming over to greet them) I am Doctor Leacock. Ah, as you can see I'm a little pressed for time. BRENNAN: We're here about Tom Fargood and the Harbingers of a New Day. BOOTH: Yeah he knows 'em. LEACOCK: Would you like to come with me? BOOTH: Okay. LEACOCK: (walking to his office) Fargood wanted me to be the physician in his underwater utopia. I declined. BOOTH: Uh, why, because you thought it didn't exist? LEACOCK: No, I believed it existed but the idea-to spend the rest of my life underwater babysitting a bunch of people who were allergic to the 20th century? I'm more useful here. (LEACOCK leads them into his office.) BRENNAN: So, they all suffered from MCS? LEACOCK: Yeah, pesticides, power lines, incinerators, gas stations, fresh paint, even perfume made them sick. These people are canaries in a coal mine when it comes to blooms. I always thought they'd head down there, move into some renovated Russian submarine, and then come up and you know live happily in grass huts and a mowto. Was I wrong? BOOTH: Well, maybe you've heard of the twelve human skeletons that were found under the Taversham fountain. LEACOCK: Oh my god, are you serious? BRENNAN: If you still have their medical records it would be very helpful in positively identifying victims. LEACOCK: Of course. H-How did they... BOOTH: Dr. Brennan here is a forensic anthropologist. She's still trying to figure out the cause of death. BRENNAN: If they had MCS, it should show up fairly obviously in their bones. LEACOCK: Do you have a warrant? BRENNAN: Do we need one? LEACOCK: This is a state funded clinic. I-I have to abide by the l-letter of the law. I'm sorry, I... BOOTH: Right. We'll be back. LEACOCK: Hey, can I ask how you connected me to the group? BOOTH: Hey, we have our own rules. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the FBI building interior hallway. CAROLINE and BOOTH are walking.) CAROLINE: Dr. Leacock was right to require a warrant. BOOTH: Right, and I was right to tell him we have rules too, right? CAROLINE: Ugh, yeah. You know what, I'll have it for you in the morning. (camera pans away from her.) BOOTH: Great, that's all I needed to hear. Thanks Caroline, you're the best. (BOOTH walks into his dark office. He turns on the lights to find SWEETS sitting in front of a BOOTH's desk, playing with BOOTH's bobble head. SWEETS is holding a laptop.) BOOTH: Whoa, easy, don't touch the bobble head. Hey, Sweets, hi. I'm working. Everything's great, look at me, I'm fine, m-my brain's feeling good, so bye. SWEETS: Well I've been informed that your brain still thinks that it's in love with Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Great, Cam ratted me out. (He takes a golf club and heads to the other side of the office.) SWEETS: No, I found out through Avalon. You told Cam? BOOTH: Oh, great, she finds your watch so now all of a sudden you believe everything that she says? (SWEETS stands up with the laptop while BOOTH is talking and walks toward him. BOOTH walks away behind the desk.) SWEETS: Ok, you just admitted that you told Cam you're in love with Dr. Brennan. (SWEETS opens the laptop on BOOTH's desk. It has a picture on it resembling an hourglass shape in various shades of blue and yellow.) SWEETS: Do you know what you're looking at? BOOTH: Yeah and I'm pretty sure you haven't been this close to one in a long time. SWEETS: It's a PET scan of your brain. BOOTH: Hmm, then I was wrong. SWEETS: (pushes a button on the laptop) This is called the ventral tegmental area. This is the dorsal caudate body. Now these two areas have been proven to be linked to romantic love and sexual arousal. BOOTH: Okay, if this is your version of dirty pictures, it's really not working for me right now. (closes the laptop) SWEETS: (opens the laptop) Now this uh, (shows a picture of a brain) this scan was taken before your operation. The green and blue colors indicate very low activity. SWEETS: (pushes a button) The same scan while you were in a coma. Just lit up like the 4th of July. You were dreaming of being in love, of being married, right? SWEETS: (pushes a button) Same scan. Three days ago. Before your operation, you were not in love. After your operation you were. Conclusion: your feelings are not real and will fade away like every other symptom of your coma. Now, I think you and I both know that Dr. Brennan's hyper-rationality is really just a cover for a very vulnerable and sensitive core. BOOTH: Ok, great so we're talking about Bones's brain too here. (SWEETS closes the laptop and picks it up to leave) SWEETS: So, if you breach those defenses and it turns out you don't really love her... I left you hard copies. (Cut to the Jeffersonian lab. Main room. Several skeletons are laid out on tables for examination. CAM and ANGELA enter.) CAM: Based on the Harbinger video, Avalon names, and Dr. Brennan's analysis, this is most likely Louis Lampcov. ANGELA: The man with the hole in his skull. CAM: The only victim we know for certain that died violently. ANGELA: My 3D imaging suggests (turns to bring up a computer image of the skull) that a shaft shot from a spear gun through the soft palate would've caused the wound. (HODGINS enters.) HODGINS: (walking briskly to another computer) I know how everybody else died. Not Mr. Hole-in-the-Skull, but the others. CAM: (looking at the image HODGINS as pulled up on the screen) That's the crystallized calcium oxalate you found in the soil. HODGINS: Right. Minute amounts in the soil layer beneath each and every body. ANGELA: Well is it poisonous? HODGINS: No, but it makes sense to ask ourselves what processes might result in crystalline calcium oxalate. CAM: Liver or kidneys. HODGINS: Kidney function would do that to plain old oxaline, which is derived from glycolate. CAM: Well, Glycolate's poisonous. HODGINS: (showing a diagram of chemical formulas on the screen) Glycolate is a conversion of glycolaldehyde via the aldehyde dehydrogenase in the liver. CAM: A poison that isn't a poison until it's metabolized? HODGINS: Ethylene glycol. ANGELA: That's antifreeze. HODGINS: Sweet to the taste. Easily disguised. Administered over time, which gives the kidneys time to crystallize the stuff. It's virtually untraceable. CAM: Well unless some brilliant bug and slime womp finds it in the soil HODGINS: And that, ladies, that is why they call me "King of the Lab." ANGELA: Nobody does that but you. CAM: The early symptoms of ethylene glycol poisoning: fatigue, nausea, headache. HODGINS: Indistinguishable from MCS. CAM: Dr. Brennan's going to want to confer with that Harbinger doctor. (CAM exits.) HODGINS: Is that true about the king of the lab? ANGELA: That only you care? Yeah. (ANGELA exits. HODGINS ponders this for a moment, then smiles. (Cut to aerial shots of D.C. at night.) (Cut to the outside of apartment buildings. AVALON is sitting on the steps to one. BOOTH is standing talking to her.) AVALON: (sigh) I always thought that Jenny was alive and happy somewhere. Some psychic I am. BOOTH: Look, I don't know if you're psychic or not. AVALON: Then why would I send you to the fountain in the first place? BOOTH: (crosses arms) Remorse. (BOOTH sits next to AVALON on the stairs. He takes out papers from an envelope.) BOOTH: The neurosurgeons tell me right here that this part of my brain shows love. And this... (points to picture) AVALON: Hmm. BOOTH: What? AVALON: Let the neurosurgeons have your brain. They know about your brain. They don't know jack about your heart. AVALON: Here, (gets out tarot cards) cut the deck. BOOTH: (laughs) Come on, what is this? AVALON: Cut the cards. BOOTH: Alright, fine, I'll cut the deck. (BOOTH cuts the deck. AVALON turns over a card labeled "The Devil.") BOOTH: Oh. AVALON: She's in terrible danger. You gotta go to her now. BOOTH: Oh come on Avalon... AVALON: (at the same time) No, no. BOOTH: I-I'm still a cop, I know when someone's looking to escape here. AVALON: So chain me to the railing. Do what you gotta do. But you better go to her now, Agent Booth. Go to her now. Go to her right now. Go to her now. Now. Right now. BOOTH: Bones... AVALON: Go right now. (AVALON takes her briefcase and hails a cab. She gets into it.) (Cut to the interior of the Apex Free Family Clinic. BRENNAN opens the door. The office is empty.) BRENNAN: Hello? (BRENNAN takes a step into the office.) BRENNAN: Dr. Leacock, it's Dr. Brennan with the FBI. LEACOCK: (off screen) Dr. Brennan, come back to my office. Lock that door behind you please, (BRENNAN locks it) this isn't the best neighborhood. BRENNAN: (walking towards LEACOCK's office) There's been an interesting development in the Harbinger case. LEACOCK: (off screen) Yeah? BRENNAN: Well it appears that the victims were poisoned. But is there any chance that what appeared to you to be MCS was actually the result... (BRENNAN walks into LEACOCK's empty office. She sees several files with victim names on them. The one on the top reads Lampcov, Louis.) BRENNAN: You're studying the Harbinger files. (LEACOCK enters the office, holding a knife. BRENNAN turns just in time and throws a lamp at him and he falls to the ground. She runs out of the office into the hallway, trying to escape, but LEACOCK grabs at her legs and trips her. They both get up and start running down the hall, BRENNAN grabbing a rolling cart and pushing it into the hallway to obstruct him on her way. She reaches the locked door, but LEACOCK also reaches her and they scuffle at the door. BRENNAN picks up a metal tray from the front desk and hits him with it, but LEACOCK parries and stashes her in the arm with his knife. LEACOCK comes at her again but BRENNAN parries, knocking him over. LEACOCK quickly recovers and tries to stab her again, and BRENNAN defends her body with her right arm. BOOTH enters, breaking the door and immediately shooting LEACOCK in the chest. BRENNAN is sitting down against the front desk, her arm bloody and the knife still in it. BOOTH takes her arm and crouches beside her.) BOOTH: (holding her arm in both hands now) Bones, you all right? You ok? BRENNAN: Yeah, I'm all right, I'm okay. BOOTH: Bones, your arm. Look. BRENNAN: Oh god. BOOTH: No, don't pull it out. Don't touch that! (BRENNAN pulls it out of her arm) Bones... Easy, I gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha. It's gonna be all right, alright? Alright. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: (rests his chin on her head) Easy. Ambulance is on the way, ok? BRENNAN: Ok. Keep the pressure on it. BOOTH: Ok, I got it. I got it. Just relax. Just trust me, alright? I'll take care of you. Shhh. I've got you. Breathe. I'll take care of you. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I got you. (BOOTH kisses BRENNAN's head) I've got you, baby. (cut to BOOTH's office. BOOTH is sitting at his desk, playing with his cell phone. His shirt is covered with BRENNAN's blood. CAROLINE enters and crosses to behind BOOTH's desk.) CAROLINE: That's a lot of blood. BOOTH: I'm fine. This is Bones's blood. CAROLINE: That supposed to be good? BOOTH: She's fine. They fixed her up and uh, she's in her home. I should've been there for her. CAROLINE: You were there! You killed the bad guy dead. I know you hate that but it always makes me a little glad. Does that make me a bad person? (BOOTH gives a noncommittal sigh and a half smile.) CAROLINE: I guess that closes the case. (BOOTH stands up.) CAROLINE: Uh-oh. BOOTH: (pacing the left side of the office) None of the remains have been identified as Fargood. CAROLINE: You think the bad doctor was working for Fargood. BOOTH: Yeah. Used to be that my hunches were good enough to keep us working a case. (BOOTH sits.) CAROLINE: (walking to the door) Sheery they still are. That means our little psychic friend is still a suspect. And change your shirt. (CAROLINE exits. BOOTH looks after her then down.) (Cut to BRENNAN opening a door to AVALON's office.) BRENNAN: (in the doorway) Hello? Miss Harmonia? AVALON: (off screen) Down here. (BRENNAN walks cautiously down a hallway. AVALON is sitting in the next room at a kitchen table, with 10 tarot cards out in front of her.) AVALON: Dr. Brennan. How are you feeling? BRENNAN: Well they gave me medication so I feel how I imagine people of average intelligence feel all the time. I came here to see if you'd run away. AVALON: No, I'm here looking for clues. Something I might've missed. BRENNAN: (sitting down at the table) What, in your cards? Because that is a waste of time. AVALON: You say that after I sent Agent Booth to save your life. BRENNAN: Well, you knew where the bodies were buried. You knew Dr. Leacock would attack me. (AVALON turns over a tarot card from her deck. It is a wanderer in a field.) AVALON: You are an abandoned child. (AVALON turns over another card entitled "The Hanged Man.") AVALON: The world scares you, so you wrap it up neatly in bonds of reason, education, and proof. All riddles are solvable to you except for one. BRENNAN: Yes, the riddle of how you knew where your sister was buried. AVALON: No. The riddle you can't solve is how somebody could love you. BRENNAN: (laughs) Well, I'm beautiful and very intelligent. AVALON: The answer to the question that you're afraid to say out loud is, (AVALON draws a card) yes, (she puts down a card entitled "The Sun") he knows the truth of you, yet he is dazzled by that truth. (Cut to ANGELA's lab, a close up of the clear monitor.) ANGELA: I'm pulling up websites containing the words Harbinger, utopia, undersea, and MCS and running them through my facial recognition program. SWEETS: Hmm. Fargood's arrogant. He'll think he's changed his modus operandi but it'll only be superficially. ANGELA: What, so you think these keywords won't work? SWEETS: No, not specifically. ANGELA: By the time we finish a more general search, you'll actually have to shave. SWEETS: Ok, why is facial hair the marker of an adult male? Why not height? I'm tall. (ANGELA gives him a look.) SWEETS: Right, keywords. Uh, well, Fargood targeted a group of people who were sick of the world. Literally. And promised them a new life, right? A life without suffering. ANGELA: Sick of the world, of course! You know who you're referring to. SWEETS: Yeah, people who are in pain. Who've lost hope. Or sunk in existentialist despair. ANGELA: That's not literal enough Sweets. (sits down at a computer) You're talking about old people who've nobody else to turn to. SWEETS: Huh. (Cut to an FBI interrogation room. BRENNAN, sitting, is holding the photo result of ANGELA's search. FARGOOD is sitting opposite to her.) BRENNAN: Angela's right. The bone structure is a very close match. (The camera pans to reveal BOOTH sitting on the table next to BRENNAN.) BOOTH: See, we're trying to figure out exactly when you changed your name (takes the picture from BRENNAN) from Tom Fargood to Alexander Galow. FARGOOD: I have no idea what you're talking about. BRENNAN: You're selling shares in a very exclusive retirement community. FARGOOD: Very sound investment in your future. I recommend you buy. BOOTH: Well, we won't be doing that anytime soon Mr. Galow (sits down in the chair) because a significant number of people who put down their non-refundable deposits, they died before they moved in. BRENNAN: Probably from methylene glycol poisoning. FARGOOD: I want a lawyer. And I won't be drinking anything from that glass. You want my DNA? Get a warrant. BRENNAN: Well, there's no point in getting your DNA. We have nothing to compare it to. (BOOTH shoots a look at BRENNAN and then the door.) BOOTH: Excuse us. (BREANNA and BOOTH stand to leave. BOOTH drains the glass of water.) (Cut to CAROLINE, who was watching their interrogation through the 2-way mirror. BRENNAN and BOOTH enter.) CAROLINE: Alexander Galow's identity is bullet proof. BRENNAN: I'm certain that's Fargood. BOOTH: (off screen) See, she's certain, that is good enough for me. (comes on screen) We gotta keep this guy in custody or he's gonna run. CAROLINE: Good enough for you is not good enough for a judge. BRENNAN: That man poisoned 11 people and used a spear gun to kill a 12th. BOOTH: Look, we gotta find a way to hold him. CAROLINE: Don't arrest him until shift change. BRENNAN: Why? CAROLINE: We'll lose him in the system. BOOTH: FBI stall tactics, Bones. Thank you. (He pats CAROLINE on the back.) CAROLINE: (crossing to the door) Do not thank me. He'll be out of here in 24 hours. And even if you prove that Galow and Fargood are the same man I don't see a shred of evidence that he killed those 12 people. (CAROLINE exits. BOOTH looks at BRENNAN, who shakes her head. The camera pans to FARGOOD through the 2-way mirror, who smiles and waves as if he sees them watching him.) (Cut to the exterior of the FBI building. Day.) (Cut to a briefing hall in the FBI. Interior. Day. BOOTH is on the stage giving a briefing to FBI agents.) BOOTH: (pacing) I need proof that before he was Galow our bad guy was Fargood so, I need the van. (The screen behind BOOTH projects a picture of the van. BOOTH holds up a picture of it as well. Agents pass back folders of information.) FBI AGENT: What are the chances of finding a van stolen 10 years ago? BOOTH: And I need this. (The screen and picture BOOTH holds up have changed to a picture of the spear gun.) FBI AGENT: You want us to find a 10-year-old stolen van and a spear gun all in the next... BOOTH: 12 hours. Tops. BOOTH: (claps) Go. Perform miracles. (The agents get up to leave. BOOTH walks off the stage to where BRENNAN is waiting along the wall of the room.) BOOTH: This time we need miracles, they gotta help or we can't prove that Galow and Fargood are the same person. What is that? (BRENNAN holds up an evidence bag with a certificate in it.) BRENNAN: Avalon's Harbinger's certificate. (They start walking.) Remember, she said that Fargood applied the seals himself. The saliva on the seal is how we get Fargood's DNA with. How do we get Galow's? BOOTH: Human nature. Human nature Bones. (Cut to interior of the FBI. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and AVALON exit an elevator. The start to walk through the hall.) AVALON: You found Tom Fargood? BRENNAN: Well, that's what we need you to tell us. BOOTH: Only if you're up for it. AVALON: Well why wouldn't I be? BRENNAN: Well, because all these years you thought your sister left you without saying goodbye. (They stop in the doorway to a larger waiting room.) BOOTH: Really, this man murdered Jenny. BRENNAN: And then buried her in a mass unmarked grave. AVALON: Why are you trying to make this harder for me? BRENNAN: Is that Tom Fargood? (The camera pans to FARGOOD, who is sitting cuffed with his hands behind him. AVALON walks to him and sits down next to him. BOOTH and BRENNAN have followed AVALON into the room.) BOOTH: This the man who murdered your little sister? (FARGOOD and AVALON stare at each other. FARGOOD lets out a sigh, and suddenly AVALON attacks him, scratching him on the neck and drawing blood. BOOTH pulls AVALON off FARGOOD and holds her while BRENNAN bags AVALON's right hand.) AVALON: You killed my sister! You killed my little sister! You did that stuff to... (Cut to the Jeffersonian lab, where CAROLINE, CAM, BOOTH, and BRENNAN are watching video surveillance of what just took place.) CAROLINE: That is sneaky. BRENNAN: Is sneaky good or bad? CAROLINE: Good, if it holds up in court. CAM: Next time, make it look more like you're taking advantage of a situation not scripting it. CAROLINE: Don't keep me hanging people, are Alexander Galow and Tom Fargood the same person? CAM: Yep. Perfect match. BRENNAN: Well, your facial expression suggests that you are dissatisfied. CAROLINE: You proved that Galow is Fargood, fine, but now you gotta prove that Fargood killed those people and dumped them under that fountain. BOOTH: Let's charge him with murder. Give us time to find the spear gun and the van. CAROLINE: Sheery, what are the chances of that happening? CAM: A million to one. BRENNAN: Oh, we don't have all the variables, so...you were not being precise you're simply illustrating the difficultly. CAROLINE: Everything maybe always adds up in the lab, but in real life sometimes you lose one. (CAROLINE exits.) BRENNAN: Well, what should we do? Kill 'im? (BOOTH gives BRENNAN a stony look. The camera pans to CAROLINE.) CAROLINE: Still in earshot Sheery. Still in earshot. (CAM gives BRENNAN a look. BRENNAN looks put out.) (Cut to an exterior street shot. Night. A cab drives by. A clown is packing up his van. The camera pans to BRENNAN and BOOTH, walking.) BRENNAN: Fargood is going to get away with mass murder. BOOTH: You know, I don't wanna talk about work. BRENNAN: Well what do you want to talk about? (BOOTH stops at the street corner. BRENNAN gives him a concerned look.) BRENNAN: You all right? (pause) BOOTH: Not really. I just, I have something that I wanna say to you from inside my heart. BRENNAN: Oh, blood is in your heart. (They cross the street and keep walking.) The idea that the heart is the seat of love and strength of character is ancient, but metaphoric. I mean, in reality these qualities are based in the amygdala, which is part of the brain. BOOTH: No, I mean, ever since I've woke up from my coma I've been wanting to say something (he stops BRENNAN with one arm) to you, about you. BRENNAN: Well why didn't you say something earlier? BOOTH: 'Cuz I just, I just wanted to finish this case. You know, to make sure that I'm back, that, that you know I'm me again. BRENNAN: Well does the fact that we didn't close the case give you doubts? (BRENNAN turns from him and starts walking again. BOOTH follows.) BOOTH: No, we did the best that we can. Hold on, (he runs in front of her and stops her from walking) you don't, you don't think that I'm fully back? BRENNAN: No, I know you're fully back. BOOTH: You do? BRENNAN: Well, you're wearing your socks. BOOTH: Oh, yeah. (The camera pans to BOOTH's socks, which are now visible as BOOTH has pulled up his suit pants to show them off. A briefcase lands in front of BOOTH's socks. It is the clown.) BRENNAN: Oh no. (The clown sprays BOOTH in the face with water from a plastic flower.) Oh no, (BOOTH is doubled over, covering his eyes) he hates-oh, Booth, do not kill the clown. (She holds up an arm to stop BOOTH as he straightens up.) Oh... (BOOTH squeezes the clown's plastic nose and laughs. BRENNAN stares at him.) BOOTH: (still laughing) Come here. (He squeezes the nose again and laughs.) (The clown packs up the last of his van and turns to leave. BRENNAN keeps staring and BOOTH keeps laughing.) BRENNAN: Booth, you hate clowns. You do not think they're funny. (They start walking again.) BOOTH: Right, oh, before my coma I shot a clown (stops walking) off an ice cream truck. BRENNAN: Yeah. BRENNAN: Well I'm sure in a few weeks you'll hate clowns again. Be back to normal. BOOTH: Yeah, a few weeks. (BOOTH turns to walk again. BRENNAN stops him.) BRENNAN: What did you want to tell me? (pause) BOOTH: That I love you. (BRENNAN stares at BOOTH.) BOOTH: In a professional you know (hits her arm) atta-girl kinda way. BRENNAN: Atta-girl kinda way? (BOOTH looks at BRENNAN then away.) BRENNAN: Right back at ya Booth. I love you too! (She punches him in the shoulder.) Atta-boy. (BOOTH punches her back and smiles. BRENNAN smiles back. The camera shifts to CAROLINE behind them in her car.) CAROLINE: You two got a moment? (Cut to the exterior of CAROLINE's car traveling down a street.) BOOTH: (voice over) Ok, what's going on? (Cut to the interior of CAROLINE's car. CAROLINE is driving BOOTH and BRENNAN. BOOTH is in the back seat.) CAROLINE: I thought I'd give you the honor of arresting Mr. Fargood, Alexander Galow, whatever you want to call him, hell arrest both of you. BRENNAN: Well, you said we didn't have enough evidence. CAROLINE: For murder. You didn't have enough to charge him with murder but murder isn't the only crime in the world though it seems that way with us. BOOTH: (reading a file CAROLINE has given him) Grand theft auto regarding the rental vehicle? BRENNAN: (reading another file) Fraud by wire? CAROLINE: That man sold people a luxury hotel under the sea, if he can't show it to us, then he defrauded them. BOOTH: Illegal wearing of the uniform? CAROLINE: Those Poopy Suits were Navy issue. These are just the federal crimes mind you I've got the district attorney coming up with his own list. BRENNAN: What does this add up to? CAROLINE: About a hundred years, give or take. BRENNAN: He should be convicted of murder. CAROLINE: Luckily you two have me to pick up the slack when you fall short. BRENNAN: Ha! That's right, you should kiss me. What's wrong with you, Seeley Booth? (Cut to exterior shot of CAROLINE's car.) (Cut to the interior of the FBI. FARGOOD is being cuffed by BOOTH.) FARGOOD: On what charge? BOOTH: Oh, a whole bunch of them. Let's go. (Cut to BRENNAN and AVALON, who are watching the scene outside of BOOTH's office.) BRENNAN: I'm sorry we couldn't get him for killing your sister. AVALON: Sometimes you gotta just settle for the second best situation. BRENNAN: I'm sorry too for how we manipulated you into scratching his face. AVALON: It was rational. BRENNAN: Yes, and yet irrationally I still feel back about it. AVALON: The cards say only your top layer is rational. Underneath you're as crazy as I am. And that's a complement. BRENNAN: Doesn't sound like one. (BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: This is usually when we go and drink. AVALON: You two are going to keep doing things as usual. BOOTH: Sometimes you gotta settle for second best. (AVALON gives the two of them a look. BRENNAN looks a bit confused.) AVALON: By the way, my cards tell me this all works out eventually. (AVALON exits.) BOOTH: Oh. (in disbelief) Really? BRENNAN: What all works out eventually? (BOOTH just stares at her.) BRENNAN: What? (BOOTH walks into his office.) BRENNAN: (following him) What all works out eventually? END.
Plan: A: six weeks; Q: How long has it been since Booth and Brennan have seen each other? A: a dig; Q: What has Brennan been doing in Guatemala? A: Angela; Q: Whose psychic tells Brennan and Booth that there are bodies buried under a Washington, DC fountain? A: Angela's tarot cards; Q: What does Avalon Harmonia read? A: multiple bodies; Q: What does Angela's psychic reveal is buried under a Washington, DC fountain? A: the source; Q: What makes Brennan and Booth skeptical of the psychic's information? A: 11; Q: How many bodies do Brennan and Booth find? A: Sweets; Q: Who has certified Booth mentally fit to return to duty? A: duty; Q: What has Sweets certified Booth fit to return to after his brain surgery? A: his brain surgery; Q: What has Booth been recovering from? A: the coma; Q: What is Booth still experiencing side effects from? Summary: It's been six weeks since Booth and Brennan have seen each other. Booth has been recovering from brain surgery, and Brennan has been on a dig in Guatemala. Angela's psychic, Avalon Harmonia, reveals while reading Angela's tarot cards that there are multiple bodies buried under a Washington, DC fountain. Angela shares the information with Brennan and Booth, but they're both a little skeptical considering the source. The lead pans out, and the duo find the remains of 11 bodies exactly where the psychic said they would be. Meanwhile, Sweets has certified Booth mentally fit to return to duty after his brain surgery, but Booth is still experiencing some side effects from the coma.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY - TROPICANA/MGM (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. -- DAY] (Camera close up of an old rusty toy truck, a turned over shopping cart and an abandoned toilet.) (Two racers on their quad-bikes ride in and out of the area, each pacing with the other.) (BILLIE, the rider in BLUE, on the red bike hits a large metal canister and falls to the ground. The rider in RED on the blue bike stops to render aid.) Rider In Red: Billie! (The RIDER gets off her bike. BILLIE takes off her helmet and looks at the canister.) Rider In Red: My God, Billie, are you okay? What did you hit? (They both look at the canister #3077 with a large yellow sticker on it labeled "HAZARDOUS WASTE / HANDLE WITH CARE". Camera cuts to a white sticker labeled: POISON.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. - (RAINY) NIGHT] (BRASS shows GRISSOM and CATHERINE the body in the canister.) Brass: So, according to the girl, one minute she's blasting through the mud and having fun, everything's great, the next thing she knows, she's lying upside down in the dirt, staring at chemical waste. She called Hazmat. Now, it's not toxic. They saw the barrel was buckling, they thought it might explode, so they opened it. (They approach the barrel and immediately smell the body.) Catherine: Ugh! Grissom: Yeah, whoa-ho. Catherine: Soap mummy. Grissom: Adipocere, a.k.a. Mortuary wax. This is what you get when fatty tissue decomposes in an alkaline environment with limited oxygen. Catherine: All you need is a little moisture and enough time. (Quick CGI POV of: Camera close up of the body in the can slowly decomposing and turning into soap.) Catherine: (V.O.) Anaerobic bacteria digest body fats, converting them into a waxy solid. (End of Quick CGI POV. Resume to present.) Catherine: Kind of like the way they make vegetable shortening. Brass: I'll never eat another french fry. How long you think he's been in there? Grissom: How do you know it's a he? Catherine: Five, six weeks, minimum. Brass: With all this wind and weather, any evidence of the dump is long gone. Grissom: (nods toward the barrel) We got evidence. (beat) Signed, sealed and delivered. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (The contents of the barrel are turned over onto the table. ROBBINS is explaining the process to two other assistant coroners, one of whom looks like he's getting sick from the smell.) Robbins: Gentlemen, saponification occurs most frequently in infant burials. That's because their bodies have more fat, and their bacterial flora aren't fully developed. (as the barrel tilts) ... Slowly ... (The liquid from the barrel spills out onto the table along with the first body part.) Robbins: Hold it. (The barrel stops. ROBBINS picks up a ring from the table and looks at it.) Robbins: Hmm. Look at this. Something for Catherine. (ROBBINS puts the ring aside.) Robbins: All right. Let's pull the rest of this out. Historically, saponified corpses that maintain their physical features were looked upon as, uh, incorruptible, even saintly. (The assistant coroner in the room continues to look sick. Camera close up of the liquid soup coming out of the barrel.) Robbins: So, when it happened to children, it just reinforced that notion. Hand me that foot there, would you? Okay. (The assistant coroner finally lifts up his head gear, gags and exits the room. ROBBINS continues to pull out body parts and place them on the table.) Robbins: You know, interestingly enough, since formaldehyde is alkaline and American caskets are sealed, there are more bodies in this country turning to soap now than at any other time in human history. We are, in fact, the adipocere capital of the world. USA -- we're number one. (ROBBINS lifts up the hand with it's index finger extended.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY/LAB -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and WARRICK make their way through the hallway to the lab.) Warrick: Are you serious? David lost a body? Grissom: It happens. When I was working in Minneapolis, we had two John Smiths come in on the same day. Sent the wrong one back to Canada. Anyway, our body's still in the morgue. David finally processed his ten card. Guy's name is Keith Mercer. Warrick: When did he come in? (WARRICK spreads out the photos on the table. GRISSOM grabs a pair of gloves and puts them on.) Grissom: Eleven days ago. Found him in an alley off of Fremont in a pile of garbage next to the dumpster. Warrick: Eleven days ago? I guess we've got no more crime scene to process. Grissom: Initially, the police thought he was homeless. He hadn't bathed, no wallet, watch or keys, and he has scars on his lower legs. (WARRICK picks up a photo of the body's head.) Warrick: And a nice laceration with ecchymosis on his left temple. (GRISSOM picks up the evidence from the bag. First, the victim's shirt.) Grissom: Yeah, cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head. Warrick: Could have been an accident. (GRISSOM puts the victim's shoe down.) Grissom: Could have been a lot of things. (He reaches into the bag and takes out the victim's belt.) Grissom: Evidence without context is ambiguous at best. (He notices something yellow on the belt near the buckle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (ROBBINS goes over the findings with CATHERINE.) Robbins: Did you ever chop wood, split a log? Catherine: I've seen it done. Robbins: You should try it sometime. I find it relaxing. Catherine: (smiles) Mmm. Robbins: The blow here was delivered similar fashion. The temporal bone was hit, driven down hard. Upper palate smashed. Most of the teeth gone. Catherine: What about the foot? It looks as though that's been sheared off. (Camera close up of leg bone cut clean through.) Robbins: Yeah, by something fast and powerful. Catherine: Industrial accident? Robbins: No, industrial accidents are messy. These cuts are too clean. My guess -- single impact. Catherine: How about an axe then? (Quick CGI POV of: Camera close up of an axe hitting into a leg. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: Possible. I'll cast the tool marks. Catherine: Body in a drum in the middle of the mountains. Well, if the head and hands were missing, I'd be saying mob hit. Robbins: Could be ritual mutilation or fetish murder. Catherine: So, I.D. from dental records is out. How about DNA? Bone marrow may still be viable. Robbins: My thoughts exactly. (ROBBINS grabs the bone saw from the side.) Robbins: The preferred sample is a large bone with a portion of joint, and we freeze, grind and sequence. Want a breast or thigh? Catherine: It's your kitchen. (The saw whirrs when he turns it on.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOUNGE -- NIGHT] (NICK and SARA get a cup of something to drink.) Nick: Hey, Sara, I don't want to cross any lines here, but, uh, I've got this buddy who's not going out with anybody ... Sara: No. No, no, forget it. (CATHERINE appears in the doorway and calls out to them.) Catherine: Hey, Grissom bailed. You guys are with me. Nick: Good. (They take their cups and head out of the lounge. NICK continues to try to get SARA to agree with him.) Nick: He's a cool guy. Sara: No. Nick: I mean, you don't ... Sara: No, Nick ... Nick: Listen, just hear me out for a second. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (Camera close up of the ring. SARA looks at the ring and does an internet search on it for "FRATERNITY CHAPTER". She pages down through the different kinds of fraternity rings looking for a match.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT] (Wearing a mask and sitting on a chair, NICK tackles the barrel the body was discovered in. He swabs the inside. He notices the barrel plate.) (NICK cuts the barrel plate off of the barrel. He polishes the plate off. He takes a MAGNAFLUX (c) Magnetic Particle Test Equipment out from its box and sets it up.) (He pours some black powder on the plate completely covering the plate. When the machine is turned on, the black powder embeds itself into the etching revealing the following: 4LRW8464.) Nick: (pleased at the results) Gone but not forgotten. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (SARA knocks lightly on the doorframe as she walks into the lab. CATHERINE is inside at the table.) Sara: DNA hit on the soap mummy? Catherine: Yeah. His name was Christian Cutler. (CATHERINE looks down at the information sheet in front of her with the following information: [...182672K DATE:01-05-98 TIME: 11:22:13 EMPLOYMENT, LICENSING OR CERTIFICATION ... HOM V CUTLER, CHRISTIAN ****NO CRIMINAL RECORD **** /CAUCASIAN HAIR/BRO POB/CA ...EANT, HON DISCHARGE FEB 02-00 LAS VEGAS NV 89123 --ATION: E-5 ***** ] Sara: You got to love CODIS. What's his felony? Catherine: He wasn't in CODIS. Department of defense registry. He was in the army. An E-5 sergeant, honorably discharged three years ago. The guy drove tanks. Sara: Well, that fits. You know that fraternity ring? It's not a fraternity ring. Omega-Zeta-Alpha is a mechanical engineering honor society. Catherine: Hard-core mechie. Nick: Hey, hey -- want to know where his drum came from? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (NICK, CATHERINE and BRASS make their way to the warehouse.) Nick: The chemical company serializes all their shipping containers. That way, if hazardous waste ends up where it shouldn't be, they know where it came from. Catherine: This place seems lively for a warehouse. Nick: A good place for a rave, though. Catherine: Hello. Security Guard: The cover's 25 bucks each. (BRASS points to his badge.) Brass: I got a coupon. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (Inside the warehouse, loud techno music plays. There is a huge rink in the middle surrounded by protective glass. Inside the rink are a number of robot machines.) Nick: Robot rumble. Demolition derby by remote control. They got a show on cable tv. Ginger: (over p.a.) And here comes Spiker Chick. The death blade goes up, and the death blade comes down. Oh! Jabba the Bot is made of titanium, but how much can he take? (NICK cranes his neck to watch the action inside the rink. Off to the side, the robot creators with their remote controls drive the machines inside the rink.) Ginger: (over p.a.) Oh, we got a jam-up, but with this much horsepower, it won't last long. Slaughter's driving yellow belly into the wall, trying to shake him off. Oh! It's mayhem in the middle. ... On his back, taking a pounding. And here comes Spiker Chick with the death blade. Oh, no! We got a Spiker Chick sandwich! Spiker chick is going for Jabba. Oh, again and again! Oh, and in a dazzling array of skill and deception ... Catherine: Metal weapons, money, competition, testosterone. Brass: We got a roomful of murder suspects. Ginger: (over p.a.) And the winner is ... Jabba the Bot! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! (The audience cheers wildly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (Camera follows a small remote-controlled two-wheel robot with blade across the floor. CATHERINE and BRASS question GINGER, the owner of the warehouse.) Ginger: Bots fight all over the country, on tv, all over the world. This is an informal venue where competitors can come to hone their skills and their machines. Brass: You have a gaming license? Ginger: I don't need one. See, I just put on a show. If people bet, that's their business. Brass: You're the only house in Vegas that doesn't take a cut. Ginger: Hey, my daddy ran an independent shipping company he ran it right into the ground. He died broke, but he left me a bunch of empty warehouses. I needed revenue, so I developed a new market. (to JIMBO) Hey, Jimbo, you looked ferocious out there. (JIMBO looks up from tending to his robot.) Jimbo: Thanks, Ginger. We lost. Ginger: (smiles) Yeah, but I like a guy who goes down with style. Catherine: Look available, be unobtainable. Ginger: Keeps them coming back for more. Want to tell me what this is all about? (BRASS holds out a photograph. GINGER looks at it and recognizes the person.) Ginger: That's Chris Cutler. Brass: He's dead. Catherine: He found his body stuffed in a chemical waste drum from this warehouse. Brass: When was the last time you saw Christian? Ginger: (thinks) God, about six weeks ago. Robot rumble, big free-for-all. (Quick flashback to: CHRIS CUTLER yelling with pleasure as he controls his bot and demolishes the other bots such as "Hammer of God" and "Kill".) Ginger: (V.O.) Smash-'N-Burn was on fire that night. Dismantled three or four bots. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Ginger: He had the kind of fight that most of these boys dream about. (Quick flashback to: CHRIS CUTLER yelling and taking pleasure as he controls his bot. The other bots' owners don't look as thrilled as CHRIS CUTLER.) Ginger: (V.O.) Using the thing that he built to destroy the thing that the other guy built. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Ginger: It's a basic male drive. Catherine: (to BRASS) That kind of puts that whole weapons of mass destruction thing into perspective. (to GINGER) I take it this Chris was not well liked. Ginger: Let me put it to you this way, nobody likes a winner who needs to shove it in your face. Brass: We're going to need you to identify the guys fought with that night. Nick: As well as their bots. We can't have a murder without a murder weapon. Brass: I'll take them all. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- DAY] (GRISSOM and VEGA interview MRS. MERCER, KEITH MERCER'S wife. They show her the photograph of the body.) Mrs. Mercer: Keith went to Yosemite to climb El Capitan. The shield headwall. Vega: Did you go with him? Mrs. Mercer: I drove to Taos to see my sister. Vega: And got back when? Mrs. Mercer: Ten days ago. Keith's gear was in the living room, but he wasn't there. Vega: What did you do then? Mrs. Mercer: I called his cell phone. I called his office. And then I called the park service and all they said was that Keith had been by to pick up his permit. So then I checked the hospitals up there and nothing. Then I called the hospitals in Vegas. And then I called the police. I did everything I could do and nobody would pay attention. Grissom: Mrs. Mercer ... you have my attention. And I'd like to see your house. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MERCER RESIDENCE -- DAY] (WARRICK pulls out the climbing rope from the bag on the living room floor.) Warrick: Looks like his gear's all here. I don't see a sleeping bag, though. (GRISSOM studies the wood floor.) Grissom: It looks like someone was trying to clean up, too, but forgot to use their Murphy's oil soap. (GRISSOM stands up.) Grissom: Luminol. (WARRICK reaches in to his kit and takes out the spray bottle of luminol. GRISSOM closes the window blinds. The floor glows.) Warrick: You called it. Positive for blood. (GRISSOM looks around at the framed photographs on the fireplace mantle and on the wall of the MERCER'S.) (WARRICK continues to spray luminol on the floor in the surrounding area and finds a shoe print.) (Quick flashback to: Someone walks through the blood and leaves behind shoeprints of blood. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Got a trail of bloody footprints. Grissom: I may have blood here, too. (GRISSOM looks at the bookshelf and finds a bloodied finger print on the edge of a wooden box. He picks up the box and opens it. It's empty.) (WARRICK continues to spray the floor leaving behind evidence markers where he finds day-glo shoeprints. The prints lead up to the fireplace. WARRICK sprays around the fireplace and finds blood on the base of a heavy figurine.) (Quick flashback to: Someone hits MR. MERCER over the head with the figuring. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Grissom. I think I might have just found our murder weapon. (WARRICK picks up the figuring and holds it up for GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Camera close up of the various bots taken from the warehouse.) Sara: Spiker Chick, Donsueme, Slaughter 10? You really think one of these things killed your vic? Nick: They're fast, they're powerful, and the weapon characteristics fit, so I can't rule them out. Sara: Well, you know what they say -- it's what's on the inside that counts. (NICK tests the drill he's carrying, then hands it to SARA.) Nick: Well put. (SARA takes the drill and starts unscrewing the first bot in front of her.) (NICK starts taking apart the bot in front of him.) (Dissolve to: SARA takes a swab from the open machine in front of her.) (NICK takes a swab from the machine in front of him.) (Various cuts to both NICK and SARA taking swabs from the insides of the machines.) (SARA tests the swab. It turns pink.) Sara: I got blood. Nick: Yeah, join the club. Sara: I'll take these to Greg. Nick: I'll get going on the tool marks. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (The bots are placed in their own little booth separated by plastic sheet dividers. From the next room, NICK controls the bot and tests its cutting edge against a hanging chicken leg.) (The first bot, Donsume, cuts the chicken leg.) (Dissolve to: NICK takes a mold of the chicken leg bone cut.) (Dissolve to: NICK places the new mold under the scope next to the mold taken of the severed leg bone from the body found in the barrel.) (Scope view in focus.) (GREG walks into the lab. He's carrying a piece of paper.) Greg: Any luck? Nick: No. Tool marks don't match the vic's wounds. Greg: Mm. Could have saved you the time. DNA beats tool marks every time, you know. I ran your blood samples. Got a match, all three of them. (GREG hands NICK the results. NICK looks at it.) Nick: Victim's blood, three different parts from three different bots? That doesn't make any sense. Greg: Well, where did the parts come from? (NICK looks at GREG.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KELSO RESIDENCE -- DAY] (BRASS and NICK interview CHRIS CUTLER'S partner, BRIAN KELSO. BRASS plays with the little two-wheeler bot with the big blade. NICK sits across KELSO listening to him talk.) Brian Kelso: I buy and sell and trade parts all the time. From all over the place. Salvage yards, swap meets, e-bay. Nick: They usually have blood on them? Brian Kelso: I don't check. Doesn't matter if they're clean or dirty, only that they work. Look, me and Chris are partners. I built the bot, he drove it. We kicked ass, made good cash. Why would I want him dead? (BRASS looks at the photographs of "ROBOT RUMBLE 2003". The caption on the left reads: "SMASH AND BURN / FIRST PLACE". The caption on the right reads: "CHRISTIAN CUTLER / BRIAN KELSO". The two men sit with their bot in between them.) Brass: You know, Brian, I mean ... your best buddy drops off the face of the earth for six weeks ... (NICK glances over at the photograph.) (Quick flashback to: Smash 'n Burn in the rink ripping apart some poor bot. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (BRASS puts the photos down.) Brass: .... You get a call or e-mail but you care so much about him that you do absolutely nothing to find out what happened. You can understand why we're he, so straighten us out. Brian Kelso: There was nothing weird Chris be he did stage effects for pyrotechnica. Have some pretty good tunes, you know. Worth listening to. (beat) Or not. (BRASS hands the photos to NICK.) Brian Kelso: Anyway ... when Chris is on the road he's a vapor trail. He's not a phone call kind of guy. Nick: That's a nice ATV. You ever take it to the mountains? Brian Kelso: Yeah, sometimes. I, uh, I dabble in ambient music. (MRS. KELSO walks into the room with her daughter. NICK watches as she makes her way with the fussy baby to BRIAN KELSO.) Mrs. Kelso: She wants her daddy. Brian Kelso: There's some pretty good samples out in the mountains, especially at night. (She hands the baby to BRIAN KELSO. He starts bouncing her on his knee. She immediately stops fussing.) Brass: You know, you got a lot of hobbies, Brian. (The baby starts to cry.) Brian Kelso: Oh, you don't have hobbies you go nuts. Human beings are designed to make things. It's hard-wired into our brains. We make things, we build things to make more things. (BRIAN reaches for the milk bottle and starts feeding his daughter. She stops crying.) Brian Kelso: It's what sets us apart from the other animals. Except monkeys. Primates in general, I guess. Nick: Brian, Brian. Brian Kelso: Yeah? Nick: Hobbies take up space. You don't seem to have a whole lot of that here. Do you have a workshop? Brian Kelso: Uh, I rent a space. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WAREHOUSE -- DAY] (Inside the warehouse, it's busy. Machines whirs. The doors open and OFFICERS walk inside, evacuating the guys inside the building.) Officer: All right, guys, we got to clear the room. OFFICER: Come on. Let's go, boys. OFFICER: Excuse me, bud. You wanna set that down. Jimbo: Yeah. Officer: We need you guys here to clear outside. Luke: Oh, okay. Slow day oppressing the weak? Don't scuff your jackboots. Officer: Let's go. Let's go. (As LUKE and the OFFICER walk out of the warehouse, NICK and CATHERINE walk in. CATHERINE turns on her flashlight. More people leave the warehouse.) Officer: All right. We're all clear. Catherine: Is this a machine shop or a junkyard? (CATHERINE looks at the individual work stations and finds pictures of robots pinned to the shelves.) Catherine: I guess this is what passes for pinups with these guys. (CATHERINE and NICK continue to look around.) Nick: This is Brian's bot right here. Smash-n-Burn. And it's got a spinning weapon. I'll take it in for tool marks. (NICK looks inside the open machine and sees that it's bare.) Nick: And it's missing parts. (CATHERINE looks at another work station with matching photographs pinned to the shelves.) Catherine: So this must be Hammer of God. Or at least what's left of it. (Quick flashback to: Inside the rink, HAMMER OF GOD is demolished into pieces.) Ginger: (over p.a.) HAMMER OF GOD is against the ropes. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (NICK finds something on the floor.) Nick: Rust stain. (NICK takes out his tape measure and measures it.) Nick: Twenty-three inches. (CATHERINE turns around.) That's standard diameter for a 55-gallon drum. (CATHERINE continues to look around. NICK kneels down on the ground and starts looking for evidence.) (CATHERINE finds a broken press-on nail on the ground.) Nick: Catherine, I've got spatter. (Quick flashback to: The sounds of a saw whirring and a man screaming as blood spatters into the webbing of the grate. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: I think we've got our murder scene. (CATHERINE looks at the nail and recognizes it.) Catherine: I think we just got Ginger. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE talks with GINGER.) Catherine: We traced the machine shop back through a holding corporation. Ginger: To me. I own it. It's a rental property. It's a good one. It's popular with the bot boys. I would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. Catherine: Well, we found this in Brian's station -- your fingernail. (CATHERINE shows GINGER the nail in an evidence baggie #011-35736-77.) Ginger: They break. Catherine: Yeah, they also scratch. There were skin scrapings under the nail. We tested the epithelials. They're Christian Cutler's. Your shop, your fingernail, your waste drum with the dead guy in it. Ginger: I stop by every now and then to make sure my clients are happy. Chris was there alone one night working. He kind of got the wrong idea. (Quick flashback to: Smash-n-Burn is on and CHRIS CUTLER teases GINGER with the bot. GINGER doesn't find it remotely funny.) Christian Cutler: Come on. He just wants to play. Ginger: No, Chris, stop doing it. It's not funny. Christian Cutler: Way you keep shoving those ta-tas in my face isn't funny, either. (GINGER reaches out a hand and scratches CHRIS on the face. CHRIS yells. In her struggles, the fingernail comes loose and falls to the floor.) Ginger: Stop it! Knock it off! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: And you didn't think this was worth mentioning? Ginger: Hey, you guys asked me when I saw him last. This happened the day before the big free-for-all. Catherine: So, that's the price of doing business? Ginger: Yeah, you could call it that. Catherine: Here's the way I'd call it ... (Quick flashback to: GINGER grabs the remote from CHRIS CUTLER.) Ginger: Give me that, you son of a bitch. (She turns the machine on and attacks CHRIS with it. CHRIS screams. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Ginger: Listen, I let the geeks fantasize about me. And most of them are harmless, happy to stare and then go home and spank the monkey like good little college boys. But Chris was a dumb, vicious, army grunt. And maybe I wasn't as careful around him as I should have been, but that doesn't mean that I killed him. (CATHERINE stares at GINGER with surprise.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (WARRICK takes out the figurine from the evidence bag and lays it down flat on the grill, face up. He takes a bottle of "AMIDO BLACK" and sprays it on the figurine. He then takes a bottle of water and washes the figurine with it.) (He looks at the figurine under the light and sees something.) (Quick flashback to: Someone handling the figurine. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (WARRICK picks up the figurine and takes it to another machine where he lays it flat on the bed. He takes a photograph of the figurine.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- DAY] (WARRICK and GRISSOM question MRS. MERCER again.) Warrick: Mrs. Mercer, we found this statue on your mantle. It had your fingerprints on it. Mrs. Mercer: It was a wedding gift. Warrick: Well, we also found your husband's blood on the base of it. Grissom: Did you touch or move this statue at any time in the last ten days? Mrs. Mercer: Keith hated that thing. He was always trying to toss it. (Quick flashback to: MRS. MERCER walks in and picks up the figurine from the floor. She puts it on the mantle.) Mrs. Mercer: (V.O.) When I came home, I found it on the floor. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mrs. Mercer: I thought he'd put it there. I found it in the hall closet, in the garage. I even found it in the car once. It was like a game for us. (She looks at them.) Look, I came to you. You guys have been giving me the runaround for over a week. Grissom: Could you tell us what you kept in this box? (GRISSOM shows MRS. MERCER a photograph of the empty box taken from different angles.) Mrs. Mercer: We inherited a coin collection, and we figured ... we'd save it for a rainy day. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (CATHERINE and NICK watch as SARA works on the computer looking for a name to go with the honor society ring.) (The computer beeps. SARA searches on the Omega-Zeta-Alpha Honor Society Web page. She checks the membership directory under "C" for CHRISTIAN CUTLER'S name.) Catherine: Cutler-Comma-Christian. Sara: Ring's not his. Catherine: Never went to college. That part wasn't in his service record. Nick: Scroll up. Check the K'S. (SARA checks the "K" listing.) Nick: Hmm. Hold it. (They find "KELSO, BRIAN" listed.) Sara: Bingo. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (The Ring in a evidence bag is thrown onto the table in front of BRIAN KELSO. BRIAN stares at the ring.) Nick: The rings belongs to you, Brian. Brass: You must have dropped it when you stuffing your buddy's corpse into a barrel. (Quick flashback to: BRIAN stuffs the body into the barrel. His ring falls off into the barrel. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Here's the way this is going to play out. This is the best-case scenario. We arrest you for murder. The, uh, the jury likes your face, and, uh, you get man one. Then you get to spend the next fifteen years staring at your wife and kid through a wire glass window. Maybe if you're lucky, uh ... when you get out, you can take her to the prom. (BRIAN KELSO starts to cry.) Brass: She's going to be so proud of you, daddy. (Loud wracking sobs consume BRIAN KELSO.) Brian Kelso: It was an accident. Nick: You want a tissue or something? Brian Kelso: No. Hmm? (He takes a deep breath.) We were in the shop. (Quick flashback to: BRIAN and CHRIS walk into the shop. On the ground is Smash-n-Burn, chopper twirling slowly.) Brian Kelso: (V.O.) Real late, no one else there. I'd made some changes to Smash-n-Burn's program. We were testing them out. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brian Kelso: (quietly) Smash was acting ... really flaky. Sluggish, and then ... (Quick flashback to: BRIAN KELSO has the remote in his hand, surprise and horror written all over his face. The sounds of a saw whirring and a man screaming as blood spatters into the webbing of the grate. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brian Kelso: It just went crazy. With all that blood. (He starts crying again.) And ... Chris ... in the middle of it just lying there. I had to make it go away. Brass: Hey ... hey, Brian if it was an accident, why didn't y report it? Brian Kelso: It was my fault. I was ... I was so scared. Nick: You disposed of the body. Cleaned up the scene, dismantled the bot, and sold the parts. Brian Kelso: All I could think about was my wife, and my little girl. My little girl. I didn't want to lose them. You got to believe me. It was an accident. (He starts crying again.) Brian Kelso: (moaning between sobs) I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (VEGA and WARRICK walk through the hallway.) Vega: The bank flagged Keith Mercer's ATM card. Warrick: Really? Vega: Somebody tried to use it. (VEGA laughs.) Warrick: I guess the machine ate it, huh? Vega: Yeah, but we got the stomach contents. (VEGA reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a baggie with the credit card inside. He gives it to WARRICK.) Warrick: Wicked. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (WARRICK sets the credit card inside the plastic container and places the fume hood on top of it. After a while, the print appears.) (Camera zooms in for a close up of the print.) (Cut to: WARRICK looks through the database for a print match. GRISSOM watches as they find a match for: [Match Found: Willy Reddington Case ID: (4845-209- WILLY REDDINGTON Las Vegas, Nevada CRIMINAL RECORD: 10-05-02 Public Drunkenness 11-29-02 Public Drunkenness 01-05-03 Assault & Battery <<File 02157.5784>> ] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (VEGA and GRISSOM interview WILLY REDDINGTON.) Vega: You're not Keith Mercer, but you have been using his credit cards. Do you care to tell us about that? Willy Reddington: He lent me his stuff, told me to have a good time. Vega: When did he tell you this? Willy Reddington: Yesterday. Grissom: Yesterday? Willy Reddington: (nods) Mm-hmm. Grissom: Mr. Mercer's been in the morgue for ten days. So unless you were at a seance. Willy Reddington: I found him. Uh ... Grissom: Did you find that suit there as well? Willy Reddington: No. I-I bought the suit. Grissom: With this credit card? (GRISSOM holds out a plastic bag with the credit card inside. WILLY REDDINGTON looks at it.) Willy Reddington: No. Um ... (WILLY reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wallet. He opens the wallet and takes out a different credit card.) Willy Reddington: ... I used this one. It's not a platinum. It's a ... it's a gold. (WILLY REDDINGTON smiles. GRISSOM and VEGA look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (WARRICK is in the lab checking WILLY REDDINGTON'S clothes. GRISSOM walks in and takes a seat.) Warrick: So these are Willy Reddington's original gear. This guy was classy. He goes into a store, buys new clothes, and leaves the old ones behind. And they tossed them in the dumpster. Grissom: I wish these people would start checking IDs. Warrick: This is Vegas, baby. Anybody can get lucky. Grissom: So, blood? Warrick: Not a drop. (GRISSOM puts his glasses on.) Grissom: No blood on his clothing. (GRISSOM looks at the photograph of the shoe print taken form the house and the bottom of WILLY REDDINGTON'S shoe.) Grissom: The shoe treads don't match. And the guy's got no car. Warrick: Yeah, how do you dump a body with no car? What did he do, drag Mercer down the strip? Grissom: And if you're robbing a house, why don't you take more stuff? Warrick: Everything was still there. Except the coin collection. Grissom: I think the killer knew what he was going to steal. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GARAGE] (NICK and SARA walk into the garage.) Nick: Smash-n-Burn isn't some cyborg death machine with a mind of its own. Man, you've got to drive them. Sara: Well, we proved it couldn't have happened the way that Brian said it did. You may have your killer. Nick: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GARAGE] (SARA and NICK reconstruct the murder weapon Smash-n-Burn. They put the blade together and put the wheels back on to the original machine.) (SARA finishes drilling in the last piece. She steps back cautiously. NICK puts the remote together and readies it to be tested. SARA joins him.) Nick: Okay. Here we go. (He flicks the switch. Nothing happens.) Nick: It's not responding. (NICK fiddles with the remote. SARA silently hands NICK the drill.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA and NICK share their findings with CATHERINE.) Sara: You've got a transmitter module in the remote and a receiver module in the bot. They work as a pair. Nick: Yeah, and in every competition, each team is assigned a different numbered frequency. That way, each driver can control their bot without interfering with anybody else's. Sara: Or vice-versa. This is Smash-n-Burn's receiver. (SARA hands CATHERINE the evidence baggie with the electronic piece inside.) Nick: Yeah, and this is Brian's transmitter. (NICK hands CATHERINE the baggie with the transmitter inside. She compares the two numbers. The receiver is #84; and the transmitter is #89.) Catherine: They don't match. Okay, so when Christian died, Brian wasn't controlling the bot. Sara: Somebody was. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (CATHERINE and NICK walk through the hallway.) Nick: Brian claims the bot malfunctioned. Catherine: Well, we know it didn't. It was responding to a different control frequency. Nick: I don't think he knew that. Catherine: If he did, he was protecting somebody. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (GREG catches up with GRISSOM in the hallway.) Greg: Hey, boss. Um, I wasn't able to pull any DNA off your Vic's personal effects but I did find something else. Uh, those yellow on his belt ... I ran them through the GCMS. Grissom: You ran it? Greg: Yeah. They're sulfur. (GREG hands GRISSOM the test results.) Greg: Now, Warrick mentioned something about a missing coin collection. Now some dealers, bad ones-- use sulfur to polish up coins for sale. (GREG and GRISSOM walk into the lounge.) (Quick flashback to: Someone puts a dirty old coin into a ziploc bag and shakes it. He takes out the coin and it's dusted with sulphur.) Greg: (V.O.) Shake and bake. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: So I figure that your killer is either a coin dealer or a collector. And he transferred the sulfur to the body when disposing of it. (GRISSOM puts the pot down.) Grissom: Are you a numismatist, Greg? Greg: Oh, my grandpa started me off with a 1909 V.D.B. "S" Lincoln penny. Often referred to as a V.D.B. Because it bears the monogram of its engraver, Victor D. Brenner. It's a low mintage. Grissom: So, let's see, you surf, you scuba dive, you're into latex ... you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection. Greg: Weird, huh? Grissom: (shrugs) Well ... I raise cockroaches. (GRISSOM walks out of the lounge with his cup. GREG smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Camera close up of GINGER'S long fingernails tapping against the table.) Catherine: Look available. Be unobtainable. Except when you're trying to beat a murder rap. Ginger: Excuse me? Nick: Whatever you did worked. Brian's going down for you. Ginger: Oh, so, first you accuse me of whacking Christian. Now you're accusing me of doing Brian? Catherine: Well, you are the queen bee. The drones line up to service you. Ginger: What the drones do is make bots and break bots. And while they're up wiring and soldering all night long, you know where I am? I'm at home. With this. (GINGER pulls out a photograph of a man. She shows it to CATHERINE.) Catherine: Does it have a name or did it come with the wallet? Ginger: Pretty funny for a scientist. (GINGER takes the picture from CATHERINE.) Ginger: Let me make it easy for you. And in case you can't spell, that "E-S-Q" means he and his entire law firm are going to be all over your ass. (GINGER stands up.) Ginger: Next time you want to talk to me, talk to him. (She leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM is in the lab looking through KEITH MERCER'S wallet. He pulls out a wedding picture of KEITH and his WIFE. Through the glass, we see DET. VEGA walking toward the room. He knocks lightly on the door before walking inside.) Vega: Hey, I was able to pull the cell phone records for our vic. (GRISSOM pulls out a NEVADA DEPARTMENT OF FORESTRY / HIKING AND TRAIL PERMIT for: Name: MERCER, KEITH Address: 311 SEPHILL ROAD LAS VEGAS, NV 89108 EMER. PHONE: (702) 555-0287 LNV 9866187 EXPIRES: 2006 ] Vega: Most of the calls went to the office, two went to the wife. But there are two who are interesting. Jones Collectibles. (VEGA hands GRISSOM the sheet of cell phone calls from "ALL-WORLD PHONE ... / L.V.P.D. REQUEST". The highlighted number reads: NV 555-0167 / Jones Collectibles / 1:00 (Minutes) / for .12 (Amount).) Vega: Guy is a small-time fence. That mean anything to you? (GRISSOM picks up a small slip of torn notebook paper from KEITH MERCER'S wallet. On it is written: JC (702) 555-0167. He compares it to the phone listing. It's a match.) Grissom: Does now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JONES COLLECTIBLES -- DAY] (GREG walks up to JONES COLLECTIBLES and enters the shop.) Mr. Jones: Anything I can help you with, let me know. (GREG looks around.) Greg: I heard that you dealt in coins. Mr. Jones: Really? From whom? Greg: Grissom. (MR. JONES has a confused look on his face. The name doesn't ring a bell for him.) Greg: He's a friend of mine. We work together. Uh, looking to see what you got. I'd like to make a trade. (GREG holds out his Lincoln penny. MR. JONES takes it and looks at it.) Mr. Jones: Why the flip? Greg: I've been meaning to get it slabbed. (Sirens blare outside. MR. JONES takes an eye piece and examines the penny. GREG waits patiently.) Mr. Jones: Not bad. No hairlines. No fly specks. You got yourself a slider. (He hands the penny back to GREG.) Greg: I'd like to get myself a 1916 "d" dime. Been all over Vegas, can't find one. You got any? Mr. Jones: I might have one, but it's pricey. Greg: Hey, so is mine. (MR. JONES looks at GREG and considers him for a long moment. He turns away and reaches down into the drawer where he takes out a case. Inside the case are coins. GREG leans in and looks at the coins. He's impressed.) Greg: 1907 Saint Goddins double eagle gold piece. I've only seen that in books. Mr. Jones: And that's as close as you get. If you want to deal for the "D" dime, it's yours. Greg: I'll take it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WAREHOUSE WORKSHOP] (Camera close up of LUKE and his machine, HAMMER OF GOD. CATHERINE and NICK are back at the warehouse workshop.) (NICK grabs one of the photographs.) Nick: The bot was on a different control frequency, which means someone was using a different transmitter. Catherine: Puppet master. Somebody else was pulling the strings. Nick: That would explain why the bot was sluggish. (Quick flashback to: CHRIS showing BRIAN what's wrong with Smash-n-Burn. The machine whirls, but it's not smooth.) Christian Cutler: See, she sticks, Brian. Brian Kelso: Maybe there's something jammed. (BRIAN kneels down and picks up the machine. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE walks around.) Catherine: So, what's the range of those controllers anyway? Nick: It's limited. Definitely not outside this building. (NICK reaches across the workstation and pulls down another photograph of LUKE and his machine, HAMMER OF GOD.) Catherine: So, if somebody hijacked Brian's bot they'd have to be nearby, but ... obviously, out of sight. (CATHERINE looks up at the door at the top of the stairs. It's near and it's dark inside.) (Quick flashback to: Someone sitting inside the door at the top of the stairs with a remote in his hands. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Well, there's a good place to hide up there. Opportunity. (NICK pulls down a photograph and shows it to CATHERINE. It's a photograph of LUKE and the busted HAMMER OF GOD.) Nick: Maybe we've got motive. Catherine: Ooh, proud papa. The man who built Hammer of God. Nick: Which leaves us with ... means. (NICK looks around.) Transmitter modules. (NICK reaches up on the shelf of LUKE'S workstation and takes down a plastic storage container with transmitter modules in it. The slots are labeled.) Nick: Yeah, check out the 80s. 81, 82, 83 ... 85, 86? Catherine: And look what's missing: 84. (NICK chuckles.) Nick: I bet I know who's got it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JONES COLLECTIBLES -- DAY] (GREG is back at the Coin Dealers' with GRISSOM, VEGA and some OFFICERS.) Mr. Jones: (to GRISSOM) Guy came in a couple of weeks ago with this collection looking to sell. I bought it. Grissom: There must be $50,000 worth of coins in there, isn't there, Greg? (GRISSOM shows the coin case to GREG. MR. JONES looks at GREG and recognizes him. GREG looks at the coins.) Greg: At least. Grissom: You must have a record of the transaction. Mr. Jones: I know I got it somewhere. Grissom: Maybe it's in your car. Vega: Mind if we help you look? Mr. Jones: No, go ahead. I got nothing to hide. (MR. JONES tosses VEGA the keys.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JONES COLLECTIBLES - PARKING LOT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (VEGA opens the back of MR. JONES' car. GRISSOM looks inside. GREG stands behind and looks into the back of the car.) Greg: Ten-inch subs. 400 watts. Four channels? That's state-of-the-art. Those hot, too? It kind of looks like the de Lorean from back to the future. (GRISSOM finds some powdery substance. He sniffs it.) Grissom: Trace amounts of sulfur. You don't artificially tone your coins, do you, Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones: Hey, my merchandise is authentic. (GRISSOM finds some blood inside the car.) Grissom: Well, you may have some authentic blood in your car as well. (Quick flashback to: MR. JONES opens the back of the car and puts KEITH MERCER'S body inside. It scrapes against the back seat and leaves behind blood evidence. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mr. Jones: Yeah, well, I cut my finger the other day. Grissom: Huh. Greg: That's Keith Mercer's blood. You know it and when I get back to the lab, I'm going to prove it. (smiles) I think you're busted. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY] (LUKE is escorted through the hallway by a police officer. He glares at BRIAN KELSO as they pass each other. BRIAN is also escorted by an officer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (CATHERINE shows LUKE a photo that they took from his workshop of the demolished HAMMER OF GOD machine.) Catherine: So ... what happened? Luke: I lost. Nick: You didn't lose. You were destroyed. (Quick flashback to: LUKE at his remote. CHRIS CUTLER laughing at his remote. And HAMMER OF GOD in pieces inside the rink. Despite already defeating HAMMER OF GOD, CHRIS CULTER continues to have SMASH-N-BURN pulverize the broken bot.) Chris Cutler: (laughing and taunting) Ooh! You got nothing left, Luke! (CHRIS CUTLER continues to send his machine into what's left of HAMMER OF GOD. He continues to laugh and taunt LUKE. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: And you wanted revenge. Catherine: You couldn't kill Christian's bot so you killed Christian. Luke: I heard Brian killed him. Nick: This is the transmitter from Christian's robot. (NICK holds up the transmitter in a bag.) Luke: So? Nick: So ... it's got your DNA on it. (Quick flashback to: LUKE tampers with the remote. He opens it and temporarily puts the transmitter #89 in between his lips while he fiddles with the remote's insides. He puts the transmitter into the remote. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Brian wasn't in control of the bot. You were. (Quick flashback to: LUKE sits in the little room at the top of the stairs. In the darkness, he holds the remote that controls the bot. Outside, CHRIS and BRIAN lean over the machine.) (LUKE makes the machine move. It cuts right in to CHRIS, knocking him to the floor in pain.) Brian Kelso: Oh, my god! I can't turn it off! (BRIAN jumps out of the way while desperately trying to control the bot. LUKE makes the bot turn and head back straight for CHRIS. The machine whirrs as CHRIS screams, sending blood into the grates.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: The bot wasn't the only thing you manipulated, Luke. (Quick flashback to: LUKE appears to walk into the warehouse from the door at the top of the stairs. He acts surprised when he sees BRIAN and CHRIS.) Brian Kelso: Chris! Chris! Luke: Oh, my god. What did you do?! Brian Kelso: It was an accident. The bot just ... oh, my god! Oh, we've got to call the cops! Luke: If you do that, they're going to think you did this. Brian Kelso: I didn't do it. Luke: They're going to put you in prison for life. I'll keep this quiet, but you have to get rid of this body. (BRIAN and LUKE pick up the body and put it in the barrel.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Brian gave you up. Nick: No place to hide now. (LUKE pulls the photograph of the destroyed HAMMER OF GOD toward him.) Catherine: I know what it must've been like for you. Having created something, only to lose it. Luke: Let me guess. You have a kid? Catherine: Yes, I have a daughter. Luke: And you think that just because you squeeze a baby out from between your legs, you know how I feel? That's biology. Any animal can do that. Catherine: Uh-huh. Luke: But I took a thought from my head and I made it real. It was ... perfect. (Standing behind LUKE, NICK shakes his head at the logic.) Catherine: I guess the only flaw then was you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the lab.) Grissom: How's it look? Greg: Oh. Blood in the car is the victim's. (GREG hands GRISSOM the test results, then turns back to whatever he's working on.) Grissom: Keith Mercer made a bad call. (Quick flashback to: MR. JONES is on the phone with KEITH MERCER.) Mr. Jones: (to phone) Yeah, it sounds like a pretty nice collection. How about I come by Saturday and take a look? Keith Mercer: (from phone) Uh, this weekend's no good. My wife and I are out of town. (Cut to: KEITH MERCER comes home early and finds MR. JONES in his house near the book shelf.) Keith Mercer: Hey, what are you doing? (Caught, MR. JONES picks up the figurine and hits KEITH MERCER on the head with it.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: Told you that dude was busted. Grissom: What happened to your enthusiasm, Greg? (GREG looks up at GRISSOM.) Greg: Well ... every time I make another DNA match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there ... felt large. Grissom: Out there ... means a pay cut. Greg: I'm not about the money. (GRISSOM takes off his glasses.) Grissom: That's good to know. (GRISSOM leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
Plan: A: Nick; Q: Who is the third investigator on the case? A: months; Q: How old was the body found in the mountains? A: the man's identity; Q: What discovery led the team to the world of robot wars? A: Grissom; Q: Along with Warrick, who investigates a murder in an alley? A: a man; Q: Who was found murdered in an alley? A: their efforts; Q: What did the medical examiner's loss of the body complicate? A: the medical examiner; Q: Who lost the body for 11 days? A: Greg; Q: Who helps the case by doing some undercover work? Summary: Catherine, Nick, and Sara investigate a seemingly months old body found in the mountains. Discovery of the man's identity lead the team to the world of robot wars. Warrick and Grissom look into the case of a man found murdered in an alley. Complicating their efforts, the medical examiner "lost" the body for 11 days. Greg helps this case by doing some undercover work.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Hades: Our secret remains safe. Regina: The author's pen? Henry: I'm gonna write the stories as they are, and I'll start with Hades. Hades: She's pregnant. You two had a contract, which he just signed over to me. At any time, I can cash in and take... your... baby. You work for me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land of Oz - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's Zelena's birthday, and she is spending it alone with a cupcake. Through a mirror, she is watching Cora abandon her as a baby) Cora: Poor babe. Now I must give you away to give me... (Voice breaking) my best chance. Wicked Witch: (Angrily stops the scene in the mirror) You gave away the wrong child, Mother. Soon, you'll see. Soon. (Blows out the candle.) (The door suddenly bangs open and a flying monkey enters, carrying the scarecrow as a prisoner. Zelena turns to face them.) Scarecrow: Aaaah! Whoa! No, no, no, no, no! Unh! (Lands on the ground with a thud) Wicked Witch: (Walks towards him) Well, isn't this nice? Scarecrow: (Stands up) W-W-What do you want?! Wicked Witch: Why, you, of course. You're going to help me create a very special spell, one that no sorcerer has yet to achieve... a time-travel spell. I just need the ingredients... symbols of innocence and love and courage and wisdom. A symbol of innocence could be a baby, for instance, and a symbol of wisdom... could be a brain. (Chuckles evilly Scarecrow: (Gasps in fear) Wicked Witch: Your brain, to be exact. (Moves to take his brain) Scarecrow: (Cowers in fear) Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Dorothy: (Enters and hurriedly walks to the two of them) Stop! Wicked Witch: Dorothy? (Gasps) Didn't I send you back to Kansas? Dorothy: Well, witch Scarecrow: (Runs away) Dorothy: I'm back. Wicked Witch: Those slippers. They were supposed to be a one-way ticket home! Dorothy: You left me no choice. I had to return. When I got word that you were alive, and had taken over Oz, I had to stop you. Wicked Witch: You got word? Munchkins. I hate those mouthy, little vermin! Dorothy: Let the Scarecrow go. Wicked Witch: Yes. Sorry. Think I'll hold on to him. Dorothy: You will never defeat me, Zelena, because I have the most powerful weapon of all... The love of the people. Wicked Witch: (Laughs) Aww. Well, then... (Produces a green fireball and fires it, which hits a guard and kills him) (In the process of this, Toto breaks free of Dorothy's bag and causes a curtain to fall on the wicked witch, allowing for Dorothy and the Scarecrow to leave unscathed) Wicked Witch: (Sees them running out) No! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades is walking by the fallen clock-tower and he is holding page from the book with an illustration of him and Zelena on the front. The hands on the clock move) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades enters his chambers where Mr Gold is working on a potion to help open a portal) Hades: You'd think a desperate man would work a little faster. Mr Gold: Magic cannot be rushed. Creating a portal is no simple task. Hades: Yes. Yes, I know. But we don't have a dark curse or a magic bean or silver slippers. We have something better... your Dark One-tainted blood. It got you down here. It can reopen the portal. Mr Gold: Why do you even need a portal? You can come and go as you please. Hades: But I can't bring anyone back... alive. By combining our powers... that can change. And I don't care how painful it is for you. So, if you want me to tear up this contract so your child-to-be is your child-to-be... you won't care about the pain, either. Mr Gold: You must tell me where you want this portal directed. Hades: Oh. Why, Storybrooke, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke - Present Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is inside the sorcerer's mansion, attending to Baby Hood and Baby Neal) Belle: Why, hello, little ones. Hey. Did you sleep well? Yeah? (Gasps) Hi. Zelena/Mother Superior: (Disguised and enters to see Belle) Belle. What are you doing here? Belle: (Holds up two bottles) Uh, formula for the babies? Zelena/Mother Superior: (Laughs) Of course. Here. I'll help. (Goes to use the clear one on Baby Hood) Belle: Uh, the red one's hers. Zelena/Mother Superior: Oh. (Chuckles) Right. I don't know where my head is today. (Chuckles) Belle: (Suspicious) Uh, Mother Superior, what... what's going on? Zelena/Mother Superior: Nothing. Everything's fine. Belle: Mm... Mother Superior: No, it's not. Belle: What... Mother Superior: (Stops in front of Zelena) Who are you? Belle: Zelena. Zelena/Mother Superior: (Chuckles) You really are a clever girl. (Zelena morphs back into her normal appearance) Belle: (Gasps) No, no, no. Regina sent you back to Oz. Ho-How did you... Zelena: All you need to know is that my sister can't keep me down. I've come for my baby. So, if you wish to remain alive, step aside. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is still working on opening the portal) Mr Gold: Zelena's baby? What do you want with her child? Hades: Well, you of all people should know the value of keeping your reasons your own. I don't have to tell you anything. Mr Gold: (Chuckles) And yet you keep doing so. Some might call that the mark of an insecure man. Hades: We're done here. Get me Zelena's baby. I'll rip up the contract, and you can tell Belle she's pregnant without also having to tell her she owes her baby to me. I hear new expectant mothers hate that. Almost as much as they hate hearing their husbands are still the Dark One. Now do it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena picks up her daughter who is crying) Belle: Put her... put her down. Zelena: Or what? Hmm? You'll smite me with your book learnin'? Mother Superior: (Pointing her wand at Zelena) Oh, I have something more than that. Zelena: Please. Neither of you would dare risk hurting my child. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold uses his blood to open the portal) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is panicking because she thinks Zelena is going to hurt baby Hood) Belle: (Breathing heavily) No, you... you don't want to hurt your baby. Zelena: No. But I don't mind hurting you. Belle: Okay. We'll see. (Belle reaches to try and grab Baby Hood back, but the ground suddenly starts to shake violently, and the three of them try to hold onto the grip to keep steady. Belle thinks Zelena is doing this.) Belle: (Shouting) Stop it! Stop it! You're endangering everyone! Zelena: It's not me that's doing it! (A portal opens, and in Zelena's surprise, Belle manages to grab Baby Hood but ends up falling through the portal) Zelena: No! (Jumps through the portal) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades and Mr Gold watch the portal close) Hades: Okay. Where's the baby? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] (Zelena and Belle land in the Underworld, and Baby Hood is crying. They are out the front of the sorcerer's mansion Underworld version) Belle: W-What happened? (Groans) How did we get out here? Zelena: (Gasps when she sees her daughter crying.) My baby. My baby! Is she hurt?! Aah! (Attempts to move towards Belle, but can't stand because she's injured. She attempts to heal herself with her magic, but it doesn't work.) Oh, my magic! Belle: Zelena, what did you do to us? Zelena: I didn't do anything! This wasn't me! Belle: Okay, then, if it wasn't you, then who was it, and... and where are we? And why is the sky red? Zelena: No, no, no! Belle: What? Zelena: (Sighs) We're in the Underworld. Belle" (Sighing) Okay. Then, uh, t-then Rumple must need my help. That's why we're here. )(Stands up) Zelena: Wait. Hades. We're here because of me. And now I know why... my baby. Belle: What? Hades wants your baby? Zelena: Hand her over. Please. Belle: No. No, nothing good ever came of anyone trusting you. (Starts walking away with Baby Hood) Zelena: (Tries to follow her) Give her to me! Belle, please! Give her to me! I can keep her safe! Please! Aah! Belle?! (Groans because she can't stand and she's injured.) Belle?! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land of Oz - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Wicked Witch is interrogating the Munchkin's) Wicked Witch: So, I heard someone of the Munchkin persuasion tipped off Dorothy that I was still alive. Since you're all so fond of tattling, I'll give you the chance to make it up to me. Where can I find the Scarecrow?! Bog: We don't know! We swear! Wicked Witch: Fine. Have it your way, Boq! (Uses her magic to make him disappear and turns to the other Munchkin's) Did that loosen your bearded lips? Or would you like to turn into a pile of ash, too?! Hades: (Appears) Now, now. No need to make more of a mess. Wicked Witch: Who the hell are you?! Hades: Who the hell am I? That question is more appropriate than you know. Please... allow me to introduce myself. I am Hades. Wicked Witch: Really? King of the Underworld? (Hades lights his hair on fire and the Munchkins begin screaming and quickly hide) Hades: Yes. (Chuckling) My reputation precedes me. (Kisses her hand) Wicked Witch: And to what do I owe this visit? Hades: Your handiwork has impressed me. You've sent so many my way. That last headless guard... You have panache. Wicked Witch: True. Hades: Huh. Wicked Witch: But I sense there's something else. Hades: I heard a rumor that you're dabbling in time travel, trying to achieve the unachievable. Wicked Witch: It won't be achievable for long. Hades: Which is why I'm here. I believe in you. Wicked Witch: (Laughs) Is the devil flirting with me? Hades: (Laughing) Yes. Uh, I'm not the devil. People are always conflating us. No, I want to help you. This Scarecrow... he is one of the ingredients you need? Wicked Witch: Yes. And I had him until a meddling farm girl got in the way. Hades: Ah. Dorothy. Wicked Witch: You know her? Hades: Well, I did my research before I came, and from what I hear, she's a powerful woman. Wicked Witch: So am I. Hades: (Chuckling) Yes, yes, I know. I know. But she has one thing you don't... The love of the people. And pardon me for saying so, but no one loves you. But there is a way to defeat her. (Chuckles) With an ally. Wicked Witch: And what does Hades need with a time-travel spell? Hades: Ah. All in good time, Zelena. All in good time. Wicked Witch: I don't need anyone's help. (Poofs away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are in the diner, when the Blind Witch places toast in front of David and oatmeal in front of Mary Margaret) Mary Margaret: We haven't ordered yet. Blind Witch: One dry wheat toast, one oatmeal. I know the orders of all the regulars. I'll get your cocoa. David: What? Mary Margaret: David, we're regulars. We were only supposed to be here for a day, and now we're regulars at the diner in hell. Um, on the way to hell. You know what I mean. David: (Sighs) You're thinking about Neal. I do, too... all the time. Mary Margaret: If only we could talk to him. If he could just... hear our voices... Blind Witch: (Places their hot cocoa in front of them) Oh. You can do that. It's a simple Level 1 haunting. Lots of people do it here until they lose interest in life and people and... joy. I know where a booth is. David: A booth? For haunting? Mary Margaret: Where? Blind Witch: Oh, here and there. Mary Margaret:What do you want? Blind Witch: (Pulls out a glass vial) Breathe into this. The breath of the living buys a lot on the black market here. David: (Breathes into the glass vial) Blind Witch: (Sighs) Okay. Um, the booth is by the bus stop. Just pick up the phone and tell the operator who you wish to haunt. Happy haunting! David: Let's go, Snow. Let's talk to our boy. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook, Robin, Henry and Regina are in the Blanchard apartment, figuring out a way to re-write Hades's story. A page has appeared about David and Snow that Henry can't remember writing.) Hook: (Sighs) Riveting tale. Snow likes oatmeal. Is my morning breakfast in there, too? Henry, I thought you were gonna use your author powers to get us to defeat Hades. Henry: I don't even remember writing this. I just woke up and had it done. Emma: Okay. It's... really well-written. Regina: Yes, and the illustrations are lovely. Emma: Maybe if you focus harder... Henry: (Annoyed) Oh. So you're all authors now? Everyone's a writer. Everyone's got an idea. I'm doing my best. Maybe if you just laid off for a little bit... (Grabs his papers and heads towards the stairs) Regina: Henry, where are you going? Henry: Upstairs. (Heads up to his room) Emma: Well, we officially have a teenager on our hands. (A loud knocks comes at the door, and Emma moves to answer it.) Regina: And a visitor in our Underworld apartment. Emma: (Hesitates before opening it to reveal Zelena) Robin Hood: Zelena?! Regina: So... someone finally did you in. Zelena: Sorry to disappoint, but I'm very much alive. Robin Hood: Then how did you get here? Zelena: Through a portal. And I didn't come alone. Regina: Who else is here? Zelena: Our baby. And she's in danger. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land of Oz - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Wicked Witch enters her chambers to see Hades holding her green cupcake) Wicked Witch: You again? Hades: Is it your birthday? (Stands up, still holding her cupcake) Wicked Witch: I didn't know the king of the Underworld was so nosy. I don't know the day I was born, but thank you for reminding me. Hades: That's actually a sad story. Wicked Witch: I only know the day that my mother abandoned me. Hades: Ohh. Getting sadder. So, this is, what, celebrating Abandonment Day? Wicked Witch: I'm not celebrating anything! (Walks forward and angrily blows out the candle) Please go! Hades: You know, when I offered to help you, yes, it was coming from a place of self-interest, but I really do think I can help. You're thinking about your sister. Aren't you? Wicked Witch: How did you know that? Hades: I know exactly how you feel. She got everything you ever wanted. (Blows) (echoes) And you got nothing. Am I warm? Yeah, you know how some people say they look up to their older siblings like gods? Well, my older brother is a god... Zeus. Ever hear of him? He got everything he ever wanted. He rules Mount Olympus, while I'm trapped ruling the Underworld. He stopped my heart. Love, happiness, joy... They've all been taken from me. What I'm left with is only anger and a thirst... for vengeance. Wicked Witch: I've survived on that for quite some time. Hades: Only the kiss of... true love can restart my heart and allow me to return a fully formed man, free of this curse. But... (Chuckling) well... true love, hmm? No one is more hated than the Lord of the Underworld. Wicked Witch: I could give you a run for your money. Hades: Yeah. Which is why... we... must find your ingredients. I know where this Scarecrow is. Let me help you. Let me help us. If I can travel back... I can see to it that it is me who winds up on Olympus and my brother... who suffers. Wicked Witch: Well. You might just be as vindictive as I am. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Robin are getting ready to go and find Baby Hood and Belle) Zelena: Where are you going? Robin Hood: To find our daughter. Zelena: What about a tracking spell? Regina: We don't have anything of the child's. Robin Hood: I don't need magic. I can find her. I lived for years in the forest. I can track anyone. I will find our daughter. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle enters the library carrying the baby) Belle: (Sighs) God. What is this place? (The elevator suddenly starts coming up and Belle hides behind a bookshelf. Mr Gold steps out.) Belle: (Gasps) Rumple. Mr Gold: Belle. What are you doing here? Y-Y-You're not. Y-You didn't... Belle: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm... I'm alive. A portal brought me and... and the baby and... Zelena. Mr Gold: That's why the spell didn't work as I thought. Brought over three bodies instead of one. Belle: Well... you... You did this. Who were you trying to bring if not me and you didn't know Zelena was back and... No! Why would you steal a baby? Mr Gold: No, no, no. It was It was Hades. He used leverage to force me. Look... (Sighs) a long time ago, long before we even met... I made a deal... One I never thought would rear its head. Belle: What did you do? Mr Gold: My boy was sick. In exchange for Baelfire's life... I made a deal to give up my second-born child. Belle: But you don't have a second-born child. Mr Gold: It happened, Belle. Belle: N... I'm... I-I'm pregnant? (Sighs, sniffles) W-We're gonna have a baby? A-a baby... A-a baby that you've already sold! Mr Gold: Yes, but... but w-we can fix that. I'll use all my power. W-We can fix this. Belle: P-Power? What... You're the Dark One again. No. Mr Gold: Yes. See, the thing is... I love this dagger. And I also love you. Both are possible. Look, y-you wanted me to be... a better man. A-A-And you've done that. But if you want me to be a different man... I'm sorry. This is who I am. Belle: You weren't always. Mr Gold: Yes, I was. Even when I was a coward, I craved power. The only difference is, now I have it. And I won't let it go. Not again. Belle: Right. Not even for me? Mr Gold: Belle, there's something you must realize. (Sighs) Falling in love with the man behind the beast... isn't really what happened to you. You fell in love with me... because there was a man and a beast. Neither exists without the other. Belle: No. No. I-I can't condone you being like this. Not again. Mr Gold: Yes, you can. You just have to choose to. And if you do... we can have what's important... Family, happiness. It's your choice. Belle: No, I'm, uh... (Sniffles) I'm not making any choices... not now. (Inhales shakily) Not until you get me back to our friends... and you've fixed... all of this. Mr Gold: Then that's what I shall do. But you'll see I'm right. You'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are in line for the phone booth.) Mary Margaret: I mean, how does this even work? I don't know how much time it give us. Do we just talk, or... Oh! Maybe we should sing a little song. He likes our singing. David: I don't think it really matters. I think it's just about Neal hearing our voices. Mary Margaret:Yeah, but how does that work, anyway? Does it go directly into his ears? Does it repeat on a loop? David: Uh, excuse me. Do you know how this works I mean, on the other side? Man: No idea. I don't even know if the messages get through. I hope so. Or I've wasted a lot of time these past 30 years. David: All right, come on. (Guides Mary Margaret into the booth) Mary Margaret: (Sniffles) Okay. (Picks up the phone) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Robin, Regina and Zelena are looking for the Belle and the baby in the woods) Zelena: Before we find my daughter, would you do me the courtesy of sharing with me whatever horrid name you've saddled her with? Probably something dreadful like Brittany or Nancy or... Oh, God, not Marian! Robin Hood: Zelena... I haven't named our child because I need to know her first to find out who she really is, which I haven't been able to do because I've been too busy protecting her from you! Zelena: You weren't protecting her at all! You just left her so you could go on some heroic quest. I mean, how is finding some pirate more important than our child? Robin Hood: Helping friends, setting an example of heroism... That is important! Regina: You know, Zelena, I used to be just like you. Zelena: Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself. Regina: When I was the Evil Queen, I spent every day not giving a damn about anyone. And in return, no one... cared about me. I thought all I needed was my vengeance to keep me warm at night. But then something happened. My enemies... became my family. And that's when I finally felt happy. That is why I'm here. They need my help, and when family needs help, you step up. Zelena: In case you've forgotten, there is someone I love who needs my help my daughter! (Sighs) So, if we could get on with finding her, that would be just brilliant! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land of Oz - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Wicked Witch and Hades are by a ruined house) Wicked Witch: What are we doing here? This is where Dorothy first landed in Oz. Hades: Sometimes (Grunts as he frees a bike from the wreckage.) to find someone you need the right... tools. Wicked Witch: What the hell is that? Hades: Oh, right. They don't have these in Oz. It's called... a bicycle. (Gets on and rides circles around the Wicked Witch) Wicked Witch: And how is that contraption going to help us find the Scarecrow? Hades: Oh, well... here, hop on. I'll show you. Oh, please. Trust me. Wicked Witch: (Gets onto the bike) What is it? Hades: Nothing. Are you ready? All right. Hold on. (Hades starts riding the bike and the Wicked Witch is clearly enjoying herself as she is laughing and squealing) Wicked Witch: It's like a broom with wheels! (Hades rounds a corner and they are still laughing. Hitting a rock, they both fall off to the ground and land face to face, the Wicked Witch still laughing) Hades: It's okay. I've got you. Would you like to go again? Wicked Witch: Yes, I'd like to go again! (They both laugh and sit up, and the Wicked Witch studies the bike for a few moments) Wicked Witch: Now... tell me how this piece of tin is gonna help me find my prey. That loathsome farm girl must have him carefully hidden. Hades: Simple... This bicycle belongs to Dorothy. Just enchant it, and it will take us right to her. And the Scarecrow. (The Wicked Witch enchants the bike again and they both laugh) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is carrying Baby Hood down a lane when she hears the voices of Robin, and Regina) Regina: Belle? Belle: It's okay. Robin Hood: Belle, is that you?! (Belle rounds the corner and Robin and Regina run up to her.) Robin Hood: You have her?! (Takes Baby Hood) Hey. Belle: Yeah, here. Yeah, she's fine. Robin Hood: Are you okay? Belle: She's fine. Robin Hood: Are you okay? Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you. Oh. Thank you. Zelena: (Walks up) Yes. Thank you. Belle: Wait. What are you doing here? Zelena: Helping them. Belle: She stole your baby. Zelena: My baby, which was stolen from me. And now I'm helping. Regina: It's all right, Belle. She won't hurt anyone. (Baby Hood begins to cry.) Belle: But... Robin Hood: (Attempts to soothe his baby) Oh. Shh! (Crying continues) Zelena: I've got a bottle. Give her to me. Robin Hood: No. Give it to me. I'll do it. Zelena: I don't have any magic here, Robin. The worst thing that can happen is some mother-daughter bonding. It's all right. There's nothing nefarious in feeding. Robin Hood: Okay, fine. (Reluctantly hands the baby over) As soon as she's done... you're handing her back. Zelena: (Chuckles as she feeds her baby).[/i There, there, my little sweet pea. There, there. Are you hungry? Yes, you are. Your mummy knows exactly what you need, doesn't she? Yes, she does. Robin Hood: Okay. [i](Sniffles) That's it. She's done. Hand her back. Zelena: (Discovers she still has magic) Regina: Now, Zelena. Zelena: No, sis. Not now. Not ever! (Magically knocks them out) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook are sitting on the couch in the Blanchard apartment, and Mary Margaret and David are standing in front of them) Emma: You... can do that? You can talk to the real world? Mary Margaret: Yes. Or... well, no. I don't know. David: Well, at least we tried. Mary Margaret: I just need him to hear our voices. Emma: (Stands up) He will. As soon as we make it back home. Mary Margaret: Emma, when will that be? We went through this with you. For all those years, if you had just heard our voices... would that have made a difference, knowing someone out there loved you? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena is making her way through the forest alone, and Baby Hood is crying again) Zelena: (Grunting) Oh, this won't do! (Attempts to soothe her baby) Oh, shh. It's okay. It's okay. I'm gonna find us a safe place, yeah? What is it, sweet pea? (Notices a cut on her baby's face and gasps) Oh, no. Oh. Oh, no, it's okay. Let Mummy fix it. My magic did this. (Starts crying herself) I did this. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land of Oz - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Wicked Witch and Hades arrive where Dorothy is hiding the scarecrow) Hades: There she is. Go on. This Dorothy's no match for you. I've seen many powerful women in my day, but none as brilliantly wicked as you. Or clever or witty. (Chuckles) Or beautiful. (They go to kiss, but are interrupted when the door opens and the scarecrow comes out, joining Dorothy by the campfire.) Scarecrow: You know, scarecrows don't... Hades: Go on. You've got this. Wicked Witch: All right. If that Kansas brat gets in my way, we'll see what gingham looks like with blood spatter. (Laughs and walks up to Dorothy and the Scarecrow.) Give him back! Scarecrow: (Gasps) Oh, no! Dorothy: Back off, Witch! You're not taking him from me! (Draws her sword) Wicked Witch: Yes! Yes, I will. (Magically freezes Dorothy) Scarecrow: What did you do?! Wicked Witch: (Starts ripping out his brain) Scarecrow: No, no, no! Ah! Aah! Wicked Witch: (Manages to get the brain, killing the scarecrow and holds it in her hands) Dorothy: I won't let you win! Wicked Witch: It's too late. Dorothy: I'm not afraid of you. Do your worst, but I will never be afraid of you. Wicked Witch: Not sure where all this back-talk is coming from. What happened to you in Kansas? Actually, I don't really care, because we're finished. You see, I don't need to kill you, and, believe it or not, I don't want to. Because I want every Munchkin, every Quadling, every good witch and bad of Oz to know that the great Dorothy Gale can't protect them. Aww. They need to know that you failed, and then... then, my pretty... you'll have nothing. (Laughs evilly) Hades? Hades, you were right! She... Hades? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena is inside her house and she sees Belle, Robin and Regina approaching from outside) Regina: Zelena?! Robin Hood: Are you in there?! Zelena, enough! It is not safe for you or our child out here! Regina: Zelena! Belle: Zelena! (The door opens and Zelena comes out carrying the baby.) Zelena: I'm right here. (Crying) It's all my fault. (Sobbing) I can't protect her. Not down here. Not from him. Robin Hood: You need to tell us exactly what happened with you and Hades. Zelena: (Sighs) He wants to use her... for a spell. For my time-travel spell. He's got the same thirst for vengeance as I do. You know, he had love in his heart. But because of me, it's gone. Regina: And she's the ingredient. Symbol of innocence. Zelena: Take her. Robin Hood: What? Zelena: Take her. You can protect her, and I can't. My magic's unpredictable. I don't care if you never let me see her again! You have to save her. Regina, please! It's more important than what happens to me. Regina: We'll do everything we can to protect her. Zelena: (Sighs, sniffles) Goodbye, little one. Mummy has to let you go. (Kisses her baby and begins to sob. She hands her over to Robin, before beginning to retreat into her house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle, Robin and Regina are back in the Blanchard apartment. Regina and Robin are fawning over the baby, whilst Belle sits at the table with Mary Margaret and David, and Emma and Hook sit on the couch together) Regina: (Gasps) She has your eyes. Belle: So, does she have a name yet? Robin Hood: No. Not yet. I can't. Hades can do things with names. (Emma and Hook get up from the couch and walk over to the others) Regina: Like put them on tombstones to keep people from leaving here. Robin Hood: I don't even think it's wise to keep her in this apartment. I mean, what if Zelena changes her mind? Hook: I hate to be the one to offer optimism, but it sounds like she was sincere. Regina: She was, but that doesn't mean what she knows can't come back to bite us. Robin's taking her to the forest. Robin Hood: Honestly, it's the only place I've ever felt really at home. Henry: (Enters the room hurriedly and he is carrying more papers) It happened! It happened again! (Sighs) Take a look. (Shows the pages, which are of baby Neal) David: Snow, look at this. Mary Margaret: It's Neal. David: Why did you write this? Henry: It's like before. I didn't, or I just don't remember. It just... wrote itself. Like it does. Emma: (Takes a page and reads from it) "The infant son of Snow White and Prince Charming looked up at the tiny glass unicorns as they stirred by the wind. But on this night, he didn't hear the chime of the crystal. Instead, he heard the voices of his mother, Snow White, and his father, Prince Charming. They sang a lullaby until he fell asleep as soundly as if he were in their arms." Mary Margaret: He heard us. (Sighs) He heard us. David: Thanks, Henry. Mary Margaret: I don't know about anyone else, but I am really ready to get back home to my family my whole family. No more waiting. We can save ourselves. We're going to take down Hades, and we're going to do it now. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land of Oz - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades has prepared dinner for the wicked witch) Wicked Witch: There you are. What's this? Hades: Dinner. (Blows and lights one candle) To celebrate. (Blows and lights the other) Wicked Witch: You saw? Hades: Of course I saw. You were wonderful. I knew you'd succeed. Come. Sit. (He helps the Wicked Witch to sit down) Wicked Witch: So... is this also a farewell dinner... before you return? Hades: No. I'm not going back to the Underworld, Zelena. Wicked Witch: But you said you needed... Oh. Hades: Yes. Wicked Witch: So, you think that you and me are... Hades: True love. You can't tell me you don't feel something, too. Wicked Witch: Yes, but we just met. Hades: I know, I know. But when we were on that bicycle... and I had my arms around you... I felt something I haven't felt in eons. My... (Sighs) my heart... fluttered. Just for a moment. And I truly believe... once we kiss... my heart will start again. I'll be free. And we can be together. (Leans into kiss her) Wicked Witch: (Pulls away and stands up) No! Hades: No? What? Wicked Witch: How could I be so stupid?! Hades: What... what are you talking about? Wicked Witch: (Chuckles) I almost believed you. Hades: It's the truth. I promise! Wicked Witch: You want me to kiss you to free you from the Underworld! And then you'll have the power to steal this brain and enact my time-travel spell... for you! And only you! (Sighs) Because that's what I would do. Hades:No. Wicked Witch: You want revenge and until you get it, you will never be satisfied. You need this spell. You need to go back to beat your brother, just like I need to go back to beat my sister! Love is not enough! Hades: No, Zelena. I don't want that anymore. I want you. I love you. Wicked Witch: No one could love me. But if you did... you wouldn't want to take away my best chance at revenge. Go back to your brimstone. I never want to see your face again. Hades: You will regret this... Zelena. (Disappears in blue fire) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Underworld - Present ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades approaches the fallen clock tower were Zelena is waiting for him. They slowly walk towards one another) Zelena: Hello, Hades. Hades: Zelena. You know, I was looking for you. Zelena: You were looking for my baby. I was just a happy accident. Hades: (Chuckling) Yes. Yes, you were. But when I heard you fell through my little portal... I really was looking for you. Zelena: I know. I thought I'd make it easy. I know that you want my child for your time-travel spell. (Chuckles) If you touch her, I will demolish you! Hades: There's no need for that. I wouldn't hurt you. I never would've hurt you. That's the thing about true love. I-It endures. It can't be broken. Zelena: What? So, sending Rumplestiltskin after my daughter had nothing to do with revenge on your brother? Hades: Zelena. (sighs) I was trying to rescue her from those miserable heroes for you. I didn't know you were there. Zelena: (Sighs) Despite everything I've done, you've loved me all this time? Hades: (Laughs) Look around you. I mean, aren't you curious why this... this place... looks like Storybrooke? (Laughing) I did it for you! I saw how much you wanted to cast the Dark Curse to get everything your sister had. Zelena: (Sighs) You made me my very own Storybrooke? Hades: (Laughing) I gave you what you wanted, what she had. It's not... perfect. The Underworld is a place of... well, destruction. Despite my best intentions, things don't grow here. They... (Chuckles) decay. But it's our decay. Zelena... wouldn't it be nice... to not be alone... anymore? (Takes her hand) After all these years, I still choose you. (Sighs) What better revenge is there than having it all? Zelena: (Chuckles) But I had it all. And then I gave them back my baby because I thought that you wanted to hurt her! Hades: Well, then, we'll just have to go back and get her, won't we? Zelena: (Breathing heavily) No! No! (Breathing heavily) I-I want to trust you. I do. Hades: But you still can't. I understand. Zelena: I'm sorry. It's too much. I will get my daughter back. And I'll do it all on my own. (Starts limping away) Hades: April 15th. Zelena: What? Hades: Your birthday. Just thought you might want to know. Zelena: How do you know that? Hades: Tortured it out of a miller's daughter. (Chuckles) Don't worry. I took care of her, too. For you. I know you don't need me. You don't need anyone. But if you change your mind... and decide you want me... I'll be waiting for you... at home. Just like I always have. (Disappears in blue fire) [SCENE_BREAK] [ End of Episode ]
Plan: A: Oz; Q: Where is Dorothy Gale from? A: Dorothy Gale; Q: Who derails Zelena's plot to create a time travel portal? A: the Scarecrow's brain; Q: What does Zelena want to steal? A: romantic feelings; Q: What do Hades and Zelena find in each other? A: Zeus; Q: Who does Zelena believe Hades is using her to get even with? A: the Underworld, Hades forces; Q: Where does Hades force Gold to create a portal? A: Gold; Q: Who does Hades force to create a portal that brings Zelena, Belle, and Zelena's baby to the Underworld? A: Belle; Q: Who learns the truth about Hades's plan? A: her magic; Q: What does Zelena discover is too weak to protect her child? A: his powers; Q: What does Gold reclaim? A: her daughter; Q: What does Zelena give up to keep Hades from using her? A: a way; Q: How do Snow and David find to contact their son? A: Henry; Q: Who starts writing stories in his sleep? A: stories; Q: What does Henry start to write in his sleep? Summary: In the past in Oz, Zelena's plot to create a time travel portal is derailed by the return of Dorothy Gale. When Hades arrives to help Zelena with her plan to steal the Scarecrow's brain, the two find romantic feelings for each other but, after they succeed, Zelena turns on Hades, believing that he is using her in order to get even with Zeus. In the Underworld, Hades forces Gold to create a portal that brings Zelena, Belle, and Zelena's baby to the Underworld. Unfortunately, when they arrive, Zelena discovers that Hades is behind the plot and that her magic is too weak to protect her child, while Belle learns the truth from Gold about his reclaiming his powers and her pregnancy, as well as the contract now with Hades. Zelena gives up her daughter to those who can better protect her, determined to keep Hades from using her to enact the time-travel portal, only to discover his love for her is unchanged. Meanwhile, Snow and David find a way to contact their son, and Henry starts to write stories in his sleep.
[ The cafeteria ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: Hey, would you like to hear some songs I've rewritten to get children interested in the hard sciences? Howard: Sure. Leonard: Really? Howard: Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it. Sheldon: ♪ There was a scientist who had a theory ♪ ♪ And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o ♪ ♪ J-A-M-E-S ♪ ♪ C-L-E-R-K ♪ ♪ Space M-A-X-W-E-L-L ♪ ♪ And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o ♪ ♪ There was a scientist who had a theory ♪ ♪ And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o ♪ ♪ A-M-E-S ♪ Leonard: Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it. Sheldon: Perhaps you'd prefer this one. (clears throat) ♪ The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all ♪ ♪ Because it has eight legs ♪ ♪ And two body parts ♪ Leonard: That's pretty cool, Sheldon. Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I'd love her to get behind it. Raj: Hey. Leonard: Hey. Howard: Hey. Sheldon: Hello. Raj: You guys know the new Discovery class missions that NASA's been working on? Leonard: Yeah. Raj: Well, they're looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life. Leonard: Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot. Sheldon: All right, you can't breathe our air without an inhaler, he's allergic to Earth nuts, but I'm the alien. Raj: Anyway, I'm among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system. Sheldon: Excellent. Howard: Good for you. Leonard: Congratulations. Raj: And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it. Leonard: Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind? Sheldon: I'll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm. Howard: Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities. Sheldon: Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic. Howard: Ooh, how about a 3-D tactile communicator rigged for cross-sensory transposition? Raj: Exactly what I expected. Two people forcing their ideas on me and only one gentleman who could be bothered to ask me what my thoughts were. You two are out. Congratulations, Leonard, you're on the team. Leonard: My mommy raised a gentleman. [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ Original Air Date on April 16, 2015 [SCENE_BREAK] [ Raj's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: Hey. Thanks for coming by. Leonard: Yeah. I'm excited to help. Raj: I would have included the others, but you know exactly what would've happened. They would've taken over the project and bossed us around. Leonard: I get it. Uh, just this morning, Sheldon wouldn't let me put almond milk on my Grape-Nuts because he said it was a theoretical nut conflict. Raj: You should have told him to mind his own business. Leonard: Yeah. That's better than what I did say, which was, fine, I'll eat them with club soda. Raj: What makes them think they're always in charge of everything? Leonard: Mmm, they're alpha males. Raj: (chuckles) Huh, what does that make us? Leonard: We could be betas. They're second in charge. Raj: Okay, that sounds good. Leonard: Or we could be omegas. They get pushed around by the alphas and the betas. Raj: Okay, that sounds like us. Leonard: Whatever. There's no alphas here, and this is your project. You're in charge. How do you want to start? Raj: I don't know. How do you want to start? Leonard: I don't know. Should we call Sheldon and Howard? Raj: No. We can do this by ourselves. Leonard: Okay. Great. How do you want to start? Raj: I don't know. How do you want to start? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The hallway ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: (Knocks) Sheldon. (Knocks) Sheldon. (Knocks) Sheldon. Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it. Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again. Sheldon: I don't recommend it. You'll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you're looking for Leonard, he's with Koothrappali. Penny: Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you. Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags. Penny: No, no. It's about my acting career. Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That's not on the list. Penny: Well. Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy. Penny: Okay, look, here's the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it's going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up. Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you. Penny: Well, why? (sighs) Sheldon: I'm attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people. Penny: You're really not gonna tell me? Sheldon: No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, "trains, tell me more," or you can just look at me like that and I'll start. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Bernadette: What's going on in here? Howard: I am making molecular cocktails. This sphere is actually a cosmopolitan. Bernadette: (chuckles) Oh. How do you drink it? Howard: Oh, just put it in your mouth and pop it like a zit. Bernadette: I think I'll have a beer. Howard: First take a picture with me. Bernadette: Why? Howard: Well, Raj and I always talked about learning how to make cocktails like this together, so I taught myself and I'm putting this on Instagram so he can see it and feel like a turd. Say cheese. Bernadette: Is this about the space probe he's working on without you? Howard: You betcha. The very one. Bernadette: Howard, you're grown men. You guys don't have to do everything together. Howard: I know. That's why I'm spending tonight with you. Bernadette: Trying to hurt Raj's feelings. Howard: With my honeybunch. Bernadette: You're being childish. Howard: No. He is. So I have a dominant personality. We all know that. Bernadette: I'm sorry. What do we know? Howard: In social groupings, I just naturally wind up in charge. Bernadette: Don't take this the wrong way, but how many of these little booze balls have you had? Howard: You don't think I'm a leader? Bernadette: I was kidding. Of course you are. Howard: Right. I couldn't change if I wanted to. Bernadette: You better not change, because I love who you are. Now, will you need help cleaning all this up when you're done or can you do it all by yourself? Howard: All by myself. Bernadette: There's my big boss man. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder. Penny: Okay. Sheldon, let me ask you a question. Sheldon: Mmm. Penny: If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on? Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice? Penny: No. Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information. Penny: Oh. You're right. I'm worried about something that hasn't even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man. Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice? Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks. Sheldon: No, it's the wise man. That's why he's called the wise man. You know how I know that? I'm the wise man. Penny: I'm sorry. What was I thinking? Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn't you ask Leonard for advice about this? Penny: 'Cause I already know what he'll say. (whining voice) "Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn't do it." Sheldon: Ah, it's just like he's here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Raj's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: Okay, so we know that previous attempts to send a message into space, like the Golden Record on Voyager, were heavily criticized. Leonard: Well, aliens could only play the Golden Record if they figured out how to build a record player. Raj: Eh. Although, to be fair, I watched E.T. build a telephone out of a Speak & Spell and an umbrella. Dude was like a little brown MacGyver. Leonard: That would be more helpful if E.T. were real. Raj: Well, my feelings were real when he was about to die. Leonard: My God, when he's on the table and they use the paddles on him. Raj: And he's all white. Leonard: They zip him up in that bag. Raj: And Gertie can't stop crying. Leonard: The flower dies. Raj: Okay, let's talk about something else. Leonard: All right, so it sounds like we need a way to communicate that's simple. Raj: And doesn't require outside machinery to be built to access it. Leonard: It's also a problem because we don't even know if the aliens who find this can see. I mean, they might communicate in a totally different way than us. Raj: Like when my dog is mad at me, she tells me by peeing in my slippers. Leonard: That's actually a valid example. Animals do deliver messages through scent. Raj: Bees talk to each other by dancing. Whales have their songs. Leonard: Yeah. Penny has about twenty different ways of rolling her eyes that each mean something different. Raj: Okay, so, what it sounds like is, what we want is a device that can deliver a message through not only sight, but other senses, as well. Leonard: The most basic sense that any space-faring civilization would have to possess is touch. Raj: Ooh. Ooh, ooh. We could make a video-playing device that simultaneously translates the information into a tactile medium. Leonard: All we have to do is rig up a 3-D communication system. Raj: We, we can totally do that. Leonard: I know. Raj: This is great. Leonard: Yeah, you know what else it is? Raj: What? Howard: Exactly what Sheldon and Howard said. Raj: Well, thank you for peeing in my slippers. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The cafeteria ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: ♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪ ♪ It's the ear of the bat ♪ ♪ It's the whiskers of the catfish ♪ ♪ And the walrus... ♪ Howard: Hang on. Not that your song isn't terrible, it is... but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar? Sheldon: You didn't let me finish. ♪ And also regarding the bat ♪ ♪ It has sonar. ♪ Leonard: Hey. Howard: Hello. Raj: Look, I know you guys are upset, but we've talked about it, and we think it'd be beneficial for you to be part of the project. Howard: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon? Sheldon: I'm sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark. Leonard: We want you back on the project with us. Sheldon: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard? Raj: Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I'd love your help. Howard: I suppose it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. Raj: It wasn't, so are you in? Sheldon: Certainly. Howard: Sure. Leonard: Great. Now that we're all on the same page, let's get together tonight and work on it. Sheldon: "Get together tonight"? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj. Raj: Okay, I think we should do it right now. Sheldon: Tonight works better for me. Raj: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A hallway ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny (V.O.): Okay, it's just an audition. Why am I nervous? Maybe it's a good thing. Just means I want it. And I can have it. This feels right. Why did I ever give this up?(Out loud) I'm starting to remember. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: So, I'd like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it. Sheldon: Uh, building on that, we should order dinner. Leonard: How is that building on what he just said? Howard: Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese. Raj: Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said. Sheldon: Building on building on that, there's a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado. Leonard: Building on that, I'd like to remind you, I'm lactose intolerant. Howard: I saw the menu. They have soy cheese. Sheldon: Bah, you didn't say building on. You're out. Leonard: It's not Simon Says. Raj: Yeah, you're missing the point, Sheldon. Sheldon: You're out, and you're out. I win. Who wants pizza? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The audition room ] [SCENE_BREAK] Girl: Penny? Penny: Oh, hey. Girl: Hey. I haven't seen you auditioning in a while. Penny: Yeah, uh, I got a job as a pharmaceutical sales rep. Girl: You quit acting? Penny: Well, kind of. But now I get to act like inflamed heart is only a "mild side effect." (laughs) Second Girl: I heard you can make good money doing that. Penny: Yeah, it's going okay, but I do miss this sometimes. First Girl: Really? Penny: Mmm. First Girl: 'Cause I got to tell you, I am so sick of the humiliation and being treated like a piece of meat. Audiitoner: Chelsea? First Girl: Wish me luck. (laughs) Second Girl: They're gonna love you. I heard she's pushing 40 and everything's fake. Penny: Yeah. I started that rumour. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: Okay, since we agree on the delivery system for the message, maybe we should talk about what the message could be. Raj: Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like. Howard: The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it. Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It's advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are. Leonard: Squeeze yourself. Sheldon: Oh, don't be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency. Raj: Well, maybe there's a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger. Howard: You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That's ridiculous. Raj: Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth? Sheldon: Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard. Raj: (sighs) Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over. Howard: It's not always. Leonard: What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba's head, and I got to be his fat slug butt. Sheldon: We looked great. Leonard: You let a guy sit on me. Howard: He was dressed as Princess Leia. It made a nice picture. Leonard: I'm just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside. Raj: Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn't even think to ask me and Leonard. Howard: You know what? You're right. I should have asked you. Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It's amazing. Howard: Okay, and if we're talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us. Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience. Leonard: Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us. Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba's head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I'm having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I'm in charge. Now, why don't you boys step aside, let me knock this project out? Leonard: Sheldon, you're not in charge. Raj is in charge. Sheldon: Leonard, who's really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge? Raj: He's right. If you think about it, we're all in charge. Sheldon: No, the guy in charge is in ch... why is everyone so bad at these? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: I mean, the whole experience reminded me about how much I hated about that world. You, you know, the anxiety, the depression, the negativity. I don't want to feel those things. I want to sell drugs to people who feel those things. Amy: I can't believe you got up and walked out of an audition for a big movie. Penny: I did. I mean, I walked in, read for the part, then stunk up the place, but then I walked right out. Bernadette: Well, I'm glad you have a new appreciation for your job. Penny: I do, and you know, I don't think I've ever thanked you properly for helping me get it. Bernadette: Properly, at all. It's just words I've never heard. Penny: Well, thank you. You're a good friend, and you changed my life. Bernadette: You're welcome. Hey, now that you're making some real money, maybe you can take your friend out for a nice thank-you dinner. Penny: Sure. Amy: And you probably have to invite your other friend 'cause she overheard you talking about it, and it would be awkward to exclude her. Penny: Okay. Bernadette: How about now? Penny: All right. Bernadette: Don't forget your wallet. Penny: I, uh, huh. (groans) [SCENE_BREAK] [ An alien spacecraft ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon (on screen): Greetings from planet Earth. Just turn left at Alpha Centauri. You can't miss it. First Alien: That soft pink alien looks delicious. Second Alien: I could eat.
Plan: A: Raj; Q: Who is working on a proposal for NASA? A: extraterrestrial intelligent beings; Q: What is Raj trying to communicate with? A: control; Q: What do Sheldon and Howard try to take from Raj? A: Leonard; Q: Who does Raj invite to work with him on his proposal? A: two; Q: How many of the guys realize Sheldon and Howard's ideas were good and ask them to work with them after all? A: fun group activities; Q: What do the guys talk about feeling excluded from while working together? A: Penny; Q: Who is unsure whether she should risk her new career for a chance at acting again? A: the audition; Q: What does Penny go to after Sheldon's advice? A: any major career change; Q: What does Penny want to avoid doing before going to the audition? A: An optimistic Penny; Q: Who goes to the audition? A: the petty environment; Q: What does Penny learn about other actresses at the audition? A: Bernadette; Q: Who did Penny thank for getting her a pharmaceutical job? A: a special dinner; Q: What does Penny take Amy to after Bernadette's prodding? Summary: Raj is working on a proposal for NASA to design a method of communicating with extraterrestrial intelligent beings. He asks the guys for advice and Sheldon and Howard try to take control, so Raj invites only Leonard to work with him. The two realize Sheldon and Howard's ideas were good and ask them to work with them after all. The guys talk about times where they have individually felt excluded from fun group activities while working together. Penny is unsure whether she should risk her new career for a chance at acting again and goes to Sheldon for advice. At first Sheldon will not tell her what to do because people think he is too controlling. Penny uses his love of trains in an analogy to get him to say she should go to the audition, but not decide on any major career change yet. An optimistic Penny goes to the audition only to be reminded of the petty environment around other actresses. Penny thanks Bernadette for getting her the good pharmaceutical job and takes her and Amy on a special dinner after Bernadette's prodding.
The War Games By Malcolm Hulke and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: LANDING BAY (The Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs crouch in a dark corner and watch as a SIDRAT appears. On the ramp above the Landing Bay a squad of guards also watch, their weapons in their hands. The door to the green box scrapes open and Jamie, Russell and the resistance soldiers cautiously wander out into the Landing Bay not seeing the guards. Zoe turns to the Doctor and whispers.) ZOE: It's an ambush! (But they can do nothing but watch as the guards discharge their stun-guns with deadly accuracy into the unsuspecting crowd of resistance fighters. One by one they all drop, and the last to fall under the lethal onslaught is Jamie. The guards rush down the ramp.) ZOE: Oh Jamie... Doctor we've got to help them! DOCTOR: No there's nothing we can do! CARSTAIRS: We must get away from here. ZOE: But we can't. Jamie... We... CARSTAIRS: D-do you want us all to get killed? Now go on! (The Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs scramble off as the guards drag the prisoners away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT ZOE: Oh Doctor, what about Jamie? Have they killed him? DOCTOR: I don't know! CARSTAIRS: Let's go this way. DOCTOR: No-no, this way to the processing room. CARSTAIRS: Why do you wanna go to the processing room? DOCTOR: Please don't ask questions, just follow me. ZOE: Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: SECURITY ROOM SECURITY-CHIEF: I believe that amongst this resistance group that attacked this base are people who have arrived on this planet without being brought here by us. SCIENTIST: That's impossible! SECURITY-CHIEF: Is it? What about that girl, Zoe. And this man the Doctor she spoke of. She said he had a space/time-travel machine. SCIENTIST: Yes I know, but... SECURITY-CHIEF: Have we taken humans from later than the Earth year nineteen-seventeen? SCIENTIST: Of course not, greater technological knowledge would be dangerous. SECURITY-CHIEF: Yet this man who tricked you had sufficient technological knowledge to understand the mental processing machinery. SCIENTIST: Yes that's true, but how could these people get here? SECURITY-CHIEF: The War-Chief. His people have the secret of time-travel. SCIENTIST: Are you suggesting he's bringing in his own people - the Time Lords? SECURITY-CHIEF: He came to us because he wanted power, perhaps there are others of his people who feel the same. SCIENTIST: Can you prove this? If so you must tell the War-Lord immediately. SECURITY-CHIEF: Unfortunately I have no proof. You must help me find proof. I insist. (The scientist sighs.) SECURITY-CHIEF: This is a matter of security. SCIENTIST: Alright, what do you want me to do? SECURITY-CHIEF: These resistance people. Before you reprocess them study them carefully, if you find anything unusual send the prisoner concerned to me for questioning. [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (The Doctor eyes a group of guards covering the entrance to the processing room.) DOCTOR: We've got to get in there. CARSTAIRS: Why? (The Doctor eyes the doorway, deep in thought.) DOCTOR: Not that room, the other side. That must've been next door... yes, come on. (He heads off towards another room.) CARSTAIRS: Now what's he up to? ZOE: I've no idea, but we'd better follow. Come on. (They move after the Doctor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: WARDROBE ROOM (They enter a room containing racks and racks of uniforms. Walking through a mass of nineteen-seventeen trenchcoats, the Doctor comes to a wall and touches it delicately.) DOCTOR: Some sort of preformed plastic wouldn't you say Zoe? ZOE: Yes, but why are you so interested in it Doctor? DOCTOR: Little bits of metal imbedded in it... Yes, I think these, these panels must be held together by some kind of magnetic forcefield. Now if I could, if I could reverse that field... (He pulls out a reel of masking tape and some fine silver wire, handing the tape to Zoe.) DOCTOR: Uh-uh... Cut me off some pieces of tape will you please, Zoe? ZOE: Oh yes. (Zoe and Carstairs deliver the Doctor pieces of tape, and he begins to stick the wire to the wall panel.) DOCTOR: One there, that's good. And one just there. [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (All around the room the resistance fighters are still unconscious. The Scientist probes the mind of the nearest one with the truth machine. He sees through the mans head to a whirling mass of brain tissue, satisfied the Scientist turns off the machine.) SCIENTIST: Alright, take him away. (Guards move the resistance member.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: WARDROBE ROOM (The Doctor has taped an intricate pattern of wires all along the face of the wall panel.) CARSTAIRS: Doctor what on Earth are you doing? DOCTOR: Well there's no secret boy, it's simply a case of reversing the magnetic field. Uh... (He looks around.) ZOE: Doctor, why don't you use your sonic screwdriver as a power source? DOCTOR: What a good idea, yes. (He pulls his screwdriver out of his pocket.) ZOE: There's just one thing though... DOCTOR: Yes? ZOE: All these panels are interlinked. DOCTOR: Yes, well? ZOE: Well if you take one away what's to stop all the others falling down like a pack of cards? DOCTOR: Well we'll just have to take that risk won't we? Now then, stand well clear... (They all stand back and the Doctor activates the screwdriver linked to the wire lash-up. The panel begins to glow for a moment, then the Doctor turns off the power and pockets his screwdriver. Cautiously they approach the panel.) CARSTAIRS: Nothing's happened. DOCTOR: Watch. (The Doctor pulls the panel and it comes away in his hand. They peer through a slim gap into the processing room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (Jamie is being examined by the Scientist.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: WARDROBE ROOM ZOE: It's Jamie! He's alive! DOCTOR: I hoped he would be. ZOE: Oh but how? They shot him down! DOCTOR: Well the guns they use can be adjusted, I think he was just stunned. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The Scientist examines Jamie's head with the truth-machine and notices that his brain patterns are orderly block-like instead of all scrambled like the other resistance member.) SCIENTIST: He was right! Take this prisoner to the Security-Chief for questioning. (The guards take Jamie away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: WARDROBE ROOM ZOE: Doctor, why are they taking him away? DOCTOR: I think they've possibly discovered that he was never processed. CARSTAIRS: We'd better get him out of there then. DOCTOR: No-no, wait... [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (There is a short bleep and the War-Chief appears in the doorway.) WAR-CHIEF: Have you started the reprocessing yet? SCIENTIST: No, I've just been carrying out the preliminary examinations. WAR-CHIEF: Why? Why not just reprocess them? SCIENTIST: I... Well, these people have shown considerable courage and enterprise, they may make future leaders. WAR-CHIEF: Where is this prisoner being taken? SCIENTIST: Oh, the Security-Chief, he wants to question one of them before reprocessing. WAR-CHIEF: Really? Why this one in particular? SCIENTIST: Oh, he just seemed the most suitable. WAR-CHIEF: For what reason? SCIENTIST: Er... WAR-CHIEF: For what reason?! SCIENTIST: His er, brain patterns are different. WAR-CHIEF: Different how? SCIENTIST: Well, he appears not to have been processed before... WAR-CHIEF: Really? How interesting. Alright carry on. (The guards remove Jamie.) WAR-CHIEF: But in future inform me of all such unusual developments. (The War-Chief leaves and the Scientist sighs to himself.) SCIENTIST: Prepare the reprocessing machine, we shall begin with this one. (He moves over to Russell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: WARDROBE ROOM ZOE: Oh Doctor we're too late, where've they taken him? DOCTOR: I don't know...but don't worry, at least we know that he's alive. We've got to get in there. Uh, Lieutenant. (The Doctor gestures to the Carstairs.) CARSTAIRS: Right sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (Carstairs nips out and grabs the scientist's assistant, dragging him soundlessly back through the hole in the wall. The Doctor creeps up behind the Scientist who is absorbed in his work on the machine.) DOCTOR: I think you'll find that bit goes there. (He plucks a block from the man's hand and adds it to the board.) SCIENTIST: Ah thank you! (The Scientist turns to see the Doctor smiling at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: BARN (The nervous young figure of Private Moor stands on guard over Von-Weich whose hands are tied.) VON-WEICH: How long do you intend keeping me here? MOOR: Until...they come back. VON-WEICH: And supposing they don't come back? (As Moor looks around nervously Von-Weich gets up, but before he can get anywhere Moor's rifle is pointed at his chest again.) VON-WEICH: I'd like some water. MOOR: Alright, si'down. (Von-Weich sits again and Moor moves over to a canteen and turns to pick it up, then spins around with his rifle catching Von-Weich trying to escape.) MOOR: Stop! (He motions Von-Weich down again with his rifle.) MOOR: Try that again and I'll kill you! (He tosses the canteen to Von-Weich.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: SECURITY ROOM (The Security-Chief is interrogating Jamie with the truth-machine.) SECURITY-CHIEF: But who sent you here? JAMIE: Nobody sent us, I came with the Doctor. SECURITY-CHIEF: Why did he decide to come to this planet? JAMIE: He didn't i-it was an accident. SECURITY-CHIEF: Accident? Explain. JAMIE: It's the TARDIS you see, he can't control it. We just arrived here. SECURITY-CHIEF: Was the Doctor summoned here by one of us? JAMIE: No, we just arrived. (The door to the Security room glides open and the War-Chief strides in with a guard.) WAR-CHIEF: Don't let me interrupt you. (The Security-Chief takes off the truth-machine.) SECURITY-CHIEF: The questioning is over. WAR-CHIEF: What have you learnt? SECURITY-CHIEF: Nothing of importance. WAR-CHIEF: Really? Will you be questioning the others? SECURITY-CHIEF: They are all from the same resistance group, they will all tell the same story. WAR-CHIEF: But this one is different, surely. SECURITY-CHIEF: Why should he be? WAR-CHIEF: This one hasn't been processed before has he? SECURITY-CHIEF: It's possible. WAR-CHIEF: It's a fact! Why was I not informed? SECURITY-CHIEF: This is a matter of security. Security is my responsibility as you often remind me! WAR-CHIEF: Your first responsibility is to me! SECURITY-CHIEF: No! My first responsibility is to the War-Lord and to my people! WAR-CHIEF: You don't trust me. But if you question my loyalty tell the War-Lord, but I warn you be absolutely sure of your suspicions because if you accuse me without proof, I shall crush you! [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The Doctor is attempting to revive the resistance members with a phial of smelling salts.) CARSTAIRS: Can't you hurry it up? RUSSELL: What happened, where am I? DOCTOR: It's alright you're quite safe. CARSTAIRS: Who are you? DOCTOR: We're your friends. CARSTAIRS: You'll have to hurry it up Doctor. RUSSELL: Doctor? You must be the one that Jamie was talking about. Where is he? DOCTOR: Well I'm-I'm afraid that they've taken him away, now up you get. (He helps Russell to his feet.) CARSTAIRS: Doctor we're wasting time. (A guard walks around the corner with his weapon raised and Carstairs is forced to shoot him.) CARSTAIRS: Come on Doctor let's get out of here! DOCTOR: Quickly through the gap in the wall here, Zoe help him. (He rushes to the processing machine and attempts to remove it from its stand.) CARSTAIRS: Come on Doctor. DOCTOR: I'll be a minute. (Another guard rushes over to his fallen comrade, and ducks away as Carstairs fires a warning shot. The Doctor is still struggling to unscrew the processing machine.) CARSTAIRS: Come on Doctor! DOCTOR: Just a minute! CARSTAIRS: No now! We'll all..or we'll all be caught! Come on. (They get through the panel and replaces just as the guards begin to mass outside the processing room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: WARDROBE ROOM RUSSELL: What is this place? DOCTOR: Ah, well it's the headquarters of the people who are running this whole disgraceful business. (Russell fills his gun with bullets.) RUSSELL: Just the people I want to get my hands on! DOCTOR: Yes, it's not quite as simple as that, there are rather a lot of them. RUSSELL: I don't care how many of them there are! DOCTOR: They have rather sophisticated weapons, you wouldn't stand a chance. RUSSELL: Oh. So what do we do now? DOCTOR: We've got to return to the time-zones and organise the resistance into one big army! RUSSELL: If you can find them, they're spread all over the place. I've been trying to link them up myself, but it's finding them and you don't know who you can trust. DOCTOR: Ah yes, we do now. My friend Zoe has ah, memorised an entire list of the resistance, ah, and their whereabouts. ZOE: Yes, I memorised the files when I was in the security room. DOCTOR: Now I must get you back to the landing bay. CARSTAIRS: Those guards'll be all over the place. DOCTOR: Yes...yes, what we need is some kind of disguise... (He looks around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: BARN (Moor is still suspiciously covering Von-Weich.) VON-WEICH: British Private aren't you? Nineteenth century. MOOR: You can see that can't you! (Von-Weich stands.) VON-WEICH: Oh would you mind reaching my monocle for me? It's in my pocket there. (Moor obliges him, and Von-Weich places it in his eye and engages Moor with a terrifying hypno-stare.) VON-WEICH: Thank you. MOOR: Now sit down again. VON-WEICH: Don't you talk to me like that I'm a British Officer! MOOR: No you're not, you're my prisoner! VON-WEICH: I'm not your prisoner Moor, I'm your commanding Officer. MOOR: I'm not, I'm not in the army. The resistance I'm in! VON-WEICH: You're in the British army Private Moor, the year is eighteen seventy-one. (As Von-Weich's words echo in his brain Moor begins to gape, as if he's not sure what to believe.) VON-WEICH: You're in the British army Moor, and I am your commanding Officer. Now untie me! [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (Guards cover the entrance to the processing room as The War-Chief joins the Security-Chief.) SECURITY-CHIEF: They are in here, trapped. (He nods to the guards.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Right in! (The guards rush in, weapons raised.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The Security-Chief and the War-Chief follow and find the room curiously empty.) SECURITY-CHIEF: They were seen in here by my men. WAR-CHIEF: Where are they now, vanished into thin air? SECURITY-CHIEF: There is only one way they could have escaped - by use of a space/time machine! (The War-Chief moves across the room and examines the walls.) WAR-CHIEF: I'm sorry to crush your wild theories. (He pushes the panel and it falls with a clatter.) WAR-CHIEF: There's your space/time machine! (The Security-Chief turns to the guards.) SECURITY-CHIEF: After them! WAR-CHIEF: You're too late for that! By now they will be on their way to the landing bay now I should imagine. Try and get there before them. (The guards file out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: SECURITY ROOM (Jamie looks up and sees a gas masked figure in a trenchcoat looming over him. He is still a little muzzy from the truth machine.) JAMIE: Aah! (The figure pulls off the mask.) DOCTOR: It's alright Jamie, it's me. JAMIE: Oh...oh. DOCTOR: Now come on, we're going to put on this great-coat. JAMIE: W-w-where's Zoe, what-what's happened? DOCTOR: She's waiting outside, now come along. (Jamie doesn't resist as he is helped into a trenchcoat, and they rush out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT DOCTOR: All in by twos. Come along, there's no time to be lost. Right is everybody ready? Quick march! (They all march towards the landing bay.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: LANDING BAY (A technician is sitting working at the main board when he is grabbed from behind. The Doctor moves to the control board.) ZOE: Are you sure you can work the controls Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, I-I think I can. Now let me see... ZOE: More guards! DOCTOR: Oh my goodness! (As a number of guards rush towards them the Doctor manipulates the controls. A pulsing forcefield sets up, but it is not quick enough to prevent two of the guards from getting through.) DOCTOR: There that should stop them! (He looks a little worried as the two guards that got through run towards them, but Jamie, Russell and Carstairs begin to tussle with them before they can use their weapons. The Doctor claps excitedly and returns his attention to the control board.) DOCTOR: Now we preset it for the nineteen-seventeen zone, and off we go! ZOE: Doctor, how did you do it so easily? DOCTOR: It's not very difficult Zoe, now the doors... (He manipulates the controls and the door to the nearest SIDRAT scrapes open.) DOCTOR: Come along, don't be afraid, you've gone before. CARSTAIRS: After you Doctor? DOCTOR: No-no, I-I-I-I shall follow on in a moment. ZOE: D'you mean you're staying here? DOCTOR: No, but I must get the processing machine! JAMIE: Aye, if you're staying, I'd better stay too! CARSTAIRS: Ah, you can count on me then, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh very well. Go on Zoe, off you you go. We'll follow on in a few minutes, good luck. (He manipulates the controls and the SIDRAT vanishes with a warm sparkling sound.) CARSTAIRS: What are you going to do about those guards Doctor? DOCTOR: We're going to let them in. (He moves the controls again and the forcefields vanish. The guards rush into the landing bay, but looking round they find it empty. Reasoning that the quarry has left in the SIDRAT, they move off up the ramp. When they are gone, the Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs peep out from behind the main panel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: BARN VON-WEICH: You understand now Moor? I am your commanding Officer. MOOR: You... You are my commanding Officer, yes sir. VON-WEICH: Good. Now Moor, give me your gun. (Moor looks a little uncertain. With a sparkling of materialisation the SIDRAT appears, the door scrapes open and Russell, Zoe and a soldier disembark.) VON-WEICH: Moor shoot them, that's an order! (Moor raises his rifle and aims, but doesn't fire. The Soldier bundles Zoe back into the SIDRAT.) SOLDIER: Back in 'ere quick. (Russell walks forward.) RUSSELL: Moor? Moor it's me, Russell. VON-WEICH: Private Moor, shoot him! RUSSELL: Don't take any notice of him, you're one of us, one of the resistance, remember? MOOR: Resistance? No, I'm in the army. Oh-oh-two-three-nine Moor! Private Moor! VON-WEICH: Shoot him! (Having reached a close enough distance, Russell takes advantage of Moor's confusions and pulls the rifle away from him. They fight amongst themselves, but Russell is far the superior and it isn't long before he has knocked the Private out, throwing the Moor across the barn, his head colliding with a beam.) VON-WEICH: Stay! (Von-Weich has picked up a revolver dropped by Moor in the struggle and is pointing it at Russell.) VON-WEICH: You come one step nearer you'll die! (He does as he is told.) VON-WEICH: Good! Now you're both coming back with me. Get inside the machine. RUSSELL: No, you'll have to shoot me first. VON-WEICH: Very well, if you prefer to die that's your affair! (He raises the handgun and aims it at Russell. There is a shot. Von-Weich doubles up, then collapses. Moor has recovered and shot Von-Weich with his rifle. Moor stares at the corpse and Russell walks over to him.) MOOR: I-I had to shoot him didn't I? RUSSELL: Thank goodness you did lad. MOOR: I'm not sure what happened. RUSSELL: You've just saved our lives, that's what 'appened. [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (With Carstairs on guard at the doorway, the Doctor hurries to remove the processing machine from the stand with Jamie by his side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: SECURITY ROOM WAR-CHIEF: So you have lost them. They have got away. SECURITY-CHIEF: One of them knew how to operate our space/time machines. WAR-CHIEF: Are you blaming me for that? SECURITY-CHIEF: You knew they would head for the landing bay. You knew one of them could operate our machines. WAR-CHIEF: Well of course, that is after all how they got here. Logic seems to be your weakpoint. Do something about this resistance group before the War-Lord arrives. SECURITY-CHIEF: Wherever they are I shall find them. [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (Jamie places a knapsack large enough for the processing machine before the Doctor.) JAMIE: Is this alright Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, that's splendid. (He slips the machine off the stand and into the bag.) DOCTOR: There we are. That's it, right off we go. (He spots something and pauses, handing the bag to Jamie he picks up a handful of glass objects.) DOCTOR: Just a minute... Hold that. JAMIE: Now what? CARSTAIRS: What are those Doctor? DOCTOR: They're gas-filled valves. Come on! (They exit the processing room without looking back. In the shadows behind them the scientist lurks, and as they move off he slips into the processing room looking around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (The Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs rush along towards the landing bay.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: LANDING BAY (They arrive to a bay full of guards. The Doctor throws one of his gas filled valves to the floor, filling the chamber with smoke. While the scientists are incapacitated, the Doctor moves the controls on the board. The gas-masked trio slip through the fuggy air and inside a SIDRAT.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31, INT: SIDRAT JAMIE: Will we get away alright? DOCTOR: Yes I hope so Jamie. (The Doctor smiles at the sound of materialisation.) DOCTOR: There we go. (But as he listens the sound cuts out.) DOCTOR: But... They must have stopped it from the outside! JAMIE: W-well can they get in the doors? (The Doctor moves a few shapes in the miniature control board.) DOCTOR: No, not now I've set the emergency lock. JAMIE: W-w-will we get away alright? DOCTOR: Yes, it's only a question of overriding the master control, now it's a slightly different design to the TARDIS... (A familiar voice pipes through the SIDRAT's communication systems.) SECURITY-CHIEF OOV: Open the doors and surrender, you are trapped! [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: LANDING BAY SECURITY-CHIEF: There is no chance of escape! Surrender and we will spare your lives! (Outside the SIDRAT two guards have their weapons aimed at the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33, INT: SIDRAT CARSTAIRS: What are you going to do Doctor? DOCTOR: Now don't worry, these things are impregnable against outside attack. JAMIE: Ah, you mean like the TARDIS? SECURITY-CHIEF OOV: This is your last chance, surrender now! [SCENE_BREAK] 34, INT: LANDING BAY WAR-CHIEF: How do you propose to get them out? SECURITY-CHIEF: We will wait, they will come out. WAR-CHIEF: No, we won't wait. We'll force them out! (He moves to the control panel and shoves the technician sitting the aside.) SECURITY-CHIEF: What do you intend to do? WAR-CHIEF: Activate the dimensional control. (He moves a shape on the board downwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35, INT: SIDRAT (There is a curious sound in the SIDRAT, but no-one notices it at first.) JAMIE: Are we doing alright Doctor? DOCTOR: Very nicely Jamie. Now don't worry, nothing can happen to us in here! CARSTAIRS: Am I seeing things? The walls! Look! JAMIE: And the ceiling too! DOCTOR: Oh no! Argh! Everybody get down! Argh! Oh oh argh! (They are all forced to the ground as the SIDRAT interior shrinks down further and further.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36, INT: LANDING BAY WAR-CHIEF: You must surrender Doctor, or you will all be crushed to death! You have thirty seconds to decide. (He moves the shape on the board down a little more.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37, INT: SIDRAT WAR-CHIEF OOV: Thirty seconds... (The Doctor, Jamie and Carstairs can do nothing as the ceiling and walls continue to push in on them.)
Plan: A: The scientist; Q: Who realizes Jamie is a new arrival on the planet? A: the captured resistance fighters; Q: What does the scientist examine? A: their friends; Q: Who do the Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs try to rescue? Summary: The scientist examines the captured resistance fighters and realises Jamie is a new arrival on the planet while the Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs try to rescue their friends.
Ted from 2030: Kids, this is a story of landmarks. There are certain moments in life when you have to decide which things you can stand to see torn down, and which things you have to preserve, no matter what. Such a moment came for all of us in May of 2011, at a special meeting of the New York City Landmarks Preservation Commission, where the fate of The Arcadian would be decided once and for all. New York City Landmarks Preservation Commission Marshall: A symbol of strength and constancy, the stone lion of The Arcadian has watched over New Yorkers for generations. So remember: if the lion head stonework is regal, then tearing it down should be illegal. Well. Did you like that? All right, uh... We must make sure the lion is always there. Destroy The Arcadian? Oh, no, don't you dare. Yeah? Yeah? Okay. Try this one on for size... If you want New York's history at your beck and call... Chairman: All right, thank you, Mr. Eriksen. Marshall: I just have... Chairman: We will now hear from the architect of the proposed GNB Tower, Ted Mosby. Now, uh, Mr. Mosby, let's just cut right to the chase. Do you think The Arcadian should be a landmark?...Okay, it's killing me. What rhymes with "beck and call?" Marshall: Wrecking ball. Don't go swinging no wrecking ball. Audience: Ah... Marshall: Thank you. [OPENING CREDITS] Chairman: Mr. Mosby, do you think The Arcadian should be a landmark? It's not a difficult question. Ted from 2030: Actually, it a difficult question. Of course, had he asked me a few days earlier, I would have immediately said... [Two days earlier...] Ted: "Yes. The Arcadian should be a landmark." And then the crowd gasps: "Oh, my God! Did he really just say that? Oh, heavens! Oh, my stars! I must clutch my pearls!" Zoey: So these things are generally attended by old Southern ladies? Ted: Almost exclusively. But here's my point: If they ask GNB's chief architect... aka me... if The Arcadian should be a landmark, and I say "yes"? Zoey: That, no, that wasn't The Arcadian being destroyed; that was GNB's hopes of destroying The Arcadian. Marshall: I'm sorry, I should have been more clear. Zoey: Yeah. The Arcadian's gonna be all like... Marshall: Nice. Robin: I have a message from Barney. Ted from 2030: Things between Barney and the rest of us had gotten a little frosty. First this happened. Zoey: Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save The Arcadian. Ted from 2030: And then this happened. Zoey: What kind of dirtbag doesn't stand by his best friends, but instead, sides with some self-righteous bitch with a pointless cause and a megaphone?! Ted: Dude! That's my girlfriend. And ya know what? I'm on her side now, too. Ted from 2030: Which led to this happening. Zoey: Message from Barney? That's my cue to leave. Good night, guys. I love you. Ted: Mmm. Love you, too. Lily: All right, what's the message? 'Cause if it's another hypothetical yet eerily accurate drawing of my boobs... Robin: Yeah, I have that, too. Lily: Damn it. Robin: All right, here's the message. (clears throat, then reads Barney's note) "Oh, hey, guys. Didn't see you there. I was too busy feelin' fine and..." Really? "Feelin' fine and gettin' some 'jine. You may have noticed the giant plate of hot wings in front of me. I know how much you love hot wings. Too bad someone bribed the kitchen to take them off the menu tonight. So, if you want some, you're going to have to come back to GNB. But hurry, this offer will be gone lickety-split. (Barney licks his hot wings peace by peace then throws them down) Do evil laugh." Oh, um... (makes a poor impression of Barney's laugh) So, what are you turds up to? Marshall: Oh, we've got the big LPC meeting in two days. I have my whole presentation worked out. I just need to find a good rhyme to end on. Ted: Why does it need to rhyme? Marshall: If you end an argument with a rhyme, it's convincing all the time. Lily: Yeah. It's why in our apartment: If you're a-hopin' to score, don't leave your socks on the floor. Marshall: And she hasn't since. Barney: Okay, okay. A couple of things. Lily, how'd I do? Marshall: Nailed it. Barney: Secondly, Ted, I'm sorry I said mean things about Zoey. Are you really going to walk away from this project just because you're mad at me? Ted: It's not because I'm mad at you. Barney, The Arcadian was designed by a guy named John Clifford Larrabee. And even though he's been dead for half a century, it's my duty, architect to architect, to keep his work alive. Please tell me a little part of you understands. Barney: I understand. Zoey has magic lady bits. Ted: What? Barney: Zoey's lady bits... are magic, and that's how she controls your mind. You see, every few hundred millennia, lady bits leap forward... Lily: I know you're only just getting started, but this is already gross. Barney: I once knew such a girl. [FLASHBACK] Barney: It was last call. In this very bar. Later...Barney and the girl from the bar are in bed, the girl is texting something on her phone... Barney: What...?! No... What?!...No... What?! [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Um... thank you for, um, not using a first name in that story. Ted: Barney, this is about the building. Barney: Come on. This is so about the girl. Ted: Okay, fine. It's about the girl! I am doing this for Zoey! I'm in love with her. Look, I know it's early, but there is a very good chance Zoey might be the mother of my children. So, in addition to doing this for John Clifford Larrabee, I'm also doing this for Luke and Leia. Lily: Wait. She's gonna let you name your kids Luke and Leia? Ted: Not if I knock down her favorite building, she isn't. Barney, I'm sorry. Barney: Oh, you're not sorry now, Ted Mosby. But you will be. You... will... be. (laughing harder and louder) That's how you do an evil laugh. Ciao for now. Ted from 2030: Now, kids, you remember Arthur Hobbs, Barney and Marshall's old boss at GNB? Well, Arthur was going through a divorce and taking it kind of hard. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Hi, Arthur. Everything okay? Arthur: No, everything's not okay. My stupid wife got custody of Tugboat. God, I should have kept her hidden in a cage in the basement. Barney: Isn't that animal cruelty? Arthur: I'm talking about my wife. Barney: Oh. That's fine, then. So listen, you know Ted, the architect? Arthur: Yeah, I know your friend Ted. Barney: So, if Ted stood up at that big meeting tomorrow and said that he thought The Arcadian should be a landmark... You wouldn't just fire him, would you? (laughing uncomfortably) Right? You wouldn't just... You wouldn't just... yeah... Arthur: No, Barney. I wouldn't just fire him. I'd also fire you. Barney: Come again for Big Fudge? [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Can you believe that?! I can't be unemployed, Robin! My job is my identity; It's who I am. It gives me the confidence I need to convince girls I'm a fighter pilot. Robin: I-I don't understand. Why would he fire you? [FLASHBACK] In Arthur's office at GNB Barney: I don't understand. Why would you fire me? Arthur: Have you already forgotten how Mosby got that job? Barney: By being the best architect available? Arthur: No. Barney: By... being Latino? Arthur: No. Let me refresh your memory. We were in this very room. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Guys, I'm telling you, if Ted Mosby isn't fantastic, fire me. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Damn it! I was kidding? [FLASHBACK] Barney: I'm not kidding! Oh, by the way, Arthur, uh, how are things with you and your wife? Arthur: Really good. In fact, I just put all my assets in her name. Smartest thing I've ever done. [END OF FLASHBACK] Both: Damn it! Arthur: No, you'd better make sure Mosby doesn't screw up tomorrow. Because either that building is going down, or you're going down. [END OF LASHBACK] At the appartment Ted: They're going to fire him? That sucks. He loves that job. Marshall: And he's been doing it for years. Lily: Okay, what does Barney do at GNB? Ted: No idea. Marshall: He has a lot of keys. Robin: Okay, Ted, can you just please think about this before you... Ted: There's nothing to think about. I-I can't lose Zoey. That's the only thing that matters to me right now. Robin: Okay, Ted... you know I love Zoey. But, look, sometimes... I go play chess in the park. And the key to chess... Okay, I play online. But the key to chess... Okay, it's Angry Birds! But the key to Angry Birds is to always try to see every possible outcome. And to... hit some pigs with rocks or something. I don't know; I don't play. I can't get it to download. The point is, this thing with you and Zoey? I can see it going three possible ways. There's the first scenario. [ROBIN'S FIRST SCENARIO] Robin: The chairman asks you... Chairman: Do you think The Arcadian should be a landmark? Robin: You say... Ted: No. Robin: And Zoey dumps you on the spot. Zoey: We're done here. [END OF ROBIN'S FIRST SCENARIO] Robin: There's the second scenario. [ROBIN'S SECOND SCENARIO] Robin: The chairman asks you... Chairman: Do you think The Arcadian should be a landmark? Robin: You say... Ted: Yes Robin: And you're happy for, like, a second, until you realize the building you helped save has just become a monument to everything this woman made you give up, and you resent her for it, so much so, in fact, that you dump her. Ted: We're done here. [END OF ROBIN'S SENCOND SCENARIO] Ted: You said there was a third scenario. Robin: Right. [ROBIN'S THIRD SCENARIO] Robin: The chairman asks you... Chairman: Do you think The Arcadian should be a landmark? Robin: But before you can answer...You're hit in the neck with a blow dart fired by the ninja Zoey's ex-husband hired to assassinate you. [END OF ROBIN'S THIRD SCENARIO] Robin: That one's less likely. What I'm saying... what I hate saying... is this. You and Zoey are gonna break up. But you can still save your career and Barney's. Ted: Okay, first of all, no ninja's getting a jump on me. I have the reflexes of a jungle... (Robin slaps him by surprise) Lily: Tree? Ted: Second of all, I don't care that the odds are stacked against us. I'd rather try to make this work with Zoey than spend the rest of my life alone playing Angry Birds, which, by the way, I've shown you how to download, like, 20 times. Lily: I've got to say, I'm with Ted on this. Ted: Thank you. Lily: I mean, yes, this is a huge, divisive issue for them. Which means no matter what happens, there's gonna be a lot of resentment. Probably lasting for years... infecting every single moment of the rest of their relationship. So, in conclusion, I'm with Robin on this. Robin: Thank you. Ted from 2030: That night, as I slept soundly... [SCENE_BREAK] In Ted's bedroom (A man looking very much like Barney in a renting old costume and brown hair, appears in Ted's bedroom) Ted: Barney, what are you doing? Ghost: Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of The Arcadian. And I am visiting you in a dream... Ted: Really? 'Cause it feels more like my insane friend renting a costume and breaking into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish I could say was the first time. Ghost: Look, it's a dream, it is. So just... okay? Theodore... heed my words: do not try to save The Arcadian. Ted: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer. Just take them and get out. Ghost, shouting dramatically: I am not... Barney... (The lights twinkle) Ted: Whoa! Lighting change! Ghost: Theodore, you know The Arcadian is a badly built, architecturally unimportant rat's nest designed by an overpaid, plagiarizing ether addict with two thumbs. This guy. Ted: Okay, yes, it's-it's a terrible building, but... does that mean we have to knock it down? I mean, it's not bothering anyone. Just anyone who lives in it... Or looks at it... Or smells it. Ghost: New York is never finished, Theodore. She's a lady only a handful of architects ever get to dance with. Do not miss your turn. Ted: The Arcadian has to go, doesn't it? Ghost: Indeed. Ted: You realize this kind of screws up my personal life. Ghost: Mo' buildings, mo' problems. Ted: This is a dream, right? Because, Barney, I swear to God, if that's you... (The ghost snaps his fingers, then transforms itself into Ted's mother) Ghost: Mommy's got Magic Lady Bits, Ted. Ted, panting: Dream! Dream! It was just a dream. (He takes his breath again, then phones Zoey) Hey. I know it's late, but, uh... you want to meet up? Outside the Arcadian Zoey: Hello, Mr. Lion. Ted: "Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair"" Zoey: Hey, I met you right...(laughs)...here. Ted: Right. And I mistook you for a prostitute right... here. Zoey: As far as you know, I still could be one. And you, my good man, have run up quite a tab. Ted: Worth every penny. Zoey: All right... this was fun. I'm gonna take this cab. Big day tomorrow. We need to get some sleep. And yet... Ted: No, we should get some sleep. But this was fun. Zoey: Yeah. It's nice getting one last look to remember what we're trying to save. Ted: Exactly. Zoey: You okay? Ted: Yeah. Good night. At the Landmark Commission Chairman: Mr. Mosby, I'm going to ask you one last time. Should The Arcadian be a landmark? Ted: No, it shouldn't be a landmark. There are a lot of important buildings in New York. The Arcadian isn't one of them. Zoey: E-Excuse me, I have a question for Mr. Mosby. If he doesn't think The Arcadian's worth saving, then whose voice is this? (She plays a recorder) Ted, on recorder: The Arcadian should be a landmark. It should. The lion head stonework is iconic. I hate working for GNB. They're a bunch of... wieners and gonads. Chairman: Is that your voice, Mr. Mosby? Ted: Yeah, that's me. At the Bar Ted: This is a nightmare. I can't believe she kept that tape. The LPC's gonna come back with a decision tomorrow, and based on today... Robin: They're gonna landmark the hell out of that place. Ted: Yeah. Barney: We'll end up out of a job, all thanks to some stupid, only sort of awesome lion head. Marshall: Better get used to that lion head. As of tomorrow, it's gonna be there till the end of times. And all because of my sweet, sweet rhymes. Ted: What are we gonna do? We should buy a bar. Barney: We should totally buy a bar! Marshall: We should absolutely totally buy a bar! Robin: It's really the only sensible idea right now. Marshall: Oh, oh, and ready? It's a theme bar. It's a courtroom. Ted: Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes. Marshall: I'll allow it! Barney: The only court where you show up, then get served. Robin: Ho! You're judged by a jury of your beers. Ted: That's not bad. Lily: Just stop it! No one's buying a bar. Right now we have a little problem. Let's just think of a solution. Ted: Lily, it's over. The good guys lost. Marshall: I don't know, homegirl is pretty diabolical. If there is a plan that'll get us out of this, it's somewhere inside this butter churn. She'll think of it. I'm just gonna sit here... and watch it happen. (Lily starts to jiggle) And she's got it! Lily, what's the plan? Barney: Oh, this ought to be good. Ted from 2030: And then Lily told us her plan. Barney: Oh, this is good! Ted: We have to find Arthur right now. In the street Arthur: What is so difficult about this?! Tugboat figured this out in, like, five minutes. This is bush league! Barney: Hey, Arthur! Robin: Oh, cute dog! Arthur: No! Tugboat, my other dog, that was a cute dog. This little disappointment is nothing but a cheap facsimile. I said it! Yeah, my love is reserved for dogs that go to the bathroom on command instead of wasting my time! Barney: Listen, Arthur, Marshall's wife has an idea for how we can save, not saving The Arcadian. Arthur: Oh, his wife has an idea. Let me tell you about wives, okay? They leave you and take your best friend with them. You're not Tugboat! You'll never be Tugboat! Barney: Uh... Hey, Arthur? Arthur: I guess this one's kind of cute or whatever. So... so what's the idea? Lily: Okay, first hear my demands. One, Ted and Barney keep their jobs. Two, when you guys do finally blow up The Arcadian, one of them gets to push the button. Barney and Ted: Dibs. Arthur: Fine! What's the idea? Lily: Well... Ted from 2030: Kids, for legal reasons, I have to skip this part of the story and jump ahead to the next night, as the Landmarks Preservation Commission gave their verdict. Landmarks Preservation Commission Chairman: Last night, this committee took a vote, and while we have all felt from the very beginning that The Arcadian is, well, an eyesore... Mr. Mosby's surprising testimony about the lion's head stonework left us no choice but to declare it... a landmark. But then, something else happened last night. That same lion's head stonework...disappeared. So... that makes our job a little easier. Motion denied. (preservationists groan, GNB people applaud and cheer) Ted: Zoey... Zoey! Zoey: All right, what do you have to say for yourself? Ted: I don't know. Sometimes... things have to fall apart to make way for better things. Zoey: We're done here. Ted's appartment / Barney's appartment (Ted and Barney are on the phone) Ted: Okay, you don't have to hold back anymore. You may now say what you really think of Zoey. Barney: I don't know, she may have been right about that lion's head. It gave The Arcadian a regal elegance. Then again, it goes really nice with my duvet. (He takes out a normal size screw driver) I hope I used the right screws.
Plan: A: an important decision; Q: What is Ted faced with that might affect his future with Zoey? A: the gang; Q: Who expresses their true feelings about Zoey? Summary: When Ted is faced with an important decision that might affect his future with Zoey, the gang expresses their true feelings about her.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper is there reading a story from a fairy tales book out loud.] Piper: "A year after the death of Snow White's mother, the king remarried, but his new bride was in fact a wicked witch. (Paige walks in.) One consumed by..." Paige: What are you still doing up? Piper: Not sleeping as usual. First trimester nonsense I guess. Paige: You want me to mix you up a potion? Piper: Oh, no thanks. I don't wanna turn my baby into a guinea pig. I've got enough to worry about. Paige: Like I'd ever risk turning my future niece into a rodent, please. Piper: No, I was speaking figuratively. And it's not a knock at your super witch kick, it's just I don't want to subject her to anything that could be remotely bad for her, that's all. Paige: Well, then maybe you should put away those silly fairy tales. Piper: Silly? You think fairy tales are silly? Paige: Yeah, they're all about helpless women needing big, strong men to come and rescue them. Plus, they're filled with evil witches. Do you really wanna teach your kid that? Piper: No, I want to teach her values and that's what fairy tales are best at, you know, good overcomes evil. It's how Grams taught us. Paige: Well, my grandmother taught me vales just fine without big wolves devouring little girls. You want my advice? Piper: Not really. (Paige walks over to the Book Of Shadows.) Paige: You should ditch the fiction and do what all other mums-to-be do and that is to rely on your natural instincts. (Paige picks up the Book Of Shadows and takes it to Piper.) Piper: Well, my natural instincts are to panic and besides, every other mother-to-be doesn't have to worry about their child orbing out to Tahiti when they are sent to their room. I don't have a clue. Paige: Luckily you have two magical sisters who are gonna help you any way they can. So don't worry, honey, you're gonna be just fine. (Paige leaves the attic.) Piper: I hope so. Where were we? "A year after the death of Snow White's mother, the king remarried. But his new bride was in fact a wicked witch, one consumed by jealousy. Every day she asked the magic mirror the same question." [Cut to a castle. An old man is cleaning a magic mirror. A lady's face (the wicked witch) appears in the mirror.] Wicked Witch: Aren't you dead yet? Old Man: Ha, still so bitter after all these centuries. Some things never change. (He turns to an apprentice, cleaning glass slippers.) Careful, my boy, those are not just symbols, they're pieces of history. Apprentice: I understand. (He puts the slipper on a stand. There is a sign saying "Cinderella" under them.) Old Man: Never forget the power of every fairy tale emanates from each of these. (The nail holding up the magic mirror starts to come loose.) Their magic continues to shape every child born, even to this day. Which makes the task of preserving and protecting them much greater. (The magic mirror falls from the wall.) No, the mirror! Don't let it fall! (The mirror smashes and a white mist floats out of it. The mist forms into the wicked witch.) Wicked Witch: Thanks so much. I thought I'd never get out of there. (She grabs the old man by the neck.) This is the way to begin a story. (The old man drops to the floor. The wicked witch turns to the apprentice.) Apprentice: Who are you? Wicked Witch: Little rusty on your fairy tales I see. Evil witch, magic mirror, speaks only the truth. Perhaps this would help. "Freedoms lost must be unwitting, into the glass to do my bidding." (The apprentice is sucked into the mirror. The wicked witch uses her power and the mirror slides back up the wall and into its place.) Now, amuse me. Not that you have any choice. "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the most powerful witch?" Apprentice: You're much stronger than most witches I see, yet truth be told there are three more powerful than thee. (Images of Piper, Phoebe and Paige show in the mirror.) Wicked Witch: We'll see about that. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper is asleep on a couch. Paige walks in holding the Book Of Shadows.] Paige: Piper! (Piper jumps up.) Piper: Where's the baby? Paige: It's okay, you're okay. Piper: Ohh, I think I had a nightmare. Paige: Yeah, the brothers Grimm strike again. I wonder how they got their name. Where's Leo? Piper: I don't know, I think he's helping one of his charges. What are you doing? Paige: Failing miserably. I can't seem to make this protection potion work. (She places the Book Of Shadows back on its stand.) Piper: Well, that's because it can't be done. Paige: Well, according to the book it can. Your Grams was working on the entry so that means she was close to figuring one out. Piper: Well, too bad she's not around, she could help us both out. I just, I need a little guidance. Paige: What about your friend Wendy? She just had a baby, ask her. Piper: Yeah, not one that could heal herself from the womb. I just wish I could talk to somebody who's been through this before. (Phoebe races in.) Phoebe: There you are. Paige, did you ever make that vanquishing potion? Paige: Vanquishing potion? Phoebe: The one for Cole. Remember I gave you the letter opener with his blood on it? Paige: Right, vanquishing potion. I'm sorry, I didn't know you needed that right away. Do you? Phoebe: Well, if the nightmare I had last night turns out to be a premonition, then yeah, big time. He had me back in the underworld as his queen. Piper: Oh, yeah, but you've had that nightmare before. Phoebe: I've lived that nightmare before, we all have, but this time we have to be prepared. Paige: No arguments here. Phoebe: And he's got a lot more powers now so there's no telling how he's gonna come after me. You guys have to be really, really careful, okay. Piper: What, you think Cole's gonna try and kill us? That would not be the best way to win you back. Paige: Yeah, but it wouldn't be the first time he tried. Piper: But he just helped us save her. Phoebe: Only because he didn't wanna lose me. All I'm saying is we've gotta be ready just in case he tries something. He is still a demon. Call me at work if you get the potion, okay? [Scene: Castle. The wicked witch is there looking at images of Piper, Phoebe and Paige in the mirror. The images disappear and the apprentice appears.] Apprentice: Wanna see more? Wicked Witch: No, I think I've seen enough to know how to kill them. Apprentice: Powerful though you are, I doubt it can be done. For good magic protects the Charmed Ones. Wicked Witch: Still, I wonder if it can protect them against such powerful magic as we have here. Certainly worth a try. Apprentice: But using the props for evil could... Wicked Witch: Change the meaning of fairy tales? Shift them away from good? So be it. (She opens a large fairy tale book.) Let's begin with Snow White. She was easy prey. Woodsman come forth. (The picture of a woodsman in the book glows and a real life woodsman appears in the room.) Bring me the heart of the witch which is white as snow. (She picks up an axe off a stand and hands it to the Woodsman.) Woodsman: As you wish. (He leaves.) Wicked Witch: Now, mirror, mirror, show me the sister who's been burned by love. (Images of The Bay Mirror show. Phoebe walks in.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Oh, I know, I am very, very late. Assistant: It's okay, I switched your nine o'clock with the two o'clock, I bumped your ten to twelve and I made your eleven o'clock a lunch, so you can expense it. Phoebe: Okay, I have no idea what you said but it sounds great. Any messages? Assistant: Uh, yeah. Your divorce attorney called, then Cole, Cole and Cole again. Phoebe: Get my divorce attorney on the phone. (Phoebe turns and bumps into a guy. She spills her coffee.) Oh. Guy: I'm sorry. Assistant: I'll get some paper towels. Guy: I'm so sorry. Phoebe: That's okay. (The guy pulls a handkerchief out of his suit pocket and starts to wipe the coffee off Phoebe.) Guy: Here, I... Phoebe: Thanks. (She takes the handkerchief.) Guy: I really am terribly sorry, I'd be happy to pay for the dry cleaning. Phoebe: No, that's not necessary, Mr... Guy: Prince. Adam Prince. Phoebe: Hi, Adam, I'm... Adam: Phoebe. I, I read your column. Phoebe: You do? Adam: You seem surprised. Phoebe: Well, yeah, you're not exactly my target audience. Unless you're a closet housewife pining for love? Adam: Well, one out of two is not bad. (Cole walks in.) Cole: Adam. Sorry, got hung up in traffic. Phoebe: Wh-what are you doing here? Adam: You two know each other. Cole: Well, yeah, we're married. Phoebe: Wh-yeah, but-but about to be divorced. Cole: I didn't want this to affect your decision on whether or not to buy the paper. Phoebe: Buy what? This paper? Cole: Adam's family owns several newspapers across the country, Phoebe. TV stations too. Adam: And Cole through his law firm was the one who suggested I might be interested in buying this one. Phoebe: That's fascinating stuff right there. Excuse us. Cole: Excuse us. (Phoebe drags Cole into her office and closes the door.) Phoebe: I don't know what you're up to but whatever it is, it is not gonna work. Cole: Don't you think you're being a little paranoid? Phoebe: With my demon ex-husband from hell? No, Cole, I don't. Cole: Look, I'm just trying to help you, okay? I found out Adam liked your column so I figured if he could syndicate it that... Phoebe: If you hurt me or my sisters, I will vanquish you. And this time I'll make sure it sticks. (Phoebe opens the door and Cole leaves.) Adam: You alright? Phoebe: Yeah. I'll be fine. Adam: So I guess this is probably not the best time to ask you out. I mean, not on a date per se, it's just that I'm hosting a charity fundraiser tonight at the St Regis and I thought maybe if you're interested... Phoebe: I'm interested and very, very flattered but you're probably right, it's not the best time for me, you know. Adam: Sure. Phoebe: Rain check? Adam: Absolutely. Phoebe: Okay. (Adam walks away.) [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper and Leo are there.] Piper: You heard me, Leo. I want you to bring Grams back now. Leo: Okay, I can't do that, she's dead. Piper: Well, I realise that. Thank you very much, Leo. I'm not asking you to resurrect her, I just need her here for a little while for some advice. Leo: Then why don't you try conjuring her. You did it once before. Piper: Yeah, okay, but that was a unique situation, okay. Besides, I already tried, it didn't work. Look, I know this doesn't seen important but it is to me. I can't do this alone. Leo: Well, you're not alone, I'm here. Piper: Yeah, I-I-I know but it's not your fault but there's only so much you can do, okay. I'm the one who is carrying the baby and I don't wanna screw it up. Leo: That's ridiculous. Piper: No, it's not ridiculous, it is not ridiculous at all and this is not raging hormones talking, this is a very special baby with very special needs, and I need someone pretty damn special to help me figure it out and when I say now, I mean now! (Grams suddenly appears in bright lights.) Grams: Piper. Piper: (to Leo) Thank you. Leo: Uh, don't thank me I didn't do anything. Grams: What am I doing here? And, uh, corporeal to boot. Piper: Well, what do you mean? Didn't you come on your own power? Grams: Honey, I'm good but I'm not that good. Well, as long as I'm here, don't I get a hug? (Piper and Grams hug.) Piper: But wait, I still don't understand. Who summoned you? Leo: The baby? Piper: No. You think? Leo: Maybe you tapped into her powers somehow and made your wish come true. Grams: Aw, you wished for me? Why? Piper: Because I need help, I need your advice. I need to know how to get ready for this baby. Grams: Oh, well, that's easy. Now, let's see. Have you been exercising your powers daily? Piper: Do I need to? Grams: Well, you know, only if you don't want to lose control of them. Did you perform a ritual to promote growth? Piper: Uh... Grams: Did you cast a spell to ward off demonic parasites? Sweetheart, what did you do? Leo: We built a nursery in our bedroom closet. Grams: Closet? Well, no wonder this baby called me. Come on, we'll start in there, we've got plenty of work to do. (They walk into the foyer. Paige comes down the stairs.) Paige: Oh, my goodness, don't tell me you're already interviewing nannies. (She laughs.) Grams: Paige. You're even more beautiful than I imagined. Paige: And you are? Grams: Why, I'm your Grams of course. Come here. (Grams hugs Paige, who has a funny look on her face.) Piper: (whispers to Leo) Quick, go clean up the nursery. (Leo races off.) Paige: No offence, but, uh, aren't you supposed to be dead? Grams: Oh, I'm over that. Look at you, I mean you're absolutely gorgeous. You have my mother's eyes. Oh, she was a real looker too. I bet you have plenty of boyfriends, right? Paige: Actually, not a problem I'm having right now, Mrs. Halliwell. Grams: Oh, please, call me Grams. (Suddenly, the Woodsman comes crashing through the conservatory wall. He heads for Grams and Piper pushes her out the way. He swings his axe at Paige and she orbs out just in time. She orbs back in and he smacks her across the face, sending her crashing onto the coffee table. Piper's wound on her arm magically heals itself. The Woodsman turns to attack Piper and Grams and Piper blows him up.) Piper: What the hell was that? (Leo runs down the stairs.) Leo: What's going on? Paige. Piper: Paige? (They help Paige up.) [Cut to the castle. The Wicked Witch was watching them through the magic mirror. The apprentice appears back in the mirror.] Apprentice: Try as you like. Fairy tale magic runs out at midnight. Wicked Witch: There's still plenty of time. (She picks up a red apple.) The Woodsman failed but I won't. I'll split the witches up and make sure none of them live happily ever after. (She tucks the apple into her coat and walks over to the glass slippers. She picks them up and smokes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Paige, Leo and Grams walk in.] Paige: I'm telling you, that was a demon. No crazy person off the street is that good with an axe. (Piper sits down and opens the fairy tale book.) Leo: Except, since when do demons attack with an axe? Paige: Athame, axe, what's the difference? (Grams opens the Book Of Shadows.) Grams: Oh, who cares? Let's just see if there's anymore where he came from. I mean, I certainly don't want a body if it's gonna get chopped up. Paige: Well, Piper says you're the super witch, what do you think he was? Grams: I don't know. Although there was something about him that looked familiar. Piper: A little like this maybe? (She holds up the picture of the Woodsman in the book.) Grams: Oh, the woodsman, of course. Oh, you recognised him too. Piper: I read fairy tales to my baby just like you read to me. Grams: Oh, darling. )She giggles.) Well I'm glad you're finally doing something. Paige: Wait, you're saying a fairy tale character came to life and attacked us? Come on. (She rolls her eyes.) Grams: Well, why not? They're real, I mean, at least they used to be. Paige: What? Grams: Oh, Paige. I can see I have lots to teach you too. [Cut to the kitchen. The Wicked Witch smokes in, holding a gift. She places it on the table. She hears a noise and gasps. She pulls the red apple out of her coat and places it in the fruit bowl. It glows for a second. She smokes out. Phoebe walks in through the back door and puts her purse on the table. She sees the gift and opens the lid.] [Cut to the attic.] Grams: Fairy tales are not all fables, my dear. Some are recountings of ancient battles between good and evil. And they're as much apart of our heritage as anything in the Book of Shadows. Paige: You expect me to believe that there are giant beanstalks and gingerbread houses that actually existed? Leo: You used to think that the Evil Enchantress was just a fairy tale too, didn't you? Paige: That was different. That was... Piper: A past life. Yours. (Phoebe walks in carrying the gift.) Phoebe: Hey, you guys, was anyone here when this got... Grams! Grams: In the flesh. So to speak. (They hug.) Phoebe: Oh, it's so good to see you. Wait, what did I just hug? Where did you get the body from? Piper: Oh, it's a long story. And speaking of stories, a fairy tale just tried to slice our heads off. Phoebe: A fairy tale? Leo: The Woodsman from Snow White. Phoebe: Okay, well, that would explain where these came from, glass slippers. (She shows them the gift.) Cinderella's no doubt. Cole knows it's my favourite. Piper: Cole? You think Cole is doing all of this? Phoebe: Who else has enough power to turn fairy tales against us? I told you he was gonna attack. Grams: Except it was an evil witch who sent the woodsman in Snow White. Leo: I think I'd better go check with the elders. Piper: I think you better. (Leo orbs out. Phoebe takes off her shoes.) What are you doing? Phoebe: Proving that I'm right. Paige: Hey, that's risky. You don't know what could happen. Phoebe: Well, I know that Cole won't hurt me, physically anyway. (She opens the box and pulls out the slippers.) Paige: Well, as much as I distrust him, we don't know that it's him behind this. Grams: All the more reason to play along, find out who is. We can't just sit around here and wait to be attacked. Paige: She could get killed. Piper, a little support here. Piper: Uh, if Grams thinks it's a good idea who am I to disagree? (Phoebe puts the slippers on.) Phoebe: See, no problem. I'm fine. (A blue light swirls around her from her feet to her head and her clothes change into a ball gown.) Actually, I'm better than fine. (Phoebe's legs start moving her towards the door.) Whoa. Piper: Where are you going? Phoebe: Whoa. Piper: Where are you going? (Piper and Paige follow her.) Phoebe: I don't know! I can't stop! (They try to hold her back.) Piper: Well, get out of them. Phoebe: I can't. The door. The door. (She holds onto the door frame.) Piper: Grams, what do we do? Grams: Just let her go. We're never gonna be able to get to the bottom of this if you don't. (They let Phoebe go and she walks downstairs.) Paige, follow her, orb her out if she gets in trouble. Paige: She's already in trouble. Phoebe: Help! (Paige follows Phoebe.) Grams: I'm gonna have to help you get ready for a mother later. Right now we've got to deal with evil witches. Piper: Right. (She heads for the Book Of Shadows.) Grams: Oh, uh, not that book. (She picks up the fairy tale book.) This one. [Scene: St Regis. Hallway. Adam, wearing a black tuxedo, walks down talking on his mobile phone.] Adam: Listen, I am very interested in making an offer but I am on my way to a charity event right now. (He walks into an elevator.) Can we talk first thing in the morning? Great. Thank you. (He hangs up. The Wicked Witch smokes in and gives Adam a fright.) What the hell? (The Wicked Witch grabs his face and kisses him. His face glows then turns normal.) How can I serve you, my Queen? Wicked Witch: Just be a charming prince. Meet Cinderella at the ball. But be certain that she's in the carriage by midnight. Otherwise you won't have a happy ending either. [Scene: The street. Phoebe and Paige walk across without stopping. People in cars slam on their breaks and honk their horns.] Phoebe: Hey, I'm walking here! Car Driver: Get out of the street! Paige: Don't you have any way of controlling those things? Phoebe: They didn't exactly come with an instruction manual, Paige. (She walks onto the sidewalk.) Paige: Argh, god. (Phoebe stops. Paige bumps into her.) They stopped. Phoebe: Yeah, but why did they stop? (A horse and carriage pulls up in front of them.) Well, he's got style, I'll give him that much. Paige: Okay, this is getting too weird, we're getting outta here. Phoebe: Um, excuse me, sir. Did Cole Turner send you? (No answer.) Hello? I asked you a question. (The carriage door magically opens.) Paige: Okay, whatever happens you are not getting into that. (Phoebe's legs move towards the carriage.) Phoebe: Whoa! Paige: Phoebe, no! (Phoebe gets in the carriage. Paige tries to follow but a force blocks her and knocks her to the ground.) Phoebe: Looks like he want Cinderella to go to the ball alone just like in the story. (The carriage moves.) Paige: Hold on! (She stands up.) I'll orb you out. Phoebe: No. Go back to the manor. Paige: But what about you? Phoebe: Look, I'll call for Leo if I'm in danger, okay? [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper, Paige, Leo and Grams are there.] Paige: She's already in danger. We never should have split up. No offence, Mrs. Halliwell. Grams: Grams. And none taken. Piper: Yeah, well, if what we heard is true, then Phoebe could be in a lot more danger than we think. We all could. Leo: If somebody's using fairy tales for evil, it could rewrite them, corrupt them for every future generation. Paige: How? How can you rewrite them? They're already in print. Leo: Every copy is a manifestation of an original, an original that was entrusted to the Keeper of the fairy tales, long ago for protection. Piper: The Elders think something has happened to him, that somebody took over the fortress from the inside. Grams: An evil witch I might add. Paige: Why don't we just orb to this fortress and kick her butt? Leo: Because nobody knows where it is. It's location has been kept secret, even from the Elders. Paige: Where was their infinite wisdom on the day that was decided? Piper: The point is we have no way of finding her. Grams: Piper, I'm surprised at you. I mean, she's a witch isn't she? Just scry for her. Piper: Oh, right. Grams: Then after you find her, you lure her back here to us and we vanquish her with a potion. Paige: What potion? Grams: Oh, one that works wonders on evil witches. Come, I'll show you. Paige: Errr. Grams: Uh, maybe we could also work on your protection potion if we have time. (Grams picks up the Book Of Shadows. Paige nods and they leave the attic.) Leo: (to Piper) You alright? Piper: Shush, I need to concentrate. (She scrys for the witch.) [Cut to the castle. The Wicked Witch is watching Piper through the magic mirror. The image fades out and the apprentice shows up instead.] Apprentice: She'll find you and by midnight too. Wicked Witch: I want her to find me, (she cuts a piece of her hair off with scissors) part of me anyway. (She puts the hair into a red cloak.) Apprentice: Hair in the cloak? That's not in the Little Red Riding Hood tale. Wicked Witch: No, but luring them away from Grandmother's house is. So is the big bad wolf. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: St. Regis. The charity night is taking place. Men and women and waltzing in the centre of the room. Adam is chatting to some people. He looks around and then looks at his watch. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Excuse me, pardon me, comin' through. (Her feet stop and Adam goes over to her.) Adam: Phoebe, you came. I'm so glad. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I didn't really have much of a choice. Adam: You look fabulous. Phoebe: Thanks. Adam: I just hope you're not here with someone else. Phoebe: Oh, no, I am definitely not here with someone else, even if that someone else thinks I am. Adam: Sorry? (Phoebe sees Cole approaching them.) Phoebe: Oh. Well, speak of the devil. Cole: What are you doing here? Phoebe: As if you don't know. Cole: Actually I don't. Phoebe: Listen, Cole, these boots may be made for walking, but they're never walking back to you, buddy. Cole: Boots? Phoebe: You know what I mean. Cole: Am I up to something again? Adam: Listen, why don't we get a drink? Phoebe: Okay. Cole: Oh. You two here together? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, isn't that part of your master plan? Cole: There is no master plan. Phoebe: At least not one that'll work. Okay, you ready? Adam: Yes. (Phoebe and Adam start to walk away.) Cole: Phoebe, wait, listen. Adam: Why don't you back off, pal? (He grabs Cole and Cole twists his arm. It doesn't seem to hurt him.) Cole: Excuse me. Phoebe: Okay, you know what? Leave him alone, Cole. Let him go. (Cole lets go.) (to Adam) Are you okay? Adam: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. You ready? (They start to walk away.) Cole: Phoebe, I don't think you should... Phoebe: I don't care what you think. Just stay the hell away from me. (They walk away.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige and Grams are there making a potion. Grams is cutting up some mandrake root.] Grams: You must take care to cut the mandrake root to expose the meat, otherwise it doesn't do any good. And then you simply roll them in mustard seed, but not too heavily and then, (she throws it into a pot and the potion explodes) goodbye evil witch. Paige: Wow, I can't believe you did that without looking at the book once. Grams: Honey, I wrote the book. All the good potions anyway. Oh, would you be a dear and get me a vial? Paige: Oh, yeah, sure. (Paige goes over to a cupboard and pulls out a vial. The apple in the fruit bowl glows for a second. Paige notices and stares at it.) Grams: Paige, the vial. Paige: Um, sorry. Grams: You know, it's a good thing you quit your job. You catch on quickly and you have a real gift for the craft. Paige: How'd you know I quit my job? How'd you know I even had a job? Grams: Oh, I peek, I mean, you know, sometimes. Oh, but never during a private moment. Paige: Thanks. I guess. Grams: I mean, what choice do I have? Paige: Okay, no offence, Mrs. Halliwell... Grams: Grams. Paige: Okay, that's my point. I already had a Grams. One I really, really loved and yes, technically we're related and you're my grandmother too. I guess it just feels a little odd because I don't know you. Grams: I understand and I wouldn't dream of trying to replace someone as special to you as that. But isn't it possible that maybe there might be a little room left in your heart for me too? Someday. Paige: Well, at least I can see where I get my stubbornness from. (Grams chuckles.) I'd better get a couple of vials for Phoebe and Piper too. (Paige goes to the cupboard and the apple catches her attention again. She moves closer to it.) [Cut to the woods. It's dark. Piper and Leo are walking along a trail.] Leo: Grams? You don't need Grams to do the scrying. What's gotten into you? Piper: I don't know, I suddenly feel like I can't make any decisions at all. I feel like I'm ten years old again around her. Leo: Hey, what's this? (They find the red cloak hanging over a branch in a tree. Leo pulls it down.) Piper: Oh, let me guess. Little Red Riding Hood's? Wait, we're off the beaten path, aren't we? Oh, no, Grams. [Cut back to the manor. Kitchen. Grams is stirring the potion. Paige picks up the apple and takes a bite. Her hair turns long and black and her clothes change into a white robe.] Grams: Paige... (Paige falls to the floor.) Paige! (A wolf growls at Grams at the kitchen doorway. It runs towards Grams and leaps for her.) No! (We see the shadow on the wall of the wolf leaping above Grams. The wolf devours her from head to toe. The shadow of Grams then stands up. We see Grams and she picks her teeth. She looks down at Paige. Leo and Piper orb in. Piper's holding the cloak.) Piper: What happened? Grams: I'm afraid she's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Paige, Leo and Grams are there. Leo is trying to heal Paige. Piper is flipping through the Book Of Shadows. Grams is pacing through the kitchen, acting rather strange.] Piper: I know there's something in here somewhere about poison. Leo? (Leo looks at her.) No, we are not giving up. This is a stinkin' fairy tale. If Snow White can come back to life then Paige can too. Right, Grams? (Grams scratches her head as if she has fleas.) Grams: Uh, well, I wouldn't get my hopes up. Piper: What are you talking about? You're supposed to be the expert. There has got to be some way. Leo: What about a kiss? Piper: A kiss? Leo: It worked for Snow White. It's worth a shot. (Grams sniffs Piper and Piper gives her a look. Grams moves back.) Grams: A Kiss. Yes, by all means. (She grabs Piper's arm and pulls her.) Come, let's find her boyfriend. Piper: She doesn't have a boyfriend, remember? Grams: Right. Sorry. (She chuckles. Her stomach grumbles loudly.) My stomach is really upset. Piper: Wait, I got a spell. "Here our call, for those who fall, urge her to awaken, from this toxic taken." (Leo feels Paige's pulse.) Leo: Nothing. Piper: Grams, what do we do? (Grams shakes her head.) Leo: Focus on vanquishing the evil witch in hopes that it reverses the dark magic. It's our only hope. Piper: (to Grams) Did you finish the vanquishing potion? Grams: Um, no. Unfortunately, ugh, bad batch. (She picks up the pot of potion and tips it down the sink. The doorbell rings.) Oh, Leo, would you be a lamb and see who that is? (Leo Leaves the kitchen. Grams sneers at Piper behind her back. Grams moves away when Leo speaks.) Leo: (from foyer) Honey? Honey, you might wanna come look at this! (Piper leaves the kitchen.) [Cut to the foyer. Leo is at the door. Piper walks in.] Piper: What? What is it? (She notices seven dwarves standing on the porch.) Head Dwarf: Someone here eat a poison apple? [Scene: St Regis. Phoebe and Adam are dancing.] Adam: You know there's a fine line between love and hate. Phoebe: What? Adam: It's just I'm not sure if you're dancing with me or for Cole. To make him jealous, I mean. Phoebe: Oh, no, it's not like that at all. It's just very complicated. Adam: I see, I can always have him fired if that would help. Phoebe: Really? (Phoebe giggles.) Adam: Absolutely, just say the word. Phoebe: Word. Adam: Done. (Phoebe sees Leo across the room. He points.) You know, it's almost midnight. What do you say we get out of here? Phoebe: Uh, hold that thought. (Phoebe goes over to Leo. Adam starts to follow but Cole stops him.) Cole: I don't know what happened to you, but I do know evil when I see it. And you're it. Adam: I don't know what you're talking about. Cole: No, of course you don't. But if you try to hurt Phoebe I'll kill you. [Cut to Phoebe and Leo nearby.] Phoebe: She's dead? What do you mean she's dead? Leo: Don't worry the dwarves are all over it. Phoebe: The dwarves? Leo: Piper cast a spell that wound up summoning the descendants of the seven dwarves. Actually, they prefer to be called little people now. Phoebe: Snow White and the Little People. Leo: Look, the point is that they preserve the dead, it's what they do. At least it'll buy us time until we can vanquish the evil witch who's behind all this. Phoebe: Cole is behind all of this. Leo: Not according to the Elders he's not. Phoebe: Wh-? Leo: Look, even if he was responsible there's nothing more that you can do here. Piper needs you back home to try and save Paige. Phoebe: Okay. [Cut to the manor. Living room. Paige is lying in a glass case. The dwarves are standing around it, some cleaning the glass.] Head Dwarf: When's her prince getting here? Piper: She doesn't have a prince. Head Dwarf: No prince? Then who's gonna kiss her? Dwarf #2: I'll do it. Dwarf #3: In you're dreams, stinky. I'll do it. Dwarf #2: I told you not to call me that. Head Dwarf: People! A little professional decorum here please. (to Piper) Forgive them, it's been a while. Piper: Mm-hm. (Piper walks over to the stairs and picks up the Woodsman's axe.) Grams: Uh, um, sweetheart. (She goes over to Piper. She gets nervous when she sees the axe.) What are you doing with that? Piper: Well, I'm not gonna sit around and wait for the wolf to attack. Grams: Wolf? What wolf? Piper: From Little Red Riding Hood. This cloak is meant for me. (She points to the cloak hanging over the rail.) Grams: Oh, you don't believe that silly old story do you? Piper: Grams, you're the one that says fairy tales are based in truth. Grams: Well yes, but that one was made up to scare little kids. I mean after all, a little girl gets eaten in the end, what a downer. Piper: No, the Woodsman comes and cuts open the wolf's stomach and frees her and the grandmother. Grams: Well, that's not the popular version. Piper: Well it's in our version. Grams: Really? Show me. (Piper goes upstairs, carrying the axe. Grams grabs the cloak and follows.) Dwarf #2: You think she knows that's a wolf? Head Dwarf: Not our business. [Cut to the St Regis. Phoebe and Leo rush into a hallway. They turn a corner where there are no people.] Phoebe: Okay, let's orb. (Adam walks around the corner.) Adam: Phoebe. Where are you going? Who is this guy? Phoebe: This is my brother-in-law. Something's happened and I gotta get home. I'm really sorry, Adam. Adam: Then let me give you a ride. (Cole shows up.) Cole: Don't go anywhere with this guy. (Phoebe punches him in the face.) Phoebe: How could you have done this? Cole: Ah, done what? (Adam takes Phoebe's hand.) Adam: Come on. Leo: Phoebe, wait. (Adam and Phoebe walk away.) Cole: Leave her alone. Phoebe: (to Leo) Keep him away from me. (Leo stands in Cole's way.) Cole: Leo, he's evil. Leo: Really? And what are you? [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper and Grams are there. Piper is looking at the fairy tale book.] Piper: So, Red Riding Hood comes into the house and finds the wolf dressed as her Grandmother. As if she wouldn't see through that. Grams: Skip down. Piper: Okay, let's see. She says, "Grandmother, what big ears you have." Grams: The better to hear you with, my dear. (Grams sneaks behind Piper.) Piper: And then, uh, "what big eyes you have." Grams: The better to see you with, my dear. Piper: Yeah, yeah, and then, "what big teeth you have." Grams: The better to eat you with, my dear! (Piper turns to Grams and screams.) [Cut to outside St Regis. Phoebe and Adam walk outside. Leo follows. The clock is striking midnight. Leo grabs his stomach in pain.] Leo: Piper! (Leo orbs out. Phoebe and Adam stand on the sidewalk.) Phoebe: What are we doing out here? (The horse and carriage comes around the corner. Phoebe tries to run but Adam grabs onto her hand. She loses a glass slipper while struggling. The carriage pulls up in front of them and the door magically opens. Adam forces Phoebe into the carriage and shuts the door. The horse and carriage turn into a pumpkin.) [Cut to the castle. The Wicked Witch is watching through the mirror.] Wicked Witch: The end. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the St Regis. Adam picks up the glass slipper. He walks over to the pumpkin and picks it up. He raises it above his head. Cole walks out.] Cole: Put it down. (Adam turns around with the pumpkin still raised.) Gently. Adam: The can't. The witch'll kill me. Cole: So will I. You don't wanna hurt her. (Adam throws the pumpkin and Cole freezes it. He walks over and picks it up.) Oh, what am I gonna do with you? (He unfreezes Adam and punches him in the face.) Keep your hands off my pumpkin. [Cut to the manor. Attic. Leo and the wolf are there. The wolf is growling viciously at Leo. Leo is holding the axe.] Leo: Where's my wife? (The wolf barks.) Where's my wife?! (The wolf spots the fairy tale book and jumps for it.) No! (Suddenly, the wolf is blown into a million pieces and Piper and Grams fall out of the wolf. They land hard on the ground. Leo drops the axe and rushes over to them.) Piper. (They get up.) Are you okay? Piper: Yeah, I think so. Leo: How did you...? Grams: She blew him up from the inside. (She laughs.) Although it took her long enough. Piper: Ah, back off Grams. I just saved your ass. Grams: Ha! Leo: She's back. (Cole appears, holding the pumpkin.) Cole: Your sister, and, uh, I had nothing to do with this, I swear. Piper: Oh, my. Grams: What are we going to do now? Piper: Well, we do what we were gonna do in the first place. We find the witch who did this and vanquish her. Cole: Do you know how to find her? Piper: No. Leo: Wait a minute, I think I do. The wolf was trying to get into the book of fairy tales. Perhaps it's a portal of some sort. Although I don't know how we access it. Piper: Well, we can't. But maybe Little Red Riding Hood can. (She picks up the cloak.) I knew I was gonna have to put on this stupid thing sooner or later. (She puts it on. Grams hands her a vial of potion.) Grams: Don't forget the potion. Go on, show her who's the most powerful witch of all. (They smile. Piper touches the book and is sucked into it.) [Cut to the castle. The Wicked Witch seems a little worried.] Wicked Witch: Why won't you answer my question? Why won't you tell me what I want to hear? Apprentice: You know as well as I, that I cannot tell a lie. Wicked Witch: Damn it. Well then, if I'm not the most powerful witch in the land who is? (Piper appears.) Piper: Take a wild guess. Wicked Witch: You? That's not possible. The wolf ate you. I saw it! Piper: Yeah, well, I didn't agree with him. (She takes out the potion vial.) See if this agrees with you. (She throws the bottle at the witch.) Wicked Witch: No, I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm melting! (The Wicked Witch melts and disappears. The apprentice is freed from the mirror and then apple, axe and pumpkin appear on their stands. Piper takes off the cloak.) Apprentice: You saved me. Piper: Are you the Keeper? Apprentice: No, his Apprentice. Or... (He looks at the Keepers body on the floor.) At least I was. Piper: Oh, no. Wait, if he didn't come back to life does that mean my sisters won't either? Apprentice: No, no, they were victims of fairy tale magic so when you saved the fairy tales, you saved them too. (He looks over at the slipper stand.) A glass slipper is missing. Must mean that story hasn't found a happy ending yet. Piper: Oh, well, I guess this makes you the new Keeper. (She hands him the cloak.) Apprentice: I guess so. Piper: Any idea how I get the heck out of here? (He thinks and gets an idea. He walks over and picks up a pair of sparkly red shoes like on the Wizard Of Oz.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Paige, Leo and Grams are there.] Paige: Alright, can someone please tell me how I got in a coffin? Grams: You were dead, dear, but bright side, at least now we have something in common. Head Dwarf: You know, you really ought to get yourself a prince, in case this ever happens again. Paige: Uh, who are you? Head Dwarf: We'll send you the bill. Let's go men! Dwarf#2: Come on, guys, let's go. (The dwarves leave. Phoebe and Cole come down the stairs.) Phoebe: Paige! You're okay. (Phoebe hugs Paige.) Cole: Which means the witch is vanquished. So where's... (A swirl of light appears and Piper appears wearing the red the red shoes.) Leo: Piper. Piper: Is everybody okay? Grams: Well, thanks to you they are. Well, I suppose that means it's time for me to go. (to Leo) Mind giving me a lift? Piper: Well, why do you have to go at all? Grams: Because I don't belong here anymore. (She puts her arm around Piper.) See, you thought you needed me, but I was only here to remind you that you don't. Not even for her. Phoebe: Okay, but what about me? I feel like I didn't get to spend any time with you. (She puts her arms around Piper and Grams.) Grams: That's okay. I don't stay dead long. Phoebe: Good point. Grams: (to Paige) Well, do I at least get a hug goodbye? Paige: It was great to finally meet you. (She hugs Grams.) Grams. Grams: Be safe, my darlings. (Leo and Grams orb out. Paige heads for the stairs.) Piper: Where are you going? Paige: I need to catch up on my fairy tales. (Paige goes upstairs.) Piper: Uh, I guess I'm gonna catch up on some sleep. (Piper goes upstairs.) Phoebe: Okay, you want me to say it, don't you? I was wrong, okay, I'm sorry. I really am. Cole: It's not your fault. I lost your trust a long time ago I can't expect to earn it back overnight. Phoebe: I don't think I'm gonna trust anyone any time soon. Cole: Don't you mean Adam? He was just being used by the witch. He's a good guy. Phoebe: Really? I don't think I can even tell anymore. [Scene: St Regis. Everyone has gone. Adam picks up the glass slipper. Cole and Phoebe watch him from near by.] Phoebe: What are we doing here? Cole: Rebuilding your trust. You liked him when you first met him, right? Phoebe: Yeah. So? Cole: So, he's not under a spell. Why don't you see if your original instincts were right? Look, I don't want you to fall in love with him, Phoebe. But you need to realise he's not evil. Phoebe: Why are you doing this? Cole: Because unless you learn to trust yourself again, you'll never learn to trust me. (Phoebe walks over to Adam. Adam puts the slipper on a chair and they walk off. The slipper disappears. Cole walks out to the centre of the room.)
Plan: A: the Keeper of the Fairy Tales; Q: Who did the witch kill? A: her sights; Q: What does the wicked witch set on destroying Piper, Phoebe, and Paige? A: Phoebe; Q: Which sister falls victim to the glass slippers from Cinderella? A: Grams; Q: Who is the sister of Piper? A: Little Red Riding Hood; Q: What fairy tale is the Wolf from? A: the poison apple; Q: What did Paige fall victim to from Snow White? A: a way; Q: What do Cole and Leo find to vanquish the wicked witch? A: the sisters; Q: Who do Cole and Leo save? Summary: A wicked witch breaks free of the confines of the mirror after she kills the Keeper of the Fairy Tales and sets her sights on destroying Piper, Phoebe, and Paige. As a result, Piper and Grams fall victims to Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood, Phoebe to the glass slippers found in Cinderella, and Paige to the poison apple from Snow White. It takes Cole and Leo working together to find a way to vanquish the wicked witch, break the evil spell over the fairy tales, save the sisters, and set the fairy tales back to how they were originally written.
ROBOT By: Terrance Dicks First Air Date: 11 January 1975 Running time: 24:29 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Professor Kettlewell? Professor Kettlewell? Professor? ROBOT: You are the Doctor? DOCTOR: How do you do? I've been so looking forward to meeting you. ROBOT: Please confirm your identity. There must be no mistake. You are the Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, of course. ROBOT: You are an enemy of the human race. I must destroy you. Please do not resist. I do not wish to cause you unnecessary pain. DOCTOR: How very kind of you. Prime directive. What is your prime directive? ROBOT: I must serve humanity and never harm it. DOCTOR: Then you mustn't harm me. I'm a friend of humanity. ROBOT: No, you are an enemy. You must be destroyed. DOCTOR Mouths silently.: Extraordinary. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: No! No, you mustn't harm him! ROBOT: He is an enemy of humanity. SARAH: No, he isn't. He's a good man. A friend. ROBOT: You were at the laboratory. You were concerned for me. You felt sorrow. SARAH: That's right. And you refused to harm me even when you were ordered to. Those people are evil. They're lying to you. they've altered your programming to make you act all wrongly. ROBOT: I am confused. I do not understand. I feel pain. BENTON: Miss Smith, get down! SARAH: No! No, don't shoot! [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: He okay, miss? SARAH: Yes, yes, I think so. BENTON: We just couldn't stop it. SARAH: What did you have to start shooting for? He wouldn't have harmed you. BENTON: You could have fooled me. It was trying to kill the Doctor, wasn't it? SARAH: Yes, but that was because... Well, it doesn't matter. It wasn't your fault, I suppose. You did your best. BENTON: Thank you very much! The US Cavalry never got treated like this. SARAH: Listen. BENTON: It's in there. [SCENE_BREAK] KETTLEWELL: The robot came to find me last night. It was in terrible distress. They'd just forced it to commit another crime. SARAH: Yes. Yes, I know. KETTLEWELL: Altered his circuitry so as to overcome his prime directive. They succeeded, but at fearful cost. SARAH: He became unbalanced. KETTLEWELL: Yes. Then Miss Winters and Jellicoe came along while I was waiting for the Doctor. They programmed the robot to kill him. I protested, but... SARAH: Shh. Never mind, you're safe now. KETTLEWELL: You know, when I think of that robot's potential... I invented the metal he's made of, you know. I called it living metal. It actually has the capacity to grow like a living organism. SARAH: It's quite big enough for me now, thank you. KETTLEWELL: That's how I came to make my other discovery, you know. It's the metallic equivalent of a virus. It breaks down metal into easily recyclable form. You can see what that means, can't you? SARAH: Yes. KETTLEWELL: It means that we shall be able to get rid of all the metallic waste that pollutes this planet. BENTON: Professor? KETTLEWELL: Thank you. KETTLEWELL (OOV.): What's that doing there? SARAH: Oh, I went to see them. Rather unpleasant. KETTLEWELL: "Scientific Reform Society." Oh, yes. Just before I left the Thinktank, they persuaded me to join it. I remember I went along to one of their meetings once. KETTLEWELL (OOV.): Very odd bunch. Didn't go there again. SARAH: Well now, there's a meeting there tonight. Suppose you were to turn up, Professor, would they let you in? KETTLEWELL: Very probably. I think I've still got my membership card about me somewhere. SARAH: And if I came along too, plus my camera and tape recorder, you could smuggle me in and we could get the goods on them for the Brigadier. BENTON: Hang on, you two. SARAH: What do you say, Professor, shall we try it? Of course, it could be dangerous. KETTLEWELL: If there is anything I can do to help to defeat those people. BENTON: But the Brigadier will go spare, so will the Doctor. SARAH: Well, one's away and the other's asleep. BENTON: I'll go and wake the Doctor and see what he says. SARAH: Don't you dare. He had a nasty knock on the head and he needs to rest. BENTON: In that case, miss, it's just not on. I'm sorry. SARAH: Oh! Mr Benton, are we members of UNIT? BENTON: Well, no, of course not. SARAH: Are we under arrest? BENTON: No, miss. SARAH: Well, what we do and where we go is none of your business, is it? Come along, Professor. BENTON: Wouldn't it be best... SARAH: Just you go and Blanco your rifle or something. This way, Professor. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SHORT: Professor Kettlewell, how nice to see you again so soon. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: What the blazes were you thinking of, Mr Benton? You should never have let them go. BENTON: Well, maybe you could have stopped them, sir, but I couldn't. As the young lady pointed out, they're not under our jurisdiction. Excuse me, sir, but you did get permission to raid Thinktank? BRIGADIER: No, Mr Benton, I did not. DOCTOR: Then you must act without it. I know what they're up to now. Worked it all out while I was having my little nap. It's all tied up with the information stolen from that poor fellow Chambers. He must have been the guardian of some kind of ultimate threat. I don't know exactly what it is, just the kind of thing it has to be. Well, am I right? BRIGADIER: A few months ago, the superpowers, Russia, America and China, decided upon a plan to ensure peace. All three powers have hidden atomic missile sites. All three agreed to give details of those sites plus full operation instructions to another neutral country. In the event of trouble, that country could publish everyone's secrets and so cool things down. Naturally, the only country that could be trusted with such a role was Great Britain. DOCTOR: Naturally. The rest were all foreigners. BRIGADIER: Exactly. The destructor codes for firing these missiles were kept in Chambers' house in a special Dynastreem safe. The robot killed Chambers, blasted the safe open with a disintegrator gun and took the codes. BENTON: So what can they do with them now that they've got them? BRIGADIER: They could set off every atomic missile in the world, Mr Benton. DOCTOR: Yes, and start a nuclear holocaust that would turn this little planet of yours into a radioactive cinder suspended in space. BENTON: You mean... he could use the information to blackmail the world? Do things our way or we light the blue touch paper? DOCTOR: I'm afraid so. BRIGADIER: We think they've been using this Scientific Reform Society as a front, and I've just heard from Mr Benton here that Miss Smith and Professor Kettlewell have just gone off to try to get into one of their meetings. DOCTOR: Kettlewell? You let Sarah go off somewhere with Kettlewell? [SCENE_BREAK] KETTLEWELL: Miss Smith? Are you there? SARAH: How's it going, Professor? KETTLEWELL: All right, I think. They were a bit suspicious to start with, but I found somewhere for you to hide. SARAH: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: And as you know, my friends, tonight is a culmination of many years of work and planning. A brilliant and audacious scheme is about to come to its climax. You have all waited long and patiently during the years of scorn and ridicule. The days when we were laughed at as cranks. Well, now a new and better future is almost within our grasp. A future in which we, the elite, will rule as is our right! We owe it all to one man. The man whose unrivalled scientific genius has put us in the commanding position we now hold. Professor Kettlewell! He brings with him the symbol of our movement, the creature whose intelligence and power made him a fitting emblem for our scientific new order. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Where is that pass? It must be somewhere. Freedom to the city of Skaro. No. Pilot's licence for the Mars-Venus rocket run. Galactic passport. (To the GUARD.)Do you travel much? Honorary member of the Alpha Centaurian Table Tennis Club. Very tricky opponents, those chaps. Six arms and, of course, six bats. It really keeps you on your toes. I'll tell you what, I'll just pop outside and try something... Oh, dear. I'm terribly sorry. You just lie there and get some rest. I'll find help. And above all, don't worry. Everything's going to be all right. [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: With the aid of this robot, we shall seek out and destroy all those who try to harm us. ROBOT: Seek out and destroy. WINTERS: She's a spy! Deal with her! DOCTOR: Good evening, everyone. Now, please, stay calm. Everyone keep your seat. Now then, what can I do to entertain you till my friend the Brigadier arrives? A little song? A little dance perhaps? Not just a little dance? Anyone for cards? WINTERS: Don't just stand there, you idiots, get him! DOCTOR: Now for my next trick, I shall require the assistance of a member of the audience. Say, haven't we met somewhere before? Please, let me help you up. Pity. Any other sporting member of the audience? Tell me one thing, Professor Kettlewell. Why? KETTLEWELL: For years I have been trying to persuade people to stop spoiling this planet, Doctor. Now, with the help of my friends, I can make them. DOCTOR: Aren't you forgetting that in science, as in morality, the end never justifies the means? JELLICOE: What are we going to do with them? WINTERS: Kill them of course. KETTLEWELL: No, no... WINTERS: They're far too dangerous to us. KETTLEWELL: Couldn't we lock them up? And have them escape? It's too late to be squeamish, Professor. DOCTOR: You see what I mean, Professor? WINTERS: Take them away. BRIGADIER: Stay where you are! My men have this building surrounded. WINTERS: Where's the truck? JELLICOE: Still outside. WINTERS: Quick! BRIGADIER (OOV.): Stop! Stay where you are! KETTLEWELL (OOV.): Protect us! Protect us! [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Well, Doctor... DOCTOR: It had to be Kettlewell. Only he could have attempted to reprogram the robot to overcome its prime directive. BRIGADIER: Then all that business about being knocked on the head and pushed in the cupboard... DOCTOR: Faked. Faked to gain your confidence. And they still have the destructor codes and Sarah. And now they'll hide up somewhere and try their blackmail plan, I suppose. BRIGADIER: But how can they? If they start a nuclear war, they'll go up with the rest of us. DOCTOR: I rather imagine that has occurred to them. You better find them, Brigadier, and soon. BRIGADIER: I agree. But how? BENTON: Excuse me, sir, there's a call for you from Dr Sullivan. Linked through from HQ. BRIGADIER: Thank you. (On the phone.) Sullivan, are you still at Thinktank? Over. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Yes, sir, but I may not have much time. I've managed to give them the slip and I think they've forgotten about me. They seem to be pulling out, sir. The whole place is being evacuated. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Listen, Sullivan, this is urgent. Do you know where they're going? Do you have any idea at all? HARRY (OOV.): Well, sir, I heard somebody mention the bunker, but it seemed to be kind of a joke... BRIGADIER: Sullivan, are you still there? [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: We'll take him with us. He'll be a useful hostage. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: No good. Broken connection. DOCTOR: Or broken head if someone overheard him calling us. BRIGADIER: He said something about them going to a bunker. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Well, this is the place. An atomic shelter designed and built by the Thinktank people back in the Cold War days. DOCTOR: So if their bluff is called, they'll stay down there safe and sound and emerge to rule the survivors, if any. BENTON: You really think they're in there, sir? BRIGADIER: We'll soon find out. Right, Benton. BENTON: All out! [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: Activate the automatic defence system. KETTLEWELL: Shouldn't we talk to them first? WINTERS: We'll talk afterwards. First we must show them the strength of our position. WINTERS:Put her with the other one. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Down, Brigadier. Everyone get down! BENTON: Get back. BRIGADIER: Of all the cheek! They've got troops there. DOCTOR: I don't think so, Brigadier. Automated machine-gun nest, I fancy, activated by body heat when you get within range. DOCTOR: Shh! BENTON: That's not me, Doctor. Someone's trying to get through on our frequency. DOCTOR: Good man. [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON (OOV.): Greyhound leader receiving you. Over. WINTERS: Let me speak to the Brigadier. BRIGADIER (OOV.): Lethbridge Stewart. WINTERS: Brigadier, can you hear me? BRIGADIER (OOV.): Yes, Miss Winters, I hear you. Come out and give yourselves up, or we shall attack. WINTERS: We hold two of your friends as hostages. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: That will not deter me. I repeat, give yourselves up or we shall attack. [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: You'll never reach those doors alive, Brigadier. And even if you did, you'd never get through them. By now, the governments of the world will have received our demands. Unless they are agreed to in full, the destructor codes will be used. We have associates standing by all over the world. You have 30 minutes in which to surrender. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Mr Benton, take a party with grenades, find those machine-gun nests and knock them out. BENTON: Yes, sir. BRIGADIER: I'll show that wretched woman. [SCENE_BREAK] ROBOT: Do not move. If you attempt to escape, I must destroy you. HARRY: Oh, I say. (How gallant.) SARAH: James Bond! [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: That was the lot, sir. BRIGADIER: Right. Prepare to advance. DOCTOR: Just a moment, Brigadier. DOCTOR: Come along, then. BENTON: Okay, move. [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: Shall I get some explosives, sir? DOCTOR: Oh, no... BRIGADIER: Yes. DOCTOR: Must you? I really think we've had enough bangs and flashes for a bit, don't you? Hold on. Turns into a miniature sonic lance, you see? BRIGADIER: And what do you propose to do with that? DOCTOR: Cut out the lock for you. It shouldn't take long. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: They're getting through. It is impossible! WINTERS: Very well, we shall have to use the destructor codes. Show them we're not bluffing. KETTLEWELL: It'll take too long to set up the sequence. They'll be in here long before that. You said we'd have plenty of time. WINTERS: Then we must gain time. We shall have to use your metal friend, Professor. And this time, he'd better not let us down. (To JELLICOE.) Is the disintegrator gun ready? JELLICOE: Yes. WINTERS: Right. Then fit it and send him out. Come along, Professor. Start getting those destructor codes operational. Maybe they'll listen when the first few missiles are fired. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE (To the ROBOT.): Enemies of humanity are attacking us. You must take this gun and destroy them. SARAH: No! No, you mustn't! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Back, everybody back. BRIGADIER: They may be going to surrender. DOCTOR: I very much doubt it. Get you men back, Brigadier, if you don't want them killed. BRIGADIER: All right, back. Fall back. MAN: Fall back to the woods. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Well, I brought along something that will deal with it. DOCTOR: I very much doubt it, Brigadier. [SCENE_BREAK] ROBOT: Go! Go now, or I will destroy you all!
Plan: A: an SRS meeting; Q: What do Sarah and Kettlewell infiltrate to try and find out what Miss Winters is up to? A: a surprise; Q: What is in store for Sarah and Kettlewell when they infiltrate the SRS meeting? Summary: Sarah and Kettlewell infiltrate an SRS meeting to try and find out what Miss Winters is up to but there is a surprise in store.
(The scene opens at the Gilmores' weekly dinner.) RICHARD: Dinner was lovely, Emily. EMILY: Mira does make a perfect cassoulet. LORELAI: Who's Mira? EMILY: Our cook. LORELAI: I thought the cook was Heidi. EMILY: Oh, no, we let Heidi go months ago. She had a problem closing things -- the door, the refrigerator -- RICHARD: The liquor bottle. EMILY: Then it was Trina, then Sophia. RICHARD: Oh, I liked Sophia. EMILY: You did not. RICHARD: I didn't? EMILY: She was the one who sang. RICHARD: That's right -- terrible woman. EMILY: And after Sophia we had Anton. RICHARD: That's right. Anton was the one that I liked. LORELAI: I'm sorry, Dad, how do you mix up Anton and Sophia? RICHARD: What do you mean? LORELAI: Well, one is a man and one is a woman. RICHARD: And your point being? LORELAI: That one is a man and one is a woman. RICHARD: I have a lot to do in a day, Lorelai, I don't have time to keep up with a multitude of people that your mother employs. LORELAI: But one is a man and one is a woman. (The cook brings in a cake.) LORELAI: The dinner was so wonderful, Mira. SARAH: It's Sarah. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. (Sarah leaves.) LORELAI: Mom! Her name is Sarah! EMILY: I thought she said Mira. LORELAI: Ugh! RORY: Hey, Grandma, these plates are really pretty. EMILY: Thank you, Rory. They were your great-grandmother's. RICHARD: Lorelai the first. RORY: I thought Mom was the first. EMILY: Not in the name. LORELAI: No, but in so many other things I was a regular trailblazer. Just finishing your thought, Mom. RICHARD: Lorelai the first was my mother. She was an extremely accomplished equestrian, a distinguished patron of the arts, and she was also world-famous for her masquerade balls. She was quite a woman, my mother. EMILY: Yes she was. Mira, come cut the cake please. LORELAI: Yes, and why don't you bring Sarah out here with you? EMILY: So, Lorelai, how are things at that charming little inn of yours? LORELAI: Mm -- they're still charming and little. We're just crossing our fingers it doesn't assert itself and become rude and large. RORY: Mom's having a huge wedding there this week. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah, actually there's people coming from all over the country. EMILY: Well, isn't that nice? LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: Rory, how's Chilton? LORELAI: OK, done with me now. EMILY: I'm sorry, was there more to the story? LORELAI: Uh, Rory has to pick a team sport to play. RORY: It's a requirement. RICHARD: Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness. So says Plato and so say I. EMILY: What sport are you going to pick? RORY: I'm not sure. I'm not really the athletic type. LORELAI: I told her she should go out for the debating team. RORY: It's not a sport. LORELAI: It is the way the Gilmores play. EMILY: So, what are your choices? RORY: God, there's like a thousand of them: basketball, lacrosse, swimming, track, golf -- EMILY: Golf? RORY: Yeah. EMILY: Well your grandfather is a golf player. LORELAI: Oops. EMILY: He plays every week at the club. He could teach you to play like a pro. RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: Why, he could take you there on Sunday. It's perfect. RICHARD: It's not something you can teach in an afternoon. LORELAI: That's OK. Rory can pick something else. EMILY: Why should she pick something else? She needs to learn a sport and Richard can teach her a sport. (to Rory) You can use your mother's old golf clubs. They're upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential. LORELAI: OK, Mom, can I maybe talk to you for a minute? EMILY: We're having dessert. LORELAI: I know but I'd like to talk to you fast before the sugar sets in and makes me crazy. EMILY: You are the oddest person. LORELAI: Too easy. (Lorelai and Emily get up from the table and go into another room to talk.) EMILY: What is so important it can't wait for cake? LORELAI: Keep moving. EMILY: This is as far as I can go unless you'd like me to bore my way through the wall. LORELAI: Don't do this, Mom. EMILY: Do what? LORELAI: Force Rory and Dad to go golfing. EMILY: I'm not forcing anybody. LORELAI: Well you're manipulating the situation in a way that gives no one a way out. That's force. Look it up. EMILY: I'm just trying to help your daughter get an education. LORELAI: Thank you. She'll find another sport. EMILY: Why should she? LORELAI: Because she doesn't want to go and Dad doesn't want to take her. EMILY: Oh, your father doesn't know what he wants. He'd get his hair cut at the butcher if I let him. LORELAI: Let it go please. EMILY: Well, isn't this interesting? You're afraid. LORELAI: Of what? EMILY: That Rory will enjoy the club and have a good time without you. LORELAI: That's crazy. EMILY: I agree. LORELAI: I'm not afraid. EMILY: Then let her go. LORELAI: She won't enjoy it, Mom. EMILY: Well why don't you just let Rory decide? LORELAI: Because Rory is the sweetest kid in the whole world and she won't tell you that she doesn't want to go becasue she's too afraid of hurting your feelings. EMILY: Oh I'm sure you can give her some coaching to help her get over that. LORELAI: I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, Mom. Believe it or not, this is not about you. EMILY: Of course it's about me. If Rory goes and has a good time without you, then I win. LORELAI: OK, Bob Barker. Listen, Rory knocks herself out all week at Chilton. Weekends are the only time she has to unwind and have fun. EMILY: With you? LORELAI: I'm there. EMILY: So let me get this straight. There's no way that Rory can possibly enjoy a weekend day with her grandfather. LORELAI: You're just going to twist it all around, aren't you? EMILY: And you know your daughter so well that you don't even have to ask her opinion on this. She'd be miserable and you know it. LORELAI: I am so setting myself up here, but yes, she would be miserable. EMILY: That sounds a little controlling to me. LORELAI: Yeah I walked right into that. EMILY: Interesting, isn't it, you being the one who's controlling? LORELAI: I am not being -- EMILY: According to you I was the only one in the family with that particular gift. LORELAI: Mom I never said that! EMILY: I guess you and I are more alike that you thought, aren't we? LORELAI: You win. (Later, Lorelai and Rory are leaving for home.) LORELAI: (sighs) Oh, man, did you get blindsided? I'm so sorry. RORY: That's OK. LORELAI: I tried to stop it, I swear. RORY: I know. Maybe it won't be that bad. LORELAI: Maybe it won't. RORY: Maybe I'll like it. LORELAI: Maybe you will. RORY: Maybe you could come with me. LORELAI: Oh, is there a "you're crazy" team? 'Cause I think they'd make you captain. RORY: Please? LORELAI: Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you. But I'd rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you. RORY: I got it. LORELAI: Don't stop me, I'm on a roll. I'd rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh, I'd rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you. RORY: Would you like me to drive so you can continue your diatribe? LORELAI: Would ya? Thanks. I'd rather cut off my head and use it as a punch bowl than go to the club with you. (Cut to the inn. Lorelai escorts the brides, Jackie and Jessica, and their mother around the grounds.) LORELAI: You'll walk down here over the bridge with the swans floating by and the music playing -- JACKIE: What are they doing with those purple flowers? LORELAI: Just decorating the bridge. JACKIE: I didn't want purple flowers. I wanted pink. JESSICA: And I wanted blue. LORELAI: So I thought violet would be a nice compromise. JACKIE: But we paid for pink flowers. JESSICA: And blue flowers. MRS. SHALES: You did not pay for anything. I told her to decorate with violet flowers and while it's very nice of her to try to take the heat for me it's certainly not necessary. If you don't like it, buy your own flowers. (silence) Yes, I thought so. Now go away. My Advil is wearing off. (The twins walk away.) MRS. SHALES: Their father spoiled them. LORELAI: Oh, they're just excited. MRS. SHALES: They're spoiled. And they won't move away. MRS. SHALES: Now, disaster list. What if it rains? LORELAI: We'll put up tents. MRS. SHALES: What if it's too windy? LOREAI: Well, then we'll secure everything and put extra hair spray in everybody's hair. MRS. SHALES: Too hot? LORELAI: We'll use umbrellas and fans that won't cause any damage because of the things that have been secured and the hair that has been sprayed. MRS. SHALES: So I have nothing to worry about. LORELAI: Nope. MRS. SHALES: Well there must be something. LORELAI: Listen, I have everything under control. Why don't you go up to your room and have a fabulous bubble bath and I'll send up some wine and a masseuse who bears a remarkable resemblance to Antonio Banderas. MRS. SHALES: How remarkable? LORELAI: Get ready to applaud. MRS. SHALES: This is my favorite place in the whole world. (Inside the inn Michel is handling gift baskets.) LORELAI: (to an employee) Could you send Maury up to room twelve in about twenty minutes? Thanks. (to Michel) So, any problems? MICHEL: With the wedding or my life? LORELAI: One guess -- and I'll give you a hint: it's not your life. MICHEL: Do you stage these events to torture me? LORELAI: Yes. MICHEL: Job well done. LORELAI: OK, let's start again. Any problems? MICHEL: Guests are checked in, baskets are given out, and 200,000 tons of Jordan almonds have been delivered. LORELAI: OK, good. Did Rory call? MICHEL: No. LORELAI: Hmm. She's golfing all day with my father and I'm half expecting this big "save me" call to come in -- you don't care at all do you? MICHEL: To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon. LORELAI: OK, forget it. So, have the grooms arrived? Their plane was supposed to get in a 7 so I'm surprised they're not here by now. MICHEL: Well maybe they made a run for it. LORELAI: Ooh, somebody got stood up at the prom. MICHEL: Oh. Dear. LORELAI: What? (Male twins have just walked in the front door.) MICHEL: Are those -- ? LORELAI: No. It would be too -- (The brides rush into the grooms' arms.) LORELAI: -- weird. MICHEL: You kept this from me on purpose. LORELAI: It's like a really snooty Doublemint commercial. MICHEL: Just let me know when the midgets and clowns arrive. (Michel tries to leave.) LORELAI: Oh, no, no, no. You have to get them all settled in. MICHEL: I'm not talking to them. LORELAI: Yes you are. MICHEL: Well I'm not talking to them nicely. (Cut to Emily and Richard's house.) RICHARD: It's after 8:00. She should be here already. EMILY: She'll be here. RICHARD: You're supposed to tee off at your designated time. EMILY: You pay good money to that place. You'll tee off when you tee off. Is that what you're wearing? RICHARD: Yes. EMILY: Hmm. RICHARD: What's wrong with what I'm wearing? EMILY: Nothing. It's fine. RICHARD: This whole thing is absurd. EMILY: She's your granddaughter. RICHARD: She's a sixteen year old who would rather be at the mall. EMILY: Make sure you show her all around the club, especially the rose garden. RICHARD: I am not a guide. EMILY: And make sure you take her to lunch and have her get dessert. RICHARD: No one said anything about lunch. EMILY: I hope Lorelai's clubs are still in good shape. RICHARD: Emily you are not listening to me. I will teach her to play golf, as promised by you, but lunch is out of the question. EMILY: You have to eat. RICHARD: Yes, but -- EMILY: So you'll eat together. Do you ahve sunscreen? (The doorbell rings.) RICHARD: Emily. (The doorbell rings again.) EMILY: She's here. RICHARD: Ah, 8:30. We must remember to buy her a watch. EMILY: Richard, so help me God, you will be sweet to this girl and make this a memorable day for her. This is the first time we've gotten to show our granddaughter off at the club and it means a great deal to my happiness -- and yours -- that this day go well. Are we clear? (Silence. Emily opens the door.) EMILY: Rory, hello. RORY: Sorry I'm late. EMILY: Nonsense. You're right on time. RORY: Hi, Grandpa. RICHARD: Rory, nice to see you. EMILY: This is a perfect day for golfing, isn't it Richard? RICHARD: It was cooler at 8. RORY: Am I dressed OK? I didn't have any of those short pant things. EMILY: Well, actually there is something missing. Oh, wait a minute... (She puts a hat on Rory's head.) EMILY Here you go. Now you look just like Tiger Woods. RORY: Wow, that's some hat. EMILY OK, off you go, you two. Have a wonderful time. RORY: We will. RICHARD: You bet. (Cut to Richard and Rory walking along the golf course.) RORY: Is it hard to become a member here? RICHARD: Everyone has to go through a thorough screening process. RORY: Kind of like the FBI? RICHARD: We're much more thorough than that. RORY: Wow. RICHARD: Yes. Did you know the merger of Forscape and D.S.S. RORY: Really. RICHARD: International finance will never be the same and all because of a lost golfing bet. RORY: That's crazy. RICHARD: Well that's high finance. Well, here we are. Now, what do you know about golf? RORY: That it's a good walk spoiled? RICHARD: (sighs) Well, your driver is the most powerful club in your bag, and as such, it can be your most valuable asset or your greatest liability. To wield it properly requires a precise combination of confidence and humility. RORY: Confidence and humility. Got it. RICHARD: There you are. That's a pretty good natural grip. Now, line the toe of your left foot up with the ball. That's right. Now, drop this shoulder a little bit. Now, keeping your left arm firm, draw the club back, swing it cleanly through the ball. (Rory takes a swing and hits the grass.) RORY: I'm betting that was wrong. RICHARD: (wearily) There are no rights and wrongs to the learning process. Try that again. (Rory does the same thing.) RORY: I'm betting that was wrong. (Cut to the kitchen at the inn.) SOOKIE: These are blueberries. I think ordered strawberries. JACKSON: I know but -- SOOKIE: Yeah, no, I did. I wrote it down. I got a copy. (reading) Yeah, mushrooms, melon, endive, peaches, kiwi. JACKSON: Excuse me, crazy lady -- SOOKIE: Oh I should make some kiwi ice cream. That would be good sometime. JACKSON: Sookie! SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: Listen. I know you ordered strawberries but they weren't any good so instead of selling you sub-standard strawberries, I brought blueberries. SOOKIE: I've got to make strawberry shortcake for 200 people. I think I'm gonna need strawberries. JACKSON: Use the blueberries. SOOKIE: To make what? JACKSON: Blueberry shortcake. SOOKIE: There's no such thing. JACKSON: Hey, the world was flat until someone took a boat trip. SOOKIE: Can I see these strawberries? JACKSON: No. SOOKIE: Just one? JACKSON: No. SOOKIE: How about a Polaroid? JACKSON: No. LORELAI: Coffee, coffee, coffee. Ooh, Sookie, can I take some of this cake home to Rory? She's going to need a special treat tonight. She's spending the entire day with my father golfing at the club. SOOKIE: No. JACKSON: Take the blueberries! SOOKIE: No. JACKSON: Ugh. LORELAI: Golfing was masterminded by my mother, of course. One minute we're having an excrutiating family dinner and the next she's manipulating my kid into spending her Sunday with my father at the country club. Oh, I can't talk about it anymore. It's making me too upset. Tell me something happy. (Sookie is about to cry.) SOOKIE: I can't make the strawberry shortcake. LORELAI: Wow. You suck at this game. MICHEL: The battle for soup versus salad is waging in the other room. Come quick and settle it, please, as I'm running out of French curse words that they won't understand. (Lorelai and Michel go into the lobby where the twin brides are in each others' faces arguing between soup and salad.) JESSICA: Soup -- JACKIE: Salad...why are you making such a scene, Jessica? Jessica you are making a -- (Mrs. Shales walks over to Lorelai and Michel.) MRS. SHALES: It's been 45 minutes of soup or salad. Soup or salad -- I can't do it anymore. Get me a cab. I'm going to go far away now and never come back. LORELAI: How about if the guests get a choice of soup or salad? MRS. SHALES: That -- that will work. LORELAI: Choice of soup or salad. SOOKIE: Got it. (The grooms join the brides.) LORELAI: It's so weird. SOOKIE: Which one is which? LORELAI: I don't know. I think the one on the right is Matt. MICHEL: No, the one on the left is Matt. The one on the right is Mark. LORELAI: That's very impressive. MICHEL: Yes, well, I'm very good at observing people, you know, learning the tics and traits, sound of their voices. It's a gift. SOOKIE: That one has a Post-It on its back. MICHEL: Oh, well, then that's Mark. The one on the right is Matt. LORELAI: You will go and take that off of him. MICHE: I will not. We can't all just call everyone 'sweetie' and get away with it. SOOKIE: Now, go with me, here. Let's say Mark walks into a hotel room and he sees his wife naked, but it's not his wife, it's his naked sister-in-law, and he has s*x with her. Would that be cheating? MICHEL: My head hurts. LORELAI: (laughing) I think no. SOOKIE: Really? Lucky. MICHEL: If you ask me this union belongs on a public access station. It's against the laws of nature and just this short of completely obscene. LORELAI: Oh, you won't be giving the wedding toast. (Lorelai is walking Mrs. Shales to the door.) LORELAI: How did everything work out? MRS. SHALES: Do you have children? LORELAI: A daughter. MRS. SHALES: Do you hate her? LORELAI: No. MRS. SHALES: Not ever? LORELAI: Well I wasn't wildly fond of her during labor. MRS. SHALES: That was the high point for me. (Cut to Rory and Richard walking on the golf course.) RORY: I can't believe I hit the ball! RICHARD: Well it was quite impressive. RORY: It landed in the water. RICHARD: Yes, but the splash was quite impressive. RORY: This place is so beautiful. I could see just coming here to think or read. But that probably defeats the purpose of the holes with the flag thing. RICHARD: There is something rather serene about walking around here. RORY: Do you come here every week? RICHARD: No. When I can. I'm often working on the weekends. RORY: Bummer. RICHARD: Isn't it. (Men in a golf cart pass by.) MAN: Hi Richard. RICHARD: Hello. RORY: Can I ask you a question? RICHARD: Go ahead. RORY: What do you do? RICHARD: I'm the executive vice-president of the Gehrman-Driscoll Insurance Corporation. RORY: Wow. RICHARD: Yes. RORY: And as executive vice-president, what do you do? RICHARD: Well, it's a very big company -- one of the largest in the United States as a matter of fact -- I have a myriad of duties which would bore you greatly to hear about. RORY: Oh, OK. RICHARD: I oversee our international division. RORY: That sounds important. RICHARD: Well, it rates a parking spot. RORY: Do you get to travel a lot? RICHARD: Quite a bit. RORY: Lucky. RICHARD: I suspect you have a yen for travelling. RORY: I'm up to my ears in yens. RICHARD: Any particular place you'd like to go? RORY: Hundreds of places. Paris, Rome, London, Prague, Istanbul, Fez -- Have you ever been to Fez? RICHARD: I can't say that I have. RORY: I want to go to Fez. RICHARD: I think travelling for a young girl is a very important thing. Your mother never got a chance to travel much. RORY: I know. She talks about that all the time. RICHARD: She does? RORY: We've got a deal. When I graduate from high school we're going to go backpacking through Europe together. You know, do the whole hostel thing. I just hope it really happens. RICHARD: Well we'll just have to make sure that it does. (A golf cart pulls up beside them.) GLORIA: Richard! RICHARD: Gloria! You look wonderful. GLORIA: Aren't you sweet? Is Emily here? RICHARD: No, I'm taking my granddaughter for a round of golf. GLORIA: Well, we must get together. RICHARD: Absolutely. (Gloria pulls away.) RICHARD: The most odious woman alive. (Time lapse.) RICHARD: Now, we'll meet back here in forty minutes? RORY: OK. RICHARD: And then, if you like, we can get some lunch. RORY: That would be great. RICHARD: Fine. RORY: Cool. RICHARD: Yes. (Cut to the men's steam room.) MAN #1: And I'm telling him I've been coming here for twenty years my young friend, and for twenty years that cart, number 43, has been my golf cart. MAN #2: He should have known that. MAN #1: Everybody knows that. MAN #3: Did he give you the cart? MAN #1: Damn right he gave me the cart. MAN #2: You should have never had to ask because he should have known that. RICHARD: Hello, gentlemen. MAN #1: Richard, good to see you. RICHARD: Heard about your golf cart. Too bad. MAN #1: Yeah, well, I'm still angry about it. RICHARD: Well, yes. MAN #3: Richard, who was that young lady I saw you on the golf course with? RICHARD: That is my granddaughter. MAN #2: Really? She's lovely. MAN: #1: Lorelai's girl. RICHARD: Mmm-hmm. MAN #3: You're lucky. My granddaughter looks like she just fell off a potato truck. MAN #2: My granddaughter would never be caught here. Might get in the way of the time spent at the tattoo parlor or getting something pierced or doing whatever she does while she runs wild through the streets like a rabid dog. MAN #1: Cut her off! That would get her attention! MAN #3: I can help you with the litigation. RICHARD: Actually, Rory just started Chilton. MAN #2: (impressed) Really? MAN #1: Damn fine school. RICHARD: Said she wanted to learn golf. I think she's taken to it quite well. MAN #1: Yeah, well, just as long as isn't taken with a certain golf cart. MAN #2: I'm writing a letter to the board. MAN #1: I wish you would. If they would take -- (The men go back to their golf cart discussion. Cut to the women's steam room. Rory listens to the gossip.) WOMAN #1: And you know she took the house. WOMAN #2: She deserved it -- putting up with that tramp all those years. WOMAN #1: Last year, Christmas, he bough them both the same bracelet. WOMAN #2: She should have just shot him like his first wife did. WOMAN #1: Oh I love Janie. Is she out yet? (Gloria enters.) GLORIA: Nanette, Peg. WOMAN #1: Gloria, hi. Good game? GLORIA: Not bad, you? WOMAN #1: Oh, I just came for the steam. We must get together and play sometime soon. GLORIA: Next week? WOMAN #1: I'll call you. (Gloria moves to a different area.) WOMAN #1: (whispering) The most odious woman alive. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the inn. The staff is still decorating for the wedding.) LORELAI: OK, I need more tulle here. I need the feeling of a major tutu, OK? Oh, uh, hey, Gary, Gary! The ribbons go on the chairs, OK, not on the trees. Oh, great! (Lorelai hears swans and goes down to meet the truck.) LORELAI: Hey! SWAN GUY: Where do you want the swans? LORELAI: Well do you know where the pond is? SWAN GUY: Nope. LORELAI: You know that little road you came up? SWAN GUY: Nope. LORELAI: OK. Do you know how to say 'big help' in Chinese? SWAN GUY: Nope. LORELAI: Michel! (to Swan Guy) This is twenty swans? SWAN GUY: Sure. Why not? MICHEL: You screeched? LORELAI: Yeah. I need you to show this guy where to put the swans. MICHEL: Absolutely not. LORELAI: Well I can't leave, OK? I've got a major tulle festival going on out here. MICHEL: I will never go near those filthy birds. LORELAI: Why? MICHEL: I hate the swans. LORELAI: These particular swans? MICHEL: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that. LORELAI: (laughing) Oh no -- not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery 'N Sync kind of fiasco? MICHEL: This is not funny. LORELAI: No, I'm sorry, it's not. It's not funny at all. (The swans honk and Michel jumps.) LORELAI: (laughing) Oh my God! Come on, you have to admit, that's a little funny. DRELLA: Hey, Pepe le Pew, you wanna give me a hand with this? MICHEL: No. LORELAI: Listen, it's Drella or the swans. MICHEL: So either one beast of terror or another? DRELLA: What the hell is he babbling about? MICHEL: (quietly, to Lorelai) Don't -- LORELAI: He's afraid of the swans. MICHEL: (quietly) Thank you. DRELLA: Of course he is. He's French. LORELAI: Mmm. MICHEL: (to Swan Guy) OK, I'll take you to the pond. LORELAI: Thank you. MICHEL: But stay far away from me. (Drella watches as Michel leads Swan Guy away.) DRELLA: Can't stand the talk -- love to watch the walk. (Cut to the dining room at the country club.) RORY: She caught him in the pool house with the tennis pro, not the riding instructor. RICHARD: I had no idea. RORY: That committee of yours is not looking at people as much as you think. RICHARD: Why would they? From what you've told me they're all involved in one nefarious activity after another. RORY: It's a conspiracy. RICHARD: It's Peyton Place. Is there more? RORY: Can you handle it? RICHARD: I'll steel myself. RORY: OK, Mr. Neville likes all things frilly. RICHARD: Good God. He's my broker. RORY: I don't think one will affect the other. (Man #1 and Man #2 or 3 approach the table.) MAN #1: Mind if we barge in? RICHARD: Look who's here. Ah, Rory, this is Julian Johnson (MAN #1) and Edward James (MAN #2 or 3) EDWARD: Call me "Ed". JULIAN: You can call me "Ed" too. (The two men laugh.) RORY: It's nice to meet you. RICHARD: Would you like to join us? EDWARD: If Rory doesn't mind us intruding on her time with her grandfather. RORY: No, that's fine. JULIAN: Oh that's good. So, we hear you're attending Chilton. RORY: I just started. JULIAN: That's a hard school. RORY: Yes sir. RICHARD: Rory is an excellent student. JULIAN: Really? RICHARD: 4.0 grade point average. JULIAN: Whoa! That's got me beat. (Edward and Julian laugh.) RICHARD: She's going to Fez someday. JULIAN: Fez? What the hell is in Fez? RICHARD: That's for her to find out. (Cut to Luke's. Rory is waiting for Luke.) LUKE: Interesting hat. RORY: I went golfing with my grandfather today. LUKE: Did you know that golf courses are an environmental blight because of the chemicals they use to keep the grass green? RORY: Actually I did. (silence) Bad joke, sorry. (Luke walks away just before Lorelai comes in the door.) LORELAI: My God -- this day. The swans, the tulle, my head...Luke, I need the largest cheeseburger in the world. Let's break a record here, mister. (to Rory) So, the wedding is a nightmare. We got these ten boxes of creepy larvae that are supposed to swarm into beautiful butterflies on the wedding day. They swarmed a little early! What's with the hat? RORY: Grandma gave it to me. LORELAI: Oh, now, that's just mean. RORY: It's not that bad. LORELAI: Do you want a mirror? (Rory takes off the hat.) LORELAI: So, Rory's golfing adventure. Tell me! RORY: It was fine. LORELAI: Oh, honey, I brought you some of Sookie's chocolate cake to make you feel better. RORY: It really wasnt't that bad. LORELAI: You are the sweetest kid in the whole world. Where on earth did you get that from? Luke, am I mistaken or did that sign on the door say "open"? (to Rory) So, where were we? RORY: Me golfing. LORELAI: Right -- go. RORY: OK, well, uh, by the end of the day I could even hit the ball. Sometimes it wasn't my ball but the intentions were good. LORELAI: Well good intentions and no physical exertion whatsoever is what the game of golf was built on. So, um, did you order? RORY: I'm not hungry. I had a big lunch at the club. LUKE: With all the other devastators of our land. LORELAI: You had a big lunch at the club? RORY: Yes, it was quite good. LORELAI: Quite? What's with the quite? RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: You don't ever say quite. RORY: I've said quite plenty of times. LORELAI: Whatever. So besides the "quite good" lunch you had, what else happened? RORY: Nothing. We played, I met his friends, I took a steam. LORELAI: You took a steam? RORY: Yeah. I sweated out all my toxins and I stole a towel. LORELAI: Wow! Sounds like you really had a good time. RORY: I did. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Really. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Really. LORELAI: Really. RORY: OK, new word now. LORELAI: Sorry -- I just -- I'm surprised. I thought you were gonna be bored. RORY: I was kind of surprised too. I don't know -- it was pretty there and Grandpa and I talked a lot. LORELAI: You talked? Really? RORY: You're doing it again. LORELAI: Sorry. You talked? RORY: We talked about Fez. LORELAI: And he thought it was a hat. RORY: I told him about our backpacking trip. He thought it was a great idea. LORELAI: Wow. So you really had fun. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: That's great. (Luke serves Lorelai's cheeseburger.) LORELAI: That is really, really great. LUKE: I thought you were starving. LORELAI: Things change. Move on. RORY: Does this hat really look bad on me? (Rory puts the hat back on.) LORELAI: No. I think it looks kind of cute. (Cut to the lawn at the inn. Miss Patty is teaching the twin couples to dance.) MISS PATTY: It's your wedding day. Feel each other. Use the thumping of your heart as a metronome. Let passion be your coreographer. Be as light on your toes as you are in your hearts. No, no, no, no darling. Let me show you. (Miss Patty pulls one couple apart and begins dancing with the groom.) MISS PATTY: You know, in some countries if you dance this close you're cheating on your wife. MATT (or MARK): You're next. MARK (or MATT): Take your time. (Lorelai goes inside the inn to where Rory is working. The phone is ringing.) LORELAI: Hey. Oh my God, you have good handwriting. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You did not get that from me. You got your fabulous flair from me. RORY: I also got my deviated septum from you. LORELAI: Hey, focus on the flair. MICHEL: It's for you. He says he's your father although why he'd volunteer that freely, I do not know. LORELAI: My father? MICHEL: Yes. LORELAI: Are you sure? MICHEL: Please just take the phone. LORELAI: (takes phone) Dad? (pause) Yeah it's Lorelai -- who else calls you "Dad"? (pause) Yeah she's right here. Hold on. (to Rory) It's for you. RORY: Thanks. (takes phone) Hello? (pause) Hey Grandpa... (Lorelai watches as Rory moves away.) RORY: That's great. (Mrs. Shales and Drella come into the room.) MRS. SHALES: Jackie wants Samuel Barber, John Cage, and Philip Glass and Jessica wants Shania Twain's "I Feel Like a Woman." DRELLA: I'm not a jukebox. MRS. SHALES: Oh please. DRELLA: Hey, you think I started playing the harp 'cause I thought it would make me cool? You know, finally get me in with the in-crowd? Maybe I'd make for some great happy hour conversation. No, alright. The music drives me, lady. I will play what I feel and you will love it. MRS. SHALES: I'll give you an extra $100. DRELLA: You just got yourself a jukebox. (They walk away. Lorelai is still watching Rory talk on the phone.) RORY: Yeah, yeah, I'd love to see it. (pause) No, if you want to. (pause) Sure. That sounds good. (pause) Yeah. (Cut to Lorelai's house. She and Rory are sitting outside. Rory is looking in a handheld mirror while Lorelai reads.) LORELAI: Should I leave you two alone? RORY: I think I want to change my hair. LORELAI: Really? I think it looks quite good. RORY: You're funny. Do you want something to drink? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, water. (Rory goes inside.) LORELAI: So you talk to Grandpa today? RORY: What? LORELAI: Grandpa -- he called? RORY: Yep. LORELAI: Anything wrong? (Rory returns to the porch.) RORY: No. He just found this book we were talking about. LORELAI: Oh. And he just called to tell you? RORY: Yeah, why? LORELAI: Nothing. It's just weird. He doesn't call the inn that much. Or ever, actually. RORY: Well he knew that I was looking for it, so -- LORELAI: Oh, sure. What book was it? RORY: Mencken's "Chrestomathy" LORELAI: Oh, that one. RORY: Yeah. (Babette comes running up on the porch.) BABETTE: Hey! Cinnamon is stuck under the front porch again. Can I borrow some vegetable oil and a shoehorn? RORY: I'll get it. (leaves) BABETTE: I'm callin' him and I'm callin' him and I go around the porch and this big orange tush is just starin' me in the face. LORELAI: I hate when that happens. BABETTE: Yeah. He must've been meowin' for an hour but Morey was playing some Thelonious on the Steinway and when Morey plays I go into this trance where all I can see is blue and moon and stars -- (They hear a loud angry meow.) MOREY: He's out Babs! BABETTE: Oh! Never mind, Sugar. (calls to Morey) Play me home, baby! (Piano music starts. Babette gets up to go home.) LORELAI: Bye. BABETTE: Oh God! It's killing me! (Rory comes back out with vegetable oil.) RORY: Babette didn't take her oil. LORELAI: Oh, keep it. Christmas is early this year. So you know what I was thinking? RORY: That Madonna and Sean Penn should get remarried? LORELAI: Besides that. I was thinking that your golfing expedition should totally count as a dinner. RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: I mean I think I can get us out of dinner at the grandparents' on Friday. Maybe we could grab a movie. RORY: Oh, well, that's OK. LORELAI: It's no big deal, really. RORY: No. It's just gonna get Grandma all freaked out. LORELAI: Yeah but I can handle those freakouts. I've done that. RORY: You know, I have to get the book from Grandpa anyway. Let's just go. LORELAI: Oh. All right. If you really want to. RORY: I do. LORELAI: OK, fine. Is that my sweater? RORY: What? LORELAI: You're wearing my sweater. RORY: So? LORELAI: No, it's OK. It's just I thought I asked you to at least ask, you know, before you borrow my stuff. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: It's OK. It's just not too much for a simple "Can I borrow it, Mom?" is it? RORY: No, it's not. Jeez, lighten up. LORELAI: It's my favorite sweater too. RORY: Since when? LORELAI: Since always. RORY: This is not your favorite sweater. LORELAI: Yes it is and now it's going to be all stretched out just like everything else you borrow. RORY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out. RORY: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine. LORELAI: That is not true. RORY: Yes it is. LORELAI: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine! RORY: You're crazy! LORELAI: Do you want to measure? RORY: What? LORELAI: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now? RORY: I am not going to measure my boobs. LORELAI: Because you know that you are totally bigger. RORY: I'm going inside. LORELAI: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras. RORY:Stop it! LORELAI: I'll stop when you quit stealing my stuff. RORY: You're cracked! LORELAI: You're...bigger. (Rory takes her books and slams the door as she goes inside.) (Cut to Lorelai and Sookie walking down the street.) LORELAI: "Your boobs are bigger than mine"? I'm a mental case. SOOKIE: So apologize. LORELAI: I was too mad and stupid to apologize last night and she was gone before I got up this morning. What is wrong with me? SOOKIE: You're very possessive of your sweaters. LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: No, I understand. I'm the same way. If somebody breathes too hard on my paring knife I'm like a crazy spider monkey. LORELAI: It's not about the sweater. It's about the golfing thing and the liking it thing. She had fun, Sookie. Just like my mother said she would. SOOKIE: Yeah, that's got to hurt. LORELAI: She should have fun. I mean, I want her to have a good relationship with her grandparents. Just because I don't doesn't mean she shouldn't, right? SOOKIE: Right. LORELAI: Right. So then why was I trying to get her out of Friday night dinner? I mean, what am I trying to do -- undermine their relationship? SOOKIE: No you weren't. LORELAI: Yes I was. SOOKIE: Yes you were. LORELAI: Yes! I'm four years old! SOOKIE: You're jealous. LORELAI: Oh I'm not jealous. SOOKIE: Yeah, you are. You're jealous 'cause they like Rory better than you. LORELAI: Oh thank you for the hug. SOOKIE: See, I'm bad at advice talks. Could we talk about soup? 'Cause I'm good with soup. LORELAI: Oh I'm sorry. You're fine. I'm all mixed up. I left that life, you know, the club, my parents. I ran from it as soon as I could. It just -- it never occurred to me that she might want it. It occurred to my mother though. God, I hate that she was right. SOOKIE: You don't know that she -- ooh! Oh my God! (Sookie spots something across the street. Without looking to see if any cars are coming she crosses the street, causing a guy to fall off his bike to avoid hitting her.) BIKE GUY: Hey, watch it! LORELAI: Oh! Aah! (to Bike Guy) Are you OK? OK. (Lorelai looks both ways before crossing the street to catch up to Sookie.) SOOKIE: (to strawberries) Look at you! You're beautiful! LORELAI: I have to be more adult about this. I mean, if the country club life is what she wants, more power to her, right? You know, little white gloves and coming-out parties. That makes some girls happy, right? SOOKIE: (while admiring the strawberries) Sure, yeah. If they're on Prozac, absolutely. LORELAI: I just never thought that I'd raise that kind of kid, you know? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that kind of kid. I just never thought that was Rory. Maybe it's not. I don't know. Am I obsessing? Sookie? Hello? Do I have to put on my strawberry costume to get your full attention? SOOKIE: No, I'm sorry. You have a strawberry costume? (Jackson walks by and sees Sookie) JACKSON: Unbelievable! SOOKIE: Jackson! JACKSON: So this is what we've come to? You sneaking around behind my back buying somebody else's strawberries? SOOKIE: I was desperate! JACKSON: You disgust me! SOOKIE: I needed the strawberries! JACKSON: Well now you have 'em. I hope you're happy together. SOOKIE: Jackson -- wait! JACKSON: No! (Jackson walks away. Sookie follows him.) SOOKIE: Come on Jackson. JACKSON: No. SOOKIE: Jackson, we can talk about it. JACKSON: No. SOOKIE: Jackson, get back here! JACKSON: Get away from me! (Sookie chases him down the middle of the street where they almost get hit by a car.) (Cut to the wedding reception at the inn. Everyone is dancing. Mrs. Shales hugs Lorelai.) MRS. SHALES: We did it! LORELAI: We sure did. MRS. SHALES: God, I feel wonderful. LORELAI: I'm so glad it turned out the way you wanted it. MRS. SHALES: Oh, you have no idea. They just told me they're going to share a condo in Tuscon. Arizona! That's hundreds of miles away! LORELAI: Congratulations. MRS. SHALES: Oh, thank you. Sister Sledge! Excuse me. (Mrs. Shales runs off to dance. Lorelai walks over to where Rory is sitting with the guestbook.) LORELAI: Hey, stranger. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Good turnout? RORY: Yep. LORELAI: Do you want something to drink? RORY: Are you trying to make up? LORELAI: No, I'm trying to hydrate you. RORY: I'm fine, thanks. LORELAI: I'm sorry. RORY: It's OK. LORELAI: A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size took over my body. RORY: It happens. LORELAI: She's gone now. RORY: Good to know. LORELAI: You know, I'm glad you're bonding with your grandparents. RORY: No you're not. LORELAI: Yes I am. It's just weird for me is all. I just can't relate to it. RORY: You could if you tried. LORELAI: No, we're too -- too much has happened and I'm glad you are anyway. RORY: OK. LORELAI: I didn't mean to cut you off from them so completely, you know. It just happened. Not having them in my life just felt so right. I just never thought -- I'm sorry. IRATE MOTHER: (to her daughter) I did not pay $500 for this dress so you could run around and mess it up. Now you sit and be still. Cross your legs. You're a lady. LORELAI: God, I must have had a million dresses like that when I was a kid. RORY: It doesn't really scream "you." LORELAI: No. I did all the screaming. RORY: Thank you for not putting me in a dress like that. LORELAI: You're welcome. Of course wearing those dresses -- not all bad. RORY: No? LORELAI: Oh no. They really fly up when you twirl around. RORY: Huh. LORELAI: And if you're wearing that ruffled underwear -- big crowd pleaser. RORY: If it makes you feel better, I think I got a fungus from the steam room. LORELAI: It does. Thank you. (Cut to Emily and Richard's house. Rory and Lorelai are just arriving.) EMILY: Oh, good, you're here. LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Hi, Grandma. EMILY: My goodnes, what is that? LORELAI: We brought dessert. EMILY: Really? How thoughtful. What is it? LORELAI: Blueberry shortcake. EMILY: I've never heard of blueberry shortcake. LORELAI: Yeah, it's a Stars Hollow specialty. EMILY: Why is it already cut? LORELAI: It's left over. From the wedding. At the inn. EMILY: Yes, I know where the wedding was. LORELAI: Oh, sorry. You were just doing that staring thing. EMILY: You brought us used dessert? LORELAI: It's not used. It's left over. EMILY: How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer. LORELAI: (whispers to Rory) She's in a good mood tonight. EMILY: Can I get you a drink? LORELAI: Uh, white wine would be nice. RORY: Coke. EMILY: So, Lorelai, did Rory tell you all about the wonderful time she had at the club? LORELAI: She sure did. EMILY: Your father was simply flying all week. She really charmed him. LORELAI: Ah, well, if anybody could, it would be her. EMILY: I mean, in this age of MTV and 100 television channels who would've imagined that a young girl coul still get a thrill spending a simple afternoon with her grandfather? LORELAI: That wine would be real good right now, Mom. EMILY: I think we should consider getting her a membership at the club, don't you? LORELAI: If she wants, sure. EMILY: I mean, to have a place to go where she can socialize, that's very important to a young girl. LORELAI: Well, now especially that the crack den is closed down on the corner all her really good friends are gone. What do you think, Mom, should I pursue the career in comedy? EMILY: It's just very interesting the way things turn out, isn't it? (Richard comes in.) RICHARD: Oh, you're here. Lorelai. LORELAI: Dad. RICHARD: Rory, I have a surprise. Not only did I find that copy of Mencken's "Chrestomathy" we discussed, I also found a first edition of his memoirs as well. RORY: You're kidding? RICHARD: It's in my office if you'd like to see them. RORY: Oh my God, I totally would. EMIL:Y I'd like to take a look at those myself. (They leave Lorelai sitting alone in the room.)
Plan: A: Friday night dinner; Q: When does Rory announce that she has to pick a team sport to play at Chilton? A: Emily; Q: Who insists that Richard take Rory to the club and teach her golf? A: a rocky start; Q: How does Rory start out playing golf? A: Lorelai's mixed feelings; Q: What provokes Lorelai into an intensely stupid argument with Rory? A: Lorelai; Q: Who is responsible for overseeing the preparations for the double wedding ceremony? A: her parents; Q: Who does Lorelai realize she's not losing Rory to? A: the Inn; Q: Where does Lorelai have to oversee the preparations for a double wedding ceremony? A: her hands; Q: What part of Lorelai has to deal with the preparations for the wedding? A: an ornate double wedding ceremony; Q: What is Lorelai preparing for at the Inn? A: their twin grooms; Q: Who is Michel? Summary: When Rory announces at Friday night dinner that she has to pick a team sport to play at Chilton, Emily insists that Richard take Rory to the club and teach her golf. Although Rory tees off to a rocky start, she soon gets into the swing of things and has a great time walking and talking with Richard. Later, Lorelai's mixed feelings as Rory tells her how much she enjoyed being with Richard at the club provokes her into an intensely stupid argument with Rory, which is soon patched up when Lorelai realizes that she's not losing Rory to her parents. At the Inn, Lorelai has her hands full overseeing all the preparations for an ornate double wedding ceremony and contending with a pair of spoiled and quarrelsome twin brides, their exhausted mother, their twin grooms, Michel, and the rest of her staff.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey's nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he's now forced to actually hold his breath.) Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo-you trying to kill me?! Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something. Phoebe: Uh-huh, what? Rachel: Well since I'm movin' out and-and you're so beautiful... Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: ...how about I move in with you? Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise? Monica: Who's Denise? Phoebe: My roommate. Rachel: You have a roommate?! Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise! Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute? Chandler: Pheebs, I don't understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about? Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!! Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin' uh, I'm gonna have an extra room over at my place... Rachel: Oh, that's true. Joey: Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday's right? Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I'm gonna find my own place. Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday's was just our thing man! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her? Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well. Phoebe: You didn't tell her did you? Ross: No. Phoebe: Of course not, because you're in love with her. Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn't tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend. Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her? Ross: It's nothing, I just gave her a hug. Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug! Ross: It's also a sign of friendship. Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of Ross's cookie.) Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug! Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair? Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did? Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women's pheromones come out the top of her head! That's why, that's why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you're a scientist. Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It's not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she's got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh...coconutty. (Phoebe raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn't mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts! Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel's not in the same place you are. Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place! Phoebe: Okay, I didn't understand that, but y'know, maybe that's 'cause you were speaking the secret language of love! (She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you. Chandler: Who was it? Joey: I don't know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.) Monica: Okay listen, y'know when you move in Rachel's room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it? Chandler: Sure! Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven't thought about it that much. Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y'know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones! Monica: No. Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let's discuss it before we reject it completely." Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no. Chandler: So, that's it? Monica: I just don't think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques. Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It's the oldest game! Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room? Chandler: I don't have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away! Monica: Are you mocking me? Chandler: No, I'm not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.] Joey: Hey, what's up? Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight. Joey: But you're still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the paper.) Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice! Joey: Yeah? I just figured y'know, after living with you it'd be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y'know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who's different than me. And what's more different than me; a guy who's not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you... Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I'm swamped right now. Rachel: You're just staring into space. Phoebe: Umm, I'm trying to move that pencil. (There's a pencil lying on the table.) Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.) Phoebe: It worked! Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It's just, there is nothing! The city's full! Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay..." Oh, yeah, but it's on the ground floor. Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey. Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place? Rachel: Yeah! Why? Ross: Okay, there's this guy, Warren, from the museum and he's going on a dig for like two years and he's got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested? Rachel: That sounds great! I'd love to live at Warren's!! I love Warren! Thank you! Ross: Don't thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just looks at him.) Here's Warren's number. Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you! (She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes her away.) Ross: Okay, you go grab it! Phoebe: I saw it. Ross: I don't know what you're talking about. Phoebe: Umm, I'm talking about that which you already know but won't admit. You love her again; you re-love her! Ross: Look, I do not re-love her. Phoebe: I can't believe you won't just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just promise me that you won't do anything stupid. Ross: Look, we're just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid? Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I'm never gonna find anything. Ross: You can live with me. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: What?! Ross: What? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?! Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.) Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that's-that's great! Thank you! Ross: Well, I'm-I'm just glad I could, y'know, help you out. Phoebe: Wow! I'm-I'm so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid. Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You're my hero! Ross: Hero, I uh, I don't know-well, all right. Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the cheek and exits.) Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You're gonna say things now, aren't ya? Phoebe: No. No, I won't. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn't love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that's how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, that's a lie. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hi. Chandler: Hi, listen, I'm sorry about before. I don't need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn't get girls, and now I can 'em-Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women... Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I'm sorry too. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! Oh yes! Chandler: Ohh. Monica: Listen, we don't have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together. Chandler: That's a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room. Monica: Totally! (They start thinking.) Chandler: We don't have to come up with this now. Monica: Oh good. Chandler: Hey, y'know what? Why don't we think about changes we can make in the living room? Monica: Changes? Chandler: Yeah, I mean we're gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.) Monica: You're-you're-you're gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here? Chandler: Is that a problem? Monica: Well, it's a set and they should probably stay together. Chandler: Oh, that's cool. Then I'll just bring them both over. Monica: See now-now you're taking them away from their home. Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I'll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work! Monica: Yeah-yeah, y'know what? Yeah, that's it-that's it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That's-that's what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I'm talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn't match! Where is it gonna go?! Chandler: In the game room! Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly! Chandler: All right! That's fine! That's fine! I won't bring over the chairs! I won't bring anything over! I wouldn't want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma's place!! (Storms out.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, she's a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.] Joey: (exiting from Chandler's room with the new roommate) Everything on your application looks really good-Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out? The Potential Roommate: Oh don't worry, I'm not really a party girl. Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don't be just blurtin' stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay? Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I'll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.) Joey: Oh don't listen to him, he's just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don't think he's gonna get it. Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down? Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I'm very safety conscious. [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.] Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff. Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica's and she and Chandler had a big fight and they're not moving in. Ross: What do you mean, they're not moving in? They-they're still moving in right? Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room. Ross: What?! Over a stupid room! Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I'm also really psyched 'cause I don't have to move in here! Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part's great! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument between Chandler and Monica.] Ross: What's all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly! Monica: Ross, we can handle this. Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can't just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness! Chandler: Well, why don't you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.) Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I've known you both a long time, and I've never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you've been since you've got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness? Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love. Monica: Love is the best medicine. Chandler: That's laughter. Monica: Why do you do it? Chandler: I don't know. Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right? Chandler: Yeah, I do. Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don't ya? Monica: Yes. Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for Gunther, yep Gunther's back, to refill her coffee.] Gunther: So I understand you're looking for a place. Rachel: No-no, I'm staying put. Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment. Rachel: Why, where are you going? Gunther: I don't know. Ross: (entering) Hey Rach! Rachel: Hi! Ross: You're never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That's great news right-I mean for them. Right? Rachel: Oh wow. Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again. Rachel: Yeah. Y'know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don't you think it's gonna be weird? Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird? Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history. Ross: No! Rachel: No? Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place? Rachel: No! Not at all! Ross: Good! Me neither! So it's not a problem. We're just two friends who happen to be roommates. Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating. Ross: Really?! We are? Rachel: Yeah! I'm gonna have a boyfriend, you're gonna have a girlfriend... Ross: Ohh! That would be great. Rachel: But y'know what, if you think it's gonna be okay we'll just work out a system. Y'know, it'll be like college, I'll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I'm gettin' lucky." (Laughs.) Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn't think of that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can try to manipulate the situation so that it's best for Ross, not necessarily what's best for Monica and Chandler.] Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it's a really big step! And-and what's the rush?! (They both start laughing at him.) Monica: That's very funny! Chandler: He's being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness! Ross: No, I-I-I'm serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y'know you break up! Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room. Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn't about the room, this is about what the room...represents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel's room) could destroy you!! Chandler: Yeah that's not worried. {Transcriber's note: I think that's what he says, if anyone thinks any different let me know. 'Cause that sentence doesn't make sense to me, but I played it 20 times and that's what I came up with.} Monica: Yeah, no, me neither. Ross: Fine! It's your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just don't want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that's what you want, there's nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON'T DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.) Monica: You still want to move in together right? Chandler: Of course! Monica: Ross didn't scare you? Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him. Monica: Come here, I want to show you something! Chandler: Okay! (They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.) Chandler: Oh my God! Someone's killed Square Man! Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it's still walking distance to the kitchen. Chandler: Oh that's so sweet! I want to show you something too! Monica: Okay! Chandler: Y'know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?" Monica: Uh-hmm. Chandler: Y'know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that's you and I together! Merge! Monica: Oh my God! I love that! Chandler: Really?! Monica: Uh, no!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.] Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed! How'd you whined up there? You are a mystery! Little black curly hair! Little black curly hair! Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair............ (Applause.) Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer. Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys? Rachel: Umm, well let's see Monica and Chandler are occupied. Ross: Fighting?! Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it's great they work things out. Ross: Yeah. There's no breaking them up, is there? Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy? Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.) Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there's no turning back. Ross: Yeah, I'm-I'm sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits) Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea? Ross: I've been back and forth. Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you're right where you don't want to be! Back together! Ross: Ehh, I don't, I don't think so. She's already talked about y'know, dating other guys. Joey: That's not gonna work out! Then she's gonna come home all weepy and you'll be tellin' her, "Oh that's okay. You'll find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you! Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you're right. Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want? Ross: Is that what I want? Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes. (Rachel enters.) Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I'm gonna make your life much easier. Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I'll just copy it later. Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don't you just move in with me? (Rachel sighs.) Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey! Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no... It's okay, I mean I-look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday's thing, but we don't have to do that! Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you're thinking about Naked Wednesday's. Joey: Thursday's clearly not good for ya, pick a day! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The Potential Roommate back for another interview.] Joey: (opening the door to The Potential Roommate) Hi! The Potential Roommate: Hi! Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin' back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists! The Potential Roommate: Great! Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I'm gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind. The Potential Roommate: I can do that. Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow. The Potential Roommate: Fight. Joey: Very good! Okay. G. The Potential Roommate: String? Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy. The Potential Roommate: Kitten? Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but-bye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)
Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who invites Rachel to move in with him? A: Phoebe; Q: Who does Ross deny he loves Rachel to? A: Chandler; Q: Who claims Monica still considers her apartment only her apartment? A: the spare bedroom; Q: What room does Monica reject Chandler's idea to turn into a game room? A: a fight; Q: What happens when Monica rejects Chandler's idea to turn the spare bedroom into a game room? A: trouble; Q: What does Joey have finding a new roommate? Summary: Ross denies to Phoebe that he loves Rachel, yet invites her to move in with him, all while Rachel is unaware they are still legally married. Monica flatly dismisses Chandler's idea to turn the spare bedroom into a game room. Chandler claims Monica still considers it only her apartment, resulting in a fight. Meanwhile, Joey has trouble finding a new roommate.
[Bulgaria] (Katherine is delivering a baby. She's with her mother) Mother: A little more dearest, a little more (She pushes and screams. She delivers her baby. Her mother takes it. Her father is watching) Mother: It's a girl Katherine: A girl. Please mother, let me see her Father: Woman, don't! What are you doing? (She gives the baby to her husband) Katherine: Let me at least hold her once... just once Father: Forget it! You have disgraced this family (He leaves the room with the baby. Katherine cries and screams) Katherine: Father, please! No, father, no! Mother: No Katerina, it's better for her! (Her mother embraces her. Katherine is still crying) Katherine: No mother, please Mother: Let her go... let her go Katerina Katherine: Please, mama... Nowadays [Salvatore's house] (Elena is knocking on the door. Damon opens it) Damon: Hello, Elena Elena: Stefan's here? He called. He said it was important Damon: Right this way (She enters the house. Stefan arrives) Stefan: Hey Elena: What is this about? (Rose arrives) Elena: You (They go in the living room. Elena is sitting on the couch) Rose: Okay, you have to understand I only know what I've picked up over the years and I don't know what's true and what's not true. It's the problem with all this vampire crap but Klaus, I know he's real Elena: Who is he? Damon: He's one of the originals, he's a legend Stefan: from the first generation of vampires Elena: Like Elijah Rose: No. Elijah was the least of any compared to Klaus. He's a felsojah. Klaus is a real deal Stefan: Klaus is known to be the oldest Elena: Okay, so you're saying that the oldest vampire in the history of time is coming after me? Rose: Yes Stefan: No Damon: What they're saying is, I mean if what she's saying is true... Rose: Which it is Damon: And you're saying it so I don't kill you Rose: Which I'm not Damon: Then we're looking at a solid maybe Stefan: Look, Elijah's dead, right? So no one else even know that you exist Rose: Not that you know off Damon: That's not helping Stefan: Look, I've never even met anyone who's laid eyes on him. I mean, we're talking centuries of truth mixed with fiction. We don't know if he's real. For all we know he could just be some sort of stupid bed time stories Rose: He's real and he doesn't give up. If he wants something, he gets it. If you're not afraid of Klaus, then you're an idiot Damon: Aright, we're shaking. You made your point (Elena gets up) Stefan: Where are you going? Elena: At school. I'm late Stefan: Let me grab my stuff, I'll go with you Elena: It's okay, I know where it is (She leaves) Damon (to Rose): She's in denial Stefan: Shut up, Damon [Mystic Falls' high school] (Bonnie arrives at school. One of her books fall on the floor. Jeremy arrives) Jeremy: Here, I got it Bonnie: Thanks. Where is Elena? Jeremy: She's actually running late today. What are you doing later? You want to hang out at the grill, shoot some pool? The winner owns the table Bonnie: Uh, why? Jeremy: What why? Bonnie: Well, you never asked me to play pool before so why know? Jeremy: Uh, I don't know, I thought it'd be fun, never mind Bonnie: No, hey, okay. Sure. It's just Jeremy: Just what? Bonnie: It's just you're Elena's brother and... sure. It's just I'm really bad at pool Jeremy: Yeah, yeah. I thought you might be (A boy arrives) Luka: Excuse me! Do you guys know which way is the office? Jeremy: Yeah, yeah. Through the double doors then straight ahead then quick left and then your first right. You must be new here Luka: Yeah, I am. It's kind of hard to hide it. My name's Luka Jeremy: I'm Jeremy, this is Bonnie Luka: Hi, Bonnie (They look at each other. Jeremy looks at them) Jeremy: Anyway, Luka. I'm actually heading to that direction. Why you don't follow me? It can get confusing Luka: Thanks man. It's nice to meet you Bonnie (He looks at her and leaves with Jeremy) [The woods] (Elena is with Caroline. Elena is carrying a bag) Elena: Tell everyone I wasn't feeling well and I went home instead of school Caroline: I can't believe I'm agreeing to this. I'm a terrible liar Elena: And keep Stefan busy. I don't want him to know what I'm up to Caroline: I'm even worse at duplicity and you know this Elena: You managed to keep me occupied when Katherine paid Stefan a visit Caroline: Yeah, because she threatened me. Not that I'm saying that you should use that as a tactic, it's... Stefan's gonna see right through me Elena: Caroline, as my friend, do you promise or not? Caroline: you had to break out the girlfriend code. Okay. I promise Elena: Okay Caroline: Why don't you want Stefan to know? Elena: Because he would never be okay with me doing this (They go under the church ruins. They stop in front of the tomb's door) Caroline: Are you sure you want to do this? Elena: Yes, I'm sure. She's the only one who knows the truth about Klaus. The only one who can tell me how to stop him Caroline: But you're asking for the truth from someone who's probably never giving it. Are you sure about this? Elena: Yeah. I just can't stay back and wait. I have to know, Caroline. Please (Caroline goes toward the door and opens it) Elena: Katherine? (She looks at Caroline) Elena: I'll be okay from here (They hear noise. Elena turns her head and looks at the door entrance. Katherine arrives and stops at the entrance) Katherine: Hello Elena. You come to watch me wither away? Goodbye Caroline Elena: As long as I stay on this side on the door, she can't hurt me. Please (Caroline looks at them and leaves) Katherine: Stefan knows you're here? Elena: I brought you some things Katherine: You came to bribe me? What is it that you want? Elena: I want you to tell me about Klaus Katherine: Hmm, you've been busy Elena: I also brought you this (She takes an old book from the bag) Elena: It's your family history. It says in here that the family line ended with you. Obviously that's not true Katherine: You think that if you brought me some family keepsake then I'd open up? Elena: I also brought you this (She takes a bottle of blood from the bag and shows it to Katherine. Katherine rushes over Elena but she can't get out because of the spell) Elena: You don't look so good. How long before your body shuts down? 10, 20 years? It must be painful to desiccate and mummify. I can't even imagine (Katherine sits down on the floor. Elena puts some blood in a glass and gives it to her. Katherine takes the glass and drink) Katherine: You have the Petrova fire Elena: More blood? (Katherine puts the glass on the floor. Elea takes it) Katherine: It's a long story, Klaus and i. it was all the way back to England, 1492, after I left Bulgaria or was thrown out Elena: Thrown out? Katherine: My family, your true ancestors, they disowned me. My indiscretions were not tolerated at that time. I had a baby at a Winlock. A shame Elena: It was kept secret? Katherine: Hum hum. My baby was given away. I was banished to England and I had to learn to adjust so I quickly became English. It was there that I caught the eye of a noble man name Klaus. I was taking with him at first until I found out what he was and what he wanted from me and then I ran like hell [SCENE_BREAK] [England, the woods] (Katherine is running. She falls and hides behind a tree. Elijah and his men are looking for her) Elijah: She's here. Katerina! I know you're near, I can smell your blood. It's pointless to run, Klaus will find you wherever you are (Trevor arrives and indicates them a false direction) Trevor: This way. There is more blood over there (They leave. Katherine gets up. She tries to leave but Trevor arrives, puts a finger on her mouth and pushes her against the tree) Trevor: Head east. I can't distract them much longer Katherine: I can't run anymore Trevor: Never mind. There's a cottage. You'll be safe there. Go now. Go! (She leaves) Nowadays [The tomb] Elena: So, what did Klaus want? Katherine: The same thing that he wants from you. He wants to break the curse Elena: By sacrificing the Petrova doppelganger Katherine: He wanted to drain every single drop of blood of my body [Salvatore's house] (Rose is crying. Damon arrives) Damon: Alright rosebud. I need some answers. Oh please don't tell me you're crying 'cause your buddy Trevor lost his head Rose: You've always been this sensitive? Damon: Full vampire switch for this very reason. Takes the emotion out of it Rose: Yeah, you switch yours, I'll switch mine Damon: Is that a dig? Rose: It's an observation. Being in love with your brother's girlfriend must be difficult Damon: I'm not in love with anyone Rose: You want to try that again? Damon: Don't get on my bad side Rose: Then show me your good side Damon: How do I find Klaus? Rose: You don't find Klaus, he finds you Damon: Come on. Somebody's got to know somebody who knows where he is, right? Rose: Add another two hundred somebodies to that and you're still not even close Damon: Humor me. You got in touch with Elijah, how did you do it? Rose: Through a very low somebody on the churching poll. A guy name Slater in Richmond Damon: Perfect. I'll drive Rose: No. You forget not all of us can do sun Damon: Then you drive. Come on [Mystic Falls' high school] Caroline: Stefan! Stefan: Hey Caroline: Hey. Uh, I need to talk to you. Where are you going? Stefan: Well, Elena went home sick; I just want to go check up on her Caroline: Ditcher Stefan: I'm kind of worried about her Caroline: You know what? Of course you are. Go ahead, I'd... you know what? We can talk later Stefan: Uh, talk about what? Caroline: I might have done something Stefan: What did you do? Caroline: Told Tyler I'm a vampire [The tomb] (Elena gives another glass of blood to Katherine) Elena: What does the Petrova blood line have to do with Klaus? Katherine: It's really tedious but... (She drinks. She looks better) Katherine: The curse was bind by the sacrifice of Petrova blood. Witches are crafty with their spells. The doppelganger was created as a way to be able to undo the spell. Once the doppelganger reappeared, the curse can be broken Elena: So you ran before he killed you Katherine: Something like that [SCENE_BREAK] [England, a cottage] (Katherine arrives at a cottage. She knocks on the door) Katherine: Help, please help me (An old woman opens the door) Katherine: Please, help me Woman: I don't invite strangers into my home Katherine: No, Trevor. He said that you'd help me (Rose arrives) Rose: Damn him. Always making promises I don't want to keep (She looks at Katherine) Rose: Let the girl in (Katherine enters the house and sits down) Katherine: You must be Rose. Thank you. Trevor said to show you this (She shows her the moonstone) Katherine: To prove I am who I say and that you'd help me to freedom Rose: You stole this from Klaus? Katherine: It was to be part of the sacrifice, so I grabbed it and made my escape Rose: People do not escape from Klaus. Everyone who tries ends up back in his grass and anyone who helps them dies Katherine: I know the risk you bring on yourself by giving me aid Rose: I'm risking nothing. At nightfall, I'll bring you back to Klaus and beg him to show us both mercy (She catches Katherine and pushes her in an empty room) Katherine: No! No! (Rose closes the door) Nowadays [Somewhere, a coffee shop] (Rose and Damon are parking the car in a underground parking lot) Damon: Back entrance. How convenient Rose: That's the point. We can't all have little daylight rings Damon: How do you know this Slater guy is even here? Rose: I called him. He's here. He's always here Damon: Good (He pushes her against the wall) Damon: Just one thing. If you're setting me up in any way, I will rip your heart out and shave it down your throat. It's something I'm very good at (Rose catches him and pushes him against the car) Rose: I'm older than you and stronger. Don't get on my bad side (She releases him) Rose: You can trust me (They enter in the coffee shop) Damon: Whoa. What about the sunlight? Rose: Double painted and temped. UV rays can't penetrate. You see the appeal know? (Slater rejoins them) Slater: That and the free Wi-Fi (She embraces him) Rose: Hey, how are you? Slater: Good. I saw you come, what are you doing here? Rose: Mmm, it's a long story but I want you to meet... Slater: Damon Salvatore. Turned 1864 in Mystic Falls by Katherine Pierce aka Katerina Petrova. So I take it I was right, what I told you about the tomb under the church was true? Rose: Yes. It was right. Thank you for the tip (He looks at Damon) Slater: It's nice to meet you, maybe. What's going on Rose? Where is Trevor? [The tomb] Elena: Rose never ended up taking you back to Klaus, did she? Katherine: No but not because she had a change of heart [SCENE_BREAK] [England, a cottage] (Rose enters the room. Katherine is on a bed) Rose: its nightfall. Time to go (She sees that Katherine is hurt. She's bleeding) Rose: When did this happen? Katherine: In the woods, I tripped Rose: It's a lie, I would have smelled it (She finds a knife in Katherine's hand and takes it) Katherine: Rather die than go back to Klaus. Please, just let me die Rose: If you die then Trevor dies with you (She bites her wrist and puts it in Katherine's mouth so she can drink her blood. Her wounds heal. Trevor arrives) Trevor: Where is she? (Rose rushes over him and leave Katherine alone. She pushes him against the wall) Rose: You have set us both on the path of death. I only hope Klaus sees the honor in returning that girl to him Trevor: He will sacrifice her Rose: Then sobiet! Trevor: I love her, Rose Rose: He'll kill you. He won't stop until he has our heads Trevor: Then we should run until we die (They hear noise in the room. They rushes to see what's happened and find Katherine hanged in the ceiling. She's dead) Nowadays [The tomb] Elena: You killed yourself?! Katherine: Klaus needed a human doppelganger. As a vampire, I was no longer any use to him Elena: But it didn't work. You didn't really escape, you've been running from Klaus ever since Katherine: I under estimated his peered for vengeance but leaving with a suitcase is better than dying so you can have your blood spilled over some silly little rock (Elena doesn't seem good) Katherine: What's wrong? Afraid, right? You don't want to die? There's another way out (She cuts her wrist with her nail. She bleeds) Katherine: Better hurry. Your opportunity is going, going, going and gone (Her wrist is healed) Katherine: I made the other choice [SCENE_BREAK] [England, a cottage] (Katherine wakes up) Trevor: What did you do, Katerina? I would have helped you live Katherine: You would have helped me run. That was never going to be enough Trevor: It was enough for me Rose: Do you not see, Trevor? She used you to help her escape and me to turn her. Klaus will see our role in this Katherine: And for that I'm sorry Rose: As am i.... for this (She rushes over Katherine with a stake but Katherine catches the old lady. Rose stakes the old lady on the shoulder. Katherine drinks the old lady's blood) Katherine: Please understand Rose: You just signed our death sentence Katherine: Better you die than i (She throws the old lady in Trevor's arms and leaves with her new super speed) Nowadays [The tomb] Elena: Rose and Trevor spent the last 500 years running because you used them. Trevor just got killed Katherine: I never thought he would last for that long Elena: You don't even care that you ruined their lives Katherine: I was looking out for myself, Elena. I will always look out for myself. If you're smart, you'll do the same (She turns herself and opens the Petrova book) [Mystic Grill] (Caroline and Stefan are sitting at a table. Caroline is eating) Caroline: Sorry to drag you here but if I don't eat, I get these killing some people urge. Tyler totally has it too by the way Stefan: Yeah, what else did you say to him? Caroline: Not much. I was trying to keep the questions to a minimum. Are you mad? Stefan: Yes Caroline. As a matter of fact, i am a little mad. I mean, you put yourself a risk. If Damon finds out... Caroline: But you're not gonna tell him, are you? Stefan: No, of course not. He would kill you Caroline: Always looking out for me Stefan: Yeah. Well, you don't exactly make it very easy on me Caroline: Then why do you do it? Why are you such a good friend to me? Stefan: I don't know. I guess you... you remind me of someone. My best friend, Lexi Caroline: I... you have a friend? Stefan: You say that with such a discouraging imam of surprise, Caroline Caroline: No I just... sorry. I just... tell me about her Stefan: I will, some other time. I got to go Caroline: Wait! No! What do we do about Tyler? I don't want Damon to kill him 'cause there's a full moon coming up and Tyler is totally freaking out about it (Luka is sitting at a table with his father. Bonnie passes next to him) Luka: Hey Bonnie Bonnie: Hey, Luka. How was your first day? Luka: It was great. I would like to introduce you to my dad Bonnie: Hi, I'm Bonnie Bennett Jonas: Doctor Martin, Jonas Martin. It's nice to meet you Bonnie Bennett. Would you like to join us? Bonnie: Oh, I'm meeting a friend but he's not here yet so... sure Luka: Oh yes, please have a sit (She sits down) Bonnie: So, where did you move from? Jonas: Louisiana Bonnie: That's a big change Luka: I'll say Bonnie: It's not so bad here Luka: It's looking up Jonas: Bennett, uh? I knew some Bennett's when I did my residency in Massachusetts. Do you have any family from Salem? Bonnie: Actually i do Jonas: What do you know? Small world, right? (Jeremy arrives) Bonnie: Oh, there's me friend. It was nice to meet you, Doctor Martin Luka: I will see you at school Bonnie: Yeah (She touches his shoulder and feels something. She leaves with Jeremy and turns her head to look at them) Jeremy: Sorry I was late, are you okay? Bonnie: Yeah [Somewhere, a coffee shop] Slater: And you're sure Elijah's dead? Damon: Beyond dead Slater: Trevor was a good man; he helped me with my dissertation on sexual deviance on the baroque period. I was schooling for my psych PHT Rose: Slater's been in college since 74 Slater: When i was turned. I have 18 degrees, 3 masters and 4 PHT Damon: The point? Slater: Exactly, I mean, what is the point? What should I be doing with my eternity? If you have an answer, please enlight me Rose: We need your help. If someone wanted to get in touch with Klaus, how would you hook him up? Slater: Craigslist Damon: Really? Slater: Seriously. I respond to a personal add to get set to somebody who knows somebody who knows Elijah, who's dead and that's where my connection ends (In front of the coffee shop, a man stops in front of a man who plays guitar. He gives him money and takes his coins. He decants the coins into his other hand. It's Elijah. He looks at Slater, Damon and Rose) [Mystic Grill] (Bonnie and Jeremy are playing pool) Jeremy: You are bad Bonnie: I told you Jeremy: Well, you can cheat if you need your dignity back Bonnie: Come on, hit the ball (Luka rejoins them) Luka: Alright, I got winner guys. I got winner Jeremy: Get ready, this slot is almost over Bonnie: So where's your dad? Luka: I'll see him back home (Stefan and Caroline are still talking) Stefan: Okay, now I'm leaving Caroline: Wait...! Stefan: No, no, no, Caroline, you have two seconds to come clean Caroline: What do you mean? Stefan: I'd believe your whole innocent act a little bit better if I didn't know how good you are at providing a distraction on demand. Where is Elena? Caroline: I can't tell you Stefan: You can't tell me? Are you kidding me? Caroline: I'm sorry but i... I can't tell you Stefan: Caroline! Elena was kidnapped, she could have been killed and you're seriously not gonna tell me where she is? Caroline: She's not in any danger. I would not have let her put herself in danger Stefan: Put herself in danger where? What do you...? She's with Damon isn't she? Caroline: Ouh, no Stefan: Then where... where is she? Listen, if you're my friend like you've been pretending to be all day, then you'll tell me where she is Caroline: Stefan, I am your friend but I'm also Elena's friend and I'm sorry but I'm not going to tell you where she is (He looks at her and leaves) [The tomb] Elena: So how much of your little story is true? Katherine: I have no reason to lie, Elena. I have no reason to do anything but sit here and read and rot Elena: Okay, assuming it's even partially true, that's the reason why you came back isn't it? Because you wanted to be the one to hand me over to Klaus Katherine: 500 years in the run, I figured maybe he'd be willing to strike a deal Elena: So you got Mason Lockwood to find you the moonstone Katherine: Right again Elena: What else do you needed to break the curse? Katherine: Hmm, look who is getting smarter Elena: It's not just me or the stone, is it? Otherwise that you'd be no reason to trigger Tyler Lockwood's werewolf curse Katherine: Witches and their spells: so many ingredients, so many people to sacrifice Elena: So you need a werewolf Katherine: Believe it or not, they're hard to come by Elena: What else? Katherine: A witch to do the spell. Mine bailed but Bonnie will do just fine Elena: What else? Katherine: A vampire Elena: Caroline Katherine: It could have been anyone I suppose but i like the poetry of Caroline Elena: So you were gonna just hand us all over to be killed? Katherine: Better you die than i (She goes deeper in the tomb. Elena is alone) [Somewhere, a coffee shop] Damon: Here's what I don't get: Elijah moved around during the day, which means the original people knew the secret of the day ring. Know why would Klaus want to lift the curse of the sun and the moon? Slater: To keep the werewolves from lifting it. If a vampire breaks the sun curse then the werewolves are stuck with the curse of the moon forever and vice versa Rose: But werewolves are extinct Slater: True. I've never seen one but rumor has it Damon: Not such a rumor Slater: Mystic Falls? God, I got to visit this place. It sounds awesome (Elijah is still in front of the coffee shop. He's listening to them) Damon: Can we stop the curse from being broken at all? Slater: What do you mean? Damon: Well, if we make the moonstone useless, would it stop the curse from being broken? Slater: Yeah, probably but why would you want to do that? Damon: Tell me how Slater: You think I'm gonna help you figure out how to do something that will piss of an original? And keeping them from walking in the sun? Damon: You want to walk in the sun? I can make that happen if you help us (Elijah is still listening to them. He throws the coins on the window. All the windows broke. Slater and Rose's skin are burning. Rose is screaming. Damon looks outside but Elijah is gone. Slater runs. Rose face is burned. Damon puts a jacket on Rose's face and help her get out of the coffee shop. He carries her to the car and puts her on the back of the car) Damon: You're gonna be okay Rose: I know Damon: Who's behind that? Rose: I don't know. Where is Slater? Damon: Iowa by now. Who the hell knows? Rose: He's not behind this, he's a good guy, he wouldn't betrayed me Damon: Who did it? Rose: It's Klaus, don't you understand? You don't know this man, we're dead, we're all dead (She cries. Her face is healed) [Mystic Grill] (Bonnie is alone, she looks at Jeremy. He looks at her and they both smile. Luka rejoins her) Luka: Hey Bonnie. I'm sorry about earlier, my dad is not very subtle with the whole Bennett/Salem question. He picked up on you, he was just fishing around, he didn't mean any harm Bonnie: I felt something too Luka: I know. That's why we're having this conversation right now. He uh... doesn't like for anyone to know (He puts a lot of salt on the table) Luka: But we were both worry that you would bail us (He looks around him and puts his hand above the salt. That salt flies) Luka: He just wants us to fit in here for once. It's tough Bonnie, being different Bonnie: You're a witch? Luka: We prefer the term warlock [The tomb] (Elena is still alone, she looks at the tomb. Stefan arrives) Stefan: Elena Elena: Stefan, what are you doing here? Stefan: I could ask you the same question Elena: Caroline told you Stefan: No, she kept your secret but it didn't take long for me to figure out what was the important that you'd have to keep it from me Elena: I knew that you'd stop me Stefan: Listen to me, whatever she said to you is a lie. Do not listen to her. She's a liar, Elena Elena: What if she isn't? You didn't hear what she said Stefan: You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you Elena: That's the problem, you won't but you'll die trying. How's that any better? (Katherine arrives) Katherine: There's nothing you can do, Stefan. I haven't even told you the best part of the story [SCENE_BREAK] [Bulgaria] (Katherine arrives at her parent's home. she finds dead people outside. She runs and enters the home. She finds her father dead and sees her mother. She's dead. She rushes over her. She cries on her mother's body) Katherine: No, no, no mama. No! Nowadays [The tomb] Katherine: He killed them, my entire family just to get back at me for running. Whatever you do to escape Klaus, he will get his vengeance on your friends, your family and anyone that you've ever loved (Stefan looks at Elena) Stefan: No, look at me. No, do not listen to her, okay? Katherine: Always the protector but you must realize that she's doomed. There's nothing you can do to stop it unless of course you have this (She shows him the moonstone) Elena: What? Stefan: Oh no, there it is. It's the ultimate lie, isn't it? You spun this whole thing so that we would have to get the stone from you, didn't you? Katherine: I didn't spin anything, Stefan. It's the truth Stefan: No, let me guess. You want to trade that stone for your freedom, you manipulative, psychotic bitch Katherine: My freedom? That's where you're wrong, Stefan. I don't want my freedom because when Klaus shows up to kill us all and he will, I'll be in the tomb, where no vampire will enter because they can't get out. I'll be the safest psychotic bitch in town (She looks at Elena and goes deeper in the tomb) [Salvatore's house] (Damon is drinking in the living room. Rose rejoins her) Rose: I'm sorry about today. I didn't know that was gonna happen Damon: I believe you Rose: I wish we could save Elena. I know that you want to Damon: And I will Rose: You remind me of Trevor Damon: Why? Why him? Rose: Because he always talked big game, always working on angle but underneath all this, he was the best friend anyone could hope for Damon: And where did that get him? Rose: Dead and my loyalty to him almost got me dead too (He gives her a glass of scotch) Damon: To friendship Rose: You're right to fight it, how do you feel about her Damon: And why's that? Rose: Because if you want to survive, you need to not care about anyone Damon: Caring get you dead, uh? Rose: He might just be time to turn the switch off on your emotions Damon: I will if you will (They look at each other and then kiss) [Mystic Grill] (Jeremy is playing pool. He turns himself to look at Bonnie but she's not looking at him, she's talking with Luka. He looks at them, smiles and leaves) [Gilbert's house] (Elena and Stefan are in the porch) Stefan: Elena Elena: I can't talk about it, Stefan Stefan: You have to. Don't shut me out. Elena, please (She's crying) Elena: I wanted to know the truth, Stefan and I got it. It's not just me that's in danger. It's Caroline and it's Tyler and its Bonnie. They're all part of breaking the curse. I can't blame anyone else anymore because it's not because you came into town or because you and i fell in love. That's not why everyone that I love is in danger. It's because of me, everything is because of me (He embraces her. She's crying. He kisses her on the top of her head) [The tomb] (Katherine is reading her family book. She finds a portrait of her with her parents. She has tears in her eyes) [Salvatore's house] (Damon and Rose have made love. Damon is shirtless) Rose: It's a lie, you know. There's no switch you can turn. Sure when you're a newbie but after a couple of hundred years... you just have to pretend (Rose's phone ring. She answers. It's Slater) Rose: Hello? Slater: Rose? Rose: Slater? Are you okay? Slater: Yes, I took off, I'm sorry, I was freaking freaked Rose: No, I'm sorry to involved you Slater: Look, i want no part in any of this but i did some digging Rose: Okay, what did you find? Slater: You can destroy the curse but you need the moonstone Rose: How? What do you mean? I don't follow Slater: Can your friend get the moonstone? You need it (She looks at Damon. He tells her yes) Rose: Yes, he can get it. What next? Slater: You need a witch. Get the moonstone, a witch should be able to figure out the rest. Good luck, Rose (He hangs up. Damon and Rose look at each other) [A house] (Slater just hanged up) Elijah: Very nicely done Slater: Thanks, I have a degree in theatre. How can you compel me? A vampire can't compel another vampire Elijah: I'm a special vampire Slater: What, because you're an original? Elijah: Hmm, now I want you this and drive it through your heart (He gives him a stake. Slater takes it) Slater: But that will kill me forever Elijah: I know (He's compelling him) Elijah: But it's necessary (Slater drives the stake through his heart. He falls on the floor, he's dead. Jonas rejoins Elijah) Jonas: Was it, really? Elijah: It had to be done. He delivered his message. Won't be long now (They look at each other)
Plan: A: Bulgaria; Q: Where did Katherine give birth to a baby girl in 1490? A: the baby; Q: What did Katherine's father take away from her? A: Elena; Q: Who offers Katherine blood for the truth? A: the Petrova line; Q: Elena learns that she is a doppelgänger from what line? A: Petrova; Q: What line is Elena a descendant of? A: a vampire; Q: What did Katherine become to avoid being used to break the curse? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where did Katherine go to try to save herself from Klaus? A: Bonnie; Q: Who meets Luka and his father? A: a warlock; Q: What is Luka's profession? A: Rose's vampire friend; Q: Who is Slater? A: a healed Elijah; Q: Who overhears Damon and Rose seeking information about Klaus? A: Elijah; Q: Who compels Slater to stake himself? Summary: In Bulgaria in 1490 Katherine gives birth to a baby girl only to have her father take the baby away. Back in the present, Elena offers Katherine blood for the truth. Elena learns that as a descendant of Katherine, she is a doppelgänger from the Petrova line. Katherine reveals that she became a vampire so that she could not be used to break the curse. Katherine came to Mystic Falls to try to save herself from Klaus by offering him what he needed to lift the curse: the current doppelgänger, a witch, a werewolf, a vampire, and the moonstone. Bonnie meets a warlock named Luka and his father. Damon and Rose seek information about Klaus from Rose's vampire friend, Slater, but a healed Elijah overhears them. Elijah compels Slater to stake himself. It is revealed that Luka and his father are working for Elijah.
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Lucas pushes the door to Dan's hospital room open.) DAN: (o.s) I'm glad you came son. I wanna do something I shoulda done a long time ago. LUCAS: (v.o) Went to go see Dan. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] KAREN: What did he say this time? LUCAS: That he was sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Karen and Keith stand in the empty café.) KAREN: Before the proposal we were friends Keith, I mean can't we at least try to go back to the way we were then? KEITH: I don't think so. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Dan is signing some papers.) DAN: My doctor's put me through some cardiovascular rehab; I thought you might like to join me. LUCAS: (Smiling sardonically.) So you wanna be workout buddies? DAN: Give us a chance to spend some time together. Get to know you. LUCAS: You had my whole life to do that. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Karen and Deb are in the café enjoying some alcohol.) KAREN: I thought the divorce went through. DEB: Well technically no, Dan had the heart attack before signing the papers. While signing the papers actually. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas opens the lockbox and sees pictures of himself at various ages.) DAN: (v.o) Look, would you do me a favour and put a copy of this in the lockbox in my bottom desk drawer? (Lucas flips through the pictures.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - ATM MACHINE - DAY] (Brooke stands with Peyton as she tries to get her money out. The screen flashes 'INSUFFICIENT FUNDS, PLEASE SEE BANK PERSONNEL TO RECLAIM YOUR CARD'.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Haley and Nathan lie on the bed in the dark room.) HALEY: You are the one that I want. NATHAN: Yeah, me too. (She kisses him.) FADE TO BLACK: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Camera pans to show Brooke lying on her bed sleeping. A distant splash is heard and she opens her eyes, slightly confused. She gets up, pulls back her gauzy, yellow, curtains and sees a guy swimming naked in her pool. She hurriedly leaves her room.) (The guy continues to swim as Brooke comes into view.) BROOKE: Excuse me! (He ignores her and continues swimming.) Hello?! (Uncertainly) Hola? FELIX: (smiles) Hola. BROOKE: OK (Attempting to stay calm.) Look, I don't know what my mom told you, but here's the drill, pool boys don't get swimming privileges. FELIX: (Speaks Spanish and I won't translate because, mainly, I don't know Spanish.) BROOKE: Right I...ciento you too. Um...(Attempting very bad fake English.)...get aye outay. (Makes hand gestures to emphasize her point.) (Felix Gets out but not before showing her all of his naked glory. Brooke looks on, half impressed but still trying to stay calm.) BROOKE: What? You lose your suit? FELIX: (Speaks more Spanish.) BROOKE: OK (pause) I ditched Spanish the day they covered the naked verbs. (here here) You (points to him.) no (Shakes hands) swim (Imitates swimming.) here. (Points to her house.) OK? FELIX: (In a heavy Spanish accent.) OK. (Speaks even more Spanish.) (Brooke stares flummoxed and rolls her eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY] (Haley is singing.) HALEY: #Every night I watch you sleep, Peace in dreams I hope you'll keep. (Nathan smiles impressed as he listens to her. Haley moves around the kitchen.) HALEY: Until your death, With your last bre- (Stops and tries a different note.)Breat-brea. (Shakes her head and opens the fridge.) NATHAN: (Eating breakfast.) Are you writing a song or are you planning on killing me? HALEY: Uh, officially I'm writing a new song, unofficially; I'd watch your back. (Nathan smiles.) By the way, I found a new car on the internet. It's great. NATHAN: Hm, define great. HALEY: Five-hundred bucks great, which is actually thirty-six bucks less than we've got in the wish dish (laughing) so we could probably spring for a full tank of gas. NATHAN: Well you know; my wish was more along the lines of TeeVO...surround sound. HALEY: Well a car will get you off the bus before Keith fires you for being late. (Nathan smiles, nodding.) Will you just take a look at it? If it's a piece of junk we'll keep looking. NATHAN: OK. HALEY: Deal? NATHAN: Deal. HALEY: (Kisses him) And um...make sure the trunk's big enough to fit your body. (Coughs slightly.) Just in case. (Nathan laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Dan is sitting in front of the TV, his stubble growing worse than ever, just lazing about.) DEB: Dan? Are you OK? DAN: Yeah. I'm gonna order some lawn gnomes. Front yard looks a little bare. DEB: It's a nice day. You wanna try a walk? DAN: Maybe later. (Deb looks at him and then leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DAY] (The café is full as Peyton walks in. Karen sees her.) KAREN: Hey Peyton. PEYTON: Hey. KAREN: You looking for Lucas? PEYTON: Um...actually I was looking for you. (Something's obviously on her mind.) I just wanted to say I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and my dad. I was (pause) really enjoying getting to know you. KAREN: Yeah I liked that too. PEYTON: So I was hoping maybe we could keep in touch. (Hurriedly) Unless that's weird. KAREN: (Shakes her head.) No. That wouldn't be weird at all. PEYTON: OK. Great. Can I ask you for some advice? You're just the only woman I know that runs a business and I've got this crazy idea. KAREN: Well I like crazy ideas. What is it? PEYTON: OK. It is impossible to see good live music in this town without a fake ID so I went to THUD and I suggested they sponsor an 'all-ages' night. You know, not like here at the café but...like a club night. KAREN: That sounds great. PEYTON: Yeah, I thought so too but (shrugs) no takers so far. The club managers find out I'm in high school and it kinda ends there. KAREN: It only takes one person to say yes Peyton. If you believe in it, see it through. Eventually someone else will see it too. (Peyton bites her lip and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT SERVICE ANNEX - DAY] (Nathan is polishing up a car hood in what was formally 'Keith Scott Body Shop' and is now 'Dan Scott Service Annex'. Keith is standing at the back talking to somebody. The cardboard cut-out of Dan is there.) NATHAN: (Talking to the cut-out and mimicking the hand gesture.) Hey dad! How's it going? (Pretending to be Dan.) Oh, pretty good son. You know I'm proud of you. How's Haley? (Shakes his head and walks back to the car.) KEITH: Well at least the cardboard one's polite. (Nathan smiles.) You know, Nathan, you're not gonna be detailing cars forever. I'm gonna find you something, you know, better. NATHAN: No, you know, it's cool. Whatever I have to do. I mean just...treat me like any other employee who has no skills and whose last name isn't Scott. KEITH: (Happy) OK, I will. (Starts to walk away.) NATHAN: Oh yeah, Keith? Uh...I have a-a favour to ask. KEITH: Oh see now you are like any other employee. NATHAN: Well...me and Haley have been saving up for a used car and uh...well she found one she likes but I don't know anything about cars. (pause) So I was wondering if you could, check one out for me tomorrow? KEITH: I'd be happy to. Long as you don't spread that 'I don't know anything about cars' around the dealership. (Nathan smiles and nods.) Look I know this isn't exactly glamorous...but you're doing a good job. I'm glad you're here. It's a-it's nice to be around family. (Nathan sighs happily.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EST SHOT - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DAY] (Deb is behind the counter sorting out receipts. Lucas comes up from the back.) LUCAS: Alright, I'm gonna take off. DEB: Oh Nathan. (Lucas gives her a look. He doesn't look anything like Nathan.) DEB: (Apologetically) Sorry. Force of habit. (Gives him his backpack.) Lucas. LUCAS: It's OK. Actually that reminds me. I left my history book in the kitchen. (Walks to the back again.) KAREN: I'm gonna be late for school. First day. DEB: You're gonna do great. KAREN: You sure you're gonna be OK here? I mean if Dan needs you, I can get Lucas in after school. DEB: Oh no, it's fine. I don't think I'm what Dan needs anyway. KAREN: What do you mean? DEB: Oh he's withdrawn, he's depressed. KAREN: Well the doctor did say mood swings were pretty common after a heart attack right? DEB: Oh well, it's more than that. He just...he sits around watching TV. He won't do his rehab. I can't reach him. And, without Nathan around; I don't know who can. (Cue the shot of Lucas eavesdropping.) KAREN: (o.s) I'll see ya. DEB: (o.s) OK, bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Dan is still sitting in front of the TV, writing something down on a red book.) DAN: (Looking up as Lucas enters.) Lucas. LUCAS: Um...door was open. DAN: Wanna have a seat? LUCAS: Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go out. DAN: Um...not thanks. I'm not really up for it today. LUCAS: Listen, you said you wanted to rehab together; here I am. DAN: well maybe later. LUCAS: (Putting his foot down.) Today only. Take it or leave it. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREET - DAY] (Dan and Lucas are walking down the street. Dan is still finding it hard.) LUCAS: You think you can make it to the corner? DAN: Of course. (pause) You been shooting around at all? LUCAS: Some. You know, this isn't a race. You know, we can slow down if you want. DAN: Easy for you to say. LUCAS: What is that supposed to mean? DAN: Nothin. It's just...it's hard to be less than what you once were. You might not understand that. LUCAS: Yeah, I do. You know, I'm not sure I'll ever play basketball the same level ever again. Think about it every day. DAN: Nathan doing OK? LUCAS: You really wanna know? DAN: Yeah, I do. After all that's happened, he's still my son. LUCAS: He's good, you know. He and Haley are happy. He...really likes it at the dealership. DAN: (Stops walking.) My dealership? LUCAS: Yeah, uh, Keith took him on. I thought you knew. DAN: (Not pleased.) (Harshly) We're done here. LUCAS: Hey come on. It's not that far to the corner. DAN: I said I'm done. My health, my call. LUCAS: OK. Well let me at least take you back to the house. DAN: (Puts out a hand to stop him.) Lucas, go to school. (Turns and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL COLLEGE - BUSINESS 101 - DAY] (Karen sits at her desk with a laptop. Someone sits next to her.) MAN: So, Business 101 huh? You a business major? KAREN: I'm not sure yet. It's uh, my first college class. MAN: Are you taking it with Hargrove? This guy's tough. KAREN: Really? (Worried) How tough? MAN: I heard he shot a guy, it 'B' school, just to watch him die. KAREN: You're kidding? MAN: Yes. (They laugh.) Well about him shooting someone. Not about him being tough though. Good luck. (He picks up his briefcase and heads to the front.) Morning folks. My name is Andy Hargrove, (Karen looks at him shocked.) welcome to my class. When I was twenty-one I made my first million with a B2B search engine. The next year, I tripled it and then I tripled that. Did an IPO, got really rich, cashed out and wound up here. Well there's a couple of hangovers in this side trip to Nepal between there and here but that's not important right now. (A few murmurs from the class, Karen smiles.) OK. (Claps his hands) Let's talk about...(Grabs a chalk and begins to write 'greed' in the board.)...greed. Can't run a business without it. Anyone disagree with me? (Karen puts her hand up.) There's one in every class. OK. So, what's your name? KAREN: Karen, and granted, I run a small café but I've found that if your treat people well, they come back. If you price things fairly, if you make a...quality product; you don't have to be ruthless to be successful. HARGROVE: Does uh...does anyone agree with her? (Karen looks around but nobody puts their hands up.) HARGROVE: Well that's too bad coz she's right. Guy co-look, I know that this class is titled Business 101, but I like to think of it as Zen Business. Who here wants to do well? (Everyone puts their hand up.) HARGOVE: Everybody. Who here wants to do good? (Karen smiles and they all put their hands up again.) HARGROVE: Coz there's absolutely no reason why you can't do both. And since I'm the teacher, let's just presume I'm right about that for now OK? Alright so uh, everybody flunks today's lesson, except for Karen. (points to her.) (Karen looks shocked as he smiles at her. There is the distinct impression that he is flirting with her in front of the entire class.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (A speeding BMW nearly mows Lucas over. He moves just in time. The drives races into Brooke's parking space. She gets out angrily.) BROOKE: (To Lucas.) Are you OK? LUCAS: Yeah, unless we're both dead. BROOKE: Hey buddy! That's my spot! (She stops as she sees it's the pool boy.) What are you doing here? You're the pool boy. FELIX: You (points to her.) no (Waves a finger at her.) park (Imitates a wheel) here. (He smirks, laughs and walks off.) LUCAS: Do you know this guy? BROOKE: No. I've just seen him naked! (Gestures and gets back in her car.) (Lucas looks between the pair.) FADE OUT: COMMERCIAL SET: [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Brooke runs in her heels.) BROOKE: Pool boy! Wait up! FELIX: Running and gunning baby. You gotta keep up with me. BROOKE: You speak English(!) FELIX: Figured we wouldn't get very far if you kept trying to speak Spanish. BROOKE: Who the hell are you anyway? Hey! Buddy these are two hundred dollar shoes (Grabs his arm) don't make me speed walk! FELIX: I'm your new neighbour which makes you, the girl next door. And in the movie, she was a p0rn star. BROOKE: Ha, well I don't believe you coz if you were my neighbour, you'd know that house has its own pool. FELIX: I like yours better. Look, this thing between us, it's inevitable. BROOKE: What thing? (Gestures between them.) There is no thing. FELIX: Come on! We fight, we flirt. Maybe even slap me but eventually, we end up in the sack together so how bout we skip the anger and cut right to the s*x? BROOKE: How bout we cut right to the slap? FELIX: OK. It's part of the s*x. MOUTH: Hey Brooke. Who's your friend? BROOKE: He's no friend of mine. (Shoots him a dirty look and walks away.) FELIX: (Watches her walk off.) Girl I love it when you're sassy! Haha. (Turns back to Mouth.) Oh how you doing man? (Shakes his hand.) I'm Felix; the new guy. MOUTH: I'm Mouth; the been-here-forever guy. FELIX: Right, so tell me something man; how's the talent around here? MOUTH: Sports? FELIX: Keeps up with me Mouth; women. The girls. How's the stock? Are they all like your friend Brooke? MOUTH: Oh um...I don't really... FELIX: Oh you don't know. That's OK. I need someone to show me around. You up for that? MOUTH: Sure, guess so. FELIX: (Checking out girls at random.) Great. Look here's the thing; we gonna act strong now. We're not gonna hurt anyone but we're gonna break a few hearts, it happens. They live, (Points to a girl) you learn. (Claps Mouth on the back.) Occupational hazard. Alright, who do you like that's available? MOUTH: Who do I like? FELIX: For me Mouth. OK? Don't be selfish. MOUTH: (Looks at some girls whispering.) How bout her? FELIX: (Eyes them.) Nah, too young. You wanna hit it, not baby-sit it. (Mouth nods.) Look, onto of that, I'm the new guy. I mean my game is strong anyway, but new guy status is hardcore. (They stop at Haley and Peyton.) MOUTH: Peyton, Haley. This is Felix. PEYTON: Hi. FELIX: How you doing? (Looks at Haley, he likes her.) HALEY: Hi, nice to meet you. (Shakes his hand.) FELIX: Girl, you are totally fine. HALEY: (Laughs stonily.) Dude I'm totally (The smiles fades.) married. (Shows her ring.) FELIX: (surprised) Really? (Looks at her stomach.) Who's the father? NATHAN: (Approaches from behind) Little close aren't you? FELIX: Oh, guess it's you. (Nathan and Haley turn and leave.) MOUTH: She's not pregnant but they are married. FELIX: Yeah yeah, I saw the ring. Guess she likes poor guys. (Smiles at Peyton and walks away.) PEYTON: (To Mouth.) This should be interesting. (Pats Mouth and leaves.) MOUTH: Yeah! MOUTH: (v.o) So I showed him around and he seems pretty cool. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DUSK] (Lucas, Fergie and Mouth are there shooting hoops.) MOUTH: His family, they move like almost every year. FERGIE: Witness protection? MOUTH: Uh-uh, doctors without borders. They've been all over the world. His parents are opening up a private practise over here. NATHAN: (Walks onto the Rivercourt.) Who we talking about? MOUTH: Felix, the new guy. LUCAS: You met him? NATHAN: Sort of, he was hitting on Haley. (Lucas shoots a basket.) (Concerned) I thought you weren't supposed to be playing. LUCAS: Hey look, a little pick-up every now and then aint gonna kill me. Wanna run? NATHAN: I was on my way home. Got a tonne of studying to do and I gotta work tomorrow. (Catches a basketball.) One shot. (He aims, he shoots, he scores.) Yes(!) LUCAS: How's work anyway huh? Boss not riding you too hard? NATHAN: No man, Keith's cool; a lot cooler than my dad ever was. It's kind of weird how...my closest contact with him now is a cardboard cut-out. LUCAS: Oh yeah, listen, I may have screwed things up...for you, with Dan. He asked about you...and I kinda...mentioned the dealership gig. NATHAN: (Smiling) But you talked to him? LUCAS: Yeah. (pause) Look, your mom's having trouble getting him to rehab. So I figured maybe I'd...give it a shot. If that's cool with you. NATHAN: Honestly; after everything you know about the guy are you sure you wanna let him in? LUCAS: (pause) You know, when Dan had his heart attack, I figured; well that's it. You know, we're never gonna know each other. But...he didn't die. So it kinda makes me wonder if-if I don't take a chance now, will I regret it someday? NATHAN: You do what you need to do man. You should know who he is. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Dan walks into the kitchen, talking to someone.) DAN: I want you to fire Nathan. Name over the front door still says 'Dan Scott Motors'. KEITH: (walks into the kitchen behind Dan.) As long as I'm running things, I'm gonna make hiring decisions as I see fit. You know, word is you actually got a heart in your chest Dan; why don't you try thinking of Nathan. DAN: You know Keith, if Nathan can support a wife, he'll never realise what a colossal mistake this marriage is. KEITH: He's emancipated Dan! (Softer) That's his mistake to make and if you want him fired, then you're gonna have to look him in the eye and do it yourself when you come back to work. Until then...he stays. (Close in on Dan's face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] FELIX: It's all attitude Mouth. It's gotta work with the vibe you got. MOUTH: (Laughing) Geeky and shy are not a vibe. FELIX: Packaging my man; you're not geeky, you're sensitive. You're not shy, you're mysterious. (Laughs and opens his locker.) Girls love that. Anybody special you looking to impress? MOUTH: (Looks at Brooke.) Nah, nah, I'm just um...you know, I'm playing the field. (Lucas approaches.) LUCAS: Sup Mouth? (Pats him on the shoulder.) MOUTH: Hey Luke. (They bang fists.) LUCAS: (To Felix.) Run anybody over today? FELIX: I feel you man. It's hard when the big dog comes to town. (Lucas smiles annoyed.) Not sure where you stand anymore. I get that. Hang tough bro. (Punches his shoulder.) It gets easier. (He watches Brooke and Peyton approach.) (To Brooke.) Still mad? BROOKE: (Loses her smile.) (Snarks) Still here? FELIX: (Laughs and then eyes Lucas.) So what happened between you and Brooke? Or was it Peyton? Tell me it was both at the same time. (Lucas looks at Felix like he wants to punch his face in. He looks at Mouth accusingly.) MOUTH: (Defensively) Dude, I never said a word. I swear. He's got like...psychic super powers. FELIX: (Giving Lucas a disturbing look.) Nah...I just been in eighty schools in the past ten years. You learn how to read people. So; Brooke? Peyton? LUCAS: We're all just friends. FELIX: If that's your story. (Walks off.) MOUTH: (Uncomfortably) Um...see you later. (Follows Felix.) (Lucas watches Mouth and Felix.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Haley walks in tired. Nathan comes up behind her.) NATHAN: How much do you love me? HALEY: Do we get the car?! NATHAN: Close you eyes. HALEY: (Confused) It's a car in our apartment? NATHAN: Haley, come on. HALEY: Come on, let m-alright alright, I'm closing my eyes. NATHAN: Alright, come here. (He turns her around) Wait a second. HALEY: Wha-uh. NATHAN: Wait a second. (Stop her in front of a huge keyboard on a stand wrapped in red ribbon. Haley opens her eyes, expecting to be surprised and stops dead.) (Uncertainly) You love it? HALEY: (pause) (Turns to him.) What did you do? NATHAN: Now you have something to compose on. HALEY: But you were going with Keith to look for a car. NATHAN: Yeah we did but Keith said it was no good so...(Points to the keyboard.) HALEY: (Emotionally) Oh. (Turns back to it.) (Tearfully) Nathan um...you have to take this back. (Walks into the bedroom. Nathan stares after her.) NATHAN: You don't like it. HALEY: Of course I like it. It's beautiful. But we need a car. NATHAN: Haley, we can get a car anytime. HALEY: With what?! Magic beans? I mean. Look, I know. I know you've never had to deal with money before but things are different now. You can't just go out an-and buy a...keyboard because you feel like it! We agreed on a car! NATHAN: Haley! You are a really good musician! OK? I have a feeling about your music. It's gonna take you places. HALEY: (Turns back to him.) It means a lot to me Nathan. It does but what is gonna take you to work? NATHAN: Alright, you know what; I was just trying to do something nice for you. OK? HALEY: Fine. You wanna do something nice for me? Get us a car like we talked about. (Leaves the bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LINGERIE STORE - DAY] HALEY: It's a beautiful gift but...we worked so hard to save that money. (Hangs some lingerie up.) BROOKE: Hales, boys are clueless. I swear to you, I'm thirty years away from giving them up for good. PEYTON: (exits the changing cubicle in a black and white suit with jeans on.) OK, so, what about this? Does this say...'let me promote and all-ages club night'? BROOKE: No. Not enough skin. Try...this. (Throws a small top that matches the suit at her.) (Peyton sighs and re-enters the cubicle.) BROOKE: (Picks up a bra.) Oh god. That much for two doilies and a piece of wire? (She puts it on the mirror.) HALEY: You're not gonna try it on? BROOKE: Not today. PEYTON: (Sticks her head out.) Not today? Brooke Davis, this is a shopping day you will never ever get back again. (Throws the suit top at her. Brooke makes a face as she catches it.) Hey listen, if you're still waiting on your ATM card, I can front you the cash. BROOKE: Nah, it's cool. My dad just...spaced a deposit to my account. PEYTON: OooKay! (Pulls back the curtains. She is wearing a black top and black, with white stripe, jacket.) BROOKE: Ah, now we're talking. If this band manager is a guy, you are golden! HALEY: You know, speaking of guys, can we just do five minutes on this Felix person? (Brooke is disgusted.) PEYTON: Yes! He is hot and totally vibing on you married girl. No wonder Nathan's jealous. HALEY: It's kinda weird, I've-I've never had anything like that happen before. BROOKE: OK, but guys, how can he make Nathan jealous? This boy is repellent! I mean he's been here what, five seconds and he's already butting in everybody else's business, bossing people around and acting like he owns the place, come on! (Haley and Peyton laugh.) BROOKE: What!? PEYTON: Earth to Brooke, he's you...in pants. BROOKE: (Throws a pink top at her.) He in not! HALEY: (laughs) Kinda is. BROOKE: Argh! Argh I hate you both! (Looks at the bra and laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVER WALK - CAFÉ - DAY] (Karen is sitting outside a café, putting sugar into her coffee. Andy Hargrove comes up behind her.) HARGROVE: Any verdict on college yet? KAREN: Well my teacher's a little unorthodox. And younger than I expected. HARGROVE: Ahh, so you're one of these ah, maturity...likers. (Karen gives him a look. He laughs.) Sorry, I suck at grammar. KAREN: So, why did you pick me out of the class? I mean you-ah, always find somebody to torment? HARGROVE: I like to find the student who can give me a run for my money. KAREN: Ah, which is a lot of money of my google search is correct. HARGROVE: (pause) Yeah, it is. KAREN: What kind of guy cashes in on a fifty million dollar business? HARGROVE: A guy who wasn't happy. Oh no look I mean I-I started with a small business you know? Like your café and uh...I got bored, I took some risks, business picked up and when I hit fifty million, obviously I realised I could just...coast on that forever. (pause) What's the point you know? No getting challenged. KAREN: And teaching is that challenge for you? HARGROVE: Yeah. Yeah, scares me to death. I just know that one of those weasels in the front row is gonna ask me a question that I can't answer. So what about you? You ever thought about growing your business? KAREN: Oh sure. I even drew up expansion plans but it was never the right time. HARGROVE: Never is you know. Just gotta figure it out ask you go along. But if you ask me, the object of the game is to make a difference. (Karen nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STUDIO - DAY] (Peyton is badgering the manager of a band.) PEYTON: OK, all I'm saying is that a lotta kids would support live music if they had a night of their own. Now you manage more than one band. OK, so if you would just work with me on this, I know we could get a club owner to agree to try it out. MANAGER: Look. My band doesn't play to kids. We play to shot and beer crowds, not high school proms. PEYTON: OK but what I'm saying is that an all-ages club could work in this town. MANAGER: Sorry, no dice. I'm just not interested. (Two artists come into the camera shot.) ARTIST 1: Swear to god, this is the last time I hire a singer off a flier at Kinko's. ARTIST 2: You know nothing, absolutely nothing about music man. I went to Berkley ass-face; studied a little something called composition. You might want to look into it. ARTIST 1: Yeah I will, the next time I look in the audience and they're ignoring us. PEYTON: (laughs) Plant and Page. ARTIST 2: Have we met? ARTIST 1: Who's this? PEYTON: I was in the crowd the night that you guys played together the first time. ARTIST 1: (looks) Go on. PEYTON: There were what, like twenty people in the crown that night? But your energy was...I mean it was so real! You know, you guys looked like you were gonna explode up there on stage but that's what made it work. That's the tension that made Led Zeplin work and it's the same tension that sets your music apart. ARTIST 2: The Key Club. PEYTON: Um-hum. ARTIST 1: That was a good night. PEYTON: Well...yeah, they could all be good nights if you guys would just quit your bitching and...focus on what matters. But then again, what do I know you know I'm just a kid. But if I were you guys I'd put my energy into the music otherwise...you'll be lucky to play at the high school prom. (Waves to them as they leave. She looks at the manager.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY] (Dan is checking through a maroon convertible.) DAN: Hey, thanks for coming back. (Lucas appears in the shot.) Sorry about the crappy mood the other day. Shouldn't have taken it out on you. LUCAS: It's cool but if it starts to become a habit; find yourself another trainer. New car? DAN: (Polishing it.) Dealership. I like to drive all the new models so I can tell the customers what they're getting. Problem is, the doctors won't let me drive yet. (Looks at Lucas.) You mind? LUCAS: Mind what? DAN: Taking it for a spin. Tell me how she handles. Any kind of feedback would help. We can stop somewhere along the way and do some rehab. You game? (Lucas looks away laughing, trying to say no.) Lucas, I can barely take a walk without gasping for air right now. At least I have my work. (Takes the keys.) You'd really be helping me out. (Holds them up for Lucas to see.) (Lucas looks at the car trying to contain his excitement. He holds his hand out. Dan drops the keys into it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STUDIO - DAY] MANAGER: The job doesn't end getting the band you know? You gotta take care of them. You gotta be part cheerleader, part babysitter, part therapist. (Holds up a beer but Peyton declines.) PEYTON: It's no problem, I can handle that. MANAGER: What I'm saying is...you gotta look after all their needs; food, drink, drugs. (Peyton stops, shocked.) PEYTON: Um, drugs? MANAGER: Oh don't worry, I'll set you up with the guys I buy from. (Places a square of glass on the table and takes out the drugs.) They're reliable. I mean, they're drug dealers, you don't wanna mouse it or anything...(Peyton really doesn't want to do it.)...but...they won't burn you. (Splits the drugs with a blade.) I got a good sense about people. You're young but you...might be worth the risk. (Holds up a rolled dollar bill for her to inhale it through.) PEYTON: (Uncomfortably shaking her head.) No thanks. MANAGER: Here's your shot kid. (Pushes the glass to her.) What do you say? (Camera freezes on her troubled face.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton enters Brooke's bedroom while she's painting her toenails.) PEYTON: Brooke? (Brooke looks up tearfully.) What's wrong? BROOKE: I just keep screwing up this toe. (Rubs at it with cotton wool.) PEYTON: (coaxing) Brooke. BROOKE: You know how I told you that my credit card got declined because the bill got paid late? (Peyton nods. Brooke shakes her head.) It's a load of crap. PEYTON: Well what happened? BROOKE: (crying) I'm broke. (Peyton's shocked.) My dad's company went under and...doing this stupid bankruptcy thing and my mum's telling me we might have to sell the house. PEYTON: God Brooke. I'm so sorry. BROOKE: Yeah me too. I love being rich, I'm good at it. PEYTON: So is that why Felix is getting under your skin? Coz he's...the rich guy next door. BROOKE: I dunno, maybe. PEYTON: Brooke, its just money. You know. There is so much more to you than that. BROOKE: Yeah but that's my favourite part. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. How was your meeting? PEYTON: (pause) It's not gonna work out. BROOKE: Really? PEYTON: (Shakes her head.) Um-um. BROOKE: I'm sorry. PEYTON: Yeaaah...me too. (Smiles at Brooke.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROAD - DAY] (Dan and Lucas are in the car, driving along a deserted road.) DAN: Guns and Roses, Whitesnake, Metallica, Aerosmith. LUCAS: (laughs) Please tell me you're kidding. You didn't actually listen to metal? DAN: Even had my own spandex. LUCAS: (Groans loudly.) Man that is not a vision I wanted to have in my head. (They laugh.) (Felix pulls up next to them in his BMW.) FELIX: Lucas right? LUCAS: (pause) Yeah. FELIX: Nice wheels. LUCAS: (Wishing he would leave.) Thanks. You know you're on the wrong side of the road right? FELIX: Yeah I know. Wanna air it out? (Revs his engine.) LUCAS: (Turns to Dan and smiles, shaking his head.) Maybe some other time(!) FELIX: Come on. Race your for that girlfriend. What's her name? Brooke? (Revs his engine again.) LUCAS: (Coldly) Ex girlfriend. FELIX: Which was inevitable once I got to town. Don't hate the player; hate the game. (Revs his engine.) DAN: Hey, tell me you're gonna wipe the smirk off that punks face. Come on, my T-Bird coulda taken him. (Lucas glares at Felix, guns his own engine and off they go. Lucas starts off behind Felix.) DAN: Go go go go go go! Woah! (Felix stays in the lead, looking at Lucas in his rear view mirror and smirking. Lucas moves to the side to overtake. Felix sees and moves in his way, Lucas moves to the other side.) FELIX: (laughs) (Dan's annoyed by the cut off and sighs. Lucas puts him flip-flopped foot down on the gas and the car goes up to 80 mph. Lucas pulls up level with Felix and Dan grins cockily at him.) DAN: (Laughs as Lucas overtakes.) Woah! (Lucas moves in front of a pissed Felix. Felix moves to the side, level with Lucas again and suddenly they're playing 'chicken' with an oncoming truck. Lucas looks to Felix, the truck and then back at Felix, realising that he's not going to move.) LUCAS: What the hell are you doing?! FELIX: Come on chicken! (laughs) (Lucas doesn't know what to do.) Yeah baby! (Finally, Lucas slows down. The truck beeps and Felix moves off the wrong road. They both pull to a stop and Lucas bangs on the wheel annoyed.) DAN: You did the right thing. LUCAS: (nods) Yeah. FELIX: (Walks up to them.) Don't sweat it. (Nastily) Chicken's not for everyone. (Lucas shakes his head.) Who you got riding shotgun? LUCAS: Uh...this is uh...(Doesn't know what to say.) Uh, this is my- DAN: Dan Scott. Scott Motors. When you're ready to trade up, come on down to the dealership. (Felix smirks and walks off.) (Lucas shakes his head, trying to explain.) DAN: (laughs) We probably should get going. (Lucas smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Karen opens the door to Deb.) KAREN: Hey. DEB: Hi, uh, the printer dropped off the proofs for the new menu, I-I wasn't sure if you were coming by the café today so... KAREN: (Looks at them.) These are great. DEB: Yeah. (Looks at the plans of extending the café.) What's this? KAREN: Café expansion plans from million years ago. DEB: Oh. KAREN: I was gonna add a bar. DEB: (They sit.) Why didn't you go through with it? KAREN. Ah, you know, the timing was never right. I was...busy all day at the café and I didn't wanna give up my nights with Lucas too. DEB: Are you reconsidering? KAREN: I'm writing a business plan for class. A start-up for a new venture. The more I play around with these fake companies, the more I'm thinking...maybe it shouldn't be just an exercise. I'd always hoped to branch out some day. Is that nuts? DEB: No, not at all. In fact, I'll be one of your investors. KAREN: (Shocked) You don't even know what I'm proposing. DEB: But I know you and I know how hard you'll work. Ah besides, what's life without a few risks. (Laughs and looks at the plans again. Karen smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LINGERIE STORE - DAY] (Brooke is back in the lingerie store. She picks up the bra she was looking at before and, looking around, slips it into her bag. She walks to the door, straight through the barcode detectors and sets the alarms off.) ASSISTANT: Excuse me! (Brooke turns around looking exceptionally guilty.) ASSISTANT: I need to check your bag. BROOKE: (Takes her bag off her shoulder.) OK. Sure. ASSISTANT: (Looks in and pulls out the bra.) What's this? (Felix comes up beside her.) FELIX: It's a birthday present, for me. She's shy about buying stuff like this. But hey, I guess that's part of the turn-on right? (Brooke, trying to look like it's not news to her.) I would have come in to check it out sweetie. (Puts his arm around her shoulders.) BROOKE: I was just...gonna take it outside to show him. FELIX: Blue's perfect, that's your colour. We'll take it. (Turns the assistant away so that he can pay for it.) (Brooke leaves the store.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY] (Lucas skids to a halt smiling.) LUCAS: (Turns off the engine and takes the key out.) I gotta admit...it's a great car. DAN: (laughs.) (seriously) You want it? LUCAS: (pause) You can't buy me. (Gets out of the car.) DAN: Come on Lucas, it's not like that. (Gets out of the car too.) This is what I do for people I care about. LUCAS: (Doesn't believe Dan.) What, you care about me now?! You don't even know me! DAN: I want to. More than you know. We both know I owe it to you. LUCAS: (Laughs, hurt.) You almost had me, you know that? Shame on me, right? I mean I actually (pause) enjoyed a day with you. (pause) Till now. (Walks away.) (Dan looks down. He's blown it.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [EXT. OUTSIDE THE LINGERIE STORE - DAY] (Felix approaches a despondent Brooke holding a paper bag.) FELIX: Some town you've got here. (Laughs, looking her up and down.) I mean, all the relationships are inbred. One of the hottest girls get married, if that's even legal and the rich girl shoplifts for kicks. (Shakes his head.) BROOKE: What were you doing in there? FELIX: I needed the new catalogue. Besides, you meet the trashiest girls in lingerie shops. BROOKE: Look, I don't...I mean I've never done anything like that before. FELIX: Well clearly. You suck at it. Have fun? BROOKE: No(!) It's just (Pause. She's not gonna tell him.) It was a mistake and I'd like it to stay between us. FELIX: I can keep a secret. BROOKE: Promise? FELIX: You'll just have to trust me. BROOKE: I don't know you well enough to trust you. FELIX: You will. (Holds up the bag.) You might as well have it. I'm planning on seeing you in it soon. BROOKE: (Snatches the bag away.) Not a chance in hell(!) (Looks at him appalled and leaves.) FELIX: You're welcome Winona. (Brooke waves and he watches her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY] (Nathan gets into the maroon convertible, pulls down the eye guard and the keys drop down into his hand. Dan comes out.) DAN: You weren't even gonna come inside and say hello? NATHAN: (avoiding) I'm working. We got a call to pick up the car. DAN: Oh sure, you're working. You're emancipated now right? Course your old man still sets the table. NATHAN: I gotta get back. DAN: Hey, I had a heart attack. I coulda died. NATHAN: Dad, we both know that's never gonna happen. You can't jerk anybody's chains if you die. (Looks at him. Gets ready to leave.) DAN: OK, just wait. Let's just talk. NATHAN: Bout what? DAN: I dunno. How's your wife? (Nathan looks as him mom steps out of the house and looks at them.) NATHAN: Lot happier than yours. (Starts the engine and pulls out. Deb walks back into the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT SERVICE ANNEX - EVENING] (Nathan is sweeping the floor.) KEITH: Hey Nate, come here, I wanna show you a couple of the basics. (Nathan puts down the broom and walks over.) Alright, you see this battery clamp? Well, if it gets corroded, then the current can't get through to the starter and then you get that ah, that noise when you crank it. NATHAN: Yeah the (Makes a very embarrassing screechy noise.) noise. KEITH: And everybody thinks it's a big deal but it's not. You just, uh, (Picks up a wire brush.) you just clean it, with a wire brush and...you're good to go. NATHAN: That's so cool(!) My dad never taught me this stuff. He didn't want me to be- (Stops when he looks at Keith.) KEITH: He didn't want you to get grease under your fingernails like me. (smiles) NATHAN: Look, that's my dad Keith. That's not me. KEITH: So how did it go at the house? NATHAN: Uh...pretty much what you'd expect. As a matter of fact, I think I had so much fun, I'm gonna go back tonight and I'm gonna disappoint Haley some more. KEITH: Haley didn't like the keyboard? NATHAN: Oh no, she liked it, she just wanted it to have four wheels and a trunk. KEITH: Huh. (Smiles and then thinks about something.) I think I might be able to save your marriage. (Shot of a pretty beat-up car.) What do you think of this? NATHAN: I think it was probably a pretty sweet ride back when dinosaurs ruled the Earth. KEITH: (laughs) Yeah, I was gonna sell it for parts but, you know, we could work on it together. Fix it up and...then you can have it. NATHAN: So it's like a family project? KEITH: Yeah, you bet. (Throws a rag on it and the side falls off. They look at it, bewildered.) We'll fix that. (Nathan smiles happily.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT (which will now be called the JAMES-SCOTT APARTMENT) - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Haley is playing on the keyboard. The ribbon is still on it. Nathan enters. Haley gets her keys wrong and mopes.) NATHAN: If I'da known you couldn't play any better than that, I wouldn't have bought it home. (Haley smiles and begins to say something.) I wanna apologise. Alright? That was your money too. HALEY: Oh it's not that Nathan. I totally overreacted. Partly because I love this gift and I love you for getting it for me. But partly because we just can't be as careless as we used to be. Not if we wanna make this marriage work. NATHAN: I know, you're right and...I don't know the first thing about managing money, it was just always around. HALEY: (laughs) Yeah well...at least you don't have that problem anymore. NATHAN: (laughs) Hales. (pause) I want you to keep this keyboard. OK? You have a talent, you need to use it. HALEY: Nathan I- NATHAN: We're keeping it. (smiles) Besides, there's an old car that Keith said I could fix up. HALEY: (astounded) He's gonna help you?! NATHAN: Yeah. HALEY: (Looking open-mouthed at the keyboard.) Oh! I really wanted to keep it! (Hugs Nathan.) Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Dan is looking through some old pictures of Nathan and some not-so-old ones of him in basketball gear. He smiles.) DEB: He didn't wanna see me. DAN: He didn't wanna see either of us. (Deb looks down.) Remember when he was little? I used to take him to work with me on Saturdays. He'd have to get up early but he didn't mind. He wanted to hang out with his dad. (Deb smiles.) Now I'm thinking it was all a lie. What if I spent my life chasing the wrong things Deb? Success, money, respect. What if it turns out none of it matters because I lost my family along the way? (pause) (Looks at Deb searchingly.) Can I get it back? Is it too late? DEB: (Lost) I don't know(!) (Puts her hand in his.) (Dan stands, kisses her on the head and leaves the living room.) FADE TO BLACK: [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton is sitting in her chair, harshly drawing. It's a picture of the manager offering her drugs. The speech bubble on it says 'Here's your chance, kid whaddaya say?'. Her phone rings. The last time we saw that phone was when Brooke was taking a picture of Peyton's behind so either they have the same phone or the show has used it on two different people and hoped we wouldn't notice.) PEYTON: (Answers) Hey Karen, what's up? WIPE TO: [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Peyton and Karen are in the hall which held Nathan and Haley's party.) KAREN: You know it was such a good...space for Nathan and Haley's party? And I think, it would make a great club. (Peyton's getting it.) The only thing is, I'm gonna need someone who can run...my all-ages night. (Peyton stands shocked.) You had a great idea Peyton and I know you'd be worth the risk. What do you think? PEYTON: (Looks around amazed.) WIPE TO: [INT. SCOTT RESDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Dan sits in the armchair and looks off at nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is looking at an Aerosmith CD.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Andy Hargrove walks into the café. It's deserted except for Karen.) HARGROVE: I'll give you a thousand dollars...for a decent cup of coffee. (Karen looks at him and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - THE POOL - EVENING] (Brooke is skinny-dipping in her pool. She looks up.) BROOKE: You're right. (She gets out and Felix gives her a towel for our innocent eyes' benefit.) BROOKE: My pool is better. (She holds it to her front and walks off, not bothering to cover her behind but the camera doesn't go that low.) (Felix looks and smiles, probably his first normal one ever.)
Plan: A: Brooke's new neighbor; Q: Who comes to Brooke's rescue when she is caught shoplifting? A: his presence; Q: What does Brooke's new neighbor quickly make felt among the Tree Hill gang? A: their first post-wedding argument; Q: What happens when Nathan buys Haley a gift instead of a car? A: a much-needed car; Q: What did Nathan fail to buy Haley after their wedding? A: Lucas' attempt; Q: What attempt to help Dan with rehab ends in disaster? A: disaster; Q: What happens when Dan reverts to his old ways? A: his old ways; Q: What does Dan revert to when Lucas tries to help him? A: an all-ages club; Q: What does Peyton try to organize? A: cocaine; Q: What drug is Peyton tempted to try to seal the deal on his all-ages club? A: The Rolling Stones; Q: What band did the episode "Cocaine" come from? Summary: Brooke's new neighbor quickly makes his presence felt among the Tree Hill gang and even comes to Brooke's rescue when she is caught shoplifting. Nathan and Haley have their first post-wedding argument when he buys her a gift rather than a much-needed car. Lucas' attempt to help Dan with rehab ends in disaster when Dan reverts to his old ways. Peyton tries to organize an all-ages club and is tempted to try cocaine to seal the deal. This episode is named after a song by The Rolling Stones .
[ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier comes into his booth. Roz, standing in the other booth, sees him come in, but turns away.] Frasier: Oh, Roz... how are you? Roz: Still pregnant. Frasier: Look, I-I'm sorry about last night. I tried to apologize, but you ran out of the party so fast. Roz: Oh, I'm sorry! Was that rude? You know more about etiquette that I do. What is the proper length of time you should stay after someone announces to a hundred strangers that you got knocked up? Frasier: I tried to call. Roz: I know, I wasn't answering. I was up all night thinking about what I want to do. Frasier: Yes, I suppose a decision of that magnitude would take many sleepless- Roz: I'm having the baby. Frasier: -hours to make. Are you sure, Roz? Roz: I know it seems quick. But even when I was hoping I wasn't pregnant, I knew if I was, I was keeping the baby. Frasier: Well, then let me be the first to congratulate you! Roz: Oh, thanks. [They hug.] Frasier: Oh, Roz, oh God, that's so wonderful! You're gonna make a great mom! Roz: Well, I did the first part pretty well, and I wasn't even trying. Frasier: So, have you told the father? Roz: Yes, I called him at nine o'clock this morning, which was seven o'clock at night, Cairo time. Frasier: Is that a pertinent fact, or are you just trying to impress me with your mastery of time zones? Roz: I mean he moved to Cairo, working on a project. He's an architect. Frasier: Oh. Well, when's he coming back? Roz: He isn't. [off his surprised look] But that's perfectly fine with me. I'm perfectly comfortable raising this baby by myself. Frasier: And... I'm sure everyone around here will give you plenty of support. [Bulldog comes in to grab some carts.] Bulldog: So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet? [laughs] Roz: That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us? Frasier: Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident. [Frasier leaves.] Bulldog: Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is. Roz: Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home? Bulldog: Yeah... what about it? Roz: Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew- Bulldog: No, whoa - I don't believe this. I don't even remember us- Roz: Now calm down, Bulldog- Bulldog: No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking. Roz: Look, we don't have to get married right away- Bulldog: Oh, man! Oh, man! [He paces, chewing his knuckles. She caresses his back.] Roz: I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring- Bulldog: Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz. [He leaves the booth. She smiles as yet another round of their never- ending gamesmanship goes to her.] [Scene Two - Apartment Martin is reading the paper in his Armchair. The doorbell rings.] Martin: Someone at the door! [Daphne comes out of the kitchen laden with plates and silverware.] Daphne: Really? So that's what that funny chiming sound means. I'm a little indisposed here, would you mind? Martin: Oh sure, sorry, Daph. [calls] Hang on, she's coming! Daphne: [putting the plates down] You take it easy, rest up for that big trek to the dinner table. [She goes to the door and opens it to Niles.] Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: Daphne, before I even come in, I just have to say I am mortified by my behavior last night. Honestly, I don't know what got into me. Martin: About a quart of vodka, for starters. Daphne: There's no need for an apology. I thought what you did was very chivalrous. Niles: Well, I happen to believe that if a woman finds herself in such a predicament, a man of honor has an obligation to step forward and do the right thing. Daphne: Now poor Roz really is in that predicament. Niles: Do I smell chicken? [Frasier comes out of the kitchen.] Frasier: Yes, Niles. We'll be serving dinner just as soon as Roz gets here. I didn't think she should be alone this evening. Daphne: How's she doing? Frasier: Oh, O.K., I guess, considering she's decided to have the baby by herself. Martin: Boy, things have really changed since my day. Back then, if a girl got in trouble, her family would send her away to relatives in another state, and if anybody asked, just lied and said she went to Europe. Then when she came back, they'd raise the baby as a little sister. Not like today - we had morals and values back then. Niles: I always assumed I'd have children, but if Maris and I don't reconcile soon, the issue will be moot. She's a tad older than I am, and her biological clock is winding down. Frasier: Luckily, she flies to Zurich twice a year to have it reset. Daphne: Babies are wonderful, but Roz does have a tough road ahead of her. Niles: It can never be easy balancing a career with motherhood. Martin: Well, the big question is where's she going to find a husband? I mean, a little kid needs a mother and a father. [Doorbell.] Frasier: That's Roz! Just remember, she came here tonight to have a quiet little evening, not to be reminded of the difficult situation she's in. We'll just take our cue from her. If she doesn't bring it up, we won't discuss it! Agreed? [Everyone agrees.] Frasier: Daphne, you may answer the door. Daphne: Well, thank you! [goes to the door] Why don't I just get a feather duster and a French maid's uniform? Niles: That would teach them, wouldn't it, Daphne, and I would pick it out for you! [Frasier gives him yet another "knock it off" bat on the arm. Daphne opens the door to Roz.] Daphne: Hello, Roz. Roz: Hi. [Everyone greets Roz warmly.] Frasier: Dinner's almost ready, make yourself comfortable. Roz: Thanks. [She hangs up her coat and purse, and sits on the couch. Silence.] Daphne: So... that's such a cute skirt. Roz: I just got it. [Silence.] Martin: I just got these pants. Roz: They're nice. [Silence.] Roz: I got some interesting news! Well, last night, I - and a large portion of Seattle - found out I was pregnant! Don't you guys want to ask me about it? Daphne: Sure, we all do! But we were told not to. Martin: Yeah, Frasier's afraid we might say something to make you uncomfortable. Roz: Oh, that's silly. I want to talk about it. I'm really excited, I'm going to be a mom! I've got a lot to do. I'll tell you one thing I'm gonna need, pronto- Martin: A husband! Roz: I was going to say a bigger apartment. Martin: Oh. Well, maybe the husband'll have one. [Frasier comes out with some appetizers.] Daphne: So, how did the father take it? [off Frasier's glare] Don't worry, she brought it up! Roz: He actually took it really well. He's not going to be that involved, though. He moved to Cairo. Niles: Where would he have moved to if he'd taken it badly? Roz: No, he's working in Cairo on a project, he's an archaeologist. Daphne: Oh. Frasier: Roz, can I get you a drink? Roz: O.K., do you have any mineral water? Frasier: Yes, I have eight different kinds. Why don't you come into the kitchen and pick one? [Roz gets up and follows Frasier into the kitchen.] Martin: Yeah, he's got room for eight different kinds of water in that fridge, and I have to keep my can of spray cheese under the sink. [In the kitchen, Roz pours herself some mineral water.] Frasier: You know, this morning you told me the father was an architect. Roz: I did? Oh, that was a slip of the tongue. Frasier: Ah. And, uh, how did you two meet again? Roz: In a bar. Frasier: This morning you told me it was on a double-date. Roz: Oh, that's right, it was! It was on a double-date. Frasier: This morning you told me nothing! [Roz flinches] What is going on, Roz, you're obviously hiding something. [Niles comes in] Niles, please, would you excuse us? Niles: Oh, by all means. I just came in to open a bottle of wine. [takes one down] Sorry. [leaves] Frasier: All right, what's going on? Is it that you don't know who the father is? Roz: Of course I know! Frasier: Well, then why don't you tell me? Roz: I haven't even told him yet. Frasier: Oh? Roz: And I'm not sure I'm going to tell him. It's a little complicated- Frasier: Look, Roz, I don't care who the father is. The man has a right to know that he's going to have a child. Roz: Frasier, this really isn't any of your business. Frasier: Yes, well, it's certainly his business. You have an obligation to let this man know that you're having his baby! [Niles comes in again] Niles, do you mind? It's impossible to have a conversation here with you constantly eavesdropping. Niles: I don't know what you two are talking about, but I resent the implication that I have nothing better to do than to spy on you like a nosy teenager. I came in for a corkscrew. [gets it and walks out] Frasier: Oh Niles, I-I'm sorry- [In the living room:] Niles: All I could get was that she hasn't told the father yet. [Martin shakes his fists with frustration, Daphne just licks her lips at the scoop.] [Scene Three - Café Nervosa Frasier gives his order to Rick, the young counter waiter.] Frasier: Double latte, please. Rick: Coming right up. I'll bring it to your table. Frasier: Thank you. [Frasier goes to his table. Roz comes in.] Frasier: Morning, Roz! Roz: Frasier? What are you doing here? Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life. Roz: You had a dental appointment! Frasier: Well, I rescheduled it for tomorrow. Roz: Thanks for telling me! Frasier: What's going on? Roz: All right, [lowers voice] I came here to talk to him - the father, yes. Frasier: Really? Well, I'm proud of you! Roz: Well, thank you very much, now get out of here! Frasier: All right, just wait one second. [Rick brings his coffee] Excuse me, may I have that to go, please? Rick: Oh sure, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Thank you. Rick: Hey, Roz! How you doing? Roz: Fine, thanks. Rick: Well, what can I get you? Roz: Uh, I'll have a decaf. Rick: Be right back. [Rick goes to the counter.] Frasier: He's a nice kid, Rick. Roz: Yes, he is. Frasier: Working here to put himself through school, right? Roz: Yes, he is. Frasier: He's the father, isn't he? Roz: Yes, he is. [And with that, Frasier leaving is out of the question.] [END OF ACT ONE] [SCENE_BREAK] [ACT TWO] LET'S SEE ALEC GUINESS BLOW UP ONE OF THOSE [Scene Four - Café Frasier and Roz sit back down at his table.] Frasier: The father of your child is a teenager! Roz: Well, of course he is not a teenager anymore! He had a birthday three weeks ago! Look, uh, you know, we just went out for a couple of weeks, and then it was over, there were no hard feelings. It is a little embarrassing, though, him being seven years younger than I am- [off Frasier's look] oh, put your eyebrows down! I've seen your driver's license, and you don't weigh no "One-Seventy!" Now you know what I'm talking about. I don't want to ruin his whole life. Frasier: He still has a right to know. Roz: I know that. But it's not gonna be easy. When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated? Frasier: In my case, I would have been mystified. Roz: How do I even begin to tell him? Frasier: Yes, something like that is never easy. [Rick brings their coffees.] Rick: So, Roz, what made you switch to decaf? Frasier: Then again, sometimes a natural opening does present itself. Roz: I'm just trying to stay healthy. Listen, Rick, I've been trying to call you, but your number wasn't working. Rick: Oh yeah, I'm not in the dorms anymore. Roz: Oh, you got your own place? Rick: No, I moved back in with my parents. Roz: Frasier, isn't that your dad over there waving to you? Frasier: Oh yes, of course. My dad is over there waving to me. [turns and sees Martin in the doorway] Oh look - my dad's over there waving to me! [Martin sits at a corner table. Frasier goes over. Rick sits down with Roz.] Rick: So, you look incredible. Roz: Thanks. [At the other table:] Frasier: Dad, what are you doing here? Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some foundation garments. Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now. Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies. [At the first table:] Roz: So, I have some news for you- Rick: Oh, I've got some news too! You remember I was telling you about that Junior Year Abroad Program? I'm in! I leave next fall and I will be spending the rest of the year in Paris! Roz: Oh, I'm so happy for you! Rick: Yeah, I'm thinking, first my soccer team wins the championship, then I ace my finals, now I'm going to Paris! I'm wondering, "What next!" Roz: Funny you should ask... [Frasier is trying to watch Roz, but Martin is trying to get his attention.] Martin: I'm telling you, there's something in my eye! Frasier: I don't see anything. Martin: Are you sure? Frasier: I don't see anything! Martin: Well, you're not even looking! Frasier: [reaches his hand out] Well then, here, let me- Martin: No, don't touch! Don't touch! [Frasier turns to see Rick get up and storm out of the café.] Frasier: Listen, Dad, I've got to go talk to Roz, just go into the bathroom and wash it out with cold water. Martin: Oh, yeah, I'm sure glad I worked all those extra shifts to put you through medical school, it really paid off! [Martin goes to the bathroom. Frasier walks over.] Frasier: Roz? Roz: Don't worry, I told him. Frasier: How'd he take it? Roz: Well, he was pretty freaked out, actually. But I assured him that I didn't need anything from him, and I was going to raise the baby by myself. Anyway, he's gonna be fine. [checks her watch] Oh my God, I'm late for a doctor's appointment. Frasier: Are you gonna be all right? Roz: Yeah. Frasier: Can I take you to dinner tonight? Roz: Oh, thank you, Frasier, that would be nice. Frasier: O.K. [He kisses her cheek, and she leaves. Martin comes back.] Martin: Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the men's room, correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen. Frasier: Yes, I noticed. Martin: I mean, who'd have that much time on his hands? Frasier: Unbelievable. Martin: It was Niles, wasn't it? Frasier: I'll talk to him again. [Scene Five - Roz's Apartment Roz is sitting on her bed looking at a sonogram picture. Someone knocks.] Roz: It's open, Frasier. [Rick comes in with a bouquet of roses.] Rick: Hi. I'm sorry, I probably should have called first- Roz: No, it's all right! I'm just kind of surprised to see you here. Rick: I'm kind of surprised to be here. Oh, these are for you. Roz: [takes the flowers] Thank you. Rick: There was a card, too, but it kind of blew off on the way over here. I rode my bike. [Roz absorbs yet another reminder of how young he is.] Rick: I acted like an idiot today. Roz: It's O.K.- Rick: No, it's not! I mean, when you told me, all I could think about was myslef and how it was going to affect me. Then I started thinking about you, and the, uh... Roz: The baby. Rick: Right. That's the other reason I'm here. I'm not going to Paris. I'm not going anywhere. I'm quitting school, and I'm going to work at the Café full time! Roz: So you've come to tell me you've lost your mind. Rick: No. I came here to ask you to marry me. [Roz is overwhelmed for a moment.] Roz: Oh, Rick... that's so... wrong. Rick: Oh yeah, that's right! [kneels down] Roz, will you marry me? Roz: No, no! The proposal was fine, it was lovely. Rick: Listen, I have been thinking about this all afternoon. I could fall in love with you. I could be a good husband, and a good father. Roz: Rick, that's the whole point of being twenty. You could be anything. I'm much older than you, I am things. Rick: I'm not too young for this! You know, my mom was only seventeen when she had me. Roz: [worst one so far] Your mother's only thirty-seven? Rick: Yeah. And, boy, would you two hit if off! I mean, you have a lot in common. In fact, you sort of even look like- Roz: Stop right there! Listen, your proposal was so sweet. It's my first, actually. Rick: Yeah, mine too. Roz: Oh... I hope that you can understand why I can't possibly marry you. When I get married, it's going to be to someone I love, and to someone who loves me, and someone who can legally drink champagne at my wedding! [Rick realizes that's her final answer.] Rick: O.K. I understand. [notices picture] So, is this-? Roz: Yeah, it's the sonogram picture. It came this morning. [shows him] Right there. Rick: Wow... that dot's my kid. Roz: No, that dot's just a dot. That dot's your kid. You can have it. And I could send you photos, updates, that sort of thing? Rick: I would like that. Thank you. Roz, are you sure-? Roz: Yeah, I am. I think this is the right thing, for you and for me. Now go. Go to Paris! Go learn, go have fun! Just don't come back wearing a beret! [They go to the door. He hugs her.] Rick: O.K. Take care of yourself. Roz: You too. [She brushes his shoulder as he leaves. She closes the door goes to the kitchen to put the flowers away. Someone knocks.] Roz: I said go! Frasier: [o.s.] But I just got here! [Roz runs back and opens the door.] Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier, come in! Frasier: [coming in] I ran into Rick in the hall. Roz: Yeah. He asked me to marry him. I said no. Frasier: Well, that was very sweet of him. [From the kitchen, a kettle whistles.] Roz: Oh, I was just making some tea, do you want some? Frasier: Yeah, sure, thanks. With milk, please. [she goes to the kitchen] Well, you've had quite a day, haven't you? You all right? Roz: I'm fine. Frasier: You know, it's O.K. to not be fine. Roz: Is it O.K. just to be O.K.? Frasier: Yeah, sure. [She comes back with a tea tray.] Frasier: Thanks, Roz. [notices] Oh, oh, this milk's expired. Roz: Oh. [reads] Whoa, it has. Frasier: It's O.K., I can drink the tea straight. [She takes the milk toward the kitchen, then stops.] Roz: I had no idea I let this milk expire. Frasier: It's really all right, Roz. Roz: [breaking down] I can't take this. Damn it, how could I let this happen?! Frasier: Are we still talking about the milk? Roz: Don't you see? Milk is a staple! I let a staple go bad! Good mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I be responsible for a child when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids need milk! Frasier: Roz, if it helps, kids don't even drink milk for the first year. Roz: Oh, see? I didn't even know that! [She collapses onto her bed.] Frasier: I didn't know that either until I was a parent. Roz: Don't you understand? I have to know everything. You can know half of everything. You can know about the milk, and Lilith can know about the booties and the snugglies- Frasier: You never met Lilith, did you? [He sits her down on her bed, and sits opposite her on the doorstep.] Frasier: Just forget the milk, and forget the tea. Talk to me. Roz: I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life... Frasier: Yes, but it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed, and you look around and you realize that the entire house has changed. Roz: I know. I want that. But, God, the responsibility... Frasier: Well, yes. But it's all worth it. You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful? Roz: Isn't that Bulldog? Frasier: Well, technically, yes. [they laugh] Roz, I'm going to tell you something I didn't find out until I became a father. You don't just love your children... you fall in love with them. Roz: Oh my God... I'm gonna have a baby. Someone is gonna cry out for "Mom" and it's gonna be me! [laughs, then cries] I'm really scared. What if I can't do this by myself? Frasier: But, Roz, you're not all by yourself. I'm here. Roz: Oh, thank you, Frasier. [hugs him] Frasier: And I'll be available for you whenever you wish, from taking you out to dinner tonight, to that moment in the delivery room when you say, "Welcome to the world little Jimmy," or "little Sally," or... dare I hope "little Frasier?" Roz: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna be sick. Frasier: I guess I got a little carried away there. Roz: No, I mean I'm gonna hurl! Frasier: Oh dear God! [She runs to the kitchen.] Frasier: I'll wait here! [Scene Z - Roz's Apartment Roz studies herself in the mirror. She takes a large pillow and stuffs it under the front of her sweatshirt, simulating a bulging belly. She thinks, "hey, not bad," and does a few dance moves, still every inch the swinging bachelorette.] [Getting into it, she takes another pillow and stuffs it down the back of her pants, anticipating the size of her rear end. She keeps dancing, then the force of what she's done hits her and she topples onto her bed crying.]
Plan: A: the Halloween party; Q: What event caused Niles and Frasier to be full of contrition? A: Frasier; Q: Who finds out that Roz has not told the father of her baby? A: Roz; Q: Who decides to keep the baby? A: the answer; Q: What does Frasier find by chance at Café Nervosa? A: Café Nervosa; Q: Where did Frasier find out that Roz had not told the father of the baby? A: a cheerful young waiter; Q: Who is Rick? A: college; Q: What is Rick willing to drop out of to marry Roz? A: his life; Q: What does Roz tell Rick not to ruin? Summary: Following the events of the Halloween party, Frasier and Niles are full of contrition. Roz decides that she will keep the baby, but after initially claiming to have done so, admits that she has not told the father. Frasier finds the answer by chance at Café Nervosa , while being served by a cheerful young waiter called Rick. When Roz finally tells Rick, he is prepared to drop out of college and marry her, but Roz insists that he not ruin his life and sends him away gently.
(Washington, DC. White House. Inside, meeting with the Senate Select Committee of Intelligence. Many senators have gathered around a table. One senator in particular, Sen. Townsend, reads several pages and looks up.) TOWNSEND: Exactly who is this Sydney Bristow and why should this committee's time be spent on her? EVANS: She's a double agent, Senator. A CIA asset, working undercover as an operative of SD-6. (Sydney runs through a forest, constantly looking back over her shoulder.) (Meeting.) EVANS: Last week we came into possession of that drawing from a manuscript belonging to Milo Rambaldi. TOWNSEND: Rambaldi. Ms. Evans, we've been all over this. (Sydney runs. Dogs barking, men shouting behind her. Coming closer. She runs faster.) (Meeting.) EVANS: Look at the partially decoded text, Senator. It's written by Rambaldi in reference to that woman in the drawing. (Townsend reads it.) (Man shouting, dogs barking, Sydney running. She scrambles over a fallen tree as they shoot at her. She runs and runs. At the edge of the cliff, she yanks on a rope on her backpack and jumps off. A parachute inflates. Sydney floats above the Cristo Redentor.) (Meeting.) EVANS: Sir, I understand your reluctance to invest our resources in this matter but I strongly suggest-- (Townsend looks up from the text he was reading, his face serious.) TOWNSEND: Dr. Evans. What do you need? (Los Angeles. Sydney sits in a park, writing on a paper bag to Vaughn.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Vaughn, I'm back from Brazil. I did what SD-6 wanted - got surveillance photos of someone they think might be The Man. (She walks and throws the paper bag in a garbage can.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I'll forward them to you as usual and wait for further instructions. (Vaughn walks in his office to see various people, including Dr. Evans, rifling through his desk and file cabinets.) VAUGHN: Who the hell are you? EVANS: Carson Evans, DSR. We have authorization. (She shows him a piece of paper.) (Devlins' office. Vaughn shows him the same piece of paper.) VAUGHN: The National Security Agency's investigating Bristow? DEVLIN: The Department of Special Research, yes. VAUGHN: Off the book, paranormal guys, because her picture was in a manuscript? DEVLIN: That's special access only. VAUGHN: I'm Sydney's case officer! DEVLIN: The loop is closed on this on orders from the DCI himself. VAUGHN: I don't care who issued the order. If the NSA knows something, I should, too. (corrects himself) We should, sir. (Devlin looks at him.) VAUGHN: Unless you already do. DEVLIN: Close the door. (Sydney drives up to the self-storage facility and walks in to see Vaughn.) SYDNEY: I got your message. If this is about the surveillance photos, I encoded them onto jpegs. VAUGHN: Forget the surveillance photos. SYDNEY: The ones that might identify The Man? The ones I nearly got eaten by a pack of dogs, trying to get? VAUGHN: You're being investigated by the DSR. SYDNEY: DSR? VAUGHN: Department of Special Research. And it was created during World War II to investigate Nazi interest in the occult. After the war, an executive order was signed, empowering them to investigate fringe science, uh, parapsychology, remote viewing-- SYDNEY: What do they want with me? VAUGHN: They want to know why your picture is in the Rambaldi book. No, I know it seems ridiculous. SYDNEY: It is ridiculous. VAUGHN: But your picture-- SYDNEY: A picture. Not mine. VAUGHN: Yeah, well, they don't think so. SYDNEY: They're wrong. VAUGHN: Look, they took my files. Everything I have concerning you. Now, at our next scheduled debriefing, they're going to bring you in for questioning. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. SYDNEY: This drawing is five hundred years old. Millions of women have looked like that. My mom looked like that. Maybe it's a picture of my mother. VAUGHN: Well, they don't think so. Your mother is dead and they have reason to believe the woman in this picture is still alive. SYDNEY: I don't understand. VAUGHN: DSR partially decoded text from that page. SYDNEY: And? What did it say? VAUGHN: Well, they didn't tell me, but apparently Rambaldi refers to future dates indicating this woman is still alive. The DSR is referring to this text by name. They're calling it "The Prophecy." (In a room with three doctors, Sydney sits at a table.) EVANS: I want to stress, at the outset, that this is not an interrogation. You are not the subject of a criminal inquiry. Our purpose is siimply to gather background information and I'd like to note for the record how much we appreciate your cooperation in this matter. Do you have any questions? SYDNEY: Yes. Just one. Are you really not going to tell me what this prophecy says? EVANS: I think we've been over that. SYDNEY: Yes, we have. Just not to my satisfaction. EVANS: Dr. Waterson? WATERSON: Yes. Agent Bristow... SYDNEY: Sydney's fine. WATERSON: Question one: What would be the next picture in this series? (She has a laptop in front of her. Various diagrams are shown.) SYDNEY: "D." WATERSON: Study this figure. (Sydney watches them write on notepads in front of them at her answer. Dr. Evans is leaning over the table, writing furiously.) WATERSON: If it was rotated a hundred and eighty degrees, it would look like which of the following? SYDNEY: "C." WATERSON: What is the next image in this series? (Behind the mirror, Vaughn stands, watching Sydney. Various monitors - one showing only Sydney's eyes - are around. An agent sits at a desk, monitoring the interrogation. Haladki enters.) HALADKI: Mmm. Love this tech stuff. VAUGHN: Haladki? (Haladki motions to the monitor showing Sydney's eyes.) HALADKI: It's like a thermometer. Heat form their eyes tracks brain patterns. VAUGHN: Hey, what are you doing here? HALADKI: My department got tapped to facilitate interagency cooperation. SYDNEY: "Q" and "7". WATERSON: You're in a forest. You come to a river. Do you cross it? (She watches them write. Evans crosses something out and writes something else.) WATERSON: Agent Bristow? Would you cross it? SYDNEY: I don't know. It depends. (Behind the mirror, Vaughn sighs, worried.) HALADKI: Gentlemen, if you need anything, I'll be in my office. (Ink blots. Sydney answers their questions, her chin propped up in her hand. Waterson asks another question. Dr. Evans watches and writes. Dr. Waterson lights another cigarette. Sydney answers more questions. They write. Vaughn watches anxiously. A picture is up on the monitor from the '50s, of a woman and younger girl in a kitchen with a mixing bowl and pie crusts around them.) WATERSON: What is going on in this picture? SYDNEY: The mother is teaching the girl how to bake. WATERSON: And what feeling does this picture invoke? SYDNEY: The girl doesn't like it. She wants to go out and play. (Evans writes. Vaughn takes off his jacket and throws it down. Haladki enters with a file.) HALADKI: We need to cut this short. VAUGHN: What is it? HALADKI: Sorry. "Need to know" only. (He whispers to the agent sitting at the desk. In the interrogation room, a large agent enters with the file and shows Waterson and Evans. Haladki watches.) EVANS: Would you be willing to come with us, please? SYDNEY: Why? EVANS: We have some physical examination we need to do. SYDNEY: Excuse me? DOCTOR: General tests. An MRI, lumbar puncture, blood work-- VAUGHN: (to Haladki) What the hell's going on? SYDNEY: No, no, I don't think so. EVANS: Agent Bristow. DOCTOR: It would be better for you to submit now. SYDNEY: I have been nothing but cooperative! I have answered every question you've asked, no matter how ridiculous. But that's as far as this goes! You want to touch me, you have to tell me everything starting with what this prophecy says. EVANS: I'm sorry. You don't have clearance for that information. SYDNEY: You are wasting your time taking this Rambaldi thing so seriously. There are real threats in this world. I have work to do. (She makes a move to leave but the large agent blocks her way.) SYDNEY: You move out of my way or I will make you move out of my way. (He looks at Evans over Sydney's shoulder. She nods. He moves.) SYDNEY: Thank you. (She walks out.) HALADKI: But... they're just letting her leave? (The door closes.) (At Sydney and Francie's, Will sits at the counter eating a bowl of cereal and reading the paper.) FRANCIE: Third row seats? WILL: Yep. Behind the Lakers bench. FRANCIE: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Near Kobe? WILL: Yeah. A friend of mine in sports has a contact in the front office so he scored them, free of charge. FRANCIE: I'm going to be sitting near Kobe Bryant? WILL: Yes. FRANCIE: Are you sure you're asking the right roommate? (Francie nods her head toward Sydney's bedroom. Sydney opens the door and walks out to them.) WILL: Look, as is sometimes painfully obvious, I know a little something about wanting something you can't have. (Sydney comes out, takes Will's spoon and eats some of his cereal.) WILL: So, for a couple of hours, you come with me and you forget about hating Charlie. FRANCIE: Sounds good. SYDNEY: Can I ask you guys something? WILL: Yes. SYDNEY: I had a dream last night about a fortune teller. He said he had a prophecy about me. FRANCIE: What was it? SYDNEY: I don't know, but that's the word he used -- prophecy. Does that sound good or bad? WILL: Prophecy? SYDNEY: Yeah. WILL: Definitely bad. FRANCIE: Yeah. Bad. (Sydney looks worried.) FRANCIE: Syd, who cares? It's just a dream. SYDNEY: I know. (She turns to Will.) SYDNEY: Thanks for breakfast. WILL: Mmm. SYDNEY: See you, guys. (She leaves.) (SD-6 conference room with Sloane, Jack and Sydney.) SLOANE: Using all available resources, we have finally tracked down the enemy who we no longer have to refer to as The Man. Thanks to the surveillance photos you obtained in Brazil, we have confirmed his identity. He is Alexander Khasinau. JACK: Khasinau was the recepient of the Sark communique reporting on the loss of the Rambaldi manuscript. SLOANE: Highly decorated former lieutenant colonel for the KGB, Khasinau went underground. He's long rumored to be a power broker for the Russian mafia in its affairs with rogue states in the international arms bazaar. SYDNEY: So, we're up against the Russian mafia? JACK: As a source of financing, maybe, but in terms of tactics, reach and sophistication, Khasinau's organization operates on an entirely different order of magnitude. SYDNEY: So, what's next? SLOANE: Nothing. After being identified, he moved his base of operations to an undisclosed location. He knows he's a target. The next move we make must be made with extreme caution. SYDNEY: So, no mission? SLOANE: Actually, I do have to ask you something. It's a personal favor. These last few days haven't been very good for Emily. When you came to the house, I hadn't seen her spirits that high in a long time. So, if you wouldn't mind calling her or perhaps paying a visit, saying hello... SYDNEY: Of course. SLOANE: Thank you. And when we know the right move to make with Mr. Khasinau, we'll make it. (Jack and Sloane leave. They enter Sloane's office alone.) SLOANE: I want Khasinau dead. The Alliance doesn't know what the hell it wants. They're having a meeting in London on Tuesday to resolve whether or not the Alliance should invest all the necessary resources to find and kill Khasinau. JACK: It makes sense. Members from the old Soviet bloc still control five of the twelve votes. They're cold warriors who prefer the paradigm of detente. They'll likely reject going to war with Khasinau. SLOANE: Those five men are cowards. All of them. Of the seven remaining members, there are only four that I know for certain who will vote in favor of aggressive action. JACK: Essentially then, three men control the outcome of this vote. SLOANE: Khasinau sent men into this facility. They stole from us. They killed some of us. There should be no vote in the first place. JACK: What's your strategy? SLOANE: Edward Poole oversees SD-9. He's one of the three swing votes. I'll start with him. (Cell phone rings in Europe. Poole, Edward Poole answers the phone while sitting in a gazebo drinking tea.) POOLE: Hello? SLOANE: Edward. POOLE: Arvin. Good to hear your voice. SLOANE: Yes, Edward. You, too. You, too. How have you been? POOLE: I think we've all been better. I'm seeing you on Tuesday? SLOANE: As a matter of fact, Edward, that's why I'm calling you. Your position on Khasinau... am I right in assuming that you'll be supporting a declaration of war against him? POOLE: I'm flattered you would think me so forgiving. But Khasinau must pay for what he's done, even if I have to take care of it myself. SLOANE: Good. Glad to hear that. Unfortunately, the Alliance is nearly split on this issue. Now, as far as I'm aware, there are two swing votes left: Oscar Dunst and Jean Briault. So, Edward, it's up to you and me to take the appropriate action. POOLE: What are you suggesting? SLOANE: I have personally seen what Khasinau is capable of and I will not let his aggression go unanswered. So what I'm suggesting, Edward, is that we do whatever must be done to ensure that this declaration of war be ratified. POOLE: Yes. I was going to wait and present this at the meeting... SLOANE: What's that? POOLE: Under the circumstances, I think I should come to Los Angeles. I have intel you should see. SLOANE: Good. POOLE: I'll be there in the morning. SLOANE: Okay. (At Sloane's, Emily and Sydney sit out in their garden. Flowers are everywhere. Sydney pours them some tea.) EMILY: Arvin's such a sweetheart, asking you to look in like this. SYDNEY: Well, I would've come anyway but I didn't want to bother you. EMILY: Not at all. You know, I really liked meeting your friend, by the way. Will? SYDNEY: (smiles) Yeah, he's a great guy. EMILY: I think he thinks you're pretty great, too. SYDNEY: He and I are just friends. EMILY: He's cute. SYDNEY: He is cute. I know it's been a while but I still feel guilty even talking about dating again. EMILY: It must be especially hard, doing what you do. (Sydney looks up, alarmed.) SYDNEY: It... is. It's difficult sometimes. EMILY: I mean working for my husband. SYDNEY: Oh. Well... EMILY: I know this has been difficult for Arvin. My illness. I look just like everyone else and I usually feel that way. The fact is, I won't be alive next Christmas. SYDNEY: Don't say that. You don't know that. EMILY: I do. For a long time, I ignored the pain but then one morning, over there, I... I collapsed. Woke up in the hospital. The doctor told me. Cancer. He said if I had seen him in the beginning, I probably could've survived. But there's a fear like nothing I've ever felt before. It comes over you when you know that there's something really wrong. (Sydney gets a flash of the Rambaldi drawing.) EMILY: For four months, I did nothing. I was so terrified of what I did not know. I was so terrified that I was paralyzed. (Sydney gets a flash of Evans, Waterson.) EMILY: And the longer that went on, the more terrified I got. Wanting to know the truth but being too afraid to find the answers. [SCENE_BREAK] (CIA building. Sydney walks in and opens the door to the private meeting with Devlin and the other DSR agents.) SYDNEY: Go ahead. Run all the tests you want. (Sloane's office. Edward Poole sits in front of his desk.) POOLE: What I'm about to tell you, you may find difficult to believe. Arvin, I know that, uh, Jean Briault is a friend. SLOANE: Yes. He is a friend. POOLE: A friend of yours, but not of the Alliance. (He shows Sloane a surveillance photo of Briault and Khasinau walking together.) POOLE: The other man in the photo is your friend Jean Briault. SLOANE: This only menas that Khasinau and Briault know each other. There's nothing more. (Poole opens a laptop and shows Sloane.) POOLE: On the lef tis a brokerage account in the name of Briault's wife. On the right, a holding company that Khasinau uses to launder money. As you will see, five deposits in excess of forty-five million were made into the brokerage account in the past three months. Arvin, I would not hav emade this trip if I did not truly believe that Khasinau had infiltrated the Alliance and that Briault was in his pocket. SLOANE: (stares at picture) No. I was in Chile with this man under Aliende. He recruited me. POOLE: Yes, well, on the other hand Briault's always seemed a good man and he has served the Alliance well so maybe we should just... gamble, do nothing, just play it out and see what happens. SLOANE: If this vote goes the wrong way because one of our members has been bought, it would mean the end of the Alliance. POOLE: But Briault, as you know, is a famously cautious man. SLOANE: A hit would have to be carried by someone who had access so that Briault would agree to meet alone. A friend. POOLE: If a hit occurs, yes. SLOANE: No. No. No. This can't be right. There's another explanation for this intel. So, I appreciate you coming here, this long way, with this information but... I can't believe that Jean Briault is a traitor. POOLE: Ah. No one hopes you are right more than I. (Meeting at the CIA. DSR and CIA agents gather around a long table.) DEVLIN: I'd like to formally welcome to Los Angeles, our friends from Washington. I have always had a fascination with the work of the DSR and although, uh, interagency cooperation is notoriously problematic, I don't forsee any difficulties while you're wroking here in our office. EVANS: I speak for everyone on our side when I say how much we appareciate your help in this matter. That said, let me pay you the courtesy of being blunt. To date, our request for files considerably more comprehensive than these have not been processed. DEVLIN: Those requests, Miss Evans, are being assessed. EVANS: The directive doesn't provide for assessments. DEVLIN: I don't mind you coming here and working with us but to-- EVANS: Let's just be clear. You don't work with us. You work for us. DEVLIN: To presume that you're in charge--we have protocols! EVANS: The directive specifies-- DEVLIN: This is my office! Yes, the directive gives you the authority to take her into custody, but Sydney Bristow is well placed. (Sydney is on her back, taking an MRI. She looks scared.) DEVLIN: (voice over) And she has provided us with valuable intelligence! (Back in the meeting.) DEVLIN: Now, I understand this so-called "prophecy" is interesting. (Sydney gets bloodwork done.) DEVLIN: (voice over) And that these times require us to be vigilant against any perceived threats to our national security. (Back in the meeting.) DEVLIN: But let's take a step back for a second. This is a five-hundred year old text. And based on that text, we are treating Agent Bristow like a lab rat. Now, I am all for being prudent. (Sydney rolls over on a hospital bed, on her stomach. A doctor wipes a spot on her lower back and inserts a very long needle. She gasps in pain.) DEVLIN: (voice over) But what you are doing, the way we are doing it, is absurd! We should investigate, yes, but not persecute. (Back in the meeding.) HALADKI: Excuse me. I understand that dissenting right now might not be the right move for my career track, but I need to say something. Steven Haladki, ma'am, Domestic Resources division. For months, I've been worried about Bristow. At first, my concern was simply that her handler, Michael Vaughn, was too emotionally involved, to which I still contest. But then I started getting concerned about Bristow herself. Look through her file. There are discrepancies. There are some significant questions. As an example, Bristow met with a Rambaldi disciple on the Alamfi coast at the exact time his death was prophesised. Now, after reading what Rambaldi's written about Bristow, excuse me, but I am terrified! DEVLIN: Haladki, you are assuming that prophecy is accurate and that he was referring to Bristow in the first place. HALADKI: Sir, let's say Rambaldi was wrong or that he was right, and it wasn't Bristow he was talking about. Fantastic! But that's why we're testing her, to see if she's got the phsyical anomalies that Rambaldi mentioned in the prophecy. It's like "666," guys. You see the writing on the kid's scalp, you know there's some problems at home. (At night, Sydney and Jack meet.) SYDNEY: Thanks for coming. JACK: Are you all right? I heard about the testing. SYDNEY: This prophecy. Do you know anything about it? What it says? JACK: No. But the DSR was close to a panic when they had only half of it deciphered. They cracked the rest of it this morning. SYDNEY: That's what I wanted to ask. They need a code key. Do they have the right one? JACK: The DSR spent years trying to decipher Rambaldi's work. The key they're using is one they reverse engineered. SYDNEY: If the DSR is misreading the text, they're going to take me into custody. Which would blow my cover with SD-6. And probably yours. JACK: You want Rambaldi's original code key. SYDNEY: If it exists. JACK: It does. But the agency won't go after it... for political reasons. SYDNEY: Dad, what does that mean? JACK: The code key is in the Vatican. (Jack and Devlin in Devlin's office.) JACK: Think about what this means for Sydney! DEVLIN: I understand that! JACK: Then doing nothing shouldn't be an option! DEVLIN: You're asking me to authorize an op that goes deliberately against the DSR's work! JACK: Then clasify it as recon! DEVLIN: Langley won't approve that! JACK: The DSR is being irresponsible and overreactive! DEVLIN: One thing you don't have to do is attack the DSR. Those bastards have just about taken over this office. JACK: Then this is the chance to prove them wrong! DEVLIN: Langley is watching us closely. JACK: Ben, it's a discretionary op. You're arguing semantics with me! (He softens a little.) JACK: If she weren't my daughter, Ben, I probably wouldn't be fighting for this. I understand this prophecy is special access but those who have it might be misreading that text. I'd go myself, but Sloane's headed to London and I'm overseeing operations at SD-6 while he's away. I don't have to tell you what an opportunity that is. So, Ben, I need your help on this. (Sloane's house. In their bedroom, at night. Sloane and Emily are in bed. Emily's arm is thrown across Sloane's body. She's sleeping peacefully, but he's wide awake, staring straight ahead. Moving Emily's arm off of him, Sloane gets out of bed and moves downstairs into a study. He picks up the phone and dials.) POOLE: Hello? SLOANE: Edward. It's Arvin. POOLE: Any news? SLOANE: We can't risk Briault. Please don't talk about this with anyone. Don't share your intel. POOLE: All right. SLOANE: I've decided to take care of our problem myself. POOLE: I understand. (Sloane hangs up. He rests his head on top of his arms, looking sad and alone.) (Self-storage.) VAUGHN: You're going to break into the Vatican? SYDNEY: The last thing I'm going to do while DSR is waiting for test results to prove I'm guilty of something I don't even understand is sit on my ass. VAUGHN: But the Vatican? SYDNEY: The secret archives. All I have is an inventory number. They don't know the form the code key is in and it's Rambaldi, so it could be anything. I called you because I need a parnter for this op. Someone I can trust. VAUGHN: We'd have to fly out separately, undercover... SYDNEY: Different airports in Italy. VAUGHN: Meet up in Rome. SYDNEY: We'd have to leave tonight. You in? VAUGHN: (shy smile) Yeah. I'll break into the Vatican with you. (Francie and Sydney's. Francie applies some make-up.) FRANCIE: Did you know his parents named him after steak? Kobe. They saw it on a Japanese menu. SYDNEY: No, I didn't know that. FRANCIE: He's the perfect guy for someone like me. Plays ball, and is named after food. (Will pokes his head in the bedroom door.) WILL: You know what would be excellent about leaving tonight? Is that we might actually get to see some of the game. FRANCIE: I'm not going half-done. WILL: She's obsessed. SYDNEY: (smiles) You think? WILL: So, um, did that thing come true? The dream? FRANCIE: The prophecy? SYDNEY: Not yet. I got to go. I got to make my plane. Have a great time at the game and I'll see you guys when I get back. WILL: Where's the world of international corporate banking take you to this time? (Pause.) SYDNEY: Boston. (In Rome, a van pulls up and Vaughn and Sydney climb out, wearing matching jumpsuits. They're posing as repairmen... repairwomen. Repairpeople. They go inside where a woman is singing opera in Italian and an old woman is instructing her. Vaughn and Sydney walk in but the old woman stops them and talk to them in Italian. Sydney talks back to her in Italian about the repairs. They start walking again but the woman stops them. Vaughn talks to her in Italian and she lets them go inside. They go down some stairs quickly.) VAUGHN: So, I was thinking, we're in Rome which is the same city as Trattoria de Nardi. SYDNEY: What's that? VAUGHN: Well, it's my favorite restaurant in the world. SYDNEY: Yeah? VAUGHN: Yeah. (Vaughn welds open a piece of the wall and removes it. They crawl inside and go down some stairs. They're walking down a tunnel with flashlights.) SYDNEY: So why is Trattoria de Nardi so good? VAUGHN: Well, it's only good if you like food. SYDNEY: Hey, did you know Kobe Bryant was named for a steak? VAUGHN: Yeah, actually, I did. Hey, you said the explosion will trigger the alarm... SYDNEY: Which is on a fifteen second delay. VAUGHN: And you said you could disarm it under twenty seconds. How far under twenty? SYDNEY: I work better under pressure. (They get out the explosives. Sydney sets it up.) VAUGHN: So, I was thinking, later tonight when we get the code key, maybe we can check it out? SYDNEY: What, the restaurant? VAUGHN: Yeah. Well, it's almost too good not to. SYDNEY: Unless SD-6 spots us there and has us killed. VAUGHN: Well, the food's so good it's almost worth the risk. (Sydney punches in some numbers on the explosives.) SYDNEY: Okay, it's set. Let's go. (They run a little way down, behind a wall and hide. Sydney clicks a button on the trigger.) SYDNEY: Ready? (Vaughn wraps his arm around her and shields her head from the blast. The explosion goes off. They move inside and move through the archives. They open a panel and Sydney disarms the alarm by cutting a couple of wires. They run through the room, looking through the various boxes. She sees the door with the right inventory number on it and they start taking off the door with the screws. When they remove it, they see it's a painting.) SYDNEY: This is Pope Alexander VI. Rambaldi was his chief architect. Rambaldi made habit of hiding his real work in ordinary things. The code is hidden in this painting. VAUGHN: We don't have time. We'll take it with us. (He takes out a knife and is about to cut it. Sydney's eyes get wide.) SYDNEY: Wait a minute. Give me the flashlight. (She inspects the painting closer and sees some writing on the frame.) SYDNEY: (reading) "Beginning with the eleventh letter, three rows of sixteen along the x axis and then another..." This is it. This is the code key. VAUGHN: All right. I got it. (He takes out a camera and starts taking pictures of the frame. They hear the door opening. Vaughn walks out and the guard stops him with a gun. The guard radios for help. Vaughn puts his hands up. Sydney comes from behind him and kicks him. She elbows him in the head.) SYDNEY: He was sending for back-up. We gotta move. (SD-6. Sloane's office with Jack.) JACK: I understand Poole was here. Is he with us? SLOANE: Where the hell is Sydney? JACK: I believe she's at the university. SLOANE: We just got word from Kleinhoff in Munich. There's a counterfeit page in Rambaldi's manuscript. JACK: Counterfeit? SLOANE: That's right. Page forty-seven. There's nothing on it. We had it tested. Doesn't match any of the other pages in the manuscript. Now, the number forty-seven had special significance for Rambaldi. In all his writings, page forty-seven had critical information on it. And I want to know why we don't have that page. JACK: I'll tell Sydney when she comes in. SLOANE: Her school is a liability, Jack. JACK: She's familiar with your opinion. Her education is important to her. SLOANE: Your daughter needs to re-examine her priorities. JACK: You're leaving for London a day earlier than expected. SLOANE: I believe we have the necessary votes. When I get back the Alliance will officially be at war with Khasinau. I want you to follow u with Kleinhoff while I'm gone. I want to know what happened to that page. JACK: Done. SLOANE: Tell Sydney that she and I need to talk. (In a Montreal park, Briault waits by a fountain. Sloane watches from behind some bushes with a gun and silencer in his hand. He hides the gun in his coat and walks out to greet him. The men hug and speak in French for a bit.) SLOANE: Look at us, Jean. Two old men. BRIAULT: I feel younger now than I ever felt when I was eighteen. With age, I've become more comfortable. SLOANE: Listen Jean, I want to apologize to you for asking you to keep this so secret but this business that we have to do is extremely sensitive. BRIAULT: Look, while I am intrigued, right now I am more interested in my new grandson. (He shows Sloane a picture.) BRIAULT: Eight pounds, nine ounces. He's big. (laughs) He has my chin. But he's better looking than me. Je l'adore. (Sloane stares.) BRIAULT: What is it? (Sloane gets up and shoots him twice in the chest. He throws the picture on his dead friend and leaves.) (London. Sloane walks into the Alliance meeting.) MAN: As you know, we have suffered another tragedy in what is already a difficult time. I would like to begin by observing a moment of silence for our friend and colleague, Jean Briault. (The men lower their heads. Poole and Sloane exchange looks.) MAN: We come together today to make a decision. Alexander Khasinau is our enemy. He and his operatives are a powerful force. Aggressive and brutal. But we have managed to co-exist with our opposition for years so the choice is clear. Either we choose to respond with force, equally sharing the burden of cost, manpower and equipment. Or, we choose to seek a diplomatic detente. So let us now vote. (The men vote. Sloane watches.) MAN: Six votes to five. We have resolved to reject aggressive action. (Sloane looks at Poole. Poole slowly smiles.) MAN: We will now seek, through our diplomatic channels, contact with Mr. Khasinau. Once those contacts have been established we will enter in discussions with him. And may I say that we shall keep our fingers crossed. (Outside on the steps, the men leave. Sloane catches up with Poole.) SLOANE: It wasn't Briault getting paid off by Khasinau, was it? It was you. You doctored the photos and you manipulated those accounts. POOLE: Arvin. You're upset. You lost a friend. SLOANE: Our conversations were never recorded. We talked on secure lines. I made sure I met Briault in secret. You used me. POOLE: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. SLOANE: I will repay the favor. POOLE: Give my regards to Emily. (Poole walks to a car and climbs in. Inside, Khasinau sits, smoking a cigar. Poole speaks in Russian to him.) (At a dock in LA, Vaughn drives up and gets out of his car.) VAUGHN: How was your flight? SYDNEY: It was okay. Have you sent in the pictures yet? VAUGHN: Yeah. And in a couple of hours we'll know exactly what Rambaldi wrote. The truth. Which is the only defense you need. SYDNEY: I need. VAUGHN: And they agreed to wait on decryption before taking any action. So why don't you go home and relax. This insanity's almost over. Next time we're in Rome, Trattoria de Nardi. SYDNEY: I'd like that. (He smiles, gets in his car, and leaves.) (Sydney's house. She walks in and sighs, and then sees a note on the fridge. "Syd, Will and I are at Zebu Lounge! You must come! No excuses! ~F") (Zebu Lounge. Everyone's dancing and having fun. Sydney walks in and smiles. She runs over to Francie and Will, who are dancing.) SYDNEY: Hey! FRANCIE: HEY! WILL: All right! (Hugs and kisses all around.) WILL: How was your trip? SYDNEY: It was great! Hey, how did your date with Kobe go? FRANCIE: Kobe was so purposely ignoring me, don't you think? WILL: I'm not going to be part of your delusions, okay? FRANCIE: Kobe so loves me! (They hug and dance some more. Sydney is dancing.) FRANCIE: I love this song! (Sydney dances around and smiles happily... until she sees three men standing in the background watching her. The doctors from the interrogation. Her face falls.) SYDNEY: You know what? I just remembered, I have a phone call to make to Hong Kong. I totally forgot. It's going to take me a while. FRANCIE: We might go to The Pantry! We'll wait for you! SYDNEY: No, no, no, you guys go on ahead. I'll catch up with you! WILL: You gotta come because she's really driving me nuts! FRANCIE: Shut up! WILL: I'm serious! SYDNEY: Okay! (She walks away and meets up with the three agents. They escort her out of the dance club.) (Outside, Sydney climbs into the back of the van and they sit her down. An agent starts chaining her ankles.) SYDNEY: Vaughn! (He's sitting across from her, next to Dr. Evans and some others.) VAUGHN: Sydney, listen-- EVANS: Pursuant to national security, directive 18A, you are now in the custody of the federal government. SYDNEY: What the hell is gong on? VAUGHN: I promise we'll figure this out. (The agents handcuff her hands.) SYDNEY: What about the code key we found? What happened? VAUGHN: The CIA had the same key. They broke the Rambaldi code correctly. SYDNEY: What? VAUGHN: Those medical tests you took, they were looking to match three specific anomalies Rambaldi mentioned: DNA sequencing, platelet levels, and the size of your heart. You match all three. SYDNEY: So what does the prophecy say? EVANS: "This woman here depicted will possess unseen marks. Signs that she will be the one to bring forth my works. Bind them with fury, a burning anger unless prevented at vulgar cost this woman will render the greatest power unto utter desolation."
Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Who is tested by the Department of Special Research? A: the Department of Special Research; Q: Who tests Sydney to discover her mysterious link to the Rambaldi manuscript? A: 500-year-old; Q: How old is the picture that Sydney is linked to? A: prophecy; Q: What is foretold in the Rambaldi manuscript? A: an eerie resemblance; Q: What does the drawing of a woman in the Rambaldi manuscript bear to Sydney? A: a blank page; Q: Where does the drawing of Sydney appear in the Rambaldi manuscript? A: the revealing substance; Q: What is in the vial that McKenas Cole tried to steal from SD-6? A: the identity; Q: What did Sloane uncover about The Man? A: , "The Man; Q: Who is the rogue group leader? A: Sloane; Q: Who learns that a close friend may be working with the enemy? A: Alliance of Twelve; Q: What group does Edward Poole belong to? A: Twelve member Edward Poole; Q: Who does Sloane learn that a close friend may be working with the enemy? Summary: Sydney is tested by the Department of Special Research to discover her mysterious link to a chilling 500-year-old picture and prophecy foretold in the Rambaldi manuscript. A drawing of a woman who bears an eerie resemblance to her appears in a blank page of the manuscript thanks to the revealing substance in the vial that McKenas Cole had tried to steal from SD-6. Meanwhile, after uncovering the identity of the rogue group leader, "The Man," Sloane learns through fellow Alliance of Twelve member Edward Poole that a close friend may be working with the enemy.
Opening scene - Seth and Ryan are at the Mermaid Inn. Ryan left his watch there and he is picking it up Seth: so then did you take your watch off during the deed or...what exactly Ryan: you wanna wait in the car? I can pick this up at the front desk myself Seth: no its cool I got more questions so then I don't understand did you take it off during foreplay, was it before foreplay now that would seem presumptuous but Ryan: no seriously, seriously you can stay in there turn the radio on, leave the windows up Seth: cause I like to leave the watch on Ryan an I like to leave it on an know how i'm doing...if i'm beating my old time (Ryan turns around and groans while opening the door) the thing is its sort of a s*x marathon not a s*x sprint Ryan: (to desk guy) excuse me, hi i'm the guy that called earlier about the watch that was left here Guy: uh room 204 right, yeah such a nice girl was stayin in there beautiful too (nods) your girlfriend? (Ryan doesn't say anything) Seth: ok that's a little awkward Ryan: no, no she's not but thankyou Guy: a girl like that you would be a lucky guy if you could (holds up watch) Seth: ok thankyou for your time, or his time. the timepiece thanks, thanks alot (they walk out) one day we're gonna look back on that an we're jus gonna laugh an we're gonna laugh some more we're gonna have a good laugh not at my timepiece joke, but at uh y'know the situation Ryan: i'm fine really I mean Theresa's back with Eddie where she should be right Seth: yes, absolutely listen man this is a good time for you ok Ryan Atwood this is 'clean slate Ryan', finally you have no women ta protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill poppin manic depressives Ryan: (frowns) I guess your right I guess I really do have a clean slate Seth: you do! dude since day one of you getting here its ben nothin but lady drama with you Marissa, Theresa...Luke, Oliver, Eddie dude i'm gettin exhausted jus thinkin about it Ryan: I am...kinda tired Seth: you should be but you know what your gonna get a break cause you deserve it, I think i'm gonna declare this month...angst free Ryan month Ryan: a month you think it's gonna last all month Seth: angst free Ryan week, with an option for an additional week, if you like it Ryan: (thinks) hm (smiles) ok thanks bud Seth: right on (taps Ryan) hey what's Luke doin here did you tell him about your watch (we see Luke standing outside the 'usual' room) Ryan: no, why would I? (Julie comes out of the door and kisses Luke goodbye, Ryan and Seth both see. they quickly get beside the car so they don't get seen and continue watching. Luke walks off and Julie slaps him on the butt as he goes. Julie goes back in. Ryan and Seth look at each other in complete shock) Ryan: it didn't even last the night Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Pool house the next morning - Ryan and Seth are still in shock over what they saw. Ryan is sitting on the end of his bed and Seth is sitting in the chair Seth: I can't believe they were at a motel...its just...it's so cheap it's so tawdry Ryan: yeah that's the real moral of the story here Seth: you know we're gonna have'ta see Luke at school today right (Ryan raises his eyebrows) (shakes his head) how could he do it...well I mean i get how he could do it its Mrs. Cooper but- Ryan: what about her, it's her daughters ex boyfriend (frowns) if Marissa found out... Seth: nooo she cannot find out, she doesn't handle the bad news well at all Ryan: so its gotta end before she finds out Seth: I agree...maybe you should sorta take the reins on this one, I would but I feel like its more your speed (Ryan looks at him) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy is making toast and Kirsten and Jimmy come in Kirsten: uh Sandy Jimmy's here Sandy: whoo hot, hot, hot, hey how're ya Jimmy Jimmy: we're screwed Sandy: oh good nothin like a little optimism in the morning Jimmy: i'm serious, opening day's right around the corner an we got no contractor no designer, when was the last time you took a look at the books Sandy: I don't that's your job Jimmy: well we've basically...blown through our entire budget (Kirsten looks at Jimmy) Sandy: well you're really not so good at managing the money are you Coop Jimmy: no i'm...really not Sandy: (looking at the books) ho-how did that happen Jimmy: uh construction, labor, permits Kirsten: oh wow (opens envelope) a letter from Hailey (reads) she's an aerobics instructor at club med in Turks an Caicos Jimmy: Turks an Caicos, oh Kirsten: unbelievable Sandy: that is unbelievable, Hailey got a job! Jimmy: so um I'm gonna spend the weekend interviewing designers...not that we can afford any of them. Julies gonna take Marissa so I can work Sandy: well I better get ta work so I can make some more money that you an I can lose Kirsten: uhhh so you want a designer on the cheap, how cheap...like free Jimmy: free is cheap Kirsten: (smiles) Julie Jimmy: (looks at Kirsten) no! no way! Kirsten: she's good Jimmy: (worked up) yeah at-at manipulating others an back stabbing, pot stirring an generally creating an atmosphere of hate an dis-trust Sandy: she did a hell of a job on the Newport group offices, they were elegant an-an tasteful, it was shocking really Jimmy: this restaurant is spose'ta be my oasis my happy place, a place ta...rebuild after Julie not (puts his hands up) she's not doin to the light house what she did to my marriage Sandy: well free is cheap Jimmy I mean what choice do we have CUT TO: The beach - Marissa and Summer are walking along the sand Summer: you asked me Coop an I think its best, you need some time off ever since i've know you you've had a boyfriend Marissa: (thinks) your right Summer: you need ta be independent or how else are you gonna find a new guy, you can't be with someone until you can be by yourself Marissa: hey I can be by myself Summer: an by yourself I mean still hanging out with me Marissa: (relieved, grabs Summer) ok good thank god (Summer laughs) Summer: what's goin on over here? Marissa: uh I don't know I guess there filming something Summer: (freaks out) oh my god! (jumps up and down) oh my god oh my (covers her mouth) god Coop! Marissa: what, what? Summer: its Grady Bridges Marissa: who's Grady Bridges? Summer: Jake Needleman, The Valley (Marissa still doesn't know) he is soooo cute Marissa: really, ya think? Summer: well yeah not in your traditional kinda way but he's hillarious, he's so funny I hear he like improvises all of his scenes...let's go say hi Marissa: w- I Summer: (drags her) be cool ok (they walk over to him) Summer: hey Grady (hugs him) we're your biggest fans, the Valley is my favourite show Grady: thankyou that's cool i'm glad you like it Summer: oh I love it, obsessed, addicted Marissa: so um what're you guys doing here? Grady: well, we are on what they call uh location which uh basically means that we're shooting a scene- well my character starts dating this girl from Newport Summer: (screams and covers her ears) don't you'll ruin it Grady: ok, ok gees (to Marissa) are you as obsessed as she is Marissa: hoh, oh actually i've never seen your (laughs) show s- (Summer hits her on the arm) Summer: (softly) Coop! Marissa: (rubs her arm) what (Grady laughs) Grady: see now that's funny Summer: (holds Marissa on the side) oh that was funny, that was funny, funny girl CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Seth are walking in the halls Seth: maybe there not having s*x maybe they jus go to a motel to spoon an watch Charlie Rose Ryan: you're right that's probably it (they see Marissa and Summer) Summer: (excited) oh my god you guys we have the craziest news ever, I mean nothing you could tell us could top this (Ryan & Seth look at each other) we met Grady Bridges! (they have no idea who he is) star of the Valley, the best show ever! (still clueless) ok anyways he invited us to his birthday party tomorrow night Seth: the start of a hit TV show invited you to his cool Hollywood birthday party (clenches his teeth) that is awesome Summer: there's no need for Jealousy Cohen, I could never date an actor (Marissa looks at Ryan, Ryan raises his eyebrows) Seth: really Summer: yes, I got us a couple an plus ones (smiles) Ryan: great Summer: (laughs) now I have ta go show everybody the pictures'a me an Grady, thank god I had my camera phone they are the autograph of the 21st century (walks off) Seth: (follows) photos Summer id like ta see his photos, why don't we share (Ryan smiles at Marissa) Marissa: so how's Theresa Ryan: uh she's...good she's back with Eddie Marissa: have you talked to her since she left Ryan: yeah we have but we uh, takin some time apart (Marissa nods) it's the best thing I guess Marissa: yeah (Ryan smiles) (bell goes) oh we should go Ryan: yeah (Marissa walks ahead and Ryan watches her, he looks worried) CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Sandy, Jimmy, Kirsten and Julie are in there. Julie is looking over the design possibilities Julie: (looking at photos) good light, exposed brick its a bit 80's but these trends are cyclical south-facing windows mm these floors could be sanded an the beams are rather oppressive ah...some white enamel could lighten it right up (turns to face the guys) ill do it Sandy: now...you know we can't pay ya Julie: oh y'know everybody has'ta start somewhere an the value it'll add to my portfolio alone will be worth it, it'll be my calling card (Jimmy rolls his eyes) Sandy: an we should get started, right away Julie: well you will have'ta pay for the floors the linens the silverware unless you want your patrons eating with their hands like Jimmy does Jimmy: oh happy place, happy place, happy place Sandy: how much Julie Julie: what'do you think Kirsten low 6 Jimmy: (shocked) what we don't have that kinda money, what're you-what're you skimming off the top Julie: no sweetie, that was you Sandy: oo Jimmy: oooh my my oasis is-is-is being violated my happy place is very unhappy right now Sandy: no calm down Jimbo jus breathe Kirsten: I could pitch in Sandy: no, no please I appreciate it I do but don't I mean it-it seperation'a church an state, th-this is my thing Jimmy: so what're you saying that uh this is your happy place? Sandy: (laughs) no Julie: Caleb could help Sandy: NO this is my happy place it's my oasis from the rich an insufferable Julie: it would be a good investment for him an the best thing that could happen'a you two Sandy: no it would be the wor- it would, no Kirsten please back me up Kirsten: he could be a silent partner Sandy: a silent assassin he would ruin everything he-he would put goulash on the menu Jimmy: well I don't think we have any choice, we can't raise that kinda cash in time Sandy: oh (Julie looks at Kirsten, both guys are very unhappy) CUT TO: Harbor school - Luke is playing pool in the student lounge and Ryan goes over to him Luke: hey man what's up Ryan: nothin...so did'you have s*x with Julie Cooper today (Luke goes to hit the ball and slips because of what Ryan just said) Luke: (shocked) wh-wh-wha Ryan: I saw you at the motel, what're you thinkin man, Marissa's mom! Luke: I know-I know I know what it- what that must'a looked like or seemed like but it's not like that (Ryan's not impressed) (softly) we've got a connection Ryan: yeah not anymore you don't...if Marissa finds out Luke: she won't Ryan: (scoffs) jus like she didn't find out about you in Tijuana, it's a small town people find out an then they talk, it's only a matter'a time (sighs) Luke: i've never felt this way about a girl- w-woman before Ryan: (glares at Luke) yeah I don't care, tomorrow Marissa's goin'ta LA you your goin ta Julies, its gonna end...you got it? its gonna end! (walks off) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Seth is watching episodes of the Valley, Ryan comes in Ryan: hey man what're you doin Seth: watching the Valley, I picked up the first season on DVD Ryan: yeah so I talked ta Luke (sits on the couch) Seth: would ya jus give me till like the end of the episode please Ryan: is that Grady? Seth: yeah Ryan: he's kinda like you Seth: what handsome an charming Ryan: no, geeky an sarcastic (Seth looks at Ryan, then at the TV and realises Ryan is right) Seth: (frowns) oh god he is like me, he is like me except with his own TV show Ryan: no I was kidding he's just a character it's not what he's like in real life Seth: (freaking out) no, no, no he improvises all his lines, that's totally him an he's totally me except...on a prime time soap and Ryan dude, if you could have the real me or you could have the TV me which one would you take, you'd totally take the TV me dude! we are not goin'a LA cause i'm gonna lose Summer to the real life TV Seth Cohen Ryan: (takes the remote and turns the show off) no-no-no we're goin'a LA we're takin the girls, Luke's breaking up with Julie while we're gone Seth: (suprised) you took care of it? Ryan: yeah Seth: oh well that's good (hits him on the arm) I told you you'd be back ta angst free Ryan in no time Ryan: hm (doorbell) ill get it (Seth puts the Valley back on and frowns at the TV) CUT TO: Cohen's front door - Ryan opens it and Marissa is there Marissa: hey (motions with her head to go outside) can we talk Ryan: uh sure (walks out) Marissa: so i'm not goin ta LA Ryan: what, why? Marissa: you know how you said sometimes time apart is the best thing...well I think time apart might be the best thing...for us Ryan: you do Marissa: since you showed up its ben...pretty intense good an bad but...intense (shakes her head) an I don't know maybe we jus need to be away from each other, independent (shrugs) for a little while Ryan: an you-you wanna start this independent thing today (sighs) Marissa: we both have clean slates, this is a good time for us ta be by ourselves (Ryan looks at her) so you go ta LA an i'm gonna spend some time with my mom (Ryan doesn't know what to say) see ya (walks off) (Ryan watches her go, worried again) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen the next morning - Ryan and Seth are in there Seth: so that was it? that's your big plan you had ta sleep on Ryan: if I don't go, Marissa will Seth: fine, except your going! Ryan: you don't even know if your parents are gonna let us go Seth: i'm gonna handle it Ryan: so your gonna lie to em Seth: no that was the old me I have evolved an now i'm a man of honour Ryan, so I need you ta talk to em (Ryan frowns) it's kinda more your specialty Ryan: it seems like your making alotta things my specialty these days Seth: yeah, well great leaderships all about delegation Ryan: so now i'm your employee Seth: nooo we're partners Ryan: (confused) what'da you do Seth: i'm working on the business plan ok an that's gonna be awesome, I just need you ta convince my parents, convince Marissa (Ryan raises his eyebrows) an i'm gonna supervise...god its so easy (walks out) Ryan: I should go inta business for myself (walks out) (they are now outside walking towards Kirsten and Sandy sitting at the table) Seth: (holding his hands like he's framing a shot) (gasps) we crane up through the bushes that's perfect, i'm sorry Ryan is it jus me or do my parents (emphasised) get better looking every day! Sandy: ah here we go Seth: (innocently) what Kirsten: ah-huh what'da ya want Seth Seth: mom cant a child just admire the beauty of his parents in the morning light (Sandy laughs) you don't look a day over perfection, also there's a party in Hollywood tonight Sandy: hell no Seth: why? Sandy: I don't have to tell you why i'm jus telling you no Seth: come on, do you see what you're doing here Sandy: I do Seth: I come in here an i'm tryin'a tell you the truth an establish a bond of trust here (Ryan is watching him in disbelief) I could've lied I could've easily said that I was goin ta-ta comicon (Kirsten looks at him) or an IMAX movie all these little devices at my finger tips Kirsten: I knew that you never went to the IMAX movie Seth: (sighs) (to Ryan) tag, you're tagged in Ryan: yeah ok uh it's just a birthday party we'll be home by midnight no drinking, no drugs no fighting Seth: see Sandy: alright now that we've covered the obvious, who's birthday Seth: Grady Bridges Kirsten: oh the guy from the Valley Seth: yes Kirsten: I love him, he's so cute Seth: yeah an you guys he can get any girl in the world he wants an right now he wants Summer ok I have'ta go (Sandy rubs his eyes) please I have'ta go (they all look at Sandy pleadingly, including Kirsten,lol) Sandy: you call when you get there (Seth throws his hands in the air, happy) an your home by 11:30 (Ryan puts his fists up and fakes excitement, he puts them straight down and folds his arms) an don't spend an extra minute in LA that town will steal your soul Seth: well right now it's about ta steal my girlfriend, I am the only thing that stands between Summer an a development deal so thankyou Kirsten: can you get me an autograph, oh your cell phone takes pictures right (Seth makes a clicking sound to say yes) Seth: (to Ryan) now all we have to do is convince Marissa Ryan: oh you gonna make me do that alone to Seth: hm Ryan we're business partners ok we serve different functions i'm the brains you're the braun i'm in the ivory tower, your down there on the streets makin it happen CUT TO: Julie's house - Marissa opens the door while on the phone, and Ryan is standing there Ryan: hey Marissa: uh call you back (hangs up) so when I said we needed ta spend some time apart I meant more then a couple'a hours Ryan: I know wait what's that (referring to the necklace thingy hanging from her finger) Marissa: oh Luke's puka shells I just found em, blast from the past huh Ryan: ah-huh ok here's the thing uh, not goin ta LA cause i'm not goin th-that's not independent (Marissa is listening) to be really independent we both need ta go to LA independently but together at the same time Marissa: ok you're starting ta sound like Seth Ryan: I know it rubs off, look I gotta go...Seth unsupervised in a big city Marissa: ok no, I get that Ryan: ok uh an I don't want you ta miss out cause'a me an you know we-we haven't had fun in a long time, this is gonna be fun Marissa: usually you don't think anything's fun, it's always me talking you into going Ryan: well people change an we're gonna be livin in the same town for a while right (Marissa half smiles) y'know goin'a the same school an we're friends yeah so...you know we're gonna have'ta do things independently, b-b-but together Marissa: your right (they look at each other) so you really want me'ta go Ryan: it's not about what I want it's about what you need Marissa: (laughs) ok... Ryan: (smiles) maybe, a little Marissa: (smiles) alright let me jus go get ready Ryan: alright cool (Ryan waits outside and Marissa closes the door, she leans against it sort of smiling, sort of thinking) CUT TO: Caleb's office - Sandy, Caleb, Kirsten, Jimmy and Julie are in there Caleb: so you need me hey Sanford Sandy: oh here we go Kirsten: dad Caleb: look you did me a favour now it's my turn to do one for you Sandy: don't do me any favours Jimmy: lets-lets hear him out ok Caleb: your chef, what's he done? Sandy: (sarcastic) nothin really TV dinners mostly,he he's terrible (Kirsten looks at Sandy, Julie is amused) Caleb: look I know when i'm not wanted Sandy: an yet your always at our house Jimmy: Marco was a sous chef at Aubergine he's fantastic Caleb: Aubergine that's a good spot Jimmy: yeah you know what he could prepare some meals for ya right away like uh tonight Kirsten: good thinking Caleb: uh no I cant i-im busy i'm-i'm having a-a business dinner with the board of the phil harmonic Julie: doesn't that include the editor an chief of Riviera magazine, the owner of the daily pilot, owner of the mighty ducks (Caleb nods) yeah well some of em use'ta be Jimmy's clients before well, you know Jimmy: point being there Julie Julie: (pointed) there the taste makers of Newport beach James, why don't you have Marco cook for all of them, you cant buy free publicity like that an if your gonna have a restaurant you gotta be able ta cook for alotta people Sandy: if your gonna have a restaurant you gotta cook for alotta people (to Jimmy) that's our mission statement (Julie rolls her eyes) Jimmy: Sandy we need the money we need the press Sandy: I know Caleb: good idea Jules Sandy: except for the fact that we just gutted the place, there's dust all over...there's no furniture Kirsten: we can do it at our house, we have the place to ourselves the kids are on their way'ta LA, its perfect CUT TO: Seth, Ryan, Summer and Marissa are stuck in traffic. Seth is driving, Ryan is next to him, and the girls are in the back Seth: oh my god we haven't moved in (looks at watch) its ben forever now, how'da people live like this, how do ya do it? Summer: mm I don't know its times like these I wish we had a chitty chitty bang bang Seth: I always wish we had a chitty chitty bang bang it's a flying car Marissa: (hangs up the phone) you know my moms never home anymore, she's always sending Kaitlin to my grandmas Summer: you know what it sounds like ta me, speaking as a child of divorce Marissa: you think she's having an affair (Ryan and Seth look worried) Summer: well when my mom started blowing me off its cause she started- Seth: (screams as a distraction) OH it's a flying car (looks) no that's my bad actually that's a plane uh-hm Ryan: (to Marissa) uh she's probably...just workin alot y'know Seth: a professional woman Ryan: yeah busy Summer: or gettin busy Seth: so who you guys ah thinks gonna be there tonight Summer: I hope Orlando Bloom, Legolas is soo hot Seth: right on i'm hopin for a little Natalie Portmant Kiera Knightley maybe Kate Bosworth myself (Summer hits him in the head) OW what its ok for you to pine over Legolas Summer: yeah he's an elf ok he saved middle earth, that is a huge part of European history Ryan: (laughs) (to Marissa) don't worry about it, tonight's gonna be fun (Marissa looks at Ryan, Summer looks at Marissa as if to say 'what's that about') Ryan: (softly to Seth) an Luke better get it done (sighs) CUT TO: The front of Julie's house - Caleb and Julie pull up in Caleb's car Julie: well see you soonishly Caleb: what about that date Juju? Julie: (smiles) lets jus see how tonight goes Caleb, I want you focused (Caleb smiles) (gets out) bye (Julie walks up to her door and Luke runs out scaring her) Luke: hey (Julie gasps) we need ta talk Julie: Luke, what if Caleb saw you Luke: (jealous) yeah what are you doin with him shouldn't he be washin his dentures or somethin are you guys back together Julie: oh don't start Luke: (hurt) what you were just using me until grandpa came back (Julie kisses him) Julie: ok I don't have alotta time Luke: ok but-but we'll talk after Julie: yeah, yeah come on (they go inside) CUT TO: Luna Chicks in LA - we see half naked girls dancing on the tables. Marissa, Summer, Seth and Ryan walk in Seth: (to Ryan) why would they let that heavy-set girl in? Ryan: that was a guy (Grady comes over) Grady: hey girls hey what's up, i'm glad you made it Summer: hey Grady: (takes their hands) hey c'mon I wanna introduce you ta some people Ryan: how does that guy play high school? Seth: (shakes his head) Hollywood man (we see shots of girl's pole dancing and doing coke. Marissa and Summer walk passed) Marissa: I thought it was a cliché young Hollywood doing coke with strippers Summer: you know I didn't even think they ate bread anymore Ryan: (to Seth) hey can I borrow your phone (takes it & walks off to get away from the noise) (Grady takes them to a table of guys) Grady: hey boys I want you to meet some people, this is Summer, Marissa and some guy Marissa: are they on the show? Grady: no, no this is team Grady right, (points) this is my agent, this is my manager, this is my lawyer, this is my publicist an then this is my producing partner Seth: you have a producing partner Grady: yeah we actually we control several properties man, you know we jus got the rights to the Golden Girls Summer: (excited) oh my god, no way! Grady: yeah, yeah we're gonna make it into a movie you know but we're gonna make the Golden Girls you know young an hot Summer: oh (Seth looks over to where Ryan is, he's on the phone) Ryan: Luke it's me I wanted'ta make sure you took care of it, take care of it (hangs up) (Marissa comes over to him) Marissa: hey Ryan: hey Marissa: so do you wanna meet the cast Ryan: not really, you? Marissa: yeah not really (Summer and Seth are following Grady, Seth has hold of Summer's hand and Paris Hilton makes them let go) Paris: excuse me Summer: well (Paris looks at Seth, and he looks at her, she smiles and Summer notices) Summer: (hits Seth) oh my god what is with you! Seth: ow what Paris: relax all you LA chicks are so lame Summer: we're not from LA we're from Orange County Paris: Orange County eww (Paris walks away and Seth smiles and waves. Ryan and Marissa were watching it) Ryan: glad to see we're not the ones fighting for a change Marissa: yeah i'm glad to see we're not one of those couples (Ryan looks at her) or any kinda couple Ryan: right, it's definitely better Marissa: yep (a stripper touches Ryan on the shoulder) Stripper: hey there having fun yet (she bends down and we see that it is Hailey, aka Kirsten's baby sister) Ryan: (shocked) Hailey Hailey: (just as shocked) Ryan Ryan: w-what are you uh Hailey: what are you- Guy: Hailey keep movin, couples pay extra Hailey: I...gotta go Marissa: wait- is that? Ryan: Kirsten's sister Hailey Marissa: does Kirsten know she's here Ryan: I doubt it, this is Kirsten's worst nightmare all she does is worry about Hailey come on CUT TO: Julie's house - Julie and Luke are coming out of the front door Julie: (rushing) i'm late, I thought we were only gonna do it once Luke: well can we talk now because I really need- Julie: can't now hun gotta go be with the adults, ill talk to ya later CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Sandy, Jimmy, Kirsten and Caleb are standing around the table talking to all the guests. Julie comes in late Caleb: Newport use'ta be a glamorous town, an escape for Hollywood stars like John Wayne, Robert Mitchum. the lighthouse could be our chance to bring those people back Sandy: now wait a minute Cal I don't think even the lighthouse can bring back The Duke (everyone laughs) Caleb: what I mean is, we think the lighthouse is step one in the renaissance of Newport for destination dining a magnet...for glitz an glamour an...well cash (Sandy raises his eyebrows) (everyone laughs) Sandy: (sincerely) look Jimmy an I view the lighthouse as a chance ta restore the restaurant to its former glory you know its-its jus somethin from Newport for Newport Kirsten: we think it can be a bit of both, an icon of the past...a beacon for the future Jimmy: a bridge from the past...to the present, from Newport to...the rest'a the world (everybody claps, Julie comes in the front door) Julie: hello everybody Kirsten: hey Julie Julie: so sorry i'm late, I hope I didn't miss anything, hey Caleb: you are glowing (kisses her cheek) Julie: (flustered) well I am just soo...excited [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Luke gets into his car, he starts driving and listens to his messages on his phone MSG: you have one new message Ryan: Luke it's me i'm jus callin'a make sure you took care of it...take care of it! (Luke hangs up the phone and sighs, he make an abrupt U turn and drives off in the same direction he just came from) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Jimmy and Sandy are in there with Marco the chef Jimmy: (to the chef) hey Sandy: are you happy Coop? are these the kinda people we wan't because these are the people we are gonna be stuck with Jimmy: I know Sandy it's not what we wanted exactly Sandy: (stops drinking) no it's exactly not what we wanted at all Jimmy: look we need the money, without Caleb we've got nothing Sandy: well maybe nothin's better than this Jimmy: well that's an easier position ta take if you have another job (phone rings) this is all I have Sandy: (answers) hello (Ryan and Marissa at Luna Chicks) Ryan: Sandy, hey it's me Sandy: Ryan, is everything ok Ryan: uhhh not really we-we found Hailey Sandy: (confused) what'dya mean ya found Hailey Jimmy: (turns around) Hailey Ryan: well she got a job...as a stripper Sandy: (shocked) there are strippers at this party? Jimmy: (raises his eyebrows) strippers Sandy: (freaking out) ooh god I never should've agreed ta this Ryan: uh what'do-what'do you want us ta do Sandy: there is nothing you can do, Hailey is not your responsibility Jimmy: (frowns) w-where are they, is she ok Sandy: look what club are'ya at Ryan: it's uhh Luna Chicks Sandy: Luna CHICKS?, well that's just great Ryan: what're ya gonna do Sandy: I will deal with Hailey tomorrow, meanwhile I want you guys home pronto Ryan: alright (hangs up) (Sandy hangs up) Jimmy: (frowns) what's goin on Sandy: they found Hailey workin as a stripper at this party Jimmy: is uh-is she ok Sandy: no course not no she's Hailey Jimmy: (worried, shrugs) should we do somethin Sandy: (unsure) I-I-I (shakes his head) yeah you know what we should do, we should not let Hailey ruin another evening we got enough ta contend with an if Kirsten finds out about this oy Jimmy: hmm I don't know if I can do that Sandy: you know what, we'll deal with it tomorrow (Julie comes in happy) Julie: everything is going so well (Kirsten follows) Kirsten: everyone seems really excited (Caleb follows) Caleb: (screws up his nose) what the hells that smell (looks at the food) what are we even cooking here Sandy: meatloaf, it's my mothers specialty Caleb: i've got the most important people in the county in there, the most sophisticated palettes in Newport an you're gonna offer them nana Cohen's meatloaf Kirsten: dad, it's their menu Sandy: a menu of lunatics Julie: well this is a disaster i'm gonna have'ta call Catherine Zita Jones's people I was tryin'a get her for the opening Caleb: you Marco how quickly can you get down to the Crab Shack an pick us up some fresh- Sandy: (puts his hand out) whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa no no Marco no no, this is our restaurant! Caleb: you don't have a restaurant without me, an you don't have me with meatloaf Jimmy: (fed up) well then maybe we're better off (they look at him) a mans life comes down to a few decisive moments an maybe this-this meatloaf is one of em, this restaurant was-was spose'ta be fun an if you wanna go ahead an ruin everything that this restaurant is about then go ahead fine, I don't want any part of it (Sandy nods)...goodnight (to Sandy) good luck Caleb: that's why the man is bankrupt (to Sandy) oh do what you like, sink the ship but make it quick i'm starving Sandy: hey Marco there's alot ridin on this meatloaf (Kirsten looks at Julie's neck) Kirsten: Julie is that a- Julie: (covers it) curling iron burn yeah um i'm gonna go check on Cal CUT TO: Luna Chicks - Ryan and Marissa are looking for Seth and Summer so they can leave Ryan: alright as soon as we find Seth an Summer we're outta here Marissa: and Hailey Ryan: I don't know its-its none'a my business Marissa: yeah it is, it's your family...an we need ta find her an get outta here Ryan: (gives in) alright you wait here if you see Seth don't let him move an ill jus go try'ta find her Marissa: (stops him) not without me (looks at him) Ryan: (gives in) come on (Grady with his team, and Summer at a table) Grady: cheers, cheers to me in all'a my glory (Summer laughs) and a second season (Summer looks over and sees Seth, Paris walks up to him) Paris: hey Seth: (turns around) hi, hi how's it uh how's it goin Paris: I'm so exhausted Seth: yeah Paris: yeah i've ben up all night workin on my thesis (Seth is suprised) magical relaism in American literature, are you familiar with the works of Thomas Pynchon Seth: (stunned) i've...only read The Crying of Lot 49 Paris: Gravity's Rainbow is his masterpiece (Seth nods, stunned) don't tell anyone i'm in grad school Seth: ok (back to Grady and Summer) Grady: so I have got a new episode that hasn't aired yet, do you wanna see it? Summer: no way! you have a new episode Grady: yeah on tape, huh Summer: (excited) yeah hold on I just have'ta- (Summer looks over at Seth and Paris. Paris has her hand in his pocket) Seth: oh yeah no i'm not uh armed or anything (Paris pulls out his phone) uh-hm (Summer frowns while looking at them) Seth: th-that's a (Paris takes a photo) Paris: camera phone, it's the autograph of the 21st century Seth: (smiling) (nods) yeah that's what they say, that's what they say Summer: (pulls Grady) lets go Grady: alright Paris: (to Seth) call me some time (hands the phone back) Seth: I will (smiles) (Paris walks away and Seth looks over to where Summer was, the lounge is now empty) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Sandy is sitting by the pool and Caleb comes out to join him Caleb: there you are, I thought you'd flown the coop as well (sits) Sandy: nah jus tryin'a get a little peace an quiet Caleb: wax philosophical about why your partner up an quit Sandy: he hasn't quit, he went after Hailey Caleb: (laughs) what're you talking about, Hailey's in club med Sandy: oh she's in a club but in Hollywood...working as a stripper, Ryan jus called an they found her (Caleb raises his eyebrows) anyway that's where my partner went (stands) an that's why he's my partner CUT TO: LA - Summer and Grady are sitting in Grady's car watching the episode Summer: this is so cool! your here (points to TV) an here (touches him) it's awesome Grady: shhh (points to TV) Summer: (laughs) oh my god I bet that was improvised Grady: so listen i'm really glad that you came to my- Summer: (puts hand up) no wait, shhh (whispers) I wanna watch Grady: why, i'm-i'm not in this scene Summer: (almost crying) it's just so good (sighs) I wish I was from the Valley (Marissa and Ryan are inside the club, they see Seth) Marissa: hey where's Summer Seth: I don't know off with Grady somewhere, I talk about Pynchon for like two seconds an suddenly she's gone Ryan: yeah well I got somethin else for ya (Seth is watching a stripper, who we know to be his aunt Hailey, but he does not) Seth: (to Ryan) you have a clean slate now ok so if I was you I would put in a little private dance time with uh (Hailey turns around) (stunned) oh my god that's Hailey Ryan: yeah-yeah that's-that's what I- (Hailey gets down and starts walking away) Seth: (grabs her) hey hey, what the hell are you doing I thought you were an aerobics instructor in the Caribbean or something Hailey: yeah well I figured if I told the truth it wouldn't go over so well Seth: my moms gonna freak when she finds out Hailey: so don't tell her, not that she'd care Ryan: i'm sure she would if she knew what you were doing Hailey: what's wrong with what i'm doing, I make good money an i'm on my own Seth: what are you talking about! you look terrible (Hailey looks away) you work here c'mon let me jus grab my girlfriend an we'll go an we'll figure it out ok Guy: (grabs Hailey) get up there, what're you tired today you didn't do enough coke Seth: hey, take it easy man Guy: jus get back ta work Ryan: hey, hey, hey don't tell her what'ta do alright Guy: excuse me? you got a problem Ryan: (gets in his face) yeah, yeah yeah I do! Seth: no he doesn't have a problem i'm sorry we're jus gonna grab my girlfriend an we're gonna grab my aunt uh-uh more gently than say you an we're leaving Guy: oh your leavin right now, get outta my club (bouncer grabs them & shoves the 3 of them towards the door) get em outta my club, out out out (they are pushed out into like an alley thing) Guy: I don't wanna see these guys in my club again! (they are all standing out in the alley) CUT TO: Still in the alley - they are sitting on a ledge thing talking Marissa: are we jus gonna leave Hailey here Ryan: I don't think we have much of a choice Marissa: well we can't leave without her Seth: (with his phone) I cant get ahold'a Summer, I think we should split up (stands up) lets scale a wall, find a fire escape climb through a window the us(as in usual) (they both look at him) Seth: I was all-camp uh capture the flag camp Tuckahoe, i'm very stealth (Seth rubs his hands together and runs at the wall and really badly tries to hold on, Marissa leans closer to Ryan cause Seth is right by her) Seth: (touches the wall) that's kinda dewy i'm gonna go around (Marissa and Ryan both sigh, then Marissa gets a look of 'I have an idea') Marissa: we're going to the VIP entrance Ryan: (shakes his head) we're not VIP Marissa: this is Hollywood, meet me in a minute (gets up) I have an idea CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Kirsten, Julie, Caleb and Sandy are standing behind the table while the guests eat W: this meatloaf is fantastic Caleb: this is what we had planned, back ta basics, comfort food, what's old is new again Sandy: well I couldn't have said that better myself, even though I already did Kirsten: we're so glad that you like it Julie: i'm gonna get more wine, anyone? W: oh terrific (Julie walks into the kitchen. she goes over to the sink and Luke pops up at the kitchen window which makes her jump. Luke taps on the window and motions for her to come outside, Julie makes a face and motions for him to get back down - Marco the chef looks over at her and smiles, Julie smiles back then begins to walk away. she bites her lip and screws up her face. she smiles again as she walks through the dining room where everyone is eating, she puts the wine down and stands near the doors to outside, she looks around and everyone is busy talking to each other no one notices she's there. Julie turns around and looks out the door to see Luke's head poke around the corner and he again motions for her to come outside. she looks at him and tips her head at him a few times as if to say 'get back' ) Caleb: Juju, bring the wine dear Julie: um thi-this ones empty, i'm gonna get another (Julie walks back into the kitchen, and we see her walking as well as Luke following her outside, he stops at the door near the living room. Julie comes to the door and opens it) Julie: (whispers) what the hell are you doing here! Luke: we need ta talk Julie: wait outside my house...go hide in the bushes or something go (tips her head again) go! (Luke leaves. Julie shuts the door and sees the people in the kitchen looking at her) Julie: back to work! CUT TO: Luna Chicks - Marissa is at the VIP entrance trying to get in, the guy isn't having it Guy: I told you VIP's only (Marissa looks over and sees Ryan walking up) Marissa: (pretending to be a fan) oh my god, OH my god (grabs Ryan and hugs him) I love you so much, you are my favourite character (to the guy) ok do you watch the Valley Guy: no, I have a job! Marissa: it's only like the best show ever! (touches Ryan) you are...actually a little shorter then I imagined but still so hot (hugs Ryan again) Ryan: (unsure what she's doing) thanks Guy: (to Ryan) you here for the party Ryan: (plays it cool) yeah Marissa: oh my god wait can I come with you! (Ryan looks at the guy) seriously it would mean so much to me it was my favourite show (Ryan smiles at the guy) Guy: take advantage kid, you're only a teen idol once Ryan: thanks buddy (Marissa is giggling like an obsessed fan) Marissa: thanks too (goes in with Ryan) CUT TO: Summer and Grady are sitting in Grady's car watching dailies Summer: (bored) I can't believe we're watching dailies Grady: yeah but seriously, which take did you like better because I kinda like the acting in that one you know Summer: hmm Grady: but the lighting wasn't as good as the one before Summer: ok I don't know, can we go back to the party this is boring Grady: well how bout uh how bout uh some uh some music (puts CD in player) that'll lighten it up, little party Summer: what's this? Grady: oh this is uh this is my band its our-it's our first CD Summer: (nods) no kidding Grady: I like you an I don't know why but you jus you've got (puts his hands up like he's framing a shot) you've jus got somethin you know, i'm a big fan'a yours (goes to kiss her) Summer: (freaks out) oh my GOD what're you doing Grady: what-what (Seth opens Grady's door) Summer: Cohen Seth: Summer Grady: hi Seth: hi, I heard some really really awful music an I knew it could only be self indulgent actors with instruments, what're you doing Summer: leaving (April opens Summers door) April: Grady there you are Grady: April hi Summer: oh my god, you're on the show! you are like the best thing on that show April: what're you doing with her? Grady: uhhh I w uhhh Summer: wait, you two are dating god don't-don't you think that's a bad idea I mean what if things don't work out an you guys break up I mean isn't that bad for the show April: I guess we're about'ta find out Grady: whoa whoa whoa April, April (climbs over Summer) hey lock up the car for me please (gets out) April wait Seth: hey Summer: (smiles and moves closer to Seth) i'm sorry, lets go home (takes his hand) some place with real people Seth: you think we're gonna find that at home we live in Newport beach, lets jus get out of LA (looks at the TV) is that a new episode Summer: (gets out) mhmm I already saw it Seth: oh Grady's probably ad libbing, oooh CUT TO: Inside Luna Chicks - Hailey is changed out of her stripper clothes and walking down a corridor, Ryan and Marissa see her Hailey: what're you guys doing? Ryan: (grabs her) yeah you're comin with us Hailey: you know what you're really sweet with this whole save the stripper campaign but i'm fine Ryan: oh you're fine Hailey: yeah, now get outta here quick before he sees you Marissa: no, not without you look we came Guy: (grabs Ryan) what're you doin back in my club Ryan: hey get your hand offa me man Guy: out, out, you too Hailey (pushes them out the door) goodbye Hailey (Ryan gets in the face of the big bouncer guy) Guy: oh oh oh what're you gonna do huh, what're you gonna do now big shot, what're you gonna do now huh (Jimmy walks up) Jimmy: what're you gonna do, hit a kid Marissa: dad Guy: what're you DAD Jimmy: what're you the guy who's my age an still thinks he's 25 Guy: you keep your kid's outta my club Jimmy: (to Marissa) you alright Marissa: yeah Jimmy: (to Ryan) look uh Sandy got held up so I Ryan: ah its ok, thankyou Jimmy: why don't you guys head back i'm gonna...give Hailey a lift Marissa: ok yeah we'll jus go find Seth an Summer Ryan: alright (Marissa kisses and hugs Jimmy) Jimmy: see ya, drive safe (they walk off) Hailey: (teary) I wish you would'a called first...I would've washed my hair Jimmy: are you ok Hailey: (nods) i'm fine...I just (sniffs) was supposed'ta get a job managing this other bar an it fell through and I needed the money Jimmy: its ok its ok, it's alright, its ok (smiles) it doesn't matter (Hailey looks at him) so you wanna come home Hailey: (nods) yeah (Jimmy hugs her) CUT TO: Marissa, Ryan, Summer and Seth are walking to the car Summer: an could we have parked any further away Seth: hey, at least we get to look forward to a little Saturday night rush hour, you know I think we did pretty good in there man, an I told ya we make a good team i'm the brains, your the brawn Marissa: hey how come you're the brains, i'm the one who talked us back inta that club Seth: i'm sorry i'm the brains Ryan: (to Marissa) you can be the beauty Marissa: ok, thanks Seth: yeah-yeah that's exactly right you're the beauty, he's the brawn i'm the brains perfect Summer: great an what am I Cohen Seth: uh the boobs? (Summer hits him) uh the bitch Summer: ok ill take the boobs Seth: (puts his arm around her) hey, so will I (Summer laughs) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Julie, Caleb, Kirsten and Sandy are in there Caleb: i've never seen so much meatloaf in my life Sandy: well it was a beautiful sight (Jimmy comes in) Kirsten: hey where were you, it went great Jimmy: I uh...have a suprise (Hailey comes in) Kirsten: (shocked) oh my god Jimmy: yeah I just uh picked her up from the airport fresh from Turks an Caicos (Caleb kisses Hailey on the cheek) Sandy: I hear that's the best club med there is I can't wait ta hear the details (Kirsten walks over and hugs her) Caleb: thanks Jimmy, for bringing her back (Jimmy nods) Kirsten: why don't I draw ya a bath Hale (Hailey smiles) (Kirsten and Hailey walk out) Caleb: well we should wrap this up, do some business Julie: an there is my cue you boys discuss the money, call me when you wanna discuss the linens Caleb: ok fellas i'm in, we'll do it your way Sandy: it's the only way we could do it Caleb: (nods) you guys were right at the end of the day, its good food, good people coming together...tonight was a good start (holds his hand out) Jimmy: (shakes) apparently Sandy: (shakes) thanks CUT TO: Julie walks to her door, Luke is waiting there for her Julie: Luke what is so important that you- Luke: (puts his hands up) I can't do this anymore Julie: excuse me...your breaking up with me Luke: it's just um...it's not a good idea an uh it never could'a worked Julie: (nods) your right, well ok Luke: right...ok (Julie watches Luke go then calls someone) Julie: hi Cal it's me, when you're ready for that date, let me know CUT TO: The pool house - Marissa and Ryan come in Ryan: (laughs) I can't believe there watchin the Valley after all that Marissa: (laughs) hey Summer says it's addictive (Ryan lies on the bed) Marissa: so is it ok if I hang out in here, not watching TV Ryan: yeah sure (Ryan sits up and Marissa sits on the end of the bed next to him, they are a little awkward with each other) Ryan: so did you have fun tonight? Marissa: watching you get kicked out of a club...twice, yeah actually I kinda did Ryan: yeah you were pretty good with the bouncer Marissa: impressed? Ryan: kinda was Marissa: see I think I should be the brains Ryan: no Seth's the brains Marissa: well you're clearly not the beauty Ryan: ooooh an now someone's the bitch (smiles) Marissa: (laughs) oooh really (leans back and grabs a pillow) ok Ryan: (puts his hand up to block the pillow) hey, hey, hey, hey (Ryan is now on the floor and Marissa is standing over him) Marissa: (laughing) come on fight back Ryan: alright, alright (Marissa drops the pillow on his face) Marissa: I win Ryan: yeah, yeah you win Marissa: ill be right back (goes to the bathroom) CUT TO: Cohen front door - Kirsten answers it and Luke is standing there Luke: hey Mrs. Cohen uh is-is Ryan around Kirsten: yeah he's in the pool house CUT TO: Ryan is taking off his shoes, Luke knocks and walks in Ryan: Luke (stands up)
Plan: A: Ryan; Q: Who tries to keep Luke and Julie's affair a secret from Marissa? A: L.A.; Q: Where does Ryan, Marissa, Seth and Summer go to find Hailey? A: Hailey; Q: Who is working as a stripper in Los Angeles? A: Caleb; Q: Who do Jimmy and Sandy approach for business help? Summary: Ryan, Marissa, Seth and Summer head down to L.A. and find Hailey working as a stripper. Jimmy and Sandy approach Caleb for business help. Meanwhile, Ryan tries to keep Luke and Julie's affair a secret from Marissa.
EXT. BUILDING SITE A man, standing in a disused building site, sees a faint shape in the distance. He looks quickly around him, then runs frantically up a hill, presumably following the faint sound of the TARDIS engines. He reaches the top, panting, and comes across a series of deserted but identical outbuildings, looking very run-down, with the TARDIS parked in the middle of it all, looking extremely out of place and unusual. The man stops, staring at the TARDIS. Slowly, he walks towards it. As he places a hand on the TARDIS door, he hears a voice. ROSE: Doctor! Doctor, the trap! He runs quickly towards the source of the shouting. INT. WAREHOUSE He enters one of the outbuildings that now appears to be some sort of warehouse, from which various echoing shouts and scuffling sounds are emanating from above him. THE DOCTOR: Where's he gone? Can you see him? ROSE: There he is! Stop, no! Watch out! There! THE DOCTOR: Where? ROSE: There! Over there! The man enters the warehouse, and runs towards the noise, up several flights of metal stairs. He slowly approaches a door at the end of a long corridor, which has ominous banging and growling sounds coming from it. There is a bright light coming from it. He walks cautiously up to the door, and opens it to reveal a ferocious snarling monster, who roars at him. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Cut to the same man, Elton, at home in front of his home video camera. ELTON (to the camera): That's what it did. It went RRROOOOAAAAAAAAARRR! And if you think that was the most exciting day of my life, wait 'til you hear the rest. Oh boy... OPENING CREDITS INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: So there I was, with that thing going RAAAAH! INT. WAREHOUSE Cut to the roaring monster. As it slowly approaches Elton, snarling menacingly, the Doctor appears directly behind the door, holding up a large pork chop just out of the monsters reach. THE DOCTOR: Here, boy! Eat the food! C'mon, look at the lovely food! Isn't' that nice? Isn't it? Yes it is! The monster turns to face the Doctor, who addresses Elton, who is still standing motionless, in shock. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Get out of here, quickly! (To the monster). Have some, boy! Wouldn't you like a porky-choppy then? (Shouts to Elton). I said, run! Rose comes charging onto the scene and with a loud cry, flings the contents of a blue steaming bucket onto the monster. The monster howls and clutches its eyes. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Wrong one! You made it worse! ROSE: You said blue! THE DOCTOR: I said "not blue"! The monster spots Rose, who whimpers and sprints off in the opposite direction. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (irritated): Oh... hold on! He slams the door shut. There is a moment of silence and stillness during which Elton stares on in shock, a Scooby Doo style chase scene takes place, with the Doctor, Rose and the monster all screaming, yelling and running haphazardly though three long corridors running at right angles to the main one in which Elton is standing there, watching in complete bewilderment. The monster chases the Doctor one way, Rose the other, then both of them, until Rose turns on the monster with a red bucket, chasing him in one direction and then the other, the Doctor now following, until he stops, notices Elton, and then... THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (confused): Hold on... don't I know you? Elton just runs, down the stairs and out of the building. EXT. BUILDING SITE As he stands against a wall, panting, he hears the TARDIS engines again. ELTON (voice-over): You can't imagine it, the Doctor's machine, the most beautiful sound in the world. Elton leans against the wall, with the deflated air of someone who has missed a great opportunity. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (speaking very seriously): Yet that wasn't the first time I met the Doctor, and it certainly wasn't the last, ohhh no. I just put that bit at the beginning because it's a brilliant opening. But... erm... this is the story of me, and my encounters with alien life-forms. But be warned, because it is gonna get scarrrrry. (Leans towards the camera menacingly, teeth bared). I... I need a remote control zoom, I'm having to do that with the lean, the scarrrrry. But look, don't worry, 'cos it's not just me sitting here talking, ohhh no. EXT. STREET He's now standing on an ordinary suburban street, talking to a home video camera. ELTON: That's Ursula on camera. Ursula waves a gloved hand in front of the camera. URSULA: Hello! ELTON: My good friend, Ursula Blake, and my brand-new camera. The camera moves, and we see a blur before it focuses to view a beige-coloured terraced house in the middle of the street, then shifts again to see Elton standing in front of the building. ELTON (CONT'D): That was my family home, down there. (Whispers). I did try, but there's two women live there now and they're a bit... severe. (He grimaces). So... never mind. But that, is where it all started. That's when I first met the Doctor. INT. ELTON'S CHILDHOOD HOUSE We see a faded, blurry view of the inside of an ordinary house, Elton's family home. It is very dark, at night, and the view is low, near the ground, through the eyes of a very young Elton. ELTON (voice-over): What was it... erm... I must have been 3 or 4 years old. Middle of the night, went downstairs, and there was this - man. We see a blurred progression, young Elton moving down the dark stairs and into the living room. He looks up to a blurred image of the Doctor, standing there and looking straight at the him, a disturbed expression on his face. EXT. STREET The image then fades, to leave Elton staring at the house, reminiscing. URSULA: So what happened? Elton, tell me. Why was he there? ELTON: I don't know. I, I still don't know. All those years ago... He pauses a moment, lost in thought, then he waves his hands at the camera, and the filming cuts. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: OK, first thing's first, my name is Elton. Er... not to be confused with... Quick cut to footage of Elton John in front of a piano, performing in his usual glitzy clothes. ELTON (CONT'D): I left school, got a job, Transport Manager, Rated Logistics, modest little haulage company, perfectly normal life, and then... it all went mad. EXT. HIGH STREET We see Elton going shopping in a busy London street, carrying shopping bags and examining things in shop windows. ELTON (CONT'D) (voiceover): Two years ago, I was in town, I was stocking up. You know, nothing special, all the usual stuff, when all of a sudden... As Elton walks past a shop window, a dummy in it raises his arm and hits the glass in the window, which suddenly explodes behind him. As he stops in shock, all the other windows suddenly explode one after each other and the dummies march out, creating chaos. Elton stares at them. ("Rose", 101). INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D): Shop window dummies! Come to life! EXT. HIGH STREET The dummies march through the streets, shooting people with jets of red light. They shoot telephone wires, causing electrical fires, and smash up cars, with people screaming and running in all directions. Elton, fleeing the scene, nearly gets run over by a confused driver trying to avoid the people running in the road. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D): I survived... obviously... EXT. STREET A new street, Elton walks down it along with other ordinary people going about their day-to-day business, Elton is the first to notice something... ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): Twelve months later, I'm back in town. I'm up west, looking for a new suit, something nice and smart, when I hear this plane overhead. There is a loud humming sound and Elton and all the other shoppers look up in time to see a large alien spaceship (104 "Aliens of London"), ejecting clouds of black smoke, flying very low through the streets above everyone's heads and crashing into the top of Big Ben, ripping the clock face and bell tower off and sending bits and pieces flying everywhere, the bell tolling as the spaceship hits it. The shoppers put their hands to their mouths and Elton stares in horror. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D): But it wasn't over yet, 'cos then... Christmas Day... INT. ELTON'S BEDROOM We see Elton sleeping in his bed under a duvet. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): I'm in bed fast asleep, nice and cosy, quarter to eight in the morning, when all of a sudden... The window explodes inwards (2005 Christmas Special "The Christmas Invasion"). His eyes snap open. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D) (gesturing outwards with his hands): Smash! INT. ELTON'S BEDROOM The smash replays, shards of glass flying in all directions. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D) (gesturing at his bed): And I was stuck in bed, right, 'cos there was glass everywhere! And I was barefoot! I had to invent a rudimentary pulley system, just to reach my boots! And by the time I'd done that... INT. ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton looks out of his broken bedroom window to see the Sycorax spaceship, he stares, open mouthed. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D): And that's when it all started happening. That's how I met Ursula. EXT. PARK Cut to Ursula, sitting on a park bench. URSULA: His name is the Doctor. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: That's how I met Victor Kennedy. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Cut to Mr Kennedy, moving to strike Elton with his hand. VICTOR: You stupid man! INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: That's how I met Jackie Tyler. INT. LAUNDERETTE Cut to Jackie, in the launderette. JACKIE: Oh, you don't meet many Eltons! INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: And that's how I finally met the Doctor, and realised the truth. INT. ELTON'S CHILDHOOD HOUSE We see the faded image from Elton's childhood, of the Doctor looking down on him as a little boy, the same one as before. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM When Elton re-appears, he has his head rested on his arms and appears dejected. The camera cuts out. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM When it records again, Elton sniffs and wipes his nose as he turns the camera to face him, as though he had just been crying. ELTON: Um, I should say, this isn't my whole life. It's not all... spaceships and stuff, 'cos I'm into all sorts of things. Er... I like football... I like a drink... I like Spain, and if there's one thing I really love, Jeff Lynne and the Electric Light Orchestra, 'cos you can't beat a bit of ELO. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Cut to Elton dancing to "Mr Blue Sky", jumping around, etc. He stomps on his sofa and plays air drums, whirling around in his swivel chair. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton switches his home video back on. ELTON (CONT'D): So, great big spaceship hanging over London. Imagine the theories. INT. ELTON'S BEDROOM We see Elton typing in front of his computer when suddenly, sparks and smoke fly from it, and the monitor explodes. Elton jumps backwards. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): The Internet was on meltdown. But I kept on digging. Something was going on, ohhh yes. Elton opens up an Internet blog titled, "MY INVASION BLOG", with a large photograph of the Doctor against a falling snowflake background. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): And then one day, on some obscure little blog by someone called Ursula Blake, it was like a chance in a million. It was him, it was that man again but the photo was new, it was taken on Christmas Day but Christmas just gone. And he looked exactly the same. EXT. PARK Elton and Ursula Blake are sitting together on a park bench, talking about the Doctor. URSULA: His name is the Doctor. ELTON: Doctor what? URSULA: That's all anyone knows. On Christmas Day I was taking photos all over the place. I went mad with it all, spaceships and lasers and everything. We all went to Trafalgar Square that night, 'cos everyone was celebrating, just being alive. And I snapped him in passing, that's all. He was just some bloke. I didn't realise he was significant, until Mr Skinner pointed it out. ELTON: Who's Mr Skinner? URSULA: Oh, there's a few of us. The Inner Sanctum, all studying this Doctor. ELTON (sliding closer to her): I've seen him. The Doctor, I swear to you, I saw him when I was a kid. He was in my house, and he was downstairs. URSULA: Don't tell me, he looked exactly the same then as he does now. ELTON (amazed): Yes, yes! Oh my God. You believe me! URSULA (grinning): You're not the only one, you know... EXT. PARK Elton and Ursula walk through the park together. ELTON (voice-over): So that's how I met Ursula, all thanks to the Doctor. Turns out we read all the same sites and she only lived half a mile away. She was like a proper mate. Poor Ursula. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS A quick flash-forward of Ursula screaming in pain and fear. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM In front of his home video, Elton sits reminiscing. It cuts, before Elton speaks again. ELTON (CONT'D): But like she said, there was this little community, the select few, all with their stories of the Doctor. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS A group of people are crowded round a table in a basement, talking and laughing. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): This little gang used to meet up, underneath the old library on Macateer Street. Mr Skinner, first name Colin, but we always called him Mr Skinner. I don't know why, we... just did. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Mr Skinner shows the others a presentation on a paper board, and making marks on it. MR SKINNER: To me, the Doctor isn't a man, he's more a collection of archetypes... INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS ELTON (voice-over): Then there was Bridget. We see Bridget showing them a presentation, but on a slide projector, the lights dimmed. BRIDGET: All these different Doctors come and go, but the single constant factor is this faux police box. It keeps cropping up, throughout history... ELTON (voice-over): She lived way up North, but she travelled down without fail, just for the meetings. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): Then, there was Bliss. Bliss uncovers and shows the others her own modern interpretive art creation. The others look on. BLISS: What I'm trying to do is sum up the Doctor, what he means to us. ELTON (voice-over): She was ever so sweet, bless. Bless Bliss, we used to say. BLISS: What he could represent and what he should represent. And what he... never won't represent... sort of thing. The others nod understandingly. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS The gang are gathered round the table again. URSULA: We should have a name. You know, as a group. BLISS (in agreement): Names are very important. ELTON: What we need is a good, strong name, like a team. Something like... London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency, LINDA for short. MR SKINNER: Say it again. ELTON: London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency. MR SKINNER: 'N'? ELTON: Fish 'n' Chips, Rock 'n' Roll... Chaka Demus 'n' Pliers! Everyone laughs and nods comprehension. BRIDGET: Oooh, I like it, it's not too solemn. BLISS: I like the 'n'. MR SKINNER: We're the men from LINDA! BRIDGET: And the women! MR SKINNER: Linda United! URSULA (to Elton): Did you think of that on the spot? ELTON (shaking his head): No, I've been wanting to use it for years. MR SKINNER (raising his glass): I give you... LINDA! EVERYONE: LINDA! And everyone toasts LINDA together. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: So we'd all meet up, every week, and we'd talk about the Doctor for a bit. But after a while... Bridget started cooking. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Everyone crowds round a table displaying some of Bridget's culinary creations. Bridget is serving everyone. URSULA: Oh my God, that's gorgeous! No really, wow! Oi, the rest of you, get your hands off! INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS ELTON (voice-over): The next thing you know, Mr Skinner started his readings, 'cos he was writing his own novel. Everyone is on chairs in a row in front of Mr Skinner, who is reading aloud from a pile of papers from a box file in his lap. MR SKINNER: That's the last time you ride the ghost train, Johnny Fransetta... now say your prayers! To be continued... Everyone groans, disappointed that it's over. BLISS: You can't leave it there! INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS ELTON: As time went on, we got to know each other better and better. Bridget is talking to the others. Everyone is sitting in a circle. BRIDGET: I started all of this because... erm... my daughter disappeared. It wasn't aliens that took her away, it was just, drugs. I come down to London, every week, and I just keep looking for her. Bridget is unable to hold back tears, and she begins to cry. URSULA (softly): Bridget... The others all look on sympathetically as Ursula puts an arm around her. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Bliss is playing a guitar and singing, whilst everyone sits around her in a circle, listening. BLISS (singing) : I gave my love a chicken, it had no bone / I gave my love a cherry, it had no stone... INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS We then see Bliss playing her guitar more upbeat than before and Ursula joining in with a tambourine. They are both singing, and the others watch, clapping in time with the music. ELTON (voice-over): Then it turned out that Bridget could play the piano, and I confessed my love of ELO. Next thing you know... INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D): Musical LINDA. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS The group have formed a band, Bridget on the piano, Mr Skinner on drums, Bliss on rhythm guitar and Bridget on bass guitar. Elton is centre-stage as the lead singer with a microphone. ELTON (singing): You got me running, goin' outta my mind... / You got me thinking that I'm wasting my time / (with Bridget). Don't bring me down. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: Just for fun. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS ELTON (singing, with Ursula): Don't bring me down! He twirls around and they continue the performance, Elton offering the microphone to the others so they can take turns to sing. Suddenly, the electricity is apparently cut and the basement goes pitch black. MR SKINNER: Careful, mind the cables. The basement outer door has opened, with a banging sound, and a black silhouette is shown as a white light illuminates the inner doors and the basement. We hear a creaking gate as the shadow opens them and enters. LINDA stare at him, confused. ELTON (voice-over): And that's when it all changed, that Tuesday night in March. That's when he arrived. VICTOR (setting down his briefcase): Lights! The lights switch on, one by one. ELTON (voice-over): That's when we met Victor Kennedy. The golden age, was gone. Victor Kennedy looks down at them all, aloof. LINDA stare right back, complete bewildered. He is clothed in black, with a black cloak, a black top-hat and a black-and-silver cane. VICTOR (voice dripping with sarcasm): So, we meet at last... "LINDA". MR SKINNER (extending a hand): Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm sorry, was the music too loud? VICTOR (backing away): No no no no, I don't shake hands, back, back. I suffer from a skin complaint, Eczeema. ELTON: Oh, you mean "eczema"? VICTOR: Oh, this is worse, much worse, I blister to the touch. Back, back, all of you, further, further. Thank you. They all, finally, back away. ELTON: Sorry, don't mind me asking, but who are you? VICTOR: I am your salvation. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS LINDA are gathered around Mr Kennedy's laptop, which is showing video footage of the Doctor and Rose boarding the TARDIS. URSULA: That's the Doctor! ELTON: It's really him! VICTOR: You've forgotten your purpose in life. You, with your band... and your cakes... and your blubbing and all the while he still exists, the Doctor. BRIDGET: Look at him, just look! They press closer to the laptop. VICTOR: Move back, move back, all of you! Oh, wait for this, the picture cuts out, but the sound still continues. He presses a few keys. VICTOR (CONT'D): Listen. Listen to the sound of the universe... yes... Upon hearing it, Elton backs away into a corner, and sits on a chair, remembering, with his head in his hands. URSULA: What is it? What's wrong? VICTOR (stands, extends his cane): Leave him! (To Elton). You've heard it before, haven't you? When? When was it? Where? Where were you? ELTON (quietly): I'd forgotten, until now. But it was that night... VICTOR: What night? ELTON: I was just a kid... that's why I went downstairs. It woke me up. That noise... INT. ELTON'S CHILDHOOD HOME Back to Elton's childhood, point of view of him going down the stairs into the living room. The TARDIS sounds in the background. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS ELTON (CONT'D): But what is it? What does it mean? VICTOR: That is a sound of his spaceship. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Back at a table, Victor opens his briefcase and pulls out some files. VICTOR: Right then, homework! Using the Torchwood files, we're able to look at all the old databases in a completely new light. We're able to build up a more detailed profile of the Doctor. I've allocated tasks to each of you. I'd like you to... Mr Skinner almost brushes Victor's hand. VICTOR (CONT'D) (sharply): Carefu l! Watch the eczeema! I'd like you to complete your targets and meet back here this time next week, one step closer to catching the Doctor. He sits behind the main desk. VICTOR (CONT'D): Well don't just sit there, move! The others jump up and leave. Victor waves Bliss back. VICTOR (CONT'D): Erm, Bliss? It is Bliss, isn't it? BLISS: Yeah. VICTOR (smiles): Could I have a word with you in private, please? BLISS (happily): Course you can, yeah. VICTOR (still smiling): Thank you. (To the others): Goodbye, goodbye. The others all get into the service lift. EXT. STREET Elton and the others walk out onto the street. ELTON: Better get to work! Lots to do. URSULA: I never thought of it as work. ELTON: It's what we've always wanted, though. To find the Doctor. URSULA: Yeah, I suppose. Just as they walk out of view, Bliss screams. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Back in Elton's room, he is back to making his video diary. ELTON: All of a sudden, without anyone saying so, we were working for Victor Kennedy. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Victor is sitting behind the desk, hands steepled. The others are all sitting behind desks making notes, searching through files, etc. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): Though we had to admit, he was right. His methods were much more rigorous. It felt like we were getting closer and closer to the Doctor. Elton raises his ruler in the air to get Victor's attention. ELTON: Mr Kennedy? VICTOR: Yes? ELTON: We... we were wondering... no sign of Bliss. Do you know where she is? VICTOR (thinks fast): Yes, didn't she tell you? She's getting married! She left a message. It'll never last. (Quieter). Stupid girl. (Sharper). Come on, back to work! They all start working again. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: But we did get lucky once. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Back to LINDA HQ. Ursula is at Elton's desk. Mr Skinner grabs a piece of paper excitedly. MR SKINNER: A police box! Newly arrived, it says newly arrived today! And it's in Woolwich! VICTOR (grabs the paper from Mr Skinner): Well don't just stand there, move! Move, go, go! INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: Don't get excited, that's where you came in. INT. WAREHOUSE Back to the deserted warehouses from the start. We get fast-forwarded through the events. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): Woolwich. Police box. Red bucket, blue bucket. Police are stupid, etcetera. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Victor towers over Elton at his desk and yells. VICTOR: Useless! ELTON: I just froze. VICTOR: You met him... and you froze, you stupid man! Victor raises a hand to hit Elton, who ducks. Ursula expression turns to anger. ELTON: You can't hit me! 'Cos you don't touch, you said so, you get a rash and an itch and... Victor grabs his cane and raises it. VICTOR: I can use this! Ursula stands up and storms over, yelling back. URSULA: Use that cane on him and you'll get one hell of a smack off me! And then a good kick! Is that completely understood, Mr Kennedy? VICTOR: Duly noted. Ursula... Blake. Most likely to fight back. Ursula and Victor stare at each other a for a moment. VICTOR (CONT'D): Right then! We'll change tack, we'll approach this sideways. Elton and Ursula share a grateful smile. VICTOR (CONT'D): If we're to discover the truth about the Doctor, then we need to try and find... her. A bad digital photo of Rose. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS VICTOR: Now when it comes to the Doctor's companion, the Torchwood files are strangely lacking. The photo has been projected on a wall, and changes to an an image of her outside Downing Street. Victor is standing at the front, the others are sitting to listen. VICTOR (CONT'D): It seems the evidence has been corrupted, something called "Bad Wolf" virus. At least we've got these photographs. He clicks a remote at the projector, the photos change again. VICTOR (CONT'D): They're first hand evidence. Elton? ELTON: It was a London accent, definitely. She's from London. VICTOR: So we hit the streets. We get out there, we take the photographs. Someone's got to know who she is somewhere. BRIDGET: Yes, but London's a big place. I mean I should know, my own daughter's out there. VICTOR: Bridget, don't make this personal. I don't like to be touched literally, or metaphorically, thank you very much, I haven't got the time. Bleeding hearts outside! Find me that girl! He hands a printed photograph to each one. VICTOR (CONT'D): Go. Now, move! EXT. BUSY LONDON STREET ELTON steps out into a busy London street, checking the photograph of Rose. ELTON (voice-over): So it began. The impossible task. To scour the mean streets, to search a major capital city for an unknown girl. To hunt down that face in a seething metropolis of lost souls. To find that one girl in ten million... OLD LADY: Oh, that's Rose Tyler. She lives just down there. (She points down a street). Bucknell House, number forty-eight. Her mother's Jackie Tyler. Nice family. Bit odd... She walks off, leaving Elton looking bemused. After a satisfied smile, Elton runs through the street the way the Old Lady pointed. INT. ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton dances around his room to ELO again. EXT. STREET On the streets, he runs between two parked cars but stops when he hears something. WOMAN: Oi, Jackie! Jackie is walking up the other side of the street with two plastic bags full of washing. JACKIE: Hello sweetheart! Elton raises the photo of Rose, comparing her to Jackie. JACKIE (CONT'D): I'll see you down the Spinning Wheel tonight, yeah? Pub quiz, get 'em in! WOMAN: All right then. Jackie enters the Wash Inn launderette. Elton has an idea, and quickly strips off his jacket, then his shirt. Slipping the jacket back on, he screws up his shirt and follows Jackie in. INT. LAUNDERETTE In the launderette, Jackie is sorting through her washing. ELTON (voice-over): I'd been trained for this. Victor Kennedy's classes covered basic surveillance and espionage. He opens one of the washing machines and puts his shirt in. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): Step one: engage your target. Find some excuse to start a conversation. But how was I gonna do this? How? Jackie calls over to him. JACKIE: Excuse me love, you couldn't give us a quid for two fifties, could you? Elton rummages in his pocket. ELTON: Yeah... just a... ah, da-da! He pulls out a pound coin and trades it with Jackie. JACKIE: Oh lovely! Cheers. Elton turns back to his washing machine. ELTON (voice-over): Step two: without provoking suspicion, get on first name terms with the target. JACKIE: My name's Jackie. By the way. Elton can't believe his luck. ELTON: I'm Elton. JACKIE: Ah, you don't meet many Eltons, do you? Apart from the obvious! They both laugh. ELTON (voice-over): Step three: ingratiate yourself with a joke or some humourous device. JACKIE (laughs): I tell you what, Elton. Here we are, complete strangers, and I'm flashing you me' knickers! Elton isn't sure what to make of that, but laughs anyway. ELTON (voice-over): Step four: find some subtle way to integrate yourself into the target's household. Elton goes to say something, but Jackie gets there first. JACKIE: Mind you, I'm only down here because my washing machine's knackered. I don't suppose you're any good at fixing things, are you? INT. TYLERS' FLAT, KITCHEN Elton is crouched behind the washing machine changing the plug, Jackie is watching him. ELTON: Here we are. It was a fuse. There's nothing wrong with the machine. That's fine. All working! He stands up, and Jackie stops flouncing her hair. JACKIE: Oh Elton, I should have you on tap! They laugh. JACKIE (CONT'D): I used to have this little mate called Mickey, he did all that stuff. (Quieter, nostalgic). He's gone now. Bless him. ELTON: Well, if you need me, give us a call. I'll jot down my number. JACKIE: Well you do that, and I'll make us a cup of tea. Go on, go and sit down. Put the telly on if you want, can't bear it silent. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM Elton walks into the living room and looks round. He sees the photos of Rose at various ages on the mantelpiece. JACKIE (from kitchen): It's just me these days, rattling about. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM Jackie and Elton are sitting on the sofa drinking tea. JACKIE: There's my daughter, she's gone travelling. I keep her bedroom all nice and ready though, just in case she comes back. ELTON: And her name is? JACKIE: Rose. ELTON: It's a nice name, Rose. So where's she... travelling? JACKIE: All over. She got a mobile, I get a call now and then. Not so often as I'd like. Still, that age, who can be bothered phoning home? ELTON: Who's she with, is it mates, is it, or... JACKIE: Just mates. Yeah. ELTON: Well, if I had you making a nice cup of tea like this, I wouldn't stray far from home. JACKIE (smiles): You're a charmer. Say it again. They laugh and sip their tea, Jackie peering at him over the top of her mug. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Victor is happier. VICTOR: Magnificent! Oh I could kiss you! Except I can't, of course. The eczeema. ELTON: I've even got a picture of her on my phone. He gets his mobile out and shows the photo to the group. MR SKINNER: Oh it's amazing! You've achieved steps one to four in precise order! How did you manage it? ELTON: Well, I had to work very hard. She keeps everything very close to her chest. URSULA: That's a hell of a chest. BRIDGET: But how do you move on? Step five, that's the problem... VICTOR: Step five! That's this week's homework. I want a full plan of attack from each of you. Now go on, vamoose! (Bangs his cane on the desk). Avante! There's work to do! The group turn and leave. VICTOR (CONT'D): And Elton, keep infiltrating, you will do anything to get than information, boy, anything! ELTON: Yes sir! VICTOR: Oh, oh Bridget! Bridget, oh yes... Bridget and Mr Skinner stop and turn back. VICTOR (CONT'D): Could I have a word with you in private, please? BRIDGET: Er, Mr Skinner's giving me a lift. VICTOR: Oh, I can drop you at the station, I'm sure Mr Skinner won't mind, will you? MR SKINNER: Not at all... erm... well, Bridget, I'll see you next week. BRIDGET: All right then. Mr Skinner gives her a kiss on the cheek. Elton and Ursula smile from the doorway, then leave as Mr Skinner joins them. BRIDGET (CONT'D): Bye bye! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET Outside, Ursula, Elton and Mr Skinner are walking away. URSULA: Now Mr Skinner, I don't mean to pry, but did you give Bridget a little kiss back then? MR SKINNER: I think I did. URSULA: And if you get your way, might there be more little kisses between the two of you? MR SKINNER: I think there might... URSULA: I knew it! ELTON: That's brilliant! MR SKINNER: Now, let's not get excited. We'll see. Bridge screams from the basement, unnoticed by the three of them. INT. TYLER'S FLAT Jackie brings in a plate of biscuits and a mug of tea while Elton fixes another plug. Cut between him doing various odd jobs, putting up shelves. ELTON (voice-over): Infiltration went well, cause Jackie kept phoning up needing this and needing that. JACKIE (of the shelves, gesturing): Down a bit. ELTON (voice-over): It was strange, the amount of things that needed doing. Elton is standing on a stool, probably changing a light bulb, Jackie eyes up his stomach before offering him a cup of tea. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): It's like that flat was jinxed. Cut to him changing a fuse or three. Then he's got his head buried under the kitchen sink, Jackie enters, about to say something, but shuts her mouth and instead contemplates his bum. ELTON (now wedged in the small gap between the wall and the sofa): It's weird these fuses keep blowing. Must be near a sub station. Then you get the power surges still... there we go! Fixed! Jackie has entered behind him, in a very short black skirt. As Elton turns round, he comes face to face with her stomach, and quickly stands up. JACKIE: Here we are! A little reward for my favourite handyman. She's really gone to town; makeup, her hair loose and a tight fitting top that shows off her chest. She hands Elton a glass of red wine. ELTON: I shouldn't really, I've got the car outside. JACKIE: Well, you could always splash out on a taxi, or... (suggestively). Whatever. See what happens. Elton nods, a little nervy. ELTON: Right... cheers? JACKIE: Cheers. They clink glasses and drink. ELTON: Very nice. What's that, French? JACKIE: I s'pose so. They know how to do things, the French... ELTON: Is it from Rose? I mean, is she in France? JACKIE: My daughter won't be coming back tonight. Just in case you're wondering. We've got the place to ourselves. ELTON: Right... A pause, and we can hear Il Divo in the background. ELTON (CONT'D) (after listening): Nice music. JACKIE: Il Divo. ELTON: Yeah. JACKIE: You were saying, power surges. She advances on Elton, who backs away into the wall. ELTON: From the sub station, yeah. JACKIE: Is that why it gets so hot in here? ELTON: Is it hot? JACKIE: Oh I think so. Should take your jacket off. ELTON: No, I'm fine, I'll just... JACKIE: No, look, you must be boiling! She "accidentally" spills her wine down his shirt. JACKIE (CONT'D): Oh, look at your shirt! Sorry... ELTON: I'm... I'm... I'm fine, it's all right. JACKIE: I've ruined it. ELTON: No, no. Honestly, it's.. it's fine. JACKIE: Take it off, I'll put it in the wash. ELTON: Oh come on, it's only a little drop. Jackie sloshes the rest of her glass over the shirt - deliberately, not even pretending it's an accident. JACKIE: Oh... there now. Ruined. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, BATHROOM Elton scoots into the bathroom and starts shrugging off his jacket. ELTON (voice-over): And there I was. The ultimate step five. He takes his shirt off, and starts preening himself - doing his hair, spraying deodorant, etc. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): The perfect infiltration. He gargles with mouthwash, then makes some boxing moves to psych himself up. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): Target: Jackie Tyler. He points at himself in the mirror and clicks his fingers before leaving the bathroom. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, JACKIE'S BEDROOM Elton appears in Jackie's bedroom door. ELTON: You're right, it is a bit hot. But it's about to get hotter! Jackie's sitting on the bed, talking to someone on the phone. JACKIE (on the phone): I'll see you soon. All right, be careful. Elton looks concerned. JACKIE (CONT'D): Bye. She replaces the phone and sighs. ELTON: Everything alright? JACKIE: That was my daughter. She finally turns to the half naked Elton. Elton in turn looks sheepish. JACKIE (CONT'D): Oh, look at you. I'm sorry. I was just being stupid. ELTON: Is she okay? JACKIE: She's so far away. I get left here sometimes and, um... I don't know where she is, anything could be happening to her, anything. And I just go a bit mad. (Pause). Put your shirt back on. ELTON (quietly): Where is she? JACKIE: Doesn't matter. I'm sorry. You'd better go. Elton turns to leave, but has a thought. ELTON: Actually...(voice-over): That's when it struck me. Funny the things you think of with your shirt off. But that's when I realised what was really important. (To Jackie) : Never mind about Rose. I'm not even gonna ask. And I will put my shirt back on, because I'm going to go out and get us both a pizza. Cause I reckon you need cheering up. She goes swanning off and who's left to care about you, eh? So I say a nice bit of pizza, we'll put the telly on nice and loud and annoy that woman next door, just you and me as proper mates. Yeah? Mates. Go on. Say yes. JACKIE (whispers): Yes! EXT. SUBWAY Elton walks back through the subway with a box of pizza. ELTON (voiceover): All of a sudden, a lot of things made sense. I'd got so lost in conspiracies and aliens and targets, I'd been missing the obvious. Cos I did like Jackie, but I liked someone else even more! INT. ELTON'S BEDROOM Back in his flat, Elton is dancing along to "Mr Blue Sky" by ELO. Cut to various clips of him and Ursula together, all the good times they've had. EXT. THE POWELL ESTATE Back on the estate, Jackie is standing waiting outside, holding Elton's jacket. ELTON: Right. Let's get inside then, the pizza's getting cold. JACKIE (coldly): I went in your coat. For once in my life I thought: I'll pay. I thought: He's such a nice man, he won't accept anything, so I'll just slip a tenner in his pocket. And look what I found. She pulls out his photograph of Rose. JACKIE (CONT'D): A photograph of my daughter. ELTON: No, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. I can explain! JACKIE: I bet you can. ELTON: I wasn't being pervy or anything, I wasn't after her! I was looking for the Doctor. JACKIE: Oh I know that. I worked that out. 'Cos it's never me, is it? ELTON: No, but that's how it started, but I changed my mind! JACKIE: Let me tell you something. About those who get left behind. Because it's hard. And that's what you become, hard. But if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that I will never let her down. And I'll protect them both until the end of my life. So whatever you want, I'm warning you: back off. ELTON: But Jackie, I only wanted to meet him. JACKIE: I thought you liked me. ELTON: I do! JACKIE (shouting, upset): Just get out of here! (Throws his jacket at him). I said get out! And leave me alone! She runs back into the flat in tears, leaving Elton standing with the pizza and his jacket. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Elton's not happy. ELTON: And she was right! It's shameful, we used that woman... VICTOR: I knew I couldn't trust you! You broke cover, you stupid little man, you failed step five! ELTON: I don't care about step five! Because it's all gone wrong, Mr Kennedy, ever since you turned up! We used to come here every week, and we'd have a laugh. We were friends. No wonder they stopped coming. I mean there's no Bliss any more, and even Bridget, she hasn't turned up. MR SKINNER: I've been phoning and phoning her, there's no reply. ELTON: And who can blame her?! I'm sorry Victor, but you're on your own. Because I am leaving! And so are you, Mr Skinner! And as for you, Ursula... (Walks over to her desk and stands over her). You're coming with me. And we're going to the Golden Locust and we're gonna have a Chinese. URSULA: What's that got to do with it? ELTON: I mean you and me. Together. Having a meal. If you want... URSULA (touched): Oh... I'd love it. VICTOR: But you can't leave. You'll never know what he was doing, the Doctor. You'll never know what he was doing in your house all those years ago. ELTON: No. I'll never know. (Pause). Ursula, get your stuff. Mr Skinner, are you coming? Not to the Chinese, if you don't mind, just sort of walking out. MR SKINNER: I certainly am! ELTON: Victor. Good luck. Good bye. VICTOR: Mr Skinner! Would you stay for a minute, please? MR SKINNER: We're walking out. VICTOR: I've got numbers for Bridget! I've kept records, I've got old numbers. (Rummages in bag). We could track her down. Together. You and I. Elton exchanges a look with Ursula and Elton and shrugs. MR SKINNER: That's more like the old team spirit. You two have a nice time. URSULA: I hope you find her. ELTON: I'll email you. Elton and Ursula turn towards the door and Victor gestures for Mr Skinner to come up to the desk. VICTOR: Just come a little closer. Come on. Mr Skinner approaches the desk. EXT. STREET Elton and Ursula walk briskly along the street outside, hand in hand. URSULA: Mm, prawns! ELTON: Yeah, I like prawns. URSULA: Do you? A scream from Mr Skinner emits from the building, which neither of them hear. ELTON: Crispy aromatic though. URSULA (feeling her pockets): Oh, I left my phone... ELTON: Really? URSULA: Yeah! It's not in my pocket. ELTON: So much for the big exit. URSULA: Yeah... come on. They turn back. URSULA (CONT'D): Hurry up. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS The lift clunks back down to the basement. Elton and Ursula open the gates and step out. URSULA: I'm not stopping, I just left my... ph... phone. She trails off as she notices the lack of Mr Skinner. Victor is at his desk, hidden behind a paper. URSULA (CONT'D): Victor? VICTOR (slightly panicky, voice strange): Take your phone and go. URSULA (looking around): Where's Mr Skinner? VICTOR: He's gone to the toilet. ELTON (he and Ursula are slowly edging towards him): But... we haven't got toilets. We have to use the pub on the corner. VICTOR (uneasy, still hidden behind paper): Well... well... well that's... that's where he is, then. MR SKINNER (just his voice, sounding strangely squelchy): Help me... URSULA: ... What was that? VICTOR (voice rising): Nothing, it was nothing, it was nothing! MR SKINNER: Help me! VICTOR: Shut up. ELTON: That's Mr Skinner... URSULA (staring at the clawed green hands clutching the paper): Victor... look at your hands. VICTOR (lowering the paper): Look at the rest of me. Victor is revealed in his true form, a blob-like green alien. Fat and squelchy with a mane of black hair. VICTOR (CONT'D): You've dabbled with aliens... now meet the genuine article. URSULA (disgusted): Oh my God. ELTON: You're a... thing! VICTOR (put out): A thing? This thing is my true form. Better than that crude pink shape you call a body. Mr Skinner's face is poking out of Victor's fat green belly. MR SKINNER: What happened? Where am I? Ursula and Elton stare. MR SKINNER (CONT'D): Ursula? Is that you? URSULA (horrified): That's Mr Skinner! What've you done to him? VICTOR: I've absorbed him. He licks his lips. Bridget's face is sticking out of his back. BRIDGET: Colin? Is that you? Colin? MR SKINNER: Bridget, my love? URSULA: Oh my God! That's Bridget! BRIDGET (desperately): Colin, where are you? MR SKINNER: I'm here, Bridget! It's all right, I'm close. URSULA: You've absorbed them both! ELTON: What about Bliss? Where is she? The sound of Bliss straining to say something comes from within Victor. ELTON (CONT'D): ... What? Victor tilts to one side, taking his weight off one of his buttocks. BLISS: I said "you really don't want to know". Victor shifts his weight back and Bliss groans. ELTON: You've absorbed her. Victor nods with a twisted smile ELTON (CONT'D): Are you some sort of... Absorbathon? An Absorbaling? ... An Absorbaloff? VICTOR: Yes! I like that. URSULA: Let them go. I'm ordering you! Let those people go! VICTOR: Oh, but they taste so sweet. Just think about the Doctor... oooh, how will he taste? All that experience, all that knowledge, and if I've got to absorb Jackie Tyler to get to him, then so be it. ELTON (menacingly): Don't you dare. Ursula suddenly grabs Victor's cane and brandishes it at him. He cowers. URSULA: If I have to beat them out of you! VICTOR (simpering): Oh, no! Please don't hit me! Look at me, I'm such a slow and clumsy beast. Please don't hit me. URSULA: Well then... give them back. VICTOR: What... you mean like this? (Grabs hold of Ursula's arm). Just one touch... that's all it takes! URSULA: Oh, no! She watches, helpless, as her arm is absorbed by the Absorbaloff. URSULA (CONT'D) (scared): Oh... oh no! MR SKINNER: No! BRIDGET: No! ELTON (yells, lunges forward): Leave her alone! URSULA: Don't touch me! Oh, Elton... I'm so sorry... you can't touch me. ELTON (helpless): Ursula... VICTOR (triumphantly): "Most likely to fight back" indeed. ELTON: Leave her alone! Ursula screams and she is absorbed head first into Victor. Victor shakes, squirming with pleasure as the outline of Ursula's face begins to emerge onto his chest. VICTOR: Yes. ELTON: No, that's not fair! VICTOR (conversationally): She tastes like chicken. Ursula's face has now fully appeared on his chest. URSULA: Elton, where are you? ELTON (quietly): Please... Mr Kennedy, please. I'm asking you. I'm begging you. Give her back to me. VICTOR (unsympathetically): I can't. Once they've been absorbed, the process is irreversible. He sniggers. URSULA: Wait a minute... now I've been absorbed, I can read his thoughts. Oh my God, Elton... you're next... get out of here... (Victor begins to look up at Elton, smirking). Now you've seen him, he can't let you go. Just run! Go on! Never mind me, get out! VICTOR: Isn't she the clever one? URSULA (screams): Run, Elton! Run! MR SKINNER: Save yourself, boy! BRIDGET: Run for your life! While Elton hesitates, Victor stands with surprising agility for a creature his size. He leaps right over the desk and roars. Elton runs. EXT. STREET Out of the doors, down the street, Victor hot on his tail. EXT. SIDE ALLEY Then he reaches a dead end, slamming into a closed gate. Victor comes to a halt, having Elton cornered. Elton kneels, defeated. VICTOR (mockingly): Ohh, what's the matter? Have you given up so soon? ELTON (hopelessly): There's no point. Where would I go? Everything I ever wanted... has been absorbed. URSULA: Oh, Elton. Don't say that. ELTON: But it's true! VICTOR: Then join us. Join us, little man. (Starts towards him, beckoning). Come on... everlasting peace. Come on. Join us. Dissolve into me... He reaches out to touch Elton's forehead. Elton closes his eyes, surrendering, when they hear a sound and feel a breeze that makes Victor look around and Elton open his eyes. The TARDIS materialises right in front of them, and the Doctor steps out, looking less than happy. THE DOCTOR (to Elton): Someone wants a word with you. Rose steps out. She looks murderous and advances dangerously on Elton. ROSE (straight to the point): You upset my mum. Elton stares, and then glances at the Absorbaloff, which the Doctor and Rose have completely ignored, much to his bewilderment. ELTON: ... Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me? ROSE (dismissing this): No one upsets my mum. VICTOR (gleefully): At last. The greatest feast of all. The Doctor. THE DOCTOR (considering him): What's this thing? A sort Absorbatrix? Absorba... clon? Absorbaloff? VICTOR: Absorbaloff, yes. ROSE (quietly, to the Doctor): Is it me or is he a bit... Slitheen? THE DOCTOR (to Victor): Not from Raxacorricofallapatorius, are you? VICTOR (insulted): No! I'm not the swine! I spit on them! I was born on their twin planet. THE DOCTOR: Really? What's the twin planet of Raxacorricofallapatorius? VICTOR: Clom. THE DOCTOR: Clom. VICTOR: Clom. Yes. And I'll return there victorious, whilst I possess your travelling machine. Gestures the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR (skeptical): Well, that's never gonna happen. VICTOR: Oh, it will. You'll surrender yourself to me, Doctor, or this one dies. (Gestures Elton). You see, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you. So passionate, so sweet. You wouldn't let an innocent man die. And I'll absorb him - unless you give yourself to me. Rose looks up at the Doctor, amused. He scratches the back of his neck. THE DOCTOR: Sweet... maybe. Passionate... I suppose. But don't ever mistake that for nice. (not what Victor was expecting). Do what you want. And he waits, as though completely indifferent about what happens to Elton. Rose glances up at him again. VICTOR (warningly): He'll die, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Go on then. Victor hesitates, completely wrong-footed. Even Rose looks slightly worried. VICTOR: So be it. He turns to Elton. THE DOCTOR: Mind you, the others might have something to say. VICTOR: Others? URSULA: He's right. The Doctor's right. We can't let him. Oh, Mr Skinner... Bridget... Pull! VICTOR: No! URSULA: For God's sake, pull! VICTOR: No, don't, get off, get off! The three of them strain outwards, stretching Victor apart. URSULA: If it's the last thing we ever do, Bliss! All of us together! Come on! Pull! Victor wails in pain and panic. URSULA (CONT'D): LINDA united! Pull! Victor drops his cane. URSULA (CONT'D): Elton! The cane! Elton picks it up. URSULA (CONT'D): Break it! Elton snaps the cane in half, and it emits a shower of blue sparks. The hands on the end open outwards, revealing a glowing light. VICTOR: My cane! You stupid man... oh no! He roars one final time, turns into liquid and falls into the pavement, gone. ELTON: ... What did I do? THE DOCTOR (looking at the bubbling remains of Victor): The cane created a limitation field. Now it's broken, he can't stopped. The absorber is being absorbed. ELTON: By what? THE DOCTOR: By the Earth. Victor dissolves into the paving stones. For a fleeting moment, the shape of Ursula's face appears on one. He lunges towards her. URSULA: Bye bye, Elton. Bye bye. And she sinks back into the paving slab. A tear runs down Elton's cheek. Rose's anger has melted away. ROSE: Who was she? ELTON (tearful): That was Ursula. Rose looks at him for a moment, and then goes to him and puts her arms around his shoulders as he weeps quietly. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Back to the video diary. ELTON: And that's it. Almost. Because the Doctor still had more to say. EXT. SIDE ALLEY THE DOCTOR: You don't remember, do you? INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: And then he explained. That night. EXT. SIDE ALLEY Elton sits between the Doctor and Rose on some steps, Rose's armed linked through his. ELTON (CONT'D) (voice-over): All those years ago. THE DOCTOR: There was a shadow in your house. INT. ELTON'S CHILDHOOD HOME We return once again to young Elton's view from the top of the stairs in his childhood home, fade to the hallway and then to the living room. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (voice-over): A living shadow in the darkness. An elemental shade had escaped from the Howling Halls. All those years ago, a troubled Doctor looks down at Elton. EXT. SIDE ALLEY THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I stopped it, but... I wasn't in time to save her. (He looks Elton in the eyes). I'm sorry. INT. ELTON'S CHILDHOOD HOME In the living room, the camera pans down from the Doctor to reveal a blonde woman lying dead on the floor. ELTON (voice-over): Because that was the night my mother died. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton sighs, eyes closed. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S CHILDHOOD HOME, KITCHEN Cut to old footage of Elton's mother doing the washing up, smiling in indignation at someone filming her, mouthing "stop it, go away! " good humouredly. She tries to hide her face and then resorts to flicking bubbles at whoever is filming, laughing. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton says nothing, hands clasped in front of him. EXT. SIDE ALLEY On the steps, Elton's lip trembles. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton is away from the camera, but we can see him sitting on his bed in the background, head bowed. EXT. PARK Cut to footage of Elton as a little boy, walking hand and hand with his mother in a park. She bends down and says something to him - then walks away, leaving him standing alone. She waves to him. Fade to white. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton's sitting in front of the camera again on the video diary, but not looking at it. ELTON (quietly): We forget because we must. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM Elton switches the camera on, it's now pointing at his computer desk. He settles himself in the chair. ELTON: So, there you go. Turns out I've had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. And sometimes, well, I can't tell the difference. They're all the same thing. They're... they're just me. You know, Stephen King said once, he said... "salvation and damnation are the same thing". And I never knew what he meant. But I do now. (He thinks about this). 'Cos the Doctor might be wonderful, but thinking back... I was having such a special time. Just for a bit. I had this nice little gang. INT. LINDA HEADQUARTERS Flashback to the basement, LINDA's band playing, having a thoroughly good time. INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON (CONT'D): And they were destroyed. It's not his fault. But maybe that's what happens if you touch the Doctor. Even for a second. I keep thinking of Rose and Jackie. And how much longer before they pay the price. URSULA (out of view): Oh, now don't get all miserable. Come on, Elton. You've still got me. ELTON: Oh yeah. 'Cos the Doctor said he could do one last thing with his magic wand... EXT. SIDE ALLEY The Doctor holds his sonic screwdriver to the paving slab into which Ursula dissolved. THE DOCTOR: If I can key into the absorption matrix and separate the last victim... it's too late for total reconstruction, but... He stands. Looks up, eyes wide. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Elton! Fetch a spade! INT. HOME VIDEO, ELTON'S BEDROOM ELTON: Even then, after all that... the Doctor saved me one last time. He stands up and retrieves a paving slab which had been sitting on the desk just out of frame. He sits back down and sets it on his lap. ELTON: Here she is. URSULA: Could be worse. Ursula's face is peering out of the paving slab. URSULA (CONT'D): At least I'll never age. And it really is quite peaceful, you'd be surprised. ELTON (to the camera): It's a relationship... of sorts... but we manage. We've even got a bit of a love life. URSULA: Oh, let's not go into that. ELTON: And I don't care what anyone thinks. I love her. URSULA (smiling up at him): Ahh. ELTON: But the thing is... He picks up a remote control and points it at the camera - it zooms in and refocuses on his face. ELTON (CONT'D): There we are... I've even bought a remote zoom. (He replaces the remote). But what I wanted to say is... you know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all, grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it. (He shakes his head). Ah. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. (Pauses, smiles). And so much better.
Plan: A: Elton Pope; Q: Who first saw the Doctor in his living room? A: Internet searches; Q: How did Elton Pope find Ursula Blake? A: past experiences; Q: What does Ursula Blake have with the Doctor? A: three; Q: How many members of LINDA are absorbed by the Abzorbaloff? A: LINDA; Q: What group does Elton Pope form with Ursula Blake? A: their meetings; Q: What does LINDA become more social about? A: Victor Kennedy; Q: Who interrupts a meeting of LINDA? A: two members; Q: How many members of the group mysteriously go missing? A: Ursula's phone; Q: What do Ursula and Elton return to the meeting room to retrieve? A: the TARDIS; Q: What appears to save Elton from the Abzorbaloff? A: the Abzorbaloff's cane; Q: What is the field generator that the Abzorbaloff uses? A: the creature; Q: What does Elton destroy when he breaks the Abzorbaloff's cane? A: a paving slab; Q: Where does the Doctor preserve Ursula? Summary: Through his video diary, Elton Pope tells how he first saw the Doctor in his living room when he was a boy, and that he plans to find the Doctor again. Through Internet searches he finds Ursula Blake, who has also had past experiences with the Doctor. Elton, Ursula, and three other members who have had encounters with the Doctor, form a group called LINDA to discuss these encounters, but their meetings soon become more social. One day a man known as Victor Kennedy interrupts one of the group's meetings and reinvigorates LINDA's purpose to locate the Doctor. Later, two members of the group mysteriously go missing, and one day Ursula and Elton return to the meeting room to retrieve Ursula's phone. There Kennedy reveals himself to be an Abzorbaloff , who has absorbed the other three LINDA members. Ursula receives the same fate and the Abzorbaloff corners Elton, but the TARDIS appears and the Doctor discovers the Abzorbaloff's cane is a field generator and Elton breaks it, destroying the creature. The Doctor manages to preserve Ursula in a paving slab, which Elton takes home.
Scene: The stairwell. The guys are carrying kites. Leonard: Kites, ho! Howard: Kites ho! Raj: Kites ho! All three: Kites, ho! Sheldon: Excuse me. You're misusing the word ho. It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho! The three guys: Kites, ho! Penny: Hey, guys. What you doing? Going out to discover electricity? Leonard: If you're referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not discover electricity, he merely used a kite to determine that lightning consists of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho. Leonard: We're heading out for some kite fighting. Penny: Kite fighting? Leonard: Oh, yeah. It's an extremely competitive, cutthroat sport. Sheldon: Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger. Leonard: You want to come watch? Penny: Oh, gee, sounds amazing, but, um, I've got some friends coming over. Not a big thing, we're just gonna watch the Nebraska game. Leonard: Oh. Football, sure. Howard: Good guess. Penny: I would've invited you, but I know you're not a football fan. Leonard: No, no, I'm not, so, great. You've got plans doing something you like, I've got plans doing something I like, so it's good. Penny: Well, maybe we'll hang out later, you know, after everybody's gone. Leonard: Yeah, great. Penny: See ya. Leonard: Well, this sucks. Sheldon: I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie? Raj: Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny, little man who flies kites. Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck. Credits sequence. Scene: The park. Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I'll go under and cut his line. Leonard: Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me? Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed. Leonard: Maybe Koothrappali's right, maybe I embarrass her. Sheldon: You're embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites. Leonard: Sorry. Sheldon: Sorry won't bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn! Raj: Oh, they think we're flanking, they're playing right into our hands. On the count of three, we execute the flying scissor. One, two... Howard: Whoa! Did you see that? Raj: See what? Howard: That chick, she smiled at me. Raj: No, she didn't. Howard: Yes, she did. Raj: Come on, scissors, scissors! Howard: Hold my line. Raj: Wait, what are you doing? I can't scissors by myself! Howard! Come back! Sheldon: Victory! Raj: Son of a bitch. Scene: Leonard's car. Raj: You're a sucky friend, you know that? A sucky, sucky friend. Howard: What was I supposed to do? She gave me that come-hither look. Raj: If she gave you any look at l. It was a you suck look. Howard: I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy. Raj: Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy. Leonard: So, Penny doesn't want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be? Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she's excluded you from these gatherings because she's scouting for a new mate and doesn't want to do it in front of you. Leonard: Oh, how kind of her. Sheldon: Agreed. Most primates don't show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do? Raj: You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don't have a shot with. Howard: I totally had a shot. Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That's not a shot, that's a felony. What's worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me my kite back? Sheldon: I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: Hey. Penny: Hi. Leonard: How was your football party? Penny: It was pretty good. We won. Leonard: Oh, that's excellent. It's a weird figure of speech, isn't it, we won when you weren't actually playing. When we watch Star Wars, we don't say, we defeated the Empire. Penny: I'm glad to hear it. Leonard: Oh, hey, on a related subject, are you embarrassed to have me around your friends? Penny: Oh, my god, no. Why would you ask that? Leonard: Well, you know, I just noticed I haven't really met any of them. Penny: Sure you have. Leonard: Well, yeah, no, I met the huge ex-boyfriend and the smaller yet still larger than me ex-boyfriend. Were they here today? Penny: Of course not. Leonard: Of course not. Why would they be? Why would I ask? Why am I rambling? Why don't you stop me? Penny: Leonard, look, if you want to meet my friends, that would be great. I just, you know, I didn't want you to be bored. Leonard: I wouldn't be bored. Why would I be bored? Penny: Well, 'cause they're not genius scientists. Leonard: Penny, I like all sorts of people. In fact, some of my best friends aren't geniuses. Penny: Like who? Leonard: Okay, some of my Facebook friends aren't geniuses. My point is, if we're going to be a couple, I should be friends with your friends. Penny: Okay, great. Well, then why don't you come over next Saturday and watch the game with us. Leonard: Another football game? Penny: They have them every week. Leonard: Did not know that. Penny: You wanted to meet my friends. Leonard: Sure, sure, just I don't know much about football. Penny: Oh, that's okay, a lot of the guys' girlfriends don't know football. They just kind of drink and talk in the kitchen. Leonard: Great. Scene: The apartment. Leonard and Raj are watching a football game on the television. Leonard: Okay, a complete pass. First down, New England. I think I'm starting to get this. Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often and have trouble getting erections. Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj. Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help. Howard (arriving): Raj, what are you doing here? You were supposed to help me pimp out my Vespa. Raj: I'm sorry, are you under the impression that we're still friends? Howard: Oh come on, you're not still grinding on the kite thing, are you? Raj: It's not just the kite thing. Every time we go some place, you think you can just dump me whenever someone prettier comes along, even though you don't have a shot with them. Howard: But I had a shot with that jogger. Raj: Fine. Paint green flames on your little scooter with her. (Leaves) Howard: It's not a little scooter. It's the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football? Leonard: There's no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there? Howard: All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there. Leonard: Sacks, sacks... Sheldon: It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage. Leonard: Huh... Scrimmage... Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence. Leonard: Oh. Howard: Sheldon knows football? Leonard: Apparently. Howard: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football? Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot. Leonard: Unbelievable. Sheldon: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken. Leonard: So you could teach me? Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats? Leonard: Football. I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I'd think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage. Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It'll be fun. Sheldon: That's exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life. Leonard: Please, I'm asking you as a friend. Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Fine. Leonard: I really appreciate this. Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen. Leonard: I'm sorry? Sheldon: That's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself. Scene: The kitchen. Sheldon is making toast in a cylon toaster which burns an image of a cylon onto the toast. Leonard: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast? Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's? Leonard: What's wrong with a football jersey? Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress. Leonard: I's the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can't believe they had one for dogs. Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way. Leonard: Anyway, wish me luck. Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her? Leonard: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way. Sheldon: How would you put it? Leonard: Yeah, okay, like you said. Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho. Leonard: Good-Bye, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast? Leonard: Yeah, no, I'm trying to fit in, not get laughed at. Sheldon: What's funny about Cylon toast? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj is watching a Bollywood movie. There is a knock on the door. Raj: It's open. Howard: Hey, pal. Raj: What do you want? Howard: I brought you a little gift. New kite. Raj: The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang, an Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty. Howard: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang? Raj: Wow, you just don't get it, do you? Buying me something pretty isn't going to make our problem just go away. Howard: Look, I admit I haven't always been the best friend I could be. Raj: You've been a sucky friend, a sucky, sucky friend. Howard: Stipulated. Raj: And you do it all the time. Last week in the mall at Radio Shack, we were looking for a phone with giant numbers for your mother, and I suddenly realize you're not even there. Howard: I know, I know. Raj: And where were you? Howard: Getting shot down by the girl at Hot Dog on a Stick. But in my defence, she was gorgeous, and working that squeezer to make the lemonade, going up and down and up and down. It was like a free pole dance right in the middle of the food court. Raj: You're impossible. Howard: Hey, at least I can talk to women without being drunk. Raj: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche. Howard: No. You know what? Maybe that's what this whole thing's about. You're not mad at me, you're mad at yourself. Raj: No, I'm mad at you. I hate myself, but I'm mad at you. Howard: Fine. You're mad at me. I get it. Now, how about we go spend the day together? Just the two of us. We'll go anywhere you want. Raj: I don't know. Howard: Come on. Let me take you someplace nice. Raj: I... I do enjoy the La Brea Tar Pits. Howard: Really, now? With the traffic and the parking, it's... okay, fine. The Tar Pits. Let's go. Raj: Oh, why can't I stay mad at you? Scene: Penny's apartment. Everyone is watching football. Leonard: Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what? Penny: Sweetie, that's a highlight from the '98 championship game. Leonard: Oh. Did not know that. Penny: How much beer have you had? Leonard: None, why? Penny: Oh. I was just kind of hoping you were drunk. Now we're back live. Leonard: Okay, yeah. I can see the difference. Guy in baseball hat: Oh, where's the flag, that's intentional grounding. Second guy: Totally. Leonard: That completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can't believe they're not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul. Penny: Here, have some pizza, sweetie. Leonard: Penny, you know I'm lactose intolerant. Penny: I know. I just need you stop talking. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: Sheldon, come in. Sheldon: Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread. Penny: There's some in the fridge. Sheldon: You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures. Penny: On Earth, we say thank you. Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis? Leonard: Mimesis? Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis. Leonard: What the hell are you talking about? Sheldon: I'm attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Leonard: Oh, I guess so. Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I'm taking Koothrappali's Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me? Leonard: I don't want to fly kites, Sheldon. We're watching football here. Sheldon: I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances. Leonard: Oh, look at that. The Oklahoma coach has thrown down a red flag indicating he's challenging the ruling on the field. I hope he's right, 'cause if he's not, it'll cost him one of his three time-Outs. Penny: You know, Leonard, honey, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon. Leonard: No, I'll watch the end of the game. Besides, there's only three minutes left. Penny: Until half time. Leonard: This is just half? We've been here for hours. Penny: And you're gonna be here for a couple more. Leonard: Oh, you're kidding me. Penny: No. Leonard: Nice meeting all of you. Penny: So, yeah, anyway, that's my boyfriend. He is really smart. Scene: The Le Brea Tar Pits. Raj: I really like my saber-toothed cat. Thank you. Howard: My pleasure. Maybe after lunch, we can go to Marie Callender's and have some pie. Raj: I'd like that. This is turning out to be a perfect Saturday. Howard: Good. I'm glad. Oh, man. Did you see the way she smiled at me? Raj: Fine. Go ahead. Howard: No. This is our day. Raj: If you want to chase after her, chase after her. Howard: Ah, who am I kidding? I wouldn't have a shot with a girl like that. Raj: Don't put yourself down. You're a very attractive man. Howard: You think so? Raj: Yeah. Absolutely. It wouldn't kill you to take a Pilates class with me now and then, but you have a certain wiry appeal. Howard: Yeah, well, it doesn't matter 'cause she wasn't really smiling at me. Raj: Actually, in this case, I think she was. Howard: Really? Raj: Yeah. Howard: Bye. Raj: What a douche.
Plan: A: Penny; Q: Who feels bad for Leonard when he refuses to fly kites with Sheldon? A: Penny's football-loving friends; Q: Who does Leonard try to fit in with? A: a large amount; Q: How much football knowledge does Sheldon surprise Leonard with? A: his father; Q: Who forced Sheldon to learn football? A: Penny's football party; Q: Where does Leonard bring his football knowledge? A: a normal childhood; Q: What does Leonard want to experience that he never got to experience? A: Howard upsets; Q: Who does Raj feel is abandoning him to pursue women? A: activities; Q: What does Howard abandon Raj during to pursue women? Summary: Leonard attempts to fit in with Penny's football-loving friends, despite initially knowing nothing about the game. However, it is Sheldon who surprises him with a large amount of football knowledge (forced on him by his father in his childhood), which Leonard later brings to Penny's football party. When Leonard refuses to fly kites with Sheldon, upsetting him as he never got to experience a normal childhood, Penny feels bad and allows Leonard to go, especially after pointing out how he is boring everyone at the party. Howard upsets Raj by repeatedly abandoning him during activities to pursue women.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... In the Food Court, Veronica takes a swig of her drink in 307 "Of Vice and Men." She later tries to get to her car, under the influence of the drug with which her drink has been spiked. She collapses by her car and her keys slip out of her hand. As a dark figure approaches her, she reaches out for them. The car alarm sounds briefly. Logan gallops along the line of cars, searching for her. Having found her, he cradles her in his arms, noting as he does the lock of hair left on the parking garage floor. He checks the back of her head, exposing that a patch has been shaved, leaving a bloody balk spot. Cut to Veronica walking across campus towards the Take Back the Night Rally in 301 "Welcome Wagon." NANCY: How many women like me have to be raped, have to end up like this, their heads shaved, before this administration listens to our demands? Shut down the fraternity houses! Many in the crowd cheer. Cut to the Theta Beta Zeta sorority house in 302 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week." Hallie enthuses at the undercover sorority prospect. HALLIE: Welcome to Zeta Theta Beta. I'm Hallie. What's your name? VERONICA: Veronica. The dean tears into Claire and her lawyer, in the presence of Veronica and Nish, in 306 "Hi, Infidelity." DEAN O'DELL: There's no question Claire lied about the rape. You're expelled from Hearst College as of this moment. Veronica is caught by a couple of Pi Sigma Sigma fraternity brothers at their sexual conquest scoreboard in the basement in 216 "The Rapes of Graff." CHIP: What the hell are you doing here? VERONICA: Three hundred points? Nice work. Chip attempts to steer Veronica away. CHIP: Look, this is our business. I don't have to apologize- VERONICA: For being a rapist? At the Theta Beta Zeta sorority house rush party, Marjorie pulls Veronica over to meet someone in 302 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week." MARJORIE: You should meet Chip. He's president of the Pi Sigs. CHIP: This girl accused me of rape last year. VERONICA: Oh, you! Veronica playfully punches him, as if he is kidding. End previously. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Music: "Made to Be Broken" by Paul Minor. LYRICS: Goodness and kindness are down on their knees They're both begging, "Won't somebody please" "Put us out of our miseries" "Before somebody else does the choking" I'm hung up and hungry, and mad at the world My spirit was made to be broken On a patch of grass, a couple of boys, Bob and Ted, are playing with a Frisbee. As Bob runs back to catch the Frisbee, he trips over something. Rubbing his elbow, he looks back. It is the unconscious and stripped-to-his-underwear Chip Diller. The hair on Chip's head has been shaved. He laughs and crouches down next to him. He gestures to his friend. BOB: Ooh! Dude, come here! Ted walks over, having seen enough to be getting out his cell phone. TED: Dude! It's Chip Diller! Laughing, Ted crouches down the other side of Chip, taking a picture. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY. End music: "Made to Be Broken" by Paul Minor. Former front pages line the walls. Nish's replacement walks into the cubicle formerly hers, checking through a file. He takes his seat. According to the yellow notice taped on the wall, he is Wilson Behan and he is talking to Veronica. WILSON: Your portfolio was still in a former editor's desk when I took over. I understand you two had some baggage but that's irrelevant to me. I'll take a talented photographer where I can find one. VERONICA: Great. Thanks. WILSON: You free tonight? Veronica is a little taken aback. VERONICA: Um...to take photos? WILSON: Yes. [condescendingly] It's why you're here. You know about the election? VERONICA: The board of trustees is voting on a resolution to remove the Greek system from Hearst. WILSON: That's the one. Vote's tomorrow. Tonight there's a reception - that's university speak for "cocktail party" - for the Board of Trustees. We need art. VERONICA: Yeah, I can shoot it. WILSON: Bonus points if you get the dean wearing a lampshade. But mostly we want pictures of our most famous alum and board member, Selma Rose. Wilson rises from his seat and starts to walk. Veronica joins him. VERONICA: Selma Hearst Rose? They pass another yellow staff notice, noting that for today, the Operations Manager is Chris Flores. WILSON: The very. Granddaughter of our illustrious founder and heir to the Hearst-Mart fortune. They polled all the trustees. Word is Selma's the swing vote. Wilson delivers notices to the other cubicles as they pass. VERONICA: My mom, California's last flower child, loved her. She had a poster of her; you know the shot I'm talking about? He finishes his job and passes the file he is carrying to someone else, turning to head back to his cubicle. WILSON: Flying over Watts in '73, dumping out sacks of cash, her entire trust fund. She's giving the thumbs-up, huge smile on her face, while millions rain down on the ghetto. VERONICA: Well, she had her heart in the right place. They pause on route at the counter where the public enter. WILSON: Riots ensued. She was arrested when she landed. Served a month in county jail. Perhaps the most embarrassing case of noblesse oblige in the twentieth century. TED: Yo! Ted enters, carrying a photograph. Bob is behind him. TED: You guys pay for photos? WILSON: Sometimes. TED: Great. I got your front page right here. Ted slides the picture across the counter. It is the picture he took of Chip. Wilson picks it up. WILSON: Is that Chip Diller? Ted chuckles. Behind him, Bob is grinning. Veronica takes the picture from Wilson's hand and peers at it. TED: President of the Pi Sigs in all his glory. Yep She doesn't find it as funny as her male contemporaries. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica, garbed in a red frilly dress, grabs her bag as she exits her bedroom, shouting at Keith, who is in his own bedroom, as she goes. VERONICA: I'm off to steal the souls of the rich with my evil image-capturing device. KEITH: [offscreen] Have fun. Oh, and call Logan. He left a couple messages. VERONICA: I will. Bye! Veronica reaches the door and pulls it open just as Logan was about to knock. LOGAN: Wow, synchronicity. VERONICA: Hey there, tall, dark, and timely. LOGAN: I've been trying to reach you all day. Did you get my messages? VERONICA: I did. I'm sorry. I was gonna- Logan enters the apartment, walking past her. LOGAN: We need to have a talk, a serious one. VERONICA: Yeah, I got that from your messages. That-it's why I haven't called. I haven't had time to have a talk. LOGAN: Well, then I'll make it quick. I want you to stay away from the rape case. Okay? Just let it go. And it's clear the rapist knows who you are. Veronica holds up a hand in a warning gesture, glancing towards Keith's room. She drops her voice and fingers stray to her hair, back in a bun. VERONICA: He doesn't know about the hair, just about the getting dosed part. LOGAN: Well, maybe he should be in the loop on this one. VERONICA: Don't you dare. LOGAN: Fine. Just stop digging around. Okay? No more looking into the serial rapes. No more putting your nose where it doesn't belong. Veronica is beginning to take umbrage at being told what to do. VERONICA: My nose kind of belongs wherever I decide to put it. LOGAN: I'm worried about you. Okay? I want you to stop now. I'm not kidding. VERONICA: Kind of a one-eighty, isn't it? Can we rewind a week? Cue it up to the part where you were asking me to exonerate your Mexican vacation buddy, Mercer. LOGAN: That was before you were attacked. [increasingly agitated and loud] Why can't you for once just leave things alone? VERONICA: Okay, now you're starting to piss me off. Logan raises his voice. LOGAN: Frankly, Veronica, so what?! You're not invincible, and you're not always right! Keith, in his dressing gown, comes out of his bedroom. KEITH: Hey! Logan looks over his shoulder at him. Veronica takes a deep breath. KEITH: You might want to stop yelling at my daughter. LOGAN: Yeah? You might want to start. Logan storms past Veronica and out the door while Veronica placates Keith who appears to be determined to follow Logan out. VERONICA: Dad, please, it's okay. He's just worried about me. They both reach and pause at the door. KEITH: Does he have a reason to be? Veronica sighs heavily. VERONICA: The Hearst rapist has everyone on edge. Keith looks out again, presumably at Logan's back. His face softens. He looks back at Veronica KEITH: Well, you take care of yourself. I'm always a phone call away. Veronica smiles. VERONICA: I know you are. She reaches up to give him a hug. He chuckles. VERONICA: Ciao, Papa. Veronica leaves. Keith stares after her and sighs. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RECEPTION ROOM - NIGHT. The reception is in full swing. Snatches of conversations can be heard as the great and the good gather. A couple of waiters circulate with trays. Veronica is taking photographs. She turns and can see Dean O'Dell with Selma Hearst Rose. O'Dell grabs an appetizer from a passing waiter. DEAN O'DELL: Selma, who am I gonna tell? SELMA: How can I be the swing vote if you know which way I'm going to swing? VERONICA: Mind if I take a quick shot for the Hearst Free Press? DEAN O'DELL: Which one of my good sides do you want? SELMA: I'm guessing the one without the trail of Thousand Island. Selma passes him her napkin and he wipes his face. DEAN O'DELL: You should really be nice to me. I'm about to kiss your ass. O'Dell puts his arm around her and they pose for Veronica. She takes the shot. Cut to later. O'Dell taps the microphone and addresses his guests, standing at a small lectern in front of a fancy sign: "Welcome Board of Trustees." Under the words is the crest and "Hearst College." DEAN O'DELL: I want to thank you all for coming. Hearst College is extremely fortunate to have such well-respected members on its board. And we're especially thrilled tonight to add Selma Rose to our distinguished panel. O'Dell leads a round of polite applause. Veronica takes a picture of him before dropping the camera and listening. DEAN O'DELL: Since taking over the family business two years ago, Ms. Rose has step-by-step turned Hearst-Mart into a leader in corporate responsibility. Veronica checks her camera then readies herself for the money shot. DEAN O'DELL: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Selma Hearst Rose. O'Dell holds out a welcoming hand and the small crowd clap. The clapping dies away when Selma doesn't appear. DEAN O'DELL: Selma? You're not waiting for me to carry you piggyback, are you? O'Dell chuckles at the joke that only he appreciates. Everyone else in the crowd looks around, perplexed. DEAN O'DELL: Selma? O'Dell puts his hand above his eyes, scanning the crowd. Veronica looks intrigued. Cut to later. Most of the guests have gone and two waiters are collecting glasses. Veronica is still there in the background, talking to one of the lingering guests. At the door to the main reception room, Lamb is talking to O'Dell. LAMB: Foul play. You think? What makes you say so? DEAN O'DELL: An extremely wealthy woman disappears in the middle of a reception held in her honour. Don't you find that, I don't know, odd? LAMB: Well, I mean, there's "odd" and there's "foul play." Rich ladies aren't the most reliable creatures. DEAN O'DELL: Of course, she must have remembered her tennis lesson. How silly of her to forget. I don't suppose there's someone I can speak with who would take this seriously. LAMB: Dollars to doughnuts, you'll find her sobbing into a mojito at the club because she lost an earring. DEAN O'DELL: Well, you'd be the doughnut expert. Excuse me. O'Dell marches past Lamb, into the room. Lamb watches as O'Dell approaches Veronica. DEAN O'DELL: Veronica, I'd like to talk to your dad. O'Dell points back at Lamb. DEAN O'DELL: This man is no help whatsoever. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - NIGHT. Veronica is striding confidently down a portico running alongside one of the buildings, talking on her cell phone. VERONICA: Beer off your belly, hand out of your boxers. Put on some pants. I'm bringing home a visitor. She stops short on the sound of glass breaking. She looks behind her, but doesn't see anything. VERONICA: Okay, I love you. Bye. She switches off the phone and looks around her again. It is very dark and she sees a figure in the shadows, taking a quick step out of what light there is. Veronica digs into her bag as she takes a few more steps forward and looks out across the courtyard she needs to traverse. She clutches the taser she has retrieved from her bag and runs across. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. O'Dell sets down his coffee mug onto the kitchen counter. DEAN O'DELL: I've known this woman for almost twenty years. If there's a microphone and an audience, she's not going anywhere unless dragged. Keith is sitting opposite him at the counter. Veronica is standing behind Keith, leaning against the stove. KEITH: You talked to her husband? DEAN O'DELL: He's terrified. I'm telling you, anyone who knows Selma knows something is seriously wrong. Look, the Sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches. Keith and Veronica both smirk at that. DEAN O'DELL: I'm afraid she's been kidnapped, Keith. Hearst College has had riots, rapes...and now abductions? I need you to find her. Opening credits. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. Cut to a little later. Keith is showing O'Dell to the door. KEITH: So, I'll do what I can on the computer tonight and start with the legwork in the morning. DEAN O'DELL: Thanks, Keith. O'Dell steps outside, but turns back to face Keith on a thought. DEAN O'DELL: Oh, one last thing. One of the board members said he saw Selma talking to a waitress as I began my introduction. He turned around as I was calling for her, and she was gone. KEITH: All right, we'll follow up on that. They point at each other in farewell. KEITH: Good night, Cyrus. O'Dell leaves and Keith shuts the door. He folds his arms and turns to his daughter. KEITH: So, here's my thought: I'll go talk to the family tomorrow, and you talk to the waitress and the caterer. VERONICA: Ah...high road... She points at him, then back at herself with her thumb, forming a gun. VERONICA: Low road. She clicks her tongue. VERONICA: Got it. Veronica heads for her bedroom as Keith grins in his amusement. He shakes his head and sighs. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RECEPTION ROOM - DAY. The same room that served as the location for the reception now serves as a dining room. The tables are more or less set. Linda, the caterer, is folding napkins and placing them in the glasses. Veronica, complete with a bandana on her head, is following Linda around the tables as she works. VERONICA: So, one of the board members said they saw Selma Rose talking with a waitress before she disappeared. I was hoping to get the names and numbers of your waitstaff. LINDA: Who are you again? VERONICA: Veronica...Mars. I'm working for the dean. You can call him if you want. LINDA: Well, if it was a waitress and not a waiter, then you only need one name. There was only one girl working last night. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica is leaning against the wall, waiting for one of the classes to disgorge. She spots her target. VERONICA: Hey, Fern. What up, girl? FERN: What do you want, Buffy...Tiffany...whatever your name is? Veronica keeps pace with Fern up the hallway. VERONICA: "The Female Voice in Celtic Literature." I am woman, hear me bore. Fern snorts. VERONICA: I heard you had a little chat with Selma Rose last night, right before she disappeared. Fern slows and Veronica steps in front of her. VERONICA: Can I guess? She was contemplating a nose ring? FERN: I was letting her know she had a phone call. VERONICA: Who was calling for her? FERN: I don't know. Some woman. The phone was ringing off the hook in the kitchen. It was driving me up the wall, so I answered it. Someone wanted to speak to Selma Rose and I was nice enough to relay the message. VERONICA: You didn't ask who was calling? FERN: I didn't care. Fern sets off walking again. VERONICA: You know what's funny, and not like funny "ha ha," a driving force in getting the Greeks kicked off campus... Veronica points at Fern. VERONICA: That's you - is the last person seen speaking to the trustee with the swing vote. FERN: You know what else is kind of funny? The girl who saved the Pi Sigs is apparently leading the charge to track down that swing vote. VERONICA: I wasn't saving the Pi Sigs, I was getting to the truth. FERN: Well, the truth is that your Pi Sig friend just kicked off SexQuest '06. You know what that is, freshman? VERONICA: Yeah, they award themselves points for getting laid. Fern pats Veronica on the arm before walking away. FERN: Just watch what you drink. Veronica stares after her. EXT - ROSE RESIDENCE - DAY. Keith walks up to the front door of what appears to be a palatial house, with marble on the porch and ornate arched double door with fancy wooden fretwork on glass. He rings the bell and is let into the house by a maid. INT - ROSE RESIDENCE - DAY. Inside, Keith steps closer to a wall of pictures and citations, one of which is from Hearst College. It is a certificate of recognition for outstanding mentorship awarded to Budd and Selma Rose. There are a number of pictures, including one of Budd with Jimmy Carter, and, set in wood, is a brass plaque next a brass carp. This particularly attracts Keith's attention as he is greeted by a voice. BRANT: Mr. Mars. Sorry to keep you waiting. Keith points to the carp. KEITH: What is that? Is that a goldfish? Keith fingers the sculture. BRANT: It's a carp, a golden carp awarded- Brant notices what Keith is doing and clears his throat. BRANT: Please don't touch it. Brant takes a cloth from his jacket and prissily wipes the carp of fingerprints. BRANT: My name is Brant. I am Mr. Rose's personal assistant. Unfortunately, Mr. Mars, my employer won't be able to see you at the moment. He's resting. KEITH: I believe he's expecting me. Keith points towards the interior of the house as Brant returns the cloth to his inner jacket pocket. BRANT: Mr. Rose is understandably distraught, as I'm sure you can...understand. KEITH: I've been hired to find Mrs. Rose. I'm sure Mr. Rose will want to do everything possible to help. BRANT: Of course he does. But as I mentioned, he's not available at the moment. A voice rings out from further inside the house. BUDD: Brant, will you stop harassing our guest? Bring him in here. Brant, put out, sighs and waggles his finger indicating that Keith should follow him. Brant leads Keith into a large room. BRANT: Mr. Rose, this is- Budd is sitting at a large chess set, placed inside a bay window. He is in a wheelchair. BUDD: Yes, Brant, thank you, I know. BRANT: Can I get you- BUDD: No, just some privacy, please. Budd manoeuvres the electric wheelchair to face his visitors. Brant nods his head unctuously, turns, glares at Keith, and then leaves the room, playing the dignified martyr. Keith walks into the room, holding out his hand to Budd. BUDD: I'm sorry about Brant. They shake hands. BUDD: He, uh, he tries to protect me from, well, just about everything, actually. Do you have any news about my wife yet? KEITH: I'm sorry. Not yet. BUDD: Cyrus fears she's been...kidnapped. Is that what you think? KEITH: Right now, it's a missing-person case. There's no ransom note. No reason to jump to that conclusion. BUDD: No, no, right. I know. I know. I should be stronger about all this. KEITH: Has your wife had any business problems that, uh, you might be aware of? BUDD: Selma's always having business problems. She's had to fight the board tooth and nail for every bit of reform she's brought about. Keith nods. BUDD: I'm afraid I-I don't know much about the business anymore. Her brother Roger's flying in later today. Um, he was coming in for a meeting anyway. He'll be taking care of their company in her absence. KEITH: It would be helpful to speak to him. BUDD: Oh, yes, of course. I'll have Brant give you the number to his assistant. She flew in yesterday. He likes to call her his "advance team." Budd chuckles. BUDD: Well, she's worse than Brant, actually. Keith raises his eyebrows, as if such a thing couldn't be possible. EXT - ROSE RESIDENCE - DAY. Brant escorts Keith back to his car through the well-tended grounds. BRANT: Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance, Mr. Mars. Keith turns at the sound of yapping dogs. Though the doors of a guest house can be seen two small white Pomeranians. BRANT: Terrifying, aren't they? Keith smiles and they walk on, coming across a silver BMW. KEITH: Nice car. Yours? BRANT: No. That belongs to the grossly overpaid dog walker. KEITH: I should get his name. Keith gets out his pad. BRANT: It's a she. In the back window of the car, there's a Hearst College sticker. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Lamb is at his desk, writing on a pad. Sacks knocks and enters, grinning. SACKS: Guess who's on the phone for you. LAMB: Someone who wants to sit on hold while you play stupid games. Sacks shakes his head, still smiling. SACKS: Martina Vasquez. Sacks waggles his eyebrows suggestively. LAMB: Martina Vasquez? The h-hottie from Channel 9? SACKS: Said she had a few questions about Selma Rose's disappearance. Lamb hurriedly puts his pad down and leans to the phone. LAMB: Put her through for me? Sacks snaps his fingers and points at the phone. Lamb places the phone in front of himself, then taps on his keyboard. He's on Planet Zowie and types in the name. LAMB: Martina Vasquez. He brings up a Channel 9 KTML page under the sub-heading "Meet the Channel 9 News Team". Martina is described as an Anchor. The end part of her bio can be read: "...numerous accolades for her honest, thorough reporting. Originally from Tucson, Arizona, Martina quickly rose through the news ranks KRAC, staring with copy editor assistant and rising to daily local news coverage. For years, Martina Vasquez charmed Arizona viewers on KRAC, but in her heart, she always wanted to live and work in Southern California. So when Channel 9 came calling, she packed her bags and headed straight to San Diego. You can find her as co-anchor for Channel at 8am and 12pm every weekday. Martina also tackles the latest social issues, exposes and revelations in her exclusive 'Society Revealed' reports every Tuesday and Thursday at 8am and Fridays at 12pm on Channel 9. Born and raised in Austin, Texas, Martina has an Associate of Arts in News Casting and a Bachelor's degree in Creative Writing. Be sure to tune in to Martina Vasquez every weekday morning at 8am and again at 12pm!" Down the right-hand side, Doug the weatherman gets up plug for his 24/7 Weather Updates. Lamb clicks on the link to "Martina's Latest Topics!" He picks up the phone. LAMB: Miss Vasquez, what can I do for you? He listens for a moment. LAMB: Well, I am here to help in absolutely any way that I can. By the way, I caught your most recent piece on, uh... Lamb leans into the screen to read the list of Martina's latest topics: "Morning After Pill Myths Debunked," "Megan's Law: A Look Back," "700 Miles of Protection?: The Fence," "Annual Fete Round Up," Animal Fights: The Dark Side of SD," "Missing From Work: Immigration News," and "The Good Fight: Morals Over Beliefs." LAMB: The morning-after pill. It was...informative. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. The other side of the conversation is revealed. It's Veronica, sitting on her bed with her laptop on her lap. She fakes a quasi-Mexican accent, twirling with her hair to get in a flirty mood. VERONICA: Well, thank you, Sheriff, I'm glad you enjoyed it. We've learned that Selma Rose received a phone call before she went missing. Have you learned who the call was from yet? The camera continues to cut between the two locations. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT/MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. LAMB: Actually, Martina, we checked that out, and it was false information. There was no record of an incoming call that night. VERONICA: You are sure? LAMB: Yeah, if you'd like, I can keep you in the loop with this sort of stuff. Lamb hears a click on the line and Keith's voice. KEITH: Hello? VERONICA: [whispering quickly] Dad, I'm on the phone. KEITH: [shouting] Oh, sorry, honey! Let me know when you're off. Lamb's face turns as black as thunder. VERONICA: Sheriff...you were saying you'd be able to keep me in the loop? Lamb slams the phone down and stares at it malevolently. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. Veronica switches off the phone and shouts out to Keith. VERONICA: I'm off! INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Dick has a hamburger and onion rings on his plate. He picks up his hamburger, ready to take another bite but senses a presence behind him. He glances back to see Veronica, hands on hips. He sighs, disgruntled. VERONICA: The Pi Sigs are doing their SexQuest again. Dick resumes interest in his hamburger, taking a bite. VERONICA: Collecting points for conquests? Think that's such a good idea at a university with a serial rapist on the loose? Dick continues to face forward, talking with his mouth full. DICK: You raise an uninteresting point. But, hey, don't worry your pretty head about your pal Dick. My points are in order, courtesy of Miss Bonnie Capistrano. Her curvature of the spine is hardly noticeable. Veronica, her arms now folded, gasps in distaste. DICK: But I still got the handicapped bonus. VERONICA: You're repugnant, Dick. DICK: Seriously, you'd hardly notice it. Dick takes another bite of his burger as Veronica finally moves to join him at the table. VERONICA: Ever stop to think that the Pi Sig's SexQuest might be connected to your Pi Sig president getting his head shaved, like it's a warning? Or retribution or something? DICK: Actually...that kind of makes sense. Okay, I'm so not supposed to be telling you this, but it's...way too good. So, not only did Chip get Kojaked, someone put a Roman numeral in one of those little plastic Easter eggs and stuck it in his where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is. Veronica stares at him open-mouthed for a second before the corners of her mouth turn up. VERONICA: Worst Easter egg hunt ever. DICK: Not a banner day for Chip Diller. He had to get one of the brothers to help unpack his suitcase. Dick crunches on one of his onion rings. VERONICA: What was the number? DICK: What? VERONICA: You said there was a Roman numeral in the Easter egg. DICK: You're missing the point. Dick attempts a Cockney accent for emphasis. DICK: They put it up his bleedin' bum. Dick laughs in appreciation of his own wit. VERONICA: Which speaks to the number being significant, don't you think? DICK: I guess. I don't know what the number is. It wasn't a baby shower. We didn't all sit around waiting for him to open the egg so we could see what he got. Dick accompanies this last comment with an impression of a kid at a birthday party. VERONICA: Do you know what he did with it? DICK: If it's not in his hope chest, I'm thinking he threw it out. VERONICA: When is your garbage collected? DICK: And you think I'm "repungent." VERONICA: Yes, Dick. Yes, I do. DICK: The garbage truck comes Friday morning. Morty the homeless dude comes Thursdays to pull out the bottles and the cans. I can't tell you if they recycle keister eggs. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - DAY. Fern comes out of another of her classes and sighs loudly. Veronica is waiting again. On the board behind her are a number of notices, including ones offering such diverse delights as the Existential Angst Café and Coffee House and a Mu Theta Pi pizza and music party starting at midnight. FERN: Why are you following me around? VERONICA: Fulfilling my gym requirement. Yoga had a written final. So, it turns out there was no record of an incoming call the night of Selma Hearst's reception. FERN: Well, maybe the call came from another extension in the building. You ever think of that? She hadn't and realises it is a good point. VERONICA: Oh. Fern moves to press past her but Veronica isn't finished and steps back in front of her. VERONICA: Hmm. Just one more thing. When you stick an Easter egg in a frat boy's "out" door, do you kiss him first? FERN: Is that a riddle? VERONICA: Poor Chip. You really wrecked him. Fern jerks her head back, but it's not clear if she got Veronica's pun on "rectum" or not. She could simply think Veronica is crazy. She walks away, leaving Veronica to celebrate her play on words alone. VERONICA: Ba-dum-bum. Veronica thinks for a moment before turning to watch Fern as she carries on up the hallway. EXT - PI SIGMA SIGMA FRATERNITY - DAY. A man, grubby and unshaven, is rooting around in a garbage skip. Dick knocks on the skip. DICK: Morty, my man! Morty looks out and is surprised to see Dick and Veronica. DICK: So, this is my friend Veronica. Veronica, Morty. Morty, Veronica. Morty holds out his hand to shake. Dick and Veronica both avoid doing so, Dick with a double thumbs up and Veronica with a salute. VERONICA: This might sound like a strange proposition but...while you're down there... Veronica holds out a $20 note. Cut to a few moments later as they wait for Morty to finish his investigations. The skip is at the back of the Pi Sigma Sigma house and a girl exits from the back gate. Dick throws up his arms. DICK: What the hell, Bonnie?! BONNIE: That's exactly what I was thinking. Another cute frat boy. What the hell? DICK: [crossly] You realize you're worth, like, half the points now. You went from top shelf to bargain basement in, like, three seconds! BONNIE: It was more like the third-floor bathroom to the pinball machine in, like, forty-seven minutes. Bonnie happily walks away, happy with herself. Veronica and Dick watch her go, Dick shaking his head in disappointment. Veronica turns back to him, reminded of "Pinball Wizard" by the Who. VERONICA: She always gets a replay. Never tilts at all. Veronica mimics a drum smash and holds up her fingers, doing a bizarre dance. She only stops on hearing Morty's voice from the skip. MORTY: Got it. Morty's head and rubber-gloved hand can be seen at the top of the skip. He brings up his other hand. A garishly pink-coloured egg rests between his thumb and forefinger. VERONICA: Aah. The incredible, inedible egg. Veronica unfurls and slaps out a plastic bag, holding it towards Morty. He drops it into the bag. Veronica seals the bag. ROGER: [offscreen] Selma's fine. INT - ROSE RESIDENCE - DAY. Roger Hearst leads a procession, comprising Keith and Roger's assistant Barb, down one of the marble-floored halls. ROGER: Trust me. I know my sister. This is her just flaking out. Roger is more intent on a call he is trying to make. ROGER: Again? Without a break in his stride, he holds up his cell phone to show Barb. ROGER: Why is it doing that blinking thing? Barb hurries to catch up and take the phone from him. She punches at the buttons. ROGER: She's probably wrapped in algae somewhere outside of Santa Fe with a couple of cucumber slices on her eyes. Roger clicks his fingers at Barb, who returns the phone to him. KEITH: If she decided to "flake," as you put it, don't you think the middle of her reception is an odd time? By now, they've arrived at a large reception room overlooking a fountain in the grounds through large, curved windows. There is a grand piano on one side, in front of a floor to ceiling tapestry on the wall. ROGER: Oh, it's the perfect time, right before she had to make a decision. KEITH: Doesn't sound like the behaviour of the top executive of a Fortune 500 company. ROGER: Oh, my sister's not a businesswoman. She's a humanitarian. Not a big profit margin there. He fiddles on the phone for a moment, then holds it out for Keith to see the screen. He chuckles. ROGER: Have you seen what Selma's disappearance has done to our stock? KEITH: I haven't. ROGER: [gleeful] It's skyrocketing every day that she's missing, just on the assumption that we'll continue to sell merchandise manufactured in Asia. Selma actually wanted Hearst-Mart to deal only American-made products, which - here's a hot tip - we won't. Roger looks down at his phone again. ROGER: I still don't have anything from Evan. BARB: I've left four messages for him. ROGER: [obnoxiously] And a fifth would kill you? Barb turns around to use her own cell to get hold of the elusive Evan. ROGER: My guess? She probably took off to get some time away from Budd. Word is she's already talked to a lawyer. KEITH: Your sister was considering getting a divorce? ROGER: Since the accident, Budd has become more and more clingy. He follows her around like a pull toy. At this point, she probably cares more about her dogs than she does her husband. In the background, Barb has managed to reach Evan and hands her phone to Roger. He takes it. ROGER: I wouldn't be surprised if she left everything to little Ernest and Julio in her will. Roger turns his back on Keith to take the call. ROGER: Evan! Keith's face remains passive, although his distaste for Roger is pretty obvious. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT. Wallace, who is now sporting a much shorter Afro, is getting his food from one of the counters. Veronica is with him, holding up her notebook. WALLACE: They glued "travel Scrabble" tiles? VERONICA: "CXI" and "CMIII." Veronica shows him the pad as they walk forward to a table. WALLACE: Inside a plastic Easter egg and stuck it... Wallace's thumb jerks upwards. VERONICA: Halfway to China. WALLACE: I'm never going on another Easter egg hunt again. VERONICA: And I'm never playing Scrabble again. They find a table and Veronica slaps her pad down as they sit. VERONICA: In Roman numerals...it's 111 and 903. And, for better or worse, you're my numbers guy, so...go. She holds up the pad to Wallace on which is written the two Roman numerals with 111 and 903 under them, each circled. Wallace is confused. WALLACE: What am I doing? VERONICA: Telling me what these numbers mean. WALLACE: They mean we got some twisted sickos here. Anything else I can help you with, that's free of charge. Veronica pulls back the pad and looks at the numbers again. VERONICA: Come on. It's one digit short of a phone number. It could be a locker number. WALLACE: Why would someone stick an egg... VERONICA: That's what I'm trying to find out. Ooh, driver's-license number. Check number? WALLACE: Just one egg, right? VERONICA: [warningly] Wallace. Wallace smiles at the hint to get his mind off the egg. WALLACE: Maybe it's a student ID number. VERONICA: Brilliant. Veronica slaps down her pen and gets her student ID out of her bag. She holds it against the pad to compare the numbers. Her ID number is U073456753. She shakes her head. VERONICA: No. One too many digits. Veronica can't count. Even without the U0, it's actually two to many digits. VERONICA: It's almost like you don't want to help. She sighs, giving him a sidelong look. Wallace looks back balefully. Something occurs to Veronica. VERONICA: Hold the phone. Something on the ID card has her try something. She writes on the pad: "11/19/03." VERONICA: Six. It's a date. WALLACE: It's almost exactly three years ago. Three years and two days. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - NIGHT. Veronica is scanning back copies of the Hearst Free Press, bound together in a large volume. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Closed library? Not to the help-desk girl. She opens to headlines that include "Using animals to entertain is disgusting and inhumane" and "Student Union renovations should wrap by Februrary [sic]." VERONICA VOICEOVER: To me it's wide-open with all its lovely back issues of the Hearst Free Press just waiting to tell me if something significant happened on campus on 11/19/03. Veronica reaches a page of interest. She ignores a couple of headlines: "Study Abroad Programs draw record number of students - Students flock to Europe and beyond" by Stepley Coleman and "Pell Grant freeze cools applications - Cuts force students to abandon dreams" by Seth Nibbler, going straight to one on the lower left of the page: "Theta Beta pledge falls off house roof - Pitrelli '07 falls off sorority house roof while girls were sunbathing" by Tammy Gittelson. There's a picture of the Greek letters on the wall of the sorority the caption to which reads: "Slippery Sunbathing. Zeta Theta Bets girls were sunbathing Tuesday when of their new pledges fell off the roof of their house." In the course of the article, (and skipping over the untimely mention of a "serial rapist") the Pi Sigma Sigma fraternity is mentioned as being known on campus as "Animal House." Veronica hears something that makes her lift her head and look around. Seeing nothing, she returns to her reading. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Patrice Pitrelli falls off sorority house roof? Veronica hears a noise again, a squeaking noise. She pushes back her chair to look behind her. This time the library itself seems threatening, and Veronica gets up, her bag already on her shoulder, and runs. She races down the stairs last seen in 303 "Wichita Linebacker" and heads for the counter where she crouches down and hides. The squeaking noise is steady, rhythmic and getting closer and Veronica's terror is plain to see. A man's legs come into view and stand near her. Veronica breathes jerkily. Finally a bucket on wheels and a mop appear. It's a janitor cleaning the floors. He's wearing an iPod through which something raucous is pouring into his ears. Veronica lets out a huge sigh of relief. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. As Keith sits at the kitchen counter, Veronica emerges from her room. She's a little fragile. KEITH: Morning. VERONICA: Yes, it is. She reaches for the coffee pot. VERONICA: It came a little bit earlier than I would have liked. She pours herself a cup of coffee. Keith holds up a sheet torn from his notebook. KEITH: So, I ran the plates for the Roses' dog walker. VERONICA: You want me to go check her out? Size her up? Shake her down? KEITH: If you wouldn't mind. Veronica takes a gulp of her coffee before walking forward to take the sheet of paper. VERONICA: Lucky for you...I can do that in my sleep. She checks out the name and address: Hallie Piatt, 8684 Elm St., Neptune, CA 90909. VERONICA: Huh. Veronica smiles and Keith chuckles. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, SOUTH QUAD - DAY. Hallie is lying on her back sunbathing in a leopard-print bikini. A shadow falls over her. She opens her eyes to look up at the obstruction. HALLIE: You're blocking my sun. VERONICA: Oh, is that yours? I'm so sorry. Veronica giggles and drops to the ground, lying on her stomach. VERONICA: Oh, my God, Hallie. Bemused, Hallie rises up on her elbows. VERONICA: Are you, like, so totally worried about your missing boss? I know she had the power to kick you and your sisters off campus, but you must be, like, a basket case and a half. Your face is getting a little pinkish. You should flip. Cut to a commercial break later. Hallie and Veronica are now in sitting positions, facing each other. HALLIE: I'm Selma Rose's dog walker. So? VERONICA: You having a job? Shock right there. It requiring that you wear a plastic bag on your hand while waiting for Fido to kick out a lodger? That makes me dizzy. HALLIE: You don't know the first thing about me, Veronica. VERONICA: I know like eight, possibly nine things. But you're right. I have no idea which one is first. Is it that you're a Theta Beta that'd do anything for her sorority? Hallie scoffs. HALLIE: You think I had something to do with Mrs. Rose's disappearance? VERONICA: Perhaps. HALLIE: If there's anyone you should be concerned about, it's that guy Brant. Mr. Rose's assistant? He's, like, in love with Mr. Rose, like Swimfan love. He won't let anyone talk to him. He follows him everywhere. At one time, Mr. Rose was taking a nap, and I saw Brant stroking his hair...so completely creepy. Ugh. Oh! And just a couple weeks ago, Mr. Rose asked him to help him with an anniversary party for Mrs. Rose, and Brant threw a teacup at the wall. She laughs derisively. HALLIE: I mean, the guy's been married for ten years, and Brant thinks he's going to switch teams for a sorry, teacup-throwing ass? I don't think so. Hallie reaches for her pink shirt and puts it on. VERONICA: That's very helpful, Hallie. HALLIE: Uh, yeah. 'Cause it's the truth. VERONICA: And sharing the truth is good. I say we ride that honesty wave all the way home. Side question: what do you know about Patrice Pitrelli? She scoffs again. HALLIE: God! What's with all the questions? What's next? Do you want to know where I buried Jimmy Hoffman? VERONICA: Dustin's brother? Hallie doesn't understand that Jimmy Hoffman isn't Jimmy Hoffa and gives Veronica a quizzical look before dismissing it. HALLIE: I don't know who you've been talking to, but nothing happened with Patrice. I mean, I didn't go here yet, but my sisters told me everything. She had one too many hard lemonades and she fell off the roof. That's it. No one did anything to her. VERONICA: I didn't suggest anyone did. Did Patrice claim someone did something to her? HALLIE: No, it's all lies. Ask anyone in her pledge class. VERONICA: That's an excellent idea, Hallie. Thank you. So what happened after she fell? HALLIE: Nothing! It's not like she died or anything. Oh, and speaking of, you'll be happy to know. Karen? Our den mother? We had a car wash and raised enough money for another round of chemo. Veronica sighs. HALLIE: Stay sweet, Veronica. Bye. Hallie picks up her towel and bag, and strides off. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Veronica enters Keith's office from the hall outside the front door of Mars Investigations. VERONICA: I don't know about you, but I am dripping with information. KEITH: And I have so much information, I have no place left inside for food. VERONICA: Spill. Keith goes into an over-the-top Jimmy Cagney impression. KEITH: Hmm. Roger Hearst is halting Selma's "Buy American" plan, hmm? It'll save the company hundreds of millions, but it is exactly the kind of business practice Selma is fighting against. Hmm, suspicious? Hmm, I think so. Hmm. Veronica plays along. VERONICA: Hmm. Well, I rattled that sorority girl's cage, and she sang like a canary. She thinks that guy Brant is a wack job. KEITH: Well, he's not a big fan of hers either. Veronica heads for her own desk, talking as she goes. VERONICA: Apparently, Brant is the Smithers to Mr. Rose's Monty Burns. There are tales of hair-stroking, Swimfan-ian-like love. Mr. Rose asked for help with his ten-year anniversary party. Brant's response? Throwing a teacup. KEITH: A ten-year wedding anniversary? Keith bangs on his desk in a moment of revelation. KEITH: Have I taught you nothing?! Veronica gets it immediately. KEITH: What do we call a tenth anniversary in the P.I. biz? VERONICA: Dine 'n' ditch. KEITH: After ten years of marriage, a spouse is entitled to half of his partner's assets, so you cut the cord before ten years, you don't have to pay. VERONICA: But she's the one with the loot. KEITH: That's my point exactly. The brother says the marriage is in trouble. VERONICA: You think the husband had her...you know... Veronica gestures the breaking of a neck. VERONICA: Crrk! KEITH: That's one extreme possibility. VERONICA: Yeah, what's the other? KEITH: Play a hunch? Brant said Selma's dogs are the children she never had. If Budd's trying to, say, keep her hidden, I bet she'll be a lot quieter with her kids around. Veronica smiles. EXT - ROSE RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Keith gives Veronica a hand up as she climbs over the wall by the gates to the property. She pauses at the top to whisper back at Keith. VERONICA: This is just like that time we went to Disneyland! If I have another altercation with Snow White and her disapproving dwarfs, you're taking Sneezy this time. Keith nods indulgently. KEITH: Okay. Veronica jumps down the other side, impersonating Jaime Sommers in The Bionic Woman. VERONICA: Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na! She grins and walks back to the gates, holding the bars as if peeking out of a cell. VERONICA: The park is closed. The walrus out front should have told you. Keith isn't in the same light mood and grimaces. Veronica dances back from the gates to find the point where the remote picks her up and opens them. She makes an "Open Sesame" sweep with her arms as they do. Keith walks in to join her. KEITH: Honey, stealthy, remember? Veronica hops. VERONICA: Right! She takes her place at his side with a skip. VERONICA: Sorry. At the door of the guest house, Ernest and Julio, the Poms, bark excitedly and scratch at the glass. Keith places a skeleton key in the door and opens it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - ROSE RESIDENCE, GUEST HOUSE - CONTINUING. The lights are on inside and someone is watching television. The dogs bark and wag their tails. TV FEMALE: You are not going to find this anywhere else. TV MALE: This is one of the top-rated bagless vacuum cleaners on the market- TV FEMALE: On the market today, and if you call right now, you're not only going to get the upholstery attachment, but we are going to give you the... Keith and Veronica venture in slowly. Keith does a double take. Selma is in her dressing gown, sitting on a large, comfy couch, watching television. KEITH: Mrs. Rose? Selma is mildly startled to see them. She points the remote at the TV to switch it off. KEITH: Are you all right? SELMA: I'd be better if you'd close the door and didn't try to rescue me. Veronica and Keith glance at each other, confused. Keith walks forward towards her and Veronica follows. KEITH: Mrs. Rose, my name is Keith Mars. I'm a private investigator. Cyrus O'Dell hired me to find you. Keith and Veronica stop and stand in front of Selma. Selma pats the settee to invite the dogs up. SELMA: Poor Cyrus. He can't get anything right, can he? Selma notices Veronica. SELMA: You were at the reception. KEITH: This is my daughter, Veronica. She works with me...occasionally. VERONICA: Ryan. Tatum. Keith grins. VERONICA: When he gets in a jam, I make with the cute. SELMA: Well, you can tell Cyrus I'm safe. KEITH: Well, can I tell him how you wound up missing in your own guesthouse? Selma sighs and stokes one of the dogs which is on her lap. KEITH: Are you in some sort of trouble? SELMA: I will be if you tell anyone you saw me, so I would appreciate it if you didn't. I can appreciate it monetarily if that's necessary. KEITH: It isn't. I'm already being paid by someone who's extremely concerned about you. Selma gets up from the couch, heading for the kitchen area behind the couch. SELMA: Well, how about I tell you my story and you find a way to let Cyrus know I'm okay without giving me up? KEITH: No promises. He's afraid you've been kidnapped. SELMA: Nope. No kidnapping here. Selma opens a cupboard and gets out a glass to pour herself a drink. SELMA: Just good old-fashioned blackmail. My husband knows about my lover, and he's demanded I "disappear" until after our tenth anniversary. Veronica gives Keith a proud look. She pats him on the chest. VERONICA: The dine 'n' ditch. What? He'd only wind up with ten million instead of a hundred? SELMA: Something like that. Look, I've just got two days to go. You could stall Cyrus that long. VERONICA: But why make you disappear? Why not just wait to make you sign the divorce papers until after the ten-year anniversary? SELMA: I wish I knew. KEITH: I know! Your brother is killing your "Buy American" plan. He's negotiating with southeast Asian companies. In a few days, your company will be locked in the contracts. Your stock's going through the roof. Budd stands to make millions more in a 50-50 split. Veronica shakes her head. VERONICA: What a b*st*rd. Keith admonishes her. KEITH: Hey. Veronica. SELMA: She's right. Our marriage was great until after his accident. Suddenly, he had something to prove, and having s*x with as many women as possible was, apparently, the way to do it. KEITH: You know, I'm sorry if this is out of line, but plenty of couples have split over infidelity. I'm sure you can find a lawyer who could get you out of this less expensively. SELMA: Have you ever been a walking punch line, Mr. Mars? I mean, on a national scale? KEITH: Actually... SELMA: Because I've been, and I've spent the rest of my life trying to earn back a certain measure of respect. Selma has walked back to one of the kitchen drawers and pulled out a couple of large sheets. SELMA: This would put me back at square one. She hands them to Keith. They are photographs of Selma in the arms of Hallie Piatt. Veronica is stunned. VERONICA: Hallie?! SELMA: So you've met. She called me out of the reception and broke the news. She didn't love me. She seduced me for Budd. They're going to run away together and live off my money. KEITH: Maybe we can fix this another way. Were you wearing those earrings the night you went missing? SELMA: I was. KEITH: And do you have access to Budd's e-mail accounts? Selma looks at Keith quizzically. WALLACE: [offscreen] So the plan's in motion? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT. Veronica and Wallace are eating at one of the tables. VERONICA: As we speak. We found the perfect eyewitness to the "kidnapping." Veronica uses air quotes. WALLACE: That's not me, is it? Wallace grins. Veronica checks her phone as she quotes Carole King's "You've Got a Friend." VERONICA: Whatever happened to "winter, spring, summer, or fall; all I got to do is call, and you'll be there"? Wallace smiles and cocks his head at her but is then distracted by something he sees over her shoulder. WALLACE: Man, all my orifices just went on lockdown. Veronica turns to see Chip Diller, a baseball cap on his head. He is, standing uncertainly with his tray. He walks forward towards the tables. Three guys are sitting at the table between Chip and Veronica and Wallace's table. They spot him and grin. One of them leads the others in a sing-song. CONDUCTOR FRAT GUY/CONDUCTOR'S BUDDY/RIVAL FRAT GUY: [singing] Here comes Peter Cottontail Hoppin' down the bunny trail Hippity-hoppity Easter's on its way Passing the table, Chip initially ignores the taunt, but once past he stops and decides to respond. He spins around and throws his tray at Conductor Frat Guy, followed by himself, leaping over the table to get to him. A girl passing behind Conductor Frat Guy is caught in the momentum as Chip, Conductor Frat Guy and Conductor Frat Guy's chair all crash into her and send her flying. She can't get up as the chair pins her to the next table and the fight pins the chair against her. Her similarity to Jane Kuhne or his natural tendencies lead Wallace to leap up and pull her out of the fray. Chip and Conductor Frat Guy are locked in a fight as Conductor's Buddy and Rival Frat Guy look on. Having got the girl clear, Wallace tries to break up the fight. WALLACE: Hey! Hey! Stop! Wallace gets as far as starting to pull Conductor Frat Guy off of Chip, which gives Chip the opportunity to punch Conductor Frat Guy. Rival Frat Guy pulls Wallace off and punches him. This galvanised Veronica who grabs the taser and races in, using it on Rival Frat Guy as he pulls Wallace up for another punch. Conductor's Buddy is behind her and behind him, coming up fast is Mountain Man. Conductor's Buddy grabs Veronica, holding her arms to her body. CONDUCTOR'S BUDDY:Who needs a spanking? Veronica starts to struggle but Mountain Man is there before her, grabbing Conductor's Buddy by the head and then the arms, bodily flinging him across another table. Mountain Man then grabs Veronica, who starts to scream. VERONICA: Aah! Mountain Man puts his hand over her mouth and lifts her from the floor. He takes her out of the Food Court. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE FOOD COURT. Veronica is still struggling as Mountain Man sets her down. MOUNTAIN MAN: It's okay, Veronica. It's okay. I'm here to help. Veronica wrests herself out of his arms and turns on him angrily. VERONICA: What the hell is going on?! MOUNTAIN MAN: Just calm down, all right? Mr. Echolls has been concerned about your safety. I've been hired to keep an eye on you. Veronica is furious. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. Lamb walks into the department, checking his cell. He looks up on hearing Deputy Sacks. SACKS: Sheriff, hey. This man came in, wanted to file a report and- Lamb snaps his fingers at Sacks to speed him to the point. SACKS: He claims to have seen Selma Rose the night she went missing. Lamb looks over Sacks shoulder. LAMB: That guy? Sacks looks back. SACKS: Yeah. Said he saw her having a fight with a girl from the college. I got him looking at a Hearst yearbook right now. MORTY: Found her! Both law-keepers look back at Morty, who is pointing to a picture in the yearbook. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - NIGHT. Lamb gets out of his vehicle. He has pulled over the silver BMW. Hallie checks her lipstick, gearing up to charm her way out of a traffic offence. Lamb reaches her and leans against the car. HALLIE: Oh, my God. Was I, like, speeding? 'Cause I so didn't know. LAMB: No, no, no. You were fine. HALLIE: Oh, okay. I didn't think I was. Hallie grins at him. Lamb brings up a document to show her. LAMB: I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle. Hallie's smile fades when she realises that things are not as she thought. The document is a Search Warrant and Affidavit (For the Seizure of a Person for whom a Warrant of Arrest Has Been Issued) sworn out by Lamb. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Logan, watching TV, looks up as the door to the suite slams shut. Veronica, in high dudgeon, marches in to confront him. Logan readies himself but does not rise from the couch. VERONICA: [angry] I have spent the last few days being terrified that I had some whacked-out rapist following me! LOGAN: [softly] Look, I had the same fear. VERONICA: So you pay someone to tail me? LOGAN: No, so I asked you to stop putting yourself in danger, and you told me to piss off. Then I hired someone to protect you. VERONICA: You had no right to do that. LOGAN: Look, that's probably true...okay? It's just I don't care. VERONICA: [disbelieving] You don't care? LOGAN: Look, I don't give a rat's ass if it's right or fair. I don't care if you're angry. I care that you're safe. VERONICA: That's all sweet and great, but it doesn't really work that way. It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am! You know what I do. LOGAN: And? VERONICA: And...it isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work. Logan stands. LOGAN: You know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. And even right now, as you're thinking, "crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. Veronica frowns, her eyes filling as she stares into space. LOGAN: I love you, Veronica. This brings her stare back to Logan. LOGAN: I love you. Veronica looks away again. LOGAN: But, do you love me? Veronica takes a moment before staring at him again, the tears threatening to fall. She responds without conviction. VERONICA: Yeah. Logan nods and drops his voice. LOGAN: Well then, can we try to go a little easier on each other? He finally approaches her, stopping in front of her. Veronica's response is strangely casual. VERONICA: Yeah, I think that's a good idea. She doesn't look at him. He puts his arms around her. LOGAN: So, are we okay? She holds him back. VERONICA: Yeah...we're okay. INT - ROSE RESIDENCE - NIGHT. The doorbell rings and Brant struts to the door. BRANT: Can I help you? LAMB: Yes. Lamb holds up the warrant. LAMB: You can move out of my way. Brant backs away from the door quickly. Budd calls out from inside the house. BUDD: Brant, who is it? He rolls into view. BUDD: Oh, is this about Selma? H-have you found her? LAMB: No, sir, we didn't find your wife. We did find one of her earrings, though. It was in your girlfriend's car. Budd is stunned. LAMB: We also found love letters from you on Hallie's laptop. I can see why you like her so much. She's a very sweet girl. Not very tough, though. She said we should take a look in your guesthouse. Budd swallows hard. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT. Budd is in one of the interrogation rooms. Lamb paces. LAMB: Cute, young girlfriend, rich, older wife. I'm kind of shocked I'm not investigating a murder. Lamb settles down on the table between them. BUDD: Look...you can keep on talking all you want. But, I'm not saying one more word until my lawyer gets here. There's a knock on the door and Sacks enters. SACKS: Uh, Mrs. Rose is hoping for a moment alone with her husband. Lamb glances back at Budd, then gestures for Sacks to bring her in. Sacks opens the door further and Selma walks in. Lamb and Sacks leave them alone, shutting the door behind them. SELMA: Was Roger in on it, or were you just counting on him to do the wrong thing? Budd snorts. BUDD: He is reliable that way. Selma drops a divorce settlement agreement onto the table. SELMA: An early anniversary present, unless you had your heart set on prison. Budd looks at it and then away. He sighs. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RECEPTION ROOM - DAY. The room is now furnished with a comfortable suite. Keith is sitting in an armchair as the dean pours himself a glass of water. DEAN O'DELL: I'm grateful for your help but a little surprised I didn't get a discount - repeat customer and all. The dean sits on the couch as Keith takes out an envelope and lays it on the coffee table. KEITH: I didn't charge you for the photocopies or the stamps. DEAN O'DELL: Oh, that was nice. Both men look up at a knock at the door and rise to their feet. SELMA: Who knew the cavalry would be so handsome? DEAN O'DELL: Don't be nice to me, Selma. It'll ruin everything. SELMA: I'm on my way to vote. Fate of the Greeks in my hands, and all. DEAN O'DELL: How are they faring? I know it's a difficult decision. SELMA: My official vote is "screw 'em." They're out of here. Selma walks away. Keith grins but the dean is shocked and disappointed. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica pushes a button for a lift. She sees Hallie walking along the corridor. Hallie initially ignores her but has second thoughts. She returns to face Veronica. HALLIE: I know you think I'm some kind of gold digger, but I love Budd. VERONICA: And all of his beautiful money? Or is true love so blind you didn't notice he's an adulterer older than your father and confined to a wheelchair? HALLIE: Budd Rose is more of a man than you could ever begin to handle. VERONICA: Slow down, Anna Nicole. You're skeeving me out. And the fact is I don't care if he's Ron Jeremy on wheels. Hallie's eyes narrow. VERONICA: You want to impress me? Tell me the truth about Patrice Pitrelli. Hallie backs away from Veronica. HALLIE: I told you. I didn't go here then. Besides, Patrice's best friend in the whole world just faked a rape. Why aren't you picking on her? VERONICA: Patrice was friends with Claire? HALLIE: Yeah, they were in the same pledge class. INT - NORDHOUSE RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica knocks on the door. It cracks open and Claire appears. VERONICA: What did Chip Diller have to do with Patrice Pitrelli falling off the roof of the Theta Beta house? CLAIRE: Come in. We'll enlighten you. VERONICA: Who's "we"? Claire opens the door wide, revealing Fern, sitting on a small couch, and Nish, sitting on a tall backed-stool at the kitchen counter. CLAIRE: Look who just showed up asking about Patrice. NISH: Veronica Mars. Veronica steps inside with some trepidation. NISH: Well, I'm impressed with your tenacity, if not your politics. Claire shuts the door. Veronica smiles and snarks back. VERONICA: I can die happy. Claire passes Veronica and goes behind the kitchen counter. FERN: What did you hear about Patrice? VERONICA: She fell off the roof of the Theta Beta house. CLAIRE: She didn't fall. She walked right off. VERONICA: Why? Claire stirs the cup of tea she is making. NISH: Finally, a smart question. CLAIRE: The Theta Betas used to take some pledges to a secret room where they'd have them undress. VERONICA: Are you still trying to sell that? Nish glares at Veronica. VERONICA: I've been there. There is no two-way mirror. NISH: Then they panelled over it. CLAIRE: No, I saw it. The rush officer would have the girls strip in front of the mirror. Then they'd point out the parts that they thought needed work, like they were being helpful. They'd circle them with a magic marker like a plastic surgeon does during a consultation. VERONICA: They did that to you? CLAIRE: No. They only did it to the girls who they thought needed...help. VERONICA: And Patrice needed help. CLAIRE: They practically covered her in circles. I mean, she was pale and pudgy, but a legacy. She was already crying when someone turned on the light in the secret room. And there they were. A crowd of Pi Sigs laughing their asses off. Chip Diller started calling her "marshmallow," and the name stuck. NISH: They used permanent marker. So not only does she have to deal with being called "marshmallow," she had those marks all over her for weeks. Claire takes her tea and moves to sit next to Fern on the couch. CLAIRE: The sorority sisters kept telling her a tan would fix everything. They kept insisting she lay on the roof with the rest of us. But she was still all marked up. She surprised us one day by walking out on the roof. But instead of plopping down on a towel, she just strolled right off the edge. VERONICA: What happened to her? FERN: She was in the hospital for a couple of months. Now she's in a mental-health facility. Veronica looks away and shakes her head. FERN: You don't believe it? VERONICA: Oh, I believe you. And I think it's horrible. I also think it's powerful motivation for someone to take desperate action. Fake a rape, right? Possibly a series of rapes. Claire looks guilty. VERONICA: How many of them were real? Nish scoffs. VERONICA: I mean, other than Chip Diller's. Both Claire and Fern are uncomfortable. VERONICA: There hasn't been any forensic evidence; no semen, no hair found on any of the victims. Nish slides off the stool to walk towards the other two. NISH: The Greeks would be gone if you hadn't gotten them off. Are you proud of that fact? VERONICA: The moral superiority would fit better if there wasn't already one fake rape on your résumé. Nish glances over at the other two. VERONICA: Nothing hurts the cause more than that. Both Claire and Fern looks as if they might, in retrospect, agree. VERONICA: You know I'm right. Nish on the other hand remains defiant. Fern looks up at her questioningly. VERONICA: I'll show myself out. Veronica turns and exits the room. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT. Music: "Poison Cup" by M. Ward. LYRICS: Wine, wine, wine One or two won't do 'Cause I want it all And I hope I hope Hope you know what I'm thinking of I want all of your love Veronica is at one of the food counters, having just paid for her food. Her cell phone starts to ring and she digs it out of her bag. She checks the caller ID. It's Logan calling from 1-858-555-01087. Veronica stands with her tray, staring at the phone. She punches "Ignore" or another button that stops the phone ringing and puts it back in her bag. She doesn't see Logan standing at the door to the Food Court, his cell phone at his ear, watching her. Veronica walks to a table and sits down. She starts to eat. Logan, devastated, lets the phone slip from his ear. He continues to watch her. With the phone still in his hand, he brings his hand to his mouth, his face one of despair. End. End music: "Poison Cup" by M. Ward.
Plan: A: Hearst College; Q: What college is the granddaughter of the founder of? A: the granddaughter's swing vote; Q: What could spell the end of fraternities and sororities at Hearst? A: Veronica's safety; Q: What does Logan fear for? A: Claire's rape; Q: What did the girls at Lilith House fake to shut down the Greek houses on campus? A: the real rapes; Q: What did the girls at Lilith House believe the Greek houses were responsible for? A: Patty Hearst; Q: Who guest stars as a Hearst College trustee? A: "Selma Hearst Rose; Q: What is the name of the character that Patty Hearst plays on American Idol? Summary: Keith and Veronica are hired to find the missing granddaughter of the founder of Hearst College. They learn that the granddaughter's swing vote could spell the end of fraternities and sororities at Hearst. Logan fears for Veronica's safety as she continues to investigate the campus rapes. The girls at Lilith House explain that they faked Claire's rape to help shut down the Greek houses on campus, which they believed were responsible for the real rapes. Patty Hearst guest stars as a Hearst College trustee called "Selma Hearst Rose".
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School. Cordelia: I just love springtime. Cut to the halls. Cordelia has her arms around her current boyfriend Mitch, and they and Harmony are walking down the hall. Cordelia: Me and bright spring fashions! Mitch: Spring training. Cordelia: Me at the end of school dance. Harmony: The end of school. Cordelia: Definitely. My favorite time of year. (giggles) I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off the rack gives me hives. Mitch: Lemme guess: blue, like your eyes! (laughs) Cordelia: (laughs) My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller. Harmony: You two will look so fine together in the May Queen photo. Cordelia: Well, I haven't been elected May Queen yet. They've reached the library doors, and Buffy comes barging out. She bumps into Mitch and drops her bag, spilling out its contents: a couple of stakes, a couple of crosses, a mace and other stuff. Cordelia: Uhhh! Behold, the weirdness! Buffy: (looks up) You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this stuff, huh? Cordelia: Wow, I'm not! Buffy: Uh, for history class. Mr. Giles has this, like, hobby of collecting stuff... which he lent me... for show and tell. D-did I mention it's for history class? Harmony: She is always hanging with that creepy librarian in that creepy library. Cordelia and company continue down the hall. Cordelia: (to Mitch) Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that she attacked me? At the Bronze? I don't know why this school admits mentals like her. They laugh. Buffy watches them go with a depressed look on her face. Cut to English class. They are discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'. Ms. Miller: 'If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?' (looks at the class) Okay. So talk to me, people. How does what Shylock says here about being a Jew relate to our discussion about the anger of the outcast in society? Cordelia: Well, how about color me totally self-involved? Ms. Miller: Care to elaborate? Cordelia: Yeah. With Shylock it's whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like it's justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice, it's yicky. Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society? Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him. Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of *my* life, and she's trying to make it about *her* leg! Like *my* pain meant nothing. Ms. Miller: Well, Cordelia's raised an interesting point here. (the bell rings) Which we'll pursue at a later time. The students get up to leave. Cordelia comes up to Ms. Miller's desk. Cordelia: Ms. Miller? Ms. Miller: Good observations today, Cordelia. It's always exciting to know someone's actually done the reading. Willow rolls her eyes behind Cordelia and leaves. Cordelia: Thanks. Um, I wanna talk to you about my final paper. I'm real unfocused. I have all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other. Ms. Miller: Well, I have your outline here, but why don't you stop by tomorrow after school? We'll go over it then. Cordelia: That'd be great! Thanks a lot. (starts to leave) Ms. Miller: You're welcome. I'll see you then. Cordelia: Okay! Bye! (goes into the hall) Harmony! Harmony: Hi! Cordelia: They called and said the dress is ready. It's so great! Mitch is gonna die! Cut to the boys' locker room. Mitch comes out of the showers, drying himself off. He wraps his towel around his waist and goes over to his locker. He dries his hair a bit with another towel, and then reaches into his locker for his clothes. Another boy closes his locker and comes over to him as he pulls on his pants. Bud: Hey, Mitch! You goin' to the Bronze? Mitch: Later. I'm pickin' up my tux first. Bud: Uh huh. Mitch: Gotta look sharp for the big dig. Another boy comes over and joins them. Bud: Oh, that's right! You gotta look good to be on Cordelia's arm! Mitch: Oh, it's not her arm I'm lookin' to be on. (laughs) The boys laugh and then go. Cut to a shot of Mitch approaching from the other side. Footsteps can be heard, and then a girl's giggling. Mitch hears it and looks around. Mitch: Who's there? He doesn't see anyone, so he continues getting dressed. He hears the giggling again, and looks behind him where he thinks it's coming from. Mitch: Okay, fun time's over, come out. He reaches for a bat on top of the lockers, but it floats up by itself. The bat swings and hits him, and he falls down. The bat swings again but misses and hits the locker doors. It hits him on his upper left arm twice. Another swing of the bat hits him in the face, and he's knocked unconscious. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the halls at school. Cordelia hands out chocolates while campaigning for May Queen. Cordelia: Now, remember who to vote for for May Queen! As in me! Boy: Thanks. She sees Harmony and walks over to her. Cordelia: Hi! Isn't this the bomb? I'm such the campaign strategist. Harmony takes one and sees the 'C' on the wrapper. Harmony: 'C'. For Cordelia? Cordelia: No, 'C' for Wilma, little brain! Of course, 'C' for Cordelia! This way people will associate me with something sweet! She absently continues to the next student. Cordelia: Here's a chocolate... (sees it's Buffy and pulls her hand back) Oh. I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote. (leaves) Buffy: Well, I-I don't even *like* chocolates. (to herself) Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times. Xander and Willow arrive. Xander: So, what's Cordelia up to? Buffy: Bribery. She's desperate to be May Queen. Xander: Cordelia, man, she does love titles! Willow: (reminded by that, laughing hysterically) Oh, God! Remember in sixth grade with the field trip? Xander: Right! Right! The guy with the antlers on his belt! Willow: Be my Deputy! Xander: And remember the, the hat? Willow: Oh God! The hat! Buffy: Gee, it's fun that we're speaking in tongues. Willow: I'm sorry. (calms down) Xander: It's just that we had this, uh... You had to be there. Willow: It's not even funny. Xander: Really. Willow: Uh, Cordelia just has a history of trying too hard. Xander: Yeah, what kind of moron would wanna be May Queen anyway? Buffy: (turns to her locker) I was. Xander: You what? Buffy: At my old school. Xander: Oh! So the, uh, *good* kind of moron would do that. The, uh, non-moron, I mean. Buffy: (closes her locker and turns back) Well, we didn't call it 'May Queen', but we had the coronation, and the dance, and all that stuff. It was nice. Xander: Well, you know, you don't need that anymore. You got us! Willow: (cracks up again) Be my Deputy! Oh, God... Buffy feels very left out. Suddenly Bud comes running down the hall with news about Mitch. Bud: Guys! C'mon! (Buffy looks up) Mitch got whaled on! I think he's... Cut to the door to the gym. Principal Snyder is talking to the students. Snyder: Dead? Of course not. What are you, ghouls? They all turn to look when the paramedics open the doors to the gym and wheel Mitch out. Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week. Clear back, make room, all of you. Buffy grabs the gurney and stops it. Buffy: Mitch, what happened? Mitch: I don't know. I, I heard something. I tried to grab a, a bat... (guffaws, unable to believe what he's saying) that hit me. Buffy: What hit you? Mitch: The bat! By itself, the thing was floating, it knocked me out. The paramedics wheel him away. Buffy: (to Xander) I'd better check out the scene. (starts toward the locker room) Snyder: Where do you think you're going? Buffy: (stops and faces him) Um, Mitch wanted me to get his comb. He, he likes his comb. Snyder: I don't think Mitch needs his comb right now. I think Mitch needs medical attention. Willow and Xander exchange a look. Snyder: And you need to stay away from the crime scene. Always sticking your nose in. Willow: (loudly) Sue? What did you say? Mitch was gonna sue the school? Snyder: (diverted by Willow) Sue? Who? Buffy mouths a 'thank you' to Willow and Xander and quickly goes onto the locker room. Xander: Well, his dad is the most powerful lawyer in Sunnydale. Snyder: Hold on. What have you two heard? Xander: His dad, the lawyer. You haven't heard of him? Willow: Other lawyers call him 'The Beast'. Cut to the locker room. It's deserted. Buffy walks quietly and looks around. She sees the bat on the floor and goes over to it. She nudges it with her foot and it just rolls away. She goes into the nearest row of lockers where four of the locker doors are damaged and wide open. She looks into one of the lockers and notices a large letter on the door next to it. She closes all the lockers and sees the word 'look' painted in red. Cut to later in the cafeteria during lunch. Willow: 'Look'? That's all it said? Xander: Look at what? Look at Mitch? Buffy: Maybe. All I know is it's a message. Xander: And... Giles: (finds them) Ah, here you are. Buffy: And monsters don't usually send messages. It's pretty much crush, kill, destroy. This was different. Giles: I'd have to say you're right. Buffy: I love it when he says that! Any theories? Giles: (takes a seat) Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before. Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. (no response from the others) I'm alone with that one, huh? Giles: Well, assuming the bat itself is not possessed, uh, there are a few possibilities that bear investigating. Uh, someone with telekinesis, uh, the power to move objects at will, uh, uh, an invisible creature, um, or possibly a poltergeist. Willow: A ghost? Giles: Yes, and a very angry one. Buffy: Yeah, I'd say. The locker room was a real scene. Willow: If it's a ghost, then we're talking about a dead kid. Buffy: I guess so. You know, why don't you compile a list of dead or missing kids? It's probably a good place to start. Giles: And, uh, I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. But, uh, Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me? Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen? Buffy: It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage. Xander: Well, what part do you have? Buffy: Gonna find out what I can about Mitch. This attack wasn't random. Xander: Well, I want that part. Buffy: Fine. You can do it. Ask around, talk to his friends. Talk to Cordelia! Xander: Talk to Cordelia? (to Giles) So, research, huh? Cut to the balcony. Harmony finds Cordelia at the drinking fountain. Harmony: Hi! Cordelia: Oh, hi. Harmony: Cordelia, you weren't in fifth period. Cordelia: I went to the hospital. Harmony: Oh, Mitch. How is he? Will he be okay? Cordelia: Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow. But... you should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone? Harmony: Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days. Cordelia: You think? Marcie has a flashback. Harmony finds Cordelia at the drinking fountain. Harmony: Hi! Cordelia: Hi! Did you see Mitch? He just broke up with Wendy eight seconds ago, and he's already nosing around. Harmony: It's shameless! Cordelia: In the spring, if he makes varsity baseball, maybe I'll take him on a test drive. Marcie: Hi, guys! Cordelia: What do *you* want? The flashback is over. Cordelia and Harmony walk along the balcony toward the stairs. Cordelia: I just hope they can prop him up long enough to take the picture. Buffy: (from the door) Cordelia, can I talk to you? Cordelia: Oh, great. Harmony: Why is she always try... Uff! She jerks backward and tumbles down the stairs. Buffy, Cordelia and others come running down after her. Principal Snyder saw it happen, too. Cordelia: Harmony! Snyder: Oh, for heaven sakes! Clear back, everyone! Give her some air! (to a student) You! School nurse, now! The student nods and scrambles to get the nurse. Harmony: Ow! Oh, my ankle! I think it's broken. Buffy: What happened? Snyder: (to Buffy) Hey! Who's the principal here? (to Harmony) What happened? Cordelia: She fell! She, she, we were standing at the top of the stairs and she just fell! All by herself! Harmony: No! I was pushed! Buffy gets up when she hears laughter and footsteps going up the stairs. She follows the sounds up the stairs. Snyder bends down and touches Harmony's ankle. Harmony: Ow! Snyder: Don't sue. Buffy reaches the top of the stairs and still hears the laughter. She sees a door close and follows whoever it was in. Cut inside. Buffy: Is anybody here? She feels something bump her and hears footsteps going into the band room. She looks around, confused. Buffy: Hey! Who's here? She goes into the band room and hears activity somewhere. The ceiling access hatch in the corner rises up, but Buffy doesn't notice it. Buffy: Okay, I know someone's here. Look, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just wanna talk to you. The ceiling hatch lowers back into place. Buffy looks around and finally leaves. The camera pans from Buffy up to the ceiling hatch in a corner above a cabinet. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The main entrance to Sunnydale High after school. Students are leaving for the day. The camera pans over to two men dressed in black suits watching the student's activity. Buffy: Giles, have you ever touched a ghost? Giles: Uh, no. From what I've heard, uh, having a, a ghost pass through you is a singular experience. It's a, it's a rather, uh, cold amorphous feeling. It makes your hair stand on end. Buffy: You see, that's my problem. I touched the thing, but it didn't go through me. It bumped into me. And it wasn't cold. Xander: So, we're talking about what, an invisible person? Buffy: A girl. She laughed. Giles: A girl on campus with the ability to become invisible. Xander: That is so cool! Willow: Cool? Xander: Well, yeah, I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room. Giles: It must be a fairly heady experience... having that ability. Willow: How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch. Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. (gets looks from everyone) Research Boy comes through with the knowledge! Buffy: This girl's sorta petty for a god. Willow: She's got a grudge. But why Harmony? Xander: Harmony and Mitch. The common denominator is... Buffy: Cordelia! Willow: So what now? Buffy: First thing tomorrow, why don't you pull up that missing kids list? Willow: Got it. I'll see ya then. Buffy: Bye. Xander: See ya. (leaves with Willow) Oh, hey, do you wanna come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place. Willow: Xander, do you guys even have a stove? Giles: (to Buffy) So, I'll look into ways that you can de-cloak an invisible someone. What about you? Buffy: I think Cordelia's gonna be workin' on her May Queen dress tonight. Maybe there'll be some action. Guess I'm gonna start the hunt. Giles: How exactly do you propose to hunt someone you can't see? Buffy gives Giles an inquisitive look. Cut to the halls that night. The shadow on the floor shows the doors opening. Giles: You may have to work on listening to people. Buffy: Very funny. Giles: I thought so. Buffy comes into the hall and hears activity to her left. She finds the room where Cordelia and her friends are getting her dress ready. They fuss over the dress. Buffy hears the conversation and laughter coming from the room. Cordelia: Should I wear my hair up? Do you think I should wear it up? Buffy peeks through the door to watch. Cordelia: How does the, um, hem go? Is it, is it long enough, or... Buffy smiles. Cordelia: Isn't it beautiful? Buffy looks down and remembers her own experience as Prom Queen. As she turns to go she hears a flute playing. She begins to follow the sound. Cut to the library. Giles comes up the stairs and stops when he hears the music, too. The music stops, and he continues into the stacks. He hears a squeaking and stops again. Giles: Who's there? After a moment he takes a few steps to a glass-enclosed bookcase and sees his reflection. He turns away and is startled by Angel standing there. He looks back at his reflection but doesn't see one for Angel. Giles: (exhales) A vampire casts no reflection. Angel: Don't worry. I'm not here to eat. Giles: Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore. Angel: Not for a long while. Giles: Is that why you're here? To see her? Angel: I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her. Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer! It's rather poetic! In a maudlin sort of way. What can I, uh... What can I do for you? Angel: I know you've been researching the Master. Giles: Yes, the vampire king. I've tried to learn as much as I can about him for the day that Buffy must face him. Angel: Something's already in motion, something big, but I don't know what. You've read all the Slayer lore there is, right? Giles: I-I've studied all the extant volumes, of course. But the, uh, most salient books of Slayer prophecy have been lost. The Tiberius Manifesto, the Pergamum Codex... Angel: The Codex? Giles: It's reputed to have contained the most complete prophecies about the Slayer's role in the end years. Unfortunately, the book was lost in the 15th century. Angel: Not lost. Misplaced. I can get it. Giles: (exhales, astounded) That would be most helpful! Uh, m-my own volumes have... been rather useless of late. Angel: (looks at Giles' book) Legends of Vishnu? Giles: (a bit embarrassed) There's an... invisible girl terrorizing the school. Angel: That's not really my area of expertise. Giles: Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a... a wonderful power to possess. Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. (cut to Giles' reflection) It's an overrated pleasure. Cut to a girls' restroom. Marcie is having another flashback. She looks at herself in the mirror. Cordelia and her friends come in. Cordelia: God! I am never sitting through another one of those alumni lectures again. Two hours of 'My Trek Through Nepal'. Hello! There is nobody caring. Marcie: And did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it looks like a cabbage. Cordelia: And those slides! 'That's a mountain. That's a mountain, too. Now look at some mountains.' Harmony: I swear, he had three slides and just used them over and over. Marcie: I know, but did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it was, like, the worst! Harmony: (to Marcie) We're talking, okay? Cordelia: Oh! And did you guys check out that extreme toupee? Yeah, that's realistic. It looked like a cabbage. They all laugh. Cordelia and her friends leave the restroom. Marcie stays behind and feels very left out. Snyder: The winner is Cordelia Chase! Cut to the quad where a stage has been set up. Snyder: Let's bring up our new May Queen. The students in the quad all applaud. Xander and Willow walk out of the crowd. Cordelia: Thank you for making the right choice, and for showing me how much you all love me. (applause) Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility, and I want you to know I take it very seriously. Cut to Buffy leaning on a nearby pillar. Willow and Xander come up to her. Cordelia: It all began when... Xander: So, Giles said you'd be here. Why are you being here? Buffy: Last night was a bust. But I still think Cordy's the key. Willow: This is the dead and missing list. I pulled up their classes, activities, medical records... Buffy: Good work. Willow notices the two men in black suits loitering by some stairs. Willow: Has Cordelia hired a bodyguard or something? Xander sees them too, and he and Willow exchange a look. Buffy: Hey, you guys, check out this one. It's the most recent one, Marcie Ross, disappeared, like, six months ago. Xander: I don't know her. Willow: Me neither. Buffy: Her only activity was band. She played the flute. Willow: So? Buffy: Well, last night when I was hunting, I heard this flute, but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. And it was in the band room that I lost Miss Invisible yesterday. You know what, this all tracks. I'm gonna check it out. See you guys later? Xander: Okay, we'll see you after geometry. Cordelia: (still giving her acceptance speech) Ask not what your school can do for you, ask: Hey! What am I wearing to the Spring Fling? Cut to the band room. Buffy looks around and almost runs into a chair. She notices a boot print on it, guesses it was used as a step to climb and looks up. She notices in the corner of the ceiling that there's an access hatch. She climbs up onto the cabinet and crawls over to the hatch. She lifts it up and puts it aside as she pokes her head in and has a look around. She climbs up onto the ceiling and begins to crawl through the space. Near a skylight she finds Marcie's things. Her flute is there, and Buffy picks it up to look at it. The camera shows Marcie's view as she watches Buffy go through her stuff. Buffy picks up her teddy bear, looks at it and puts it back. She looks under some sheet music, finds Marcie's yearbook, pulls it out and opens it. Buffy: Marcie Ross. So it is you. As Buffy sits there and reflects, a knife floats in midair behind her left shoulder. Buffy closes the yearbook and takes it with her as she starts back to the hatch. In the band room she closes the hatch and climbs back down from the cabinet. Cut to Ms. Miller's classroom. She's waiting for Cordelia to show up. Marcie walks in and closes the door. Ms. Miller: Cordelia, could you possibly be on time? She looks up from her desk and sees no one's there. She goes back to her work as Marcie walks around behind her and giggles. Ms. Miller: Who's there? Marcie slips a plastic bag over Ms. Miller's head and ties it off. Cut to the hall. Cordelia arrives at the door and knocks. Cut inside. Ms. Miller is slumped over on her desk. Cordelia comes in. Cordelia: Ms. Miller? (sees her) Oh, my God! Ms. Miller! (lifts her up) Oh, my God! (pulls the bag off) Are you okay? Ms. Miller draws a sudden deep breath and begins coughing. Cordelia: Ms. Miller, what happened? Behind her at the chalkboard a piece of chalk floats up and begins to write. Ms. Miller: Attacked. Didn't see. The piece of chalk makes noise on the board, and Cordelia and Ms. Miller turn to see it finish writing the word 'listen'. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles is sitting at the table. Giles: A nest? Buffy: It looked like she'd been there for months. It's where I found this. She opens the yearbook and puts it on the table for Willow and Xander to see. Willow: Oh, my God! (reads) 'Have a nice summer. Have a nice summer.' This girl had no friends at all. Giles: Uh, once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander: It's the kiss of death. Buffy: You guys didn't know Marcie Ross? Xander: Never met her. Why? Buffy: 'Cause you both wrote it, too. (points to Xander's signature) Xander: 'Have a nice...' Yeesh! Willow: Where am I? (Buffy points) Oh. 'Have a *great* summer.' See, I cared! Buffy: You guys don't remember her? Xander: No, I probably didn't see her except to sign the book. I mean, this is a big school. Willow: (looks at her printouts) Xander, we each had four classes with her last year. Buffy: So, no one noticed her, and now she's invisible. Xander: What, she turned invisible because no one noticed her? Giles: (hits the table) Of course! (gets up) I've been investigating the mystical causes of invisibility when I, I should have looked at the quantum mechanical! (gets looks from them all) Physics. Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh? Giles: (gets a book) It's a rudimentary concept that, that reality is shaped, even, even... created by our perception. Buffy: And with the Hellmouth below us sending out mystical energy... Giles: People perceived Marcie as, as, as invisible, and, and, and, and she became so. Cut to Ms. Miller's class, where Marcie has another flashback. Ms. Miller: So, who knows the answer to this one? Think about it. Several students, including Marcie, raise their hands. Ms. Miller: Cordelia? Cordelia: Well, just because the story's about him, doesn't necessarily mean he's the hero, right? Ms. Miller: Exactly. So, what do we call him? Willow? Willow: Well, the protagonist. Ms. Miller: Xander? Xander: Why can't he be both? I mean, he did do some things that are pretty heroic. Ms. Miller: Absolutely. Who doesn't agree with that? Several students including Marcie raise their hands. Ms. Miller points to one. Ms. Miller: Okay. Marcie raises her hand again. Ms. Miller points to someone else. Ms. Miller: And how about you? Marcie becomes weary of constantly being passed over and sighs. She looks at her hand and watches as it becomes translucent and then transparent. Her flashback is over. Cut to the library. Buffy: This isn't this great power that she can control. It's something that was done to her. That *we* did to her. Willow: No wonder she's miffed. Xander: What does she want? Buffy: Just what we thought. Cordelia. She turns the yearbook to Willow and Xander to show them the marked up picture of Cordelia. Cordelia comes into the library and overhears her name. Cordelia: What? I knew you'd be here. Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Willow and Xander can't believe that she just said that in front of them. Cordelia: Ooo! (exhales) Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down... Willow: Nausea? Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony?! This is all about me! Me, me, me! Xander: Wow! For once she's right! Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help. Cordelia: (nods) Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang. Buffy can't believe what she's hearing. Cordelia: Please! I don't have anyone else to turn to! Giles gets up and offers her a chair. Giles: Please. Sit down. Cordelia: Okay. Thanks. Giles: You know, I... I don't recall ever seeing you here before. Cordelia: Oh, no, I have a life. Buffy: Okay. (exhales) Cordelia, your attacker is an invisible girl. Xander: Who is really, really angry at you, which I... can't imagine personally, but it... takes all kinds, y'know? Cordelia: Well, I don't care what it is, just get rid of it! Buffy: Well, it's not that simple, it's a person, it's... (shows her the yearbook) It's this person. Now, do you have any idea why she'd be so... Cordelia: Oh, God! Is she really wearing Laura Ashley? Xander: So homicidal? Cordelia: (exhales) I have no idea! I've never seen this girl before in my life! Cut to the crawl space in the ceiling. Marcie: (maniacally) I won 'cause you didn't see me coming. Cordelia, you don't remember me. I remember you, all your idiot slut friends, I hate them. They take your life and they suck it out of you! But then they didn't see me coming. They gotta learn. They gotta learn. Cut to the library. Giles: According to what you told us about the attack on Ms. Miller, we now have two messages from Marcie: 'look' and 'listen'. Willow: Messages we don't understand. Buffy: I don't think we're supposed to... yet. Marcie's not quite ready. But from what she did to Cordelia's picture, I would say that she's wigged on the whole May Queen thing. Maybe she's gonna do something about it. Willow: Stop the coronation tonight, maybe. Keep you guys away from the Bronze? Cordelia: Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight! Xander: Uh, can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities? Cordelia: If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me. Buffy: Cordelia has a point. Cordelia: Buffy's with me on this. Buffy: Anyway, continuing the normal May Queen activities may be the best way to draw Marcie out. We can use Cordelia as bait. Cordelia: Great! Bait? Giles: Willow, Xander, you'll help me begin our research anew. Unless we find a way to cure Marcie's invisibility, then Buffy will be... Marcie is there now looking down from the stacks. Buffy: A sitting duck. They all get up to do their tasks. Buffy: (to Cordelia) C'mon. Cordelia: Well, I have to try on my dress. And am I really bait? Cut to the halls. Buffy and Cordelia are walking. Cordelia: So, how much the creepy is it that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us? Learning our most guarded secrets? So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular? Buffy: That about sums it up. Cordelia: (exhales) Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely. Buffy: Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling? Cordelia: (stops Buffy) Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say. Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular? Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself. She continues down the hall. After considering that for a moment Buffy quickly follows. Cut to the library. Willow hears a flute play. Willow: Shhh! Listen! They all listen for a moment and look in the direction of the music. Giles: Come on. Cut to the hall. They come out of the library. Giles: We could... talk to her. Perhaps reason with her. Or possibly grab her. Willow: There are three of us. Xander: Let's go! They start down the hall. Cut to a mop closet. Buffy opens the door and turns on the light. Cordelia: If you ever tell to anyone that I changed in a mop closet... Buffy: Your secret dies with me. (looks around) Looks okay. But hurry. Cordelia: Okay. She leaves the closet and closes the door behind her. Cut to the basement. Giles, Willow and Xander come down the stairs and look around. They all listen for the next direction to take. Xander hears the flute through a pair of heavy metal doors. Xander: Over here. He opens the door and they all follow him into the boiler room. Giles: Marcie? We know what happened to you. Please, can we talk to you? Willow: We're sorry we ignored you. Xander follows the sound of the flute over to a shelf where there's a tape recorder playing. Xander: Can you say 'gulp'? Marcie can be heard running from the room and slamming the door behind her. The main gas valve has been opened and is hissing. Giles: What's that sound? Cut to the hall. Buffy is talking to Cordelia through the door. Buffy: You know what you were saying before? I understand. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter how popular you are when... Cordelia: You were popular? In what alternate universe? Buffy: In L.A. Th-the point is, I did sort of feel like something was missing. Cordelia: Is that when you became weird and got kicked out? Buffy: Okay. Can we have the heartfelt talk with a little less talk from you? (no response) Cordelia? She hears noises inside the closet and some muffled screaming. Buffy: Cordelia! She tries the door, but it's locked. Buffy: Cordelia! She punches through the door and reaches in to unlock it. As she comes in she sees Cordelia being pulled through the ceiling. Cordelia: Buffy! Buffy tries to jump and grab her legs, but she's pulled through too quickly. Buffy steps back, takes a running jump up to grab a pipe and swings herself up and through the opening. Cut to the basement. Giles: It's gas. (checks the furnace) She's snuffed out the pilot light! The gas is on full! (looks around) I can't find the shutoff valve. Xander finds the valve handle on the floor. Xander: Is this it? Willow: Okay, that's bad. How 'bout the door? She and Xander slam themselves into it, but it doesn't budge. Xander spots a bar, grabs it and starts to swing it at the door like a ram. Giles: NO! One spark and you'll take the whole building with us! Cut to the ceiling crawl space. Buffy looks around and finds Cordelia lying there. Buffy: Cordelia! (kneels next to her) Cordelia! (takes her pulse) Oh, my God! She's looking around for what to do when Marcie kicks her. She rolls away and falls through a ceiling panel and onto a desk below, smashing it and getting knocked out. Marcie drops a medical bag next to her and opens it. Buffy wakes and lifts her head to look around. Marcie gets a syringe out of the bag and goes over to Buffy. She sees the needle at the last moment as Marcie injects her in the neck. Buffy's vision blurs, and in just a few seconds she falls back to the floor unconscious. ~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside the Bronze. Cut inside. Cordelia and Buffy are tied to the May King and Queen thrones. Buffy wakes up. Cordelia: Buffy? You're awake? Buffy: (a bit disoriented) Yeah. Cordelia: I can't feel my face! Buffy: What do you mean? Cordelia: My face. My face is numb. What is she doing? Buffy: I don't know. Cordelia looks at the curtain. 'Learn' is written on it in glitter. Cordelia: What does that mean? Buffy: I don't know. Cut to the basement. Giles tries to turn the gas valve off with his bare hands with some success. Giles: That should give us a few minutes, but we b... If we don't get out of this room soon... Willow: Why is Marcie doing this? Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile, she's... (coughs) she has gone mad! Xander: Ya think? (coughs) Cut to the Bronze. A tray wheels itself over to Buffy and Cordelia. Marcie: Uh, I'm disappointed. I'd really hoped you guys had figured it out by now. Buffy: Well, why don't you explain it? C'mon, Marcie, what are we supposed to learn? Cordelia: Yeah, what do you wanna teach us! Marcie: You don't get it. You're not the student. You're the lesson. Cordelia: What did you do to my face? Marcie: Your face. That's what this is all about, isn't it? Your beautiful face. That's what makes you shine just a little bit brighter than the rest of us. We all want what you have. To be noticed, remembered. To be seen. Cordelia: What are you doing? Marcie: Well, I'm fulfilling your fondest wish. She pulls off the cloth covering the tray, revealing several surgical instruments. Cordelia gasps when she sees them. Marcie: I'm gonna give you a face no one will ever forget. Cut to the basement. Willow is slouched on the floor, weakened by the lack of oxygen. Giles takes off his jacket and wraps it around the pole Xander found to prevent sparks. Giles: One, two, three! The two of them ram the door with the pole, and it makes a deep, loud boom, but it doesn't budge. Giles: Again! The door still won't budge. Cut to the Bronze. Buffy: Marcie, you can't do this. Marcie: What are you gonna do? Slay me? Buffy: Marcie, you know this is wrong. Marcie: (punches Buffy) You shoulda stayed outta my way. Y'know, I, I thought, I thought you would understand my vision, but you're just like them. She takes a scalpel from the tray and swings it at Cordelia's face. Cordelia: (gasps) Please don't do this! (watches the blade float in front of her) Nooohohoho! Marcie: You should be grateful. I mean, people who pass you in the street are gonna remember you for the rest of their lives. Buffy struggles to reach for the tray while Marcie concentrates on Cordelia. Marcie: Children are gonna dream about you. And every one of your, your friends who comes to the coronation tonight will take the sight of the May Queen to their graves. Cordelia: Wait! Marcie: No, we really have to get started. The local anesthetic's gonna wear off soon, and I don't want you to faint. It's less fun if you're not awake. Cut to the basement. Willow is unconscious. Xander and Giles are on the floor now, too. Xander: You guys are... I'm blacking out on you. He collapses onto Willow. Cut to the Bronze. Marcie: Let me see. I think we should start with your smile. I think it should be wider. Cordelia: Marcie, I know you think I don't understand, but I do! Marcie: Yeah, I'll *bet* you know how I feel. I'm sure you can just be with all your friends and feel so alone 'cause they don't really know you. You're just a typical, self-involved, spoiled little brat, and you think you can charm your way out of this, don't you?! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! She swings the scalpel and cuts Cordelia's cheek. Buffy looks at her in shock. Marcie: I see right through you. Buffy has freed her legs and kicks the instrument tray into Marcie. She stumbles back into the curtain. Buffy quickly pulls the rest of the ropes off and gets out of her chair. Cordelia: Oh, my God! Get me out of here, please! Buffy: (starts working on Cordelia's ropes) Hold still! Marcie can be heard getting back up, and she kicks Buffy away from Cordelia. Cordelia screams. Cordelia: (crying) Uh, huh, huh, oh, my God! Cut to the basement. Giles is weakly slapping against the door. It suddenly opens, and Giles falls through it. Angel stands in the doorway and looks around and down. He quickly grabs Giles and helps him up. Angel: Come on! He helps Giles out of the room. He pulls Xander up, and he wakes and gets out by himself. Angel picks Willow up in his arms and carries her out. Giles slams the door closed. They all cough and try to breathe. Xander: What happened? Angel: You tell me. Willow: (waking up) I'm up, mom. Xander: (notices Angel) Hi! What do you want? Angel: I brought you the Codex. (hands the book to Giles) I came in through the basement. I smelled the gas. Giles: Yes, w-w-well shut it off, otherwise, uh, the whole building will go up! Angel: I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen. Giles: Come on, let's get out of here. He leads Willow and Xander up the stairs as Angel watches them go. When they're gone Angel goes into the room to shut off the gas. Cut to the Bronze. Buffy gets up. Buffy: Y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony! Cordelia: Buffy, are you okay? Buffy tries to get up, but Marcie kicks her back down. Cordelia: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Buffy tries to get up again, but Marcie punches her and knocks her onto the chair. Cordelia: (screams) Buffy! Buffy falls off of the chair and tips it over onto herself in the process. Cordelia: (screams) Buffy! Oh, my God! Buffy gets up again and takes a blind swing. Marcie: Hey, moron! I'm invisible! (knocks Buffy down) How are you gonna fight someone you can't see? Cordelia: Oh, my God! She is in hysterics, and it's distracting Buffy. Buffy: Cordelia, shut up. Cordelia: (meekly) Okay. Buffy closes her eyes and tries to sense where Marcie is. Marcie slowly walks around her. The floor creaks under her foot and Buffy spins around and lands a punch right on target. Marcie staggers back into a red banner, and it wraps around her and gets pulled down with her. She gets up with the banner draped over her head. Buffy: I see you. She punches Marcie again, knocking her down once more. The side door opens, and several FBI men come in. Agent: Everybody stay where you are. Two agents run over to Buffy and Marcie. Doyle: (gun drawn) FBI! Nobody move! Manetti: (holds out his hand to keep Buffy back) Okay, we'll take it from here now, ma'am. (helps Marcie up) Buffy: Take what from where? Doyle: I'm agent Doyle, this is Agent Manetti. We're here for the girl. Buffy: Well, where were you ten minutes ago when she was playing surgeon? Doyle: I'm sorry, we came as fast as we could. Marcie: (to herself) Oh, my God! Doyle: (hands Marcie off to another agent) We'll take it from here on. Agent: C'mon. Buffy: You can cure her? Doyle: We can rehabilitate her. Manetti: In time she'll learn to be a useful member of society again. Marcie is led out of the Bronze by the other agents. Marcie: Where are we going? Doyle: Very useful. Buffy: (realizes) This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? It's happened at other schools. Manetti: We're not at liberty to discuss that. Doyle: It would be best for you to forget this whole incident. Buffy: Do you know that you guys are very creepy? Doyle: Thank you for your help. Manetti: Oh, and, uh... have a nice day. Buffy watches them go. Cordelia: Can I get untied now? Buffy turns to Cordelia and kneels down to untie her. She smiles up at Cordelia. Cut to the school halls the next day. The team is walking to the library. Buffy: I just can't believe how twisted Marcie got. By the way, how did you guys get out of the boiler room? Xander: Oh, well, when the gas was coming down, we... Giles: Janitor, um, found us. Shut the valve off. Willow: We were lucky. Buffy: I'll say. Cordelia comes down the hall toward them at a fast walk. Cordelia: Hi. Buffy: Hey! Cordelia: Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything... but, um, I guess I just wanted to say thank you, all of you. Xander: That's funny, 'cause she *looks* like Cordelia. Buffy elbows him in the chest. Cordelia: You really helped me out yesterday, and you didn't have to. So, thank you. Buffy: It's okay. Willow: Listen, we were gonna grab lunch in a minute if you wanted to... Mitch: (comes up behind Cordelia) Whoa, whoa. You're not hangin' with these losers, are you? Cordelia: Uhhh! Are you kidding? Heh! (takes his arm and leaves) I was just being charitable. Helping them with their fashion problems. Heh. You think I really felt like joining *that* social leper colony? Puh- leeease! Xander: Boy, where's an invisible girl when you really need one? They head into the library. Cut to an FBI building. Doyle and Manetti escort Marcie to a classroom. Doyle: I think you'll be happy here. Manetti: You should fit right in. Marcie doesn't answer, but just goes into the classroom. The only person visible in it is the teacher. Teacher: Welcome, Marcie. Marcie: Hey. Teacher: Class, this is Marcie. Class: Hi, Marcie. Teacher: Sit down. Marcie takes the chair on the end of the second row. Teacher: Okay, class, let's get started. Everybody turn to page fifty- four of your texts. Marcie opens her book and flips through to page fifty-four. The title of chapter eleven reads 'Assassination and Infiltration'. Marcie: Cool!
Plan: A: teachers; Q: Along with students, who ignores Marcie? A: Marcie; Q: Who is the invisible student who terrorizes Cordelia and her friends? A: her affliction; Q: What does Marcie use to terrorize Cordelia and her friends? A: Buffy; Q: Who stops Marcie when she goes too far? Summary: Ignored by students and teachers alike, Marcie literally becomes invisible, then uses her affliction to terrorize Cordelia and her friends. Sympathetic at first, Buffy nevertheless stops Marcie when she goes too far. Men in black come to take Marcie away.
At Craig's place. The band is rehearsing Craig: Ok that sounded a bit tighter? Spinner: Keyboard was a bit off on the bridge though. Ashley: Really? Cause the drums threw me off, only it was more in the verse Marco: Ok, it sounded like this tape of whales my aunt Pea has. Craig: We have to do better. Spinner: Dude. We only have three days! Craig: Well we aren't going to win $10, 000 worth of free recording again and we have to use it now and we have to be better. Marco: Yeah and we could be if... if Jimmy could play with us. Craig: I wish he could too. Ashley: Well, what if we tried 'Everything's Dust'? Spinner: Sure the song that just so happens to be all about you. Marco: I think what Spinner means is that uh we've come a long way since that song. Craig: But it's how we won the contest. I mean we know it works for us. Spinner: Yeah it worked for you anyway. Craig: What?! Let's just try it. Spinner: Yeah alright. So what? (Starts to play) One, two, crap, four. In Mr. Simpson's class Paige: Ew! Ok there is gum on this chair! Excuse me, Mr. Simpson but gum on chairs is disgrossting and illegal. Mr. Simpson: Just find another seat Paige. It's not the end of the world. Paige: Hello! It's watermelon. Hazel: Yeah you definitely need to come with me to yoga. They offer it after school in the gym. Paige: Yeah I prefer retail therapy. Hazel: Honestly. It's the only thing keeping me sane since...well you know. Paige: I'm so sorry. I haven't even asked about Jimmy today. Or you. Hazel: It's okay. Me, I'm just glad the school gave us a way to de-stress that doesn't involve more talking. Paige: Do not let the cult of yoga suck you in. You'll end up wearing batik and eating spout and they'll have to perform an exorcism to get my Hazel back. Mr. Oleander: Coming to yoga today? Hazel: Wouldn't miss it Mr. Oleander! Paige: Mr. O teaches yoga? What was I thinking? I love yoga. Mr. Simpson: Okay everyone. Special treat today! Mr. Oleander, our student teacher here is going to start the class off with a discussion on subliminal messages in mainstream media. It's all yours. Mr. Oleander: Thanks. Hey everybody. That work? Good. Okay so, in the early 1950's an advertising expert by the name of James Vicary walked into a movie theatre... In the hospital Craig: We can't make the new song work without you. I thought Spin was gonna walk out on rehearsal. Jimmy: Yeah Spinner walks out on a lot of things. Craig: Yeah, so um Ash thinks that we should do that song from last year. You know, 'Dust'. Jimmy: Ashley? Craig: Yeah she's been coming to rehearsals, advising, stuff. Jimmy: Okay. Is that what you're calling it these days? Craig: No, there's nothing going on with me and Ash. We're friends. Jimmy: Okay look I may be crippled man, but I'm not blind. Craig: Don't. You're not crippled okay? Jimmy: I guess I won't be for long. Just like I imagine that you and Ashley won't just be friends for long either. Craig: What did you get brain damage too? Ashley and I are not gonna happen again. Jimmy: Whatever. (Smiles) Whatever. During Yoga Mr. Oleander: In the warrior stance your feet are firmly rooted in the earth. Your knees over your ankle. Your shin is vertical. Marco: Doesn't Mr O. look oh so fetching in his yoga pants. Paige: Fetching is for dogs and Mr. Oleander is not a dog. Marco: Shh. Mr. Oleander: Excellent Paige. Breathe. How does that feel? Paige: Amazing. Mr. Oleander: Extra points for smiling. Paige: He was flirting with me. Hazel: He's a teacher! Paige: Student teacher, hello! In Craig's garage (Craig is quietly singing the song, while Ashley is playing on the keyboards.) Ashley: So what do you think? Craig: I think you're brilliant! Ashley: Your song is brilliant. Marco: Um, doesn't it sound kind of pretty? I mean we are a rock band. Craig: Hey, hey it's good contrast. It's counterpoint. Ashley: Well maybe it would help if we worked on the bass line. You know made it less simple. (Spinner and Manny walk in.) Spinner: Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Craig: Spinner we've been here an hour. Spinner: You wanna sit on a chair? Manny: Thanks sticks! Craig: Who's sticks?! And why is she here? Spinner: I'm sticks and I just thought since the band was open to any and all chicks. I'd bring my own amuse. Craig: You mean muse? At the movie theatre Paige: I mean do you think it meant something?! It might have, but then Hazel said that- This is torture! Alex: You and the Furby just broke up. It's okay to be single for twenty minutes. Paige: Easy for you to say! Mr. Oleander: Easy for what? Paige: That um... I so hate polyester. Mr. Oleander: Okay. Anyways I was just walking by and I thought I'd come say hi to my favorite yoga student. Alex: You should go for it. Paige: What? Alex: I happened to see my favorite yoga student? Please he loves you. At school Manny: There is no such thing as bad publicity but there is such a thing as a bad shirt. Marco: I couldn't agree with you more. Spinner: I like this shirt. Okay. Whatever. I don't know why we bother because it's obvious we're just the backup band for Ashley and Craig's variety hour! Marco: Spin, stop being a drama queen okay, it's not like that. Spinner: It's like, you and I aren't even in the band! Ashley: I could see us going really far. The band, I mean. Liberty: Let's commence. Deadline looming. Liberty: So where do you see your band going? Marco: Actually we... Craig: Far. Really far. Liberty: Who are your major influences: Spinner: We uh... Ashley: We all love Deathcab. Neutral Milk Hotel. Liberty: Where do your songs come from? Marco: We like to... Craig: Well actually they all come from a bunch of different sources of inspiration. Liberty: Ok. Any solo projects coming up? Spinner: Uh yeah. Marco and I have a... Ashley: God no, no, no! No, this is only our first single. Liberty: Okay, um what would you like to say to your fans? Ashley: Just keep watching us and you ain't seen nothing yet. Liberty: Everyone say ((something?))! Ashley: ((something?)) Liberty: Fabulous. Craig: Alright. That was great. Liberty: Good job guys. Ashley: Thanks Liberty. Liberty: It's gonna be an interesting article. In a classroom Craig: Hey. Marco: Hey Craig um, we have a problem. Craig: Okay so let's talk. Spinner: Ashley's got to go. Marco: Woah, Sticks hey slow it down...Ashley's got to go. Craig: Has everyone gone nuts? Marco: She's not in the band Craig. We never agreed to it. Craig: Yes you did! Spinner: Dude, it used to be our band. Remember it used to be about us. Craig: It's still about us. Marco: Ash lost the contest okay? To us and to Jimmy. So why does she get to be on the recording? Craig: Look. Recording this single, it means everything to me okay? Spinner: Dude! Either she goes or we do k, cause it's not working. Marco: You have to fire her. In the hallway Craig: Remember the recording session? Ashley: Uh hi. And yeah, how could I forget? Craig: Yeah um, I don't know how to tell you this. Ashley: Look, I'm nervous too. But I mean you'll be there and all I have to do is look over at you and I'll be fine. So, you wanted to tell me something? (Craig kisses Ashley and then she walks away kind of shocked and keeps looking back at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] At the Dot Marco: Look you did the right thing okay. I'm sure it was painful for you and Ash, but hey at least us guys can be us guys again. Craig: Painful?! Ashley and I we're...we're back. We're back together! Spinner: Oh gee. I thought she would have been all mad when you fired her! Marco: Uh yeah he didn't fire her Spinner. (Marco and Spinner get up to leave) Craig: Like I could kiss her and then do it. Marco cut me some slack. What it's not that big of a deal?! In Yoga class Mr. Oleander: Extend the crown of your head and breathe deeply. Good. Good. (He walks past Paige and helps Heather.) Mr. Oleander: You're a natural Heather. Perfect. Paige: He didn't even look at me. All he could look at were Heather Sinclair's trashy roots and her big, round- Hazel: Not to sound like a broken record, but he is a teacher! Paige: How am I supposed to go for it if he won't even look at me? Hazel: Maybe you shouldn't go for it. You and older guys are not always a good match! Paige: Shh. Mr. Oleander: (on his cell phone) Hey Charlie, just got your message. Uh yeah 8:00, Bar Craft. See you then. Bye. Paige: Where's Bar Craft? At Ellie's (heh Sean's) place Ashley: So one minute we're talking first recording session butterflies, and the next, full on lip lock. Ellie: Don't do it. Ashley: Yeah little late for that. Ellie: Not the kiss. The rest. Ashley: He's different. I think. Ellie: Guys suck Ashley. They enjoy messing with our feelings and then sticking us with the rent. Just don't come crying to me when he Craig's out on you. At the Dot Craig: Everything okay? (Holds up his phone) Your uh, your text was all in caps. Ashley: Yeah I just, I figured we should talk before rehearsal, about yesterday. Craig: Right. Okay. Well it sort of took me by surprise. Ashley: Yeah join the club. Craig: So you're confused too? Ashley: You know maybe we were just uh, reaching for something familiar. Given Jimmy, everything that's happened. Craig: Oh, never thought of that. Ashley: We have been doing great as friends right? Craig: Right and who'd wanna screw that up? Ashley: Yeah, who would? Craig: Good. Great. Good. I'm glad we got that settled. Ashley: Yeah well at least we still have the band. Craig: Yeah. At the club Hazel: I hope they have yoga in jail Paige: We're not going to jail ok. Our ID is super good. I swear. Hazel: So we'll be in jail and the witness protection program. Paige: Hazel, breathe out tension, breathe in peace remember? Hazel: When's your birthday? Paige: Um you know it's uh, it's November 19th. Hazel: Of what year? Paige: Crap.19... Hazel: Too slow. You're in jail! Paige: Okay what's your postal code? Bouncer: ID ladies. At Craig's garage Craig: So last practice. Tomorrow's our big break. Marco: Yeah great, where's Ash? Craig: Um kitchen, getting us some- Manny: (holding a tambourine) Guys can't we get a prettier one? Spinner: Oh yeah because you get to do what you want I'm putting Manny on tambourine. Marco: (pulls out an accordion) What?! Every man for himself right Craig? Ashley: Hey guys. Did I miss something? Marco: Yeah actually, Craig why don't you tell Ashley about the changes we made to our band? Ashley: They include the accordion? Playing a nice polka? Okay um, we record tomorrow. Why are we making changes now? Spinner: Tell her why Craig. (Craig is just staring openmouthed at everyone.) Spinner: No? Alright and 1, still crap, four. (Everyone starts playing (lol, it was really hilarious) and Ashley is just staring at them all.) In the bar Paige: We did it. We did it. We did it! Hazel: Paige you need to get out more. Paige: There he is. Hazel: Calm down. Calm down! Paige: Oh my god, he's drinking a beer. That is so cute. (Paige walks over to him.) Paige: Mr. O? I never thought I'd see you in here. Mr. Oleander: Paige. Hey. Um you know this is a bar right? Paige: Yeah I love this place. Can I sit down? Can I uh buy you a drink? Mr. O: Hey. Hey Paige I want you to meet someone. This is Charlie, my girlfriend. Paige: Oh. Mr. Uh Paige is a student of mine. Charlie: Oh you're so sweet. I think she's kind of crushing on you Matty. I'll have a red wine and a Shirley temple for the kid here. It's a school night. (The bouncer throws Paige and Hazel out of the club.) Paige: Hey, I am 19. This is ridiculous. At the recording studio Marco: It's uber cool. I can't believe we're recording. Spinner: Yeah. It is just like we always wanted. (Shakes the tambourine) Hey Craig? Craig: Sure. Gypsy rock and roll act. Spinner: Hey it's your choice buddy. Ashley: Hey sorry I'm late. Cab driver got lost. My luck. Craig: Come on guys, we're on the clock. (Marco plays the accordion.) Ashley: Um, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a diva but are we really gonna record like this? Spinner: Well what do you mean, your highness? Ashley: With the accordion and the tambourine? Craig? Spinner: Yeah okay guys, let's get some more free food eh? Here hold this. *puts the tambourine on Marco's head* Manny: Dibs on the cinnamon buns! Spinner: Oh yeah! (Manny, Spinner and Marco leave) Ashley: Uh Craig, what's going on? Look I'm not stupid, you have to tell me. Craig: Okay. Um. You need to leave. You're out of the band. Ashley: And um the whole band wants this? Craig: Yeah. But I don't! It's just- Ashley: No, no it's just business. Back at the recording studio, it's just Craig, Marco and Spinner (Craig starts singing the song and they sound really good until the near the end of the song when he looks at the lonely keyboard and just stops singing.) Marco: Uh Craig? Spinner: Uh, okay that was awesome. Let's just take it from the top. Craig: I can't do it. Marco: Woah, Craig, of course you can! Spinner: Where are you going?! Craig: Um, everything. It was all about Ashley. It wasn't about a single, or making it big...just Ashley! Spinner: No Craig! Outside Craig: Ashley! Ashley. Hey... Ashley: What are you doing here? You're recording. Craig: Couldn't. I couldn't do it. Especially a song that meant so much to us. Ashley: So you just left? (She hits him in the shoulder) How could you throw a chance like that away?! Craig: Look the recording studio will always be there, but you I wasn't so sure. Ashley: What? Craig: I um sorry. I thought that... Ashley: Hey. If you think you're just gonna walk away. (She pulls him back and kisses him.) Ashley: So um. Do you think we can uh. Craig: Yeah. Yeah I do. Ashley: So do I. (They kiss again.) Scenes for next week Craig: No one's gonna come between Ash and me ever again. Voiceover: With Ashley and Craig together once more everything seems perfect. Ashley: That's it. I'm really happy. Voiceover: But looks can be deceiving. Craig: Everyone's trying to separate us. Ashley: We were passing notes and talking. Craig: Who's side are you on?
Plan: A: The recording deal; Q: What is about to expire? A: Downtown Sasquatch; Q: What band is about to lose their recording deal? A: Craig; Q: Who asks Ashley to join the band? A: Matt Oleander; Q: Who does Paige develop a crush on? A: the teaching assistant; Q: Who is Matt Oleander? Summary: The recording deal Downtown Sasquatch won is about to expire, but the band is nowhere near good enough. When Craig asks Ashley to join the band, it angers the other members. Meanwhile, Paige develops a crush on Matt Oleander, the teaching assistant.
[EXT. HOTEL - FRONT DRIVE -- DAY] (SLOW MOTION. The bride and groom sit on back of the open convertible as it slowly passes the wedding party and guests cheering them on.) (As the convertible passes, the horrified guests in the back yell for them to Guests: Stop! Guests: Stop! Crowd: Stop! (The camera moves to the tail end of the car where normally cans are tied to the bumper. The car passes and we see a woman in a white dress dragged behind the car, leaving a streak of blood on the driveway.) (The crowd continues to scream.) (Close-up of Diane Chase being dragged on the driveway.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. FRANK'S COFFEE SHOP -- PARKING LOT -- DAY] (Nick pulls up his SUV and parks. He gets out and heads for the diner.) [INT. FRANK'S COFFEE SHOP -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sara and Greg are in a booth eating. Through the window, we see Nick head for the diner.) Sara: Why do we always come here? Greg: Open 24 hours. Sara: Everything in Vegas is open 24 hours. Greg: It's cheap. (Nick enters and sits next to Sara.) Nick: Smells like bacon in here. (to Sara) Slide over. That scene took forever. We were there like, what, nine hours? Sara: Eleven. Greg: A dead lawyer and two hundred eyewitnesses -- it's going to take awhile. Nick: Come for a wedding, stay for the funeral. Why do we always eat here? Greg: It's tradition. Sara: Ah, tradition. Like becoming property exchange between your father and your husband? Nick: Oh, that's not what a wedding is. It's a public declaration of love. Greg: I'm with Vince Vaughn on this one. Dozens of horny, single women with access to an open bar and coupling on their mind. (The waitress appears and puts a cup down on the table in front of Nick. She fills the cup as she listens to Greg.) Waitress: Weddings are a Rorschach. Everybody sees what they want to see. My first five were good. (The waitress leaves. As she moves off, we see a large blue truck pull up in the parking lot outside the window, blocking our and their view of Nick's SUV. Greg looks up as we overhear the news report on the television set.) Paula Francis: (from tv) Noted criminal defense attorneyDiane Chase was killed yesterday. Crime Scene Investigators say ... (On the monitor, we see Sara next to the body collecting evidence. The area is taped off.) Greg: We haven't even gone back to the lab yet, and we're already on TV. (Nick and Sara also watch the report.) INSERT: NEWS REPORT (The monitor cuts back from footage to Paula Francis reporting from the studio.) Paula Francis: (from tv) In a tragic twist, Ms. Chase was killed while attending her son's wedding. She was best known for taking on the toughest cases, and it was her defense of high-profile, organized crime associates that really made her a name in legal circles. (On the monitor, we watch file footage of Dino Fatelli walking out of the courtroom with Diane Chase by his side. They are surrounded by reporters.) Diane Chase: (from tv) If it was an intelligent question, I'd stop to answer it. Paula Francis: (from tv) Most recently, she represented Dino Fatelli of the Fatelli crime family, who was sentenced to life last month for the brutal slaying of casino mogul Remy James. (On the monitor, we watch file footage of Remy James on the street, his legs tied to the back of a car, license #417 DXO.) RESUME SCENE Greg: The stones on these guys -- to take her out at her son's wedding? (Through the window, we see the blue truck gone.) Nick: Pass the cream, will you? (Sara reaches for the creamer and hands it to Nick. As he eats, Greg absently glances out the window. We see a blue truck drive away. But, more noticeably, we don't see Nick's SUV parked anywhere.) Greg: Dude, where's your car? Nick: (points) It's parked right ... (Nick and Sara both turn to look and find that it's definitely gone. Sara's jaw drops.) (Oh, no!) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [EXT. FRANK'S COFFEE SHOP -- PARKING LOT -- DAY] (A police siren sounds. Out front of Frank's Restaurant are the CSIs, Grissom and Brass.) (Tires screech as a car turns into the parking lot and stops in front of them.) (Undersheriff Jeff McKeen exits the car. Brass turns to the others.) Brass: Incoming. (Grissom instructs the CSIs.) Grissom: I'll talk. You guys just look apologetic. (Nick takes his sunglasses off and tucks them in his pocket. Jeff McKeen walks up to them.) Jeff McKeen: All right, let me see if I understand this correctly. You let one of the members of your team drive his personal vehicle to a crime scene investigation; and then, even though there was a perfectly good crime scene vehicle there, that personal car was crammed with every bit of evidence collected at a major murder investigation, because two of you were maxed out on overtime. And then the driver, of said car, instead of securing that evidence in the lab, gave priority to his need for runny eggs and the aforementioned vehicle was stolen from a parking lot filled with police cars. Is there anything I missed? Grissom: Just this: Even if we recover the vehicle, the chain of custody has been broken, so all the evidence has been compromised. (Jeff McKeen removes an antacid from his roll.) Grissom: No judge will allow any of it to be admitted into court. Also, we released the crime scene, so it, too, is compromised, leaving us nothing to go back for. Jeff McKeen: Thank you for clarifying the situation. (He pops the tablet in his mouth, glares at the silent CSIs, turns and heads back to his car.) (Brass shrugs.) Brass: Well, it could've been worse. (The car engine sounds and gas revs as the car takes off, knocking down the line of orange road cones in its wake as it speeds on the main road. Car horns honk,.) Off Nick, we SMASH CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FRANK'S COFFEE SHOP -- PARKING LOT -- DAY] (Nick talks with Brass, who takes notes.) Nick: We were seated at a booth, with clear visual access to the vehicle. A delivery truck pulls up, blocks our view. Brass: For how long? (Sofia walks up to join them.) Nick: Two, three minutes, tops. Brass: What kind of truck? Nick: Bread, dairy ... I can't remember. Brass: Did you have an alarm? Nick: Yeah. Yeah, it didn't go off. (Nick sighs and takes his glasses off.) Brass: Are you sure it was locked? Nick: Yeah, absolutely. And I have a tracking system on my truck, too. I called it in as soon as I realized it was missing. Brass: Okay. I'll follow up. I mean there's about a dozen places to hide a tracking system on a car. I'm sure the Fatellis know 'em all. Sofia Curtis: No broken glass. No bolts from a disengaged transmission. No tire treads or skid marks. (Brass and Sofia turn. They start to leave. Nick stops them.) Nick: Hey, Jim. (Nick glances around.) Nick: I need a ride. (Brass chuckles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY TO BREAKROOM -- DAY] (Grissom heads down the hallway, straight to the break room where Greg, Sara and Nick sit behind the table waiting for him.) Grissom: Internal Affairs Bureau is coming to take our statements. They'll want to know what's been lost. So let's not make ourselves look any worse than we already do. Write down everything -- evidence collected, interview notes, etc ... every detail. No one leaves until they've given their account of the event. (Greg nods. Suddenly rock music sounds as Greg's phone goes off. He scrambles, digs into his pocket and turns the phone off. Once more, silence ensues.) (Grissom turns and leaves the room. Everyone is quiet. Greg exhales.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Grissom is reading through a file folder and walking through the hallway when Catherine finds him.) Catherine: So aside from the accident, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show? Grissom: Not good. Fatelli was handled by the day shift. Let's pull the file. Catherine: And compare it to what? We've got no crime scene photos. Grissom: I have mine, but they're only of the ballroom. But every wedding these days has a videographer. We got to get the video. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (David Phillips looks over Diane Chase with his flashlight. She's dead, her eyes wide open. He puts the flashlight down and checks her teeth. He then checks her hands. He collects scrapings from her under nails.) (He picks up his camera and takes photos of the marks around her ankles.) (He puts the camera down and touches the marks.) INSERT: FLASHBACK [EXT. HOTEL - FRONT DRIVE - DAY] (The car pulls along Diane Chase's body.) RESUME SCENE (David shaves the hair off the back of her head.) INSERT: FLASHBACK [EXT. HOTEL - FRONT DRIVE - DAY] (Diane is dragged along the front drive, the back of her head scraping against the road.) RESUME SCENE (Grissom enters the room.) David Phillips: Oh. Hey, Grissom. I'm sorry to hear about the setback. Grissom: Yeah, well, it's all about the body now, David. David Phillips: There was a vital response in the ligature marks around her ankles. Grissom: So she might have been unconscious, but she was probably still alive when she was tied to the car. David Phillips: Yeah, all the significant trauma was to the back of her head. We'll know more after autopsy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Undersheriff Jeff McKeen walks with Brass through the hallway.) Jeff McKeen: So you tell me how I'm going to spin this thing. I've got a dead lawyer, a known enemy of the department, who made her career picking us apart. And now, we've lost the evidence in her murder. Even I don't buy it. Brass: The Fatellis are on our radar. Jeff McKeen: Press is going to eat us alive. Six-month trial, we finally get Fatelli shipped off to Lompoc. He's not even in the state. How long are his arms? Brass: I talked to the feds. They're checking the call logs, visitors' logs. Jeff McKeen: It's going to look like the CSIs were paid off. Nobody's going to believe that this was an unfortunate series of coincidences. So my choices are: We're idiots, or we're dirty. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (Greg, Sara and Nick are writing their notes down quietly.) Jeff McKeen: (V.O.) So which are we? Greg: It was a big scene. I threw tons of stuff into the back of your truck. Figured I'd just sort it out later. Print lifts, swabs, my camera. Sara: Well, maybe if we talk it out, it will help. I started with the "just married" convertible. Nick: Well, thankfully, that didn't get stolen. Where is it? Sara: Because of possible Fatelli involvement, the undersheriff ordered it swept at the scene before they brought it back to the lab. It could be hours. Greg: Did you get anything from it? Sara: Prints ... FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - SARA'S FLASHBACK] [SARA'S POV] (The entire scene is high definitioned and tinged with a green-ish hue.) (She's standing behind the car - the ribbons with empty beer cans tied to it have been untied from the bumper and are on the driveway. The convertible is just beyond the crime scene tape.) (Camera moves forward toward the body. Sara's kit is open by Diane Chase's bare feet. Sara waits as David Phillips checks the body.) Sara: (V.O.) I remember David saying ... (David turns and looks at Sara as he mouths) Sara's Voice: "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." (Sara looks away and heads over to the arch to the reception area in the gardens.) Sara: (V.O.) So there we were at Cupid's kiss, a nuptial Neverland where the cheese factor was dangerously high and the flowers were ... obviously fake. (Sara reaches the flower-covered arch and takes her sunglasses. She looks at the flowers and notices the plastic bands. Yep. Fake.) (She proceeds through the archway toward the reception gardens.) Sara: (V.O.) Can the love be real when the flowers aren't? (She comes out the other side and notices two female guests walking up to each other and fake-kissing the air in greeting.) (Sara shakes her head.) (As Sara continues walking, she notices Nick talking with two bridesmaids, Mindy and Cindy. She walks past them and hears them speaking gibberish, in fast-forward.) Mindy: Shidigee widias a bidigitch. Cindy: Widigee hidiga tidiged hidiger. BACK TO SCENE: Nick: (without looking up) Oh, you really have a thing about weddings, don't you? Sara: (eyes glued to paper) Hey, I didn't interview them. It was just my impression. FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - SARA'S FLASHBACK] (Back to the reception gardens -- half-filled champagne glasses and laughter. The groomsmen are in a group with some women. One of the groomsmen breaks away from the group. He's holding a beer can, turns and swaggers over to Sara.) (Sara puts the glasses on her head and her kit down as she introduces herself.) Sara: Hi, there. Hi. I'm, uh, Sara Sidle. I'm with the Crime Lab. (He raises his beer can.) Bryce Gundy: Bryce Gundy, groom's side. Sara: Did you guys decorate the wedding car with those beer cans? Bryce Gundy: (drunk) Yep. Sara: Did you drink all the beer first? Bryce Gundy: Yep. Sara: Awesome. Did you also tie the groom's mom to the bumper? Bryce Gundy: Nope. Sara: Good chat. Um, I'm going to need to get your fingerprints so I can compare them to the prints that I got off the car. Bryce Gundy: Cool. (Sara takes out the ink pad.) Sara: You are aware that someone has died? Bryce Gundy: Nobody's going to miss her except her son and her cell phone provider. Sara: Oh, what do you mean? Bryce Gundy: She's creepy close to Adam. Must have called him fifteen times a day. Sara: Huh. Uh, do you mind just putting your finger right here? (He leans forward to put his finger carefully on the ink pad and promptly tips face-forward into Sara. She barely catches him.) Sara: Oh! Okay, Mr. Gundy ... Bryce Gundy: I think I love you. (She pushes him back to his feet.) Sara: Yeah, thank you. You need to sit down. (Bryce turns around and heads back to the group of groomsmen.) Sara: (louder) Have a club soda. (He takes step and falls on his face on the ground. Sara raises her pen with a woman's thong hanging on it.) Sara: Um, um, excuse me, you dropped this. (Mikey Shoemaker grabs the thong and steps in front of Sara.) Mikey Shoemaker: Sorry about him. (He glances behind him at Bryce, out cold on the grass.) Mikey Shoemaker: Why do the jerks get all the tail? Sara: (smiling) Sara Sidle, Crime Lab. (Having touched the thong, Mikey opts not to shake hands with Sara.) Mikey Shoemaker: I'm, uh, Mikey. Best man. Brother of the bride. (He wipes his hand on his vest as he explains why he's not shaking hands with her.) Mikey Shoemaker: Yeah, it's, you know. Sara: Yeah. Mikey Shoemaker: Hey, this is a pretty crazy-ass situation, huh? (Sara shakes her head.) They say it's good luck if it rains on your wedding day. What do you think about a dead body? Sara: What do you think? Mikey Shoemaker: I think my sister's better off. You ever think about getting married? Sara: (shakes her head) Um ... Mikey Shoemaker: I'm just saying, you know, I think Bryce could make an honest woman out of you. (He turns back to look at Bryce - still out cold on the grass. The other groomsmen are taking pictures of him. Who knows what they've done to him.) Mikey Shoemaker: Oh, look at that -- your rejection broke his little heart. (Sara laughs.) Nick: (interrupts, v.o.) Should I put flirting in the case file? BACK TO SCENE Sara: I was printing. He was flirting. (Right.) Nick: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine is going through the things in the box when Sofia Curtis walks in.) Sofia Curtis: Uni found the tracking device from Nick's car in a trashcan, a couple blocks from the diner. Pro job. Catherine: Has it been to prints? Sofia Curtis: Well, no. But if it was the Fatellis, it's going to be clean. Catherine: Yeah. Nick's truck has no street value. The value was what was inside. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (Greg, Sara and Nick are still working on their statements. The room is quiet. Nick puts his pen down and sticks his hand in his jacket pocket. He pulls out a napkin, somewhat confused as to how it got there.) (He opens the cocktail napkin and we see in gold lettering, ADAM AND JILL April 22, 2006 (Just below it is a pink lipstick kiss. And just below that is: MINDY (Nick stares at the napkin. Greg notices him.) Greg: Did you get a number? Nick: No. No, I didn't get anything. She must have put it in my pocket. Mindy. (Sara smiles smugly at him.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - NICK'S FLASHBACK] (David kneels down next to the body, seemingly looking at Nick. He looks at Nick and mouths: Nick's Voice: You think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day. (Nick walks past David and heads over to the garden arch. He walks through it, raises his hand and touches the flowers.) Nick: (V.O.) The perfume of American beauties was everywhere. Though a rose by any other name would have smelled just as sweet on a day with that much love in the air. (As he walks by, he notices a cream-colored rose. He snaps it off the stem and smells it as he exits the garden arch.) (The guests step aside, making a clear pathway for him down the aisle.) WHITE FLASH TO: (Nick walks up to Mindy and Cindy.) Nick: Ladies, hi, how you doing? Mindy/Cindy: Hi. (He puts his kit down.) Nick: I'm with the Crime Lab. My name's Nick Stokes. I'm going to need to print you both, okay? (Mindy rubs her arms.) Mindy Faberge: Mindy Faberge. Bride's side. Um, can we go in and change. I can't get warm. Cindy Jansen: Cindy Jansen. I think she's still in shock. Nick: You were in the wedding party. Did you spend most of the day here with Ms. Chase? (Nick unzips his jacket and removes it.) Cindy Jansen: She was on her best behavior. (frowns) Outside that toast she gave. (He hands his jacket to Mindy.) Nick: There you go. Mindy Faberge: Thank you. (Mindy puts the jacket on.) Mindy Faberge: Um, well, I think that was the alcohol talking. Nick: So, she was a drinker? Mindy Faberge: By the end of the toast, she was slurring her words and swaying all over the place. I almost felt bad for her. FLASH TO: [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY] (Catherine walks in carrying a DVD case.) Catherine: Anyone interested in the wedding DVD? Greg/Nick: (both) Yeah. (Catherine kneels in front of the television set.) Catherine: Courtesy of Frank Rosetti, owner of Cupid's Kiss. (Catherine puts the DVD in and turns the television set on. She steps back to take a seat at the table.) Catherine: All right, where do you want to start? Sara/Nick/Greg: (all) The toast. (Catherine goes to CHAPTER 7 on the MENU and plays.) INSERT: VIDEO RECORDING [INT. HOTEL -- BALLROOM - DAY] (Someone taps the side of the champagne glass to quiet the room.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) Everyone ... everyone. (Diane gets to her feet. She's sitting at the head table right next to the groom.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) I want to thank your for coming. (She reads from a slip of paper.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) You know, the bible says, "Love is strong as death," and as mother of the groom, a wedding is bittersweet. You are giving up as much as you are gaining. (Diane takes a breath, pauses and sways. She braces her hand on the table to steady herself.) Diane Chase: In some cases you are giving up ... (She accidentally tosses the slip of paper across the table. It falls to the floor. The bride and the groom appear surprised.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) Oh ... up much more. Oh. (Diane leans forward and looks at the slip of paper on the floor. She sways and pauses. Very awkward pause. Camera cuts to the bridesmaids at their table.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) (slurs) To hell with it. I'll wing it. (She straightens and braces herself to start again. She turns and smiles at her son.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) My Adam ... he studied at Oxford. He went to Harvard School of Business. And of all the intelligent, wonderful, beautiful women he met along the way, he ended up with Jill. (The room is silent. Jill sits up.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) Plain, little Jill. (The crowd gasps. Greg turns and looks at Sara, whose jaw has dropped open.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) There's nothing wrong with her. But what's right with her? (Catherine can't believe what she's watching.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) (chuckles) I mean, even her name is boring. (Jill punches Adam in the arm to get him to stop her. She puts her face in her hand. Camera pans the wedding party to show their grim, embarrassed looks.) (Diane turns and talks to Adam.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) (to Adam) Adam, it's all right to take a lover. You just don't have to end up marrying her. (Adam stands up to stop her.) I mean, do you really want to shallow our gene pool like this? (Adam pulls his mom aside.) Adam Chase: C'mon. C'mon. That's all Diane Chase: Oh ... (She turns back to the crowd.) Diane Chase: (slurs) Oh, I want to thank you all so much for coming. Oh, I love you, Adam. Mikey Shoemaker: Hey, hey, good comedy, Diane ... (Greg, Nick, Sara and Catherine are stunned. Catherine clears her throat. Someone's got to say it.) Catherine: Justifiable homicide? (Off Sara, trying not to laugh, we: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (Sara, Nick, Greg and Catherine show the DVD to Grissom.) Diane Chase: (from dvd) Thank you all for coming. I love you, Adam. (Sara turns the DVD off.) Sara: (to Grissom) You talked to the bride. This seems like motive. Do you think she did it? Grissom: When would she have had the time? FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - GRISSOM'S FLASHBACK] (David is kneeling down next to the body. He turns and looks at Grissom.) Grissom's Voice: You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day. (Grissom heads for the arch.) Grissom: (V.O.) Spring is but a song, where love and laughter are not wrong. The blossoms of desire do belong, and harmonia axyridis fly along. (Grissom pushes his sunglass down as he enters the arch. He notices the ladybug on the rose.) (CAMERA ZOOMS IN for an extreme close-up on the ladybug It also SLOWS DOWN and lingers excruciatingly on the ladybug as she lifts her shell and spreads her wings - the image moves so slowly it almost seems frozen. The detail on the bug is mind-bending. He can't help himself. Grissom notices these things.) RESUME VIEW (Grissom puts his sunglasses on and continues through the archway.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Grissom talks with Jill Shoemaker-Chase, the bride. The camera irritatingly notices the details - her earring, her smudged make-up, the tear on her face.) Jill: For the past six months, she made my life hell. And so I told anyone who'd listen that she should die a fiery death. So now everyone's going to think that I killed her. Grissom: Would like to be more specific? (It's as if Grissom can't keep focus. He notices the man in the tux talking with the officer in the distance behind Jill. The tear on her face, her earring, her necklace.) Jill Shoemaker: Okay, well, when we got engaged, she ran into the backyard and she screamed, "Why, God? Why me?" Okay, she wore white today. She invited Adam's very, very attractive, very, um, single ex-girlfriend. When she found out that I had registered for sporting goods, she went behind my back and she changed the registry to housewares, saying that I'd better learn how to cook, okay? I'm a vegetarian, and she demanded roast beef. Um ... oh, and then ... then there's the toast. The ... the toast. Grissom: Are you trying to make me think that you didn't kill her? Jill Shoemaker: I would never do that to Adam. I honestly don't know how such an amazing man came from-from ... that. Look, it wasn't just me, okay? She fought with everyone today. She fought with the valets and the bridesmaids and the waiters. The caterer -- I thought for sure he was going to poison her. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY - STILL GRISSOM'S FLASHBACK] (Grissom talks with Frank Rosetti, the Caterer. He motions Grissom inside the kitchen.) Frank Rosetti: Want to see a crime scene? I'll show you a crime scene. Come here. Come here. Look at this, huh? (He shows Grissom the wedding cake with a rolling pin smashed in it.) Frank Rosetti: What this woman had against the color peach -- I've never seen anything like it. "If you think you're serving that flesh-colored abomination, and I'm paying for it, you can think again!" Boom! I'm a 42-year-old paisan. She scared me. I wouldn't be surprised if her pantyhose rebelled against her and tied themselves to the car. The dame was a pill. I swear to God, she may have taken two or three years off my own life. Weddings are a blood, sweat and tears marathon, my friend. I'm on a tight schedule. 12:00 noon, I got first intro of the couple. 12:30, salad course. 12:45, first dance. One o'clock: chair dance, chicken dance, groom dance, I don't care. I'm equal opportunity. 1:30, main course. 2:15, first toast groom's side. If the best man shuts his mouth, at 2:16 we have the first toast on the bride's side. 3:00, we cut the cake. 3:30, bouquet toss. Grissom: That's a tight schedule. She would have barely had time to go to the bathroom. Frank Rosetti: I don't sell bridal diapers for nothing. BACK TO SCENE: Greg: He was kidding about the diapers, right? (Grissom doesn't bother answering.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Sofia Curtis interviews Sylvano Fatelli.) Sylvano Fatelli: You're way too pretty to be a cop. Sofia Curtis: I need to ask you about your brother, Dino Fatelli. Dino always was the bad seed. Sofia Curtis: I heard you guys share the taste for blood. Sylvano Fatelli: I once was lost, but now I am found. Sofia Curtis: You and your brother keep in touch? Sylvano Fatelli: Yeah, yeah. Last thing he said was he didn't like the food at Lompoc. I told him to call his lawyer. (shrugs) It's too late now. Sofia Curtis: Where were you yesterday afternoon? Sylvano Fatelli: You want to crawl up my ass? You can take a number. [INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS] (Federal Agent and Jeff McKeen watch the interview from the observation room.) Sofia Curtis: (through speaker) No thanks. Sylvano Fatelli: (through speaker) 50-to-one, Freddie the Feddy is out there right now talking to you guys. Jeff McKeen: Did you know you were made? Federal Agent: Yeah. Not even Diane Chase could keep these guys out of jail. And we figure it's just a matter of time before we get something on Sylvano. Jeff McKeen: Like another murder? Federal Agent: Sorry. He didn't kill the lawyer. Runs numbers out of his bar all day. Trying to pass a kidney stone. Hates his wife and his girlfriend. I hear everything. Jeff McKeen: Could have ordered one of his guys to do it. Federal Agent: The brothers like to be hands-on. And all we're hearing is them bitching about how somebody snatched their MO ... as if it's copyrighted. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Robbins goes over his findings with Greg.) Robbins: Based on my dissection, I've detected two separate events. (He points to one of the puncture wounds in the skull.) Robbins: I believe that this puncture wound happened first. INSERT: CGI EFX (Camera zooms inside the puncture in the skull and punctures an artery, blood squirts out.) Robbins: (V.O.) The object lacerated a cerebral artery, creating a subdural hematoma. (Camera zooms back out, blood quickly filling the puncture wound.) RESUME SCENE Robbins: Then subsequent blows to her skull, from a ride behind the car, created additional fractures, which caused a few bleeding on the brain, resulting in her death. Greg: So punctured and bobbled? Robbins: Yeah. I autopsied the Fatellis' original victim. They're sadists. (Greg flips through the autopsy photos. He stops on a particular photo of the wound.) Robbins: First Remy James is dragged behind the Cadillac, and when he wouldn't talk, they shot him in every joint. And when he still wouldn't talk, they finished him off with a shot to the head. The Fatellis don't mostly kill someone. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Catherine and Nick are moving through the hallway.) Catherine: So you took the perimeter of the scene, right? Nick: Yeah. Catherine: Well, I saw this guy in the shadows. Archie blew it up. He looks more like a suspect than a guest. (They enter the A/V lab, where Catherine has the equipment set up. She points to the monitor.) Catherine: That face look familiar? (On screen, there's a man peering through the window and smiling.) Nick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I caught that guy trying to sleep one off in the bushes. That's the groom's old man. Catherine: Wow, I thought my wedding was bad. Where is he? Nick: I sent him to detox, in the tank. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Ernest Chase fiddles with the cotton ball under the bandaid on his inner arm near his elbow. It appears they drew blood from him. Brass interviews Ernest Chase.) Brass: See, that's the problem with being a deadbeat dad. If you're not around for the bad times, they don't want you around for the good times. Ernest Chase: I didn't ... I'm not ... Brass: Let's just cut right through the lie-and-deny part of the chat, and I'll tell you what I know. WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - BRASS'S FLASHBACK] (Brass talks with Adam Chase.) Adam Chase: My mother was a powerful woman; she had a lot of enemies. My mother and Jill worked so hard to make this day perfect. It seems silly now. They had a fight about the gifts, then ... then there was a disagreement with the bridesmaids. And my mother accidentally brought the wrong dress. (Behind Adam, Brass notices the waiter drinking from the champagne glass.) Adam Chase: Then the dinner was wrong, and the cake was wrong. And my father showed up. Brass: What, he wasn't invited? Adam Chase: Um, no. My parents are divorced. I think that's why today was so hard on her. The wedding brought up a lot of issues for her. (Again the waiter finishes up the champagne in the glasses as he collects them.) Adam Chase: She sacrificed so much for me. Single parent, grad school. She was a champion. (Brass nods.) My father is ... unstable. For years, he's had a drug problem. Ernest Chase: (V.O.) She told him that. RESUME TO SCENE Ernest Chase: I don't believe that bitch! Brass: So you do or you don't have a drug problem. Ernest Chase: Don't take everything you see at face value. Fifteen years ago, Diane decided she wanted to go back to work. And I encouraged her. But then she became ... driven. And I was slowing her down. She got nasty. I got depressed. I started taking antidepressants. She was mortified. Said it wouldn't look good. I said, "Hey, I'm not one of your clients. I'm your husband." "Not anymore," she said. She filed for divorce. And she said it was because the drugs affected my libido. We hadn't had s*x for eight months before I started taking the drugs. Brass: Did you have an altercation with her at the wedding? Ernest Chase: Yeah. Yeah. Because of the meds, I don't drink very much. I did today because I thought it would take the edge off. It put the edge on. FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - ERNEST'S FLASHBACK] (Diane stands at the front of the aisle greeting guests as they enter to take their seats.) Diane Chase: Good to see you. Hi. How are you? It's great to see you ... (Ernest tries to sneak past, but she sees him.) Ernest Chase: Excuse me. Diane Chase: Excuse me. (Diane grabs Ernest and walks him back out, away from the seats.) Diane Chase: You were not invited. Ernest Chase: I read the papers, Diane. Diane Chase: They teach literacy at the halfway house? Ernest Chase: I didn't come here to fight. Diane Chase: You're not here at all. Ernest Chase: He's my son, too. Diane Chase: I wouldn't be so sure of that. RESUME SCENE: (Ernest continues his story.) Ernest Chase: I stuck around to see the ceremony. I even saw a little bit of the reception. I was sleeping it off when your guys found me. Brass: So you didn't kill her? Ernest Chase: No. But you better check to see if she's really dead, because I don't think you can kill the devil. (Brass can't help but chuckle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Henry Andrews reports to Nick and Sara.) Henry Andrews: Nick, you drew Mr. Chase's blood at the scene. His BAC was .28. That was at 4:00 P.M. And officers drew it again at the station an hour later. It was .22. So he was in the elimination phase. That means, when the victim was tied to the car, his blood alcohol level was even higher. Mr. Chase was blotto. He couldn't have tied his own shoes. Sara: Assuming whoever took your truck is the killer, Mr. Chase was in the tank. He couldn't have done it. Nick: One suspect down. Henry Andrews: Speaking of downers, Ms. Chase liked her diazepam. Blood levels were somewhere between therapeutic and toxic. Nick: That's ... that's weird. Her ex-husband told Brass she was very anti-psychopharmaceuticals. Henry Andrews: As a toxicology tech, I'd say often those who adamantly oppose the d-train are its most frequent passengers. But, since she is deceased, I was able to get her medical records. No diazepam scrip. Sara: So she got daffy on someone else's pills. Nick: That explains Mindy's account of her behavior. And the toast. Sara: Doesn't explain how she was conked out, tied to a bumper. (Greg enters.) Greg: I might know what happened. WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. HOTEL -- FRONT DRIVEWAY - DAY - GREG'S FLASHBACK] (We start where we start: David is kneeling next to the body. The entire flashback is sepia-toned. The blood on the road and on the victim is red, the only color allowed in this flashback.) (David looks at Greg and mouths the words: Greg's Voice: You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day. (Greg heads for the arch. His voice over is something out of a film noir detective movie.) Greg: A dame was dead, but enough about her. The air was hot and heavy with wrong, making me thirsty. Thirsty for a tall drink of water. (Greg notices the tall woman walking in front of him dressed in a tight evening gown.) Greg: That's when I saw her -- a flower -- but not the kind you pin on a lapel. She was long-stemmed. (The woman turns, glancing over her shoulder. Her lips are red, the only color allowed in this flashback.) Sara: (V.O.) All right, Raymond Chandler, we get it. (Greg walks through the reception area toward Valerie Whitehall and Lacy Finn, two bridesmaids sitting on the concrete railing overlooking the misty pond.) Greg: And those weren't just miracle bras. They were creating four wonders of the world. (He approaches them and puts his kit down.) Greg: I'm Greg Sanders, with the Crime Lab. I need to take your prints. (He opens his case. Valerie's and Lacey's lips are red.) Valerie Whitehall: That's quite a case you got there. Is that your magic kit? Lacy Finn: Or your toy box? Greg: You don't seem to be very upset about what happened. Valerie Whitehall: Sweetheart, I've had so many martinis, I'm both shaken and stirred. Greg: Numbing the pain? Lacy Finn: Look, we're not gonna pretend to be all liquid and soft, okay? All that's missing here are the striped socks. Valerie Whitehall: Ding, dong, the witch is dead. Greg: So you're not a fan? Lacy Finn: Cruella made me wear underwear today. No one makes me wear underwear. (As Lacey talks, Valerie reaches into Greg's kit and removes a swab stick.) Valerie Whitehall: I'll do you if you do me. (Lacey opens her mouth and Valerie sticks the swab in her mouth -- Sara: (interrupts) (V.O.) They did not. BACK TO SCENE Nick: (confused) So how does that help explain how Diane Chase died? Greg: I'm getting there. [EXT. HOTEL -- RECEPTION GARDENS - DAY - GREG'S FLASHBACK] Greg: Okay, ladies, let's slow it down. When was the last time you saw Diane? Lacy Finn: In the hospitality suite. I came in to fix my hair. She was complaining of a headache. Next time I saw her, it was bottoms up, mommie dearest. (Valerie hands the swab to Greg.) [INT. HOTEL - HOSPITALITY SUITE- DAY - GREG'S FLASHBACK] (Greg pushes the suite double doors open.) Greg: (V.O.) So I headed behind the pink curtain, where the girls go to get glossy. (He picks up his kit and walks into the suite. Vanity tables are lined up on both sides of the room. He walks over to one of the tables and picks up a blush brush still covered with powder.) (He blows.) (A puff of red-colored dust billows in the air. He puts the brush back down on the table and looks around the room.) Greg: (V.O.) A little shine here, a little pouf there. A little ... (Greg pauses as he picks up a silicone bra cup and curiously looks at it.) Greg: (V.O.) Hmm. Well, I don't exactly know what that was, but I liked the feel. (He puts the silicone bra cup down on the table and continues looking at the room. He notices snowboarding equipment in the back of the room piled with the other gifts and things.) Greg: (V.O.) Marriage was looking like a lucrative endeavor. And that's when I saw it. (He turns and sees a cupid's statue complete with bow and arrow. The arrow, he notices, is stained red with blood.) (He looks down and sees a towel with a couple drops of red blood.) Greg: (V.O.) Just a few drops. (Greg takes out a swab and preps it.) Greg: (V.O.) I figured the blood could have been incidental - a nosebleed, shaving accident. (He tests it. It turns red.) (He takes a second swab and stands up to take a sample of blood from the tip of the statue.) Greg: (V.O.) But, what if, high as a kite on a slipped mickey, ... BACK TO SCENE Greg: ... she slips-- and BAM! - Straight to the back of the skull. The arrow was four-sided. It would leave a diamond-shaped wound. (Greg hands the autopsy photo to Sara. It shows the wound on the back of Diane's head.) Greg: They match. Sara: If the initial wound was accidental, why was she panty-hosed to the back of a car? Greg: Don't know yet. Nick: Narrows the field of suspects down to someone who had access to that suite. (Sara nods.) Nick: Where's the statue? Greg: In your car. Nick: Ah! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Hodges makes his way down the hallway to Grissom's office. Grissom is behind his desk.) Hodges: I know every piece of evidence regarding this case is precious, given the circumstances, so I just wanted to let you know that I've moved Ms. Chase's fingernail scrapings to the top of my extensive queue. Composite substance. You're never going to believe this. Grissom: Egg whites, sugar, butter, milk, food coloring. Hodges: How did you know? Grissom: Butter cream frosting. She had an incident with wedding cake. (Having the punchline stolen from him, Hodges straightens and sighs thoughtfully.) Grissom: Are you done? Hodges: You know, you and me, we're not the marrying kind. The intricacies of our nature can never be understood by just one woman. Grissom: Would you close the door, please? (Hodges goes to the door and closes it. He's still in the office.) Grissom: From the other side. (Hodges turns and leaves the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM] (BLURRY CLOSE-UP of a hand dangling off the benches. The locker room door opens and Catherine enters.) Catherine: Sara? (Sara stirs, her dangling hand moving as she wakens from resting.) Catherine: Sara? Sara: IAB here? (Sara gets up.) Catherine: No. They're still held up with that officer-involved shooting, but the bomb squad has cleared the convertible. Sara: Oh. Finally ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GARAGE] (The blue convertible is parked in the garage.) Sara: (V.O.) ... something to process. (Sara and Greg open the car trunk. They both look inside.) Sara: I thought you said the snowboards were in the suite. Greg: I did. Sara: Then what's the case doing in the trunk? (Sara snaps photos of the snowboard case. Greg reaches out and opens it. Inside are bloodstained towels.) (Sara snaps more photos.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Archie goes over the reception DVD with Catherine.) (Archie speeds through the beginning of the DVD.) Archie Johnson: So you asked me to follow her comings and goings and her food and drink intake. As far as I can tell, she didn't touch her soup or salad. And the main course? (On the monitor, the food is served. Diane looks at her plate, then at Adam's. Adam is busy with Jill and doesn't notice her promptly switching plates with him.) Catherine: And what did Diane have to drink? Archie Johnson: Um ... I only saw her with two glasses, both champagne, first one around 2:00. (On the monitor, Valerie Whitehall brings Diane a fresh glass of champagne.) Archie Johnson: But maybe she was hitting the bar, because look: (He fast forwards through the reception. On screen, Diane Chase is woozy and can barely keep her head up.) Archie Johnson: This is fifteen minutes later. Catherine: Oh, my. Archie Johnson: The waiter gave her a second glass for her toast, which I watched five times. (Catherine chuckles.) Archie Johnson: And that was it. Catherine: When was the last time she was on camera? Archie Johnson: Well, her exit was neither polite nor discreet. (He cues the DVD.) Mikey Shoemaker: You know, I know I may just be a grease monkey, but I drive a tow truck, and I think I know a little something about getting hitched. (Diane Chase stands up and walks over to Valerie Whitehall.) Mikey Shoemaker: (from DVD) And these two ... uh ... there's more. Uh ... I think these guys are in it for the long haul. (re: Diane and Valerie) Making friends over here. No, but seriously, uh ... I don't mean to get all sentimental or anything, but these two are going to have a lot of s*x tonight. (Diane turns and leaves.) Mikey Shoemaker: (from DVD) And ... what? What? Are you embarrassed? She's embarrassed. (Lacey quickly stands up and follows Diane out.) Mikey Shoemaker: (from DVD) I'm her older brother. I changed her diapers. (Archie stops the DVD.) Archie Johnson: That was 2:25. Catherine: Would you play that again? Mikey Shoemaker: (from DVD) I know I may just be a grease monkey, but I drive a tow truck, ... (Quick flashback to: [EXT. FRANK'S COFFEE SHOP PARKING LOT - DAY] A tow truck hitches onto Nick's SUV and pulls it away as the blue truck moves out of view.) Mikey Shoemaker: (V.O.) ... and I think I know a little something about getting hitched. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Catherine is on the phone.) Catherine: (to phone) Yeah, Jim. Check into a Mikey Shoemaker, the bride's brother. Run his wants and warrants. And also look into the location of his tow yard. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Sara and Greg are going through the contents of the bags. Sara pulls out a nightie and holds it up as to her she looks it over.) (Nick walks in.) Nick: So? Sara: We need your hands. (She turns and looks at Nick, the nightie still held up against her.) Nick: (mutters) I thought you'd never ask. Sara: (clarifies) I need you to reprint the bumper because the tape lifts were stolen. (Nick grabs a pair of gloves of the table.) Nick: Anything to keep me awake. (Nick kneels in front of the bumper. Greg finds something. He's holding a prescription bottle.) Greg: Uh-oh! Looks like we had some bride's little helper going on. Diazepam. (The label reads: No. 1337511 Dr. Whitehall JILL SHOEMAKER TAKE AS NEEDED Discard after: _____ DIAZEPAM 10 MG TAB Refills: 0 Greg: Just filled. Rx calls for six ten-milligram pills. (Nick lifts a print off the bumper. Greg shakes the bottle to hear the rattle.) Greg: Two left. Sara: Forty milligrams would match mom's blood level. Greg: Jill gets some pills to calm herself, decides to calm her mother-in-law instead, and make everybody happy. (Wendy Simms walks in.) Wendy Simms: Okay, the blood from the snowboard bag was a match to Mother Chase. Greg: That could have been what they used to transport her from point to point B. Wendy Simms: Yeah, "they" is right, 'cause I also found two female epithelial contributions. One on each handle of the bag, and then one of the same females was also a match to the DNA from the knot in the pantyhose. Greg: We could compare them to the buccal swabs we collected ... if we still had them. Sara: Well, we'll just have to recollect them. Greg: All two hundred of them? Sara: Yeah, and since we can't leave, someone else is gonna have to recollect them. Nick: (snaps) This is crap! I've been waiting on IAB for ... (He pulls his gloves off with a snap.) ... fourteen hours. I'm tired ... (He tosses the gloves aside.) ... and I kind of smell, and I don't have a freaking car. (Nick leaves the garage.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- DAY] (Warrick is tying his shoes when Nick walks in.) Warrick: Hey, buddy. (Nick opens his locker.) Nick: Hey. Warrick: How you doing? You all right? Nick: Hey, this, this sucks, man. I didn't do anything wrong, and everybody's looking at me like I'm the bad guy. (Nick unzips his jacket to change clothes.) (OFF WARRICK. Warrick nods sympathetically and glances at Nick. He does a double take, his eyes serious.) Nick: If I had to do it all over again, I'd do the exact same thing. Warrick: (interrupts) Nick, ... Nick: I mean, how do I ... Warrick: Nick ... Nick: ... fix the situation? Warrick: (louder) Nick! Nick: It was already screwed up to begin with. (Nick turns to Warrick.) What? (Warrick looks at Nick's shirt. Nick looks at Nick's shirt. It's stained with a lot of blood.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Wendy Simms is cutting the shirt off of Nick.) Nick: (thinking out loud) I loaned one of the bridesmaids my jacket. She was wearing black. There was no reason to ALS. Blood must have transferred from her to my jacket, to me. I didn't want to contaminate it by pulling it over my head, you know? Wendy Simms: That was good thinking. (She cuts completely through one side of the shirt and helps take it off Nick.) Nick: All right. Hey, Wendy, ... Wendy Simms: Uh-huh? Nick: I don't know if you'll be able to get anything off of this, but I want you to compare the female epithelials you found on the snowboard bag against the napkin that I have in my right front pocket. (Wendy smiles at Nick.) Nick: Come on. (Wendy removes the cocktail napkin from Nick's front pocket. She opens it and sees the lipstick print, Mindy's name and number.) (She looks at Nick and smiles.) (Nick turns and leaves.) (Wendy laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Catherine and Brass are walking through the hallway on their way to the garage.) Brass: So that was a good call on the bride's brother, Mikey Shoemaker. He had a prior conviction for car theft. Catherine: Where did you find Nick's truck? Brass: In one of the paint bays of his auto body shop, right next to a delivery truck. We're looking for Mikey now. Catherine: Well, I watched the rest of the wedding video. He may have stolen the car, but once Diane disappears, Mikey never leaves the party. [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (They enter the garage just as Nick's truck is brought in.) Brass: Maybe he wasn't acting alone. (to Nick.) Hey, pip. How you like your new ride? (Nick's SUV has been painted over with pictures of dice, hundred dollar bills and a blonde-haired woman in a bikini.) Catherine: Hey, look. They fixed it. Nick: (groans) Oh. Oh, that's not funny. Catherine: Oh, it's a little funny. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Greg measures the size of the wound in the morgue photo to the cupid's arrow tip.) (Sara walks in.) Sara: Where did you get that? Greg: Unis found it in a dumpster behind Mikey Shoemaker's body shop. Sara: He went through all that trouble to steal the car and that's where he ditches it? Greg: Well, they didn't find any biological evidence, and he probably hocked the cameras, but at least I've been reunited with love's deadly arrow. Sara: You know that's not going to stand up in court, right? Greg: Well, negative Nelly, I know that, and you know that, but the suspects might not. We have to convince them that we know what happened. Sara: Do we? Greg: We're close. Can you put the UV filter on the camera? Sara: Sure. (On the table in front of them are the photos and in the center is Diane's bloodied white dress. Sara puts the lens on the camera. Greg turns off the lights to ALS the dress. She looks through the camera lens and sees that there are two hand-sized prints on the front of the dress.) Sara: How did you ... ? Greg: I didn't, until I processed it. But I was thinking this statue punctured her in the back of the head, which means one of three things might have happened. (Sara snaps photos of the dress.) Greg: Either she was stabbed by it ... Sara: Well, the statue looks a little unwieldy. Greg: Or she accidentally fell on it. Sara: But with no one to blame, why wouldn't someone just call 911? Greg: Which leaves us with option number three: She was pushed. (He raises his hands and pushes ... (Quick flashback to: [HOSPITALITY SUITE - DAY] Someone pushes Diane Chase. She falls backward and hits the cupid statue. Her eyes widen from shock. End of flashback.) Sara: Lucky for us someone had something on their hands. Greg: Something that left good ridge detail. Sara: I'll swab it for trace. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (The monitor shows the print results: NAME: LACEY FINN AGE: 23 HEIGHT: 5'2" WEIGHT: 107 LBS EYES: BLUE RACE: CAUCASIAN s*x: FEMALE HAIR: BLONDE DOB: JAN 7, 1983 LAST KNOWN ADDRESS: 1689 DESERT WAY LAS VEGAS, NV 89109 ) (Mandy Webster reports her findings to Greg.) Mandy Webster: Prints are a match to a bridesmaid, Lacey Finn. Greg: She's in the system? Mandy Webster: Yeah, she was a cocktail waitress for a short time. Greg: Of course she was. Mandy Webster: And I pulled the prints off of this pill bottle, but I didn't find a match. Greg: Which means the bride didn't do it because as a nurse, she'd also be in the system. Mandy Webster: Correct. However, I did find something. Look at the prescribing doctor on that label. I was cross-checking with the guest list, and guess who the good doctor's wife is. Mrs. Valerie Whitehall. She's also a bridesmaid. GREG FLASHBACK TO: VALERIE WHITEHALL, sepia-toned and red vampy lips. (Oh, yeah. Her.) BACK TO SCENE Greg: Well, she knew where the pills were. She had access to the suite, so maybe Jill didn't poison mom, Valerie did. Mandy Webster: A little bonus in the bubbly. (Hodges walks in with his results.) Hodges: I got the results from Mama Chase's suit jacket. Greg: What's the trace? Hodges: Hair gel. Greg: Lacey said that she went to fix her hair. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Mikey Shoemaker is in the interview room when Catherine walks in carrying a file folder.) Mikey Shoemaker: Where's that Sara chick? Catherine: Oh, Romeo, I don't think that you have time for romance. You're being charged with grand theft auto, obstruction of justice and conspiracy to murder. (Catherine sits down.) Mikey Shoemaker: Okay, I will cop to everything but the murder. Catherine: Well, if you didn't commit the murder, why did you steal the car? Mikey Shoemaker: Look, the lady was already dead, all right? And then, then you guys show up and this bridesmaid comes up to me and starts asking me all these questions about my tow truck. Catherine: Which bridesmaid? Mikey Shoemaker: The hot one. Next thing I know, she wants to be the Bonnie to my Clyde. Asked me to steal this car and trash all the evidence. Catherine: So you committed grand theft auto to get laid? Mikey Shoemaker: Ever stolen a two-ton piece of machinery? It is way better than s*x. And finding a girl that doesn't want to kick you to the curb for it? I mean, come on. That is just hot. Besides, I hadn't gotten a wedding gift for my sister yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Wendy Simms reports her findings to Nick.) Wendy Simms: So I don't have a match to one of the handles to the snowboard case, but, um, your napkin girl ... Nick: That Mindy Faberge? Wendy Simms: She got to be a bridesmaid. Nick: Yeah. Wendy Simms: She matches the other handle. Nick: Well, she was in the suite with the gifts. She could have touched it then. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (Nick, Sara, and Greg are sitting in the break room when Grissom walks in.) Grissom: You paged? Greg: We think that each of the bridesmaids is responsible for killing her. Not individually, but working in cahoots. Each one played their part. (Grissom sits down.) Grissom: Did you know the original role of the bridesmaid was to act as a human shield against the bride's enemies? Sara: Women would dress similar to the bride in an effort to confuse and outsmart evil spirits that might try to overtake her on her wedding day. Nick: Wow, for somebody who's anti-wedding, you certainly know a lot about it. Sara: I'm not anti-wedding. I'm just anti-stupid -- you know, people who do things for the sake of tradition with no clue as to why. Grissom: Anyway, let's start at the beginning, shall we? (Greg turns the DVD on. On the monitor, we see Valerie getting a drink.) Greg: Valerie kindly gets mom a drink. WHITE FLASH TO: (At the counter, Valerie put the drug in the glass and fills the glass with champagne.) BACK TO SCENE (On the monitor, Valerie turns around and carries the glass back to the table.) Greg: Then during her toast, Diane starts to feel the effects. (On the monitor, Diane sways forward.) Greg: By Mikey's toast, she decides that she's toast. (On the monitor, Diane gets up and walks over to Valerie.) Mikey Shoemaker: (from video) ... A little something about getting hitched. WHITE FLASH TO: (Diane goes up to Valerie.) Diane Chase: (slurs) I know what you did. I'm going to have your husband's medical license, and I'm going to have you put away for attempted murder. (Diane leaves.) Greg: (V.O.) Lacey overhears Diane's paranoid, yet correct ramblings and eventually follows her out. (Lacey stands up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITALITY SUITE -- DAY] (Lacey pushes the doors open and finds Diane sitting inside. Lacey sits down at the vanity table.) Lacy Finn: You okay? Diane Chase: The gall of you to ask me that! You know I'm not okay, you little tart. You're all just as bad as she is. Lacy Finn: Don't get mad. Valerie was just trying to make you feel better. (Diane stands up.) Diane Chase: Oh, by giving me a controlled substance? You are going down for conspiracy! (Angry, Lacey gets to her feet.) Lacy Finn: All right! You know what, lady?! That's enough! (She turns around and pushes Diane. Diane falls backward, hitting the cupid statue.) Greg: (V.O.) Leaving her incapacitated but not dead. (Lacey stands up and hits Diane on the arm to make sure she's not dead.) BACK TO SCENE (On the monitor, Lacey appears back on the monitor. She heads over to the table.) Nick: (V.O.) At which point Lacey tells Mindy and Cindy. FLASH TO: [INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - DAY] (Lacey finds Mindy and Cindy.) Lacy Finn: (quietly) I made a mess in the bridal suite. FLASH TO: [INT. HOSPITALITY SUITE - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] Nick: (V.O.) They formulate a plan. (Mindy and Cindy are in the hotel suite. Mindy pulls Diane's head from off the arrow, we hear the crunch of flesh and bone as the body comes loose. Cindy spreads out the snowboard bag on the floor.) Mindy: Oh, God! Once we get her in there, what are we going to do with her? Cindy: Oh, um, let's make it look like it was, um, Forelli ... Fas- Mindy: Oh, the Fatelli brothers? Cindy: Fatelli brothers! We'll just make it look like they did it. (They set the body down in the snowboard bag.) Mindy: Oh, my God. RESUME SCENE Nick: They tie her to the car, chuck the bag in the trunk, return to the party. FLASH TO: [INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - DAY] (Mindy and Cindy push their way to the front of the group. The women are in the group clamoring as Jill tosses the bouquet over her shoulder.) (Mindy catches the bouquet.) Mindy: Got it, yes! RESUME SCENE (She fast-forwards the DVD.) Sara: And everyone just continues along with the joyous festivities until ... (Sara plays the DVD. The bride and groom are on the convertible leaving and waving to the passing crowd. The crowd's cheers turn to horrified screaming as the body is dragged behind the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A] Mindy Faberge: I'm not a bad person, and we didn't exactly kill her. I mean, I like to think she killed herself because she was ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM B] Cindy Jansen: ... crazy. She did crazy things to our friend. I mean, who hates a pediatric nurse? Granted, we'd all been drinking, but she drove us to it. We did what we had to do. Sisterhood is powerful ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM C] Valerie Whitehall: ... this and powerful that. She was on a total trip. There was no way Jill could endure a life of that. I just ... I wanted to shut her up with the drugs, but that backfired ... leaving us ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM D] Lacy Finn: ... no choice. She was coming at me. I just, I just defended myself. I didn't mean to take her down, but once she was, I ... I felt nothing. There she was just, just staring at me, and all I could think was ... "Thank God." [SCENE_BREAK] [BRASS] (Brass doesn't say a word. He stands up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (Nick is lying on the couch, his head back against the arm rest, his arm thrown over his face. Grissom and Sara are sitting at the table, their backs to the doorway. Greg paces the floor. He turns and sees McKeen and three IAB officers headed their way.) Greg: Grissom? (Grissom looks at Greg, who motions to the door. Grissom turns around.) McKeen: IAB is here. Grissom: Lovely. You should know that while waiting for IAB, we recovered the car and solved the case. (Nick gets to his feet.) Jeff McKeen: Well, this is not a "no harm, no foul" situation. Disciplinary action may still be taken. Grissom: Okay. McKeen: So who wants to go first? (Grissom looks at the CSIs and shrugs.) Grissom: I don't think it matters. I'm sure our stories are all the same.
Plan: A: A wealthy but disagreeable prosecutor; Q: Who is murdered at her son's wedding? A: the CSI; Q: Who is called in to investigate the murder of a wealthy prosecutor? A: the case; Q: What becomes compromised when Nick's car is stolen? A: their investigations; Q: What must the CSIs think back to to find the killer? A: new evidence; Q: What must the CSIs search for to find the killer? Summary: A wealthy but disagreeable prosecutor is murdered at her son's wedding, and the CSI are called in to investigate. However, Nick's car is stolen with all the evidence inside it, and the case becomes compromised. The CSIs must think back to their investigations as well as search for new evidence to find the killer.
"The Truth in the Lye" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Hallway of house. We hear moaning; mattress bouncing. Pan to bed.) BOOTH: [Out of breath] Wow! [Sighs] God, that was- Yeah, that was- REBECCA STINSON, Booth's ex: Amazing. BOOTH: And a huge mistake. REBECCA: Huge. BOOTH: Huge. [Both start to put clothes on] REBECCA: Why do we keep doing this? BOOTH: Well, you know, we don't. I mean, what's it been? Twice in the past year? REBECCA: Three. Four, if you count that stakeout. BOOTH, putting on underwear: Okay, you know what? That wasn't s*x. REBECCA: Maybe not for you. But... this is it. BOOTH: You know what? You're right. But, I mean... it's not like we're doing anything wrong. I mean, you and Drew are- REBECCA: We needed to take a break. To gain...perspective. But, um, this isn't helping. BOOTH: And that's why it's over. [looking at each other] REBECCA: Done. [Cell phone ringing] BOOTH: That's mine. REBECCA: Yeah. [Booth climbs over her, giving us a nice shot of Booth in his tightie-whities.] [climbing over her-] BOOTH: Ow. Oh. Ow! [Booth falls off bed, picking up phone-] [Rebecca begins to make the bed] BOOTH: Booth. Yeah. Address. [picks up paper] Hey, you know, I, uh- REBECCA: Oh, no, no, no. Me too. I have to pick up Parker from school. [Rebecca gets off bed] [Booth stands up, begins dressing-] BOOTH: Oh, you know what? Make sure that you bring him the comic that I got him. He loves that. REBECCA: Yeah, sure. [Booth enters the bathroom, closes the door] [Booth's cell phone, on the bed, rings. Rebecca picks it up, glances toward closed door.] [Opening phone-] REBECCA: Uh- uh- Agent Booth's phone. [Cut to- BRENNAN at the Jeffersonian, at her computer] [Looking shocked, confused-] BRENNAN: Oh, hi. It's Dr. Brennan. Is Agent Booth... available? [Cut to- REBECCA, putting on clothes, looking uncomfortable] REBECCA: Uh, available? Yeah, Dr. Brennan, I- [Booth steps out of bathroom, with no shirt on, looking at Rebecca. Rebecca urgently hands him the phone.] [Cut to BRENNAN-, who still looks confused] BOOTH [on the phone]: Yeah, Bones. What's up? BRENNAN: Nothing, just seeing if you got the call, and if you were swinging by to pick me up or- [Cut to BOOTH, who is putting on his shirt-] BOOTH: Oh yeah. Um, I'm just gonna have to meet you there, okay? [Cut to BRENNAN-] BRENNAN: [fast] Okay, bye. [hangs up the phone] [Cut to BOOTH] [Cut to BRENNAN] [Cut to BOOTH] BOOTH: [to Rebecca] You don't, uh, think she thought- REBECCA: No. No, we have a child together. It's perfectly normal for us to- to be together. BOOTH: Right, uh, it's not like this is ever gonna happen again. [mouth's really close, almost kissing this entire conversation] REBECCA: No. Exactly. Okay, um, are you done with the bathroom? BOOTH: Yeah. REBECCA: Okay, thanks. [she walks off screen] [Cut to- the CRIME SCENE. It's a construction site. There is lots of yelling, and a "You're clear!" as Booth drives in.] [He gets out of the car.] BRENNAN: Sorry if I interrupted anything. [they walk] BOOTH: [obviously lying] What? Oh! No. No, you didn't. BRENNAN: Good. BOOTH: Okay. But if you must know, you know, Rebecca, my ex... she stopped by my place to pick up a comic that I got Parker. BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: She just so happened to pick up the phone. That's it. You know? Nothing more, nothing less. [turning a corner] BRENNAN: I'm sorry. Did I say I must know? [cut to- a condominium under construction. It is all wooden beams.] [They enter an unfinished bathroom] [There is a bathtub, filled with what cannot be described with words. It is a deteriorated corpse floating in a chemical combination of household cleaning products] BOOTH: [off screen] Ooh, very nice. [groans] [Booth puts on a mask] [Brennan, talking into a tape recorder-] BRENNAN: Age and s*x undetermined. [Close up on an arm sticking out of the tub of nastiness.] BRENNAN: Victim is immersed in a pool of- [sniffs] what smells like a composite of domestic corrosives- BOOTH: It smells more like, uh- BRENNAN: -Common drain declogger, acid wash, bleach. Submerged two to three days. BOOTH: [takes off mask, points to tub] All right, are you saying that he's been here all weekend just dissolving? BRENNAN: [circling tub] Allowing the killer time for the corrosives to do their thing. MAN: [off screen] Excuse me. Can I get in here, please? [Booth turns around, revealing-] MAN: Yeah, I'm Pete Valero. I'm the development contractor. BOOTH: Okay. PETE VALERO: [walking into room] Yeah, I came as soon as- [tub bubbles] [Pete turns around, vomiting in the sink] BRENNAN: There could be evidence in there. BOOTH: [gesturing to tub] I'd say most of it's right in there. BRENNAN: I'll need Zack to help me extract the remains and whatever else is beneath the surface. BOOTH: Wouldn't it be a lot easier if we took the whole tub? PETE: No, no, no, wait. That, that tub is a- is a Godive 3000. These things aren't cheap. BOOTH: Oh do you think anybody is actually gonna want this Godive 3000 after this? PETE: Well, would they have to know? [Brennan scoffs] PETE: [defensive] Look, I'm just saying, with subsidized housing the government wants every nickel accounted for. BOOTH: I'll get you a receipt... if you can tell me why the boss of the job is just showing up right now. PETE: [looking at Booth] I was at the dentist. I got a call in the middle of a root canal. Who knew... [looks at tub] I'd be better off there? BOOTH: [points to tub] Do you know who this is? PETE: How would I know? [Brennan has gloves on and is using tongs] PETE: I got over 200 workers on this site alone... not to mention all the kids and the- the vandals coming through here on the weekend. [splash] [Brennan is pulling skin out of the tub using tongs] PETE: [turning away, looking sick again] Oh, my god. BOOTH: Oh, god. Bones! [to Pete] Wait out there. BRENNAN: [holds up the skin with tongs] It's only skin. Okay, I'll need that window, a forklift, and a flatbed. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: You called it. We want answers... [taps tub] the tub is coming with us. [removes what looks like a person's hair with the tongs] [Close up on the tub. It bubbles] [END TEASER] [CREDITS] [COMMERCIAL SET] [ACT ONE] [At the lab with Zack, Angela and Hodgins. The tub is being lowered onto a metal platform] HODGINS: Down. Lower, lower, lower. Keep going, keep goin'. Aand...good! [removing straps from tub] Oh, this is gonna be fun. ZACK: I should get my video camera. ANGELA: I may need a Compazine. (NOTE: Compazine: a drug used to control severe nausea and vomiting) CAM: [walking on screen] They'll be none of that. No fun, no video, no vomit. [close up of tub] Ooh! Then again= BRENNAN: [walking on screen] We have to hurry. Those chemicals are eating away at our victim. [Zack hands Brennan goggles and gloves.] ANGELA: Is there any chance he was... put in there alive? HODGINS: If we find any rope or duct tape on the body, I'd say there's a good chance. CAM: Okay, people. Let's start with the who. We'll worry about the why and the how later. BRENNAN: But if we find the why and the how first, we'll gladly take it. [Cam and Brennan are staring at each other] CAM: Though "who" is clearly the priority. BRENNAN: The who is not going to change. But the clues might if we don't hurry. [Hodgins and Angela look at each other and roll their eyes] CAM: [giving up on Brennan] What's our starting weight, Zack? ZACK: Starting weight is [looks at display] 542.13. BRENNAN: The tub itself weighs about 200 pounds. Capacity is 34 gallons. CAM: Which at about 8.3 pounds a gallon comes to 270. 275. HODGINS: And two-thirds full makes it about 180... putting this guy somewhere in the 160-pound weight class. [Brennan nods] [Cam is stirring the tub, where orange is starting to appear] CAM: The cream always rises. Or in this case, melted body fat. [raises tong, melted body fat drips off] I'll measure its volume to determine body type. HODGINS: [scooping some disintegrated body substance into a beaker] I'll start separating all things chemical from organic. ZACK:[off screen] And I know you requested a strainer of some sort, Dr. Brennan... [he comes on screen, holding a pitchfork] but I thought this could be of use. BRENNAN: For the big pieces, maybe. CAM: After that, old McZacky, get on the horn with the coroner's office and tell them I want two field-unit water sifters sent here ASAP. ZACK: They get mad when I drop your name. CAM: Then drop it twice. [Zack sticks pitchfork into tub] ANGELA: Talk about the proof in the pudding. BRENNAN: Oh, even for me, this is disgusting. ANGELA: [grinning] Was this too much even for Booth? BRENNAN: [giving Angela a look] He's still questioning workers at the site. [turning around] Hopefully, [picks up tray with what looks to be a pile of hair on it] there's enough skull here for a partial reconstruction. [hands the tray to Angela] ANGELA: [looking at the tray] Hmm. I've worked with less. [Using the pitchfork, Zack picks up a long, orange...thing from the tub] ZACK: Right femur's pitted and brittle. [looks at it closely] Marrow's practically gelatinized. BRENNAN: [looking at the bone] Our victim's elderly. CAM: [looking up] Well, that's a bit of a leap. BRENNAN: Well, not really. Zack hold still. [She grabs a paper towel and wipes a part of the bone, revealing something metal] It's a hip replacement. CAM: [peering at the hip replacement] Don't these things usually come engraved with serial numbers? BRENNAN: Uh, not this one. It looks like the chemicals burned those off too. [Zack puts down his plastic face cover. He carefully puts the hip replacement on a tray using the pitchfork.] [Cut to- Booth walks into Cam's lab] BOOTH: Hey, so where is Mr. Tub-O-Lard? [pan to Cam, putting something in a strainer] I figured they'd bring him here. CAM: Lard, I've got plenty of. The rest of him's in the "ookey" room where he belongs. BOOTH: Oh! Wow, so then that nasty yellow goop is- CAM: Fat. 9.3 liters so far. [Zack walks into the lab] ZACK: Oh, good, Booth, I'm sure you'll want to see this too. [Zack is holding a jar of brown goop] BOOTH: What is it? ZACK: Guess. CAM: Maybe not, Zack. ZACK: [excited] It's our victim's wallet. Can you believe it? Leather, cash, cards- every shred of identification, completely emulsified. BOOTH: Mmm, wow. You know what, Zack? I'd like to go back to the old arrangement, where you don't talk to me directly, okay? [Booth pats Zack's shoulder] CAM: [to Zack] Have my water sifters arrived yet? ZACK: Yes, that's how I found the wallet. BOOTH: Okay so the point of this is? CAM: Doing what the wallet can't. Right now, I'd say our victim's an ectomorph. Thin, linear, narrow features. And I hear you're back with your ex. BOOTH: I'm sorry? CAM: Rebecca, right? Reliving old times? [Booth chuckles. Sort of] [Booth glares at Zack[ ZACK: Uh, I'll just keep sifting. BOOTH: Yeah. [Zack leaves] [to Cam] Dr. Brennan told you? CAM: Oh, relax. BOOTH: She did, didn't she? CAM: We all have our weak moments. BOOTH: No. Mm-mmm. We don't, okay? [starts to leave, turns around] I don't. CAM: Please, Seeley. Like we haven't shared enough of them for me to know better. [They look at each other. Cam chuckles. Booth leaves] [Cut to the forensic platform. Brennan is examining something under a microscope. Booth is in the background sitting on a chair] BRENNAN: I was not gossiping. BOOTH: Ooh, really? So then what would you call it? BRENNAN: Merely sharing a point of interest. BOOTH: Great. So now what am I, huh? [Booth gets up and starts to walk toward Brennan] The world's largest ball of string? BOOTH: Not you, your behavior. [Brennan lifts her head up from the microscope and turns around] It was a textbook example of just how helpless we higher primates can be to our biological urges. BOOTH: I am not helpless. [Brennan sighs and turns back to the microscope[ BRENNAN: He's not elderly. BOOTH: I can control my, uh- Who? BRENNAN: Our victim. You see these marrow cells? The lack of collagen indicates osteogenesis imperfecta. Brittle bone disease. BOOTH: And that's supposed to tell me he's not...old? BRENNAN: Not necessarily. And if you're not helpless, then why did you sleep with her? BOOTH: Oh, I really don't recall saying that I did. BRENNAN: You didn't have to. I could hear it in your voice. I might as well as walked in on you having s*x. BOOTH: [scoffing] You didn't and we weren't. [starts walking away] BRENNAN: Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Booth. [Booth turns around, fake smiling] Humans act upon a hierarchy of needs, and s*x is very highly ranked. It's an anthropological inevitability. BOOTH: Thank you, Bones. I really appreciate you boiling me down to your anthropological inevitabilities. BRENNAN: Sure. BOOTH: Anytime. BRENNAN: You know, if our victim had brittle bone, there could be a web site of some kind. He might have been listed. [cut to- The Angelator. Brennan and Booth are standing next to Angela, who is seated next to her computer. ANGELA: Afraid not, honey. There's no official database. But I did track down eight cases of brittle bone in the area. BOOTH: How many of them are adult male? ANGELA: Give me a second. [types] [Brennan glances at Booth. She looks away. Booth glances at Brennan. Angela notices] ANGELA: What's wrong? BRENNAN: With what? ANGELA: This is usually where I type and you talk. You two are never not talking. BRENNAN: Well, we're not not talking. BOOTH: Or maybe we're not not...not. ANGELA: [grinning] Okeydoke. Number of adult males with brittle bone in the metropolitan area is...zero- same with adult females. These are all kids. BOOTH: Why is that? High mortality rate? BRENNAN: No. When O.I. is fatal, it's mainly to infants. And only in severe cases. BOOTH: So our guy has a mild case. BRENNAN: Type 1. Near normal stature, fragile bones and joints, off-white sclera. [Angela looks thoughtful. She looks at the computer.] ANGELA: Is this disease hereditary? BRENNAN: Mild cases can be. The more severe forms, types 2 and 3, are often the result of a genetic mutation. ANGELA: But if our guy is type 1 and these kids got it passed on from a parent- BOOTH: Then all we have to do is contact these kids' families and find out which one is missing a dad. \ ANGELA: Well, let me print you the list. BOOTH: Print two. We'll split up. [Brennan looks at Booth then looks away with her jaw clenched] ANGELA: Hmm. [cut to- Brennan is holding a card, the print out from Angela, and ringing the doorbell to a house. A woman opens the door] BRENNAN: Mrs. Seaver? MRS. SEAVER: Yes? BRENNAN: I'm Dr. Brennan with the Jeffersonian Institute working in collaboration with the F.B.I. MRS. SEAVER: The F.B.I.? Is this to do with Larry? BRENNAN: That would be your husband, Lawrence Seaver? Raymond's father? MRS. SEAVER: He hasn't answered his cell phone in days. I've left so many messages. Please come in. [Brennan walks in] WOMAN ON TV: Meerkats form- MRS. SEAVER: Ray, honey. We have company. [There is a boy sitting on a couch] RAY: Who's she? Did they find Daddy? BRENNAN: My name is Temperance, Ray. And I'm just here to ask a few questions. [Brennan picks up a framed picture of the family- Larry, Ray, and Mrs. Seaver] BRENNAN: You're husband's been missing since- MRS. SEAVER: Thursday. We didn't think of him as missing. He just left on his business trip like he does every week. But he never fails to at least call us back. [pan to- Ray's arm. It's in a white cast with lots of signatures on it.] BRENNAN: That must've hurt. RAY: Not so much. I'm used to it. MRS. SEAVER: Ray has brittle bone. It's just a mild form, though, like Larry's. BRENNAN: [to Ray] You think I could sign your cast? RAY: [smiling] Sure, I'll get a pen. [Ray walks off] BRENNAN: [still holding the picture frame] Mrs. Seaver, I need to borrow this photo. MRS. SEAVER: Okay. Why? BRENNAN: Well, we found a body. MRS. SEAVER: [starting to cry] Oh, god. [cut to- Brennan and Angela are observing the top of a skull in the Angelator. Brennan is holding the framed photo] ANGELA: Sorry I couldn't do more. [she presses some things on her notepad PC] Skullcap was falling apart faster than I could put a face on it. BRENNAN: I'm not sure we'd have a match either way with so little to work with. [Booth walks in] BOOTH: Okay, here we go. Got our guy. [he is holding a framed photo] BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Mother and her daughter up in Maryland. Dad missing since Thursday. [he holds up the photo for Brennan to see] [Brennan holds up her photo with wide eyes] BOOTH: Who's that? BRENNAN: Mother and son down in Virginia. Father missing since Thursday. [Booth takes the two photos. We zoom in on the two pictures. Seeing that the same man is in both pictures, with two different families.] BOOTH: Whoa. Mine's Lawrence Turner, 35, commercial electrician. ANGELA: Oh- BRENNAN: And I've got Lawrence Seaver, 35. ANGELA: my- BRENNAN: Commercial electrician. ANGELA: God. BOOTH: I think old Larry's got two wives. BRENNAN: More like two lives. [END OF ACT ONE] [commercial set] [ACT TWO] [Booth's office. The woman from Booth's picture is sitting in a chair talking on the phone as Booth walks in with a glass of water. Booth sits in the chair on the other side of the desk] WOMAN: [Into phone] Just make sure Jenny takes her meds. And tell her Mommy will see her in the morning. Thanks Betty. [Brennan enters as woman hangs up phone] BRENNAN: How old's your daughter? [Brennan sits down in a chair besides the woman] WOMAN: Six and a half. She and Larry, they have a special bond. BRENNAN: Brittle bone. WOMAN: You know about that? BRENNAN: She's type 1 like your husband? WOMAN: [nodding] He's always felt so guilty about that. He really dotes on her, on both of us. BOOTH: Mrs. Turner, your husband ever talk about any conflicts at work? MRS. TURNER: Never. Everyone loves Larry. He's fun, smart, hardworking. That's what keeps him out of town so much. [Booth and Brennan share a look] BOOTH: [Uncomfortable, kind of guiltily] Yeah, about that- I didn't realize electricians were called upon to be away from home so much. MRS. TURNER: There's just so much underbidding. And it's not like we can get by on what I make. BOOTH: As? MRS. TURNER: I teach. Eighth-grade science. BOOTH: Got it. MRS. TURNER: So he has to travel. [pan to Brennan, who gives Booth a look like 'get on with it'] Go where the money is. Not that he ever complains. [Brennan clears her throat and give Booth a look] It makes coming home to us all the more sweeter, he says. [tearing up] Oh, god! What are we gonna do? BOOTH: Will you just excuse me for one moment. I'm so sorry. [Gives Brennan a look and gets up from chair] [outside in the hall] BRENNAN: These women have to know the truth about their husbands. BOOTH: They could be in cahoots. BRENNAN: Cahoots? BOOTH: If they somehow found out that Larry was two-timing them, they could both want him dead. BRENNAN: Okay, so what now? We ask them? BOOTH: No, no, no, no, no. [smoothly] It's all taken care of. [Booth walks back into the office] BOOTH: Mrs. Turner, could you please come with me? [leading her out of the office] Right this way. Just wait here in the visitors' lounge. We won't be long. Help yourself to a cup of coffee. MRS. TURNER: Thank you. [she goes into a room] BRENNAN: [walking with Booth] That's the interrogation room. BOOTH: Not tonight. [They walk into the viewing room and watch Mrs. Turner through the glass. She is preparing a cup of coffee. There are couches and lamps] BOOTH: Hmm, nice touch with the kitty posters. BRENNAN: Who are you talking to? BOOTH: That couple in there. [Booth looks to a man and woman sitting next to each other on a couch] Agent Curry and Moran. They set up the room. BRENNAN: I'll never drink FBI coffee again. [a phone beeps, Booth picks it up] BOOTH: [into phone] Whenever you're ready, Charlie. [he hangs up the phone] BOOTH: You know, I almost married her, you know. BRENNAN: Agent Curry? BOOTH: Rebecca. My ex. BRENNAN: Oh. You can talk about her now. BOOTH: Yeah, she got pregnant. I wanted to do the right thing, but, you know, she said no. BRENNAN: You've told me this before. Not that you've ever said why. BOOTH: Well, issues with my job. She wanted to start her own career. She wanted to finish graduate school. BRENNAN: [skeptical] Alone with a baby? BOOTH: Logic. Right? You're applying logic? BRENNAN: Do you still love her? BOOTH: Not...like I did. Not like that. BRENNAN: Then why can't it just be s*x? BOOTH: There's nothing "just" about s*x, Bones. BRENNAN: But all mammals need it. That release of serotonin. The rush of endorphins. Naturally, you seek it with someone with whom you share a sexual rapport. BOOTH: Rapport, right. That's the word. BRENNAN: I know when I'm in need of a release..there's a former partner or two I'm...sure I could call. BOOTH: Okay, Bones. Thanks so much. I feel so much better now, huh? [looking back towards window. An agent is walking in with Mrs. Seaver] Here we go. AGENT: [over speaker] Help yourself to coffee, Mrs. Seaver. [Mrs. Seaver sits down on a couch across from Mrs. Turner] BRENNAN: Oh, I get it. Very smart. BOOTH: Well, it's my job, Bones. It's, you know, what I do for a living. BRENNAN: [looking at Mrs. Seaver and Mrs. Turner] They don't seem like- wait. [Mrs. Turner is getting up at walking towards Mrs. Seaver. She hands her a tissue, and sits back down] BOOTH: Hmm, they may as well be in separate rooms. BRENNAN: Making them either great actresses who are in cahoots- BOOTH: Or...they have no idea what's going on. [cut to- the lab. Angela walks up to Cam, who is examining bones on her table] ANGELA: How could these women not know? CAM: Brennan was pretty sure that they didn't. And still don't apparently. Booth wants to wait to tell them. ANGELA: Wait for what? To summon the nerve? CAM: Maybe. I just wouldn't want these women finding out at the funeral. ANGELA: I'll take a front row seat for that. [Cam looks at Angela incredulously] Sorry. Did I say that out loud? CAM: [to Zack, at a table close to Cam] Have you found anything resembling a weapon in the tub yet? ZACK: Not yet. Why? CAM: [looking at a close up on her computer] These skull fragments may feel like wet cardboard, but I'm pretty sure we're looking at blunt force trauma. ZACK: [looking at the close up] I'll second that. Roughly "V" shaped. ANGELA: Corner of a 2-by-4, maybe? CAM: Specks of blood at the point of impact. Could've been the lethal blow. ANGELA: Making him dead before he was doused with lye. Oh, happy day. HODGINS: [entering] I've isolated our corrosive culprits. [putting on gloves] Sodium hypochlorite, calcium hypochlorite, and hydrochloric acid. CAM: Available at your local market. ANGELA: Lucky the whole tub didn't explode. ZACK: [walking over] It practically did. Along with teeth, I keep finding these tiny shards of copper from the fixtures. [he hands Cam a dish with the shards] HODGINS: Is that what this is? [using forceps, he holds up a ring] ZACK: No. That would would be a wedding band. HODGINS: Braided gold and platinum. Preserved by true love, no doubt. ANGELA: One metal for each desperate housewife. CAM: People, can we at least fake some sense of decorum. ANGELA: I can't help it. It's so Jerry Springer. First of all, how does anyone juggle two spouses? HODGINS: I can think of ways. Of course, by juggles, I mean quite literally- CAM: I have a scalpel. ANGELA: Maybe he dissolved himself so there'd be more of him to go around. [Cam gives her a look] I'm going to hell, aren't I? HODGINS: I'll save you a seat. [Angela grins. Cam looks at the two of them.] [cut to- the construction developer's building. Booth is speaking with the secretary, CHLOE DANIELS, at her desk] CHLOE DANIELS: Oh, no. Not sweet Mr. Seaver! It can't be him! BOOTH: Yeah. Well, um, is that your boss in there? [looking into a room behind Chloe] CHLOE: [ignoring Booth] I mean, who would do something like that? Everybody loves the man. [MR. VALERO, the contractor from the construction site, looks up and sees Booth.] BOOTH: Well, you know, not everyone. VALERO: [to Chloe] Hey, what's goin' on? CHLOE: Mr. Valero, you won't believe it. BOOTH: [to Valero] Agent Booth. We met yesterday. CHLOE: It was Mr. Seaver. That's who was in the bathtub. VALERO: Wait, Larry? The electrician? BOOTH: Yeah. Larry the electrician. Now- VALERO: Son of a bitch! Now I'm never gonna see my money. [Booth looks at him, surprised by what he just said. He and Chloe look at each other.] [cut to- another room at the office, only Booth and Valero are present] BOOTH: You know, I must say, uh, Pete, you're the first person I've come across who's ever had a bad word to say about Larry. VALERO: Well, the guy does have a way with people. Or, he did. I mean, I liked him too before he got all slippery. BOOTH: Slippery. VALERO: I fronted the guy 85 grand to cover electrical supplies. Last week, I got the inspector walking around, and she cites me for cheap materials. Substandard circuit breakers, insufficient G.F.I.'s. BOOTH: Where'd the 85 grand go? VALERO: Exactly what I asked Larry. "Show me receipts," I said. [sitting down with his legs up on the table] What do I get? Sob stories of bad bookkeeping, his son's health, problems with the wife. BOOTH: His wife? VALERO: Yeah. Like I don't got a wife of my own, right? [chuckles] BOOTH: [sitting down opposite Valero] You know, you realize, Pete, that everything you're telling me sounds a lot like motive. VALERO: [scoffs] Great. Do I need a lawyer? BOOTH: I don't know. You tell me. VALERO: All right, look. I can't say that I wasn't angry enough to want the guy dead. But like always, I fell back on the old builders' code. BOOTH: [quoting] "Can't squeeze money from the dead man"? VALERO: [surprised] You know it. BOOTH: Well, you know, as codes go, it's hardly limited to builders. VALERO: No, no, no. It's our code. You can look it up. BOOTH: No, no. Maybe later. Hey you wouldn't happen to have any of Larry's old paperwork on file? Accounts, receipts..? VALERO: Yeah, yeah. Sure. [he gets up] [SCENE_BREAK] [cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay] ZACK: [walking in] I think I've stumbled upon an anomaly, Dr. Saroyan. [he holds up a small item] CAM: [taking the item] It looks like a splintered ulna bone. ZACK: But it's not. It's ivory. CAM: From the tusk of a small elephant? ZACK: I was hoping you'd know. If you notice these indentations here. CAM: Like teeth marks on a pencil. See what Angela can make of it. [hands it to Zack] And after that, I'll need you to go back to the crime scene with the photos I'm taking. See what you can find with the approximate shape and dimension of this blunt force wound. ZACK: Like a murder weapon? CAM: It needn't look like on. [pointing to the computer] Anything that replicates this pattern. [Zack walks away as Hodgins enters] ZACK: [to Hodgins in passing] I'm going on police business. HODGINS: So proud. [to Cam] Wait, does he mean out? In the world? CAM: We'll pin our phone number on his shirt. What's that you got there? HODGINS: Well, having finally hit the very bottom of the tub, I found it plugged with a ceramic stopper, which I lifted and viola. [Cam takes from his hand a short tubular item] What do you make of this? [Cam examines it] [Cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office] [Brennan is on the couch, reading something] BOOTH: [walking in] Bones [laughs] are you ready for this? BRENNAN: Did you tell the wives yet? BOOTH: No, not yet. [Brennan shakes her head] But I did some checking into two-time Larry's finances. Under the last name Seaver, he's got a half-a-million-dollar life insurance policy. BRENNAN: Assigning motive to Gayle Seaver. BOOTH: However, under the last name Turner he's got a living will leaving everything to Lila and their daughter. BRENNAN: Giving both women motive. BOOTH: Right. Which is just a matter of which one needed the money more than they needed their Larry. CAM: [walking in carrying the thing Hodgins gave her] I might be able to help. BOOTH: With what? A very small used condom? CAM: It's the finger from a rubber glove. Hodgins just found it wedged under the tub's drain stopper. BRENNAN: [standing up] Well it was spared the corrosive effects of the lye. Meaning we may be able to pull a fingerprint from the inside. CAM: No maybes about it. If there's a print, I'll pull it. And when I pull it- BOOTH: We'll have our killer. [commercial set] [ACT THREE] [cut to-FBI] BOOTH: It's just standard procedure, Lila. Just press four fingers firmly and hold. [she is getting her fingerprints taken] Our investigation turned up a print at the crime scene. [now Booth is taking Mrs. Seaver's prints] And we just need yours, Gayle, to avoid any possible confusion. [cut to-FBI] [Brennan, Booth, and Mrs. Seaver are walking towards Booth's office] MRS. SEAVER: This isn't gonna take long, is it? BOOTH: [to Brennan] Our tech has the print you pulled? BRENNAN: Ring finger, left hand. BOOTH: [to Mrs. Seaver] Then this shouldn't take long at all. Just wait here. [he usures her into his office] [outside the office-] BRENNAN: Wait. Are you sure this is the best time to tell them? BOOTH: What does that mean? After two days of nagging me, you're just now you're getting cold feet? BRENNAN: What? I do not nag. BOOTH: Well, you know, it's an anthropological inevitability for women to gossip and nag. [walks into his office] [Mrs. Turner is seated, Mrs. Seaver is still standing] BOOTH: Can I get anyone a soda? MRS. TURNER: No thank you. [to Mrs. Seaver] Are you on my husband's case too? MRS. SEAVER: No. I don't work here. You're the, um, lady from the waiting room. You gave me a tissue? [she sits down] MRS. TURNER: Oh, yeah. That was you? MRS. SEAVER: Yeah. MRS. TURNER: Sorry, I'm a little out of it. MRS. SEAVER: Yeah, I know how that feels. BOOTH: Actually, ladies, let me make some introductions. Uh, Gayle Seaver, Lila Turner. Lila, Gayle. MRS. TURNER: Hi. Lila, that was very sweet of you. I- I'd just lost my husband. MRS. SEAVER: You did? So did I. BOOTH: Actually, that's...why you're both here really. Um, for the same reason, for the same husband. MRS. TURNER: I'm sorry? BOOTH: Yeah. Me too. BRENNAN: What Agent Booth's trying to say is that your husbands, Larry...are the same Larry. [Mrs. Turner and Mrs. Seaver look at each other] BOOTH: Uh, this will help. A little show and tell. Um- [he hands a photo of the Seaver family to Mrs. Turner, and hands a photo of the Turner family to Mrs. Seaver.] MRS. TURNER: [looking at the photo] Well, this is wrong. MRS. SEAVER: It's a joke. A sick joke. BOOTH: Actually, it's not- MRS. SEAVER: [standing up] My Larry would never- MRS. TURNER: [standing up] Your Larry? MRS. SEAVER: Yes- MRS. TURNER AND MRS. SEAVER: This is my Larry! MRS. TURNER: He's my husband. What are you talking about? MRS. SEAVER: [being held back by Booth] Just go ahead and lie like that? [they get physical] BOOTH: Bones? BONES: Okay. Let's sit! Everyone just sit down. MRS. TURNER: This is ridiculous. [she sits down] Fine. [Booth's office phone rings] BOOTH: [into phone] Booth. Yeah? Yeah, I'm meeting with them right now. Right. The one from the glove. BRENNAN: [to Mrs. Seaver and Mrs. Turner] I'm sorry. I can't imagine- MRS. SEAVER: [holding up photo of Turner family] Whose kid is this? MRS. TURNER: [holding up photo of Seaver family] Whose little girl is that? BOOTH: [into phone] Are you sure? Thanks. [he hangs up phone] BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: [looking uncomfortable. Out the side of his mouth] Um- The print we found on the rubber glove at the crime scene... it doesn't match either wife. BRENNAN: [quietly] Oh, so it's back to square one. BOOTH: [to the wives] Are you sure I can't get anyone a soda? [cut to- Brennan walking out of Booth's office. Rebecca is walking toward her. REBECCA: Hey. Dr. Brennan, right? BRENNAN: Rebecca, hi. REBECCA: Is he in there? BRENNAN: He is, but, it's not a good time. Not that my powers of discernment have ever been particularly sharp...vis-a-vis good times from bad, but in this instance, it's bad. REBECCA: And I thought Seeley was exaggerating about you. BRENNAN: With regard to...? REBECCA: Just tell him to give me a call. [Brennan nods, and Rebecca walks away.] BRENNAN: Hey. [Rebecca stops] BRENNAN: Can I ask you something? [walks to Rebecca] Why did you say no? REBECCA: Excuse me? BRENNAN: When he asked you to marry him? I mean, he seems an ideal candidate. Strong, alpha male, good protective instincts. REBECCA: And I should discuss this with you why? BRENNAN: It's just- I'm not sure he knows. And... I think it bothers him. [Rebecca struggles for words. She moves off to the side, Brennan follows] REBECCA: I've always taken care of myself. To a fault, sometimes. And we got pregnant, Seeley proposed. But I didn't want to be one of those women who gets married out of need. So I said no. BRENNAN: I can see that. REBECCA: By the time that I realized I'd made a mistake... that I'd still be the same person- I think there's a moment for two people. A single moment where they can either catch fire or- Seeley and I, we missed our moment. Do you understand? BRENNAN: I'm trying. But the "single moment" thesis doesn't explain- REBECCA: Why we still get together. Fall together, really. Because, I think that we just feel what used to be there. And we miss it. BRENNAN: I think Booth thinks you didn't marry him because he wouldn't make a good father. REBECCA: What? BRENNAN: He worries about it himself. What he does for a living. His past as a sniper. REBECCA: Oh god. [she pauses] Uh, do me a favor? Don't tell him that I came by, okay? Please. [Brennan nods. Rebecca leaves.] [cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Platform] [the tub is almost empty] HODGINS: Man, what I would've given to have been a fly on the wall when you told those wives. BRENNAN: You would've been swatted, trust me. BOOTH: No match on the prints from our nationwide database either. BRENNAN: At least we can assume our killer was a first-time offender. BOOTH: Great. Thanks, Bones. That narrows it down. HODGINS: So I hear you're back with your ex. [Booth glares at Brennan] BRENNAN: Don't look at me. HODGINS: [oblivious] Your son must be thrilled. I mean I know I may thumb my nose at the hypocrisy of marriage as a sacred institution, but I think a boy truly benefits- BOOTH: I am not back with my ex. HODGINS: Let me finish. A boy truly benefits from knowing where his parents stand, together or not. Like I once had this dancer down in Miami whose stage name was Abbey Road. Anyway, she had a kid too, right? BOOTH: That'll do, Ringo. [Zack walks in holding a bag and a file] ZACK: I think I scored, Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Somebody just kill me right now. ZACK: [holding up an evidence bag] Dr. Saroyan sent me back to the crime scene. [handing the bag to Brennan] That's a junction box with a single brown hair embedded. BRENNAN: This is at floor level? ZACK: Across from where the bathtub had been. [holding up case file] You'll find its contours match our trauma wound. BRENNAN: Then let's see if this hair is a match for Larry. [begins walking out] HODGINS: Before you go, are we sure these copper bits are from the tub? ZACK: I assumed they'd come off the fixtures. HODGIN: Yeah, but- but the drain, the faucet and the spigots...they're all pristine outside a scratch or two. BOOTH: Wait. Let me see that. [picks up pieces] It's bird shot. Or it was. [looks around] It's compressed copper that's frangible so it breaks apart on impact. ZACK: Could they kill a man? HODGINS: I think our vice president disproved that possibility. BOOTH: Look, any ammo at close range will do the job. BRENNAN: But at the very least, a gunshot would've sent Larry flying, causing his head to hit this junction box. HODGINS: Which given his condition- BRENNAN: Would be fatal. [cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Angela's computer] [Hodgins, Cam, and Zack are all present] ANGELA: Okay. What you thought were teeth marks, Dr. Saroyan, turned out to be Chinese characters engraved along the side. HODGINS: What do they say? ANGELA: They say: "What make foolish man think I speak Chinese?" [smirks at Hodgins] HODGINS: I thought you were half Chinese? ANGELA: And I think you're half Swedish. Let's hear some Swedish. CAM: What is it, Angela, please? ANGELA: [grinning] It's a chopstick. Only it's not the kind you eat with. HODGINS: There's another kind? ANGELA: Well, you wouldn't comb your hair with a fork, would you? HODGINS: My hair? ANGELA: All right, look. The one character that I was able to translate, [to Hodgins] off the internet, is the word "beauty," and I realized it's meant for hair. CAM: Where you twist it in a bun and stick this through to hold it in place? [Angela nods] But if that's what this is, we can be pretty sure it wasn't Larry's. [cut to- Booth's car] BOOTH: [into phone] Thanks. [hangs up. To Brennan-] Roommate says he went to go meet some friends at the Beltway Burger. BRENNAN: And you think it's this Chloe girl because- BOOTH: Of the chopsticks, right? As soon as Cam said it, I knew it. Because when I went to go see Pete, she had chopsticks in the back of her hair. And how did Hodgins find out? BRENNAN: I'm sorry? BOOTH: "Yeah, I hear you're back with your ex." BRENNAN: I don't know. I assume it was Cam. I was only trying to engage her in social intercourse. BOOTH: Excuse me? BRENNAN: Just trying to be normal. Congenial exchange with a coworker. And if that's what gossip is, I don't like it at all. BOOTH: Yeah, you think you don't like it? I can't stand- There it is. Beltway Burger. [horn honking, music playing. Booth pulls in. We see Chloe setting a tray of food down on a table. She is listening to headphones. She has chopsticks in her hair. Booth and Brennan walk up] BOOTH: Hey Chloe. Meetin' some friends? CHLOE: [yelling] Oh, hi! You're that FBI guy! BOOTH: [pulls headphones out of her ears] Yes, I'm the FBI guy. CHLOE: So you worship at the temple of Beltway Burger too, huh? BOOTH: Yeah, on occasion. CHLOE: Yeah, I may be 90% vegetarian but their burgers- can't get enough of 'em lately. BRENNAN: How many weeks are you? CHLOE: Excuse me? BRENNAN: Pregnant. I could tell by your gait. Your ilia- they've already started shifting to widen the birth canal. CHLOE: You can tell that? BOOTH: So you are pregnant? CHLOE: 14 weeks. BRENNAN: Booth- [we see Mrs. Seaver and her daughter, and Mrs. Turner and her son approaching] Chloe's friends. BOOTH: Chloe's friends. [to the women] Taking the kids out for a little late night snack, ladies? BRENNAN: Don't tell me. Larry's the father. [Chloe sighs] [cut to- FBI - Interrogation 1] MRS. TURNER: There's a playground about halfway between Gayle and me...designed for kids with special needs. Rubber surfacing, high-back swings. [Interrogation 2] MRS. SEAVER: I took Ray there last week, and Lila was there with Jenny. The kids started playing. We started talking. And one topic led to another. BRENNAN: And- small world. MRS. SEAVER: Yeah, too small. BOOTH: What about Chloe? MRS. SEAVER: Well, after we got over the initial shock, like yesterday but real, we decided to follow Larry to work the next morning- straight to a motel, where Chloe was waiting. [Interrogation 1] MRS. TURNER: And if that wasn't enough to make our heads explode, we then had to find out about Chloe's...condition. BRENNAN: At which point you knew it was time to confront Larry. [Interrogation 3] CHLOE: I had no idea that Larry was married. BOOTH: Let alone twice. BRENNAN: But since your prints match the one left in the rubber glove, we assume it wasn't long before you found out. [Interrogation 2] BOOTH: We checked your phone records, Gayle, and, uh- you didn't leave Larry any messages after Friday night. BRENNAN: The night you, Lila, and Chloe told him you were going to see him together to get answers. [Interrogation 1] BOOTH: So you found Larry at his job. You shot him point-blank. And you dragged his sorry ass back to the bathtub. BRENNAN: Where you doused him in sodium hypochlorite, calcium hypochlorite. BOOTH: Or as you and I like to call 'em, bleach and Quickie Plumber. BRENNAN: Which, as an eighth-grade teacher, you knew would do the trick. BOOTH: Simple earth science. MRS. TURNER: Look all that's true. But we didn't kill him. BOOTH: Really, then who did? MRS. TURNER: He killed himself. [Interrogation 2] MRS. SEAVER: He killed himself. [Interrogation 3] CHLOE: He killed himself. BRENNAN: Larry was dead when you got there? CHLOE: On the bathroom floor. [Interrogation 2] MRS. SEAVER: The gun was still in his mouth. [Interrogation 1] MRS. TURNER: The coward must've freaked at the thought of facing us together. [Interrogation 2] MRS. SEAVER: If we'd surprised him, maybe he'd still be alive. BOOTH: Back up. You're saying that the gun was still in his mouth? MRS. SEAVER: His finger was on the trigger. It was awful. BOOTH: And where's the gun now? MRS. SEAVER: I buried it in my backyard. BRENNAN: That's a good place for it. [cut to- FBI] BRENNAN: Unbelievable. BOOTH: Yeah, you got that right. You know what, they're lying. BRENNAN: How do you know? BOOTH: Oh, come on. They've been lying since day one. Between all of them, they should have a dozen Oscars by now. BRENNAN: I know what those are. BOOTH: I mean, come on. Suicide? Mm-mom. Bird shot, or not, okay, every self-inflicted I've seen, the guy shoots himself, and he drops the gun. Right? It's an automatic reaction. Bang, drop. There's no way the gun ends up in his mouth. BRENNAN: Then we'd better go dig up that gun. [Rebecca walks in] REBECCA: Seeley. BRENNAN: I'll get the ball rolling. [she exits] REBECCA: Was that Dr. Brennan? BOOTH: Uh-huh. Why are you here? REBECCA: I needed to know if you were gonna coach Parker's T-ball team this year. BOOTH: You know I always coach Parker's T-ball team. REBECCA: I didn't wanna assume- BOOTH: Okay, whoa. What is going on here, Rebecca? Okay? [he pulls her into an empty room] Because look. I thought we agreed here. We cannot end up groping each other in the FBI closet. We can't do that. We're done. REBECCA: I know. BOOTH: Really? REBECCA: Seeley, all the excuses I gave you for not wanting to get married...my independence, your work- BOOTH: I know. REBECCA: No, you don't. You are a wonderful father. And Parker is a lucky kid. Such a lucky kid. And obviously, we still have feelings for each other. Do you still wanna marry me? BOOTH: Rebecca- No. I don't. REBECCA: I don't wanna marry you either. Here are the forms for T-ball. I'll miss you. BOOTH: Yeah. And I'm gonna miss you too. REBECCA: You know what I'm gonna miss the most? BOOTH: Yeah. But let's not go there. [Rebecca exits, Booth watches her go] [cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Platform] BRENNAN: Okay. DNA on the barrel confirms it was in Larry's mouth at some point. BOOTH: [poking at an enormous shot gun] Yeah. Well, I still don't but it. You know, the kickback alone would've forced it out. BRENNAN: Unless he was dead before the shot. BOOTH: Well, yeah, that's true. But, uh- Wait, what? BRENNAN: The inside of Larry's skull is pitted, which I had always attributed to the effects of the lye. But each tiny hole matches perfectly with the bird shot, right down to these specks of copper. BOOTH: Are you saying that it was suicide? BRENNAN: I would, except these holes are void of blood, which would suggest they were self inflicted after blood stopped pumping through Larry's head. BOOTH: No, keep talking. I'll catch up. BRENNAN: Well unlike this blunt force trauma- no shortage of blood here. Proving he was dead before he was shot. BOOTH: So now we're talking about a faked homicide to cover up a faked suicide? BRENNAN: A faked suicide meant to cover up an actual, original murder. BOOTH: Now, just when you think things couldn't get any more twisted- CAM: [entering] How's this for a curveball? BOOTH:-in walks Cam. CAM: After retrieving and reassembling every tooth from that tub...I now discover that I had one extra. [she hands an evidence bag to Brennan] BRENNAN: Well, this is not a tooth. It's a crown. CAM: Exactly. Any of your women happen to be missing one? BOOTH: Not that I could see. BRENNAN: [chuckling] Well, it wouldn't be theirs anyway. It's sized for a man. CAM: I knew that. BOOTH: A man's tooth and it's not Larry's. BRENNAN: It's not a tooth. It's a crown, whereby a dentist files down an existing tooth- BOOTH: I know what a crown is, Bones. BRENNAN: Except Pete called it a root canal. BOOTH: Pete. [cut to- the construction site] MAN: Yeah, right there. [Booth and Brennan enter] PETE: Well, look who's here. Returning to the scene of the crime. BOOTH: Funny. I was gonna say that to you. [to workers] Okay boys, that's lunch. Let's go. PETE: Why? No, no. I'm talking about that. Look at my wall there. [points to broken wires] Who's gonna pay for that. BRENNAN: Let's find out. Smile for me, Pete. [she shines a LED light in his face] PETE: Who! Back off! What's this about? BRENNAN: Temporary crown, maxillary central incisor. BOOTH: [taking out cuffs] Turn around, Pete. PETE: Like I have any idea how Larry got in that tub? BRENNAN: Actually, on that detail, we're quite sure you don't. BOOTH: Making that look on your face when you saw it all the more priceless. PETE: That's because I didn't know what happened- BOOTH: Well, let me tell you what I know, Pete. Okay? I know Larry owed you 85 grand. So Friday night you come here to have a little talk to him about it. About the same time, he gets a phone call from his very unhappy wives. PETE: Wives? BOOTH: Yeah. Which puts Larry in a really bad place. So when you asked him, "Hey, you know, where's my money?" He pretty much blows you off. BRENNAN: Like he has more important things to worry about. BOOTH: Bad enough that Larry rips you off, but he disrespects you on top of it? That's not gonna happen in this lifetime. BRENNAN: So it got physical. Larry knocked your crown loose. And you shoved him down here where he hit his head on the socket casing. PETE: I-I-I swear he didn't land hard. BRENNAN: With his O.I. condition, it didn't matter. Wouldn't take much. PETE: It was an accident. I'm sorry. BRENNAN: So sorry you had to cover it up? BOOTH: Stick a cheap shotgun in his mouth, pull the trigger, and make manslaughter look like suicide. PETE: The guy had ripped me off for enough. I couldn't let him ruin me too. BRENNAN: And you can live with that? PETE: A person can live with anything if they don't think too hard. BOOTH: Let's try this again, Pete. Turn around. PETE: [getting cuffed] How did he get in the tub? It's been driving me nuts. BRENNAN: You know what? Try not to think about it. BOOTH: Come on. [cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office] ANGELA: The irony is that I cannot think of a single woman who would want three husbands. HODGINS: Good thing. A guy would never be stupid enough to let it happen. ANGELA: Excuse me. These women were not stupid. [turning around- Hodgins is lounging in the now empty tub] And that is completely gross. HODGINS: But comfy. [Angela smiles] Welcome back by the way. ANGELA: What? HODGINS: Well after two days of inappropriate comments, you're back to judging me for gross behavior. ANGELA: When am I ever appropriate? HODGINS: Good point. [she is leaning on the edge of the tub] Maybe it was just the judging me I missed. Ah, the woman I know and love- [Angela raises her eyebrows] in a purely nonromantic, happy-to-be-judged way. ANGELA: Well- Anyway. HODGINS: These women. ANGELA: Right. Not stupid. And frankly, that they allowed themselves to be duped, is a sad statement on how lean the market is out there. HODGINS: I resent that. I'm out there. ANGELA: You certainly are. HODGINS: Well how not stupid could these women have been to think that they could get away with faking a murder? ANGELA: Or how compassionate were they to recognize that they were all in the same boat. So why let Larry take his insurance money with him? HODGINS: Yeah. A lot of good it'll do 'em in jail. [cut to- Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's office] BRENNAN: So you never said how it ended up with Rebecca. BOOTH: Well, yeah, it ended. The only time we'll ever spend together is with Parker. BRENNAN: You sure that's what you want? BOOTH: You know what, Bones? It might be all anthropology to you, but there are certain people that you just can't sleep with. I mean, you can pretend that it's just s*x. You can lie to yourself, and you can say that it's all good. But, um, there's just- There's too many strings and- and too much at stake, you know? Too much to lose. BRENNAN: Yeah. I can see that. BOOTH: [standing up] It's over, you know? I'd appreciate, you know, your support in that. BRENNAN: I will. And if you should slip, I will...keep my mouth shut about it. BOOTH: Thank you. But, I mean, it's not like I'm gonna- BRENNAN: No, I mean with anybody. I'm sure Rebecca's not your only option for satisfying your biological urges. [they hold sexy eye contact] ANGELA: [entering] Please tell me these women are not going to jail. HODGINS: [behind her] After trying to bilk the insurance system, they'll get nothing less than a firing squad. ANGELA: Not if they never filed a claim. HODGINS: Because our friends here caught them. BOOTH: Well you're both kinda right. Given their kids and the circumstances, the D.A. is gonna offer probation provided that all three women show remorse and attend mandatory counseling. HODGINS: In exchange for movie rights I hope. [to Angela] You know they're gonna get calls. ANGELA: I hope so. [Hodgins exits] Hey nice going by the way. Cam tells me your back with your ex. BOOTH: Cam. ANGELA: Mmm. BOOTH: Cam in her office? [he exits] ANGELA: [inhales] I said something wrong. BRENNAN: Ooh, would it be gossip if I told you? ANGELA: I hope so. [they both leave] [cut to-hallway, the same hallway we saw in the teaser. It sounds like s*x] [we see Booth, only Booth] BOOTH: Wow. That was, uh- That was- [pan to...] CAM: Wicked? BOOTH: Yeah. And a huge mistake. CAM: Not if we don't do it again. BOOTH: Deal. CAM: Deal. Not after tonight, I mean. BOOTH: Never again. CAM: No. [they kiss] [THE END]
Plan: A: a bathtub; Q: Where were the remains of the man found in a construction site? A: corrosive chemicals; Q: What was the man dissolving in a bathtub of? A: a search; Q: What did Brennan and Booth do to find out the identity of the man? A: two different families; Q: What did the man living the double life have? A: jealousy and insurance money; Q: What initially appears to be a straightforward case of what? A: new clues; Q: What sends Brennan and Booth in a completely different direction? A: light; Q: What is a third suspect brought to? A: curious, confronts Rebecca; Q: What does Brennan do about Rebecca's recent antics with Booth? A: her rejection; Q: What did Rebecca say about Booth's marriage proposal? Summary: Gruesome remains of a man dissolving in a bathtub of corrosive chemicals are found in a construction site. In a search of the man's identity, they realize he was living a double life with two different families. In what first appears to be a straightforward case of jealousy and insurance money, new clues send Brennan and Booth in a completely different direction and a third suspect is brought to light. Meanwhile, Brennan, curious, confronts Rebecca about her recent antics with Booth and her rejection of Booth's marriage proposal.
Pam: What's wrong Michael? Michael: I got gum in my hair. Pam: You do. Michael: This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it. Dwight: You've got a ton of dandruff. Michael: OK, let me be. Jim: How'd you get gum in your hair? Michael: I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil. Jim: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter. Michael: Kill me... right now. Pam: We have peanut butter in the kitchen. Michael: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich. Jim: Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am. Pam: No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Smells good. Dwight: Taste good too. Michael: Oh don't. That's disgusting. Dwight: Wow! Lot of calories. Michael: Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey Michael, how was your date last night? Michael: [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I am livid, Absolutely livid. Angela: It's ridiculous. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: My favorite branch. How's everybody doing? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey man, you mind if I run something by you? Ryan: Love it. Go. Jim: Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that. Ryan: I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that. Jim: Thanks. Ryan: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right? Jim: Did I? I don't... Ryan: You did. Yeah. Jim: Hmm. Ryan: Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or... Ryan: Ok thanks Michael. Michael: Yeah. Ryan: I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions. Dwight: Question. Ryan: Dwight. Dwight: Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made? Ryan: This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site. Stanley: I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that. Ryan: I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O. Stanley: When will that be? Ryan: TBD. Phyllis? Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the... Ryan: Yes, yes they did, yes they did. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all. Jim: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one. Ryan: It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store. Jim: And then an older gentleman asked you "Boxers or briefs?" Creed: I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site. Kelly: If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself. Ryan: Do you have a question Kelly? Kelly: Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? Michael: [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend. Ryan: You too. Michael: Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan] Ryan: Michael let me go. Let me go Michael. Michael: Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me. Ryan: Na. Michael: Na? Ryan: Sorry man. Michael: Well you tried. Ryan: But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city. Michael: Yeah. Ryan: Unreal. Michael: They sound great. Ryan: Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Would you have s*x with Meredith? Jim: What? Michael: Do you think she'd keep it quiet? Jim: I'm gonna go to my desk. Michael: Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that... Jim: I know. Michael: Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan. Jim: I can't. Michael: Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome. Jim: I'm not single. Michael: Who you dating? Jim: Pam. Michael: That's still going on? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls. Dwight: Yeah! Andy: Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying. Angela: I'm right here. Dwight: No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three. Michael: Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift. Angela: We get it. Michael: I am going to go get laid. Goodbye. Dwight: [laughs] With s*x! Michael: That's... I, I think that... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Place is packed. Dwight: Fire hazard. Michael: Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall. Dwight: Women look like white slaves. Michael: No, they're just hotties. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour. Michael: Hey. Ryan: Michael. Michael: Hey! Ryan: What are you doing here? Michael: Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada. Ryan: That is so awesome man! Michael: Alright! Ryan: And you brought this guy! Michael: Yeah. Ryan: Aww! Michael: Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight. Ryan: I know it's you guys. Michael: Ok. Ryan: I'm so psyched you're here! Michael: Well. Ryan: Woooo! Michael: Alright! Ryan: Let's get a drink. Michael: Let's do it! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Thanks a lot guys, Good job. Kevin: Later. Jim: Nice job everybody. Great work. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late? Jim: Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now. Pam: You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left. Stanley: Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks." [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy. Michael: Hey, nice to meet you. Troy: Hey, how ya doing? Dwight: Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character. Ryan: Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard. Dwight: No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit. Ryan: Bottle service ya'll? Michael: Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour. Waitress: We don't serve food here. Michael: Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries. Dwight: Do you live in a regular sized house? Ryan: Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You really don't have his phone number? Pam: I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number? Toby: I might have it in here. Pam: Aw! That's great Toby. Toby: It's so random that I have it. Pam: Toby, you're the best. Toby: When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it. Jim: Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or... Toby: No. Jim: It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick. Andy: Yes, it's Eddie. Jim: It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or... Creed: Hank, his name is Hank. Jim: No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar? Phyllis: Elliot. Oscar: Elliot! Jim: Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here? [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms? Dwight: Good. Ryan: This guy owns his own beet farm. Troy: Insane. Dwight: Well it's weevil season but we were prepared. Ryan: Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean? Dwight: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out. Ryan: Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom. Dwight: You've already been several times. Ryan: Yeah. Dwight: Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection. Ryan: I don't know, maybe. Dwight: I'll order you some cranberry juice. Ryan: With vodka, you're the best. Dwight: [to troy] Do you have powers? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so... [everyone groans] we did it. Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas. Toby: Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's. Angela: Yeah, neither did I. Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it. Jim: Yup... Kevin: Way to go, man. Kelly: Now he's never gonna come. Andy: By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands] Pam: Phyllis. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future." "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie. Girl in Club: I've never heard of that movie. Michael: Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. Girl in Club: How old are you? Michael: Forty... I'm in my forties. Girl in Club: Wow. That's so cool. Michael: Nuhh... Girl in Club: Well I'm gonna go back to my group now. Michael: Oh, OK. Girl in Club: Thanks for the drink. Michael: You are welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This place is like sexy pre-school. Ryan: Did you want a place where we could meet older women? Michael: I would love a place where we could meet older girls. Ryan: Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor] Michael: Ahh, wow. That's dangerous. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard. Dwight: [to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me. Tall Girl #1: Yeah? Dwight: [referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other? Tall Girl #1: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs. All Girls: Wooo! Dwight: Amazons. Ryan: [to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks. Michael: You're kidding. Ryan: Let's bail. [starts to leave] Dwight: Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let's go. Tall Girl #2: We're not going unless we can all go. Dwight: OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw. Pam: I know how to throw a football. Toby: Course you do. Andy: Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face] Meredith: Owww! Kevin: Oh God. [SCENE_BREAK] Bartender: There you go. Dwight: Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this? Bartender: It's for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar] Dwight: Oh. [dumps drink out] Troy: What are you doing man? Dwight: It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool. Girl in 2nd club: That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do? Michael: I am a bank teller. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance. [SCENE_BREAK] Girl in 2nd club: Cool. Michael: I think so. Girl in 2nd club: Yeah. Michael: Yeah, I have fun. Girl in 2nd club: I'm just gonna just use the powder room. Michael: All right. Girl in 2nd club: So I'll see ya soon. Michael: Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: She washes dogs. Ryan: You're doing it man. Michael: I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom. Ryan: Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world? Michael: Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy] Ryan: It's inevitable, right? Michael: Hmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up. Hank: Hello? Jim: Haaank. Is that you? Hank: Yeah. Jim: Still haven't left the house yet, huh? Hank: I'll get ready to leave. Jim: Good. Please hurry. Hank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks! Jim: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow. Oscar: Why? Pam: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles] Toby: More like "Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday." [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad. Ryan: Why wouldn't they let me dance? Michael: Well... Troy: OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away] Michael: Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club] Tall Girl #1: [to Dwight] You have to go with me. Dwight: I do, I have to go. Tall Girl #1: Stay. Stay, please? Dwight: No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright? Tall Girl #1: Call me. Dwight: Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I'm not gonna call her. Michael: Let's go. Ryan: I don't wanna go back in. Michael: I know, here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us. Oscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish? Jim: I... just... if they speak Spanish. Oscar: [to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don't respond] Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK? Cleaning lady: Ohh... Oscar: They happened to speak Spanish. Jim: Lucky us. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan's apartment] Dwight: Wow. Michael: This is it. Dwight: All right. Michael: This is where the magic happens. Dwight: Nice. Michael: Very nice. Ryan: One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have... Dwight: I got sofa. I got sofa. Michael: Dwight, I'm the boss. Dwight: I got floor. Michael: Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on. Dwight: [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick? Ryan: No. [Dwight starts singing in German] Michael: Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone. Dwight: It's a lullaby. Michael: Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off. Ryan: No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do? Dwight: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours. Michael: Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it. Ryan: Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK? Dwight: OK. Good night Ryan. Michael: Best night ever. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys. [SCENE_BREAK] Hank: [drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone] Son of a bitch.
Plan: A: New York; Q: Where did Michael and Dwight surprise Ryan? A: the night; Q: How long do Michael and Dwight join Ryan for? A: his cocaine habit; Q: What could be a side effect of Ryan's friendliness? A: the Scranton branch; Q: Who is upset that they have to come in on a Saturday for Ryan's website project? A: Jim; Q: Who suggests that everyone work late instead of coming in on a Saturday? A: The plan; Q: What goes well until they find themselves locked in on the grounds with no way to escape? A: his affection; Q: What does Toby let slip to Pam? A: Pam; Q: Who does Toby announce he will be moving to Costa Rica for? A: Costa Rica; Q: Where does Toby decide to move to? Summary: Michael and Dwight decide to surprise Ryan in New York and to meet his friends. They find him clubbing and join him for the night. Ryan is surprisingly friendly, though it could be a side effect of his cocaine habit. Meanwhile, the Scranton branch is upset when they find out they have to come in on a Saturday for Ryan's website project. Jim suggests that everyone work late instead. The plan goes well - until they find they are locked in on the grounds with no way to escape. Toby lets slip his affection for Pam and impulsively announces he will be moving to Costa Rica .
DEATH TO THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION PART THREE 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. TUNNEL FORK (Still waiting, SARAH hears a noise behind her. She calls quietly into the darkness...) SARAH: Somebody there? (Receiving no answer, she goes back to waiting near the DOCTOR'S tunnel. She suddenly turns round and gasps in fright. The creature that has been following them hangs out of a crack in the rock wall observing her. Somewhat like an Exxilon, it is far smaller and with a grey skin rather than a brown one. It still has the round opaque eyes of the Exxilons which look down upon SARAH.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SIDE TUNNEL (The DOCTOR makes his way down his chosen tunnel. Suddenly he stops. Something lies on the floor of the tunnel in front of him. Metallic and long, it winds like a gigantic snake into the distance. Its head lifts off the floor of the tunnel and a glowing light appears on the front. It roars at the DOCTOR as it rears up and then dives towards him. He jumps out of the way as the nose of the probe touches the rock wall where he was stood, causing it to explode. The DOCTOR lies on the floor where he fell. The probe rears up again and comes down, just as the DOCTOR rolls out of the way. It touches the floor of the tunnel and again there is an explosion of fire.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. TUNNEL FORK (SARAH panics as the watching creature steps down and walks towards her.) SARAH: Oh...keep away from me! Keep back! (She backs off as the little creature holds up an arm and speaks in a pleading, somewhat aged voice. The effect is that of a wizened old man.) BELLAL: Please! SARAH: (Nervously.) Who are you? BELLAL: I am called Bellal. I mean you no harm. I will help you if I can. I do not share the beliefs of those who would have killed you. They consider that I and others are like me are their enemies. (SARAH is backed up against a wall and her courage is returning but she still is wary of the little Exxilon.) SARAH: And are you? BELLAL: Oh, no! We seek merely to save the Exxilon race from extinction. We do not share their beliefs and for that reason we are persecuted and driven to live in the secret places beneath the surface. (BELLAL gestures at the tunnels around them.) SARAH: Ah...how...many of you are there? BELLAL: Very few against so many. I... (BELLAL reaches out to her but she is still very wary and side-steps the little creatures attempts to get close with little gasps of fear.) BELLAL: ...will answer all your questions but first, we must go from here. We have a place that is safe. Follow me and I will take you to it. SARAH: I can't. I'm waiting for the Doctor. BELLAL: Which path did he take? SARAH: That one. (She points down the tunnel and BELLAL recoils with a gasp of fear.) BELLAL: Ahh! SARAH: Well, what is it? BELLAL: That way leads to death. (SARAH spins round and looks down the tunnel. Her fear for the DOCTOR overcoming her fear of the Exxilon, she pleads with BELLAL.) SARAH: Well you've got to help him! (BELLAL shakes his head.) BELLAL: (Whispers.) No! SARAH: Oh, please! (Forgetting herself, she grasps his arm but suddenly recoils. They then hear the roar of the metal probe down the tunnel.) BELLAL: It may already be too late, but we will do what can be done. (Suddenly another Exxilon similar to BELLAL runs up towards them.) GOTAL: The creatures from the spacecraft - two of them - coming this way! BELLAL: Machine creatures? SARAH: Daleks! (BELLAL points to a hiding place behind a rock.) BELLAL: Here. (The three run into hiding behind the rock, the two little Exxilon's colour merging with the grey of the rock. A second later, the two DALEKS glide into the area.) FIRST DALEK: We will search independently. Fugitives are to be exterminated on sight. SECOND DALEK: I obey. (The FIRST DALEK takes the tunnel chosen by the DOCTOR while the SECOND takes another tunnel. SARAH watches the FIRST DALEK go.) SARAH: He'll be coming up behind the Doctor! I must warn him! (She tries to make a run for the tunnel but BELLAL holds her back. SARAH struggles in his grasp and the other Exxilon - GOTAL - joins him in securing her.) BELLAL: No, no, it will be no use! You must stay silent or you will destroy us all! You must understand! (SARAH stops struggling.) BELLAL: It is beyond our power to help him now. (SARAH looks fearfully down the tunnel.) SARAH: Doctor... [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SIDE TUNNEL (The DOCTOR edges carefully down the wall of a side tunnel. The probe can be seen waiting beyond through a crack in the rock. The DOCTOR turns his head and spots it. At that moment, the FIRST DALEK turns the corner and sees the probe. It immediately starts firing bullets at it but they have no effect on the metallic device. It dives down and touches the DALEK on its dome and an explosion of fire erupts from beneath it. The DALEK continues to fire and the probe dives again, this time touching the front of the casing and causing another explosion. The DOCTOR comes somewhat out of hiding and looks through the crack in the rock wall as the probe dives once more. To his intense approval, a third explosion rips through the DALEK casing.) DOCTOR: Oh, good shot, sir! (A fourth dive causes another explosion but the DALEK manages to continue to fire...) DOCTOR: A hit! Yes, a palpable hit! (The DALEK fires several more times but the probe makes a fifth dive with another resultant explosion from beneath the dome.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TUNNEL FORK (SARAH, consumed with thoughts as to what is happening, walks slowly towards the entrance to the tunnel.) BELLAL: No! SARAH: I must. BELLAL: The other Dalek will have heard. He'll be coming back! SARAH: The Doctor may be hurt. GOTAL: We must hurry! (The two little Exxilons pull SARAH back.) BELLAL: As soon as it's safe, I'll have some of my people look for your friend but now... (He stops and gasps.) BELLAL: Something's coming! GOTAL: Quick! BELLAL: Quick! (SARAH herself cries out...) SARAH: Quick! (...and follows the example of the two Exxilons in running into hiding. She watches from behind her rock as a DALEK gun pokes out from the tunnel entrance. It hesitates and then moves on - it is the DOCTOR, holding the disembodied DALEK gun in his hand. SARAH runs out of hiding, barely able to speak...) SARAH: Doctor... (She hugs him in delight and relief as she starts to gabble at him...) SARAH: Oh, you're safe! Oh, what happened?! Oh, how did you get away from the Dalek? What did you see down there? (The DOCTOR tries desperately to quieten her.) DOCTOR: Alright. Alright, alright, alright, alright, just a moment, just a moment! I've just had a face to face confrontation with a rather nasty root. It obviously wasn't very fond of me but it positively hated the Dalek. SARAH: Did you say "root"? DOCTOR: Yes, it must have been one of those, sort of, underground support systems for the city, I should imagine. SARAH: Well what happened to the Dalek? DOCTOR: The root - one... SARAH: Mmm? DOCTOR: Dalek - nil. In fact, this was about the only part of it that was left undamaged. (He holds up the gun. BELLAL and GOTAL run out of the tunnel that they hid in. The DOCTOR jumps and aims the gun at them.) SARAH: No! Doctor, they're friends. BELLAL: The other Dalek is coming this way! SARAH: Oh! (The two run off and SARAH is about to follow but the DOCTOR pulls her back.) DOCTOR: Sarah! Who are your shining friends? SARAH: Oh, time for that later, Doctor - come on! (She leads him down the tunnel. A moment later, the SECOND DALEK emerges from its tunnel, looks round and then glides off after the fugitives.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TUNNEL (The two Exxilons lead the way down the tunnel. BELLAL waves to the two people to take the lead.) BELLAL: You must move more quickly! The Dalek is coming this way! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TUNNEL END (SARAH runs into the end of the tunnel.) SARAH: It's a dead end! (GOTAL points to a crack in the wall as BELLAL keeps watch.) GOTAL: No! We go through there - it widens out after a little. DOCTOR: You first - go on, Sarah. (SARAH climbs up and through the crack in the wall.) GOTAL: (To the DOCTOR.) Now you - give me that. (He takes the DALEK gun from the DOCTOR as he starts to climb through.) DOCTOR: I really must go on a diet... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TUNNEL CHAMBER DOCTOR: ...one of these days. (SARAH squeezes through.) DOCTOR: Give me your hand! SARAH: Oh! (SARAH helps pull him through the narrow crack.) DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TUNNEL END (The SECOND DALEK glides nearer as GOTAL and then BELLAL squeeze through the crack.) FIRST DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! (Having made it through, the DALEK glides up to the crack, aims its gun at it and fires bullet after bullet into the chamber beyond.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. TUNNEL CHAMBER (Within there, the four shelter down as the bullets ricochet off the walls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TUNNEL END (The DALEK ceases firing and glides off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. TUNNEL CHAMBER (The four gingerly raise their heads. The DOCTOR peers through the crack.) DOCTOR: Well, it's alright. He seems to have gone. Is anyone hurt? SARAH: Ah, I don't think so. BELLAL: We're safe now. DOCTOR: We can't sit around underground forever. There are things we must do. SARAH: Such as? DOCTOR: Well, get the power back into our spaceships, for one thing. And for another, do everything we can to help that Earth mission ship. SARAH: Well they'll be alright. They seemed pretty pally with the Daleks. DOCTOR: Well, you take it from me, Sarah - the moment they cease to be of use to the Daleks, they wipe them out without a qualm. (BELLAL stands.) BELLAL: My people are watching them. They will report immediately what happens. (GOTAL nods in agreement and the four move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. EXXILON. DIG (From high on a cliff top, one of the underground Exxilons watches as the captive Exxilons work at mining the parrinium below. They are working rather like gold prospectors, lifting up soil from beneath a pool and sifting through it. GALLOWAY watches them. A DALEK glides up to them and GALLOWAY goes up to meet it.) DALEK: The Exxilons are working too slowly. DAN GALLOWAY: Well, with the primitive equipment they're using, I'm not surprised. DALEK: Then the workforce must be increased. You will arrange it. DAN GALLOWAY: Look, the high priest wasn't all that cooperative. We were lucky to get this many workers. (The DALEK glides round GALLOWAY.) DALEK: More workers! More workers! More! Exxilons will obey our commands! DAN GALLOWAY: And if they don't? DALEK: Their leaders will be exterminated. DAN GALLOWAY: (Shocked.) But...we made an agreement. DALEK: It was expedient. You will advise the high priest that his people will comply with Dalek law - or suffer the consequences. DAN GALLOWAY: I can't tell him that! DALEK: You will obey! (The DALEK glides off chanting...) DALEK: You will obey! You will obey! You will obey! You will obey! (GALLOWAY returns to the mining Exxilons who have momentarily stopped work.) DAN GALLOWAY: Alright you lot - put your backs into it! Get going! (He glances back at the departing DALEK as the Exxilons slowly return to work.) DAN GALLOWAY: Come on! You're idle, idle, idle! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (Two DALEKS glide into their spaceship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. DALEK SHIP (Three DALEKS meet in one of the darkened metallic chambers within.) DALEK: This planet is now under Dalek control. Our commands will be obeyed. Those who resist will be exterminated! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. TUNNEL (BELLAL leads the DOCTOR, SARAH and GOTAL down a tunnel lit by many candles arranged on ledges.) BELLAL: Exxilon had grown old before life had even begun on other planets. Our ancestors solved the mysteries of science, built craft that travelled through space - they were the supreme beings of the universe. DOCTOR: What destroyed their power - war? BELLAL: No. They created their own destruction. Using all their knowledge, they built a city that would last through all of time. SARAH: And they succeeded. It looked as though it was built only yesterday. BELLAL: They used their sciences to make the city into a living thing. It could protect itself, repair itself, maintain itself - they even gave it a brain. DOCTOR: I see. So the city became an entity, though greater and more powerful than the many small parts that had created it? BELLAL: Yes, it then had no need of those who had made it. Our people had created a monster. They tried to destroy it, instead it destroyed them and drove out the survivors. Now we, and the other Exxilons you met, are all that remain. SARAH: Well what separates you from the others? BELLAL: They have made the city their god. They worship and fear it. They even make sacrifices to it. SARAH: Yes, we almost qualified for that ourselves. (The DOCTOR and SARAH smile.) DOCTOR: Yet you don't fear the city, Bellal - why? BELLAL: Yes, we do fear it, but we don't worship it. Our aim is to destroy it. Unless we succeed, our race will vanish from this planet. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I think the time has come to do something about this city. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. EXXILON. DIG (The underground Exxilon continues to observe the dig from the clifftop. Three DALEKS are positioned at different points at the side of the pool and three Exxilons in the pool, sifting silt which is further but roughly refined by more Exxilons at the water's edge. JILL and PETER are starting to look a little bedraggled from their efforts. They watch as another DALEK arrives and listen as it reports to one already at the site.) FIRST DALEK: The explosive charges will be completed shortly. SECOND DALEK: The charges must be placed on the beacon on the summit of the city and detonated. FIRST DALEK: Agreed. A Dalek patrol will enter the city to investigate scientific installations while the explosives are being positioned. (Another DALEK has glided up to the two...) THIRD DALEK: Will destruction of the beacon restore electrical energy? FIRST DALEK: All logical evidence suggests it is the source of interference. (Suddenly there is a disturbance in the pool. A root probe, similar to the one that attacked the DOCTOR in the tunnel, rises from the water. The Exxilons start to grunt in panic, drawing the attention of both DALEKS and humans. The Exxilons, both in the water and on dry ground, seem rooted to the spot in fear. PETER pushes past them to the water's edge and yells out...) PETER HAMILTON: Go! Get out of it! (Two of the Exxilons in the water are already near to the edge and wade out easily. The third is on the other side of the pool, nearer to both steeper ground and the rising probe itself. The Exxilon desperately tries to make for safety but swift movement is hampered by the large heavy folds of its cloak. Watching this, JILL runs up to PETER in some distress.) JILL TARRANT: Peter?! (The two watch helplessly as the probe reaches its maximum height and then descends quickly upon the hapless Exxilon. As the probe touches it, the creature explodes into flame. The Exxilon splashes in the water as the flames spread across its cloak. Finally, it plunges dead into the water. PETER takes JILL to higher ground away from the pool and the probe which turns looking for another victim. It soon finds one as a DALEK on the cliff edge starts to fire its ineffectual bullets at the probe. The snake-like defence turns and moves towards the moving DALEK. It fires its own shot at the DALEK whose dome explodes into flames.) DALEK: Exterminate! Am losing control! (The DALEK plunges off the edge and down the cliff.) DALEK: Am losing control! Am...! (It falls into the water and its cries cut out as it floats on top on the pool, watched by the grunting Exxilons and the surviving but unmoved DALEKS. GALLOWAY joins JILL and PETER and they watch as the probe slithers beneath the water's surface. Nearby, the watching underground Exxilon moves away to report events.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR, SARAH and GOTAL watch as BELLAL carves some crude markings on the wall of the tunnel with a sharp piece of rock.) DOCTOR: You say that markings like these are cut into the walls of the city? BELLAL: Yes, these are as I remember them. SARAH: I saw them too, Doctor. Do they mean anything to you? DOCTOR: No, not fully. But I do have a rough idea of what they're intended to convey. You see, I've seen them before. SARAH: Seen them before - where? DOCTOR: On the walls of a temple in Peru. SARAH: Oh, that's impossible! DOCTOR: Yeah, that's what they said about the Peruvian temple as well. Yeah, it's one of Earth's great mysteries that no primitive man could possibly have built such a structure. Well now we've solved it. SARAH: (Puzzled.) Solved how a temple was built in Peru? DOCTOR: (To BELLAL.) You say that your ancestors were travelling in space when other worlds were still primitive? BELLAL: Why that is true. DOCTOR: (To SARAH.) Then they almost certainly visited Earth and taught the people there how to build. BELLAL: Our city supports itself in two ways: through roots in the ground and in the air. SARAH: The air? DOCTOR: Yes, th...they must drain their electrical energy from the atmosphere, probably via that beacon. SARAH: So that's what put the mockers on the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Well, you seem to have a crude grasp of the general idea, yes. (A third underground Exxilon runs into the tunnel and whispers to GOTAL, watched by the others.) BELLAL: What is it? GOTAL: One of the machine creatures has been destroyed by a probe at the diggings. SARAH: (To the DOCTOR, puzzled.) A what - where? DOCTOR: Another of our Dalek friends has had root trouble! (SARAH smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. EXXILON. DIG (A DALEK moves past three others and up to the waiting group of Exxilons.) FIRST DALEK: Mining will recommence in new area immediately - move! (They grunt unhappily but move away harassed by the DALEK.) FIRST DALEK: Move! Move! Move! (Another DALEK glides up to the three humans but talks only to JILL...) SECOND DALEK: You will go with them. (PETER steps forward.) PETER HAMILTON: We stay together. SECOND DALEK: (Angrily.) You will obey! You will obey! JILL TARRANT: It's alright, Peter. One of us has to select the parrinium from the digging. PETER HAMILTON: But... JILL TARRANT: Don't worry. I can take care of myself. (She walks off after the Exxilons and their guard. The SECOND DALEK turns to the remaining two DALEKS.) SECOND DALEK: Patrol will leave immediately to enter city and make scientific survey. DALEKS: We obey. (They glide off. The SECOND DALEK turns on the spot to face PETER and GALLOWAY.) SECOND DALEK: You will accompany me to position explosive. (PETER turns to GALLOWAY.) PETER HAMILTON: You're in command. What do we do? DAN GALLOWAY: Exactly as it says. SECOND DALEK: We leave immediately - move! Move! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. EXXILON (The DOCTOR, SARAH and BELLAL, now carrying the DALEK gun, approach the city and its flashing beacon. The DOCTOR whistles in appreciation at the sight of its terraces, columns and buildings.) DOCTOR: Well. Now that must be one of the seven hundred wonders of the universe. SARAH: It's even more impressive when we get close. DOCTOR: I'm afraid you're not going any closer. SARAH: What? Oh, now look, Doctor... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) I've got something far more important for you to do. SARAH: (Sulkily.) You just don't want to be lumbered with me. DOCTOR: Sarah, if that Earth rocket doesn't get away from here, millions of people are gonna die. (SARAH nods in acceptance.) SARAH: (Quietly.) Alright, Doctor, what do you want me to do? DOCTOR: I want you to make Galloway and his friends understand they've got to get the parrinium aboard that ship and be ready for blast-off the moment the power is restored. Now remember the Daleks will be fully powered too and they'll do everything they can to destroy the Earth ship. SARAH: (Shocked.) You think that's what they're intending? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm certain of it. I know the Daleks and they're not medical missionaries. SARAH: I'll tell them, Doctor. (BELLAL is shuffling on his feet nervously.) SARAH: Well, Bellal is getting impatient. You'd better go. (The DOCTOR nods and smiles.) DOCTOR: Good girl. Well, take care of yourself, won't you? SARAH: And you. (He takes a few paces towards BELLAL but stops and turns back to SARAH.) DOCTOR: There's just one more thing. If I don't come back... SARAH: Mmm? DOCTOR: You must go with them. (He sees that she is about to say something and quickly places a finger on her lip to stop her. He then strokes her cheek.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Alright? (SARAH mouths a "yes" and nods. The DOCTOR moves off with BELLAL.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. EXXILON. CITY (The beacon of the city continues to flash over the surface of the planet...) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. CITY WALL (The DOCTOR and BELLAL walk out of the surrounding rocks at the same point at the base of the city that SARAH arrived at earlier. BELLAL, now carrying the disembodied DALEK gun, warily walks up to the city wall but the DOCTOR'S concentration is taken up by his wonder at the structure.) DOCTOR: It's beautiful! Beautiful! BELLAL: To you - perhaps. To us, it is evil. (BELLAL walks up to the wall and gestures to the DOCTOR to follow. BELLAL places his free hand on the wall and a section of it starts to glow.) DOCTOR: Touch sensitised. That's brilliant. BELLAL: You wanted to see the symbols? DOCTOR: Yes. (BELLAL nods and takes his hand off the wall which stops glowing. He scurries into the alcove.) BELLAL: They are here. (He gestures to the DOCTOR to follow him and again places a hand on the wall to make the symbols glow.) BELLAL: I have tried to interpret them many times. DOCTOR: Yes, it's difficult, very difficult. BELLAL: Do they have any meaning for you? DOCTOR: Vaguely, but I... BELLAL: They continue round here. (He shows the DOCTOR a mass of other symbols on another wall of the alcove. As they examine them, the two DALEKS sent to examine the city glide round a farther corner. Neither party spots the other. Meanwhile...) DOCTOR: I think I have something here. These symbols don't conform. (BELLAL leaves the DOCTOR to examine the symbols and glances round the corner of the alcove. He jumps when he sees the approaching visitors.) BELLAL: Daleks! (The DOCTOR swiftly joins him.) DOCTOR: Where? BELLAL: There. (BELLAL points but their whereabouts is quickly established when the DALEKS start to fire at the corner of the alcove.) BELLAL: Get back! (The two dive into the alcove and start to look desperately for a way into the city.) BELLAL: Hurry! (As the DALEKS glide round the corner, there are two electronic whining noises in quick succession, as if a door has opened and closed swiftly. As the DALEKS come upon sight of the alcove, they find that that is exactly the case as the alcove is now empty. The two DALEKS scan round it.) FIRST DALEK: Continue search. (The SECOND DALEK starts to look over the symbols.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. CITY. ENTRANCE CHAMBER (The DOCTOR and BELLAL stand immediately inside an entrance chamber in the city. It is perfectly square with bare, off-white walls. Apart from some plain table seats, the only "decoration" are several sinister skeletons dressed in the rags of Exxilon cloaks. Others have been here before and got no further.) BELLAL: Well what did you do? DOCTOR: Well I simply picked out the symbol that appeared to be different and traced its outline on the wall. BELLAL: And that made it slide open? DOCTOR: Well I can't think what else. (The DOCTOR spots one of the skeletons and walks up to examine it.) BELLAL: Can we get out again? DOCTOR: I should think that is extremely unlikely. He didn't get out again, did he? BELLAL: We've walked into a trap! DOCTOR: No, no. No, that doesn't just make sense. (He starts to examine the walls of the room.) BELLAL: But these... (BELLAL points at the skeletons.) BELLAL: Some of them must have been here for centuries. DOCTOR: Yeah, that's right. They got this far then they couldn't pass the next intelligence test. BELLAL: What test? DOCTOR: I'm not sure yet. Logically, there must be one. (He looks at the wall that they came through and the wall on the opposite side of the room. Deciding that that is the obvious place to progress, he walks over and places a hand on the wall. What faintly appeared to be a series of lines starts to glow like the symbols, revealing a vast maze puzzle covering the entire expanse of the wall.) DOCTOR: Ah, yes. Yes, just as I thought - good. Good, splendid, in fact capital! BELLAL: But...I don't understand. This is simply a pattern on the wall. DOCTOR: Oh, no, no. It's much more than that. It's a maze - a test of skill and logic that we have to pass before we can move deeper into the city. BELLAL: And if we fail? DOCTOR: Well then, we shall simply add to these decorations. (He points to the skeletons to BELLAL'S alarm. The little Exxilon joins him and places his own hand on the touch-sensitive wall to enable the DOCTOR to stand back a little and decide the next step.) DOCTOR: Right, let's see what we've got here. Well, there's a point of entry here... (The DOCTOR points to a small square on its own in the immediate top right-hand corner of the maze and then to another in the bottom left-hand corner.) DOCTOR: The exit down there. Now as this wall is touch sensitised, simply by moving my finger along the correct route, it should register success or failure. Alright, well...here goes. (He places his finger on the wall and starts to trace a route...) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. CITY WALL (In the alcove, the DALEKS have examined the symbols and are reaching the same earlier conclusion as the DOCTOR.) FIRST DALEK: Computer eye indicates the symbols provide a simple logic test. We must deduce which symbol does not conform to all others. SECOND DALEK: I will run computer scan. (A signal sound emits from the SECOND DALEK as the first places its sucker arm on one of the symbols.) FIRST DALEK: Key symbol. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. CITY. ENTRANCE CHAMBER (The DOCTOR is continuing through the maze.) DOCTOR: Yes...I think we've got it. (He is on the last few feet of track.) DOCTOR: I think this is it, Bellal. (His finger reaches the exit point.) DOCTOR: Yes - that's it. (He stands up and watches as the door glides upwards...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR (...to reveal a blank corridor. The two step out and start to progress down the corridor and round a corner as the door glides shut behind them. Continuing on, they walk past what appears to be the first true decoration they have found in the city - a trellis wall. They peer round a corner and move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. CITY. ENTRANCE CHAMBER (The door to the outside glides up and the two DALEKS glide into the city. They pay no attention to the skeletons.) FIRST DALEK: Locate next access point. (Their domes swivel round as they look for the next test.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. CITY. FIRST CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and BELLAL turn a corner and move into what appears to be a dead end. Another door glides upwards revealing a long corridor ahead of them. The floor in the middle section of the corridor appears to be covered in a series of red and white triangles and other shapes. The two warily enter the corridor and move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CITY. SECOND CORRIDOR (The door glides shut behind them but they continue onwards. Suddenly the DOCTOR catches sight of the floor and holds BELLAL back.) DOCTOR: Stop - don't move!
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who and Sarah meet up with Bellal? A: Bellal; Q: Who helps the Doctor and Sarah escape from the Daleks? A: the City; Q: What does Bellal explain the origin of? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah meet up with Bellal, who helps them escape from the Daleks and explains the origin of the City.
2.13 - A-Tisket, A-Tasket OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [We see several signs near the gazebo promoting the upcoming Stars Hollow "Bid on a Basket" Fundraiser before we see Lorelai and Rory inside Doose's Market looking at baskets.] LORELAI: So I've decided I'm saving myself for William Holden. RORY: Wow, it's nice out here in left field. LORELAI: Hey, I'm sorry. Sunset Boulevard was on last night, and I don't know I've known him for years – Sabrina, Stalag 17 – and yet last night something snapped. RORY: I'll say. LORELAI: I think it was the monkey scene. RORY: You know he's dead, don't you? LORELAI: The monkey? RORY: William Holden! LORELAI: Ugh, every great relationship has its obstacles. You'd know that if you weren't dating Andy Hardy. RORY: This one? LORELAI: Hm, no. RORY: Why? LORELAI: It's too big, it raises expectations. RORY: Like there's actually a home-cooked lunch in there? LORELAI: Instead of whatever is leftover in our refrigerator - exactly. RORY: Okay, going back on the pile now. LORELAI: Oh, it's quaint, isn't it? The women get to make a nice lunch basket, the men get to bid on it, and the world rotates backwards on its axis. RORY: I think it's fun. LORELAI: That's because you have a pretty boy to bid on your basket. RORY: Yes I do. LORELAI: Did you tell him to eat lunch first? RORY: Hi, I love him, of course. Hey, I'm gonna look in the back. LORELAI: All right, I'll hit the front. [walks up front] Hey Patty. Shopping for baskets? MISS PATTY: Oh please, I bought my basket weeks ago. LORELAI: Always prepared. MISS PATTY: Well, I'm getting that itch again. LORELAI: Oh no, Patty, you don't actually need another husband. MISS PATTY: Well, need – no, but want – that's a different story. Listen darling, do you happen to have change for a dollar? LORELAI: I think so. MISS PATTY: I don't know where my quarters go. LORELAI: Down some guy's g-string, I would expect. MISS PATTY: Oh no, a quarter would be insulting. LORELAI: Here you go. MISS PATTY: Oh, thank you so. . . ugh! [drops something out of her wallet] LORELAI: I got it. [bends down to pick it up] MISS PATTY: Oh no no , that's okay. LORELAI: This is a picture of me. MISS PATTY: It is? LORELAI: Yeah. Why do you have a picture of me in your wallet? MISS PATTY: Oh, uh, well, it's a very nice picture. LORELAI: Thank you. Why do you have a very nice picture of me in your wallet? MISS PATTY: I'm a stalker? LORELAI: Or? MISS PATTY: Or when, in my daily travels, I run across a nice single guy... LORELAI: Oh God! MISS PATTY: I like to have a visual aid to help me with the wonderful buildup I give you. LORELAI: Patty, I appreciate the gesture but I don't need you to try to set me up. MISS PATTY: You're such a beautiful girl and you deserve a nice guy. LORELAI: I'll have a nice guy, but let me find him, okay? MISS PATTY: But you're no good at finding him. LORELAI: Patty. MISS PATTY: Oh, all right. LORELAI: Thank you. I'll keep this if you don't mind. MISS PATTY: Stubborn girl. [cut to Rory in the back looking at baskets. Dean walks up to her] DEAN: Not that one. RORY: You get no say in the basket. DEAN: I have to bid on it. RORY: And you have to eat what's inside it and you get no say in that either. DEAN: Hey. RORY: Yeah? DEAN: Is Taylor behind me? RORY: No. [they kiss; a noise interrupts them] DEAN: What? Taylor? [he turns around to look] Jess. JESS: Sorry to intrude. DEAN: Then why did you? JESS: Well, you're having your vertical From Here to Eternity moment right in front of the super glue. RORY: Oh. JESS: Not that that's not an appropriate place to be doing it in front of but - . DEAN: Here's your glue. JESS: Thanks. As you were. [walks away] DEAN: I really hate that guy. RORY: He didn't do anything. DEAN: He's here, he's breathing, that's enough. RORY: I really wish you two could start over. DEAN: Why? RORY: Because he lives here and we run into him. He goes to school here. I just think it'd be easier. DEAN: I'm fine with the whole hating him thing, thank you. RORY: I just think it's a waste of energy. DEAN: You know, I'll have a PowerBar. RORY: Fine, forget it. DEAN: So, uh, I should probably get back to work. We still on for tonight? RORY: I don't know. I might be baking. DEAN: I'll pick you up at seven. Get that one, it's nice and small. RORY: Bye. [Dean walks away; Jess walks back over and startles Rory] RORY: God! JESS: Sorry. Two for one sale. [opening credits] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is behind the front desk on the phone.] LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking Oh sure. Uh, what dates are you looking at? Hold on one sec. . . Um, would you like a king or a queen size bed? . . . Well, you have your choice. I've got a room with a king size and a room with two queens. . . Uh huh. . Oh, well, do you think you'll make up by then? . . . Ugh. Yikes, well, I would take the room with the two queens. . . Uh huh. . . Uh huh. . . Oh God! Uh, sorry, no, nothing, nothing's wrong. I. . everything's . .yes, great, call me back when you know. Okay. Thank you. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Lorelai walks through the door] LORELAI: So Patty has taken it upon herself to find me a man. SOOKIE: Oh really? LORELAI: Yes. Here in my hand I have the pictures and resumes of the top three contenders. SOOKIE: Anyone good? LORELAI: No, but two of them have run with the bulls. This is so humiliating. I can find my own man. SOOKIE: She just loves you. LORELAI: Yeah, but . . .you know, ew! SOOKIE: Ugh. [Jackson walks in] JACKSON: Sookie? SOOKIE: Jackson, don't look! JACKSON: What? SOOKIE: Cover your eyes! JACKSON: Okay, okay. I'm sorry, now why am I doing this? SOOKIE: Because I'm baking for the picnic tomorrow and it's supposed to be a surprise. JACKSON: Oh sure, never see a pie before an auction, it's bad luck. LORELAI: Okay, uh, you guys talk, I have to go call Patty and stop the forced mating process. I feel like Ling-Ling the panda bear. Oh, hey, one of them's seen Ghostbusters 124 times. Can you say score? [leaves] SOOKIE: Okay, what's up? JACKSON: Well. . . I'm sorry, can I put my hand down? I need to look at you when I talk. SOOKIE: Uh, hold on. Go. JACKSON: I got a call from my landlord today reminding me that my lease is up at the end of this month. SOOKIE: Uh huh. JACKSON: So, of course, he wanted to know whether I was gonna re-up it or not. SOOKIE: Uh huh. JACKSON: But I told him that I had to talk to you first. SOOKIE: Okay. About what? JACKSON: About re-upping my lease. SOOKIE: Mm hmm. JACKSON: So what do you think? SOOKIE: About re-upping your lease? JACKSON: Yes. SOOKIE: Well, you have a very nice kitchen. JACKSON: Yes, I know. SOOKIE: And I like your living room. Though that house across the street has sort of that creepy Miami Beach blue, which means that during the day you really can't look out your window, but at night it's not so bad. JACKSON: Sookie, forget about the house across the street. SOOKIE: Well, if you forget about the house across the street, I don't see why you shouldn't. JACKSON: You don't? SOOKIE: Nope. JACKSON: Oh, okay, fine. Um, I just wanted to check with you first. SOOKIE: Oh, I appreciate that. JACKSON: So, um, I guess I'll go re-up my lease then. SOOKIE: Sounds good. JACKSON: Yeah. Sounds good. CUT TO SIDEWALK [The day of the fundraiser, Lorelai and Rory walk down the street with their baskets] LORELAI: You know what's wonderful about this festival? RORY: No, what? LORELAI: That it always falls on the day after trash day. Therefore, all the stuff that you forgot to throw out that you would normally be stuck with for another whole week, you can instead put in a pretty basket and auction off for charity. RORY: That is wonderful. [Lane runs up behind them] LANE: Okay, I've got it all worked out. RORY: Tell please. LANE: Well, I invited my cousin David to come and bid on my basket, you know, to keep my mother happy. LORELAI: Uh huh. LANE: Then when he gets it, we tell my mom we're gonna go eat over at the park where Henry's gonna call on the pay phone at exactly two o'clock for the ‘all is clear' sigh. Then David, with the twenty bucks I give him, will disappear, Henry will arrive, and we'll finally have out first official date. LORELAI: My head is spinning. LANE: Stash this at Miss Patty's for me, okay? RORY: Don't you need this for David to bid on? LANE: Oh no, my mom packed that one. You know, homemade granola, wheat grass juice, soy chicken taco. LORELAI: Suddenly our lunches are looking pretty good. LANE: This is the Henry basket. I went by Gianelli's and stopped in and picked up a couple of meatball heroes and some chips. I also packed a change of clothes, makeup, makeup remover, and three temporary tattoos. LORELAI: Sure, ‘cause four would be trashy. LANE: I gotta go. I gotta sneak back into my house. Oh, I'm so excited! [leaves] LORELAI: Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn't leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb out the window and down the tree. He fell, broke his leg. Ah, to be young again. CUT TO AUCTION [A crowd is gathered in front of the gazebo filled with baskets. Taylor stands at a podium in front as the auctioneer] TAYLOR: Sold for fifteen dollars to the man in the yellow. Thank you very much. Now the next basket I have here is a lovely green wicker number that would be a charming addition to any room once the lunch is gone. Let's start the bidding at five dollars. Do I hear five? DAVID: Five dollars. TAYLOR: Okay, I have five dollars. Do I hear ten? KIRK: Ten dollars. [Mrs. Kim glares at him] Withdrawn. TAYLOR: Okay, I'm still at five, do I hear ten? Five going once, five going twice, sold to the young man for five dollars. You know what's nice, you can put a couple of extra rolls of toilet paper in there and stick it someplace in the bathroom – decorative and convenient. Now this next one may not look like much ... RORY: Mine. LORELAI: Nice. TAYLOR: ... but remember people – good things come in small packages. LORELAI: How badly does he want to be hosting a game show? RORY: Hm, he can taste it. TAYLOR: Let's start the bidding at three dollars. RORY: Hey! DEAN: Five dollars. TAYLOR: Now that's the kind of bidding we want to hear today. LORELAI: He's good. He's very good. TAYLOR: Five dollars, do I hear ten dollars? JESS: Ten dollars. TAYLOR: Okay, I have ten dollars. Do I have fifteen? JESS: Twenty. TAYLOR: Twenty dollars, do I hear twenty-five? DEAN: Thirty. TAYLOR: Okay, see, you boys don't seem to understand the way this thing works. JESS: Forty dollars. DEAN: Fifty dollars. TAYLOR: Excuse me, have either of you noticed how tiny this thing is? JESS: Seventy-five. TAYLOR: Now we're not talking cents gentlemen, we're talking dollars remember. LORELAI: Uh oh. Dean's hesitating. DEAN: Eighty. RORY: He does not have eighty dollars to spend on that basket. TAYLOR: Eighty? Eighty dollars? JESS: Ninety. TAYLOR: Ninety dollars, is that correct? LORELAI: You know, I don't think he'll have to. TAYLOR: Okay, we've got ninety going once, ninety dollars going twice. . . sold to the nice young hoodlum in the back for ninety dollars. LORELAI: I'm trying to think, uh, in what scenario this situation could be construed as positive. RORY: Well . . . LORELAI: Well, no one's head's on fire. RORY: I better go talk to Dean. LORELAI: Do you want some help? RORY: No, it's okay. I'm just officially not a fan of unpredictability. LORELAI: I totally understand. Good luck. [Rory walks over to Dean as the auction goes on in the background] TAYLOR: Five dollars on this one, do I hear five dollars? MAN: Five! TAYLOR: Five dollars, that's good. Thanks you, how about ten dollars? MAN: I'll go ten! TAYLOR: Ten dollars - let's keep going. Look at the size of this . . . [cut to Rory and Dean talking behind the gazebo] DEAN: I'm gonna kill him. RORY: Dean, he was probably just fooling around or something. DEAN: No, he was messing with me. RORY: I don't - . DEAN: He was messing with me and it's the last time, I swear to God. RORY: Dean, calm down. DEAN: Why would he do this? RORY: Maybe he was hungry. DEAN: He's trying to make me crazy. RORY: Just don't let him. [Jess walks up behind them] JESS: I gotta tell you, of all the nutty barn raising shindigs this town can cook up, this one wasn't half bad. DEAN: Glad you enjoyed it. JESS: Yes I did. So shall we? DEAN: Shall we what? JESS: Shall we go? DEAN: Go where? JESS: Go eat. DEAN: Excuse me? JESS: The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket, basket maker, guy who didn't bring enough money. DEAN: You think this is funny. JESS: Well, it's no Lenny Bruce routine but it has its moments. DEAN: Bye Jess. JESS: Where you going? DEAN: You're the one who's going. JESS: Oh, as soon as Rory is ready. DEAN: She's not going with you. JESS: Really, is that true? DEAN: Yes, it's true. JESS: Excuse me Edgar Bergen, I think I'd like Charlie McCarthy to answer now. DEAN: Shut up. RORY: Dean. DEAN: What? RORY: Well DEAN: Oh, come on! RORY: It's tradition. DEAN: I don't believe this. RORY: It's true. My mother and I have been doing this every year since we moved here. DEAN: So buck tradition. RORY: Are you kidding? Do you remember how mad Taylor was when I was sick and I couldn't go to the turkey-calling contest? DEAN: This isn't school, you're not getting graded. RORY: Just don't make this into a big thing. DEAN: Don't go. JESS: Oh geez man, she's not shipping off to ‘Nam. DEAN: You SO need to shut up now. RORY: Look, Dean, it's a picnic, it's lunch. We'll sit, we'll eat, it's over. DEAN: No. RORY: What do you think's gonna happen? JESS: Yeah, I think I'd like to hear this one also. DEAN: I don't want you to go. RORY: Dean! DEAN: Fine, forget it, go. [walks away] RORY: [follows him] Please don't walk away like that. DEAN: Sorry, I'd do a silly walk but I'm not feeling very John Cleese right now. RORY: Dean, this isn't my fault. I didn't ask him to do that, I didn't tell him to do that. Dean, you're my boyfriend. I would never do anything to hurt you. DEAN: Yeah? You're doing it right now. [walks away] CUT TO AUCTION TAYLOR: Going once, going twice. . .sold for twenty-five dollars! Congratulations. Thank you. Oh Lord, will you look at this? Ladies and gentlemen, now this is a basket. [Sookie mouths to Jackson ‘That's my basket'] TAYLOR: Let's start the bidding on this delicious treat at ten dollars. Do I hear ten dollars? KIRK: Ten dollars. ANDREW: Fifteen dollars. TAYLOR: I have fifteen dollars. KIRK: Twenty dollars. TAYLOR: Twenty dollars, I have twenty dollars. Is that my final offer? KIRK: All right, fine, twenty-five. TAYLOR: Kirk, you just offered twenty, you upped your own bid. SOOKIE: I‘m sorry, can we stop the bidding for just a second? TAYLOR: Sookie, you know the rules. SOOKIE: Yes, but I – . TAYLOR: We have twenty-five dollars. Do I hear thirty? SOOKIE: Jackson. ANDREW: Thirty, if there's pie. TAYLOR: There are no contingencies Andrew. KIRK: Thirty-five. TAYLOR: Andrew? SOOKIE: Jackson? ANDREW: I'm not going any higher without the promise of pie. TAYLOR: Thirty-five going once, thirty-five going twice. . .sold to Kirk for thirty-five dollars. KIRK: Yes, finally! You know, if it hadn't have been for me I could've had it for twenty-five. [Sookie and Jackson walk away from the crowd] SOOKIE: Hey, what is wrong with you? I gave you all the signals. The pointing, the waving, the mouthing ‘That's my basket.' Didn't you see the mouthing? JACKSON: Yes, I saw the mouthing. SOOKIE: Well, why didn't you bid? JACKSON: I don't know. It just didn't feel right. SOOKIE: What are you talking about, it didn't feel right? I made four kinds of pesto and three different desserts. Plus the entire basket is an edible pretzel with a goat cheese filling. JACKSON: Well, I hope Kirk enjoys it. SOOKIE: I don't understand. JACKSON: Oh, come on Sookie. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: I told you that the lease was up on my apartment, and I asked you if you thought that I should renew the lease on my apartment and you said yes! SOOKIE: Do you not like that apartment? JACKSON: No, I love that apartment. It's perfect, the ultimate bachelor pad. It's just big enough for one. SOOKIE: Oh. JACKSON: Only here's the thing. You and I, we've been dating for awhile and I don't know, I thought things were going pretty well. SOOKIE: Things are going really well. JACKSON: Okay, so I had this crazy thought that since things were going really well that maybe it was time to take a step forward. SOOKIE: You wanted to move in together? JACKSON: Well, I at least wanted to consider moving in together. SOOKIE: Oh, uh, I hadn't even thought about it. JACKSON: You hadn't? SOOKIE: Well, no. JACKSON: Oh, my mistake then. I thought we were on the same wavelength. We weren't, no problem, enjoy your lunch. SOOKIE: Jackson, I lied. I have thought about it - a lot. Our bathroom's gonna be pink. I'm sorry. JACKSON: Well, why didn't you say something? SOOKIE: I didn't want to ruin anything. We're doing so well, we have so much fun, it's all working. JACKSON: Why would living together mess all that up? SOOKIE: I don't know. We'd see each other every day. JACKSON: We see each other every day now. SOOKIE: And you'd find out all my annoying little quirks. JACKSON: Hey, I've got annoying quirks too, you know. SOOKIE: I know. JACKSON: What's that supposed to mean? SOOKIE: And you might get sick of me. JACKSON: Or you might get sick of me. SOOKIE: No, that's not gonna happen. JACKSON: Well, if that's not gonna happen, then what's the problem? SOOKIE: The problem is that Kirk is gonna eat my goat cheese basket. JACKSON: Not if I have anything to say about it. [they kiss] How's that for not getting sick of you? Now if you'll excuse me, I got a basket to get. [cut back to auction] TAYLOR: Next up – why, that looks like a Doose's market basket. Nice, huh? LORELAI: Ooh, that's mine. TAYLOR: I'd like to start the bidding at five dollars. GUY 1: I bid five dollars. LORELAI: Whoa, that was quick. GUY 2: Ten dollars. LORELAI: Do they know that all that's in there is two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim? GUY 3: Fifteen dollars. LORELAI: He looks familiar. GUY 1: Twenty dollars. TAYLOR: Twenty dollars. LORELAI: So does he. GUY 2: Twenty-five. TAYLOR: This is going very well gentlemen, keep it up. LORELAI: Oh no. [walks over to Miss Patty] Those are the guys, aren't they? MISS PATTY: Excuse me? LORELAI: The guys whose pictures you sent me - you brought them here! You're setting me up! MISS PATTY: Well darling, you can't be trusted to do it yourself. LORELAI: Oh geez, oh geez! GUY 2: Thirty-five. MISS PATTY: That one's a snorkler. LORELAI: Ugh! [runs away] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai bursts through the door] LORELAI: Luke! Where is he, where is he? I need him! Caesar, where is - agh, agh, thank God. Hey, hey, you gotta come with me. LUKE: What are you doing? Hey hey, I got plates here! LORELAI: Put the burgers down. Caeser, you're in charge. LUKE: Now wait. LORELAI: Do you have money? I need money. Which one opens this thing? Is it that one, not that one. LUKE: Stop messing with that. LORELAI: Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man. LUKE: You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud. LORELAI: You have to come out and bid on my basket. LUKE: Are you serious? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: I have never in my life taken part in one of these crazy group flip outs. I'm not about to start now. LORELAI: But - right now - out there – the -. LUKE: Just buy your own basket. LORELAI: I cannot buy my own basket. LUKE: Why not? LORELAI: Because that is pathetic. LUKE: And chasing me around my diner begging me to buy your basket? LORELAI: Also pathetic. But that is a pathetic I can live with, where that pathetic is a truly pathetic pathetic, and only you can save me from the double pathetic! Please! LUKE: I can't believe I'm doing this. LORELAI: Ha ha! Hurry up. Hurry up! [Lorelai rushes him out the door] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Luke walk up to the crowd] GUY 1: Forty-five fifty. GUY 2: Forty-six. GUY 3: Forty-six fifty. GUY 1: Forty-seven. LORELAI: Go, go on. LUKE: Forty-seven dollars, are you kidding? LORELAI: Luke! GUY 2: Forty-seven fifty! LUKE: For what? Two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim? LORELAI: Okay, you're not getting the whole saving me here thing, are you? LUKE: Fine. Forty-eight. GUY 1: Forty-eight fifty. LUKE: Forty-nine. GUY 2: Forty-nine fifty. LUKE: Uh, fifty-two fifty. GUY 1: What? We're just supposed to go to fifty. LUKE: I have a life. LORELAI: Fifty-two fifty going once! TAYLOR: Hey, hey, that's my job! Fifty-two fifty going once, fifty-two fifty going twice . . . LORELAI: Oh, please God. TAYLOR: Sold for fifty-two fifty. LORELAI: Yes! Ha, ha, sorry guys, don't feel bad. I'm totally into Dungeons and Dragons. You've skated. TAYLOR: And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the basket bidding for today. Victors come claim your prizes and your dates. Let the lunching begin! LORELAI: You rock! LUKE: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. LUKE: So what do we do now? LORELAI: I guess we eat. LUKE: This? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: First I have to buy it, then I have to eat it? LORELAI: Hey, the basket of botulism does come with my company. LUKE: Huh. You don't eat with your mouth open do you? LORELAI: Women don't eat at all. We just look at food and jump on the treadmill. LUKE: All right, let's go. [cut to Rory standing alone as Jess walks up to her] JESS: You know, there's nothing there. RORY: Yes, I know. JESS: You going after him? RORY: Not right now. JESS: So then, shall we? RORY: Fine, come on. CUT TO BENCH [Kirk is going through Sookie's basket as Jackson walks over to him] JACKSON: I've been looking all over for you. KIRK: Any idea what this is? JACKSON: Uh, yeah, it's a pineapple–cranberry chutney. KIRK: Ech. JACKSON: Listen, I'd like to talk to you about this basket. As you know, Sookie made it and since Sookie and I are seeing each other, naturally she assumed that I would bid on it. KIRK: Where are the carrot sticks? Every lunch has carrot sticks. JACKSON: But see, I was a little upset about a fight we had had, and so I didn't bid on the basket. KIRK: I love carrot sticks, especially the crinkle cut kind. JACKSON: However, we just made up and now I'd like to have lunch with Sookie, so. . . I need the basket. KIRK: This is my basket. JACKSON: Yes, but I'd like you to give it to me so that I can have lunch with Sookie. KIRK: I bought this basket. The rules are whoever bids the highest gets to keep the basket. JACKSON: Yeah, I understand the rules but - . KIRK: I bid the highest, I bought the basket, I get the basket. JACKSON: Okay Kirk, I'll pay you for it. I'll give you forty-five dollars, that's ten dollars more than you paid for it. KIRK: No. JACKSON: Okay, fifty dollars. KIRK: No. JACKSON: Kirk, this is insane. I'll buy you another basket. KIRK: I don't need you to buy me another basket. I won this one. You can't just come by and take it away. Just because you have a girlfriend and she made this basket for you doesn't give you the right to bully those of us who don't have girlfriends or anybody to make a basket for them. JACKSON: Well, I wasn't trying to bully you. KIRK: Not this year, not last year, not the year before that. JACKSON: Okay Kirk. KIRK: My mother didn't even make one for me. JACKSON: Oh, that's very sad. KIRK: She made one for all my brothers and sisters but not for me. JACKSON: That's terrible, Kirk. KIRK: Twelve brothers and sisters, the only one without a basket – me. JACKSON: Okay Kirk, what's it gonna take? KIRK: Two hundred and fifty dollars. JACKSON: Kirk, you're kidding me. KIRK: Twelve brothers and sisters. JACKSON: Will you take a check? KIRK: With two forms of ID. JACKSON: I swear, you better be as pathetic as you sound. KIRK: Oh, trust me [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO BENCH [Lane and David sit on a bench in the park] LANE: What time is it? DAVID: Three o'clock. LANE: I don't understand, Henry should've called by now. Give me some change. [walks over to pay phone] Oh my God, it's not working! DAVID: Great, can I have his lunch now? LANE: I'll be right back. CUT TO GAZEBO [Lorelai and Luke sit on the bench] LORELAI: We're supposed to be eating on the ground. LUKE: Says who? LORELAI: Every picture you've ever seen of a picnic shows people eating on the ground. LUKE: Yes, and every time I have seen a picture of people eating on the ground I've thought, what the hell are you people doing sitting on the ground? Spring for some beach chairs, you cheapskates. [Lane runs up into the gazebo] LANE: Hey Lorelai, do you have your cell phone? LORELAI: Yeah, is everything okay hon? LANE: I just need to make a call. LORELAI: Here you go. LANE: I'll be right back. [Lane walks away as Luke stands up] LORELAI: Hey, where are you going? LUKE: I am going to the diner, I am going to get us some edible food and I'm gonna bring it back here for us to eat. LORELAI: That is so not the point of today. I made this. I am insulted. I will now proceed to pout. LUKE: I'll bring back some brownies. LORELAI: Ooh, the pouting has left the building. [cut to Lane on the cell phone] HENRY: Hello? LANE: Hello, Henry? HENRY: Lane, I've been trying to call you. LANE: I know, the pay phone is broken. HENRY: I thought the number was wrong and I didn't know what to do, so I. . . LANE: What, you what? HENRY: I called your house and your mother answered. LANE: What did you say? HENRY: I asked for you and then she asked why, and I said because and she said because why, and I got nervous and tried to sell her a subscription to the Wall Street Journal. LANE: Oh, were you successful? HENRY: Lane. LANE: Sorry, but at least she doesn't know, right? HENRY: I guess not. LANE: Okay, then we're still good. Can you meet me now? HENRY: I don't know. LANE: I know it's later than we planned, but we still have a little time and I saved your lunch from David. HENRY: David? LANE: My cousin, the decoy. HENRY: Oh, right. LANE: So we'll rendezvous where I told you. Just drive by, honk twice, go around the block, and the second time you pass I'll jump in the car. HENRY: Gee, do you even want me to slow down? LANE: Well yeah, of course. I mean, not to a total stop -. HENRY: Lane, I don't think this is gonna work out. LANE: What HENRY: This - you, me. LANE: Are you breaking up with me? HENRY: How can I break up with you? I've never been out with you. LANE: Well yeah, but that's what today was supposed to be, a date. HENRY: A date where we need a secret plan and a two-honk driveby and a decoy cousin? LANE: Well, yeah. HENRY: Lane, I like you but I want to be able to actually pick you up, stop the car, and take you out. And I wanna be able to call you, at your house. LANE: I'm gonna tell my mother, I promise. HENRY: When? LANE: Soon. HENRY: Yeah. Look, I've got prom coming up and my friends and I are gonna rent a limo to take us there and I wanna go, and I wanna take a date. LANE: Well, I'm sure I can figure something out. Maybe Rory can – . HENRY: I asked somebody else. LANE: Oh. HENRY: I'm sorry, I just figured you'd never be able to go and - . LANE: No, it's okay, that's good. You should've asked someone else. HENRY: I do like you Lane. LANE: Okay, well, thank you, I appreciate that. I have to go. HENRY: Lane. CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES [Lane walks up to the house as Mrs. Kim walks out.] MRS. KIM: David came by here fifteen minutes ago, said you ran off somewhere! Where did you run? LANE: Nowhere. MRS. KIM: Who is he? LANE: Who? MRS. KIM: The boy you ran off to see! The one who calls here pretending to work for the Wall Street Journal! LANE: There's no boy. MRS. KIM: You know the rules, no boys! Not unless I approve and I don't approve! LANE: How do you know? MRS. KIM: I know, I know! You're sneaking, you're lying, that means something's wrong with this boy! LANE: There's nothing wrong with this boy. He's perfect and he likes me and I was so afraid to tell you about him that now he's gonna take somebody else to the prom and I blew it! MRS. KIM: You go upstairs right now and calm down! LANE: Fine! MRS. KIM: Now! LANE: Fine! [stomps up the stairs] MRS. KIM: That is not calming down! [cut to Rory and Jess walks towards the bridge] JESS: Where do you wanna eat? RORY: Don't care. JESS: Okay. RORY: Where are you going? JESS: Thought you didn't care. RORY: I'm not jumping in the lake. JESS: No underwater dining, got it. RORY: Now what? JESS: Now we sit. RORY: Here? JESS: Yup. RORY: On the bridge, that's where we're gonna eat? JESS: Yup. RORY: Okay. JESS: Yeah, I like this place. RORY: Wow. A place in Stars Hollow you actually like. I'm stunned. JESS: It's got some good memories. You see right over there? RORY: Yup. JESS: That's where Luke pushed me in. RORY: Huh. JESS: Yeah. RORY: It's nice. JESS: It is. RORY: So why'd you do it? JESS: Do what? RORY: Outbid Dean like that. JESS: I don't know. I guess it started as a joke just to bug him, but then he just got so mad, you know? And he is so tall, and I just was looking at him and he's standing there all tall and mad and I just. . .I don't know. It was. . .it was really funny. RORY: It wasn't funny. JESS: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't intend to do it. Does that make you feel any better? RORY: I just don't wanna be in a fight with Dean. JESS: I'm sorry about that. You wanna push me in the lake? It's cathartic, I hear. RORY: Hm, maybe in a little. JESS: Whatever. So why don't we open this thing? RORY: Go ahead. [Jess opens the picnic basket] JESS: Wow. Not one thing in here that I would remotely consider eating. RORY: Well, I didn't make it for you. I made it for Dean. JESS: And Dean would've eaten this? [holds up a container] RORY: Yes, he would have. [Jess tastes a forkful of the food and makes a face] JESS: Dean is an idiot. RORY: Dean never would've fallen for that. JESS: Ah, ha ha. [cut to Jackson and Sookie sitting on a blanket] SOOKIE: I can't believe he wouldn't take your check. JACKSON: Well, apparently, I don't look like my picture. SOOKIE: He's a loon. JACKSON: Yeah. It's okay. I'm paying him off in weekly installment in crinkle cut carrot sticks. SOOKIE: I'm glad we made up. JACKSON: Yeah, me too. SOOKIE: And you know, if you still wanted to talk about, you know, what we were talking about, we could talk about it now. JACKSON: Hmm, nah. SOOKIE: Excuse me? JACKSON: I don't know. I'm having second thoughts. SOOKIE: You are? JACKSON: Yeah. I mean, living together - big deal, right? SOOKIE: Oh right. Big deal. Who cares? Not me. No siree, Bob. So, I'm sorry, you don't think we should live together anymore? JACKSON: Nope. SOOKIE: Okay. JACKSON: I think we should get married. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: I think we should get married. SOOKIE: But – uh, but. . . JACKSON: Soon. SOOKIE: Are you pregnant? JACKSON: What do you say? Sookie? SOOKIE: Yes! I say yes. Oh my God, we're getting married! You do know that this means we'll have to live together, right? JACKSON: Yes I do. SOOKIE: Okay, good. [Cut to Luke and Lorelai sitting in the gazebo] LORELAI: You know, your burgers actually taste better outside. LUKE: Good. Next time the roof in the diner's leaking, I'll just rip the stupid thing off. LORELAI: So this is nice, huh? Come on, admit it. LUKE: Never. LORELAI: What? Admit it, you would much rather be sitting out here than inside working. LUKE: The diner's probably on fire by now. LORELAI: You are stubborn. LUKE: I'm stubborn? LORELAI: Yeah, you're stubborn. LUKE: You're Miss Flexibility over here? LORELAI: Hey, I can be flexible. LUKE: Please. LORELAI: I can. As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally flexible. LUKE: Ah, well, my mistake. LORELAI: Do you want a fry? LUKE: You want a carrot? LORELAI: Impossible. LUKE: Right back at ya. So let me ask you something. LORELAI: Napkin, please. LUKE: Who did you want to get your basket? LORELAI: What? LUKE: I mean, before you knew Patty was gonna put you on the Dating Game, you did pack this disgusting lunch and bring it out here, so who did you want to get it? LORELAI: Well, last year Roy Wilkins bought it and I got my sprinklers fixed for half price. LUKE: Uh huh. LORELAI: And this year my rain gutters are completely clogged, and I thought if I could get the Collins kid to bite, I'd get that taken care of. LUKE: Very practical. LORELAI: I thought so. LUKE: So the participation in this thing was purely for home improvement reasons? LORELAI: Yes. And I don't know, it's a nice concept. LUKE: What is? LORELAI: Just having someone who you love or have some kind of crazy crush on bid on your basket and then share a romantic lunch, it's a nice concept. LUKE: Well, I'm sure someday you'll manage to find the right guy and drag him out to this thing and make him by your stupid basket and then you'll be sitting out here with him. LORELAI: Yeah, someday. LUKE: You know what? LORELAI: What? LUKE: This is nice. [Dean walks up behind them] DEAN: I have to talk to you. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, okay. I'll be right back. LUKE: I'll be right here. [Lorelai walks out of the gazebo over to Dean] LORELAI: Hey, how're you doing? DEAN: Uh, I'm not great. LORELAI: Aw, Dean, it's just a silly town thing. DEAN: I know, and I've been telling myself that and I tried to go home and forget about it, but I can't. I'm worried about Rory. I don't think she should be hanging out with this guy. LORELAI: Well, I know that today was kind of a. . . DEAN: It's got nothing to do with today. I mean, yes, it has a little to do with today but it's more than that. Ever since I've met him, I've had this feeling that he was bad news. LORELAI: Yes, Jess has a few issues. DEAN: Yeah, one issue is that he's a complete jerk. I mean, he's always getting in fights at school. That is, when he bothers to show up at all. And he's just. . . I don't know. And now this whole thing with Rory, it's like he's always around. LORELAI: You sound jealous. DEAN: I'm not jealous. He just. . . she has to be nice to everyone, you know? LORELAI: I know. But hon, that's Rory. DEAN: Well, he's gonna get her into trouble. I can feel it, I just know it. And he doesn't care about her, he's just using her to drive me crazy. LORELAI: Dean, you love Rory, right? DEAN: Yeah. LORELAI: So, part of love is trust. You just have to trust her. DEAN: I do trust her, it's - . LORELAI: Him, I know. But flying off the handle like this is not gonna get you what you want. She cares about you, she's not gonna do anything to mess things up with you guys. I know this. DEAN: I hope you're right. [cut to Rory and Jess on the bridge] RORY: Ten. JESS: Ten? RORY: Yeah but I didn't understand a word of it, so I had to reread it when I was fifteen. JESS: I've yet to make it through it. RORY: Really? Try it. The Fountainhead is classic. JESS: Yeah, but Ayn Rand is a political nut. RORY: Yeah, but nobody could write a forty page monologue the way that she could. JESS: Okay, tomorrow I will try again, and you will. . . RORY: Give the painful Ernest Hemingway another chance. Yes, I promise. JESS: You know, Ernest only has lovely things to say about you. RORY: Why are you only nice to me? JESS: Excuse me? RORY: An hour ago you were totally screwing with Dean and now you're totally nice to me. JESS: You see, it's the screwing with Dean - that's an important step to getting here so that I can be nice to you. RORY: So it was a plan. JESS: What? RORY: The whole bidding on my basket, it was a plan. JESS: Okay, I'm officially starving. RORY: And officially evasive. JESS: Come on, I'll get you a pizza. RORY: Answer my question. JESS: Do you like pepperoni? RORY: Not going to, are you? JESS: We can just get it on half if you want. RORY: Okay, I give, let's go. JESS: If you insist. [Rory walks away, not realizing her bracelet had fallen off. Jess picks it up and puts it in his pocket.] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting on the couch as Rory walks in the front door] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Oh, hey. Where've you been? I thought Taylor auctioned you off to the highest bidder. RORY: No, I just went to get some pizza and I, uh, wandered around the bookstore for a little while. Here. [hands her a book] LORELAI: What's this? RORY: You said you wanted to read the Children's Hour. LORELAI: I did? RORY: The other night when we were watching Julia, and Jane Fonda was playing Lillian Hellman. LORELAI: Oh yeah, and I made the Hellmann's mayonnaise joke. RORY: Which no one ever needs to hear again. LORELAI: Right, right. Well, thanks. RORY: You're welcome. LORELAI: So who were you with? RORY: What? LORELAI: Pizza, book buying - did you have company? RORY: Oh, yeah. LORELAI: Who? RORY: Um, Jess. LORELAI: Jess? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Right. RORY: So, I'll be in my room. LORELAI: Okay, good. [Lorelai follows Rory into her room] LORELAI: So how was the picnic? RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Good. Did you get the Dean issue resolved? RORY: Not yet. He's coming over later and we're gonna smooth things over hopefully. LORELAI: Aw, yeah, well, smoothing's good. I love the smoothing. So, how was it with Jess? RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Well obviously, the pizza and the books. So good, that's. . .I'm glad. RORY: What? LORELAI: What what? RORY: Well, you look like you have something to say. LORELAI: I have nothing to say. I never have anything to say. RORY: Yes, that is your reputation. LORELAI: It's. . .I don't know. I'm just surprised that you're hanging out with him, that's all. RORY: Why? LORELAI: He doesn't seem like the nicest kid. RORY: Well, you don't know him. LORELAI: No, I guess not. RORY: You're just judging him by that one time that he came over here. LORELAI: Which, by the way, was not a rousing success. RORY: He had just moved here. He was mad at his mom. Trust me, he's got a really good side to him. You'll see it eventually. LORELAI: Good, I can't wait. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: No, well, I'm sorry. It's. . I just, uh, I don't know. From the things I've seen and the things I hear. . . RORY: Like what things? LORELAI: The vandalism, the stealing, the cutting school, the fighting. RORY: How do you know about the fighting? LORELAI: Well, Dean told me. RORY: Dean? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: You've been discussing this with Dean? LORELAI: No, he discussed it with me. RORY: When? LORELAI: Today. Rory, he's really upset about this. RORY: So he went running to my mother? LORELAI: Well, he needed someone to talk to. RORY: Well, he could've talked to me. LORELAI: No, he couldn't ‘cause you were off with Jess. RORY: You're taking his side? LORELAI: I'm not taking sides here, okay? I'm Swiss, babe. RORY: I wasn't off with Jess. I. . .Jess outbid him. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Well, the rule is that if one person outbids someone else, then. . . LORELAI: Rory, this is not about the rule. I know what the rule is. This is about Dean being concerned that you're hanging out with someone who can get you hurt. RORY: How could Jess get me hurt? LORELAI: I don't know, hon. In the short amount of time he's been here, he's managed to make a lot of enemies. RORY: I'm sorry, when did I move to Salem? LORELAI: People are concerned about you, you know? You're young and naïve and you think that everyone has some good inside if you give them a chance. RORY: So you're saying that Jess is no good? LORELAI: I've known guys like Jess. He seems cool because he's got this dangerous vibe and this problem with authority and he's seen a lot of Sylvester Stallone movies. RORY: Oh my God. LORELAI: But guys like this get into trouble which, if you hang out with them, gets you into trouble and I don't want you to get into trouble. RORY: I'm sorry, are we talking about Dean still or are we suddenly talking about you? LORELAI: Hey, I've been there, okay? You haven't. RORY: Been where? I mean, we got pizza, we looked at some books. God, I can't even believe that I'm having this conversation with you. I mean, with you of all people. I mean. . . I don't even want to talk about this anymore. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: No, I'm going for a walk. LORELAI: Uh, Dean is gonna be here any minute. RORY: Well, he probably wants to talk to you anyhow. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner.] EMILY: A cigar club. Can you imagine a more disgusting organization to join? Your grandfather now pays money to sit in an enclosed room with a bunch of other men and blow smoke in each other's faces. Twice a week he comes home smelling like a flophouse. So I finally just confronted him. I said, ‘Richard, I know you're going through a transitional period here and I encourage your trying out new things, but this seems completely out of character for you.' I'm sorry, am I boring you? LORELAI: No, you're not. RORY: Sorry Grandma. EMILY: So how are things at the inn? LORELAI: Fine, the same. EMILY: And Rory, how's that boyfriend of yours? RORY: Apparently very chatty. EMILY: Well that's nice. Lorelai, anything new with you? LORELAI: No, nothing. It's been pretty quiet around the house lately. EMILY: Well, sometimes quiet can be nice. Soothing. You can hear yourself think. All right, what's going on with you too? LORELAI: Nothing. EMILY: It's not nothing. You've both been sitting here all night, not saying a word and not even looking at each other. Are you in a fight? LORELAI: I'm not. RORY: Please. LORELAI: Please what? You are the one who's been freezing me out all week. RORY: I just haven't had anything to say. [her pager goes off] LORELAI: Who is it? RORY: No one. LORELAI: Why won't you tell me who? RORY: ‘Cause it's no one. LORELAI: Is it Jess? RORY: You're kidding, right? EMILY: Jess, who's Jess? LORELAI: No, I'm not kidding. RORY: Why would you automatically assume that it's Jess? LORELAI: Because why won't you tell me who it is? EMILY: Who's Jess? LORELAI: Luke's nephew. RORY: It's not Jess, okay? It's Dean. You wanna read it? Oh wait, no. Dean will probably tell you all about it later. LORELAI: That's not funny. You know, all week you've been - . RORY: We're not getting into this again. EMILY: What? Getting into what? Is it about this Jess the thing you're not getting into again? RORY: You know, you never liked Dean at the beginning. LORELAI: That's because I didn't know him. RORY: And now you don't like Jess? LORELAI: That's because I know him. EMILY: Are you dating Jess? What happened to Dean? RORY: I'm not dating Jess. LORELAI: No, but he's trying to weasel his way in. RORY: He's not trying to weasel his way. EMILY: In where? LORELAI: In Rory's world. He has his eye on her, and he's trouble. RORY: He's not trouble. LORELAI: Yes he is. EMILY: Rory, if your mother thinks this boy isn't appropriate company for you then you need to listen to her. LORELAI: There, thank you Mom. RORY: Excuse me, but I don't feel very hungry right now. [leaves table] CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY [Rory walks in and shuts the door. She sits down, then walks over to the phone and dials] MRS. KIM: Kim's Antiques, we're closed, call tomorrow. RORY: Mrs. Kim, it's Rory. MRS. KIM: It's after nine. RORY: I know. MRS. KIM: Lane can't talk after nine. RORY: Mrs. Kim, I promise I will never again call Lane after nine, but can I please just talk to her now? Just this once? MRS. KIM: Okay, just this once. RORY: Thank you. [Mrs. Kim walks up to Lane's room] MRS. KIM: Lane? LANE: What? MRS. KIM: Phone. LANE: But it's after nine. MRS. KIM: It's okay, it's Rory. LANE: I don't want to talk right now. MRS. KIM: Rory? RORY: Yes? MRS. KIM: Lane's not feeling well, she needs to call you tomorrow. RORY: Oh, okay. Um, thanks anyhow. MRS. KIM: Yes, goodbye. [hangs up] Lane! [she walks into Lane's room] MRS. KIM: It's early for you to be in bed. LANE: I'm tired. MRS. KIM: Come downstairs and have some tea. LANE: No, thank you. MRS. KIM: I know you're upset but I have these rules for a reason. I'm your mother, I know what's best for you. LANE: Can we talk about this tomorrow please? MRS. KIM: You see, this is exactly why I make these rules. You're too young, too vulnerable. American boys have different values, they don't understand respect, you get hurt. I do all of this so you don't get hurt and now here you are hurt. I don't like this, I don't like this at all. Who is he, this boy who hurt you? LANE: Henry Cho. MRS. KIM: Cho? LANE: Yes. MRS. KIM: Cho sounds Korean. LANE: It is Korean. MRS. KIM: He was Korean? LANE: Yes, and he was smart and wonderful and cute. MRS. KIM: And – and you're sure he was Korean? LANE: He's gonna be a doctor, he goes to church, he's a counselor at Bible camp, and he liked me. MRS. KIM: A doctor. LANE: I'm so stupid. I should've just told you and I didn't and now he's gone and I'm just stupid. MRS. KIM: Maybe I can call his mother. LANE: I don't want to talk about this anymore. MRS. KIM: You're sure he was Korean? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Emily sit at the table] LORELAI: I swear Mom, there's just something about that kid that. . .ugh, I don't know. And I hate it because he's Luke's nephew and Rory likes him but. . . EMILY: You are her mother Lorelai. You must set boundaries and restrictions, it's your job. LORELAI: I wanted to like him but I just couldn't, and Rory can't see it. EMILY: Well, she's young. LORELAI: And she won't take my word for it. EMILY: Well, she's young. LORELAI: I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm overreacting. EMILY: Lorelai, listen to me. Now I don't say this to you very often, but on this matter I happen to agree with you one hundred percent. LORELAI: Gee, thanks Mom. EMILY: I know Rory's a good girl, but good girls can go bad with the wrong influences. We all know that. LORELAI: Oh no no, I don't think Rory's actually gonna go bad. EMILY: Don't back down Lorelai. You took a stand and you are completely in the right here. You absolutely must keep her from that boy. If you need to change her curfew, lock her up, throw away the key, whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't go astray - you do it. Her judgment cannot be trusted here. She's a young girl and knows nothing. You are her eyes and her ears and her brain for as long as it takes to make sure she doesn't make any ridiculous choices in her life. LORELAI: Yeah. Would you excuse me for a sec? CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY [Lorelai pushes open the door] LORELAI: Hey, can I come in? RORY: It's not my house, I can't stop you. LORELAI: Just listen to me for one second okay? No sighing, just let me talk. RORY: Go ahead. LORELAI: I don't wanna lock you up and throw away the key. RORY: Well good. LORELAI: Your judgment means something, especially to me. I can't be your eyes and your ears and your brain. RORY: I'm trying really hard to connect the dots here. LORELAI: I got spooked. I know it violates the fabulous cool mom clause we're supposed to have going but I did and I'm sorry. RORY: It's okay. LORELAI: Now, I am concerned about Jess. RORY: Well, you shouldn't be. LORELAI: But I am. However, you are a smart girl, you're a good judge of character, and the fact that he seems to like you gives him a couple of brownie points. You're not a little kid. I don't actually think you ever were a little kid. RORY: I was, for about a month. LORELAI: If you think he's a decent guy, I have to respect your judgment. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: But I'm asking you to be careful. RORY: I will. LORELAI: Really careful. RORY: I will. LORELAI: ‘Boy in the plastic bubble' kind of careful. RORY: I promise. LORELAI: And you have to cut Dean some slack. He's so crazy about you. He didn't mean anything by coming to me. He just wigged. RORY: I know. LORELAI: So, fight over? RORY: Fight over. LORELAI: Good. RORY: You still don't look okay. LORELAI: Oh, well, my mother agreed with me tonight. RORY: I'm so sorry. LORELAI: Thank you, I appreciate that. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Later that night, Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door.] LORELAI: I need a shower. RORY: Don't be so dramatic. LORELAI: ‘I agree with you a hundred percent.' Ugh! RORY: Go upstairs. LORELAI: Find a movie, I'll be down in a minute. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: ‘I agree with you a hundred percent.' I may have to shave my head also. RORY: Bye. [Rory takes the phone into her room and dials a number] JESS: Hello? RORY: Hi. JESS: Hi. RORY: What are you doing? JESS: Nothing, you? RORY: Nothing. JESS: Why'd you call? RORY: I . . um, I wanted to. . . JESS: I'm glad you called. RORY: Yeah? JESS: Yeah. RORY: Why? JESS: Because maybe you can explain what the hell this crazy woman is talking about. RORY: Ah, The Fountainhead. JESS: Yes. Your fault, and you will pay. RORY: I promise. Commit to it one more time and if it still is awful for you, I will make it up to you. JESS: Oh yeah? RORY: Yeah. JESS: Okay. I'm gonna hold you to that.
Plan: A: The annual Stars Hollow charity picnic basket lunch auction; Q: What sparks controversies among couples throughout town? A: Rory's basket; Q: What basket did Dean and Jess quarrel over? A: tradition; Q: What does Rory abide by when it comes to sharing a lunch with Jess? A: Sookie's basket; Q: What basket does Jackson refuse to bid on? A: Luke; Q: Who bids on Lorelai's basket? A: Lorelai; Q: Who apologizes to her daughter after Emily agrees with her distrust of Jess? A: Lorelai's rescue; Q: What does Luke come to? A: the diner; Q: Where does Luke feed Lorelai and Luke? A: Miss Patty; Q: Who sets Lorelai up with a trio of unsuitable bidders? A: Henry; Q: Who tires of the end runs around Mrs. Kim? A: Lane; Q: Who does Henry break up with after running around Mrs. Kim? A: the bracelet; Q: What did Dean give Rory? A: things; Q: What do Sookie and Jackson work out so well that he proposes and she accepts? A: her mother; Q: Who did Rory find out was sympathetic to Dean's concerns about Jess? A: a sympathetic ear; Q: What did Lorelai lend to Dean's concerns about Jess? A: her daughter; Q: Who does Lorelai apologize to after she realizes she was wrong about Jess? Summary: The annual Stars Hollow charity picnic basket lunch auction sparks controversies among couples throughout town; Jess outbids Dean for Rory's basket, causing Dean and Rory to quarrel when Rory abides by tradition and shares the lunch with Jess; Jackson refuses to bid on Sookie's basket after she leads him to believe that she doesn't want to move in together; Luke comes to Lorelai's rescue, bids on her basket, and feeds them both at the diner after Miss Patty sets Lorelai up with a trio of unsuitable bidders; Henry tires of the end runs around Mrs. Kim, and calls it quits with Lane; Rory and Jess hit it off at lunch and Jess leaves with a secret souvenir -- the bracelet that Dean gave Rory, which he picks it up and holds on to after Rory drops it; Sookie and Jackson work things out so well that he proposes and she accepts; Lorelai and Rory quarrel when Rory finds out that her mother lent a sympathetic ear to Dean's concerns about Jess; after Emily agrees with her daughter's distrust of Jess, Lorelai realizes that they're both wrong, and apologizes to her daughter.
[Scene: Interior of Joey's House. Pace and Joey are there and have been going through the lines of his play together] Pacey: Tomorrow night will be your night. We'll do whatever you want. Joey: Something wild, insane, and crazy? Pacey: I promise. Joey: Like what? Pacey: Like I'll come home from work early and we'll wallpaper each other. Joey: No way. Sorry, we're done. Pacey: We can't stop now. I don't know this stuff at all. Joey: Sorry, master thespian, but the whole next page consists solely of cooing, tickling, and lap-sitting, 3 things definitely not in my range as an actress. Pacey: Ok. Let me tell you, you're gonna be sorry tomorrow night when I get up on that stage, panic, draw a complete blank, then just start ad-libbing obscenities to the crowd. Joey: Actually, Pacey, I kind of thought I'd go on Saturday. Pacey: Saturday? Joey: Yeah. Pacey: No, no, you don't want to come on Saturday. You gotta come on Friday. It's opening night. Much better chance you'll get to witness some amusing disaster. You know, like scenery falling on my head, or perhaps my co-star hyperventilating from one of my intoxicating stage kisses Joey: Yeah, you're known for those. Pacey: So what do you say? Front row center? Joey: I can't. I kind of have this thing I have to do on Friday night. Pacey: What thing? Joey: It's just this thing. This guy. Pacey: What guy? Joey: A.J. Pacey: College guy? Joey: He's coming out to the cape for a party, and he invited me to go with him. Pacey: You're going to a frat party? Joey: He's not that kind of a college guy, Pacey. Have you ever heard of the aurora borealis? Pacey: The northern lights? Joey: Yes. Pacey: Yeah, I've heard of 'em. I mean, I may not be Ivy league material, but if you give me a road map and a remote control, I can probably find my way to the discovery channel and back. Joey: Yeah, well, there're like 10 nights out of the year when you can actually see the northern lights from this part of the world, and tomorrow may be one of them. And if you factor in the recent sunspot activity-- Pacey: Northern lights, my ass. This guy is obviously just trying to separate you from the Potter pantalonees. Joey: Pacey, read a newspaper once in a while. You cannot fake geomagnetic activity. Pacey: Oh, yeah, you can. Sure you can! You can fake anything! Especially if you're some Ivy League egghead, and it's all part of some grand astronomical make-out scam. I'm talking as the voice of reason here, ok? I mean, come on, the chances of the northern lights appearing in the night sky above Capeside are about as good as the chances of me acquitting myself with distinction on that stage tomorrow night. Joey: Yeah, well, call me crazy, but I'll take those odds any day. (Opening Credits) [Scene: Outside School. Joey and Dawson are walking along the sidewalk and talking to each other] Dawson: So, what do you think? Joey: What do I think? Dawson: Yeah. Joey: I think you're going to be pretty bored in study hall, Dawson. Dawson: Well, it could be a very interesting opportunity, to study some human behavior. At least until I figure out what my move is going to be. Joey: Just don't go joining the yearbook, ok? I mean, it's bad enough that Pacey's doing this whole play thing. Dawson: That's right. Tonight's opening night, isn't it? Joey: Yeah... [Nicki comes storming up to them] Nicki: You dropped film class? Are you insane? Joey: Mm... I can tell you guys have a lot to discuss. So, I'll see you later. Dawson: Ok. [Joey leaves Dawson and Nicki alone.] Nicki: This doesn't have anything to do with the film festival. Does it? Dawson: No, it doesn't. I just--I need to walk away for a little while. You know? Recharge my batteries. Nicki: Well, the least you could have done was given me a heads-up. We're partners, Dawson. And in 3 days we're supposed to stand in front of our entire class and pitch a feature film. Dawson: Nikki, I'm sure Mr. Jordan will be more than happy to give you an extension and get you a new partner. Nicki: I don't want another partner. I want you. Dawson: Who are you kidding? You've probably got the entire assignment done already. Nicki: Well, yeah, but I was gonna ask for your ideas. Dawson: When you did, you would have realize that I don't have any. Nicki: You don't have any ideas? Dawson, you are the most creative person in the class. Dawson: See, that's where you'd be wrong, because, as of 8:15, I'm now the most creative person not in the class. [Scene: Behind the set of the play. Pacey and his leading actress are trying to run through some lines. Andie is running around wildly in the background.] Actress: How are we supposed to go up tonight if you keep forgetting your lines? Pacey: I know the lines, ok? It's just that I got a bit of recall delay, that's all. Andie: Where's Mr. Broderick? Our play is falling apart at the seams! Pacey, just take it from the top. Pacey: Sure thing, boss. What's the top again? Andie: You entrance. Pacey: Entrance. Right. Jack: Hey. Andie. Andie: Not now, Jack. We're trying to do this line read-through, but Pacey has conveniently chosen to leave his memory at home. Jack: Yeah, well, about 30 minutes ago in English class, it, uh, Mr. Broderick... Andie: What? Jack: Just come with me. Come on. Come on. [Scene: Nurse's office. Mr. Broderick is lying on a caot with a towel on his forehead. Jack and Andie come up to his bedside.] Mr. Broderick: The nurse thinks it's a kidney stone. My wife's picking me up in 5 minutes. Andie: No, no, no. The play's going up in less than 8 hours. Mr. Broderick: I'm sorry Andie. I'm not gonna make it there. You're gonna have to take my place. Andie: Uh, no, you don't understand. See, I have, um, tickets to sell and the after-party to set up. I can't do everything by myself! Jack: I can do the tickets and the after-party. Mr. Broderick: There you go. Jack'll help you. I have faith in you, Andie. I mean, who am I kidding? It's been your show all along. This is your night. Here. Andie: Your director's binder? Mr. Broderick: It's yours now. And, as the house lights fall over that magic place we call the theater, all I pause for a fleeting moment... And think of me. [Scene: Inside the school halways. Jen is trying to get Henry's attention, but he is some distance away. She runs after him.] Jen: Henry! Hey, wait, Parker! Parker, wait up! Hi, henry. [She eventually runs into him outside the school doors.] Henry: Jen... Jen: Ok, why are you avoiding me? Henry: Why are you canceling on dinner tonight? Jen: What makes you think at I'm canceling? Henry: Ever since you agreed to this little... Dare I call it "date," you don't even make eye contact with me in the hallway. It's like you got this giant blind spot in exactly my shape and size. Jen: Ok, don't you think that maybe you're just being a little bit paranoid? Henry: Are you or are you not canceling our date? Jen: I'm not canceling anything. Henry: You're not? Jen: No. No, I'm...just postponing. Look, see, it's Pacey's opening night, and I just figured that maybe I should be there to support him. Henry: So that's all this is about, the play? Jen: Yeah, yeah, that's what all this is about. Henry: Great. Jen: What do you mean, great? Henry: I'll go with you... To the play. What time's curtain? Jen: 7:00. Henry: 7:00. All right, I'll be there. I mean, if that' all right with you. Jen: Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. Henry: Ok. [Scene: Joey's bedroom. Bessie and Joey are there sitting on her bed talking.] Joey: Don't even think about coming near me with that medieval torture device. [Knock at the door] Joey: That can't be him. Bessie: Just relax. Let Bodie get it. And finish telling me how I'm not supposed to worry about you going out with some much older guy. Joey: He's not that old, Bessie. He's like 19. [Knock knock at bedroom door. Bessie opens the door to see Pacey at it. She then slams the door back in his face.] Bessie: Well, it's a boy. Just not the one we expected. [ She opens the door again, and lets him in and then leaves.] Pacey: Ok. So I tanked. I did. I completely tanked. Joey: Call down, Pacey, you're just nervous. Pacey: Oh, no, no, no this is way beyond nervous. Do you know that read-through I had today? I couldn't remember a single line. Joey: I don't know why you're psyching yourself out like this. You know the play, Pacey. We went through it 2 nights ago. Pacey: No, I know the play when I'm running it with you. When I got to do it with actual man beings, nothing. Joey: I know I suck for not being there. I'm sorry. Pacey: You do suck for not being there, don't you? But listen, I'm gonna give you the opportunity to get back in my good books, ok? There's still the after-party I told you about. And, now don't say no too quickly, because you're definitely gonna need a shoulder to cry on after this whole northern lights thing doesn't work out. Joey: [Laughs] Ok, I'll try, but don't count on it, all right? Current geomagnetic conditions are extremely favorable for auroral activity, actually. Pacey: Where did all this scientific mumbo-jumbo come from? I thought this A.J. Dude was a poetry geek. Joey: He's interested in more than just that. He's a renaissance man. Pacey: Fantastic. He can bore you in 7 languages. Joey: No, just 3, actually. English, French, and Latin. Pacey: Latin? Joey: Mm-hmm! Pacey: Who speaks Latin? I mean, like Spanish, now, that's the foreign language of the people. But, Latin that's a dead language. [Bessie open the door to her bedroom.] Bessie: He's here. Joey: Ok, thank you. Pacey: It's not too late to bail, ok? Believe me. Joey: Why would I want to do that, Pacey? Pacey: Because this guy's an operator, ok? I can tell. I mean, you know, the first thing he's gonna do when he comes through that door, is he's gonna pay you some lame compliment about how incredible you look tonight. [They start to leave the room and walk toward the living room.] Joey: Pacey. Pacey: I'm looking out for you. And then he'll try something cute, like a negligible but not entirely insignificant amount of physical contact, you know what I mean? Like helping you on with your coat. Mm-hmm. Joey: It's called being a gentleman, Pacey. I'm surprised you've heard of it. Pacey: And this party he's supposedly taking you to? I bet it doesn't even exist. And if it does exist, I will lay you money that our boy wonder over there seizes the first possible opportunity to get you alone. [She stops before getting to the livingroom] Joey: Stay. [She leaves pacey in the hallway, and goes to meet AJ.] AJ: Hey. Joey: Hey . AJ: You look, uh, you look amazing. Joey: I should get my coat. AJ: Let me help you with that. Pacey: Hey. Joey: Thank you. [Scene: Outside of the party. Joey and AJ are walking by the waterfront, talking.] Joey: Hey, thank you. So, who are all these people? AJ: Well, the guy who owns the place is a mathematician. Once upon a time, he was my mentor. Joey: And everybody else? AJ: Grad Students, mostly. Some astrophysicists and other left-leaning impoverished academics. Can't you tell? Joey: And how would I tell? AJ: Well, the cheap haircuts, and the unfortunate fashion sense. [Takes a sip of his drink, then spills it out] The pretentious taste in beverages. It's mead. It's what Beowulf drank before he slew Grendel. [Joey goes to take a sip, and he stops her, then pours hers out as well] You know, I wouldn't it's... Joey: Can't I have some? AJ: No, it's alcoholic. Joey: Ah. I thought that's what college guys lived for. AJ: What? Joey: Opportunities to get high school girls all liquored up. AJ: Well, only ones with very little imagination. Alcohol isn't exactly the most sophisticated way to seduce a girl. I mean, there are better ways to go about it. N-not that I mean-- we, or anything-- I mean, not-- that that was just.. Joey: Where is everyone going? AJ: Oh... Cloud cover. Viewing conditions aren't exactly clear. Joey: Does that me no lights? AJ: No, not necessarily. It could clear up before midnight. Joey: Midnight. AJ: Yeah, for some unknown reason, midnight-- astronomical midnight, to be exact-- is the best time for viewing auroral displays. Joey: So that means we have quite a wait in store for us. AJ: You're not gonna turn into a pumpkin if I keep you out that late, are you? Joey: No. But I might freeze to death, so, uh...Maybe we should go inside. . And mingle with those astrophysicists. AJ: Let's take a walk first. Do you want to? Joey: Sure. [Scene: Outside the theater. Jack is handing out play bills at the door. Dawson is getting a bill when Andie walks up] Andie: Oh, Dawson, there you are. Where's Pacey? Dawson: Uh, as his director, shouldn't you have a better idea of that than I do? Andie: Oh! Jack: What's going on? Andie: Um, well, it's only 20 minutes till curtain call, and my lead is nowhere to be found. Jack: I could swear I saw him come in earlier. Andie: Ok, so he's gotta be around here somewhere, right? Dawson: I'll go look for him. Andie: Ok, Dawson, don't look, just find. Please? And tell him not to worry. I'm not gonna kill him. Till after the show. [Scene: Inside the Gymnasium. Pacey is shooting some baskets when Dawson walks in just as he makes a shot, and Dawson begins clapping.] Pacey: How'd you find me? Dawson: I have the misfortune of knowing how your brain works. Pacey: Yeah. You know, I seem to recall that the last time you and I were on a basketball court together, I ended up getting my nose broken, didn't I? Dawson: Pacey, we don't have time for this. You've got a show to do. Pacey: Oh, just a couple more, you know? It helps. It's part of the whole acting process. Dawson: So what are you so nervous about? It's not like you've never acted before. Pacey: Yeah. How many times did it take me to actually get that sea creature thing right? Dawson: Good point. Pacey: And at that point, how many people were watching me? And for that matter, how many ex-girlfriends were there, counting on me to do a good job? Dawson: Let me ask you this. Acting--you like it? You having fun? Pacey: Well, I kind of got blackmailed into the whole thing, but... Yeah, I have to say it's been fun. Actually, it's been a blast. Dawson: So then go out on stage tonight and have a blast. It's all that matters man. Find what you love to do and do it. Pacey: This is coming from a guy who just gave up his life's passion to hang out with the underachievers in fourth period study hall, right? Dawson: I didn't give it up. I just decided to spread it around a little bit. Pacey: When did you become all Zen? I thought you of all people would be freaking out big time right now. Dawson: Why? Pacey: Well, I don't know. Maybe because of Joey's big date with college guy. Dawson: I really suck at this game. All right. Come on, Olivier, your public awaits. Pacey: What if this guy is some big s*x maniac? Dawson: Joey's a big girl. I'm sure she can take care of herself. Pacey: Take care of herself? That's all you got to say about this? We're talking about Josephine Potter, the girl whose destiny intrinsically linked to your own. Dawson: Had to happen eventually. You said that yourself. Let's go. Pacey: [to himself] Oh, please. Oh, please. Oh, please. [Scene: inside the theater. Jen is looking at the entrance, when Henry enters.] Jen: Hey--Henry Henry: Hey, I thought we were gonna meet out in front. Jen: Oh, I thought that whoever got here first was supposed to save seats, so I did. Henry, I'd like you to meet my Grams. Henry: Your grandmother? Jen: Grams, this is Henry Parker. Grams: Oh, well, what a pleasant surprise. I've heard so much about you. Henry: Nice to meet you. Grams: [To Jen] Jennifer, why didn't you tell me Henry was coming? I would have gladly stayed at home so that you two could be alone. Jen: You know what? It looks like the show's starting. We should take our seats. [Scene: the play going on from behind stage.] Actor: So, how long did you say you'd been married? Actress: 6 days. Actor: He won't notice the place is empty till June. Well, Eldorado 58191, have a nice marriage. Andie: Dawn, we've got to get you buttoned. Ok, you look great. Don't be nervous. Pacey: Andie. Andie: Pacey, no! How could you do this to me? I sent your understudy into makeup 15 minutes ago. Pacey: That's good. I think he should stay there, 'cause, Andie, I can't do this. Andie: What? You can. Come here. You know what? I gave up on you knowing this word for word a long time ago. So you're just gonna get the general gist of it, and you are gonna be fine! Ok? Come on, let's go! Go, you're up! Pacey: I don't know... Andie: Come on. come on! Oh, wait. No, no, no, no! The suitcase! Ok, go! [On Stage. Pacey enters, the actress is there waiting. She Kisses him.] Actress: Oh, Paul, darling! Well? Say something! [Pacey looks out into the audience, and is very nervous. But eventually, be breaks free. Out of breath he says.] Pacey: It's 6 flights! Did you know that it's 6 flights? [audience laughs] Actress: It isn't, it's 5. Pacey: What about that big thing hanging... [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene:] Joey: So you're saying that there's hope for me? AJ: I'm just saying I wouldn't let my family's finances limit my dream. You think you want to go to an Ivy league school? Joey: I don't know. I just know that if I don't try, then I'll always wonder. AJ: Wonder what? Joey: Well, if I'm good enough. Smart enough to... To do something really important with my life. AJ: You sound pretty driven. Joey: Yeah. Driven by fear of failure. AJ: You know, I think maybe sometimes that happens to girls who lose their mothers when they're really young. They're really driven to succeed. Joey: Like Madona? AJ: Well, I was thinking more along the lines of the Bronte sisters, but... ? Joey: For a while I..I...I thought I liked art. AJ: But now you don't anymore? Joey: No, it... I do. It's I don't know... it's like there's this person that you want to be for other people, you know, and to make them happy and to make them proud of you. And--and then there's yourself. And... Sometimes it's really hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. Does that make sense? AJ: Yeah...Completely. You know, in medieval Europe, they used to think the northern lights were spirits of dead warriors. Joey: And now? AJ: Well, now we know that they're just charged particles of the sun interacting with the earth's upper atmosphere. Joey: Charged particles. Not too romantic. AJ: Think about it from the particles' point of view. Inexplicably drawn to something. Unable to resist. [AJ goes in for a kiss] Joey: Um, you know I just remembered that I'm supposed to meet someone, somewhere. AJ: Now? Joey: Yeah. Can we go? AJ: Yeah, sure. Joey: Yeah. [Scene: The Play. Pacey is standing on top of a tall window sill. And the play is still going on.] Pacey: I'll come down when you've said it again, loud and clear. Actress: What? Anything, Paul. Pacey: Paul Bratter... Actress: Paul Bratter... Pacey: Rising young attorney... Actress: [Cries out] Rising young attorney.. Pacey: Is a lousy, stinking drunk. Actress: Is a lousy, stinking drunk. And I love him. Pacey: I love you, too, Corie. I mean, even when I didn't like your tv I loved you. Actress: Then please come down, darling. Please. [applause] [Scene: The After-party, and the place is packed. Jack brings a bunch of flowers up to Andie.] Jack: [clears throat] For you. Andie: Oh! You shouldn't have! Jack: If you don't want 'em, that's ok. Andie: No, not so fast. I cannot believe that you did this in one afternoon, Jack. I mean, it's it's amazing. Jack: Come on, you're the amazing one, sis. And one word about how my people excel at decorating... You're dead. Andie: Ok. [Jen walks up to them with Henry and Grams in tow.] Jen: Hey, congratulations. Andie: Oh, thank you so much! [Jen is a little nervous and then notices Pacey at the bar alone. The nto Henry and Grams, says.] Jen: You know, if you guys want to grab some punch or something, I'm...I'm just gonna be right back. [She goes over to Pacey.] Jen: Hey, hey, good-lookin' Pacey: Now, you better watch out. I think Grams is moving in on your date. Jen: And I think that you better stick to comedy that's scripted. Pacey: Fair enough. Thanks for coming tonight. Jen: Wouldn't have missed it for the world. Opening night, packed house. Pacey: And not a Witter in attendance. Surprise. But Dawson's here. Jen: Yeah, I saw him. Pacey: And Jack. Jen: That he is. Pacey: And of course you. Jen: Yes, I am. Pacey: Yes. Jen: But you know who's not here? Pacey: Uh, the critic from the Capeside Clarion? Jen: Joey. Pacey: Yeah, she couldn't make it. You know, big date. Jen: It's too bad. She missed a great show. And an incredible leading man. Pacey: Well, thank you muchly. Jen: Of course, you hardly noticed. Pacey: Hardly. Barely missed her. [Joey walks up from behind them.] Joey: Missed who? Pacey: Nobody. [Scene: At a table. Dawson and Nicki are there talking.] Nicki: I come bearing crudite Dawson: Well, thank you. I think. Nicki: You know, Dawson, I think you're taking this whole... Precocious teenager thing a bit too far. I mean, people shouldn't disalusioned and give up the biz until they're at least, I don't know, 25. Dawson: It's not that big a deal. All I'm doing is dropping an elective. Nicki: Film. You dropped film. I thought that was who you are. Dawson: It's part of who I am. Remember at your house. When you were talking about how there's so many different things to be passionate about? Nicki: Sure. Dawson: Well, when I got home that day, I took all the movie posters off my walls. Every last one. There's this image that I keep on coming back to. I'm 10 years old. My parents have taken me to see Jurassic Park. I'm sitting there, fourth row center, popcorn in lap, flanked by mom and dad. And these 2 teenagers walk in. A guy and a girl. Probably about our age. They sit in front of us, and they proceed to make out throughout the entire movie. And I remember sitting there, just being shocked that anyone would rather kiss than watch this miraculous fantasy unfold onscreen. And at one-- at one point, I actually tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked him If he wouldn't mind keeping it down. And he looked at me like... "Look, one day, kid, you'll get it." And here I am, all these years later. And I'm still not the kid who goes to the movie theater just to make out. And I'm not the kid who sat between his parents anymore. I'm this third person who's so busy analyzing everything that I can't enjoy anything. I mean, the other 2 guys, at least they were having fun. I'm...just not anymore. And that's why I dropped film. Nicki: So...Uh...Where are you gonna look for this joy you once had but have now lost? Dawson: I have absolutely no idea. Any suggestions? Nicki: Where were you when you had it last? [Scene: Joey and Pacey talking at the bar.] Joey: So you're a huge hit. See, I told you everything would work out, Pacey. Pacey: What are you doing here? Renaissance man bail on you? Joey: No. It was just that it was getting late, and the clouds were moving in, and once it's over cast, there's really no chance of actually seeing the northern lights from this latitude. And plus, it was getting cold. So we just decided that Pacey: He kissed you, didn't he? Joey: What makes you say that? Pacey: He have to be a moron not to. And your lipstick is smeared all over your face. Joey: That's what I get for letting Bessie talk me into very berry, I guess. Pacey: So are you gonna see this guy again? Joey: I don't know. I mean, what's the point? I mean, he's older than me, he's--he's smarter than me. And he lives far away. A very not insignificant problem, seeing as how I can't even drive yet. How could I ever feel about him The way that I... Pacey: Feel about Dawson. Joey: No, I was--I was actually going to say "felt." Pacey: You want to know something, Miss Josephine Potter? I think the world may just surprise you yet. I mean, you fall in love and it doesn't work out, and you think that it'll never happen again, but it does. Believe me, it does, in the strangest of places. Joey: What makes you such an expert, Pacey? Pacey: Well, I'm an actor. You know, a poor player, strutting and fretting and all the rest of that Shakespearean stuff. And as such, it is my job to understand the sophisticated inner workings of the human heart. Joey: I think I liked you better when you were brooding and defeatist. [Pacey looks over Joey's shoulder and notices AJ has walked in, and is looking around.] Pacey: Uh-huh. Joey: What? Pacey: Well, I think your date may not be over so soon after all. ah, go on. You know you want to. Joey: Ok. Thanks. [Scene: There is a comotion. And everyone is looking up into the rafters. Henry is up there yelling down to Jen.] Henry: Jen! Jen: Henry, what the hell? Crowd: [Crowd murmurs excitedly] There's someone in the rafters. He's crazy. He could fall. Henry: Jen. Jen: Henry, get down. Henry: No. Jen: I'm not kidding. Get down from there. Henry: I'll come down when you say it loud and clear. Jen: What? Say what? Henry: I, Jen Lindley... Jen: I, Jen Lindley... Henry: Am embarrassed to be here on a date with Henry Parker. Jen: Am embarrassed to be here on a date with Henry Parker. Now get down. Henry: I've ignored him... Jen: I've ignored him... Henry: Taken him for granted... Jen: Taken him for granted... Henry: And spent the last 5 months of my life making him miserable, all to disguise the horrifying fact. That I like him. Jen: Henry, get down. Henry: Could someone get a ladder? [Scene: Joey and AJ talking with each other.] Joey: What made you come back? AJ: Uh, I never left. Since I dropped you off, I've been sitting in the parking lot. Thinking about how... When someone says something you don't understand, you're suddenly faced with this rather limited window of opportunity in which you can ask the person to explain what they meant, or spend the rest of your life pretending you understood them. I just thought I'd reopen the window. Did I do something wrong? Joey: No, uh, A.J., I kind of panicked. And, you know that thing called grace under pressure? Well, I don't really have it, not even a smidge. AJ: Joey, it was just a kiss. It wasn't the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Joey: When you kissed me, I suddenly realized that I was standing there with this person who, you know, has skipped about a zillion grades and knows everything about everything, and I knew that the minute that you stopped kissing me, you would realize that you'd made terrible mistake, because AJ: Because why? Joey: Most things that you talk about... I don't even know what they are. Things like literature and science and history just pour out of you like you're this... Good Will Hunting impersonator, and ... is there anything that you're not an authority on? AJ: Girls. Beautiful girls. Their hopes, their dreams, what makes them tick. I wish I knew a little bit more about that. Joey: Me, too. You might know more about that than you think you do. AJ: So I guess we never got to see them...The northern lights. Joey: No. Next time. AJ: I've seen them before. Joey: Will you tell me about them? AJ: It's like the sky you've known your whole life. The one you've looked up at every night as a kid. Only you look up at it, and it's like it's on fire. Flooded with all these brilliant colors. Joey: Sounds kinda scary. AJ: Yeah, it is. But beautiful. [Scene: after the party and Jack and Andie are cleaning up.] Jack: Not too glamorous, huh? Stuck with clean-up duty on your big night. Andie: I don't mind. Jack: I'm sorry dad couldn't be here. Andie: Oh, don't be sorry. I mean, that actually kind of made it better. You know, being around all these people who don't know me so well, who believe in the person I am today, that don't really know everything I used to be. It was great. The whole night I felt like... Jack: The belle of the ball? Andie: No. More like me. Like myself. Jack: Well, that is some of the best news I've heard in a long time. Andie: I had this, uh, this mantra in the hospital. You want to hear it? Jack: Yeah. Andie: Structure and purpose. I mean, I know it's just a stupid little school play, but that's what it was to me. Structure and purpose. I think when you have something like that in your life, you know, to hold on to that's not another person, but it's more like a part of yourself, you know, like a goal or a dream, the whole world falls apart around you, you'll be ok. Jack: And you are...Ok? Andie: Yeah, I'm great. Jack: You sure you're that great? [Jack notices Pacey] Andie: There's one way to find out. [She goes over to sit down by him outside.] Andie: Hey. Pacey:: Hey. Andie: You weren't exactly the life of the party tonight. Pacey: No, I guess I got a lot stuff on my mind. Andie: Yeah, it's too bad your parents couldn't come. Pacey: Well, as it turns out, there are a lot of people who couldn't make it tonight, So .C'est la vie. Andie: Yeah, but I mean, too bad they couldn't see you being a star and all tonight. Pacey: I think you and I both know who the real star of that production is. I mean, the actors, all we do is come on at the last moment and grab all the glory, whereas the people who work behind the scenes, you guys are the ones who make everything happen. I mean, nobody ever knows all the work that you guys do. Andie: They know. So, it looks like you're gonna get that guaranteed "C" in English. Pacey: You're disappointed, aren't you? About my pathetic return to the depths of academic mediocrity. Andie: I'm not disappointed. Girls have these idiotic, misguided notions about guys. I mean, we think we can spruce 'em up and turn 'em into something they're not. Pacey: In your defense, I wasn't exactly what you'd call a luxury model. I did have fixer-upper written all over me. Andie: Yeah, you pretty much were priced to sell, weren't you? Pacey: Yes, I was. Damaged goods. Andie: But, the thing is, Pacey...I was wrong. There was never anything about you that needed fixing up. And there never was, and there never will be. 'Cause you are perfect as is. Pacey: You, too, Andie. Andie: [sighs] Pacey: What? Andie: I'm trying. So, uh, what do you think my next project should be? It definitely won't be involving you. Pacey: No. Andie: My people will certainly not be calling your people. Pacey: Um, I don't know, Andie: I was thinking maybe an all-girl cast. Pacey: Or perhaps puppets. You know, puppets are really good. They're directable, unlike myself. [Scene: Outside. Jen and Henry are walking along the sidewalk talking to each other.] Henry: I can't remember when I felt this depressed. Oh, yeah, 10 minutes ago. Jen: You'll get no sympathy from these quarters. Henry: I know. For a second there, I thought I saw you smiling. Jen: You are not like other boys. Has anybody told you that before? Henry: Yeah, you. Jen: It's just that you gotta stop it with these grand gestures, these larger-than-life public declarations. They're...You're like the Christo of teenage crushes. Henry: Who's Christo? Jen: He's--well, he's kind of like a sculptor. He does these really large...Never mind. It's just that you don't have to try so hard. Henry: It's just that... I want to know you, Jen Lindley. I want to be honest with you. Totally and completely honest. Jen: Nobody can ever be completely honest, henry. No one over the age of 6, that is. Henry: I can. Jen: You know what? You can, can't you? I don't know what it is or how you managed to keep it for so long, but you've definitely got that thing that children have. Henry: You have it, too. You've just... Forgotten about it. Jen: No. Henry, I don't think that I ever had it. Henry: Then I can teach you. Just say what's ever in your heart right now, right at this instant Jen: [She kisses him] was that honest enough? Henry: Almost. I'd say about 70%. [He goes in for another kiss and they kiss even more intensely.] [Scene: Joey is just getting home, when Bessie stops her at the front door.] Bessie: Not so fast. A certain boy we both know is waiting to see you. [She goes into the back yard to see who it is. Dawson is sitting there on one of the benches.] Joey: Dawson? Dawson: Hey, I'm sorry to show up like this. I know you just got back from your date. Joey: Look, if that's what this is about Dawson: No, it's not. It's not. I swear. Joey: How did you know about my date, anyway? Dawson: Pacey told me. You don't have to explain. If anybody has to explain, it's me, showing up like this. Joey: So why did you show up like this? Dawson: I needed to see you. You know? I just I suddenly felt very lost. Joey: How did you think you were going to feel after you took down all your posters and suddenly decided to drop film class? Dawson: Well, I didn't think. I just...did. Joey: And now you're thinking, and you realize you don't know who you are anymore? Dawson: Something like that, yeah. Joey: I think you lost your true north. That fixed point in the night sky, that you guide yourself by. Dawson: What about you? What's your true north? Joey: I don't think I have one. [They look up into the sky and is, is dancing with fiery lights.] Dawson: What is that? Joey: The aurora borealis. Dawson: The northern lights? Aren't we a little too far south for that here in Capeside? Joey: Apparently not. It's funny. I have been waiting all night for this, and it happens now, with you. Dawson: Is that a bad thing? Joey: No. It's, uh...It's just typical. [They just lay back and watch the skys.] Joey: I thought they'd be bluer than this.
Plan: A: inspiration; Q: What is Dawson lacking? A: film class; Q: What class does Dawson drop out of to spend time re-evaluating his life? A: breakfast; Q: What type of meal does Joey have at the bed and what type of meal does she have with A.J.? A: Joey; Q: Who is torn between attending Pacey's opening night and her date with A.J.? A: Capeside; Q: Where has A.J. come to for the evening? A: director; Q: What role does Andie take over when Mr. Broderick falls ill? A: Mr. Broderick; Q: Who falls ill at the play? A: Jen; Q: Who agrees to meet Henry, but brings Grams as her date? A: another block; Q: What does Jen throw Henry by bringing Grams as her date? Summary: Dawson, lacking inspiration, makes the radical move of dropping out of film class to spend some time re-evaluating his life. Back at the bed and breakfast, Joey is torn between attending Pacey's opening night and her date with A.J., who has come to Capeside for the evening. At the play, Andie must take over as director when Mr. Broderick falls ill. Jen agrees to meet Henry, but she throws him another block by bringing Grams as her date.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Lou: Where do you think you're gonna put them? Tim: Right there, as soon as I get rid of those old wrecks. Lou: Grandpa's trucks?! No, dad, no way! So this dance at school, you going? Oh, wait, it's a father/daughter dance. I guess that could be problem seeing as you don't have a father. I do so have a father. His name is Peter. Lou: Grandpa, you are back! You know, you were gone a long time! (Sheep bleat) Jack: Lou! Where are my trucks?! (Cell phone rings) Jack: What do you mean you can't get in touch with Stumpy? You're supposed to track down the junkyard he took my trucks to! Tim: Now, Jack, take it easy. Don't get all wound up. Stumpy's at his fishing camp. He's off the grid. There's nothing I can do about that, but I'm trying. Well, you better try harder. (Cell beeps off) Do you believe that guy? Paying Stumpy to tow away my trucks. My trucks! Who does he think he is to make that call? We're gonna find 'em, Jack, okay? We're gonna find 'em. I'm away for a month. A month, that's all. And everything goes to hell in a hand-basket! (Truck rumbles) Lou: Okay, Katie, let's see what we have in the mail right here. We have... (Gasps) something mommy's been waiting for. (Paper rips) (Sighs emotionally) Peter! It's Georgie's adoption notice. It's official. That's great. That's fantastic! Lou: I can't wait to tel her! (Crying happily) (Phoenix's hooves thud in the dirt) (Phoenix snorts) Amy: (Clapping) You cleared those jumps by a mile. That was an awesome run. Do you think I'm ready for the show? Yes, I do. Good boy, Phoenix! Hey, Georgie! I really hope you can come. See ya. Georgie: Jennifer chen is having a sleep-over birthday party, and I'm invited! That's great! No, that's not great, that's awesome! (Chuckles) Shoot, I forgot my jacket. I'll be right back. Okay. Olivia: So Jennifer invited you to her party! Georgie: Yes. Olivia: Well, she invited me too, but I turned it down. Do want to know why? Not really. Only the losers are going, which I guess explains why you got invited. And watching you at the dance... What? Way to make a fool of yourself. I thought I would die laughing. I'd actually like to see that. All the girls were talking about you. You really shouldn't have been there at all. Why? Hello! It was a "father/daughter" dance, and like I told you, everybody knows he's not your real dad. That's just one big fat lie. Speaking of fat, that dress you were wearing? Now I know why you stick to your baggy jeans. (Hard punch) Georgie! (Gasping) (Telephone rings) Oh, telephone. - (Phone beeps on) Hello? Uh, yes, speaking. Hi, Mrs. Wheaton. Hold on, I don't understand what you're saying. No. No, Georgie does not have an anger management problem. Listen, there are always two sides to these things... I'm sorry, she did what? Excuse me? Hello? (Gasps, phone beeps off) Peter! Jack: I'm lookin' for three Chevy trucks that could've been brought in yesterday. One's a 1949 kinda faded out rusty gray. Then there's a '65. It's blue, like powder blue. And two-toned gold '72, and that one's in pretty good shape. I got one matching the description of the powder blue Chevy. What'd I tell you, Jack. Mind you, you might be too late. (Metal crunches, glass shatters) (Crusher whirs) Peter: She punched her in the nose? (Chuckling) I... are you kidding me? Lou: I know, it's terrible, but you have to understand, Peter. Olivia Wheaton is a horrible little girl, like the worst. I can only imagine why Georgie did it. No, I mean I get it, but that's no excuse to punch a kid, right? (Spoon clatters on floor) You punched Caleb. Peter: You can't begin to compare the two. I'm just saying. Peter: Okay, well, we are gonna have to punish her though, right? You do realize that. - Lou: We have to hear her... (Spoon clatters) But we have to hear her side of things. Honey... Yes, we will hear her side of things, but that does not change the fact that she did it and there are consequences. (Spoon clatters) Okay. See? All gone. It's not a game. Now Georgie, like Katie, is gonna have learn what's acceptable and not acceptable just like Katie... (Katie starts crying) I'm sorry, honey. Katie: (Crying) Lou: It's okay. (Small kiss) (Truck rumbles) (Engine turns off) Jack: Yeah, we found one of 'em. Tim: Hey, that's great. Right out of the crusher, flat as a pancake! Oh. Okay, not so great. Well, I got a line on one of Stumpy's friends. He might have told him where he took them. Well, get on it. (Phone beeps off) Ty: We must have taken a wrong turn. There's supposed to be another dealer right around here. Well, there isn't. Ty: We could have passed it. We should turn around. Jack: Ah, let's just forget about it. Ty: Hey, come on, Jack, we're close. We're gonna find 'em. I can feel it. Find what? Another sardine tin? God this coffee is awful. Ty: Hold on a second, all right? (Car door opens) Jack: Where you goin'? (Car door shuts) Ty: Looks kind of abandoned. Jack it looks like hell. It could be fixed up. Should be torn down. Come on, let's go. Why the interest? I don't know, I'm thinkin'... Amy and me, you know, down the road. Way down the road, I hope. You got your head in the clouds, Ty. You're dreamin' if you think you can afford even a dump like this while you're goin' to school. That's kinda harsh. (Door opens) Lou: (Sighs) I got a call from Olivia's Wheaton's mother. Amy: I've got a client coming so I'm gonna run. Look, I'm sorry. You're sorry? Honey, what were you thinking? I couldn't help myself. It just happened! Well, it can't just happen, okay? You're gonna have to learn to stop and think before you act, and you're gonna have a lot of time to do that because you're grounded until further notice. What?! I can't be grounded! I have the Spring Classic show to go to! No. Well, now you don't. And I have Jennifer Chen's birthday party! I got invited and this is the first time I've ever been invited to anything! Peter: I'm sorry, honey, grounded means grounded. Honey, come on... (Door bangs shut) The Spring Classic? She's been training for months! I know, I know. Just let her think about it for a little bit, okay? Okay. (Truck rumbles) Amy: Hi. Tricia: Hey. Dr. Verani, Amy. Please, call me Tricia. Okay, well, I understand you're here to see some horses. I am. All right, follow me. We've got a few to choose from. You know, I'm so excited. This is like... fulfilling a childhood dream. (Chuckles) I bought the acreage and a pickup truck and now I want the horse. (Telephone rings) (Phone beeps on) Hello? Uh, no, I'm sorry, he's not available. May I take a message? Oh. Really. Yes, I will pass on the message. Thank you. Thank you. (Phone beeps off) Tricia: You know, I always pictured having a two-tone horse, but he's quite something, isn't he? I think you two are really gonna get along. Amy, can I ask you something? Hi. Amy: Sorry, this is my sister, Lou. Lou, Dr. Verani. Tricia: Hi. Tricia. Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Um, do you know where grandpa is? Yeah, he left with Ty to go look for his trucks. He's supposed to be at a doctor's appointment in Calgary, and he knew about it. I reminded him yesterday. - Our grandpa, he... (Truck rumbles) He had heart attack a few months ago and he's been missing his follow-ups. Sometimes seniors can be a bit forgetful. Yeah, right. (Truck rumbles) Can we talk? About what? About your doctor's appointment? Oh. I've had enough of doctors, Lou. They're all quacks. What can I say? Some doctors are. (Truck rumbles) He's not so senior, is he? (Chuckles) Lou: Why didn't you go? And apparently you missed your last appointment too. You know, the one where you said everything checked out fine. I've had it up to here with the medical profession. And you know how much gas it takes to drive all the way to Calgary? Okay, well, if you don't want to drive all the way to Calgary, at least go see Doctor Gill in Hudson. I called Dr. Gill and guess what? He's retired, and I'm not about to go see some 20-something kid who's been a doctor for ten minutes! That's the best excuse you can come up with? I'm fine, Lou. There's nothin' wrong with me! Do you believe him? Oh, honey, you gotta let that go. You know the more you pressure Jack to do something the more he's gonna do the exact opposite. I think I have an idea. Peter: Hey, Lou? (Sighs heavily) Tricia you were right, you know. He's super. He's just so responsive. Amy: You guys were awesome together. Tricia: (Laughs) So maybe you could give me some riding lessons before I actually take him home. Amy you know, I really would love too, but I'm so busy these days, but, you know, I can definitely find someone to do it for you. That'd be great. Lou: You were looking good out there. Tricia: Well, that horse is making me look good. Lou: (Chuckles) So, um, you're new in town? Yeah, just packed it up and moved to the country. Wow! And what do you do? I mean, you're a doctor. A medical doctor? Yeah, I used to work at Toronto General. Lou: Wow! Great. Yeah, but I... realized I didn't have much of a life anymore, you know? Too hectic. Yeah, I know hectic. I used to work in New York. Well, this was always my dream, taking over a practice in a small town. You know, seeing as you're new in town, you should join us for dinner tonight. Now that's country hospitality! I... I... I would love to. Great. Around 7:00. All right, we'll see you then. Lou: We'll see you then. Take care. Okay. So that was awfully nice of you to invite Tricia for dinner. Yeah. Any particular reason why? Just country hospitality. Peter: Hey, there you are. I've been lookin' all over for ya. Want to tell me what happened? Georgie: You're going to be mad. Well, I promise to listen, how's that? Look, I know I shouldn't have punched Olivia, but she said some really mean things, like really mean, and it made me crazy. What did she say? Georgie? She, she said that you're not my real father. You know, in business, when two people can't agree on something, they get together and mediate, they talk it through, get to the root of the problem so they can consolidate and move forward. You need to talk to Olivia. Peter, I really don't want to. I know you don't, but it's the right thing to do. Tim: I don't understand why Jack's all bent out of shape. I mean, those trucks, they were dangerous. They were falling apart. Dad, I can cut the carrots, okay? I want them lengthwise, not just chopped. I'm just trying to help. Okay, thank you. Yeah, and the next thing you know one of the kids, Katie or Georgie's gonna fall, they're gonna hurt themselves, they're gonna get blood poisoning or worse. Lou: I don't want to hear it. The last thing grandpa needed was something to put his blood pressure through the roof. (Door opens and shuts) Jack: What are you doing hanging around here? Better yet, why aren't you out lookin' for my trucks? Lou: See? Tim: Jack... You understand why I did what I did, right? To make room for the sheep pen. Don't talk to me about sheep. And who's this person comin' for dinner tonight? I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, especially someone I've never met. Grandpa, she's a new client and Lou invited her. Speaking of which, dad, I was hoping maybe you could help me out with something. See, Tricia just moved from the city and she needs some riding lessons, and I'm so busy I just thought... Oh, and I'm not? (Knocking at door) I mean, there's enough riding stables around here she can go to. Jack: Lou... Amy: Yes, except the horse that she's buying is from me, so I thought she could get lessons on that one. Well, don't look at me, Amy, I mean, I got enough on my plate. I can't be bothered teaching some city girl how to sit on a horse. Lou: Um, everyone, Tricia. Jack: Uh, hi, again. Tim: Tricia, is it? Tricia: Yeah. Tim: Tim Fleming. Tricia: Hi. Tim: I'm the father of the girls. I'll be teaching you to ride. Come on in. Actually, I taught the girls probably everything they know about riding. Tricia: So you're liking vet school? Ty: Absolutely. It's kind of a rough schedule. I'm also working at a clinic in Hudson. Amy: In all his spare time. Ty: Yeah. Tricia: You gonna practice here? Ty: Uh, yeah, um... Amy and I might start something in the future together, so... Tricia: That's fantastic! Ty: Yeah. How is it moving out here into the country? So far, I love it. The outdoors, those crazy mountains. You're a brave woman for making such a big change. What brought that about? Tricia: Well, I guess I needed a change, you know? It was time for me to move onto something new. Not new... I'm still doing what I did, just in a new place. Jack: So what is that? What do you do? I'm a doctor. Really. Took over a practice in Hudson. You know Dr. Gill? He's retired. A doctor. You don't say. So please, feel free to call me if there's anything you need. I mean, I'm even planning on bringing back the lost art of the house call. Lou: That's fantastic. Ty: Cool. Jack: Lou? Lou: Mmm-hmm? Would you mind helping me with the coffee? Sure. (Quietly) You tried to pull one over on me! (Quietly) No, I didn't, I was... So what did you do, Lou? Did ya share my entire medical history with this woman? No. I told you, Lou, I don't want a doctor. I don't need a doctor. This could be a great arrangement! Okay, she's smart, you obviously like her, she even does house calls! Lou... Grandpa. Come on, you have to start taking care of yourself. I mean, you just had a... Heart attack. I had a heart attack. Why can you say that? I'm not dead yet. Stop obsessing about this. Besides, you got enough problems of your own. Like what? Well, like why is Georgie sitting in her room right now staring at the walls instead of coming for dinner with us? What's going on there? She... Ooh, ooh, what is it? What's wrong? (Grunts) This coffee is what is wrong. It was horrible this morning and it's horrible tonight. First I had to dig out my old coffee maker, now you're messin' with the beans. It's decaf, okay? Caffeine is bad for you. What is it now? Grandpa? Grandpa?! Tricia, can you come, please?! Grandpa?! Tricia: I've got my bag in the truck. Tim: Here, I'll get it, I'll get it! Lou: Grandpa, look at me! Tricia: Let me look at him. Let's open that up for him. This is all your fault. How is this my fault? Lou: If you hadn't had those trucks towed away, none of this would have happened! I told you how grandpa would react! And you driving him all around the countryside looking for them when he should've been at his doctor's appointment! Relax Lou, I didn't know he had an appointment, okay? You know, maybe you shouldn't have been treating him like an invalid. He hates that. What? Tricia: Okay, there's nothing to worry about. It was just an attack of indigestion. (Relieved sigh) It can seem like it's heart related, but it wasn't. His heart is fine. I've given him an antacid. Lou: Thank you. I should go. Thank you for a lovely dinner. I'll walk you to the car. Give me your bag. Tricia: Thanks. Um, thank you for your help. Oh. (Emotional sighs) I'm just glad I was here. Lou: Yeah. Olivia: Okay. Good night. Lou: Well, when you think about it, you know, if she hadn't been here... If she hadn't have been here, it would have been a lot less stressful. Peter: You okay? Is he all right? Peter: Yeah! Oh, yeah, he's fine. I know you were scared, but don't worry about Jack. He is as strong as an ox. (Chuckles) Look, I'm really sorry about Olivia. I really am, and if you want me to, I'll talk, not that it'll do any good. Peter: You know, I'll tell you something, when I was a kid, I was a real big guy. I was always the biggest one in my class and I was real strong, and that meant that guys were always trying to get me fight them. And most of the time I could just walk away, but this one time, this one guy just pushed my buttons and I snapped. I totally lost it. What happened? I ended up breaking his nose and his arm and it scared the heck outta me, it really did. So now, whenever I'm provoked, I just think about how devastated I was by that and I walk away, or I just try to tell myself a joke or I try to picture the person with carrots stuffed up their nose. Both: (Chuckle) Carrots up Olivia's nose? Love it. Both: (Chuckle) Okay. (Firm kiss) Good night. I know I'm grounded and I know I can't go to Jennifer Chen's party, but please, please, please can I be in the Spring Classic? Let's sleep on it, okay? Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: It was completely crushed? Ty, that's horrible! Fresh out of the compactor, Amy. You should've seen Jack's face. He was so ticked off I thought he was gonna pass out. Yeah, well that explains the heartburn then. We got a few places to check tomorrow, but... Yeah, that's if Lou lets him go. She's gotta stop worrying about him. He's got to get back on the horse and just live life normally. Between her and dad, they're driving him crazy. Well, they're driving me crazy. Ty: Hey... You uh... you ever thought about getting away from all this craziness? Yeah, all the time. You wanna save some time on your schedule for me tomorrow? Sure. Why? I got something to show you. What do you want to show me? Ty: (Whispers) I can't tell you. Amy: Yes, you can! Ty, you can...! You've gotta tell me! Oh my God, honey, I thought for sure he was having another heart attack. But he wasn't. (Sighing) I know, I know. You gotta relax. Why are you so paranoid and worried? I don't know. I can't explain it, but it won't go away. Anyways, thank you for dealing with Georgie. You are so good with her. When do you think we should tell her about that adoption news? Well, let's let this blow over a little bit first. She's gonna go and have a little talk with Olivia tomorrow. Yeah, and I'm gonna go with her, so, we'll see how that goes. (Chuckles) You know, when you try, you can be pretty amazing. Really? Yes. Like, like how amazing? If you had to put a scale... (chuckling) Don't push it. Don't do that. (Laughing and kissing) (Truck rumbles) Ty: Okay, I found the old Chevy; that's the good news. Jack: Yeah. What's the bad news? (Sighs heavily) Ty: Okay, there's still hope for old Goldie. Let's go. Georgie: (Sighs) Hey, Olivia, Peter says we should talk. Who's Peter? Peter: Hi, Olivia. Yeah, I'm... I'm Peter Morris, I'm Georgie's father. I called your mom, actually. Yes, she said you'd called. She also said I don't have to talk to you, so I'm not going to. Peter: Hold on, hold on. You guys need to clear the air, I think, and we're not gonna leave until you do, so... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I punched you. I really am, and I didn't mean to. But you did. You hit me and I was bleeding. Georgie: You said some really mean things and they really hurt me. Why do you hate me? I don't hate you. Well, what is it then? It's just that you're different. How am I different? Olivia: You just are. You're not like the other girls. Georgie: Well, you're not like the other girls either. And Jennifer Chen's party, I found out you weren't invited. I said I was sorry, Olivia, and can't we just... (Sighs heavily) can't we just consolidate and move forward from here? I have to go practice. Peter: Well, I guess you better get to practice too. Georgie: What? Does that mean I'm back in the show?! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm still gonna beat her, though. Peter: What? Georgie: Not with my fist... at the Spring Classic. (Laughing) Tim: Come on. (Clicks his teeth) Okay, want to saddle him up? Tricia: Of course. Tim: There you go. Tricia: Whoa. (Blanket thumps) Okay. Whoa. (Grunts) That's heavy. Let me get that around here. (Breathing hard) Okay, I got it. (Gasps) (Breathing hard) Okay. Okay. You went to horse camp? Two weeks... Yeah? Two summers in a row. Oh. (Grunts) They didn't teach you how to saddle a horse? Well, it was a co-ed camp and there was this boy... A boy who put the saddle on for you. Tricia: Yeah, and many years later in the Dominican Republic... Tim: There was a boy who saddled your horse for ya. Well you're not gonna get off so easy this time, 'cause this boy is gonna make sure you know how to saddle a horse or you don't get any riding lessons at all! Is that right? Do you know what this is? Tricia: Very funny. A bridle. (Truck rumbles) Hey, Jack. You feeling better? Top notch. Good. You know, that's not the right saddle for you. Tim: Yes, it is. Jack: No, it isn't. Jack: There's a smaller one. It's lighter, but it's just as good. It's better for a beginner. Oh, Lisa's saddle. His, his lady friend. Jack: Anyone can use it, Tim. (Cell phone chimes) Can they now? Really. Oh, shoot, I gotta go. One of my patients just fell off a jungle gym. Mmm, poor kid. Not so much. He's a 35-year-old man who should know better. (Laughs a bit too loudly) Can we take this up tomorrow? You bet! Tricia: Great. Jack. She's funny. Speaking of lady friends, you spoken to Lisa since the... It's none of your business. Well, she was trying to get a hold of you. We talked. Tim: You talked... Jack: Anyway... You'll be pleased to know that I found another one of my trucks. Great! Stripped right to the bone. It's demolished! You owe me big. Tim: Jack? (Coffee splashes in sink) Jack? I'm uh... I'm sorry about the trucks. I am. I'll help you look for old Goldie. No way you're helping me. I know you hate those trucks. To you they're just an eyesore... or a place to keep your stupid sheep... but not to me. That gold truck was an anniversary present from lindy. I know, I know, I know. I've heard the story a 100 times. Well, I know it's hard for you to understand, but it had a special place in my heart, and because of you I'll probably never see it again. Jack... Nothing lasts forever, things change. Yeah. Just look at me and Miranda. Think of how I feel. Sometimes you gotta learn to roll with it. (Truck rumbles) (Engine turns off, door opens and closes) Hey. So? What is it you wanted to show me? You need to see this place. It's abandoned. Not a soul around. You want to explore? Yeah. Let's go. Amy: (Laughing) I love this! This is so cool! Ty: (Laughing) Amy: Come on, let's check out the barn! Ty: Oh yeah! Amy: Come on, I'll race ya! Go! Ty: Honey, I'm home! Amy: Oh. Ty: Oh! Geez! Amy: (Laughs giddily) Hey, wait! You can put your office in there. Or your vet clinic. Ty: Yeah. You know, when I was a kid, I wished I had a place just like this. Amy: Do you think a kid would love this place? Ty: Yeah, absolutely. What's not to love? Amy: Do you want kids? Ty: Do you? Amy: Yeah. Ty: Yeah? Amy: Yeah. Both: (Chuckling) Ty: How many do you want? Amy: Oh, I don't know, two at least. Ty: (Chuckling) Well, let's start with one. Amy: Okay. Boy or girl? Ty: I'll be happy no matter what. Amy: (Laughing) Georgie: Guess what, coach? Amy: What? Georgie: I'm back in the show. Amy: I know. Lou texted me. That's great. You're more than ready. Ty: (Chuckles) Ty: I gotta get going. Amy: You do? Ty: Mmm-hmm. Amy: Okay. Amy: Thank you for a beautiful afternoon. Gross. (Door opens) Ty: Hey, Jack. Jack: Ty... I wanted to thank you for driving all over the countryside with me. No problem. We got a few more places on our list to hit tomorrow. No. No, we don't. What are you talkin' about? Jack: I've decided to give up on trying to find Goldie. Yes, it had a lot of memories for me... good ones... but... Well, I'll always have those, they're not goin' anywhere. Come on, Jack, it could be at the very next yard we look at. We can't give up now. (Chuckling) No, it's okay. There's somethin' else. (Taps bench) I uh... I shouldn't have been so down on you about wanting to buy that property. Of course you need to dream about the future. That's important. Tim said something to me, something reasonable for once. He said that I have to learn to roll with change, and he's right, I do, though it pains me to say. (Chuckles) You know, I could never say this to Lou, but... that heart issue, it scared me, Ty, but at the same time it gave me a new way to look at things. You know that song "Live like you were dyin'"? I know it sounds maudlin, but it ain't so far from the truth. So you... you got to seize the day. You go for it. I'm gonna try, Jack. Thanks. And, uh, I'm not giving up on that truck either. (Chuckling) Lou: You almost ready? For what? Georgie's show! Oh, of course I am! I'm ready when you are. Now look at this. You see that? This, this is the coffee we'll be using from now on. That other decaf stuff, you can throw it out 'cause life is too short. It's way too short. Okay, I'm sorry. No, you know what? I didn't mean it quite like that. You have to stop pretending this didn't happen. You had a heart attack and you may have no trouble saying the words, but I don't think you're taking in what they mean. Aw, Lou, please... Lou: No, no, no, listen to me. You have to take care of yourself not just for yourself, but for the family... (Tearfully) and for me. Do you know that you are the only man I have ever been able to fully depend on. Now that is not true. It is true. You're my rock, grandpa. You are the rock of this whole family (tearfully) And if we ever lost you... Just calm down. Lou, I am fine. I am fine. Don't we have a show to get to? Announcer: Now on the course, number 7, Olivia Wheaton. Spectators: (Clapping) (Hooves thud) Georgie: She's really good. Amy: Yeah, she is, but you see how wide she went on that last jump there? You don't have to go that wide. Cut it closer. You know, save some time. Georgie: Okay. Just stay focused. Breathe and stay nice and calm, okay? I'm scared out of my mind. (Hooves thud) Announcer: Number 7, Olivia Wheaton, 46 seconds! Spectators: (Clapping) Okay. Listen, you and Phoenix are gonna do great, all right? And try to have some fun out there too, huh? Georgie: Okay. Announcer: And now the last rider in this year's Spring Classic: Number 15, Georgina Crawley. (Hooves thud) (Phoenix snorts) (Hooves thud) (Phoenix snorts) (Hooves thud) Spectators: (Clapping) Announcer: Number 15, Georgina Crawley, with the best time of the day: Forty-two seconds! Peter: She won, didn't she? Lou: Yeah! Spectators: (Clapping) Lou: (Whistling) Yeah, Georgie! Peter: Woo! Amy: (Laughing) Great job! You looked awesome. Georgie: Thanks. Thank you. Peter: (Laughing) Awesome! Georgie: (Laughing) Lou: So good, honey! Oh! (Kiss) Georgie: Um, I'll be right back. Lou: Okay. Georgie: Hey. Olivia: Hey. You were a good competitor. Olivia: You should enjoy that ribbon. You won't be winning one again because it's all about the horse, and I can always buy a better horse than you could ever dream of affording. Carrots up her nose, carrots up her nose... Peter: (Chuckling) Georgie: Carrots up her nose... Lou: Carrots up her nose? Georgie: (Laughing) Peter: Forget it. Lou: What's that about? What's that? Georgie: (Laughing) I'm so proud of you. (Laughing) Peter: Come on, get that horse. Let's go. (Door shuts) Relax, this is your decaf. Look, if you want your regular brand, then go for it, okay? I can't stop you. Hey, Lou... I get what you are saying, I do, and I want you to know I'm real aware of what happened to me, but you're right; I need to look after my health. I want to see Amy and Ty get married and Katie and Georgie grow up and... so I've decided I'll start seeing that doctor and not just because you tricked me into it. Thank you. Come here. (Happy exhale) Peter: There we go. Looks good. Both: (Chuckle) You know, I gotta say you handled yourself really well out there and I am pretty darn proud of you. Not just because you won either, you know, because you were the better person when it came to Olivia. And, uh, we have some news for you. The adoption papers arrived. Signed and sealed. Lou: You are now officially our daughter. Georgie: (Emotional exhale) Peter: (Chuckling) How about that?! (Kiss) Come here! Peter and Georgie: (Laughing happily) (Truck rumbles) Ty: Damn. Amy: Yeah. Ah, there'll be other farms. Yeah, I guess. (Chuckles) Amy: Damn. (Laughing) ♪ This room barely alive ♪ ♪ from all the ghosts we have ♪ ♪ I witness in your eyes you may have nothing left ♪ (Tires screech) ♪ What is the meaning of the lies we tell as truth ♪ (Truck whirs in reverse) ♪ One thing I'm certain of ♪ ♪ is that I've little more to lose ♪ (Laughing) ♪ I used to feel us so on fire ♪ ♪ And now I feel heat for the truth ♪ ♪ With every flame of my desire... ♪ Lou: Okay, cheers to Georgie. Amy: Cheers. Lou: Cheers. (Glasses clink) Ty: Cheers. Jack: All right, it is time for the bartlett family stone ritual. Now, my great-great grandfather built this fireplace. Tim: Aw, just pick a stone, honey. We've all heard this story, Jack. Georgie's probably heard it too. Just pick a stone. Georgie: Where's yours, Jack? Jack: Uh, this one right there. And is this one taken? I think it's all yours. Then I declare this stone belongs to: Georgina Crawley Fleming Morris! Lou: Here here! Tim: Wow, that's a mouthful! Others: (Chuckle) Jack: Where's Ty? Why isn't he here? Amy: Actually, he's just out front and he has something to show you. Come on. ♪ How love can teeter on the edges of a blade... ♪ See? Told you you'd get it back. Life's pretty weird. Jack: Well, that it is. Ty: If Amy and I hadn't been looking at that old ranch, never would have found the truck. Is it still for sale? No, it sold. Another time. Thank you. ♪ With every flame of my desire ♪ (Chuckling) ♪ I'm not giving up on you ♪ ♪ I'm not giving up, giving up on you ♪ (Jack laughs, sheep bleats)
Plan: A: Lou pressures; Q: Who pressures Jack into going to the doctor? A: a scary accident; Q: What is the reason Lou wants Jack to go to the doctor? A: a ranch; Q: What do Amy and Ty discuss buying together? A: Peter; Q: Who grounded Georgie after she threw a punch at Olivia? A: the Spring Classic; Q: What did Georgie win after being grounded? Summary: Lou pressures Jack into going to the doctor after a scary accident, and Amy and Ty discuss buying a ranch together. Georgie gets fed up with Olivia picking on her and throws a punch, leading to her to be grounded by Peter, and almost missing the Spring Classic. Georgie wins the Spring Classic. Lou and Peter have officially adopted Georgie.
[Surgery Room] (Lucas is lying with doctors working all around him) Nurse: We got a code blue. We are losing him. DOCTOR: Charge the paddles to 200. NURSE: Charging DOCTOR: Clear (his heart starts just for a second then is flat again) Charge the paddles to 300. Clear. (His heart rate goes back up to 60) He's a go. DOCTOR 2: Okay lets go in. [Another hospital room] (Keith is being patched up) KEITH: How long will this take? DOCTOR: We're just about done here now. KEITH: I don't mean me I'm talking about my nephew, Lucas. How long will he be in surgery? DOCTOR: Well it depends on how serious his injuries are. (Keith gets out his phone and dials a number) [Haley's Room] (Picking up where they left off talking in bed) HALEY: I'm sorry what did you just say? NATHAN: About what? HALEY: About the way that we started. (Her phone is ringing in the background) NATHAN: Nothing. Just when I first came to you for tutoring, I figured the easiest way to mess with Lucas was to hook up with you, but... HALEY: So everything between us has been a lie? NATHAN: No that's not. HALEY: I cannot believe this, Lucas was right about you all along. (Her answering machine picks up) KEITH: (voice) Haley, pick up. There's been an accident. Lucas is hurt pretty bad. Haley? HALEY: (Picks up the phone) Keith, hey. He's going to make it right? Okay, thanks. NATHAN: Come on, I'll take you to the hospital. HALEY: I can't talk to you right now, Nathan. NATHAN: Haley, look I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. HALEY: Just go. Just go. (Dials a number on the phone and Nathan leaves) [Peyton's Room] (Peyton is still trying to tell Brooke about her and Lucas) BROOKE: Hey you know you can tell me anything, what is it? PEYTON: It's just...There's something you should know. (her phone rings) Hello? Haley, what's wrong? (Looks shocked and grabs her bag) BROOKE: Peyton, what? PEYTON: Lucas. There's been an accident. You should go to him. [Hospital] (Keith is sitting alone when Karen comes in) KAREN: Keith. I'm so glad you're okay. Where is he? KEITH: I'm so sorry. I didn't see the other car. KAREN: Where's the operating room? I need someone to tell me what's happening. KEITH: They asked us to wait here and they're going to let us know when he's in recovery. KAREN: I couldn't get a cab and then the only thing I had to pay with was Euros. He's got to be alright, Keith. I wont' lose him. KEITH: I know KAREN: I can't KEITH: Excuse me, Doctor. Were you in the operating room with Lucas Scott? KAREN: He was in a car accident. He's my son. DOCTOR: Dr. Hill is an excellent surgeon. The kid's lucky his father got him here so fast. KAREN: His uncle. DOCTOR: No his father. He may have saved your sons life. KEITH: Um, Dan saw the accident. He pulled Lucas out of the car, and he drove us here. KAREN: Dan? KEITH: Yeah, he knew Lucas was in bad shape so he couldn't wait. And Dan gave the surgeon permission to operate. KAREN: How could he? KEITH: He said he was Lucas' father. BROOKE: (Comes in crying) Keith. Keith is he okay? KEITH: Oh honey, we don't know yet. BROOKE: I was supposed to see him tonight. He was supposed to come over after the airport and... KEITH: Um Karen this is Brooke BROOKE: I'm Brooke, Lucas' girlfriend. Hi. DOCTOR: Who's here for Lucas Scott? KAREN: I'm his mother. Is my son okay? DOCTOR: He's stable and in recovery. KEITH: (To Brooke) Could you just, give us a second? BROOKE: Yeah DOCTOR: He needed a lot of work. His right lung collapsed and had to be repaired. I had to remove his spleen but there shouldn't be any long term repercussions. KAREN: So you're saying he's going to be fine? DOCTOR: He'll need physical therapy to his shoulder. It separated in the crash but we were able to reset it. Other than that he has a concussion and some bruising. But there was a complication during surgery. KAREN: What? DOCTOR: Your son lost a lot of blood. Which caused his heart rate to drop. We lost him for a few seconds. But as I said he's stable now. And all of his vitals look good. So we just have to wait for him to wake up. KAREN: When will that be? DOCTOR: Could be a couple of hours, could be a couple of days. That's up to him. KEITH: Thank you. DOCTOR: You're welcome. KEITH: (hugs Karen) I'm so sorry. [Haley's Room] (She's sitting on her bed; Peyton comes in) PEYTON: Hey HALEY: Hey PEYTON: I thought you'd be at the hospital. HALEY: Why aren't you there? PEYTON: I dropped Brooke off. It's just kind of weird, she's still with Lucas. HALEY: She doesn't know about you guys yet? PEYTON: We were going to tell her tonight. Don't you want to see him? HALEY: Yeah I do. I just can't. PEYTON: Why not? HALEY: If you don't mind I'd really like to be alone right now. PEYTON: Yeah. Yeah okay. But I'm sure his mom would really like to see you. HALEY: Peyton, I'll go when I'm ready. PEYTON: Sure. (leaves her room) [Hospital front desk] KAREN: They took my son out of recovery. The nurse had me fill out these insurance forms. RECEPTIONIST: What's your sons name? KAREN: Lucas Scott. COP: Scott, from the car accident? KAREN: Yeah COP: Yeah I need to get a statement from that driver, Keith Scott. He's a lucky guy. KAREN: Yeah, a couple of stitches. COP: Well that's not exactly what I meant. See your husbands blood alcohol level was just shy the legal limit. Another hundredth of a point, he'd be in big trouble right now. [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Keith is sitting by his bed, Karen comes in and kisses Lucas) KEITH: I'll never forgive myself if he's not okay. KAREN: Were you drinking tonight? KEITH: Karen... KAREN: Were you? KEITH: I wasn't drunk. KAREN: That's not what I asked you. Were you drinking before you drove Lucas? KEITH: Yes, but... KAREN: I trusted you. I want you to leave. (Saddened Keith grabs his jacket and leaves) [Karen's Café] (Haley is working, Peyton comes in) PEYTON: Haley what are you doing? HALEY: Inventory. PEYTON: Lucas is lying in a hospital why can't you just go see him? HALEY: Because he wouldn't want to see me. PEYTON: What are you talking about? You guys are best friends. HALEY: Not last night we weren't. We got into a fight. PEYTON: About what? HALEY: You, him and Brooke. The last thing I said to him was "I don't like the person you're becoming" and "The next time we see each other don't talk to me" PEYTON: You didn't mean it. HALEY: Peyton, what if I can't take it back? What if he doesn't forgive me. PEYTON: He will but you just need to see him. I'll tell you what. Whenever you decide that you're ready, I'll go to the hospital with you. Strength in numbers. HALEY: Yeah, yeah okay thank you PEYTON: I'll see you. [Hospital Waiting Room] DEB: Hi. Nathan told me about Lucas. I'm so sorry. How is he? KAREN: He's still unconscious. But the doctors say his vital signs are strong. DEB: Oh that's good news. I figured you hadn't had a chance to grab any food. KAREN: I'm really not that hungry. DEB: Well at least have some decent coffee. I don't want you to worry about anything other than Lucas. I'll take care of the café as long as you need. KAREN: Thanks, Deb. I appreciate that. DEB: (Giving her coffee) Here you go. KAREN: All night I sat up watching Lucas. And I kept thinking I'm the one who can't wake up. This has to be some sort of dream. Cause if this isn't a dream it's got to be some sort of punishment. DEB: Punishment for what? KAREN: For being selfish. I mean if I hadn't gone to Italy, this wouldn't have happened. DEB: You can't think that way. This is not your fault. KAREN: And if you had told me yesterday that the Scott brother that I would feel grateful to is Dan I would have said you were crazy. DEB: What do you mean? KAREN: He didn't tell you? DEB: Tell me what? KAREN: Dan brought Lucas to the hospital. If it wasn't for him, Lucas wouldn't have made it. [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Peyton comes in alone) PEYTON: Hey, it's me. Can you hear me? (Holds his hand) Squeeze my hand if you can hear me, okay? Never mind. Um, I just came by to tell you that I'm probably not going to be around very much. With Brooke here it's just kind of weird. But I'm with you Lucas, you know that. And I'll wait forever if I have to. (Karen comes in) Oh I'm sorry. Nobody was here. KAREN: You don't have to go. He's allowed visitors. PEYTON: Okay. I'm Peyton. KAREN: I know. Lucas has talked about you. (puts down Deb's basket of food) Its nice that people want to do something but the last thing I can think about right now is food. PEYTON: You'll be glad you have it in a couple of days. I swear the cook at this hospital gets a bonus for making people sick. KAREN: Sounds like you've spent some time here. PEYTON: Yeah, when my mom died. KAREN: I'm sorry. PEYTON: No... KAREN: How'd she die? PEYTON: A car accident. KAREN: You're a good friend to visit. I've been expecting Haley to come on by. PEYTON: She and Lucas got in some argument and she's really beating herself up over it. KAREN: They'll patch it up. Best friends can forgive each other anything. BROOKE: (Walking in with a bunch of bags) Hey stranger. Check it out, I dropped so much cash at the gift shop I think they're going to name it after me. And I got something for you too Karen. Nothing makes me feel better when I'm blue than chocolate and I figured we could be in a better place if we dipped into a sugar coma so...(Peyton looks at her and Karen looks down) I'm sorry I'm such an idiot I didn't... KAREN: It's okay, Brooke. BROOKE: (walks over to Lucas and kisses his cheek) Hey baby. How you doing? PEYTON: Listen, I got to go. BROOKE: Okay. I've got him now but, see you later? PEYTON: Sure BROOKE: Okay. PEYTON: It was really nice to meet you. KAREN: You too. [Karen's Café] (Haley is serving food, Nathan comes in) HALEY: Here you go, enjoy your meal. NATHAN: How's Lucas? HALEY: Like you care. NATHAN: Haley, come on that's not fair. Look we're not tight but I don't want to see the guy in the hospital. HALEY: Why because if he's out of circulation than you can't use me to piss him off? NATHAN: Hey would you just stand still for a second so we could talk about this? HALEY: Not a chance in hell. NATHAN: Alright fine, don't talk to me, but at least let me take you to see Lucas today. HALEY: You know what Peyton's already doing it after my shift and even if she wasn't I wouldn't go with you. (walks away from him. Deb comes in) DEB: Hey, is she alright? NATHAN: No, not really. So this split with you and dad. This is real, huh? DEB: Yeah, honey it is. How do you feel about that? NATHAN: Actually I'm fine. How sad is that? (he leaves) [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Haley and Peyton walk in, Karen is asleep next to the bed) HALEY: I can't. (Turns and walks into the hall) PEYTON: Haley wait. It's alright. HALEY: No it's not. He's lying in there and there's nothing that I can do about it. PEYTON: Well you could be there for him. Just go talk to him, you'll feel better. HALEY: I don't deserve to feel better. I mean giving him an apology is not worth anything if he's awake to hear it. You know if I go in there I'm just going to start crying and that's just the last thing Karen needs. PEYTON: Why don't you let her be the judge of that? HALEY: I cant. (walks away) [Scott Body Shop] DEB: Hi KEITH: Hey DEB: I just wanted to see how you were doing. I left a couple of messages about Lucas. KEITH: Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Is there any change? DEB: No. Have you talked to Karen today? KEITH: She doesn't want me at the hospital. I can't say I blame her. DEB: Well she's just in shock right now, Keith. Once Lucas gets better things will go back to normal. KEITH: I'm not so sure about that, Deb. Karen isn't speaking to me, Lucas is unconscious and I'm to blame. That's a tough one to bounce back from. DEB: Just give it some time. KEITH: It's funny you know. I wasted all those years being too afraid to tell Karen how I felt. And then she kissed me at the airport and suddenly everything I hoped for seemed possible all I had to do was wait 6 weeks. Just 6 weeks. Yesterday should have been the best day of my life. Now it's all gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Brooke reading a magazine and Karen watching Lucas) BROOKE: You follow astrology? KAREN: Not really. BROOKE: Me neither. It's actually not as accurate as numerology. KAREN: You two been dating a long time? BROOKE: A little over a month now. (a woman comes in) AMY: Ms. Roe? I'm Amy Quinn from the billing department. I had a couple of questions about your insurance. KAREN: Sure come in. BROOKE: I'll just go do something. AMY: I was wondering if you had any supplemental insurance? KAREN: No just the regular hospitalization, why? AMY: Well the care your son needs will almost certainly cost more than your coverage maximums. KAREN: Oh wow. I never figured I'd need more than that. AMY: Expenses do add up these days. KAREN: Could we set up some sort of payment plan? AMY: Why don't you come talk to me after things settle down? We'll see what we can figure out. KAREN: Thank you. [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Karen is fixing his covers and singing You Are My Sunshine) KAREN: You never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away. Open your eyes Lucas. Come on honey. (she sees his tattoo under his sleeve) Is there anything that didn't change while I was gone? (Someone knocks on the door) WHITEY: How's he doing? KAREN: The same. WHITEY: How about you? KAREN: I'm fine. WHITEY: You got a lot of talents, Karen, but lying is not one of them. KAREN: (Hugs Whitey) When Lucas was a little boy we used to play this game. "What would you do". What would you do if I blacked out? What would you do if the house caught fire? I was his only parent I wanted to prepare him if anything happened to me. But I wasn't prepared for something happening to him. WHITYE: Why don't you take a break? KAREN: How could Keith be so careless? I trusted him with the only thing in the world that matters to me. WHITEY: Lucas matters to Keith too. (Karen sighs) Look, Karen, you have every reason to be angry, Lord knows. But no man ever loved a boy anymore than Keith loves Lucas. That ought to count for something. [River Court] (Mouth, Junk, Fergy, and Skills are sitting on the benches. Jake walks up) JAKE: Well it looks like we all had the same idea, huh? Better to think of Lucas here than in the hospital right? SKILLS: What you seen him? JAKE: Yeah, no change JUNK: This sucks. MOUTH: (Turns on his video camera and tapes himself) Hey Luke, its Mouth. I just want to say, we're pulling for you. SKILLS: Right cause you the dawg. Yep you my dawg. Hey don't think I'm about to spot you any points when you bring your little scrawny @#%$ back out on this court man. Ain't gonna happen. FERGY: Yeah spleen or no spleen, When you bust out, it's on. MOUTH: And although the ethics of broadcasting prohibit me from gambling, I can say unofficially, my money's on Scott. JUNK: What money? You borrowed $10 from me last week. Hey Luke, Mouth can keep his cash if you come back soon, alright? MOUTH: Jake, any thoughts? JAKE: We need you back man. Simple as that. [Karen's Café] (Deb is in the back, Dan comes in) DEB: What are you doing here? We're supposed to meet at the mediator's office DAN: I know. But I wanted to tell you in person, I'm not going. DEB: We both agreed to mediation. DAN: We also both agreed till death do us part. You didn't have any trouble backing out of that one. Maybe you're wrong about what's best for this family too. DEB: What family? We haven't been one in a long time. DAN: That doesn't mean we cant be one again. We chose each other. We built a life together. Doesn't that mean anything to you? DEB: Don't put this on me, Dan. We've both made mistakes, it's time to correct them. DAN: Our marriage was not a mistake. And Nathan is too important to me to just see him on the weekends. He needs both of us. DEB: Don't make me hire a lawyer. DAN: I'm asking you not to. And I'm asking you to remember, when you were the one who needed forgiveness. When you were the one who almost lost this family. DEB: That was a long time ago. DAN: Exactly. And we made it through that. And I'm glad we did. So don't throw us away. Give us one more chance. DEB: I'm all out of chances, Dan. DAN: I may not show it in the way you want but this family is my life. I'm not giving up. I wont agree to a divorce. [On the Roof] (Haley is sitting alone, Peyton comes up behind her) PEYTON: Deb said I might find you up here. HALEY: Hey PEYTON: This place is cool. HALEY: Yeah it is. Lucas and I built this, back when it was the two of us against the world. Sorry I ran out of the hospital. PEYTON: No don't sweat it. I'm probably not the best person to be giving moral support anyway. Maybe if you went with Nathan. HALEY: Nathan and I are taking a little break. PEYTON: What happened? HALEY: He was using me to get to Lucas. PEYTON: Okay, Haley, I don't believe that. I know Nathan and he's into you. HALEY: It doesn't matter. Anyway why do you think that you're no good for moral support? PEYTON: You said that you were disappointed in Lucas for betraying Brooke and I just figured you felt the same way about me. HALEY: Actually, no I don't. I know what it's like to need Lucas in your life. PEYTON: I never let myself need anybody. Ever. Not since my mom died. But with Lucas, he looks at me and he really sees me. You know? Just right down into my soul. HALEY: I just want to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry. PEYTON: I just want to tell him I'm in love with him. HALEY: Yeah [Hospital Front Desk] KEITH: Excuse me could I drop this off for Lucas Scott? RECEPTIONIST: It's visiting hours, you could give it to him yourself. KEITH: Could you just let him know it's from Keith Scott? (She nods) Thank you. RECEPTIONIST: Oh wait. You're my sticky note. Billings got some questions about a payment discrepancy. They need to talk to Lucas Scott's mother or father. That's you right? KEITH: Which way is the billing department? [Peyton's Room] BROOKE: That hospital seriously needs a makeover. You know it's not a wonder to me that everyone who's there is sick. PEYTON: How's Lucas? BROOKE: He's the same. Kind of scares me. PEYTON: Why? BROOKE: I know what the doctors said I'm just worried he's not going to wake up. PEYTON: Brooke don't think that. BROOKE: I know. It's just the thought of losing him now. Anyway, um, I was going to go and grab a bite to eat and then go back over there. You want to go with me? PEYTON: You know I cant, right now. Maybe later? BROOKE: You've been saying that for two days. Look I know it's hard for you. PEYTON: You do? BROOKE: I know your mom died in that hospital. Lucas needs his friends right now and even if it's hard to be around him in that place, he's worth the trouble. PEYTON: Yeah, he is. I'll try to come by tomorrow. BROOKE: You're the best. I'll see ya. (Hugs her and leaves) [Lucas' Hospital Room] KAREN: (reading the sports paper to him) Let's see, LeBron James is first among rookies in points and assists per game. Carmelo Anthony is second. BROOKE: (coming in with a poster) You a big basketball fan? KAREN: It's important to Lucas so I like to try and keep up. BROOKE: Yeah I know what you mean. I'm suffering through Salinger for him. Would it kill a guy to read a little Jackie Cohens? (takes down a picture on the wall and hangs up a home made get well sign with pictures on it) KAREN: Did you make that? BROOKE: Yeah. I figured it'd be nice for Lucas to have when he wakes up. That's us at a Bear Creek game, and those are coasters from the place where I kicked his butt playing pool. KAREN: Nothing from the tattoo parlor. BROOKE: Okay that's totally on me. He's just so serious all the time, you know, I thought a tattoo might lighten him up. KAREN: And you couldn't take him to a comedy? BROOKE: So you're not a big tattoo fan. KAREN: Not on my son. No. BROOKE: I'm sorry. Honestly, I think I could probably set myself on fire and my mom wouldn't notice, so it's kind of hard to remember that some moms would. [River Court] (A lot of people are drawing on the court with chalk. Haley and Peyton pull up) HALEY: What is this? PEYTON: It started last night. People wanted to do something for Lucas. HALEY: Is that Tim? He's always been such an @#%$ to Lucas. PEYTON: Maybe it's his way of saying he's sorry. HALEY: Wow. Why am I not surprised Nathan isn't here. (She starts to walk around reading everything) JAKE: Hey you gotta love watching people make sense out of the way they feel for Lucas. PEYTON: Yeah who knew Tim could spell, right? JAKE: Yeah right. So how are you doing? PEYTON: Hanging in I guess. JAKE: Hey look I know we don't really run together but if you need someone to talk to, I'm around. PEYTON: Thanks, Jake. (Jake nods and walks onto the court) [Nathan's Driveway] (He's shooting hoops and missed a shot. Peyton comes up behind him) PEYTON: Your free throws look like crap. NATHAN: Glad to see you're picking up the slack in my dad's absence. PEYTON: He's not around? NATHAN: He moved out. My parents are getting a divorce. PEYTON: Oh wow, um. I'm sorry, Nathan, I didn't know. NATHAN: It's alright. They suck together anyways. Speaking of. What are you doing here? PEYTON: Haley. Actually. Um, listen I don't know what you did to her but I do know that she's the best thing that's ever happened to you. NATHAN: You including yourself in that? PEYTON: Yeah I am. NATHAN: Well yeah she is. She just doesn't believe me. PEYTON: So what happened? NATHAN: I told her that I only went after her at first to screw with Lucas. PEYTON: You're a real jackass you know that? NATHAN: Yeah I was. But it hasn't been about that with me and Haley for a long time. PEYTON: Nathan, Haley needs your help. She can't face Lucas. NATHAN: That's not really my place, is it? I mean Lucas isn't exactly my biggest fan. PEYTON: Doesn't mean you couldn't try. For Haley. NATHAN: So is this advice for me or for you? Well this is kind of weird huh? The two of us talking about each others relationships. PEYTON: It's all weird. NATHAN: Yeah. [Billing Department] KAREN: Thank you for making time to see me AMY: No problem. Sorry you had to wait. Okay, here's your receipt. KAREN: Um, I'm sorry, I'm a little tired. I don't understand. AMY: The bill's been taken care of, if you accrue any other expenses we'll charge the credit card on file. KAREN: What credit card? Who paid this bill? AMY: Let me just check. Your husband. Keith Scott. [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Brooke is sitting alone at the bed, Karen comes in) BROOKE: Are you okay? KAREN: Ever since I landed, nothing has been the way I expected it to be. BROOKE: Including your son's new girlfriend, right? KAREN: That's not true, I don't really know you, Brooke. BROOKE: Look I know I talk a lot when I'm nervous, actually I'm pretty gabby all the time. But my stupid quotient kind of goes sky high when I'm flipped out and meeting my boyfriend's mother in the hospital with all this going on is pretty much off the stress charts for me. But I'm here for you if you need anything. KAREN: Thank you. BROOKE: And, just so you know. The only thing I really want to see is Lucas laugh again. You know, hear him sing off key and watch him roll his eyes at me when I steal French fries off his plate. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm crazy about your son. And I hope that's enough for you. KAREN: Actually that's more than enough. (Deb knocks and comes in) DEB: I figured if I kept bringing food you're bound to eat sometime. BROOKE: Oh my God I'm starving. But that's probably not for me. Example of that stupid quotient thing. Okay I think I'm just going to go. KAREN: No no, why don't you stay? We could have dinner together. I mean if you're interested. BROOKE: I'd like that KAREN: Good BROOKE: I'll go get drinks. KAREN: (Looking at the Karen's Café delivery bag) That looks great. DEB: Oh yeah a start up company gave us 100 for free as a test run. I know it's the last thing on your mind but business is fine. KAREN: It's a strange world when the least important thing is doing well, and the most important thing is just hanging on. DEB: Yeah. Is there anything else I can do? KAREN: Yeah could you thank Dan for me? I haven't had a chance things have been so crazy, but as soon as I can leave the hospital I'll stop by the house. DEB: Dan isn't living at the house anymore. KAREN: What do you mean? DEB: We're getting a divorce. KAREN: This may sound crazy but I'm sorry. DEB: Thanks. See ya. (Deb leaves) KAREN: It was only six weeks. [Dan's Shop] (A woman walks in and Dan comes out oh his office) DAN: That car is perfect for you. WOMAN: How is that? DAN: Smooth lines, sleek styling. Dan Scott. WOMAN: Pleasure to meet you, Dan. Cynthia Price. Your wife's new attorney. I came here to tell you I've read the mediation agreement and I think it's more than fair. I wanted to give you a last chance to accept it. DAN: Sorry sweat heart, I've got a lot invested in my marriage and my family. Deb's not getting rid of me that easy. CYNTHIA: Is that love talking or just a bruised ego? DAN: Roll the dice and find out. But first, you go back to your client and you ask her if she's ready for what will come out about her if she does go to trial. CYNTHIA: (leaving) See you in court. [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Karen is sleeping in a chair. Nathan comes in and sits by Lucas) NATHAN: Hey man. I kind of need to talk to you. So I'm here because everything's screwed up. I know you don't trust me with Haley, but I like her a lot, you know? She's hurting right now too. She needs you to open your eyes man. She feels like she can't be forgiven. And I'm sort of in the same place. (leaning in more; puts his hands on the bed) This accident, might not turn out so bad, you know? You get to take a break from the game. The pressure and peoples expectations. I wish I had that chance. This might be hard to believe but maybe you're the lucky one. You can get out. (Lucas' fingers lift up onto Nathan's hands and his eyes open) Hey. LUCAS: Water. (Nathan gets a cup and helps him drink) What are you doing here? NATHAN: It's a long story. Let me get your mom. (He goes over and wakes up Karen) KAREN: Nathan? NATHAN: I think Lucas wants to talk to you. (She goes to the bed and Nathan leaves) KAREN: Lucas? Wake up sweetie, come on. Talk to me. LUCAS: (Singing) Don't take my sunshine away. KAREN: You heard that. LUCAS: I'm glad your back mom. KAREN: You too. Now I can kill you for that tattoo. [Karen's café] HALEY: Nathan I am not in the mood right now, okay? NATHAN: Lucas' is awake. I was there when he opened his eyes. I went to see him. HALEY: Why? NATHAN: Cause I knew you couldn't. I wanted him to know that you were thinking about him. Look I know that it was wrong to go after you for the reasons that I did. I can't apologize for it. I'm glad I did it. I'm not that person anymore. It's because of you. Let me take you to him. [Scott Body Shop] (Keith is sitting alone. He opens a ring box and looks at it then closes it) [River Court] (Peyton is drawing a large heart with the #3 in it in chalk on the court) [Dan's Shop] (Karen comes in) DAN: He handed me the consent forms, he needed surgery you have a right to be upset but...(She hugs him) KAREN: Thank you. (Dan nods) [Lucas' Hospital Room] (Brooke is sitting on his bed, Haley comes in and Brooke goes to the door to stand with Nathan. Haley sits on his bed) LUCAS: Hey buddy. I missed you. (Haley nods and lays on his chest and cries) [Karen at Home] (She walks in and sees the "We missed you" banner and dried up flowers. She sits down and cries)
Plan: A: a coma; Q: What state is Lucas in? A: her son's new girlfriend; Q: Who does Karen meet while holding a vigil at Lucas' bedside? A: Deb; Q: Who is divorcing Dan? A: Keith; Q: Who was drinking and driving when Lucas was in the accident? A: Nathan; Q: Who tries to win Haley back after she finds out that he was dating her to mess with Lucas? A: Sheryl Crow; Q: Whose song is "Driving While Intoxicated" named after? Summary: While holding a vigil at Lucas' bedside as he lies in a coma, Karen meets her son's new girlfriend, and learns that Deb and Dan are divorcing. Most shocking of all, Karen is horrified to discover that Keith was drinking while driving at the time of the accident. Meanwhile, Nathan tries to win Haley back after she gets to know that he was dating her just to mess with Lucas. This episode is named after a song by Sheryl Crow .
[Mystic Fall's high school] (Stefan is parking his car; Elena sees him and rejoins him) Elena: Nice car Stefan: That was a waste to leaves it in the garage (She smiles, they kiss) Elena: I didn't know we were coming back today Stefan: You know, I woke up this morning and I was feeling great and I figured it was time for me to get back in the things Elena: Is that mean you're okay now, with all the cravings? Stefan: Yeah, I mean the worst part is over so... now what I want to do is just spent as much time with you as possible Elena: I'm okay with that (They kiss) Stefan: Hey, thank you for helping me get through the rough patch Elena: You're welcome (pause, they look each other). We are going to be late Stefan: Okay, uh, you know what? I'll catch up with you, I'm gonna grab my stuff. I'll be right behind you Elena: Okay (She leaves; he goes to the trunk and opens it. There's a lot of blood pouch from mystic falls hospital. He grabs his stuff and clothes the trunk) [Founders hall] (Damon, John and Sheriff Forbes are talking) Sheriff Forbes: There was a disturbance at the hospital blood bank last night; some of the supply was compromised Damon: Compromised? You mean stolen? Sheriff Forbes: We almost missed it. The inventory records were altered but when the night manager was questioned he had no recollection of changing them John: That means that the vampire who stole the blood used mind control to hide the theft Damon (looking at John): I know what you meant Sheriff Forbes: We wouldn't noticed if John hadn't alerted us to recent discrepancies in other hospital blood banks in the county Damon: How lucky for us, we have John (He looks at John) Sheriff Forbes: We're stepping up security at the hospital, giving the guard vervain to prevent this from happening again John: Sheriff, may I offer a suggestion? Why don't Damon and I put our hands together? We can track down whoever is doing this Sheriff Forbes: Truthfully I can use the extra hands. Is that something you would be willing to do? Damon: of course, I mean if it'll help John: I think we could make a good team, don't you think Damon? (He looks at Damon) Damon: John, whenever I can do to help keep this town safe; even if it means spending time with you (He looks at John and smiles, John smiles too) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Alaric History Class) Alaric: Okay, this week we're gonna set outside the regular curriculum for a lesson on local history as we approach founder's day. Apparently the community lead feels it's more important that world war 2 but hey what do I know? (Bonnie interrupts him and enters the classroom) Bonnie: Sorry I'm late Alaric: Well, its lake we will be on full occupancy today. Welcome home Bonnie (Bonnie sits down and smiles at Elena but when she looks at Stefan she doesn't anymore smile and seems upset. Stefan smiles at her but she tries not to look and him and turns her head. Elena and Stefan don't understand, they look at each other) [Salvatore's house] (Someone is ringing the bell, Damon opens the door: it's Anna) Damon: I suppose I should be grateful, you learned how to use the bell Anna: I'm here on behalf of my mother (She enters) Damon: On behalf of or in spite of? Anna: I'm sorry about what the other vampires did to Stefan. Undocked him, tortured him... It wasn't supposed to go down like that Damon: You're plain house of half of a tomb of really pissed of vampires. What do you think was going to happen? Anna: My mom is devastated; they tried to over throw her Damon: Why isn't she here telling me this? Anna: She doesn't really do apology Damon: Well, it's a coincidence, 'cause I don't do forgiveness. Let just roll long. And if you're going continue playing house with these little vampires pets, you might wanna stop rubbing the blood bank dry because they're onto it Anna: I haven't been to the local blood bank in at least a week Damon: Then it's one of you others Anna: The others are gone Damon Damon: Well, where did they go? Anna: They were cut off of this town. After what happened with your brother my mom kicked them out and they took off. It's just us and Harper now (Damon is surprised; he doesn't know what to think) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Bonnie is walking, reading papers; Elena is running after her) Elena: Bonnie! Bonnie: Hey Elena: Hey, i tried to grab you after class but you already taken off. How are you? How's your family? Bonnie: We're dealing, it's been hard Elena: Everyone here really missed you Bonnie: Yeah, I just had so much to deal with after Grams' funeral and, honestly after you told me the tomb spell failed I just didn't really want to come back Elena: I hope you'll understand why I called... I wanted you to know before you came home Bonnie: I understand why. I just... shouldn't know (Long pause, they look at each other) Elena: I know it's been really hard... (Caroline interrupts them) Caroline: Bonnie! Bonnie! Thank god you're home! (She embraces Bonnie) Caroline: I know we talked everyday but I missed you (Elena looks at them, she seems sad) Caroline: How are you doing? Bonnie: Better. You know, glad to be back and trying to keep myself busy Caroline: Well, I can help with that. Major wardrobe problem. You need to help me pick up the perfect dress for the founder's court Elena: The founder's court? Did I miss something? Caroline: The founder's court! You know, Miss Mystic Falls. They announced it today and you and I are both on it Elena: Oh my god! We signed for this so long ago... I completely forgot Caroline: So, are you dropping out then? Elena: I can't (She looks at Bonnie) Caroline: No? Bonnie: Her mom is the one who wanted her into this [Salvatore's house] (Stefan is back from school. Damon was waiting for him) Damon: How was school? Stefan: Fine Damon: Yeah? Same old, same old? Nothing new? No stories to bring home? Stefan: You make it small talk, why? Damon: You seemed off the ship lately, less dump and glum, more peps in you steps Stefan: And you think it's because I drank human blood again Damon: I don't want to brag but I would definitely take responsibility for this new and improved you Stefan: Well, I hate to push the bubble but I'm clean Damon: Yeah, not possible Stefan: Not only isn't possible but it is quite true Damon: Stefan, just be serious for a second. You spent the last century and a half being a poster child for Prozac and now you expect me to believe that this new you has nothing to do with human blood. Nothing Stefan: I'm clean Damon: You're lying! Stefan: Believe what you want (Stefan leaves, Damon seems suspicious) [Gilbert's house/Salvatore's house] (Elena is in the kitchen; she opens the fridge and takes a bottle of water. She's on the phone with Stefan) Elena: I'm sorry for the short notice; I didn't even know that the contest was coming up much as less that I will be in it Stefan: I will be happy to escort you anyway Elena: My mom was really into this founder's day stuff. She was even Miss Mystic in her day. I want to do it for her Stefan: It'll be great, we'll have fun Elena: Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, I love you Stefan: I love you too (He hangs up. He has a blood pouch in his hands. He opens a drawer and hides the blood pouch in it. He goes in the basement and opens a fridge. There's a lot of blood pouch in it, he looks at it but Damon is looking at him in the shadow) Damon: Well well, he's a liar and a thief. So, when are you gonna share? Stefan: Go ahead, help yourself Damon: No, no, no I'm talking about the fact that you have a closet blood junkie Stefan: So, I'm drinking blood again. You're the one that shoved it on me, what's your problem? I have it under control Damon: Under control? You've robbed the hospital! Stefan: So, what's your point? Damon: Fine, whatever man, drink up. Just remember, we're trying to keep a low profile. Why don't you just walk up to Sheriff Forbes and ask her to tap a vein? Stefan: Have my actions negatively impacted you? I can't imagine what that must feel like Damon: Yeah, what Elena thinks about the new... you? Stefan: Nothing's changed; I'm still the same person Damon: Clearly Stefan: Elena doesn't need to know anything yet Damon: You've been out the human stuff for years Stefan. If you're having problems controlling... Stefan: I don't have any problems Damon: Who do you think you're talking to? I know what it's like. The Jekyll and Hyde feeling, that switch, sometime you goes off and snap. Right now is not a good time for me to be worried about you snapping Stefan: I know that it pains you to see this but I'm fine okay? I'm fine (He takes a pouch from the fridge) Stefan: So please, do me a favor and back off (He closes the fridge and leaves) [Founder's hall] (Carol Lockwood and two others woman are interviewing the girls who are in the Miss Mystic Falls pageant) Carol Lockwood: This year's queen will have the special honor of taking stage at the one hundred fiftieth founder's day gala. Before we crown a winner, we'd like to get to know a bit more about each of you Caroline: I'm on the MF beautification comity; I volunteered the poor soup kitchen Elena: I recognize that I haven't been as involved this year that I used to be Caroline: I implemented this year's go green campaign at school Elena: I've been distracted and I let a lot of things aside One of the girls: I don't think it's wrong for me to win two years in a row Amber: I was surprised to have been selected since I'm not one of the founding families Elena: But I'm aware of what an honor this is and I want you to know that I take it seriously Caroline: I worked for the recycling program and was in charge for the police's this year raffle Tina Fell: Just because my D.U.I. made my community service mandatory doesn't mean that I was any less committed Elena: This was really important to my mother. She believed in community, family, honor and loyalty. It's the legacy she'd left for me [Salvatore's house] (Someone is ringing the bell, Damon opens the door it's John. He enters in the house) John: Hey partner! Damon: What do you want? John: You haven't return any of my calls Damon: Most people take it has a hint John: Where do we start looking for vampires? Damon: How do you act John? You obviously don't care about catching vampires, you're here talking to me John: Actually, I care very much Damon: What Isobel says about that? I mean, considering that she is one John: Isobel and I share a mutual interest. The original Jonathan Gilbert has an invention and it was stolen by a vampire. That vampire was then burned alive in Fell's church, that's what Jonathan thought and the invention was lost forever. But then the vampires weren't killed, were they? They were trapped and now they're free, thanks to you which means the invention is retrieval Damon: What is it? John: The only thing that matter is that I want it back and you're going to help me if you want your secret safe Damon: Why bring me into it John? I mean, I don't know what you are talking about much less who has it John: Oh come on Damon! You were around back then, you know what this people are, what they look like. He was friendly with a woman who turned out to be a vampire. Her name was Pearl. Is that ring a bell? (Long pause, they look at each other) Damon: I'm not playing anymore. Get out John: I beg your pardon? Damon: You know, I only entertain this whole blackmail skin thing of yours because I thought you and Isobel could lead me to Katherine but see, now I know you've no idea where Katherine is, because if you did you would know that Katherine and Pearl were best friends. See, you don't know everything did you? John: I'll tell the entire council what you are Damon: Go for it! I'll kill every last one of them. Then I'll sever your hand, pull your ring off, and I'll kill you too. Do you understand that? [Mystic Fall's high school] (Carol Lockwood is teaching dance moves to the girls who are in the Mystic Falls pageant and their partners) Carol Lockwood: Stay focus, right hand around. Flirt with your eyes (Elena and Stefan are laughing) Left hand around Elena: This is ridiculous Stefan: You're only saying that because you don't know how to do it Elena: Sorry. Only one of us was around when the dance was invented Stefan: Ouch! (He catches her arm and makes her turn around herself) Mrs. Lockwood: No! No! There's no touching during this part. It's about the simple intimacy of the near touch Stefan: If you ask me, the 'near touch' is overrated Elena: You seem to be in a good mood Stefan: Is that a bad thing? Would you prefer me to be burring and tortured? Elena: Hey, I'm not complaining (They dance) (Caroline is in the hallway with Bonnie) Caroline: The Fell cousins don't have a shot and Amber Bradley is only on the court so the pageant doesn't look like its founding families only which of course it is. So that leaves Elena which totally has a simply vote since her parents died. How can I compete with that? Bonnie: Very nice, very sensitive Caroline: Oh I'm sorry, this must sound really unimportant Bonnie: It's okay, I get it, you want to win Caroline: Well, my grandmother was Miss Mystic and both of my ants. My mom is the only one who didn't get the gene and I want this. I actually deserve this (They leave, Bonnie falls into Elena and Stefan, and she's uncomfortable) Elena: Hey Stefan: Hey, how are you? (She doesn't answer, Elena and Stefan feel that there's a problem) Caroline: I begged Bonnie to have filled in for Matt, he had to work today (Elena looks at Bonnie) Elena: Bonnie, do you have a minute? Bonnie: we only have 30 minutes for rehearsal Elena: It'll only take a minute, please? (They are going apart) Elena: Bonnie you have to tell me what's wrong Bonnie: It not worth talking about Elena: What do you mean don't worth it? You barely said ten words to me and you won't even look at Stefan. Is that what it is? Is it Stefan? Bonnie: Look, Elena, I can't just pretend that everything's okay. Everything my grams did was to protect us from those vampires from the tomb. And now they're out which means she died for nothing Elena: I'm so sorry Bonnie, What can I do to make it better? Bonnie: That just did, there's nothing you can do. I blame him Elena, him and Damon and I'm not gonna put you in a situation where you have to choose sides. I'm just having a hard time with it okay? (Stefan is listening to them) (Stefan is walking on the campus, one of the basketball players is hurt, he is bleeding. Stefan is not okay. Alaric arrives and touches him. Stefan strangles him) Alaric: Are you okay? Stefan: Yes, I'm sorry. I was just... feeling sick (He leaves, Alaric watches him) [Gilbert's house] (Elena goes down the stairs; she has her dress on the arm. Someone knocks at the door: it's Alaric) Elena: Hey Stefan: Hi Elena: I heard you're driving Alaric: Yeah I'm. Let me get that for you (He takes the dress) Alaric: Thanks (He enters the house and closes the door) Alaric: How... how is Stefan? Elena: What do you mean? Alaric: You know, he seems on edge Elena: He went through a lot, he was in bad shape for a while but he's back now (They look at each other, John arrives) John: Alaric. Hey buddy what are you doing here? Alaric: I'm the chauffeur John: I thought I was driving (Jenna goes down the stairs) Jenna: No need, we go with Rick Elena: Are we ready? Jenna: Jeremy can drive with you [Founder's hall] (Anna arrives, she goes outside. Damon rejoins her) Damon: n the running for Miss Mystic Falls? Anna: Sometimes you have to wear uncomfortable heals to blend in. I remember this event from 1864, I was supposed to honor before everything happened Damon: Ah, nostalgia's a bitch Anna: If you're just gonna mock me can you move along please? Damon: John Gilbert thinks your mom stole an aterfact from Jonathan senior, senior back in 1864 Anna: What are you, his errant boy? Damon: I don't know what it is but I don't want him to have it Anna: I could ask her but you know, you've made it pretty clear that you don't trust us so why should I even bother? Damon: Because you want to stay in Mystic Falls and John Gilbert's in town, making that impossible. Find out where it is. He leaves and you can buy your welcome mat (The girls are putting their make up on. Jenna is arranging Elena's hair) Elena: Thanks for helping me Jenna: Don't thank me until you're sure your hair isn't gonna burn off Elena: You know I remember when my mom and I were first planning for this, she was excited Jenna: So were you if I recall Elena: I was. She's made it sounded like something so much fun. Lots of things changed then Jenna: I hate to brake it to you but its little late for cold feet Elena: I don't have cold feet. It's just... I think I'd be enjoying a lot more if she was here (Long pause) Jenna: Well I tell you one thing, your hair would had better chance if she was Elena: Okay, I should go put my dress on. Be careful with that thing, don't hurt anybody (She gets up and leaves, Caroline looks at her, she seems sad) (Jeremy is outside, alone, John rejoins him) John: You look miserable Jeremy: Are they really a whole month of these events that I'm supposed to show up at? John: You could fight it if you want but it's part of being a Gilbert Jeremy: Yeah, you mentioned you know a lot about the family. You know anything about our ancestor Jonathan Gilbert? John: Prolific writer, crazy inventor. Why do you ask? Jeremy: Well, I read his journal John: Is that right? Jeremy: Yeah, I actually found it in all dads' stuff John: Well, it's surprising. Most of them are locked away Jeremy: There are more of them? John: Jonathan Gilbert journaled his whole life. Right down his bedroom, insane, drunk and mad. The guy had a lot of demons Jeremy: And did you read them? John: Leafed through, yeah Jeremy: What did you think about what he wrote? John: Crazy ramblings of a mad man of course (Long pause; He turns his head and sees Anna, he looks at her) John: She's very pretty (She looks at him and leaves) Jeremy: Yeah, uh she's a friend of mine. Excuse me (He leaves) (Elena enters in a room to put her dress. Amber is already here, she's stressed) Elena: Are you okay Amber? Amber: I hate being the center of attention, I get panic attacks Elena: You need some privacy so you can change? Amber: Actually I'm gonna go get some air (She leaves and clothes the door. Elena takes her dress, she sees Damon in the mirror) Elena: Hey, you can't be back here Damon: We need to talk Elena: It has to be right now? Damon: Normally I would have a completely different outlook of what I'm about to tell you but since it's really inconvenient to me, I'll squib Elena: What are you talking about? Damon: Stefan's still drinking human blood Elena: What?! Damon: Yeah, a month ago I would have ajoiced but with the council back on the alert, it is not a good time for Stefan to lose his mind Elena: I know he's been a little edgy but he said that was normal Damon: He has a fridge full of stolen blood bank contraband in the house (She sits down on the couch) Elena: Oh my god Damon: He has no idea where normal is, his entire existence isn't normal. Normal to a vampire is drinking human blood but he spent all the time fighting it when he should have learn to control it and now it's controlling him instead Elena: I can't believe it. I mean, it's Stefan that we're talking about here Damon: Stefan on human blood Elena; he'll do anything, he'll say anything because is not gonna want to stop. Trust me [SCENE_BREAK] (Jeremy is running after Anna) Jeremy: Anna! Anna: What is it? Jeremy: Come on, don't be like that Anna: Why not? You were basically using me to turn you into a vampire so you can be with someone else Jeremy: No, I wasn't using you Anna: Really? And how would you like to define it? Jeremy: Look, I don't think it's any worse of becoming friends with me so you can give to your mother my blood Anna: How do you know that? Jeremy: It's not important Anna: Seriously Jeremy, what do you know? Jeremy: Everything, I know everything (Elena is still talking to Damon) Elena: This is all my fault; I'm the one who fed him to blood in the first place (Stefan enters, interrupting them) Stefan: What's going on in here? Damon: I was just filling Elena on your extra-curricular activities Stefan (laughing): What are you talking about? Elena: know about the blood Stefan Damon: I'll be downstairs, drinking (He leaves Stefan smiles) Stefan: I was going to tell you Elena: When? Stefan: I'm fine. I'm fine, the blood, it doesn't change anything Elena: It's changing you Stefan: Why? Because I kept a secret from you? Come on Elena, look, giving the way you're reacting right now, can you really blame me for doing that? Elena: Are you hearing yourself right now? You've been stealing blood and lying and you say that everything's fine? Everything's not fine Stefan! Stefan: So what's you and Damon all the sudden have everything figured out then? Elena: it's not about Damon. It's about what's happening to you Stefan: I know and I'm telling you that I'm fine. I'm fine. Please come on. Elena I thought you... I thought you believed in me (Someone is knocking on the door. It's Carole Lockwood) Carole Lockwood: Elena, let's go. The line up's starting Elena: I just... I need a minute Carole Lockwood: You're not even dressed yet. Escorts wait downstairs Stefan (He looks at Elena and leaves) (Stefan goes into the bathroom and slams the door. He's angry. He puts his fist into the mirror and breaks it. Amber enters in the bathroom) Amber: Oh my god, sorry! (Stefan's face has changed; he goes towards her) (The escorts, the mayor and a crowd of people are waiting for the girls) Mayor Lockwood: Miss Tina Fell, escorted by Bartholomew Whitmore (Tina goes down the stairs. Upstairs Caroline and Elena are waiting) Caroline Lockwood: Has anyone seen Amber? Elena (looking if she sees Stefan downstairs): Do you see Stefan down there? (Caroline look above the balcony) Caroline: Nope, just my boring fill in escort Elena: What happened to Matt? Caroline: They wouldn't let him out of work and what happened to Stefan? Elena: I don't know, he just disappeared somewhere, I don't know. What am I doing? I never should have gone through this Caroline: What do you mean? Elena: I need to find Stefan, this isn't me, I'm not this person anymore Caroline: No, no, no way, no. You had your chance to drop out and believe me I was of for it because there was no way that I could beat you. Elena, you're doing this because it was important to your mom Mayor Lockwood: Miss Caroline Forbes and her escort Jeffrey Lockwood Hamilton (She looks at Elena and goes down the stairs) Carol Lockwood: Elena, you're next (Jeremy is still talking with Anna) Anna: You're missing Elena's introduction Jeremy: I don't care Anna: So, she has no idea you read her journal? Jeremy: She keeps things from me, I'm gonna keep things from her Anna: What are you gonna do now? Now that you know everything she's been hiding from you? Jeremy: I don't know. There's a part of me that's so angry, you know, she has covered up what happened to Vicky and raised my memory but there's this other part of me that's glad. I... I don't want to remember Vicky like that Anna: As a monster? Jeremy: No, as someone who wanted to hurt me Anna: When I met you, you were just a part of my plan to get my mother back but then things changed... All the time we spent together... I would never do anything to hurt you, not now. You know that right? Jeremy: Yeah I know that (They look at each other and smile. John is a behind them, he's heard everything) (Stefan is in the parking lot with Amber; he holds her arm and makes her following him) Amber: Where are we going? Stefan: I don't know Amber: I'm in the ceremony (He pushes her against his car) Stefan: No, now you're not (He compels her) Stefan: You're standing in the parking lot with me Amber: I'm on the parking lot with you Stefan: I'm sorry. I'm not very good to be around right now, I'm a little bit on the edge. I've been drinking the human stuff and it's screwing with my head. She knows now. God! She wasn't supposed to found out, I didn't want her to found out, now everything's ruined Amber: You seem sad (He laughs) Stefan: I'm not sad. I'm freaking hungry! (Elena is waiting upstairs) Mayor Lockwood: Miss Elena Gilbert, escorted by Mister Stefan Salvatore (Damon looks for Stefan. Elena goes down the stairs and looks for Stefan but she doesn't see him. Damon takes Stefan's place to escort Elena. She smiles and rejoins him) Elena: Where is Stefan? Damon: I don't know (He takes her hand and they rejoins the others girls and their escorts outside) Jenna: What is she doing with Damon? Alaric: I have no idea (The girls and their escorts begin to dance. Elena and Damon dance, they look at each other and smile. The dance end) (Stefan is still on the parking lot with Amber) Stefan: I don't hurt people, I don't do that, I'm the good brother Amber: Do you want to hurt me? (He looks at her) Stefan: I want to kill you, I want to rip into your skin and I want to feel on your blood (He touches her hair and looks at her neck) Stefan: Under your skin, pulsating, floating (He touches her neck) Stefan: Your carotid artery right here. If you punch right you can control the blood flow. It takes practice but it doesn't have to make a mess, you don't have to waste any Amber: What's stopping you? Stefan (still touching amber's face): If I do this, if I give in, there's no going back Amber: Then don't Stefan: I just want one taste; all I need is just one more taste (His face change) Amber: One taste? (He finally bites her and drinks her blood) (The girls are on the stage, the mayor arrives) Caroline: Where is Amber? Elena: I don't know Mayor Lockwood: Before I crown a winner, I'd like to offer a personal thank you to all of these young ladies for their efforts to better our community (Everyone applause) Mayor Lockwood: So, without further due it is my honor to announce our very own Miss Mystic Falls, Miss Caroline Forbes! (She is surprised. She and Elena are laughing) Elena: Congratulations Caroline: I actually won (They embrace each other; the mayor puts the scar on her shoulder) (John and Sheriff Forbes are in the bathroom where Stefan was earlier) John: There is blood on the glass (They look at each other) Sheriff Forbes: Get me Stefan Salvatore (Stefan is still on the parking lot with Amber) Stefan: I can't do this Amber: What's the matter? Stefan: I can't do this Amber: It's okay, doesn't hurt that much, just not so hard next time Stefan: Oh god oh god oh god! I can't stop (He touches her face) Stefan: Why aren't you afraid of me? Amber: You told me not to be Stefan: What? What's your name? Amber: Amber Stefan: Listen to me Amber. I need you to be afraid of me. I need to run like hell do you understand me? Run, run now! (She runs) (Damon is waiting for Elena, she rejoins him) Elena: What is it, did you find him? Damon: They were signs of struggling on the upstairs bathroom (Bonnie is looking at them) Damon: There was blood and that Amber girl is missing Elena: Oh my god! He wouldn't hurt her, he won't! Damon: Let's just find him okay? Let's get your coat come on! (They leave, Bonnie follows them) (Amber is running but she falls into Stefan) Amber: You said to run! Stefan: I changed my mind (She screams and he bites her. Elena, Damon and Bonnie arrive) Elena: Stefan! (He releases her) Damon: Stefan, come on get control. It's okay, come on. Breath through a bit (Stefan catches Damon and throws him against a tree. Damon gets up) Elena: Stefan stop it! (All the sudden Stefan holds his head, it hurts him. Bonnie is doing it to calm down Stefan. He looks at everybody) Damon: It's okay Stefan (Stefan runs and leaves) (The police is here. Damon, Bonnie and Elena are still here) Sheriff Forbes: She doesn't remember what happened Damon: It's a good thing the girls got here before I did, she lost lot of blood Sheriff Forbes (to Bonnie and Elena): You didn't see anything? (Long pause, Elena and Damon look at Bonnie) Elena: No, we just found her and called Damon Bonnie: Is she gonna be okay? Sheriff Forbes: It looks like it yeah. Why do you girls don't get back to the party? Damon and I can take it from here Elena: Okay (Elena and Bonnie leave; Damon stays with the Sheriff) Sheriff Forbes: They didn't see the bite mark? Damon: No, I got here before they got too close. There was too much blood, they couldn't see it clearly (They look at each other) (Bonnie goes to her car, Elena follows her) Elena: Bonnie, can we talk about this? Bonnie: There's nothing to talk about Elena: Bonnie please Bonnie: I told you I wasn't gonna make you choose but I need to make the choice for myself. Please just leave me alone (She goes into her car, Elena looks sad) (Jeremy is still talking to Anna. Jenna calls him) Jenna: Jer, are you ready? Jeremy: Just a sec (She leaves and falls into John) John: Who's that girl with Jeremy? Jenna: His friend Anna John: What's her story? Jenna: why so nosy? John: I'm just curious; he really seems to like her Jenna: She's new in town I think. She and her mom Pearl, the family you're so rudely you try to prevent from buying Grayson's building John (looking at Anna and Jeremy): Her mother's name is Pearl? Jenna: Yes, so? John: Well, I believe I already know all about her (Alaric goes out, Elena is waiting for him) Alaric: Good, there you are. Jenna wants me to get the car (He looks at Elena, she's not okay) Alaric: What happened? [Salvatore's house] (Damon is going home but Anna is waiting for him) Damon: Anna, this is getting weird Anna: We're here to talk (Pearl arrives) Damon: Not in the mood, today's been a no good, very bad day Pearl: Annabelle tells me you're looking for something I took from Jonathan Gilbert Damon: 'm listening (She gives him the device) Damon: What is it? Pearl: Jonathan was passionate by his inventions. He confided in me that he had created a detection device meant to track down the town's vampire element Damon: It was a pocket watch Pearl: That's what it turned out to be yes. But that's not what I stole. I discovered my mistake when I saw the watch in Jonathan's hand, the night he took us, its stile pointed in me (Damon looks at the device) Damon: So what is this? Pearl: I have no idea but now it's yours Damon: What's the catch? Pearl: There is no catch. My daughter wants to stay here, I want to stay here. You refused to trust us and for good reasons. Consider this an apology (He looks at them and leaves) (Stefan enters in his bedroom, he tries to calm down. Elena arrives) Stefan: You shouldn't be here Elena: I know Stefan: Now you know Elena: That wasn't you Stefan: oh, it was absolutely me. A monster, a predator, that's who I am Elena Elena: That's what the blood makes you Stefan: The blood brings out what's inside of me and if you think any differently then you're an idiot Elena: I know this isn't you Stefan Stefan: I wanted to drain every ounce of blood from that girl's body Elena: No Stefan: It's who I am Elena Elena: No, you can't scare me off Stefan: Why would you risk it? Why would you come here? Elena: Because I did this, this is my fault; I'm the one who made you drink the blood Stefan: All you did was expose me to who I really am Elena: It isn't you Stefan (screaming): Stop saying that! (She begins to get closer to him) Stefan: Don't get any closer to me Elena: I'm not gonna let this happen to you Stefan: Stop Elena: Stefan, I'm not gonna give up on you! I believe in you! Stefan: Stop! (He pushes her against the wall) Stefan: Stop! (He hits the wall next to her head. She's afraid; he looks at her) Stefan: I'm so sorry Elena: It's okay (He puts his head on her shoulder; He begins to cry) Stefan: I don't know what's happening to me Elena: It's okay Stefan shut. Its okay, you're gonna be okay (She takes a vervain dart and puts it in his body. He falls and Damon enters in the room, she looks at him) Damon: Sure you want to do this? Elena: I'm sure (They put him in a jail in the basement. He closes the door) Damon: There's no guarantee it's going to work Elena: It has to Damon: Coming? Elena: I'm gonna stay here (She sits down; Damon looks at her and sits down too. She looks at him)
Plan: A: The episode; Q: What episode ends with Elena injecting vervain into Stefan? A: Stefan; Q: Who is the vampire who breaks the mirror at the Miss Mystic Falls contest? A: school; Q: Where does Stefan go when the episode begins? A: the Founder's Day Gala; Q: Where do Elena and Caroline compete in the Miss Mystic Falls contest? A: town; Q: Where does Bonnie return to? A: the Salvatore brothers; Q: Who does Bonnie associate with? A: Damon; Q: Who tells Elena that Stefan has been drinking human blood again? A: a mirror; Q: What does Stefan break when Elena confronts him about drinking blood? A: One; Q: How many contestants did Stefan take from the Miss Mystic Falls contest? A: Amber Daly; Q: Who does Stefan take after breaking a mirror? A: Anna; Q: Who did Jeremy apologize to at the dance? A: a vampire; Q: What did Jeremy use Anna to become? A: friends; Q: What did Anna want to be with Jeremy? A: his blood; Q: What did Anna want to use to revive her mother? A: Elena's escort; Q: What role does Damon play at the dance? A: subdue; Q: What do Elena and Damon do to Stefan after they find him in the woods? A: John Gilbert; Q: Who tries to intimidate Damon? A: the cellar; Q: Where does Elena lock Stefan to try to help him control his blood urges? Summary: The episode begins with Stefan going back to school. Elena approaches him, surprised to see him there, but he claims that his cravings for human blood are over. At the Founder's Day Gala, Elena and Caroline compete in the "Miss Mystic Falls" contest. Bonnie returns to town and Elena is very happy to have her back, but Bonnie is cold and distant. Bonnie reveals that she feels angry and alienated with Elena because of her association with the Salvatore brothers. At the Miss Mystic Falls contest, Damon tells Elena that Stefan has been drinking human blood again. Stefan is angry when Elena confronts him with this information, and breaks a mirror. One of the Miss Mystic Falls contestants, Amber Daly, sees him do this, so Stefan takes her. Anna shows up at the dance, and Jeremy attempts to apologize for using her to become a vampire. Jeremy tells Anna that he knows that the only reason Anna wanted to be friends with him was so she could use his blood to revive her mother. Anna asks Jeremy how much he knows and he says he knows everything. Anna and Jeremy make up and Anna says she would never do anything to hurt him. Back at the dance, Damon poses as Elena's escort, since Stefan is not there. Later Elena and Damon, with help from Bonnie, locate and subdue Stefan after seeing him in the woods feeding off of Amber. Meanwhile, John Gilbert tries unsuccessfully to intimidate Damon. The episode ends with Elena injecting vervain into Stefan. She and Damon lock him in the cellar in an attempt to help him control his blood urges.
Teleplay by: Seth Kirkland Story by: Michael Curtis [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.] Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica! (Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.) Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn! Monica: That was a half an hour? Chandler: It's your timer. (They change places.) Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages! Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice! (She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.) Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!! Monica: It's so good, isn't it? Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it! Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles! Chandler: Good-bye muscles!! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.] Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just-I didn't know what it was! Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her. Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth. Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey. Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.) Ross: Sorry. Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.) Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat. Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff. Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear. Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this. (Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.) Chandler: Done. Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out. Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach! Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off! Joey: All right. (Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going? Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital. (All at once.) Rachel: What? Ross: Is everything okay? Joey: Are you all right? Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died. Joey: Pheebs! Sorry! Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit. Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now? Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse! Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having s*x in a car right outside. Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died. Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins. Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die? Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again. Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter. [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.] Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear? Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then. Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.) Joey: Really? A purse? Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag. Joey: It looks like a women's purse. Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag. Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man. Rachel: Exactly! Unisex! Joey: Maybe you need s*x. I had s*x a couple days ago. Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex. Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that. [Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.] Ursula: Who is it? Phoebe: It's Phoebe. Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up? Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in? Ursula: Umm, yeah-no thanks. Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died. Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago? Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow. Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready. Phoebe: No you didn't! Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years? Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not? Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So... I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left. Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.) Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! (As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.) Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani! Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up! Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow. Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.) Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it. Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag! Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350. Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.) Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey... Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you. Ross: What's the part, Anti-man? Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy. Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.) [Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.] Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on. (The gang arrives.) Rachel: Hi sweetie! Ross: Hey, how are you holding up? Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag! Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.) Phoebe: Thanks! Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine. (Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.) Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial? (The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.) Phoebe: Yeah, welcome. Man: Hello. Hello. Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses. Man: Oh, umm, all right. Phoebe: So how did you know Francis? Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter. Phoebe: Really?! What's your name? Man: Umm, Frank Buffay. (Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.) Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill. Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay? Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill! Phoebe: You just said... Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.) Phoebe: But... (Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: What?! What honey? Ross: What happened? Phoebe: That was my dad! Chandler: Oh my God! (They all look down the hall he left from.) Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.] Monica: Oh, did you catch him?! Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross: Wh-what did he say?! Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name? Rachel: Why?! Why not?! Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned! Joey: What did you say to him? Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later. The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats? Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma. Rachel: Okay. Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye. (They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.] Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look? Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part. Chandler: And a date with a man! Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.) Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad. Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are? Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself. Monica: Well, at least you scared someone. Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it. Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you. Phoebe: All right. (She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away from her.) Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?! Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone! Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage.) Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain! Monica: No he's not! Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is! Monica: What?! Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww! Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that. Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings. Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other... (Pauses after she realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society. [Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.] The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey. Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink. The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse? Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should-I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.) The Casting Director: Sure. What? Joey: Well, first it's not a purse. The Casting Director: Okay, anytime. Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag! The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go! Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them! The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags? Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves. The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great! Joey: Yeah but I didn't read anything. The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough! Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.] Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here? Monica: No. Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em. Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me-just say, "I don't like your massages." Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages. Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal. Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying! Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work. Chandler: What? Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages. Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything. Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all! Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world. Monica: I'm crying here!! Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you. Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that? Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes! Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica? Chandler: Absolutely! Monica: Okay. I suck! Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.) [Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.] Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me. Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right. Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just-I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay. Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm. Phoebe: Okay. Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me? Phoebe: Huh? Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right? Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah-no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick. Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's-ew used. Umm, cool. Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct? Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was. Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children? Frank Sr.: It really says that?! Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.) Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C. Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man? Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm... Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.) Phoebe: What?! Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please? Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly? Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why? Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.) Frank Sr.: She what?! Phoebe: She's dead. Frank Sr.: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake. Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just-I can't believe this. How-how-Oh my God. How long ago? Phoebe: 17 years ago. Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls? Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch. (Silence ensues.) Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you! Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don't, I don't know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty. Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there. Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left? Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn't matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go. Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father. Phoebe: That's a defense? Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to help you sleep, but that made you cry even more! Phoebe: You make up songs? Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.) Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.) Yeah. (Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.) Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm... (Backs away.) Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.) (She holds his hand for a little while then...) Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.] Joey: (dejected) Hi. All: Hey! Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go? Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.) Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it! Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me. Ross: What kind of problem? Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag! Chandler: Oh my God! Ross: Nooooo! Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway! Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag. Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag! Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I'm sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it... (Looks for help.) Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.) Rachel: ...I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag. Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this! Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a bag, I just-it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial. Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.
Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who's grandmother dies? A: her father; Q: Who does Phoebe's grandmother's funeral? A: an encounter; Q: What does Phoebe arrange to learn more about her father? A: her identity; Q: What does Phoebe not reveal to Frank? A: Joey; Q: Who wants to look stylish for an upcoming audition? A: Rachel; Q: Who helps Joey look stylish for an upcoming audition? A: an accessory; Q: What is a man's bag considered? A: Monica; Q: Who is upset that Chandler dislikes her massages? Summary: Phoebe's grandmother dies, and she is shocked when her father, Frank, comes to the funeral. Wanting to know more about him, she arranges an encounter without revealing her identity. Joey wants to look stylish for an upcoming audition, so Rachel helps out, styling him with a "man's bag" as an accessory. Joey loves the bag, but everyone else considers it a purse. Monica is upset that Chandler dislikes her massages, which he finds extremely painful.
First Broadcast: 15.02.64 Running Time: 25 minutes 04 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR enters from the living quarters and crosses over to the control panel. He looks at a set of controls and his hands falter in mid air. Suddenly, he turns around and a pair of hands grips his neck. It is IAN who looks as if he is in a trance. The DOCTOR thrusts him off and IAN falls to the floor with a wide-eyed cry. BARBARA enters, wearing a long black dressing gown and rushes over to IAN who is lying unconscious on the floor.) DOCTOR: So it was you? BARBARA: Ian! DOCTOR: It's no use pretending. BARBARA: Well help him. DOCTOR: Help him? You saw him. You saw trie ... what he tried to do. BARBARA: But now he's fainted just like Susan did. DOCTOR: She didn't faint. It was you that told me she fainted, and I very nearly believed you. BARBARA: Oh, what does it matter? DOCTOR: Matter? Matter? Young lady, he very nearly tried to strangle me! BARBARA: But he has fainted, look at him. DOCTOR: (Dismissive.) Oh, he's play-acting. (The DOCTOR walks away. BARBARA stands up and trails him.) BARBARA: No he isn't! (Quieter.) Oh Doctor, don't you see? Something terrible's happening to all of us. DOCTOR: Not to me, nothing's happened to me. This is a plot between the two of you to get control of my ship. BARBARA: Oh, that isn't true! DOCTOR: Can't you see I've found you out? Why won't you admit it? Hmm? (While they are arguing, SUSAN has come in unnoticed.) SUSAN: (To BARBARA, coldly.) Yes, why don't you. BARBARA: Susan! SUSAN: You've been behaving very strangely. Both of you. BARBARA: But... SUSAN: (Crossing to the DOCTOR.) I think you're right Grandfather. BARBARA: But you're wrong. I swear we haven't done anything. DOCTOR: I told you I'd treat you as enemies. (The DOCTOR looks meaningfully at SUSAN who realises what he is implying.) SUSAN: No! DOCTOR: There's no other way. BARBARA: Well what are you going to do? DOCTOR: That is my business. (BARBARA rushes over to IAN.) BARBARA: (In a panic.) Ian, wake up! For heaven's sake, wake up Ian! (She turns IAN over and looks up at the DOCTOR who stares back at her. She turns back to IAN.) BARBARA: Ian! Ian, help me! (IAN becomes conscious.) IAN: Eh... I... I... DOCTOR: There's no alternative. Your little trick endangered our lives. (SUSAN crosses over to IAN and BARBARA.) SUSAN: How did he get like this? DOCTOR: Oh, it's all a charade. BARBARA: He went near the control panel. (SUSAN turns to face the DOCTOR.) SUSAN: It did happen to me, grandfather. BARBARA: (Grabbing her.) Yes, you remember! You lost your memory, and there was this terrible pain at the back of your neck. SUSAN: (Remembering.) Yes. Yes, that's true. BARBARA: What do you think we've done? Hypnotised you? Drugged you? Susan, we wouldn't do anything like that, believe me. DOCTOR: I see, divide and conquer eh? (To SUSAN.) She's trying to poison your mind against me. (Suddenly, IAN sits up but he is delirious...) IAN: (Shouts.) Don't touch it Doctor! (He falls back, unconscious again.) SUSAN: (To BARBARA.) I do believe you. (To the DOCTOR.) Grandfather, they couldn't have done all the things that have happened to us. DOCTOR: Oh, yes I admit they were very smart. SUSAN: No, it's not a question of being smart. DOCTOR: Don't you see I wouldn't allow them to hurt you child? They're very resourceful and cunning. And it leaves ... only leaves me one recourse. They must be put off the ship. SUSAN: No, you can't do that! DOCTOR: I can, and I must. BARBARA: But you can't open the doors. DOCTOR: Don't underestimate u... underestimate my powers young lady. SUSAN: Look grandfather, you've no means of telling what's out there. There may be no air, it may be freezing, it may be too hot to exist. DOCTOR: Yes, or it might be the Earth in the twentieth century. Hadn't it occurred to you? My ship is very valuable remember. BARBARA: Why are you so suspicious of us? DOCTOR: Put yourself in my place, young lady, and you'd do precisely the same thing wouldn't you? Hmm? (IAN is recovering slowly again on the floor.) IAN: What are you two saying to each other? DOCTOR: You're getting off the ship Chesterton. IAN: Now? DOCTOR: Yes, now! Get up! IAN: Hmmph. (IAN tries to get up, but he can't.) IAN: (Still slightly delirious.) You'll have to help me Barbara. BARBARA: Yes. I... IAN: You'll have to help me Barbara. BARBARA: Yes. IAN: I'll be all right when I get outside. SUSAN: Grandfather, he doesn't know what's happening. I won't let you do this! DOCTOR: If, of course, they'd like to confess to me what they have done to my ship, I may even change my mind. (A loud noise, similar to a foghorn blares out from the TARDIS console. The DOCTOR and SUSAN turn round suddenly.) BARBARA: Wha... what was that? SUSAN: The danger signal! DOCTOR: (Shouting.) The fault locator! (He rushes across to it. The panel is ablaze with light.) DOCTOR: (Pointing.) The whole of it! (IAN sits up.) IAN: Ah! Don't touch it Doctor! BARBARA: It's all right. IAN: No! No! You'll get knocked out! BARBARA: It's all right! SUSAN: Grandfather, tell me. DOCTOR: The whole area of the fault locator has just given us a warning. SUSAN: Well everything can't be... everything can't be wrong. DOCTOR: That's what it means child. (IAN kneels up and reaches his hands round BARBARA'S neck. Just like he did with the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR watches with shock as BARBARA takes IAN'S hands away and quietly speaks to him,) BARBARA: No, Ian. Ian, it's all right. It's all right. It's all right. (IAN is sitting on the floor shaking.) IAN: I pulled you away. The controls are alive. (IAN becomes unconscious again. BARBARA looks round, and looks up at the DOCTOR who is towering over her. She looks frightened.) DOCTOR: No, you mustn't be frightened of me. Not now, please. I can't explain, but I've just realised the danger we're in. (The 'danger' signal sounds again and SUSAN returns from the fault locator.) SUSAN: They're off again, Grandfather. (She returns to the panel.) DOCTOR: Oh, er ... look. We must pull him round. (The DOCTOR kneels down. IAN begins to stir.) DOCTOR: You see that panel up there? (He indicates the panel.) You've heard me refer to it, the fault locator? BARBARA: Yes. DOCTOR: If one small piece of apparatus fails, a little valve illuminates and tells me precisely where the fault is. Can you imagine what would happen, if the whole of it lights up?! Hmm? (He stands.) It means, that the ship is on the point of disintegration. You're not to blame. All four of us are to blame! (IAN recovers.) IAN: Oh, you're all right. Ha. That drink you gave us? DOCTOR: Oh, a mere harmless sleeping drug. IAN: Ah, I thought so. DOCTOR: Yes, you rather suspected I was upset ... up to some mischief. IAN: Yes, and I... I told you not to go near the control column. I told you. You'll electrocute yourself. DOCTOR: I'm afraid I ... must have misjudged you both. (The 'danger' signal rings out. SUSAN returns from the fault locator.) SUSAN: Fifteen seconds. It's happening every fifteen seconds. DOCTOR: Hmm. BARBARA: But all the clocks are... SUSAN: I counted. DOCTOR: Well, please go on counting. (SUSAN nods and runs back to the fault locator. BARBARA and the DOCTOR help IAN up.) DOCTOR: Now both of you, listen, can you concentrate? IAN: Yes, I think I'm all right. DOCTOR: We're on the brink of descrus...of destruction, so the ... all four of us must work closely together. We must find out where we are and what is happening to my ship. IAN: Just a moment. Why did you say that, the brink of destruction? DOCTOR: There's a strong force at work somewhere, which is threatening my ship. It's so strong that every piece of equipment can be out of action at the same time. IAN: What?! Total disintegration? DOCTOR: Precisely. We haven't crash-landed otherwise I would have discovered that immediately. And I don't believe there is an evil intelligence in the ship. Just at the same token, I don't really believe that you, either of you, have been the cause of this trouble. IAN: Well what is then? DOCTOR: I don't know, but we must find out. IAN: Yes, but how long have we got? (The 'danger' signal sounds again. SUSAN enters.) SUSAN: It's happening every quarter of a minute. IAN: Well what does that prove? (BARBARA suddenly realises what has been going on.) BARBARA: That we have a measure of time as long as it lasts. Yes of course, that explains the clock face. We had time taken away from us, and now it's being given back to us... because it's running out! (The TARDIS console is rocked by an explosion again, throwing everyone off balance. They stumble about the room. The control column moves.) SUSAN: The column! DOCTOR: But it ... it's impossible! (IAN moves round to the DOCTOR.) IAN: Doctor, I thought it only moved when the power was on. DOCTOR: Yes. The heart of the machine is under the column. IAN: Well what made it move? DOCTOR: The source of power. You see when the column rises, it proves the extent of the power thrust. BARBARA: (Scared.) Then what would have happened had the column come out completely? SUSAN: (Shocked.) Well, the power would be free...free to escape! DOCTOR: Can it be possible then ... that this is the end? IAN: (Angry.) The end! What are you talking about? DOCTOR: We have ten minutes to survive. BARBARA: Ten minutes? As little as that? DOCTOR: Maybe less. (The DOCTOR crosses over to the panel with the scanner switch.) IAN: Be careful, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, it's quite safe here. This is where I stood when I tried the scanner switch. (Something appears to click in BARBARA'S mind.) BARBARA: Yes! Yes! Why is that part safe? SUSAN: (Hysterical.) We'll never stop it in time. BARBARA: Don't Susan ... (BARBARA goes over to stop her panicking.) BARBARA: Please don't. DOCTOR: I don't know even where to begin, Chesterton. If only I had a clue. (Suddenly BARBARA knows exactly what has been happening. She looks as the broken clock.) BARBARA: I think ... I think perhaps, we've been given nothing else but clues. IAN: (Unconvinced.) Have we..? (Suddenly getting the point.) Like the food machine you mean!? BARBARA: Yes! IAN: It registered empty, but it wasn't. (BARBARA points at the clock.) BARBARA: But the clock is the most important. It made us aware of time. SUSAN: By taking time away from us. BARBARA: Yes. And it replaced time, by the light on the fault locator. IAN: Yes, it did! DOCTOR: (Coming forward.) It? It? What do you mean? My machine can't think. BARBARA: You say it has a built in defence mechanism? DOCTOR: Yes, it has. BARBARA: Well that's where we've been wrong. Originally, the ... machine wasn't at fault, we were. And it's been trying to tell us so ever since. IAN: A machine that can think for itself? BARBARA: Yes. IAN: Is that feasible, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, think, not as you or I do, but er, it must be able to think as a machine, you see it has a bank of computers. [SCENE_BREAK] (BARBARA crosses over to the safe panel and looks at the central column.) BARBARA: You say the power is under this column? DOCTOR: Yes. BARBARA: And the column holds it down? DOCTOR: Yes. BARBARA: Well then, what would make it want to escape? DOCTOR: I've been racking by brains. I don't know. IAN: (Nervously.) Something outside? DOCTOR: Yes, possible. IAN: A magnetic force? DOCTOR: Well, it would have to be a gigantic one. A one as s ... strong as a solar system. (There is another explosion. They are almost rocked off their feet.) BARBARA: You see? The machine's been warning us all along. All those blackouts we had. SUSAN: Yes. But only if anybody went near the control column. BARBARA: Yes. IAN: But it could be the power escaping. DOCTOR: No, no it couldn't. If you felt the power dear boy, you wouldn't live to speak of it. You'd be blown to atoms in a split second. SUSAN: Besides, it's the part of it that's safe. BARBARA: Yes, the scanner. I wonder..? (The DOCTOR understands her meaning.) DOCTOR: Well try it, but we're clutching at straws. (There is another explosion. The DOCTOR regards SUSAN and BARBARA.) DOCTOR: Now Susan, and you young lady, should those doors open again, I want you to be standing by them, and tell me whatever it is you see outside, understand? (BARBARA and SUSAN move off. The DOCTOR snaps his fingers at IAN who comes forward.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) I lied, deliberately, so that they won't know. IAN: Won't know what? DOCTOR: We have five minutes only. When the end does come, they won't know anything about it. IAN: There's no hope then? DOCTOR: I can't see any. Will you face it with me? SUSAN: (From near the doors.) What are you two talking about? IAN: Oh, just a theory of mine that didn't work. (The DOCTOR nods and adopts a jaunty tone, so as not to disturb the girls.) DOCTOR: Yes, we must solve this problem you know! We must. (The DOCTOR turns on the scanner. On the screen is the image of the field. The TARDIS doors open and BARBARA and SUSAN shield their eyes from the glare outside. They look through the open doors.) SUSAN: There's nothing there! Nothing. Nothing. (Starting to cry.) Nothing but space. (SUSAN breaks down.) BARBARA: It's all right Susan. (The image on the scanner changes to that of Quinnis.) IAN: Barbara could be right, Doctor. BARBARA: I am right, I know I am. (The TARDIS doors close.) BARBARA: Whenever there's a good picture, the doors open because it's safe for us to go outside and then it shows us a terrible picture and the doors close again. DOCTOR: Yes, then we have the sequence. (They all look up at the scanner. It shows the picture of the planet.) DOCTOR: A planet. (The image changes to that of the planet from a distance.) DOCTOR: A planet in the solar system. (The image changes to that of the galaxy.) DOCTOR: Getting further away. (The screen flashes and then, goes blank.) DOCTOR: A blinding flash... destruction. Yes, of course, it's our journey BARBARA: And ... .and the ship refused to destroy itself. DOCTOR: Yes, yes. BARBARA: (To SUSAN) The defence mechanism stopped the ship, and it's been trying to tell us so ever since! DOCTOR: Of course. Of course! (There is another explosion. The DOCTOR grabs onto the console. Everybody else stumbles out of sight. The console room is in darkness.) DOCTOR: Oh. I know, I know. I said it would take the force of a total solar system to attract the power away from my ship. We're at ... the very beginning, the new start of a solar system. Outside, the atoms are rushing towards each other. Fusing. Coagulating. Until ... minute little collections of matter are created. And so the process goes on, and on until dust is formed. Dust then becomes solid entity. A new birth of a sun and its planets! (He begins giggling. IAN comes up to him and they both turn in the direction of the scanner.) IAN: Doctor, where are we? When we left the planet Skaro, where did you ask the machine to take us to? Think Doctor! DOCTOR: I, er, had hoped to reach your planet Earth. Skaro was in the future and ... I used the fast return switch. IAN: The fast return switch? You've sent us back too far. DOCTOR: Hmm? IAN: Doctor show me. Show me that switch. Where is it. DOCTOR: Well... I... I... I can't very well see it without a light can I? (IAN and the DOCTOR mutter to each other as SUSAN discusses the fast return switch with BARBARA.) SUSAN: It's near the scanner switch. BARBARA: Really? But that's the part of the control that's safe. (SUSAN nods. The DOCTOR is looking for his torch in his jacket pockets.) DOCTOR: ... strange. IAN: Doctor, we haven't got very much time left. (He finds the torch. The 'fast return' switch is a button built into an outer casing.) DOCTOR: Yes, I see. I ... I ... here it is, here. You see? Now, look. There's the switch. You see? IAN: Yes, well how does it work? DOCTOR: Well, you merely press it down, and... (He tries to press it, but nothing happens. He turns to IAN in excitement.) DOCTOR: It's stuck. It hasn't released itself. IAN: What? You mean it's been on all this time? DOCTOR: Yes, it must have been. IAN: Well come on, Doctor. Let's get it unstuck! DOCTOR: Hold that. (IAN takes the DOCTOR'S torch.) DOCTOR: Yes, just a minute now. (The DOCTOR begins to remove the outer casing.) DOCTOR: Ah. Yes. There you are you see. IAN: What's wrong? DOCTOR: The spring's not connecting. It's come off the base. (He removes the button ... .) IAN: Hurry, Doctor, hurry! DOCTOR: There we are, we'll take it out. Now luckily we can turn it over, and now it should work. There, ah, that's all right. (He replaces the casing and presses the button. The console room lights up. The instruments burst into life and the familiar hum of the room builds up. The central column begins moving. The DOCTOR sets the controls. All of the panels are now safe. IAN places his hand on the DOCTOR'S shoulder and BARBARA and SUSAN walk up to the console. SUSAN hugs the DOCTOR.) SUSAN: Oh, we're safe now. BARBARA: Are you sure? DOCTOR: Yes. We can all relax. We're quite safe now. But it was a narrow squeak. (IAN and BARBARA walk away. The DOCTOR gives a sigh of relief.) SUSAN: Grandfather? DOCTOR: Yes, my child? SUSAN: What happened? DOCTOR: What happened? It was the switch, it was still in place. You see there is a little spring inside it and it was stuck. It hadn't released itself. SUSAN: But why didn't the fault locator tell us? DOCTOR: Well, the switch hadn't broken down, therefore the fault locator couldn't give us any recognition. You see, let me give you a demonstration. (He holds out the torch. He presses the button and the light goes on.) DOCTOR: Now look, when I put my thumb ... on there, the light comes on. And it only stays on, so long as my thumb is pressing that switch. As soon as I take it off... (He removes his thumb and the light goes out.) DOCTOR: ... a little spring inside releases the... the switch here, and out goes the light. SUSAN: Oh, I see. So if the spring were broken, it would be as if your finger were pressing it down all the time. DOCTOR: Precisely. As simple as that. SUSAN: Oh! DOCTOR: You know, my dear child. I think your old grandfather is going a tiny little bit around the bend. (They both laugh.) Well I think you were very brave, and I ... I was proud of you. SUSAN: Grandfather,? DOCTOR: Hmm? SUSAN: What about them? You said some terrible things to them. (She nods towards IAN and BARBARA who are standing silently against the chair.) SUSAN: When I thought he was going to attack you, even I was against him. DOCTOR: (Embarrassed.) Ah, er, yes, I, I, I, er, I, er, er, well... IAN: (Coming over.) Don't bother to say anything, Doctor. (He laughs.) You know there are times, when I can read every thought on your face. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Really? And I always thought you were a young man, without any recrimination in you. (He laughs again.) (He taps IAN on the shoulder and they all look at BARBARA. She is still stood silently against the chair, gazing into space. The DOCTOR goes over to her.) DOCTOR: Well, er, as for you, young lady, well, er, you were absolutely right. With your instinct and intuition against my logic and you, er, succeeded. I mean, the blackouts and the still pictures and...and ... and, er... and, er, the clock. Well, you read a story into those things and was determined to hold on to it. We all owe you our lives. BARBARA: (Upset.) I... I... (BARBARA leaves, unable to say anything.) DOCTOR: You know, I really believe I have underestimated that young lady in the past, Charnow. (IAN cringes at the mispronunciation. The DOCTOR taps him on the shoulder and returns to the control panel.) DOCTOR: Well now, we can all start again eh? Yes... we can... er... Yes... (He looks at the controls and then back at IAN.) DOCTOR: But which? Hmm? (IAN begins to laugh.) DOCTOR: What are you laughing at, dear boy? Oh, really, you are... (The DOCTOR activates the controls and the familiar dematerialisation routine begins...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. LIVING AREA (The DOCTOR enters. He no longer wears his bandage. He stops as he sees BARBARA seated on a settee, a hurt look on her face. She too has changed her clothes. The DOCTOR crosses over to her.) DOCTOR: I'd like to, er, talk to you, if I may. (He sits next to her.) We've landed on a planet and the air is good, but it's rather cold outside. BARBARA: Susan told me. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Yes, you haven't forgiven me, have you? BARBARA: You said terrible things to us. DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose it's the injustice that's upsetting you, and when I made a threat to put you off the ship it must have affected you very deeply. BARBARA: What do you care what I think or feel? DOCTOR: Well, as we learn about each other, so we learn about ourselves. BARBARA: Perhaps. DOCTOR: Oh yes. Because I accused you unjustly, you were determined to prove me wrong. So, you put your mind to the problem, and, er, luckily you solved it. (SUSAN runs in. She is wearing a duffel coat and a pair of mittens.) SUSAN: Grandfather, we're going out now. DOCTOR: Oh, please, yes. Do open the doors will you? SUSAN: (To BARBARA.) Are you coming? (The DOCTOR looks at BARBARA.) BARBARA: (Smiling.) Yes. SUSAN: Good. (SUSAN runs back into the console room.) DOCTOR: Oh, by the way, Susan has left you some wearing apparel, for outside. You know, we have a very extensive wardrobe here. BARBARA: Yes, she gave me these. (She indicates her trousers.) DOCTOR: Yes, I think they're rather charming. We must look after you, you know? You're very valuable. (The DOCTOR crosses to the table and lifts a coat from it. He holds it up with a dramatic flourish. BARBARA laughs and the DOCTOR helps her to put it on. He then offers her his arm.) DOCTOR: Shall we go? (She links her arm with his and they head for the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR and BARBARA enter. IAN is standing there in a large coat. He spins in front of them.) BARBARA: Oh, very chic. DOCTOR: Yes, yes. IAN: Hmm. (SUSAN runs in from outside. Out of the doors can be seen a snowy mountain range.) SUSAN: (Excitedly.) Look! Look! (SUSAN throws a handful of snow at BARBARA who screams and chases her out of the doors.) DOCTOR: Well, I think that's absolutely splendid Chesterton. Yes, it suites you. Always a trifle big for me. IAN: Yes! DOCTOR: You know I acquired that Ulster from Gilbert and Sullivan. IAN: Oh, really? I thought it was made for two. Well, shall we join the ladies, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, why not. (He laughs.) (They link arms and head for the exit. They stop as they hear SUSAN'S voice over the scanner.) SUSAN: Grandfather, look. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE (SUSAN and BARBARA are kneeling next to something in the snow.) SUSAN: Look, look at this huge footprint. It must have been made by a giant! (In the area of snow by the girl's feet, there is a large indentation. It is unquestionably a footprint, but it is enormous...)
Plan: A: the TARDIS floor; Q: Where were the Doctor, Susan, Ian and Barbara thrown to? A: Susan; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion who is acting strangely? A: suspicions; Q: What is raised that an alien force may have entered the ship? A: The Doctor; Q: Who accuses Ian and Barbara of sabotage? A: the travellers; Q: Who realizes that the TARDIS is trying to warn them of something? A: an attempt; Q: What does the TARDIS itself reveal to be happening to warn them of something? A: time; Q: The Doctor realizes that the fast return switch he used when leaving Skaro has stuck, and the ship has been plunging back to the beginning of what? A: its own destruction; Q: What does the TARDIS go back to the beginning of time to see? A: a faulty spring; Q: What is the problem with the fast return switch? A: his behaviour; Q: What does the Doctor apologize for? Summary: As they slowly recover from the shock of being thrown to the TARDIS floor,the Doctor, Susan, Ian and Barbara all seem to be acting strangely. Unexplained events occur and suspicions are raised that an alien force may have entered the ship. The Doctor even accuses Ian and Barbara of sabotage. It gradually dawns on the travellers that what they have been experiencing is an attempt by the TARDIS itself to warn them of something. The Doctor finally realises the fast return switch he used when leaving Skaro has stuck, and the ship has been plunging back to the beginning of time and its own destruction. Once the problem - a faulty spring - is corrected, the TARDIS returns to normal and the Doctor has to make some apologies for his behaviour.
(Sydney and Vaughn meet on a rooftop of a building, both wearing sunglasses.) VAUGHN: Your mother's trial starts this morning. SYDNEY: How long do you think it'll last? VAUGHN: Could be a while. With eighty-six counts of espionage against her, the prosecution alone could take months just to present their case. SYDNEY: I want to see the opening arguments. VAUGHN: I'll arrange for a closed-circuit feed into the ops center. SYDNEY: Thanks. You know any jokes? 'Cause I could use one. VAUGHN: This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says-- SYDNEY: "You have a drink named Doug?" VAUGHN: Well, I was going to use Phil. SYDNEY: Well, Phil is certainly no funnier than Doug. VAUGHN: No, I know, I'm sorry. It's a non-humorous, uh... (They giggle together.) (SD-6 briefing with Sloane, Jack, Sydney and Marshall.) SLOANE: Mr. Sark. As you know, he's proven himself to be a key player in the world of international organized crime. Now he may be developing a bioweapon systemized form a virus that we've never seen before. This is Klaus Richter, a former employee of Sark's whom we've recently taken into custody. A routine medical workup revealed that Richter may have been exposed to the virus before we picked him up. Marshall? MARSHALL: Thank you, sir. Okay, now, take a look on your screen here. These little squiggly things -- that's just a normal flue anti-body, something that you might have if you got a common cold, or cough, something. Now let's take a look at Richter's blood work. Now this shows antibodies one thousand per cent above normal levels. Very similiar to the Ebola virus, most notably massive hemorrhaging. Except that this virus works by breaking down bonds between cells, so basically Richter's body in just a couple of days is gonna look oooh like, well, did you ever see that movie "The Fly"? Do you remember that little poor red-assed baboon when he was, like, turned inside out? SLOANE: Thank you, Marshall. We recently uncovered a charter agreement indicating that Sark rented a medically equipped 727 to transport three patients presumably suffering from the same virus as Richter to a private hospital in Geneva. This hospital is one of Sark's business fronts. We believe he's assembled a team to study the virus. Your objective is to infiltrate the facility and acquire the research. Jack, you'll be entering the hospital as a patient in need of a kidney transplant. Sydney, you'll be accompanying him as the loving daughter who's agreed to donate one. I trust this one won't be too much of a stretch, hmmm, for either of you? (Outside the conference room, Jack catches up with Sydney.) JACK: We should talk. SYDNEY: We have nothing to talk about. JACK: I know you have questions. You can either be angry, or you can be informed. (In another office, Jack uncaps his magic pen which is really a signal jammer.) JACK: Please try to understand what I'm about to tell you, Sydney. After your mother left, I tested Project Christmas on you because I didn't want you to be a victim. I thought it was my responsibility to teach you how to think strategically, to see through people's lies, to be as strong as you could be in an environment where one mistake could cost you your life. SYDNEY: Then you should've told me the truth before I ended up here. JACK: Yes, you're right! I never intended you to lead a double life. I imagined recruiting you into the CIA after you finished college. But Sloane got to you first, and that is a mistake I will never live down. SYDNEY: I'd like to believe you, but I don't trust anything you say. (She caps his pen and leaves.) (At the operations center for the US joint task force on intelligence, a young agent named Rick walks Vaughn and Sydney to a monitor.) RICK: Closed-circuit's online, the proceeding start in about a minute. And the feed will be right over here. VAUGHN: Thanks, Rick. RICK: Sure. (He leaves. Sydney looks at the monitor.) SYDNEY: That's Senator Douglas. Where's the judge? SENATOR DOUGLAS: (on screen) Distiguished witnesses, I know you were expecting opening arguments for the prosecution of Irina Derevko, but as of this morning a plea agreement has been reached with the defendant. In regard to the eighty-six counts of espionage leading to the deaths of twelve United States operatives, Derevko has pled guilty on all counts. A select penalty jury was empanelled early this morning and the decision was predictably swift. Derevko received the maximum sentence under federal statute -- death by lethal injection. Since she's opted to forego all appeals, the execution will be carried out three days from today. Session adjourned. (At Sydney's house, she sits in bed writing.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Confidential to Deputy Director Devlin. (Sydney jogs in the park where she can request admittance to the joint task force offices and her mother's cell.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I'm writing to inform you that my father, Jack Bristow, did willfully deceive the CIA into believing Irina Derevko violated her immunity agreement. I'm committing this statement to paper so it may be used in an officiial capacity to halt my mother's execution. (She passes the vet and stops.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Despite her past crime, I can't in good conscience allow her sentence to be carried out when she kept her word to cooperate with us. It is not Irina Derevko who should be answering to these charges. (Sydney drops a folded up piece of paper into the vet's cup instead of the coin.) SYDNEY: (voice over) It is my father. VET: We have a dead drop. Request pick up. Looks like a letter. AGENT: Copy that. Sending agent for retrieval. (Francie's restaurant. Sydney and Will sit at a table together.) SYDNEY: When my mom first came back, I wanted her dead. How the hell did I become the person who's trying to save her? WILL: That doesn't mean that you have to be her best friend. It means that you did the right thing. SYDNEY: (smiles) How are you? WILL: Oh, I got my, uh, thirty days sobriety chip. Even though I wasn't ever a drug addict, I'm kind of proud. (He shows her. It's attached to his keychain.) WILL: Oh, by the way, you know anybody who wants a car? I'm hocking mine. SYDNEY: You're selling your car? WILL: Yeah, well, it's either that or I quit paying my student loans. I can't afford to have bad credit and a criminal record. SYDNEY: Well, I know you're going to say no but I can lend you money. WILL: Yes, I'm gonna say no. But thank you. (Francie comes over wearing an apron and rubber gloves and starts cleaning a plate sitting on their table.) SYDNEY: Hey. FRANCIE: (frantically rubbing) In the morning, I got rear-ended by four frat guys coming home from a party. Two of them threw up while I was getting their insurance information. SYDNEY: At least they had insurance. WILL: Why are you cleaning like this? You're acting like Howard Hughes. FRANCIE: Well, the Zagat guy is coming to give his review today. I want this place spotless. SYDNEY: There's a hamburger behind you. (Sure enough, there is. A young skater guy wearing a giant hamburger outfit and carrying a skateboard approaches Francie.) CLIFF: You know, Francie, I worked up through Los Feliz and Atwater Village. FRANCIE: Oh, cool, Cliff, thanks. Give me just a second? Okay, I told him I'd give him a couple bucks if he just handed out some fliers, got the word out. WILL: Hamburgers aren't on the menu, are they? FRANCIE: Garden burger. SYDNEY: How much are you paying that guy? FRANCIE: Twelve bucks an hour. WILL: Hamburger's making more than I am. FRANCIE: Keep cleaning, sweetie. (She leaves. Will looks at Sydney.) WILL: I gotta clean. SYDNEY: I gotta catch a plane. (They stand and hug.) WILL: Be safe. SYDNEY: Okay. (At the joint task force offices, Vaughn follows Devlin, showing him a piece of paper.) VAUGHN: Sir, if you'll recall Project Christmas was developed by Jack Bristow to train potential CIA recruits at a young age. Now, based on the research Irina Derevko stole from him, the KGB developed their own version of the project. DEVLIN: Yes, I recall. VAUGHN: One of our assets in Moscow just sent this over. (gives him the paper) It's a test questionnaire administered to a group of first graders in the early eighties. The test was designed to identify kids who would make good agents in the Soviet secret service. Reading over it, what really struck me is how similiar these questions are to a standard IQ test given to first graders in this country. DEVLIN: Where are you going with this? VAUGHN: Remember the rumour going around the agency around the Cold War about the Soviets raising sleeper agents as Americans? Now, I know it sounds potentially paranoid, but this is how they would do it if they managed to get their test in circulation here. They could have contacted hundreds of kids. DEVLIN: Interesting, but unlikely. VAUGHN: I just think it would be intersting to analyze tests from-- DEVLIN: Stop. We can't spare a single agent right now, much less a team for a project that at best has historical value. The KGB doesn't even exist anymore! (Plane heading to Geneva. Sydney looks over some papers. Jack sits at the back of the plane, reading a newspaper. He looks over at Sydney, throws down his paper and gets up to sit across from her.) JACK: I see your mother's latest maneuver had its intended effect on you. SYDNEY: What maneuver would that be? JACK: Pleading guilty, accepting the death penalty. SYDNEY: Yep. She's got us right where she wants us. JACK: Not us. You. Your mother's no fool. She must have deduced I set her up, so why do you imagine she pled guilty? Because she was struck by a crisis of conscience? SYDNEY: I think she knew the verdict was a foregone conclusion. JACK: She pled guilty to keep you from witnessing her trial, Sydney, from having you see photos of the agents she savagely murdered, including Vaughn's father. She knew if you sat through that, whatever sympathy she'd managed to elicit from you would vanish, so she cast herself as the victim to compel you to save her and guess what? You fell for it. (He reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket and tosses Sydney's folded up letter on her table.) JACK: I thought you deserved a second chance to think things over. Here's your letter. SYDNEY: How'd you get that? JACK: I spent a decade with this woman and another twenty years analyzing how she could have deceived me for so long. Trust me when I tell you, I am protecting you. SYDNEY: No, you're not. I think you loved Mom so much that when she left you, you lost your soul. You know what else I think? I think the kind of man who'd use his own daughter to frame her mother, who'd test psych experiments when she was six-years-old is the kind of man who looks at his daughter and sees his greatest mistake. (Jack's eyes fill up with tears.) JACK: You can't honestly believe that. SYDNEY: It's true, isn't it? If Mom hadn't fooled you, if you hadn't been so gullible, I never would have been born. I'm going to finish reviewing the mission now. (He goes back to his seat.) (Will has his old Ford Bronco parked with a For Sale sign that says he's only asking $2500. He sits on the hood. Vaughn's fancy Lincoln-esque car drives up. He gets out and walks to Will.) WILL: Thanks. Thanks for coming. VAUGHN: Of course. Is everything all right? WILL: Okay, look, I don't -- I don't know how to say this other than to just say it. I need a job. With all the publicity, no one will hire me. I thought maybe you could help me out. I mean, I don't mean to be an agent. I know the CIA has a ton of front companies -- defense contractors, shipping companies. I'll work at a desk, anywhere, just as long-- VAUGHN: Look, I know this will drive you insane, but we can't employ you because you have a criminal record. WILL: I have a criminal record because of a drug habit I never had. (Vaughn nods.) WILL: You know anybody who wants to buy a car? VAUGHN: There might be something. I have a discretionary fund used for informants. Totally off the books. I could pay you to do research. WILL: Seriously? Man, I would so owe you. (Vaughn gives him the piece of paper he showed Devlin.) VAUGHN: This is a list of questions, please keep them to yourself. All I need you to do is find out if any of these questions ever appeared on a standardized test in the United States over the last twenty years. WILL: Okay, the more you tell me the faster I can get you what you want, so-- VAUGHN: I pay by the hour. Take your time. WILL: Thank you. VAUGHN: You're welcome. (They shake on it.) (In Geneva, Jack and Sydney meet the hospital employee. Sydney's wearing a ridiculously large blonde curly wig. Sydney and Jack are all smiles and have their arms linked.) SPINNAKER: Mr. Harris, I'm Jan Spinnaker, hospital administrator. Welcome to St. Auburn's. JACK: (Southern accent) My daughter, and the very twinkle of my eye -- Marion. SYDNEY: Daddy, stop it! It's so nice to meet you. SPINNAKER: A pleasure to meet a daughter who'd sacrifice so much for her father. SYDNEY: I would do anything for my Daddy. SPINNAKER: This way, please. (Spinnaker turns. Sydney and Jack both drop their smiles and their arms. They walk behind him.) (Down the stairs they go. Jack motions to a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.) JACK: The computer in this satchel provides me a secure link to my money. The satchel cannot be removed from my arm during the operation. SPINNAKER: All arrangements have been made-- JACK: Now, I chose your hospital for its high security standards. SPINNAKER: We employ security with training equivalent to the secret service. You won't be disappointed. JACK: Very good! (Jack and Sydney, wearing hospital gowns, are wheeled into an operating room on separate gurneys. Jack has his briefcase still handcuffed.) MARSHALL: (voice over) Okay, you're going to Geneva to get a sample of a top-secret virus. Now, your cover is you're going in for kidney transplants. Well, now, you're probably thinking now, "Hold on a second, Marshall! We need our kidneys!" (Flashback to the briefing with Marshall, continuing.) MARSHALL: Well, don't worry. They're not going anywhere because of this. (He holds up the briefcase.) Now, basically, when you are positioned in the OR, press this button lightly twice. It will activate a tank of halothane. (Operating room. A doctor places masks over Sydney and Jack's faces.) MARSHALL: (voice over) Now, halothane is the same anesthetic they're pumping through your masks. (Jack hits the button twice.) DOCTOR: Why don't you both try counting backwards from ten? JACK AND SYDNEY: Ten... nine... eight... MARSHALL: (voice over) Which leads us to question number two. (Flashback to briefing.) MARSHALL: If they're pumping anesthesia in the room and you're also gulping it down -- what did I do with -- by the maskful, then what's going to prevent us from passing out ourselves? (He takes out a small vial in a zip-loc bag.) MARSHALL: The solution is in the solution. It's a mix of anti-anesthetia and I also, for good measure, threw in a time release synthetic caffeine that I use in my decaf every morning. Just take it right before you head into the hospital and trust me, you won't fall asleep. (He winks.) (In the operating room, nurses and doctors start passing out.) JACK AND SYDNEY: Six... five... four... three... two... one... (Everyone's knocked out.) (Outside the OR, Sydney and Jack walk out in full doctor garb. They calmly pass the guards and walk to the elevator.) (They get to the research wing. Jack shoots the two doctors behind the desk with tranqs.) JACK: They'll be out for fifteen minutes. (He gets behind the computer and brings up the files.) JACK: They've all been sedated for the pain. Patient zero's in there. Get a blood sample, I'll download the viral research. [SCENE_BREAK] (Sydney enters the room with patient zero. His bed is closed off and there are gloves inside that she slips on from the outside. The patient's skin color is a nasty green. Sydney stares. He has a slow heartbeat. Sydney looks around when suddenly he grabs her arm. She gasps.) PATIENT: Irina? SYDNEY: I need help! (Jack stops whatever he was doing and rushes over.) JACK: Don't struggle. He could tear the gloves off, you could become infected. I'll up his morphine. (He taps a few buttons on the monitor beside the bed.) PATIENT: Irina? (Jack looks, alarmed.) PATIENT: Irina? (He lets go of Sydney and falls back a little, drugged up. He presses his bloody hand against the glass. Sydney jumps back.) JACK: His vitals fell below the preset warning levels. The doctors will be alerted. Work fast. (He goes back to the computer to leave Sydney get the blood sample. Jack speaks into his transmitter.) JACK: Eagle eye, this is blackbird. Requiring early extraction, LZ Bravo. (A helicopter takes off nearby.) AGENT: Copy that, blackbird. ETA -- LZ Bravo, three minutes. (Sydney gets the blood sample. Jack starts downloading the research.) JACK: Come on. Come on, come on, come on! (He finishes and closes up the disc. Sydney and Jack walk down the hall together and pass two doctors. The doctors show up and see the others passed out behind the desk. One of them grabs the phone.) DOCTOR: This is Dr. Giselle, I need security teams on the research level, now! (Sydney and Jack hide inside a lab room, the alarm wailing behind them.) JACK: We need to get to the roof. SYDNEY: The elevator won't come to this floor! JACK: Security will flank us from both sides of the hall. SYDNEY: We can't reload the tranqs fast enough to take out another four people. (Guards start coming their way, yelling and shouting. Inside the lab, Jack smashes a cabinet door, glass flying everywhere.) JACK: Find some iodine. Ammonia and iodine form an unstable compound when they're mixed together. (The guards are down the hall.) GUARD: Initiate level three lockdown, perimeter and elevators! (Sydney gets the iodine and they start mixing.) SYDNEY: I've got this! (The helicopter lands on the roof.) AGENT: Blackbird, we're on the roof, we're waiting for you! (The DNA mixer starts spinning with the iodine and ammonia inside. Jack and Sydney walk out with their arms raised.) JACK: Don't shoot! GUARD: Against the wall! (They throw Sydney and Jack up against the wall and start frisking. They remove their tranq guns. The explosion happens with the idione and ammonia, making a few guards fall to the ground. Jack elbows one of the guards in the face and knees them in the chest. Sydney punches the other guard. Jack flings another guard into the wall and punches him in the stomach. Sydney ducks a punch and kicks another guard.) SYDNEY: Bypass the lockdown, I'll hold them off! (She kicks another guard. Jack runs down the hall and forces the elevator doors open with his hands. Sydney takes the guards' guns and runs down the hall, shooting at them. They slowly start to get up. She runs to the elevator where Jack removes the panel and starts wiring. Sydney runs. The guards shoot at her. She hides behind a partition.) JACK: Buy me ten seconds, I need more time! (Sydney shoots back at them. Jack starts wiring the elevator. Sydney shoots some more and hides.) SYDNEY: Ammo! (She drops the empty cartridges from her guns and goes to Jack. He loads both guns. She turns over and shoots at the guards again. They're getting closer. Sydney shoots at them with two guns going. Behind her, the elevator starts to move.) JACK: Sydney! (The doors close as the guards shoot. She falls in.) (Up on the rooftop, Jack and Sydney run to the helicopter and climb in. Sydney looks back at the hospital as they lift off.) JACK: If you're wondering why that man mistook you for your mother, he worked for her. I skimmed the research as it was downloading. Before she surrendered to the CIA, Irina deliberately ordered Sark to expose some of her own operatives to the virus in order to study it. Ask yourself if that's a person worth saving. (The helicopter flies away.) (In Sloane's office at SD-6, Jack and Sloane talk.) SLOANE: I had toxicology analyze the glass of wine that somehow made its way into my house last week. They found a compound called VTX which counteracts the effects of sodium morphate. Sodium morphate is the poison I used to... end Emily's suffering. JACK: I see two possibilities. Either Emily predicted your intention to euthanize her, took the necessary countermeasures and is now playing a game with you, or the more likely scenario -- someonewants you to believe Emily's alive or worse, they'll try and make the Alliance believe it, too. SLOANE: If they think that I failied to carry out the one condition of my admittance, that I have been betraying them the whole time, then they'd be forced to assume that my entire division is rogue. Then we'll all be in danger. (Self-storage building, meeting with Sydney and Vaughn.) SYDNEY: I don't think I can ever forgive my father for the things he's done, but maybe he's right about what he's been saying all alone. Maybe her cooperation is partof some eleborate strategy he's more equipped to see than I am. VAUGHN: Look, your father's asking you to let her die for something she might do. I don't think you can live with that. Good work in Geneva. SYDNEY: Thanks. VAUGHN: The CIA is analyzing the copy of the disk you brought back. If SD-6 plans on using the virus as a weapon we might be able to get a jump on the antidote thanks to the blood work you brought back. SYDNEY: I hope so. VAUGHN: Oh, listen, there's something else you should know. Will came to me for a job. SYDNEY: He did? VAUGHN: Well, he didn't want to bother you so I hired him off the books to do some research. SYDNEY: On what? VAUGHN: Just background on the old KGB version of Project Christmas. Of course, I didn't tell him that. He thinks he's comparing IQ tests against the public record. I just figured it was your perogative to tell him more. SYDNEY: That was really nice of you, thanks. VAUGHN: You're welcome. (Jack and Sloane walk down a sidewalk together in the afternoon. They're about to get into their stretch limo.) SLOANE: There's nothing more boring than a commerce bureau luncheon. Thanks for joining me, Jack. (He stops. Across the street stands Emily, staring at him coldly. He stares and then she's gone.) JACK: What is it? SLOANE: Did you... see that? JACK: See what? (Sloane starts walking across the street in the middle of traffic. Emily has started to walk down the street. Horns honk at Sloane as he stumbles across the way. He starts jogging, frantically following her. She picks up the pace and walks briskly down the sidewalk. He breaks out into a run, dodging people and following her. He sees her go inside a building so he enters as well. He flings open the door, breathing heavily, and walks up the aisle. She's nowhere. Sloane looks up and sees a giant cross -- he's inside a church. He starts backing up and bumps into a priest.) PRIEST: Can I help you? SLOANE: Aaaah! Did you see someone come in here just now? A woman? PRIEST: No, I've been alone all morning. (Jack has entered.) JACK: Father, would you excuse us, please? (He leaves them alone.) JACK: Sit down. SLOANE: Now you tell me you saw her! JACK: I saw a woman but it could have been anyone. You may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by intense feelings of guilt. Arvin, you have walked into a church. A place to confess. SLOANE: She's alive. She knew the alarm code. She could have come into the house undetected. JACK: There is a clear way to know for certain but I hesitate to suggest it. (Sydney meets up with Devlin.) SYDNEY: Sir, there's something I have to report. While it appeared that my mother sent me into a trap in Madagascar, in truth, she was unaware that there was any danger. DEVLIN: Yes, I know. I have your father's statement right here. He told us himself this morning. SYDNEY: What? DEVLIN: A hearing has been scheduled with the joint intelligence committee. SYDNEY: My intention wasn't to punish my father, sir, it was to stop my mother's execution from going forward. (His cell rings.) DEVLIN: Yes? I'll send her down right now. They'd like to see you in medical services. (Sydney walks in where several doctors are gathered.) SYDNEY: You asked to see me? DR. NICHOLAS: Agent Bristow, I'm Doctor Nicholas. SYDNEY: What's going on? DR. NICHOLAS: Five weeks ago you infiltrated one of your mother's labratories in Taipei where you discovered a Rambaldi device. How long were you in proximity to the device? SYDNEY: I... it took me about a minute to rig it with explosives. I made it to the other side of the door but Vaughn was submerged. I don't know, maybe another minute or two. Will someone please tell me what's going on? DR. NICHOLAS: We believe the device is the source of the virus that infected the men in Geneva. Unfortunately, you and Agent Vaughn may have been exposed. I'm sorry. We'd like to draw some blood and keep you under observation. SYDNEY: If Sloane pages me, this is gonna be a problem. DR. NICHOLAS: Your father's been informed. He's covering for you. (Sydney walks in the isolation room. Vaughn's sitting in a T-shirt on the side of a bed. He gets up when she enters. She stands there.) VAUGHN: I know. (She walks closer and they both sit down, side by side. He puts his arm around her. She then puts her head on his shoulder.) (Later, Sydney's sleeping in a hospital bed parallel to Vaughn's. He's watching her sleep. She slowly wakes up. He smiles.) SYDNEY: Hi. VAUGHN: Hey. SYDNEY: Did you close your eyes at all? VAUGHN: On and off. You talk in your sleep. SYDNEY: No! What did I say? VAUGHN: "Don't frost the pie!" It seemed really important. (They laugh.) SYDNEY: No idea. (pause) You think we're sick? VAUGHN: I don't know. SYDNEY: Vaughn, can I tell you something? (The door opens and Dr. Nicholas enters, interrupting them.) DR. NICHOLAS: Agent Bristow, your tests came back negative for antibodies, you're free to go. Agent Vaughn, your tests at this point are inconclusive. We did find a heightened level of antibodies in your blood stream but you could simply be fighting off a cold. We won't know for a few more hours. You'll have to stay. SYDNEY: You said Sark tested patient's blood at the first sign of infection. What was the sign? DR. NICHOLAS: Hemorrhaging from the fingernails. (He leaves.) VAUGHN: It'll be fine. Your dad's hearing's in an hour, you should go. (She nods and puts on her boots. She gets ready to leave.) SYDNEY: I'll see you soon. VAUGHN: Yeah. (Jack's hearing in front of Senator Douglas and the others.) SENATOR DOUGLAS: Agent Bristow, this hearing's been convened to determine an appropriate punishment for the crimes depicted in your statement. Before we begin our inquiry, do you have anything to say? JACK: Only that despite my admission of guilt, I still firmly believe Irina Derevko is a threat and will prove it at her earliest possible convenience. SENATOR DOUGLAS: Is that how you justify lying to your superiors, endangering other agents? JACK: Yes. SENATOR DOUGLAS: Why this sudden change of heart? JACK: Deferentially, Senator, my reasons are my own. SENATOR DOUGLAS: I see. Reviewing your file, I was shocked to discover how many times you've displayed behavior that at best can be characterized as rogue. You have lost the benefit of the doubt here, sir, and your silence will not suffice. So again, I ask you, why the change of heart? JACK: My daughter convinced me that I acted unethically. SENATOR DOUGLAS: Isn't it a fact that you knew your daughter intended to turn you in and that you beat her to the punch only by an hour in order to secure a degree of leniency from this body? JACK: No, sir, that is not the case. (pause) Sydney Bristow, my daughter... has come to believe that when I look at her, I see the embodiment of all my flaws. And this afternoon when I learned that she may have been exposed to a life-threatening disease, I realized that she might die believing that. But nothing could be further from the truth. (Fade to Sydney watching the hearing on the monitor in the joint task force building.) JACK: When I look at her, when I look at the little girl who raised herself to become one of the most extraordinary human beings and one of the finest agents I've ever had the privilege of knowing, I see only the promise of my own redemption. Turning myself in was the only way I could think of to make that clear to her, to prove that despite... my limited abilities as a father, I love her more than I could ever say. (Sydney sits at a restaurant table alone. A waitress puts down a drink in front of her.) SYDNEY: I didn't order this. WAITRESS: It's from the gentleman at the bar. (Sydney kind of rolls her eyes and looks, only to see Vaughn standing there motioning to his cell. Her own cell phone rings.) SYDNEY: You okay? VAUGHN: Yeah, clean bill of health. Apparently, I am fighting a cold. SYDNEY: I came by to see you after the hearing but they were still running tests. VAUGHN: I know, they told me you came here. SYDNEY: (laughs) This is ridiculous, being in the same restaurant on the phone. VAUGHN: Listen, Syd, I, um, I actually came by to tell you something. They're sending your father to prison. SYDNEY: You're kidding? VAUGHN: It gets worse. Douglas decided your mother's immunity agreement was never binding. They're going to carry out her death sentence anyway. Her execution goes ahead tomorrow at eight am. (A plane lands in Washington, DC. Inside, Senator Douglas sits in his seat, reading over some papers.) FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome back to Washington, Senator. (He's in the back of a limo, on the highway. He reads over a file. Looks up.) SENATOR DOUGLAS: Ed, you missed the exit. ("Ed" puts up the divider window.) SENATOR DOUGLAS: Hello? (He tries the door and window latches but everything's locked. The tires screech as the limo makes an abrupt stop in the middle of nowhere.) SENATOR DOUGLAS: No! No! Hey! You're making a BIG mistake! (Sydney climbs in, having posed as the driver.) SYDNEY: Sorry about the detour, Senator... SENATOR DOUGLAS: What the hell are you doing?! SYDNEY: ...but I need two minutes of your undivided attention. SENATOR DOUGLAS: I don't care what point you want to make! SYDNEY: I'd like you to consider dropping the charges against my father and honor my mother's immunity agreement. SENATOR DOUGLAS: You can't be serious. SYDNEY: I recognize how indecisive this sounds-- SENATOR DOUGLAS: That's a full understatement, my dear! SYDNEY: --I turned her in under false pretenses and I've come to believe my father was protecting me. SENATOR DOUGLAS: His interest are irrelevant, it's his decisions that matter. I'm sorry, Agent Bristow, but my colleagues and I have zero tolerance for anyone who would lie to their own government, especially in this day and age. And your mother? Well, she's had it coming for twenty years. Now given what you've been through, I'm willing to forgive your little misstep tonight. Would you kindly drop me off at home? (Sydney looks up. Thunder rumbles.) (In the rain, four men bring up a casket from the earth. Sloane stands neary, underneath an umbrella. They rest the casket on the ground and look at him.) SLOANE: Wait in the car. (He waves them off. The guys leave Sloane alone. He drops the umbrella and wipes away the ground off the casket. He kneels down in the mud and opens the lid. Sloane stands in the rain. The coffin's empty. He looks up at the rain coming down on him.) (Sydney walks in the ops center for the joint task force. Jack stands there.) JACK: How did you persuade Douglas to reverse himself? SYDNEY: I told him I have a secret only you and I know about. A secret that Sloane told you in confidence that poses such a threat to national security that we couldn't trust even the CIA to contain it. JACK: What secret is that? (Flashback to the limo.) SYDNEY: One of your colleagues -- a United States senator -- is working for the Alliance. We have evidence of wire transfers totaling 6.3 million. SENATOR DOUGLAS: To whom? SYDNEY: That's what we're trying to find out. But without my mother and father, I'll be forced to hand over the investigation to the FBI. (Back to Sydney and Jack, presently.) JACK: There's no senator in the Alliance's pocket. You lied. SYDNEY: I'm not proud of what I did. JACK: I may not agree with your decision to interact with your mother, Sydney, but I will from now on respect that it is your decision to make. They're bringing in your mother now. I'm sure you'll want to see her. (Thunder rumbles and the rain pours as a few agents jump down from the back of a van and escort Irina inside. Sydney watches from inside the building.) (On her bed, in her cell, Irina faces the wall, asleep. Sydney looks at her.) (Vaughn's bathroom, morning. He stands in front of the sink, doing his morning shaving routine. He looks down, puzzled. There's blood around his fingernails.)
Plan: A: Sydney's trust; Q: What begins to fade in Sydney's father? A: Vaughn; Q: Who enlists Will to help research a case? A: a deadly virus; Q: What may Sydney and Vaughn have been exposed to while in Taipei? A: Sloane; Q: Who is haunted by Emily's death? Summary: Sydney's trust in her father begins to fade. Meanwhile, Sydney and Vaughn may have been exposed to a deadly virus while in Taipei. Sloane, haunted by Emily's death, begins to unravel. Vaughn enlists Will to help research a case.
Act 1 A VALENTINE FOR NILES Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. The apartment is set up for a romantic dinner. Niles is on the phone, Eddie is sitting on the ottoman. Niles: Francois. It's Niles Crane. You delivered some champagne earlier for Valentine's Day? Well, you brought over the '88 and I asked for the '85. Yes, my date will know the difference, she happens to be the president of my wine club. Thank you, thank you. Yes, remember, I won't be at home. No, I'm not entertaining at the Shangri-La, my brother was kind enough to let me use his apartment. He crosses the apartment and puts a hand on Martin's chair. Niles: Well, what could I do? I threw a blanket over it. All right. Now, hurry, please, this woman is very particular. [He hangs up and looks at Eddie.] Lucky for you she loves dogs. [N.B. Throughout the rest of this scene, all of Niles's dialogue is mutters or mumbles as he deals with the situation.] He starts a CD of Mozart's "The Marriage of Figaro" on the stereo, then sits on the couch. He examines a crease on his pant leg, then adjusts it. He then uncrosses his legs and compares the creases. He stands up and fluffs his pants legs out, then sits again. He looks at his watch, examines his crease again, then gets up. He goes to the kitchen and brings back the ironing board and a cloth. He sets up the board and plugs the iron in. He removes his shoes, then his trousers, turning his back nervously on Eddie to do so. Laying them on the board, he covers the crease with the cloth and begins pressing them. After glancing at his watch, he begins pressing faster. Reaching for the cuff, he notices a loose thread. He tries to pull it off, then bite it off, but is unsuccessful. He rushes over to the desk and gets a pair of scissors from the drawer. He starts to hurry back to the ironing board, but slows and carefully makes sure the scissors are pointing down. As he trims the loose thread, Eddie jumps on a dining chair and starts nosing around a place setting. Niles notices and starts to yell at him, but ends up cutting his finger. He yelps, puts the finger in his mouth and then looks at it. It is bleeding, and the sight of blood makes him woozy. He recovers, but notices Eddie still licking around the plate. He snaps his fingers at him, which aggravates the injury and makes him look at his finger again. This time, he passes out and falls over the arm of the couch. Eddie comes over and licks his face, waking him. He glances at his finger, then holds it up away from his face. Looking down, he notices a spot of blood he's left on the couch. He dabs it with his handkerchief, but it isn't effective. He wraps the handkerchief around his finger, and goes to the kitchen, returning with a cloth and a can of solvent. He sits on the couch and tries to read the instructions, bringing a candle closer for more light. Apparently reaching the part about open flames, he hurriedly pushes the candle away. Opening the can, he soaks a bit onto the cloth and begins dabbing up the blood stain. He stands up to check his work and is satisfied. When he's reaching for the cap to the can, however, his handkerchief falls off, he sees his bloody finger and again faints over the arm of the couch. This time, the open can of solvent begins spilling onto and soaking into the couch. Eddie barks loudly, waking him again. He gets up, holding his wounded finger above his head once more. He picks up the handkerchief to put on his finger, then gets the can and caps it, all over his head as Eddie looks on. He goes into the kitchen and - Reset to: the kitchen where Niles puts the solvent away under the sink and throws the towel into it. Standing there, he begins to smell something. He quickly checks the pots on the stove and in the oven, but they are all right. He looks about in confusion, then exits. Reset to: the living room. Niles stands around, obviously still smelling something wrong. His gaze travels to the ironing board just in time to see that the iron, which he left face down, has set his pants on fire. He rushes over and grabs the iron, setting it aside. He then tries to pat the flames out, only spreading them. He tries to bundle the pants up but, burning his fingers, throws them away from himself. This carries them onto the couch where they promptly ignite the soaked- in solvent in a burst of flames. Eddie barks as Niles stares, frozen. Finally, he breaks and runs to the hallway, returning with a fire extinguisher. He runs in front of the couch and squeezes the handle. Nothing happens, and he notices that the safety pin is still in place. He pulls it free and squeezes again. The force of the extinguisher is too much for him to control, and he spins wildly around, dousing all the furniture, the carpet, the table setting, Eddie and himself with foam as Eddie furiously barks at him. He gets it under control just in time to point it at the couch as it runs out of pressure. He throws the empty extinguisher on Martin's chair and races to the kitchen. He comes back with and oven mitt and pot holder and carrying the pans from the stove. He empties the dinner onto the fire, putting it out and raising a cloud of steam. Choking on the smoke and fumes, Niles opens the front door. Looking desperately at his watch, he begins fanning the door to try and clear some of the smoke. He then starts fanning with his arms, swinging so wildly that the mitt, pot holder and handkerchief all fly into the hall. He glances at his finger, sees the blood and faints in the doorway. As the smoke alarm goes off, Eddie jumps on the couch and begins eating the remains of the food. The Mozart piece reaches a crescendo and ends. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 A VALENTINE FOR FRASIER Scene 1 - A Restaurant Fade in. It is a fancy restaurant, couples at the tables, a violinist playing. Frasier is seated alone at a table, glancing nervously at his watch. He pulls out his cell phone and dials. CUT TO: Roz's apartment as she puts on makeup. Her phone rings and she answers. During their dialogue, the scene cuts back and forth between Roz and Frasier: Roz: Hello. Frasier: Roz, it's Frasier. Look, I need your help. Roz: Well, I don't have much time, I'm on my way out. Frasier: OK, just answer me this: How do you know if you're on a date? Roz: Are you alone? Frasier: Yes. Roz: Then you're not on a date. Frasier: Very funny. Listen, I'm at a restaurant, waiting for Cassandra Stone - you know, our new publicity director? She asked me out for dinner, and well, I was very flattered. I mean, I think she's a terrific woman. It's just I'm starting to wonder if this is a business dinner, or more of a romantic date. Roz: Well, you're going out for dinner on Valentine's Day, sounds like a date to me. Frasier: Yes, well, she didn't realize it was Valentine's Day until I reminded her. She did say she wanted to go over a new ad campaign. Roz: Oh, come on, every time I see you two together, she's got her hands all over you. Frasier: She's always got her hands all over everybody. She's a big flirt. Roz: That's true. She even flirted with me the first time I met her 'til I took off my baseball cap and parka. Why don't you just ask her if it's a date? Frasier: Oh, Roz, I can't do that, what if the answer is "No"? For God's sake, it'll be awkward all through dinner. Awkward at work. Imagine how embarrassing it'll be if it gets around the station. Roz: Well, I guess you're just gonna have to play it by ear. Well, you'll know what she has in mind by the way she dresses, how she acts, how she treats you... Frasier: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Roz: [as the doorbell rings] Oh, there's my date. Frasier: Oh, who are you going out with tonight? Roz: Oh, Bob. You know, the tax accountant. Frasier: Isn't he the one who drones on so incessantly you call him "The Cricket"? Roz: No, I call him "The Cricket" because he rubs his hands together really fast during s*x. Bye. Frasier: Goodbye. Cassandra comes in, Frasier rises and waves her over. Frasier: Cassandra. Cassandra: Sorry to keep you waiting. They meet and hold hands. Frasier: Oh, that's OK. I was just starting to wonder if you'd changed your mind. Cassandra: What, and pass up dinner with the sexiest man in radio? She leans in and kisses him warmly on the mouth. Frasier: Oh, well. It's just our plans were so last-minute, I thought maybe I misunderstood. She takes off her coat to reveal a low-cut, stylish evening dress. Frasier: My, things have certainly been clarified, haven't they? Cassandra: Will you excuse me for a second? Frasier: Of course. She heads to the coat check, Frasier begins motioning to the violinist. Frasier: Excuse me. Excuse me. You see that woman over by the coat-check? Violinist: Yes. Frasier: She's my dinner companion for the evening and things have taken a turn towards the romantic. I want to make her feel as special as possible. [He gives the violinist some cash.] Violinist: Then you should have offered to check her coat. Frasier: Yes, thank you very much! All right, just play something romantic when she gets back. Cassandra comes back to the table, meeting Mario, the Maitre d', on the way. Mario: Miss Cassandra, so nice to see you again. Cassandra: You too, Mario. And how's the sexiest Maitre d' in Seattle? She leans in and kisses him just like she did Frasier. Mario seats her and Frasier sits as well. Cassandra: Sorry again for keeping you waiting. I got sucked in at this cocktail party. Frasier: Oh, you were at a cocktail party. Cassandra: Some benefit thing. It was very fancy. Obviously, why else would I show up wearing this? Frasier: Why else indeed. He waves away the violinist who is approaching. Cassandra: Oh, they have the best wine list here. Do you feel like sharing a bottle? Frasier: If you like. Cassandra: Good thing I took a cab here, I'm a real lightweight. Then again, I'm sure a gentleman like you wouldn't mind escorting me back to my room after dinner, will you? Frasier: Oh, I think that can be arranged. He waves the violinist back over. Cassandra: I love the food here. Frasier: What do you recommend? Cassandra: I'll start with the anchovies and red peppers, and then the garlic chicken with scallions. Frasier waves the violinist away again. Cassandra: Are you in the mood for oysters? Frasier: Actually, I'm not sure. FADE OUT on his confused look. Scene 2 - Cassandra's Hotel Room. Fade in. The door opens on Cassandra and Frasier. Frasier: Well, here we are. Your hotel room. Last stop. Cassandra: [after a pause] Oh, come on in. [They enter] Oh, thank you so much for this coat. Frasier: Of course. Cassandra: Oh, God, I can't believe we got caught in that rainstorm, I'm freezing! Frasier: Yeah, me too. Cassandra: [coming close to him and lowering her voice] Oh, I know something we can do to warm up real fast. Frasier: Yes, all we have to do is... Cassandra: Have a brandy. Frasier: Yes! Let's have a brandy! Cassandra: The mini-bar's over there. I'll be right out. Frasier: Uh-huh. She goes to the bathroom. Frasier pulls out his cell phone and dials. Roz: Hello. Frasier: Roz. It's Frasier. CUT TO: Roz. She is in bed. The camera inter-cuts again. Roz: Where are you? Frasier: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means. Roz: What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while. Frasier: I'm still getting a lot of conflicting signals here. You see, maybe she just invited me up here to talk business. I just wish I could get one clear, unambiguous sign. Cassandra comes out in a robe, Frasier hides the phone behind him. Cassandra: Oh, I just had to get out of that dress. Frasier: Oh, here's your brandy. They clink their glasses and drink. Cassandra: I'll just go dry my hair. She heads off again. Frasier: Roz, I'm back. Roz: She ditched her dress and she's hitting the sauce. What do you need, runway lights on the mattress? Frasier: Roz, Roz it's not as clearcut as it seems. Roz: Look, Frasier, she is way out on a limb here. Do you know how rejected she's gonna feel if you don't make a move? You're gonna blow it forever. Frasier: You're right. I'm going to take off my jacket. Roz: Yeah. Go get 'em, cowboy. He hangs up the cell phone and takes off his jacket. Cassandra: [calling out] Frasier? Are you making yourself comfortable? Frasier: Yes. Cassandra: If it's OK, I still have some questions about the ad campaign I'd like to ask you. Frasier quickly puts his jacket back on. Frasier: Well, that's why I'm here. Cassandra: Or if you prefer, we could just talk about it over breakfast tomorrow. Frasier: Breakfast, you say? Cassandra: I hope I wasn't being presumptuous. We will be having breakfast tomorrow, won't we? Frasier: Absolutely. He takes off his jacket and begins pulling off his shirt. Cassandra: Great! So who else wil be there? Frasier: Where? Cassandra: At the breakfast meeting. The one for the sponsors here at the hotel, tomorrow. You just said you were going, right? Frasier: The meeting. Of course. He quickly pulls his shirt back on as Cassandra comes back out. Cassandra: Frasier, what are you doing? Frasier: Well, I, uh... Cassandra: I thought you said you were going to make yourself comfortable. Why don't you check the closet? I'm sure you can find somthing to slip into. I'm just going to take my lenses out. Frasier again pulls his shirt off and rushes over to the closet. Cassandra: [again calling from the bathroom] You know, I'm really glad I asked you to dinner. Frasier: [taking off his pants] Gosh, so am I. Cassandra: You may not believe this, but I almost chickened out at the last minute. It just goes to show it's always better to take the risk. I mean, so you say "No." I'm an adult, what's a little embarrassment? Frasier pulls open the cabinet and pulls out a robe. Frasier: I couldn't agree more. Cassandra: Did you find the slippers? Frasier: What? Cassandra: In the closet. Frasier grabs his clothes and starts getting dressed. Cassandra: You stepped in that puddle after dinner, I thought you might want to get out of those wet shoes and socks. It's up to you, I know some people feel funny about taking their shoes off in someone else's room. My gosh, it's really starting to come down out there. You know what I'm thinking? Frasier: [a pained look on his face] No. I truly don't. Cassandra: Well, it doesn't make much sense for you to drive home in this weather, especially since you are coming back for breakfast anyway. Why don't you just stay over tonight? Frasier: [unsure] All right. When you say "Stay over", you mean of course...? Cassandra: [coming out, now dressed in just a shirt] Stay here. Frasier: Oh, here. Right. Splendid. She sits on the bed and so does he. Cassandra: Oh, my God! Frasier: [jumping up] What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Cassandra: I just can't believe it's so late. What are you sorry for? Frasier: Oh, just for... keeping you up so late. Cassandra: Oh, that's all right. Aren't you coming to bed? Frasier: Oh, yes. Coming to bed. Coming to... this bed. Cassandra: Well, would you mind turning the lights out? Frasier: Oh, no, no, not at all. He turns out the light, and in the darkness can be heard slipping into bed. Frasier: You know, Cassandra, I know this may sound like a silly question seeing as how we're... in bed together and... nearly naked, and... I've just been wondering: Is this a romantic date, or... a business thing? There is the sound of snoring, followed by clicking noises. Frasier: Roz, it's Frasier! [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 3 A VALENTINE FOR DAPHNE AND MARTIN Scene 1 - Another Resaurant, Russano's Fade in. Again, it is a fancy restaurant with couples at the tables. Martin leads Daphne to a table. Martin: You know, Daph, I'm really impressed with you. A lot of people get all insecure if they don't have a date on Valentine's Day, but not you. Daphne: Oh, heaven's no. If you think about it, it's just a silly holiday they made up to sell more flowers and candy. Martin: Right. Well, you take a look at the menu and I'll check your coat. Daphne: Oh, no need for that. So, what looks good to you? Martin: [grabbing her coat] The coat-check girl. Gimme your coat. Martin goes to check the coat, the Maitre d' comes over. Maitre d': Happy Valentine's Day, welcome to Russano's. Daphne: Thank you. Maitre d': The waiter will be by to take your drink order when your husband gets back. [leaves] Daphne: Oh, he's not my husband. I don't have a... husband. She trails off as she notices all the happy couples around her. Martin comes back. Martin: [sitting] Wow, I wish there was somethin' else I could check. Besides my blood pressure. Well, I know what I'm in the mood for, a nice big steak. How 'bout you? Daphne begins to cry. Martin: What happened? Daphne: [sobbing] Well, look around you. Nothing but couples in love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly deaf cat on my lap! Martin: But I thought you said you were OK with that. Daphne: What?! Martin: All right, Daph. Come on, now, come on, now, don't get upset, here, have a drink of water or somethin'. Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry about this. Martin: That's OK. Daphne: I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried like that since, well... [crying again] New Year's Eve. Martin: Oh, geez, come on, Daph. You're, uh, you know, you're going to find someone. Daphne: You think so? Martin: Well, sure. Yeah, you're... you have a lot of very great qualities. Daphne: Thank you. I'm so sorry about this. I know it makes you uncomfortable to talk about personal things. Martin: Yeah, well, that's all right. So, you ready to order? Daphne: Yeah. They study the menus for a moment. Daphne: What kind of qualities? Martin: Well... you know, you're smart, and nice-looking, and fun to be with. So you gonna go with the soup or salad? Daphne: You really think I'm nice-looking? Martin: [flustered] Well, sure, yeah. Where's that guy with the bread? Daphne: That is so sweet of you. Martin: Well, don't mention it. Let's just have a nice happy evening. Daphne: Of course. I'm fine now. [after another short pause] Nice- looking how? Martin: Oh, geez! Daphne: Oh, never mind. Martin: Oh, no it's all right. Well, you know, you're pretty and, uh... tall, and uh... take good care of your hair, you know... You're attractive, what do you want from me? Daphne: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't here this sort of thing very much lately. Martin: Well, you're just in a slump, that's all. You ask me, you're a great catch. A waiter comes over. Waiter: It's not my place to say so, Miss, but I think your father's right. You're a very attractive woman. He goes off. Daphne smiles, Martin does not. Daphne: Well, how about that? That's a nice little ego boost. Martin: Yeah. Daphne: I feel so silly all of a sudden. Getting upset out of nowhere like that. Well, I feel better now. Ready to share a nice big steak? Martin: [grumpy] Yeah, fine, whatever. Daphne: What's wrong with you? Martin: Why did he assume I was your father? I mean, a lot of guys my age go out with women like you. What's he tryin' to say? That I could never attract someone young and pretty? Daphne: Well, thank you, Mr. Crane. Martin: Does this all have to be about you? Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes. You're a very attractive man with lots of wonderful qualities. Martin: Yeah, yeah, I know. All right, let's order. Again the look over the menus. Martin: Like what? Daphne: Oh, come on now. You're very charming, and you have a good sense of humor. And you've got lovely eyes. [he laughs modestly] But most of all, you're good company. I enjoy living with you. Martin: Well, thank you, Daphne. I like living with you, too. Daphne: Thank you. Back to the menus, but... Daphne: So why do you like living with me? Martin: Oh, for God's sake, can't we just agree to cut this out? Daphne: Oh, all right, all right. You're wonderful, I'm wonderful. You know it's funny when I think about the two of us. I mean, sure, we have our little fights, but for the most part we get along so well together. And when I think about how I enjoy looking after you, and how you always seem to miss me when I've been gone for too long, well it's sort of like you're my... Martin: [smiling] What? Daphne: No, it might sound funny to say this... Martin: No, come on, that's all right, you can say it. Daphne: All right. Well, it's sort of like you're my pet. Martin: What?! Daphne: In a good sense. Like you and Eddie. Martin: What the hell you talkin' about? You callin' me a dog now?! Daphne: It's an analogy, for God's sake... The two begin loudly bickering as everyone stares at them, Martin throwing in some comment about Eddie eating better than he does on her cooking, Daphne coming back that he could stand to lose some weight, etc. etc. etc. Fade out. [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is standing in the entrance to the dining room, when the coat-check girl brings his and Daphne's coats. He brings some money out of his pocket and tips her, then digs around again and tips her a little extra. She touches his shoulder and gives him her sexiest smile. Martin takes the coats to their table, where Daphne is having a drink with the waiter who called her attractive. She shoos Martin away, and he merrily goes back to chatting up the coat-check girl.
Plan: A: Valentine's Day; Q: What holiday is it on in this episode? A: Frasier; Q: Who is meeting with Cassandra Stone? A: dinner; Q: What is the date Niles has invited over to Frasier's apartment for? A: his trousers; Q: What does Niles try to iron out of a crease? A: disaster ensues; Q: What happens when Niles' pants catch fire? A: the extinguisher; Q: What does Niles lose control of when his pants catch fire? A: the station's new marketing manager; Q: Who is Cassandra Stone? A: dates; Q: What are Martin and Daphne both without? A: dateless; Q: What do Martin and Daphne discover what it is like to be? Summary: It is Valentine's Day . In preparation for a date whom Niles has invited over to Frasier's apartment for dinner, Niles attempts to iron a crease out of his trousers, and disaster ensues when they catch fire and he loses control of the extinguisher . Frasier is meeting with Cassandra Stone, the station's new marketing manager, but is unsure as to whether it is a romantic date or just a business meeting. Meanwhile, both without dates, Martin and Daphne decide to have a meal together and discover what it is like to be dateless.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Barry: I'm an Al Fayeed. That means I'm a powerful man here. Molly: Are you saying you want to stay? Barry: Jamal, it's, uh, it's me, Bassam. What would you think if I hung around for a while? Jamal: Yes. I would like to make Bassam special counsel to the president. Sammy: My name's Sammy, by the way. Abdul: Abdul. Sammy: And I thought maybe we could hang out? Abdul: I'd be disappointed if we didn't. Nusrat: Ahmed. Stop. Please. Fauzi: What the hell were you doing with those men? Ihab Rashid? Samira: I was trying to make a difference. Something you wouldn't understand. Tariq: We have captured Ihab Rashid and ten of his followers. Fauzi: Well, I'm not sure if it matters to you, but you're about to execute the wrong man. Jamal: What would you have me do? Open the jails and set everyone free? Barry: Yeah. Let's start with that. (panting) (pop song playing faintly) (panting) (song playing faintly) (keys jingle) (door opens) (panting) ♪ it's my own desire ♪ ♪ it's my own remorse ♪ ♪ help me to decide ♪ ♪ help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure ♪ ♪ nothing ever lasts forever ♪ ♪ everybody wants to rule the world ♪ ♪ there's a room where the lights... ♪ (music stops) (panting) (call to prayer playing) [SCENE_BREAK] Kazim: Allahu akbar. (whispering) Allahu akbar. [SCENE_BREAK] Leila: It might work. Jamal: Don't talk about it. Leila: The doctor suggested... Jamal: That's talking about it. Leila: We could try again, that's all. Jamal: If we try and I fail, I will feel worse. Change the subject. Molly: You were up early. Barry: Yeah, I couldn't sleep. It's, um... it's the 23rd. Molly: I know. Barry: One anniversary that I'd like to forget. Nimaat: I saw you praying. Kazim: Is that a problem? Nimaat: Oh, not as long as you're praying for a job. Salim: I'm tired of just bread. Nimaat: Bread is what we have. Where are you going? Kazim: To see a man. Nimaat: About a job? Kazim: Yes. Soon, you will have more than bread for breakfast. You will have all the fruit... and cheese... and eggs you can eat. I promise. Good-bye, my love. Nimaat: Return with work. You'll have kisses then. Nasreen: Bye, papa. Nimaat: Eat. Molly: Plus, honey, it happened 20 years ago. Sammy: What happened? Molly: Uh... your father wants Uncle Jamal to acknowledge the anniversary of the gas attack in Ma'an. Emma: Yeah, that's the least you can do, considering 20,000 people were killed. Sammy: Yeah. Who were trying to kill us. Molly: Acknowledging the past is one thing, but why invite the comparison between your father and Jamal? Barry: Well, that's the point. As an Al Fayeed and as president... Emma: Unelected. Barry: He can't avoid the comparison, sitting in that chair. Emma: Don't you mean throne? Sammy: Geez, what's your problem with us being royalty? Barry: Sammy, this isn't a monarchy. You are not royalty. Emma: Right. We're just grandchildren of a war criminal. Molly: Emma! Emma: Reema, do people still talk about what happened in Ma'an? Reema: Not really. Sammy: Everyone knows what happened, right? Molly: Guys, don't put her on the spot. You're making her uncomfortable. I'm sorry, Reema. Man 1: We will eat when it's time for lunch. Man 2: But I am hungry. Man 1: Maybe next time your mother tells you to come for breakfast, you will come. Kazim (shouting): Never forget, Ma'an! Never forget the Al Fayeed's crime against humanity! Like father, like son! Never forget Ma'an! Never forget! Down with the tyrant! Like father, like son! Down with the tyrant! Never forget Ma'an! Never forget! (crowd murmuring) (women screaming) (people shouting) Man 1: Put that down. Put it down! Do you know what I went through to get you this job? You will lose it, or worse. That has nothing to do with us. Do your work. Do your work! (crowd shouting, screaming) (crowd chattering quietly) Woman: Thank you, sister. Ihab: Your husband was a great hero of the resistance. (Nimaat sobs) Nimaat: Don't speak as if you knew him! Ihab: You will have... glorious martyr's funeral. Nimaat: Please... just leave. Salim: I want to be great hero like my father. Nimaat: Leave here. Leave us be. Ihab: I do not pretend to have known Kazim very well. But I know how hard he worked to provide for his family. Until the Al Fayeeds replaced him with one of their cronies. But you will see, their time is coming to an end sooner than you think, and... Your husband... your husband's courageous act will be remembered as the first great act of defiance in our liberation. Peace be on you and your children. (door opens) (door closes) (Nimaat crying softly) (crying continues) Ihab (recorded): But you will see, their time is coming to an end sooner than you think, and... Jamal: So Ihab Rashid is behind all this. Tariq: A man I had in custody. Barry: For something he hadn't done. Tariq: Immaterial. He's an enemy of the state. Condemned by his own words. Mr. President, it's clear to me that we need to clear the square. Barry: It's a peaceful protest. Ziad: It is an unlawful gathering. Barry: Is there such a thing here as a lawful gathering? Tariq: Your brother is now a constitutional advisor? Jamal: Let him speak. Tariq: He has nothing to say. Jamal: General. Barry: Peaceful demonstration is a basic human right. I'm just trying to imagine what storm troopers hauling away nonviolent protestors is gonna look like when it goes viral on youtube. Jamal: Bassam, what do you suggest I do? Barry: Go down to the square. Make a statement acknowledging our father's regrettable act. Tariq: Regretted by who? Barry: It was a war crime. Tariq: I don't recall seeing Harry Truman in irons after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Ziad: This, uh, so-called, uh, Ma'an massacre brought peace after four years of civil war. Tariq: I was proud to carry out your father's order and would again without hesitation. Protests like these need to be strangled in their crib. Barry: Ihab Rashid is trying to claim the moral high ground by tying you to our father's crime, but don't let him. Go to the square and show the people that you respect their rights, that you'll rule differently... That's what this is really about. Jamal: Colonel, secure a place for me in the square to address the people. Tariq: Mr. President... Jamal: My brother is right. I am the true voice of Abbudin, not this terrorist pretender Ihab Rashid. Our people will thrill to their president's words. (line ringing) Abdul (recorded): This is Abdul Naqvi. Leave your name and number and I'll call you back. (beep) Sammy: Hey, Abdul, it's, uh, Sammy. Did, um... did I miss something? How-how come you're not calling me back? Ahmed: Cousin. Sammy: Hey. Ahmed: This is my trainer Anna. Sammy: Hi. Ahmed: Grandfather brought her over from east germany, back when there was an East Germany. She took bronze in the decathlon in the '88 olympics. Sammy: Impressive. Congratulations. Ahmed: I'm the one who deserves a medal. Dropping 20 pounds for my wedding. Go on, Anna. I'll meet you in the gym. So, cousin, Nusrat's been a little, um, under the weather. I've been trying to cheer her up. Anyway, I told her I wanted to take her to the club tonight with some friends. She didn't want to go. But I told her that you and Emma were coming. (both chuckle) Sammy: Um... I'll ask Emma, but I'm not really up for going out tonight. Ahmed: Trust me, you'll want to be there. The Nasr twins are flying in from Kuwait. Sammy: The, um, Nasr twins? Ahmed: Sabina and Nashina. (exhales) I made out with one once, but, uh, I never knew which. (Sammy chuckles) With them, every day is spring break. You and Abdul can each have one. Sammy: Abdul's going? Ahmed: Abdul goes where I go. Come. Bring Emma. We will show you how we party in Abbudin. (crowd chanting in Arabic) Fauzi: I've been worried sick trying to find you. You don't answer my calls, not my e-mails. Where have you been? Samira: Where I belong. Fauzi: Samira, you belong home and safe with me. Samira: So I can serve tea? While you write blog posts that no one reads? I'm done wishing for change. I'm making it happen. Fauzi: They put you in prison once already because of your association with Ihab Rashid. Samira: And I'll go back again, if that's what it takes to win our freedom. Fauzi: How can you say that? You know what they're capable of, what they did to me. Samira: Why do you think they tolerate you now? Because you don't threaten them. Not like this. Fauzi: Samira, come home with me. Come-come... please. Samira: No. Fauzi: I'm asking you to come home with me. Samira: No, I'm not... Fauzi: Samira, I'm begging you. Man: Hey. Hey. Leave the sister be. Fauzi: I'm her father. Man: Then you should be happy. She has found the righteous path. Samira: It's okay. We are okay. Fauzi: "Righteous path"? They just want you to trade one form of subjugation for another. Samira: I'm not naive, father. I know that Ihab's way isn't perfect, but he says the brotherhood will change once they're in power. Fauzi: And you believe him? Samira: I'm willing to give him a chance. And I wish you'd give me a chance. Stay with me. (crowd chanting over TV) Reporter: From students to islamists to members of the labor party, the protestors represent many different constituencies, but all are united in their frustration at the dynastic succession that has installed Jamal Al Fayeed, the son of the so-called butcher of Abbudin, as president. (door opens) (turns off TV) Molly: Hey, Reema, uh, what are they saying about Jamal? Reema: Please don't tell them. I swear, I won't do it again. Molly: It's okay, Reema. You can have the TV on. Reema: It's not permitted. Molly: Honestly, I don't mind. Reema: It's against the law. Molly: Against the law? Reema: We can only watch what they allow us to watch. Molly: They can't arrest you for watching the news. So this morning when you said no one talks about Ma'an, it's not because they've forgotten. It's because they're afraid to say anything. Reema: Please, ma'am, I already say too much. Jamal: "This day is a chance for me to ask the people's forgiveness" "for a dark moment in our nation's history..." Leila: Why would you apologize for something your father did when you weren't even old enough to grow a beard? Jamal: Because my brother the diplomat thinks it is what the people want to hear. Barry: The reason people are following Ihab Rashid is because he's given them a voice. How else can we expect them to follow you? Leila: Your tongue is your horse. If you let it loose, it will betray you. Ihab: And that is what the Al Fayeeds want you to think. But we... we think for ourselves, and all we have to do is look and we see the security forces making it safe for Jamal Al Fayeed coming to greet you like a pharaoh. Me? I'm here as a man and a servant of Allah. Did anyone appoint me? Crowd: No! Ihab: No! Did I take this country of my birth, of my father's birth, by bloody hand? Crowd: No! Ihab: No! Who here lost someone 20 years ago in Ma'an? (crowd murmuring) I, too, lost someone. My mother. I saw the blood spill from her eyes, from her mouth. My father exiled, his scarred lungs the only reminder of... of his home. Now these Al Fayeeds, they want to give us platitudes instead of work! Instead of food! Men and women of Abbudin, we have asked for so little, and that is exactly is what we have gotten, but, inshallah, today, we are no longer asking. No, no, no, my brothers and sisters. Today we're here to tell the Al Fayeeds that their day is done! Crowd (chanting): The day is done! Their day is done! Their day is done! Their day is done! (chanting continues) Man 1: Over there! Man 2: It's the Al Fayeeds! (crowd cheering) Man: The Al Fayeeds! (chanting continues, shouting) Man: Hey! Hey! Jamal: Run them down! (horn honking) Run them down! Leila: Go! (engine revving) Go! (horn honking) (banging on car) Jamal: Tomorrow, there will be only pigeons in the square. Crowd (chanting): Their day is done! Their day is done! [SCENE_BREAK] (dance music playing) Ahmed: Yeah. Ahmed: Yes! Guard: Good to see you, as always, Ahmed. Yeah, my man. Ahmed: There they are. Nashina, Sabina. Meet my American cousins, Sammy and Emma. Hey, darling. Ah, you look gorgeous. Nashina: You were right. Your cousin is so cute. Nusrat: Yeah, yeah, I told you. Ahmed: Allison, my favorite waitress. Allison: My favorite prince. Ahmed: Mmm. Why bother with the glass when it already comes in a bottle? Sammy: I left you, like, a dozen messages. Abdul: Yes, you should stop doing that. Sammy: What the hell? You're just gonna blow me and then blow me off? Abdul: We hooked up. It was one night. You don't do that in America? Sammy: Okay, that's not what it was. I know the difference... Abdul: Hey. Ahmed: Ah. Come, let's sit. Woman (over computer): Hit it harder. (Jamal coughs) That's good, baby. (Jamal sighs) (woman moans) (Jamal sighs) Oh, yeah. Come on, big boy. Jamal: Come on. (panting) Man (over computer): Oh, yeah. Leila: Jamal? (clicks computer off) Jamal: What? What?! I'm... about to shower. Leila: John Tucker is on the way over here. I picked up a suit for you. Jamal: Why is Tucker coming? Leila: Because I asked him to. Tomorrow, after you clear the square, you will need the Americans. (Jamal sniffles) Jamal: Need the Americans. Need them for what? Leila: Political cover from the U.N. and the E.U. and all those absurd human rights watch dogs who love to bark. Jamal: You really think the Americans will stand with us? Leila: If they want to keep their base on our lands, they'd better. Jamal: Clearing the square. It all sounds so antiseptic. People will die. Leila: And those who don't will understand how strong you are, and they will teach that lesson when they return to their homes. Now put your suit on. (lively music playing) Barry (over phone): Fauzi? It's Bassam. Fauzi: Bassam? Barry: Listen, I need to talk to you. Fauzi: It's-it's... it's really hard to hear. Arry: I said, I need to talk to you. Fauzi: Oh, I'm-I'm listening. Barry: No, not on the phone, and, uh, it's probably not a good idea for me to come to the plaza. Fauzi: There is a cafe nearby called Yahala. Barry: Okay. I'll be there in an hour. (crowd chanting, clapping) (lively music continues) (dance music playing) Nashina: You're good. Sammy: What? Nashina: You dance better than most guys. You have a girlfriend back home? Sammy: Ah... no. Ahmed: The Porsch91 is quick, but the McLaren is insane. I bought two. Emma: Why do you need two? Ahmed: Why do I need one? Because I can. You have a problem with that? Nusrat: Ahmed. Ahmed: What? Nusrat: Don't be rude to her. Ahmed: I'm asking her a question. Emma: People could just take it the wrong way. Ahmed: What people? Emma: I don't know. People that are hungry, people in the plaza. In case you haven't noticed, it's all over facebook, snapchat, twitter. Ahmed: What do I care about those people? They don't even know what a McLaren is. Emma: A man who hasn't worked in almost a year lights himself on fire, and you're laughing about it? Ahmed: Lighten up, little cousin. You're not being very fun right now. I want to dance. What do you think, baby? You want to dance? Nusrat: Uh, no, I don't think so. Ahmed: Yeah, you do. Come on. Nusrat: Uh, I'm going to go for a cigarette with Emma. Emma: It's okay. I don't smoke. Nusrat: You can start tonight. Come on. (Ahmed sighs) Ahmed: What are you looking at? Abdul: Nothing. Ahmed: Get me another one. Abdul: Why don't you take a break? Ahmed: Why don't you get me another one? (Jamal sighs) (door opens) John: Mr. President. Jamal: Mr. Special envoy. Thank you for coming at such a late hour. John: I heard about your, uh, aborted trip to the plaza. That sounds... harrowing. Jamal: We are sending in forces at dawn to restore order. The U.S., of course, will issue a statement condemning our excessive use of force. John: How excessive? Jamal: Well... It will be what it will be. John: Oh? Jamal: Now, despite Washington's pro forma protest, I assume we'll have no real problem? John: Up to a point. Jamal: Up to a point? What is your over and under? 50 dead? 500? John: The wrong one could be problematic. Shoot an attractive college coed in the head, all bets are off. Jamal: Mm. This coed against your key regional naval base? Thank you for your time. John: Thank you, Mr. President. Now, one thing you might want to bear in mind. Uh, our naval base lease is with your nation, not your family personally, right? We keep Guantanamo, but Castro hates our guts. Jamal: Meaning what? John: Meaning, like all things, patience is finite. (dance music playing) Ahmed: It's not just your sister. All you Americans think everyone has the right to everything whenever they want. Am I right? But look around. There's only so much room in the VIP section. sh1t! What are you doing, walking into me like that? Abdul: I'll get some napkins. I'm sorry. Ahmed: Napkins? I'm drenched in cristal up to my ass. Abdul: I'll take care of it, okay? Sammy: Cousin, cousin, it was an accident, all right? Ahmed: No. Accidents are unexpected. This asshole told me I've had enough, and then sprays sh1t everywhere. Abdul: Ahmed. Sammy: Dude, come on! Ahmed: Take off your pants. Abdul: What? Ahmed: No, no, no, no, I'm not walking out of here looking like I pissed myself 'cause he can't hold his champagne. Sammy: Ahmed, Ahmed, you're shitfaced, and you need to back off. Abdul didn't do anything, all right? Abdul: It's my fault, okay? Your cousin is right. Ahmed: I'm out of here. Where the hell is my wife? Molly: (sighs) I'm a little worried about the kids. They're still out. Barry: I didn't want them to go either, but we can't keep them locked up in the palace. Molly: Where are you going? Barry: Fauzi's blogging from the square. He's with his daughter. I need to get down there and, uh, warn them before... Molly: Before what? Barry: Jamal's authorized Tariq to go in tomorrow morning. He's sending in his storm troopers. Molly: Barry? It's not safe for you to be there, especially after what happened today. Barry: It's not safe for anyone there, okay? There's no such thing as safety. If I didn't know it yesterday, I know it today. Molly: Hey, I'm not the enemy, okay? I'm on your side. Barry: Well, don't be, okay? 'Cause my side doesn't have a clue what it's supposed to be doing. I let the guy out. I pushed Jamal to release him, because I thought... I don't know what I thought. I-I didn't want my brother to be like my father, so... so let's not make the same mistake as our parents. Let's make a partner out of Ihab Rashid. Let's make peace. What's happening in the plaza tomorrow... that's my doing. I made that possible. Molly: Really? Okay. Reema, my maid... shy little Reema... You know why she's so quiet? She told me today. Because she and everyone else in this country have been living in fear for 20 years. Afraid to... to think, to read, to speak. And now they've had enough. You didn't make Ihab Rashid. Your father did. You let him out of jail because turning him into a martyr for a crime he didn't commit would have made things worse. Barry: I don't know. Ihab's just as ruthless as Tariq is. Molly: Is that really a surprise? I-I don't think you can subjugate a people for 20 years and expect Nelson Mandela to walk out of prison every time. Barry, it took almost a century to make peace in Northern Ireland. No one's done it yet in Kashmir or Israel. What do you think you're gonna do, show up like some kind of movie hero and wrap things up in a long weekend? Everyone here is scared. Everyone is broken. If you can get any one of them to come even an inch closer to trust, that's a win. Are you gonna be okay? Barry: Yeah. Yeah. (phone chimes) Sammy: I'm still hungry. Gonna see if can get something. Emma: Okay. (Sammy exhales) Abdul: Listen... I'm sorry. Sammy: What the hell's wrong with you? I don't understand anything that you're doing. Abdul: Look, my grandfather was not head of security, neither is my father. He's a security guard. Nobody. Sammy: Okay. I don't give a sh1t. Abdul: Because you are not me. I get invited here... and to the parties and the VIP rooms... Because people like the way I look. The way I talk, the way I dress up. But if Ahmed or anyone would find out, doors would close like that. I'm here at their pleasure. That's why Ahmed can treat me however he wants. And why... you and I... Sammy: You're afraid. Abdul: I'm not afraid. I'm ambitious. Rules don't apply to your family. If you get caught, you can always go home. Me, I have nowhere else to go. Sammy: So why didn't you just ignore me when I met you? What was the point? Why did you and I... Abdul: Because you were only visiting, and I took the chance. I'm sorry you got hurt. Barry: I ordered you espresso. Fauzi: So what's so important you couldn't tell me over the phone? Barry: I didn't want them to hear. Fauzi: Who? Barry: Tariq, Ziad, whoever it is I'm sure is listening to my phone calls. They're sending forces in at dawn, with orders to clear the plaza. Fauzi: And? Barry: You and Samira shouldn't be there. Fauzi: You came all the way here to tell me what people have been expecting since this all began? (Barry scoffs) Barry: You're not hearing me I'm commiting a possibly treasonous breach of security to warn my friend to get out of harm's way. People are gonna die tomorrow. Fauzi: Go to hell, Bassam. (Barry scoffs) Barry: Where's that coming from? Fauzi: You're telling me to leave the plaza when that's where you should be. Barry: Yeah, I tried. Your freedom lovers tried to lynch me. Fauzi: You-you came there in a government limo... flanked by palace security, instead of walking in as a citizen of Abbudin. As a man. Barry: To do what? Tell me... what-what is it you want me to do? Fauzi: I want you to get your hands dirty. To go against your family. Barry: Oh, and-and get behind Ihab? 'Cause I'm pretty sure he's not the answer. Fauzi: Bassam, I have no illusions about Ihab. One thing he does understand, though, is that the people are done being told how to live their lives. My daughter, all she really wants isis the freedom to speak her mind, to read what she wants to read. All she wants is to have a say in her own future... to be heard, to be listened to. Barry: She's risking her life. Fauzi: Well, she's willing to take that chance. Barry: And you're okay with that? Fauzi: Whatever happens, Bassam, I will be standing next to her. Barry: Fauzi. Wait. (knocking) Molly: How was the club? Glad you're home. Emma: Me, too. Molly: Did something happen? Emma: No. Molly: That doesn't sound very convincing. Tell me what happened. Emma: It's nothing. Molly: Baby... tell me. Emma: Mom, I just want to go home. Molly: Sweetheart, it's okay. Emma: No, it's not. There's something seriously, seriously wrong with this place. Molly: Come here, come here. Tariq (over phone): We'll be ready to move at dawn. Jamal: The initial stage? Tariq: The usual. Tear gas, rubber bullets, water cannons. Jamal: And if that proves insufficient? Tariq: Live ammunition. Jamal: A bloodbath. Tariq: It usually doesn't take that many corpses to discourage idealists. (iPad chimes) There would have been less blood if we had done this when I first suggested. Mr. President? Jamal: General, I need to call you back. Tariq: Mr. President. Jamal: Why did you send me this? Barry: To show you your future. 'Cause you're gonna get what Qaddafi got if you send Tariq into the square. Jamal: And you know before these animals put a bullet in Qaddafi's brain, they sodomized him with a bayonet. I will kill 50, 100,000 before I let them do that to me. Barry: You know why that happened to him and not our father? Because 20 years later, the world won't look the other way anymore. Your friends, the Americans, won't. Qaddafi was on his way to commit mass slaughter in Benghazi when NATO intervened. Look, even if Tariq clears the plaza today, twice as many people will come back, and they will keep coming back until they're outside the palace. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but it will happen. And sooner than you think. So, I'm not saying don't use violence because it's wrong, I'm saying don't use violence because it doesn't work. Jamal: Tell me what will work, not what won't. Barry: I asked Fauzi Nidal to set up a meeting with Ihab Rashid. Jamal: The man who would have all our heads? Barry: He's willing to meet me. Let me go and see him and find out what he wants. Maybe it's things we can agree to... a new constitution or a more transparent economy... things that maybe aren't worth massacring people over. The people are willing to die to be heard, so unless you're prepared to kill every last one of them... This is the only way. You can go down in history as one more brutal dictator. Or you can be remembered as the leader who had the courage to listen to his people. Who do you want to be?
Plan: A: Tensions; Q: What boils as the 20th anniversary of the chemical attack looms? A: President Khaled Al-Fayeed; Q: Who is Barry's father? A: Barry's plan; Q: What plan to defuse the situation runs into heavy resistance? A: Jamal; Q: Who struggles to regain confidence in the bedroom? Summary: Tensions boil as the 20th anniversary of the chemical attack ordered by Barry's father, President Khaled Al-Fayeed looms. Barry's plan to defuse the situation runs into heavy resistance. Meanwhile, Jamal struggles to regain confidence in the bedroom.
"Two Bodies in the Lab" [SCENE_BREAK] [Open in Brennan's office at the Jeffersonian with Brennan sitting at her computer chatting online. Pan to a shot of her computer screen showing a site called sensiblepartners.com. She is online as Doc206 talking to Firstimer34551 and we see the text below] <Firsttimer34551>: It's been two weeks of typing; I think we're ready to have a meal, if only to give our fingers a rest. <Doc206>: I'm enjoying the anonymity. <Firsttimer34551>: Oh God, don't tell me your picture was a fake. <Doc206>: Just carefully lit. How about yours? <Firsttimer34551>: I Photoshopped out my third eye. I'll meet you at 7 at Nolita's on K Street. [Brennan pauses thinking about what to say.] <Firsttimer34551>: Still there? [Dr. Goodman enters her office.] DR. GOODMAN: Temperance. BRENNAN: [startled] Oh... DR. GOODMAN: I startled you... BRENNAN: Yeah, I was just chatting with a friend online. DR. GOODMAN: Sorry but we have a new delivery, top priority. [Brennan turns back to her computer to type in "I'll be there. 7." Then ends the conversation while Dr. Goodman waits.] DR. GOODMAN: Sounds like a good friend. BRENNAN: Yes, it's fascinating how interests and intimacy can be cultivated online. DR. GOODMAN: So you've never met this friend? BRENNAN: I've done enough Googling to schedule a dinner. You said there was a delivery? [Cut to the Lab Platform. There is skeleton on the exam table with Hodgins and Zack looking at it. The skeleton has what appears to be cement blocks on its feet. Brennan and Dr. Goodman walk up and she puts her hair up.] ZACK: The bones washed ashore on Chesapeake Bay. HODGINS: Judging from the algae, he's been fish food for quite awhile. BRENNAN: They ate through both tibia. ZACK: The remains show evidence of bullet wounds. HODGINS: Which would explain why he has all those holes in him. ZACK: Looks as though they weren't made by a thirty-two, maybe a thirty-eight? ANGELA: [Joining the group] Heard you might need a face. DR. GOODMAN: The FBI is pretty certain this is James Cugini. They're looking for evidence that could lead them to the killer. HODGINS: Wow, Jimmy Cugini. BRENNAN: I don't know who that is. ANGELA: It's a mob boss who disappeared six years ago after his daughters dance recital. HODGINS: Cement shoes, pretty trite. BRENNAN: Why mess with the classics? ANGELA: Hmmm. BRENNAN: Did they find any of the bullets? ZACK: No. BRENNAN: They really are quite good at this. HODGINS: Should we really be involved in mob stuff? I mean they're really into to the whole killing thing. DR. GOODMAN: I can provide you with a job description if you've forgotten what we do here, Dr. Hodgins. BRENNAN: After you clean him up Zack, I want you to x-ray the bone for any bullet fragments. Be very careful cleaning the exit and entrance wounds. I want to recover any markings the bullet left as it passed through the bone. ZACK: Yeah, I can have them ready about eight tonight. BRENNAN: Uhhh, can't work tonight. Tomorrow morning is fine. ANGELA: You have a date tonight. BRENNAN: It's not a date, it's a meal. HODGINS: With a man? ANGELA: Did you meet him on the website I told you about? BOOTH: [Swiping his card, he and another man come up onto the platform] You're dating online? BRENNAN: Well it's a practical way of objectively examining a potential partner without all the game play. ANGELA: That comes later if it works out. [Looking at the man with Booth] Hi, I'm Angela. KENTON: Special Agent Jamie Kenton. Hi. Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Hey. ANGELA: You two know each other? BRENNAN: Well, I was at the Bureau when Booth took his coffee cup. Apparently their both the worlds greatest FBI Agents. BOOTH: That's right. Kenton is working the Cugini case. He's one of the original investigators. This is Brennan's brain trust. BRENNAN: [Leading them to the table] Your victim is over here BOOTH: So what if your computer date's a psycho? ANGELA: Only about a billion people date online. HODGINS: Yeah, I have. BOOTH: You know, what ever happened to seeing someone across a crowded room, eyes meeting, that old black magic gets you in its spell... BRENNAN: There's no such thing as magic. BOOTH: Oh there's magic. BRENNAN: Are you here for a reason because Kenton is handling this. BOOTH: We have some remains to look at. BRENNAN: I'm already looking at them. BOOTH: Nope, no, not the Cugini case. Kenton will baby-sit him. These are fresh. BRENNAN: Well I was told that our friend in the cement shoes took precedence. BOOTH: That was before we found someone tortured and ripped apart by dogs. [Cut to an abandoned warehouse. Brennan, Booth, and Zack are inside surveying a rather gruesome crime scene. There's a body with its wrists tied to a pole above its head and large dogs in cages all around the room barking and growling] BRENNAN: [Speaking into a voice recorder] Ninety percent of the flesh is missing because of mutilation and post mortem anthropophagi caused by canine scavenging. ZACK: [To Booth] They have to stay here? BOOTH: We're waiting to see if you need them for anything. BRENNAN: No, not now. Ask him to save the excrement for Hodgins. BOOTH: Lucky Hodgins. What about the eyes? BRENNAN: Gone. BOOTH: Gouged out? BRENNAN: Yes, you can see the scrapings in the orbital cavities much rougher then the knife scaring. It was done with a different weapon. BOOTH: Son-of-a-bitch. BRENNAN: You've seen this before. BOOTH: Yeah, two years ago we found a seventeen year old girl in a tool shed bound, slashed, eyes gouged out, nothing for her parents to identify. Suspect was Kevin Hollings, everything pointed to him but couldn't get the hard evidence so the DA refused to prosecute. He's twisted, Brennan. You know, it's like a game to him. BRENNAN: He used dogs before? BOOTH: No, he's making the killings more elaborate. It's like he's testing us. BRENNAN: Until he goes to far and he gets caught. Isn't that the expected pathology. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Well I can determine the kinds of weapons, time of death. Hodgins might find something useful in the dogs... [Bone's cell phone rings and she goes to her bag to answer it.] BRENNAN: [Answers ringing call phone] Brennan? Just working. [An arm fall off the victim, Brennan instructs Zack] Bag that. [To her date] Yeah of course. I'm starving. Seven thirty, okay, yes. I'll meet you there. Okay. Bye. [To Booth] My reservation just got pushed by a few extra minutes. BOOTH: [Ever the smart ass] Oh, a few extra minutes. Great. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Nothing. BRENNAN: You disapprove? BOOTH: I said great. BRENNAN: With attitude. BOOTH: Don't go overboard with psychology. It's not your thing. BRENNAN: Look, I am an adult Booth. I see men. I go out with them on occasion. I sleep with them. BOOTH: Hey, you know what? That's cool but you don't even know who this guy is that you're meeting. BRENNAN: I have trekked through Tibet avoiding the Chinese army. I think I can handle meeting someone for dinner. BOOTH: Fine, you know what? You have fun with Dick431 or whatever his handle is. BRENNAN: Yeah I will. BOOTH: Good. BRENNAN: Thanks. BOOTH: Fine. BRENNAN: Good. [To voice recorder] Victim is female, late teens to mid twenties, knife mark on the bone evidence of deep cuts probably to open up the flesh make it more appetizing for the dogs. [Cut to a restaurant named Nolita's. Brennan is standing outside waiting for her when her cell phone rings] BRENNAN: David, hi. Yeah I'm here well I guess I'm two doors down. No, I know the traffic on the beltway can be brutal. Okay. Bye. [She accidentally drops the phone and bends to pick it up. Shots whiz by her and she runs to duck behind a car to avoid getting shot.] Guy: Get down! You there! Are you alright? [Intro. Rolls] [Cut to the Jeffersonian. Brennan is examining the dead girl while Angela, Hodgins, and Zack gather around.] BRENNAN: Need enlargements of the super orbital notch. [to Hodgins] Have you examined the dogs' excrement? HODGINS: I'm doing the fecal floatation now. I don't get to say that a lot. BRENNAN: Check for fibers the FBI might have missed as well. ANGELA: You've already told him, twice. Are you sure you don't want a drink? ZACK: You know it wouldn't be difficult to someone to encode a secure data strip implant it on an ID card with a correct digitally encoded authentication data and sneak in here. HODGINS: That is possible. BRENNAN: Are you two going to help or not? ANGELA: You know Booth's pissed that you came here. He had more questions for you at the scene. [Zack and Hodgins walk away.] BRENNAN: He just doesn't want to come here because he has to park in the structure. I need her face as quickly as you can. [Brennan goes over to look at the bones that Zack has cleaned.] BRENNAN: Zack these bullet holes haven't been cleaned. ZACK: I worked on them for hours, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: [Angry] Then that wasn't long enough was it? BRENNAN: [Noticing the look on Hodgins face behind Zack, she softens] I'm sorry but... You take a sinus probe, you put a little cotton swab on the end of it. You dip it in water and you dab it inside the wound until it's clean. The Sistine Chapel took thirteen years to clean properly. ZACK: I didn't think we had that kind of time. BOOTH: Bones! What the hell are you doing? BRENNAN: Working. Why does everyone find that so odd? BOOTH: Why? Oh, I don't know. Why? Because maybe an hour ago someone tried to kill you. [Angrily swiping his card and barging up the stairs to the platform] I don't think it's a good idea for you to continue to work these cases. BRENNAN: This is what I do Booth. BOOTH: Alright look, whoever killed these victims wants to make sure you don't finish your investigation. BRENNAN: Hundreds of criminals would like me to stop what I do. Are you suggesting that I just give up my career? BOOTH: Just be reasonable. BRENNAN: Fine. Logic suggests that the shooter is involved in one of these cases so I should find out who killed them before he tries to shoot me again. Did Forensics recover the bullets that were meant for me? BOOTH: Ballistics is running tests on them right now. BRENNAN: And have you picked up the suspect in the young woman's murder? BOOTH: Hollings, I don't want to spook him until we have enough evidence but I've got guys watching him. BRENNAN: Did you get a list of woman missing age eighteen to twenty... BOOTH: Eighteen to twenty-five, yes. They are on your server. Brennan, everyone is doing their job. ANGELA: [walks up] Okay I will see if any of them match the victim. [sits at a computer] BRENNAN: Well what about the Romano family? Hodgins says they were feuding with the Cugini's. BOOTH: Kenton is pulling all the files on the case on all mob activity six years ago. Brennan there is one other person we have to look at, your date. BRENNAN: Well I spoke with him, Booth. He was in his car in traffic and why would he want to kill me? BOOTH: Why would somebody want to kill your victim over there? Look Brennan, I know it's hard for you to admit you're wrong about something but I really don't care about your feelings right now, I'm more concerned with your life. So they're bringing your date in for interrogation, grab your coat. BRENNAN: I'm working. BOOTH: Brennan! I'm not letting you out of my sight until I find out who is trying to kill you. [Cut to FBI Headquarters. Booth and Brennan enter an interrogation room where Brennan's date, David, is sitting at the table] DAVID: Temperance. BRENNAN: [Shaking hands] David DAVID: Someone shot at you? BRENNAN: [Referring to the rip in her jacket] Yeah. DAVID: Oh my God. BRENNAN: I know. DAVID: What can I do? BOOTH: Excuse me, I'm special Agent Seeley Booth. I'll be asking the questions. You want to sit down? DAVID: Sure, I mean I didn't see anything. When I got to the restaurant I saw the cops but I had no idea that it had to do with you. BOOTH: You're an investment banker, good looking guy but yet you find your women online. DAVID: Excuse me? BOOTH: Can't you find any woman at work? DAVID: Well she was online too and she's a great looking doctor. Your picture doesn't do you justice by the way. BRENNAN: [smiles] Thank you. Yours either. The resolution must not be very good online. BOOTH: [Brennan moves to sit next to David.] Bones! BRENNAN: Oh he's a Luddite. BOOTH: Hey! BRENNAN: [To Booth, comfortingly] That's someone who's afraid of technology. BOOTH: I know what a Luddite is. So are you saying that you were stuck in traffic? DAVID: What? You think I shot at her? I'm a fundraiser for the Brady campaign against gun violence. [To Brennan] Do you think I tried to kill you? BRENNAN: He has to do this. BOOTH: Yeah I have to do this so what time did you leave work? DAVID: About six forty-five. BOOTH: Any witnesses? DAVID: Yeah, yeah, my assistant; Margaret Jenson, the client I was with, the valet that saw me pull out of the parking garage. I mean unless they are all suspects too. BOOTH: We'll be talking to everyone. DAVID: Well did you check the traffic report? It was a mess. BRENNAN: He did. [To Booth] You did. DAVID: Do I have to get an attorney? BOOTH: Just stay close in case we need you for anything else. DAVID: Yeah, sure. I mean anything I can do to help. [David gets up to leave] BOOTH: So this whole online thing, how long does it last because if it's just a way to, [whistles.] hook up. I gotta tell you. It's pretty low. DAVID: You know one of my partners met his wife online. BRENNAN: You're kidding? DAVID: No, they've been married for five years. BOOTH: Doesn't mean it's not creepy. DAVID: Okay, I'm sorry. Did I miss something cause I don't want to get in the way or between... BRENNAN: What? Uh, no. BOOTH: [Scoffs] No. BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: God. DAVID: Well then maybe we could reschedule dinner? BOOTH: [Booth turns away muttering] No. BRENNAN: Sure. DAVID: Great. BOOTH: You know I think someone needs this room. Let's go. [he escorts David out of the room putting himself between David and Brennan.] DAVID: Ah yeah sure. Well I'll email you. Stay safe. BOOTH: She will stay safe. [David leaves and Booth stops in the doorway of the room. Brennan is looking around Booth at David.] BRENNAN: He's nice. Don't you think? BOOTH: Yeah, he's nice as a suspect. [Notices Brennan staring after David.] What? [Waves a hand in front of her face.] Hello? [Moves in front of her to block her view.] [Cut to Brennan's office] ANGELA: [Handing Brennan a photo] Hey. The victim was Penny Hamilton, nineteen. She was a student at American who disappeared walking back to her dorm. She was about to go to Haiti to work at a medical clinic. BRENNAN: Booth is going to think that this is his fault. ANGELA: He knew her? BRENNAN: The killer has done before. Booth couldn't get the evidence he needed. The guy promised Booth he never would. ANGELA: Where is Booth anyway? Thought he wasn't going to let you out of his sight. BRENNAN: Gave him the positive ID on Cugini. He's calling it in to Kenton. ANGELA: So how do you like David? It's not often you can interrogate a guy on a first date. BRENNAN: I like him. Booth still doesn't approve but I told him to mind his own business. ANGELA: Hey, Booth is a big strong hot guy who wants to save your life. I mean you actually have a knight in shining FBI standard issued body armor, so cut him some slack. BOOTH: Kenton heard the Romano's were pissed that they were reopening the I investigation. They get pissed, they shoot. ZACK: [At the doorway] I cleaned the bones Dr. Brennan. You could eat off them. BOOTH: Is this her? BRENNAN: Yeah. [Cut to Brennan examining the cleaned bones on an exam table] BRENNAN: Nice work Zack. You can see some of the markings left on the bone where the bullet passed through. BOOTH: I can? BRENNAN: [Referring to an enlargement on the computer screen} Yes. Here and here on the outer compact brow. Do you think you could use a computer to recreate the complete imprint the bullet left? ANGELA: I don't know if I have enough here to work with. BOOTH: What are you getting at? BRENNAN: Well after it's discharged every bullet has a distinct pattern etched into it from the barrel of the gun, right? BOOTH: Mm. Hm. BRENNAN: That same pattern would be etched into the bone as it passes through. If we can recover that pattern, we can reverse engineer the bullet. BOOTH: Then you'd be able to tell which weapon was used, its make, model...the whole shebang. ZACK: I've never heard of that technique. BRENNAN: It's a theory I've been working on. I thought this would be a good time to test it. BOOTH: Great. Knock yourself out. [To Zack] Alright, anything more about the girl? ZACK: The knife marks were made by a non-serrated blade consistent with a pocket knife like this one. I found additional knife marks on C-5 indicating that the throat was slashed. BOOTH: What about her eyes? ZACK: The grooving in the eye sockets doesn't match anything on the knife. BOOTH: And Hodgins is playing with dog poop so everyone's got something to do. [To Brennan] Let's go. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Kenton is putting together everything he's got on Cugini's disappearance. BRENNAN: I'm probably more valuable here. BOOTH: No, you're definitely more valuable alive. Alright? I'm not leaving you alone. Come on. ZACK: If it's so dangerous here why are you leaving us? BOOTH: [Punches Zack in the arm] Big strong guy like you, huh? You'll be able to take care of yourself. ZACK: [Grimaces] Ahhh. [Cut to Booth's office. He and Brennan are talking with Kenton.] KENTON: I worked undercover with the Romano's for two years, never got very high in the organization. I left when I thought my cover was being blown. BOOTH: So you think someone from the Romano's did this? KENTON: It had to be, hard to tell who though. They use a lot of different guys for a job like this. This is Frank Lombardi; he's been seen in the area, suspected of killing more then twenty-five people, shooting mostly. Although he likes the occasional garroting. BOOTH: So you think they tried to do away with the good doctor here. KENTON: Well they are trying to look more legit. They don't want any ancient history resurfacing, bad for business. BRENNAN: You don't know it's them. KENTON: I still have my sources. They tell me the Romano's know you're working this case and they know you're the best. I recommend you walk away. BRENNAN: [To Booth] Is that why you brought me here, to scare me into giving up? BOOTH: I want you to get real, alright? These people you are dealing with. BRENNAN: We don't know who we are dealing with. It could be them. It could be Hollings. KENTON: No, no, no. Serial killers, they follow a pattern. They don't bind and torture and then start picking people off with a high powered rifle. BRENNAN: You said Hollings promised no one would ever find enough to get him. Maybe he knows that I can. KENTON: Either way, too dangerous. BOOTH: You almost caught a bullet in the skull. BRENNAN: I can give you answers, Booth. I can help you get Hollings. You really want me to walk away because it's dangerous? KENTON: Sorry man, I tried. BRENNAN: Any word back from ballistics on the bullets that were meant for me? KENTON: Yeah it was a military issue, Colt AR 15. [Brennan cell phone rings and she turns in her chair and answers it.] BRENNAN: Brennan. [Hodgins is in the lab looking through a microscope while Zack is looking on. They talk on speaker phone to Brennan.] HODGINS: Fasciola hepatica, it's a parasite found in beef liver. I found their eggs in the dog excrement. The dogs were strays that were starving so someone must have lured them to the scene with liver scraps because there was no evidence of any liver found at the scene. BRENNAN: So if we find any traces of liver parasite we can tie them to the dogs. HODGINS: It's possible. ZACK: I also found that the cut marks on her bones showed that the pocket knife had a knick in the blade. BRENNAN: Okay, thanks. [Cut to Hollings apartment. Booth knocks at the door and Hollings answers] HOLLINGS: Agent Booth, long time no see. BOOTH: Hollings, I was wondering if we could take a look around your place. HOLLINGS: Do you have a warrant? BOOTH: No, but you enjoy being cooperative if I remember. HOLLINGS: Come in, please. You must be, uh, Dr. Brennan. I read about the incident the other night. You must have had quite a fright. BOOTH: Don't play with her Hollings. HOLLINGS: Oh, I hope you don't think I was being insensitive. Maybe you could tell me what you are looking for and I could help? BOOTH: We just want to look around that's all. HOLLINGS: Be my guest. [Brennan and Booth walk farther into the apartment. She notices a Swiss army knife sitting in a metal bowl on the coffee table and picks it up.] BRENNAN: Can I open this? HOLLINGS: Of course. [She opens it up and inspects the blade while Booth steps into another room off to the side.] HOLLINGS: Is this about the girl they found the other night? Terrible thing. I hope you don't think I'm involved in this one too, do you Agent Booth? BRENNAN: [To Booth] Blades are clean, no nicks. HOLLINGS: I guarantee that whatever you are looking for you're not going to find here. [Brennan goes into the room Booth is in. It has several glass jars on shelves and table full of keys.] BRENNAN: What we need might be locked up someplace. BOOTH: Wow. There are dozen of keys here. HOLLINGS: Tens of thousands. BOOTH: [Whistles] Maybe we'll just take them down to the Bureau and look through them. HOLLINGS: That's a private collection. I'm afraid without cause or a warrant... BOOTH: [Picking up a key with the tip of his pen] Oh, you see I do have cause. You see this key here is from a federal building it says do not duplicate and the other one looks like it was used in a burglary just around the corner and oh since you did allow us into your home. HOLLINGS: This is very rude, Agent Booth. I opened my home to you and this is how... BRENNAN: Before anything is removed we should photograph everything. How he's arranged the items in the room could be very important. HOLLINGS: [Sighs] If you would excuse me I would like to call my attorney. BOOTH: Games not so fun now is it, Hollings? [Cut to interrogation room with Hollings and his attorney sitting across the table from Booth. Brennan is watching on from the other room through the double mirror.] ATTORNEY: I have a court date tomorrow morning at ten you had no right to confiscate his collection. BOOTH: Well there were burglaries in the area. Those keys, they could give us some answers. ATTORNEY: My client can't be tied to any of those burglaries. BOOTH: You're probably right but you see I have a job to do and Mr. Hollings here has always been so understanding of that in the past. HOLLINGS: Oh I do understand. I've given you a statement, explained where I got the keys... ATTORNEY: And since you haven't charged him with anything... BOOTH: Yet, but I'm really looking forward to charging him with this. [Whistles] Look at that, hmm. [Booth pulls out photos of the crime scene] HOLLINGS: I imagine it must be very frustrating when you uh, when you can't solve a crime. ATTORNEY: My client is a respected researcher with Whitney Chemical. He hasn't missed a day of work in the past two weeks unless you have evidence to hold him... BOOTH: Can't stop looking at it, can you Hollings? Hmmm? What does it do to you? Does it make you hot? KENTON: [Entering the room with a box] Is that the psycho? BRENNAN: He's brilliant. He knew we were looking for a pocket knife so he left one in plain site, the wrong one. KENTON: If you don't find anything concrete, he walks again, right? BRENNAN: I don't know if Booth could live with that. Those keys have to lead somewhere. KENTON: [Handing Brennan a file] I have all the files we have on all the suspects. People we knew who worked for the Romano's six years ago, you've got physical descriptions, blood types, everything we had. It might come in handy if you find anymore evidence on the body. BRENNAN: Thanks. After we recreate the bullet we can track the angle of entry based on height and... KENTON: I don't get it. You don't have the physical round that was shot. BRENNAN: I'm trying to make one based on the wounds. It could give us the murder weapon. KENTON: Sweet. BRENNAN: If it works. KENTON: Well you let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. BRENNAN: Sure. [Kenton leaves and Brennan goes back to watching the interview.] BOOTH: I can and I will. ATTORNEY: You're fishing. No judge is going to let you keep that collection, Agent Booth. You have to know that. We'll have it back by tomorrow. HOLLINGS: Nice try. [Cut to Medico Legal Lab on the balcony, Booth is walking with Dr. Goodman.] BOOTH: I got the keys on pretty shaky ground. The judge is going to release them in less then eighteen hours unless we can find something tangible so Brennan thought maybe you could help. DR. GOODMAN: I don't see how I'm an Archeologist. BOOTH: [Handing Goodman a photo] She thought maybe you could look at it as though some kind of historical site. DR. GOODMAN: Uh, I suppose that's a reasonable assumption. A person's environment is a reflection of who he is. BOOTH: He's a predator, very smart, enjoys the game, you know feels like he's untouchable. DR. GOODMAN: The room is centered around this chair. You can see how he surrounds the back and sides by the bulk of keys. If this were an innocent collection it would be facing it. This configuration, he's displaying it. BOOTH: Well a guy like this, you know his kills are prizes. The bureau is searching through these keys know to see if they can match one to a storage locker or another apartment but there's just too many of them. DR. GOODMAN: Mayan rulers kept souvenirs of their kills. They called the display a tzompantli. It was believed it showed their strength and power and would strike fear into anyone who saw it. BOOTH: He's a loner. DR. GOODMAN: Yes but his gave him enough power and security that he let you into his home. He's right handed, correct? BOOTH: Yeah, right. DR. GOODMAN: Well the bulk of the keys are on his right side. Those of the greatest value to him would be in reach. They hold his power. I would look at any of the keys in the containers on his right side over here. [Cut to Brennan and Zack looking over the skeleton of the woman.] ZACK: I thought it could be a saw blade of some kind. I compared the damage with these. [Referring to various blades] But the crenulations form a regular pattern. They don't match what we see in the orbital cavities. BRENNAN: And what if she were struggling? ZACK: Lack of hemorrhage in the surrounding eye tissue suggests she was already dead before the eyes were removed. BRENNAN: We need to look for something smaller, maybe a surgical instrument. HODGINS: [Joining the group] The concrete used to sink Cugini is composed of class F fly ash instead of Portland cement which is very exciting. ZACK: Not yet. HODGINS: Each concrete company has its own unique mixture, certain building codes have to be met. But after that it's up to each company. [Hands Brennan a file] These people were cutting corners by using fly ash which is much cheaper. Tapford Construction, six years ago it was owned by Carlo Romano. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to interrogation room where Carlo Romano is waiting patiently to be questioned. Booth, Brennan, and Kenton are in the adjoining room looking at him through the two way mirror.] BRENNAN: Romano doesn't seem very worried. BOOTH: That's hubris. BRENNAN: Good word. BOOTH: Thank you. He won't seem so smug after we've talked to him. KENTON: I'm running the names of everyone of his employees from his construction company six years ago, pulling sales invoices. It's going to be a lot of stuff to sort through. BRENNAN: Hodgins is going to try to see if there's any skin or fingernail in the concrete to pull DNA from. It's another remote possibility. [Booths phone rings and he picks it up.] BOOTH: Booth. Yeah. [Sighs angrily and hangs up] Judge order a release of Hollings possessions, there's no grounds to hold him. BRENNAN: How many keys have they made it through? BOOTH: Well the lab had to match key types, serial number, you know cross reference those to the locks, compare the crenulations. BRENNAN: The crenulations. BOOTH: We haven't even been through the first five hundred, Brennan. So I don't think... BRENNAN: There is no lock. Those keys don't open anything. BOOTH: What are you talking about? BRENNAN: The crenulations, the grooves, carved into the bone around the victims eyes, they were irregular like ....like the grooves of a key. [she holds up her key ring.] BOOTH: Brennan, how many keys do you need? BRENNAN: Car, house, lab, morgue, I need a lot of keys. KENTON: [Clearing throat] Grooves? BRENNAN: He must have used a key to gouge out the eyes and he kept it near him in his apartment. That was his souvenir. How much longer can you keep the keys you confiscated? BOOTH: He's on his way to reclaim them right now. BRENNAN: So you have at least a half an hour maybe more? BOOTH: At least. BRENNAN: Ok so tell forensics to forget about matching them to any locks. Have them image each key and send those to Zack so he can find a key that matches the grooves on the bone. That shouldn't take long. BOOTH: Image keys, send them to Zack. Right. KENTON: She's good, huh? BOOTH: Told ya. [Cut to Brennan's apartment. Brennan walks in with Booth behind her.] BRENNAN: Romano didn't give us anything so I should probably be back at the lab. BOOTH: No you're squints can handle it. You haven't slept in over a day, Alright? You need to get some rest. I'll sleep on the couch. BRENNAN: You think you're staying here with me? BOOTH: Yeah. Nice place by the way Brennan. BRENNAN: No, I'm locked in here, Booth. I'll be fine. BOOTH: Okay look I want you to stay away from your windows too, okay? A sniper has a clear shot from any of these surrounding buildings. BRENNAN: I could have just stayed at the lab. The security is tight there. BOOTH: Then you would have worked. You would have gotten tired and you would have been more vulnerable when you did go out. Trust me this is the best, alright? So, where's the TV? BRENNAN: I had one but it broke. I'm...I mostly just read and listen to music. BOOTH: [Smiling] So let's listen to some music. Huh? [Booth walks over to her stereo and begins to look through the CD holders for something to listen to.] BOOTH: Music, what do we got, Bones? Wow! World music. Oh, there's a shock. [Picking up a CD] Tibetan throat singers. Rock on, Brennan. BRENNAN: That's mostly for work so... [Booth moves over to the other CD holder and starts browsing through it.] BOOTH: Kanye West, Cat Power...Oh, oh. Look at this! Man, lots of jazz. Wow! I think all that free-form stuff would be a little bit too unpredictable for you. BRENNAN: No, I love it. The artist has to live within a set tonal structure and trust his own instincts to find his way out of an infinite maze of musical possibilities and the great ones do. [Booth smiles at her] What? BOOTH: Oh nothing, I just...I just never expected that you would, you know. BRENNAN: That I would love music? Well I don't usually get to talk about it but since you brought it up I thought... BOOTH: No, hey. I didn't mean to make you feel self conscious or....[sees a CD lying in front of her stereo] Whoa, what's this? Ha. BRENNAN: What is it? BOOTH: Nice. BRENNAN: Booth. [He plays the CD and it's the song Hot Blooded by Foreigner.] BRENNAN: Uh, how did that get there? BOOTH: Oh please everybody loves Foreigner. [Booth starts to bob his head to the music.] BOOTH: Hot Blooded? Talk about a guilty pleasure. Check it baby. [Booth starts to sing and play air guitar to the music. Brennan stares at him for a minute then smiles. She starts to join him by singing and pretending to play guitar too. After a few minutes Brennan's phone rings and she runs to pick it up. Booth doesn't turn down the music. He just keeps dancing and singing.] BRENNAN: Brennan. David, Hi. I'm fine thanks. Booth, yeah. I'm still under lock down until we solve these crimes. Yes, Foreigner. Okay I'll. Okay sure. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Okay, thanks for calling. Bye. [Brennan hangs up the phone and walks over to Booth. He stops dancing and looks at her for a moment.] BOOTH: Wait, I hope he didn't think. BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: No cause I ...I wouldn't want to uh, you know ruin things for you, or ruin anything. BRENNAN: Not a problem. BOOTH: Hey, you got a soda, juice? BRENNAN: Yeah in my fridge. I'll get it. BOOTH: No, no, no. You know what? I'm... I'm not your guest. You don't have to wait on me. I'll get it. Wait, do you want anything? BRENNAN: That's okay. BRENNAN: Oh, there are uh glasses in the cupboard to the right of the fridge. [Booth grabs the refrigerator with his left hand while reaching over with his right to open the cupboard. As he opens the refrigerator door, there's an explosion which blows Booth backward. He lands on his back unconscious with the refrigerator door covering his lower half. Brennan turns shocked but breaks in to motion right away running to him grabbing a blanket off her couch. When she reaches him, she attempts to put out some small flame and tries to remove the refrigerator door. Cut to Booth sitting up in a hospital bed covered with bruises, his arm in a sling, and a brace supporting his collar bone. Brennan is sitting in a chair next to the bed reading through his medical file] BOOTH: Kenton is on his way over. You have to promise me that you are going to stay with him. BRENNAN: I will. BOOTH: Did they gather all the evidence from the explosion? BRENNAN: Yes. BRENNAN: You're sure? BRENNAN: Yes. Booth, I was there. They were very thorough and I was very annoying. BRENNAN: Sorry, Booth. It's should be me lying in that bed. BOOTH: I'm fine. You know, I...I don't even know if...if I have to stay here. You know? BRENNAN: You got blown up. BOOTH: I've been worse. BRENNAN: You have burns, lacerations, two broken ribs, green stick fracture of the clavicle... BOOTH: Okay, I got blown up. BOOTH: Can you...Can you hand me one of the puddings? [Brennan stands up and grabs one, opens it, then hands it to him.] BOOTH: Oh man. Thanks, Brennan. Look at that. BRENNAN: You know on your x-rays, there's a history of multiple fractures on your feet consistent with beating. It's a common method of torture in the Middle East, beating the soles of the feet with pipes or hoses. BOOTH: Yeah I know. BRENNAN: And there are indications of injuries sustained while you were shielding someone. BOOTH: How the hell can you tell something like that? BRENNAN: The scaring shows that the rib cage spread in such a way that... BOOTH: Yeah, okay. A buddy of mine, he lost his weapon and I uh, I tried. He didn't make it. You know you shouldn't be looking at my x-rays. BRENNAN: Sorry. KENTON: [Standing at the door] Hey. BOOTH: Yeah. KENTON: You look like crap. BOOTH: Yeah well a little bit more of this pudding and I'll be just fine, you know. Stick with her. KENTON: Yeah if you want me to. BRENNAN: Don't you think I should be consulted. BOOTH: [To Brennan] No. [To Kenton] Keep her close. KENTON: Don't worry. [Cut to the Medico Legal Lab. Brennan, Angela, and Zack are looking at a computer screen with Kenton standing behind them.] ZACK: It could have been you. BRENNAN: Yes, Zack. I know ZACK: The only reason he survived is that he was reaching for the glass. BRENNAN: I know. Can we change the subject? ANGELA: Let's talk revenge, bloodlust. BRENNAN: The cathartic release we are looking for can only be achieved when we successfully gather enough evidence to neutralize the person or persons responsible for putting Booth in that hospital. ZACK: Neutralize can mean either kill or arrest. BRENNAN: Yes, it can mean either. KENTON: I don't get it. What exactly are you doing? ANGELA: I'm using a digital enhancement program to fill in the missing markings made by the bullet when it passed through the bone. Impressed? I have so many more tricks. There's no ring, Single or Gay? KENTON: Gay? Why would you say gay? ANGELA: Brokeback baby, gotta ask. KENTON: Not gay. BRENNAN: Angela. ANGELA: We'll talk later. KENTON: So you match a digital replica of the bullet with any recovered bullets the FBI has? BRENNAN: Yes so we can cross reference crime, suspects, weapons. KENTON: Amazing. HODGINS: [Joining the rest] I just finished working with Forensics at the FBI, analyzing the chemical compositional of the explosives. The isotopes and the sulfur are like a fingerprint. It is a perfect match to the sulfur manufactured by the chemical company Hollings works for. [Cut to Hollings apartment] AGENT: FBI! Go, go! Show yourself! Clear! KENTON: He took off. BRENNAN: [Finding a map in a drawer[ He marked the same part of town we found the other victim. KENTON: He's going after someone else. [To Swat Team.] I want all this bagged. AGENT: Right, let's go. BRENNAN: [Phone rings] Brennan. ZACK: We found the key. FBI said Hollings never returned to claim them. It matches the bone damage exactly. BRENNAN: And it's definitely one of Hollings keys? ZACK: Yes, Hodgins tried to retrieve DNA from it but he says it was dipped in some kind of chemical bath to remove anything organic. BRENNAN: Good work. ZACK: Maybe you should come in now, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: I'll be fine, Zack. Any luck with the bullet? KENTON: [Walking up behind Brennan] Do you want to go back to the lab until we get any other news? It will be safer there. BRENNAN: [To Zack] Actually Zack, I'll see you in a few minutes. [Cut to Booth's hospital room] HODGINS: Hey. BOOTH: [Confused] Why are you here? [Panicking] Is Brennan alright? HODGINS: Sure, yeah no. She's with your compadre. I came by to see how you are. BOOTH: Oh. HODGINS: [Beelining for the pudding] Pudding, I still remember this stuff from when I got my appendix out. BOOTH: [Booth slaps his spoon on top of the container] Yeah and that's as good as you remember. The key fit? HODGINS: Yeah and they found a map of the neighborhood where the other body was found and some more keys. BOOTH: Found a map? No we didn't...we didn't catch that before? HODGINS: No, I guess not or maybe your killer is getting sloppy. BOOTH: That's not like him. HODGINS: Well it wasn't like him to use explosives either. People change. It's the wonderful thing about life. Now we can get him before he gets Brennan. [Snatches a pudding] Can I have this one? HODGINS: You okay? BOOTH: Huh? Yeah, yeah. I'm just thinking people don't really change. We like to believe they do but they don't. HODGINS: You're thinking that it's the mob guys we're after. BOOTH: I'm just thinking that things, they don't make sense. HODGINS: You're feeling something a little more devious more like a frame up. Oh I like it, very conspiratorial. BOOTH: Things are just too neat. You know Hollings would never leave a map there. HODGINS: Go with me on this. Mob guys know you're closing in and want to throw you off by making it look like the psycho, and these guys have been involved in conspiracies a lot more complicated then this. They set up Lee Harvey Oswald, worked with the CIA to kill Castro. Forget about what they did to Marilyn Monroe. BOOTH: Someone planted that evidence so that we'd find it. Someone who knew what we were up to. HODGINS: Someone at the lab works for the mob. I can see it. There's not much difference between a corrupt corporate government and organized crime. BOOTH: [Throws the spoon down on the table] You're right. HODGINS: Excuse me? BOOTH: The only way that this could unfold [Takes off the blood pressure cuff] is if someone on the inside was orchestrating things. HODGINS: People never tell me I'm right. They only say I'm crazy. Love you, man. [Booth starts to sit up to get out of bed.] HODGINS: What the hell are you doing? BOOTH: You're driving. HODGINS: Cool. [Cut to Kenton and Brennan driving in Kenton SUV] KENTON: [On cell phone] Yeah? Okay, make sure there is backup. [To Brennan] They spotted someone taking a woman into those old abandoned buildings off Hunter Boulevard. I'll drop you off at the lab. BRENNAN: No, I'm coming. KENTON: Booth said it was pointless to argue. BRENNAN: He is a smart man, Booth. I'll just call Zack.[gets her cell phone] I think I know how to complete the bullet. [dials] Even if we only have one side if we can approximate the spin as it was fired [brings phone up to her ear.] KENTON: [Leveling a gun on Brennan and knocking the phone from her hand] You really are the best. It's too bad... [Cut to Booth and Hodgins in Hodgins Mini Cooper] BOOTH: [Waiting on the phone] Work with the FBI and they put you on hold when you want get information. Kenton was working organized crime at the same time that Cugini was killed. Alright, he was the only one who knew the details of both Investigations so he takes what he knows about Hollings to throw suspicions off himself. HODGINS: [Grimacing as Booth groans when they hit a pot hole] Maybe that nurse was right to be pissed that you were leaving. You don't seem good, Booth. BOOTH: You know if we weren't in a toy car... [To the phone] Yeah. Listen to me Bobby. Just get some units out there now, okay? I want to know about any activity in the abandoned buildings on that map. HODGINS: Brennan is not picking up her cell. BOOTH: Kenton, he never called for backup or surveillance or anything. Geez, how can I be so stupid? Everything pointed to him. HODGINS: Hey, it is not your fault. BOOTH: How could it not be my fault? It was my job to protect her instead I hand her over to him. [Cut to abandoned warehouse. Kenton pushes Brennan in at gun point] KENTON: There are certain crimes you just got to let slide. A death like Cugini's, it's an internal issue, doesn't affect anyone else. BRENNAN: You killed Cugini? KENTON: You don't get rich working for the FBI. When I was undercover the Romano's were very good to me. When you accept their generosity; you have no choice but to do what they ask. BRENNAN: Is that how you live with yourself if you take choice out of the equation. KENTON: It's no different then Booth taking out someone from the other side when he was a sniper in the Gulf. BRENNAN: That was a war. His actions saved lives. [Entering a room, Brennan sees dogs on metal chains along the walls] KENTON: You don't think getting rid of Cugini ended a street war? BRENNAN: So my death will be justified now? KENTON: The Bureau keeps a shell from every weapon it issues. You match that slug it points to my weapon and I go down and the Romano's make sure I don't talk. BRENNAN: Well at least then I'm dying for a good reason. [Brennan elbows Kenton in the stomach causing him to move back. She follows it up with a kick to his hand knocking his gun to the floor. As he comes towards her, she kicks him backwards knocking him to the floor. She tries to run however, he gets up quickly and grabs her from behind. She ducks and swings out of his grip, then kicks him again. She then head butts him, knocking him over top of an old table. Seeing the gun on the floor, Brennan does a shoulder roll, grabbing the gun as she rolls over it. Kenton is behind her as she gets up and he wrestles the gun out of her hands forcing her to the ground. As she kicks him in the knee, he falls again and she wraps her legs throwing him flat on the ground. When he attempts to get back up, she kicks him again then wraps her legs around his neck to choke him. Kenton reaches for the gun and pistol whips Brennan, knocking her out cold. Cut to Booth and Hodgins still in the car] HODGINS: You know maybe you're wrong. I mean Hollings is missing, right? BOOTH: Convenient huh? Kenton planned the lead so that we would find her and go after Hollings who we would never find. HODGINS: Because he is dead? BOOTH: Because he's dead. HODGINS: This conspiracy thing is a lot more intense when you're in the middle of it. BOOTH: [Phone rings] Yeah? Yeah, okay. [To Hodgins] Look an Agent talked to a witness who saw a couple go into a building off of North 23rd. HODGINS: Oh. A building. Oh yeah that's really specific. BOOTH: Well crack heads aren't that detailed oriented. Step on it. [Cut to Kenton and Brennan. Kenton has Brennan bound and gagged with her hands held up by a hook in the middle of thee room] KENTON: They're not going to find Hollings. Uh uh. You know he used to slit their throat like they were cattle. He told me he used the key to unlock the soul behind their eyes. That's one sick b*st*rd the world ain't going to miss. [Cut to Booth and Hodgins outside warehouse. An agent walks up to Booth] AGENT: We used thermal imagery to see what activity there was inside the buildings, found a crack house, a couple of squatters, was about to move in here next. BOOTH: No, no, no. He hears noise; you know he could freak out and kill her. We got to be careful. AGENT: There's no we, Booth. BOOTH: Yeah, I'm going in with you. AGENT: You can barely stand. BOOTH: [Not Joking] I said I'm going with you. Give me my gun. AGENT: [Hands Booth a gun and yells to another Agent] Bring me that vest for Booth. AGENT: [Passing the vest to Booth] Wear this. BOOTH: Yep. Alright, you know what? [Throws it to Hodgins.] You can come too. Alright, put that on and you stay back. HODGINS: I can do that. [Cut to Kenton and Brennan] KENTON: [As he prepares the knife] I'm sorry. I really am. [Cut to Booth and Hodgins. They break open a chain fence doorway and enter in further to the warehouse] HODGINS: [When Booth groans] Maybe you shouldn't have had all that pudding. [Cut to: Kenton and Brennan.] KENTON: [Pulls out his gun to hit Brennan and knock her out] I'm not like him at all. The things I have to do to you, you'll be gone first. You'll never know a thing. I never expected anyone to find out. [Booth enters and takes a shot, hitting Kenton] BOOTH: [Hurrying to Brennan and pulling off the gag] Alright. Okay, Alright. Hold on. [Ducking his head under the hook between her arms, he lifts her off the hook and they both fall to their knees holding onto one another] Oh, it's okay. I'm right here. It's all over. Okay. Shh. I'm right here, alright. It's all over. Shh...alright. BRENNAN: [With her arms still around his neck, she moves back a bit to look at him] How d id you get out of the hospital? BOOTH: [Wincing] Hodgins gave me a ride. Maybe...maybe you could give me a ride back though, huh? [Brennan grabs him and hugs him tightly again] [Cut to Booth's hospital room.] BOOTH: Kenton is telling us everything. I mean I guess he figures there's nothing to hide. He's finished anyway. BRENNAN: Better late then never, huh? BOOTH: Yeah, I guess. You know, I let you down, Brennan. I'm sorry. BRENNAN: You saved my life. BOOTH: Yeah but you know, I shouldn't ...it shouldn't have gone down like that. BRENNAN: What a pair. BRENNAN: [Phone rings] Brennan. Um, I'm leaving right now. [To Booth] David. We're finally having our dinner. BOOTH: [Smiling] Well I figured you didn't dress up for me. BRENNAN: You sure you don't want anything? BOOTH: Nah, I'll be fine. I'm just going to you know, flip around the TV here. BRENNAN: Okay I'll see you tomorrow. BOOTH: Yeah, have a good night. BRENNAN: Thanks. [Booth flips through stations and stop on The Grape of Wrath. He looks down thinking and when he looks back up, Brennan is standing at the foot of his bed] BRENNAN: I rescheduled. My...my head still hurts. BOOTH: Well you can watch TV if you'd like. BRENNAN: Sure. [Sitting back in the chair next to his bed, Brennan leans in toward Booth] BOOTH: Bones, arm. [Brennan sits back up] Thanks. End.
Plan: A: an online date; Q: Who was Brennan about to meet for the first time when she was shot? A: a local restaurant; Q: Where was Brennan going to meet her online date? A: a shooting; Q: What does Brennan barely escape being the target of? A: Booth; Q: Who is the victim of a bomb explosion? A: her attempted killer; Q: Who is Brennan trying to track down? A: two; Q: How many bodies is Brennan investigating? A: a serial killer; Q: Who is the victim of the second body Brennan is investigating? A: all the investigations; Q: What does Brennan insist on continuing after being shot? A: Brennan's refrigerator; Q: Where was the bomb rigged to? A: Agent Kenton; Q: Who protects Brennan after Booth is hospitalized? A: FBI protection; Q: What does Brennan get from Agent Kenton? A: Brennan's life; Q: What must Booth race to save? Summary: When Brennan is about to meet an online date for the first time at a local restaurant, she only barely escapes being the target of a shooting and she and Booth are trying to track down her attempted killer. Was it the man she met online? Or is it someone connected to one of the two bodies she's investigating - the victim of a mob hit and the victim of a serial killer? Brennan is not deterred and insists on continuing all the investigations, while Booth sticks close by her side - until he's the victim of a bomb explosion, rigged to Brennan's refrigerator. With Booth hospitalized, Brennan gets protection from Agent Kenton of the FBI, but FBI protection is not enough and Booth must race to save Brennan's life.
Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The cemetery. The camera pans across it and over to the sidewalk along the border. Willow and Xander are on their way home. Xander has an ice cream cone and takes an occasional lick. Willow: Okay, um... Xander: It's your turn. Willow: I, alright, okay, uh... 'In the few hours that we had together, we loved a lifetime's worth.' Xander: Terminator. Willow: Good! Great. Xander: Um, oh, okay, I got one. (imitating Charlton Heston) 'It's a madhouse! A mad...' Willow: (interrupts) Planet of the Apes. Xander: Can I finish, please? Willow: Oh! Sorry, go ahead. Xander: '...house!' (indicates she may answer) Willow: Planet of the Apes. Okay, good. Me. Uh... Xander: Well? Willow: I'm thinking. 'Use the Force, Luke.' Xander: Do I even have to dignify that with a guess? Willow: I couldn't think of anything. It's a dumb game anyway. Xander: Well, what else do you wanna do? We already played rock, paper, scissors. My hands cramped up. Willow: Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are gonna strain... Xander: (interrupts) Y'know, I just gotta say that this has been the most boring summer ever. Willow: Yeah, but on the plus side no monsters or stuff. She steps over to the wall and hops up to sit on it. Xander: I'm just so restless! I'm actually looking forward to school startin' up again. Willow: Yeah, and that wouldn't have anything to do with a certain girl we both know who is a Vampire Slayer? Xander: Please, I'm so over her. Did she, uh, mention when she might be gettin' back? About which I do not care. Willow: I haven't heard from her. I got a couple postcards when she went to L.A., but then, like, nothing. Xander: Well, she's probably with her dad having a good time. Willow: And you don't care? Xander: Well, okay, there might be some interest. I'm a man. I have certain desires, certain needs... Willow: Uhhh! I don't wanna know. Xander: I got a movie for ya! (taps her nose with his ice cream) Willow: (surprised) Xander! Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy! Willow: Witness. (pouty) My nose is cold. Xander: Let me get that for ya. (leans in to lick off her nose) Willow: Xander! (stops him) Xander: I'm sorry, I can't help myself. Your nose looks so tasty. He reaches up with his napkin and gently wipes off her nose. He takes much longer than he needs to and looks into her eyes. He brushes his hand against her cheek. After another moment he starts to move in for a kiss. She responds in kind and tilts her head. They stop just short of making contact and linger there a moment. Xander finally begins to pull back, and when he does he sees a vampire standing on the other side of the wall. Willow notices his glance and looks, too. She screams and jumps off of the wall as Xander pulls her away from the vampire. Xander: Willow, go! He puts himself between her and the vampire. She doesn't go, but watches as he punches the vampire in the face. The vampire isn't fazed. He grabs Xander and tries to bite. Xander struggles with him to keep from being bitten. After a few moments of wrestling a hand grabs the vampire by the shoulder and pulls him off of Xander. It's a girl, and she punches the vampire in the face, knees him in the crotch and flips him over onto his back. She turns to Willow and Xander. Buffy: Hi, guys! The vampire gets up. Buffy turns her attention back to him and kicks him in the chest, sending him flying into a tree, where he gets impaled on a dead branch and bursts into ashes. She turns back to Willow and Xander. Buffy: Miss me? Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ On the sidewalk. Willow: Buffy! Xander: Hey! (hugs her) Buffy: Hey. Hey, Will! (hugs her) Xander: (hugs Buffy again) Man, your timing really doesn't suck. (laughs) Willow: When'd you get back? Buffy: Uh, just now. Dad drove me down. And I figured you two losers would be getting into some kind of trouble. Willow: I think we had the upper hand. I-in a subtle way. Buffy: Does either of you even have a cross? Very sloppy. Xander: Well, it's been a slow summer. I mean, that's the first vampire we've seen since you killed the Master. Buffy: It's like they knew I was coming back. They start to walk. Xander: So, what about you? How was your summer? Did you slay anything? Buffy: No. Uh, just hung out, partied some, shopping was also a major theme. Xander: Well, you haven't lost your touch. That vampire... Buffy: I did kinda whale on him, didn't I? Xander: (notices) I like your hair. Buffy: (giggles) So, how did you guys fare? Did you have any fun without me? Xander: No. Willow: Yes! Xander: Uh, our summer was kinda yawnworthy. Our biggest excitement was burying the Master. They stop walking. Willow: That's right, you missed it. (points) Right out by that tree. (Buffy looks) Giles buried the bones and we poured holy water and we got to wear robes. Xander: Very intense. You shoulda been. Willow: Have you seen Giles? Buffy: Why would I do that? I'll see him at school. Xander: Man, I'm really glad you're back. Buffy: (looks at the tree again) Me, too. Cut to Buffy's room. Her dad is helping her mom unpack her things. Joyce opens a suitcase and looks through it. Hank: Okay, then. This is the last of it. (puts another suitcase on the bed) Joyce: More clothes? Hank: Oh, do shoes count as clothes? Joyce: How much shopping did you let her do? Hank: Oh, I just thought I was saving you from the big back-to-school clothing nightmare. (unzips the suitcase) Joyce: My nightmares of Buffy in school have nothing to do with clothes. Did she manage to stay out of trouble in L.A.? Hank: She did, yeah. She was, um... you know, great. Joyce: But? Hank: She was just, I don't know, um... distant. Not brooding or sulking, just... there was no connection. The more time we spent together, the more I felt like she was nowhere to be seen. Joyce: Hence the shoes? Hank: (hands her the shoes) I may have overcompensated a little bit. Joyce: Hmm. Hank: It's so strange. You know, at least when she was burning stuff down I knew what to say. Joyce: Well, welcome to my world. I haven't been able to get through to her for so long. I'll just be happy if she makes it through the school year. Cut to Sunnydale High. Cordelia: It was a nightmare, a total nightmare. Cut to her and two friends coming down some stairs and walking across the quad. Cordelia: I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. (exhales) Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character? Snyder: The first day back. It always gets me. Giles: Yes. Cut to the two of them walking along the colonnade. Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist. They stop. Snyder looks around, observing the students. Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school's principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation? Snyder: Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs. (takes two steps away from Giles) Every time a pretty girl walks by every boy turns into a gibbering fool. Giles spots Jenny coming towards them. Giles: Ms. Calendar! Jenny: Mr. Giles! Giles: Well, I, uh, um... Hello! Snyder: You see the way these kids gaze at each other... all moony. Jenny: It's good to see you. Giles: Yes. Snyder: You think they're thinking about learning? Giles: Uh, were you headed to the, uh, faculty room? Jenny: Sounds like fun! They head off to the faculty room leaving Snyder behind. Snyder: I try and tell 'em about the important things in life. Discipline, responsibility, punctuality. Might as well be talking to myself. Cut inside to the halls. They walk through the student lounge. Giles: How was your summer? Jenny: Extreme. I did Burning Man in Black Rock, ohhh, such a great festival, you should've been there. They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures, raves, naked mud dances, you would've just... hated it with a fiery passion! Giles: I can't imagine finding any redeeming, uh... (stops at the base of the stairs) Naked? Jenny: Hmm. And you probably spent all summer with your nose in a book. Giles: Yes. I suppose you'd consider that frightfully dull. Jenny: Depends on the book. (smiles) Willow and Xander come down the stairs. Buffy is not far behind them. Willow: Giles! Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up? Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that. Jenny: Hi, kids. Willow: Hi! Buffy arrives now, too. Giles: (to Buffy) How are you? Buffy: Live and kicking. Willow: Buffy killed a vampire last night. They all look around to see if anyone overheard. Buffy: Uh, I think you can get a little more volume if you speak from the diaphragm. Willow: Sorry. Jenny: (quietly) We've got vampires? I thought the Hellmouth was closed. Giles: Well, it's, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area. Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town. Giles: I wonder if they're here for any purpose, particularly. Buffy: You're the Watcher. I just work here. Giles: Yes, I-I must consult my books. Xander: Oh, eight minutes and thirty-three seconds, pay up. (Willow hands him a dollar) I called ten minutes before you'd consult your books about something. (to Willow) Thanks. The bell rings. Willow: We better get to class. They all start making their way to their classes. Giles: Oh, uh, Buffy! (she looks back) Uh, I realize you've only just returned, but when you're ready I-I think we should start your training again. Buffy: I'm ready. I'll see you after school. (starts to go again) Giles: Well, I-I-I understand if, if you want a few days to... Buffy: I'm ready. (leaves) Cut to the library after school. Buffy does tumbling and kicking exercises that take her all around the library. Then they continue training with the quarterstaff. Buffy swings it at Giles' hand pads. He retreats as she hits. He ducks a swing but she continues around with the quarterstaff and knocks him back into the chairs by the table. Next she practices her punches on the wooden punching dummy. She has a flash of the Master and begins to go crazy on it, throwing continuous rapid punches. Giles: Buffy, that's enough. She keeps whaling on the dummy. Giles: Buffy! She kicks it, and it breaks. Giles: Uh, safe to say you've stayed in shape. Buffy: (breathing hard) I'm ready. Whatever they've got coming next, I'm ready. (bunches her hair above her head) Yeah. Cut to an old brick warehouse. Cut inside. Absalom: We have been put down, kinsmen. We have lost our way. We have lost the night. But despair is for the living. Where they are weak, we will be strong. Where they weep, we rejoice. Where they bleed, (laughs) we drink! Within three days a New Hope will arise. We will put our faith in him. (looks over at Collin) He will show us the way. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The student lounge. Buffy is upstairs on a couch, off in her own world. Willow and Xander come up the stairs to her. Xander: Buffy! (no response) Buffy! Buffy: (back on earth) Fine! I'm fine. Xander: Good! It's good that you're fine. Willow sits on the couch opposite Buffy. Xander steps past Buffy and sits on the couch next to her. Willow: What were you thinking about? (gets out an apple) Buffy: Nothing. Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom! He gets a power bar out of his bag. Willow: Xander. Xander winces at his power bar. Willow frowns at her apple. They toss them to each other over the table. Buffy: I wasn't thinking anything, really. Willow: What'd you do last night? Buffy: Mm. Slept. I had weird dreams. Xander: Dreams are meaningful. Willow: Tsh! Tell me about it. The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, I-it wasn't Xander. I-in fact it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it. Buffy: I bet she doesn't. Giles: (finds them) Buffy! Buffy: Giles! (gets up) What is it? You look worried. Giles: This vampire activity, I think I know what they're up to. Buffy: Well, we'll deal with it. Giles: I hope it's that simple. Buffy: It is not to worry. Trust me. Giles: Oh, I don't know. I mean, (chuckles) I've killed you once, it shouldn't be too difficult to do it again. Buffy: What? Giles takes a hard backhand swing at her face, knocking her down onto the table between the two couches. He gets on top of her and begins to choke her. Xander and Willow just sit on the couches and chew away at their food. Willow smiles at Xander. Buffy reaches up to Giles' face and tries to push him off. She claws at him, and suddenly pulls off a mask, revealing the Master underneath. Buffy stares up at him in wide-eyed terror. Cut to Buffy's bedroom. She wakes from her nightmare with a start. She looks around and over at her open window. She sits up and rubs her face. When she looks back at her window again Angel is there, leaning against the sill. Buffy: Hello. Angel: Mind if I come in? Buffy: Be my guest. Angel: How are you? Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour? Angel: It's not a social call. Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home. Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news. Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu! Angel: The Anointed One. He's been gathering forces somewhere in town. I'm not sure why. Buffy: Guess I'll find out soon enough, huh? Angel: You don't sound too concerned. Buffy: I can handle myself. Besides, I could use a little action anyway. Angel: Don't underestimate the Anointed One just because he looks like a child. He has power over the rest of them. They'll do anything for him. Buffy: Is that it? Is that everything? Y'know, 'cause you woke me up from a really good dream. She turns away from him and lies back down. Angel: Sorry. I'll go. (turns around to go, but pauses) I missed you. Buffy: (turns to the window) I missed you? Angel is already gone. "It Doesn't Matter", by Alison Krauss, plays in the background. Lyrics: It doesn't matter what I want / It doesn't matter what I need Cut to Joyce's Jeep the next morning on the way to school. Lyrics: It doesn't matter if I cry Joyce: How are your new classes? Buffy: Good. Lyrics: Don't matter if I bleed Joyce: Good. Is there the slightest chance that if I asked you what was wrong you would tell me? Lyrics: You've been on a road Buffy looks over at her mother. Joyce: Course not. It would take all the fun out of guessing. Lyrics: Don't know where it goes or where it leads Cut to the halls at Buffy's locker. Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing? Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing. Xander: (to Willow) Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. (to Buffy) It wasn't about groping? Buffy: Okay, hormones on parade here? It was pure shoptalk. Remember vampires, pointy teeth, they walk by night, am I ringing a bell? Willow: What did he say? Buffy: Oh, something's up. (closes her locker) Nothing I can't handle. They begin to walk down the hall to class. Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight? Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing? Xander: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing. Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance? (gets a look from Xander) Oh, sarcasm, right. Xander: We should attend, no? Cordelia comes out of class and engages them in the hall. Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers. They look at each other, not sure what to make of that. Buffy: (to Xander) Was that an insult? Xander: Kinda lacked punch. Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool. Cordelia: I see your point. Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges. Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer? Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons. Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift! Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also. Cordelia: What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires. Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. Xander: No. (takes Cordelia aside) It's, see, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people, Buffy being the Slayer and all. Willow: You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you? Cordelia: Are you nuts? Do you think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy? And all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. (to Buffy) So your secret's safe with me. Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron. (leaves) Xander: Now, that was a good insult. Willow: A little too good. Cordelia: What's up with her? Cut to the Bronze that night. People are gathering and going in. Cut inside. Cibo Matto is on stage playing "Spoon". Lyrics: Don't, don't want the boys Cut to Willow and Xander sitting at a table. She has a cup of ice cream. Willow: I just think something's up is all. Lyrics: Don't, don't note the heat Xander: Willow, you're paranoid. Willow: Buffy's never acted like this before. Ever since she got back she's... different. Lyrics: Can't find a spoon... Xander: Buffy's always been different. Willow: She's never been mean. Lyrics: ...that we have had Xander: (exhales) Any sign of her? She said she was coming. Lyrics: The sugar cubes... Willow: No. The band's cool, though. Xander: Yeah, cool. Lyrics: ...can melt our mouth / We belong, yes, to-to-together Willow dips her nose into her ice cream and smiles, trying to get Xander's attention. Lyrics: We belong, yes, to-to-together / We belong, yes, to-to-together Xander: (looks at her) You got somethin' on your nose. Lyrics: We belong, yes, to-to-together / We belong, yes, to-to-together The smile disappears from Willow's face, and she wipes the ice cream off with her napkin. Lyrics: We belong, yes, to-to-together Cut to the cemetery. Dissolve to the tree where the Master is buried. Four crosses mark his grave. A shovel stabs into the dirt and starts to dig. Another one joins in. The camera pans around to Absalom, Collin and two others watching the first two vampires dig. Absalom: (to the other two) Don't just stand there. Dig! We have to hurry. The other two get on their knees and begin to dig. The ground burns their hands. Vampire: The ground is consecrated! It burns! Collin: Dig. The two vampires continue digging by hand. The grave is shallow, and they soon unearth the Master's skull. Cut to the Bronze. The band starts their next number, "Sugar Water". Lyrics: The velocity of time... turns her voice into... sugar water Buffy walks into the Bronze. Angel sees her come in and goes over to her. Buffy: Hi. Angel: Hi. Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware? Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like. Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from. Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us? Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living. She heads over to Willow and Xander's table. Cordelia watches her go by, and wonders about her attitude. Lyrics: I'm on a concrete way / The wind is blowing... Buffy: Hey! Willow: Hi. Xander: Hey. Lyrics: ...to the north-northwest Willow: What's wrong with Angel? Buffy: Beats me. Lyrics: It smells like sands of the southern island Buffy: (to Xander) Let's dance. (pulls at his shirt) Xander: Ooo-kay. (is pulled by his shirt to the dance floor) Lyrics: When a black cat crosses my path Buffy and Xander begin to slow dance. Her movements are very sensual. Lyrics: A woman in the moon is singing to the earth / A woman in the moon is singing to the earth / La la la, la la la la la la / La la la, la la la la la la Buffy turns around and spoons in against Xander, pulling his arms around her waist. She grinds her hips and shoulders against him. Lyrics: La la la, la la la la la la / La la la, la la la la la la She reaches up with her hand and strokes his face. Angel looks on jealously. Willow watches in disbelief. Buffy continues her grinding. Lyrics: I'm riding on a camel that has big eyes / The buildings are changing into coconut trees / Little by little Buffy turns to Xander and tilts her head up to his, close enough to kiss. Buffy: Xander? Did I ever thank you... for saving my life? Lyrics: When a black cat... Xander: No. Lyrics: ...crosses my path Buffy slowly slithers around him, making sure not to lose contact with his body. Lyrics: A woman in the moon is singing to the earth Buffy: Don't you wish I would? She breaks off, leaving him standing there. Xander isn't sure what to make of it all, but he knows he doesn't like it. Lyrics: A woman in the moon is singing to the earth Buffy goes back to their table and retrieves her jacket. Lyrics: La la la, la la la la la la She walks past Cordelia as she makes her way out of the Bronze. Angel follows her with his stare. Lyrics: La la la, la la la la la la Xander is still standing on the dance floor, upset and unsure how to react. Cut outside. Buffy exits the Bronze and walks down the alley at a quick pace. Cordelia follows her out. Cordelia: Buffy. (Buffy stops) You're really campaigning for bitch-of- the-year, aren't you? Buffy: (turns to face her) As defending champion, you nervous? Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor. Buffy: And this great favor is... Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it. Buffy: Excuse me? Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now. Buffy: I think it's about time you start minding your own business. Cordelia: It's long past. Buffy: (turns and goes) Nighty-night. (flips up her hood) Cordelia: I'll just see if Angel feels like dancing. She is suddenly grabbed by two vampires coming out of the shadows and dragged into an adjacent building. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ A basement. The two vampires force Cordelia down the stairs. At the bottom they shove her into the room. She's frightened and looks around. She takes a step sideways and bumps into a hand. She looks down and sees that it's Jenny. She crouches down to see if she's okay, but Jenny is unconscious. Cordelia: Ms., Ms. Calendar? Oh, God, Ms. Calendar? Cut to the cemetery. Buffy is going to check out the Master's grave. When she gets there she finds it dug open and his bones exhumed. She steps back slowly, and thinks she sees the Master out of the corner of her eye. She quickly turns to look, but no one's there. Willow: She's possessed! Cut to the student lounge. Giles is getting a soda from the vending machine. Giles: Possessed? Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy. Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? (gets looks from the others and concedes) She's possessed. Giles: Possessed by what? Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing! Giles: (sarcastically) Well, that narrows it down. He takes a sip of his soda and winces at its sweetness. Xander: Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened. Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: A bitca? Giles: (not surprised by Xander's misunderstanding) Yes. I suggest that, uh, the explanation for her behavior may be something more, more mundane. The bell rings and the students around them begin to leave for class. Giles: (sits) She may simply have what you Americans refer to as issues. Uh, her experience with the Master must have been extremely traumatic. Well, she was, for at least a few minutes, technically dead. (Buffy appears in the door) I-I don't think she's dealt with that on a conscious level. (Xander notices Buffy) She's convinced herself that she's invulnerable... for the very reason that she feels... Xander: (interrupts) That's a very interesting point about trout, you just brought up now. Buffy walks up to them. Giles: Trout? (notices Buffy) Trout! Yes, trout, i-is a fish. Good morning. Did you sleep well? Buffy: Like a rock. Master's gone. Giles: I'm sorry? Buffy: The Master. I went by his grave last night, and they have a vacancy. Giles: Good God! Willow: What would somebody want with Master bones? Xander: A trophy, a horrible conversation piece? Buffy: They're gonna bring him back. They're gonna bring the Master back to life, and I seem to recall you telling me he was history. Giles: Buffy, I-I-I've never heard of a-a revivification ritual being successful. Buffy: But you've heard of them? Thanks for the warning. Willow: Well, Buffy, Giles did bury him and... Buffy: Look, this is Slayer stuff, okay? Could we have just a little less from the civilians, please? Xander: Okay, that's just about enough! Buffy shoots Xander a look. Snyder: (interrupts) I believe some of us have class? And some of us have jobs. Giles: Y-yes, well, I'll, uh, I'll see you all, uh, in the library later. We'll, we'll continue this discussion. Willow: About trout. The kids leave. Snyder watches them go. Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five. Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell trouble. I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail. Giles: Well, before you throw away the key, you might consider giving her the benefit of the doubt. She may surprise you. Snyder: You really have faith in those kids, don't you? Giles: Yes, I do. Snyder: Weird. Cut to the library after school. Giles: Alright, alright, I-I-I've got something. It's Latin, so bear with me. Uh, to revive the vampire they need his bones, uh... w-which they have, and, um, the blood... this is very unclear, of the closest person... uh, someone connected to the vampire. Buffy: That'd be me. Giles: Perhaps. Buffy: We were close. We killed each other. It really promotes togetherness. Xander: Well, is there anything on when the ceremony might take... A rock comes crashing through a window. Xander: Whoa! Buffy catches the rock in her hands. It has a note wrapped around it and kept in place with a bracelet. Buffy: This is Cordelia's. (takes off the note) 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.' Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? (gets looks from everyone) I'll pretend I didn't say that. Willow: What do we do? Buffy: (exhales) I go to the Bronze and save the day. (starts to go) Xander: I don't like this. Giles: Nor I! Buffy: (turns back) Yeah? Well, you guys aren't going. Willow: What do you mean? Buffy: I can't do it anymore. I can't look after the three of you guys while I'm fighting. Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note? Buffy: What rest of the note? Willow: The part that says, 'P.S. This is a trap'? Giles: You'll be playing straight into their hands. (takes off his glasses) Buffy: I can handle this. Willow: Stop saying that! God, what's wrong with you? Xander: Cordelia may be dead. Buffy: This is my fight. She leaves and grabs her coat and bag on the way out. Willow just watches her go. Xander shakes his head. Giles puts his glasses back on. Cut to the alley outside the Bronze. Buffy senses Angel as she nears the entrance. Buffy: Y'know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls. Angel: (behind her) You need help. Someone to watch your back. Buffy: Sure you don't mean my neck? Angel: (comes around her) Why are you ridin' me? Buffy: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. (gets a look) Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'? Angel: You have to trust someone. You can't do this alone. Buffy: I trust me. Angel: You're not as strong as you think. Buffy: (gives him a challenging look) You think you can take me? Angel: What? Buffy: Oh, c'mon! I mean, you must've thought about it. What would happen if it ever came down to a fight, you vampire, me the Slayer, I mean, you must've wondered! Well, why don't we find out? Angel: I'm not gonna fight you. Buffy: Come on! Kick my ass! Angel: Don't you have somewhere to be? Buffy: I do. Angel: Well, you're wasting time. Buffy: Just stay out of my way. (walks around him to the entrance) Angel: Happy to oblige. Cut inside. Buffy comes in and looks around as she slowly walks through an empty Bronze. She comes upon a girl crying in a corner. She stops. Angel appears behind her. Buffy: That's not Cordelia. The vampire laughs and turns around. Vampire: Cordelia couldn't make it. Buffy: Where is she? Vampire: I'm not supposed to tell. Angel: I don't like this. Buffy: Don't like what? Angel: There's the bait. Where's the hook? The vampire attacks, and Buffy flips her over onto her back on the floor and pins her down with her foot. Buffy: You're right. Why would they send just one? Cut to the library. Giles is continuing his research. Willow: I still think we should've gone with her. Xander: Buffy's about to lose it. I think we should be trying to reach minimum safe distance. Willow: Xander, you know it's a trap! Giles: Ah! Ah, ah, ah! Uh, uh, the Latin is, is translated from the Sumerian, a-a-and rather badly. Closest to the Master actually translates as 'nearest'. Physically. The, the, the person or persons who were with him... when he... (looks up) It is a trap. Several vampires appear on the mezzanine level above. Giles: It just isn't for her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. Buffy binds the vampire's wrists Buffy: Watch her. Don't kill her unless you have to. (shoves her over to Angel) Angel: Buffy! What's goin' on? Buffy: I'll be back. Cut to the library. Buffy comes rushing in, and stops short when she sees that the place is a shambles. The camera pans through the room to the center table, which has been tipped over onto its side. Behind it Xander regains consciousness and gets up, using the table for support. Buffy: Xander! She rushes over to him to help, but he shakes her off. Buffy: What happened? Xander: (out of breath) Vampires. The ones you could handle yourself. Buffy: Where are the others? Xander: I don't know. (angry) I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you'd worked with us for five seconds, you coulda stopped this. Buffy: (turns away) We, we just have to think. Where would they have taken them? Xander: (vehemently) If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you. She turns back to him and looks at him seriously. Buffy: Why did they take them and not you? Xander: Giles said the ritual was, um... They needed people who were close to the Master. Physically close. When he, uh... Buffy: The ones who were with the Master when he died. Xander: Giles, Willow, Cordelia... Buffy: Ms. Calendar. Xander: Odds are they've got a complete set by now. Buffy: We need to find out where. Xander: How? Cut to the Bronze. Buffy is interrogating the female vampire. She throws her down onto the floor. Buffy: One more time: where are they? Vampire: You're too late. Your friends are dead. Buffy: (lifts her back up) Tell me where they are! Vampire: (laughs) What are you gonna do? Kill me? Buffy: As a matter of fact... She throws the vampire onto a pool table. Buffy: ...yes. (yanks off her necklace) But since I'm not gonna kill you any time soon, the question becomes... She drops the cross into the vampire's mouth and covers it with her hands. Buffy: ...how are we gonna pass the time till then? The cross burns in the vampire's mouth, and she shakes her head. After several seconds Buffy pulls the cross back out. Buffy: So. One more time. Cut to the warehouse. Cut inside. Collin carries a black case past the Master's skeleton, which has been laid out on a table. Absalom takes it from him. Absalom: Begin. Another vampire starts pulling on a chain, and Willow, Giles, Cordelia and Jenny are moved along an overhead conveyor to hang upside down and unconscious above the Master's bones. Absalom: Behold, these four mortals. Buffy comes into the warehouse through a side door. Angel and Xander follow her in. Absalom: Witnesses to our Master's wretched demise. They will breathe their last this night. The blood that pours from their throats will bring NEW LIFE to the old one. We gather for his resurrection. For the dawn of this new hell. Buffy looks up at the four of them hanging upside down. Xander: (in a low voice) Buffy! Buffy! (she faces him) We gotta do something now! Buffy: You two get the others out of here. Angel: We need you to distract the vampires. Buffy: Right. Xander: What are you gonna do? Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. (turns to her task) That oughta distract them. Cut to Absalom, holding a Kuhkri, a long, curved knife. Absalom: For the old one. For his pain. For the dark. Vampires: For the dark! Absalom kisses the blade. Cut to one of the vampires. A stake is suddenly thrust through him from behind, and he instantly turns into ashes. Buffy stands there now in a fighting stance. Absalom looks at her in disbelief and then roars. Three vampires begin fighting her. She easily keeps them at bay. Angel and Xander seize the opportunity to climb the ladder to the platform above to get the others off of the conveyor. Buffy continues to fight the vampires below. Absalom takes Collin and ushers him out of the warehouse. He comes back in and sees Angel and Xander pulling on the chain, bringing the others back over to the platform. Absalom: The sacrifices! Stop them! A vampire responds to Absalom's command and runs to the ladder to the platform. Buffy continues to fight below as Angel and Xander keep pulling on the chain. Absalom looks around and then rushes out of the warehouse. Buffy keeps fighting. She does a flip over some wooden boxes, grabs one on the way and smashes it onto a vampire's head. She kicks the vampire in the face, knocking him down and breaking a few pieces of wood off of the box. She gets tackled by another vampire. On the platform above Giles, Jenny and Cordelia are already off of the conveyor. Angel and Xander lift Willow off as well. Giles rolls on the floor in semi- consciousness. They lay Willow down and tend to them all. A vampire finally makes it up to the platform and growls. Angel looks at him with his game face on and growls back. The vampire attacks, and Angel rushes to meet him. They fight. Below one of them is on top of Buffy. She reaches up with a broken piece of wood and jams it into the vampire's back, and gets ash all over herself. The vampire she knocked down before with the box gets up and rushes to attack her. Above, Angel and his opponent fall through a poorly covered hole in the platform. Jenny is awake now and crawls over to Giles, who is also awake now and trying to sit up. Giles: Are you alright? Jenny: Yeah, I'm okay. Giles: Where's Buffy? Xander is at the edge of the platform holding a still unconscious Willow with his arm and watching the fight below. Xander: Uh, she's working out her issues. Buffy is still fighting a vampire below. Underneath the platform Angel's attacker tries to jam a piece of wood into his chest, but Angel stops him and jams it into his instead. Buffy kicks the vampire she's fighting into a storage rack, and he goes down with it. Absalom shows up again in the doorway with a large sledgehammer. Absalom: ENOUGH! Buffy turns to look at him. The other vampire gets back up. Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a *sticky* paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face. Buffy: So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk? Absalom raises the sledgehammer in indignation and yells as he begins his attack. The other vampire rushes at her from the other side. Buffy calmly looks at the tall wooden torch post in front of her, breaks it off and turns it a few times in her hands. The vampire impales himself on the broken end and crumbles into ash. Absalom runs into the burning end and is set ablaze. He backs up and screams as the flames spread over him. He makes a last desperate attempt to get Buffy and raises the sledgehammer over his head, but is too late as the flames engulf him and instantly burn him up. The sledgehammer falls to the floor with a loud clang. Buffy drops the post and looks over at the Master's skeleton. Cut to the platform above. Willow is awake now. Willow: It's over. Xander: No, it's not. Cut below. Buffy bends down and picks up the sledgehammer. She slowly walks over to the Master's skeleton and looks at it a moment. Then she swings the hammer back behind her and arcs it directly into the Master's skull, shattering it to pieces. She keeps whaling on the Master's skeleton as Willow, Xander and Giles look down from above. Angel comes up behind her and watches her continue until there's nothing left on the table. She stops and bursts into tears, dropping the sledgehammer to the floor. Angel: It's okay. It's okay. Buffy turns around and leans into him, crying into his shoulder. Angel gently holds on to her as she cries. Xander, Willow and Giles continue to watch from above. Willow briefly looks up at Xander. Cut to the school the next day. Jenny and Cordelia walk across the quad. Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? Jenny: What? Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains. Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains. Cordelia: I hear ya! Giles and Buffy come walking the other way on the other side of the quad. Buffy: I don't think I can face them. Giles: Hmm? Of course, you can. Buffy: I can't! What am I supposed say? 'Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?' Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless. Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school. Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life? Buffy: Would it have cable? Giles: Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admit that. But believe me, that was hardly the, the worst mistake you'll ever make. Uh, that wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be. Buffy: Well, points for effort. (the bell rings) See ya. Cut to class. Buffy comes in, sees Willow and Xander and stops. Willow sees her come in. Xander, facing Willow, notices her look up and looks over, too, but goes back to what he's doing on Willow's desk. Buffy walks over to an empty desk next to Willow. Willow: Hey, Buffy. Buffy: Hey. Willow: We saved you a seat. Buffy looks at them both and sits down. Xander: There's a rumor going around that, uh, Mr. Cox is the most boring teacher in the entire world. Like, I think he won a belt or something. Buffy: Like, yes. Willow: Well, I hear he nods off a lot. So that's a plus. Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight? Willow: Wednesday, it's kinda beat. Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night. The two of them give Buffy big smiles. She smiles back. Xander: Hey, I got a plan: how 'bout miniature golf. Willow: There's no course here. Xander: Okay, uh, miniature tennis! A very tiny form of tennis that we could invent... They make small talk until class begins. The camera slowly pans around them. Cut to the warehouse. Collin surveys the damage Buffy has wrought. He looks all around him at the pieces of bone strewn all over the place. Collin: I hate that girl.
Plan: A: the Master; Q: Who kills Buffy in a vision? A: undead; Q: What is the Master's state? A: The Anointed One; Q: Who plans to resurrect the slain Master? A: his exhumed skeleton; Q: What does the Anointed One plan to use to resurrect the slain Master? A: kidnapped Scooby Gang members; Q: Who is the Anointed One planning to sacrifice to resurrect the Master? A: blood sacrifices; Q: What is the Scooby Gang used for in the ritual? A: her friends; Q: Who does Buffy rescue? Summary: Buffy suffers a vision in which the Master , undead, kills her once again. The Anointed One plans to resurrect the slain Master in a ritual using his exhumed skeleton, with kidnapped Scooby Gang members as blood sacrifices. Buffy rescues her friends, then deals with her residual fear and anger by obliterating the Master entirely.
-[Real World]- (Henry is watching the clock tower, when it suddenly moves. The next day, Mary Margaret, while eating breakfast, notices that the clock is working again. Emma looks out the window in her room at the inn. Archie is walking his dog, Mr. Gold walks past, and Ruby is putting out the sign for Granny's Diner. Regina is reading Henry's book and notices that the end pages are torn out.) Regina: The missing pages - where are they? Henry: It's an old book. Stuff's missing. Why do you care? Regina: I care because you think I'm some evil queen. And that hurts me, Henry. I'm your mother. Henry: No, you're not. Regina: Well, then who is? That woman you brought here? I don't like what she and this book are doing to you. Thankfully, both are no longer an issue. What? (The clock chimes, causing Regina to look up. Henry leaves while she's distracted.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina heads to the town square. Archie is out walking his dog.) Archie: Hey, how about that? Guess those rusty ol' innards finally straightened themselves out, huh? (Regina sees Emma's car parked on the side of the road.) Regina: Yes, how about that, indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina knocks on the door of Emma's room. She has a basket of apples.) Regina: Did you know the Honeycrisp tree is the most vigorous and hearty of all apple trees? It can survive temperatures as low as forty below and keep growing. It can weather any storm. I have one that I've tended to since I was a little girl. And to this day, I have yet to taste anything more delicious than the fruit it offers. (Regina hands Emma an apple.) Emma: Thanks. Regina: I'm sure you'll enjoy them on your drive home. Emma: Actually, I'm going to stay for a while. Regina: I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Henry has enough issues. He doesn't need you confusing him. Emma: All due respect, Madam Mayor, the fact that you have now threatened me twice in the last twelve hours makes me want to stay more. Regina: Since when were apples a threat? Emma: I can read between the lines. Sorry. I just want to make sure Henry's okay. Regina: He's fine, dear. Any problems he has are being taken care of. Emma: What does that mean? Regina: It means I have him in therapy. It's all under control. Take my advice, Miss Swan. Only one of us knows what's best for Henry. Emma: Yeah, I'm starting to think you're right about that. Regina: It's time for you to go. Emma: Or what? Regina: Don't underestimate me, Miss Swan. You have no idea what I'm capable of. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen is at Snow White and Prince Charming's wedding. It is the same scene from episode 1×01.) Evil Queen: I shall destroy your happiness, if it is the last thing I do. (The Evil Queen turns around and heads for the door. The prince calls after her.) Prince Charming: Hey! (The Queen turns around. The prince throws his sword at her, but she dissipates before it hits her. The Evil Queen appears in another castle. The prince's sword also appears and sticks into a wall. There is a man at the castle holding a tray with drinks on it.) Henry I: Would you like something to drink? Evil Queen: Do I look like I need a drink? Henry I: I was only trying to help. (He hands the Evil Queen a glass.) Evil Queen: Thank you. (The mirror on the wall behind them speaks.) Mirror: Now, that was an awfully big threat. Destroy everyone's happiness? How do you plan on accomplishing that? Evil Queen: The dark curse. Henry I: Are you sure, Your Majesty? Mirror: But you said you'd never use it. Henry I: You made a deal when you gave away that curse. Mirror: You traded it away. Henry I: She won't be happy to see you. Evil Queen: Since when do I care about anyone else's happiness but mine? Prepare the carriage. We're going to the forbidden fortress. [SCENE_BREAK] (A castle is shown in mountains. The Evil Queen and Maleficent sit by a fire.) Maleficent: How are you, dear? Evil Queen: I'm doing fine. Maleficent: Are you? If it were me, I'd be simply tortured watching that flake of Snow so happy. Weren't you about the same age when you were to be married? Before she ruined it all. Yes, you were. Evil Queen: Yes, it was about the same age you were when that Sleeping Beauty got the best of you, my dear Maleficent. Maleficent: I soldiered on, as you will too. Hopefully. Evil Queen: Enough games. You know why I'm here. I need my curse back. Maleficent: It's not yours anymore. A deal's a deal. I traded you my sleeping curse. Evil Queen: Which failed. Undone by a simple kiss. Now please, return what's mine. Maleficent: The dark curse? Really? You must know that not even its unholy power can bring your loved one back from the dead. Have you considered a pet? They can be quite comforting. Evil Queen: The only comfort for me is Snow White's suffering. Maleficent: Well, it's her wedding night. I doubt she's suffering right now. Evil Queen: I need that curse. I know you keep it hidden in the orb above your staff. Maleficent: Hidden for the good of all, old friend. Whoever created that monstrosity, makes the two of us look positively...moral. Who did give it to you? Evil Queen: Where I got it's none of your concern. Hand it back. Maleficent: Must we do this? Evil Queen: Alas, we must. (The Evil Queen uses her magic to control the fire in the fireplace. She aims it at Maleficent, but she deflects it. The Evil Queen then summons multiple weapons in the room and aims it at Maleficent's pet unicorn.) Maleficent: No! (Maleficent jumps in front of her pet and, again, deflects the Queen's attack. While distracted, the Evil Queen causes the chandelier to fall on top of Maleficent, and she is trapped. The Evil Queen takes Maleficent's staff.) Evil Queen: Love is weakness, Maleficent. I thought you knew that? Maleficent: If you're going to kill me, kill me! Evil Queen: Why would I do that? You're my only friend. (The Evil Queen shatters the orb on the staff and takes the curse scroll.) Maleficent: Don't do this. This...curse. There are lines even we shouldn't cross. All power comes with a price. Enacting it will take a terrible toll. It will leave an emptiness inside you. A void you will never be able to fill. Evil Queen: So be it. [SCENE_BREAK] (The Evil Queen, along with multiple other characters, stands at the end of a forest around a fire. Various things are being thrown into the fire.) Evil Queen: Who among us is tired of losing? That's why I called you here. To put an end to our misery. Today, we claim victory and move to a new, better realm. A place where we can finally win. Blind Witch: And we'll be happy? Evil Queen: I guarantee it. But first, I need something from you. A lock of hair from those with the darkest souls. You must trust me. Because if you don't, there are other ways. (The trees around them start to grow taller until the group is completely surrounded. The people in the group relent, and each give a lock of their hair.) Evil Queen: A wise decision. All that remains is the final ingredient. The prized heart from my childhood steed. The glorious beast whose passing will fuel our victory. Let my wrath be unleashed. (The heart is removed from a box and thrown into the fire. A large pillar of smoke appears briefly, but then suddenly disappears. Laughter is then heard in the background.) Gnome: Yeah, you really unleashed something, there. (The Evil Queen turns the Gnome to stone.) -[Real World]- (The gnome from the Fairy Tale World is now a gnome in Regina's garden. She is picking apples. A man holding a newspaper walks up behind her. Emma is on the front page.) Sidney: The Mirror strikes again! Regina: You're late. Sidney: Sorry. I wanted to bring you the latest edition. I assure you it's one of my better hatchet jobs. Regina: That's not what I asked for. What'd you find out about her? Sidney: Well, the truth be told, there wasn't much. She spent a lot of time in foster homes. Sh-she got into some trouble when she was a kid, ah, but the details are locked up pretty tight. Since then, she's clean. Bounced around all over. The only thing I really learned was that she doesn't like to sit still. Regina: Well, that appears to have changed. Sidney: D-did you know that, um, she had Henry while she was in Phoenix? Huh, how'd he wind up here in Maine? Regina: So, if I'm understanding you correctly, you found nothing of value. Which means you have no value, Sidney. Do you know what I do with things that hold no value to me? I throw them away. Sidney: I-I'll keep looking. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is at Granny's Dinner. She is reading the newspaper and eating the apple that Regina gave her. Ruby serves her a cocoa.) Ruby: Here you go. Emma: Thank you. But I did not order that. Ruby: Yeah, I know. You have an admirer. (Emma sees Graham at another table. She walks over and puts the cocoa in front of him.) Graham: Ah, so you decided to stay. Emma: Observant. Important for a cop. Graham: It's good news for our tourist business, it's bad for our local signage. It's... It's a joke. It's because you ran over our sign. Emma: Look, the cocoa was a nice gesture, and I am impressed that you guessed that I like cinnamon on my chocolate because most people don't, but I am not here to flirt. So thank you, but no thank you. Graham: I didn't send it. (Henry is sitting at another booth and overhears them.) Henry: I did. I like cinnamon, too. Emma: Don't you have school? Henry: Duh. I'm ten. Walk me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry are walking to the bus stop.) Emma: So, what's the deal with you and your mom? Henry: It's not about us, it's about her curse. We have to break it. Luckily, I have a plan. Step one - identification. I call it Operation Cobra. Emma: Cobra? That has nothing to do with fairy tales. Henry: Exactly. It's a code name to throw the Queen off the trail. Emma: So, everyone here is a fairy tale character. They just don't know it. Henry: That's the curse. Time's been frozen - until you got here. (Emma takes a bite of her apple.) Henry: Hey! Where'd you get that? Emma: Your mom. Henry: Don't eat that! (Henry takes the apple from Emma and throws it over his shoulder.) Emma: Okay, uh... Alright. What about their pasts? Henry: They don't know. It's a haze to them. Ask anyone anything. And you'll see. Emma: So, for decades, people have been walking around in a haze, not aging, with screwed up memories, stuck in a cursed town that kept them oblivious. Henry: I knew you'd get it. That's why we need you. You're the only one who can stop her curse. Emma: Because I'm the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming? Henry: Yes. And right now, we have the advantage. My mom doesn't know that. I took out the end. The part with you in it. See? Your mom is Snow White. Emma: Kid... Henry: I know the hero never believes at first. If they did, it wouldn't be a very good story. If you need proof, take them. Read them. But whatever you do, don't let her see these pages. They're dangerous. If she finds out who you are, then it would be bad. I got to go. But I'll find you later and we can get started. I knew you'd believe me! Emma: I never said I did. Henry: Why else would you be here? (Henry runs into the school. Mary Margaret sees Emma and approaches her.) MMB: It's good to see his smile back. Emma: I didn't do anything. MMB: You stayed. So, does the Mayor know you're still here? Emma: Oh, she knows. What is her deal? She's not a great people person. How did she get elected? MMB: She's been mayor for as long as I can remember. No one's ever been brave enough to run against her. She inspires quite a bit of, well, fear. I'm afraid I only made that worse by giving Henry that book. Now he thinks she's the Evil Queen. Emma: Who does he think you are? MMB: Oh, it's silly. Emma: I just got five minutes of silly. Lay it on me. MMB: Snow White. Who does he think you are? Emma: I'm not in the book. Can I ask you a favour? Regina mentioned the kid's in therapy. Do you know where I could find the doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie is in his office. There's a knock on the door and Emma enters.) Emma: Hey. Archie: Emma Swan. I was, uh, just reading about you. Let me guess - you're here for a little help with post traumatic stress? ...That diagnosis was free, by the way. Emma: No, I'm here about Henry. Archie: I'm sorry. I... I really shouldn't- Emma: I know, I'm sorry. Just tell me something. This fairy tale obsession - what is causing it? I mean, he thinks everyone is a character in his book. That's...crazy. Archie: I-I hope you don't talk that way in front of him. The word crazy is, um, quite damaging. These stories... They're his language. He has no idea how to express complex emotion, so he's translating as best he can. This is how he communicates, when he's using this book to help deal with his problems. Emma: But he got the book a month ago. Has he been seeing you longer than that? Archie: Um, yes, he has. Emma: So it's Regina, isn't it? Archie: Uh, his mother is, uh, a very complicated woman. And, uh, over the years, her attempts to try and bring Henry close to her only backfired. Why don't you take a look at the file? Um, see what I mean. (Archie gets Henry's file from the cabinet and hands it to Emma.) Emma: Why are you doing this? Archie: We talked about you a lot. And you're very important to him. Emma: Thank you. Archie: Just, uh, see that I get it back, okay? And Miss Swan. Just for the sake of the boy, be careful how to handle his belief system. Destroying his imagination would be...be devastating. (Emma leaves. Archie goes to the phone and dials a number.) Archie: You were right. She was just here. Regina: Did she take the file? Archie: Yes. H-How did you know that she was going to come here? Regina: Because I'm the one who gave her the idea. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is sitting on her bed, flipping through Henry's file. There's a knock on the door. She answers, and sees that it's Graham.) Emma: Hey there. If you're concerned about the 'do not disturb' signs, don't worry. I've left them alone. Graham: Actually, I'm here about Dr. Archibald Hopper. He mentioned you got into a bit of a row with him earlier? Emma: No... Graham: I was shocked too. And given your shy, delicate sensibilities... He says you demanded to see Henry's files and when he refused, you came back and stole them. Emma: He gave them to me. Graham: Alas, he's telling a different tale. May I check your room? Or, must I get a search warrant? (Emma lets Graham inside her room. The papers from Henry's files are strewn everywhere.) Emma: This what you're looking for? Graham: Well, you're very accommodating. I'm afraid, Miss Swan, you're under arrest. Again. Emma: You know I'm being set up, don't you? Graham: And whom, may I ask, is setting you up? [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina walks down the street to where Henry, Mary Margaret and his class are sitting.) MMB: -water, synthesize. Regina: Ahem. May I speak with my son? MMB: We're in the middle of a lesson. Is it important? Regina: Do you think I'd be here if it wasn't? (Regina walks over to Henry.) Regina: Henry, sweetie, I have some bad news. The woman who you brought here - she's been arrested. She broke into Dr. Hopper's office and stole his files. She's a con woman. She's trying to learn about us in order to take advantage of us. That's why she's sticking around. I'm sorry. Henry: No, you're not. Regina: I know you think otherwise, but all I'm doing is trying to protect you. This is going to be good for us. You'll see. Things will be better. (The bell rings.) Henry: I got to get back to class. [SCENE_BREAK] (Graham is taking Emma's mugshot. They're at the jail.) Emma: You know the shrink is lying, right? Graham: To the right, please. Why would he lie? Emma: The Mayor put him up to this. She's got to have something on him. He's terrified of her like everyone else in this...town. Graham: To the left. Regina may be a touch intimidating, but I don't think she'd go as far as a frame job. Emma: How far would she go? What does she have her hands in? Graham: Well, she's the Mayor. She has her hands in everything. Emma: Including the police force? (Henry runs in. Mary Margaret is also with him.) Henry: Hey! Graham: Henry! Henry, what are you doing here? MMB: His mother told him what happened. Emma: Of course she did. Henry, I don't know what she said- Henry: You're a genius. Emma: What? Henry: I know what you were up to. You were gathering intel for Operation Cobra. Graham: I'm sorry. I'm a bit lost. Henry: It's need to know, Sheriff. And all you need to know is that Miss Blanchard's going to bail her out. Emma: You are? Why? MMB: I, uh, trust you. Emma: Well, if you can uncuff me, I have something to do. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is sitting in her office. Outside, a noise is heard. Regina looks out and sees Emma cutting down her apple tree with a chainsaw. She goes outside to confront her.) Regina: What the hell are you doing? Emma: Picking apples. Regina: You're out of your mind. Emma: No, you are if you think a shoddy frame job's enough to scare me off. You're going to have to do better than that. You come after me one more time, I'm coming back for the rest of this tree. Because, sister, you have no idea what I am capable of. (Emma starts to walk away.) Emma: Your move. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Regina and the man from earlier are standing where the failed curse took place.) Henry I: Maybe it's for the best. The forces you are summoning are darker than we can conceive. Evil Queen: Oh? Now you're trying to protect me? Henry I: It's what I do. Evil Queen: I know. You're the only one who does. Henry I: Helping you is my life. Evil Queen: Well then help me understand why this curse isn't working. Henry I: If you want to know that, then you need to back to the person who gave it to you in the first place. Revenge is a dark and lonely road and once you go down it, there is no heading back. Evil Queen: What is there for me to head back to? [SCENE_BREAK] (The dungeon where Rumpelstiltskin is being kept is shown. There are mice everywhere.) Rumpelstiltskin: It's just us, dearie. You can show yourself. (One of the mice transforms into the Evil Queen.) Evil Queen: That curse you gave me - it's not working. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh so worried. So, so worried. Like Snow and her lovely new husband. Evil Queen: What? Rumpelstiltskin: They paid me a visit, as well. They were very anxious...about you and the curse. Evil Queen: What'd you tell them? Rumpelstiltskin: The truth! That nothing can stop the darkness. Except, of course, their unborn child. You see, no matter how powerful, all curses can be broken. Their child is the key. Of course, the curse has to be enacted first. Evil Queen: Tell me what I did wrong. Rumpelstiltskin: For that, there's a price. Evil Queen: What do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: Simple. In this new land, I want comfort. I want a good life. Evil Queen: Fine. You'll have an estate. Be rich. Rumpelstiltskin: I wasn't finished. There's more! Evil Queen: There always is with you. Rumpelstiltskin: In this new land, should I ever come to you for any reason, you must heed my every request. You must do whatever I say. So long as I say 'please'. Evil Queen: You do realize, that should I succeed, you won't remember any of this. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, well then. What's the harm? Evil Queen: Deal. What must I do to enact this curse? Rumpelstiltskin: You need to sacrifice a heart. Evil Queen: I sacrificed my prized steed. Rumpelstiltskin: A horse? This is the curse to end all curses. You think a horse is going to do? Great power requires great sacrifice. The heart you need must come from something far more precious. Evil Queen: Tell me what will suffice. Rumpelstiltskin: The heart of the thing you love most. Evil Queen: What I love most died because of Snow White. Rumpelstiltskin: Ooh. Is there no one else you truly love? This curse isn't going to be easy. Vengeance never isn't, dearie. You have to ask yourself the simple question. How far are you willing to go? Evil Queen: As far as it takes. Rumpelstiltskin: Then please don't waste everyone's time and just do it. You know what you love. Now go kill it. -[Real World]- (Emma returns to the inn and enters her room. Granny is right behind her.) Granny: Miss Swan. Oh my, this is terribly awkward. Uh, I need to ask you to leave. I'm afraid we have a 'no felons' rule. It... It turns out it's a city ordinance. Emma: Let me guess - the Mayor's office just called to remind you. Granny: You can gather your things, but I need to have your room key back. (Emma hands over the key.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is picking apples up off the ground. Graham walks up behind her.) Regina: She destroyed city property. I want her arrested. Graham: Again? Regina: What are you waiting for? Graham: I'm just not convinced arresting her is the right plan. And I'm not talking about your tree. We both know she didn't steal those files. Regina: Oh, do we? Graham: I mean, she looked pretty shocked when I levelled the charges against her. Regina: It's because she doesn't like being caught. Graham: Or because she was set up. And if she was, that means Dr. Hopper was lying. And if he's lying, that means that someone asked him to. Are we really confident that the man's conscience won't eventually get the best of him? Regina: I think your schoolboy crush is clouding your judgment. Remember - I made you sheriff. And I can take it away just as easily. Graham: If you want me to arrest her again, I will. Regina: Good. Graham: But she's going to keep coming at you. And I know that you're going to keep coming at her and you will do whatever it takes to get her out of here and you may succeed. Regina: No, I will succeed. He's my son. It's what's best for him. Graham: I know that's what you believe. Yeah, but if this escalates, it seems to me the only one who will get hurt is Henry. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is walking down the street. She looks over to where her car is parked and sees that it has a boot on it. Her phone rings and she answers it.) Emma: Yeah? Regina: Miss Swan, I'd be happy to continue demonstrating my power, but am I right in guessing your resolve to stay is only growing? Emma: You have no idea. Regina: Well then. I think it's time we made peace. Why don't you drive over to my office? Or walk, whatever suits you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Emma are sitting in Regina's office.) Regina: I'd like to start by apologizing, Miss Swan. Emma: What? Regina: I just have to accept the reality that you want to be here. Emma: That's right. I do. Regina: And that you're here to take my son from me. Emma: Okay, let's be clear. I have no intention of taking him from anyone. Regina: Well, then, what are you doing here? Emma: I know I'm not a mother. I think that's pretty self-evident. But I did have him. And I can't help that he got in my head and I want to make sure he's okay. The more you try to push me out, the more I want to be here. Especially after seeing how troubled he is. Regina: You think he's troubled? Emma: Well, he's in therapy. And I only got through a couple of pages of his shrink's notes before you had me arrested. But putting all that aside. He thinks everyone in this town is a fairy tale character. Regina: And you don't? Emma: How can I? The poor kid can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality and it's only getting worse. It's crazy. (Henry, who has been listening to their conversation, yells out.) Henry: You think I'm crazy? Emma: Henry... (Henry runs out of the room.) Emma: How long was he there? Regina: Long enough. Emma: You knew he would be here. Regina: Did I know that my son comes to my office every Thursday at precisely 5:00pm so I can take him for dinner before his therapy session? Of course I did. I'm his mother. Your move. Emma: You have no soul. How in the hell did you get like this? -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen is walking down a hall in her castle. There are several mirrors on the wall.) Mirror: What happened? Did you get your answer? What's going on? Your Majesty? Your Majesty! (She enters a room where the man from earlier is lighting candles.) Henry I: Did Rumpelstiltskin tell you what you needed to know? Evil Queen: Yes. Henry I: And? Evil Queen: I'm not sure I should say. I'm conflicted. Henry I: How bad is it? Maybe I can help. Evil Queen: I have to cut out the heart of the thing I love most. Henry I: Me? Evil Queen: Daddy, I don't know what to do. Henry I: My dear, please. You don't have to do this. Evil Queen: I have to do something. Henry I: Then move past this. I know this may sound self-serving, but you don't need to enact the curse. Evil Queen: But I can't keep living like this. What Snow did to me, what she took from me? It's eating me alive, Daddy. Her very existence mocks me. She must be punished. Henry I: But, if the price is a hole that will never be filled, why do it? Stop worrying about Snow White and start over. We can have a new life. Evil Queen: But what kind of life? All I've worked for, all I've built, would be gone. My power will disappear. They already think I'm nothing. Henry I: Power is seductive. But so is love. You can have that again. Evil Queen: I just want to be happy. Henry I: You can be. Of this I'm sure. But I believe, given the chance, we can find happiness. Together. But the choice is yours. Evil Queen: I think you're right. I can be happy. ...Just not here. (The Evil Queen kills her father.) Evil Queen: I'm sorry... -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is sewing at a table in her home. There is a knock on the door.) Emma: Hey. Just wanted to say thank you and, um, pay you back the bail money. MMB: You look like you need to talk. (Emma enters. Mary Margaret makes them cocoa.) Emma: Cinnamon? MMB: Oh, I'm sorry. I should've asked. It's a little quirk of mine. Do you mind? Emma: Not at all. Oh, thanks. When you bailed me out, you said that you trusted me. Why? MMB: It's strange. Ever since you arrived here, I've had the oddest feeling like we met before. And, I know it's crazy. Emma: I'm starting to re-evaluate my definition of crazy. MMB: For what it's worth, I think you're innocent. Emma: Of breaking and entering, or just in general? MMB: Whichever makes you feel better. Emma: It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks I did or didn't do. I'm leaving. Thank you - for everything - but I think it's for the best. If I stay, Henry's only going to keep getting hurt. MMB: What happens if you go? I think they very fact that you want to leave, is why you have to stay. You care about him. Who will protect Henry if you won't? [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is at his therapy session with Archie.) Archie: Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? You know, that umbrella kind of is my good luck charm. Is that why you think I'm Jiminy Cricket? Henry: I don't think you're anyone. (Emma barges into the room.) Archie: Miss Swan! Look, I can explain. The Mayor forced me to- Emma: I know. Don't worry about it. I get it. Henry, I'm sorry. Henry: I don't want to talk to you. Archie: Miss Swan, if she knew you were here- Emma: To hell with her. Henry, there is one simple reason I stayed here. You. I wanted to get to know you. Henry: You think I'm crazy. Emma: No, I think the curse is crazy. And it is. But, that doesn't mean that it isn't true. It is a lot to ask anyone to believe in, but there are a lot of crazy things in this world. So what do I know. Maybe it is true. Henry: But you told my mom. Emma: What she needed to hear. What I do know, is that if the curse is real, the only way to break it is by tricking the Evil Queen into thinking that we are non-believers. Cause that way, she's not on to us. Isn't that what Operation Cobra was all about? Throwing her off the trail? Henry: Brilliant! Emma: I've read the pages and, Henry, you are right. They are dangerous. There is only one way to make sure that see never sees them. (Emma throws the pages into the fireplace.) Emma: Now we have the advantage. Henry: I knew you were here to help me. Emma: That's right, kid. I am. And nothing, not even a curse, is going to stop that. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen is, again, at the cliff where they previously tried to enact the curse. She throws the heart into the fire. A large pillar of smoke appears as before, but this time, it doesn't disappear. The Queen walks over to another area of the cliff. She places a rose at the base of a tombstone. The tombstone reads 'Henry'.) Evil Queen: I love you, Daddy. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry leave Archie's office together. Elsewhere, Regina is still cleaning up the damage to her apple tree. Mr. Gold enters her yard.) Mr. Gold: What a mess. Regina: Not for long. What could I do for you, Mr. Gold? Mr. Gold: I was just in the neighbourhood. Thought I'd pop by. Lovely to see you in such high spirits. Regina: Well, it's been a good day. I just rid the town of an unwanted nuisance. Mr. Gold: Emma Swan. Really? Regina: Yes. I imagine she's half way to Boston by now. Mr. Gold: Oh, I wouldn't bet on that. I just seen her strolling down the main street with your boy. Thick as thieves, they looked. Regina: what? Mr. Gold: Perhaps you should have come to me. If Miss Swan is a problem you can't fix, I'm only too happy to help. For a price, of course. Regina: I'm not in the business of making deals with you anymore. Mr. Gold: To which deal are you referring? Regina: You know what deal. Mr. Gold: Oh, right. Yeah. The boy I procured for you. Henry. Did I ever tell you what a lovely name that was? However did you pick it? Regina: Did you want her to come to town? You wanted all this to happen, didn't you? Your finding Henry wasn't an accident, was it? Mr. Gold: Whatever do you mean? Regina: Where did you get him? Do you know something? Mr. Gold: I have no idea what you're implying. Regina: I think you do. Who is this woman, his mother, this...Emma Swan? Mr. Gold: I would say you think you know exactly who she is. I really must be going. (Mr. Gold starts walking away from Regina. Regina runs ahead and stands in front of him.) Regina: Tell me what you know about her. Mr. Gold: I'm not going to answer you, dear. So I suggest you excuse me. Please. (Mr. Gold leaves Regina's yard. Regina stands where she was, seemingly shocked.) -[End]-
Plan: A: Regina; Q: Who does everything in her power to force Emma out of Storybrooke? A: the Dark Curse; Q: What is the name of the curse that Emma and Henry are battling? A: a revelation; Q: What forces the Evil Queen to choose between revenge and protecting what she loves most? Summary: Regina does everything in her power to force Emma out of Storybrooke and out of her and Henry's lives forever while the events surrounding the completion of the Dark Curse are revealed along with a revelation that forces the Evil Queen to choose between exacting her revenge or protecting the thing she loves most.
Michael: Look at that. Oscar: Huh? Michael: Nice! Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning. Pam: Okay. Michael: She is a beaut! Dwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself. Oscar: Yes, it is. Michael: Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll. Oscar: Yeah. Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike! Oscar: Yes. Meredith: His ass was on that seat? All right! Kevin: Nice. Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses. Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now. Pam: [crashing sound] Michael! Michael: Oh, god! Oscar: Oh... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Are you sure you once knew how to do this? Michael: I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! All: [chanting] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Dwight: Yeah! Pam: Come on, Michael! Yeah! Jim: Just steer more now. Michael: [crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god! Pam: Not the car! Jim: No! No! Michael: Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: How do I look? Jim: Amazing. How do I look? Dwight: Normal. Ugly. Jim: Well, I do the best with what I've got. Let's go. Dwight: Alright. Wait, wait, wait, wait for me! It's weird if I come in slightly after. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash. Jim: He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash. Dwight: Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending. Jim: I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining. Dwight: And who is this "the" Steve Nash? Jim: Phoenix Sun's point guard? Dwight: No. Jim: No? Nothin'? Dwight: No, Mr. Jock Hipster. Jim: Well, I'm neither of those things, so... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [reading Cornell magazine] Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God! Phyllis: What? Is Dan okay? Andy: No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook. Phyllis: Yes. Andy: "Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.'" Phyllis: Oh, that's great news for your friend. Andy: Yeah, yeah, it's great... Phyllis: You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists. Jim: Oh, ha ha ha. Dwight...[motions to lobby] Dwight: Crap. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Danny Cordray is the worst. Jim: Well, by worst, you mean the best. Dwight: The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone. Jim: So, the situation is the worst. Dwight: Also, he slept with Pam. Jim: No, he didn't. [Dwight mouthing "yes, he did"] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Tell 'em. Pam: Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again. Jim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled. Pam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle. Jim: Yeah, I thought you started it. Pam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. [Jim nodding repeatedly] You know I have a kid with you, right? Jim: Ahhh. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay? Jim: Okay, great- Dwight: Watch this. Jim: -I'm just gonna watch. Dwight: [speaking loudly] So anyway, she says, "that is the biggest pen1s I have ever seen." And I said, "I know. That's why I brought you to the pen1s Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars." Well, hello Danny! Danny: Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey. Jim: [shaking hands] How are ya? Danny: Good to see you too. Dwight: What are you doing? Danny: Oh, I'm just here for the coffee. Dwight: Like hell you are. Jim: Dwight! Dwight: He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello? Jim: Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy? Michael: Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up? Angela: What? Oscar: You are busy! We're in a meeting! Michael: It's Jim, Okay? Yes. Jim: Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here. Michael: You need the big guns, yes? Jim: Yes. Dwight: What'd he say? What did he say? Jim: The big gun thing. [Dwight grabs at phone] Stop! Michael: I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in. Pam: You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager. Michael: [laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me? Pam: You don't? Michael: No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [knocking] Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute? Darryl: I'm very busy with time-sensitive work. Andy: Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com. Darryl: If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What? Andy: I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards. Darryl: Nah. I play for pleasure. Andy: This is for pleasure. Darryl: I wouldn't enjoy that. Andy: I'm willing to pay you. Darryl: Oh, yeah? Andy: Yeah. Darryl: How much? Andy: Sixty bucks a session. Darryl: That's crazy money. I'll take forty. Andy: Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There he is. Michael: Oh, no, that's a male model. Jim: No, that's him. Michael: That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. Danny: Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper. Michael: Nice to meet you. Danny: Three of you guys for one sale. Michael: Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy? Danny: Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right. Michael: All right. Danny: It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you. Michael: Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model. Receptionist: He's ready for you. Michael: Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two-- Jim: Nope, not doing that. Dwight: I've been in showtime mode since breakfast. Michael: Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then. Jim: Showtime! Michael: It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we- Steve: Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company. Michael: You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends. Steve: That's very generous, but- Michael: And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now. Dwight: He's not kidding. Michael: Shake it, shake it! Steve: Michael, I'm going with Danny. Dwight: Oh. Steve: Thanks for coming in. Michael: Okay. Thank you. Steve: Thank you. Michael: Thanks, Steve. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Jim talked too much. Jim: No, I didn't. Dwight: Yes, you did. Michael: Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him? Stanley: We sell better? Michael: Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave? Stanley: I would like to stay. This pertains to me. Michael: Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay? Stanley: Why do you always assume I have diabetes? Michael: I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis? Phyllis: I could try to seduce him. Michael: Oh, my god! Dwight: I know how we can learn his tricks. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy. Jim: Is that your office? Dwight: Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell. Phyllis: Uh... Stanley: I'm outta here. Phyllis: This is weird. Michael: You know what this is? This is a stinger. Jim: A what? Michael: Like the movie. Jim: I think you mean The Sting. Michael: Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers. Jim: Nope. Different movie. Dwight: The Sting. The Sting. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Your two o'clock. [Danny enters] Meredith: Thanks, hun. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...that's it. That's really all we were looking for. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you. Meredith: Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you. Jim: Meredith Van Helsing? Dwight: Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer. Jim: Okay. But what is he more famous for? Michael: Shhh! Hey! That's my mug. Jim: You know this isn't real TV, right? Michael: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl and Andy: [singing] Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl. Andy: [in falsetto] Please Mr. President- Darryl: One second, one second, one second. [stops playing] So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl? Andy: Yeah. Darryl: But you're singing it. Andy: Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto. Darryl: No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song. Andy: Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul. Darryl: Oh, I never sing with soul. Andy: That's a lie. Kevin: I could sing it. Andy: I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs. Kevin: But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan. Andy: Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four- [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here. Meredith: Hel-lo! Michael: Oh, no, no. No. Don't- Dwight: People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire. Michael: Testify. Jim: Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this- Michael: Yeah, he is that good-looking. Dwight: He's very, very handsome. Michael: Okay. Meredith: That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? [phone rings] Sorry. Yeah? Michael: Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him. Meredith: I'm sorry. [hangs up] You're here to sell me some paper. Danny: Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit. Meredith: What do you mean? Michael: Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [everyone finishes listening to song] Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar? Oscar: It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid. Andy: But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something? Pam: Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl. Andy: I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics. Ryan: I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs. Andy: Rude. And not helpful. Creed: Well, I really, really, really liked it. Andy: Well, that...really bums me out. Creed: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you? Meredith: Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me. Danny: Ha ha, okay, there you go! [phone rings, Meredith answers] Michael: Stay- Meredith: Shut up and let me do this! [hangs up] You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart? Danny: I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh? Dwight: Oh... Danny: Well, we'll get this...[Meredith unbuttons] Michael: Oh! Dwight: Oh, man! Meredith: So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too. Jim: We gotta get someone else in there right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and- Oscar: That sounds fake. Jim: What do you mean? Dwight: I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father- Jim: Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay? Oscar: Okay. Jim: So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can. Oscar: All right. I can do that. Then what? Dwight: Then make him pitch to you. Jim: Yes. Dwight: We gotta see what he's got. Jim: Exactly. You can do this. Dwight: Okay, and remember-you're not gay. Jim: Stop it! It's gonna be great. Oscar: Okay. Jim: And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Meredith, I- Meredith: Oh, Manuel! This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English. Danny: Hola. Que tal? Oscar: Como estas, senor? Meredith: Uh, Manuel, cleano el window. Jim: Who else we got? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries. You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired. It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now. Ryan: Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in- Jim: Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you. Michael: Don't let us down. Ryan: [points to Jim] Will do. [points to Michael] Won't do. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: Yeah, sure. Meredith: You smell like a Scorpio. [Ryan enters] This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro. Danny: You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so- Meredith: Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm- Michael: No, no, no.... Jim: No, no, no, no... Michael: I'm goin 'in! Dwight: Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No! Michael: Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop. Danny: Michael Scott. Michael: I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer- Meredith: Please to meet you- Michael: Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever. Danny: Hmm. Michael: I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you. Danny: But from where? Michael: A surveillance room next to this one. Danny: Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique? Michael: Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery. Danny: Or...crazy. Michael: Well- Danny: I'm gonna go. Michael: Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well. Dwight: No! Jim: No, no, no, no. Danny: Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here. Michael: No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks. Danny: What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! [opens door to leave] Michael: You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me. Danny: Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy. Michael: So, you will? Danny: [opening door again to leave] No! Michael: Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same? Danny: Get out of my way. Michael: Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny? Danny: I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now. Michael: I know, I know. Danny: I'm very upset! Michael: Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same? Danny: More freedom. Michael: I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny! Kelly: [bleep] me! Michael: O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is? Kelly: Josh Duhamel. Angela: Yeah, I can see that. Michael: No. No. No. Somebody in this office. Kevin: He's like a better-looking Andy. Andy: Thanks, Kevin. Michael: No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me. Oscar: It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it. Dwight: Michael? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Can I talk to you about something? Michael: No, you may not. Dwight: It's about this very announcement you just made. Michael: I said no. Dwight: Michael- Michael: We're not- Jim: Michael, I think you really want to talk to him. Michael: Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him. Erin: Gotcha. [they go into Michael's office] Jim: You hired him? Michael: Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same? All: Stay the same. Michael: Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better. Phyllis: It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients. Michael: No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us. Dwight: Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats. Michael: He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave. Stanley: Hmpf! Dwight: Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots. Michael: Good-bye! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Song's about truth. Kevin: Yeah. Darryl: What's something you really care about? Andy: Reverse snobbery. Darryl: More universal. Andy: Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by. Darryl: [plays soft chords and sings] Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away. Kevin: Oh, nice! Andy: Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing! Darryl: Go ahead. Andy: [singing] Which me am I gonna be today? Darryl: Which me am I gonna be today? Andy: I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me? Kevin: Or the me that stinks. Andy: Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour? Darryl: Oh, don't worry about it. Andy: Wait. Seriously? Darryl: Yeah. Andy: So we're just, like, jamming as friends? Darryl: One, two, three, hit it. Andy: Closet full of mes- [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates. Jim: Did ya? Danny: Yeah. Way ,way, way back. Jim: I'm just kidding. She told me about it. Danny: Oh. She was not into me. Jim: Oh. Danny: Obviously. I don't even think she called me back. Dwight: You snubbed her. Jim: Dwight, please. Dwight: Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too "meh" or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? [Pam mouthing "I wear makeup"] We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you! Danny: Okay...that's different. Dwight: Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. [awkward pause] So...you're gonna be workin' here? Danny: Uh...I mean-yeah. Dwight: Welcome aboard. Danny: Thank you. Jim: Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine? Dwight: It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. [shakes Danny's hand] Danny: Oh. Dwight: Pleasure. Danny: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [singing and playing drums] Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad? All: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you. Darryl: I'll be your croak monsieur. Andy: [falsetto] I'll be your croak madame. Kevin: Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog. Darryl: I find you absolutely ribbiting! All: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Andy: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Kevin: Croak! Andy: Ribbit! Darryl: Scoopity-splash! Kevin: Nice.
Plan: A: a Dunder Mifflin client; Q: What is stolen by Danny? A: Danny; Q: Who is the rival salesman that steals a client from Dunder Mifflin? A: ( Timothy Olyphant; Q: Who is Danny? A: Michael, Dwight; Q: Who and Jim decide to set up a sting to uncover Danny's sales secret? A: Michael; Q: Who hires Danny to appear victorious? A: Meredith; Q: Who is the manager of the fake company? A: the plan; Q: What does Meredith tank? A: one; Q: How many of Andy's old college friends is in the band he starts with Darryl? Summary: When a Dunder Mifflin client is stolen by a rival salesman named Danny ( Timothy Olyphant ), Michael, Dwight and Jim decide to set up a sting in order to uncover his sales secret. Meredith who pretends to be the manager of the fake company tanks the plan due her attraction to Danny, resulting in Michael hiring him to appear victorious. Andy starts a band with Darryl when he learns that one of his old college friends has a successful music career.
Dwight: Go. Get the door. Michael: Here we are. Dwight: Go. Push! Michael: Oh god. Dwight: Push! Michael: No, no, turn it around. Dwight: Really shove it. Michael: You'll break it. Dwight: Shove it through! Break it! Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight. Michael: All right. Dwight: I got a splinter. Michael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh? Dwight: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up. Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three. Dwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.] Michael: Merry Christmas! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did it work? Kevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big? Michael: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. Kevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part? Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights? Phyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones? Angela: We'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting? Angela: Fifty. Michael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive. Pam: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party. Michael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin & Oscar: One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk] Dwight: You guys should use a hand truck. Kevin: Do we have one? Dwight: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No! No way! It... no. Darryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours. Michael: You wanna be Santa? Darryl: Yeah. Michael: Have you ever seen Santa? Darryl: Yeah, I've seen Santa. Michael: Okay. Darryl: Who cares? Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work. Dwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf. Michael: That makes sense because he has elfish features. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily]. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You get something good this year? Jim: I think I did a pretty good job. Michael: Yeah? Who did you have? Jim: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret. Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy. Jim: Yeah? Michael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow. Jim: Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ? Michael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond. Jim: That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can .. Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons. Stanley: I know how to plug something in. Dwight: I want to do it. Michael: All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready? All: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree] Michael: Not great. Phyllis: I'm sorry, everybody. Pam: I think the tree looks nice. Dwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car. Michael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth." [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: First present, Oscar. Oscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat. Kelly: Oh, good, that was from me. Oscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of .. Dwight: Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim. Jim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag] Creed: That's from me. Jim: Great. Where did you get it? Creed: I don't know. It was so long ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Yep. That's exactly what happened. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Pam. Pam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome. Jim: There's a little more to it. Dwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present] Michael: No, don't! Ryan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod. Michael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away. Ryan: Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks. Michael: You don't know that. Ryan: Yeah, you left the price tag on. Michael: I did? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right? Dwight: Michael. Michael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on. Phyllis: I knitted it for you. Michael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Should we just keep opening up the presents? Dwight: We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions. Michael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap. Jim: What is Yankee Swap? Michael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift. Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas. Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant. Michael: Well, I call it fun! Oscar: Why are we doing this? Michael: Because it's better. Because it's more special. Angela: It sounds mean. Michael: Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt. Meredith: I'll take the teapot. Jim: Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam. Michael: Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now. Pam: I'll take the iPod. Ryan: And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice? Dwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift. Stanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly. Ryan: Yeah, I figured. Michael: I think this is going great. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [unwrapping the poster] Yikes. Toby: Well, it's for Angela, so .. Kelly: That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen. Dwight: Angela, you're up. Angela: I'll take the poster. Some people like these. Kelly: I will steal the iPod. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn. Oscar: I'll take the ... teapot. Meredith: Damn it. Dwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go. Meredith: I really want the iPod. Dwight: It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else. Michael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful. Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt. Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [opens present] "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute." Dwight: You and me, Michael. Yes! Michael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod? Dwight: I never said it was better than an iPod. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Last gift. Kevin. Kevin: I want the foot bath. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift. Pam: I want the iPod. Kelly: Damn it. Jim: Sure you don't want the teapot? Pam: Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But .. Jim: Right. Pam: Sorry, I .. Jim: No. No. Definitely. It's .. Kelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories. Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias. Jim: Got to be kidding me. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about? Pam: Maybe because you hated her present so much. Michael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets. Jim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people. Stanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else. Michael: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me! Oscar: You got a bonus check? Pam: How much? Michael: It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000. Stanley: All right, I'm done now. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame. [SCENE_BREAK] Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41. Michael: All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it. Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it? Dwight: No trades. Jim: Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck. Dwight: "A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane. Titanic. Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you? Dwight: No. I want it. I'm going to use it. Jim: You don't even drink tea. Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems .. JIm: Okay .. Dwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: This is awesome. Pam: I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out. Roy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money. Pam: So what are you going to get me instead? Roy: I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty. Angela: What is that? Michael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze. Meredith: We can drink? Toby: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol. Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink? Meredith: Me. Please. Michael: Go, here we go! [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Hi guys. Ryan: Hey. Phyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? Kevin: Kevin Malone. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Stanley: Stanley Hudson. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Ryan: Ryan Howard. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob? [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man. Darryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done. Roy: It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man. Darryl: I had to. I needed defense. Roy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league. Darryl: It's defense. Roy: Oh, no. That is not worth it. Darryl: It is worth it. Roy: Never. Darryl: Are you kidding? You wait. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin] Ryan: We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some? Angela: There should be some .. Michael: No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin: One, two, three. [do a shot] Michael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee. Ryan: Oh, no. Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ryan: I really did not do anything. Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know. Pam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot] Jim: But .. Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so .. Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside. Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer? Jim: I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: This is so awesome. Michael: Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Todd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe! Michael: No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen! Todd Packer: [rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants] Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake. Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky. Michael: Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it. Darryl: That's okay, Mike. Michael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it. Darryl: All right. Thanks, man. Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that? Kevin: Mine. Ryan: Oh, how did I not guess that? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Hey. Dwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing? Kelly: I don't know. Dwight: You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Thanks for the party, Michael. Meredith: Yeah. Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in? Oscar: I'm in. Dwight: Yes. Oscar: Michael? Poor Richard's? Michael: Yeah, that sounds good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's? Meredith: Yep. Michael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat? Meredith: Yeah. Michael: Okay!
Plan: A: a disaster; Q: What does the office Christmas party turn into when Michael decides to give all of the employees the ability to steal each other's Secret Santa gifts? A: Michael; Q: Who bought alcohol for everyone? A: a better gift; Q: What does Michael try to procure? A: the iPod; Q: What did the staff try to win? A: Ryan; Q: Who did Michael originally buy the iPod for? Summary: The office Christmas party turns into a disaster when Michael decides to give all of the employees the ability to steal each other's Secret Santa gifts . While Michael attempts to procure a better gift, the rest of the staff all attempt to win the iPod that Michael originally bought for Ryan. Seeing that his idea has ruined the party, Michael buys alcohol for everyone.
SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. [SCENE_BREAK] [Birds chirping] [Panting] Prince Charming: What is it? Did the trail go cold? Snow White: Shh. [Unicorn grunts] [Sighs] Snow White: Well, come on. Let's get this over with. Prince Charming: Snow... I know you're worried about Maleficent's protections. Snow White: Aren't you? If she's right, our child could end up with a dark heart. Prince Charming: Or it could grow to be a powerful hero. She said that, too, and who's to say we can even trust her? Snow White: Let's find out. [Unicorn grunts] Snow White: According to legend, all we need to do is touch its horn... And we'll get a glimpse of our child's future. [Crunching] [Twinkle] [Insects chirping] [Fussing] Prince Charming: Ohh. Yes. Look at you. You are so beautiful. [Chuckles] [Gasps] Prince Charming: Snow, it's all right. Our baby's gonna be all right! Snow? Snow White: Look at you. You're so beautiful. [Gasps] [Grunts] [Young Emma takes Snow's heart] Snow White: What are you doing?! Please! I'm your mother! Young Emma: I don't care. [Heart shatters] [Gasps] Prince Charming: Did you see? Our child's gonna be just fine. Snow White: No. No, it's not. It's evil. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: How the hell is The Author trapped inside the book? Emma: Don't ask me. You're the magic expert. Henry: Mom. Regina: Well, this is insane. What are we supposed to do, draw a key? Emma: What we need to do is figure it out before Gold does. Henry: Mom! Regina: What is it? Henry: There's something wrong with August. Emma: August? August? We need to get him help. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] [Birds chirping] Blue Fairy: He's been through a lot. Emma: What's happening? He was awake, and then he passed out, and... Blue Fairy: Well, he's been changed by magic many times. For him to survive this, he will have to be very strong. Regina: We have a bigger problem. Gold and these other witches are expecting me. They sent me on a mission to get that page from the book. And if I return empty-handed, whatever suspicions they have of me will be confirmed. Emma: Then give them this. [Emma conjures a duplicate of the page with the door on it.] Henry: Wow. You're getting good. Emma: I've been practicing. Regina: A forgery? This is Gold we're talking about. Emma: Then pull out, and we will protect you. Regina: [Sighs] We still don't know what they're up to. It's a bigger risk not to know. [Cellphone beeping] Regina: [Sighs] That's them. Probably wondering where I am. Henry: Mom, the forgery's good. Regina: Not good enough. But maybe what we need is a different kind of copy. Emma: Because Gold and those witches don't know that the page contains the actual door. [Camera shutter clicks] Emma: All they care about is what the door looks like. Regina: Hopefully, this photo will keep them on their wild goose chase around town. I've got to get going. Bye, Henry. Henry: Okay, mom. Regina: Sorry. Sorry. Just not sure if... When I'll be back to see you. But don't worry. I'll be fine. [Door opens] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mary Margret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Hey. Killian, what's wrong? Hook: Before Ursula left, she told me what the villains have planned. To get their happy endings, they intend to darken your heart, love, to turn you into a villain so you'll no longer be the savior. Henry: What? You can't just un-savior the savior. Hook: Ursula said Gold has a way. He can use The Author to do it. Emma: That's insane. If that's what their plan is, stop worrying. It's ridiculous. Author or no author, I am not going dark. Hook: But darkness is a funny thing. It creeps up in you. Emma: Hey. No one... not Rumplestiltskin or some author... gets to decide who I am. Mary Margret: Do you really think it's possible? Emma going dark after what we did? David: No, it shouldn't be. We were told that we had to guide her, that her fate rested with us. Mary Margret: But this author... he has the power to change everything. I mean, he's going to write the villains' happy endings. Who knows what he can do to Emma? We have to do something... Without Emma finding out the truth. [Door opens] David: She'll be fine. [Clears throat] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's cabin. [SCENE_BREAK] Cruela: Oh, at last. I feel I've aged a decade waiting for you. Regina: Well, you certainly look like it. Maleficent: Where's the page, Regina? Mr. Gold: Don't tell me you failed. Regina: The page was under a protection spell... something cooked up by the savior. She almost caught me trying to break it. I had to flee. Mr. Gold: Are you sure that's what happened? Regina: Of course I am. Mr. Gold: It's just that you've been gone an awfully long time... And yet you come back empty-handed. Regina: I'm not empty-handed. I got this. Mr. Gold: A photograph. Cruela: Oh, and an incompetent one, too. That glare ruins any clear view of the door. Mr. Gold: No, that's not a glare. That's magic. This door has been sealed by it. This is the door we've been looking for. Maleficent: You think The Author is trapped in an illustration? But that would mean... Mr. Gold: The Sorcerer imprisoned him in the book. We need to get it. Bring us the page. Regina: That won't be easy. The Savior isn't about to let it out of her sight. Maleficent: Don't worry about her. I've got just the thing. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mary Margret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: How was he? The wooden man-child... how was he? Emma: Not great. Hook: You care for him? Emma: Yeah. Hook: Hmm. Emma: Oh, Killian. Now's not the time to be jealous. Hook: Why would I be jealous? Though I do know you're partial to men in leather jackets. Emma: He's just a friend. Hook: Yeah, of course. Emma: See... Well, you remember that video I showed you from the foster home? Hook: With your friend when you were a girl? Emma: Lily. Her name was Lily. She was my first and best friend, and I pushed her away forever. And after that, I just... [Exhales deeply] Emma: Wasn't great at making friends. August was the rare exception. That's why this is so important to me. There's nothing else going on, really. Emma: What? Hook: Emma. Look. Emma: What the hell is tha... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Hill overlooking Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] Maleficent: It's done. Now let's get to work. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: Snow, you have to tell me. What did you see? Snow White: No. Saying it out loud will make it too... Real. We just have to find a way to help our child save its future. Peddler: Pardon me, but a hand, please. I'm having trouble with my wagon. I'm afraid it's a bit stuck. Prince Charming: Here. Allow me. Peddler: Sorry, it's heavy, overloaded with trinkets. I'm a peddler, but apparently not a very good one. [Chuckles] [Groaning] Peddler: Oh, oh! [Chuckles] Just needed a little elbow grease. Thank you. Uh-huh. Ooh, it's colder than a witch's... foot out here, isn't it? Prince Charming: Here. Some Brandy. Oh. It'll warm you on your journey. Peddler: I never turn down Brandy. [Chuckles] You're too kind. Mmm. Mmm! Kind of nutmeg-y. Snow White: [Chuckles] Keep it. Good luck to you, then. Peddler: Wait. You're going west? Snow White: Uh, that is where our home lies. Peddler: There... there is a terrible sorceress who's taken up residence down that way. They call her... Maleficent. She's just awful. Prince Charming: We know. We've crossed paths. Snow White: Did you hear what happened? She turned herself into a heinous dragon and laid an egg. Snow White: An egg? Yes, the beast made her nest in a cave. She scorched all the earth around it, marking her territory... everyone fled, including yours truly. My recommendation... go east. Prince Charming: The infinite forest? Snow White: We could get lost for days. Peddler: Just stick to the path until you come upon a cottage. There's a kind, old man. He'll help you get where you need to be. Trust me. [Sighs] Snow White: Thank you. Peddler: Safe journey. Mmm! [Shudders] [Sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Infinite Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: There. Apprentice: I was wondering when you would arrive. Snow White: You were expecting us? Apprentice: I sensed you coming. I also sensed that you are at a loss over your child. Uh, why don't you come inside for some tea? I'll explain everything. [Screeching in distance] Snow White: Is that Maleficent? Apprentice: Oh, yes, yes. Do come in. You don't have to worry about her here. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. [SCENE_BREAK] Gold: Now, you know what you have to do. Maleficent: Quite well. The question is, do you? Mr. Gold: Our deal was that you were gonna help me find The Author and our happiness would be secured. Maleficent: Well, I'm altering the deal because, let's face it, you need that page from the book to get The Author. And to do that, you need me. Mr. Gold: Do I? Maleficent: I just put the town to sleep. I'm useful. And we all know Cruella and Ursula were a means to an end... me. That's why you haven't shed one tear over our tentacled friend's departure... because you have me. And to have me means you have to give me what I want. It's, oh, so simple. I need to know what happened to my child after those two heroes got rid of it. I need to know its fate. In return, I will get us both The Author. We'll get you the page. And once I know what they really did to my child, those heroes will pay. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Mary Margaret. [Sighs] David: Mary Margaret, are you okay? Mary Margret: No, I'm not... we made a vow, David, to be good. And ever since Cruella and Ursula arrived, we've done nothing but lie. David: They want to turn Emma dark! Mary Margret: I know! And if we're not careful, we're going to help them. Mary Margret: David, look. They're all asleep. David: Why aren't we? Mary Margret: Maybe because we're immune. We've both been under a sleeping curse. David: But Emma hasn't! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mary Margret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Maleficent: The savior looks a lot less threatening in this state, doesn't she? Cruela: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to wring her scrawny neck right now. Regina: Don't even think about it. I think we can all agree that killing the savior at this point would be ill-advised. [Silverware clatters] Mr. Gold: You're right about that, yet wrong about the location of the page. It's not here. Regina: We just have to keep looking. The page was here two hours ago. It didn't just grow legs and walk out of here on its own. Mr. Gold: Unless someone walked out of here with it. Maleficent: I put the whole town to sleep. Mr. Gold: Except those who have been under a sleeping curse and are immune. I may know a resourceful young man who's wide awake. One who's very protective of the storybook and all its contents... one who's gonna test his mother's commitment, towards helping me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: No one goes near Henry but me. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with one of my fireballs. Mr. Gold: Follow her, and do what's necessary to convince the boy. That page is the key. Let's not lose it when we're this close. Mr. Gold: Where are you off to? Mr. Gold: I have other business to attend to. [Sighs] Mary Margaret: Emma's not with them. What are they after? [Car doors close] [Cellphone rings] [Beep] Mary Margret: [Gasps] Oh, Henry! Henry, are you okay? Where... where are you? Henry: At The Sorcerer's mansion. When everyone fell asleep, I figured the bad guys were up to something and I'd better get the page somewhere safe. Mary Margret: Henry, don't do anything. We are on our way. As long as you have that page, you're in danger. David: Just sit tight, okay? We're heading your way now. Mary Margret: Let's cut around the harbor, it'll be faster. David... David? David: Hang on. I think there's a way we can put a stop to all this. I think... I think we should... destroy the page. Mary Margret: What? David: If we destroy it, Gold can never free The Author and use him to turn Emma dark. Mary Margret: The Author would be trapped inside the book forever! Or it could kill him. Regina wouldn't get her happy ending. David: We don't know that. We just know that she won't get it from The Author. We've gone too far down this path. We have to protect Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: My husband saw happiness for our child. I saw pure terror. But how do we know which of our visions is real? Apprentice: I-I'm afraid they both are. You see, we are all born as blank slates with the potential for good or evil and with the gift of free will, so we can choose between the two, which is why there is an equal chance that either of your visions may come true. Snow White: If the future I saw comes to pass, our child's life will be bleak, full of pain and darkness. Is there nothing we can do to ensure our child's goodness? [Sighs] Apprentice: There is... A way... To banish... The potential for darkness from your child. But as with all magic, it comes with a price. Snow White: Whatever it is, we'll pay it. Apprentice: You see, the laws of magic would not allow me to simply send your child's darkness away. Another living vessel must absorb it... a vessel that is also a blank slate, unformed in the ways of good an evil, just like your baby. If you wish me to perform this magic, you must secure such a vessel. Discuss this amongst yourselves. Make sure you want to proceed. Because once this spell has been enacted, it cannot be reversed. Prince Charming: [Sighs] Banishing darkness from our child into another. Even if it is to save our own, it's... Wrong. Snow White: What if it doesn't have to be a child? The peddler said Maleficent spawned an egg. What if we can use that as our vessel? We've seen what she's like in human and dragon form. Do you really think her dragon offspring will be any different? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Sorcerer's mansion. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: No way! Henry: Grandma, grandpa, you won't believe what I just... Regina: What, Henry? Henry: Mom. What are you doing here? Regina: I'm sorry. I didn't want it to come to this. Maleficent: Looks like we're here just in time. Regina: I told you I could handle this. Cruela: We're not sure you have it in you to be a true disciplinarian. I'd say you shouldn't be alarmed, darling, but I'd be lying. Regina: Lay a hand on my son, and I'll end you. Maleficent: You won't have to do anything as long as he cooperates. Regina: Henry, give me the page. Henry: Mom, no. Regina: Henry Daniel Mills! You will do as I say. Henry: Okay. Regina: As promised. Now, let's find Gold and set this author free. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. [SCENE_BREAK] Ursula: The least that Maleficent could have done for her guards is to throw a little dragon's fire our way. Cruela: [Groans] If I'd known it was this cold, darling, I would have grabbed two more puppies and made mittens. [Thud] Cruela: Darling? Snow White: Over here. [Blows] Cruela: Ooh! [Twinkle] Prince Charming: Come on. It won't last long. [Insects chirping] [Rattling] Prince Charming: What is that, a rattle? Snow White: Looks to me like she hoards anything silver. Look... there it is. A nest and the egg. Prince Charming: Careful. It's as dangerous as she is. [Breathing heavily] [Rumbling] [Growling] [Roars] Prince Charming: Snow! [Grunts] [Screams] Snow White: Torch us, Maleficent, and this burns, too! [Roaring] Maleficent: What kind of people are you, threatening a child? Snow White: Child? This isn't a child. This will become a monster, just like you. Maleficent: And what are you? [Breathing heavily] Snow White: I'm sorry. Maleficent: Wait! Please. Mother to mother, have mercy. I can't lose my child. Snow White: We'll bring the egg back when we're done with it. Maleficent: No! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Sorcerer's mansion. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margret: Henry? Henry?! David: Henry! Mary Margret: Oh! Come on. The villains have to be on their way. Henry: Already been here. David: What? Did they take the page? Henry: They think they did, except my mom, of course. She just gave me a look, and I knew exactly what she meant. You gave them the forged page Emma made. Mary Margret: Smart kid. Where's the real one? David: Oh, great job. Mary Margaret and I are gonna take this and keep it safe. Henry: There's something else. I've found the key. We can free The Author. David: Henry, hold on. Henry: W-what are you doing? David: Uh, we don't know what's gonna happen. Just let us handle things. Henry: But I found the key. David: Henry, it's too dangerous! Go! [Sighs] [Door opens] Mary Margret: So, now we're lying to Henry. [Sighs] If we keep this up, we're no different than Gold. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] [Door bell jingle] Mr. Gold: My love... I need to tell you this while it still matters. My magic comes at a cost, as you know. And I have racked up so much debt I can never be clear of it... Unless I find a way to change the rules. But now... Here's the hard truth. Something else is changing. So, if I'm gonna change the rules, I'm gonna have to do so quickly. [Vehicle approaching] [Brakes squeak] Mr. Gold: I will come back for you if... if I can. [Door bells jingle] [Car door closes] Cruela: What were you doing in there? Mr. Gold: Mind your own business. Did you find the boy? Maleficent: We found the boy. Regina: I found him. Mr. Gold: This is rubbish. Regina: [Scoffing] What? Mr. Gold: It's a fake. You've spent enough time with the book. You should know the difference. Regina: They tricked me. Mr. Gold: What, you think I didn't suspect you? I've been waiting for this moment. I knew it would come. Maleficent. Regina: Wait, I can expl... Mr. Gold: Bring her to her vault. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. [SCENE_BREAK] Apprentice: Yes. This will work. Prince Charming: So, our child's darkness... Apprentice: Will indeed transfer. [Exhales sharply] Apprentice: Let the darkness find its way from tender womb to darkest tomb. And if it sees the light of day on distant shore, where shadows loom... Prince Charming: "Distant shore"? What does that mean? Apprentice: Then let no magic give it form and work no curse, nor magic worse, on innocents of mortals born. Snow White: Sir, we're just sending the darkness into the vessel, right? Apprentice: Well, you would not want anything with darkness like this living on in your realm, m'lady. I am sending it where it belongs, where it can hurt no one here. Prince Charming: What? Prince Charming: No. You didn't tell us that. Snow White: We promised its mother we would give it back. [Thunder crashes] Apprentice: It's too late, I'm afraid. As I told you before, once this spell has been enacted, it cannot be reversed. Snow White: There must be something you can do! [Baby crying] Snow White: Charming, it's a baby! Prince Charming: We can still save it! Ursula: Cradle robbers! Cruela: What have you done?! Snow White: We didn't know this was going to happen! You have to help us stop it! Ursula: Ohh! Prince Charming: What happened to them? Where did that portal send them?! Apprentice: Where they belong. Snow White: The baby. We have to get the baby back! Apprentice: I'm afraid it's lost to you forever. But congratulations. Your child is now pure of intent and heroic of spirit. It is now up to the two of you to guide it... And keep it in the light. Snow White: We told Maleficent we would bring back her child. And now it... Prince Charming: Snow, we didn't know that they were gonna send that egg to another land. Snow White: Charming, we've made a terrible mistake. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Sorcerer's mansion. [SCENE_BREAK] David: We have to do it. Mary Margret: What are we going to tell Henry? David: We tell him... the key was wrong and, uh, uh, the page disintegrated. We'll figure something out, but let's just burn it and worry about it later. Mary Margret: More lies. I can't do this. I gave Henry that book to give him hope, and I'm gonna lie and take it away? And what about Regina? She's finally becoming a friend. I went to her for help with Emma, with our secret. She's kept it. She's risked her life for us. And we're gonna repay her by destroying her chance at a happy ending? David: Well, maybe there's another way. Mary Margret: No, David! When Regina showed me my heart after Cora... after I killed Cora... My heart was dark. And Regina thought it was because of what I did to her mother. But that darkness started long ago. We... have to tell Emma the truth. Because heroes do what's right, not what's easy. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mary Margret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: This whole time, I was right. You were lying. I wanted to believe you. I wanted to believe in you. David: We were just... Trying to protect you. Hook: Emma, are you all right? Emma: No. I'm not okay. I've got to go. Mary Margret: Please, stop. I'm your mother. Emma: I don't care. [Door closes] [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Ragina's Vault. [SCENE_BREAK] Cruella: Well, I say we just slit her throat right now, get it over with. Mr. Gold: No. Cruela: Well, if it's too messy for you, darling, Mal can incinerate her. Mr. Gold: We're doing nothing of the sort. Maleficent: She'll never help us. Mr. Gold: Of course she will. She just doesn't know it yet. I'll have something that the moment she sees it will make Regina do my bidding... Forever. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Docks. [SCENE_BREAK] [Crickets chirping] Hook: Hey. Emma: I'm just gonna need some time. Hook: August is awake. Your parents are with him. Emma: Is he... He's gonna be fine. Your friend... is gonna be fine. [Sighs] Emma: Why did my parents send you? Hook: Well, they didn't think you'd listen to them. [Chuckles] Emma: They were right. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. The Charming's Castle. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: Get it out of here. I don't want it. Prince Charming: What's going on? Snow White: Look what Cinderella sent. Unicorns. Sneezy: I like uni... [Sneezes] Corns. Prince Charming: Sneezy, give us a minute, please. Snow, it's just a mobile. Snow White: A unicorn gave me a vision, which led to us ripping Maleficent's child away. I don't want a reminder of that literally hanging over our baby. [Scoffs] Snow White: What we did is already with me every night when I try to sleep. I keep hearing... Prince Charming: I know. I do, too. But maybe Maleficent deserved what happened. For all we know, she lied about Regina having the dark curse. Regina hasn't even tried using it. Maybe her threat was just words. Snow White: None of that matters. What matters is what we did. I thought we were doing something brave for our child, and we were brave, but we weren't kind. We were selfish. And I think... We are not heroes anymore. Prince Charming: How do we fix it? Snow White: We can't fix it. Maleficent's child is gone. Prince Charming: But, Snow, we're still here. So, how do we fix us? The people we are now, weighed down by all this... is that who we want to raise our child? Snow White: Of course not. But do you really think that redemption is possible? Prince Charming: Yes. I have to believe we can earn forgiveness. A chance at Grace. But to get there, we have to be the best people we can... work, spread hope and faith every day. Because otherwise, what we did will stain us forever. Snow White: And affect our child. The very person we fought so hard to save. Maybe these unicorns are a good thing. Maybe they're here to remind us how easy it can be to lose our way. Prince Charming: And as long as we have each other, we can be the best versions of ourselves. It won't happen overnight. [Chuckles] But we can take the long, hard path. Snow White: [Sniffles] Mm. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Ragina's Vault. [SCENE_BREAK] Maleficent: Now that you're so confident Regina's taken care of, isn't time we took care of my needs? Mr. Gold: You didn't get me the page. You didn't earn your answer. That was the deal. Maleficent: That was the deal. But after all I've been through, I've more than earned my answer. Mr. Gold: I know. And I want to give you a last chance to preserve what you have. Maleficent: What I have is pain. Mr. Gold: And pain fades... Unless you feed it. And this... This could be the meal, you really don't want. Maleficent: Well, I've never seen my child. I don't even know what I had... a boy, a girl. I don't care how much it hurts to know its fate. I need this. Mr. Gold: Now, remember, this was 30 years ago... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Land Without Magic. Before the first curse. [SCENE_BREAK] [Baby crying] Woman: Congratulations. Your adoption is finalized. She's all yours. What will you name her? Dad: Lilith. We want to name her Lily. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Ragina's Vault. [SCENE_BREAK] [Breathes shakily] Maleficent: She's alive. [Exhales deeply] Maleficent: And... Mr. Gold: In this world. Maleficent: I must find her. There has to be a way. [Sniffles] If she's out there... Someone must know her. Emma: August! Emma: How are you? August: A bit tired, but better. Something's wrong. How are you? Emma: I'm fine. August: You forget I know lying. It's a long story. It's not really worth getting into right now, especially when I have a surprise for you. Look what Henry found. August: You did it. That's right. Now, what do you say we let out The Author I have some questions. Mary Margret: Emma, please, think about this. This isn't just what Regina wanted. This is what Gold wanted, too. He was doing it to turn you dark. Emma: I'm not worried about it. Are you? 'Cause now I have some questions about me, and he can tell us everything. August: If he's the one who wrote your story. Emma: What are you talking about? August: Something you need to know about this author... He wasn't the only one. There have been many authors throughout time. It's a job, not a person. And the one trapped in here was just the last tasked with the great responsibility. Emma: Which is? August: To record... to witness the greatest stories of all time and record them for posterity. The job has gone back eons, from the man who watched shadows dance across cave walls and developed an entire philosophy, to playwrights who tell tales in poetry, to a man named Walt. Many have had this sacred job... great women and men who took on the responsibility with the gravity that it deserved... Until this last one. He started to manipulate rather than record. He did something... I don't know exactly what... but something that pushed them over the edge. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. [SCENE_BREAK] Apprentice: How dare you? How dare you force me to do that to that child? Author: It makes for a better story. Apprentice: Return the quill. You are ill-suited for this job. You have abused all the rules. You have lied. You have deceived us. You have forsaken your holy duty, and now... You must be punished. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. [SCENE_BREAK] August: That's why The Sorcerer and his apprentice put him in there. They're the ones who choose The Author, and they took responsibility for their error. Emma: If they did, and he's still in there, he still has the ability to alter the book, to alter the course of things. August: You sure have come a long way from the woman who wouldn't believe. Emma: Yeah. I have. [Emma uses the key on the page and the Author escapes.] Author: [Gasps] Oh! [Grunts] Whoo! Oh. It was cramped in there! I couldn't even reach this. And I was parched. [Chuckles] David: Where did you get that? Author: This? Uh, a nice young couple I met on the road gave it to me. You want some? Sort of nutmeg-y. Mary Margret: You. You are... are The Author? David: The peddler? Emma: We have a lot of questions. [Chuckles] Author: I bet you do. [The Author pulls down a curtain rod and runs away while the Charmings are distracted.] Emma: Hey!
Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who searches for the Author? A: the truth; Q: What did Emma learn from her parents? A: Nine weeks earlier; Q: How long ago did Gold confront Robin Hood? A: New York City; Q: Where was Gold when he confronted Robin Hood? A: Baelfire/Neal's apartment; Q: Where is Robin Hood about to move into? A: Marian; Q: Who did Zelena kill in the past? A: Roland; Q: Who is Marian's boyfriend? A: a heart attack; Q: What does Gold experience that causes him to enlist Robin to save him? A: Zelena; Q: Who is the elixir that Gold stole from Robin Hood switched by? A: her apparent death; Q: What event caused Zelena to travel back in time? A: the Six-Leaf Clover of Oz; Q: What did Zelena use to take on her current form? A: Regina; Q: Who is Zelena trying to steal Robin from? A: a happy ending; Q: What does Zelena want to happen to Gold? A: the present; Q: When does Zelena reveal that she is alive? A: Sherwood Forest; Q: Where did Rumplestiltskin enlist Robin Hood to travel to Oz? A: Rumplestiltskin; Q: Who enlists Robin Hood to travel to Oz to steal the elixir from Zelena? Summary: Emma, still upset upon learning the truth from her parents, searches for the Author, who is later found by Gold. Nine weeks earlier, while in New York City, Gold confronts Robin Hood, who is about to move into Baelfire/Neal's apartment with Marian and Roland. When Gold experiences a heart attack, he enlists Robin to steal an elixir to save him, in exchange for letting Robin stay in the apartment, but after Robin completes the task, Gold discovers that the elixir was switched by Zelena. Following her apparent death, Zelena had traveled back in time (along with Emma and Hook, via her spirited soul) and killed Marian, before using the Six-Leaf Clover of Oz to take on her current form. She then returned and has been posing as Marian, to steal away Robin from Regina, and to make Gold suffer. Now, she wants Gold to have the Author released to give her a happy ending, in exchange for the real elixir. In the present, Zelena reveals on the phone that she is alive to Regina, who is left with no choice but to have Emma become dark in order to save Robin. Back in the past in Sherwood Forest, Rumplestiltskin enlists Robin Hood to travel to Oz to steal the same elixir from Zelena.
In science class Ms. Hatzilakos: The physics of attraction and repulsion is what we're going to explore today using static electricity. So I want all of you to pay careful attention to your experiments and please make sure that you take detailed notes. (JT is playing with the mastodon skeletons and talking in a funny voice.) JT: Will you be my friend Toby Isaacs? Toby: Will you shut up and do your work? JT: Hello! (He pops up, scaring Emma and Manny.) Emma: JT! Manny: Ugh! You idiot. JT: I'm a mastodon and I died ten thousand years ago. Emma: You ruined this! JT: Will you be my friend? Emma and Manny: No! JT: You have the cutest little bones. I bet you say that to all the skeletal mastodons. No, just you. I'm going to kissy kissy you all over. (JT starts making the mastodons hump each other and everyone else laughs.) Ms. Hatzilakos: JT Yorke! JT: Uh sorry Ms. Hatzilakos. (He speaks as the mastodons again) Uh I'm sorry too. No, don't listen to him. He's lying! Ms. Hatzilakos: One week guinea pig duty. Everyday before and after school. Right here with me. The next morning, JT is walking up to the school before it opens JT: Thanks. (He walks into the classroom.) JT: Good morning Ms. Hatzilakos. Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh good morning JT. Okay let's get started. Right this way. So we mainly feed the guinea pigs dried Timothy grass, supplemented with pellets, fresh vegetables. Of course they always need a fresh supply of water. (JT stands in front of the cupboard.) Ms. Hatzilakos: Do you mind? JT: Oh sorry. (Ms. Hatzilakos and JT purposely drops his pen on the ground.) JT: Oh is that your pen on the ground? Ms. Hatzilakos: No. Must be yours. Okay let me introduce you to the brood. Right here we have Jasper, Bismarck and this cutie is Isabella. JT: She's like a big ball of fluff. A really fat ball of fluff. Ms. Hatzilakos: Yeah. She is much bigger than usual. Well look at you. You have the magic touch. Did you ever think of becoming a veterinarian? JT: I tried once, but there aren't enough recipes. Plus I love meat. Ms. Hatzilakos: I uh said veterinarian, not vegetarian. JT: I know. I was just joking. In Mr. Simpson's classroom Mr. Simpson: The medium is the message. Does anyone know who said that? Marshall McLuhan, the godfather of modern media and communications and did you know McLuhan was Canadian? (Mr. Simpson keeps talking.) Sean: Hey. How was your quality time with Ms. Hot Sauce? JT: Hot and saucy. Sean: Full report now. JT: First I did one of these. Oops. (JT drops his pen on the ground and Mr. Simpson picks it up.) JT: Then she bent down to pick it up. Mr. Simpson: JT is this yours? JT: Yeah. Mr. Simpson: You want to pay attention? Okay. JT: Anyways you guys can't imagine the things I saw. In Mr. Armstrong's class Mr. Armstrong: Not bad Gavin, but what exactly is a sexagram? Spinner: That thingy with 6 points. Mr. Armstrong: Uh no, that's a hexagram. Spinner: Oh. Oops. Mr. Armstrong: Come take a look at this. You really need to take another look at your answer for problem number 10. Spinner: Oh that has to be a trick question. (Spinner is leaning over the table and Mr. Armstrong makes a face when he smells Spinner's B.O.) Mr. Armstrong: Uh no. Just uh simple bath, uh math. Julian can I see your assignment please? (Spinner walks back to his desk and Ashley and Ellie make faces when they smell him.) Ashley: Is that Spinner that smells? Should we tell him? Ellie: Honesty never hurts. (She walks over to Spinner.) Ellie: Rule number one of puberty, shower every day. In the hallway Spinner: Dude! Dude! The truth, do I stink? Jimmy: Um yeah actually. You smelled really bad all week. Spinner: Well why didn't you tell me? Jimmy: I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Spinner: Well better I hear from you than Ellie, dude. The truth from now on. Jimmy: You can't handle the truth! (Jimmy shakes Spinner who gives him a weird look.) Jimmy: Jack Nicholson? Spinner: Um okay, but this, it's serious. It's important. Come on let's make a pact. Jimmy: Sure man. Whatever. Spinner: Jim... (Spinner goes to the water fountain and washes his armpits.) In Mr. Armstrong's class Mr. Armstrong: Okay it takes Fred 45 seconds to fill his 10 litre fish tank. How long will it take him to fill his other tanks? Now five of them are 5 litre tanks and ten of them are 2 litre tanks. JT: Yeah uh I think Fred needs to get a life. Mr. Armstrong: Thank you Mr. Yorke. Toby: JT has a life. He's got a new girlfriend. Emma: Really? You mean Liberty, finally? JT: No. Toby: Ms. Hatzilakos. Emma: That is so typical. Manny: No, so JT. Mature and dumb. JT: Why? What's wrong with a younger guy dating an older woman anyway? Manny: There's a rule. The youngest you can date is half your age, plus 7. Emma: So for Ms. H who's what, 30? That's 15 plus 7. Manny: Which is 22 and you're short by a couple of years. Toby: And more than a couple of feet. In Ms. Kwan's class, Ashley is reading a poem Ashley: Milan just stared into the soul of the eclipse and saw the world for what it was. A shadow of black, empty, despairing nothingness. Spinner: Wow. Happy. (Spinner and Jimmy laugh while pretending to cut their arms.) Ms. Kwan: Thoughts anyone? Jimmy Brooks. Jimmy: Oh. Um well I you know thought it was poetic. Spinner: You made a promise dude. Jimmy: Spin shut up. Ms. Kwan: Gentlemen if you have any comments please share them with the class. Jimmy: I don't. Spinner: Oh he does, Ms. Kwan. Jimmy? Jimmy: Okay. Uh I thought you were trying way too hard to be profound and you just lost the story. Honestly it sounded like a suicide note. Ashley: Well I wouldn't expect a conformist to understand. Ms. Kwan: Ashley this exercise is about constructive criticism. Okay we've got about 15 minutes left. Enough time for two more volunteers. Anyone? Steven are you ready to read? In the hallway JT: Hey what's up? Ms. Hatzilakos: JT! I want to show you something. JT: I'll bet she does. (JT and Sean smirk and shake hands.) Ms. Hatzilakos: Well I thought about what you said, about Isabella's weight problem. Well it's not that. She's pregnant. JT: Wow. A hundred little guinea pigs just waiting to be born. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well more like 3 or 4. I could feel them inside her. That's how I realized. Here. (She hands Isabella to JT.) Ms. Hatzilakos: Right there. Can you feel them? JT: Wow. I can't believe Isabella is gonna be a mom. That is so cool. Does she need anything? Like a special diet or something? How about I do some research? Ms. Hatzilakos: That'd be great. That'd be a great help. Thanks JT. In the Media Immersion room Emma: What are you doing here, and on your lunch hour? JT: Just trying to do some research for Ms. Hatzilakos. (Emma looks at the screen and sees that JT is spelling guinea pig wrong.) Emma: Your spelling. JT: Uh there is such a thing as privacy you know. Emma: Yeah I know, but- (She spells it properly and a bunch of results show up.) JT: Oh. Thanks. Emma: No problem. In Ms. Hatzilakos' class Ms. Hatzilakos: Now when Manny rubs the balloons on her hair they become negatively charged and they become attracted to her positively charged hair. Now the moment Manny steps away the balloons repel because they're both negatively charged. Mr. Armstrong: Ms. Hatzilakos can I see you for a second? Ms. Hatzilakos: Um sure. Why don't you continue blowing up your balloons and I'll just be a minute. Sean: Looks like your girlfriend has a boyfriend. JT: Mr. Armstrong is married. Sean: So? Ms. Hatzilakos isn't. JT: She's not like that. Sean: It was a joke. Toby: Yeah remember? You used to tell them. (Toby gets a mastodon skeleton and uses a funny voice.) Toby: Hello! I'm a mastodon. JT: Toby shut up! I'm trying to concentrate. Toby: Sorry Liberty. Sean: So teacher's pet, uh when is Ms. H getting you your own cage? JT: I'm not her pet. Sean: Oh really? Let's see here. We got Jasper, Bismarck, Isabella...JT. (JT puts a couple balloons in his shirt and everyone starts laughing at him.) JT: What's the matter Sean? Huh, you jealous? You want to be my other guinea pig boy? Oh and what about you Toby? My, my, my you're a furry little one. Yeah I'm sure you do. (Ms. Hatzilakos walks in and sees JT with the balloons. She gives him a hurt look and he slowly takes the balloons out of his shirt.) Outside the school Jimmy: Ash and I were this close to reconnecting and you had to ruin it with your stupid honesty pact. Spinner: Dude you did her a favour. She should have thanked you. Jimmy: Yeah well tell her that. Spin sometimes people don't want the whole truth. Spinner: Well then they're stupid. If it was me, I'd want the whole truth enchilada. Ashley: Jimmy. Jimmy: Ash. Um look I'm really sorry about yesterday. Ashley: Actually you saved my story. Jimmy: What? Ashley: You were right. I went through it last night and made some changes and it is way better. I like this new Jimmy. Jimmy: I guess you were right man. All honesty, all the time from now on. Spinner: Good. Uh can I be honest with you? Jimmy: Go ahead. We're tight. Spinner: Okay. You and Ash getting back together, stupidest idea I ever heard. Jimmy: What? Spinner: Well you become this weak, pathetic puppet when she's around and she's the evil puppet master. Here, this is you: Ashley I don't want to go. *makes a whipping sound* Okay. Okay I'm going. *makes another whipping sound* Ow that hurts. Ow! Jimmy: Okay, okay. I get it. Thanks for the honesty. Spinner: Dude, my pleasure. In the courtyard JT: Look. I'm sorry okay? I apologize. Ms. Hatzilakos: Thank you. JT: That's it? Ms. Hatzilakos: Pardon me? JT: I apologized. What more do you want? Ms. Hatzilakos: J.T. do you know why I'm angry? JT: Because of the thing I did. Ms. Hatzilakos: Yes, but do you know why I'm really angry? JT: No. Ms. Hatzilakos: Look you're funny okay, but you're also very intelligent and you're just wasting it by always being the class clown. Just wasting it. JT: Well then I'll just stop wasting your time. I'll transfer out of your class. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well you do whatever it is you need to do. [SCENE_BREAK] In the media immersion room Terri: What are you doing? School's out. Jimmy: Uh it's an honesty list about Spinner. Terri: Are you crazy? Jimmy: No. It's constructive criticism. Terri: 'You're cheap'. Very constructive. Jimmy: Okay don't make me start a Terri list. Top item, nosy. Doesn't mind own business. Outside Ms. Hatzilakos' classroom, the door is locked JT: Oh great. Hello? Oh no. Ms. H! Ms. Hatzilakos! (JT runs outside to try and find Ms. Hatzilakos.) JT: Ms. H. Ms. Hatzilakos: I'm on my way out. JT: Yeah I know, but I need your help. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well my office is open early tomorrow. JT: No it's Isabella. She got out of her cage. Ms. Hatzilakos: What? Oh no! JT: I was just on my way to clean the room and the door was locked. (They rush back inside.) JT: I was just walking by and I saw that she was underneath your desk. The cage! Ms. Hatzilakos: Wait. There she is. Okay shh. Let's be very quiet. JT: Okay. Ms. Hatzilakos: Close the door behind you. Alright try not to scare her. Come on Isabella. JT: I'll try and push her towards you. Ms. Hatzilakos: That's a good girl. Come on! JT: Oh! Go. You go that way. Go that way! Ms. Hatzilakos: Okay, okay! There she is. JT: Quiet. Shh. Ms. Hatzilakos: I got her. I got her. I got her. I got her! JT: Ah. Ow! Ms. Hatzilakos: Ow, my elbow. JT: There she is! Ms. Hatzilakos: Where'd she go? JT: Right there. Right there! Ms. Hatzilakos: Where? Where'd she go? (Isabella crawls into a small space under a desk.) JT: Looks like she just found a dark, safe spot to have her babies. It's what they like to do. I did some guinea pig research on the computer. Ms. Hatzilakos: She's not safe JT. The janitor spread rat poison all around the school because of rodent problems. JT: What?! Ms. Hatzilakos: Yeah. JT: Isabella, come on! Outside the school Jimmy: Sixteen, dances like a stupid robot. Seventeen, bad taste in movies and eighteen, shoots baskets like a girl. Spinner: Okay dude, are you done? Jimmy: Um one more thing. You say dude like every third word. Spinner: Oh yeah well you have a shiny forehead, dude. Jimmy: What?! Spinner: And can you stop copying me? Jimmy: You're the one that copies me! Spinner: Okay poppy seed bagels. The seeds stick to your teeth and you walk around all day like some poppy-toothed freak. Jimmy: Shrimp chips. They make you stink up the change room. Shrimp and B.O. Spinner: You're a bum and you hang out at my house too much. Jimmy: That's because you pee on the toilet seat and my mom doesn't want you over! What?! In Ms. Hatzilakos' classroom Ms. Hatzilakos: Come on Isabella. Come on. JT: Come out. Ms. Hatzilakos: This is all my fault. I think I left her cage open when I fed her. JT: No. No, it's not your fault. Ms. Hatzilakos: Come on! JT: I can't quite reach her. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well it doesn't look like she's coming out any time soon. Look J.T. I can stay. You can go. JT: No. Look can you call my parents? Tell them I'm staying here until Isabella comes out. Ms. Hatzilakos: Okay, but this could take a while. JT: It's okay. Ms. Hatzilakos: Come on. A couple hours later JT: Maybe we have to lure her out. Make it seem more comfortable out here. Ms. Hatzilakos: It's hopeless. If I wasn't so tired- JT: I saw on the net that they like soft music and low light. Hey you ever wonder why they call them guinea pigs? I mean they're not from Guinea and they're not pigs. Ms. Hatzilakos: They're rodents. JT: Exactly. It's like quick sand. Call it quick sand, but it actually works really, really slowly and a boxing ring is square. Ms. Hatzilakos: Stand up comic, huh? Alright. I can see it. JT: So should I give up my dreams of vet-hood? Ms. Hatzilakos: No. You should do exactly what it is that you want to do. Make sure you graduate from school first. JT: Were you always a science teacher? I mean never a, a model? Ms. Hatzilakos: No. Teaching is my life JT and that's why what you did really hurt me. JT: I'm sorry, okay? I really am. Ms. Hatzilakos: Uh J.T. Your plan worked. Look. JT: Hey! Close the door. Ms. Hatzilakos: Alright! JT: Yes! Ms. Hatzilakos: Good job! In Ms. Kwan's class Spinner: Any more honesty you want to share? Jimmy: Um yeah. Your idea sucked. Spinner: Yeah the truth does hurt. Ms. Kwan: Okay, let's take out your copies of the Chrysalis. (Jimmy and Spinner are laughing at the blue ink all over Ms. Kwan's mouth.) Ms. Kwan: Gentlemen is there something wrong? Jimmy: Um, no. Nothing at all, honestly. Spinner: Yeah we were just uh talking about how stunning you look today Ms. Kwan. Ms. Kwan: Okay let's start with the theme. Most featuristic science fiction involves- In Ms. Hatzilakos' class JT: You know I wasn't really gonna transfer out of your class. Ms. Hatzilakos: Really? Oh maybe you should have. The tough part of the term starts today. We got a killer pop quiz. Gotcha. Sean: Hey. Heard you had a little quality time last night with Ms. Hot Sauce. Toby: Yeah so uh throw us a bone here. What happened? JT: Last night, well lights were dimmed, soft music played on the radio. We just looked into each other's eyes. I mean we were this close and... Toby: And?! JT: It was beautiful. Isabella crawled into her cage and had her babies 15 minutes later. Sean: That's it? Toby: That's all? JT: Hey guinea pig childbirth is a very exciting process guys!
Plan: A: J.T.; Q: Who earns two weeks' detention with Mrs. Hatzilakos? A: two weeks' detention; Q: How long is J.T. in detention for taking care of Mrs. Hatzilakos' guinea pigs? A: her pet guinea pigs; Q: What does Mrs. Hatzilakos have that J.T. has to take care of? A: the class's guinea pigs; Q: What does J.T. bond with Mrs. Hatzilakos over? A: Jimmy; Q: Who and Spinner agree to an "all honesty" pact? Summary: J.T. earns two weeks' detention with Mrs. Hatzilakos, taking care of her pet guinea pigs. While doing his job he develops a bond with her over the class's guinea pigs which leads to a crush. Meanwhile, Jimmy and Spinner agree to an "all honesty" pact but are soon at each other's throats.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Off Screen, a phone rings.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Off Screen, the phone continues to ring.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT] Answering Machine: No one is available. Please leave a message. [CLOSED CAPTION READS: ANSWERING MACHINE: This is 469-5256. Please leave a message at the beep.] WHITE FLASH TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT JANE HALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (The answering machine beeps.) (Camera close up of a telephone. There are 64 messages on the answering machine.) Man: (over phone) Jane, you there? Pick up. Okay ... I'll call back later. (JANE GALLOWAY, a blond-haired woman, sits crouched and cowering on the floor against the hallway wall next to the answering machine table. She clutches a baseball bat tightly. The person on the answering machine hangs up. The phone begins ringing immediately. It rings once. The answering machine picks up.) Answering Machine: No one is available. Please leave a message. [CLOSED CAPTION: ANSWERING MACHINE: This is 469-5256. Please leave a message at the beep.] (The answering machine beeps.) Man: (over phone) Slut. You can't hide from me, bitch. Jane, you there? (JANE GALLOWAY is terrorized by the sudden change of message. She looks at her front door. The three locks on her door don't move. She clutches her baseball bat and nervously chews on her fingernails.) Man: (over phone) Now, didn't I tell you ... not to bite your nails?! (JANE GALLOWAY freezes. She realizes that this person over the phone can see her. She gets up and rips the phone cord from the wall, stands and runs to the bathroom at the end of the hallway. She bangs against the bathroom window, both are covered and nailed shut.) (Unable to get the window open, she runs out of the bathroom and back down the hallway into her bedroom and slams the door shut. She frantically looks around and backs herself into her closet. She shuts the door in front of her. She sits in the dark, cowering in fear.) (She opens the closet door a crack and looks out. She sees the bedroom door slowly open wider. Other than that, nothing. Her dog whimpers and scratches at the closet door.) Jane Galloway: Shoo, Peanut. Go away. Go away. (The dog continues to whimper. She opens the closet door and grabs the dog and pulls him in with her. She shuts the closet door again. She pushes herself into the furthest corner of the closet away from the door.) (Two gloved hands suddenly appear out of the darkness her and grab her from behind. She screams. The hands stifle her cries, they cover her mouth. She struggles. She screams. She tries to get away. She fights.) WHITE FLASH TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE - BATHROOM -- NIGHT] (JANE GALLOWAY, is bent over her toilet. Hugging it. CATHERINE snaps a photograph. GRISSOM stands on the side shining his flashlight on the victim. CATHERINE continues to snap photographs.) Grissom: Posed? Catherine: Reading my mind. (CATHERINE moves the camera slightly and takes a picture of something across the room. GRISSOM immediately shines his light there. The bathtub has streaks of red on its rim.) Grissom: What do you make of the smears? (CATHERINE takes out a swab from her kit and moves to collect a sample.) Catherine: It's definitely not blood. Wrong color, texture. (She lifts it up to her nose and smells it.) Catherine: It's hair dye. Grissom: Her hair's still wet. You think the assailant surprised her while she was dyeing her hair? Catherine: Who called it in? Grissom: Neighbor lady -- doing the dishes with her window open. Heard the dog yelping, evidently. Called the cops. (CATHERINE notices the bathroom windows.) Catherine: There's no sign of forced entry. The bathroom window's nailed shut. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE look around. GRISSOM walks out into the hallway and notices the doggie bed against the wall.) Grissom: So, has anyone seen this dog? Catherine: Dog bed, dog bowl, dog food ... no dog. (They both walk out of the bathroom and through the hallway. CATHERINE notices the front door.) Catherine: Triple locks on all the doors. Every shade drawn. State-of-the-art alarm system. As far as we know her place was perfectly hermetically sealed until the cops batter-rammed their way in. Grissom: Prisoner in her own home? Catherine: So, how did he get in? Grissom: A better question -- how'd he get out? HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM] (GRISSOM pushes the curtain away. The living room windows are covered also.) Grissom: Aluminum foil. Catherine: Keeps the sunlight out. GRISSOM: Keeps the eyeballs out, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE - BATHROOM] (Camera close up on NICK. He's staring intently at the victim poised over the toilet bowl. For some unknown reason, this scene disturbs him. He's so intent on the scene in front of him that he doesn't notice GRISSOM enter the bathroom through the door behind him. He doesn't hear GRISSOM approach.) (NICK jumps as GRISSOM appears right behind him.) Grissom: Sorry, Nick. You've been staring at this girl for ten minutes. Do you know her? Nick: (quietly) No. Grissom: Why don't you go do the bedroom? I'll get the coroner in here and finish up in the bathroom. Nick: Sure. (GRISSOM motions to the bedroom. NICK leaves the bathroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE - BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE is looking for body fluids on JANE GALLOWAY'S bed with an ALS. NICK walks in and puts his kit down.) Nick: Hey, Catherine, I'll get that. Catherine: No. I got it. (Without taking her eyes off the bed, she holds out her hand to NICK.) Catherine: Tweeze me. Thank you. (She picks up a single strand of hair and holds it up for NICK to look at.) Catherine: So, what do you think? Nick: A little thick for a human hair. Catherine: No, I've seen them this thick. Nick: Really? Catherine: Yeah. (NICK pulls out a bindle. CATHERINE puts the hair inside.) Nick: I'll get it to the lab. (NICK turns away. CATHERINE stops him.) Catherine: Oh, and don't forget what's under the bed. Nick: Why, what's under the bed? Catherine: Something that you would have caught eventually ... "Crime Stopper" ... (NICK chuckles.) Nick: No one's going to let me live that one down, are they? Catherine: No. You know, now that you're a celebrity, you may want to think about getting a new shirt. Nick: Yeah? Well ... I'm short on options. Besides, the dry cleaners keeps losing my stuff. (NICK lifts up the bedding and glances under the bed where he finds a plastic bag. GRISSOM enters the bedroom.) Grissom: What'd you get? Nick: Grocery bag with a red smudge. Grissom: Good. Fume it. Tell Sara and Warrick to grab a couple shovels and dig in, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (NICK walks through the hallway. As he passes the bulletin board, he stops to glance at the latest issue of the "Crime Stopper" newsletter posted on the boards. On the cover is a front page article on "Nick Stokes", complete with photograph on the right. He sighs and rips the newsletter off the hanging clipboard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM] (As NICK enters the break room, we can hear laughter and giggling. NICK smiles and shakes his head. WARRICK and SARA are sitting at the break table, huddled over the latest "Crime Stopper" issue.) Warrick: Who wrote this? Nick: You're kidding me, right? Warrick: "Nick Stokes, Crime Stopper." (NICK chuckles.) Warrick: You went Hollywood on me, man. Sara: And I quote, "in his off time, he enjoys creating and inventing toys." That's fascinating. What kind of toys do you make, Nick? Nick: I thought I got my hands on all those departmental newsletters. Where'd you get those? (Both WARRICK and SARA look up innocently at NICK. NICK has the article that WARRICK and SARA were reading.) Warrick: Greg. Sara: Greg. Nick: Yeah, that figures. All right, listen, Grissom wants us to divide and conquer. Blond hair for you, Warrick. (NICK hands WARRICK the bagged strand of hair.) Warrick: I do love a blond. (NICK puts the file folder on the table in front of SARA.) Nick: Sara, you're on phone records. Sara: Yay. (NICK slowly leaves the room. He crumples the newsletter on his way out.) Warrick: Hey, I wasn't done reading that. Nick: Yes, you are. (NICK tosses it into the trash can as he leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] Robbins: We know two things for certain. Jane Galloway died from a lack of O2 and she is a natural blond. (ROBBINS and GRISSOM both pause and turn to look at CATHERINE.) Catherine: What are you looking at me for? Grissom: Sorry. So, what -- suffocation? Robbins: It certainly looks that way. (Quick CGI POV to close up of an eye being opened by two fingers. The eyes redden and the skin around the eye turns a blue-ish color. Flash to white. Resume to present.) Robbins: Uh, petechial hemorrhaging in the eyes, deoxygenation led to cyanosis, hence the blue lips ... (Quick Flash to close up of JANE GALLOWAY'S face with focus on her lips turning a bluish-color. Resume to present.) Robbins: ... blue fingertips ... (Quick Flash to close up of fingertips turning a bluish-color. Flash to close up of face with blue lips turning a bluish-color. Resume to CATHERINE.) Robbins: ... and blue face. Grissom: No ligature marks on her neck. Robbins: If she had struggled with her assailant that effort alone could have limited her oxygen intake causing further O2 depletion of the brain ... (Camera close up of JANE GALLOWAY'S head. The camera moves in closer to her forehead and goes through the brain and through the skull to show a tangled maze of nerves and veins as electrical impulses and flashes of light travel its path. Flash to white. Resume to present.) Robbins: Easy kill. Grissom: Sexual assault? Robbins: No physical findings. You'll have to check the kit. Catherine: So, he murders her, poses her, yet he doesn't rob her or rape her. Grissom: So, what's his agenda? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (WARRICK walks into the lab. GREG is sitting at the table reading a "Teen" magazine with Pink on the cover. He doesn't move when WARRICK enters.) Warrick: How's that platinum blond coming? Greg: Wrong question. Warrick: Come on, Greg I'm not getting anything out of trace. I was hoping you could help me out here. Greg: I took a snip, ran a crossed immuno-electrophoresis. (GREG puts his magazine aside and picks up the bag with the hair sample. He tosses it to WARRICK.) Greg: Didn't pass. (GREG goes back to his magazine.) Warrick: Not hair? Not human? What are you reading? (GREG turns the cover over and shows it to WARRICK.) Greg: This is Pink. Pink, this is Warrick. (GREG looks at the cover.) Greg: Do you know how hot you are? Ssss! Warrick: Bet I know someone who's hotter and I'm not talking about looks. (GREG looks at WARRICK.) Greg: Yeah? Warrick: Yeah. Greg: How mad is he? Warrick: Watch your back. (WARRICK leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (NICK is fuming the plastic bag when GREG walks in. He knocks lightly on the door.) Greg: Heard you were looking for me? Nick: Greg. Come here. I want to talk to you for a sec. (GREG hesitates at the door.) Nick: Come on. (GREG walks in and stops when he reaches NICK.) Greg: What's up? (NICK slaps GREG on the back and grasps the back of his neck.) Nick: Stop invading my privacy, man, I don't like it. I'm just trying to do my job around here. I don't need the extra attention. Greg: Okay. But, I mean, you are the one who's doing the "Forensic Spotlight" in the department newsletter. (NICK tightens his grip on GREG'S shoulder. GREG winces in pain.) Nick: I didn't do anything, man. Someone from the community wrote a letter of commendation. Public affairs ran it. Cool? (GREG nods.) Greg: Cool. (NICK lets go of GREG and walks around the tank. GREG sighs and looks into the tank.) Greg: So, uh, what are you fuming? Nick: Plastic bag from the crime scene. I'm trying to get lucky -- see if I can get some prints off it. (NICK opens the top of the tank and starts to fan the fumes. GREG stares intently at the plastic bag inside.) Greg: Did she die of suffocation? (NICK stares at GREG, amazed that he got it in one. GREG still stares at the plastic bag inside the tank. He glances up at NICK when he doesn't get a response.) (NICK catches on that GREG sees something. He moves back around the tank to stand next to GREG. On the plastic bag is the imprint of JANE GALLOWAY'S face.) (Quick flashback to the plastic bag wrapped around JANE GALLOWAY'S head. She struggles and screams. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume to NICK.) (Camera holds on NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (BRASS, GRISSOM and SARA walk through the hallway. GRISSOM is holding an open file folder.) Brass: Did some digging on Jane Galloway. Her boyfriend had a TRO against him. Sara: And according to the phone records the guy called Jane thirteen times the day of the murder. Brass: And that's thirteen times too many according to the restraining order. We're going to check out his house. Grissom: I'll be on my cell. (GRISSOM hands the folder to SARA. She and BRASS leave. WARRICK appears in the hallway.) Warrick: Grissom, you got a second? I got a mystery. (WARRICK leads GRISSOM to the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Microscope view of the strand of "hair" found at JANE GALLOWAY'S residence.) [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Grissom: No becke line. Warrick: Yeah. Grissom: Hair refracts light under cross polarization but glass doesn't. (GRISSOM looks at WARRICK.) Warrick: Well, it's not a hair. It's a synthetic fiber. Glass-- what do you think, fiberglass? Grissom: Maybe. Warrick: This could be a lot of things. Grissom: You'll figure it out. (GRISSOM leaves. Camera holds on WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ADAM PIORIO'S RESIDENCE -- DAY] (BRASS pounds on ADAM PIORIO'S front door. Both he and SARA wait for a response. There's no answer.) Brass: Looks like the boyfriend skipped out on us. (SARA and BRASS leave ADAM PIORIO'S house #25054. As they walk away from the house, SARA notices something.) Sara: Hey, Brass? Isn't that his car? (Sure enough, there's a car parked across the street in front of a Chevron Tahoe with Nevada Plates GRO-480.) (BRASS approaches the car with his gun drawn. SARA is on her cell phone calling it in. BRASS knocks lightly on the side of the car as he makes his way to the front seat to let whomever is in the car know that he's approaching.) Sara: Control, this is P-9241 requesting backup and medical assistance. The 1800 block of Newhaven Road. Possible 419. Dispatcher: P-9241, copy. (In the front seat of the car, a man is hunched over the steering wheel, his face bloodied and bruised.) (BRASS puts on a latex glove to check the man's pulse. SARA unholsters her gun to cover him.) (The man in the front seat jumps as BRASS touches him. This startles BRASS.) Brass: All right, all right. Get out of the car, get out of the car. (BRASS opens the car door and the man gets out of the car. He appears woozy and disoriented.) Brass: Sit down on the ground. Sit down, sit down. Sit down; just sit. (ADAM PIORIO sits down on the road, his back against his own car.) Sara: Sir, are you okay? You all right? You seem injured. Adam Piorio: No, I'm all right. Brass: Are you Adam Piorio? Adam Piorio: Yes. Sara: Any idea how you got this blood? (As if he were just made aware that he's been bleeding, ADAM PIORIO pauses to think about it.) Adam Piorio: I don't remember. Brass: We're going to take you to a place and help you remember. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] Brass: Let's start again. What happened last night? Adam Piorio: I'm telling you, I don't know. Sara: Adam, we're analyzing the blood that we found on your shirt with the blood of your girlfriend. It's going to tell us everything that we want to know. Adam Piorio: Look, we broke up a few weeks ago. She ... she started acting weird for no reason. Sara: She had a TRO against you. Something must have happened to spook her. Adam Piorio: She changed overnight. She... she wouldn't return any of my phone calls. She started calling in sick at work. Barricading herself in her own house. Brass: So, you went to Jane's house. What next? Adam Piorio: We started arguing. (Quick flashback to ADAM PIORIO yelling through JANE GALLOWAY'S chained front door.) Adam Piorio: Open this door. What do you mean I can't come within one thousand feet of you? Open the door. Jane Galloway: (screaming) Stay away from me! (The front door closes. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Adam Piorio: I was afraid she was going to call the cops, so I-I left. Sara: Well, that's interesting because according to her phone records, she never did ... call the cops. Brass: But you called her thirteen times. Once, you're in love. Twice, you're obsessed. More than three, you're a stalker. Adam Piorio: We just broke up. All right, I was ... I was rolling on "e" last night. Give me a break. Sara: Adam? That's not all you were taking last night. Adam Piorio: I was on a lot of stuff last night. I was a space cadet. I'm not a murderer. (CATHERINE walks in.) Catherine: Blood doesn't match our victim. The girlfriend of a Ricco Manzo filed the police report last night. It seems that Adam here put Ricco in the hospital with a broken nose from a fight at bar 9-1-1. Brass: Well, that's a lucky alibi. Roll him out of here. (Two police officers escort ADAM PIORIO out of the interrogation room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (STOCK) - EVENING] [EXT. SIDEWALK TO NICK'S HOUSE - EVENING] (NICK walks up the sidewalk and to his driveway. He's reading the mail. He passes a person by on his trek from the sidewalk to the driveway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NICK STOKE'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (NICK opens his laptop, the basketball game on the television in the background.) E-mail: You've got mail. (He reaches for the remote and turns the television volume up a bit.) On the laptop, the monitor reads: FROM: HORNDOG(a)WEBCT.NET DATE: THURS, 4 APR 2002 1:46:45 PM E FROM: <HORNDOG(a)WEBCT.NET> VIEW PICTURES (284430 BYTES) ... --- Original Message ---- From: Horndog(a)Webct.net (NICK chuckles softly and clicks to view the pictures.) Nick: (to himself) Horndog? It's a blast from the past. (Picture #1's Caption Reads: "Me (sober) and my Mom". Two women standing side by side. The taller woman has her arm around the shoulders of the shorter red-headed woman who is dressed up for the night.) (NICK takes a bite of whatever he's eating and scrolls to the next picture.) (Picture #2's Caption Reads: "Me and Lisa Cutting a rug". Two women are standing back to back both in their party dresses, facing the camera as if dancing with each other. One dark-haired and the other the same red-haired woman from picture #1.) (NICK smiles and nods his head.) (Picture #3's Caption Reads: "Someone Spiked the Punch". The red-haired woman from the previous pictures hugging the toilet bowl in her party dress. She appears to be asleep.) (NICK smiles at the picture and freezes at the realization that he's seen this before.) (Quick flash to JANE GALLOWAY'S crime scene in her bathroom. Flash to white. Resume back to NICK.) (Camera holds on NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LOCKEROOM] Warrick: What did your prom date say when you called her? Nick: She said that she was cleaning out the attic one day stumbled upon them thought she'd send them to me for a laugh. Warrick: You think she's a suspect? Nick: No. She lives in Bosnia, man. Maine or something. She's got three kids. What's she going to do, fly in for murder? (NICK chuckles. Both he and WARRICK are getting ready for work. WARRICK sits on the bench between the lockers and NICK is standing in front of his open locker putting his things on. NICK finishes and closes the locker door. He sits on the bench next to WARRICK.) Warrick: Stranger things have happened. Nick: I don't know. Something in my gut tells me it isn't right. Hey, what if somebody from work tapped into my e-mail? Warrick: No. Nick: Yeah. Maybe I forgot to log off one day. Warrick: No. You're tripping. Nick: No. I'm serious. Somebody had to have read my e-mail. Warrick: Change your password. Nick: I already did. (Camera holds on NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY] (GRISSOM and BRASS are walking through the hallway.) Grissom: How does this relate to the case? Brass: Well, he was an eyewitness, sort of. I mean, he says he had a vision of Jane Galloway's murder hours before it happened. Grissom: He's a psychic? Brass: Well, he has details. He has details that weren't on the news or the press release. (MR. MORRIS PEARSON is sitting alone in the waiting room. He turns slowly when GRISSOM and BRASS enters.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] Grissom: Mr. Pearson. (Mr. Pearson nods his head and starts to get up then sits down when GRISSOM continues.) Grissom: Sit down. Captain Brass tells me that ... uh ... you had some sort of "vision" regarding Jane Galloway's murder. (GRISSOM takes a seat opposite MORRIS PEARSON. BRASS remains standing.) Morris Pearson: Yes, I did. Grissom: What kind of vision? Morris Pearson: Screaming face in a plastic womb. (Quick flashback to someone screaming in a haze of white. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Morris Pearson: Blood shower. (Quick flashback to a close up of a shower head with red blood-colored water. Another close up of red-blood colored water running down the drain. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Anything else? Morris Pearson: Three hearts beating very fast. Two large, one small. (Quick flashback to JANE GALLOWAY struggling against her attacker on the bed. Sounds of hearts beating. Sounds of JANE GALLOWAY'S muffled screams. Peanut, the dog, barks. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (MORRIS PEARSON shakes his head. That's all he has.) Grissom: Okay. Thank you. (GRISSOM stands and starts to leave the room. As he passes BRASS, he whispers.) Grissom: This is your eyewitness? (GRISSOM continues to leave.) Morris Pearson: (o.s.) The dog didn't make it, did it? (This stops GRISSOM as he leaves. GRISSOM turns back to MORRIS PEARSON.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- BREAKROOM - DAY] Catherine: What about Jane's work history? (CATHERINE sits down at the table with her cup.) Sara: Secretary at a brokerage firm. About three weeks from the day of her death she took a leave of absence. Catherine: Medical records? Sara: She saw Dr. Slater. Had a prescription for valium and librium. (SARA shows the report to CATHERINE who takes it and looks at it.) Sara: Severe anxiety due to personal reasons. One day back from leave, Jane quits her job. No notice. Hotel receipts show she checked into the Monaco for two nights. (SARA hands the hotel receipts to CATHERINE.) Sara (cont.): A week before that she goes on a frightened woman shopping spree. (SARA shows CATHERINE the hardware receipts.) Sara: Hardware shop receipts for locks. Locksmiths. Alarm installations. Phone screeners. The voice on her answering machine-- electronic. She change her telephone number. She cancels all but one of her credit cards. Catherine: It's as if she's trying to make herself disappear. Sara: Make no mistake. Jane Galloway was being stalked. Emotional terrorism at its finest. Catherine: And her boyfriend had an alibi? Sara: Here's the, uh, worst part. Uh, I ran a phone check on all her incoming calls. Guess where they were coming from. (CATHERINE looks at the phone record SARA gives her.) DATE / TIME / PLACE & NUMBER CALLED 4/16 / 2:44 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0146 4/16 / 2:56 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0198 4/16 / 5:15 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0287 4/16 / 5:18 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:18 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:18 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:19 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:19 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:19 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:20 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:20 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:20 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:21 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:21 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:21 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/16 / 5:22 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0188 4/17 / 10:48 am / Summerlin, NV 555-0173 4/17 / 04:16 am / Summerlin, NV 555-0189 4/17 / 3:43 pm / Las Vegas, NV 555-0132 4/17 / 12:04 pm / Henderson, NV 555-0173 (She looks shocked when she realizes what SARA found.) Catherine: Inside her house. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM] (In the room next door, MR. MORRIS PEARSON calmly dips a tea bag into his cup. In the observation room, BRASS and GRISSOM sit and watch as MORRIS PEARSON watches his tea bag.) Brass: So I ran Merlin's, uh, credit card with his permission. Do you know where he was the night of the murder? Monaco Hotel. Room 834. Guess who was in the adjoining room? Jane Galloway. (BRASS looks at GRISSOM. GRISSOM looks at the interrogation room next door. MORRIS PEARSON continues to calmly dip his tea bag into his cup. He raises his head and looks at them as if he knows that they're looking at him.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL MONACO - ROOM 834 -- DAY] (MORRIS PEARSON stands facing the connecting room door.) Grissom: Why didn't you tell us you were staying here? Morris Pearson: I didn't know she was your victim. Brass: According to the front desk you placed a call to Jane Galloway's room at, uh 9:12 P.M.? Lasting 21 seconds? Grissom: May I ask what you two were talking about? Morris Pearson: Energy. (Quick flashback to JANE GALLOWAY in her room unpacking her bag when the phone rings. JANE GALLOWAY gasps and stares at the phone. Cut to JANE GALLOWAY answering the phone.) Jane Galloway: Hello? (Cut to MORRIS PEARSON on the phone.) Morris Pearson: I'm calling from the next room. I don't mean to alarm you but I'm feeling some negative energy coming from your room. (Cut back to JANE GALLOWAY slamming the phone on the receiver without responding. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on MORRIS PEARSON.) (MORRIS PEARSON looks over at GRISSOM.) Morris Pearson: S-she wouldn't talk to me. I-I get that a lot. Grissom: But evidently, you called her back. Morris Pearson: Yes, she picked up, and hung up. Brass: Phone records say that she received three calls. Morris Pearson: Twice, I believe. Grissom: The front desk records also show that she checked out that night. And you checked out shortly thereafter. Why? Morris Pearson: Well, she was suffering, and I shared her fear. Seems my intuition was accurate, as it turns out. (MORRIS PEARSON turns back to face the connecting room door. He sighs. He puts out a hand to the closed door.) Morris Pearson: You don't believe me, do you? Grissom: Mr. Pearson, I'm a scientist. Morris Pearson: And I am a clairvoyant. You see science without abstractions. I see visions with abstractions. (MORRIS PEARSON turns to face GRISSOM.) Morris Pearson: Am I less credible than you Mr. Grissom? Grissom: These visions that you've had in the past ... nothing specific triggered them? Morris Pearson: Sometimes a touch or an object. Grissom: Fear? Morris Pearson: Sure. Grissom: And you were hoping to heal Jane Galloway? Morris Pearson: I was only hoping to comfort her. I'm bound by that obligation. Grissom: So, these visions you told us about earlier? These are the only ones you've experienced? Morris Pearson: I have more. (MORRIS PEARSON closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.) Morris Pearson: Locks. (Quick flashback to the three locks on JANE GALLOWAY'S front door and hands frantically locking them. Flash to white. Resume to present.) Morris Pearson: Three locks. Hanging ... ghosts, hanging ghosts. (Quick flashback to the inside of a closet. Cut to an attic. Flash to white. End of flashback.) Morris Pearson: ... Chest to back, back to chest. A frames, wooden beams ... church dark. (MORRIS PEARSON sighs.) Morris Pearson: That's it. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS SUBURBIA (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE -- DAY] (Close up of JANE GALLOWAY'S front door and its three locks. The door slowly opens. GRISSOM walks in. MORRIS PEARSON follows. An officer stands outside the front door. GRISSOM closes the front door. MORRIS PEARSON looks around and turns to face GRISSOM. GRISSOM points to the locks.) Grissom: Are these the three locks you saw? Morris Pearson: Yeah ... they-they seem different, though. Perhaps it's the angle. Grissom: What do you mean? Morris Pearson: It seemed ... I was looking down on them. (MORRIS PEARSON looks up at the ceiling. GRISSOM looks up at the ceiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (MORRIS PEARSON walks into the bedroom. GRISSOM follows. He watches MORRIS PEARSON. MORRIS PEARSON stops in front of the open closet door with hanging clothes in it.) Grissom: Is this what you saw? Morris Pearson: Yes ... only it was ... Grissom: ... from above. (MORRIS PEARSON nods slightly.) (GRISSOM takes out his flashlight and shines the light into it. He looks up into the closet. In the back of the closet behind her things, he sees the hole in the ceiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JANE GALLOWAY'S HOME - ATTIC - DAY] (GRISSOM walks gingerly across the attic floor. He sees some areas where the floorboards are removed with the insulation. He kneels down and notices a small corked hole in the board with a label, "LIVING ROOM". He uncorks the hole and peers through it.) (Cut to CATHERINE walking in JANE GALLOWAY'S living room. She's carrying her CSI kit. Her cell phone rings. She answers it.) Catherine: Hello? Grissom: (on phone) Pick a number between two and five and indicate it with your fingers. (CATHERINE puts her kit down.) Catherine: Why? Grissom: (on phone) Please humor me. (CATHERINE does a complete turn around, scanning the room looking for GRISSOM. She doesn't see him. She holds up four fingers.) Grissom: (on phone) Four. Thank you. (CATHERINE'S eyes widen at his accuracy. She still can't see GRISSOM.) Catherine: Where are you? Grissom: (on phone) Look up. Jane's bedroom closet has a door to the attic. (Cut back to close up of the hole looking down at CATHERINE one floor below. CATHERINE looks back up at the ceiling. She's holding four fingers up.) (GRISSOM turns off his cell phone and puts it away. He notices the fiberglass insulation and picks up a small pinch of it for closer examination. He tosses it aside and continues his search in the attic.) (On the far wall near the attic window, he sees a red phone hook-up spliced into the current phone system. He moves closer to look at it. He clips the phone to the exposed wires and picks up the phone.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK'S cell phone rings. He answers it.) Warrick: Warrick. Grissom: Warrick, Grissom. You know that blond fiber we were looking at? Warrick: Fiberglass insulation -- comes in pink and yellow. But you already knew that. Is that why you're calling? Grissom: Not really. I was checking a phone line. But good work. Warrick: Yeah. (WARRICK hangs up his phone.) (Cut back to the attic. CATHERINE climbs up into the attic.) Grissom: He tapped into her second line. He's got a peep hole into every room. They're labeled. CATHERINE uncorks the hole labeled, "BATHROOM". She peers down at MORRIS PEARSON. He looks back up at her.) Catherine: Uh, Gil, there's a, uh ... Grissom: (casually) Yeah. He's our psychic -- Mr. Pearson. Catherine: Right. (CATHERINE stands up and starts looking around the attic.) Grissom: You know, I don't think this thing was about s*x at all. I think it was about control, voyeurism. Jane was like his, uh, little goldfish. Catherine: Then why kill her? And why ... leave all this stuff behind? (CATHERINE looks inside an uncovered box with a lot of electronic equipment inside. GRISSOM joins her.) Catherine: Interesting collection of toys. (She picks one up.) Catherine: Digital camera ... with a fiber-optic lens. (Quick flashback to JANE GALLOWAY in her bathroom sitting on the toilet. Flash to white. Resume to present.) Grissom: Night vision goggles. (Quick flashback to gloved hand uncorking the hole labeled, "BEDROOM." Green-tinged view of JANE GALLOWAY sleeping. Cut to view of person using the camera through the hole in the attic. Flash to white. Resume to present.) Catherine: Digital recorder. (Quick flashback to person holding the recorder over a hole in the attic. Camera focuses on JANE GALLOWAY'S toes and her painting her toenails red. Flash to white. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE puts the camera down.) Catherine: I'm guessing he's got microphones all over the house. Grissom: Probably. (CATHERINE sighs.) Catherine: Same question -- how did he get in? (GRISSOM looks up at the only window in the attic. CATHERINE stands to check the window latch out.) Grissom: Well, this only opens from the inside. So at some point it's possible that Jane let him in. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JANE GALLOWAY'S ROOF -- DAY] (CATHERINE walks down the attic roof. GRISSOM gives her hand.) Catherine: Thank you. (They both stand on top of the roof looking out at the neighborhood below.) Catherine: So. Who do we let into our homes every day? Grissom: Well, pretty much ... if you got a uniform on, you can walk right in the front door. (On that day alone, the gasman closes his truck door. Across the street, another uniformed man in a yellow truck carrying a kit walks toward a house. The camera angles on the many satellite dishes on roofs of a couple of houses.) Catherine: So, we go through her bills and we see which utility companies worked on her house. [SCENE_BREAK] (SARA walks toward a man standing next to a truck. She's carrying a file folder and stops to speak with him.) (Cut to CATHERINE stopping two men carrying a roll of carpet.) (Cut to GRISSOM approaches the local meter reader.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE #23422 -- DAY] (NICK and WARRICK walk up the driveway to house #23422. NICK instantly recognizes the truck in the driveway. WARRICK follows behind.) Nick: Luna Cable. Good company, same as mine. One hundred fifty channels. I'm telling you, you got to get it, man. The last three weeks have been heaven. (They both walk up the outside stairs to the second floor front door. Behind them, a man with glasses walks by. He's wearing a utility belt and watches them walk up the stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NIGEL CRANE'S RESIDENCE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (NICK knocks on the front door. It opens slowly. The door wasn't closed nicely.) Nick: Mr. Crane? (NICK and WARRICK slowly walk inside.) Nick: Nick Stokes, Criminalistics. (A cell phone rings. WARRICK answers it.) Warrick: Hello. Hello? I-I can't hear you. H-hold on. (WARRICK steps back outside the house to answer the phone. NICK continues deeper into the apartment.) Nick: Mr. Crane, your door's open. Just want to ... ask you a couple questions. (NICK glances down the empty hallway. Cut to WARRICK standing outside the front porch.) Warrick: I can hardly hear you. We're at the, uh, satellite guy's house that installed Jane's cable. (Cut back to inside the house where NICK notices drops of something on the floor. He puts on his latex gloves and moves toward it to investigate.) (The drops end at the cabinet. NICK opens the cabinet and pulls out the trash bin. He digs through the trash. Behind him from above, a pair of legs silently lower themselves to the floor from the pantry ceiling.) (NICK continues to dig through the trash where he finds on the bottom buried under everything else, a single red-stained latex glove. Behind him, the man successfully lowered himself to the kitchen floor without NICK noticing him at all. NICK holds up the latex gloves. NICK glances up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NIGEL CRANE'S RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Just outside the front door, WARRICK is still on the phone. From the window beside him, NICK crashes through the second story window and falls backward to the ground below.) Warrick: Nick! (WARRICK glances down below at NICK who is not moving. He turns around and pulls out his weapon. He rushes cautiously into the house and peers down the empty hallway. He slowly backs out of the house and calls for assistance on his cell phone.) Warrick: (to walkie-talkie) Patrol. Request immediate backup. Immediate backup. Officer down. I need emergency medical assistance! Eight-two-six ... (He exits the house and back down the stairs to render aid to NICK who hasn't moved from his position down in the bushes below. WARRICK hangs up and checks NICK who still hasn't moved.) Warrick: Nick! Nick. HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - NICK'S ROOM] (The doctor just finishes checking up on NICK who's asleep in the hospital bed. The doctor leaves and walks out of the room.) [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY OUTSIDE NICK'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS] (SARA and CATHERINE stand as the doctor exits NICK'S room to give them an update. GRISSOM and WARRICK are also there.) Doctor: Concussion, two cracked ribs, sprained wrist, five stitches to the forehead. It could have been a lot worse. Warrick: But 's going to be all right? Doctor: He needs rest. But I don't see why he can't go home relatively soon. Grissom: Thank you, doctor. (The doctor leaves.) Warrick: Damn it. Grissom, this guy was right there. I could have had him. Grissom: You helped out Nick. That was the right thing to do. Warrick: Doesn't feel like the right thing. Catherine: You know, Nick was alone. The Stalker could have killed him and didn't. Grissom: Yeah, I wonder why. Let's go back over there. (CATHERINE is already walking down the hallway, WARRICK straightens to follow.) Warrick: I'm going with you. (GRISSOM puts a restraining hand on his shoulder as he turns to leave.) Grissom: No, no. You need to calm down a little. Talk to Nick when he wakes up. (SARA remains behind in the hallway next to WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NIGEL CRANE'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM stand in front of the living room window. The same window NICK was pushed out from. GRISSOM is reading from a clip board he carries.) Grissom: Nigel Crane, age 37. No criminal record. Working for Luna Cable for eleven years. No immediate family, lives alone. Last seen by co-workers two days ago. No priors. Catherine: Not a stick of furniture ... except for a computer and a chair. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE both look at the laptop on the crate against the wall and the chair in front of it. CATHERINE puts her kit down to examine the window more closely. GRISSOM walks forward examining the ceiling as he goes.) (GRISSOM enters the kitchen and immediately notices the step ladder in the pantry. He puts the clip board on the counter and glances up at the door in the pantry ceiling. He turns off his flashlight and turns on the pantry light. He climbs the step ladder and pushes the ceiling door open.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NIGEL CRANE'S ATTIC - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM reaches up and turns on the attic lights. He glances around and sees all the comforts of home. He also sees the video tape library and various electronic surveillance equipment. All the video tapes are labeled and dated.) CUT BACK TO: [INT. NIGEL CRANE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE opens the cabinet door and pulls out the trash bin. She starts going through the trash when GRISSOM falls to the pantry floor with a loud thud, scaring CATHERINE.) Catherine: (startled) What the hell?! (GRISSOM points to the attic.) Grissom: He lives up there. Not down here. Works, sleeps changes his clothes ... everything in the attic. He looks down on the world separating himself from others. Fascinating, really. Catherine: Well ... you're going to love this. (CATHERINE points to the side of the trash bin. There's a long streak of red on its inside.) Grissom: Red dye. Catherine: Yup. Now what? (GRISSOM holds up a digital tape.) Grissom: Dinner and a movie? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (On the television monitor, a montage of clips of various people walking on the streets of Las Vegas is shown.) (GRISSOM, CATHERINE and ARCHIE JOHNSON watch NIGEL CRANE'S library. The stack of video tapes are on the table in front of GRISSOM.) Nigel Crane: (v.o. on tape) Walking pukes. Soulless, lost, useless, sick puppets. Little sheep looking for direction. Gullible ... (video fizz) From an airplane they used to look like ants. And now ... they're all ants all the time. You squash one ... (The video clips are intermixed with video clips of NIGEL CRANE himself.) Catherine: Well. Just think, this is only tape one. Nigel Crane: (v.o. on tape) They all start running around in a panic. (Camera holds on GRISSOM as he watches the tape.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY] Doctor: Now, these painkillers are the real deal, okay? Don't overdo it. Plenty of rest. No work for at least a week. (The doctor hands the medication to WARRICK. NICK is sitting in a wheelchair and SARA'S behind him.) Sara: Will do, thank you, doctor. (The doctor leaves. SARA pushes the chair and they all walk down the hallway.) Nick: The gloves, you find them? Warrick: Catherine thinks he might have got away with them. But, uh, Grissom did find some wacky video collection. Nick: Of what? Sara: (interrupting) Now, did you not just hear the doctor? You're supposed to rest. We're on it, okay? Warrick: Yeah, relax, Ironside. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VIDEO LAB - NIGHT] (CATHERINE, GRISSOM and ARCHIE JOHNSON continue to watch the video tapes. The current one in the machine is the night vision view of JANE GALLOWAY sleeping.) Nigel Crane: (on video) I see you, Jane. Do you feel me? Do you feel me? (The video tape fast forwards.) Nigel Crane: (on video) You ... you will never get me. No. Not the way he does. And we all get what we deserve. And I ... I got a friend. (SARA and WARRICK enter the lab.) Sara: How's it going? Grissom: How's Nick doing? Sara: Well, groggy. How's the epic? Catherine: Epic. Warrick: Gotten any clues as to where this guy might be? Grissom: Not really, not yet. (CATHERINE sees something on the video screen.) Catherine: Archie, freeze it. (The video tape pauses. CATHERINE points to the screen.) Catherine: Do you see that behind him? To the left hand of the screen? Can you focus the pixels? (ARCHIE JOHNSON starts typing. He click and drags the area CATHERINE points to and enhances the image.) Archie Johnson: Okay, we're now at 26 times magnification. Rendering at 1086 lines. (The image enlarges and clears. It's the article of NICK.) Catherine: That's the "Crime Stopper" article. Grissom: Isn't our newsletter for in-house only? Catherine: Do you think he knows Nick? Warrick: He may know him well enough to read his e-mail. Sara: Found that photo of Nick and his prom date. Used Jane Galloway to emulate the photo? Grissom: Why would he do that? Why Nick? Sara: Nick has satellite cable, right? Warrick: Lunar Cable- a hundred and fifty channels. Grissom: Wait a minute we've been doing this the wrong way. We need to see the last tape. (GRISSOM turns around to the stack of tapes on the table behind him. He digs out the last tape and hands it to ARCHIE JOHNSON.) Grissom: Archie, play this. (ARCHIE hits play. Video camera close up of NIGEL CRANE instantly appears on screen.) Nigel Crane: (on tape) It's like he, he's ... he's the kind of guy I always wanted to, um ... to be. And that's why it's so great, because ... we're friends now. I feel like I can count on him, you know? And you know what? I think if it came right down to it he would lay his life down for me. Ask him. A-a-ask Nick. Nick, would you let me stop your heart? [SCENE_BREAK] (Camera close up of a prescription container with the following information on it: DESERT PALMS HOSPITAL (NAME) STOKES, NICK (FILL DATE) 4/17/02 PHONE NO. 555-0190 TAKE ON TO TWO TABLETS ... EVERY FOUR HOURS. VICODIN (EXPIRES) 04/17/03 (REFILL) 0 (BY) 11/17/02 [INT. NICK STOKE'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (NICK takes some tablets with a drink of water. He settles himself slowly and painfully on his sofa. He leans back and closes his eyes. There's a knock at the front door.) Nick: Who is it? Morris Pearson: (o.s.) My name is Pearson. Morris Pearson. We haven't met. I worked with Mr. Grissom on the Jane Galloway case. (NICK gets up off the sofa and walks to the front door.) Nick: It's almost one in the morning. What do you want? (NICK peers through the peep hole. It's MORRIS PEARSON.) Morris Pearson: I've had more visions. Please let me in. (Nick opens the door.) Nick: Yeah, maybe but look ... (MORRIS PEARSON immediately steps into the house. NICK tries to get him to leave, but MORRIS PEARSON is insistent and continues to walk into the house. He rambles as he walks.) Morris Pearson: Please, please let me in. Nick: I can't just let you in my... Morris Pearson: Please, please, please... Nick: Hey, hold up. Morris Pearson: I saw this house. I saw this house, I saw the number I saw the street name. Something is wrong here. Something terrible is going to happen here Nick: Sir ... Morris Pearson: I can feel it. Nick: Sir. Sir ... You're going to have to leave. Morris Pearson: Please, please, listen to me. Nick: Get out of here. Morris Pearson: (yells desperately) Listen to me! (Both men stop yelling at each other.) Morris Pearson: I saw the address. I saw this address. Nick: You saw my address? (NICK looks at MORRIS PEARSON. He walks slowly toward him. MORRIS PEARSON continues to walk into the house.) Morris Pearson: Yeah, but that's not it, that's not it. I saw, I saw ... I saw crashing. I saw ... falling and crashing-- I saw somebody seeing through the back of his head. I don't know, I don't know ... (MORRIS PEARSON stops walking in NICK'S living room. He suddenly swings around to look at NICK.) Morris Pearson: Green tea! Green tea! Does that mean anything to you? Green tea? Nick: I don't know. (NICK sighs and shakes his head. NICK'S phone rings.) Nick: Just ... (he answers it.) Hello? Grissom: Nick, listen, he's been in your house. Nick: Who? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] Grissom: Nigel Crane, the Stalker. Brass is one his way with two uniforms to put at your door. Nick: Yeah, well, I'm not alone. Grissom: What? Nick: Your psychic's here. Grissom: Good, keep him there. (GRISSOM hangs up the phone.) CUT BACK TO: (NICK hangs up his phone. He takes out his weapon from the cabinet beside the phone and turns to find MR. PEARSON. Only, he's not in the living room anymore.) Nick: Mr. Pearson. (Gun cocking.) Mr. Pearson. Mr. Pearson ... (NICK walks down the hallway. He checks the room. He checks the back door. It's locked and chained. He looks out the window. He doesn't see anything.) Nick: Mr. Pearson, you back here? (He walks back the hallway and looks in the next room. The wood floors creak. He hears a muffled thump.) (NICK stands still and listens. He looks up at the ceiling. He holds his gun pointed at the ceiling and slowly walks back to the living room. From up above, we see that his living room carpet has a large, green letter "T" in the center.) (NICK holds his gun drawn upward. A body crashes through the ceiling roof and down to the living room floor. Ceiling plaster and dust plumes everywhere. NICK drops his gun. Through the dust, NICK recognizes MORRIS PEARSON. He moves closer to check the man's pulse when NIGEL CRANE jumps down through the hole in the ceiling startling NICK.) (NICK notices NIGEL and reaches for his gun. NIGEL'S quicker and picks it up first.) Nigel Crane: Oh, man. You got to ... you got to watch who you let in here. Guy was snooping around all over the place. You know, smart move. Spare gun. (NIGEL CRANE slaps the side of the gun twice. He moves backward and points to the cabinet by the phone.) Nigel Crane: Ah. Keep it right by the phone right? Right next to your address book and, and take out menus. (NIGEL CRANE checks the front door.) Nick: Cops are on their way. Nigel Crane: Yeah. I heard that. (NIGEL CRANE moves to the living room and pulls down the blinds. That's when NICK notices it.) Nick: You wearing my clothes? Nigel Crane: Oh, yeah. I'm ... (NIGEL CRANE looks back proudly at NICK. He exhales deeply. Nigel Crane: You know, I-I-I picked these up at the dry cleaners and I ... I hope you don't mind. It's just that ... I'm sorry I, I just get a little confused about what's yours and what's mine. Nick: You know what? I'm a little confused here myself. Uh, why don't you refresh my memory. When did we meet? (NIGEL CRANE looks incredulously at NICK. He snorts.) Nigel Crane: Sports package. Hundred fifty channels. I-I-I even threw in a few movie channels. Free. We-we-we talked, like, forever. I mean, it's like I knew you my entire life. Nick: You installed my cable. Nigel Crane: Yeah. The ... the minute I met you I knew we connected. Because you told me what you did and I knew exactly what you were talking about, because ... that's what I do. I do it, too. You know, I observe people. I-I-I notice everything about them. I watch them. All the time. Nick: Like you watched Jane Galloway? Nigel Crane: Jane was cool. But, um, it would have never worked out between us, you know. Never. I mean, she had a boyfriend and she was kind of stuck up. And you know what, she would have totally, totally gotten between us. So, you know, consider that a gift. Nick: A gift? Nigel Crane: Yeah. Prom night. Your date. Melissa. (Quick flashback to the photograph of MELISSA over the toilet bowl fast asleep. White flash to JANE GALLOWAY poised over the toilet seat dead. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nigel Crane: Bent over the toilet puking her guts out. Is that ringing any bells, huh? Nick: Yeah. Nigel Crane: You know, I mean, Jane's hair was the wrong color but, you know obviously, I fixed that. Because I know how much you love redheads. You know, you ... you mentioned her name in your sleep. Nick: You watch me sleep? (NIGEL CRANE looks down at MORRIS PEARSON.) Nigel Crane: You, um ... you want to open him up? (NIGEL CRANE crouches low over the body.) Nigel Crane: Hmm? Nick: No, no, it's, uh ... it's not my job. You should know that. It's the coroner's gig. (NICK crouches over the body.) Nigel Crane: Are you humoring me, Nick? (NICK shakes his head.) Nick: No. Nigel Crane: You know ... we made friends that day and every time since you just blew me off. Do you know that? You just completely blanked me. (Quick flashback to NICK walking up the sidewalk looking through his mail. A man walks by on the sidewalk. NICK passes him and walks up his driveway.) Nigel Crane: (V.O.) You are so self-absorbed. (White flash to a close up of the man, NIGEL CRANE, looking back at NICK. White flash to NICK and WARRICK walking up the stairs to NIGEL CRANE'S house. NIGEL CRANE is down on the steps below watching them walk up to his front door.) Nigel Crane: (V.O.) I was right in front of your face. (Flash to white. Resume to present.) (NIGEL CRANE stands up. Now that he thinks about it, he's pretty upset at being ignored.) Nigel Crane: Manners, Nick! Manners! Nick: Hey, now, Nigel, now we got a D.B. here, huh? You're going to help me with the crime scene, right? Nigel Crane: No, no, I'm going to ... I'm going to ... (NIGEL points the gun at NICK.) Nigel Crane: ... give you a brand-new one. I'm going to do better than that. I'm going to give you the best you ever had. Stand up, Nick. Stand up. (NICK stands.) Nigel Crane: Nick, you know what a nine-millimeter slug does to a skull at close range? You know? (NIGEL CRANE pulls his gun back and holds it in front of his face.) Nick: Yeah. Nigel Crane: Blow it right apart, right? Brains like strawberry swirled. Whipped cream, everywhere. And you. (NIGEL points the gun back at NICK.) Nigel Crane: You'd have to scoop that stuff up, right? Yeah, little pieces of skull and bone and brains. All in individual baggies with the victim's name on the label. Nick: You know I don't want to disappoint you, Nigel, but this isn't the first time I've had a gun in my face. (NICK takes a step toward NIGEL.) Nick: How do you want this to end, Nigel? Nigel Crane: How do I want this to end? I want you to be able to remember my name. (NIGEL CRANE pulls the gun back from NICK and toward his own throat. NICK quickly realizes what NIGEL CRANE has planned and lunges for the gun. The two struggle for its possession.) (At the same time, POLICE OFFICERS batter ram through the front door crashing it in and splintering the door frame. BRASS and several OFFICERS rush in to the house, their guns drawn.) Officer: Gun! OFFICER: Get down! Get down! (NICK successfully gains possession of the gun, holds it up at the ceiling and takes a step back. The OFFICERS manage to subdue NIGEL CRANE.) Officer: Put him down. OFFICER: Cuff him. OFFICER: Get him secured. Brass: Hey. (BRASS turns to support NICK, who breathes heavily with the effort.) Brass: It's, it's done. All right? (NICK nods and breathes heavily.) Nick: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] (NIGEL CRANE sits alone at the table in the interrogation room continually murmuring the same line over and over again. Through the reflection in the glass, we see NICK watching from the observation room next door.) Nigel Crane: (murmuring) I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? [INT. OBSERVATION ROOM] (Also in the Observation room, CATHERINE, GRISSOM, WARRICK and SARA watch with NICK.) Nick: Why me? Grissom: I don't think it was about you, Nick. Or Jane Galloway, for that matter. I think it was more about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. His premise is that social beings strive to belong. In Nigel's mind, Jane Galloway was someone he could control which was okay for a while but you ... you were someone he could actually become. See, Maslow's Fifth Tier of the Hierarchy is Self-Actualization. Nigel Crane: (V.O.) I am one, and who am I? GRISSOM: The problem for Nigel is that you would have to die in order for that to happen. Or else he would. (In the room next door, NIGEL STANDS up and slowly walks toward the two-way mirror.) Nigel Crane: (background) I am one, and who am I? (Cut to SARA and WARRICK sitting in the back of the observation room.) Sara: Twenty-five years to life, Nick. It's over. Nick: It's not over for me. It's over for Jane Galloway. Catherine: (sighs) Well, we should get back to the lab. (CATHERINE stands an puts a comforting hand on NICK'S shoulder.) Grissom: Yeah. (GRISSOM also stands. In the back, WARRICK and SARA move toward the door. They slowly exit the room.) (NICK hasn't moved yet. Through the two-way mirror, he watches NIGEL CRANE who walks along the mirror murmuring to himself the same line over and over again.) Nigel Crane: I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? (He holds out both his hands in front of him as if reaching for something in front of him. NICK still doesn't move.) Nigel Crane: I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? I am one, and who am I? And who am I? (Two officers take NIGEL CRANE away. NICK is left standing there in front of the mirror.)
Plan: A: a nervous breakdown; Q: What is Jane Galloway waiting to happen? A: the outside world; Q: What has Jane Galloway shielded herself from? A: her attic; Q: Where is Jane Galloway's stalker hiding? A: her hair; Q: What was dyed when CSI arrived at Jane Galloway's house? A: her face; Q: What was shoved in the toilet? A: the toilet; Q: Where is Jane Galloway's face found when CSI arrives? A: a heavy impact; Q: What effect does the image of Jane Galloway have on Nick? A: the CSI; Q: Who is the next target of the stalker? Summary: Jane Galloway is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. She has completely shielded herself from the outside world, but that doesn't stop a stalker in her attic from killing her. When CSI arrives, they find her hair dyed and her face shoved in the toilet. This image has a heavy impact on Nick, and they soon realize that this stalker is well acquainted with Nick, which makes the CSI the next target.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling? Penny: Ooh, me. Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group. Penny: Thank you all for this high honour. Sheldon: I've seen pictures of your mother, keep eating. Howard: All right, honey, if we're gonna make the movie, we should go. (Raj stands) This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée. (Raj whispers to him) Yeah, well, now it means her. Bernadette: It's okay if he wants to come. Howard: Fine. But next time, we get a sitter. Penny: All right, I got to go to work. I'll walk down with you. Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory? Howard: Neither of them are close. Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn't matter which one of you drives me. Let's play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer's type size or a compulsion to eat dirt. Penny: Okay, I'm not driving him. Sheldon: No, Penny, don't give up, you can get this. Leonard: Aren't you going with Sheldon? Amy: No, I have no interest in model trains, stores that sell them, nor their heartbreaking clientele. Leonard: Oh. Well, I have some work to do, so... Amy: I can't imagine that would disturb me. Carry on. Leonard: Okay. Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home? Amy: Not really, no. Leonard: All righty then. Guess I'll just get started. Amy: Leonard, please. I don't need the running commentary. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Amy is staring into space. Leonard: Amy? Amy: Yo. Leonard: You okay? Amy: Oh, sure. Leonard: I thought you were reading. Amy: I was. Now I'm thinking about what I read. You all right, Leonard? You seem very uncomfortable. Leonard: I, I'm fine. Amy: Should I go? I've been told sometimes I overstay my welcome. Leonard: What, who told you that? Amy: Well, most recently my gynaecologist. Leonard: Well, you stay as long as you'd like. Amy: I'm glad to hear you say that, because I'm having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist. Scene: Raj's car. Bernadette: What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon? Sheldon: Oh, I'm not buying anything. They're having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic. Howard: Which side do you come down on? Sheldon: I'll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I'm going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it's O-gauge or no gauge. Howard: Can you believe grown men sit around and play with toy trains? Bernadette: That's pretty big talk for a man with a closet full of magic tricks at his mother's house. Howard: First of all, they're not tricks, they're illusions. And, secondly, when we get married, they're all going up in the attic so you can have that closet for clothes. Bernadette: Why would I keep clothes at your mother's house? Howard: Well, don't think of it that way. Once we move in, it'll be our house. Bernadette: Is she moving out? Howard: Why would she move out? It's her house. Bernadette: Hang on. You seriously think I'm going to live with your mother? Sheldon: Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that's exactly what he thinks. Howard: Why not? It's a great house, plenty of room, and if we have kids, Mom's there to help. You know, when she tells the Three Little Pigs story, she actually has hair on her chinny-chin-chin. Bernadette: I'm not gonna live with your mother. Not now, not ever. Howard: Wow, someone obviously has some mommy issues. Bernadette: Raj, take me home. Howard: Don't listen to her. Go to the movie theatre. Bernadette: Take me home now. Howard: Movie theatre. Raj: Mmmmmm. Sheldon: Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don't care what you people do. Scene: The apartment. Amy: How was your shower? Leonard: It was good, good. Just out of curiosity, what time do you usually go to bed? Amy: Oh, I'm up all night. I'm like a possum. Boy, you were not liked in high school, were you? Leonard: Not really. Is that my yearbook? Amy: Mm-hmm. Dear Leonard, you're really good at science. Maybe one day you'll come up with a cure for being a dork. Leonard: Well, it wasn't spray-painting a lightning bolt on my briefcase, I can tell you that. Amy: If it makes you feel any better, the only person who signed my yearbook was my mother. Leonard: Aw. Amy: Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom. Sheldon (entering): Well, you can add Jerry's Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again. Leonard: Rough night, Casey Jones? Sheldon: You don't know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets. Leonard: What's in the bag? Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it. But it's not a spine,I'll tell you that. Amy: Well, I had a delightful evening, Leonard. We should do this again sometime. Leonard: Ah, sure. That'd be nice. Amy: Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They're kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department. Leonard: Wouldn't you rather bring Sheldon? Amy: I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time. Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there'd be other scientists there my age. Amy: Doesn't matter. You're out, he's in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change. Sheldon: Ha-ha, you have to go to a wedding. Scene: Outside Howard's house. Amy rings the bell. Howard (off): I'll get it! Mrs Wolowitz (off): Could you get it? Howard (off): I said I'm getting it! Mrs Wolowitz (off): Fine, I'll get it! Howard: I got it! Oh, hi. Bernadette: Hey. I don't want to fight. I was just surprised when you sprung the whole living-with-your-mom stuff on me. Howard: Yeah, well, I'm sorry I didn't run it by you first. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out! We don't need bugs! Howard: The bugs only come here because you're their queen! Listen, how about this. Before we make any kind of decision about where we live, we have a trial run. Stay here for a weekend, see what it's like. Bernadette: And your mom would be okay with that? Howard: Sure she would. Ma, do you mind if Bernadette stays here this weekend? Mrs Wolowitz (off): Hey, if she's willing to give the milk away for free, who am I to say no? Howard: See? She's good with it. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief! Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing with his train set. Sheldon: All this years, I've been so wrong. The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun. Penny: You're a brain scientist. Can you explain to me why a brilliant man likes playing with toy trains? Amy: Not without cutting his head open, no. How about making my eyes like Cleopatra? Penny: Really? For a wedding? Amy: Perhaps you're right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them. Leonard: Ready. Penny: Aw. So handsome. Like James Bond. Sheldon: Better than James Bond, because he's tinier. Amy: I got you this to give to me. Penny: Oh, sweetie, guests don't normally wear corsages to a wedding. That's more of a prom thing. Amy: I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs. Penny: Put the corsage on her. Leonard: Amy, this is for you. Amy: When you're done copping a feel, that goes on my wrist. Sheldon: All aboard! Woo-woo! It's official. I'm an H-O trainiac. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Howard: So, dinner went nice. Bernadette: Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Does your mother always cut your meat for you? Howard: Only when it's fatty. Well, don't be jealous, babe. Someday you'll get to cut it for me. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Bernadette! I found the extra head for the Waterpik if you want to use it! Bernadette: I'm okay, Mrs. Wolowitz. Mrs Wolowitz (off): You sure? I just squirted half a brisket outta my teeth! Howard: Hey, Ma, how about a little privacy? Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, I know what that means! Hubba-hubba! Bernadette: Oh, God. Howard: Relax, it'll be fine. Bernadette: Okay. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Let me know when you're done canoodling! Mommy needs a foot rub! Scene: The wedding. Amy: Would you like to dance? Leonard: No, thank you. I'm really not much of a dancer. Amy: You're not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist, either. Leonard: I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy. Amy: Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially-approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm. Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning, so... Amy: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening. Leonard: Oh, sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta girlfriend 9,000 miles away. Amy: I have a kinda-sorta boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it. Leonard, a word of advice, moody self-obsession is only attractive in men who can play guitar and are considerably taller than you. Leonard: I'm not moody. I'm fun. Amy: You have any evidence to support that statement? Leonard: Well, hey, I'm just as much fun as you are. Amy: Really? Are you willing to draw a moustache on your finger as a conversational icebreaker? I am. Leonard: Okay, fine, what do you suggest? Amy: We just had a lovely meal, the band is on fire, and you're sitting next to a beautiful woman wearing whorish makeup. Why don't we head outon the dance floor and see if I can sweat through these dress shields. Leonard: Once again, I, I'm really not much of a dancer. Amy: Don't worry, I'll lead. (They do the Birdie Song dance) [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's bedroom. Howard is playing with a lightsabre. Amy: Howard? Howard: Ready for bed? Bernadette: No. I need to brush my teeth, but your mother's been in the bathroom for, like, an hour. Howard: Oh. Yeah, she sometimes has problems doing her business. Hang on. Ma, give up! Tonight's not your night! Mrs Wolowitz (off): You don't know that! I just sat down! Howard: Come on, take a break! Bernadette needs to brush her teeth! Mrs Wolowitz (off): She can come in and brush her teeth! I'm not embarrassed! Howard: Problem solved. Bernadette: No, it's not. I'm not going in there. Howard: Oh, come on, honey. She's just sitting in there reading a magazine. You can't see anything. I go in all the time. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Ha! The eagle has landed! Howard: And we have splashdown. Wait here, I'm gonna go light a candle. And then we make passionate love. Scene: The stairwell. Amy is helping Leonard up the stairs. Amy: There we go, last floor. Leonard: I just can't figure out what happened. I put my left leg in, I took my left leg out, I put my left leg in, and something just snapped. Amy: The hokey pokey is a young man's game. Leonard: I did have a great time. Thank you for reminding me it's okay to have fun once in a while. Amy: You're welcome. Leonard: And also for breaking the head off the ice swan so I could hold it against my pulled groin. Amy: I excel at spatial reasoning, and I had a hunch that the graceful slope of its neck would cradle your genitals nicely. Leonard: Well, okay. Again, thank you. Amy: And again, you're welcome. Leonard: Want to come in, have a cup of tea? Amy: No, thanks. I'm gonna head home. Leonard: Okay. Well, good night. Amy: Good night. (Heads across corridor and knocks on Penny's door) Penny: Ames, hi. How was the wedding? Amy: Great. Until I accidentally made Leonard fall in love with me. Penny: Come in, let's talk. Do you want a glass of wine? Amy: Wine is one of the reasons I'm in this fix. That and this dang pelvis. Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, what exactly happened? Amy: The inevitable, he was lonely and vulnerable from missing his girlfriend, while I was charming, supportive and, let's face it, in this dress, the perfect combination of Madonna and whore. Penny: Oh, God, did he make a move on you? Amy: No, but it's only a matter of time. How could I have not seen this coming? Now I'm gonna have to break the little sad sack's heart. Penny: Yeah, I'm sure he'll be okay. Amy: Oh, Penny, much as I would treasure knowing that the two of us had been defiled by the same man, Leonard just doesn't get my motor running. Penny: So, um, what are you gonna do? Do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy? Amy: No. I'll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I'll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you've got a better shot than he does. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth. Leonard: Sounds like you had a great night. Sheldon: I did. How was yours? Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that? Leonard: Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that? Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you. Leonard: What? Sheldon: Not for you! Scene: Howard's bedroom. Bernadette: Good morning, handsome. Howard: Morning, Mom. Bernadette: It's me. Howard: Yes, it is, and you're so pretty in the morning. Bernadette: Your mom and I made you breakfast. Howard: Oh, wow. So you guys are getting along? Bernadette: Yeah, I guess. We're very different people, Howard, so communication's a little tricky. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Does he like the pancakes?! Bernadette (in a similar voice): He didn't try them yet! Howard: Is there any butter? Bernadette: It's butter-flavoured syrup. Howard: Oh. Mrs Wolowitz (off): So, what's the word? Bernadette: He wants butter! Mrs Wolowitz (off): It's butter-flavoured syrup Bernadette: I just told him that! Howard: I don't need any butter. Bernadette: If you want butter, I'll get you butter. Howard: Well, I guess I'll cut these by myself.
Plan: A: the model train store; Q: Where does Sheldon go to hear a lecture on model trains? A: an HO gauge model train set; Q: What does Sheldon buy after hearing a lecture on model trains? A: Amy; Q: Who decides to take Leonard to a wedding for two scientists? A: her date; Q: What does Amy decide to take Leonard instead of Sheldon to a wedding for two scientists? A: Howard; Q: Who asks Bernadette to stay with him and his mother for the weekend as a "trial"? A: a snag; Q: What does Howard and Bernadette's relationship hit when Bernadette tells Howard that she would not move in with him and his mother after they get married? Summary: Sheldon goes to the model train store to hear a lecture on model trains, and is convinced into buying an HO gauge model train set. Amy decides to take Leonard instead of Sheldon as her date to a wedding for two scientists. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette's relationship hits a snag when Bernadette tells Howard that she would not move in with him and his mother after they get married. Howard asks her to stay with him and his mother for the weekend as a "trial", to which she agrees.
CRU - Street Cappie is down car. Pledges are busy to push it... Little girl : Move out of the way! Cappie : Speed kills! She's getting away. Put your backs into it. Ben Bennett : What's a hernia feel like? Gonzo : When's Cappy gonna realize that the Broncosaurus isn't gonna start again ever. Cappie : I heard that. Rusty : I know you love her. But maybe it's time extinction ran its course? Cappie : I didn't give up on her when the engine blew, when the backseat caught on fire or when I crashed her into a bog. Rusty : There's bogs in Ohio? Cappie : I'm not giving up on her now. Besides, I'm assuming you pledges will be needing her for your monthly supply run to Cost Club, since none of you have cars of your own. Rusty : But it's 15 miles. Cappie : The house is woefully low on essentials like moisturizer and butt paper, and I'm sick of stealing it from the sorities. Powder fresh scent makes me chafe. Ben Bennett : Dude, borrow your sister's car. Rusty : She'll never go for it. Gonzo : Why not? Rusty : When I was 16, I borrowed her car for my DMV test, and I ended up in a grocery store parking lot and I ran over one of the coin-operated horse rides. Gonzo : Was there a kid on it? Rusty : No. Ben Bennett : Then who cares? Rusty : Casey cared. She doesn't trust me. She never will. I'm also not allowed to install her software or touch her dolls. It's a long story. Pickle : But you're her brother. Rusty : Her little brother and she's likely to never see me as anything but that. Cappie : Less chat, more push. We need more momentum for the hill. Rusty : I'll ask to borrow her car. EXT. ZBZ HOUSE - Front door The postman rings. Someone opens the door... Postman : Here you go. A girl : Thank you. A few minutes later... Rebecca : Mail call. Casey : Thanks, Pledge Logan. Rebecca goes back... Ashleigh : I hope it's something good. Casey : She's really starting to embrace her pledge duties and it only took her 7 months. Ashleigh : No. Not good. It's my credit card bill! Casey : Ok. We knew this day was coming. Ashleigh : Be gentle, Credit Plus. This is my first... 1300? Casey : Dollars? Ashleigh : And 27 cents. I'm gonna be sick. Casey : Ok. Don't panic. Just pay the minimum and live to fight another month. Ashleigh : It doesn't say anything about a minimum. Casey : Ash. This is a charge card, not a credit card. You have to pay off the entire balance each month. Ashleigh : But it's called Credit Plus, not Charge Plus! They lied. My parents're gonna kill me. They're gonna take away my allowance. Casey : We can deal with that. Ashleigh : They're gonna make me get a job, which means I won't have as much time to devote to the house. Casey : We can deal with that too. Ashleigh : Which means no more social chair. Casey : That we cannot deal with. The office of social chair is more important than vice-president! Ashleigh : Yeah. Of America! Doorbell rings. Omega Chis come in... Dino : Afternoon, ladies. As president of Omega Chi, I have an announcement. ZBZ girl : I thought Evan was the president of Omega Chi. Frannie : No, Dino's always been president. Evan's the pledge educator. You need to pay more attention. Dino : This Saturday evening is our Casino Night. Evan : The 20 dollar cover goes to charity and gets you 2,000 dollars of fake gambling money. However, there is a real 2,000 dollar pot for whichever player wins the most chips by midnight. All right, gentlemen, whip out your decks. Calvin : Bring your A-game, ladies, because the best card sharks in the Greek system will be there. Casey : You are the luckiest girl in the world. Credits OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Calvin : So, today's the day. Evan : I think today's the day. I'm meeting my mom in a few minutes. Calvin : I guess the car my dad gave me after graduation was the closest thing to a trust fund I'll ever see. Evan : So, is it a lot? Calvin : No, don't answer that. Just give me a hint. No, don't do that, either. Evan : I have been waiting for this day, well... since forever. Calvin : I mean, haven't you been rich since... well, forever? Evan : My parents have, but this is my money, my freedom. I'll be able to do anything. I can go off the map. I can do whatever I want. Escape the Chambers prison. Calvin : Sounds like a rich kid thing. "The Chambers prison." What does that look like? Diamond latrines and bars made from gold? Evan : Nope, but with my trust fund I can probably build you one of those. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : Hey case. That's a cool shirt. Where did you get it? Casey : Why? You going shopping? Rusty : No, I was just paying a compliment to my super-awesome sister. Casey : What do you want? Rusty : Your car. Casey : No. Rusty : Come on. Casey : We have a good thing going here. A year ago if someone asked me what your favorite color is I would have assumed you were colorblind, given the way you dress. Now I know it's brown. Rusty : Actually, it's green. Casey : My point is, let's cherish and protect our new relationship, not muck it up with something like sharing things. Rusty : 2 hours. That's all I need. Casey : Rusty. 2 hours was all you need for your driver's test, remember? Rusty : I knew you'd bring that up. Casey : It took 4 produce men and 5 quarters to get my car off that horse. I had to take the school bus for a week. Rusty : It was one honest mistake. Casey : Your sketchy history spans decades. What about my Cabbage Patch Drink'N'Wet Newborn? Rusty : Your stupid doll that could pee? Casey : You filled her with cranberry juice. That doesn't look like pee. Rusty : I was six years old. I was six! Casey : Or the time that you erased my online'N Sync diary. Rusty : I was 12. I'm 18 now. Casey : Oh my God. Six, 12, 18. Six, six, six. This explains everything. Rusty : Stop treating me like a kid! Or Damien. I'm a grown up. When are you gonna see that? Casey : I see you just as you are. As my little brother who's not borrowing my car. EXT. KT HOUSE Cappie repairs his car... Cappie : Wade? Are you waxing again? Rebecca : I'd be offended if Wade didn't have such great legs. Cappie : I haven't talked to you in a few days. Rebecca : Sorry. I've been busy. House stuff. You should really put this poor truck out of its misery. It's a total POS. Cappie : And by that I can only assume you mean "total piece of super-badass". Rebecca : It's not looking too badass right now. There's been a lot of stuff going on lately with my family and Spring Break. Just a lot of drama. Cappie : I love drama. Remember when Locke blew open the hatch? Finally? Rebecca : I don't want my family stuff to weigh us down. So I've decided to keep that part of my life over there and this part of my life over here. Focus only on fun when I'm with Cappie. Cappie : I love fun, too. Whatever you want. Rebecca : Casino Night at Omega Chi tomorrow night. Wanna go? Cappie : With Evan and the Chipmunks? Is that a pitch for fun or drama? Rebecca : Good point. Hmm... Cap ? You know What you're doing? Cappie : Does this look like a transmission to you? Rebecca : OK. Let's go. Fun awaits. Cappie : Wait, wait. Cappie locks his car... ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Ashleigh : Let's go with The Zen of 21. Casey : You know, we only need one book, right? How did you afford all these? You put them on your credit card? Ashleigh : Charge card! Who cares? We're gonna win. Casey : Maybe we should learn how to play 21 first, then get cocky. We each get two cards and the one closest to 21 wins. Ashleigh : Do you have a queen? Casey : This isn't Go Fish. You hit if you want more. Ashleigh : OK. Hit me. Hit me again. Again. Come on. Casey : Forty-two! Ashleigh : I got double blackjack. Casey : No. You busted. Ashleigh : What? They make it look so easy in that movie,21. Casey : But they weren't just adding cards. They were counting them. Ashleigh : Too bad we can't fly in a geek from MIT to teach us how. Casey : No, but maybe we could find a geek a little closer to home. EXT. CRU - Street Evan's Mom : Your father and I are so excited about your plans for the future. Harvard. The Senate. We just want to make sure you remain on that path. It's an incentive trust. Evan : But Mom, can't you just trust that I'm gonna stay on that path? I mean, those things, I've wanted those my entire life. Isn't that enough? Evan's Mom : Of course it is, but Evan, this is a lot of money. And you didn't expect us to just hand it over after your brother's debacle? Evan : But I'm not Patrick. I'm focused. Evan's Mom : So was Patrick. It seems when kids your age receive this much money it can provoke some fairly ridiculous responses, and we just want some peace of mind. As a future lawyer, I'm sure you can understand that. Which is why we've included certain lifestyle provisions. Evan : And what are those? How old I have to be before I'm allowed to get married? Evan's Mom : Well, actually, yes. Not before you're 25, which I can't imagine you were planning on, anyway. You aren't hoping to rush to the alter with that blonde Casey, are you? Evan : She and I are done. Evan's Mom : Sorry to hear that. Evan : And what if I do choose to pull a Patrick and do something different with my life? Would you sue me? Evan's Mom : Don't be petulant, Evan. If you chose to do something else you'd be wasting a tremendous amount of potential and you would lose your trust fund. If you're not prepared to invest in us, then how can you expect us to invest in you? Evan : I need to think about this. Evan's Mom : All right. Look it over and let us know. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room Rusty : I'll have to call you back. Casey : Hey !!! There's my little... big... brother! You busy? Rusty : I'm kinda in the middle of something. Casey : We need to learn how to count cards. Rusty : There are 52 in a deck. Ashleigh : We were thinking more like in that movie. Rusty : Like "counting" counting? The MIT guys? Casey : Yes. Do you know how? Rusty : It can't be that hard. I turned down MIT. Why do you need to learn to count cards? Casey : It's not for me, it's for Ash. And the folks at Credit Plus. Rusty : I don't know. You know, with my sketchy history with peeing dolls and horses... Ashleigh : I won't ask. Casey : OK, assuming you're every bit the math geek we need, you can borrow my car for one hour. Rusty : Two hours. Casey : Fine, fine. But only if Ash wins Casino Night. Rusty : You got a deal. Ashleigh : Yay !!! Cartwright powers, activate. Casey : Oww !! You always squeeze so hard! Rusty : No, I don't. Casey : Yeah, you do. A few minutes later... Rusty : I think you're distracting my floormates from their studies. Ashleigh : It's like I'm their queen. I'm gonna come here every time I feel down. Casey : Can we get back to this? I haven't learned a thing. Rusty : Maybe if you applied yourself a little more, like you didn't do in algebra. Casey : Or you in your driver's test, Damien. Rusty : I hate that you keep bringing that up. Casey : And I hate being talked down to. Ashleigh : Children! Rusty : It's simple math. Casey : "Simple math" is an oxymoron, whereas you're just a... Ashleigh : 10 minute break. Everybody out of the pool. Casey : You know what? Forget it. We're out of here. Rusty : What about the car? Ashleigh : What about my debt? I'm sorry that you think your brother is the demon seed but I need 13 hundred dollars and 27 cents. Casey : The deal is off. We'll formulate a Plan B. No more deals with the devil boy. Max comes... Max : Hey I got your note. Sorry. I'm car-less. Also, I'm sorry about your sister. She sounds terrible. Rusty : Max, this is my sister, Casey, and her friend, Ashleigh. Max : Hi. Rusty : Do you know anything about counting cards? Max : Counting cards? Yeah. Why? Ashleigh : 'Cause there's this big fraternity Casino Night tomorrow. I'm trying to win two grand. Max : It's just keeping track of the ratio of high cards to low cards. A fraternity wouldn't use six decks like a real casino so there's even less to keep track of. I'd say two decks, tops. Anyone can count that. Bye. Max goes back... Casey : Almost anyone. Rusty : Wait. Casey, wait. I need a car. Don't go anywhere. Max? Max, hold up. If I help them win the money Casey's gonna loan me her car. But in order to help them win the money, I need to teach these two how to count cards. Can you help me? Max : I don't think so. Rusty : Case. What if it's me and Max? He gets... What do you want? Casey : 5%? Max : 10%? Rusty : 10%? And we get his knowledge. Casey : Fine. Welcome aboard, Max. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Frannie : Evan. These deal points aren't that bad. Evan : I can't even get married till I'm 25. Frannie : Should I be flattered? Evan : You know, it's not the rules. It's the finality. I'm 21, and the idea of legally committing the rest of my life to the order of a document... it's a little daunting. Frannie : Why did you want to go to law school in the first place? Evan : It's all I've ever wanted. My grandfather attended Harvard Law. My father attended Harvard Law. Frannie : So, your family influenced this path? Evan : It's not the same thing. Frannie : What's so different? Either way you're set for life. Why get cold feet now? Evan : I don't know. What if I want to go off the map and be someone else? Frannie : Like who? You're Evan Chambers. You're going to be on the map no matter where you are. Might as well make it a treasure map. CRU - Car Dealer Cappie : Feel like I'm cheating on Broncosaurus. Rebecca : A guy can still look, right? Cappie : What's that, KITT? You say you want me to buy you? You say together we can fight the forces of evil? Affirmative, Cappie. We can use my grappling hook to steal the Omega Chi wet bar. Becks, did you hear that? He likes wet bars too. Rebecca : Then let's get it. Or him. Cappie : Too bad I can't afford him. Rebecca : I can buy it for you. Cappie : It's a car. Rebecca : According to you, he's your crime fighting partner to be. Come on, let's have fun. Cappie : There's this whole thing called the male ego. Rebecca : Calm down, caveman. My father's been trying to buy my love lately and this seems a good place for him to start. It's a gift. But if it makes your ego feel better you can always pay me back in trade. Cappie : Trade? That's gonna be a lot of s*x. Rebecca : I know. Cappie : Think I can make an advance deposit? CRU - Max's room Max : Ok. Tens through kings, minus one. Aces are minus two. The more of these left in the deck, the better. Cards two through six are plus one. A lot of these left, not good. Bet small amounts. Casey : I knew it wouldn't be that complicated. You're a good teacher. Rusty : Yes. It's easy when you pay attention. Casey : Did you say something, Damien? Rusty : Car. Car. Car. Max : So let's try one. Start with dollar bets. They're the Flintstones Chewables. Don't bet the horse pills till the count gets to plus seven. Casey : Can I split these? Max : Yes. But not if I'm showing a ten. Unless you're a complete dweeb. Casey : Like Rusty. Minus three? Ashleigh : Minus 2? Rusty : Plus three. Minus three? With all the low cards showing? Who's the dweeb now? Casey : Shut up, Little Man Tate. Ashleigh : Are we gonna have to have another time out? Max : OK. Round two. Ready? Rusty : Begin. Ashleigh : You're going too fast. I'm getting card sick. Max : Who's got it? Rusty, put your hand down. Casey : Plus 7? So now we bet big. Max : We bet huge. Ashleigh : We're so gonna win. If all we're doing is increasing our odds, won't adding more players better our percentage? What? I totally get percentages. Why don't you guys come with us? Max : To a fraternity party? Rusty : An Omega Chi fraternity party? Casey : Another half hour in the car and we'll add another five percent. We'll consider it an advance against your expenses. Max : Expenses? Casey : Do you own anything that doesn't look like you want to climb a mountain? CRU - Shop Rusty : Thanks for including me on the deal. I love my sister but when I try to explain anything to her, it's like we're polystyrene and polybutadiene. Max : More like polyvinylchloride and polyurethane. Rusty : No wonder you worked for NASA. Casey : The grey or black? Ashleigh : Black, but with a red tie. No. Wait, green. Casey : Why green? Ashleigh : The color of money. Casey : You're a genius. More. Rusty : I'm so sorry for Casey. She's so annoying. Just roll with it. Max : No, it's fine. Casey : Try these on. Max : Right here? Casey : Just put them on over your cargo shorts. Max : Really? Rusty : Trust me, Max. Resistance is futile. Casey : Let's just see if that jacket matches. There you are. Snazzy. Max : Me? KT HOUSE - Living room Heath : Does this make you a kept man? Cappie : She's just buying me a car, that's it. Wade : Be careful, Cap. Reese and Ryan. Madonna and Guy. All wealthy women in history who could afford to buy their men. Cappie : OK, would you simmer down, Us Weekly, she's not trying to buy me. Heath : This one girl I used to pretend to date, she got to choose all the movies because she paid. I lost years of my life watching nothing but chick flicks. Euro Trip? Never seen it. Ella Enchanted? 16 times. Wade : I think I read somewhere that Julia Roberts literally owns Danny Moder. Heath : Smart investment. He's hot. Wade : I wonder how he doesn't feel beneath her, you know? Cappie : OK, guys, Rebecca's not trying to control me or buy me. She's been through a lot lately. Wade : We're trying to get back to some reality-free fun. I thought you were way too different to make it for the long haul, but I guess I was wrong. You really got to like the girl a lot to take a car. There's no breaking up after that. Cappie : Nope. No breaking up. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Evan : So, the Bentley GTC is amazing, but the Iron Man Audi is just plain disgusting. I hear they literally raise the cows in the shape of the leather seats. Calvin : All you have to do is drive only to the places you're allowed to go. I'm sure it's worth it for a few dollars. Evan : Try a few million. Calvin : I told you not to tell me. Evan : Why did you rush Omega Chi? That's right, your dad told you to. Calvin : My dad didn't make me sign a contract. I still maintain some semblance of freedom. Evan : Freedom's an illusion. Calvin : Frannie said that, 'cause I just got goosebumps. Evan : Come on. Calvin : I know. You like her. I'm sorry. It's just that this is a huge decision. I'd hate to see you at 40 regretting a choice you made at 21. Omega Chi guy : Calvin, get down here. Calvin : That's my cue. I got a pit to boss. Evan : All right, let's go. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Casino Party Casey : Ash, you and Rusty take that table. We'll go over there. Ashleigh : Happy counting. Casey : Follow me. Betsy : Hi. I'm Betsy. Max & Casey : Hi, Betsy. Betsy : I've been playing at this table for two hours and loving it. That's because I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I'm high on life. Max : Cherish every moment. Casey : That's very sweet. Croupier : Twenty-two. You bust. Betsy : Son of a bitch! I gotta win that back. Deal me again. Let's go. Evan : What are you doing here? Cappie : I heard this was for the Omega Chi's official charity. Erectile dysfunction. A terrible affliction. I know how much you guys want to beat it. Evan : The cover just went up to 120. Calvin : Come on. He's got the cover. Let him play. Cappie : Thank you. Croupier : Here you go. Calvin : Cap. Don't steal our booze. Rebecca : You're here! Why'd you change your mind? Cappie : And miss all the fun? Croupier : Place your bets. Rebecca's cellphone rings... Rebecca : Hello? I can't. That's between you two. I'm at a party. I'll call you tomorrow. Cappie : Everything all right? Rebecca : Of course. It has nothing to do with us. Waiter : Here you are. Croupier : Blackjack! Cappie : Yes ! Rebecca : Right on. Croupier : You're tipping me with fake money? Cappie : Yes, but the feelings are real. Rebecca : You keep this up you'll be able to get satellite radio for your new car. Assuming you didn't want the super retro tape Deck you already have. Cappie : Double down. Casey : Yeah. Looks like someone's gonna win their 15 percent. Max : I'll probably just take five percent. Your friend needs it more. Rusty : Excuse me. We have a problem. Casey : Calm down, Chicken Little. The sky's not falling. Ashleigh : Yes, it is. It's Jason. He's beating all of us put together. Casey : Oh, my god. The dork in the Travis suit? Jason : Yes! Max : Is Travis a designer? Casey : No, he's Ashleigh's evil ex. Jason is his clone from the shallow end of the gene pool. Rusty : That's kind of harsh. Ashleigh : He said polymers are as interesting as a dirt sandwich. Rusty : A dirt sandwich that's found in almost every adhesive. Max : And lubricant on the planet. Stupid knuckle-dragging astrophysics. Casey : Is he counting cards too? Rusty : His winning percentage is higher than ours. His bets are mathematically insane. He's got to be cheating. Casey : How ? Rusty : Sunglasses? Jason : It's got to be. Ashleigh : X-ray vision? No way. Rusty : He's marking cards. Max : It's probably a substance on his fingers that he can see with his glasses. Rusty : I read about that in one of my 21 books, so if we don't stop Jason there's no way we can win for sure. Ashleigh : Then Caseys and gentlemen, I think it's time for a little sting. [SCENE_BREAK] Ashleigh : Allow me. Jason : Ashleigh! What do you want? Ashleigh : I wanted to apologize. Jason : Why? 'Cause you realize the last time I saw you, you were a total loon? Ashleigh : I'm trying to be nice now. Jason : I should pay attention here. Ashleigh : But I want to apologize, maybe rekindle our friendship. Jason : Seriously? Ashleigh kisses Jason taking something from his jacket... Ashleigh : Only if we can be friends... with benefits. Casey catches this thing to give it to Rusty... Calvin : Warned her bout that credit card. Rusty : It's actually a charge card. New deck. Calvin : Yeah. Just like you asked. So which ones do we mark? Rusty : The twos, threes and fours. So when he thinks he's getting a high card he's getting a low one, baby. Calvin : Don't call me baby. Rusty : Right. Croupier : You're a winner. Cappie : Chicken dinner. What the hell does that mean? Rebecca : I don't know. I want to play. Cappie : Let's not jinx my system. Rebecca : What gives? Cappie : What do you mean? Rebecca : Well, this is just for fun, right? If you don't win I can just get you a satellite radio. Cappie : I don't want the radio. Rebecca : I would. Terrestrial bites. Cappie : Or the car. I just want to get some money and fix the Broncosaurus. Rebecca : OK. I can pay to have that fixed, too. I just thought... Cappie : I got it. And that's blackjack. Frannie : Hey. Why aren't you playing? Evan : I'm down to my last 45 dollars. Casey : Sister. Frannie : Casey. Casey has a warped sense of sibling relationships. I'm starting to understand her brother better. Ever since I came back to the house I've done nothing but support her, advise her constantly, and this is the thanks I get. Evan : Maybe you should stop being so nice. Just get back in the game. Frannie : Well, maybe you're right. Cappie : Blackjack! Frannie : What's going on? You still thinking about the trust fund? Evan : Yeah. You know, growing up, I was always referred to as the oungest of the Chambers sons. When I came to Cyprus-Rhodes, I thought I could be my own man and not just an extension of my family. Frannie : You sound like you're about to break into song. I mean, everyone comes to college wanting to exert their independence, Evan. To have fun... Evan : Right now college doesn't seem like much fun. Frannie : Don't confuse a fake casino in a fraternity house with real life. Stop gambling with fake chips. What reason do you seriously have to go off the map? You have a trust fund and a birthright. Embrace it. Come on. Evan : Where are we going? Frannie : To be the center of attention. That will make you feel better. Omega Chi guy : All right, everybody. Listen up. It's almost midnight and we are down to the final high rollers. Calvin : High rollers, you ready to gamble? Jason : Yeah. It's time to get paid, y'all. Cappie : Big money, big money. No whammies. Casey : Jason, if you're so confident, why not just bet it all? Jason : Are you crazy? I'll bet half, Carrie. Casey : It's Casey. Max & Cappie : It's Casey. Max : So, I heard you compared polymer science, to dirt sandwiches. Jason : Well, it's just that we astrophysicists, we discuss big things. Like the string theory of matter. Max : We work with real world stuff, like self-healing rubbers. Jason : Get out. Cappie : Seriously? Any chance that'd hit stores before Christmas? Rusty : Not those kinds of rubbers, Cap. Cappie : Tease. Jason : Hey, polymer boy. How much you want to bet I get a 21? I'll double down. Rusty : Hey, Jason? Rusty shows him something written in his arm... Jason : Wait. I thought you had a ten. Calvin : Why would you think that? And ten makes 18. Max and Casey push. Rusty wins. Better Luck next time to our friend, Jason, who's out. Casey : Yes. Jason : Come on, Ashleigh. Ashleigh shows him something written in her chest... Calvin : Don't ever let me catch you in here again. Cappie : That's pretty awesome, Cal. By the way, I won. Calvin : It's too close to call. We'll play one more hand. Omega Chi guy : One minute to midnight. It all comes down to this hand. Casey : OK, the deck's minus two, which means crazy low card time. Let's play it safe and keep our lead. Max : Let's split these aces. Calvin : Splitting aces? Casey : Not safe. Calvin has a ten. He probably has a 20. Max : This will work. High risk, high reward. Casey : Remember splitting aces? Ten? Complete dweebs? Rusty? Max : Hit this one. And this one. Split them again. Rusty : Max! Calvin : Sorry, guys. Rusty : Nineteen, 17, 18. That's... Casey : Bad if Calvin has a ten. Max : I gotta go. Ashleigh : What just happened? Casey : Sorry. Calvin : Cappie, it's your move. Rebecca : Hey, how's it go...? Oh Wow... Calvin : Hit or stay? Beat the house, win two grand. Cap? Cap ? Cappie : I'll stay. Calvin : Dealer gets 20. Cappie wins. Cappie : I just saved the Broncosaurus. 200,000 miles and counting. Rebecca : Congratulations. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Cappie : Ready for an indecent proposal, Miss Logan? Rebecca : I think we've probably had enough of those for one night? Cappie : Come on, let's just have s*x and money. Rebecca : Why couldn't you just tell me you didn't want me to buy that car? Cappie : 'Cause I didn't want to make an issue out of it. Instead it looks like I made an entire newsstand. Rebecca : Let's be serious. For once. I'm the one who's been a downer lately so I was just trying to keep things fun. I'm really sorry if your male ego can't handle a girl buying you something expensive. Cappie : It's not my ego, it's my pride. Rebecca : Your pride? Cappie : It's just another reminder of how I'm beneath you. Rebecca : Beneath me? Are you talking about Spring Break? I apologized for that. I was drunk. Cappie : As someone who's drunk a lot, I know when someone says stuff like that, you might not mean to say it, but there's usually a part of you that does mean it. And it wasn't the first time. Remember Parents'Weekend? Whenever your family comes into your life, I instantly become the poster boy for the Rebecca Logan Make a Wish Foundation. And I just... I don't want to deal with it. Rebecca : That the reason I can't even talk to you about my family without you consoling me by offering to drink apple juice through your nose? You didn't want the car because then we'd ha to get more serious and that freaks you out. And with everything happening right now... My parents'divorce, my father's trial, Zeta Beta... I need something more than just fun. Cappie : Well... Then I'll be serious. I can step up and be that guy. Rebecca : I know you can, Cap. But just not for me. Deep down I think you know that. You're just too Cappy to say so. Cappie : So, are we...? Rebecca : Broken up? Yeah. I guess so. Cappie : I'm sorry. Rebecca : I'm sorry, too. ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Ashleigh : I have to get a job, Case. A job! What did I do to deserve this? Casey : I think the answer is, taking up both of our closets. Ashleigh : I don't even know how to look for a job. Where do you start? Casey : OK, job or no job, you can't drop your office. I need you. Laura wants to pass a bylaw instituting an annual hayride mixer. Ashleigh : I will fight her every step of the way. Casey : You will? Ashleigh : Yes, I will. If I can find a job working 25 hours a week at 20 dollars an hour, that's $500. Or I could find a job working two hours a week at 250 dollars an hour. Casey : Either way you're still my social chair? Ashleigh : Till death do us part. Casey : Yeah! Ashleigh : So... What do you think happened with Max? That whole Runaway Bride thing was so weird. Casey : I know, right. EXT. OMEGA CHI HOUSE Evan : Cal! What do you think? Calvin : I see you made a choice. Evan : We all make choices. Frannie : And we're choosing to go to Martha's Vineyard for a very long weekend. Casey drive in front of them... Calvin : Careful, Ev. Evan : See you next week. Here we go. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : You are here to chew me out for losing Casino Night. Casey : I'm here to say that I was wrong. I've always seen you as my nerdy little brother. You're not little anymore. I see you as an adult now. Rusty : Why now? Casey : Because we wouldn't have had a chance to win Casino Night without you. Rusty : But we didn't win. Casey : True. But the way you carried yourself, catching Jason cheating, that thing with your arm, that was pretty cool. Rusty : My big sis thinks I'm cool. Casey : I said you did something cool. Two hours. No, really, I'm timing you, so... Rusty : OK, I'll gas it up for you. Casey : Just avoid mechanical horses. CRU - Max's room Casey knock on Max's door... Max opens the door... Max : Oh. Hey... Casey : You bailed with barely a word last night. Max : Yeah. You know, I thought I'd... That's not entirely true. I just... had to go. Casey : No worries. Just wanted to make sure you're OK. Max : Thank you. I... Casey : Yeah. You? Max : What? Casey : You started to say "I." Max : Did I? Casey : Yeah. What were you going to say? Max : I forget. Casey : Did you have fun last night? Max : Yes. My first fraternity party. Casey : Very exciting. What do you normally do for fun? Seriously? Max : Dr. Who? Casey : The British guy with the hat? That's neat. We should get you out more. Have you ever been to Doblers? Or maybe we could just fly to Vegas and practice our card counting superpowers in the big time. Max : Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I gotta go, though. Bye Casey.
Plan: A: Ashleigh; Q: Who enlists Casey to help her learn to count cards? A: her credit card; Q: What is Ashleigh's bill for? A: 21; Q: What is the maximum amount of money Ashleigh can win at Omega Chi's Casino Night? A: Omega Chi's Casino Night; Q: What event does Ashleigh and Rusty want to win at? A: Evan; Q: Who receives his trust fund? A: Rebecca; Q: Who offers to buy Cappie a new car? Summary: Ashleigh's bill for her credit card is much higher than she expected, and enlists Casey to help her learn to count cards, who in turn enlists Rusty and Max to teach them how to count cards in an effort to win at 21 during Omega Chi's Casino Night. Meanwhile, Evan receives his trust fund , while Rebecca offers to buy Cappie a new car.
ACT ONE Scene One - Apartment Daphne is eating breakfast at the table. The door opens and she hears two dogs barking at each other. Martin drags Eddie through the door. Martin: Come on in! Come on, it's all over! He won't mess with you! [closes door; to Eddie] Are you nuts? That was a Doberman! Daphne: Oh dear, what happened? Martin: Oh, get the first aid kit. Eddie got into a fight. We were on the elevator with that Doberman from upstairs. Eddie took a perfectly innocent sniff, and wham! Daphne brings the first aid kit from the powder room. Frasier enters. Frasier: Morning, all. What's all this? Daphne: Eddie was viciously attacked. Frasier: Oh. [then] Is that coffee cake I smell? Martin: Well, now that I look at it, it's just a scratch. But I probably should take him to the vet's anyway. Daphne: What are you doing up so early? Frasier: Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us. Martin: "She?" Oh, working for a woman, huh? Frasier: Yes, why? Martin: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it! Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived! Doorbell. Daphne: My brothers couldn't stand taking orders from me. I was forever telling them, "Billy, clean your room," "Reginald, get your elbow out of the gravy," "Nigel, take that thing back to the hospital, the whole house is full of flies!" Frasier opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Morning, Niles. Niles: Hello, Frasier. Dad, Daphne. Uh, I can't stay, I just wanted to ask a favor. Dad, can I borrow your gun? Martin: Maris taking singing lessons again? Niles: No. Our home security system is down for repairs, and with no electric gates I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat. Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch. Niles: Dad, please. Maris is a wreck ever since she found out our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach. Martin: Forget it, you don't know the first thing about guns. Niles: Dad, please. Martin: No! I don't believe in civilians having guns. Niles: This isn't fair! Maris's mother gave her a gun! Martin: [getting up] Well, then Maris's mother can clean the mess up after she accidentally blows your brains out. Niles: [following him to the kitchen] Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris's mother has never cleaned anything in her life. [SCENE_BREAK] CRASS APPEAL Scene Two - KACL Frasier, Gil, and Bulldog are sitting in the hall outside the manager's office. Roz comes in. Roz: All right, all right, listen up everyone, I've been working the office grapevine, I've got the scoop on the new boss. Gil: Is she going to fire me? Bulldog: Hey, first things first! [to Roz] Is she baggable? Roz: Forget it, Bulldog, she'd have you for breakfast. Bulldog: Right, like I ever stick around that long. Roz: Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. She's kind of becoming my idol. Bulldog: Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job. I just promised my mom a new pacemaker. Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?" Frasier: Now, look, there's no reason for us to give in to our insecurities. We all do good, solid shows. We hardly even know this woman, and already we're painting her as a heartless Medusa! Father Mike comes out of Kate's office, stunned. Mike: She said my ratings are down. She said I'm not "hip." Frasier: Father Mike, are you all right? Mike: The little thug fired me! Frasier: I'm so sorry. Gil: Did she say anything else? Mike: She said, "Send in Frasier." Frasier looks panicked. Roz puts a hand over her face. CUT TO: Manager's Office Kate Costas, the new station manager, is still moving into her office. Boxes sit under empty shelves. She's talking on the phone. Kate: Listen, tell the movers I want the couch directly in front of the bookcase. [Frasier comes in.] Uh-huh. [to him] Oh, have a seat. Frasier sits in a chair in front of the desk. Kate: [into phone] Uh-huh. Yeah, yes. No, not there! In front of the bookcase! Frasier gets up, moves the chair to a bookcase in the far corner, and sits down. Kate: Yes, tell her I got somebody here! Could we move the furniture later? Frasier gets up, moves the chair back to its original place, and sits. Kate: Could we do that? [hangs up] Dr. Frasier Crane! Kate Costas. Frasier: [shaking hands] Kate, what a pleasure. Kate: Likewise. I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. I love what you're doing. Frasier: Really? Well, thank you very much! I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom of everyday life. Kate: Wow. You really talk that way. Anyway, your ratings are very good. But I still think we can do better. Any ideas? She goes to a bookcase and starts unpacking a box. Frasier: How to improve my show? That is a tall order. Uh... oh, wait, you know, I was thinking of playing classical music before my intros. Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra in D Minor. Kate: It's too highbrow. I mean, I love classical music, but to most people it's a big snore. Oh, incidentally, Bartok's Concerto is in C. Frasier: Are you sure? Kate: Positive. I put myself through college working at a classical station. Let's talk about advertising. You've got a great face. I want to see it on t-shirts, I want to see it on park benches, I even want to see it on Frisbees. Everybody in Seattle should be popping it, wearing it, sitting on it! Frasier: Wonderful. You know, I hate to nitpick, but I was certain that concerto's in D. I was a music minor at Harvard. Kate: It's in C. It was commissioned by Serge Kosivinsky in 1943 for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and since then it's been recorded over thirty times-each time, in C. She gives him a "Checkmate" smile. Kate: Also, I think you should start doing theme shows. Devote a whole show to people having extramarital affairs, or devote a whole show to people with aberrant sexual practices. Could you give me a hand with that box over there? Frasier: Of course. [lifts it onto her desk and starts handing her things from it] Uh, Kate, you know, that advertising thing. It's a very good idea. But that-these theme shows, uh, it's a less good idea. You might even say a worse idea. Kate: Why is that? Frasier: Well, uh, I am a doctor, and I'd hate to have the serious work I do be tainted by commercialism. Kate: But you don't mind the Frisbees. Frasier: [hands her a "Golden Microphone" award] Well, I don't want to be entirely uncooperative. [hands her another] It's just that, well, you know, I've been in the radio game for some time now, [a third] and I think I've learned enough about broadcasting, as they say, [a fourth] to know what it is that makes my show [a fifth] a good show. [lifts the last one ] My God, you've won six Golden Mike awards? Kate: Aren't you sweet to notice. Finally, I would like you to start giving priority to the juicier calls. Frasier: That's called pandering! Kate: [lifting out a] And that is called a Peabody Award! Frasier: Well, what exactly do you expect me to do? Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, but unemployment's a snore! Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife and call in on Monday when it'll be Infidelity Day on the Frasier Crane Show!" Kate: I really know what I'm doing here. The psychiatrists at my last station went national. Frasier: Well, you know, I'd rather stay local if going national means sucking at the sump-pump of sensationalism! Kate: Well, I'm the boss, Doc. So, pucker up! Frasier: Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show. Unless you're willing to explain to the owners why you fired one of your highest- rated hosts, well then there's nothing you can do about it, is there? Kate smiles at him. SMASH CUT TO: Scene Three - Radio Booth Frasier is doing his show with Roz. The lights in the hallway are off. Frasier: Well, we're coming up on 3 A.M. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO A LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY Scene Four - KACL Frasier is finishing his show. Keith: [v.o.] I got to disagree with your last two callers. I'm in the same line of work, and I think that what we do is very important! People depend on us! [bell dings] I got to go, Doc, it's time to powder the jelly donuts. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, I hate to cut short this enthralling symposium, but perhaps we could hear from some non-bakers for a change? Roz: Wrap it up, will you? We're finally done. Frasier: Oh, thank God. Stay tuned for the news, weather, and sports. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, yadda-yadda-yadda, bye. He goes off the air. Roz comes into his booth. Frasier: Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we? Roz: Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, [throaty whisper] "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?! Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait. Roz: So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back! Frasier: Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit. Roz: Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the coffee room! I can't do this again! They leave the booth. Kate is waiting in the hallway. Kate: Good morning. Frasier: Oh, hello. Kate: Enjoying your new time slot? Frasier: As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her. Kate: Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her. Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect. Kate: Oh, yes, yes, but some people - and this is so unfortunate - can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness. Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective ...of what others expect. Kate: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences? Frasier: I think I made myself clear. Kate: Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot - now that it's free. Frasier: Good luck! Kate leaves. Roz: Nice going, Frasier, now she's never gonna give in. Frasier: Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are not a bunch of spineless twits! Bulldog sticks his head out of a door. Bulldog: [whispering] Hey! Is she gone? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Apartment Martin and Daphne are eating breakfast. Martin: You don't want this bacon, I'm giving it to Eddie. Daphne: You know that bacon's not good for him. Martin: Eddie! Hey, Eddie! Come here, boy! Eddie runs in. He's wearing a plastic cone on his neck that encircles his entire head. Martin feeds him a rasher of bacon. Martin: And can't we take that stupid thing off him? Daphne: No! The vet said if he scratches the scabs, they'll never heal. And I have noticed that if you sit him next to the telly, Channel Five comes in a lot clearer. Martin: Look at him, he's humiliated! From the apartment above, a dog barks. Daphne: Yeah, well, it doesn't help that that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in. Eddie barks toward the ceiling. Martin: You tell him, boy! Frasier comes out of his room in his dressing gown. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M. [stares at Eddie] Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep. Eddie ducks his head. Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion- Frasier: DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reichschancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire s*x can put a sock in it! He goes back to his room. Martin: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that. Daphne: [gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie? She sticks two fingers in her mouth and blasts a shrill whistle. Frasier: [o.s.] Damn it! Daphne opens the door and runs into Niles, who looks weirdly overconfident. Niles: Morning, Daphne. Where are you off to? Daphne: Oh, I'm taking Eddie for a walk. Niles: By yourself? Daphne: Yes, of course. Why not? Niles: It's dangerous out there. You never know when you might need... [pulls a small revolver from his briefcase] one of these. Daphne: A starter's pistol? Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane. But thanks for the thought. She goes into the hall, laughing. Niles: How did she know it wasn't a real gun? It fooled the servants, even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas. Martin: You bought a starter's pistol? Niles: [gesturing with the gun] Yes, you see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt. As if to punctuate the word "hurt," he accidentally pulls the trigger, firing a blank shot that sends him hopping up onto the couch like a frightened cat. Even Martin is shaken. Frasier rushes in. Frasier: What the hell was that?! Was that a gunshot?! Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up? Frasier: "Just getting up?!" Are you out of your mind?! A gun just went off in here! Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol. Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM! Martin: You know, Niles, you shouldn't have any kind of gun, really. Come to think of it, now that Mr. Sunshine's home during the day, maybe I shouldn't either! Frasier: Just relax. It won't be long before my loyal fans protest, and the afternoon slot is once again home to the compassionate and lovable Dr. Frasier Crane. [opens the front door] Now get the hell out, both of you! Martin: All right, maybe I can catch up to Daphne in the park. Niles: I'll cover you. Martin and Niles go out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - KACL Frasier, wearing a grimy sweatsuit, is in his chair. A cup-holder with four cups of coffee sits next to him. Behind him, Roz, wearing a slinky evening dress, takes one. Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'll be taking your calls for the next four hours. Roz, who's on the line? Roz: How should I know? I just got here. Frasier pushes the button himself. Frasier: Hello, Line Two, you're on with Dr. Frasier Crane. Mark: [v.o.] Uh, hey, Dr. Crane. It's Mark. Frasier: Hello, Mark. I'm listening. Mark: OK. Uh, well, I work at this all-night mini-mart, and, um, I've been watching myself on the video camera, and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of. Frasier puts a hand on his face. Roz listlessly goes into her booth. DISSOLVE TO: Later Frasier and Roz are both fast asleep in their chairs. A woman (Phyllis) is on the line. Phyllis: [v.o.] People think insomnia is a laughing matter, but it's hell. If I don't get some sleep soon, I'll just-I'll go crazy! You've got to help me, Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane? Hey, I'm talking here! Frasier and Roz wake up. Frasier: What?! I'm listening. Phyllis: So what do you think I should do? Frasier looks at Roz. She's shrugs to say she's stumped. He decides to wing it. Frasier: Well, you know, sometimes these things seem clearer in the light of day. My advice is to sleep on it. Phyllis: Is that some kind of a joke?! To make fun of the insomniac?! Frasier: Oh, no- She hangs up. Frasier sighs. Roz signals him to go to commercial. Frasier: Oh, oh, and now for a word from, um, uh, ah, [shuffles some papers on his console] I forget, I think they sell paint. He goes to commercial. Roz comes into the booth. Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet. Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight. Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks! Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line! Roz: [losing it] OK, let me make it easy for you: freaks! Freaks on Line One! Freaks on Line Two! Freaks, everywhere! Frasier: [grabbing her] Roz, Roz, Roz! We shouldn't get mad at each other. Oh God, this is all Kate's fault. Roz: You're right, you're right, she's ruining us! And there's nothing we can do. Frasier: Yes, there is! If we're gonna go down, we're gonna take her down with us! We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz? Roz: Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty! Frasier: OK! Roz goes back into her booth and grabs some SFX carts. Frasier goes back on and speaks in a raucous shock-DJ voice. Frasier: We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words, who wants to talk about s*x?! s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x! Roz plays a cart. There is the sound of a whip cracking. Frasier: YEAH! I want to know who's having s*x! How you're having it! I want to know if you're having it right now! Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot! [sultry voice] Really hot! Frasier: Thank you, Kitty. [punches button] Hello, Caller. What are you wearing? Nancy: [v.o.] Nothing. I'm naked. Frasier: Hey, that's a great idea! Let's all get naked! Hey, I'm getting naked right now! He reaches down and pulls off his shoes. Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker, or the spankee. Nancy: Oh, definitely the spanker. In his booth, Frasier is stripped down to his underwear. Frasier: Well then, hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants! Roz whoops as Frasier twirls his pants over his head. [SCENE_BREAK] WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING Scene Five - Kate's Office Frasier, still wearing his sweatsuit, is sitting in Kate's office. She leans against her desk, listening to a tape of Frasier's performance. Frasier: [on tape] While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL - all talk, all night, all naked! Frasier looks a little sheepish. Kate stops the tape. Kate: Explain. Frasier: As George Bernard Shaw once said, "there are two tragedies in life. One is not getting what we want, and the other is getting it." Kate: You know full well this is not what I wanted! You did this to vex me. And you succeeded. And it was not Shaw, it was Oscar Wilde. Did you ever open a book at Harvard? Frasier: You know, one of these days, you're going to misquote someone, and I'm going to land on you like a sumo wrestler! Kate: All I wanted, all I wanted was a lousy little theme show once or twice a week! Frasier: Oh, yeah! "Frasier Crane takes a leering look at infidelity!" Kate: No, not a leering look! Just a good look. At the pain of infidelity, at what it does to families, at what it does to children, at what it does to the fabric of society, and this is just off the top of my head. But, no! You are such an arrogant gasbag, so used to being cock-of-the-walk around here that you can't stand still for one minute and listen to a perfectly valid suggestion from somebody else! Frasier: [blood up] And you are such a smug egomaniac that your entire self-image would shatter like a cheap mirror if you ever had to admit that you had made a mistake! Kate's jaw drops. Frasier: You are a classic case of neurotic narcissism, and a first- class SMARTY-PANTS! [pause] You can go ahead and fire me now. Kate: [sits back down] Yes, I could do that, yeah. But I'm not going to. Frasier: Did you listen to the whole tape? Kate: Oh, yeah. But, unlike you, I put what's good for the station above my personal feelings. Frasier: Well, that's-that's awfully big of you. [sits back down] Guess that means I'll be moving back to my old time slot. Kate: Guess again, Captain Midnight! If I give you back your old time slot without your making a single concession to me, that would completely undermine my authority. Being a crack shrink, surely that's within your grasp. Frasier: [stands and leans over her desk] Grasp this: if I don't get my old time slot, I quit! Kate: [stands face-to-face with him] Grasp this: you do, and I'll sue you for breach of contract! Frasier: OK, then it's a stalemate! If we don't want to remain entrenched in these positions forever, one of us had better think of something! Kate: Yes, one of us better. They sit down again. There is silence as they both ponder as hard as they can. Frasier: I've got it! Kate: [hits her chair arm] Damn! CUT TO: Outside Kate's office. Gil and Bulldog walk to the door. Bulldog: So, we're together, right? Gil: Absolutely. Bulldog: We're not letting her push us around any longer! Gil: Nope. You do the talking. I'll stand behind you and burn holes through her with my "You call this a Hollandaise sauce?!" glare. Frasier storms out of the office, Kate following him. Frasier: I don't care what you say, I like theme shows! And I'm going to do them, starting this Friday with "Frasier Crane takes a look at the consequences of infidelity!" Kate: You do, and I'll make you start that show with classical music! Bartok's Concerto in C, I don't care how much you hate it! Frasier: Damn you! Kate: It's my way, or no way. Frasier: [crushed] You win. Bartok it is. He leaves the hallway. Kate: What do you two want? Bulldog: Nothing. Gil: Keep up the good work. They leave. Kate smooths her jacket and smiles, authority restored. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment Martin hits the television, trying to restore the picture. Daphne picks up Eddie, still in his cone, and places him on top of the TV in a sitting position. Martin watches the picture, telling her how to adjust Eddie for best reception.
Plan: A: New station manager; Q: What is Kate Costas' job title? A: KACL Kate Costas; Q: Who is the new station manager at KACL? A: Mercedes Ruehl; Q: Who plays Kate Costas? A: a reputation; Q: What does Kate Costas have for being a fearsome perfectionist? A: her last radio station; Q: Where was Kate Costas afraid of? A: Frasier; Q: Who refuses Kate Costas' demands to change his show? A: various sensationalist ways; Q: How does Kate Costas want to change Frasier's show? A: priority; Q: What does Kate Costas want Frasier to give to "juicier calls"? A: His show; Q: What is moved to the graveyard shift as a result of Kate Costas's demands? A: Roz; Q: Who is bitterly resentful of Kate Costas? Summary: New station manager at KACL Kate Costas (Mercedes Ruehl) has a reputation for being a fearsome perfectionist, and everyone at her last radio station was afraid of her. Frasier refuses her demands to change his show in various sensationalist ways (such as themed shows and giving priority to "juicier calls"). His show is moved to the graveyard shift as a result, spoiling his sleep patterns and making Roz bitterly resentful.
Lucifer is on a gurney, in a hospital. Lucifer: I'm not the Devil, I'm just a man who's delusional. I made it all up. I made it all... Up. 36 hours earlier, Lucifer has a session with Linda. Lucifer: I'm doing great. Linda: Great. Great is... Good... Lucifer: Okay, good talk. Same time next week? Linda: Uh, sorry, it's just that... Some of the things that you said in our last session raised some issues for me. Lucifer: Do tell. Linda: So this secret plan to cut through the Gates of Heaven... Lucifer: Well, actually, we've hit a bit of a snag with that. The Flaming Sword's kaput. Now, we can't work out what's wrong with it, and until we can, we're in a bit of a holding pattern. Linda: Ah, that's a relief. Lucifer: Well, why would you say that? Linda: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity. Lucifer: Oh, you'll probably be fine. Linda: Probably? That's not exactly reassuring. What does Maze think of your plan? Lucifer: Well, I don't know. I haven't told her. Hence the secret part of the secret plan. Linda: She's your best friend. Lucifer: Yes, well, as much as I love my little s*x thug, Maze can do things that she thinks are in my best interest that turn out to be, well, disastrous. And I can't afford that. Linda: Hmm. Lucifer: But the good news is she's busy focusing on her new bestie right now. The Detective. They're practically inseparable. Chloe tries to avoid Maze. Maze: Hey, roomie. Where you going? Chloe: Maze, hey. Um, I'm on my way to work. I'm running late. Maze: Oh, no, but you haven't had breakfast, come on. Chloe: No, I'm... Oh, yeah, no, I'm not hungry. Maze: Yeah, I know, the whole boring domestic thing... Not my jam. I should stick to managing the social part of our friendship. You want to kick someone's ass? Chloe: Maze, I feel like, you know, we've been hanging out a lot lately. And I think perhaps we should expand our circle of friends. Maze: I got you, Decker. Chloe: Yeah? You do? Maze: I smell what you're stepping in... Trust me. Chloe and Lucifer are walking in a hospital's hallway. Chloe: You know, you should give a Maze a call. Hasn't it been a while since you two hung out? Lucifer: Tired of tripping over her s*x toys, are you? Chloe: I didn't say that. I just think it would do her, and me, some good if she wasn't around all the time. Lucifer: Well, here's the thing. Maze is like one of those little baby birds that imprints on whatever's near. Sadly, that's you. You are the new me. Chloe: I don't want to be you. I just want some space. Lucifer: Oh. Eventually Maze will find her place, but until then, what's the worst that could happen? They enter in the crime scene. Ella: Murder. Confirmed. Blunt-force trauma to the back of the head. The victim got hit with this backgammon board. Lucifer: Not very sportsmanlike. Ella: Hmm-mm. He was an orderly. Toby Mulligan, 32. Body was found here. Chloe: Okay. They interview the staff or the patients yet? Ella: No, not yet. It's a psychiatric hospital, so the staff didn't want the patients wigging out over the dead body. They've been busy moving everyone to a different floor. Lucifer: I love the mentally ill. I mean, who isn't amused by someone who thinks they're Elvis or Napoleon or Wesley Snipes? Chloe: Who found the body? Daniel: God. Lucifer: Ah! See?! Daniel: God Johnson, he's a patient. He's right in there. The guy actually thinks he's God. He changed his name and everything. Chloe: Oh. You two should have a lot to talk about. Lucifer: Yes. I would like to have a chat with the Almighty. Daniel: Cool your jets, man, all right? There's a whole bunch of bureaucratic hoops to jump through to set up an interview. The hospital administrator has all the info. Lucifer enters in an office to talk to God Johnson. Lucifer: Well, hello, God. God Johnson: Hello, my son. Lucifer: Right, yes, I suppose that would be the standard way to greet your children. Nice touch. God Johnson: What can I do for you? Lucifer: Well, it's what I can do for you that's exciting. See, I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you've chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He's benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He's a dick. God Johnson: Look, if you want to be angry with me, you just go right on ahead. I can be anything you need me to be. Lucifer: Right, enough of this idle chit-chat. Time to tell you what the charade's really about. What do you desire? Hmm? To avoid a vengeful ex-wife? Years of back taxes? What's your game? Lucifer is using is power on God Johnson, it's not working. God Johnson: Is this a staring contest? 'Cause, you know, I'm pretty good at those. Lucifer: How is this possible? Oh, right, yes, I bet you're on some really amazing drugs, aren't you? If so, share-zies. A nurse enters. Nurse: You're not supposed to be in here. Lucifer: Oh, never mind. I'm done with this fraud, anyway. God Johnson: It was real good seeing you, Samael. Lucifer: What did you say? Dad? Lucifer talks with Amenadiel about God Johnson at the penthouse. Lucifer: Has Dad ever visited Earth before? Amenadiel: Not that I'm aware of. And besides, why would He do so now? Lucifer: Mm. I don't know, maybe because we're plotting to overthrow Him. Amenadiel: Even so, Luci, that's not the way Dad operates. If He has a problem, He sends an emissary, like me, or maybe a burning bush. Lucifer: So how does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name. Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know. Lucifer: You do? Amenadiel: The Internet! It's truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box? Lucifer: Very funny, but I didn't even introduce myself as Lucifer. And there's something strange about... I can't explain it. Amenadiel: Because it's just crazy talk coming from a mentally ill human. Lucifer: Well, there might be another reason. Amenadiel: Right. What's that? Lucifer: Well, Earth is His favourite toy. Maybe He got fed up of looking at it from afar. I mean, it's not an entirely awful place. Even you have to admit that. Amenadiel: Now you're the one sounding crazy, Luci, because Earth... Earth is nothing compared to Heaven. Lucifer: Oh, come now, brother. I think you've grown to like the place, haven't you? Come on, be honest. When we return to Heaven, there must be something that you're gonna miss, eh? Or someone, maybe? Someone in tight leather pants with a penchant for knives? I'm referring to Maze, of course. Chloe, Lucifer and Ella are at the lab. Ella: Come on, guys. Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us? Chloe: Just a slob, like one of us. Ella: Exactly. Or just a... Chloe: A stranger on a bus. Lucifer: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic. Ella: What song? Lucifer: The song I hate almost as much as I hate these hypocrites, like God Johnson. Chloe: Hypocrite? Hmm, I don't know. I see some similarities between the two of you. Lucifer: That man is not my father. Ella: Well, good thing, 'cause he might be our killer. Whaaat? Oh, my God, Ella, how do you know that? I'll tell you how I know that, because our victim was bald. It's very hard to get prints off a body, so I whipped out the ultraviolet alternate light source, and... Boom, complete set on the victim's noggin. They match one Earl Johnson, wealthy oil magnate from Odessa, Texas. Chloe: Huh. It says here his wife committed him a few months ago after he gave all of his money away and started calling himself "God." Mr. Johnson never said that he touched the victim's body. Lucifer: Left out the killing part as well. And proving he's the killer is the perfect way to expose his false idolatry. Right, shall we? Chloe: No, we shan't. Because you spoke to him without permission, I had to apply for a special hearing just to interview him. That'll take at least a few days, so thank you for that. Lucifer enters at the hospital with a bag. Lucifer: Hello, there. I'd like a suite for the evening, please. Preferably one with a view. Receptionist: Are you joking? This is a psychiatric hospital. Lucifer: Apologies, I'm skipping ahead. Uh, I am the one and only Lucifer Morningstar... The Devil. Dark Lord? Oh, for goodness sake, Beelzebub! Look, I clearly need to be committed right away. Receptionist: Yeah, we're at near capacity, pal. So unless you're a danger to yourself or others... Lucifer grabs the receptionist. Lucifer: How's that? Receptionist: Great. Lucifer: Lovely. Daniel opens the fridge at the station. Daniel: Dammit! Who stole my pudding again? Huh? Markowitz? Charlotte: Want a taste? Daniel: Don't you have better things to do than to raid our fridge? Charlotte: I was about to leave this place altogether, but I hit an unexpected snag... Now I need to distract myself with something... Hello, something. Daniel: You know, just in case I'm giving off an "I have zero self-respect" vibe, let me make it clear... Hands off. I'd rather sit at home alone, and in the dark, than to hang out with you. Charlotte: Sassy. I like it. Lucifer goes to see patients. Lucifer: Deal me in, gentlemen. Oh, and lady. Tourette: Buy in's ten thousand big ones. Lucifer: Oh, right, high stakes. I like it. Tourette: Pig farts! Crash and burn. Lucifer: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right. Lady: 200. Dale: I swear, I am gonna stab you in the eye if you do not stop dealing me crap! Call. Pete: I'm out. Lucifer: Um, ten thousand, all in. Lady: Fold. Lucifer: What do you know about God Johnson? Pete: I like fire. Lucifer: Right, never mind. Moustache: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle. Lucifer: Really? Moustache: He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh. Lucifer: Useless. Royal flush. Dale: Cheater! Tourette: Red pubic hair! Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Lucifer catches a pant with his face. Dr. Garrity: Billy, what did I tell you about throwing your underwear? Billy: They're not mine. Dr. Garrity: Really? 'Cause you're naked. Lucifer: Yes, I'm more of a boxer briefs guy, but thank you. Dr. Garrity: Sorry about that. You must be Lucifer. I'm Dr. Garrity. Lucifer: Oh. Yes. Dr. Garrity: Can we talk later? I have to get him to his electroshock treatment. Lucifer: Really? Dr. Garrity: Just kidding. Lucifer: Yes. Dr. Garrity: You, this way. Come. Lucifer: Very good. Dr. Garrity: Let's go find you some pants. God Johnson left. Lucifer: What the hell. Lucifer finds God Johnson. He is killing someone. Lucifer: Aha! Of course, you're the murderer. Right, suppose I should thwart you now. Off to jail, cowboy. Lucifer stops God Johnson. God Johnson: No, please, I have to save her. Lucifer: What do you mean, save her? God Johnson heals the lady. Lucifer: It really is you... You son of a bitch. Lucifer hits God Johnson. Chloe visits Lucifer at the hospital. Chloe: Why the hell would you get yourself committed? Lucifer: I did it to help the investigation. Hey. What do you think? It's a good likeness, isn't it? Chloe: That's it, I'm pulling the plug. I'm getting you out of here, now. Lucifer: No, no, no, no. You were the one who said it would be difficult to interview God Johnson. So, I took some initiative. I went undercover. You must admit having an inside man could be quite effective. Chloe: So, you're doing this just to help the case? Lucifer: Well, there may also be some personal issues I'd like to explore with Mr. Johnson. But yes, the main reason I came was to prove he's the killer. Chloe: Is that why you punched him? To force a confession? Lucifer: Not exactly, but he had it coming. You see, Detective, it turns out, he may actually be my father after all. Chloe: You've decided that the lead suspect in this investigation may be your father? Lucifer: I know that God Johnson is not the killer. Chloe: And you know that because... Lucifer: Because another patient was attacked last night and I saw God Johnson heal her. And here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her. Chloe: Great. Who is it? Lucifer: Santa Claus. Chloe and Dr. Garrity are talking in the court. Chloe: He's always been... Quirky, but now, he's... I-I don't know. I'm-I'm worried about him. Dr. Garrity: Well, Lucifer certainly is an interesting case, but I can't really discuss the, uh, specifics of his diagnosis. Now, is he your, um... Uh, fiancé? I mean, uh, boyfriend? Chloe: No. Lucifer's a co-worker. Dr. Garrity: Good, good. Well... I'm sorry. I mean, that's good to know. That's, um, information, which is helpful, 'cause it's informative. Chloe: Right. Yes, of course, yes. Nurse Kipsy: Dr. Garrity? It's time for music therapy. Dr. Garrity: Thank you, Nurse Kipsy. Chloe: I should get going anyhow. Dr. Garrity: Well, listen, um, if maybe, uh, if you want to talk some more, about Lucifer or, uh, anything else, uh, feel free, uh, to give me a call. My cell phone number's there. Chloe: Thank you. Dr. Garrity: Okay. Chloe's phone rings. Chloe: Hey, Maze. What's up? Lucifer goes to talk to God Johnson. Lucifer: I'll give you one chance to apologize. God Johnson: Apologize? You punched me. Tell you what I can do: I can forgive you. Lucifer: Taking the high ground, are we? Magnificent. Well, I may have struck the latest blow, but that is only in response to the litany of offenses that you, dear old Dad, have bestowed upon me. God Johnson: So you believe me? Good. Tell me, just what is it you think I've done? Lucifer: Oh, we're going there, are we? Right, let's see. Um, casting me into Hell for eternity because you haven't got the balls to get your own cowardly hands dirty. Manipulating me with the Detective, giving me the illusion of control. You are a... Patronizing, sinister, helicopter parent! God Johnson: So you think you have no free will. Lucifer: Every bad thing that's happened throughout eternity is your doing, not mine! It's all part of "God's Plan." Even Mum's coming here and manipulation of me was part of it. God Johnson: Your mother's here? Lucifer: Oh! Look who cares now. God Johnson: Oh, my. Oh, well, that is something. I still remember the first moment we met... Mmm. There was nothing, just darkness and... Then she appeared... It did not take long for us to light up the universe. Lucifer: Much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, I want an apology... Nay. Nay, I demand penance. You must atone for what you've done. God Johnson: Now, that's not the Samael I remember. Lucifer: No. No, Dad, this is who you made me when you cast me away! Now apologize! Lucifer's eyes light. Linda enters in the office. Linda: Uh, Lucifer? Chloe is at the phone with Maze. Maze is at Lux. Maze: Guy sounds like he wants to bang. Chloe: He's Lucifer's doctor, Maze. Maze: So what? Doctors don't want to get laid? Chloe: Does everything always have to be about s*x with you? Maze: Yeah. Chloe: He was just trying to be helpful. Maze: We should invite him on the booze cruise. Chloe: What booze cruise? Maze: Tonight. I had a friend set up a yacht. You know, it'll be like a hip-hop video. You said you wanted to expand our circle of friends. Chloe: That's not what I meant at all. Maze: Oh. You want to ride solo with Dr. McHotty. I can get behind that. Or on top, dealer's choice. I'm kidding. Okay, I'll set it all up. You won't have to lift a finger. Let me help you. Chloe: I don't want, nor need, your help with setting up a date. I'm good. Maze: Why not? You and I are flowing, Chlo. Same page. Chloe: Nope. Different books altogether. Maze: You crack me up, Decker. Ella is singing at her lab. Chloe enters. Ella: Oh, my God, Chloe, this song is so good. Chloe: Yeah, yeah. People seemed to really like it... In 1995. Ella: Oh, my God, and the music video. Chloe: Uh... Oh. Ella: What's going on? Chloe: So, um, by chance, have you found any evidence pointing to, um... Santa Claus? Ella: I was gonna ask you the exact same thing. Chloe: Really? Ella: Yes. Long white hair. Found it on the victim's clothes. Wasn't sure what it was, but yeah, totally screams Santa. I'll have it tested ASAP. Chloe: I could see if you're mentally troubled, you see someone with long white hair commit a crime, you could call him Santa Claus. Right? Chloe is looking for the patient's pictures. Chloe: Kind of like this guy. Ella: Uh, yeah. Dude looks exactly like the creepy drunk Santa at the mall when I was a kid. Chloe: Too bad setting up an interview would take forever... Without a doctor's permission. Ella: Ooh. Chloe: A doctor's permission... Chloe phones Maze. Maze: Yeah? Chloe: Hey, Maze. You still want to help me? Lucifer pushes Linda in a wheelchair in the hospital's hallway. Linda: Okay, so that was "God" God back there? As in capital "G"? I didn't bow. Lucifer: I should have bowed. You should have spit in His face. Linda: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Lucifer: Then you're no use to me, Doctor. What on earth are you doing here anyway? Linda: Chloe sent me to check on you because she was worried. But now, I'm worried. Please tell me you're not still planning on having your mom and God destroy each other. Lucifer: Don't be silly. That plan won't work anymore. Linda: Oh. Oh, good. Maybe I should've curtsied. Lucifer: Unfortunately, Dad seems to be soft on Mum. Like he still has feelings for her. Which gives me another way to punish them, far more tortuous than death. Linda: And we're back to "not good." Lucifer: No, no, no, no, this is better. And you, my dear doctor, are going to help me. Lucifer has a reunion with all the patients. Lucifer: Okay, you've all been chosen to help with a very special mission called "Operation Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital." God Johnson: Mm, that's a little on the nose, son. Lucifer: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe. You know that, Dad? Pete: Escape? But we get pudding here. Lucifer: Oh, look, I know the puddings are good, but there must be more that you all desire. I mean, come on, Pete. I know desserts aren't the only thing that tickle your fancy, are they? Hmm? Pete: I do want to watch it all burn. Lucifer: Right. Lucifer lights a lighter. Lucifer: Then fire away. Pete: Oh... Lucifer: Go, go, go, go, go. Right. Lady: I want to turn the lights on... And off. Lucifer: Good! Go! I love a good rave. Who's next? Billy: I want to throw underwear at heads. Lucifer: Laundry room! Right? Go forth, people. Come on. Liberate yourselves. Play to your strengths. God Johnson: So this is your big plan for busting us out of here. Encouraging a man to steal underwear? Lucifer: No, no. That was just for fun. The fire alarm rings. Lucifer: That is how we're gonna escape from here. Come on. The patients do whatever they want. Lucifer and God Johnson are hiding near a way out. God Johnson: All right. It was a pretty good plan. Lucifer: Thank you. You've got a, um... Hmm? It's just... Come here. Linda opens the door. Lucifer: Ah, right. Uh, Linda, Dad. Dad, Linda. God Johnson: A handshake'll do, my beautiful child. Linda: Okay. Lucifer: Right, are we finished? Come on, let's get a wriggle on. Let's go. They escape. Chloe gets prepare for her date. Maze: I've seen your mom dress sluttier than this. Chloe: Okay, Maze, this is an interrogation disguised as a casual dinner. There's no need to get dolled up. Please don't tell me you made reservations at somewhere fancy. Maze: Opposite of fancy. It's here. Chloe: Here. Why? Maze: Well, duh, your bedroom's here. Where else are we gonna have s*x? Chloe: For the last time, Maze, we're not having a threesome. Maze: I'm okay to watch. Someone knocks on the door. Maze: Showtime. It's Amenadiel. Chloe: Oh, an orgy? Definitely off the table. Charlotte is at Lux. Charlotte: Lucifer? What is it you wanted to show me? The music and lights turn on. God Johnson: Well, now. You are as radiant as the moment we first met. Linda and Lucifer are spying. Linda: Explain to me what's going on, please. Lucifer: I'm trying to recreate their first date. Linda: You're... What? Wait. You're trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess? Lucifer: What? It worked in the movie. Don't you see? With Dad here on Earth, I don't need the Flaming Sword or a trip to Heaven to exact my revenge. Linda: Okay, but how is having them fall in love again revenge? Lucifer: Oh, trust me, Doctor, after a brief re-honeymoon period, they'll start torturing each other like they always do. Mum and Dad together are their own worst punishment. It's genius. Charlotte: Do I know you? God Johnson: Only since the beginning of time. Charlotte: What is this? Where's Lucifer? God Johnson: Aw, who knows. That son of ours is unpredictable, to say the least. Charlotte: Husband? Is this really you? God Johnson: In the flesh. Charlotte hits God Johnson in the nuts. God Johnson: Oh! God... Charlotte: You put me in Hell, you b*st*rd. At Chloe and Maze's apartment, the none date continues. Dr. Garrity: Uh, it's a great pizza. Uh, never tried pineapple and jalapeño before. Chloe: Yes, I know. Uh, Maze has very eccentric tastes. I would, I would've made something if I had notice. You know. Any notice. Dr. Garrity: No, no. I-It's great. You know, I like trying new things. Meeting new people. Amenadiel: Are you gonna eat that? Dr. Garrity: N-No. No. So, um, Maze. Uh, where are you from? Maze: Hell. By the way, I changed the sheets on Decker's bed. She's good to go. Chloe: Okay. Excuse me. Maze, can I speak to you for a second? Maze: Oh. Amenadiel: I like the shape of your head. Maze and Chloe are talking apart. Chloe: What the hell are you doing? I'm not Lucifer. I don't need what he needs. What I need is a friend. Maze: You want your privacy. Gotcha, Decker... Psst. Amenadiel joins Maze. Chloe comes back to the doctor. Chloe: Excuse my roommate. Sh... Dr. Garrity: No, that's, uh, it's nothing compared to the, uh, intriguing folks I deal with at work. Chloe: I can imagine. I-I actually would love to hear about that. Maze and Amenadiel are talking in the kitchen. Maze: Why are you here? I wasn't planning on having s*x with you again, but... Whatever, right? At least someone's getting laid. Amenadiel: I'm not here for s*x, Maze. Maze: Okay. Then, what? Amenadiel: I just... There's not much time before we're gone. Maze: What, are you going on a vacation? Amenadiel: I'm not sure I'd call what Lucifer, Mom and I are doing going a vacation, but... Lucifer didn't tell you. Maze: Tell me what? I told you never to lie to me again, Amenadiel. Tell me what? Amenadiel: We're all going back to Heaven. [SCENE_BREAK] Chloe asks question to the Doctor Garrity. Chloe: So tell me, how, how do you have your job and stay sane? Dr. Garrity: Oh, uh... Years of practice, um... Drugs. Mostly drugs. Chloe: Mm. Dr. Garrity: But, um, but, seriously, um, I just... I try and see beneath the DSM. Try to remember that each one of them is a person. Chloe: Yeah. I, uh, I saw this older gentleman the other day. Uh, long white hair. White beard. He reminded me of my crazy Uncle Al. Dr. Garrity: You must be talking about Dale. Chloe: Yeah, what's his deal? Is he one of the violent ones? Um... Dr. Garrity: Uh... Um, what kind of civil servant are you, exactly? Doctor Garrity receives a text. Dr. Garrity: Wow. Well, this evening just got even more interesting. Apparently, your co-worker, Lucifer, just escaped and took God Johnson with him. Charlotte asks Lucifer some explanation. Charlotte: What's he doing here, Lucifer? Lucifer: I don't know. You married him. Charlotte: Well, it kind of ruins our plans to storm the Gates of Heaven and destroy him. Lucifer: Well, I'm thinking we might not need to do that anymore. Charlotte: I will never forgive him, if that's what you're getting at. Lucifer: The point is, Mum, that I think Dad... Sincerely misses you. God Johnson: Well, of course I do. How could I not? Look at you. An absolute vision. Glowing, even now. Charlotte: Oh, you have no idea. Lucifer: I'm just gonna... Doctor. God Johnson: For the life of me, I can't even remember why we were fighting. Charlotte: The flames? Eternal damnation? The... Kind of hard to forget. God Johnson: I am so sorry that you suffered. Charlotte: Well, I su... Suppose I should apologize for trying to destroy your precious toy with floods and with plagues and whatnot. I guess humanity isn't entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple crème Brie. God Johnson: You hear about dancing? Charlotte: Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once. Lucifer turns on the music. God Johnson: Would you do me this honour? They dance. Linda: You sure it's revenge you're after? Lucifer: Of course it is. What else would it be? God Johnson: What's the matter? Charlotte: This. I didn't think this was possible. It wasn't part of the plan. God Johnson: So, maybe... Maybe we make a new plan. This time, we make it together. They kiss. Chloe enters. Chloe: Lucifer! Lucifer: Detective! Chloe: Seriously? Some guys take God Johnson. Chloe: Okay, outside now. Lucifer is back in his room at the hospital. Chloe: First you check yourself into a mental hospital, only to kidnap another patient and escape. Lucifer, how is that helping? Lucifer: Well, i-if you must know, God Johnson is indeed my father, and, uh, I needed to do a little matchmaking. Chloe: With him and Charlotte Richards? I mean, I'm scared to know how she ties into all this. Lucifer: Well, never mind that. What about our killer? Hmm? Did you find proof of Santa Claus? Nurse Kipsy: Time for your meds. Lucifer: Ooh, lovely. Thank you. Right. Unexpected perk of the place. Chloe: Maybe it's a good thing there's another day on your 72-hour hold. You know? Maybe being here is the best thing for you right now. Lucifer: Okay. Chloe knocks on Dr. Garrity's door office. Chloe: Hey. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I lied. I, um... Sometimes with work, I get shortsighted. And I never wanted to... Dr. Garrity: Use me? Chloe: Yeah. Dr. Garrity: If you had just been up-front with me, I would've told you that Dale, the guy you were asking about, he's been here for 15 years. Yeah, he can seem a bit prickly, but he's a teddy bear. He's got no violent tendencies. There is just no way he'd kill someone. Chloe: All right. Dr. Garrity: Legally, I can't let you look at Dale's medical file... But, um... What happens when I turn away is, um, out of my hands. Chloe: Thank you. Dr. Garrity: Yeah. Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince needs my help. Wow. Chloe: Thanks... Santa Claus? Chloe and Garrity are walking. Dr. Garrity: Okay, so what's the big deal? Someone dresses up as Santa every year. Patients love it. Chloe: Yeah, well, that someone could be the killer. Dr. Garrity: But a different person does it every year. Even I did it a few years back. Okay, we store the, uh, costume in here. Garrity opens a cabinet. Chloe takes a box. Chloe: Wait, wait, wait... Where's the beard? The red hat? Dr. Garrity: It should be in there. Chloe: Okay, two things. Who else has a key to that cabinet? And... I need you to put these on. Lucifer is junk. Santa Klaus enters in his room. Lucifer: Ooh, ooh. These drugs are a bit different, aren't they? 'Cause I can't feel my tongue. Oh. Hello, pretty kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... Santa, you're here as well? Oh, I'm afraid I've been a naughty boy. Santa Klaus knocks him out. Nurse Kipsy pushes Lucifer in the hospital. Lucifer: You may want to see this, I am actually the Devil. Nurse Kipsy: No, you're not the Devil. You're just a man who's delusional in a mental hospital. You made it all up. Lucifer: So... I'm not the Devil. I'm just a man who's delusional. I made it all up... I made it all up! I made it all up. God Johnson: Hello, son. Lucifer: Dad! See? I am the Devil. Nice try, Santa. Nurse Kipsy: Tell me what you told the police. Lucifer: Only the truth. That you, Mr. Kringle, are a cold-blooded killer. Nurse Kipsy: What else? God Johnson: What do you want to know, Nurse Kipsy? Nurse Kipsy: Why aren't the drugs working on you? Lucifer: Well, it's obvious, isn't it? It's because he's God! Uh, oh. Hey. Hey, they shouldn't be working on me, either, but... Is the Detective still here? That might explain it. Nurse Kipsy: Shut up. Lucifer: Okay. Nurse Kipsy: Doesn't matter. Now you know it's me, I have to kill you both. Chloe is still with the doctor. Dr. Garrity: What's that for? Chloe: A long shot... Chloe gets a hand print. Chloe: Okay. She takes a picture. Dr. Garrity: That's got to be the coolest thing I've ever seen. I'd-I'd applaud, you know, if I weren't cuffed. Chloe: Sorry about that. It's just a precaution. Dr. Garrity: Hey, I get it. Chloe: Bingo. Dr. Garrity: Wow. That was fast. Chloe: Yeah, you don't know Ella. The print belongs to one Patricia Hightower. Dr. Garrity: We have a patient named Sue Hightower, the one God Johnson attacked. Chloe: Okay. I'm waiting on a DMV photo. She looks familiar. Dr. Garrity: That's Nurse Kipsy. Nurse Kipsy explains why she kills the orderly. Nurse Kipsy: I changed my name so no one would know she's my mother... She was a raging bitch my entire life... Controlling, manipulative... She tortured me... So I decided to torture her. Pumped her full of drugs, drove her crazy. Lucifer: Preaching to the choir, sister. Evil parents deserve to be punished. You had every right to destroy her. But what about the orderly? Nurse Kipsy: He found out what I was doing. He... Said he was gonna turn me in. I had no choice. Lucifer: No, he was innocent and you killed him, so I am gonna have to punish you... Why aren't I pulverizing you? Nurse Kipsy: Uh, one because you're a nutjob. And two, because I switched out your normal meds with a massive dose of Haldol. You know... They don't normally let patients wear belts. Suicide risk. So, thank you for getting a special dispensation for yours because now I got it. God is gonna kill Lucifer, then hang himself... Kind of poetic, don't you think? Gonna go find a ladder. Lucifer: Oh, a ladder. God Johnson: Now, I had no idea you were so angry with me. Lucifer: Really? 'Cause I... I've been pretty up-front about it. God Johnson: But to want to destroy me? That's pretty serious. You mind telling me why? Lucifer: Because... Because I'm your son. And... You rejected me. God Johnson: Oh... Well, then I guess I can't say as I blame you. Fact of the matter is, I don't even remember why I was ever so angry with you to begin with... For what it's worth... I am sorry. I truly am... And I am proud of you, Samael. I am proud of the man you've become... So, what do you say...Wait, no. Not... Not my belt. You can't take my belt. It's mine. Chloe arrives. Chloe: Patricia Hightower, LAPD. Don't move. Lucifer: Detective. Chloe: You okay? Lucifer: Honestly... I've never felt better. Earl Johnson: What this? What-What just happened? Lucifer: What are you talking about? We just beat Santa. Earl Johnson: Who are you? Lucifer: It's me, Dad. Lucifer. Earl Johnson: Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on? Get me out of these damn things. Lucifer watches the belt. Lucifer: "The piece is here." At the penthouse, Lucifer reunites the sword and the missing piece. Lucifer: Well, what do you know? Amenadiel: It fits perfectly. Lucifer: Yes, I think this is what Uriel was trying to tell me... Just before he died, he whispered in my ear, "The piece is here." I mean, I thought it was nonsense, but... This must be why the sword wasn't working. It wasn't complete. Amenadiel: Dad supposedly destroyed the Flaming Sword after the rebellion. So, are you saying he just broke it into two pieces? Azrael's blade... Lucifer: And this. Yes, which somehow ended up on Earth. Its power probably awakened when Azrael's blade ended up here, too. Amenadiel: Which is when Mr. Johnson must've stumbled upon it. But why did he think he was father? Lucifer: Well, I mean, Azrael's blade inspired death. Maybe this piece activated the opposite... Life. Healing. Gave him the power and knowledge of the divine. Amenadiel: And when he found out that he could heal like that, he... He thought he was God. Lucifer: What's more important is that now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan. The piece falls down from the sword. Lucifer: So... The... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing. Amenadiel: Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows? Lucifer: Well, maybe Mum does. Did... Where is she, anyway? Charlotte knocks on Daniel's door. Daniel: I thought I made myself clear. Charlotte: I kissed a man today. Daniel: What's your deal? Charlotte: I thought he was my ex-husband. When I kissed him, I realized it wasn't him. And the strangest part is, I don't know what's more upsetting... That it wasn't him? Or that I... I wished it was. Daniel: Wow. Charlotte: I just don't want to be alone. Could we just hold each other? Please? With your pants off, of course. Lucifer and Earl Johnson are waiting for a cab. Earl Johnson: I still can't believe I gave all my money away. Lucifer: Well, if it's any consolation, you haven't exactly been yourself of late. Earl Johnson: Yeah. Lucifer: Listen, I wanted to ask you... What's the last thing you remember? Earl Johnson: I was in New Mexico for work, I was walking through this Navajo gift shop. I saw a cool belt buckle, so I picked it up, and... Next thing I knew, I woke up strapped to a gurney next to you. Lucifer: Lucky you. Earl Johnson: Yeah. Hey, they, uh, they say we was arguing. If I did or said something to upset you, I apologize. Lucifer: No, no, you were quite lovely actually. For a brief moment, I thought you were my father. A man for whom I harbour a great deal of resentment. And you said some things that I think I wish he'd always said to me, so for that I thank you. Earl Johnson: Well, I guess even a blind squirrel catches a nut every now and then... You take care of yourself. Earl gets in the cab. Earl Johnson: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore? Lucifer: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious. 'Cause I realized that my father would never say those things to me. And for that... I hate him all the more.
Plan: A: Lucifer; Q: Who believes that Johnson is God? A: Chloe; Q: Who takes Johnson and Lucifer back to the hospital? A: a mental institution; Q: Where was the orderly murdered? A: The suspect; Q: Who is a patient calling himself "God Johnson"? A: "God Johnson; Q: What is the name of the suspect in the murder of an orderly? A: Lucifer's powers; Q: What is God Johnson immune to? A: Samael; Q: What does God Johnson call Lucifer? A: Ella; Q: Who identifies the man as Earl Johnson? A: a businessman; Q: What was Earl Johnson's profession? A: all his wealth; Q: What did Earl Johnson give away before he was committed? A: insanity; Q: What does Lucifer feign to get himself committed? A: a woman; Q: Who did Johnson heal that would have been the killer's second victim? A: no knowledge; Q: What does Johnson have about Charlotte escaping Hell? A: a surprise date; Q: What do Lucifer and Linda set up between Johnson and Charlotte? A: Amenadiel; Q: Who reveals to Maze that Lucifer is returning to Heaven? A: the hospital; Q: Where does Chloe take Johnson and Lucifer after they reconcile? A: one; Q: How many nurses abduct Lucifer and Johnson? A: peace; Q: What do Lucifer and Johnson make with one another after being abducted? A: Azrael; Q: Whose blade was Johnson wearing? A: his hatred; Q: What does Lucifer feel towards his real Father? Summary: Lucifer and Chloe investigate the murder of an orderly at a mental institution. The suspect is a patient calling himself "God Johnson" who proves to be immune to Lucifer's powers and knows to call him Samael . Ella identifies the man as Earl Johnson, a businessman who was committed after giving away all his wealth. Lucifer feigns insanity to get himself committed. Upon seeing Johnson heal a woman that would have been the killer's second victim, Lucifer believes that he is God. Learning that Johnson has no knowledge of Charlotte escaping Hell, Lucifer and Linda break him out and set up a surprise date between the two. Amenadiel reveals to Maze that Lucifer is returning to Heaven, leaving her behind. Johnson and Charlotte begin to reconcile, but Chloe takes him and Lucifer back to the hospital. Lucifer and Johnson are then abducted by the real killer, one of the nurses, and make peace with one another. After being rescued, Lucifer discovers that Johnson's belt buckle was part of Azrael 's Blade and that Johnson was filled with the knowledge and power of God while wearing it. Realizing that his real Father would never reconcile with him, his hatred becomes even stronger.
Camelot dungeons Guards escort Sir Leon, he looks dazed. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber They enter the Council Chamber; the guards throw Sir Leon at Morgana's feet. She wears the crown and she is seated on the throne. Morgana: Tell me, Sir Leon, how have you enjoyed the first week of my reign? Sir Leon remains silent. Morgana: Speak up. Are you and your fellow knights ready to honour and serve me? Sir Leon: I would rather die. Morgause: That can be arranged. Sir Leon: My loyalty is to the king and Prince Arthur. There is nothing you can do to change that. Morgana: We shall see. Morgana nods and two guards drag Sir Leon out of the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin is running, he is chased by Morgana's soldiers He manages to reach a cave. Gwaine defends the entrance. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Merlin enters the cave. Elyan holds him a flask. Merlin tries to drink but there is no water left. Elyan: I'll get some more. Merlin: It's too dangerous. Gaius: What happened? Merlin: Nothing... (Whispering to Gaius) We need to do something. Morgana's men are everywhere. Merlin and Gaius give a look at Arthur, who is sitting on the floor, his stare is vacant. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle Courtyard Morgana addresses the people gathered in the courtyard from the castle balcony. Camelot knights are standing in a line. Morgana: I will give you one more chance to pledge your allegiance to me. Morgana's soldiers threaten the Camelot knights with their crossbows. Sir Leon and Morgana stare at each other. He smiles. Sir Leon: Long live the king! Knights: Long live the king! Morgana: Perhaps this will help you change your mind. She gives a signal. Soldiers turn towards the crowd and they use their crossbows. You can hear screams. People start running to escape the arrows. Sir Leon: No! - Opening Credits - Castle In the courtyard, soldiers are collecting corpses. From his prison cell, Uther looks at the scene in dismay. The door opens, Morgana comes in. She looks satisfied. Morgana: Father. Uther: Why are you doing this? Morgana: Oh, come, come. Surely you of all people must understand. Sometimes such measures are necessary. Uther tries to walk to her but he is chained to the wall. Uther: Those people are innocent! Morgana: As were so many that you put to death. Uther: If you must kill someone, kill me. Morgana: You'll get your wish... but not yet. First I want you to suffer as I suffered. To know what it is like to be alone and afraid. To be disgusted with who and what you are. She turns and she is about to leave the cell. Uther looks at, tears in the eyes. Morgana stops. Uther: Do you really hate me so much? Morgana stops walking. Morgana: You cannot begin to know how much I hate you. A guard shuts the cell door. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Arthur is still sitting on the floor, looking despondent. Merlin hands him a bowl, with an engaging smile. Merlin: It's rat. Arthur looks even more depressed. Merlin: Oh, believe me, you've eaten far worse. I mean, I've definitely served you things I would never have touched, but you wolfed them down no problem. Arthur: Merlin, for once, leave me in peace, please. Merlin puts the bowl down on the ground, he is about to leave but he finally stays. Merlin: I understand. Your father lied to you about Morgana - I don't know why - I'm sure he had his reasons. But now is not the time for that. He is still your father. He needs you. Camelot needs you. Arthur: I've known her all my life. How could she do this to us? Merlin: I can't answer that. But you have a duty to your father, to your people... You can't give up on them now. Arthur: We cannot defeat an immortal army. Merlin: We don't know until we try. Arthur takes the bowl and starts eating. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's chamber Gwen is making the bed. Morgana looks puzzled. Morgana: I'm beginning to see the challenges that I face. Being queen is not so simple, Gwen. Gwen: You're doing well, your Majesty. Morgana: You think? The knights do not share your view. Gwen: They don't know you. Morgana: I need their allegiance. Without that, the people will not yield to me. Gwen: My mother was a maid in Sir Leon's household. We grew up together. I could talk to him, try to make him see sense. Morgana: You would do that for me? Gwen: Uther killed my father. Morgana: Yes, I... I forgot you too had suffered. Gwen: Let me meet with Sir Leon. Morgana: I will arrange it. Gwen: Thank you, your Majesty. Gwen bows to Morgana and leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Merlin and Gaius chats in quiet voice. Merlin: We need to act before Morgana gets any stronger. Gaius: Have you sent word to Lancelot yet? Merlin: I sent a letter to Haldor days ago. He's probably moved on. Gaius: Give it time. Merlin: We don't have time. We need to act now. Gaius: I know, Merlin, but how? Merlin: There was an immortal army before. How was it defeated? Gaius: The Cup of Life had to be emptied of the blood it contained. Once that had happened, the enchantment no longer held. Merlin: Then that's what I have to do. Gaius: They're immortal, Merlin. You do not have the power to defeat a soldier, never mind an army. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot dungeons The door of Sir Leon's cell opens and Gwen comes in. Sir Leon: Guinevere! Gwen hands him a small amount of food. Gwen: It's all I could get. Sir Leon: I don't understand. What are you doing here? He starts eating greedily. Gwen: Morgana sent me...to talk to you, to make you see sense. Listen to me. Sir Leon spits out the food. Sir Leon: I'd rather starve. Guard! Gwen: Listen to me. (Whispering) I'm going to help you escape. (To the guard) It's alright. Get me some water. The queen has instructed me to get the prisoner food and water. Sir Leon: You know what will happen to you if you're caught. Gwen: We have to find Arthur. Sir Leon: I have a good idea where he'll be hiding. Gwen: Then I need to get you out of here. Sir Leon: How? It's impossible, surely? Gwen: I'm a trusted member of the court. Morgause has the keys to the cells in her chambers. Sir Leon: No, Gwen. Hidden next to the cell, Morgana and Morgause have followed the entire scene. Morgana: It is as we suspected. She's betrayed me. I will have her executed at dawn. Morgause: No! Wait. This is good. Let her run to her beloved prince. She will lead us straight to him. Gwen: No one will suspect me. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Merlin searches through his bag. Gaius: Merlin, what are you doing? Merlin: Looking for something. Gaius: What? Merlin shows the flask of water the Fisher King gave him. Merlin: (Whispering) this. When I met the Fisher King, he gave me this. He told me, in Camelot's darkest hour, when all seems lost, it would show me the way. Gaius looks sceptical. Gaius: Yes. But how? Merlin: That's what I'd like to find out. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's chamber Gwen lights candles. Morgana enters the room. Morgana: Did you speak to Sir Leon? Gwen: Yes. Morgana: And will he do as you asked? Gwen: It might take some time, but I think he will come round. Morgana: Gwen! (Smiling) This deserves a celebration. Morgana pours some potion in a glass. Gwen: Why, Your Majesty... Gwen looks uncomfortable. Morgana toasts. Morgana: To friendship and loyalty. Gwen has no other choice than to follow and toasts. Gwen: To friendship and loyalty. They both drink. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Merlin holds the Fisher King's flask. Staring at the flask, he casts a spell. Merlin: Gerihtljc, me. Nothing happens, he tries another spell. Merlin: Fultumie me! Still nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's chamber Gwen comes into the room. Gwen: My Lady? Morgause? The room seems to be empty. Gwen opens a drawer and finds a set of keys. She copies the cast of one the keys into piece of clay and leaves the room. Behind a curtain, Morgause was spying on her. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Merlin tries a new spell. Merlin: Geondlihte gesweorce min! It still does not work. Merlin is about to fall asleep. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house Back in her house, Gwen pours molten metal in the mould to get a copy of the key. [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Merlin has fallen asleep, holding the flask in his hand. A noise wakes him up and he drops the flask that breaks on the ground. Gwaine: Oh, sorry. Nature calls. The water spreads on the ground. Merlin looks at the disaster. Merlin: Oh, no! The water becomes shinny and suddenly, the face of a young woman appears. Merlin: Freya? Freya: I've missed you. Merlin: You're... Freya: Merlin, we don't have long. Merlin: Is it really you? Freya nods. Freya: I swore that one day I would repay you. Now is the moment. Merlin: I don't understand. Freya: There is but one weapon that can slay something which is already dead. Merlin: A blade forged in the dragon's breath. Freya: That weapon lies at the bottom of the Lake of Avalon. Where you hid it. Merlin: But Morgana's army are not dead, they are very much alive. Freya: Anyone who toys with the cup pays a terrible price. The moment they entered their pact with Morgause, they became the living dead. You MUST come to the lake. Merlin: And you will give me the sword? Freya: In your hands it has the power to save Albion. Merlin: Thank you. Freya: No. It's giving me the chance to see you again. Gwaine is coming back into the cave. Gwaine: That's better... You all right? You look like you've seen a ghost. Merlin: I'm fine. Really... (Whispering) Freya? [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin threads his way through the forest. The Dragons flies and lands next to him. Merlin: I have to cross 20 leagues of hostile territory. I need you to take me. Kilgharrah: I am not a horse, Merlin! Merlin: If you do not, then Morgana will have won. Unless that's what you want? Kilgharrah: My allegiance has never been with the witch. Merlin: I know. But is it with me? Kilgharrah: Yes, young warlock. It is with you. Merlin flies on the Dragon's head. They arrive by a lake. Merlin jumps on the ground. Merlin: Thank you. Kilgharrah: I warned you before that, in the wrong hands, this sword can do great evil. You must promise me, Merlin that once its task is done, you will place it where none can wield it. Merlin: I promise. Merlin notices a coracle on the shore of the lake. He sits in the boat and casts a spell. Merlin: Gesigle. The coracle starts sailing. Suddenly, the blade of the magical sword appears out of the water. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle courtyard Gwen slips on the pavement, spilling all the things she was carrying in her basket on the ground. She starts gathering them and throws the key she has forged into Sir Leon's cell through the cellar window. Sir Leon hears the key clinking and grabs it. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot Night has fallen, the bells ring the alarm. Sir Leon comes into Gwen's house. Gwen: We haven't got time to waste. She hands him a dress. He looks at the dress in disbelief. Sir Leon: You...You can't be serious. Gwen: Just hurry! Every guard in Camelot will be looking for YOU. They won't be looking for two women courtiers. Sir Leon sighs. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle Morgana: Sounds like the wait is over. They walk to a window and watch the two runaways. Morgause: (Casting a spell) Beo pu leohte bewunden! A glimmering path appears, showing the trail of the runaways. Morgause: The potion does its work. Morgana: Off you go. Hurry along to your beloved prince. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Gwen leans against a tree. Gwen: What's taking you so long? Sir Leon: I'm a woman! Sir Leon is struggling with the dress. Gwen: Here, let me help you. She helps him with the dress. Sir Leon: From here, we need to take the path heading north. There's a cave in the Darkling Woods, five minutes due east of the fallen oak. It has a concealed entrance and fresh water. My guess is that's where Arthur's hiding out. Morgana's soldiers run in the forest. Morgause stops and casts a spell. Morgause: Scin scir! The glimmering trail appears through the woods. Morgause: This way! [SCENE_BREAK] Cave Arthur comes into the cave. Arthur: Having a little lie down, Merlin? Merlin: No. Arthur: Good. Because the time for sleeping's over. Merlin: You seem better. Arthur: You're hopeless at a lot of things, Merlin. Well, most things, in fact. But very occasionally, quite by accident, you say something useful. Merlin: Really? Arthur: Yesterday, amongst all your gibberish, you said something that... if I didn't know you, I would be completely fooled into thinking you were... Merlin: What? Arthur: ... Wise. Merlin: No! Distant shouting. Arthur, Gwaine, and Merlin go out the cave. They hide and Arthur grabs someone. Arthur: Guinevere! They hug. He shakes hand with Sir Leon. Arthur: Sir Leon. Elyan: We've been found! They're almost upon us! Arthur: (To Merlin) Get Gaius. (To the others) We need to get out of here! Run! Merlin comes back into the cave. Merlin: They've found us. We need to go. Gaius: I'll slow you down. It's Arthur you need to protect, not me. Merlin: I won't leave you! Gaius: Camelot needs you. Merlin: Camelot needs us both. Go! I'll be right behind you! Merlin goes to the place where he has hidden the magic sword and he takes it. When he goes out of the cave Morgana's soldiers are on him. A fight starts between Merlin and one of the soldiers. Merlin manages to hit the soldier with his sword and the soldier explodes. Arthur and his friends are chased by the soldiers. They enter a narrow path in the forest, followed by the soldiers. A man (Shouting): Look out! A huge rock falls and blocks the way, followed by dozens. It allows Arthur and his companions to escape. Arthur: Who's that? Gwaine: I don't know, but I'm liking him already. They all look above and see two men. Gwen: Lancelot! Lancelot: We need to hurry. A little later, they rest in the forest. Arthur: I take it that rock fall wasn't an accident. Lancelot introduces a giant, who looks rather shy. Lancelot: This is Percival. It was his strength that brought them down. Percival: Your Highness. Arthur: Arthur. They shake hands. Percival: Arthur it is. Arthur: What were you doing here? Merlin: Er...it was me. I sent for him. Arthur: Well, we owe you our lives. Thank you. Arthur and Lancelot shake hands. Gwen and Lancelot exchange glances. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle Morgause: He was lucky to escape. I'm sorry, Sister. Morgana: What can he do? Arthur has but a handful of men. We have an immortal army at our disposal. Morgause: Yes, but whilst Arthur lives, the people will not yield. Morgana: Then we will make them. Tonight we will have a gallows built, and tomorrow, one by one, we will put an end to the knights of Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Ruins of an old castle Arthur and his companions head to an old castle. They enter a vaulted room. It is dark ,the furniture is covered with spider webs. They follow Arthur, holding torches. Gaius: Are you sure we'll be safe in here? Arthur: This castle belonged to the ancient kings. It will do for a while. Elyan: Can't be worse than that cave. Arthur: Search the place, see what you can find. They scatter and start searching the place. A little later, Gwaine brings some weapons and drops them on a table. Gwaine: They must've been left by bandits. Meanwhile, Arthur takes off the cloth that was covering a round table. Arthur: Here! Come and join me. They all take a seat around the table. Arthur stands, between Merlin and Gwen. Arthur: This table belonged to the ancient kings of Camelot. A round table afforded no one man more importance than any other. They believed in equality in all things. So, it seems fitting that we revive this tradition NOW. Without each of you, we would not be here... Merlin and Lancelot exchange glances and smile. Arthur: My father has languished in prison for too long. Tomorrow, I make my bid to rescue him. Are there any around this table who will join me? [SCENE_BREAK] Lancelot stands up. Lancelot: You taught me the values of being a knight, the code by which a man should live his life. To fight with honour for justice, freedom, and all that's good. I believe in the world that you will build. Elyan: Even though I was a commoner... a nobody, you were willing to lay down your life for me, Arthur.(Standing up) It is now my turn to repay you. Arthur is looking more and more moved. Sir Leon stands up. Sir Leon: I have fought alongside you many times. There is no-one that I would rather die for. Gwaine: I think we've no chance... But I wouldn't miss it for the world. Gwaine stands up. Then it is Percival who stands up. Percival: Your enemies are my enemies. Gaius stands up. Gaius: If you need an old man... Arthur barely holds back his tears. Merlin and Lancelot smile at each other. Gwen stands up. Gwen: You know the answer. Merlin is the only one who remains seated. Arthur: Merlin? Merlin: No, don't really fancy it. Arthur: You don't have a choice, Merlin. Merlin: OK. Merlin finally stands up. Arthur: I want to thank you all for staying loyal to me in Camelot's hour of need. I'll do something that my father won't approve of. Lancelot, Gwaine, Percival, and Elian kneel in front of Arthur. Arthur: Arise, Sir Lancelot, Knight of Camelot. Arise, Sir Gawain, Knight of Camelot. Arise, Sir Percival, Knight of Camelot. Arise, Sir Elyan, Knight of Camelot. Merlin and Gwen are looking at the scene, smiling. One by one the new knights stand up. Arthur: Tomorrow, when you fight... you can stand proud knowing you are members of the most noble army the world has ever known. Later, they all lay on the floor, trying to get some sleep. Merlin and Lancelot are close to each other. They whisper. Merlin: You're a knight. At last. Lancelot: But for how long? Merlin: Who knows? Lancelot: What are you planning? And don't even think about lying; I know you too well. Merlin: It's too difficult to explain. Lancelot: You can tell me. Gaius, who does not sleep, overhears the conversation. Merlin: Morgana has the Cup of Life. If I can find it and empty it of the blood within, then the army will be destroyed, and Morgana will be powerless. Lancelot: Aren't you forgetting something? It's guarded by an immortal army. Merlin: Aren't you forgetting something? I have magic. Lancelot: It doesn't make you immortal. Merlin: No. Lancelot: You know, Merlin, you're the one Arthur should knight. Merlin scoffs. Lancelot: You're the bravest of us all, and he doesn't even know. Merlin: He can't. Not yet... That's why I need to find a way to get to the Cup without Arthur knowing. Lancelot: Leave that to me. The following day, they are all gathered around Arthur. Arthur: There is a tunnel under the northern ramparts that brings us only a few paces from the entrance to the dungeons. It will be well guarded. So, if we're going to break everyone out, we must remain unobserved. We cannot let them raise the alarm. Lancelot: We need to take out the warning bell. That way the warriors have no mean of communication. Arthur: Good idea. Lancelot: I'll need someone with me who knows the castle. Merlin: I'll go. Arthur: All right. Gaius looks concerned. They get ready for the fight. Arthur comes near Gwen. Arthur: Stay here with Gaius. I want you to gather firewood and make bandages. There'll be casualties. Gwen: All right. Gwen was about to go but Arthur grabs her arm. Arthur: Guinevere... Gwen: They'll see. Arthur: I don't care. I want you to know...if I never see you again... Gwen: You will. You will see me. I watched you last night.(Caressing Arthur's face) you gave us hope, something to believe in. I saw the king you will become. I'm so proud of you Arthur. They kiss. Lancelot watches them and leaves the room. Gaius comes near Merlin. Gaius: You need to be careful. Merlin: I've got the easy bit. The warning bell is nothing compared to the cells. Gaius: I overheard you, Merlin. If Morgause catches you, she will kill you. Merlin: I have no choice. Gaius: I remember the bungling idiot that came charging into my chamber all those years ago. Who would believe it? They hug. Gaius looks anxious. [SCENE_BREAK] Outskirts of Camelot Arthur and his companions are approaching the castle. Soldiers keep watch on the ramparts. [SCENE_BREAK] Ruins of the old castle Gwen comes into the room and looks for Gaius. Gwen: Gaius? Gaius?! The room is empty. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot dungeons Arthur (To Lancelot and Merlin): Good luck! The group splits. Lancelot and Merlin go upstairs. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot corridors Merlin and Lancelot sneak into the corridors, trying to avoid the Morgana's guards. Suddenly Merlin stops walking and gasps. Merlin: I can sense the Cup's power. This way. A guard arrives. Lancelot starts fighting but does not manage to defeat him. Merlin enters the fight. He hits the guard that explodes. Lancelot is stunned. Lancelot: What is that? Merlin: It was forged in a dragon's breath. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot dungeons Gwaine whistles to draw guard's attention. He runs away and they chase him. Gwaine: (to Percival) Now! Percival locks the gate on his side while Sir Leon and Elian locks the gate on their side. The guards are trapped. Gwaine: (to guards) stay there and don't move. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot corridors Merlin and Lancelot peek around a corner. Soldiers guard the door of a room. Lancelot: What do we do now? Merlin shakes head and they hide. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot dungeons Arthur and his companions fight guards. Elyan is wounded. Arthur throws a set of keys to the imprisoned knights. The knights open the prison help and come to help Arthur. [SCENE_BREAK] Corridor Meanwhile, Lancelot and Merlin attack guards. Merlin uses the magic sword to kill guards. They finally manage to get inside the council room and lock door. There is a very short time of relief, just before they realise that there are facing more guards in the room, guarding the cup. Guards draw their swords. Lancelot and Merlin look at each other, they have to go on fighting. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Arthur opens Uther's cell. He unchains his father. Arthur: Father, we have to hurry. Uther looks completely lost. Uther: I'm sorry. Arthur: Please, Father, now isn't the time. Arthur helps his father to get out of the cell. [SCENE_BREAK] Fights go on in the council room and in the dungeons. Lancelot is injured. He groans with pain. In the dungeons, the situation becomes more and more compromise. The warning bell rings out. Arthur: What the hell are those two doing?! Lancelot is getting too weak to fight. Merlin kills the last guard, and runs to reach the cup. But the door opens, Morgause enters the room and casts a spell that throws Merlin against a wall. Merlin is knocked down. In the dungeons Arthur and his companions fight, but reinforcements arrive. The situation looks desperate. Arthur stops fighting. Arthur: If we're to go down! We'll go down fighting! For the love of Camelot! The Knights roar. [SCENE_BREAK] Council room Merlin drags himself along the ground, gasping. Morgause walks to him. Morgause: I have a feeling I won't be seeing you again. Morgause is about to cast another spell. Gaius: No! You won't. (Spell). Oferswinge! The spell throws Morgause away. But she gets up and tries to cast spell. She is finally knocked out by another spell cast by Merlin. Gaius: Merlin! The Cup! Merlin picks up the magic sword and knocks Cup off the pedestal, the blood spills. In the dungeons, guards explode. [SCENE_BREAK] Council room Morgana enters the council room. Morgana: No! No! She runs to Morgause. She kneels near her, sobbing. Morgana: Sister... Morgana caresses her sister's face. Merlin: It's over, Morgana. Morgana: No, you're wrong. This has just begun! No...No! She screams and roars. The noise is terrible. Windows explode and the ceiling starts crumbling. There are stones falling everywhere. Merlin, Gaius, and Lancelot flee the place. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Uther is still in a state of shock. Arthur: You're safe now, Father. Arthur helps him to stand up. Elyan: Where's Gwaine? Elyan, Sir Leon, and Percival look concerned. Elyan: Gwaine? You still alive? Voice of Gwaine: What do you think? They all look relieved. Gwaine goes out of a vaulted cellar. Gwaine: And that's Sir Gwaine to you. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot courtyard Arthur and Merlin are seated on the stairs outside the castle. Arthur: Have you seen the state of these boots? Merlin: Yeah. Arthur: Well, go and get something to clean them. Merlin: Why? They're YOUR boots. Arthur: Have you lost your mind? Merlin: I thought you believed in equality. Arthur: I'm sorry? Merlin: At the round table, you said... Arthur: Shut up, Merlin. Arthur gives Merlin a friendly shove. They smile. Merlin: How's your father? Arthur: I don't know. All this... Morgana... it's hit him hard. Merlin: Perhaps we're heading for a new time. You may need to take charge, become...become king. Arthur: Who knows what the future will bring. Gwen and the Knights come into the courtyard, riding horses. Arthur stands up to welcome them. Gwen dismounts. Arthur and Gwen kiss. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Gaius: And they searched through the remains of the rubble, and still no Morgana? Merlin: Or Morgause. Gaius: They won't have gone far. Merlin, no one else is going to say this to you, but I will. Well done. Merlin: I told you Camelot needed both of us. Gaius: We're going to have to tidy this place up. Merlin: Hmm. But not now. Merlin stands up. Gaius: Where are you going? Merlin: Er... Gaius: What are you up to? Merlin: There's something I have to do. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Voice of Kilgharrah: 'In the wrong hands, this sword can do great evil. You must promise me, Merlin, that once its task is done, you will place is where none can wield it.' Merlin casts a spell while he sticks the sword into a big rock. Thunder rumbles. Then, he walks away. Close-up of the sword. 'MERLIN WILL RETURN' - Closing Credits -
Plan: A: Uther's place; Q: Who has Morgana taken over the throne? A: the castle dungeons; Q: Where is Uther? A: Camelot; Q: Where did Gwen and Sir Leon escape from? A: Arthur; Q: Who frees the imprisoned knights and the King? A: exile; Q: Where do Gwen and Sir Leon join Arthur and his friends? A: Freya; Q: Who urges Merlin to get Excalibur? A: Merlin; Q: Who embeds Excalibur into a rock? A: the Round Table; Q: Where did Arthur find Lancelot, Gwain, Elyan and Percival? A: a counter attack; Q: What do Arthur and his friends plan to do? A: the Cup of Life; Q: Where do Merlin and Lancelot fight their way to? A: Gaius' help; Q: What helps Merlin and Lancelot empty the Cup of Life? A: the immortal knights; Q: What explodes when the Cup of Life is emptied of blood? A: Morgause; Q: What does Morgana escape with? Summary: Morgana has taken Uther's place on the throne, while Uther sits defenseless and alone in the castle dungeons. Gwen and Sir Leon escape from Camelot to join up with Arthur and his friends in exile. Freya appears to Merlin, urging him to get Excalibur. After finding the Round Table, Arthur knights Lancelot, Gwain, Elyan and Percival and they plan a counter attack. While Arthur and the others free the imprisoned knights and the King, Merlin and Lancelot fight their way to the Cup of Life. With Gaius' help, they manage to empty it of blood and the immortal knights explode. They take Camelot back, but Morgana manages to escape with Morgause. Merlin embeds Excalibur into a rock.
THE TENTH PLANET BY KIT PEDLER first broadcast - 15th October 1966 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. POLAR LANDSCAPE (A Cyberman is inspecting the body of a dead guard. The Cyberman's hands are human.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. TRACKING ROOM (Cutler is talking to the Doctor and Ben in the observations room. Polly and a Guard are watching.) CUTLER: That's the most fantastic story I've ever heard. DOCTOR: I can only repeat, sir, what I have already told you. You will get visitors from that other planet. CUTLER: Nonsense. (Cutler walks into the tracking room. Barclay is looking at a clipboard and various technicians are milling about.) CUTLER: What's the position on the capsule, Dr Barclay? BARCLAY: Full instructions have been issued, General. (Cutler walks over to the radar screen.) CUTLER: What's the range? TECHNICIAN: 1250 miles, sir. CUTLER: How much off course? TECHNICIAN: About 230 miles. (The Technician indicates a blip on the radar screen.) CUTLER: I don't like it. (Cutler walks over to a nearby monitor and takes a radio from underneath it. He speaks into it.) CUTLER: Hello, Zeus 4. Cutler, Snowcap here. Now look gentlemen, everything's under control, there's nothing to worry about. We're going to get you down here soon as God makes a little effort. (On the monitor screens Glyn and Bluey can be seen.) GLYN: (Over radio.) OK. CUTLER: We'll be seeing ya. (Cutler puts the radio back and moves away. He sees Barclay drinking something.) CUTLER: All right, Dr Barclay, this isn't a convalescent home. BARCLAY: Right. DYSON: Are you all right. BARCLAY: Yes. Ready? DYSON: Ready. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. POLAR LANDSCAPE (The three Cybermen put on the guards' fur cloaks and move towards the trapdoor. Some of the dead guards can be made out through the thick blizzard, their bodies just protruding through the snow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. ISC, GENEVA (Wigner is sitting behind his desk. A Technician is at a control desk and two international aides are by him.) WIGNER: Get me Polar base. TECHNICIAN: We are having trouble there, sir. WIGNER: Keep trying. TECHNICIAN: Yes sir. (Wigner looks behind himself for a moment and then switches on a television on his desk. A reporter with an American accent appears on the screen.) REPORTER: ...and since it was first discovered at the South Pole rocket base... [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION NEWS STUDIO (A reporter is sitting behind a desk. A plaque behind him and in front of him both say "International Television News". A large microphone sits nearby.) REPORTER: ...reports have been coming in from observatories the world over confirming its' existence. (The reporter is passed a sheet of paper, which he reads from.) REPORTER: And here, straight from Mount Polomar observatory, is the first picture of our new neighbour in space. (A picture of the new planet appears.) REPORTER: Some observers have reported that it's land masses resemble those of Earth, but this is being hotly disputed in top astronomical circles and no general agreement has yet been reached. (The picture of the planet disappears, to be replaced by the reporter.) REPORTER: Jodrell bank, England, says the planet is approaching Earth but there is absolutely no cause for alarm. It won't come near enough to collide... [SCENE_BREAK] 6. ISC, GENEVA (The report is still playing on Wigner's television.) REPORTER: ...so I repeat, there is no danger. (Wigner turns the television off.) WIGNER: Let's hope they are right. What about Polar base? Are you through? TECHNICIAN: No sir, we can't get them. WIGNER: What's happened? TECHNICIAN: There's some interference, sir. WIGNER: What sort? TECHNICIAN: Well, that's the trouble sir, we don't know. It's enormously powerful, it seems to be... coming from the base. WIGNER: We must get in touch with them. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. TRACKING ROOM (Barclay is sitting by the microphone. He speaks into it.) BARCLAY: May I have your attention everybody. (Everyone listens to him.) BARCLAY: This is very important so please listen carefully. Final orbit commencing from base reference one is four minutes, ten seconds from... now. Now, we've got a very difficult job on our hands and I want everybody to be on their toes all the time. If the capsule power falls too low I shall take over re-entry from here, and for that I want the entire team behind me. Now, base reference one commencing... (Pulling a switch.) now. (In the observation area, The Doctor, Ben and Polly have been listening to Barclay.) DOCTOR: Yes, they must bring them down! BEN: But why, Doctor? DOCTOR: Because they can't last another orbit. (The Doctor walks into the tracking room. As he does he sees three Cybermen dressed in the guards cloaks on the landing. He taps General Cutler urgently on the shoulder.) DOCTOR: It's imperative that I talk to you, General. CUTLER: Get away, old man. Can't you see... (The Doctor turns to Barclay.) DOCTOR: (Shouting.) You, will you pay attention? Will you?! (Cutler sees the three Cybermen and mistakes them for the soldiers.) CUTLER: Get this man back into the observations room. Sergeant, that was an order! (Cutler walks over to the `Sergeant'.) CUTLER: Take that man back to the obs... (The Cyberman takes off his cloak and turns to Cutler. Polly screams. Cutler turns and sees the other two Cybermen.) CUTLER: Back to your places. (Suddenly, the Sergeant who had been guarding the Doctor, Ben and Polly rushes towards the Cyberman with his gun raised. The Cyberman at the top of the landing aims it's gun unit at him and fires. It glows and emits a strange noise. Smoke emerges from the guard's body, which falls lifelessly to the ground.) POLLY: Oh no... (Polly tries to go over to the dead man. Ben and the Doctor stop her.) BEN: Come back Polly, they'll blow your head off! DOCTOR: Ah! CUTLER: Now look, I don't know who you are or what you are but we've got two men in space, if we don't act now we won't get them back alive. (The Cyberman opens it's mouth to speak, and keeps it wide open as it talks.) CYBERMAN 1: They will not return. (The Cyberman's voice is strange and mechanical. The emphasis and pronunciation is wrong. Everyone says "Not return?" in disbelief.) CUTLER: Why not? CYBERMAN 1: It is unimportant now. CUTLER: But... We must get them back! When... (Cutler tries to hold the Cyberman's arm but it knocks him away.) CYBERMAN 1: There is really no point. They could never reach Earth now. POLLY: But don't you care? CYBERMAN 1: Care? No, why should I care? POLLY: Because they're people and they're going to die! CYBERMAN 1: I do not understand you. There are people dying all over your world yet you do not care about them. (Polly rushes over to the Cyberman.) POLLY: Yes, but we could avoid their deaths... CYBERMAN 1: You will be wondering what has happened. Your astronomers will have just discovered a new planet. Is that not so? BARCLAY: Yes, that's right. CYBERMAN 1: That is where we come from. It is called Mondas. BEN: Mondas? BARCLAY: Mondas? But isn't that one of the ancient names of Earth? CYBERMAN 1: Yes. Aeons ago our planets were twins then we drifted away from you on a journey to the edge of space. Now we have returned. BEN: You were right, Doctor. BARCLAY: But who or what are you? CYBERMAN 1: We are called Cybermen. BARCLAY: Cybermen? CYBERMAN 1: Yes, Cybermen. We were exactly like you once but our cybernetic scientists realised that our race was getting weak. BARCLAY: Weak, how? CYBERMAN 1: Our life span was getting shorter so our scientists and doctors devised spare parts for our bodies until we could be almost completely replaced. POLLY: But... that means you're not like us. You're robots! CYBERMAN 1: Our brains are just like yours except that certain weaknesses have been removed. BARCLAY: Weaknesses? What weaknesses? CYBERMAN 1: You call them emotions, do you not? POLLY: But... that's terrible! You... you mean you wouldn't care about someone in pain? CYBERMAN 1: There would be no need. We do not feel pain. POLLY: But we do. (Suddenly Cutler moves towards the communications desk and presses a button.) BARCLAY: General! CUTLER: Ha, that'll fix ya! Europe will know there's an emergency here now. CYBERMAN 1: That was really most unfortunate. You should not have done that. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. ISC, GENEVA (As ever, Wigner, the technician and his two international aides are here. Wigner stands up and begins walking around.) WIGNER: Well, it seems to me there is a pattern. Number 1, a new planet appears. Number 2, the Earth is losing it's energy. Number 3, as the planet gets nearer the energy loss gets worse. We see my mind connects the two. Exactly how I don't know, but a... TECHNICIAN: Sir! WIGNER: Yes, what is it? TECHNICIAN: Emergency signal from the Pole, sir. WIGNER: What did they say? TECHNICIAN: Well, nothing sir. It went off again. WIGNER: Heavy static, emergency signal. Get them on the emergency microlink. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. TRACKING ROOM (Cyberman 1 is looking at Cutler, who is by the communications desk. Polly and Dyson are nearby.) CYBERMAN 1: Switch off the radio and tell Europe that nothing further has happened and that all is well here. CUTLER: I'll do no such thing. CYBERMAN 1: That is an order. CUTLER: Go take a jump! CYBERMAN 1: (To Cyberman 2.) Trigger pack. (Cyberman 2 walks over to Cutler and moves it's hands towards its' chest unit. Suddenly it puts its' hands against Cutler's head and he collapses. He is lifted by two Cybermen onto a bunk in front of the landing.) CYBERMAN 1: Stay where you are. POLLY: You've killed him! CYBERMAN 1: I have not killed him. He will recover. Now, someone must answer your commander in Europe. He is waiting. BARCLAY: I refuse. (Barclay sits down at the communications console.) CYBERMAN 1: You. (It points at Dyson.) DYSON: Yes? CYBERMAN 1: Which are the communication controls? DYSON: O... over here. (Dyson indicates the monitor links to Zeus 4.) BARCLAY: Dyson! (Cyberman 1 walks over to the controls and the men by them.) CYBERMAN 1: Stand aside. BARCLAY: What are you going to do? (Barclay stands up.) CYBERMAN 1: You will see. BARCLAY: If you destroy those we shall be unable to keep contact with the capsule. CYBERMAN 1: Your commander is still waiting for your report. DYSON: For God's sake Barclay, do as he asks. Do you want the place destroyed? BARCLAY: All right. (Barclay sits down and activates the link to ISC Geneva.) BARCLAY: Come in Geneva. WIGNER: (Over radio.) Snowcap. What's going on? We received an emergency from you on the radio link. BARCLAY: I-i-i-it was a fault. We're, we are looking at it now. I'm sorry about the false alarm. WIGNER: (Over radio.) Where is the static coming from? We can hardly hear you, even on these bands. BARCLAY: It it it, well, I-I-I, er think it must have been the reactor. We had the moderator on, er, for a time this afternoon and er, well, well that's probably it. WIGNER: (Over radio.) I see. Contact us if you have any further reports on this new planet. BARCLAY: Yes sir. (Barclay cuts the link off.) DYSON: Well done, Barclay. Now the space capsule will have another chance. (Barclay walks over to Cyberman 1, who is by the Zeus 4 monitor links.) BARCLAY: Now you must let us try and get in touch with our astronauts. CYBERMAN 1: I told you it is impossible for them to get back now. The force on them is too strong. BARCLAY: But you must let us try, please. CYBERMAN 1: It is a foregone conclusion. You are wasting time. However, if you wish to contact them I have no objection. (Barclay rushes back over to the communications desk.) CYBERMAN 1: He and his colleagues may use their equipment. Any attempt at deceit however, kill them at once. Remove the soldier. I will carry on detail. BARCLAY: (To Zeus 4.) Snowcap to Zeus 4, come in please. Zeus 4, come in please. (Cybermen 2 and 3 pick up the soldier. Ben watches, while the Doctor comforts Polly.) GLYN: (Over radio.) We have you, over. (By the dead guard is his fallen gun.) BARCLAY: (To Zeus 4.) Prepare to check orbital density. GLYN: (Over radio.) Ready. BARCLAY: As it was. (Barclay continues to talk to Zeus 4. Ben sees the gun.) BEN: Right Doctor, while they take him out we'll make a break for it. DOCTOR: Eh? BEN: Then we can get back to the TARDIS! DOCTOR: Well how can we do that, boy? BEN: Well, we can make a break for it. Down that corridor, the trapdoor and then bolt it from behind. DOCTOR: Nonsense, nonsense, they'll burn it down in a flash! BEN: We can do with that for a start! (Ben picks up the gun.) DOCTOR: No, Ben! POLLY: If they see you... Ben, for goodness sake! (Cyberman 1 appears on the landing and aims its gun unit at Ben.) CYBERMAN 1: Stop! Come here. (Ben walks slowly towards the Cyberman. The other two Cybermen appear behind him and push him forward. Cyberman 1 walks down and gives Cyberman 2 his gun unit. Cyberman 2 points it at Ben.) CYBERMAN 1: You do not seem to take us seriously. (The Cyberman takes the gun off of Ben and bends it completely. It then drops the now useless gun.) BEN: Blimey! BARCLAY: Heavens! CYBERMAN 1: Take him out and look after him. (Cyberman 3 escorts Ben out through the door at the top of the landing and into the corridor.) CYBERMAN 1: It is quite useless to resist us. We are stronger and more efficient than your Earth people. We must be obeyed. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. PROJECTION ROOM (Ben is shoved into the room by the Cyberman. It closes the door and stays on guard outside. Ben tries to open the door but he can't.) BEN: Uh! Locked... uh! Oh, now where they put me? (Ben looks around. There is a projector opposite door, and several shelves against the walls with film cans on them.) BEN: Oh great. A projection room! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. ZEUS 4 INTERIOR BARCLAY: (Over radio.) You begin exactly 60 seconds from now. Are you ready to go? (Bluey looks at Glyn, who nods conformation that he is ready.) BLUEY: Yeah, ready. BARCLAY: (Over radio.) Our readings here show that you need forward correction of 7 degrees. GLYN: Yes, that checks. We'll correct with altitude control. OK Bluey, go ahead. (Bluey uses the altitude control. Both men move as Zeus 4 adjusts its position.) BLUEY: Hello, Snowcap. We've reoriented capsule. Altitude now correct. BARCLAY: (Over radio.) Retro rockets to go in 20 seconds. After I give you the time check you'll come in on your own. Right? GLYN: Will do. (Bluey holds onto a lever, ready to move it.) BARCLAY: (Over radio.) Ready... 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fire! (Bluey fires the retro rockets.) GLYN: OK Bluey, check velocity, I... I'll do ground check. (Bluey does a velocity check and turns to Glyn, alarmed.) BLUEY: We're not down to re-entry velocity. GLYN: What? BLUEY: We're still at 14.5, we should be down to 11.2. GLYN: We'll have to use the retros again. (Shouting.) Quick man, quick! (Bluey fires the retros again.) BLUEY: Fuel's gone! GLYN: Hello Snowcap. Hello Snowcap, fuel's gone! Can't go back in! Any ideas?! (Bluey puts on his helmet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. TRACKING ROOM (Dyson rushes over to the radar screen and looks at it.) DYSON: Look at the radar now... they are accelerating! POLLY: Can't you do anything to help them? BARCLAY: No, the retro fuel's gone. DOCTOR: Terrible, terrible. (Everyone is looking on distraught at the pictures on the monitors as Glyn puts on his helmet, except the two Cybermen who are watching impassively.) RADAR TECHNICIAN: Emergency red and await instructions. I repeat, emergency red... DYSON: Their course is changing now, they're spinning out. The acceleration is enormous! (On the radar the blip representing Zeus 4 is moving rapidly away from the Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. ZEUS 4 INTERIOR (Smoke is bellowing out of everything. Glyn struggles to fasten his helmet on securely.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. TRACKING ROOM DYSON: They're beyond escape velocity now. They can't possibly re-enter. (Suddenly the monitors flash white and then go black. All the base crew look away, clearly upset. Polly watches, puzzled.) POLLY: What happened? DOCTOR: I'm afraid the spaceship exploded, my dear. POLLY: You mean they're dead? CYBERMAN 1: Now perhaps you can see that your planet is in great and imminent danger. In order to save you we shall require information to be transmitted to Mondas. (The Cyberman produces a small microphone and it holds it in front of everyone.) DOCTOR: Save us? POLLY: What about those poor men? CYBERMAN 1: Perhaps you will co-operate. Mondas drew the ship away. It was unavoidable. DYSON: Why? What is happening? CYBERMAN: I will require your name. (The Cyberman walks towards Dyson and holds the microphone towards him.) DYSON: Tell us! CYBERMAN 1: The energy of Mondas is nearly exhausted and now we turn to it's twin and will gather energy from Earth. BARCLAY: But... but! DOCTOR: Gather energy?! CYBERMAN 1: Age, name and occupation. BARCLAY: But for how long? DYSON: My name is John Dyson, supervising engineer. CYBERMAN 1: Until it is all gone. Age. DYSON: But that means that the Earth will... will die! CYBERMAN 1: Yes. Everything on Earth will stop. Age please. BARCLAY: But you can't calmly stand there and tell us we're all going to die! CYBERMAN 1: You are not going to die. (The Cyberman turns the microphone towards Barclay.) DOCTOR: And how are you going to stop this energy drain from Mondas? CYBERMAN 1: Name and occupation please. We cannot. It is beyond our powers. DOCTOR: How are we going to survive?! CYBERMAN 1: Speak please. By coming with us. Age. BARCLAY: With you? CYBERMAN 1: Yes. We are going to take you all back to Mondas. Your age please. DOCTOR: His age is unimportant here!! You cannot for one moment... BARCLAY: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life! [SCENE_BREAK] 15. PROJECTION ROOM (Ben tests a screwdriver against a tabletop. It is useless.) BEN: Oh, I can just imagine trying to tackle one of them geezers with a screwdriver. (Ben drops the screwdriver and sighs. He walks over to the projector and looks at it.) BEN: Hey, wait a minute! If I was to turn this on the door... (Ben pushes the projector round so that it faces the door.) BEN: ... it might blind him! Yeah. (Ben walks over to the light switch and puts the lights off. He then goes back over to the projector and turns it on. An old western appears. He aims the image towards the top of the doorframe.) BEN: Hah! I saw that film 20 years ago. (Ben walks back over to the door and starts banging against it.) BEN: Oy, come in here mate, you're wanted! Oy, come in here! (The Cyberman opens the door and is blinded by the light from the projector. Ben snatches it's gun unit off while it attempts to cover its' eyes.) CYBERMAN 3: Blemmy ehny ah fu! Uh! (Ben dashes over to the other side of the room, by the projector. The Cyberman moves out of the light.) BEN: Now then, Fred! CYBERMAN 3: Ahh! (The Cyberman can now see and advances towards Ben, smashing some boxes as it goes.) CYBERMAN 3: Do not resist. Give me that weapon. (The Cyberman is only six feet away from Ben.) BEN: No, I'm sorry mate, I'm giving the orders here. Now look, get back. (The Cyberman is a few feet away from Ben now.) BEN: (Shouting.) Look, I'm telling you, get back!! (The Cyberman is about to attack Ben. Ben is forced to fire the gun unit. The Cyberman dies.) BEN: You didn't give me no alternative! [SCENE_BREAK] 16. TRACKING ROOM BARCLAY: There's no scientific certainty that this is a dying planet! DYSON: Perhaps we would prefer to take our chances here. CYBERMAN 1: You must come and live with us. POLLY: But we cannot live with you, you're... you're different, you've got no feelings. (The Cyberman turns to face Polly.) CYBERMAN 1: Feelings? I do not understand that word. DOCTOR: Emotions. Love, pride, hate, fear. Have you no emotions, sir? CYBERMAN 1: Come to Mondas and you will have no need of emotions. You will become like us. POLLY: Like you? CYBERMAN 1: We have freedom from disease, protection against heat and cold, true mastery. Do you prefer to die in misery? (Cutler suddenly wakes up. He looks around.) POLLY: But look, surely I... it's possible for us not to lose Earth's energy? CYBERMAN 1: It is inevitable. POLLY: Then you don't mind if we all die. CYBERMAN 1: Why should we mind? (Cyberman 2 turns away from Cutler.) DOCTOR: Why? Why?! (The Doctor stands up. Polly walks over to Cyberman 1.) POLLY: Because millions and millions of people are going to suffer and die horribly! CYBERMAN 1: We shall not be affected. POLLY: Don't you think of anything except yourselves?! CYBERMAN 1: We are equipped to survive. We are only interested in survival. Anything else is of no importance. Your deaths will not affect us. (Ben has appeared unseen at the top of the landing. Cutler sees him and signals for Ben to pass him the gun unit. Ben does so.) POLLY: But I can't make you understand, you're condemning us all to die, have you no heart? CYBERMAN 1: No, that is one of the weaknesses that we have removed. (Cutler stands up and fires the gun unit at Cyberman 2. The Cyberman collapses dead to the ground. Cutler rushes over to Cyberman 1 and kills it also.) CUTLER: All right, get me Geneva, quick! (Everyone rushes back to their posts.) CUTLER: Come on, let's have some action. Get rid of these... things! (Cutler points at the dead Cybermen.) DOCTOR: I don't think you should have done that, General. We may have learned a very great deal. CUTLER: Yeah, we may have lost a very great deal, our lives! (Cutler walks over to the communications desk and picks up the phone.) CUTLER: Put me through to the general secretary. (Cutler turns towards Barclay, who is sitting next to him.) CUTLER: Is Zeus 4 down yet? BARCLAY: I'm afraid we lost them, General. (Cutler is appalled.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. ISC, GENEVA (Wigner is sitting at his desk, talking to Cutler on the phone. His two international aides are standing by him, listening to the conversation.) WIGNER: We followed Zeus 4's last orbit from here. A terrible tragedy. CUTLER: (Over phone.) Yes sir, but I'm afraid that's not the hassle, it's... we've had more visitors. WIGNER: Visitors? CUTLER: (Over phone.) Yes sir. They're part man, part robot. They come from this new planet, er, Mondas. Three of them broke into the base here and overpowered us. WIGNER: What's happened to them now? CUTLER: (Over phone.) Well, we overwhelmed them sir, but, er, there'll be more on their way! WIGNER: Hold on Cutler. Military bases all round the world must be put on immediate alert. Cutler, could you deal with another attack, with your limited resources? CUTLER: (Over phone.) Yes, we can handle them. WIGNER: Good. Now Cutler, we've got a special task for you. We sent up a single astronaut to help Schultz and Williams down. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. TRACKING ROOM CUTLER: When did you send them up? WIGNER: (Over phone.) They were sent from Woomera at 14:59 hours. CUTLER: Yes. You want me to take over the tracking? WIGNER: (Over phone.) Yes. Establish contact immediately. But... one other thing. This is a dangerous mission. We needed for a brave man, so we asked for volunteers. CUTLER: So? WIGNER: (Over phone.) Your son volunteered. (Cutler is shocked and looks at the phone in disbelief.) WIGNER: Cutler? Are you there? CUTLER: Yes sir, yes I'm here. You've... sent my son to his death, you realise that I hope. WIGNER: (Over phone.) We'll bring him down. CUTLER: What about the loss of power? [SCENE_BREAK] 19. ISC, GENEVA WIGNER: His spacecraft has double the reserves of Zeus 4. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. TRACKING ROOM CUTLER: He's gonna need it. WIGNER: (Over phone.) Good luck, General. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. ISC, GENEVA WIGNER: If Cutler is right, then we are probably going to fight the first interplanetary war. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. VARIOUS RADAR STATIONS WORLDWIDE (Radar dishes move into position. A technician's hands can be seen operating controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. TRACKING ROOM (General Cutler is briefing everybody.) CUTLER: All right, that's the, the information, gentlemen. Now get cracking, and establish contact with it. (Everyone rushes off to their posts and murmurs "Right, sir!".) BARCLAY: But surely, sir... CUTLER: No buts. Get the information from computer, and let me know when you've got it. BARCLAY: Right sir. (Cutler picks up the phone.) CUTLER: Security? Major, I want the er, guard doubled on the main entrance. Use section 1. Yes, and section 2 to the flight exit and tracks. Section 3 to the fuel tanks, check them over, and double the guard on them. What's that? (Shouting.) I don't care what sort of a rest they're on! Get them out there, and do it quick! (Cutler cuts off the connection.) CUTLER: I'll get some action here yet. (Cutler re-establishes a connection.) CUTLER: Missile control? Program all Cobra anti-missiles for launch imminent. Stand in readiness and await instructions. (Cutler puts the phone down. Nearby, Ben, Polly and The Doctor have been listening to him.) POLLY: What a ghastly man. BEN: Yeah, I wouldn't want him on the bridge. (Cutler walks over to them.) CUTLER: We'll soon have this place sealed up like a bottle. DOCTOR: I think you rather underestimate the Cybermen, General. CUTLER: Oh, that's what you reckon is it, old man? Well, you're entitled to your opinions so long as you keep them to yourself! (Cutler turns towards Ben.) CUTLER: You did well boy, to kill that soldier. BEN: I had no choice. CUTLER: Oh, don't apologise. He's dead, isn't he? (Cutler storms off.) POLLY: He seems to be enjoying all this. CUTLER: What's that? What's that you said? POLLY: I said you seem to be enjoying all this. CUTLER: Look missy, I've got a personal stake in this emergency. That's my son, up in that capsule. And you know what happened to the last one. POLLY: I... I'm sorry. (Suddenly the radar technician calls across to Cutler from the radar screen.) TECHNICIAN: Sir! CUTLER: Yes? TECHNICIAN: General Cutler, sir! CUTLER: Yes, what is it? TECHNICIAN: Strong signal on the early warning, unidentified. CUTLER: Well, identify it, man! (Barclay stands up and takes his glasses off.) TECHNICIAN: Yes sir, it's er, er... There are hundreds of them, sir! (On the radar screen hundreds of small blips have appeared. They are moving quickly.) CUTLER: Hundreds of what? TECHNICIAN: Spaceships sir. In formation!
Plan: A: The Doctor's warnings; Q: What is ignored and the Cybermen take over the base? A: Zeus IV; Q: Who is the crew trying to help? Summary: The Doctor's warnings are ignored and the Cybermen take over the base, hampering the crew's efforts to help Zeus IV.
[Molina Bridge-River (underwater)-Day] NATHAN, in the limo, gasping for air in the only air bubble that is left on the roof of the limo) NATHAN: (in panic/gasping) HELP! Help me! HALEY! (to himself) Oh, God [Molina Bridge-Day] HALEY, in panic, is on her knees on the bridge looking down at the river) HALEY: (crying) NATHAN! Cooper! (Cut to NATHAN underwater: HALEY's voice can be heard as he still stays by the air bubble on the roof but it starts filling up) HALEY's voice: (crying) Nathan! (Cut to HALEY) HALEY: (looks at road) HEEEEELP! (Cut to NATHAN who goes down as he's running out of air) HALEY's voice: SOMEBODY PLEASE ... (Cut to HALEY: She is standing up jumping and looking at the river) HALEY: HEEEEEEELP! (Cut to the river, underwater: The bracelet HALEY put on NATHAN right hand before the limo fell, is floating in the water as NATHAN's hand tries to reach it but the hand and the bracelet separate Cut to NATHAN's face underwater, all the air he has left is running out as he lets out a bunch of air bubbles that transcend into water bubbles from a gallon of water that is being used to get some water at the Tree Hill Memorial Hospital) (LUCAS is standing by the gallon, looking at it) LUCAS: (v.o) My name is Lucas Scott (walks away) I'm a senior at Tree Hill high school (walks down the hospital hall) Tree Hill is just a place somewhere in the world ... maybe it's a lot like your world (stands still and looks ahead) maybe it's nothing like it ... (LUCAS looks at the hospital door open automatically and HALEY is standing by it looking down, her dress is a mess and so is she, mentally) LUCAS: (v.o) ... but if you look closer (looks at HALEY sympathetically) you might see someone like you (walks up to HALEY) or someone like my best friend, Haley ... (HALEY sees LUCAS and he holds out a cup of water) LUCAS: (v.o) If you're married, a senior in high school (HALEY hugs LUCAS, crying) and not sure if your husband is still alive ... then I'd say your world is a lot like Haley's (LUCAS puts his arm around HALEY and they walk through the hall) LUCAS: (v.o) Today was suppose to be the best day of her life ... but it's amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye (LUCAS and HALEY keep walking, a hospital clock on the wall that reads "2:30") LUCAS: (v.o) Or in this case ... in about 29 minutes (White flash, when the flash ends it Cuts to LUCAS' car clock that reads "2:01": NATHAN and HALEY are in it) (NATHAN laughs) HALEY: (smiles) What? NATHAN: I can't believe that Rachel got drunk and stole our wedding limo HALEY: I can't believe that your Uncle Cooper slept with Rachel--she's (enunciates) seventeen--what is he like thirty? NATHAN: He must not've known. I mean, he couldn't of known ... right? (HALEY laughs as the car continues up the road) [Tree Hill-Road-Limo-Day] RACHEL crying and upset, COOPER, driving with an upset look) RACHEL: (crying) When we slept together that night, you new I was seventeen COOPER: Rachel ... enough RACHEL: Maybe it could work, Cooper (COOPER looks out from side mirror) you know (laughs sadly) we're good together--maybe the age difference doesn't matter-- COOPER: --It does matter! All right? ...and listen to me, we're gonna take this limousine back to the reception (Rachel cries more) where you and I ... never happened RACHEL: (desperate) Isn't there anything I can say to keep you, Coop? COOPER: No, I'm sorry, there's not RACHEL: Well that's to bad ... because there's something I have to tell you (COOPER looks at her) ... (voice breaking) I'm pregnant (COOPER, in shock, looks at her stomach) COOPER: (looks at road/not buying it) I don't believe you RACHEL: (mad) Pull over COOPER: No, I'm not lettin' you out of this car until we talk about this RACHEL: I SAID "PULL OVER" ! COOPER: NO! YOU DON'T JUST TELL-- (RACHEL pulls the wheel) HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE WHEEL! (The car skids off the road, then back onto it and it heads to the bridge. At the same time LUCAS' car, with NATHAN and HALEY in it, are driving towards them on the opposite side. The limo goes on there car's lane and NATHAN is looking at HALEY) HALEY: LOOK OUT! (NATHAN looks ahead and dramatically turns the wheel and both the cars skid. RACHEL is putting her hands up to block herself and COOPER looses control of the limo trying to avoid hitting the car. LUCAS' car skids to the side of the road but the limo, in slow-motion, falls of the bridge as it brakes the wooden guard rail's and lands upside down into the lake. It stays floating on the top for some seconds before it starts to sink to the bottom. Camera moves to COOPER and RACHEL who are in the car unconscious and the whole limo is filled with water cut to NATHAN and HALEY getting out of the car as they run to the side of the bridge) NATHAN: That was Cooper! (looks out to the river) Cooper! HALEY: (looks out to the river) COOPER! NATHAN: (moves back but facing river) Haley, call nine--one--one HALEY: (scared) Nathan, don't! (NATHAN takes his eyes off the river and looks at HALEY) NATHAN: (as if saying goodbye) I love you (HALEY, sadly mouths "don't" NATHAN stares at her for a moment and then runs from the bridge onto the river) HALEY: NATHAN! (NATHAN jumps in and falls in the river in slow-motion, dives in head first) HALEY: (impatiently) NATHAN! (NATHAN no longer visible) Nathan! (Cut to Limo underwater: NATHAN looks inside the limo through the drivers side and can see COOPER and RACHEL unconscious. He then goes in through one of the limo windows and swims towards them. NATHAN tugs on COOPER a bit before trying to pull of his seatbelt which seems jammed but he manages to undo it, he tries to open the car door but it wont budge, he then tries to carry COOPER but he is running out of air and lets out a scream. NATHAN swims up to a bubble at the roof of the limo and takes a deep breath) NATHAN: (gasping) God! HELP ME! (Cut to HALEY sitting and crying at bridge looking down on the river) HALEY: (crying/desperately) HELP, PLEASE! (All of a sudden a car comes driving by and HALEY quickly stands to signal to it) HALEY: (jumping) Oh! Stop! Stop! (car stops) Oh, Luke! (tries to open driver door) (LUCAS and KAREN are in the car and they quickly run out and head to the bridge as HALEY talks frantically and in panic, heading to the side by the river) HALEY: (crying) The limousine--with Cooper--went off the bridge and then--and then Nathan jumped over (crying harder) and he hasn't come up for a really long time (As they look over at the river there are bubble sounds and a body floats up head side down) HALEY: (thinking the worst) NATHAN! LUCAS: (horrified/quietly) Oh, God (LUCAS takes off his jacket) HALEY: NATHAN! (LUCAS drops his jacket and jumps in the water feet first, the girls scream as LUCAS jumps in, swims back up and looks around) HALEY: OH! KAREN: (grabs HALEY by the shoulders) Did you call nine--one--one?! HALEY: I did! I called them! (crying in panic) HELP HIM, LUKE! (HALEY covers her mouth and cries as LUCAS grabs the body and tries to drag it to the shore) HALEY: NATHAN! (LUCAS pulls the body to shore and he looks at it and sees its COOPER, he places COOPER on land and lies him down stomach side down) LUCAS: IT'S COOPER! (LUCAS looks around the river as if trying to eye NATHAN and then swims back in. HALEY looks at the body and mouths "Cooper". KAREN who ran down from the bridge to COOPER kneels to him Cut to underwater: LUCAS is swimming and gets to the limo and looks in but RACHEL's body is not there anymore, he swims back up to shore) LUCAS: AAH! I CAN'T FIND HIM! HALEY: WHAT?! LUCAS: I CAN'T FIND HIM! HALEY: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! HE'S DOWN THERE! LUCAS: NO! THE CAR IS EMPTY! (LUCAS looks around) NATHAN! (KAREN looks around) NATHAN! (LUCAS swims back under water) HALEY: (looks over river) NATHAN! (HALEY puts her hands on her head) THEME SONG - Gavin DeGraw "I Don't Want to Be" [Molina Bridge-Day] KAREN is still with COOPER, HALEY is waiting on top at the bridge and LUCAS comes up from under the water) LUCAS: I CAN'T FIND HIM! (looks around) NATHAN! HALEY: NATHAN! LUCAS: Nathan! (LUCAS looks around and sees on the other side of the shore are RACHEL and NATHAN lying down belly side down. NATHAN has his arm around her, LUCAS mouths "Oh, my God") LUCAS: (swimming to NATHAN) HALEY, DON'T LOOK! (HALEY walks to the other side where NATHAN is) HALEY: Oh, GOD! (runs) NATHAN! (LUCAS swims towards an unconscious RACHEL and NATHAN) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-Hallway] (On the other side of the hall in a waiting room sit LUCAS, sitting forward, and HALEY leaning on his shoulder, both staring into space) LUCAS: (v.o) Things that take fourteen minutes ... boiling an ostrich egg, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, it also takes fourteen minutes to get from the Molina Bridge to Tree Hill hospital In those fourteen minutes, three lives are in the balance (close up of HALEY and LUCAS) For the rest of us there was nothing to do but wait ... I guess that's why they call it the waiting room LUCAS: (expressionless) Someone should call Dan (LUCAS stands) LUCAS: (v.o) Dan Scott is many things (dials cell) The mayor of Tree Hill (walks away) a once great high school basketball player (HALEY lies on couch) and Nathan's father (holds phone to ear passing pictures on wall) he's also my father but he never claimed me (passes one of DAN) believe it or not I got the better end of the deal (camera zooms into DAN's picture) I was instead raised by my mom with help from my Uncle Keith ... [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living Room] DAN, with a towel, is trying to scrub the words "Murderer" off his wall, he's already taken off the "er" ex: Murder "er") LUCAS: (v.o) ... until Keith's life was taken (DAN scrubbing on the "r" from Murde "r"er as he thinks) DAN: (v.o) (angry) You are no longer my brother, you son of a bitch! (DAN stops scrubbing) *Flashback-Tree Hill High-Hallway* (Day of school shooting) (DAN picks up the gun after JIMMY had dropped it from shooting himself. DAN points the gun to KEITH who has a mixture of hurt and fear and he slowly stands) *End of Flashback* (DAN stands there and thinks) DAN: (v.o) You do not exist to me *Flashback-Tree Hill High-Hallway* (Day of school shooting) (DAN shoots the gun and KEITH falls to the floor) *End of Flashback* (DAN stares into space, scared, and his cell rings. DAN looks at the phone from a distance for a moment, the cell is by the picture of KEITH and DAN when they were young, he looks back to the wall and continues scrubbing) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital] LUCAS is in front of the baby room, where they keep the babies and is looking at them through the glass with the phone in his ear, he hangs up as KAREN walks up to him) LUCAS: Hey, any news, ma? (KAREN tisks and shakes her head "no" and they both look at the babies, she smiles and holds her stomach) KAREN: We need to talk about this pregnancy LUCAS: Keith would be so happy (motioning to her stomach) I can't believe you're having his baby KAREN: I'm not talking about that pregnancy ... who's test did you find at the reception? Was it Brookes? LUCAS: I'm not sure yet KAREN: (sighs) I'm your mother, Lucas, and considering that I was pregnant at 17, I just want to know if ... history is repeating itself with my son and his girlfriend (LUCAS nods his head and DEB walks from behind LUCAS with a smile) DEB: (smiles) Nathan's awake (LUCAS and KAREN turn to DEB as she walks away and LUCAS runs to her direction leaving KAREN there who looks back to the babies) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-Emergency Room] LUCAS runs in and he sees NATHAN on the examining bed and HALEY by his side, wearing LUCAS' jacket--I think, and smiling) LUCAS: (scoffs/sarcastic) So what? The wedding wasn't enough, you needed even more attention? NATHAN: (holds hand out) Thank you, Luke (LUCAS shakes his hand) LUCAS: For what? (HALEY is rubbing NATHAN's cheek) NATHAN: For saving my life LUCAS: I just got Cooper to shore, man, you're the one who saved everybody ... you're a hero, Nate (HALEY looks at NATHAN who looks forward, trying to remember it Cuts quickly to NATHAN under water Cut back to NATHAN Cut to NATHAN underwater Cut to NATHAN Cut to the river underwater where NATHAN desperately swims up to the limo roof to breath for air from the bubble) NATHAN: HELP ME! (Cut to the bracelet floating under water it keeps cutting to NATHAN and the bracelet quickly but each time, the bracelet floats more to the right Cut to air bubbles under water Cut to NATHAN's hand, with the wedding ring, pounding on the roof of the limo Cut to NATHAN in the limo) NATHAN: HALEY! (Cut to HALEY under water just staring like a zombie for a split second Cut to NATHAN Cut to HALEY) *End of Flashbacks* (NATHAN looks away from LUCAS and HALEY) [PEYTON's Bedroom] PEYTON is at her computer desk with a tin trash can holding her "Best Friends Forever" picture of her and BROOKE) (PEYTON looks away from it, tears it to throw in the trash, when she does it falls into a pile of fire at the bottom of the trashcan. PEYTON picks up the picture with LUCAS, BROOKE and her and stares at it) (PEYTON looks away and thinks) PEYTON: (v.o) If I say ... *Flashback-Tree Hill High-Library* (Day of school shooting) (LUCAS leans a little in as PEYTON moves closer and they kiss then part) PEYTON: (v.o) ... "I love you" will you hold it against me? (LUCAS opens his eyes) PEYTON: (v.o) Brooke? *End of Flashback* (PEYTON looks down) PEYTON: (v.o) I think I still have feelings for Lucas *Flashback-PEYTON's Bedroom* (BROOKE slaps PEYTON) BROOKE: (angry) You're a back-stabbing (points) two-faced bitch, Peyton! *End of Flashback* (PEYTON looks forward hurt) BROOKE: (v.o) As far as I'm concerned ... *Flashback-PEYTON's Bedroom* PEYTON and BROOKE) BROOKE: ... this friendship is over ... *End of Flashback* (PEYTON tears the picture) BROOKE: (v.o) ... and if we never speak again ... *Flashback-PEYTON's Bedroom* PEYTON with BROOKE) (PEYTON looking down, crying) BROOKE: ... for the rest of our lives (PEYTON looks up) that'll be fine *End of Flashback* (When PEYTON is done tearing the picture she puts two pieces together and it's just her and LUCAS and she positions it so it looks like it was just the two of them that took that picture. She looks at it for a moment before she drops it down to the side with more pictures of her and BROOKE she walks to her wall of albums) <Note in episode 117, BROOKE had actually removed herself from both PEYTON and LUCAS> (PEYTON pulls out a Led Zeppelin album and when she's pulling the disk out a paper falls down from it and she picks it up to read it, when she does she looks up in shock as if someone had told her, her mom had resurrected) [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living room] DAN is still cleaning the wall then walks away and sighs. He looks at the picture of him and KEITH as children and then looks up and sees the older boy in the picture, YOUNG KEITH, standing in front of him wearing the same thing in the picture, blue sweater, red shirt, dark pants) YOUNG KEITH: Looks like I'm not the only one who knows you killed me DAN: (looking to the side away from Y.K/mad) Shut up you little smart-ass ghost (DAN goes back to the wall and continues cleaning. YOUNG KEITH looks outside and there is a detective looking cop car approaching his home) YOUNG KEITH: (turns to DAN) No ... I'm definitely not the only one who knows (DAN, worried, walks over to a window to look outside the cops are out there) YOUNG KEITH: (sing song voice) Some one's in trouble (DAN turns to YOUNG KEITH and sees him by the wall. YOUNG KEITH smiles, in an evil way, and touches the "Murderer" paint. DAN looks back out and he sees the police are approaching his door) (DAN shuts his blinds) [DAN SCOTT Residence-Front Porch-Day] OFFICER #1 pounds lightly on the door, OFFICER #2 stands with him) OFFICER #1: Mayor Scott, it's the police DAN's VOICE: Be there in a second! (DAN opens the door and walks outside) DAN: Good afternoon, gentlemen (closes door behind him/holds hands out to show paint) You, uh, caught me red handed OFFICER #1: Sorry to bother you, Mayor but, your sons had an accident (DAN looks at them in shock) DAN: ... Which one? (Elevator dings) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-Elevator] (The door opens and DAN walks out with a lot of reporters and photographers waiting for him, cameras shutter and reporters follow him) REPORTER's VOICE: Mayor Scott (CHANNEL 3 REPORTER approaches DAN) CH 3 REPORTER: Do you know how badly hurt your son is? (Another reporter comes up to DAN) WOMEN REPORTER: Mayor, will this affect his basketball career? DAN: Look, I appreciate your concern for Nathan but right now I'm just a worried father who needs to see his son (DAN walks away leaving all the reporters and photographers there and walks to the corner to look through a hall. Cut to LUCAS who is sitting at the hall across and he spots DAN who doesn't see him. SKILLS runs up to LUCAS) SKILLS: Luke? (LUCAS looks happy to see him and sighs relived) LUCAS: (stands) Hey, Skills (LUCAS and SKILLS do that shake and shoulder hug that guys do) SKILLS: Wha' 'sup, man? Bevin heard about the accident, man--how Nathan and Haley doing? LUCAS: Uh, I think they'll be okay SKILLS: Cool (they walk across the hall) How 'bout 'chu? LUCAS: I'm Fine SKILLS: Sure about that? (LUCAS looks confused) 'Cause Bevin heard you and Brooke had a little friction at the weddin' (LUCAS gives him a look) Man--you know Bevin be hearin' things, dawg LUCAS: Look, I--Brooke kind-a found out that I ... kissed Peyton ... again SKILLS: Wow ... well--is a good thing you in a hospital ... 'Cause your sorry ass in bad shape, bro LUCAS: Thanks, it was the school shooting--Peyton was scared, she kissed me and ... I let her SKILLS: Look (looks across) just in case Brooke decide to show up (looks him up and down) I don't wanna be standing to close to you (LUCAS nods) Look, if you need something, dawg, call me (elevator dings) same go for Haley (LUCAS holds his fists out and SKILLS does the same thing and they put them together) PEYTON's VOICE: Lucas! (PEYTON walks from the elevator to LUCAS and SKILLS) SKILLS: And try not to make out with her, please (LUCAS closes his eyes for a moment, SKILLS leaves but shows the peace sign to PEYTON before he goes and she walks up to LUCAS) PEYTON: Hey ... how's Nathan, is he okay? LUCAS: (little tired) Yeah, I think so--he's awake (PEYTON nods) Rachel and Cooper are still unconscious (PEYTON stares at LUCAS for a moment) PEYTON: (whispers) I'm sorry (PEYTON leans forward to hug LUCAS and he hugs her back, they hold on to each other) LUCAS: (v.o) Peyton Sawyer's a good friend ... (PEYTON smiles, a bit, obviously happy) (The elevator, from afar, opens and BROOKE walks out and stops suddenly to see LUCAS and PEYTON) LUCAS: (v.o) ... Brooke Davis is my girlfriend ... (BROOKE sees them hugging but they don't see her, LUCAS has his eyes closed and PEYTON's back is facing BROOKE at the elevator) LUCAS: (v.o) ... at least for now she is (BROOKE looks uncomfortably away then heads to the opposite direction. LUCAS and PEYTON continue to hug) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-RACHELS Recovery Room] BROOKE walks in and sees RACHEL in her bed asleep, she takes one more step forward but then turns to exit) RACHEL: (eyes closed/tired) Slut BROOKE: (turns) Bitch RACHEL: (smiles weakly/eyes closed) Whore (BROOKE looks down and smiles, then walks forward to RACHEL who turns her head to face her) RACHEL: Well (takes deep sigh) I know I'm not in heaven (inhales) .... 'cause they'd never let Brooke Davis' skanky ass through the gates (smiles) BROOKE: And your ass wouldn't fit ... (smiles) at least not in the old one (RACHEL rests her eyes a bit) How are you? RACHEL: Is Cooper okay? BROOKE: (shrugs/sad) I don't know, I'm sorry (RACHEL looks away) do you remember what happened? RACHEL: (thinks) We were arguing BROOKE: About what? RACHEL: (deep sigh) ... I told him I was pregnant (BROOKE's eyes widen) ... (guilty) but I lied ... I'm not pregnant, I just ... wanted to scare him (BROOKE nods and LUCAS enters with her not noticing) LUCAS: Brooke? (BROOKE looks at RACHEL but is a little surprised then turns around, LUCAS smiles) [The River Walk-Docks] LUCAS and BROOKE walking) LUCAS: I tried to call ya BROOKE: Yeah--I know, I came as soon as I got your voice mail ... I'm glad you're okay LUCAS: So, like, after you left the reception I found your purse and ..... iiiiit had a pregnancy test in it BROOKE: We all got the same purse as wedding gifts LUCAS: It had that ... perfume you wear (They stop and turn to each other) BROOKE: Look, the test wasn't ... I'm not pregnant, okay (looks down) I promise (LUCAS sighs, looks down and smiles a little, relieved. BROOKE nods and fake smiles) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-Emergency room] DAN hugging NATHAN) DAN: How you feelin? (DAN lets go and looks at NATHAN who's sitting up) NATHAN: (sighs) ... I just wanna go home DAN: (whispers) Yeah, sure, I understand (turns around) How 'bout you, Haley? Not exactly the honeymoon planned (HALEY and DEB are standing by entrance door next to a DOCTOR who's looking at NATHAN's x-rays) HALEY: It's okay, honeymoon can wait (DAN smiles) DAN: (to doctor) How's the knee, doctor? DOCTOR: (walks up to NATHAN) Oh, it'll be fine, just sore for a couple of days but I'd like to run a couple tests if you don't mind (pats NATHAN's back) DAN: (looking at NATHAN) Yeah (DAN helps NATHAN stand up and they all start to exit from the room, except DAN) DAN: Uh, Deb? (DEB stops) Do you have a minute? (DEB looks at HALEY for a minute and then walks back in, the doors close) DAN: (looking down) We, uh, haven't exactly-- (DAN quickly grabs DEB by the throat and pushes her to the wall all this time DEB is screaming and scared) DAN: (looks at her with murder in his eye) Had a chance to talk about your confession have we ex wife-y! (DEB gasps for air) You tried to kill me at the dealership fire (DEB coughs and gasps with DAN still holding her by the throat) DAN: Go ahead, scream for someone and force your little restraining order (DEB coughs) What? (sing-song voice) I can't here you? (DEB grabs DAN's arm and throws it away from her throat) DEB: You son of a bitch! (DEB starts coughing) DAN: No, no that'd be Nathan--you see, he's the son, you're the bitch DEB: You listen to me DAN: (threatening voice) No, you listen to me ... you don't know the hell you unleashed when you blew it (loud whisper/through teeth) and now it's my turn (DEB looks at him, terrified) so you be afraid, Deb ... be more than afraid (DAN walks to the door pushes a button and the doors automatically open. He leaves DEB there leaning on the wall and the doors closes) [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Living room] HALEY and NATHAN enter, HALEY brings her luggage and her veil and NATHAN holds airline tickets) NATHAN: Hales, I can get those HALEY: It's okay, I've got it (HALEY looks around and notices the changes in the room but focuses on the wall behind the couch, it's a big mural of the London bridge and the city, the walls are blue and there's this expensive looking tall, thin piece of glass that is glowing in neon blue that has water bubbles, looks like the bubbles are going up) NATHAN: I was gonna surprise you when we got back ... (smiles) it's the London Bridge HALEY: (smiles) Thank you (she puts her hand on NATHAN's cheek) it's probably good that we didn't go (clears throat) I mean the wedding wasn't cheap, now we got new furniture to pay for and (walks towards kitchen) I can't wait to get those hospital bills especially considering we don't have insurance (NATHAN stops by the blue glass and stares at it) *Flashback-Molina Bridge-River (underwater)* (Bubbles fill the water at the river Cut to close up of LUCAS' car, the grills and tire, as it drives Cut to HALEY putting the bracelet on NATHAN just moments before reaching the bridge she looks at NATHAN and smiles Cut to HALEY, still in the car, putting her hand away from her mouth as she looks at NATHAN Cut to HALEY looking at her corsage, NATHAN's arm around her Cut to NATHAN underwater in limo, swims to the roof to gasp for air) NATHAN: Oh, God! ... HALEY! *End of Flashback* (NATHAN stands staring at the blue water glass. HALEY walks up to him and rubs his arm) HALEY: It's okay, you're safe, you're home now (NATHAN puts his arm around HALEY, she looks at him for a moment then they hug) NATHAN: Hey, um ... before thee accident ... there was something that you wanted to tell me HALEY: (looks down) I ... got accepted to Stanford (HALEY looks up and smiles, NATHAN makes a "really?" expression) NATHAN: Wow ... Well (smiles) I'm happy for you, Hales (deep sigh) even though we just spent your tuition money (HALEY sadly groans and hugs NATHAN) HALEY: Mmm, it's all right we'll figure something out, as long as were together (NATHAN is looking forward and thinking) [PEYTON's Bedroom] PEYTON sits on her bed, back facing the door, reading the letter she found. LUCAS enters and knocks on the wall) LUCAS: Hey (PEYTON quickly turns and hides the letter behind her back) PEYTON: Hey (LUCAS walks in) Everything okay? LUCAS: Yeah, uh, (sits on bed) Nathan's home and-- ... Rachel's awake, just ... waitin' on Cooper PEYTON: Lookin' for Brooke? LUCAS: Sort of, yeah, I saw her at the hospital and she said that she kind of went off on ya PEYTON: Oh, yeah, pretty much told me to go Brooke myself LUCAS: I'm sorry, Peyton (PEYTON smiles a "that's okay") I mean, I didn't think that kiss meant anything but apparently to Brooke it meant everything PEYTON: She didn't say anything else, did she? (LUCAS looks at her) about me? Or ... us? LUCAS: Like what? (PEYTON tries to come out and say it but only comes up with ...) PEYTON: Nothing (shakes head negatively) LUCAS: Is that letter form her? (LUCAS had noticed the letter she'd been hiding so she pulls it out from her side since there was no point in hiding it) PEYTON: (holds it by lap) Actually no (looking at letter) you remember when Ellie came to town and told me she was my birth mother? (LUCAS nods) PEYTON: It's happening again LUCAS: You have a ... third mother-- PEYTON: --No (LUCAS chuckles) Not exactly (PEYTON holds out the letter for LUCAS to take, he gives her a confused look before he reaches out to read it, PEYTON looks at the letter from afar waiting for a response) LUCAS: (eyes never leaving letter) Wuh-- ... where'd you get this? PEYTON: From an album she left ... one of her favorites LUCAS: Then, if this is ... true PEYTON: (nods/smiles) Yeah (LUCAS looks at PEYTON) PEYTON: Apparently I have a brother (LUCAS scoffs and PEYTON fake grins) [SCENE_BREAK] [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-COOPER's Recovery Room] COOPER lies there unconscious. RACHEL walks up to him, wearing her hospital gown and kisses him on the mouth then looks at him) RACHEL: (sadly) I'm so sorry (RACHEL stares at COOPER) REEVES VOICE: I understand you were inebriated (RACHEL turns around to see DETECTIVE REEVES standing by the door. Throughout this scene the detective uses a bit of a suspicious tone on RACHEL) REEVES: (walks towards RACHEL) Several witnesses say you were-- ... you made a bit of a scene at the reception (RACHEL stroking COOPER but looking at REEVES) said you were pretty upset with him (RACHEL looks scared) Now, when you're up to it ... we're gonna need to take your statement about what happened on that bridge, I'm especially interested to here (RACHEL looks at COOPER ready to cry) how a ... (behind RACHEL) professional driver could just-- ... loose control of the vehicle like that ... I mean--I have my theory but (RACHEL looks at him) for your sake (shakes head negatively) you better hope he wakes up and tells me that I'm wrong (REEVES exits and RACHEL looks back at COOPER) [The River Court-Basket Ball Court-Day] SKILLS playing one-on-one with FERGIE, MOUTH at bleachers with JUNK sitting next to him) SKILLS: You--smell that, Fergie? Mmm? It smell like ... (SKILLS fakes FERGIE and passes him towards the hoop and makes a basket) MOUTH: OH! A basket by Skills and a visit by Lucas Scott--both rare occurrences (SKILLS, holding the ball, and FERGIE walk over to LUCAS who is walking towards the court) SKILLS: Hey, Yo, Mouth? Stay off the crack pipe, dawg (LUCAS laughs and shakes SKILLS hand and they shoulder hug, same with FERGIE) FERGIE: What's up, baby? LUCAS: Good, brother SKILLS: How Nate? LUCAS: He'll be okay MOUTH: What about Rachel? LUCAS: You haven't seen her yet? (MOUTH shakes head negatively) I think she'll be okay, no word on Cooper yet, though SKILLS: So look, I got a favor to "ax" you? LUCAS: Yeah, anything SKILLS: All right--I was kind-a thinkin' about trying to go to college but ... money kind-a tight right now, Anyway, I know you had to leave the team because of your heart condition and all that ... but I was thinkin' maybe the ravens could use another shooting guard LUCAS: You wanna join the Ravens? SKILLS: If it's gonna get me a scholarship. I mean, look, I know it's a long shot but ... you never know, they might actually (LUCAS laughs) make a run in the post season and somebody might actually get to see me play, you know--Small D2, Juco--whatever, just wondering if you could talk to Whitey for me (LUCAS laughs) LUCAS: Absolutely (LUCAS and SKILLS shake hands and shoulder hug) SKILLS: Hey, look, I just wanna try out, dawg. I'm not axin' for no special treatment or nothin' just a chance LUCAS: I hear you, man, I was there--I'll talk to Whitey SKILLS: Cool, good lookin' out (SKILLS hands LUCAS the ball, LUCAS grabs it and shoots from where he's standing, the ball flies through the air and goes into the basket) [DEB SCOTT (LEE) Residence-Kitchen] DEB looking through drawer by fridge then closes it and looks around with an expression like she's impatient and desperate to find what she's looking for. She sees flowers in a vase on the island-counter and grabs them only to dump the flowers out on the counter, when she does a bottle of prescription pills falls out, she picks them up and looks at them for a moment before heading to the sink to open the bottle when she does she holds it up realizing what she's about to do again) [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living room] DAN has a ladder with paint on it, he is holding a paint roller and painting the wall a bit of a darker red then the words "Murderer" he has so far painted over "rderer" he brings the roller to the paint to add more and then looks over at the picture of him and KEITH as children, picks it up stares at it as it transcends to a close up of the picture. KEITH is on the right, smiling, DAN is on the left, not smiling) [ROE Residence-Kitchen] KAREN walks in fixing her hair a bit and walks over to the shelf to grab a pile of mail, DAN enters from the door that heads outside and stands by the frame, KAREN is facing him but doesn't notice his presence since she's looking at the mail) (DAN knocks and KAREN looks up) DAN: May I? KAREN: ... How's Nathan? DAN: (walks in) I don't know, really? You'd have to ask my ex-wife KAREN: (walks towards DAN/rhetorical tone) Who's fault is that? (DAN closes his eyes from the sting of her words) DAN: Yeah, fair enough (looks down) KAREN: And Cooper? DAN: (looks up/upset) Cooper would be better off if he died in his sleep--every time that immature punk comes into town my son ends up in the hospital (KAREN walks towards him a little more but is looking down disappointed in DAN) DAN: Hopefully he'll be okay (stands face to face with KAREN) Karen? (chuckles) ... (KAREN looks up annoyed) would it be the strangest of things if we got a cup of coffee sometime? KAREN: (throws some mail at the table) I've given up coffee through my pregnancy DAN: A movie then? KAREN: No DAN: You've given up movies, too? KAREN: No, I just don't wanna go with you DAN: (softly) Karen, I-- ... I just, uh ... I just wanna be there for you ... I know I wasn't there for you and Lucas but you shouldn't have to raise another child on your own KAREN: I didn't raise Lucas alone (looks DAN up and down) I had Keith (KAREN walks away and DAN stands there not even moving a bit, his eyes look down) [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Living room] (The TV is on and it's showing the limo being pulled out of the river as the phone rings, camera moves to NATHAN, on the couch, who is staring at the TV intensely and it seems like he doesn't even notice the phone ringing) ANCHORMAN ON TV: Though the car leapt The Molina Bridge (phone rings) and crashed through the guard rail was completely submerged. The occupants of the car (phone rings) were bein driving to ... (HALEY, hair wet, walks to the living room and answers phone, holding two cups of coffee) HALEY: Hello? ... (looks annoyed) I'm sorry, no comment (HALEY hangs up the phone and puts it down, walks up to NATHAN and sits on the couch with him) HALEY: (weak smile) The hardest days seem to last the (small laugh) longest (leans back on couch) Is it possible we only renewed our wedding vows this morning (NATHAN hasn't even bothered to look away from the TV) NATHAN: It was like another life ago (NATHAN watches as they pull the limo from the river and onto the Molina Bridge. At the bottom of the TV screen it reads "... as two from submerged limousine. COOPER LEE and RACHEL GATINA are ..." ) ANCHORMAN ON TV: ... Mr. Lee and Miss Gatina ... some viewers will recall that Nathan's Heroism, also at the center of a tragic ... (HALEY must notice how it's getting to NATHAN a bit so she sympathetically puts her arm around him but he doesn't take his eyes off the TV) HALEY: (smiles) Hey (HALEY puts her hand on NATHAN's cheek and turns his head to look at her, when he does she smiles at him and she lightly rubs his face) HALEY: What happened down there?--at the river? Can you tell me? (NATAN looks away) *Flashback-Molina Bridge-River (underwater)* (A close up of NATHAN's face which seems like he's drowning then it fades to COOPER and RACHEL trapped in the car as NATHAN swims up to them and tries to get COOPER out but notices the seatbelt and starts tugging on it but it seems jammed, all of a sudden COOPER grabs his hand and NATHAN's looks up at him. COOPER widens his eyes open and it scares NATHAN) *End of Flashback* NATHAN: (quietly) I don't know HALEY: (softly) It's gonna be okay, Nathan (HALEY hugs him and leans him back on the couch with her arms still around him) HALEY: Everything's gonna be okay NATHAN: I don't think so, Haley ... today, for the first time in a long time ... it doesn't feel like anything's gonna be okay (Hospital heart monitor starts beeping rapidly in the background) (Cut to Tree Hill Memorial Hospital--COOPER's Recovery Room) COOPER's heart monitor starts beeping rapidly and it changes from 39 to an arrow pointing down and goes flat line, COOPER is lying in his bed and the camera zooms to him) (Cut to NATHAN and HALEY: COOPER's monitor, which is still flat, is heard in the background, NATHAN is looking ahead as HALEY pulls him closer to lean her head on his head) (Cut to RACHEL's Recovery Room: RACHEL is sitting up on the bed and the heart monitor, which is flat, can be heard, she widens her eyes, in shock. Doctors and nurses are outside her room running to COOPER's room) NURSE: CODE BLUE! WOMEN: Code three, code blue--code three (RACHEL turns and runs out) (Cut to NATHAN and HALEY: Heart monitor, Flat, heard in the background) HALEY: You're a hero, you did everything that you could (NATHAN looks at HALEY with a "Did I" expression) (Cut to Tree Hill Memorial Hospital: Flat line heard as Nurses are bringing in that Defibrillator, heart pumping machine that they use to revive the heart by giving electric shocks, as the doctor tries pumping COOPER's heart with her palms) DOCTOR: Code blue! Cardiac arrest (pumps COOPER's chest with palms) pulse rapidly descending (An intern grabs an oxygen mask and puts it on COOPER) (Cut to NATHAN and HALEY: Monitor still in background) NATHAN: Did I? (Cut to COOPER's room: [flat line] RACHEL runs in and stands by the door frame and she sees the doctor pumping COOPER's heart and the intern putting an oxygen mask on his face. She stares scared as DETECTIVE REEVES walks up to her from behind. The doctor and the nurse stare at the heart monitor which is not showing any change) DOCTOR: We're losing him! (DOCTOR and INTERN continue and REEVES looks at RACHEL like if he wants her to feel responsible, which she does, the scene fades and so does the flat line) (Cut to Tree Hill Memorial hospital: [flat line] DOCTOR continues pumping COOPER's heart with her palms DOCTOR: Let's have a high dose of Epi (pronounces it Eppy) (The intern removes COOPER's gown so it can go down to his upper ribs. RACHEL and REEVES watch from the door. The doctor runs to the other side of the room) DOCTOR: Prepare to defibrillate (DOCTOR grabs the two handles from the defibrillator as the defibrillator charges) DOCTOR: Clear (DOCTOR places them on COOPER's chest, the shocks are heard and his body jumps up, it startles RACHEL) INTERN: No response DOCTOR: Push one of Atropine (DETECTIVE REEVES and RACHEL watch) DOCTOR's VOICE: I'm Gonna hit him again ... clear (DOCTOR shocks him again, there are red marks on his chest from the first one. COOPER's heart monitor starts beeping at a normal rate) INTERN: B.P--100 systolic ... Pulse OX rising (DOCTOR puts the handles back to the machine and shuts it off as one of the nurses holds the oxygen mask on COOPER's face, his heart monitor continues to beep at a normal rate) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-Cooper's Recovery Room-Some time later] COOPER is lying in bed as RACHEL, back facing door, holds his wrist and stares at him, scared and sad. HALEY enters holding a bouquet of flowers and looks at RACHEL for a moment then walks in. RACHEL turns and looks at HALEY then back to COOPER, HALEY places her flowers on a desk) RACHEL: (eyes on COOPER) He should've been awake by now (HAYLEY walks up to them but stares at her with a "your fault" look) They told me Nathan saved my life ... how is he? HALEY: (looking at COOPER/softly and mad) How is he? (turns to RACHEL) ... (looks at RACHEL coldly) He's devastated, Rachel, and it's all your fault RACHEL: (sad) Haley, I-- HALEY: --I saw you in the limo, with Cooper, you were arguing with him, weren't you? RACHEL: (voice breaking) It wasn't what it looked like-- HALEY: --You ruined everything, you caused a huge scene at the reception, you stole the limo and now everybody's life is worse because of you (RACHEL looks down sadly) does it even matter to you? (RACHEL looks up) a little bit. Are you gonna change one single thing because of it? ... Nathan doesn't need you're thanks--neither do I. So why don't you stay the hell away from us (quickly looks at COOPER) all of us (HALEY, angry, exits and RACHEL sadly looks at COOPER) [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom] LUCAS sitting on bed looking at the picture of KEITH and KAREN holding an infant LUCAS, KAREN walks by through the hall) LUCAS: Hey, mom? (KAREN, holding a glass of water, stands by the door frame. The scene is set with KAREN by the door and LUCAS is seen on his bed from a mirror next to her) LUCAS: It wasn't Brooke, she's not pregnant (KAREN seems slightly relieved) ... are you happy about ... your pregnancy? (KAREN puts her water down on the desk by the mirror and walks up to LUCAS) KAREN: Why would you ask me that? LUCAS: Well (KAREN sits) when Andy proposed to you, you said no because ... he wanted to have a family and you didn't want kids ... and that's fair mom you put your life on hold for me a lot but-- ... KAREN: (smiles) Things are different now ... this is Keith's child, too (LUCAS looks down and slightly laughs) LUCAS: Okay (turns more to KAREN) well ... so then what would you say if I told you that I wanted to stay in Tree Hill for college? KAREN: ... (pats LUCAS' arm) He did a good job with you ... but UNC is not that far away (smiles) and I'll be fine (LUCAS nods his head for a while and mouths "kay" KAREN pats him and smiles then stands and goes to grab her water and exit) LUCAS: It's pretty cool though, huh? (KAREN turns) That you and Keith are having a baby (nods) It's kind-a like a part of him's coming back to us (KAREN looks at him for a moment) Karen: He did a good job with you (KAREN looks at LUCAS as she exits, he stares at the door for a moment then looks back down at the picture almost as if he wants to cry) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-RACHEL's Recovery Room] BROOKE, holding a gym bag, enters to a not so chipper RACHEL) Brooke: (exhales) Okay, so mission accomplished--I brought you some make-up and those scissors you wanted (puts bag on food stand and sits on bed) some music--a couple of outfits, which remind me clothes over bros should totally be designing hospital gowns 'cause I would not be (points disgustedly) caught dead in that ... (RACHEL looks down sadly) Sorry RACHEL: (slowly inhales) Do you think people can change, Brooke? ... I mean, truly change (BROOKE looks down and shrugs) BROOKE: Well (looks up) I'd like to say yes but honestly .... (shakes head negatively) I don't really think people can change (RACHEL looks down sadly) you know, at the end of the day you are who you are and it's probably who you've always been (RACHEL looks up and nods) RACHEL: What if who you've been is pretty horrible? (BROOKE looks down uncomfortably and quickly holds up keys to change the subject) BROOKE: I, I brought you back your house key's (RACHEL rolls her eyes) It's a very nice house, big rooms--no parents, I use ta ... have one of those (smiles) (RACHEL looks down for a moment) RACHEL: Keep 'em (BROOKE gives her an "excuse me?" look) I mean, you moved out of Peyton's place, right? ... You might as well crash at my house (BROOKE looks down smiling) unless you don't want to BROOKE: (scoffs humored) So ... this is what it looks like when hell freezes over? (RACHEL looks down and smiles) .... (nodding) thank you [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom] (Shot of computer with music list on screen, PEYTON is sitting on LUCAS' bed and LUCAS has the computer on the bed but sits on the chair at his desk) LUCAS: (breaths in through teeth) "She's A Runner"? PEYTON: (points) Billy Squire--and I am very impressed that you have Billy Squire on your I-tunes LUCAS: Actually ... I think you gave that to me (PEYTON puts finger by mouth and looks up, thinking) PEYTON: Oh LUCAS: Okay, uh ... "The Runaway Found"-- PEYTON: --The Veils LUCAS: "Running to stay-- PEYTON: --U2 LUCAS: (closes eye's for moment/finishes title) Still" PEYTON: Uh-huh (LUCAS laughs lightly and PEYTON looks at him smiling waiting for the next one) LUCAS: (quickly) "Running with the-- PEYTON: --Van Halen!-- LUCAS: (through teeth) --Devil!" God! (PEYTON laughs) Good ... man, when was the last time we just hug out? PEYTON: Ummm, God just the two of us? (rubs nose) I don't know, (smiling) probably the day we hid out in the library and I go shot in the leg LUCAS: (looks down) Yeaaah, you think about that much? PEYTON: ...Every day (looks away and down) I wish I could take that day back for you're mom and Keith (LUCAS looks down and nods) and I wish I could take back our kiss for you and Brooke (PEYTON looks at LUCAS who looks up at her and sighs) LUCAS: (smug) "Moody Suburban Teenage Love Song" PEYTON: (softly) Nice try (normal) Slow Runner (LUCAS laughs lightly and puts his head down, PEYTON laughs) LUCAS: Okay, so this ... maybe brother of yours PEYTON: Mmm LUCAS: ... He's not Ellie's kid, right? PEYTON: Mm-mm, no, he is thee son of the biological father I haven't met (inhales) ... (quietly) apparently his name is Derek LUCAS: You gonna call him? PEYTON: I don't know (LUCAS gives her a "What?" look) I mean, it's not just ... about me. It's his life to consider, too (looks down) so ... I mean, maybe he doesn't even know about me an-- ... maybe, he doesn't wanna know about me LUCAS: Or maybe he found a letter in a Led Zeppelin album and he's just a little to (teasing) scared to pick up the phone and dial (PEYTON gives him a "ha ha, very funny" look, the door opens and BROOKE enters to sees PEYTON in her boyfriends room) LUCAS: Hey BROOKE: I'd-- LUCAS: We were just-- ... (LUCAS motions to him and PEYTON. PEYTON looks down) BROOKE: (coldly) I'd like to talk to my boyfriend (PEYTON gets up) alone (PEYTON walk to the door a bit uncomfortable with the situation and LUCAS looks sympathetically at PEYTON for the way he sees BROOKE treating her. PEYTON starts to exit) BROOKE: (bitchy) Nice job not hitting on him (PEYTON stands next to BROOKE and looks at LUCAS) PEYTON: (smiles) Luke, I'll get those CD's later ... thanks for the s*x (BROOKE gives PEYTON a look and PEYTON just smiles at her and exits) LUCAS: (stands) She's ... (points outside) joking (BROOKE closes the door and looks away mad) LUCAS: I was trying to call you BROOKE: (turns to LUCAS) You mean, when you weren't hanging out with Peyton? LUCAS: (rolls eyes) Come on, Brooke? You never called me back BROOKE: (hands on hips) Now you know how I feel (LUCAS can't respond) ... Listen, I know it's been difficult for you lately--losing Keith and your heart condition (LUCAS listens) and giving up basketball (LUCAS looks away sadly) ... I feel like ... I've been keeping you close to me to try ta protect you from those things (LUCAS gives her a look like he's not understanding where it's all going) like I'm hanging on to the two of us for you ... but not for me (LUCAS looks up, somewhat annoyed, like it's the same argument over and over) LUCAS: ("how may times can I say it" tone) I'm sorry I kissed, Peyton (sits) ... I should've told you BROOKE: It's not about that, Luke ... it's not--I-- ... you-- (walks to LUCAS) I thought that it was but this is not about her (sits face to face with LUCAS) this is about (points to self) me ... I love you, Lucas (LUCAS smiles and puts his hand on her lap) and I probably always will (LUCAS' smiles drops when he feels a "But" coming) ... (voice breaking) but we go days without having a meaningful conversation ... and I use to miss you so much when that happened ... (teary) But it never seemed like you missed me (LUCAS looks down tries to talk but can't say anything) and I guess because of it I stopped missing you (LUCAS looks up as if her words are hurting him) I mean, look at today ... (BROOKE's voice drowns out with LUCAS' voice, he keeps his eyes on her and his eyes get sadder and sadder) LUCAS: (v.o) I guess I should've said something, anything, I mean, for a guy who wants to be a writer it suddenly ... seemed like no words had ever been written but when someone tells you they stopped missing you (he shakes his head negatively) ... you're pretty much screwed no matter what you say *This is what BROOKE is saying while LUCAS' voice over fades hers, Sorry that I couldn't catch it all, and some of it may not be on point* BROOKE: There was ... there was an accident and you ... called me after words ... (points to computer) But making a mix with Peyton? Sharing a laugh with Peyton ... it shouldn't be, should it? BROOKE: ... shouldn't be like this, Luke LUCAS: (heartbroken/quietly) Brooke BROOKE: (whispering) I'm sorry ... (hand by heart/teary) I can't do this anymore LUCAS: (v.o) See but there had to be something (BROOKE leans in and kisses him on the forehead but is looking ahead) right? (BROOKE stands to exit) Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world--something that could change this (out loud) Brooke? (BROOKE turns not really wanting to) LUCAS: ... I'm sorry BROOKE: (nods/softly) Yeah, me, too (BROOKE smiles sadly and exits, the door closes from the outside and the camera's looking in on LUCAS who is watching the door) LUCAS: (v.o) That wasn't it [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-RACHEL's Recovery Room] RACHEL is by her bed, dressed in normal clothing with the gym bag in front of her, holding a pair of scissors and cuts her medical bracelet off with her back facing the door, MOUTH enters) MOUTH: Going somewhere? (RACHEL turns startled, then realizes it's MOUTH and smiles) RACHEL: I didn't think you wanted to see me MOUTH: (shrugs) I didn't ... RACHEL: (worried) I really screwed this up, Mouth (MOUTH looks away for a moment upset that she's thinking about COOPER, not them) I mean--we were fighting ... and I grabbed the wheel ... (MOUTH looks at her for a moment) I have to get out of here (RACHEL turns and starts to gather her things) MOUTH: You can't runaway from this, Rachel (RACHEL turns to MOUTH) RACHEL: He could die, Mouth MOUTH: Listen to me (walks up to RACHEL) You know how you said you were going to tell everyone that you opened the time capsule and I said not to that you should bury it? ... I was wrong ... (RACHEL looks away worried) and until you face all the mistakes you made--you'll never change RACHEL: People don't change, Mouth MOUTH: But they can ... (RACHEL listens) they just don't because it's easier not to ... we're always waiting for our lives to begin--like ... figuring we'll be someone else someday ... (RACHEL looks away for a moment) but after this accident, and losing Jimmy ... and Keith ... what are we waiting for? ... All we have is now, Rachel ... (shakes head negatively) don't run from this (RACHEL stares at MOUTH) [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom] KAREN enters holding a drink and a sandwich and walks up to LUCAS who is at the bed on the laptop) KAREN: I am all for living life to the fullest (puts food on desk by bed) but could this day just be over already (LUCAS smiles and closes his laptop) LUCAS: (looking at laptop) Hey, ma? ... You loved Dan, right? (looks at KAREN) In high school? KAREN: (thinking/looking away) Oddly, yes LUCAS: (nods) Okay--look, I know you probably can't ... answer this for me but (KAREN looks at him) ... what did you do when he didn't love you back ... how did you get over it? KAREN: ... When I do ... I'll get back to you (KAREN looks at LUCAS for a moment then exits, he looks down at his laptop the opens it to type) LUCAS: (v.o) My name is Lucas Scott ... I'm a senior at Tree Hill high school ... I play basketball ... at least I use to (camera moves to picture of LUCAS and BROOKE from a couple years ago) I have a girlfriend (camera moves to the window) at least ... I use to ... [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Bedroom] HALEY is asleep belly side down) LUCAS: (v.o) ... And I have a best friend (Camera moves to NATHAN who is next to her lying on his back wide awake, he looks worried) *Flashback-Molina Bridge-River (underwater)* (NATHAN on the roof of the limo trying to breath for air) NATHAN: (scared) HALEY! *End of Flashback* (NATHAN blinks for a moment, looks over at HALEY and gets up out of bed. He walks over to the bathroom and the camera goes back to HALEY who slowly opens her eyes as if she'd never been asleep, only pretending) [PEYTON's Bedroom] (PEYTON, sitting at her desk, has her computer on and she turns on her web cam and looks at it, then at the computer, then at the camera again) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-RACHEL's Recovery Room] MOUTH walks in and then realizes RACHEL is not there anymore. He looks at the empty room in disappointment) [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-COOPER's Recovery Room] COOPER is lying there unconscious and RACHEL gets in the bed with him and pulls the covers over herself and lies on COOPER's chest and thinks) [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Front door (outside)-Night BROOKE walks up to the door and knocks a couple times. A sleepy HALEY opens the door) HALEY: (removing crust from eyes) Hey, Brooke BROOKE: Hey, um (looks down) Look, I know it's really late and it's been a long day--but ... I need to talk to you HALEY: (whispering) Yeah, (motions to go inside) Come on in (BROOKE walks in and HALEY smiles before closing the door) [DOCTOR's Office] DOCTOR walks up with a folder) DOCTOR: The first thing I'd like to do is take another pregnancy test just to find out exactly how far along you are. Then we can talk more specifically about what lies ahead, okay? (Camera moves to show KAREN sitting on the examining table) KAREN: (nods) Okay DOCTOR: This your first time? KAREN: No, my, uh, second (DOCTOR nods as does KAREN and thinks about what lies ahead) [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living room] DAN is in front of his wall staring at it. He turns around and the camera moves out to show that the words "Murderer" are no longer written on the wall since they have been painted over. DAN, who has been holding a drink, takes a sip then looks at the coffee table and takes a gun that's lying there and holds it up and opens it too see where the bullets are it zooms to his hands as he closes the bullet carrier of the gun, what is suppose to look like DAN's hands, push the butt part of the gun up and the gun is placed on the table where there is a wine glass and a bottle of prescription pills with two of them out, the hands grab the wine glass and the pills and the camera moves up to show it is no longer DAN but DEB. She closes her eyes, teary and scared, and puts the pills in her mouth and drinks the wine then swallows) [DOCTOR's Office] DOCTOR walks in with a folder) DOCTOR: Well (smiles) You're definitely pregnant (The camera moves to show a shocked BROOKE turn to look at an equally shocked HALEY. HALEY grabs BROOKE'S hand and BROOKE holds her hand and puts her other on top of there hands) [Molina Bridge-Night] NATHAN is looking at the river the guard rail wood is all over the side of the bridge and there are booey's with "caution" crime tape around the bridge to warn people of the broken rail) LUCAS: (v.o) Tree Hill's just a place somewhere in the world ... (helicopter view of NATHAN) maybe it's a lot like your world (camera moves to the river) maybe it's nothing like it ... [The River Court-Basketball court-Night] SKILLS is playing basketball by himself) LUCAS: (v.o) ... But if you look closely you might see someone like you (SKILLS makes a shot then continues playing) someone trying to find there way ... (SKILLS throws the ball in the hoop once more) [GATINA Residence-RACHEL's Bedroom] (Brooke looks around) (She places her things on a bed) LUCAS: (v.o) ... Someone trying to find there place ... (BROOKE sits) [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom] (Close up of the laptop screen as he types "trying to find there self") LUCAS: (v.o) ... Someone trying to find there self (LUCAS looks at the screen, then the shot changes to the door where he is seen on the inside sitting on his bed, Indian style, typing) [PEYTON's Bedroom] PEYTON looking at herself on the computer screen, her web cam is on) LUCAS: (v.o) Sometimes it's easy to feel (grabs phone and ELLIE's note) like you're the only one in the world (dialing) who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied (puts phone on ear) or barley getting by (Telephone rings) DEREK's VOICE: Hello? (PEYTON hangs up the phone, scared, and puts the phone by her computer) (PEYTON stands up and walks over to her wall of albums) LUCAS: (v.o) But that feeling's a lie ... and if you just hold on (PEYTON closes her eyes for a moment) just find the courage to face it all for another day (looks through her albums) someone, or something will find you (looks at the door) and make it all okay (LUCAS walks into her room and sadly leans on her wall of records and looks at PEYTON) (PEYTON looks at LUCAS for a moment then walks up to him) LUCAS: (v.o) Because we all need a little help sometimes (PEYTON gives him a sad, weak smile) someone to help us (LUCAS holds his hands out to hug her) hear the music in the world (LUCAS sadly holds PEYTON and rubs on her back a bit. PEYTON hugs him and slightly smiles as she looks down then leans on his should as they continue to hold each other) LUCAS: (v.o) To remind us that it won't always be this way (LUCAS and PEYTON are seen hugging through the computer web cam and an IM pops up from "WATCHMEWATCHU" that reads "Welcome back") LUCAS: (v.o) That someone is out there ... (Camera zooms into the computer screen where PEYTON and LUCAS are seen hugging) LUCAS: (v.o) ... and that someone will find you (The screen dissolves into black)
Plan: A: the shocking accident; Q: What event caused the residents of Tree Hill to deal with the aftermath of? A: Cooper; Q: Who is still in a coma? A: Dan; Q: Who helps Karen when she is pregnant? A: his help; Q: What does Dan offer to Karen? A: Peyton's friendship; Q: What relationship between Lucas and Peyton continues to grow stronger? A: Brooke; Q: Who has a difficult decision to make about her relationship with Lucas? A: their differences; Q: What do Brooke and Rachel move past to become good friends? A: Skills; Q: Who decides to try out for the Ravens? A: the Ravens.[2; Q: What team does Skills decide to try out for? A: The Cure; Q: What band did the episode "Tree Hill" take its name from? Summary: The residents of Tree Hill must deal with the aftermath of the shocking accident. Nathan and Rachel are okay while Cooper still remains in a coma. In the midst of all the chaos, Dan extends his help to Karen now that she is pregnant. Lucas and Peyton's friendship continues to grow stronger. Previously rivals, Brooke and Rachel move past their differences and manage to become good friends. Brooke has a difficult decision to make about her relationship with Lucas. Skills decides to try out for the Ravens.[2] This episode is named after a song by The Cure .
[Scene: The Movie Set. They are shooting a shot that takes place in the bedroom, while Dawson and Todd are watching on from the Director's chair. Natasha, and some guy come into the bedroom, and sit on the bed and begin to kiss and make out.] Guy: hey... you sure about this? Natasha: As sure as about anything in my entire life. Guy: Groovy. [They begin to get making out even more. Natasha's shirt is coming up and his hands are sliding all over her body. When a man dressed up as the killer comes into the room and raises an axe above his head, and a monitor from above comes crashing down onto the floor next to him] Andrew: Cut! Todd: Excuse me, Andrew. Must be my trick ear. Did you just yell cut? Yelling cut is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise bleak existence. And I will not allow some hack stuntman to deny me the pleasure. You do not break character until I yell cut. Do you understand me? Good. [Andrew nods and walks off] That was fun. Sometimes I forget how much I like yelling at people. Dawson: You're a sick man, Todd Carr. Todd: Great. Now I'm not gonna make my day. This is what I get for shooting on a bloody haunted soundstage the day before bloody Halloween. Dawson: What do you mean haunted? Todd: You don't know? Dawson: What? Todd: About the bird who died here-- Melanie Ray? You've heard of Melanie Ray? Dawson: No. Todd: And you call yourself a film geek. Shame on you, leery. [Natasha comes over to them and stands behind Todd and begins giving Todd a massage. You can see the twinge of jealousy in Dawson's eyes.] Todd: You've heard of Melanie Ray, right, darling? Natasha: Of course. Todd: Melanie ray was the Jamie Lee Curtis of her day. The original scream queen. She was shooting this b-movie here in Boston. What was it called again? Natasha: Uh, kiss the girls and make them die. Todd: That's right. They shot it right here back in the fifties. And young Melanie was having an affair with her director. [Sighs] Where was I? Dawson: Ahem. Uh, affair with the director. Todd: Oh, right. Yeah. Anyway, it was all complicated by the fact that Melanie was married to her costar nick march. And when nick found out about the affair, he went frigging ballistic. They were doing this scene where the 2 characters had to get into a fight. He strangled her... to death. Dawson: That sucks. Todd: That's why they say her spirit still haunts the soundstage to this day. If you believe in that sort of thing. Man: They're ready for you, Natasha. [Natasha goes off and leaves them alone] Todd: What? Dawson: Nothing. Todd: What? Dawson: Is there something going on between the two of you? Todd: Leery, my boy, I learned a long time ago not to screw around with my leading ladies. That's what extras are for. But if I was gonna unlearn that particular lesson, the lovely Natasha would be the one to do it with. Right, while I still have my hair, people, energy up. Camera. Man2: Marker. Todd: And...action. [They begins shooting the scene over again, and Todd watches how jealous Dawson gets watching the guy making out with Natasha] [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The editing room. Dawson, Todd, and the editor are going through the dailies from their early shoot.] Man: [Tape] Hey... you sure about this? Natasha: [Tape] As sure as I've ever been about anything in my whole entire life. [Todd turns to Dawson who is watching the shot] Todd: Boy, eh, how's my party coming? Dawson: I'm pleased to announce the art department's turned stage 7 into a playground for the morally impaired. Todd: Oh, excellent. I love Halloween. My favorite holiday. Always has been. Dawson: Yeah. Mine, too. Actually I'm kinda famous for playing these elaborate pranks on my friends back home. Todd: Good for you, Gilligan. How's my costume coming? Dawson: Picking it up from wardrobe right after this. Todd: Am I gonna look like a stud? Dawson: Is there any doubt? Todd: But will it get me laid, Dawson? That is the question. Dawson: Tell you what. If you can't close the deal, I'll have a few extras lined up for you. Todd: See, that's what I like about you, leery. Always thinking ahead. Todd: [Tape] Camera. Action. Todd: Gentlemen, Natasha looks so hot in these dailies, I think I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave the room so I can be alone with myself. Do you know what I mean? [Notice Dawson not laughing] What's your problem? Dawson: Nothing. Todd: You're a bit territorial about the lovely Natasha, aren't you, Leery? Dawson: No. Todd: Good. Because you shouldn't be. You dumped her, remember? For the prissy one. Dawson: It's not that simple, Todd. Todd: Sure it was. Your puny little mind couldn't process the fact that you were shagging one of the hottest young starlets Hollywood has to offer, so you jacked it all in for another go at your prom date. Dawson: She wasn't my prom date. [Todd chuckles] Dawson: It was--it was junior prom. That doesn't count. Doesn't count. [An image that doesn't belong in the daily flashes across the screen] Editor: Hey, Todd, you should take a look at this. [He backs the tape up and goes frame by frame to the image, and they see an image of a woman in a trench coat and dark glasses, next to a sign that reads Melanie Ray Costume #3] Dawson: What is that? Todd: Is this a joke? Editor: This is what we got back from the lab. Todd: I don't believe this. Someone's screwing with me. Is this one of those practical jokes you claim to be famous for? Dawson: What are you talking about? Todd: Remember that little story I told you about yesterday? About the actress who died on stage 7? Dawson: Yeah. Todd: That's her. Dawson: What is she doing in our dailies? Todd: I have no idea. [Scene: Audrey and Joey's Dorm Room. Audrey is standing in front of the mirror finishing her Nancy costume. While Pacey is finishing getting dressed in the Bathroom. ] Audrey: Sid! Ooh, baby! You look awesome! But... Pacey: But what? Audrey: Well, don't shoot the messenger here, but if we're going for authenticity, leather pants would really do the trick. Pacey: Frankly, it's a miracle that I'm even going along with this whole Sid and Nancy thing. Audrey: Hey, you promised not to be cranky tonight. Pacey: Sorry. I'm just not really a costume party kind of guy. Audrey: Seem to love putting on that little monkey suit of yours every morning. Pacey: Easy. Audrey: All right. Sorry. Low blow. I have no desire to get into yet another tiff about our ever-widening ideological differences. I'll be ready in a second. Pacey: Ok. [She goes into the bathroom, and Pacey begins to walk around the room. He notices a paper on Audrey's dresser with a Grade of F on it. He quickly puts it down when Audrey comes out of the bathroom.] Audrey: You ready? What's wrong? Pacey: Nothing. Let's go. Audrey: Ok. Pacey: Yeah. [Scene: Emma's Apartment. Jen and Jack are in the living room, while Emma is off getting ready. Jen is pacing around the room, and Jack is sitting on the sofa. Jen is dressed like a dark angel, and Jack is dressed up as a vampire.] Jack: I'm telling you, just call the guy. Jen: I'm telling you, it's too late. The miniscule window of opportunity that once was has officially closed. Jack: Yeah, but you like the guy. I can tell. Emma: Which guy is this? Jack: C.J. Strapping young lad. Emma: I see. Jen: I think that maybe the thing to do here, jack, is to just crush from afar. That way there are no broken hearts, there are no dashed dreams, there are no morning-after pills to contend with. Emma: The girl's got a point. Jack: No, she doesn't. She's just afraid this guy is too good for her. Dial. [He throws the phone to her] And she's wrong about that. Jen: Uh, no. He's probably working right now, doing good for others and whatnot, which is annoying, but undeniably charming. Jack: Dial. Jen: What? I don't know his number. Call the help line. Jen: No. Doesn't that seem wrong? Jack: Just do it. Arrr! [Fake bites the air] [Jen dials the phone and calls the Help Line and C.J. answers the phone.] C.J.: Help line. Happy Halloween. Jen: Um, hi. Is C.J. There? C.J.: Speaking. Jen: Oh. Hi. Uh, this is Jen. Lindley. Do you-- do you remember me? C.J.: Hello, Jen Lindley. What can I do for you? Jen: Well, I was just wondering what you were doing tonight. Um, but you're working, aren't you? C.J.: Uh, yeah, for just, like, another hour. I'm filling in for somebody who's running late. Jen: Oh, well--I mean, do you have plans after that or— C.J.: well, if... going back to my room and watching Halloween h20 on cable qualifies as plans, then yeah. I'm all booked up. Jen: Oh...well, do you have any interest in coming to a party? C.J.: With you? Alone? Jen: Well, no. I mean, I'll be there, but my friends are coming, too. [Jack starts to try to get he to answer alone] C.J.: Hmm, I don't know about that. Wait a second, did you just call the help line to invite me to a party? Jen: Yeah. Is that wrong? C.J.: What's the address? [Jack and Jen give each other high fives silently.] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Eddie is working behind the bar, when Joey comes walking up and takes a seat at it in front of Eddie] Joey: Good news. Eddie: What? Joey: You can come back to class. Eddie: What are you talking about? Joey: I talked Heston into letting you come back. Eddie: You talked to Heston about me? Joey: Yeah. Eddie: Uh-huh. Joey: Which was clearly a mistake. My bad. Eddie: Whoever said I wanted to come back to class? Joey: You seemed to go through a lot of trouble to attend so I just--I thought it might've meant something to you, but again, sorry. [Joey turns to walks away from the bar, and runs into a girl who is walking rather quickly through the bar. The girl is maybe 12 years old] Harley: Uhh! Could you maybe watch where you're going? Joey: How old are you? Harley: That'd be none of your business. Just tell me where can I find some girl with the unfortunate name of Joey. [Professor Heston comes walking up to them.] Heston: Oh, I see you two have already met. Joey: This is your daughter? Heston: Meet my daughter Harley. Harley, this is Joey potter. Harley: Ugg, hi. [Harley goes walking off to the Jukebox] Heston: What? Joey: I thought she was 5. Heston: Whatever gave you that idea? Joey: The picture on your desk. Heston: Well, she was 5 when that picture was taken. Joey: That's false advertising. [Harley returns to join them] Heston: Aw, jeez, would you look at the time? I'll pick the little angel up at 11:00. Have fun. And--well, thanks again, Joey. Bye, sweetie. Harley: Dad! I'm gonna give you one more chance here not to bail on me. [Sighs] Sweetie, I'm not bailing on you. Harley: No. You're foregoing tradition, our tradition. To go out with some skank. Heston: A--she's not a bad kind of skank, and b--we'll go to the movies tomorrow night. Harley: It's not the same! We go to the movies on Halloween. We go see some scary old movie at the crest. It's what we do. Heston: Harley, you gotta give me a break here. I'll make it up to you, I promise, ok? [Professor Heston leaves them alone, and Joey looks at Harley knowing what she is going through.] Harley: What are you looking at? [Harley storms off back to the juke box] [Scene: The movie Set. Dawson is walking through the stage that has been set up for the party, and Dawson is dressed up like a Man In Black. He walks across the stage when he hears something.] Voice: Dawson. [He sees the blur of someone in a long black trench coast walk around a corner. He quickly goes after it but finds that there is no one there. He looks around, then walks off dismissing that he saw anything at all.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The film set. IT is later at night, and the party has kicked off full swing. The band is playing, and there are tons of people dancing and partying in the stage set up for a Halloween bash. Todd is dressed up like a priest and is standing with two twins and he is heavily hitting on them when Dawson comes over to him.] Dawson: Todd! Can I talk to you for a second? Todd: I'm busy. Dawson: Todd, I'm serious. I really need to talk to you. Todd: Would you 2 beautiful ladies excuse me, please? Just for a minute. [The two ladies walks off.] Todd: All right, you better be dying. Dawson: I saw her. Todd: Who? Dawson: Her. Melanie Ray. Todd: You're screwing with me. Dawson: I'm not. I saw her. Todd: Where? Dawson: In here, on stage. Todd: Well, you like. You probably saw someone dressed up like her. It's a frigging costume party, leery. Dawson: This was hours ago, before anybody even got there. Todd: Come on, mate. Your mind's playing tricks on you. Take the night off. Have a little fun. Knock back some bye-bye-pain juice. Saddle up with a couple of birds. [Natasha comes walking towards them dressed up like a naughty school girl] God save the queen. [Natasha joins them and stands next to Todd and takes his arm in hers.] Natasha: Hello, boys. Dawson: Hi. Todd: You wanna dance, darling? Natasha: Love to. Yeah. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Eddie is cleaning up a table as a smitten Harley is hanging around him.] Harley: Do you have a girlfriend, Eddie? Eddie: I most certainly do not. Harley: Oh, well, how come? Eddie: Well, I've found that girlfriends are generally more trouble than they're worth. Harley: Well, that seems like a total waste, if you ask me. Eddie: How old are you? Harley: I've found that age is but a number, Eddie. [Joey comes over to join them] Joey: All right, you two, break it up. You ready to have some fun, Harley? Harley: And where is this fun you speak of? Joey: Well, I was going to take you trick or treating, but that was when I thought you were 5. So I was thinking we could go to the movies or something. I heard you say something to your dad about wanting to see— Harley: That sounds lame. I want to stay here. Joey: Well, I'm supposed to be taking care of you, and I don't think your dad would want you hanging out in some college bar all night. Harley: Trust me. He wouldn't care. Joey: Ok, look, you're talking to somebody who could host a daytime talk show on deadbeat dads, so let's not go there. Come on, let's have some fun. Harley: No , you're not gonna make me go anywhere I don't wanna go. I'm gonna stay right here until my father gets back. Eddie: Hey, you know, I read about this haunted house in the paper today. It's supposed to be pretty scary. Harley: I love haunted houses. Eddie: Yeah, maybe you guys could do something like that. Harley: Well, I'll go if you go. Joey: Eddie's working. Eddie: Off in 5, actually. Joey: Well, I'm sure he has plans. Eddie: Not particularly, no. Joey: Well, then, by all means, please join us. Harley: Cool. Eddie: Cool. [Harley goes walking of] Joey: You didn't have to do that. I was handling it. Eddie: Yeah. You were doing just swell. It sucks when people butt into your business, don't it? [Scene: The Film Set Party. Jack and Jen are standing together waiting for C.J to arrive. Jack is looking off into the distance when Jen is looking behind him.] Jack: Jen, did you tell C.J. It was a costume party? Jen: Yeah. Yeah, I think so. God, I hope so. Why? Jack: Ahem. Check it out. [CJ and a friends come walking up neither of them in costume.] C.J.: You could have told me it was a costume party. Jen: Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. David: I feel like such a dork. Jen: And you are? C.J.: Sorry. This is David. Jen: Hi, I'm Jen. David: Hi. Jen: This is jack. Jack: Hey, David. David: Hey. C.J.: So, we're gonna go grab some refreshments. You guys need anything? Jack: Cool. Jen: Fine. [CJ and David walk off.] Jen: Oh, my god! I am like flypaper for the homosexual community. Jack: Yeah. What? Jen: He's obviously gay. I should've known. Jack: Who--C.J.? Jen: It figures. I invite a boy to a party, and he brings his boyfriend. Jack: What makes you so sure they're a couple? Jen: Whatever. Even if he's straight, I can't take this C.J. Anymore. He's way too standoffish. When I make my intentions clear, I want them to be acknowledged and reciprocated. In that order. Jack: I hear ya. I hear ya. All right. We're gonna delve a little deeper into this, ok? I'm gonna take C.J., And you're gonna take the "alleged" homosexual, and we're gonna meet back here in a little bit. Jen: Deal. Jack: Break! Jen: Break. [Scene: The Haunted House. Joey, Eddie and Harley are walking through a pretty lame haunted house. They walk through a room, when a man dressed up as a mummy comes and puts his hand on Joey's Shoulder] Joey: Aah! Harley: Oh, my god. You're so retarded. Joey: Who asked you, you little twerp? [Harley goes walking off away from Eddie and Joey] Eddie: Hey, go easy on the poor kid. Ok? She's got problems. Joey: And what do you know about that? Eddie: Come on, it's obvious the girl has some issues with her father. Joey: Don't we all? Hey, uh, look, I'm sorry about butting into your life and all that. I saw an opportunity to help, and I went for it. It's just that you're really smart. You're a lot smarter than anybody else in that class. And it just makes me sad to see all of that potential just going to waste. Eddie: What potential? What--what waste? Look, I like to read books. Big deal. What, my life would be so much better if I went to college? And, uh... Joey: what? Eddie: I don't need your pity. And I don't need to be some rich kid's charity case. Joey: You think I'm a rich kid? Wow. Eddie: What? Joey: It's just funny... how little you actually know about me. Eddie: You know what's even funnier? All of this could've been so easily avoided. I mean, I wasn't even gonna come back to Heston's class. I mean, he's too cynical, he's too impressed with himself. Joey: So, why did you come back? Eddie: You. You, uh, you got under my skin. I found myself having these series of annoying conversations with you in my head, which must be a sign of something, so I kept coming back for more, which ultimately proved to be my undoing. [Someone walks up behind Joey in costume and puts their hand on her shoulder, and she jumps into Eddie's arms and he hugs her to his chest to protect her.] Joey: Aah! Eddie: Man, you're such a scaredy cat. Joey: That's what they tell me. Could you let me go now? Eddie: You know what? I don't think so. [He bends down and kisses her, and they kiss for a moment, before Joey stops.] Joey: Oh, crap. Eddie: What? Joey: Harley. [Scene: The film set party. Pacey and Audrey come walking into the party. And Audrey is looking to have fun, and Pacey seems a little out of place.] Audrey: Wow! I've died and gone to hell! Hail, Satan! Pacey: All of a sudden, I feel very old. Audrey: Oh, Pacey, come dance with me. Dance? Pacey: Where? Audrey: Over there. Pacey: That's not dancing. That's cavorting. Audrey: Oh, when did you become such a dull normal? Pacey: About the same time you started failing tests. Audrey: What's that supposed to mean? Pacey: What? Come on, what's with the "f," Audrey? Audrey: It's a letter grade, Pacey. It's typically given when a student fails to meet the requirements of an assignment. Pacey: Thanks, wise ass. I'm just asking if everything's ok. Audrey: I got it totally under control, baby. Pacey: Yeah, 'cause you know in my experience, there's never just one "F." Those things tend to come in bunches. Audrey: You know what? I have a really good idea. Let's not talk about this. Pacey: Ok, fine. I'm just letting you know I'm worried. That's all. Audrey: You know what? It really doesn't seem like you are. It seems like you're too busy running around like Glengarry Glen loser to be worried about much of anything these days. Pacey: That's nice of you. Take a swing at me. Because I gotta work for a living. That's great. Audrey: I don't mind that you have to work for a living, Pacey. I'm just saying don't lose yourself in it. That's all. Pacey: Why are we bickering about this? I just wanna know what's going on with you. Audrey: Ok. You wanna know what's going on with me? Here goes. I haven't really been going to class much this semester, Pacey. Why is that? You might ask. Because I've been kinda depressed. Yeah, you see, I have this boyfriend, and I thought everything was going great, but apparently it's not. Apparently, he cares about his job more than he cares about me, and I know he would probably say that wasn't true and that I'm just being some hysterical drama queen, but I suppose if it wasn't true, he'd pretty much know everything that was going on in my life, wouldn't he, Pacey? [Emma comes walking up to them] Emma: Hey, guys. Love the costumes. [Scene: The film set party. Dawson is talking with a lady at the party. She is majorly hitting on him and he is oblivious to the fact.] Dawson: No, I'm not the director. I'm the director's assistant. Lady: Really? That's awesome! Dawson: Yeah. [Dawson looks up to the catwalk along the top of the sets, and he sees the woman dressed in the black trench coat and stares at her as she stares down at him. He can not see much of her face cause it is hidden behind a large pair of dark glasses] Lady: Are you ok? Dawson: Can you excuse me for a sec? [He runs over to the stairs that lead up to the catwalks. And quickly runs up them trying to catch up with the woman he saw. He is always several steps behind her. Every time he gets to the point he last saw her she is else where. Eventually he loses her all together, and he looks down onto the party and sees Natasha and Todd talking. Natasha takes Todd's hand and leads him off to the bedroom set. They sit down on the bed together and start kissing, and Dawson sees this and we can see the jealous eyes light up again. We cut to the toe door of the bedroom set. Dawson comes quickly up to it, and grabs the door handle, but stops, then he thinks second about it and opens the door. He goes into the room to see Todd and Natasha sitting on the bed talking while there are about half a dozen other people partying in the room with them.] Todd: Right. [Laughs] Natasha: I was thinking about near the end. Well, so... [They turn to see Dawson] What's wrong, Dawson? Dawson: Nothing. Uh, I was just, uh, looking for somebody. [HE goes to walk out of the room, stops for a second to wonder if what he saw actually happened, then he leaves the room. As he walks away his cell phone rings.] [Cell phone rings] Dawson: Hello. [Scene: The editing room. Dawson comes into the room and the editor is queuing up another shot, and stops it at a point] Editor: I was getting ready to leave for the party when a new batch of dailies came in. I go to digitize them, and this is what showed up. [He starts the shot back up and we see the ghost woman on screen. This time it is the scene that Todd was talking about earlier, where wee see the woman actually get strangled to death. And we see the people working that set run out and grab the actor and pull him away from her and then that is all.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The film set. Dawson is on the outskirts of the party when he sees Natasha walking towards him.] Natasha: Hey. Dawson: Hey. You--you look amazing. I'm sure you've probably heard that, like, 1,000 times. Natasha: Yeah, I've gotten a couple marriage proposals and one guy said he'd sign over his car if I slept with him, but... thanks, it never gets old. Dawson: Can I ask you something? Natasha: If you must. Dawson: This Melanie Ray-- why did she start having an affair with the director? Natasha: Who knows? Maybe she fell in love with him or maybe she just wanted someone to pay attention to her. Dawson: But she had someone to pay attention to her. She was married. Natasha: Yeah, well, not all relationships are perfect, Dawson. They don't all last forever. Maybe he had a shot. Maybe he blew it. Dawson: Maybe she just didn't give him enough of a chance. Natasha: If you're asking if there's something going on between me and Todd, the answer is "none of your business." Dawson: That's not what I'm asking. Natasha: Oh, please. You are not so good with the subtext, baby. And you have no right to be jealous. Dawson: Jealous? I'M... who said I was jealous? Natasha: Uh-huh. You just keep telling yourself that, sweetie. [Scene: Outside the Haunted House. Joey is walking down the street looking for Harley when Eddie comes running up to her.] Eddie: Hey, wait up. Wait up. Joey: Look, I don't think you fully comprehend the dire here, ok? I lost an entire human being. A totally annoying human being, yes, but I was responsible for her. You know, everything was going just fine until you had to go and kiss me. Eddie: Oh, so now it's my fault. Joey: Yes, it is your fault. I'll accept your apology and we can move on. Eddie: Hey, if you want to get technical about it, you kissed me first, which would make it your fault. Joey: Shut up and make yourself useful. Now, if you were a bratty teenage girl, where would you disappear off to? Eddie: Oh, listen, if I was a teenage girl, bratty or otherwise, I would never leave the house. I'd be too busy checking myself out. Joey: Classy. And I'll thank you for that image. Eddie: And you know, if you really want to get technical, it's Heston's fault. He's the one who bailed on her. He was the one who was supposed to take her to the movies. Joey: Eddie Dolan, you are a genius! [She hugs him] Come on! [Scene: The film set party. Audrey walks through an empty Grave yard set, and notices a coffin that is stood up and has a padded back. She plops back into the leaning coffin and relaxes in it. She notices Pacey walking onto the set, and quietly closes the coffin lid and Pacey does not even notice. He simple walks up next to it and takes a seat on a tombstone near it. Emma comes walking by the set and sees Pacey sitting all alone there.] Emma: Hello. Pacey: Hi. Emma: Is everything ok? Pacey: Oh, yeah, yeah. If your definition of "ok" is having the strong desire to draw a warm bath and slit your wrists, then I am peachy. Emma: Ahh. You and the old lady having some troubles? Pacey: You might say that. Emma: Uh-oh. Do you need to have a bit of a chat? Pacey: That's not really our thing, now is it? Emma: No, but we are flatmates, and I suppose that entitles you to something. Pacey: Ok. I used to think that Audrey and I were the perfect fit. And we were, 'cause for the first time in any of my relationships, we were on equal footing. There was no mind games, no high drama, no angst. It was just fun. Emma: Sounds good... in theory. It's a bit difficult to sustain that sort of thing. Pacey: That's what I'm finding out. Emma: Yeah. Pacey: And it's making me second-guess myself. 'Cause I'm not really sure if the reason I'm checking out is because I just can't handle the rough spots or if it's... because I just don't love her anymore. Hmm. Or really, for that matter, if I ever truly loved her. Emma: [Inhales] Yeah. I'm afraid only you can answer that one. Pacey: And to be perfectly honest, I don't really want to find out tonight. So what do you say you and I go and rejoin the party, huh? Emma: Ok. Pacey: Thanks for listening, though. Emma: It's ok. But, you know, just 'cause we had one proper conversation, don't think you can cry on my shoulder any time you like. [They walk off, and after a few seconds Audrey opens the coffin lid and has a depressed look on her face after hearing it all] [Scene: the film set party. Elsewhere at the party. Jen and David are sitting in some made up chairs talking together and drinking some punch] Jen: So... David: Yes? Jen: How long have you been together? David: Uh, what do you mean "together"? Jen: Or, I mean, how--like, how long have you known each other? David: Oh. Uh, about a year. We met at the stand. Jen: Ohhh. So you're one of those. David: Yup. Just another screwed-up gay kid trying to remake the world in his image. You should come by sometime. Jen: No. No thanks. C.J. Already gave me the hard sell. David: So you're the Jen he's always talking about. Jen: He talks about me? David: All the time. He wants you so bad. Jen: Really? David: Yeah. He thinks you'd make a great counselor. Jen: Oh! For a second-- for a second I thought that-- that you meant that he "wanted" me. But of course not. He's--he's gay. Why would he want me that way? David: Who--C.J.? Jen: Yeah. David: C.J.'S not gay. Jen: He's not? David: No. Not at all. [Scene: the party. In another area, Jack and CJ are talking together, while drinking their punch.] Jack: Sorry. C.J.: I'm not offended, I'm just not gay. David's gay. Me, not so much. Jack: Well, I know somebody who will be very glad to hear that. C.J.: Who? A little dense. Jack: Uh, Jen. Cute little blonde traveling companion, called the help line to invite you to this shindig. C.J.: Oh, that's nice to hear. Jack: And you're not very interested, are you? C.J.: Truth is, I'm not. I mean, I think she's really cool and everything, I think she'd be a real benefit to the stand, it's just...that's not what I'm looking for right now. Jack: But if you were looking for that right now...? C.J.: She's not my type. [Scene: The movie theater. Eddie is directing a guy in a costume, how to get to the Haunted House, when Joey comes walking out of the Theater with Harley.] Eddie: Haunted house is down one block, make a right and just keep following your nose. Know what I'm saying? It's great. Harley: Child abuse. Child abuse. Not so rough! Hi, Eddie. Eddie: You gave us quite a scare tonight, young lady. Joey: Oh, don't be cute with her. She doesn't deserve cute. Harley: Don't worry, Joey. The night's almost over. You'll be rid of me soon enough. Then you can go back to your miserable little existence. Joey: Would you mind giving us a second? Eddie: Yeah. [Eddie walks away from them] Joey: Um...[Clears throat] Listen, I know that you're pissed at your dad for flaking on you, but it doesn't mean he's a bad dad and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. Harley: No, it just means he's a dick. Joey: Harley— Harley: Do you even like him? Sometimes I don't see how anyone could ever like him. He's very abrasive. Joey: True, but he's also very... Harley: Every time I'm supposed to come see him I trick myself into thinking that it's gonna be different this time. But it never is. It's always just different shades of the same. [Joey understands as Harley walks off to join Eddie] [Scene: The film set party. Dawson is walking around the party, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees the ghost woman again. He tries to catch up with her, but he is cut off by a group of partiers cutting across his path. He tries to follow her, and notices her go into the Bedroom set. He slowly walks up to the door and opens it up to see Todd and Natasha lying together fully clothed on the bed.] Todd: Leery! Uh...this isn't what it looks like? Dawson: Really. You guys aren't screwing behind my back? Todd: No, we are. But look at her, do you know what I mean? She's very persuasive. Dawson: Shut up. Todd: You can't tell me to shut up. Dawson: What are you gonna do, fire me? You tried that before. It doesn't take. Listen, Natasha, I'm-- I'm really sorry that I hurt you. I mean, that was the last thing that I wanted to have happen, believe me. I got involved in the middle of an incredibly complicated situation, and I made a choice without thinking and it was the wrong choice, which is what I don't think I've really been able to... communicate to you, which is I--I like you. I keep on saying that I'm not jealous, but I--I am. I'm very jealous. This is-- the thought of some other guy touching you, especially him-- I mean, he's... Todd. Todd: Leery, I'm not adverse to giving this whole firing thing another go, you know. Dawson: Too late. I quit. I... good luck with the rest of the movie. I'm outta here. [He storms off, leaving them all alone.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The film set party. Dawson is getting ready leave the party, when he stops and turns around. While looking around he looks up and sees the ghost lady on the catwalk again. He quickly runs up after her as she walks away from him. He makes it up to the cat walk, but this time the ghost lady walks towards him. As she walks towards him she pulls off her wig and glasses and we see that it is Natasha. Then from behind her comes Todd filming Dawson with a hand camera. ] Todd: [Laughs] Leery, this is bloody gold, mate! Dawson: What the— Natasha: Happy Halloween, Dawson. We've had the immense pleasure of screwing with your mind this evening. Dawson: [Exhales] Wait. So you two aren't even— Natasha: No way. Too old, too many extras. Todd: Yeah, I'm not too into my assistant's sloppy seconds, either. Natasha: Watch it. Dawson: What about the footage? Todd: The magic of movie-making, mate. Dawson: Wasn't that a lot to go through just to get a laugh at my expense? Todd: No. Worth every second. Right. I'm gonna go get Danny boy to edit this together. Natasha: Ooh, I wanna see. Todd: Come on, then. Um... you weren't serious about the whole quitting thing, right? 'Cause I sort of need some help with my shot lists tonight. You up for it? You're a scholar. [Dawson just laughs to himself as they go off.] [Scene: The film set party. Jen and CJ are standing outside talking to each other, after a moment to finally get alone.] Jen: We didn't really get much of a chance to talk tonight. C.J.: Well, you could always call the help line again. Jen: You know, I was actually thinking about reconsidering the stand. I feel like maybe I was just too judgmental the first time around. C.J.: Well, we'd love to have you. Just, you know, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Jen: Are there any other reasons? C.J.: I don't know. Jen: You know, you could save me a lot of trouble by just going out with me. [Cut to Jack and David standing a ways away from them, just watching them] Jack: This is making me sad. David: Why? Jack: Well, he's not into her, and I'm the one who told her to call him. David: Trust me, she's better off. Jack: What do you mean? David: Uh...it's a long story. Jack: Want to tell me about it sometime over coffee? David: Coffee? Jack: Hot caffeinated beverage. It's all the rage these days. Seems to be an excuse for people to get together and find out if they like one another. David: Yeah, I think I'd be up for something like that. Jack: Cool. [Jen and CJ come walking up to Jack and David] C.J.: You ready? David: Yeah. Well, it was nice meeting you. Jen: Likewise. C.J: Jack. Jack: C.J. David: And I guess I'll talk to you soon. Jack: Dave, definitely. David: Ok. Jack: Bye. Jen: Bye. [CJ and David leave] Jack: How'd that go? Jen: Well, he's playing a little hard to get, which is somewhat disconcerting, but no worries. He'll be mine. Jack: [Sighs] Come on. Let's get out of here. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey and Harley are playing a game of pool, when Professor Heston finally comes in] Heston: Hi, sweetheart. Harley: Hey, dad. How was the date? Heston: Went great. Right up to the moment when she said I had a toxic personality. Is that bad? How'd everything go here? Harley: Great. She was a perfect angel. Heston: Cool. You ready? Harley: Gimme a second, dad. [Profess Heston walks away from them] Harley: Sorry I was such an uber-bitch. Joey: We all have our moments. You know what? Don't stop hoping that things will be different with him. You're way too young to be so bitter. Harley: Can I give you some advice? Joey: Sure. Harley: Eddie totally likes you. I hope a guy like him looks at me that way someday. Don't mess it up. Joey: Ok. [Harley and Heston leave. Eddie comes walking up to Joey a few seconds later] Eddie: [Clears throat] One root beer float. Where is she? Joey: Gone. Heston just picked her up. Eddie: Wanna split this? Shame to see it go to waste, like my potential. Joey: Shut up. [They take a seat at one of the counters, and begin sharing the float, with 2 long spoons] Joey: Can I ask you a question? Eddie: If you must. Joey: What's going on with us? Eddie: What do you mean? Joey: I mean...I kiss you, you kiss me. In some states that could be construed as dating. Eddie: We're not dating. Joey: Oh, god, no. Eddie: And I'm not going back to Heston's class. Joey: That's fine. Eddie: Is it? Joey: Absolutely. You are who you are, Eddie. I have no desire to change that. Eddie: You know what, Joey? I don't know what's going on with us... but I kind of like it that way. Joey: Me, too. [Scene: Outside the File Set. Pacey comes out, happy to finally find Audrey who is sitting on the hood of his car.] Pacey: Hey. There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you. Is everything ok? Audrey: I think we should break up, Pacey. Pacey: [Chuckles] What? [He sees she is serious] Let's just go home and sleep on it. We can talk about it in the morning. Audrey: No. This is what I want. Pacey: This is not the way I wanted for this to happen. Audrey: Shut up, Pacey! Just shut up, ok? You are getting off easy here and you know it. I'm not gonna let you put up some false protest so that you can feel better about yourself. I am ending it now. [There is a long pause where neither of them say anything] That's how I know that it's over. You didn't say a word, Pacey, not a word. 'Cause you don't have the energy to fight it and... I deserve better than that. Pacey: You're right. You do. You deserve way better than that. Audrey: Go ahead, Pacey. Why don't you follow the script? You know, say all of the things that you're supposed to say to me. You got anything else? How many empty words is it gonna take for you to be able to sleep easy tonight? Pacey: What do you want from me, Audrey? You know that's not how it is, but the negativity gets to me, too, ok? So I agree with you. Audrey: Don't you dare try to make yourself feel noble, Pacey. You are not some knight in shining armor. You're just a guy who's grown tired of screwing the same girl and you feel guilty about it. You think that sucks? Why don't you-- why don't you try being the one who has to wonder why all the people that she loves don't love her back. Pacey: Oh, Audrey, come on. [She slaps him] Pacey: Ohh. Audrey: [Sobbing] [Scene: The film set. The party is now over, and Dawson is sitting in the bedroom set thinking about this entire day. He gets up and goes to leave the room, and finds Natasha on the other side of the door when he opens it.] Natasha: Still mad at me? Dawson: I was never mad at you. I was— Natasha: Insanely jealous? Dawson: [Sighs] I don't think I realized how much I actually wanted to be with you until I thought you were sleeping with Todd. Natasha: Say it again. Dawson: What, that I was jealous? Natasha: No. That you like me. Dawson: I like you, Natasha. I really like you. Natasha: Good, because... I like you, too. I lot of people walk in and out of my life, Dawson, and... you might not believe what I'm about to say, because I'm an actor and I lie for a living, but... you're one of the only people I ever really wanted to stick around. Dawson: I don't know what to believe... but I love my life. I... wake up most mornings pinching myself that I get to take even a small part in all of this. But... I can't help but feel like it's all an illusion. You know? I mean, it's like it's all just one moment away from disappearing forever. Natasha: That's because it is. For all I know, this could be my last job. So I'm going to enjoy the experience while it lasts, hug everybody now, because they might not be here tomorrow, and take the experience with me. And if meeting you is all I get out of this one, well, it might just be enough for me. Dawson: God, I missed you. Natasha: I always wanted you back, you know. You just had to pay for your sins. Dawson: Are we even now? Natasha: Just about. [She pushes him down on the bed and begins kissing him] Dawson: Wait, are you... sure about this? Natasha: As sure as I've ever been about anything in my entire life. Dawson: Groovy. [They begin making out, when a man dressed in the killers outfit comes in and raises an axe above his head and swings it down at them, and cut to black]
Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who believes he is seeing the ghost of a legendary film actress? A: a blow-out Halloween party; Q: What does Todd want Dawson to help him throw? A: Jen; Q: Who becomes suspicious of C.J.? A: Joey; Q: Who is stuck taking Professor Heston's daughter to a haunted house? Summary: When Dawson assists Todd in throwing a blow-out Halloween party, Todd and Natasha have Dawson believing he is seeing the ghost of a legendary film actress. Jen becomes suspicious about C.J., and Joey gets stuck taking Professor Heston's daughter to a haunted house with Eddie.
LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is sitting on the couch, she has called Emily, who is at home] EMILY: Hello? Gilmore residence. LORELAI: Hey, mom, it's me. I just wanted to leave you a message letting you know that unfortunately I will not be able to come by tonight to take a look at your new curtains. EMILY: Lorelai, it's me. LORELAI: So, sorry I missed you, but... EMILY: You didn't miss me. For heaven's sakes, I'm right here. LORELAI: Hello? EMILY: Hello? Lorelai? LORELAI: Hello? EMILY: Hello? LORELAI: Huh. That's weird. I don't know if your machine just cut me off. EMILY: [Shaking the cordless phone] Is something wrong with this phone? LORELAI: Anyway, uh, something came up, and I just have to take a rain check on the curtain check. I'm sure they're beautiful. No one knows how to pick out curtains like you. You're the curtain queen. [Meanwhile Emily was also talking "Rain check, Lorelai I'm right here, I'm on the phone, Lorelai"] EMILY: Hello? Lorelai, can you hear me? LORELAI: Anyway, have a good night, curtain queen. Give my best to dad. Bye. EMILY: Lorelai? Hello? Hello? LORELAI: [Too Chris as he puts his arm around her] See? I told you it would work. CHRISTOPHER: Wow. How did you even think to... LORELAI: Well, it's natural instincts honed by years of experience. CHRISTOPHER: Wow. LORELAI: Yeah. Fight or flight, you know. Fight or flight and I just did my nails, so... CHRISTOPHER & LORELAI: Flight. [They Kiss] CHRISTOPHER: Wow. [The phone ring and Lorelai tosses it aside on the couch.] OPENING CREDITS LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Lorelai is at the table listening to a French lesions on audio tape] MAN ON TAPE: Ou est la station de métro le plus proche? [French accent] "Where is the nearest subway station?" LORELAI: Yeah. MAN ON TAPE: Ou est-ce que je peux acheter un billet? [French accent] "Where can I buy a ticket?" [Lorelai turns off the tape quickly as Chris enters] CHRISTOPHER: The hunter and gatherer has returned. LORELAI: Hey. Listen to how good I've gotten. MAN ON TAPE: Pouvez-vous me donner un plan de métro, s'il vous plat? [French accent] "Could I have a map of the subway, please?" LORELAI: [French accent] Could I have a map of the subway, please? CHRISTOPHER: Impressive. LORELAI: [Normal voice] Right? I'm practically fluent. [French accent] Thank you for the coffee and croissant. CHRISTOPHER: De rien. "You're welcome." LORELAI: [Chuckles] Duh. CHRISTOPHER: I thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine, so I got croissants and café au lait. LORELAI: I thought café au lait was Spanish. CHRISTOPHER: No, it's French for "coffee and milk." "Lait" is "milk." LORELAI: Really, I thought it was "café olé," like, "coffee! All right!" CHRISTOPHER: You're kidding. You're not kidding. You are. You're kidding. I can't tell whether you're kidding. LORELAI: I'm a woman of mystery. CHRISTOPHER: You might want to try repeating those words in French. LORELAI: No... CHRISTOPHER: We leave for Paris in two weeks. LORELAI: Yes but I don't have to actually speak French. I just have to sound French. That way if the Parisians find me just another uncouth American, I can tell them my sad story. [French accent] "I was born in Marseille, "and my parents were killed in a trs tragique accident. "And so I was sent to the states "and adopted by the evil Gilmore's, "who refused to let me speak French, but I never forgot the accent of my mother country." CHRISTOPHER: That's a complicated back story. LORELAI: [Normal voice] I've led a complicated life. CHRISTOPHER: Somebody gets a lot of mail. LORELAI: Yeah, well, I'm a popular gal. Also, my system is, I only open my mail once a month. CHRISTOPHER: Your system is to open your mail once a month? LORELAI: 12 times a year, you know, because if you open your mail more than that, you get a lot of mattress fliers and bills and another bill. This way, I open it once a month, and I get letters from people who still write letters and shampoo samples and fun stuff. It's fun. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, what's this? LORELAI: Um, something from Yale? CHRISTOPHER: About the parents' weekend. We should go. LORELAI: Nah. CHRISTOPHER: Why no? LORELAI: I'm sure it already happened. CHRISTOPHER: No, it's happening this weekend. Come on. Could be fun. LORELAI: I got to wash my hair. [Holds up the free shampoo sample] CHRISTOPHER: Why don't you want to go? LORELAI: Because, my hair. CHRISTOPHER: Looks great when it's dirty. The oil gives it a kind of sheen a gloss. LORELAI: Parents' weekend is for lame-o parents whose kids hate them, so they need a school-sanctioned event so they all spend time together. CHRISTOPHER: [Reading the flyer] A professor of geology is giving a tour of the Peabody museum. LORELAI: My kid likes me. I can go to Yale any time I want. 51 weekends of the year is my parents' weekend. CHRISTOPHER: "The Gemstones of Yale." How cool does that sound? LORELAI: On a scale of 1 to 2? Listen, parents' weekend is not an accurate portrait of the school, anyway. They make special food. They gussy the place up. They plant kids under trees reading Tolstoy, so it all looks very collegiate and idyllic. CHRISTOPHER: There's a brunch at Branford with the provost. LORELAI: I've always loved the word "provost." Although I have no idea what a provost is, it just sounds so... CHRISTOPHER: Idyllic and collegiate? LORELAI: Yes or something from a deli counter. "Extra provost on that, please." Do you really want to go? CHRISTOPHER: It's parents' weekend, we're Rory's parents, and we're together, and why not? Come on, I'll help you shampoo your hair the night before. LORELAI: All right. But I have to work on Sunday, so we'll have to go Saturday, and you'll have to give me a nice head massage when you wash my hair. With shampoo samples. And blow it out. CHRISTOPHER: Done. LORELAI: And braid it. CHRISTOPHER: I'll French-braid it. [Telephone rings] LORELAI: Ooh la la. Hello? RORY: Mom? [Who is walking at Yale] LORELAI: Bonjour, Rory. RORY: Well, if it isn't the orphan from Marseille. LORELAI: C'est moi. What are you doing? RORY: Heading to class. LORELAI: Class? RORY: Yes, class, where they teach you all the college learnin'. LORELAI: You're a senior. I thought no seniors went to class before noon. Nerd alert! Nerd alert! RORY: Says the woman saying "nerd alert!" LORELAI: Hey guess who's coming to parents' weekend. RORY: Bunch of lame parents whose kids hate 'em. LORELAI: Yes, and your parents. RORY: No way. LORELAI: I got to keep you on your toes. When you think I'll zig, I'll zag. Then when you think I'm gonna zag, I do zag, just to mess you up for the next time, when I might zig. RORY: Dad's making you zag? LORELAI: He's dying to meet the provost. RORY: Well, who isn't? CHRISTOPHER: [Taking the phone] It's your mom who's all about the provost. I just wanted to see you and check it out. And I wouldn't mind seeing the gemstones of Yale. [Lorelai makes a funny face] RORY: The huh? CHRISTOPHER: The gemstones, the Yale gemstones. RORY: Oh, right. CHRISTOPHER: So is it cool if we come? It's only for Saturday. RORY: Yeah it would be great, I mean Saturday's gonna be pretty busy for me 'cause we have to put out a parents' weekend edition of the paper, but I could definitely do lunch. CHRISTOPHER: She can do lunch. LORELAI: All right then we'll do lunch. I'll have extra provost with mine. [Takes the phone back] Hey after lunch, can we walk hunky Dan? RORY: Handsome Dan? LORELAI: That's his official mascot name. "Hunky Dan" is what I call him when we're alone. RORY: Mom, I got to go. LORELAI: You know who'd make a great mascot? Paul Anka. RORY: Mum. LORELAI: I'm not sure he's the ivy league type, though. He might need more of a hacky-sacking, poetry-reading, tie-dyeing kind of place... RORY: Mum. LORELAI: Like reed or Oberlin, where the air is sweet with the scent of patchouli. RORY: Mum. I'm not missing the beginning of this lecture. LORELAI: Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Nerd alert! [Hangs up the phone and smiles at Chris] LUKE'S DINER KIRK: What kind of sandwich is that, Luke? LUKE: Ham and cheese. KIRK: Is it stinky cheese? LUKE: Cheddar. KIRK: Because you really don't want to pack April a lunch with stinky cheese. By lunchtime, the whole bag will smell, and people won't believe it's just the cheese. They'll think it's her. They'll think she's stinky. LUKE: Eat your breakfast, Kirk. LULU: Muffin? KIRK: Yes, muffin? LULU: No, I'm offering. KIRK: Is it bran? LULU: It's banana. KIRK: It could be banana-bran. LULU: It's just banana. KIRK: Okay. LULU: Butter? KIRK: Not too much. LULU: 1 1/2 pats. KIRK: Two pats is too much. LULU: 1 1/2. LUKE: April, your ride's here. APRIL: I'm coming! [Comes down from the apartment] LUKE: Got everything? APRIL: Yeah. LUKE: Protractor? APRIL: I got it. LUKE: Biology homework? APRIL: Yep. LUKE: Extra sweater? APRIL: I still got the green cardigan in my locker. LUKE: Good, good. APRIL: Bye, dad. LUKE: Wait what about your swimsuit? APRIL: I got it. LUKE: You sure you don't need a ride to swim practice? APRIL: Megan's mom is taking me. I told you. [The ride starts honking the horn] LUKE: She's coming! All right, so, look -- I'll pick you up at 5:00, and I'll be there right after work. [Horn honks] APRIL: Okay LUKE: All right, already! She's standing right here! Go. APRIL: All right. Bye. LUKE: Yeesh! LULU: I should go, too. Have a good day, baby. KIRK: You too. LULU: Bye, Luke. LUKE: Bye, Lulu. KIRK: [He watches as Lulu leaves, and then sighs] Could someone crack a window? Because I am suffocating. LUKE: What? KIRK: Tell me you didn't see that. LUKE: See what, Kirk? KIRK: Lulu! She's smothering me! LUKE: Smothering you? KIRK: Everywhere I go, there she is. I'm sitting at the movies. Who's sitting next to me? Lulu. I go out to dinner. Who's sitting across from me? Lulu. I'm hanging out on the couch, watching TV. Who's right there next to me? LUKE: Your mother. KIRK: And Lulu. And at least mother respects my personal space. Sometimes when you're watching "Antiques Roadshow," you just don't want somebody tickling your arm. [Out side the ride for April quickly backs up, April gets out and runs into the diner to get the packet lunch she forgot on the counter] APRIL: [Chuckles] Bye again. [Luke smiles as he watched April leave again] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Michel and Sookie enter the kitchen, Lorelai is getting some coffee] MICHEL: You're pitiful. SOOKIE: I'm just telling you how it is. MICHEL: You don't tell me how it is. I tell you how it is. SOOKIE: No, you don't. MICHEL: Yes, I do. SOOKIE: You think you do. But you don't that's what I'm trying to tell you. MICHEL: [Chuckles] You're telling me that you tell me how it is? SOOKIE: That's what I'm telling you. MICHEL: We'll just see about that. Lorelai? LORELAI: Busy. MICHEL: We have a question. LORELAI: Busy, busy bee. MICHEL: Sookie's under the mistaken impression that she will be in charge of the front desk while you are in Paris. I informed her that that job falls to me. Could you please clear this up for her? LORELAI: Did I not mention how busy I am? Busy, like a bee. Bzzz! MICHEL: Lorelai! LORELAI: [Sighs] Michel, while I am away, you're in charge of the front desk. MICHEL: Ha! LORELAI: However, Sookie is a co-owner of the inn, so she is in charge in charge. SOOKIE: Ha ha! MICHEL: That is preposterous. She does not know the first thing about running the front desk. SOOKIE: All I have to know is how to tell your sorry behind to stand at the front desk and be courteous and to check those nice people in and out. [Imitates whip crack] LORELAI: Sorry. MICHEL: Absurd. [Then leaves[ SOOKIE: That's right, back to your station! [Imitates whip crack again] LORELAI: Really was that really necessary? SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: To provoke him like that. You know how sensitive he is. SOOKIE: Well, I'm sorry. He's been driving me crazy. He keeps referring to himself as my supervisor and insisting that I call him "captain." LORELAI: Well now I have to deal all day with sulky, pouty Michel. SOOKIE: He's a big baby. He should come to work wearing a diaper and caring a rattle. LORELAI: Maybe while I'm gone, you can get him to do that. [Imitates whip crack and then leaves] [Knock on kitchen outside door] HARVEY: Hello? SOOKIE: Hi. HARVEY: Are you Sookie St. James? SOOKIE: That's me. HARVEY: I'm Harvey Tuttle. I just took over the Tillman farm. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Beautiful property. HARVEY: Thank you. I still can't quite believe it's all mine. [they laugh] Anyhow, this is my first crop, and I'm just offering free samples to all the local restaurants. Got some eggplant, zucchini, some tomatoes here. SOOKIE: Oh, thank you, but I already have a vegetable supplier. HARVEY: Well, you know, technically, tomatoes are a fruit. SOOKIE: Ah. Fair point. Well, I have a vegetable and fruit supplier. HARVEY: How about legumes? SOOKIE: And legumes. HARVEY: That's okay why don't you go ahead and take this batch anyway? SOOKIE: Oh, no, no, no. HARVEY: On the house on the house. And If you like it and feel like passing my name along, I'd greatly appreciate it. SOOKIE: Okay. I will do that. HARVEY: Thank you. It was nice meeting you, Sookie. SOOKIE: Nice to meet you, too. [Smells a some of the vegetables] Ooh. SWIMMING POOL [Luke arrives to pick up April] SUSAN: Come on! Everybody should be in the locker room! Allison, Haley, no running. LAURA: My towel's all wet. SUSAN: That's what happens when you throw it in the pool, Laura. It's a terrific lesson in cause and effect. Now, squeeze it out and go get changed. [Taking some equipment from a girl] Thank you. [Turns around to see Luke] Hi, there. LUKE: Hi. I'm Luke Danes. SUSAN: April's dad. She talks a lot about you. LUKE: Yeah, you must be coach Bennett. SUSAN: Susan. LUKE: Yeah. SUSAN: Nice to meet you. LUKE: Yeah. You too. SUSAN: April's in the locker room. She should be right out. LUKE: Okay. SUSAN: She's doing really great, definitely one of our most enthusiastic swimmers. LUKE: Yeah, she really seems to love it. SUSAN: Good natural technique. Does she get that from you? LUKE: Oh, no, not me. No I don't really know how to swim. SUSAN: Seriously? LUKE: Yeah. I mean, I could doggy-paddle to shore in a pinch, but I never really learned formally. SUSAN: Luke, that's not good. LUKE: I'm pretty good on land. SUSAN: You need to be certified. You take April to pools, lakes, the ocean. LUKE: I never really thought about that. SUSAN: No worries, I teach an adult swim class Saturday mornings for an hour and half. It's an 8-week course. In fact I just started new round of classes last week, so if you came this Saturday, you'll really not have missed much at all. LUKE: Oh, I-I don't know. SUSAN: Luke, this is not something I would wait on. LUKE: Well, I -- yeah, okay. I guess I could do that. SUSAN: Great. APRIL: Oh. Hey, dad. LUKE: Hey. APRIL: Oh, this is coach Bennett. LUKE: Yeah, we were just meeting. APRIL: Well did she tell you I'm gonna swim the 100-meter butterfly and the 4x100-meter freestyle at our meet next week? LUKE: No, but that's great! APRIL: I mean I'm not anchor or anything, but I'm still pretty fast. SUSAN: And getting faster all the time. And hey your dad's gonna take a swim class with me. APRIL: [Laughs] Really? You are? LUKE: Well, yeah. APRIL: Do you even own a bathing suit? LUKE: Yeah, I do. It's not a Speedo or anything. APRIL: [Laughter] That is the funniest thing I have ever, can we call mom and tell her from the car? LUKE: Yeah. YALE - EXTERIOR LORELAI: Grass is just not this green -- not outside of "Pleasantville," it isn't. CHRISTOPHER: So, what exactly are you saying? LORELAI: I'm suggesting they brought in sod. CHRISTOPHER: You suspect sod. LORELAI: Yes yes, or spray paint. Maybe they spray-painted the grass when they spray-painted these trees 'cause I mean there's autumnal foliage and then there's autumnal foliage. It's over the top, people. CHRISTOPHER: You're onto them. Hey, you think Yale piped in this crisp fall smell? LORELAI: Uh, yeah, because Yale is crafty, Yale is smart. Yale is Yale, after all. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: Have fun, you two! Go, bulldogs! CHRISTOPHER: Hello. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: Hi. LORELAI: Let me ask you something. Do you really go here, or are you an actress hired by Yale? SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: [Very perky] What? I go here. I go here. LORELAI: You're good. I almost believe you. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: I'm sorry? CHRISTOPHER: Hi. We're Rory Gilmore's parents. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: Well, Rory Gilmore's parents, welcome to parents' weekend. Here's a parents' packet. LORELAI: Fabulous. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: Inside, you should find a map of the campus. You are here. LORELAI: So we are. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: A schedule of the weekend's events and a nametag. LORELAI: Thanks. Great. Go, bulldogs. SMILEY STUDENT VOLUNTEER: I was just gonna say that. Have fun, you two. LORELAI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. LORELAI: Hey, let's be Laverne and Shirley. CHRISTOPHER: What? No. LORELAI: Antony and Cleopatra? F. Scott and Zelda? Zinf and Del? CHRISTOPHER: I think I'll stick with my own name. LORELAI: Senior boring pants? Mr stick in the mud? [Reading the schedule] "A cappella," "a cappella." Hmm-hmm. There's a terrifying number of a-cappella jams this weekend. CHRISTOPHER: What exactly is an a-cappella jam? LORELAI: [Cell phone rings] I don't know, but it sure sounds painful. [Answering the phone] Hey. We're here. RORY: Hey [To A.K.] See if you can get that editorial to fit on one page. [Back to Lorelai] So, you're here. LORELAI: With bells on, and nothing else, except leg warmers, roller skates, and Groucho Marx glasses. RORY: How classy. CHRISTOPHER: [To the phone] Hi, Rory! LORELAI: Well, we're your parents. We're supposed to embarrass you. Are you at the paper? RORY: Yes, I am, indeed. Where are you guys? LORELAI: We are near a big brick building and a big tree. Are you near there? RORY: Possibly, we have a lot of brick buildings and old trees here at Yale. CHRISTOPHER: Tell her we're by the L-shaped building that from the top looks like a Polaroid camera. RORY: Believe it or not, I don't know what Yale's buildings look like from the sky. LORELAI: How ignorant of you, honey. [To Chris] Rory says she doesn't give two figs about Yale architecture. CHRISTOPHER: [Taking the phone] Not two figs? RORY: 1 1/2 figs is all I'll give. CHRISTOPHER: How are things at the paper? RORY: Busy but good. I should be done by lunch. CHRISTOPHER: Cool, so we got this schedule of events. Any recommendations? LORELAI: [Shouting to the phone] Brunch with the provost! CHRISTOPHER: I might like to tour the Peabody or maybe catch one of the faculty lectures, there's one called "plagues and pleasures" with professor summers. RORY: Summers is good. He's a bigwig in the world of molecular biophysics. CHRISTOPHER: Sounds hard. RORY: Will I doubt there'll be an exam. CHRISTOPHER: How about "the extravagant universe" with professor Quincy? LORELAI: Aw God [takes the phone from Chris] Hey, what is with all the a cappella? There's a cappella, a cappella, morning, noon, and night. I'm not sure I can take that much a cappella. RORY: Then you should avoid arches. A-cappella groups tend to hang out under arches, arches and any other places with good acoustics. LORELAI: Thanks for the tip. RORY: And if you hear a pitch pipe, run. I got to get back to work. LORELAI: Okay, we're gonna have brunch with the provost... or on the provost -- it's still unclear. RORY: Bye, mom. LORELAI: Bye. [To Chris] Hey. What is with your nametag? CHRISTOPHER: What do you mean? LORELAI: It's in the middle of your chest. CHRISTOPHER: So. LORELAI: So you're supposed to wear it off to the side. Who wears a nametag in the middle of their chest? CHRISTOPHER: Superman. LORELAI: Superman's "S" that was not a nametag. That was an emblem. CHRISTOPHER: So, this is my emblem. LORELAI: "Hello, I'm Rory Gilmore's dad, Christopher" is your emblem? CHRISTOPHER: Yes, it is. LORELAI: I'm gonna have to ask you to walk 15 feet in front of me. SWIMMING POOL [Luke and 6 other adults are in the pool with Susan.] SUSAN: And breathe in. And blow. And breathe in. And blow. Good, Luke. But try not to take such shallow breaths. [Touching him on the chest] Try to take slower, deeper breaths from your diaphragm. Feel that? LUKE: Yeah. RONALD: I'm having a little trouble getting deep breaths over here. SUSAN: You're doing fine, Ronald. [To Luke] Now you stopped breathing altogether. LUKE: [Coughs] SUSAN: Just try and relax. LUKE: Okay. [Still getting his breath] SUSAN: It's okay. You'll get the hang of it. LUKE: [Breathless] yeah. SUSAN: Okay, everybody. That's it. Good work. [To Luke] You did good today. LUKE: Yeah? Thanks. SUSAN: Yeah. You caught right up. I'll have you swimming like a fish in no time. LUKE: Oh, good. Thank you. SUSAN: So...you eat? LUKE: Eat? SUSAN: Food. I was thinking you could call me, and we could get a bite to eat. LUKE: Uh, yeah, sure, sure. SUSAN: Here. Here's the young dolphins' contact sheet. My number's right at the top. LUKE: Okay. Great. Thanks. SUSAN: See you soon. LUKE: Bye. YALE - CAFETERIA LORELAI: Look at this propaganda. Belgian waffles, cloth napkins. I've had breakfast here before, and it was paper napkins and American cereal all the way. Yeah -- lox, capers, itty-bitty bagels? Pack of lies. LOU: Coffee? LORELAI: Uh, coffee. CHRISTOPHER: Coffee. LOU: I'm Lou, Ethan Morton's dad. LORELAI: Cheers. CHRISTOPHER: I'm Christopher. This is Lorelai. We're Rory Gilmore's parents. LOU: Rory Gilmore? Sure she's a senior, right? LORELAI: Wow. Did you memorize the student face book? LOU: [Chuckles] The masthead of the Yale daily news. Ethan's an aspiring journalist and a big fan of your daughter's. LORELAI: I love that Rory has fans. LOU: Maybe we should set up a lunch so Rory could meet Ethan. DAISY: Lou, honestly. I apologize on behalf of my husband, who can't seem to remember that Ethan already got into Yale. The pressure's off. He doesn't need his booster club anymore. Daisy. LORELAI: Hi. Lorelai and Christopher. We're Rory Gilmore's parents. DAISY: Oh, Rory Gilmore's parents. [To Lou] Oh! Where did you get the darling little bagels? LORELAI: Oh, they're right over here. I'll show you. DAISY: Oh...[Follows Lorelai] You know Ethan really is an incredible journalist. He wrote this editorial for his high-school paper arguing that it should be legal to burn the American flag. Insightful as hell. I'd be glad to e-mail you a copy, if you want. LORELAI: [Sounding like she's not interested] Where is the provost? Aren't you dying to meet the provost? LOU: Sorry if I was being a bit pushy. CHRISTOPHER: No. Please. You're a proud dad. LOU: Yeah and we should be proud, right? Our kids done good. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckling] Yeah. LOU: It's just hard to let go, you know, after all those years of looking over their homework and reading their papers, practicing lines with them for the school play, taking them to karate lessons, violin lessons, S.A.T.-Prep courses. [Chris looks on agreeing but feeling like he missed out.] JAKE: What about 5:00 A.M. Hockey practice? LOU: Science projects. JAKE: I helped owen build a wave generator one year. $3,200. That's what it cost me to replace the kitchen tiles when the thing exploded in the middle of the night. CHRISTOPHER: It exploded? JAKE: I sell ladies' shoes. What do I know about wave generators? Jake -- Owen Huber's dad. CHRISTOPHER: I'm Christopher. I'm... JAKE: Rory Gilmore's dad. I was just talking to your wife. LORELAI: Um, actually, I'm not his wife. JAKE: I didn't say you were I was talking about his wife -- Mrs. Gilmore. She's over there by the Mimosas. [Looks over to see Emily laughter with some other ladies] LORELAI: Unbelievable. I'm sorry. Will you excuse me? I'm gonna go talk to Mrs. Gilmore. LOU: Which lectures are you guys gonna hit? [Lorelai comes up to Emily] EMILY: And I said to him, "they've tenured Bill Sunderland? Who's next -- Carmen Electra?" [Laughter] LORELAI: Good one, mom. EMILY: Lorelai. If you'll excuse us? Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi. EMILY: Well. My goodness. What on earth are you doing here? LORELAI: What am I doing here? Well I think the question is, what are you doing here? EMILY: It's Yale parents' weekend. LORELAI: Yes, but you are not a parent. EMILY: I still can't believe you're here. LORELAI: Mother, it's parents' weekend. I'm a parent that's why I'm here. I'm a parent. EMILY: And I'm a grandparent. LORELAI: Right a grandparent, not a parent. EMILY: A grandparent is a type of parent. LORELAI: No, it's not. EMILY: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not? LORELAI: Well you got me there, Riddler, but I hope that logic works when I crash grandparents' weekend. EMILY: Oh, please, Lorelai. Your father and I have been attending Rory's parents' weekends here at Yale since her freshman year. It's one of our little traditions. Hello, Rachel. I'll see you at the field-hockey game? LORELAI: It's one of your little traditions to pretend to be Rory's parents? RICHARD: Lorelai. [As he comes up] What a surprise. LORELAI: Yes it is a surprise. You know why you guys aren't parents. Why are you here? RICHARD: I'm an alumnus, Lorelai. Also a visiting faculty member. EMILY: And you'll remember, until recently, your father and I were the ones taking responsibility for Rory's tuition. LORELAI: Yes, I remember. EMILY: We felt someone ought to attend, for Rory's sake. It's obviously not your kind of thing. LORELAI: What is that supposed to mean? RICHARD: Well, I'm glad you're here. LORELAI: Thank you, me too. What's that supposed to mean? EMILY: You don't like these kinds of things -- things with schedules and nametags. You mock these kinds of things. LORELAI: Well I'm here I'm not mocking. I'm brunching. RICHARD: I think you'll find parents' weekend great fun. LORELAI: Thank you. It is. I am -- finding it great fun. RICHARD: We always tour the campus, check in here at Branford, maybe take in a faculty lecture or two, and then take Rory out to dinner. LORELAI: You're taking Rory to dinner? EMILY: We're going to Chez Zinjustin this year, a fabulous French restaurant. They have a Crme Brlée that is to die for. LORELAI: Well, that sounds like fun. Too bad you're gonna miss the tour of the gemstones of Yale. RICHARD: The tour at Peabody? I thought that was much earlier. LORELAI: Yes, well, it is -- for the general public. We signed up for a special evening one. Chris and I signed up weeks ago. EMILY: Christopher's here? LORELAI: Yes 'cause he's a parent. It's his weekend, too. So, we'll go to the tour and then probably hit a few panels, go to the, em... EMILY: What is this you have on your nametag -- "Zinf"? What is "Zinf"? Some kind of joke? LORELAI: Oh, it's an old, traditional Yale word...thingy. RICHARD: What is that word -- "Zinf"? Is it Hebrew? EMILY: Why is it on your nametag? LORELAI: You guys don't know? I thought you were all into Yale. CHRISTOPHER: Hello, Emily. Richard. RICHARD: [Shacks hands] Christopher. Nice to see you. CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, professor Quincy's talk is about to start, and I know you probably don't... LORELAI: don't want to miss a word. Yes, that's true. Well, we've got to go. You enjoy your evening. Astrophysics waits for no man. [SCENE_BREAK] LECTURE HALL [The lecture is underway] PROFESSOR QUINCY: When supernovae explode, they emit an energy that is 4 billion times greater than the sun. So powerful are these explosions that even though they're occurring halfway across the observable universe, some 7 billion light-years away... [Chris is trying to listen] LORELAI: My parents have got a lot of nerve, you know? That's one thing they've got, is nerve. They should put it to good use -- start a knife-throwing contest or something. CHRISTOPHER: Lor... LORELAI: [Sighs] I mean, lunch? Please. They get dinner, and we get lunch? Lunch is such a booby prize. PROFESSOR QUINCY: ...We would be able to see that the expansion of the universe was slowing down. LORELAI: I just can't believe Rory didn't tell us that they were coming. You know. Berate her. [Texting on her phone] "Rory... you...little...rat." PROFESSOR QUINCY: But we've learned that the expansion of the universe is not slowing down -- it's speeding up. LORELAI: She says that she assumed that we knew they were coming. [Texting again] "When you assume, you make an..." CHRISTOPHER: shh! PROFESSOR QUINCY: Something else is happening in the universe that is counteracting the powerful force of gravity, and that's what we call "dark energy." LORELAI: Hey, you know what? We should have lunch at Chez Zinjustin. I hear they have a Crme Brlée to die for. CHRISTOPHER: Sure. Sounds good. LORELAI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: You can't make a phone call in here. LORELAI: I want to make sure we get a reservation. PROFESSOR QUINCY:...Back in the 1930s. So, it may be that Einstein was right all along. Turns out the guy was pretty smart. [Laughter and applause] All right, are there any questions? Yes? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, how can we tell whether dark energy is the same thing as the cosmological constant? [Looking proud] PROFESSOR QUINCY: Excellent question. More thorough measurement from observatories on the ground, from the Hubble space telescope... DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN SOOKIE: I was making Ratatouille anyway. MICHEL: Excuse me? SOOKIE: Perfectly good vegetables, and I was making Ratatouille anyway, and no sense in wasting them. MICHEL: Did I miss something? SOOKIE: Not like there's anything to feel guilty about. Jackson sells his vegetables all over town. I'm not just gonna throw these away. MICHEL: Just because Lorelai is away does not mean that I'm obligated to listen to your incessant prattling. SOOKIE: I mean, it would be wrong to waste vegetables. Wasting vegetables is wrong. MICHEL: I will listen to you on one condition. Call me "captain." SOOKIE: No. MICHEL: Fine. [Starts to leave] SOOKIE: Okay...captain. MICHEL: Yes? SOOKIE: The point is that Jackson's vegetables are top-of-the-line, first-rate. But they're his vegetables, you know, and these aren't. These have something different to offer, and I shouldn't feel guilty about... MICHEL: You know what? It's not worth it. [Leaves] SOOKIE: [Too other kitchen staff] It's just Ratatouille, okay? Nothing to get all riled up about. LUKE'S DINER LUKE: Caesar, I'm back. KIRK: Hey, Luke, you want to grab a cold one tonight, bird-dog some Chicas? LUKE: What? KIRK: As of 0700 this evening, I'm going to be a free man. LUKE: You are? KIRK: I am. Giving Lulu the old heave-ho, hitting the eject button. LUKE: Kirk? KIRK: I owe it all to you, buddy. LUKE: Me? KIRK: You inspired me. I look at you, and I think, "this guy's doing it right. Slave to no master." You come home at 3:00 in the morning -- no one cares. You want to eat dessert for dinner -- no one cares. You walk around in tube socks and tighty whities -- no one cares. No one cares what you do or where you go. [Luke is not looking happy] So, what do you say, Luke? You want to be my wingman, goose to my maverick? [Singing into a ladle] You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips and there's no tenderness... LUKE: [Putting his arm around kirks neck] Listen, you pinhead, you should be kissing the ground that Lulu walks on. Why that sweet girl lets you within a hundred miles of her is beyond me, but she does. You are the luckiest man on the planet to have a girl like that looking out for you and caring about you. And if you say so much as one unkind word to her, I will personally break every bone in your body. You got me? [Kirk is speechless, Luke takes the flyer out of his bag that Susan gave him and goes to the apartment.] YALE NEWS ROOM PARIS: What did you end up putting on the front page? SHEILA: Don't play dumb, Paris. PARIS: My early-admission/early-actions piece. No kidding. RORY: It was a good article. PARIS: [To Sheila] Huh, I'm hardly ever here anymore, I'm putting in minimal effort when I am here, and yet my article is still the front-page lead. It's almost too easy. [Lorelai and Chris quietly enter and stay back to listen.] RORY: It's not locked yet, Paris. Okay A.K., You're gonna take care of that Lacrosse caption? A.K.: What was wrong with what I had? RORY: Well you might want to save the metaphors and alliterations for poetry class and give me something short and snappy. And you might want to mention Lacrosse. A.K.: You got it. LORELAI: [Quietly to Chris] I love how bossy she is. CHRISTOPHER: Well, she is their boss. Yeah, I love that. She's like a dictator, only cute and nonviolent. And instead of a country, she has a newspaper. A.K.: "Yale Lacrosse team sticks it to Ivy League rivals"? RORY: Done. Okay, so, A.K. Will take care of that. And good job, everybody. Layout is locked. PARIS: [To Sheila] It's funny it's almost like I'd have to work harder not to get the front page. RORY: Oh, hi, parents. LORELAI: You are the cutest fascist ever. RORY: Hi, so, how was the morning? LORELAI: Brunch was lovely, except of course for my parents skulking around, which no one warned me about. Hey I forgot I'm still mad at you. RORY: Don't be mad at me. LORELAI: Okay fine but only 'cause you're the cutest despot ever. RORY: What else? CHRISTOPHER: We had a few close brushes with a cappella. LORELAI: Aw, that was a narrow escape. We were taking a shortcut on the way to the lecture hall, and we almost shortcutted our way into a group of guys singing "Zombie Jamboree." RORY: You guys went to a lecture? LORELAI: Yes, where I learned that the universe is expanding and that your dad is a big question-asking geek. Hey, we have come to take you to lunch at Chez Zinjustin. RORY: Wow. Fancy. CHRISTOPHER: Apparently, the Crme Brlée is to die for. RORY: Since when do you say "to die for"? LORELAI: Since he got addicted to "project runway." CHRISTOPHER: Make it work. RORY: So you guys should meet everybody. Mom and dad, this is Sheila, Bill, A.K., Raj, and Joni. [They say Hi as a group] This is Christopher and Lorelai. And you know Paris, of course. PARIS: Lorelai. It's been too long. [Kisses her on both cheeks] LORELAI: Hi. Oh. Wow. Okay. And you know Christopher. PARIS: I believe we've met in passing. Good to see you, Chris. CHRISTOPHER: Good to see you. RORY: We're just going to Chez Zinjustin for lunch. BILL: You mean "chez fancy pants." SHEILA: My dad took me, and my roommates there for dinner freshman year -- back when he still loved me. It's supernice. RAJ: I hear they match your napkin to what you're wearing. JONI: I hear they fold your napkin into an origami swan every time you leave the table. RORY: I don't know about the napkins but I hear the Crme Brlée is to die for. A.K.: I heard that to. CHRISTOPHER: You know what? You should all come along. BILL: Who, us? CHRISTOPHER: Sure. Hey, let's bring the whole gang. RORY: Oh, dad, you don't have to... CHRISTOPHER: I want to it'll give me a chance to get to know all your friends. RORY: People might have plans. BILL: None. PARIS: There's a shocker. SHEILA: I'm starving. LORELAI: Well, all right, then. Come on. Lunch on Rory's dad. JONI: Thank you. RAJ: All right. BILL: Sweet. Cool. CHEZ ZINJUSTIN [Slow music plays, the "gang" is sitting at their table, Rory, Lorelai and Chris are together.] LORELAI: [French accent] Ah, thank you. The wine is wonderful. WAITER: [British accent] I'm so glad you're enjoying it. LORELAI: [Normal voice] Hey, this is a French restaurant. Shouldn't all the servers be French? WAITER: Je ne suis pas français, mais je peux parler français, si vous préférez. [I am not French, but I can speak French, if you prefer] LORELAI: [French accent] Uh, where is the nearest subway station? Ha. [Chuckles] WAITER: Another bottle, sir? CHRISTOPHER: Absolutely. Anyway, the chalet in Killington had this open floor plan, sort of the way Rory's apartment's laid out. RAJ: I've never exactly seen Rory's apartment. CHRISTOPHER: Oh yeah. RAJ: We mostly just hang at the paper and -- mostly at the paper. CHRISTOPHER: Anyway, I really want to rent a place at a ski resort this winter, maybe Killington or sugarloaf. RAJ: That sounds great. CHRISTOPHER: You know you should come -- totally. We'll get all of Rory's friends together for a long weekend, ski, hang out. It will be a blast. RAJ: A ski trip sounds awesome. SHEILA: Who's going skiing? CHRISTOPHER: You are -- this winter. Everyone's invited. SHEILA: Right on! LORELAI: [To Rory] You don't hang out with any of these people outside the paper, do you? RORY: Not so much. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. Who wants dessert? BILL: I'd love a Crme Brlée. I've never had Crme Brlée. RAJ: I could do with a cognac. PARIS: I wouldn't say no to a Digestif. JONI: Crme Brlée for me. And a cognac. CHRISTOPHER: You know I think we'd like to get Crme Brlée and cognac all around. LORELAI: [To Rory] Sorry. RORY: Why sorry? LORELAI: Sorry if this lunch is weird. RORY: No. LORELAI: Rory... RORY: Okay, this lunch is weird. LORELAI: I feel like we're those lame-o parents of yore. RORY: Dad is trying kind of hard. LORELAI: Yeah, I think any minute, he's gonna start juggling plates. RORY: And hanging spoons off his nose. Yeah, but it's sweet. CHRISTOPHER: But seriously you guys whenever you guys get a 3-day weekend, you should totally come up. RAJ: Can we rent skis there? CHRISTOPHER: Sure, or I can lend you a pair. We'll have you jumping moguls down a black diamond, Raj. RORY: I guess It's good that I experience a little bit of lame-o parenting. I mean after all It's part of the quintessential college experience, isn't it? LORELAI: I guess. RORY: And it's great that you got to meet the whole gang before our big ski vacation together. [Cell phones start ringing.] Uh-oh. LORELAI: "Uh-oh" good or "uh-oh" bad? I guess there isn't really an "uh-oh" good, is there? RORY: :Um listen up, guys. A bunch of students that were protesting the war took over president Stewart's office. It looks like we're gonna have to rework the whole edition. RAJ: Why can't the news stop while we're eating? SHEILA: I know it's so impolite. JONI: I just got a text with a photo. Looks like they're wearing George Bush masks and...[turns the phone upside down] are those Condoleezza Rice masks? PARIS: They make Condoleezza masks? RORY: We've got to get on this everybody. Um so you guys, I'm sorry it looks like we have to... LORELAI: It's okay go. CHRISTOPHER: Duty calls. RORY: Okay, Sheila, get Keith on the phone and see if you can get him down there. Actually get Samantha down there, too. I want so many photos of this thing I can make a flip book. Bill and A.K., Get back to the office so you can proof the stories. We're emailing it in. Everyone else, you're with me. BILL: What about the Crme Brlée? RAJ: And our cognac? BILL: I have yet to taste the sweet nectar of Crme Blée. RORY: This is going to be our front page. PARIS: Front page? Really? I think the front page is fine as it is. RORY: Paris. PARIS: Come on we all know these rabble-rousers are just looking for attention, why indulge them? RORY: Let's go. BILL: I want to go. I want to report this story. I just want to do it after I eat my Crme Brlée. I mean, what if tonight I get hit by lightning and die a Crme-Brlée virgin? SHEILA: A Crme-Brlée virgin? RORY: [Getting mad] You know what this is enough. This is a major political protest. It's a big story, and it's going to go on our front page. Now get your drunk, Crme-Brlée-craving asses out of these chairs, and let's get to work, okay? Besides the lead, I'm going to need some color -- what's going on behind the masks that kind a thing. Joni, you want to take a crack at that? JONI: I'm a little tipsy. RORY: Is there anyone who's not a little tipsy? Thanks for lunch, dad. JONI: Thank you. RAJ: Lunch was great. SHEILA: Great meeting you. CHRISTOPHER: See you later. [The waiters come up with 2 large trays] LORELAI: Well, I hope you're hungry for some Crme Brlée. LUKE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT APRIL: Are you sure you want to Fianchetto that bishop so early? LANE: I don't know it depends on what "Fianchetto" means. APRIL: It means I'm gonna kick your butt if you make that move. LANE: Well you're kicking my butt anyway, so I don't see how one Fianchetto is gonna make much of a difference. Besides, it sounds fancy you make it like I know what I'm doing. APRIL: You're not very good. LUKE: April. APRIL: Sorry. I can be blunt. LANE: Tell it like it is, sister. Besides, later tonight, when we boggle, which is what I was told we'd be playing tonight, it is your butt that is going to be kicked, because I've been studying my 7-letter words that sound made-up but aren't. "Palfrey" -- p-a-l-f-r-e-y. It's a saddle horse for a woman. APRIL: Impressive. LUKE: Okay, so, coach Bennett and I are gonna go out and have some dinner together and talk, and then I'll be home. Shouldn't be more than a couple hours. Just a dinner and some talking. APRIL: It would be weird if it was a dinner with no talking. LUKE: Sure. APRIL: And you should probably call her "Susan" tonight, instead of "coach Bennett" -- I think she'd prefer that. LUKE: Good tip. LANE: We'll hang out until you get back. LUKE: Okay so you got the number of the restaurant. I'm gonna have my cell phone on me, so if there are any problems, anything... LANE: Thank you, Luke. Bye. APRIL: Bye, dad. LUKE: See you later. APRIL: You okay? LANE: I'm fine. Okay, now, it's your move, darlin', unless you'd rather discuss zymurgy -- z-y-m-u-r-g-y -- the branch of applied chemistry dealing with fermentation. APRIL: All right, all right. We can play boggle. LANE: Yes! RESTAURANT [Luke and Susan enter] HOSTESS: Hello. Two? Okay, right this way. There you go. Your waitress will be right with you. SUSAN: Thank you. [To Luke] Oh, no. Come sit with me. LUKE: There? SUSAN: Yeah. It's cozier. LUKE: Oh. Okay. SUSAN: I hate being so far away. LUKE: [Chuckles, then clears his throat. Looks at the menu] Wow! SUSAN: I know, right? It's my favorite restaurant. And you said you liked to eat healthy, so.. LUKE: Yeah. Huh. I've never eaten this healthy. So, "vegan" doesn't just mean "vegetarian." SUSAN: No -- no animal products of any kind. No eggs, no milk, no cheese. LUKE: Just soy everything. SUSAN: Soy steak is scrumptious. I swear you totally can't tell the difference. LUKE: Oh, I bet I can. SUSAN: So, Luke, let me ask you a question. LUKE: Okay. SUSAN: Who would play you in the Luke Danes movie? LUKE: Huh? SUSAN: Alive or dead. LUKE: Uh...I never really thought about that. SUSAN: Take your time. Do you want to know mine? LUKE: Sure. SUSAN: [Laughs] Marlene Dietrich. LUKE: Oh. SUSAN: Right! LUKE: I don't know who that is. SUSAN: Sure you do. LUKE: No, I don't. SUSAN: Yes, you do. Think. LUKE: I don't. SUSAN: "Touch of Evil," um "The Lady is Willing," "Destry Rides Again." "Your husband would rather be cheated by me than married to you." LUKE: Oh, yeah, sure. SUSAN: My last boyfriend -- "the ex" -- he was always calling me [shouting] "Marlene!" Oh, you know what? I think you might know him. Bob McCullough, Laura's father? LUKE: No, I don't think I do. SUSAN: We lived together for four months, and then he just went totally psycho. [shouting] Psycho! [Luke looks shocked and a little scared] I swore I wasn't gonna date any more single dads after that, but here I am. LUKE: [Chuckles nervously] SUSAN: You hooked me. LUKE: Hmm. SUSAN: Well, you know what they say -- third time's a charm. WAITRESS: Can I get anybody a drink? LUKE: Yes, please. YALE - NIGHT - EXTERIOR [Lorelai and Chris are walking] LORELAI: I heard a bone crack, several bones cracking. Crack, crack, crack -- it was like fireworks. CHRISTOPHER: Rugby is a violent sport. LORELAI: I guess the fact that an ambulance was parked by the side of the field before the game even started should've been my first clue. CHRISTOPHER: They don't park ambulances next to tetherball matches. [Cell phone rings] LORELAI: I can't believe we lost. It was so violent. I guess they were just violenter. [Looking at text message] Uh, it's Rory. They're at the paper. They're still working. CHRISTOPHER: Man! LORELAI: Half of them are drunk or hung over. Joni passed out. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, jeez. LORELAI: Looks like she's gonna be there all night. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, that's not good news. LORELAI: Well, silver lining -- that means she won't get to have dinner with my parents. We got the only meal. We won parents' weekend, and we didn't even break any bones. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. Some meal. LORELAI: What's wrong? CHRISTOPHER: Nothing. I just -- I...I screwed up. LORELAI: What do you mean, you screwed up? CHRISTOPHER: It's my fault that Rory's got to work all night. LORELAI: What do you mean? You staged the student protest? You wore a Condi mask and manacled yourself to the president's door? CHRISTOPHER: The big meal, ordering all that wine. Her staff's a mess. It's my fault. LORELAI: Honey, if those kids are gonna be journalists, they have to learn to write drunk. CHRISTOPHER: I'm trying to be Superdad or something. LORELAI: Why? CHRISTOPHER: I don't know. LORELAI: Does it have to do with the nametag-in-the-middle- of-the-chest thing? CHRISTOPHER: At the brunch, all the other dads were talking about how they took their kids to hockey practice and violin lessons and helped them study for the S.A.T.S, and I just stood there like a jerk, nodding my head like I'd done all those things. LORELAI: Oh, honey. CHRISTOPHER: I didn't do any of those things. LORELAI: Well first of all, Rory didn't need someone to check her homework. She was a self-starter. Second of all, she wasn't interested in hockey. And third of all, you don't have to try to be Superdad. CHRISTOPHER: I feel like I should be. LORELAI: No. You can just relax, you know? Be yourself. Be the dad that you are -- Clark Kent dad, Christopher Hayden dad. CHRISTOPHER: I guess. LORELAI: Totally. CHRISTOPHER: It's just -- it's too late. I mean, I've g Gigi., And that's great, but Rory -- Rory's grown up. I missed it. LORELAI: You didn't miss it. CHRISTOPHER: She's a senior in college, Lor. LORELAI: We have years of hard parenting ahead. She is due for a quarter-life crisis. All those years of stability do not bode well. We're gonna have plenty to do. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. And the best part is... we get to deal with it together. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Quarter-life crisis, huh? LORELAI: [Giggles] I'm pretty sure she's gonna spin wildly out of control. We're gonna have to do an intervention, put her through rehab, give her a place to stay while she's divorcing the hell's angel... [A Cappella group sings "It don't make a difference if we make it or not we've both got one another, and that's a lot for love, let's give it a shot wh-o-o-o-oa we're halfway there ohhh, ohhh we're livin' on a prayer"] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN FRED: Divine. The tomatoes are so fresh and meaty. CARL: The eggplant is what puts it over the top. Perfect sweetness, your best ever. SOOKIE: Well, I wouldn't say my best. FRED: It is, a whole new level of flavor, like a vegetable symphony. What do you think, captain? MICHEL: It's true. It even surpasses my mother's, and that woman made Ratatouille for a living. Well done, Sookie. FRED: Brava, Maestra. SOOKIE: It's just Ratatouille, okay? Now, go get back to work. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. JACKSON: Hey. SOOKIE: Hey! JACKSON: You ready to go? SOOKIE: Ready, Freddy! JACKSON: Just dropped the kids off at the Bostics'. They made me take my shoes off again. SOOKIE: They make everybody take off their shoes. I can't remember the last time I saw the Bostics in anything but socks. JACKSON: But then they had the audacity to complain that my feet smell. SOOKIE: They really complained? JACKSON: Well they made sour faces when I wasn't looking and rolled their eyes. SOOKIE: Oh, Jackson. JACKSON: What do they expect? Of course my feet smell. I work in the fields all day. That's why I wear big thick boots -- to contain the smell. I swear, the next time they come over to the house, I'm gonna ask them to take off their pants or something. It's outrageous! SOOKIE: I'm sorry, honey. JACKSON: Yeah, well... SOOKIE: I know the Bostic's are a little nutso. JACKSON: Very nutso. Who irons their couch? SOOKIE: But Martha and Davy love going over there and playing with Kayla and Ryan, and when they come back, they're so polite and cordial for like an hour, which is nice. JACKSON: That is a bonus, but still. SOOKIE: I know. I'll get my purse. [Jackson goes over to the stove and tastes the Ratatouille] No! JACKSON: What? SOOKIE: Ooh! Bad batch! [Grabs the food he was about to eat and throws it in the sink] Saving it for the horses. JACKSON: But you never mess up your Ratatouille. SOOKIE: Well everyone's allowed a mistake or two here and there. You know what? I'm just gonna -- just junk it. JACKSON: Are you sure? It smells fantastic. SOOKIE: I'm sure. Trust me -- it's awful. Hey, you know what I was thinking? What do you think about a nice romantic dinner, huh? How about Cicero's? JACKSON: Wow. Cicero's. SOOKIE: Yeah. JACKSON: They have good Ratatouille. SOOKIE: Mm-hmm. JACKSON: Okay, so long as I can keep my shoes on. SOOKIE: Unless Cicero's has suddenly gone Japanese, I think we're good. LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT - EXTERIOR [Luke pulls up in his truck and gets out, he spots Kirk with Lulu across the town square, they exchange looks. Luke is pleased.] LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke enters, Lane is asleep and April is watching TV] TYRA BANKS: [on the TV] The first name that I'm going to call is... A.J. APRIL: She was very well-behaved. LUKE: Glad to hear it. Lane? LANE: [Sleepy] Oh. Hey, Luke. LUKE: I'm home. APRIL: You zonked out about 20 minutes ago. LANE: Well, I should probably do the rest of my zonking in my own apartment. Thank you for hanging out with me tonight, April. APRIL: My pleasure. LANE: See you tomorrow, Luke. LUKE: See you tomorrow, Lane. [To April] So, you guys had fun? APRIL: Totally. Lane's awesome. How about you? LUKE: It was nice, you know? We had vegan food. APRIL: Ooh. You couldn't have liked that. LUKE: I did not, but coach Bennett really seemed to enjoy it. APRIL: So, you're still calling her "coach Bennett"? LUKE: Oh I think she'll just remain "coach Bennett" to me. APRIL: That's cool. LUKE: Mmm. Hey, is that pizza still up for grabs? APRIL: Go crazy. LUKE: Oh. I'm starving. Real cheese. APRIL: We also ordered sticky buns. LUKE: Bring it on. [April sits next to Luke on the couch] LUKE: Mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm! [Chuckles, Luke looks happy.] YALE NEWS ROOM RORY: No quote from president Stewart yet? BILL: Nothing. RORY: Have we picked the photo? RAJ: Sheila's got some options for you. A.K.: Layout's coming along. RORY: Good. Okay. Keep it moving. We have a deadline here. [Telephone rings] BILL: Ow! Who made this phone so loud? [Answers the phone] Yale daily news. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Will do. [Hangs up] We got ourselves a quote. Steve's e-mailing it in now. RORY: Great. Okay, would you mind inputting these corrections? BILL: Anything to get away from that phone. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, gang. RORY: Hey. CHRISTOPHER: We come bearing doughnuts and coffee. LORELAI: Gather 'round. The chocolate Eclairs are to die for. RORY: Thanks, guys. LORELAI: We figured you'd need some all-nighter supplies. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. So, um, I'm sorry about getting your staff drunk. RORY: Oh, don't worry about it. CHRISTOPHER: You seemed pretty upset at the restaurant. RORY: I was just stressed out. It's no big deal. CHRISTOPHER: So, you're not mad? RORY: No. But Dad, I think I would've liked it better if on parents' weekend, I could've just had lunch with my parents. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, that would've been better. Next year -- grad-school parents' weekend. RORY: Um. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, if it's okay with you, do you mind if we hang out and watch you in action? RORY: Oh I don't think you can hang out, 'cause you're gonna be late. LORELAI: Late for... RORY: For your dinner reservations at Chez Zinjustin. I mean I told grandma and grandpa that I couldn't make it, but I think I accidentally told them you guys were free. LORELAI: You're evil. CHRISTOPHER: You were mad. RORY: Isn't that a coincidence that they had a reservation, too? Oh, don't eat that doughnut 'cause I hear they have a Crme Brlée that is... LORELAI: Don't. RORY: Come on get your lame-o-parent selves out the door. You don't want to be late. That'll tick them off. LORELAI: Bye. CHRISTOPHER: Bye. RORY: Bye-bye.
Plan: A: Christopher; Q: Who convinces Lorelai to visit Rory at Yale? A: Lorelai; Q: Who is surprised to find Richard and Emily at Yale? A: visiting Rory; Q: What does Christopher talk Lorelai into doing at Yale? A: Rory; Q: Whose co-workers do Lorelai and Christopher visit at Yale? A: Parents' Weekend; Q: When does Lorelai visit Rory at Yale? A: the "Yale Daily News; Q: What is Rory's job title? A: an expensive lunch; Q: What does Christopher invite all of Rory's co-workers to? A: Luke; Q: Who asks April out on a date? A: her adult swimming class; Q: What does April's coach convince Luke to take? Summary: Christopher talks Lorelai into visiting Rory at Yale during Parents' Weekend, and Lorelai is surprised to find that Richard and Emily are also there. Christopher invites all of Rory's co-workers on the "Yale Daily News" to an expensive lunch where they all drink too much. The meal ends abruptly when Rory insists they leave to cover a breaking story. Meanwhile, Luke meets April's swimming coach, who convinces him to take her adult swimming class. When the coach flirts with him, Luke asks her out on a date.
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue is there. She is trying to move a fork using her power but it's not moving. Phoebe comes in.] Phoebe: Look at me. I am a fashion blunder. A mademoiselle don't. Oh my god, you lost your powers? Prue: Can't lose what you never had. (Prue astral projects out of the room.) Phoebe: I hate when she plays astral games. Marco. Prue: (from the attic) Polo. [Cut to the attic. Prue is sitting in a chair reading a book on telekinesis. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: What were you doing down there? Prue: Practicing. Trying to use telekinesis in astral mode. Phoebe: Hmm, witch exercises. Since when? Prue: Since I studied up on Belthazor. The triad couldn't have sent us a worst demon. Phoebe: Or one with worse skin. I would hate to find myself alone with this guy. Prue: Yeah, well, you wouldn't last long. None of us would. That's why I'm trying to teach my astral self how to fight. (Phoebe flops down into a chair.) Phoebe: I have a date wit Cole. Prue: You say that like it's a bad thing. Phoebe: It's a lunch date. Prue: So? Phoebe: So, it's not a good sign. Lunch is a cheap imitation of dinner. That's why it has it's own special menu. And, you know, we kissed last week. We should be onto dinner and candle light by now. Prue: Well, may-- ohh! (She holds her hand against her jaw.) Phoebe: I can't believe you haven't taken care of that tooth. Prue: Yeah, well, I have a dentist appointment in an hour. Phoebe: Good. I hate to see you so miserable. Prue: Me too. [Scene: Prue is driving in her car. She approaches road construction.] Construction Worker: Stop right there please. (Prue stops her car. Cole appears near by.) Come ahead. (A bus drives past Prue's car. A "save the innocent" sign is painted on the side of it. An arrow lights up pointing left. Cole flicks his hand it points to right.) That way. (The construction worker points and Prue drives on to the right. Cole disappears.) [Time lapse. Prue is in her car calling Phoebe from her cell phone.] Phoebe: Hello? Prue: Hey, did you cast any give me a sign spells lately? Phoebe: No, why? Prue: I don't know, it just seems like somebody's dropping signs right in front of me... literally. Phoebe: Prue, you need to ignore the signs and get yourself into a dentist. Prue: Yeah, I know. (Prue approaches a construction worker holding a stop sign.) Phoebe: Uh, hello, Prue? Prue: Uh, I'll call you back. (She hangs up. She notices "Final Stop" painted on a building.) [Time lapse. Prue walks up to a construction worker.] Prue: Excuse me. Construction Worker #2: You're with social services, right? Prue: No, why? Construction Worker #2: The guy won't come out of his loft up there and we're supposed to start demolition today. Prue: Someone still lives here? Construction Worker #2: Well, if you can call it that. Poor guy says he hasn't stepped outside in four years. (He walks away. Prue goes inside the building. She walks up some stairs and approaches a door. She knocks on it.) Prue: Hello? (She opens the door but there is a door chain on it.) Guy's voice: Close the door. G-go away. Prue: I just wanna talk. Guy's voice: Please, go away. (Prue closes the door and uses her power to remove the chain. She opens the door. She sees a guy crouched down across the room. He sees her and runs to the other side of the room.) Guy: No! Don't, don't, don't come any closer. Prue: Are you hurt? Guy: My head, it's exploding. The pain, you're letting it in. Prue: What pain? Guy: Everyone's pain, from the city, the streets. I feel it, I feel all of it. Prue: I won't hurt you. Guy: You are hurting me. Your pity. It's like razors inside. Prue: Please... (She walks closer and he grabs his jaw.) I can... Guy: Ohh, your tooth. I feel your tooth. All your pain. I can't stand it. Why didn't you just go when I asked? Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Living room. Leo and Piper are there.] Leo: I-I just can't believe you introduced me as a friend. Piper: Okay, social malfunction. I hadn't seen the woman in years. I'm sorry. Leo: I lost my wings for you, I've hurled my body in the path of oncoming demons, you wanted heaven, I took you there literally. I'm more than a friend. Piper: I know, but if I had introduced you as my fiancé, she would've asked how we met, when are we getting married, where the hell my ring is. Questions that I can't answer now can I? Leo: I suppose that's how I became a doctor too. Piper: Leo, that's what you were. Look, what am I supposed to tell people? That's I'm engaged to a Whitelighter? Sometimes being magical kind of takes the magic right out of things. Leo: I'm sorry you feel that way. Piper: Oh, come on. Don't you sometimes? Every now and then I just wanna feel what it's like to live in the real world. (Prue and Cole walk in the living room.) Prue: Hey. Piper: What are you two doing together? Prue: Uh, Cole pulled up behind me. Cole: Good timing. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Hey, look, my lunch date. Cole: Sorry I'm late but I got held up on the case. You look amazing. Phoebe: It's all part of my master plan. Prue: Uh, Phoebe, I wanted to talk to you about the signs... uh, the assignment that we were talking about on the phone. Phoebe: Where did it lead? Prue: To this incredibly tragic guy who's scared to leave his own home, which might be okay if it weren't about to be torn down. Cole: Was there a social worker there? Prue: No, but I was told that a deputy was going over there this afternoon to evict him and he has no place to go. Cole: Let me, um, make a call, see what I can do. Piper: Kitchen. Cole: Thank you. [Cut to the kitchen. Cole walks in and picks up the phone. He dials a number. His shadow moves away from him.] Cole: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going? (His shadow puts his hands on his hips.) We agreed no more triad reports, not until my plan succeeds. I can't be associated with anymore failed attempts. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey. (She walks past the shadow.) I just need some aspirin. Prue has a toothache. (She gets the aspirin out of the cupboard.) Water. (She gets a bottle of water out of the fridge. She walks over to Cole.) You okay? (She kisses him.) Cole: Yeah, yeah, I just got disconnected. (Phoebe leaves the room.) Prue followed my signs. The plan will work. If it doesn't, then you can rat me out to the triad. (His shadow bows his head and walks back in place.) [Cut back to the living room.] Leo: Based on everything you said, Prue, it sounds like your shut-in's a future empath. Piper: An empath? And me without my dictionary. Leo: They're mortals who can actually feel what other people feel. It's a rare gift. When they die they often return to earth as empaths. Where they blend into society as councilors, elders, teachers. They use their sensitivity to guide mortals, ease their pain, even heal them. Prue: No, I don't think this guy would look at it as a gift. He's one big wrong nerve ending. You should've seen how he reacted to my toothache. Leo: Well, it could be he's rejecting his gift. Fighting the emotions he feels instead of embracing them. Piper: Well, he sure sounds like an innocent to me. Leo: It'd be a shame to lose a future empath and all the good it'll do. Prue: I couldn't care less about his after life then his current one. I know what it's like to receive a power that you just do not understand. Phoebe: What I don't understand is who sent the signs that you followed. Leo: It's hard to say. Could be them, could be... Piper: Cole. (Cole walks in.) Cole: I got a guy at housing authority who will relocate your shut-in, if he leaves voluntarily. (He writes a number on a card and hands it to Prue.) Here's my card. Have him page me. Prue: Thanks. Alright. Piper: Uh, Prue, do you want us to go with you? Prue: No, this guy can barely deal with one person let alone three, but thank you. (Prue leaves.) Cole: Okay then, ready for lunch? Phoebe: Mmm. Leo: Lunch would be great. Would you mind if we join you? I mean, it'd be great. Two couples, on the town, in the real world. What could be greater? Cole: (to Phoebe) It's up to you. Phoebe: Why not. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Crest Hills Psychiatric Hospital. An elderly man is sitting in a chair reading the newspaper. Father Thomas is standing next to him looking out the window. He glances over the man's shoulder and sees an article on the newspaper.] Father Thomas: No. (He runs over to the nurse.) I have to get out. Nurse: It's okay, Father Thomas, relax. Father Thomas: No, you don't understand, they're tearing it down, I have to get there. Nurse: Hold on now. (A male nurse grabs Father Thomas.) Father Thomas: No, please, let me go. I have to get to the building. I must protect the innocent. Nurse: A little help here. [Scene: At the building. Prue is there. A deputy won't let her back in.] Deputy: I'm sorry, ma'am. I know he's scared but I personally handed him a final eviction notice two weeks ago. Prue: Officer, please. Cole Turner, assistant district attorney, he knows the case and he wants to help but only if I can keep this guy out of jail. Deputy: You've got three minutes. Prue: Thank you. (She walks inside.) [Cut to inside. Prue uses her power and removes the door chain. She walks in.] Prue: Hello? (The guy is sitting on a mattress on the floor.) Hey. It's me again, Prue. Took a pain reliever for my tooth. The deputy downstairs told me that your name's Vince. What's your last name? Vince: Misery. Prue: Well, in that case would you like some company? Vince: That's not funny. Prue: Yeah, neither is your situation. Vince, you know that deputy's here to arrest you for civil disobedience. Vince: I'll die. If they put me in jail. Prue: I believe you. That's why I came back, to find you a new home. But you have to leave here with me now. Vince: I can't, I can't go outside. Prue: Vince, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to have a gift that you can't control, that you never asked for. And living with that is hard, really hard. Vince: Tell me what's hard. You avoided your pain and I feel it. Prue: Right, then let's talk about the blessings, three words that come with having that gift. I mean, you can't even begin to... Vince: Words, just empty words. You don't feel them in your heart, I know. You feel fear, panic, 'cause something's coming for you, something you're afraid you can't stop. Are these the blessings you want me to be thankful for? Prue: I'm sorry. Vince: Yes, you are. You are sorry. And confused and afraid and it's drowning me alive. (The deputy bangs on the door.) Deputy: Deputy, time's up, open the door. Vince: Can't you see this is not a gift. This is a curse, I am cursed. To feel everything all the time from everyone. I can't go outside that door. Not now, not ever. Deputy: I'm coming in. (Prue holds the door closed with her power.) Hey! Vince: How'd you do that? Prue: I was sent here to help you and that's what I'm gonna do. "Free the empath release his gift, (he holds her hand) let his pain be cast adrift." (She stops using her power and the door opens.) Deputy: What's the matter with you people? Prue: Sorry deputy, that door stuck on me too. He's ready now. Vince: But how? Prue: We'll talk later. Um, this is the DA. (She hands him the card.) Page him. He'll find a place for you to go. Vince: Thank you, You don't know what you just did for me. (Prue leaves.) Deputy: Let's get you out of this dump. (Vince walks over to the deputy.) What's the matter with you? Vince: Just wondering what you're feeling right now. Deptuy: Yeah, why's that? (Vince grabs him around the neck and the deputy's face starts to burn.) Vince: Because I can't feel a thing. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Restaurant. Piper, Leo, Phoebe and Cole are sitting at a table. They have finished lunch. No one is talking.] Phoebe: So how about those Niners? Cole: What? Phoebe: The Niners. The Forty Niners. The football team? You don't follow football? (Cole takes a mouthful of his drink.) He isn't human. (Cole chokes on his drink.) You okay? Cole: Cheque! (Piper and Phoebe look at each other.) Phoebe: Um, we're gonna be right back. (They walk away.) Piper: Phoebe, I know you're upset Leo crashed you're lunch date but... Phoebe: No, it's not that. Cole is pulling away from me again, I can see it. Piper: Premonition? Phoebe: Intuition. Piper: Oh... [Cut back to the guys.] Leo: Look, Cole, before the girls get back, I need to tell you something. Cole: Do I have spinach in my teeth? Leo: Huh? Oh, no, no, it has to do with Phoebe. Um, I just feel very protective of her, we all do. You know, she's a sweet... she's been through a lot, a lot of loss. Cole: I sensed that. Leo: Well, she's into you, I can tell. Whatever your intentions are I just want you to be straight with her, okay. I don't wanna see her get hurt. Cole: Heaven forbid. (Phoebe and Piper come back over to the table.) Phoebe: What did we miss? Cole: Leo was just giving me investment advice. Piper: He was? Cole: Yeah. Piper: Really? (The waitress hands Cole the cheque.) Cole: Oh. (to Leo) Why don't we split this? (Leo reaches into his pocket.) Piper: Oh, honey, did you forget your wallet again? Leo: I guess so. Piper: I got it. (Piper gets out her credit card and hands it to the waitress. Cole's pager beeps. He looks at it.) Cole: I have to take this. Forgive me. (He leaves the table.) [Cut to Vince's building. Cole appears.] Vince: Belthazor. Cole: I got your page. Vince: I owe you for sending me the witch. It went down just like you said. Thanks. Cole: You made physical contact during the spell. Vince: I could feel the empathic cancer passed out of me and right into her. How did you know that would happen? Cole: That's how you got it isn't it? How long does she have? Vince: She's mortal. She won't be able to fight it like a demon can. I give her a day until the weight of human emotion crushes her. You'll enjoy watching it. Cole: I'll be out of town. I don't need to see the other two suffer the loss of their sister. Vince: Compassion. From you, Belthazor? I think maybe you've been undercover a little too long. Cole: Not your concern. Vince: True. My only concern is the empath who cursed me, Father Thomas. And I know just where to track him down. (Cole grabs Vince and pushes him against the wall.) Cole: No, I can't risk the witches finding you and reversing their magic. Vince: You've forget who I was before I was an empath, Belthazor. I'm immune to their powers. Cole: Maybe, but you're not immune to mine. Vince: Understood. [Scene: Dentist surgery. Prue is there talking to the receptionist. There is a couple standing behind her cuddling and making googly eyes at each other.] Prue: Look, I am really sorry that I missed my appointment this morning, okay, but-but I-I couldn't get out of work. Is there any way that Dr. Timmons can fit me in? Receptionist: We are pretty booked up. Prue: Alright, but my tooth kills. I really need to-- (The guy pinches the girls butt and Prue feels it. She gasps and turns around.) Receptionist: Are you okay, Miss Halliwell? Prue: Yeah, uh, that was my tooth. I'm having a really, really bad day because it hurts a lot. Receptionist: Let me see if I can do anything. Prue: Thanks. I mean, I really appreciate it. (Prue starts to laugh.) I'm so sorry, I don't... My tooth has been hurting for a long... (she bursts out laughing.) Why aren't you guys laughing? (Another receptionist opens the door to a room and a woman is in there laughing her head off.) Dentist: That's just the nitrisoxide, Mrs. Freeman. Prue: Nitrisoxide, laughing gas? Uhh. Receptionist: The best I could do is fit you in at 4:15. Prue: No, no, no, no, that's okay. I have to go. (She walks past the guy and pinches his butt. The girl pushes him.) [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe and Cole are there. Phoebe opens the door but then closes it.] Phoebe: Uh, you know what? Is there something wrong? Cole: No. Phoebe: It's just you haven't said anything since we left the restaurant. Cole: A lot on my mind, I guess. Phoebe: Work? Cole: Yeah, sort of. I don't know how to say this. Phoebe: Uh-oh. Don't ever start a sentence like that with a girl. You don't wanna see me anymore do you? Right, I'll never accept a lunch date. Cole: It's got nothing to do with you. I mean, you know how I feel about you. Phoebe: I don't understand. I think that I deserve to know. Cole: I promise you'll understand soon. Maybe more then you'll want to. (He opens the door. Prue walks up the stairs. Cole walks past her and she stops.) Prue: Ohh... (Prue closes the door.) Phoebe: Are you okay? Prue: Whoa, I haven't felt anything like that since Andy was alive. Phoebe: Anything like what? Prue: Spinning into infinity. You know, that head long spiral that steals your breath and stops your heart. Phoebe: Prue, what the hell are you talking about? Prue: Falling in love. Phoebe: Falling in love? Prue, I just got dumped, okay, I'm trying to experience a break up here. Who's falling in love? Prue: Cole. Phoebe: Okay, you're so off track. Prue: Oh! Oh! Wait, I felt that too. Your heart just jumped and I felt it. You're falling in love too. (Prue grins. Phoebe and Prue walk into the kitchen where Leo and Piper are.) Phoebe: We've got a problem. Prue cast a spell to remove Vince's pain. Piper: Who's Vince? Phoebe: The shut-in. But I think, and call it a hunch, that it backfired and made Prue an empath. Leo: What kind of hunch? (Phoebe pinches Piper and Prue feels it too.) Prue/Piper: Ow! (Piper pinches Phoebe.) Prue/Phoebe: Ooh! Piper: Uh-oh. Prue: Oh, okay, I don't really know how it happened. Alright, all I was trying to do was help an innocent. What is that I'm feeling? (to Leo) You. You're feeling fear. Spill it. Leo: I-I'm afraid that you're in danger. You weren't meant to receive this gift, you can't handle it. Prue: No, okay, you're looking at it all wrong. Okay, I was guided to Vince, remember? Maybe I was meant to have this gift. Piper: But Prue, you're not an empath, you're just a witch. Prue: Right, A witch who's power comes from her emotions. Alright, look. I-I-I was looking for a power boost to fight Belthazor, maybe this is it. Will you guys please stop being so negative? Phoebe: We didn't say anything. Prue: Yeah, but I can feel all of your-- (The TV in the kitchen blows up. Piper screams.) Leo: What was that? Prue: I think I did it. It's just all your doubts are screaming in my head. I-I've gotta get control of this. Phoebe: In the Book Of Shadows, maybe there's something about empaths. (Phoebe starts to leave.) Prue: Where are you going? Phoebe: To help you. Prue: Yeah, but you're dying to see Cole. Phoebe: Stop that. I did not say that. Prue: Phoebe, go to him. Alright, tell him what's in your heart. I think you'll find him receptive. Phoebe: Prue, I can't, I need to stay here with you. Do you really think he'll be receptive? Prue: Yes. Now go get your man. He wants you. (Phoebe hugs her and leaves. Prue, Piper and Leo walk out of the kitchen.) Leo: We'll help you out. Prue: No, no, no, I'll get the book alone. You guys' couple issues are really starting to hurt my head. Piper: Wait, we have couple issues? Prue: (points to Leo) Resentment, (points to Piper) denial. Be nice. (She goes upstairs.) Piper: Uh, Leo, what is it exactly that you resent? Leo: Well, I tried to step out in the real world today like you wanted. Piper: Yes, and I appreciated your subtle yet effective lunch invitation. Leo: I-I was humiliated. Piper: When? Leo: When? When the bill came. You know, Piper, in my time men opened doors for women when they walked in and they stood up when they left and they always, always paid for meals. Piper: I just assumed that you were okay with it. Leo: I'm not. Piper: Well, then you should've said something. (They walk in the living room.) Leo: Piper, you want me in the real world but I'm not of this world. Piper: I know, and I'm, I see your point. I'm sorry I didn't understand. (They sit on the couch.) I know this must be very difficult for you. Leo: It is. Piper: Leo, you have to understand I am very proud to be with you. And so proud that I need to share you with the rest of the world, my world. And you know, the other stuff we'll figure out. (They kiss.) Prue: (from upstairs) Not now, I have a headache. (They stop and look at each other.) [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole's there packing a suitcase. There's a knock on the door. He answers it.] Cole: Phoebe, what are you doing here? Phoebe: I, um, I came to tell you something. Actually... (She kisses him passionately.) I was always better at show then tell. (They continue kissing. He picks her up and she wraps her legs around his waist. They lean against the door.) Cole: You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Phoebe: Neither do you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cole's apartment. The next morning. Cole and Phoebe are in bed. Phoebe is asleep. Cole touches her hair and she wakes up.] Cole: Morning. Phoebe: Good morning. Cole: How you feeling about last night? Phoebe: Um, last night was magical. You? Cole: What do you think? (Cole tickles Phoebe and they laugh.) Phoebe: Right here, right now, this place, it's perfect. I wish the whole world were just right in this room. Cole: Then we won't have to worry about what happened next. (Phoebe sees his suitcase.) Phoebe: Are you going someplace? Cole: Maybe. I'm not sure yet. Phoebe: You know, if you're hiding anything from me, you don't have to hide anything from me. Cole: What makes you think I'm hiding something? Phoebe: Hmm, for the same reason I know how you really feel about me. If you're in some kind of trouble... Cole: I can handle it. Phoebe: I can help you. Cole: No, you can't. (They kiss.) I have to go. (He sits up.) Phoebe: Am I gonna see you again? Cole: One way or another. [Scene: A church. Vince is there. He pushes a woman against the wall.] Vince: Where did Father Thomas go? Woman: Crest Hills. It's a psychiatric hospital. Vince: If I were capable of feelings I might enjoy the irony of that. What happened to the good Father? Pray tell. Woman: Nervous breakdown. Three years ago. Something about losing his gift to help others. Vince: Well, he might wanna worry about who's gonna help him and kill you. (He grabs her around the neck and her face burns.) [Scene: Manor. Prue is crouched down in the basement holding her head. She can feel everyone's pain. Piper and Leo come down the stairs.] Piper: Prue? What's the matter? What are you doing in the basement? (Prue stands up. She has tears in her eyes.) Prue: I'm just trying to escape the emotions, they're-they're-they're everywhere. I can't get away. Leo: What do you mean? Prue: It's not just you and Piper, I-I-I'm picking up things from other peoples houses. They're, this people and they're in my head and they're in my heart and it just hurts. (Piper moves towards her and Prue backs into a corner.) No, just stay away, Piper, no contact. Piper: Okay. (Prue sits in the corner and cries.) Prue: God, it is just so hard to concentrate, to even talk, I just want it to go away. I feel like it's gonna-- (The light breaks and the roof of the basement cracks.) Piper: What was that? Leo: Empathic ability. The more she feels, the more powerful she becomes. Piper: Alright, this is a gift, we are returning it. It was not meant for you. Come on, we're gonna find this Vince guy. Come on. (They help her up.) I know, I know, you're gonna be okay. [Scene: The building. Police are there. Piper and Leo wait outside for Phoebe. A cab pulls up and Phoebe gets out.] Piper: Phoebe, where were you when we called? Phoebe: Cole's. Piper: You could've changed. All night? Phoebe: Mmm hmm. Piper: Did you...? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Piper: Was he...? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Leo: Okay, can we talk about this later? Phoebe: Yeah, where's Prue? Piper: Waiting in the car. (The paramedics push a stretcher with a body on it past them.) Phoebe: Oh, this does not look good. [Time lapse. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are walking up the stairs.] Phoebe: Cole said that Vince never called. Piper: I'm starting to smell a demon. Leo: If you're right, it would explain why the empathic gift didn't kill him. Piper: I think we should stop calling this a gift. Phoebe: Okay, so how did the demon, formally known as Vince, become empathic anyway? Leo: Well, I'm guessing he got the power from a true empath. It would act like a curse on the demon, make him feel the pain that he inflicts. (They walk in the room and Phoebe has a premonition of Vince killing people.) Piper: Phoebe? Okay, come on. (They walk back outside.) Phoebe: Okay, we're definitely right about the demon theory. Piper: That was a premonition? But you didn't touch anything. Leo: This room must be dripping with psychic remnants. Piper: Well, what did you see? Phoebe: Uh, murders and lots of them. Like a big demon killing spree. Piper: Just random? Phoebe: No, more like a mission. Leo: Could be he's looking for revenge on the empath who cursed him. Piper: Well, if we're gonna help Prue, then we gotta get there first. What was the last murder you saw? Phoebe: A man at a mental hospital. Crest Hills. But I don't know if it happened already. Piper: Well, there's only one way to find out. [Scene: Crest Hills Psychiatric Hospital. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there.] Nurse: And who are you here to visit today? Phoebe: Um, we came to visit our father. Nurse: What's his name? Phoebe: Dad? Nurse: This is a psychiatric facility. We can't very well let every-- Piper: Okay. (Piper freezes her.) Leo: (to Prue) This place is a mine field for you, you should wait here. Prue: No, if Vince comes in I need to be there to reverse the spell. (They walk into a room where all the patients are.) Phoebe: That looks like the guy from my premonition. (Leo sits Prue down on a chair. Phoebe and Piper go over to Father Thomas.) Hi, excuse me, um, I know this is probably gonna sound crazy but are you an empath? Father Thomas: You people don't have to humour me, you know. I know you don't believe me. Piper: No, uh, we're not doctors, we're patients, we're, we're witches. And we're looking for the empath who cursed a demon. Father Thomas: I was working as a priest, helping people when it came after me. Piper: You mean Vince? Father Thomas: Is that what it calls itself? Vinceres is a demonic assassin. Timeless, unstoppable. Piper: But you stopped him. How? Father Thomas: When the demon took my throat to kill me, I laid my hands on him as if to heal him. Phoebe: And you gave him your power. Father Thomas: Yes, I didn't know if I could but I did. I cursed Vinceres and myself. Piper: How did you curse yourself? Father Thomas: I'm staring at eternity on earth with no gift and no reason to be. Piper: Well, I can't help you with the eternity part but I can give you a reason to be now. Father Thomas: Yeah, I know, I know, I read the paper. We have to get to that building and safely relocate the demon. Phoebe: Uh, it's funny you should mention that because when Prue met Vinceres she thought that he was a shut-in and... Father Thomas: You didn't cast a spell? Piper: She did but... Father Thomas: I gave up everything to prevent that beast from killing again. If it's free you can't stop it. (Prue feels his anger and furniture starts to move.) Nobody can. (The whole room starts shaking and the patients run around.) Patient #1: I can't take it! Patient #2: In the walls! Can't you hear it? (Prue grabs her head in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Basement. Prue's crouched down in the corner shaking. Leo's sitting on the stairs watching her.] [Cut to the conservatory. Piper, Phoebe and Father Thomas are there. They have found Vinceres in the Book Of Shadows.] Piper: Here he is, Vinceres. Pretty much lives up to his gloss. Unstoppable hit man, just keeps going until he gets his target. Phoebe: Great. The energizer demon. So what do we do? Father Thomas: Nothing. There's nothing you can do. It will find us and when it does we're all dead. Piper: Well, you're just a ray of sunshine now aren't you? (Leo walks in.) Hey, anything? Leo: No, she won't say a word. Piper: We've gotta snap Prue outta this or else she won't be able to reverse the spell when the demon attacks. Father Thomas: You can't reverse the spell. Vinceres is immune to witches magic. Phoebe: Hold on, Prue's spell worked. Father Thomas: That's because the demon allowed it to work. To its own advantage. You'll find your spells useless now. Phoebe: Maybe we actually don't need to reverse the spell. Leo: What are you thinking? Phoebe: Well, Prue's getting hit by emotions, all emotions and he powers are tied to these emotions. So maybe if she can figure out a way to channel them, then she'd be pretty unstoppable herself don't you think? Leo: Is that possible? Father Thomas: From what I've seen your sister is too far gone. She won't live to see the night. Piper: Alright, that's it! Leo: Piper... Piper: No. I am sorry, but this man has experienced the entire rainbow of human emotions and the best he has to give us her is self pity? I don't think so. Look, you used this power to stop this demon. Now my sister has your power. Deal with it and then help us. [Cut to the attic. Prue is still crouched down in the corner. Father Thomas and Leo walk down the stairs.] Prue: Go away! Father Thomas: I know how you feel. Your instinct is to pull away. Don't. Try to find an inner calm. Prue: I can't. The pain. Father Thomas: You're carrying a cross you were never meant to bear. I'm sorry. Prue: Your sorrow, I can't, I can't take it. Please... Father Thomas: You've been fighting what you feel, that's natural and it's wrong. To find your strength as an empath, you must embrace your emotion. Focus on me, the feelings are ripping you apart because you're fighting them like the demon did. A demon can't handle human emotions, you can. [Cut to the foyer. The door flies open and Vinceres walks in.] Vinceres: Anybody home? Phoebe: Piper, now! (Piper freezes him but he fights through it.) Okay, I guess this is the unstoppable part. Vinceres: Where's Father Thomas? Piper: Plan B, plan B! (Piper picks up a vase and smashes it over his head. He pushes her across the room. Phoebe kicks him in the head. He knocks over a table. Phoebe kicks him a few more times and he grabs her and throws her across the room.) Phoebe: Okay, uh, do we have a plan C? Piper: Uh, whoa. (She tries to freeze him again.) Leo, hurry! [Cut back to the basement.] Father Thomas: Prue, take my hand. (She does so.) My power to ease you in suffering lay in my hands. That's how I cursed the demon. You must channel the empathic gift into your power. Prue: I can't. I can't control my power. Father Thomas: Prue, you can do it. You have a once in a life time opportunity to feel the world's emotions. All it means to be human. The good and the bad. Don't be afraid. [Cut back upstairs. Vinceres has Phoebe by the throat.] Vinceres: Just tell me where the empath is and I won't kill you. (Prue, Leo and Father Thomas walk in.] Prue: You want him? Come and get him. (She uses her power and he flies against the wall.) Vinceres: How'd you do that? Prue: If you want the empath, you're gonna have to go through me. (to Piper and Phoebe) Stay back. This is my fight. (Prue jumps up and kicks him. She blocks his punches. She holds onto the stair railing, walks on the wall and jumps over the railing, kicking Vince in the face.) Vince: You can't hurt me, witch. I can handle your powers. (He grabs her around the neck and lifts her off the ground. She forces his hand away from her neck and flips over him. She blocks his punches and pushes him on the floor.) I can handle your powers. Prue: What about pain? Human pain? (She astral projects and astral Prue jumps into him. He starts yelling and then explodes. Prue looks at astral Prue and astral Prue smiles.) The voices are gone. (Piper and Phoebe go over to her.) Phoebe: So you're not an empath anymore. Prue: (to Father Thomas) I'm sorry. I was hoping that we could return your gift. Father Thomas: But you did. It appears I have the ability to understand what people are feeling even without a magic assist. Phoebe: You kicked ass. Prue: I did didn't I? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Idol is playing. Prue and Phoebe walk up to the bar. Piper's there.] Prue: Hey. Piper: Hey. Prue: You know, I can not wait for this Anovacane to wear off. (She sticks out her tongue.) Can you unfreeze my tongue? Piper: You're lucky that dentist even saw you. Phoebe: Okay, there's one thing I don't get. How did you vanquish Vinceres? Prue: Well, it was something that Father Thomas said to me. Vinceres was trying to fight off the feelings of an empath because demons can not handle human emotion. Phoebe: And so you astral projected into his body. Prue: Yes, carrying the emotional baggage of half of the city. I forced him to feel and he couldn't take it. (Leo comes up to them.) Leo: Hey. Prue: Hey. Leo: I just left Father Thomas. Got the connections of the -----. They're gonna let him return to his church. Piper: Thank you. You're an angel. Leo: Well, not technically. Prue: Eww. Phoebe: So I guess the only other question is who sent the signs that lead Prue to the demon? Prue: Well, probably the triad. Or Belthazor, which means we have to be careful the next time we get a sign. Piper: Yeah, but Prue, you got quite a power boost there. Are you gonna miss it? Prue: Yeah, but I did get to stop an unstoppable demon. Got a little taste of what my future powers are gonna be like. I'm on the right path. Ooh, speaking of paths... what's up with you and your Cole dependencies? Where do you guys stand? Phoebe: Ohh, I have no idea. I think I'm gonna go find out right now. Yeah. [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole opens his door and Phoebe is standing there.] Cole: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. I half expected not to find you here. Cole: Yeah? Well, an associate of mine didn't do what he was told so I've still got work to do here. Phoebe: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Cole: Both. (They hug.)
Plan: A: Cole; Q: Who laid out the signs for Prue to follow? A: a seemingly innocent shut-in, Vinceres; Q: Who does Prue come into contact with? A: Vinceres; Q: Who is the shut-in Prue comes into contact with? A: his apartment; Q: What is Vinceres refusing to leave? A: unendurable pain; Q: What is Vinceres facing? A: the city; Q: Vinceres is able to feel all of the emotions of what? A: an Empath; Q: What is Vinceres's power? A: a spell; Q: What does Prue cast to relieve Vinceres of his power? A: a curse; Q: What is Vinceres' power supposed to serve as? A: the pain Vinceres; Q: What does Prue intensify by astral-projecting into Vinceres' body? Summary: Unwittingly following the signs laid out by Cole, Prue comes into contact with a seemingly innocent shut-in, Vinceres, who refuses to leave his apartment that is about to be demolished. The man is faced with unendurable pain caused by his ability of feeling all of the emotions of the city. After learning the man is an Empath, she casts a spell to relieve him of his power, but it is transferred to her. Prue is later told he is a demon given this power to serve as a curse, causing him the inability to prey on witches or innocents. She nearly goes insane from bearing this gift that she was not meant to have. But Prue eventually overcomes it, intensifying the pain Vinceres felt by finally astral-projecting into his body and destroying him.
THE DÆMONS BY: GUY LEOPOLD 6:10pm - 6:35pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (JO watches in horror.) MASTER: Atanee Bmaltlttiladahy ram! (He raises the dagger. JO has seen enough and runs forward.) JO: No! Stop it! It's evil - don't you see that? It's evil! MASTER: You are too late, my dear! Eko, eko, Azal! COVEN: Eko, eko, Azal! (A cold wind starts to blow through the cavern. The air turns red and the MASTER holds his arms aloft, laughing. A rumble sounds behind them and the MASTER and JO spin round and look down at the painted stone on the floor of the back of the cavern behind them. From it, a creature growing in size appears and steps forward turning round to face the group as it continues to grow to an enormous height. With cloven feet, the legs of an animal, horns on its head and a cruel face with a slavering mouth made up of sharp pointed teeth, AZAL is the epitome of the devil!) MASTER: (Laughs.) Azal! (JO looks up in horror as AZAL reaches its full height. The Dæmon has made its final appearance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The BRIGADIER lowers his binoculars after observing the latest disturbance over at the village. SGT. OSGOOD walks past with a length of cable in his hands.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The last appearance, that's what the Doctor said. SGT. OSGOOD: Well, I'm working as fast as I can. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, it doesn't seem to be fast enough. You have five minutes, sergeant. (OSGOOD fixes the cable to one of the metal supports in the ground. The BRIGADIER calls out to the other troops.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right - we're on our way in five minutes! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The DOCTOR, BENTON and the villagers pick themselves up off the ground from where they were flung by the latest manifestation of the Dæmon. BERT is immediately grabbed again to stop him running off by two of the village men.) MISS HAWTHORNE: The third appearance. SERGEANT BENTON: In the cavern. DOCTOR: Well where else? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, we'd better get over there, hasn't we? (He starts to walk towards the church but...) DOCTOR: Wait - all of you! BERT THE LANDLORD: (Mocking.) See? This chap's frightened! DOCTOR: Well, of course I'm frightened. So should you be - and your friend Mr. Magister. (The villagers look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The MASTER is glowing and exultant.) MASTER: Azal, welcome! (JO runs over to MIKE who has his pistol in his hands.) MASTER: Bok, stop them! (BOK jumps off his plinth. As two of the coven grab JO, MIKE fires a couple of shots at the gargoyle but does not damage to it. The little stone creature raises a hand and a bolt of fire shoots out, vaporising MIKE'S pistol. He immediately raises his hands in surrender. The MASTER walks forward.) MASTER: You are very wise, Captain. (To the two coven members.) Prepare the girl in the ceremonial tabard. She will make a welcome addition to this sabbat. (The two men start to drag JO away.) JO: No, please! Don't let me go! Mike, help me please! No, let me go! (MIKE tries to run after them but two other coven members run forward and drag him back. JO is pulled up a small spiral staircase at the back of the cavern as MIKE is knocked to the ground and dragged out of the cavern up to the vestry.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (There, somewhat concussed, he is held face down on the ground whilst his hands are tied behind his back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (On the green, the DOCTOR addresses the villagers.) DOCTOR: Now we're facing the greatest danger the world has ever known. Now look, I've got to tell you the truth. MISS HAWTHORNE: (Whispers.) Doctor, no! DOCTOR: (Whispers.) I've got to risk it! THORPE: (Puzzled.) What are you talking about? DOCTOR: I'm not a magician or a wizard or anything of the sort. BERT THE LANDLORD: See! I told you! DOCTOR: But neither is the Master. I've tricked you - yes, but only to save you from him. BERT THE LANDLORD: To save your own life, you mean. DOCTOR: Yes, of course, that too. (BERT is amazed at this confession and calls out to his neighbours and captors.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Wha...? Well, there you are! Do you hear, the lot of you? He admits it! THORPE: Just pipe down for two minutes, Bert. BERT THE LANDLORD: But you heard him! THORPE: Shut up! We want to hear what he's got to say. (The villagers mutter but MISS HAWTHORNE is also puzzled.) MISS HAWTHORNE: But your car - how did you make it move by itself? DOCTOR: Science - not sorcery, Miss Hawthorne. Look. (He holds up the remote control for Bessie and presses it. The horn on the car honks twice to general astonishment from all the watchers.) VILLAGER: That's amazing! SERGEANT BENTON: I'll be blowed! DOCTOR: (To BERT.) And your Mr. Magister uses no more magic than that. (BERT, furious, pulls away from his captors and walks right up to the DOCTOR.) BERT THE LANDLORD: You're talking rubbish! The Master's a magician I tell you! DOCTOR: All his feats are based on science. Either ours or the secret science of the Dæmons. BERT THE LANDLORD: Well, there you are! That proves you're talking nonsense - how could he have called him up in the first place except by sorcery? DOCTOR: Well, he uses violent emotions - fear, hatred, greed. THORPE: How? DOCTOR: Well the emotions of a group of ordinary human beings generate a tremendous charge of psychokinetic energy. This the Master channels for his own purpose. MISS HAWTHORNE: But that is magic - that's precisely what black magic is! DOCTOR: No, Miss Hawthorne, I'm afraid not. MISS HAWTHORNE: Are you trying to tell me that the invocations, the...the rituals, even the sabbat itself are just so much window dressing? DOCTOR: No, no, no, of course not. No, they are essential to generate and control the physonic forces - and to control the Dæmon himself. SERGEANT BENTON: Look, shouldn't we get over there and sort this...Dæmon thing out? DOCTOR: How? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, I could get the men... (BENTON falters...) DOCTOR: Yes? SERGEANT BENTON: Well, we could... (He falls silent.) DOCTOR: Exactly - all we can do is wait. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, what for? DOCTOR: The energy exchanger. This machine that the Brigadier is building for me. With that I should be able to drain off our visitor's energy. Then perhaps we can sort him out! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The MASTER looks up to the towering form of the Dæmon.) MASTER: Azal, the time for decision draws near. Once more, I demand the power... (AZAL interrupts, his voice booming and echoing through the cavern.) AZAL: You demand?! MASTER: Yes, and why not? Who in the whole galaxy is not my inferior? There is not one creature! AZAL: Not even one?! MASTER: Not one! Save the last of the Dæmons. (JO is dragged back down the spiral staircase and back into the cavern. Instead of her brown corduroy trouser suit, she is now wearing a long pure white tabard.) JO: No, please, let me go! MASTER: Azal, accept this offering as a token of our fealty. As my will, so mote it be! (JO is dragged forward.) COVEN: As they will, so mote it be! MASTER: Eo evoheh, Azal! COVEN: Eo evoheh! Eo evoheh! Eo... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (MIKE comes round and, still tied up, struggles to his feet. He looks through the door to the cavern and then makes for the other door to the outside and freedom.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (Once outside, he yells across the churchyard to the village green.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Doctor! (He runs full pace out of the churchyard.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Doctor! (The DOCTOR starts running across the green to meet him. BENTON indicates BERT to the village men.) SERGEANT BENTON: Hold him. (As BERT is secured again, BENTON races after the DOCTOR. The other villagers, including MISS HAWTHORNE, THORPE, BERT and his captors follow. The DOCTOR meets YATES half way across the green. BENTON runs up and immediately starts to untie him.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Doctor! Doctor, it's Jo! DOCTOR: Jo? I thought she was still in the pub? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: They've got her in the cavern. DOCTOR: What?! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: That creature's in there. The Master calls him Azal. MISS HAWTHORNE: Azal? Of course - Azael, the fallen angel! DOCTOR: (To BENTON.) Walkie-talkie. (BENTON hands him his radio and the DOCTOR extracts its aerial and switches it on.) DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Hello, Brigadier? Are you there? [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Is that you, Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) Over. DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Look, they've got Jo. That machine must come through now! Now, do you understand?! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Now! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) We're on our way, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Good, and put a watch up on that barrow, will you? Just in case the Dæmon's ship reactivates. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Will do, Doctor. Over and out. (The BRIGADIER slams home the aerial and walks over to OSGOOD in the jeep.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You heard him, Sergeant - now. SGT. OSGOOD: I need... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupting angrily.) That's an order, Sergeant - now! (Unhappily, OSGOOD switches on the machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The DOCTOR retracts his aerial and whispers urgently to himself.) DOCTOR: Come on, Brigadier. Get a move on. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (Members of the coven clear the altar of its ceremonial paraphernalia as the MASTER talks to a firmly held JO.) MASTER: I'm sorry, Miss Grant. But you are to be sacrificed to a noble cause. JO: No...no! (She looks pleadingly at her captors.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The power from the machine carries through the cables which lie across the road. The troops run to the vehicles in preparation for their entry to the village as OSGOOD, in the back of the jeep, increases the power. Smoke starts to come out of the machine.) SGT. OSGOOD: It'll never take it, I tell you! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It must! Keep trying. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The DOCTOR directs the villagers in preparation for the machine taking its effect and their assault on the church.) DOCTOR: Right, now some of you - that way, but spread out. The rest of you, follow me! (One group moves to the side whilst the DOCTOR'S group, including the secured BERT move off towards the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (A Coven member runs in from the vestry.) COVEN MEMBER: Mr. Magister - they're coming, they're coming! JO: Doctor, help...! (JO is silenced by a hand over her mouth as the MASTER signals to BOK. The gargoyle scuttles out of the cavern.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (As it appears, roaring and screeching on the steps leading to the churchyard, the villagers scatter in fright. BENTON reaches for his gun.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Right, Benton. You keep us covered. We'll get in round the back. DOCTOR: No, we must wait for the Brigadier. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: And what about Jo? DOCTOR: We won't help her by committing suicide. (BERT manages to struggle free from THORPE and another villager.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Mr. Magister! Magister! (He runs towards the churchyard and BOK but the gargoyle does not differentiate BERT from the rest of the villagers and raises a stone arm. BERT sees what is happening and halts.) BERT THE LANDLORD: N...no, no, a friend...I'm a friend! (BOK shoots out a bolt of fire and BERT disappears in a puff of smoke.) DOCTOR: (To YATES and BENTON.) You see? (Into radio.) What's going on, Brigadier? [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) You must hurry! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) We're up to the maximum now Doctor, and it's still no good. DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) You'll have to use the booster. (SGT. OSGOOD, still with the smoking machine in the back of the jeep, overhears this.) SGT. OSGOOD: If you do, sir, she'll blow us all sky high! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) We're coming through, Doctor, over and out. (The BRIGADIER turns to OSGOOD.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Booster on! SGT. OSGOOD: Sir... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupting.) Damn it, man, get on with it! (OSGOOD hesitates. The BRIGADIER walks over and slams shut a lever on a part of the machine labelled "BOOST". The tone of the machine starts to race away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The MASTER picks up the sacrificial dagger in its jewelled scabbard from the altar.) MASTER: All mighty Azal, in the name of Atame, I dedicate this offering! (He holds the dagger over his head and pulls the blade from the scabbard. One of the coven members who is holding JO panics at this.) JONES: No, no, Magister, it's not right! MASTER: To do my will shall be the whole of the law! (The coven members are hesitant and somewhat reluctant in their response.) COVEN: To do thy will, shall be the whole of the law. JONES: It's not right, I tell you! MASTER: (Shouts.) Obey me! [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (A huge amount of smoke is now pouring from the machine. The BRIGADIER looks towards the heat barrier.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Look, it's working! (A shimmering half-circular archway appears in the centre of the barrier. The BRIGADIER walks up to it and sticks his swagger stick into the arch. Smoke comes out of it. He turns to his troops.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, it's still hot - but passable. Right, follow up and keep to the tunnel! (He gets into his staff car and it drives through the hole in the barrier. A UNIT jeep follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN MASTER: (To the coven.) Obey me. (He points to the altar and the coven members start to place JO on it. Suddenly, AZAL starts to feel the effects of the machine. He groans out loud and grasps his head in pain. His cries grow louder as he starts to stagger on the spot.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The DOCTOR is on the radio again while YATES, gun aimed, and BENTON keep their eyes on BOK.) DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Look, what's going on, Brigadier? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) We're through, Doctor, over. DOCTOR: (Into radio.) What, all of you? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) Yes, but not the machine. DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Well that should have come through first. (BENTON points.) SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor, look! (Like its creator, BOK starts to stagger on the spot.) DOCTOR: The exchanger - it's working. It's bleeding off the energy. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The BRIGADIER has come out of his staff car and runs up towards the barrier. OSGOOD, still on the other side of the barrier, is out of his jeep and disconnecting the power cables.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Come on, man! Bring it through! Get a move on! SGT. OSGOOD: Sir! (OSGOOD runs back into the jeep and shouts at the driver.) SGT. OSGOOD: Right, Jenkins. (The jeep drives through the barrier. The BRIGADIER extends the aerial on his radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) You can stop worrying, Doctor - we're through. DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Well, about time too. Now get it over here fast! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right. (OSGOOD'S jeep screeches to a halt. The whine from the machine is at an intense pitch.) SGT. OSGOOD: (Shouts.) Sir! Sir, I can't stop it - it's running away! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Shouts.) Osgood, out of it! Get down, all of you! (The two soldiers in the front of the smoke filled jeep need no further encouragement and run out of the vehicle. OSGOOD hesitates, still trying to control the machine.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Shouts.) Osgood, get down man! (OSGOOD runs out of the jeep - just before the machine explodes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The explosion is heard in the village.) DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Brigadier? (There is no reply.) DOCTOR: (Into radio.) Brigadier, are you all right? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) The machine's gone west - blown itself up. Be with you right away, over and out. (The DOCTOR angrily slams the aerial home.) DOCTOR: A fat lot of good that'll do! (He looks towards the church.) DOCTOR: Right, keep the others back, Captain Yates, I'm going in before that creature recovers. (He starts heading towards the gate.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: I'll come with you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Alone! (He heads off. THORPE shouts after him.) THORPE: You can't go in now, sir. You said yourself it will be suicide! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Doctor, wait! (At the churchyard gate, BOK is still staggering but is slowly starting to recover. The DOCTOR runs past him, pulling the gate shut behind him. BOK recovers sufficiently to go after him. The creature pulls the gate open and sees the DOCTOR running for the vestry door. BOK fires...) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (But the DOCTOR has made it into the building and shuts the heavy oaken door on the explosion of BOK'S firebolt. He then races through the opposite door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (...and into the cavern...) MASTER: Ah, Doctor, I've been expecting you. (...where the sight of the towering Dæmon stops him in his tracks. He stares up in amazement at the creature.) MASTER: You've saved me a lot of trouble by coming here. I'm most grateful to you. (The DOCTOR walks up to the altar.) DOCTOR: Hello, Jo. I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you. MASTER: (Sarcastically.) How very touching! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The UNIT convoy sweeps into the village. The BRIGADIER gets out of his staff car and YATES goes over to meet him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Where's the Doctor? (YATES nods at the church.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Gone in there, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Then what are we waiting for? Let's get after him. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Wait sir, look. (He points towards the gargoyle which twitches and sniffs at these new arrivals.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What the blazes is that? Some kind of ornament? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Not exactly, sir. (He looks round for an object to throw at BOK and sees a rock near his feet. He picks it up.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Watch. (YATES throws the rock towards BOK who instantly shoots a bolt of fire at it, destroying it.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, I see what you mean. Never mind, we'll soon fix him. Jenkins! JENKINS: Sir? (An soldier, armed with a rifle runs forward.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Chap with the wings there - five rounds rapid. (Jenkins balances his gun arm on the BRIGADIER'S staff car and fires as ordered. BOK'S head twitches as each bullet ricochets off it but the gargoyle is otherwise unharmed. An unimpressed YATES looks towards the BRIGADIER and sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN MASTER: You realise, of course, that you're a doomed man, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, I'm a dead man. I knew that as soon as I came through that door, so you'd better watch out! You see, I've nothing to lose, have I? MASTER: Enough! (The MASTER looks up at the Dæmon.) MASTER: Azal, destroy him! AZAL: Who is this?! MASTER: My enemy and yours, Azal. Destroy him! AZAL: This is the one we spoke of! He too is not of this planet! MASTER: He is a meddler and a fool. AZAL: He is not a fool, yet he has done a foolish thing coming here! (To the DOCTOR.) Why did you come?! DOCTOR: I came to talk to you. AZAL: Talk then! DOCTOR: Certainly (He points towards JO who is still held by two coven members.) DOCTOR: But first let her go. MASTER: No! (AZAL points at the coven members and blue sparks fly from his fingers. They cry out and jump back, allowing JO the opportunity to run into the DOCTOR'S arms.) JO: Doctor! DOCTOR: Are you all right, Jo? JO: I am now. (The DOCTOR looks up at AZAL. The Dæmon's voice booms out ... ) AZAL: You wish to talk?! DOCTOR: Yes...I want you to leave this planet while you still can. AZAL: You are bold! DOCTOR: Why not? I've got a machine outside that can annihilate you. AZAL: (Angrily.) You lie! DOCTOR: You've already felt its power. AZAL: It is destroyed! DOCTOR: One of them, yes, not both. AZAL: You lie! There was but one! JO: Doctor! AZAL: You have a regard for truth! Why do you lie?! DOCTOR: To try and make you listen to me. AZAL: Why should I! I see no consequence of value! MASTER: Then kill him, kill him now! AZAL: Very well! (AZAL points a huge finger at the DOCTOR.) JO: No! DOCTOR: If you kill me now, you will wonder throughout eternity whether you should have listened to my words. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (Villagers huddle in their houses as a battle erupts on the green between the UNIT troops and BOK. The troops shelter behind the stone cross in the centre of the green and fire shot after shot at the gargoyle which staggers back under the force of the shots but is otherwise unharmed. Another set of troops run round to the side of the churchyard and climb up the bank and wall into its grounds, trying to get to the creature from behind. Back at the village cross, YATES, next to BENTON, gives up and lowers his pistol.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: You might as well use a peashooter on four inch armour. Sergeant, get the bazooka's set up - over there, quick. (YATES points at one side of the churchyard.) SERGEANT BENTON: Right sir. (BENTON jumps up and starts to take some of the soldiers with him.) SERGEANT BENTON: Right, you with me. [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (AZAL still points at the DOCTOR, hesitating. The MASTER grows impatient.) MASTER: Well? You waste time. I order you to kill him, Azal! AZAL: I demand - I do not obey! MASTER: (Puzzled.) But I...I called you here and you came? AZAL: I answered your call...because the time was come for my awakening! The time has come for the completion of the experiment or its destruction! MASTER: Then fulfill your mission...by granting the ultimate power to me! Who else is there strong enough to give these humans the leadership they need?! DOCTOR: I seem to remember somebody else speaking like that. What was the bounder's name? Hitler - that's right, Adolf Hitler - or was it Genghis Khan? MASTER: Azal, I have the will - you yourself said so. AZAL: I am still not convinced! DOCTOR: (To AZAL.) I'm very pleased to hear it. AZAL: You wish to see this planet destroyed?! DOCTOR: By no means. You see, I have an alternative. AZAL: State it! DOCTOR: Leave humanity alone. Just go. You've done enough harm. AZAL: We gave knowledge to man! DOCTOR: You certainly did! Thanks to you man can now blow up the world and he probably will. He can poison the water and the very air he breathes. He's already started - he can... AZAL: (Interrupts.) Enough! Is man such a failure then?! Shall I destroy him?! MASTER: No! A strong leader can force him to learn! AZAL: You are right! I have decided! I shall pass on my power! MASTER: (Delighted.) Oh, mighty Azal - I thank you! AZAL: But not to you! (The MASTER'S face falls.) AZAL: To him! (The MASTER looks aghast at the DOCTOR who himself is none too pleased.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) No! No, I don't want it! [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The battle has reached the churchyard. UNIT troops use buttress corner of the church and the gravestones as shelter as they fire one useless round after another at BOK. One soldier does not make it in time to the protection of a gravestone and BOK fires at him. The soldier disappears. BENTON comes up to the wall of the yard with a bazooka in his hands. The BRIGADIER and YATES watch as he aims. The BRIGADIER nods.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Fire! (...and BENTON does so. BOK is torn to pieces in a hail of rock.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well done, sergeant. SERGEANT BENTON: Just a minute, sir - look! (Across the churchyard, the pieces reassemble themselves. BOK is whole again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN AZAL: (To the DOCTOR.) You refuse my gift?! DOCTOR: Of course I do! Don't you understand? I want you to leave. I want you to go away and give man a chance to grow up. AZAL: I cannot! My instructions are precise! I bequeath my power...or I destroy all! MASTER: Then you will give your power to me?! AZAL: I shall! Time is short! (The MASTER points at the DOCTOR.) MASTER: What about him? AZAL: He is not rational. He is disruptive! He must be eliminated! (Concern is etched on the DOCTOR'S face as AZAL again points a finger at him. Blue sparks fly out and the DOCTOR starts to buckle, his face contorted in agony. JO jumps forward. and stands in front of the DOCTOR.) JO: No! No, he's a good man! Kill me, not him! (She bravely closes her eyes and waits for the bolt. However it does not come. AZAL starts to cry out in pain and the DOCTOR, recovered from the shots, looks up. AZAL is glowing and flaring with an inner light, staggering and holding his head. He cries out ... ) AZAL: This action does not relate! There is no data! It does not relate! Goooo! Leave meee! All of youuuuu! (The cavern starts to shake with the power from the Dæmon. Smoke fills the chamber as all within run for the exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (BENTON fires another shot from the bazooka and the UNIT troops fire conventional shots. Suddenly, BOK stops firing back and assumes a sitting position on the ground identical to that which he had on his plinth in the cavern.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Shouts.) Cease firing! [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY (The DOCTOR, JO and various members of the coven run through the smoking, shimmering heat-filled vestry.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The BRIGADIER, YATES and BENTON have approached the still and seated BOK. The BRIGADIER taps the creature with his swagger stick and they look at each other in puzzlement. Suddenly the door to the vestry opens and the DOCTOR, JO still in the white tabard but carrying her own clothes and the coven sprint out of the church.) DOCTOR: Run for it, Brigadier! (The UNIT troops run away from the church as fast as they can. The main door to the building opens and the MASTER, still in his red robes runs out with more coven members as the ground starts to shake. All run across the green as fast as they can. A red burning glow can be seen within the church which is suddenly destroyed in a huge explosion. All fall to the ground as the smoke clears revealing the remains of the walls and the stump of the church tower. The immediate danger over, villagers start to come out of their houses - including MISS HAWTHORNE. On the green, the MASTER starts to get off the ground but becomes aware that BENTON is stood behind him, pistol in hand.) SERGEANT BENTON: Get up. (The MASTER sighs, raises his hands and slowly gets to his feet.) SERGEANT BENTON: Don't try anything! (The BRIGADIER is with the DOCTOR, JO and YATES near the pub.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What happened in there, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, by a ridiculous and foolhardy act of self-sacrifice, Jo here has managed to save us. JO: (Puzzled.) I did? DOCTOR: You did. (To the BRIGADIER.) You see, Azal couldn't face an act as irrational and as illogical as her being prepared to give up her life me. (The DOCTOR looks down at JO'S white tabard.) DOCTOR: Look Jo, why don't you go and get out of that ridiculous garb? JO: (Smiles.) Okay. (She heads for the pub.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: So what happened? DOCTOR: Well, all his power was turned against himself. You might say he blew a fuse! (Suddenly they all jump at the sound of another explosion nearby. YATES switches on his radio.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Greyhound two, come in please, over. CHALMERS: (OOV: Over radio.) Chalmers here at the dig, sir. Are you all right, over? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Couldn't be better. What's happening? CHALMERS: (OOV: Over radio.) Big bang at the dig, sir. DOCTOR: (To the BRIGADIER.) The spaceship - automatic self-destruct, I suppose. CHALMERS: (OOV: Over radio.) And the barriers cleared itself, over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Good show. We're coming out now with one prisoner. Over and out. (YATES switches off his radio. The BRIGADIER calls out to BENTON who is still stood guard on the MASTER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Benton, get ready to move out. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes sir. (BENTON looks over to the nearby waiting troops.) SERGEANT BENTON: Right, you lot, you heard the man - the picnic's over! (The MASTER sees his opportunity and flings his cloak over BENTON'S head. The SERGEANT falls to the ground. The MASTER runs towards and climbs into Bessie. BENTON fires a couple of shots and the BRIGADIER pulls his own pistol out, shooting as Bessie drives away. The DOCTOR, watched by MISS HAWTHORNE, yanks the BRIGADIER'S hand down.) DOCTOR: Stop firing - you'll damage Bessie! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Do you want him to get away? DOCTOR: Don't worry, Bessie'll bring him back. (MISS HAWTHORNE smiles as Bessie starts to turn round, despite the MASTER'S best efforts. JO, now back in her own clothes, joins them as the MASTER is driven back into the circle or armed and aiming UNIT troops. He raises his hands in resignation. The BRIGADIER is stunned.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To the DOCTOR.) How on earth did you do that? DOCTOR: Simple - if you know how. (He smiles at JO. BENTON comes up to the BRIGADIER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right Benton, get 'em moved out. (He points at the MASTER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And take him with you - maximum security guard. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes sir. (To the soldiers.) Right - get moving! DOCTOR: And look after him! (He looks at the MASTER.) DOCTOR: I want to deal with him later. MASTER: Do you, Doctor? You always were an optimist, weren't you? DOCTOR: Thank you for the compliment! SERGEANT BENTON: All right, move. (Under the aim of several rifles, the MASTER gets out of Bessie and walks over to an open UNIT jeep into which an armed soldier climbs ahead of him. More get in behind him, all still pointing their rifles. The MASTER chooses to stand in the jeep. The DOCTOR and JO smile as the jeep drives off, the MASTER intently staring at the DOCTOR as it goes. As the jeep leaves the village green and passes the watching villagers, they boo and jeer its occupant. The jeep drives off and the sound of its engine is replaced by a sound previously missing - birdsong. MISS HAWTHORNE steps forward, a delighted smile on her face.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Listen... DOCTOR: To what? JO: (Smiling.) Yes, the birds are singing again. MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, and smell the flowers! DOCTOR: Yes, well it makes a change from the smell of sulphur, doesn't it? MISS HAWTHORNE: The May Day miracle has happened again - the Earth is born anew! (The accordion of the Morris Dancers starts up again as BENTON walks up and reports to the BRIGADIER.) SERGEANT BENTON: All under way, sir. MISS HAWTHORNE: Sergeant, we must do the fertility dance to celebrate! SERGEANT BENTON: Oh no, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm still rather busy at... MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, nonsense, Sergeant - come along! (She grabs his arm and pulls him towards the villagers at the maypole. His colleagues grin at his discomfort.) JO: Come on, Doctor! (The DOCTOR'S smile disappears as JO too drags him towards the dancing villagers. The BRIGADIER and YATES are left alone.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Fancy a dance, Brigadier? (The BRIGADIER looks at him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It's kind of you, Captain Yates. I think I'd rather have a pint! (YATES grins and they head off to the pub. In the centre of the green, the dance is in full swing. The DOCTOR, ribbon in hand, approaches JO as they dance in opposite directions round the pole.) DOCTOR: You're right, Jo - there is magic in the world after all! (And watched by a large crowd of villagers, the dancers round the maypole continue their celebration of deliverance.)
Plan: A: The Master; Q: Who decides to sacrifice Jo to Azal? A: attack; Q: What does Bok do to the Doctor and his friends when they try to stop the Master from sacrificing Jo? Summary: The Master decides to sacrifice Jo to Azal and when the Doctor and his friends try to intervene they come under attack from Bok.
Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Final check by Kim [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there] Phoebe: (she enters) Hey... All: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Pheebs, what's wrong? Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... (she shows her ring) HUGE engagement ring! All: OH! Rachel: My God! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!! Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or (in a tender way) did he cry? (the guys look at him) Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals! Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever. Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike! All: Whoo! Phoebe: Thank you! (to Rachel) Oh, and I have something for you! Rachel: Mmh-mmh! Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated. Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends? Phoebe: I would, but you're the last one. Rachel: (angrily) GIVE ME THE BOOK! (she takes it and start reading) Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"? Phoebe: Oh, my first love! Rachel: Oh! Monica: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean? Phoebe: Dead. (everyone is a bit upset) Oh, it's OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach. Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it. Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band? Phoebe: (proud of herself) Oh yes, they are. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment] Chandler: (he enters) Hey honey! Joey: (Looking inside the fridge, and we only see his back. Then he closes the door, and we see it's Joey.) Hi sweetie! Chandler: Is Monica not here? Joey: No. Chandler: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial! Joey: Cool! Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!! Joey: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it? Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part. Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon! Huh? (he mimes an old man with a beard) I'm old! (then he yawns) I'm tired! (then he mimes someone who's hot...) Hey, I'm hot (...and cold) I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do? Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor. Joey: I can do that! (in a deeper voice) "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the product? Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions? Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again) I'm cold! [Scene: Central Perk. Charlie is sitting on the couch and Ross enters.] Ross: (to Charlie) Hey! Charlie: Hey! Ross: Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you. Charlie: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say congratulations! Ross: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five! Charlie: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant! Ross: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work! Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant? Ross: Yeah. Why? Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant. Ross: Your ex-boyfriend? Charlie: Yeah. Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed! Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you. Ross: Well, if you think it would help. Charlie: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him. Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes? Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish. Ross: We'll see how dinner goes. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She is packing a few tings into boxes.] Phoebe: (looking at Monica entering) Hey! Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie? Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in. Monica: Oh, right. Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker! Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together? Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up? Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys. Monica: Who's Gladys? (Phoebe shows her a horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy coming out of the frame. Monica's frightened and she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic loss! Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her! Monica: (faking happiness) Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know... Phoebe: Why, you don't like her? Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her! Phoebe: Really? You think? Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!" Phoebe: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you don't get her. Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through! [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey and Emma are there.] Chandler: Hey you guys. Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet? Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part. Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from? Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in. Joey (to Chandler): Look, c'mon, please? It's not like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! (he glances at his watch and sees the time) Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work! (he stands, ready to go). Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in. Chandler: Joe... Joey: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses! Chandler: Fine! Joey: Thank you. (he sits down) Chandler: Work, Joe! Joey: Damn it! (he leaves) Chandler (to Rachel): What am I gonna do now? Joey: Just pass it to your boss! Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own! Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys. Chandler: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs away). [Scene: A restaurant. Ross and Charlie are waiting for her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Hobart] Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO? Charlie: (glances over Ross' shoulder) Sorry, looks like it's just him. Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning! Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day. Benjamin: So good to see you. Charlie: Me too. (she and Benjamin are hugging for very long and Ross starts pretending to clear his throat, until they stop) Ross: I'm ok. Charlie: I'm sorry... (introduces them to each other) Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart. Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, (he thumbs up) whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field. Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice! Charlie: Shall we? (they sit down and Benjamin takes Ross' chair). Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night? Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! (they laugh) Oh my God! I can't believe they let us back in this place! (they laugh more, and Ross start laughing too). Benjamin (to Ross): You weren't there! Ross: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... (laughs nervously)tzz-zzz, mmm. Charlie: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room? Benjamin: So, tell me about it. Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert. Benjamin: M-m. Ross: See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated. Benjamin: Break up with Charlie! Ross: What? Benjamin: What? Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"? Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it. Ross: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think? Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her. Ross: Are you serious? Benjamin: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking! Ross: No! Benjamin: Joking it is! [Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters the room.] Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, I'm late. Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting? Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours! Monica: Wow, what's the bad news! Rachel: Who's Gladys? Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame. Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous! Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too! Monica: Huh! Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so... Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you. Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that. Monica: But I want to. Rachel: But I don't want you to. Monica: But I insist! Rachel: But I insist harder! Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. (she flips the coin). Tails! Monica, she's yours! Monica: No, that landed in your food! Rachel: (sarcastic) No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad! [Scene: Chandler walks into Joey's apartment] Chandler: Hey Joe! Joey: What's up? Chandler: Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh. Chandler: (Hands the tape back to him) I'm sorry man. Joey: (looks at him suspiciously) But, ehm... you watched the tape? Chandler: (sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches! Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the tape. Chandler: (looks surprised) What!? Of course I did! Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? Chandler: I'm not lying to you, I watched it! Joey: Well, you lied again! (Rachel comes out of her room and is observing the conversation) Chandler: I watched it! Joey: Keep going Pinocchio! Chandler: (now yelling) (pretending to look shocked) I did! Joey: (yelling back) No you didn't! (turns and goes towards his room) Chandler: (following him) I'm telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey slams the door in his face) Rachel: Did you watch the tape? Chandler:(In a sarcastic "of course not"!-tone) No! [Scene: Interview room. Ross and two other professors (one man, one woman) are sitting on one side of a long desk. Benjamin Hobart is sitting on the other side] Benjamin: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem? Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there. Benjamin: (nods) Interesting. Ross: (Rolls his eyes) I guess! Benjamin: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take place? Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota. Benjamin: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday? Ross: (shocked and confused by the question) What? I... I... (Benjamin looks at him as if to say "What's wrong? Answer the question") Benjamin: Care to venture a guess? Ross: (annoyed) May 12th? Benjamin: (looks surprised and un-impressed) That's not even kinda close! (Ross looks around confused) Dr. Li, how many graduate students you'd be needing? Dr. Li: Half a dozen. Benjamin: I see, and Dr. Biely? Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for analysis. Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band? Ross: (even more shocked) Wha..? I need 6 graduate students. Benjamin: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's You. Ross: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have anything to do with Paleontology. Benjamin: You're right, I apologize. Scratch the last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur". Ross: (annoyed) um... I've never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur". Benjamin: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it. Ross: (stares at him angrily) Ok. (determined to spell it correctly) B - O - S ... Benjamin: No, it starts with a silent "M". Ross: Oh come on!! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Rachel are talking.] Chandler: I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar! Rachel: But you are a liar. Chandler: What did I just say? (Joey comes out of his room) Joey: You still here? Chandler: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something... Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... (loses count and begins to count the number of 'lyings' in the air but gives up.) (yelling) Stop lying! Chandler: Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room) Rachel: Well, this is going well. (Chandler looks worried) Joey: (comes out holding the tape) Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, ok? (puts it into the vcr) If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan. (presses play and he appears on the TV screen and a TV commercial begins) (The commercial: Joey says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls dancing around and Joey fills most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying "Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to show him playing a guitar and putting on more blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively "Ichiban... Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it ends. Chandler and Rachel are speechless.) Joey: (Yelling at Chandler) And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape! (goes back to his room and slams the door). (Silence) Chandler: He really is a chameleon. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters carrying the horrific 'painting' of Gladys. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: (smiling from ear to ear) Well, Gladys say hello to your new home! (she holds out the 'painting') Monica: (faking happiness) Oh, my! Rachel: (surprised by how ugly it is) Wow! (sarcastic) Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? (looks around for a spot) Monica: (sounds desperate, knowing what Rachel is trying to do) I haven't really settled on a spot yet! Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? (Points to the spot where her famous French poster is hanging). That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door! Phoebe: (genuinely excited about it) Yeah, yeah! And you can get rid of that French poster. Monica: (offended) I like that poster! Phoebe: Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom? Rachel: (jumps at the chance to make that happen) Oh! There's nothing above your bed!! Monica: (Impatient with Rachel) Are you still here? [Scene: Ross' office. Ross is pacing and Benjamin enters] Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? (Now yelling) Aunt Margaret's pants size? Benjamin: I've come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere with the interview process. Ross: (Sarcastic) No! Stop! Benjamin: Anyway, I've decided to offer you the grant. Ross: (Skeptical) Really? Benjamin: Well... there is just one small... stipulation... Ross: I have to break up with Charlie? Benjamin: Hey, you got one right! (Ross shakes his head) Ross: You're crazy. Benjamin: Crazy, or... romantic? Ross: Crazy! Benjamin: Ooor... Ross: (Yelling) Get out! (Benjamin leaves) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.] (Rachel enters, checking the mail, then looks up and sees Gladys placed on the barcalounger.) Rachel: O-oh my God! Joey: (enters from his bedroom) What? Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here? Joey: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price. Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this! Joey: But it's an original Buffay... Rachel: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted. Joey: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!? Rachel: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she comes alive when you're asleep. (Joey's eyes are twice their size now, and looks nervously from Rachel to Gladys and back.) Rachel: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. (in a spooky, slow voice) And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob. Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE! (Joey leaves for his bedroom, and Rachel grins. She then takes Gladys and enters Monica's apartment.) Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey. Rachel: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. (gives Gladys to Monica) Monica: No, too late. You can't give it back! (she pushes the painting back to Rachel) Rachel: Yes I can! (pushes her back again) Monica: No you can't. She's yours! Rachel: She's yours! Monica: SHE'S YOURS! Rachel: She's yours! (While they are both pushing the painting towards each other, Phoebe enters) Phoebe: Hey! (there's a pause) Rachel: She's mine! Monica: She's m-i-i-ne! Rachel: She's mine! Monica: She's mine! Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. (she goes out into the hallway and enters with an even more hideous painting/collage. One of those faceles mannequins heads wearing a blueish dress and orange gloves reaching out into the room. Around the head 3 small dolls are hovering.) Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. (Rachel and Monica are gasping for air at the sight of this monstrous piece of art.) Rachel: I want Gladys! Monica: She's mine! Rachel: She's mine! Monica: She's mine! Rachel: She's mine! [Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey's home alone, reading a Sports Illustrated magazine when Chandler enters.] Chandler: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not. Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied. Chandler: I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me? [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch.] Monica: Oh my God! (we see Joey and Chandler standing there, and Chandler is wearing the blue Ichiban lipstick!) Rachel: Excellent! Joey: Now, what do you say? Chandler: Lying is wrong! Joey: And?... AND? Chandler: I'm a pretty little girl. Phoebe: I knew it! [Scene: Central Perk. Some time later that day. The group has left and Charlie is there when Ross enters.] Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane. Charlie: Did you get the grant? Ross: No I didn't, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you. Charlie: What? Ross: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant, because I wouldn't give you up. Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man. Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"? Charlie: I'm sure he was just joking, Ross. Ross: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay? I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one paleontological question. Charlie: Seriously? Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur? Charlie: Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O... Ross: Damnit! [Scene: Benjamin's office. Ross and Charlie are entering.] Benjamin: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here? Ross: I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog! Benjamin: Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia. Ross: No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth. Charlie: Benji? Benjamin: Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly. But it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life. Ross: Too little, too late, Benji! Charlie: I can't believe this. Benjamin: I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do you ever still think about me? Ross: (indignant) No! Charlie: Yes! Ross: What? Charlie: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so.... romantic. Ross: or... Benjamin: Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds here, but is there any chance you will take me back? Charlie: Maybe... Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable. Charlie: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... (she puts her hand on Ross's cheek) I mean it's... there's so much history between us, you know... Benjamin: (puts his hand on Ross's other cheek) I'm sorry too... (Charlie and Benji both let their hands slide down Ross's face, until their hands meet, and they hold hands.) Benjamin: I love you! Charlie: I love you too! (and they start to kiss) Ross: Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey's asleep with Hugsy, the penguin right next to him.] (There are scratching and squeaking noises coming from the living room, and Joey wakes up, terrified. He pulls his blanket higher. The doorknob is turning.) Joey: Gladys? (The door opens, and there is Gladys, still in her frame though. Joey panics and moves frantically, screaming. Then there is laughing, and the painting is lowered. It was Rachel holding Gladys.) Rachel: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old. Joey: You're mean! Rachel: Oh, don't be such a baby! (She closes his door again, and turns around. Then she starts screaming, terrified. There is Glynnis... And Monica holding her up, laughing.) end
Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who is upset that Benjamin Hobart sabotaged his paleontology grant application? A: Charlie's ex-boyfriend - Benjamin Hobart; Q: Who reviews the grant applications? A: ( Greg Kinnear; Q: Who is Benjamin Hobart? A: dinner; Q: What do Ross and Charlie have with Benjamin Hobart? A: any paleontological questions; Q: What does Benjamin not ask Ross during the interview? A: his feelings; Q: What does Benjamin confess to Charlie? A: her and Ross' relationship; Q: What does Charlie's relationship with Benjamin end? A: Phoebe; Q: Who is getting rid of things so Mike can move in? A: Gladys; Q: What is the name of the artwork that Phoebe is sad to part with? A: Monica; Q: Who keeps Gladys while Rachel keeps Glynnis? A: another even more disturbing artwork Glynnis; Q: What does Phoebe make after Monica and Rachel fight over Gladys? A: Joey; Q: Who wants Chandler to get him a job in a commercial? A: a job; Q: What does Joey want Chandler to get him? A: the bizarre Japanese male lipstick commercial; Q: What does Joey notice about Chandler's audition tape? Summary: Ross applies for a paleontology grant - and finds out Charlie's ex-boyfriend - Benjamin Hobart ( Greg Kinnear ) reviews the applications. Ross and Charlie have dinner with him and it becomes obvious that Benjamin still has feelings for her. During the interview, Benjamin sabotages Ross' application by not asking him any paleontological questions. Ross is upset so he informs Charlie. Benjamin confesses his feelings to Charlie and his ploy to get her back. Charlie reveals she still has feelings for Benjamin and gets back together with him, ending her and Ross' relationship. Phoebe is getting rid of things so Mike can move in but is sad to part with her disturbing artwork, Gladys. Monica pretends to like it but secretly hates it. Phoebe gives it to her but Monica and Rachel fight over who should have it since Phoebe thinks they both want it. She makes another even more disturbing artwork Glynnis which Monica keeps while Rachel keeps Gladys. Joey wants Chandler to get him a job in a commercial Chandler is working on but Chandler doesn't think he's right for the part. Chandler lies to Joey, but Joey realises when Chandler doesn't comment on the bizarre Japanese male lipstick commercial from his audition tape. Chandler makes it up to Joey by wearing the lipstick from the commercial.
THE HAND OF FEAR BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Two Running time: 24:48 [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Driscoll, can we lose some of this noise. DRISCOLL: With you in a minute, sir. WATSON: Lose some of this noise. I can't hear myself think in here. WATSON: I want this damned racket stopped! JACKSON: I'm doing my best, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN (OOV.): Repeat, this is not an exercise. MAN (OOV.): I will repeat that. Emergency, emergency. All personnel proceed immediately to your safe areas. MAN (OOV.): Proceed immediately to your safe areas. GUARD: Where did they go? MAN (OOV.): Repeat, this is not an exercise. CARTER: This way out. DOCTOR: No, no, this way in. CARTER: But we could have been shot. DOCTOR: But we weren't, were we. Come on, let's find the control centre. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN (OOV.): All personnel proceed immediately to your safe areas. Proceed immediately to your safe area. SARAH: Yes. Yes. I understand. MAN (OOV.): Repeat, this is not an exercise. MAN (OOV.): I will repeat that. Emergency, emergency. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Will you shut up! MAN (OOV.): Proceed immediately to your safe areas. WATSON: Thank you. Now listen, all of you. Miss Jackson, start emergency shutdown procedures. JACKSON: Yes, sir. WATSON: Attention all personnel. Attention all personnel. An emergency exists in the neutron fission reactor in sector four. Now this is a deliberate act of sabotage. Some idiot, some suicidal maniac, a young woman, has infiltrated the complex. Now she has already knocked out two of our personnel and has locked herself in the outer chamber of the reactor core. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON (OOV.): This could well be an act of self-immolation by a member of some extremist group. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON (OOV.): Or it could be that she has the technical ability to render the pile critical and effect the destruction of this entire establishment. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Now we have already started emergency shutdown operations to enable us to try and get her out of there, so carry on. WATSON: How's it coming along? JACKSON: Shutdown proceeding, but nothing on the neutron core. WATSON: That means she does know something about it. JACKSON: Yes. WATSON: Get a team of men suited up, and see that they're armed. JACKSON: Yes, sir. Mister Driscoll, get a team of men suited up and armed, and get her out of there. DRISCOLL: I'll do it. WATSON: Who the devil are you? DOCTOR: Are you the top man here? WATSON: Yes. CARTER: We're from the hospital. The girl, you see, she escaped. WATSON: So she is a lunatic. DOCTOR: Oh, no, I wouldn't say that. She's certainly not WATSON: She's mad. She's stark, staring, raving mad. DOCTOR: Oh, not necessarily. WATSON: We have a full emergency scale here DOCTOR: Do you mind if I talk to her for a moment? WATSON: And we haven't got time for the bedside manner. Now please keep out of my way. Are those men suited up yet? MAN (OOV.): Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: Can you punch up the plan for this building on this machine? JACKSON: Yes. WATSON: Miss Jackson. Find out what's delaying that radiation team. JACKSON: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: Ah. JACKSON: The manual locks are jammed. They can't get past the fission room doors. WATSON: What's the shutdown situation? JACKSON: All okay, except for the one she's on. WATSON: What levels are we getting in there? JACKSON: She's soaking up enough roentgens to kill a herd of elephants. DOCTOR: Oh, at least, at least. WATSON: I thought I told you to get out of here. Hey, you in the fission room. Can you hear me? I am the director of this establishment. DOCTOR: Her name's Smith. Miss Smith. WATSON: Miss Smith, listen very carefully. Your life is in great danger and so are the lives of many other innocent people. DOCTOR: Could I WATSON: Now what is it you want? DOCTOR: Could I speak to her? WATSON: Can you hear me? What is it you want? DOCTOR: Could I speak to her for a moment? WATSON: I doubt very much whether she'd listen. JACKSON: The level's rising, sir. There's no way we can stop it. WATSON: That means she's had it. All right, I want a full scale evacuation. Every person within a radius of twelve miles. DOCTOR: Sarah, listen to me. Can you hear me, Sarah? WATSON: Get in touch with Whitehall and tell them we've got a full scale emergency. DOCTOR: Sarah, can you hear me? WATSON: Look, we have a full emergency down here. SARAH (OOV.): It's no use. DOCTOR: Sarah, listen to me. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: No, there's nothing more to say because Eldrad must live. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: What did she say? DOCTOR: Shush, shush, shush. SARAH (OOV.): Eldrad must live. MAN (OOV.): Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: Who is Eldrad, Sarah? WATSON: Some assassin, no doubt. DOCTOR: Shush. JACKSON: Yes. DOCTOR: Sarah, who is Eldrad? What does he want? [SCENE_BREAK] WOMAN (OOV.): Eldrad must live. Eldrad the creator, the saviour. DOCTOR (OOV.): Sarah, what does he want? WOMAN (OOV.): Eldrad must live. SARAH: Eldrad must live. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sarah. Keep her talking. I'm going in there. WATSON: But how can you? All those door locks are jammed. DOCTOR: Look, the plans to your cooling duct. JACKSON: But the temperature inside the cooling duct is over two hundred degrees centigrade. WATSON: You'll roast, man. DOCTOR: Not if I'm quick. CARTER: I must come with you. DOCTOR: No, there's no need. You'd roast. WATSON: All because of that stupid woman. MAN (OOV.): You must. She will need help. [SCENE_BREAK] WOMAN (OOV.): It is the law. Eldrad must live. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Blast. She's turned it off. WATSON: Can you hear me, Miss Smith? Miss Smith? WATSON: Video maintenance? I want an engineer to try and bypass the closed circuit television in the fission room. JACKSON: Well, has Special Branch got anything? We don't know. JACKSON: Yes, thank you. WATSON: Anything? JACKSON: Nothing from Intelligence, either. WATSON: No. JACKSON: Shouldn't we begin to think of getting to a safe area? WATSON: Yes. Yes, all right, you go. JACKSON: But we must WATSON: One of us has got to stay here as long as there's a chance. There's no point in two of us JACKSON: I'm staying. WATSON: That's an order. [SCENE_BREAK] CARTER: Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: What? CARTER: It is the law. There must be no interference with the design! Eldrad must live! [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Hello, Susie? Hello, darling. Is mummy there? Oh, did you? Well, your headmistress must have been very pleased. No, no, super. Super. Get mummy for me, would you? Hello, love. Well, it's just to let you know I've got to stay on at the Complex for a while. Yes, it looks like it. No, no, there isn't anything wrong, it's just that, well, I thought I'd let you know where I was. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Eldrad must live. Eldrad must live. Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: So sorry, Sarah. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Goodbye. And kiss the children for me, would you? Yes. Yes, goodbye. DOCTOR (OOV.): Professor Watson, can you hear me? WATSON: Yes. DOCTOR (OOV.): Professor Watson, can you hear me? WATSON: Yes, is that you, Doctor? DOCTOR (OOV.): Yes. WATSON: What's happened? DOCTOR (OOV.): Is everything under control? WATSON: Yes, just about, but, are you all right? And Miss Smith, is she still alive? DOCTOR (OOV.): I hope so. We're in Decontamination now. WATSON: I'll be down right away. DOCTOR (OOV.): Good. WATSON: I've just got a few things to sort out up here. Well done, Doctor. Attention all staff, attention all staff. The reactor is now under control, so return to your posts. Video maintenance, check the monitoring of that reactor room, would you please? [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: My legs DOCTOR: Shush. You're all right, Sarah, you're all right. Shush, shush, shush. SARAH: Oh, I'm in a hospital. DOCTOR: Well, of sorts, yes. SARAH: I thought I was buried alive. DOCTOR: Sarah SARAH: Ow. DOCTOR: What's the last thing you remember? SARAH: My chin hurts. DOCTOR: Come on, what's the last thing you remember? SARAH: Er, someone held out a hand to me. I thought it was you. And when I touched it, it was cold. It was cold. I thought you'd been crushed too, and must have passed out. What was it? DOCTOR: Do you remember me digging you out and taking you to the hospital? The fossil? SARAH: No. DOCTOR: Do you remember Doctor Carter? SARAH: Who? DOCTOR: Carter. WATSON: What the devil do you think you're doing here! DOCTOR: Just a minute, Professor, she doesn't remember a thing about WATSON: Oh, very convenient, I must say. DOCTOR: It's much more complicated than it seems. WATSON: Complicated? She nearly caused a major nuclear disaster! DOCTOR: I know, I know. SARAH: Doctor, what DOCTOR: Shush. I don't think we can blame her for it. WATSON: Doctor, I realise she's a patient of yours, but diminished responsibility or not, the fact remains that she walked into the reactor room. JACKSON: How did you get her out? DOCTOR: I'll come to that in a minute. Just look at these readings. Stay there. Lie down, Sarah. DOCTOR: No trace of radioactivity whatsoever. JACKSON: She was exposed to enough direct radiation DOCTOR: I know, enough to kill a school of whales, but there she is, unscathed. SARAH: Excuse me. Does this involve me? DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Then will one of you please tell me what I'm supposed to have done? WATSON: I think we'd all like an explanation. JACKSON: Yes. DOCTOR: You won't believe me, I warn you. WATSON: Just try me. DOCTOR: Doctor Carter's dead, unfortunately. WATSON: Dead? DOCTOR: Yes, he tried to kill me. He tried to push me over. Look, I'll start at the beginning. SARAH: Good. DOCTOR: We found a hand in the quarry. Or rather, she found a hand in the quarry. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That Eldrad must live. SARAH: I really said that? DOCTOR: Yes, you said Eldrad, Eldrad must live. WATSON: And this Eldrad, this, this hand, absorbed all the radiation and left Miss Smith unharmed? Is that what you're saying? DOCTOR: Yes, it seems to absorb radiation the same way as we do oxygen. WATSON: So this is a living thing? DOCTOR: Living? It's not only living, it's regenerating. WATSON: But if your hypothesis is correct DRISCOLL: Reactor monitor operating, sir. WATSON: But that's incredible. DOCTOR: Yes. WATSON: The first thing to do is get it out of there. Put it in a sealed container of some kind. DOCTOR: Exactly. Then we can study it, see what makes it tick. WATSON: Driscoll. DOCTOR: Shall I go with him? WATSON: No, I'd rather you stayed here with me, Doctor. Driscoll is familiar with the systems and you've been in once. You never know. DRISCOLL: And I'm wearing a radiation suit. DOCTOR: I don't think radiation's the danger. WATSON: Good. He'll bring it down to the decontamination room. We'll meet in there. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: It's just unbelievable. DOCTOR: Yes, there's no radiation. It absorbs it to rebuild tissue, see? The finger's already been replaced. WATSON: We'd better lock it away before it absorbs more energy. DRISCOLL: I'll see to it. SARAH: Careful. That's not as armless as it looks. DOCTOR: What happened to the ring you used on Carter and the guards, Sarah? SARAH: I'm sorry, I don't know. I can't remember. DOCTOR: It must still be there. Driscoll? Driscoll? DRISCOLL: Yes, sir? DOCTOR: There should have been a small crystal ring, about so big, in the reactor room. DRISCOLL: I didn't see anything, sir. DOCTOR: Oh. DRISCOLL: Should I go back and have another look, sir? DOCTOR: Would you mind? She must have dropped it when I dragged her out. WATSON: Yes, all right. Yes, Driscoll, I'll contact you in the control room. DRISCOLL: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: Sarah. SARAH: Hmm? What? DOCTOR: Sit down. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: Now listen. I want you to concentrate. SARAH: Oh no, that's not fair. Not again. DOCTOR: Now, Sarah. Eldrad. Tell me about Eldrad. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: Driscoll, did you find anything? DRISCOLL (on monitor): I can't see anything yet, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: But why, Sarah? Come on, why? Tell me why. SARAH: Eldrad must live. We must obey. DOCTOR: Who are we, Sarah? SARAH: We who've seen the light of Kastria. DOCTOR: Who saw the light? Did Carter see the light? SARAH: Eldrad must live. [SCENE_BREAK] DRISCOLL: Professor Watson? WATSON (OOV.): Yes? DRISCOLL: There's nothing here, sir. WATSON (OOV.): All right, leave it. And you'd better come out of there. DRISCOLL: Right, sir. MAN (OOV.): Eldrad must live. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Tell me more, Sarah. SARAH: No more. DOCTOR: Tell me more. SARAH: No more. Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: Sarah. There's no need to obey the will of Eldrad. Put him out of your mind. You're free of him. SARAH: I'm free of him. DOCTOR: Yes. DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: What? SARAH: Just testing. WATSON: No joy from Driscoll, I'm afraid. DOCTOR: What do you mean, no joy? WATSON: He hasn't found that ring. DOCTOR: It must have been up there and he must have found it. WATSON: Why didn't he say? DOCTOR: Because if affects the will of people who've been in contact with it. Remember Carter? He tried to kill me. WATSON: Then we are in trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Security to Control. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD (OOV.): Decontamination area. I've got something weird here. WATSON: Go ahead, Security. GUARD (OOV.): Some kind of banging and thumping from the contamination safe. WATSON: My God. He's put the hand in there. SARAH: So? WATSON: Well, that's where we keep the radiated material and the test samples. DOCTOR: We're going to have to shift it. It'll be gaining strength. WATSON: It can't do any harm. It can't open it from the inside. DOCTOR: I hope you're right. GUARD (OOV.): What shall I do, sir? DOCTOR: Tell him I'm on my way. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON (OOV.): Look, someone is on the way down. Now listen, there shouldn't be any danger, but keep an eye on it. GUARD: Yes, sir, will do. Ah, Driscoll. Warm in there, was it? GUARD: Turn around. You're all right. You're clear. Driscoll, what do you reckon this is? MAN (OOV.): Eldrad must live. DOCTOR: Driscoll. DOCTOR: Driscoll! Driscoll! Driscoll! DOCTOR: Hello, Professor Watson? WATSON (OOV.): Yes, Doctor. Is everything all right? DOCTOR: Shush, listen, listen, listen. Driscoll's got the hand. I'm going down after him. Get out every available man you've got. And send someone down here. There's a guard unconscious. WATSON (OOV.): Right away. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD 2: Driscoll, stop! DOCTOR: Driscoll, stop! SARAH: Doctor! You all right? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm fine. WATSON: Where'd he go? DOCTOR: He's going to the core, where else. WATSON: But why? It's all shut down. DOCTOR: It doesn't make any difference. That hand could set off a chain reaction. DOCTOR: You two get back to the control room. I'm going on inside. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: All of you, get out as fast as you can. Come on, get going. Attention all staff, attention all staff. Evacuate the complex immediately. This is an emergency. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON (OOV.): Evacuate the complex immediately. This is not an exercise. This is an emergency. WATSON (OOV.): Evacuate the complex immediately. DOCTOR: Quick, get down! WATSON (OOV.): Emergency, emergency. This is not an exercise. Evacuate the complex immediately. [SCENE_BREAK] WATSON: This is not an exercise. Evacuate the complex immediately.
Plan: A: The Doctor and Carter attempt; Q: What do the Doctor and Carter do to gain the trust of the Nunton staff? A: Sarah; Q: Who takes the hand into the reactor? Summary: The Doctor and Carter attempt to gain the trust of the Nunton staff before Sarah takes the hand into the reactor.
Our nation is built upon a history of battles, fought over honor, family and power. These bloody and iconic chapters, define what it truly means to be an American. These are Blood Feuds. In the backwoods of Appalachia, two families, the Hatfields and McCoys, are locked in an epic battle. Told you I'd be paying you a visit. This is one of the most violent episodes in American history. Get away from her. You had bitter, bitter rivalries between figures that we will never forget. Narrator: It's the most notorious feud in U.S. history, the quintessential story of Americans taking justice into their own hands. "Devil Anse" Hatfield will kill to protect his family from slander and attack. I want to hear you beg for your life. Randall McCoy is dead set on revenge for his kin who were murdered in cold blood. [Gunshots] All of you Hatfields are a bunch of thieving killers. Potter: They just become more and more violent and vicious. The worst of human nature came out of these men. Get off my brother. Narrator: Born from deep divisions from the Civil War, this feud lives on in infamy as one of the bloodiest chapters in American history. [Man grunting] It's a war so savage that these two family names will be forever stained in blood. Potter: This feud was so powerful, it just wouldn't go away. McCoys, you're about to reap what you sow. My name is Randall McCoy. I'm a peaceable man. But them Hatfields, they've been like a curse to us McCoys, going after me and my kin, killing my family. By God, I'm here to stop them. I'm Anderson Hatfield. Folks call me "Devil Anse." Seems like Randall McCoy blames us Hatfields for everything bad that happens. Hell, we're just like everybody else. And we'll do anything to protect our family from Randall McCoy. Randall McCoy, you are surrounded. You harm another member of my family, I'll kill you all. [Guns cock] [Gunshot] Narrator: The feud between the Hatfields and McCoys will span decades. But the leaders of these two families, Anderson Hatfield and Randall McCoy, are said to have begun as friends. Their story starts in the 1860s, during the Civil War, in Logan County of what becomes the state of West Virginia. Officially a Union state in name, in practice, the region is deeply divided between north and South. Nowhere else in the country did the social fabric get so torn as it did here. Narrator: It's a seething cauldron of tensions, pitting neighbors against one another. Warren: It wasn't unusual, especially in this area, to have brother against brother or cousin against cousin. Narrator: Confederate Loyalists formed fierce guerrilla militias in the state's backwoods, determined to fight against the Union soldiers occupying their land. And the most feared rebel militia is called the Logan Wildcats, led by a man named Anderson Hatfield, better known as "Devil Anse." Richardson: There's several stories about the nickname Devil Anse Hatfield. His mother said that he was so mean that even the Devil himself was afraid of him. Like his Hatfield kin, Devil Anse was born and raised here, in the hills of West Virginia. Elmer: From the time he was a young boy, he spent a lot of time in the mountains. He hunted bear. He was a first-class shot. He could shoot a squirrel's eyeballs out the top of a tall poplar. Narrator: In 1864, after serving in the Confederate army, Devil Anse returns home to lead his backwoods rebel militia during the war's final years. He was a leader of men. Everybody just respected him and followed him. If he said, "let's go," they got their guns and went. Narrator: As the story goes, one day, the Wildcats are joined by a neighbor sympathetic to their cause, 38-year-old Randall McCoy. McCoy lives just across the Tug Fork River in Kentucky. He grew up in poverty, scratching out a meager living as a farmer. Richardson: It's a very, very hard life. He worked a very small piece of land in a very rugged area. You have to respect what he was able to accomplish as just an everyday, normal guy. Narrator: Randall is known for his faith, a God-fearing man with convictions of steel. He was very, very different in personality than the Hatfields. The Hatfields were a little bit more outgoing and loud and showy. And Randall was a lot more reserved than that. Narrator: Today, these two neighbors, Hatfield and McCoy, share a mission. Richardson: There's a Union commander who's been making raids into West Virginia and killing Southern sympathizers. And Devil Anse Hatfield was given the mission to hunt him down and kill him. And he enlists Randall McCoy's help in locating this guy. Narrator: Together, the experienced woodsmen track down their prey. There he is. Yankee slime. Another one down. Narrator: The mission is a success. But the friendship between these two colleagues will soon be torn asunder. The animosity begins with a McCoy who happens to be Randall's younger brother, Asa Harmon McCoy. Unlike Randall, Asa joined the Union army, sparking resentment among many neighbors, especially the Hatfields. One Hatfield, in particular, takes exception to Asa... Devil Anse's uncle, Jim Vance. He's a ferocious Logan wildcat with a propensity for violence so extreme, it earns him the nickname "Crazy Jim." His eyes would actually twitch at certain points. And that's how he got the name "Bad Jim" or "Crazy Jim" Vance. Elmer: People say he was extremely mean-looking fellow. Some people would even say he was a psychopath. He enjoyed killing. Narrator: When Vance hears that Asa has come home early from the war, discharged with a broken leg, it's said that he leads a mission to track Asa down, a man he considers a treacherous turncoat. Potter: So Asa goes over the mountain and hides. He was hoping it would all just die down. Maybe he was waiting for his leg to heal. I smell a Yankee. Told you I'd be paying you a visit. [Gunshot] They just went up there and killed him. That's not a fair fight. I mean, you're wounded, can't go anywhere. I've never shot a cripple before. First time for everything. [Spits] Of course, there's no law here at the time. So no one's brought up on charges. Narrator: When Randall McCoy learns of the killing of his younger brother, he's filled with grief and rage. A Hatfield has cruelly murdered his brother, a defenseless man who was no longer a soldier. But after four long years of war, the Bible-fearing Randall has no stomach for violence. Gary: He had seen so much that he just didn't want to go there anymore. And he promised to God that he would never kill anyone again or, you know, live that lifestyle. Narrator: He chooses not to retaliate, but his anger festers. There's a quote that goes around... "God may forgive, but Randall McCoy, not so much." Narrator: Bitter seeds have been planted that will grow into a vicious feud that will last for decades. For the next 15 years, the McCoys and Hatfields keep their distance... The McCoys in Kentucky, the Hatfields just across the Tug Fork River in West Virginia. After the war, Randall McCoy spends the years busy with his farm and family, raising 16 children. That day and time, you had a big family just so you can help out on the farm. Narrator: Randall is especially fond of his daughter, Roseanna. At 21, she's the apple of her father's eye. Potter: Roseanna has been schooled so she's an intelligent, beautiful young lady. Narrator: To Roseanna and the rest of his children, Randall passes down his dedication to the Bible and his simmering hatred of the Hatfield clan. Richardson: If you're Randall McCoy and somebody kills your brother, you're never gonna forget that. Narrator: Over the years, Randall's resentment grows, when, on their side of the river, the Hatfields thrive in ways that his family has not. Since the end of the Civil War, the ambitious Devil Anse has found success in new ventures... selling timber and distilling moonshine. Warren: Devil Anse just kind of shot off like a rocket. Everything went right for him. He met the right people. He owned the right land. He was one of the first entrepreneurs in this area. Eventually, he made a fortune. Warren: So I do think there was some jealousy there. Narrator: Devil Anse and his wife are also raising their own brood of 13 children and teaching them to beware and resent the McCoys. It's only a matter of time before the two families clash again. You guys want a refill? Spring 1880. It's election day in Pike County, Kentucky, where the McCoy family lives. In these parts, elections are festive occasions where folks gather from all over to gossip and drink. And the Hatfields have come across the river from West Virginia to join the party and peddle their moonshine. Richardson: Winters were long and hard. And it was the first chance for everybody to socialize and have fun. And the moonshine flowed freely. Narrator: The gossip today is all about a recent legal squabble. Several months earlier, Randall McCoy had accused the Hatfields of stealing some of his hogs and dragged them into court. [Gavel bangs] He lost the case and his hogs. Although it's been 15 years since Jim Vance Hatfield allegedly killed Randall McCoy's brother, today, the feud between the families re-ignites. Well, if it isn't Randall McCoy. I hope you're keeping better track of your hogs these days. [Laughter] Warren: When you stole a pig, it wasn't that you were stealing some 50 cents that you found laying on the dresser. You were taking food out of their family's mouths. Narrator: The theft of Randall's hogs causes his years of pent-up animosity to explode straight to the surface. All of you Hatfields are a bunch of thieving killers. Haven't forgot what you did to my brother. And if you aren't careful, you'll end up just like him. Narrator: With tension at an all-time high, a war between the Hatfields and McCoys is about to break out, more violent than anyone can imagine. Narrator: It's 1880, Pike County, Kentucky. Well, if it isn't Randall McCoy. Hostility between the Hatfields and McCoys has been building since the end of the Civil War. Told you I'd be paying you a visit. With tension brewing for 15 years, today, the feud escalates to a whole new level. All of you Hatfields are a bunch of thieving killers. Haven't forgotten what you did to my brother. And if you aren't careful, you'll end up just like him. You best get along now before you say something and get yourself in real trouble. All right, boys. Take it easy. Narrator: A rare peacemaker, Devil's brother, Ellison Hatfield, tries to keep it civil. This is a day for gathering, not fighting. Hey. Have yourself a drink, all right? Narrator: The insults don't go unnoticed by Randall McCoy's sons. We can't let them get away with stealing our pig. Narrator: But there's more serious trouble brewing today from another member of Devil Anse's clan... His oldest son, Johnse Hatfield. Richardson: Johnse was only 18 at that time. And he was a very impetuous person. He was known to be a womanizer, what we would call today as a player. He had girlfriends everywhere. But he never dared cross the line to court any daughter of his family's mortal enemy... Who's that pretty little thing? ... until now. Bet them pies aren't as sweet as you are, Roseanna. Johnse Hatfield, you mind your manners now. Oh, I beg your pardon, Miss McCoy. Now, that's more like it. [Both laugh] Randall sees his daughter, Roseanna McCoy, talking to Johnse Hatfield. And, of course, that's a no-no. Hey. Get away from her. Narrator: Steeped in his father's hatred of the Hatfields, Randall's son, Tolbert, steps in. What do you think you're doing, young lady? Daddy, we weren't doing anything wrong. He's a Hatfield. I don't want you ever near that boy again. Now, get. Narrator: But, later in the day, the love struck Roseanna defies her father and makes a secret plan with Johnse. Later on, they meet up again and sneak off in the woods. Away from the prying eyes of their families, sparks fly. After the couple spends a long afternoon alone in the woods, Johnse fears it's too risky to walk Roseanna home. He might have been afraid to show up at Randall's door with his daughter after dark. Potter: Johnse convinces her that a better idea is just to go home with him. She could spend the night. And then, he'll bring her back the next morning. The two young lovers spend the night at the Hatfield home without the Hatfield patriarch's knowledge. And by morning, Johnse's in love. Richardson: So he spends one day with the daughter of his father's greatest enemy and decides he wants to marry her. Narrator: Rumors travel fast in Logan County, and Randall quickly learns from neighbors where his missing daughter is and who she plans to marry. When days turn into weeks, Randall sends an irate message to Roseanna demanding that she come home, or else he, reportedly, threatens to kill every Hatfield in West Virginia. Potter: She has disobeyed him, and she's ruined the family name. Warren: Devil Anse also was forbidding that Johnse marry her. So that side wasn't happy with it either. Narrator: Pushed to the brink of violence, the normally-God-fearing Randall McCoy is still unprepared for the final shock. After learning that Johnse has been stepping out with other women and has no intention of marrying her, Roseanna returns home months later with disturbing news... She's pregnant. Back then, it was a terrible thing for a girl to get pregnant out of wedlock. Narrator: Heartbroken, Randall banishes Roseanna from home and vows to never speak to his beloved daughter again. For years, Randall McCoy's sons have witnessed their father's humiliation at the hands of the Hatfields and watched him turn the other cheek because of his vow to God. But for the young McCoy boys, this latest act of betrayal by a Hatfield is the final straw. So two McCoy brothers, Tolbert and Jim, hatch a plot for revenge. The McCoys know that there is a warrant out for Johnse Hatfield in Kentucky for selling illegal moonshine. Gary: So they go out in search of Johnse. Narrator: The plan is to take the man who dishonored their sister to jail in Pikeville nearby. But that's not all they have in store. For the McCoy boys, their father's fury is now their own. Johnse, don't move. Put it down. And they don't share Randall's aversion to blood. [Grunts] Give him one, Tolbert. After meting out their own justice, all that's left is to bring Johnse to the sheriff to be arrested... Or so the McCoy brothers think. Get up. When Roseanna learns of her brothers' plan to capture and turn Johnse over to the law, she's terrified. Roseanna's afraid that they're gonna get him out in the woods and kill him. Narrator: Roseanna runs straight to the one person she believes has any hope of saving Johnse... Devil Anse Hatfield. Richardson: So at 8 months pregnant, she gets on the back of a horse and rides to try to get Anse to come and rescue Johnse. Narrator: Once informed of the McCoy brothers' plot, Devil wastes no time gathering his men. As the McCoy brothers are making their way over the hills to the sheriff in Pikeville, they're surprised by an armed Hatfield posse on the horizon. Evening, boys. Best hold it there. Where do you think you're going with Johnse? Man: Warrant's out for his arrest, Anse. We're bringing him into justice. Narrator: It only takes a moment for the young McCoys to see how far outgunned they are. You ain't taking him nowhere. Get on your knees. I want to hear you beg for your life. Man: [Laughs] Looky here. This one pissed his pants. [Laughing] I bow down to God. I'm not gonna bow down to no damn Hatfield. Can we kill them? Looks like today's your lucky day, boys, on account of I'm feeling mighty generous tonight. But don't you ride around here alone in these parts anymore, boys. Get up. Get up. [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: When their father, Randall McCoy, hears what happened to his boys, his heartache over Roseanna quickly turns to rage. The hatfields' insults to his family keep mounting... His brother's murder, the theft of his property, his pregnant daughter, and, now, the humiliation of his sons. I want to hear you beg for you life. For the McCoys, the time for vengeance has come. But it will come with a horrible price. You really see the violence pick up after this. [Grunting] Get off my brother! An evil was unleashed. Narrator: It's the early 1880s. Along the border of Kentucky and West Virginia, the feud between the Hatfields and McCoys continues to escalate. Randall McCoy is seething after his sons tried to arrest and serve an outstanding warrant on Johnse Hatfield in retaliation for defiling his daughter, only to have the boys humiliated by his Nemesis, Devil Anse Hatfield. I want to hear you beg for your life. Johnse Hatfield goes free. And the wrath Randall and his sons feel is a powder keg about to explode. August 1882. It's time, again, for local elections in Pike County, Kentucky. And Tolbert McCoy is still fuming from his recent run-in with the Hatfields... Looky here. This one pissed his pants. Narrator: ... And is hell-bent on revenge. Potter: Some people warned the Hatfields, "don't go over there. There's all this trouble going on. The McCoys will be there. You shouldn't do this." Narrator: The Hatfields don't listen. Tolbert hits the moonshine. And the more he drinks, the angrier he gets. Richardson: When Tolbert comes to this election, he's spoiling for a fight. Narrator: Before long, he finds a Hatfield target, a cousin of Devil Anse, and accuses him of reneging on a debt. You owe me money, you filthy Hatfield. I paid you your money, and you know it, you damned lair. As words fly, Devil Anse's brother, Ellison Hatfield, steps in and tries to break up the fight. Don't you call me a liar. That's enough. Break it up. Settle down. Tolbert's really full of himself. He's all excited, pumped full of adrenaline. Boy, I've never seen anyone more eager to get his ass whupped than you. Narrator: Ellison is beloved in the Hatfield family, a gentle giant who's known for always trying to keep the peace. But Tolbert McCoy won't back down. Well, hell, I can whup any man here. You're a damn [Bleep] hog. What? You want to fight somebody? Fight me. But with Ellison's superior size, it's less a fight than a thrashing. That fight turned really nasty. Narrator: Tolbert's younger brothers, Bud and Pharmer, quickly jump in to help their brother. Stop. Stop! Get... [Grunting, shouting] Potter: Ellison's still much stronger and just knocks them out of the way. Narrator: Today, after so many years of coming up short, one McCoy isn't gonna let a Hatfield win. Suddenly, Bud, the youngest boy, jumps in and starts stabbing Ellison. Get off! Narrator: Bud can't be stopped. It's as if each pierce into Ellison's flesh acts to right every Hatfield wrong. Ellison was holding up his arm to protect himself. And the knife stabs were just coming again and again and again. [All shouting] Narrator: Ellison realizes he's now fighting for his life. Get off me. Ellison grabs a rock. And he's getting ready to basically kill Tolbert. He's gonna hit him in the head with it and kill him. Narrator: At that moment, 19-year-old Pharmer McCoy grabs a gun out of the holster of someone standing in the crowd. He does what any other brother would do for their brother. Get off my brother! Aah! [Groans] Richardson: Pharmer shoots Ellison in the back. [Groaning] It still doesn't kill him. But it puts him down for the count. Narrator: Years previously, Randall McCoy has always turned his back on violence. Now, his sons are soaked in Hatfield blood. Bystanders grab the three McCoy brothers, Tolbert, Bud, and Pharmer, and place them under arrest. Ellison is in bad shape. He's rushed home, where his family tends to his wounds. When Devil Anse visits, he's shattered. Enraged, he vows to take the feud to unprecedented levels of vengeance. The three McCoy brothers involved are now en route to the sheriff in Kentucky. But the Hatfields want blood. Richardson: They decide to take justice into their own hands. Anse decides that he's gonna take those boys and mete out justice himself. Narrator: Devil Anse gathers a group of armed men to chase down the posse taking the McCoy brothers in. And several hours later, they close in on their prey. Accosting the group at gunpoint... Anse: Best hold it there. Devil demands that the three brothers be handed over. The McCoy boys are his prisoners now. Warren: After the boys are captured, he takes them to an abandoned schoolhouse on the West Virginia side of the river to hold them. What are you gonna do with us, Anse? Anse: I'll tell you. My brother lives, I'll turn you over to the law. But if he dies, I swear to God, you'll all die too. Narrator: Within a day, both families find out about the ultimatum and where the McCoy boys are being held. Ma. Sarah McCoy, Randall's wife, rides to Devil Anse to plead for the lives of her sons. Anse, I'm begging you. Let my boys go. Take them back to Kentucky. They can stand trial. You needn't beg, and you needn't cry. I promise you, I will bring them back to Kentucky. I will do that. Man: Now, shut up and get, woman, or I'll shoot them boys as full of holes as a sifter bottom. I love you, boys. Why'd you say you'd bring them back to Kentucky? Well, I never said I'd bring them back alive. [Both laughing] Narrator: The feud has pushed both Hatfields and McCoys past the point of reason. Get off my brother! Only vengeance guides them now. Three lives hang in the balance, and the clock is about to run out. Narrator: It's 1882 in Logan County, West Virginia. Devil Anse Hatfield is holding three McCoy brothers hostage after they stabbed and shot his own brother, Ellison. Get off my brother! Devil has made a frightening proclamation to his prisoners. If my brother dies, I swear to God, you'll all die too. Narrator: After a day of waiting, finally, a messenger arrives for Devil with news on Ellison Hatfield. Ellison lived for 2 days after the stabbings and being shot in the back. Richardson: But, eventually, he dies. And the three McCoy boys know that this is gonna be the end for them. Get up, you son of a bitch. Narrator: Devil Anse and Crazy Jim have thought through the execution in chilling detail. Rather than kill the boys in West Virginia, where the Hatfields live, they take the McCoys to Kentucky, where extradition will be difficult. Warren: The boys are distraught. Tears are flying. They realize they are going to die today. [All whimpering] We're gonna do this like we done during the war to deserters, traitors, and Yankees. Line up. Raise your rifles. McCoys, it's time for you to make your peace with God. You're about to reap what you sow. [Whimpering] Warren: They start begging and pleading for their lives. But the Hatfields were having no part of it. Please, don't do it. [Whimpers] Gary: It's a firing squad. They just execute them. [Guns cock] [Gunshots] [All groaning] Richardson: There were 40 bullets found in their bodies. So it was a very, very vicious, violent execution. Narrator: With the brutal murder of these three young McCoy brothers, any hope for an end to this feud is long gone. Richardson: One of Randall McCoy's friends came and took the bodies back to Randall so he could see his boys. And there's a famous photograph that's, supposedly, the three boys lying on a porch. Randall had so many bad things happen to him at this point. This must've been just a gut blow for him. Narrator: More than a gut blow, this is his breaking point. He knows he needs to end this feud once and for all. At this point, Randall McCoy's like, "I'm not gonna back down from this. Whatever it takes is what I'm gonna do." Narrator: But he doesn't want blood atonement. He wants justice. He wants anyone remotely related to the execution of his sons to be put in jail and justice to be served. Randall is a man that is obsessed. He's not gonna stop until he gets the indictments for these Hatfields. Narrator: Week after week, Randall travels the 30 miles into Pikeville to plead his case to authorities. Soon, arrest warrants are issued in Pike County. But Devil Anse isn't worried. Richardson: Devil Anse knew that if he murdered these boys in Kentucky and he went back to West Virginia that the law enforcement officials could not cross into West Virginia without an order of extradition from the governor. Narrator: And the powerful Devil Anse has the West Virginia governor in his pocket. He won't help Randall McCoy. So Randall's efforts to try to bring Anse to justice were thwarted by that. Narrator: But Randall doesn't give up. He gets $100 bounties offered for the capture of each wanted Hatfield. Soon, bounty hunters pour into West Virginia. Richardson: The Hatfields went into hiding deep into the woods. But none of the Hatfields were ever captured or killed by any of these bounty hunters. Narrator: For five long years, Randall sees no justice until, in 1887, frustrated and near the end of his rope, luck shines upon him when a sympathetic candidate, Simon Buckner, runs for governor of Kentucky. The McCoys approach him with a deal. Potter: They say, "we can deliver votes for you, but we want to see these Hatfields indicted. We want to see them extradited." So the gubernatorial candidate agrees. Narrator: Once he's in office, Governor Buckner increases the bounties to $500 a head and appoints a special deputy whose mission is to round up the culprits. The Hatfields feel the pressure. They're being arrested. Several of them are captured. And so they're not happy about this. Narrator: After months of being on the run, Devil Anse calls the Hatfield clan together for a war council. About tired of crawling around out here in these woods like a dog. Narrator: Devil Anse knows that it's Randall McCoy who's behind it all. And it's Randall McCoy's testimony that could send him to the gallows. We need to get that son of a bitch Randall. The group decides to end the feud once and for all... I say we go in there, boys, and we just cut the head off the snake. ... by getting rid of Randall McCoy. Problem solved, and no trials. Narrator: January 1, 1888, a Hatfield raiding party, led by Crazy Jim Vance, crosses the river into Kentucky to Randall McCoy's cabin. Boys, wait for my order. Inside, Randall, his wife Sarah, and their children are all peacefully sleeping until the stillness is broken. Randall McCoy, you are surrounded. Come on out and face your fate. Randall McCoy, I'm talking to you. Narrator: Randall recognizes that voice. It's Jim Vance, the man who murdered his sons and allegedly killed his brother, Asa, years earlier. If you come out now, no terror shall befall your family. Why are they here, pa? Calvin: What should we do? Alifair, go to your mother. Calvin, load up. Narrator: Randall McCoy is not about to give himself up to the Hatfields and leave his family at their mercy. I don't think they're coming out, Uncle Jim. Damn it to hell. You Hatfields get away from my home and leave us alone. Potter: The Hatfields realize that with McCoys inside this thick-walled cabin that they're not gonna win just sitting there, shooting into the cabin. We're gonna have to smoke 'em out. All right, Randall. You had your chance. Boys, fire it up. Narrator: Once ablaze, the fire quickly spreads to the interior. [Coughing] Warren: And everyone in the cabin is frantically trying to put the fire out. And there's smoke filling everywhere and people running around. It looks like a war zone. I'll get more water, Ma. There is no more water. Narrator: The McCoy family must now choose whether to burn to death or face the armed posse outside. But Randall McCoy isn't ready to give up just yet. Randall: You harm another member of my family, I'll kill you all. Narrator: And this night of horror, fueled by over 20 years of hatred, bloodlust, and animosity, will mark a chilling end to the feud. Narrator: On new year's morning, 1888, a Hatfield raiding party, led by Crazy Jim Vance, has crossed into Kentucky to capture their rival, Randall McCoy, at his family home. All right, boys. Light up them torches. Fire it up. Inside their burning home, the McCoy family desperately attempts to put out the fire. Randall and his son, 16-year-old Calvin, move to the windows to try and determine how many men they're up against. And for the first time since his vow to God, Randall prepares to kill. You harm another member of my family, I'll kill you all. At the back of the house, his daughter, Alifair, makes a run for the well outside to fetch water to extinguish the blaze. One of the Hatfields has her in his sights. He just blows her away instantly. And she drops dead there, right at his feet. [Crying] Alifair! Oh, no! Her mother runs out to see if Alifair's okay. And as she comes out, Jim Vance takes his pistol and just beats her senseless in the back of the head. Narrator: Inside, Randall doesn't realize what has happened to his daughter and wife. He and his son hatch a desperate plan to make a run for it. Take two pistols. I'll cover you. Run out the front. [Both coughing] What about you? After you're away, I'll run out the back. [Both coughing] Narrator: As Calvin bolts from the cabin, he is spotted by the raiding party. And he gets almost to the edge of the cornfield. And a very good shot catches him right in the back of the head, and he drops dead. [Coughing] Randall thinks Calvin got away, so he goes the other direction, and he does get away. Narrator: Eventually, the Hatfields realize that Randall has escaped. With two young McCoy children killed and their mother brutally beaten, the night has been violent beyond all comprehension. As word of the tragedy spreads, the public is shocked and horrified. The new year's raid was cold-blooded murder, killing women and children. The feud catches national news. Narrator: The public demands the West Virginia and Kentucky governments step in and capture the guilty Hatfields responsible for so much murder and mayhem and bring an end to the terrible feud. Warren: The common citizens were putting pressure on the governor to stop these two families from going at each other. Narrator: Tension mounts, and both states even ready their militias. Potter: So at this point in time, they're thinking, "we're gonna have a war between two states." Narrator: Finally, after years of trying to bring the Hatfields to justice, in April 1888, the Supreme Court rules that the prisoners, even if seized illegally, could be tried once they were detained in the state where the crimes were committed. Eventually, posses round up the guilty Hatfields and bring them back to Kentucky to stand trial. Those who resist are killed. Crazy Jim Vance is cornered and shot dead by a posse that includes the sons of Asa McCoy. So Asa Harmon's children eventually got their revenge. Narrator: A total of nine other Hatfields are arrested in connection with the bloody feud. Among them is Devil's son Johnse, who serves time in a Kentucky prison. Only one is given the death sentence. Cotton top, Devil Anse's nephew, is hanged for the murder of Randall's daughter, Alifair. After everything that's happened, justice served against the Hatfields provides little solace for the devastated McCoy family. Randall's wife, Sarah, is permanently disabled from the brutal assault she endured. Potter: Sarah lives for about 12 more years after this injury, but she never fully recovers. Narrator: Roseanna, whose affair with Johnse sparked so much tragedy, suffers the loss of her illegitimate child and remains wracked by guilt. Richardson: Roseanna crawls into her own sickbed, pines away, and dies at 29 years of age. We don't know what killed her. But the family says that she died of a broken heart. Narrator: As for Randall McCoy, he is tormented by grief and anguish until his dying day in 1914 at the age of 89. Richardson: He's lost half his family. And he's a broken man. He spends the rest of his life bemoaning what life has dealt him. Narrator: The one man never held to account for his part in the feud is Devil Anse Hatfield. He escapes from the law by fleeing the valley and settles in one of the most remote spots in the state. Devil Anse finally dies in 1921, 7 years after his one-time friend and longtime enemy, Randall McCoy. Even after both men pass, the blood feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys remains an infamous chapter, forever ingrained in American history. Potter: When people take justice in their own hands, evil is unleashed. And it was a terrible evil that was unleashed here. You have a Hatfield and a McCoy in the same room, you don't talk about the feud. They got their version, and the McCoys got their version. And you got to just leave it at that. The Hatfields and McCoys are synonymous with the word feud. This is one of the most fascinating chapters in American history. And these are characters that we will never forget.
Plan: A: Civil War hostility; Q: What escalates to kidnapping, illicit love affairs, murder, and a legendary turf war? A: the McCoys; Q: Who did the Hatfields of West Virginia fight against in Kentucky? Summary: Civil War hostility between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky escalates to kidnapping, illicit love affairs, murder, and a legendary turf war.
KAREN'S CAFE Haley is ready to open again the cafe. JAMIE (Voiceover): I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town among magicians. Most everybody else didn't realize we lived in a web of magic. But I knew it all along. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan is in the swimming with Lydia. Jamie comes to asks something. JAMIE: Hey, dad, is it safe to have the baby in the water like that? NATHAN: Are you kidding me? She's practically a fish. Why don't you join us? JAMIE: I was thinking I would go to the Rivercourt. NATHAN: Yeah, buddy, we can do that. JAMIE: Well, I was thinking...I could go by myself. NATHAN: Hmm. JAMIE: Chuck and some of the guys are there. And I'd go straight there and straight home. I promise. NATHAN: Straight there then straight home, huh? JAMIE: NUh-hu. For sure. NATHAN: Hmm. All right. Take your cellphone, stay on the sidewalks, and do not talk to strangers. JAMIE: Cool. Thanks, dad. Promise. NATHAN: Jamie. You're my son. I love you. I need you to be safe. JAMIE: I understand. Love you. Love you, too, Lydia. NATHAN: See ya! JAMIE: Bye! (Jamie leaves) NATHAN: You don't get to leave the house alone until you're at least 30, okay? Maybe even 40. Discuss it with your mom. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian is sleeping. Brooke wakes him up. BROOKE: I think I'm showing. JULIAN: That's awesome, baby. BROOKE: Do you want to see? JULIAN: Is there a chance I can see after 9:00 a.m.? BROOKE: Julian. JULIAN: Okay, baby, let me see. (She shows him) JULIAN: Okay. You look skinny as ever. BROOKE: You don't see it? JULIAN: Maybe, but I've been conditioned over time to say "you look skinny as ever," and that's what I'm going with. BROOKE: Damn it, Julian! Tell me I'm fat! CLINN'S HOUSE Clay is sad without his "Chairy". QUINN: Hey. What's wrong? CLAY: I miss Chairy. One minute he was there, just minding his own business, hanging out with Coleman, the half-ice/half-water cooler. And then a bulldozer came along and... QUINN: I'm sorry, honey. CLAY: You hated Chairy. QUINN: Hey! "Hate" is a strong word. I just thought Chairy's best days were behind him. CLAY: Goodbye Chairy. I'm gonna miss you. AIRPORT Chase and Alex say goodbye before his start. ALEX (Voice-over): I'm gonna miss you. I know I told you that I was happy you joined the Air Force, but the truth is, I'm not happy at all. I'm gonna miss you and worry about you. I already do. CHASE (Voice-over): Meet me right here...A year from today. And if you do... I promise you I'll still feel the same way about you that I do right now. ALEX (Voice-over): 52 weeks. I'll be right here. RIVERCOURT Jamie joins his friends. CHUCK: Hey, dude. JAMIE: Hey. CHUCK: Where you been? We've been waiting for, like, a year now. JAMIE: Sorry. I've just been hanging out by myself. CHUCK: Hold up. What's that? JAMIE: What? CHUCK: That girly shoelace! JAMIE: It's nothing. CHUCK: Geez, who has the other one, your mom? JAMIE: No. Madison. CHUCK: Ugh. Even worse. You guys can have girly foot. I'll take Kowalski instead. SCHOOL Jamie goes to school. He has a black shoelace. MADISON: Hi, Jamie. JAMIE: Hey. Hey, guys, wait up. CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase comes to say goodbye at Chuck. CHASE: Hey, Mrs. Skolnick, is Chuck home? I called him earlier, but I didn't hear back, and I got to take off today. CHUCK'S MOM: I'm sorry, he's not here. CHASE: Oh. Okay. Well, uh, can you tell him I stopped by? And that I'll write him as soon as I can. I'll tell him. CHUCK'S MOM: Good luck. (In fact, Chuck is home) ONE TREE HILL - OPEN CREDITS BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke is 4 mouth of pregnancy. She writes in the wall of the baby's room. JULIAN: Hey, look. Nice. Look how fat you are. BROOKE: Shut up, Julian! JULIAN: I got the reviews. BROOKE: Well, in that case, we'll read one to you. And no matter what they say, I say the movie is wonderful, and everyone who's going to see it. (She reads the newspaper) BROOKE: "Let's all agree right now that they've ruined movies." JULIAN: Oh, boy. BROOKE: "Today's films have become loud, crass, and predictable. Rare is the film that whispers. And yet, into this arena comes Julian Baker's 'Seven Dreams 'til Tuesday. A gentle voice that cuts through the white noise of modern film making. With a wonderful script and lead performance by..." MORNING SHOW Millie and Mouth start her TV show together. MILLICENT: Alex Dup... Alex Dup... I suddenly can't say "Alex Dupré." MOUTH: You just did. MILLICENT: How can you be so calm? Our first show is in ... JERRY: 15 seconds. MILLICENT: In 15 seconds. MOUTH: 'Cause this is our time, Millie. We've been working. We're ready. And my co-host looks very beautiful. JERRY: 10 seconds. MILLICENT: Oh, my God. What's my name? MOUTH: I got that, too. Good morning, Tree Hill. I'm Mouth McFadden, and alongside me is the more attractive and much smarter part of the program, Millicent Huxtable. And today, we begin a new chapter with "Mouth and Millie in the morning." MILLICENT: I prefer "Millie and Mouth in the morning." MOUTH: Here we go. MILLICENT: Seriously, I think whoever agrees with me should send us an e-mail or something. MOUTH: All right. You see, we are 10 seconds into this thing, and you're already causing trouble. MILLICENT: Sorry. I meant "Millie and Mouth." MOUTH: Yeah, nice try. Why don't you just introduce our first-ever guest on "Mouth and Millie in the morning"? MILLICENT: Ugh. It sounds so much better the other way. But whatever. Our first guest has two movies opening this weekend, and she leaves this week to begin a third, so we are very lucky to have her. Please welcome, a close friend of mine, Alex Dup... MOUTH: Alex Dupré. (Alex goes to the set) MILLICENT: Hey! Thanks for being here. MILITARY BASE Chase receives a letter. SOLDIER: Mail call. Hey, Adams. You got another letter. SCHOOL Jamie sees Madison wear a black shoelace. JAMIE: Hey, Madison. MADISON: Hey. JAMIE: What's with the black shoelace? MADISON: Nothing. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay presents cases of potential clients. CLAY: Those are the 75 guys that have a legitimate shot at the NBA draft. Those are the guys that don't. But, somehow, every year, there's always one guy that beats the odds. Someone who works harder and ends up making it. NATHAN: You don't think we have a shot at representing one of the 75 best prospects? CLAY: Nate, we don't even have an office. Somewhere in there is the next Nathan Scott. We just need to find him. NATHAN: And how do we do that? CLAY: We go on the road. KAREN'S CAFE Nathan and Lydia test the new stage. HALEY: Hey, Nathan, how long will you be gone? Nathan? Hey. What are you up to? NATHAN: Lydia just wanted to test out the new stage. HALEY: Oh, she did, did she? NATHAN: Yep. Check it out. (They start to sing) NATHAN: Mahna mahna. LYDIA: Do doo do-do-do. NATHAN: Mahna mahna. LYDIA: Do do-do-do. NATHAN: Mahna mahna. LYDIA: Do doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do, doo do. HALEY: I don't know! What's daddy doing? NATHAN: Huh? Mahna mahna. LYDIA: Do doo do-do-do. NATHAN: Mahna mahna. LYDIA: Do do-do-do. NATHAN: Mahna mahna. LYDIA: Do doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do, doo do. NATHAN: Mahna mahna. HALEY: Bravo! CINEMA Quinn and Jamie looked at a movie. QUINN: So, did you like the movie, Jamie? JAMIE: It was okay. It wasn't very believable, though. QUINN/ Why do you say that? JAMIE: Well, you know the part where the girl forgives the guy? It doesn't really work like that in real life. QUINN: Something happen with you and Madison? JAMIE: Yeah. That. (Madison goes to a movie with another guy) KAREN'S CAFE Everybody is here for the re-opening to Karen's cafe. BROOKE: Are you my baby? Are you my baby? Yes, you are. My sweet baby girl. You're all mine. HALEY: Brooke? BROOKE: You're not my baby, are you? No, you're not mine at all. HALEY: What is auntie Brooke saying to you, Lydia Scott? Is she trying to snatch you up? BROOKE: Yes. NATHAN: Are you two ready to open up the new café? HALEY: Yes, we are! Oh. BROOKE: Yeah. HALEY: Hey. Thank you for everything. I know that you've been working so much and travelling, and it means a lot to me that you're here. NATHAN: I wouldn't have missed it. JULIAN: Okay, guys, Mouth says they're ready. BROOKE: Okay. HALEY: Okay. Go see daddy! Bye-bye! NATHAN: All right, I'll take her. BROOKE: All right. Here? MAN: We're live in 5, 4, 3... MOUTH: Today we're live from the corner of Front and Grace where, once upon a time, there sat a little diner called Karen's Café, where Haley James Scott performed and waited tables. MILLICENT: The diner then became the former home of Clothes Over Bros, where I worked for and with my good friend Brooke Davis. Brooke, what brings us here today? BROOKE: Well, today is the grand re-opening of Karen's Café, where Haley James Scott will again work and perform. But let's get started with the performance part. Ladies and gentlemen, Karen's Café is once again open for business! Haley stars to sing. Clay joins Quinn. CLAY: Your work looks amazing in here. QUINN: Thank you, baby. CLAY: Little bit selfish, though, isn't it? You know, being sexy and talented? QUINN: Stop. BASE MILITARY Chase receives no letter and he sees a tabloid that Alex is with another guy. CINEMA Quinn and Jamie saw Harry Potter the movie. JAMIE: Hermione ends up with Ron. QUINN: For now. JAMIE: For always. I think Harry took her for granted. You can't do that with girls. QUINN: So, how are things with Madison? JAMIE: Well, she gave me my shoelace back. I got her a new one and put it on her locker, but she gave that back, too. QUINN: I'm sorry, buddy. Look, all you can do is tell a girl how you feel, and the rest is up to her. And just so you know, Madison would be crazy to not see how wonderful you are. JAMIE: I just want her to like me again. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Haley are in the bed. NATHAN: Do you know why Clay named his agency "Fortitude"? Because of a conversation he had with Dan. He told Dan that he had the fortitude to face any adversity. Sometimes at night, I just try to understand how we got here. How my father became the man that he is, how I became whoever it is that I am. I just wish that he could know our children. HALEY: Mm. NATHAN: I know he can't, but...I wish that he could. HALEY: Mm. HOSPITAL Brooke passes an echography. DOCTOR: I seem to be getting two heartbeats. BROOKE: That's normal, right? I mean -- I mean, mine and the baby's? DOCTOR: Well, let me rephrase it. If we're counting yours, I seem to be getting three heartbeats. JULIAN: Are you sure, doc? I mean, does that mean... DOCTOR: Well, I've only been doing this for 30 years, but, yes. Congratulations. You're carrying twins. BROOKE: Wha... BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian makes crib of the babies. BROOKE: A little early, don't you think? JULIAN: No. The next three months will fly by, I'm sure. Come here. (Brooke is 6 mouth of her pregnancy) JULIAN: You know how I told you not to worry? Well, I guess what I should have said is, I know you're gonna worry, but when you do, I'm here. BROOKE: Okay. JULIAN: Oh-ho, God, 38. BROOKE: Wow. Ohh. JULIAN: This is our miracle, Brooke Davis. And now it's two miracles. And no girl deserves it more. SET OF SHOW Jerry announces a news to Mouth and Millie. MOUTH: Is this an orange or a grapefruit? MILLICENT: This is a grapefruit. This is an orange. MOUTH: Hmm. Maybe you should do the cooking segment. MILLICENT: Oh. MOUTH: Hey, Jerry, what's up? JERRY: I got a call from our parent station in Charlotte today. They're looking to shake up their morning show. But...there's a catch. MILLICENT: What kind of catch? MOUTH: Billy Parker. MILLICENT: Who's Billy Parker? MOUTH: Billy Parker is the host of their morning show. He's been there forever. MILLICENT: So they're looking to replace him? MOUTH: No. They're looking to help him. Right, Jerry? JERRY: Yeah. How «Billy and Millie in the morning» is sound? BASE MILITARY Chase sees Mia singing in the base in the week. CONCERT Mia sings. After, Chase comes to meet her. CHASE: Can you write "thanks for the 45 seconds of heaven"? MIA: 30. Come here! Hi! CLAY'S CAR Clay and Nathan are on the road. CLAY: You ready to get home tomorrow? NATHAN: Yes. I'm tired of hotel rooms. CLAY: One more night. We'll go see Danny Howard, then we're done. I thought that kid from Texas was good. NATHAN: Yeah. They're all good. We just to find the one that's gonna be great. When I was rehabbing my back, I used to work out at night. And there was this late-night janitor who would come in to clean up. And for weeks, we never spoke to each other. He would do his thing, I would do mine, and that was that. But then one night, he asked me why I was always there so late. And I told him that I felt like this was my last chance... And that if I didn't make it but I worked as hard as I could, that would be okay. But if I woke up some night and I realized that I could have worked harder, that would haunt me for the rest of my life. We need to find the kid who feels like that. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth and Millie talks about the job. MOUTH: You should take that job. MILLICENT: Not without you. MOUTH: Like Jerry said, it's a good market. It's a network job. MILLICENT: There will be other jobs. MOUTH: That's what I thought. I took what I had for granted, Millie, and I spent a long time trying to get it back. Charlotte isn't that far away. We can make it work. CONCERT Chase talks with Mia. MIA: Are you happy, chase? CHASE: Most days. We all have our moments, right? MIA: Mm. How's Alex? CHASE: She stopped writing. She's seeing some guy. MIA: Chase, she's a famous actress. CHASE: Yeah. I thought she'd wait for me. MIA: Did I mention she's a famous actress? CHASE: It still kind of sucks. MIA: Every night, I sing songs about love. And then I sit on my bus, and I write songs about love. And the only thing I really know about love is that it's unknowable. And now I should go before my heart gets crushed by that "so in love with her" look on your face. Come here. I'm proud of you. And I miss you. And you... Look as beautiful as ever. CHASE: Funny, I was just about to say that. You inspire me. Your goodness inspires me. Don't let the world take that. HOTEL ROOM Clay picks up Nathan. CLAY: Get dressed. NATHAN: Do you have any idea what time it is? CLAY: Yep. GYMNASIUM Clay and Nathan are going to a basketball player. CLAY: Okay, so, what did the janitor say to you? NATHAN: Dude, I was asleep like seven minutes ago. CLAY: In the gym, when you were explaining to him why you were there so late, what did he say? NATHAN: He said that if hard work matters, I'm gonna make it. Why? (A guy plays basketball) CLAY: That's why. NATHAN: Let me guess...Danny Howard. CLAY: How late were you in the gym most nights? NATHAN: 1:00 a.m., sometimes 2:00. What time is it now? CLAY: Almost 3:00. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay comes back home. He finds a new Chairy. QUINN: Hey, you. CLAY: What is this? QUINN: You seemed lonely without your chair. CLAY: I was lonely without my girl. Get over here. QUINN: Mm. This one seems comfier than the old one. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke is in the babies' room. Julian joins her. JULIAN: Hi, gorgeous. BROOKE: Sometimes I sit in here, and it feels like Christmas Eve. And I remember the...the joy and the anticipation and the excitement I felt knowing Christmas was almost here. I feel that way now. JULIAN: I know that feeling. It's how I felt when I first met you. It's how I still feel when I see you. I find myself wondering who I was before us. And I'm sure in three months, I'll be wondering who I was before we had a family. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan comes back home. He takes Lydia in his hand. Haley wakes up. NATHAN: Hey, beautiful. HALEY: Hi. I missed you. You okay? NATHAN: Yeah. I'm perfect. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke is 7 mouth of pregnancy. SCHOOL Jamie gives his pink shoelace to Madison. JAMIE: I'm sorry for taking off my shoelace. I like you. I never stopped liking you. And I'm sorry. That's all. SET OF SHOW Mouth talks with Jerry about audition. MOUTH: Thanks for checking out my roommate as a possible co-host. I think he might be pretty good. SKILLS: Oh, hell, no. MILLICENT: I'd like to audition. MOUTH: Hey. What are you doing here? MILLICENT: I won't regret it. The best part about doing this was doing it with you. I don't want Charlotte. I want "Millie and Mouth in the morning" and evening and all the time. MOUTH: "Mouth and Millie." MILLICENT: Really? SKILLS: That's just great. I'm sitting up here looking like a damn fool, my bird feet are sweating, and I don't even got the job! You know what? I'm flipping both of you the me. SCHOOL Madison gives back Jamie's pink shoelace. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay and Quinn intertwine in front of the swimming pool. CLAY: You know, after Sara died, I-I was always looking back... At what I had lost, at how my life was supposed to be. But somewhere along the way, you changed all that. And when I walk in the door and I see you, it's like the weight of my day just falls away. I miss you in forever ways. You taught me to look forward again...To days and nights with you. And I love you so much for that. QUINN: When I was a little girl, my dad used to read the paper every Sunday, and my mom would read a book nearby. And I would sit at the top of our stairs and just watch them just watch them be still together. And when I think of being in love, that's what I picture days like that...And nights like this. KAREN'S CAFE Brooke falls from a stool. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian receives a call. JULIAN: This is Julian. HOSPITAL Julian joins Brooke at her room. She gives birth to two boys. JULIAN: Brooke. Baby, I'm right here. BROOKE: I'm sorry. JULIAN: Shh. Shh. No, it's okay. You did great. BROOKE: Are they okay? JULIAN: Our sons are here. And you're here. Our family's gonna be just fine. I promise. Julian comes to see his babies. JULIAN: Hi, guys. It's daddy. I like the sound of that. I just want you to understand that you're gonna be okay. Okay? So don't be afraid or intimidated by all this stuff, you know? Because the thing is... Your mom is Brooke Davis. And her strength is enough for all of us. I promise. Hey. AIRPORT Chase waits Alex coming in. ALEX: I do love a man in uniform. CHASE: You stopped writing. ALEX: I'm sorry. CHASE: Well, I came here to tell you something, and this is it...it doesn't matter. Who we are from this moment on is all I care about. ALEX: "We"? CHASE: Yeah. We. You and me. (They kiss) CAFETARIA Nathan comes to talk with her father. NATHAN: This is my daughter, Lydia. This is Jamie's first hit. Game-winning double. DAN: Baseball. NATHAN: He loves it. DAN: Son. Thank you. RIVERCOURT Jamie and his friends play basketball. JAMIE (Voice-over): You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time in a magic town. Among magicians. CHASE: There he is. Chuck Skolnick! CHUCK: Ahh! JAMIE (Voice-over): Most everybody else didn't realize we lived in that web of magic. Connected by the silver filaments of chance and circumstance. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke is with her family. JULIAN: What are you doing, Brooke Davis, starting your next Clothes Over Bros? BROOKE: Hmm. Maybe. But these days, my life is definitely more Bros Over Clothes. JAMIE (Voice-over): But I knew it all along. JULIAN: Whoa, whose baby is that? BROOKE: This is our baby. This is Davis. Davis, can you wake up? Hmm? Whose daddy got? Is that jude? JAMIE (Voice-over): See, this is my opinion we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand." LYDIA'S BEDROOM Jamie reads a book to Lydia. JAMIE: "But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible." KAREN'S CAFE Jamie joins at the café to eat with her. HALEY: Hey! Oh! Go wash up for dinner. JAMIE: Okay. HALEY: Okay. JAMIE (Voice-over): Told to act our age. And you know why we were told that? CAFETARIA Dan eats and looks at picture of Lydia. JAMIE (Voice-over): Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth. And because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they'd allowed to wither in themselves. LYDIA'S BEDROOM Jamie continues to read a book to Lydia. JAMIE: "After you go so far away from it, you can't really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering." CINEMA Alex watches a movie with Chase. ALEX (Voice-over): When people get weepy at movies, it's because in that dark theatre, the golden pool of magic is touched...Just briefly. Mouth and Millie leave the cinema. MOUTH (Voice-over): Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they're left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why. KAREN'S CAFE Haley sings for Nathan. HALEY (Voice-over): When a song stirs a memory... CLINN'S HOUSE Clay reads the paper and Quinn reads a book nearby. QUINN (Voice-over): When motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world... CAFETARIA Dan looks at a picture of Lydia. DAN (Voice-over): When you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and you wonder where it might be going... BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian and Brooke are in their bed with their babies. BROOKE (Voice-over): You step beyond who you are and where you are. BRIDGE Jamie dribbles on the bridge like Lucas in the first episode. JAMIE (Voice-over): For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm. That's what I believe. End of the episode.
Plan: A: Brooke; Q: Who gives birth to twin boys? A: Karen's Café; Q: What do Haley and Brooke prepare to re-open? A: Nathan and Clay travel; Q: What do Nathan and Clay do to find new clients? A: Nathan; Q: Who visits Dan? A: new clients; Q: What do Nathan and Clay travel in search of? A: Chase; Q: Who leaves for the Air Force? A: the Air Force; Q: Where does Chase go after Alex and Chuck are disappointed? A: Millie; Q: Who does Mouth start a morning show with? A: Gavin DeGraw; Q: Who performed the opening theme song? Summary: Haley and Brooke prepare to re-open Karen's Café, and Nathan and Clay travel in search of new clients. Alex and Chuck are disappointed after Chase leaves for the Air Force, and Mouth and Millie start their new morning show together. Brooke gives birth to twin boys, Davis and Jude. Nathan also visits Dan. This episode is named after a song by We Were Promised Jetpacks . Opening theme song performed by Gavin DeGraw .
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Anne: Cotton! Aah! Mary: John was the only man I ever loved. And the saddest part is, he died not knowing it. Cotton: But you're dead. [Grunts] Hathorne: You cannot hide behind your husband anymore, Mary Sibley. George: What do you want from me? Mary: Silence your bitter enemy, Hathorne. Wainwright: I'll try and be gentle. Mary: Don't bother. [Gasps] Von Marburg: We will meet again, little owl. Until then, tell no one that we have met. Mary: [Muffled scream] Von Marburg: Their time for knowing me is not yet. Mary: I shall use the young Anne Hale to make a water charm to warn me if it draws near. Von Marburg: [Chuckles] Sebastian: I have been feeling something nearly new. Von Marburg: What is it, my love? Sebastian: Excitement. Von Marburg: Mmm. What wind fills your jaded sails? Sebastian: Mary Sibley. You have been most selfish and cruel. Days ago, your hag kissed her, and you tasted her very essence. Von Marburg: Well, I have told you everything. Sebastian: Told me, yes. But I want to taste her. You let me taste Anne Hale. Why not her? Von Marburg: I'm still swirling it myself for insight. Sebastian: These are simple folk. What could possibly elude you? Von Marburg: We're not all as obvious as you, my dear son. Unlike men, women keep their most sensitive parts hidden within. And our beautiful Mary Sibley... now, she has more and deeper secrets than most. Sebastian: Such as? Von Marburg: It's clear that she has launched the grand rite. But how can she hope to complete the consecration without a sacrificial lamb? Sebastian: Perhaps you give her too much credit. Perhaps she is merely ignorant of what a true consecration demands. Von Marburg: I doubt it. She's hardly what I'd call a wise woman, but she's no fool. She knew enough to take the only virgin witch in her hive and use her to make a warning sign, and worse, to seal my little peephole into her kingdom. Sebastian: The minx. By your leave, ma'am, I would sip her essence. Or perhaps you are jealous, afraid I will like the taste too much. Von Marburg: [Chuckles] Very well. Just once. Sebastian: [Moans] Bitter, sweet, and sharp, like tears in wine. I must have more. Von Marburg: Don't be a greedy boy. You will see her soon enough. The "little minx," as you call her, has forced my hand. Tell the captain to lift anchor, and once he has made his way out of Boston Harbor, I will send a stiff wind to speed our way to Salem. Sebastian: And to Mary Sibley. Von Marburg: [Sighs] Oh, before you go, Schatzi, a little help? ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Boy: Good day, Mother. Mary: John. Is everything all right? Boy: You were screaming last night. It scared me. Mary: Oh, it was but a harmless nightmare. Boy: You did not look scared. Mary: Were you in here? What did you see? Answer me. Tituba: If you wanted to know how it felt to be a slave, you had but to ask. I hope the good doctor cured whatever it was that ailed you. Mary: What I do to arouse my powers is no concern of yours. Tituba: You are wrong. Everything you do or fail to do is my concern. Our new magistrate has called an emergency meeting of the selectmen this midday. Mary: What does that ass want now? Tituba: They say Hathorne offers a way to save Salem from the plague... your head on a platter. Mary: Mm. He is hardly the only one who wishes that. And I shall be as prepared for him as I am for the others who would take me on. John: [Grunts] Cotton: [Grunts] [Grunts] [Muffled] What happened to you, John? John: I fought fire with fire and got burned. [Snorts] Cotton: John, please. John, please. Let me out of here! John: "The spawn of a witch be a witch." Cotton: [Sobs] John: Be quiet! Or I'll put you back to sleep for good. Cotton: Let me out of here so we can just talk! John: Okay, talk. Cotton: I understand the hate you feel for my family, but must you avenge yourself on my books? John: I'll take what I need. Cotton: And destroy my life's collection in the process. What are you after? John: To finish the job that you and your father couldn't. Cotton: You are one man, a wanted man at that. It's a fool's errand. John: You should know. You come from a long line of them. Cotton: I know more about the prey you hunt than anyone. Let us join forces. John: Nah. This time, I work alone. Cotton: And face death on your own, as well? John: I do not fear death. Cotton: No man alive doesn't fear death. John: Who says I'm alive? Cotton: What happened to you, John? What did you mean, "fire with fire?" John: [Grunts] [Mouse squeaking] Anne: Do you like being a mouse, Jenkins? Though are you really a mouse or a familiar, whatever that may be? I will tell you a secret, Little, Brown Jenkins. I do not think I like being a witch. [Knock on door] [Gasps] [Door creaks] Oh, Mr. Hathorne. You'll find me ill-prepared for visitors at present. If you'd call later... Hathorne: Sadly, I come on an urgent matter best discussed behind closed doors. Have you given thought to our earlier conversation? Anne: About the dangers facing a young, orphaned, unattached maiden? Yes. Threats surround me. They say the most treacherous of wolves may appear in a lamb's cloak. Hathorne: So true. No, there is talk in Salem, much talk, about you and your trip from Boston. Anne: [Scoffs] I rode with Reverend Mather. It was perfectly innocent. He is... Hathorne: The talk is of witchcraft. A militia man guarding the entrance to Salem was brutally killed. Anne: But I had nothing to do with that. Hathorne: Your accuser is a drunkard and a thief... in fact, a disgrace to his position. But talk, like fire, needs but a breath to propel it. You remember the pitiful fate of young Bridget Bishop? Anne: Indeed. Who could forget seeing a dear, innocent friend hung? Hathorne: There is but one sure way to avoid you suffering the same fate, if not a worse one... burning at the stake... Anne: [Inhales sharply] Hathorne: Marry me. Anne: [Laughs nervously] Sir, I... I hardly think this is the time... Hathorne: No, it is indeed the only time, considering your predicament. Anne: Forgive me, magistrate. Since the recent death of my parents, my fragile mind is so clouded. Hathorne: Let me cut through the clouds and be very clear. [Door creaks] As wife of the magistrate, no one would dare accuse you. But if you rebuff my overture, I can do nothing to protect you. [Chicken clucking] Mercy: Dollie, hurry up! You're late for breakfast! Rev. Lewis: [Chanting indistinctly] Mercy: The lord hates a laggard. Right, Father? Rev. Lewis: For that which we are about to receive, may the lord make us truly grateful. Mercy: Amen. Now let's eat. [Knives scraping] Don't worry. I'm no puritan torturer. He feels nothing, thanks to my little physic. But I will have my fill. You're not hungry? [Clears throat] Dollie: Mercy, my friend, my sister, what are you doing? Mercy: Doing? What I am doing is a great honor to poor Isaac. [Utensils clack] When I have eaten you to death, I will command your ghostly spirit, and you shall enjoy the greatest role of your miserable life... as the assassin that Mary Sibley never saw coming. Mary: That loathsome lizard Hathorne plans to challenge us today, challenge you. I humiliated him in front of the whole common yesterday, but I fear I went too far. The problem with cornering a rat is you give them no choice but to attack, and you must be ready. George: Ready? What more do you want from me? I lied in the face of my own selectmen, threw a white veil over all you've done. [Cup clatters] [Gurgling] Mary: You fool. Repeat after me ... "I am nothing." George: [Gurgling] I am nothing. Mary: Your every breath is at my whim. George: [Coughs] Thinking you even capable of helping, for being even slightly worthy of continued existence, let alone any measure of real life. No, no, I should just be done with you now. George: No! [Coughs] I beg you, ignore my vile words. I'm nothing, a worm, not worthy of the effort it'd take to kill me. Mary: That's right. So understand this... there is more work to be done, George. Rise to this occasion, not only will you live, but you may yet taste real delights. George: Yes, mistress. Mary: Excellent. The last of the Founding Fathers must rise up and protect our good name. I'm depending on you, George, to show Salem that you are still a giant among men. Anne: [Sighs] [Sighs] [Gasps] Oh! I didn't see you there. I need to see Mrs. Sibley. I was told to wait in here. And who are you? My name is Anne. I... Boy: Your hair... Anne: Yes. Boy: ... It looks like fire and smells of cinnamon. Anne: Oh! Boy: I wonder what it will smell like when you burn. Anne: Burn? [Footsteps approaching] Mary: I see you've met our nephew. Anne: That boy is a relation of yours? Mary: Of Mr. Sibley's. He's staying with us a spell. Anne: Your nephew's words were unsettling. He's unlike any boy I've ever met. Mary: Have you met many? Anne: Hathorne came to me today. Mary: That man is no end of trouble. Anne: He demanded I marry him, and if I refuse, he's all but promised to have me examined for witchcraft. Mary: Ooh, unfortunate, since you are a witch. Anne: I braved the horrors of that hag in that well for you. Now you must help me. Mary: And I shall. I will tell you exactly what to do... marry him. Anne: But you said you would protect me. Mary: 'Tis the way of the world, for now. We women are utterly defenseless without a man. A woman's beauty is her only power, so for us, a man's power must be his beauty. I had to endure the sweaty molestations of Mr. Sibley for his power. Now you will do the same 'neath Mr. Hathorne. Anne: I could no more marry him than I could a pox-ridden drunkard from knockers hole. Mary: Perhaps there is another choice. I doubt you're ready to make it happen. Anne: What? Anything. Please tell me, I beg you. Mary: Set your sights higher, dear girl. Convince Cotton Mather to marry you. However low Cotton has fallen, he is still the confluence of two great rivers... the Cottons and the Mathers, the two most prominent and richest families in the land. When you are Anne Mather, the magistrate wouldn't dare accuse you of being a witch. Anne: He is very kind and tender, and perhaps if I went to him and explained about Hathorne... Mary: Do not fool yourself. Whatever he feels for you, Cotton will not ask you to marry him, not of his own free will. Anne: How do you know? Mary: Because he's married to his books and his bottle and his self-pity. And on top of that, he's still in love with another whom he can never have... a whore named Gloriana. Anne: Then what use even mentioning him? Mary: Remember what you are, Anne... a witch. You have no need to wait for men to make their choices. You must make it for him. Anne: Perhaps he will simply choose to have me. Mary: Well, give him that opportunity if you must, but be prepared to do what is necessary or burn. Anne: [Exhales sharply] Mary: If you would control a man's heart, you must first control your own. You must take a piece of him and leave a piece of you and offer up something that you love. Anne: Is that all? Mary: Not quite. There are words to be spoken. But first, there is the matter of the countess you met in Boston. Tell me everything you know of her. Anne: I don't know what you're talking about. Mary: If there is one thing you should take away from this conversation, child, it's this... you are in my hive. I'm your Samhain, and you are an Essex witch. You cannot hide anything from me. Anne: [Voice breaking] Please, do not make me betray my promise. I fear what she will do if I speak of her. Mary: Fear what I will do or won't do if you do not. Anne: She calls herself the Countess Ingrid Palatine Von Marburg. [SCENE_BREAK] Dollie: Shh. Shh. [Sniffling] Her heart is so filled with hate. Isaac: You let her pour her vitriol on me, not you. I'm already destroyed. Dollie: No, you are not. You have a strong heart and a dear one. I knew from the moment that you first looked at me. No trace of the hatred that I deserved, only forgiveness. Isaac: You had no choice. Dollie: [Sniffles] No. We all have a choice. We have nothing else. We always have a choice. And I choose you. Mercy: Dollie! Isaac: Don't anger her more. You must go. Please. I couldn't bear to see her hurt you. Go. Cotton: [Breathing shakily] John: Nobody can know I'm alive. Cotton: Kill me if you will. I told you once before when you held a knife to my throat, I am ready for hell. But let me say two words before you do... Mary Sibley. [Grunts] John: What about her? Cotton: I saw her yesterday. I saw her as I've never seen her before, as a woman in love... with you. You'd never know she suffers the torments of hell believing that you had died without knowing. John: Knowing? Cotton: That she has always loved you. And she still does. [Exhales sharply] Will you not put her out of her misery? John: Lord knows I may. [Knock at door] Anne: Cotton? Cotton, please open the door. [Sighs] I know you're inside. Lamb told me you've been locked away all day. I need your advice. Something of mine. Something of his. Let the blame fall on me. [Lock disengages] Cotton. I have no father to ask, and you are the best man I know, the wisest and the kindest, so you must advise me. Cotton: Um, certainly, anything. Um... [Chuckles] What is it? Anne: Hathorne has asked me to marry him. Cotton: What? How dare he? Anne: No. He has much to offer... safety, security. Do you think I should marry him? Cotton: Uh, I... I... I don't know what to say. Anne: If you say I should, I shall. Cotton: Do you love him? Anne: What has love to do with marriage in such a world? Cotton: I... I'm sorry. This is all very sudden, and the... the moment is very ill-timed. I fear I have no advice for you. [Exhales sharply] I'm sorry. Anne: As am I. Cotton: I'm sorry. Hathorne: Surely God does not intend his flock to perish at the hands of devil worshipers and plague. Instead, I believe these are omens sent from the almighty to tell us we must all leave Salem... [All murmuring] .. continue our exodus south to the Carolinas, to a land which was settled and owned by my family for two generations, where the soil is fertile, where a puritan man may plant his seed and watch his family grow. Our promised land awaits. And so, humbly, I stand before you, divinely called to be your Moses and lead you there! George Sibley was a giant in his day, but the sun has set on that day. And if it is not to set on all our days, we must have a new leader. Man: Yes, yes. [All murmuring] Mary: George, say something. George! Hathorne: I ask you this simple question... did god intend you to be led to the true promised land by a man who cannot even walk? Mary: George, oppose him now. This is your last chance to end your suffering. George: Moses! Damned impudence to appoint oneself our Moses and claim to do so humbly. This man's pride is worthy of Satan himself, not Moses. Much greater men than you, sir, made a covenant with the almighty, and they landed on these shores... men named Endecott, Skelton, Alden, and Sibley! We crossed the river Jordan to this, our promised land, Salem, not some inherited parcel from which we could... Hathorne: Mr. Sibley, how dare you?! George: Silence! We have overcome crop failures, epidemics, Indian raids, even witches. Shall we abandon our promised land now? What would the lord himself say to that?! [Thunder cracks] [All murmuring] God hears us and speaks! [Thunder cracks] Tituba: You're sure it is her? Mary: Yes. There can be no doubt. It is the countess Anne told me of. And as her ship bears down upon us from the wine dark sea, the boiling increases. Tituba: Oh, I should have known. The way the hag kissed you... that is the German witch's way. It's one of her signatures. Mary: Calm yourself. Tituba: Calm myself? You never heard or heeded the stories the elders told, never interested yourself in history. Mary: No, only in the future. Tituba: More is the pity. Did you never wonder what happened to the witches of the other old lands... the Scythians, the Magyars, the Roma? Only a handful of the old breeds survive, hidden in Burrows or scattered like dust on the wind. What happened to them? Not witch hunters, but her. Mary: I am not of the old breed, but the new, and I'm not afraid of her. Tituba: You perhaps, but what of the boy? For his safety, I should take him back to the woods. Mary: Fine, just for tonight. But hurry back, for I have had fair warning, but they shall have none. Rev. Lewis: You'll damn your soul to hell, my child. Mercy: No, no. You did that. And as long as I must dwell in hell, I might as well rule it. Rev. Lewis: How will you do that? Mercy: Destroy Mary Sibley, beginning tonight. I shall finish with Isaac. I shall eat his heart straight from his chest, and then his ghost will be mine to command. [Growls] Isaac: [Gasps] She'll kill you if she catches you. Dollie: Be quiet so she doesn't. [Knife rings] Isaac: Aah! [Whimpering] Dollie: Sorry. I'm sorry. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Rev. Lewis: [Sighs] Dollie: Shh, shh! Isaac: [Groans] [Groans] Rev. Lewis: You foolish child. Dollie: [Gasps] Rev. Lewis: Aah! [Grunts] [Thunder rumbles] [Rain pattering] Mary: You've done well, George. Continue to aid me with the same vigor and authority, and you shall have all you've been promised and so much more. I may even let you have a taste of what you never have... your own willing wife. George: [Groans] Mary: But not now, not tonight. If I'm to have the full measure of your manhood, I need you well-rested, and I have work to do. Such a good boy, aren't you? happy to have a little sleep for me and dream of all that's to come when you awake? Aw. [Slurping] Tituba: The ship approaches. We must do something. Mary: It is time to aim for the rails of our enemy's ship. Tituba: I don't like it. I fear you facing her alone will prove too dangerous. Mary: Then guard me well. [Rain pattering] Man: Haul in the sail! [Indistinct shouting] Mary: Like brass to fire, like stick to flame, heed my words, know my name. Faster than light, dark corners seek. Lick to flame, my vengeance wreak. Man: Fire! Fire below! All hands on deck! [Bell ringing] Fire in the hold! All hands! All hands! All hands! [Indistinct shouting] [Thunder rumbles] Von Marburg: What a pleasant surprise. Mary: You stalk the halls of my home, yet you stand on the ship before me. How? Von Marburg: My gifts go far beyond the rudimentary powers of your witch stick... Or your attempt to burn my ship. Your flames have been snuffed out. Mary: The flames have fulfilled their intended purpose. You and I are alone. Von Marburg: Alone with one you clearly know nothing of. And yet I know so much about you, except for the few secrets that you keep so well. Mary: Come. Find my secrets, if you dare. Von Marburg: Oh, no. For the future of the grand rite, let us trade words for now, not wounds. I will admit you're impressive for a common Essex witch. Mary: Has our hive not survived when so many others have perished? Von Marburg: Yes. But your strength is also your weakness. You are, as you said, a hive filled with lovely, little bees, but no true queen. You are in reality mere sister drones, little, meek equals whose power is shared. Why, you're like the foot of a pyramid. But you will make a fine and mighty base for one more naturally designed to rule. Mary: You? Von Marburg: Well, you can put a crown on a sow's head and it doesn't make it a queen. A true queen is not made. She is born in the earth's womb and destined to rule forever. Mary: You arrogant bitch. I know about you and all your failures. You won't touch a hair on my head. Anne Hale told me you were desperate to know who completed the grand rite. Now you know. I alone succeeded where you failed. Oh, mighty queen of failure. I completed the grand rite, and I alone will open the gate for our dark lord. Tis my accomplishment and none of your own. Von Marburg: No, that's where you are wrong, little sister. Your accomplishment is not only my concern, but my destiny. Mary: Listen, old thing. You gave up your birthright when increase Mather snatched it away. Your grand rite died a failure. Von Marburg: Careful. Your next word may be your last. Mary: Your words are nothing but air. We both know you need me. You need me to complete the consecration. I hold the reins, not you. And terrorizing my hive and killing one of my own will not sway me from my destiny. Von Marburg: You're right. I do need you. But soon, you will come to see how much you need me, too. And you are gravely mistaken, little sister. Other than our watery encounter, I've not touched an Essex witch yet. It would appear there is another enemy at your gates. Mary: Then let us use this common threat as reason to unite. What difference does it make who holds the key and who opens the gate? All witches will benefit from our dark lord's arrival. Let us work together in this noble cause. Von Marburg: What I cannot understand is how such a one as you came from so low and dishonest a hive and how you tolerated their lies and their mistreatment for all these years. Time and again, they have robbed you of your most precious possession... your free will. Correct me if those Essex whores have ever treated you as what you have always been... their natural superior. No, for I promise you only this, Mary Sibley. I will never doubt your true worth. And as evidence of my pledge, in your house, I have left a token of my appreciation. Mary: [Gasping] Tituba. Tituba. Tituba: [Gasping] Mercy: [Screaming] Rev. Lewis: [Groans] Mercy: Find them! [Sobs] [Screaming] Isaac: [Groans] This way. Anne: If I do nothing, I must burn as a witch or cede my body and soul to that horrible man. [Sniffles] I know what I do is wrong, taking a good man's will, but what choice do I have? A black rose grow in his heart. Write my name and let it start. Wrap it round with walls of Thorn. Let his mad love for me be born. I left my best ribbon, something of mine. I took his hair, something of his. What else? [Gasps] Something I love. [Voice breaking] But I have nothing and no one to love. [Mouse squeaking] [Bones crunching] [Sobs, gasps] Mary: In the light of dawn, we shall weigh Marburg's pledge of peace. [Rain pattering] [Water trickling] [Door creaks]
Plan: A: Mary; Q: Who takes the fight directly to her newest foes, Countess Marburg and her son, Sebastian? A: Mary's public chastening; Q: What event caused Hathorne to step up his bid to take over Salem? A: the recently minted Magistrate Hathorne; Q: Who is trying to take power from Mary? A: Hathorne; Q: Who does Anne Hale want to marry? A: his bid; Q: What does Hathorne step up to wrest power from Mary? A: her bewitched husband; Q: Who does Mary have to compel to take action? A: the young Witch; Q: Who sought Mary's advice when Hathorne threatened Anne Hale? A: Mary's council; Q: What does Anne Hale seek when she is threatened with being accused of witchcraft? A: sound advice; Q: What does Anne Hale receive from Mary? A: a fearful and unappealing cost; Q: What is the cost of Anne Hale's advice? A: Lewis; Q: What Reverend is Dollie's Reverend? A: her revenge; Q: What is Mercy Lewis preparing to enact? A: new heights; Q: How far does Mercy Lewis' revenge reach? A: her Reverend Lewis; Q: Who does Mercy Lewis draw closer to? A: one; Q: How many of Mercy Lewis' allies does she force to act? A: his righteous task; Q: What does John Alden continue to pursue? A: valuable results; Q: What does John Alden's search for answers yield? A: surprising results; Q: What happens when Mary takes the fight directly to her newest foes? Summary: Following Mary's public chastening, the recently minted Magistrate Hathorne steps up his bid to wrest power over the citizenry of Salem from her, forcing Mary to once again compel her bewitched husband to take action. When Hathorne threatens against Anne Hale-giving her the choice of marriage to him or be accused of witchcraft-it prompts the young Witch to seek Mary's council. She receives sound advice to either marry Hathorne or Cotton. But it comes at a fearful and unappealing cost. Mercy Lewis' grisly preparations to enact her revenge reach new heights, drawing Dollie and her Reverend Lewis closer in the process, and forcing the hand of one of her increasingly tenuous allies. Meanwhile, as John Alden continues to pursue his righteous task, his search for answers yields valuable results, and Mary takes the fight directly to her newest foes, Countess Marburg and her son, Sebastian, with surprising results.
[N.B. This episode originally had a subplot about Daphne trying to expand her physical therapy clientele, featuring actress Ana Gasteyer as a physical therapist observing the techniques Daphne used with Martin. Director David Lee later said the subplot hadn't turned out as well as hoped, so the subplot was scrapped. Gasteyer returned to play housekeeper Trish Haney in [10.07] "Bristle While You Work," which was filmed after this episode.] [Act 1 Scene 1 -Frasier's Apartment Martin is lying prone on a gurney. Daphne massages his hip.] Martin: Ow! All right, all right, I'll talk! Just make the pain stop. Daphne: Oh, shut up. I'm just trying to get the blood flowing. Martin: Oh, more like make me hemorrhage. Daphne: Don't tempt me. Martin: Oh, God, you broke something! Daphne: Too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole! There, we're done, you big baby. Martin: [genuinely disappointed] What, already? [rising] Oh, that felt great! Oh! I feel like a new man. I love your new table. Daphne: Oh, you're sweet. Can I make you a sandwich? Martin: Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. Oh, by the way, Daph, you know, they're showing the first-ever episode of Rockford today. If you're really serious about becoming an American citizen, maybe you ought to watch it. [Martin sits in his chair. Frasier and Niles enter. Frasier is holding an envelope.] Niles: Well, now you've opened it. That's mail theft. Frasier: Nonsense. Martin: What's going on? Frasier: Nothing. Just another piece of Cam Winston's mail has found its way into our box. It's been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes. Even after I gave the postman a stern lecture. Martin: Especially after. Frasier: Anyway, it was an honest mistake. Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists, and I'm sure mine is in his box. Besides, it's nothing personal, look, it's just an announcement for some place called La Porte d'Argent. Martin: Probably just another froufrou restaurant or froufrou clothing store. Frasier: No, no, no, this is not "froufrou," Dad, as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam. Niles: [taking the letter and sniffing] Hmm. Frasier: They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele. Niles: Hmm. Oh! La Porte d'Argent! Someone at the racquet club was talking about this. It's very, very exclusive. Frasier: [excitedly] Yes? Niles: That's all I know. Some ill-mannered person started up his blow dryer before I could hear any more. Daphne: [entering from the kitchen with Martin's sandwich] Hello! Niles: Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Did I get one of these [holding up the announcement] in the mail today? Daphne: No, I don't think so. Frasier: [grabbing the announcement] Poor Niles. Daphne: What's this about? Martin: Oh, they're all worked up about some smelly invitation Frasier stole to some place they never heard of. Daphne: [unsurprised] Oh. Frasier: Yes, but that's what's so intriguing, Dad, that there exists an exclusive place in Seattle that neither of us knows about. [Niles picks up the phone and starts dialing.] Niles: [rising] It could be an art gallery, or a new haberdashery. Martin: Or an Italian shoelace boutique. [Daphne laughs at this.] Niles: What's happening? Frasier: It's a machine. It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What'll I do? Martin: Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out "SNOBBY"? [Frasier glares at him.] Niles: You know, it might be worth a try. [Frasier punches it in, listens, then grimaces.] Frasier: Oh, denied! Niles: Oh! The allure of the Porte D'Argent has increased tenfold! Frasier: All right, here's our plan. We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and, once we've tapped into their mainframe, La Porte D'Argent will give up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night! Martin: Why don't you just go down there and ask them what they do? [Frasier and Niles look taken aback.] Frasier: All right, Dad, that's a "Plan B". [SCENE_BREAK] PLAN B Scene 2 - La Porte D'Argente [Fade in. Frasier comes into the reception area, admires the stylish decor and then goes to the front desk.] Frasier: Hello. Uh, is this La Porte D'Argent? Receptionist: Yes, it is. Frasier: Ah, good. Say, someone was asking me earlier today about La Porte D'Argent, and I had a difficult time characterizing it. What would you tell him? Receptionist: We try to discourage word of mouth. Frasier: That's exactly what I said. So, well, I'm here to take advantage of your offer. [He hands the invitation over.] Receptionist: Sure. Can I have your name, please? Frasier: Yes. Frasier Crane. Receptionist: [typing it into the computer] I'm not finding you. Frasier: Try Doctor Frasier Crane. Perhaps you've heard my popular radio show. Receptionist: I'm not really a radio person. I'm sorry Dr. Crane, you're not on the list, I can't let you in. Frasier: But I have an invitation. Receptionist: Yes, but you're not on the list. Frasier: Yes, but I do have an invitation! Receptionist: But you aren't on the LIST. Frasier: Yes, well, if I was on the list, I wouldn't need an invitation, I'd just say "I'm on the list." Therefore, the invitation supercedes the list. Receptionist: No, invitations are given out only to those on the list. Frasier: Ah-ha. But you do concede that I do have a valid invitation? Receptionist: Yes. Frasier: Then it naturally follows that I would be on the list. Receptionist: But you're not. Frasier: Then how did I GET the invitation? Receptionist: I really don't know. You could have stolen it... [He returns to his work. Niles comes into the reception area.] Frasier: Are you accusing me of deception? [He notices Niles.] Frasier: Cam! Cam Winston! There you are. [He gestures Niles over.] Niles: [in a deep voice] Hello, Frasier. Frasier: You know, while I was waiting for you, I decided to test the mettle of this young man. I'm pleased to report that he follows the rules of La Porte D'Argent to the letter. [He and Niles laugh heartily.] Frasier: Anyway, I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston's here. He told me to meet him here, gave me the invitation and here I am. Niles: Yes, I'm Cam Winston and he's my guest and I asked him to meet me here. [The receptionist checks his records, then hands folders across to them.] Receptionist: Here you are, Mr. Winston. Welcome to La Porte D'Argent. Frasier: Ah, thank you. Receptionist: I hope you both enjoy your stay. Take a moment to look over our services and I'll be back in just a moment. [He heads through a silver door and the boys look over the folders.] Frasier: [excited] Niles, it's a day spa! Niles: [still in a deep voice] Good gravy, this is fantastic! Frasier: Would you stop talking like that? That's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I've ever heard. Niles: You've heard another one? Frasier: Of course not. Niles: Then it's the best! [They take seats.] Frasier: Now you're stuck talking like that all day. [The receptionist comes back out. Niles and Frasier rise and he holds out cards to them.] Receptionist: Here are your keys, gentlemen. Your estheticians will be with you shortly. Frasier: Thank you. Niles: [booming] Thank you. [He clears his throat and talks normally.] Niles: Thank you. Oh, I've been waiting for that all morning. [Frasier gives him a dry look as the receptionist leaves again. They return to their seats and look over their choices.] Frasier: Oh, Niles, the arovetic massage sounds splendid: two therapists at once, using hot stones and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha. Niles: I think I'll have the aromatherapy Swedish. Frasier: Oh, Niles, look at this bounty! Take a risk, be a man! Niles: [looking at the folder again] The chardonnay/rose hip salt glow? Frasier: Now that's more like it. [An attendant comes out and hands them bundles with robes and sandals.] Niles: Hello. Frasier: Lovely. Attendant: Right this way. [She leads them off.] Niles: Frasier, Frasier! River rocks and a stalk of wheat! Frasier: Ooh. [They follow the young lady through the door. Fade out.] AFTER THE RUBBIN' Scene 3 - La Porte D'Argent [Fade in. Frasier and Niles are putting their jackets back on after their therapies.] Niles: I knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good! I feel like I've been rubbed by angels. Frasier: Niles, I just wish you had tried the vusattasen aqua-treatment. I feel as if I'd had a rebirthing experience. I've never felt better in my life. Niles: I'm so polished my entire body is squeaking. [He shifts. They step up to check out.] Frasier: Hello. Clerk: How was everything? Niles: Heaven. Frasier: Nirvana. Clerk: I'm so glad. Now, this is a breakdown of your services. [She hands them bills and they choke slightly upon reading them.] Frasier: Nirvana ain't cheap. Well, it's worth it, I suppose. What do you say we make this a standing appointment, Niles? Niles: Well, I think we owe it to ourselves. Frasier: Yes. Clerk: I'd be happy to set that up. Now, I've also put together a personal La Porte D'Argent product system for each of you, based on the recommendations of your estheticians. [She hands them bags and they gasp in delight at the contents. Frasier tries a mist spray.] Frasier: Oh, Niles, this smells great. Try that. Clerk: Ah, the mid-afternoon anti-stress spritz. Niles: [studying something] I've never even heard of eyelash conditioner. Frasier: Ah, hence the brittle lashes. [Niles brushes some on, then notices a man going through a gold door.] Niles: Say, isn't that Senator Ogden? Frasier: It is! Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better. Balanced skin and social advancement all in one setting. I'm going to go say hello. [He heads over, but the Senator has already gone through. Frasier presses on the door.] Clerk: I'm sorry. That area is restricted to our gold level members. Niles: You have a gold level? How do you get in? Clerk: You'd have to be on the list. Frasier: Well, we ARE on the list. Clerk: The GOLD list. Frasier: This is absurd! I am a member of every exclusive club in this entire town. You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them. Clerk: I'm sorry. But you're more than welcome to enjoy the many amenities of the silver level. Frasier: And just how are we supposed to enjoy this!? [He angrily sprays the anti-stress spritz in his face.] Frasier: And this isn't working! [He stands there fuming as Niles applies more eyelash conditioner. Fade out.] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Martin is in his chair and Daphne is on the couch, watching TV.] Daphne: You never told me Rockford was Maverick. Martin: Well, technically he isn't Maverick in this, he's Rockford. Even though we all know he's secretly Maverick. Daphne: I can see why you like this show. Martin: Yeah, what's not to like? Solving crimes, pretty girls, car chases... Daphne: Leisure suits. Martin: Yeah. Daphne: Rockford's dad reminds me of you. Martin: [brow furrowing] What are you talkin' about? Daphne: Rockford's dad. You're just like him: cranky but loveable. Martin: The hell I am! I'm like Rockford. Daphne: How'd you get that? Martin: Well, come on: he solves crimes, I solved crimes. We're both in tune with the beat of the street. He's the kind of guy that men want to be and women want to be with. When this show first came out, everybody used to say I was like Rockford. Daphne: I'm sorry, I don't see it. You still remind me of his dad. Martin: Rocky? But he's old. [realizing the implication] Oh, I see. Daphne: I didn't mean that. I just meant there's something about him that reminds me of you. Martin: His oldness? Daphne: Oh, stop it! If you want to be Rockford, you can be Rockford, I don't care. Martin: Fine, then let's just watch it. [They watch for a few moment, Martin quietly stewing. Then he grabs the remote and turns off the TV.] Martin: I don't want to watch this anymore. Congratulations, you ruined Rockford for me. [Frasier and Niles come in the front door.] Niles: I had a nagging feeling the whole time they were holding something back on purpose. Frasier: "Blended for your dosha," indeed! They wouldn't know my dosha if they fell over it! Daphne: So what kind of hoity toity place did it end up being? [Frasier paces around as Niles goes to get sherry.] Frasier: It was a hell-hole! They had the nerve to call it a day spa, when it's nothing more than a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door! Martin: If you didn't go in, how do you know it's better? Frasier: It had to be! The door was gold, ours was only silver. Gold is better than silver. [He sits down as Niles brings sherries over.] Niles: [muttering] Stupid silver. [He hands Frasier his sherry as Daphne rises and gives him a hug.] Daphne: Well, you'll always be in my exclusive club, honey. Niles: Oh, thanks. And that's all I need. [He sits next to Frasier.] Niles: There must be somebody who can get us in. Frasier: Let's go comb our Rolodexes! [They both rise.] Niles: Yes, there has to be a way out of the slum they call the silver room. [Frasier heads to his room as Niles goes out the front.] Niles: Why do I keep squeaking!? [He closes the door behind him. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table. Roz comes in.] Roz: Hey, Frasier. Wait 'til you see this. It is so cool. [She sits down.] Frasier: Really? Well, I could use something to balm my wounds. Painful as it is, I've come to accept that I shall never pass through that spa's gold door. Roz: Anyway, I was filing your new head shot... Frasier: Yes? Roz: And I started looking at your old ones, I went back to when you first started? [She holds up a stack of photos and quickly flips through them, laughing. Frasier gets a sour look on his face as she does it again.] Roz: Woo. Frasier: What am I looking at? Roz: Oh, it's like an animation of your hairline receding. Isn't that great? Okay, wait now, here's the good part: [she flips them the other way] it's growing back! Receding... growing back. Frasier: Yes, yes, all right Roz, that's enough! All right! [He grabs at the photos to stop her. Niles comes in.] Roz: Oh, don't be so sensitive. Niles: Hi. Roz: Hi. Frasier: Oh, Niles, no good news, I suppose. Niles: I've had no luck getting us into the gold level. Roz: Are you guys really this bent out of shape over that gold spa? Frasier: Yes! Roz: Why can't you be happy with the silver one? Niles: Gold is better. Roz: Bull! The only reason why you want to go there is because you can't! Frasier: We saw a senator go in there. A senator! We elected him, he works for us! How is it fair that our employee is admitted while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?! Roz: It's a spa! How much better could it be? I mean, are they gonna carry you around like a sultan? You gonna be massaged by supermodels? And what if you do get through the gold door? What next, the diamond door? And after that a titanium door! And after that a plutonium door! Niles: Oh, that's ridiculous. Plutonium's radioactive, no one's going to make a door out of it. Frasier: Although Roz does make a point, Niles. What kind of fantasy are we chasing? [He sighs.] Roz: See? I'm right. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden. Roz: It was Senator Ogden? [laughing] I know him. Niles: You do? Roz: Yeah, he really owes me one, too. Want me to give him a call? Frasier: Would you? Absolutely! Niles: How do you know Senator Ogden? Roz: Well, I knew him a few years ago when his marriage was on the rocks. We kept it very hush-hush. Thank God I knew CPR. [The brothers sit, digesting this. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Daphne is on the couch, thumbing through TV Guide. Martin is in his chair.] Daphne: Rockford's on. Martin: Not interested. Daphne: Oh, come on, it looks like a good one. Tom Seleck's in it. Martin: Oh, those are good. Not that I care. Daphne: You know, I caught a few episodes at home, and I see the resemblance between you and a young Jim Rockford. Martin: No you don't. Daphne: Yes I do. No one gives him credit when he has a good idea. He likes to drive a little too fast... Martin: He has my chin! He knows how to work the system and the babes love him. Daphne: Yes they do. So what do you say? Martin: Oh, okay, why not? [He turns on the TV.] Martin: Ah, this is good. Sorry I got so worked up. Daphne: Oh, you can't help it. You've got principles, like Rockford. Martin: Okay, let's not lay it on too thick. Oh, and look at that. Malibu, California. FYI, those mountains you see in the background are the same ones you see at the beginning of MASH. Daphne: Oh, I love MASH. Whenever I watch it, I think of you. Serving in Korea all those years ago, just like Colonel Potter. [Martin lets this sink in, then grabs the remote and shuts off the TV.] Martin: That's it, go home. Daphne: Why? Martin: Colonel Potter was old when he did Dragnet! Daphne: Colonel Potter, that funny young doctor that used to mix martinis in his tent? Martin: Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye. Daphne: Yes, that's who I meant. [Martin gives her a calculating look, while she looks back innocently. He reaches for the remote again.] Martin: Okay. [He turns the TV back on and settles down happily. Daphne sits back with a wide-eyed, sarcastic look at his willingness to go along.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - La Porte D'Argent [Fade in. It is a plant-filled room with the sounds of running water and birds. A woman wheels Niles in on a gurney. He is wrapped up like a mummy and has a facial and cucumber slices on his eyes.] Attendant: I've taken you to the relaxation grotto. We'll just let the wrap and your orange honey-butter mask soothe you while you listen to the healing sounds of the Javanese rain forest, okay? Niles: [murmuring sleepily] Okay. [She leaves him and passes Frasier as he comes in. Blinking and shuffling in his robe, he runs into a potted tree.] Frasier: Oh, excuse me. Niles: Frasier? Frasier, is that you? Frasier: Niles. Niles: What? Frasier: I just had a, a color therapy treatment, my eyes haven't readjusted yet. They sent me in here to relax. Niles: I'm letting my orange honey-butter mask set. [They both sigh contentedly. Frasier sits down.] Frasier: Roz was so wrong. Completely wrong. Oh, there. My eyes are better. Oh, Niles, you should see this place. Niles: Be my eyes, Frasier. Frasier: [rising] Well, it's just paradise. From the rare exotic orchids, to the trompe l'oeil sky, to the perfectly bubbled stream, to the... [He stands there, stunned at what he sees.] Niles: To the what? Frasier: There's a platinum door. Niles: Platinum? Are you sure? Frasier: Yes! Niles: Is it guarded? Frasier: No! It's just brazenly standing there! Niles: Then rip the cucumbers from my eyes and let's go! Frasier: Right! [He takes the slices off Niles' eyes and helps him sit up.] Frasier: Niles! What are we doing? [He lets Niles fall back onto the gurney.] Niles: Oh. Frasier: This is exactly what Roz said! Niles: No! Roz said, "diamond door"! [He throws his legs over the side and manages to sit up, only to fall down the other way.] [N.B. During the filming of this scene, David Hyde Pierce fell off the gurney and hit his head on the floor. He had to be rushed to the hospital, but no major injuries were reported.] Frasier: Niles, this is heaven, right here and now! Why do we have think about someplace else? Niles: This is only heaven to the people that can't get into the real heaven. The platinum heaven. Frasier: Niles, why can't we be happy? Why must we allow the thought of something that at this point can only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now? Niles: I don't know. Let's figure it out on the other side! [He heaves himself upright again, only to fall to the other side once more.] Frasier: No! I am through chasing the eternal carrot. Whatever is behind that door shall remain behind that door, unseen! [Niles thrashes again, finally managing to get up off the gurney.] Niles: Stay if you want, I have to know! [He starts towards the door, but since he is wrapped down to the ankles, he can only take four inch steps. Nonetheless, he shuffles rapidly and heads for the door.] Frasier: Oh for God's sake, you can't even walk, you ninny! All right, all right, I will go, just to take a peek. [He heads for the door as an attendant comes into the grotto behind them to change the water pitcher.] Attendant: I'm sorry. Sir? You're not allowed through there. Please remain in the relaxation grotto. [He heads out. Frasier stands there, outraged.] Frasier: "Please remain... in the relaxation grotto"? [Niles is heartbroken and almost sobbing.] Frasier: Have crueler words ever been spoken? Well, that's it. I am determined to see where they think I don't belong! Niles: Take me with you! [Frasier strides over, wraps his arms around Niles, lifts him up and carries him to the door. He then kicks it open with his foot and sunlight streams into the room. They gasp in delight.] Frasier: Niles! Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium! Niles: Goodbye sweet and edible facials, hello radiant life-giving sun! [Frasier carries him through the door. Cut to - the other side of the door as the come through it, blinking in the light, letting the door close behind them.] Niles: It's beautiful, it's beautiful! Frasier: Yes! This is where we belong. [The shot pulls back to show that, rather than a solarium, they are in an alley behind the building, next to a trash dumpster.] Niles: Do you smell garbage? Frasier: Oh dear, Niles. I don't think this is part of the spa! [Leaving Niles propped against the dumpster he pounds on the door.] Frasier: Hello! Hello! Anyone in the relaxation grotto! Niles: Frasier, look at all those bees. Frasier: Bees?! Niles! Our sweet and edible facials! Run! [He takes off down the alley. Niles, still wrapped can only desperately shuffle after him. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Roz is at Cafe Nervosa with Senator Ogden. She shows him the flip book of photos with Frasier's receding hair line. They both laugh. After a moment, though, the senator clutches his chest and falls to the floor. Everyone rushes over while Roz, a frustrated look on her face, gets down to give him CPR again.
Plan: A: misdirected mail; Q: What is the reason Frasier learns about La Porte d'Argent? A: a very exclusive new spa; Q: What does Frasier learn about in Seattle? A: membership; Q: What is strictly by invitation only? A: Cam Winston; Q: Who is on the list of people who can get into La Porte d'Argent? A: the receptionist; Q: Who does Frasier and Niles have to get past to get into La Porte d'Argent? A: the service; Q: What do the Frasier brothers find expensive but excellent about La Porte d'Argent? A: an even more exclusive gold membership; Q: What do the Frasier brothers discover at La Porte d'Argent? A: Roz; Q: Who calls in a favor to get the brothers admitted? A: the luxurious pampering; Q: What do the Frasier brothers enjoy about the spa? A: its garbage-strewn back alley; Q: Where do the Frasier brothers find themselves after being locked out of the spa? A: Martin; Q: Who struggles to bond with Daphne after she became his daughter-in-law? A: bond; Q: What are Martin and Daphne struggling to do? A: old television shows; Q: What do Martin and Daphne share a common interest in? A: M*A*S*H; Q: What show do Martin and Daphne enjoy watching together? Summary: Owing to an item of misdirected mail, Frasier learns of a very exclusive new spa in Seattle called La Porte d'Argent . When he discovers that membership is strictly by invitation only, he persuades Niles to masquerade as Cam Winston (whose name is on the list) so they can get past the receptionist. Once inside, they find the service expensive but excellent, and are quite contented until they discover that there is an even more exclusive gold membership. Roz calls in a favor to get the brothers admitted, and they enjoy the luxurious pampering - until they notice yet another door, this one completely unguarded. Believing it to be the entrance to an even higher level of membership, they sneak through only to find themselves locked out of the spa in its garbage-strewn back alley. At the same time, Martin and Daphne are struggling to bond after she became his daughter-in-law, finding a common fondness of old television shows like M*A*S*H .
[We're beginning with the favourite sport of Justin and Brian - but they're not alone. They have another couple in their bed. Justin get's f*cked by the other man and Brian f*cks the 4th man.] Music: # Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson [After the s*x the other couple lies arm in arm while Justin take pot from Brian.] Man: How much time you're together? Brian and Justin: 4 years. Man#1: You get straight. Justin: It's complicated. Man#1: Obviously. Justin: What about you? Man#2: Goin on 10 years. Justin: sh1t! It's amazing. How do you do that? Brian: I'm not sure if I'm gonna do hear this. Man#1: Communication... Man#2: Honesty... Man#1: Respect... Man#2: And a lot f*cking around. Man#1: A couple of place together, a couple stays together. Brian: That's what I'm always said - nothing kill marriage faster than monogomy. Man#1: Yeah, try that for 6 months. He stop lying, sneaking around. Man#2: Yeah, he call me a f*cking neighbour. I thoughed those guys are hot, so I'm join them. Man#1: It solved all our problems. Man#2: So how you got hook up again? Brian: Oh, we have a strict rule - not to see anyone twice. But since you two of you... [Melanie gets the mail. She opens a mail and say nothing. Cut to Lindsay. She also open a envelope and, the 3rd member of the party Michael gets the mail.] Ben: OK, I'm a lonely writing professor, for christ sakes. But I'm not gonna take that crip together. Michael: You must finish onced JR arrives. It's official. I have 1/4 of my daughter. [Ben umbrace him.] Ben: Oh, congratulations! Michael: Could have more - but Brian stucks his nose in. Ben: Hey, hey, it's not his fault. Michael: He's the one who conviced Lindsay to fight for custody. He paid for a goddamn lawyer. Ben: But she's a mother too. It's much as fair. Michael: Now we must plit out baby in three ways. Ben: You know, as long as she's love and care for I'm sure we all have got. Would you help me put this thing together, before I loose my f*cking... [Michael looks straight in his eyes.] Ben: Yeah, before I loose my mind. [We're at the diner... no, wait. It's Debbies house, but she still waitressing for Carl.] Debbie: You're eggs are up. Meat or dry? Carl: Uh, right dry. Sweetheart? Debbie: Ya, hon? Carl: Would you sit down, please? Stop waitring on me, like I was in the diner. Debbie: Guess that's why called dry hard. You wanted a beacon extra cruspy. [Carl gets her.] Carl: If you won't stop... How about the tip? Debbie: Oh, I was counting on a big one tonight. Carl: Honey, you just get more than a tip. [Debbie laughs and they kiss each other.] Carl: More I hold you, more I can't keep my hands of ya. You're not bored, are you? Debbie: f*cking my brains out? Carl: No, not working. Debbie: Are you kidding? I don't know why I waited so long. I finally had my live for myself. Carl: So, what's our ladies up for today? Debbie: Oh, piece of maler... Carl: Piece of what? Debbie: I want to buy some pyjamas. All of my seems to disappearing. Carl: Because I took them. Debbie: I should have known! It was too good to be true! Carl: You're sexy without them. Debbie: You know what this is, don't you? It's grand thieft pyjama's. I could have you arrested but not befor we work it off. [At Kinnetic.] Ted: Morning Bri', got those files we're talk about it. Greenwall's Account... [While he's talking more to himself Brian put some posters with hunky young man at his sofa.] Ted: It was until 1 in the morning but we have all sign sealed. There is nothing to do for the next few days, I'm kinda free as a bird. Listen, I need some little time off. Brian: A vacation? Drug bench? Ted: A small medical procedure. Brian: Finally get the pen1s enlargement? When are you leaving? Ted: Tomorrow. I know it's shorten but they had a cancelation, so they fit me in. I'll be back in a week, 10 days tops. Brian: So what are you having done? Ted: What makes you think I had anything done? Brian: Well, the endless hours you spend pulling your face back? Smoothing your stomach? Spill! Ted: You know, nothing major - brow lift, ... Brian: What price beauty. Ted: They aren't cheap. However they're sucking off my chin for free. Brian: Oh! "Gay man are obsessed by young and beauty. And an entire subcultur convinced that meaning of happyness and love handles." How pathatic. How tragic. How profitable. Ted: Yeah, but not all is lucky as you. We all can't be Brian Kinney. We have to work twice as hard for half as good. Brian: I'm sorry Theodore, I don't mean to emperior your noble affords. I thinking you make a big mistake. Not until you get a pen1s enlargement. [Justin visiting Melanie and playing with the baby.] Justin: Oh, she's so adorable! Can I take her home? Mel: Sure since everyone else is,. [Lindsay walks in then.] Lindsay: I didn't know we had a guest. Mel: Justin's not a guest. Didn't we agree that you ring the bell, not just pop in? Justin: Hey Lindsay: [Justin carries J.R. over to Lindsay where he kisses her.] Lindsay: Hello Justin. I haven't seen you since you're back from L.A. Justin: I know, I was planing on calling, but I don't have your new number. Lindsay: I'm sure Brian could get that too. Justin: So, how's Gus? Lindsay: Gus is doing great, he's growing as we speak. He's even started to read. Justin: Oh, I go away a few months and everything changed. Mel: No sh1t. Justin: I fall hopelessly in love with your daughter. Lindsay: Yeah she's pretty irresistable. I found this fleece sleeper. I got three of them. One for me, one for you and one when she's with Michael. Mel: Not to remind me. Lindsay: We're make sure that she's taking care of. Mel: Oh, you've seen that! Thanks to you my daughter is now to a stranger. Lindsay: Michael is hardly a stranger. Mel: Well, he might as well be. What does he know about raising an infant? She should be with me, instead tossed around like a f*cking football! Justin: Maybe I gotta go. Mel: No! We got a tea, goddamn! Lindsay: I'll get it. Mel: You don't live here anymore, remember? Lindsay: Of course, how can I forget? Mel: You better listen to me instead we have to play a game of "Baby, Baby, Who's Got The Baby". Lindsay: That's what killin' you, isn't? It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody arrangement. It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus not getting her way nor can completely controll over everything. Well tough sh1t, you don't. So get used to it. [The tea kettle whistles from the kitchen and Justin puts down the baby.] Justin: I'll get the tea. [Swim hall. Hunter's on the swim team and practice. Ben is there and timing him.] Hunter: How I did? Ben: 24 under your best. Hunter: f*ckin' A! It's because I got those shorts. Ben: It's time for a start. Hunter: Think so? Ben: No, I'm sure. Coach: OK everybody, let's get rub! Let's go! Good practice. You swim those head two hard days and now go to sleep and don't strain on anyone. Are you winners? Boys: [all] Yeah! Coach: I ask you, are you winners? Boys: [yells] YEAH! Coach: That's more I like it. [to Ben] Hunter's doin' well. Ben: Well he fits in and made some good friends. Coach: And having parents to have time to work with him. Ben: Thanks, I appreciate it, Coach. [Callie is on the girl's team. She and Hunter speak to each other.] Callie: Hey, how's swim? Hunter: Great, you too? Boy: Hey, you comin'? Hunter: Yeah. [He stands before her.] Boys: Hey Hunter, we're goin'! Hunter: Wait up. [He finally goes away.] [At the diner. Ted and Emmett talkin' about the surgery.] Ted: Look, I know you say it's fricking expensive. However, I just... Emmett: ...had the most fabulous idea for my next segment. The Queer Guy follows you to your entire surgery. Every little snipping clip. THEN I bring you on my show for the big reveal. [Ted starres at Em] Or I get with my avocardo mask on air as planned. Ted: Stick with the last though. Promised me, however I come out, you still love me? Emmett: Honey, I never loved you for the look at the begin with. Not that there is a damn thing wrong with it. When it's that what you gonna do then I'm behind you. [Debbie appears with the shopping bags.] Debbie: Get room boys! Emmett: Hey Debbie, welcome home. Debbie: Yeah, just like a boomarang at least. Ted: It's just your comeback. Emmett: I prefer to returned. Debbie: Oh, I just passin' by, so I popp my head in and see how's goin'. Ted: Oh things are doin' great! Debbie: Yeah? Ted: I mean it's not the same without you. And are you? Debbie: Well, since I stop working, Carl and I get plenty exercise, if you get my drift. Emmett: Yeah, it driftes all the way to my room. Debbie: So I brough myself a new warm-up too. [She shows them the sexy red teddy.] Emmett: Dear god! It's like a glory hole for straights! [Loretta brings over their food and she has completely "stolen" Debbie's act.] Loretta: Here you go boys. Hey Deb, when you get here? Debbie: A couple minutes ago. I stop by to see. [A shocked Debbie see the same vest covered in buttons, slogan T-shirts, same wisecracks. It's like Debbie has never left. Deb's not happy with that.] Emmett: [to Ted] Are you sure you all eat that? Ted: Well tomorrow it's all sucked up. Loretta: I'm sorry Debbie, what are you tellin'? Debbie: I just asking how's things are goin'? Guy#1: Hey Loretta, can I get order? Loretta: Yeah wonderwoman! I'm doin' f*cking great. Emmett: She's doin' f*cking great. Loretta: So, what can I get you? Pink plates special? Today's Carl's fish special. What he do with the rest of the fish. Debbie: I have a bowl of peace soup. Guy#2: Hey, L'roe, where is my tuna rap? Loretta: It's there in a minute. Ted: [laughs] She's a whoot, isn't she? Debbie: Yeah(!) [At the comic book store.] Michael: So, how was rehersal? Ben: Oh, it's called practice. Michael: Right. Hunter: I got my kicked down my cap. Ben: And his head up... Hunter: And it's my best time since two tense 2nd. Michael: That's awesome, dude, right on! I'll can't wait until the performance. I'll be in the first row. Hunter: It's called a meet. Michael: Hey, all I know about swimming is from movies with my mom. [Brian enters the store.] Brian: Hey boys. Ben: Hey Brian. [to Hunter] C'mon pal, we're caught up. [Ben kisses Michael and leaves him alone with Brian.] Brian: You mind if I'm put this up? [He hold a poster for Hard Heroes night at Babylon.] Michael: Hard Heroes Night? Brian: Every superhero fantasy you've ever had come true. Michael: I'm not sure if it's appropriate for my younger clientel. Brian: I'm sure your younger clientel are lusting over those bulging biceps they way you did. They're grew up to fags anyway, so what's the difference? Michael: Yeah, ok. Brian: I expect you be there. Michael: I don't think so. I've got work, fixing a house and we got to bed pretty early. Brian: Superheros Mikey - superman on superman. Michael: We can make a deal -- I'll check on your new place when you check out ours. Brian: OK, deal. Michael: Ben and I had a new neighnors for dinner tomorrow. Why you and Justin join us? Brian: Fabulous. I'll bring a bottle. Michael: Red would be nice. Brian: I meant poppers. [He kisses Mikey, and leaves the store.] [Justin visiting Lindsay at the gallery were she works. She is looking at some of his art.] Lindsay: Interesting, not bad. Justin: Is that a compliment or you just letting me down easy? Lindsay: Would I ask you to be considered for the emerging artists show? Justin: Thanks, Linds. But I don't want advantage of our friendship. Lindsay: What has this to do with advantage when you're work is good? And we're still friends. Justin: Why wouldn't not be? Lindsay: Well time changes when couples break up. Friends gravity to one person than the other. So I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if you decided to gravitate to Mel. Well, I think I would. Justin: That never will happen. You have always be, Mel and Linds. At the very beginning when I first meet Brian you two were there for me. A shoulder to cry on, a couch to sleep on. I can't never take sides. I love you both. Lindsay: Well, there is one thing Mel and me still agree on - we feel the same way for you. I'm sorry your a witness of our performance. Justin: Oh please, Brian and I had a couple Acedemy Award Fights ourselves. So is there are any chance for you and Mel... Lindsay: Got back together? I was hoping at first we could. That we make up and be forgiven. But now... I'll guess you call that "magicial thinking". Justin: Yeah, but you never know. Lindsay: Well, I think we should definately considered this one. [she speaks to the picture of Justin] [A depressed Debbie is sitting on the couch, eating whipped cream and ice cream and ordering stuff from QVC.] Emmett: I'm off for a party at the "Queer Guy Team". Don't forget to watch. Debbie: I'm warm up the seat. Emmett: Look at you - you in the caftan in the afternoon, instead sweating in the diner. Debbie: Surprime of the lifetime! [to the phone] Yeah, I'm here. I want the griddle, and the last item too. Emmett: Wow, that make 2 items in the last 15 seconds. Must be a new record. So, what's wrong? Debbie: What should be wrong? Like you said, look at me - I'm the happiest women in the world. I got endless hours for my supose. I can eat all the f*cking icecream that I want. I can order at me favourite station at QVC. I'll almost ordered a lama. So, what should any be wrong?! Except that bitch stole my act! Emmett: Which bitch? Debbie: What bitch do you think? That pie-person! She was so innocent at first. "I don't know how do anything. I don't have any experience." Man, she hustled me. She hustled be good. And I fell for it! Now she's wearing my t-shirts and my buttons! She should be arrested for idenity theft. Emmett: You know, I think you set the legacy. Remember, you wanted to leave. It was your decision. And she's just carrying on the legacy, keeping on tradition. For me it's the highest form of flattery. Debbie: Or the lowest form of imitation! Emmett: Don't be angry. Be proud. Pass on the mantle with dignity. Always dignity. And don't order a lama, order a virgin. [He kisses her at her forehead and leaves.] Debbie: Dignity... always dignity. [She's taking the ice cream bottle in her mouth and eat it.] [Brian and Justin in the shower.] Justin: It's amazing. Brian: That I can crag your back for the last 10 minutes and haven't been f*ck ya? Justin: That you and I be together and Melanie and Lindsay are being apart. Brian: Well, who knows what wonders the fate have in store. [They get out of the shower and start drying off.] Justin: I mean if they can't make it, who can? Brian: Ding-ding-ding. The correct answer is, no-one. Justin: Stop being so cynical. Brian: I'm not being cynical, I'm being... Justin: Realistic. Brian: Do you mind if I finish my own sentences? I despise it when couples do that. Justin: Hah. Did you hear that, Rubbery Ducky? He said 'couples'. [Dark look from Brian] I guess I better quit while I'm ahead. Brian: [Pulling Justin to him] Not before you give me some, Mon Amour. Justin: 'Mon Amour'? I love how other people's tragic marital plights make you romantic. Brian: Hard. Justin: Christ, what a big boner. Brian: All the better to... Justin: f*ck me with? Brian: Didn't I just warn ... Justin: ...about finishing your sentences? Brian: Marriage is a doomsday machine destined to self-destruct. Fortunately for you and I we spare such dismal Fate. [They kiss each other.] [Debbie giving her old T-shirts to Loretta.] Loretta: "Life is just a bowl of fairys?" Debbie: It's one of my favourites. I want you to have it. Loretta: Well thanks. I think you might be a little pissed about my new look. Debbie: I love your new look. I loved it on me. And I'm proud of you. You're doin' a great job in the diner. Loretta: Well it's easy when you have such a good teacher. Debbie: You're goin' somewhere? Loretta: Uh, you might say that. I'm leaving. Debbie: Oh, for the weekend? Loretta: No, for good. My goddamn sister told my goddamn husband were I am. Now he's coming to get me. Debbie: So where you're goin'? Loretta: I haven't that time to figure it out yet. But I know I can't be here when he shows up. Debbie: Just hold on. You also can't run away. Loretta: I can and I am. Debbie: When the asshole shows up just tell him to f*ck off! Loretta: You do not can tell him to f*ck off. No sir, no way! And that's a fact. Debbie: Well, here's another one. Wherever you go he find you too. Loretta: So, what do I do? Debbie: I'll give you another t-shirt. You can wear when he arrives. Loretta: What is that said? Debbie: It doesn't say anything - it does look that way. [see the picture at the left.] Debbie: There will get the message. [SCENE_BREAK] [Brian and Justin at Michael and Ben's dinner together with Eli and Monty.] Eli: If you want fruits you have to plants now. Monty: Eli is the gardner in the family. I'm the chef. Eli: And the rose bushes needs a front cut and they look fabulous. [Michael goes around them and pours some red whine] Michael: I remember when I was a kid planting pean in the front yard... Brian: And look what looms. Eli: Which one of you is the gardner and which one is the chef? Justin: I really like cooking. Brian: And I love planting my seeds in some hole... [Eli looks confused] in the ground. Monty: By the way I brought a petition. Ben: Oh, great. We'll be happy to sign. Eli: We're trying to get the city to installed bumps in the streets. Ben: I doubt Brian is interested in street bumps. Brian: On the contrary street bumps are extremely important. Especially when you go out dancing. Eli: What exactly do you do, Brian? Justin: He's the president of C.E.O. Kinnetic - the top advertising agency in Pittsburgh. Brian: I'm also C.E.O. president of Babylon - the top gay dance club in Pittsburgh. Eli: Babylon? We're haven't there been years. Brian: Oh, you two should come by as my personal guest. Monty: I didn't think Babylon no longer suits our lifestyle. Michael: Can I get anybody anything? Brian: Which lifestyle is that, Monty? Monty: I'm Monty. Brian: Which lifestyle is that, Monty? Monty: These days we prefered to spend quiet time at home with our kids. Eli: Rather than in a room surrounded by drugged up Peter Pans. Brian: You know, so many couples I've spook these days are feel that way. That's why I'm started a Monogamous Monday. Ben: Brian is a real kidder. Eli: I hardly think it's kind of the promiscuous behavior that Babylon promotes is a laughing matter. Brian: Oh c'mon, fellas. Don't tell me that after ... how many you've said? ... 10 years together you haven't had a little extra marital ass... Justin: Brian! Eli: Actually, we've never have. It's called being in a mature, loving relationship. Brian: That's called being dead. Michael: Brian, can you help me with desert? Brian: First, the present. I hope you're boys doesn't have one. [Brian sitting a wrapped box on the table. He pulls a sling out of it.] Ben: You bought us a sling? Brian: You told me you're renoving your playroom. Michael: Not that kind of playroom. Brian: Oh, I still get sure you got hours of enjoyment from it. So, what's for desert? [At Hunter's swim meet.] Michael: In our home! In front of our friends! Ben: You got to let you go, Michael. Michael: I know, it wasn't about an hour ago. Ben: [shouts] There you go, Callie! Michael: Callie's parents make a fool of themselve. Ben: Just ignore them. We're here for Hunter. Speaker: "Next up, 50m boys free style." Michael: Oh my god, that's us. Speaker: "Swimmers, on your marks." [The boys swims, Ben and Michael cheers Hunter on. He wins his race but he bumps his head.] Callie: Hunter, are you okay? Michael: He hurts himself. Ben: sh1t. [They running down. Hunter starts to bleed, blood and getting into the pool. Callie jumps in the water to help him and her parents stand up in the bleachers.] Callie's father: Don't touch him! Callie's mother: Get out of the pool, honey! Callie's father: [screams] He has AIDS! [Silence falls over the crowd.] Couch: Everybody out! Get out! Ben: C'mon pal, let's look at you. [Emmett is at the doctor's office with Ted. He's going to the journal of beauty faces.] Emmett: Now THAT's what I called a chin! Oh Teddy, if you get this cheeks, I would. What do you think? Ted: [looks at the mirror] I think I gonna puke. Emmett: I warned you, didn't I? I warn you to tortured yourself. Ted: It's not that. Look at me! I look like a couch in the pusher shop! Emmett: It's just a sign to reveal your new... look. Ted: I didn't have any surgery before. Everything is intact. My pendex, my tonsil. Emmett: Foreskin. Ted: My teeth. It's my first time under the knief. Emmett: Oh, it's nothing. Ted: You just sit and say what you want. I'm the one who suffers the real pain for the sake of a new me. If I didn't like the new me? Emmett: What's not to like? Ted: Maybe Brian's right. Maybe it's the obsession of youth and beauty is shallow narcistic... Emmett: We're fags, for Christ sakes! Being obsessed about beauty is our god given right! Ted: Should I pull out? Emmett: You seriously asking me this question? Teddy, for as long as I know you you have never felt good, really good about yourself. So, for few decisions for you finally find the courage to look in the mirror and smile, then I say it's not superficially - it's blessing. Ted: Thank you. Doc: Mr.Schmidt? Emmett: Go on! [Mel and Lindz in their house.] Mel: Diapers, bear. Lotion, where is the lotion? Lindsay: That's not for a beauty contest. Mel: For a baby you must b prepared. Lindsay: Spoken like a true scout. This was a joke. Mel: All they must do is cook the milk. Lindsay: When's Michael picking her up? Mel: About an hour. Lindsay: Mel... Mel: I didn't know what he's f*cking doin'! Lindsay: We're find out. You know, I was thinking. Why does Gus spend with you tomorrow night? Mel: Have a date? Lindsay: No, I just though it would be nice for you to have some company. Mel: So, I don't be lonely. Thanks, but as much I would love to have him here, I don't need your pitty. Lindsay: It's not pitty... Mel: No, it's you being greatness... Lindsay: I only trying to think of you. Mel: Maybe you should done this at the first place. Lindsay: Gus, honey, it's time to leave. I hope you goes well tomorrow. Despite what you've think. [Hunter, Ben and Michael coming home from the E.R.] Hunter: Two hours for a f*cking headache. Ben: We're home now. Michael: Come down and relax. Hunter: Relax!? Michael: You have a concussion. The doctor told me... Hunter: I'm fine! There is nothing wrong with me. Except the face of Callies asshole father and the kind mother! Michael: Hey! Hunter: Well, she is! Now the whole school knows I have AIDS. Ben: You don't have AIDS, you have HIV. Hunter: Don't tell me, tell them. Except you don't have to. Cause I'm never goin' back. Ben: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hunter: Yeah, right(!) Ben: The coach says he gonna talk to everyone and explain that they can't infected from a few drops in a chlorinated pool. Michael: If you wanna take a day off tomorrow, that's fine by us, but sooner or later you gonna have to go back. Ben: Yeah, when you do, you can tell them, you the 50m free style Champion. [Hunter sighs dejectly.] [Brian and Justin watching the dancers rehearse.] Brian: Superheros supposed to look like they're flying like superheroes, not falling like two crash test dummies. Try it again! Justin: It looks pretty good. Brian: Really good it's not good enough. When Mchael see it he looses his mind, and his breath and his control. Justin: Then what? Come running back to Babylon where he belongs? This ain't gonna happen. He's happy with what he is. Brian: Gay man can't live on gardening and speed bums alone. Sooner or later he pays restless in his age, hooling at the moon and he break free from suburbia and returns to the jungle where he belongs. OK, let's give it another try. [Liberty Diner. Loretta's waitress.] Loretta: Honey, the chicken and the meat loaf. Darell: Excuse me, Ma'am. Can you please take my order? [Loretta's in shock.] Boy: Hey, I didn't order this! Loretta: Try, you like it. Darell: Honey, before you say anything, I just wanna say I'm truly, deeply sorry am I for all the spank. How's your job? Loretta: I can efford my expenses, so I guess it's okay. Darell: Look, I know I lost my temperament. I promise I won't do that again. Loretta: That's what you've always say. Darell: C'mon, it's time for you to come home. Loretta: Darell, I... Darell: You don't have to apologize... I forgive you. Loretta: You forgive me? Darell: Yeah, forget what all happen. Loretta: I don't wanna forget it. I'm not going back home. I'm staying here. Darell: In some fag diner!? Is anybody take care of yourself? To be independed. That's will be funny, if it's were so pittyful. Loretta: I'm not pityful. Darell: What do you think you proving here? That you can live without a man? That you're a lessy? Loretta: I am, Darell. I am a lesbian and I'm not ashamed. Darell: You want me. Your problem is you have to get me. Loretta: Now, you're wrong. Darell: What you say to me!? Loretta: I told you. Darell: And I'm telling you, I park this car outside, now let's go! [He tries to drag her out of the diner but Debbie is there with a baseball bat.] Debbie: She said you to f*ck off! Don't YOU understand? Darell: Who the hell are you? Debbie: I'm the one with the baseball hat. Darell: It's between me and my wife. Debbie: And she's trying to tell you something and you're not getting it in your head, so maybe my friend here can help ya. Darell: Let's go. Loretta: No! I've said no! You are not a nice person, Darell. You don't threat me with the respect I've deserved. And I don't love you anymore. Debbie: I hope you've heard it this time. You better leave, before me and my fag friends beat the sh1t out of you. [He leaves without a word.] [Hunter walking down the halls of the school. He's now the outcast, everyone looking at him, talking about him, moving to avoid him when he walks past. He goes to his locker and Callie approaches him.] Callie: How's your head? Hunter: I'll live. Callie: Look, I'm sorry for what happened. Hunter: What are you sorry for? I don't stupid enough for blame you that you found out. Boy: Hey Callie, what do you wasting your time for him? He's a fag. Boy#2: I've heard you got AIDS from an old geyser f*cked him up the ass. For cash. Hunter: You've told. Callie: No! I swear, I didn't. Boy#2: Hey faggot, 5 bucks. What didn't you suck my cock? Hunter: I've charges more than from assholes like you. [The guy starts to hit him.] Callie: Stop it! Hunter: Why you stop? C'mon hit me, get my blood all over you. [The bell rings.] Callie: You ok? [Hunter runs away in pain.] [Ted having a dream. In Brian's agency. At the wall are pictures of Ted with a hot body.] Brian: I'm sorry but I can promise you Schmidt. He is the hottest guy in town. Even I wanna f*ck him. Ted: I'm sorry Brian. You can't have me. [Cut to the reality. Instead Brian Emmett calling his name after the surgery.] Emmett: Teddy? Ted? It's me, Em. Ted: Oh, I'm only dreaming. Emmett: You say, how do you feel? Ted: I feel like I hit a bus and I were death and step over an elephant. How do I look? Emmett: Well Ted, puffy. But the doctor said give it a few days and you'r be gorgeous. Ted: Thank you for be with me. Emmett: Please, when I'm do this you'll be right there with me. Now you may lay there and rest. And remember, no peeking! [Emmett leaves and of course Ted has to go to the mirror and look at himself. He screams in horror.] [Loretta and Debbie getting drunk at Woodys.] Loretta: You just see his face? Debbie: Pissed as hell. Both: Another shooter! Debbie: I'm so proud of you. Say that former asshole say to f*ck off. Loretta: I'll never could that done without you and your big hat. Debbie: Bigger than his. Loretta: You better believe it. Debbie: You don't have to afraid from anybody. Loretta: I don't now how I can ever repay you this. First you give me a new life. And then you save it. Debbie: Honey, you don't owe me a damn thing. There is something you believe yourself. Happyness. Even through a lot of sh1t. Then you deserve it. Loretta: To someone to share of it? Debbie: Someone to threat you right. [They drink to that.] Debbie: I think I better go home before the sun go up. Loretta: Me to, I have the early shift in the diner. Debbie: Well, when you open up the place, I lay in my bed. [Debbe umbrace her to goodbye. Loretta kisses her on the lips.] Loretta: I love you. Debbie: You to. Bye. Loretta: Bye. [Michael and Ben picking up J.R. and Mel giving them last minute instructions.] Mel: There is breat milks, diapers, bottom warmer, her blanket. Michael: We have blanket. Mel: She sleept with this one every night since she was born. It's an antike. And here the feeding instruction. It's practically every three hours or when she's hungry. She'll let you know. And make sure the milks warm but not too hot. [Mel give J.R. relucted in Michael's arms.] Mel: When anything happens or any questions... Michael: Yeah, we'll call. [The party is going full swing at Babylon, the superheroes dancing for the crowd. Brian is standing on the baloney looking towards the door for Michael. who isn't coming. Brian walks off.] [Cut to Mel who is sitting alone in her now empty house.] [Dancers partying at Babylon.] [Then a shot of J.R. in her crib at Michael and Ben's place. They are standing over her, smiling down at her.] [Back at Babylon, Brian and Justin are drinking at the bar.] Justin: He might still come. Brian: f*ck him. More caped crusaders for us. [He puts his hands on Justin's shoulders and they walk off into the crowd together.] Music: The Joint is Jumping - D1 Music featuring Lisa Hunt
Plan: A: marriage; Q: What does Brian believe is the death of a relationship? A: leisure; Q: Debbie has a difficult time accepting her role as a lady of what? A: her act; Q: What does Debbie discover Loretta has stolen? A: Ted; Q: Who decides to undergo an extreme makeover? Summary: Brian remains steadfast in his belief that marriage is the death of a relationship. Debbie has a difficult time accepting her role as a lady of leisure-especially when she discovers that Loretta has stolen her act including the button-clad vest right down to the wisecracks. Ted decides to undergo an extreme makeover.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] BLUR TO: [EXT. AIRPLANE (MOVING) - SUNSET] (Through various cuts and dissolve shots, the camera follows the aircraft in flight as we overhear the conversation between the PILOT and the TOWER.) Pilot: (V.O.) McCarren approach Las Vegas nine-zero-nine, thirty-thousand. Request emergency personnel. Over. Tower: (V.O.) Las vegas nine-zero-nine, McCarren tower. Specify request. Over. Pilot: (V.O.) Negative, McCarren. Advise on runway. Tower: (V.O.) Las Vegas nine-zero-nine cleared for V-O-R runway one-five approach. Over Pilot: (V.O.) V-O-R runway one-five approach. Roger. Request Las Vegas police. (The camera moves in through the clouds and pushes up close to the aircraft window. From the outside, we see darkened figures inside and a lot of movement. We hear thumping. We see the shadows of a commotion happening on the plane.) Tower: (V.O.) Understand "police." Roger. Emily Berhle: (V.O.) Mommy! (Inside the moving aircraft, through the darkened window, we hear a little girl's screams. Something is happening inside that plane.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT] (The plane sits on the runway surrounded by police cars and emergency personnel.) (BRASS instructs his officers on what to do at the scene.) Brass: The luggage stays in the plane. We're going to treat this like a crime scene until we're told otherwise. Tim, Sam, talk to the coach passengers. See what you can't learn. (GRISSOM walks up to BRASS.) Brass: All right, look, I'm going to talk to the first class passengers -- they're in the lounge. Let's meet back there in a half an hour, all right? Officer Tim: All right. (The officers leave. GRISSOM and BRASS walk up the stairs to check out the inside of the plane.) Grissom: So ... dead guy in first class? Brass: Las Vegas Air. (beat) Always heard it was a good time. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (BRASS and GRISSOM walk onto the plane. BRASS clears his throat. In the aisle, is the body.) Grissom: Coroner pronounce? Brass: About thirty minutes ago. Grissom: Eyewitnesses? Brass: Everyone in first class -- nine passengers, one flight attendant. Grissom: Where are they now? Brass: Sequestered in the lounge. According to the Flight crew, the deceased had some sort of panic attack and died before they landed. (GRISSOM kneels down to look at the mess in the aisle above the dead body. He looks at the dead body.) (Cut to: GRISSOM takes the camera and looks around the plane.) Grissom: Point of disturbance: Cockpit door. Bloody handprint. (He snaps a picture, then kneels down.) Looks like foot impression. Ballpark shoe size ... ten to eleven maybe. (He snaps another picture.) (He and BRASS turn around back to the body.) Brass: Deceased found lying between rows one and two. (GRISSOM snaps several photos. He reaches out and picks up a disk on the floor and looks at it.) Brass: What is that? Blood? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS and GRISSOM exit the plane and make their way down the stairs.) Grissom: I want this whole plane taped off ... nose to tail and wing to wing. Brass: Oh, it's going to take a lot of tape. Grissom: I've got a dead body, a crime scene with wings. Something very wrong happened in this plane. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks along the tarmac, his hands in his pocket. A car pulls up behind him, flashes on its siren to get GRISSOM'S attention and stops in front of him. GRISSOM turns around. The Sheriff, Brian Mobley, gets out of the car.) Grissom: Sheriff? Sheriff Brian Mobley: We've got a whale of an opportunity here, Gil. Dead body on an airplane -- FAA has jurisdiction. But the Feds won't be here till sunrise. That gives us about twelve hours to be heroes. Grissom: I don't follow you. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, we either hand over the guy who did it when the Feds get here or we give them all the glory while we watch from the sidelines. Grissom: (shrugs) I don't even know if we have a homicide yet. First reports indicate he had some kind of an episode. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Give me a little credit. Even you wouldn't tape off one of these wide-bodies unless you knew you had something. (beat) Arrest would be good for you. It would be good for me, too. Good for Las Vegas. (GRISSOM looks carefully at the SHERIFF.) Grissom: You running for mayor? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT] (The CSIs are on the plane and examine the scene in front of them.) Nick: (sighs) What about the passengers in coach? They see anything? Sara: Brass said the curtain was shut. The Flight Attendant kept them separated. They disembarked through the rear. Warrick: What do we know about the dead guy? Catherine: Tony Candlewell, age 30. Communications Company Manager from Atlanta, married ... no record. (GRISSOM walks onto the plane and looks at everyone.) Grissom: So? What do you think? Catherine: I don't know but this sure must have looked scary at thirty thousand feet. Warrick: All this damage by one guy? Had to be on drugs. Sara: Too much damage for one guy. Nick: So, more than one guy? (NICK turns to look at GRISSOM.) What do you think, Gris? Grissom: I think we got ten witnesses all singing the same song. Deceased went berserk. Unless we find something else in the evidence, that's what happened. Catherine ... Catherine: I'll start the interviews. Grissom: Thank you. Warrick, go with. Warrick: Yeah. Grissom: Brass has them all assembled in the lounge. Assume there's evidence on everyone. Nick, go with the coroner. Sara and I will work the plane. This is a mobile crime scene. It might not be here tomorrow. (With their assignments, NICK, CATHERINE and WARRICK leave the plane. GRISSOM takes out a pair of gloves to get to work.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- LOUNGE - NIGHT] (Inside the airport lounge, the disembarked first class passengers sit and wait.) (KIERA BERHLE stands up and catches SHANNON, the Flight Attendant's attention.) Kiera Berhle: (to SHANNON) Miss, my daughter has to go to the bathroom. Shannon (flight attendant): Okay. I'll see what I can do. Kiera Berhle: Thank you. (They sit back down. SHANNON walks off to find someone.) (As SHANNON walks by, VICKI MERCER grabs her arm and her attention.) Vicki Mercer: How are you holding up? Shannon (flight attendant): I'm still shaking. (VICKI MERCER gives her a reassuring smile; SHANNON walks away.) (BRASS, followed by CATHERINE and WARRICK, walk into the Airport Lounge.) Brass: Can I have your attention? I'm Jim Brass, from homicide. This is Catherine Willows and Warrick Brown from Las Vegas Criminalistics. They're here to gather evidence. Lou Everett: You know you can't keep us here. Catherine: (calmly and reassuring) Sir, we realize this is an imposition, and we apologize for it. Nobody wants to see you on your way more than we do. We'll make this as quick and painless as we possibly can. (They look at the passengers. No one else objects. WARRICK and CATHERINE turn around to get to work.) Warrick: (quietly) Nice snow job. Catherine: More flies with honey. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT] (SARA reaches into the deceased's jacket and takes out his driver's license. It reads: ) GEORGIA DRIVER'S LICENSE {PHOTO} NUMBER: 167121417 EXPIRES: 06-18-2003 CANDLEWELL, TONY 8975 LOCKRIN LN. ATLANTA, GA 30311 s*x: M BIRTHDATE: 06-18-1975 EXAM DATE: 06-15-1998 DOUNTY: 060 HEIGHT: 6-02 WEIGHT: 225 POST: 4 49 FEE: 8.00 RESTRICTIONS CLASS: C ENDORSEMENTS TYPE: REG {SIGNATURE} ] (SARA goes through the wallet contents. DAVID PHILLIPS walks up behind her. She stands up.) Sara: Driver's license ... library card ... organ donor card. David Phillips: Stand-up guy. (She finds a photo.) Sara: He had a family. David Phillips: Can you imagine getting that phone call? What a shame. (She sighs, closes the wallet and hands it to DAVID.) Sara: David ... it's always a shame. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] (The Coroners wheel out the body on a gurney across the tarmac GRISSOM interviews the PILOT and CO-PILOT.) Co-Captain Arrington: I saw him board. He seemed like an okay guy. (Quick flashback to: On board, pre-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL helps DR. KIERA BERHLE with putting her bags up on the overhead storage.) TONY CANDLEWELL Here, let me help you with that. Kiera Berhle: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. (CO-CAPTAIN ARRINGTON watches the exchange from the front of the plane. Tony Candlewell: Sure. No problem. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: When did you become aware that there was a problem in the cabin? Captain Murdle: Sixteen-thirty hours, about 35 minutes out. Shannon asked one of us to come out and address an issue with a passenger. (Quick flashback to: The cockpit door opens; CAPTAIN MURDLE sees SHANNON, the flight attendant, standing there.) Captain Murdle: What's the problem, Shannon? (Back in the cabin, there's some commotion as TONY CANDLEWELL tries to get the lavatory door open.) Tony Candlewell: Come on! Hello! (b.g.) Other people have to go to! (CAPTAIN MURDLE heads for the back of the area.) Shannon: (to the other flight attendant) Do me a favor: Go back to coach. Make sure no one comes forward. Thanks. (The other flight attendant heads for the back of the cabin. TONY CANDLEWELL continues to struggle with the lavatory door.) Tony Candlewell: (shouting) Come on! It's been ten minutes! Captain Murdle: Sir ... is there some way we can assist you? Tony Candlewell: Yeah. You can help me open this door. Captain Murdle: There are two other rest rooms towards the rear of the plane. Tony Candlewell: I paid $1,200 to pee here, not in coach. Captain Murdle: Sir? You need to take your seat. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: How much time did you spend with him? Captain Murdle: Two minutes. Grissom: In that time did you notice anything that would explain his behavior? (CAPTAIN MURDLE shakes his head.) Grissom: Was he drunk maybe, or on drugs? Captain Murdle: Not as far as I could tell. A little agitated. It's not like I haven't seen this kind of behavior before. Flying just makes people react in funny ways. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (NICK watches DR. WILLIAMS puts a meat thermometer in the deceased to take a body temperature reading.) Nick: Is that a meat thermometer? Dr. Jenna Williams: Digital readout. Bigger numbers. (It beeps.) 98.1. Nick: Guy should be colder than that. Body temperature drops two degrees in the first hour after death then one and a half degrees for each successive hour. Dr. Jenna Williams: Well, he's been dead for two hours. Nick: That would make his temperature at the time of death ... 101.6. (realizing) This guy had a fever. (She looks at the body.) Dr. Jenna Williams: Let's see what else we got. (She checks his pupils.) Dr. Jenna Williams: Petecchial hemorrhaging behind the eyes ... suggesting suffocation of some sort. Horseshoe-shaped contusion on the left side of the neck. Nick: Looks like the heel of a boot. Dr. Jenna Williams: Oh, I'll buy that -- for now. Multiple contusions front and back. Broken hand. Nick: Well, this guy's a study in contradictions. (NICK lifts up the deceased's right hand.) Nick: He's got defensive wounds on his palms but the scrapes on his knuckles and the broken hand indicate aggression. (NICK sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT] (As GRISSOM takes roll call, SARA puts orange cones with their names on tape on the appropriate seat.) Grissom: Dr. Kiera Behrle, 3-E. Emily Behrle, 3-F. Nate Metz, 2C. (GRISSOM puts his hand on the chair and the chair falls backward. It's broken.) Grissom: Nate Metz. Sara: Put your seat back and tray table in their upright position. I don't think so. Grissom: Let me guess who was sitting in 3C. (GRISSOM checks the flight list.) Tony Candlewell. The dead guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and BRASS interview NATE METZ.) Nate Metz: Look, the guy was a real ass. Brass: In what way? Nate Metz: You know why I fly first class? Other than the fact that my company pays for it? Because I can work. I have to work. Catherine: And he wouldn't let you? Nate: No, he, he, he kept kicking the back of my seat with his foot. You know, like in a movie theater when somebody's kicking your seat? Imagine that all the way from Atlanta to Las Vegas. Catherine: Are you telling me this guy was kicking the back of your seat the entire flight? Nate: Maybe not the entire flight. You know, like, like Dallas to, to Las Vegas. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, NATE METZ is working on his laptop when his seat back jostles. NATE METZ pushes back on his seat and it falls back a little bit. His seat jostles again.) Nate: (irritated) Hey, Pele, could you please stop kicking the back of my seat? Tony Candlewell: I wasn't doing anything. Nate: You know exactly what you're doing. Stop it. (With his foot resting on the back of NATE'S seat, TONY CANDLEWELL jostles the seat back.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: What did you do? Nate Metz: I just ... I ignored him. You know, I punched the seat a couple times in anger and that's it. (He looks up at CATHERINE.) Nate Metz: Look, the guy set me off. It was either the seat or him. Catherine: May I see your hands? (He holds out his hands in a loose fist, knuckles up. His right knuckles are red and skinned.) Brass: Your knuckles are pretty banged up. (NATE turns to look at BRASS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN - NIGHT] (SARA and GRISSOM are looking at the seats. GRISSOM moves aside the seat belt and finds something.) Grissom: Blood drops ... away from the main event. (GRISSOM takes a swab sample.) Sara: Maybe that's where the action started. Grissom: Could just be a bloody nose. Sara: Who was sitting in 4B? (GRISSOM grabs the cone on the seat.) Grissom: Lou Everett. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT] (LOU EVERETT is in front of the candy machine. He puts his money in, pushes the button and waits for the OREO cookie pack to come out. It gets stuck.) Brass: Lou Everett? (LOU slams the flat of his hand on the machine glass.) Lou Everett: Yeah. Brass: How'd you get that slice around the chops? Lou Everett: The guy swung at me with a C.D. Put his finger in the hole and slashed me. Warrick: What guy? Lou Everett: That crazy guy-- the psycho. He was out of his mind. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL has his foot up against the back of NATE METZ' seat. He pushes the seat forward. NATE METZ jerks forward into his laptop. The laptop falls into the aisle.) Nate Metz: (stands up angry) What the hell is wrong with you? You know, you owe me another laptop, pal. (NATE picks up the laptop and shoves the thing into TONY CANDLEWELL'S chest. TONY gets up and mumbles.) Tony Candlewell: (mumbles) Move over! (He pushes the laptop aside and shoves NATE METZ backward. The flight attendant and LOU EVERETT both try to break it up before it escalates.) Shannon: Hey! Lou Everett: Hey, hey. We're in mid-flight now, guys. That's enough. (CAMERA SLOW MOTION: TONY grabs the CD on his armrest, stands up and swings it at LOU EVERETT. LOU shouts in pain and hits his seat, spilling his drink.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Lou Everett: So what do you think? Bodily injury ... can I sue a dead man? Brass: I think you need some coffee. Lou Everett: What do you mean? Brass: A few cocktails on the plane, Lou? Lou Everett: (sighs) Look, I get nervous when I fly. So what? Warrick: Well, alcohol does different things to different people ... at different altitudes. Lou Everett: Hey, I was fine. He went bananas. Why don't you just ask ... ask the Flight Attendant? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and BRASS interview SHANNON, the flight attendant.) Shannon: So, we were about 35 minutes out ... when he started pressing his call button over and over. He was complaining of a headache. Catherine: And did you give him anything? Shannon: Yeah, I gave him a packet of aspirin and he popped it dry, no water. Catherine: And, as far as you know did he complain of a headache when he boarded? Shannon: No. Catherine: So what made the worm turn? Shannon: Look, I've been flying for ten years. You know, I have seen it all. I've seen ferrets in suitcases, uh, fellatio in first class ... passengers stir-frying on their tray tables. I mean ... who knows why anyone does anything? (GRISSOM walks up to the conference room. He lingers outside. CATHERINE sees him.) Catherine: Right. Well, thanks for your time. Shannon: Thank you. (SHANNON and BRASS both leave the room.) (When they leave, GRISSOM walks into the room.) Grissom: So, any bites? (CATHERINE puts her things on the desk and starts writing notes.) Catherine: Nada. You? Grissom: If nothing criminal happened on that flight ... why isn't anybody talking to us? Catherine: I'm going to go out on a limb here ... and say ... they're hiding something? Grissom: Then we get to play hide-and-seek. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT] (GRISSOM hangs up the phone. SARA goes through a seat pocket as he reports what he's found to her.) Grissom: I just got off the phone with Nick. The coroner did some carving on our dead guy. She found intercranial bleeding, thoracic hemorrhaging a ruptured spleen. And, for what it's worth the guy also had a fever. (beat) You find anything interesting? Sara: Well, the guy in 4B was knocking them back pretty good. (GRISSOM thinks for a moment. He goes back to seat 4-B, grabs a glove and takes about three little bottles out from the front seat pocket. He holds them up.) (SARA, meanwhile, finds a large broken bottle in the front seat. She looks at it.) Sara: Could be dried blood. (GRISSOM puts the little bottles down and heads for SARA to look at the bottle part she's holding.) (Extreme camera close up to the red dried substance on the edge of the broken green glass. Resume to normal view.) Grissom: Victim had defensive wounds on his hand. (SARA glances at the seat number.) Sara: Marlene Valdez was sitting in 2E. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - INTERVIEW OFFICE -- NIGHT] (MARLENE VALDEZ points to her blouse. She sits down next to her husband, MAX.) Marlene Valdez: Look at me. My blouse is ruined. Just hope it washes out. Max Valdez: We'll get you a new one. Marlene Valdez: After I saved your life, you better. Brass: (to MAX) Mr. Valdez was your life in danger? Max Valdez: Well, you know ... Marlene Valdez: (interrupting) Of course his life was in danger. That maniac was pacing up and down the aisles ... all sweaty ... his eyes glazed. I was sure he was going to hijack that plane. (Quick flashback to: SHANNON tries to restore order to the cabin. TONY CANDLEWELL is up in his seat.) Shannon: Everyone needs to return to their seats. Tony Candlewell: Get out of the way! (He pushes her aside and heads for the front of the cabin. He bangs on the door.) Marlene Valdez: (whispers) Do something. Max Valdez: (brushes it aside) We should just mind our own business. Marlene Valdez: (urgently) Well, if you don't do something, I will. (TONY CANDLEWELL looks out of the front door window. MAX VALDEZ gets up out of his seat and approaches TONY.) Max Valdez: Uh... ex-excuse me, sir. Uh... why don't you just take a seat? (TONY puts his hand over MAX'S face and pushes him backward. MAX falls into the beverage cart behind him.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM and SARA are both kneeling in front of the beverage cart mess in the aisle. GRISSOM holds the bottom half of the wine bottle. Grissom: The other half of the wine bottle ... from 2E. So ... Marlene in 2E slashes the victim. He's bleeding. Where does he go? (GRISSOM looks at SARA.) Sara: The lavatory. (He turns his head toward the lavatory.) (Cut to: The lavatory door opens. GRISSOM sands in the doorway and looks inside. SARA peers over his shoulder.) Sara: No evidence. (SARA turns and heads back to her bag.) Grissom: No "patent" evidence. But if there's blood present there may be latent evidence. (She returns with the ALS and hands it to him.) Sara: One step ahead of you, every so often. Grissom: Thank you. (GRISSOM starts to check the lavatory.) Grissom: Well. Would you hand me the Christopher Columbus from my field kit? Thank you. (SARA returns and hands it to him. GRISSOM checks the bowl.) [SCOPE POV of "protein"] Sara: I take it that's not blood. Grissom: No... but there's protein in it. Sara: Oh, the mile-high club. That means the two passengers may have had no idea what was going on inside that cabin. Grissom: (rote) You know, high altitude enhances the entire sexual experience. It increases the euphoria. Sara: (thinks about it for a moment) Well ... it's good. I don't know if it's that good. (At her comment, GRISSOM slowly turns to look up at SARA. SARA sees GRISSOM'S reaction and has to ask.) Sara: Cite your source. Grissom: Hand me a swab, please. Sara: You're avoiding the question. "Enhances sexual experience. Increases euphoria." Cite your source. Grissom: A magazine. Sara: What magazine? Grissom: "Applied Psychodynamics in Forensic Science." Sara: Never heard of it. Grissom: I'll get you a subscription. (SARA doesn't say anything.) Grissom: (calmly) Now, cite your source. Sara: Oh ... now you want to go down that route? Grissom: Yeah. Sara: (smiles and shakes her head) Nah. Never mind. Grissom: You started it. Sara: Delta Airlines, Flight 1109, Boston-Miami, March '93, Ken Fuller. Hazel eyes, Organic Chem Lab TA, BMOC ... overrated ... in ... every aspect. (GRISSOM looks at SARA.) Could ... we ... get back to work, please? Grissom: Yeah. I think, due to your, uh ... firsthand knowledge and experience in airplane bathrooms, you should do the swab. (GRISSOM steps out of the lavatory and walks past SARA back into the main cabin.) Sara: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE and WARRICK interview VICKI MERCER and CARL FINN, the two passengers in the bathroom.) Catherine: And where were you when this was all going on, Mrs. Finn? Vicki Mercer: Uh, Mercer, Vicky Mercer. Um, I was in the bathroom. Catherine: In the bathroom? For how long? Vicki Mercer: For a while. I ... I really don't fly very well. Warrick: And where was your husband? Carl Finn: We're not married. We just work together. Warrick: Right. Where were you? Carl Finn: I was in my seat. CATHERINE So, then you saw what happened? Carl Finn: I had my headphones on. I was listening to the air traffic control channel. Puts me right out. Catherine: (disbelieving) So, you ... slept through everything and you woke up next to a ... dead body. Carl Finn: (leans back and shrugs) Basically, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR -- AIRPLANE - LAVATORY - NIGHT] (SARA dusts the walls.) (Dissolve to: SARA dusts the door frame leading into the lavatory.) (Dissolve to: SARA dusts the basin edge.) (Dissolve to: SARA dusts the underside of the ceiling where she finds something.) Sara: Handprints. (beat) A stallion. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE takes off her jacket and throws it onto the couch.) Catherine: All right, we're going to have to change tack here because what I said about getting more flies with honey -- I was wrong. (CATHERINE flops onto the couch.) Warrick: This is incredible. Ten people and no one's talking. My theory: The killer is in the group and the rest of them are afraid. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT] (Camera lingers on the group of first class passengers sitting in the airport lounge.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and SARA are in the main aisle looking for evidence. GRISSOM sits writing in his folder. SARA is kneeling looking at something on the side of the passenger seat.) Sara: That guy was wearing khakis, right? (SARA picks some fibers off of the bottom of the seat.) Grissom: Yeah. (She holds it up and examines it with her magnifying glass. GRISSOM turns around and looks at it with his magnifying glass.) Grissom: Fibers drawn from his pants maybe? Sara: We get anything else off the clothes? (GRISSOM looks at SARA.) Grissom: Nick's working on it. (She puts her magnifying glass down and takes out a bindle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT] (GREG SANDERS is putting the deceased's clothes on a dummy. NICK walks into the lab.) Nick: What have you got? Greg Sanders: Well, what you got here is a nice bordeaux and a starbucks blend. No blood. No saliva. Nick: What about prints? GREG SANDERS; Well, suede leather's a tough gig. It's too porous. (NICK sees something.) Nick: Hey. Are you losing your touch there, Einstein? (NICK picks up the photos of the deceased's back and holds it up to the back of the suede jacket.) Nick: Coroner's photos of the dead guy's back. Multiple horseshoe-shaped bruises. Those are definitely shoeprints. Greg Sanders: Yeah. Looks like somebody stomped on your dead guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] (Walking away from the plane, GRISSOM talks on his cellphone.) Grissom: Bring me the jacket. If I do heel impressions I'll need something to compare it to. See you in twenty. (He hangs up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE is in the office going over her notes and absently eating a snack. GRISSOM lingers in the doorway.) Grissom: ... I need their shoes. Catherine: Why you telling me? Grissom: Because you're the "people" person, right? Catherine: Well, why don't you tell them that? They're not giving me bupkus. Grissom: Please? (CATHERINE looks up at GRISSOM and stares at his puppy-dog eyes as he gives her the Look. She gives in and gets up off of the empty office chair. She passes him on her way out the door and hands him her bag of snacks.) Catherine: (o.s.) Okay, people. Listen up. (beat) Shoes ... off. (CATHERINE, the "people" person, walks up to the group and looks around. Not one of them moves.) Catherine: Now. (Finally, they move to take their shoes off. GRISSOM stands off to the side and watches.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Camera slowly pans across the rows of shoes, yellow labels with the owner's name on them. At the end of the row, the camera rests on MAX VALDEZ' sneakers on the print paper.) (GRISSOM presses down on them to get a print.) Grissom: I used to have a pair of these. (He moves the shoes to the side.) Warrick: It all comes down to shoeprints. (WARRICK is also working on getting shoe prints. SARA walks into the room.) Sara: Hey. Catherine: Hi. (SARA walks further into the room where CATHERINE is labeling the prints.) Sara: (looking around) Looks like a shoe sale. Uh, Nick sent these photo comparisons over from the lab. (SARA hands the envelope to CATHERINE. She opens it and looks at the photos.) Catherine: Oh. Excellent. (GRISSOM turns and hands the shoe print to CATHERINE to compare it with the photo.) Grissom: Max. (CATHERINE compares the photo with the print.) Catherine: That looks good. Grissom: Yeah, that's a match. Okay. (CATHERINE moves to the next print. SARA looks over and nods.) Grissom: That distinctive mark on the circular tread... hmm. (CATHERINE straightens and sighs.) Catherine: Well, that's it then. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - MAIN WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE walks out of the office and to the waiting first class passengers.) Catherine: Okay, folks. I've got some good news ... and I've got some bad news. Nate Metz: The good news? Catherine: Well, the good news would be that seven of you may be ... getting out of here very soon. Lou Everett: What's the bad news? Catherine: The bad news is that three of you may be staying in Vegas a lot longer than you planned. And that would be ... Mr. Lou Everett, Mr. Max Valdez ... and Dr. Kiera Behrle. Would you ... please come with me. (GRISSOM watches the passengers' reactions carefully. Hold on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT HALLWAY - NIGHT] (BRASS opens the interview room door. LOU EVERETT and MAX VALDEZ walk out of the room.) Brass: Stevie, keep these guys on ice. (Coming down the hallway are CATHERINE, KIERA BERHLE and her daughter EMILY.) Brass: I'm sorry, ma'am. This is as far as your daughter can go but we'll have an officer stay with her. Kiera Berhle: Come on. It's been a rough night. Catherine: Dr. Behrle, we're going to be asking you some very sensitive questions -- questions that I know that I wouldn't want my daughter to hear. (BRASS kneels down to EMILY'S level and talks with her.) Brass: Hi. My name is Jim. What's your name? Emily Berhle: Emily. (They shake hands while CATHERINE and KIERA BERHLE watch.) Brass: Emily. Oh, that's a great name. Emily, I'm going to make you a deal, okay? We're going to borrow your mom for a little while. Kiera Berhle: (to EMILY) I'll be right back, sweetie, okay? (She kisses EMILY.) Kiera Berhle: Okay. Brass: Okay? And here's the good part. You get to borrow anything you see on me. Emily Berhle: Can I borrow your gun? (As BRASS talks with EMILY, CATHERINE and KIERA both casually walk into the interview room.) Brass: Well, you know, my gun ... it's kind of ... it's old, and it's heavy and ... and it's stuck there. Anything else? Emily Berhle: How about your badge? Brass: You got a deal, and you know what? This is the best thing. You know why? Because anyone gives you any trouble all you got to do is ... flash this. There you go. (BRASS hands the badge to EMILY. She takes it.) Brass: So, were you scared? (EMILY nods.) Brass: Did you see what happened? (EMILY shakes her head.) Brass: Okay. Okay. It's okay. (BRASS nods to the officer standing there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT SECURITY ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (It's 11:29P. BRASS walks into the room. KIERA BERHLE and CATHERINE are there waiting for him. He closes the door and takes a seat next to CATHERINE.) Brass: Sweet kid -- Emily. Uh, so, er ... Behrle ... how long have you been a physician? Kiera Berhle: I prefer surgeon. Brass: Okay. Kiera Berhle: I've been practicing for eleven years. Brass: And what was the nature of your visit to, uh ... to Las Vegas? Kiera Berhle: Emily. She wanted to see the white tigers. Catherine: How did you get that black eye? Kiera Berhle: I caught it during the ruckus. The price you pay for being a Good Samaritan. Catherine: Okay. (CATHERINE reaches for the photo of the suede jacket and stands up. She moves in closer toward ) Catherine: I'm, uh ... just a little confused. Your heel impressions were found on the back of the victim's suede jacket. (CATHERINE shows KIERA BERHLE the photo.) Catherine: That's a little aggressive for a Good Samaritan. (KIERA BERHLE looks up at CATHERINE.) (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, KIERA BERHLE rushes from her seat to stop the other passengers from fighting.) Tony Candlewell: No! No! (TONY CANDLEWELL is already face down on the aisle floor.) Kiera Berhle: Hey, stop it! (She grabs LOU EVERETT's arm. He turns around and accidentally hits KIERA BERHLE on the cheek. She clutches a hand to her cheek and takes a step backward.) Kiera Berhle: Oh... (She takes a step forward and accidentally steps on TONY CANDLEWELL'S back. She pushes everyone aside to make room.) Kiera Berhle: Get out of the way. Get out of the way! Give him some air. Sir? (She flips him over and starts performing CPR.) Kiera Berhle: One, two, three ... one, two ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Kiera Berhle: If he had been in my E.R., I might have been able to save him, but at thirty thousand feet, there's only so much you can do. Look ... I did what I could. Catherine: And you're satisfied with that? Kiera Berhle: Why? Because I'm a doctor I'm responsible for what happened on that plane? Brass: What did happen? Kiera Berhle: I protected my daughter and I tried to save a guy's life. And, yes, I'm satisfied with that. Brass: Well, you've seen cops the tv show, so you know our game. The first one to talk gets to make a deal. Kiera Berhle: I don't need a deal. Brass: No? Well, maybe your daughter Emily needs you to take one. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT] (SARA sorts through the bagged evidence. GRISSOM is on his cell phone at the back of the plane.) Grissom: Mm-hmm. (pause) Right. (pause) Makes sense. Okay. Thanks, Catherine. (GRISSOM hangs up.) Grissom: We have a ping-pong ball. We just need to find the paddles. (Without elaborating, GRISSOM looks at SARA. She catches on.) Sara: Where are they? Grissom: Probably in the first compartment. (SARA stands up and heads for the front seat overhead compartment.) Grissom: The doctor in 3E told Catherine that she performed CPR on the victim. Check the inside of the paddles. See if there's any bio gel on them. (SARA takes out the unit and checks the paddles.) Sara: These look like they weren't even used. There was more lubricant in the bathroom. It's pretty negligent for a doctor. She's got to know every commercial airline carries defib paddles. Grissom: Yeah, and if she didn't know, the Flight Attendant sure did. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - OFFICE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE re-interviews SHANNON, the Flight Attendant.) Shannon: By the time I thought to grab the defibrillator he was already dead. Catherine: But you are trained to use the paddles in the event of an emergency and this was an emergency situation. Shannon: Yes, but I'm trained to use them when a man is having cardiac arrest in his seat, not flopping around in the aisle. Catherine: So, whatever it was he was going through it didn't look a heart attack. Shannon: Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I was scared. I mean ... I thought this guy was going to take us all down. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, SHANNON tries to restore order.) Shannon: All right, everyone needs to return to their seats. (TONY CANDLEWELL pushes SHANNON aside and tries to get into the cockpit. He bangs on the door with his hands, kicks at the door with his feet.) Tony Candlewell: Get out of the way! I got to get off! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: All right, so let me get this straight. 2F is on the floor. His wife is in the aisle brandishing a broken wine bottle. What about 1A? He was closest to the action. Shannon: (shakes her head) That would be Mr. Cash. Um, he was in his seat. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - MAIN LOBBY AREA - NIGHT] (WARRICK and GRISSOM approach PRESTON CASH.) Warrick: Mr. Cash. Preston: I was wondering when you guys were going to get around to asking me some questions. Warrick: So, what did you see? Preston Cash: Not much. Grissom: Sir, it's been a long night, and we don't have much time before our crime scene flies away. Preston Cash: I was in my seat. Grissom: You were sitting in 1A. Warrick: Sitting ringside, how do you not see what happened? (PRESTON CASH takes out his walking stick and opens it in front of them. WARRICK and GRISSOM'S jaws drop as they realize that he's blind.) Grissom: The blind leading the blind. Preston Cash: I'm not totally blind. I'm legally blind. My central visual acuity is 20/200. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, PRESTON CASH sits up in his chair, alarmed at the commotion happening in the aisle in front of him.) Shannon: (o.s.) Take your seat! (All PRESTON CASH "sees" is white light with some shadow movements in front of him. He hears thumping.) Tony Candlewell: (o.s.) You got to land the plane! I got to get off this plane! (He hears a metal container hit the floor.) Lou Everett: (o.s.) Get him off the door! Get him down! (A woman screams. There are more sounds of shuffling and commotion in front of him.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Can you identify the voices? Preston Cash: (sighs) First voice. 4B. Businessman. I could tell by the way he ordered drinks. Grissom: How do you mean? Preston Cash: JW black, triple, not double. Warrick: That's Lou. Preston Cash: Second voice, guy in 2F, kind of far away. (WARRICK sits down on his haunches in front of PRESTON CASH.) Warrick: Max. GRISSOM; Third voice? Preston Cash: Third voice, row behind me, two seats over. Mr. Dot-com. Guy must've typed 60 words a minute. Warrick: That's Nate. Grissom: Mr. Cash, you got to help me. I got eight eyewitnesses with various stories. I put them all in a mixing bowl, add eggs, milk stick it in the oven, and all I got is a limp souffle. Warrick: We need you to tell us everything you heard from the time the deceased banged on the cockpit door to the time he died. Preston Cash: Then listen up. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, the commotion begins and PRESTON CASH sits up in his seat.) (There's thumping in front of him as TONY CANDLEWELL hits the closed cockpit door.) Tony Candlewell: (o.s.) I need to get off this plane! I have to get off this plane! Lou Everett: Get him off the door. Kiera Berhle: Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Emily: Mom-my! Mommeee! Tony Candlewell: No! No! No! (There's more commotion in front of him. The little girl screams. Then all is quiet.) (PRESTON CASH gets to his feet as he listens, but there's nothing but silence.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Preston Cash: I never heard such silence. (GRISSOM'S pager beeps.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room.) Grissom: I got two hours till I lose my crime scene to the Feds. Tell me you have something. Dr. Jenna Williams: I know what set this guy off. Grissom: That's more than I got. Dr. Jenna Williams: We know our victim suffered from intercranial bleeding. I had that pegged as possible cause of death so I crack his skull open, and what do I find? A cantaloupe in a soup can. Grissom: Tight fit. Dr. Jenna Williams: And not from one or two blows to the head. He was also running a high fever so I tested his spinal fluid. A normal protein level is between 15 and 45 milligrams. Candlewell's was 60. Did anybody mention this guy had a headache? Grissom: Flight Attendant gave him two aspirin. Why? Dr. Jenna Williams: He was suffering from undiagnosed encephalitis. (She gives GRISSOM the report. He looks at it.) Grissom: Swelling of the brain. Dr. Jenna Williams: It can manifest like a heart attack: Slurred speech delirium, loss of consciousness. You throw in the altitude and the air pressure changes in the cabin and our guy was probably out of his mind. Grissom: Is that what killed him -- encephalitis? Dr. Jenna Williams: It wasn't the one thing that killed him. Ruptured spleen, intercranial bleeding petecchial hemorrhaging. And the guy's heart just stopped beating. Grissom: A, B, C, D or all of the above. Standoff with the police -- guy gets shot in the chest, runs back into his burning house inhaling smoke as he goes. The roof collapses the air conditioning unit falls on his head, he dies. What killed him? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT] (The team each carries out a dummy from the cars and into the airplane.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN - NIGHT] (Inside the airplane, GRISSOM and the rest of the team re-enact the events of that night.) Grissom: Okay, Vicki Mercer and Carl Finn. I believe are in the bathroom. (WARRICK and CATHERINE carry their dummies into the plane and toward the bathroom.) Warrick: Mile high club. Catherine: If you ask me, it's their spouses that are the dummies. Grissom: Emily Behrle is in 3F. (NICK puts the dummy he's carrying into 3F.) Grissom: Preston Cash, 1A. (BRASS raises his dummy.) Brass: Tony Candlewell, dead guy. Grissom: Right there, 3C. And for now, he's alive until he's dead. (BRASS sets his dummy into seat 3C, then turns to GRISSOM.) Brass: So, you want to tell us what we're doing here? (Everyone gathers around to listen to the explanation.) Grissom: The physical evidence that Sara, Nick, and I collected is contradicting the anecdotal statements that you, Catherine, and Warrick got and my money's on the physical evidence. Catherine: So is mine. These passengers are lying. Grissom: I mean, if this was an arson case, we'd burn down an empty house to prove our theory, right? Well, in this case we're going to recreate the flight from... 1630 hours on. You are in 4B. (GRISSOM hands BRASS a card with a name on it.) Brass: (reads) Lou. Catherine: Lou -- the angry businessman. How about that? Sara: I want to be Shannon. Good. (GRISSOM hands SARA the card.) Warrick: The stewardess. Sara: Excuse me -- it's "Flight Attendant". Grissom: Catherine-- the doctor, 3E. (GRISSOM hands the card to CATHERINE.) Catherine: Single mom. What an imagination you have. Grissom: Max and Marlene, 2E and F. You two are married. Who wants to wear the pants? Nick: CSI-3 seniority, "sweetie". (NICK snatches the card from GRISSOM. WARRICK reaches over for his card.) Warrick: Yeah, whatever. You're henpecked anyway. Sara: Let me guess -- you're the computer geek. Grissom: In the interest of clarity, yes. Nate in 2C. (GRISSOM takes a seat. The broken seat falls backward. WARRICK snickers at the sight. GRISSOM glares at WARRICK.) Grissom: Okay, look, it's going to be sunrise in ten minutes. We're going to have to do a run, lola, run and play this in literal time. Up until the point that Captain Murdle escorted the dead guy back to his seat the events are substantiated by the flight log and the eyewitness statements unless anybody knows something different. Catherine: What time was that? Grissom: 1632 hours -- exactly 33 minutes before they landed in Vegas. One minute later, the plane hit turbulence. Brass: And, according to the Flight Attendant that's when our stiff lost it and started hammering his call button. Sara: So, I walk over ... (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL is in his seat, pressing the call button repeatedly.) Sara: (V.O.) ... try to calm the guy down, but he won't quit. (Cut to: SHANNON walks up the aisle checking the overhead compartments.) (Cut to: TONY CANDLEWELL has a hand to his forehead and is in pain.) Grissom: (V.O.) Well, we know he's suffering from encephalitis. He's probably sweating and fighting back a migraine. (End of flashback. Resume to BRASS.) Brass: I know what my guy's doing in my seat -- Lou. He's getting ticked off. Grissom: Yeah, but Candlewell is ticking off Nate in 2C even worse. I mean, this guy is perseverating. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL is in his seat, kicking NATE METZ'S seat back and irritating him as he's trying to work.) Grissom: (V.O.) Uncontrollably kicking at the seat. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: That's when he winds up and breaks your seat. Grissom: So, I get up, spin around ... (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, NATE METZ throws the broken laptop into TONY CANDLEWELL'S lap.) Grissom: (V.O.) ... confront the guy. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Now, Lou, in 4B, said he was the peacemaker. Brass: Peacemaker, my ass. (BRASS reaches for the pocket in front of him and pulls out the alcohol bottles.) He's got three empties in the pouch. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, LOU EVERETT stands up.) Brass: (V.O.) Seat reeks of whiskey. (End of flashback. Resume to BRASS.) Brass: The guy probably spilled Lou's drink. Catherine: (impressed) Very good. Brass: I was boss at CSI once. For a reason. (BRASS takes a breath and stands up getting into character.) Brass: Anyway, Lou gets up. He's angry. He takes a swipe at the guy. After knocking a few back at 33,000 feet you know, probably misses. And what does he get for his trouble? (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL swings the CD at LOU EVERETT and LOU crying out in pain at the cut. End of flashback. Resume to WARRICK.) Warrick: A CD swipe across the chops. Brass: Right. So he falls back ... Well ... maybe Lou ... (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, LOU falls back and his drink splashes.) Brass: ... spills his own drink. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: By this time, Candlewell's got to be out of his seat, right? (GRISSOM stands up and grabs the CANDLEWELL Dummy and picks it up.) (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL pushes SHANNON out of the way and heads for the cockpit door.) Nick: (V.O.) If I'm Max, I want no part of this. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Plus, I don't have an aisle seat. Brass: Yeah, but you're lucky. Your wife is going to make sure that you get in the playing field. Warrick: (to NICK) Yeah, go ahead, honey. Save my life. (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, At his wife's urging, MAX VALDEZ gets up from his seat and heads for the commotion in the aisle.) Nick: (V.O.) Right. Max gets up ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (NICK gets up from his seat and heads for the aisle.) Nick: ... slides across Marlene. Excuse me, "buttercup". Grissom: (holding the dummy) Candlewell's moving up and down the aisle by now. Nick: I come over confront the dead guy. Then what? (turns around) Who talked to 2F? To Max? Brass: (from his seat) I did. Max told the dead guy to sit down. He turned, he shoved Max into the food cart (As he talks, GRISSOM pushes NICK with the dummy's hand.) (Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY pushes MAX and he falls backward into the beverage cart in the aisle.) Brass: (V.O.) ... Max landed on the ground. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Warrick -- I mean, "Marlene" -- that's when you got up and grabbed the broken wine neck. (WARRICK gets up from his seat.) Warrick: Saved Nick's butt, as usual. Grissom: There's a bottle of wine on the floor. (Quick flashback to: MARLENE gets up from her seat and picks up the bottle. She swings.) Grissom: (V.O.) You slash at Candlewell ... (End of flashback. Resume to GRISSOM who holds up the Dummy's hand in self-defense. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Then he swipes him across the hand. Hence the defensive wound. Grissom: Now our guy's bleeding. He turns and heads for the cockpit. (GRISSOM takes the Dummy and acts out what happened.) Grissom: Bang, bang. He wants in the cockpit ... (Quick flashback to: TONY hits the flat of his hand against the cockpit door leaving the blood from the wound on the door and door frame.) Grissom: (V.O.) ... but the door is locked. (TONY turns around. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Captain Murdle gets on the horn calls first class twice. No answer. Why? Sara: Shannon's vapor-locked. Grissom: He can't get in the cockpit. What's next? (GRISSOM looks around, then stretches the dummy's hand toward the door.) Grissom: He heads for the exit door. Blood underneath the latch handle shows that Candlewell tried to open it. (Quick flashback to: TONY reaches for the exit door and tries to open it.) Grissom: (V.O.) And, if he gets the door open, they all die. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Now it's a whole new ball game. It's every man for himself. (BRASS heads for the front) Nick: (nods and heads for the front) Oh, yeah. (Quick flashback to: MAX and LOU reach TONY and grab him to get him away from the exit door. Everyone else watches.) Nick: (V.O.) This is when they really get scared. Warrick: (V.O.) And, according to Preston, Max and Lou they got to Candlewell first. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: The struggle ensued. Max and Lou slammed into Preston (Quick flashback to: TONY is being man-handled and yelling, "no!". End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: ... and, at some point, Candlewell goes down. Now it's a free-for-all. (Watching from the sidelines and not really participating, SARA watches the others re-enact what happened mid-flight. She walks closer as they continue.) Catherine: And my shoes end up on his back. Nick: Mine, too. Brass: Ditto. Warrick: He's messing with my man, so I get my licks in. Grissom: Nate's knuckles were bruised ... so he was in on it. Brass: We're in close quarters, so there's elbows flying everywhere. Catherine: That's probably how the doctor got her black eye. Brass: Right. (SARA sees something.) Sara: Hey, guys! If you jump a guy at the exit, he dies at the exit. (GRISSOM stands up when he realizes what SARA'S saying.) (Everyone backs away from the TONY dummy.) Brass: Yeah. And our guy... (BRASS picks up the TONY dummy and carries him down the aisle ... toward SARA.) Brass: ... was found five feet away ... with his head towards coach. (He puts the dummy on the ground.) (Quick flashback to: TONY heads back down the aisle. The others follow and continue to attack him.) Nick: (V.O.) He tried to get away. Warrick: (V.O.) But they didn't let him. Catherine: (V.O.) And, at this point we're not individuals anymore -- we're a mob. Emily: Mommy! Mommy! (After a moment of constant kicking and stomping, the passengers stop and step away. TONY doesn't move.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: And you can't perform CPR on a man's back. Dr. Behrle had to have rolled him over ... (Quick flashback to: KIERA BERHLE rolls TONY over and checks for a pulse.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... probably just to cover for herself. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: That makes us all murderers. (WARRICK nods in agreement. Camera cuts to various camera views of CATHERINE, NICK, SARA and BRASS to get their reaction.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - DAY] (GRISSOM reports their findings back to SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY. They both stand in front of the SHERIFF'S car on the tarmac looking back at the airplane.) Grissom: I want five of those passengers arrested for murder. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, that's four more than I anticipated. Grissom: We looked at the evidence, and the evidence says five. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Let me get this straight. Five strangers get on a plane and then, together, they kill a man. Grissom: On the surface, self-defense. They thought Candlewell was bringing the plane down. Sheriff Brian Mobley: And he would have. Grissom: But he didn't. They stopped him, and then they killed him -- not as individuals, but as a mob. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Let's cut to the chase, Gil. Can you prove your case? Grissom: Not yet. I need more time. (The SHERIFF gets into the car.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, time's up. I'm going to give these people their walking papers. If the Feds want to pursue it, let them. Grissom: Don't do that. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, come on. No jury's going to ever convict them. Grissom: You don't know that, Brian. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, if you or I were on that plane we would do whatever it takes to save our lives. Grissom: That's what a jury would say. That's not what the evidence says. Sheriff Brian Mobley: That's exactly my point. (He drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT./EXT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - DAY] (The first class passengers line up to get on the bus. They take their seats inside. GRISSOM stands to the side and watches the board. MAX VALDEZ heads for the bus and glances up at GRISSOM. NATE METZ also pauses as he looks at GRISSOM. They board the bus.) (CATHERINE exits the building and stands next to GRISSOM. Together, they watch the bus leave. As it pulls away, LOU EVERETT glances back at them. The bus turns around and DR. KIERA BERHLE watches them as they leave the airport.) Reporter (woman): (V.O.) Las Vegas Air has issued no formal comment other than to stand by the actions taken by the flight crew. Meanwhile, the first-class passengers from the flight have been released ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY] (SARA sits in the breakroom watching the newsreport on the television. WARRICK walks into the room reading the newspaper.) Reporter (woman): (V.O.) ... and no charges will be filed. The airline provided a bus to their Las Vegas destinations. Our request for interviews were denied, leaving the events surrounding the death of Tony Candlewell a mystery. (On the set, the passengers board the bus. NICK pulls up a chair. They, too, glance at the television. WARRICK picks up the remote and turns the seat off.) Sara: Hey. Nick: Whoa. Warrick: Let it go, guys. Sara: Those people should be going to jail not some hotel on the Strip. Warrick: It's out of our hands. Our field ruling was overturned by the good old Sheriff and the Feds. Nick: And you're okay with that? We processed evidence for twelve hours laid out the whole case and now those passengers are going to suck martinis and eat shrimp cocktails? Where's the justice? Warrick: Oh, you think this is about justice? Nick: Yeah. What else? Grissom: It's about human nature -- how people react when their lives are threatened. Sara: I know you're not condoning what they did. Warrick: I'm not discounting it. I mean, think about it -- is there anyplace more vulnerable than being at thirty thousand feet in a tin can? Sara: Feeling "vulnerable" is not a defense and where they were is irrelevant. They took a life. Warrick: Because their lives were threatened. Nick: Their lives were threatened when Candlewell was at the emergency exit trying to open it, but the five feet between the exit and the aisles is what made the difference between self-defense and murder. Warrick: Human nature again. I mean, adrenaline doesn't come with an off switch. (Behind them, CATHERINE and WARRICK enter the break room.) Sara: I don't care what you say. I could never take a life. Warrick: If it was between him or me, I could. Nick? (NICK shakes his head and sits back.) Nick: I don't know. Catherine: Well ... it's wicked serious in here. Sara: Yeah, well, we were just talking about murder and whether we would commit it. I couldn't, Warrick could and Nick's on the fence. We're taking an exit poll. Nick: Catherine, you're a mother. You and Lindsey are on that plane. How far do you go? Catherine: All the way. Sara: (surprised) You didn't even hesitate. Catherine: That's right. If it involves the protection of my child I fight to the death. Warrick: See? We have four people here, all with different opinions. Think of how the passengers must have felt. Sara: What do you think, Grissom? Grissom: I can't answer that question. Catherine: That's a cop-out. It's a simple question. What would you have done if you had been one of those passengers? Grissom: It's not about that. You all have different opinions but you've taken the same point of view. You've put yourself in the shoes of the passengers, but nobody's put themselves in the shoes of the victim. That's the point. Sara: I'm sorry. What are you saying? Grissom: Nobody stopped to ask Candlewell if he was all right. They just assumed, because he was kicking the back of Nate's seat, that he was a jerk -- because he was pushing his call button that he was bothering the Flight Attendant -- because he was trying to get into the lavatory he was making a scene -- because he was going back and forth up and down the aisles, he was posing a threat. Catherine: He was a threat. Grissom: No. He turned into a threat. It didn't have to be that way. People make assumptions. That's the problem. You just did. And I think these passengers made the wrong assumption and now this guy's dead. Warrick: Well, if that's your stance how could it have been prevented? Grissom: If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him it might not have happened. It took five people to kill him. It would have only taken one person to save his life. (Various camera cuts of CATHERINE, WARRICK, NICK and SARA.) (SARA looks back at GRISSOM.)
Plan: A: Grissom; Q: Who investigates the death of a first class passenger on a flight to Las Vegas? A: Their investigation; Q: What is a race against time? A: 12 hours; Q: How long do Grissom and his team have to investigate the death of a first class passenger before the FBI takes over? A: F.B.I.; Q: Who will take over the investigation after 12 hours? A: matters; Q: What does the refusal of the other first class passengers to cooperate make worse? A: their fellow passenger's death; Q: What do the other first class passengers seem to have some involvement in? Summary: Grissom and his team investigate the death of a first class passenger on a flight to Las Vegas. Their investigation is a race against time, because after 12 hours the F.B.I. will take over. To make matters worse, the other first class passengers are very reluctant to co-operate, leading the team to consider that they had some involvement in their fellow passenger's death.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Buffy: "Parker, did I do something wrong?" Parker: "Didn't you have fun?" Buffy: "Is that all it was?" Parker: "What else was it supposed to be?" Buffy: "He's manipulative and shallow, and why doesn't he want me?" Willow: "I think you're missing something about the whole poop-head principle." Xander: "Hi again." Anya drops her dress and Xander squeezes the juice box. Xander and Anya getting dressed. Xander(voice over): "So, college not so scary after all, huh?" Three masked commando guys with weapons drawn walking up to a vamp laying on the ground. Buffy (voice over): "It's turning out a lot like high school, which I can handle." Xander in his basement with a knife in his hand. Xander: "I don't know, I was going for ferocious, scary, but it's coming out more dryly sardonic." Willow: "It does appear to be mocking you with its eye holes." Oz: "The nose hole seems sad and full of self-loathing." Xander turns the jack-o-lantern around to show to Buffy who's laying on his bed: "What do you think, Buff?" Buffy: "I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun - happily entwined with others, then someone comes along, cuts you open and - rips your guts out." Xander: "Okay, and on that happy note, I've got a treat for tomorrow nights second annual Halloween screening. People - prepare to have your spines tingled, your gooses bumped by the terrifying (Pulls out a video and reads the title) Fantasia. Fantasia?" Oz: "Maybe it's because of all the - horrific things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to." Xander: "Phantasm. It was supposed to be 'Phantasm". Stupid video store!" Willow: "I thought we were doing the alph delt thing." Xander: "What thing?" Buffy: "The scary house? Sounds kinda lame." Oz: "It actually borders on fun. You have to go through the scary house maze to get to the party. Which is usually worth getting to. Those guys go all out." Willow: "As witnessed last Friday." Oz: "Very true." Xander: "There is a party?" Willow: "We didn't tell you?" Xander: "No, it's cool. You guys got your little college thing. I'm fine. I mean, I got better things to do than tag along to some Fraternity." Willow: "You can come." Xander: "Okay. But only because I lied about having better things to do." Oz: "A blast will be had by all." Buffy gets up: "I'm gonna get going." Xander: "Now? Tonight's still...(Looks at his watch) okay, it's a little mature, but still." Buffy: "I'm sleepy. You guys have fun." Willow: "You want me to come with?" Buffy leaves: "No I'm fine." Xander shakes his head: "Sad Buffy." Willow: "She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face." Oz: "She's still suffering a little post-Parker depression." Xander: "Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?" All three raise their hands. Cut to Buffy walking down the street alone. A demon jumps out at her screaming and she hits it in the face knocking it down. It pulls of its mask to reveal a young kid. Kid: "Jeez, that hurt! What the hell is wrong with you, lady?" Gets up and walks away. Buffy: "That's what I'd like to know." Intro. Cut to UC of Sunnydale. Willow and Buffy are walking into the cafeteria. Willow: "I've got the basics down - levitation, charms, glamours. I just feel like I've plateaued wicca-wise." Buffy: "What's the next level?" Willow: "Transmutation, conjuring, bringing forth something from nothing. Gets pretty close to the primal forces. A little scary." Buffy: "Well, no one's pushing. You know, if it's too much don't do it." Willow: "Don't do it? What kind of encouragement is *that*?" Buffy: "This is an 'encouragement' talk? I thought it was 'share my pain'." Willow: "I don't know. Then again, what is college for if not experimenting? You know, maybe I can handle it. I'll know when I've reached my limit." Oz comes up to them: "Wine coolers?" Buffy: "Magic." Oz: "Ooh, you didn't encourage her, did you?" Willow: "Where is supportive boyfriend guy?" Oz: "He's picking up your dry cleaning, but he told me to tell you that he's afraid you're gonna get hurt." Willow with a smile: "Okay, Brutus. (Oz just looks at her) Brutus - Caesar? (Willow looks form Oz to Buffy) Betrayal - trusted friend? (Makes stabbing motions with her banana) Back stabby?" Oz: "Oh, I'm with you on the reference, but - I won't lie about the fact that I worry? I know what it's like to have power you can't control. I mean, every time I start to wold out, I touch something -deep - dark. It's not fun. But just know that what ever you decide, I back your play." Buffy: "See? Concerned boy, sweet boy." Willow: "I kinda like him - worrying anyway." We hear laughter and Buffy looks over to see Parker sitting at a table laughing with his friends. Buffy: "You know I, uhm, I forgot - to (puts her food down and turns to leave) be hungry." Willow hands her food to Oz and runs after her: "Wait, Buffy." Willow catches her in the hallway: "Buffy. Don't let jerky Parker chase you away." Buffy: "He didn't. I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm taking a holiday from dealing, happily vacationing in the land of not coping." Willow: "You know what, you'll feel better at the party tonight. Maybe you'll even meet someone." Buffy: "Willow, I don't want to meet someone. I've reached my quota on someones. Besides, I think I'm gonna have to patrol anyway." Willow: "Tonight, but - it's Halloween!" Buffy: "I'll double check with Giles, but I'm sure he's going to think I should be on active Slayer duty. He doesn't care about Halloween." Cut to Giles opening his door dressed up like a Mexican holding a big bowl of candy. Giles: "Happy Hallow - Hello, Buffy?" Buffy stares at him: "Oh - my - God." Giles: "It's a sombrero." Buffy: "And it's on your head." Giles: "It seemed festive. Uhm, come in. (Buffy comes in) Candy?" Buffy looks around at the decorations: "What's going on here? You hate Halloween." Giles: "I never said any such a thing. As my Watcher's duties took precedence, I simply haven't taken time to - well, to embrace its inherent charms - until now. (Turns on a Frankenstein puppet hanging from the ceiling) Look, look! (Laughs) It's alive! (Buffy just stares at him) See - how he shakes? - Is - is there something you wanted?" Buffy: "I was thinking that I should patrol tonight. You know, possibly the cemetery or if you had a better su... (Stares distractedly at the fringe dangling from the edge of his sombrero) could you please take that off?" Giles sets down the bowl of candy: "Oh, yes, of course. (Takes the hat off) I see, is there some specific danger you were sensing?" Buffy: "No. But then you know we were all caught of guard when Ethan turned everyone into their costumes." Giles: "True, but what happened then was anomalous. Creatures of the night shy away form Halloween. They find it all much too crass." Buffy: "Hard to believe." Giles: "Well, I-I promise you - there is little likelihood of any supernatural activity tonight. (Holds up the bowl of Candy) You sure you don't want one?" Cut to the Alpha Delta Fraternity house. They are decorating the haunted house. A guy walks down the hallway and a plastic skeleton with a knife in its hand swings out in front of him, making him jump. 1.Guy laughs and holds up a bag to the guy standing next to the skeleton: "I come bearing spiders." 2.Guy: "The sound system is not going to cut it. Nothing but lame." 1.Guy: "You want me to call Oz? He can probably hook us up." 2.Guy: "Do it. If we not scare the young women, they will not fall into our arms. - We'll have woman-less arms. Halloween isn't about thrills, chills and funny costumes, it's about getting laid." 1.Guy: "Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?" 2.Guy: "Arborday. Call Oz, dude." 1.Guy: "Done. And oh, you wanted a symbol to paint upstairs, something mystical? (Holds up a book with a pentagram in it) Check this out." Cut to Xander putting on a jacket in his basement, he turns and there is Anya standing on the stairs. Xander: "Anya? You really have to get this knocking thing down. - How did you...?" Anya: "You're uncle Rory let me in. Does he always smell like peppermint?" Xander: "The man likes his schnapps. What are you doing here?" Anya: "You haven't called. Not once." Xander: "You said you were over me." Anya: "And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear." Xander: "That's the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value." Anya: "That's stupid." Xander: "I accept that. - I can't say seeing you falls into the realm of a bad thing." Anya smiles: "Really? - I thought - maybe we could go out tonight, for our anniversary." Xander: "Anniversary?" Anya: "It's been exactly one week since we copulated. - Did you forget?" Xander: "Oh, no, of course not. It's just I already have plans with Buffy, Willow and Oz. It's Halloween, you know." Anya: "I don't understand." Xander: "Well, every October 31st, we mortals dress up in masks..." Anya: "No, no, I understand that inane ritual. It's those people. You continue to associate with them though you share little in common." Xander: "What are you talking about?" Anya: "I mean they go to college, you don't. They no longer live at home, - you do." Xander: "Oh, hey, those things... The bonds of true friendship transcends... Could we just change the subject?" Anya: "Okay, okay. Don't get upset with me. I just wondered." Xander: "If you want you can come with me tonight to this party." Anya: "You mean like a date? - Is that what this is? (Xander swallows) Are we dating?" Xander: "There are definitely date-like qualities at work here. - Oh, you'll need a costume." Anya: "A costume?" Xander: "Dress up, you know, something - scary." Anya: "Scary. Scary how?" Xander: "Anya, you ex-demon, terrorized mankind for centuries. I'm sure you'll come up with something." Cut to Psyche-lecture room at UCS. Buffy walks up to Prof. Walsh and Riley as they get ready to leave. Buffy: "Excuse me, Professor Walsh? I came to get today's assignments. I, uh, couldn't make it to class for personal reasons." Walsh: "Right. I count four limbs, a head no visible scarring, so I assume your personal issue wasn't a life threatening accident of any kind, I'm therefore uninterested. You got problems, solve them on your own time. Miss another class and you're out." Prof. Walsh walks past Buffy. Riley: "She means it, you know." Buffy: "Yeah. I got the impression she wasn't saying it to make me laugh." Riley: "You've got to be aware your work's taken a little down turn lately. I can't remember the last time I've seen your hand up." Buffy: "Does stretching count?" Riley: "Look, things get pretty intense Freshmen year, - as I dimly recall. Too much fun or not enough?" Buffy after a beat: "Both actually." Riley hands her the assignments: "Yeah, well, you just got to keep your priorities. Prof. Walsh is worth your time." Buffy: "Thanks, I'll get this done tonight." Riley: "Tonight. It's Halloween! What, your not going to dress up and go party?" Buffy: "I have a lot of work to do." Riley: "I may be out of line here, and it's not really my business, but - you seem like the kind of person that makes things really hard on themselves. Halloween isn't a night for responsibility. It's when the ghosts and goblins come out." Buffy: "That's actually a misnomer." Riley: "Well, I didn't mean real ones. (Buffy smiles and looks down) But, hey, there is some good scary fun to be had on campus tonight." Buffy: "Yeah? What are you doing?" Riley: "Well, I'm going to sit here and grade papers." Buffy turns to go: "Scary." Riley: "Very." Buffy: "Well, thanks for the pep talk, coach." Riley: "Don't make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous." Buffy: "No, I mean it." Riley after a beat: "You're welcome." Buffy smiles and walks out while Riley looks after her. Cut to the Alpha Delta Fraternity house. A guy is painting the symbol from the book onto the floor. Oz and Xander carry in a speaker. 3.Guy: "Okay, watch your step, boys. Paint's still wet in a few spots." 2.Guy: "Thanks for the loan, man. Our sound system sucks." Oz: "Mi casio es su casio." Xander points at the pentagram: "Well, that's an interesting little design. What does it mean?" 3.Guy: "No - clue. I got it out of this book. There is a lot of really cool stuff about..." Xander spots a bowl on a table: "Ooh, grapes! (Picks up a grape) Wow, peeled. You guys know how to spoil your guests." 2.Guy: "Eyeballs, man. Blindfold chicks and have them stick their hands in the bowl and tell them it's eyeballs. They love that." Xander: "And here I was wasting time buying them flowers and complimenting them on their shoes. So, you go through the whole house of horrors downstairs and it ends up here. Sweet. You fratly guys have a nice setup." 2.Guy: "Hey, mighty, mighty Alpha Delts. You should think about pledging." Oz: "Oh, Xander is a civilian." 2.Guy: "Ah! Townie, huh? Didn't know. He looked so normal. You sure we should let him come to the party, Oz?" Xander: "Hey, standing right here." Scary sound effects start to play loudly. Oz looks at the speakers unhappily. 2.Guy: "Cranking." Xander looks at Oz: "You're sensing a disturbance in the force, master?" Oz pulls out a folding pocketknife: "Ah, the left speaker is crackling a little bit." Xander: "And you feel stabbing it is the proper solution?" Oz: "I'm just going to trim the wire. It might be a short." Xander nods and turns away. Oz straightens up: "Ah!" Xander: "Oz?" Oz: "Cut myself. It's okay." He walks over shaking his hand. Some blood drops on the symbol on the floor. Xander: "Playing with knives, fun, yes, but not safe. And when you bleed to death I've got dibs on your equipment." A ripple runs over the symbol, but no one notices one of the plastic spiders at its edge coming alive and crawling away. Cut to Joyce altering a red cape on her sewing machine. Buffy: "Thanks again for doing this at the last minute." Joyce: "I'm just glad I could find it. There. Try it now. I let down the hem and loosened it a little around the hood." Buffy puts it on: "Oh, it feels better. (Joyce smiles at her) Oh, no. Someone is getting nostalgic face." Joyce: "I'm sorry. I'm thinking about the little girl who wore that. What is it? Five? Six years ago." Buffy: "Yeah, little red riding hood was the cutting edge in costumes." Joyce laughs: "Your father *loved* to take you out." Buffy: "He was such a pain! 12 years old and I can't go trick-or-treating by myself?" Joyce: "He just wanted to keep you safe." Buffy: "No, he wanted the candy. I was just the beard." Joyce: "Oh, that's not true actually. The candy was for me. - Your father loved spending time with you." Buffy looks down: "Not enough, I guess." Joyce: "Buffy." Buffy: "Oh, that just paved right over memory lane, huh?" Joyce: "Our divorce had nothing to do with you." Buffy swallows: "I don't know. - I'm starting to feel like there is a pattern here. - Open your heart to someone, and he bails on you. Maybe it's easier to just not let anyone in." Joyce gets up: "I thought it might be easier. You must have noticed that I am not exactly the social butterfly I was when I was with your dad. I don't think I made a single new friend the year we moved to Sunnydale." Buffy: "Why not?" Joyce: "Fear. I didn't believe I could trust anyone again. It's taken time and a lot of effort, but I've got a nice circle of friends now. - I mean, don't get me wrong. I - I'm still a little gun shy. It certainly didn't help that my last boyfriend turned out to be a homicidal robot. (Sits down next to Buffy) I will *always* be here for you. And you got Mr. Giles and your friends. (Buffy looks at her) Believe me, there is nothing to be afraid of." Cut to students in costumes toilet papering some trees. Cut to Willow in Joan of Arc costume. Willow on the phone: "No, I just meet you at your place. - Yeah, Buffy said she was coming but I haven't seen her. We have to make sure she has fun. We have to force fun upon her. And if Parker shows up we just - ax-murder him. That's halloweeny! Okay, I'll see you in a little bit." Willow hangs up the phone and goes into the hallway. It's full of college kids in costumes. Tall black guy in drag wearing a blond wig comes up to her: "Willow, you've got to stop by the room." Willow: "I'm late for a battle or I would. I love your outfit though." Willow walks by a red lobster talking to a girl dressed like a present. Lobster: "There is nothing going on here." Present: "I saw you flirting with her!" Lobster: "Do we have to do this every time? I love you, you know that!" Cut to the haunted house. It's in full swing. 2.Guy leads a blindfolded girl to the bowl of peeled grapes: "Okay, Rach, what's in the next one?" Rachel: "You guys are sick!" 2.Guy: "Here, give me your hand." Rachel with her hand in the bowl: "This is gross." 2.Guy: "Eyeballs, Rachel, they're eyeballs! Muahaha!" Rachel giggles takes her blindfold of and looks at what she's picked up out of the bowl. She is holding eyeballs. Screams. Cut to Buffy, dressed like little red riding hood, is standing with a basket in her hands. Xander walks up behind her wearing a tux. Xander: "Hey, Red. What you got in the basket, little girl?" Buffy: "Weapons.' Xander: "Oh." Buffy: "Just in case. Like the tux, Xander." Xander: "Bond. James Bond. Insurance, you know, in case we get turned into our costumes again. I'm going for cool, secret agent guy." Buffy: "I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably end up cool head waiter guy." Xander: "As long as I'm cool and wield some kind of power." They meet up with Willow and Oz. Buffy: "Will. Medieval Will." Xander: "Hail, ye olde - vareletty - thou." Willow: "I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how - I was almost burned at the stake, and plus she had - that close relationship with God." Xander to Oz: "And you are?" Oz pulls his jacket open to reveal a nametag with 'God' on it. Xander as they walk on together: "Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could have been God." Oz: "Blasphemer." Two of the commando guys wearing ski masks and carrying guns step out of the bushes in front of them. Buffy: "Nice costumes. Very stealthy." Willow: "What are they supposed to be?" Oz: "NATO?" Xander: "Oh, yeah, I, ah, invited Anya to join us, but she's having some trouble finding a scary costume, so she's just going to meet us there." Buffy: "Perfect, everybody's got a date but third-wheel Buffy." Willow: "You're not a third wheel." Xander: "Technically speaking you're a fifth wheel." Willow pushes him aside impatiently and puts an arm around Buffy: "We're going to have the best time." Cut to the inside of the haunted house. All the kids are running around, screaming. There are strobe lights going, given everything a creepy look. A voice rumbles: "Release me!" Cut to Buffy and Co. walking up to the house. Cut to the kids running and screaming. Cut to Willow and Oz smiling and holding hands as they walk up to the door. Oz turns around in front of the door: "Let the horrors begin." Cut to 2.Guy running down a corridor: "God, help me!" He falls down the steps and lands in a lifeless heap at the bottom. Voice rumbles: "Release me!" Cut to Buffy and Co. entering the silent haunted house. Xander: "The joint's not jumping. Where is everybody?" Mechanical laughter comes from a head with one eye hanging from its socket sitting in a punch bowl on a table next to the door. Oz: "Follow the signs." Buffy looks at the severed head: "Terrifying. If I were Abbott and Costello this would be fairly traumatic." Willow walks into a cobweb decorating a doorway and screams: "Uh, ah! Cobweb! (Pulls it off of her) Okay that part was realistic." Oz: "Frat boys aren't too obsessive with their cleaning. Might not be decoration per se." The plastic skeleton with the knife swings out at Xander and he jumps. Xander panting: "I wasn't scared, I was in the spirit." Willow: "And we back you up on that. Even if they question us separately." Oz looks back at Willow and notices a real tarantula on her shoulder. Willow sees what he is looking at and screams: "Uh, get it off!" Oz brushes at it the checks her over: "It is gone." Willow: "Okay, that is not sanitary!" Buffy: "Yeah, lets get to the party part of the - party." Willow to Oz: "Are you sure it's off?" Oz as they follow Buffy: "Yeah." They walk into a room and Buffy bends down to examine a spot on the carpet. Oz: "I thought this led to..." Xander to Buffy: "What is it?" Buffy looks at the stain on her fingers: "Blood. (Smells her fingers) Real blood." Xander: "Okay, actual creeps have been given. (Loudly) Bravo, frat boys!" Buffy stands up: "Shh! Do you hear something? Like a - squeaking noise?" Xander: "Oh, it's these rented shoes, patent leather. I asked the guy to..." Willow: "No, no, I - wait. It's something else. I hear it, too. Something like..." They all slowly look up at the ceiling. It's covered with real bats. All of them scream and cover their heads as the bats suddenly drop down and fly off down the hall. Oz walks over and picks up a bat that is laying on the floor. Willow: "No, Oz, don't it might be..." Oz: "Rubber. It's made of rubber." Buffy looks around: "What the hell is going on here?" Xander: "Look, maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just a neat trick. You know, something done with wires or..." Rumbling voice: "Release me!" Xander: "Or it might be something else." Cut to Anya walking up to the house wearing a furry, white bunny suit. There is a welcome mat laying in front of a solid wall. Anya: "Where is the door? (Knocks on the wall) Hey! Hello!" She sighs and walks back out to the street. She hears a scream coming from the house and looks up to see a girl banging against one of the upper story windows. Girl: "Help me! Help me!" The stones surrounding the window suddenly expand to cover it up. Anya turns to go: "Xander!" Cut to Buffy and Co. walking back into the entrance room. You can hear all kinds of screams and creepy sound effects. Xander: "Where is the stairs?" Willow: "Where is the door?" Buffy: "This is the way we came in, right? We just went in a circle? (The sound effects cut off as Oz flips a switch) Thank the lord!" Oz: "You're welcome." Willow: "Hey, I have a neat idea: lets get out of here!" Buffy: "And you were so anxious for me to come." Willow: "I'm serious, Buffy. We don't know what we're dealing with." Xander: "My turn. Does anyone hear that?" Buffy: "As soon as we start dealing with it I'll know what it is we're dealing with. Do you hear something?" Xander: "Like I said. Sounds like a hissing." Buffy puts down her basket: "It's like a 'ssss' noise?" Xander: "I thought the word hissing kind of covered that nicely." Buffy pulls open the door to a closet. There is a guy in there rocking back and forth. Chaz: "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry." Oz crouches down in front of him: "Chaz." Chaz: "I didn't know." Oz: "What's happening?" Chaz rocking harder: "It ah..." Buffy impatiently: "What is it?" Chaz: "It's alive. It's alive." [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the plastic skeleton. Cut to the knife in its hand. As the camera pans back up the bones are suddenly real. There is an eyeball in one of its sockets. It straightens its head and looks at the camera. Cut to Buffy: "What's alive?" Xander: "He's in shock." Buffy: "Chaz, what happened here?" Chaz looks up and screams as he sees the skeleton come up and stab at Buffy's shoulder from behind. Buffy turns and knocks its head aside then kicks it in the middle. It lies back to land on the ground, once again plastic. Buffy stares at it then checks her shoulder. Buffy: "I think the cape took most of it.' Xander: "Let me see." Oz: "Could need stitches. You should at least get a bandage or something." We hear a girl scream and Chaz crawls back into the closet and closes the door. Oz: "Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan." Buffy looks back over her shoulder: "What closet? (There is only a blank wall) I'm gonna make my way upstairs and see if there are any people up there. (Picks up her basket) You guys find a way out of the house and use it." Willow: "You're telling us to run away and leave you behind?" Buffy pulls a loaded crossbow out: "We need help. We need the only person that can make sense of what's happening." Cut to Giles sitting with his bowl of candy, looking bored. There is an insistent knock on the door and he gets up. Giles swallows his candy: "Just a minute! - Coming! (Opens the door) Happy Hall..." Anya walks past him: "Xander is in trouble. We've got to do something, right now!" Giles stares at her with his mouth hanging open: "Anya." Anya: "Are you listening? Xander is trapped!" Giles: "Uh, ah, where is Buffy and the others?" Anya: "They're trapped, too, but we've got to save Xander!" Giles takes off his sombrero and sits down: "Slow down. I need you to be more specific." Anya: "Uhm, ah, we were supposed to meet at this house, and I got there and there was no door where a door should be. And then I see this girl standing in a window, and then poof! She's gone.' Giles: "She vanished from the window?" Anya: "No, the window vanished from the house." Giles: "Hmm. Matter and reality distortion. (Goes and pulls a book from his shelf) Like a summoning spell's temporal flux." Anya: "What?" Giles: "Hmm? Oh, never mind. I just need to get some - supplies together. (Looks over at Anya) I wouldn't worry about Xander. At least he's amongst friends." Cut to Buffy: "Will, I'm telling you..." Willow: "You're telling me? You're telling me?!?" Buffy: "I can't do my job if I have to worry about each of your safety." Willow: "It's not your decision!" Buffy: "Got to disagree with you there." Willow: "Oh, of course you do." Xander: "Let's all take a breath. Buffy, maybe..." Willow: "Being the Slayer doesn't automatically make you boss. You're as lost as the rest of us." Oz: "What are we talking about?" Willow: "It's a simple incantation, a guiding spell for travelers when they become lost or disoriented." Buffy: "And how does it work?" Willow: "It conjures an emissary from the beyond that - lights the way." Buffy: "Conjuring. Will, let's be realistic here. Okay, your basic spells are usually only fifty-fifty." Willow upset: "Oh yeah? Well, - so is your face!" Willow walks off while Buffy tries to figure out what that meant: "What?! (Walks after Willow) What does that mean?" Willow turns around: "I'm not your sidekick!" Willow stomps out. Oz runs after her. Buffy stands there and sighs. Xander: "Well, that was a bunch of laughs. (Buffy walks past him back to her basket) Look, Buffy, we are all tired and a *little* edgy. Maybe Willow is over reacting. I'm sure part of it is because of how you've been 'pushing away' girl lately. (Buffy picks up her crossbow, ignoring him totally) But now is not the time to let that stuff tear us apart. (Buffy turns to go) What I'm saying is, I'm right with ya. I'm right by your side. I'm..." Buffy looks around: "Xander?" Xander: "Funny how you still haven't lost your sense of inappropriate humor." Buffy turns around looking right through him: "Xander, where did you go?" Xander: "Buffy, knock it off. Skit's over. I'm right here." Buffy stomps off down the hall: "This is so *typical* of him!" Xander: "Typical?" Buffy down the hall: "Xander?" Xander follows her after a beat: "Buffy!" Xander walks into a room lit by candles. The walls are covered with cobwebs. Xander: "Buff?" Pan back down the corridor. Willow: "She thinks I'm not ready to be a full blown witch! I can handle the dark forces as good as anyone else. It's not that hard. I-It's just a guiding spell and I'm careful and all." Oz looks around the room they just walked into: "This floor used to have windows." Willow: "Look. We found the stairs. (Starts walking up) Buffy didn't find the stairs, no sir!" Oz following Willow up the stairs: "You guys aren't thinking clearly." He looks down at his hands. They are hairy and his fingernails look more like claws. Willow in upstairs corridor: "We just need to get up to the goat room and maybe we can..." Oz: "Willow, something is happening." Willow turns back to him: "Something good? (Sees that he is turning into a werewolf) Oh, no - not good." Oz: "I'm changing." Willow: "But - but you can't! There is no moon tonight." Oz: "I have to get away." Willow: "No, we need to find something to restrain you, like a rope or chains, or something." Oz: "There is no time!" Willow: "I can do the guiding spell. I know I can make it work!" Oz: "Will, please." Willow tries to grab him: "No!" Oz bats her hand away with a growl: "NO!" Willow looks down at the three red scratches on the back of her hand. Oz turns and runs off. Willow: "Oz! - Oz, don't leave me!" We get several quick shots of different empty parts of the house with Willows voice echoing: "Don't leave me! Don't leave me!" Cut to Xander walking up to a mirror: "There I am. I didn't go anywhere. (He looks at his reflection in the mirror. We can see a decapitated head with one eyeball hanging from its socket sitting on a dresser behind him) Great. Now I just have to live with the fact that no one else can see me." The head begins to jiggle, blood runs from its eye sockets. Xander spins around and stares at it. Head: "I can see you." Xander runs off. Camera pans down a corridor to reveal Oz sitting in a bathtub repeating over and over: "You're not going to change. You're not going to change." Camera pans over some old pictures covered with cobwebs, comes up behind Buffy walking down a corridor. She hears a noise and spins around, crossbow at the ready, but there is nothing there. Cut to Willow sitting at a table: "Okay, Aradia, Goddess of the lost, the path is murky, the woods are dense, darkness pervades, I beseech thee, bring the light. (She opens her eyes and smiles as she sees a tiny speck of light floating in front of her face) Woah! I did it! I did you. Hi! - Right, you're waiting for instructions. Lead me to Oz. (The speck of light starts to float past her, and Willow gets up) Wait! I should try to find the people trapped upstairs first. (Willow looks down and doesn't see that there are now two then three sparks) But even if I get them we still need to find a way out of the house. (They spark keep multiplying) Okay, here is what we should do. (Sees the cloud of sparks) Hey! What's going on? (The sparks start to circle her) Stop! (Willow starts to bat at them as they start to buzz around her like a cloud of mosquitoes) Stop it! - Get off! - Oz, hel.." Some of the sparks fly into her mouth and she starts coughing, then runs off. The sparks chase after her. Cut to Buffy. She hears Willow yell for help and spins around. She tries to follow Willow's voice. Buffy: "Willow." She comes up to a locked door and bust it open. There is no floor in the room behind it and she falls down into the basement. We see her laying on the floor on her back, looking up as the door swings slowly shut. Buffy: "Basement. - I must be in the basement." Hollow voice: "All alone." Buffy pushes herself up: "Who said - that?" The guy that fell down the steps walks around a corner with his head tilted at an unnatural angle. Guy: "They all ran away from you. They always will. Open your heart to someone and (Smiles at her) - But don't fret, little girl, you're not alone (Buffy screams as arms burst up through the floor to grab at her) anymore." Cut to Buffy struggling against the dead people coming up through the floor trying to pull her down. Cut to Giles and Anya standing in front of the house. Giles is running a hand over the place where the door used to be, holding an open book in his other hand. Anya is bouncing impatiently: "Well?' Giles: "We're gonna have to create a door." He closes the book and walks over to his bag. Anya: "Create a door. You can do that?" Giles gets up with a chainsaw in his hands: "I can." Cut to Buffy fighting the dead people. Broken neck guy: "No matter how hard you fight, you just end up in the same place. (Buffy crawls along the floor on all fours, kicking at the guys following her) I don't see why you bother." Buffy reaches a small door, goes through and slams it shut behind her. She is in the big room with the pentagram on the floor. Buffy: "I'm upstairs. The goat room." She slowly walks into the room. There are college kids in costumes cowering all along the walls, whimpering. Buffy looks at a boy cowering in a corner: "Oz?" Willow comes running into the room waving her arms around: "Get them off me! Get them off me! (Oz looks at his normal hands then up at her) Get'em off! Get'em off!" Oz takes a hold of her: "Willow, Willow, Willow, what's wrong?" Willow: "Couldn't get them off.." Oz: "It's okay. It's okay. (Pulls her into his arms) We're okay." Buffy shakes her head: "We're not okay. We need to get out of here." Xander: "I'd offer *my* opinion but you jerks aren't gonna hear it anyway. (Buffy walks over to where he is rocking back and forth on the edge of a chair) Not that 'didn't go to college' boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care." Buffy yells: "What is wrong with you?" Xander gets up: "You - you heard that? You - you can see me? (Buffy nods) Good. Oh, God, good!" Oz: "The house separated us. It wanted to scare us." Willow: "But - we got away." Buffy: "No. We were brought here. We all got so scared that we ended up here. - Why?" Xander points at the pentagram on the floor: "I saw them painting that. They were copying it out of (Looks around and spots the open book on a table) that!" Willow take the book from him: "I think it's Gaelic." Buffy: "Can you translate?" Rumbling voice: "Release me! (They all look around but there is nothing there) Release me!" Buffy: "Will, give me something." Willow: "Okay, uhm, uhm, the icon's called the-the Mark of Gachnar. I-I think this is a summoning spell for something called.." Xander: "Gachnar?" Willow: "Well, yes. Somehow the beginning of the spell must have been triggered. Uhm, Gachnar is trying to manifest itself, to-to come into being." Buffy: "How?" Willow: "I-it feeds on fear." Buffy: "Our fears are manifesting it. We're feeding it. We need to stop." Xander: "If we're close our eyes and say it's a dream it'll stab us to death! These things are real." Rumbling voice: "Release me!" Buffy: "Okay, so our fears are feeding it, if we get everyone out of here.." The walls start knocking and shaking. Xander: "Good plan. Lets go!" Walks towards the door. He screams when it burst open to reveal Giles with the running chainsaw in his hands. Giles turns off the saw. Xander: "Giles? Everyone, it's Giles! With a *chainsaw*. (Anya runs in and hugs Xander) Glad you could make it." Giles: "The walls closed up behind us. (Walks over and takes a look at Willow's book) Gachnar, of course. It's presence infects the reality of the house, but it's not managed to achieve full manifestation. We can not allow this to come into being." Buffy: "But if it does I can fight it, right?" Giles walks over and shows her a picture in the book: "Buffy, this is Gachnar." Buffy: "I *don't* want to fight that. So, we break the spell." Xander: "What ever we do, lets do it fast." Giles flipping pages: "I have it, I have it. Uhm, 'The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the mark of Gachnar (Buffy walks over to the mark and puts her fist through it, ripping up the floorboards. Gets up and looks over at Giles with a proud smile) - Is *not* one of them and will in fact immediately bring forth the fear demon itself." Buffy makes a face and looks at the mark that's beginning to glow. Willow: "Look!" The floor rumbles as they all stare in horror. We get a close up of Gachnar, and he's one ugly dude. Gachnar looks up and the camera pulls back to reveal that he is tiny, maybe a half a foot tall, if that. Buffy: "This is Gachnar?" Xander: "Big overture. Little show." Gachnar: "I am the dark lord of nightmares! (Buffy tries not to laugh) The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!" Willow laughing: "He - he's no cute!" Gachnar: "Tremble!" Xander bends down: "Who's a little fear demon? Come on! Who's a little fear demon!" Giles: "Don't taunt the fear demon." Xander: "Why, can he hurt me?" Giles: "No, it's just - tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying..." Buffy: "Size doesn't matter?" Gachnar: "They're all going to abandon you, you know." Buffy: "Yeah, Yeah." We get a shot of Buffy's huge foot as she stomps down and squishes the fear demon. Cut to the gang digging into Giles Halloween candy at his house. Oz: "Some quality treats here, Giles." Giles: "*Please*, finish them." Buffy: "Uhm, this is much better. There is no problem that can not be solved with chocolate." Willow leans back crossing her arms over her stomach: "I think I'm going to barf." Buffy: "Except that." Xander stares at Anya while he's eating his candy. Anya: "What?" Xander: "That's your scary costume?" Anya: "Bunnies frighten me." Giles: "Oh, bloody hell. The inscription!" Buffy: "What's the matter?" Giles comes over to show her the book: "I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar." Buffy looks at it: "What's it say?" Giles: "Actual size." After a beat Buffy shrugs and closes the book. BLACK OUT
Plan: A: a Halloween frat party; Q: Where are the gang when they find themselves in a real-life house of horrors? A: a fear demon; Q: What creature feeds on the gang's fears? A: their individual fears; Q: What does the fear demon feed on? A: Anya; Q: Who needs Giles to help her save Xander? Summary: The gang find themselves in a real-life house of horrors while at a Halloween frat party, in which a fear demon feeds on their individual fears. Meanwhile, Anya needs Giles to help her save Xander when she realizes something is amiss.
INT. ??? Someone types away on an old-fashioned typewriter as a MAN speaks in film noir style with a New York accent. MAN: (V.O.) New York, the city of a million stories. Half of them are true. The other half? Just haven't happened yet. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, NIGHT We see a number of statues throughout Manhattan as thunder sounds. As the rain starts, we see a statue of a mother and child in a park across from a row of fine houses. MAN: (V.O.) Statues, the man said. Living statues that moved in the dark. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT GRAYLE: So, will you take the case, Mr. Garner? (throws a packet of money on the desk) GARNER: Sure. Why not? GRAYLE: Because you don't believe me. GARNER: For $25 a day, plus expenses, I'll believe any damn thing you like. GRAYLE: But you don't believe that statues can move. (chuckles) And you're right, Mr. Garner, they can't. Of course they can't. (looks out the window at the statue) When you're looking. GARNER: Goodnight, Mr. Grayle. GARNER takes the money from the desk and heads for the door, putting on his fedora as he does. He is followed out by one of GRAYLE'S men. GRAYLE looks out the window and watches GARNER as he crosses the street to his car. He closes the curtain, takes a few steps, then turns back and looks out. The woman part of the statue is missing. INT. ??? The typewriter is superimposed over EXT. NEW YORK CITY, NIGHT GARNER drives to the address GRAYLE gave him. GARNER: (V.O.) The address Grayle gave me was an apartment block near Battery Park. (gets out of the car) He said it where the statues lived. I asked him why he didn't go look himself. He didn't answer. Grayle was the scariest guy I knew. If something scared him, I kind of wanted to shake its hand. GARNER walks up to the building. A sign on its roof declares it to be Winter Quay. He pauses at the bottom of the entrance stairs and looks at a window where an old woman is sitting, looking back out. In another window, a young girl covers her face with her hands, looks out then covers her face again. To the right of the stairs is a life-size statue of an angel, its face covered with its hands. GARNER walks up the stairs and the heavy front doors open on their own. GARNER cautiously enters the building. Behind him, the angel statue has its mouth open, showing pointed teeth. INT. WINTER QUAY, FOYER, NIGHT GARNER walks forward towards the lift. GARNER: Hello? Hello?! The lift comes down on its own and the doors slide open. He enters the lift. Over his shoulder we see an angel, hands over its face. The lift rises. GARNER: What the...? INT. WINTER QUAY, 7TH FLOOR HALL, NIGHT GARNER exits the lift. The floorboards creak as he walks down the hall examining the doors and nameplates. He stops at 702 and peers at the name "S. GARNER". INT. WINTER QUAY, ROOM 702, NIGHT GARNER slowly opens the door and knocks. GARNER: Hello? Anyone home? GARNER walks down the short hallway and fingers a fedora and jacket draped on a mirror. An open, worn wallet on the side table catches his attention. He slides out a card that bears his photo and name. It's his PI license. He reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out his wallet and his license. A moan from an inner room gets his attention. GARNER: Hello. GARNER knocks on the door and pushes it open. It opens into a dimly lit bedroom where there is an old man in the bed. GARNER: Who are you?! OLD MAN: They're coming for you. They're going to send you back. GARNER: Who's coming? Back where? OLD MAN: In time. Back in time. I'm you. (reaches out a hand) I'm...you. The OLD MAN falls back against the pillow. GARNER walks out of the apartment and into the hall. He looks to the right and sees an angel. He looks to his right and sees another angel in the lift as it arrives on the floor. GARNER looks back to the first angel that is now closer. He turns to the second that is also closer. He pulls out his gun and backs out through the door to the stairs. He starts down the stairs but stops when he sees two angels, arms out, teeth bared. He runs upstairs [intercut with typewriter]. He steps out onto the roof and we hear crashing footsteps that shake the ground. He slowly turns around and looks up in awe. GARNER: You got to be kidding me. Standing taller than the building is the Statue of Liberty, teeth bared. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith [SCENE_BREAK] Karen Gillan [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur Darvill "The Angels Take Manhattan" By Steven Moffat PRODUCER Marcus Wilson DIRECTOR Nick Hurran [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NEW YORK CITY, DAY We have a montage of New York [Brooklyn Bridge, East River Ferry, busy Manhattan streets and even statues and Times Square] as we hear Sting's "Englishman in New York". The Doctor's voice takes over. DOCTOR: (V.O.) New York growled at my window, but I was ready for it. My stocking seams were straight, my lipstick was combat-ready, EXT. NEW YORK CITY, CENTRAL PARK, DAY The DOCTOR is reading a book as AMY reads a newspaper while sitting on a large rock. RORY lies on the ground, soaking up the sun. A picnic basket is on the ground beside them. AMY is wearing glasses. DOCTOR: (reading aloud) "...and I was packing cleavage that could fell an ox at 20 feet." AMY: Doctor, you're doing it again. DOCTOR: (over his shoulder) I'm reading! AMY: Out loud. Please, could you not? DOCTOR: (turns around and glares at her) There's something different about you, isn't there? RORY: What's the book? DOCTOR: "Melody Malone." She's a private detective in old-town New York. AMY: (sarcastically) She's got ice in her heart and a kiss on her lips and a vulnerable side she keeps well-hidden. DOCTOR: Oh, you've read it. AMY: No, you read it. Aloud. And then went "Yowzah." RORY: (sits up) You know, only you could fancy someone in a book. DOCTOR: I'm just reading. I just like the cover. AMY: (turns around quickly) Ooh! Can we see the cover?(leans over his shoulder) DOCTOR: No. No. I'm busy. It's your hair. (sniffs her) Is it your hair? AMY: Oh, shut up. It's the glasses. I'm wearing reading glasses now. On my nose. See? There you go. DOCTOR: I don't like them. They make your eyes look all liney. (lifts up the glasses and stares at her before looking away) No, actually. Sorry. (drops the glasses) They're fine. Carry on. RORY: O-kay. (stands) I'm going to go and get us some more coffee. Who wants more coffee? Me too! I'll go! (turns to leave) AMY: Rory. (RORY stops) Do I have noticeable lines on my eyes now? DOCTOR: Yes. RORY: No. AMY: You didn't look. RORY: (turns around) I noticed them earlier. Didn't notice them. I specifically remember not noticing them. AMY: You walk among fire pits, centurion. RORY: Do I have to come over there? (walks over to AMY) AMY: You can, if you like. RORY: Well, we have company. (squats) AMY: I'll get a babysitter. RORY and AMY kiss. DOCTOR: Oh! Do you know, it is so humiliating when you do that. (reads) RORY: Coffee? AMY: Coffee. (giggles) RORY leaves. DOCTOR: Can I have a go? (takes AMY'S glasses and puts them on) Oh! (holds the book out then brings it close) Actually, that is much better. That is exciting. AMY: Read to me. DOCTOR: I thought you didn't like my reading aloud. AMY: Shut up and read me a story. Just don't go "Yowzah!" They sit back-to-back and laugh. DOCTOR: (rips out the last page) Ah! AMY: Why did you do that? DOCTOR: Oh, I always rip out the last page of a book. Then it doesn't have to end. I hate endings. (puts the page in the basket and continues to read aloud) "As I crossed the street, I saw the thin guy, but he didn't see me." EXT. NEW YORK CITY, STREET, DAY RORY crosses the busy street as he holds three cups of coffee. DOCTOR: (V.O.) "I guess that's how it began." EXT. NEW YORK CITY, CENTRAL PARK, DAY RORY enters the park at the corner of Central Park South and Fifth Avenue, by the Plaza Hotel. He crosses through the park and arrives by the Bethesda Fountain. On the base of the fountain are cherubs. He walks past the fountain towards the underpass. There is the sound of childish giggling and scampering. RORY turns around. He doesn't see the face of one of the cherubs has its mouth open, showing its teeth. He turns back and continues through the underpass. The cupid is gone from the fountain. In the underpass, RORY hears more giggling and scampering. He turns but sees nothing. DOCTOR: (V.O.) "I followed the skinny guy for two more blocks before he turned..." On the Bow Bridge, not far from where RORY is, the DOCTOR is reading from the book as AMY plays Pooh Sticks. DOCTOR: "...and I could ask exactly what he was doing here. He looked a little scared, so I gave him my best smile and my bluest eyes." AMY: And beware of the "yowzah." Do not, at this point, yowz. The DOCTOR jumps down from the railing, intrigued by something in the book. AMY: (runs over to the DOCTOR) Doctor? What did the skinny guy say? DOCTOR: "He said, 'I just went to get coffees for the Doctor and Amy. Hello, River'." EXT. NEW YORK CITY, STREET, NIGHT RIVER is dressed as a private eye, complete with trench coat and fedora. RIVER: (lifts head) Hello, Dad. RORY: Where am I? How the hell did I get here? RIVER: I haven't the faintest idea. (a figure crosses behind RORY) But you'll probably want to put your hands up. RORY turns around and sees a man aiming a gun at him. He drops the coffee and raises his hands. Another MAN appears behind RIVER. MAN: Melody Malone? RORY: (over his shoulder) You're Melody?! A car brakes to a halt between RORY and RIVER. MAN: Get in. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, TIMES SQUARE, DAY AMY and the DOCTOR cross Broadway. AMY: What's River doing in a book? What's Rory doing in a book? DOCTOR: He went to get coffee. Pay attention. AMY: He went to get coffee and turned up in a book. How does that work? EXT. NEW YORK CITY, EAST RIVER, DAY The DOCTOR and AMY walk along the bank of the East River by the Brooklyn Bridge towards the TARDIS. DOCTOR: I don't know! We're in New York! INT. CAR, BACK SEAT, NIGHT RORY and RIVER get into the car. RORY: What is going on? INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR sets the controls. AMY: Where did you get this book? DOCTOR: It was in my jacket. AMY: How did it get there? DOCTOR: How does anything get there? I've given up asking. Date. Date. Does she mention a date? When is this happening? AMY: (flips through book) Yes, hang on. Uh -- ooh! April 3, 1938. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, STREET, NIGHT The car drives through the streets. INT. CAR, BACK SEAT, NIGHT RIVER: You didn't come here in the TARDIS, obviously. RORY: Why? RIVER: You couldn't have. INT. TARDIS AMY is reading from the book. DOCTOR: (appears over AMY'S shoulder) Couldn't have? AMY gasps. DOCTOR: What does she mean, "couldn't have"? INT. CAR, BACK SEAT, NIGHT The car passes Grand Central Station. RIVER: This city's full of time distortions. Be impossible to land the TARDIS here. Like trying to land a plane in a blizzard. Even I couldn't do it. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: Even who couldn't do it?! AMY: Don't you two fall out. She's only in a book. DOCTOR: Ha ha. 1938. Easy one. The DOCTOR flips the control to set the TARDIS in motion but it sparks and rocks, throwing AMY and the DOCTOR to the rails. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, DAY The TARDIS tries to materialize in the air near the Brooklyn Bridge but is forced back. INT. TARDIS Inside the TARDIS, an alarm sounds and a warning appears on the monitor before it comes to a stop. AMY: What was that? DOCTOR: 1938. We just bounced off it. INT. CAR, BACK SEAT, NIGHT RORY: Well, how did you get here? RIVER: Vortex Manipulator. (shows her wrist) Less bulky than a TARDIS. A motorbike through traffic. You? RORY: I'm... not sure. EXT. GRAYLE MANSION, NIGHT The car pulls into a gated courtyard. Lined along the roof are angels. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, CEMETARY, DAY The TARDIS has materialized in the middle of a cemetery with the Empire State Building in the distance. AMY: The Weeping Angels. DOCTOR: It makes sense. AMY: It makes what? DOCTOR: That's what happened to Rory. That's what the Angels do. It's their preferred form of attack. They zap you back in time, let you live to death. The DOCTOR uses a fire extinguisher on the TARDIS as AMY looks through the novel. AMY: Well, we've got a time machine. We can just go and get him. DOCTOR: Well, tried that, if you've noticed, and we are back where we started, in 2012! AMY: We didn't start in a graveyard. What are we doing here? DOCTOR: Don't know. Probably causally linked, somehow. Doesn't matter. (yells into the TARDIS) Extractor fans on! AMY: Well, we're going to get there, somehow. We're in the rest of the book. DOCTOR: In what? AMY: Page 43. You're going to break something. DOCTOR: I'm what? AMY: (reading aloud) "'Why do you have to break mine?' I asked the Doctor. He frowned and said, 'Because Amy read it in a book and, now, I have no choice.'" DOCTOR: (runs over) Stop! No! No! Stop! (takes the book) You can't read ahead. You mustn't and -- and you can't do that. AMY: But we've already been reading it. DOCTOR: Just the stuff that's happening now, in parallel with us. That's as far as we go. AMY: It could help us find Rory. DOCTOR: And if you read ahead and find that Rory dies? This isn't any old future, Amy, it's ours. Once we know what's coming, it's fixed. I'm going to break something because you told me that I'm going to do it. No choice now. AMY: Time can be rewritten. DOCTOR: Not once you've read it. (takes AMY'S hand and runs for the TARDIS) Once we know it's coming, it's written in stone. In the foreground, one of the gravestones reads "In Loving Memory Rory Arthur Williams". INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT RORY and RIVER are "escorted" into the house by the two men. They stop at the foot of the stairs. RIVER sees a large Chinese vase on a stand bearing writing. RIVER: Ah, early Qin Dynasty, I'd say. GRAYLE: Correct. RIVER and RORY look up to see GRAYLE standing on the first floor landing. GRAYLE: Are you an archaeologist as well as a detective? INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is standing on the console turning a wheel attached to the column with his hand. DOCTOR: Okay, landing a plane in a timey wimey blizzard. I could push through, but, if I'm out by a nanosecond, the engines will phase and I'll shatter the planet. (looks down at AMY) I need landing lights. AMY: Landing lights? DOCTOR: Yes, I need a signal to lock on to. What did she say, early what dynasty? INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT GRAYLE walks down the stairs. GRAYLE: Early Qin, just as you say. You're very well-informed. RIVER: And you're very afraid. That's an awful lot of locks for one door. There are at least four locks on the front door. RORY is looking at all the Chinese porcelain, shocked when he can read the characters. RORY: River, I'm translating. RIVER: It's a gift of the TARDIS. It hangs around. GRAYLE: (to one of his men) This one. Put him somewhere uncomfortable. RORY shrugs in an "of course" motion. MAN: With the babies, sir? GRAYLE: Yes. Why not? Give him to the babies. The MAN grabs RORY by the arm and pulls him from the room. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, CELLAR, NIGHT The door opens and in the light we see an ornate chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Plaster is peeling from the walls showing brick underneath. The MAN throws RORY down the stairs. MAN: The lights are out. You'll last longer with these. (throws RORY a box of matches) RORY: What do you care? MAN: (scoffs) It's funnier. The MAN leaves and shuts the door behind him, leaving RORY in the dark. Soon after the door locks, there is a childish giggling and scraping sound. RORY: Hello? INT. PORCELAIN STUDIO, CHINA 221 BC, DAY The TARDIS materializes in the midst of a busy studio where an older Chinese man directs his apprentices. DOCTOR: Ah, hello. Yes. AMY steps out and the Chinese man looks at her and speaks in Chinese. DOCTOR: (holds up psychic paper) Special permission from the emperor. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT RIVER removes her trench coat to reveal a slinky black dress. She sees "Yowzah" on the Chinese vase in front of her. RIVER: Hello, sweetie. (turns around to face GRAYLE) Let's see -- crime boss with a collecting fetish. (walks over to window) Whatever you don't want anyone else to see has got to be your favorite. Or, possibly, your girlfriend. RIVER opens the curtain to reveal an Angel, poised to attack. However, it is chained and manacled. Its face is deformed, as if attacked. RIVER: So, girlfriend, then. (opens vortex manipulator and starts typing) GRAYLE: What are you doing? RIVER: Oh, you know, texting a boy. INT. TARDIS "Yowzah: Signal Located" appears on the monitor. The DOCTOR runs over to the monitor at the sound of the alarm beeping. DOCTOR: Landing lights. We have a signal. Locking on. The DOCTOR sets the TARDIS to track RIVER. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT RIVER and GRAYLE stare at the Angel. GRAYLE: These things are all over, but people don't seem to notice. It never moves while you're looking. RIVER: Oh, I know how they work. GRAYLE: So I understand. Melody Malone, the detective who investigates Angels. RIVER: (takes a few steps towards the Angel) Badly damaged. GRAYLE: I wanted to know if it could feel pain. RIVER: You realize it's screaming? The others can hear. (turns to face GRAYLE) Is that why you need all the locks? GRAYLE switches off the lights then turns it on again. The Angel is gripping RIVER'S right wrist. GRAYLE: You're going to tell me all about these creatures. And you're going to do it quickly. (turns off the lights) INT. GRAYLE MANSION, CELLAR, NIGHT RORY lights a match and shudders as he stands. He looks around nervously as he hears more giggling and scampering. RORY: Hello, is someone there? RORY walks forward and sees 3 cherub statues lying on the floor. The match goes out and in the dark, there is more scampering. RORY lights another match and now there are 4 cherub statues poised to attack. RORY backs away and drops the match. RORY lights another and the cherubs have now moved towards him in an attempt to block him from the stairs. RORY keeps his back against the wall at the base of the stairs as his match goes out. RORY: Come on! Come on! The match lights and RORY slowly turns his head to the left. There is a cupid there, its mouth puckered. It blows out the match. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT GRAYLE turns the light back on. The Angel is still gripping RIVER'S wrist. RIVER: The Angels are predators. They're deadly. What do you want with them? GRAYLE: I'm a collector. What collector could resist these? I'm only human. RIVER: That's exactly what they're thinking. At that moment the lights begin to flicker and the house starts to shake right before we hear the TARDIS engines. GRAYLE: What's that? What's happening? Is it an earthquake? RIVER smiles. INT. TARDIS The TARDIS engines stall and it rocks. The DOCTOR grabs AMY to keep her upright. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT GRAYLE looks around for the source of what's happening. GRAYLE: What is it?! INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT The TARDIS struggles to materialize. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT RIVER: Oh, you bad boy. You could burn New York. GRAYLE: What does that mean?! RIVER: It means, Mr. Grayle, just you wait 'til my husband gets home. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT The TARDIS finally materializes. The extra energy sends GRAYLE flying into another room. INT. TARDIS AMY runs for the door, stopping to look back at the DOCTOR. AMY: Come on. DOCTOR: (peers around the column) Just a moment. Final checks. AMY: Since when? Out of sight from AMY, the DOCTOR licks his hand and uses it to put his hair in place. He then checks his breath and straightens his tie. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT AMY runs out of the TARDIS and up the stairs. AMY: Rory? Rory! Rory?! DOCTOR: (sees RIVER in the study) Sorry I'm late, honey. Traffic was hell. (kneels to check on GRAYLE) Shock. (stands) He'll be fine. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, STUDY, NIGHT RIVER: Not if I can get loose. The DOCTOR uses a hand to push his hair back into place as he walks into the study. He stands behind her. DOCTOR: So where are we now, Dr. Song? How's prison? RIVER: Oh, I was pardoned ages ago. And it's "Professor" Song, to you. DOCTOR: Pardoned? RIVER: Mmm! Turns out the person I killed never existed, in the first place. Apparently, there's no record of him. It's almost as if someone's gone around, deleting himself from every database in the universe. DOCTOR: (taps RIVER'S nose with his finger) Mmm, you said I'd got too big. RIVER: And, now, no one's ever heard of you. Didn't you used to be somebody? DOCTOR: Weren't you the woman who killed the Doctor? (scans the Angel with the sonic) RIVER: Doctor who? DOCTOR: Ha. (checks readings) She's holding you very tight. RIVER: At least she didn't send me back in time. DOCTOR: I doubt she's strong enough. RIVER: Well, I need a hand back. So which is it going to be, are you going to break my wrist or hers? (the DOCTOR looks at her - AMY stands in the doorway) Oh, no. Really? Why do you have to break mine? DOCTOR: Because Amy read it in a book and, now, I have no choice. (turns to AMY) You see? RIVER: Well, what book? DOCTOR: (reaches into jacket pocket and pulls out book) Your book. (crossly) Which you haven't written yet, so we can't read! (sits) RIVER: I see. I don't like the cover much. AMY: But if River's going to write that book, she'd make it useful, yeah? RIVER: Well, I'll certainly try. But we can't read ahead. It's too dangerous. AMY: I know, but there must be something we can look at. DOCTOR: What, a page of handy hints, previews, spoiler-free? AMY: Chapter titles. The DOCTOR snaps his fingers and points before looking at the chapter page. DOCTOR: He's in the cellar. AMY: (reaches hand out) Gimme. The DOCTOR reaches into his inside jacket pocket and tosses the sonic screwdriver to AMY. She catches it and runs out. The DOCTOR gets up, runs over to RIVER and kisses her on the cheek before heading after AMY. He stops at the door. RIVER: Doctor? Doctor, what is it? What's wrong? Tell me. The DOCTOR grips the back of a chair as he still reads the chapter page. RIVER: Doctor. Doctor, what is it? Tell me. The last chapter is titled "Amelia's Last Farewell". The DOCTOR grips the book as if he wants to throw it. RIVER: Okay, I know that face. Calm down! Calm down! DOCTOR: (throws the book on the chair) No! (storms for the door) RIVER: Talk to me! Doctor! DOCTOR: (stops) No! (walks back to RIVER) You get your wrist out. You get your wrist out without breaking it. (walks to door) RIVER: How? DOCTOR: (doesn't stop) I don't know. Just do it! Change the future! RIVER looks at her wrist. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, CELLAR, NIGHT The door opens and AMY comes down the stairs with the sonic screwdriver. AMY: Rory? At the base of the stairs, the beam from the screwdriver reveals the cherubs. The DOCTOR comes down the stairs behind her. DOCTOR: No! AMY: Aah! DOCTOR: They're Angels! Baby Angels. In front of the cherubs on the floor are the burned-out matches and empty box. AMY: Did they get Rory? Where is he? Did they take him? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so, yes. They hear giggling and scampering so back up the stairs and out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NEW YORK CITY, STREET, NIGHT RORY finds himself on a street. He looks around, puts his hands in his pockets and heads for the nearest building: Winter Quay. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT AMY sits on the bottom steps as the DOCTOR paces. AMY: So is this what's going to happen? We just keep chasing him back in time and they keep pulling him further back. RIVER comes out of the study with her trench coat back on. She reads from her handheld tablet. She keeps her right arm hanging at her side. RIVER: He isn't back in time. I'm reading a displacement, but there are no temporal markers. He's been moved in space, not in time, and it's not that far from here, by the look of it. (looks at the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: (relieved) You got out. AMY: So where is he? EXT. WINTER QUAY, NIGHT RORY slowly climbs the front steps. The doors open with a creak. RORY looks around at the street before entering the building. The angel on the pedestal has its arms out to attack. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR continues to pace, this time excitedly. DOCTOR: (to RIVER) Well, come on, come on, come on, where is he?! RIVER: If it was that easy, I'd get you to do it. DOCTOR: How did you get your wrist out without breaking it? RIVER: You asked. I did. Problem? DOCTOR: (laughs) You just changed the future! RIVER: It's called "marriage," honey. Now, hush. I'm working. DOCTOR: (sits beside AMY) She's good, huh? Oh! Have you noticed? Really, really good. RIVER: Ah, wherever it is, it's within a few blocks. There's a car out front. Shall we steal it? DOCTOR: Show me! The DOCTOR gets up in a rush and grabs RIVER'S right hand on the way out the door. She gasps in pain. The DOCTOR stops and looks at RIVER'S bruised and swollen hand. INT. WINTER QUAY, FOYER, NIGHT RORY looks around. He turns to face the lift as it comes down and the gates open themselves. RORY walks towards the lift. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT RIVER is sitting on the steps. AMY is standing by the wall, The DOCTOR hands her RIVER'S vortex manipulator and her handheld. DOCTOR: Okay, when all those numbers on both units go to zero, that's when we've got a lock, okay? That's how we find Rory. AMY: Got it. The DOCTOR goes to sit next to RIVER. DOCTOR: Why did you lie to me? RIVER: When one's in love with an ageless God who insists on the face of a 12-year-old, one does one's best to hide the damage. DOCTOR: It must hurt. Come here. (takes RIVER'S hand) RIVER: Yes. The wrist is pretty bad, too. The DOCTOR looks at RIVER but she keeps staring straight ahead. He places his other hand above hers and she gasps. Her hand begins to glow yellow with energy. RIVER: No. No. No, stop that. Stop that! Stop it! The DOCTOR removes his hand and RIVER'S wrist is healed. DOCTOR: There you are. (lifts her hand and kisses it) How's that? RIVER: (flexes her hand) Well, let's see, shall we? (slaps his face) DOCTOR: Ah! RIVER: That was a stupid waste of regeneration energy. Nothing is gained by you being a sentimental idiot! DOCTOR: River! RIVER: No! (stands) You embarrass me! (walks out) DOCTOR: (holds out his arms) River! AMY watches RIVER leave then looks back at the DOCTOR, now sprawled on the steps. AMY: (takes off glasses and walks over to the DOCTOR) Tell you what (leans over) -- stick to the science part. AMY gives the DOCTOR both devices and follows RIVER outside. Alone, the DOCTOR stamps his feet in frustration. EXT. GRAYLE MANSION, NIGHT RIVER is standing by the car. AMY walks over to her. AMY: Okay, why did you lie? RIVER: Never let him see the damage. AMY: (goes over to RIVER and puts an arm around her shoulder) Hey. Hey. RIVER: (turns to AMY) And never, ever, let him see you age. He doesn't like endings. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT The tracker beeps and the read-out shows Winter Quay. DOCTOR: There you are. EXT. GRAYLE MANSION, NIGHT The DOCTOR runs down the stairs to AMY and RIVER. DOCTOR: Got it! He's in a place called Winter Quay. The car, yes? Let's go. They run to the car and get in. The statue of the mother and son watches as the car drives away. INT. GRAYLE MANSION, FRONT HALL, NIGHT GRAYLE wakes up and sees the mess. GRAYLE: Ah. GRAYLE walks to the front door. Standing in front of it inside is the mother from the statue. He looks excited at the prospect. GRAYLE: Oh. He backs away around the corner. He turns around to find the boy statue blocking the way to the study. His eyes widen in fear. INT. WINTER QUAY, 3RD FLOOR HALL, NIGHT RORY exits the lift. Electricity crackles as he slowly walks down the hall. He peers at one of the nameplates and reaches for the door. It opens for him. As he turns to walk in, he doesn't notice the Angel at the end of the hall. INT. WINTER QUAY, APARTMENT, NIGHT RORY enters the apartment. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, STREET, NIGHT The car turns around the corner and brakes to a halt. AMY climbs out from behind the wheel. The DOCTOR and RIVER are in the back seat. RIVER has her handheld. RIVER: Why would they send him here? Why not zap him back in time, like they normally do? DOCTOR: We'll know that when we know what this place is. (gets out of the car) AMY is looking at the building. AMY: Winter Quay. The three of them run towards the building. EXT. WINTER QUAY, NIGHT The DOCTOR and AMY run up the stairs. The doors open on their own with a creak. INT. WINTER QUAY, 3RD FLOOR HALL, NIGHT The lift opens and AMY is the first out. AMY: Rory. RIVER: He's close. AMY: (strides down hall) Rory! (peers inside open door and sees him) Rory! (runs into apartment) INT. WINTER QUAY, APARTMENT, NIGHT AMY enters the apartment. RORY: Amy. They hug. INT. WINTER QUAY, 3RD FLOOR HALL, NIGHT RIVER is still using the tracker but stops short outside the apartment. RIVER: Doctor. Look at this. There is an Angel in the hall. It's smiling. RIVER: Why is it smiling? The DOCTOR sees the nameplate by the apartment door. It reads "R. Williams". DOCTOR: Amy. Rory! (runs for apartment) INT. WINTER QUAY, APARTMENT, NIGHT The DOCTOR rushes into the apartment where AMY and RORY are hugging. DOCTOR: Get out of here. Don't look at anything. Don't touch anything. Behind them, RIVER locks the apartment door. They look into the bedroom. AMY: Who's that? An OLD MAN is lying on the bed and reaches out with a gasp when he sees them. OLD MAN: (hoarsely) Amy! Amy, please. The DOCTOR looks away as AMY slowly walks to the OLD MAN. OLD MAN: Amy. (AMY takes his hand) Please. Please. (AMY kneels) The OLD MAN wheezes and pants as AMY looks at him. AMY: Rory. (looks at RORY) He's you. RORY turns away. The OLD MAN gasps and rests back against the pillows. OLD MAN: Amy. (dies) AMY lets go of his hand. RORY: Someone, please, tell me what is going on. DOCTOR: (slowly turns) I'm sorry, Rory, but you just died. RORY gulps before turning around to watch AMY with the older, dead him. INT. ??? The typewriter is superimposed over the exterior of Winter Quay as it types "Chapter 11: Death at Winter Quay". INT. WINTER QUAY, APARTMENT, NIGHT DOCTOR: This place is policed by Angels. Every time you try to escape, you get zapped back in time. AMY: So this place belongs to the Angels? They built it? DOCTOR: Displacing someone back in time creates time energy and that is what the Angels feed on. But, normally, it's a one-off, a hit-and-run. If they could keep hold of their victims, feed off their time energy over and over again... This place is a farm, a battery farm. How many Angels in New York? RIVER: It's like they've taken over every statue in the city. DOCTOR: Yeah, the Angels take Manhattan because they can. Because they've never had a food source like this one, the city that never sleeps. They hear crashing footsteps outside. RORY: What was that? DOCTOR: I don't know, but I think they're coming for you. RORY: What does that mean? What is going to happen to me? What is physically going to happen? DOCTOR: (sits and rubs his face with his hands) The Angels will come for you. They'll zap you back in time, to this very spot, 30 40 years ago, and you will live out the rest of your life in that room, until you die in that bed. The crashing continues outside. RORY: And will Amy be there? DOCTOR: No. AMY: How do you know? DOCTOR: Because he was so pleased to see you again. RORY: Okay. Well, they haven't taken me yet. (chuckles) What if I just run? What if I just get the hell out of here? Then that never happens. DOCTOR: It's already happened, Rory. You've just witnessed your own future. RIVER: Doctor, he's right. DOCTOR: No, he isn't. RIVER: If Rory got out, it would create a paradox. The crashing outside gets louder. AMY: What is that? RIVER: This is the Angels' food source. The paradox poisons the well. It could kill them all. This whole place would literally unhappen. DOCTOR: It would be almost impossible. RIVER: Loving the "almost". DOCTOR: (stands) But to create a paradox like that takes almost unimaginable power. What have we got? Eh? Tell me. Come on, what? AMY goes to stand by RORY and takes his hand in hers. AMY: I won't let them take him. That's what we got. The crashing becomes even louder. RORY joins the DOCTOR by the window. RORY: Whatever that thing is, it's getting closer. DOCTOR: Rory, even if you got out, you'd have to keep running for the rest of your life. They would be chasing you forever. AMY: Well, then, better get started. (opens the door to reveal an Angel) Husband, run! RORY rubs the DOCTOR'S arm in farewell before joining AMY at the door and making a run for it. The DOCTOR takes out his sonic and heads to the door himself. There are now two Angels. DOCTOR: River, I'm not sure this can work. RIVER: Husband, shut up. They run out of the apartment. INT. WINTER QUAY, 3RD FLOOR HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR and RIVER nearly run into two Angels blocking the hall. The lights go out again and the Angels are even closer. INT. WINTER QUAY, STAIRCASE, NIGHT RORY and AMY run down the stairs and stop when an Angel blocks the way. AMY: Up! RORY: What good's up? AMY: Better than down. They turn around and run upstairs. INT. WINTER QUAY, 3RD FLOOR HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR is using the sonic screwdriver to keep the light on as they are surrounded by Angels. DOCTOR: I can't keep doing this. RIVER: Any ideas? DOCTOR: Yeah, the usual. Run. They run. EXT. WINTER QUAY, ROOF, NIGHT RORY bursts through the door and onto the roof. He looks around for a way down. AMY follows and closes the door behind her. INT. WINTER QUAY, 3RD FLOOR HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR and RIVER run down the hall towards the door at the end. The DOCTOR opens it onto the staircase. He looks down and sees Angels blocking the way. He runs back into the hallway. DOCTOR: Uh, okay, fire escape. The DOCTOR takes RIVER'S hand and pulls her away. EXT. WINTER QUAY, ROOF, NIGHT The Statue of Liberty is standing next to the building, looming over the roof. Its mouth is open. RORY: I always wanted to visit the Statue of Liberty. I guess she got impatient. RORY stands next to AMY, panting, before tugging on her arm and running over to the edge. AMY: What? What is it? What? RORY: Just keep your eyes on that! (leans over the side) AMY: Is there a way down? RORY can see the traffic passing down below. RORY: Uh...no. But there's a way out. Over AMY'S shoulder we see RORY climb onto the ledge. AMY: What are you doing? RORY: Oh. (tries to gain his balance) AMY: Rory, what are you doing? (turns) Rory. (walks over to RORY) Stop it! (tearful) You'll die. RORY: Yeah, twice. In the same building on the same night. Who else could do that? AMY: Just come down, please. RORY: This is the right thing to do. This will work. If I die now, it's a paradox, right? The paradox will kill the Angels. Tell me I'm wrong. Go on, please, because I am really scared. (AMY says nothing) Great. The one time you can't manage it. AMY only cries. RORY losses his balance and nearly falls off the ledge. AMY reaches for him but he regains himself. AMY: Oh, God. RORY: (reaches out for AMY and takes her hand) Amy. I'm going to need a little help here. (places her hand on his chest before throwing his arms out to his sides) AMY: (grabs his shirt in her fist) Just stop it! RORY: No, just think it through. This will work. This will kill the Angels. AMY: It will kill you, too. RORY: Will it?! River said that this place would be erased from time, never exist. If this place never existed, what did I fall off? AMY: You think you'll just come back to life? RORY: When don't I? AMY: Rory! RORY: And, anyway, what else is there? Dying of old age downstairs, never seeing you again. Amy, please. If you love me, then trust me and push. AMY: I can't. RORY: You have to! AMY: Could you? If it was me, could you do it? RORY: To save you, (looks at AMY) I could do anything. AMY lets go of RORY'S shirt and climbs up to stand beside him on the ledge. AMY: Prove it. RORY: No, I can't take you, too. AMY: You said we'd come back to life. "Money where your mouth is" time. RORY: Amy! AMY: Shut. Up. (puts his hands on her waist) Together. Or not at all. The DOCTOR and RIVER climb onto the roof via the fire escape. DOCTOR: What the hell are you doing?! AMY: Changing the future. (runs her hand along RORY'S face) It's called "marriage." AMY and RORY fall over the side, their eyes on each other. DOCTOR: Amy! (runs over) Amy! (looks over the side) Amy! AMY and RORY fall, their arms wrapped around each other. On the roof, the DOCTOR watches his friends as they fall to their deaths. It is RIVER who notices the changes start. RIVER: Doctor! (the air begins to fluctuate and the DOCTOR takes her hand) What's happening?! DOCTOR: The paradox, it's working. The paradox is working! The light gets brighter and there is an explosion. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, CEMETARY, DAY We pan the same cemetery as before. Suddenly, RORY and AMY sit up. RORY: Whoa! AMY: Whoa. RORY: Where are we? DOCTOR: (arrives behind them) Back where we started! You collapsed the timeline. The paradox worked. We all pinged back where we belong. RORY: What, in a graveyard? AMY: This happened last time. Why always here? DOCTOR: Does it matter? We got lucky! We could've blown New York off the planet. I can't ever take the TARDIS back there. The timelines are too scrambled. (sighs) Oh, I could've lost you both. (hugs them both) Oh. Don't ever do that again. RORY: What did we do? We fixed it. We solved the problem. DOCTOR: I was talking to myself. (kisses them both on the head and walks away) AMY and RORY laugh. RIVER and the DOCTOR are at the TARDIS. The DOCTOR wipes it down as RIVER holds a bucket. RIVER: It could do with a repaint. DOCTOR: I've been busy. RIVER: Does the bulb on top need changing? DOCTOR: Just changed it. RIVER: (begins to clean TARDIS) So, Rory and Amy, then. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I know. RIVER: I'm just saying, they're going to get terribly bored, hanging round here all day. AMY and RORY walk over. AMY: Doctor. DOCTOR: Ha! RORY: Next time, can we just go to the pub? DOCTOR: I want to go to the pub right now. Are there videogames there? I love videogames. As they walk up, RORY glances off to the side and sees something that intrigues him. RIVER: Right, family outing, then. RIVER and the DOCTOR enter the TARDIS and AMY follows. RORY walks back and finds the gravestone bearing his name. RORY: Amy! Come see this. AMY: What? (steps out of the TARDIS) RORY: There's a gravestone here for someone with the same name as me. AMY: What? The Angel standing behind RORY touches him and he disappears. AMY: Doctor! The DOCTOR and RIVER come rushing out of the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Ah! RIVER: Where the hell did that come from? DOCTOR: (scans with sonic) It's a survivor. Very weak, but keep your eyes on it. AMY: Where's Rory? The DOCTOR walks slowly forward and notices the Angel is pointing. He looks at the gravestone and sees RORY'S name as well as "Aged 82". DOCTOR: I'm sorry, Amelia. I'm so, so sorry. AMY: No. No, we can just go and get him in the TARDIS. One more paradox. DOCTOR: Would rip New York apart and I -- AMY: No, that's not true. I don't believe you. RIVER: (tearful) Mother, it's true. With shuddering breaths, AMY walks towards the Angel. DOCTOR: Amy? What are you doing? AMY: That gravestone, Rory's, there's room for one more name, isn't there? DOCTOR: What are you talking about? (heads for the TARDIS and reaches for AMY'S hand as he passes) Back away from the Angel. Come back to the TARDIS! We'll figure something out! AMY: The Angel, would it send me back to the same time, to him? DOCTOR: I don't know. Nobody knows. AMY: (takes a step closer) But it's my best shot, yeah? DOCTOR: (raises his hands in a vain attempt to stop her) No! RIVER: Doctor, shut up! Yes, yes, it is! DOCTOR: Amy -- AMY: Well, then, I just have to blink, right? DOCTOR: No! AMY: It'll be fine. I know it will. I'll -- I'll be with him, like I should be. Me and Rory, together. Melody. (holds her hand out behind her) DOCTOR: (turns toward RIVER) Stop it! Just -- just stop it! RIVER takes AMY'S hand. AMY: (crying) You look after him. And you be a good girl and you look after him. RIVER kisses AMY'S palm. DOCTOR: You are creating a fixed time. I will never be able to see you again. AMY: I'll be fine. I'll be with him. DOCTOR: (crying) Amy, please. Just -- Come back into the TARDIS. Come on, Pond, please. AMY: (sobs) Raggedy man, (turns to the DOCTOR) goodbye. (disappears) The DOCTOR breaks down and cries. The gravestone now has new writing on it. "And his Loving Wife Amelia Williams, Aged 87". DOCTOR: No! The DOCTOR bends over in anguish before standing, sobbing, looking at the place where AMY last stood. RIVER goes to him and puts a comforting arm around him. INT. TARDIS RIVER is at the controls as the DOCTOR sits on ascending stairs, grieving. DOCTOR: River. They were your parents. Sorry. I didn't even think. RIVER: (matter-of-factly) It doesn't matter. DOCTOR: Of course it matters. RIVER: What matters is this: Doctor, don't travel alone. DOCTOR: Travel with me, then. RIVER: Whenever and wherever you want, but not all the time. One pyschopath per TARDIS, don't you think? (sets the TARDIS in motion then faces the DOCTOR) Okay, this book I've got to write, Melody Malone. I presume I send it to Amy to get it published? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. RIVER: (sighs and walks past him) I'll tell her to write an afterword. For you. Maybe you'll listen to her. RIVER leaves the control room and the DOCTOR is left alone with his grief. Until he remembers... DOCTOR: The last page. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, CENTRAL PARK, DAY The DOCTOR runs across Bow Bridge to the area where they had picnicked earlier. He grabs the last page out of the basket and reads it. AMY: (V.O.) Afterword, by Amelia Williams. Hello, old friend. The DOCTOR sits on one of the park benches lining The Mall. AMY: (V.O.) And here we are, you and me, on the last page. By the time you read these words, Rory and I will be long gone. So know that we lived well and were very happy. (puts on AMY'S glasses) And, above all else, know that we will love you always. Sometimes I do worry about you, though. I think, once we're gone, you won't be coming back here for a while and you might be alone, which you should never be. Don't be alone, Doctor. And do one more thing for me. There's a little girl waiting in a garden. (gives a small smile) She's going to wait a long while, so she's going to need a lot of hope. EXT. AMELIA'S HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, NIGHT Wearing a warm coat and hat, AMELIA runs to where the TARDIS disappeared, puts her suitcase on the ground, sits on it and waits. AMY: (V.O.) Go to her. Tell her a story. Tell her that, if she's patient, the days are coming that she'll never forget. Tell her she'll go to sea and fight pirates. She'll fall in love with a man who'll wait 2,000 years to keep her safe. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR runs around the console to work the controls. AMY: (V.O.) Tell her she'll give hope to the greatest painter who ever lived and save a whale in outer space. EXT. AMELIA'S HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, DAY AMELIA is still sitting on her suitcase, resting her head on her hand. AMY: (V.O.) Tell her this is the story of Amelia Pond -- and this is how it ends. AMELIA looks up into the air when she hears the TARDIS engines. [b] P.S.[/b] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. POND-WILLIAMS HOUSE, FRONT HALL, SUNSET BRIAN is watering the plants. He stops and looks around, taking the emptiness of the house, the absence of AMY and RORY. The doorbell rings. BRIAN opens the door. A man in his mid-60s - ANTHONY - is standing on the doorstep. He is wearing an old-fashioned suit. ANTHONY: (New York accent) Mr. Brian Williams? BRIAN: Yes. How did you know I was here? This isn't my house. ANTHONY: (holds out a letter) This is for you. BRIAN: I don't understand. The envelope says "Dad". ANTHONY: You should read it. I'll wait. (walks in past a bemused BRIAN) INT. POND-WILLIAMS HOUSE, LOUNGE, SUNSET BRIAN sits on the sofa and reads the letter. RORY: (V.O.) Dear Dad. This is the difficult bit. If I've got this right, you're reading this letter a week after we left in the TARDIS. The thing is, we're not coming back. We're alive and well and stuck in New York 50 years before I was born. We can't come home again. I won't ever see you again and it breaks my heart. I'm so sorry, Dad. I thought about this for years, and I realized there was one thing I could do: I could write to you. Tell you everything about how we lived, how, despite it all, we were happy. But before I do, I need you to know, you are the best dad any son could have had, and for all the times I drove you mad and you drove me mad, and all the times I snapped at you, I'm sorry. I miss everything about you, especially our awkward hugs. I bought a trowel. We have a small yard. I garden. But one more important bit of business: the man who delivered the letter, Anthony, be nice to him 'cause he's your grandson. INT. POND-WILLIAMS HOUSE, FRONT HALL, SUNSET BRIAN walks out into the hall and approaches ANTHONY. RORY: (V.O.) We finally adopted in 1946. Anthony Brian Williams. He can tell you everything. He'll have the family albums and I realize having a grandson who is older than you is way beyond weird, but I'm sorry. I love you, Dad. I miss you. BRIAN stands in front of ANTHONY who holds out his hand. ANTHONY: How d'you do, sir? BRIAN, stunned, hugs him. MELODY MALONE [SCENE_BREAK] The Dying Detective The Angels Take Manhattan Missing in New York Taking the Case Night in the Statue Park The Gargoyle The Skinny Guy Julius Grayle Calling the Doctor The Roman in the Cellar Death at Winter Quay Amelia's Last Farewell
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who takes Amy and Rory to Central Park? A: Melody Malone; Q: What is the name of the novel that the Doctor is reading to Amy? A: a Weeping Angel; Q: Who takes Rory to 1938 New York City? A: coffee; Q: What was Rory getting when he was taken by a Weeping Angel? A: River Song; Q: Who is the author of the novel that Rory meets in 1938? A: their way; Q: What do the Doctor and Amy use the novel to break into 1938 and find Rory? A: Manhattan; Q: Where do the Doctor and River investigate the Angels' takeover of? A: an aged Rory; Q: Who is on his deathbed at the Winter Quay hotel? A: The Angels; Q: Who created the Winter Quay hotel? A: their victims; Q: Who did the Angels create the hotel to keep? A: potential energy; Q: What did the Angels want to maintain a constant source of? A: his fate; Q: What do Rory and Amy jump off the top of the building to escape? A: their deaths; Q: What happens to Rory and Amy when they jump off the top of the building? A: a paradox; Q: What does Rory and Amy create when they jump off the top of the Winter Quay hotel? A: a graveyard; Q: Where does Rory wake up after his death? A: a surviving Angel; Q: Who transported Rory to the TARDIS? A: a tearful farewell; Q: What does Amy say to the Doctor when she is sent back to Rory? A: an afterword; Q: What does Amy write in the novel? A: young Amelia Pond; Q: Who does Amy ask the Doctor to visit? Summary: The Doctor takes Amy and Rory to Central Park. While the Doctor is reading Amy a novel about Melody Malone, Rory is taken by a Weeping Angel on his way back from getting coffee. In 1938 New York City, Rory meets River Song, the author of the novel. The Doctor and Amy use the novel to break their way into 1938 and find Rory, while he and River investigate the Angels' takeover of Manhattan. At the Winter Quay hotel, they find an aged Rory on his deathbed. The Angels created the hotel in order to keep their victims and maintain a constant source of potential energy. To escape his fate, Rory and Amy jump off the top of the building to their deaths, creating a paradox. Waking up in a graveyard with the TARDIS, Rory is transported by a surviving Angel. As the Doctor begs Amy to come back into the TARDIS, she bids him a tearful farewell and allows the Angel to send her back to Rory. Later, the devastated Doctor reads an afterword by Amy in the novel, telling him all is well, as well as requesting he visit young Amelia Pond as she waits for him.
Black Screen, then: BA(H)AMAS Cut to daytime establishing shot of a tropical beach. Cut to Sydney and Marshall walking into a bank. Sydney is dressed in a knee length geometric print dress w/ expensive looking glasses. She reeks of money. Marshall is wearing a smarmy thin fake mustache, his hair slicked back, light tan suit with a black shirt, smacking gum, and carrying a briefcase. A bank manager comes out to meet them. A glance at Sydney shows she's also smacking on some gum. The bank manager puts out his hand and Sydney shakes it. Bank Manager: Mrs. DeMarco, it's a pleasure. I'm the bank manager; we spoke on the phone. Sydney (in nasal voice with heavy Noo Yawk accent (think Marissa Tomei from "My Cousin Vinny"): Yeah... My jet got bouncy outta Newark... Not to be a pain in the shaker, but can we cut to this, aight? Bank Manager: By all means. They start walking. Sydney offhandedly introduces, Sydney (pointing to Marshall with her sunglasses): This is Leon... The bank manager turns and shakes Marshall's hand as he says, Marshall (also in New York accent): Hey, how ya doin'? Leon Frost... CPA, MBA, Phd...That's a nice suit. Bank Manager: Thank you. Sydney: So...can we do business? They walk by a desk where a very disgruntled Vaughn is talking with his voice raised to the bank worker helping him. Vaughn (in an Australian/British accent): Yes, I'm sure this is the right bank. Please check it again: Roger Fonseca. You've never heard of the Fonseca vineyards!? Bank Associate: No. Vaughn: Please, check it again. F O N S E C A...like it says on the passport. Cut back to Syd, Marshall and the bank manager as they enter his office. Sydney: You guarantee...my name can't be traced to my account number? Not that I've got anything to hide or anything... Bank Manager: The names of all the account holders are stored exclusively in my personal safe (pats safe), right here. It's only my hand...protected biometrically. Sydney primps at her eyebrows. Sydney: If it's good enough for three ex-presidents, I guess it's good enough for a plumber's wife... Both "Leon" and the bank manager laugh at Sydney's joke. Bank Manager: Now, the minimum deposit that I mentioned... Sydney: Leon... (smacks him on the arm impatiently) Marshall: Guess that would be my department... Marshall opens the briefcase to flash at the bank manager. It's full of money. Marshall (under breath): In here... Bank Manager: Excellent. All right. Your full name. Sydney: Claudia Maria Viasquez DeMarco. Bank Manager: That's a lovely name. Sydney: Oh, charmed, I'm sure... Cut to the main lobby and Vaughn at the desk. Vaughn: This is ridiculous. I'm going to start getting upset if you don't find my account information now! Your manager will not be happy to lose my business... Dixon walks in, dressed in long dreadlocks, sunglasses, shell necklace, etc. He walks right up to the desk where Vaughn is sitting and completely interrupts. Dixon (in Jamaican accent): Excuse me please, miss...Tell me where I can go to cash this check... Vaughn (to Dixon, annoyed): I'm doing business here, Braidy. Go bother someone else. Dixon: Is me you're talkin' to like that, mon? Vaughn: Yes, 'mon'... it is! And I'm not in a good mood, so just walk away! Dixon (laughs and puts a friendly hand on Vaughn's shoulder): Oh my...you need more peace in your life, brother... Vaughn (standing up now, confrontational): Maybe you need a hearing aid...and I'm not your brother, so shove off! (shoves Dixon in the chest) Dixon shoves Vaughn back and Vaughn punches him. The woman at the desk stands up, phone in hand. Bank Associate: Okay, break it up! Guard! Cut back to Syd, Marshall and the bank manager. Bank Manager (showing Sydney an index card): This is your account number, and this is your name...in code, of course. Phone rings. Bank manager answers. Sydney takes her account card and dances it between her fingers as if tickled about having it. Bank Manager: Yes. (hangs up phone, then to Sydney) Excuse me... I'll be right back in one minute. Marshall: We'll hold down the fort...anyone tries to steal anything from ya... (bank manager pats Marshall on the back on the way by, enjoying his joke) Sydney(admonishing him): Leon... Marshall: Oh, sorry. They both wait until the bank manager closes the door and then they spring into action. Sydney crosses the room to the safe. Marshall lifts a false bottom on the briefcase to reveal a scanner. Sydney peels a piece of latex from her palm and places it on the safe's hand scanner. Marshall: Scanning to get a base reference. (scanning Sydney's account code) Cut to the main lobby, where Vaughn and Dixon are wrestling. A guard is trying to break them up. The bank manager sees the scuffle and comes running. Bank Manager: Break it up! Break it up! Break it up! He tries to pull Vaughn off of Dixon and gets shoved aside. Cut to Sydney as the biometric scanner recognizes the bank manager's palm print. The safe pops open. Sydney pulls a metal file box out of the safe and starts searching through it. Sydney: What's the account number? Marshall: 1420543020202020222069685. Cut to the lobby as the guard and the bank manager muscle Vaughn and Dixon outside. Cut back to Syd and Marshall as Syd hands Marshall the appropriate card. He scans it while Syd checks her watch. Cut to the lobby as Vaughn and Dixon are removed. The bank manager stops apologizes to other patrons. Cut back to Sydney and Marshall as they rush to put the card back. Sydney puts the box back into the safe and closes it. Sydney is still bent over the safe as the bank manager comes back into the office. Sydney slowly rises to a stand. Bank Manager: What were you doin'? Sydney (still in character): Breakin' inta your safe? She picks up her sunglasses from a wall ledge behind the safe. The bank manager looks between her and Marshall for a moment, but then starts to laugh. Bank Manager: Ya almost fooled me. Sydney smiles and puts her sunglasses back on, then starts to giggle. Then she full out laughs and points at the bank manager as if it were a practical joke and she caught him. CUT TO BLACK LOS (A)NGELES Establishing night shot of LA skyline. A doorbell rings. Cut to Sydney's door from the outside. Sydney opens the door. Sydney: Thanks for coming. Come on in. The pizza delivery guys follows her into her apartment. She's having a party. Sydney: Right here, please. (indicating kitchen counter) The delivery man puts three boxes on the counter and leaves. Dixon and Marshall are on either side of the counter, digging into the top box. Marshall: Hungry... (piles three slices of pizza on his plate and then looks up guiltily at Dixon) I'm...starving... What? You're taking three... Dixon: These are for my kids. Marshall: Well, these are for Mitchell... Dixon: Your son is 14 months old... Marshall: Is that...too young to have pizza? Sydney comes over, smiling with amusement at Marshall and taking a slice of pizza from the box. Sydney: Marshall... Marshall: Hey...thanks for inviting us... Sydney nods and giggles. Cut across the room to where Weiss and Nadia are talking animatedly. Sydney walks up to stand next to Vaughn. Sydney: So...I think something's going on between my sister and the birthday boy. Vaughn: Yeah, I've been watching that...I can tell you, that is not a great thing. Sydney: Why not? Vaughn: Because the same thing happens every time: He gets way too eager, the girl breaks his heart, and I have to clean it up. Sydney (playfully scolding): Don't be a cynic. Sydney holds up a slice of pizza and Vaughn takes a bite from it. Vaughn: Pizza and vegetables? Sydney (smiling at his teasing, shrugs): I know. Cut to Nadia and Weiss. Weiss: The hard thing to do... Nadia: We should go sometime. Weiss: No woman ever wants to go to the Magic Castle... Nadia: Oh, I like magic...and I like your smile, too. Weiss blushes and points to his own face. Weiss: This one right here? This smile? Nadia (giggling): Yeah. Weiss (laughing): How red is my face right now? Nadia (laughing): Very red... Sydney and Vaughn approach them, Sydney sidling up to Nadia, Vaughn sidling up to Weiss. Sydney: Hey, guys. Nadia: Hey! Sydney: How's it going? Nadia: Very well. Vaughn (aside to Weiss): Easy, tiger... Weiss: Oh no...I'm on fire, my friend. She loves magic... Sydney (to Nadia): You think people are having fun? Nadia: Yeah. A friend of Weiss comes up and play strangles him from behind. Weiss: Whoa! (saving his drink from spilling) Friend: You're so old! Weiss: Dude, you're so bald! What's up? I'm so glad you're here. These are friends of mine. This is Sydney... Friend: Hey, how you doing? Weiss: Nadia... Friend: How you doing? Weiss: And, uh...(trailing off as if he can't remember) Vaughn: Michael? Weiss: Right! Vaughn and Friend shake hands. Weiss: I used to work with these guys until they went private sector on me. Friend: What do you do now? Sydney: I work in a bank. In the loan department. Vaughn looks over at the door and spies Jack coming in. Vaughn motions over to the door with his head and says to Sydney, Vaughn: Looks like the party just got started. As he walks by the counter, Marshall says to him, Marshall: Hey, Mr. Bristow! Jack nods in his direction. Marshall: You want some pizza...or a cocktail? Jack doesn't answer. He's looking straight at Sydney, who excuses herself from the group and walks over to him. Sydney: Dad... Jack: It must have been lost in the mail. Sydney (in surprise): Your invitation? Jack: Unless it was an e-vite. I don't read...e-vites. Sydney looks aside a little, recognizing Jack's joke. Jack smiles just a ghost of a smile in return. Cut to Syd and Jack outside on the patio talking. Jack: Your mission in the Bahamas last week paid off. We know who has the Valta. Sydney: That's what you came here to tell me? There's a briefing in the morning. Jack: I've learned...that you've invited your sister to live here. Sydney: I'm letting her stay here, yes. Jack: Are you aware that Sloane has Langley's approval to make her a permanent member of our team at APO? Sydney: If you're wondering if I've told Nadia that you killed our mother...No, I haven't...but I plan to. Jack: Out of spite? Sydney: Out of respect. Jack: Sydney...consider the ramifications... Sydney: She's my sister. I need to tell her the truth. Jack: This isn't about what you need, Sydney... Sydney: No, apparently it's about what you need... Jack: You don't know how Nadia may react to that information... Sydney: Which would be especially true if she finds out from another source. Jack: I needn't remind you that your sister has sworn to kill the man responsible for your mother's death. At that moment, Nadia slides open the glass door to the patio. Nadia: Hey, (to Jack) Hi. Syd, where are the candles? These guys wanna do the cake? Sydney: I'll be right there. Nadia: Okay. Nadia walks away. Sydney: Trust me, Dad...I don't look forward to telling Nadia what you did...or why you did it... but she will learn the truth somehow, and I would rather it be from me. Sydney leaves Jack to his thoughts on the patio. CUT TO BLACK Alias Theme. (Or, now is the time in Alias when we dance!) Establishing shot of daytime LA. Cut to Sloane, giving the briefing at APO. Sloane: Ten days ago, the Valta computer was stolen in broad daylight as it was being transferred to NSA headquarters. Now, the Valta represents cutting-edge technology; will revolutionize information gathering from satellite networks. If it falls in the wrong hands... Marshall: It would be like, monster bad... Sloane: Simply put, we cannot let the Valta be delivered. Sydney: Delivered to whom? Sloane: A new terrorist network out of Germany...the Baden Liga. The theft was financed by transferring 3 million Euros into an untraceable account in the Bahamas. Your work has given us the name on that account. Martin Bishop. Intel indicates that Bishop is still waiting to receive final payment before he delivers the Valta. Sydney: Then we need to get to Bishop right away. Dixon: What do we know about him? Sloane: He's a British ex-pat living in Spain. He has a reputation as a lady-killer...literally. His wife disappeared three years ago. Rumor has it that he killed her in order to spend more time with his mistress. Sydney: Charming. Sloane: Professionally, Bishop specialized in acquiring high-risk, high-reward military targets. The Valta...must be recovered...or destroyed. I want you to find it. That will be all. (pause as meeting breaks) Sydney... Sydney watches as the others leave the conference room. Sloane: Thank you. Sydney: For what. Sloane: For letting my daughter stay with you. As Nadia acclimates to this life, to a new family...she needs support...and you have put my mind at ease. Sydney: The thought that I did something that might have given you a warm and fuzzy feeling makes me want to kick my own sister out of my house. Sloane: Yeah. Well, Nadia won't be assisting you on the Bishop case. Now that she's joining our team, your father has offerred to run her through her psych evaluation. Sydney (unsettled by this news): Really... Cut to Sydney and Jack walking down an APO hallway. Jack: The Yaga-Hoshi review can predict how an individual will react to highly stressful situations and the discovery of delicate intel. Sydney: Delicate intel... Jack: Sydney, I'm resigned to the fact that you're going to tell Nadia what happened, but when are you going to tell her that?Now? Two hours before you leave for an operation? Sydney: Not until I get back. Jack: Understood. And I agree...it's for the best. Sydney (looking highly suspicious): What are you up to, Dad... Jack (he instead looks over Sydney's shoulder and looks in the conference room): They're waiting for you, Sydney. Sydney reluctantly walks away. The camera pans back so that we see Jack standing alone in the hallway. Cut to Nadia standing at the other end of the hallway, watching him. Sloane walks up behind her. Sloane: Nadia... Nadia: Is he always so cold? Sloane: Jack? (he smiles) I'm afraid so. So, I was wondering...are you free tonight? There's this restaurant on Melrose that serves Argentinian food... We can go anyplace you like. Nadia: I'd like that. Sloane: Good. (Jack catches his eye and nods.) I'll see you when you're through. Nadia: Okay. Nadia turns and walks down the hallway toward Jack. As she walks by the conference room we hear, Vaughn: Great. I'll check that out with the NSA... Cut to Vaughn, Marshall, Dixon and Sydney talking about the mission. Vaughn: Intel indicates Bishop owns a dozen industrial properties in Spain. Any one of them could be a safe hiding place for the Valta. Bishop also recently purchased an MK-1200 from Shayleen Tech. Marshall: Well, you don't buy a server like that to look at online p0rn... Vaughn: No, you buy it to coordinate international business operations; at least, that's what it's made for. Sydney: Logistics, essentially. So, let's assume the location of the Valta is on that server... Marshall: ...and the server's on his estate. Dixon: An hour out of Malaga...a couple of hundred acres. Marshall: And you can't hack into an MK-1200 from the outside, FYI. Vaughn: Okay, so what if you're on the inside? Dixon: Multiple electric fences, cameras on high sweep, armed guards, comm jammers... Marshall: Well, if you can get past all that, I've got this really cool laser lock pick that'll help you hack into the server. It's housed in this watch that's awesomely designed...by me...Marshall J. Flinkman...except I'm still working on that overheating problem... Sydney: So, we need to get into that house, get into the server, and that will tell us where he's hiding the Valta. Vaughn: How do you break into the house of a master thief? Sydney: I don't think you do. I think you have to be invited... CUT TO BLACK MARTIN (cell, in German): The delivery will be on time. MARTIN (cell, in German): When was the last time I let you down? MARTIN (cell, in German): Call me when you arrive. The mercedes drives past a grove of trees where Marshall, Dixon, etc. are hiding in a van. MARSHALL: Okay, they're approaching. DIXON: I've locked onto the cell phone frequencies. VAUGHN: All set. Martin sees the car crash, and tells his driver... MARTIN: Pull over. The picture feed to the van is upside down. VAUGHN: Marshall, can you flip that? MARSHALL: Sorry. DIXON: Okay, cell phones are jammed. VAUGHN: Hey, it's not igniting. MARSHALL: What? Hang on a sec. Sometimes you just need a little magic touch... and... fire. SYDNEY: Help! Help! Can't get my seat-belt off! MARTIN: Are you all right? SYDNEY: I don't know! My seat-belt's stuck. Please hurry. Please, my seat-belt's right here. Please. MARTIN (to driver): Call for help! SYDNEY: Mah seat-belt! Please, sir, please! Hurry, please, please. MARTIN: It's stuck! VAUGHN: Trigger the belt. MARSHALL: What, you don't want to milk this a little bit? DIXON: Marshall, do it. MARSHALL: Allright. Don't have to get so snappy. Martin gets Sydney out of the car. MARSHALL: And now for the big finish. Rock 'n Roll Cleveland! DRIVER: Sir, are you okay? MARTIN: Fine. (to Syd) What about you? SYDNEY: Yeah. DRIVER: Sir, I can't get a signal. I don't know what's wrong. SYDNEY: Please don't call anybody. Please. MARTIN: You just rolled your car. You must have been going at 200 kilometers an hour. SYDNEY: Sometimes you need to drive fast. MARTIN: So why are you in such a rush? SYDNEY: Long story. MARSHALL: This guy scares me. You know, he killed his wife. He's a wife-killer. Beat her to death, stuffed her in a dumpster, who knows what else. VAUGHN: Marshall, shut up. MARTIN: Where are you headed? SYDNEY: You just saved my life. MARTIN: Perhaps I did. I'm quite something, aren't I? SYDNEY: To me you are. MARTIN: You know, a doctor should really look at... SYDNEY: No... I'm fine, I just need a place to rest. I haven't slept much the past few days. I'm fine. MARTIN: I live near here. I'm taking you back to my house. SYDNEY: Okay. DIXON: Outrigger to base. Phoenix is in. She's on her own. VAUGHN: Shotgun to base. Hold your position. We're still on schedule. Outrigger's patching us into the grid, we'll have a laser-mic operational in 5 minutes. SLOANE: Affirmative, shotgun. We're standing by for your information. VAUGHN: Roger that. VAUGHN: Are you sure we can't use standard phones? MARSHALL: Bishop is using at least four high-impedence jammers. To bore a hole through that kind of noise, Sydney would have to wear a generator the size of a baby hippopotamus. There's certainly no way to sneak around somebody's house with a baby hippopotamus strapped to your... back. Vaughn gets up and leaves the van. MARSHALL: Good luck! Martin Bishop spies on Sydney while she's taking a shower, then goes through her purse. Syd comes out of the shower in a robe. SYDNEY: That's a nice shower. MARTIN: Yeah. Good. I'm glad you like it. How are you feeling? SYDNEY: Fine. Grateful. MARTIN: No more thanks. You have a good excuse to get to know my house. I haven't been in this room for about three years. SYDNEY: Three years? MARTIN: Not since my wife left me. SYDNEY: I'm sorry to hear about it. MARTIN: It's in the past. His cell phone rings. MARTIN: Yeah? MARTIN (German): I told you there could be a delay. MARTIN (German): All's well. Have faith. I'll see you tomorrow. MARTIN: Your shoulder. SYDNEY: It's nothing. MARTIN: All this didn't come from the accident. SYDNEY: It's fine. MARTIN: Who are you running from? SYDNEY: Your wife left you. I left someone. Only he didn't want me to go. MARTIN: Who is he? I can have someone talk to him. SYDNEY: I'm all right. Now I'm all right. Just have to remember not to wear something strapless. MARTIN: I have some business in town. Stay here Charlene. Rest. When I get back, we'll have dinner. SYDNEY: My car's totalled. I'm not going anywhere. Thank you, Martin. MARTIN: Oh, stay in side. Don't run on the grounds. There's security. SYDNEY: I'll stay put. You might need to wake me when you get back. MARTIN: I look forward to it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack doing a psych evaluation... JACK: You've been sent to Paris to extract a deep-cover operative. You've successfully transferred him to a safehouse on ? San-Louis, when a secure communication comes in that you've been exposed. Do you abort? NADIA: Well, that depends... JACK: What's your impulse? That's what this is about. NADIA: Is the operative one of us? JACK: Yes or no? NADIA: No. JACK: While tapping the phone line of a target in New Delhi, you're spotted by the enemy. Your partner tells you to continue with the mission objective while he neutralizes the target. Do you obey him, or fight back? NADIA: Is the phone system ? PBX matrix? JACK: Just answer the question, please. NADIA: Why is my partner a man? JACK: The s*x of your partner is irrelevant. NADIA: Oh. No I would not obey. I'd help her fight him off, then she and I could finisht the job together. [SCENE_BREAK] SLOANE: Jack. How's she doing? JACK: I don't quite know yet. SLOANE: Oh, come on, Jack, it's been two hours. You must have formed an opinion. JACK: I have, but I need to be certain. SLOANE: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] Spain Vaughn uses some weird laser mic to communicate with Sydney, who has made her way to a balcony. VAUGHN: Shotgun to Phoenix, how do you read? SYDNEY: This is so weird. It sounds like you're right next to me. You can hear me? VAUGHN: No. SYDNEY: That's good. It's like talking to my conscience. VAUGHN: It is, a little bit, isn't it? VAUGHN (comm): Merlin, what's your status? MARSHALL (comm): Give me a sec. Okay, uh... Okay, we've got a huge power drain in the basement, it's the room at the far southern end. VAUGHN (comm): Copy that. VAUGHN: Phoenix, your target is in the basement, southern-most room, looks like an office. Rendezvous at the far window on the first floor; move on my mark. I see two visible bogeys, one on the third floor, one below. Okay, you're clear. Go. A guard goes snooping around Sydney's room, but it's okay because she left the water running in the bathroom and had a marshall gadget that's playing her end of a fake cell phone conversation. The guard goes away. Syd gets to the room. Vaughn can communicate with her with the magical laser mic because there's a window. SYDNEY: We're good. VAUGHN: Good. Move fast. She uses the nifty laser key lockpick thing in her watch to access the computer. As soon as the display shows up, there's an image of a Sierpinski tetrahedron and a Sierpinski cube. Gratuitous eye candy. She tells the computer to search for "VALTA" SYDNEY: I found the VALTA. It's located at Alameda yards, id number is charlie-zero-seven-one-seven. VAUGHN: Okay, the coast is clear. Get out of there. I'll see you at the extraction point. VAUGHN (comm): Sydney's on her way. DIXON (comm): On our way for pick-up. SLOANE (phone) This is Arvin Sloane. The requested intel's been acquired. VALTA is located in container ID charlie-zero-seven-one-seven in Alameda yards. VAUGHN (comm): Wait, stand down. DIXON (comm): What? MARSHALL (comm): What, what is it? As Sydney leaves the house, Martin Bishop pulls up. SYDNEY: I saw you pull in. MARTIN: You seem out of breath. SYDNEY: Just glad you're back. MARTIN: Really? This way. VAUGHN (comm): We've got a problem. [SCENE_BREAK] Psych evaluation, continued. JACK: You're part of a three-man team. Three-woman team, if you prefer. A tactical mission. You suspect that one of your team members may be a mole. Do you tell the third? NADIA: No. JACK: You return from an operation overseas. While the operation was successful, certain information may reflect negatively on one of your team members. Do you include said information in your op report? NADIA: No. Mr. Bristow... JACK: Yes? NADIA: I don't mean to seem impatient, but.. I've never done anything that's lasted as long as this. JACK: How sad for you. Jack's phone rings. JACK (phone): Jack Bristow. JACK: Wer're through. [SCENE_BREAK] SLOANE: I gave Langley the location of the VALTA. JACK: Are they asking ? SLOANE: They have a team standing by in Malaga. They're about to raid one of Bishop's yards. JACK: What about Sydney? SLOANE: She's still in the house with Bishop. JACK: Is her cover blown? SLOANE: I don't know. JACK: Can we extract her? SLOANE: Not yet. Langley considers the raid top priority. We have the authority to seize Bishop only after the VALTA is seized or destroyed. I'm sorry, Jack, but I just thought that you should know. JACK: Then I'm going to Spain myself, and I'd like to take Nadia with me. SLOANE: About that, have you learned anything helpful? JACK: Enough. Enough to deal with the problem at hand. [SCENE_BREAK] MARTIN: It occurred to me that this night represents things I've been considering for some time. SYDNEY: How's that? MARTIN: The choices I make, the people with whom I choose to keep company. Work versus everything else. VAUGHN (mic): If you can hear me, tuck your hair behind your ear. She does. SYDNEY: Sounds like a mid-existential crisis. MARTIN: (laughing) Yes, that's it. VAUGHN: Langley's ordered a raid on the Alameda yard. You have got to get out of there. SYDNEY: It's easy to doubt yourself, but sometimes you need to stick with it and stay the course. VAUGHN: Damnit, no! You've got to get out of there. When Bishop hears about the raid, he'll suspect you. MARTIN: But I think in my case, it might be time to make a mid-course correction. The fact is, I don't believe in coincidences. SYDNEY: Meaning what? You and I were destined to meet? MARTIN: Possibly, but I'm more interested to know why we met. SYDNEY: I told you. I was involved with the wrong man. MARTIN: I don't believe that. [SCENE_BREAK] At Alameda yards WEISS: Let's go! Move! Move! WEISS: ? in position. WEISS: Fan out. They open the container and throw in a grenade. Someone starts shooting at them. The grenade explodes. Shooting continues. [SCENE_BREAK] House MARSHALL: I don't get it. Why doesn't she just kick his ass, and then run? DIXON: She doesn't want to blow her cover. She wants to get out clean in case the raid goes south. SLOANE (comm): Shotgun, team is down. Weiss was team leader. We believe he's been captured. VAUGHN: (mic): Take that son of a b**** out! The CIA team's under attack. They've got Weiss. MARTIN: You're trembling. SYDNEY: I want to be honest, but everything has happened so fast. I promised myself I wouldn't see someone again. I really need more details. MARTIN: About me? VAUGHN: We don't have more details. Weiss took out the VALTA with a grenade and then went radio-silent. You've got to move, now! MARTIN: I have nothing to hide. His cell phone rings. MARTIN: Excuse me. MARTIN: Yeah? VOICE: Sir, we just had an incident at Alameda yards. MARTIN: How bad? VOICE: The VALTA was destroyed. It was CIA. I double checked our signals traffic. Somebody was on your server, in your house, an hour ago. MARTIN: Interesting. Thank you, Peter. SYDNEY: You alright? SYDNEY: Your expression, reminds me of my uncle. VAUGHN (comm): Shotgun to Outrigger. Phoenix just gave the callsign. I'm going in. Request backup. DIXON (comm): I'm on my way. They go in. VAUGHN: Outrigger, anything? DIXON: Negative. VAUGHN: Where is she? DIXON: Where's anyone? [SCENE_BREAK] In the van VAUGHN: The escape tunnel only gave them an out. They have to be somewhere. MARSHALL: While you're getting very impatient, I'm doing the best I can. VAUGHN: You've been doing it for an hour. MARSHALL: Well, to trace a guy on a cellular network using the frequency of his phone is like trying to find a needle in a county full of haystacks. VAUGHN: You have to find them. MARSHALL: Yeah, I know what I'm supposed to be doing, alright? Shut up. MARSHALL: Sorry about that. VAUGHN: No, that was good. MARSHALL: Hey, we got a hit. The cell phone signal's weak. VAUGHN: Can you locate them? MARSHALL: Yeah. I'm trying. [SCENE_BREAK] On a cargo plane, Jack and Nadia JACK: They were tracking Bishop. We'll coordinate with Vaughn on the ground. NADIA: I know it must be hard for you, having me at APO. JACK: Not at all. NADIA: I can't defend the choices my mother made. JACK: Nadia, I would never blame you for your mother's infidelity. But there is something I need to share with you. I only do this because of your test results. NADIA: Did I fail horribly? JACK: Hardly. Not surprisingly, your ability to adapt to sudden changes in protocol, to handle adverse situations, is exceptional. The results were very much like your sister's. JACK: Sydney doesn't know this yet, the results of an ongoing investigation. Ironically, this intel came in to me just this morning. [SCENE_BREAK] SLOANE (phone): This is Sloane. VAUGHN: It's Vaughn. We've got Jack and Nadia. We're tracking Bishop, and we're en route. [SCENE_BREAK] MARTIN: Let me explain something to you. I have been paid hansomely, paid by the Baten Leiger to deliver the VALTA computer, which you decided to destroy with the toss of a hand grenade. As you can imagine, they won't be very happy. When they get here, which they will shortly, the will kill me unless I can provide them with information of equal or greater value. MARTIN: You're both CIA, so you've obviously infiltrated my friend's network. I want to know how. So, what's your real name, Charlene? SYDNEY: I'm a... MARTIN: Ima what? SYDNEY: I'm a going to kick your ass. He slaps her. WEISS: Son of a b****! He shoots just past her. MARTIN: The next one will go between your eyes. He gets a phone call. GUARD (cell): Yeah? GUARD: The Baden Leiger. MARTIN: If they move, shoot them in the kneecaps. Sydney's cutting through the rope with her laser watch. WEISS: Argh! My heart! The guard approaches, and Weiss kicks the guard. Sydney has gotten free, and beats the guard up. WEISS: What the hell is going on? You said you weren't Agency anymore. SYDNEY: I'll tell you later. Thanks for the distraction, by the way. WEISS: Yeah, thanks for saving my life. WEISS: Wait, this is black ops, isn't it? Is Vaughn part of this too? SYDNEY: We've got to go. WEISS: Am I right? SYDNEY: We've got to go. [SCENE_BREAK] MARTIN (cell): The machine is destroyed, but I have something of greater value-- two CIA agents. VOICE (cell): We don't want agents. We want the Valta. You're a dead man, Bishop. You're dead. He hangs up. Sydney and Vaughn start shooting at him. WEISS: Go for Bishop! Weiss runs into Vaughn. WEISS: Dude, I knew it! Meanwhile, Sydney is hanging onto the roof of an old mercedes as Martin is trying to make his getaway. She shoots Martin's shoulder from above. He crashes the car, and she's thrown off the roof. He gets out. MARTIN: I liked you much better as Charlene. Nadia shoots him to death, emptying the magazine. SYDNEY: Is that how you normally deal with bad guys? NADIA: He was the one. He killed our mother. [SCENE_BREAK] SYDNEY: Dad, why does Nadia think that Bishop killed our mother? JACK: I adjusted some details in Bishop's file. SYDNEY: You set her up. JACK: I'd hardly call Martin Bishop an ally. I solved two problems with one answer. (Geez, who is writing these scripts? Can you get more awkward-sounding language than that?) SYDNEY: You manipulated Nadia. JACK: I gave your sister closure. SYDNEY: But not the truth. JACK: Sometimes the satisfying lie, Sydney, can do more good than the awful truth. Sydney walks back to the group, which now includes Weiss. Jack's usual gloomy face looks on.
Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Who seduces an arms dealer? A: an arms dealer; Q: Who does Sydney seduce in order to locate a stolen National Security Agency code-breaking device? A: Team members; Q: Who rescues Sydney and Jack? A: Jack; Q: Who manipulates Nadia into killing someone? A: the truth; Q: What do Sydney and Jack argue about telling Nadia about her mother's death? A: the person; Q: Who does Jack lead Nadia to believe killed her mother? Summary: Sydney seduces an arms dealer in order to locate a stolen National Security Agency code-breaking device. Team members rescue each other and Sydney and Jack argue about telling Nadia the truth about her mother's death. Jack manipulates Nadia into killing someone by leading her to believe that the person killed her mother.
CRU - Doblers Ashleigh : Check out the yummy boy buffet. Casey : I don't have much of an appetite. Ashleigh : Casey, we are two newly-single college girls in a room full of boys and two-for-one drinks. It will never get better than this. Casey : Please, god, don't let that be true. Ashleigh : Come on, a little flirtation might do you some good. Casey : I'm just not ready to dive back into the cru dating pool. Not to mention the water's pretty icy for ZBZS. Ashleigh : Okay. Casey : But I can be a great wing woman. The goose to your Maverick. Ashleigh : Well, lock and load. We got two bogeys at 12:00. Casey : What are you doing? Ashleigh : I am waving at cute boys. Casey : There are two guys over there. One of them will have to talk to me. Ashleigh : Okay, Goose, I'm about to eject you from the cockpit. And I just got this top, so I'm gonna take it for a spin. Waitress : Hey, ladies, these are from the guys at the bar. Ashleigh : Well, thank you very much, forever 21. Casey : We can't accept these. Wing woman. Right. Waitress : Sorry. My mistake. These aren't for you. Casey : Looks like they've got the top guns. KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Roll call! All those present, say aye. All : Aye. Cappie : Great. Okay. First order of business. There appears to have been an unfortunate incident in the upstairs bathroom that involved corn. We're gonna need a pledge to clean that up. Spitter, hey, thanks for volunteering. Rusty : I didn't volunteer. I'm just the only one here. Cappie : Wherefore art thou pledges? Tell me you've come bearing gifts. Ben Bennett : Sorry, cap. No gifts. However, we did bring flowers. From the omega chi front yard! Cappie : Well, impressive feat, pledges. Wade, I think they're ready. Wade : Time to take it to the next level. Rusty : Initiation? Cappie : Hey, slow down there, spitter. You're talkin'at the speed of crazy. Wade : We meant your pledge project. Cappie : The hot tub, the back porch, even vesuvius. These were all built by prior pledge classes. This is your chance to write your own chapter in the Kappa Tau history book. Preferably one with lots of pictures for those of us who don't care to read too much text. Can you handle this? Pledges : Yeah... Cappie : I said... Can youhandle this? Pledges : Yeah! Cappie : There ya go! Ben Bennett : Hands in! Pledges : Kappa... Tau! Rusty : Yes! Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Casey : So please remember that showers longer than three minutes are strictly prohibited, as Lizzie has so thoughtfully reminded us. Lizzi : Water's the earth's most precious gift. Casey : And finally, Lizzie also reminded me that this week is national ZBZ big sister, little sister week. Apparently, someone forgot to put it on the calendar. Ashleigh : This week is gonna be so... Tense. Lizzi : Girls, few relationships are more precious than the one between a big and her little. It's like a delicate, fragrant orchid. And this week, ZBZS across our great Nation will be pruning their orchids so they'll blossom forever. Casey : So tomorrow, we'll be volunteering in pairs at the animal shelter. Thursday is our double date dash at dobler's, and friday will end the week with a celebratory tea. Meeting adjourned. Rebecca : We're not actually going to be participating in this crap, are we? I keep my orchid pruned. Casey : The events are mandatory. Rebecca, listen, I know we started our relationship off on the wrong foot. Mostly because you started out in the wrong bed. Rebecca : You really need to get over that. Casey : May I finish? But you did help out with the prohibition party last week. Plus, with Evan and Frannie out of the picture, hating you seems less necessary. And since we have to spend this week together, I was thinking we might try and be. Rebecca : Friends? Casey : I was going for non-enemies. See you at the shelter tomorrow. KT HOUSE - Graden Rusty : Hey, Fellas. You need help? Cappie : No. Go show your pledge brothers how to hack. Rusty : I don't know how to hack. Ben Bennette : Nice. Dude... Cappie : All right. Gather around the porch. All right, before you embark on your pledge project voyage, me and the wadester got a little, special treat. A gift, if you will, that we think will get you pumped about your journey. Wade? In the pantheon of kt greats, one man but stands alone. I'm proud to call him my big brother. That's right. You guessed it. Here he is. Egyptian Joe! Egyptian Joe : Touching stuff, cap. Wade, if you could turn down the music a hair. I still wanna hear it, though. This song slays. So... In'99, 40 years of pledge project sweat culminated in vesuvius. A pyrotechnic marvel so sublime that it birthed this school's sweetest rager.You know... The volcano wasn't the only thing blown that night. We blew minds. Melted hearts. And in the hot, hot heat of legendary accomplishment I became. Right. So... After we made vesuvius, my pledge bros and I forged the ultimate bond. Maybe you can enjoy a bond like that too. But nobody expects you to equal vesuvius. I mean, I don't. Cappie : We expect you to top it! Yeah! KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rebecca : My answer is yes. Cappie : Was the question... Wanna get naked? Rebecca : You asked if I'd go on a date with you. I've given it some thought, and I'm ready. Let's take this public. Way public. Like, let's go outside and make out on the ZBZ lawn. Cappie : Oddly arousing, but methinks there are ulterior motives afoot. Rebecca : I want you to know that the way I feel about you has nothing to do with Casey. Who, by the way, did something really scary today. Cappie : What? Rebecca : She was... nice. To me. Cappie : Un-freaking-believable. Rebecca : Will you be serious? Cappie : What's the big deal? If you and Casey sign a peace treaty, it will be so much easier for us to have diplomatic relations. Rebecca : Maybe you're right. I'm being stupid. I know. Why don't you make nice with evan chambers? Cappie : Point taken. Rebecca : I just didn't want people to think that I was dating you to get to her. Now she's all nice and smiley. Once she finds out about us, she's gonna hate me again, restoring peace and harmony to the universe. Cappie : Wow ! You are such a romantic. Rebecca : Trust me. I'm so ready to walk out that door instead of climbing out the window. Cappie : Bu-bu-bu... well, okay, before we. Before we face the parazzi, I need to tell Casey. I owe her that. I know you wanna make her hate you, but I don't. Rebecca : You're the one who suggested we stop hiding. Cappie : Casey and I have a past. But we... We have a future. Rebecca : Fine. But this is the last time I'm doing this, Rapunzel. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : Calvin? Calvin : Hey. Two questions. One, is Rusty here, and two... You knit? Dale : Two answers. No and yes. Knitting increases hand-eye coordination and requires complex math. Calvin : Okay. Just tell him I stopped by, all right? Dale : Hey, have you given any more thought to my offer? Calvin : Your offer? Dale : To guide you back to the warm embrace of heterosexuality. Calvin : Yeah... no. Dale : I got a lot of free time on my hands. I could read up on the latest methods of conversion therapy. Just, just let me help you choose a better path. Calvin : So I chose to be gay. Dale : And I'm not judging you. I know that sin can be very seductive. Thus my three pop-up blockers. Calvin : So you think because I'm gay I wanna be straight? Dale : See, with that sense of humor, you're gonna be very popular with the ladies. Just let me fix you. Calvin : Okay, Dale. If you think you can fix me, I'll let you. Dale : All right. My room, 6:00 tomorrow. Your journey begins. Calvin : Our journey begins, my friend. Our journey. Dale : Don't worry. I can cure you of that. CRU - Street Casey : What about warren? Ashleigh : He eats like a caveman. Casey : Zach? Ashleigh : Republican. Casey : My phone's spent. Isn't there anyone you're into? Ashleigh : There is this hot foreign exchang student that winked at me today in class. Hopefully, that's not an insult in his culture. Casey : Where's he from? Ashleigh : Hotmanistan. You're way zen about the date dash. Casey : Because I'm going solo. I've got way too much on my plate running Zeta Beta. The last thing I need to worry about is finding a date. Cappie : Evening, ladies. Ashleigh : Cappie! What timing. Okay, I'll see you back at the house. Casey : Nice vest. Cappie : Yeah, makes me feel official. Actually, I was... I just finished up with my community service, and I was hoping we could chat about dating. Casey : I think I know where this is going. Listen, Cap, I totally owe you for the party last week. You were a really good... friend. Cappie : Thanks. And as friends, I just wanna let you know that... I'm dating someone. Casey : You are? S, so, who's the Lucky lady? Cappie : Rebecca. Casey : Rebecca who? Cappie : Rebecca Logan. Casey : Wow ! My little sis... That's. Fantastic. Cappie : Are you cool with this? Casey : The coolest. I. I'm like a... Polar ice Cap. I mean, Rebecca, she's just so warm and Fuzzy. Like global warming. You know, look at the time. I. I gotta run. Can't... can't miss to catch a predator. It's really good to stay informed. Cappie : Casey, are you sure you're. Casey : So excited... for you. So excited. KT HOUSE - Living room Ben Bennett : Okay, guys, pledge class project. Any ideas? Pickle : Got one. Ben Bennett : Pickle. Pickle : All right. We could wire the tri-pi showers with web cams? Ben Bennett : And end up defending ourselves to Nancy Grace? Don't think so. Rusty : I got an idea. We could make a Kappa Tau video game. We can design different characters for each brother and maybe put in a few easter eggs. Gonzo : Dude, none of us know anything about computer programming or video game design. Rusty : But... But... Brad, I could teach you. Ben Bennett : Gonzo's got a good point, spitter. The project sounds a little ambitious. Rusty : Gonzo? When did you get that nickname? Gonzo : When we watched muppets take Manhattan in the hotel. On our pledge trip to the mall of America. Rusty : You went on a pledge trip. Without me? Ben Bennett : Yeah... We tried calling you, but you dealing with some Jen K. Cris by dropping singles at a strip club with the brothers. Now, what I was thinking was what can we do, minimum amount of effort, that will produce maximum fun? Two words. Tire swing. Pledges : Yeah, man. Rusty : I, that's. I don't. I don't think that's what Cappie was talking about. Never mind. Never mind. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : Hey, Casey. Casey : I'm having a bad day. Could we just skip to the tender moment? Rusty : Forget it. Casey : Fine, fine. We'll do the whole thing. What's wrong? Rusty : My entire pledge class hates me. Casey : Okay, you know what? Have a seat on your throne, drama queen. Rusty : I'm serious. It wasn't until we started working on this pledge project that I realized they have this whole life going on without me. They pull pranks on omega chis. They went to the mall of America. Casey : Okay, so you're not mr. Popularity. You never were in high school. This should feel comfortable, like putting on an old, musty sweater. Rusty : Casey, these are my pledge brothers. Right now it's like we're a boy band... And I'm the fat one. Casey : It's pronounced"fa-tone". Rusty : If I were one of your pledges, what would you tell me to do? Casey : Well, I would encourage you to try and make a good impression... Perhaps by giving a handmade gift. People are always impressed when you take the time to personalize. Rusty : Casey, i'm in a fraternity. Casey : You wouldn't be if you were one of my pledges. Now, I'm crazy late. Listen, just make a sincere effort, and I'm sure they'll give you a second chance. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : Calvin, welcome to a very special purity pledge meeting. Calvin : Hey. Dale : You'll have to excuse sanjay. He's never seen a... Gay in the wild before. Man 1 : I have. My mom's in real estate. Calvin : So what are you guys doing here? Dale : Well, communication is key to the conversion process. This is a safe room where everyone's comfortable talking about their deepest, darkest yearnings. Calvin : So let me get this straight. Dale : You mean let us get you straight. Calvin : Funny. You guys get together every week. You talk about your feelings. And you don't have s*x with women. Sign me up. INT. ANIMALS SHELTER Casey : Hey, little sis. Ready to bond? Rebecca : Wait a sec. Have you talked to Cappie? Casey : You mean your new squeeze? I did. Though he's not quite new. More used. Jonah : Are you guys the Zeta Beta Zeta sorority? Casey : That's us! Jonah : There's so many of you. I'm Jonah, your canine care specialist. Casey : I'm Casey Cartwright, Zeta Beta President. So what do you need us to do? Feed them, play fetch? Rub their Teeny, Tiny Tummies? Jonah : These kids are getting dewormed. Casey : Oh. Jonah : Not by you though. I got something even better for you guys. Meet Philip. Just rescued yesterday. He's a total softie, but he looks like he eats babies. People don't adopt dogs that eat babies. I bet if you could get his hair to look half as good as yours, he'd be adopted by today. Rebecca : Whew. Casey : Look at us... Washing dogs. Rebecca : Hey! Casey : Sorry. Rebecca : Just admit it. The fact that I'm dating Cappie's eating you up inside. Casey : I wish you both nothing but happiness. Rebecca : Thank goodness, because i'm bringing Cappie with me to the double date dash. I didn't want it to be awkward. Casey : No! No, I, it won't be. Awkward. KT HOUSE - Garden Rusty : Cap, Joe. Cappie : Spitter, i'm so excited, I cannot wait for the big reveal. It's like extreme makeover, fraternity edition. Egyptian Joe : Let's do this. Ben Bennett : Bhrosers, our pledge class has toiled nonstop to bring you the best in backyard fun. We're proud to present to you... The swing-a-ling. Beaver : Sweet! Me first. Yeah. Egyptian Joe : I'll be in my volcano. Cappie : The swing-a-ling? Yeah, catchy name for a Crappy product. What is this, an infomercial? Start over. Do better. INT. ANIMALS SHELTER Ashleigh : Okay, okay. Well, that's the most action I've gotten in months. Casey : Remind me again why I can't just hit her. Ashleigh : Because you're over Cappie, remember? Have to float above it, and you can't let it get to you. Casey : I need a date, ASAP. She's bringing Cappie to the double date dash. Ashleigh : I thought weren't ready for dating. Casey : It's not a date. It's... a defensive maneuver. Ashleigh : Okay. Well, there's the delta rho with the eight-pack. Or the tri-nu. Casey : Since the article, those houses treat us like we're radioactive. Does Hhotmanistan have a roommate? Ashleigh : I could ask. Also, we communicate through hand gestures. So it might take a while. Casey : I need someone fresh and exciting, a man so juicy that people'll forget Cappie and Rebecca are at the party. KT HOUSE - Graden Ben Bennett : This sucks, man. Rusty : Come on, guys. We can do this. Ben Bennett : I think I have a solution, but it all relies on Spitter. Rusty : Great. I know this video game could rock. Ben Bennett : Not the video game. You have to get us out of this. Rusty : Me? Ben Bennett : Cappie thinks you poop pearls. You have to talk him into letting us off the hook. Rusty : I think Cappie wants us to work together to come up with something great. Gonzo : Yeah, and we did. The swing-a-ling. We need you to convince him it was good enough. We're counting on you, man. CRU - Calvin's room Dale : Hey ! How you feeling? Any less gay today? Calvin : Still pretty gay. In fact, you know, last night, I had the most vivid dream of Anderson Cooper... Dale : Ok, Ok. Let's just try a new technique, shall we? Calvin : Macho wear?Where'd you get this? Dale : Somehow I got on their mailing list. But their boxer briefs are actually quite comfortable. Calvin : They do look snug. Dale : So what I need you to do is flip through the catalog and stop whenever you see a man you find attractive. Calvin : Sounds fun. My, my. He's nice. What the... Dale : Just take a deep breath. It's aversion therapy. We have to link the stink of this rotten bana peel to your attraction to men. Calvin : Ok, Dale.This is ridiculous. Why does it bother you so much that I'm gay? Dale : Because you deserve to be happy. How can you be knowing you're not going to heaven? Calvin : So you know for a fact gay people aren't on the invite list. Dale : Calvin, they teach you that the first year of bible school. It says in Leviticus "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female". Calvin : I've read Leviticus. Dale : You have? Calvin : Have you? Dale : Of course. Calvin : Then you know that it prohibits people from getting tattoos, right? And from eating shellfish, from wearing clothes with mixed fabrics. Call me crazy, but that shirt looks like a poly/cotton blend. Dale : I don't have time to debate the scriptures with you. But I'm gonna leave this here for you to practice. DOBLERS Casey : So how did you two meet? Rebecca : I strooped him. Cappie : The stroop task. It was a psych test. She was my proctor. Casey : I see. Rebecca : First we played proctor, then... Casey : Could you... excuse me for a moment? Save me from Frankencouple. How's your date? Ashleigh : He's "très romantique". Casey : So he's French? Ashleigh : He definitely kisses that way. Casey : Maybe he's carrying his passport in that fanny pack. Ashleigh : I think it's cute. Plus, it keeps his hands free. Oh, my god ! I'm such a horndog. Jonah : I am so, so sorry I'm late. It was really busy at the shelter. We rescued this litter of kittens, and I had to bottle-feed them dinner. Casey : Saving kittens. Isn't Jonah amazing? Rebecca : Amazing. Cappie : Speaking of kittens, I saw this video on "Youtube" where this... this cat just would not stop sucking on this guy's nipple. Internet's insane. Thank God. Lizzi : Greetings from your friendly neighborhood party patrol. I'm gonna need to see some ids before I let you have those beers. It's for your own protection. Name? Jonah : Jonah Perkins. Lizzi : Eye color hazel. And beautiful. And an organ donor. Jonah : Of course. Lizzi : Enjoy. Casey : Refreshing. KT HOUSE - Basement Rusty : Cappie ? You down here? Egyptian Joe : You gotta knock, man. Well, come on in. Hang out for a bit. Grab a bag. Rusty : "Fro-Below. Shampoo for your privates." Egyptian Joe : I'm an inventor. Rusty : How's that workin' out? Egyptian Joe : It's a good life. All purple mountain majesty. A lotta guys my age are anchored to, like, family or rent payments. I go wherever. Tropics... Deserts. Back to Kappa Tau. Have fun, share my wisdom. Check in on my Vesuvius. Speaking of... Who installed the atmospheric destabilizer? Rusty : Me. Egyptian Joe : Nice. Can I make you a sandwich? Rusty : That's okay. I'm not really... Egyptian Joe : What are you doing down here? Rusty : I'm looking for Cappie. My pledge brothers wanted me to talk to him about the swing-a-ling... Maybe sell it more. Egyptian Joe : Me and my pledge bros had a crap first effort too. So I made Vesuvius. You gotta step up. That's what's wrong with the world. Rusty : But weren't your pledge brothers mad that you did it without them? Egyptian Joe : Hell, no. They loved me. I made us legends. A man with a big-ass brain like yours needs to take the wheel and drive 'em to the Promised Land. Rusty : I don't know. Egyptian Joe : Innovators walk alone. Do your own thing. Slap their names on it, and reap in the benefits. And by benefits... I mean women. Rusty : What about your speech? The forged bonds. Egyptian Joe : Cappie asked me to throw in some stuff about... bonding or blah, blah, blah. I love Cappie, but he's an idealist. You gotta be a realist. The pledges'll thank you in the end. Now eat your salmon. DOBLERS Jonah : I hope to one day become a veterinarian. Casey : Hmmmm. Jonah : People are so concerned about human health care.Did you know that dogs and humans are the only two mammals with a prostate? Casey : Kiss me. How 'bout another drink? Jonah : I gotta drive home. Casey : How 'bout just one for me? CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the Lord today. Rusty : I haven't gone to sleep yet. Dale : Is something due? Rusty : Relax. I'm working on my pledge project. Dale : You pulled an all-nighter for fraternity homework? Rusty : I've designed... a homemade video game. It's called Kappa Tau-tris. It's like Tetris, but the shapes are all things from the house. Try it. See, you just drop the keg next to the beer bong. Dale : All right, I'm done. Rusty : Dale, I need to beta test it. Dale : Rusty, I'm not satan's joystick. [SCENE_BREAK] JONAH'S HOME Mme Perkins : Good morning, sunshine. Jonah : Mom! We talked about knocking. Mme Perkins : I know. I was worried you were gonna be late for school. I didn't know you had company, or I would have... brought more lucky charms. Hi. We haven't been introduced. 'm Marie. Casey : Casey. Mme Perkins : Pretty name. Please, don't feel awkward. I've told Jonah if he's going to have s*x, I want him to have it under my roof. Jonah : Mother! Mme Perkins : Mother... That means it's time for me to make my exit. We're leaving for school in 20 minutes. Jonah : 20 minutes. Casey : You live with your mother? Jonah : Yeah, just until I go to college. Casey : Wait... you're not in college? Jonah : No. But I'm taking ap calculus. Casey : How old are you? Jonah : I'll be 17 in two weeks. Which reminds me... My mom's letting me have a party in the backyard. You should totally come. But I gotta warn you, she's insisting I have a piñata. Casey : Listen...Jonah. I have to go... Jonah : My mom could drop you off on the way to school. Casey : Really, I need to walk. I crave my morning exercise. Jonah : Can I call you? Casey : Yes. In five years. KT HOUSE - Living room Ben Bennett : Are we off the hook? Rusty : We're still hooked. Ben Bennett : This sucks. What do we do now? Gonzo : Now we kick ass. Rusty : Wait until they play Kappa Tau-tris. Gonzo : You made the video game. Pay up. Pickle : It still has a few bugs. Ben Bennett : Go ahead and turn it in, Spitter, and you can be the hero. Pickle : And we... can go get fro-yo. Rusty : I don't want to turn this in alone. This is our pledge class project. Ben Bennett : This is your pledge project. Just like you won beer pong and you rebuilt Vesuvius. And we are kinda over it. Rusty : I don't wanna be the hero. I wanna be part of this pledge class. But I haven't had much experience being a team player. I was hoping maybe my brothers... could tell me how to do that. Ben Bennett : Don't be so critical. Pickle : Don't showboat. Gonzo : Don't call me Brad. Ben Bennett : And help us brainstorm another project that we can all be a part of. Rusty : Done. Ben Bennett : Ok. So what are some things every brother in the house enjoys? Pickle : Beer! Rusty : Reruns of cops. Ben Bennett : Chicks. Gonzo : We can build chicks! Pledges : What's wrong with you? ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Rebecca : Casey, over here! I was hoping my big sis could make it. Aren't those the same clothes you were wearing last night? Lizzi : Casey ? I'm concerned. Casey : Me too. About the environment. Which is why I like to wear all of my outfits twice before washing them. Water is the Earth's most precious gift. Ashleigh : Excuse us a moment. Well, At least one of us got our passport stamped last night. Casey : Jonah is 16. Ashleigh : Isn't that illegal? You might be on to catch a predator. Casey : I saw Cappie and Rebecca making out and I lost it. I got drunk, and I hooked up with some random guy. Ashleigh : Correction. Random boy. Casey : The point is... I let it get to me, and that's exactly what I didn't want to happen. CRU - Street Dale : You're looking very straight today. You ready for the next lesson? Calvin : Dale, you can't make me straight, all right? These lessons are useless. Dale : Listen, you can't lose faith, okay? Today's is the best of the bunch. All about attraction. Now just look at this parade of female flesh walking by us. Calvin : This is absurd. Dale : Listen, you gotta learn to appreciate the female form, the... slope of the neck, curve of the back. The heft of the bosom. Calvin : You okay? Dale : Yeah, I'm fine. Now, who do you find attractive? Calvin : She's cute. Dale : See? She is attractive. I knew you'd have an instinct for this. Calvin : What is she doing with him? She must like guys with personality. Dale : He doesn't look that hideous to me. Calvin : You find him attractive. Dale : Well, he's got good bone structure. Calvin : Wait. It all makes sense. Dale : What? Calvin : Have you ever thought that the reason you're trying to turn me straight is because deep down inside... You might be gay? Dale : Ridiculous. Calvin : Let's just look at the evidence. You don't have s*x with women.You like to knit. You... Appreciate the male form. And I've seen you run. It's a little bit swishy. Dale : I don't like what you're implying. Calvin : If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. Until then, you might wanna use this. CRU - Street Beaver : The world is full of hot senator's daughters, right? Cappie : That's the attitude. Dime a dozen, right? Come on. Come here. All right, I'll see you later, buddy. Casey : Hey. Cappie : Hey, Casey. Casey : You're a good friend to Beav, Cap. I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend to you. Cappie : More friendly fire. Casey : Friends are supposed to warn each other when they're making mistakes. Cappie : Look, I understand why you dislike Rebecca. But I've seen a different side of her. Casey : Rebecca only has one side, and it's covered in scales. She's just toying with you to drive me insane. Cappie : So seeing me with someone else is driving you insane? Casey : Seeing you with her is. Cappie : You and I are done. You made that very clear last semester. So why do you care? If you say it's because we're friends, I swear, I will vomit into your ridiculously small purse. Casey : I still care about you, Cap. Cappie : Well, I care about her. Casey : Really. Is it her winning smile or the fact that she's the one person on campus you knew would drive me crazy? What is it, exactly, you see in her? Cappie : She likes me for me. KT HOUSE - Living room Ben Bennett : First, we gave you the swing-a-ling, which ended with a broken Beaver. So today, we're going to heal him and this house by giving you the thing he likes best. Beaver : You made chicks? Ben Bennett : Better. We made... beer with our brand-new brewery. Cappie : I have not been this impressed since Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls". You totally came through! Gonzo : Let's have our president taste the first batch of beer. Rusty : We're calling it Cappie-weizen. Cappie : Nice touch. Let's let the love flow. Is it clear beer? Rusty : Just wait. Cappie : Silly me! This is not about how the beer tastes. This is about you guys working together! Brothers, let's hear it for our pledges! Beaver : I'll drink that. Rusty : We're still working on the formula. Cappie : Way to go, Spitter. Rusty : I just worked on the fermentation. Pickle's uncle imports hops, and Jake made these coasters.He's now known as... Woodchuck. Egyptian Joe : It's good. I mean, it's no Vesuvius, but... still. Rusty : He really loves that volcano. He's just a little... Cappie : Endearing. Rusty : Sure. Cappie : Look, I know Joe seems a bit crazy, but we've been though a lot. If it weren't for this house, we probably never would have even talked to each other. But that's the beautiful thing about brotherhood. It makes you bond with different people outside of your comfort zone. Speaking of bonding with different people... Gonzo : Spitter, We're making a pancake run to Ihop. Rusty : I'll be there in a second. I'm just gonna finish... Cappie : No, no. Go celebrate. You've earned it. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Calvin : Spring cleaning? Dale : I'm removing every speck of gay from my life. Calvin : Tim McGraw. Dale : His jeans are too tight. It draws the eye downward. Calvin : Dale, you realize I was just joking, right? You're not gay. Dale : Yeah, I know, but that's what you gays do. You indoctrinate. If I don't stay vigilant, sooner or later I could end up with my own bravo tv show. Calvin : That's ridiculous. No one can make you gay. Just like no one can make me straight. It's not a choice. Dale : I can't accept that. Calvin : Why not? Dale : 'Cause it's not what I believe. Calvin : Well, isn't that what college is for... Challenging our beliefs? Pretty sure it says that in the brochure. Dale : What do you want from me? Calvin : I want you to accept that I'm gay and happy about it. Dale : All right. Accepted. Calvin : Thank you. Next time, we're gonna talk about that flag, okay? Dale : Okay, Tim. You can stay. CRU - Street Rusty : Nice tail lights! Casey : Rusty ? Rusty : Oh my God ! That's my sister. Ben Bennett : We'll save you seats. Casey : Let's pretend that never happened and deal with it later in therapy. Rusty : So where are you running to? Casey : Correct question is what am I running from? Rusty : What do you mean? Casey : Cappie didn't tell you? He's dating Rebecca logan. Rusty : They're dating! Casey : Yeah. Rusty : Maybe we could put a hit on her. Casey : I think she regenerates like the Terminator. Rusty : You okay? Casey : I know I don't have any claim on him.It's just... Cappie's always been there for me. Deep down, I felt better knowing that. Rusty : It's like a safety net. Casey : I guess so. And now he's gone, and... It's scary. Rusty : Can I give you a piece of advice? The reason people get scared when their safety net is gone is that they begin to doubt themselves. They think they can't do what they did before because that net's not there. I'm just saying that I wish I was as good as you are walking the tightrope that is college. Casey : You're really into this net analogy. Rusty : If you fall... Casey : If you say I will catch you... This conversation is over. Rusty : That's fine. I'm late for pancakes. Casey : Thanks, Rus. Rusty : Hey Guys, Wait up. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Rebecca : Running. Good idea. You were looking a little puffy. Casey : Listen, Rebecca, even though I question your motives, I'm staying out of your relationship with Cappie. I want no part of it. Rebecca : Sounds like you're moving on. Good for you. I mean, really... It's been two years. Casey : Just... one more... thing. If you hurt him, I will hurt you. Lizzi : Oh ! This is what big sis, little sis week is all about.
Plan: A: Casey; Q: Who hooks up with a 16-year-old? A: Big Sister/Little Sister week; Q: When does Rebecca and Casey's rivalry intensify? A: Rebecca and Cappie's relationship; Q: What does Casey learn about Rebecca and Cappie? A: Rusty; Q: Who feels alienated by his fellow Kappa Tau pledges? A: " Calvin; Q: Who does Dale try to cure of his homosexuality? Summary: Rebecca and Casey's rivalry intensifies during Big Sister/Little Sister week after Casey learns of Rebecca and Cappie's relationship, and hooks up with a 16-year-old. Meanwhile, Rusty feels alienated by his fellow Kappa Tau pledges. Dale attempts to "cure" Calvin of his homosexuality .
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Clay : What's wrong? Nathan : What's wrong is I don't have a job. I asked you to do two things for me... make sure I play for the Bobcats and stay away from Quinn. You're fired. Haley : Maybe something went wrong because Clay got careless. Quinn : You mean with me? If that's what he got fired for, then I'm happy he's not in Nathan's life anymore. Julian : All right, so there's this sports-coordination company called Sportsarc... they want to talk to you. Skills : That's good looking out. Rachel : We do a live broadcast. Dan : From the hallway where I murdered my brother? Where one of your classmates committed suicide? Julian : It's not happening for the script. Alex : So it's really over? Julian : Yeah. I'm sorry. Millicent : It's Millicent. I got arrested, and I need your help. Brooke : I can't help you. Doctor : I am sorry, but the test came back negative. Julian : You can't have children? They told you that? Brooke : I'm sorry. Julian : Brooke. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Quinn : You're kind of nicely dressed for a guy who just got fired. Clay : Well, an agent should wear a suit. Plus, I don't want to get drowned again. Quinn : So which clients are staying with you? Clay : None. ISC got to everyone. Quinn : Every single one? Clay : Everyone they know about. But there is a kid in Arkansas that agreed to sign with me not too long ago. They don't know about him. And there's a little secret that only I know about him. Quinn : And what's that? Clay : In four years, he is gonna be the best quarterback in the NFL. Quinn : That's so great. You can do this. I'm so proud of you. Clay : Thanks. That means a lot. It means everything, actually. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Great. Yeah, I'll see you in a few. Thanks. That was the agency. They got an offer coming in. Haley : That's good news. From where? Nathan : Actually, I'm not sure, but they're on their way over now to fill us in. Haley : It sounded good, though, right? Nathan : I'll be playing in the NBA. That's all that matters. Haley : Ohh! AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : So, I was thinking about taking some time off from... well, doing nothing. How'd you like to spend some quality time with your boyfriend? Brooke : I can't. Julian : Oh, come on. Brooke : No really. I need to go talk to Millicent. I am so pissed at her, so pissed that... Julian : That you're gonna go over and check that she's okay? Brooke : Yeah. Julian : Love my girl. Hey. I don't need kids to make me happy. I just need you, Brooke Davis. Brooke : What did I do to deserve you? AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Lauren : Okay, sizzle reel? Skills : Yeah, you know, "sizzle" like "hot." It's kind of like a highlight reel that I can use to show the company in Los Angeles that I can actually do this job. And Julian said if I turn in a good reel, then they'll hire me. I just don't know what to shoot. Jamie : You should get these guys. "White men can't jump." It's my favorite. These guys are awesome. Someday, I want to play just like them. Skills : So, what are you and chuck doin' this afternoon? Mouth : Hold that thought. Hey, Brooke, what's up? Brooke : Hey Where's Millie? Mouth : I don't know. She didn't come home last night. Brooke : You don't know? Mouth : Know what? Brooke : Millie got arrested for drunk driving last night. I'm sorry, I thought you would have heard. Mouth : I'll call you. IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION Victoria : Oh! Millicent : Victoria? What are you doing here? Victoria : Right now? Having second thoughts. Millicent : Did you just bail me out? Victoria : A simple "thank you" will suffice. And now, if you're quite finished with your star turn in "the slutshank redemption," I think we'll be on our way. Millicent : I'm so sorry, victoria. Victoria : Please save the gratitude for someone who cares. I'm just protecting our investment. Zero may not be a size, but it's clearly your I.Q. Now get yourself home, clean yourself up, and whatever you do, don't show your face at Clothes Over Bros until you're ready to act like a professional. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Ken : So what you have to understand is that right now every NBA team has a full roster, and most are capped out. Haley : So, what do you guys propose? Ken : Regal Barcelona. Nathan : Spain? I already turned down a European offer. Ken : The timing's different now. We could probably get you the league minimum somewhere, but that's gonna hurt your profile in the long run. Man : Barcelona is a good get. Ken : You see, the trick right now is making sure your quote stays up and keeping you viable now that the Bobcat deal is dead. Barcelona does both those things. Haley : But he wants to play in the NBA. Ken : And he will. Nate, you got to trust us on this. Take the family to Spain, work on your game, and next year, we'll have you back in the NBA. AT RED BEDROOM RECORDS Miranda : Bright and early, as discussed. Very commendable, Haley James Scott. Our "accidental release" of your track just went viral on the net. Your fans are eating it up like Christmas trifle. We have to finish this album. Haley : Yeah, about that... um, how do you feel about me finishing the remaining tracks in Spain? Miranda : Do you understand what's happening right now? This is lightning in a bottle. It's been years since your last album, Haley, and you have momentum again. We have to capitalize on that. Haley : Nathan got a job offer in Spain. Miranda : Good. Then you can send him a copy of the album when we finish. Haley : I'm serious, Miranda. He's worked really hard for this. It's his dream. Miranda : And what about your dream? Haley : Maybe it can wait a little longer. Miranda : Well, this says it can't. That's a ticket to the start of your tour in advance support of your new smash album. You ship out next week. Not to do so would be a violation of your contract. Haley : Well, I'm not sure I can do this, Miranda. Miranda : Well, the survival of this label depends on it, so you better get sure. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Millie, this is like the fourth time I've called. Where... I'm glad you're okay. But all of this needs to stop. I need you to figure that out. And I'm really afraid of what might happen if you don't figure it out, because... I miss the old Millie. I miss the Millie that would rather stay in and play video games than stay out all night without calling. I miss the Millie who cared about her real friends and worked hard at her job. I miss that Millie. I want her back. I still love you, Millicent. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Alex : I'm sorry I said "I love you." Julian : It's okay. Come in. Alex : Fact is, I'm sorry about a lot of things I've done these days. I know I drive everyone crazy, and Brooke must hate me right now. It's hard because I... I just thought that... Julian : You thought what? Alex : I thought we would be doing this great thing, you know? And now it's all over before it even started. Julian : Hey, I loved the script, too, but there will be other scripts, other projects. Alex : You think so? Julian : I know so. You're talented. The important thing is to just keep moving forward. I mean, you know how Hollywood works. It has nothing to do with you. Alex : You always make me feel better. Julian : It'll be okay, I promise. Besides, I kind of need to spend some quality time with Brooke right now. Alex : Is everything okay? Julian : It will be eventually. It's just... Alex : Just what? Please don't tell me it's because of me. Julian : No. No, it's nothing like that. Alex : It is. You're mad at me. I can tell. Julian : No, Alex, it's just... Just forget it. Alex : Fine. It's obviously about me, 'cause if it wasn't, you'd tell me. Julian : We found out Brooke can't get pregnant. She can't have kids. Alex : Oh, my God. You must... she must be devastated. Is there anything I can do to help? Julian : No. God, I shouldn't even have told you. So, please, let's just keep it between us, okay? Alex : Sure. Julian : You know, to be honest, I didn't even know I wanted to have kids until the moment I found out I might not be able to. Alex : It's so sad. You would have been such a great dad. I'm sorry. ON THE ROAD Clay : Okay. All right. Nothing riding on this... just your whole career. But you've done this thousands of times. Kid with a big dream wants to see it happen, you make it happen. You are the dream merchant. And you are back. Huh. Excuse me, I... I seem to have gotten lost. I'm actually looking for the next hot NFL Q.B. Prospect. I was wondering if you could possibly point me in the right direction? Troy : Mr. Evans. It's good to see you. Clay : Yeah, likewise. How you been, man? Troy : Good. You doin' all right? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Penny for your thoughts. Nathan : Are you sure about that? Might want your money back after you hear 'em. Haley : Try me. Nathan : I think we should go to Spain. I've been wrestling with it all morning, and in the end, I think Ken is right. If I sit out a year, I may never make it back to the NBA. Spain keeps me viable. Spain assures that I will make it back. Haley : There's no other option? Nathan : No. And, look, I know that it's not ideal, but it makes sense. And it's only for a year. At least we'll be together. Haley : Yeah. Nathan : What? What's wrong? Haley : The record company wants me to tour in support of my new album. I'm supposed to leave next week. AT TROY'S HOUSE Clay : Game ball from the conference championships, right? Troy : Right. Clay : Yeah. That... that was a great game. Troy : What did you pass for? 400 yards. Clay : It was 428 and 5 touchdowns, but who's counting, right? Troy : You don't miss anything, do you? Clay : It's my job not to miss. And I promise you that I won't with you. All right, troy? I will do everything that I can to get you the best deal, the best endorsements. Troy : I know, but... Clay : What's going on, Troy? Troy : Ken Arthur called my dad two days ago. He said they fired you. IN TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Dan : I'm Dan Scott, and I've shown people the world over how to rebuild their lives through the power of forgiveness. But what about me? Can I be forgiven? Tune in tomorrow for a very special edition of "Scott free: redemption." And remember... the truth will set you free. Rachel : Cut! That was good, but I think you can go bigger. Dan : You don't think it's already too big? Rachel : Too big? No, it's genius. It'll take us to a whole other level. Everyone, back to one. We're going again. AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Alex : Millie? Oh, my God, are you okay? Millicent : I'm fine. Alex : Was last night terrible or what? Millicent : It is what it is. I said I'm fine. Have you seen my 7's? Alex : No. Are these what you're looking for? Millicent : Yes! Can I have my jeans, please? Alex : Or is this what you're after? Millicent : Alex! That's mine. Alex, don't! Don't! Alex : Millie. Millicent : No! No! You did not just do that. Alex : Millie, you have to stop. I've been there, trust me. Millicent : How dare you? I thought you were my friend. Alex : I am. Millie, you can't see it now, but I know what I'm doing. You don't. Millicent : You think you're better than me? Well, you're not. You're just some washed-up actress that's too dumb to realize she's chasing after a boy that has no interest in her. And if you had half a brain, you'd understand that. Julian doesn't want you in his life, and neither do I. AT QUINN'S HOTEL ROOM Haley : You're coming with me. Quinn : I thought we were in a fight. Haley : Well, right now we're taking a time-out 'cause I need my big sister. Quinn : Okay. AT TROY'S HOUSE Troy : This farm's been in my family for five generations. Clay : It's nice. Troy : Yeah. But how much longer do you think my dad can really work this place? There's a lot riding on me right now. Hell, I stand to make more money in the next year than my dad made in his whole life. But I have one shot at this. My family has one shot at this. It's everything. I like you, Clay. And I know that I said I'd sign with you. But you're an agent without an agency. And this is my whole life. If you were me, what would you do? Clay : Who did Ken Arthur tell you he was gonna pair you up with? Troy : Mark Wetton. Clay : Well... I'd go with Jim Mitchel. He'll make a better fit. And, uh... good luck for everythings. I'll be seeing you around. AT CLOTHE'S OVER BROS Brooke : If you're looking for your partner in crime, you might want to try central booking. Alex : That's not why I'm here. I know what you're going through. My sister went through it, too. Of course, she was a lot older than you. Brooke : Julian told you? I can't believe this is happening. Alex : Yeah, he did, but don't hate on him for that. It's just we talk about everything, and he told me how much he wanted to have kids. So the important thing is that we get you some help. Brooke : We? We who? You and Julian? Alex : Yeah. Brooke : Well, since the two of you talk about everything, I'm sure he finally told you the real reason your script died. Alex : What real reason? Brooke : Oh... His dad had said that it was un-makeable with you attached. You are the reason the project is dead. Alex : No. No, that's not true. Brooke : It is true. Maybe you should ask Julian about that next time you talk about everything. Get out of my store. IN THE CIMETERY Clay : You know, I really need you right now. It's not fair to hide in my dreams and not be here when I need you the most. Talk to me, Sara. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Jamie's not here. Dan : I'm not here to see Jamie. Nathan : Then what do you want? Dan : I want you to know before it gets out that I plan on doing a show about the day we lost Keith. Nathan : You mean the day you killed Keith. If you're gonna ask for forgiveness, get it right, Dan. Dan : I don't expect you to be okay with it. Just try to keep an open mind. This show is about helping people. Nathan : No, no, it's not. You know what I see when I watch it? I see a lot of miserable people and you taking their money. Dan : Just try to give it a chance. Nathan : A chance? You think after all these years I didn't want to believe that you're a better father than the man standing in front of me? I've given you a million chances. And the fact is, if you ever really helped anyone, if you did just one thing to show that you care about anyone but yourself, then maybe. But I know you, Dan. So... forgive me, but I'm all out of chances. AT THE RIVER COURT Skills : What's up, my boys? Y'all ready? You know the first play, right? Jamie : Just get out of eyeline and someone call "action." Chuck : Check it, chump. Skills : All right, let's try one. Action! This just might work. Haley : This will never work. If we go to Spain, then I screw Peyton and Red Bedroom Records, and if I go on tour, then Jamie gets homeschooled on a tour bus, and I don't get to see my husband for months. Quinn : Spain sounds cool. Good margaritas. Haley : I think that's Mexico. Quinn : What's Spain? Haley : I don't know. Sangria? Quinn : God, I love sangria. Haley : Really? Quinn : Okay. I'm sorry. Where were we? Haley : I was just saying that of course I want Jamie and Nathan to be happy, But I don't want to let Peyton down. Quinn : See, that's what I love about you. Haley : What... that I can't make up my mind? Quinn : No, that you're always worried about what everyone else wants. Now I think the most important question is... What do you want? AT MAKENNA'S HOTEL ROOM Makenna : So, what do you want? Millicent : It's just there's this big party tonight, and I was wondering if you could... I mean... Makenna : I could score you some more coke? Millicent : Yeah. Bitch, you rock. Makenna : Well, counting the last few favors, you owe me 600 bucks. Millicent : I don't have it right now. Makenna : Then that's a problem. But you might have one thing that I want. Millicent : What's that? Makenna : You know that red dress that I was supposed to wear at the Clothes Over Bros show? You get me that dress, we'll be square. Millicent : But that's an unreleased original from Brooke's new line. She'd freak if that got out. I can't give you that. Makenna : Then I think the weather report for Millieville is gonna be mostly cloudy with very little chance of snow. AT THE RIVER COURT Haley : So am I selfish if I want to go on tour? Quinn : No. Haley : Am I a bad person if I give up Red Bedroom Records so I can go to Spain and be with my husband? Quinn : No. Haley : So, what am I supposed to do? You're supposed to help me make this decision. Quinn : Okay, look, when we were growing up, I always depended on you. I mean, nothing has changed about that, Haley James. You're an amazing sister. And the one thing that I do know is that you always make the right decisions. So if you go to Spain, you're gonna be good. And if you go on tour, you'll be good. Because you're always good, Hales. You're kind of bad-ass like that. Haley : Hey... I'm sorry if I've been tough on you lately. I guess there's a part of me that just wants to try and fix everything. Forgive me? Quinn : I don't know. fight is officially over? Haley : I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet. Quinn : Shut up! Jamie : You either smoke or get smoked. And you smell like smoke. Chuck : Your mom and my game... they are so fat! Jamie/Chuck : High five, low five, chest five... Toe five! Boo-Ya! Skills : That's my boy! AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : Brooke, what's wrong? Brooke : You told Alex that I can't have children? Julian : Hey... Brooke : That was personal. That was between me and you, and you told her? Julian : I'm sorry. It was wrong. I... I just slipped. Brooke : How could you do that? Julian : Brooke, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Brooke : You know, what's even worse than you telling her is that you told her you want kids. You told her the truth and you lied to me. Julian : Brooke... AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Jamie/Chuck : High five, low five, chest five, toe five. Boo-Ya! Lauren : You did such a good job, Antwon. You made the kids look so cute. I think they were an inspired choice. Jamie : You're so getting this job, Uncle Skills. It's in the bag now. Skills : Yeah, well, if I do, I'm sure gonna miss you when I'm kickin' it in Cali. Jamie : You're moving away? Skills : Yeah, well, the job's in L.A. Jamie : But you never told me that part. Skills : Oh, I'm sorry, bro. I mean, it kind of just happened so fast. I thought you knew. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : I'm not going on tour. I want you to have your dream. Nathan : I want to show you something. Come here. Haley : What is this? Nathan : This is a map of your tour, but more than that, this is the adventure that you and Jamie are gonna have while I'm in Spain. See, you got Disneyland in L.A., the Grand Canyon outside of Phoenix, and then when you get to Chicago, there's this really great rib joint I know Jamie's gonna love. I got it all figured out... every stop, every city. Haley : Nathan... Nathan : And when you guys are done on the tour, you and Jamie can come to Spain, see me. See? Now you can have your dream, too. Haley : We should be together. Our family's been through so much. Nathan : Do you remember our anniversary in that old house? You told me then that you wished you could go on tour again, and I want you to have that wish. We should just be us, Hales. If we do that, then I think everything's gonna turn out fine. Haley : I love you, Nathan Scott. And I love our little family. Nathan : I love you, too. AT CLOTHES'S OVER BROS Victoria : Brooke? Brooke : It's nothing. Victoria : You're crying. Brooke : Mom, I can't have kids. Victoria : Well, I don't accept it. I just don't. We'll see a specialist... the best that money can buy. Brooke : I've been to a specialist. If there was anything that could be done, I would be doing it. Victoria : Well... It doesn't mean you can't have a family. We'll adopt. Brooke : It's not the same. Victoria : Yes, it is. Brooke : I just wanted it so bad. Victoria : How did Julian take the news? Brooke : He told Alex he wants kids. Victoria : Well, maybe he's not the one for you. Brooke : But what if I'm the one for him? AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Skills : I'm sorry I made you sad, man. But it ain't no big thing. I mean, just because I'm in L.A., that don't mean we won't get to see each other. Jamie : Like I see uncle Lucas? Skills : I know it's hard for you to understand right now... but sometimes us adults, we have to do certain things that we don't like. I mean, it's just part of being a grown-up. And even though he's gone, your uncle Lucas loves you very much. You know how I know that? Jamie : No. How? Because I love you, too. Jamie : So you won't forget about me in L.A.? Skills : Never. And maybe when you're older, you can come stay with me in Cali. 'cause I'll always be your Denzel. Jamie : And I'll always be your Macaulay, but I'm never leaving Tree Hill. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Clay : I said I was leaving. Quinn : What do you mean? What happened with the quarterback? Clay : Nothing. And you know what? He's right. I have no business jeopardizing a kid's career. I'm not an agent. I'm a liability. In six months, I'll just be the cautionary tale they talk about at company retreats. Quinn : So that's it? You're just running away? Do you think Sara would let you quit? What do you think she'd say? Clay : Nothing. Sara's dead. Quinn : You know, when I said I was staying, I'm staying... Clay! I guess I'll see you. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Mrs Edwards : Mr. Scott. Could I please trouble you for... Dan : For an autograph. Sure. No problem. Is there something special you wanted me to say? Mrs Edwards : You don't know who I am, do you? Dan : I'm sorry, I meet a lot of... Mrs Edwards : How dare you profit from the death of my Jimmy! You let everyone believe that he was a murderer. I had to bury him alone... alone and ashamed. And you have the nerve to talk about forgiveness. Well, I just came here today to tell you that you will never find forgiveness with me. Never. Rachel : Where's a camera crew when you really need one? AT CLOTHES'S OVER BROS Victoria : There you are. Good. You took what I said to heart. I was worried you'd be too ashamed to show your face around here. Millicent : No. I'm really sorry about last night. Victoria : Now that Alex is gone, a lot is riding on you, Millicent. You're the face we're putting out into the world. Brooke is counting on you. Don't mess it up. AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Julian : What the hell was that? I asked you not to say anything, and you marched right over there the first chance you got. I never should have trusted you. Alex : I was just trying to help. Julian : Help? What... you call that help? Because of you right now, Brooke and I aren't even talking. Alex : Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Julian : What's that supposed to mean? Alex : It means I can give you everything you want, and Brooke can't. Julian : Okay, I thought we covered this ground after your last text, which, by the way, you said was a big mistake. Alex : Maybe I lied... because I love you. And deep down inside, I know you love me, too. Julian : Alex, let me be perfectly clear. I do not love you. I don't even like you. Alex : Julian, don't. Julian : Alex, this is goodbye. Alex : But you like me. You said I was talented. Julian : Well, maybe I lied. Alex : Brooke told me about the movie... the real reason it didn't sell. It was because of me, huh? So it's true, then? That nobody wants me? Julian : Yes. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Millie, I've been looking all over for you. Didn't you get my calls, my texts? Millicent : My phone died. Sorry, I have to go. Mouth : Millie. You can't go. Millicent : I wasn't asking you, Marvin. I was telling you. Mouth : Hey! You need help, okay? You have a problem, and you need real help. Millicent : My only problem is you. Mouth : Millicent. If you walk out that door, don't bother coming back. Do you understand me? AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : You okay? Brooke : No. But worse than that, we're not okay. You should have never stayed here. Being here means you have to give things up, and I am tired of making you give things up... L.A., work, Alex, and now... Julian : Brooke, I don't care about having kids. Brooke : That's not true, and you know it. You want all that... and you should have it. I don't want to be the girl that keeps denying it from you. I think you should take another movie. Julian : And what about us? What are you really saying? Brooke : I'm saying I need some time... Apart. AT THE AGENCY Quinn : Hi. You were Clay Evans' assistant, right? Girl : That's right. Quinn : I was wondering if you could help me. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Hello? Nathan : What are you wearing right now? Haley : Are you kidding me? That's the worst line ever. Where are you? Nathan : I'm just trying to get an early start on this whole long-distance romance thing. Haley : It's gonna be all right leaving Tree Hill, right? Tell me it's okay. Nathan : It's gonna be okay. I promise. Haley : And you think Jamie will understand? Nathan : He'll be fine. All right? IN THE LIMOSINE Rachel : Driver, let's go. Dan : I don't want to do the show. I'm done. Rachel : You're funny. Dan : This is your end. It's enough for you to start over. You have your whole life ahead of you. Rachel : But we're just getting started. Do you have any idea how big this is going to be? Dan : How much is enough, Rachel? Give me the number that'll make you happy. Rachel : You're serious. Are you trying to get rid of me, Dan? Dan : No, of course not. I just want to stop. We can run away and just live our lives. We can grow old together. Rachel : You're already old. Dan : What we have is enough. Rachel : It will never be enough. And I shouldn't have to remind you that, as your wife, I'm entitled to half. You're missing a few zeros. Of course, when that clock stops running, I'm entitled to all of it. It's gonna be a great show, honey. We always give them a great show. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Skills : The sizzle reel is officially in L.A. I just uploaded it. You think I'll get the job? Mouth : Yeah, I do. You deserve it. Skills : Yeah, but you know I couldn't have done it without you, right? Mouth : Yeah. Skills : So, how'd everything go with Millie? Mouth : Not good. Really bad, actually. Skills : Can you fix it? Mouth : I don't think so. Skills : I'm sorry, bro. So, promise me right now that if I get this job in L.A., you'll go with me. Don't even leave me hangin, Dawg. Mouth : Okay. Deal. Skills : My man. AT ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Julian cell phone : Hey, this is Julian. Here comes the... Alex : I'm just calling to tell you how sorry I am for all the trouble that I've caused you, but you don't have to worry 'cause from now on, I won't be around to cause you any pain. And in spite of everything that you said to me, I will always love you. Goodbye.
Plan: A: a tough decision; Q: What does Nathan and Haley's careers bring about for the family? A: a secret; Q: What does Julian reveal to Alex that leads to a confrontation with Brooke? A: Alex; Q: Who leaves a suicide note on Julian's voice mail? A: Clay; Q: Who is trying to resuscitate his career as an agent? A: Jamie; Q: Who learns the truth about Skills' new job? A: jail; Q: Where did Millie just come from? A: Victoria; Q: Who does Millie find an unlikely supporter in? A: a shocking conversation; Q: What led to Alex leaving a suicide note on Julian's voice mail? A: Howard Jones; Q: What artist is the episode named after? Summary: Nathan and Haley's careers bring about a tough decision for the family, and Julian divulges a secret to Alex that leads to a confrontation with Brooke. Meanwhile, Clay tries to resuscitate his career as an agent, and Jamie learns the truth about Skills' new job. And a fresh-from-jail Millie finds an unlikely supporter in Victoria. After a shocking conversation with Julian, Alex leaves her suicide note on his voice mail. This episode is named after a song by Howard Jones .
[Salvatore's House] (A man is tied up and gagged in the living room. Damon is looking at him) Damon: Wakey, wakey. Mr...Sikes, head of corporate accounts. Oops. Sorry about that. Yeah. Can't have you mumbling any of those annoying Traveler ditties.It's a sure migraine. So here's the deal. My brother and my girl have both been kidnapped by Travelers, and I can't seem to find them anywhere. I mean, like, poof, gone, right? So besides a completely clueless hybrid in my basement and a cave full of sleeping Travelers, I've got nothing to go on except you, so I'm gonna need you to tell me where I can find your leader Markos (Caroline enters) Damon: What's up, blondie? Caroline: Liv and Luke aren't answering any of my... oh, my God! Mr. Sikes? Damon: You know him? Caroline: Yeah. He helped me open my first savings account. He gave me a lollipop Damon: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Sikes here is occupied by some low-life Traveler. I saw him and his buddies chanting in the town square last week. I also know that Markos and your passengered comrades are planning some big flashy spell to undo some super boring ancient witch curse, and where that sucks for us, it just happens to undo all witch magic, i.e. kill me and my sexy, blond frenemy here Caroline: If you know where Markos took Stefan and Elena, you need to tell us Damon: Yep. Sorry. You're gonna have to speak up. Mmm. Nope, nope. Didn't catch that either. I think he's trying to say something to me. Come here, sweetie pie Man: It doesn't matter where Markos is. Nothing you do can stop him now [A Room] (Elena wakes up. She's tied up. Markos enters) Elena: You have...enough. Let me go Markos: I'll have enough when you can no longer speak (He leaves and someone else enters) Stefan: Who's there? Woman: Shh. Get out of here. Go (He escapes and comes back for Elena) Elena: Stefan Stefan: Elena [Middle of Nowhere] (Stefan is on the phone with Damon) Damon: Seriously? Collect calls are still a thing? Stefan: Yeah. Well, you know what could have saved you the cost of this phone call? You finding us. How long have we been gone? Damon: 4 days Stefan: 4 days? 4 days, and you couldn't track us down? What'd you think? We were having a nice spa getaway? Damon: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've been searching 24/7, ok? Maybe if you'd been a little more perceptive, you wouldn't have gotten yourselves doppelnapped. What the hell was that? Stefan: Travelers drained us of our blood, so we've had to do a little bit of hunting Damon: You have Elena participating in squirrel slaughter? Stefan: Believe me; she's no happier about it than I am Damon: She'll shoot your eye out Stefan: Do you want to talk to her, or are you still pretending like you don't want to hear her voice? Damon: Don't psychoanalyze me, Stefan. Where are you? I'll come get you Stefan: I have no idea where we are. We're in the middle of nowhere. Listen. We'll make our way back, but Markos drained most of our blood, and considering the kinds of spells he was able to do with just a little bit of it... Damon: Yeah, I know. Find Markos; kill Markos, save Mystic Falls from becoming Traveler home. It's gonna be a busy day for me, Stefan. Time to strap on the hero hair Stefan: I'll get her home safely, all right? Damon: Get both yourselves home safely, brother. I'd hate to have to kick her ass for losing you [Salvatore's House] (Bonnie is here. As is Enzo) Enzo: Forgetting someone? Damon: Bonnie! Bonnie: He says you promised you bring him back Enzo: Uh, you're paraphrasing. He said, quote, I will find a way Bonnie: Whatever Damon: Hello. Still here,and I know what I said Enzo: Hey. Remind him he doesn't have a very good track record for keeping promises Bonnie: Please stop talking Enzo: The other side is on the brink of collapse. I plan on pestering all of you until I'm safely returned to the land of the living Bonnie: You need to fix this before I lose my mind Damon: Hey. I'm sorry, ok? I've got two missing doppelgangers, I've got a Traveler that wants to rid our town of magic, and I've got the friendly banker Mr. Sikes in the coat closet, so escape from the netherworld's gonna have to wait until tomorrow Bonnie: I think he wants to be penciled in for today Damon: Then you bring him back Bonnie: What? Damon: Liv is cooking up a spell to pull you back from the other side before it goes kaboom, so whatever you're doing, just include Enzo in it. You hear me, Enzo? Just hitch a ride with her, ok?See? There delegating. I feel better Bonnie: That's not a great idea (Jeremy enters) Jeremy: You called Damon: You. I need you and your Xbox buddy to run an errand for me. Come on. Let's go (They leave) Enzo: Well, what are you waiting for? Ring up your little witchy friend and get her over here [A Road in the Middle of Nowhere] (Stefan and Elena are walking) Elena: Ohh. I feel like an idiot Stefan: Ditto Elena: Do that thing again. The vamp thing Stefan: Oh, no. I don't want to do that. Come on. You know it's embarrassing Elena: Come on. It's the only thing that's keeping me sane right now Stefan: Sure Elena: Hmm. That was funnier the first time Stefan: Yeah. Well, you were delirious the first time Elena: How many, um... ahem... you know, are we supposed to have before we get our strength back? Stefan: More than we've had, that's for sure. Let me know if you see a damn buffalo Elena: This is depressing Stefan: Yeah. More depressing than walking for miles and not knowing where the hell you're going? Elena: No, probably not more depressing than that Stefan: Damon is in full hero mode today Elena: I'm sure he was thrilled about that Stefan: I don't know. He had the whole savior of the universe voice going on Elena: I like that voice. You know, maybe this whole thing's a sign Stefan: A sign of what? Elena: My blood can literally destroy him. If that's not a sign that we're in a toxic relationship... Stefan: Our blood, all right, our blood. Don't hog the blame. Look. We're vampires. We're a toxic species. Whether you want to blame it on magic or biology, it's just who we are. When a human gets ravenously hungry, they eat a double cheeseburger. We kill people. Some of us are more extreme than others, but that's just who we are Elena: How come you're so much better at controlling it? Stefan: Because I'm so much worse when I don't. I'm only gonna say this once. You two are miserable without each other, so if you want to be with him, just be with him. Look. When humans want to break free from complicated relationships, they go to therapy. Vampires get a pass, ok? Come on [A Dinner] (Luke rejoins Liv) Liv: I ordered us waffles. I figured our last meal wouldn't be complete until we poured liquid sugar all over it Luke: Mmm. My ray of sunshine sister Liv: The coven's pissed, Luke. You were supposed to hide Stefan and Elena from the Travelers, and you practically delivered them on a silver platter Luke: Ok. How was I supposed to know that Casper the English ghost would be a complication Liv: That's not the point. We were never supposed to let things get this far. We got sucked into some stupid "let's be friends" trap Luke: Look. These people are nice, ok, more than I can say for our screwed up family. What are you doing? Liv:It's not me. Like I said, the coven is pissed Luke: Fine. I'm listening Liv: We were supposed to keep the doppelgangers from falling into Markos' hands. We failed. We can't let him succeed at taking away our magic. There's only one move left. We have to kill Stefan and Elena Luke: Yeah... [A House] (Mrs. Douglas opens the door to the mailman) Mrs. Douglas: Morning, Sam Mailman: Mrs. Douglas, special delivery (She goes back inside) Man: Mailman didn't deliver anything? Mrs. Douglas: Nope. Just picking up. I'm going to be late for school. I've got a million college essays to review Man: What's going on, Pam? Something's wrong. You're different lately Mrs. Douglas: I think what's wrong is the fact that it's taken you so long to notice that your wife has been colonized by a total stranger Man: You think I'm joking? I'm serious Mrs. Douglas: So am I. My name's Karl.I'm a Traveler living inside your wife's body while my real body is asleep in a cave under the town Man: What are you talking about? Mrs. Douglas: This isn't my first choice, but I need to borrow something that's expendable Man: Pam, you need help Mrs. Douglas: This marriage was a disaster anyway. No hard feelings [Road in the Middle of Nowhere] Elena: I think I just hallucinated a unicorn Stefan: Maybe Caroline's nearby Elena: Heh. If Caroline was here, we'd have a fully catered buffet on the side of the road and a rainbow Stefan: Two rainbows Elena: That's funny. Ha!You know, when we were younger, I couldn't decide what was more annoying... her control freakiness or her delusional positivity, but right now honestly, there isn't a single person I wish was here more Stefan: Her control freakiness never really bugged me Elena: Yeah. Well, you didn't have to build a Barbie castle with her in the second grade Stefan: That's true. I do know this. If Caroline Forbes was here right now, we would both be laughing Elena: We're so pathetic. You know what? Let's put on your best Caroline Forbes hats, shall we? All right, universe, enough screwing around. We're ready for the good stuff. Theme dance or block party maybe Stefan: You got to be kidding me Elena: What? Oh, my God.That is so weird. Oh no wait. See? Stefan: Right... (They approach the car and see Maria behind the wheel) Elena: H--oh. Not what I was expecting Stefan: All right. Let's cut to the chase. You're giving us a ride Maria: You're trying to compel me? Who do you think freed you last night? Get in. They're coming for you [Salvatore's House] (Jeremy and Matt are carrying one of the traveler's bodies) Damon: Ah, great.I'm gonna add carry to the list of things that you can't do well, but that's ok. You can pay me back with your salary from the grill if you want to work a couple thousand years Matt: Why don't you do us all a favor and start dating Elena again? Damon: Just put her on the pool table (Caroline enters) Caroline: What the hell is going on? Who are all these people? Damon: Traveler husks. They've passengered themselves into the beautiful citizens of Mystic Falls like your buddy Mr. Sikes. You two, make yourselves useful. Patrol the town. Call me if you see anything weirder than usual Caroline: And what are you planning on doing with all of them? Damon: Here you go. Oh, yeah. Well, Markos put them in a cave. I'm hoping he wants them back Caroline: So you think drawing Markos to your house is the best idea? Damon: It's the only idea unless your body-snatched ex-boyfriend in the basement can help us Caroline: Julian is not Tyler. Therefore, he has no reason to help us, so until I figure out a way to get Tyler back, he's just extra baggage Damon: There's no shame in giving up. I mean, aren't we all a little sick of Tyler? Caroline: You know what? Your whole I'm too cool to care thing is really starting to get old, and don't think for one second that I believe your mood has nothing to do with Elena Damon: Spare me the unsolicited relationship advice Caroline: Fine. Just keep your torture-happy hands off of Tyler until I figure something out. I don't abandon the people that I care about [A Car] Maria: It was too risky to haul you out of there myself, so I had to circle back Stefan: Won't they kill you for helping us out? Maria: Yes, which is why we need to make sure that they don't get to me before I get to my husband. I assume you know where he is Elena: Well, seeing as how he's permanently passengered into one of our best friends, yeah. This isn't really a 3-person kind of truck, is it? Maria: You can always sit in your boyfriend's lap Elena: We're not together Stefan: She's not my girlfriend Maria: Noted. Sorry I assumed. I thought the doppelgangers were, like, fated soul mates or something Stefan: Something like that Elena: So you want your husband back. I get it, but didn't he run from Markos, too? Doesn't that make you guys both dead? Maria: Markos is focused on breaking the curse so that the Travelers can settle permanently in your hometown. I'll have a head start if I can get to Julian before Markos starts the spell Stefan: We're not just gonna let you take Tyler Maria: Tyler is gone. There's only Julian now, and he belongs with me. Once the spell starts, magic will be stripped away layer by layer. Tyler's body will turn from hybrid back to werewolf, but then finally, he'll just be dead, and my husband along with him. So leaving him behind is not an option [Salvatore's House] (Caroline is in the cell with Tyler/Julian) Tyler/Julian: Quit hovering. It's weird Caroline: You're, like, permanently inhabiting the former love of my life. Let's debate the levels of weird Tyler/Julian: If he's former, why do you care? Caroline: Because he's a person whose life you stole without asking. He deserves to be fought for Tyler/Julian: Whatever Caroline: So why can't Markos and all the other Travelers find someplace else to live? Tyler/Julian: It's nice here. Besides, it's not just about breaking the curse that keeps us from being able to settle. It's revenge against everything the witches stand for, every grimoire, every talisman, every vampire, right down to your daylight rings. The Travelers see it all as a perversion of pure magic. Markos wants to destroy that perversion. He wants to restore the balance Caroline: But that's just wrong Tyler/Julian: It's not really wrong when you think about it. If anything, it's kind of right Caroline: Why does he have to be so violent about it? Tyler/Julian: When it comes to getting what he wants, Markos doesn't have much of a sense of humor (Damon looks at one of the bodies) Damon: Nothing... (His phone rings he answers) Damon: Salvatore boring house Markos: I'm calling about my people Damon: Hey. You found my note. Now listen. Don't be offended, but I can't just give them to anyone, so what do they look like? Markos: They're ragged, beaten down by the world, desperate for a home Damon: You just described homeless people, aging hipsters, and Matt Donovan Markos: One of them is 5'10", wearing a black coat. You're standing next to him (Markos enters) Damon: I know the concept of a home is new to you, but it is polite to knock [Whitmore College] (Caroline is with Bonnie) Caroline: So Julian is trapped inside of Tyler forever or until he dies, so I was thinking what if he does die? Maybe that's how we do it, that's how we get him out Bonnie: You want to kill Tyler? Caroline: Well, he'll go to the other side, and then when Liv does the spell to help you and Enzo, Tyler can come back. And speaking of, shouldn't you be, like, preparing or talking to Liv or doing anything other than packing up our dorm room? Bonnie: We have to be out of here right after finals, which I might skip due to the potential extinction of magic in the place where I was spending my summer break Caroline: Right, but I think the other side falling apart is slightly more pressing than a late housing fee Bonnie: There is no spell. I made it up. The other side is collapsing, and everyone in it, including me, is going away for good. So, no, I don't think you should kill Tyler [SCENE_BREAK] [Salvatore's House] Markos: Nice place.A little rustic. My tastes are more modern ironically. Still... Good bones and all Damon:I think you read the flier wrong. See, the bodies are the only thing on the bargaining table and in the attic and the garage and the kitchen Markos: About that. Please tell me taking hostages isn't your grand plan because it feels a little small, much like the half bathroom off the foyer Damon: Funny. Here I thought you didn't have a sense of humor. Oh. If you're wondering about the smell, I have your salvation army doused in gasoline, and I am just itching to light a match Markos: You're right. None of this would be possible without their willingness to passenger themselves into your citizens and help perform my spell, and while I'd like to give them the opportunity to return to their actual bodies... It's not essential to my plan. Did you really think you'd found the whole of my people? Travelers are everywhere.They're the faces that surround you every day the world over, the ones you don't notice because you're too busy making a mess of all that you have. They want those things, too... a home, a family, a better life... and they're willing to die for it Damon: You want a promised land. I get it, ok, but look. Off the record, I mean, Mystic Falls is kind of a dump... bad schools, terrible traffic, and forget about ever getting a decent cup of coffee Markos: Mystic Falls is a means to an end, like a small pebble dropped into a very large pond Damon: Very poetic. No idea what it means Markos: Once we destroy the spirit magic in this town, the witches' curse will finally be broken. From there, the spell will ripple outward, unraveling spirit magic as it spreads. Only pure magic, our magic, will remain. My people will be free to go wherever they choose, and when witch magic and all that it has ever created is gone from this earth, you will be, too Damon: I think I've heard about enough Markos: You underestimate me. I've completely transfused myself with doppelganger blood. I'm channeling all the power of my people. You're not strong enough to kill me anymore. Not that it matters. The spell has already begun [A car] Maria: Home, sweet, home Elena: I don't meant to be rude, but would you mind if I drained your carotid of a few ounces? Maria: You're two blocks from home. Would you mind holding out, considering I saved your lives? Word of advice, keep a low profile. This is exactly where Markos doesn't want you to be. If a Traveler spots you, you're going right back to that camp Stefan: Look out! Elena: What the hell is she doing? Maria: Trying to kill you. Just a wild guess Stefan: Get out of the car. Unlock the doors! Maria: I did! Elena: Stop! Maria: I can't! Elena: Oh my god (They get out of the car) Liv: I'm sorry, I really am, but we need to make the doppelganger blood useless. One you needs to die Luke: It doesn't matter which one really [Whitmore College] (Enzo appears to Bonnie) Enzo: When did you plan on telling me, or were you just hoping the darkness would come take me before the awful truth came out? Answer me! Bonnie: Don't you get it? There is no solution Enzo: There's always a solution. Your boyfriend came back from the dead, Markos came back from the dead, you came back from the dead! Bonnie: The Travelers used doppelganger blood in that spell to bring Markos back, which means they basically destroyed the magic that was holding the other side together. It's unraveling, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. It is over, Enzo.You're not coming back. Accept it Enzo: I will accept it when that darkness comes and yanks me into oblivion. I will accept when I no longer exist. I spent over 50 years stuck in a cell, poked, prodded, tortured. By all rights, I had no hope of ever getting out, but I clung to it, so I will accept it when it's done and not a minute prior (Maria appears) Bonnie: I know you. You tried to kill my boyfriend in the caves Enzo: What's going on? Bonnie: A Traveler just died Maria: Please tell my husband I tried [Salvatore's House] Damon: I'd invite you to stay for dinner but I'm not very familiar with the traveler cuisine although I'm sure it involves lots of trail mix and gruel Markos: I think I'll take this wall down. I love an open floor plan Tyler/Julian: Damon. He doesn't know I'm here. Use the element of surprise. Not sure you're clever enough to pull it off. Just thought I'd put it out there Damon: Well, all I can ask is that you leave me with a couple great bottles of wine. You know, I spent half my life shoplifting the stuff. I'm assuming you want to see the wine cellar (Damon is in the wine cellar with Markos) Damon: Ah. Here's something you don't see every day. Bordeaux 1945.I think I won this in a poker game. I don't know. Maybe Stefan brought it back from the war. I don't remember Markos: Where is your brother? I was hoping he'd be here. The doppelgangers seemed to have slipped away without saying good-bye Damon: Well, that's a good question. Why don't we find out?After you [Middle of the Road] Luke: Do it. Liv, come on Liv: No hard feelings. Just following our coven's orders Luke: Liv! Liv, what's happening? Liv: Oh, no Elena: Your magic sputter out? Liv: Luke, it's started. The spell's started [Middle of the Road] Elena: We trusted you Liv: It doesn't matter.You're gonna be dead any second Stefan: Elena! Elena: Stefan, our rings aren't working Stefan: Get inside. Run now! [Mystic Grill] (Stefan and Elena enter) Matt: Elena, hey, what happened? Elena: Our rings aren't working Matt: What?! Stefan: Whole town square's filled with Travelers. We got to get out of here Matt: The tunnels. In the stockroom. Come on. Let's go [The Caves] Matt: Elena! What's going on? Stefan: The spell unravels the witch magic. It's spreading, and without the magic, I'm just someone who was shot by his dad Matt: All right. Come on. Let's keep running. Maybe we'll stay ahead of it [Salvatore's House] (Damon hangs up his phone) Damon: Well, Stefan isn't picking up, so he might just be out of cell phone minutes Markos: What kind of game are you playing? (Julian attacks him) Damon: Took you long enough Tyler/Julian: My fangs. What the hell happened to my fangs? Damon: Damon .We have a problem Markos: Now what were you saying about this being your home? Like I said, the spell will continue to unravel spirit magic as it spreads, which means you're not long for this world. The sun's about to set. Feel free to buy yourself a little time to say your good-byes. You and this traitor of yours can try to outrun the spell for a little while anyway [Middle of Nowhere] (Damon is walking. A car arrives. It's Jeremy) Damon: Little Gilbert, I have never been so happy to see you Jeremy: Get in [Whitmore College] (Caroline is packing) Caroline: What are we even supposed to take... photos, clothes, hair products? Like any of that matters when we're all dead! Why are you just sitting there? Bonnie: I'm thinking Caroline: Well, think while you pack. Death is literally on its way. You said a vampire appeared to you who died on old Miller Road, which means the spell is moving past Mystic Fall. So whatever will fit. The rest I'm sure we'll never see again. Hello, Bonnie! Which part of we're all about to die isn't registering? Bonnie: I think I know how to get us all back form the other side. I need to find Enzo (Matt, Elena and Stefan are outside) Matt: These are all the blood bags I could get my hands on Elena: Thanks. Between the 4 of us, that will last a day Matt: Then what? Stefan: That's a tomorrow problem. Right now, we just got to outrun the spell, regroup in about 1,000 miles, and then figure out a game plan (Damon and Jeremy arrive. Elena kisses him) Elena: You ok Damon: What was that for? Elena: I had a really crappy day, and I needed it. I thought I was never gonna see you again, and I couldn't think of a worse way to die Damon: Well, I guess today's your lucky day Stefan: Jeremy, you head back with Matt. We need eyes and ears in Mystic Falls. You guys take Jeremy's car. I'm gonna wait here for Caroline and Bonnie Elena: I'll call you in a few hours, Jer Jeremy: Be careful [The Other Side] (Enzo rejoins Maria) Enzo: Surreal, isn't it? Maria: Who are you? Enzo: Dead just like you, but I've got a proposition to get us both out of this place Maria: What are you talking about? Enzo: Markos managed to Houdini his way back to the land of the living with some crazy spell. Any chance you know it? Maria: I know the spell, but I don't know two dozen Travelers willing to overwhelm the anchor Enzo: I think you underestimate how resourceful we are. Just leave the details to us. What do you say? Interested? Maria: What the hell is happening? Enzo: Grab my hand! Hold on! No! [Whitmore College] (Enzo appears to Bonnie) Bonnie: What's wrong? Enzo: We hit a little snag (Caroline is with Stefan) Caroline: Where's Bonnie? She was right behind me Stefan: I'm gonna find out what's taking so long Tyler/Julian: I'm looking for Maria. I heard she brought you back to Mystic Falls Stefan: Uh, yeah, she did Tyler/Julian: Did she tell you where she was headed? Because she can't stay there. The town's completely overrun. What's the problem? Did she tell you where she was headed or what? Stefan: Listen. Uh, you're not gonna see Maria again Tyler/Julian: What are you talking about? Stefan: She's dead. I'm sorry Tyler/Julian: Don't touch me Caroline: It wasn't Stefan's fault Tyler/Julian: She saved your punk ass Stefan: I wasn't the one who killed her the witches did Tyler/Julian: Well, someone's gonna have to pay for it Stefan: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa. I'm in no mood to fight tonight, all right? Tyler/Julian: Look at me.My wife's dead. I'm in somebody else's body. I've got nowhere to go because my own people are trying to kill me Stefan: Listen. We're gonna find a way to stop this spell. Even if Mystic Falls is gone, we're gonna find a way to save ourselves, all right? (Julian kills him) Tyler/Julian: There. Dead doppelganger. Stopped the spell Caroline: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! No, no (Bonnie is still with Enzo) Bonnie: What the hell happened? Maria was the only one who was willing to help us who knew that spell Enzo: The great beyond happened, and it's gonna keep happening, so we need to find a way out of here and fast (Bonnie sees Stefan) Bonnie: Stefan... Enzo: What ? Stefan: Bonnie Bonnie: This-this can't be happening Stefan: Please tell me that you figured out a way to bring us all back Bonnie: I lost it. I'm sorry (Caroline is with Stefan) Caroline: Somebody, help me! Please. Oh, my God. No. Somebody, help! Somebody, help!
Plan: A: Stefan; Q: Who is the one who breaks the news that Maria is dead? A: blood; Q: What were Stefan and Elena drained of? A: Enzo; Q: Who is determined to find a way back from the other side permanently? A: Bonnie; Q: Who does Enzo torture to bring him back? A: Damon; Q: Who takes the bodies of the travelers and hides them? A: the travelers; Q: Who is occupying the bodies of the people in the town? A: more travelers; Q: What does Markos tell Elena and Stefan that they haven't seen? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where did Elena and Stefan go after being rescued by Maria? A: Maria; Q: Who helped Elena and Stefan escape? A: the process; Q: What did Liv and Luke kill Maria in? A: the situation; Q: What does Damon release Julian to try to gain control of? A: Tyler's body; Q: Where is Julian occupying? A: motion; Q: What is the spell to rid the world of all magic set into? A: Luke's magic; Q: What did Liv and Luke use to stop Elena and Stefan? A: the opportunity; Q: What did the failure of the daylight rings give Elena, Stefan, and Damon to escape? A: Stefan's heart; Q: What part of Stefan did Julian rip out? Summary: With the other side collapsing around them, everyone must work together to survive. With Stefan and Elena captured by Markos and being drained of blood, their saviour comes from an unlikely source. Enzo, who is determined to find a way back from the other side permanently, continues tormenting Bonnie to make her do the spell she's promised to bring him back, not knowing that she's lied and has no way of doing it. Meanwhile with the help of Jeremy and Matt, Damon takes and hides the bodies of all those who the travelers are occupying, trying to gain some leverage over Markos. This comes to no avail as Markos makes it clear that there are more travelers amongst them who they haven't yet seen. On their way back to Mystic Falls, Elena and Stefan are picked up by Maria. She reveals it was she who helped them escape. On entering the town, they are abruptly stopped by Liv and Luke who are determined to kill Elena or Stefan to stop the spell, killing Maria in the process. In a last ditch attempt to gain control of the situation, Damon releases Julian who is occupying Tyler's body, but it all comes too late. The spell to rid the world of all magic gets set into motion. Elena, Damon, and Stefan's daylight rings start to fail as does Liv and Luke's magic against them, giving them the opportunity to escape, and they take refuge to stay alive with the help of Matt. Everyone regroups to discuss ways to out run the spell in order to stay alive. Stefan and Caroline are left with Julian who is still occupying Tyler's body. Stefan breaks the news that Maria is dead and Julian, who is angry and determined to make someone pay, lashes out and rips Stefan's heart out killing him.
Scene 1: Sookie and Bill in Jason's house Sookie: I'am a fairy? How f*cking lame. Bill: Fairy is but one of the names. Sookie: What other names are there? Bill: Finodrerr. Ellyllon. The Old People. (Bill hesitates). Aliens. Sookie: God f*cking damn it. I really am an alien. Bill: Only part. You're mostly human. Apparently, a Fae coupled with one of your female ancestors. Sookie: Coupled? Bill: The Fae were known for breeding with humans. Sometimes against the human's will. Sookie: My people are rapists? How do you know all this? Bill: One of them called. Claudine told me. Sookie: Claudine? Where were you when you...? Bill: Bon Temps Cemetery. Only it... It was someplace else. And it was day. But it wasn't painful, it was beautiful. Sookie: What there a pond? Bill: Yes, that's how I got there. Sookie: I was there too. Claudine told me you would take my light. Bill: She's afraid for you, and with good reason. Sookie: What reason is that? Bill: Every supernatural I have ever met believes the Fae were wiped out of existence by vampires. Générique Scene 2: Tara and Jason in Merlotte's parking lot Jason: Oh, f*ck me (he sees the death of Eggs and Eddie) [/ i]. Whoa! [I] (He picks up the remains of Franklin). Tara, we gotta hide this. Tara: I need you to dig. Jason: What? Tara: Dig (He begins to dig, she picks up the remains and then gives him) [/ i]. Start up the truck. Put this in back. We'll find a place to burn 'em. I got this. [I] (Jason puts the remains of Franklin in the car. Tara covered with earth the blood and spit Franklin) [/ i]. I hope you rot in hell, you psycho piece of sh1t. [I] (She joins Jason in the car and they leave). Scene 3: Crystal, Lafayette and Jesus Calvin stop in front of Lafayette's house . Lafayette gets out of the car and runs home. Crystal dans la voiture: Why are we stopping? We don't have time for this ! Crystal in the car: Man, what the hell are you doing? This guy needs a doctor. Lafayette: We're still 20 miles away from the Monroe ER. He ain't gonna make it. Bring him up on the porch and lay him out. Jesus: I'm telling you if we don't take... Lafayette: Hey ! Would you just trust me? I' m gonna make it right. Crystal: What is he doing? Jesus: I don't know, but I guess he's got a plan. Crystal gets out of the car: If he dies, you're both f*cking dead. Jesus: It's all right. I got you, come on. (A Crystal). Get out of my way. Crystal: Wait ! His breathings all f*cked up, he can't get no air ! Jesus: Come on, Calvin. Stay with us, buddy. Scene 4: Sam coming home It takes a bottle of alcohol to disinfect the damaged hand and starts drinking. He thinks about what he said. Several voices in his head: You f*cking pussy. Is there anyone you won't let walk all over you? Dumb m*therf*cker. Rip your dick off and feed it to my hogs. You're really not an alpha, are you? Can't you just be a normal guy? I f*cking trusted you ! Memories of Sam in 2003. He enters a hotel room with a young woman. It opens a suitcase with jewelry inside. He spread on the bed. The young woman: Oh. Come on, come on. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh ! Sam: All right. (He shows two clamps to the young woman who chooses one). Yeah. The young woman: Tell me how you do it, Sam. Huh? How you keep getting into these places without setting off the alarm. Sam: A man ain't nothing without his secrets. The young woman: Tell me. Huh? Uh? Please? Sam: Maybe. One day, when we're out of this game, running a nice little bar, making babies who look like you. The young woman: Oh. You feel so good. Even warmer than usual. (Sam and the young woman are kissing when a man enters silently holding a gun). Sam: You are so f*cking beautiful. Man menace Sam avec l'arme : Well. Thanks, honey. Feeling beautiful. Sam: What is this? Man: This would be you getting screwed. Sam, addressing the young woman: You in on this? Man: Was her idea. Probably crossed your mind, a world class piece of ass like that don't usually fall for a dumb f*ck like you. The young woman (after picking up jewelry): We're good. Man (strikes Sam with the weapon): Well, you were right. Come on. (They dash out leaving Sam to the ground). Scene 5: Sookie and Bill in Jason's house Sookie: Why do people think they were wiped out by vampires? And if you don't tell me the truth, Bill Compton, I swear to God I will know it. Bill: According to legend, fairy blood is delectable and intoxicating to vampires. Sookie: Is it true? Bill: Yours is the most delicious blood I have ever tasted. That's all I know. I believe having your blood is what allowed me to get to whatever dream state where I met Claudine. Sookie: I'm pretty sure Claudine hated you in that other place. Why would she tell you anything at all? Bill: I told her my only intention was to protect you. Sookie: And she believed you? Bill: She did. Sookie: If... If my blood is so delicious, does that mean your feelings for me are based on...? Bill: No. Oh, it definitely drew me to you at first. But we grew into something much deeper. You must know that. You see the difference between the way I look at you and the way that Eric and Russell do. Sookie: Yes, but in the van, you almost... Bill: I was unconscious. I was fighting for survival. That wasn't me. Sookie, it is not your blood I love. I love you. Your mind, your heart, your soul. And I will forswear ever feeding on you again if that's what it takes to convince you of that. You have brought light back into my life and hope and gratitude. That is why I love you. Nothing else. Scene 6: Pam, Eric and a notary in Fangtasia Notary: « I give all my residences, subject to any mortgages or encumbrances there on, to... » Eric: My progeny, Pamela Swynford DeBeaufort. Pam (angry): Why are doing this? Eric: Because, Pam, Russell Edgington was maybe the oldest and strongest vampire on the planet, before he eviscerated a newsman live on TV. Now he's also the craziest, and his rage is directed at me. Do the math. Notary: Article four. « I give the rest of my residuary estate to... » Eric: My progeny, Pamela Swynford DeBeaufort. Pam: You're not even gonna put up a fight? Eric: Of course I am.But until I come up with a brilliant plan to beat him, I am covering my bases and your ass. Pam: Eric... Eric: Unless you have a plan for me to defeat Russel Edgington, do not distract me. (Au notaire) Go on. Notary: Your signature requires two witnesses. But the witness cannot be the beneficiary of your estate. Eric: Yvetta ! (Yvetta arrive). Are you mentally competent and under no duress at this time? Yvetta: Da. Eric: Good. Watch this. (He signs and takes the Yvetta's hand to sign.) Notary: Well, congratulations. According to the State of Louisiana, should Mr. Northman meet the true death, you will become a very wealthy vampire. I'll show myself out. Yvetta in Estonian?: You're giving her everything? You promised to take care of me ! Eric in Estonian: I promised you a job and good s*x. That is all. Yvetta in Estonian: So I mean nothing to you? Eric in Estonian : Less than nothing, you gold-digging whore ! (Yvetta leaves in anger). Pam: You can be a cold-hearted b*st*rd. (she leaves). Scene 7 : Crystal, Lafayette Jesus and Calvin in front of Lafayette's house. Crystal: What the hell is that? Lafayette: Vampire blood. Crystal: Nothing's happening. Lafayette: Give it a second. Jesus: Why'd you do it? So he'd die in peace? Lafayette: Trust me, all right? Here we go. (injuries on Calvin and Calvin disappear) Jesus: What the f*ck? Crystal: Oh, my God. Oh, Daddy. Jesus: No f*cking way. Calvin gets up, he is not happy. Crystal (embraces father) : Oh. Thank you, God. Thank you. Calvin (to Crystal): You let these faggots put vampire juice in me? Crystal: They saved your life ! (Calvin and Crystal hand slap). Calvin: f*cking cock-sucking faggot. Jesus (approaching Crystal):[/b] You okay? Crystal: I can take care of myself. (She runs after her father).Daddy, wait ! Daddy ! Lafayette: Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash. Scene 8 : Crystal joins Calvin in the woods Crystal: Daddy ! Calvin: Your happy? This is what happens when you turn your back on your family. Crystal: I just wanted a taste of the outside. Calvin: Yeah. Well, you like what you got? A shifter kicks my f*cking ass, and those two cocksuckers give me fanger blood? (spits). How could you want to chase around some human, who would freak the f*ck out if he knew what you are? You really think you can take up with that boy? We ain't supposed to mix ! It's your duty to mate with Felton. Crystal: But I don't love Felton. Calvin: You ain't gotta love him. You lie under him, bear his kids, keep his bloodline going. Especially now that you done ruined mine. Crystal: I can't go back there. I won't. (she leaves) Calvin: You're dead to me, girl ! You're no daughter of mine ! Scene 9 : Sookie and Bill at Jason's. Sookie sleeping on the couch, while Bill sat beside watching. The TV is on The reporter on TV: In the aftermath of vampire terrorist Russel Edgington's slaughtering news anchor Jerry McCafferty on live TV, American Vampire League spokeswoman Nan Flanagan is speaking out against the anti-vampire sentiment and hate crimes sweeping the nation. (Bill rises and turns up the volume of the TV). Nan Flanagan: Look, I do not deny that this was the heinous act of a madman. Russel Edgington is an extremist and a terrorist, but that's not because he is a vampire. It's because he is an extremist and a terrorist. He is one individual, just as Jeffrey Dahmer was an individual. And I certainly don't recall protests or a call to punish all human men after his at... (Bill turns off the TV because he senses the presence of a vampire outside. The door opens and we see Eric). Bill: How did you find us? Eric: Oh, it was really not that hard. I know what Sookie is. (Bill leaves the house. They both walk) Eric: So is it true that Sookie's blood let you walk in the sunlight? (Bill stops in surprise). Oh ! Sophie-Anne never even told you why she sent you for Sookie. Bill: I returned to Bon Temps because it is my ancestral home. Eric: Oh, spare me your lies. I'll just find out on my own. Bill: Sookie is mine. Eric: She won't be if you're dead. Is it true? Bill: No. The blood works for a fews minutes, if that. And you burn a bit slower than you would do without it. But you still burn. Eric: Well, that's gonna disappoint Sophie-Anne. Bill: Well, I will die the true death before I let her get her hands on Sookie. Or anyone else, for that matter. Eric: Russell will come for her. Bill: Well, you should know, since you're now his butt boy. Eric: No longer. I killet Talbot. Bill: So that's why he went medieval on TV. Well, thanks, Eric. You just put our cause back a thousand years. He must be after you for that. Why are you even here? Eric: I'm trying to save Sookie. Bill: Oh, give me a break. You don't care about Sookie. You left us in Russell's house to die. What is the f*cking truth, for once? Eric: The truth? Well, why don't you tell Sookie the f*cking truth, if you really love her? Sookie (arrives at this point): What truth? Bill: The truth about what you are, which I've already told you. Sookie (to Eric): Why are you here? To pretend like you care about my safety, so you can sell me out to Russell again, or is it to the Queen this time? Eric: You really believe he is trustworthy? Sookie: All I know is I sure as hell can't trust you. And now that I know what I am and what you want from me, I can promise you will never get it. Eric: Well, do what you want. I won't be around much longer anyway. I wish you the best, Sookie Stackhouse. (Eric leaves). Scene 10: Jessica, Arlene, Tommy at Merlotte . Jessica and Tommy clean the floor. Arlene watches TV. Steve Newlin comments are attacking Russell. Steve Newlin: This heinous act of pure evil is a blessing, actually, because it finally reveals the true nature of these beasts to us all. Arlene: Mmm Steve Newlin: And if I were less of a Christian, I would say, « Told you ». But of course, I take no joy in this dark time. Tommy (to Arlene): Guess we're on our own for clean up. Arlene: I ain't filling salt shakers while innocent people are being attacked by vampires. It was only a matter of time before one of y'all got caught on film. (Jessica gets up and brutally throws Arlene's plate against a wall). Arlene: Ah ! Jessica: Okay, we get it. You don't like vampires. Well I don't like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs. But at least I've got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it. Most of the time. I suggest you do the same. Arlene: Okay. (she begins to leave) : You know, I may be skinny, but I ain't evil. And once evil, always evil ! (she leaves). Jessica: Oh, I shouldn't have done that. Tommy (approaching Jessica): Are you kidding? It gave me total wood. (Jessica covers her mouth as his teeth came out). Hey, don't cover 'em up. They're f*cking hot. Anyone ever told you that? (Jessica shakes her head). Arlene's full of sh1t. If that old boyfriend of yours had a problem with you... (He moves a little closer to Jessica and she walks away). Jessica: He doesn't. He should, but he tells me I shouldn't hide who I am. Tommy (returning to her) : Then why are you here with me instead of with him? Jessica: Because he's too good for me. Tommy (approaching to kiss) : Well, I'm not. (Jessica leaves). Steve Newlin On TV : ... Enough is enough. Scene 11: Summer and Hoyt Hoyt in the car. They stop. Summer: I've been thinking, Bear. Hoyt: Bear? Summer: One of them cute, cuddly ones with the big eyes and arms you could squeeze till Tuesday. You're the most special person I ever met. I know seeing Jessica's gotta hurt that big old heart of yours, but I think I know a way to fix that. (She starts to unbutton her dress) Hoyt: Summer... Summer: I can tell you're a sexual person, Hoyt Fortenberry, and if that's what it's gonna take to fill up this distance I'm feeling between us... Hoyt: You don't have to do this. Summer: I know God wants girls to wait, but I'm right about you. (She takes Hoyt's hand and puts it on her breast). It's gonna take getting used to. I mean, me being warm and all, but maybe you'll like it better. Hoyt: Summer, listen... Summer (approaching Hoyt): I'm ready, Bear. Scene 12: Sookie and Bill at Jason's house. Tara and Jason enter the house. Jason seeing Bill: Jesus. What...? Sookie (to Jason who has blood on his shirt): What happened? Jason: There was a fight at Merlotte's. Sookie: Jason. Jason: I don't wanna talk about it. How did you guys get in here? Sookie: The key on the sill. Is it okay if I stay here a couple days? Jason: You in some kind of trouble again? Tara to Bill: What'd you do to her now? Sookie: Tara. Bill: It's all right. Sookie to Bill: No, it's not all right. (à Jason) I have a few werewolves afterme, and a vampire and... Jason: Jesus. Tara: Now they're coming here. Great, thanks. Why is it wherever he goes, trouble follows? Bill: It's almost dawn. Sookie: Yeah. Bill: Don't worry about it. I'll go to ground nearby, just in case I'm needed. (He leaves beckoning Jason with him) Sookie: Tara Mae, now, I know you've been through a lot, but... Tara : Don't Sook. You're my best friend, and I love you, but no matter what you say, I'm staying the f*ck away from all of 'em. Sookie: So, what, it's you or Bill now? Tara: I'm doing whatever I gotta do to survive. I can't help it. I wish 'em all dead for good. Sookie: You're talking about the man I love. Tara: He's not a man. They're monsters, and Bill ain't any different from the rest of 'em. They tie you up and duct-tape you so you can't scream. They kidnap you, rape you, try to turn you. Sookie: That's what Franklin did to you? Tara: And the man you love didn't lift a finger to save me. (Sookie takes Tara in her arms) Sookie: I'm sorry. Scene 13 : Jason et Bill in front of Jason's house. Bill: You have a gun in the house? Jason: I got a shotgun in my truck. Bill: Werewolves are quicker, stronger than you can imagine. Shoot 'em fast, and right between the eyes. Jason: Mm-hm. Okay, I got this. Bill: Are you sure? Because I'm counting on you. Jason: Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'll take care of her. I promise. Bill: All right. (he leaves). Scene 14 : Jesus and Lafayette at her house. It's morning. Jesus opens a bottle of V. Jesus: Last night, that guy was as good as dead, but a little bit of this, and he just walks away. It's magic. You ever do it? Lafayette: Sometimes. On special occasions. Jesus: I wanna do it with you. Lafayette: Yesterday morning, you made coffee. I thought today maybe we'd graduate to juice and pancakes. Jesus: Okay, I know it's powerful. Lafayette: It's more than powerful, it's unpredictable. It affects everybody different. Jesus: How does it affect you? Lafayette: It depends. Where I am, who I'm with. Jesus: Well, you're safe with me. You gotta know that by now. Lafayette: Most folks use this for s*x, but it can take you much, much deeper. Jesus: I get that. It helps you connect even more to whatever magic you're already hooked up to. Lafayette: How do you know that? Jesus: Because I care for people who live in a different reality. That takes mad intuition. Lafayette: So you more like a shaman in a Sunday hat. Jesus: It's in you too. You know that. All you need is a little push. (Jesus puts some V on his finger and put it on Lafayette's tongue, then licks fingers[i] Lafayette: Oh, Lordy. Scene 15 : Arlene, Holly, Tommy at Merlotte. [i]The TV is on. Reporter on TV: We've just heard that the Special Forces raid on Russell Edgington's residence in Jackson, Mississippi has turned up no clue as to the vampire terrorist's whereabouts. In fact, sources say the mansion was as empty as a tomb, no pun intended. As authorities continue to search for Russell Edgington... (Sam arrive). Arlene (trying to be normal): Well, hey, Sam. How are you this morning? Sam: Uh. Reason the TV is so loud? Arlene: Oh, fuck-a-doo. I am so sorry. I will turn that off right now. Reporter on TV: ...would allow each class the opportunity to protect... (Arlene turns off the TV) Sam: I need some coffee. Tommy: More like hair of the dog, huh? (Terry gets bored). Sam: Hey, Terry. Terry: Hey, boss. Sorry I'm late. (He starts to leave for the kitchen) Sam: Shift don't start for 20 minutes. Terry (back): Oh, right. Well, sorry for being sorry. (He leaves) Sam: Okay, everybody, everybody just... You can relax. Okay? I didn't kill anybody. Lafayette called me this morning, and the guy is fine. So pretend you're all normal. (Holly approaches him and hands him a tube filled with capsules) Sam: Why exactly are you handing me marijuana? Holly: Black cohosh. Brings down your testosterone levels. For your rage. You obviously have a problem. Sam: Thanks. You got anything that works for nosiness and bad boundaries? Holly: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just something I do. I give people remedies. I'm a Wiccan. Sam: Hey, listen. You're new here, so you wouldn't know this, but I got two rules in my bar : no dancing, no religion. Holly: Good to know. Sam: Yeah. Tommy (approaching Sam): Dude, why'd you tell 'em that guy didn't die? You were finally getting some respect. Sam: Tommy, it's not respect when your employees think you're a psychopath. Tommy: All know is, was proud of my big brother last night. Sam: Yeah, well, you're an idiot. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 16 : Terry smoking behind Merlotte. Arlene arrives with a trash can. Terry: Secondhand smoke, bad. You carrying a heavy load, bad-bad. (Arlene begins to cry) Arlene? Honey, what's wrong? Arlene: Oh, Terry. Terry, this baby... Terry: Are you spotting grayish tissue, having side cramps or experiencing a dull, consistent ache in your lower back? Arlene: No, I'm fine. It's just... Terry: You're worried about me and my parenting skills, ain't you? Oh, Arlene, I promise you, I will be the best daddy to our baby... Arlene: No, Terry. This baby ain't yours. It's Rene's. It's gonna be evil, and I wanna get rid of it. (She waits for his reaction). Terry: No. I will raise that child as my own. Do you hear me, Arlene? I want to marry you and together we will surround that baby with more love than it can handle. (He takes her in his arms, she cries again). Terry: It's okay. Just let it out. Let it out. Scene 17 : Sookie and Jason at Jason's house. Jason (crying): Oh. Franklin was coming after her. And I just... I fired. One minute he was there, and the next... he was just a big old pile of... Sookie: You listen to me. Franklin hurt her worse than you and I can imagine. You saved her life. Jason: No, I didn't. Sookie: Doesn't feel like it now, but you did the right thing. Jason: No, I didn't. Sookie: Look, I know how awful it is to kill someone, but you have to remember... Jason: But I shot Eggs. He was coming after Andy with a knife. And I shot him. Dead. And I didn't tell you because before I even had time to think, Andy took over, and I ran. And I didn't know which lies to tell you or Tara. So I didn't tell you any. Sookie: Tara's gotta know. People always find out, and it hurts them ten times more. Jason: Like with Eggs, huh? You told him the truth, and look what happened. Sookie: Jason. Jason: I'm good at protecting people. It's like the only thing I do right, and that's what I'm doing. Sookie: You're not protecting her. You're lying to her. Jason: And they ain't always so different. Sookie: Yes, they are. Jason: How would you know, Sook? No one can keep anything from you. Sookie: Vampires can. Scene 18 : Jesus and Lafayette. They took V and under its influence, they dance. They have hallucinations. Lafayette (seeing religious statuettes dance): Oh, check out Barbies. Look at 'em getting funky now. Mary. Go, girl. They're having fun. That got to be a good thing. f*ck. (The play revolves around them). Going round. Oh ! Your teeth is wobbling. Oh ! Hey. (They see an old woman sitting on the floor). Lafayette: You know her? Jesus: Yeah. The old woman with the voice of Jesus: She could undo very powerful spells. With those oils, she saved many people from evil. (The scene changes). Jesus and Lafayette: Whoa ! Oh ! Oh ! ho ! They see a woman lying down. Another woman and man are next to her. Jesus: Oh (He motions to the woman, who notices. She smiles. The young woman lies down) La femme (standing with the voice of Jesus): Women from all over Mexico came to her for fertility problems. Lafayette (with the voice of Jesus): The egg will draw her essence up and cleanse it. (It is surprising that Jesus could go through him to speak). Lafayette: How'd you do that? Jesus: We're connected, bro. Bye. (The scene changes again. There are two women. One of them is trying to make a powder) Jesus: Your Great-great-great-grandma Mae and her girl, Winnie. (They spread the powder around their beds). Lafayette: Never had to share their bed with their master because of that powder. Jesus (with Lafayette's voice): That's my great-great-grandmama Winnie? Lafayette (with the voice of Jesus): Yes, sir. Mae was a conjurer. Jesus: Passed that right down to Winnie. Lafayette: How come I never knew that? Jesus: You know now. Lafayette: Damn. (The scene changes again. There are stuffed animals, skulls in a voodoo style decor. A man is sat on the ground. He sticks pins in a doll) Lafayette: Your grandfather? Jesus: He practiced black arts. Lafayette: Scared the sh1t out of mi mami. She drug you all over the f*cking world trying to escape him? Jesus: Because he had big plans for me. The man screams. Lafayette wakes up suddenly. He is in the arms of Jesus. Jesus: It's okay. It's o... It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Lafayette: What the f*ck was that? Jesus: That's my grandfather. A hechicero, a sorcerer. Lafayette: sh1t ! Jesus: That was f*cking awesome. (Lafayette looks worried). Scene 19 : Sookie sleeping on the couch at Jason's. She sees Eric sitting in front of her. Sookie: I know this is a dream. Eric: Well, you might as well enjoy it, then. Sookie: Will your blood ever wear off? I'm tired of dreaming about you. Eric: No, it's not just the blood. You know you have feelings for me. Sookie: Ew. (Eric kisses her on the mouth). Eric: You know you like this. (He kisses her neck). And this. And you know you can't trust Bill. That's not my blood talking. It's your survival instinct. (He starts to bite, but she wakes up with a start. Jason arrives with a tray) Jason: You okay? Sookie: Yeah. (She is a little disturbed). Scene 20 : At Jason's house. He brings a tray with breakfast to Tara, who is lying in the bedroom. Jason: Still sleeping? Or you hiding out from Sook? Tara: From the world, I guess. Jason: I thought you might be hungry. (Il commence to sortir de la chambre). Tara: It's okay, you know. I'm sure it's gotta feel weird having to do what you did. Jason: Tara... Tara: You saved my life last night. You've been saving me since I was a little girl. Jason: Yeah. That's what I wanna talk to you about. See, sometimes when you... You try and save people, you end up not. It's almost like your right hand, it's not talking to your other hand. A.. And you don't know which one to listen to 'cause... 'Cause they both wanna do the right thing... Tara: Jason. I'm trying to say thank you. For last night, and letting me crash. You just get it. (Jason sits on the bed next to Tara) Jason: Tara, you know I ain't that deep. Tara: For some reason, you like pretending you're too dumb to know better, do better. But you, you're good. I can count on you. And there ain't much of that left anymore. (She cries, and Jason takes her in his arms) Jason: It's all right. Just, you know, breathe. (She kisses him). Jason: Wait. Tara: No, I'm... Jason: you don't have to be... Tara: f*cked up. I'm so totally f*cked up. (She gets up and starts to leave the room. He grabs her by the hand). Jason: I shot Eggs. (Tara is next door watching). Say something. Tara, please. Hit me. Call the cops. Tell me you hate me. Anything. (Tara runs out. Jason enters the room and sees that Sookie is no longer there) Oh, f*ck. (He sees a note from Sookie saying she will be back soon) Motherfuck ! Scene 21 : Jessica at Bill's house. She sees a flaming cross. A man's voice outside: Vampers go back to hell ! (Someone throws a stone in a window. She is worried. Bill arrives and reassures her) Jessica: I can still smell them. (She begins to leave but Bill restrains her) No, we can track them down ! Bill: It's more important than ever that we restrain ourselves. Jessica: But... Bill: Even if it is against our nature. (She nodded her agreement) Scene 22 : Sam in the woods near the Merlotte There is drinking. He sits and thinks about what it happened in 2003. It is evening, we are in the woods. The man who hit Sam in front of a campfire in the process of counting the money. He has a gun beside him. The young woman in the back of pick up. The young woman: How many times you gonna count it? Man: Until it stops being fun, sweetheart. Sam arrives (turned into a dog). He spies behind the trees. The young woman: It's all ours, babe. Come to bed. (He starts to join her. The dog approaches the weapon. Sam becomes human again, he takes the gun and threatens the man) Sam: Surprise, asshole. Man: What the f*ck? Sam: Give me my money. (The man gives it to him. He looks quickly at the money) Where's the rest? Man: It's in the truck. Sam to the young woman: Get it ! (to the man) Give me your pants. Give me your f*cking pants ! (The young woman looking in the pick up). What the f*ck's taking so long? The young woman: It spilled ! Just give me a sec ! Man to Sam: You know, she told me all about you. After she'd f*ck you, she'd come crawling back into bed with me. She told me you like to bark in your sleep. Freak. Sam: Yeah. Yeah, I am a freak. That makes it okay to f*ck me over? (He hits the man, who falls). Huh? Steal my money I was gonna make a new life with? I'll f*ck you over, you greedy piece of sh1t ! (He continues to hit) The young woman: Stop it ! Stop it, Sam. I will shoot you, Sam. (She pulls. The bullet grazes Sam who pulls in return. The young woman falls affected). Sam: No. No ! (He takes her in his arms). Hey, hey. Honey, stay with me. Stay with... Oh, God, no. No, don't you f*cking die on me. No. (She dies. Sam kills the man crawling on the floor). Fucker. Scene 23 : Pam, Sookie, Eric at Fangtasia Eric is sitting in his office. Pam and Sookie enter. Pam: She insisted. Eric: She always does. (He motions to Pam out). Sookie: What did you mean, you're not gonna be around much longer? Eric: Don't pretend you care about me. This is about Bill. Deep down, you know you shouldn't trust him. Sookie: Okay. Tell me why. (Eric gets up and approaches her) Eric: Well, here's the truth. There are forces beyond even my control. If I meet the true death without having at least kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, that would be my biggest regret. Sookie: Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye to me? Eric: Because I am. (He kisses her on the mouth. She begins to push and kisses too, then stops). Sookie: Okay, I get it. I'm irresistible and intoxicating, but keeping things from me does not exactly help your cause. Tell me why I shouldn't trust Bill. (Pam arrives). Eric: What? Pam: Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah. (Pam and Eric leave the office). Scene 24 : Pam and Eric at Fangtasia, in the room Eric: This better be good. Pam: You're too busy signing wills and making out with the solution instead of using her. Eric: There isn't any way to use her. It won't work. Pam: We know Russell wants her. Give her to him to save your own skin. Eric: No. Pam: He's gonna get her anyway, sooner or later. Eric: No. I won't do that to her. Pam: You're cosing a human over yourself, Eric? Over me. Eric: Your lack of sentiment has always been your most admirable quality. Do not disappoint me now. Pam: You would have said and done anything to save Godric. I have no interest in inheriting your farm on Irlande. That place is a windy sh1t hole. If you're not gonna give him Sookie, at least figure out how to use her... and fast. (Elle part). Scene 25 : three male prostitutes on the street at night. A car arrives. A prostitute opens the door and climbs in. The prostitute: Hey, baby. Wasn't expecting you till later. Pull around the corner. (One of the other two prostitutes moves away a bit and pulls out a cigarette. Russell lights it for him) Man: Looking for something special tonight? Russell: Found it. (The man sees the urn containing the remains of Talbot in Russell's bag). Man: What kind of weird sh1t you into? Russell: I was looking to spend some quality time. Five hundred? Man: Bail costs a thousand. Russell: I'll give you more than you could ever dream of. (Russell shows his money). You got someplace we can go? Man: Yeah. (They go together). Scene 26 : Arlene and Holly in the Merlotte kitchen Holly puts food in a saucepan. Arlene arrives. Arlene: Remember when you said there are other ways of not being, uh, pregnant? (Holly nods). Can we talk about that? (Holly smiles) Scene 27 : Jessica and Tommy in the room at Merlotte There are several tables of customers. Tommy is being served at the table. He passes Jessica who is biting her nails leaning against a wall. Hoyt enters and heads towards her. Hoyt: You're a vampire who chews on her fingernails? Jessica: They grow back. Hoyt (approaching her): I love you. I wanna be with you for everything that you are. Jessica (dismissively): Oh, you're only saying that because all you see now is the quirky vampire girl who bites her nails. (Hoyt joins her). Hoyt: You're wrong. I broke up with Summer. I drove up to Caddo Lake, and I spent all day asking God to give me a reason why we can't be together. And a hush came over the water, and all the bugs stopped buzzing and it came to me. There is no reason. (Tommy stops work to listen). Jessica: Hoyt, if you knew half the sh1t I'd done. It's unimaginable. And I actually liked it. You don't wanna know that part of me. Hoyt: Well, if you don't wanna be with me because you don't love me, that's something else. But don't tell me what I want and what I don't want. That's my decision to make, and I want you. Tell me you don't love me. Look me straight in the eye and say it, and I'll leave you alone. (Jessica looks at him, saying nothing. Disappointed, Hoyt leaves by the front door. Tommy leaves in the other direction) A client (to his friends at a table): All right, y'all. See you later. Scene 28 : Tommy and Hoyt in front of Merlotte Tommy met Hoyt as he comes out. Tommy: Nice work in there, dude. (Hoyt punches Tommy in the face and walks away. Tommy turns into a dog and attacks. Hoyt falls. Jessica hears the noise outside and sees Hoyt and the dog). Jessica: Hoyt. (She takes the dog and disappears in the bushes) Hoyt: Ow. (She takes Hoyt in her arms, and sees that he has a significant injury to the arm. She bites her arm and presents it to Hoyt. so he can drink her blood but he does not want it) Jessica: Oh, Hoyt. I love you too. Now, drink my blood. (He drinks the blood. Tommy looks human again). Scene 29 : Bill and Jason He goes back in the house and gets his gun. Bill arrives quickly (vampyric). Bill (angrily): Where is she? Jason: She ain't with you? (Bill shakes his head)I've been looking everywhere, man. She's not answering her phone, nothing. She left a note. (Bill shows the note) Bill (angrily): You promised me you'd look after her ! Jason: Well, I did. But you know better than anyone, Sook's gonna do what Sook's gonna do. And ain't no man or brother's gonna stop her. Bill (edgy, facing Jason): You gave me your word, Jason. You have let me down. And now... Jason (angrily): Jesus f*ck ! (Jason takes Bill by his shirt collar and shakes him) You think I don't know that? Just shut your f*cking mouth ! And get out of my house ! (Bill looks worried) Yeah. Sookie told me how that works. I take back whatever invitation you got to come inside my f*cking house ! (Bill is forced out. Jason slams the door) m*therf*cker ! (He hears a noise in the room and goes to investigate. He sees a black panther. It's Crystal). Oh, mama. Scene 30 : Russell and prostitute in bed The prostitute is sitting on the bed. Russell put his head on his chest. Russell: I'm so sorry, Talbot. The prostitute: Tony. Russell: You're the strongest man I've ever known.You made use a home. You made us family. Tony: Yeah, it was a nice house. Russell: It was a home. Tony: Mm-hm. Russell: A haven. A refuge from all that madness. (Russell begins to cry. Tony sits on the edge of the bed and gets his pants. Russell gets a hold of him) Tony: I told you, extra 500 to bite me. (Russell pushes him against the wall. Tony is afraid). Ah ! Russell: Oh. Oh, brother. It's all my fault. I will never forgive myself that in end, you were so alone, with no one holding your hand. (He takes Tony's hand as he shows increasing fear) Your beautiful, beautiful hand. It is one thing to face eternity without you, but to have not been with you at the true death... (He takes a stake and thrusts it into Tony's torso) Talbot, you saved me from the world. From myself. I was a fool to trust him. And I am more sorry than I can ever say. (We see the face of Talbot instead of that of Tony. Russell embraces him). I'm so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye. Scene 31 : Bill in front of Sookie's house. Bill is looking for Sookie Scene 32 : Sookie and Eric at Fangtasia. Sookie turns around in Eric's office. He enters. Sookie: Where the hell have you been? Eric: I needed to think. Sookie: I'm not some kind of prisoner you can just lock up any time you feel like taking off. Eric: Actually, you are. (He takes her and puts her on his shoulder. She screams). Sookie: Let me go ! (She tries to hold on to the shelf, but Eric is stronger. At Sookie's, Bill senses Sookie's fear and leaves to find her. Eric descends to the basement with Sookie). I knew I shouldn't have trust you. Eric: You were right. Sookie: Let me go ! (He puts her down and puts a collar around her neck. She finds herself chained as Lafayette was at the beginning of season 2. Eric leaves). Sookie (screaming): Eric ! Eric ! End.
Plan: A: Bill; Q: Who does Sookie reveal she is part faerie to? A: Sookie; Q: Who confronts Eric about not trusting Bill? A: Eric; Q: Who detains Sookie? A: Pam; Q: Who does Eric leave his fortune to? A: Sam ponders; Q: What does Sam do about his past as a jewel thief? A: his dark past; Q: What does Sam ponder? A: Arlene; Q: Who struggles with what to do with her unborn child? A: Lafayette; Q: Who does Jess do V with? A: hallucinations; Q: What do Jess and Lafayette share about their grandparents? A: Jason; Q: Who confesses to Sookie that he killed Eggs? A: Tara; Q: Who does Jason have to tell about killing Eggs? A: Hoyt; Q: Who tells Jessica that he broke up with Summer? A: Russell; Q: Who stakes a prostitute who resembles Talbot? A: a male prostitute; Q: Who does Russell pick up to recreate Talbot's dying moments? A: goodbye; Q: What does Russell want to say to Talbot? A: Crystal; Q: Who reveals to Jason that she is a were-panther? Summary: Bill reveals to Sookie that she is part faerie . Eric makes a will, leaving his fortune to Pam. Sam ponders his dark past when he was a jewel thief. Arlene struggles with what to do with her unborn child. Jesús and Lafayette do V together and share hallucinations involving their grandparents. Jason confesses to Sookie that he killed Eggs, and then has to reveal it to Tara. Sookie confronts Eric about not trusting Bill. Hoyt tells Jessica that he broke up with Summer, and wants to be with her again. Russell picks up a male prostitute who resembles Talbot and stakes him to recreate his dying moments so he can say goodbye. Crystal reveals to Jason that she is a were-panther . Eric detains Sookie.
The Ambassadors of Death 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE (QUINLAN gets up and starts to back round the desk but the ASTRONAUT reaches up and kills the civil servant with a touch on the chest and a red flash of power. QUINLAN falls back across his desk.. The ASTRONAUT moves to a safe in the corner by the door. It touches the safe, there is an explosion and the door opens. It touches the top shelf and there is a flash. It then touches the lower shelf and there is a similar flash as the contents are destroyed. Suddenly the door opens and the DOCTOR enters, noticing QUINLAN, but not the ASTRONAUT behind the door.) DOCTOR: Sir James! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE (The ASTRONAUT comes up behind the DOCTOR, reaching for him. The DOCTOR sees the ASTRONAUT but its hand is too close for him to move. He cringes as its fingers come closer. The BRIGADIER enters the office, sees what is happening and pulls out his gun, firing several shots.) DOCTOR: No, don't! (The unharmed ASTRONAUT turns and heads for the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: Brigadier, don't try and stop him! (An armed soldier runs into the room.) DOCTOR: Keep back, man, keep back! (The warning is too late. The ASTRONAUT touches the soldier who is blasted to the wall by a touch and a red flare. The ASTRONAUT calmly leaves, closing the door behind him as the DOCTOR bends down to help the soldier. There is an explosion in the door handle. The BRIGADIER carefully tries the door but it has been welded shut.) DOCTOR: No, there's no point in trying to follow him, there's nothing we can do. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY LENNOX: Do you really think they're not human? LIZ: Well, I intend to find out! Do you know where Reegan's taken the third one? LENNOX: No. Don't ask so many questions... LIZ: (Interrupting.) Is Reegan in charge? LENNOX: No, he...he works for someone...someone high up. LIZ: He's got to be stopped. LENNOX: You won't get away again. LIZ: But you might. (LENNOX looks at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE (The door to the office has been opened and two UNIT soldiers stand on guard as the DOCTOR examines the safe. The BRIGADIER empties the contents of a small metal dish into his hand.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? (As the DOCTOR gets up, the BRIGADIER takes the objects over to him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Look at these bullets - flattened. (The DOCTOR takes them and holds one up for examination.) DOCTOR: Yes...deflected by some sort of force field, I should think. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: So there's no way of stopping them? DOCTOR: Not with bullets. (The door opens and SERGEANT BENTON enters and salutes.) SERGEANT BENTON: Strong radioactive trace as far as the road outside sir and then nothing. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Thank you Benton. (BENTON leaves.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: So, they were taken away in a vehicle. DOCTOR: Somebody's using these creatures, Brigadier. They're not free agents. (The DOCTOR places the bullets back in the metal dish.) DOCTOR: They were brought to Earth for some purpose. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Conquest? DOCTOR: Possibly...or is that we are supposed to think? [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (The returning ASTRONAUT walks down the stairs back into the laboratory watched by REEGAN who operates the control device, transmitting instructions. The AMBASSADOR turns to face the booth where its fellows wait.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR is in the semi-deserted control room at Space Control with RALPH CORNISH, studying plans for the rocket launch.) DOCTOR: What's the rate of fuel consumption? RALPH CORNISH: For the first two and a half minutes - fifteen tons per second. We, er, have to use a mixture of standard fuel and the new M3 variant. DOCTOR: Has that ever been done before? RALPH CORNISH: No...we can't get enough of the standard fuel in time. DOCTOR: Hasn't the death of Sir James Quinlan made things any easier for you? RALPH CORNISH: Harder. (A female CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT passes him a paper.) RALPH CORNISH: Thank you. (She walks off and CORNISH goes over to his desk.) RALPH CORNISH: Everything's wrapped up in red tape until they appoint a successor. (CORNISH looks over the paper.) RALPH CORNISH: Oh, this is your medical report, Doctor. (The DOCTOR looks slightly panicked.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, don't let's bother about that for the time being. RALPH CORNISH: Oh, this is incredible. According to this, you... DOCTOR: (Interrupting and embarrassed.) Yes... (Coughs.) Yes, I know, I...I told you everything would be all right. (CORNISH looks at him in puzzlement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (Within the booth, one of the ASTRONAUT'S collapses onto the floor. LENNOX enters in a radiation suit, unpacks another isotope and places it in its holder. He leaves the booth as another of REEGAN'S heavies - FLYNN - closes the door behind him. LIZ turns accusingly to REEGAN who wears his own radiation suit.) LIZ: What've you done to it? REEGAN: It's had a busy time. (LENNOX takes the hood of his suit off.) LENNOX: Busy? Doing what? REEGAN: Killing. (He sits as LIZ stands over him.) LIZ: Who's been killed? REEGAN: Some of your friends from UNIT. LIZ: (Panicked.) The Brigadier? REEGAN: No, I'm afraid not. Just some of the other ranks. LENNOX: What happened? (An excited REEGAN points to the booth.) REEGAN: One touch from him and down they go! LIZ: And no one resisted? REEGAN: They tried. Bullets just bounce off them. With these three you could do anything - walk into Fort Knox and help yourself. LIZ: Well, that's what you're going to do with them is it? REEGAN: I might! (He gets up.) REEGAN: Keep feeding them radiation - I've got a lot more work for him to do. (To FLYNN.) Tony? (FLYNN comes over to him.) REEGAN: Lock that main door then come through and see me. (REEGAN goes through the lower door and FLYNN goes up the stairs to the outside. LIZ turns to LENNOX.) LIZ: Well, you're working for a murderer. LENNOX: (Dismissive.) Doh, Reegan was just boasting. LIZ: You don't believe that. LENNOX: Look, it's got nothing to do with me, Miss Shaw. I'm paid to look after them! LIZ: You are just as guilty as if you killed those people yourself. (LENNOX tries to turn away from her but she just walks round to stare him in the face.) LIZ: Well? What are you going to do about it? LENNOX: What can I do? I'm too much involved! LIZ: You could go to UNIT and tell them where we are. LENNOX: Reegan would kill me! LIZ: Go to Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart, he'll give you protective custody- you'll be safe. LENNOX: Anyway, I can't leave here now. Reegan's taken away my key to that door. LIZ: Then you'll just have to talk your way out. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (GENERAL CARRINGTON appears on the upper level of the control room at Space Control. The DOCTOR and CORNISH are still at the latter's desk.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: I understand you're going ahead with launching this rocket. RALPH CORNISH: Yes. GENERAL CARRINGTON: I absolutely forbid it! RALPH CORNISH: You haven't the authority to forbid it, General. DOCTOR: What have you got against it? (CARRINGTON walks down to the lower level.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: Sir James Quinlan murdered, alien creatures attacking the Space Centre, the sudden death of Doctor Taltalian - this is obviously just the beginning. RALPH CORNISH: The beginning of what? GENERAL CARRINGTON: An alien invasion with the collaboration of a foreign power. DOCTOR: All the more reason for me to go up in that rocket and find out what's happened up there. GENERAL CARRINGTON: Are you a trained astronaut, sir? RALPH CORNISH: He's perfectly capable of making the trip. I have his medical report here. (CORNISH lays the report before CARRINGTON.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: You haven't answered my question, Doctor. DOCTOR: You haven't answered mine: why are you opposed to this launch? GENERAL CARRINGTON: Could this rocket carry a nuclear warhead? RALPH CORNISH: Yes. GENERAL CARRINGTON: Then that's what it should be used for. DOCTOR: Since we don't know what's up there, wouldn't it be more intelligent to carry a man rather than a bomb? GENERAL CARRINGTON: I might remind you gentlemen that I am responsible for Space Security. RALPH CORNISH: And I am responsible for this Space Centre. GENERAL CARRINGTON: (Angrily.) This launch was against the expressed wishes of Sir James Quinlan. DOCTOR: Then I suggest you take the matter up with his successor - when he's been appointed. (He walks off. CARRINGTON turns to CORNISH.) GENERAL CARRINGTON: I shall go to the highest authority to have you stopped. RALPH CORNISH: Then you'd better get on with it, General. We blast off in two hours time. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (The collapsed ASTRONAUT starts to get to its feet. LIZ and LENNOX are watching through the booth window.) LENNOX: It's recovering. LIZ: So Reegan can commit more murders? (LENNOX turns guiltily away.) LIZ: You're the only one who can stop it. You'll have to get a message out. LENNOX: You know that's impossible. LIZ: There's the telephone - you're allowed to use it. LENNOX: All calls are monitored. LIZ: Then you'll have to go yourself. (At that moment, FLYNN comes in the upper door and starts to come down the stairs. He looks with suspicion at LIZ and LENNOX who are back at the console.) LIZ: (To LENNOX: Quietly.) You want to see Reegan. Tell him the isotopes are running low and we've got to get some more. LENNOX: He won't believe me... LIZ: (Harshly.) Try! (LENNOX collects himself and goes over to where FLYNN is sitting at the desk, reading a newspaper.) LENNOX: I...I want to see Mr. Reegan. It's urgent. FLYNN: It'll have to wait. REEGAN: I said it's urgent! FLYNN: He's in London. Meeting with the Boss. LIZ: These creatures are dying! (FLYNN gets up peers through the booth window. The ASTRONAUTS are walking slowly round the room.) FLYNN: How can you tell? LIZ: Look at the readings, you can see for yourself... (FLYNN walks round to the console and looks over it uncomprehendingly.) LENNOX: Er, This dial here... (He points to a lifeless dial.) LENNOX: ...it should be at maximum. FLYNN: Why didn't you tell Reegan this before? LIZ: It's only just happened - we don't understand it. LENNOX: We're running out of Isotopes. I've got to go and get more. FLYNN: No-one is to leave here! LIZ: Then you'll be responsible if they die. (FLYNN hesitates, then makes up his mind crossing back to the table with the phone.) FLYNN: I'll call Reegan on the phone. LIZ: There isn't time for that. LENNOX: I've got to go now or it'll be too late. Look here, I'm not a prisoner here! FLYNN: Reegan took your key away. LENNOX: Yes, but that was because the girl tried to escape. You're supposed to be guarding her not me! (Angrily.) Now, open that door! (FLYNN looks at the two of them, then moves towards the stairs. LENNOX follows. FLYNN unlocks the door and LENNOX goes through.) LENNOX: I'll be back as soon as I can - keep an eye on that girl. (Back in the lab, LIZ smiles as LENNOX leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Fuel injection report: forty percent now loaded. (The report carries across the room from a speaker.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Will switch to M3 variant at sixty-five percent. RALPH CORNISH: Fuel injection report acknowledged. MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Communications circuit check, now underway - everything go condition. (The DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER stand before CORNISH'S desk.) RALPH CORNISH: Time you were in the preparation room, Doctor. DOCTOR: Right. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Why've you advanced lift-off time? DOCTOR: Well, there seems to be some sort of official opposition to my going. General Carrington's trying to stop the launch. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Is he? FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Astronaut now due in preparation chamber. DOCTOR: Right, I must be off. (The male CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT walks over.) MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: There's a call for you, Brigadier. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh, thank you (The BRIGADIER picks up a wall phone.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Lethbridge Stewart? [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. UNIT HQ. ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) It's Sergeant Benton here, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes, Benton? [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. UNIT HQ. ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) A man called Lennox has just turned up out of the blue - very agitated. Says he knows something about the missing astronauts. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) What did he tell you? [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. UNIT HQ. ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Nothing sir. Said he'll only talk to you in person. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The BRIGADIER considers this...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) What do you make of him, Benton? [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. UNIT HQ. ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) He seems frightened. Scared out of his wits. He wants us to put him into protective custody. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Put him into one of the cells. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. UNIT HQ. ROOM SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Shall I tell him you're coming back to see him, sir? [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes, but I've got to finish my security checks here. I'll be back as soon as possible. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. UNIT HQ. CORRIDOR (BENTON escorts LENNOX down a corridor to a door which he unlocks and opens. LENNOX walks in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. UNIT HQ. CELL (LENNOX looks round in dismay.) LENNOX: You're putting me in here? SERGEANT BENTON: Look sir, you wanted protective custody. You can't be safer than in a cell. (LENNOX looks towards the barred window.) LENNOX: What's out there? SERGEANT BENTON: It's just the yard, sir. What are you so frightened of? LENNOX: I...I can only tell the Brigadier - how long will he be? SERGEANT BENTON: He'll be back as soon as he can, sir. I'll get you a cup of tea and something to read. LENNOX: No...no thank you. (BENTON goes to leave.) LENNOX: Er, Lock the door, won't you? (BENTON smiles as if humouring the little man.) SERGEANT BENTON: Yes sir, I'll lock the door. (He leaves, locking the door as promised.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: Report on Astronaut readiness please. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Astronaut ready. Now proceeding through quarantine area to capsule. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SPACE CONTROL. QUARANTINE WAITING ROOM (The BRIGADIER is pacing about a room which is stylish and modern with a couple of couches around the walls. Venetian blind cover a large picture window. A set of double doors open and the DOCTOR enters, wearing a spacesuit.) DOCTOR: Hello, Brigadier, what are you doing here? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I thought I'd see you off. They told me to wait here. DOCTOR: What is this place? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Some sort of waiting room I imagine - in case there's any hold-up for the astronauts. DOCTOR: Not very impressive for one's last sight of Earth, is it? FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Astronaut to proceed now to capsule. (The BRIGADIER holds out his hand.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well goodbye, Doctor - good luck. (They shake hands.) DOCTOR: Goodbye Brigadier - and thank you. (Two silver doors slide open. The DOCTOR walks through and they close behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (An angry REEGAN has returned to the lab.) REEGAN: I told you no one was to leave here. FLYNN: But he said they were dying. REEGAN: How would you know? FLYNN: Well, she said so too. (FLYNN nods towards LIZ. REEGAN crosses over to her.) REEGAN: So, you put him up to this. (He grabs her by the arm and twists her round.) REEGAN: There's nothing wrong with them! LIZ: We thought they were dying. REEGAN: The readings haven't changed since I left. Where's he gone? LIZ: He's gone to get more Isotopes. REEGAN: You're lying! (He takes a gun out of his suit pocket.) REEGAN: Did you send him to see your friends at UNIT? (He jams gun up under LIZ'S chin.) REEGAN: (Shouts.) Answer me! LIZ: All right. He's gone to see Lethbridge Stewart. You're too late. REEGAN: Don't you believe it. (He thrusts LIZ over to FLYNN.) REEGAN: (To FLYNN.) Watch her! FLYNN: (To LIZ.) Don't try anything. LIZ: (Calmly.) It's all right. I won't hurt you. (REEGAN is on the phone.) REEGAN: (Into phone.) Give me the direct line. (He pauses.) This is Reegan, listen we're in trouble! Lennox has gone to UNIT. (He listens.) All right, you take care of Lennox, I'll take care of the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Fuel injection report - fifty percent loaded. RALPH CORNISH: Fuel injection report acknowledged. (Into microphone.) Control to capsule, have you completed your instrument check? [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. RECOVERY 7 (The DOCTOR is strapped into his seat, hands behind his head and bored. The capsule is at an angle.) DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, everything seems to be working all right. RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Capsule reports...is from systems at go. (The DOCTOR sighs.) DOCTOR: How much longer have I got to wait in here? RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy, portentously.) We are now zero minus thirty - three-zero minutes. DOCTOR: I take it you mean half an hour. How's the fuel situation? RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) We now have fifty - five-o percent inboard switch to the M3 variant at sixty-five percent. DOCTOR: Well, can't you hurry it up? [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: We can't hurry the M3 variant. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. RECOVERY 7 RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) It's highly volatile. DOCTOR: Well, I still think you could add a higher proportion of M3. And remember the extra G-force wouldn't worry me. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: It would worry you if the rocket blew up on lift off. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. RECOVERY 7 (The DOCTOR nods in agreement.) DOCTOR: Ahh. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: I'm not taking the risk. [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. SPACE CENTRE. FUEL BAY (The sign reads "SPACE CONTROL CENTRE, FUEL BAY, NO SMOKING, NO NAKED LIGHTS, DANGER". Two guards pass by and a UNIT soldier - PRIVATE PARKER watches them go. He turns and sees REEGAN, dressed in cap and overalls and carrying a bag, approaching towards him past the myriad number of pipes and containers.) PRIVATE PARKER: (To REEGAN.) And where do you think you're going? REEGAN: They want me at fuel control; there's a breakdown. PRIVATE PARKER: That's news to me. Where's your pass (REEGAN reaches in his pocket and hands over a piece of paper. As PARKER looks at it, REEGAN jabs him in the stomach and then thumps him on the head. He picks up the unconscious body and carries it around the corner, out of sight. He returns, checks that the coast is clear and then clambers up a ladder. Along the walkway, he sees a TECHNICIAN in a radiation suit on a slightly lower level. REEGAN quietly climbs down a short wooden ladder to the lower level. The TECHNICIAN sees him and goes for REEGAN who, from the ladder, kicks him over a railing. The TECHNICIAN hits the ground with a thump. REEGAN goes back up the higher walkway. Some way along, he checks that that coast is clear, runs, then climbs several stairwells to an even higher level. Near the top, he starts turning a control wheel. His task done, he leaves the immediate area.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Life support systems check - all at go. RALPH CORNISH: Life support systems at go - acknowledged FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Attention: fuel injection malfunction. RALPH CORNISH: Control to fuel bay! (The dial on the monitor suddenly drops to "0%".) RALPH CORNISH: Check all fuel injection circuits! [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. RECOVERY 7 DOCTOR: Now what's the matter? RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy, calmly.) Temporary fuel injection malfunction, we're...checking it out. [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Fuel injection systems now functioning normally. RALPH CORNISH: All right, Doctor, it's self-rectified. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. SPACE CENTRE. FUEL BAY (REEGAN runs up more steps. A radiation-suited technician turns a corner. REEGAN holds on to a wall and rail for support and kicks the technician to the ground. He runs on. He gets to a storage tank labelled "M3 VARIANT" and turns more control wheels which lead into various tanks and pipes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. UNIT HQ. CELL (LENNOX is asleep on the bunk in his cell. A soldier enters with a covered tray.) SOLDIER: I've brought you some food. LENNOX: Oh, thank you. (He gets off the bunk and goes to the table.) LENNOX: Er, lock the door, won't you? SOLDIER: Yes, I will. (The soldier pulls the door to...) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. UNIT HQ. CORRIDOR (...turning the key in the lock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. UNIT HQ. CELL (LENNOX sits down to eat. He removes cover over the plate to reveal a radioactive isotope! LENNOX gasps, backs away in terror and runs for the alarm button just as...) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. UNIT HQ. CORRIDOR (...the "soldier" cuts the wiring away from the alarm bell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. UNIT HQ. CELL (LENNOX presses the button but to not avail.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. SPACE CENTRE (The BRIGADIER is being driven around the Centre in a jeep. He comes to a barrier which raises and he passes on under the salutes of two UNIT soldiers. The jeep passes on down a road within the Centre which is surrounded by pipes. The BRIGADIER sits up as he sees PRIVATE PARKER holding his injured head. The jeep stops next to the soldier.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What happened? PRIVATE PARKER: The mechanic hit me. He's...he's gone to the fuel bay. (The BRIGADIER jumps out of the jeep and rushes into the mass of pipe-works. He runs up some ladders and steps. He stops as he sees steam pouring from a pipe. He turns and runs back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Final check completed, all systems now go. RALPH CORNISH: You all set, Doctor? Lift-off - fifteen seconds. [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. RECOVERY 7 DOCTOR: About time too. [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: Right. Final countdown - now! MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Ten...nine...eight... [SCENE_BREAK] 47: EXT. SPACE CONTROL. LAUNCH PAD (The rocket, with the capsule at the top, sits on the launch pad.) MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) ...seven... [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. RECOVERY 7 MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) ...six...five... [SCENE_BREAK] 49: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) ...four... (The BRIGADIER runs into the room.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Shouts.) Stop the countdown! MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) ...three...two...one... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Controller you must stop lift-off!! MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) ...Zero. [SCENE_BREAK] 50: EXT. SPACE CONTROL. LAUNCH PAD (The rocket starts to lift off the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 51: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: It's too late! [SCENE_BREAK] 52: EXT. SPACE CONTROL. LAUNCH PAD (The silver and orange rocket, decorated with the Union Jack and with the registration "GB.UK.R" continues its upward course.) [SCENE_BREAK] 53: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) We have lift off. We have lift off. [SCENE_BREAK] 54: EXT. UPPER ATMOSPHERE (The rocket accelerates...) [SCENE_BREAK] 55: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR'S face on the screen is heavily distorted by g-force.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Lift-off speed: twenty percent in excess and rising. RALPH CORNISH: Reduce fuel burn rate. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Sabotage in the fuel bay. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Fuel burn rate will not reduce MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Computer calculates fuel burn rate indicates forty-eight percent ... RALPH CORNISH: (Horrified.) Forty-eight Percent! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Why? What will happen? RALPH CORNISH: Reduce flame apertures! (To the BRIGADIER.) In twenty percent in excess of planned lift-off speed, he'll blow himself out of Earth's orbit - go into the sun. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Apertures will not close on automatic owing to excessive heat. (CORNISH hears this report.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Lift-off speed now thirty percent in excess. (The DOCTOR'S image is on the large monitor. CORNISH speaks to him.) RALPH CORNISH: Can you operate manual control on flame aperture to reduce speed? (There is a beep but the DOCTOR doesn't move.) RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, do you read me? DOCTOR: (On monitor, strained.) I can hear you...g-force...hard to break. RALPH CORNISH: Can you operate manual control? DOCTOR: (On monitor, strained.) I'll try. FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Lift off speed now thirty-seven percent in excess MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Computer calculates capsule will go into sun orbit in fifteen minutes. RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, are the controls responding? DOCTOR: (On monitor, strained.) No, there's no response. Must be an excess heat. Can you jettison stage one prematurely? RALPH CORNISH: If we do that you may never get into orbit at all. DOCTOR: (On monitor, strained.) If you jettison stage one, there's a chance the excess momentum will put me into orbit. RALPH CORNISH: A very thin chance. DOCTOR: (On monitor, strained.) Better than going into orbit round the sun. Please jettison stage one now. RALPH CORNISH: Jettison stage one now! FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: Stage one now jettisoned. MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Radar check - stage one exploded immediately after separation. [SCENE_BREAK] 56: INT. RECOVERY 7 (The DOCTOR'S face and voice have returned to normal.) DOCTOR: Thank you Mr. Cornish, I'm very much obliged. [SCENE_BREAK] 57: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Speed now reducing to normal. Stage two: fifteen seconds to separation. DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Well, that seems to have done it. What went wrong Mr. Cornish? RALPH CORNISH: Sabotage, Doctor. Too much M3 variant in the fuel. DOCTOR: (On monitor.) They're very persistent aren't they? MALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Stage two jettisoned. RALPH CORNISH: Thirty second burn on stage three rocket...and you'll be in orbit. [SCENE_BREAK] 58: SPACE (The capsule hangs in space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 59: INT. RECOVERY 7 RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Control to Capsule: do you have visual contact yet? DOCTOR: If you mean, can I see it? (He looks out of the capsule window.) DOCTOR: Well, the answer is no. [SCENE_BREAK] 60: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: You are within half a mile of Mars Probe 7 and converging. Change attitude of capsule three degrees to starboard - now. (There is no movement from the DOCTOR on the monitor.) RALPH CORNISH: Change attitude of capsule three degrees to starboard now! [SCENE_BREAK] 61: INT. RECOVERY 7 DOCTOR: (Calmly.) All right, all right - more haste less speed, Mr. Cornish. (He makes the adjustment.) [SCENE_BREAK] 62: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (The BRIGADIER and CORNISH watch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 63: SPACE (The capsules move together.) [SCENE_BREAK] 64: INT. RECOVERY 7 (The DOCTOR looks up through one of the windows.) DOCTOR: I see it. I see it! Manoeuvring for linkup now. (He reaches for a control.) [SCENE_BREAK] 65: SPACE (Recovery 7 bears down on the Mars Probe. The two craft link.) [SCENE_BREAK] 66: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (CORNISH observes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 67: INT. RECOVERY 7 DOCTOR: Well, I've linked up all right. Moving through into Mars Probe 7 now. (He starts to unbuckle himself from his seat.) [SCENE_BREAK] 68: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, be careful. We don't really now what's in there. [SCENE_BREAK] 69: INT. RECOVERY 7 (The DOCTOR floats towards the hatch.) DOCTOR: Nonsense man! Your three astronauts are in there. Injecting air into the tunnel now [SCENE_BREAK] 70: INT. SPACE CONTROL. MAIN CONTROL ROOM (CORNISH is about to say something, but...) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Large unidentified object converging with Mars Probe 7 on collision course.. (On the radar screen, a large light approaches the smaller light of the two linked craft.) FEMALE CONTROL ROOM ASSISTANT: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Estimated speed: seven thousand miles per hour, but decreasing. RALPH CORNISH: Doctor, a large unidentified object is approaching you on collision course! [SCENE_BREAK] 71: INT. RECOVERY 7 RALPH CORNISH: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Take evasive action! (The DOCTOR looks through the various windows but cannot see anything. Suddenly through one window, he sees the object - a large shining alien craft, shaped like an ellipse and organic in look, nears the two linked craft...)
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who decides to take Recovery 7 back into space to search for the missing astronauts? A: Reegan; Q: Who sabotages the launch of Recovery 7? Summary: The Doctor decides to take Recovery 7 back into space to search for the missing astronauts but Reegan sabotages the launch.
Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends. [A montage of scenes from The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.] Ross: I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore. Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you've got a girlfriend? Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it's not, it's not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, (goes to the door) let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens the door) Rachel: No. A break from us. (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.] Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don't want to take a break. Ross: (on the phone) I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work on this? Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross: Who's that? Rachel: Nobody. Ross: Is that Mark? Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to.... Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone) [Scene: The Philly.] Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? 'Cause that's okay. [Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.] The Next Morning [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.] Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: How's the big anniversary dinner? Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner. Monica: Ohhh, nice. Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead. Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.) Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it's on the ceiling. Monica: That's okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?! Rachel: Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross left Mark came over. Monica: Oh no!! Rachel: No. Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?! Rachel: No, no-no, it's okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work. [Scene: Ross's Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed and puts the covers over his head.] Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning! (Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.) Opening Credits [Scene: Ross's Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.] Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it's me. I've been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid. Ross: Yeah!! Rachel: Eh, I'm just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don't want to get back together over a machine. Ross: Na-huh. Rachel: So, I love you. Ross: I love you. Rachel: And y'know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna stop by around 8:30. Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.) Rachel: Bye. (Ross finds a clock, sees it's almost 8:30, and silently screams.) Ross: Chloe, Chloe how's it coming?!! Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get? Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don't know. How about a big one? Chloe: But my apartment is so... Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let's, we kinda have to get going! Chloe: Wait! Where's my shoes? Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a shoe) Chloe: Do I know why we're rushing? Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He's frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That's so great for you guys! Ross: Yeah! Chloe: You must be so happy! Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I'm feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat) Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!! Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross: Yes, you can, very much. (Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.) Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling? Monica: Oh, there's banana on it. Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine. Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head) Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail. Monica: Oh, good. Thanks. Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec? Monica: Okay, all right don't judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing.... Phoebe: Waxine!! Monica: Yes! Have you seen it? Phoebe: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl. Monica: I know!! Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn't hurt? 'Cause how can they do that? Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest! Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.] Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God! Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh? Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I'm in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel's all like, 'I love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I can think about is, 'What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I tell her what I did. Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you? Ross: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other? Joey: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble. Chandler: He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just gonna hurt her. Joey: Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild. Ross: Yeah, but don't you think.... Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for. Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the footrest extended.) Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail? Ross: What trail? Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail! Ross: Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail. Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac's sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe's friends with Rachel. And that's the trail, I did it! [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.] Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one, Monica: Did that! Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 'easy grab tab' and pull it off in one quick pain free motion. Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh! Phoebe: Was it not pain-free? Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax. Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't seem to think it's that bad. Monica: That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest. Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!! Monica: Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips? [Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.] Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi.. Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch? Ross: You took my watch? Chloe: I'm sorry, I do that. Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us? Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's business, y'know. Ross: Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to Issac right? Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything. Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't actually met... Issac: You dog! Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend. Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place. Ross: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to hurt her. Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how much we love 'em, monogamy is too cruel a rule. Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself? Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We're the same, you and me. Ross: Actually, no, we're not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross: No, we're not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross: No, we're not!! Issac: Okay, we're not. Ross: Right. Issac: But, we are. Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you're not gonna tell your sister. Issac: I can promise not to tell her again. [Scene: Phoebe's Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.] Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine? Jasmine: Uh-huh. Ross: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller. Jasmine: You did a bad thing! Ross: Yes, I did. Jasmine: Very bad! Ross: Very bad. Jasmine: Very, very bad. Ross: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet? Jasmine: No. Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay? Jasmine: All right. Ross: Thank you, thank you. Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too. Ross: (angrily) Who's your roommate? [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.] Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to? (Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.] Monica: Ow! Phoebe: Oh!! Monica: Ow!! Ow!! Phoebe: Ow!!! Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow! (Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.) Phoebe: We're all right. Monica: It's okay, it's okay. Phoebe: We're all right. Monica: We were just waxing our legs. Chandler: Off?!! Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience. Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely. Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax. Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey's arm and puts a strip on it.) Chandler: Oh, that's mature. Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: That's right. (Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.) [Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.] Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!! [Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the living room.] Rachel: I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you right now! Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing, nothing. Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay. Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about? Ross: Rachel? [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Just get away from me! Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay? Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?! [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?! [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Ross, you had s*x with another woman! [Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.] Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk.... Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us?! Chandler: (to Joey) He has s*x, and we get hit in our heads. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross: No!! Rachel: Just get out! Now!! Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she? [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: Uh-oh. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: What? Rachel: Was she good? [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Don't answer that. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it!! How was she? Ross: She was... [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Awful! Horrible! Chandler: She was not good. Not good. Joey: She was nothing compared to you. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: She, she was different. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Ewwwww! Chandler: Uh-oh. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: Good different? Ross: Nobody likes change. (Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.) Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Phoebe: Should we do something? Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can't answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?! (Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.) Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me! Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!! (She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica's door, they all jump back at the sound.) Ross: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up. Rachel: We were on a break! Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up. Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality? Ross: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead! Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake! [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Y'know what, I don't think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door) Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can't go out there. Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I'm hungry. Monica: Because they'll know we've been listening. [Cut to Living Room] Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!! Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn't happen! Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about. Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we're never leaving, ever. [Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they're all still trapped in Monica's bedroom.] Phoebe: Hi, it's Phoebe. Listen someone's gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, 'cause it's like 9:15 now, and I'm not there. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Don't you realise none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you weren't having s*x with Mark? Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me? Ross: (pause) Yes I would. Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me? Ross: (less sure) Yes. Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were.... Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it's, I mean it's you. [Cut to Monica's bedroom] All: Ohhhhh! [Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.] Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you're thinking? Rachel: I'm thinking, I'm gonna order a pizza. Ross: Order a pizza like, 'I forgive you?' (She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.) [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he is trying to send a telepathic message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza. Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No, not the used wax. Chandler: Because that would be crazy? [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I'm kinda hungry myself. Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. Ross: No anchovies. Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies. Ross: That's okay, I'll just pick 'em off. Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? [Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there's one piece left.] Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want. Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone. [Cut to Monica's bedroom, they're all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe, don't like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like: 'Hey, that's not so bad.'] Phoebe: They're gonna get through this, aren't they? Chandler: Yeah, come on, it's Ross and Rachel, they've got too. Monica: What if they don't? (Long pause.) Joey: You think I need a new walk? Chandler: What? Joey: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk. Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? [Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.] Ross: What, now you're not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't cheat right, I, that's not me, I'm not Joey! [Cut to Monica's bedroom] Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a 'come on' look.) Yeah, okay. Monica: Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am. Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved. [Cut to Living Room] Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I'm-I'm not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You're the one that bailed on us. You're the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough! Rachel: That's.... Ross: That's what?! Rachel: That is neither here nor there. Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can't see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much. (He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just before he kisses her on the lips....) Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don't! You can't just kiss me and think you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't work that way. It doesn't just make it better. Okay? Ross: Okay, okay, okay. Rachel: (softly) I think you should go. Ross: What? Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now. Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past it together... Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know! Ross: Look, look, there's got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and.... Rachel: (crying) No. I can't, you're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing with her, I can't, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It's just changed, everything. Forever. [We see the rest of them are now crying.] Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean. (Pause) Rachel: Then how come it is? Closing Credits [Scene: Monica's bedroom.] Phoebe: They've been quiet for a long time. Joey: Maybe she killed him? Chandler: Let's go. [Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye, and start to walk quietly out, as Monica goes and puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he goes.] Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your new walk? Joey: (whispering) No, I really have to pee.
Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who calls Ross the next morning to get back together? A: Ross; Q: Who is desperate for forgiveness? A: Chloe; Q: Who did Ross try to cover up his tryst with? A: his apartment; Q: Where did Ross rush Chloe out of before Rachel arrived? A: the truth; Q: What does Rachel discover from Gunther? A: a huge fight; Q: What happens when Rachel and Ross discover the truth? A: Monica's bedroom; Q: Where do the other four friends listen to the fight between Rachel and Ross? A: the relationship; Q: What does Rachel end when she refuses to forgive Ross? Summary: Rachel calls Ross the next morning saying she wants to get back together. Ross rushes Chloe out of his apartment before Rachel arrives, then frantically runs around trying to cover up the trail leading to his and Chloe's tryst. Rachel discovers the truth (from Gunther), and she and Ross have a huge fight as the other four friends listen in from Monica's bedroom. Ross is desperate for forgiveness, but Rachel refuses and ends the relationship, leaving both devastated.
OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The four Gilmores are seated at the table. The maid serves dinner.] LORELAI: Don't tell me this is what it looks like. EMILY: It's escargot. LORELAI: Ugh. That's what it looks like. RORY: Snails? EMILY: Escargot. LORELAI: Slimy thing by any other name... RICHARD: They taste like garlic and butter. LORELAI: Don't say "they." Food should not have pronouns. RICHARD: Give it a try. LORELAI: But if I do and we're having road kill for the main course, then I will already have used up my allotment of gross-out food for the day, so I'll abstain. RICHARD: I guess we should strike escargot off the list of Friday night dinner foods. EMILY: Sweetie loved escargot. That's funny how we remember those things. RICHARD: Hm. LORELAI: Sweetie? RORY: Sweetie who? EMILY: Sweetie Nelson, one of my oldest friends. She passed away yesterday. RORY: Oh, I'm sorry, Grandma. LORELAI: Yeah, I've heard you mention her. RORY: Was she sick? EMILY: She'd been ill for some time, but still... RICHARD: The family is pretty overwhelmed. EMILY: By the way, Davis called late today. The funeral is going to be Sunday. LORELAI: Was that her real name -- Sweetie? EMILY: No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname. LORELAI: Why? EMILY: What do you mean, why? LORELAI: I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda? EMILY: They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname. LORELAI: Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something. EMILY: She was sweet. That's the story. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: She had a very sweet nature. LORELAI: Hm. EMILY: Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai? LORELAI: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story. EMILY: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you? LORELAI: Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's -- EMILY: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man -- so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that? LORELAI: Now, that was a pretty good story. RICHARD: I'm sorry, Emily, did you say the funeral is Sunday? EMILY: Yes. Is that a problem? RICHARD: Well, Mr. Hamoto is in town, and Jason has set up golf for him, and then there's lunch after that. What time is the service? EMILY: Noon. RICHARD: Oh, noon. That's cutting it very close. How important is it for me to be at the funeral? EMILY: Not important at all. RICHARD: Well, fine, then. Be sure to give them my condolences. EMILY: Of course. Eat your food. LORELAI: [Gasps] I think one of them is still alive. EMILY: Lorelai! LORELAI: No, seriously. He was over near the radish like five minutes ago. [Opening Credits] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lane is serving customers.] KIRK: This doesn't smell right. LANE: Smells fine, Kirk. KIRK: I think the eggs were bad. LANE: The eggs are fine, Kirk. KIRK: Were they cooked in the fish pan? They smell like they were cooked in the fish pan. LANE: No, the eggs were not cooked in the fish pan. They were cooked in the egg pan. KIRK: Was the fish pan sitting next to the egg pan? Because perhaps - [Lorelai walks in the door.] LORELAI: I need something with cheese! KIRK: Lorelai, smell my eggs. LORELAI: Not today, Kirk. Hey, where's Luke? I want him to make that breakfast quesadilla thing he made yesterday. LANE: Luke's not here. LORELAI: Where is he? He knows the exact right jack-to-cheddar ratio. KIRK: He's out there. [Kirk points out the window.] LORELAI: Where? KIRK: Over there with Nicole. LORELAI: Oh, looks like a serious talk. KIRK: And there have been zero light moments. LORELAI: I wish I knew what they were talking about. KIRK: Oh, I can tell you what they're saying. LORELAI: How? KIRK: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going at the same time. Okay, she just said, "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars." LORELAI: Kirk, that doesn't make any sense. KIRK: Must mean they're on to us and they've switched to some sort of code. LORELAI: I don't think they're speaking in code. KIRK: Oh, I think Luke's heading back. He just got up and said, "Feel your taters." LORELAI: Is it possible he said, "I'll see you later?" KIRK: No, I'm pretty sure about this one. LANE: Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs. KIRK: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy. CUT TO YALE NEWSROOM RORY: You've got to be kidding. DOYLE: I certainly am not kidding. This is serious. RORY: It's not plagiarism. DOYLE: Hey! Do you also like to shout "fire" in a crowded theater? This is a newsroom. Do not use the "p" word. RORY: Every single word in my piece was written by me. DOYLE: Was it? Look at this. "Small band of followers." "Rain-soaked highway." I've seen both of those before. RORY: Of course you've seen them before. Those are phrases used to talk about a small band of followers or, you know, a rain-soaked highway. They're not even clichés like "shouting fire in a crowded theater." DOYLE: I'm sorry, can you say "Stephen Glass?" The entire climate of journalistic ethics is under a microscope right now. We can't afford anything that looks shady. I'd rather not have Tobey Maguire playing me in a movie about the Yale Daily News scandal, thank you very much. RORY: I get that, but I don't think my "rain-soaked highway" looks shady. DOYLE: [Scoffs] Typical. It's your attitude. RORY: What attitude? DOYLE: Look around this room. People writing their anthro papers on our computers, people Xeroxing their phone bills on our copy machines. No one's running, no one's sweating. Every single person in this room looks extremely well-rested. No one spell-checks. No one fact-checks. This is the breeding ground for the next Jayson Blair! Fix it. And tidy up your desk! [Doyle stomps away.] GLENN: And my month is up. RORY: What? GLENN: You're the new dog to kick around here. I feel bad, 'cause you tend to be a pretty decent person, but my nose has been whacked with a newspaper so many times this month, it almost makes me miss my mother. RORY: Doyle's just in a bad mood, that's all. DOYLE: "Herd mentality?" Are you freaking kidding me?! GLENN: Welcome to the dollhouse. CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at the table going over paperwork. Michel is seated on the floor in front of the TV.] LORELAI: Michel, come on, we've got to get into these budgets. SOOKIE: Now. MICHEL: Does the red light mean it's programmed? SOOKIE: I explained it a hundred times. LORELAI: Michel, you've been setting that machine for 20 minutes now. SOOKIE: The man can't live without his dog show. MICHEL: Ugh. I could just kill my cable provider. "No Westminster dog show, but please enjoy Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 24 hours a day." Ah, there, it's recording. LORELAI: Well, get over here. MICHEL: I just want to see the Chows. [Laughs] Look at that one strut. [Baby talk to the TV.] You know you're a pretty girl, don't you? Yes, with those "I need some loving" eyes. SOOKIE: Is he doing tricks? LORELAI: It sounds like they're turning them. [Lorelai's cell phone rings.] Hello. EMILY: Lorelai, it's me. Do you have a moment? LORELAI: Uh, sure. EMILY: Your grandmother. She's gone. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Last night. She apparently had a heart attack. The maid found her in the morning. LORELAI: But I didn't even know her heart was a thing. Was her heart a thing? Did we know that? EMILY: No, it was quite unexpected. There wasn't any warning at all. LORELAI: But we just - we just saw her. EMILY: I know. It's a complete shock. LORELAI: Ohh. I -- how is Dad? EMILY: He's completely fallen apart. From the moment he heard the news, he's been almost incoherent. LORELAI: Oh, no. EMILY: He's in his office now with the Scotch, and he wants turtleneck soup -- asks for it over and over. LORELAI: What's turtleneck soup? EMILY: Apparently something his mother used to have made for him when he was a little boy, and now he wants some, and I can't seem to find anybody who has any idea what it is. MICHEL: All right, the pugs are up next. They're ugly. Let's do this. LORELAI: [Whispers to Michel] My grandmother. SOOKIE: [Whispers] Heart attack -- grandmother. MICHEL: [Whispers] What? LORELAI: Dead grandmother, Michel. Mom, have you looked on the internet? EMILY: For what? LORELAI: For turtleneck soup. You could Google it. EMILY: Can I? Can I Google it? LORELAI: Okay, never mind. Sookie, do you have any idea what turtleneck soup could be? EMILY: You mean mock turtle soup? LORELAI: Mom, do you think he means "mock turtle soup?" EMILY: Maybe that's what he said. Is there such a thing? LORELAI: I think so. [to Sookie] Can you make mock turtle soup? SOOKIE: I never tried, but I think I have a recipe for it somewhere here. LORELAI: So, Mom, Sookie's tracking down the soup. What else can I do? EMILY: Nothing. If you can find the soup, that'll be enough. You'll tell Rory? LORELAI: Yeah, I'll tell Rory. EMILY: All right, I have to go. Your grandmother left very specific instructions on exactly how she wants her funeral to be, so I have a hundred things to do. LORELAI: I'll be there with the soup as soon as I can, Mom. EMILY: All right, bye. LORELAI: Bye. [Hangs up] I'm gonna have to go. SOOKIE: No problem. One huge vat of mock turtle soup coming up. MICHELL: Do you need a hug? LORELAI: Thanks, I'm okay. I have to call Rory. You'll call me when the soup's ready? SOOKIE: I'm on it. LORELAI: Have to go. Michel, you'll take care of the papers and the landscaping plans? MICHEL: Yes, I will. Go, go. LORELAI: Okay. Purse, coat, keys. I'm gone. Michel? MICHEL: Yes? LORELAI: [Sighs] I think I'll take that hug now. [They hug then step back.] A little weird, huh? MICHEL: Yeah, extremely. LORELAI: Heart in the right place, but never again? MICHEL: Thank God. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily is on the phone.] EMILY: Yes, I understand the reverend's retired. You said that four times. But my mother-in-law specifically requested him for the service, and... [The doorbell rings.] Well, isn't there any forwarding information? [Emily opens the door for Lorelai.] LORELAI: I got the soup. EMILY: Well, I will hold while you look. [to Lorelai] Thank God. He's in his study. Take that into him and see if you can get him to eat. [to person on the phone] Yes, I'm still here. Miraculous, isn't it? A phone number! How... [Lorelai goes into Richard's study. He's lying on the leather couch with a drink in his hand.] LORELAI: Hey, dad. RICHARD: Lorelai? LORELAI: Yeah, uh...I have something for you. Mock turtle soup. RICHARD: Mock turtle soup? LORELAI: Yeah. Sookie made it. RICHARD: Mock turtle soup. [ Chuckling ] Mock turtle soup. [ Voice breaking ] Mock turtle soup. [ Crying ] Mock turtle soup. LORELAI: Oh, hey, soup's gone. No soup here. Who mentioned soup? This is definitely a no-soup zone. Uh, the music's nice. RICHARD: Oh, she loved Kay Kyser. She wasn't really a musical woman. Music was a little frivolous for her. But Kay Kyser. LORELAI: Yeah. Well, she's great. RICHARD: Kay Kyser's a man. LORELAI: Oh, well, his parents had an ugly sense of humor then. [Richard sobs.] Oh, boy. RICHARD: She was a saint -- the woman was a saint. LORELAI: Here, Dad. RICHARD: I learned everything from that woman. "Life is a battle, and you either enter it armed or you surrender immediately." That is what she told me...on my 10th birthday. I never forgot that. No, no one...was as strong as that woman. That wonderful woman...that saint of a woman. LORELAI: Oh, Dad. RICHARD: Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. I -- I just have to deal with this... [Sighs] regret. LORELAI: What regret? Dad, you and Gran were so close. RICHARD: The last words we exchanged, we exchanged in anger. LORELAI: Oh, but, dad, that's - RICHARD: I lost my temper and I was disrespectful. And that's the way -- that's the way it ended. With an argument and hateful words. LORELAI: Dad, you know, that was one little fight. I mean, one little fight between you and Gran doesn't wipe away years of - RICHARD: That woman raised me and she taught me. And she took care of the family even after Father died. And I spoke her as if I owed her nothing, as if she was like anyone else in the world and not the saint of a woman that she was. LORELAI: Oh, Dad. RICHARD: You only have one set of parents, Lorelai. Remember that. I forgot and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life. [ Sighs ] You mentioned soup. LORELAI: What? RICHARD: When you came in. LORELAI: Yes, soup. I have soup. Um, Mom mentioned that you were talking about mock turtle soup and you really should eat something, Dad. RICHARD: I need a spoon. LORELAI: Oh, my Go-- yes, I'll get you a spoon. I'll get you -- you just sit right there. I'll be right back with your spoon. [Lorelai goes back out to the living room where Emily is on the phone.] EMILY: [talking on the phone] But it used to be Martelli's Florist, yes? Okay, do you have any idea where Martelli's moved to? Oh, well, before he died, did Mr. Martelli pass his trade on to any of the other Martellis? Yes, I'll hold. [to Lorelai] How is he doing? LORELAI: He needs a spoon. EMILY: He's going to eat? LORELAI: He's going to eat. EMILY: Thank God. Take an apple. See if you can get him to eat an apple. [into the phone] I'm here. Yes, I will take the simple stepson's number. Thank you. I will speak slowly. Thank you. [hangs up] Not that one. And take some bread, too. LORELAI: How are the arrangements coming? EMILY: Well, she made them twenty years ago, so the reverend is retired, the florist has moved, and two of the pallbearers are no longer with us. Luckily, they both had sons who look remarkably like them, so I think we can get away with it. LORELAI: All right, I'm gonna bring this stuff to Dad. EMILY: I'm going to call the florist's idiot stepson. RICHARD: Emily? Emily! EMILY: I'm right here, Richard. What's wrong? RICHARD: This is outrageous! They've completely ruined it! EMILY: Who ruined what? RICHARD: Trix's obituary. The Courant just faxed it through. It's disgraceful! I'll sue them! EMILY: Just calm down. LORELAI: [taking the paper and reading] "Lorelai Gilmore died this week at age 86. A member of the prominent Gilmore family and widow of Charles Abbott Gilmore, she is survived by a son, Richard Gilmore, and numerous other family members and devoted friends." EMILY: Well, it's - RICHARD: It's an insult! That's all they write? Nothing about her charity work or her collecting or her travels? And not a word about the new maternity wing that she donated to St. Joseph's! You tell me where all of the fine people of Hartford are supposed to have all their babies if it weren't for my mother, tell me that! EMILY: All right, all right, calm down. We will take care of it. RICHARD: She was a saint, that woman! EMILY: I know. Absolutely, we will make sure it says "saint" somewhere in the article. RICHARD: You're sure? LORELAI: Don't worry, Dad. RICHARD: Because it's very, very wrong! LORELAI: Dad, I got your spoon. RICHARD: Well, I'm not hungry. [leaves] EMILY: Wonderful. Yet another thing I have to take care of. LORELAI: Mom, why don't you let me help out a little? EMILY: That's all right. LORELAI: I'm happy to do it. I'll bring coffee, a Danish. You've never had so much fun with death in your life. EMILY: I appreciate the offer, but I have it all under control. LORELAI: I should probably take off then. EMILY: Goodbye. Thank Sookie for me. [picks up the phone and dials] Hello, I'm looking for Manny Martelli, please. Well, what time do you expect him back from the science-fiction convention? Yes. Would you hold on a minute, please? [to Lorelai] Lorelai, I have to go to Gran's house tomorrow to sort through her personal papers. LORELAI: Two cherry Danish coming up. EMILY: [into phone] Yes, I would like to leave a message. CUT TO YALE DORM [Rory is watching TV in her room when the phone rings.] RORY: Hello? LORELAI: Hey, it's me. RORY: Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant. LORELAI: Well, good, more ordering choices. RORY: Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind? LORELAI: Honey, I -- I have to tell you something. RORY: You sound sad. LORELAI: Yeah, well, Gran died. RORY: What? When? LORELAI: Last night. She had a heart attack. Are you okay? RORY: How's Grandpa? LORELAI: Well, he's been better. RORY: What should I do? Can I do something? LORELAI: No, it's all being taken care of. RORY: When's the funeral? LORELAI: Friday, and there's a wake after. I don't remember if you have a class. RORY: Doesn't matter. I'll make it work. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: I was just getting to know her. LORELAI: Well, I think you got a pretty good snapshot. RORY: Shouldn't I be crying? I feel like I should be crying. LORELAI: Well, you didn't know her that well. RORY: Still, she was my great-grandmother. I mean, I should feel more. [gets more and more upset] Oh, God, what if I don't cry at the funeral? Then everyone will see that I'm not crying, and Grandpa will be upset. LORELAI: Well, honey, if you can't cry, at least you know you can work yourself up into a very respectable panic attack. RORY: It might have to do. LORELAI: You're an amazing kid. She was so lucky to have you as a great-granddaughter. Hey, do you want me to come by tonight, pick you up, take you to Tijuana, get you drunk and laid? RORY: That's okay. I've got too much work to do. LORELAI: Okay, well, call me if you want to talk or whatever. RORY: I will. LORELAI: I love you, hon. RORY: I love you, too, Mom. CUT TO GRAN'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Emily are going through Gran's papers.] LORELAI: This looks like -- what a shock -- another incoherent legal document. EMILY: Hand it to me. LORELAI: Uh..."house insurance policy." EMILY: Hand it to me. LORELAI: You know, Mom, seriously, I can do more than just hand you stuff. EMILY: That's all right. I have a system. LORELAI: Yes. You don't think I can work within the system, but I can! I have no plans to overthrow the system. Just teach me the system. Teach it! EMILY: Just hand me some papers. [Lorelai groans. A woman walks into the room.] GEORGIA: Emily, excuse me. We finished cataloging the second floor, and we're about to move to the third. EMILY: That's fine, Georgia. GEORGIA: And we have bubble-wrapped those bar glasses. Where do you want us to put them? EMILY: In the trunk of my car, along with the candlesticks. My keys are in the foyer. GEORGIA: All right. LORELAI: What was that about? EMILY: I'm preparing for the funeral. LORELAI: Stashing bar glasses is preparing for the funeral? EMILY: Those bar glasses are supposed to stay in the family. They go to us, then to you. However, every time a certain relative of your father's comes to visit, things tend to disappear. LORELAI: Dad's got a Winona in the family? How cool. Who is it? EMILY: His cousin Marilyn. She has been systematically pilfering those bar glasses for the last five years. LORELAI: Really. EMILY: Plus, I saw her eyeing the candlesticks last Easter, and I'll be damned if I let her get them. So much to do. [ Sighs ] Did I tell you about the burial-slash-cremation clause? LORELAI: Now you're just making stuff up. EMILY: Your grandmother is to have an open-casket ceremony, displayed in all her glory, then is to be cremated and have her ashes divided in two -- half to be buried with her husband in the family crypt, and the other half to be put in an urn and placed on our mantelpiece. LORELAI: Half of Gran is going to be on your mantel forever. EMILY: Staring at me, judging me, disapproving of me. LORELAI: So apparently, it's the top half. EMILY: When I first found out, I almost had a coronary, but I've accepted it. From now on, it's going to be a 3-person household -- your father, me, and her urn. LORELAI: You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name? EMILY: Gilmore. LORELAI: No, no, her maiden name. EMILY: Gilmore. LORELAI: Wait. Y-you're not saying - EMILY: She and Charles were second cousins. LORELAI: Ew! What?! EMILY: Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed. LORELAI: Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it? EMILY: Well, what would you call it? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes." EMILY: No one has any extra toes. LORELAI: I have a double-jointed thumb. EMILY: Remarkable. Use it to hand me some more papers, please. LORELAI: I'm sorry, but I don't understand how everyone was so okay with this. I mean, what, did they just go, "What a cute couple. They look so much alike." [no answer] Mom? EMILY: This is to your father. It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father. LORELAI: Hmm. That's nice. EMILY: [reading] "My Dearest Richard, It is with heavy heart that I write you this letter tonight, but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake. Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed that you would come to the same conclusion that I have. But you have not, and therefore, I feel it is my duty as your mother to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage." [Lorelai gasps.] "I'm sure that Emily is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you. She will not be able to make you happy. She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark. She is simply not a Gilmore." LORELAI: Well, sure, 'cause you weren't directly related to him. EMILY: [continues reading] "I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn Lott, but it is still my belief that she is much better suited for you than Emily." [Voice breaking] "I know that the timing of this is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow." LORELAI: No way! EMILY: [reading] "But your happiness is too important to me, so timing be damned." LORELAI: She wanted Dad to leave you at the altar. EMILY: She begged him to leave me at the altar! She begged him in writing, and then she saved the carbons! LORELAI: Holy moly. Can I see that? EMILY: I can't believe this. I'm standing here in her basement, covered in dust. I'm organizing her estate and cataloging her things. I've been on the phone for days, trying to make sure that everything was exactly the way she wanted it, and all this time, she never even wanted me in her family! LORELAI: Man, she sure used a lot of exclamation points. EMILY: Well, fine. That's just fine, because I am done. LORELAI: Done? EMILY: I'm done planning and running around and calling people. I'm done with anything having to do with that woman. LORELAI: But Dad... EMILY: Skipped my best friend's funeral to golf -- that's what your dad did! LORELAI: Mom, we have to plan this funeral. EMILY: Find a box, throw her in, we're done! LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: Better yet, throw the old harpy's carcass in a ditch! Let a wolverine eat her. LORELAI: Okay, but, see, finding a wolverine near a ditch -- that takes planning. EMILY: Do whatever you want! I'm going to have a drink. Would you like a drink? LORELAI: I can't do it, Mom! I don't know the system! CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the table going through Gran's papers.] RORY: Bank info? LORELAI: Hand it to me. RORY: I cannot believe that story. LORELAI: Yeah, well, trust me, the brothers Grimm were over in the corner, yelling, "No way!" RORY: And she just walked out? LORELAI: Yep. RORY: Jewelry appraisal? LORELAI: Hand it to me. RORY: Why don't you just tell me where to put it? LORELAI: No, because I have a system. RORY: Oh. Well, that letter sounds awful. LORELAI: It was. RORY: And really cruel. LORELAI: So cruel -- so completely cruel that I'm kind of wondering if Gran didn't know Mom was gonna find it. RORY: Stop. It's too mean. I don't wanna think that there's that meanness in my genes. I don't wanna inherit something like that. LORELAI: Yeah, well, who knows what we've inherited from that woman. Count your toes lately? RORY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: Well, I've been saving the best for last. RORY: You're kidding. LORELAI: Do you know what Gran's maiden name was? RORY: What? LORELAI: Gilmore. Grandpa Charles was her second cousin! RORY: No! LORELAI: Yes. RORY: What does that mean about us? What if that's caused, like, a horrible genetic mutation that hasn't shown up yet? Oh, our eyes! LORELAI: What? We each have two of them. RORY: I always thought it was neat that our eyes look kind of similar, but now I don't know. Is it creepy? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: I think it's creepy. LORELAI: Okay, just hand me some more stuff. Stop staring at my eyes. Come on. RORY: What else do you have to do? LORELAI: Oh, well, I haven't tracked down this Reverend Wilder yet, and I got some mysterious message from the place that made her headstone, so I have to go see about that. And then there's just the random stuff. RORY: What random stuff? LORELAI: Well, for instance, Gran requested that she be buried in fresh clothing. RORY: What is fresh clothing? LORELAI: I don't know. Clean clothing? Clothes fresh from the cleaners? New clothes? Clothes with a mountain-fresh scent? RORY: I think it's new clothing. LORELAI: It's safest, isn't it? So add that to the list with the headstone. Oh, and then there's the obituary. I almost forgot about the obituary. RORY: What about the obituary? LORELAI: The paper wrote something, but Dad thinks it's not good enough, so I have to rewrite her death announcement. I should let Mom do it. I believe it would go, "yay." RORY: Hey, can I do it? I want to help, and we have access to a database at the Yale paper that would make it really easy to research. LORELAI: Oh, honey, that would be great. Thank you. RORY: My pleasure. I just feel really bad for Grandpa, losing his mother. LORELAI: Well, they were really close. RORY: Yeah. It's sad. So, Gran and her husband had the same great-grandfather. LORELAI: Try not to think about it. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings. No one answers so Lorelai opens the door and walks in. Sookie follows her in. The entry is filled with flowers.] LORELAI: Hello? Oh. Mom, Dad? SOOKIE: Look at all this stuff! Oh. LORELAI: Mom, are you here? EMILY: In the living room, Lorelai. LORELAI: Uh, yeah. Where's the maid? You got a condolence moat going on out here. [Lorelai and Sookie make their way into the living room to find Emily smoking and drinking and reading a book in her robe.] Whoa. EMILY: I told Hilda to take the day off. Nothing's happening here. LORELAI: I think every delivery boy in town would beg to differ. EMILY: What? Oh, those. Just put those anywhere. I have to finish reading The Crimson Petal and the White for my book club. Sookie, what a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here? LORELAI: I brought Sookie so she could check what equipment she's going to need for the wake. And who the hell are you?! SOOKIE: I'm so sorry, Emily. EMILY: About what? SOOKIE: Well, about Richard's mother dying. EMILY: Are you? Huh. Would you like a cigarette? SOOKIE: No, thank you. EMILY: Well, then, more for me. SOOKIE: I think she broke. LORELAI: Mom, what's going on? SOOKIE: I am just gonna go to the kitchen. LORELAI: Mom! EMILY: Lorelai, please, I'm reading. LORELAI: Uh...okay. [The doorbell rings.] EMILY: If you're going by the bar, my drink could use a little freshening up. LORELAI: Your drink is fresh enough! And put that cigarette out! [Lorelai opens the door to Jason.] LORELAI: Hi, Jason. JASON: Hey, I didn't know you were gonna be here. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, well, the white rabbit ran by. I chased him, fell down a hole, and here I am. JASON: So, how's everybody doing? LORELAI: Uh, well, Dad's a mess, and Mom starts work at the truck stop next week. JASON: Are you holding up? LORELAI: Yeah, I am. Thanks for asking. JASON: Well, it's what I'm here for. LORELAI: Really? JASON: No. I have to get your father's signature on some papers. LORELAI: Mom, where's Dad? EMILY: How the hell do I know? JASON: [sarcastically] Boy, she sounds really upset. LORELAI: He's probably in his study. JASON: Okay, thanks. LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Careful. [Jason knocks on the door of Richard's study. Richard comes to the door unshaven and wearing a bathrobe.] RICHARD: Oh, Jason. JASON: Richard, I am so sorry to hear. [Richard sobs and hugs Jason. Lorelai turns away and goes back to Emily.] EMILY: Who was that at the door? LORELAI: It was Jason. Dad needs to sign something. EMILY: Uh-huh. LORELAI: You know what? Why don't I start putting some of these baskets away? EMILY: Whatever. LORELAI: And then maybe I could start writing some thank-you notes. EMILY: Fine. I think there's some Post-its in the kitchen. LORELAI: Mom, uh...I know how hurt you are. That letter was terrible. But there's still a lot of stuff that has to get done. EMILY: I know. You're right. Say, I've got an idea. Why don't you call Pennilyn Lott and have her plan the funeral? LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: I mean, she's the one that was supposed to be planning it anyhow, so I say let her do it. You need something, Sookie? SOOKIE: I was just wondering if it's going to be okay to set up a buffet in the dining room. EMILY: I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do? You think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because personally, I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin, stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town. SOOKIE: Is she serious? LORELAI: The dining room's fine, Sookie. SOOKIE: Okay. Good. [Jason comes out of the study. Lorelai goes over to him.] LORELAI: Um, uh, excuse me. JASON: Did you see that hug? LORELAI: Yes, I saw the hug, I saw the hug. JASON: It didn't end. It was the hug that wouldn't end, and he was wearing a robe. LORELAI: Yes, apparently, we're a robe family now. JASON: And he was crying. I am really, really bad at comforting people. I say completely inappropriate things -- bad jokes with words like "Nantucket" in them. LORELAI: Did you get what you needed? JASON: Yeah, thanks. LORELAI: Okay. Well, then I guess I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow. JASON: Yeah. About the actual funeral LORELAI: Jason. JASON: I can't do funerals. LORELAI: You have to do funerals. This was your partner's mother. JASON: I understand, but funerals have way too much emotion for me -- the death and the hugging. LORELAI: You serious? JASON: When I was 10, my family went through a terrible period. Once a month, somebody died. For a year, they were dropping like flies. It completely freaked me out. LORELAI: Okay, fine, don't come, but you had better lie to my father and tell him you did. JASON: I am very comfortable with that compromise. LORELAI: [goes back to Emily] That was Jason again. He had to go, but he wanted me to tell you hello for him. EMILY: Jason. Your father loves that boy. LORELAI: I know he does. EMILY: You know who else would love that boy? Pennilyn Lott. LORELAI: I'm gonna go get started on those thank-you cards. EMILY: Remember to thank Pennilyn Lott just for being Pennilyn Lott. CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER [Rory is on the phone.] RORY: I'm almost done. I promise I'll get it to the paper this afternoon. LORELAI: This is a really big help, my friend. I owe you. RORY: No, it was really interesting, actually. I mean, I never knew all of these things about Gran. LORELAI: Really, was the extra-toe thing in there? RORY: No, but did you know that she took care of wounded soldiers that were shipped back here during World War II? She also studied at the Sorbonne and at Oxford and met three presidents. LORELAI: Oh. Which ones? RORY: Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon. There's this amazing picture of her frowning at Nixon like she knew he was up to something. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Yeah, she was some kind of something, wasn't she? LORELAI: Yes, she kind of was. RORY: I just love that she wanted something so -- I got to go. [hangs up] Hi, Doyle. Hey, did you read the typo in the New York Times today? DOYLE: This is personal. RORY: Yes. Yes, it is. DOYLE: You're using newspaper resources to work on something personal, in direct defiance of what I was warning everybody about just the other day. RORY: But this is different. DOYLE: Oh, it is? RORY: If I can just - DOYLE: Oh, goody, here comes the defense. What will it be? "I'm looking something up for a friend?" "The professor didn't give me enough time?" "I was just browsing through the archives, and I got distracted?" RORY: My grandmother is dead. DOYLE: Oh. Oh, no. RORY: Yeah, she died two days ago, suddenly, and we were close. Okay? We were close, and I'm just trying to give her an obituary that is fitting for the great woman that she was. DOYLE: Oh. That's -- I didn't know. RORY: You didn't ask. DOYLE: My grandmother died in December, and it was... [sighs] I'm still not over it. I know exactly what you're going through. Keep going, please. I'm sorry. RORY: It's okay. And thank you. DOYLE: Last week, you know what I did? RORY: No. DOYLE: I picked up the phone to call her. Isn't that sad? I actually forgot, and then, of course, it hit me all over again. I hope that doesn't happen to you. RORY: Me too. DOYLE: She smelled a little like coffee. I still can't walk past any place that makes coffee. RORY: Oh. DOYLE: The girl I was dating was a barista. I had to break up with her. RORY: We weren't that close. DOYLE: What? RORY: And it wasn't my grandmother. It was my great-grandmother. I dropped the "great" to make the whole thing sound sadder. I don't know anything about her until today. [sighs] I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now. DOYLE: My grandmother was a very special woman. She drove me to my prom, and I'd be a poor man if I'd never known her. Finish the obituary. RORY: What? GLENN: What? DOYLE: Everybody should get to know their grandmother. GLENN: But it was her great-grandmother. Didn't you hear her? DOYLE: Glenn, you take Rory's piece on the new parking rules, okay? GLENN: My month lasts a month. Your month lasts three days. Yes, sirree, folks, that is my life! CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Everyone in the diner is quiet. They're listening to the sounds of yelling coming from Luke's apartment upstairs. Miss Patty walks in the door.] MISS PATTY: Oh, Kirk, good, I've been - CUSTOMERS: Shh! MISS PATTY: What are we listening to? [Kirk points upstairs.] Again? KIRK: Yep. [Rapid footsteps approaching. Everyone pretends to be busy as Luke comes into the diner.] LUKE: Who needs to order? MISS PATTY: I do. LUKE: Go ahead. MISS PATTY: I'll have a chef's salad. LUKE: Dressing? MISS PATTY: Oil and vinegar on the side. LUKE: Crackers or roll? MISS PATTY: Um... KIRK: Get the crackers, get the crackers. MISS PATTY: Uh, I'll have the - NICOLE: Luke! LUKE: What? NICOLE: Are you coming back? LUKE: I'm working. NICOLE: We were having a discussion and you just got up and left. LUKE: I thought we were done. NICOLE: I was in the middle of the word "September." LUKE: [Sighs and points to the door.] Okay, come on. [They go outside.] Okay, go ahead. NICOLE: We were in the middle of a conversation! LUKE: We were yelling. It was a fight. NICOLE: We weren't yelling. LUKE: It felt like yelling. NICOLE: Okay, we won't yell. We'll talk. LUKE: Fine, talk. NICOLE: Me? What about you? LUKE: You're the one who wanted to talk. We're here. Let's talk. NICOLE: You don't want to talk? LUKE: I don't have anything to say. NICOLE: Yeah. Me either. [Starts to walk away.] LUKE: [ Sighs ] Nicole. NICOLE: What? LUKE: You going back to our place? NICOLE: Our place? [ Scoffs ] Our place. Huh. Funny. [As Nicole walks away, Luke turns to see everyone in the diner crowded at the window watching the fight.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Richard opens the door to Lorelai and Rory.] LORELAI: Dad, why are you answering the door? RICHARD: Uh, well, I heard it ring, so, um... LORELAI: The maid's taking the day off again? RICHARD: Yeah, I suppose so. Rory, it's nice to see you. RORY: I'm so sorry, Grandpa. RICHARD: Thank you, Rory. RORY: How are you? RICHARD: Well, I'm having a devil of a time with this tie. RORY: And you're not wearing any shoes. RICHARD: What? Oh, yeah, shoes. LORELAI: Dad, can't Mom help you with the tie? RICHARD: Yes. Yes. Uh, I don't know where she's gotten to. There are a lot of plans to make. Oh, someone sent us four hams. Can you imagine? Four hams. [Emily comes downstairs wearing her robe again.] LORELAI: Mom, there you are. EMILY: [ Slurring ] Rory, you look very nice. RORY: I brought a dress to change into. EMILY: Oh, what you're wearing is fine. [hands Lorelai a book] Lorelai, here, I just finished reading, and I think you'll really like it. It's about this prostitute named Sugar in Victorian England. She starts rising through the ranks of society, and she meets these really vivid characters! LORELAI: Okay, sure, you don't have to tell me the whole story now. EMILY: I'm not giving anything away. That's all on the back cover. LORELAI: Dad? [to Rory] Follow him. Point out doors and windows. RORY: Got it. [Rory follows Richard upstairs.] LORELAI: So, Mom, you might want to go get ready now. EMILY: Nonsense! We have hours. Want a drink? Today I learned how to make mojitos! LORELAI: Mom, today especially, you might want to be early, since we're the ones throwing the funeral. EMILY: Fine. LORELAI: There you go. Go on upstairs. Put on a dress -- a black dress. RORY: [comes back downstairs] I got him to sit down. LORELAI: Okay, pillow. Soft. Good. RORY: You're right, they're a little nutty. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. With extra nuts on top. Okay, I have to check and make sure that Sookie's kitchen stuff made it over here. And I have to call the airline and make sure the reverend got on the plane. I have to check in with the headstone -- [ Gasps ] Underwear. RORY: Um, that took a turn. LORELAI: Oh, my God. I delivered Gran's clothes to the funeral home, but I forgot to include underwear. RORY: Gran's going commando? LORELAI: Oh, no. I'll have to go buy some. RORY: Well, wait a minute. Who's gonna know? LORELAI: I'll know. Just stay here. Keep an eye on your grandpa. I'll be right back. CUT TO STORE [Lorelai looks at racks of underwear, unsure what to buy. A saleswoman comes up behind her.] SHANNON: This whole section is our 2-for-1 sale. LORELAI: Listen - SHANNON: Shannon. LORELAI: Shannon, um, I need to buy something for my grandmother. SHANNON: Any particular style? LORELAI: Something respectable, upstanding. You got anything that came over on the Mayflower? SHANNON: We have this whole line of really terrific panties, and they have a built-in tummy panel that older women really love. LORELAI: Oh, well, tummy panel sounds great. SHANNON: What size is she? LORELAI: Size? Uh, she's tiny but strong. She looks like she could take a punch. But she wears these big dresses, so who knows what's going on under there. SHANNON: Okay, well - LORELAI: I'm sorry, she wore big dresses. She wore big dresses, 'cause she's dead. SHANNON: Oh. LORELAI: Do you have any idea what "fresh clothing" means? SHANNON: No. LORELAI: Neither do I. I'm guessing it means "new," and that's why I'm here, because I have to do all the - all the planning now, because my mother found the note. [Scoffs] The stupid note. Who writes a note like that and keeps the carbon? SHANNON: I don't - LORELAI: Yeah, my grandmother -- that's who. My grandmother, who wants fresh clothing and a 4,000-year-old minister, who wants to be cremated and put in a jar on top of my mother's mantelpiece to sit up there and judge for all eternity. I bet your family's looking really great to you right about now, huh? SHANNON: Yes, they are. LORELAI: Yeah. [Chuckles] Oh, God. [Sniffles] I'm just babbling. I'm standing in underwire heaven just babbling like a crazy person. I should just pick something, because, I mean, what difference does it make? She's dead. You know, the woman is dead. She can't tell what she's wearing or who bought it for her. She can't see the mess she's left behind, so I'll just -- I'll take this. SHANNON: That's a small. LORELAI: Hello! She's dead! The woman is dead! She can't tell if it's the right size! She wanted fresh clothes, and I'm here buying her fresh clothes. So if she has a problem with the size or the strawberry print, then she can rise from the dead and come back here and yell at me herself. Because you know what, if anyone could, that tough, old, crazy, wonderful broad would be the one! [Sniffles] You take Visa, right? SHANNON: Mm-hmm. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Rory helps Richard with his tie.] RORY: Okay, so, according to this, we're almost home. I just pull this through there, which looks promising, and we're done. Now you just do the final adjusting. RICHARD: Well, that's not bad. RORY: Fourth time's the charm. RICHARD: Very handy little sheet you've got there. Where'd you get it? RORY: Off the internet. You can find anything there. RICHARD: Hmm. Very nice. RORY: Do you want to keep it -- the diagram? I don't think I'll be needing it much around the dorm RICHARD: [ Chuckles ] Well, in that case, I will. Thank you, Rory. RORY: Now I think all we need is your jacket and your shoes, and you're ready. RICHARD: [ Sighs ] Yes, I suppose so. You know, the suit I wore when we buried my father -- I was never able to wear it again. It was brand-new -- a very nice suit. Custom-made. It was my first custom-made suit. I told your grandmother that it didn't fit anymore, but really, I just didn't want to see it again. And I suppose this is going to be it for this suit, too. RORY: So, I hear you're doing the eulogy. RICHARD: Well, I'm her son. RORY: Are you gonna be okay doing that? RICHARD: Well, I'll have to be, I suppose. RORY: Because if you find yourself feeling, you know, unsteady about it, I can do it. I did a lot of reading about Gran for the obituary, and I think I can do her justice. RICHARD: She had a life, didn't she? RORY: She really did. RICHARD: Well, I thank you for your offer, but this is my responsibility. I will be fine. RORY: I'm sure you will. RICHARD: However, if something happens, and I find myself, let us say, a tad more emotional than I would like - RORY: I got your back, Grandpa. [Richard sighs.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE -- DOWNSTAIRS [Lorelai walks in the front door with a shopping bag. Emily, dressed for the funeral, is sitting at the table.] EMILY: Did you go shopping? I've been sitting here waiting for you. [Lorelai sighs.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - NIGHT [After the funeral. Richard is greeting the mourners.] RICHARD: Thank you. Thanks so much for coming. Appreciate it. RORY: Nice job with the eulogy, Gilmore. RICHARD: Well, I've always found that a well-tied bow tie can have a very steadying effect. JENSON: Richard, she was a hell of a lady. EMMA: I don't know what the hospital board will do without her. RICHARD: I appreciate both of you coming. Have you met my granddaughter Rory? JENSON: No, I don't believe we have. EMMA: Nice to meet you, Rory. RORY: Nice to meet you, too. I'm gonna go get a soda. Excuse me. EMMA: She's lovely, Richard. RICHARD: Inside and out. [Rory walks over to Lorelai.] LORELAI: How's he doing? RORY: Not bad. He's holding it together -- partly because all these people are here, but I think he's doing better. LORELAI: Good. So, what did you think of Gran's fabulous, fresh clothing? RORY: I thought it was very sophisticated. LORELAI: Thank you. RORY: But don't think, for a second, that I didn't notice the Hello Kitty bracelet you put on her. LORELAI: I just thought, a little something special from me and you for all eternity. MARILYN: So, there she was, dragging poor Charles around Egypt, of all places. I mean, the man detested sand. So, of course, Lorelai wanted to go and see the pyramids right away. Well, he was dragging his feet. He wanted to go to the hotel. He said, "Lorelai, those pyramids have been there for thousands of years, so they can wait another day." And she said, "Well, you didn't marry the pyramids. You married me, and I won't wait another hour." And she jumped on a camel and rode away. Dragged the camel's owner behind her for over a mile. Man almost died. [ Laughter ] There she is. Lorelai, come here and say hello to your father's favorite cousin. LORELAI: Hi, Marilyn. MARILYN: Look at you. You look just like your picture. You know, your grandmother had this picture of you right smack-dab in the middle of her entryway. You would walk in the door, she would point to the picture, and she would say, "This is my granddaughter, Lorelai. She's not married." LORELAI: Oh, that's a terrific story. MARILYN: You are stunning! My god, tell me you're an idiot, I beg you. LORELAI: I have my moments. How's that? MARILYN: And you, miss. Am I possibly related to you also? LORELAI: Yes, this is my daughter Rory. MARILYN: It is a thrill to meet you both. Horrible circumstances, I suppose. Anyway angels, tell me: when you were last over at your grandmother's house, did you possibly notice some darling little bar glasses? LORELAI: Bar glasses? MARILYN: Crystal, with this little gold-leaf pattern around? LORELAI: No, I don't think so. MARILYN: Oh, well, I was just wondering. They weren't valuable, just sentimental. I used to admire them as a small child. LORELAI: Well, sure, what little kid doesn't have a fascination with bar glasses? MARILYN: Well, if you ever do see them - LORELAI: Yes, I'll let you know. I -- I'm sorry, I have to go check the caterer. MARILYN: Go, go, go. I can visit with Rory. RORY: Okay. Hey, I heard you talking about Gran in Egypt. MARILYN: Oh, she loved Egypt. Actually, she loved anyplace exotic. Did she ever tell you about the time she was stranded in Istanbul? RORY: No. Well, I actually didn't know her very well. MARILYN: Oh, that's a terrible shame. RORY: I think so, too. DARCY: It was a lovely service. You did a wonderful job. EMILY: Thank you. DARCY: It seems like we're hitting that age, now aren't we, where we're going to be going to a lot of these things. Time to invest in a second black suit, I suppose. EMILY: [to a passing waiter] Excuse me, please bring my husband a Manhattan, and make sure the hors d'oeuvres start with him. He has to eat something. RORY: [to a boy her age] Yeah, I think philosophy may be one of my favorite subjects right now. LORELAI: [whispers to Rory] Second cousin. RORY: Got to go. BOY: Wait, I'll come with you. [follows Rory] LORELAI: [loudly] Reverend Wilder, hi. Thank you so much for coming all the way up here from Florida to be with us. Gran would have been so pleased. REVEREND: Oh, thank you. I was happy to do it. And you are? LORELAI: I'm Lorelai Gilmore. REVEREND: Didn't I just bury you? LORELAI: No, Reverend, I'm the one who talked to you on the phone, and I picked you up from the airport. REVEREND: Oh, really? LORELAI: Yeah. MARILYN: That was a different Lorelai. This is her granddaughter. This is the reigning Lorelai. REVEREND: Oh, how nice. And who are you? LORELAI: This is Gran's niece, Marilyn. MARILYN: You remember me from when I was younger. You married me to my first husband, Theodore. REVEREND: I did? MARILYN: It would be easier on all of us if you can just pretend to remember. REVEREND: Oh, well, that's probably a good idea. [Lorelai sits down next to Emily and sighs.] LORELAI: How are you holding up? EMILY: My feet are killing me. LORELAI: How's the rest of you? EMILY: The rest of me? The rest of me is fine. LORELAI: Oh, you know, Mom, she may have written that letter, but he picked you. EMILY: I can't believe you wore those shoes to a funeral. LORELAI: I'm going to go get a stuffed mushroom now. [Emily walks over to Richard.] RICHARD: Hmm. EMILY: Your tie is crooked. RICHARD: Oh. EMILY: Have you eaten? RICHARD: Oh, yes. Every five minutes, it seems a young man would show up at my side with a tray of food. Your doing, I suppose. EMILY: Could be. There, that's better. RICHARD: So, I've been thinking. EMILY: Yes? RICHARD: I'm not so sure the mantel is the best place for Gran's ashes. EMILY: What? RICHARD: The ledge is too small. It wouldn't really be appropriate. EMILY: But her wishes. RICHARD: Being buried with my father seems right. Don't you agree? EMILY: Whatever you want, Richard. [Lorelai walks through the room.] MARILYN: So, there she is, Aunt Lorelai -- already in her 70s, mind you -- and the blizzard has her trapped in that old house for a week with no heat, no running water. The local police finally came and dug her out and handed her some hot tea. And you know what she does? First of all, she complains that the tea is too hot, and then she sends them a bill for carpet cleaning, because they tracked in snow. [Lorelai sees Rory and goes over to sit at a table with her.] LORELAI: So, you ditched the cousin? RORY: Yeah, we ran into a sister, and how could I compete? LORELAI: Oh, sure. How are you doing? RORY: I'm feeling sadder about Gran, but feeling sadder is making me feel less guilty about not feeling sad, so things are looking up. LORELAI: Good. So, apparently, I am now the reigning Lorelai. RORY: Huh. I guess you are. LORELAI: It's a lot of responsibility. RORY: Well, sure. LORELAI: It's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays -- declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets -- but now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp. RORY: Neat. And coins. LORELAI: Yeah and coins. You know, someday you'll be the reigning Lorelai. RORY: I don't like that idea. LORELAI: Why not? You get a cape. RORY: Because if I'm the reigning Lorelai, that means you'll be gone. LORELAI: Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not gonna pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture. RORY: I am scared of horses. LORELAI: I know that. RORY: So, there's a cape, huh?
Plan: A: The rift; Q: What does Richard's golf date widen between Emily and Richard? A: Emily; Q: Who drops everything in her daughter's lap after finding a letter in which her mother-in-law pleads with her son to marry Pennilyn instead? A: Richard; Q: Who goes on a golf date instead of accompanying his wife to the funeral of her best friend? A: clients; Q: Who did Richard go on a golf date with instead of his wife? A: Doyle; Q: Who goes on a theft and plagiarism rant? A: grief; Q: What emotion does Trix die with? A: his wedding; Q: What event did Emily's mother-in-law want her son to miss? A: Luke; Q: Who and Nicole have all of Stars Hollow listening in and reading lips as they argue? A: her parents; Q: Who is Lorelai worried about? A: Trix's exacting requirements; Q: What is Lorelai worried about fulfilling for Trix's funeral? A: Trix's funereal undies; Q: What does Lorelai have a meltdown while shopping for? A: cousin; Q: Who is Marilyn? A: tales; Q: What does Marilyn tell about Lorelai the First? Summary: The rift between Emily and Richard widens when he goes on a golf date with clients instead of accompanying his wife to the funeral of her best friend. Doyle goes on a theft and plagiarism rant; Trix dies suddenly and stricken with grief and guilt, Richard is inconsolable; Emily calls it quits on arranging Trix's funeral and drops everything in her daughter's lap after finding a letter in which her mother-in-law pleads with her son on the eve of his wedding to Emily to marry Pennilyn instead; Luke and Nicole have all of Stars Hollow listening in and reading lips as they quarrel; worried about her parents and frantic over fulfilling Trix's exacting requirements for her funeral, Lorelai has a meltdown while shopping for Trix's funereal undies; after the service, cousin Marilyn regales family and friends with tales of Lorelai the First; Emily and Richard finally reach out to each other as he defies one of his mother's last wishes for the sake of his wife.
Michael: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall] Andy: Dah! Come on! Michael: Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland. Oscar: It's never gonna happen. Kevin: Dude, you gotta believe. Michael: Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle? Jim: [to Pam] Wait for it. Michael: Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a "Where's Waldo." [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen] Everyone: Oh! Yes! Michael: [everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead. Kevin: That was so awesome. Michael: That was awesome. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Some days I am just on fire. What can I say? [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Hey... there he is. Jim: Hey Meredith, how you feelin'? Meredith: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital. Jim: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so... Meredith: Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut. Jim: Haha... Meredith: Anyway, I have this Sharpie... Jim: Uh-huh. Meredith: And I was wondering if you could sign my cast? Jim: MmmHmm... Meredith: [lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it? Jim: Oh yeah. Meredith: [whispers] I'll read this when I get home. Jim: Alright... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone. Michael: Oh, does he? Pam: He does. Michael: Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you. Jim: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us? Michael: And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight. Dwight: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website. Jim: Actually it sounds like you are. Dwight: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so? Kelly: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody? Michael: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight. Stanley: Yes, please let us know. Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today. Angela: Waste of time. Michael: What's that, pipsqueak? Angela: Waste of time. The website's going to win. Dwight: You believe a computer can beat me? Angela: I don't care, but yes. Dwight: Well I will prove you wrong. Angela: I don't care, and you won't. Dwight: We'll see. Angela: I won't be watching, and I won't. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Stanley, you're dancing! Stanley: No I'm not. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest. Voice of Thomas Dean: I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: And this is where I will record your sales. Dwight: Hmm. Very nice. Very nice. Andy: And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done. Jim: Or zipadeedoodaah. Andy: I can't tell if he's mocking me. Dwight: Just ignore him. Andy: Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go. Jim: I was... mocking. Andy: Thank you. Dwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale. Andy: Yes like a chime or a bell... Jim: Or a gong. Dwight: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me. Andy: Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party? Angela: Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you? [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch? Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid. Phyllis: I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful. Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful! Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A. Angela: Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party? Michael: Ohh, lunch party. Angela: It's supposed to say launch! Michael: Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway. Angela: I care! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Twenty seconds to go time. Dwight: Got it. Carb up. Jim: Really? Power gel? Dwight: Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner. sAndy: Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go! Dwight: Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute. Jim: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working? Dwight: Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices. Jim: What? Pam: He's going through a break-up. Jim: Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person. Andy: [blowing air horn] Yeah! Dwight: Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines. Pam: What kind of prank are you thinking? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Who am I? DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] You tell me. Jim: [dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim? DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] What is a Jim? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay. Pam: Yes it's too tight. Kelly: Waaay too tight. Michael: Really? Oscar: This is why I'm here? Kelly: Why is it so tight? Michael: It's the European cut. Angela: Is just looks bad. Michael: Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging? Tech Guy: Setting up the web-cam for the party. Michael: Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7? Kelly: Depends... how much have you eaten already today? Michael: I had um, one of those danishes. Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Kelly: You had carbs? That's awful. Pam: Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun. Jan: [on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated. Michael: Just... Jan: Is it really that important to you? Michael: Yeah. Jan: Alright. Michael: Thank you. Jan: Go by yourself. Michael: Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser. Jan: Well... Michael: Do I have your permission to invite Carol? Jan: What? No Michael! Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ohhhhhh! Andy: Website check please. Meredith: Three hundred and five. Andy: Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely. Meredith: Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty. Andy: You my friend are in a very close second. Meredith: Four-oh-two. Andy: Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady? Meredith: What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins. Jim: Sure we'll go. Michael: Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good. Jim: Oh I'm sorry. What? Pam: One of the tickets is for him. Michael: Just let me know who the winner is. Pam and Jim: Not it. Jim: Nope. Pam: I won. Jim: Definitely not. If anything it was a tie. Pam: Tie goes to the girlfriend. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone] Jim: How's it going? Dwight: Fine. Good. Jim: Yeah? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: You look a little worried. Dwight: I do not look worried. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You do look worried. DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read... Pam: Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one. Jim: Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless. Phyllis: I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone. Angela: Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now? Phyllis: Yes. Angela: Goodie. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey man. Darryl: What's up man? Jim: What's going on? Darryl: Make a delivery. Jim: Oh yeah? Darryl: Kelly ordered this online. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts. Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin." Dwight: Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did! Darryl: Who knows? Dwight: Return it! Return it now! Darryl: Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man. Dwight: Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible. Darryl: Who's it? Darryl: Here you go. Kelly: Thanks. Darryl: So you still missing Ryan? Kelly: Not so much anymore. Darryl: Mmmmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun. Jim: I'm driving? Michael: Yes. Thank you. Jim: Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam. Michael: Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight? Angela: Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks. Michael: If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow. Dwight: Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm. DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples. Dwight: I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter? Andy: No ! [blows air horn and dances] Dwight: Huh?! Angela: Stop it! Gimme that! Give it! Dwight: Did you see the board? Angela: There's still an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham] Jim: Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it. Michael: Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured... Jim: Yeah. Michael: Same sort of stuff in here. Jim: It's not. It's different. But it's a good book. Michael: Mmwa. Mmwa. Jim: What was that? Michael: Leaving Pennsylvania. Jim: Oh. Two kisses. Michael: One for me one for Jan. Jim: Gotcha. Michael: You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday? Jim: That would be fun. Michael: Wanna come over Friday? Jim: Uhhh. Can't. Michael: After work you guys... Jim: Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right? Michael: Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So... Jim: Mmmkay... Michael: What are you doing? Jim: Uh, that is an invitation to an online party. Michael: No. Jim: Yep. Michael: No, I'm sure that's not. Na... Jim: Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address? Michael: Yes. Jim: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us? Jim: Oh actually I withdrew from consideration. Michael: Yeah. I withdrew too. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Four! Three! Two! One! Dwight: Yes! Andy: Woo! Dwight: Woo! Andy: After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams. Dwight: Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again. Andy: Fifty-two reams! Dwight: No no no the first part. Andy: Dwight has defeated the computer. Dwight: Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you. Angela: I didn't ask you to do it for me. Dwight: You didn't have to. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Hello, Pam. Pam: Hello. Angela: Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man. Pam: Um... uh... I'll get back to you. Angela: Let me know. [SCENE_BREAK] DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Alright who wants to party? Oscar: Why aren't you in New York? Michael: Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out. Stanley: You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early. Michael: I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton. Angela: Thank you. Michael: Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight? Andy: He beat the computer. Michael: Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How we doing on time? Angela: The party starts in an hour. Michael: Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen. Angela: Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting? Michael: Mmmhmm. Angela: Something made of ice? Michael: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel. Angela: Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak? Michael: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important... Angela: Chocolates? Someone famous? Michael: Yes Angela: Cool music. Michael: Uh... Angela: Confetti. Michael: I want it... Angela: Go-Go dancers? Michael: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?" Angela: I can't do this. Michael: Yes you can. Angela: I can't do it. Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this? Angels: Okay. Okay. Michael: No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What do you think of Angela? Dwight: I think she's efficient. Andy: No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N. Dwight: I hadn't noticed. Andy: You hadn't noticed she's a woman? Dwight: [impatient sigh] Andy: I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right? Dwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with. Andy: Isn't that part of the fun? Dwight: No. I think you should date Kelly. Andy: She works here too, how is that any different? Dwight: Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby. Andy: [raised eyebrows] Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Good news. Stanley: We get to go home? Michael: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo? All: [murmurs of approval] Kevin: Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo? Michael: Same thing. Kevin: No, no. All: [disagreeing with Michael] Michael: You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time. Kevin: Oscar, talk to him. Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from? Michael: Pizza by Alfredo. All: [shouts of disapproval] Michael: Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? All: Medium amount of good pizza. Michael: [sighs, walks back into office] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this. Angela: It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do. Phyllis: [Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face] Angela: Ow! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: That seemed to shut her up. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an "are you kidding me?" look] Andy: Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box. Andy: Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying? Angela: What? Andy: Hello. Angela: I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yup. Pam: The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here. Michael: You don't have to say it like that. Pam: I said it normal. Michael: Hey Pizza guy: Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Michael: Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty. Pizza guy: The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas. Michael: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas. Pizza guy: I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy. Michael: You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza? Oscar: It's not pizza. Michael: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon. Pizza guy: [shrugs] Michael: [sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um? Pizza guy: Not my problem. Michael: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story. Pizza guy: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Michael: I'm not giving that to you. Pizza guy: Well then you're not getting you're pizzas. Michael: No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out. Pizza guy: What? Michael: You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room. Pizza guy: I'm not going in there. Michael: Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you. Pizza guy: This is stupid. Michael: No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: You find anything? Kevin: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping. Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"? Stanley: Why can't you guys do it? Oscar: Because we're looking up jail time. Stanley: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp. [SCENE_BREAK] Pizza guy: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You ready to give me my discount now? Pizza guy: No. Michael: Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time? Pizza guy: What kind of business is this? Dwight: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world. Michael: Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man. Pizza guy: You better think about what you're doing. Michael: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay? Pizza guy: Sales? Michael: Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales. Pizza guy: You're such a loser. Dwight: What did you just call him? Pizza guy: A loser. Dwight: What did you say? Pizza guy: A loser. Michael: Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse. Dwight: I can make him talk, Michael. All: Michael, Michael Michael: Stop talking all at once! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You need to let him go. Michael: Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson? Jim: Yes. Michael: You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions. Jim: Yes, but not by kidnapping. Michael: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want. Jim: As a hostage. Michael: I think you're over-thinking it. Jim: I think you're under-thinking it. Michael: Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our... Jim: Ransom. Michael: Trouble. Okay, alright. Jim: What did he say? Michael: He said no. Jim: So, we should let him go. Michael: No, no. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights. Angela: I have to hang these. Pizza guy: Why are you looking at her like that? Dwight: Hey! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: What's going on? Jim: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands. Michael: Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin? Kevin: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour. Meredith: I think it looks good. Angela: That's why you're not in charge Meredith. Andy: Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice. Angela: How did you, um, where did you... Dwight: It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor. Angela: Will you help me put it over there? Andy: Yes I will. Angela: Okay. Andy: Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I stole it! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Thank God. Pam: Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself. Michael: I'll just wave and introduce myself. Jim: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof? Pam: I'm all over it. Jim: Okay. Jim: What have we got here? Kevin: Good pizza. Jim: Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors? Kevin: Different stuff. Jim: Which one's this? Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk? Pam: Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight. Jim: And that's when I knew. You? Pam: You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired. Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me? Pam: Yep. Jim: Wow, can we make it a different moment? Pam: Nope. [SCENE_BREAK] Manager: Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start. Ryan: And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott. Michael: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole. Ryan: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear. Pizza guy: If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Ow! What are you doing? Andy: You said your upper back itched. Angela: I didn't ask you to scratch it. Andy: Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you. Angela: I'm not dating you. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested. Dwight: [smiles] Andy: But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down. Dwight: [kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, have you seen Jim? Kevin: I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out. Dwight: Ahh-chaa! Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Dwight: I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him. Pizza guy: I can hear you, man. Dwight: Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat! Michael: Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid. Dwight: You had to, what other choice did you have? Michael: I could have paid for the pizza. Dwight: Well, yeah. Michael: Oh my God, oh my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is Michael. Ryan: Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out. Michael: You're breaking up. I can't hear you. Ryan: Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan] Michael: [to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent. Dwight: What will you do? Michael: I will open the door. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands. Dwight: So, I'm paying full price? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more. Michael: See ya, drive safely. Michael: [pizza guy flips him off] Okay. Dwight: Now what? Michael: Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens. Dwight: Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas. Michael: Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge. Pam: Ah-ha. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on. Andy: [Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me. Voice #1 on phone: Hey how'd it go? Voice #2 on phone: Yeah, what'd she say? Andy: I don't know yet, I have to call you back. Voice #1 on phone: You have to give us something... Andy: I'll call you back. Angela: I have to go clean up after the party. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What a horrible day. Dwight: Blah. Michael: Bluh. Dwight: Uhh. Michael: Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what? Dwight: What? Michael: I'm going to get it. Dwight: Coopers has calamari. Michael: Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi. Dwight: Tokyo? Michael: New York. Wanna go? Dwight: Yes. Michael: Alright, you drive. Dwight: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Nice. Michael: Here we go. Dwight: Woo-hoo. Michael: Mmm. Dwight: Yum. Bartender: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave. Michael: Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go. Man: Hey, you're the Scranton guy. Michael: Guilty. Man: I liked your statement tonight. Michael: Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer. Man: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that. Michael: Yeah. Man: See you later. Dwight: Later on. Michael: [mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face. Dwight: And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper. Michael: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot. Dwight: I started a fire with my cheese pita. Michael: I made it with my cheese pita. Dwight: I date Indian girls. Michael: I started a fire, I started a fire. Dwight: Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss. Michael: And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody... Dwight: I don't get that, I don't understand that. Michael: Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh. Michael: Wanna head back? Dwight: Yeah, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks]
Plan: A: the new Dunder Mifflin Infinity website; Q: What is the new brainchild of Ryan? A: a party; Q: What do the staff of Dunder Mifflin Scranton prepare to host as part of a company-wide video chat room? A: technology; Q: What does Dwight want to prove he can beat? A: the new computer; Q: What does Dwight try to outsell? A: Michael; Q: Who humiliates Ryan in front of every branch of Dunder Mifflin? A: New York; Q: Where is the actual party that Michael is invited to? A: a pizza delivery boy; Q: Who do Dwight and Michael kidnap at the party? A: Andy; Q: Who decides to pursue Angela? A: Dwight's dismay; Q: What does Andy's pursuit of Angela cause? Summary: As the new brainchild of Ryan, the new Dunder Mifflin Infinity website, is about to be released, the staff of Dunder Mifflin Scranton prepare to host a party as part of a company-wide video chat room. Dwight, wanting to prove to Angela that he can beat technology, tries to outsell the new computer, which he ultimately does. Michael misunderstands an invite to the digital party as an invite to the actual party in New York. Later, at the party, Dwight and Michael kidnap a pizza delivery boy, although they later release him. At the end of the chat room, Michael humiliates Ryan in front of every branch of Dunder Mifflin. Andy decides to pursue Angela, to Dwight's dismay.
[Scene: Joey's Dorm room. The camera starts off aimed at the back of a television, and it pulls around the TV so that we can see Joey sitting on the floor at the foot of her bed watching TV, and a little further to see Dawson sitting next to her.] [Movie playing on TV] [Turns TV off] Dawson: So... what did you think? Joey: Mm. I don't know. It's so... so... boring. Dawson: Bo—boring. What are they teaching you at Worthington? Joey: Well, do you want me to lie and say I got it? Dawson: Oh, it's not about getting it. Pauline Kael said that you could find Goddard incomprehensible and still be shattered by his brilliance. Joey: Does Jen know about you and this Pauline person you're always referring to? Dawson: Jen understands my need to see other film critics. Joey: So this is really your homework? You just sit around and watch movies all night. Dawson: Yeah, and I'll be doing it again tomorrow if you'd like to join me. They're showing this, uh, Nicholas ray film at school that I need to see. Joey: And Nicholas ray would be? Dawson: He directed rebel without a cause. Huge influence on the French new wave to the point where Truffaut wanted people who couldn't appreciate his work banned from movie going entirely, which is why you should go. [Dawson takes the tape and puts it back into it's case.] Joey: So are you guys doing this baby-sitting thing in shifts or what's the pattern here? Dawson: [Sighs] Your friends just wanna spend some time with you. Is it a problem? Joey: No, but it's unnecessary. Dawson: Good, then I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7:00. Joey: Fine. Do you want me to walk you out? Dawson: Nah, it's fine. You just stay right here. Joey: Dawson... I'm fine. Really I am. Dawson: I know. I know. I just think-- [Laughs] You're just not gonna let me tell you how happy I am that you're ok. Joey: No. Sorry. But it has been nice seeing you again and... hanging out. Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, it has. Joey: So I'll see you tomorrow. Dawson: See you tomorrow. [Dawson looks at her for a second then leaves] [Opening Credits] [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. He is sitting in front of his laptop working on editing his film, when Jen comes upstairs with a smile on her face.] Jen: Ok, well, the show doesn't start till 7:00, so you actually probably have time to change into one of your cooler t-shirts. Dawson: None of my t-shirts are cool? Jen: You're missing my point. Dawson: Yeah, I--I am, actually. What is--uh-- the--the point is where do you think we're going tonight? Jen: The concert...veneer. They're opening for north America, and I have to interview them after the show because nobody else wanted to. Dawson: And I said I would go to this? Jen: Spoken like a true boyfriend. Dawson: It's--[Laughs] There's this screening tonight at the school, and, uh, the thing is I asked Joey if she would go with me. And I kind of don't feel right just leaving her alone. Jen: No, of course not. [With a somewhat disappointed look on her face she sits on the end of his bed] Dawson: Ahem. Does it bother you? Jen: [Sighs] I just wish that we had a clean slate sometimes, that's all. You know? Dawson: Hi, I'm Dawson. [He looks at her with one of his Cute smiles, and she caves in.] Jen: Hi, I'm Jen. [she begins to smile and almost laughingly] Ok, go. Go to the movie with Joey. Dawson: Ahem. Are you sure? Jen: Yes, of course, I'm sure. I'm totally sure. Dawson: What about your thing? Jen: You would've hated it anyway, and you'll have fun at the movie, and I will go to the concert with somebody who appreciates the finer points of rock and roll. [They Kiss] [Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. Audrey is listening to her radio loudly as she cleans when she hears a knock on the door. She grabs the remote and turns the radio off, and goes to answer the door. Pacey is standing outside it.] Audrey: [Sighs] Oh. It's you. Am I, like, late for work or something? Pacey: Of course you're not late for work. It's our day off, and if I remember correctly, Joey has classes, which means— [he goes to grab her but she stops him] Audrey: Pacey, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to tell you. Um... the other night... I'm afraid that's just gonna have to remain in that beautiful memory category. Pacey: [Sighs] I should've called, right? I knew I should've called. I mean, I saw you on Saturday, but why didn't I just pick up the phone and call. It would've been so simple. Audrey: Pacey... clearly, when you and I had s*x, we created some sort of... cosmic imbalance, ok? Like, a karmic disturbance, if you will, and what this means is that bad energy is seeking us out. Ok? It's here, and it's hovering. Pacey: Hmm. Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but those guys in Ghostbusters, they're not real scientists. Audrey: Let's just review. You and I had s*x in your car on Friday night. Pacey: Yes, we did. Audrey: Think, Pacey. What else happened very late on Friday night? Pacey: Uh, well, Joey had her little minor run-in with the criminal element, but she's fine. We all rallied around her. That's it?! That?! No, come on. You can't be serious. Audrey: I'm sorry, Pacey. It's just--it's the way that it's gotta be. Pacey: But she's fine! You're not even gonna give me the chance to tell you how ridiculous this is? Audrey: I know what I know. [She pushes him out the door, and goes to close it, but he stops her.] Pacey: Ok, then, fine. We don't have to have s*x. Audrey: What? Pacey: We don't have to have s*x. We can spend some time together, get to know each other a little bit. That way you can disperse all of the bad karmic energy, and I can get much better about this when to call thing. Audrey: No. I'm sorry. I'm just-- I'm not interested. I can't just hang out with you, Pacey, not after what happened the other night. Ok, maybe if the s*x had been bad. [Pacey gets a big smile on his face] Pacey: You thought the s*x was good? Audrey: Well, yeah, didn't you? Pacey: Oh, yeah, but, you know, thank you. Audrey: You're welcome. See, this is exactly why I can't just hang out with you. No, I'm sorry. I am not gonna subject myself to some sort of platonic torture test. [Sighs] I'm just not that kind of girl. [Scene: Outside Wilder's office. Joey is sitting on the floor across the hall from his door waiting. When the door opens Wilder and another student come out.] Wilder: [Sighs] And don't be afraid to come and see me again if you get lost, ok? Student: [Chuckles] [The student leaves, and Joey and wilder stand for a few seconds silently staring at one another. Wilder motions for her to go into his office and enters behind her.] Wilder: [Sighs] Every day is groundhog day with us, ms. Potter. Trouble is we never seem to get any smarter. Joey: Well, I thought I'd change our luck by changing the venue. Wilder: So did you make up some sort of academic pretext or is this, uh, purely a social visit? Joey: No. I thought I owed you an explanation. Wilder: For leaving my house Friday night and never coming back. Joey: There's a reason. Wilder: Oh, I'm sure there is, but for god's sakes, don't tell me. Joey: Why not? Wilder: Well, you're ruin the very writerly effect you created when you left-- the assignation made but never kept, doomed love at its finest. It's very Henry James, slash, Edith Wharton. Very Lily Bart. In fact, anyone ever compare you to Lily Bart before, ms. Potter? Joey: No. But if I remember correctly, she ends up poverty-stricken, alone, and pretty much kills herself. Wilder: Hmph. Ok, bad example. Maybe--maybe, uh, uh, fanny price perhaps or--or Jane Eyre maybe. In any case, that's who you are. You're the girl in the 19th century novel who would perversely refuse to marry for money no matter how much it would raise her station in life, the girl who would say yes, sleep on it... recover her moral principles, and then break the guy's heart the next morning, which, of course, only increases your appeal. Principles are incredibly sexy, you know. Joey: [Sighs] Look, can I talk now? Wilder: Only if you promise not to explain anything. Joey: Well, I can't promise you that. Wilder: Then I'm afraid we're at an impasse here. Joey: So... that's it? The whole thing is over just like that just because you say it is? Wilder: We haven't covered endings yet, have we, in class? Best ending in all of literature, and don't say Ulysses because everybody says Ulysses. Joey: You can't be serious. Wilder: I think we both know what happened Friday night. Joey: We do? Wilder: Yeah. You saved my life that night, my life and possibly my career-- neither of which are so impressive that they deserve to be saved, but... uh, I guess what I'm trying to say is... I don't need to know why you didn't come back that night. I just need to say thank you. [Door opens, and a woman looks in] Woman: Oh, sorry, David. You done in here? Wilder: Joey? Joey: Y-yeah. We're done. Wilder: See you in class. Joey: Thanks. [Scene: Outside Grams' house. Pacey is standing outside throwing rocks at one of the windows, with no affect.] Pacey: Ok, fine. [He goes and grabs another handful and begins throwing again, when Jack walks around the corner of the house.] Jack: Pacey. Why are you throwing rocks at my window? Pacey: That's not Jen's window? Jack: [Laughs] No. Pacey: Oh. [Laughs] Eh, my bad. Look, could you just send her down? Jack: Who, Jen? Pacey: No, Audrey. Just tell her I'm back. I'm rested, and I am ready to argue. Jack: You came here looking for Audrey? Pacey: Yeah. Look, I know for a fact that's she's going to that concert thing with Jen tonight, and I'm sure they're just in there pimping away right now. Jack: Primping, not--not pimping. Pacey: I know what I said. Jack: Oh, ho, a little agitated there, buddy. Pacey: Yes, I am a little agitated, ok? Let me give you a little word of advice about girls, my friend. Jack: Ok Pacey: They like to be called. Even when they said they don't wanna be called, they wanna be called, especially when there's s*x involved. Jack: Whoa, wait a minute. You had s*x with Audrey? Pacey: Yes, yes, I did. Jack: And you didn't call her? Pacey: No, I didn't call her. Ok? [out loud] I didn't call her. [Sighs] Now that Joey's been mugged, Audrey has somehow gotten it into her head that it's our fault. Jack: That's ridiculous. I mean, Joey getting mugged has nothing to do with you and Audrey having s*x. Pacey: Finally, someone who agrees with me, so look, could you just go up there and send her down, please? Jack: No. They're gone. They're gone. Uh, they pimped out of here ages ago. Sorry. Pacey: Well, great. That's just great. Obviously, this night has not gone quite the way that I had envisioned it, but the important part here, Jack, is that I still have my dignity. Jack: Mmph. Pacey: So... what are you doin' tonight? Jack: Actually, I know this bar that does not card. Pacey: Sold. Jack: Yeah, pace, I gotta tell ya-- Pacey: tell me on the way. [Pacey walks off, and Jack goes off after him] Jack: Ok. [Scene. Backstage at the concert. Jen and Audrey are walking around aimlessly, trying to figure out where they are.] Audrey: Do you realize where we are right now? We are backstage at a rock concert. How cool is that? Jen: Actually, we're lost backstage at a rock concert, which is significantly less cool. Audrey: I thought that the guy said 3 lefts. Jen: 3 lefts would be a circle, Audrey. Audrey: No. 4 lefts is a circle. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're backstage at a rock concert. Jen: Let's go this way. Audrey: All right, before we get there, you have to promise to let me have the cute one. Jen: You said that they were all cute. Audrey: Well, yeah, onstage. Everybody's cute onstage, you know? I mean, like, the whole buzz, the music, instruments. Jen: Their music was awful. It was puerile and--and gimmicky. Audrey: Ok, just let me have the lead singer, all right? Jen: Ok, fine, but you know what? Uh, just to set the record straight, you may be here on some misguided, hormonally charged attempt to get the Pacey out of your system-- Audrey: which you promised not to comment on. Jen: And I'm not going to-- but I, on the other hand, am here out of purely professional reasons. I'm going to meet this band. I'm going to take them back to the radio station, interview them, and then I go home to Dawson. Audrey: Who's out right now with Joey. Jen: Which doesn't bother me a bit. Because I, unlike you, am totally capable of having a mature, committed, trusting, adult relationship, and I would really appreciate it if you could just show a modicum of profes— [they run into one of the band members coming out of a side door Steve: hey. Jen: Hi. Steve: Hey, Wynn, did we order 2 beautiful blondes? [Wynn comes out to join them] Wynn: Uh, yes, yes, we did. Wynn. Jen: Hi. Wynn: Hi. Jen: I'm Jen from WBCW. This is my friend Audrey. Um, you're Stephen? Steve: Steve, just--just call me Steve. Wynn: So what'd you think? Audrey: It was a great set. You did— Jen: it was... really good. Audrey: Yeah. Man. Steve: We'll go get our coats. [SCENE_BREAK] Audrey: Ok. Changed my mind. Want the one with the beard. [Scene: The movie theater. Dawson and Joey are walking in right after getting their tickets.] Joey: So I take it you're starting to like it here? Dawson: Yeah. I am. At first, I didn't think I'd fit in, but— Joey: and now you're just as pretentious as the rest of them. Dawson: Goddard is not pretentious. He's very funny. How could you not love a movie where the guy's fake name on the passport is Laszlo Kovacs? Joey: Well, it helps if you have no idea who that is. Dawson: He's an incredibly famous cinematographer. You used to know this stuff. Joey: Wrong. I only pretended to know stuff like this so that you would be impressed with me. Dawson: [Laughs] You are way more of a girl than I ever imagined. Joey: Yeah, well, you're way more into French cinema. Dawson: Isn't that your, uh, teacher? Joey: What? Dawson: The--the dark-haired guy. I can't remember his name-- your professor. [She looks over and see Wilder, then sees another woman walk up to join him] Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. Dawson: Should we go say hello? Joey: Let's not. Dawson: Ok [Somewhat confused] [Scene: The bar. Jack and Pacey are at the bar, getting their drinks and talking] Pacey: So I wonder what they're doing right now? Jack: Are you thinkin' about chasin'? Pacey: Me? Nah. Why? You think I should? Jack: Chase her? Pacey: Well, when you weigh a little personal pride against the opportunity for great s*x, it's— Jack: s*x wins. Pacey: Yes, every time, and women do like to be chased. Jack: Right up to the point where they file for that restraining order. Pacey: Right. You got a good point there. Jack: I generally do. Cheers. Pacey: Cheers. [Glasses clink] Pacey: Though, I'm not really sure we should be doing this. Jack: What, drinkin'? I told ya. They don't card at this place. Pacey: No. I'm talkin' about your recent track record. You see, I'd hate to spend the night in jail after you run into a couple of your frat brothers and do a little dance on their skulls. Jack: Drink up, will you? It's not gonna happen here. This isn't the kind of place. Pacey: I like this place, man. They got cheap beer, late-night appetizer menu. The only problem is there's not a lot of women here. [suddenly realizes where he is] Jack, this wouldn't happen to be a-- Jack: mm-hmm. Pretty much. Pacey: That much, huh? Jack: That much. Pacey: Well, it's funny. It really doesn't seem like it's all that... Jack: gay? I know. That's why I like it. Listen, I gotta hit the head. [goes to leave, but stops and turns back to Pacey] Jack: Ohh. Ahem. Hey, you're not, like, you know... weirded out by all this. Pacey: Me? Nah. Jack: 'Cause I probably should have mentioned, you know— Pacey: look, Jack, like, I never been in a gay bar before. Yeah. You guys are great. [Jack leaves and Pacey looks worriedly around] [Scene: The radio station. Steve is looking through the music, and Jen watches on in wonderment.] [Music playing] Jen: You know, if you wanna just tell me what it is that you're looking for, I could probably help you find it. Steve: Let's see. Ah, success. Donovan. Jen: The sixties Donovan? Steve: Donovan is long overdue for a major revival. Jen: [Laughs] Not on my radio show he's not. Steve: Sounds like someone doesn't like losing control. Jen: Ok, why don't we just keep the personal stuff out of this, and we can stick to music. Steve: Do you have a boyfriend? Jen: It's none of your business. Steve: [Clicks tongue] [Music ends] Steve: It's over. Jen: Uh, whe--when? What? Steve: The song... on the radio. It's over. Jen: Oh! Yeah. [Jen realizes that there is dead air and runs to start another song] [in another area, Audrey and Wynn are sitting on a couch together talking] Audrey: So after this, then what? Wynn: New York, Philly, D.C., And head back down south-- the Carolinas-- where you'll find excellent barbecue and one of the greatest rock and roll venues ever. Audrey: Really? Wynn: Mm-hmm. Audrey: What's so great about it? Wynn: Laundromat on one side, used record store on the other. Audrey: What, you can't rock without clean socks? Wynn: [Laughs] Well, I can, but I prefer not to. Audrey: Right. And then? Wynn: Home. Charlottesville, Virginia. Yeah, that's where my girlfriend lives. Audrey: Mm-hmm. [he pulls out his wallet and shows her a picture] Wynn: Kim. She's getting her PhD. In anthropology. Audrey: She's pretty. Wynn: Yeah, and that's our vicious dog bowie. Audrey: Oh, well, it's nice. Wynn: Yeah, it is. Boring, though. That's what you're thinking, right? Audrey: Well... now that you mention it. I don't know. It doesn't seem very rock and roll, does it? Wynn: What, monogamy? Audrey: Yeah. Come on. Don't you ever get the urge to do something bad? Wynn: Yeah, but I don't. I mean, I love my girlfriend. Audrey: And it's really just that simple for you? Wynn: Yeah. Why wouldn't it be? Audrey: I don't know. I guess I just-- I think of relationships as being more complicated than that. Wynn: They are. Bad relationships. [Scene: At the bar. Pacey is standing at one of the tables talking to another guy when, Jack comes out and sees him. Someone surprised he walks over to join them.] Pacey: [Pacey sighs] That's not bread. It's sawdust. I mean, at civilization we bake the stuff our self, ok? [Jack walks up and stands next to Pacey] Jack: Pacey. Pacey: Hey, Jack. Good to see you again. Let me introduce you. Jeff, Jeff, Jack, Jack, Jeff. Jack: Hey, Jeff. Nice to meet you. [He turns to Pacey]Uh, talk to you for a sec. Pacey: Sure thing. [he sees that Jack want to talk to him] Excuse me for a second. [they walk out of ear shot of Jeff] Pacey: Can you believe what a small world it is? That guy's a food critic for a very big magazine in town, and he said he'd pretty much given up on civilization, right? I believe passé was his word, but I'm changin' all that. Jack: Hmm. So how long you been talkin' to that guy? Pacey: I don't know. Couple minutes. Who cares? What's important is that he is this far away from giving us a write-up. Jack: Hmm. What's he want in return? Pacey: Eh-eh. Wait. You don't think that he thinks that I'm— Jack: mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Unless some time in the past few minutes you've just happened to mention the fact that, uh, gee, I don't know, you're not gay. Pacey: Jack, look at me, ok? Really look at me. I'm a schlub, ok? I'm not gay friendly. I would be an insult to gaydom. Jack: Ok, you might have a point there, but the guy was hangin' on your every word. Pacey: Sure he was. So? Jack: So you're not that interesting. Pacey: I'm not? Jack: No. He--look... nobody listens that hard, ok, unless they're just tryin' to, you know— Pacey: oh. Interesting. Jack: What? Pacey: Well... I think for the first time in my life, I understand what it must be like to be a woman, a really hot woman. Jack: Oh. Uh... not that hot. Pacey: I'm not? Jack: Not really. I mean--look, could we-- what are we gonna do here, all right? You wanna go over and tell him or should I? Pacey: What? We can't tell him now. He's gonna think that I purposefully deceived him. Jack: All right, so I'll go over, and I will just explain to him what an idiot you are. Pacey: Or we could just gloss over that idiot thing for the next little while, until he agrees to do the story, because he is a major critic, and this would mean a ton of business for my restaurant. Jack: I know. I know, but what are you gonna do when he asks you for your number, huh? Pacey: I will look him right in the eye and give him your phone number. Jack: You wouldn't— no. Come on. We're tellin' the truth. Pacey: [Groans] [Scene: The radio station. Jen is in the booth with Steve and Wynn interviewing them on the air.] [Music ends] Jen: [Sighs] All right, uh, so we are back, uh, folks, with veneer in town 2 nights, opening for North America, on their aptly titled North American tour. Steve: You know, I never really got that. We never went to Canada, not once. Wynn: Or Mexico. Steve: Chicago twice. Jen: Uh, listen, so opening sucks, right? Wynn: No, not when you're opening for a totally rockin' band like North America. Jen: Yeah, but seriously, uh, there's a whole crowd that's not there to see you. They're impatient. They just wanna get it over with. Steve: True, but, you know, sometimes you win them over, and then the victory's even sweeter. Jen: How so? Steve: Well, more than likely they prejudged you. They've taken one look at you, and they've said, "no, not for me." And then we proceed to rock. We don't ask for a lot. [Scene: The movie Theater. Joey and Dawson are walking in to the seating area, and Dawson points down to 2 empty seat.] Dawson: Here is good. Joey: Yeah. [Joey goes and takes a seat, and notices Wilder walking in at the same time to take a seat] Dawson: [Sighs] You sure you don't wanna just go over and say hi? Joey: God, no. How embarrassing would that be? I mean, he's obviously on a date or something. Dawson: Yeah, but if he sees you, isn't he gonna wonder why you didn't say something? Joey: What's the movie about anyway? Dawson: [Laughs] She says, changing the subject. Joey: Well? Dawson: Uh, Humphrey Bogart is a struggling screenwriter, uh, accused of murder. It's--it's noir except it's not, so the whole thing is sort of famously ambiguous. Joey: So you pretty much have to be a film geek to wanna see it. Dawson: Or you have to be a really good friend of the film geek. Joey: Right. Like us. They could just be friends. Dawson: Your teacher and the girl he's kissing? [Joey turns to see Wilder and the woman kissing very passionately] Joey? Do you have a crush on your English professor? Joey: What? No. It's--it's weird. Dawson: It's not that weird. Teachers do have personal lives. They have been known to kiss people from time to time. Joey: Yeah, lots of people. [The lights go down.] It's starting. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Radio Station. Audrey and Wynn are sitting on a couch talking to one another again.] Wynn: So what's he like? This guy you're so afraid to admit you're gaga over. Audrey: I am not gaga. Wynn: Excuse me? How well do we know each other now? Audrey: Not at all. Wynn: Uh, which is exactly why you should tell me the truth. My advice will be totally neutral. Audrey: He's... a cook. Well, he bakes bread, actually. And he just so happens to be my roommate's ex-boyfriend. Wynn: Mmm. Minor league. What other excuses are you gonna throw at me? Come on, I've heard them all. Audrey: You've never heard this one. Wynn: Try me. Audrey: Do you believe in god? Wynn: That depends. Audrey: It can't depend. Either you do or you don't. Wynn: It depends whether you're gonna ruin a perfectly decent evening by trying to convert me to something. Audrey: My roommate... she got mugged the other night. Wynn: I'm sorry. Audrey: Anyway, she... left me this message, which, of course, I didn't get until the next morning, because I was having s*x with her ex-boyfriend. And on it, she said that she was ok and that she was spending the night with a friend and not to worry. Wynn: But you did. Audrey: Yeah. I could tell by her voice that something was really, really wrong. So I... made this deal with god. I said "god, please let Joey be ok. "Like, really and truly ok, "and I will walk the path of moral righteousness. I will do everything right for a change." Wynn: So no more trying to pick up guys in rock and roll bands? Audrey: [Laughs] Well, god doesn't want me to be nun. Wynn: Oh, he just wants you to give up this one particular guy. Audrey: Yes. I mean, he must, you know? It's got to be, like, some kind of sign. Otherwise, this whole thing with Pacey is just too... Wynn: too what? Audrey: Easy. Wynn: Maybe that's your sign. [Audrey begins to see the logic] [Scene: In another room. Jen and Steve are sitting on a couch talking.] Jen: Ok, I didn't say funny, I said clever. Steve: Oh, and clever is bad? Jen: Clever is distancing. Clever puts up this wall between you and the audience. So you can't trust clever. Steve: I see. So in general, you trust passion. Has passion always steered you right in life? Jen: Well, I mean, no, not in life, but... Steve: but in art. Jen: Yeah, but art is supposed to be passionate. Art is supposed to make you feel— Steve: no, no. Life is supposed to make you feel. Art is supposed to make you feel good. Jen: Is that all that art is supposed to do? Steve: No, but if you need it to do more, then... maybe there's something wrong with your life. Jen: Are you saying that there is something wrong with my life? Steve: I--I don't know. I don't really know you that well. For example, do you have a boyfriend? Jen: You already asked me that. Steve: You didn't answer. Jen: Well, why do you keep asking? Steve: Because I'm interested. Jen: [Sighs] In what? Steve: In you. [He begins to pull colder to her and she stops him] Jen: Oh, gosh, no... I do have a boyfriend. Steve: You're making it up. Just now. You're making that up. Jen: No. No, really. Um... I do have a boyfriend, and he's a really nice guy. And I... wouldn't in a hundred million years, do anything to hurt him. So... Steve: I got it. Jen: Ok. Good. [Scene: The bar. Pacey is still at the table talking to Jeff about the food at the restaurant. Jack is just sitting there bored out of his mind with his chin rested on his hands.] Jeff: The carbonara's not a cream sauce? Pacey: No. It's raw egg yolk, actually. So while it could kill you, who wants to live in a world where food isn't an adventure, right? Jeff: [Laughs] [Jack interrupts Pacey] Jack: Now. Pacey: Right, um... Jeff, there's something I gotta tell ya. I'm not, uh... the thing is, I'm not totally... totally, uh... Jeff: available? You're not available. That's what you're trying to say. Pacey: Yes. That's exactly what I'm trying to say. Jeff: I sort of suspected. You seem very... together. Pacey: And we are. [He puts his arm around Jack] Jeff: Well, it was nice meeting you both. [Jeff stands up to leave] You know, I don't usually do this, but what the hell. [Sighs] If you guys ever break up, give me a call sometime. [He hands Jack one of his cards] Pacey: What just happened right there? I think that I should be insulted on several different levels about that. Jack: [Chuckles] Pacey, you're not gay. Pacey: Well, I know that and you know that, but he doesn't know that. So far as he's concerned, you're my boyfriend. [Scene: The theater. Joey and Dawson are sitting together watching the film, but you can tell that Joey has other things on her mind] Bogart: I know. It's just another picture. Man: Are you in any position to be choosy? You haven't written a hit since before the war. And your last picture-- Bogart: So it stunk. Everybody makes flops except you. You haven't had one because you've made and re-made the same picture for the last 20 years. You know what you are? You're a popcorn salesman. Man: That's right. So are you. The only difference between us is that I don't fight it. Bogart: One day I'll surprise you and write something good. Man: Althea Bruce will do it. Bogart: Althea Bruce— Man: All you gotta do is follow the book... [Joey sees Wilder get up and leave, and gets up to follow after him] Joey: excuse me. Second man: Hiya, kiddies. What a picture I made. Just got back from the preview. Pasadena's out of its mind... [Out at the concession stand. Wilder is just standing there all alone, and Joey walks us behind him] Wilder: great title. I think I might steal it for something. Joey: How'd you know it was me? Wilder: Saw you when you came in. Should I be jealous? Joey: Are you jealous? Wilder: [Exhales] Like Medea. Joey: He's just a friend. Wilder: Mine's not. Joey: Not what? Wilder: A friend. I mean, she is, but, sometimes we go out, and we have a few drinks, we go back to my place. She forgets why I'm not right for her. Joey: Why are you telling me this? Wilder: I'm trying to get you to hate me. Joey: Well, it's working. So what is the best ending in all of literature? Don't say Ulysses. Everyone says Ulysses. Wilder: That's easy. Sentimental education by Flaubert. Joey: And what happens? Wilder: Nothing, really. Just 2 old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them. Joey: How do you remember something that never happened? Wilder: Fondly. You see, Flaubert believed that anticipation was the purest form of pleasure... and the most reliable. And that while the things that actually happen to you would invariable disappoint, the things that never happened to you would never dim. Never fade. They would always be engraved in your heart with a sort of sweet sadness. Joey: That sounds... Wilder: deep? Joey: Cowardly. Wilder: [Sighs] Well, uh, us academics aren't generally known for— [She kisses him] Joey: courage. Wilder: Wow. God is really punishing me here. Joey: For what? Wilder: I don't know. I must have done something to a girl when I was 18. You're not trying to tempt me into reconsidering, are you? Joey: No. We don't know each other very well, do we? Wilder: No, we don't. Joey: You have this image of me, this not-entirely-true image of me. Wilder: As a 19th-century heroine? Joey: Yeah. And even though that's not true, I'd rather you go on thinking that it is. Wilder: I think that can be arranged. I should probably get back. Are we ok here? Joey: We're fine. [He begins to walk away, but stops and turns back to her] Wilder: In 5 years... you're gonna know everything I know and more. And I will seem like the biggest dork you ever met. [Scene: The Concession stand. Joey is sitting on a bench with a box of popcorn, when Dawson comes out alone carrying their coats.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. I was just about to come back inside. Dawson: Don't bother. Would you care to elaborate on what you were saying earlier? Joey: [Sighs] You'll miss the rest of your movie. Dawson: [Laughs] I have a feeling this might be a little more interesting. [They leave the theater, and begins walking along the streets together.] Joey: Did you ever meet someone who saw you... I mean, really saw you... but somehow, only saw the best? Dawson: You mean besides you? Joey: Not that. I mean, someone older. Someone who saw everything you could be. If only... Dawson: if only what? Joey: If only you weren't you. Dawson: [Chuckles] Well, after tonight, I kinda think you might not be. You kissed your professor. Joey: [Laughs] Dawson: You kissed the guy who gives you grades. Joey: Is this constructive? Dawson: Sorry. Joey: So the worst part is, is that that night when you called from the movie set... Dawson: yeah? Joey: I was there at his house. Alone. And I went there saying to myself that I was just going to straighten everything out. Dawson: Mm-hmm. But really, you were going over there to make things more complicated. Joey: I don't think the answer to that would sound very like-like. Dawson: I think we're gonna have to come up with a new definition for the term like-like. Joey: Anyway, so you called, I left, and I obviously didn't go back, which is probably a good thing, because... I would have made a gigantic fool of myself. Dawson: Don't say that. You took a risk. You lived. You experienced something, right? Joey: I guess. But now I'll never know. Dawson: Never know what? Joey: What I would have done... at that moment of truth. You know, would I have chickened out, would I have gone through with it? The only way to know would be to— Dawson: stop time. Go backwards. Joey: Yeah. Dawson: Would you wanna do that if you could? Joey: No. And I know that sounds strange. Dawson: Everything happens for a reason, right? Joey: It's not so bad, really. The not knowing. It has this... sweet sadness to it. Dawson: Hmm. I think I'm familiar with that feeling. [Scene: The bar. Jack and Pacey are sittin alone at one of the tables talking to each other.] Pacey: [Sighs] You know, I gotta admit, Jack, I never really pegged you as the type of guy who would come into a place like this alone. Jack: I'm not alone. Pacey: [Clears throat] Heh. That's a good point. Jack: Actually, Audrey brought me here the night you cooked us all dinner. You know, that's... that's kind of the essence of Audrey, isn't it? I mean, she just zeros in on the one thing that you're slightly afraid of, and then she just does not take no for an answer. That's a good quality to have in a person. Pacey: Yes, it is. Jack: Yeah. I wonder who does that for her? Pacey: [Laughs] Ok, uh, I think I'm gonna go, uh... Jack: chase the girls. Pacey: Yes, and chase the girls. Are you gonna come or what? Jack: No, I think I'm gonna hang. Pacey: Ok, cool. I'll see you around, man. Jack: Ok. [Scene: Outside the Radio Station. Audrey and Wynn are next the to their band's van, getting ready to leave, and Steve and Jen are just coming out of the station] Wynn: Take care, Audrey. Audrey: Oh, man. Thanks. [They hug] Wynn: It's been thoroughly, uh... slanted and enchanted. Audrey: Well, thank you, I think, and, um... thanks for the advice. Wynn: No problem. [Yells] Are you comin', Steve? Audrey: Yeah, in a sec. Wynn: Bye. Audrey: See ya. [Wynn gets into the van] Steve: So, your-- your boyfriend. I mean, it must have been love at first sight. I mean, a beautiful girl like you. Jen: See, we were-- we were friends first. Steve: Friends? Jen: Yeah. Steve: So no passion? Jen: Did I say that? Steve: No, but you did say that you don't trust passion. Jen: Yeah, but just because 2 people are friends first doesn't mean that they don't have any passion in their relationship. Steve: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't--- I don't mean to insult your relationship. I mean, it's just... I believe in the connection. You know, that gut reaction that says "this person, this stranger... is meant to be a part of my life," and I don't know. I--I guess I just felt that for you tonight. Jen: Yeah, well, that's a really easy thing for you to say, isn't it? Some rock and roll guy who just comes into town for 24 hours and then leaves? Steve: Well, in that case... [He goes to the van and pulls out some T-Shirts] Steve: Just a little somethin' to remember us by. Jen: [Chuckles] Thanks. Steve: Don't mention it. Jen: Bye. Steve: Bye. [Steve gets into the van and Jen goes and stands next to Audrey] Audrey: You know, this was so not the night I expected. Jen: Yeah, I know. Sorry I took the single one. Audrey: Nah, it happens. You know, maybe it's god's way of telling me I'm not as single as I thought I was. [The van pulls away, and we see Pacey standing next to his car.] Audrey: Mmm... or maybe that is. Aah! Jen: Go. Go on. Make him happy. Audrey: Why would I wanna do a thing like that? Jen: Ok, fine. Go make him miserable. I don't care. Just go to him. Audrey: Ok. Bye. Jen: Bye, sweetie. [Audrey goes over to Pacey, as Jen walks off in the other direction] Pacey: She need a ride? Audrey: She's, um, got a car. Pacey: Do you need a ride? Audrey: [Sighs] I need a life. Pacey: Yeah, you do, don't ya? Audrey: Look, Pacey... I think I need to apologize. Pacey: To me? Audrey: I kinda maybe overreacted a little. Pacey: You don't say? Audrey: I can't help it, ok? Happiness, it freaks me out. It's like all those perfectly manicured lawns at the beginning of blue velvet, you know? You just know something evil lurks beneath. Pacey: You know what the real problem is here, don't you, Audrey? Audrey: No, please enlighten me. Pacey: You are much more afraid to have s*x with me the second time than you were the first. You see, I've had a very educational night tonight at my favorite gay bar, and what I've come up with is I'm just simply not gonna take no for an answer. Audrey: Well, that's not very pc of you. Pacey: No, it's not, and this probably isn't, either. [He kisses her] Pacey: Mmm. So what made you change your mind, anyway? Audrey: I met this really hot guy in the band. Pacey: Wait a minute. This hot guy was... [She kisses him, before he can get another word out.] [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Dawson is lying ion bed reading a book, when Jen comes upstairs carrying the T-shirt that Steve gave her.] Jen: I brought you a t-shirt. Dawson: Cool. Jen: [Laughs] Would I bring you anything less? Dawson: [Chuckles] Jen: [Sighs] Mmm. So how's Joey? Dawson: Would you believe she almost had an affair with her English professor? Jen: Joey? Dawson: Mm-hmm. Jen: Joey potter? Dawson: Yeah. Jen: Wow. Dawson: It was bizarre, actually. It was, like, almost like meeting a new person or something. Jen: What does that mean? Dawson: I don't know. I just... well, like, talking to her tonight, I just realized how much time has passed... how much we've all changed. Jen: And it's so bad? Dawson: Not necessarily. Jen: [Sighs] Can I ask you something? Dawson: What? Jen: Do you think that when, uh, when 2 people are in a relationship, that they should be passionate about the same things in order for it to work? Dawson: No. Not as long as they're passionate about each other. Jen: And we are. Right? We're passionate about each other. Dawson: You're not having doubts about us, are you? Jen: No. No, I'm just tired. I don't know. Insane. Dawson: [Laughs] [He puts down his book, and they curl up together, and lie in each other's arms as the camera pulls away]
Plan: A: their new relationships; Q: What are Jen and Audrey tempted to risk? A: cute musicians; Q: What type of people did Audrey and Jen interview? A: surprise; Q: What is Pacey caught by when Jack takes him to a gay bar? A: the evening; Q: How long do Dawson and Joey spend together? Summary: Jen and Audrey are tempted to risk their new relationships with Dawson and Pacey after interviewing a couple of cute musicians. Meanwhile, Pacey is caught by surprise when Jack takes him to a gay bar, and Dawson and Joey spend the evening together.
51st Episode of Roswell Production Code: 3ADA08 [SCENE_BREAK] [Max and Liz are in Mr. Evan's office looking at the conspiracy board] LIZ: You ok? MAX: I can't believe this. My whole life is up here. LIZ: Yeah. So is mine. He knows that I'm a part of this. MAX: My own father. "Tess." LIZ: he's got cards up here for everything... Los Angeles, Utah... The jeep. MAX: I got rid of it. LIZ: Yeah, because you thought you'd never need it again. MAX: I was going home. LIZ: Max, maybe you should tell your father. You know, let him in on the secret. MAX: No. No, I can't. Not ever. LIZ: Max- MAX: these are my parents. I can't--I can't put them in this kind of danger. They can't ever know the truth. LIZ: So, what are you gonna do? MAX: The necklace I gave you when I thought I was leaving... LIZ: Yeah, what about it? MAX: I need it back. [Liz and Maria are talking in the Crashdown] MARIA: So he didn't take it well, huh? LIZ: Alien Defcon 5. MARIA: It'll be ok, I hope. LIZ: Let Max talk to Michael. MARIA: Right. [Sighs] MICHAEL: so, when does Billy get here? MARIA: I don't know. I thought he'd be here by now. LIZ: Billy who? MARIA: Billy Darden. LIZ: First-kiss Billy? He's coming here? MARIA: Yes. He's on his way to New York. KYLE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your ex-boyfriend's coming to visit? That's not legal. MARIA: He's not my ex-boyfriend. We kissed once 4 years ago. I was 13, and Michael knows all about it. MICHAEL: Yeah, we're all going to dinner. LIZ: No. No mayo on that one. Um, so, where's he gonna stay? MARIA: At my house. KYLE: Your mom's ok with this? MARIA: My mom's out of town. KYLE: What? MICHAEL: It's fine. There's your no-mayo. KYLE: Michael, Michael, Michael. Let me explain something to you. Here on the planet earth we have this thing called jealousy. MICHAEL: Kyle, relax. I have nothing to be jealous about. They were 13-year-old geeks at band camp. MARIA: Ok, first of all, it was a, uh, songwriter's workshop. And, uh... Billy wasn't a geek. He was just a little skinny. He had a little acne on the face, but- MICHAEL: and braces. MARIA: We all had braces. All right, fine. He was a little bit of a geek. KYLE: And you kissed him? MARIA: Would you shut up? MICHAEL: Shut up. [A young good looking guys comes into the Crashdown] MARIA: Hello. Table or booth? BILLY: It's me. MARIA: Billy? BILLY: Yeah. MARIA: No. BILLY: Yeah. MARIA: Come here. Oh, my god. BILLY: Ohh. God, look at you. [A dozen eggs sitting next to Michael, suddenly explode] MARIA: Oh. Um, let's go this way. BILLY: All right. KYLE: I guess the braces worked. BILLY: God, last time I saw you you were like 13 going on 30. MARIA: And you were like 98 pounds going on this. You look great. BILLY: Now don't take this the wrong way, but have you looked in a mirror? I mean, you went from the girl no one wanted to dance with to the prom queen. MARIA: Now how am I supposed to take that the wrong way? And shut up. BILLY: I'm serious, really. You look great, Maria. MARIA: Thanks. Ahem. So... Uh, how long are you staying? BILLY: Uh, just a couple days. Uh, is it cool with your mom, me staying over? MARIA: Sure. Yeah. And anyway, she's, uh, she's actually gonna be out of town for a couple of days. BILLY: Oh. Well, uh, I can't wait to hear what you've been working on. MARIA: Working on? BILLY: Your music. MARIA: Oh. BILLY: God, I can still remember some of the lyrics you wrote back at band camp. MARIA: God. Yeah, most of it was crap, anyway. BILLY: Oh, come on. MARIA: If anyone asks, though, it was a songwriters workshop. BILLY: Oh. [Max opens the back door of Crashdown and whispers] MAX: Michael! MICHAEL: What are you doing in here? MAX: When do you get off work? MICHAEL: 10 minutes. But I've got plans with Maria and Billy bob Thornton out there. MAX: Something came up. Cancel them. [Maria and Billy are talking in front of the restaurant] BILLY: That is so funny. MICHAEL: Hi. BILLY: Hey. MICHAEL: I'm the boyfriend. BILLY: Hey. Billy. Nice to meet you. MARIA: Ready to go? MICHAEL: Gotta cancel. MARIA: Wait a minute. I was gonna cook. MICHAEL: Something came up. MARIA: What? MICHAEL: It's work-related. MARIA: Oh. Of course. MICHAEL: Steve's wife, Cheryl, she got the flu on my other job, so I gotta cover for her... BILLY: Oh. Him. MICHAEL: Yeah. Sorry, Billy. BILLY: Oh, no. You gotta do what you gotta do, you know? MICHAEL: I'll make it up to you. I promise. MICHAEL: Nice meeting you. BILLY: Yeah. He seems nice. MARIA: Oh, yeah. He's a peach. [Isabel and Jesse are moving into their new apartment] ISABEL: Oh, no-no-no, honey! Those go in the bedroom. Those boxes go in the bedroom. JESSE: Uh-huh. ISABEL: Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. You were right. Kitchen. JESSE: I just remembered. We forgot something. ISABEL: Oh, jeez! Wow! You're really strong. JESSE: Ok, it's tradition... [Jesse picks Isabel up and walks her over the threshold] JESSE: Mrs. Ramirez, welcome to your new home. ISABEL: Thank you, Mr. Ramirez. I love you so much. JESSE: Me, too. [Telephone rings] ISABEL: I should get that. JESSE: And I should get more boxes. But we should... ISABEL: Continue this later? JESSE: Yes. [Ring] [ring] ISABEL: hello? MAX: Did you find your healing stone? ISABEL: Yes, i did. It was in the box that i said it was gonna be in. You are way overreacting to this whole thing. MAX: No, I'm not, Isabel. Dad is on the warpath. ISABEL: He's our father, not the enemy. Listen to me- Mr Evans: Isabel? ISABEL: Oh, my god! Mr Parker: Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. The door was open. ISABEL: Oh, can I call you back? I'll call you back. Ok, bye. Hi, dad. Um... What's up? Mr Evans: I just wanted to see your new place. It's nice. Cozy. Uh, from your mother and me. [Mr Evans hands a plant to Isabel] ISABEL: Ooh, thank you so much. Thank you. Um, you really should have waited, though, until, you know, we got a little more unpacked and situated. Mr Evans: Nah, that's all right. Where's, uh, Jesse? ISABEL: He's outside by the truck, I think. Mr Evans: I can't believe how grown up my kids are. You with your new house, Max with his new car. ISABEL: Yeah. Grown up. Mr Evans: I guess I have to get used to my new role. I didn't get the chance to help you find this place. I didn't even know Max was getting a new car. ISABEL: Yeah, it all just happened really fast, you know? Mr Evans: Do you even know when he got rid of the jeep? MARIA: I can't believe you're doing it. Moving to New York, huh? BILLY: Yeah. Greenwich village. MARIA: Playing seedy bars and coffee shops. BILLY: Well, that was the plan. MARIA: Yeah, but there are plans and then there are plans. BILLY: Well, I guess this was the plan. MARIA: Yeah, I guess so. So, what are you gonna do for money? BILLY: As long as I make enough to get by, I'm fine, you know? MARIA: Oh, god, that is so romantic, I could just scream. BILLY: Come on. It was your idea. MARIA: I know, but I mean, I was 13 and talkin' about going to the big city. Even then I knew it was just talk. Here. Taste. BILLY: That's pretty good. That's not how I remember it. I mean, even back then you were pretty dead serious about your music. I mean, you're the one that gave me the bug. If I hadn't have met you, I'd still be playing stairway to heaven in my mom's garage. MARIA: Well, I guess for me music was just more of like a passing thing. BILLY: Well, I find that very hard to believe. MARIA: What are you doing? BILLY: The sauce is just a little thin, so I'm gonna show you a little family secret. MARIA: In my sauce? You're putting creamer- BILLY: shh. Come on. Try it. Try it. Try it. MARIA: Ok. Mm-hmm. BILLY: Mm-hmm. MARIA: Not bad. [Back at Jesse and Isabel's apartment] JESSE: Your dad introduced me to some new clients as his son-in-law. ISABEL: This floor is way too hard. JESSE: Do you think i should start calling him dad? Ha ha! That is too weird. I won't do it. ISABEL: We could use a blanket. I'll be right back . JESSE: Hey, where are you going? ISABEL: To get a blanket. JESSE: Why? ISABEL: So we can have s*x. JESSE: In here? ISABEL: Yes. It's tradition that when a couple moves into their new place, they make love in every room of the house. JESSE: Ok. Can I finish flossing my teeth? Oh! Before I forget, your dad- ISABEL: please! Could we just not talk about my dad for a second here? JESSE: Yeah, sure. ISABEL: Oh, ok. What'd he say? JESSE: He's bringing up Utah. Utah? Yeah, Max's little crime spree. He keeps asking me what I think really happened. ISABEL: What did you say? JESSE: That I think Max is hiding something. Damned if I know what it is. What do you think? ISABEL: You wanna know what I think? I think that as long as my father and Max continue to invade my life with you, tradition is gonna have to wait. JESSE: What did I just do? [Isabel storms out] [Billy and Maria are talking] MARIA: No! Oh, my god! No! BILLY: There she is. Right there. MARIA: Look at my hair and my eyes. Ugh! BILLY: Come on. It was your late 90s retro Annie Lennox phase. You know, you were experimenting. I think it was cute. MARIA: Right. Burn those now. BILLY: Oh, no--oh, no. These are goin' to the big apple where they'll be prominently displayed in my guitar case where people will be throwing money. MARIA: Look at that! Look at-- this hair spray alone could choke a horse. BILLY: Ok. Well, look past the somewhat flammable hair and see what I see. MARIA: Which is what? Bad eyeliner? BILLY: Nah. Dreams. Look. This girl... Has beautiful dreams. And she makes beautiful music. So, what happened to her? MARIA: Nothing. She just grew up. BILLY: Right. Right. [Max and Michael are digging a hole in the dessert] MICHAEL: Is this deep enough? MAX: Almost. MICHAEL: Max, we've been up all night collecting every conceivable alien artifact that ever crashed in this god-forsaken planet, including all of Tess's stuff. I'm tired. MAX: All right. That's deep enough. We still need your healing stone. MICHAEL: I think it's at Maria's. MAX: You think it's at Maria's? MICHAEL: Yeah. I don't know. Most likely. MAX: I bet if it was one of your Metallica cds you'd know where it was. MICHAEL: Hey! You wanna bring that up again? The reason I got pissed is you put and justice for all before master of puppets. MAX: Yeah. Alphabetical order. MICHAEL: They go in order of the release date. MAX: And you don't know where your healing stone is? MICHAEL: You still wanna sleep on my couch? [Cell phone rings] MAX: hello? ISABEL: Jesse is asking all kinds of questions about you, Max. You're right. Dad is out of control. We have to do something. MAX: Isabel, calm down. Just tell me what happened. MICHAEL: What's going on? MAX: My dad's recruited Jesse into this crusade of his. MICHAEL: Ok, Max, you need to talk to your father. Keep your friends close... MICHAEL: And your enemies closer. ISABEL: Our father is not the enemy, Max. MICHAEL: Talk to him. Make nice. Get close. Find out what he-- [The camera pans back. A man is hiding behind some rocks taking pictures of Max and Michael] [Later, Michael is knocking on Maria's door- Billy answers] MICHAEL: you haven't left yet. BILLY: Oh, no, man. Late night. Sorry. I'm leaving later today. MICHAEL: How was dinner? BILLY: It was good, man. It was good. BILLY: How's Steve's wife? MICHAEL: Who? BILLY: Steve's wife, with the flu. You covered for him. Remember? Yeah. She's great. She's fine. Is Maria around? BILLY: No, man. You just missed her. Just missed her. Can I leave her a note or a message or something? MICHAEL: No. I'm here to pick something up. BILLY: Can I help you look? MICHAEL: No. That's ok. BILLY: What are you looking for? MICHAEL: Something I need. [Michael puts the healing stone in his pocket] BILLY: Hey, when did Maria stop writing music? MICHAEL: She messes around with it once in a while. BILLY: Well, how often does she mess around with it? MICHAEL: Is this goin' somewhere? BILLY: No. I mean, maybe. I mean, I don't know. I'm just... I'm just wondering if she's given up on writing and singing altogether. MICHAEL: I really wouldn't know. BILLY: Well, listen, man, she's really good. I mean, she's really good. MICHAEL: Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. MICHAEL: I guess what I'm looking for isn't here. BILLY: Well, I'd tell her you stopped by, but I got a bus to catch. [Later, Michael is making sauce at the Crashdown] MARIA: Hmm, you know what? That sauce looks a little thin. You should put half and half in there. MICHAEL: It's not coffee. MARIA: It works. Billy showed me. It gives it heft. MICHAEL: I don't put dairy products in my meat sauce. It's not kosher. MARIA: Ok. I said no cheese in the nebulua salad. MICHAEL: Forgot. Listen, I was thinking about skipping out on bowling tonight, and maybe we could make up for last night. MARIA: That is so sweet, but I kind of had plans. Just... MICHAEL: Plans with who? MARIA: It's nothing...Big. Just me and Billy were gonna go and... MICHAEL: Billy? Isn't he on the bus? MARIA: He missed it. He's staying another night. MICHAEL: Another night?! [The salad bowl explodes] MARIA: What did you do that for? You could've hurt me. MICHAEL: Sorry. I'm not sure what happened. [Max is waiting in his father's office] Mr Evans: Max. MAX: Hey, dad. Mr Evans: What are you doing here? MAX: I think we need to talk. Mr Evans: I agree completely. SECRETARY: Your 11:30 is here. Mr Evans: Gimme 10 seconds. I'm sorry, I've got a meeting waiting. MAX: No, it's ok. Why don't we go fishing, like we used to, away from all these interruptions? Mr Evans: Sounds good. When? MAX: Tomorrow. Mr Evans: Great. I'll pick you up early. Got to get a jump... MAX: On those fish. Excuse me. [Mr Evans meeting is with the photographer who was taking pictures of Max and Michael] PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Saw him and that friend of his out in the desert. Mr Evans: What were they doing? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Couldn't really tell from where I was standing, but I got some pictures. Mr Evans: What else you got for me? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: A receipt from the last time your son filled up his jeep. First week in may. Mr Evans: That's when Tess disappeared. Do you think these 2 events are connected? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: There's only 3 reasons a person gets rid of a vehicle-- 1--they sell it. 2--they ruin it in order to bilk the insurance company. Or 3--they destroy it to hide something. Mr Evans: What do you think my son's trying to hide? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: We better find that jeep, Mr. Evans. [Maria comes home and finds Billy playing Alex's guitar] MARIA: Billy, I hope you're ok with hamburgers 'cause that's you're getting. BILLY: Hamburgers are fine. MARIA: Why is that out? BILLY: Michael stopped by today. This ended up on the bed, so I am tuning it for you. MARIA: Why? BILLY: It's out of tune, darlin'. MARIA: Put it back. BILLY: In just a second. MARIA: You know what? Forget it. I'll put it back. BILLY: Hey, what's wrong? MARIA: I invite you into my house and you go through my stuff? BILLY: Where's all this coming from? It's a guitar baby. MARIA: No, it's not. [SCENE_BREAK] [Michael and Liz are closing the Crashdown] MICHAEL: Pretty busy night, huh? LIZ: Mm-hmm. MICHAEL: How much money do you think we'd pull in on a night like tonight? LIZ: You know that you really suck at small talk? Why don't you just tell Dr. Parker what's on your mind? MICHAEL: Hey, tell me--do I need to be worried about this Billy guy? LIZ: No, you don't. He's completely harmless. MICHAEL: But you think he's good-looking right? LIZ: Uh, well, yeah, if you like that sort of thing, I guess. MICHAEL: The good-looking sort of thing. LIZ: Michael... MICHAEL: Do you really think he missed his bus? LIZ: Yes, i do. Haven't you ever missed a bus before? MICHAEL: No, 'cause I don't take the bus, and I don't write songs. And I don't cook with freaking half and half. [The sugar dispensers explode] LIZ: Hey! Hey, Michael! MICHAEL: Sorry. My powers are out of control. LIZ: Would you look at this mess! My dad is gonna freak. MICHAEL: Relax. I'll fix it. [Michael tries to fix the mess, but his powers don't work] LIZ: Please. Michael, you need to calm down, ok? Everything's gonna be fine between you and Maria, trust me. MICHAEL: She cooked him Italian food last night. LIZ: Oh. MICHAEL: I knew it. That's a problem. LIZ: No, no, it's not a problem. It's just, um... It's food. MICHAEL: No, Liz. It's Italian food. LIZ: Michael, please don't do anything stupid or alien or both, please?! [Billy strums guitar in adjoining room] MARIA: try going to an f major 7th, please. I can't listen to you anymore. Just trying going to an f major 7th. BILLY: Not bad. MARIA: Oh, please. I totally fixed it for you. BILLY: Ok. Now let's see if you remember this one... So what about earlier? MARIA: Yeah, I'm sorry that I went off on you. BILLY: Gonna tell me about it? MARIA: That guitar belonged to a friend of mine. His name was Alex. He died last year. BILLY: I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I had no idea. MARIA: His parents wanted me to have this guitar, but I just couldn't bring myself to play it. BILLY: Bad memories. MARIA: He was only 17. He had his whole life. His whole life. BILLY: Did you and Alex write songs together? MARIA: Not really. We tried once, but I just don't partner well. I don't know, you're, like, the only person that I've ever trusted in that way. BILLY: So if you guys were writing songs, then that means you were singing up until... MARIA: Until his funeral. Yeah, that was the last time. BILLY: Well, then I guess tonight's a special night. MARIA: (Singing) I wish I could read your mind - words don't mean a thing - I've given you all my time - all you do is leave - and if you were standing here in front of me - I know you would say - there's nothing oh, so precious - as something that's gone away - and if there is a reason - i just don't want to know - why you feel the need to love me so - only when you go - only when you go- [Michael is watching thru the window- He gets upset and walks off- his powers are out of control and setting off car alarms- He slams the door as he walks into his apartment] MAX: what happened? MICHAEL: It's over. MAX: What, my dad found something? What? MICHAEL: No, it's not that. I saw Maria and what's his name, Billy, together. MAX: Oh, together as in... Together? MICHAEL: Worse. MAX: What could be worse? MICHAEL: They were singing together. MAX: So you're jealous. MICHAEL: I'm not jealous! [A lamp explodes] MICHAEL: My powers are slightly out of whack. MAX: "Out of whack"? MICHAEL: I've been blowing things up all day. MAX: Get them under control. MICHAEL: I can't. MAX: Michael, get yourself together. What if this happens in front of my father? MICHAEL: I don't care about your father or his stupid investigation. MAX: All right, look, I'm sorry. We're part human. We're supposed to have feelings. You keep them bottled up like this, they're gonna get out somehow. MICHAEL: What should I do? MAX: Talk to her. MICHAEL: That's it? Just talk to her? MAX: Yeah. MICHAEL: Ok, sure. [Max and his father are fishing on the lake] Mr Evans: I've missed this. Max: Yeah, me, too. Mr Evans: So why did you get rid of the jeep? MAX: Got sick of it. Plastic doors, the roof took forever to get on and off. Mr Evans: Yeah. I hope you got a good price for it. MAX: Blue book. Mr Evans: Huh. So who bought it? MAX: This guy at school. Drove it cross-country to college. Cornell, I think. Mr Evans: It was a fun car. Remember the guy we bought it from? MAX: Yeah. Now, he was scary. Mr Evans: I thought he was gonna shoot us. MAX: You wouldn't meet his price. Mr Evans: I did when the gun fell out of his boot. How old were you? MAX: 15. Mr Evans: Yeah. I'm just surprised that you would sell it without telling me first. MAX: It was sort of spontaneous. Mr Evans: And you say this guy who bought it-- he was gonna drive it all the way to Cornell? MAX: Yeah. He was planning on fixing it up first. Mr Evans: Right. MAX: I saw the board in your office. I know what you're doing. Mr Evans: And what am I doing? MAX: It isn't right to spy on your own son. Mr Evans: I'm not spying. I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Is my concern for you a threat? MAX: Do I threaten you? Mr Evans: You frighten me, Max. I don't think I know who you are anymore. I'm beginning to think I've never known. MAX: I'm your son. Mr Evans: With secrets. And my biggest fear is that they're terrible secrets, that you're in trouble and I can't help. MAX: You can't help because I'm not in trouble. Mr Evans: Not in trouble? Max, if it weren't for me, you'd be rotting in jail right now. I put my reputation on the line for you, and I still don't know why. [Cell phone rings] Mr Evans: what? Yeah. Wait there. We're done. Let's head in. MAX: Dad... Mr Evans: We're done. [Michael comes up behind Maria in the Crashdown] MICHAEL: hey. MARIA: "Hey" back. MICHAEL: Can I say something? MARIA: Back room. MARIA: Do we have a problem? MICHAEL: No, we don't. I do. MARIA: How can I help? MICHAEL: Be patient with me. MARIA: Always. MICHAEL: Don't say it like that, like I'm a kid. MARIA: That's not what I meant. What are you worried about, really? What can I do? MICHAEL: Tell your friend to leave. He shouldn't be here. It's not a good time. MARIA: Not a good time? Let me ask you a question, Michael. MICHAEL: Here we go... MARIA: No, don't do that. MICHAEL: You ask "what can I do," and I tell you. MARIA: When is it a good time? MICHAEL: To step out with an old boyfriend? MARIA: He is not an old-- ooh, would you just- MICHAEL: where's your patience now? MARIA: When is it a good time for me to take a small step back from this nonstop alien hootenanny? MICHAEL: We're in danger. Max's father- MARIA: I know. MICHAEL: Yeah, and you don't care because that Billy guy-- [Michael's powers cause things on the shelf to fall] MARIA: Michael... MICHAEL: You're gonna leave me for him. MARIA: No. No. Ok, I'll tell him. MICHAEL: Thank you. MARIA: Hey, it's what I do. It's what I always do. [Kyle is talking to Max on the phone] KYLE: Max, I think we got a problem. MAX: What is it? KYLE: Your dad just called for a tow truck. MAX: Where? KYLE: Mile marker 16 out on route 7. MAX: They found the jeep. [Maria comes home. Billy is playing the guitar] BILLY: Hey. MARIA: I have to tell you something. BILLY: What? MARIA: You have to go. BILLY: Right this second? MARIA: Yeah. BILLY: I'll get my stuff. Is this about Michael? Am I in the middle of something? MARIA: No. It's complicated. It's just my life. I can't have more than one thing going on. It's not you. It has nothing to do with you. BILLY: That's too bad. MARIA: What's that supposed to mean? BILLY: Truth? Maria, i missed my bus on purpose. MARIA: Why? BILLY: Because I was given some advice one time... Decide what you want in life and live it. MARIA: That's terrible advice. BILLY: You gave it to me. MARIA: That explains it. BILLY: 4 years ago, our last night at camp. MARIA: I was 13. BILLY: That night stuck with me. You stuck with me. That kiss stuck with me. It was my first one. MARIA: You told me that you kissed tons of girls. BILLY: I lied. I don't know. I was just... I was hoping that- MARIA: I'm with someone. BILLY: Yeah, I met him. MARIA: Look, you don't understand. Michael is just- BILLY: stopping you? MARIA: Stopping me from what? BILLY: from I don't know. From life. From this. [Billy kisses Maria- she doesn't respond at first, then kisses him back] [The scene switches to the jeep being pulled up from the ravine. Michael, Max, and Isabel are watching] ISABEL: This is bad. MICHAEL: What are you gonna tell your father, Max? MAX: I'm not gonna tell him anything. He doesn't trust me anymore. MICHAEL: Who does he trust? [Max looks at Isabel] [Scene switches to Liz and Maria talking] LIZ: and then you kissed him? MARIA: Yes, I did. LIZ: Where is he right now? MARIA: At my house. LIZ: Ha! What were you thinking? MARIA: I don't know. LIZ: And that's all that it was. It was just a kiss. MARIA: Maybe. You know? Maybe not. LIZ: Let's just talk about the kiss for one second. Was there any passion? MARIA: Tons. LIZ: Oh... MARIA: I know. But it's not that kind of passion. It's like it woke me up. LIZ: Like sleeping beauty. MARIA: Yeah, I guess. MARIA: Do you think I've been asleep this whole time? LIZ: Well... I think you've been trying to remember who you used to be for a long time. Say it. MARIA: I just-- sometimes I just feel like I've paid this huge price for knowing Michael and knowing these aliens. It's like... God, I didn't think I'd end up here dealing with this crap every day. I mean, I love Michael, and I do sort of love this ridiculous soap opera, but... I just...I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm trapped and I'm never gonna get out. LIZ: I know. MARIA: I mean, I... I didn't sign up for this. LIZ: Yes, you did. We all did. MARIA: I know. It's just, I had this dream once... I mean, maybe I still do. I don't know. LIZ: Maybe sometimes you have to go after your dreams. And who am i to tell you just give them up, because without your dreams, you're just me. MARIA: Liz. LIZ: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That sounded way too self-pitying, and this isn't about me. It's just that, um... I'm committed to going down this road with Max. Good, bad, indifferent, I'm committed. And I've given up a lot along the way, so unless you're sure that's what you want to do with Michael, don't be so quick to give up your dreams. [Maria comes home. Billy is packing to leave] MARIA: Hey. I have this insane idea. BILLY: What? MARIA: That we do what we planned, that I go to New York with you. BILLY: Wow. MARIA: Yeah. BILLY: What about your mom? MARIA: Well, I know that she'll want me to finish high school. BILLY: Not a bad idea. MARIA: No, so after I graduate. BILLY: Great. MARIA: Maybe. BILLY: Maybe. MARIA: No, I just don't know if this is what I wanna do- BILLY: hey, hey, hey. You don't owe me an explanation. I screwed things up. MARIA: No, you didn't. BILLY: Yes, I did. I should have known better. I changed the whole flow between us. But I been wanting to kiss you for about 4 years, and I'm a guy, so I took a shot. MARIA: I just think I may have given you the wrong impression. BILLY: No, you didn't. We're fine. And if I did anything to make you feel bad, I'm sorry. I just wish you hadn't of... MARIA: What? BILLY: I wish you hadn't hidden yourself away with that guitar. BILLY: You gonna come see me in the village? MARIA: Yes. BILLY: I'll get you front row seats. MARIA: And I will throw my underwear at you. [Sighs] BILLY: bye, Maria. MARIA: Bye. [Billy leaves] [Isabel and Jesse are having dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Evans] Mrs Evans: It's newly upholstered. It has a dark print with big, uh... Pink cabbage roses. JESSE: Wow. I don't know if that would really, uh- Mr Evans: hey, hey, hey. Mr Evans: You can't beat the price. [As Isabel sits down, she is remembering what Max told her. We hear his voice and the conversation she had with him] MAX: They trust you, Isabel. ISABEL: I'm sick of lying to our parents. MAX: There's no other choice. ISABEL: Yes, there is. The truth. MAX: It's too dangerous for them and for us. ISABEL: Max, you're wrong I want to tell them... [Voice over conversation ends] ISABEL: The truth. Mrs Evans: What, hon? ISABEL: What? Mrs Evans: Did you say something? ISABEL: The truth. I... I want to tell you the truth about what's been going on with Max. ISABEL: It's about Tess. Max got Tess pregnant, but she left before the baby was born, so Max may have a child out there somewhere. Mrs Evans: Oh, my. ISABEL: That night that she left, he was so angry that he just drove all night and pushed his jeep off a cliff because he... Was so crazy. JESSE: God, Isabel. I'm so sorry. If I had known, I wouldn't have- Mr Evans: I'm sorry, too, Isabel, for asking you those questions, for putting Jesse in the middle. ISABEL: He would have told you himself. He was just so afraid to disappoint you. Mr Parker: Thank you for finally telling us the truth. [Isabel is talking to Max on the phone later] MAX: Did they buy it? ISABEL: Yeah. They bought everything. ISABEL: You're safe for another day. MAX: Thanks, Iz. I owe you. ISABEL: Maybe now we can get back to normal. [Mr. Evans is in his office looking at a picture of Isabel. He pins it to his board under the conspirators section] [Michael meets Maria in the park] MICHAEL: You wanted to talk, which usually means you're gonna kick my ass, so I brought some friends. MARIA: Thank you. I guess. MICHAEL: Ha. Is he gone yet? MARIA: Yeah. MICHAEL: good! MARIA: Feel better? MICHAEL: Getting there. What are we talking about? MARIA: I wanna break up. I want out because I love you so much. I love you more than you could possibly know. MICHAEL: I'm lost. MARIA: No, I'm lost. And you've been there the whole time to help me through all of it. MICHAEL: All of what? MARIA: This whole thing-- this alien, human, the scary stuff, the bad stuff. MICHAEL: And there was fun stuff, too. MARIA: Yeah, but I haven't been honest in any of it. MICHAEL: Listen, if you're trying to tell me that you're a bisexual or something, I'm--I'm cool with that. I'm... MICHAEL: Why do you want out? MARIA: Because, Michael, I don't think I've ever been in. I mean, this girl you've known for the past 3 years-- Maria-- it's just not me. MARIA: Of course it's you. MARIA: No, it's not the me I used to be. MICHAEL: Things change. MARIA: Yeah, things change. MICHAEL: Just like that. Will you come back to me? MARIA: I don't know. [Maria hands the flowers back and walks off- she goes home and picks up Alex's guitar- we see Isabel looking out the window, Mr. Evans taking a drink, and Michael remembering his relationship with Maria] [Song plays in the background] Breathe again - I'm livin' on your air tonight - never knowing when you'll cut it off - oh, you have a way - that makes it hard to sleep alone - and just when the dream gets good - you always seem to have to go - so - here I am - alone again - waiting for the story - to finally end - while the world spins around - it's out of my hands - don't even try - to understand - and I guess it's time to tell you - what you should already know - oh, you know - I'm better breathing on my own - all alone -
Plan: A: Maria; Q: Whose passion for music resurfaces when an old love visits? A: Michael; Q: What is Maria's relationship with? A: Max's father; Q: Who is still trying to put together all the pieces of his investigation? A: the quest; Q: Isabel joins Max in what to stop Max's father? Summary: When an old love visits Maria her passion for music resurfaces, which jeopardizes her relationship with Michael. Meanwhile, while Max's father is still trying to put together all the pieces of his investigation, Isabel joins Max in the quest to stop him.
THE CURSE OF PELADON BY: BRIAN HAYLES 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. PIT (ALPHA CENTAURI screams and PELADON and the DOCTOR both look round sharply to see what is wrong. SSORG fires his sonic gun and ARCTURUS explodes. JO and PELADON look at what remains of the twitching skull-like creature underneath the shattered globe. HEPESH and the GUARD CAPTAIN exchange a hurried glance at each other and quietly move away. JO, looking at the destroyed alien, realises what this means...) JO: So, Arcturus was behind everything. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. THRONE ROOM (The DOCTOR, JO, PELADON, GRUN and the remaining delegates have returned to the citadel where the DOCTOR takes up the story...) DOCTOR: Arcturus and Hepesh. PELADON: But what about the attack on Arcturus? DOCTOR: Faked, your Majesty. He told Hepesh what to do. IZLYR: That is what I suspected. JO: And the things I found on the balcony and in Izlyr's room? DOCTOR: Planted by Hepesh...or one of his agents. (The DOCTOR glances at GRUN who lowers his eyes, almost in shame. PELADON doesn't notice this.) PELADON: (To the DOCTOR.) An...and the manifestation of Aggedor? DOCTOR: Well, that's simple, your Majesty. Hepesh found that on a high mountain a few still existed. So he captured one, trained it and kept it hidden in the tunnels beneath the citadel. Ready to pop out whenever he needed a bit of haunting. PELADON: (Astounded.) But why did he do all this? What did he hope to gain? DOCTOR: The entire planet of Peladon - or effective control of it, which comes to the same thing. PELADON: And Arcturus? IZLYR: His planet lacks mineral deposits. Peladon has them, in abundance. DOCTOR: That's why he wanted to make sure that Peladon did not enter the galactic federation. You see, he'd already made a private secret alliance with Hepesh. ALPHA CENTAURI: (Satisfied.) Extremely unethical! Fortunately the scheme has been foiled so all is well. DOCTOR: Ah, but is it? JO: (Puzzled.) Yes, Arcturus is dead. DOCTOR: But Hepesh is still very much alive! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. TUNNEL (HEPESH makes his way through one of the tunnels underneath the citadel...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. THRONE ROOM DOCTOR: You see, Hepesh believed everything that Arcturus told him. He still does. He firmly believes that entering the galactic federation would mean slavery and he'd go to any lengths to stop you joining. JO: But what can he do? (He nods towards IZLYR.) DOCTOR: Accuse the Ice Warriors of murdering Arcturus. IZLYR: Yes, Mars and the world of Arcturus are old enemies. (Hisses.) That would mean war! DOCTOR: Exactly. And then all the rest of the galactic federation would take sides... ALPHA CENTAURI: (Aghast.) The federation will be ripped! There will be interplanetary conflict! DOCTOR: And Peladon would become the first battlefield. (He looks at the King.) DOCTOR: Blasted and sterile. (PELADON looks dumbfounded. He walks up the steps of the throne, deep in thought. Finally, he turns and faces the DOCTOR.) PELADON: What shall I do, Doctor? DOCTOR: Replace Hepesh with someone you can trust, your Majesty - now! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TUNNEL (The GUARD CAPTAIN comes from another direction in the tunnels and up to the High Priest.) HEPESH: Captain. GUARD CAPTAIN: My lord. (He salutes HEPESH.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. THRONE ROOM PELADON: The shame will destroy him. DOCTOR: (Softly.) It's not easy to be a king, Peladon. But unless you replace Hepesh, he will destroy everything that you have worked for. (The King falls deep into thought again. GRUN nods at the DOCTOR and to one side to indicate that he wants to show him something. The DOCTOR sees the gesture but gives no sign of having done so.) DOCTOR: (To PELADON.) Well, sire? PELADON: There could be civil war. Will the federation back me? (CENTAURI twitches away as behind them all, GRUN starts to slip quietly out of the room.) ALPHA CENTAURI: The galactic charter does not permit our involvement in internal politics. (IZLYR steps forward and to one side of CENTAURI.) IZLYR: A unanimous decision could call on emergency powers. (JO steps forward to the other side and CENTAURI'S large head swings to look at her.) JO: The circumstances are unusual, you know, and your own safety is involved. ALPHA CENTAURI: But it would be a break with all precedent. (To IZLYR, self-importantly.) I can't persuade myself that interference of this kind is justified. DOCTOR: (Sharply.) Then I think we ought to try and persuade you. (To PELADON.) Your Majesty, will you excuse us? We have the need of a private conference for the benefit of Alpha Centauri. (CENTAURI twitches nervously.) PELADON: Very well. I shall consider all you have said...and if you can assure me of your support, then I shall act. (They all bow, prior to taking their leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. PASSAGE (GRUN, checking to see that he is not watched, approaches the tapestry covered entrance to the tunnels, pulls the torch bracket down and goes through the door. A second later, he returns and places a large rock in the door on the floor. He then replaces the bracket and heads into the tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ANOTHER PASSAGE (ALPHA CENTAURI, IZLYR and SSORG make their way to the delegate's conference room. CENTAURI is at its bureaucratic worst...) ALPHA CENTAURI: Mind you, I reserve my legal right of veto. IZLYR: We will discuss the matter fully, I assure you. ALPHA CENTAURI: It would be different if there were precedents for such a situation - but there aren't. We must consider all possibilities. We must not be rash! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. PASSAGE (The DOCTOR and JO make their way down another of the torch-lit passages.) DOCTOR: Jo, do you realise how dangerous and complex this situation has become? Hepesh could still bring Peladon to his way of thinking, you know. If that happens, he'll have won without a fight. JO: But he can't just ju...accuse the Ice Warriors of murder. There were witnesses. Ssorg had to shoot him to save your life. DOCTOR: Jo, you seem to be forgetting something else - officially we don't even exist. We're just a couple of imposters. (They move off. Soon they come to the tunnel-entrance and the rock placed by GRUN. As JO carries on talking the DOCTOR looks down at the rock and realises its significance.) JO: You playing the grand ambassador and Centauri upstaging everybody and Peladon acting like a wet fish, I think it's about time that... (JO stops talking as the DOCTOR gestures at the rock.) DOCTOR: Yeah, so that's why Grun was beckoning at me like that. JO: Hmm? DOCTOR: Jo, I want you to go ahead and take charge of the conference. Work on Centauri. Once you've got a unanimous decision - act. JO: Well, what are you going to do? DOCTOR: I'm going to see a man about an open door. Off you go. JO: (Sighs.) All right, if you say so. (JO moves off. The DOCTOR looks round and then picks up the rock. He carries it through the tapestry covered door into the tunnel...) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. TUNNEL (...where he places it on the floor. He then manipulates the torch bracket to close the door back into the citadel and moves off into the tunnels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ANOTHER TUNNEL (In another part of the tunnels, the GUARD CAPTAIN reports back to HEPESH.) HEPESH: Is everything ready for the attack, captain? GUARD CAPTAIN: The men are armed and ready, sir. HEPESH: Good. Now remember, I want no harm to come to the king. He's to be taken prisoner and kept in safe custody. (As he is speaking, GRUN approaches from behind and taps him on the shoulder.) HEPESH: What Grun? (GRUN gestures to HEPESH to follow him.) HEPESH: You want me to go with you? (GRUN makes a guttural noise of agreement.) HEPESH: No Grun, I've things to do. (To the CAPTAIN.) Now, captain, as soon as we arrive at the chamber... (GRUN pulls HEPESH round by the shoulder and gestures again. A note of impatience enters HEPESH'S voice.) HEPESH: Grun, in the past you have served me well. I shall not forget. But for the moment, leave me! (To the CAPTAIN.) Now... (GRUN grabs HEPESH round the waist and bodily lifts him off the ground, carrying him away.) HEPESH: Guard! Guard! (A guard runs forward. GRUN drops the priest and stands his ground before the guard who starts to deliver several blows to the stomach of the king's champion. GRUN takes each blow as if it is a gentle swat and then lifts the guard off the ground, throwing him to one side. The GUARD CAPTAIN has unsheathed his sword and warily approaches GRUN who backs off slowly, not seeing that HEPESH is approaching from behind, a rock raised above him. HEPESH brings the rock crashing down on GRUN'S head and the champion falls to the ground, unconscious.) HEPESH: Come captain - it is time! (HEPESH strides off and the GUARD CAPTAIN and his men follow, stepping over GRUN as they go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. DELEGATE'S CONFERENCE ROOM (IZLYR and SSORG stand either side of ALPHA CENTAURI as JO chairs the meeting.) IZLYR: The verdict of the committee of assessment - the motion is that we urge the federation to support King Peladon in bringing peace to this...troubled planet. JO: Those in favour? (She raises her own hand. IZLYR and SSORG do the same and stare meaningfully at CENTAURI who looks from one to the other...and then raises three reluctant arms.) IZLYR: Carried unanimously. JO: Thank you. Alpha Centauri, you've made a very wise decision. ALPHA CENTAURI: I trust so, your Highness. For the record, my agreement is registered under protest. I accept no responsibility. IZLYR: We must inform the federation. (CENTAURI'S voice raises a pitch...) ALPHA CENTAURI: With all this fuss, I forgot to mention it! This morning, I found my communicator broken! IZLYR: Then we must use mine. Ssorg, the communicator. (He waves an arm and SSORG moves off.) IZLYR: We must contact our spaceships. JO: Definitely. (She suddenly looks puzzled.) JO: Spaceships? IZLYR: I take it your spaceship, like ours, is orbiting this planet? JO: Oh, er, yes! Yes, of course... IZLYR: You seem...disturbed, Princess? JO: No, not in the slightest. IZLYR: I take it there is no doubt that the Earth government will ratify your decision - in view of the special circumstances? JO: Circumstances? Well, I'm not quite sure - what circumstances? IZLYR: Your forthcoming marriage with King Peladon. (JO'S jaw drops.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. PASSAGE (HEPESH moves aside the curtain and, seeing that the passage is clear, moves through into the citadel. The CAPTAIN and the guards follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. MARTIAN DELEGATE'S REST ROOM (SSORG enters the Ice Warrior's room. He closes the lid of the metallic chest and sees the communicator unit on the other side of it - smashed to pieces. He hisses and walks back out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR moves slowly through the tunnel. As he rounds a corner, he sees GRUN starting to recover on the ground.) DOCTOR: Grun! (He runs up to help him.) DOCTOR: Grun, what happened? Who attacked you? (GRUN starts to moan.) DOCTOR: Who? (GRUN traces a letter "H" in the sand on the tunnel floor.) DOCTOR: "H" ...what, Hepesh? (GRUN nods and points to the still-unconscious soldier on the floor.) DOCTOR: And a soldier? (GRUN nods.) DOCTOR: How many soldiers? (GRUN counts five, ten, fifteen with his hand.) DOCTOR: Many? (GRUN nods.) DOCTOR: If he takes charge of the citadel, we...we don't stand much chance. (Suddenly, he hears the roar of AGGEDOR in the distance.) DOCTOR: Perhaps we do. Come on. (He starts to run towards the sound but sees that GRUN is holding back.) DOCTOR: You're not frightened, are you? A big chap like you? (GRUN nods and moans.) DOCTOR: Well don't be. You come with me, come on. (The DOCTOR grabs his arm and pulls him further into the tunnels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. DELEGATE'S CONFERENCE ROOM (JO is non-too pleased at the inference of the delegates.) JO: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but a marriage has not been arranged. To coin a phrase - we're just good friends! ALPHA CENTAURI: (Sadly.) But it would have made a magnificent coronation! JO: Before we have a coronation, we have to have a king. Are you going to help me or not? ALPHA CENTAURI: Well... (SSORG enters the room.) SSORG: Lord Izlyr, the link with our spaceship has been deliberately destroyed. ALPHA CENTAURI: Yours too? IZLYR: (To JO.) Then we must make use of yours, Princess. JO: Well, don't look at me. Ours was...damaged when we crash-landed. ALPHA CENTAURI: (Wails.) We're completely cut off! JO: Hepesh? IZLYR: Yes - Hepesh. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM (Two guards stand outside the closed doors to the throne room. Up above, on the empty balcony, two more guards move silently into position, ready to pounce. Further down the passage, HEPESH, the GUARD CAPTAIN and the other guards quietly creep along. HEPESH gestures to the CAPTAIN who walks forward and past the guards on the door.) GUARD CAPTAIN: Men, fall in. (The guards step out to follow - and find themselves directly under the other two guards on the balcony. They jump down onto their backs and pound them with their fists. HEPESH and the other guards walk round the corner.) HEPESH: Remember, captain, no harm must befall the king. Proceed. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. DELEGATE'S CONFERENCE ROOM (In the background, ALPHA CENTAURI twitches and screeches hysterically at an impassive SSORG as JO and IZLYR try to discuss their next moves...) ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) What will happen?! What will we do?! JO: (To IZLYR.) Yes, but I'm sure the Doctor would know what to do. ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) I'm a civil servant, not a scientist! IZLYR: (To JO.) Yes, but where is he? ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) There's no escape! JO: (To IZLYR.) Well, I don't know. (IZLYR glances over at CENTAURI.) ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) Without our communicators, we cannot return to our spacecraft! I knew something like this would happen! IZLYR: (To JO.) Arcturus was an unattractive person, Princess... ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) We're all going to be killed! How are we to escape?! From this barbarous planet?! IZLYR: (To JO.)...but I think I preferred his cold logic... ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) We should never have come here at all! It was madness! IZLYR: (To JO.)...to the hysteria of Centauri. ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) I thought so all the time! Now there's no escape! JO: (Sighs.) Centauri, stop it. (CENTAURI doesn't hear and continues...) ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) We shall all be killed! IZLYR: Centauri... ALPHA CENTAURI: (To SSORG, hysterically.) I tell you, we will be killed! What are we going to do?! JO: (Louder.) Centauri, stop it! (CENTAURI hears this time and turns round to JO.) JO: Nothing has happened yet. We're quite safe here. IZLYR: They would not dare to attack federation delegates. ALPHA CENTAURI: But... [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. THRONE ROOM (With a cry, the doors to the throne room burst open and the guards loyal to HEPESH burst in and engage in a furious sword fight with those guards still loyal to the king. PELADON himself stands in shock and the GUARD CAPTAIN quickly runs forward and holds a sword to his throat. They then watch as guards engage in hand to hand combat with swords and pikestaffs. The room is filled with the cries of the dying as swords are thrust into their bellies. Then...) GUARD CAPTAIN: (Shouts.) Surrender, or the King will die! (The room falls silent. The king's guards surrender and are led away. HEPESH enters the room and walks up to the throne. He and PELADON stand in contemplative silence for a moment.) PELADON: (Sadly and quietly.) Oh, Hepesh. I thought you would bring me the crown of kingship. Are you going to bring me death instead? HEPESH: You have become a stranger to me, Peladon. Return to the ancient ways of our people, and you will live on, our beloved king. If not, the royal line of Peladon must meet an ignoble end. (PELADON realises what HEPESH'S words mean...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR and GRUN on further into the tunnel. They hear another roar from AGGEDOR. GRUN looks terrified.) DOCTOR: Grun, you're a brave warrior. What you're going to see now may amaze you, but just you trust me. (The DOCTOR takes the mirror device out of his top pocket. Ahead, AGGEDOR tuns and lumbers up to them, roaring. The DOCTOR starts to mirror spinning.) DOCTOR: All right, old chap. You remember me, don't you? You remember me... (Sings.) "Klokleda Partha Mennin Klatch, Haroon Haroon Haroon!" (GRUN hangs back, his face filled with fear as AGGEDOR falls under the hypnotic influence again.) DOCTOR: (Sings.) Klokleda Shina Tierra Natch, Haroon Haroon Haroon." [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. PASSAGE (Someone knocks on the door to the delegate's conference room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. DELEGATE'S CONFERENCE ROOM (Inside, SSORG has his sonic rifle raised. IZLYR gestures to JO and CENTAURI to stand back and they do so.) IZLYR: enter. (The door opens and HEPESH enters.) IZLYR: Ssorg will destroy you if you try to harm us. HEPESH: I am unarmed and alone. (He turns to JO.) HEPESH: Where is the Doctor? JO: (Defiantly.) I don't know. HEPESH: He will not escape capture for long. IZLYR: What do you want? HEPESH: You will all accompany me to the throne room. JO: Why? HEPESH: My men hold King Peladon prisoner. If I do not return will all of you immediately, he will die! Follow me. (He strides off. JO looks concerned.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. TUNNEL (AGGEDOR is crouched down, almost asleep under the hypnotic effect. GRUN is still terrified.) DOCTOR: (Sings.) "Haroon, Haroon, Har-oon, Haroon, Harun, Haroon." (He lowers his pitch, letting the refrain die away quietly...) DOCTOR: "Haroon, Harun, Har-oon, Haroon, Harun, Haroon! Haroonnn... Harunn..." (He stops singing.) DOCTOR: There you are, Grun. Yes, he's quite under now. Not such a terrifying creature after all, is he? Right, I think it's about time that King Peladon learned the truth, don't you? (The DOCTOR takes AGGEDOR by the horn on his head and starts to lead him through the tunnel.) DOCTOR: Come on, Aggedor. Come on, old chap, that's it. Come on, Aggedor. That's it. Come on, Grun. (GRUN follows warily.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. THRONE ROOM (The guards open the door to the throne room and HEPESH walks in. JO runs after him and stops dead in her tracks when she sees the PELADON, still with the GUARD CAPTAIN'S sword at his throat. The other delegates follow.) HEPESH: You see? I did not lie. JO: What are you going to do to him? HEPESH: Nothing if the delegates cooperate. IZLYR: (Angrily.) You will answer to federation justice for this! HEPESH: The federation has no jurisdiction over me or over this planet. It is you who will answer for your interference! ALPHA CENTAURI: You are holding us here by force! You will answer for that! HEPESH: I am not holding you. I do not want you either as guests or as hostages. I know the retribution this planet would suffer if anything happened to any of you. Therefore go in peace. Tell you masters, Peladon wants nothing of their federation - but go now! (There is a cry from the doorway.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Who dares challenge Peladon?! (They all spin round and see the DOCTOR stood in the half-closed doorway.) JO: Doctor! DOCTOR: Kneel and pay homage to his sacred guardian! Kneel! (The DOCTOR opens the doors fully and AGGEDOR shuffles in. There is a cry from all in the room.) PELADON: Hepesh! He is real! ALPHA CENTAURI: The beast! (AGGEDOR rears up but remains still, quietly growling.) HEPESH: (Shouts.) Do not listen to the alien! I am your High Priest! DOCTOR: I speak for Aggedor, and I accuse you, Hepesh, of being not only a traitor to your king, but also to your sacred trust! HEPESH: Do not listen to the alien! This is not Aggedor's spirit! I will show you... (He runs across the room and pulls a flaming torch from its bracket.) HEPESH: ...the reality of this creature! I am his master! When I speak he obeys! (He waves the torch in front of AGGEDOR.) HEPESH: Aggedor! Aggedor! Kill him! (He gestures at the DOCTOR. AGGEDOR growls and swings to look at the DOCTOR. It then swings back and with a swing of one huge paw, swipes the torch from HEPESH'S hand. He knocks the priest to the ground. HEPESH cries out in pain as AGGEDOR roars and CENTAURI screams. The DOCTOR runs forward with the mirror device and backs AGGEDOR out of the room, the creature roaring as it goes. HEPESH lies wounded on the ground. PELADON runs to him with a genuine cry of grief.) PELADON: Hepesh! (He takes HEPESH in his arms. The old man's voice is weak.) HEPESH: I wanted...to save...our world. To preserve...the old ways. Perhaps I was...wrong, Peladon. I hope so...the future...you set so much store by...is yours now. (His head falls. PELADON starts to sob and JO comes forward, putting an arm round his shoulders to comfort him.) JO: Peladon, they're waiting for you. (PELADON recovers himself, picks up a piece of purple cloth and puts it over HEPESH'S face. His face contorts with emotion. Having secured AGGEDOR, the DOCTOR enters the room. One look at the covered body tells him what has happened. He looks at JO who gently shakes her head. The DOCTOR then addresses the GUARD CAPTAIN.) DOCTOR: Tell your men to lay down their arms. Your leader is dead. (The GUARD CAPTAIN gestures to his men who all drop their swords and kneel. The CAPTAIN does the same but offers his sword to PELADON.) GUARD CAPTAIN: Your Majesty. (PELADON takes the sword and the CAPTAIN presents his neck.) PELADON: There will be no punishments. The memory of this unhappy day shall be wiped from our history. (The CAPTAIN looks up, amazed at the pardon.) GUARD CAPTAIN: Your Majesty. (PELADON looks down sadly at HEPESH'S corpse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. PASSAGE (His cloak back on, the DOCTOR leads JO down the passage to the delegate's conference room.) DOCTOR: Come on, Jo. Follow me. I've got a nice surprise for you. JO: What? DOCTOR: You wait and see. (They approach the closed door.) DOCTOR: You ready? JO: Yes. DOCTOR: All right then. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. DELEGATE'S CONFERENCE ROOM (The DOCTOR opens the doors.) DOCTOR: Right, take a look at this. (Inside is a familiar object. JO runs in excitedly.) JO: The TARDIS! Wow! DOCTOR: Some of Peladon's stout lads heaved here up the mountainside for us. JO: Is she all right? DOCTOR: Yes, never better. (The DOCTOR pats the TARDIS on the side.) DOCTOR: I told you the TARDIS was indestructible. JO: Well, I hope it gets us back to Earth this time. DOCTOR: Mmm, so do I, Jo. So do I. (The DOCTOR walks across the room, deep in thought.) JO: Is there any doubt? DOCTOR: You don't really think that our appearance on the planet of Peladon at this precise crisis in their history was just coincidence, do you? JO: The Time Lords again. DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. JO: Ah, you didn't beat them after all. DOCTOR: No, not yet, but I will, Jo. Just give me time. Still, now we've done what they wanted us to do, I suppose they'll whip us straight back to Earth. (The sound of an excited crowd reaches them from far off.) JO: At least we get to see a real coronation before we go, eh? DOCTOR: Yeah, that's true. You know, I haven't seen a coronation since Elizabeth the first's...or was it Queen Victoria? JO: Name dropper! (A fur covered shape lumbers into the room on all fours. JO jumps back.) JO: Oh! DOCTOR: Don't worry. It's only Aggedor. JO: Phew! DOCTOR: The trouble is he seems to have grown rather fond of me! (JO laughs as AGGEDOR shuffles up to the DOCTOR like a pet dog.) DOCTOR: He keeps following me about. Hello, Aggedor. JO: Hello. DOCTOR: There's a good chap. (He gives AGGEDOR a friendly scratch. AGGEDOR responds with an attempted bear-hug!) DOCTOR: All right, down Aggedor, down boy, down! (He pushes AGGEDOR back down.) DOCTOR: I think I'd better go and lock him up! JO: Yes, please. DOCTOR: Come on. Come on, Aggedor. (He starts to lead AGGEDOR out of the room as PELADON enters in ceremonial cloak and collar. The DOCTOR pauses to give a short bow.) DOCTOR: Your Majesty. (He gestures to JO and leads the royal beast out of the room.) DOCTOR: Easy, Aggedor. That's it. Come on, this way. (PELADON approaches JO.) JO: Hello. Oughtn't you to be getting ready for the big occasion? PELADON: I wanted to see you first - to ask you to stay. JO: But I can't. PELADON: Why can't you? JO: (Torn.) Don't ask me for reasons. You wouldn't believe them. PELADON: I need you. JO: But you don't understand. I'm not even a real Princess. (PELADON smiles and speaks as if he knew this all the time.) PELADON: That doesn't matter! JO: (Sadly.) Oh, Peladon, I'm very, very fond of you, but I can't stay - really. PELADON: Well look, I must go now. I'll talk to you again after the coronation. I shan't give up, you know? I shall go on asking. (JO kisses him and they hold hands as the DOCTOR enters the room.) DOCTOR: Your Majesty. (He sees that he has interrupted a moment.) DOCTOR: Oh, excuse me, but your court officials are in a state of considerable panic. PELADON: Oh, yes, of course. I must go. (To JO.) Your Highness? JO: (Smiles.) Goodbye. (PELADON walks out, nodding to the DOCTOR as he goes.) PELADON: Doctor. (The DOCTOR turns to JO smiling.) DOCTOR: Right, we'll just see the ceremony and slip quietly away, all right? (JO turns away from him, overcome with emotion.) JO: Yes. Fine... (The DOCTOR sees that something is wrong.) DOCTOR: Jo? You do want to come back? (JO recovers herself and turns to face him.) JO: I think I'd better, don't you? DOCTOR: Mmm hmm. (Gently.) In any case, I wouldn't like to lose you. (He tickles her chin. Outside they hear the roars of the crowd increase as the coronation procession gets under way. He offers her his arm.) DOCTOR: Should we join the procession? JO: Yes! (She takes his arm and they walk out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. PASSAGE (In the passage outside, a woman dressed in a black suit and holding a scroll is in angry dispute with IZLYR and ALPHA CENTAURI.) AMAZONIA: I'm telling you, my good fellow. I am the official Earth delegate! ALPHA CENTAURI: But the Doctor is the accredited Earth delegate. (Unseen by them, the DOCTOR and JO round the corner and stop dead when they overhear the conversation.) AMAZONIA: Doctor? What Doctor? Doctor who? (The DOCTOR and JO step back round the corner and out of sight although they can still hear the conversation.) IZLYR: The Doctor and the Princess Josephine. DOCTOR: (To JO.) Pity about that. I rather wanted to see that coronation. AMAZONIA: (OOV.) Princess Josephine? Never heard of her. JO: (To the DOCTOR.) Never mind. We could always go to Queen Victoria's. IZLYR: (OOV.) Yes. ALPHA CENTAURI: (OOV.) You must have heard of Princess Josephine! DOCTOR: (To JO.) Queen Victoria's? I've already seen Queen Victoria's. JO: (To the DOCTOR.) I haven't. Let's go again! AMAZONIA: (OOV.) ... They're obviously imposters! DOCTOR: (To JO.) All right. (They rush back to the delegates room. Meanwhile, round the corner...) ALPHA CENTAURI: I do not under... AMAZONIA: Where are they now? IZLYR: I think they were in the delegate's conference room. Come! I will take you there! (They all move off towards the conference room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. DELEGATE'S CONFERENCE ROOM (The DOCTOR leads JO into the room and straight into the TARDIS. A moment later IZLYR leads CENTAURI, SSORG and the real Earth delegate into the room as distant bells start to chime.) AMAZONIA: Well? Where are they? (IZLYR points at the TARDIS as its dematerialisation sound roars out.) IZLYR: What is that?! (The blue police box fades away as AMAZONIA looks on in astonishment.)
Plan: A: Hepesh; Q: Who is determined to prevent Peladon joining the Galactic Federation? A: Hepesh's plan; Q: What has been exposed? A: the King; Q: Who is Hepesh trying to lead a rebellion against? Summary: Hepesh's plan has been exposed but he is still determined to prevent Peladon joining the Galactic Federation by leading a rebellion against the King.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars� Veronica and Leo kissing outside the Mars apartment (from 118 "Weapons of Class Destruction"). VERONICA: Later, Deputy. Veronica and Keith in the apartment from the same episode. VERONICA: Have you met someone? KEITH: Alicia and I talked about it- VERONICA: Wallace's mom! Veronica kisses Logan and is kissed by Logan on the balcony at the Camelot from the same episode. Cut to Aaron and Logan in their funeral suits (from 113 "Lord of the Bling"). AARON: I know you blame me for your mother's death. Cut to Logan and Trina at the Sunset Regent (from 115 "Ruskie Business"). TRINA: She was your mom, my stepmom. LOGAN: Dad could have used you there. TRINA: So now you're worried about Dad's welfare. Cut to Aaron throwing Logan onto the sofa (from 106 "Return of the Kane"). Then back to Veronica's reaction to what Trina is saying to Logan (from 115 "Ruskie Business"). TRINA: [Offscreen] Isn't he the big bad wolf? Cigarette burns, broken noses� Cut to Weevil in Rebecca's James office and Veronica listening in her car (from 112 "Clash of the Tritons"). WEEVIL: I never would have hurt her. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Lilly and Weevil? Cut to Duncan and Veronica in the journalism classroom (from 118 "Weapons of Class Destruction"). DUNCAN: Lilly is dead. Her killer is in jail. VERONICA: Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. DUNCAN: You think I killed Lilly. Cut to Meg talking to Veronica in the school hallway from the same episode. MEG: You haven't seen Duncan tonight, have you? He's missing. End previouslies. Open in Mars Investigations. Veronica is pacing behind Weevil who is sitting on the visitor's side of her desk. VERONICA: [Reading] Bob sells a house for $136,000. If he makes 5% commission for every house he sells, how much money did Bob earn on this sale? WEEVIL: All I know is, if your boy Bob only gets 5%, um, he's pushin' the wrong product. Veronica sits next to Weevil on the same side of the desk. WEEVIL: I get something to write with here? VERONICA: [Picking out and handing him a pencil] First fundamental of fundamentals of math? Always carry your writing utensil. Weevil takes it and prepares to write, left-handed. WEEVIL: Um-hmm. So I heard, uh, Duncan Kane took off, huh? VERONICA: I believe the official story involved a sick relative in Chattanooga, but, yeah, he took off. Weevil looks at Veronica, waits. WEEVIL: Hmm. Well the word is he bolted 'cause you accused him of killing Lilly. VERONICA: Well, word is wrong. WEEVIL: Hm. But, you don't think they got the right guy. Keith walks into the office and stops short at the door when he spots Weevil. KEITH: Hey, honey. [Coming closer] Eli. WEEVIL: Sheriff. An uncomfortable silence ensues as Keith stares down at Weevil and Weevil stares steadily back at him. Veronica glances from one to the other. VERONICA: I'm just giving Weevil a refresher for his quiz tomorrow. The silence continues until Weevil makes a move. WEEVIL: Well, I guess I'm refreshed. See you at school. Weevil gathers up his books, nods at Keith and leaves. Veronica leans back in her chair and folds her arms. KEITH: Honey, do I need to recap my Concerned Dad lectures? [Taking Weevil's seat] No running with scissors, no candy from strangers, no smartening up the local criminal element. VERONICA: He helped me out in the past. I'm just returning the favour. KEITH: What say you call it even. VERONICA: I'll be at home. [Getting up and leaving] With the only sane member of the Mars family. KEITH: The one who eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds? VERONICA: [From the door] That's the one. Veronica goes out the door and Keith sighs heavily. Cut to a barking Jack Russell terrier tied up outside a house. It is night. Inside the house, Mandy is reading Judy Blume's "Forever". She looks up at the sound of the dog and behind her towards the door. She rolls her eyes, puts down the book and heads for the door. Before she gets there, the bark turns to a single yelp and then silence. She runs. Outside the dog is gone. MANDY: [With increasing desperation] Chester! Chester, come here boy. Come here, baby. [Running around the large garden] Chester! Chester! Chester! Cut to Neptune High School. Veronica slams shut her locker door and turns. Logan is standing in front of her. VERONICA: [Startled] Oh! Hey. LOGAN: Hey. LOGAN: So, uh, what do you think? VERONICA: Like...in general, or is there a specific arena in which you'd like my opinion? LOGAN: Do you think Duncan, uh, is just cooling off or is he, like, holed up in some hotel room pouring peroxide on his hair and trying to file his fingerprints off? VERONICA: Honestly, I have no idea. Veronica turns to walk away. Logan follows. LOGAN: I got the call from Celeste today wanting to know where, uh, I thought he might've gone. VERONICA: What'd you tell her? LOGAN: The truth. That I don't know. They stop and look at each other for a moment. Then Logan raises his eyes and points towards the ceiling in well-timed anticipation of the bell, which rings right on schedule. He grins. LOGAN: See ya. Veronica gives a pained little smile and Logan turns and walks away. Veronica turns and walks slowly on, letting out her held breath. VERONICA VOICEOVER: All righty, Logan. We'll just skip over the two minutes in heaven we had. You wanna pretend it never happened? No argument here. My lips, for all intents and purposes, are sealed. Veronica purses her lips. Her attention is drawn to Mandy who is putting up lost dog notices. Someone has stuck one of her notices onto her back. Veronica pulls it off and Mandy spins round.. VERONICA: Sorry. MANDY: Oh. VERONICA: This was on your� MANDY: Thanks. [As Veronica walks away] You're Veronica Mars, right? Veronica turns back reluctantly. VERONICA: Sometimes. MANDY: Do you think I could, like, hire you, or something? To help me find my dog? VERONICA: That depends. Was he cheating on you? [Off Mandy's confused look] Lost dogs aren't really my speciality. MANDY: Oh. Okay. Well, thanks anyways. Mandy is abject and turns, head down, and walks away. Veronica gazes after her and changes her mind. VERONICA: You know maybe I could make a couple phone calls, uh, maybe help with signage. Mandy beams. Wallace runs into shot. WALLACE: Excuse me a sec. He puts his arm around her shoulders and leads her away from Mandy. WALLACE: Breaking news. Record this date in history. First time Wallace Fennel got the 4-1-1 before the little birdy got it to you. They stop. VERONICA: Do I have to tip you over or are you gonna spill it on your own? WALLACE: Clemmons just got a call. Weevil broke into the Kane house last night. Neighbourhood security patrol caught him in Lilly Kane's bedroom. Veronica can't believe it. Opening credits. Open on an exterior overhead shot of the Sheriff's Department. Cut to inside as Veronica approached Leo at the counter. VERONICA: [Softly] Hi. How are ya? LEO: Better. Now. I haven't heard from you in a couple days. About to show up at your place with my tools of restraint. VERONICA: Wouldn't recommend it. Dad usually likes to have a guy to dinner at least once before he cuffs me. LEO: So what can I help you with, Miss Mars? My schedule? Sure. I'm off Thursday and Friday. VERONICA: Um, I'm actually here to see Weevil. Do you think I could get a minute with him? Leo looks back towards the cells. LEO: What is it about bad boys? VERONICA: [As Leo leads her to the door to the cells] Um, tattoos, leather, parole violations. Total good-girl bait. LEO: I'm doomed. VERONICA: Hey, you were here when Weevil was brought in, right? What did they find on him? LEO: The bad-ass standards, $0.17, a couple of condoms, a pen Veronica slips her bag off her shoulder and hands it to Leo. He opens the door for her. Cut to the cells. Weevil is lying on one of the cots. WEEVIL: Do you have that nail file and the J-Lo poster I asked for? Veronica sits in the chair outside the cell. VERONICA: Why were you in Lilly's room? WEEVIL: What better house for some B&E? VERONICA: I know about you and Lilly. I know about the letters. WEEVIL: Yeah? [Sitting up, a bit pissed off] Well, whatever you know, that's not all there is to it. VERONICA: [Standing] I tell you that I'm close to finding Lilly's killer and two hours later, you're breaking into her room. What do you expect me to think? WEEVIL: [Angry] Look, I told you what I was doing there. Now if you don't wanna believe me, that's on you, okay? You gonna help me or not? VERONICA: No. Veronica turns and gets to the door leading out of the cells. WEEVIL: All right, all right, hold on! Weevil stands and moves to the edge of the cell. Veronica stops by the door and looks back. WEEVIL: Diamond ring. VERONICA: You broke in to steal a ring? WEEVIL: I was trying to get it back. It-it's my mother's and she was saving it for me as an engagement ring. At one time I was dumb enough to think I wanted Lilly to have it. VERONICA: Find it? WEEVIL: No. Look, uh, the Kanes want me crucified for this and now that I'm 18... VERONICA: Good-bye juvie. Hello community soap. WEEVIL: [Whispering] Yeah. Cut to a new lost dog notice rolling off the printer at Mars Investigations. Mandy takes it and compares it with her effort. MANDY: Now I see how crappy mine was. VERONICA: It was heartfelt crappy. So tell me more about the night Chester disappeared. Your front gate was open? They move to and sit on the small couch. MANDY: Oh, not mine, the McDades. I baby-sit their son Ryder twice a week. They let me keep Chester in their yard. VERONICA: How far do you live from them? MANDY: Far. I'm more like an 02er. VERONICA: So, you put up flyers. Did you check the pound? MANDY: Well, I called and I left them my number. VERONICA: You should go down there. Give 'em a flyer. If they meet you, they're more likely to remember you and Chester if he comes through. Cut to an exterior of the Echolls family home. A worker cleans the pool. Inside, Aaron is sitting on a couch covered in leopard print throws. He is reading Hermann Hesse's "Siddhartha". Trina walks into the lounge, carrying a script. AARON: Sweetheart. Stay close, okay? Barry's gonna be here any minute. TRINA: [Sitting next to him, grinning] Research for your next role? AARON: No, Phil Jackson gave me this. He said it would change my perspective. TRINA: Maybe you could option it. AARON: Nobody seems to believe me. Not even my own children. I'm done acting, Trina. It's behind me now. TRINA: What if something so great came along. Logan enters, carrying his books and checking his watch. AARON: There is nothing greater than living in the moment, being here with the ones I love. That's my job now. Lynn's death was my wake up call. Having dropped his books, overhearing throughout, Logan joins them in the lounge. He smirks and holds out his hands in classic "setting scene" style. LOGAN: Push in on our hero. Natural light frames his handsome, weathered face as he passes sage advice to his doting daughter. The music swells. [Imitates Yoda as Trina rolls her eyes] Important your family is. Hm, hm. Logan against the arm of a second couch and lets himself fall back onto the couch. TRINA: But Daddy, there's this terrific part. [Logan laughs] It's the villain in this independent feature my boyfriend Dylan's producing, "Escaping Your Past". You'd be perfect. Two days work. AARON: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Trina. Thank you for thinking of me, really, [Logan laughs again] but, but this, this is what I want to be doing now. Logan can't stop laughing as the doorbell rings. Cut to the three Echolls sitting around a table. The lawyer, Barry Randall is sitting at the top of the table. BARRY: I'm not sure if you're aware but Lynn updated her will a few weeks before her�death. Aaron, you were removed. AARON: Hm. Well I didn't know that but, uh, well, doesn't surprise me. LOGAN: It's cool, Barr. Dad's accountants didn't give Mom much of an allowance. Aaron is not impressed with his son. BARRY: All right, I'll skip to the relevant paragraph here. [Reading from the papers in front of him] To my son Logan, I bequeath my art collection as well as all of my personal effects in the house. In addition I leave him the balance in my investment account, held with JP Morgan, totalling $115,000. TRINA: And me? She took me out too? BARRY: I'm afraid you were never in it. Trina looks shocked and sighs heavily. Cut to Veronica and Mandy at the dog pound. They hand a flyer over to the man at the counter. VERONICA: We're looking for a lost Jack Russell terrier, Chester. Any chance he's come through? JW: Pure breed Jack. Hadn't come through. Sorry. Another dog pound worker comes through from the back. HANS: Veronica Mars? J-dub, this is the coolest girl in Neptune High. Uh, she was gonna get expelled for planting a spy cam in the teacher's lounge but she had so much dirt, they just let her off. JW: Is that so? MANDY: Have you seen my dog? Veronica hands him a flyer. HANS: Um. Uh, man, no. Aww, I wish I had though, what a cutie. Keep an eye out, okay? VERONICA: We'd really appreciate that. Thanks� HANS: Hans. VERONICA: Hans. Hans exits as Mandy turns to Veronica. MANDY: You really hid a camera in the teacher's lounge? VERONICA: I have no idea what he's talking about. MANDY: Um. They leave the pound. Cut to the Echolls family kitchen. A chirpy Trina, with plate in hand, bears down on Logan, standing and looking at his books on one of the counters. TRINA: Good morning, bro. [Holding out the plate] Pop tart? LOGAN: Taking it[] Hm, a tart from a tart. Logan takes a bite. TRINA: He of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something? Logan, still chewing, uses his thumb and forefinger to pretend to take something from his now closed mouth. LOGAN: Hm. Will you look at that? There was a string attached to my pop tart. He tosses the imaginary string over his shoulder. TRINA: Yeah, well, I'm in a little bit of a jam. I could use a loan. Logan makes a display of hitting a button on his watch, which pings. LOGAN: Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hm, I wonder who had that in the pool? TRINA: You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. LOGAN: Oh, I do. I do. TRINA: Could I just borrow�ten grand, just for a little while. LOGAN: [Incredulous] Ten grand? TRINA: Will you just hear me out, please. My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago and�now he's bugging me about it. I-I can't get him off my back. LOGAN: [Smirking] Did you try standing up? TRINA: [Sarcastically] Thanks. Knew I could count on you. Trina stalks off. Cut to Veronica and Mandy entering the school. VERONICA: This afternoon we should post at the pet stores. Pet owners are more likely to call with any tips. Mandy's cell rings. She takes it from her pocket and answers it. MANDY: Hello? [Pause, then excited] Yes I did. [Pause, then really excited] Oh, you have? Her joy quickly turns to pain as she takes the phone from her ear and puts it back in her pocket. VERONICA: What happened? MANDY: Nothing. Someone was just playing a stupid trick. A crowd of boys further down the hall are laughing and barking, one in particular, who is holding up and waving his cell. MANDY: Lenny Sofer. I had a crush on him last year. I put his picture in my locker. I never told him but somebody did. He's gone out of his way to be mean to me ever since. Lenny barks again, entertaining himself and his mates. Veronica, riled, fixes Lenny with a hard stare and heads for him. MANDY: Oh, Veronica, please, don't worry about it. Really, it's not worth it. VERONICA: Oh, it's so worth it. [To Lenny] You prank-call Mandy? LENNY: What if I did? VERONICA: Well, I want to congratulate you. [Holds out her hand] Shake your hand. [They shake hands energetically] Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo! You're gonna die friendless and alone. The boys around him do the crowd equivalent of an 'ouch' as Veronica turns away from him. LENNY: Hey, everybody knows you're the biggest- Veronica turns back to face him. By now, a fair sized crowd has gathered round to watch. VERONICA: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage over your nose. If you use Mandy again to try to convince yourself that you're not a loser, I will ruin your life - got it? [With feeling] You got it? LENNY: Okay, geez. Lenny is crushed. Veronica marches off until Mandy speaks to her. MANDY: I can't believe you did that. VERONICA: [Harshly] I can't believe that you didn't. If you want people to leave you alone, Mandy, or better yet, treat you with respect, demand it. Make them. Veronica spins around and races off, leaving a beaten but ponderous Mandy behind. Cut to the Mars apartment. Backup greets Veronica as she comes in. VERONICA: Hey, buddy, you wanna go outside? Okay. Her cell rings and she answers. VERONICA: Hello. HANS: Veronica, it's Hans at the pound. I've got some bad news. Cut to Mandy, Veronica and Hans at the pound. HANS: One of our guys found Chester by the side of the highway on his way in last night. He'd-he'd been hit by a car. They had to put him down. I found this, saved it for you. He hands Mandy Chester's collar. Mandy is devastated and Veronica is sad. Cut to the beach. Veronica and Backup jump over the small wall onto the pavement. Veronica gazes at the notice board. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Backup and I walk by here almost everyday. [Collecting notices] This used to be covered with band flyers and surf boards for sale. Now every inch of space is covered with lost dog notices. Cut to Mars Investigations. Veronica is calling the numbers on the notices she took from the beach. The first offers a reward of $750. VERONICA: Hi. I was calling about your missing Yorkie? [Pause] Oh, you did. Great. How did you find him? [Another call] Three weeks. No, I haven't seen him, just a concerned dog lover. [Notwithstanding that the flyer sets a reward of $50] How much is the reward? [And another, the flyer of which refers to a seven year old spaniel with a reward of $100] Hi, is this Bridget? [Pause] Hi, I'm calling about your toy Spaniel, Louie. Is he still missing? [Pause] I'll definitely be on the lookout for him. Good luck. Veronica puts down the phone and looks at the notices. She writes $1000 on a sheet of paper, cuts it out and puts it over the $100 on Bridget's poster for Louie. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Only the owners who've offered big rewards have gotten their dogs back. What happens to the dogs who don't bring a high enough price? Do they end up like Chester, just left by the highway somewhere to die? The pen she is using runs out. She goes into Keith's office to find another. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I can't do anything for Mandy but if someone is stealing dogs in Neptune, they need to be brought down, hard, then beaten with some sort of tyre iron, and dumped into the nearest body of water. As she checks Keith's desk and finds a pen, the door to Mars Investigations can be heard opening and closing. Veronica is however startled by a voice from Keith's door. CELESTE: What did you say to Duncan? Where is he? VERONICA: Excuse me? CELESTE: I think you know why he left. In fact, you're probably the reason he left. What did you say to him, Veronica? VERONICA: Let's start with what I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him that his mother threatened to kill me. I didn't tell him that his mother drove my mother out of town. CELESTE: [Walking into the office] I know you think I hate you but I don't. I just can't stand to look at you. Every time I see you, I see everything that's wrong in my life, in my family. Keith enters the main office and can immediately hear Celeste's voice. CELESTE: I see my husband's infidelity, your mother in his office, in his hotel room. I see your father trying to destroy us. Keith enters his office. KEITH: What are you doing here? Keith walks straight past Celeste to stand behind Veronica. CELESTE: I�needed to ask your daughter a few questions. KEITH: You don't need to ask her anything. You just leave her alone. CELESTE: You don't scare me, Keith. If you were such a great detective, you would have seen what was going on right underneath your nose. Celeste turns and walks out. Keith looks upset. The phone rings and Veronica races out to catch up with Celeste as Keith deals with the call. VERONICA: Wait. KEITH: [Offscreen] Mars Investigations. VERONICA: I'll help you find Duncan if you drop the charges against Weevil. CELESTE: You want the intruder caught in Lilly's bedroom released. I'm sure I should be surprised but I'm not. VERONICA: Nothing was stolen, nothing was damaged. I might have an idea where Duncan went, that's my offer. Celeste looks down, in every sense, at Veronica for a moment then wordlessly leaves the office. Cut to the notice board at the beach. Veronica staples the new Louie dog notice to the board, the reward now reading $1000. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Truth is, I have no idea where Duncan might be but she doesn't know that. As for the whereabouts of lost dogs, let's see who bites when I increase the reward exponentially. Cut to the Echolls family kitchen. Logan is getting a late night snack which he brings over to the counter. He leans down over the counter to eat when Trina walks in, wearing sunglasses and limping. TRINA: Is Dad still at dinner? LOGAN: Yeah. But he's not far. I'm sure if you really tried you could blow smoke up his ass from here. Trina passes him and goes to the ice maker behind him. Logan glances at her. LOGAN: Hey Trin, if you take your top off before you get on the mechanical bull, you won't fall off. Trina doesn't respond. Logan loses the smirk as he realises something is up. He straightens up as she passes by him again. LOGAN: What happened to you? TRINA: Nothing. Logan grabs the sunglasses off of her face. She has a black eye. Trina tries to snatch them back but Logan holds them up, out of her reach. TRINA: Don't you have some homework to do, little brother? Logan drops his arm and she grabs the sunglasses. She turns to walk away. He follows. LOGAN: That wannabe producer boyfriend do this to you? She stops but does not turn and does not answer. LOGAN: What's his name, Dylan? Dylan what, what's his last name? She faces him. TRINA: It doesn't matter. LOGAN: It does now! Tell me. TRINA: You've made it clear that you have no interest in my problems, Logan. Don't be wishy-washy. It's so unattractive in a guy. She walks away. Cut to Neptune High School as Wallace and Veronica come out to the outdoor area, carrying lunch trays. WALLACE: I walked in on 'em making out on the couch last night. She was sittin' on his lap. VERONICA: Hey, hey, hey! No discussing parental PDA at lunch! It's your rule! WALLACE: Sorry. I can't be the only one with that image burned in my brain. I had to share. As they sit at a table, Veronica's cell rings. VERONICA: Hello. [Pause] Yes, this is Bridget. [Pause] Wonderful! [Pause] Yes, the reward is still a thousand dollars. [Pause] How 'bout this afternoon. [Pause] Great, um, I'll send my brother to meet you. Dog Beach, three o'clock. [Pause] Thanks, buh-bye. Veronica puts the phone away. WALLACE: So I'm your brother? VERONICA: I didn't mean brother like, brother. I meant brother like... [doing a funky head wave] you know. Cut to the park by the beach. Wallace is waiting with an envelope. A white van pulls up and a man gets out of the passenger side. He has Louie. WALLACE: Yeah, I know. And where are you gonna get a thousand bucks? If you rollin' like that, you really been holding out on a brutha. MAN: T�, [Translation: You] eh...lost dog. WALLACE: Sure did. Hi there Louie. How you doin' boy. I missed you. Oh yes, I did. Where was he? How'd you find him? MAN: No hablo ingles. [Translation: I don't speak English] WALLACE: Oh. All right, then. Wallace hands over the envelope and the man hands Wallace the leash. The man checks the envelope. WALLACE: Thanks man. MAN: Gracias. [Translation: Thanks] WALLACE: Come on. Wallace walks off with Louie and the man heads back towards where the van dropped him. Before he gets there, Backup races to him and brings him down. The man shouts and screams. MAN: �Ah, ah, aaahh! �Ay, Dios m�o! Perro... �Ah, ah, ay! �Ay! Qu�teme el perro. �Ah, mi zapato! �Ayuda! Ay, mi zapato, ah, zapato, agh, ah... [Translation: Oh, my god! Dog! Take the dog away from me! Ow, my shoe! Help! Shoe!] Wallace walks off with Louie and the man heads back towards the van. Backup races to him and brings him down. The man shouts and screams as Backup gets his shoe off. VERONICA: Oh Backup. I'm so sorry. He just ran from me, that's so weird. Veronica acts to try and help and eventually gets Backup back on the leash. MAN: Est� loco el perro. [Translation: The dog is crazy.] VERONICA: Sorry. The man gets up and runs away. Veronica watches and pulls out the envelope containing the money that she has pick pocketed. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Tag, you're it. Now it's time to play follow the dog thief. Cut to Veronica's laptop, open in her car. She has also put a tracker on him. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Hm, you're walking. Veronica drives off to follow. She pulls up outside a retail warehouse wehre the man is explaining what's happened to him. MAN: La chica suelte el perro, se agarra a mis zapatos entonces se agarra a mi-mi-mi pierna... y no me solt�. Adi�s amigos. [Translation: The girl releases the dog, he grabs my shoes then he grabs my-my-my leg... And he didn't let me go. Goodbye, friends] He moves off, around the corners and Veronica follows on foot with Backup. As she rounds the corner, the man, now talking to a group of around ten men. He spots her and starts shouting at her. MAN: You! T�! �T� tienes mi dinero! �Dame mi dinero! �D�melo! Necesito el dinero para llevar al otro hombre, entonces le puedo exigir mi pago. [Translation: You! You! You have my money. Give me my money! Give it to me! I need the money to take it to the other man so I can demand my payment] Others have joined them in support of their friend and Veronica is surrounded by about twenty men. VERONICA: Oh crap. MAN: Dame mi dinero. [Translation: Give me my money] VERONICA: No, no, no, no. You stole the dog. MAN: I no steal, no. I no steal, no, no, no� All the men are denying her charge and talking at once. Backup barks and Veronica reaches into her bag. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And it's time for the international language of... She pulls out and sets off a klaxon. The man cringes back and the talking stops. ANOTHER MAN: �Ay! �Ay, Dios m�o! [Translation: Ow! Oh, my god!] VERONICA: Okay, now who stole the dog. MEN: �Qu�? �Qu� dice? [What? What is she saying?] MAN: El hombre de los perros, el hombre de los perros. [Translation, Dog man. Dog man.] VERONICA: A dog man? Does he drive a white van? Do you know him? MAN'S FRIEND: Si, white van. el hombre de los perros. A veces nos contrata. [Translation: Yes, white van, he hire us sometimes] VERONICA: Do you know his name? �Su nombre? [Translation: His name?] MEN: Nooooo. MAN'S FRIEND: No pero, pero tiene un van as�, con las muchachas bien... [Translation: No but, but he has a van this way, with the chicks well...] He accompanies his words with the international gesture for big tits. The men laugh appreciatively. MEN: �Ja, ja, ja, ja!. VERONICA: Sure. Let's play dirty charades with the gringa. The man who returned the dog mounts a saw horse and starts to buck on it, slapping his rear, again to the amusement of his friends. MAN: �Me entiendes? �T� conoces? [Translation: Do you understand me? Do you know?] VERONICA: Okay, ah, Muchas gracias. [Translation: Thank you very much.] MAN: No est� ilegal. S�lo trabajamos, �s�? [It's not illegal. We just work, don't we?] MEN: Si! [Translation: Yes!] VERONICA VOICEOVER: So there's a dog man who hires these guys to return dogs. He drives a white van, or maybe a white horse, and he likes to spank busty women. Basically, that's any male living in Neptune. Cut to Wallace and Louie approaching a house. He rings the bell. WALLACE: Come on, Louie. All right. All right now, please be hot, grateful, single� A middle-aged woman answers the door. BRIDGET: Oh! WALLACE: Hi. I was wondering if you lost Louie. BRIDGET: Oh, you found him. WALLACE: I sure did. BRIDGET: Thank you so much. The woman is overjoyed. Cut to Neptune High carpark. As Veronica walks along, she passes a white van. She turns to look at it and spots the mudflap which has a nude on it. Louis XIV's "Marc" starts up as her interest in the van mounts. VERONICA: Hello, ladies. Veronica looks at the back window. There is a sticker for "All Country KBXE" which includes a cowboy on a bucking bronco. She peers into it. Cut to Hans getting into the driver's seat. He is startled when he goes to adjust the driving mirror as Veronica is now sitting in the back of the van. HANS: What the� VERONICA: You kill dogs? HANS: What are you doing in my van? VERONICA: I know what you're doing. You're kidnapping 09er dogs, holding them at the pound and then waiting for the offer of a big reward. HANS: You break into my van and you're accusing me of stealing. VERONICA: So I guess when Mandy and I came looking for Chester, you realised you screwed up, dognapped from a poor girl. So you just cut your losses and threw him to the side of the road. HANS: Actually, I rounded up 101 of them. Some crazy lady's makin' a coat. Now get out of my van, you lunatic. VERONICA: How old are you, anyway, Hans? HANS: Eighteen. Why? VERONICA: Community soap. Veronica gets out of the back of the van, straight into Weevil. WEEVIL: Always gettin' out the back of some dude's van, aren't you? VERONICA: You're out. WEEVIL: Yeah. How many get-out-of-jail-free cards do you have up your sleeve, anyway? VERONICA: Pretty sure that was my last, so you might keep your felonies to a bare minimum. WEEVIL: I am what I am, V. Leopard, spots, you know what they say. Weevil walks on past and she twists round to watch him go. Cut to Mars Investigations. Logan walks in. Veronica is at her desk drinking from a small bottle of water. VERONICA: Hi. LOGAN: Hey, I need your help. VERONICA: Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help? LOGAN: I need you to track down Trina's leech-of-the-week boyfriend. VERONICA: Why? What'd he do? LOGAN: He beat her up. Veronica looks horrified and puts down the water. LOGAN: I plan on returning the favour. All I know is his first name, Dylan and he's producing this steamer. Logan slaps the script Trina had earlier on the desk. Veronica picks it up and looks at it for a moment. VERONICA: Easy. Cut to Trina, applying makeup to her black eye. There is a knock at the door and Aaron pops his head around. AARON: Hey. Going out? TRINA: Oh, not at the moment but just in case, gotta have the game face on. Camera's prying eyes are never far away. Aaron comes into the room, closer to her. AARON: Hm. Hey, what do you feel like for dinner? I think I'm gonna cook. TRINA: Yeah, I'm not really hungry. AARON: Are you okay? TRINA: Just boyfriend stuff. No big deal. AARON: You know even if it's a small deal, um, you can always talk to me about it. TRINA: Well, I-I sorta got his hopes up about you doing his movie. And now the financing is falling through and he's freaking out. AARON: Trina, you gotta talk to me before you go making promises to anybody. TRINA: Dad! I so don't care about Dylan. This is me thinking about you. This is a career defining moment you're passing up. I mean, hello, Travolta, "Pulp Fiction". AARON: Really. It's that good? TRINA: It's better than that good. AARON: Well, I guess I better hear about it then. Why don't you have your boyfriend come by later. Trina jumps into Aaron's arms and gives him a big hug. TRINA: Oh. Thank you so much, Daddy. AARON: Hm. Trina races off. Aaron looks thoughtful. VERONICA: [Offscreen] Hi, I'm calling from Todd Russell's office� Cut to Logan watching Veronica while she continues an ongoing phone call. VERONICA: �at CAA. He read your script, "Escaping Your Past" and he went nuts over it. Have you sold it yet? Really? Who's producing it? [Logan smiles proudly at her] Is that G-o-r-a-n? Great. I'm sure he'll want to speak with him. Maybe we can get you guys a deal. Okay, we'll be in touch. Thanks. Bye. [Hangs up phone] Dylan Goran. Veronica types into her laptop as Logan comes round to her side of the desk and leans down over her to see. LOGAN: Is there really an agent named Todd Russell at CAA? VERONICA: There could be, maybe. [Logan laughs] Looks like Trina's Romeo has had a little trouble with the ladies. Two women have filed restraining orders against him in the last five years. Logan straightens and pulls his cell out of his pocket. He punches in a number. LOGAN: Dad, hey, I need Trina. It's important. Cut to Aaron, in the Echolls family kitchen. He is balancing his cell between his ear and his shoulder as he prepares red peppers. AARON: Oh, hey son. She's in the shower. Her boyfriend's coming over later to pitch me a part in his movie. Cut back to Logan as he moves around the desk. LOGAN: Aren't you retired? I thought you were reconnecting with your family. Cut to an unimpressed Aaron. AARON: [Coldly] Trina is family, I'm helping her out. It's what dads do. Aaron drops the phone from his shoulder. LOGAN: Oh listen. Trina's boyfriend, he's got- Aaron doesn't here as he cuts Logan off. Cut back to Logan. He hears the dial tone and snaps his phone shut. LOGAN: Dylan's on his way to the house. And Dad's cooking for him. Cut to the Echolls patio. Aaron is cooking on a large, permanent, barbecue. Trina arrives with Dylan, sleaze personified. TRINA: Dad. This is Dylan Goran. Dylan, my father, Aaron Echolls. DYLAN: Mr Echolls. It's a pleasure. I'm so glad you decided to meet. AARON: Please, call me Aaron. Hey, taste this for me, will ya? Aaron holds out a piece of meat on the end of a large knife. Dylan takes it and eats it. DYLAN: Umm, umm. Perfect. AARON: Nya, not quite. So, Dylan. Tell me about this part. DYLAN: You'd be playing a hit man. A junkie hit man. TRINA: It's only two days of work, three tops. You'd be in and out. If you said yes, they'd have a green light. AARON: Hm. A strung-out hit man, huh? DYLAN: With a conscience. He's on the junk because he's tormented. It's the only way he can get out of his head. Escape the pain. AARON: You know, it sounds a lot like my old man. He used to beat me and my mom and then�try to drink the demons away. Aaron cleans the knife and puts it down. DYLAN: Yeah, yeah. It's a lot like that. You could definitely draw from that. Aaron puts his arm around Dylan and walks him up the patio. AARON: Yeah, hell, yeah. He used to beat my mom 'til she passed out. Then she'd cake makeup all over her face, wear dark glasses around the house but, you know, I could always recognise the signs. Then, finally, I got the courage up to try and stop him, [Aaron stops] but, man, I'm just a scrawny little kid, he's built like a wall. Dylan, now facing Aaron, is becoming increasingly less confident and comfortable. AARON: He put a cigarette out on my hand. Said, "Nice try, kid." Hey, you know you can still see the scars. Look. Aaron holds up his hand close to Dylan's face. Dylan doesn't look. DYLAN: Wow�wow. AARON: You see 'em there? Forced to, he looks. DYLAN: Uh, no. I don't. AARON: Come on, it's right there. Right there. With that, and to the strains of Dean Martin's "That's Amore", Aaron grabs Dylan's face and pushes him further up the patio. TRINA: Daddy! AARON: Think you could hit my daughter, huh? TRINA: Daddy, no! AARON: My daughter! Aaron pushes him and Dylan falls flat on his back. SONG: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. Dylan scrambles up and Aaron punches him and throws him across the patio. TRINA: Daddy! SONG: That's amore. TRINA: Daddy, stop! Trina tries to grab Aaron's arm but he rips it out of her grasp. He heads for Dylan who gets up and tries to run past. Aaron pushes him into a pillar and punches him again. SONG: When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore. TRINA: Daddy! SONG: Bells'll ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing "Vita bella". Aaron grabs an unlit tiki torch. As Dylan tries to run again, he swings it and slams it into Dylan's legs, bringing him down again. Aaron drops the torch and kicks Dylan hard. TRINA: Daddy, no! Aaron picks up a trash can and throws that down on Dylan. Dylan again tries to scramble away but is caught. Aaron punches him hard enough to send Dylan flying into the table, bringing everything down. SONG: Hearts'll play, tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay like a gay tarantella. When the stars make you drool joost-a like pasta fazool, that's amore. Aaron picks up a wicker chair and throws it at the back of the running Dylan, bring him down near the doors to the house. Aaron approaches him, pulling off his belt and proceeds to beat him with it. TRINA: Daddy, no! SONG: When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love. Logan races through the door from the house, Veronica right behind him. Both are shocked. Aaron, out of breath, looming over Dylan, pauses the beating. AARON: Oh, hey son. How was school? Dylan groans at his feet and turns over to lie on his back. SONG: When you walk in a dream� AARON: Hey, you know what. I considered your offer. I think I'm gonna pass. SONG: �but you know you're not dreaming, signore. AARON: Logan. Will you see this young man to his car, please? LOGAN: I'll be happy to. Trina and Veronica both stand motionless and shocked. Cut to the front of the Echolls house as Dylan drives off. Veronica and Logan walks back towards the house. SONG: 'Scusa me, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore. VERONICA: Wow. LOGAN: [Proudly] Father knows best. They walk in silence for a moment then Logan glances at Veronica. LOGAN: Do you think Lilly loved Weevil? VERONICA: I don't know. Um, Lilly never mentioned anything to me about Weevil. I was wondering when you were gonna ask me about that. LOGAN: Yeah, well. I don't know. When he's caught in her bedroom, you know, I guess you gotta think. They have arrived and stopped outside Logan's SUV. They face each other. VERONICA: You're handling it a lot better than I thought you would. LOGAN: I loved Lilly and Lilly loved guys. VERONICA: Logan, you know that she- LOGAN: You know, she used to say that her [clears his throat] her parents worshipped Duncan and tolerated her. And if she couldn't please 'em, she was gonna go out of her way to piss 'em off. Weevil must have been perfect for that. VERONICA: I know Lilly loved you. LOGAN: Well, it's just not like I loved her. It's okay. No, uh, you know, it kinda let's me off the hook, you know, I-I don't know, I don't have to feel guilty anymore. VERONICA: Feel guilty about what? LOGAN: Moving on. They stare at each other for a moment, then Logan reaches out his hand and touches her cheek as he steps forward to kiss her. She is accepting and they kiss passionately. They break, Logan resting his forehead on hers. VERONICA: What are we doing? LOGAN: [Smiling, whispers] No idea. They kiss again and start laughing in the midst of it and break. VERONICA: We need to talk about this. LOGAN: I know. I kn- He laughs again. VERONICA: Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for a while and see what happens. LOGAN: Meet in mop closets? Pass each other secret notes in the hallway? Something triggers in Veronica's mind. It shows on her face and Logan notices, pulling back a little, but doesn't say anything. When she looks up at him again, he puts his forehead back on hers. LOGAN: Come on, I'll drive you home on the back streets. They smile and Logan opens the door for Veronica. She gets into the car. Logan closes the door and walks around the front of the car to get to the passenger. In the meantime, Veronica has a flashback to herself and Lilly in the back of the car. LILLY: [Laughs gaily] Oh my gosh, look what I found in my cereal box this morning. It's a spy pen. VERONICA: What's a spy pen? Lilly pulls off a part of the pen showing the hidden message compartment. VERONICA: How covert ops of you! LILLY: I'm gonna use it to pass secret messages to all of my lovahs. VERONICA: This is going to be a very busy little pen. Flashback ends and Logan is now in the driver's seat. LOGAN: You okay? Veronica nods at Logan who starts the car. Cut to a library. Mandy is reading a book standing amongst the shelves. Veronica comes up behind her. VERONICA: Hi. MANDY: Hi. VERONICA: I'm going down to the city pound tonight. You wanna come with? MANDY: What? Why? VERONICA: Because I believe that guy Hans and those guys from the pounds are dog-napping pure breed dogs from the 09er zip and holding them there until the owners offer rewards. I plan on proving it. MANDY: Do you think there's a chance Chester might still be there? VERONICA: I wouldn't get my hopes up. Listen, it's stupid and if you don't want any part in it- MANDY: I'm in. Veronica smiles. Cut to Leo, pouring out some coffee at the Sheriff's Department. He looks up and smiles when he sees Veronica. VERONICA: I need to talk to you. LEO: Me. Finally, me. VERONICA: I can't date you anymore. Leo's grin is slow to fade. LEO: Huh. Whoa, okay. VERONICA: Trust me, you don't want to date me. I'm a train wreck. Seriously. The-the first guy I ever loved just dropped off the face of the earth, probably because of something I said, and the last guy I dated turned out to be a drug dealer, and I just made out with my dead best friend's boyfriend, who, incidentally, I hate. So. Train wreck. [Sincerely] But, Leo, you are the sweetest- LEO: Please. Don't tell me how sweet I am. Leo moves over to his desk and Veronica follows. VERONICA: Well, you're also seriously hot so you'll be single for about three and a half seconds. LEO: See. Now that's more helpful. VERONICA: I'm sorry to dump this on you. I just�I genuinely care about you and I wanted to be honest. LEO: So, my response is supposed to be what? Thanks? VERONICA: Probably overshooting a bit, huh? He snorts and nods. VERONICA: You could tell me that you understand. LEO: And that we could still be friends? VERONICA: That'd be cool�'cause I need to follow this confession by asking for a favour. Leo can't believe it and then can't help himself and laughs. Cut to the outside of Balboa Animal Control, the dog pound. Leo bangs on the doors. LEO: Open up, Sheriff's Department. JW unlocks and opens the door. Leo steps in past him, followed by Veronica, Mandy and Wallace. LEO: We need to take a look around. JW: What for, look her dog's not here. LEO: Take us to the back, now. JW: You wanna show me a warrant? LEO: What are you kidding me? This is a public county building, you're a county employee, I'm a county deputy sheriff. Don't make me wake up a judge. JW: Come on. Cut to inside the pound with Wallace leading the group past cages of barking dogs. Wallace spots a room and heads for it. JW: Like you were told, missy, your dog's dead. He's not here. WALLACE: Well, what's in this room here? LEO: What's in that room? WALLACE: It's locked. JW: It's where we keep dogs with serious contagious diseases. You go in there you could infect other- LEO: We'll risk it. JW: Your dog's not in there. Cut to inside the locked room as Mandy enters first and the rest follow. Veronica pulls out the flyers she took for the notice board. VERONICA: Well, lookie here. It's Bucko and Rufus and Shakes and Lola. MANDY: He's not here. Chester's not here. VERONICA: I'm sorry. LEO: You have the right to remain silent. Mandy hurries out of the room as Leo cuffs JW. LEO: Anything you say can and will be used against you- JW: Wait, you cannot prove that I had anything to do with this. LEO: Please. Resist arrest, please. They hear a scream. MANDY: [Offscreen] Look at me. VERONICA: Come on. Veronica and Wallace race out of the room. In the outer room, Hans is on the ground, a taser on his neck. He groans. Mandy is wielding it. Veronica races in and tries to pull Mandy off which she finally succeeds in doing. MANDY: That was my dog, you killed my dog. Do you see what you did? VERONICA: Stop, stop. Hey, hey. MANDY: He was my best friend. VERONICA: Stop, stop. HANS: He's not dead, I swear. Please stop. VERONICA: He's not dead? HANS: We sold him. We sold the dog when we couldn't get a reward. Cut to Leo putting Hans into his car. Mandy and Wallace walk on and Leo approaches the waiting Veronica. VERONICA: Thank you, Leo. LEO: Forget about it. It was fun. VERONICA: Can I ask you kind of a weird question? LEO: Do you ask any other kind of questions? VERONICA: You said Weevil had a pen on him when he was arrested. Are you sure it wasn't a pencil. LEO: It was definitely a pen. Pretty girlie one too. Big, pink, plastic. So much for your bad boy. Cut to the Mars apartment. Keith is in Veronica's bedroom and collects a hair from her brush which he places in a small vial marked VM#2. He carefully adjusts the brush to its original position. Cut to him in the bathroom. He pulls out a hair from his head and places it in a vial marked KM#1 and adds it to the other in some box packaging. He closes the box, which is addressed to the Dna Testing Division of Unified Genetics, 10248 Saro Parkway. The front door opens and Keith quickly places it in his case. He leans against the bathroom door. KEITH: Honey. I know you don't always have a curfew these days but you're starting to make me look bad. VERONICA: So, you knew Weevil stalked Lilly. You questioned him. What convinced you he wasn't the guy? KEITH: We searched him, his home, DNA, all that stuff, nothing came up. He also had an airtight alibi. I'll show you. They move into Keith's room where he gets a large box for the top of his closet. VERONICA: All this time you've had Lilly Kane research in a box marked "Playboys" in the closet? KEITH: Well, I figured it'd be safe there. It's the closed files, it's just the non-essential stuff. VERONICA: You think you're slick, don't you? KEITH: Only 'cause I am. Okay, Weevil was on community service detail. A dozen people saw him from 8am to 2pm. His time card confirms it. He holds up the timecard. VERONICA: And now that we know that Lilly's time of death is well after four? KEITH: The Kanes covered up Lilly's murder. We know that. You think they'd go through all that for someone like Weevil? Cut to Veronica and Mandy walking up a path. Mandy holds back. VERONICA: You've come this far. Mandy walks forward and rings the doorbell of the house to which the path leads. A woman answers. MANDY: Hi, I'm Mandy. I think my friend Veronica talked to you earlier. Chester barks from inside the house and runs out. They reunite. MANDY: Chester! Oh! Oh, hello. Cut to Neptune High. Veronica leans against a wall until she spots Weevil. VERONICA: Weevil, the night you broke into the Kanes, I gave you a pencil. You were found with a pen. There was no ring, was there? You found exactly what you were looking for. He pulls Lilly's spy pen from his shirt pocket. WEEVIL: You mean this? You can have it. VERONICA: Any messages inside when you found it? Messages from you, perhaps. WEEVIL: Now if I told you, it wouldn't really be a secret message pen. Would it? Veronica stares at him, troubled. End.
Plan: A: Mandy's dog vanishes; Q: What event prompts Veronica to investigate? A: dognapping rings; Q: What is Neptune's underbelly? A: Weevil breaks; Q: Who steals Lilly's spy pen? A: Lilly's room; Q: Where did Weevil break into to steal a pink spy pen? A: secret messages; Q: What did Lilly use the pen to hold? A: Keith; Q: Who secretly takes hair samples from Veronica? A: a DNA test; Q: What does Keith send Veronica's hair samples for? A: Logan; Q: Who does Veronica begin secretly dating? Summary: When Mandy's dog vanishes, Veronica agrees to investigate and ventures into Neptune's seedy underbelly of dognapping rings. Weevil breaks into Lilly's room to steal a pink "spy pen", which she used to hold secret messages. Keith secretly takes hair samples from Veronica and sends them in for a DNA test. Veronica and Logan begin secretly dating.
Act One. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Martin enters the apartment with Eddie. Daphne is on the sofa with some video tapes. Roz enters from the kitchen with a tray of wine. Roz: Hey, Martin. Happy Valentine's Day. Martin: Oh thanks, Roz. So you're with us tonight, huh? Roz: Yeah, we rented a couple of sad chick movies. Martin: Oh, it's not like you not to have a date on Valentine's Day. Roz: Tell me, I usually try for a second seating! [Martin laughs] Daphne: And you'd think that being engaged, I'd have a guaranteed date. But no! Donny had to go to Florida, his grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us. Martin: Oh, what did she do this time? Daphne: She died. Frasier enters in his suit. Frasier: Good Lord, where is Niles? I don't want to be late for the opera. Roz: Are you going out with Niles on Valentine's Day? Frasier: Well, it's a subscription series, you see. We got these tickets months ago, we had no idea what day this fell on. Daphne: [hopeful] So Dr. Crane's not spending tonight with Mel? Frasier: No, she's going out of town, some sort of medical conference. [doorbell sounds] You know, actually I'm sorry for Niles, but I'm rather glad to be having an old-fashioned boy's night out. Frasier opens the door to Niles on his cell phone. Niles: [into phone] I can't wait either, I'll see you in twenty minutes, Valentine. [kisses into phone and hangs up] Frasier: That had better be the seat duster in our opera box! Niles: No, it was Mel. At the last minute she decided to skip her conference. Frasier: So, I'll be going to the opera by myself? Niles: Oh, well here's a thought. If you give Mel your opera ticket then you won't have to be alone. You can stay here and watch fun movies with Roz and Daphne. [looks at titles] Ooh, "Dying Young" - it's a... classic. Frasier: I am surprised by your gall! At the last moment you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket! Niles: Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at "The Salad Experience!" What would you suggest I do? Frasier: Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar! Niles: [stalks to the door] May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys. Frasier: Get out! Niles leaves, slamming the door. Frasier: He goes too far! Roz: [sarcastic] Yeah, some nerve - ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend. Martin: Look, Fras, I don't blame you for being a little jealous cause he's got someone and you don't... Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad, I'm simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. [pouring himself a sherry] Nice drink, lovely opera. Then a late supper, perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine, delightful desert soufflé... Oh God, I need a woman. Daphne: Remember my friend Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery! You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be. [N.B. In an earlier draft the line was, "you look at her face and can't even tell where the extra one was."] Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. But actually, I already have someone in mind. You see, there's a stunning woman who comes to the opera on the same nights we do. She has the box right across from ours. We've flirted a bit from a distance. I have laughed with her during "Figaro," cried with her during "Tosca," I even had a dream about her during "Einstein On The Beach." Roz: Well, don't just stare at her, make a move! Frasier: I will, Roz. Tonight's the night. By the finalé I will have made my overture. Dad, would you please come with me? Martin: To the opera? What do you need me for? Frasier: Dad, I can't go with a woman because then she'll think I'm on a date, and if I go alone she'll think I couldn't get a date. Roz: He would look pretty pathetic. Martin: Oh, geez! Daphne: Or you could stay home with us and watch sad movies. Frasier: [reads a title] "Sophie's Choice." Martin: I'll say it is! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Opera Box. Frasier and Martin are sat in the box. Martin: Is she here yet? Frasier: No, not yet. That's her box over there, the empty one. Martin: Well, I'm not going to sit through a whole opera for some woman who's not even here. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Dad, give it a chance. You might actually learn to like it if you'd listen to one. Martin: Hey, your mother dragged to me a lot of these things when we were dating and they were all stupid. These stories make no sense whatsoever. Frasier: Oh, that is not true! Martin: Oh, all right, what's this one about? Frasier: Well, it's about Rigoletto, the hunchbacked jester in the court of the Duke. He has a daughter, Gilda, who's secretly living with him. But everyone thinks that she's his mistress. In this opening scene, Rigoletto mocks the Duke's enemy, who puts a curse on him. Martin: A cursed hunchback dating his daughter - well, nothing screwy so far! Frasier: He is not dating his daughter! Gilda is being courted by the Duke, who is disguised as a humble student. Martin: You see, that's what I mean. The whole thing's so unrealistic. Everybody's in love, pretending to be somebody they're not. And they're all swooning and gasping- Frasier, looking over at the other box, gasps loudly. Martin: Exactly, who acts that way? Frasier: Dad, she's here! She's here, and she's not on a date. That must be her mother. Martin: [looks and gasps] Wow, you're right, she is a looker all right. Frasier: All right, don't gawk, don't gawk, she'll notice. Martin: Well, I thought that was the point. You've got to get her attention. Martin begins waving until Frasier stops him. Frasier: No, Dad, please, don't wave! Just keep your eye on the stage. Martin: All right, but I bet you that gets results. The opera begins and the lights dim. Frasier and Martin applaud. Frasier: [looks] You're right, Dad, it did. Martin: [looks and gasps in horror; through a clenched jaw] Oh God, I wasn't waving at her, I was waving at the daughter! Frasier: That's not what the mother seems to think. [laughs] I think she likes you, wave back. Martin: No, I don't want to. Frasier: Wave back! You started it, wave back to her. Martin: Oh, geez! [reluctantly waves back] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Theatre Lobby. Martin and Frasier arrive from the box. Martin: Hunchback's got kind of a nice voice, but the daughter's kinda screechy! Frasier: Yes, well, she's no Renata Tebaldi. Gosh, I don't see them, do you? Martin: Oh, I bet you the old one's in the ladies room putting on more war paint! Frasier sees the two women coming towards them. Frasier: Here they are. Just try to be nice, Dad! If you are rude to the mother you will ruin my chances with the daughter! [they come over] Well, we finally meet. Emily: I feel like we're practically old friends. Helen: I'm Helen Browning, this is my daughter, Emily. Frasier: I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father, Martin. They greet him. Frasier: Well, can we get you some champagne? Emily: Oh, we'd love it, thanks. Martin: Oh well, let me give you a hand. Frasier: No, no, you know what, Dad, we can manage. Er, why don't you two stay and have a nice little chat? Frasier and Emily leave Martin and Helen alone. Helen: Lovely production, isn't it? I adore Verdi. Martin: Oh, he's my favorite. Helen: Though the woman singing Gilda's a bit off. Martin: She's no Renata Tebaldi. Helen: You know, if you like Verdi so much, I happen to have a spare ticket to "Aida" next week. Martin: Oh, that sounds great, but, er, if it's a week from tonight, I'm busy, I'm sorry. Helen: Actually, it's next Thursday. Martin: Oh, Thursday? Oh, you know there's this thing at my... at my wine club. Helen: That's all right, Martin, we just met, I shouldn't have asked. Martin: No, no, no, Helen, it's got nothing to do with you, it's me. I'm afraid I've given you the wrong impression of myself. You see, the truth is, I'm... [thinks] Helen: Gay. Beat. Martin: Uh, right, gay. Helen: I thought you might be. How many straight men remember Renata Tebaldi? Martin: [looks over at Frasier] Not many! [laughs] Helen: Well, I'm sorry if I was too forward, it's just that sometimes it's so hard to meet nice men. Martin: Tell me! [laughs] Frasier and Emily arrive with the champagne. Frasier: Here we are, Dad. Actually, good news, Emily has agreed to join me for a night cap after the opera. Cast her eye over my African art collection. The bells sound for act two. Frasier: Oh, well... Helen: Very nice meeting you. Martin: Nice meeting you, too. Frasier: [to Emily] I'll see you later. The Brownings depart for the stairs. Frasier: So how did it go with Helen? You didn't offend her, did you? Martin: No, not at all. It turns out I'm not her type. Meanwhile, Helen and Emily chat. Emily: Well? Helen: Opera Queen. Emily: Oh, sorry. Helen: Still, you know who he'd be perfect for? Emily: [excited] Yes! You know, he's here tonight! I'll bring him. Frasier and Martin walk towards the exit. Frasier: Right, Dad, we better hurry up. Don't want to miss the second act. Martin: Oh, who cares? It'll be just more goofy stuff that never happens in real life. Frasier and Martin exit. [N.B. John Mahoney is, in real life, a big opera buff.] End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne and Roz are sobbing over a movie on the VCR as Frasier and Martin enter. Martin leaves to the kitchen. Daphne: How was the opera? Frasier: Lovely. Get out! [turns television off] Roz: Hey, that movie's not over. Frasier: Too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some sort of maudlin sorority house. Now, come on, shake a leg. Roz: [stands] You actually spoke to her, you didn't wimp out? Frasier: You have never seen me so suave. Roz: [goes to door] Some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks! She exits, as Daphne exits to her room. Frasier is not amused. Martin enters holding his beer up. Martin: [to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my "Ballantine"? Frasier: Dad, will you go get a glass, please? Martin: Oh, all right. [exits to kitchen] Frasier: [doorbell sounds] And drink it quickly. The last thing I need tonight is some third wheel cramping my style. Frasier opens the door to Emily on the arm of a very English and very camp Edward. [N.B. Brian Bedford appeared in "Tales of the City" with Dan Butler.] Edward: Hello! [laughs] Frasier: Hello. Emily: I hope you don't mind. Edward here was at the opera too, he's my partner. Frasier: [miffed] Your partner? Edward: At the gallery. I'm also her uncle. Frasier: Oh, [laughs] when you said partner, I thought you meant romantic partner. Edward: [horse laughs] Hardly! Frasier: I'm Frasier. Edward: [enters] Pleasure. What a marvelous view! [goes upstage] May I? Frasier: Yes, please. Edward exits to the balcony. Emily: Your father, is he dating anyone at the moment? Frasier: Well, no, but if you're thinking about your mother, I'm afraid they're not really right for each other. Emily: [laughs] Yes, I know. I meant Edward. Frasier: [surprised] Your uncle? Emily: Yes. Frasier: ...and my father? Emily: They're both single, they love opera and they were both married with kids when they came out of the closet. Your dad told my mother all about it. Frasier: Oh, did he? Emily: Well, she asked him out and he had to be honest with her. Martin enters and notices Edward, who has just entered from the balcony. Martin: Hi, there. Frasier: Yes, nothing like a little honesty to diffuse an awkward situation. Martin notices nothing unusual about Edward. To the contrary, he's pleased to meet someone his own age. Martin: Hi there, how are you? Frasier: [taking Emily's coat] Let me take your coat. Dad, this is Edward, Emily's uncle, he's her partner in her art gallery. Er, Edward, this is my father, Martin. Edward: [shaking hands] Pleased to meet you, Martin. Martin: Same here, and my friends call me Marty. Edward: Then Marty it is! I love what you've done with this place, it's the perfect blend of sleek elegance and [pointedly at chair] audacious whimsy! Martin: Oh, you like it, huh? Do you know, Edward's my favorite name. Edward: Really? Martin: Yes, I even called my dog Eddie. [calls] Eddie! [Eddie rushes in] Here he is. Emily: Oh, a Jack Russell! He loves Jack Russells. Edward: I have three of them. [to Eddie] All girls. Martin: Oh, well, we ought to get them together. Who knows, maybe a little romance'll bloom. [Edward reacts] Frasier: You know, Dad, maybe we should go fetch our new friends some drinks. Emily: I'd love some white wine. Martin: How about you, Ed? Edward: Why not a beer? Martin: Oh, a man after my own heart. Edward, encouraged, trades a look with Emily. Reset to: Kitchen Frasier and Martin enter. Frasier pours a glass of wine while Martin pours beer into a glass. Frasier: Boy, you are really something! Martin: What? Frasier: You actually told Emily's mother that you were gay. Martin: Well, you said not to offend her, I thought that was a pretty good way to get her to cool her jets without hurting her feelings. Frasier: Dad, there's something you don't understand. You see, she told Emily. Martin: She got a problem with it? Frasier: Oh no, she's pretty okay with it. Martin: Oh, I get it, you're worried she'll know I'm straight, find out I've been lying to her mother. Frasier: Dad... Martin: Well, don't worry about it, I'll gay it up a little. Reset to: Living Room Martin and Frasier enter the room with the drinks. Martin: Emily, have I told you I love your hair. Emily: Thank you, Martin. Martin: It's di-vine. [sits on couch next to Edward] Emily: [looks at knickknacks] Frasier, these pieces are wonderful, you've exquisite taste! Martin: Oh, he gets that from me. Yes, it was worth all the hours I dragged him around to the museums and the antiques shops teaching him about art and, you know... upholstery. Edward: Were you in the arts? Martin: Oh, well, actually, Ed- Frasier: Dad was a cop. Edward: Really? [nudges him] The, er, uniform and everything? [laughs] Martin: Yeah, in fact, er, that's what happened to my hip. I took a bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for back-up but it never showed up. Emily: [sighs in sympathy] Because you were gay. Martin: [takes her hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that! Frasier gives him a look. Martin: Yes, that was the day I came out. Lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip and I said, "That's it! I'm gay, I like myself and I'm not living a lie anymore." Edward: I had exactly the same experience when I came out. Edward puts his hand on Martin's knee, to his surprise. Martin's eyes bug out as he looks at the hand, then to Frasier, then back to the hand again. Frasier just smirks at him. Edward: Not, exactly, perhaps. Yours was a bullet in the hip. For me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunther. Emily: [holds Frasier's hand] What did I tell you? I knew they'd hit it off. Frasier: [laughs] Yes, I had a feeling myself. Martin: And you didn't say a word, you scamp! Er, Frasier, why don't you come help me get some snacks for everybody? Frasier: All right, if you'll excuse us. Reset to: Kitchen Frasier and Martin enter and begin making snacks. Martin: You didn't tell me this was a set-up! Frasier: Well, how blind can you be, Dad? He didn't seem gay to you? Martin: He's English, they all seem gay. Frasier: Lord! Martin: Well, we're just going to have to tell him the truth. Frasier: Oh, what? You found her mother so unattractive you pretended to be gay?! Dad, Emily is the most fabulous woman I have met in ages. If you screw this up for me, I will never forgive you, so just be nice, all right? Martin: But what if he asks me for a date? Frasier: I have news for you: You're on a date! Reset to: Living Room They enter with the snacks to find Daphne chatting to the pair. Frasier: Daphne! Edward: We've just been chatting with your delightful physical therapist, Marty. Daphne: Oh, he's a charmer, this one. [Edward laughs modestly; to Martin] Now, aren't you glad you went to the opera? [to Emily] I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most nights he just sits here alone watching the telly. Emily: [re: Edward] He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything. Daphne: [re: Martin] With him it's mostly sports. Just give him a bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around the field and he... Frasier: Daphne! [drags her to the kitchen] Where are we keeping the Camembert these days? Daphne: [protesting] Same place we always do. Frasier: [pushes her into kitchen] Get in the kitchen! Frasier and Daphne exit. [SCENE_BREAK] Emily: You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year. Edward: All right, Emily. Emily: I never trusted that man. Edward: [annoyed] All right, Emily. Emily: And why you loaned him your boat... Edward: [angry] All right, Emily! He chuckles weakly and shrugs at Martin. Then from the kitchen they hear Daphne laughing herself silly. Frasier enters with the cheese, pretending he made a joke. Frasier: Here we are. Emily: Thank you, Frasier. I would love to see the rest of the apartment, if it's no trouble. Frasier: Why, that's no trouble at all. The two walk to the corridor. Martin: [worried] Frasier, can I just... Frasier: Now, Dad, don't worry. I will close the door to your room. [to Edward] You should see it whenever he gets ready for the opera - clothes everywhere! Frasier and Emily exit. Daphne enters, grinning. Daphne: Well, I'm off to bed. Martin: Oh, no, no, no, Daph. Daphne, why don't you join us? Daphne: [trying to contain her laughter] Oh, no, no: Three's a crowd! [exits in a giggle] [N.B. Daphne getting a bit of her own back, after Martin left her in the exact same fix in [2.03], "The Matchmaker."] Martin sits with Edward. Edward: So. Martin: So... Edward: Our loved ones seem determined to thrust us together. Martin: Well, don't let them pressure you. Martin is about to put his arm on the couch but then stops, realizing it looks like a come-on. Edward: Congratulations, Marty, on having raised such a splendid son. I envy you your bond. [Martin gets nervous] Martin: Do you have kids? Edward: Just one, George. He's thirty-five and he has consecrated his life [in horror] to bowling. I join him when I can, but... Martin: You're not wild about it. Edward: No. I mean, oh, the shoes! Strange isn't it, the things we'll do to be close to our children. Martin: Oh, yeah. I've let Frasier drag me to all kinds of places I didn't want to go to, just so that I could spend some time with him. You know, sometimes it's hard to humor your kids but... Edward: [puts his arm on the couch] It's what we do, we're fathers. Martin: Exactly. Both men are aware that a nice rapport has been established - for Martin, uncomfortably so. Edward: Marty, would you be free for dinner sometime? Martin: Oh, gee, I, er... Edward: No, it's all right, never mind. Martin: No, no, no, I'd love to, it's just that... Edward: No need to explain. Martin: No, no, really. It's not you, you're a great guy, it's just that I'm... [obviously contrived] dating someone! Edward: Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings. Martin: No, no, really, it's true. Niles enters with a bottle of wine. Niles: Hello. Martin: Darling! [hugs Niles] Niles: I'm sorry, am I interrupting something? Martin: Oh, not a thing, honey. Just take off your coat and stay a while. Niles: Okay. [does so] I felt bad about that squabble earlier so I dropped off this little peace offering. Martin: [takes wine] As if I could stay mad at you. Er, this is my boyfriend, Niles. Niles, this is Edward, we met at the opera tonight. Edward: Delighted. Niles: [confused] Hello. Edward: You needn't look so startled. I can assure you, there's nothing funny going on. Niles: Oh, good. Martin: Well, why don't we go put this on ice? Martin takes his confused son in to the kitchen as Frasier and Emily arrive chatting. Frasier: Of course the finest Gilda ever sung was by the great Mathilde DeCagny. I actually have a recording. Emily: I'd love to hear it. Frasier: Where's Dad? Edward: He's in the kitchen with his boyfriend. Martin and Niles enter hand in hand. Frasier: Oh! [confused] Niles, what brings you here? Martin: Well, it's my place too! [laughs] I can have company if I want. Emily, this is Niles. Emily: [coldly] Hello. Niles: Hi. Emily: [aside to Frasier] Em, I didn't realize your father was seeing someone. Frasier: No, actually, I didn't think he was. Since when were you two an item? Martin: Two weeks now. We didn't say anything about it, yet, because, well... [looks at Niles for an excuse] Niles: So many reasons. Edward: You know, it's getting late, Emily. Emily: Oh yes, we should be going. Frasier: No, no, please, please, stay for just five more minutes. I have a very special old port that I'd love for you to sample. Frasier goes into the kitchen beckoning Niles. Niles tries to go, however he is stopped by Martin clinging on to him. Niles whacks his arm, freeing himself. Reset to: Kitchen Niles and Frasier enter. Frasier hurriedly pours three glasses of port. Frasier: How can you do this to me? Niles: This was not my idea! Frasier: Niles, Emily just kissed me in the bedroom and now she's leaving. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Niles: You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane! Frasier: You've got to fix this! Niles: Oh, and how am I supposed to do that? Frasier: Well, isn't it obvious? You've got to dump Dad! Niles and Frasier enter the living room and hand out the ports. Frasier: Here you are. Really, you must try this. So, Niles, actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera. Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel. Martin: ["jealous"] Oh, and who's Mel? Niles: ["exploding"] Damn you and your jealous questions, you don't own me! Niles walks to get his coat after being given a sign of approval from Frasier. Martin: Niles, I was only asking! Niles: [walks to door] You're always asking, badgering, spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore. I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over, you hear me? Over! [haughty sniff] And I'm keeping the jewelry! Niles exits, slamming the door behind him. Frasier: [nearly laughing] Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry. Martin gives him a look. Emily: If there's anything we can do... Martin: No, I'll be all right, I... I guess I always knew it wouldn't last. Edward: Marty, the young ones never stay. Emily: I know what will cheer you up, that "Rigoletto" recording. Frasier: Oh yes, splendid. Edward: You know, Emily, I'd love to hear it but that shipment is arriving bright and early. [stands] Emily: [disheartened] Oh, right. Frasier, I wish I could stay, but I'm Edward's ride. Frasier is disappointed, while Martin looks angry with himself. Frasier: Yes, what a shame. Well, I guess this is good night, then- Martin: [stands] No, no, wait a minute. Emily, em, why don't you just stay here with Frasier and enjoy the music. [gets his coat] I'll give Edward a ride home. Frasier: You would do that, Dad? Martin: Happy Valentine's Day, son. Frasier: [overjoyed] Thanks, Dad. Martin: All right, good night. They all give their farewells as Martin and Edward exit. Frasier switches on the opera recording and sits on the couch with Emily. Emily: It was so sweet of your father to do that. He really loves you, doesn't he? Frasier: You have no idea. As she snuggles up to him, a romantic aria begins, and we FADE OUT. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is removing a gift card from a large floral arrangement on the dining room table. Martin compliments her on the flowers, which he assumes are from Donny, but Daphne smiles and hands Martin the card. Martin reads it and looks uncomfortable; the flowers are from Edward. Daphne goes off to the kitchen with a big smile as Martin frowns at the bouquet. Finally he softens and leans over to sniff the flowers, then reaches out and plucks one stray flower from the bouquet and replaces it in a better location. He smiles with satisfaction and goes off to watch television.
Plan: A: Valentine's Day; Q: What holiday is Niles canceling a night out with Frasier to be with his girlfriend Mel? A: Niles; Q: Who cancels a night out with Frasier to be with his girlfriend Mel? A: Frasier; Q: Who persuades Martin to go to the opera instead of Niles? A: Martin; Q: Who pretends to be in a relationship with Niles? A: Emily; Q: Who brings Edward to Frasier's apartment? A: Marg Helgenberger; Q: Who plays Emily? A: Helen; Q: Who tries to ask Martin out on a date? A: ( Mary Louise Wilson; Q: Who is Helen's mother? A: Edward; Q: What is the name of Emily's gay uncle? A: Brian Bedford; Q: Who plays Edward? A: an item; Q: What does Martin pretend he and Niles are when Edward shows up? Summary: It is Valentine's Day . Niles cancels a night out with Frasier at the opera to be with his girlfriend Mel. Frasier persuades Martin to go instead, and at the opera they meet Emily ( Marg Helgenberger ) and her mother Helen ( Mary Louise Wilson ), during intermission. Helen tries to ask Martin out on a date, but tells her he is gay to let her down gently. That evening, Emily brings her gay uncle, Edward ( Brian Bedford ), to Frasier's apartment, hoping to set him up with Martin. When Martin realises, he pretends that he and Niles are an item.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's 0-Dark:30, in other words it's really, really early. Everyone's asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.] Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey's with Monica in trail.) Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person. Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!! (Chandler opens the door, finally.) Rachel: What is that noise? Chandler: You! Joey: It's the chick! She's...going through some changes. Monica: What kind of changes? Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that's she's becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We're getting a second opinion. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.] Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning? Rachel: Well, I've been up since six. Thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster. Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around... Phoebe: All right. I'm gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I'm ready to have Frank and Alice's embryo transferred into my uterus. Ross: Now, how will they know if you're ready? Phoebe: Oh, they're just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick. Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya. Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick. All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.) Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck! Monica: Oh, good luck. Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And I'm still right! Monica: That is sooo not true! Rachel: What? Joey: She's mad because I know today's her laundry day and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants. Chandler: I can check that for ya. Monica: I just-I can't believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you. Chandler: Well... we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers. Joey: Yeah, what's that about? Chandler: (to Rachel) And you... Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel's bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there. Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You're good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not. Rachel: I'm so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop. Monica: Yeah. Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag? Ross: Five. Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag. Rachel: How many guesses do you get? Joey: Six. Ross: Challenge extended. Monica: Deal! Ross: Challenge excepted. Joey: All right, we'll start with...apples. Ross: We'll be starting with apples. Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now! (Ross reveals a bag of apples.) Chandler: Yes! Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt. Chandler: Diet soda. Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (They're perfect so far.) Chandler: Orange juice. Rachel: No! There's no orange juice in there! We win!! Monica: Ha-ha! Ross: They have another guess. Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one. Joey: Okay, the last thing... Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey's ear.) Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks. Chandler: I got it! Scotch... tape. (They're right.) Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape? Chandler: Well, we used there's up last night making scary faces. Monica: Aww, man! Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it. Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch. Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions. Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks. Joey: Serious? Monica: Are you scared? Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions? Monica: Ross will do it. Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It's not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own. Rachel: Fine! We'll ask Phoebe. Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play. [Scene: The Doctor's office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.] Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation. Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning. Frank: Well, okay, so what's now-go get, go get the eggs, put 'em in there. Dr. Zane: Okay, it'll take just a little while to prepare the embryos. Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?" Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually. Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs? Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach. Phoebe: That's it! 25 percent? That means that's it's like 75 percent chance of no baby at all! Frank: Hey, y'know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there? Alice: Sweety, now, she's a woman, not a gumball machine. Phoebe: Okay, well y'know what, don't worry you guys, 'cause I'm-I'm gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right. Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right. Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we're kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time. Phoebe: Whoa!! That-okay, that's a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there-is maybe is there something that I can do y'know just to like help make sure I get pregnant? Dr. Zane: No, I'm sorry. Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don't know anything! Frank: I know! Why don't you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.] Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant? Joey: Huh. Rachel: I know! I know, it's such a huge, life-altering thing. Joey: I know. (They all pause and think about it.) Ross: The test is ready. All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.) Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time. All: Oh yeah! (Ross flips the coin again.) Rachel: Tails! Ross: It's heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category. Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves. Ross: What is Monica's biggest pet peeve? Joey: Animals dressed as humans. Ross: That's correct. Ladies? Monica: Same category? Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Ross: That is correct. Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?! Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body! Ross: Gentlemen, you're pick. Joey: It's All Relative. Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother! Joey: (to Chandler) Nana? Chandler: She has a real name. Joey: (answering the question) Althea! Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?! Joey: I took a shot. Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?! Ross: Althea is correct. Chandler: Nice shooting! (Ross motions for the girls to pick.) Rachel: We'll take Literature!! Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing! Monica: No!! Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong. Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you're head! Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chinandolor Bong. [Scene: The Doctor's office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.] Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay, hi! I'm-I'm-I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we're doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you've been there! Umm, y'know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home, so... Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I'm screaming, don't worry, that's what's supposed to happen. Dr. Zane: Ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.] Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category. Rachel: (shouting) It's All Relative!! Ross: You don't have to shout everything. Rachel: (shouting) I'm sorry! Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler's father's Las Vegas all-male burlesque? Monica: Viva Las Gaygas! Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct. The Girls: Yes!! Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round! All: Ohhhh. Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer. Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds. Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we're gonna destroy you. Monica: Huh, wanna bet? Chandler: Well, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far... Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150? Ross: 150 dollars. Chandler: Say 200? Ross: 200 dollars. Monica: You're doing it again. Ross: Excuse me. Rachel: Monica, I don't want to lose 200 dollars. Monica: We won't. (to Chandler) 300? Rachel: Monica?! Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up! Rachel: Okay, so let's play for some pepper! Stop spending my money! Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel: Oooohh that's interesting. Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster's family! Rachel: Throw in the duck too! Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn't make any noise! Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up. Joey: Look, we are not gonna... Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds. Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.) Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey: Oooooh! Monica: Deal! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.] Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don't know about this. Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.) Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there? Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me. Rachel: All right, let's do it. Monica: Come on! Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.) Ross: All right, gentlemen, you're up first. Joey: Okay. Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.) Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins-stop it (Chandler stops jumping)-now. What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey: Big fat goalie. Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie... Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey: Weekend at Bernie's. Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joey's ear and then in Ross's ear.) Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? (They both confer.) Joey: Everyday use. Chandler: Fancy. Joey: Guest. Chandler: Fancy guest. Ross: Two seconds... Joey: Uhh, 11! Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, that's 4 for the guys. Ladies, you're up. Rachel: All right! Monica: Come on! (As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you don't know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey's New Girlfriend.) Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins...now! What is Joey's favorite food? Monica: Sandwiches! Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? (The girls are stumped) Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. Monica: And processing. Rachel: He carries a briefcase. Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce-transpondster! Monica: That's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this! (Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.) Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Rachel: Oh my God. Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table.] Joey: I call Monica's room! Chandler: You can't just call Monica's room. Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I'm sight of the room and I called it. (Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he's in sight of the room, and mouths damn!) Monica: Man, I feel like I'm coming down with something. Joey: What? Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can't guess what color my tonsils are? I'll bet the apartment! Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It's too nice. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey-ooh Pheebs, are they in there? Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they're implanted. Monica: How do you feel? Phoebe: Well, freaked. 'Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice's like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket. Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works. Monica: Really?! How much?! Phoebe: All right, I'm gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now. Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon. Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine. Rachel: (entering from Chandler's bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I can't believe you guys are actually think you're moving in here! Chandler: Well believe it baby! Rachel: Well I-I-I'm not moving. Joey: What?! Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game! Joey: You can't just ignore the bet! It's a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet! Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would've made them get rid of the birds. Right? Rachel: Noooo. Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it's all your fault. Rachel: What?! Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week! Chandler: I knew it! Rachel: I don't care, I'm not going anywhere. Chandler: Cool, girl roommate. (Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.) Monica: Well? Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet. Monica: It's only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time. Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I'm gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I'm just gonna y'know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I'm let gravity y'know, do its jobs. [Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler's bedroom.] Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box? Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl's apartment! That is a boy's apartment, it's dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It's-it's so pretty! And look, and it's-it's purple! And I'm telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.) Monica: I'll take care of it. Rachel: That's right! You do what the hand says! [Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.] Rachel: How did it go? Monica: I lost our mattresses. [Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.] Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus? In nine will you come great us? I will buy you some Adidas." (There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hey! Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi! Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present. Phoebe: Oh. Oh. Frank: Umm, it's a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test. Monica: Hey, don't mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop. Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There's only one question. Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y'know just remember that it's still really early, okay so, if it says that I'm not pregnant, that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don't go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this. Alice: Okay. Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.) Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.) (The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph) Rachel: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong! Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross: Don't blame the questions! Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment! Joey: But it is our apartment! Rachel: No it's not! (They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.) Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You're gonna have a baby! They're gonna have a baby! Frank: MY SISTER'S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!! (They all go over and hug Phoebe.) Phoebe: Okay, but this can't be good for the baby. All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking.] Monica: I can't find garbage bags! Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here. (She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what's inside of it.) Monica: What is it?! Rachel: I don't know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die. Monica: I can't believe we're living here! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they're both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.] Chandler: What?! What-what is it?! Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?! Chandler: I can't believe we live here! (They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.) Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!
Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who and Chandler argue over who knows whom better? A: the birds; Q: What do Rachel and Monica want Chandler and Joey to get rid of? A: the rooster; Q: What bird starts crowing every morning? A: Ross; Q: Who designs a trivia quiz with high stakes? A: apartments; Q: What do the women lose and have to switch with the men? A: the girls; Q: Who loses the tie breaker? A: Frank and Alice's embryos; Q: What is implanted into Phoebe's uterus? A: her pregnancy; Q: What happens to Phoebe after the tense wait? A: 2009; Q: When did TV Guide rank this episode #21 on its list of the 100 Greatest Episodes? A: TV Guide; Q: What publication ranked this episode #21 on its list of the 100 Greatest Episodes? Summary: Rachel and Monica demand that Chandler and Joey get rid of the birds when the rooster starts crowing every morning. Joey and Chandler argue with Monica and Rachel over who knows whom better, so Ross designs a trivia quiz with high stakes: if the men lose, they give up the chick and duck, but if the women lose, they switch apartments with the men. The result comes down to a tie breaker, which the girls lose, forcing them to move. Frank and Alice's embryos are implanted into Phoebe's uterus, leading to a tense wait that results in her pregnancy. In 2009, TV Guide ranked this episode #21 on its list of the 100 Greatest Episodes. [3]
3.12 - Lorelai Out of Water OPEN IN LORELAI'S FRONT YARD [Lorelai and Rory are staring at their garage] RORY: Well. LORELAI: I'd say three years. RORY: I'd say more like four. LORELAI: What? It has not been four years since we've stepped foot inside our own garage. RORY: It was when we got the Jeep. LORELAI: That wasn't. . .yes, it was. RORY: And even then, I think we only got as far as opening the door before something flew out and scared you. LORELAI: Yes, it scared me while you stood by calmly like Dr. Dolittle chatting with the bat. RORY: It was a bat, wasn't it? LORELAI: Wearing an OzzFest T-shit, I believe. RORY: Will the man never be able to live that down? LORELAI: Well, Joe Namath will forever be wearing pantyhose. RORY: True, very true. LORELAI: So, uh, what do we do about the bat cave? RORY: Well, we did promise Lane that her band could rehearse here. LORELAI: Yes, we did. RORY: And they'll probably need to actually get in there to do so. LORELAI: So I guess we're going in. RORY: I guess we are. LORELAI: All right. On three – one, two, three. [They open the garage doors] RORY: Ah! LORELAI: What, what is it? RORY: Those are the boxes from our attic that you were supposed to give away two years ago. LORELAI: What? RORY: I spent three days boxing all the stuff in the attic and you were going to call a charity and get someone to pick them up. LORELAI: I made an appointment, the guy didn't show. RORY: He didn't? LORELAI: No, I don't think. RORY: Unbelievable. LORELAI: Look, I got bored after sitting there two hours, so I left a note saying the stuff was in the garage and he could leave a receipt, and I went to get some coffee. RORY: These guys aren't just allowed to go into someone's garage. LORELAI: Well, the note said it was okay. RORY: Well, how did he know that the note was authentic? LORELAI: I wrote it on Powerpuff Girls stationery. Who'd he think was setting him up, Hello Kitty? RORY: I can't believe how much junk we have. LORELAI: Hey, these are – these are souvenirs from our life's journey, girly girl. This is not junk. Okay, this is junk, and that over there is junk. All right, basically everything I'm looking at is, yeah, junk. RORY: We're pack rats. LORELAI: We're Sanford and Son. Yuck, bye bye. [throws a stuffed ball out of the garage] RORY: Wait! [catches the ball] LORELAI: What? RORY: Hug-a-World! LORELAI: What? RORY: Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World. LORELAI: Where's the world? RORY: It's faded. LORELAI: Oh, wait, I can see something. RORY: Canada. LORELAI: Canada, nice. Okay. RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: I'm throwing it out. RORY: You can't throw out Hug-a-World. LORELAI: I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada. RORY: I learned my seven continents on Hug-a-World, don't you remember? We used to squeeze it as tight as we could and then wherever our pinkies would end up, that's where we were going to go together when I grew up. LORELAI: Yes, many a trip to Uzbekistan was planned that way. RORY: We can clean him up and keep him, can't we? LORELAI: Throw him outside and I'll see what I can do. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: If I clean up Hug-a-World, does that cancel out me not getting rid of the boxers? RORY: I'll consider it a wash. LORELAI: How about if I chase it and bring it back? RORY: What? LORELAI: Hug-a-World would like to see the world. RORY: It's moving. LORELAI: There's something living there besides Canadians. RORY: I hugged it, I hugged it really tight. LORELAI: Yes, you did. RORY: I have to shower! [runs away] LORELAI: Hey, hey, hey, what about the rest of the garage? Rory! Hey, how ‘bout if Lane's band rehearses in the kitchen? We don't use that either. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [There is construction going on outside. Luke tries to take an order over the noise] LUKE: Can I take. . .Can I take. . .What can I get. . . That's it. [goes outside] TAYLOR: I specifically requested a carved arch above the door. TOM: It's a blueprint, Taylor. TAYLOR: Yes, Tom, I know it's a blueprint. LUKE: Taylor! TAYLOR: One second, Luke. I know it's a blueprint, Tom, but if I don't see a carved archway here, then I don't expect to see a carved archway there, and if I don't see an archway there, then you won't see a paycheck here. Are we clear? TOM: Get away from my saw, Taylor. LUKE: What the hell is going on? TAYLOR: I'm renovating your building. You know that very well. LUKE: I also know that the renovation is supposed to be going on over there inside the building. TAYLOR: There is plenty of room to move around if you turn sideways. LUKE: I'm gonna punch you in the nose. TAYLOR: I have every right to make the necessary renovations to the building that I am paying good money to lease. LUKE: Taylor, if any other person in this town pulled a stunt like this in front of your market, you'd have them arrested. TAYLOR: I have acquired all the necessary permits to do exactly what I'm doing, and all of this has been looked over and approved by the town magistrate. LUKE: You're the town magistrate! TAYLOR: And as such, if you have any complaints about me, you may take them up with me. TOM: Get him away from my saw. LUKE: Get him away from my diner. TAYLOR: By the way, Luke, I noticed you hadn't returned any of my lawyer's calls about the lease agreement. Now we have to set up an appointment to see that those papers get signed. LUKE: Forget it. I'm not going through any lawyer. You want those papers signed, you pick them up and you walk them over to me. Then, I'll sign them. TAYLOR: Luke, this is business. It needs to be done properly and legally. LUKE: It's a standard lease form, Taylor. I bought it at Office Depot. TAYLOR: All the more reason to have a professional take a little looksee, huh? I mean, there's a reason they say good lawyers make for good neighbors. LUKE: Who the hell said that? TAYLOR: Oh, everybody says that. Okay, now back to work. Tom, let's take another look at this archway, shall we? TOM: Get away from my saw, Taylor. CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD [Lane and the band are setting up in the garage] LORELAI: I already talked to the neighbors. Just make sure you keep the doors closed, and the music must stop by eight. LANE: Don't worry, I have to be home by six. ZACH: We'll be done by eight, don't you worry. LORELAI: I won't. ZACH: Okay, okay, okay, Lorelai, okay. LORELAI: Uh, so, um, Rory showed you the key. Uh, you're welcome to anything in the kitchen, which is nothing, but, uh, the water's yours for the taking. Just replace the bottle if it's out. ZACH: You ask, I will obey. LORELAI: Super. BRIAN: I'm out! LORELAI: He's out! I'll get you some more! LANE: Oh, no, no, don't worry about it. I'll get it. LORELAI: Okay. Oh, excuse me. Do you need any help? RORY: No. LORELAI: Do you need any help, please? RORY: I'm good, Pamela Des Barres. LORELAI: When did you turn on Mommy? RORY: What? He's cute. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: And you know, if you latch on now, you're totally entitled to half of everything when he dumps you after he's famous. LORELAI: Okay, um, since you don't need any help, simply a new place to live, I'm gonna just go. ZACH: Listen. . . LORELAI: You're back, okay, hi. ZACH: We're gonna be playing a gig next month, and I think you'd really get into it. LORELAI: Oh, well, I'd love to get into it, Zach, but see, I have this medical condition where I can't listen to music. ZACH: You can't? LORELAI: No. My ears, the hollow tubey thing inside is very tiny and it will literally explode if I listen to anything loud and musical. ZACH: That sucks. LORELAI: I know. Thanks for the invite, I'm sure it's gonna be great. Uh, so, uh, you guys have a good rehearsal. I'm gonna go on inside and write to Tipper. Great gal. See you guys later. RORY: Bye Pam. ZACH: She is some kind of fine. BRIAN: Zach, some help would be great. ZACH: Relax. LANE: I still can't believe you guys are letting us rehearse here. RORY: You can thank us in the liner notes. LANE: Right under our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. RORY: That's some good billing. So, are you guys actually playing a gig next month? LANE: Abby Berland's birthday party. Her parents are letting her have a band. RORY: That'd be great. LANE: Cross your fingers she doesn't wreck the car again and her mother doesn't cancel it before we get to play. RORY: I'll hide the keys myself. BRIAN: Okay, I'm done. DAVE: Me too. ZACH: Let's do this. DAVE: Listen, Lane, we need to talk a sec. LANE: Sure. DAVE: Now that we finally have a real rehearsal space, we can get serious about the sound. LANE: Absolutely. DAVE: Which means that I'm gonna need you to really step it up a little. LANE: Oh. DAVE: I mean, you've got the potential, but you're sloppy. I need a clean roll on the toms but powerful, like Moon. LANE: Okay. DAVE: I know you're a girl, but I need you to play like a guy. LANE: I understand. DAVE: And if you can't, if that's too hard. . . LANE: No, that's not too hard. I'll be better, I promise. DAVE: Okay. [Dave walks away. Rory walks up to Lane] RORY: Okay, please take this the way it's intended, but I am going to kick Dave in the shins repeatedly for the next hour and a half. LANE: Why? RORY: Why? Did you hear the way he was talking to you? "Play like a guy, Lane." Well, cry like a girl, Dave! What? Why are you smiling like that? LANE: He fooled you. RORY: What? LANE: We thought the other guys might be catching on about me and Dave so we came up with this plan. RORY: That he become a jerk? LANE: Yes. If the other guys see him talking down to me like that, they will totally be thrown off track. RORY: Okay, but doesn't it bother you to hear him talk to you like that? LANE: No way. Believe me, he knows I play better, harder, Moonier than any guy they could possibly find, plus I smell better. RORY: Okay, as long as you're fine with it. LANE: I am, I'm fine with it. DAVE: And also Lane, I need four strong downbeats, not two strong ones and two whatever ones. You set the tone, Lane. If you suck, we suck. LANE: God, he's wonderful. CUT TO COFFEE SHOP [Lorelai is sitting at a table as Alex walks over with two little coffee cups] ALEX: Okay, now this is the Sumatra blend. It's supposed to be a little sharper than the Colombian. LORELAI: You know, this is pretty much what I thought heaven would look like. There might have been a unicorn in the corner, but basically – yeah, this is it. Um, so I've had fifteen of these tiny coffees. ALEX: Yes, you have. LORELAI: And you're telling me that all this tasting is completely free? ALEX: Yes. LORELAI: So I'm a cheap date. ALEX: Well, the tasting is free, but I have to promise to stock my coffee chain from this warehouse, so actually this date is costing me about eleven thousand dollars a month. LORELAI: Geez, I hope I'm worth it. ALEX: So far, so good. LORELAI: So you were telling me about Hillary and Jeff. ALEX: Right. Well, they live with their mom, but I get them quite a bit. They both recently started soccer because apparently it's the law. LORELAI: I know. Rory's still got an outstanding warrant on that one. So, how old are they? ALEX: Six and nine. LORELAI: Good ages. ALEX: Haven't really hit a bad one yet. LORELAI: Me either. Although, with Rory, I think it's gonna be forty-three. ALEX: Really? LORELAI: Not sure why, just have a feeling that's the year she's getting the mohawk. Mm, we like sharper. When you guys open your coffee place, this must be on the menu. ALEX: Yeah? Mm, that's sharper. LORELAI: So, let's see, we've covered work, kids. . .uh, shall we move onto hobbies? ALEX: Not a hobby guy. LORELAI: Hallelujah. ALEX: Most of the time I'm working, with the kids, or I'm charming the chicks with the coffee. And then a few times a year, I'll go camping or fishing. I actually really love that stuff. LORELAI: Oh yeah? ALEX: Absolutely. How about you? LORELAI: Ah, there's a reason they call it the great outdoors, right? ALEX: I was actually thinking of doing a little fishing this Saturday. LORELAI: Oh, that sounds like fun. ALEX: This great place, beautiful, perfect fishing. You wanna come? LORELAI: Huh? ALEX: I'd love to take you. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, sure. That would be nice. ALEX: Great, it's a date. LORELAI: Yes, it is a date. It is a fishing date. ALEX: Ready to try another? I hear there's one from Peru that comes with a Surgeon's General warning. LORELAI: Hey, if that last one didn't kill me, nothing will. ALEX: Be right back. CUT TO BUS STOP [Rory gets off the bus; Lane runs up to her] LANE: Rory! Rory! The numbers are all adding up, the planets are aligning, and I am going to my senior prom! RORY: What? LANE: Yes! RORY: How? LANE: Because I am brilliant. See, my mom was in a good mood today because she made a big sale – a dining room table and eight chairs, none of which matched, that have been hanging around the shop since I was four. RORY: Oh, I'm gonna miss those. LANE: Get over it. Anyway, I sat her down and I told her that I really wanted to go to the prom. And I know she doesn't approve of such things, but if she lets me go, we will do it her way. RORY: But her way would be not to let you go. LANE: Yes, she said that also. But then I went on to clarify that if she lets me go, she would get full dress approval, full chaperone approval, I promise not to actually dance at the prom, and whatever boy I go with will be required to attend at least four family dinners before she signs off on him being my escort. RORY: Nice move on using the word escort instead of the word date. LANE: The subliminal is half the battle, Rory. RORY: Go on, go on. LANE: So, she sat there, took it all in, and after a really long pause, she looks at me and says, "Maybe." RORY: You got a maybe from Mrs. Kim. LANE: I got a maybe from Mrs. Kim. [they walk into the beauty supply store] LANE: Okay, let's start with base. RORY: Right. Now, we are talking Dave taking you to the prom, right? LANE: Of course. My mom loves him. Last week she let him sit in our pew. RORY: No. LANE: She made me move. RORY: You've been replaced. LANE: I'd be offended if I weren't so busy doing a happy dance. It's all working out so perfectly. By the time she says yes, she'll love him even more and then when I say I wanna go to the prom with him, it'll be like she picked him out herself. RORY: You are brilliant. Hey, Kirk, is this waterproof? KIRK: Water-resistant. RORY: Thanks. LANE: You know, she asked Dave to play at the wedding this weekend. RORY: I thought I was the only non-Korean allowed at the Kim family weddings. LANE: Don't be hurt. You have been to so many of these weddings, you are an honorary member of the clan now. RORY: I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what's his story? LANE: James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn't meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country. RORY: I hope they cut air holes in the box. LANE: She doesn't speak a word of English and she's never met him. RORY: Hm. Well, then she's gonna need some sparkles. LANE: Okay, I think that's it. RORY: Let's go. Can you imagine marrying someone you didn't know? LANE: Are you kidding? Used clothes still skeeve me out a little. KIRK: Will this be all? RORY: Yes. I like your display Kirk. KIRK: It is fun, isn't it? Okay, that's $40.42. LANE: Here. KIRK: I'm also including a few samples, a facial scrub and a honey mask. Very soothing, very healing. RORY: That's very nice. KIRK: Thank you for coming, and call me and tell me how you like that mask. RORY: We will. [they walk outside] LANE: Okay, the wedding's at four, so how about you come over at one and we'll get her ready? RORY: Deal. LANE: You know, Rory, I feel good. I feel like everything's going my way this time. RORY: I hope so. LANE: No, it is, I can feel it. Lane Kim is going to her prom. RORY: Maybe. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Sookie is frosting a cake, Lorelai is sitting next to her] LORELAI: Dumb, dumb, dumb. SOOKIE: Oh, come on. LORELAI: Sure, I fish. I also bodysurf and walk on the moon without a space suit. SOOKIE: You were trying to impress him. LORELAI: Ugh. SOOKIE: What ugh? You like him. LORELAI: I like him, but I'm not sixteen. I don't lie to guys to make them like me. I just got stuck when he said fishing and camping, and I was trying to be nice and not say, "Fishing? Great – cold, wet, and smelly. My three favorite things after those witches from Macbeth." SOOKIE: Honey, we all do it. When Jackson and I first started dating, we went to this pickling festival, and he wore a shirt with a giant frog on it. So I'm trying to make conversation and I say, "Hey, cute frog." And he says, "You like frogs?" and I say, "I love frogs!" So, for our six-month anniversary, he gives me a frog figurine. LORELAI: Aw. SOOKIE: And then when Christmas came, he gave me another frog figurine. And then he told his family what to get me, and all of a sudden. . . LORELAI: Your frog collection! SOOKIE: I'm the frog girl. LORELAI: You never told him you don't love frogs? SOOKIE: No. He has the best time buying them for me, so I just let him buy them. LORELAI: That's sweet. Maybe I could go fishing. Maybe. Once. SOOKIE: Tell me about Alex. LORELAI: Well, he owns an iron company. They do gates and statues, big fancy stuff. He's divorced, he has two kids he's crazy about. He's nice, he drinks a lot of coffee. It's all good, it all works. SOOKIE: So? LORELAI: So. . .I'm going fishing. I'm the fish girl. SOOKIE: Frog girl welcomes you to the club! CUT TO CHILTON [Students are gathering for the student council meeting] LOUISE: I don't know what to do. It's time to break up, but he seems so happy. MADELINE: You could date his brother. LOUISE: I guess, but that's so ‘been there, done that.' MADELINE: We could switch. LOUISE: Isn't that how I got him? MADELINE: Oh yeah. Wow, it really is time to go to college. ADVISOR: Rory, where is Paris? RORY: I don't know. ADVISOR: She's almost fifteen minutes late. RORY: Is she? ADVISOR: All right. Well, perhaps we should start without her. You can convene the meeting. RORY: Okay. If everyone will take their seats, we can call this meeting to order. All right, since Paris isn't here – PARIS: Paris is here. Couldn't wait to jump in there and take over, could you? RORY: Tell it to the Timex salesman. PARIS: My gavel, please? I call this meeting to order. RORY: I already did that. PARIS: Sorry I'm late, but I had some very important business to attend to. Business which I must now, unfortunately, share with all of you. At the beginning of this year, when we were sworn in as your government representatives, we placed our hand on a bible and we took an oath. An oath that stated that our behavior would be ethically and morally upstanding for as long as we were serving in public office. And that is why it saddens me greatly today to inform you that one of our own has forsaken that holy oath. MADELINE: I hate anything that starts with a speech. ADVISOR: What are you talking about, Paris? PARIS: I hold in my hand evidence accusing one Rory Gilmore of committing high crimes and misdemeanors. RORY: What? ADVISOR: Paris, what's going on here? PARIS: Miss Gilmore has been conspiring with the various factions of this school to weaken the efficacy of this administration. RORY: You're really pathetic, you know that? PARIS: You'll have your chance to address these charges when I'm done. RORY: What charges? PARIS: First on the list, espionage. RORY: Espionage? PARIS: Gathering privileged information and divulging it to the enemy. RORY: What privileged information? Prom colors are green and pink, pass it on? PARIS: Next on our list, the most serious crime – treason. RORY: I'm sorry I talked about Jamie. PARIS: And having a big mouth. That's going on the list also. RORY: I can't believe you're taking all of this out on me. What about Francie? PARIS: Francie was not my second in command. Francie was not privy to the innermost workings of my personal. That is, not until you made her privy. RORY: Everyone in school saw you walking with Jamie, Paris. PARIS: I'm still talking. RORY: She already knew! ADVISOR: Enough! We've heard enough. PARIS: I move to put to a vote the impeachment of Rory Gilmore. RORY: Hey! ADVISOR: Miss Gellar, I'm sorry, but we do not impeach here at Chilton. PARIS: Why not? ADVISOR: Because this is a student government. PARIS: Well, then, I'd like to put to a vote a resolution to instate the ability to impeach. ADVISOR: No. PARIS: Then she should resign. RORY: I'm not going to resign. You have the problem, you resign. PARIS: No, you resign! RORY: No, you resign! PARIS: No, you resign! ADVISOR: No one is resigning. LOUISE: Maybe I'll stay with him ‘til Friday and see how it goes. MADELINE: That sounds fair. ADVISOR: You two can take this argument somewhere else. This is student council. Real school matters are the only things that matter here. Now, Paris, move on. PARIS: The swimming pool needs re-plastering. Ideas for fundraising, please. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [A woman with a briefcase walks in] NICOLE: Excuse me? Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Lucas Danes. JESS: Oh, Lucas. LUKE: What? JESS: IRS. NICOLE: I'm not IRS. I'm not IRS. LUKE: I'm Luke Danes. NICOLE: Luke Danes, sorry. Well, hello Luke Danes, I'm Nicole Leahy, I'm Taylor Doose's attorney. LUKE: Oh, geez. NICOLE: He wanted me to bring – LUKE: Yeah, the lease agreements, yes, I know. I told him to walk them over here, but hey, what's the fun of being Taylor, right? NICOLE: I'm sorry if this is a bad time. It certainly won't take me very long. LUKE: Nah, I'm fine, whatever. Let's get this over with. NICOLE: No problem. LUKE: You want some coffee? NICOLE: Yeah, sounds great. I really just need to witness your signature, is all. It's actually just a formality. LUKE: In other words, completely ridiculous and unnecessary. NICOLE: Uh huh. LUKE: Okay. NICOLE: Mr. Doose really likes things to be formal. And neat. And in triplicate. He just loves things in triplicate. That's a really good cup of coffee. LUKE: Thanks. So, tell me something, what's it like being Taylor's lawyer? NICOLE: Well, actually, I'm not exactly Mr. Doose's lawyer. Or only lawyer. He's one of our select clients, so all of our attorneys deal with him or a rotating basis, it's my month. LUKE: My condolences. NICOLE: Yeah, my father always told me that which does not kill you makes you stronger. LUKE: You're gonna be really stronger. NICOLE: He's not that bad. LUKE: Seriously, if you run into someone pinned underneath a truck, pick it up. It's gonna be a piece of cake. Okay, looks like that's the whole nine yards. NICOLE: Great. You and Mr. Doose are officially in business together. Oh, I'm so sorry, I meant that as a good thing. LUKE: It's okay. NICOLE: Uh, I will let you get back to work. Let me. . . LUKE: No, no, on me. NICOLE: Tell you what. It's business, let's let Mr. Doose pay for it. LUKE: Even better. [Nicole leaves] JESS: Well, that was an interesting show. LUKE: What are you yammering about? JESS: Guess Gloria Allred wants to go slumming. LUKE: Shut up. JESS: She was totally coming onto you. LUKE: She was not. JESS: Couldn't you hear her panting when you were signing those things? LUKE: Didn't see it. JESS: She laughed at your jokes, and we both know there's gotta be some ulterior motive when people laugh at your jokes. LUKE: Okay, whatever. Even if there was something, which I'm not saying there was, she's a suit. Not my type. JESS: Yeah, especially since she's not a monk. LUKE: Oh, I don't go out that much, is that what that's supposed to mean? JESS: Take a look at a calendar. When was the last time you went out on a date? A year, two years ago? LUKE: Last month, wiseass. I went out with Joanna Cooper. JESS: You gave her a ride home. LUKE: A ride home is the end of a date. JESS: Only if you go on a date first. LUKE: I'm not gonna discuss this with you. JESS: Suit yourself. I have to go meet Rory anyhow. See, I'm gonna go pick her up, spend a few hours actually being with her, then give her a ride home. That's called the end of a date. LUKE: Or I could stay open a few hours later which means you're here ‘til ten. That's also called the end of a date. JESS: Hopeless. LUKE: Bye now. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai is sitting at a table looking bored when Luke walks over] LORELAI: Hey, got any good stories? LUKE: Nope, sorry. LORELAI: Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name? LUKE: Jeff Smith? LORELAI: Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars? LUKE: It really throws you off when Rory's late, doesn't it? LORELAI: Big time. [Rory walks into the diner] LORELAI: Oh, yay, thank God! RORY: Sorry. Didn't Luke keep you company? LORELAI: Oh, he tried, but really, he's got nothing. LUKE: Thank you. LORELAI: So what's with all the books? RORY: We are going to fish. LORELAI: With these? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: So we throw them in and try to knock the fish out? RORY: I went to the library and got of all their best informational books on fishing. LORELAI: Ugh, you're serious. RORY: You wanna learn to fish or not? Exciting, huh? LORELAI: Oh, I can barely keep still. [opens book] "Chapter 1, technique. For deep water fishing, an angler – " What's an angler? RORY: That would be you. LORELAI: Oh, better remember that. Okay. "For deep water fishing, an angler" – me, again – "can choose a wire line using a downrigger or a vertical jig. Whatever your technique, the other successful clue to attracting fish is the appropriate lure." Ooh, what about the sequined top I wore to the Christmas party? RORY: Yes, I think that's exactly what he's talking about. LORELAI: "For bottom feeders, consider smaller, darker patterned lures" – simple, yet elegant – "while in areas where the forage fish are cicso, you're limited to the larger, more flashy baits." I am telling you right now, the larger flashy baits are just gonna make me look cheap. RORY: Okay, let's review – what do we know so far? LORELAI: I need flashy baits if I'm going to invest in cisco, unless I choose to cast a troll in my downrigger. RORY: Hey, that's good. LUKE: Doing a little studying? RORY: My mom's leaning how to fish. LUKE: You're what? LORELAI: I'm learning how to fish. LUKE: Oh, sorry, wrong inflection – you're what? LORELAI: Go away. LUKE: Why are you learning how to fish? LORELAI: Um, it's just something I wanted to do. Some friends of mine fish, and I thought if they can do it I can do it. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: And what if I am a really great fisher? Yeah, I mean, what if that's my calling, the thing that I am meant to do? And all this time I've been sitting here with the gift to fish and I am squandering it. It's like if Mozart walked right by the piano store and never played a note. LUKE: So you're gonna fish to fulfill your destiny? LORELAI: That's right. LUKE: And you're gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: And you sanctioned this? RORY: Yes. LUKE: Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there's another way to learn to fish. LORELAI: The Fishing Channel. LUKE: I fish. RORY: Oh yeah, we've seen those boots thingies outside drying off. LUKE: Those would be called waders. LORELAI: And I'm sure I'll be reading about waders soon in one of these cliffhangers here. LUKE: If you want, I can show you a few things, get you started, make sure you don't strangle yourself with your own line, the basics. LORELAI: Are you sure you don't mind? LUKE: I can come over tomorrow after work. LORELAI: Great, thank you. Agh. Just for the record, I don't wanna learn that. LUKE: Got it. CUT TO CHILTON [Rory walks into the secretary's office] RORY: I got a note that I was supposed to come see Headmaster Charleston. SECRETARY: I'll let him know you're both here. RORY: Both? PARIS: Both. RORY: Both. SECRETARY: Take a seat, please. RORY: Yes, ma'am. [sits down next to Paris] So what this time, trying to have me deported? PARIS: Oh, yeah, like I'm the one who called this meeting. RORY: I certainly didn't call this meeting. PARIS: Save the act for Sundance, you little snitch. RORY: I didn't snitch. PARIS: Said the weak-kneed turncoat. RORY: Nixon's bad seed. PARIS: Daughter of Judas. HEADMASTER: Ladies, come in please. [they walk into the office] HEADMASTER: Have a seat. Chilton student council president and vice president in my office. . . not what I would've expected, I must tell you. There's been quite a stir about you two the past several days. The school is buzzing with the talk of your clashes in student council meetings, your face-offs in the cafeteria, a screaming match at the school newspaper's office. PARIS: Excuse me, Headmaster Charleston, in regards to the incident at the Franklin, Ms. Gilmore submitted a piece that was quite poorly researched. RORY: It was not poorly researched. PARIS: I had to re-edit it and Ms. Gilmore took it very badly. RORY: There was nothing wrong with the piece. PARIS: And in regards to the student council meeting – RORY: Oh, you mean the one where you tried to impeach me because you haven't been properly diagnosed yet? PARIS: If you'll just allow me access to my briefs – RORY: You know what, you want me to quit? Fine, I'll quit. I never wanted this stupid job in the first place. PARIS: Who forced you to take it then? RORY: You did, because you didn't think you'd get elected unless I ran with you. PARIS: That's not true! RORY: It's completely true! PARIS: Shut up! RORY: No, you shut up! HEADMASTER: Enough! This behavior will stop this instant. It is disgraceful, especially from the political leaders of this campus. Now, I'd like to know what is actually driving this recent rash of infighting. Oh, goody, I get to guess. Well, let's see, perhaps you're arguing over the same boy? PARIS: Sure, we're girls, so we could only be arguing about a boy, right? Sexist, white-haired – HEADMASTER: Paris, are you muttering? PARIS: No, sorry. HEADMASTER: All right, if it isn't a boy, perhaps it's a popularity thing. Someone didn't get invited to someone else's party? Or perhaps this is a power struggle of some sort. No? Well, then I'll stop guessing and start lecturing. Ms. Gilmore, you will not be quitting the student council, is that clear? RORY: Yes, sir. HEADMASTER: The student body has elected you and therefore you will fulfill your commitment. And in the future, I would advise you to think long and hard about accepting any responsibility if you intend to run away from it at the first sign of conflict. And Ms. Gellar, you worked very hard to get to the position you hold in this school, and yet now you are willing to throw all that away on petty vendettas and childish antics. Indeed, it makes me wonder. . .if you two can't resolve your issues in this sheltered – some would say pampered – environment, how on Earth will you ever survive in college? As student council officers, you represent Chilton to those inside and outside these hallowed halls. Right now, the world sees us as a group of sniveling, spiteful, vindictive individuals – not really what I'd hoped for, nor is that how I portrayed the two of you in my personal letter of recommendation to Harvard. I would hate to have to write a second letter to the university correcting my errors in judgment. However, I've done it before. Am I making myself clear? RORY: Yes, sir. PARIS: Yes, sir. HEADMASTER: Delightful. You may see yourselves out. [Rory and Paris walk into the hallway] RORY: Well, that was delightful, wasn't it? I'm not sure which is more embarrassing – having Charleston yell at us or knowing we actually had a "shut up/no, you shut up" fight in front of him. So, what do you think, Paris? Do you feel as completely rotten as I do? PARIS: No. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Luke is unloading his fishing gear out of his truck. He honks the horn and Lorelai walks out of the house] LUKE: Let's go. LORELAI: Hello, sailor, bait your hook for you? LUKE: You look ridiculous. LORELAI: I look adorable. No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit. LUKE: Well, I'll just let that go by because we have a lot to do here. LORELAI: Okay, wait. I'll just get my purse before we go. LUKE: Go where? LORELAI: To the lake. LUKE: You're not ready for the lake. LORELAI: Then what am I ready for? [Luke points to the small inflatable pool he has set up in the yard] LORELAI: Uh! You're putting me in the kiddie lake? LUKE: Gotta crawl before you can walk. LORELAI: Oh, this is not at all embarrassing. There's not even fish in it. [Luke dumps a bucket of fish into the pool] LUKE: Trout. LORELAI: Hey! Aw, they're so cute! Hello, hi boys. And look, they're all "ooh" like they're singing in a little trout choir. LUKE: I wouldn't get too attached. LORELAI: Hi Gomer. LUKE: There you go. LORELAI: Oh, don't be scared Pinky. LUKE: And now there's Pinky. LORELAI: Pinky Dowdy from fourth grade. See her eyes darting back and forth, all panicked? She got that way from dodge ball. It's okay, Pinky, nobody's gonna hurt you. Hey Pete, stop crowding Pinky. It's okay, Pinky, just go over there behind Cheryl. LUKE: Okay, now that everybody knows each other, take this. LORELAI: What's that? LUKE: That's your rod and reel. LORELAI: Huh, rod and reel. I don't know if the guys are gonna like this. LUKE: Well, we can skip the lesson and just take the trout out for some beers. It's up to you, really. LORELAI: No, I'm going to learn. LUKE: Okay. I already went ahead and threaded your line through the guides here, and put a hook on it. LORELAI: What kind of bait is that? LUKE: It's a cork. LORELAI: Remind me not to let you cater any of my parties. LUKE: It's to cover the hook. Okay, now, this little metal thing is the bail. It's very important. It keeps your line on the spool here. LORELAI: Line on the spool, got it. LUKE: Okay, take the rod in your right hand, and you press your right index finger on the line, holding it against the pole. With your left hand, slide the bail over. Now don't let go of your index finger or all the line will spin off your spool. Now, pull the pole back over your shoulder to the ten o'clock position. LORELAI: Oh, great, now I gotta go buy a watch. LUKE: You flip your wrist forward to two o'clock, at the same time releasing your index finger, casting your line out into the lake in front of you. Now, you try. [hands her the fishing pole] LORELAI: Okay. Now, I do something with my right hand, my right index finger, and with the bail and a spool, and pull the thingy. . . [she accidentally casts the line backwards] LORELAI: Oh! Now, that would've been embarrassing if I weren't dressed like this. LUKE: Oh, you released at eleven, you're supposed to release at two o'clock. Try again. LORELAI: Okay. [Lorelai casts the line again] LORELAI: Ah! Hey, I made it in the pool, I made it in the pool! LUKE: I see that. LORELAI: Why aren't you excited? LUKE: I'm very excited. LORELAI: Well, jump around or something. LUKE: All right, you know, you're going in the pool. LORELAI: Fine. LUKE: All right, what do you think? Ready to take the cork off and try your luck? LORELAI: Uh, uh, I'm ready, but they're not. LUKE: No problem. LORELAI: Man, you need a lot of stuff for fishing. LUKE: Well, normally, you don't bring your own lake. LORELAI: Right, right. LUKE: So, tell me why you're doing this. LORELAI: Because you told me to. LUKE: I mean, tell me why you're learning to fish. LORELAI: Oh. I told you, some of my friends are going. LUKE: What friends? Sookie? LORELAI: What? LUKE: Is Sookie going fishing? LORELAI: Well – LUKE: Or Rory – did Rory suddenly get the overwhelming urge to dig for worms and stand in the middle of a lake at five a.m.? LORELAI: Yes? Okay, fine, I met this guy. LUKE: Ah. LORELAI: And, uh, he's kind of an outdoorsy guy. LUKE: Oh, just your type. LORELAI: No, not exactly, but he's nice and, uh, he was talking about fishing, and I think I said something like, ‘Oh, hey, that sounds great', and so he invited me and here I am. LUKE: I got it. LORELAI: Sorry I didn't tell you. LUKE: Why didn't you tell me? LORELAI: I don't know. I just felt stupid getting rooked into the thing in the first place, and then. . .plus, you don't wanna hear about my personal life. LUKE: So this'll be your first date or. . . LORELAI: Second. LUKE: Second date. LORELAI: He took me to this coffee tasting place. LUKE: Coffee tasting, just your type. LORELAI: Uh huh. LUKE: Well, I think that's great. LORELAI: Thank you. LUKE: Yeah. When are you going? LORELAI: Sunday morning. LUKE: Oh. Well, it's hard to be a fisher woman without your own pole. You can borrow one of mine if you want. LORELAI: Really? LUKE: Yeah, I got an extra little tackle box, too. . . if you want. LORELAI: That would be great. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Can you do me one more favor? LUKE: Sure. LORELAI: Put a cork on your hook. LUKE: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory is resting her head on the kitchen table] LORELAI: [from other room] Could you please just make some coffee? RORY: I'm not doing anything for you ever. LORELAI: Don't be mad. RORY: You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m. LORELAI: [walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons. RORY: Which are? LORELAI: My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream. RORY: You will pay. LORELAI: That's fine, honey. Now, coffee? RORY: I am writing this in my ledger of all the crummy things you've done over the years, and when I leave this house, mark my words – you will pay! [doorbell rings] LORELAI: Oh great. It's 5:30 a.m., and I have no coffee in my system. [Lorelai answers the door.] ALEX: Hi. LORELAI: Hi. ALEX: [holds up a bag] Coffee and donuts. LORELAI: Ah, I like you. Come on in. Right in here. [they walk to the living room] This is Rory. ALEX: Hi, I'm Alex. RORY: Nice to meet you. Would've been nicer in the daylight, but. . . LORELAI: Okay, let's get going. It's not like the fish are gonna wait for us all day, right? I'll take that coffee now. Thank you. I got it, I got it. [Lorelai walks toward the front door] ALEX: Your mom's never been fishing before, has she? RORY: Oh, no, she's a well-seasoned fish killer. ALEX: Uh huh. I made lunch reservations at the Shahaela Lodge and Spa afterward. Think she'll like that? RORY: She'll love that. ALEX: Good. Go back to sleep. CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE [Guests are mingling before the wedding] MRS. KIM: Min Jae, you lost weight. Look good, not so fat. MIN JAE: Thank you. [Mrs. Kim sees Lane carrying a tray of water glasses] MRS. KIM: What is that? LANE: The bride's thirsty. MRS. KIM: Regulate the water. Once the dress is on, that's it – must remain standing. [Lane walks over to Dave] LANE: Hi. DAVE: Hi, and hi. LANE: Uh, this will not be the mental image you carry around of me the rest of the week. DAVE: No, it won't. Hold on, I just saw the back. Yes, it will. MRS. KIM: Why aren't you upstairs? It's not right to leave the bride alone on her wedding day. LANE: Uh, Rory's up there, Mama, and I'm going up there right now. Dave Rygalski was just wondering where to set up. MRS. KIM: David, hello. DAVE: Hello, Mrs. Kim. The place looks wonderful. MRS. KIM: Thank you. Come, sit here. This is Ho Kyung, she'll sing with you. DAVE: Hi. MRS. KIM: Watch the high notes, she's a runner. CUT TO LANE'S BEDROOM [Rory is fixing the bride's hair when Lane walks in] LANE: How's it going? RORY: I like it, but I'm not the one getting married. [to bride] Um, your hair, do you like it? [Lane asks her in Korean, and the lady responds in Korean] LANE: Too much for me. RORY: Oh, I found the Mrs. Kim-approved makeup in the drawer, but let me tell you, since the last wedding, it has developed a smell. LANE: A what? Oh boy. RORY: As I said, a smell. [Lane retrieves some makeup from under her floorboard] LANE: Well, I've got the good stuff right here, right next to the Peggy Lee. RORY: Seems appropriate. LANE: I thought so. Shall we? RORY: Unh unh, the foot stool. LANE: Whoa. All set. So, Dave's here. RORY: He is, huh? LANE: I still can't believe he's willing to do all this just to go out with me. RORY: Well, hey, where else can he find a decent, pretty, smart girl who can recite the entire encyclopedia of rock in 5/8 time? LANE: Nowhere, I guess. RORY: I'm really happy for you guys. LANE: Thanks. I'm really happy for you and Jess, too. RORY: Thanks. You know it's okay, right? LANE: Not following. RORY: It's okay not to like Jess. LANE: I said I was happy for you. RORY: I know. LANE: God, I'm such a jerk. RORY: You're not. Look, we're not always going to like the same things. Like, you like Smashing Pumpkins and I don't. LANE: But that's only ‘cause you're close-minded and blind. RORY: What can I say? They're not my angst. LANE: Besides, it's not like I don't want to like Jess. I can't help it. As your best friend, I'm very protective of you. RORY: You could try giving him a second chance. LANE: I could. I should. I will. Um, hey, maybe we can all go out sometime together as a group, you know, you, me, Dave, Jess. RORY: Absolutely, we should do that sometime. LANE: Great. [the door starts to open] Incoming! [Rory pushes the makeup off the vanity as Mrs. Kim walks into the room] MRS. KIM: What's going on in here? LANE: Nothing, Mama. RORY: I fell off my chair. LANE: Oh, well, don't. RORY: Yes, ma'am. MRS. KIM: She looks very beautiful. Must've gotten a good night sleep. [Mrs. Kim leaves the room] RORY: How many people do you think have gotten married here over the years? LANE: I counted once off the guest book – forty-six. RORY: Wow. What happened to that one, Min Cha? She married a real mean guy. LANE: Wan Nam. Didn't I tell you about them? RORY: No. LANE: Well, Min Cha put up with seven years of Wan Nam telling her she was stupid and ordering her to cook all his meals. Then one day, he was in the kitchen looking for his lunch and she just snapped. Took a carrot peeler and turned on him. RORY: A carrot peeler? LANE: You can get those things pretty sharp. Anyway, she just came at him and started peeling. The neighbors called the police. They showed up and Wan Nam was just standing there all peeled. RORY: What happened? LANE: He didn't press charges, but now he makes all his own meals, sleeps in a locked separate room, and keeps the cutting board by his bed for protection. Still married, though. RORY: Wow. LANE: Everybody's still married. It's like a factory system here. They all come to the weddings, find a spouse, get married and stay that way ‘til they die. RORY: They mate for life, like the loons. LANE: You know, this may be the last wedding for a long time, though. RORY: How come? LANE: Well, all my cousins in their twenties and thirties are married. James was the last one. RORY: Wow. It feels like we've had at least two of these every year since I can remember. LANE: Elementary school, when we met. RORY: Elementary school, when we met, yeah. LANE: Well, we do have some distant relatives left. Maybe we can go to one of those weddings. You know, when we come home from college on break or something. RORY: Well, then, we should definitely keep the makeup. LANE: We definitely should. RORY: And who knows, maybe the next Kim wedding we do makeup for will be yours. LANE: Too scary, don't freak me out. RORY: Sorry. LANE: So, what do you think, eye shadow? RORY: Why not? Let's do it. Peeled to death – that's a bad way to go. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke looks out the window and sees Taylor talking to his lawyer. They wave to each other.] LUKE: [to customer] Here you go. We'll top that off for ya. [to Jess] Coffee over here. JESS: Where you going? [Luke walks out of the diner] LUKE: Uh, Miss Leahy? NICOLE: Yeah? Mr. Danes, how are you? LUKE: Good, good, and it's Luke. NICOLE: Okay, Luke. What can I do for you? LUKE: I wouldn't cross there. NICOLE: Why not? LUKE: Well, Taylor's a stickler about jaywalking and he's town magistrate. I'd hate for you to be disbarred. NICOLE: Well, that would be a bad way to end a career, thank you. LUKE: Sure. So, uh, did the lease forms all work out? I mean, was my signature okay? ‘Cause sometimes I'm in a kind of a hurry and my hand just takes off without me. NICOLE: Your signature seemed very steady. LUKE: Good, good, ‘cause you never know. NICOLE: Well – LUKE: Listen, I was thinking about that cup of coffee you had at my place the other day. I felt bad making Taylor pay for it – not that I ever feel bad sticking it to Taylor. I just thought it might get you in trouble with a client. I'd hate to see you disbarred again. NICOLE: To be honest, I actually paid for the coffee myself. LUKE: Oh, oh, well, then at least let me pay you back for it. NICOLE: You wanna give me seventy-five cents? LUKE: No, no, no, uh, what I meant was – ah, what the hell? Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? NICOLE: Yeah. LUKE: Really? NICOLE: I'd love to have dinner with you. LUKE: Great. Okay, uh, well, I have your card. NICOLE: Mmhmm. LUKE: Why don't I give you a call this week and we'll make that happen. NICOLE: Sounds good. LUKE: Yeah, sounds good. So, see ya. Watch those crosswalks. NICOLE: Thanks, I will. [Luke walks back into the diner] LUKE: Shut up. JESS: I said nothing. LUKE: Well, don't. CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE [The wedding has started.] PRIEST: [speaks Korean to bride] BRIDE: [answers in Korean] PRIEST: [to groom] And do you vow to uphold the principles of the seventh commandment as set out in Exodus 20:14? JAMES: I do. PRIEST: [speaks Korean] [pause] And so, in the Glory of God, I pronounce you husband and wife. RORY: That was nice. LANE: Yeah, it was really nice MRS. KIM: Reception at Elks Lodge. Two hundred guests. Food goes fast. Let's move. RORY: I can't believe that's the last time I'll hear your mom say that. LANE: So, are you coming to the reception? RORY: Oh, no, I was actually going to – LANE: Go meet Jess. RORY: Yeah. Are you mad? LANE: No. You know, he can come to the reception with you if. . . he's not really the reception kind of guy, is he? RORY: Not really. Not yet, anyway. LANE: We'll work on that. RORY: Yes, we will. LANE: Okay, tell him hi for me. RORY: I will. Tell Dave hi for me. LANE: I will. RORY: Bye. LANE: Bye. [Rory leaves] MRS. KIM: Lane! LANE: Yes, Mama. MRS. KIM: This is Young Chui. LANE: Hi. YOUNG CHUI: Hi. MRS. KIM: He will take you to the prom. LANE: What? MRS. KIM: Young Chui works for his father who builds Adventist hospitals. Young Chui will go to college at Loma Linda University. Then he will return to work for his father building Adventist hospitals. Now, put your coat on. Young Chui and his parents will drive you to Elks Lodge. [walks away] LANE: Mama! [to Young Chui] I'm sure you're very nice. [Lane follows Mrs. Kim to the kitchen] MRS. KIM: [to wedding guests] Not a bus stop, door's that way. LANE: I have to talk to you. MRS. KIM: Get your coat, we have to go. LANE: No. MRS. KIM: No? LANE: I can't go to the prom with Young Chui. MRS. KIM: Why not? I thought you wanted to go to the prom. LANE: Yes, I do wanna go to the prom. MRS. KIM: I thought you say I could approve the boy you go to the prom with. LANE: I did say that, but - MRS. KIM: Well, I found the boy, I approve the boy, now you go to the prom with the boy. LANE: Mama, um, I'm sure – I'm sure Young Chui's very nice and I'm so grateful you're letting me go to the prom, but the thing is – I like someone else. MRS. KIM: Someone else? LANE: Yes. MRS. KIM: Someone else who? LANE: Someone else who's been a good friend to this family. Who's proven himself to be of high moral character, someone who you yourself feels is worthy. So worthy, in fact, you let him sit in our pew at church. MRS. KIM: Who – who did I let sit in our pew? LANE: Dave Rygalski. MRS. KIM: The guitar player? LANE: I know, crazy, right? I can hardly believe it myself because, to be quite honest with you, when I first met him, when you hired him to play at Thanksgiving, well, I just didn't like him at all. He bugged me, actually. But the more you liked him and trusted him, the more I saw the good in him, the God in him, actually, and now I'm convinced. . . he's the boy I want to take me to prom. MRS. KIM: He's not Korean. [cut to front hallway] DAVE: Lane? Hey, Lane? Is everything all right? LANE: You're not Korean. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory walks through the front door] RORY: I'm home! LORELAI: [from upstairs] Upstairs, bathroom! CUT TO UPSTAIRS BATHROOM [Lorelai is watching a fish swim in the bath tub; Rory walks in] RORY: Hey. [sees the fish] Oh, no. LORELAI: Isn't she cute? RORY: What happened? LORELAI: The cork fell off my hook and Jayne Mansfield over here bit. RORY: Jayne Mansfield. LORELAI: Not the brightest fish in the pond, but she's awfully pretty. RORY: You caught a fish. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: And you brought it home. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: How are you gonna take a bath? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: How long is it gonna live? LORELAI: Hard to say. RORY: What are you gonna feed it? LORELAI: See, this is why I don't fish. RORY: She is kinda cute. LORELAI: And she has a great tail swish. RORY: So, other than bringing home a pet, how was fishing? LORELAI: Good. The lake was beautiful, snowy and sparkly, and right down the road from the Shahaela Lodge and Spa. RORY: I knew that. LORELAI: How could you already know that? RORY: Alex told me when you guys left. LORELAI: Two dates with this guy and you're already in cahoots with each other. RORY: Ah, what can I say? I'm wily. LORELAI: Uh huh. RORY: So, are you going out with him again? LORELAI: Uh huh. RORY: Camping? LORELAI: Unh unh. RORY: Good. So do you think maybe we should try to rehabilitate her and send her back into the wild? LORELAI: Unfortunately, I think she's already domesticated. Baths and scented candles. RORY: We'll just have to keep her. LORELAI: Maybe we can train her to do tricks. RORY: Tomorrow. Night Jayne. LORELAI: Night Jayne.
Plan: A: Luke; Q: Who offers to teach Lorelai the fine art of angling? A: Nicole; Q: Who is Taylor's attorney? A: the paperwork; Q: What does Nicole oversee for the construction of the new soda shop? A: the attractive redhead; Q: Who does Luke meet that changes his mind about having Nicole oversee the paperwork for the soda shop? A: Lane's clever scheme; Q: What backfires when Lane tries to get her mother's permission to attend the prom? A: Alex; Q: Who invites Lorelai to go fishing? A: their garage; Q: What do Rory and Lorelai clear out for Lane's band? A: Lane's band; Q: Who does Lorelai gain a new admirer from? A: their lives; Q: Lane and Rory have some heart-to-hearts about the men in what? A: Paris; Q: Who calls for Rory's impeachment by the student council? A: a swift end; Q: What does Headmaster Charleston do to bring Paris's conflict with Rory to? A: Headmaster Charleston; Q: Who threatens to revoke the letters he wrote to Harvard for Rory and Paris? Summary: Luke is opposed to having Taylor's attorney Nicole oversee the paperwork for the construction of the new soda shop until he meets the attractive redhead, who takes as immediate a shine to Luke as he does to her; Lane's clever scheme to get her mother's permission to attend the prom horribly backfires; Luke offers to teach Lorelai the fine art of angling after Alex invites her to go fishing; Rory and Lorelai clear out their garage for Lane's band and Lorelai gains a new admirer from the band; Lane and Rory have some hearts-to-hearts about the men in their lives; Paris's ratcheting up the conflict between her and Rory when she calls for Rory's impeachment by the student council is brought to a swift end by Headmaster Charleston, who threatens to revoke the glowing letters he wrote to Harvard for each of them.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige is at the Book of Shadows writing something down. Kyle knocks at the door and walks in.] Kyle: Hey. I let myself in, if that's okay? Paige: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Sure. (She walks over to him.) Of course. Hey. (She gives him a quick kiss.) Kyle: Hey. Paige: How are you? (She walks over to the potion table.) Kyle: So, uh, what's going on here? Paige: Just scrambling. We've been on quite a roll knocking off these demons, thanks to the Avatars. Kyle: The Avatars. Paige: Yeah. They've been great helping us find these demons. Can't pick 'em off fast enough. Kyle: I guess that's why you haven't returned any of my phone calls? Paige: I'm sorry, I just assumed that you knew. Kyle: Knew what? Paige: Well, that I was helping them. Kyle: Creating Utopia. Right. Paige: Is that a bad thing? (He gives her a look.) Look, I thought when we figured out they didn't kill your parents... Kyle: Look, it still doesn't mean they're still not a threat, Paige. Paige: Come on. Kyle: It doesn't change the ten years I spent learning who they really are, or why people fought them off for thousands of years before us. Paige: Haven't we been over this? Kyle: Obviously not enough. Paige: Actually, you know what, Kyle? I think we have. I'm sorry that you don't or won't understand. But my sisters and I, we actually do. Everything... Everything the Avatars have said or done has been totally legit. They didn't force this on us. It's something we really want for everybody. Kyle: All right. All right. So how's this gonna happen? The change, I mean. Paige: Well, they, uh... They're gonna help us write a spell. Kyle: What kind of spell? Paige: I don't know yet. Kyle: You don't know? They're getting you to remake the freakin' world and you don't know? Paige: I've been a little busy. Kyle: Well, it's kind of a fundamental question to ask, don't you think? Paige: I think it's more important to get rid of as many demons as possible. Kyle: Well, did you at least check with the Elders? Paige: No. I don't think they would understand. (She kisses him.) If you'll excuse me, I have one more demon to go after. Okay? (She orbs out. Kyle starts flipping through the Book of Shadows.) Kyle: Come on. Elders, Elders, Elders. (He finds the page on Elders in the Book. He closes his eyes.) I beg you, if you can hear me. I can help you stop the Avatars. I still have a vanquishing potion. (Suddenly, he gets sucked into the floor and appears in Zankou's cave.) Are you an Elder? Zankou: Hardly. Opening Credits [Scene: Zankou's Cave. Continued from before.] Zankou: You said something about a vanquishing potion. Kyle: How'd you know about that? Zankou: That's why I needed to bring you down here. Laygan: We intercepted your little cry for help. (Zankou gives him a look.) Sorry, Zankou. Zankou: About the potion... Kyle: Yeah. Look, it won't, it won't kill you. Not unless you're an Avatar. Zankou: Which is exactly why I want it. See, you and I have a lot in common. We both wish to stop what they're trying to do. We both desire to keep things as they are, yes? In order to do that, we're going to have to work together. With the Avatars' help, the Charmed Ones are decimating our ranks. We must stop them before they find us too. Kyle: I'm not helping you hurt the sisters. Zankou: I don't wanna harm them. Laygan: At least not yet. I mean, uh, we need them to help stop the Avatars, right? Zankou: Remind me why I tolerate you again? Laygan: Because you're running low on demons? Kyle: Look, I don't know what you guys are getting at, but you got the wrong idea here. I'm not gonna help you. I can't. I won't. I mean, you're demons. Zankou: Yes. Yes we are. Which makes us, for better or worse, fundamental to the Grand Design. It keeps things in balance. It gives the necessary contrast to all that you covet, to all that is good. And therein lies our mutual problem. You see, without the one, there can't be the other. Without evil, there can be no good. That is why I think you want to stop the Avatars just as much as I do. Kyle: Okay. How? Zankou: Your potion can kill one of them, which might just weaken the rest enough for us to kill them. The problem is the Avatars have insulated themselves now. Only the sisters can get to them, and only you can reach the sisters. Kyle: I'm not going after Leo again. Paige'll kill me. Zankou: He's not the only Avatar. Kyle: Still, they're never gonna let me use the potion on any of them. Laygan: Well, we can help that. Zankou: If we work together. Kyle: I can't. (Zankou walks over to him.) Zankou: You will. (Zankou flames out.) [Scene: Magic School. Paige, Alpha and Gamma are there. Paige is sitting at a desk. Gamma carries a book over to her.] Gamma: The problem is his powers go beyond the physical. Zankou has the gift of prescience as well. He anticipates where we'll be looking for him next. Paige: Yeah, but on the other hand, we've already got most of the high-level demons. Isn't that enough? Alpha: No. We shouldn't go through with this until we can find him. Gamma: Although we might not have a choice. The planetary alignment is correct for the change. The longer we wait... Alpha: We still have time. We must keep looking. Paige: Why? You said yourself we're not going to be able to knock off all of the demons beforehand. There will be others. Alpha: But Zankou poses a unique threat. One that could bring enough conflict into Utopia to undermine it. And he's determined to do everything in his power to stop us. Paige: He's not the only one. Um, just out of curiosity, the spell that we're gonna cast, what exactly does it do? Unless, they don't want us to know. Gamma: We have nothing to hide, Paige. Paige: Then I'm all ears. Alpha: The spell will put everyone to sleep. But only for a few hours. Just long enough to erase the mindset of duality. Of good and evil. Gamma: To allow the original design, that which every human being has imprinted in their hearts, to take hold. Alpha: Utopia. Paige: So we go to sleep too? Phoebe's Voice: Hello? Anybody home? (Paige walks into the hall. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there.) Paige: Yeah, it's about time. Phoebe: We weren't gone that long. Besides, we must have vanquished, like, what, six or seven upper-level demons. Piper: And a bunch of other disgusting things. (Piper wipes some green goo off her body.) Leo: Grimlock eggs. Piper: Disgusting! Phoebe: Doesn't matter, 'cause after tomorrow, we won't have to do this anymore. We're done. Alpha: We still have to find Zankou first. Leo: What if we can't? Paige: Then we, unlike the rest of the world, will not be taking a catnap. Piper: Catnap? What do you mean? Paige: A little something they neglected to tell us. Alpha: It's just the mechanics of how the spell works. To put people to sleep so that the transformation can occur. Paige: Well, I for one, am damn well not going to be taking a nap. Phoebe: Paige, what's going on? Paige: I wanna make sure we've really thought this out. Piper: Well, we've had this conversation about a dozen times. I mean, there's only so much we can know, the rest is a leap of faith. One I thought we were all ready for. Alpha: If it helps, Paige, we never intended that you or your sisters would join the others until much later. Paige: Why? Leo: Because there'll still be straggler demons. The ones that live and walk among us. Gamma: Ones you'll nevertheless need to vanquish though, so that conflict doesn't seep back in. Phoebe: So we still have to fight demons? Gamma: They'll be easy to spot while others are asleep, because they won't be. Alpha: But it shouldn't take long. And it will be up to you to decide when you're ready to make the change. Phoebe: (to Paige) You okay with that? Paige: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Leo: What about Zankou? Piper: I think I know how to find him. Phoebe: (to Leo) Will you give me a lift home? I wanna make sure I get my last column in. Paige: Last column? Phoebe: Well, yeah. How much advice can a world with no conflict need? I may be out of a job. Paige: You okay with that? Phoebe: I've got better things to look forward to. (Leo orbs out with Phoebe.) [Scene: Zankou's Cave. Three demons smoke in.] Demon #1: What are we doing here? Kyle: Murderers! (Kyle runs over and grabs one of the demons.) Demon #1: Let go of me! Let go! Demon #2: What is this? Demon #1: This is his revenge. (Demon #1 morphs into Zankou.) Demon #2: Zankou. (Zankou throws fireballs at the demons and vanquishes them.) Zankou: They were the ones who killed your parents, weren't they? The ones who really did it? You owe me for doing something you could not have done without me. And you will repay me by doing something I can't do without you. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe is in her office throwing letters in the trash. Elise walks in.] Elise: Are you leaving us? Phoebe: I'm sorry? Elise: (reads from a clipboard) "The grass is greener." Kind of a goodbye column, isn't it? Phoebe: No, not necessarily. Elise: Phoebe, I've been doing this a long time. I know how to read between the lines. Come on, talk to me. Phoebe: It's just that things change. You know what I mean? Life changes. Elise: Don't you like your job anymore? Phoebe: Of course I do, Elise. I love my job. You know that. Elise: But? Phoebe: But like I said, things change. For the better though, you'll see. Elise: No, I don't understand. Phoebe: Um, okay. Have you ever gone through a period in your life where all you can think about, all you wanna do, is just get away from it? Elise: When I was married to my ex, James L. Connors. What a schmuck. Phoebe: Okay. And you were able to move on from him, right? Rebuild your life. Even though, at the time, you probably thought you couldn't. Elise: Yeah. Phoebe: Well, it's the same thing. That's what I'm talking about. One door closes and another one opens. Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith. Elise: Phoebe, I don't... Phoebe: I promise you, Elise, this is gonna be great for everyone. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. Elise: Do what? Phoebe: I gotta go. Elise: No. Wait! But you... (Phoebe hugs her.) Phoebe: Thank you, Elise. Thank you for everything you've done for me. (She walks out of her office.) Goodbye, all of my dear, beautiful friends. I will see you tomorrow when a bright new sunshiny day begins. Michelle, you are the best. Donald. Donald, I gotta tell you, you... you are the man. Greg. I've... Well, we never really liked each other, did we? (Greg shakes his head.) Oh, well, that'll all change. Until tomorrow, everyone! Ta-ta! (She leaves.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are there. Piper is looking at the Book of Shadows. Paige is sitting on the couch.] Piper: I was thinking if we adjust the tracking spell we used to find the Source, it might work on Zankou, considering they were working so closely. Paige? Are you listening? Paige: Yeah, that sounds great. Piper: Well, it would if you were listening to me. (Paige gets up.) Paige: I'm sorry, it's just a... big change. Piper: I know. And, you know, it's okay to be scared. I'm a little antsy, Phoebe's nostalgic and you're scared. That's how we do things. Paige: No, I'm not scared. Fine, maybe a little. Piper: Okay, why? Paige: Well, because Kyle still thinks the Avatars are a threat. And he's asking some pretty damn good questions. Piper: And you trust him, so you trust those questions. Paige: Exactly. Piper: Okay, I admit I've asked myself those same questions about a hundred times. But we have the answers now. We're not going in blind. Paige: What are we going into? Piper: Apparently, what we've always wanted. For the past seven years we've been saving the world, being told that it's our destiny. Maybe this is part of our destiny. Paige: Bringing in Utopia. Piper: Putting an end to all this good versus evil crap. I, for one, am tired of sleeping with one eye open, wondering which demon is gonna finally get me. Or one of my sons. Paige: I've wondered the same thing. Piper: Well, you shouldn't have to. And neither should Phoebe. Paige: It's just Kyle, he has good evidence. And his hunches have been right so far. Piper: Okay, but all of these hunches are based on a myopic point of view. He's been trying to get even with these people his entire life. The fact that they're innocent is besides the point, as far as he's concerned. Paige: I know. Piper: We deserve this opportunity, Paige. We've earned it. Now let's go find Zankou. [Scene: Zankou's Cave. Zankou and Kyle are there. Zankou picks up a small box.] Zankou: You must be very careful with this. Use it only exactly as I say. Kyle: What is it? (He takes a crystal out of the box.) Zankou: Put simply, paranoia. A sorcerer once brought down an entire empire with this. Just by touching a little witch. It spread, of course, as paranoia is wont to do. And I'm betting it will do the same to the sisters. Kyle: No, I told you, I won't harm them. Zankou: I'm not asking you to. I just want you to make them a little... scared, uncertain. Laygan: Delusional. Zankou: Only long enough for the Avatars to be concerned that something is not right. Draw them out into the open. Kyle: So I can use the potion. Zankou: Precisely. Don't worry, you'll be immune to its effects since you're not a witch. Kyle: How do I know that you're not gonna try and harm them? (They hear a scream and an explosion.) [Cut to another section of the cave. Piper and Paige are vanquishing demons.] Paige: Fireball! [Cut to Zankou's Cave.] Zankou: Go! (The demons smoke out.) Take it. It's our last hope. Hurry! (Kyle takes the crystal.) Kyle: How do I reverse its effects? Zankou: I'll be in touch. (Zankou hits Kyle and he slams into the wall. Kyle groans. His shoulder's bleeding.) You're gonna need an alibi. (Piper and Paige walk in. Zankou flames out.) Piper: Damn! Paige: Kyle? (They rush over to him and help him up.) Kyle: I'm all right. I'm all right. Piper: Great. Then maybe you can start explaining what you're doing down here. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Paige, Leo and Kyle are there. Leo is healing Kyle's shoulder.] Paige: What's taking so long? Leo: He's resisting. Kyle: Can you blame me? Piper: He's not the one we just found in a demon cave. Kyle: You think I wanted to be there? Piper: You wanna stop the Avatars, and Zankou wants to stop the Avatars. So you see the connection there? Paige: Piper, you can't be serious. Piper: I'm just saying, I'd like to know. Kyle: He kidnapped me. Leo: Why? Kyle: Because he thinks I can help kill you, that's why. Piper: Don't you mean kill an Avatar? Kyle: Same difference. Paige: Okay, what I don't understand is why he would think that you still had a potion? Kyle: I don't know, you should ask him. Paige: All right, I will. Piper: Well, Zankou's not gonna still be there, he's on the run. Paige: So? We found him once before. I can do it again. I'm not just gonna sit around and wait for him to attack Kyle. Leo: You wanna protect him? Help the Avatars bring Utopia so Zankou can't stop it. Piper: He's right, you know. Kyle: You don't have to do that. Use me as bait. Wait till he attacks again. Paige: No, what if we're too late next time? Kyle: Well, so you are, I mean... You don't have to change the whole world just to save me. Paige: Don't we? Look, every demon that tries to stop us makes me just want to get through it faster. Let's just... do this. Kyle: Paige, look, I don't... Paige: No, my mind is made up. Besides, I think it's for the best. Piper: Tell them we're ready. (Leo orbs out.) Uh, I'll go see where Phoebe is. (Piper leaves the attic.) Kyle: I can't let you do this. Paige: You don't have a choice, honey. Besides, how bad can a place called Utopia be? (Paige starts to leave.) Kyle: Wait. (The crystal in his hand glows.) I'm sorry. (He kisses her and their lips spark.) Paige: Mm. What was that? Kyle: What? Paige: You didn't feel that? Kyle: No, it must have been static electricity. Don't be so paranoid. Paige: Okay. [Scene: Kyle's Apartment. Kyle walks in. He goes to the fridge and Zankou walks out of a room.] Kyle: Oh, god! Zankou: So... How did it go? Kyle: This better work. Zankou: I agree, for both our sakes. I see the Avatar's healed your wound. Too bad you didn't use the potion on him right there and then. None of this would have been necessary. Kyle: How do I reverse the paranoia? Zankou: Patience. All in good time. Kyle: Look, I held up my end of the deal. Zankou: As have I. You know, the problem with you humans is your conscience. You're all always so conflicted. Demons, on the other hand, don't have such weakness. Kyle: It's not weakness. It's how we stay honest. It's what helps us choose between good and you. Zankou: It also messes with your head. As it is clearly doing right now. Working with evil... to preserve good. It would give me a headache. Kyle: What do you want? What are you doing here? Zankou: I want the potion. Kyle: Well, I'm not giving it to you. I'm not gonna use it either. Not until I know the sisters are safe. Zankou: Which won't be for a while, I'm afraid. Not until the full effects of the paranoia take hold. To that end, I suggest you come with me. Kyle: Why? Zankou: We wouldn't want you falling asleep with everyone else, now would we? No. You are going to be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. (Zankou flames out with Kyle.) [Scene: Magic School. Paige is there putting books on the shelves. Piper walks in.] Piper: Uh, hello? What are you doing? Paige: You know, just trying to organise some books. Just in case. Piper: Now? Everybody's waiting for you. Paige: Yeah, but I might not have a chance to do this afterwards. Piper: Uh, to do what? Paige: These are books on demons. We might not need them if there are no demons. What if they come back? Then we'll have to have them again. I better put them all back. Piper: Uh, sweetie, you don't really seem like yourself. Paige: I don't? Who am I? Piper: No, I mean... You're stalling. You know what, it's okay. We know what we're doing. We're ready for this. Paige: You sure? What if something goes wrong? Piper: Well, then we'll fix it like we always do. Come on. (Piper touches Paige's arm and gets zapped.) Ah! What was that? Paige: What was what? Piper: That! Paige: Well, I don't know. Why don't you tell me? Piper: Come on, everybody's waiting. Paige: Everybody. (They walk into another room.) Phoebe: Hey, I was just looking for you guys. Piper: Why, what's wrong? Phoebe: Nothing's wrong. I just wanna know what happened. Paige: Nothing happened. I think that's the problem. Phoebe: What? Are you feeling okay? (Phoebe touches Paige's forehead and gets zapped.) Oh! What was that? Paige: See? Piper: See what? (Piper looks around.) Leo: (to the Avatars) Guys... do you mind? Alpha: Are you ready? Phoebe: Yeah, I think so. Paige: Is there something that we should know that we don't know? You know? Alpha: No, Paige. Piper: Wait. We forgot about Zankou. What if he attacks? Phoebe: That's true. What if he does attack? Paige: Maybe we shouldn't do this. Leo: Okay, what is wrong with you guys? We discussed this. Gamma: You'll still have your powers afterwards. If Zankou attacks, you'll be prepared. Alpha: In fact, he'll be more exposed than ever. Especially as you continue to thin out the demonic ranks. Phoebe: How do we know you're not lying to us? Leo: Okay, let's... Let's do this. Alpha: Very well. (Alpha waves his hand and Beta appears.) Piper: Whoa! Where'd you come from? Leo: They're a little nervous. Beta: I understand. Place your hands on the cartouche. It's okay. (Piper, Phoebe and Paige hold the cartouche. The Avatars and Leo stand around the girls with their arms out, forming a circle. They close their eyes. The cartouche glows and lets out a orange/yellow beam of light.) [Cut to outside. The entire world falls asleep.] [Cut to Magic School. The cartouche stops glowing.] Alpha: It has begun. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: On the Street. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Beta look around at the sleeping people.] Phoebe: I mean, is everyone okay? You sure nobody's hurt? Beta: The effect was gradual. They all fell asleep gently and safely. Piper: How do you know that for sure? Beta: Do you see anybody who's been harmed in any way? Piper: Well, that doesn't rule out internal injuries. Leo: Piper. Piper: What? Paige: So everybody's like this everywhere all around the world? Beta: All around the world. Phoebe: What about the aeroplanes and helicopters? How do we know they landed safely? Leo: Look, I'm sure the Avatars took care of that. Relax. What's gotten into you guys? Phoebe: Well, I think we have a right to be jumpy with everything that's going on, don't you think? Beta: Perhaps it would help to focus on the straggler demons. They hide amongst your kind. Which means if there are any nearby, they're only pretending to be asleep. Phoebe: I shoulda known. Piper: Why don't they just leave? Beta: Because they've got no place else left to go. Paige: Uh, over there, he moved. Phoebe: What? What? Where? Which one? Paige: That one in the bad suit. (Phoebe goes to throw a potion.) Beta: Oh, you must be certain. Phoebe: Okay. Go be certain. (Paige walks over to the man in the suit and nudges him. Nothing happens. Paige starts to walk away and the man gets up.) Leo: Paige, look out! (The man throws a fireball and Piper blows him up.) Paige: Well, at least I know I'm not paranoid. Leo: All right, so how long until the transformation is complete? Beta: Two hours. Which means we should get back until it's safe. Leo: Well, I'm not leaving them here alone. Don't worry, Beta, I'll be fine. (Beta disappears.) All right, let's split up. We'll find more demons that way. Piper, Paige, Phoebe and me. Any sign of trouble, orb back to the manor. Got it? Paige: Got it. (Phoebe and Leo walk off.) Piper: Why do you think he didn't wanna go with me? Do you think he's seeing someone else? Paige: Come on! Piper: What? [Scene: Zankou's Cave. Zankou, Kyle and a bunch of demons are there.] Kyle: I don't understand, what are we waiting for? (The vanquished demon appears engulfed in flames. Zankou freezes him.) Zankou: That... is what we're waiting for. Your death will not have been in vain, my friend. I promise you. (Zankou waves his hands and the demon disappears.) Kyle: What the hell was that all about? Zankou: He saw what I needed to see. Now I know which Avatar we'll be flushing out, and you'll be killing. Kyle: What? How? Zankou: I'm gonna need a volunteer. Laygan: Does it have to be me? Zankou: No. Laygan: Oh, good. I'll get right on it. Kyle: I don't like this. I don't like being kept in the dark about what's going on. Zankou: What are you gonna do? Kyle: Not kill an Avatar, for one. Zankou: Then you'll die. Kyle: Yeah, well, better me than the sisters, right? Zankou: How many times do I tell you, I'm not after them. Kyle: Then why won't you tell me what I'm doing down here? Zankou: That's what you get when you make a deal with the devil. Kyle: I'm not doing anything until I know the sisters are all right. Zankou: They're still alive, if that's what you mean, their paranoia growing. Kyle: What are we waiting for? Zankou: The opportune time to show yourself... (Zankou touches Kyle's shoulder and flames out with him.) [Cut to Kyle's Apartment. They flame in.] Zankou: Which nears. Kyle: When? Zankou: When I send one of the sisters to you here. The one you care so much about. Kyle: How does that flush out the Avatars? Zankou: Just say they wanted you to stay awake. Tell her it was the female Avatar, Beta. Your girlfriend will get so paranoid she'll demand an explanation. When the Avatar shows up to give her one, that's when you strike with the potion. Don't miss. You won't get a second chance. Kyle: First, how do I reverse the paranoia? (Zankou laughs.) Zankou: You are persistent, aren't you? Very well. You break the crystal. The sisters will revert immediately. Kyle: That's it? Zankou: That's it. Kyle: So why didn't you tell me this before? Zankou: Same reason you didn't tell me where the potion was. Leverage. Remember... don't miss. (Zankou flames out. Kyle picks up a snow globe and shakes it.) [Scene: Street. Phoebe and Leo are looking for straggler demons.] Leo: Phoebe, are you sure you're all right? Phoebe: Yeah, I'm fine. I just... I have a bad feeling about this. Leo: You've had a bad feeling about everything. Phoebe: Yeah, but I have a really bad feeling about this. You sure we're not being set up? Leo: Phoebe, not this again. Phoebe: I'm serious. What if the Avatars are like the Trojan horse? Remember the Trojan horse? Leo: Phoebe... Phoebe: They come into your life pretending to be the gift, but what they really want to do is kill you. Leo: This really isn't like you. Phoebe: Leo. Listen to me, okay? It's the ultimate conspiracy. Think about if for... (She hears a noise.) What was that? Leo: It was nothing. Look, you need to calm down. Phoebe: I am very calm, okay? I just can't help what I'm feeling, and what I'm feeling right now is... Demons! (Two demons stand up and throw energy balls at Leo. Phoebe hides. They shimmer out. Phoebe comes out of her hiding place.) I'm sorry. I'm sorry, again. Leo: Why did you run? Phoebe: I don't know. Leo: Something's wrong, I'm getting you out of here. (Leo orbs out with Phoebe.) [Scene: Alley. Piper and Paige are there.] Paige: I haven't seen any demons for a while. Piper: Do you think that means something? Paige: I don't know. You? Piper: I don't know. Paige: Why are you stopping? What do you see? Piper: Nothing. Shh. Relax. Paige: What if they get us? Piper: Who is "they"? Paige: They. They as in them, the ones who are always trying to get us. Piper: Shh! You're making me crazy. Paige: You're making me crazy. Piper: What is wrong with us? (Beta appears and scares Piper. Piper tries to blow her up and Beta falls backwards onto the ground. Beta gets up, not impressed.) Oh, sorry. Paige: You okay? Beta: Yes. But I'm afraid that your friend may not be. Kyle? Paige: What's wrong with him? Beta: We don't know. All we know is that he didn't fall asleep like everyone else did. Piper: What does that mean? Beta: That means that Zankou must have gotten to him again. Shielded him from us. Piper: But why? Paige: Because he thinks he still has the potion. I should never have left him alone. (Paige orbs out.) Piper: Hey! You can't leave me here alone! (A demon shimmers in.) Beta: Demon. Piper: What? Where? Beta: Go, get him! (The demon runs away and Piper runs after him. Beta morphs into Zankou. He smiles.) [Cut to Kyle's Apartment. Paige orbs in.] Paige: Kyle? Are you here? (Kyle walks out of the bedroom.) Kyle: Yeah. I'm right here. Paige: You okay? Did he hurt you? Kyle: Did who hurt me? Paige: Zankou. Come on, we have to get you out of here. Kyle: Wait. Why? Paige: Because he thinks you have the potion. He'll kill you. Kyle: Don't you think he would have killed me by now? Paige: Well, that's why he's keeping you awake. Because he thinks you still have it. Kyle: He's not the one keeping me awake, Paige. It's the Avatars. It's Beta. Paige: Okay, but she said Zankou did it. Kyle: Maybe you ought to call her here. Paige: Beta! (Beta appears.) Beta: What's the matter? Why isn't he asleep? Paige: You told me Zankou did it. Beta: I did not. Paige: Yes, you did. What the hell is going on? (Kyle throws the crystal on the floor and it smashes.) What was that? Kyle: I wanted to make sure you were back to normal before I... Paige: Before what? (Kyle takes out the Avatar vanquishing potion. Beta sees it and zaps Kyle with bolts of electricity. Kyle is thrown backwards and drops the vial. The vial releases a grey smoke and it enters Beta's body. She falls to the floor. Paige goes to Kyle and starts to cry.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Kyle's Apartment. Continued from before. Kyle is barely conscious.] Kyle: Please don't hate me. Paige: I don't hate you. Of course I don't hate you. Kyle: I didn't want it to end like this. Paige: It's not gonna end this way. I promise. I'm gonna call for help... Kyle: No. You can't call for Leo. Paige: Why? Kyle: Because he's vulnerable. They all are. Zankou will kill them. Paige: Why did you do this? Kyle: To stop them. Paige: Leo! (Alpha and Gamma appear.) Alpha: He can't hear you, Paige. He's been affected by what's happened. We all have. Paige: Can't you just rewind time? Just go back and fix it? Alpha: I'm sorry, Paige. We've come too far to go back now. Paige: But he's dying. Alpha: Yes, and he's weakened the collective. Risked losing all we've worked to create. Gamma: The demon will try to take advantage of this to stop us. Alpha: He won't be able to if we consolidate power. Complete the transformation. Paige: What the hell are you talking about? What about him? Alpha: The needs of the one... must be sacrificed for the good of the many. You'll understand soon. Paige: I did not sign up for this experiment so you could play God! So, you fix this right now! Gamma: He's dead. (Paige lays next to Kyle.) Paige: Please don't go. Gamma: We must move quickly. We can't fight both them and the demon. Alpha: What about Leo? Gamma: He's one of us now. He'll understand. (Their eyes glow yellow.) Paige: (crying) Please... Please. (She falls asleep.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Leo are there.] Phoebe: I don't get it. I don't know what happened. I mean, one minute I feel like everyone's after me, and then the next minute I feel perfectly fine. Leo: Yeah, I don't. Phoebe: What's the matter? What are you feeling? Leo: I don't know. All of a sudden I feel weaker. Phoebe: Well, maybe you should sit... down. (Phoebe falls asleep.) Leo: Phoebe? Phoebe. Phoebe, can you hear me? Wake up. Piper. [Cut to an Alley. Piper is asleep on the ground. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Piper. Piper! (He runs over to her.) Piper. (Alpha and Gamma appear.) Alpha: She's just sleeping, Leo. She'll be fine. They'll all be fine. Leo: What have you done to her? Alpha: The same thing that's been done to everyone else. Leo: They weren't supposed to turn yet. Not until they were ready. Gamma: We had no choice. Leo: What do you mean you didn't have a choice? You can't do this. Gamma: Beta's dead, Leo. Leo: What? Alpha: It's why you feel less powerful. Why we all do. Leo: But how did...? Alpha: It seems that Agent Brody had another potion, after all. One that both he and Zankou hoped to bring down Utopia with, before it even began. Gamma: But we can't let that happen. The sooner we complete the transformation, the less chance he has of succeeding. Alpha: Which is why we need the power of the Charmed Ones with us. Now more than ever. I'm sure you understand. Leo: But we were supposed to talk to them first. Alpha: Ideally, yes. But Paige was inconsolable. Agent Brody is dead as well. We must press on, Leo. Now, or Zankou will win. All that we've done will have been for naught. We can still give them the world they've always wanted, Leo. The happiness they've never known. The happiness you've never known. But we must move quickly. And as one. Leo: I just... I don't see how Paige is gonna be happy after what happened. Gamma: She'll understand. Alpha: Everyone will understand, that those who bring conflict into the world cannot be tolerated. [Cut to outside. Everyone on the street wakes up. They are all cheery and happy. A man wipes up his spilt coffee.] Man #1: Hey, I'm sorry. This is my fault. Woman: Forget it. No big deal. Man #1: You sure? Woman: Absolutely. Man #1: I'm so embarrassed. [Cut to two men in their cars. One man has run into the back of the other car. They get out to inspect the damage.] Man #2: I am so sorry. I don't know what happened. Man #3: Have you got insurance? Man #2: Yeah. Man #3: Then don't worry about it. Man #2: Thanks. (They shake hands.) [Scene: Underworld. Zankou's Cave. Zankou and Laygan are there. Zankou is meditating.] Laygan: Well? Zankou: Utopia has begun. Laygan: What's that mean? We're screwed? Zankou: The Avatars have turned on the witches sooner than I anticipated. We can't change things back without their help. Laygan: Then we've gotta get out of here. They'll be coming for us too. Zankou: No, we have time. Laygan: How do you figure? It's over, Zankou. We don't stand a chance in this new world. Zankou: Still, we planted a seed. Let's see if it sprouts. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Leo orbs in with Piper.] Piper: I don't know what you're so worried about. It's all good, as far as I'm concerned. Leo: Yeah, but they were supposed to wait until you were ready. Piper: Well, as you know, I've been more than ready for this for a long time. (Phoebe comes down the stairs.) Phoebe: Hey. I feel great. Don't you guys feel great? Piper: Yeah, pretty amazing. Phoebe: It's so weird, I remember the old way. You know, the demon battling and everything, but I'm just not stressed about it anymore. Piper: Yeah, that's because we don't have to worry about demons anymore, which leaves us a little time to live a little. Where are the boys? Leo: Magic School. Are you sure you're okay with this? Phoebe: Leo, of course, are you kidding? How could we not be? (Paige orbs in.) Paige: Hi. Piper: Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: Me too. (Piper and Phoebe go over to her and put their arms around her.) How you doing? You hanging in there? Paige: Yeah. Yeah, I'm holding up. It's, um... pretty damn sad. But he's going on to a better place, right? I'm gonna go upstairs and rest. (Paige goes upstairs and Piper and Phoebe follow.)
Plan: A: the Avatars; Q: Who is preparing to transform the world into a Utopia? A: overtime; Q: How long do the Charmed Ones work to eliminate demons? A: Kyle; Q: Who is kidnapped by Zankou? A: quarrels; Q: What does Kyle do with Paige? A: the human world; Q: What must be put to sleep so that the Charmed Ones can kill any remaining demons? A: sleep; Q: What spell do the Avatars use to keep the Charmed Ones from interfering with the transformation? A: his parents; Q: Who did the Avatars not murder? A: their good intentions; Q: What does Kyle doubt about the Avatars? A: the Elders; Q: Who did Kyle call for help? A: a paranoia spell; Q: What does Zankou place on Piper, Phoebe and Paige? A: Utopian; Q: What is the world being transformed into? A: Paige's paranoia; Q: What does Kyle use to lure and kill an Avatar? A: his actions; Q: What does Kyle pay a high price for? A: Beta; Q: Who kills Kyle? Summary: While the Avatars prepare to transform the world into a Utopia, the Charmed Ones work overtime eliminating demons as part of the alliance. Kyle remains skeptical and quarrels with Paige stimulating questions in which they inform the Charmed Ones that the human world must be put to sleep so that they can kill any remaining demons. Although Kyle now knows the Avatars didn't murder his parents, he still doubts their good intentions. He calls the Elders for help but is instead kidnapped by Zankou. In order to convince Kyle to help him stop the Avatars, Zankou summons and vanquishes the demons who murdered Kyle's parents. In return, Kyle reluctantly agrees to help Zankou stop the change by placing a paranoia spell on Piper, Phoebe and Paige. During the Utopian transformation, Kyle uses Paige's paranoia to lure and kill an Avatar. However, he pays a high price for his actions as he's killed by Beta as he kills her. As a result of his death, the Avatars include the Charmed Ones in the sleep spell so they can't interfere.
FRONTIER IN SPACE BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MOON. LUNAR PENAL COLONY. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE AIRLOCK (CROSS turns the dial further. A pressure gauge on the wall starts to rise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. MOON. LUNAR PENAL COLONY. AIRLOCK (Within the airlock, the noise of escaping air gets louder. The DOCTOR crosses to the door and tries to turn an unlocking wheel.) DOCTOR: The door - it's locked! (They hear the escaping air.) DOCTOR: They're depressurising. (DALE hears it too.) PROFESSOR DALE: Listen. DOCTOR: Don't you understand, man! They're pumping out the air! PROFESSOR DALE: Well...we're going to suffocate! DOCTOR: Of course we're not. (He rushes and grabs one of the empty cylinders. He then uses it to try and bring their plight to anyone's attention by banging it against the locked door.) PROFESSOR DALE: That's no good. They...they'll never hear us. DOCTOR: Well, they certainly won't if we don't try. PROFESSOR DALE: (Breathlessly.) Help! Help! Help! DOCTOR: Professor, don't shout! You'll just waste oxygen. (With the air getting thinner, the old PROFESSOR starts to slump on the floor. The DOCTOR gives up his attempt and bends down to help him.) DOCTOR: Come on, Professor, come on. Come on, up you get. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MOON. LUNAR PENAL COLONY. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE AIRLOCK (The gauge outside is almost at the highest level. Beneath it, a black gloved hand reaches out for the air dial and starts to turn it in the other direction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. MOON. LUNAR PENAL COLONY. AIRLOCK (Air starts to rush back into the room as the DOCTOR helps the PROFESSOR up.) DOCTOR: Come on, ... (He hears the incoming air.) DOCTOR: Listen! Listen - it worked! (He helps the struggling PROFESSOR to his feet and waits for the airlock door to open. It does so to admit a surprising figure.) MASTER: I do hope that you're alright, Doctor. (Catching his breath, the DOCTOR nods...) DOCTOR: You. Yes, I might have guessed. MASTER: I'd hate you to come to any harm, you know? [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MOON. LUNAR PENAL COLONY. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The GOVERNOR'S office is as plain and functional as the rest of the prison. The man himself sits behind a report of the incident, with the MASTER, still in his commissioner's uniform, beside him. CROSS, the DOCTOR and DALE stand before the desk, with armed truncheon wielding guards behind them.) DOCTOR: It was a deliberate attempt at cold-blooded murder, Governor. And I demand an enquiry! PRISON GOVERNOR: (Calmly.) You were trying to escape. You've only yourselves to blame for the consequences. DOCTOR: I also believe there was a conspiracy to destroy this man... (He nods at DALE.) DOCTOR: ...because he's politically dangerous to you. PRISON GOVERNOR: (Riled.) How dare you! PROFESSOR DALE: Cross said he would help us to escape, and he left spacesuits for us in the airlock. DOCTOR: With no oxygen in the cylinders. PRISON GOVERNOR: (To CROSS.) Is there any truth in this? CROSS: No, sir. They stole the suits. Must have messed it up and taken ones with empty cylinders. DOCTOR: And I take it we that also locked ourselves in the airlock from the outside and switched off the air supply, mm? MASTER: He does have a point there, you know, Governor? Had it not been for my time... CROSS: (Interrupts.) Maybe another prisoner did it? You know, one who had it in for 'em? PRISON GOVERNOR: You are both guilty of attempting to escape. You'll both be placed in solitary confinement for the next year. MASTER: Er, just a moment, Governor, do what you will with the old man but that one... (He points with his papers at the DOCTOR.) MASTER: ...comes with me. (The GOVERNOR signs his report.) PRISON GOVERNOR: Mmm, out of the question, I'm afraid. He's committed an internal offence and is subject to prison discipline. Take 'em away. (The guards lead the DOCTOR and the PROFESSOR out of the room. CROSS steps forward.) CROSS: Sorry about this, sir. I'll, er, see it doesn't happen again. PRISON GOVERNOR: Yes, it had better not. Alright, you can go. CROSS: Sir. (CROSS leaves.) MASTER: You know, I do wish that you'd reconsider, Governor. Obtaining custody of that prisoner is very important to me. And I do have a warrant. (He waves his papers.) PRISON GOVERNOR: Well, it's out of the question, I'm afraid. You see, he's under punishment. When he's completed his solitary confinement, I'll, er, reconsider. MASTER: I see. (The MASTER starts to pace the office, thinking...) MASTER: You know, I have a theory about this incident. PRISON GOVERNOR: It's no concern of yours. MASTER: I think that those two prisoners were telling the truth. I think that your trusty, Cross, was helping them. PRISON GOVERNOR: Why should he do that? MASTER: On your instructions. PRISON GOVERNOR: (Angrily.) That is an outrageous suggest... MASTER: (Interrupts.) Oh come, Governor! You rid yourself of a politically dangerous prisoner, and foster the legend that escape is impossible in one go. I must congratulate you. PRISON GOVERNOR: You're being very impermanent! MASTER: Suppose I were to support the Doctor's demand for an official enquiry? Some very awkward questions could be asked? (The GOVERNOR tries not to look nervous as he strokes his beard.) PRISON GOVERNOR: I have nothing to fear. MASTER: Haven't you? Oh come, Governor. Hand the Doctor over to me...and I promise you he'll be no further trouble to you. (The GOVERNOR sits back in his chair and waves his hands.) PRISON GOVERNOR: Well, I've no wish to be uncooperative. What would you do with him? MASTER: Oh, take him back to Sirius 4 and see that he stands trial. (Sighs.) You wouldn't believe the list of crimes he's committed. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. MOON. LUNAR PENAL COLONY. SOLITARY CONFINEMENT CELL (The DOCTOR sits on a narrow bench in his darkened solitary confinement cell. The door hums open and the GOVERNOR and the MASTER enter and stand over him.) PRISON GOVERNOR: I'm releasing you into the custody of this commissioner. He will fly you back to Sirius 4 to stand trial. DOCTOR: And may I ask what I'm supposed to have done there? (The MASTER coughs, opens his papers and starts to read...) MASTER: "Defrauding the Sirius 4 Dominion Bank, evasion of planetary income tax, assault and battery committed upon the person of a Sirius 4 police official, taking a spaceship without authority and piloting the said spaceship without payment of tax and insurance. Landing the said spaceship on an unauthorised area of Sirius 3". Need I go on? DOCTOR: I seem to be quite the master criminal, don't I? (To the GOVERNOR.) You don't mean to say that you really believe all this nonsense, do you, Governor? Whatever credentials he's shown you are forged. MASTER: Oh come, Doctor, you know the game's up. Why not admit defeat? (To the GOVERNOR.) You know, this man always works with an accomplice - a girl. (The DOCTOR looks sharply up at the MASTER.) MASTER: I've got her under lock and key in my ship. (The DOCTOR'S eyes open as he takes in the implied threat. The MASTER looks down at him and smiles.) MASTER: Well, Doctor, are you coming quietly? [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. MOON (The small spaceship that the DOCTOR saw from the airlock is the MASTER'S stolen police ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (Within it, a worried JO sits within a barred cage in the well of a room in the rear of the ship. A raised platform runs round the edge of the room. There are two bunks in the cage with silver blankets on them. The door from the airlock opens and two guards lead the DOCTOR in. He has changed back into his own clothes. The MASTER follows.) DOCTOR: Hello, Jo. JO: Doctor! (The DOCTOR is led round the raised area to where he is next to JO. He leans through the bars.) DOCTOR: How are you - alright? JO: Well... MASTER: (Interrupting.) Right, they'll be plenty of time for the exchange of social pleasantries. Put him inside. (One guard opens the barred door to the cage and the other leads him inside and pulls the door to. It is locked.) MASTER: Thank you, gentlemen. You can leave them to me now. (The two guards leave through the airlock. The MASTER goes up to the bars of the cage. Inside, the DOCTOR and JO sit on their respective bunks.) MASTER: Well, Doctor, this is an interesting reversal. I remember your once visiting me when I was in prison. DOCTOR: You know, I'd very much like to know why...? MASTER: (Interrupts.) Why you've been locked up? DOCTOR: No - why I'm still alive. MASTER: Oh, your health is very precious to me - for the moment. You see, my...my employers are most interested in you. JO: The Ogrons? MASTER: Miss Grant, please! I employ them. DOCTOR: Yes, well whatever it is you're up to, you needn't expect any help from me. MASTER: I don't need any help. Your simple presence will be quite enough. Oh, by the way, I need hardly warn you there is no point in trying to escape. This is an interplanetary police spaceship, specially built for carrying prisoners - as you can see. (He gestures at the cage.) DOCTOR: Er, stolen, of course? MASTER: Oh, of course. Oh, and another thing... (He points at a small camera which hangs down from the ceiling.) MASTER: There's a closed circuit television camera trained on you from up there, so you will be under continuous observation. I think that's all. Well now, if you'll excuse me, I have some rather complicated astro-navigational calculations to work out. (He steps up to the raised platform.) DOCTOR: Er, may I ask where we're going? MASTER: Certainly - to the home of our friends, the Ogrons. A barren and uninteresting planet on the remote fringes of the galaxy. JO: Why are you taking us there? MASTER: That, Miss Grant, you will discover when you arrive. (He walks out of another door heading towards the bridge. The DOCTOR dives over to JO'S bunk and starts to speak urgently.) DOCTOR: Right, now listen to me. We haven't got much time before he gets back to the flight deck. Now, the first thing we've got to do is to escape. Now they took my sonic screwdriver from me in the prison, but they didn't get a hold of this. (From out of the edge of his boot, he pulls out a long flexible steel string.) DOCTOR: A steel file. JO: Right, let's go. DOCTOR: No, not yet. Let's wait until he gets back to the flight deck, then he'll set the controls. Now this is an automatic spaceship. Once we're underway, the computers take over - right? JO: Okay, so what's the plan? DOCTOR: Now this is what we're gonna do... JO: Mmm hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER has changed out of his police commissioner's suit and back into his own normal collarless suit. With a clipboard in his hand he enters the bridge, which closely resembles that of the cargo ship but with one pilot's seat. He adjusts several controls and a picture of the moon appears on of the two monitors. He puts in his co-ordinates and a console read out changes from 46487 to 68110. He straps himself in and switches on the second monitor. It shows the view from the cell area.) MASTER: (Into microphone.) Right, you'd better hold in there, you two. We're about to lift off. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The DOCTOR and JO patiently wait.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. MOON (The rocket's engines fire...) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (...and soon the image of the moon's surface, moving beneath the spaceship, appears on the first monitor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: SPACE (The small spaceship moves out of the moon's orbit and swings into space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER picks up a book and also switches on the intercom from the cell area. The DOCTOR'S conversation to JO comes over.) DOCTOR: (On monitor.) So I told the High Council of the Time Lords. I said they had absolutely no right to put me on trial in the first place. Well, if I chose to go wandering around the universe in my own time, that... [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA DOCTOR: ...was my business. JO: What about stealing the TARDIS? DOCTOR: I didn't steal it. I just borrowed it. I fully intended to return it, I assure you. Anyway, she wasn't exactly the latest model, poor old thing. JO: (Laughs.) You can say that again. DOCTOR: I tell you, I made a complete fool of that prosecuting council, though. I ridiculed his every argument. (What the MASTER doesn't notice is that the DOCTOR, sat on a bunk facing the camera, has his hands behind him, cutting through a metal bracket that forms part of the lock of the cage.) DOCTOR: Yes, and I told him that I had the complete answer to every one his charges against me. JO: And then what happened? DOCTOR: Then what happened - well, they found me guilty, changed my appearance and exiled me to Earth. JO: And that's where you met me! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER holds his book as is making an attempt to read it but cannot help but listen into the conversation...) DOCTOR: (On monitor.) That's right. That's where I met you. And that alone made the exile worth while, Miss Grant. (The MASTER gives a grimace of laughter.) JO: (On monitor.) Thank you! DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Not that there's anything wrong with Earth. Well, it's quite a nice little planet in its own way, but...after all, I am a Time Lord, Jo, and I think I've deserved my freedom. JO: (On monitor.) Right! (The MASTER switches on the microphone.) MASTER: (Into microphone.) In reminiscent mood, are you, Doctor? Poor Miss Grant - you have my deepest sympathy. (He laughs, switches off the microphone and settles back with his book - "THE WAR OF THE WORLDS".) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: SPACE (The police ship shoots through space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The DOCTOR continues to cut through the bracket as he continues his diversionary conversation...) DOCTOR: As I soon realised, the trouble with Lethbridge-Stewart is that he's got a military mind. JO: Well, he is a Brigadier, after all. I mean, what do you expect? DOCTOR: No, that's the trouble though. (Behind him, the file is almost at the top of the piece of metal.) DOCTOR: He's hidebound, you see. He always does everything by the rules. I keep telling him. I said, there are times, you know, when you've simply got to cut right through the red tape. JO: And you managed to do that, have you? DOCTOR: Yes, I've managed to cut... (He manages a last pull and the metal bracket is severed.) DOCTOR: Right through it. (JO smiles.) DOCTOR: And I'm not gonna let authority stand between me and my freedom. (JO gets up and moves to the bars. She sighs.) JO: Lethbridge-Stewart, how mu... Hey! As far as he's concerned... [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (Her movement means that her image effectively takes up all of the camera shot as it appears on the bridge, where the MASTER is absorbed in his book.) JO: (On monitor.) ...I've been absent without leave all this time. I'm always telling you that you've no idea where you're going in... [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA JO: ...that TARDIS of yours. (She talks on as the door to the cage quietly opens...) JO: I mean, you're supposed to be getting me back to Earth - right? And we keep landing up in one terrible situation after the other. (...and closes again now that the DOCTOR is out.) JO: I mean, when I get back, I'll probably be court-martialed, and then I'll be put in a cell again. (The DOCTOR crawls on his hands and knees round the base of the cage.) JO: That's if we do get back, and the way things are going, it doesn't look like it. But if we do get back, I'm telling you one thing, right here and now... (Now out of camera range, the DOCTOR stands and opens a cupboard in the corner of the room which contains a spacesuit and oxygen cylinder. He takes off his jacket.) JO: I'm never going back in that TARDIS with you again. But if we do get back, I really do think you ought to be a bit more reasonable with the Master. (JO has sat back down on one of the bunks, talking to a huddled mass beneath one of the blankets. The DOCTOR starts to divest himself of his boots.) JO: I mean, he keeps offering you a share in the galaxy, or whatever's going on, and you keep refusing him and playing dirty tricks on him. Then, you see, the trouble is with you is, well, you're so stiff-necked. I mean, you've got to realise that this... [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (On the bridge, the MASTER continues with his book.) JO: (On monitor.) ...time, the Master has won. You might as well make the best out of a terrible situation. I mean, look at it now. Here we are... (Distracted by JO'S wittering, and not taking his eye off the page, he reaches for a dial and turns the volume right down and then up slightly in order that the volume is decreased. He continues reading.) JO: (On monitor.) Goodness knows where he's taking us to. I mean, just a few of those Ogrons is bad enough. Can you imagine a whole planet of them? [SCENE_BREAK] 22: SPACE (The policeship continues on its long journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The DOCTOR has now put on all of the spacesuit except the helmet and the oxygen pack.) JO: Still, I suppose I suppose it's all my own fault really. I mean, if I hadn't asked my uncle to pull those strings and get me that job, I'd never have landed up in this mess in the first place. (The DOCTOR points to the camera and indicates to her that she should block it again. She gets up.) JO: You know, some people think that it's very romantic working in intelligence. (She gets up, stands in the camera's field of vision and continues...) JO: Oh, but my goodness, I could tell you it's not. (The DOCTOR meanwhile, holding the helmet and pack, dashes round to the airlock door.) JO: I mean, they that I run around all day with terrific looking James Bond style going to suave dinner parties. (He selects one of the two buttons on the control panel next to the door and pushes it open.) JO: Oh, but I don't, you know. (He waves a goodbye to JO and enters the airlock.) JO: I mean, I dine with the Brigadier and I'm doing the filing at HQ, which is very, very difficult, or else I'm running around making tea and being general dogsbody. I mean, times come really when I'm... [SCENE_BREAK] 24: SPACE (The external airlock door opens and the fully-suited DOCTOR steps out into space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER reads on while JO'S faint voice just reaches him...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: SPACE (The DOCTOR, floating round the edge of the ship, grabs hold of some maintenance hand-holds that form a series of steps.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (A light flashes on a panel marked "COURSE CORRECTION". The MASTER puts down his book and starts to make adjustments. He presses the intercom switch.) MASTER: (Into microphone.) You'd better hold on again, you two in there. Doctor, Miss Grant, I'm going to make rather a sharp course correction. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA MASTER: (OOV: Over intercom.) It'll only last a moment. (JO looks fearful as she knows what this could mean.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: SPACE (The rockets engines fire and the entire structure moves off from the DOCTOR who is left stranded in space. He grasps out ineffectually.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER finishes his correction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: SPACE (The DOCTOR continues to float, just yards from the ship. He reaches out behind him and pulls out his oxygen line. He then turns up the pressure on the pack and uses the forcefully escaping gases from the upheld line to propel him back towards the hull. Once there he, plugs the line back into his suit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The MASTER realises that all is silent in the cell area.) MASTER: (Into microphone.) Is everything alright, Miss Grant? [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (A shocked JO looks up at the camera.) JO: Yes...yes, I'm fine. MASTER: (OOV: Over intercom.) You appear a little distressed? JO: No, I'm...I'm just a bit shaken, that's all. MASTER: (OOV: Over intercom.) Yes, I can quite... [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE MASTER: (Into microphone.) ...understand. And how about you, Doctor? No ill effects, I hope? (There is obviously no reply.) MASTER: (Into microphone.) Doctor, are you alright? JO: (On monitor.) Please don't wake him. He's...he's fast asleep. (The MASTER is instantly suspicious.) MASTER: (Into microphone.) Is he? How very relaxed of him. (He dashes out of his seat and moves to a wall storage cupboard. Taking a blaster out of it, he moves off the bridge.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: SPACE (The DOCTOR resumes his climb up the maintenance steps to the top of the ship. There, he opens a hatchway on the roof and climbs in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (JO resumes her monologue, but her voice is shaky.) JO: You really ought to be more careful, Doctor. I mean, I know there's a lot of...a lot of evil in the universe, but you can't help to put it all right by yourself. (JO doesn't notice as the door from the front of the ship opens and a personification of that evil walks quietly in and watches her.) JO: I mean, one of these days your...your luck will run out and you'll get yourself killed... MASTER: Thank you, Miss Grant, we'll let you know! (She looks up as the MASTER points the gun at her.) MASTER: Where's the Doctor? (She looks towards the airlock door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (The route that the DOCTOR has taken ends up at another hatch in the ceiling of the bridge. He opens it and checks that the area is empty.) MASTER: (On monitor.) I say, he has been busy, hasn't he? (Seeing that it is, he starts to climb down a fixed wall-ladder.) MASTER: (On monitor.) Where is he, Miss Grant? JO: (On monitor.) He's gone. MASTER: (On monitor.) I see. He found a spacesuit and he's gone into the airlock - is that it? (At the base he takes his helmet off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The MASTER has entered the cage and keeps the blaster pointed at an upset JO.) MASTER: Why? What's his plan?! JO: He...he wanted to get to the flight deck. He...he was outside the ship when you made your course correction! (She is having difficulty holding back the tears. The MASTER however is amused.) MASTER: Was he now? (Laughs.) How very unfortunate. By now he's probably thousands of miles away, swimming around in space by himself. (JO continues to quietly sob.) MASTER: But just in case he isn't, you come with me, Miss Grant. (He grabs her arm and roughly pulls her out of the cage. He pulls her up the steps onto the raised platform and round to the airlock door. He opens it.) MASTER: Right, in you go, Miss Grant. (He pushes her inside and closes it again. He then steps down and into the cage, looking up into the closed-circuit camera.) MASTER: Can you hear me, Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. BRIDGE MASTER: (On monitor.) Are you on the flight deck? If so, listen to this - Miss Grant is in the airlock. (But the bridge is empty...) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA MASTER: Unless you surrender yourself to me immediately, I shall open the outer door and hurl her into space. (Looking at the camera, he fails to see the DOCTOR emerging from the bridge area and tying his belt-end round his wrist. Too late, the MASTER turns as the DOCTOR uses the belt to whip the weapon from the MASTER'S hands.) MASTER: What an ingenious fellow you are, Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 41: SPACE (Outside the ship, a large round battlecruiser is starting to approach them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The MASTER makes a dive for his gun but the DOCTOR slams a socked foot through the bars and on top of it.) DOCTOR: Oh, no you don't! (The MASTER then runs out of the cage and make a run for the airlock controls. The DOCTOR sees this and also runs round. He again uses his belt to whip the MASTER'S hand away from the controls and then pushes him onto the railings of the platform.) JO: (OOV: Inside airlock.) Please let me out! [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. AIRLOCK (JO hammers on the inside of the airlock door.) JO: Doctor! Please let me out somebody! [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (Outside, the fight continues. The MASTER grabs the DOCTOR'S leg and hurls him backwards, thereby managing to get the advantage - his finger on the airlock button.) MASTER: Now hold it, Doctor, hold it! (The DOCTOR pauses and the MASTER points into the cage.) MASTER: Get that blaster over to me or I press this button, and that will be the end of Miss Grant! [SCENE_BREAK] 45: SPACE (The battlecruiser homes in on the policeship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The DOCTOR walks up to the MASTER with the weapon and reluctantly hands it over to him.) MASTER: Thank you, Doctor. (They are suddenly jolted as the battlecruiser locks on.) DOCTOR: Well, we appear to have company. [SCENE_BREAK] 47: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. AIRLOCK (In the airlock, JO looks nervously at the outer door. It opens and a DRACONIAN CAPTAIN and two of his soldiers walk in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA DOCTOR: Would these be your Ogron friends? MASTER: (Puzzled.) Why, no, no. (The two men step backwards from the airlock door. The MASTER still holds his gun and has it pointed at the door.) DOCTOR: Well, I should try and be a bit more hospitable, old chap. Come on, put that gun away. They've probably got us out-numbered. (The MASTER drops the gun down just before the inner airlock door opens and the DRACONIAN CAPTAIN, his own gun raised, steps through. The other two follow with JO.) MASTER: Welcome on board my ship. To what do I owe the honour? DRACONIAN CAPTAIN: Why have you violated the Draconian frontier? MASTER: Ah, yes, I'm most apologetic about that, but it was really beyond my control. You see, my prisoners were trying to escape and my...my ship was thrown off course. DRACONIAN CAPTAIN: Prisoners? MASTER: Yes, I am the commissioner of Earth's interplanetary police. I'm taking these two people back to planet Sirius 4 for...for trial. Ah, here is my warrant of authority. (He takes a small wallet out of his breast pocket.) DOCTOR: Now don't believe this man - he's lying. DRACONIAN CAPTAIN: I'm not concerned in disputes between Earthmen. Owing to the many insults and outrages committed against the empire of Draconia, a state of emergency exists and all diplomatic relations have been severed. You have violated Draconian space. The penalty is death. MASTER: I insist on speaking to higher authority! DRACONIAN CAPTAIN: You are in Draconian space. I am the authority here. DOCTOR: Captain, you cannot condemn us without a trial. Now, I have vital information for your Emperor. At least give me the chance to speak to him? (The CAPTAIN considers and turns to his men.) DRACONIAN CAPTAIN: We shall take them to Draconia. Put them in the cage. (One of the soldiers pushes JO down one way from the raised platform towards the cage while the other herds the DOCTOR and the MASTER in a different direction towards the same destination, despite the latter's vociferous protests...) MASTER: But you can't do that! I'm a commissioner of interplanetary police - this is my spaceship! I tell you - you cannot do that! [SCENE_BREAK] 49: SPACE (The two vessels unlock and the policeship moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 50: INT. POLICE SPACESHIP. CELL AREA (The DOCTOR and JO sit on a bunk. The MASTER stands with his arms folded, glowering at the two Draconian guards.) DOCTOR: Well, personally I'm quite happy to be going to Draconia, Jo. Perhaps we can convince the Emperor what our friend here has been trying to do. MASTER: You really think he'd believe you? DOCTOR: Well, this won't be my first visit to Draconia, you know? Many years ago, I spent quite some time there. I was able to help them through a period of very great difficulty. MASTER: Hmm! Displaying your usual sickening lovability, I suppose? JO: So there's a good chance that they'll believe you, huh? DOCTOR: Well, it's a long time ago. Things may have changed. But I do understand the Draconian mentality, Jo. It all depends how you approach them. JO: (To the MASTER.) So, if they do believe the Doctor, you've had it! MASTER: Perhaps, Miss Grant, perhaps. One never knows when help may be at hand. (He settles down on the other bunk.) MASTER: Now, if you'll excuse me, I think that this is going to be rather a long journey, so, er, goodnight. (He lies down with his back to the DOCTOR and JO. They fail to see that he has taken a small signalling device out of his pocket and has switched it on. A light starts to flash on the unit.) DOCTOR: Er, we'll wake you with a cup of tea in the morning. MASTER: Thank you. (The MASTER lies back, with the device still emitting its signal...) [SCENE_BREAK] 51: SPACE (...which is picked up far off in space by a ship similar to the one that JO saw from the portal of the cargo ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 52: INT. OGRON SPACESHIP. BRIDGE (Inside a silvery metallic control room, a lone Ogron sits at a control console on a raised gantry which runs round part of the room. The signal appears on his monitor and the creature makes adjustments to the controls.)
Plan: A: The Master; Q: Who rescues the Doctor from the lunar penal colony? A: Jo; Q: Who does the Master want to take with him to the Ogrons' planet? A: space; Q: Where does the Doctor end up after escaping the lunar penal colony? Summary: The Master rescues the Doctor from the lunar penal colony, aiming to take him and Jo to the Ogrons' planet, and the Doctor's attempt to escape leaves him stranded in space.
SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, last year. The Evil Queen's room at the Dark Palace. A green hand searches through the Queen's jewelry. [SCENE_BREAK] Wicked Witch of the West: Look at all her things. Onyx, black pearl... diamond. (She looks into the mirror to see how the earrings look on herself.) A family could live off what this is worth. (Drops the earring in the jewelry box) She just left it all behind. (Walks to the Queen's wardrobe. A flying monkey looks her, making some noises. The Wicked Witch looks around the room.) Such pretty things. All wasted on her. (She opens the wardrobe and searches through the outfits; picking out a dress.) Ahh. Now, this could work. (She walks to the mirror where green smoke envelopes her. The smoke clears; showing she is now wearing the dress. She studies herself in the mirror.) Now, that's how you wear a dress. (Turns her head to the flying monkey. The creature looks her, with a kind of admiration.) I know I look lovely. Now go find the Evil Queen and let her know that I'm here. And no... there's no need to be gentle. (The flying monkey obeys and flies away.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, last year. Snow White and company make their way across the land. The Evil Queen stops and looks at her former palace in the distance. Red Riding Hood approaches Snow White. [SCENE_BREAK] Red Riding Hood: Seems like old times, doesn't it? Except, not running from Regina, but with her. Snow White: She's changed. I have to believe for the better. Red Riding Hood: I hope it sticks. But regardless, she doesn't look too good. If she hadn't tried to hurt us so many times, I might be worried about her. Snow White: I'll talk to her. (walks away and approaches the Evil Queen.) You're ready to make camp soon, Regina? (The Evil Queen remains silent.) You're thinking about Henry, aren't you? Evil Queen: I'm always thinking about Henry. And I was also thinking (turning around to walk on) there are tunnels that run under the castle. They may run beneath the spell. Prince Charming: Which means we can sneak an army inside. Evil Queen: No, an army would be detected. Snow White: Then how do the tunnels help us? Evil Queen: Because they can get me inside. If I can get inside, then I can lower the shield. Then you can send in your army. (Shrieking is heard and a flying monkey swoops in. Charming draws his sword, Snow White readies to loose an arrow.) Neal Cassidy: Something's coming. (The monkey pushes him out of its path and flies toward Roland, presently standing right in front of the Evil Queen.) Roland: Papa! Robin Hood: Roland! (The Queen runs in front of the boy, gently pushing him away from the creature as Roland runs over to his father.) Evil Queen: Not so fast. (She magically transforms the monkey into a stuffed animal. Then she approaches Robin and Roland.) See, not so scary. (Giving the toy to Roland.) Now you have a new toy. (She smiles.) Robin Hood: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. Blanchard Apartment. Hook, Mary Margaret and David are sitting in the living room. Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Okay, Henry is asleep upstairs. If he wakes up, you two are helping me with the case. (She sits down on a sofa.) So, what the hell happened here? I mean, besides the obvious. (Gesturing toward a pregnant Mary Margaret.) Mary Margaret: We don't know. We watched you drive over the town line with Henry. Regina started to cast her spell to take us all back to the Enchanted Forest and then...everything went black. David: And the next thing we remember is waking up in our beds like it was any other morning in Storybrooke. Mary Margaret: Except it clearly wasn't. (putting a protective hand over her belly) Hook: Almost harvest time and you can't remember the planting. It's bad luck, mate. Emma: Clearly a year's past. I was in New York, I know I was. David: And we don't know where the hell we were. We don't even know if we left Storybrooke. Hook: Aye, you did. I was with you. Mary Margaret: In the Enchanted Forest? Hook: Regina's spell brought us back. We've spent a brief time with a prince and princess named Phillip and Aurora. But I wasn't feeling the community spirit, so I ventured of on my own. The last I saw of you lot, you were making your way to Regina's castle. Emma: And now you're cursed. Why doesn't that surprise me? Mary Margaret: ( She shakes her head.) Regina seems as clueless as the rest of us. I'm not quite sure she was involved in this. Emma: So she says. David: (turning to Hook) I don't understand: If you left the Enchanted Forest before the curse, how did you know to find Emma and come to Storybrooke? Hook: As I was sailing the realms a bird landed on my ship's wheel with a note instructing me to retrieve Emma and bring her back here. There was a small vial of memory potion tied to its leg. Mary Margret: Who send it? Hook: I assumed you did. David: A message via bird--that does sound like you. (There's a knock on the door. Leroy and Happy enter the room.) What is it? Leroy: We lost another one. We're five now. Happy: (taking a look on his cellphone) Four, actually. Bashful's not answering. Emma: Wait. What is going on? Leroy: Thank God you're back, sister. Mary Margaret: It's not just our memories that are missing. Ever since we woke up, people have begun disappearing. Leroy: Whoever cursed us is picking us off, one by one. Emma: Who's exactly missing? David: Aside from the dwarves, we're not sure. There's been a lot of confusion over the past few days. It's been hard to keep track of everyone. Emma: Wait. Neal. Is he here? Mary Margaret: Well, we haven't found him yet. Emma: So he might have been taken, too. Leroy: Smart money is on yes. Mary Margret: Leroy! Hook: He'll turn up, Swan. He always does. David: Some folks have set up camp in the woods at the edge of town. Neal might be there. Mary Margaret: Or he may not have got swept up in the curse at all. Emma: There's only one way we gonna figure all this out. We have to get your memories back. Mary Margaret: How are we going to do that? Emma: By figuring out who took them in the first place. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. The group discusses the attack. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: What the hell was that thing? Snow White: The same kind of monster that attacked us on our journey here. Grumpy: If I didn't know better, I'd say it looked an awful lot like a monkey. Prince Charming: A monkey with wings? Evil Queen: Yes, that's exactly what it is. Neal: Okay, you're acting like that's normal. Belle: Actually, it is. But not here. There's only one land that has creatures like that. I've read about it. Oz. Snow White: Oz? That's a real place? Evil Queen: The bookworm's right. It's quite real. If our simian friend is any indication, then I think we know exactly who's taken up residence in our castle. The Wicked Witch. Grumpy: We talking East or West? Snow White: Does it matter? Neither one sounds good. Grumpy: One you drop a house on. The other one you toss a bucket of water at. (Snow White nods.) Prince Charming: So, Regina, what exactly are we up against besides green skin and a pointy hat? What did you do to her? Evil Queen: This time? Nothing. Never met her. Prince Charming: This isn't a personal vendetta? Shocking. Okay then, Oz aside, we stick to the original plan. Arm up, then attack. (To the Queen.) Assuming you can get the shield down. The Evil Queen: You don't need to worry about me. (She starts walking away.) Snow White: I'm coming with you. The Evil Queen: No, this is a one woman job. Snow White: What? Against the Wicked Witch? She has flying monkeys! Who knows what else! Evil Queen: I don't care if the Lollipop Guild is protecting her. I can lower that shield on my own. Snow White: Then we'll be waiting for you on the other side. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. Granny's Diner. Ruby serves Henry a hot cocoa with cinnamon. [SCENE_BREAK] Ruby: Here you go, Hen-. Young man. Nice hot cocoa. Henry: Hey, it's cinnamon. How did you know? Ruby: A lucky guess. You've got a cinnamon kind of face. (Mary Margaret and David enter the dinner.) Emma: Henry, this is David and Mary Margaret. Henry: Are you helping my mom with the case? (Whispering) Or are they the ones who jumped the jail? Emma: No, they are- They are just old friends. Henry: Friends? From where? Mary Margaret: (Quickly.) Phoenix. Emma: (A bit alarmed.) Well, Phoenix and here. Henry: But I thought you were only in Phoenix for being in... that place. Mary Margaret: (Realizing what she said.) Right. We were cell mates. Henry: Really? What were you in for? Mary Margret: Banditry. (sitting down) People make mistakes. The important thing is to find a way to keep moving on. Henry: Did you know my dad? David: Should we order? Let's order. (From the other side of the room, a mug of coffee shatters. The camera pans over to reveal Regina Mills, staring at Henry, her face unreadable with emotion. He stares blankly back.) Regina: Oh, uh, I'm-- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Henry: (He shrugs, then returns to his cocoa.) Oh, that's okay. Emma: (Rises) Regina. Regina, we need to talk. Come on.(The scene transfers as Emma and Reigna walk go into a back room.) Regina: (Shocked and confused.) He looked right through me. Emma: Because he doesn't remember you. Regina: But you clearly do. Why are you here? Emma: Storybrooke. A new curse. Missing year. What do you think? Regina: What I mean is, how did you know to come back? I gave you and Henry a new life. New memories. Emma: Hook found me. He gave me a potion to make me remember. There wasn't enough for Henry. Regina: How convenient. Look, I didn't cast that curse, if that's what you're thinking. Emma: The thought did cross my mind. Regina: Why would I do this? Why would I erase an entire year of my life? Emma: Maybe it was a bad year for you. Maybe this curse was your way of getting me to bring Henry back here. Regina: With no memory of me? If I wanted my son back, do you think I'd put myself through this kind of torture? I cast curses to hurt other people. Not myself. Emma: Maybe so. But I need to start crossing people of the list. Regina: How? By walking around using your superpower on everyone? Emma: You've got a better idea? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke, not far from the town limits. Present day. Robin Hood and his Merry Men are staring at Little John's recently-received crossbow. [SCENE_BREAK] Friar Tuck: I've never seen a bow like that. Little John: Its aim is truer than any I've seen without magic. Friar Tuck: Where did you get it? Little John: A store. Robin Hood: And you procured it with what? (Silence.) You stole it? Little John: The proprietor looked rich, and we're poor here. We gotta eat. Friar Tuck: (spotting a turkey in the distance) Speaking of eating, I see dinner. Little John (aiming) Let's see how fast the turkeys are in this land. (He misses. The bird walks off.) Robin Hood: (laughing) Only missed by a feather's length. Seems that bow has improved your aim. (Little John chases the turkey.) John, where're you going? (The bird steps over the town line. Little John follows close behind. As he comes near the border a flying monkey appears, snatching Little John from the ground and flying away.) John! John! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Robin Hood indicates the town's border to Emma, Hook and David. [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: This is where he was taken. Emma: I wouldn't step over that line, if I were you. Robin Hood: You think Little John was carried away because he attempted to cross that line? David: Makes sense. The dwarves were out checking the line to see if anyone was coming or going when they disappeared. What exactly took Little John? Robin Hood: We didn't get a good look. Some manner of a beast with wings. Emma: That sounds a lot like the monster who attacked me in New York. Hook: The monster you were gonna marry? David: (Unpleasantly surprised.) You're gonna marry someone? Hook: Did you just miss the part where I said "monster"? Robin Hood: We need to find Little John. Emma: It may lead us to those who've gone missing. David, take him and the rest of his- Robin Hood: Merry Men. Emma: Right. Them. Run a search grid and see if you can find any sign of their missing guy. (She begins to walk away.) Hook: You're not joining, Swan? Emma: Not yet. Regina was right. I'm not gonna figure out who's behind this curse by talking to people one by one. David: What are you gonna do? Emma: I'm gonna talk to everybody. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. The Town Hall. Citizens are assembled. They discuss loudly. [SCENE_BREAK] Granny: This won't do any good. (Standing in front of them Emma tries to calm the assembled citizens down.) Everyone. Everyone. I know that you're afraid and confused but I need you to listen. Archie Hopper: Is it true? Is there some kind of monster keeping us from leaving town? Leroy: Is that what happened to my brothers? Emma: Yes, we believe the people are being abducted as they approach the town line. Granny: So, we're trapped here. Again? Emma: It's like the last time. Leroy: Last time we lost our memories. This time we get into dragged into woods. (Regina enters the town hall.) Belle: Do you know who cursed us? And why they want us here? Emma: I'm working on it. It's hard to figure out who cast the curse when nobody remembers the last year. Leroy: Who? Isn't it obvious? Emma: Do you remember something? Leroy: (accussive) Who cast the last curse? Who knows how to use it? Who's the only one who ever did anything like this before? The Evil Queen. Regina: (shakes her head) For once I'm just as clueless as the rest of you. Dr. Whale: You expect us to believe that? Regina: (defensive) It's the truth. Granny: This curse has your fingerprints all over it. Belle: You did take away our memories once before. Granny: You still have your big house. Regina: Do you think I care about my house? About my job? About any of these things? Archie Hopper: Regina, please. Just tell us the truth. We'll understand. Granny: Speak for yourself. Regina: I am telling the truth. If I had done this curse there's one thing I'd have right now. My son. Emma: Yeah, you're not getting anywhere near him until I get to the bottom of what's going on here. Regina: So now, you're siding with rabble? I thought we've been through this. I'm innocent. Emma: Yes, that's what you said before but now I'm wondering if I believe you. (Some are moving towards Regina.) Regina: Don't come any closer. Emma: Regina. Regina: Do you remember who you're dealing with? If you all want me to be the Evil Queen, then fine. That's exactly who you'll get. (Regina magically causes an earthquake and then disappears in a cloud of purple smoke.) Leroy: I knew she did it! Dr. Whale: We can't let her get away. Emma: She won't. (She exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. The Evil Queen continues to her palace. She magically levitates a boulder out of her path but when she turns around to land it, she sees Robin Hood. [SCENE_BREAK] Evil Queen: No. Robin Hood: No what? Evil Queen: You're not. Robin Hood: Not coming along? I do believe I am. I can help. Evil Queen: I didn't ask for help. Robin Hood: Well, that doesn't mean you won't need it. That flying monkey back there wasn't after my son. It was coming after you. Evil Queen: What makes you think that? Robin Hood: The woods are my home. I've seen many a hunter stalk its prey, a that beast was coming for you. Roland just happened to be standing in between. Evil Queen: Your point? Robin Hood: That's the second time you've been attacked. The Wicked Witch wants you dead. Evil Queen: And what? You think you can stop her if she tries to hurt me? Robin Hood: Maybe. Maybe not. But I have to try. You see, despite the fact that neither of us likes it, I owe you a debt. Evil Queen: Why is that? Robin Hood: Even though that winged beast wasn't after Roland, he still could have hurt my son. You saved him. Evil Queen: Hm. Who knew a thief had honor? Robin Hood: Who knew an evil queen had a soft spot for children? Evil Queen: (She sighs.) Don't get in my way. Robin Hood: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Regina's Office. Emma enters, slamming the door behind her. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: An earthquake? Regina: I had to make a statement. And you're fine. (She stands up and approaches Emma.) So, do you think they bought it? Emma: Yeah, I think they did. Regina: Good. Emma: Nice work. Now let's see who really cursed this town. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. The Mayor's Office. Emma glances around outside before closing the door. Regina is preparing to analyze the memory potion. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: How long do you think we have? Emma: Until whoever cast that curse realizes you're not actually on the run from me? But, until then, no one is suspecting we're working together. Regina: Let's see it (Emma hands her the memory potion.) Emma: Is that enough? Regina: Ah, to use? No. But to applicate? I think so. Emma: We can start waking people up. Figure out who send all people back here. Regina: And I can make Henry remember me. Thank you. Emma: For what? We haven't done anything yet. Regina: You saw how quick this town was to blame me. But you, you believe I didn't cast that curse. I know that wasn't easy for you. Emma: Sure, it was. I knew you're telling the truth. Regina: Even so that everything that has happened has put me right next to Henry? Maybe this was some super complicated and genius plan. Emma: Except it clearly wasn't. My super power may not be perfect. But with you, Regina, I always know when you're lying. This time you're not. You didn't do it. Regina: Even though you know I can't live without him? Emma: Here you go. Telling the truth again. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Past, one year ago: The Enchanted Forest. The palace. The Evil Queen and Robin Hood make their way through the tunnels. [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: So, where are we headed? Evil Queen: There's a fire in the courtyard that powers the spell. As long as it burns the shield will stay up. Robin Hood: We simply need to put it out? Evil Queen: I simply need to put it out. You need to stay out of my way (preventing him to take a step forward as they reach a trap.) Step in between. Robin Hood: Oh, nice little surprise. The Evil Queen: To keep people like you out. Robin Hood: People like me? Evil Queen: Thieves. Robin Hood: Oh, yes. True. But we aren't quite so bad, you know. Evil Queen: Not if you're telling yourself you're stealing from the rich to give to the poor. I may have done bad things in my life but at least I own it. Robin Hood: I own my mistakes, too. I hope you didn't let me come with you just to walk me into one of these traps. Roland has already lost his mother. I would hate him to loose his father, too. Evil Queen: Well, then you should have stayed with the others. (smiles and continues to lead the way) So, Roland's mother what happened to her? Robin Hood: After our boy was born I inadvertently put her in harm's way during the job. It's my fault. Like I said, I own my mistakes. (Both stop to take a closer look at the open door leading to Cora's tomb.) Evil Queen: That's impossible. Robin Hood: What's wrong? Evil Queen: That door. It's open. Robin Hood: Perhaps you've left it unlocked? Evil Queen: (shakes her head in disbelief) I sealed it with blood magic. I'm the only one who can open it. Robin Hood: Clearly not. Appears the Wicked Witch is a formidable foe. (They enter the crypt.) What exactly was this place? Must have been important for you to seal it by blood. Evil Queen: A crypt. Isn't that obvious? Robin Hood: Yes, what I meant was, who was it built for? Evil Queen: My mother. Like you, I've lost people I care about. More than I'd like to admit. Robin Hood: Including a child? Evil Queen: What do you know about that? Robin Hood: I saw the way you grabbed Roland back there. Clearly you have the touch of a mother. Evil Queen: I do. Robin Hood: He's not with us on this track. What happened to him? Evil Queen: He's not dead if that's what you think. He's just lost to me forever. Robin Hood: If the Wicked Witch is powerful enough to break blood magic perhaps we should reconsider this plan. Evil Queen: I don't care how powerful this witch is. I have to go through with this plan. (The Evil Queen exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. Granny's Diner. Henry and Mary Margaret are sitting together. Mary-Margaret is reading a book. Henry pays attention to his gaming console. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: My God. Did you know there's something like cradle cap? Babies get that on their heads. It's a crusty, yellow, greasy, scaly skin rash. Seriously, this book uses all of these words. Henry: Gross. Yes, devastated him. Mary Margaret: You know, there's a library down the street. We can pop in get you something, if you'd rather. I know how much you love reading. Henry: How do you know that? Mary Margaret: Your mom said. Henry: Cool. Let me go get my coat. I'll be right down. (He exits.) Mary Margaret: Cradle cap. (sighs) Zelena: You know, it goes away. It doesn't hurt the baby. Mary Margaret: It doesn't? Zelena: Babies are stronger than you think. You're Snow White aren't you? Mary Margaret: I'm Mary-Margaret here, actually. This must be your first time in Storybrooke? Zelena: I've missed the last curse. So, everything in this world is still a bit new. Mary Margaret: Don't worry. You'll get used to it. (smiles). Who were you back in our land? Zelena: Oh, no one you'd remember. Not everyone is famous like you. Mary Margaret: I don't know if I'd say famous. Zelena: You were a princess. And some of us were just supporting players. Oh, it's okay. I loved who I was and what I did. (standing up and walking towards Mary Margaret) I was a midwife. Mary Margaret: Really? Zelena: (nods) My name is Zelena. I've seen a lot of new mothers. Don't worry, you'll learn quickly. Mary Margaret: Maybe you can give me some advice? I have been turning the corner of every page on which I have a question and now I can't close the book. There are so many. Zelena: It would be an honor. (smiles) Mary Margaret: Careful. Once I have the baby I may not let you leave my side. (laughs) Zelena: May I? (she touches Mary Margaret's belly) Wow, helping Snow White with her baby? I can't think of anything that would make me happier. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. The woods. Searching for Little John Hook, David and Robin Hood comb the woods. David discovers traces of blood on a leaf. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Guys! Robin Hood: (taking a closer look at the leaf) He was dragged. He's there! (A injured Little John is lying on the ground. He's unconscious and suffers from a shoulder wound). Hook: Is he alive? Robin Hood: Barely. (trying to awake John) John, I'm here. We've got you. Hook: I've never seen bite like that before. David: Me neither. Robin Hood: Okay, help me get him up. We gonna get him some help. (With an effort he rights Little John) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Past, one year ago. The Enchanted Forest. The Evil Queen's palace. The Evil Queen opens the door to her chambers. [SCENE_BREAK] The Evil Queen: Make yourself useful. Keep watch. (The Evil Queen walks over to her dressing table and prepares a spell. Robin Hood closes the door behind him.) Robin Hood: (watching her) What is that? Evil Queen: Nothing that concerns you. Robin Hood: (reaching for an arrow from his quiver. He bends his long bow.) I won't ask you again. What is that? Evil Queen: (turning around) How dare you threatening me in my own castle? (She uses magic to choke him) Robin Hood: (with a strained voice) Even if you choke the life out of me this arrow will still leave my bow and trust me I never miss. Now, what manner of dark potion are you making? Evil Queen: (releases him) A sleeping curse. Robin Hood: The kind you used on Snow White? Evil Queen: That spell came from Maleficent. I finally learned how to make one of my own. Robin Hood: This spell. This is why you wanted to come to the castle. Evil Queen: Ingredients like these are hard to come by. Especially when you have Snow White breathing down your neck every second of the day. Robin Hood: That was your plan? To use it on the witch? Evil Queen: The Witch? I don't care about her. (finishing the spell) Robin Hood: Then who do you plan to use it on? Evil Queen: Don't worry. No one you'll miss. No one anyone will miss. (applies the spell to a hairpin of hers) Robin Hood: This is about your son, isn't it? (walking towards The Evil Queen.) I can't let you do this. Evil Queen: It's a good thing you don't have a say in the matter. (She uses magic to froze his feet to the ground. He's unable to approach her further.) Robin Hood: I know how you feel, Regina. Evil Queen: I doubt that. Robin Hood: When I lost my wife I thought there was no reason to go on. But then I found one. My son. Evil Queen: That's where you and I are different. I've already lost Henry. I've already lost the only thing I care about. Robin Hood: That doesn't mean you won't find a new reason. We'll all get a second chance, Regina. You'll just have to open your eyes to see it. Evil Queen: It's too bad mine will be closed. Robin Hood: So, that's it? You just wanna give up? Evil Queen: This isn't an end. It's an eternal middle. This curse can be broken by the only true love in my life and the only reason I'd even want to wake. My son. Robin Hood: Regina, listen to me. This is a mistake. Evil Queen: Don't worry. I'll keep my word. I'll lower the protection spell so that Snow and Charming can be victorious. But then, then I go to sleep. [SCENE_BREAK] Storybrooke. Present day. The The Mayor's office. Regina adds a final ingredient to the potion. Emma watches her. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Did it work? Regina: There's only one way to find out. (She takes a sip of the potion). Emma: Do you remember? (Regina throws the bottle containing the potion at the wall. It shatters.) Either that wall did something to you in the past year or I'd say it didn't work. Regina: I must have missed an ingredient. Emma: Can't we try again? Regina: I've already used up what was left of the potion Hook gave you. There's nothing left to applicate. I can't live in this town if Henry doesn't remember me. It's worse than any curse I ever could have cast. Emma: What if we can still find the person who cursed the town? Regina: Haven't you been paying attention. I can't make any more potion. Emma: You don't have to make anything. We can still catch the person. Regina: How? Emma: We've been running avon by making this potion in secret. What if we're running the wrong con? Regina: I'm sorry. I'm not well at phrasing cons. Unlike you, I've never spend time in prison. Emma: No, that has nothing to do with prison. It's an old bail bondsman's trick. You smoke out the perp by making them think you're on them. Regina: How does that help us? Emma: If the person who'd cast the curse starts worrying we're about to make a memory potion. Regina: They wanna stop us. Emma: Yes, and then we set a trap on him when they do. We just need to get the word out that you're close to manage all this work. Regina: I know just who to tell. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. Leroy storms into the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Leroy: Big news, everybody. Emma found Regina. She was hold up in her office working on a potion. Archie Hopper: What kind of potion? Happy: Was she gonna hurt us? Leroy: A memory potion. Regina said she's gonna use it to prove that she didn't cast the curse. Granny: Like I'd drink anything she gives me. Leroy: Oh, somebody will. And when they remember we'll know exactly who did this to us. (Zelena quickly leaves the room) [SCENE_BREAK] Storybrooke. Present day. Storybrooke General Hospital. Little John is taken to a emergency trauma room. [SCENE_BREAK] Nurse: He's bradycardic. BP dropping fast. Dr. Whale: What did this to him? David: We don't know. Nurse (realizing that Little John shakes violently). He's going into shock. Dr. Whale: We need to sedate him. 15 mg of propofol. (Dr. Whale tries to give Little John a shot. Little John continues to tremble violently and he begins growing a tail. As Dr. Whale attempts a second time the tail lashes out hitting him. Lots of people take a blow from the tail.) Robin Hood: John, John! Hook: (ducking) Bloody hell! Robin Hood: John! (Little John transforms into a flying monkey) David: Okay, I didn't see that coming. (The flying monkey takes a leap jumping through the window and disappears into the night.) What the hell was that thing? Dr. Whale: Don't look at me. I'm a doctor not a vet. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Outside the Mayor's office. Emma and Regina are sitting in Emma's car and watch the house. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: So, do we just sit here and wait? Emma: Until the person who'd cast the curse makes a move on your office. Regina: Is this really what you do for a living? Emma: Yeah, it's called a stakeout. Regina: And you don't get bored? Emma: I don't know. I've learnt to pass time. Eat. Talk. Mostly watch, that's what we should be doing. Regina: Does he have friends? Emma: Does who have friends? Regina: Henry. Does he have any friends in New York? Emma: Yeah, he's got a lot of friends. No girlfriends, yet. At least not one I know about. Regina: So, he's happy? His life is good there? Emma: Yeah. I almost didn't come back because of that. Regina: Then, why did you? Emma: Because he may not remember all this but I do. And I know what he would say. A hero would come back. Regina: (smiles) He would say that. Emma: You're sure you don't want to meet him? We could just tell him you're an old friend like Mary Margaret and David. Regina: It would be too hard. Emma: I can't imagine- (Emma notices a movement in the window of the house.) We got them. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. The Mayor's office. Emma and Regina slowly sneak up to the office door. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Are you sure, whoever is in there can't escape? Regina: I sealed the room with a blood lock. It can keep you out or it can keep you in. I know what I'm doing. (Regina uses magic to open the door. The room is in a mess.) Emma: (armed with a pistol) There. Don't move! Regina: There's nowhere for you to go. (A hooded figure disappears in a cloud of green smoke.) Emma: I thought, you said they couldn't do that. Regina: No one can break with blood magic. No matter how powerful they are. Emma: Then, who are we dealing with? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. The Evil Queen's palace. The courtyard. A burning fire fuels the protection spell. The Evil Queen magically absorbs the green flame. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. Grumpy watches the Evil Queen's palace from a distance. A green dome surrounding the castle slowly fades and then disappears entirely. [SCENE_BREAK] Grumpy: It's down! Prince Charming: Move on the castle. Now. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. The Evil Queen's palace. The courtyard. The Evil Queen sits down on a bench looking over the landscape. [SCENE_BREAK] The Evil Queen: I'm sorry, Henry. Maybe one day you'll find me and wake me up. But until then- (she is about to prick her finger as the Wicked Witch approaches her from behind) The Wicked Witch: You weren't even going to say hello first? It's not exactly the welcome I was expecting. (The Evil Queen turns around) What does a witch have to do to get your attention? (Using magic she takes the needle from The Evil Queen's hand. The Evil Queen winces.) What's the matter? Has life got you down? The Evil Queen: (standing up) None of your business. The Wicked Witch: You really don't know who I am, do you? The Evil Queen: I know exactly who you are. The Wicked Witch. The Wicked Witch: Is that all?. The Evil Queen: I'm not that interested. (The Wicked Witch stuns the Evil Queen's feet) The Wicked Witch: Please, allow me to introduce myself. You can call me Zelena. The Evil Queen: That's my dress. The Wicked Witch: I had to take it in a little bit at the hips but it looks better on me, don't you think? The Evil Queen: I think, you should never have left Oz. The Wicked Witch: You can have your castle back if you want it so badly. I was just trying on the size. Besides, I've already seen everything worth seeing. Your closet. Your gardens. Your crypt. The Evil Queen: Yes, how did you break the blood lock? The Wicked Witch: I didn't. The Evil Queen: The door was open. No one's that powerful. The Wicked Witch: Cora really never told you. The Evil Queen: Tell me what? The Wicked Witch: The truth about us, Regina. The Evil Queen: (chuckles) What are you talking about? And, how do you know my mother? The Wicked Witch: Same way you do. (leaning closer) I'm your sister. Actually, half-sister. But, details, details. The Evil Queen: That's not possible. You're green. The Wicked Witch: And you're rude. Cora had me first. Before she found her way into the dregs of royalty. Well, you know I'm telling the truth. How else could I have broken the door to the crypt? Our mother gave me up and sent me away. But you, you she kept. You she gave everything. The Evil Queen: Everything she wanted. If what you're saying is true, then you were lucky to escape her. The Wicked Witch: Enough of the martyr complex, Regina. Try growing up without a mother. Try living in Oz. Knowing that no one thought you were good enough. Not your mother. And not the only man that our paths both crossed. Rumplestiltskin. The Evil Queen: You knew Rumplestiltskin? The Wicked Witch: Did you think you were his only student? The Evil Queen: Let me guess: You're mad because he chose me to cast his curse. Well, get over it. It wasn't everything it was cracked up to be. The Wicked Witch: Anything would have been better than the life I had. But, despite my shortcomings I made something of myself, dear. And I didn't need Cora. Or Rumplestiltskin. The Evil Queen: It's too bad they're not around to see how well you've turned out. They're both dead. The Wicked Witch: That's alright. You're the only one I need alive. The Evil Queen: Really? Why is that? The Wicked Witch: Because I'm going to take everything away from you. The Evil Queen: Too late. I've already lost everything that matters. The Wicked Witch: No, Regina. You haven't lost anything yet. The Evil Queen: So, you are going to kill me? The Wicked Witch: No, it's too easy. For me to get what I want I need you to suffer. You see, what's in store for me is all my dreams being realized. But for you- Well, it's a fate worse than death. The Evil Queen: Go ahead. Bring it, Greeny. The Wicked Witch: Indeed, I will. See you soon, sis. (She summons her broomstick and leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past, one year ago. The Evil Queen's palace. The Evil Queen returns to her chamber. She frees Robin Hood from her spell. [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: You didn't go through with it. The Evil Queen: (in a cheerful tone) You were right. The sleeping curse wasn't the answer. As you said, I just needed to find something to live for. Robin Hood: And you found it? (smiles) What? The Evil Queen: The one thing I haven't had in a very long time. Someone to destroy. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Blanchard Apartment. Emma and Regina are about to enter. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Maybe this isn't a good idea. Emma: It's gonna be fine. Trust me. (Emma opens the door and they enter. clearing throat) Hey, how was your day? Henry: Good. Storybrooke is a weird place. But cool. Did you know there's a library inside a clock tower. Emma: I do. I've been there before. Come on, I want you to meet someone. This is Regina Mills. She's the mayor of this town and she wanted to meet you. Henry: Is something wrong? Regina: No, no. No, nothing's wrong. Your mother just told me a lot about you. I heard you like school and that you're good at English. Henry: Yeah. Why did she tell you all this? Regina: Because she could be proud of you. While you're in town I was thinking, maybe I can give you a tour sometime. You know, show you around. Maybe we can stop in for ice-cream. Henry: Yeah, I'd like that. (Regina smiles) So, it was nice meeting you. (Regina takes a step towards Henry intending to embrace him. He offers her a hand. After a moment she shakes it.) Emma: How was that? You're okay? Regina: It was a start. (David and Hook enter the apartment.) David: We need to talk. Emma: (looking around, she notices Henry sitting on a sofa) Outside. (The group leaves the room) Mary Margaret: They are being turned into flying monkeys? Hook: Yes, he took a simian form with a pair of wings. Mary Margaret: Did you think this is what happened to the missing dwarves, too? David: It would explain why we haven't found any traces of them. Emma: And Neal? David: No sign of him, either. So, yeah, it's possible. Emma: Wouldn't be the first flying monkey I've dated. Regina: The person who escaped our trap disappeared in cloud of green smoke. And now, there are flying monkeys in this town? I think we know exactly who cursed us. Emma: The Wicked Witch of the West? (Regina nods) Seriously? She's real, too? Hook: Says the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming. Emma: I don't get it. It's not like we're in Kansas. Why would the Wicked Witch of the West wanna come to Storybrooke? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Witch Farmhouse. Carrying a tray of food Zelena walks to a storm cellar in the gardens. She uses magic to open the door and is then seen walking down a wooden staircase. She places the tray in front of a cage. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Hungry? (A hand grabs her arm before she's able to turn away) Mr. Gold: You never should have brought me back. Zelena: (smiles, kicking the tray so that he can reach it) Eat up. We've got work to do. (Zelena exits) Mr. Gold: (picking up a bowl of rice) You feed the madness and it feeds on you. (turning the bowl in his hands) You feed the madness and it feeds on you. You feed the madness and it feeds on you. ( Mr. Gold giggles. Using his fingers he finally starts to eat.)
Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who is certain that someone in town is responsible for the new curse? A: Henry; Q: Who does Emma arrive in Storybrooke with? A: family; Q: Along with friends, who does Emma reunite with in Storybrooke? A: no one; Q: Who remembers how they were transported back to Fairy Tale Land? A: Fairy Tale Land; Q: Where did Emma and her family spend the past year? A: their identity; Q: What does Emma and Regina try to uncover? A: the Fairy Tale Land; Q: Where did Regina and Robin Hood attempt to break into the castle of the Wicked Witch? A: the aid; Q: What does Regina need from Robin Hood to break into the castle? A: the Wicked Witch; Q: Who has overtaken Regina's castle? Summary: Emma arrives in Storybrooke with Henry and reunites with her friends and family, only to discover that no one remembers how they were transported back - or the past year they had spent back in Fairy Tale Land. But Emma is sure that someone in town is responsible for this new curse and teams up with Regina in an attempt to uncover their identity. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was during the past year, Regina, with the aid of Robin Hood, attempts to break into her castle, which has been overtaken by the Wicked Witch.
[Liberty Diner. As Mike and David exit and walk down the street.] David: Michael, I have this fantasy... Michael: Uh, huh. David: It's sunday morning and I'm lying in bed. And I hear the thumb of the newspaper at the door and the sun coming through the window... Michael: Yeah? David: And in the distance I hear the sound of someones singing very quietly, because they one won't wake me up. Michael: Well, that's considering, I think. David: And as I look across the room I see through the frosty glass of the shower the shape of the guy that I love. Michael: Am I conditioning my hair at the time? David: I've beenin' serious, Mike! Michael: I know, I'm sorry. Sounds nice. David: It is nice. It can be nice. It will be nice when you movin' in with me. Michael: Hey, do you know X-Men is out on DVD? David: You haven't given me an answer yet. Michael: I've been thinking about it. David: And? Michael: Well, it's a big step. David: Yes, it's a big step. Of course it's a big step and I don't wanna pressure on you but I just believe that when somebody knows what they want, they should go after it. I want you to be coming out of that shower. And I want to know that you're not going to run out. Wouldn't you like that to? Michael: Well, sure. David: So when did I get an answer? Michael: Soon. I promised. Are you still coming to lunch tomorrow? David: I can't handly wait. Michael: David? David: Yeah? Michael: No one's ever put me in a fantasy before. David: That you know of. [The Happy Fun House. Lindsay's raking leaves as Melanie stands by, holding the baby. They wave to a straight couple pushing a stroller in front of the house.] Lindsay: They have the most beautiful baby. Mel: Second most beautiful. Lindsay: Do you know he's an stay-home dad? Mel: Really? So, who's payin' for the Pampers? Lindsay: She does. She sell stocks via Internet. Anyway I was just thinkin'... I'd like to stay home. Mel: That sounds good. We can order Chinese food and rent Terms of Endearment. Lindsay: You know what I mean! Mel: What about your job? Lindsay: Do you think anyone ever looks back on their life and said, 'Gee, I wish I hadn't taken that year off to be with the baby.' Mel: Well I though we had a plan. A good plan. After your matornety leaves up, then we get a Nanny. Lindsay: I know, I know. I know, but I never thought I'd be in love like this. Mel: Look, I'm perfectly happy for you stay at home. I think it would be wonderful for Gus to have one of his mommies around him but we have to be practically. Lindsay: Money. Mel: Unless you have a solution. Lindsay: Brian? It was just a suggestion. Mel: After what he did? Lindsay: Just remember, we wouldn't have Gus without him. Mel: And every time I look at him, hold him, kiss him, I realize I have absolutely no rights. Lindsay: You still his parents every bit as much as I am. Mel: Not every bit. Brian took that away from me. I have no more claims to our son than if he was a total stranger. [Brian's loft. Justin's giving Daphne the grand tour.] Daphne:Oh my god! He lives here? Justin: Now I do too. Isn't that cool? Check out the TV. And the DVDs. The furniture is all Italian. From Milan. Wait until you see the picture of the naked guy. [Just then, Brian opens the bathroom door...naked. Daphne gets some full-frontal Brian.] Daphne: Oh... oh, my god... Brian: Justin, a word? [Justin's fairly amused by all this, and joins him back in the bedroom.] Brian: What the f*ck is goin' on out there? Justin: I just give my friend Daphne a tour. Brian: This is not the White House! George Washington never slept here. [Daphne surreptitiously checks out Brian's butt.] Justin: He's the only one who hasn't. Brian: Would you please keep it down? Do you have any idea what time it is? Justin: It's noon. Brian: Oh sh1t, I was supposed to meet my new trainer. Justin: [goes to Daphne] You're just going to have to be more considerate, Daph. Brian: Does either one of you knew how to make creatine and soy protein shake? Justin: No. Brian: Well, would you please just pour me some guava juice? [Justin shrugs and heads to the kitchen, Daphne adorably following him.] Daphne: So your goin' home today? Justin: What for? Daphne: Well I saw the balloons on the mailbox. Justin: Oh sh1t, Molly's birthday. How can I go back now? Daphne: She's your little sister. I'm sure she misses you. Justin: Yeah, she's probably appropriated on my old stuff. [Brian walks up to the kids, and Daphne hands him his guava juice, smiling shyly. Brian smiles at her.] Brian: You'd make an excellent wife. [to Justin] Then she can drop you. Daphne: Please. I'm never going to get married. Why be tied down? Brian: I love this girl. [Brian puts on his sunglasses, grabs his gym bag.] Brian: So, I'm goin'. What are you're doin'? Justin: Gonna smoke some weed. Download p0rn. Brian: Well, if you go out, just make sure you set the alarm. [Brian kisses Daphne on the cheek.] Brian: Bye-bye, Darling. [He leaves the loft.] Daphne: Oh my god! He's to die for! [At Michael's place, Emmett's just heard the news. He's crying with joy.] Emmett: Honey, I'm so happy for you. When did he ask? Michael: Last week. Emmett: Last wee... Last week?! Why didn't you tell me? Michael: I haven't told anyone. I haven't decided yet. Emmett: What's to decide? The man of your dreams wants you to move in with him! Michael: I don't know if we're ready. We don't know each other very well, and I don't know if we're ready. Emmett: Well, there's plenty of time for that once you move in together! Michael: What about my stuff? My comics, my robots, my Captain Astro? Emmett: f*ck Captain Astro! You've got Dr. David. Michael: This is still my home. Emmett: This dump? Honey, you won't look back. Michael: And what about you guys? If I'm living with someone I won't be able to see you. Emmett: Of course you will. I for one, expect to be invited to fabulous dinner parties at least once a week. [he's sitting beside the couch] This is about what certain someone is going to say, isn't it? Well, I say that you deserve to be loved. And don't let any man, queen or Brian take that away from you. Michael: Thanks, Em. Emmett: You're welcome. And there's just one other thing. What about me? How the hell I'm supposed to pay the rent on this place all by myself? [The back yard of the Taylor Manse. Jennifer's holding forth at Molly's birthday party, helping the little girl blow out the candles on her cake. Molly blows out the candles, and Jennifer smiles.] Jen: You're going to get your wish! [Justin walks down into the back yard. Jennifer hugs him.] Jen: Sweetheart. You came! Justin: I couldn't miss Molly's birthday. Where's dad? Jen: Oh he's upstairs and watching the game. Kids partys aren't certainly his thing. Molly: Justin! Justin: Happy birthday, Molly. Molly: Whatcha gonna give me? Justin: Permission to live. [And then hands her a rolled-up piece of sketch paper, tied with a string. Molly unrolls it, and it's a drawing of her. Molly half-heartedly smiles and walks back to her friends.] Jen: Justin, this is beautiful. Are you alright? Are you eating? Justin: Doesn't look like I'm starving? Jen: But you are staying for diner. Justin: It depends if dad wants to see me. Jen: Of course he wants to see you. He's as upset about this as much as you are. Justin: Really? Jen: He wants you to come home as I do. Justin: I wanna come home to. Jen: God Justin, I'm so glad to hear you say that. It's good news. Justin: Wait. What about the rules? Jen: Which rules? Justin: Not going out, not seeing Brian, not talking about my 'disgusting lifestyle'? Jen: I don't think he meant it quite that way. Justin: Well, what did he mean? Jen: I think he just wants everything to be as it was. Justin: But it can't be the way it was. I'm not the way I was. Jen: And I don't want you to be anything other than who you are. I have to consider the needs of the whole family, not just your desires. You have to understand this. Molly: Mom! Mom! [Jen gives Justin one last woeful look before leaving him in the back yard.] [The elevator to Brian's penthouse. Brian's managed to seduce his personal trainer, and makes out with him as the elevator climbs to the top floor. They pull away from each other as the elevator makes it to Brian's floor.] Brian: And that was just the warm-up. Now we'll do some serious pumping. Focusing on each muscle group, and plenty of reps. [Brian hears his phone beeping like it's off the hook. He can hear this because the door's open, and the door's open because someone broke in and stole everything.] Brian: The f*cking television is gone. And my computer. Oh f*ck, my files. And all of my f*cking clothes. Trainer: At least the bed's still here. [Cut to a pair of policemen taking Brian's statement.] Police Officer: Have you had any strangers in the house lately? [A montage follows of, like, eight guys, one after the other, walking into the loft, including a pair of twins, one with a t-shirt that says "Catcher," the other which says, "Pitcher."] Brian: Uh, no, just family and close friends. [Cut to Mike, calling Brian.] Michael: So do you want me pick you up or do you want me to meet at Woody's? Brian: f*ck Woody's. I've been robbed. [The screen splits to show Brian in the loft and Mike in his apartment.] Brian: Get your ass over here. [Mike runs out of his apartment and into Brian's screen. Justin leans forlornly against the couch.] Brian: Forgot to set the alarm? Justin: I though I did. Brian: Well, you did or you didn't? Where the f*ck did you go? Justin: My sisters birthday party. And then I kinda walked around. Brian: Well, while you were kinda walking around, I was kinda robbed! Michael: Take it easy. Brian: That's all there is left to take! Justin: Look, I didn't mean to do it. I'm so sorry. Brian: I told you when I said you can stay here there are rules. Now you've got five minutes to pack your sh1t, none of which of course was stolen, and get the f*ck out of here! [Brian stomps away as Justin slowly gathers his things under Mike's worried eye.] [At Debbie's.] Michael: Brian got robbed. Vic: Brian should move in a safer neighborhood. Debbie: Like this one. I leave my door unlocked, and nothing gets taken. Michael: Not many people are looking for a black velvet matador painting and a TV console from 1968, Ma. Debbie: Those things happen to be very collector's items these days. Vic: So have you any idea who did it? Michael: No, but Brian's sure pissed at Justin. Debbie: Poor Sunshine. Vic: Here have some pancakes. Michael: I can't. I have some brunch. Debbie: A brunch? My are we fency! Vic: It's just like breakfast, except with a slice of kiwi on the side. Debbie: Are you goin' to David, my Chiropractor-in-law? Michael: Don't you start to. Debbie: Start with? All I did was ask. Michael: Next thing you'll want to know is if we're moving in together. Debbie: Wait a minute. Backup. He ask you? Michael: Yes, he ask. Debbie: [to Vic] Did you hear that? He ask you? Oh, Michael, that's wonderful! Vic: Congratulations, Michael. Debbie: Oh, I've got some beautiful heirlooms piece your grandmother gave me. I've been saving up just for you. Michael: Don't drag out the candle sticks, I didn't say yes. Debbie: What did you say? Michael: Well, I said I think about it. Debbie: What's to think about?! Vic: Plenty. I remember it took Roberto and me six months to finally decide to live together. And a week to break up. Debbie: Well, how did you know he was still seeing three of his exes? [She covers Mike's ears.] And why do have to fill the kid's head with horror stories. Vic: I'm just sayin' it's not so easy for two men to be a couple. Debbie: You think it's easy for anybody? But if you love each other you at least owe it to yourselves to try. [More split-screen action. In one, Melanie and Ted are at Ted's house. Color is red.] Mel: You didn't have to make brunch. [Second, an older man turns around, lifting a plate of ham. Color green.] Men#1: Brunch is served. [Brian's loft. Lindsay lifts a bag of bagels, Gus, and smiles. Color yellow.] Lindsay: I brought brunch! Brian: Four of my Armany suits. Four Guvy belts and six shoes are gone. I'm beginning to suspect gay-on-gay crime. Lindsay: Well, I'm not surprised. You have more visitors than Disney World. I can't find a knife for the cream cheese. Brian: Yeah well, they stole that to. Lindsay: They stole your cutlery? Brian: Even the state-of-the-art juicer. Who the f*ck steal that? Lindsay: A thief with good taste? [At Ted's. Ted's cooking.] Mel: I didn't know you can cook. Ted: Yes, someday I'm going to make some lucky man the perfect wife. Mel: I used to say the same thing. Ted: But instead, you've made someone the perfect husband. [Mike and David are having brunch with the Oldest Gay Couple in the World. One of them, with short white hair.] Men#1: These days your boys so careful about what you eat. All those egg-wides and protein bars. Men#2: I suspect that it has less to do with keeping healthy, and more to do with keeping those twenty-nine-inch waists. David: C'mon, your guys on great shape. Men#1: Oh, we try to stay active. If you know what I mean. [Back at the loft.] Lindsay: I hope they find who's responsible. Brian: I know who's responsible. That little asshole who forgot to set the alarm. Lindsay: As if you never forgot anything! Brian: Nothing that important. [Brian and Lindsay's screen closes up as Ted and Melanie's opens.] Mel: I just want Lindsay to be happy. And that's all I've ever wanted. Ted: I think it's great that she stay at home with the baby. But on your salary alone I don't see how did it work. Mel: Maybe if I took on a bigger case load or... what if we used our expenses? Ted: It's though with another mouth to feed. [Back with the Oldest Gay Couple in the World.] David: They met in WW2. Men#2: We're served on a warship. Men#1: The Yorktown. Men#2: Talk about your gay cruise. Men#1: There was this place behind the ammo bay where you could get a blow job, anytime. Day or night. Men#2: This was wartime. You could die at any moment. Men#1: And s*x was how you knew you were still alive. [That scene slides over for Melanie and Ted.] Ted: I know you don't wanna hear this, considering he wouldn't give your the parently rights... Mel: I told Lindsay, Brian is not the solution to our problems -- he is the cause. And he can keep his goddamn money. Ted: Well, then is only one other possibility. [He hands her a folder.] [Brian and Lindsay.] Lindsay: So where is he? Brian: Who? Lindsay: Justin. Brian: I don't know! He packed his sh1t and get the hell out. [Melanie and Ted.] Mel: You want me to use my inheritance that my father gave me? Ted: Well if it's that important to you to have Lindsay stay home with the baby. Mel: It's just that, that's my nest egg. It's all I have in case something should happen. Ted: I know it's a though call. Believe me if there were any other way but I don't see that we have any other option. [Back with the Oldest Gay Couple in the World.] Men#1: We just came back from Bora Bora. We went there out fiftieth. Michael: Fiftieth? Men#2: Anniversary. Michael: Holy sh1t! Men#1: Yeah it amazes me to. [Later, as the Old Guys clear the table, Mike whispers to David.] Michael: I can't believe that they've been together for so long. David: That's why I wanted you to meet them to see it's possible for two men to share a life together. That's what I'd like for us. Men#2: Are you two planing to live together? David: Michael hasn't decided yet. But I'm hoping. Men#1: What's stoping you? Michael: I got nerves, uncruses, I've got seasick. Men#2: Listen, young man, living together ain't for sissies. Men#1: Neither is getting old. Men#2: And no matter what the problems or sacrifices are, it's worth it to have someone to share your life. And you're there to share his. [Brian and Lindsay.] Lindsay: You send him away? Brian: Look, I did him a favor and this is how he repays me? Lindsay: He didn't do it on purpose. Brian: Would you please stop making excuses for him? Lindsay: Sorry. Must be a force of habit. [Lindsay gathers up the baby and gets ready to go.] Brian: Where are you goin'? Lindsay: It's time for Gus'es brunch. Brian: I thoughed you want to help me with the list. [Lindsay turns back, grabs the pen from his hand] Lindsay: Oh, yeah. There's one valuable item missing that can't be replaced. [She scribbles something on the notepad, and walks out. Brian looks down at the page and sees the word "Justin" scrawled on it.] [Liberty Diner. Daphne and Justin are having lunch.] Daphne: You're such a big dramatic queen. Justin: That's 'drama queen.' And do you have a better idea? Daphne: You stay in my house. Justin: I'm sure your parents will loved that. Daphne: What you gonna do in New York? Justin: Model? Daphne: You're skin enough. You must have perfect hair. Justin: Or I could be a go-go boy. I've seen one in Babylon. I can make like a hundred bucks a night. Daphne: I can go with you! I can shake it up, to. Justin: That would be great! You and me! Daphne: Except. I have to be home by eleven. Justin: Well, I'm goin'. Look at this. It's his confirmation number. I charge the ticket. Daphne: Since when do you have a credit card? Justin: I took Brian's. Daphne: That's like a major felony or something. You can go to jail for that. Justin: At least then I'd have a place to live. Besides I'm payin' back as soon as I got a job. I just got to get outta here. Now. [SCENE_BREAK] [Woody's. Mike's just told The Boys about The Old Guys.] Emmett: Fifty years? Brian: Poor suckers. Emmett: You think they still do it? Michael: At their age it's not about s*x. Brian: Yeah, it's about life support. Ted: Have you ever thinking of an active s*x life at any age? Brian: Good, that means there's still hope for you. So, when are you and the Doc going to start massaging each other's prostates? Emmett: Would you give him a break? He's having enough trouble making to decide it. Mysterious Marilyn: Then why not consult Mysterious Marilyn? [The Boys turn to see a drag queen in a long brown wig, sitting at the bar.] Mysterious Marilyn: What'll it be, boys? Palms, tarot, spin around the Ouija? Only twenty bucks. [Ted shrugs, walks over.] Ted: Ten and not a peso more. Mysterious Marilyn: Mysterious Marilyn senses you're an accountant. Emmett: Oh, she's good! [And also runs over] Mysterious Marilyn: You, the one with the boyfriend, sit. [Michael sits beside him.] You did your hand on the planchette, sweetheart. What is his true loves name? B...R...I... Ted: Well this is to weird. [Mike pulls his hands up.] Michael: That is not my boyfriends name. Mysterious Marilyn: That wasn't the question. And, frankly, he's a bad bet. Now let's ask about your boyfriend. [Just as Mike and Marilyn are about to start, Daphne shows up.] Daphne: [to Brian] Hey Justin's run away. Brian: What are you talking about? Daphne: He went to New York. Mysterious Marilyn: With your credit card. Brian: What?! Daphne: He took your credit card. Brian: That little f*ck. Mysterious Marilyn: He's going to become a go-go boy in Chelsea. And he's going to be very successful. Daphne: How do you know? Mysterious Marilyn: God writes the scripts, sweetie. I just say the lines. Daphne: You better find him and bring him back. Mysterious Marilyn: I see you on the Pennsylvania turnpike. Brian: The f*ck you do. Mysterious Marilyn: And before you leave be sure to check the air in your tires. Daphne: This is all your fault! [She punches him in the shoulder.] [Cut to the punch, but now it's someone else's hand. Brian yelps, and the camera pulls back to show Debbie this time.] Debbie: This is all your fault! Brian: Since when is he my responsibility? Debbie: Since you took him home and f*cked him! Michael: Ma, please! Debbie: Well but it is the truth. You've gotten away with a lot -- more than you should -- but not this time. Now your goin' to New York. Brian: The f*ck I am. Debbie: And you bringing Sunshine back in exactly the same condition you found him. Otherwise, it's not just his parents and the police you're going to have to answer to, honey. You're going to have to answer to me! Michael: Why do you care? Debbie: Because I couldn't live with myself if something happened to that kid. I love him like my son. You're all my sons. Ted: Thank you, Arthur Miller. [Brian starts to laugh, but stops on a sharp look from Debbie.] Ted: New York is a pretty big place. How are we supposed to find him? Emmett: Daphne's said he's been in Chelsea. Brian: I'm not goin' to New York. Michael: Look, I go with you. Debbie: What about your work? Michael: Ma, I can miss a day. Debbie: See, I never has to ask this kid for anything. Ted: Well as long as the back seat's empty, I guess I might be in it. Emmett: Yeah, yeah, count me in. Brian: Why you guys wanna go? Emmett: Why? Why? Ted: How can you even ask that? Emmett: Honey, you're one of our closest friends. Ted: You're don't need do on the parenless journey all of your own. Emmett: We're gonna with you all the way. Brian: I'm really touched. What's the real reason? Ted and Emmett: [chanting] Road trip! Road trip! [Mike and Emmett's. While they're packing, Emmett pulls out a popper] Emmett: Well, since it's going to be a bumpy night, maybe we should do a 'bump' and then stay up all night. Michael: Put that sh1t away. Emmett: Don't worry. I've got valium to come down. Michael: If you're not careful, you're going to get addicted. Emmett: Please. I've been doing this for years. Michael: I don't know what clothes to take. Emmett: Just pack your little black dress. It works for all occasions. [Emmett then tears around.] Emmett: Where is it? Michael: What? Emmett: The Broadway Album. Can't go to the Big Apple without Barbra. [There's a knock, and Mike -- probably thinking it's Brian or Ted. -- open it.] Michael: [chants] Road trip! Road trip! [But it's David.] David: I've got your message. Michael: You didn't come all the way over here. David: Of course I did. Now, what is this about a trip to New York? [Emmett walks out of his room, holding two different pairs of colored leather pants.] Emmet: Should I wear the black leather or the blue leather? David, Hi. Hey, you should come with us. After spending all night in Brian's jeep, boy, we are all really going to need...ha...adjustments. [Emmett slinks back to his room.] Michael: Justin ran away. David: So you decided to form a search party. Michael: Emmett and Ted and me. David: And Brian. The Boys. We'll supposed to meet Mel and Lindsay. Michael: Oh, sh1t. I'm sorry, I forgot. David: Don't worry about it. You do what you have to do. Michael: Thanks. And I've been thinking seriously, very seriously about... you know. David: Living together. Michael: Right. David: You have a save trip. Wear your seatbelt. Goodbye Emmett! [Emmett comes out of the room.] Michael: I know it's goin' to be a bumpy night. [Later, in the Jeep, Mike, Ted, and Emmett sing "The Boy from New York City" at the top of their lungs. Brian -- trying to talk on his cell phone and drive at the same time] Brian: Would you please shut the f*ck up! Not you, Ma'am. Michael: Stop being such a party poop. Brian: This is not a party. Emmett: Still, a song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion. Brian: [to the phone] So there are haven't any charges on my card exept for the flight to New York? Yeah, let me know if there are. [he hangs on.] Emmett: All right, let's sing some Barbra. Ted: Nope, can't do Barbra unless you have the lyrics on the monitor. Brian: If one of you start singing "People", I will leave you on the side of the road without stopping. Michael: He's not kidding. Emmett: All right, we've already shared all our 'big dick' stories. Discussed anti-gay legislation. Michael: What we think of Bette's new series. Ted: Let's see we're been on the road... oh twenty seven minutes. Emmett: Only 5 hours to kill. Brian: If anyone can kill them, you can. God, I must be out of my f*cking mind! Michael: You wouldn't be saying that if we were going after the hottest guy in the world. Brian: Yeah, that's because he'd be going after me. Ted: So how we find little boy lost? Emmett: Mysterious Marilyn said he was in Chelsea. Brian: You don't really believe that sh1t! Emmett: You know Brian, sometimes you just have put your faith in a higher power and trust that everything works out. [On cue, one of the Jeep's tires blows.] [The Happy Fun House. David sits at the dining-room table, as Melanie walks in with a bottle of wine.] Mel: Running of to New York. There is an original excuse to cancel at the last minute. [Lindsay, bringing candles to the table.] Lindsay: It's probably a good thing that Mike get along. Just to make sure that Brian doesn't get distracted. David: If you rather be alone... Lindsay: Don't be silly. So it's just the three of us. David: Not exactly what I had planed. Mel: And we all know who to thank for things not working out as planned. Lindsay: Honey, would you check... Mel: ...on Gus? Yes. If you check on... Lindsay: ...check on diner? No problem. David would you like some Morose or Chardone? David: Oh Cardoné. Mel: Oh and be sure you use... Lindsay: ...the wine goblets your Aunt Esther gave to us. David: You two are amazing. Lindsay and Mel: We are? David: Your like a synchronised swimmers. You think together, move together, finished the other sentense. Lindsay: Well, that's what happens after six years; you... Mel: ...become one. David: I'd like that for Michael and me. Lindsay: That will happen. Mel: You two are a perfect fit. David: I know. I might have pushed too hard. It might be why he ran away. Lindsay: He'll be back. Mel: And believe me, after a night with Ted, Emmett, and Brian, you'll be looking damn good. David: Cheers to that. [Meanwhile, by the side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, The Boys gaze in despair at a very flat tire.] Emmett: Mysterious Marilyn was right. Michael: Hurra for her. So, now what do we do? Emmett: Well, I could just lay out that well turned out ankle... Ted: That'll don't work. Emmett: Or I can change a tire. [The boys are laughs.] Brian: You cannot change a tire. Emmett: I know that you all just think of me as this Nelly retail queen. But it just so happens that I make it my business to know anything there is to know about lug nuts. Ted: Of course. Emmett: Well like any good mechanic I need an assistant from the audience. You. [He points to Ted.] The lovely brunett in the front row. Come with me. [Brian gestures to Mike to come a little farther away from Ted&Emmett, and pulls out a joint.] Brian: I only have one, for you and me. Strong. [Michael coughs] I told you. So, here we are. Brian and Mikey's Excellent Adventure. Michael: As sure it wasn't planned from my evening. Brian: Yeah, how you think of spending it? Michael: Go with David to diner with Lindsay's and Melanie's. Brian: Aww, dinner parties! Couples! Christ, Mikey, is this the life I raised you to live? What happened to your sense of fun and your thirst for adventure? Michael: I'm here with you, aren't I? Strand it on a Turnpike. Brian: Yeah, that's what I'm going to miss the most -- times like this when it's just you and me. But now you have the Doc. So how big is his dick anyway? Michael: I'm not gonna tell you. Brian: So, when he comes, does he run to the shower, or does he still hold you, all wet and sticky? Michael: He holds me. All wet and sticky. Brian: I guess he does love you. Michael: I don't know. I guess. Brian: I'm glad you came with me. Michael: But we're always been for each other. Brian: You more than me. Michael: That's not true. Brian: I know I can be shitty to you, sometimes. I know that. But it's only because I know that you'll always love me, no matter what. Michael: I do. [As Emmett finishes changing the tire in the background, Brian smiles.] Brian: I do, too. I always will. I don't know how I could have made it without you. [He and Mike kiss, like, with tongues and everything.] Emmett: Alright ladies, we're ready to go. Now! [The Happy Fun House. Brian's Lesbians, dressed only in their underwear, are getting ready to go to bed.] Lindsay: David's great, isn't he? Mel: Michael's damn lucky. Let's just hope he doesn't blow it. [Lindsay, pulling down the covers, discovers a card under the sheets.] Lindsay: What's this? "This card entitles the bearer to one year off, to take care of the world's most beautiful baby." Mel: I crunched the numbers. Lindsay: But how? Mel: It doesn't matter how. I made at work. Lindsay: God, I have to say thanks. Mel: You don't have to say anything. [Lindsay gives her a big hug, and Melanie takes off her bra. They're just getting it on when the baby cries.] Lindsay: I'm sorry, I'm... Mel: It's okay, it's okay. [Lindsay gets up to check on him, and Melanie flops into bed, thoughtfully gazing at the card.] [New York City! The screen splits into three again, showing us the wonder of the city. The Boys wander through Chelsea, T&E's jaws dragging on the ground.] Emmett: My god, have you ever seen so many cute men in your life? Ted: It's like a p0rn star convention. Michael: [to Debbie on the cell phone] We're supposed to looking for Justin. We're haven't found him yet. OK. [he hangs up] Emmett: Okay, I need a break. Let's hit a homo bar. Ted: What about "The Lure": Leather, Uniform, Rubber. Emmett: I have a problem with leather. It accentuates my hips. [Brian, who's also on his cell phone, ends his call] Brian: Fan-fucking-tastic! Michael: Good news. Brian: Someone's using my credit card. [He hails a cab.] Brian: I meet you guys here in an hour. [Ted, Emmett, and Mike look around, lost, until a group of hot men pass by.] Emmett: It seems to me that we're headed in the wrong direction. Something's tellin' me this direction. [In a really nice hotel room, Justin sits in bed, in a bathrobe, eating room service. There's a knock on the door. It's Brian, pissed. Off. Brian pushes past Justin, and takes in the room, including the five other plates of food on a table nearby.] Justin: You want come in? Brian: Why not? Since I'm payin' for it. Justin: New York's amazing. I went clubbing last night until six in the morning. And the guys, whoo, the guys are -- Brian: Did you really think you come away with this? Justin: I figured sooner or later someone would probably come and arrest me. But I was hoping that you would find me first. Brian: Well congratulations. Now pack your sh1t because we're goin' back. Justin: Back? Back to what? My parents don't want me. You don't want me. My life's a f*cking mess, Brian! Brian: Yeah, well, whose isn't? I'll straighten it all out. First thing when we're get back when I find out a place to live. Justin: Why can't I live with you? Brian: Because my place is only big enough for one person, and that's me. Now listen up. We're going back to glories Pittsburgh. You're going back to school. You're going to turn eighteen. And you're going to pay back every cent you charged on my credit card. Justin: By the way, I didn't go out clubby. I don't leave the room. Brian: Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. [Justin, watching Brian carefully.] Justin: You look like sh1t. You should go take a shower. Brian: I probably should. I must stink. Justin: [whispers] Yeah. [Brian pauses, and looks Justin, untying the robe and letting it fall to the floor.] Justin: Sounds like you had a rough night. You need help. [They have s*x.] [Back in Pittsburgh, The Boys plus Justin are gathered around Debbie's kitchen table. Debbie's sporting the anti-Sanrio shirt; hers has a caricature of a little devil, above which is written, "Hello Satan." ] Michael: What do you mean he standing here? Debbie: I talked to his mom, she's all for it. Michael: Well, I'm not! Debbie: What do you care? You're moving in with David. Michael: It's still my room. It's still got some of my things in it! Debbie: Well, maybe you'd like to move some of your things out. Sunshine's going to need the closet space. [Justin and Brian are trying not to laugh.] Michael: [to Brian] This is all your fault! Thanks a f*cking lot! Debbie: Wait a minute. Brian finally did something right. [Brian kisses her on the cheek.] Brian: Deb, that's the sweetest thing you're ever said to me. Debbie: Don't press your luck. Justin: Don't worry, I promise I'll take care of it Michael: You better. Cause I'm be doin' unscheduled cheques. If anythings missin' or damaged. Debbie: What don't you two boys ran along and let me explain the rules of the house to the newest member of our family. Justin: More rules? [Brian and Michael leaves.] Debbie: Starting with -- no bringing tricks home after midnight. [The next morning, at David's house] David: Hey, the travelor returns. So how is New York? Michael: I don't seen much of it. David: Well, in a way, I'm glad. It gives me a chance to show it to you, myself. Can I... Michael: ...get me something to eat? David: You just finished my sentence. Michael: Sorry. David: No, that's nice. Nice. Go. Michael: I've been thinking about ... David: Moving in. Michael: I've been thinking about practically the entire time. David: And? Michael: And I love you. I really do. But... David: The answer is no? Michael: I'm just not ready. David: I...I understand. Michael: You do? David: All the excitement, the adventure of taking off in the middle of the night with your friends to New York. Being with Brian. All the memories, the history -- I can't compete with that. No, all I have to offer is me. Us. This home. Michael: Can we still be boyfriends? David: We could be. But I don't want a boyfriend, Michael, I want a partner. [Michael, holding back tears, nods woefully. He walks out, after turning back for one last look. David, in the living room, fantasizes about walking into the shower and finding Mike.] Dream-David: Morning beautiful. Dream-Michael: I don't want to wake you. Come on in. Dream-David: So, what are we going to do on this beautiful Sunday morning? Dream-Michael: Well, I thought we'd make some breakfast, get the paper, and spend the rest of the day in bed. [Cut back to Real David.] David: [murmurs] Just what I had in mind.
Plan: A: Dr. David; Q: Who pressures Michael to move in with him? A: Brian's loft; Q: What is burglarized? A: Justin; Q: Who runs away to New York City? A: Melanie; Q: What character does Lindsay begin to drift apart from? Summary: Dr. David pressures Michael to move in with him; Brian's loft is burglarized; Justin runs away to New York City; Lindsay and Melanie begin to drift apart.
Outside Degrassi, eTalk Daily is interviewing Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes Tanya: Hey I'm Tanya Kim from eTalk Daily. I'm here with Kevin Smith and his co-star Jason Mewes. Jay: Tell me what a great guy I am 'cause I have two tickets to the party of the year. Check it out. Alex: Who'd you steal those from? Jay: I was invited. I worked on the movie remember? I was gonna ask you to be my +1. Alex: Too bad going with you is a -20. Jay: Lexie! Let's raise hell together like we used to huh? Alex: I'm going with Paige Michalchuk. Jay: You're kidding me. The queen of Degrassi is taking the queen of the trailer park to the premiere? Alex: I prefer to be known as queen of don't need Jay. I never did. Tanya: Hey are you guys happy to be back in Canada? Kevin: I am insanely happy to be back in Canada. Canada's motherland, Toronto! Cradle of civilization. Jason: Toronto is where they have that poutine crap that lunchbox loves so much. Kevin: Really sir in front of everybody do you... Jay: Yo yo, listen! He chose a Toronto premiere over an LA premiere based on food. (Alex watches them with a smile.) Kevin: Toronto is where we cast the play. Toronto is where we shot the play... Manny: Kevin Smith is being interviewed right there. What do you think he's saying? Paige: That tonight is gonna be the greatest, most magical movie premiere ever. Manny: It better be. It's not every night we get to have our professional acting debut. Craig: Yeah or have my music featured in a big Hollywood movie, which is why we are all going first class tonight. I'm talking stretch limo. Alex: You guys got a limo? Dibs on sticking my head out the sunroof! (Nobody says anything.) Alex: I am coming, right Paige? Paige: I'm sorry hun, but they only gave me two tickets and I'm taking Hazel. (Alex walks away angry.) Hazel: Please as if we were going to bring her. Our limo's a skank-free zone. Paige: Did you just skank-ify my friend? Hazel: Friend? More like pet project. Paige: Jealous much? Hazel: No. I just don't get why you hang out with her. Paige: Funny. I was just asking myself the same thing about you. Enjoy the limo. I'll see you guys at the movie. (Paige leaves and walks inside Degrassi.) Paige: Alex! Wait! Alex: 'You want to go to the premiere?' You said that. That's an invitation. Paige: It was really more of an observation, like '-you- want to go to the premiere'? Alex: I thought you were serious. Whatever. I'm out of here. Paige: I'm not standing for your whole 'I'm Alex. I'm gonna ignore everyone for a week' act. Alex: So I wanted to go to a premiere once in my life. Crucify me. In the school library, Peter whispers as he walks past Emma Peter: Grab a book or something. (Emma stands up and pretends to get a book while her and Peter whisper.) Emma: People see us, they'll definitely start to wonder. Peter: Who cares? I have tickets to the party of the year. Thank you mom. I'm warning you. Major devastation if you let me down. Emma: What if I let you down easy? I already have a date...with my step dad. My mom has to stay home with my little brother. The thing is Manny's in the movie. She's gonna be there so... Peter: Yeah no talking, no touching, no looking at each other. I know the drill. Just being in the same room with you tonight's gonna be enough for me. In the hallway Ms. Hatzilakos: Kevin, Jason I'd like you both to meet one of Degrassi's finest teachers, Archie Simpson. Kevin: Right on. Sir. Mr. Simpson: Wow. Wow. I'm such a big fan. You know Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is one of my favourite movies. Kevin: Thanks man. Paige: Mr. Smith? Kevin? Kev! Kevin: As I live and breathe, Paige Michaelton! How are you? Paige: Uh Michalchuk. Kevin: Michalchuk. You know what? My bad. We just always called you the busted leg girl so... Paige: Not anymore! These will be the least broken-est gams on your red carpet. Kevin: I'm sorry did you just say gams? What 21st century teenager still uses the term gams? Paige: Uh the kind who needs one more ticket to the premiere tonight. Could you spare a teensy weensy extra golden ticket Mr. Smith? Please for my friend. Kevin: God you're working me hard aren't you? Just like a woman. You know what? I happen to have one of those teensy weensy tickets right here and it could be yours if you say about. Paige: Mr. Smith. Kevin: Come on. You know I love it. Let me here it. Paige: Aboot! Kevin: I melt! That's just so cute. You earned this. Just don't let me see it up on E-bay or else I'ma cut you out of the sequel too. Paige: I can't thank...um too? Kevin: Yeah Paige. Uh we had to trim your part down a little bit so, and when I say a little bit I mean...completely. Paige: Was I that bad and unaware of my badness? Kevin: No! No hon. You were great, but it's just in the course of cutting a movie, stuff you know hits the editing room floor. When I was doing Jersey Girl I cut J-Lo out of half the movie. Affleck I wanted to cut him out entirely, but then that just would have left that little kid you know. Paige: I didn't see Jersey Girl. Kevin: Really? Well now I'm really glad that I cut you out of my movie. I'm just kidding. You know what, please tell me you're still gonna come to the premiere Paige: Yeah. Kevin: Good. In the media immersion room, Craig and Marco are talking about the premiere when Paige walks in Paige: Here. (Paige hands Alex both tickets.) Paige: And bring a guest. Kevin cut me out of the movie, hence I'm not going. Alex: So what you're just gonna sit at home? Paige: I was thinking of lying actually uh in bed with ice cream. Alex: Uh uh. You're going. Paige: This isn't debateable. Alex: Paige it's not like actress is part of your 10 year plan. Paige: Neither is humiliation. Alex: Me and you are hitting that red carpet tonight and we're gonna make Kevin so regret cutting you out of that film 'cause we are going to look hot and I don't mean up-do, pearls, pink prom dress hot. I mean hot. Hot! At the movie premiere, everyone is walking up the red carpet as people take pictures of them (Paige and Alex strut their stuff as Kevin and Jason watch.) Jason: And you cut her out of the movie? Jackass. Inside the premiere Mr. Simpson: Hey just in case you didn't know you look beautiful tonight Em. (Emma looks at Peter and smiles, while Mr. Simpson and Ms. Hatzilakos wave at each other.) Paige: So this is the part where everyone gets to see me cut from the movie. Alex: This is the part where you sit back and enjoy being here with me. (The lights dim and the movie starts.) Alanis: (In character) You boys are too bloody stupid to make the grade down in the states and your last hope is the school system of the Great White North eh. You want to get oot of grade 12?! (Silent Bob nods.) Alanis: (In character) You better start learning what the metric systems all aboot! Jay: (In character) I've got three words for you! Go to... (Alanis smacks him in the jaw with a hockey stick and he falls back.) Alanis: (In character) There will be no more cuss words out of you, you potty mouth mall rat. You're gonna learn the dual languages of my home and native land and you're gonna savour my poutine! 'Cause you're in Canada now eh?! Manny: (In character) Jay when I was born Star Wars had already been out on video for 10 whole years. You're too old. Jay: (In character) I know there's laws to prevent it. I'm gonna marry Appolonia. She's the sugar in my maple, the cheese in my poutine, the bac in my bacon. Ellie: (In character) The ick in pathetic. (Everyone starts clapping.) After the premiere Alex: Who knew Manny could actually act and Craig's song full on rocked. Paige: You're sounding suspiciously upbeat. Are you sure you're okay? Alex: It's a Hollywood premiere. Sue me for getting caught up in it. Paige: Well the only thing I'm catching is a cab ride home for my hot date with Ben & Jerry. Alex: What kind of friend would I be if I let you bail on the hottest party ever? At the after party Marco: This is the after party? Hazel: This is the kiddie version. The real party is through those doors and it's invitation only. Strictly VIP. Alex: And so about to be crashed! Hazel: You really think he's gonna let you in? (Toby and a very pregnant Liberty are trying to get in.) Toby: I'm a close personal friend of Kevin's. If he finds out you didn't let us in you're gonna be in big trouble pal. Huge. (The bouncer picks up Toby and puts him outside of the line and moves to pick up Liberty.) Liberty: Uh I can move myself thanks. Jimmy: Hey. You were great in the movie. Ellie: Yeah all five lines. Jimmy: Well they were great five lines (Cuts to Peter who's putting alcohol in the punch.) Emma: What are you doing? Peter: It's vodka. I'll only pour half. Emma: Don't. If you get caught you'll be stuck in detention for weeks and then I'll never get to see you. Peter: Well you can see me tonight, maybe someplace quiet and secluded. Emma: Theatre lobby 30 minutes. (Manny and Craig start walking over and Peter quickly leaves.) Emma: Manny! Manny: Hey. Emma: You were amazing. Manny: Really? You think so? Uh did you stay till the end to hear Craig's song? Emma: Of course! Let's toast to Degrassi's celebrity couple! (Paige is trying to get in to the VIP section.) Paige: I did makeup on the movie. Do you mind if I cut through? Mickey: Nice try girly. Alex: Sorry I'm late. (She kisses Paige on the cheek and hugged her.) Alex: Some jerk blocked me in at the strip club again. The sign clearly says employee parking only. Paige: Oh sweetie I hope you didn't tire yourself out at work. You promised me some hot dancing. Mickey: Alright, in you go. Marco: What?! (Marco and Hazel try and sneak in and the bouncer kicks them out.) Paige: I can't believe the bouncer actually fell for that. Alex: Are you kidding? We're a couple hot chicks. Of course he's gonna fall for that. Jay: Ladies. Paige: Ew. VIP does not stand for vastly icky poseur. What are you doing here? Jay: My boy Mickey right there. Hey. He worked security on the movie. Oh I saw your little girl on girl PDA. Is that why you dumped me? Alex: Right. It had nothing to do with you hooking up with every skank in the ravine. Jay: Ah and you're trying to get back at me by hooking up with every skank here. Alex: You do not call her that. Ever! Paige would you like to dance with me? Paige: Love to! (Paige and Alex start dancing together while Jay glares at them.) [SCENE_BREAK] In the theatre lobby Peter: Remind me to tell you how much I like your naughty side. Emma: Consider yourself reminded. (They start kissing, but stop when a janitor starts vacuuming the room.) Peter: Let's go! (They move into the theatre.) Emma: There's somebody in here with us. (They see Ms. Hatzilakos and Mr. Simpson making out.) In the VIP party, Paige and Alex are dancing together as Kevin and Jason watch Kevin: This is unbelievable! They're upstaging us at our own premiere, these chicks! Why aren't you and I out there doing some kind of erotically-charged dance routine? Jason: We can man. Let's do it! Kevin: It was a rhetorical question. Jason: Dude don't call it rhetorical. That's mean. You're rhetorical. (Everyone forms a circle around Alex and Paige dancing.) In the lobby Emma: I need to go in there and face them. Peter: Don't. Emma: He's married to my mother and he's in the theatre necking with yours! Peter: Running in there won't fix anything. Emma: How would you know? Peter: Just do, okay? You don't want to do anything until you've calmed down. You'll regret it. Believe me. Emma: I have to go. At the VIP party Paige: Ever feel drunk without drinking? Alex: Is that when your shoes went AWOL? Paige: They were pinchy. I'm gonna go get some water. I'll go get you some. Hi! (Jay walks past Paige and over to Alex.) Jay: So this new lesbian thing you got going on...I like to watch. Alex: I like to punch. Dream on. Jay: Lexie. Lexie, come on. Why weren't you this adventurous while we were dating? We could have had fun. Alex: You're disgusting. Jay: Oh and you? Putting on a show for everyone? You know, what makes you think tonight is about you anyways? Alex: It's not. It's about her. Paige: Here. Alex: Thank you. Let me walk you home Paige: But my shoes... Alex: Barefoot suits you and besides my place is on the way. At Alex's house Alex: My mom and her boyfriend are home so just wait by the door. Paige: But I'm thirsty. Can't I just get a drink of water? Alex: No. I'm grabbing shoes and then we're out of here immediately. Ms. Nunez: Lexie? Hey. Who's your friend? Alex: Never mind mom. Just grabbing shoes. Paige: Hi Ms. Nunez. I'm Paige. Ms. Nunez: Paige? The Paige? I feel like I'm in the presence of royalty. You know that Lexie never stops talking about you. Paige: Really? Little ol' me? Alex: Mom! Where's Chad? Ms. Nunez: Oh he passed out hours ago. Come sit. Can I get you something darling? Paige: Yeah diet anything. Please. Alex: Paige we have to go. Ms. Nunez: Would you hold your horses Lexie and just let the girl sit awhile. Oh be a good hostess and get her a drink okay? Paige: Looks like the party's just getting started Ms. Nunez. Ms. Nunez: Please call my Emily. Paige: Emily. Okay. So what was Lexie like as a girl? Ms. Nunez: You know what? I can't remember. (They start laughing and Alex walks off angry.) Ms. Nunez: I'm kidding. Lex, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding. At Emma's house, Emma is crying when Mr. Simpson walks in Mr. Simpson: Emma! What's, what's going on? Emma: I'm making tea again and crying again. I left something in the theatre so I went back in to get it and that's when I saw you and her. Ms. Hatzilakos. Mr. Simpson: What? We were just talking. Emma: Snake I saw you kiss her. Mr. Simpson: I don't know what to say. It just sort of happened you know? It was such a mistake. Emma: So you stick your tongue down the principal's throat by accident? Mr. Simpson: Emma quiet please. You're gonna wake your mom. Emma: But why? Did you think it would be fun? Did you get to the party and want to act like a teenager again? Just give me a reason dad! Please! Mr. Simpson: You ever done something you weren't supposed to with someone you weren't supposed to be with? Emma, I'm so ashamed. I won't blame you if you never want to speak to me again. Emma: It's not about me. It's about mom and whether I'm going to tell her what I saw. At Alex's house Paige: Your mom go to bed? Alex: Yeah. She said to say goodnight. Paige: She's nice. Like mother, like daughter. Alex: Tonight was good. You're my lucky charm. Paige: Tonight was good. Alex: Paige. About before when we were dancing? Paige: What about it? We were just having fun. No big deal right? (They hear Alex's mom and her boyfriend fighting.) Alex: I'm walking you home now. Go! Chad: Don't ever call me stupid. Ms. Nunez: Where are you going? Chad: That's it. I'm out of here. Ms. Nunez: Chad no! Where are you going? Alex: Will you stop it! (Alex gets pushed into the coffee table and onto the ground.) At Paige's house Paige: Will you hold still? I'm trying to help. Alex: Being here in your room just helps. Its quiet. No screaming, no smashing. Paige: Nobody should have to deal with drama of the shoved over the end table variety day in, day out. Alex: Even me? Paige: Especially you. Alex: Paige I'm in trouble. This isn't really related to any table collisions that happened tonight. It's a different kind of trouble. (Paige and Alex start kissing and Paige pulls back.) Paige: Um okay...uh speaking of trouble or not trouble. Um, uh you take my bed and I'm gonna, I'm gonna sleep downstairs on the couch. Alex: Paige! Paige: Nighty night then. Scenes for next week Paige: (To the camera) I kissed a girl. Paige Michalchuk kissed a girl! Voiceover: When Paige goes into denial... Paige: (To Hazel) I'm not a lesbian, hello! Voiceover: Kevin offers some advice. Kevin: I don't know. You guys seemed happy. It's kind of worth investigating a little further I'd say. Voiceover: And Paige isn't the only one keeping secrets. Mr. Simpson: (Talking to Spike and Emma) It's about me. It's something I did.
Plan: A: each others' company; Q: What do Paige and Alex enjoy more than they should? A: Emma; Q: Who discovers Snake and Ms. Hatzilakos? A: Peter; Q: Who is Emma's new boyfriend? A: another secret couple; Q: What does Emma discover at the premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh! A: Ms. Hatzilakos; Q: Who is Snake's date? Summary: At the premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh! Paige and Alex discover they enjoy each others' company a lot more than they probably should. Meanwhile, Emma, on a date with her new secret boyfriend Peter, discovers another secret couple at the premiere--Snake and Ms. Hatzilakos.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously, on Veronica Mars... Veronica looks for Meg's room and is surprised to find Duncan waiting, from 204 Green-Eyed Monster. VERONICA: Duncan? Veronica cuddles with Duncan. VERONICA: Why didn't you tell me how often you'd visited Meg since the accident? Veronica and Celeste have a showdown at Mars Investigations in 119 Hot Dogs. CELESTE: What did you say to Duncan? VERONICA: Let's start with what I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him that his mother drove my mother out of town. As the other bikers leave, Weevil questions Thumper in 208 Ahoy, Mateys! WEEVIL: The night Felix got killed. Did you see the guy who called the cops? THUMPER: No, man. WEEVIL: I'm getting to the bottom of this. A masked man interrogates a bound Logan. MASKED MAN: What happened to Felix? LOGAN: I can't remember, okay? Logan is thrown down a bank. A cell phone rings. The phone is in Weevil's hand and he brings it up to his ear. WEEVIL: Is it done? Logan is on the other end. LOGAN: You have no idea the hell you've just brought on yourself. End previouslies. EXT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS) - DAY. Students head into the school through the entrance past the flagpole. MS HAUSER: [offscreen] Since you all had such a raucous... INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Ms Hauser is standing in front of her s*x education class. On her desk is a box. On a table to her left, there are baby dolls lying on top of similar boxes. MS HAUSER: ...good time with venereal diseases... Amongst the bored students are Veronica and Duncan. MS HAUSER: ...I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of s*x Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... Ms Hauser opens the box and brings out another of the realistic dolls, which she holds in her arms. MS HAUSER: ...welcome to parenthood. Some students smile, some laugh, and some moan. VERONICA: So that's where babies come from. Duncan chuckles. MS HAUSER: For the next five days, you moms and dads will team up and care for your very own Baby Think-It-Over. Veronica is unimpressed with the opportunity. Ms Hauser takes the doll by its ankle and holds it upside down. The doll makes the sound of a crying baby. MS HAUSER: Some parenting tips. Your babies have very sophisticated sensors. They know when they want to be held and when they want... She brings the doll back up into her arms. She stretches back to reach into the box. MS HAUSER: ...a bottle. She produces a bottle and puts it in the doll's mouth. The sound changes in response. MS HAUSER: Most importantly, your babies have very good memories. or rather memory chips, so if you're looking to pass this class, I'd give junior some serious TLC. Ms Hauser slaps the bottle down on one of the student's desks and puts the doll on her shoulder to burp it. In her seat, Veronica sighs heavily. MS HAUSER: Now. Find a partner, pick a baby. One of the girl's grabs the hand of the boy next to her to race up to the front. Veronica stretches out her arms, in no hurry. VERONICA: Ooh. Aren't we supposed to have a shot of tequila first? Duncan chuckles. Ms Hauser thrusts a piece of paper at Veronica. Veronica takes it and reads it. VERONICA: Pick a good 'un, honey. I gotta go see the man. Veronica gets up as Duncan smiles and bids her farewell with his finger. INT - NHS, CLEMMONS OFFICE - DAY. There is a shiny plaque on the door, reading "Vice Principal Mr Van Clemmons." Underneath is a printed sheet, setting out his office hours (Monday 7AM to 11:30AM, Tuesday 7AM to 11:30 AM and 1:30 PM to 3:30 PM and so on). Veronica opens the door and strides in. To the right of Clemmons desk, atop a large bookcase, is a framed picture that declares "There is no victory without honor." Clemmons is at his desk, writing. He looks up. VERONICA: Whatta ya got for me? Veronica drops that slip of paper that beckoned her onto his desk. VERONICA: SAT cheating scam? Toilet cam in the girls' locker room? She leans forward and whispers, discretely. VERONICA: A sticky divorce, perhaps? CLEMMONS: I need for you to open up your purse, Veronica, and hand over your keys. Veronica is a little surprised at this but doesn't hesitate. She reaches into her bag, gets her keys and drops them on Clemmons desk. There are only about five or six keys on the ring. Clemmons grins. CLEMMONS: All your keys. Veronica takes a deep breath and fishes in her bag again. She throws another key ring, with rather more keys, onto the desk. Clemmons picks up this second set, rises from his desk and walks to the open door of his office. He tries one of the keys in its lock. It fits. VERONICA: I can explain that. CLEMMONS: You don't have to. The district's put in a security system that keeps track of all after-hours visitors. Veronica looks around the office. VERONICA: I don't see any cameras here. There's no way you can prove that I broke in. CLEMMONS: How else could you have gotten your hands on the drug testing results? VERONICA: The faked drug test results? Let me walk you through it. Usually, when I save your butt, I start by- CLEMMONS: What else have you stolen from my school? I can't imagine that all of these keys belong to your property. For instance, what's this one for? Clemmons holds up a key. VERONICA: That one? Let's see. That one opens a DuraGUARD file safe manufactured prior to 1990. CLEMMONS: And, uh, this one? He selects another. VERONICA: Fits any Vespa scooter. Clemmons stares hard at her. VERONICA: What? I like to come prepared. CLEMMONS: In that case, prepare yourself for a suspension. Veronica's jaw drops in horror. CLEMMONS: You broke into my filing cabinet. That's possibly even grounds for the sheriff's involvement. Clemmons heads back to his desk. A poster above the bookcase on the other side of his desk, displayed with sporting trophies, reads "On and off the field...character counts." VERONICA: If you suspend me, I-I won't be eligible for- CLEMMONS: The Kane Scholarship? Yes, I'm aware of both your academic record and your financial situation. Veronica's eyes narrow. Clemmons sinks back into his seat. CLEMMONS: I might be inclined to let you off with detention. VERONICA: Fine, detention. I'll take it. Clemmons smiles and nods. INT - NHS, JOURNALISM CLASS - DAY. Cassidy walks into the darkened room as another student is leaving. STUDENT: Hey, what's up, Beav? Cassidy acknowledges him with a wave of his laden hand, and then walks forward into the room. CASSIDY: Uh, excuse me, Mac? Mac, sporting bright red streaks, is at one of the screens around the wall. She has what looks like a comic book graphic on the screen, comprising a dog's head, the name Lola at the top and the word wolf at the bottom, just above two dollar bill graphics ($2 bill campaign for season two shout out?). CASSIDY: Mac? Mac turns her head and sees him, removing her earphones. MAC: Oh! Were you talking to me? CASSIDY: Yeah, I was, uh, actually. Um, I was wondering if I could hire you. MAC: To do what? CASSIDY: Well, I need a domain registered and an on-line identity for my company, Phoenix Land Trust. I would also need you to design a logo for my letterhead. You know, I'm, um, um, I'm happy to match whatever your going rate is...I need the work to be Fortune 500 calibre. MAC: Look, I'll-I'll help you get your company up and running but...basically you're hiring me to do your homework for you, right? Under their conversation, the principal is making an announcement. MOOREHEAD: [on intercom] Language exams...on Saturday morning. CASSIDY: Um... MOOREHEAD: [on intercom] Science exams will start at noon... Cassidy laughs. CASSIDY: Right. INT - ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - CONTINUING. Veronica is waiting, impatiently as she listens to the principal. MOOREHEAD: Some other exciting news. Neptune Players will be holding open audition for "Hamlet" all week... Moorehead is standing in a room off the administration office as he broadcasts. Behind him is a staff notice board, chock full of notices and flyers of various types, including one that has a picture of a baby. It's looks very like Greta Mae Thomas, Rob Thomas's daughter. MOOREHEAD: ...and I am especially proud to announce this year's special celebrity director, television and screen star, not to mention NHS alum, Miss Trina Echolls... VERONICA VOICEOVER: Principal Moorehead, you old star-stroker. If Logan's sister is back in Neptune, that must mean she was the first one booted off "The Surreal Life" this season. As Moorehead continues, Clemmons approaches Veronica. CLEMMONS: Veronica? You are aware that school isn't over yet. Veronica rises and stands in front of him. VERONICA: But detention was just so close. I convinced my seventh period teacher to let me out early. CLEMMONS: Follow me, then. Got a little project for you. Clemmons walks out of the administration office. Veronica rolls her eyes and then follows. INT - NHS, FILE ROOM - DAY. Veronica and Clemmons stand in a sea of filing boxes. CLEMMONS: The janitor had a dolly accident last week, moving the permanent records. Your sentence is up when each of these files finds its way, alphabetically, into that cabinet. Clemmons dumps a stack of files into her arms as Veronica sighs heavily. VERONICA: And I can't use magic, right? Cut to a montage of Veronica sorting files and filling the filing cabinet. Finally, nearing the end of her task, she picks up the cumulative record folder (Neptune Unified School District) of Lianne Susan Reynolds, ID#78901-1980. VERONICA VOICEOVER: My mom's permanent record? Six months ago she vanished in the middle of the night. Veronica opens the file. The top document on the right hand side is an attendance sheet. Under that is a signed Chicken Pox vaccination form. It is followed by some grade records. VERONICA VOICEOVER: But I guess we all leave a little something behind. Mom didn't talk about her Neptune days very often. Back before she started drinking, she told me that high school's something you had to get through. I knew what she meant. I always liked imaging that I would have gotten along with Lianne as a teenager, even long after Lianne the adult failed to meet or exceed expectations. Veronica finds a Suspension Report dated September 26, 1979. Portions of it are blacked out. After her name and ID number, this is what can be read: "Lianne Reynolds, suspended three days for spreading false and malicious rumors concerning another student...With much research and discretion, we have ruled that the student, Lianne Reynolds...has a...Lianne Reynolds appeared at a disciplinary hearing along with fellow student, Deborah Philipina Drummond, and was ruled that Miss Reynolds...Miss Reynolds admitted to spreading this rumor...The punishment for this is suspension for three days, with no option to make up any schoolwork or tests that may occur within this time period. Suspension will commence on 11/05/79 - 11/10/79." Veronica reads portions of the letter out loud. VERONICA: Lianne Reynolds, suspended three days for spreading false and malicious rumours concerning another student. Lianne Reynolds appeared at a disciplinary hearing along with fellow student, Deborah Philipina Drummond. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Huh. I wonder if she's any relation to Deborah Philipina Hauser. CLEMMONS: This is going to take you a very long time... Veronica is startled by the reappearance of the vice principal and drops the hand holding up the file. CLEMMONS: ...if you plan to read each individually. VERONICA: I was just- CLEMMONS: Snooping through school property. Isn't that what landed you here in detention? Veronica has the grace to look abashed. CLEMMONS: Back to work, Veronica. Veronica nods and after a hard stare at her, Clemmons exits. As soon as the door is shut, Veronica goes back to reading her mother's file. INT - BREAKER'S YARD - NIGHT. Music (allegedly): Gasolina by Daddy Yankee. (Note that this was stated to be the music on AOL's VM site, featuring the alternative ending. However, it appears to match neither the music nor the lyrics of that song.) Weevil is grinding when all the power and lights suddenly go out. End music: Gasolina by Daddy Yankee (or whatever). Weevil walks forward into the dark workshop. WEEVIL: Hey! You tripped the damn breaker again, Berto! You hearin' me, man? In frustration at the lack of response, Weevil slaps down the tool in his hand and marches to the junction box. He pushes the lever forward to restore power. As it comes on, Logan lets his fist fly into Weevil's face, sending him to the ground. Weevil is set upon by a number of boys. Logan bobs up and down on his toes as he looks down at him. LOGAN: Heard your lights were out. Logan joins the attack with angry relish. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica is leaning into the back seat of the open-topped LeBaron. The "baby" is in it's car seat and she is undoing the restraints. VERONICA: Ever hear of genetics, kid? Thanks to your grandma, I've got a 50-50 shot of becoming an alkie. Guess that makes your odds one in four, which isn't so bad. Veronica lifts the doll into her arms and heads into school. VERONICA: Oh, and there's also this latent mean girl gene. You're lucky you're made out of plastic. In the background, a couple can be seen with their own "baby" as the girl hands the doll over to a boy before running off. Veronica spots someone she wants to see. VERONICA: Hey, Mrs Hauser! Do you have a sec? Veronica hurries to catch up with the teacher who putting her keys in her bag. MS HAUSER: I haven't had my coffee. Intrude on my personal time at your own risk. VERONICA: You used to be friends with my mom? Ms Hauser gives her a questioning look. VERONICA: Lianne Reynolds? You were in the same class? MS HAUSER: [unenthusiastically] I knew your mother. VERONICA: Well enough to get suspended together senior year. Ms Hauser stops and looks at Veronica, exasperated. MS HAUSER: Why would you dig up an ugly story like that? VERONICA: Discovering that your mom and your teacher were suspended for spreading a false and malicious rumour? Who wouldn't want to know more about that? MS HAUSER: It's not a juicy story, Veronica. It's an embarrassment. I'm ashamed I even listened to Lianne's gossip, let alone repeat it. I didn't understand the consequences. A lot of people got hurt because your mother just couldn't keep her mouth shut. Ms Hauser hurries away, leaving Veronica standing, before turning back briefly and pointedly. MS HAUSER: Maybe you can learn from her mistake. Ms Hauser raises her eyebrows before walking away. Veronica ponders for a moment before being pulled back to reality by the cry of the doll. As a male couple pass with their baby on the shoulder of one boy, Veronica looks down impatiently at the doll in her arms and starts to bounce it up and down, somewhat inexpertly, like someone checking the weight of a frozen turkey. She hurries on towards the entrance to the school. Students are gathered around the flagpole. Weevil is shirtless, and presumably naked, and duct-taped to it. There are bruises and cuts to his face as a clear sign of his beating. Weevil is humiliated and not happy. Veronica comes upon the scene. She makes a bare smile and looks down at the doll. VERONICA: Well there you go, kid. She turns the doll's head towards Weevil. VERONICA: Here's life lesson number one: what goes around, comes around. Opening credits. INT - NHS, CLEMMONS OFFICE - EVENING. Veronica can be seen through the open door of the office, marching towards it with a stack of files in her arms. The doll is balanced on top of the files. Clemmons, working at his desk, looks up when she kicks his door further open. Veronica deposits the pile on his desk. The doll gives a cry. Veronica ignores it as she sinks into the chair opposite the vice principal. VERONICA: You've been working here for, what, like, ever? Any idea what my mom did her senior year to get herself suspended? CLEMMONS: Let me get this straight. You want follow-up on what I explicitly forbade you from doing yesterday? Veronica looks heavenward. VERONICA: Ummm...yes. CLEMMONS: More alphabetising, less cold-casing. Veronica sighs and pulls herself to her feet. Clemmons glances at her surreptitiously before returning his eyes to his work and speaking casually, without looking at her. CLEMMONS: Back then, I was a young science teacher. Veronica pauses to listen with interest. Clemmons, staring into the distance, finally looks at her. CLEMMONS: I would have no idea. Didn't you read the report? VERONICA: Yeah, but they blacked all the good stuff out. CLEMMONS: Hmmm. VERONICA: Who else was here in 1980? Clemmons stares at her dolefully. VERONICA: What? I'm just trying to figure out what kind of person my mom was. CLEMMONS: Mrs Hauser was a student. Mr Moorehead was the vice principal. Mary Mooney was a student. I think that's it. The entire list. VERONICA: Mary Mooney, who's that? EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica climbs the small steps up to the raised area. A kid skateboards behind her. VERONICA: Excuse me, Mary? A woman is clearing one of the tables. A trolley with cleaning materials and a pan for waste stands near her. Behind that is a large banner for Varsity basketball. The woman doesn't react to Veronica. VERONICA: Mary Mooney? The woman continues to ignore Veronica as she turns with a tray to her trolley. SKATEPUNK: [offscreen] You can ask as loud... Veronica twists around. The skateboarder stands behind her, grinning inanely. SKATEPUNK: ...as you want, lunch lady does not talk. She's, like, retarded or deaf or something. He chuckles and picks up his board to go downstairs as Veronica turns back to observe Mary. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Mom learned to sign because she had an aunt who was deaf. She taught me the alphabet, but that was a long time ago. Veronica approaches Mary and gains her attention. VERONICA: Excuse me, did you know L-I-A-N-N-E R-E-Y-N-O-L-D-S? Veronica signs "you know" and then spells out her mother's name in letters with her hand. Mary watches carefully. Mary shakes her head and returns to her work. Veronica starts to walk away, disappointed. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Alas, it seems that sign language isn't at all like riding a bicycle. Behind her, Mary is hit with understanding and follows Veronica, tapping her on the back. Veronica turns to face her. Mary gestures fluently and fluidly. Veronica struggles to follow. VERONICA: I'm sorry, can you go slower? Mary slows down and spells out letters. VERONICA: Lianne was a...fiend? Mary smiles slightly and nods, continuing to make letters. VERONICA: My mom the fiend. Tell me something I don't know. Veronica turns away and Mary gazes after her. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica waits just outside the administration office and watches the principal. One of the workers behind the counter hands to file to Moorehead as he passes. OFFICE WORKER: Here we are. Moorehead looks at the front of the file, which appears to be marked "Fee Structure" as he exits the administration office into the hallway. Veronica pounces on him. VERONICA: Principal Moorehead? Moorehead comes to a halt. MOOREHEAD: Veronica. I see that Mr Clemmons is failing in his prime directive. VERONICA: What's that? MOOREHEAD: Keeping you out of my face. Mind if we walk and talk? He sets out with Veronica at his side. As they walk up the hall, more students with "babies" in tow can be seen in the background. VERONICA: You were vice principal here in 1980. MOOREHEAD: Indeed I was. VERONICA: And you suspended my mom for spreading a false and malicious rumour about another student. MOOREHEAD: Well that sounds like me. What was your mom's name? VERONICA: Lianne Reynolds. Moorehead whistles. MOOREHEAD: Well, uh, I saw a great deal of your mother, as a matter of fact. Moorehead, having slowed and paused, turns to Veronica. VERONICA: Do you remember why she was suspended? What did she say that was so awful? MOOREHEAD: Well of course I don't, Veronica. But even if I did, why would I want to repeat it? I'm sure your mom turned into a terrific person... Veronica winces a little. MOOREHEAD: ...but during the time she was here, Lianne was rather...vicious. Moorehead moves away, leaving Veronica looking sad. She follows him. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - CONTINUING. On the back of the door is a large poster for the production of "Hamlet." Trina's names is prominently displayed. A small poster next to the door refers to a production of "Beauty and the Beast." Moorehead opens the door from the hallway into the classroom and stands back to allow Veronica to enter the room. In the middle of the classroom, a small, circular stage has been set up. A number of students are standing around the edge of the stage, some holding pikes. Trina is centre stage. She gasps dramatically on seeing Veronica and Moorehead, as Moorehead follows Veronica into the room. TRINA: Veronica! Veronica's head jerks up in some surprise at the effusiveness of the welcome. She smiles hesitantly. Trina steps off the stage to join them. TRINA: And you, Alan. How's my favourite principal? [to the students] Take five. Trina grasps Moorehead by his upper arms and kisses him noisily on both cheeks. Moorehead chuckles. Trina grins at Veronica. TRINA: Ah. Isn't he a big old teddy bear? MOOREHEAD: Well, Trina, it's good to have you back here. Trina purrs. Still chuckling, Moorehead wanders off to talk to another student. STUDENT: Mr Moorehead? MOOREHEAD: Yes. Trina turns her fulsomeness on Veronica. TRINA: And you look fantastic! Trina grabs a rather taken-aback Veronica and subjects her to the same double kiss. She holds Veronica out to get a good look at her. TRINA: That look is so great. J'adore. Veronica laughs uncomfortably. TRINA: So how've you been? I mean, aside from that whole mess with Dad and all. VERONICA: What, that? It's water under the bridge. TRINA: Great! I've really been meaning to call you. There has been some super-exciting news with the project. Three words: Evan. Rachel. Wood. VERONICA: Okay. TRINA: She's gonna play you in "The Aaron Echolls Story"! Name change, since you and your dad won't sign the release forms. It's such a great part! I-it was all over the trades, you didn't see it? VERONICA: I...don't know how I missed it. Trina suddenly gets very excited on having an idea. TRINA: You! Should audition for the play! Trina pulls Veronica closer to the stage. TRINA: Oh, you can audition using anything. Frankly, we need some pretty girls. VERONICA: Yeah. Thanks anyway, I can't act. TRINA: Oh, acting's overrated. You've presence, sweetie. Listen, we'll catch up later. Right now, my company needs me. [overdramatically] Ach, the play is my master and I am its whore! Trina claps for her cast and heads back to the stage. Veronica exits, a little bemused. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT. Duncan opens the door of the suite. Kendall, in a low cut, tight, sleeveless red dress, stands on the other side, looking enticing. KENDALL: Someone request turn-on service? She smiles seductively. DUNCAN: I'm pretty sure it's called turn-down service. KENDALL: [playfully petulant] Oh. Well, who would want that? DUNCAN: Logan's not here. KENDALL: Loosen up, Richie Rich, okay? Kendall walks in, putting her hand on Duncan's chest. KENDALL: I've been in both your beds. I've earned the occasional drop-by. Kendall smiles and sashays into the room. The smile fades when she hears a baby's cry, as Duncan closes the door behind her. KENDALL: [horrified] Oh my God! Tell me that is not a baby! The doll is in it's car seat which is resting on top of the ottoman. Kendall looks down at it with disgust. DUNCAN: Don't be silly. Duncan picks up the "baby" gently. DUNCAN: It's an animatronic parental lifestyle simulator. He rocks the doll and it starts to coo. DUNCAN: It's a class project. KENDALL: Well isn't that just the creepiest little thing I've ever seen. Duncan has taken a seat on the couch, still holding the "baby." Kendall settles herself closely next to him. KENDALL: So, you want a break from daddy duty? Let me take you for a ride. Duncan chortles as he puts the doll back in the car seat. DUNCAN: A ride. KENDALL: Big D's Maserati's downstairs. You gotta check it out. You would look so hot in it. DUNCAN: Can't I just be loved for me? Kendall slides onto his lap. KENDALL: The Maserati retails for a hundred and fifty grand, but I'll let you have her for half that. You do know how to drive stick, don't you? DUNCAN: Actually... KENDALL: Don't worry, I'll teach you. The fun way. We don't even have to leave the couch. Duncan glances down at the cleavage that is now almost in his face and frowns slightly. He eases forwards, grips Kendall and deposits her back on the couch. Kendall is not impressed. KENDALL: Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? Duncan shakes his head. KENDALL: You don't need s*x Ed. I am s*x Ed. The door to the suite opens and Logan enters, followed by Trina. DUNCAN: Hey, Trina. TRINA: Duncan! You're looking good. DUNCAN: It's all the clean living. Trina watches Kendall as she runs over to Logan who is leaning against the bureau. KENDALL: Hi baby! She grabs hold of his shirt, getting in close. KENDALL: What took you so long? LOGAN: Mm. Kendall kisses him, but it is fairly one-sided. Trina watches in amazement. The "baby" starts to cry. LOGAN: Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate... Logan wipes his mouth with his fingers as Duncan picks up the doll. LOGAN: ...I'd have raced home. KENDALL: I brought a surprise for you. Trina continues to observe, not able to believe what she is seeing. KENDALL: I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share. Or take turns or something. Kendall smiles, glancing at Duncan, who raises his eyebrow. LOGAN: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin. KENDALL: And I'm talking about Dick's Maserati. TRINA: Wait a minute. Are you, like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he, thirteen? KENDALL: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about? LOGAN: Oh yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode hard, meet put away wet. TRINA: Hm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be. KENDALL: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks? Logan is enjoying the duel of wits immensely and smirks as he watches them both. TRINA: There is. I don't think you'd like it, it's twenty-one and over. Kendall makes an "Oh, damn" face. Logan grins. TRINA: We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese, though, if you're free. Mm. They smile bitchily at each other. TRINA: 'Kay, well, I need him in bed by ten pm sharp. He's got school tomorrow. Trina grins at her brother and grabs him by the cheeks. She waggles his head faux-affectionately. TRINA: Mm. As Logan clears his throat, she lets go, but not before tapping him on the nose with her finger. TRINA: 'Night, all. Duncan, the doll now on his shoulder, waves as Trina walks out of the suite. LOGAN: Well, the joke's on her. She came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line. INT - JAVA THE HUT - NIGHT. The staff are working busily as Veronica enters and starts to look around. VERONICA VOICEOVER: After scouring Mom's senior yearbook, I found one mysterious inscription amidst all the stay-cools and let's-party-this-summers. One Patty Wilson wrote, "Lianne, thanks for all the dishy-dish. You made physics bearable." Lucky for me, not only does Patty still live in Neptune, but she jumped at the chance to meet me for coffee. At least someone remembers Mom fondly. Veronica sees a woman of the right approximate age sitting alone, reading a magazine. VERONICA: Patty? The woman puts the magazine down and stands. PATTY: You must be Veronica! Just look at you! She shakes Veronica's hand. PATTY: Pretty, just like your mom. Veronica smiles, a bit shyly. Cut to a little later as Patty takes a cup of coffee from the waitress. Veronica sits in the armchair opposite. PATTY: I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that your mom was very popular. VERONICA: That's great. Patty puts down her coffee, eager to reminisce. PATTY: We were lab partners, and we'd just sit in the back of the room and gossip and snipe, girl stuff. But the juiciest bits were always about your mom's love life. VERONICA: Really? What about? PATTY: Your mom and Jake Kane - the Jake Kane - were on-again, off-again the summer before senior year. But by Homecoming, they were together for good. Or so Lianne thought. VERONICA: What happened? PATTY: That spiteful little shrew that he dated over the summer told him that she was pregnant. VERONICA: Jake Kane got somebody pregnant twenty-five years ago? PATTY: Well, your mom didn't think so. She was sure that Celeste was lying. VERONICA: Celeste Kane? PATTY: Celeste Conothan, back then. Her family was moving out of the school district, so she had to find a way to break Jake and Lianne up for good. Celeste finished the year at Pan...'course, she managed to find her way back to Neptune for Prom. VERONICA: And I'm guessing she wasn't pregnant at the dance. PATTY: That's right. Jake's love child had magically disappeared. Patty grins. A waitress arrives with a large plates of pastries which distracts Patty and allows Veronica to ponder. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Uh huh. Either Mom got dumped because said she was pregnant, or Mom said Celeste was pregnant because she was dumped. Patty returns her attention to Veronica and smiles. Veronica smiles back, blankly. EXT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. The Sunset Cliffs Apartments sign and the pool lights shine in the darkness. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica enters, clutching the doll to her chest. VERONICA: Sorry I'm late. KEITH: [offscreen] Almost started without you. Keith is stirring a pot. KEITH: You'd've missed out on my chilli surprise. Veronica drops her bag on the sofa. VERONICA: You made chilli? KEITH: Surprise. Veronica heads for the stool at the kitchen counter. VERONICA: Had to stop by Duncan's and pick up my progeny. Veronica drops the doll, almost face down and none to gently, onto the counter. It starts to cry. Keith glances over at Veronica who has tuned out the noise, and is deep in ponder. VERONICA: Can I ask you a question about Mom? KEITH: Shoot. Keith sits down on the opposite stool. VERONICA: When you met her, she was still a cool person, right? Keith glances down at the crying doll. KEITH: Course she was cool. She married me, didn't she? Keith turns the doll the right way up. It stops crying. KEITH: Why do you ask? VERONICA: I just found out that Mom was suspended her senior year; I'm pretty sure it was for spreading a rumour that Celeste Kane was pregnant. KEITH: That doesn't sound very cool. VERONICA: My point exactly. Do me a favour? KEITH: What kind of favour? VERONICA: Access the county birth records, find out if Mom was telling the truth. KEITH: And that's going to tell you what? Veronica casts her eyes downward and is silent. KEITH: You know who your mom was. Forget the past couple of years. You loved her, she loved you. Keith gets up to return to his chilli. Veronica watches him sadly. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica is back in the room with the play rehearsals. She adjusts her camera setting. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Which is more torturous: organizing disciplinary files, or spending lunch watching the Bard get flogged by the second lead of "Wilder Things"? Veronica focuses the camera on Trina. She is standing on the stage, about to play a scene with Trent, the student playing Hamlet, who is sitting in a chair. A skull is on the floor at the centre of the stage, between them. TRENT: Ha ha! Are you honest? TRINA: My Lord? TRENT: Are you fair? TRINA: What means your Lordship? Veronica's "baby" starts to cry. The students groan at the interruption. Trina, face like thunder, turns to see who is responsible. Veronica grins. VERONICA: Oops. Sorry, it's mine. He's just a little colicky. Veronica sits on the bench on which she laid the doll to attend to it. The rehearsal continues. Trent shakes off the interruption and gets dramatic as he shoots to his feet. TRENT: That if you be honest, and fair... The doll is still crying. Veronica jams the bottle in it's mouth and it stops. Veronica picks up the camera again. TRENT:...your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty. TRINA: Could beauty, my Lord, have better commerce than with- As Trina takes a step towards her Hamlet, she steps on the skull. The heel of her boot catches in the eye socket, the skull breaks and Trina goes flying backwards. She lands flat on her back, on the stage. The students gasp. Veronica races up to her. TRENT: God, is she okay? VERONICA: Go get the nurse! Trent races off the stage as Veronica holds Trina's head in her hands. STUDENT: Back up a little bit. Veronica checks the apparently unconscious Trina over. INT - JAVA THE HUT - DAY. Cassidy walks to a table, a large coffee in one hand, and a small file, which he is reading, in the other. On the table is a wooden box. He sits. Kendall arrives and looks around. He holds up his hand, then gestures her over. Kendall smiles as she joins him at his table. KENDALL: You are too cute. You wanna have a meeting. As Kendall sits, she leans forward to ruffle his hair. Cassidy is unhappy about this and runs his fingers through his hair. KENDALL: Love it! So...what's this all about? Cassidy opens the box wordlessly, tilting it up so she can see. It is a posh box, lined with what looks like velvet. KENDALL: What's that? CASSIDY: This is the box for my father's fifteen thousand dollar Penerai Destro that you sold to the Webbers for five grand. He closes the box. CASSIDY: This family has been humiliated enough already. You need to stop. KENDALL: Yeah, he bilks investors for millions, but I'm humiliating the family? I don't have a little trust fund to take care of me. So, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. CASSIDY: I have a better solution. KENDALL: Hm. CASSIDY: I'm using my trust fund to start a real estate business. I've already found some office space downtown, and I've drawn up a prospectus, if you'd like to take a look at it. KENDALL: What's this got to do with me? CASSIDY: I'm sixteen. I can't meet with investors, I can't sign legal documents. Now, this is where you would come in. You? Would be the face of the Phoenix Land Trust. KENDALL: Gee Cassidy, I didn't think you liked me. CASSIDY: I don't. But I find value in your desperation. He hands her the prospectus. She opens it, but discards it quickly. KENDALL: Look, kid. I have worked very hard to over the years to avoid working. Now you want to give me a job? I know nothing about sales. CASSIDY: Sure you do. That's all you know. Now look, you'll be salaried a grand a week, plus commission that you'll see outlined there. KENDALL: Big D is gonna get through this eventually. It's sweet what you're trying to do. She reaches forward to touch his arm. Cassidy pulls back and wipes it with his hand. KENDALL: Your dad be so proud. CASSIDY: If you want this little arrangement to work, try not to patronise me. Kendall salutes. KENDALL: Sir, yes sir! She grins. KENDALL: So, when do I get my first check? Cassidy smiles at the inevitability of her question. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS (MI) - DAY. Veronica is on the small couch, doing homework. Keith arrives, carrying a large brown paper bag. He takes it into the kitchen, talking as he goes. KEITH: There's no baby born in 1980 under either last name Kane or Conothan. VERONICA: So Celeste was lying. KEITH: That, or she might have had an abortion. VERONICA: Is that the type of thing you can check up on? Keith joins her on the couch. KEITH: Honey, it looks to me like you and Duncan have a nice little thing going. So why do you have to go out of your way to pick off a twenty-five-year-old scab? VERONICA: I just want a little proof that my mom was a good person. That she wasn't one of the girls I hate so much, one of the girls that makes high school miserable for everyone else. KEITH: Okay. VERONICA: What? KEITH: Well, kind of a bonus, isn't it? That you can prove Celeste is the witch you think she is at the same time? If she didn't split Jake and your mom up, well...you wouldn't have me. And that means you wouldn't be you, Veronica. Veronica is faux-puzzled. VERONICA: And that would be bad, right? KEITH: Right. So try to keep that in mind when I tell you this. Keith takes out from his pocket and unfolds a piece of paper. KEITH: A Jane Doe baby was delivered to the Balboa County Hospital on May 8th, 1980. VERONICA: That's weird. He passes the paper to her and she examines it. It is some sort of report on the finding of the baby on that date. The report was filed the following day and records that the baby was taken to Memorial Hospital by a Sgt. Saro, and further that the matter is being investigated by Metro Division (query: no sheriff's department then?). KEITH: Gets weirder. They found the baby in the girl's bathroom during the Neptune High School Prom. VERONICA: Celeste. KEITH: You don't actually listen when I talk, do you? Veronica looks at her father with a smile and shrugs. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT. There is a sharp knock on the door and Duncan, in a smart shirt, answers. It's Veronica, holding up the doll up in the air. VERONICA: You're it! DUNCAN: Oh, no, no, no. Junior's all yours tonight. She holds up a brown bag in the other hand, weighing them against each other. VERONICA: Baby and cheeseburgers. It's a package deal. I have to get some sleep tonight, Civics test. Duncan grimaces. DUNCAN: I would if I could, but I've got plans. VERONICA: Plans? I don't remember you running anything by me. The doll starts to cry. Veronica groans and lifts the doll to feeding position before remembering. VERONICA: I left the bottle in my car. DUNCAN: Oh. Duncan leans forwards to take the doll. They both walk into the suite. DUNCAN: At least you brought the baby up this time. Look, I'll handle this, but then you've gotta get outta here. VERONICA: Do you have a chick coming over? DUNCAN: I'm going out to dinner. Duncan collects his bottle and starts to feed the "baby." DUNCAN: You know, I'm surprised that Mom never got one of these things for Lilly. She was always so terrified that Lilly'd get pregnant. VERONICA: That's ironic. DUNCAN: What's ironic? VERONICA: Your mom, afraid that Lilly would get pregnant. DUNCAN: Hey, now, you're not about to badmouth Celeste, are you? VERONICA: [sarcastically] Heavens, no. I mean, what could I say about that...saint? She is a warm-hearted, good-humoured, lovely woman of high breeding and impeccable social grace. Celeste quietly appears behind Veronica. CELESTE: Why thank you, Veronica. Veronica spins around, appalled. DUNCAN: Mom! Hey, you're early. Duncan speedily puts down the bottle and places the doll in its car seat. CELESTE: I wanted to give you your clean clothes before dinner. A blond girl carrying a large laundry basket appears behind Celeste. CELESTE: What is she doing here? VERONICA: "She" meaning me? I guess I'm here as Duncan's secret girlfriend. Oh! And we have a love child. Celeste watches coldly as Veronica picks up the doll, which starts to coo. VERONICA: Wanna hold her? She's snuggly. CELESTE: I'll pass. [imperiously to the girl] Astrid, if you're done gaping, the clothes. Astrid carries the basket into Duncan's room. Veronica puts the doll back in the car seat. Duncan speaks quietly to her. DUNCAN: I'm sorry, I should have told them. VERONICA: [quietly angry] Or mentioned to me that you hadn't. CELESTE: I told your father something like this would happen. This is exactly why we should have taken you up to Napa. Veronica gasps loudly. VERONICA: Not in front of the baby! CELESTE: This isn't amusing, Veronica. VERONICA: It's not. Me, breeding with a Kane? Duncan blinks and looks a little uncomfortable. VERONICA: No laughing matter. But look: no one has to know, right? Worst case scenario, things don't work out, I'll just dump her off at the big dance. It worked at your prom, didn't it? CELESTE: Does she ever make sense, Duncan? VERONICA: Does she ever thaw out, Duncan? Duncan opens his mouth but nothing comes out. CELESTE: When I look at your face, all I see is your drunk slut of a mother. DUNCAN: MOM! Duncan races over to his mother. CELESTE: Look, Duncan, she can't just talk- DUNCAN: Veronica, I need a moment alone with my mom. VERONICA: Sure. Veronica grabs the car seat and heads for the bedroom. VERONICA: We'll be in the bedroom. You don't mind your dirty laundry mixing with your clean laundry, do you? Veronica slams the door shut. Duncan and Celeste carry on their argument in the background as dumps the "baby" on Duncan's bed where Astrid is sitting, folding clothes. VERONICA: Nice boss you got out there. ASTRID: Oh yeah. VERONICA: How can you put up with her? ASTRID: I wouldn't, but she promised to pay my way through grad school next year. A thought occurs to Veronica. VERONICA: Kind of a weird question, but is that your real hair colour, Astrid? ASTRID: You're right, that is a weird question. I'm more of what you'd call a bottle blonde. VERONICA: And I'm guessing you're about twenty-five? ASTRID: You should really work at a carnival. I am indeed twenty-five. Please, don't ask me my weight. The bedroom door opens and Celeste stands at the opening. CELESTE: We're leaving! Now! Celeste turns on her heel. Astrid sighs, picks up the basket and follows her. Veronica watches her go. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So is that how Celeste lives with herself? She hires her abandoned daughter to fold laundry in exchange for paying her tuition? If Astrid is the prom baby, she's got a whole hell of a lot more coming her way. INT - NHS, JOURNALISM CLASS - DAY. Logan is sitting at the central table. He spots Mrs Murphy as she passes behind him. LOGAN: Oh, excuse me, Mrs Murphy? MRS MURPHY: Yes, Logan? LOGAN: Hey, you mind if I take a bathroom break? MRS MURPHY: You always ask to go to the bathroom during this period. LOGAN: I know. It's that twelve-pack I slam at lunch, it goes right through me. Logan grins up at the sceptical teacher. MRS MURPHY: Hurry back, Logan. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - DAY. Logan is drying his hands. The door slams open and Weevil marches in. He crams a door stopper into the gap at the bottom of the door and starts checking out the stalls. LOGAN: [evenly] Well, I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chaffing. Logan finishes drying his hands and disposes of the paper towel. Weevil is livid. WEEVIL: You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled! Logan spins round to face him. LOGAN: What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside. WEEVIL: Listen...that wasn't me. LOGAN: You torched my house, then your masked banditos played Russian roulette with my hand. 'Kay, my math says you still owe me. WEEVIL: I thought you killed Felix! LOGAN: I didn't. WEEVIL: Yeah. I pretty much know that now. LOGAN: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology? WEEVIL: We have something in common now: we both need to find out who killed Felix. LOGAN: So what, we team up? Get matching capes, I ride shotgun in a sidecar? WEEVIL: Somethin' like that, but not yet. You see, I can't let you leave here lookin' the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus. LOGAN: Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it. WEEVIL: Wouldn't be much fun if you did. Logan smirks. LOGAN: All right, so who's gonna throw the first- The school bell rings and as Logan glances up in response to it, Weevil punches him in the face. Music: Walk Idiot Walk by the Hives. LYRICS: Well is it true what they say about it They say it's new but I have to doubt it And then they tell you everything about it Had enough I got some people saying this way I got some people saying that way I got some people saying there's no way Ain't it tough See the idiot walk See the idiot talk See the idiot chalk up his name on the blackboard See the robot walk See the robot talk See the robot write up his name on the ballot They say this is all I need to get by The truth is baby it's a lie Weevil's punch bloodies Logan and sends him backwards. Weevil punches him a couple more times until Logan is backed against the wall. Logan grabs the top of the bin and hits the back of Weevil's head with it. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Outside of the bathroom, the sounds of the fight have attracted a crowd of students. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUING. Weevil rams Logan against another wall, forcing the air out of Logan. Weevil gets in another couple of punches. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. More students gather. A couple of boys put their ears to the door. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUING. Inside, Weevil gets in some punches to Logan's ribs until Logan gets hold of Weevil and runs him into the opposite wall. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. The crowd are almost in party mood as its numbers increase further. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUING. Logan gets in a couple of good punches. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. And the crowd just gets bigger. Some have their babies with them. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUING. Logan pulls tosses Weevil onto the floor and kicks him hard in the ribs a couple of times. Weevil grabs his legs and as Logan pounds on his back, brings him down. They roll on the floor, Logan still throwing body punches. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Clemmons arrives with a couple of security guards. They make their way through the crowd. CLEMMONS: All right, all right, let's move it. Come on, get to class. Let's go. His words do little to disperse the crowd but he makes it to the door and tries to open it. One of the security guards pulls a student away and then tests the door with his shoulder. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUING. Logan and Weevil are still on the floor. Weevil has Logan in a bear hug and Logan is still making bodyshots. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Clemmons and the security guard force the door together as the second guard keeps back the crowd. They break in. INT - NHS, BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUING. They fall upon the two brawlers, each grabbing one and pulling them apart. SECURITY GUARD: All right, all right, hey, let's go, break it up. Clemmons has Logan and the security guard has Weevil. They pull them up to their feet. Clemmons takes Logan out first. CLEMMONS: Let's go. The security guard pulls Weevil behind by the neck of his t-shirt. SECURITY GUARD: Let's go. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Logan and Weevil are pushed through the crowd. Logan is fairly bloody whereas Weevil looks pretty much as he did when he first walked in. CLEMMONS: Okay, folks, let's go, let's go. Not a lot to see here. Come on, let's go. Logan mouths the F-word as he is led away. From the crowd, Thumper and Hector emerge. THUMPER: They were lucky they got that door down. Sounded like Weevil was just beating the freckles off his ass. Did you see him walk by? Wasn't much left off that pretty 09er face. HECTOR: [sourly] But he walked. Didn't he? If that was me? After what surfer boy did? I woulda put him in the ground. Hector stares at Thumper for a moment, all macho and threatening before walking off. Thumper gazes after him. End music: Walk Idiot Walk by the Hives. INT - JAVA THE HUT. Music: Stumble by Calla. Mac and Cassidy sit side by side on one of the sofas, looking at Mac's laptop screen. MAC: I gave you a few options. On screen the words Phoenix Land Trust are set on a black background. To the left is a phoenix and to the left of that an outline of the phoenix in cut-out stencil. Underneath can be seen writing and the page moves to the right, off the screen, to reveal what is underneath. The colours are raspberry and pale bluish grey. MAC: Here's if you wanna go the whole Flash animation route. The new page is an "About Phoenix" page, with the phoenixes flanking the border within which the content sits. Three pictures of large buildings top the page, together with the full name. A candle logo further decorates the page within the border. Mac smiles proudly. Cassidy is impressed. CASSIDY: Sweet! Mac grins happily at Cassidy. MAC: But if you're worried about inducing epileptic fits with your clients, we can go with a more sleek graphic version. The second version is more restrained. The logo takes centre page and is a red stylised wing on a white background. Underneath, also in red, is the word "Phoenix" and the words "Land Trust" are underneath that, in smaller size and in a pale colour. The P and the X in "Phoenix" are larger than the other letters in the word and drop below the line. The page gives way to a less showy "Welcome to Phoenix Land Trust" page. Two pictures of buildings are in each of two of the corners. The wing logo and name rest in the top left corner. The options for other pages are: Home, Commercial, Residential, Industrial and Contact. CASSIDY: I think I like sleek. MAC: Me too. They smile a bit shyly at each other. Mac picks up some papers and shows them to Cassidy. MAC: Phoenix Land Trust, Inc. Cassidy Casablancas, CEO. It's a sheet of headed paper. The wing logo is at the top on the left in the margin. Under the wing and the name of the company is "Cassidy Casablancas CEO." Under that is an address: 1920 Fernglen Rd, Neptune, CA 90909, and telephone and fax numbers under that. Mac has drafted a letter to show how it would look to John Q Doe of 1099 Grace Lane, Neptune (also 90909), dated November 28, 2005. Following the salutation, the language goes to something other than English (and possibly gibberish). CASSIDY: Nice. I would totally trust this company with my money. MAC: And it'll work wonders with the ladies. Cassidy looks at Mac, a little puzzled. MAC: Chicks dig scars and acronyms. CASSIDY: Good to know. MAC: I'm a giver of info. CASSIDY: Yeah, well, as much as I'd like to impress the ladies with my title, I actually need the, uh, CEO to be listed as Kendall Casablancas. MAC: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Mac pulls up an editing page and replaces Cassidy's name with Kendall's. MAC: Just...tip me off when you're going public. CASSIDY: You know, I think that might be illegal. MAC: Still. You're admiring my moxie, aren't ya? He laughs. CASSIDY: Somethin' like that. Cassidy holds out an envelope which Mac takes. End music: Stumble by Calla. INT - MI - DAY. Veronica, dressed in a dark trouser suit and wearing glasses, looks older than her years as she opens the office door to a middle-aged woman. VERONICA: [crisply] You must be Mrs Mahnovski. Veronica offers her hand and they shake. VERONICA: Thanks for coming down. If you wouldn't mind following me into my office? Veronica leads the woman into Keith's office. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Adoption agencies tend to keep their information under lock and key. Temporary foster parents, however, tend to be the weak link in the security chain. Veronica sits down at Keith's desk and Mrs Mahnoviski sits opposite. On Keith's desk is a name plate: Veronica Mars PI. She opens a personnel file. VERONICA: I see you and your husband have taken in a number of children over the years. The woman nods. VERONICA: You don't happen to remember a little girl who was in your care for a few weeks back in 1980? She was the one who was found- MRS MAHNOVSKI:: -found in the high school. How could I forget the prom baby? VERONICA: The prom baby, right. Well, my clients seem to think she might be their very own long-lost child. MRS MAHNOVSKI:: Well, I'll be. VERONICA: My clients don't want a lot of publicity. They're quite wealthy, and they're really only interested in taking care of the child...financially. So if you could just point me in the right direction... MRS MAHNOVSKI:: Well, I'm just not sure their money would mean all that much to her. VERONICA: Really. Why's that? MRS MAHNOVSKI:: I happen to know she ended up in a wealthy local home. VERONICA: She did? MRS MAHNOVSKI:: Though, this past year, I'm afraid, her adopted mother committed suicide and her adopted father went to jail. Veronica is stunned and it takes her a moment to remember the part she is playing. She smiles at Mrs Mahnovski. INT - HOSPITAL - DAY. Veronica is at the desk, receiving a visitor's badge and directions. PA: Nurse Finn, please pick up... VERONICA VOICEOVER: By all rights, I should just let this drop. Veronica sets off in search of her objective. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I can't pretend I'm righting a wrong. I'm not rescuing a housekeeper. Be honest with yourself, Veronica you just can't stand Celeste Kane and you want to see her humiliated. Veronica enters Trina's room. Trina is sitting up in a bed, reading a magazine. VERONICA: I heard you were still in here. TRINA: Yeah, they're keeping me another day for observation. Doc wants to make sure the swelling goes down before I leave. Veronica looks down at the piece of paper she is holding in her hand. VERONICA: I should let you rest. I don't even know why I'm bothering you with this. Veronica turns, as if to go. TRINA: What's that you've got? Veronica turns back and hesitates, as if reluctant. VERONICA: Nothing. I was just thinking of trying out for the play... Trina's face lights up. VERONICA: ...and I wanted to tape myself, maybe get some direction? Trina, with a smirk, grabs the paper from Veronica's hands. Cut to a little later. Veronica has set the camera on herself but manoeuvred it so that it is centred on Trina in the mirror behind her. She zooms the camera to get a close up. Veronica clears her throat and starts to read/act, badly. VERONICA: Don't do this to yourself. You're dying. Can't you see you're dying? TRINA: And please, let me die in peace. VERONICA: I can't do that. Because there's hope. There's always hope. TRINA: I don't need hope. I need bone marrow. My doctor said only a blood relation can save me. VERONICA: What about your parents? TRINA: I'm adopted. [dramatically] Unless the mother who abandoned me comes forward, unless I find out who I really am...it's over for me. Trina ends with a gasp and her head dropped into her hand. She cries, then lifts her head and smiles happily. TRINA: End scene. You know, I really am adopted. VERONICA: Really. I, I didn't know that. Cut to a little later as Veronica exits the room. So goes only paces, checking the camera, before pausing. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So who's the mean girl now? To do what needs to be done, I wouldn't just be shaming Celeste, I'd be making a public spectacle out of Trina. Veronica turns and re-enters Trina's room. VERONICA: Okay. Trina, I was lying. That whole bit about wanting to try out for the play, a lie. The truth is...as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago. TRINA: [dismissive] No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy. VERONICA: Trina, I'm dead serious. Trina looks a little worried. TRINA: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act, you're a natural. VERONICA: You were found in a girl's bathroom on prom night. TRINA: What, so you mean my mother was, like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can? VERONICA: I'm pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom. Trina goes very quickly through denial and shock to realisation and glee. TRINA: Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions! VERONICA: I suppose they do. Um...I was gonna use this audition tape to smoke her out. Shame her. I was gonna send the video to all the tabloids. TRINA: You're a rascal, Veronica Mars. VERONICA: Am I? I was thinking I was something else less flattering. TRINA: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's "Entertainment News." Trina eagerly searches in her address book. TRINA: Oh, it's the least Big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail. Veronica is a little confounded by the response. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica enters, carrying some magazines. There is a rehearsal in progress. "Hamlet" is on bended knee, in front of a tombstone to Leisa Byley, addressing Trina. TRENT: Poor Yorrick. I knew him, Horatio. I- Trina spots Veronica. TRINA: Okay, people, take five. She thrusts her clipboard at "Hamlet" and races off the stage to look at the magazines that Veronica is holding out. The Instigator has gone with a headline in the centre, and a picture of Trina from the hospital. TRINA: Ohhh! "Starlet's Silent Struggle with Death." Trina looks excitedly at the next publication, Spun. TRINA: "The Echolls Family Curse." Veronica points at Spun. VERONICA: Webster rumoured to be discovered in Neverland basement. Mary Mooney rushes into the room, tapping Veronica on the shoulder. Veronica turns. Mary starts to gesture hurriedly, glancing at Trina thoughtout. VERONICA: I'm sorry, you have to go slower. TRINA: Look, it's lunch lady Doris. Doris was so nice to me when I went here. Used to always give me extra cake. VERONICA: Actually, her name is Mary. Mary continues to sign, becoming increasingly emotional. TRINA: Really. I guess I just decided to call her Doris. Veronica gets an inkling of what Mary is saying. VERONICA: You want to help? Mary nods. TRINA: Oh, that's so sweet, tell her thanks, but this is a student production. Trina turns to walk away. Mary grows more agitated. VERONICA: Trina? Mary signs an expanded belly, points at Trina and then pats her own chest. Even Trina begins to understand. TRINA: What's she saying? Mary looks at Trina, points to herself and signs for a growing child. TRINA: Veronica, could you please tell me what's going on? Mary signs at Trina again, very emotional. VERONICA: She's saying she wants to give you her bone marrow. Mary, face contorted with emotion, approaches Trina, still signing. She then makes an anguished noise and reaches out for her. She pulls Trina into a hug. Trina is initially shocked and non-responsive. The hug ends and Mary looks at Trina and smiles. Trina tears up before hugging her mother, genuinely touched. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica types on her laptop, dictating as she does. VERONICA: Trina is really your daughter? The camera pulls back to show Veronica and Mary sitting at one of the tables. Mary smiles and pats her chest. She nods. VERONICA: Trina was the prom baby? Mary nods again. VERONICA: What did my mother do to hurt you? Mary frowns and starts to type. VERONICA: "Hurt? Your mother was my friend." Veronica does a double take. VERONICA: Friend? Veronica types and dictates. VERONICA: Lianne was your friend? Mary nods, smiling broadly. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What a difference a letter makes. Mary starts to type quickly. VERONICA: "Lianne could sign. She'd eat lunch with me most of the time. She was the sweetest, coolest girl in school. Mary puts her hand on Veronica's, smiling. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica and Trina walk together, past the school buses. TRINA: You know, when I was a kid, I used to imagine that someday I'd find out my parents were, like, movie stars. VERONICA: Trina, your parents actually were movie stars. TRINA: I mean my real parents. So why are you so interested in all this? VERONICA: Twenty-five years ago, Mary told my mother she was having an affair with a faculty member. And mom made the mistake of asking her friend Deborah Hauser for advice. So, when the future health teacher spread the story all over school, they got called into the principal's office. TRINA: So did they nail my mystery dad? VERONICA: Nope. Mom recanted, said she made the whole thing up. TRINA: Why? VERONICA: 'Cause Mary begged her not to tell. She didn't want the story being confirmed. TRINA: So she wanted to protect the teacher? Trina comes to a standstill near the cars. VERONICA: Mary was scared and pregnant. TRINA: So she decided it would be easier to just dump me at the prom. VERONICA: No, she left you on your father's doorstep. He was the one who panicked, knowing he couldn't take you to the hospital without drawing suspicion. The dance was perfect. Everyone would assume the baby belonged to a student. TRINA: So what happened to my real dad? You said he was a teacher, right? VERONICA: Even better. INT - NHS, STAFF LOUNGE - DAY. Principal Moorehead is going through points on a flipchart with a group of teachers, including Ms Hauser. The flipchart reads: Raise Academic Achievement Scores. Underneath are various ideas: tutors, after shool, online tutorials, teacher/student hour, and weekend seminar instructional. MOOREHEAD: Raise academic achievement scores. Trina throws open the door and strides into the room. TRINA: Hey, pops. Hope I'm interrupting. Ms Hauser watches her, puzzled. MOOREHEAD: Trina! Glad to see you're feeling better, I'd heard that you were- TRINA: At death's door? And when exactly were you planning to hook me up with a little bone marrow? MOOREHEAD: Perhaps we should take this outside. Moorehead tries to steer Trina out of the room but she barges past him. TRINA: Oh, come on, Dad. It's the least you can do for your daughter, after dumping me in the john on prom night. The teachers gasp. Ms Hauser looks up at Moorehead, shaking her head in denial that she was the one to let anything slip. INT - MI - NIGHT. Keith enters. Veronica is working at her desk. KEITH: Hey. You grab dinner yet? VERONICA: Funny you should ask. As Keith takes off his coat, Veronica gets up from the desk and heads for the kitchenette. VERONICA: I'm not actually that hungry. I was scrounging through the old fridge for a little study snack and... She opens the door to the freezer compartment. VERONICA: ...I'm not normally a corn dog type of girl, but this? She pulls out the rat, in a plastic bag. VERONICA: Is gonna put me off them forever. Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer, or do we have a slam-dunk lawsuit against the processed food industry? KEITH: I found it on the bus. Veronica's mood changes abruptly. VERONICA: You checked out the bus and didn't tell me? KEITH: It was duct-taped under one of the back seats. VERONICA: It was a message. For me, I'm the rat. KEITH: I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it was someone else on the bus. Keith sighs heavily. KEITH: You were right, Veronica. I should've won that election. I should've taken over this case. Veronica lets out a deep breath. INT - NHS, CLEMMONS OFFICE - DAY. Veronica enters unannounced. Clemmons looks up from his work, unsurprised. VERONICA: You sly old dog. CLEMMONS: Your sentence is up, Veronica. Unless you're here to atone for something I don't yet know about. VERONICA: Deducing I had a key to your office, now that was clever. Obviously you had to find a way to stick me in detention. That way, you could be sure I'd find my way into my mom's permanent file. CLEMMONS: What are you going on about? Veronica gives him a knowing smirk. VERONICA: You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you? Clemmons cocks his head at her, innocently. VERONICA: [impressed] Oooh. Nice. Not taking credit for it, even more badass. CLEMMONS: That's a very imaginative theory, Veronica. But if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of paperwork. Veronica narrows her eyes as she stares at him. Clemmons returns his attention to his desk. Veronica backs away to the door, giving him a last lingering look before leaving his office. INT - NHS, ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - CONTINUING. As Veronica makes her way through, her cell rings. She takes it out of her bag, stopping just outside the office. VERONICA: Hello? WOMAN: Hello, Miss Mars, this is the Neptune Memorial Hospital again, regarding Abel Koontz's belongings? INT - NHS, CLEMMONS OFFICE - CONTINUING. Clemmons slides the existing "Vice Principal, Mr Van Clemmons" plate out of his desk holder. He reaches into a drawer, pulls out a replacement and slides it in. He puts it back on the front of his desk. It now reads "Principal, Mr Van Clemmons." He smiles in satisfaction. INT - NEPTUNE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - DAY. Veronica, the doll snuggled against her chest in a holder, walks down one of the corridors, carrying a moderately sized box. VERONICA VOICEOVER: How sobering is it that the sum of a person's life fits into a cardboard box? Since I've made it past security already, there's one thing I want to check. She pauses at an open door off the corridor. *VERONICA VOICEOVER: Meg's room. Unguarded. Veronica looks around before entering the room. Meg is lying on a bed, surrounded by equipment. A table is stretched over her, with a large bowl on top. Monitors sound in the room. Veronica walks around the end of the bed and steps up for a closer look. There are two monitors, one registering a pulse of 180 and the other one of 60. Veronica is puzzled. She moves closer and pulls back the table over the lower part of Meg's body. Meg's belly is exposed to which is attached one of the monitors. She is heavily pregnant. Veronica is stunned and backs away, exiting the room. The monitor's tempo increases. Meg opens her eyes. End. Executive producer: Rob Thomas (who is a god). *Alternative Ending An alternative ending was made available for a week after broadcast on AOL, with viewers inviting to vote for their favourite. The original ending won but this is that alternative ending. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Meg's room. Unguarded. Veronica looks around before entering the room. Music: Bright Morning Stars by artist unknown. LYRICS: Bright morning stars are rising, Bright morning stars are rising, Bright morning stars are rising, Day is a-breaking in my soul. Oh, where are our dear mothers, Oh, where are our dear mothers, Oh, where are our dear mothers, Day is a-breaking in my soul. Some have gone to the valley praying, Some have gone to the valley praying, Some have gone to the valley praying, Day is a-breaking in my soul. Oh, where are our dear mothers. Meg is lying on a bed, surrounded by equipment. A table is stretched over her, with a large bowl on top. Monitors sound in the room. Veronica walks around the end of the bed and steps up for a closer look. There are two monitors, one registering a pulse of 180 and the other one of 60. Veronica is puzzled. She moves closer and pulls back the table over the lower part of Meg's body. Meg's belly is exposed to which is attached one of the monitors. She is heavily pregnant. Veronica is stunned. NURSE: [offscreen] I'll just be down the hall if you need anything. ROSE: [offscreen] Okay, thank you. No, I'm just gonna peek in on Meg. Veronica scurries to hide, running into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. She listens. Rose Manning enters the room and closes the door. ROSE: Mommy's here. Rose walks towards the bed. From her position, Veronica can't see what is happening and simply waits out Rose, swallowing hard in fear of being discovered. ROSE: [offscreen] How are you today, hmm? Oh, they turned your songs down again, didn't they? The volume of the music increases. ROSE: [offscreen] Don't worry. Everything is gonna be all right, I promise. You just rest, okay? I'll see you soon, baby. Veronica hears the door open. At the same time, the monitor issues a loud, unpulsed sound. Veronica steps out of the room and looks over at Meg. There is a large pillow over her face. The monitor at the side of her bed reads zero. Veronica races to her, pulling the pillow away. She looks at Meg, pale and still. NURSE: What did you do? Veronica, still holding the pillow, looks up in shock. The nurse backs out of the room. NURSE: [offscreen] Security! Veronica can only wordlessly protest as she stands over the dead girl in horror. End.
Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who visits Meg in the hospital? A: her mother's suspension; Q: What does Veronica investigate after reading her mother's high school permanent record? A: Neptune High's deaf cafeteria lady; Q: Who does Veronica think her mother may be related to? A: Weevil; Q: Who tells Logan that he no longer believes that Logan killed Felix? A: their feud; Q: What do Logan and Weevil continue to work on in secret? A: Cassidy; Q: Who uses his trust fund money to start a real estate holding company? A: the figurehead CEO; Q: What role does Kendall play in the Phoenix Land Trust? A: Meg; Q: Who is pregnant in the hospital? Summary: After reading her mother's high school permanent record, Veronica investigates her mother's suspension for spreading "malicious lies" and a possible relation to Neptune High's deaf cafeteria lady. Weevil tells Logan that he no longer believes that Logan killed Felix, and they agree to work together in secret while publicly continuing their feud. Cassidy uses his trust fund money to start a real estate holding company, Phoenix Land Trust, with Kendall as the figurehead CEO. Veronica surreptitiously visits Meg in the hospital and discovers her still comatose and visibly pregnant.